# Carpooling with a single woman to work?



## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

I've posted soooo many times about my dysfunctional marriage that I will try to keep this short. 

- Husband and I have seriously threatened divorce 3 times this year. 
- Husband bought a $20k motorcycle despite me pleading with him to wait a few more months to get our business repaired.
- One of his arguments were to save a buttload on gas and that he could ride in the winter. He bought a large windshield, hand gaurds, and various other items to make it warmer for him
- My husband wants to try swinging.. I agreed to try it.

-Husband asked how I feel about him picking up a girl he works with and carpooling 3-4 days a week. She is our age, blonde, skinny and does the same job he does so she does make good money so combined he could have all the toys he wanted with out having to any of the work our barn requires. I've been trying to get hired on too so that we can hire someone to take care of our facility. 

-Carpooling wouldn't save us any money especially compared to the motorcycle he just had to have. 
-He would have to leave home earlier and pick her up and that's even more time he doesn't get to spend with his family.

Do you think it's ludicrous that I'm not comfortable with it right now?


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Really?... you really need us to answer this for you? ok. NO !It's not ludicrous. No. The answer is NO, husband who wants to swing and makes bad financial decisions. You may not "carpool" with skinny, single, blond skank. You MAY however, drive the dumb motorcycle you HAD to have. There you go. That is what you say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's carpooling? it sounds like he will be the only on riding?

I think that's called giving her a ride.

With the problems you have been having, not sure I'd be comfortable about it.

If he does it, you could put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. that way you'd know if there was a problem.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

You're ok with both of you having sex with random couples but him carpooling with another woman makes you upset? Ok....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Giving an opposite sex colleague a lift to work a couple of times due to car breakdown etc. is ok. 

Riding with them in and out every day is not.

Swinging? Are you really ok with that? Some people are, and you say you agreed to it...but I wonder...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Pollo said:


> You're ok with both of you having sex with random couples but him carpooling with another woman makes you upset? Ok....


With swinging, couples usually have rules to prevent either of them from developing an emotional connection to anyone they swing with.

Her husband going out of his way to pick up a good looking woman every day and drive her to and from work is the kind of thing that does build an emotional connection. it's a lot of time for him to be spending with another woman.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

What Ele said... Swinging is a more controlled setting.. just sex... no emotions. It's either going to be great for us or disastrous but I don't think our relationship could get that much worse so what's to lose right? It's time that we get to spend together with the added benefit of being on the same team. We only know each other.. it will be our first time together. It's also kind of like dating at the beginning of a relationship all over again... look your best and be on your best behavior! Honestly, I'm genuinely interested in giving it a try for myself as well. I'm 29, 5'8 and 130lbs. I have long dirty blond hair and new 34DD's.. I don't think I'm gorgeous or hot but I do consider myself kinda cute. I'm a bit self conscious about my scars... I have a c-section scar, 4 smaller ones from a galbladder surgery I had this year, and 2 large scars from my boob job 3 months ago that are still fading, and a scar from a mole I had removed 6 months ago.. I also have a some stretch marks on my lower stomach. I hear the swinger crowd has a lot of variety of average folks so I'm hoping it might help my self esteem. Even better if he sees other guys finding me attractive... then maybe he'll realize he doesn't have it so bad. 

Since it's our first time... I doubt we'll get too crazy. It might be fun just to watch others and be watched. At the very least, we get to dress up and go dancing! We actually went shopping today to get some new outfits for the occasion and we had fun together! It's his birthday on Sunday so we are doing this tomorrow night to celebrate.

The carpool chick I wouldn't normally be worried about. I don't think she is that attractive but I know she has a lot of qualities that I know my husband likes; skinny, doesn't wear a lot of make-up, has a great job.. I don't think it would be hard to develop an attraction to her even if he doesn't now and vice versa.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cashybum,

Some time ago I read a book about infidelity by a phsychologist who name I do not racall. There were some chapters in it about swinging. 

One of the things that the book talked about is that often men will use swinging as a way cover for their own intent to cheat.

