# What defines a good sex life?



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things? 

And is it just physical or is it mental as well?

We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both partners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


All of the above, in perfect unity, except that there can be good sex with just one spouse initiating. Some spouses have responsive desire. They have to be solicited for sex, but then they are into it. Sex without emotional connection is duty sex. It's hardly if any better than real sex.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

I hope that you are just looking to find what other find to be a good sex life, and nothing objective. Because there is none of the latter. The only objective criteria would be a sex life in which all partners involved are sexually satisfied, and have no sexual needs unfulfilled.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's very different for each couple. Not sure you can define it in a general way.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency?


5x day = move on
3x a week = good
2x week = acceptable
1x month = move on

Other people may have other ideas, I knew a perfectly nice guy from Australia (mid 40s) that was completely satisfied with 1x a month.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Every day.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> I hope that you are just looking to find what other find to be a good sex life, and nothing objective. Because there is none of the latter. The only objective criteria would be a sex life in which all partners involved are sexually satisfied, and have no sexual needs unfulfilled.


I seem to rarely agree with @maquiscat, but this is spot on IMO. If all partners are satisfied and feel fulfilled they have a good sex life.



FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


Frequency - This is important, but I can't exactly put a number on it. A few times a week minimum seems pretty good to me. I think sperm live 4-5 days in the female, so my guess would be that is roughly the minimum frequency we would be pushed towards from a biological standpoint. I know I will get quite restless if I went 4 or more days without sex. Barring any kind of health or other physical issue we never go more than 4 days without sex. Typical is something more like every other day.

Quality - That is very subjective. It isn't as simple as saying orgasm = good, no orgasm = bad. So long as both partners are engaged it will always be at least a good session.

Duration - This is low on the list of things that make for good sex IMO. Sometimes 3 minutes gets the job done, sometimes 3 hours. Sometimes the hot and steamy quickie is as good as the long, slow late night marathon session. It goes back to quality, are both partners fully engaged?

Initiating - A few years ago I would have put much more weight on the importance of both partners initiating, but as I've learned about spontaneous and responsive desire my view has changed. I no longer really care about my wife initiating, so long as she is at least somewhat responsive to my sexual advances. It also helps that she has gotten better at rejecting me in a much kinder way when she really just isn't interested. Me not being a pouting baby when I do get rejected has helped too.

New things - This is important, but there is a limit. You can't expect to bring something completely new into your sex life every other time, or maybe even every other month. It becomes a circus act if you are constantly trying to insert something new ( pun intended). It can make one partner feel inadequate if the other keeps wanting to try something new. Also, after 30+ years of sex with the same person there probably isn't too much new stuff out there that hasn't been tried or hasn’t been discussed and is just off the table.

Physical/Mental - For me it is sooo much about mental. If I get a sense that my wife isn't into it I will lose interest. I may even have a hard time achieving orgasm, or if really extreme it could be a boner killer. I absolutely love the physical enjoyment of sex with my wife, but more than anything it fills my emotional tank every time we have sex. I swear that every time we are intimate I feel like I love her more and this just snowballs. I genuinely think sex really is the glue that keeps a relationship together.

Intimacy without intercourse - You didn't mention this, but I think it is part of a couple's overall "sex life." We do so many intimate things that don't involve PIV sex. We sleep together in the nude and we are in almost constant contact when we are in bed. We regularly shower together. Nude massages. We are very “handsie.” I regularly will kiss my wife when we cross paths in the house and I’ll usually cup her breast. While at home she will regularly walk up to me to steal a peck on the cheek while she gives my junk a little squeeze. I think this is a big part of our intimate relationship and can’t be overlooked as to why I think our overall sex life is so great.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


I would say it is a couple that has regular intimacy. They are each focused on pleasing the other. They are both regularly satisfied, content and fulfilled. They feel closeness, connected, an intimate bond.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

This is the simplest answer. What ever makes both partners happy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I imagine the answers are as varied as the people answering them. And really no help for anyone reading the responses. All of the things you question play into a good intimate relationship. Whatever works for a couple makes it good. If one or the other is frustrated or unhappy it won't be good. Here is my take:

Frequency? This has varied over the years we have been together from several per day to several per week. If we haven't been intimate in three-four days ( barring illness or injury ) we both begin to get "antsy". I personally couldn't manage more than three/day at my age, though there were times in my 20s when that was the norm. When we both had the plague, we weren't either one interested for 7-10 days.

