# Any similar stories with happy endings?



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

My H keeps threatening me with D. He said he will file this Friday and there is nothing I can do. H has been involved in an EA for about 4 weeks. All of the talks of D started 1.5 weeks ago. We still live together, even sleep in the same bed. We have decent, friendly conversations and still enjoy each other's company (when he is around). He claims that the OW has nothing to do with his feelings towards me, he just isn't in love with me anymore, but he still thinks I am beautiful :scratchhead: He says he needs to do this for himself; he forgot who he was. The next day he tells me it's my fault because I didn't realize he has been unhappy for so long. The next day he is bitter and angry towards me. The next day he might slip up and say he loves me....it goes on and on and on. H is obviously on an emotional roller coaster as well, seeing as his moods towards me change on a daily basis. 

I would love to hear from other WS that have had similar feelings to my H. Is there anyway for me to get him to take a little more time to think about D? Since he told me about his feelings 2.5 weeks ago, he hasn't given me a chance to show him all the wonderful changes I am making---changes that he asked me to make. I am hoping that he is stuck in the "fog" but is he to far in to realize that he is throwing away his family for a fantasy. Is there any way for me to help him see the light? This is such a frustrating situation to be in. H and I have always been close spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Those connections are still there but he seems to cut them off when they start to surface. Is there hope of a reconciliation?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

typical fog talk
unless he stops the affair and shows true remorse you are better off getting the divorce- maybe you should file instead? Once he learns that you are done, it may actually help shock him into reality. (what other option do have left anyways?)


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I think there is definitely a lot of promise here. There is much to work with. Its sounds like much of your marriage is good but the missing link is he was neglected from your lack of attention toward him. 

He is getting it from the EA because he didnt get it at home. 
Even though it hurts to hear it, thats how he sees it. 

Keep up with the 180 making your strides and he will notice. 

Four years ago when I was a disaster as a husband and I screamed at my wife "I love you. Doesnt that matter?" with indescribable passion., it got her attention immediately and slammed on the brakes in the middle of a very dicey, very heated deiscussion. 

What I learned from that conversation is she was so far WAAAAAAAAAY BEYOND DESPERATE TO HEAR THAT, that that alone screamed as loud as I could scream it, was enough to stop the train from leaving the station. 

Over the nect 12 months we rebuilt our marriage. That was four years ago.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He needs to stop the affair, or actually file for divorce. He's being very disrespectful to use his EA to get the changes out of you that he wants. He's controlling you to some extent.

Right now, he's confused. Fight for him if you truly want him. But you must realize that you can no longer trust him the same way again. He is in a fog. Help him get out of it if you want to. Or let him go.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> typical fog talk
> unless he stops the affair and shows true remorse you are better off getting the divorce- maybe you should file instead? Once he learns that you are done, it may actually help shock him into reality. (what other option do have left anyways?)


I have thought about that as well but I don't want to spend money to file for a divorce. I haven't started my new jobs yet and do not want to waste any money on that stuff yet. I feel like he will come out of this but I don't know if I am grasping at straws...



NoIssues said:


> I think there is definitely a lot of promise here. There is much to work with. Its sounds like much of your marriage is good but the missing link is he was neglected from your lack of attention toward him.
> 
> Four years ago when I was a disaster as a husband and I screamed at my wife "I love you. Doesnt that matter?" with indescribable passion., it got her attention immediately and slammed on the brakes in the middle of a very dicey, very heated deiscussion.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this story of inspiration. H has made a few comments about how he expected me to stand up and fight for myself. I don't know what that means but someone said maybe he wanted me to be vulnerable. Whenever I do stand up for myself, he says that I am pushing him away 
I am hoping that we can make it work some how. I will have at least 60 day from the time he files (if he files) before I will move out of the house. He has no plans to leave either. Hopefully, I can continue to find the me I used to be when I met him. Maybe he will see this and stop the D. Thanks again for the encouraging words.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I stopped my EA on the day my wife discovered. I'm still in a fog. My wife is recovering great. I'm not, yet.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> He needs to stop the affair, or actually file for divorce. He's being very disrespectful to use his EA to get the changes out of you that he wants. He's controlling you to some extent.
> 
> Right now, he's confused. Fight for him if you truly want him. But you must realize that you can no longer trust him the same way again. He is in a fog. Help him get out of it if you want to. Or let him go.


I have asked him to stop talking to OW at least until he has filed for divorce. I told him it was very disrespectful and I wanted it to stop. He said that I don't have the right to make that decision and that she is just his friend (yeah right). What is strange about the whole thing is that I believed that the OW had nothing to do with any of this up until 3 days ago! I started changing myself immediately in hopes that he would see(he did tell me what he wanted me to work on). I made drastic changes and that still wasn't good enough for him. After being on this site and reading so many stories, I realized that he is involved with this OW and stuck in a fog. I am now making the changes for myself because I know that with or without him I need to be able to love the person I am. 

