# She's not over her ex husband



## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes you can read my other posts. And yes my relationship is a mess. But over the weekend I had stuff happened that has changed everything. More innapropriate stuff with her ex husband. The real issue is that she still wants to be with her ex. After 8 years. I guess I knew it but in a fit of emotions she finally admitted it. And she has said point blank she doesn't want me. The thing is that he only uses her and leads her on. They will never be together. 

For over 2 years I've watched this innapropriate relationship between them. It was never x rated until our breakup and about January. I will not be second choice. I cannot compete when her heart belongs to her ex husband. This sucks! 
Anyone have experience with this ??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you still with her?


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

We have been on a breakup for a month.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

loverguy said:


> For over 2 years I've watched this innapropriate relationship between them. It was never x rated until our breakup and about January. I will not be second choice. I cannot compete when her heart belongs to her ex husband. This sucks!
> Anyone have experience with this ??


This there is part of the problem. You watched for 2 years. Guarantee if you do a hard 180 in a few years she won't be over you too. A woman like this one is broken, it really doesn't have to do with love it has to do with fulfilling something that is really damaged. You can't fix it you just have to run.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You sound like you view this as a break instead of a permanent thing. Sounds to me like you need to cut her out of your life, completely. Cut off contact, delete everything about her from your life and move on imo. It's the only way to go. When you do it that way, it's clean, it's quick and while you may experience greater pain initially, you recover faster.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to say goodbye to her. 

It's perhaps not that she doesn't love you, it's just that she doesn't love you enough to be your woman.

And that's why you need to let her go and to just walk away.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Anyone have experience with this ??"

Read the threads of jdesey.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy fails to mention that he has started one or more threads which specifically detail how he's desperately trying to get her back, and trying all sorts of questionable strategies, despite the fact that she wants nothing to do with him and the overwhelming response of the helpful, experienced posters has been to walk away.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I know I need to walk away. I'm not a quitter but I know I can't win this game. Are belongs to another man and nothing I can do or say will win her love. I was hoping someone had experience with this. 
She has literally said in text with exact words that she wants him, always has and always will. I can't win. Only winning move is don't play.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Woman here. See a divorce lawyer and be done with this marriage. She tells you, she loves her ex-husband then and now. Save your mental state and cut her off of your life. See a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. 

There is nothing you can do to make another person love you. You have been deceived in your marriage. You deserve a better life.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Your stbxw has told you who she is. You cannot change her. It doesn't make you a failure, deficient, or anything else. She has some kind of defect where she entered into a marriage with you while she knew she was still hung up on her ex.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


Was she really happy? She basically had an EA with her XH for a long time even when you supposedly were happy.

You said that you screwed up financially and your income dropped drastically. Wasn't she just using you?

When money became an issue the situation exacerbated because imo the reason she was with you broke away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

loverguy said:


> I know I need to walk away. I'm not a quitter but I know I can't win this game. Are belongs to another man and nothing I can do or say will win her love. I was hoping someone had experience with this.
> She has literally said in text with exact words that she wants him, *always has *and always will. I can't win. Only winning move is don't play.


Well if she always has then why did she stay with you for so long and go through all that hell with you?

O man...just let her go. Let her go brother. Get yourself on a firm footing and don't make the same mistakes with the next gal.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

loverguy said:


> Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


At this point there's really no reason to continue. Count yourself lucky that things didn't go further and you found out about all of this before you married her. It's so important to know as much as possible who you're considering to marry. I found this out the hard way.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I was hoping to hear from someone with experience. But yeah I know what I have to do. It's hard. But I have a mountain of evidence that says her heart still belongs to her ex. She's in same situation as me cause he's Adamat that there's no chance. But I need to focus on me. I deserve someone who can give themselves to me. I can't give my heart to anyone who can't.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Is her ex in a relationship? Married or GF?

If so expose now and walk away.

Tamat


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

loverguy said:


> I'm not a quitter but I know I can't win this game.


