# Blow out fighting.....how does everyone deal....



## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Just want to hear other couples when it comes to getting in an argument with your person. My husband and I don't get in big augments/fights unless we've had some drinks and it's not every time we have drinks. But when we do get into it....it's over something that isn't even a big deal...but then it just gets worse because by that time he's mad and I want to make it all better and wont leave him alone even thought he ask me too...I will keep trying to talk to him and say sorry and lets not fight. I know I need to leave him alone at that time but I just can't I need it to better right then and there. I know I should just walk away and leave him alone and I kick myself in the ass the next morning. He's never actually left during a fight but this time he left and stayed at a hotel for the night. I'm so disappointed in myself for not just leaving him alone. Him not coming home really opened my eyes...I don't ever want him to leave for good. I'm just disgusted with myself and I hope that I haven't ruined us for good. He says we are not done, that he wouldn't be here if we were. Anyone else been in this kinda of situation? I also know that it has to do with having some drinks....either it's going to be a good time or it turns bad, we don't get into arguments/fights unless there is drinking involved. Really just want to know if there are other couples out there like this or just how do any of you deal when you guys get into arguments?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I think maybe it's time to stop drinking if that's the case.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Do you both repress your true feelings when you're sober? Do you have poor communication skills with each other? I'm not asking to mock you, but genuinely wondering... for it to only come out when you guys drink, seems like a lot of repressed feelings?


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Do you both repress your true feelings when you're sober? Do you have poor communication skills with each other? I'm not asking to mock you, but genuinely wondering... for it to only come out when you guys drink, seems like a lot of repressed feelings?


 We talk about our feelings honestly when we are sober. Its something small that will blow up for example, I made a comment about being on the phone all the time and it just blew up. I know I have a problem, that I can leave him be when I should when he's mad, but I can't help my self I want to make it better, right away...and I know that's not going to happen. I need to work on myself. We don't really drink too much, just sometimes and sometimes it's good and sometimes not. Thanks for responding.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I think maybe it's time to stop drinking if that's the case.


Thanks for reading my post, I know, we don't really drink too much but sometimes when we do it's bad over something small. I just hope I didn't ruin us for good since like I said he has never left and stayed in a hotel, this would have been the 1st time that we've slept apart from each other in 15 years and did not feel good at all.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

kristine.kris said:


> Thanks for reading my post, I know, we don't really drink too much but sometimes when we do it's bad over something small. I just hope I didn't ruin us for good since like I said he has never left and stayed in a hotel, this would have been the 1st time that we've slept apart from each other in 15 years and did not feel good at all.


I don't want to place any blame, but it seems very much like the alcohol brings out the worst in the "you" as a community sense. I'm sure you didn't ruin anything for good, but it's very concerning that he's never left for the night before or been away for the night before. That problem seems to be escalating and, to me, it would be a wise decision for both of you to put the drinks down a for a while, even if y'all don't drink too much or very much. None might be the best option as to stem the problem at the core.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kristine.kris said:


> We talk about our feelings honestly when we are sober. Its something small that will blow up for example, I made a comment about being on the phone all the time and it just blew up. I know I have a problem, that I can leave him be when I should when he's mad, but I can't help my self I want to make it better, right away...and I know that's not going to happen. I need to work on myself. We don't really drink too much, just sometimes and sometimes it's good and sometimes not. Thanks for responding.


Oh, ok, so that makes sense. I would say, back off of him and stop giving unsolicited advice/commentary. My husband does that to me, and it gets annoying real fast, especially if it's the same comments over and over. You won't feel as drained if you back off, and he won't be so annoyed.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I don't want to place any blame, but it seems very much like the alcohol brings out the worst in the "you" as a community sense. I'm sure you didn't ruin anything for good, but it's very concerning that he's never left for the night before or been away for the night before. That problem seems to be escalating and, to me, it would be a wise decision for both of you to put the drinks down a for a while, even if y'all don't drink too much or very much. None might be the best option as to stem the problem at the core.


