# What is your hurt frequency?



## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

I am curious to find out how often average spouses/partners are saddened by something their spouse/partner says or does. In my case my spouse does or says something so completely self-centric that it shatters my everyday world - roughly every few weeks. 

EDIT1: It's a brief, all-encompassing moment that makes me wonder why I am even living with her.

EDIT2: What would be a healthy frequency? Is there one?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

With words? At least weekly.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@RClawson ouch, sorry to hear that. Mine used to be 1.5 weeks, now it's around 2.5.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Just happened yesterday. I even Alpha'd up and it did not even phase her. I am still astonished every time it happens.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'm not sure it's a fair question -- I mean, we're all human, we all get our feelings hurt all the time -- doesn't mean other people mean to.

Having said that, mine? Probably once a month, maybe less. We communicate pretty well.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I'm not sure it's a fair question -- I mean, we're all human, we all get our feelings hurt all the time -- doesn't mean other people mean to.
> 
> Having said that, mine? Probably once a month, maybe less. We communicate pretty well.


It is so true Lamaga. No one is perfect. I would never tell you that we had never said hurtful things to one another on occasion but ever since she began to make more than me it has become routine. She used to pull the "I make more money than you card constantly". I never in a million years would have considered playing that card in our first 19 years of marriage and it makes me a bit sad to think that she has ever done it. 

Yesterday after a great morning (movies and lunch together) she needed to get to work because she had a pile of stuff to do. I had dropped off her car to get some routine maintenance done and they were about 45 minutes later than what they thought. After I commented that it was not a big deal in the grand scheme she stated in and angry and frustrated manner that if she had known she was going to lose an hour of work time she would have never gone to the movies and lunch with me. I am always amazed when she makes insensitive statements like these. So I withdrew for the rest of the day and kept my distance, went to a wedding reception with my daughters and maintained the distance when I got home. 

About 11:30 last night she asks me to come to bed and let's me know "she's been thinking of me all day". Nice but it makes me wonder why she has been firing darts at me with her icy stares since she got home from work. The highs and lows are exhausting emotionally for me.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

RClawson said:


> The highs and lows are exhausting emotionally for me.


This is very true for me too.
For some reason no matter how I try to improve communication between us sometimes it's just impossible to have a "normal" conversation with my wife. She would just get angry, not talk anymore to me for minutes or hours depending on how mad she is. 

Thing is I never get mad in the first place. I always try to be talkative and explain my point of view especially because english is not my mother tongue.

Then when she calms down she says that she's sorry,wada,wada, wada, but we can never finish the discussion, she would avoid it. I tried to talk to her about this behaviour many times without success.

I am learning not to be affected by her burst of anger but it's emotionally draining for me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

3-5x a day on average. Predictably first thing in the morning, several times during the day e.g. every time I walk into a room where she is. And between 9-11pm each night. I wouldn't say 'saddened'. More like irritated over her fuming anger, resulting in her complaining about something or barking out some bizarre order like "We have to fumigate the entire house right NOW!" or "Don't use the shower in our room anymore!"


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I remember seeing something years ago regarding how happily married couples interact compared to their not so happy counterparts.

The researchers concluded that in happy marriages, positive interactions outweighed the negatives 10:1.

Not big positives - but a smile, a hug or a compliment...in addition to the bigger things.

Still sounds a bit extreme to me - but still - a reminder to at least offset those negative actions with more positives.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

It was usually 2-5 times a day...

Now we are barely talking during our separation,,so feels kinda strange not having to feel like a heel or defend myself over nothing.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

In our case it's not hurtful words it's his hurtful actions, unless he remedies his action it's an ongoing hurt. It's impossible to put a number to it, it depends on the people around us which causes this hurt from my husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

At least half-a-dozen times per day. I've always been one to ask her questions or for her advice, most that would only require a "yes or no," or at the extreme, a very short answer. I just kept on getting those same belittling, caustic, and sarcastic answers from her to the effect of "I already told you that," "you already know the answer to that," or the ever rich  "why don't you just try thinking outside the box."

