# Sticky situation



## T_B (Oct 12, 2011)

I've been wrestling with a problem for awhile, and have been considering seeing a therapist to talk things over, but I thought I'd try a place like this first. I haven't talked about this with anyone at all, so excuse me if it's a little rambling.

My wife and I have been married for just over three years. She suffers from an anxiety/panic disorder where she will become very anxious and then get a panic attack with physical symptoms like hyperventilation, dizziness, etc. This has led to borderline agoraphobia. When it's bad, it's hard for her to leave the house. When it's not so bad, which is most of the time, she can go out on her own to familiar places like the store, the gym, etc. and we get to go on the occasional vacation. The relevant point is, she relies on me a lot, and she stays at home on the computer a lot and we don't have a lot of real-life friends.

During our marriage, there have been several times where she was unfaithful, at least by my standards (that has been a point of argument between us). Most of these have been "cybersex" or intimate phone call type situations, although once she was drunk and kissed an old friend of hers. Except for that, it has been people she meets online on Youtube, Tumblr, etc.

The pattern was she would engage in this behavior, then a day or two later feel guilty about it and tell me. I was hurt, she promised not to do it again, and I moved on because in the end, it wasn't really that big a deal. It did teach me to be wary of anyone she's texting constantly. 

A couple of months ago, someone she met online who lives not too far away came up and visited her. She didn't want me to be around, she just went and had lunch with him and shopped or whatever and then he went home. I was extremely worried about what was going to happen, but nothing did happen, so great.

Recently, he visited again, and something did happen. She went and hung out at his hotel until about midnight, got drunk, and the next day told me about it. Surprisingly, I didn't have a lot of emotion over it like I usually do. I think I'm just used to it, and that is not where I want to be.

She told me that the experience made her realize how important our marriage was to her, that she would never do it again, and that she would never talk to the guy again. I looked at our cell phone bill today and she is still texting with him constantly.

So I'm torn now. On one level, it's obvious to me that I should leave her. I'm not happy, I can't take these constant little infidelities, and it's not the kind of marriage I want to have. Now she's talking about starting a family next year, and I can't imagine having kids with her anymore. 

On the other hand, she almost completely relies on me for financial and emotional support. Even if we worked out some amount of financial support from me after a divorce, she doesn't think she's capable of living on her own anymore, and I don't know either.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think you already know the answer. It's pretty clear you are getting nothing out of this relationship, and nor is she. So she is going elsewhere, online, and now in person. 

She very likely slept with that friend at the hotel. She has no moral or marital boundaries and is completely disrespecting you by her behavior. And frankly, you have been way too nice with her past cybersex, etc. That is cheating!! Helloooo!!! Since you let her get away with it, she's pushing the boundaries even further. It's been going on your entire marriage and you've given her absolutely ZERO consequences.

Dump her, or else accept your marriage as it stands.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow- for starters you really are minimizing her infidelity
secondly- you haven't shown her consequences anytime she does cheat
thirdly- don't think for a second that she hasn't physically cheated on you
lastly- altho she has a disability, that is her problem, she knows what she did and risked it anyway. Stop being so nice and understanding and start fighting for yourself


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

T_B said:


> On the other hand, she almost completely relies on me for financial and emotional support. Even if we worked out some amount of financial support from me after a divorce, she doesn't think she's capable of living on her own anymore, and I don't know either.


She sure has a funny way of showing you how appreciative she is for all you provide and do for her...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, she is meeting up at this guys hotel and having sex and you call it a little infidelity?

You know this is deeply wrong and that she is flat out cheating on you.

Kick her out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow- for starters you really are minimizing her infidelity
> secondly- you haven't shown her consequences anytime she does cheat
> thirdly- don't think for a second that she hasn't physically cheated on you
> lastly- altho she has a disability, that is her problem, she knows what she did and risked it anyway. Stop being so nice and understanding and start fighting for yourself


This^^^

You've got to A) decide just to split, B) decide to live with it and get over it, C) lay down some consequences for her cheating (and yes the cyber stuff was cheating) and then enforce them is she doesn't cut ALL of it out and do what you need to reconcile. Option C is the only one that has any possibility of saving your marriage.


