# Wife drama



## Outsiderlookingin87 (Dec 3, 2021)

Wife leaving me, I had more but hit the back button and lost my thesis. Sorry. She is looking for random dude to bang while still married. Stringing me along till she is ready, Im trying to work and pray about it, want to do the right thing, not do beta bullsh!t and preserve what family and struct for kids. Worried my kids will follow in her footsteps, since discipline require’s maturity and wife is focused on solely herself while claiming she is embarrassed of what she has done. As a Christian, i just dont know how to embrace divorce, I believe fervently in sticking it out and working through problems and sacrifices made makes your stronger. She refuses to go to church, so she wont be swayed to not do what she wants or plans to do, which she inow is morally wrong. She first wants separation, which is probably for her to meet mr right then ditch me, when convenient for her financially. I own some of the damage of the relationship, but I have always been faithful and loyal to her, but not necessarily the other way around. I failed at being there for her at times, and I know that is some of it, but I think menopause and midlife crisis, her doing stuff that i disagree with for self coping, etc. etc. I am in a stage of grief, sadness, worry, false hope, prayer, pretty much anything family thoughts future sense jacks me up. I dont wont to hate her nor her to
me and want the kids to not feel they have to take sides or something like that. Theres more, but im tired and got to work tomorrow, like only I have for this family for the last 20+ Freaking years, while she stayed home. Yes, thats work too, and dont discount it, but when the house is always a mess every day, dont ride her a$$ about it and I do my own laundry and meals are sometimes cold when i get home, its not much homemaking going on. I soumd like a chauvinist, so I will stop. I do appreciate her and she deep down is a good person, but she has lost her way with leftist immoral input from Facebook sites and the such.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Once a spouse steps out, it's over.
They've turned the marriage into nothing more than a business partnership.

It is up to you as to whether that is what you want or not.
Buy her equity in the house and try and go after custody.


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

As a Christian, her action have granted you the option of divorce. My advice would be to take it.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Just divorce her. It’s over already.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How do you know she us looking for another guy?


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

It's hard to extract the facts from your post.

As I read it
Your wife has hit a crisis/menopause 
She wants to leave you / separate because you have not been there for her in the past.(resentment).
You have always been faithful, but she may not have been in the past.
Her desires/urges have intensified and she wants sex with others, but hasn't yet.
She has some self coping mechanisms that you do not approve of.
She is embarrassed by some of her own behaviour (outside the norm for her)

It's very hard to reason with someone going through a crisis, male or female.
This is the tricky part of the "in sickness and in health" vow, if you made it. 
Is a mental health crisis that involves partners possibly abandoning you and/or cheating to be tolerated.

As this could be hormone related, that should be addressed first for your wife. The right help could reduce her distress.

For you, I don't have much I can say, but if your partner is acting out of character quite suddenly, then something is clearly wrong with them and not you. 
Menopause crisis doesn't last forever and she will return to stable, but if she doesn't get treatment or therapy then too much damage may occur in the meantime.
(I speak from experience).


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

No one is perfect. Your mistakes aside, she has checked out of the marriage. She does not appreciate what you have contributed to the marriage.

Do not stay for the kids. 2 home are better even if only one of them is happy(yours) than one unhappy home with you and your wife under the same roof.

Do not allow yourself to be used as a stepping stone / safety net for her to find your replacement.

Give her what she wants so fast her head will spin. Go to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Push hard and fast for divorce and offer no chance for reconciliation unless she can prove worthy. Don't be too quick to believe any changes you see for the better.

Tell your children their mother wants to be with other men. You don't have to say anything more let her answer their questions. You will gain nothing by trying to hide what is happening from them. They aren't stupid.

Withdraw complete from her. No conversation unless it relates to divorce or childcare. No emotional support. Avoid intimacy. Go out more with your friends or do something for yourself. If she asks for any sort of help tell her she is on her own or she should ask your replacement.

Move her out of your bedroom. Gather up all her clothes and belongings from your bedroom and dump them in a spare bedroom. If you don't have one available then the living room or basement will do. Tell her all part of the separation process.

Your wife would like to live her fantasy at your expense. Work hard and fast to get her out of your life and leave her behind. Reality typically sets in much faster if you choose this approach. Cut her loose and see how long the fantasy survives.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

FYI, no church is going to help you in this case. That's a divorce lawyer's job.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

marko polo said:


> No one is perfect. Your mistakes aside, she has checked out of the marriage. She does not appreciate what you have contributed to the marriage.
> 
> Do not stay for the kids. 2 home are better even if only one of them is happy(yours) than one unhappy home with you and your wife under the same roof.
> 
> ...