Thanks so much for your words. I agree and I did tell him this that it's my fault, I know that I should leave you alone when your mad but I just want to make it better right then in there...drinking and me don't mix sometimes. I'm not going to doing it anymore, it's not worth him leaving for good. Have you ever been so mad or disgusted with your person but still wanted to be with them? I have such this disgust feeling with myself that I acted the way I did to make him have to leave.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Are you sure you are not my ex?? Do you have undiagnosed co-dependence issues? You are driving him away.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

kristine.kris said:


> Thanks so much for your words. I agree and I did tell him this that it's my fault, I know that I should leave you alone when your mad but I just want to make it better right then in there...drinking and me don't mix sometimes. I'm not going to doing it anymore, it's not worth him leaving for good. Have you ever been so mad or disgusted with your person but still wanted to be with them? I have such this disgust feeling with myself that I acted the way I did to make him have to leave.


I have, yes, absolutely. I know how hard that can be and my heart goes out to you that this is all happening with you guys. It's not easy, but it can get better with the work involved.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Oh, ok, so that makes sense. I would say, back off of him and stop giving unsolicited advice/commentary. My husband does that to me, and it gets annoying real fast, especially if it's the same comments over and over. You won't feel as drained if you back off, and he won't be so annoyed.


Have you guys been in a bad argument where you thought he was done? It really hurt that he left and didn't come home that night, I can't stop thinking he's really done with me since he's never left...but he says he's not. I know I need to not say anything or if says anything to me just don't say anything back to cause a fight. Thanks for taking the time to read this. It's nice to be able to talk to all of you on here, I really don't have anyone to talk to, so this is nice, thanks.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> Are you sure you are not my ex?? Do you have undiagnosed co-dependence issues? You are driving him away.


I do think I have some of those traits. I know it's me and I'm going to stop drinking because if he we have any kinda of argument it's only happening sometimes when we drink. I don't want to drive him away and I hope it's not too late. Since you had an ex like me, do you think it's too late? Would he have come home and said that he still wants to be together if he's really done?


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I have, yes, absolutely. I know how hard that can be and my heart goes out to you that this is all happening with you guys. It's not easy, but it can get better with the work involved.


Thanks for your kind words. I plan on not drinking since this is if or when anything bad happens. I don't want to ruin what we have, when it's good it's really good.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

sorry i think i posted my reply twice, just thanks for all you taking the time to read this and all of your words are eye opening and helpful...without being able to post on here and here what all you have to say would drive me crazy. It really helps to have all you to talk too.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> I do think I have some of those traits. I know it's me and I'm going to stop drinking because if he we have any kinda of argument it's only happening sometimes when we drink. I don't want to drive him away and I hope it's not too late. Since you had an ex like me, do you think it's too late? Would he have come home and said that he still wants to be together if he's really done?


My ex would get drunk, then get verbally abusive and nag about the smallest things. I left MANY times to escape it. You are going to have to figure out why you are not good just doing you, and not worry as much about your partner. 

You mentioned he is on the phone a lot, so he might have his own issues. 

No, I doubt it is too late, but you will have to take steps the change things. Once I got to the point of leaving, my brain was checking out. Would you want to be around someone that you know is going to chew on you about 'something' and never give you space to breathe?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone gave you a bunch of hugs and kisses, then steps back, slaps you in the face hard enough to knock your teeth loose, then comes right back in for some hugs and then wonders why you don't want any. It is a sadistic pattern. She could ruin a fun evening in a blink.....


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

bobsmith said:


> Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone gave you a bunch of hugs and kisses, then steps back, slaps you in the face hard enough to knock your teeth loose, then comes right back in for some hugs and then wonders why you don't want any. It is a sadistic pattern. She could ruin a fun evening in a blink.....


You were married to her too?!?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone gave you a bunch of hugs and kisses, then steps back, slaps you in the face hard enough to knock your teeth loose, then comes right back in for some hugs and then wonders why you don't want any. It is a sadistic pattern. She could ruin a fun evening in a blink.....


you just described my marriage, lol


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> My ex would get drunk, then get verbally abusive and nag about the smallest things. I left MANY times to escape it. You are going to have to figure out why you are not good just doing you, and not worry as much about your partner.
> 
> You mentioned he is on the phone a lot, so he might have his own issues.
> 
> No, I doubt it is too late, but you will have to take steps the change things. Once I got to the point of leaving, my brain was checking out. Would you want to be around someone that you know is going to chew on you about 'something' and never give you space to breathe?


Thank you, I'm going to work on myself., I'm very disgusted with myself that I made it to the point that night that he had to leave and feel horrible about it. We've probably been in 5 fights like this in the past 15 years we've been together but this was the 1st for him to leave. The 1st time you left, were you done in your head? What made you stay for as long as you did?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

hubbyintrubby said:


> You were married to her too?!?


