# Hope after signing divorce petition.



## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi all.
For those who have read my previous thread, I am now coming to the end of the 14 day period where I am expected to sign the divorce papers. Its breaking my heart but I have little choice I think. My wife has an agenda where after I sign, she wants me to move out to give her space to process her pain and move on and ultimately sell the house.

Can there still be a way to turn things around once papers have been signed? It will be a straight forward divorce lasting 6 months as all our financial and child agreements will be done between us in a hopefully amicable way. 

I have started counselling and my wife talks to me and is pleasant to some degree. We talk about the kids mainly and occasionally she will mention my porn addiction. I compliment her and keep the house in order and look after the kids better than I ever did. Just trying to keep a happy house.

She is hurting and says she doesn't love me and feels the last times we had sex, felt like sleeping with the enemy! 
She says she tried hard for a year to save the marriage but I don't remember us ever discussing anything. We just didn't communicate. I'm lost and scared at the prospect if a divorce. It seems so final and I don't want to quit on a future with her and the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you had a lawyer look the papers over?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What does your lawyer tell you?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

The lawyer just said there is little that can be done as the marriage has broken down. It didn't need to be as detailed but her lawyer just wrote down what my wife told her to say. The only thing I could contest is the court fees or if there were financial or custody issues which would require mediaition but that is not the case right now


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

My wife sent me a link to an article last night. It talks about letting go even if you want another chance. I am so confused by it. I don't know if she is just using guilt to make me leave the house sooner or if she really does mean that with giving her space and time and me working on myself, we could work on the marriage in the future?
I have not been begging her or pressuring her at all infact, I am in therapy and working on me anyway.

Please advise me what you think.

http://digitalromanceinc.com/mens/w...rm=let-go-of-ex&utm_content=&utm_campaign=dri


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> My wife sent me a link to an article last night. It talks about letting go even if you want another chance. I am so confused by it. I don't know if she is just using guilt to make me leave the house sooner or if she really does mean that with giving her space and time and me working on myself, we could work on the marriage in the future?
> I have not been begging her or pressuring her at all infact, I am in therapy and working on me anyway.
> 
> Please advise me what you think.
> ...


I think you continue to overanalyze her every twitch and eyebrow movement.

No life for you is possible in this condition.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> My wife sent me a link to an article last night. It talks about letting go even if you want another chance. I am so confused by it. I don't know if she is just using guilt to make me leave the house sooner or if she really does mean that with giving her space and time and me working on myself, we could work on the marriage in the future?
> I have not been begging her or pressuring her at all infact, I am in therapy and working on me anyway.
> 
> Please advise me what you think.
> ...



I think she's saying that maybe, someday, in the future, if the stars align, there could be a reconciliation IF....never say never....but don't count on it.

By that article, it looks like she simply wants you to let go of all the bad feelings surrounding the end of the marriage and move on. I think she wants you to go on with your life as a happier and healthier person and she wants to go on with her life also as a happier and healthier person.

Judging by everything you've said, the marriage has been over for her for a long time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The articles gist was for you to move on. That's what she wants, for you to move on WITHOUT her. You still have not accepted that, and will be hurting bad until you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

That article she sent you shouldn't be confusing at all. The divorce has been filed and is almost final, it is time for you to focus on yourself and move on.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Andy101 said:


> My wife sent me a link to an article last night. It talks about letting go even if you want another chance. I am so confused by it. I don't know if she is just using guilt to make me leave the house sooner or if she really does mean that with giving her space and time and me working on myself, we could work on the marriage in the future?
> I have not been begging her or pressuring her at all infact, I am in therapy and working on me anyway.
> 
> Please advise me what you think.
> ...


Easy.

Take her word for it.

Look at the words she uses in black and white. If she say she wants out then receive those words in that manner.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Easy.
> 
> Take her word for it.
> 
> Look at the words she uses in black and white. If she say she wants out then receive those words in that manner.


When people show you who they are, believe them.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

She's done with you and want you to get the message once and for all because obviously you have not.

It's over dude.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I quickily looked at her phone when a message came through and it was from a male friend who had been flirting with her months ago. I'm not sure if she is planning something or if it is just him joking around like he does. He would never leave or jepordize his marriage. The thing is, that there has always been secrecy with her. She sleeps with her phone password protected under her pillow and has always been a closed book. 

I said to her that I would go away and work on myself and hopefully there maybe a chance in the future. She said that we are on different pages and that a reconciliation will not happen and she just wants to be happy as a single mom. 

