# Has anyone gotten past emotional abuse?



## JerzeyM (Oct 7, 2020)

Hello all. Married coming up on 10 years, with 3 children 7, 6, 1. My wife asked for a trial separation 6 months into coronavirus where I am working from home and in the middle of a major home renovation. I am in Therapy and she is as well. She says she is numb to me and lost. Looking back at what she said I missed so many signs, I took my anger out at home, no physical violence, but I was angry and I made comments pinning the blame of my frustrations on her. It was wrong and I never filled her cup. I see now I caused all this pain, and I don't know if she can ever forgive me. 

My kids are now living with her at my in-laws as I oversee the renovation. It should be complete within 2 weeks, they will move back home\ and I will move to my apartment in DC or my parents in town. I am scared that moving out (without the cover of the renovation) is throwing in the towel. I get i have had some form of depression or issue for at least 3/4 years, and I am only now seeking treatment have met with 2 doctors over the past 3 weeks and started new medicine. I am just wondering has anyone ever been able to reconcile with their spouse after being emotionally abusive? 

I am preparing myself that she may say she is done, no chance of counseling and working on the marriage. I am not going to fight over assets, I will provide for my family and she is my children's mother. But I am looking to see if I am holding out hope when there is none. It sucks to know i have lost my wife, because I was too stubborn to talk to a counselor and manage my work stress. How do you all manage the isolation and the lack of contact with your children during the separation?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Couples can recover from abuse, I know of several who have, but it's not a quick or easy process and there are no guarantees. You can learn how to manage your stress, anger, emotions, insecurities, etc. and your wife can learn how to establish and enforce boundaries, but that doesn't mean you will stay together. Or you could stay together, but that doesn't mean you will actually heal or improve the marriage.

I assume your wife initiated the separation recently. Right now you are being forced to face the reality of your actions and it's making you scramble to fix everything. That feeling doesn't last forever. In my experience it disappears pretty quickly once you feel like you have control of the situation again. Once the feeling is gone, sometimes so is the drive to fix the problems.

It is going to take a very long time for you to prove that you've changed, and right now you haven't. Being scared into change isn't the same thing as actually changing. So don't tell her any of the "I've changed!!" crap because it's a flat out lie right now and won't do you any favors. I had an anger management therapist tell me that it takes 12 months from the last "incident" for an abusive person to be considered safe. He was speaking about physical abuse but I think that applies to emotional as well.

Your wife may very well be completely done at this point, but therapists do sometimes encourage separations when abuse enters the picture. If your wife's goal of the "trial separation" is to see what life is like without you and do no work on the marriage during that time, then it's probably over or on the way there. Therapists do recommend separations when there is abuse involved, but they NEED be planned out, have rules for new partners, level of contact, etc., have a time limit, and usually include weekly marriage therapy (and sometimes date nights and things like that _eventually_). One of the therapists I see said a separation should be at least 6 weeks but not more than 6 months, I think (my memory isn't great), and weekly marriage counseling was part of that to at minimum talk about the status of the separation. There does need to be more of a focus on the individual therapy right now.

Something you may want to look into is if there is another man in the picture. I'm not saying there is, your wife had valid reasons for the separation, but you may just want to investigate that a little bit to be sure. Sometimes (abuse or not) another guy is what pushes the woman to want a separation. It's impossible to work on your marriage if someone else is in the picture.

Remember, you are separating from or divorcing your wife... NOT your children. You still have to make sure you have regular access to them and time should be split 50/50. Supporting them financially is not enough, you need to be present in their lives as well. Do not roll over and give your wife whatever she wants just because you feel guilty about your behavior. Make sure you talk to your kids about your behavior, why it was wrong, and what you are doing about it. They pick up on far more than you realize.

As for feeling isolated, spend time with friends, family, neighbors, etc. Go for walks and really notice the world around you, and do other things to stay active. If you need to meet new people you can go to sites like meetup.com or volunteermatch.org. You can find likeminded people and many of those groups/volunteer opportunities are meeting online right now.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Your W is going to continue to say it's all your fault, but don't listen to her there.

