# Anything I can read about recovering from infidelity



## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

after ending the marriage? I've looked around online, but it seems like everything that comes up for "recovering from infidelity" or "surviving infidelity" or the like is for people who have stayed in the marriage, as if that's the only way to recover or survive. Or maybe the ones who leave are supposed to just feel fine and not need any help with it. Not me!  I'm especially frustrated because I can be having such a nice time with my friends and my kids and totally enjoying being single and the new life I'm building and then ex will do something that makes me so, so angry, like I just can't even get a handle on it. I fly off, I think partly because I feel like he didn't treat me with any respect and I don't feel like I should have to kill myself to treat him decently. That would be all well and good, except that we have kids...

Anyhow... it is the infidelity part that makes me crazy, not so much the not being with him part. Like, it just makes me feel crazy to think that he CHOSE her over me. And that there was a time in our marriage, 3 freaking years, during which he was seeing her behind my back and also, stupidly, in front of my face. (It was an emotional affair, in fact, we've been split for five months and the two of them spend a couple of nights a week together and they have never even kissed :scratchhead: , but he tells me that he's in love with her and has been since before the split.) 

So, now it is very hard for me to not feel like she's more desirable, lovable, better, whatever. He was the person who knew me best in the world and he has pronounced me not good enough and this crazy woman (omg, just think of the kind of woman who'd stay out all night with someone's husband on a regular basis and then string him along this way -- if I didn't want to scratch her eyes out, I'd think it was really kind of impressive how he's wrapped around her finger) is somehow better and more satisfying to him. I know that he's an ass, but I can't help but also feel like he's some kind of expert on whether or not I'm good enough. I don't respect his opinion on almost anything anymore, except for my worth. I know that's backwards.

I feel in a lot of ways that I am better off without him and, actually, pretty lucky to have escaped from a pretty f'd up marriage that I was super committed to. And in some ways I really truly have been happier since he broke my heart than I was for many years before. And then I see him and he does something really f'ing unconscionable (told me recently that she touched his arm -- the most intimate physical contact they've had so far and he hasn't been this happy in 25 years! WTF??? Also, recently said that he wanted me to trade kid nights with him so that she could take him out for his b'day on a night that he knows is a really important sustaining thing for me, am I really supposed to go out of my way to facilitate their relationship??? I never get in the way of their special nights together that are his nights, but I'm not giving up my nights for it! Christ, I've given up an awful lot for their relationship already!!!)

So.... anyhow, how is it that I can be relatively happy and looking forward to a better future and all that and at the same time feel so insanely angry and hurt? I am just full of rage!

And if anyone knows of something I can read or do -- a blog to follow or a book or a 12 step group. I really need to move on from this. 

ETA: I am in individual counseling and have been doing EMDR, too. I need to do some more EMDR. It worked amazingly well for handling him spending nights with her. I did one EMDR session on it, before which I had just felt kicked in the stomach the whole night, unable to sleep, weepy, a mess, and after I actually felt pretty happy to just have the house to myself. (Yes, we are living in the same house. We don't have any money, like at all. He makes a good living but insists that it all go into the kids' school, which is actually pretty darned awesome, but it means that we have shared a car for years and live in a tiny house with furniture from the salvation army, etc. I am working on getting a job but it's tough going since I've been home with the kids for 12 years.  Plus, he seems to think I should be able to get everything done that I always have during the time they're in school and still do the job hunt. Sigh... but hopefully I will get a job and things will feel less messy.)


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You really believe they never had sex?


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

I know, huh? That is crazy. But yes. I may realize I've been an idiot later, but in some sense it doesn't really matter. Whatever it is they're doing is plenty hurtful whether they're having sex or not. And the marriage is over. It wouldn't be more over if I didn't believe him. 

But I do totally believe him. I don't think I have ever, in 25 years, caught him lying to me. In fact, I think there are some areas where he probably should have, or at least kept his mouth shut. I think telling me that he hasn't been this happy in 25 years is one of them. Sigh...