Knowing my H and his emotions, this EA won't last very long at all. I know we could be happily married again but he is so dead set against our marriage right now. He won't listen to anybody not even his family and friends. I just hope that he doesn't file for D.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Mine was just a friend at first too. Then I pursued her. If she really is a friend, the he should be comfortable telling her "Look, our friendship is causing problems in my marriage. I can't allow that to happen. I love my wife, and she is my priority. So we need to stop communicating. I hope you understand. I would do the same for you if you asked." I know this is odd coming from someone who had an EA himself.

You might want to file first. You can always stop the proceedings after filing. But understand the risk of doing so might set him free (in his mind) to be with the OW.

So sorry you are in this mess.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeah..it's a horrible mess to be in. The truth is, I think I understand what he is going through better than he does. My H is very weak emotionally and has a very addictive personality. I have helped protect him from people who prey on him for his weakness and I have helped him through addictions. From what I gather, all an EA is is an emotional addiction. He is allowing his emotions to preyed on and he likes the way it makes him feel. I do know that this, like all of his addictions, will not last long. He needs more than just his emotional needs met. He can't live on these feelings alone. And he knows this. He told me a few nights ago that he misses his "relaxed life" where he would come home from work and hang out with his family(playing video games w/our daughter, hanging in the backyard, cooking dinner together, watching tv or movies, etc.). But he hasn't stopped the life he lives now (gets home from work at least 30 mins later than he ever has, goes to the gym, goes out to eat, goes out drinking, coming home after 10pm every night, etc. He's running himself into the ground. I even told him that I would give him however much time he needed to "find himself"...3 months, 6 months, a year..i don't care. just don't file for D yet. He hesitated for about 10 seconds before he shook his head and said "No! This is what I want! I am doing this for ME!!" Fog talk. I just have faith that he will come out of it before it's too late. Not sure how much I am willing to take but I know my marriage is important to me. I guess all I can do is prepare for the worse but hope and pray for the best


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm having the same struggle. The EA felt so powerful, that I feel that I deserve to feel that good all of the time ("it's for me!" argument). The fog is a dangerous place to be. While I was in my EA, there were times I said to myself "I want my life back!". While the other part said "But this is better!". It's not a good place to be for anyone involved. 

I'm in counseling to get help and an understanding. I also am working on my marriage. Your H needs counseling too. It's not an easy thing to share first time out the gate. But they have heard it all many times before. In fact, they can tell you what you did before you tell them. 

Good luck!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I definitely think you are on the right track so Kudos to you for that. Im inspred by your doing as well as you are with your difficult situation.



somuchinlove said:


> I have asked him to stop talking to OW at least until he has filed for divorce. I told him it was very disrespectful and I wanted it to stop. He said that I don't have the right to make that decision and that she is just his friend (yeah right). What is strange about the whole thing is that I believed that the OW had nothing to do with any of this up until 3 days ago!
> 
> _*I dont agree with accepting the divorce as a foregone conclusion. I would not mention it again. Practice the 180 more stringently.*_
> 
> ...


Keep on with the 180 and improving yourself. :smthumbup:


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm having the same struggle. The EA felt so powerful, that I feel that I deserve to feel that good all of the time ("it's for me!" argument). The fog is a dangerous place to be. While I was in my EA, there were times I said to myself "I want my life back!". While the other part said "But this is better!". It's not a good place to be for anyone involved.
> 
> I'm in counseling to get help and an understanding. I also am working on my marriage. Your H needs counseling too. It's not an easy thing to share first time out the gate. But they have heard it all many times before. In fact, they can tell you what you did before you tell them.
> 
> Good luck!


I really appreciate you being so open with your situation. It makes me feel a little better knowing that he might still have moments of clarity and realization in this whole situation. I know he still loves me cause he has told me that he will always love me and he knows our paths will cross in the future. Could be fog talk but these were some of his clearer moments. 

Yes he does need counseling. I offered to go to counseling with him or he could go alone. He WILL NOT go. His stepmom forced him to see many, many therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist as a kid to try and prove that he is crazy. He was also shipped to several different schools for troubled kids over a period of 5 or 6 years. Turned out he was acting out to get attention from his dad, but the damage was done. He is afraid that they are going to tell him he is crazy and put him on meds. I told him a counselor can't prescribe meds, that they just help you get a better understanding of your feelings and situations. He still refuses. He keeps saying that he is trying to go with the flow but I believe that he is swimming against the current and he will exhaust himself eventually.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo-if you don't mind me asking, how long were you involved in your EA? I feel that H is taking extreme actions for something that is relatively new. Is this a normal reaction?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> I definitely think you are on the right track so Kudos to you for that. Im inspred by your doing as well as you are with your difficult situation.


Thank you, NoIssues! It is hard to stay on track when all I want to do is scream and make him see, which I know I can't do. I lost my cool yesterday and I have vowed that it won't happen again. I will not be baited into an argument and then blamed for everything. I keep telling myself that H is not in his right mind right now. Everything is says and does is because of this "fog". He is very bitter towards me right now so maybe we can avoid each other for the next few days to cool off. There seems to be a pattern with him.

