# is being obsessed a normal part of it all....



## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

Ok, so ever since the woman my fiance, or whatever we may be now, e mailed me, got to talking and found out he was cheating on me, and lied to her about it....I have been obsessed.

I googled her E mail screen name. Came up with a web site were she posts blogs, and shows her art work. I have begun to read her blogs, not just a few, Ive read her posts through the past two years. I guess just looking...looking for something, and through discovered exactly when he cheated, and when my fiance started liking her by the things that she menchined he did in the blog. I could see were everything started....how it unfolded, and yet I wanted to know more..I saw everything unfold. Learned a lot about her, and found that she is SO much like my fiance...almost down to the T. Same interests, same thought process. Now I feel like I cant get enough...

Im not sure if this is normal. Most people wopuld think - why would I even want to know about her. Maybe im trying to figure out what it is about her thats better than me, or what she has that I dont. Im not so sure. I guess this sounds crazy to someone who doesnt understand, believe me , Im not a stalker eaither. lol.

Is this normal, has anyone else done this.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

As long as you don't feel compelled to hunt her down and start wearing her skin, I think your feelings, curiousity, and need to know the whys and hows are relatively normal.

I went through the same. You can find a couple of my posts around here where I point out that I openly asked my wife to talk to me about TOM. I wasn't irrate or irrational. I wanted to know how and when she came to have feelings for him and get some sense of his character - aside from the obivous strike that he was involved with my wife. My reasons were I wanted the truth, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to tell me the truth. I viewed it as an opportunity to connect of last resort. We simply had nothing to lose by being honest with each other.

My caveat to you, is that you are framing things from the wrong perspective. You seem to be taking the position that she is somehow better or more desireable than you - that somehow you are deficient. That's not the case. *He* is the one that broke trust rather than confronting his issues or confusion regarding his relationship with you. *He* lied to the both of you.

I never thought TOM my wife was involved with was 'better' than me. I did not think that somehow he had more value and I less, because she would talk with him for hours on end and I would be avoided. Did it hurt? Absolutely. But I never viewed her infidelity from the perspective of my shortcomings. The shortcomings were hers.

So, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to gain some insight and perspective to guide you to the truth, or enabling you to close the door on your relationship and move on. My last bit of advice, this exercise will only bring you more anguish if your goal is to emulate someone else in hopes that it will repair your relationship. Be who you are, and be with someone who loves you for who you are.


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## lovie (Feb 17, 2009)

Haha, no I dont want to hunt her down. I do see your point in that he is the wrong doing, but somehow, I feel that if I somehow made him happier, did something different, maybe if I kept up my looks and dressed up more often, or this or that, he wouldn't have done the cheating. But i do see your point. Its just hard convincing myself its not my fault. Thank you for your advice


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Yikes, my name is Tom, How did I get pulled into this?? Kidding


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well I have asked the same question so if its not normal then I'm right there with you. In our case, I did google her but nothing. So I went to her MySpace page which was public for awhile so read everything on it. She had nothing on there about H, she had before, photos of MY SON! She was posting like it was her kid. A mutual friend of ours had her password and went in and deleted all those pics. Then I wanted to know everything about there affair, where were they, when...I did read in a book this is normal because your world was turned upside down its your brain trying to get in control of this by knowing all the facts. You feel out of control and its a coping mechanism. So you are not crazy. For me I find an activity to distract myself, usually running. Because when I do this obssessing, I usually end up pissed at him again and I am in a bad mood. So I try to channel it but do allow myself to do this occasionally it seems to fulfill that need I have.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ha thats hilarious I think that every women does this! Ya you get obsessed I think its totally normal! I do it I check my friends facebook all the time for updates. And I am sure that she has done the same with me. dont worry I think that we all get that way. And I dont think that he thinks she is better cause if he did he wouldnt be with you still. RIGHT!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lovie said:


> Maybe im trying to figure out what it is about her thats better than me, or what she has that I dont. Im not so sure.


She isn't better just different from you. Besides that, I hope you broke things off, at least as far as the marriage is concerned. Obsession might be a part of figuring things out but it isn't healthy for you to travel down this road. Concentrate on making yourself the best person you can be.

draconis


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