# Wanting out after 7 months - Long



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Ok. I've got to get this out. I know I've posted the same type of topic over and over on here, but it just continues and continues and I feel like I'm losing my mind unless I get some of it out. I am finding it hard to talk to others about what is going on in my marriage. Partly, I'm ashamed. Partly, I just don't know what to say. Partly, I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.

I feel embarrassed, or ashamed, because we have only been married for 7 months and everything has fallen apart. It seems like it started right from the beginning. Now that I look at it, maybe even before the wedding, but I figured it was the stress of planning and of being apart a lot of the summer before the wedding. He worked a lot, I was at my parent's house planning. But, so many issues have come up that aren't even being dealt with and we have now been married 7 months and I've been considering getting out of this marriage for quite a few of those months.

This is my first marriage, his 2nd. He is 36, I am 30. He has 2 kids, but doesn't spend any time with them. When we were dating, I believed it was mostly his ex's fault (that she wouldn’t allow him to see the kids) and was because of his job at the time. Now that he has a job where he has much more time available, especially in the winter, I find that he just chooses not to see his kids anymore. He went from our wedding on July 29th until after Christmas before he saw his kids and now he hasn’t seen his kids since then. He doesn't even call them even though they have their own cell phones. He blames it on his ex, but she was mad at him for not calling the kids, too. I think he got his feelings hurt because his kids don't want to see him, so he just quit. It's difficult to want to have children with someone who does this. When I ask him to help me understand why he chooses to do this, he will clam up and not talk. When he does finally tell me something, it is in anger and yelling. I’ve told him over and over that I don’t understand and I can’t understand unless he helps me understand by talking to me. All I can do is go by what I see and what I know. If it’s different than my perception, then he’s going to have to help me understand what is going on.

*We've been married 7 months and we've had sex a total of 3 times*. One of those times was on our honeymoon. He will not initiate. On our wedding night we fought because his crazy mother was interfering with our night by texting him about his son. We haven't had sex now since October. Most nights he doesn't even sleep in our bed. At this point, I am happier when he is not in there, but I have never pushed him out. He just chooses to sleep elsewhere and then always tells me that he just accidentally fell asleep watching tv. However, he is awake enough to turn off the tv and/or move to another spot, so he is making the choice. December and January and February he was hardly in our bed. Then he came in and said he needed to sleep in the bed because the couch was hurting his back. I told him I never pushed him out. He was there off and on for a week, now he is back on the couch. His choice again, and again denying it. So, absolutely no sex between us. I want to have children more than anything, so this is very frustrating. Although, at this point, I do not see myself having children with him for many reasons. And, at this point, I don’t have any desire to have him physically touch me in any way. I hate feeling that way, and hate that it has come to this, but it is the truth. I fought with him for months over this, and tried to talk him through being nervous about initiating, and nothing ever changed. I guess now I’ve just given up on it.

We have many other problems as well. Problems that he refuses to talk about and refuses to work on . It’s like he thinks that if he just forgets about things, then it will go away. Just like his kids, and his family. I just don’t know how I can do this anymore. I’ve grown to NOT love this person I am married to, and I don’t know if there is any way to fix this. I don’t want to waste my time being with someone if it’s going to go nowhere in the end. I don’t want to be with someone with no chance of having children when that is something we both agreed we wanted in the beginning. He has not slept in our bed again for 6 nights and I don’t see that ending anytime soon. We don’t talk much. When we do, it only takes a few words before one of us is upset and snappy. I’m so tired of trying to talk about things and work on getting things better with no help from him. He says he is sorry. He will do nice things like send me flowers for Valentine’s day and cook me dinner, but we never get past the underlying problems because he won’t talk about anything. He is a nice guy, but he doesn’t seem to want to share anything with me as a couple. As husband and wife. And I’m tired of fighting this and trying. I’ve fought with him day in and day out about talking to me since we married.

I'm at my wits end about trying to get him to open up so we can work on our relationship. I feel like I'm living with a stranger. We aren't even friends anymore. We don't do anything together. I don't want to be divorced, but I don't want to be in a loveless, sexless marriage either. 

