# Little lie?



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

So I haven't been on here in a long time, so obviously things are going pretty well in my marriage. There was an incident over the weekend that has me scratching my head. I have called her on it somewhat, but wanted some insight from the people on the board. Here is what happened:

My wife talked to me on Thursday and asked if it would be alright for her to go to dinner and drinks with her cousin on Friday night. We didn't have plans, it obviously sounds like a normal evening out with her cousin, so I said it was fine. Her cousin is having some marital issues of her own, and is kind of going down a similar path my wife did back in the day in regard to seeking out male attention to make herself feel better (must run in the family?). I know she does this because my wife tells me about it and is contemplating sitting her cousin down to tell her she needs to go to counseling with her husband to sort out their issues (they have many). So given her cousin's actions in the past, I am a bit leery of them going out in certain settings. They went out about 6 months ago to a concert at a smaller venue and her cousin was talking to a member of the band between sets. After the concert, her cousin wanted her and my wife to go backstage to hang out with the band. My wife knew it was not an appropriate situation and said no. Her cousin pressed my wife and questioned what the big deal was, but my wife insisted that she would not do that to me, that she would feel guilty if she did and did not tell me, and knew that if she did and she told me, that I would be upset with her. So obviously the cousin is not the greatest influence on her.

So they have gone out in the past to certain bars that are known locally as pick-up joints. Her cousin goes out of her way to garner male attention and fully embraces it. Well generally men aren't alone, and friends will follow and then eventually put my wife into situations where men are hitting on her, etc. So I have expressed my displeasure for this bar in particular, and have made it clear that I am not comfortable with her going there, particularly with her cousin. They will generally meet for dinner and drinks at a couple of different restaurants about once a month or so, which to me is just fine. 

So I told her it was fine to meet her cousin for dinner and drinks after work on Friday, and she sent me an email on Friday morning while I was at work, reminding me she was going out and told me she was going to the main restaurant they generally go to. I headed home and had a quiet evening at home. My wife got home around 10:30, which struck me as late, but in honesty, I've been out until a similar time with my friends having a few extra drinks after dinner.

Well yesterday, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked through her phone. Her texts back and forth with her cousin were in it, and I read one that said they were going to meet at the newly opened, 2nd location of the pick-up joint that we specifically had a discussion about me not liking her to go to with her cousin. So I now knew that she did not go where she had initially told me she was going. I didn't look further at this point, but did notice a to-go box in the fridge, so I asked her if she ate her usual menu item at the restaurant they usually go to. She openly told me that she went to the new location of the pick-up joint, that they wanted to check it out and see what it was like. I didn't press the issue for whatever reason, because she so openly admitted that they had gone there. 

Well yesterday, I looked through her phone again to see if there were any additional texts detailing their plans for that night. Well as I am looking, the initial text was from her cousin asking if she could go out on Friday. My wife then responded (after talking to me) that she was in. The cousin then said she really wanted to go out for drinks and dancing, and suggested either the pick-up joint or another pick-up joint. My wife then wrote back and suggested the new location of the pick-up joint. The cousin agreed to go there and my wife said she meet her there at 7 on Friday. All of these texts were sent on Thursday the 4th during the afternoon. So as of Thursday afternoon, this was the plan, that they were going to the new location of the pick-up joint. The email my wife sent me telling me she was going out to their usual restaurant was sent on Friday morning the 5th. So she openly lied about where she was going. This is what bothers me. Obviously.

So today, I replied to her email from Friday morning where she told me she was going to their usual spot, and told her I was bothered by the change in venue, that she knew I didn't like her going there, and at what point was it decided to go to the pick-up joint? She replied that it was a last minute decision, that her cousin wanted to check out the new patio at the place (Lie #2). She said she was inconsiderate and should have thought about my not wanting her to go there and should have told her cousin they were going to stick with the original destination (Lie #3, it was her idea to go to the pick-up joint). She basically apologized up and down for not taking my feelings into consideration, and she agreed that her cousin is a bad influence and that even though they were at the pick-up joint, that she felt that they would be out of there early enough to avoid the guys hitting on them. She said she was later getting home because she and her cousin talked in the parking lot for 45 minutes before they finally left. 

