# Why oh Why?



## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Brief intro : We've been married 7 yrs. no children. Her 2nd marriage, my first. We were friends first and dated while she was going throgh her rough 1st marriage. WE got closer and got married.We took the vows seriously and were a perfect couple. She was hospitalized with an illness.I stood by her and helped her.
Like in every marriage,We fought often over petty things and always reconciled and in her words she will "always love me- no matter what". We've been through thick and thin and she was always my woman who would support me and stood by me.

Then something changed..
Fast fwd. 7 years into marriage, she makes new friends from work, starts going out to the clubs on the weekends and out relationship has been like 'roommates'. Not a lot of sex, only distance. I'm guilty for some of that -- work pressure , boredom, lack of interest etc.. we just had different bio clocks!!

Few months ago, caught her talking to a "friend" in a parking lot when she was supposed to be at work. That weekend, she said she was going to the gym and comes home all showered up. 
i got suspicious and dug thru here phone records since i'm the primary account holder..and voila!! strange numbers incoming/outgoing 50+ minutes. I questioned her and she said " i'ts just a friend". I asked here nicely, "why don't we get on a 3 way and talk to your friend or at least let me say hi".
I called the number *67 and it was a "dude". She locked here phone screen and got her a new private phone and left me for over a month now..with a excuse that she was seeing here family ..blah, blah blah and will be back soon. 

I did some research and spoke to her family and friends, and it was confirmed that she was not staying with them over the nights and weekends.She even lied to them about it. I confronted her over the phone and told her how betrayed i feel for everything i did for her. She has no remorse!
I got the dude's number and address and questioned her about it.She blatantly denies it.

At this point, i can't take her back or trust her "ever again". I told her not to bother coming back and she can't even "own up to" her lies and betrayal. I spoke to a lawyer and she will be served soon.I can't afford a PE to get proof and prove here infidelity in court. She now wants to see me in court (hidden agenda?!!). I feel betrayed, used and left alone. I trusted her all these years like a dumbass.

I know there was something missing over the years and NO ONE is perfect. I admit my faults and tried to work on things i can improve on.Dang! at least i gave it a shot..i didn't go behind her and cheated on her, like she did me.
Why TF do people do that? For the love of god..i can't understand nor do my friends. She is the last person in the world, i hoped would do that.:scratchhead:

P.s: I'm now trying to get over her, erase memories..it's been real hard so far.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why do you need solid proof of infidelity? Is it for legal reasons or just for your own peace of mind?

You said you dated her while she was going through her rough first marriage. It sounds like she is now dating someone else while she goes through her second rough marriage. 

IMO you don't need any further proof. She is done with the marriage and done with you. Gone for a month based on a pack of bald-faced lies? You are well rid of this immoral and low-class creature.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Can you explain what you mean by "dated while she was going thru her rough 1st marriage"? Do you mean that you and her were dating while she was married? If so, why would she be the last person you would expect this behaviour from now?

My apologies if this isn't what you meant. In any case, proving infidelity in court is usually meaningless anyways, as most North American courts are "no-fault". Proving infidelity doesn't offer much value, especially compared to the cost. Just worry about closing things off as soon as you can.

C


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

The key here is your statement that you dated while she was going thru her rough first marriage. Leopards don't change their spots. I always said" if you date a cheater, they get divorced then marry you, pretty soon you are the other half of their "bad marriage". A good example is my xw. She married the OM. Good friend of mine, they had a year long affair, texting behind my back. Married now 5 months. Just found out that she had to give up her cell phone, if you want her, you call him and he will get her for you...LOL.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Forgot to add. Truly sorry for your problems, really I am. Don't mean to be mean. Keep coming to this board a lot of help available to those that will listen.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovesux said:


> Brief intro : We've been married 7 yrs. no children. Her 2nd marriage, my first. We were friends first and dated while she was going throgh her rough 1st marriage.
> 
> *Ok so here is an example of a person having an opposite sex friend while being married and ends up in divorce. I wonder if you meant this literally. You dated a married woman. Wow. bad form at least.*
> 
> ...



Ok so while this was not a good experience, you can move on. This was not the woman you were looking for. This woman is into hypergamy or in just having multiple guy. Sorry you invested so much time in her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't imagin the lies she made up about her 1st marriage. I'm curious to know how long her 1st marriage lasted.

Wouldn't be neat if you, her 1st husband and the OM all got together to compare notes?

I bet the new OM is now hearing the same bull crap you heard when you first met her during her 1st marriage.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Your story sounds familiar. Your wife almost seems like the married woman my STBXH was having an affair with...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

thanks for all your support and advice. Just for the record, her 1st marriage with a common acquaintance lasted only an year or so..she was 18 at the time...and according to her..he ex was severely abusive , violent and then blamed her losing a baby. Don't know 1st hand.It's all hear say. I started talking to her when she was "legally separated" and my dumb ass took her under my wings.