Again thanks for the kudos and all the advice :smthumbup:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I think mine lasted 7 months. By week 4, I was still testing the waters so to speak. The first ILY was about week 5, I think. I was hooked on the EA drug from that point. I wanted more of it. I was ready to toss everything in the trash and sign on for life. So if he already received an ILY form her, he might be where I was.

I even tried to stop it and get my life back several times. But I couldn't stop. I wanted that feeling to last forever. It was a very thick fog for me at that point in time. I even looked up online for "How to end an affair". But I'd go right back each time.

The pain in the long run is not worth the short-term pleasure received. Hopefully your H has a friend to talk to about all of this. I didn't, which made it harder on me.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I think mine lasted 7 months. By week 4, I was still testing the waters so to speak. The first ILY was about week 5, I think. I was hooked on the EA drug from that point. I wanted more of it. I was ready to toss everything in the trash and sign on for life. So if he already received an ILY form her, he might be where I was.
> 
> I even tried to stop it and get my life back several times. But I couldn't stop. I wanted that feeling to last forever. It was a very thick fog for me at that point in time. I even looked up online for "How to end an affair". But I'd go right back each time.
> 
> The pain in the long run is not worth the short-term pleasure received. Hopefully your H has a friend to talk to about all of this. I didn't, which made it harder on me.


This is a high school girlfriend. She must have said something because he is walking away from his family. He doesn't want it to stop. His words:"I love the way I feel right now. I don't want to stop. I want to go with the flow. Whatever happens happens." Mind you, he still denies the EA even though he is filing for a divorce.

He does have a friend who told him to follow his heart. This friend is 27, single and lives with his parents. He has talked to his dad who told him to think about this a little longer before making such a big decision, but he isn't listening to anybody at all! I'm sure no matter who is talking to, he is not disclosing all of the facts. A week before he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me, I over heard him talking to this friend of his. He was telling his friend that he is tired of the way I act and that if I wasn't careful he would be gone. I actually confronted him later on. I told him the things he said were hurtful and if he really wanted to go at this alone then he could. He said that he was venting (we had had a small argument before the friend arrived) and he was sorry that I had heard those words. He said he loved me and needed me in his life. He hugged me, kissed me, told me he loved me and reassured me again. A week later he is leaving me. I guess it will remain a mystery.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He's finding justification from friends that tell him what he wants to hear because they have not lived his life. It also sounds like he's getting pressured by the OW to make a decision or she's gone. 

Time to call his bluff, and start protecting yourself.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Honestly, I think he is not receiving justification from anybody at this point. It seems that his family is dead set against his asking for a D. Of course, he has ignored anybody that is telling him the right thing to do in this situation. I know..it's the fog. 

I have started to protect myself. I have been stashing money away for two weeks now. I start a new job on Monday and I try to not let him get to me, but it is hard. At this point, my hopes for a happy ending are shattered on the floor in a million pieces. He's made sure of that.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Stop being his mother, start acting like an equal partner 

~sammy


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Turns out H is not having an EA after all. Last night, he left his phone unattended (which he hasn't done in weeks) while he took a shower. I had a good minute to peruse all of his messages. Turns out the OW is really just a friend who is trying to help him figure out if divorce is the right thing for him--she is telling him to stay. There were no bad messages between them, she is really trying to help him save his marriage. 

I also found out the H has been seeing a therapist for his issues. This made me very happy cause it shows that he knows he needs help and is willing to get it. I have been doing very well on the whole 180 stuff, but when he told me this I couldn't hide the joy in my eyes. I have been telling him for such a long time that he could use a person to talk to that could help heal the his wounds of the past. He always fought with me. Since he opened up with me two days ago, things have been close to normal...except that we received the divorce papers in the mail yesterday.

I was home alone when they got here and looked at them by myself. I immediately noticed that the papers stated that H would get the truck AND the car! I knew it was most likely a honest mistake but I thought that it was also a sign. Nothing has gone right for H since he said he wanted a D. This mistake means that the bogus company he hired from OK (we are in TX) has to re-write the papers and re-send them. I told H about the mistake later on that night. He said that he would take care of it. He didn't want to see the papers at all--i thought this was funny, seeing as I couldn't wait to see them. This morning he forgot the papers on his way to work twice! For a man that adamantly wants a D, he sure isn't acting like it. 

Then only a few minutes ago, H calls me from work. He sounds really sad and I ask what's up. He proceeds to tell me that he woke up in a great mood but after looking at the D papers, he is feeling sad and depressed. He realizes that he is "really doing this" and "there is no going back". He said that he feels like in a month he will want me back and won't be able to get me off of his mind (we have actually played this game before). I told him that the D wasn't etched in stone and he could still take his time. He said no, he had to do this but it was killing him inside. He said the past few days have been great but he is afraid that if he sticks around all of it will change. 

i don't know if these are the first steps towards a possible reconciliation but I have a glimmer of hope to focus on now. It's funny, but I have never been a religious person. When all this started happening 3 weeks ago, I couldn't eat (i am barely getting my appetite back). It quickly brought me closer to God. I started finding comfort in bible verses and found a few marriage help sites that focus more on the spiritual side of it all. I also watched The Secret everyday for a week to try and find a positive place for me to be in this tough situation. Between The Secret and my many prayers to God, I feel like my life is going to be great. Even if H and I do not stay together, I know that we will always be friends.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He's still in a fog. Glad to see he's seeing a counselor and getting help from a friend. You should link up with her as friends and be the support team he needs. 