What they do it to talk their wife into swinging. This way, if their wife finds out about the affair(s), she then turns it around on her. He will accuse her of cheating, of breaking the rules of not attachment because she showed interest in one guy or another.

Since there is carpool-chick in the picture, I thought this might be something you need to do.

I highly suggest that you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hit it in your husband's car. Use adhesive backed Velcro to hold it in place under the front seat.. usually attaching the Velcro to the springs as that's harder to see than the on floor. Some people use two of them. One to have in the car and one to have for a while to listen to. If you get anything of concern, copy it off somewhere safe. Do not say anything to him until you have a plan of action.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

I definitely agree with EleGirl.

He is covering up his cheating with the suggestion of swinging. 
You definitely need to put a VAR in his car. ..


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

intheory said:


> I think the whole thing sounds miserable; and I think your marriage is over.
> 
> 5'8" and 130lbs is lovely. I'm 5'9" and 144lbs; so I'm pretty sure I know how good you look.
> 
> ...


I agree....OP you sound so wrapped up in your husbands mess that you lost yourself along the way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

richie33 said:


> I agree....OP you sound so wrapped up in your husbands mess that you lost yourself along the way.


Yes. Your marriage is done. Stick a fork in it.

Even successful swingers would tell you not to do it. Your relationship is too damaged. A clean break would be better than becoming something you have to hide from your children.

Your H is a cheater. Don't become something low trying to hang on to him. He is not worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr.bunbury (Oct 20, 2014)

cashybum said:


> I hear the swinger crowd has a lot of variety of average folks so I'm hoping it might help my self esteem. Even better if he sees other guys finding me attractive... then maybe he'll realize he doesn't have it so bad.


"a hole is a hole and the d!ck has no eyes" that is how men judge the level of attractiveness.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

cashybum said:


> I've posted soooo many times about my dysfunctional marriage that I will try to keep this short.
> 
> - Husband and I have seriously threatened divorce 3 times this year.
> - Husband bought a $20k motorcycle despite me pleading with him to wait a few more months to get our business repaired.
> ...



I understand his argument about saving gas but he only had to wait a few more months, right? Was there a special deal, so he to buy the bike instead of waiting?

This is a toy for him and maybe it makes him feel young, wild and free again?

Swinging? Big mistake!!!

You are married and swinging is breaking your marriage vows and purposeful adultery. Why be married then? Why not just an open dating relationship?

And this co worker is a hottie, blond, thin sexy body? Yikes!!

What if it turns out you like having sex with her and are into the ladies? He is gone and you get divorced.....

Would he like it if you wanted another guy? Doubt it.

This other woman is mainly all for him.

He gets his toy bike, accessories and now another woman???

You're 5 ft 8 at 130 lbs. I personally wouldn't care about the c-section scar.......you are in great shape and a hottie!!!!

I am also thinking, he might be already having sex with this other woman and getting you do have a 3 some, is his way to justify it away.....

I would never bring another woman home for Mrs.CuddleBug. She would leave and our marriage is over!!!


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

intheory said:


> I think the whole thing sounds miserable; and I think your marriage is over.
> 
> 5'8" and 130lbs is lovely. I'm 5'9" and 144lbs; so I'm pretty sure I know how good you look.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have multiple scars(large ones - 9 inches long, 5 inches, etc.) all over my body from different surgeries and now stretch marks as well from pregnancy, and my husband has always loved my body. I'm 5'5" 118 lbs. He has never said one negative word about it and would run his fingers along my scars, loving every inch. Someone who loves you would never make you feel bad about your body(unless there is a health issue - obesity, anorexia, cutting, etc) which would come as they worry about you. 

Your marriage is on the rocks and I think swinging is a very bad idea. I remember watching a show about swinging and every single couple that was interviewed said to only try swinging if your marriage is completely healthy or it will destroy everything. It looks more like he wants to use swinging as a cover up and it will only be bad news for your family. I would say no to the swinging and put a VAR in his car.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you guys so much for all the thoughtful replies and concern. 