He has serious problems with intimacy and I think he has gone running to this woman bc she has these strange walls up. He doesn't even know for sure if she's ever had sex with anyone, or a relationship. I cannot even imagine being friends w someone for three and a half years and not knowing anything about their romantic life. And they are together. It so backwards and weird. 

But really you should hear him talk about how "on the cusp" of something they are and the evidence of it is that she touched his arm and she said she did have feelings, though she didn't want to say what they were. Good grief! I think they are f'ing perfect for each other, really. And I suppose that should make me feel better but, I feel pretty crappy about it.

ETA: Interestingly, I have actually had a couple of involvements with men since we broke up. I had a FWB thing that went on for a couple of months that was pretty nice and a ONS. I wasn't sure beforehand if being w someone else would be helpful in dealing with his crap but I suspected that it would be at least a little helpful, and I think it was. It made me feel like I'm not totally alone. Right now I'm kind of choosing not to be with anyone, but I don't feel like it's impossible that I could be, like I did when we first split. OTOH, it pisses me off soooooo much to feel like I'm drowning in sh*t because of him and he's off having the best time he's had in 25 years. Wow, does that feel unfair. I always tell my kids that unfair doesn't matter, but OMG is it ever pissing me off right now!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you spoken to this woman?

Does he spends money on her?


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Have you spoken to this woman?
> 
> Does he spends money on her?


I know her and she knows my 11 year old and 5 year old. I haven't seen her since he started staying out all night with her, but I had seen her several times during the three years that he was spending a lot of time with her that I didn't really know about/believed they were just friends. 

She is very adamant that nobody at their work find out. So he has asked me not to talk to certain people about it (like a couple of the parents at my kids school that have connections to his work, including one woman who I hang out with), and especially not her role in it. My fantasy is to bust that open because I know that she would be so horrified by it and he would to, and I wouldn't be surprised if it broke them up. Though, who knows, maybe they would band together over it. I wouldn't be doing it to break them up so much as to just spew my anger, yk? Y'all should probably talk me down. But what a nice fantasy!

I don't know about the money. I haven't really checked. I do know that before we broke up, before I even knew it was a thing, we had our first "date night" in like 11 years and he spent 72 dollars on me, I think (though I could have ordered another drink or whatever, so I guess not like he was limiting it) and then that weekend, next night I think, we had very little money and he spent $130 taking her out. Since then I have made sure not to check as it would just have my blood boiling. He works, I don't. I'm not sure I have any say whatsoever on whether he spends a few hundred dollars on her a month, yk?

ETA: I'm going out dancing now! Woot! And actually going to a place where a guy that works w them hangs out some. lol And I've been told not to talk to him. I said, "well, it's not my place to keep you guys safe as neither of you were much interested in taking care of my feelings." But I do think it will only make things worse if I tell. Or would I feel better????? Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Anywho, hopefully I will have fun and get my brain off the angry angry jag. I don't want to be angry bitter person. I do want to hurt them though. Hmmmmm.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why again didn't you blew their relationship out of the water again?

Tell everyone.

Everyone.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

Well, I want to bc I feel so angry and I want to make them hurt, but I'm not sure that's a great reason to do it. If I knew it would make me feel better, I probably would, but I'm afraid it would make my life worse. As it is we are "amicable." We aren't fighting almost at all about money or kid schedules and that kind of stuff. I feel like if I make him miserable he's just gonna be angry and hateful at me, yk?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do it because everyone has a right to know they have a predator in their midst.

Who cares if he gets upset. Did it ever dawn on you that by not blowing this up sooner you allowed this to happen? Did you actually want to get rid of him?


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

I didn't want to get rid of him, but I don't want him if he doesn't want me. There was a time that I would have been willing to stay w him no matter what for the sake of my kids, but he has hurt me so badly that I don't even think it would be good for them to see me stay w him. We could never be happy together again. I really don't feel any love for him now. That's part of why this anger and bitterness feels so wrong to me. I feel like it's so inconsistent w the rest of my life.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

I'd suggest reading up on the FOG and learning what that's like. You're right - he knew you better than anyone else. And this woman is a challenge to him, and a mystery, and forbidden. 