It sounds like he's acting strictly from the depression he's in. He's punishing himself be making the D more and more of a reality. Step in now and tell him to stop punishing himself. Tell him he's a good man and deserves forgiveness like other sinners do. He's human, and made a mistake. 

Please don't let him walk away from you while he's severely depressed. He wants you to stop him, to understand his pain and the desire to punish himself for what he did, and to not give up on him. Love him, but make him earn your trust back like you know he can.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> He's still in a fog. Glad to see he's seeing a counselor and getting help from a friend. You should link up with her as friends and be the support team he needs.
> 
> It sounds like he's acting strictly from the depression he's in. He's punishing himself be making the D more and more of a reality. Step in now and tell him to stop punishing himself. Tell him he's a good man and deserves forgiveness like other sinners do. He's human, and made a mistake.
> 
> Please don't let him walk away from you while he's severely depressed. He wants you to stop him, to understand his pain and the desire to punish himself for what he did, and to not give up on him. Love him, but make him earn your trust back like you know he can.


I was hoping that you would have some advice for me, HerToo. Today when he told me he was having second thoughts in the D, I told him that I was here for him no matter what his decision. He knows where I stand (I don't want a D, and I want to work on US). H said he understands and appreciates me. I also told him that just because he had received some D papers, they weren't signed and the D wasn't etched in stone. He knows he can stop it at anytime. 

I guess for now I will keep doing what I am doing. It seems to be working...very slowly but still working. On a side note: I have a weekend trip planned for my daughter and myself. I am not sure if this will help or not. I was thinking that me being out of the house for the weekend might benefit my H...thoughts?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can give some advice that might help. Sit down with him this:

"I know that you are hurting from your mistake. I want to let you know that I am here to help you. I'm concerned that you are letting your depression drive your thoughts, and I can't fight that depression without your help too. We will get through this, no matter what or how long it takes. I refuse to give up on you. Others have been through this before and have come out on the other side stronger than before. We owe it to each other to make every effort, as painful as they may be, to get through this. I love you, and always will. And I know you love me. I've never doubted that."

Then talk to him about your planned trip with your daughter. Ask him if he's okay with it, and will he be alright? (He will say he'll be fine). Have him agree to not do anything with the divorce papers while you are gone. Then plan to contact him throughout the days you are gone. Become the OW via the texts, emails, and calls. He can connect with those events. My wife does this, and it really helps me. Because my pattern was to text and email the OW all of the time. Now I do it with my wife only.

Does this help any?


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I can give some advice that might help. Sit down with him this:
> 
> "I know that you are hurting from your mistake. I want to let you know that I am here to help you. I'm concerned that you are letting your depression drive your thoughts, and I can't fight that depression without your help too. We will get through this, no matter what or how long it takes. I refuse to give up on you. Others have been through this before and have come out on the other side stronger than before. We owe it to each other to make every effort, as painful as they may be, to get through this. I love you, and always will. And I know you love me. I've never doubted that."
> 
> ...


It helps more than you know  I really appreciate your opinion on the matter. It is always better to have a man's perspective. Thanks.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Funny how you can value what a cheater says, isn't it. I guess it's good therapy for me as well. 

My wife said those things above. It helped me quite a bit. Going to IC is helping me too. I have a long road ahead. I hope I make it.

I wish you and your husband the very best.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks, HerToo. Right back at you! Whether you were a cheater or not, your opinion is still very valuable. We are all human and bound to make mistakes every once in a while. As long as we learn from our mistakes, I believe everyone deserves another chance.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree. Have a great evening with your husband and family. You deserve it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's a new day SoMuchInLove. I hope things are improving.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

A new day it is. I told H that I was going out of town this weekend and he did look a sad. I asked if it was ok and he said it was fine and that he needed to get used to me and my daughter being gone. I told him that it didn't have to be that way all. I let him know that no matter what he was going through, I would always be there for him. I also told him how wonderful it was that he decided to talk to a Dr. about his life. This helped to change the mood drastically. He started to talk about the D but got teary eyed and had to stop. All he said was that it would be so hard for him to be alone and he couldn't wait for his IC session today. I left it at that. 

I will admit that I am sort of confused by what H is saying and what he is doing. On one hand he says that he needs a D to find himself, he needs to learn to think on his own and he doesn't want to destroy what we had. He know it will be hard and painful but he "thinks" he will be ok. He also says that he still feels like our marriage is over and he is not emotionally attached to me.

On the other hand, he has been really touchy-feely with me lately. H still wants to share very intimate moments with me. He even hugged and kissed me before he left for work this morning. I have always said actions speak louder than words. H's actions are saying that he loves me but his words are saying that's false. 