I told her I did not appreciate her going to a spot regardless that she knew made me feel uncomfortable. That I do not trust her cousin to not put her into a situation she should not be in, and that I would hope in the future that she would take my feelings into consideration. I have not told her I know she is lying, as I don't want to put it out there that I looked through her phone. I guess I don't know why she even came out and admitted that she went there in the first place so openly if she was going to lie about whose idea it was to go there. The fact that she brazenly lied about where she was going on Friday morning, to me says she absolutely knew she shouldn't be going there, and that she is now lying to cover up that this was the planned destination all along makes it even worse.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

SadLovingHusband said:


> So I haven't been on here in a long time, so obviously things are going pretty well in my marriage. There was an incident over the weekend that has me scratching my head. I have called her on it somewhat, but wanted some insight from the people on the board. Here is what happened:
> 
> My wife talked to me on Thursday and asked if it would be alright for her to go to dinner and drinks with her cousin on Friday night. We didn't have plans, it obviously sounds like a normal evening out with her cousin, so I said it was fine. Her cousin is having some marital issues of her own, and is kind of going down a similar path my wife did back in the day in regard to seeking out male attention to make herself feel better (must run in the family?). I know she does this because my wife tells me about it and is contemplating sitting her cousin down to tell her she needs to go to counseling with her husband to sort out their issues (they have many). So given her cousin's actions in the past, I am a bit leery of them going out in certain settings. They went out about 6 months ago to a concert at a smaller venue and her cousin was talking to a member of the band between sets. After the concert, her cousin wanted her and my wife to go backstage to hang out with the band. My wife knew it was not an appropriate situation and said no. Her cousin pressed my wife and questioned what the big deal was, but my wife insisted that she would not do that to me, that she would feel guilty if she did and did not tell me, and knew that if she did and she told me, that I would be upset with her. So obviously the cousin is not the greatest influence on her.
> 
> ...


Call her out on the lies ASAP. What are you waiting for?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

She is going to keep pushing the boundaries until she cheats again. 

You draw a line in the sand, she steps over....

You back up and draw a second line in the sand, she steps over...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hang on! She suggests the pick up joint and she blames her cousin for being the bad influence?:scratchhead:

Maybe she doesn't deserve the option to go out with the cousin?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I would not confront yet. I would keep playing dumb and monitor.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I went back to read your previous thread to have a little more depth about your situation.

After what you went through your wife is pulling this S**T? Agree, call her out. Whatever trust you have built with her is now a smoldering ruin.

You need to set the law, she now thinks you are going to allow her to continue on this path again.

Ever see someone who is overweight lose the weight and then start cheating on their diet again. They slowly begin to gain the weight back and then all of a sudden bam they have put it all back on and then some. Your wife is starting to munch again and is on the path to causing you and your family pain.

History will repeat itself unless we learn our lessons. You may have said you will "D" her if it happens again but why do you want to go through the torture again without making her make the decision in front of you prior to it occurring, if it is prior.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Given her history, I don't know why you let her go anywhere socially without you ... EVER! Makes no sense to me what so ever, seriously. 

I hate to be rough on you but you are as guilty for this as she is for allowing to go in the first place. I mean that's just dumb. You know full well she can't help but lie and be a sneak because she is a cheater .... and that is what they do. You gave her a gift by staying with her and she lied to you again. 

When are you going to get tough. No more going anywhere socially without you. I got to read the rest of your history, but it's clear to me that she has to "pay" for this transgression someway or this is going to happen to you again, maybe with far worse consequences. Have you been able to verify that there was no monkey business going on on Friday Night?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: First, take a photo of each message before she deletes them. Second, based on her past history, confront now and establish full transpancy rules and set a boundary of no going to bars or concerts with the cousin ever again, no ifs, ands, or buts.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You don't have to tell her how you know that she is lying to you, just tell her that you know. Give her the opportunity to be honest and tell her you won't tolerate dishonesty. Tell her that you won't tolerate her hanging out at 'pick-up joints' (WTH?).

It's her choice to lie and cheat. It's your choice to live with it or not. What are you afraid of? Be direct and clear about your boundaries. Be strong.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Unbelievable. Your wife based on her past and this again confirms she is a liar and apparently is very good at manipulating you. If the roles were reversed after you had previously cheated on her and it was you who suggested going to a nice pick up place how would she be feeling?