Add to that another hurtful cliche of hers, "looks like you need to get your hearing tested again!"(I actually did one time to shut her up and the ENT MD found me to be fine~ then she started questioning his credentials!

Separated now, for a little over a year, we rarely communicate, more especially given the recent start of divorce litigation!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

What do these people get out hurting their spouses feelings so often? Words hurt and if you are hurt often, it is natural to pull away and not communicate or become resentful and then no one is happy. 

Spouses who lash out at their loved ones for no reason need to be fitted with a shock collar. Everytime they say something nasty and hurtful, give them a good shock, on 10 (don't start slow on setting number 1, give em all the juice). If they wish to behave like an azz, treat them like one. ZAP! And why not? They are zapping their spouses with their poisonous words.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

endlessgrief said:


> What do these people get out hurting their spouses feelings so often? Words hurt and if you are hurt often, it is natural to pull away and not communicate or become resentful and then no one is happy.
> 
> Spouses who lash out at their loved ones for no reason need to be fitted with a shock collar. Everytime they say something nasty and hurtful, give them a good shock, on 10 (don't start slow on setting number 1, give em all the juice). If they wish to behave like an azz, treat them like one. ZAP! And why not? They are zapping their spouses with their poisonous words.


I think a lot of them are very unhappy with themselves. They make themselves feel better by putting others down.

To me, the real question is why people tolerate this kind of treatment...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I think a lot of them are very unhappy with themselves. They make themselves feel better by putting others down.
> 
> To me, the real question is why people tolerate this kind of treatment...


When I ultimately stood up to my STBXW about her caustic attitude and belittling verbage richly aimed my way, she seemed to get her feelings hurt in that she felt an inate sense of entitlement to do those things. Even people who have known her longer than I have greatly attested to that.

I truly think that it's just a part of her overall psychological make-up. Perhaps she'd be better off with some one who is richly into doling out verbal abuse and cutting remarks as much as she is!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think I look at this differently.

I grew up in a family with sharp tongues and hot tempers. It was a regular thing to hear someone get all bent out of shape over something relatively trivial. I do not think its admirable to be that way, and I have had to work hard my whole adult life to unlearn some of these damaging behaviors.

One of the things that I learned along the way was that while we can't control what someone says or does to us, we can control our reaction. I have a fairly easy time letting things roll off my back and I am not quick to take offense. I try to read between the lines. For example, someone mentioned their spouse saying they wished they had skipped the movie/lunch that morning because it caused them to miss time at work. I have heard similar things my whole life, and I see this as simply stress response. I would ask calmly that the other person take a moment to hear what they just said, and help them see the root of why they lashed out. Then I let it go, and / or distance myself until the mood clears. But I don't take it personally or hold a grudge.

So with that said, it is rare for me to really get my feelings hurt or get emotional about something. There are some key buttons that I still have that when pushed, I will have to fight hard not to react, but that is rare. I am forgiving to a lot of my husbands missteps because I make mistakes myself and im still deep in the process of unlearning the ugly behaviors passed down from my upbringing and I want my husband to be forgiving with me too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I've never noticed a frequency, but it happened yesterday. For some reason, we were talking about his ex-wife and I criticized her, and he unbelievably came to her defence. It's like he has completely forgotten (and forgiven her for) cheating and taking his children away from him...


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> I think a lot of them are very unhappy with themselves. They make themselves feel better by putting others down.
> 
> To me, the real question is why people tolerate this kind of treatment...


The first 12 years of our marriage was wonderful. We communicated great, were always positive, etc. The last 2 not so much. H is utterly defensive, I cannot bring any subject up with out him yelling and screaming blame. His standard answer to any issue is "you think what you think and you have already made up your mind that you are right.and I think what I think and thats the way it is. There is not discussion, no give and take, no seeing another point of view. WHy have I put up with it? Because he suffered a brain injury (stroke) and I am desperately hoping he will go back to the old guy I married. I am getting to the end of my rope, though.


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