# Wife cheated the second time!!!



## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

My wife and I are both 36, we have been together since High school, we have 2 kids 11 and 16.
The first time she cheated on me was 2 years into our marriage.
I was having these strange feelings come over me for a bit and I just blurted out to her what the hell is going on with this guy and she finally told me that they went to lunch together once
and they kissed. My wife and I and the guy all worked together and she finally told me that she said he was going to become friends with me to get to her (she knew the whole damn time!!) and didnt care to tell me.well she said sorry I beleive in second chances so I forgave her but I was just starting to kinda come back out of my shell until july 4th of last year I found out that she had over a 1000 texts to this guy from her job before she went to work at 5:00am then they started as soon as she got off work non stop till 11:00 at night. I knew somthing was up so I confronted her about it, When I asked her I could see it in her eyes that she knew she was caught. She says she dont remember any of the texts (just a couple here and there) she said they met in a bank parking lot before work in the morning and always got out of the car, I asked her why she did this and she said that they flirted for awhile and he kept bugging her about kissing him for his birthday and she finally gave in and met him.
I know they met atleast 3 timeswithin 2 weeks.
She ran a mile down the street to meet him from our house while I stayed at a friends house and they went to a nearby school before he went to work.
I asked her whenever they met what did they say to eachother and she says not a word.
To give you an idea The texts started June 20th and stopped July 4th.
It makes me sick to be around her, She wonders why I dont talk much, I just can't understand how someone can do this to someone they love or care about. I gave her no reason to doubt me or not trust me.
I dont know what to do, I want the whole truth, I dont think I know everything, and Im afraid that I am going to stay just for the kids, I will never trust her again, and I dont wanna be around someone I can't trust.
Please someone tell me something advise, anything.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So they met at a parking lot but only kissed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using? You can recover deleted texts from some of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She does not love you. She loves herself. You have become too beta and are boring. She deserves better (in her mind). 

Prove her wrong. Kick her out and make her prove to you that she deserves you. Protect your finances so she can't drain the bank or run up the cards. Tell her if she wants to stay married to you, she will write this last OM a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send yourself (it's for the humility that she needs), she will set up a biweekly therapy session for herself, she will take all passwords off her phone and computer, she will allow you to view them whenever you want. If she doesn't want to do these things, she's welcome to move out. The kids stay with you. If she balks, go straight to a lawyer and start drawing up papers; find out if you can file for adultery in your state; go for full custody (barganing chip).

And get the book No More Mr Nice Guy and read it today.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé the affair. I bet he has a GF or wife. Find her and tell her that he is having sex with you wife. Don't say they just kissed. They clearly went way past that. 

Do not warn her that you are doIng this. 

Also expose the affair to close friends and family. 

Next ask your wife to surrender her phone and all passwords

No contact letter to OM

And then for yourself : give yourself a couple of weeks before you make the fInal D decision but in the meantime visit a lawyer get prices and have the initial papers drawn up for use if you chose D. Let your wife know you are doing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

Thats just it I dont need her passwords or anything like that she doesnt know it but I have all access to all that, I forgot to mention that she told me she met him outside of his apartment in the parking lot, he said he would take her up and have his way with her but his dad was up there and she just laughed about it to him. Im not sure what to believe. I think she will not tell me everything in fear of losing me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If your wife is that easy, then your bet bet is to move on without her.

Today it's that man tomorrow it'll be others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The texts suddenly stop July 4th eh? And you have access to her phone? This most likely means she has gotten a secret affair phone. Get a VAR, here are some examples:

Best Buy - Computers, Video Games, TVs, Cameras, Appliances, Phones

Sony ICDBX112 Digital Voice Recorder, 2GB Digital Voice Recorder, Flash Voice Recorder, Sony Digital Voice Recorder

Use heavy duty velcro and install it under the seat of her vehicle. Why? Because you know by now A LOT of activity happens in her car, doesn't it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

keko said:


> If your wife is that easy, then your bet bet is to move on without her.
> 
> Today it's that man tomorrow it'll be others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

She cheated very early into the marriage, and now the OP finds this out. Its a good possibility that she's had other affairs that he didn't know about.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I believe they hooked up. But even if they didn't, she was going to meet him. She was willing and able. If they didn't have sex, it wasn't because she was a good girl.

You need to come down on her hard. Tell her to leave. She needs to know that this won't be tolerated, or it will continue to happen.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> I think she will not tell me everything in fear of losing me.