Realize it's not all your fault, maybe hardly at all. She wants to blame shift, that's a surety. 

Start from there.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

I never liked that term ‘emotional abuse.’ What falls under that category? Is yelling ‘emotional abuse’? Is being straight up and telling someone point blank that they’re perhaps irritating as hell ‘emotional abuse’?

I think real talk people should stick with real talk people and those of a more fragile nature should stick with someone who is equally as tender.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Your W is going to continue to say it's all your fault, but don't listen to her there.
> 
> Realize it's not all your fault, maybe hardly at all. She wants to blame shift, that's a surety.
> 
> Start from there.


How is taking his anger out on the wife, blaming her for everything, and not "filling her cup" the wife's fault? That's entirely on the OP.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

C.C. says ... said:


> I never liked that term ‘emotional abuse.’ What falls under that category? Is yelling ‘emotional abuse’? Is being straight up and telling someone point blank that they’re perhaps irritating as hell ‘emotional abuse’?
> 
> I think real talk people should stick with real talk people and those of a more fragile nature should stick with someone who is equally as tender.


This thread has some conversation about what emotional abuse is: Emotional Abuse...?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

JerzeyM said:


> Hello all. Married coming up on 10 years, with 3 children 7, 6, 1. My wife asked for a trial separation 6 months into coronavirus where I am working from home and in the middle of a major home renovation. I am in Therapy and she is as well. She says she is numb to me and lost. Looking back at what she said I missed so many signs, I took my anger out at home, no physical violence, but I was angry and I made comments pinning the blame of my frustrations on her. It was wrong and I never filled her cup. I see now I caused all this pain, and I don't know if she can ever forgive me.
> 
> My kids are now living with her at my in-laws as I oversee the renovation. It should be complete within 2 weeks, they will move back home\ and I will move to my apartment in DC or my parents in town. I am scared that moving out (without the cover of the renovation) is throwing in the towel. I get i have had some form of depression or issue for at least 3/4 years, and I am only now seeking treatment have met with 2 doctors over the past 3 weeks and started new medicine. I am just wondering has anyone ever been able to reconcile with their spouse after being emotionally abusive?
> 
> I am preparing myself that she may say she is done, no chance of counseling and working on the marriage. I am not going to fight over assets, I will provide for my family and she is my children's mother. But I am looking to see if I am holding out hope when there is none. It sucks to know i have lost my wife, because I was too stubborn to talk to a counselor and manage my work stress. How do you all manage the isolation and the lack of contact with your children during the separation?


Hi, thanks for sharing your story. 
I think it really depends on her. Has she truly had enough? It seems like it based on what you say. It would seem that her 'signs' have fallen on deaf ears for a long time. However, did she ever communicate directly/clearly with you about her grievances? I think it's important for her to have been forthcoming with you (albeit not always easy) and hopefully she has been; if she hasn't, she shouldn't expect you to read signs.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Really all you can do is let her know that you are in counseling to try to fix your anger and abuse problems. Then if there's a time down the road when you really think you have it licked, let her know that. Good luck.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It seems like a nasty cycle where wives aren't ready to leave until there's no going back so they don't make clear how serious their issues are, but husbands so often don't hear until she leaves.

And then any effort he makes is seen by her as efforts to keep his life from blowing up, not concern for her. A lot of men know they're not treating their wife as well as they could, they just figure she's not going anywhere

We need a way to get these guys to take this stuff seriously while his wife is still invested. And we need to get women to take a proverbial baseball bat to their husbands head so he can address things while she's still invested.

My kids father, who was quite nasty to me and both emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, actually looked me in the face and said he thought we were in this "come hell or high water". To me that meant that it didn't matter how he treated me because in his mind i wasn't going anywhere. Wrong.

In any case, OP, I think it's imperative that you focus right now on the kind of man you want to be rather than getting your wife back. That will help your changes stick and maybe if she sees that she'll want back in. You don't control her....you do control you, and you want her to come back freely. That's assuming you want her back....once you're apart you might come to think that the marriage wasn't as good for you as you thought.

