# any advice on husbands sex drive?



## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi I am new here, browsing, trying to get advice. My husband seems to have lost his sex drive over the years, we've been married for 7 years and we have two toddlers. Like another person I was reading, I instigated sex 99% of the time and only get it about 10% of those times. I give him tons of oral which he loved, but I can't even get him to put his hands down there on me. Which naturally leaves me feeling self conscious. 

At this point I feel that he is making excuses. I even told him tonight I didn't want intercourse or oral, all I said was 'lets just touch each other and see.how it goes' . Next thing I know hes stormed to the couch and I am crying alone in my bed. He has even mentioned that maybe we shouldn't be togehter anymore because he can't fulfill my needs but he doesn't even try! Could he be cheating on me?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Does he have any problems getting or maintaining erections during the times when you do have sex?

Have you discussed the issue with him and what does he say?

Relational problems, including cheating, can often have an impact on a couple's sex life. Do you have reasons to suspect he may be cheating - any unaccounted for times when gone from home, unusual texting/emailing?

Here's a list of issues that you may want to consider that could be affecting his libido.

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Best wishes.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Don't jump straight to 'cheating'...there are a variety of other reasons for a low sex drive, including different health issues, not always exclusive to ED. Explore those possibilities before installing keyloggers and VARs to catch him cheating. Good Luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not sex it's fury. Look into anger issues.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

No he doesn't have a problem acheiveng and maintaining an erection. I'm a nurse and we have a good physician. He's had thyroid levels checked among other routine bloodwork. If I want to I can easily bring him to orgasm with oral. And when we do have sex he always ejaculates. He also looks at porn and masturbates. 

As far as the keylogger goes, I've had that installed and caught the excessive.imernet porn. So he is too smart to use the computer to cheat. That doesn't matter because we have smartphones. He can text and email and I would never know.

One day I accidently took his EVO to work with me instead of mine. He got unreasonably angry with me. If I pick up his phone on accident he jokes and says "why are you snooping.on my phone". Sometimes he is late home from work claiming he has to stay late to do reports. And of course on the days I work and the kids are at preschool he has all day to do whatever he wants. He doesn't ever go anywhere with friends and rarely does anything on his own. I encourage him to go play golf or call his buddies to hang out but he says they are all too busy.


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

At this point I don't think I could care less about his libido issues, I'd be more concerned with his anger and how insensitive he is. I agree with Runs Like Dog. 

And for him to be that upset that you accidentally took his phone, I'm sorry, but I may even consider going through it at this point (just being completely honest here). And I've been married for over 5 years, and have never felt the need to go through my H's phone. But again, my H would never get mad, or say "why are you snooping through my phone", and I don't suspect him of cheating. And if he did get upset about me going thru his phone it'd be because I told him I don't like him going through mine. I have absolutely nothing to hide, but I didn't like that whenever I got a text if he was closer to my phone he'd grab it "for me" and read the text while passing it to me and say, "It's _____", when really it was like, don't read my texts before I do, because they could be about something personal, from one of my female friends. I don't have any guys texting me, other than friends that my H probably knows also, and it'd be for an appropriate reason (inviting us to football games, etc). 

It might not be that he's actually sleeping with someone else, but I think men do have conversations they shouldn't have at times, or look at photos you don't want them looking at (not just porn, but maybe facebook photos of someone you know or something). I hate to give you suspicion, because I could be totally and completely wrong here, but I'd ask him why he is so suspicious about you having/going thru his phone. I'd take it on "accident" again one day, and if he gets super mad, I'd go through it. Again, just being completely, completely honest, and telling you what I would do. Not saying it's what you should do. 

Don't forget to think things through before acting, because I don't know your whole situation. Just know that if he is cheating, you are going to have to take action and find the best plan for you, and more importantly, your two toddlers.

Side note, I also wouldn't be giving him "tons of oral" until the favor is returned, and he actually wants to at least touch you down there!


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

PS: Obviously the alternative would be to outright ask him if he is cheating on you, if you don't want to snoop through his phone. Just weigh whether or not you think he'd actually be honest with you or not before you even bother asking him... and make sure you have some real suspicions to go off of.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I've asked him about cheating and he gets upset and starts an argument about something differnet. I have looked through his phone casually and answered his texts with him present . Which doesn't seem to bother him. However he is a phone internet cleaning app that he claims is for his battery and he deletes his text messages often. Since the sprint account is in my name I can get a print out of the texts, honestly with him having the mood swings and getting irrationally angry over some little things makes me suspicious and I am considering ordering the texts. 

As for cutting out the oral, I did that in the past and it led to zero sex and him looking at even more internet porn. I finally bought him some videos and begged him to stop using the internet because it puts our privacy at risk. He says he stopped but who really knows unless I reativated the keylogger, which he knows when its on the computer because he figured out what it was called in the running processes. 

Before you call me crazy, he has done a few things in the past that were of questionable nature, including chat rooms and talking to other women via chat programs. This was about 4-5 years ago and at that time is when he started acting these ways..

I always wanted my kids to have mom and dad married happily at home, but o hate having a man who acts like a teenager. I want someone who treats me with respect and doesn't keep anything from me. I am just grasping at straws trying to keep it together but I wonder of it would be better to just cut my losses. 