Day by day at this point. H has been texting me all day. We are laughing and joking with each other. So today is great in my book. I hope this last...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That sounds much better! Texting and joking is a great result. Trust what he is doing, not what he is saying as much. He's still confused. His actions are the truth. He loves you, and he knows he screwed up big time. He's searching for answers, like I am. The fact hat he's going to IC is great. He's going to get some relief, but not too much yet. More sessions are required. It's one thing to go see a doctor and get naked for an exam, and another for going in and getting mentally naked with your shame. As long as he talks, he started his steps towards a long recovery.

I'm very happy for you and him. Good job!!!


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Two steps forward and three steps back...I went away for the weekend with my daughter. The day we left, H was texting and calling withing a few hours. The conversations were very nice, the text were even better. H said many times that he missed me and wanted me to hurry home. I figured being away from him was just what he needed to feel. Imagine my surprise when I got home yesterday and found H in bed resting. All the excitement to see me was gone. H stayed awake long enough to tell me what a crazy weekend he had before he passed out for two hours--i guess he was sleepy. When he woke up, H informed me that he was going out tonight and not coming home. He proceeded to get dressed in his work clothes, didn't comb his hair or shine his boots like he usually does. He just got dressed and left. Before he left he did give me a hug. By this point I was livid. I was trying not to over react to his behavior but it was hard. It was like he was punishing me for leaving him this weekend. Not fair.

This morning I received a text from H bright and early. He wanted to make sure I had a good night. Of course I did--my daughter and I bundled up in bed and watched scary movies until we fell asleep. He then text me that he got his own place over the weekend and will be staying there more and more. My jaw hit the floor!! All of his stuff is here. None of our furniture is gone. He can't be serious. Then H says that his Dr. told him that this is the best move for him. This Dr. also told him that our marriage was a good thing but letting go of it was a big steeping stone for H. At this point, I am starting to believe that H is hearing what he wants to from this Dr, and H is most likely not being very truthful with this Dr. I have never been to any kind of counseling but is it normal for Dr's to tell their patients to walk away from a good marriage, get your own place on a whim and never mind all of your responsibilities and priorities? It doesn't seem right.

I asked H when he was moving and he said he was taking his time but will be staying at his new place most of the time. He said he had a rough weekend with me gone and needs to back away. His mind is going crazy and if he doesn't let go now he never will be able to do it. He will be staying here off and on probably. Seriously?!?! Who gets a place to live during the weekend, on a whim, with no furniture,clothes or anything else a person needs to function? The only thing I can think of is that he is staying at a weekly rate motel---this makes no sense money wise but it is the only logical explanation. 

He still hasn't gotten the D papers changed either. I think that my H might have Borderline Personality Disorder among a few other things. I might be in over my head but I want to try and help him through this. It's tough to see glimpses of the man I married within the confused man he has become. Why is he doing this to himself and me?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It sounds like he's telling the DR a story that fits his needs, rather than telling him the reality of the situation. I did this early on with my DR as well. I was ashamed to talk about the affair. Then I just told him everything. I'm still ashamed. But now I can work on the reality, rather than working on a lie.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Perhaps you can go and see the same DR as he is. That way, the DR can hear what is really going on and offer you some good advice. I'd bet that your husband is painting a picture of a marriage gone bad for reasons other than the affair. By doing so, the DR is offering him some advice such as moving out to his own place. 

I started doing somewhat of the same thing before I was caught in my EA. I was already looking at rooms for rent as I painted a picture for the DR of a marriage that grew apart. I was planning on a divorce. Then, when I was caught I felt like I should file for divorce because of what I did. It wasn't out of dislike of my wife, it was from the shame I had brought upon my wife, myself, and our marriage. 

Your husband is still there, deep in the fog. If he moves out, the problem will follow him. He can't run from anything because it's stuck with him. Tell him it makes no sense to move out. And, if you are so inclined, let him stay in a different room in the house. But he still has to live under the NC and transparency rules. Then, you both can work on recovering from the affair, and on the marriage.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

So Much -- you have no idea how closely your story from start to finish mirrors my situation, only swap out your child for my husband's brother.

I am sitting here jaw to the floor going WOW -- someone dealing with the same thing....no cheating, abuse, additcions, just an H who all of a sudden wanted out...but then acts as if he doesn't...then does some stuff to move forward with D\Sep...then backpeddles again.

I haven't been served papers but I've been living seperately (at my moms) for a couple months now.

I just want something to get through to my H. I too, think he is not thinking clearly from his anxiety meds....I think he is misdiagnosed....since his Gen Prac. Dr. saw him, NOT a psychiatrist...and just keeps refilling and refilling.  

Please keep us updated So much.....


