# Trying to make her love me again!



## Akihisa (Apr 30, 2013)

Hello everyone. My wife and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7. She is 27 and I'm 28. When we meet, we were both wild childs. I was into pushing everything to the limit, not worrying about death or consequences. She was a party animal just living to get plastered and sexed. We meet at work. I always thought she was beautiful from the day I first saw her. She was in a relationship with the same type of party animal as she. I could tell she wasn't happy with him, but I am very shy. After about a year of working together, I was at a friends garage getting my race car ready for the next event. She showed up because my friend and her were doing it. She came down to the shop and started annoying me like a girl in middle school with a crush on you would do. So that weekend we put the car on the street, went to the mountains and played around. Got back to town and she said she loved that and made the moves on me. We had sex and then she wanted nothing to do with me for the next month. Then suddenly, one late night, she knocked on my door just bawling tears. I could tell she was wasted. She kept telling me over and over how much she hated who she had turned into. She kept trying to get my pants off, but I told her no. Finally she would just go to sleep in my arms. This happened every night for a few weeks. I told her that she IS a better person than that. Then we started to date. I myself had never been in love or even said "I love you" to any body in my entire life. About two months into it I told her how a felt and that she had made me a better person, taught me to care about myself and that a loved her. She cried and said that was the only time she felt like anyone honestly meant it. A month later, I surprised her with a fling trip in the racecar to Deals Gap. I had been planning this for a bit. We got a hotel room at night and the next day hit the curves. When we got to The Overlook, I parked, asked her to sit on the rock ledge and told her what she meant to me. I then got on one knee, held her hand and asked if she would be my wife. At first she thought I was screwing off but I started to tear up. She realized it was for real and gave me the biggest hug ever and said yes, yes, yes. Now I never my whole life had ever even thought for a second about marriage until I meet her. I'm, I guess, what you'd call a loner. Iwas never close with family, have poor social skills, wouldn't ever hug even a family member and my only friends were my bikes and cars. She is the one that showed me what I was missing in life, love. Fast forward through the years and I started doing drugs, messing up good opportunities and brought her into it. We had tried to get clean a few times but would always start using again. Until last December. She got a decent job and said she wasn't going to mess it up again with that. I said, yes it's time we grew up. So we stopped and had money to spare, but it seemed like something wasn't right. For Christmas we had already planned for me to go to Florida and see my mom, who is battling breast and skin cancer, and her to stay in town for her family who came up from Florida. We talked every night and it was almost like when we first meet. When I got back, a few days later, I got to our house and she wasn't there. Called her in the driveway and didn't answer. Got inside and I noticed the storage closet was rummaged through. Got to the bedroom and half her things weren't there and a note was on the bed saying "We need to talk". She ended up showing up a short time later. She look cold, distant and no emotions. She told me that it was the drugs that was holding us together and she needed time. During our marriage she had made me so upset and angry a few times that I had said we needed to divorce. I would say I was going to my shop to sleep on the couch and think. She would cry and plead and keep me from leaving, saying we could work things out and she is still head over heels in love with me. I would agree and see a difference in her, but it wouldn't last. Now, the tables have turned. She is the one asking for divorce and saying she loves me, but isn't IN love with me. I thought we were really making progress and then this? I am in love with her more now than I was when we started. Previously I was so clouded by being depressed and drugs I couldn't show it. Now I do! I tell her she is beautiful again like when we were dating. I do small trivial things that used to make her break down and give me giant hugs and kisses. Now nothing, no emotion. It's like somebody just pet her puppy in a microwave and instead of dealing with the emotions, she locked her soul and threw away the key. She will stay out our house for several days and it will be wonderful! Then, all of the sudden, she gets the soulless look on her face and says she is going back to her parents. I'm like WTF?!? Now she meet a woman at her work who she used to party with before me. They go out to a country bar every single weekend. I asked her if I could go and see if I like it. She says NO you dont like crowds and besides you're banned from there because you call me and ruin my night when I'm there. She said this is who she is and I cahnged her into somebody else. It's not though. I hated it for her when she would cry to me after getting wasted. That's who I feel in love with. Anyways, she says she needs time to think and leave her alone, but I can't. She left just enough belongings at the house that no matter where I look, there's something that reminds me of the great times we had. When I sit alone, in the house, looking, thinking, it drives me nuts! How can I show that I am madly in love with her still!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm really sorry your here. As your about to find out, your not alone, and this is a pretty common tale. I don't want to hurt your feelings, im only here to go over with you the averages. Theres probably another man involved thou, it may or may not be physical at this point. I understand you love your wife, but first thing you need to realize is that version of your wife and that marriage is forever OVER! 