Quality? Don't know what bad quality feels like lol. As my dear old USMC dad used to say, "ain't no bad sex, just some is better than other"

Duration? We have never been much on "quickies". Our preferred duration is 30-90 minutes from first kiss to last kiss. But who in hell is watching the clock? I realize that most detest "scheduled" sex, but that is what works best for us. 

Initiating? I am nearly always the initiator, my wife expects that. If I didn't chase she would wonder what was wrong with me. Her initiation is coming to me while am doing something else and asking "do you want to play?".

Trying new things? We tried everything in our early marriage, kinda learned what we liked by doing. Remember we are both our one and only, so our only practice was on one another. Now, we would be classified as "vanilla", but it works for us.

Is it physical or mental? The mental drives the physical. And our emotional connection as a team enhances the physical.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

A good sex life doesn't exist... only disappointment. Because we are human beings and we are never happy. We always want more.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> A good sex life doesn't exist... only disappointment. Because we are human beings and we are never happy. We always want more.


Jesus! You need to get laid!!!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> Jesus! You need to get laid!!!


I totally agree! Now, when are you going to open that sex workers place? And a UK branch too, obvs...


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


In the early years of marriage, I sometimes wondered if we were having 'good sex' and if maybe we should be doing something differently. I was mostly judging the 'goodness' of our sexual union by the intensity of our physical feelings. I imagine that this is fairly common among couples.

One day a wise man shared his definition of good sex. He said, "If afterward, you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, and good about sex, that's good sex." That definition made a lot of sense to me many years ago, and it still does today. It certainly took away a lot of emotional pressure and let us be more accepting of our sexual union.

Knowing this definition of good sex didn't prevent us from having occasional 'bad' sex, but it gave us a good way to tell the difference.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

On a more serious note: to me, it's good frequency and good quality. I prefer (well, used to  ) less frequency if the sex is good quality. Frequent mediocre sex doesn't interest me. And infrequent mediocre sex either.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


The ONLY thing (IMO) that determines that one's sex life is good is that you're _generally content_ with whatever it is, so it could be all of those things in some mix, or none (except perhaps a minimum quality).

I am content with mine, so I'm happy with the frequency, quality, duration, mutual initiation, mutual desire, variety, experimentation, and emotional connection - and they all vary with time as well.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> The ONLY thing (IMO) that determines that one's sex life is good is that you're _generally content_ with whatever it is, so it could be all of those things in some mix, or none (except perhaps a minimum quality).
> 
> I am content with mine, so I'm happy with the frequency, quality, duration, mutual initiation, mutual desire, variety, experimentation, and emotional connection - and they all vary with time as well.


I'm not suggesting the following applies to you at all - there are a lot of TAM posts where one (1) partner is completely content with their sex life.

I confess this thought drives/haunts me a bit. I'm 80% content, but I never want to find out in the future that she was bored or considered our sex life mediocre. So I keep an eye out for ways to make it better for her. Maybe I should be mindful of not doing that too often though; someone mentioned the 'circus act' pitfall to be avoided lol.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Frequency and enthusiasm, from both partners.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Desire.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Well choreographed song-and-dance numbers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sex totally sucks with a person you’re not in love with. Even if the partner is as beautiful as a bikini model, wants me badly, is a great and giving lover, and fun and easy to be with. If I don’t love them, it’s just not fulfilling.

so I’ll say sex that’s with someone you love and that loves you, at a frequency you’re both liking..... is good sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


For women, a lot of it is mental. Enjoying sex may only last as long as they still love the person or are at least extremely attracted to them. There are always exceptions, but unlike most men, once something happens that makes them dislike their partner, they can just lose all desire to have sex with them. 

Barring extremes, I don't think duration has that much to do with it unless there's a conspicuous lack of foreplay before PIV. If a woman is sufficiently stimulated physically and she still has passionate feelings, she may not even need PIV at all. It does no good for the man to try to last as long as possible just for the hell of it if the woman has already lost interest because of the stalling. It can just get tedious and boring. 


