# Fog lifts ... Then what?



## stormydays (May 31, 2013)

My spouse was set to leave our house and move out with the OW. Affair started about 8 months ago; D-Day 3 months ago; I tried to convince my spouse to stop so we could rebuild but was always met with anger & irrationality & here are all the reasons it won't work & why OW is better. Spouse lived with me and spent time with me but continued to communicate & see OW. Spouse did try to break up with OW at one point but it was a total disaster & only lasted about a day & was such an emotional trainwreck I said I couldn't take this anymore. We put house on market, divided stuff, I accepted a job in a different town. Got myself mentally prepared to be divorced and alone after 12 year relationship. Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair. It was devastating and heartbreaking but I felt like I had to say no. I needed more time to adjust to the changed circumstances. Aside from the affair, we had a few other major issues to work on. Going through the affair was so painful & I no longer trusted my spouse. So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be). 

I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LaQueso (Dec 30, 2012)

It doesn't sound like he was serious if OW was in the wings. 
I was given a similar choice. My H would come back but only if I promised to never say angry words to the OW, we live on an island and 8 minutes away from each other and had a lot of mutual friends. I told him I had to wait 24 hrs to decide if I felt comfortable with that, especially because OW was sitting in the next room. He pestered me so during that 24 hrs that I asked him to spend the night at someone else's house to show me that he was serious and not messing with my head and our children's future like he had over the previous 8 months. He ended up going back to OW's house and she spoke her poison and has been funding his "escape" from our family over the last year.
Sometimes I regret not just jumping right back and accosting him under any circumstances, but I know that I'm really better off since he wasn't really strong in his decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

stormydays said:


> My spouse was set to leave our house and move out with the OW. Affair started about 8 months ago; D-Day 3 months ago; I tried to convince my spouse to stop so we could rebuild but was always met with anger & irrationality & here are all the reasons it won't work & why OW is better. Spouse lived with me and spent time with me but continued to communicate & see OW. Spouse did try to break up with OW at one point but it was a total disaster & only lasted about a day & was such an emotional trainwreck I said I couldn't take this anymore. We put house on market, divided stuff, I accepted a job in a different town. Got myself mentally prepared to be divorced and alone after 12 year relationship. Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair. It was devastating and heartbreaking but I felt like I had to say no. I needed more time to adjust to the changed circumstances. Aside from the affair, we had a few other major issues to work on. Going through the affair was so painful & I no longer trusted my spouse. So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be).
> 
> I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He would have left anyway. He just wanted the ego boost of you wanting him back too.

He would have stayed a few days - perhaps a week - then said he couldn't leave the OW blah blah blah.

You made a tremendously difficult and courageous decision. It was the right one.

Maybe he will come back begging yet and that is when you should begin working - if you want to.

Good on you for doing the right thing.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Kudos to you. You chose wisely.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Dodged a bullet, more strength to you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You suffered incredible pain for 3 months. I managed a month before it became too much. He was trying to hold on to you and have her. By demanding that you ask him to stay he was simply making sure you were still on the hook. I know that you probably still love him, but sometimes you have to accept that you love somebody but they can not be in your life.
This is a loss, a huge loss and one that will be with you for a long time. You have already taken a huge step towards your new life and things will improve incrementally and almost without you noticing. Give it time. Sorry you are here.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You made the right decision 

He was looking for an ego boost that neither of you could live without him. He lost and didn't she get a prize. 

You have given yourself a gift that you will come to realize in time. The chance to start over minus the cheating arsehole for a partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

stormydays said:


> My spouse was set to leave our house and move out with the OW. Affair started about 8 months ago; D-Day 3 months ago; I tried to convince my spouse to stop so we could rebuild but was always met with anger & irrationality & here are all the reasons it won't work & why OW is better. Spouse lived with me and spent time with me but continued to communicate & see OW. Spouse did try to break up with OW at one point but it was a total disaster & only lasted about a day & was such an emotional trainwreck I said I couldn't take this anymore. We put house on market, divided stuff, I accepted a job in a different town. Got myself mentally prepared to be divorced and alone after 12 year relationship. Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair. It was devastating and heartbreaking but I felt like I had to say no. I needed more time to adjust to the changed circumstances. Aside from the affair, we had a few other major issues to work on. Going through the affair was so painful & I no longer trusted my spouse. So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be).
> 
> I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he really feels like he made a mistake and wants you back.....then he will be back. Stay strong, he needs to come back on the right terms. He doesn't get to make conditions he lost that right. Its a good thing the fog is lifting...you just keep your chin up and let him see what a great thing he lost. He needs to see wgat he lost and how great your doing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

That doesn't really sound like the fog lifting as much as him not wanting to give up his cake. If the fog had lifted he would have kicked OW to the curb period and done whatever you wanted no questions asked and certainly without any conditions placed on you.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair.>>

Much more than unfair. He wanted a backup, you or her, didn't matter to him. I would not say the fog had lifted, it seems it got foggier to me. 