Now that doesn't mean this cant work out, but it does mean that things are about to change pretty dramatically in your life. Your gonna need to find some outlets/hobbies/friends to get you thru the tough times. 

Your prob gonna need to pick up a copy of divorce busters. Start the 180 plan NOW : The Healing Heart: The 180
ITS VERY IMPORTANT that you be strong right now, not weak/crying/begging. Don't give in to that temptation cause it will only make you look weak. You need to put the façade on that your strong and willing to move on. Don't be afraid to come to the website for all the advice, tips, strats, or just to vent after a long day. Good luck


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## Akihisa (Apr 30, 2013)

When I'm doing a hobby, all I can think of is her if I take my mind off for a split second. I am an extremely strong person. Would never show emotion. Didn't know how to before. I can't feel physical pain and she said how can i know emotional anguish if I can't feel pain? Well, I can and it sucks


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

The 180 is about working on yourself while keeping as much distance as possible. Thats what u need right now. Distance. Use the time adaddress your needs, work on your faults. You cant force her to feel for you. But u can work on yourself so that she can see the new you. But its gradual. Theres no such thing as over night success you have to be in it for the long haul. Or move on now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akihisa (Apr 30, 2013)

The thing is, I have never really cared about myself. She is the one that made me care about myself! I've always thought I was fugly, but girls I went to school with say they had crushes on me know and I was cute. If they did, why couldn't they say anything before? That would have really boosted my self esteem. I've either been too smart too hang around the nerds, dressed too punk too hang around ********, talk too country too hang around punks, the list goes on. I have only had one true friend in life. He didn't care what people thought of him until high school. Then, he cared what people thought, stopping hanging with me, had to fit in, and I was alone again. I've been in lots of motorcycle accidents and have not had bones set properly because my parents would've been mad, so I think I'm hideous. I was cool with that. I started doing my own thing and made a lucrative career out of motorcycles. I still don't care what anybody thinks of me, but I do care what people think of her thinking of me. You know? I have no self worth and never have without her. I own my own successful business, but don't care one bit about it without her! WTF. And we have gone to a therapist about eight times to try and resolve the issues. But, every time I resolve, it seems as though I have another fault that I have to resolve.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

We all have faults, NO one is perfect, the idea is to find someone with faults that's PERFECT for us!! Marriage isn't something that once the vows are said, the hard part is over, its just the beginning of a life long journey of respect, love, and guess what........WORK. So you brought more issues to the table at first, who cares, you address them then move on to the next. Even when you think you've got them all in hand.................guess what, you STILL have to work at the marriage. That's life. throw in all the turmoil that goes with it, and it becomes and obstacle course all by itself even without the intagibles of people and their attributes/attitudes. 

I think your being a little too hard on yourself in some areas, and maybe not hard enough in others. Only you can look in the mirror and decide which way you want to go and which issues you want to address. Seeing a therapist might give you some tools to help, if you put in the work, and are honest about your goals. Sure maybe you can do it by yourself, but an outside ear (even if its here) is better than no ear at all. 

Self confidence, self assurance, self value are all traits you listed at short falls above, but what they also mean is you don't love yourself, IF you don't love yourself first, how can you really love another? It all starts with you. Stay strong my friend, good luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your codependent and she is bipolar.
I suggest you work on the codependent stuff, cuz you can't control what she does.
Once you get your sh1t worked out as an individual then you can figure out what it is in having a healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy chick.

Quit fighting this, once you love your self and stop depending on some one else for happiness then you can find a chick that is even quell and brings out the best in you instead of the worst!

Crazy=doing the same crap over and over again and expecting a change.......

Dust your @ss off and work on your self, for your self, by your self!!!!! Then go find a chick that has a moral compass. One that has respect for her self. Cuz if she has respect for her self, then she knows how to respect others and won't emotionally torture you like your current old lady.


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