You are one of the nice guys who continually will be cheated on because many women see this as a form of weakness that can be manipulated to their advantage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your wife continues to show you that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

SadLovingHusband said:


> She basically apologized up and down for not taking my feelings into consideration, and she agreed that her cousin is a bad influence and that even though they were at the pick-up joint, that she felt that they would be out of there early enough to avoid the guys hitting on them.



Your wife said her cousin is the bad influence, yet it was your wife who picked the location. 

She went to a pick up joint and is trying to convince you she left too early to be picked up. Wait, do they ring a bell at a particular hour and announce open season?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SadLovingHusband said:


> She isn't initiating at all, not 2-3 times per week. When we do have sex, it's because I push the issue. I can understand that those that don't have it at all or 2-3 times per year, would take what I am having a run, but for me I'd like for her to actually be the one to initiate. To feel like she desires me and isn't just going along for the ride (no pun intended).


That is from August 2012. 

She doesn't love you. She seeks attention from other men but doesn't want sex with you. After all that happened, she wants to go to the new meat market. And you don't know what she's done on all of those other nights out with the toxic cousin.

It may be a little lie, but it portends great problems. 

Wait for her next night out with toxic cousin. Have her followed by a PI. It will be an education. I can guarantee they will meet and party with men.

Guarantee.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Unbelievable. Your wife based on her past and this again confirms she is a liar and apparently is very good at manipulating you. If the roles were reversed after you had previously cheated on her and it was you who suggested going to a nice pick up place how would she be feeling?
> 
> You are one of the nice guys who continually will be cheated on because many women see this as a form of weakness that can be manipulated to their advantage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Your wife continues to show you that she has very little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


Is this the type of woman he should be trying to be with in the first place?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Your wife said her cousin is the bad influence, yet it was your wife who picked the location.
> 
> She went to a pick up joint and is trying to convince you she left too early to be picked up. Wait, do they ring a bell at a particular hour and announce open season?


Dude!!!! Your wife IS the bad influence....not the cousin!!! Also, you don't actually believe that they talk in the parking lot for 45 minutes....do you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear SadLovingHusband,

What you describe as a "little lie" is actually a series of continuing lies and deceptions. But you have an even bigger problem, your WW is now actively seeking out pick-up places to go and hang out in.

I've read all of your threads. You are the classic milk-toast kind of guy who puts up with lies and cheating. You complain to TAM about what she does but don't have the b*lls to call her out on it. Until you give your WW some hard and fast rules of behavior, she will continue to press the envelope until she cheats again (if she hasn't already).

For a change, do something about this rather than simply gripe about it to a bunch of strangers.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

SadLovingHusband said:


> *I have not told her I know she is lying, as I don't want to put it out there that I looked through her phone. * I guess I don't know why she even came out and admitted that she went there in the first place so openly if she was going to lie about whose idea it was to go there. The fact that she brazenly lied about where she was going on Friday morning, to me says she absolutely knew she shouldn't be going there, and that she is now lying to cover up that this was the planned destination all along makes it even worse.


She's brazenly lying to you after putting you through the ringer, and you're worried she'll be mad you looked at her phone? Get a hold of yourself, tell her you know all about her lie. That is called communication, and it's important in a marriage.

Also tell her that any trust you had now has gone back down to zero, tell her that's it for girls nights out, next time she wants to talk to her toxic cousin she can talk to her over brunch on a Sunday morning.

By the way, your wife is toxic, too. She suggested the pick-up joint because she likes pick-up joints.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

She is well on her way back to cheating.

I used to smoke. Dumbest thing I ever did and it was for the dumbest reason. It was a long time ago and it is what it is. It took me many attempts before I could finally quit. I would quit and get past the nicotine withdrawal and then forget about how easy it was to get sucked back into it. Oftentimes it was either because I was with a friend who smoked or I was having a drink after work with some of my colleagues. What's one little cigarette with a beer? I'm not hooked anymore, nothing bad could happen ... right? One cigarette became two ... and then three ... and I would wake up the next morning with a pack I just bought in my pocket. Can't waste a pack right? 

There is no reason for her to go to a known pick-up joint. It isn't as if it has better drinks or better food than any other place. She likes that atmosphere and she is getting sucked back into it ... to the point that she is lying to you. She is hooked on it just as I was hooked on cigarettes. She is going to continue to test boundaries. The claim that her friend is the bad influence might have some truth to it but I would bet based on these lies that she is at least as guilty. What do you think they are talking about over drinks while other guys are looking at them?