It ain't got nothing to do with whether youre a quitter or not. The only thing that matters is that she's not in love with you, therefore you'll never have her. And what would you have if she did pretend to love or even like you? A relationship that keep PI's in business is what you'd have.
Ideally you want someone who loves you more than you love them. You're a million miles away from that. But her chasing her ex does go another step to proving what I've said all along; that women gravitate towards men that are a challenge. You're far from that my man.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

loverguy said:


> Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


Well then bail out and thank your lucky stars you aren't married! My stbxw never got over her first serious boyfriend, and it carried into our marriage for many many years. Even last summer after 33 years of marriage she couldn't bring herself to un-tag herself from a picture of him someone posted on FaceBook.

Whenever we'd get together with her close high school friend they would spend hours talking about this guy. I could go on and on about all the times he came up in our marriage one way or another, and how her eyes would light up at the mention of him by any mutual friends. Every single event is another knife wound to the heart.

You love a lot of things about this woman but she's not a 100% good match. That flaw about her ex is (and should be) a deal breaker. You don't have to hate everything about her, and there's no reason not to mourn the loss of this relationship. Just realize this one thing makes her unsuitable as a serious romantic partner or wife.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Thor! Omg! After 33 years. I'm shocked. Yeah I don't hate everything about her. But this has come to a head. We are at at impasse. Many times she's committed to have a typical ex spouse relationship but always fails. Like you I hear about this ex constantly! I'm sick of heAring his name. There was a period last year for about 4months when she had no contact and we were good. But that was then and this is now. 

Thank you for your response. I'm sure your stbxw has tons of reasons why it's all ok to carry a torch for that guy.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sucks, but it is what it is. 

From my chair, you need to get your confidence back. A man with confidence would say to himself "Her loss. Sweet, now I get to go play the field and experience all kinds of new and great pu$$y while I search for the perfect girl that will make me want to spend $10K on a perfect 1.5ct ring!"

There are too many single woman out there. Don't get caught up on this one girl. She was broken and you need to move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


Well....you tried....you tried hard.

She tried and gave you the bad news.

She sounds on-est. Be off-ish. Let her go.

Better to cut ties completely if you have deep feelings for her.

If you like her a TAD and she has not burrowed under your skin, then keep her as a friend.


That said:
She has to go......right?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I fear that you are that guy on the lot that the automotive salespeople love to see. There is a model that is way out of your price range. The maintenance would be more than you could afford. It burns more gas than a cruise ship and it has a list of add ons a mile long. It is in every conceivable way NOT the car for you. So come back and let us try to help you once you have purchased it.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes yes everyone is right. That doesn't mean it's easy. The last posters I don't think being friends as possible right now. For God sake this was the the woman I thought I was to be married to. 

One things for sure fur the future. I need to be better of assessing as I go. Issues and problems were there early on and I chose to ignore it. The connection and refusal to give up her ex-husband was there early on. I guess I thought overtime she would let go of him. Which did happen for a while but then she just gravitated right back.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

loverguy,

It's just the nature of some relationships, they are addictions, and just like an alcoholic is an alcoholic for life your GF is hooked on her ex for life.

Tamat


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes she is asdicted to him. She actually used those words in Sunday. She knows it's a dead end and he's no good for her. But she just can't give it up. 

I guess it happens. One poster has 33 years of his wife holding on to an ex boyfriend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Yes she is asdicted to him. She actually used those words in Sunday. She knows it's a dead end and he's no good for her. But she just can't give it up.
> 
> I guess it happens. One poster has 33 years of his wife holding on to an ex boyfriend.


 @Thor is the poster...poster boy for a wife holding on to the past.
What sweet memories they must be.

Thor needs to get recent photos of his wife's past flame.
I guarantee the dude is not going to be as good looking or attractive as he was THEN. 

Your problem is not equivalent. He is a recent EX. Thor's competition has gone past Y then Z and is now aged dated with numerals added, A2, B2...that far is far enough.

This EX, this love of hers will eventually subside....the dirty-dog husband cannot change his rabid-Dalmatian and it's forever spots. 

Her near term fate is going to be her willing body drug over glass shards. 

God help Her and You.

Move-On.orange barrel. You have a good life ahead of you.

Oh, you answered my quip about friends....ain't gonna happen. You love her. Unrequited love is an open wound needing distance from the Cut-Him.....not cutter. 

Sorry!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

loverguy said:


> Yes yes everyone is right. That doesn't mean it's easy. The last posters I don't think being friends as possible right now. For God sake this was the the woman I thought I was to be married to.
> 
> One things for sure fur the future. I need to be better of assessing as I go. Issues and problems were there early on and I chose to ignore it. The connection and refusal to give up her ex-husband was there early on. I guess I thought overtime she would let go of him. Which did happen for a while but then she just gravitated right back.


