# Is it over?



## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

My wife of 8 years says she has really had it this time and actually filed divorce papers. 

Long story short, for at least 6 or 7 of those years I have taken her for granted and even treated her badly. I never meant to but I would sometimes say things that would be hurtful and not even realize it. The worst of it though is that I have NEVER initiated sex and I ALWAYS walked away from problems. When she needed me, I wasn't there.

The issue of not being a man or having a backbone (like I have read many on here) has also been an issue. She has told me over and over again what the problems are and I continue to be pathetic, apathetic and destroy our relationship.

She's been berating me through text messages for the last hour, telling me how much she hates me and wants me dead...

I think she's really done this time. I've hurt and ignored the best thing that ever happened to me and I disregarded all of the vows I took at our wedding. I feel like an absolute piece of garbage.


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## loveandbeloved63 (Jul 30, 2012)

This might be the begining of your change. Recognizing your mistake is a start and you are there. Now take the next step by doing-action. 
We humans are creatures of habit, you can break a habit, and creat a habit. Show and tell her you want to change.
And start it


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

And this will be my husbands post as soon as I grow some to stand up for myself...I'm sorry you are here...wish you had listened to her I'm sure....I have tried to communicate my issues with Hubs...he says "we are fine" and that is the end...I am also at my end...I hope you both can work it out...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Losing,

Wheteher or not she comes back to you is a coin toss at this point

However, now that you've had your awakening, deal with these shortcomings so that you'll be an improved man down the road


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

I may have used up all my chances there though. This is not the first time she has been angry and hated me over these issues (well probably always there but not always outwardly showing).

We have been through this so many times and I have been told what the issues are. I keep saying I understand and that I will change and I never do. 

I never did anything about it and she now absolutely HATES me and does not believe a word I say.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

notperfectanymore said:


> And this will be my husbands post as soon as I grow some to stand up for myself...I'm sorry you are here...wish you had listened to her I'm sure....I have tried to communicate my issues with Hubs...he says "we are fine" and that is the end...I am also at my end...I hope you both can work it out...


NPA,

Why don't you give your husband this posting and delete your comments (copy and paste) and let him know how you feel in black and white?

Sorry for the thread jack


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say that it's not looking good. Best bet, start taking a good long look at yourself, and figure out what you want to fix for yourself. Then start working at it. If nothing else, it will set you up for the next relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

I have a lot to learn about being a man and a good husband. I found some books thru this site that i'll readand make changes in myself. I really wish I had sooner as my wife, best friend and the mother of my children may be gone for good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear. Ask her if she'll go to MC and/or delay the divorce a bit. Go buy the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today. You trashed yourself in your 1st post, and I agree that you had your share in messing up the marriage. I wonder though, if your W has a little part in this as well? Berating you with texts for an hour wishing you were dead? Does she possibly have a few issues as well?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Look at it from her perspective. If she came here and said all of this after she's given you so many chances...... not many of us would recommend remaining in the marriage.


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

No more mr nice guy is one of the books on my list! 

As for the MC I tried that before. Actually had the appointment but she wouldn't go.


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

As for looking at it from her perspective and what would be recommended if she came on here... I see that all too well. I wouldn't recommend her to stay in this marriage. I can see it but I haven't done anything about it. 

I've taken the easy way out every time. 

Does she have any blame in it? Probably. But she isn't one of those women who expect you to know what the problem is, she told me several times. I never did anything about it. I never changed...at least not for long. 

She has so much anger because she feels like I have wasted years of her life. I'd be angry too.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Go see a lawyer ASAP to learn your custody rights. Most will do a free initial consultation. You may not want to D, but she may force it on you, so protect yourself.


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

I haven't learned how to be a better man or husband yet but one thing I know absolutely for sure... my wife is a completely fair and reasonable person. She would never do anything unfair as far as custody goes. 

She is probably the most unselfish person you could ever know. 

Thank you for that advice thunderstruck and you may be right that she may force divorce. I told her I wouldn't sign and she said she'd sign it for me. But I know her well enough to know she wouldn't keep my from my kids.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Sorry to hear. Ask her if she'll go to MC and/or delay the divorce a bit. Go buy the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today. You trashed yourself in your 1st post, and I agree that you had your share in messing up the marriage. I wonder though, if your W has a little part in this as well? Berating you with texts for an hour wishing you were dead? Does she possibly have a few issues as well?


I really don't think that's a good idea. He _hasn't_ been a nice guy hence his marital problems. Reading No More Mr Nice Guy will only reinforce her perceptions of him.


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## BSanborn (Jul 30, 2012)

Got this email today - my wife and I have been having trouble for quite sometime now and we went to our first counseling session last week. I don't know what to do.


This is not easy to write. I am going to try to be more honest with you than I have ever been. 

I have tried for the last 6 years to get you to love me. I have tried to be enough for you. I tried everything I could think of. Maybe I wasnt speaking your "love language". But I tried. I have had my heart broken repeatedly by you. This year, I gave up. I quit emotionally. I checked out. I decided I didnt want to do it anymore. All I kept doing for the past 6 years is get hopeful, only to get disappointed again. It has slowly beaten me down. My honest feelings right now are that this will only be short lived. I dont think it will stay. I do not honestly believe a year from now, things will still be happening like he talked about in his book. I read the whole book, did my quiz, and I was hoping to feel differently than I do. I want to want to try. But in reality, I dont want to. I have given up on us. I went to Columbus hoping to miss you, and I didnt. I wanted to be excited to see you again, and I wasnt. I was relieved when I got home and you werent here. I feel horrible for feeling this way, I do. But I am also tired for feeling guilty for feeling the way I do. I need to realize that it is okay for me to feel how I do. 

I am not saying that I cant eventually get back to that place in our relationship. Part of me does want that. But I feel like you are trying too hard too soon. I am very overwhelmed, almost smothered. I cant go from 0 to 60 like this. I need time to figure out what I want. I have no idea what I want. I am not asking you to completely stop what you are doing, but I need some space. I do see you trying, dont think that I dont, I just dont know what to do with it. 

I am sorry if any of this hurt you.


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I really don't think that's a good idea. He _hasn't_ been a nice guy hence his marital problems. Reading No More Mr Nice Guy will only reinforce her perceptions of him.


I do think reading that book is good advice for me. The reason I say this is because she told me many times I want man enough and didn't have a backbone. Sounds like this book deals with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry your marriage is ending. Because you are here seeking advice, I think you are showing certainly more character than she laid out in her email/letter to you.

I get that she is the most wonderful, beautiful woman in the world to you but she's done.

I think your next wife will benefit from the changes you want to make.

Good luck.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Get yourself into counseling. Figure out why you have behaved this way. Choose not to be this kind of person anymore. 

Apologize. See if she will give you another chance if you demonstrate change.

My stbxh behaved horrendously and I would have taken him back if he'd agreed to change his ways. She may not have given up entirely but may be fed up with your neglect. She may have given up, though; if she has, then respect her wishes and let her go.

Go work on you for a while. Even if she doesn't change her mind, you'll be a better partner for the next woman you get together with and you'll feel better about having made some positive changes to yourself.


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