I really question if she has changed.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I would "catch her" there then lay down the law.

DONT give up the texts. Too valuable intel.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

My impression is that this has "Wet her Whistle", so to speak , to her cheating "High"!! All those memories are rushing back thru her brain and now putting the horses back into the barn will be that much harder!!! 

Bottom-line even after all that happened and how it hurt you, given a chance for that "High" again she grabbed it with both hands!!! 

WW is for Waywards.....FWW is for Former Waywards but how do you label those in between? Maybe WLIW for Wayward Lying In Wait???:scratchhead:


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LanieB said:


> She admitted this part openly because good liars know that you should insert as much truth into the lie as possible to make it believable. .


Machiavelli himself never said anything more true.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Considering all the lies there's a high chance she cheated already. Why would she mention she was in a parking lot for 45 minutes, talking? Sounds like a fib that could be partially true; she was in a parking lot but not talking, instead she was legs up in the back seat of a car.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

SLH,

You cant's force her to do what you want her to. You however CAN put you foot down and tell her what you WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE.

Let her plan another night out with here cousin. Find out where she's
actually going that night. Show up there with divorce papers printed out and marked off where she needs to sign them.

Walk up to her in the "meat market". Tell her you will no longer be married to a liar. Hand her the D papers. Tell her if she is not home 30 minutes after you leave, she needs to read and sign the papers.

Yeah, I know. The D papers aren't ready to be filed, but if she signs them, you'll have your answer.

My guess is she will come home soon after you. Why..., because she doesn't want to loose your paycheck, or some other material thing that you provide.

You've been a doormat and she's use to that. She jumps through a few hoops to get you to stay, but will drift right back to where she is now... Where she was the last time... Or the time before that.

You keep scrapping the guardrails because you have such a loose grip on the steering wheel. You need to get a tighter control on where YOU are headed. And if she doesn't want to head to the same destination as you - Pull over and let her out.

You ain't gonna nice her into doing the right things. So don't even try.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

There is more in the story (and the lies) that you dont know!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are being mr nice--guy, here

I don't know how you handled her 1st A, as to what boundaries/consequences you placed on her---but she is on her 2nd chance---and she should be on a pretty short leash

You really need nothing more than the LIES, to jump on her with both feet.

Why is she being allowed to go out with her cousin AT ALL---her cousin, who wants to go to meat markets----and you are allowing this to happen----just out of curiosity---do you enjoy beating yourself up----do you enjoy wondering/worrying about what she is doing

Do you know the definition of mge----I don't know anywhere in that definition, where it allows one of the spouses to go out to meat markets---UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES------nor to LIE, when she is already on a 2nd chance

She told you where she was---cuz she knew she was in trouble, yet you let it go----AT THIS POINT IT IS THE LIES, as I said before---YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE

You will do what you want, but as some one already stated---you cannot control her, you can only deal for yourself----she is a cheating spouse on a 2nd chance---AND SHE SURE AS F, SHOULD BE DOING EVERYTHING A SELFLESS WIFE WOULD DO---

What does she do---she SELFISHLY---lies, and goes out to meat markets with her cousin-do you intend to do anything about anything---or are you just gonna allow it to keep happening---if you are gonna do nothing---just out of curiosity---why are here????---you certainly don't need advice from any of us---

You state you tell her, you object to what she is doing----don't you get it---YOU DON'T JUST OBJECT---YOU TELL HER YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR---GO FIND AN ATTY., CUZ THIS MGE IS FINISHED----it is that kind of statement that has to come out of your mouth---not just little objections---WHICH TO HER OBVIOUSLY MEAN NOTHING!!!!!--

-just keep on watching your wife---go out there, and get hit on---it doesn't seem to REALLY bother you, for if did----IT WOULD NOT BE HAPPENING


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I doubt this crap will ever end if you stay with this woman. You certainly won't be able to trust her, ever. You have to question every thing she says/does for the rest of your life because you KNOW she's a liar. 

I don't know why you would keep trying to make it work with her. Having to spy on her forever is no way to live....I would call her out on her lies by handing her copies of the texts and divorce/separation papers. I couldn't live like that, and really wouldn't want to...she can't be trusted.

If you really wanted to make it work with her, why would be letting her hang out with toxic people in toxic places....more so, if she really gave a chit about you, why would she be doing that, going out with her toxic cousin to pick-up bars, lying about stuff....she hasn't changed.