I think a lot of women prefer passion and spontaneity to control. 

I think it's very important that neither partner should be overly demanding about frequency, because it's an imposition and disrespect on the other, which will eventually manifest in negative feelings. And it seems like there are surprisingly few couples who are on the same sex schedule if everything you read on this forum is to be believed.


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## NicoleT (Jun 4, 2010)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


I always used to think we had a good sex life, the sex was the glue holding us together when everything else fell to sh!t we could always rely on that to pull us through but now I realise that without the other stuff it was just good sex. It isnt a good sex life imo if the communication and problem solving and compromise and sharing and affection and respect and daily intimacy of living a life together isnt there. Eventually, as has sadly happened to me, even the sex goes out the window.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

not been a expert in this I would say what ever the 2 people in the relationship are happy with 
no one has a god given right to expect sex from another , 

there are some that use sex to make themselves more attractive to get them self a partner then when they have that victim the sex drops off , 

there are people that are complexly mismatched 

there are people that say they have sex often sometimes putting a number on it but why they feel the need to do this 
who knows , often I find myself asking if they have the super relationship they make claim to then how do they get time to make so many posts on forums as their partner must feel very neglected ,


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good?


It depends upon the individual and the myriad of aspects of it, that variably makes it a pleasure for them.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sex totally sucks with a person you’re not in love with.


Which is an example of that variability between individuals.

For I have shared what I felt was tremendous sex, with people I wasn't in love with.

Including my now wife, since when we started together for both of us, we wanted nothing more than a short lustful fling. Of which the tremendous sex I shared with her when I certainly didn't love her, feels pretty much the same today. So for me it's an experience without much if any distinction.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> A good sex life doesn't exist... only disappointment. Because we are human beings and we are never happy. We always want more.


It may not exist for you or other people who are miserable, yet not everyone is miserable or unhappy with their sex lives.

As for myself although I am certainly not inclined to settle for what I consider less, I am certainly satiated by what I consider enough.

So given that, I'm content and happy with what I have.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> It may not exist for you or other people who are miserable, yet not everyone is miserable or unhappy with their sex lives.
> 
> As for myself although I am certainly not inclined to settle for what I consider less, I am certainly satiated by what I consider enough.
> 
> So given that, I'm content and happy with what I have.


It was a bit of a in-joke with FloridaGuy...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cheers, @In Absentia


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Cheers, @In Absentia


Apologies, but since I have been quite miserable with my (ex) sex life in the past, I can understand...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

frenchpaddy said:


> not been a expert in this I would say what ever the 2 people in the relationship are happy with
> no one has a god given right to expect sex from another ,


Although I am not convinced any gods exist, to even bestow rights on anyone. I concur that no one has any entitlement to share sex with anyone.

That said one thing for sure, if I found myself with an unsatisfactory sex life, and I still had the ticker and desire for more shared sex. I would certainly feel morally free to seek sex elsewhere, with other consenting adults to make up for any shortfalls.



> there are people that say they have sex often sometimes putting a number on it but why they feel the need to do this
> who knows , often I find myself asking if they have the super relationship they make claim to then how do they get time to make so many posts on forums as their partner must feel very neglected ,


Well I can't speak for others, yet I do post on TAM fairly frequently and am fortunate enough to enjoy a rich and frequent sex life filled with a kaleidoscope of activities.

So for myself it's very easy to answer that question. Sex needn't take that many hours out of ones day. So on weekends it's easy to have a quickie in the morning before getting up, follwed by another go in the afternoon, then finished with a longer go in the evening. Then on weekdays a quickie in the morning and or a longer go in the evening, is also not that time consuming.

Plus at least for me, my wife and I don't commute to work as such, for my wife it's a 8-10 minute drive to her office. My office is a short walk from our bedroom. I work flexibly 10-20 hours a week as I choose. While my wife works 8:30AM to 5:00PM Mon-Fri and she gets a rostered day off every two weeks (plus she has long service leave on top of other leave). Neither of us are into sport, our children are now adults, plus both of us are happy often doing our own thing. While neither of us are into cuddling interminably. So we will readily have sex, then get up and carry on doing whatever takes our fancy. On occasion I've even posted her between having sex.