She wants me to move out of the house as soon as possible to give her space to process all the hurt? She said I need to put her first and leave. Should I just go? She said that if I don't she will contact the lawyer and discuss a financial settlement rather than us agreeing out of court? 

God I feel so broken. I know I need to move on but feel so helpless. I never thought I would have to walk away from my marriage without a fight. Not seeing the girls and having to start from scratch seems so cruel. I know we had no intimacy for a long time. We could have worked on that. How can I move on? How can I walk away?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I've been lurking on your thread. I'm sorry this has happened to your family. 

How do you move on? You do, one foot in front of the other. You do to preserve your dignity. You do to take care of yourself and begin to heal. You do and it's painful. 

It will not be easy. It will be necessary...better to do it on your own then have her control it all. 

Sometimes...you have to let them walk away.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> I quickily looked at her phone when a message came through and it was from a male friend who had been flirting with her months ago. I'm not sure if she is planning something or if it is just him joking around like he does. He would never leave or jepordize his marriage. The thing is, that there has always been secrecy with her. She sleeps with her phone password protected under her pillow and has always been a closed book.
> 
> I said to her that I would go away and work on myself and hopefully there maybe a chance in the future. She said that we are on different pages and that a reconciliation will not happen and she just wants to be happy as a single mom.
> 
> ...


I think you continue to overanalyze her every twitch and eyebrow movement.

No life for you is possible in this condition.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> I said to her that I would go away and work on myself and hopefully there maybe a chance in the future.


That's just weak. And unattractive. "If" there was any chance at her re-developing an attraction towards you, that sort of "Beta" behavior will just push her further away. Women want strong, independent men, not a guy who will do whatever it takes to win her back and will conveniently get out of her way and work to make himself better in the hopes she will "take him back".



Andy101 said:


> She said that we are on different pages and that a reconciliation will not happen and she just wants to be happy as a single mom.


She wants to be happy with some other guy. Take her word for it when she says there will be no reconciliation, that's about the only thing she's telling you that you can believe.



Andy101 said:


> She wants me to move out of the house as soon as possible to give her space to process all the hurt?


No, she wants you out of the way so she can continue her affair without you in the way. He'll be sleeping in your bed within a month after you leave.



Andy101 said:


> She said I need to put her first and leave. Should I just go?


No, you should not leave. You should say to her "if you want out of this marriage, there's the door".



Andy101 said:


> She said that if I don't she will contact the lawyer and discuss a financial settlement rather than us agreeing out of court?


She's hardballing you. Get out of her life or she'll lawyer up. 

Grow a set. Tell her you're not moving out, she can leave, and if she wants a fast, easy divorce then she needs to make you a settlement offer that you can comfortably live with. 

I know, it takes a big change in attitude and how you react to her and how you do things, but think about it. How far have you gotten in your life doing things the way you've been doing them all along?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> I quickily looked at her phone when a message came through and it was from a male friend who had been flirting with her months ago. I'm not sure if she is planning something or if it is just him joking around like he does. He would never leave or jepordize his marriage. The thing is, that there has always been secrecy with her. She sleeps with her phone password protected under her pillow and has always been a closed book.
> 
> I said to her that I would go away and work on myself and hopefully there maybe a chance in the future. She said that we are on different pages and that a reconciliation will not happen and she just wants to be happy as a single mom.
> 
> ...


Clearly she is done and you HAVE to move on. My question, is WHY does she expect YOU to be the one to move out? I have always believed that the one who wants out is the one who should leave, unless THEY own the home, or the partner they are divorcing cheated, or caused the harm, etc. So is the issue in the marriage the porn addiction you mentioned? Other women in some way? Maybe I need to go check previous threads...

If you are not the one doing harm in the situation, then SHE should be the one to leave.

EDIT: I went through and read previous threads...you two are a mess. Do whatever is needed to get the divorce done.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

After speaking to the lawyer, we will have a document written stating that our financial rights will not be affected by me moving out. She was prepared to leave but it would mean her moving away as rents are too high in our town. I agreed to go. I couldn't continue to see the children confused and my w so upset everyday. Now that we will have our interests protected, I will give her space to deal with all the grief I have put her through with my porn problem.

Since agreeing to go, she has lightened up. She is speaking to me as she used to taking an interest in me and wants us to remain good friends. She still wants the divorce though.

