# Holy @#$!



## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

Men..don't even know where to start.

Let me jump 2 years ahead:

i'm a newly wed. Been married for a solid year.
Talked for 3 months before starting a long distance relationship. 

Unfortunately, I accepted her for who she is and didn't dig deeper into her past or present (I asked the basic questions, I had my good friends meet her and check her out, i met w/her friends and family, etc) She built trust in me for her. 

I liked her and could she myself having a child with her.
She got pregnant. When that happened, I decided to move to her State. We decided that the cost of living amongst other things were better.

My wife is out going: she has a lot of friends. She plays in a music band that is just guys. Nothing is wrong with that as long as don't pick up any negative vibes, right?

ANYWAY:
I get an email from a friend of my wife stating that my wife has had a sexual relationship with her husband. (I'm like who is trying to break up my happy home...i'm not going to jump conclusions)

She sent me 'proof' via email communications implicating that there was a sexual relationship going on with both of them before we got married. And...she said recently that her husband finally admitted that he had a sexual relationship with my wife in the past. ( Don't know if it was 3, 6, 8 or 12 months ago) 

In the email communication she sent me, I noticed that they officially broke off a sexual or close relationship 6 months ago because my wife said that she has fallen in love with me and I am the ONE she wants to be with. lol...

I've been analyzing this and haven't said a thing to my wife yet.
Its going to get back to her soon that her sexual relationship with this guy will cause damage to first her social circle at the least (i'm not including myself yet). This is such a small town..i'm waiting to see how this pans out.

People have so many skeletons in their closets.
My wife was kind of naive in her 20s and 30s, divorced twice and probably just gave up on finding a companion. (Guys played so many 'tricks' on her. ) She probably just wanted to have sex with no more than that. However, she made a bad decision to have sex with someone in her band that is married and has 2 kids. They both made bad decisions especially since there are emails exposing their sexual relationship.
The other cheating husband (married for like 22 years)

Trying to figure out how to approach my wife with this:

(1) just tell her hey this lady told me that you had a sexual relationship - can you tell me the truth? And see what she says
(I already have email proof - just want to see if she will hide, lie or just be open and tell the truth) - - if they had sex before we got married i'm not going to be pissed because we weren't really official. But when she did get pregnant all things changed. We did like each other and want to have a child.

My main concern is ...did she have any sexual relationships while we were married? (Note: she had a miscarriage after the wedding) 6 months later - -she's now pregnant. 

Once i moved in with her and even before, i did not want her to change her way of life. I wanted her to keep and friends and activities. Everyone deserves space. If i notice something out of the blue then I will look deeper into it. And when i look into things deeper, i really do my research.

What are your suggestions on approaching her?

I can just lay all the evidence out - - but don't want to...if i don't have to. 

The other lady who stated that my wife slept with her husband is pissed. And I understand why: she has 2 children with the cheating husband...and their sexual relationship ...from a guess may or may not have been up to 6 months. 

(3) Come to think of it I noticed that my wife deleted a ton of her emails. (when i got suspicious i went to check out her email account - that is a big sign)

I'm thrown off because my wife incorporated me in everything. 
She always wanted me around, didn't seem to hide anything.
It seems more like her past is coming to get her.
I don't want to make excuses for her but want to hear it from her own mouth. 


I'm just a bit confused...but I'm not going to get mad.
I'm not surprised at human nature: people can be real stupid and make real dumb decisions.

Now I'm in a different state that i'm finally getting acclimated to. I just can't pack up and go anywhere..sheesh. 

I just need feedback so that I can make good decisions. 
Let me know if you have any questions.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Is this your first marriage, or first serious relationship?

First, avoid the habit of being too comfortable trusting your woman (giving space, not caring what other men she is around), particularly a woman you admit that has "bad luck" with men in the past. (THis often because of the kind of men such a woman puts herself involved with!)

In your scenario, you must absolutely, calmy, and relatively quickly sit down with your woman and tell her everything that is recently going on, including the emails she has deleted.

If she was involved in a married man during the first part of your marriage, expect her of course to not be proud, or inclined to reveal in total honesty. 

Be firm, but fair minded, just as you seem to be in this post, to give her the opporunity to come clean, not overly mushy or accomodating, as you want to maintian respect and dignity, as well, not overbearing or full of rage, for that is not productive.