After expressing my concerns about it and it initially offending him, he backed off the idea. After reading several responses from here and other similar threads, he saw that my response was more than normal. Honestly, other than that, I'm not concerned. My husband is actually painfully shy and with very limited opportunities I don't think anything will happen.

Well we went to the club...We walked in and were both a little uncomfortable as we had never really seen other people get it on in person so we quickly opened the booze we brought. We sat on a couch and people watched and talked. After a little buzz, I hopped on his lap and popped the boobs out for a little make-out session. He needed to use the restroom, so I covered back up and picked up my drink when a cute couple that we were watching came over. I chatted with them a little and then introduced them to my husband when he got back. Surprisingly, after a 5 minute introduction (General introductions and explaining their rules) the pharmacists invited us to the "rooms" downstairs and we went! Basically we had sex next to them with her and I doing some light kissing and petting (my first time doing anything with another woman). It was actually really fun! Hubs had a little trouble keeping it up (totally unusual for him!) but it all worked out in the end. 

After that we went back to the main room to the bar to mix up some more drinks. We ended up chatting with a group who knew the couple we were just with and hung out with them the rest of the night. We talked to this one older guy who ended up being a guitar player for this AWESOME cover band I had actually been wanting to go see so we had a lot to chat about. He was a decent looking guy but not really my type. His much younger date however, was a very hot maxim model. Us girls decided to go dance for a while and then when we got back to the group things started heating up. We all started off with our partners and then my husband asked if I would join the guitarist and the model so I went over. I kissed them both and guitarist asked if I wanted to go down on his partner, so I did and to my surprise I realllllly enjoyed it! Then guitarist asked me if his partner could give hubs a birthday bj and I said of course! I helped at first but left her to it and ended up giving the guitarist a bj and then she joins in with me... then the pharmacists came over and the 3 of us were swapping bj's with each other's partners before finishing up with our own partners when the club closed at 4 am. We both left super happy and came home and had sex AGAIN. Today was great although I was a bit hung over and then we had good sex again this evening! We will definitely be going back soon.. I think we are both very comfortable with it in more of a club/group setting as opposed to meeting up with a couple off a website or something like that.

This might just be good for us! There was 0 jealousy. I wasn't even jealous of the model's absolutely perfect body... more like turned on! I was really happy for hubs getting a bj from a maxim model! I think I actually high fived him. The fact that he is painfully shy to initiate anything combined with both of our priorities being primarily our attraction to the female provides us a fair amount of checks and balances with it being a win-win for us both. I didn't do this to save our relationship even though I wasn't the one to initiate it. I was genuinely curious and wanted to do it but I do think it works in my favor. If this is something he really enjoys, he won't really be able to do it with out me and I think that it will encourage him to want to work on our relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. You just passed out of my definition of marriage and straight into the barf zone.

You deserve whatever the hell happens next but your children do not.

So if you can stop being controlled by your crotches long enough to consider, you may want to do what you can to shield your kids from what you have become.

Get checked for STDs regularly and you might want to get fixed.

By.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't be wild about my wife riding to work with another guy (if she had a job). Still, I've had 365 days a year for several years to make myself valuable to her. If I could be easily replaced, I figure it would be my fault and I hadn't used my time very wisely. If he's not interested in the business, why do you have a business? If he isn't interested in working on the barn, why do you have it? She's blonde, you could be blonde (assuming you aren't). She's skinny, you could be skinny (assuming you aren't). He's your guy. Why would you imagine he would think himself better off or happier with some other woman?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

First of all, ignore what the anti-swingers say in this thread. What works for you, works for you. I'm not into that lifestyle, and I'm not a big fan of it, but I'm not you.

Back to the original topic - your husband car pooling, not a great idea. I'm with the others who've suggested that he's looking to use it as an opportunity to score with her.

The suggestion of swinging only acts as a cover-up of sorts. Not just so that if he gets caught he can pull that out as his excuse, but also to assuage his own conscience while doing it.

