# I don't know what to do



## gunit77 (Oct 20, 2009)

We have been married for 8 years this October and we have 2 kids together and my wife has one from a previous relationship. Our relationship has had great times and we also have had bad times as well. It works in a cycle with us. Are fights always seem to be about something stupid, meaningless things that turn it into even bigger argument. Most of our huge fights we both have been drinking a lot and we both say mean horrible things. My words typically involve me swearing and calling her names why she chooses to hurt my feelings by not calling me any swear words. After a few days of us both being hurt we make –up and things go back to normal again. The hurt feelings go away and I assumed just because we were drinking that we did not mean what we said.

Apparently my wife says I have verbally abused her over the years when we have got in one of our fights. She has suggested MC in the past but after a few days everything is back to normal again and we both have promised to change what we say to each other. Well, things have never changed and as soon as another huge fight comes we both say things that hurt each other feelings over and over and over. To the point that we were both miserable and both want a divorce. Yet we still never seeked any help.

An example of a previous fight:

We both worked long hours she works 55+ I work about 60. She works during the day and I work afternoons. We rarely see each other. Our sex life really does not even exist which hurts my feelings because I feel that it was a strong part in our relationship in the past. Our household is complete chaos, laundry not getting down, kids acting out of control absolutely no structure. She would say she would be home around 4pm to get dinner started but does not get home until 8 on some occasions. Then the days she would be home she would be just to tired to do anything around the house. It was up to me to keep things moving get laundry going, dinner for the kids, everything. My whole family has witnessed this and realize how much effort I put in the household to make things easier for our children. She sees it differently because she is at home taking care of the kids and putting them to bed and bathing them while I work afternoons. I started feeling resentment towards her an anger that she was not pulling her weight around the house. I would come home for lunch and she would be laying on the couch, kids out control simply chaos. However, I did not express my feelings to her on how I felt. So we go out with some friends and have a few drinks and argument starts about who does what so on and so forth around the house. Ofcourse I start getting defensive because I have been building up this resentment for a few months and tell her she has been worthless piece of **** around the house for months. So after a few days she said that I’m verbally abusing her, I tried expressing to her my feelings about not getting any help around the house and I meant that I felt you have been worthless around here for months. She took has if I was calling her that as a person and telling me I justify my actions. So after a few days things are back to normal, and I assumed she was only hurt by it then. Well last week she said she wanted a divorce and that she was filing on Tuesday, I was completely shock because we have not been fighting it was out of blue. I asked her why and she stated it was because of the mean things I have said over the years and she now feels that she can not love me the way a wife should love her husband. I tried to tell her why I would say the things that I have an how I was feeling but she wanted nothing of it. I begged her for us to go to MC and work on our issues she wants nothing to do with it. So after things calm down we talked and I found out that her sister in law whom lives an hour from us offered her a job at her business from 8-4, no more crazy schedule a chance for a normal life in her eyes. Still in shocked by her wanting a divorce and me begging for us to get help she starts telling me she wants a better life for her and our kids and she can't trust me and no longer want my verbal abuse, that I have mental issues and I need medication. Just in wow by all of this I again try to explain why I called her worthless because she was not doing anything around the house and other examples of things that I have said and why. She wants nothing to do with me at this point. I owned up to the things I said and told her I had no idea that you were so hurt by words that were one taking out of context and two we had been drinking. She said I tried to tell you the days after we fought but I never took it serious because she would always come kiss me and tell me she loves me or vice versa. So as she happy or seems content with all of this I'm a complete wreck, my family is in shock I just don't know. So I decided to go see a therapist and he told me that Im not mental and that was a pretty harsh thing to say. And that I can not communicate my feelings to her and when I do it typically comes off harsh. I told her this and she gave me hug and said she loved me. The next day she is still wanting this divorce. I tried communicating again with her telling her I did not realize you hurt by these words when this is where I'm coming from. Tonight I asked her again why she did not want MC and she said the damage was done. I felt I lost her. She signed the paper work today and told me I will be getting served this week. I'm devastated I don't know how to act, I did not now she was so hurt. I sent her a message tonight telling her I'm so sorry for hurting, from the bottom of my heart Im truly sorry. I did not get any response. I'm afraid it is over the children our hurt and don't want to move. I just don't know how to cope, how to act around her I'm in so much pain. 

Sorry for the run-on sentence and bad grammar I just can not function by all of this it hurts so bad that she want to throw away 8 years and split up our family with out getting any help.

