# I date a divorced woman with 2 kids. I love her. Some problems though, help?



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Hey .. I'm super new here. But been having an avid reader and just having an argument with my girlfriend. I decide to post here regarding the problems and feelings I have so far.

Please respond kindly to my post and give a mature and objective opinion. So here it is.. 

I am 29 years old, single male and she's 35, a working mom, divorced with 2 kids. We've dated for about 6 months so far. I can feel she likes me too, and so do I. We feel fit to each other, we talk about lots of things and we do feel comfortable about our relationship.

But sometimes we just have this argument about her ex. It feels like she's still in doubt to be more open about our relationship, and whenever I push her to be open about us, she's upset.

I asked her the reason she seems reluctant to be open about it. She said she want to "protect" me from her (a bit psycho) ex and "stay out of it" until we have a fully matured relation and prepared to be married. Well does it even make sense or am I the only idiot here?

She's not wearing her ring anymore, in fact she always wear the necklace I gave her AND she also has introduced me to her kids. Well that's a good sign of acceptance, isn't it? :smthumbup:


Now the problems, and main questions are:
1. Why she still seems reluctant to be honest about our relationship? Yep she's legally divorced, I checked. 

2. It also feels her ex still not fully let her go. She tells me that some time the ex still try to call/text her, asking about the kids. He even still calls her [honey] .. WTF? What should I do about him? I'm cool with her ex calling about kids, but honey? hmm .. 

As a side note she's always been trying to push her ex back. He still call her honey but she always waving him away and end the conversation. I can see she try hard to keep her kids closer to me and further from him.

3. Do you think it's okay if I make contact her ex? I really want to know both sides of their (failed) marriage tale? And I really want him to let her go. Is that wrong?

4. Give me general tips about dating, or even maybe marrying a divorced woman with kids? I'm trying at first, but it's really hard to not get attached to her. She's just adorable woman, and mother. 

5. How would a remarried woman treat a replacement daddy such as me (assuming I marry her?) People say her kids will always be number 1, and I'm number 2. How bad is it really? Can she still respect me as a husband? Or merely a new guy on the block?

That will be all, let the discussion begin, and thank you so much for your time.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She may have been abused and have reason for trying to her ex "happy". Or she might still be keeping him as plan B. hard to say. How long have they been separated/divorced? How dependent is she on him financially or any other way?

I would definitely advise NOT contacting him. I think she would take that as going behind her back.

And yes, you will likely be prioritized below the kids in a number of ways. After all, you can take care of yourself and make your own decisions, while the children cannot. Having said that, your needs and concerns need to be taken into account too. It's a balancing act, and compromises will sometimes need to be made.

The only other thing I'd say is that you may be getting too serious too fast. You've only been dating for six months. Give it time, enjoy your time with her, and see where things go. Maybe she's just looking for fun, not a life partner?

C


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

It's only been six months, you are moving way too fast. How long has she been divorced? Are you her first relationship after the divorce?

It can take some time for a woman to go from being married to starting a new fulfilling relationship. If you are her first after her divorce there is a lot of emotion and hesitation to let the world know you are dating again. It's hard after going through something like that to be in a place that you can feel confident in relationships again. You really need to give her space.

My first relationship after my divorce was with a guy that was really pushy about me showing our relationship to everyone. I just wasn't comfortable with it. After a year and a half he still had never met my child or any of my family and eventually it got to the point where he was pushing so hard it made me feel even more uncomfortable and I ended it.

With how your relationship is going so far my advice to you is to start to pull back a bit and see this as what it is, dating. Not a serious committed relationship. It's only been 6 months and you are talking about being a dad to her kid and marrying her. That is way too much too soon. Slow down. And yes, stay out of her relationship/business with her ex husband. That isn't your place. If you don't like him calling her honey and her reaction to it, tell her and if she refuses to change it, break up and move on.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

PBear said:


> She may have been abused and have reason for trying to her ex "happy". Or she might still be keeping him as plan B. hard to say. How long have they been separated/divorced? How dependent is she on him financially or any other way?
> 
> I would definitely advise NOT contacting him. I think she would take that as going behind her back.
> 
> ...


