# My wife seems so unhappy these days...



## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

It all has to do with our very small house that we are stuck in. It was a house that I had before we got married.

We have No bedroom and sleep in a makeshift bedroom in a converted dining room. She shares her sons closet and bathroom.... I share a bathroom with my two teenage sons and I use a hallway closet. 

She was ok for a long time but lately she has been miserable. She needs space. And she is not sleeping well and honestly treating me like ****. Her unhappiness is rubbing off on me. 

Take note that she definitely has ocd.... As a matter of a fact her son does too. She gets anxiety attacks when her world is unorganized. And I pay the price. 

The house is under water... Ugh. I am at the point now where I think I am going to just get her an apartment so she won't be so unhappy. 

I started this post in trying to get some ideas on some things I could use to cheer her up. But I guess I know the answer would only be temporary. 

This house has really affected or relationship. But I feel like she is blaming me for everything I never wanted us all to move in here. But schools dictated that. 

I don't pretend to fully understand her ocd anxiety disorder. To me, this is not so bad.... But she is absolutely miserable. And I am too! 

Thanks for listening.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sorry your here, hopefully you can get this worked out and everyone will be happy.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

cavenger said:


> It all has to do with our very small house that we are stuck in. It was a house that I had before we got married.
> 
> We have No bedroom and sleep in a makeshift bedroom in a converted dining room. She shares her sons closet and bathroom.... I share a bathroom with my two teenage sons and I use a hallway closet.
> 
> ...


I have a very small house and while it's a pain,there are ways to stay organized and make the most of the space.
OCD or not,she needs to start making the best of the situation instead of focusing on how much it sucks for her.Having a tiny house is still having a roof over your head and that's something for which to be thankful.

I found it helped to get rid of many things I owned that I simply wasn't using.Downsize and make space.most of us have so much crap we don't even need but we hang onto it like it's getting us somewhere.
My ex was seriously obsessive compulsive and he could never get organized.He'd make lists and never get anything done.He kept things he didn't need and his spaces were always cluttered.
Is your wife like that at all?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trenton said:


> Sorry but living with so many kids in the house you described would not be my ideal either, even without OCD and I'm cool with minimization and whatnot but there comes a point where the amount of people in a house makes a small house impossible without the appearance of being hoarders.


True.Even in my house,things get a bit crazy and cluttered if I don't stay on top of it.

And Trenton brought up a good point,why get her a separate apartment?


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Actually. She really isn't. She is very organized. But is like right now she is paralyzed. She hasn't done much of anything lately. She hasn't cooked or cleaned... Which is just not like her at all. She is actually happier when she is doing those things. She has me very worried.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Obviously the house has bedrooms. How many? Do the KIDS have the bedrooms? Because parents should come first. Can you move you two into a bedroom and buy the boys bunk beds? 

I agree with de-cluttering. If you haven't used it, worn it, played with it in a year, have a huge yard sale and do something fun for the family with the money.

I understand you are upside down in the mortgage so trying to sell right now isn't good - can you rent it and buy another house? If you can get a mortgage contingent upon a signed rental agreement, banks will count that as income to offset the other mortgage.

But bottom line, adults should have their privacy and the kids should share rooms, even if THEY have to use the dining room. Maybe decluttering plus giving her some personal space that a bedroom offers might soothe her.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would say get the heck out of there...post haste


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

She sounds really depressed. I can't remember if she had seen a doctor about it :scratchhead: She isn't cleaning or doing her normal stuff because it seems pointless and she just doesn't care anymore. Apathy is not a good thing.

Mind you...I think I would be depressed too living the way you are.... the place I live has to be my refuge from the world.
Somewhere I love and want to come home to. Do you think your wife feels the same about her home? Not trying to make YOU feel bad at all...it's just that i can understand somewhat how she might be feeling about your living situation. 

Why are you stuck there? Is there no other house in the school district to buy or rent? 

Why *IS* there no bedroom for you? Do the kids share rooms? Could you get a caravan for one or more of the kids if they are old enough (and the climate allows)... you said they are teenagers? Or extend your house?? Convert the garage/attic/sunroom into a bedroom? There must be something you can do.

Showing your wife you're concerned about the effect the housing situation is having on her and actively making the marriage and the marriage bed/bedroom a priority might be very meaningful to her.

But don't forget to keep your boundaries in place...don't allow her to speak or behave rudely and inappropriately towards you. You deserve better than that.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife seems so unhappy these days...*



Trenton said:


> Is there a reason why you can't look for a larger home where your expanded family will all have their own space or at least enough to move around? I mean, why would your solution be to get her a separate apartment rather than look for a home for all of you together?
> 
> Sorry but living with so many kids in the house you described would not be my ideal either, even without OCD and I'm cool with minimization and whatnot but there comes a point where the amount of people in a house makes a small house impossible without the appearance of being hoarders.


We are trying. I think the apartment idea is just stupid. Finding another place is not the issue. It is getting rid of this one. I definitely recognize that this house is too small for us..... But that doesn't mean we just do something stupid. Sometimes you have to just suck it up.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife seems so unhappy these days...*



EnjoliWoman said:


> Obviously the house has bedrooms. How many? Do the KIDS have the bedrooms? Because parents should come first. Can you move you two into a bedroom and buy the boys bunk beds?
> 
> I agree with de-cluttering. If you haven't used it, worn it, played with it in a year, have a huge yard sale and do something fun for the family with the money.
> 
> ...


I have to admit we have put the kids first. They all have their own room and we are in the dining room downstairs. We have put a wall up that gives us a little privacy but not much. Some changes here may help.... May.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Could you rent out this house, and find someplace else for all of you? How long have you been married?