100% correct.

For me, I was young and stupid. The signs were there. Hell, she not only took me to one of his shows (he is a professional performer) but signed me on as a roadie. Holy Fck was I stupid! I got to stand in the wings watching him sing "their song" to her as she sat front row center. 

But I thought she'd gotten over him when there'd be no mention of him for a while, even years at a time. We didn't see her friends often as we'd moved away from the home state. But then we did start seeing her old friends more regularly, and of course Facebook hit the internet.

I don't know how one really is sure their SO is over their ex. Maybe you have to hear them say consistently negative things. In my case she said negative things about one of her exes and there's never been mention of him between her and her friends ever. Not once.

Tbh it does worry me how to find a future partner, having made such a big error the first time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> @Thor is the poster...poster boy for a wife holding on to the past.
> What sweet memories they must be.
> 
> Thor needs to get recent photos of his wife's past flame.
> I guarantee the dude is not going to be as good looking or attractive as he was THEN.


Yeah I've seen pictures both recent and old. No argument the guy was a good looking specimen in his 20's. A lot like Tom Selleck was back in the Magnum PI days. Now he is a good looking 60 yr old, like Tom Selleck at 60.

That photo the wife wouldn't un-tag herself from was him performing wearing a tight t-shirt showing off his physique. Pretty darn good for a 60 yr old.

Her sweet memories? Probably not so much memories as the guy is a player, but dated her for a year back before he figured out he could score multiple women each weekend. That's the one negative thing I've heard her say about him, that he became a womanizer. But he has that bad-boy vibe and player personality.

She'd probably hate being with him now in reality. But she can't break that link, either, like OP's wife with her ex.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

loverguy said:


> Hold on folks. We are not married. We were engaged but we broke off the engagement. I agree with the last poster. People show you thru their actions who they are. Her actions tell me everything I need to know. This sucks so bad. We were so happy until things went bad late last year. B


Very lucky for you. Move on. This woman is pining for another man, namely her ex-husband. You can't compete. Best of luck to you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Thor said:


> Yeah I've seen pictures both recent and old. No argument the guy was a good looking specimen in his 20's. A lot like Tom Selleck was back in the Magnum PI days. Now he is a good looking 60 yr old, like Tom Selleck at 60.
> 
> That photo the wife wouldn't un-tag herself from was him performing wearing a tight t-shirt showing off his physique. Pretty darn good for a 60 yr old.
> 
> ...


Damn it!

The exception to the rule. Most men who abuse and burn their bodily candle, age quickly.

Some get knifed, shot or bashed for dalliances.

Not good for a long healthy life.

Yes, the deep imprint cannot be filled/replaced by moral Good Fellows.

No cigar, on this hypothesis.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Thank you everyone fur the replies. I know she will have this thing for her ex. we have talked it to death. I've even emailed with the ex husband before to plead with him to knock it off. He leads her on to them just drop her. But nothing changes. She has tried and even had some success. But in the end she Is still yearning for him. I deserve better.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Looks like you have pretty much all the facts you need my friend.

There is an old saying and that is "believe what they tell you". She has told you she is addicted to him (whatever that means), and it does not take much thought to understand that means she has no attention of stopping whatever she is doing.
Now add into that that she has told you she cares more about him than you, the prognosis is NOT good.

You wife or hopefully STBXW, has gotten away with this for two years and you are still there so what real incentive is there for her to stop. Openly throwing it in your face.

Stop worrying about whether or not they will be back together . You have to choose whether or not you want to continue to eat the **** sandwich indefinitely or not.

Tell her she can wrestle with the feelings for ex H for the rest of her life but that you refuse to remain in a marriage with more than two people in it any more. And then file for divorce and get yourself out of infidelity and stop trying to control the outcome.

I would also tell you that if she suddenly gets "enlightened" once you file, that the only way you consider R with her it to inform her that she will become a "frequent flyer" in the polygraph examiners office for a while.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> Looks like you have pretty much all the facts you need my friend.
> 
> There is an old saying and that is "believe what they tell you". She has told you she is addicted to him (whatever that means), and it does not take much thought to understand that means she has no attention of stopping whatever she is doing.
> Now add into that that she has told you she cares more about him than you, the prognosis is NOT good.
> ...