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *Perhaps you can go and see the same DR as he is. That way, the DR can hear what is really going on and offer you some good advice.* I'd bet that your husband is painting a picture of a marriage gone bad for reasons other than the affair. By doing so, the DR is offering him some advice such as moving out to his own place.
> 
> *I started doing somewhat of the same thing before I was caught in my EA.* I was already looking at rooms for rent as I painted a picture for the DR of a marriage that grew apart. I was planning on a divorce. Then, when I was caught I felt like I should file for divorce because of what I did. It wasn't out of dislike of my wife, it was from the shame I had brought upon my wife, myself, and our marriage.
> 
> Your husband is still there, deep in the fog. If he moves out, the problem will follow him. He can't run from anything because it's stuck with him. Tell him it makes no sense to move out. And, if you are so inclined, let him stay in a different room in the house. But he still has to live under the NC and transparency rules. Then, you both can work on recovering from the affair, and on the marriage.


I actually wanted to do this. I thought that having the same DR listening to both sides of the story would help the DR to give the best advice to us both. I really find it hard to believe that H is telling the truth at all. My best friend called H a few weeks ago. I was able to hear both sides of the conversation. My best friend gave some great advice to H. She was sharing her own story about marriage. She has been in MC for 3 months, her and her H have been together for 15 years married for 10. She basically said that we should get into counseling before filing for a D, trying to tell him to work it out. H took this as my friend siding with him. H told me that I should talk to her cause she could help me understand. He obviously heard what he wanted to and the rest was white noise. :scratchhead: 

This whole thing is crazy. I still haven't gotten back the revised D papers and it's been a week. A couple of my close friends think that he is playing mind games but that doesn't make it any better 


I am not sure about the EA anymore. I was able to find out who the girl is and she is more like a sister to him than anything. I also saw the text message between the two of them. There was nothing bad at all. She is actually telling him to work on his marriage. 

How do I find out what DR he is seeing without asking him flat out? I think that he might get mad if I try to go to the same DR.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> So Much -- you have no idea how closely your story from start to finish mirrors my situation, only swap out your child for my husband's brother.
> 
> I am sitting here jaw to the floor going WOW -- someone dealing with the same thing....no cheating, abuse, additcions, just an H who all of a sudden wanted out...but then acts as if he doesn't...then does some stuff to move forward with D\Sep...then backpeddles again.
> 
> ...


My H refuses to take meds. I am starting to think that he needs something cause he seems imbalanced. The one major thing right now is that I don't have months to try and work this out. I have until right before Christmas. After that, I am taking my daughter and moving four hours away. If this happens, I am not ever coming back. Our relationship will be over for good. He thinks that he can do what he wants now and when our paths cross in the future--H says this will happen because what we have is true love--we can pick up where we left off. This to me is backwards.Shouldn't he work on the marriage first and if it doesn't work out then move on...oh well. Hopefully he will figure it out before it's too late..


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There are a couple of ways you might be able to find out who the DR is. If it's covered under insurance, the insurance company will be mailing an Explanation of Benefits statement to the house. It will list the DR on it. If he's paying any or all of the fees by credit card, and the statements are still being mailed to your house, you can see it there. If he's paying by check and you still have online access to that account, you can see it there.

By law, the DR can not share that he/she is seeing him or you, nor the details about either one of you. If your H finds out, tell him this.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks, HerToo. The info you are giving me is very helpful on so many levels. My H is a completely different person from the one he was last month. Everything he is doing now is because his DR said it would be a good idea. This is coming from a man who was terrified of DRs four weeks ago. Now he is letting the DR make life changing decisions for him. I am ready to get off this ride!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If he's the least bit remorseful, he's on the ride too. And it's a long ride from what I've read in this forum. It sucks for anyone on the ride. Look back over your shoulder and you'll see me and my wife there too.

I agree that it sounds like the DR is telling him what he wants to hear as it pertains to what he told the DR. Like I said, I lied to the DR too at first. It became too hard to remember the lies I had told the DR, so I confessed to being caught. 

Have a nice evening handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters! Sneak a piece for yourself too!


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Just when I think that I can handle this mess, I realize I can't and break down. H said some very hurtful things today. He finally figured out how to get me to react. My daughter. I had a child at a very young age. Her bio-father is not in the picture at all. When I met H, he was more than happy to be her Dad without me even asking. I actually thought we should wait but he insisted on being there for her and has been for 7 years. So after a whole day of trying to get me to react to his behavior, he hit me with a low blow. 

I was trying to explain to him how we are not going to be in the same situation after the D. We currently live in H's hometown, H works for his family company,H makes very good for not having a college education H has a brand new truck, H has the means to pay rent on two places, etc. I, on the other hand, have a 12 year old, a job that I just started that pays minimum wage, a car with 126,000 miles on it, no family or friends where I live now, and I have to relocate my child and myself 4 days before Christmas. H has the nerve to tell me that I have been a single mom since I was 15 so I shouldn't try to put "this" on him. He wants me to stop making him look like the bad guy. 

My child is my weakness and I guess he knows this. H dug it in good! He got me where it hurts most and he knew it. When he was on his way out the door for the night, he gave me a hug. It felt very awkward and I said "this sucks". This is right after he told me he was going to go workout, then going to a Halloween party (I have been asking to go to a Halloween party for years!), then he would be staying at his "other place" for the night. I felt very low and the hug didn't help. I have done a great job of masking the pain I feel around H. He told me bye and walked into the garage shutting the door behind him.I lowered my head to try to stop the tears that threatened to make an appearance at any moment, when H came rushing back in the house. He caught me in a very vulnerable moment that I couldn't hide quick enough. He said "please don't do this", I tried to walk away before the dam broke, H saw this and without saying a word raced back out the door. I think that he was upset by my reaction.