So if one has the time, it's pretty easy to have plenty of time for sex and other things.

As to putting a number on it, it's simple some people like to quantify their experiences. Plus in my case I variously keep a sex diary, plus occasionally photograph or film some of the sex we share, so it's easy for me to quantify what we share with reasonable accuracy.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Apologies, but since I have been quite miserable with my (ex) sex life in the past, I can understand...


I'm sorry you have been miserable with your past (ex) sex life, I wish it wasn't like that for you. That said going forward, I hope you find whatever works for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> I'm sorry you have been miserable with your past (ex) sex life, I wish it wasn't like that for you. That said going forward, I hope you find whatever works for you.


Cheers... I'm doing my best... and to tell the truth, half my sex life was miserable... the last few years... I enjoyed the rest!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Personal said:


> That said one thing for sure, if I found myself with an unsatisfactory sex life, and I still had the ticker and desire for more shared sex. I would certainly feel morally free to seek sex elsewhere, with other consenting adults to make up for any shortfalls.


 no one person should have the right to force another person into a sexless life just because they themselves 
have no interest in sex or for any other reason ,

having said that some people except that the other person can find sex outside , and don't want to know


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sex totally sucks with a person you’re not in love with. Even if the partner is as beautiful as a bikini model, wants me badly, is a great and giving lover, and fun and easy to be with. If I don’t love them, it’s just not fulfilling.
> 
> so I’ll say sex that’s with someone you love and that loves you, at a frequency you’re both liking..... is good sex.


I understand what you are getting at, but love may be a strong word. I had good sex with my wife, GF at the time, before I felt like I had fallen on love with her. Or at least I hadn't expressed it yet. You've really never had good sex with someone you weren't in love with?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Romantic love is the core ingredient that makes it really good and lasting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> no one person should have the right to force another person into a sexless life just because they themselves
> have no interest in sex or for any other reason ,
> 
> having said that some people except that the other person can find sex outside , and don't want to know


There are other ways to get yourself off and relieve yourself then going out and cheating though. I don't know why people these days think that's the go-to answer. I would say those people need to work on being more self-contained so they don't place their penis above the welfare of the entire family.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sex totally sucks with a person you’re not in love with. Even if the partner is as beautiful as a bikini model, wants me badly, is a great and giving lover, and fun and easy to be with. If I don’t love them, it’s just not fulfilling.
> 
> so I’ll say sex that’s with someone you love and that loves you, at a frequency you’re both liking..... is good sex.


For me, it's a variation of this.

If my partner cares for me, has warm good intentions, and is eager enough, the sex is great.

So this has notably included several sweet FWB's when I was younger and single.

Maybe it's just a wide spectrum of 'love', or something like it, closer to caring, that makes the sex great.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

If both are happy with it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

What defines a good sex life? If you have to ask repeatedly, you don’t have it OP. I suggest you stop comparing to others and just make the changes necessary. When you find it, you’ll never have to keep starting threads about your miserable sex life again.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are other ways to get yourself off and relieve yourself then going out and cheating though. I don't know why people these days think that's the go-to answer. I would say those people need to work on being more self-contained so they don't place their penis above the welfare of the entire family.


I agree. To me lack of sex is no better excuse for cheating than the million other potential problems that come up in a marriage. As much as I love sex, I want it with my wife. If that stopped for some reason, cheating is not an option. If the reason behind the low/no sex situation is unresolvable then we would have to look for other solutions, but again, sneaking around behind her back isn't one of them.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are other ways to get yourself off and relieve yourself then going out and cheating though. I don't know why people these days think that's the go-to answer. I would say those people need to work on being more self-contained so they don't place their penis above the welfare of the entire family.


 while i agree that cheating is not a good thing but some people seem to know the other half is cheating and they close a eye to it , 
it is not something new in fact it was often the case before contraception was found ,


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> while i agree that cheating is not a good thing but some people seem to know the other half is cheating and they close a eye to it ,
> it is not something new in fact it was often the case before contraception was found ,


That's common in marriages of convenience, which are rare in the U.S. (we prefer very inconvenient marriages!) But common in parts of Europe. But that's something they know and agree on going in. You can't vow fidelity and then change up the arrangement without agreeing.

