# Wife says I don’t spend enough time with her and our child



## Pea-tear-griffin (9 mo ago)

My wife has recently started to say that I am not spending enough time with her or our daughter and that I spend too much time playing golf or other sports. I probably average about 6-8 rounds a year max but I also play another sport which I used to do at a very high level professionally but since starting a family and moving house I have cut back a lot in order to spend more time with my family, at my wife's request. However, this now doesn't feel like its enough for her and I get the impression she would happily see me stop all sports and spend all my time at home. She very rarely asks me how I've got on when I get back, in fact the last time I came back it was her friend that asked me and not her. 

We both work full-time but we do have many weekends free which we spend together and go and see both our families, but as we both live away from home we have to travel a fair distance each time so we tend to make a weekend of it.

She goes to a fitness club once a week after work which I have no problem with. This is the only regular thing she goes to each week though, besides getting her nails and hair done every month or so.

I am of the belief that we still need to make time for ourselves every so often which is why I do what I do, however because she doesn't do as much as me I get the impression that she is jealous. I do believe I have a balanced family and social life but she doesn't.

Am I being unreasonable? I have friends with children who go out more than me but this doesn't seen to be a problem for them. Some of our friends have even joked to my wife that I am under the thumb which does annoy her.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> My wife has recently started to say that I am not spending enough time with her or our daughter and that I spend too much time playing golf or other sports. I probably average about 6-8 rounds a year max but I also play another sport which I used to do at a very high level professionally but since starting a family and moving house I have cut back a lot in order to spend more time with my family, at my wife's request. However, this now doesn't feel like its enough for her and I get the impression she would happily see me stop all sports and spend all my time at home. She very rarely asks me how I've got on when I get back, in fact the last time I came back it was her friend that asked me and not her.
> 
> We both work full-time but we do have many weekends free which we spend together and go and see both our families, but as we both live away from home we have to travel a fair distance each time so we tend to make a weekend of it.
> 
> ...


Write down how much time you spend on your hobbies in an average month and show it to your wife. Then ask her how is this a problem.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It doesn’t matter what other people think. If she wants you around more then that’s what she wants.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Write down how much time you spend on your hobbies in an average month and show it to your wife. Then ask her how is this a problem.


Or maybe it will show that he spends more time away then he realizes.

Just because he's cut back doesn't mean he's not away too much. He mentions playing professionally, which usually means the sport is pretty much full time, so cutting back may still mean a lot of time.

I see this all the time in my own athletic communities.


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## Pea-tear-griffin (9 mo ago)

Well so far I have played golf 2 times this year and had 2 weekends and 4 half days away on a weekend. Every other weekend has been at home spending time with my wife and daughter or visiting family with them.

to put it into perspective when I was competing full time i would be away between 1 and 2 long weekends a month, and 2/3 times a year I could be away for over a week.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you enjoy spending time with your wife?
If so, I suggest you do whatever it takes to make her feel loved, to an extent. When a woman complains of this, there are lots more thoughts going through her mind that she’s not saying.
Doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. What does she say that you do right?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Write down how much time you spend on your hobbies in an average month and show it to your wife. Then ask her how is this a problem.


Logical to you, I, and most guys, but that won't make the W go oh, honey, I guess you're right, I'm wrong. Track it for you, perhaps so you have mental reinforcement in your own mind but don't tell her. She'll know she has you dangling and will have an inner laugh when she sees you spending time focusing on that.

That just won't work with the W.
Because it's not about the time issue. You're being distracted by her on that, when there's another, the true issue.
That's what you need to think about.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> Well so far I have played golf 2 times this year and had 2 weekends and 4 half days away on a weekend. Every other weekend has been at home spending time with my wife and daughter or visiting family with them.
> 
> to put it into perspective when I was competing full time i would be away between 1 and 2 long weekends a month, and 2/3 times a year I could be away for over a week.


You keep mentioning the weekends (which is only two days out of the week).

Yes you have a job but what do the weekdays look like after work when you come home?

How old is your daughter?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> Well so far I have played golf 2 times this year and had 2 weekends and 4 half days away on a weekend. Every other weekend has been at home spending time with my wife and daughter or visiting family with them.
> 
> to put it into perspective when I was competing full time i would be away between 1 and 2 long weekends a month, and 2/3 times a year I could be away for over a week.


Nothing wrong with that.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If she is unhappy, what are you willing to do to compromise & make her happy? I'm not saying give up all your sports but could you find more time to focus on your wife & child so that she feels valued & wanted?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sideways said:


> You keep mentioning the weekends (which is only two days out of the week).
> 
> Yes you have a job but what do the weekdays look like after work when you come home?
> 
> How old is your daughter?