I ain't no Nostradamus and here i'm burning now after 7 years.I can't trust her ever ever again.

Btw, this forum rocks and there are good ppl out here with some real valuable advice and i truly appreciate it.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Your story sounds familiar. Your wife almost seems like the married woman my STBXH was having an affair with...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hopefully you ex is NOT in FL or TX !:scratchhead:


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

lovesux said:


> Hopefully you ex is NOT in FL or TX !:scratchhead:


Yeah I am not in Florida or Texas. Well I think it's good you're not putting up with her lies and cheating. The best thing you can do, is try your best to pick up the pieces & move on. It's easier said than done. But sometimes it's the only choice you have. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Count your blessings you have no kids with this witch and let her move on to her third marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lovesux said:


> thanks for all your support and advice. Just for the record, her 1st marriage with a common acquaintance lasted only an year or so..she was 18 at the time...and *according to her..he ex was severely abusive , violent and then blamed her losing a baby. Don't know 1st han*d.It's all hear say. I started talking to her when she was "legally separated" and my dumb ass took her under my wings.


Most WW say that to their OM so they can justify leaving their BH. They aren't going to say, "Well, I left my husband because he's a great guy". They have to demonize their husband. You took her word for it. I bet if you talked to him personally, you'd get a different story. 

Its part of the cheaters handbook. Most likely she's now telling this OM that you're "severely abusive"?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

And a hush occurred across the Forum, as the great one entered, offered his opinion, then proceeded on. Yes, Lord Mayhem does exist! We are not worthy.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Most WW say that to their OM so they can justify leaving their BH. They aren't going to say, "Well, I left my husband because he's a great guy". They have to demonize their husband. You took her word for it. I bet if you talked to him personally, you'd get a different story.
> 
> Its part of the cheaters handbook. Most likely she's now telling this OM that you're "severely abusive"?


oh yes.
just like my wife made me out to be the most horrible person in the world to her OM. terrible father, terrible husband. im sure he didnt really care.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

lovesux said:


> We were friends first and dated while she was going throgh her rough 1st marriage.


Does this mean you dated her while she was married?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There is no good answer as to why people do selfish things. Other than because they can. The world is full of them.

Be grateful there are no children. Focus on getting out of this. And remember there is someone out there for you to have a happy life with.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> There is no good answer as to why people do selfish things. Other than because they can. The world is full of them.
> 
> Be grateful there are no children. Focus on getting out of this. And remember there is someone out there for you to have a happy life with.


Thank you.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Openminded said:


> There is no good answer as to why people do selfish things. Other than because they can. The world is full of them.
> 
> Be grateful there are no children. Focus on getting out of this. And remember there is someone out there for you to have a happy life with.


We did not "date" at the time i met her. She was legally separated and awaiting her divorce.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

:iagree:


jameskimp said:


> Count your blessings you have no kids with this witch and let her move on to her third marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lovesux: You were merely a "rebound relationship" and a standby suitor for her only until things got better. And karma is now biting you in the backside because you were involved in "helping her" during this turbulent first marriage. 

Regardless if she is even legally separated while awaiting finalization of the divorce and the end of their marriage, then she is still deemed to be cheating on her husband with you, and you would also be guilty of cheating with a married woman by simple default. Never mess with a married woman regardless. Rarely if ever, does anything good ever come out of such a relationship!

You've got yourself a serial cheater here ~ and my advice for you is to fastly get the hell out of "Dodge" and chalk this bad experience up to being a harsh lesson learned!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

US?

Most states are no fault for divorce. As far as evidence, it matters little especially without kids.


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## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

I know how you feel, same thing happened to me... No sex, quick to wash her dirty panties and thongs...I had a gut feeling and yes she was having fun with 21 years old boy.
I told her get out of my life but she end up staying and being a good mother and a decent wife so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

lovesux said:


> Brief intro : We've been married 7 yrs. *no children*. *Her 2nd marriage,* my first.


I've read enough to know that you'll be much better off divorcing and moving on with your life, so don't doubt that.

Also don't focus on proof. Infidelity doesn't mean a damn thing in court, and is more costly to file for. Also you're most likely in a no fault state. 

Since you have a Y chromosome, you need to be concerned with not getting taken to the cleaners.

Also, separated still = married, and dating a person whose married in any shape or form is always gonna be a bag of worms. 

Your stbew is probably going to demonize you like she did her first husband. My ex fiance did that to me. she'd act so lovely at home and I'd so everything for her(opening doors, managing money, taxes, pick ups, car and around the house fixing) and to her OM and friends I'm the alcoholic name calling boogie man. 