C


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

To rent, you have to move out.... That means additional expenses until you get it rented. One thing I forgot to include was the fact the house is not in the best shape. It has a drainage issue in the backyard that is causing a lot of problems. There are plenty of other things that need to be fixed. It is old and just has issues.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you looked into the programs that are out there right now for re-financing houses that are underwater?

HOw many square feet is the house? Are there 2 adults and 2 children living in the house? Is that right?

Would it be possible to add a master bedroom on the house?


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife seems so unhappy these days...*



EleGirl said:


> Have you looked into the programs that are out there right now for re-financing houses that are underwater?
> 
> HOw many square feet is the house? Are there 2 adults and 2 children living in the house? Is that right?
> 
> Would it be possible to add a master bedroom on the house?


We probably could refinance.... But normally when you refinance you plan on staying a while. 

Adding a master bedroom is possible but also very expensive. 50k probably.... And that is forgetting the houses other problems.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Alright, if I put the pieces together correctly, you have 3 boys living with you in a 3 bedroom - 2 bath house and you two live in the dinning room. I would be unhappy too. Put your two boys together in a room, all three boys get to share a bathroom and you two get in a bedroom with your own bath. Plus, you get your dinning room back and can eat together at the table and have quality family time.

Putting the kids first is one thing, but at what price? Trust me, even if the boys complain about this, it is the right thing to do. There is absolutly nothing wrong with them sharing and absolutly everything wrong with what you are currently doing.

You know the old saying,"if mamma aint happy, nobody's happy".


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Well... We rented another house... So now we have a mortgage and a large rental fee.... We are going to rent ours or hopefully sell it. We will have no money to do repairs on the old place, seriously. And I'm looking for a second job. I hope this all works out


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

cavenger said:


> Well... We rented another house... So now we have a mortgage and a large rental fee.... We are going to rent ours or hopefully sell it. We will have no money to do repairs on the old place, seriously. And I'm looking for a second job. I hope this all works out


I really hope so too!

Put as much time and energy into getting the other house rented/sold...last thing you need is money isses... make a plan together.

But enjoy your new spaces and privacy. 

Woo your wife!


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## desertdog (Apr 22, 2013)

Shortsale the house and rent for a bit. My husband had to shortsale his house when we got married. He bought it for $130k back in 2006. Then the bubble burst. When he finally sold it, it lost $90k in value. Didn't help that half the neighborhood went Section 8...

Anyways, it came down to me or that house. Sometimes it's worth taking the credit hit.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I hope it works out for you, but I guess I don't understand why you didn't make the kids share a room so you two could have your own room, first. There's no reason each kid needs their own room leaving the parents without a room of their own. Does she work too? 

A cramped house would drive me nuts, too, but billions of people around the world live in very cramped housing. It's better than going bankrupt. I hate to say it, but you may almost be better off going into foreclosure than using up all your savings trying to pay the mortgage and rent. Be careful!


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife seems so unhappy these days...*



ginger-snap said:


> I hope it works out for you, but I guess I don't understand why you didn't make the kids share a room so you two could have your own room, first. There's no reason each kid needs their own room leaving the parents without a room of their own. Does she work too?
> 
> A cramped house would drive me nuts, too, but billions of people around the world live in very cramped housing. It's better than going bankrupt. I hate to say it, but you may almost be better off going into foreclosure than using up all your savings trying to pay the mortgage and rent. Be careful!


Here's the thing... The house is way too small for 3 teenagers (my boys are both over 6 foot) and 2 adults. We have No space for anything at all. It really is bad. We are having good luck from prospective renters who don't need that much space but need the area. It's very risky but honestly my wife is going to put me in the funny farm if we don't do something. I am worried.... Very worried though.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cavenger, it will all work out. There is always a market for rental houses. I totally understand your wife's angst, my second husband and I rented a tiny little shoebox house (with my daughter too) and it was MISERY. No place to put anything, no privacy, no way to rearrange furniture, etc....


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

*Re: Re: My wife seems so unhappy these days...*



3Xnocharm said:


> Cavenger, it will all work out. There is always a market for rental houses. I totally understand your wife's angst, my second husband and I rented a tiny little shoebox house (with my daughter too) and it was MISERY. No place to put anything, no privacy, no way to rearrange furniture, etc....


Thank you... I really hope so... My hands were shaking went I signed that lease. Our first renter fell through... But the market looks fairly solid.... My house is another story. Thanks everyone!


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## maynsx (May 21, 2013)

Which is just not like her at all. She is actually happier when she is doing those things. She has me very worried.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

Just an update.... We moved into our rental and had someone else rent or house..... Things are much better now although we are spending about 900 more a month now on housing. Plus being a landlord is a bit of a pain..... Still things are much better. I credit my wife for getting us here!


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## WifeForLife (Jun 15, 2013)

Cavenger you sound like a nice man. Maybe there is more to her unhappiness than a small house, because a small house sounds like a really stupid reason to be unhappy. Maybe it's one of the many things going on inside of her head. I know for me, a messy house can make me miserable, but I know that's the season I am in. My house is a nice size, but I know I have toddlers, and I have too much stuff in my house and I am the only one who ever bothers to clean. Does she want you and/or the kids to help her clean? Do you guys have too much stuff that you need to have a yardsale or donate to charity? Maybe the two of you can go shopping at Staples and Bed Bath and Beyond and brainstorm ways to organize and make the most of your space. But most of all, I would sit down and talk to her about why she is distant and upset. If she says the house, ask her if there is MORE to it, because she used to be fine with the house, etc. I wish you the best!


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