^^^THIS!^^^
She wants separation, give it to her. In addition to the above, open your own bank account and take half the assets and move them to your account then cut off any financial support. Maybe if she has to go to work she won't have as much time to think about other men.


----------



## Outsiderlookingin87 (Dec 3, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> It's hard to extract the facts from your post.
> 
> As I read it
> Your wife has hit a crisis/menopause
> ...





Diana7 said:


> How do you know she us looking for another guy?


Past history of how she has acted, even before mental breakdown. Mental breakdown she had,it is understandable, but with past history of similar stuff it was or it would have been another reason IMO. Her justification at certain times, is something along the lines to where if she doesn’t get away OR she is stressed out with these kids and life, then she gets in the mode to stray. The way I have seen it, it is communication is broken down, she nit picking and always negative, i get upset and/or unable to talk to her without some kind of argument of what im not doing or how i don’t understand or care, then a back and forth. Always me be the one to be the “bad guy” and be sorry about things and try to work harder at being a good husband better father, and it seems to build the idea that she wasn’t wrong with anything she has done which gives her somekind of justifications for behaving a certain way. How I know she is looking, she has done this in the past, craigslist, swinger forums to even planning to meet up with a couple after a music concert along with taking toys, not meeting up with them but flirting with an old friend on messenger while there. How i found out, was I
had found out the certain website and was monitoring conversations and then matching what was being said to what she was telling me. She claims they didnt do anything and that matched some of the story and their convos. Then the other day, after trying to have honest talk about how she has never done anything and how wrong it was of her to do it, she opens another account at a different hook up site, which i found and called her out. She hasn’t fully updated it or responded but its more of the same stuff. I went to it last night and could tell she had viewed other people, flirts, and messages based off of the “new message” counts. She claims she is wanting to have her own friends and needing love and someone to take care of her the right way, but the sites she goes to suggests to me that is only physical and wants the dating life of something new and not be a mom or the wife life anymore. I could’ve been there more for her, I know, but whatever i do has never been good enough with constant criticisms of how I am or didnt do.
Her sister is coming in after Christmas, who is divorced/separated, with history of infidelity in her life, who she has been reaching out to this whole time for support. Matter of fact, she went to visit her a month or two back, to figure us out, all to only reach out to other guys, that she supposedly never met up with, but her texts and phone convos on other apps says she did. Which her sister is to meet up with a married man herself, and my wife wants to go hang out with herself for several days while i watch the kids. You see, it could be just wanting to be with her sister, but my wife is a planner, creates drama for justifying her actions, and then blames me. I cant prove and she claims she has never done anything, but you can only take it for so long. My reasons of staying, is I don’t believe in divorce, meant my vows, my children are my life and future. It was hers, and I think that is where she was hurt most and now that her kids disappointed her and was part of her episode, now its all about her life and happiness. I cant go into any more about that.

As far as her stressing out and life, she has gone on more trips or episodes than I ever have. I have stayed to the grind without any complaint to my life or how its turned out. I was just mentally and physically drained as she was/is, but deal with things and not allow them to cause me to act out.

as far as the bad grammar, its spellcheck and also having a hard time typing on a phone, and some times the thoughts also outpace my writing.


----------



## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Yes - it is time to do a separation...but do it legally. Your wife is taking advantage of you. She is hurting your marriage and you emotionally with her amoral attitude and actions. She may not have done anything physical yet but she is doing everything she can to make this happen. She is putting her needs first. You need to protect yourself and your children right now! It is your job to act responsibly and with maturity to an emotionally abusive situation. Talk with an attorney and do what he says to make sure you set up what you and your children need to function during this crisis. The kids know something is going on and they need you to stop focusing on her and put their needs first. Do what the attorney says regarding documenting your wife's behavior. I know you hope your wife might change or that this is due to hormones but please remind yourself everyday that when people start behaving this way and to this degree they usually don't change. This is not normal menopausal behavior. You are a religious man - read your bible. If your wife expressed regret or was remorseful and if she'd only behaved this way once or twice then maybe forgiveness is in order. However your wife doesn't appear to be anywhere close to admitting she is destroying the marriage. She is breaking her marriage vows every time she pursues contact with other men with the sole purpose of fulfilling her sexual fantasies.


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I get not believing in divorce for religious reasons, but divorce is ok for the same religious reasons when it comes to infidelity. 

All of her reasons for stepping out sounds like she is trying to make you feel guilty so she has an easier time going to do what she wants to do. 

Also, think of it this way: you are FUNDING her infidelity while she gets a free baby sitter. It is the utmost disrespect


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Divorce her! And don’t allow the sister to come after Christmas! You don’t need ANOTHER person in the middle of the mess she’s created! In fact - have her move before the holiday!


