# Looking for input to figure out if its just me or am I just a lost cause



## lostonaisland (Jun 13, 2021)

So I have been married to my wife for 27 years. I have one daughter that's 16. 

I have never been one to give up easy. So about 15 years ago it went from OK to going down hill. I have won around 9 trips all expense paid for 2 to places with a lot of sand out side the country. I passed on all of them because my wife would not leave my daughter or fly. If work had an award night that was 2 hours away she would have he sister comes and stay in another room with my daughter. I have never had a date night with my wife since my daughter was born. Not for the lack of trying. Even if I tried to surprise her she would get mad and want everybody along. In the last 16 years any time we go on vacation we have to take my sister-in-law and 2 nephew with us (she is divorced). She calls everyone in her family at least 1 time a day. She is dependent on me for some things, Like when she is afraid to do something. But overall she will not make a decision until she hears everyone opinion than she will make it look like it is my idea to do it. In these cases it will be either my daughter or nephews idea that she picks. I learned a while back that I am not first on any list, even the last to argument I brought that up she told be I was wrong that I'm not at the bottom. She does not let me discipline my daughter at all and she lets he do everything. She treats my daughter friends as her friends (male and female). She even has their phone numbers on her phone. If I did that they would arrest me. I stated taking a anti depressed about 2 years ago because I was having trouble dealing with it. My wife constantly ask me what I ate for lunch and if it is something good she gets agitated. She has several health issues that could get worse if she don't watch her weight but instead she doesn't care but makes fun of people that are bigger than her. She will not dance but likes to make fun of people that do. As for life in the bedroom. once a month if I'm lucky and plead my case, but it can easily go 3 months. I recently spelled it out for her the other day on a lot of the issues. 1. put me first occasionally 2. have my daughter pick up her laundry out of my bathroom. 3. Her just turned 18 year old boyfriend should not be under the covers with her even if the door is open. 4. stop undermining me when I tell my daughter to do something. I manage to get the Laundry issue resolved.


oh and my daughter told us she was bi- last year. So the main issue I have is if my daughter is BI- why in the hell does my wife allow other girls come to the house for sleep overs????

Divorce make me feel like I'm giving up, but depression is bad sometimes and I'm not sure what happiness is anymore. My biggest fear it thinking the grass is greener on the other side.



Any advice is appreciated .


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Tell your daughter your rules, and spell out consequences for breaking them. Then, follow through. 

I'm tempted to say the same for your wife, but you don't want a parent /child relationship with her. Tell her these things are unacceptable and creating a serious wedge between the two of you. Invite her to come up with ideas of how to fix these things, and what a time frame for measurable progress should look like.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'm sorry you are here. You state that divorce makes you feel like you are giving up. Giving up on what? From what you say in your post, it sounds like you have given up on many things in your life: on being a father for your daughter, from being a husband and lover, on living a happy life, on eating good food, etc. You have been allowing all of the above, which means you have give up on a dignified life, so what is really preventing you from divorcing your wife?
Also, I find it curious that you say "my daughter" and not "our daughter." Language betrays our thoughts. In your mind you have already separated from your wife. Am I wrong?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can we have some background, your child? Or together child?

This sounds like a miserable life, and if you don’t want to divorce, I would recommend accepting thing for how they are - with one condition: that you start living a life for yourself and throw everything to the wind! Does that sound liberating?

So, your daughter doesn’t want to listen and your wife undermines you here? Who cares, let that go and let your daughter do whatever she likes!

Wife doesn’t talk to you much or involve you much because she wants her family around all the time? That’s cool too, it’s time for you to reconnect with your family and friends! There are many wonderful conversations to be had and phone calls to look forward to.

She doesn’t want to go on dates? You’re going to get a night-time hobby or passion. She complains about people and food and everything? Just say mmmmm when you’re eating food that you like.

Honestly shake all this off, and start with looking forward to the little things. I’m hearing that you’re unhappy, or at least letting everyone else around you get you down, so don’t!! Pfft! Who cares about them, it sounds like they don’t care… isn’t that a hard pill to swallow?

So that’s where you wake up and start thinking about YOU, all the things you’ve never wanted to do, all the worries all the cares. Live your best life and I bet you your wife is going to take notice 😉


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘Divorce makes me feel like I am giving up’ but you don’t need a divorce to give up first. Try something different - give up all that baggage and try a fresh symbolic start on your on own.

And see what follows in a year or two.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## lostonaisland (Jun 13, 2021)

coquille said:


> I'm sorry you are here. You state that divorce makes you feel like you are giving up. Giving up on what? From what you say in your post, it sounds like you have given up on many things in your life: on being a father for your daughter, from being a husband and lover, on living a happy life, on eating good food, etc. You have been allowing all of the above, which means you have give up on a dignified life, so what is really preventing you from divorcing your wife?
> Also, I find it curious that you say "my daughter" and not "our daughter." Language betrays our thoughts. In your mind you have already separated from your wife. Am I wrong?


No your right, I have started giving up on a lot of things over the last few years. Its good to see everyones feedback. I have tried to keep the peace for way to long. I am getting to the point that I know there needs to be change just for my sanity. I had hoped my last conversation with my wife would have changed more that just my daughter picking up laundry. I even told her we should go to counseling and got no response. I think she is in a dream world where I will never have the guts to leave, because she acts like everything is ok.


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## lostonaisland (Jun 13, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Can we have some background, your child? Or together child?
> 
> This sounds like a miserable life, and if you don’t want to divorce, I would recommend accepting thing for how they are - with one condition: that you start living a life for yourself and throw everything to the wind! Does that sound liberating?
> 
> ...


It's our child. I have started letting a lot of this go. There are too many things that I can not change. I guess I need to start on the one thing I can change me.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

lostonaisland said:


> No your right, I have started giving up on a lot of things over the last few years. Its good to see everyones feedback. I have tried to keep the peace for way to long. I am getting to the point that I know there needs to be change just for my sanity. I had hoped my last conversation with my wife would have changed more that just my daughter picking up laundry. I even told her we should go to counseling and got no response. I think she is in a dream world where I will never have the guts to leave, because she acts like everything is ok.


Leaving takes courage, but once you make this decision, everything else becomes more clear to you. Just keep in mind that we live only once.


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

I know how frustrating it is when you reach the point of "what else can I do" and your spouse won't even meet you half way. It sounds like a very one sided relationship and you're going to become resentful at some point if things don't change. I feel like I kind of relate to your story and I hope you can figure things out to make a change for the better.


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