That is the key, give her a dose of the ol fear of losing you. And i'd follow turnera's advice if I were you.

And remember, never stay in a relationship for the kids. Your kids will adapt, you will adapt and everything will work out fine. Besides you're setting a good example by not letting anyone violate your principles


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might think about DNA testing your kids. Don't do it as a knee jerk. Think through it really hard before. 

First rule of cheaters: the lie. Assume everything she tells you is a lie until yourself verify it. 

For instance I wonder if his wife was in the appartment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

macmanus76 said:


> Thats just it I dont need her passwords or anything like that she doesnt know it but I have all access to all that, I forgot to mention that she told me she met him outside of his apartment in the parking lot, he said he would take her up and have his way with her but his dad was up there and she just laughed about it to him. Im not sure what to believe. I think she will not tell me everything in fear of losing me.


Ah.. hot, nasty *parking lot sex*. I've read about this a lot. He didn't want her go to his apartment and meet his wife or girlfriend.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

the reason the texts stopped is because I found out 4:00 am that morning, and when they met at his place I find it very hard to believe that nothing happened, out of the whole time anyway because to me you dont go through all of that trouble and do nothing. am I wrong? she says she wasn't looking for sex. I just would like to have a conversation with someone that I know is not going to feed me a line of crap. She stole something from me and Ill never get it back.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

macmanus76 said:


> Thats just it I dont need her passwords or anything like that she doesnt know it but I have all access to all that, I forgot to mention that she told me she met him outside of his apartment in the parking lot, he said he would take her up and have his way with her but his dad was up there and she just laughed about it to him. Im not sure what to believe. *I think she will not tell me everything in fear of losing me*.


BINGO!!! Without concrete proof from you, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem less than what it truely is.

You asked her when they met up what did they talk about and she said nothing at all. That tells me that they were too busy doing something else.

I agree with everyone else. Get a VAR. Put one in her car and plant another one in the house in a room that you've seen her talking on the phone a lot.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

she's been f*cking him for awhile now. sorry man.


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## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

Your wife is seeking action, that's why she finds it so easily. 

Do what turnera said and she'll tell you what's going on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So they switched to either a new messaging app or aburner phone. 

So it's still been going on all that time and before. 

You need to expose it to the light of day. Your wife will be angry but it is the best way to hurt the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wife is a cake eater. The best way to deal with a cake eating spouses is to *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559*.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

I just recently found out that he has a new girlfriend and she is prego already!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

macmanus76 said:


> Thats just it I dont need her passwords or anything like that she doesnt know it but I have all access to all that, I forgot to mention that she told me she met him outside of his apartment in the parking lot, he said he would take her up and have his way with her but his dad was up there and she just laughed about it to him. Im not sure what to believe. I think she will not tell me everything in fear of losing me.


Yeah. His "Dad" was up there. Well, Dad is a new name for wife or girl friend...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

macmanus76 said:


> I just recently found out that he has a new girlfriend and she is prego already!!


She at least deserves to know what kind of scumbag she's with. This OM is a player alright, which also means that you must get tested for STDs. Tell that to your WW before kicking her to the curb.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Mac: I read your thread and I am confused. Your wife cheated on you within the 1st two years of your marriage -- then you caught her again -- this time a year ago (July 4th). Has she been cheating with this guy for this entire year -- or is it you and her never discussed the affairs and now you are asking for advice from last year ?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I agree that with a repeat offender, you need to go the nuclear route. Nuke the marriage. Tap your emotions and just go off the deep end. Work hard so you no longer care if it works out or not. Don’t even try to ‘discuss’ this until after she’s hit rock bottom. You need to harden yourself and stop caring one bit about her... all the way from what she is doing to how she sees you. Go ahead and show her the monster. For all intents and purposes, you need to consider her a ghost who just haunts this house.... and go ahead and scream at that spectre... 

Get all your stuff in order. Do it in the open. Consult lawyers, new bank accounts, make copies of all the financial records, put stops on the joint accounts, start talking in terms of her stuff / your stuff, research parenting plans, etc. The efforts she should witness is as far as she knows, all about getting rid of her. You want her panicking and overwhelmed by how fast you are moving on this. Chaos is your friend when dealing with a foggy spouse. 

And hell yes that is hard. You love her. You really probably do want it work out. There will be days you just want to curl up and die. You can’t. Find that strength to shock her out of it. She needs to absolutely feel how seriously screwed up she’s made you and feel her world burning around her. How could she not see that coming?