Right a person can be home without spending time with those who want them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You've been away a total of 6 full days out of 116 in the last 4 months...


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## Pea-tear-griffin (9 mo ago)

I enjoy spending time with my wife and our daughter, she is 3 this year and my wife has said that I am a great father even though she thought I’d struggle at first.

we both have full time jobs and our daughter goes to nursery full time. It’s hard to find time during the week after work to go out as we do not have family or friends close who can baby sit. I’ve suggested a professional babysitter in the past but she doesn’t even entertain it.

She has a fitness class one evening a week and I have been going out once an evening also but that has stopped now until later in the year. She also has a job on the side selling products online so she spends a lot of time on her phone after work promoting this and dealing with customers. I’ve mentioned this to her in past if she can scale it back a bit which she did at first but has now got more involved in it again. Sometimes she won’t even notice me doing something in the house if she too engrossed in her phone.

Shes admitted she’s insecure and this stems from previous partners cheating on her and she does keep worrying that I am going to leave her because of this, even though I keep reassuring her that’s not going to happen, however the more she lets this affect her the more frustrating it becomes for me as I feel she always wants to keep me on a short leash.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> She also has a job on the side selling products online so she spends a lot of time on her phone after work promoting this and dealing with customers. I’ve mentioned this to her in past if she can scale it back a bit which she did at first but has now got more involved in it again. Sometimes she won’t even notice me doing something in the house if she too engrossed in her phone.


Interesting... so, she is not that "present" either. But I guess she thinks she is working and you are having fun...


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If her insecurity is the heart of the issue make a point to call her when you are out. Just pick up the phone say a quick I love you & get back to what you were doing. Every so often on your way home pick her up a little something: a candy bar; a pint of ice cream; a single flower. It's not about the money but showing her that you are thinking of her when you are away from her.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> Shes admitted she’s insecure and this stems from previous partners cheating on her and she does keep worrying that I am going to leave her because of this, even though I keep reassuring her that’s not going to happen, however the more she lets this affect her the more frustrating it becomes for me as I feel she always wants to keep me on a short leash.


So, we have the reason!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

From what you have shared here, it sounds like it’s completely reasonable, the time you spend on golf etc...

Her insecurity may be at the root of it all and even sitting by her side every night would still make her mind wander. It sounds like one on one counseling for her would be helpful. She may have deeply engrained fears that need to be unpacked and sorted out. Everything isn’t always what it seems - she may just be shifting her issues onto you because it’s less painful than unpacking her own issues. But, it doesn’t solve anything.

I’m also of the belief that it’s healthy to have hobbies of our own when we’re married. As long as there is a healthy balance, there’s nothing wrong with that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Let HER keep track of your away time, at your request, and review it together at the end of the month. Maybe she's counting time as away that you're not. It's just a thought.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

During the week why would you be needing someone to babysit in the evening so you can go out?? 

This is when you should be spending time with your family especially your daughter. You're working during the day and she's in nursery. Being three yrs old she probably goes to bed no later then 8pm every night. This means you only have an hour or two each night to spend with her.

What are you doing with this precious time during the week (M-F)? Are you putting her in your lap and reading to her every night, are you drawing with her, are you playing hide and seek with her, are you giving her a bath at night, are you singing songs to her, are you getting down on the floor and playing with her and her toys, are you teaching her the ABC's, are you watching videos with her (we use to watch the Wiggles), are you telling her stories, are you going in the backyard and showing her the stars, and I could go on and on.

M-F having maybe two hrs max each night that's (10 hrs total) and you'll NEVER get this back. Not saying you're not a good father but this time frame is precious. 

Doesn't sound like you're out on the golf course that much so that's good (but you certainly deserve to get out there from time to time).

Be honest, how would you say you're doing during the week/M-F with your daughter? After she goes to bed you could certainly spend some time with your wife as well.

This is all new to both of you. It's just about getting on the same page as best that you can. Priorities my friend.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> I enjoy spending time with my wife and our daughter, she is 3 this year and my wife has said that I am a great father even though she thought I’d struggle at first.
> 
> we both have full time jobs and our daughter goes to nursery full time. It’s hard to find time during the week after work to go out as we do not have family or friends close who can baby sit. I’ve suggested a professional babysitter in the past but she doesn’t even entertain it.
> 
> ...


Now more details surface. Thanks for sharing. It's less and less all your fault which she may be wanting you to believe. Whatever "it" is in truthfull reality.