If you're still wanting to lash out at him - still angry at him, that's ok. Myself, I would simply not go out of my way to talk about him or the breakup with anyone, but if they asked, neither would I lie or hide anything. To do anything else means he's still a central figure in your life, and you aren't done unplugging from him. When you find you don't care if anyone else knows or not - that's the goal.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Are you kidding me, grays? OK. Time for some tough love. 

He has you exactly where he wants you...and you are letting him. THIS is not about him. It is about you. You are not allowing yourself to 1) forgive yourself and 2) move on. Sorry, but the not having money yet sending kids to a posh school is BS. Time to put yourself first so that you can heal.

How do you do this?
1) Ask him to move out
2) Blow up his fantasy. There is no reason you have to be quiet about this.
3) Stop obliging him on his nights (really? wtf?)
4) If he doesn't move out, you start looking for a place.
5) Move the kids to a public school so that there is more cash flow. This is necessary because changes HAVE to be made. Consequences of his actions. Your kids will survive this change. 
6) Start networking heavily and job hunting. You need a job...or at least a plan. There are tons of women out there just like you....and there is a lot of help.

The best way to start healing from infidelity is to take control. You haven't done that. Taking control allows you to forgive yourself for being such a chump and also shows your children what a strong, competent, self respecting woman you are. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.

The anger will start to dissipate and eventually, will be just a blip. You are not enough. Never forget that. Being with someone who doesn't believe that you are enough is a slow road into hell. You just hit the fork in the road, now give it some gas and accelerate down that fork.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

BaxJanson said:


> I'd suggest reading up on the FOG and learning what that's like. You're right - he knew you better than anyone else. And this woman is a challenge to him, and a mystery, and forbidden.
> 
> If you're still wanting to lash out at him - still angry at him, that's ok. Myself, I would simply not go out of my way to talk about him or the breakup with anyone, but if they asked, neither would I lie or hide anything. To do anything else means he's still a central figure in your life, and you aren't done unplugging from him. When you find you don't care if anyone else knows or not - that's the goal.


Thanks for reminding me of the fog thing. I ran across that way back in the beginning and then forgot about it. I googled it last night and read a little bit (gotta say it is driving me crazy how everything is geared towards reconciliation and/or christians) and now I'm wondering how the fog is any different from when anyone is falling in love/experiencing infatuation. Maybe it doesn't matter. Even if it is true love, there is a fog, right? I do think there is some truth in it. And I swear in this situation it is probably ten-fold because of the way she is operating. Seriously it kind of cracks me up how manipulative she is and how he falls for it hook, line, and sinker. In a big way they are super incompatible, but he is totally f'ing enamored. 



Fenix said:


> Are you kidding me, grays? OK. Time for some tough love.
> 
> He has you exactly where he wants you...and you are letting him. THIS is not about him. It is about you. You are not allowing yourself to 1) forgive yourself and 2) move on. Sorry, but the not having money yet sending kids to a posh school is BS. Time to put yourself first so that you can heal.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Fenix!!! I know that you are right. And I need to hear it. I think actually in the last 24 hours or so, I've been feeling a similar attitude. I am thinking more in terms of how to get away from him and have my own life and cut him off. For a long time I wanted to find some way that we could both see/be with the kids all the time. That has actually been a really good thing for all of us the last six months. I can't imagine how much of a sting it would have been to be cut off from my kids half the time, but, and I HATE to even think this, maybe it's time, or near time. 

I feel really guilty because, of course, the overarching reason to live separately is that it's so unhealthy for me to live with him and it's just plain painful and horrible, but somehow when I balance that against not being able to see the kids I feel like the balance leans toward being able to see them, i.e., it will hurt more to be separated from them than it will to have to see him. But just recently I've been having these fantasies of just having my own space to be in, to set up/decorate/put together, have it be really mine and not have any hint of him in it. I could have people over! Can you imagine!!!??? I want a back yard with a table and chairs where I can sit with friends and have dinner and a few drinks and talk all night. And my kids would love that, too. He and I never did that sort of thing together because he has never liked any of my friends and he is so backwards and introverted that he's never had any of his own. Sigh... I do want to really have my own life without him.