A tip, when you date someone talking to their exs isn't a bad idea. One girl I was thinking of dating before current GF told me her ex boyfriend was cruel and narcissistic. Turns out she was BPD serial cheater and the epitome of narcissism herself!

Talk about dodging a bullet, talked to the dude and he had so much crap to show me I immediately called and told her to lose my number.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> Lovesux: You were merely a "rebound relationship" and a standby suitor for her only until things got better. And karma is now biting you in the backside because you were involved in "helping her" during this turbulent first marriage.
> 
> Regardless if she is even legally separated while awaiting finalization of the divorce and the end of their marriage, then she is still deemed to be cheating on her husband with you, and you would also be guilty of cheating with a married woman by simple default. Never mess with a married woman regardless. Rarely if ever, does anything good ever come out of such a relationship!
> 
> You've got yourself a serial cheater here ~ and my advice for you is to fastly get the hell out of "Dodge" and chalk this bad experience up to being a harsh lesson learned!


True..Karma is a *****!


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

She called me yesterday , defending herself and how she wasn't talking to the OM (denial!!) and he was just a friend, she was confused and the reason she moved away ( her stuff still in my house) was to re-think about our relationship. 

I didn't buy it. I have lost all respect and love for her and i told her .. the chances of me taking back her are "zero" and even if i did..i would NEVER be able to trust her like i did before.. i believe our relationship is beyond repair and i should move on..gracefully and with some self respect. There is a women out there who could use my love and affection...i hope!

I filing for a divorce soon.
Thanks for all your support. This forum rocks!!


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

lovesux said:


> She called me yesterday , defending herself and how she wasn't talking to the OM (denial!!) and he was just a friend, she was confused and the reason she moved away ( her stuff still in my house) was to re-think about our relationship.
> 
> I didn't buy it. I have lost all respect and love for her and i told her .. the chances of me taking back her are "zero" and even if i did..i would NEVER be able to trust her like i did before.. i believe our relationship is beyond repair and i should move on..gracefully and with some self respect. There is a women out there who could use my love and affection...i hope!
> 
> ...



What was her response to that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Asian said:


> I told her get out of my life but she end up staying and being a good mother and a decent wife so far.


Yeah for about.. 2 weeks.

I read your back posts.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lovesux said:


> She called me yesterday , defending herself and how she wasn't talking to the OM (denial!!) and he was just a friend, she was confused and the reason she moved away ( her stuff still in my house) was to re-think about our relationship.
> 
> I didn't buy it. I have lost all respect and love for her and i told her .. the chances of me taking back her are "zero" and even if i did..i would NEVER be able to trust her like i did before.. i believe our relationship is beyond repair and i should move on..gracefully and with some self respect. There is a women out there who could use my love and affection...i hope!
> 
> ...



Did you tell her the same?


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

It is good you are buying the lies. File and move on. You will be surprised what is out there. Do the 180 and focus on you.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Did you tell her the same?


Nope.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> What was her response to that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Her response : "he was just a friend, i just got out of hospital, i was sick.. and then ok then..see you in court" and the latest "can you wire me some money?"

She just doesn't seem to get it. 

:sleeping::scratchhead:wtf!!


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> US?
> 
> Most states are no fault for divorce. As far as evidence, it matters little especially without kids.


thanks for the input..
Oh well, the United State i'm in.. the lawyer told me to be prepared for giving her alimony since proving infidelity is kinda hard. 

I'll probably get f***ed over by the darn state just like my wife did me! The law sucks..most states love to punish the person who earns a higher income than the sig. other..although , in my case,the spouse cheats and i can't prove it with pics. and videos..cuz Pvt. Invi's aren't cheap either!!

I earned a graduation/Post Grad. for ****ing reason and i hard to WORK HARD AND EARN IT!!...not to pay an ungrateful cheating wife. If she wants to skip High school and flip burgers and live on food stamps "so be it".She "chose" it and every one is is responsible for their "choices"..why punish me?The LAW should punish the bastard who she is ****ing and let the OMF take responsibility for a while before the bastard dumps her, eventually!! Karma.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

lovesux said:


> thanks for the input..
> Oh well, the United State i'm in.. the lawyer told me to be prepared for giving her alimony since proving infidelity is kinda hard.
> 
> I'll probably get f***ed over by the darn state just like my wife did me! The law sucks..most states love to punish the person who earn a higher income than the sig. other..although , in my case,the spouse cheats and i can't prove it with pics. and videos..cuz Pvt. Invi's aren't cheap either!!
> ...