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## Pea-tear-griffin (9 mo ago)

She said to me recently that she feels I prioritize golf and sports ahead of her and our daughter which I told her was nonsense and hurt my feeling. She didn’t even seem to acknowledge that and just kept saying that how she felt. I told her if that was the case then I’d be away a hell of a lot more than I currently am.

I do feel I spend enough time with her and I spend time with my daughter after work as well but I’m not sure she sees that and only focuses on the days that I’m away which isn’t much at all.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> I do feel I spend enough time with her and I spend time with my daughter after work as well but I’m not sure she sees that and only focuses on the days that I’m away which isn’t much at all.


You are not hearing each other. You are both focused on being right & justifying your behaviors & feelings. It's not a mindset that will fix the problem. Although it sounds like you have a balance she feels overlooked & taken for granted. Your behavior isn't wrong but her feelings are her feelings even if you can't logically comprehend them. Address her issue if you love her & want your marriage to work. You don't have to give up golf but take some small steps to making her feel valued. How hard is that?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> You are not hearing each other. You are both focused on being right & justifying your behaviors & feelings. It's not a mindset that will fix the problem. Although it sounds like you have a balance she feels overlooked & taken for granted. Your behavior isn't wrong but her feelings are her feelings even if you can't logically comprehend them. Address her issue if you love her & want your marriage to work. You don't have to give up golf but take some small steps to making her feel valued. How hard is that?


W is showing signs of purposefully keeping blinders on to the fact she is incorrectly perceiving the situation. That has to change first.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> She said to me recently that she feels I prioritize golf and sports ahead of her and our daughter which I told her was nonsense and hurt my feeling. She didn’t even seem to acknowledge that and just kept saying that how she felt. I told her if that was the case then I’d be away a hell of a lot more than I currently am.


Both of you are being aggressive and not "fighting fair." In this instance, she started it, but still. Don't punish your daughter because you guys are struggling.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> She said to me recently that she feels I prioritize golf and sports ahead of her and our daughter which I told her was nonsense and hurt my feeling. She didn’t even seem to acknowledge that and just kept saying that how she felt. I told her if that was the case then I’d be away a hell of a lot more than I currently am.
> 
> I do feel I spend enough time with her and I spend time with my daughter after work as well but I’m not sure she sees that and only focuses on the days that I’m away which isn’t much at all.


You say you "spend enough time with her and your daughter after work". 

Not debating this but can you elaborate more on how a typical week looks? Especially after work?
Mon?
Tue?
Wed??
Thu?
Fri?


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## Pea-tear-griffin (9 mo ago)

On average I’d say we both spend at least 4 weekday evenings at home and spend time with our daughter then as well each other. Somedays she does fall asleep early if she’s not napped at nursery but that’s not every day. If I do go out in an evening I never go anywhere without coming home first and having dinner so I still get to spend a little time with her then as well.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> W is showing signs of purposefully keeping blinders on to the fact she is incorrectly perceiving the situation. That has to change first.


But he has some ability to try to effectuate that change which is why I earlier suggested that he call her when he's out or bring home a little treat like a candy bar or 1 flower to help her see that he does think about her when he's away.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> On average I’d say we both spend at least 4 weekday evenings at home and spend time with our daughter then as well each other. Somedays she does fall asleep early if she’s not napped at nursery but that’s not every day. If I do go out in an evening I never go anywhere without coming home first and having dinner so I still get to spend a little time with her then as well.


Sounds good to me.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I always bring this up, but it's true. So many couples don't have a strong emotional connection. If you repair that, her complaints about time, golf, etc. should stop. She's feeling disconnected. She may need more affection, conversation, intimacy (with or without sex), or just quality couple time. 

Do you guys do date nights ever?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Right a person can be home without spending time with those who want them.


If I'm home and W wants me, I'm hers. I'll be nekkid first! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Maybe not totally relevant here. 😮
Edited to add if in fact she only wants a new shelf or to fix something, yes, that does happen.

Tbh, I've done some of that nekkid in only a tool belt for her amusement and appreciation. 
Got to be real cautious with sharp objects and power tools admittedly.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> But he has some ability to try to effectuate that change which is why I earlier suggested that he call her when he's out or bring home a little treat like a candy bar or 1 flower to help her see that he does think about her when he's away.


He should bring her a marriage improvement book with a candy bar and a flower taped to it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She can’t really complain if she isn’t willing to get a babysitter so you two can go out alone for date nights. She needs to get over that. 

That said, you’ve been vague about your “sport”. What is it and how much time is devoted to it outside of games or matches or whatever? You may devote more time to it than you realize. I do think each person needs their own interests aside from each other in a relationship. What does she do for herself aside from work?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> She can’t really complain if she isn’t willing to get a babysitter so you two can go out alone for date nights. She needs to get over that.
> 
> That said, you’ve been vague about your “sport”. What is it and how much time is devoted to it outside of games or matches or whatever? You may devote more time to it than you realize. I do think each person needs their own interests aside from each other in a relationship. What does she do for herself aside from work?
> 
> ...


