# Don't Know What to Do



## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Married for 16 years, separated for 6 months. I fought long and hard for my marriage. 2 1/2 years while my husband stayed an emotional zombie. Counseling, books, talking, the 180. Nothing woke him up. He was just there.

The pain I felt during this time was huge. I asked him to work on the marriage or leave. He refused to do either. After years of his indecision I asked him to leave so I could get on with my life and get to a healthy place. After a month of me asking him to leave he finally did. We have 2 teenage children. I had hoped that loosing his family the way it was would wake him up. It didn't.

I was heartbroken. I felt like I just wasn't worth it for him. After years of trying to love somebody who doesn't love you back, I was broken. No self esteem left. When he was gone I started working on my self and my own happiness. Had to for my children. After about 4 months of absolute misery I just stopped crying. I stopped caring whether he called or came to see the kids. Whether he talked to me. While I know I'll always love him I gave up the need to be with him. After about a month of feeling that way I met somebody else.

I've seen this person about 5 times. My husband found out by me. He asked me where I was going one night while he was with the kids and I don't lie to him. Now suddenly my husband says he woke up. He's always loved me. He wants to work on our marriage.

I feel like he just wants me because someone else does. The other man really isn't a factor in deciding for me. I enjoy his company can talk to him and laugh with him. Maybe at another time I'd be able to fall in love with him but right now I don't have any to give. That's the problem. I don't know if I have any to give my husband either. I have nothing left to give him.

Months ago I would have been thrilled my husband wanted to work on the marriage. Now I'm kind of angry. Why would it take another man to wake him up? Read my past posts and you'll see how desperate I once was. Do I really want to hand him my heart again?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Good for you for kicking him out! Indifference is such a brutal thing to experience when you love someone. IMO, I think you should shut that door and move on. He took too much from you and you risk too much to give him another chance.


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

Wow, you really have been through a lot and I feel very sorry for all your trials and struggles. I am a man and I would say that as far as I know men, if you are in a healthy relationship with a man, they make you feel special while you are in the relationship with them not just when they are afraid you are going to leave. I am sorry but he sounds like a child who ignored a toy until the moment that another child picked it up and started to play with it. At which point he began to rant and rave that it was "his toy." I am sorry, I don't think this is enough and in fact is really just more evidence that he has not grown. Has he gone to marital counseling with you? Has he worked on communication skills with you? Have you seen a therapist of your own? I fully respect marriage, but I also know life only moves in one direction and we will never get these years back to live over. What would you advise a girlfriend to do if she was in a relationship with someone like your husband? We often have the healthy advice for our friends, but the crazy irrational advice for ourselves. I don't know if people wake up, because what that really means is a personality change and how does that happen without hard work in therapy? The other questions I would ask is did your marriage slowly fail from from great to poor or did it rapidly settle to a point where you were unhappy once you were wed. If things changed slowly, I would have more hope. What is your goal at this point? It sounds like you want your husband to be someone he is not in order to love him. That is not a realistic goal for him or you. You have to make your decisions based on his "average" behavior, not his intermittent acting out when threatened. Again, the books I have read suggest that 9 months of active marital counseling is enough to decide to stay or go. I have no idea if that has happened or not, but I think that is the only question left for me. As an aside, you may want to tell any new guy that you date that you are emotionally unavailable for any relationship and certainly not available for a physical relationship. It's not fair to lead anyone on even if you are in a tough place. I really hope you reach a decision that you can hold fast to and move forward in a direction that moves you closer to health.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> I feel like he just wants me because someone else does.


Unfortunately, that's extremely common and basic human psychology. We want what we can't have and take for granted what we don't have to work for.

My advice is agree to remain single for at least the next 2 years. Go out once in a while with someone if you want to, but make NO commitments to anyone, INCLUDING your husband, for 2 years. If he is still in the picture, still waking up, still fighting to get you back at the end of 2 years, then you'll know he's sincere. 

And no matter what, do NOT get serious with any other man in that time. You aren't ready for it, it will just be a rebound, you won't have done the mental work necessary to be a good partner to anyone. "They" say not to date again after leaving a marriage for about one month for every year you were married. That's how long it takes you to work through all the emotional crap you haven't yet dealt with.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You were correct on him wanting you since he felt someone else held

your heart. "IF" he suddenly has this urge to work things out, have 

him bond with the kids first. If it seems legit, try going out. It 

can't hurt. It is clear he has no clue how much damage he 

inflicted upon you. He should seek IC to find out why this is so.

If it is possible to rekindle something, MC is a definite.

How was your Hs childhood?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Well, told the guy I dated a couple of times that I couldn't see him and off to mc today. Agreed Chuck he does have to reestablish a relationship with the children. he doesn't realize the damage this has also inflicted on them. The counselor we are going to see tonight does family counseling as well. I told him he needed to schedule if he wanted to go and he did. Let's just hope he keeps putting one foot in front of the other.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

everything starts with small steps, best of luck


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