# Noticed good friend's girlfriend on Tinder? Ignore it?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

OK, I tried out Tinder. Realized the zeroes on there. I am sure some are nice people but I don't think it is natural and not for me. However, I keep a profile on there and I guess enjoy rifling through the "selection" like looking at used cars. Nothing I want but interesting to look at. 

Anyway, twice now I have run into one of my best friend's girlfriend's profile on there. The first time I thought maybe someone was messing with her or something, but there are 3 pics on there. Of course I did NOT "like" the pic but interesting. They have been together 2yrs. Just hung out with them. 

So..... I have pretty much already decided I don't want to say anything. Interested in opinions though. I don't want to be involved and not even sure what is going on.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Like looking at used cars! Love it! I agree, it’s fun. It gets old after awhile, but it’s just fun to look at all the pics for some reason.

That sucks about your friends GF. Can you at least screen shot her profile next time it comes up? In case he does hear about it and needs proof. Oh, I guess then he would ask why you didn’t tell him. 

Yeah, that sucks.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> That sucks about your friends GF. Can you at least screen shot her profile next time it comes up? In case he does hear about it and needs proof. Oh, I guess then he would ask why you didn’t tell him.
> 
> Yeah, that sucks.


 I'd tell him, or at the very least screenshot it and email it to him from a throwaway email account.
He's really your best friend and you don't want to tell him?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Would you want him to tell you if the situation were reversed?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, I don't wish to get judged but to be honest, I have been through enough **** in the last year to really not give a **** about much of anything anymore. My friends and family are well aware as is my friend. So me not telling my friend is not exactly a stretch. Lets just say it is odd on many levels. I think she is a bit too good for him but we all get along great and they seem to get along great. She is a lot of fun, has 4 girls, very family oriented, and all that. Really does not seem the type but I sort of wonder if she is "keeping her possibilities open". 

My friend is a serious horder. It ran off his last ex. She could not handle it and I get stressed around it. I honestly cannot see any woman accepting it! 

I will say this, if I tell him, he very likely will tell her I said something and "I" will somehow become the center of this ****. I think someone else will see and mention it. I want to play oblivious on this one. Its not that I don't care but I am SO over drama that I run from it.

Oh, I figured I would mention, my friend would not need proof so I did not save anything. I don't think him seeing that would make him feel good and he knows and trusts me. If I saw it, it happened. I think the reality is right now, he is betting on her more than me and he is in "woo" land with her because she is actually pretty attractive. More so than he has EVER had so I think he is pretty wound on it. He is not stupid though and if there are issues, I think he will sense it or something will come up and I will drop the news if I have to.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm generally of the opinion that getting involved in other people's personal issues unless they have asked you too is a bad idea. Too many ways for it to go wrong, and usually you don't have all the information.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

well, it is a stranger world than I used to realize. There is the very real possibility that they both have accounts or have an open relationship or he is just one of her partners.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Exactly on all accounts ^^^^ I have learned the hard way never to trust a woman again. Not to say they are all bad, I just don't trust anything anymore, including my own selection of women. To be right honest, I know very well that my friend cheated on his last girlfriend numerous times so I guess I don't really care. I listened to him insult his last ex right in front of me and say things I would NEVER say to anyone, much less someone I was attached to. It is NOT my business and I don't want the involvement. If she moves on, it won't exactly surprise me, but playing on Tinder is a little public isn't it?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

BobS, He is your best friend correct? 

We can all understand not being in a good place for uncomfortable talks. 

So,

Use a throwaway email account and email him the pics and the profile statement along with a simple statement like "We know you have been dating X for 2 years, just thought you should know she is active on Tinder - , as you know a hookup site" Signed, "Concerned Friends". 

As you have found the profile twice others who are single have seen it too. 

If the relationship is open he does not care. If it is not open he deserves to know she has an active profile. It gives him a chance to confront her and a choice to not waste any more time on someone who is a player, a cheater. So many people being cheated on or two timed while dating are the last to know. As they find out others knew but kept silent adds further heartbreak to a pretty miserable place to find oneself. 