What a ridiculous demand to make, 24 hours, after selling the ho use and while packing, absurd. Don't look back, it is good you are moving on. If he finally rids himself of her, maybe, but not on these terms. Even then, I would always wonder, why me?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You did the right thing, he was fence sitting. Good for you, I'm sure it hurts but you will be happy. The fact that you put your dignity first is something no one can take away or look down on. 

Please try to enjoy the new life you have! Make friends, show the world what a strong and wonderful woman you are


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Stormy,

I am so sorry you are here. It sounds like you were almost in a you are my plan B but maybe plan A person... Nobody should be the second choice. Your spouse made a really bad mistake and choice. You chose wisely. It would hurt no matter what but I think you know that your spouse was so on the fence this would never end. I don't think you would ever be in a scenario where your marriage was where it needs to be for R. I am sorry for you but it will get better. Take care of yourself. Good luck and God bless.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

stormydays said:


> My spouse was set to leave our house and move out with the OW. Affair started about 8 months ago; D-Day 3 months ago; I tried to convince my spouse to stop so we could rebuild but was always met with anger & irrationality & here are all the reasons it won't work & why OW is better. Spouse lived with me and spent time with me but continued to communicate & see OW. Spouse did try to break up with OW at one point but it was a total disaster & only lasted about a day & was such an emotional trainwreck I said I couldn't take this anymore. We put house on market, divided stuff, I accepted a job in a different town. Got myself mentally prepared to be divorced and alone after 12 year relationship. Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair. It was devastating and heartbreaking but I felt like I had to say no. I needed more time to adjust to the changed circumstances. Aside from the affair, we had a few other major issues to work on. Going through the affair was so painful & I no longer trusted my spouse. So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be).
> 
> I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You should be the one defining the terms.. not him. It's laughable that he'd give you a time frame, or lay down any requirements. His requirements should sound like this "I'll do anything you need me to do", after he dumps his OW.

He's still deep in the fog, you did the right thing. This move showed him that you're strong and confident in yourself, and the OW is clingy and needy. +1 for you. How insulting to bring her anywhere near you. Disgusting.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I also think you did the right thing. As a fWH, I can tell you that the others here are absolutely right, his fog had not lifted. "The fog" is the cheater's false impression that his relationship with the AP is real and that the good feelings he has are something more than subtsanceless fantasy. If he had truly snapped out of the fog, he wouldn't have even considered going with the OW, regardless of what you chose to do, because he would have known there was nothing real with the OW worth following.

The fact that he wasn't willing to throw himself at your feet unconditionally showed that he was not in the right frame of mind to seek any kind of reconciliation with you. From my experience, the WS really has to be totally committed to winning the BS back; he has to be willing to make the all or nothing bet and put everything he has into R or it just won't work.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree and like all of the previous posts.

My perspective is that you avoided a huge amount of heartache and suffering. The idea that he wanted you at the last minute would not be enough in the long run.

It seems most BSs start out wanting to hold on. Over time and through the struggles of R, the BS goes through the stages of grief. The panic and denial changes to hurt, the hurt to anger, and so forth....it usually ends with the BS accepting the idea that they have a deeply flawed WS.

You, my dear, have leap-frogged over the state of limbo where most of us struggle. It is very difficult making the hard decision to end a R and file for a D.

I am sure the loss has left you hurt and suffering. My opinion is that you have saved yourself a long, hellish time in that place where you just don't know what to do.

When you feel strong enough, I would suggest you spend time rediscovering your life. Try new things, try some of things you haven't had time for, find new friends, look-up old friends, date, etc. 