In other words, he may not be capable of cheating on you under "normal" circumstances, or at least feel horribly guilty afterwards.

Now that he has your permission to have sex with other women (even though the understanding is that you are present) bye-bye guilt and conscience. Add that to the fact that his own wife - you - will (or have been) sexually active with other men, then what's one more in his books, whether you know about it or not?

Now what if he slips his new lifestyle into conversation with this woman, or any other woman he may be interested in? That can get dangerous. As far as I understand it, swinging is generally about meeting new people (strangers for example) and having your fun. The idea is that there is no emotional attachment involved whatsoever. When one of you start making moves on someone you've had your eye on for a while - or worse, you KNOW - then it becomes much more than swinging.

And I also second what a few others have said about swinging (both in here and in other threads on TAM) - only a select few couples can make it work and continue having a happy marriage. It should never, NEVER, be used as a fix. It should never be suggested because one, or both of you are unhappy sexually, or worse, unhappy in marriage.

I'm not going to be a Negative Nancy and tell you this will be a disaster, because it might not. But I do agree with the others that a couple who enter into the swinger lifestyle absolutely positively need to be in a strong relationship FIRST. You guys don't seem as though you are. And I'm not talking about not being jealous of one another, I mean having a good marriage with little to no problems. The fact that your initial post was about whether or not you should be worried that your husband is carpooling with a female co-worker or not tells us that your marriage is not as strong as it should be.

Just do yourself favor and keep your eyes open, and don't be surprised if your husband eventually suggests his carpool partner for a 3-some, or to join you at a club or something. Also be wary of the two of them eventually hooking up and your husband using your new lifestyle as an excuse. "But I thought we're allowed to be with other people?" or "You've had sex with other men!".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yes alexm, just ignore anyone who disagrees with you 
LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> Yes alexm, just ignore anyone who disagrees with you
> LOL!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel the same way you do about swinging, Conan - in my own marriage. It's not for me, and not something I would consider, ever, for all the reasons you stated.

Thing is, the original post is not about swinging.

And just because something goes against your (or my) fundamentals for a healthy marriage does not mean one needs to unabashedly spout off against it.

Save that for the "should I or shouldn't we swing?" threads.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Alexm. I won't tell OPs to ignore you. If I view something as destructive, I will let it go. This situation is a train wreck and OP is engaging in dangerous behavior. You are not in such a significantly higher position than I to dictate where my opinion is valid.

I might disagree with others but don't believe they need to be ignored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

This thread took a turn now didn't it. From carpooling to swinging...classic.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

richie33 said:


> This thread took a turn now didn't it. From carpooling to swinging...classic.


Oh, I don't know. They're both about ride sharing.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Giving an opposite sex colleague a lift to work a couple of times due to car breakdown etc. is ok.
> 
> Riding with them in and out every day is not.


Really?

I have a 50 mile round trip commute every day to the office. I'm as green as I can reasonably be. For the last five years, I carpooled with the wife, until last month. Prior to that, I carpooled with a male co-worker for a couple of years. Carpooling has been an important part of my commute for a long time. 

Would it have been wrong to carpool with that co-worker if he had been a she? I don't think so. None of that applies to this particular case, I will concede, but that's not what you said.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ConanHub said:


> Alexm. I won't tell OPs to ignore you. If I view something as destructive, I will let it go. This situation is a train wreck and OP is engaging in dangerous behavior. You are not in such a significantly higher position than I to dictate where my opinion is valid.
> 
> I might disagree with others but don't believe they need to be ignored.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you talk to people the way you did to OP above, you are not being helpful nor offering any advice.

You spouted off your personal views on a subject that 'makes you barf'. That was an opinion piece, an editorial, not advice to the OP.

I said above - I feel much the same way about the subject as you do. The difference is that I don't feel I have to castigate somebody for something I don't like.

THAT is why I suggested OP ignore your post, and ONLY that.



ConanHub said:


> Well. You just passed out of my definition of marriage and straight into the barf zone.
> 
> You deserve whatever the hell happens next but your children do not.
> 
> ...


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