Our kids are 3 and 5 and I have my tubes tied so it breaks my heart to break up a family. But I feel like I can't even look at him with respect anymore and the way he neglects my needs and talks to me just makes it hard to see him positively. He also doesn't have a full time job and I do, so I also feel bad about leaving him over these reasons. It's almost like I wish I had a better reason so maybe I am looking for something that isn't there? Maybe he is just a manchild with a porn problem and low libido? Lol, at the same time, I know it soundsk. crazy, but I love him still and the other half of me wants to do whatever it takes to make it work. I know, I need a shrink.... And the conflicting feelings are very frustrating .


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

alania said:


> I've asked him about cheating and he gets upset and starts an argument about something differnet. I have looked through his phone casually and answered his texts with him present . Which doesn't seem to bother him. However he is a *phone internet cleaning app* that he claims is for his battery and he deletes his text messages often. Since the sprint account is in my name *I can get a print out of the texts, honestly with him having the mood swings and getting irrationally angry over some little things makes me suspicious and I am considering ordering the texts. *
> 
> Ok the internet clean up app on his phone, it has nothing to do with the battery. He has it to clean up his phone, internet history and such.. Something he doesn't want you to find. You should get a print out of the texts and call logs and see what you find.
> 
> ...


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks for not thinking I am overreacting. I know in my gut somethings not right. I guess I just need proof and validation.


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## DoYouWoo (Jul 19, 2011)

Surprised at so many here jumping to the "snoop-on-him - find out what you can!" solution. Does nobody talk any more? I'm not saying I have the answer here, but here are some other potential reasons:

- he is depressed (7 year itch, work, family life unfulfilling, lack of hobbies/friends)
- he doesn't find you attractive and sexy any more - not saying he's right to feel that way, just sayin'

I'd discuss his potential depression and feelings about you before I started stealing his phone, downloading apps or hiring Magnum PI.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Yeah well, he weighs about 260-270. And he is 5'11. I am 5'10 and weigh around 180. I lift weights and am tall and curvy and look damn good for having 2 X-secti sections. I work out a lot more than he does. 

So if he doesn't find me attractive that's his problem but I have a normal BMI and I take care of myself. I do my hair and shave and I smell nice and wear makeup. I take care of my skin and he has no reason to find me unattractive. 

We've talked.and discussed depression and everyone we talk about him he gets angry and snaps and says I am blaming.him for our problems. Which.is not true. I'm just trying to figure out how to prevent his mood swings.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He sounds like he has some form of internet addiction and depression. And it sounds like you have tried to talk to him and he stonewalls, distracts you or gets mad.

You are not overreacting at all. How can you have a normal relationship when you have a husband who is actively keeping you at an emotional and sexual distance? You can't!

If he is not willing to fess up to his problems, you may need to shake him up. Would you feel comfortable telling him that unless you see a MC you want him to move out? You would have to mean it. You can't make threats and not follow through.

The other thing you could try is the 180. This means that you emotionally pull away and just focus on yourself and your life. You would basically ignore him, stop doing his laundry, stop talking to him, stop initiating sex, calling him, texitng him, etc. You would start to go out with friends, do all activities without him, and basically live like he's not there. But before you do the 180, give him one more chance to get it together. Sit him down and tell him that you are not happy in the marriage and the reasons why and what you want him to do about it (get therapy, start dealing with his depression, look for a FT job, whatever). If he is true to form and invalidates your concerns, then you would start the 180.

You are not his caretaker or his mother. You can't stay with someone because he is not working full time. He is not putting much if anything into the relationship. Life is too short to put up with that.

Change how YOU react and it will change the whole dynamic.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I have actually packed his stuff and had it waiting in the living room over the internet crap. At one point he actually had a secret email and was attempting to swap pics with people on Craigslist. He downloaded fake pictures of course and claimed it was because I tried to get him to stop looking at porn. That was during a period where i was ignoring him sexually for the same reaosons, the sexual insensitivity and generally lack of initiation. He basically wants to lay there and get blown and not have to put forth any effort. He claims all the online stuff was just to get pics and it was my fault for ignoring him sexually. Although at the time I found it he cried and begged forgiveness. I agreed to not withholding sex as a punishment so I do try to please him for fear of losing him. We also order tasteful videos for him now to prevent him from trying to look at stuff online that could be dangerous or malicious.

I can't do a 180 unless we actually separated. We both work weekends. Kids are in daycare/preschool during the week, they are home with him the weekends I work and home with me the weekends he works. We both do 12 hour shifts. He does laundry and dishes and cleans the house. So he has so many positive aspects I don't want to paint him as a complete monster. He is a great father, its me personally the way he talks to me feels so disrespectful sometimes and his defensive attitude at times concerns me. I tell him directly, I'm worried that you are messing around on the computer or worse and he will be like "god I'm not doing anything, I don't have time", or "quit being paranoid". It's just my gut telling me something is wrong. But my gut is also what tells me a patient might ne going downhill before the vitals show it so I have to listen to my gut. (im a nurse)


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Sorry for the typos my EVO isn't cooperating. But basically he only works part tome and gets extra hours only if he's called to fill in. Im a nurse so I get plenty of work. But like I said, he has agrees to counseling but we have an appt in two weeks. I just feel like im dealing with a 3rd toddler throwing temper tantrums. I shouldn't have to tell my husband of 7 years that its not.ok to tell his wife to shut up or call her annoying and a million other diminutive comments.