You should not build a marriage on the foundation leaving this unresolved, get to the heart of this matter, this means addressing this head on!

I wish you well.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

Thank you. 
Yes, this is my first marriage. 
That is good advice. 

Anymore would be appreciated. I plan on talking to her in a few hours and wanted feedback from you all.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

What gets me is that my wife is now 17 weeks pregnant...


I need to find links on this site for Emotional Affairs...I think when and if they broke the sexual contact off..the emotional aspect exists......

investigating this...but need to learn more about emotional affairs.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Is this your first marriage, or first serious relationship?
> 
> First, avoid the habit of being too comfortable trusting your woman (giving space, not caring what other men she is around), particularly a woman you admit that has "bad luck" with men in the past. (THis often because of the kind of men such a woman puts herself involved with!)
> 
> ...


I cannot add to this.

But, she owes you the truth.

Women who spend their lives with "bad men" and in a perpetual state of "emotional hijack" largely create their own destinies.

Therapy can help - but they have to want the help.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

dubs said:


> What gets me is that my wife is now 17 weeks pregnant...
> 
> 
> I need to find links on this site for Emotional Affairs...I think when and if they broke the sexual contact off..the emotional aspect exists......
> ...


There is much to learn about EAs.


Here is the short version.

They are much like a drug addiction. The emotoinal "high", very powerful, very seductive, "fun", "exciting", 

They are making anything or anyone outside the EA as "the enemy".

They are often looking from the outside much like a friendship.

They most often lead to full PAs (Physical Affairs).


Between marriage man and woman, anything requiring hiding or secrecy in some "friendship", is for all purposes an EA.


To stop an EA, again, much like drug addiction, it must be cold turkey.

It requires a firm, hard line from you as the husband determined to save the marriage.

Do NOT negotiate, or try to be "a pal" or some extra supportive and understanding "nice guy". There will be time for supportive and healing later, but only after the EA is smashed. NOT BEFORE!!!

This requires these things: 

Total seperation from the EA man!

No contact with the EA man!

You MUST insist on this. ANd yes, this is making you often "the bad guy". 

Be prepared for this.

Imagine a heroine addict being told and required to quit cold turkey. Do not kid yourself, expect to see the worse side of your woman you can imagine!

After seperation and exposing the EA, then and only then, will the rational and "normal" woman that is your wife, only then possibly will her mind clear from the emotional high (the "fog").

Only after the EA man is no more, and your wife's mind is clear, then will there be possiblility for rational discussion to put the marriage back on track.

If there is an EA, or even strongly suspect an EA, your job is to gather evidence. 

This thread has more detail on this process.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/17431-wife-wants-alone.html#post193454


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> In your scenario, you must absolutely, calmy, and relatively quickly sit down with your woman and tell her everything that is recently going on, including the emails she has deleted.
> 
> If she was involved in a married man during the first part of your marriage, expect her of course to not be proud, or inclined to reveal in total honesty.
> 
> ...


BBW,
That was excellent suggestions!
I just finished talking to my wife.
I'm am so glad I addressed it right away instead of letting it simmer in my head while monitoring her behavior.

At first she didn't want to admit it -- i stopped her dead in her tracks and asked her if she loves me. And if so, she should take this opportunity to come clean because I have emails that were sent to me. 

She then admitted and she said she was not proud of it. 
I asked her if she had a sexual relationship after we got married: she said no. She said even when we first started talking/taking each other serious she cut if off. (I showed her the emails afterwords)

For now, I will give her the benefit of doubt. I just have to be cautious. (Who knows what emotional roller-coaster she will go on. Eg. get depressed, suicide? who knows - - thank goodness i'm strong, and thanks for your feedbak).


The person that she did have an on/off sexual relationship in the past was her EA from what you described.
He himself has been married for 22 years w/2 kids. 

I told my wife that she can no longer talk, communicate with this guy. She agreed and is willing to see a therapist this week.

That lady that called me and told me that her husband was cheating also had him cut immediate communication.
He hasn't tried. She says that he is wallowing in guilt. He's stupid - how are you going to jeopardize a marriage with 2 kids. He has more to lose especially since this is a small community.