Well I can safely say she can take care of herself pretty well. She's not dependent financially to her ex. Rather the other way around.
They've been separated about 2 or 3 years so far.

Yep, I might give impression about getting serious too soon. However, I'm still enjoying her companion and try talk less about that.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Well thank you Soifon for you kind response. Yep it's my second time persuaded her to be more open about our relationship. And we've just had an argument regarding this. Thus I write the post and asking your opinions.

Sorry to ask, but from your story, don't you think one and a half years is quite a long time to decide whether he's the right guy or not? I mean why holding up so long to introduce him to your kids, and families? You didn't look up for further commitment?

And about my woman, she's kinda open about us to her families (parents, and her brothers). But not quite to her ex, for some reason.

Yes, it's definitely too fast and I think it's my fault to upset her. :scratchhead:


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> She's kinda open about us to her families (parents, and her brothers). But not quite to her ex, for some reason.


Because it's a really awkward dynamic. Most relationships, when they end, the two people just move on and out of each others lives. You don't announce to your ex's when you have found a new bf/gf. But once you have kids every time you have a new relationship your ex gets brought into the picture. It's really uncomfortable, even if there is no animosity it's just a weird conversation to have. Unless you feel like there is something more going on between them just relax and let her go at her own pace with telling her ex.


----------



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Steptalk.org. I'm Queeny. Stepparenting is one of the hardest things to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I personally don't think 6 months is "moving too quickly" to be thinking about a future together. I also think a couple years is plenty of time for her to have put her ex firmly in the past where he belongs. 

It does sound like she's into you if she's waving him off, but I agree with you about the "honey" part. If she's working to get him to cool his jets, is she saying, "I don't want you to call me that any more" to him?

What makes the guy "a bit psycho" and is that your words or hers?

I'm with the others who say not to go behind her back and contact him, but I also think you're smart to want to see the bigger picture. I think it would be wiser to pull back a bit from your relationship for now and see what develops. You can explain that you're concerned about the fact that she isn't being genuine about her relationship with you to everyone and will treat it as the yellow flag that it is. 

As far as her treating kids as #1 and you as secondary, this is true of some women but not all. Pay attention to the kinds of things she believes her kids have "rights" on and how much she backs them up (even if they're wrong) to get some idea of whether she'll be logical and balanced about things or not. When they have trouble in school or daycare, does she automatically blame anyone but her kids? Or does she make both parties responsible? How much does she pay attention to her children's side of the story and does she balance it against other information?


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I personally don't think 6 months is "moving too quickly" to be thinking about a future together. I also think a couple years is plenty of time for her to have put her ex firmly in the past where he belongs.
> 
> It does sound like she's into you if she's waving him off, but I agree with you about the "honey" part. If she's working to get him to cool his jets, is she saying, "I don't want you to call me that any more" to him?
> 
> ...


Thank you Kathie. Yep I was kinda hoping she asked her ex to stop calling her that. More importantly I want the ex to know that she's with me now, well yeah we're just dating. But how about some space, please? She's definitely not calling him the same way. She keeps his texts and calls mostly for kids business and nothing else.

Point is, I can feel that she's fond of me, so far. But she's kinda shy to be open about us to him. Yep she tells me how bad it might be if we're going full blown in front of him, he might try so hard to get her back. So the psycho word is coming from both of us.
And like I said, she wants us to go undercover until we're seriously about to be married. I don't know if it actually makes sense or just full of it?
Almost feels like she's having an affair with me, but it's really not either. Her mom and brothers confirm it.

Wish everything could be dead simple just like with a clean single girl coming from lovable families. But hey, you know how it is. It's not just like a matter of choosing iPhone or Android.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think she's full of it about going undercover, and if it was me, I'd opt for blowing that game outta the water. 

I'm not saying she doesn't believe what she's saying. She probably does. But she's wrong.

Here's the thing: If the two of you become a team, then so what if he tries to get her back? She'll have you to back her up and help her be stronger than she might be if she was alone. At some point she has to move forward with her life. It has been over two years. It's time for her to put him in the past and STOP giving him more control over her relationship with you than she's letting YOU have. 