I am wondering if by continuing therapy and doing a 180 we could reconcile after the divorce? Maybe she will soften in time but right now she wants to process all the pain of betrayal that she is feeling. 

She says she has clarity now and doesn't need another man to make her happy but how can she be so certain of her feelings if she needs to work on them?


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Well it is good that you are seeking counseling for your addiction. Has she told you how the addiction has made her feel? She's a woman, she wants to feel like a priority to you and wants to feel like she is first before your porn addiction. She may feel betrayed and not want intimate relations anymore. I'm not sure if you can turn this around, but if you really want to make it work, I would do the 180, don't push her into a reconciliation, give her space and work with a counselor.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm still trying to get past the "phone under the pillow".

When my old lady was doing that...she was hiding her boyfriend.

My thinking is that it's not so much her processing her grief but more in lines of getting you out of the way.

With that said, I suggest you have something written into the papper work that prevent her bringing another man into the home and around your kids.

If your old lady is honest about why she wants you out so bad then it should be no problem.....if I'm correct in my thinking then at least the kids will protected from her unhealthy choices to bring another man around your kids so soon.

I wouldn't move out but I respect your decision to do so....just protect your kids by getting this cluase put into writing.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> After speaking to the lawyer, we will have a document written stating that our financial rights will not be affected by me moving out. She was prepared to leave but it would mean her moving away as rents are too high in our town. I agreed to go. I couldn't continue to see the children confused and my w so upset everyday. Now that we will have our interests protected, I will give her space to deal with all the grief I have put her through with my porn problem.
> 
> Since agreeing to go, she has lightened up. She is speaking to me as she used to taking an interest in me and wants us to remain good friends. She still wants the divorce though.
> 
> ...



When you say "the lawyer", do you mean her lawyer? You need your very own lawyer, one not paid by, or representing her interests, but your interest, and yours alone. You are really not in any condition to be agreeing to things that will have serious consequences for your life once you manage to wake and face reality.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need your own lawyer.

When a wife wants her husband out of the house so bad, there is a reason. You're not mistreating her, so I'd say it's to see someone else--- as stated above.

You need it written in the papers that no one can spend after 10pm in the house. Also, if one spouse has to take the other to court over violating the agreement, the loser pays the winners lawyer fees. 

This mRriafe is over. You will never get her back. You need to accept this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> I quickily looked at her phone when a message came through and it was from a male friend who had been flirting with her months ago. I'm not sure if she is planning something or if it is just him joking around like he does. He would never leave or jepordize his marriage. The thing is, that there has always been secrecy with her. She sleeps with her phone password protected under her pillow and has always been a closed book.
> 
> I said to her that I would go away and work on myself and hopefully there maybe a chance in the future. She said that we are on different pages and that a reconciliation will not happen and she just wants to be happy as a single mom.
> 
> ...


*Take a deep breath, Andy! I as well as many of my brethren here at TAM feel your pain!

Having said that, please help yourself by not contesting the divorce process, but by embracing some very good individual counseling in helping you feel better about it by reaching a resolution! They are out there waiting for you to call them!

Do yourself a favor and take advantage of outside help. They can help you get your head screwed on right!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

It doesn't look good for the marriage. Our eldest have taken her moms side over all this and filmed me talking to my mother, then showed it to my wife saying look mommy, daddy was talking about you! 

She has also now changed her password on facebook. I really want to check her phone as things are getting very suspicious. Should I take it from under her pillow? What if she wakes up? I need to know if there is another man for my peace of mind or would it make me feel worst?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

There is another man. 

Only thing really in question is who it is.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Andy101 said:


> It doesn't look good for the marriage. Our eldest have taken her moms side over all this and filmed me talking to my mother, then showed it to my wife saying look mommy, daddy was talking about you!
> 
> She has also now changed her password on facebook. I really want to check her phone as things are getting very suspicious. Should I take it from under her pillow? What if she wakes up? I need to know if there is another man for my peace of mind or would it make me feel worst?



It doesn't matter if there is or not. Everything screams that there absolutely is though, is that what you need to tear off the bandaid, and start focusing on yourself, and your kids? Are you getting your own independent legal advice?


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

We have agreed to have a deed of trust written by my lawyer which will protect my interests.

Tonight my wife looked at me with loving eyes and hugged me. She said she wants me to be her friend!!? Wtf? 