Any insight help guidance anything 

I love her so much I love our family so much I don't want to loose them.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The only person you can change in this relationship is yourself. Sounds like cutting out the booze would be a great first step. And maybe look into some form of counselling to see why you lash out with words like you do. But what did you mean by "she hurts your feelings by not calling you swear words"?

Next, talk to a lawyer, and know what your rights and responsibilities are. This will help you make sure you don't get taken advantage of. You may not be able to stop the divorce, but that doesn't mean you can't protect yourself.

Third, cut back on your hours (if possible), and work on turning your life around. Replace negative behaviours (drinking, etc) with positive ones (exercise, community classes, etc). Doe this for yourself, not for her. 

In summary... Work on improving yourself. Not for her, but for you. You may or may not be out in the dating pool soon, so you might as well start looking forward to wife 2.0. And if wife 1.0 sees the changes and she starts wife 1.1 instead, then I guess that's a bonus that doesn't hurt you either


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep working on improving yourself. And keep showing her that you are fixing your own issues. Do this through actions not words so much.

Get a lawyer and tell them to drag the divorce out. Do what they can to give you time to work on yourself. Hopefully you will be able to make great changes and she will notice.

One point however, your wife has her flaws as well. It does not sound like she is willing to look at herself and fix those things. Not at this point anyway. So you will need to take that into consideration. Do you really want your marriage if she is not going to improve?


There is a book that I think would help you, "His Needs, Her Needs". It could help you with saving your marriage. If not you will still be a better partner for anyone else who might see after the divorce if it goes through.


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## gunit77 (Oct 20, 2009)

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## gunit77 (Oct 20, 2009)

Here is an update. I realized how upset my wife was by my actions in the past and how she felt I have betrayed her trust. I accepted responsibility for my actions and apologized sincerely for it. When talking to my councilor he asked if I was ever hurt in this marriage and I said yes I have. I have been neglected from love, affection and general friendship.

Over the past few weeks it has been a real emotional roller coaster and real eye opener for me. I started caring more about her job, listening why she vents about her stressful day while offering affection and comfort. Each day before she leaves I offer to her a hug and she accepts. Well yesterday she says " you know that there is a possibility that were getting divorced" I stated yes but it does not have to be this way. She left for work and I felt that there was some hope, hope that she understood I was wrong for not caring as much and comforting her needs before. 

She really has been trying to avoid me and not really talk to me about anything beside the divorce. (Which I have been served) so mid afternoon I get a call from her telling me she had a headache and a very stressful day, so I listened to her providing affection and appreciation for all that she does. I offered if she would like to speak to one of our children and she stated no. So again I assumed she just wanted to speak to me and again I thought that there was hope.

She came home from work late and was upset because she was yelled at by one of her clients at work. A man who as she put it " very aggressive in his tone" the same issues that she accused me of during our marriage. I notice she was upset and put the children to bed and walk her to our bed. Tucked her then laid down next to her and started rubbing her back asking if she was ok told her I was there for her.

She snapped! Asking me why all of a sudden I cared about her feelings, about her job, offering comfort when I have not been before. She says it is making her feel more resentment and thinks I'm full of crap ( when I really do care). She ask me why again and I said because I love you, and why rubbing my back I told her " it seemed you were upset and stressed was just offering comfort as a friend". She then stated she just wants this marriage over and move on to the next step that she filed for divorce and what I did not understand about it being over.

Hurt by all this, I still remained strong and offered compassion. However, I'm so confused!! Is that what she really thinks? Do I need to just let her go and not offer comfort or affection anymore? I thought that there was some hope did I misjudge that?
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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Continue with what you are doing for the time being. 

Stop apologizing, and whatever you do, stay calm and don't lose your cool.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Your wife's heart has become hardened. You get in these fights and makeup -but the truth is you really don't makeup the hurt and resentment begin to build.
You can't force her to come to marriage counseling, do not begin to pester,badger her, or plead with her-which is probably the worse thing you can do.
The intuitive thing to do is plead, be hyper sensitive to her needs, which she is already calling out as fake.
You need to be counter intuitive be decent with her but that's it. Be a good father, keep on taking care of things around the house, and don't let her hold you emotionally hostage with this divorce thing.
Maybe the light bulb will come on and she may reconsider, sometimes you get in the middle of the divorce and they change their mind,when they figure out how much they have to lose.
She has to come to this place on her own.
I feel for you,this whole scenario your in was a big part of my marital problems also.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Any lightening of her attitude?

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