----------



## Outsiderlookingin87 (Dec 3, 2021)

The sister is coming down and staying with her other sibling, I actually look forward to engaging a conversation about it, but will probably put my foot in my mouth. Your right about it all, its just hard and not in me to quit. I believe she is going to pay dearly in other ways and i think she is severely depressed, to the point of self destruction. Also, its pre-menopause not full blown. Not making excuses for her, how she can throw it all away for some demented fantasy that will leave her emptier than she was. I told it was like a drug, that it was an addiction. Those ****ers she is looking at, dont care for her and she will probably end up getting a std from that sick ****. I apologized for not being there for her, and told her she needed help. She wants to act nice, not close, but like talking in future tense. These emotions are killing me, and I dont know how to feel. Im not being a beta here, its more like sacrifices are supposed to matter, love is supposed to win in the end, and you dont turn your back on your family or friends. This is so upsetting and I am more sad for her than me. I fear for her in all ways, and spiritually too. Like I lost, and Satan won this round.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Outsiderlookingin87 said:


> The sister is coming down and staying with her other sibling, I actually look forward to engaging a conversation about it, but will probably put my foot in my mouth. Your right about it all, its just hard and not in me to quit. I believe she is going to pay dearly in other ways and i think she is severely depressed, to the point of self destruction. Also, its pre-menopause not full blown. Not making excuses for her, how she can throw it all away for some demented fantasy that will leave her emptier than she was. I told it was like a drug, that it was an addiction. Those **ers she is looking at, dont care for her and she will probably end up getting a std from that sick **. I apologized for not being there for her, and told her she needed help. She wants to act nice, not close, but like talking in future tense. These emotions are killing me, and I dont know how to feel. Im not being a beta here, its more like sacrifices are supposed to matter, love is supposed to win in the end, and you dont turn your back on your family or friends. This is so upsetting and I am more sad for her than me. I fear for her in all ways, and spiritually too. Like I lost, and Satan won this round.


If she is looking for outside companionship, I do suggest quitting the marriage. Suddenly being insecurely single may cause her to wake up and realize what she is losing.
You can always remarry her, if she is willing to actively work on herself and her relationship with you. By divorcing her, you can then set the conditions that she must meet in order to be remarried to you.


----------



## GG1061 (Apr 20, 2021)

Outsiderlookingin87 said:


> The sister is coming down and staying with her other sibling, I actually look forward to engaging a conversation about it, but will probably put my foot in my mouth. Your right about it all, its just hard and not in me to quit. I believe she is going to pay dearly in other ways and i think she is severely depressed, to the point of self destruction. Also, its pre-menopause not full blown. Not making excuses for her, how she can throw it all away for some demented fantasy that will leave her emptier than she was. I told it was like a drug, that it was an addiction. Those **ers she is looking at, dont care for her and she will probably end up getting a std from that sick **. I apologized for not being there for her, and told her she needed help. She wants to act nice, not close, but like talking in future tense. These emotions are killing me, and I dont know how to feel. Im not being a beta here, its more like sacrifices are supposed to matter, love is supposed to win in the end, and you dont turn your back on your family or friends. This is so upsetting and I am more sad for her than me. I fear for her in all ways, and spiritually too. Like I lost, and Satan won this round.


Regardless of the outcome of your marriage evil never wins in the long run. It might win a battle but never wins the war. The rest of your life will be a witness to that! What is unknown is the exact path that life takes either with or without your wife. You and your family (whatever form that turns out to be) will win in the end by continually choosing what is right.


----------



## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Outsiderlookingin87,... How are things going?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Outsiderlookingin87 said:


> The sister is coming down and staying with her other sibling, I actually look forward to engaging a conversation about it, but will probably put my foot in my mouth. Your right about it all, its just hard and not in me to quit. I believe she is going to pay dearly in other ways and i think she is severely depressed, to the point of self destruction. Also, its pre-menopause not full blown. Not making excuses for her, how she can throw it all away for some demented fantasy that will leave her emptier than she was. I told it was like a drug, that it was an addiction. Those **ers she is looking at, dont care for her and she will probably end up getting a std from that sick **. I apologized for not being there for her, and told her she needed help. She wants to act nice, not close, but like talking in future tense. These emotions are killing me, and I dont know how to feel. Im not being a beta here, its more like sacrifices are supposed to matter, love is supposed to win in the end, and you dont turn your back on your family or friends. This is so upsetting and I am more sad for her than me. I fear for her in all ways, and spiritually too. Like I lost, and Satan won this round.