The more common U.S. version of that is a man marries the mildest most passive woman he can find and then complains they're vanilla in bed (what a surprise) and then does whatever he wants to do assuming she will put up with anything and keep quiet.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


definition of a good sex life = if both partners are happy.

it's really that easy.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

> So what makes a sex life good?


When my wife and I were in a sex starved marriage and working with a nationally known sex therapist, I shared that by a certain major birthday milestone, I had promised myself that I would be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman, that I wanted that woman to be my wife, but if she couldn't, I would divorce her and find someone else. This was at a point after she told me she never intended to have sex with me again.

The Sex Therapist thought that my promise to myself seemed reasonable and asked my wife if she thought that no sex would lead to divorce and if she wanted to be divorced. My wife decided she wanted to try to rebuild the marriage. Shortly after that the three of us worked on defining what a "loving sexual relationship" would look like for me and my wife and if we could negotiate something that would work for each of us.

For us, a loving sexual relationship was based on making love to each other. It was not based on counting orgasms. What I wanted was to feel emotionally bonded to my wife. Sex, releases oxytocine the bonding/cuddling hormone. Touch is my primary language of love and post-coital cuddling while my brain is full of oxytocine is wonderful and makes me feel emotionally connected. Ideally, that kind of bonding experience every other day puts me in a state of bliss. However, that is way too much for my wife. My W prefers sex once a week, but she can, if she pushes herself handle sex twice a week. For us, sex involves cuddling prior to intercourse and after intercourse. Orgasms are most times, but not mandatory.

The sex therapist also told us that the best sex is playful and exploratory. There should be no performance pressure. If something doesn't go right, laugh about it and try it again another time until you get it right or try something else.

A man's biggest sex organ is not between his legs, but between his ears. For me the best sex is when my wife plays and stimulates all my senses and my mind not just my genitals.

Just one person's perspective on a good sex life or a loving sexual relationship. Your mileage may vary.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

For ME, a good sex life is one where I feel desired by the man I'm with and confident that I can please him sexually. That creates comfort and safety for me, which is what allows me to be fully open and natural, and that's what fuels my desire.

When I felt inhibited with my STBX, and like I couldn't please him, I just shut down and felt anxious and nervous about being intimate with him (all intimacy, not just sex). I still wanted to have sex with him because I craved that connection with him and I needed the physical release - and I kept hoping it would be different - but the sex itself felt empty and over time caused a shift in how I viewed him as my partner and as a man.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> So what makes a sex life good? Is it frequency? Quality? Duration of sessions? Is it both patners initiating and not always just one? Is it being open to try new things?
> 
> And is it just physical or is it mental as well?
> 
> We all know what can make a sex life bad, but what would you say makes it good?


What are YOUR answers, FG...??


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> What are YOUR answers, FG...??


Hmmm, I would say probably just something as simple as having the woman be into it. Frequency, duration, etc all seem important but from my experience, its having the woman initiate or at least be into it like she WANTS sex.

Between marriages, I dated a number of women and had sex with many of them. To have a woman invite you to her place to have sex and take your clothes off and to ask for oral and to offer to do oral on you and to ask to try new positions, etc etc etc. Neither of my two marriages have really been like that. This marriage was kind of like that when dating but stopped after the "I do" was said.

So I don't tell these stories to brag as much as to reassure myself that at least some women find me attractive and want to have sex with me. 

Not the idea for me to always have to feel like I am "working" for it or I have to jump through hoops for it to happen and doing 180s or 270s or 360s and it feels like duty sex when it does happen.