Some states (like 5) allow you to sue the affair partner. I unfortunately don't live in one. I hope you told her to call dude and have him wire her some money!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Kaya62003 said:


> Some states (like 5) allow you to sue the affair partner. I unfortunately don't live in one. I hope you told her to call dude and have him wire her some money!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This makes me wanna move to Europe , Australia or even Canada..or even Iceland!


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Update: now STBXWifey wants to negotiate in good terms (i'm happy and relieved!!) and hopefully we'll come to a common agreement with the attorney.

The state i'm in it's a 50/50 split law, she's on my mortgage deed ..although i pay 99.9% of our bills + mortgage.. this remains to be seen.
I just hate the thought of losing my house and putting it on market ( after working so hard and almost had a picture perfect life!). Not much equity on the house..just have to figure few things out..and downgrade my lifestyle..if i have to pay alimony SINCE MY WIFE CHEATED!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

lovesux said:


> if i have to pay alimony SINCE MY WIFE CHEATED!


You haven't been married all that long. If you have to pay her support it probably won't be for more than a few years.

Be thankful you don't have kids, especially young kids. What you may pay in alimony is small change compared to what child support would have been.

As far as your wife's cheating not counting into the alimony equation, that's just how it works. She's entitled to her share of the marital assets and the courts may determine that she needs a few years to become self supporting, that's a responsibility you took on when you said your vows and just because she reneged on her part of the deal that doesn't mean you're relieved of your financial obligation which is brought on by marriage, which in reality is nothing more than a glorified business contract which is not nullifed by cheating. 

Better to accept it, realize it's short term, and it could have been worse if you were married longer and had kids.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

totamm said:


> You haven't been married all that long. If you have to pay her support it probably won't be for more than a few years.
> 
> Be thankful you don't have kids, especially young kids. What you may pay in alimony is small change compared to what child support would have been.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Thanks for the response. I just want to solve this amicably..not sure what the W wants now..


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Just do not. Loan her $$$.

She will pay for a lawyer with. It.


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Just do not. Loan her $$$.
> 
> She will pay for a lawyer with. It.


Roger that.. funny i realized that myself after i sent some. I was just trying to be nice. I'm working on NOT feeling sorry for her anymore.

D papers are filed now and she'll be served soon!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

No reason to feel sorry for her. She made her bed an cheated on you in it. Get it done and over with.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> You've got yourself a serial cheater here ~ and my advice for you is to fastly get the hell out of "Dodge" and chalk this bad experience up to being a harsh lesson learned!


:iagree:

Plain and simple, read this until you can repeat all of it 
to yourself in your own head.

Then act.

You, my friend, don't deserve such evil treatment.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

If you want proof that she was unfaithful, why don't you outright ask the OM? You have his number.

That's what I did. My WH denied everything till I emailed the OW and asked her.

She was horrified; she had no idea he was married. He works away a lot so he can get away with it easily. Luckily she'd ended it already - turned out her gut was telling her something wasn't right.

She was very happy to give me all the information I needed. It was only when I confronted him with her email in my hand detailing everything that he caved and admitted it was true.

I understand your need to know, even if it makes no difference materially, especially as she isn't admitting it.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Most WW say that to their OM so they can justify leaving their BH. They aren't going to say, "Well, I left my husband because he's a great guy". They have to demonize their husband. You took her word for it. I bet if you talked to him personally, you'd get a different story.
> 
> Its part of the cheaters handbook. Most likely she's now telling this OM that you're "severely abusive"?


Exactly what I was thinking....!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

Robsia said:


> If you want proof that she was unfaithful, why don't you outright ask the OM? You have his number.
> 
> That's what I did. My WH denied everything till I emailed the OW and asked her.
> 
> ...



The OM is missing some balls. He won't pick up my phone and now my STBXWifey claims she is not talking to him anymore. I just don't a flying Duck!

Too late for that. I'm just focusing on myself, eating healthy, making new friends, hitting gym, shopping, approaching women like never before.. this new found freedom is just awesome. 

The point is.. is she is not sorry for what she did - why should i sit home and sulk.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

lovesux said:


> Too late for that. I'm just focusing on myself, eating healthy, making new friends, hitting gym, shopping, approaching women like never before.. this new found freedom is just awesome.
> 
> The point is.. is she is not sorry for what she did - why should i sit home and sulk.


FINALLY. BTW get a bigger circle of friends. More friends = more house parties. House parties have led to more than one guy getting random poon. Poon is superglue for your ego. Once that is healed you will likely be able to heal the heart MUCH faster.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> FINALLY. BTW get a bigger circle of friends. More friends = more house parties. House parties have led to more than one guy getting random poon. Poon is superglue for your ego. Once that is healed you will likely be able to heal the heart MUCH faster.


Shame it doesn't work that way for women.


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