# New here--need quick advice!!



## Seazr (Jul 29, 2009)

I have been married for 21 years. I have no children myself but my husband has a daughter and son. When we got married, I was 32, his daughter was 22 and his son was 21. His son lived with us for awhile; his daughter did not. There was always some resentment of me on her part because she hoped her parents would get back together when I came along and I believe she feels I took her father’s attention away from her to an extent. Overall I have a very good relationship with my step-son. He is a loveable ‘bum’ that is at our house almost daily because he does carpenter jobs in the neighborhood. My step-daughter got married about 15 years ago. She has a son, 12, a daughter, 10 and a son 5. I don’t believe she ever felt she got the level of attention she needed from us and she has focused on other family members like her grandparents and mother-in-law. She wanted all family affairs to be at her house after their first child was born. Her brother objected because he and his sister have never been close. I suggested that family affairs, Christmas, etc, be at our house since that is more neutral for all concerned. She then choose not to participate with us so we would always do things first at our house for my step-son and my mother and then woe would go to her house. She enjoys traveling and over the years has spent a lot of time going to visit her grandparents in Utah and her mother-in-law in Philadelphia (we all live in Sacramento.)
Bottom line: my relationship with my step-daughter is fine but we are not close. She has distanced herself from her father because, it seems, she does not get the attention from him that she needs. We see her and the kids probably 5 or 6 times a year even though we live within 20 miles of each other. This has been the situation for at least over 10 years.
Six years ago, my husband and I build a vacation house at a lake 250 miles from us. We go there for up to 10 days (each visit) about six days a year. We plan to live there much of the year in 2 years when I can retire. My husband is retired now. My step daughter and the kids have visited once with my husband’s sister. My step son helped build the house. He comes once or twice a year to visit—usually in conjunction with a project we are going at the lake house.
My step-daughter is now going through a divorce. Her husband moved out in Sept of 2008. She got a tummy tuck in November of 2008. We invited her for Thanksgiving at our lake house in 2008 but she had to cancel because she did not have a Dr’s release. We re-invited her for Memorial Day this year and she and the kids came for 4 days. We all had a good time. She then hinted that she had nothing to do for the 4th of July. We had a huge landscaping project to do so my husband and I agreed that is was just not a good time for company. He has trouble saying no to her however and we had to have discussions about it. I would up suggesting to my husband that we go up for a long weekend in Aug and take his daughter and the kids if it worked for them. As soon as we returned, she sent me an email and asked if she could go up next time. I told her about the Aug weekend. I also said we were going up for 2 weeks over Labor Day but had already invited friend but I wasn’t sure exactly what days they would be coming. She did not respond to my email. Her dad called and asked about the Aug weekend. She said that did not work because she had the kids and they had sports but asked him if she could go up herself over Labor Day because the dad had the kids . . . OK—HELP. This is where the sticky part is. I am concerned that now that she does not have Utah or Philadelphia to visit, that she sees our lake house as a viable alternative. I have no problem with reasonable visits—but in my opinion, the visits should be when we do the inviting and for a certain number of times during the year. We go up for 6 long visits; I have suggested that we invite them to come a total of three times for long weekends and possibly longer for one summer visit during the summer. This seems fair to me. My husband wants to leave it loose. He is trying to convince me that she won’t want to drive 250 miles more than three times a year. I, on the other hand, don’t believe that the drive will defer her—she would drive 12 hours to Utah as often as she could—and I see this as a potential battle ground and want to put some reasonable constraints on it up front to avoid future problems. My husband and I are already beginning to fight over this. I believe he is afraid if he puts constraints she will see it as an insult and blow him off again . . . I need advice. I don’t want to give up control of my cherished lake house and I believe without reasonable constraints, this could turn ugly. Please advise me . . .


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well i understand your frustration. i dont think you are being unreasonable, infact, i think you have been more then generous offering to have them over as much as you did. 

but i can understand where your H is coming from, too. he probably feels bad for his daughter and grandkids and doesnt want to cause her anymore trouble. he probably just wants to do whatever he can to make her life easier. 

is there no compromise you two can come to? will he absolutely just not budge on just leaving it 'lose'? I dont think leaving it open is very reasonable at all. she will eventually feel she doesnt have to ask for permission at all and it will become her place.


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## murrayskeeter (Jul 21, 2010)

Have you guys tried counseling or something like that? While it is not a simple process at all, if you are dedicated to trying to repair the relationship then you will agree that trying to find a counselor is a very important matter that deserves your full attention.


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