Nope that is the one where people here call me a "commitment phobe". I had good reason not to marry that one. My stupidity was in thinking she would change. She never will. Convinced it is normal. If I shared my true feelings about her, I would be kicked off the forums. She is a horrible human being! Not was, IS!


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> Let me give you an analogy. Imagine someone gave you a bunch of hugs and kisses, then steps back, slaps you in the face hard enough to knock your teeth loose, then comes right back in for some hugs and then wonders why you don't want any. It is a sadistic pattern. She could ruin a fun evening in a blink.....


I totally get what your saying, I also want to say it's not just me sometimes it will be him that starts something..it's just I cant leave it alone no matter who starts it..that's my issue not his.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> Thank you, I'm going to work on myself., I'm very disgusted with myself that I made it to the point that night that he had to leave and feel horrible about it. We've probably been in 5 fights like this in the past 15 years we've been together but this was the 1st for him to leave. The 1st time you left, were you done in your head? What made you stay for as long as you did?


After the first time? No, I think it was cumulative BUT he has probably wanted to leave many times before. I suspect he tries to avoid certain things or you in general when you drink. For me, it got to a point that when drinking was going to be involved, I got very anxious because I was just waiting for the bomb (her) to go off about something. And if I brought it up later, she would EXPLODE because it was my fault! 

Every one else around us knew that I drank too, but I don't have that "psycho gear" when drinking. I just have fun.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kristine.kris said:


> Have you guys been in a bad argument where you thought he was done? It really hurt that he left and didn't come home that night, I can't stop thinking he's really done with me since he's never left...but he says he's not. I know I need to not say anything or if says anything to me just don't say anything back to cause a fight. Thanks for taking the time to read this. It's nice to be able to talk to all of you on here, I really don't have anyone to talk to, so this is nice, thanks.


We actually just had a really bad argument a couple of days ago, and we're still not talking lol. But no, not to the point that he's left the house. Maybe your husband just needed to clear his head. What else has your husband said about it? Also, I may not ply him with questions about it just yet, maybe like 1 question about why he chose to leave, so you can prevent that trigger next time?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FFS, both of you need to stop drinking!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Drinking can complicate things. Don’t.

It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week or once a month or once in blue moon. Just don’t.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> After the first time? No, I think it was cumulative BUT he has probably wanted to leave many times before. I suspect he tries to avoid certain things or you in general when you drink. For me, it got to a point that when drinking was going to be involved, I got very anxious because I was just waiting for the bomb (her) to go off about something. And if I brought it up later, she would EXPLODE because it was my fault!
> 
> Every one else around us knew that I drank too, but I don't have that "psycho gear" when drinking. I just have fun.


for the most part we have a good time drinking, it's just sometimes something he will say or I will say that just gets blown out of portion. He's the one that says lets have a drink... I really do love him for example this fight was over something so stupid... after drinking we were going to bed and he asked if I could turn the tv off so he could sleep and I did and then he started messing on his phone and I said i thought you wanted to go to bed (hence turning the tv off) and then he got pissed told me to shut up and then I of course have to go on and on why do you have to say that to me...and it blew up from there. I know that is so stupid for us to get into about that but that's what happened.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just apologize again, then take a year or so off from drinking. Make that choice for you. He's responsible for his own choices.

Or cut back, find a balance. You can do it.

You both can get through this.

Good luck!


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> We actually just had a really bad argument a couple of days ago, and we're still not talking lol. But no, not to the point that he's left the house. Maybe your husband just needed to clear his head. What else has your husband said about it? Also, I may not ply him with questions about it just yet, maybe like 1 question about why he chose to leave, so you can prevent that trigger next time?


How long does it normally take you guys to be back to normal after an argument? He has just said that he needed to leave the situation because I can't leave him alone. I will follow him around and tell him " I'm sorry and lets not fight." He will just say leave me alone and I just want it to be okay... I will even say I'm sorry when it's not me that started it, even if he started it, I will say sorry and want it better right away. I know that's a problem I have.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just apologize again, then take a year or so off from drinking. Make that choice for you. He's responsible for his own choices.
> 
> Or cut back, find a balance. You can do it.
> 
> ...