Like, what are your boundaries? You put up with this why?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you want the true story fast. 

VARs

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K or higher and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got it from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

45 minutes in the parking lot talking....I am sure they were talking about current events. What is wrong with this picture?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, your wife's cousin is not putting your wife in a bad position where she is being hit on. Your wife is doing that to herself, and is a willing participant.

Dude, why the heck would you let her go out for GNO with another woman that you know is on the prowl. That does not make any sense at all.

I'm sure she was just chatting in the porking lot, I mean parking lot...

You need to decide if you need more information. If yes, use a VAR like WL suggests. Sorry to say, this is not a little lie. It is complete and deliberate deception with bits of truth mixed in to make her seem reformed.

I'm afraid that your R is not going anywhere near as well as you think.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You already know everything you need to know.

-- Your wife will cheat on you if the circumstances are right.
-- Your wife wants to go to pick up joints for drinks and dancing (she enjoys this).
-- Your wife's cousin would easily cheat on her own husband and would think have no qualms about your wife cheating on you

On top of this how you operate with your wife is not ideal.. Your wife calls and asks permission to go out with her cousin. She is "allowed" by you to do certain things and "forbidden" to do other things. You then snoop on her texts and find a lie and go into a discussion mode with her....

What you have to do is tell your wife what you believe:

-- Married women should not go out clubbing / dancing / drinking / getting hit on
-- Her cousin is a bad influence on her, and she risks her own marriage to you by having a relationship with her, since it seems that cousin easily leads you into doing things that harm marriages
-- Tell her you are not the warden and she is not the prisoner. She can operate her life any way she wants. She can be a good wife or a bad wife. She can act married or she can act single. She can do things that help the marriage or do things that harm her marriage. The choice is hers.

Then, you make your choices as a husband based on how she operates as a wife.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are hoping that there were internal changes since the last time? You could then depend in her good judgement and character but it seems you can't. You will have to exert firm external limits and watch her carefully. Sounds like your wife has learned nothing from her cheating. 

If she had, there would be no way that she would be putting you through this now. You will have to monitor her and stay on her until she gets it, if ever. The tendency towards deception and selfishness may be part of her nature. She has to improve her character to have any chance to be faithful. 

This is probably the time that you may want to review your relationship. If she wants to cheat, she will find a way. Probably when you stop watching, 1 yr, 2 or 10 yrs from now? Do you want to live like this? I would say that you should make her ability to make the necessary internal changes as requirement for continuing the marriage. This is the only way you will be able to have a reasonable chance of not dealing with a cheating wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP, you made a mistake by not setting a reasonable boundary for her. I would dare say most husbands wouldn't put up with this type of GNO even without prior cheating. But to allow it after she cheated? Are you kidding me?

As I see it, you now have two options:

1) Call her out on her lies, and lay down the law on GNO's. There will be NONE. From now on. Toxic cousin included.

2) Use these GNO's as an opportunity to covertly monitor her as has been suggested. You'll either catch her or you won't. If not, after a few weeks, then you can let her know they have to stop.

If it were me, since you've already let the cat out of the bag; I'd go with option 2.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She does not respect you. She planned this. Sit down with her and set some boundaries.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How much sh*t are you really gonna stand for from this woman

It seems we are at the 7 yr itch again---AREN'T WE

what was it----2005 she had A's with 2 men---and went so far as to have her plans fall thru with lover #1, so she went to a bar found lover #2, and spread her legs for him---then hid it---then again in 2009, she started to hook up again, admitting to lip-locking----how much crap do you need thrown in your face

She wants to go out with a cousin, and you better believe she is using this cousin, to set up her own going to meat markets, otherwise she would tell the cousin, dinner and a movie---but not your wife----SHE WANTS TO HUNT FOR MEN

Once again---WHY ARE YOU HERE------she has already ripped apart your soul, and destroyed you, your kid is living in a home, that is filled with WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT

Do you F'ing know what a mge IS---really do understand what mge is spose to be about----part of it is not where one of the spouses, has A's and goes on GNO's in MEAT MARKETS, and CONTINUALLY LIES----and you do NOTHING----oh excuse me, you protest a little bit-------once again why are you here-----------what do you expect from us----YOU HAVE KNOWN THE ANSWER TO YOUR SITUATION AS FAR BACK AS 2011, and here we are again---with you doing NOTHING ABOUT IT


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

:iagree:

jnj_express hits it deep... way back.. gone, home run.