If the roles were reversed I am sure you would want to know. If not be best friend then anonymously by whomever.

Do the right thing, Inform him.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Exactly on all accounts ^^^^ I have learned the hard way never to trust a woman again. Not to say they are all bad, I just don't trust anything anymore, including my own selection of women. To be right honest, I know very well that my friend cheated on his last girlfriend numerous times so I guess I don't really care. I listened to him insult his last ex right in front of me and say things I would NEVER say to anyone, much less someone I was attached to. It is NOT my business and I don't want the involvement. If she moves on, it won't exactly surprise me, but playing on Tinder is a little public isn't it?


Have you told him in a heart to heart his abusive insults and cheating are not ok ? That what goes around comes around?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I'm generally of the opinion that getting involved in other people's personal issues unless they have asked you too is a bad idea. Too many ways for it to go wrong, and usually you don't have all the information.


I would agree for very casual friendships/acquaintances but this is his best friend. If your best friend does not cover your back who will?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You are a super crappy friend.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> Would you want him to tell you if the situation were reversed?


Aw that's not a good qualifier. Just because a person wants to know doesn't mean his friend would want to know.

And that's why I never left if to chance. I knew I would want to know, but I don't know about other people. So I told my friend if she ever saw my boyfriend (at the time) cheating then I want her to tell me, then asked her if she would like to know I ever saw her boyfriend cheating. She said yes.

First you said "good friend" in the tile then said "best friend" in the text. I don't think I would ask all my friends the same question I asked my best friend. So who is he to you? If he's your best friend, then ask if he would want you to tell him. Pose it the same way I did by first telling him that you would want to know and then ask if he would want to know. That way, he'll view it as a hypothetical question for future reference and not as something to pique his curiosity.

If you don't want to get involved now, then don't get yourself involved later on either. If he ever finds out, don't decide then to chime in that you knew about it. He will feel more betrayed by you than by her because so-called best friends supposedly look out for each other. He'll have to wonder what kind of friend you call yourself being and why did he ever consider you as one.

So your options are:
1. Keep it to yourself
2. Tell him
3. Ask him if he'd like to know
4. Don't get involved later if you refuse to get involved now


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I don't get why you ask for advice in the title and then in the first post you say you won't tell him, and are only interested in what strangers think.

I would be more concerned about my friend than in strangers' opinions.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> I don't get why you ask for advice in the title and then in the first post you say you won't tell him, and are only interested in what strangers think.
> 
> I would be more concerned about my friend than in strangers' opinions.


I do. He's immature and wants attention....and probably wants to swipe right on the girlfriend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> OK, I tried out Tinder. Realized the zeroes on there. I am sure some are nice people but I don't think it is natural and not for me. However, I keep a profile on there and I guess enjoy rifling through the "selection" like looking at used cars. Nothing I want but interesting to look at.
> 
> Anyway, twice now I have run into one of my best friend's girlfriend's profile on there. The first time I thought maybe someone was messing with her or something, but there are 3 pics on there. Of course I did NOT "like" the pic but interesting. They have been together 2yrs. Just hung out with them.
> 
> So..... I have pretty much already decided I don't want to say anything. Interested in opinions though. I don't want to be involved and not even sure what is going on.


*I'm taking it that although you don't want to say anything, since you're best friends with him, it would only be natural to do so.

If the shoe were on the other foot, don't you think he would do it for you?

In any event, if he finds out about it from another source, prepare for the eventuality of being with him for counseling and consoling him!*


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You know a guy who is known to fool around and stumbled across evidence his GF is fooling around and would like to know what your obligation is. I am curious b/c there is a similar situation here, two skunks are having a pissing match and I wonder if I am obligated to serve as referee.

A lot of people here have been cheated on and are looking for ways to pin responsibility on others.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Not telling for fear it might blow back on you somehow is just cowardice.