Thanks Ragnar. I plan on stopping the drinking. I always say I'm sorry when this happens and that i won't happen again to him, but I never actually stopped drinking and him leaving really made me think, so I will do something about it. I just don't want it to be too late for us for the fact that he left and probably liked being by himself


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> FFS, both of you need to stop drinking!


Thanks for taking your time to read this.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Drinking can complicate things. Don’t.
> 
> It doesn’t matter if it’s once a week or once a month or once in blue moon. Just don’t.


thanks for your words and taking the time to read me.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

kristine.kris said:


> How long does it normally take you guys to be back to normal after an argument? He has just said that he needed to leave the situation because I can't leave him alone. I will follow him around and tell him " I'm sorry and lets not fight." He will just say leave me alone and I just want it to be okay... I will even say I'm sorry when it's not me that started it, even if he started it, I will say sorry and want it better right away. I know that's a problem I have.


I know @bobsmith brought up the idea of codependence earlier in this thread. @kristine.kris have you ever seen a therapist for yourself? The fact that you're apologizing for things when you're not even in the wrong tells me that you're people pleasing and caretaking even when it's not your responsibility.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> for the most part we have a good time drinking, it's just sometimes something he will say or I will say that just gets blown out of portion. He's the one that says lets have a drink... I really do love him for example this fight was over something so stupid... after drinking we were going to bed and he asked if I could turn the tv off so he could sleep and I did and then he started messing on his phone and I said i thought you wanted to go to bed (hence turning the tv off) and then he got pissed told me to shut up and then I of course have to go on and on why do you have to say that to me...and it blew up from there. I know that is so stupid for us to get into about that but that's what happened.


TO be honest, as much as I hated the behaviors of my ex, I not once EVER told her to shut up or something similar. Further, it really sounds like there is more here that just the drinking IMO. It really does sound like the phone is an issue and at least in that instance, you may have been justified unless he was just setting an alarm, etc. 

I suspect the alcohol is just opening the door to the resentments. There is more going on.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I know @bobsmith brought up the idea of codependence earlier in this thread. @kristine.kris have you ever seen a therapist for yourself? The fact that you're apologizing for things when you're not even in the wrong tells me that you're people pleasing and caretaking even when it's not your responsibility.


I've thought about that, I really don't have anyone to talk to about myself. I do find it helpful to hear from you guys. I know I shouldn't apologize when I'm not in the wrong, but I do. I was reading those traits of codependency that he brought up and do agree some of those match me. I just need to work on myself and not put my marriage in jeopardy from here on out, because this is the man that I want to grow old with.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> TO be honest, as much as I hated the behaviors of my ex, I not once EVER told her to shut up or something similar. Further, it really sounds like there is more here that just the drinking IMO. It really does sound like the phone is an issue and at least in that instance, you may have been justified unless he was just setting an alarm, etc.
> 
> I suspect the alcohol is just opening the door to the resentments. There is more going on.


There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/


LOL, that is SO funny because the phone issue was an EXACT issue my ex had. Anytime that text thingy went off, she wanted to know who it was more than me. I ignore my phone if I am busy or with someone. She even stole my phone and went through it! to bring co-dependence down to a sentence, it is reliance on someone else for happiness and feeling "whole". It was a perfect storm because I went from someone that was as open as a brick wall, to someone that practically wanted hold my hand while taking a shi*......

For all I know, there is 15yrs of this behavior and he is fed up with it. Or.....he could just be a prick.... I realize people here consider me an azzhole because I am on total lockdown, but I can still see just fine, and I am quite direct anymore. 
I think co-dependence can feel great in the beginning because the other party is receiving all this attention. It gets old fast and the realization that it is abnormal starts to sink in. 

Let me ask you:
Do you request/desire rather consistent check-ins via text/phone when he is gone? 
Do you want to know what he is up all the time?
Do you ask how he is feeling all the time? 
When he is doing something around the house, do you need to be by him all the time?
If he is in the bathroom for longer than 5min, do you knock to see if he is ok?


