# New relationship, a lot of issues.



## xithx (Jan 18, 2011)

This might be pretty long but I need someone to talk to because I can't talk to him. 

We've been together since March of 2010. I'm 28 and he's 49, he saved me from a pretty bad life. He was the resource coordinator for a boarding house. He took me in and I came back to life. I'm greatful he did this for me.

We didn't start dating until about a week after I moved into the boarding house, we became close and things went from there. Long story short, we had an awesome relationship at first.

Some drama happened and we had to move out of the boarding house, we found ourselves a little apartment. Here is when our trouble started. 

I have a horrible history of men cheating on me, my ex-husband hit me and cheated on me, there is some parts I don't want to remember. My current boyfriend knows some about my past, enough to be able to charactarize who I am. At first, he was very understanding of my issues and even tried his hardest to get me help, however over the months that diminished and this is what happens now.

My anxiety has gotten 100x worse. I cannot socialize with anyone outside of the home, I don't leave to go any where. I've never had a job. My social anxiety is, and has dampened my way of life and now it's effecting this relationship. 

My boyfriend also has his own issues, I won't go into much detail on his part but he's on medications for depression.

The biggest problem now is my trust with him. I don't trust him at all. He goes to a study class and I don't think all he say is true. He doesn't help either, when I approach him about it he will get aggressive, angry. We cannot talk to each other about anything. He holds my past against me completely, everything I've told him will come out during a fight. 

He hides things about females with me, who they are which doesn't help me. He calls me names and refuses to talk to me about them with out screaming at me. 

The best instance is the other day, a woman he says is from his study class called him and asked him out for dinner. I was sitting by him when this happened. He tells her sure, and wants to go.... But this is what's going through my head:

"He's always said he wasn't ready to meet people, so why her.. why now?" 

I tell him that I am uncomfortable about it, and he reacts hastely and calls her and says "I need you not to ask any questions, but I cannot go tomorrow." and he hangs up with her. We get into it about this... another fight.

I know how to push his buttons too, and I do. I don't trust him at all. He enables it by hiding things from me, he does more so about females, at least it thats how it feels to me. I can't talk to him about it either. We just can't communicate, and I can't trust him, I do some pretty messed up stuff too. 

We both have problems when it comes to talking to each other. I don't know what to do. My insecurities make me ask him questions about what he's doing or whose the new female on his contact list. When I ask him about these he gets SO mad at me it's awful.

I asked him to prove to me that he wasn't cheating, I didn't know what else to do. He has done nothing to put my mind at ease about certain things other than flip out, get angry. He says that Im being selfish that I "Have to know" and Im not doing it to help us through this. 

I'm at the end of the rope, and he is too. Are we just not compatible? 

I can't even say what I want to say he is behind me, and won't stop badgering me about our entire fight history. Makes me angry!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You don't say how long you were together before you moved out and got your place together, but it does sound like you didn't know each other very long before you got together. It kind of sounds to me like you didn't know each other very well, and now you're discovering that you two just aren't a good couple. 

It also sounds like maybe you clung to him because you were in a bad situation, and he was there. Relationships that start that way don't always work out. In those circumstances, you often see what you want to see, so that you think you're getting what you need. Eventually, the bad situation resolves and you're left with a partner that you don't really know, and once you do get to know him, you realize that he's not really what you wanted. 

You could try counseling, not only to work through what's going on now, but to work on getting better communication skills as well. It sounds like you two could use them.


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## xithx (Jan 18, 2011)

Thank you for your reply. I think you're on the right track with this. We don't know each other, and we haven't taken the time to find out. I don't think either of us care enough too.

I've mentioned us not being able to have a healthy relationship before, and he always has the same argument. I'm the only one he wants to be with, and we make up.. it's over with.... I was fine with this until last time, and I'm sick of being abused mentally when he gets upset at something I'm curious about, or anything.

I know my trust with him has a lot to do with why we fight, he blames me everytime anyway, but how can I stop acting this way when he will go out of his way to hide something from me? Am I really being a "Paranoid dilusional"? as he would say. He told me that when I asked to speak with the women from his study group on the phone I was being controlling, and if he allowed it he would be "enabling poor behaviour" and he wants nothing to do with it. I personally think he's being manipulative when he does this. He's not helping anything, he's being selfish and shadey. He could use better terms with me, I'm suppose to be his girlfriend.

He brings his pride into every fight. He wont help us with anything because it's not "us" thats the problem its "me". He has demanded that I seek mental treatment because I don't trust him or what he does. He cannot prove to me, even through words that he hasn't done something behind my back.

The damage is there, I dont know if it will ever go away, I know it wont the way he's acting now. Counceling may be an option, who knows?

Thanks again for your reply.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

He brings up your past that is never acceptable how can you move forward ? He is 21 years older then you....why is he dating someone who could be his daughter? He sounds immature.I know you are scared about having to take care of yourself but once you do and get that feeling of self reliance your self esteem will soar  I know this is true.Do have a family or a guidance councilor you could speak with?


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## xithx (Jan 18, 2011)

I have family but they aren't people I can really share my life with. We aren't very close anymore and I have a terribly small family. I've tried talking to proffesional help - I'm on state health insurance and I go to people who just creep me out or make me angry so I stopped going.

My boyfriend apologized tonight and called to make a anger managment appointment. This is the first time hes' ever accepted blame for anything. I don't know what to feel any more. He screams way to much for me to look at the way I did when I first met him. I fear this relationship is already dead. I've asked myself if I care about him as much as I think, and I honestly can't give a answer to that right now. :scratchhead:


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