Until she does give you more influence than he has, she's not over him.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Oh well thank you. I don't know. She still turning her phones off after the argument we had. It's not a green light yet to open a conversation, and I'm not pushing her even further or it'll be the end of it.

If you were her, would you give this "control" to a man whom you date for the past 6 months? Or would you try to hide the new relationship and keep it off from your ex until everything is ready?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you her first "post divorce" relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

PBear said:


> Are you her first "post divorce" relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. But I'm certainly one of the longest. 6 months and counting (hopefully).

The fear for her ex is the main reason of our argument here. I keep pushing her to be open about us and she doesn't seem fond of the idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

1. The ex is the father of her kids. He is going to be in the picture (and should be), if only in the background, for co parenting issues. 2. The kids have to be her priority. You (and everything else including herself) have to come second that's the deal when you become a parent. 3. Relax, you can't control what she or her ex does. You can only control yourself and what you do. If you like/love this woman, give her affection, support and encouragement. How she treats you in return will tell you if this is a place you want to be or not.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> Oh well thank you. I don't know. She still turning her phones off after the argument we had. It's not a green light yet to open a conversation, and I'm not pushing her even further or it'll be the end of it.
> 
> If you were her, would you give this "control" to a man whom you date for the past 6 months? Or would you try to hide the new relationship and keep it off from your ex until everything is ready?


The answer to that depends on how into the new guy I am, doesn't it? 

And that's the crux of your problem. 

Whether you're a guy or a girl, when you're head-over-heels about someone, there's NOTHING that can come between you. You'd move mountains to make sure of it during that irrational logic part of the relationship. Your emotions will do your thinking instead of your head. 

After 6 months, yes, I would give my new man more control than a person from my past. I would do that after 6 DAYS, to be honest. I don't owe anyone from my past anything, much less loyalty! There is a reason they're the past.

Her heart's not fully into it with you. Only you can decide what you want to make of that. But while she's thinking with her head, YOU are thinking with your heart. This makes you very vulnerable to getting hurt right now. This is why I said if I was in your shoes, I'd be calling that game. I'd pull back and get back to thinking with my head since it clearly would not be safe to be fully vulnerable in that situation.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not just that kids are #1 and youa re #2.

It's that she feels guilt over what she has done to her children by ripping apart their family. Therefore she overcompensates. Therefore your needs will be far down her below what she thinks are the needs of her children. And as a man in a marriage, you will not be able to tolerate this. And this will lead to a second divorce and a second trauma to the children.. And you will probably have made a baby with her and introduce another child to this hell.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> Oh well thank you. I don't know. She still turning her phones off after the argument we had. It's not a green light yet to open a conversation, and I'm not pushing her even further or it'll be the end of it.
> 
> If you were her, would you give this "control" to a man whom you date for the past 6 months? Or would you try to hide the new relationship and keep it off from your ex until everything is ready?


*iSay:*

I wouldn’t categorize this so much as “control” being delegated to you but rather the woman “winding down the old business” and getting on to a new chapter in her life. Part of that is moving on to a new partner and romantic interests.

So yes, the “undercover” business bothers me too because either: (1) the ex is a volatile psychopath, and then I’d be afraid for my well-being or (2) she’s not wound up old business and she’s had a lot more time to do that – what a couple years?

I’d play it by ear for 6-months and see where you’re at. If her kids know, its likely the ex will know soon enough, but if she’s still hiding this from her ex, 6 months from now, I’d move along – she and her kids may be great but by that point it’s clearly option (1) or (2).

In these situations the children are the innocents and their emotional and physical well being is paramount. Gong forward I’d approach the questions first from the perspective of “how is this affecting the kids”?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

By "control" I mean that what is happening in their relationship is determined by someone other than the people involved. Could also use the word influence.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Well this is become sort of dilemma. If it is up to my head, maybe I wouldn't even think about having a relationship with her. I'm at loss here. I mean why would I even think about it?
She has this complex situation, while with me it's dead simple. I'm a single and she's a divorcee with 2 kids. Couldn't be more complex than that now, could it?