Take some time to reflect.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

C.C. says ... said:


> I never liked that term ‘emotional abuse.’ What falls under that category? Is yelling ‘emotional abuse’? Is being straight up and telling someone point blank that they’re perhaps irritating as hell ‘emotional abuse’?


Yes, yelling and/or letting any vile thought that comes into your head come out of your mouth is abusive. End of story.

Self-control is a virtue.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Red Sonja said:


> Yes, yelling and/or letting any vile thought that comes into your head come out of your mouth is abusive. End of story.
> 
> Self-control is a virtue.


Says you. I prefer my virtue to come with some (figurative) balls.

You know what else is a virtue? Not telling someone else what the end of _their_ story is. It’s a bit pompous.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When a woman says she’s done, she usually is. She may change her mind if she sees effort on your part but she may not.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

C.C. says ... said:


> Says you. I prefer my virtue to come with some (figurative) balls.


Self-control and "having balls" are not mutually exclusive, also "having balls" does not equate to "having a tantrum" (i.e. yelling and having no filter).

YMMV


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Red Sonja said:


> Self-control and "having balls" are not mutually exclusive, also "having balls" does not equate to "having a tantrum" (i.e. yelling and having no filter).
> 
> YMMV


Nobody said anything about a temper tantrum. You come in acting like a puffed up blowfish telling someone else what _their_ end story is. Not cool. I voiced my opinion like everybody else on this thread. I prefer the types of friends/lovers that I don’t have to coddle and that don’t have to coddle me. If you’re not, then you’re entitled to your own opinion and that’s it. I didn’t say berate your significant other until they’re cowering in the corner. But being so fragile that you can’t deal with a raised voice or a bad word here and there probably isn’t doing anybody any favors. 

Trust me I have a filter. In fact, I’m utilizing it right now.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just think once you get to the point in a relationship where someone is emotionally abusive to you, whether it be unnecessary yelling or feeling the need to criticize you to make them self feel better and just saying hurtful things to be saying them, it's just time to fold it up and leave. No one wants to spend their time with someone who's hurting their feelings or scaring them with yelling or making them feel terrible because they're critical of them. If you can't love someone don't stay with them


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Yea, I think on this topic, I’m always thinking of a different situation than others are. -_edit TMI_- I’ll pass when this topic comes up again lol.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Whoever has abusive tendencies for whatever reason --and there usually always is a reason--it's on them to work on themselves in therapy to fix themselves and not expect someone else to put up with their abuse. Sometimes people from abusive families just continue the cycle and to them all that abuse is normal and I guess they think other people should just put up with it, but the healthier response is to rebel against it and go sort it out in therapy so you don't continue the cycle. 

The original poster is trying to work on it now but of course that could take a very long time or he could give up on it and not stick with it. There's just no reason to stay with someone who's abusive. You need to choose people who enhance your life, not just make your life a struggle.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

JerzeyM said:


> I took my anger out at home, no physical violence, but I was angry and I made comments pinning the blame of my frustrations on her. It was wrong and I never filled her cup. I see now I caused all this pain.
> 
> I get i have had some form of depression or issue for at least 3/4 years, and I am only now seeking treatment have met with 2 doctors over the past 3 weeks and started new medicine. I am just wondering has anyone ever been able to reconcile with their spouse after being emotionally abusive?


Depression is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and it shouldn't be used as such.

My Dad, who wasn't perfect by any means, is my hero for staying with my mum during her severe, clinical depression and not divorcing her. It went on for years, the emotional cruelty and venom that she would spit out both at him and to a lesser extent, my brothers and I, was next level. Their marriage was literally pushed to the brink, and had she ever relapsed, Im not sure it would have survived it a second time.

She nursed him beautifully when he was dying, he got perfect, first class care from her at home. And you know what? She owed him.