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## T_B (Oct 12, 2011)

Yeah, I think I just needed to hear this stuff. Thanks


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

T_B said:


> My wife and I have been married for just over three years. *She suffers from an anxiety/panic disorder where she will become very anxious and then get a panic attack with physical symptoms like hyperventilation, dizziness, etc.* This has led to borderline agoraphobia. When it's bad, it's hard for her to leave the house. When it's not so bad, which is most of the time, she can go out on her own to familiar places like the store, the gym, etc. and we get to go on the occasional vacation. The relevant point is, she relies on me a lot, and she stays at home on the computer a lot and we don't have a lot of real-life friends.


You know, I would think that she knows her affairs and extra-marital encounters are improper. Her improper behavior is probably the source of her anxiety. But she doesn't care. The thrill outweighs her moral needs.

You have been married only 3 years. And she already has these many betrayals?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

T_B said:


> Yeah, I think I just needed to hear this stuff. Thanks


Everyone here has been in your shoes in some fashion, and there are those helpful people who have been on the other side. 

For one thing, there doesnt need to be sexual contact for it to be an affair. She had several Emotional Affairs (EAs) at the very least. Next, she hung out at his hotel and got drunk, and nothing happened? I hope you're not buying that. She didn't go there to play checkers with him. Aparently her agoraphobia isn't severe enough to prevent her from going to a hotel with another man. Please stop trying to minimize her affairs. Please stop being in denial.

Now she has a pattern of cheating, then saying sorry, then cheating again. She knows she can do what she wants because you won't do anything about it and simply just sweep it under the rug. What if you contract an incurable STD? How long are you going to put up with this disrespect? Whether you know it or not, you're in an open marriage and sharing your WW with an OM, the one that she's texting constantly. Its up to you to decide what to do.

OT: Is it just me, or does it seem that so many of these WSs have some sort of condition (depression, anxiety, etc) that the BS seems to use to justify their WSs affair?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's pretty unique form of agoraphobia. Can't be out of the house unless she's underneath some guy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_This has led to borderline agoraphobia. When it's bad, it's hard for her to leave the house_

Well apparently it's not so bad if she can go meet other dudes and their hotel rooms and cheat on you.


_*She told me that the experience made her realize how important our marriage was to her, that she would never do it again, **and that she would never talk to the guy again*.* I looked at our cell phone bill today and she is still texting with him constantly*._

Ka-ching. SO now you know she wasn't committed to no contact with the guy.

This is way too much drama for only 3 years of marriage.

My advice is to move on and for the LOVE of everything good, do NOT get her pregnant. 

She is gaslighting you. Big time. She uses her panic attacks and 'agoraphobia' to guilt you into staying with her and also her "woe is me" about not being able to be alone.

Whatever. She is playing you. And you are eating it up as long as you keep accepting it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and she prob did fool around with him in the hotel so DO get tested for STDs asap.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am so sorry for you. She constantly lies to your face and continues to engage in online cheating on you. She is married and meets with her new boyfriend twice and hangs out at a hotel until midnight having sex with him. Hello she is married. She is making you look like a total fool.

She wants to have a family now with you because she knows you would be stuck and would not be able to leave. She clearly has absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. She is playing you for a complete fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Please do the following:
1. Get checked for STD's.
2. See a lawyer and get out of this hell of a marriage. How many times are you going to allow her to make you look like a total idiot?
Good luck.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, she isn't wife of the year material. 

All of this drama and nonsense in just a few years? 

Tell her to find youtube boy and let him help her out.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, she slept with this guy. You know it and I know it. She has shown you nothing but disrespect. Your marriage was over once the two of you became three.

She did this, not you. She needs to deal with what she's done. Don't let her make you a clueless cuckold.

See a lawyer and see what your options are.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You deserve better. Denial is a powerful thing. Don't feel dumb because at some point we have all done it. Just some of us are further along and from a distance it is really, really obvious.

I would expect this to be a tough. She feels entitled to this and expects you to love her anyway.


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