# Struggling with BPD (?) traits, affecting my relationship!



## pandi (Feb 22, 2013)

Hi guys,

I have been lurking in this forum for a while now and finally decided to make an account. I recently realized that I exhibit some Borderline Personality Disorder traits (maybe?) and it's making me upset. It's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend - I'm afraid one day he won't be able to handle it and will leave me.

Basically, I think my boyfriend is perfect. We have been together for 2 years, and he is very considerate, nice, intelligent, handsome, won't gossip about other people, etc. He treats me very well. Of course, having been with each other for two years, the honeymoon stage is sort of over. I mean that I feel he doesn't give me as much attention/is as romantic as when we first started dating. I had been bracing myself for this ever since the beginning, and thought that I would be fine with it.

But I'm NOT. I find myself arguing more and more with my boyfriend recently, over trivial things. Over things such as "You used to give me a hug when I was sad, now you just ask me if I'm okay and then go back to studying.". I feel I'm not being very reasonable BUT I really want him to go back to being super romantic again. It seems I can't handle it when he doesn't give me enough attention or places other priorities first before me. I realize that this makes me extremely insecure and jealous. But when he gives me the attention (for example, a hug when I'm upset and not replying to his questions), I feel guilty and let him go back to whatever he was doing. Then I feel he 'reins' in more affection for me/doesn't feel as loving to me anymore. It's like a cycle. I want more attention, he feels I don't understand it and we argue. I notice a lot of small things he does, things he says, that he sometimes doesn't even realize and that I sometimes get a little upset about (but I usually don't take it out on him. If it's really bothering me, I will ask him nicely and he will explain. I've learned that usually, I've misunderstood something or I was overthinking). I feel if he could only go back to being so romantic, I would feel happier/like he loves me.

The reason why I say that I might have some BPD traits is because another member (Uptown) recently posted a list of traits and I could identify with a few of them. Namely these:



> 1. Black-white thinking, wherein you categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
> 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
> 3. Controlling behavior that tries to isolate your fiance away from his close friends or family members;
> 4. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust;
> ...


In fact, for the first time a few days ago, I verbally abused my boyfriend. I felt rejected that he didn't give me enough attention (again...) and told him '...you're stupid'. I thought that that would make him upset and then hug me. I think it's because I will do that when I am upset, I will hug my boyfriend. I communicated my feelings to my boyfriend, but he just feels I don't understand him enough (he has to concentrate on study, cooking, etc). The thing is, I UNDERSTAND, but I still feel sooo rejected when he doesn't show the affection I want, to the point where inside my mind, I verbally abuse him and want to hurt him. Luckily, usually I can control myself until logic takes over.

I guess I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. When he hangs out with his friends, I get paranoid that he will say some bad things about me (due to the fact that I've shown him a lot of my bad behaviour, unfortunately). He says he doesn't, and will never do that. I trust him usually, but after we've argued, he might go downstairs to hang out with his roommates. I hear them laughing and I'm paranoid that they're mocking me.

Anyways, what I want to say is that I want to fix myself, become more confident and trusting so that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Someone who can love unconditionally (right now, I feel like I can't. I feel like I only 'love' him when he shows me love)...

Do you think I have BPD??? I feel like a freak, I've noticed in another forum that people are all advocating for the boyfriend to break up with the BPD girlfriend. I DON'T want this to happen, I just feel so lost and confused! 

I'm just so insecure when it comes to my boyfriend. Academically, I'm doing very well and socially, I don't care too much what other people think of me (but as I get to know them better, I get more afraid that they won't like me.. anyways! story for another day.)


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I have a friend who had a girlfriend with BPD. Yes it appears you do. 

Get some help because if you dont you will detroy all of your relationships and no one will want to be involved with you.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...um...you probably do have some borderline tendencies. Most people do...you wouldn't be normal if you didn't.

...but...it is a long road between having a few tendencies and being a BPD. In particular, most BPDs are convinced that everything wrong with the R/S is their partner.

Unless you've...
1. Left him repeatedly...
2. Have extremely rapid mood shifts where he switches between perfect and the worst scum on the earth...
3. Have serious problems (think arrests, affairs, physical injury, suicide) with impulsivity.
4. Have no lasting R/S in your life.
5. Been thrown out of marriage counseling.

...then you probably aren't actually a BPD.

That doesn't mean that you don't have habits that are toxic to a R/S. It doesn't even mean that you shouldn't see a therapist and check out a book on DBT. Both would probably be good ideas. You might start by saying 'Sorry, I'm feeling really hurt and lonely right now...please give me a hug.' instead of using insults to get attention...or by scheduling your time to be busy while he's studying. Substituting behaviors usually works better than biting your tongue.

...but you could also start out by just accepting that you have a few bad habits and possibly unreasonable expectations about R/S. And a fair dash of insecurity.

...a book on nonviolent communication might be a good thing - try talking to him about what you'd like and scheduling stuff.

...also...just figuring out decent expectations...roughly half of people in R/S are upset when the romance cools. The romance cooling is perfectly normal and probably can't be avoided if you stick to dating sane people. That doesn't mean that you should be expecting nothing either. You probably should figure out what you'd need to be happy in the R/S - and balance against what is achievable.

...everyone in R/S has problems. Based on your level of self-awareness, I, at least, wouldn't be suggesting running in the other direction. You sound like you are occasionally mildly annoying (truly no offense meant), but nowhere near diagnosable BPD. That's more usually reserved for the BPDs with histories of adultery, physical abuse, multiple suicide attempts, and 8+ hour long abusive tirades.

OTOH, if you want this R/S to succeed, you do need to (a) be comfortable with him having alone time to do his stuff, (b) be comfortable with him having friends, (c) learn to communicate your needs and desires instead of insulting him to get a response, and (d) make sure you're not hanging around hoping for his attention.

Best wishes. 

--Argyle


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