I am mad at myself for showing him that he still affects my emotions! He doesn't deserve to make me feel so much pain. I really want my marriage to make it but the outcome looks worse and worse every day. I am trying to stay positive but H is wearing me down. The 180 approach is no longer working! I don't know what else to do anymore


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *If he's the least bit remorseful, he's on the ride too.* And it's a long ride from what I've read in this forum. It sucks for anyone on the ride. Look back over your shoulder and you'll see me and my wife there too.
> 
> I agree that it sounds like the DR is telling him what he wants to hear as it pertains to what he told the DR. Like I said, I lied to the DR too at first. It became too hard to remember the lies I had told the DR, so I confessed to being caught.
> 
> Have a nice evening handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters! Sneak a piece for yourself too!


I don't know if he is remorseful. Sometimes it seems like he is. Other times, it seems like he really doesn't care. It is day 28 after D-day so I know the ride has just begun. H told me today that he thinks that the grass might be greener on the other side. The famous last words of a soon to be ex husband


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

Let him think the grass is greener. Once the dust has settled he will realize how good he had it.

While reading the beginning of your story I really thought we were married to the same person. However my husband really is having an EA with a person 2500 miles away and who is only 18 (we are 25). I am in day 28 as well and while I need to give this time, I cannot and will not sit by and let him disrespect the marriage. I know in my heart filing for divorce is not the thing to do right now, but I mailed the papers anyway. He obviously doesn't value the vows we said to each other and his family tells me he doesnt act married at all. He wants a divorce, here you go.

For your own sanity, stick to your guns and do what you know is the right thing. He is playing games right now and its not fair to you. Take charge of the situation. Letting him live in both places is giving him the security he wants and not making him man up and face the facts. He needs a large dose of reality and you should serve it to him with dignity. He won't know what hit him.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

ConfusedAndHopeless said:


> Let him think the grass is greener. Once the dust has settled he will realize how good he had it.
> 
> While reading the beginning of your story I really thought we were married to the same person. However my husband really is having an EA with a person 2500 miles away and who is only 18 (we are 25). I am in day 28 as well and while I need to give this time, I cannot and will not sit by and let him disrespect the marriage. I know in my heart filing for divorce is not the thing to do right now, but I mailed the papers anyway. He obviously doesn't value the vows we said to each other and his family tells me he doesnt act married at all. He wants a divorce, here you go.
> 
> For your own sanity, stick to your guns and do what you know is the right thing. He is playing games right now and its not fair to you. Take charge of the situation. Letting him live in both places is giving him the security he wants and not making him man up and face the facts. He needs a large dose of reality and you should serve it to him with dignity. He won't know what hit him.


You are absolutely right. I figured out that his "other place" is really a motel he rented for a week. Still, he has no right to think he can live in both places. When I asked him when he was moving out he said he was taking it slow. I asked if he would be staying at our home and he said on and off. He also had the nerve to complain about paying bills at both places. The funny thing is that we have an extra bedroom in our house! I am tired of the games. I am done feeling bad. I will not worry about what he is doing. No more mothering him at all about anything. I will speak my mind and if he doesn't like it then to bad. H has mistaken my kindness for weakness. This is his problem...


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

He is taking advantage of your desire to make things work. By living at home and then running to the hotel when he stays out late you are giving him his cake and letting him eat it too. Is that really what you want?

What about your feelings? He has control of the situation right now. Take it back by giving him what he thinks he wants. If anything it will be an extreme eye opener for him. And if he doesn't fight it, then you are doing yourself a favor.

Believe me, I know its hard. But in the long run, he will either see the errors in his ways or you will have the ball in your court and be able to start rebuilding your life.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He knows he's not in control of the situation, and he's trying to get to you so that he can get some form of control. Don't give in. Like ConfusedAndHopeless said, stick to your guns. You got some great advice from ConfusedAndHopeless.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

HerToo said:


> *He knows he's not in control of the situation, and he's trying to get to you so that he can get some form of control.* Don't give in. Like ConfusedAndHopeless said, stick to your guns. *You got some great advice from ConfusedAndHopeless.*


I think he is losing control and now he is grasping at straws. I am trying really hard to stand my ground, but he is wearing me down. This forum has helped me to stay focused (for the most part anyway ) and I take all the advice I get into consideration. The more H behaves this way the more I start questioning our love. I love him very much but do I love him enough to be treated this way? And if he ever loved me would he be able to treat me this way? Day by day is how I am operating now. I have a ton of thinking and altering to do when it comes to my life. H and his emotions add to much stress on top of what I have to deal with. H is very fond of saying that his mind is all f*cked up and he has to deal with that. H wants us all to focus on his issues and ignore anybody else. I can't ignore myself any longer.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You are right. you can't ignore your own needs. You can tell him that you support him becoming a better person, but that he has created a situation that shifts your priority from him to the survival of you and your family now. It wasn't your choice. It was thrust upon you. And like every other challenge you've had in your life, you will work on it and get through it.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

So the H took another unexpected turn today, though I'm not sure if it is for better or worse. After working for most of the day, I was able to finally get to my phone at around 3pm. H had called me 10x, texted 7x, and left a voicemail. He informed me through text that he would not be coming home at all today because it is getting harder and harder to let me go. I decided to call and was blown away by the next 40 min conversation with H. He spent a lot of this time sobbing uncontrollably.  