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

It happend last year and I am still trying to cope with it trying to decide what to do, I believe she is trying to brush as much as she can under the rug. I just dont wanna go on any more without the truth.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Mac,
This is my understanding.

You found out in the second year of your marriage that she cheated on you. Your first kid is 16 and you both are 36! 

You forgave her (quick rug sweep there) and recently in June/ july last year you found out that she is cheating (emotionally?!) with her co worker. You confronted her without evidence and she gas lighted you!

That co worker has a pregy GF.

This is very normal of cheaters, any way!

Lord Mayhem has advised you to get VAR, and other methods by which you will be able to get evidence. Act normal for now, and collect as much evidence as possible.

Take care of your health.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You would have to be in major denial not to believe that they have hooked up. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed she would not put up with this so why are you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Expose to the OM's girlfriend
3. Expose to everyone.
4. See a lawyer to understand your options.

If you do not expose to the OM's girlfriend then you you are sending a message to him it is acceptable to screw your wife. The bottom line is that your wife does not love you. Time to move on. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What changed after you found out? I assume she hasn't contacted him since? What changes did you make to the marriage?


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

By the way everyone, I dont know any of you but I really do appriciate all of your thoughts and comments, I dont feel like Im by myself as much. thanks alot.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Buy the VARs now and use them. Run to the store.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

well first of all it was like pulling teeth to make her quit her job, after I told her it either me or the job she finally quit.
and no she hasn't contacted him. she is clueless on how I find out things so if anything she is scared to contact him if she wanted to.
we both changed jobs and was working at the same place and I couldn't stand the job so I quit.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

If i were you I'd pack her bags for her. See you at the cleaners sweetie.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

macmanus76 said:


> I believe she is trying to brush as much as she can under the rug. I just dont wanna go on any more without the truth.


Sorry brother, getting the truth is not likely to happen.

It's best to assume the very worst possible scenario then decide if that is something you can live with. 

She's not going to tell you the truth, even if she tells you some version of it... it will be rewritten, dumbed down and will include a large dose of why most of it is your fault. 

This story doesn't end well my friend.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is understandable to want to R (reconcile) after one D-day but to do so after two or more D-days? Your choice but please realize that if you want to avoid a false R you'd be wise to have her implement the principles in *How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*. Doing so will show you how serious she is about making atonement for her betrayal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So sorry yur wife has done this. In my opinion, you picked a bad one to marry. Not your fault brother... I picked a bad one too, except I stayed with mine another eighteen years after her first affair. 

Your wife is a serial cheater and has no respect for you or the marriage. I know you love her, but you need to love yourself more. She will repeat this behavior again, and again, and again because this is who she is. 

See a lawyer and get the D process going. Don't tell her, just have her served. Then move towards separating finances. Protect yourself emotionally, legally and financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A kiss is cheater code for we had sex. Believe me, in most cases a kiss is much more then a kiss.

Don't show your hand if you have not already. My wife still thinks I know a lot more then I know and I will not tell her that. I say things like isn't technology wonderful, it has a way of recording everything we write and it is stored somewhere. I say, people talk and it is amazing what guilt does to people to make them want to tell you stuff. My wife thinks I talked to the OM. I never did.

Start with VARS and GPS. Sucks I know. Sorry you are here, man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So she's not cheating now. What are you doing to improve the marriage?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Unless I'm mistaken, she's been cheating since your initial d-day throughout your entire marriage?, or was that a different person?


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## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

If you kick her out, she wont find a reason to cheat anymore. That's how the mind of cheater works.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She cheated early in your marriage. Probably no significant consequences suffered by her.

So, she cheats again. How do you want to deal with this? What should her serious consequences be? What does she need to do to learn an important lesson of marriage (ie, dont cheat)?

And, would you want to spend the rest of your life hanging on to a repeat cheater?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You seem pretty certain she`s not fooling around now.

If the OM does have a new pregnant girlfriend and this happened a year ago I could be inclined to agree with you.

You say you have eyes on her communications and whereabouts but if one of these methods doesn`t include a VAR in her car just to see who she's talking to I`d advise putting one there for a few weeks.

My opinion..

Your wife had sex with this guy multiple times and will most probably go to her grave never 'fessing up.

If you can verify NC since last year when you busted it it`s very likely she`s not screwing around at the moment(at least with him) as it would seem she doesn`t want to lose your relationship.