What he says is that he resents me when I call him out on these things. When we were younger he wasn't as bad and it has definitely worsened over the years to the point where his dad will notice and say "boy you don't talk to people like that". Like he will literally call me stupid if I ask too many questions, when in fact I was a gifted kid in school and have a well above average IQ. I explained to him that asking questions was not a sign of stupidity but rather a sign of intelligence. He is also above average and in many ways does surpass me in some areas. But I was always a bit strange and people are often intimidated by my need to learn and know as much as possible personality. So even though I know I'm not stupid, it still hurts when he calls me stupid out of frustration..


Thank you BTW for pointing out that are problem is much deeper than just sex. I hope he's not cheating and Ihope therapy and counseling helps us. Does anyone know a link to a good keylogger? I used to have sspro but he wized up to that. Sprint requires a court order to get text message transcripts so that is out. I just need some peace of mind that he's not falling into old habbits.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

well I found a keylogger that I don't think he will be able to detect, at least not right away. If he's doing anything he is home the next 2 days and doesn't work till the weekend. The kids will be in daycare all day the next two days as well. I installed this on both our laptop and desktop. But if he is texting someone or using his cellphone, then I have no case. And if I find nothing I will still feel suspicious. I really don't know how to erradicate my feelings of suspicion and I hate that I feel that way. but I've been burned in the past by him and I just know the signs.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

DoYouWoo said:


> Surprised at so many here jumping to the "snoop-on-him - find out what you can!" solution. Does nobody talk any more? I'm not saying I have the answer here, but here are some other potential reasons:
> 
> - he is depressed (7 year itch, work, family life unfulfilling, lack of hobbies/friends)
> - he doesn't find you attractive and sexy any more - not saying he's right to feel that way, just sayin'
> ...


You know that sometimes talking just does not work. She has tried to talk to her husband and he gets defensive, blame shifts and so on... She is getting no where..

My husband was the same way... Everything was my fault etc. He was not having an affair, however. 

The only reason why i recommended her getting a key logger is because he may be having an affair. The only way she will ever know is to "snoop" he is not going to come out and say "honey i am having an affair". They usually never do.

He may not be having an affair, but you know when you have that "feeling" you cant get to go away no matter how hard you want it to. Sometimes snooping is best.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

alania said:


> well I found a keylogger that I don't think he will be able to detect, at least not right away. If he's doing anything he is home the next 2 days and doesn't work till the weekend. The kids will be in daycare all day the next two days as well. I installed this on both our laptop and desktop. But if he is texting someone or using his cellphone, then I have no case. And if I find nothing I will still feel suspicious. I really don't know how to erradicate my feelings of suspicion and I hate that I feel that way. but I've been burned in the past by him and I just know the signs.


if he is using his phone rather then using his computer, you should try to get his phone records. If he is having an affair you can not let him know you are on to him, it will make it harder for you to find the truth.

i know how you feel about being suspicious. it is a horrible feeling. No matter what you do you can't get it to go away.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I can view the phone logs online and see the numbers he text messages. But not email and chat programs on the phone. But he texts so many friends from work and stuff, and so do I, sorting through thwe numbers would be impossible. We are textaholics. I havnt seen any phone patterns or long conversations besides his parents numbers and mine.so that makes me feel better. 

I checked the keylogger today and it was clean. Looks like he mostly worked on his schoolwork today. (college classes online) . So maybe I am worrying too much because of his past events.. I feel a little better though. The last time I found things were on accident. 

Oh I don't know how but I forgot to mention he has an online emotional fair while I was pregnant with my daughter. I don't know how but he met a woman through some online.game and started chatting and then phone calls. This was 5-6 years ago, I found out on accident because one of his email passwords had changed. We were pregnant with our first at that time and I was really sick.all Tue time. I don't know.why he did it. He said he was scared or whatever, doesn't make it right but I chose to forgive him mostly because of our first child and we had already been married.for. 2 years. So I know it is not below him to possibly have an affair.


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I hate that I should feel guilty for his indescetions though. It's like, don't give him enough attention and he will be unfaithful. I'm usually pretty selfless but.more and more I feel neglected and unappreciated. I'm a mom, a wife, a nurse , and a student . Sometimes I just want to be loved on, rubbed on, felt up and just plain taken care of. ,


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

i know its only day two of monitering but I am encouraged because I didnt find anything remotely suspicous. More schoolwork, some online shopping and some silly games. Still no sex this week even though he has been home everday. I even tried to initiate once or twice and he laid there telling me how tired he is. Doctors appointments are coming up though so we shall see how it goes. I am sure he would not subject himself to a barrage of tests to see if there are any medical problems causing his low sex drive, if he was actually cheating he probably wouldn't be as willing to go to the doctor


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