I can't imagine taking the kids out of their school, though. I have to do it some other way. They've been in private schools all the way along and I have always wanted them in public schools until this year. But, omg, their current school is so freaking amazing. You wouldn't even believe it. It's like walking into a big hug to drop them off there. The schools they were in before were really hard core academic (and my kids are bright, but are not one iota interested in that stuff, they could keep up but hated it) but this school is super warm and fuzzy and relaxed. They do academics of course, but every thing they do is really thoughtful and cool and fun and they aren't pushy about it. I can see that my 11 year old is already getting a really different attitude, like he likes the place, loves his teacher (every single teacher I've met there has just been awesome!), wants to do well and be part of the community and is caring about his work in a way he never did before. I'd much rather see him do less work but have pride in it and enjoy it. So, anyhow, especially if their home life is in turmoil, I want them to have a warm safe place to spend their days. 

I really need to get a freaking job, that's the bottom line. I haven't worked in something like 12 years and it's just really scary for me to put myself out there. I have hardly started trying, almost not at all. I have to just do it. I think I'll spend my next therapy session talking about this. I am almost incapacitated by fear about it.  And it's a lot of different fears -- how will I parent my children if I'm working? will anyone really want me to work for them? do I have anything to offer to an employer? could I really be good at anything? I feel these fears *really* strongly (and I gotta say they dovetail nicely with how ex seems to feel about me) even though I used to have what was probably the most prestigious job in my field as a death penalty defense attorney. It is funny how when I'm talking to new people I meet (especially men), I go out of my way not to tell them that because I know they couldn't possibly have a career that sounds as exciting/high powered/interesting and then the flip side is that I am sooooo insecure that I cannot even imagine that there's a job out there that I could be good at or where I'd be a valuable asset. I'm a mess! (I'm not going back into law, at least for now, btw, I'm not barred in the state we're in and it's really hard to get barred here, no way I could do it w/o some serious support and I don't have that.)


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## stormydays (May 31, 2013)

Check out chumplady.com. It helped me a lot. She's very smart, straight-forward, funny and on point. 

She also has an e-book out--I haven't read it yet but I bet it's good.

The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On: Tracy Schorn: 9781493554003: Amazon.com: Books


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Another thing is that by staying around and hoping he eventually chooses you sends the message that you're of low value and will be there should his sl$t dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Are you kidding me, grays? OK. Time for some tough love.
> 
> He has you exactly where he wants you...and you are letting him. THIS is not about him. It is about you. You are not allowing yourself to 1) forgive yourself and 2) move on. Sorry, but the not having money yet sending kids to a posh school is BS. Time to put yourself first so that you can heal.
> 
> ...


Fenix,
I'm going to use your advice also. I've even wrote down some quotes on index cards to remind me and not get off the path. We deserve self-respect. Keep strong ladies!


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

stormydays said:


> Check out chumplady.com. It helped me a lot. She's very smart, straight-forward, funny and on point.
> 
> She also has an e-book out--I haven't read it yet but I bet it's good.
> 
> The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity: How to Regain Your Sanity After You've Been Cheated On: Tracy Schorn: 9781493554003: Amazon.com: Books


Thank you! What a breath of fresh air! 



lifeistooshort said:


> Another thing is that by staying around and hoping he eventually chooses you sends the message that you're of low value and will be there should his sl$t dump him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really am not staying around hoping that he chooses me. I mean, I guess I would like it if he chose me at some point (not looking very likely, certainly not holding my breath) so I could tell him to stick it up his a$$. lol He knows that I'm completely not available for any of that. 