The future is bright. Your present may be tough, but you will get to a good place, as you look ahead.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

stormydays said:


> My spouse was set to leave our house and move out with the OW. Affair started about 8 months ago; D-Day 3 months ago; I tried to convince my spouse to stop so we could rebuild but was always met with anger & irrationality & here are all the reasons it won't work & why OW is better. Spouse lived with me and spent time with me but continued to communicate & see OW. Spouse did try to break up with OW at one point but it was a total disaster & only lasted about a day & was such an emotional trainwreck I said I couldn't take this anymore. We put house on market, divided stuff, I accepted a job in a different town. Got myself mentally prepared to be divorced and alone after 12 year relationship. Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. In other words, my spouse wouldn't let the OW go unless I said yes, and I only had a day to decide. I felt this was unfair. It was devastating and heartbreaking but I felt like I had to say no. I needed more time to adjust to the changed circumstances. Aside from the affair, we had a few other major issues to work on. Going through the affair was so painful & I no longer trusted my spouse. So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be).
> 
> I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




*Then when literally packing the moving truck my spouse stopped everything and called me saying that it was all a mistake. My spouse begged me to return, admitted making an unforgivable mistake, was suddenly insightful and self-aware and willing to work on things, go to therapy, etc. The fog had lifted, finally. I was shocked. But the catch was I had to say "yes, come back, let's try to make this work" immediately. If I didn't, my spouse would leave with the OW because she was a sure thing. *

No fog lifting. None at all. Cake eating, more lies, more deceit, it was all just a mind game.

*So I said no and my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be). *

Your husband is one big arse. He did not reluctantly do anything. He willfully left with the OW. He made a conscience decision to bring her along anf I ask, for what reason?

The complete humiliation these WS's put us BS'ers through is just incredible. And we shall see what a "sure thing" this gal really is down the road. 

Hang in there. It will get worse for a while but there will one day be a brighter day.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You absolutely made the right decision.

In fact, I would have told him that I would not make any promises about R, even if he dumped her and went no contact. But, that would have to happen for me to even consider it.

What a low life coward. You may not realize it now, but you'll be better off in the long run. Best of luck to you.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

stormydays said:


> I miss my spouse--whom I still love very much--terribly. I don't know if I made a mistake or not. I would just like some outside perceptions on this situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like he was just stringing you along, and that he was the one that wasn't ready to make a decision between the 2 of you. Can’t do it with a gun to your head. You made the right choice, just because he says he wants to come back does not mean that everything is fine and back in order. The real trouble starts when he returns, Continue to move on, you will be fine.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

stormydays said:


> my spouse very very reluctantly left with the OW (who--weeping & pleading the whole time--had waited around to see what my decision would be).


And what a piece of work this OW is. Willing to wait on him to make a decision between going back to his wife or be with her. It makes me wonder if he even told her the truth about that. If so, one can't but me amazed at the level of desperation and lack of morals needed to do that.

I'd probably be tempted to send the OW a note asking her as much. I said "tempted".

I'm sure he'll dump her down the road and come begging you back. Almost as sure as he would have done the same thing to you if you allowed him back in your life.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

badmemory said:


> And what a piece of work this OW is. Willing to wait on him to make a decision between going back to his wife or be with her. It makes me wonder if he even told her the truth about that. If so, one can't but me amazed at the level of desperation and lack of morals needed to do that.
> 
> I'd probably be tempted to send the OW a note asking her as much. I said "tempted".
> 
> I'm sure he'll dump her down the road and come begging you back. Almost as sure as he would have done the same thing to you if you allowed him back in your life.


I was thinking about this OW since I first read it this morning.

What a sad thing. She is willing to help a man destroy his marriage, then wait for him to chose her as she pleads with him. She is now the plan b, imo.

He will tire of her, and she probably will resent his lack of commitment at the start of their now "exclusive" relationship.

This is all in contrast with the things we read from Stormydays. She acted with courage and conviction. She stood her ground and on her principles.

Hopefully in the long run Stormydays will have the type of spouse that will be her equal. Someone with honor and honesty.

Stormydays, you made the right decision.


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## stormydays (May 31, 2013)

Thank you for your comments and encouraging words. It was heartbreaking, and probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I really do love my former spouse. But I have felt a sense of calm since he left that I haven't felt in months.

The OW was painfully aware of what was happening. She was absolutely Plan B at that moment. She is MUCH younger than we are, and clearly has some abandonment / self-esteem issues.


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