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

kristine.kris said:


> There was stuff in the past before we got married with him talking to other woman behind my back, but I worked hard and got over all that before we got married. He said that he wouldn't have gotten married if was going to be unfaithful and I believe him. I guess that's why the comment about being on the phone was blown out of portion. Geez...you really don't like your ex and never told her to shut up...makes me think...cause I truly love him and want to grow old with him/





bobsmith said:


> LOL, that is SO funny because the phone issue was an EXACT issue my ex had. Anytime that text thingy went off, she wanted to know who it was more than me. I ignore my phone if I am busy or with someone. She even stole my phone and went through it! to bring co-dependence down to a sentence, it is reliance on someone else for happiness and feeling "whole". It was a perfect storm because I went from someone that was as open as a brick wall, to someone that practically wanted hold my hand while taking a shi*......
> 
> For all I know, there is 15yrs of this behavior and he is fed up with it. Or.....he could just be a prick.... I realize people here consider me an azzhole because I am on total lockdown, but I can still see just fine, and I am quite direct anymore.
> I think co-dependence can feel great in the beginning because the other party is receiving all this attention. It gets old fast and the realization that it is abnormal starts to sink in.
> ...


I don't check his phone at all, his phone is his...I don't want to be that person....I don't even ask to use his phone. I only call/text him maybe twice a week if even that to ask how his day is going. Or if something happens during my work day that I want to tell him then I'll call him. But I never call looking for him or asking him where he's at or what he's doing. When we are at home he does his thing like the yard work and I do my thing like binge a tv show lol...or sometimes help pick weeds  I love reading your words!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> I don't check his phone at all, his phone is his...I don't want to be that person....I don't even ask to use his phone. I only call/text him maybe twice a week if even that to ask how his day is going. Or if something happens during my work day that I want to tell him then I'll call him. But I never call looking for him or asking him where he's at or what he's doing. When we are at home he does his thing like the yard work and I do my thing like binge a tv show lol...or sometimes help pick weeds  I love reading your words!


Well, at least you have a peek into what I dealt with. It allows me to sniff out co-dependence like a dog on a Tbone. I am not 100% convinced the hubby doesn't have some issues but we only have your side of this! This is usually where people will recommend a 'therapist' as it is the most prescribed 'treatment' for everything these days. 

I think you will probably need to at least have a long sober talk and throw ALL your shi7 on the floor. It will do nothing if you don't want to work to fix them, and habits don't break easy!

I will say, I could give you cringe worthy story after story, but I kept going back for more because I loved her and I am not a quitter. However, I figured out that you cannot change a person that is convinced there is nothing wrong. He probably is on the fence right now, which should make it obvious that something has to change. 

I got tired of being chased! I literally told her "you have me roped, you don't need to keep trying to rope me". Maybe let him do some chasing!


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> Well, at least you have a peek into what I dealt with. It allows me to sniff out co-dependence like a dog on a Tbone. I am not 100% convinced the hubby doesn't have some issues but we only have your side of this! This is usually where people will recommend a 'therapist' as it is the most prescribed 'treatment' for everything these days.
> 
> I think you will probably need to at least have a long sober talk and throw ALL your shi7 on the floor. It will do nothing if you don't want to work to fix them, and habits don't break easy!
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice, I know there is something wrong with me when it comes to drinking, and I'm going to change that for myself and my marriage. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to read me.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

kristine.kris said:


> Thanks for your advice, I know there is something wrong with me when it comes to drinking, and I'm going to change that for myself and my marriage. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to read me.


Please don't think of it as something "wrong" with you. It's just something with you that makes you want to make it better. That's not wrong persay, it's just something that doesn't work for you guys and it's something to find a way to make it different and more workable!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

kristine.kris said:


> Thanks for your advice, I know there is something wrong with me when it comes to drinking, and I'm going to change that for myself and my marriage. I really appreciate your words and taking the time to read me.


I stumbled into your other thread. I am curious if you have kids involved in this? I think some of your concerns are rather warranted given the circumstances and that he lied about it. It's doesn't sound like you put your foot down about it, which is something that needs changed. I would flat walk out the door over that alone!


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

You don't have as a hot a temper as my wife does. So you actually cave the moments after a fight? My wife can be mad for days and used to even wake me up to keep it going. I'm more like you... after a few rounds I'm tired and ready to make up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kristine.kris said:


> I totally get what your saying, I also want to say it's not just me sometimes it will be him that starts something..it's just I cant leave it alone no matter who starts it..that's my issue not his.