So to simply answer your question LD it would be for the woman to WANT to have sex with me and be into it. I have experienced that first hand with several women and it does indeed make for a good sex life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I am content with mine, so I'm happy with the frequency, quality, duration, mutual initiation, mutual desire, variety, experimentation, and emotional connection -


My wife could make the same claim about a totally sexless life. frequently does in fact.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

"What about love
It's defective
It's always breaking in half
What about sex
It's defective
It's never built to really last"
-Meatloaf


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Hmmm, I would say probably just something as simple as having the woman be into it. Frequency, duration, etc all seem important but from my experience, its having the woman initiate or at least be into it like she WANTS sex.
> 
> Between marriages, I dated a number of women and had sex with many of them. To have a woman invite you to her place to have sex and take your clothes off and to ask for oral and to offer to do oral on you and to ask to try new positions, etc etc etc. Neither of my two marriages have really been like that. This marriage was kind of like that when dating but stopped after the "I do" was said.
> 
> ...


So do you think you picked women to marry who weren't as sexual, hoping or thinking it would change?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> So do you think you picked women to marry who weren't as sexual, hoping or thinking it would change?


Nope. When I got married the first time I was young and didn't know any better and this time when I was dating the sex was hot and heavy for the three years we dated (oral, anal, multiple times per week). Then afterwards faded fast.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Nope. When I got married the first time I was young and didn't know any better and this time when I was dating the sex was hot and heavy for the three years we dated (oral, anal, multiple times per week). Then afterwards faded fast.


That's just awful...and I wish I could tell you that if you had been honest and open and set boundaries that you would have been protected from such an outcome...but I'm an example of how that is NOT any protection at all.

My STBX knew what my needs and expectations were, lied about his being the same, and then changed his mind after we got married, while telling me I was the one with the problem.

But to me, it's not the lack of sex...it's his reasons for withholding sex - selfishness and a refusal to care about my needs. THAT is what I couldn't go without in my relationship with him (or anyone).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think the only protection you have is letting your partner know it’s not ok and then leaving.


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Connection.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Then afterwards faded fast.


Why didn't you simply put an end to your marriage, when it faded fast?

Since instead of putting an end to it, immediately after the commencement of that decline. You have chosen to and continue to accept that decline. Which is entirely a you problem, rather than a spouse problem.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Why didn't you simply put an end to your marriage, when it faded fast?
> 
> Since instead of putting an end to it, immediately after the commencement of that decline. You have chosen to and continue to accept that decline. Which is entirely a you problem, rather than a spouse problem.


I think @FloridaGuy1 would incur rather grave financial consequences if he divorced his wife. He mentioned it in another thread. There are also kids involved. But I agree with you. In hindsight, I should have left many years ago, but then I was given good duty sex (more fool me) and I stayed. Also kids involved here. Now that the sex has stopped completely, it's time to go separate ways.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I think @FloridaGuy1 would incur rather grave financial consequences if he divorced his wife. He mentioned it in another thread.


Which he could have avoided by putting an end to this early on. Of which those consequences are likely to worsen for him, as each year passes. So he will have even more excuses for his inaction.

Given that, I hope @FloridaGuy1 has the dignity to stop whinging to no end, about a circumstance of his own choosing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I think @FloridaGuy1 would incur rather grave financial consequences if he divorced his wife. He mentioned it in another thread. There are also kids involved. But I agree with you. In hindsight, I should have left many years ago, but then I was given good duty sex (more fool me) and I stayed. Also kids involved here. Now that the sex has stopped completely, it's time to go separate ways.


All this means then is that he is paying to live in a sexless marriage, instead of paying to get out of one.

There is NO amount of money that is worth unhappiness to me. I would rather live in a tent and be free and excited about every day than be in a mansion and be slowly smothering to death with someone who doesn't care about me at all.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> All this means then is that he is paying to live in a sexless marriage, instead of paying to get out of one.
> 
> There is NO amount of money that is worth unhappiness to me. I would rather live in a tent and be free and excited about every day than be in a mansion and be slowly smothering to death with someone who doesn't care about me at all.


This was my conclusion (maybe not the tent part).

The thing with money is that it doesn’t make you happy. Stuff doesn’t make you happy, although I keep trying, it hasn’t happened yet.

The sticking point is fear. Fear of leaving. Fear of failing after you leave. I think this is why a 180 self-improvement campaign is so useful or it was at least for me because it gives you the confidence you need to change your situation.

Once you believe in yourself and your own ability to find happiness then you can make changes because you don’t fear what is on the other side.

The money part was easy for me. You’re not happy. How much money would you pay to be happy? For me, maybe all of it?


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