If it were up to my heart, I really want to get to know her, or more crazily enough I wanna marry her. She's one of a kind and she's not just 35 y.o lady. She's matured, independent, strong and sexy too in her own ways. Problem is it's kinda mix situation between logic and emotion. It always is.

It almost feels like I wanna "save" her. Become a husband she needs. Become a good father of her kids and later, maybe my kids. And most importantly I don't want to let her go and raise the chance of her going back to her ex. Such a fine woman fall into a DB like him (I know, there's two sides of every story)? Almost feels like a sin to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Was she divorced when you first met? The reason I ask is that you state she's not wearing her rings ANYMORE. Do you mean that she used to wear her wedding rings? That's very strange if she was separated, let alone divorced.

Also keep in mind that many separated couples always paint their ex worse than reality. So "psycho" may mean the guy stood his ground on the divorce settlements. He may be a real psycho, but take it with a grain of salt.

Does she talk about the divorce? The reasons? Was there cheating involved?

Divorce is final - but it sounds like your girlfriend is still clinging to her old marriage. Maybe it's still too soon for her.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> . . . .She has this complex situation, while with me it's dead simple. I'm a single and she's a divorcee with 2 kids. Couldn't be more complex than that now, could it?_Posted via Mobile Device_


Anytime you have a divorce with children and a good, conscientious and caring parent it has to be complex because the interest and concern of the children (who are innocent to the whole affair) will be paramount.

On the other hand, a parent who is all of the above, is very likely to be an excellent mate so I would think it’s worth the extra efforts.

In the scope of things, six months isn’t a great deal of time, take you time enjoy getting to know this woman and her children but also evaluate it on a go-forward basis. At some point, you’re going to have to make a “call” but hopefully you’ll be better informed at that point.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You don't 'save' anyone. If that is your motivation, stop right there. Because she won't change or 'fix'things...and then you start to resent her.

I don't think you are seeing this woman or this situation clearly.


Introduce her to your best friends for three 'dates' and get their honest reactions. This will probably piss you off...but you need to LISTEN.

Here is the main thing: you say she's financially secure, and that she's all this and a bag of chips. Are you 'up there' with her? Do you have prospects to get there? Because that can also poison a relationship.

You can look harder for someone less complex.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

iSayuSay said:


> If it were up to my heart, I really want to get to know her, or more crazily enough I wanna marry her.


 You are more ready to fully commit to her than she is ready to fully commit to you. Although she likes you, she is not anywhere near ready to marry you, thus her desire to slow things down is reasonable. You have only been dating her for 6 months, so back off a bit and see if she will catch up with you on her feelings. She has not yet decided if you are the one for her or not, you pushing this before she is ready makes you look needy.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> Well this is become sort of dilemma. If it is up to my head, maybe I wouldn't even think about having a relationship with her. I'm at loss here. I mean why would I even think about it?
> She has this complex situation, while with me it's dead simple. I'm a single and she's a divorcee with 2 kids. Couldn't be more complex than that now, could it?
> 
> If it were up to my heart, I really want to get to know her, or more crazily enough I wanna marry her. She's one of a kind and she's not just 35 y.o lady. She's matured, independent, strong and sexy too in her own ways. Problem is it's kinda mix situation between logic and emotion. It always is.
> ...


First, your idea of him as a DB comes from her reporting. There's a fair to good chance that she attracts men who are rescuers and then makes them the bad guy when she doesn't get her way. Not saying that your gal is doing that, but I hope you won't ignore the possibility.

While it might feel great to think of yourself as her Prince Charming, you might find yourself cast into the role of "Prince Harming" if you don't get rid of the urge to rescue her. What happens after you've got her? She no longer needs rescuing and then what? You can no longer fill your love tank with her gratitude, and what's left? It'd be far better to build a relationship on common interests and compatibility than to start it off based on you perceiving her as weak.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> Anytime you have a divorce with children and a good, conscientious and caring parent it has to be complex because the interest and concern of the children (who are innocent to the whole affair) will be paramount.
> 
> On the other hand, a parent who is all of the above, is very likely to be an excellent mate so I would think it’s worth the extra efforts.
> 
> In the scope of things, six months isn’t a great deal of time, take you time enjoy getting to know this woman and her children but also evaluate it on a go-forward basis. At some point, you’re going to have to make a “call” but hopefully you’ll be better informed at that point.