Any advice or to hear a similar story would be appreciated. If not, thanks for letting me vent.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

It wasn't clear from your post how long you knew this guy before you married him. If it was only a short while, he could have pulled the wool over your eyes while dating (his indifference,, his poor relationship with his kids, his blaming the ex for being the "bad guy", etc.) and then his real personality emerged once you were married. Take this as a lesson for the next time...take your time getting to know someone first.

If you are having issues like this just 7 months in, that's not a good sign. I think the clamming up and refusing to talk, the blame shifting, and the withholding of affection are intentional and designed to hurt you. If this is his way of interacting with you on a regular basis, you are NOT going to change him and you shouldn't waste your time trying. Having a child with this man is probably the worst thing you could do, since you will find yourself alone and he will have the same kind of relationship with your child as he does the others...distant and aloof. You are right to think about cutting your losses and leaving. Which is worse, the temporary embarassment you'll experience when your friends and family learn that your marriage is over after such a short time, or a lifetime of pain with this man?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No kids? Great. Pack your bags and tell him you're staying at XXXXX's house until he wants to work on this. There needs to be some serious progress before you move back. Personally, I don't think he'll care. People that leave a marriage rarely come back. No serious effort after a month? Serve him with papers and get on with your life.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I dated and lived with a co-worker/friend of his for a year and we hung out during that time. I wasn't interested in dating him, but I think he was interested in me. Then 3 years later, he came back into my life when my ex boyfriend (his friend) was killed in a motorcycle accident. We became really fast and good friends and then started dating. We were together less than a year when we married. I agree that it was probably a mistake. I am 30 and it wasn't a mistake I made easily. It just felt right and I've been in longer relationships and never got married. I agree completely with your post. 



Myopia1964 said:


> It wasn't clear from your post how long you knew this guy before you married him. If it was only a short while, he could have pulled the wool over your eyes while dating (his indifference,, his poor relationship with his kids, his blaming the ex for being the "bad guy", etc.) and then his real personality emerged once you were married. Take this as a lesson for the next time...take your time getting to know someone first.
> 
> If you are having issues like this just 7 months in, that's not a good sign. I think the clamming up and refusing to talk, the blame shifting, and the withholding of affection are intentional and designed to hurt you. If this is his way of interacting with you on a regular basis, you are NOT going to change him and you shouldn't waste your time trying. Having a child with this man is probably the worst thing you could do, since you will find yourself alone and he will have the same kind of relationship with your child as he does the others...distant and aloof. You are right to think about cutting your losses and leaving. Which is worse, the temporary embarassment you'll experience when your friends and family learn that your marriage is over after such a short time, or a lifetime of pain with this man?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

MrK said:


> No kids? Great. Pack your bags and tell him you're staying at XXXXX's house until he wants to work on this. There needs to be some serious progress before you move back. Personally, I don't think he'll care. People that leave a marriage rarely come back. No serious effort after a month? Serve him with papers and get on with your life.


Wish I had someone's house to stay at. That would really help!! I haven't been in this town too long and don't have any really close friends except for 1 guy friend. My parent's live 2 hours away. Not giving excuses, just explaining my reasons. However, I do plan on going to my parents for the entire Spring Break. I know that leaving is probably the best, though. You are right.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

The first thought is to fix marriage. But you dated this guy one year. You had no way of knowing what you were getting. In my opinion, cut your losses and learn whatever there is to be learned from this experience. Start making your exit strategy today.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He wants a maid.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> He wants a maid.


No, I don't feel that is the situation. He does a lot of work around the house. Sometimes more than me. He wants a wife. He just doesn't know how to be a husband.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

I too am curious how long you guys dated before you got married?

How did you deal with differences before?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

tpb72 said:


> I too am curious how long you guys dated before you got married?
> 
> How did you deal with differences before?


Not long enough. 10 months, but we had been friends before that. I guess I didn't notice the differences. In the beginning he talked to me about things, then when things got more serious, he clammed up. He doesn't seem to share anything that makes him feel sad or bad, and that causes a big wedge in between us. I don't know anything anymore about his family, his past, his kids. He won't talk about any of it, except when he gets mad and yells it. I didn't even know he planned to get his kids for Christmas until a day before. And then I found out he hadn't even asked his ex yet. Needless to say, she wouldn't let him have them for a week after that, because they already had plans.


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