You could try this: "Wife, after I divorce you, will you be as fixated on me as you are on your first ex-husband?"


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Somewhere in this thread people have gotten the idea that I married to this woman. We were engaged last year but we broke it off. She broke it off because of mistakes I made. 

It's not that I worry that she would get back together with her ex-husband. That's never going to happen and I know that from him. 

The issue is that I can never really have her 100%. As long as she has feelings for her ex-husband. As long as she behaves the way that she does and maintains this relationship with him through email and seeing him and so forth.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

loverguy said:


> Somewhere in this thread people have gotten the idea that I married to this woman. We were engaged last year but we broke it off. She broke it off because of mistakes I made.
> 
> It's not that I worry that she would get back together with her ex-husband. That's never going to happen and I know that from him.
> 
> The issue is that I can never really have her 100%. As long as she has feelings for her ex-husband. As long as she behaves the way that she does and maintains this relationship with him through email and seeing him and so forth.


Oh, please note: I am *not* one of those thread-bare people.

I know you are not *married* to her!

You are *marinated* in her!

Take a dive in the Ganges. Cleanse your soul and *Hide*.

And *Hide*...two counties down the road.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

I signed up for a singles mixer for this weekend and I think I'll have a date as well on Friday night. I have to do this and move on. And I have to stop comparing other women to her


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

loverguy said:


> I signed up for a singles mixer for this weekend and I think I'll have a date as well on Friday night. I have to do this and move on. And I have to stop comparing other women to her


Yeah dating will fix everything.

/sarcasm off.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Loverguy,

The other side of this equation is her ex/OM, there are alot of guys who like to "catch and release" and are also really good at keeping women addicted to them. They are not really all that different than pimps. On some fundamental level they are driven by a hatred of women it seems.

Tamat


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Congrats sir,

Least you learned this before marriage and kids. You dodged a bullet!


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Yeah. Well non kids would have ever happened. I'm 49 and can't. Marriage. Yeah we were engaged but dodged that. 
This is the second girlfriend I've had since my divorce who was too attached to an ex. But with the first I cut it off at 5 weeks. This is let go on for 27 months. I must learn. People don't change. She went for 5 months last year with almost no contact to ex. It was the happiest run we have had.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You seem like a cool cat who goes all in when it comes to devoting himself to the woman he loves. That is good. Nothing wrong with that as long as you don't let it slide into codependency. 

But here is the deal, you cannot remain friends with her. That just will not work. You need to put as much space geographically and socially as you can between you and her so that you can detach and heal yourself. I think you already know this from your two prior divorces, but sometimes we all need to be reminded. No more texts, calls, e-mails, FB comments, no more, nada, zip, finito..... 

I think the dating website thing is a positive idea. Just don't let yourself get too attached to quickly to the next woman. Play it loose and play the field. There is a smorgasbord of great single women out there. Be selective and try as many flavors as you can before settling on one.


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## loverguy (Jun 27, 2016)

Ok clarification. I've only been married once and divorced. She has 2 divorces. 

Yes I know. Cut all ties. I heard from her ex husband and he's trying t give me advice how to get her back. He said he doesn't want her and that's always been the truth. He says she's fine with him. We'll great but it doesn't change anything. Her history with me says she cannot be 100 percent committed long term. She's been there but then when we have problems she bails out immediately. 

So I'm committed. No contact. I'm sure I'll hear from her now that her ex has cut off communication. But gray will only be because she's lonely and needs support. It won't be because she wants me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you ever thought that perhaps when you made those mistakes you killed something inside of her, that in doing so you let her see that she can't have a man in her life that she can trust and feel safe with so since you let her down she goes back to him even though he let her down before, you are still fresh in her mind, so he looks like the good guy now. time have a way of making the mind re-evaluate the conditions under which those bad times with him was not so bad.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Yeah, just move on. Find someone 100 percent into YOU.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

loverguy;16150681 I've even emailed with the ex husband before to plead with him to knock it off. [/QUOTE said:


> Yes, you deserve better, but you need to learn that "pleading with the other man" one of the worst things you can do. He may have printed your message and framed it.


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