I love my Mum, don't get me wrong, I understand that she was ill, and that in the moment she couldn't control herself. What I also understand is that she WAS responsible for her behaviour and words, and she owes us all a heartfelt apology for it. Her absolute refusal to do so, both at the time and to this day, because "I was mentally ill, I'm not responsible for what I said and did" has permanently damaged our relationship. We would be so much closer if she had, or even if she did now. To this day, 25 years later, I am unable to physically comfort my own Mum. When my dad died, I still couldn't even hug her. Her behaviour and refusal to own it and it's impact on everyone around her, did that.

You owe your wife a heartfelt, sincere apology, with not a single excuse for your behaviour. You need to make it clear to her that you get it. You get the pain, hurt and resentment that she now holds for you through your behaviour. You need to SHOW her that you are getting treatment and that it is 100% on you to do so and continue it. You have to do this if you are to have a fighting chance of saving this, if not your marriage, for the sake of your relationship with your daughter.

To be honest, it's probably too late - once a woman is done, she's done.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JerzeyM said:


> Hello all. Married coming up on 10 years, with 3 children 7, 6, 1. My wife asked for a trial separation 6 months into coronavirus where I am working from home and in the middle of a major home renovation. I am in Therapy and she is as well. She says she is numb to me and lost. Looking back at what she said I missed so many signs, I took my anger out at home, no physical violence, but I was angry and I made comments pinning the blame of my frustrations on her. It was wrong and I never filled her cup. I see now I caused all this pain, and I don't know if she can ever forgive me.
> 
> My kids are now living with her at my in-laws as I oversee the renovation. It should be complete within 2 weeks, they will move back home\ and I will move to my apartment in DC or my parents in town. I am scared that moving out (without the cover of the renovation) is throwing in the towel. I get i have had some form of depression or issue for at least 3/4 years, and I am only now seeking treatment have met with 2 doctors over the past 3 weeks and started new medicine. I am just wondering has anyone ever been able to reconcile with their spouse after being emotionally abusive?
> 
> I am preparing myself that she may say she is done, no chance of counseling and working on the marriage. I am not going to fight over assets, I will provide for my family and she is my children's mother. But I am looking to see if I am holding out hope when there is none. It sucks to know i have lost my wife, because I was too stubborn to talk to a counselor and manage my work stress. How do you all manage the isolation and the lack of contact with your children during the separation?


Make your motivation to be a better, honorable person and man. Don't worry about if your wife gets over it or not. Make the change lasting for the rest of your life. 

Did you apologize to your wife?

In that way even if your wife doesn't get over it, you will still have a better relationship with your kids and whoever else comes into your life. 

This will be hard work but this is what you do. Controlling your emotions is like taking a shower. We shower so people don't have to smell our stink. same goes for our misplaced anger. Unfortunately if you had taken a different tact your wife could have been a resource for you.

No matter what your kids will be in your life for as long as you are on this earth unless you continue down this path and they cut you out when they are older. You need to work to make that better.

Have you apologized to them? Start there. Are you calling them, talking to them, reaching out to them while they are away from you? Nothing should stop that. You are the adult in that relationship, how much interaction you have with them is up to you.

My stepfather was very much like you. Honestly it was a living nightmare, I couldn't wait to get out. Lived with him my teenage years. They divorced and I don't have any contact with him. 

You may not have physically abused your wife, but you abused her make no mistake. Living in a house where there is no peace is one of the worst things anyone can go through. 

You are a Man, Father and Husband. We are supposed to provide for our family. We don't provide Money, unfortunately for lots of men that translates into money. That is a part of it for sure, but what we we are supposed to provide, is safety and peace. It was always your job to make your home a place for them to feel free. When you take your anger out on them and your wife you rob them of the one place where they should know without a shadow of a doubt they can be comfortable. Doing this is our honor. It's what we were designed to do. That is your mission. It's that import. 

If you want to have a great relationship with your kids and this wife or if not her the next one. That needs to be a primary part of your function. Frankly that is our honor to do that. 

All of this is in your hands. You may lose this wife, but If you make a real long lasting change your kids will see and will want to be with their father.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> It seems like a nasty cycle where wives aren't ready to leave until there's no going back so they don't make clear how serious their issues are, but husbands so often don't hear until she leaves.