But then again, since you maintain a known cheater himself as your best friend, I have no reason to expect you have the moral fortitude to do the right thing.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'd take her out since they are obviously not exclusive.

Maybe ask your friend for tips on what she likes to do on dates.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Reality is no one knows I look at Tinder a little and I would prefer to keep it that way. I made the profile a long time ago and never took it down. I am currently living the lie that I have a profile and never look at it. I guess I look but I haven't messaged any matches in 6 months. 

As far as our relationship, I would say good friend but not best friend as best friends usually don't try to take advantage of you. He just has quirks. And HELL NO would I even consider his girlfriend. It is a rule I lived by my whole life. If you date a close friend or brother, you are off the list. I just can't do it. Feels like sharing a condom to me. 

I guess I don't know where I stand sometimes with my friend. He is just a bit odd. Now my BEST friend, that is a different deal. He is like my brother and I certainly would tell him. 

Broken - I never told my friend super directly to stop the abuse because I know he won't do it, but I did tell his girlfriend she should not accept verbal abuse and should leave. She would not do it because she has mental issues. Then she tried to attach to me after the fact. 

I was just tossing this out for thoughts and 'opinions'. I won't lose sleep over it. I would say most people would honestly chose not to even be friends with this guy because I don't think he will make the best partner for a woman. Let me provide an example, I have literally watched his own kids walk over a broken windshield laying in the yard with their bare feet and it did not phase him a bit. He response is "they will learn". He was investigated for not taking his kid to the doctor when one had strep and running a fever for weeks and had medical complications because of it. 

I would say our relationship is more 'business' or work related as that is all we do really. 

I hope that spells things out a touch. I don't know. They forums are are a breeding ground for insult and judgement anymore, I know that.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Reality is no one knows I look at Tinder a little and I would prefer to keep it that way. I made the profile a long time ago and never took it down. I am currently living the lie that I have a profile and never look at it. I guess I look but I haven't messaged any matches in 6 months.
> 
> As far as our relationship, I would say good friend but not best friend as best friends usually don't try to take advantage of you. He just has quirks. And HELL NO would I even consider his girlfriend. It is a rule I lived by my whole life. If you date a close friend or brother, you are off the list. I just can't do it. Feels like sharing a condom to me.
> 
> ...


So you think you have been insulted.Can I have a go?
Have you ever heard the saying “judge me by the company I keep”.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> Broken - I never told my friend super directly to stop the abuse because I know he won't do it, but I did tell his girlfriend she should not accept verbal abuse and should leave. She would not do it because she has mental issues. Then she tried to attach to me after the fact.


You're a sundry of contradictions.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Reality is no one knows I look at Tinder a little and I would prefer to keep it that way. I made the profile a long time ago and never took it down. I am currently living the lie that I have a profile and never look at it. I guess I look but I haven't messaged any matches in 6 months.
> 
> As far as our relationship, I would say good friend but not best friend as best friends usually don't try to take advantage of you. He just has quirks. And HELL NO would I even consider his girlfriend. It is a rule I lived by my whole life. If you date a close friend or brother, you are off the list. I just can't do it. Feels like sharing a condom to me.
> 
> ...


Between him being 'cheated on' and child neglect/abuse I hope she leaves him today. Simply put being stupid and obstinate is not a simple 'quirk', it is a serious character flaw.

I know where you should stand with this friend, business relationship or not - about 5 miles away at all times. He is not a good person and I hope your local department of children services keeps on eye on him and at the very least forces him into parenting classes - that would be a place to start for him to learn how to act like a responsible, loving parent.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Reality is no one knows I look at Tinder a little and I would prefer to keep it that way. I made the profile a long time ago and never took it down. I am currently living the lie that I have a profile and never look at it. I guess I look but I haven't messaged any matches in 6 months.
> 
> As far as our relationship, I would say good friend but not best friend as best friends usually don't try to take advantage of you. He just has quirks. And HELL NO would I even consider his girlfriend. It is a rule I lived by my whole life. If you date a close friend or brother, you are off the list. I just can't do it. Feels like sharing a condom to me.
> 
> ...