/thread


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I think your wife is going out excessively for a married woman. 

Lying just adds to all of this. One little white lie leads to another and often bigger lies. Personally I don't see this a a little white lie, more of a big betrayal lie.

I just read two posts up and none other. If your wife had two previous affairs, she's a serial cheater and I bet she is still cheating when going out with her cousin. :/


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> ....Sounds like your wife has learned nothing from her cheating. ....


Not really...she did learn that she can get away with it, without any real consequences. That she learned.

She also learned that he will continue to put up with whatever she dishes out. She learned that all she has to do is say "tough, I'm not going to change", and hubby won't leave her. She learned that he doesn't expect to be treated with respect, so no point in respecting what he wants out of a relationship. No doubt she has learned that as long as she can call him controlling or jealous, he will bow down and accept her having "friendships" with other men.

She learned that without consequences, there are still no real boundaries, so she can easily find ways to seek out male attention. She learned that she can just blame it on the cousin or someone else's toxic behavior. She has learned new ways to get out of the house and act like a single tramp all over again.

She learned that she doesn't even have to cover her tracks too well...why even delete texts? She learned that even if hubby is reading the texts (which he is), he won't even call her out on her lies.

She's learned a lot.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Prepare for Round 2. 

Knock out is just a few minutes away.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> SLH,
> 
> You cant's force her to do what you want her to. You however CAN put you foot down and tell her what you WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE.
> 
> ...


Great advice except for the part in bold. Why give her 30 minutes? Why give her anything? She is going to pick-up joints and lying to you about it. The is unaccounted for time. Why would you believe anything that comes out of her mouth that you cannot independently verify?

She lost her chance, so go forward with divorce. You can always stop it if she convinces you she means it. But right now her actions speak loudly. Listen to them and give her what she wants.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

If I caught someone who cheated on me in a lie, ANY lie, ESPECIALLY one like this that would have to be it. No sitting down, no talking, no more chances, no more boundaries. Nope. Done is done, final is final. 

Whether it's one year later or 5 years later. Break the deal of reconciliation and it's over.

She knew lying was off limits. Therefore she broke a boundary, willfully, knowingly and without any extenuating circumstances. Because your boundaries should be firm, then there is only one possible resolution: Divorce. 

Is cheating NOT enough of a reminder to NEVER engage in lies and dishonesty again? Apparently not. 
I'm one of the biggest recovering nice guys around and i'm telling you man, enough is enough.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tulsy said:


> Not really...she did learn that she can get away with it, without any real consequences. That she learned.
> 
> She also learned that he will continue to put up with whatever she dishes out. She learned that all she has to do is say "tough, I'm not going to change", and hubby won't leave her. She learned that he doesn't expect to be treated with respect, so no point in respecting what he wants out of a relationship. No doubt she has learned that as long as she can call him controlling or jealous, he will bow down and accept her having "friendships" with other men.
> 
> ...


Word
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

christ - Ive just read a few of your earlier threads

I used to be you. You are being, have been, taken to the cleaners my friend.

Once serial cheaters get 'forgiveness' the green light never goes out.

It will never stop - never. Just that the ability to find out about it will get harder as they get better at concealing.

You waking up one morning with a thunderbolt in your head is about to start soon

...then suddenly you will realise it's all been a complete lie from start to finish

Good luck- you'll need it


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I didn't realize she cheated on him several times prior to this latest incidence of lying about where she was going.

That was the clincher for me.

Kick her to the curb and don't take no for an answer. You've wasted too many valuable years on this woman who has no respect for you.

Life is short.. ya know?


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

OP: Sounds like you need to keep a close eye on her. Good on you for checking the texts. My wife constantly deletes hers, which alone makes me suspicious.

Dang, another story that makes me feel like giving up on the idea of marriage all together. I don't know how the regulars in this forum that are on here keep an objective mind in trusting their own spouse. Can't people just be happy to have a good spouse and not constantly act like a spoiled child, always testing boundaries, etc.? It just never ends with so many people.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, just went back to your original thread from two years ago that details several other men and GNO behavior - lying, cheating.