Well yea maybe you're right. Maybe that's the big plus side of her. She's a good mother,matured independent and seems going to make an excellent mate, and yes financially I can be up there with her. And to be honest, IMO she can handle things just fine without her ex, or even me. That creeps the hell out of me too. How can I win a heart of such lady?

I guess as other said, the argument makes me looks needy and moving things too fast. She looks irresistable indeed.
She's still turning her cells off. So what should i do? Just wait give her the time she needs, and let her start discussion when she's ready?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Yes give her some space. I tell my ex little to nothing about my life. It's really none of his business If she's told her family then you should let it go. The kids will tell him eventually anyway


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You can't be the replacement daddy. You will never be a father to her kids. It's usually only when the kids are very young and the father leaves their lives that they will bond to a new person like a parent. 
My husband and I have been together for three years and our kids are ok with it but they have their other parent in their lives. If you want to take his place you are really going to be disappointed. 
It sounds like she doesn't need saving. What would you save her from? 
Do you know if she wants more kids? 
It is very uncomfortable when the ex finds out you are serious about someone else. Just trust her. What difference does it make to you that she doesn't want to tell him? My question is if you are around the kids don't they tell their dad that you are her boyfriend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I told my ex nothing of my partners for many months, until we were actually going to be living together. It was none of his business, he knows very little of my life, outside of our children. There could be many reasons why she's not sharing info with him, it is probably because it's not any of his business, as long as HIS children aren't being harmed.

I would of been majorly pissed off if a partner picked up the phone and discussed ANYTHING with the father of my children, but then again, my ex stopped calling me honey before our divorce was final. My business with my ex husband is my business, because it deals with our children and our children only. He also doesn't let his wife interfere in our business, because it doesn't involve her. What goes on in his house is his business, and what goes on in my home is my business, as long as our kids are taken care of.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Maybe she doesn't need "saving" .. Yep she's completely capable to stand on her own feet.

I might just be lucky enough given the chance and consideration to be the one.
The reason I pushed her to be open about us is the ex possessiveness. Keep calling her honey is one of the most annoying part. Oh and for once he still text her "I love you.." I mean they're separated for quite a long time, and I forgot to mention that he's been remarried too. So, how about STFU and give her some space, please? There's a line here.

I'm okay with them discussing their kids, or co-parenting, there's nothing such as ex-father anyway, right? But when he demands her for more attention and some slack, I'm getting upset, start badmouthing about him, ask to confront him. I just want him to let her go because I can see her feel annoyed by it. But then all of so sudden she looked me as the bad guy in this case.
And that's where the argument start.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

double post.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I can guarantee you she is not waiting for you to discover a way to get in contact with HER. Quite the opposite.

So...remember that girl in accounts? The one with the hair down to there and the tight sweater? Why don't you ask her to noosh on something in the intrim. Your Mommy/Honey isn't interested right now.

Many single mothers are VERY picky about who they let into their kids lives and pushy people set up so many red flags it's not funny

You seem pushy and needy. Not attractive combinations.


----------



## iSayuSay (Jan 30, 2013)

Well after I sent a few texts, she started the conversation this morning, we talked, discussed and I apologized for what I've done and said.
and everything seems to be okay with my new understanding about dating a divorced woman from you guys.
Thank you so much!

Well I think I'm going to have to:
1. Be less needy and pushy about her past
2. Be more gentle and care about her situation
3. Be more patient and give her more time about our relationship
4. Be more aware and thoughtful about her "package deal"
5. Anything to add from you?

Well to be honest I feel a bit like I'm the only bad guy here. Was it purely my fault to be asking for more openness? or do you think she also need to do better for me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

iSayuSay said:


> Maybe she doesn't need "saving" .. Yep she's completely capable to stand on her own feet.
> 
> I might just be lucky enough given the chance and consideration to be the one.
> The reason I pushed her to be open about us is the ex possessiveness. Keep calling her honey is one of the most annoying part. Oh and for once he still text her "I love you.." I mean they're separated for quite a long time, and I forgot to mention that he's been remarried too. So, how about STFU and give her some space, please? There's a line here.
> ...