He said that he didn't know what he was doing anymore. HE didn't know what to think or say. He is having a very difficult time without me and my daughter. H misses me, he misses his family life and all the good times. He finishes all of this by saying he really just needed to hear my voice. H also told me that the DR had said that he suffered from some sort of personality disorder but he can't remember the name. 

H seems to think that he is crazy and beyond any help that I can offer. :scratchhead: I feel the complete opposite. I know that whatever he is going through, he can't go at it alone. He will need someone to help him through this. He claims the DR told him that he needed to separate from the people that love and care for him the most (me and my child) so that he can better understand what is going on within himself. This makes no sense to me at all. I would not be surprised if the DR is saying the exact opposite. 

All I know is that at this moment, my H is somewhere very sad over what is happening in his life. He is alone with his thoughts and his emotions. I asked him to come home tonight but he said he couldn't. I don't want him to be alone but maybe it is what he needs to help come out of the dark place he seems to be stuck in. The tables have turned in a way. You see, sleeping alone isn't so bad anymore. I have gotten used to it. Being home alone isn't that bad either. My daughter and I have been spending a lot of time together. We still both miss H but as the days move forward the pain of it all fades and the healing takes it's place.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's possible that the DR told him to be alone and see what it's like without you and your daughter in his life. It's also possible that he told himself to do it. Why? To see the real value of what he is going to lose if he was to divorce and leave. 

It also sounds like he's in a deep depression and feels remorseful and sever guilt for what he did. Keep extending your offer to help and to have him home where he is safe and wanted. It's doubtful that he has a personality disorder or the DR would have prescribed some medication. Or maybe he did and you don't know that bit of information. 

It's nice that you and your daughter are starting to find some peace. Now you know you can survive if the worst should happen. I hope it doesn't happen. 

The love for you and your daughter is there. The constant calls, texts, voice mail, and openly grieving over the phone is a good sign of that. He's crying out for help, at the same time he's punishing himself. He wants you back, but feels that he doesn't deserve you. 

At least this is my perspective on things. 

My story is similar to his except that I never left the house. These past few days have been filled with thoughts of me ruining my wife's life, and that I should give her everything and disappear so that she can find a man that is trustworthy and worthy of her love.

I hope things get better for you each day.


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Thanks again for the words of advice and encouragement, HerToo.  They really d help me out tremendously. H called today early in the morning. He said that the D papers should be ready by tomorrow (this is news to me). We hadn't talked about it for a while and I kind of broke down. I expressed my feelings and emotions, basically saying that I didn't want a D and I want to help him through this time in his life. H said again that he doesn't want to be married anymore. This broke my heart all over again. H keeps saying I need to move on but it is hard when he isn't moving on either. I don't want to move on! I want to make my marriage work. I still hope that H will realize what he is doing and try to make our marriage a happy, loving thing once again.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you want to, read my post in this forum. I see your posts that think of what my wife is going through.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear about this. It sounds so much like my story. The emotional rollercoaster though and the anger is not you, its him. He's having an affair, whether its become physical or not yet I don't know. He's blaming you and making you think its your fault and you should change. 

My story is much like yours. First it was an EA, then a PA. It was about a year. Funny we never fought until the end and then I discovered it. Today he will admit it was his fault and he did not mean the things he said it was to excuse his behavior but it didn't work he felt guilty and that made him angry. 

Its been 3 years and its funny tables have turned. The marriage I once would have done anything to save...I'm not sure I want anymore. He told me he might want a D as well back when he was having the affair. I told him that was probably best, I told him to move out and I changed the locks while he was out messing with the OW. Then she suddenly was not so attractive to him. Initially I tried to change he told me what was wrong with me and I believed him. I focused on getting in shape, I ran (now run half marathons), I cut my hair, bought sexier clothes, made new friends, and suddenly men were flirting with me and I was more interesting to him. Then I began to think he didn't deserve me...

The best thing I ever did was focus on myself. Initially for the wrong reasons (to make him happy) and at some point I said this is not for him, he doesn't deserve me, I want to focus on what will make me a better person, mother, friend, etc. Not a better wife. I bought clothes that made me feel prettier, did my hair different not how he told me to but they way I wanted, made new friends and suddenly I could see what he was doing and had the courage to tell him it was ok, I could move on without him. So please look at yourself and see the good things. Change only because its important to you, change what will make you feel better and do it only for you. It may save your marriage, or you might decide you don't want to be married anymore...or maybe it won't save your marriage but you will be prepared to move forward and be stronger for it.


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