You can either let her have her secret or get into some marriage counseling in the hopes of getting it out of her.

Have you thought about how you would react to complete honesty from her about it?
Would you divorce or want R?

If R is the answer convincing her she won`t lose you may over time get it out of her.

Just some ideas.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

I feel that she wants to sweep it under the rug as fast as she can and forget about it, she doesnt want to confront the truth. she becomes a smart ass and get really agitated when I bring it up again. she says Im rediculous. I want to know the truth no matter how bad it is for my own peice of mind. so I can decide what I want to do.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

macmanus76 said:


> Im afraid that I am going to stay just for the kids...


You need to do more research on the subject of divorce and how it affects children.

Here's the quick summary.

Staying in a bad relationship "for the kids" is worse than a relatively amicable divorce that keeps the kids as uninvolved in the failure of the parent's relationship as is humanely possible.

My wording is a bit messed up there, what I'm saying is to stay together for the kids will do them more harm than good, the stats prove it. Get a civil divorce and keep the kids out of the conflict and they'll be ok.. or at least better off than seeing a loveless deceptive relationshp perpetuate between their parents whose behaviors they will someday model.

Then again I see lots of betrayed spouses say "I'd leave that cheater in a second but I don't want to hurt my kids" and it's obvious they are staying because they're scared, and the kids are just a martyrish excuse.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

macmanus76 said:


> I feel that she wants to sweep it under the rug as fast as she can and forget about it, she doesnt want to confront the truth. she becomes a smart ass and get really agitated when I bring it up again. she says Im rediculous. I want to know the truth no matter how bad it is for my own peice of mind. so I can decide what I want to do.


macmanus,

Her actions (telling you you`re ridiculous after what is verified she did?) and the circumstances let you know the truth..

What you want is her to admit it.

She doesn`t understand she`s actually doing more harm by keeping it from you than if she just told you straight out.

Would you divorce if she told you she was physical with the OM?

If the answer to that is yes then you should just go ahead and divorce because you know she was.

If the answer is no you`d rather R then somehow you`ve got to get her to realize she`s pushing into doing what she doesn`t want in her attempt to keep you from doing it.

Gaaahh....this stuff is nuts.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

one thing Im worried about is making the biggest mistake of my life.
she has told me a few times , if I cant handle being around her just move out and leave her. I almost feel like why the hell should she get what she wants?! I dont know.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Man you're problem lies in the fact that you're still in limbo, wake up.
With all due respect your wife( tramp) simply doesn't care about you anymore or she probably never did in the first place.

Save yourself the heartbreak and get out of the relationship now. 

And you should ask her to leave and file for divorce


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She is playing you. If you really were such an inconvenience she would have left herself. 

Take her up on her words, get her served. Assume control. After that she'd either have to bust her ass to get you back, or pack up and leave. Either outcome is preferable to your limbo now.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

macmanus76 said:


> one thing Im worried about is making the biggest mistake of my life.
> she has told me a few times , if I cant handle being around her just move out and leave her. I almost feel like why the hell should she get what she wants?! I dont know.


You are trying to say that she wants you to leave, so you won't leave because you don't want to give her what she wants?

Wow that's quite the twisted logic you got there.

I'd stick with "I'm staying for the kids".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

macmanus76 said:


> I feel that she wants to sweep it under the rug as fast as she can and forget about it, she doesnt want to confront the truth. she becomes a smart ass and get really agitated when I bring it up again. she says Im rediculous. I want to know the truth no matter how bad it is for my own peice of mind. so I can decide what I want to do.


 Well, THIS is completely in your control. 

All YOU have to do is say "either we sit down and discuss this to my satisfaction or I'm filing for divorce."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

macmanus76 said:


> one thing Im worried about is making the biggest mistake of my life.
> she has told me a few times , if I cant handle being around her just move out and leave her. I almost feel like why the hell should she get what she wants?! I dont know.


Tell her that SHE can leave, but the kids stay with you. Then get your lawyer in motion. At best, she'll get them 50% of the time. And you may be able to use her cheating against her in court to get them more.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

Thats what Im going to do. Ill let you what happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The bottom line is this: You're acting like a total doormat, and women DESPISE doormats. Probably one of the main reasons she went looking for a 'real' man who would shake her boots. 

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Time to get started.


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## macmanus76 (Jun 5, 2012)

no I havent but I will check it out. thanks to all of you.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> Tell her that SHE can leave, but the kids stay with you. Then get your lawyer in motion. At best, she'll get them 50% of the time. And you may be able to use her cheating against her in court to get them more.