NEVER badmouth him in front of the kids!! That is the person they love and trust and need in their lives, so I hope when you're speaking ill of him, it's to her and not in front of them!

As far as your other questions, I think that after 2 years apart and 6 months of dating you, it's not unreasonable for you to ask her where she's going with your relationship and to expect open, honest answers. Whether it's asking too much to think she'll cut this off now, well.... I wouldn't let myself stay in your shoes, but some people do need time. This is a matter of compatibility I think.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

iSayuSay said:


> As a side note she's always been trying to push her ex back. He still call her honey but she always waving him away and end the conversation. I can see she try hard to keep her kids closer to me and further from him.


She has only known you for 6 months. This idea that she is keeping her children closer to you and further from their father is wrong. You are not their replacement father now when you are dating her and you will not be their replacement father if and when you marry her. 

The children have a father. He will always be in their life. She and he are tied together on some level for life because of this. So he will always be around the fringes of your life. Get used to it. That’s part of dating/ marrying a divorced woman with kids.


iSayuSay said:


> 3. Do you think it's okay if I make contact her ex? I really want to know both sides of their (failed) marriage tale? And I really want him to let her go. Is that wrong?


No it’s not ok for you to contact her ex. She does not want to even tell him about dating you yet. And what do you think he will tell you? Do you really think he will tell you the truth? He will tell you whatever suits his purpose.


iSayuSay said:


> 5. How would a remarried woman treat a replacement daddy such as me (assuming I marry her?)


Get this thought about being a replacement daddy out of your head. You will be your wife’s husband and their step-father. It takes about 5 years, once married, for a step-family to bond as a unit. My advice is that you get a book or two on step-parenting and read them. If you start to be in her children’s life a lot, have her read it as well. 

One of the major things you need to realize about step-children is that while their mother loves you and chose you, they definitely did not choose you. They might love you, but they might just not like you at all. What these children will most likely really want is for their mother and father to be married again and for their family to be one again. So they might not welcome you. They might get very angry if you try to tell them what to do. If your try to set rules for them.

. I raised my step-son and step-daughter from age 10 on. They are now in their mid-twenties. Step-parenting can be a very hard thing to do. Get educated in it if your relationship with her continues.



iSayuSay said:


> People say her kids will always be number 1, and I'm number 2. How bad is it really? Can she still respect me as a husband? Or merely a new guy on the block?


In a healthy marriage, the relationship between mother and father comes first because it’s the foundation of the family. If mom and dad do not have a strong relationship then the family falls apart.

But in a step family the children come first to their parent because that relationship existed first. It takes time… 5 years they say… for a couple to shift the balance into one where the parent and step-parent are a strong team and their relationship comes first.

Keep in mind that when I say that the parent’s relationship comes first, it does not mean that the children do not get what their needs met. There are times, say when a child is sick, that the child’s needs at that time come first. 

Like I said, do some reading on step parenting.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Step children like chores I hear. Make them do lots of them. It builds character. But avoid them going to balls or gingerbread cottages. It generally ends badly for the step parent

A step kid.

On a more serious note: I never had the relationship with my step parent I had with my mom...for good and bad. Some times I loved my mom to death (EARLY on) and other times...not so much...no not so much indeed.

She got an average amount of affection. She was as good as she could be to me, but once she started squirting out her own, the steps became an afterthought...and dad joined that. That is probably less the case with moms though.

So...IF you get into a real relationship with this woman (um...unlikely IMO) you would do well to spend at least as much energy on them as on your own. For their sakes.


----------



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I am a stepmother. I have been put 2nd before and I sincerely believed it was the start of what destroyed our family. Resentment will set in and be taken out on the wrong people. It is SO SO SO important with step families that the adult relationship be #1 PRIORITY and the children be the #1 RESPONSIBILITY. 
Boundaries are looking questionable here and feelings are going to get hurt. If everyone doesn't participate in openness and practice appropriate boundaries, your relation is in jeopardy. Good luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