This is absolutely true!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Make your motivation to be a better, honorable person and man. Don't worry about if your wife gets over it or not. Make the change lasting for the rest of your life.
> 
> Did you apologize to your wife?
> 
> ...


I like this. A lot of men don't realize that women are afraid of mens anger even if he isn't physically threatening.

We look to our men to reassure us and when they are angry we find that frightening.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

My W has said similar. 

She has always also said I have to sleep sometime, and I'm quite sure she'd kill me in my sleep.

She also puts my food on a plate. One never knows about that extra jar of Drano. 😂😂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's absolutely terrifying for kids to have someone raging in the house. I speak from firsthand experience. My mom and dad would get into big yelling fights and say nasty things to each other and threatening things. I didn't know it until he did it again when I was 12 but he had hit her when I was three. But even before I knew that every time he got up at night and went down the hall, I worried that he was going to go shoot my mother. 

When I was 12 he did hit her, and after that when he got up and went down the hall I would go into his closet to make sure his rifle was still there. 

Emotional abuse is devastating. The whole household lives in fear of what will happen next. I was tied up in knots and tried to stay outside as much as possible because it's the only place I felt I could breathe. People uncontrolled rage should never have children and shouldn't marry anyone who isn't aware of it first. And no one should marry anyone thinking they're going to change because some of that stuff is ingrained in them since childhood.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The older I get the less I get angry. I still remember last years rage (maybe 2 years ago). I went for a very long and difficult drive. Yes the women in my life wondered If / when I would return. They did not wonder what I would break when I returned. Now having uncovered my sins I can comment on the post at hand.



JerzeyM said:


> Hello all. -snip- I took my anger out at home, no physical violence, but I was angry and I made comments pinning the blame of my frustrations on her. It was wrong and I never filled her cup. I see now I caused all this pain, and I don't know if she can ever forgive me.
> -snip-


Now this thread has wandered all over physical violence which we have no evidence of. #1 he made comments. #2 he pinned blame. #3 he never filled her cup.
Now if we are going to address this question, If we are going to be of any help at all. . . we have to address these three complaints.
#1 I don't know anyone who doesn't make comments. Generally if has has avoided using the swearing kind of names. If he has been reasonable much of this is "communication".
#2 now we are getting into a thing that needs to be fixed. Constructive criticism is a myth that no one really understands how to do. When a couple faces problems together instead of trying to assign fault things improve. The blame game just makes one person feel better than the other. And that is not the goal of marital communication. 
#3 This is where I have experience. This is the heart of most of the abuse that really happens. it's not flashy and it's easy to miss and for some reason we get over it. But when someone says that their cup is never full than the kind of abuse we are talking about is neglect. Sometimes married people get so involved in their kids, or work, or hobbies , or friends, or affairs, that they neglect the emotional needs of their partner. Some couples can recover from this with a refill of love. If they can learn to focus on eachother, Then as needs get met, Love can return. Trust can be built. 
But not always if it goes on too long, if the pleas for attention are ignored so blatantly, if the lonely partner comed to the realization of this Truth "that Hate is not the opposite of love, but that the true opposite of love is indifference" When a couple gets to that place then the love and trust are gone and they are worse than strangers. They are people who have abandoned each other.
So Jerzey, before you give up you need to evaluate where you are. Asking for a separation is not a good sign. In fact it is a move to abandon you.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

C.C. says ... said:


> Nobody said anything about a temper tantrum. You come in acting like a puffed up blowfish telling someone else what _their_ end story is. Not cool. I voiced my opinion like everybody else on this thread. I prefer the types of friends/lovers that I don’t have to coddle and that don’t have to coddle me. If you’re not, then you’re entitled to your own opinion and that’s it. I didn’t say berate your significant other until they’re cowering in the corner. But being so fragile that you can’t deal with a raised voice or a bad word here and there probably isn’t doing anybody any favors.
> 
> Trust me I have a filter. In fact, I’m utilizing it right now.


You misinterpret the phrase "end of story".

Name-calling is not an argument or discussion, if you wish me to explain then you must stop maligning my persona. Your choice.


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