What is noticeable is that your tone was much stronger then. You were rightfully outraged and questioned whether you could consider staying with her.

I think you're like the frog in the slowly heating water now. You're almost inured to the shock and hurt.

Your WW sounds like a serial cheater. She is without a doubt a liar at the moment. This is really a choice for you to make for the quality of your life as you move forward.

She's really beaten you down. I'm sorry for that. No one should have to 'get used to' that type of marriage.

I would tell her she's used up her last chance. If you don't take decisive action, this will never stop, in my opinion.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

stuck in los angeles said:


> Dang, another story that makes me feel like giving up on the idea of marriage all together. I don't know how the regulars in this forum that are on here keep an objective mind in trusting their own spouse.


A loyal wife don't bar hop, GNO in dance halls, strip joints, honky tonks, texting other guys, etc. There are a lot of loyal wives. Others act like they are doing suspicious stuff because they are doing suspicious stuff. Moreover, why does anybody waste their life bird-dogging their spouse. If you've got to play watchdog all the time to keep them from bedding another guy, what's the use.
Trade them in for a more reliable model. The ole boy that started this thread ain't gonna be able to "de-wild" his gal. She already breaking in a new routine to keep him awake worrying at night.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I, too, just went back to your original thread from two years ago that details several other men and GNO behavior - lying, cheating.
> 
> What is noticeable is that your tone was much stronger then. You were rightfully outraged and questioned whether you could consider staying with her.
> 
> ...


When your that frog in the slowly boiling water, you are mentally damaged. There is quite a bit of life that you are being cheated out of due to virtue of the situation.

The lies have gone on for so long and are strong enough, that your entire reality is twisted.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

SadLovingHusband hasn't logged in for a few days, but I'm willing to bet that he's reading the posts anonymously.

If so, are you really that much of a beta? Your wife has had sex with multiple OM's and you take her back time and time again.

If you're not going to make a stand for your self, I suggest that you have her shower REAL GOOD when she comes home from now on.

If you plan on having sex with her that is. Because I can almost guaranty you that she's not making anyone use a condom.

And what ever you do, don't kiss her on the mouth anymore... Jeez, what a way to live.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Many of you are right, as am I, but that's now 10 years too late

To be sympathetic with op and having been in exactly this position you just can't see the wood for the trees 

a / how can somebody you love so deeply, so all encompassingly seemingly want to destroy you and the world you both enjoy? - it all seems completely illogical

b/ the good times with a person like this are annoyingly just that - very good and she knows that that is exactly what he, the victim is forever chasing - a glimpse of how brilliant it is when the sad truth is that he has help set up, and enabled a life where she has it all - a great life with him but fun and exciting games on the outside and she very cleverly manipulatively keeps reeling him back in 

This *is* the betrayed spouse fog 

This is the epitome of the cake eater and once, like a drug, they get a taste for it they will never let it go - ever

The truth of course is that she is living the lie, therefor whatever you felt your marriage was is is another huge deception 
The truth of course is that she has not an ounce of respect for you 
she does not love you in a way that you perceive love to be or should be

Sorry but it's all bad my friend - there is no way out of it in a reconciliation sense when it gets to this distance down the line

You, like I was, are a huge sponge! actually a good analogy - it's where the cheating lying scumbags can just drop all their **** into you and leave it there festering away whilst they just carry having a great time 

at your expense 

Serial adultery is the ultimate emotional betrayal - whilst they've got their 'love' tied right into the center of your heart they will slowly dismantle you and your world piece by piece with a razor cut every time until there is with nothing left of you *or* you wake up one morning with the biggest pair of balls you never knew you could have and on that day everything changes forever 

Oh and I forgot to add ..........it would of course have all been "your fault"!!!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

tulsy said:


> Not really...she did learn that she can get away with it, without any real consequences. That she learned.
> 
> ......
> 
> She learned that without consequences, there are still no real boundaries,


This is what it's all about.

I noticed the OP has not returned. Wonder why


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> A loyal wife don't bar hop, GNO in dance halls, strip joints, honky tonks, texting other guys, etc. There are a lot of loyal wives. Others act like they are doing suspicious stuff because they are doing suspicious stuff. Moreover, why does anybody waste their life bird-dogging their spouse. If you've got to play watchdog all the time to keep them from bedding another guy, what's the use.
> Trade them in for a more reliable model. The ole boy that started this thread ain't gonna be able to "de-wild" his gal. She already breaking in a new routine to keep him awake worrying at night.