*WRONG*

The courts don't consider cheating when making awards of custody, unless it directly affects the children such as the cheater exhibiting sexual behaviors with their lover in front of the kids.

If she's been the primary caregiver, then it's likely she will get primary custody and the Op will get visitation.

To suggest otherwise is reckless and irresponsible.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

macmanus76 said:


> one thing Im worried about is making the biggest mistake of my life.
> she has told me a few times , if I cant handle being around her just move out and leave her. I almost feel like why the hell should she get what she wants?! I dont know.


She should leave instead. She messed up, she leaves.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

aug said:


> She should leave instead. She messed up, she leaves.


In an ideal fantasy world, sure.

In reality, with the current structure of our court system and the laws of our great country and most states and other countries?

Typical scenario when wife is the cheater:

Husband is the breadwinner, wife stays home and raises kids. Wife gets lonely/bored, and/or husband works too much and "neglects her".

She finds solace "elsewhere" in the form of another man's penis.

Ultimately they divorce. She gets house, sole custody of the kids, child support and alimoney and he ends up on a couch in a relatives house with occasional visitation with his kids, and to add insult to injury the other man moves into HIS house and cuts the grass with HIS lawnmower.

Typical scenario when husband cheats:

She gives up a career (or never pursues one) so he can get a job and be a provider. He decides to cheat on her, ultimately he moves on with his mistress, she stays home with the kids trying to support them on a paltry amount of support which doesn't last forever while he's out having fun.

Marriage isn't worth it folks!

This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It does not happen all the time. I can think of at least 5 guys on these forums who ended up with sole custody. I'm sorry YOU got a raw deal, but it doesn't happen to everyone.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

macmanus76 said:


> I feel that she wants to sweep it under the rug as fast as she can and forget about it, she doesnt want to confront the truth. she becomes a smart ass and get really agitated when I bring it up again. she says Im rediculous. I want to know the truth no matter how bad it is for my own peice of mind. so I can decide what I want to do.


This is so maddening! My husband has been doing this for months. Fixing everything else and making everything else so perfect, so that the barebones version of the truth I have, the "Official Story" will not be brought up again..... he also can be a real smarta$$ when discussing it.

My response is to verify the first version of the story which I know is a sanitized version, just by the way he acts. Have you done this? Have you corroborated what you already know?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, THIS is completely in your control.
> 
> All YOU have to do is say "either we sit down and discuss this to my satisfaction or I'm filing for divorce."


Wow. Such beautiful simplicity. 

+10 points for pausing a full few minutes to study the reaction.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> She at least deserves to know what kind of scumbag she's with. This OM is a player alright, which also means that you must get tested for STDs. Tell that to your WW before kicking her to the curb.


I guess I'm a little confused who the scumbag is- the guy who met her in the parking lot with wife/girlfriend in the apartment, or the married woman who hoofed it a mile to meet him in the parking lot.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

macmanus76 said:


> My wife and I are both 36, we have been together since High school, we have 2 kids 11 and 16.
> The first time she cheated on me was 2 years into our marriage.
> I was having these strange feelings come over me for a bit and I just blurted out to her what the hell is going on with this guy and she finally told me that they went to lunch together once
> and they kissed. My wife and I and the guy all worked together and she finally told me that she said he was going to become friends with me to get to her (she knew the whole damn time!!) and didnt care to tell me.well she said sorry I beleive in second chances so I forgave her but I was just starting to kinda come back out of my shell until july 4th of last year I found out that she had over a 1000 texts to this guy from her job before she went to work at 5:00am then they started as soon as she got off work non stop till 11:00 at night. I knew somthing was up so I confronted her about it, When I asked her I could see it in her eyes that she knew she was caught. She says she dont remember any of the texts (just a couple here and there) she said they met in a bank parking lot before work in the morning and always got out of the car, I asked her why she did this and she said that they flirted for awhile and he kept bugging her about kissing him for his birthday and she finally gave in and met him.
> ...


This would end the marriage for me. I have told my wife in no uncertain terms that I will try and forgive her for what she has done. I will work on making our marriage something that will make her happy and try to build the life together that we always wanted. I also told her that any further cheating of any kind, any contact with another man or woman that is anything but completely innocent and she would do with me sitting next to her is not acceptable. I told her I will not discuss it, I will not negotiate the lawyer will be the only person she speaks to.


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