Anyway, my wife stayed up most of the night 'crying'. I got some sleep because I am content with the information I have thus far.
She has apologized profusely in tears (I accepted and can only let actions speak moving forward. Or course I will be positive towards her - she has our 17 week old child in her) But will also keep a keen eye on her moving forward.

More to come. 
Will finish reading up on the link you sent.
This website is very helpful and will recommend to others.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You should go to sessions with her - in addition to those she has for herself.

It will send the right message - that you value the relationship. Not simply that she has to get it right.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> You should go to sessions with her - in addition to those she has for herself.
> 
> It will send the right message - that you value the relationship. Not simply that she has to get it right.


We won't be able to see a therapist for a few more days. It has hit her hard. 
Trying to be a balance so she doesn't slip into a depressive unproductive state. She
Understands now the impact of her actions. 

She said she doesnt have any tools for dealing w/ being such a disappointment to herself & others. "I don't know how **** will ever forgive me for her part."

I feel I need to counsel her but want the therapist to do that. An appt isn't available for the next few days. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dubs said:


> We won't be able to see a therapist for a few more days. It has hit her hard.
> Trying to be a balance so she doesn't slip into a depressive unproductive state. She
> Understands now the impact of her actions.
> 
> ...


Do you understand how to empathize?

(Not meant to be an insulting question)

People here can help you. It sounds like she really needs to be heard - and the best you can do right now is "really really" listen - without trying to fix or law down the law.

Get at what's in her heart - her self-loathing.

Watch her body language and comment on it. "This really upsets you". "It must be hard to face all these obstacles and to feel this way about yourself..."


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Do you understand how to empathize?.
> 
> Get at what's in her heart - her self-loathing.
> 
> Watch her body language and comment on it. "This really upsets you". "It must be hard to face all these obstacles and to feel this way about yourself..."


OK Thx
Appreciate that.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Good luck. She atleast sounds like she feels terrible for her actions. But... i'd have that baby tested right after birth, i'm ole school in this, trust ... but verify! If the baby isn't mine then i'd have to be out, especially since she said it was over before we got married. Not raising some other man's love child.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Rob774 said:


> Good luck. She atleast sounds like she feels terrible for her actions. But... i'd have that baby tested right after birth, i'm ole school in this, trust ... but verify! If the baby isn't mine then i'd have to be out, especially since she said it was over before we got married. Not raising some other man's love child.


Do not ignore this post. whether or not you are a forgiving man, the source of her agitation may not just be remorseful. It could be about a terrible secret.

Walk into this possibility with your eyes wide open and deal with it whether or not the child is yours.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

michzz said:


> the source of her agitation may not just be remorseful. It could be about a terrible secret.
> .


Can you elaborate? What do you mean by this?

Note: I will def. walk into this with all possibilities. 
I am in constant monitoring mode w/her out even knowing.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

dub, it means she could very well of continued sleeping with the other man after you married and the child may not be yours.

I'm sorry, but that is a possibility and happens more often than most people realize. 

The advice is to get a paternity test after birth to ensure it is, in fact, your child.

It's good advice. I hope you'll follow it.


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> The advice is to get a paternity test after birth to ensure it is, in fact, your child.
> 
> It's good advice. I hope you'll follow it.


Oh..heck the F- Yes, I'll be following this advice!


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> There is much to learn about EAs.
> 
> 
> Here is the short version.
> ...


I need more info...this was too good...and need more!


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## dubs (Oct 24, 2010)

Also.... in regards to EAs

Can a married women have emotional affairs with a gay guy?

How about with a female friend? 

When do you know its gone over the edge with these two types of people?

Just curious.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

> Can a married women have emotional affairs with a gay guy?
> 
> How about with a female friend?


As a practical matter, no. Emotional *affairs* are relationships that somehow violate the sanctity of a marriage. That generally happens only when a crush is involved -- i.e., when your wife is addicted to speaking with another man but she hasn't slept with him *yet*. Most other friendships, no matter how close, don't intrude on the sanctity of a marriage because the only thing that is exclusive in a marriage is sex. Thus your wife could have more than one best friend, etc.

Theoretically the answer to your question is yes. This could happen, hypothetically, if a relationship grew so strong that it interfered with your wife's intimacy with and commitment to you. Relationships to cult leaders spring to mind, for example. But rare is the gay/girlfriend whose relationship causes real tradeoffs with a spouse's marital duties.


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