# Incredibly confused and wanting to hold on



## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

I dont really know where to start. My husband and i got legally married over a year ago. We met online in 2005 and he lived in a different state. In 2007 he moved to be with me. Things were perfect. I was finishing school, he was working and we were planning our future together. This was our first serious relationship and both of us were fine with the idea of being the only ones we had been with.

In 2009 he proposed and we got legally married in 2010 for paperwork purposes. Our formal wedding was supposed to be October 21 of this year. Fast forward to six months ago when i suddenly saw that our cell phone bill was $120 over the norm. I did research like the detective I am and saw that every day for the past month, he was contacting someone the minute i left for work until the minute before I got home. He was out of work, his car got stolen, and he was feeling pretty lonely. He claimed this person was only a friend and that is what he needed right now. We don't really have friends here and we aren't very social. Something that bothered neither of us. I decided at that point that he needed to decide what he wanted. We were very much into our wedding planning process and i didnt want to go any further if this isnt what he wanted. He went back to his home state for a few weeks and he said after he realized he didn't want to spend his life without me.

Things moved forward for awhile but we were both stressed about wedding planning. He is a very simple and laid back person and I could tell he was getting overwhelmed by it all. Fast forward now to a month before the wedding. Being that we now only had one car, he would take me to work and pick me up. I was sick one day and needed to be picked up. I called his cell and he didnt pick up. I called the house phone and it was busy. I knew he was talking to her. I finally got ahold of him and we rode home in silence. When we got home we let it all out. He said he didn't want to talk to her and that I should turn his cell off. He also said to take away the Xbox (that's how they met) because he didn't want her to be able to get ahold of him. I did those things. I even unplugged the house phone because I knew she would try to call. This was a week before my final dress fitting and i gave him more than one opportunity to get out. He seemed to be making an effort. He would visit me at work on my lunch, we went out to do things, and he seemed to be OK. We also agreed that his feelings of uncertainty were because he was pretty depressed and had nothing going for him. He started to take an herbal mood enhancer and he was fine with it.

In the beginning of October, he just seemed off. We were less than a month away from the big day and I was completely consumed with wedding planning. One night before bed, I started writing. This is a common way for me to get my feelings out and for some reason I just had an instinct that told me things weren't OK. I wrote how i was scared and couldn't imagine living and doing all the things we do together without him. He saw what I was doing and asked to read it. For some reason, I said sure. This is where. It starts. He said he feels the same way. And the most hurtful of all "I love you but I'm not in love with you." I was shocked. I asked and pried but he has never been much of a person to talk about his feelings. I started packing his things, he said he has felt like this for over a year and he doesn't see it getting better. 

The little sleep we got was so awkward. I went to work for an hour and apparently he didn't know I was cominig home because he was talking to her when i walked in. He hung up on her and she tried calling back numerous times before he answered. She then responded with a childish response along the lines of good luck with your life I hope it works out. Completely immature and playing the martyr role. He took some time to get his brother to come from another state to pick him up but it was agreed that he was going to leave. 

I went home to my parents for the night because i could not bear to sit there and watch him pack up the wonderful life we had together. We talked on and off and he said he didnt want me coming home that night because he didnt want another awkward night in bed and he was tired of arguing. When i got back, he was very coldntowards me. We did eventually get some alone time before he left and he seemed sad. He said as he was packing he came across our cake topper and it made him sad. And that he hopes he can come back. It was common knowledge that he was leaving to find out who he was and become independent. I of course was crying and very sad sbout the fact that i probably wasnt going to see him again. We agreed to be separated for the time and keep in somewhat contact. He finally left and i was a wreck. 

He text me on his way home in the middle of the night and said he had a lot of time to think and wishes he realized this before he left. I really agreed that him going to find himself was a positive thing. You cannot love someone else until you learn how to love yourself and he had lost sight of that. He text me a few days later to see how I was doing. I kept it light and positive because I realized drilling him wasnt going to accomplish anything. We went almost a week without talking and he text me late at night wanting to know how I was, what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I was going out and doing things because I realized that we got too comfortable in our relationship. I tried to tell him that but he said it wasn't fair to give it hope. He said it was hard for him to think its over and that he has to continue.

The next night, he text again, curious about my day. I dont get it why does he care? He got what he wanted, there is no need for him to contact me. Another week went by and then out of the blue he texts me with a sad face. He says he didnt get a job his family pretty much guarenteed to him and that he does nothing. We joked about stuff and i felt like he was coming around. I found some emails and messages the girl had sent to him and realized they were still talking. I was soooo hurt. I text him out of anger and told him he is a coward for lying to me for so long and that he gave up something amazing. His family struggles incredibly and most of them live together in a small house barely holding down a job. They all envied the life he had here and his family has told me they think he is dumb for leaving. His response to most of my texts was that he is just done. No apology ever for what he has done or ownership for his role in the breakup.

Yet I can't help but feel in my heart that he will realize his mistake. Some things, like his Bio on Xbox saying he is married to his best friend, something that was NOT there before he moved out, his need to know how I am holding up, just make me think that this isn't really what he wants. He feels pressured by the homewrecker to choose a side. This isnt the husband I know. Its so hard to go about my day without windering what he is doing and how he is doing. I want nothing more than to talk to him. I miss him so much and hurt more than I thought was humanly possible. I want nothing more than for him to find who he is and start our relationship with a fresh start. The last time we talked it didn't end with his usual smiley faces and good nights.

I am so confused by his actions and words. I know it is very likely over but what about the other subtle signs? I am alone and helpless in a very dark and lonely place. Please give me some insight and possibly a male perspective about his words.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let him go. Sounds like he's been cheating w her ur entire marrriage. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve better. Don't pine for him or beg him to be with u. He's still having an affair. Remove yourself as an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and if she is married or has a boyf u need to tell her partner about the affair. Doesn't sound like this guy was ever committed to u. Be strong and cut ur losses. Stop responding to his half assed texts asking how u r and what ur doing after he broke ur heart and is actively cheating on u. U don't need that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

I haven't begged him and really thought that by going out and doing things, which is a problem he said he has, he will see my effort. I gave him so many chances yet he doesn't give me one. It baffles me that he thinks a relationship built on lies and deceit and secrecy actually has a chance of working. Oh and even better, the girl lives over 2000 miles away!!!!! Across the country practically. I really think he needs to find himself but he has nothing over there and by latching on to the other girl, she isn't letting him become independent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do u continue giving him chances when he won't do the same for u? This guy does not have ur best interests. Cut him off. If he wanted the marriage he would make that crystaal clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedAndHopeless (Oct 28, 2011)

If only it were that easy. He was an amazing boyfriend. I know he has it in him. I would be seriously surprised if I hear from him for awhile. And i am left to file and pay for divorce because he doesn't have but a few bucks and i value the sacredness of marriage to end it before starting something new. Something he obviously doesn't get. That is the hard part.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You are in the process...let it take hold and go through all the stages that you will need to go through to make it to the other side. I have been where you are and I know without a doubt that you will come out and better off. Just take it slow and keep on moving forward. I will pray for your healing.


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