Yup,

On the "de-wilding" bit, he can only wait it out... And by being there providing support, he's giving it the means to last much longer. You remove yourself from the equation.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Why is she being allowed to go out with her cousin AT ALL---her cousin, who wants to go to meat markets----and you are allowing this to happen----just out of curiosity---do you enjoy beating yourself up----do you enjoy wondering/worrying about what she is doing


I'll answer that last question for him: No, he does not enjoy wondering/worrying about what she is doing. As a matter of fact, he hates it and it eats at his insides every time she is out. But he still lets her go. I let my wife go.

It's 1:30 AM. He doesn't really know where she is (she doesn't _really_ tell him). He knows the evening out will result in her making friendships, however short term, with men he will never hear about. But how much is she partying with them? Are they dancing together? Little drunken kisses on the dance floor? Full fledged making out in a back booth?

But he let her go. I let my wife go. I can't answer why we let it happen. But we did. I still don't understand it. My wife's wingwoman's husband let his wife go a LOT (I'd like to talk to him about what went on in HIS mind while she was out). 

This Saturday night, there will be thousands of husbands at home babysitting the kids while their wife's prowl meat markets until the wee hours of the morning. They will all let it go on as well.

Slight hijack. But I want everyone to know that men are conditioned to not have a problem with their SO's clubbing. If you call them on it, you're controlling. Wive's don't have to be unhappy in their marriage to want to go party with some cute guys every now and then. It's fun. But it's also infidelity. I once heard it described as "legitimized infidelity". They're just dancing in a man free bubble. That doesn't mean they have to be rude to the guys that just want to talk to them. And it's normal to dance with men...

But she's not even happy in her marriage, so the sky is the limit.

I do NOT want to hear from the clubbers who's nights are totally innocent. You act one way. My wife and this guys wife acted TOTALLY different towards us than you did with your husbands. I can guarantee it. Rule of thumb: if your wife lies about it, it's probably not good.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

MrK said:


> I'll answer that last question for him: No, he does not enjoy wondering/worrying about what she is doing. As a matter of fact, he hates it and it eats at his insides every time she is out. But he still lets her go. I let my wife go.
> 
> It's 1:30 AM. He doesn't really know where she is (she doesn't _really_ tell him). He knows the evening out will result in her making friendships, however short term, with men he will never hear about. But how much is she partying with them? Are they dancing together? Little drunken kisses on the dance floor? Full fledged making out in a back booth?


When you went through this phase in a previous life, like many of us do... What were you doing? Did you always have to go with single friends? Did you occasionally partake in some of the activities that go on in the environments? Where you oogling at opposite sex people you thought were hot?



MrK said:


> But he let her go. I let my wife go. I can't answer why we let it happen. But we did. I still don't understand it. My wife's wingwoman's husband let his wife go a LOT (I'd like to talk to him about what went on in HIS mind while she was out).
> 
> This Saturday night, there will be thousands of husbands at home babysitting the kids while their wife's prowl meat markets until the wee hours of the morning. They will all let it go on as well.


Are they really "prowling", or are they having fun? Do we have to be literally gagged and cuckholded by the situation? Why not find an outside baby sitter and go with her?



MrK said:


> Slight hijack. But I want everyone to know that men are conditioned to not have a problem with their SO's clubbing. If you call them on it, you're controlling. Wive's don't have to be unhappy in their marriage to want to go party with some cute guys every now and then. It's fun. But it's also infidelity. I once heard it described as "legitimized infidelity". They're just dancing in a man free bubble. That doesn't mean they have to be rude to the guys that just want to talk to them. And it's normal to dance with men...


In many cultures and for many 1000's of years, this last statement is true. It is somewhat normal to dance with men, even not husband. There is a respectful way it is done. The problem is, many men do not understand this, but even greater is that people do not enforce this bounday.



MrK said:


> But she's not even happy in her marriage, so the sky is the limit.
> 
> I do NOT want to hear from the clubbers who's nights are totally innocent. You act one way. My wife and this guys wife acted TOTALLY different towards us than you did with your husbands. I can guarantee it. Rule of thumb: if your wife lies about it, it's probably not good.


Right... And how the small lie snowballs to a huge one.

Once they don't care, the sky is the limit?


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