I wouldn't even say friend let alone good friend. You sound quite dismissive of him. Not sure why you brought it up. You clearly do not like him (and by the way, you do come across as fancying his girlfriend).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> OK, I tried out Tinder. Realized the zeroes on there. I am sure some are nice people but I don't think it is natural and not for me. However, I keep a profile on there and I guess enjoy rifling through the "selection" like looking at used cars. Nothing I want but interesting to look at.
> 
> Anyway, twice now I have run into one of my best friend's girlfriend's profile on there. The first time I thought maybe someone was messing with her or something, but there are 3 pics on there. Of course I did NOT "like" the pic but interesting. They have been together 2yrs. Just hung out with them.
> 
> So..... I have pretty much already decided I don't want to say anything. Interested in opinions though. I don't want to be involved and not even sure what is going on.


Are you the guys friend or not? Where I come from I protect my friends.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Have the MEN on this thread read about the OP's friend's serial cheating? Or can only women be bad cheaters?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Have the MEN on this thread read about the OP's friend's serial cheating? Or can only women be bad cheaters?


Yes.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Have the MEN on this thread read about the OP's friend's serial cheating? Or can only women be bad cheaters?


Check my post #18


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Have the MEN on this thread read about the OP's friend's serial cheating? Or can only women be bad cheaters?


 Are you proposing that because he was a cheater he doesn't deserve to be informed he's being cheated on? Just trying to understand your post.

The whole bunch sounds right ****ty to me.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> I wouldn't even say friend let alone good friend. You sound quite dismissive of him. Not sure why you brought it up. You clearly do not like him (and by the way, you do come across as fancying his girlfriend).


Yes, I would say how he treated his last GF and the cheating on her was telling about his character. I guess I use the words "good friend" loosely. He would certainly be there if I was in a real bind and always has been, but I cannot ignore some of the stuff he does. This is mostly why I don't even want to be involved with his relationship stuff. I don't want to know. 

I don't know why I come across as having a thing for his GF. She is from the same small town as my friend and they have known each other for a long time. She seems very nice, a good mother, etc. I think she had a rough go with her divorce and lost some weight and working hard to look good. For that reason, I think she is keeping her options open and probably enjoying the attention her fitness brings. 

However, I can only assume if I even twinkle that someone is attractive, that must mean I want them.... Not the case here. I would never date her. She is not my type. She is very nice and I have enjoyed being friends with her. That's it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Have the MEN on this thread read about the OP's friend's serial cheating? Or can only women be bad cheaters?


Your 2 questions: 

Q one, Yes, the OPs friend is abusive to women and to children too. Not behaving like a good person. 

Q two, Not really sure why you are making that statement based on the responses posters here are making while the details are dribbling out from the original poster.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> You know a guy who is known to fool around and stumbled across evidence his GF is fooling around and would like to know what your obligation is. I am curious b/c there is a similar situation here, two skunks are having a pissing match and I wonder if I am obligated to serve as referee.
> 
> A lot of people here have been cheated on and are looking for ways to pin responsibility on others.


:grin2: Pretty much nailed it! I don't trust people any longer so I don't want any involvement in any relationship BS. If that makes me a bad friend, so be it. If I really felt he was a stand up guy, it might be different in my moral compass.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I thought I would update for pretty much no reason..... Plugging through facebook looking for someone and realize my friends girlfriend has deactivated her FB account. Could to be totally unrelated but the whole thing just seems odd to me. Would be different if my "friend" was a stand up dude, but I just cannot see this woman sticking around.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

First, if you have a profile on any site for a good while, someone knows you have it. And you went from didn't use to haven't used in a while, or I misunderstood. 

Honestly I can't tell if you're best friends, friends, or business acquaintances. Each may dictate a different action.

If you know he's cheated on her or they're both cheating on each other, well that's a horse of a different kind.

Too much varied background, for me anyway. 

But best of luck!


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