Sorry man but I don’t see where you’ve lost much.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Outsiderlookingin87 said:


> The sister is coming down and staying with her other sibling, I actually look forward to engaging a conversation about it, but will probably put my foot in my mouth. Your right about it all, its just hard and not in me to quit. I believe she is going to pay dearly in other ways and i think she is severely depressed, to the point of self destruction. Also, its pre-menopause not full blown. Not making excuses for her, how she can throw it all away for some demented fantasy that will leave her emptier than she was. I told it was like a drug, that it was an addiction. Those **ers she is looking at, dont care for her and she will probably end up getting a std from that sick **. I apologized for not being there for her, and told her she needed help. She wants to act nice, not close, but like talking in future tense. These emotions are killing me, and I dont know how to feel. Im not being a beta here, its more like sacrifices are supposed to matter, love is supposed to win in the end, and you dont turn your back on your family or friends. This is so upsetting and I am more sad for her than me. I fear for her in all ways, and spiritually too. Like I lost, and Satan won this round.


At the very least, what she has lost is a better man than any future man she will get.
You gained a better life as you work on yourself by reading the readings we suggest, as well becoming more fit and learning some skills to be a better man.
You, now being a few years older, will have more choices, so you can afford to be more particular for your next relationship.


----------



## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It's call hypergamy. Women are always looking for something better. Why do you think 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman? The only prevention is working on yourself and being the best man and leader you can be. Also, remember that women like alphas more than beta providers. You can be the best little beta provider and give her everything and do everything she wants but that wont make her happy. There's a recurring trend on this site with all the stories of divorce and cheating. Husband does everything for wife, provides her great life, wife leaves/cheats for some unemployed alpha.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

you dont believe in divorce because you are da dah dah ---- then stay married and let her bang other people and stop trying to control her. yes control her because this is her true nature. you either become cuckold or divorce and find you a Christian woman or whoever. 

once someone stop outside the marriage then it is done deal. in fact, you are a sinner for not leaving and keeping a sinner with you. 

you are hiding behind Christianity because you are afraid to divorce and losing her. Man up, and hand her divorce paper - stop talking to her - and separate your funds. stop spending money on her. talk to an attorney.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> It's call hypergamy. Women are always looking for something better. Why do you think 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman? The only prevention is working on yourself and being the best man and leader you can be. Also, remember that women like alphas more than beta providers. You can be the best little beta provider and give her everything and do everything she wants but that wont make her happy. There's a recurring trend on this site with all the stories of divorce and cheating. Husband does everything for wife, provides her great life, wife leaves/cheats for some unemployed alpha.


Well Thunderchad, that's not why more divorces are initiated by women.


----------



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Well Thunderchad, that's not why more divorces are initiated by women.


Also, that's the opposite of what hypergamy means. Leaving for an unemployed alpha is the exact opposite of that.


----------



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Outsiderlookingin87 said:


> Wife leaving me, I had more but hit the back button and lost my thesis. Sorry. She is looking for random dude to bang while still married. Stringing me along till she is ready, Im trying to work and pray about it, want to do the right thing, not do beta bullsh!t and preserve what family and struct for kids. Worried my kids will follow in her footsteps, since discipline require’s maturity and wife is focused on solely herself while claiming she is embarrassed of what she has done. As a Christian, i just dont know how to embrace divorce, I believe fervently in sticking it out and working through problems and sacrifices made makes your stronger. She refuses to go to church, so she wont be swayed to not do what she wants or plans to do, which she inow is morally wrong. She first wants separation, which is probably for her to meet mr right then ditch me, when convenient for her financially. I own some of the damage of the relationship, but I have always been faithful and loyal to her, but not necessarily the other way around. I failed at being there for her at times, and I know that is some of it, but I think menopause and midlife crisis, her doing stuff that i disagree with for self coping, etc. etc. I am in a stage of grief, sadness, worry, false hope, prayer, pretty much anything family thoughts future sense jacks me up. I dont wont to hate her nor her to
> me and want the kids to not feel they have to take sides or something like that. Theres more, but im tired and got to work tomorrow, like only I have for this family for the last 20+ Freaking years, while she stayed home. Yes, thats work too, and dont discount it, but when the house is always a mess every day, dont ride her a$$ about it and I do my own laundry and meals are sometimes cold when i get home, its not much homemaking going on. I soumd like a chauvinist, so I will stop. I do appreciate her and she deep down is a good person, but she has lost her way with leftist immoral input from Facebook sites and the such.


 I feel for you man. But you're in a 0 sum game right now and you need to worry about yourself and the children. I'm seeing this story too many times anymore.


----------