If it's anything but naked bowling or jello wrestling at a ladies night it should be ok. But you raise a good question.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> She said to me recently that she feels I prioritize golf and sports ahead of her and our daughter which I told her was nonsense and hurt my feeling. She didn’t even seem to acknowledge that and just kept saying that how she felt. I told her if that was the case then I’d be away a hell of a lot more than I currently am.
> 
> I do feel I spend enough time with her and I spend time with my daughter after work as well but I’m not sure she sees that and only focuses on the days that I’m away which isn’t much at all.


@Pea-tear-griffin ,

May I make a suggestion? You are looking at this from the point of view "Are the feelings she's stating factual?" If you work 12 hours and sleep 8 hours, that leaves 4 hours of which you spend 2 with the family and 2 on other things like showering or commuting... so you figure factually she is "inaccurate" and you try to show her the inaccuracy of her statement. 

But that is not what she's saying. She is sharing with you how she feels. She feels "less than." And what's happening here is that she says "I feel 'less than'..." and you tell her "Your feelings aren't accurate." That's invalidating. You are telling her that how she feels isn't valid. 

Now...in your opinion she may not need to feel that way. Or "by the facts" she has no need to feel that way. Etc. But in real life, she DOES FEEL THAT WAY!!

So may I recommend a different approach? Rather than relating back to her the facts of how she is wrong and defending yourself, may I recommend that instead you say: _"Okay, let me just see if I understand what you are saying. (Paraphrase here) You feel bad or sad because you feel I put golf ahead of you and daughter. You feel like golf is a priority and you are not. You feel like I'd rather golf than be with you."_ You don't have to AGREE with her, just say back to her in your own words what you think she's trying to tell you. 

Now, not looking at it from a "Facts" point of view, but a "Feelings" point of view, what she's saying is that she feels golf=#1, daughter=#2, she=#3. And the good news is, she WANTS to feel wanted and loved by you! She's telling you she wants to spend time with you and have fun--she wants your love! But to her, that is not how she feels now. 

So you have a choice. You can: 1) correct her so that she is factually correct on the number of hours you spend on her in a given period, in which case she won't feel more loved by you... or 2) you can say back to her what you think you heard her say, and hear her message, which is that she feels "less than." Feeling "less than" is sad. Is that how you want someone you love to feel? If not, what are you going to do about it? Insist on your right to golf? 

I get it. Having your own hobbies and sports and friends and life as an individual is important and necessary to be a healthy, happy person. And part of her feeling "less than" may indeed be her own issues and stuff that she needs to address. But she is someone you claim to love, and she's saying to you that she feels not very valuable to you. So tell her_ "It sounds like you don't feel very valued at the moment. I love you and our relationship is the highest value to me, and I am willing to learn the ways that mean 'love' to you ... like *Quality Time* maybe. What I'm not willing to do is to be responsible for your sense of self-worth. That is something that I would love to support you in working on, though, so you can know in your heart what a priceless, valuable person you are from within your own heart."_


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

3 year olds are a whole lot of work. I imagine she would love to have you "spell" her with the toddler sometimes so she can go in the other room and do something or go shopping, etc. You should be watching the child yourself for her sometimes. I am sure she'd appreciate it. Family should come first, especially at this very exhausting age.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Pea-tear-griffin said:


> My wife has recently started to say that I am not spending enough time with her or our daughter and that I spend too much time playing golf or other sports. I probably average about 6-8 rounds a year max but I also play another sport which I used to do at a very high level professionally but since starting a family and moving house I have cut back a lot in order to spend more time with my family, at my wife's request. However, this now doesn't feel like its enough for her and I get the impression she would happily see me stop all sports and spend all my time at home. She very rarely asks me how I've got on when I get back, in fact the last time I came back it was her friend that asked me and not her.
> 
> We both work full-time but we do have many weekends free which we spend together and go and see both our families, but as we both live away from home we have to travel a fair distance each time so we tend to make a weekend of it.
> 
> ...


I don’t know how old your child is. If they are young I will give you this advice. You will never look back on your time with them and wished you were doing anything else. But if you were doing anything else but spending time with them you will regret it. “It won’t be like this for long”. Is very correct. There’s a small finite amount of time that you have with them when they are young, when it’s gone there’s no do overs. I’m not saying you can’t still have friends or do other stuff. But I would definitely prioritize this time with them.


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