All of this started in February after he had stayed out till 4:30 in the morning with her for the sixth time and I had had enough of that. Then he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me any more. He thought there was a good chance that he did want to be with me and, at that point, he was claiming that they were only friends, no feelings that he wanted to be involved with her. For about four months there was this period where I was sooooo heartbroken and wanted so badly for him to want to be with me and choose me and all that and it was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. And then in mid may, I asked him to move into another bedroom and since then it has really been a one way trip out of this marriage. I have not in any of that time, since may, felt that there was any possible going back. If he wanted me back, even if I felt like I wanted him, he has treated me so hideously that I cannot imagine going there. If I wanted to kiss him and he kissed me, how could I ever even feel good about it. Just ewwww, what a horrible heartbreaking thing that would even be. I see no good in it. I just could not go there. We crossed a line so long ago that can not be returned from, yk?

He knows that if things don't work out with her, there is no coming back. In the beginning I think that is exactly what he wanted. He wanted to be able to see where things might go with her and if they were better than with me, by all means he'd go that way, and if he decided he'd rather be with me, he would want to come back. I don't even think he sees how sick and messed up that is, but he knows it's not a possibility.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

grays said:


> I really need to get a freaking job, that's the bottom line. I haven't worked in something like 12 years and it's just really scary for me to put myself out there. I have hardly started trying, almost not at all. I have to just do it. I think I'll spend my next therapy session talking about this. I am almost incapacitated by fear about it.  And it's a lot of different fears -- how will I parent my children if I'm working? will anyone really want me to work for them? do I have anything to offer to an employer? could I really be good at anything? I feel these fears *really* strongly (and I gotta say they dovetail nicely with how ex seems to feel about me) even though I used to have what was probably the most prestigious job in my field as a death penalty defense attorney. It is funny how when I'm talking to new people I meet (especially men), I go out of my way not to tell them that because I know they couldn't possibly have a career that sounds as exciting/high powered/interesting and then the flip side is that I am sooooo insecure that I cannot even imagine that there's a job out there that I could be good at or where I'd be a valuable asset. I'm a mess! (I'm not going back into law, at least for now, btw, I'm not barred in the state we're in and it's really hard to get barred here, no way I could do it w/o some serious support and I don't have that.)


Stop that! You have taken a leave of absence from the workforce but have some bonafide credentials. Check out this site: iRelaunch Return to Work Boot Camp | irelaunch.com There are also a couple of different resources for lawyers who have taken the mom break. Here is an article about that. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/18/b...back-to-work-lawyers.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

First of all, surround yourself with women who want to help and who have been there. There are a ton of us out there. I took 16 years off because the stbx and I were moving consistently for his job (in Europe, so I could not work due to lacking a work permit). I just started a new job last week. It took me a year to find it, mainly due to my own lack of focus.

Start networking, get a LinkedIn profile up and stop listening to anyone who is negative. Think positive. Any time a negative thought comes in (like the above comment about how hard the bar is in your state), redirect your thoughts and tap into your inner core of strength. Look at it as a challenge and opportunity, not a problem and def not an insurmountable obstacle.

And yeah, this is easier if your stbx would just move out. You should be on no contact with him - only contact allowed is that involving kids and finances.




vn1955 said:


> Fenix,
> I'm going to use your advice also. I've even wrote down some quotes on index cards to remind me and not get off the path. We deserve self-respect. Keep strong ladies!


 I learned it the hard way. 25 year marriage to a serial cheater (LCB) who totally gaslighted me. He thought I would stay. *rolleyes* He completely lost track of who I was.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

Thank you for the links and your story, Fenix! It is just so hard for me to wrap my head around all of it right now. I'm gonna go read about boot camp!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

grays said:


> Thank you! What a breath of fresh air!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well then, that's great! I hope he does try so you can tell him to shove it up his a$, don't give up on that as you may still get your chance :smthumbup:


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well then, that's great! I hope he does try so you can tell him to shove it up his a$, don't give up on that as you may still get your chance :smthumbup:


That would be intensely f'ing satisfying! lol


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