So what are you doing about it?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

and.....deleted


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

If alcohol is causing your marriage to have these issues, then pick one. Alcohol or your marriage.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> I stumbled into your other thread. I am curious if you have kids involved in this? I think some of your concerns are rather warranted given the circumstances and that he lied about it. It's doesn't sound like you put your foot down about it, which is something that needs changed. I would flat walk out the door over that alone!


We have almost grown kids. After reading your guys advice and words...I need to work on myself, I'm not happy with myself and the way I acted. I think that's the first step. I hope that we grow old together and hope he feels the same, but me worrying about what he's thinking/feeling will just drive me crazy. I need to make myself a better person which in turn should make our marriage better.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

maree said:


> If alcohol is causing your marriage to have these issues, then pick one. Alcohol or your marriage.


Thanks Maree, I agree and I'm making a change it's not worth loosing my marriage.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kristine.kris said:


> How long does it normally take you guys to be back to normal after an argument? He has just said that he needed to leave the situation because I can't leave him alone. I will follow him around and tell him " I'm sorry and lets not fight." He will just say leave me alone and I just want it to be okay... I will even say I'm sorry when it's not me that started it, even if he started it, I will say sorry and want it better right away. I know that's a problem I have.


Generally a day, two days, but so far we're going on 3 days of talking very little, no kissing (at my end). In your situation, I wouldn't follow my husband around. I understand some people like to hash things out quick, but some people need time to think, and I think your husband is that person. So give him time and space after you have a fight, and then when things calm down, then you can discuss.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

turnera said:


> So what are you doing about it?


Thanks for reading me Turnera, I'm working on making myself a better person . Right now I'm just disgusted with myself for acting the way I did. I think, I actually I know for him leaving that night and not coming home really opened my eyes...


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Donny69 said:


> You don't have as a hot a temper as my wife does. So you actually cave the moments after a fight? My wife can be mad for days and used to even wake me up to keep it going. I'm more like you... after a few rounds I'm tired and ready to make up.


 I just hate fighting and the awkward walking on egg shell feeling afterwards. I think I try to make the situation better too fast.. I don't give him enough time to calm down. I'm literally following him around saying sorry a couple minutes into a fight ( I know that's crazy acting) when he just wants to be left alone. It was a rude awakening him leaving for the night after this fight since I wouldn't leave him alone ( doing the following around saying sorry asking him not to leave ) I need to fix myself when it comes to that and let him have his space after a fight, I really need to do that to make my marriage stay solid. Thanks for reading this.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Generally a day, two days, but so far we're going on 3 days of talking very little, no kissing (at my end). In your situation, I wouldn't follow my husband around. I understand some people like to hash things out quick, but some people need time to think, and I think your husband is that person. So give him time and space after you have a fight, and then when things calm down, then you can discuss.


You know I always tell myself that, that I'm not going to follow him around and give him space when we get into an argument...and then I do it again. This time is different I know I will give him space if we get in a fight from here on out...him leaving and not coming home that night, made me sick to my stomach to think that it might actually be over because he actually left and he's never done that. I don't want to wreck our marriage, he's my person.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

You need to not apologize too quickly. It makes you seem like a pushover and that your opinions are not worthy of respect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

kristine.kris said:


> This time is different I know I will give him space if we get in a fight from here on out...him leaving and not coming home that night, made me sick to my stomach to think that it might actually be over because he actually left and he's never done that. *I don't want to wreck our marriage, he's my person*.


Dear heart, it may not be up to you. 

You need to mentally prepare and make some plans to care for you, in the event H is already checked out.

Sad, but may be true. Hang in there.


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Dear heart, it may not be up to you.
> 
> You need to mentally prepare and make some plans to care for you, in the event H is already checked out.
> 
> Sad, but may be true. Hang in there.


I hope he's not all ready checked out. I've talked with him, on how I'm very disgusted with myself that I made him to the point to have to leave and that this time I'm for sure not going to do that again, that him leaving opened my eyes. I see how he looks at me that he's upset with me and I know it won't be better right away. He always gives me a kiss before we leave in the morning and before we go to bed...and he is still doing that, he's even pulled me to lay by him...do you think he would do this if we was completely checked out?


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## kristine.kris (Sep 9, 2020)

Donny69 said:


> You need to not apologize too quickly. It makes you seem like a pushover and that your opinions are not worthy of respect.


I know this is something I need to work on with myself, I hate that I do it. Thanks for reading this.


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