I don't know wether this is guilt or another guy? I am told her that we can be friends as long as she realises how I feel about her. She said that she'd rather my feelings were platonic. Confused and feel worse than I did when we were arguing!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Andy101 said:


> We have agreed to have a deed of trust written by my lawyer which will protect my interests.
> 
> Tonight my wife looked at me with loving eyes and hugged me. She said she wants me to be her friend!!? Wtf?
> 
> I don't know wether this is guilt or another guy? I am told her that we can be friends as long as she realises how I feel about her. She said that she'd rather my feelings were platonic. Confused and feel worse than I did when we were arguing!


Usually they want to be friends to justify. The other man will surface soon. But you're friends so it's all good, right????

Did you ever check your phone bill?


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Andy

You are incrediblely weak and can't not be around your wife. You need to get out of there. (I would say kick her out but that doesn't look like its going to happen)

Either way you are just to vulnerable to be around her. She is seeing someone else, my wife did the same thing with the phone. It's clear as day my friend

You have no choice to protect yourself now and start working on becoming a better Andy. It's the cards you have been dealt, play them as best as you can!!


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I have not checked her phone yet. I am sitting here waiting for her to fall into a deep sleep then I'll snoop. Alarm bells are ringing. She can't be being honest with me with her history. I just don't know what to think. I am vulnerable. I am still clinging on hoping I can change her mind about us. But friends? We have the kids to think about so we have to get along but I couldn't stand by and watch her date someone else. I haven't even left the house. She took off her wedding ring the other day for good. I can feel the adrenaline pumping as I write this!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

"We can be friends"???

Um...NO *UCKING WAY!

Thing is, when you find out this evening that she is cheating on you, I hope you come to the proper conclusion that no one needs, lying, backstabbing, cheating, disloyal friends like her.

Then tell her that there is no way in hell you will be 'friends' with her. Co-parents and that is about it.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

Today was awful. We had a family support worker who has been helping deal with my issues with my eldest daugter visit. He wanted to seemy w and I and he wanted to know what the deal was with our marriage. 
He then stated that the marriage was over and I have to get over it! He then turned to my wife and said 'I bet you can't wait for him to leave the house!' She just smiled. I felt so humiliated. I couldn't believe what he had said. It seems everyone we know has a negative opinion of our marriage now that we are divorcing. Nobody is standing to help save it except me! She continues to blame me for the breakdown of the marriage taking no responsibility for anything. 

She also seems to enjoy all the cliches surrounding divorce. She can't wait for me to tell my 4 year old daughter that I'm leaving! 

Don't know what to do next. She wants our relationship to evolve into a frienship where we both co parent the children amicably and she found an appartment close by for me to rent. Need some advice as I am getting worn out by all this.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> Today was awful. We had a family support worker who has been helping deal with my issues with my eldest daugter visit. He wanted to seemy w and I and he wanted to know what the deal was with our marriage.
> He then stated that the marriage was over and I have to get over it! He then turned to my wife and said 'I bet you can't wait for him to leave the house!' She just smiled. I felt so humiliated. I couldn't believe what he had said. It seems everyone we know has a negative opinion of our marriage now that we are divorcing. Nobody is standing to help save it except me! She continues to blame me for the breakdown of the marriage taking no responsibility for anything.
> 
> She also seems to enjoy all the cliches surrounding divorce. She can't wait for me to tell my 4 year old daughter that I'm leaving!
> ...


Dude you have gotten tons of advice....your not choosing to listen to it.
File for the divorce...180 for everything except the kids 

You can NOT nice her back or Persuade her to come back.

All you can do is move on, start working on yourself and be a parent to you child.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Andy101 said:


> Today was awful. We had a family support worker who has been helping deal with my issues with my eldest daughter visit. He wanted to see my w and I and he wanted to know what the deal was with our marriage.
> He then stated that the marriage was over and I have to get over it! He then turned to my wife and said 'I bet you can't wait for him to leave the house!' She just smiled. I felt so humiliated. I couldn't believe what he had said. .


Is she F'ing that guy? 

I would have been tempted to take the guy out back and beat his a$$. 

What a d!ck.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Man your wife sounds like a real prize! I don't know what you see in this crappy woman to want to stay with her.

I would be driven to porn if I were married to her too. 

Divorce her ass and never look back. She's definitely cheated on you already. Perhaps with multiple men.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

I went to counselling to tonight. Seems I 've lost my self worth and my w refuses to take any responsibility for any if our problems. 
When I went home. She wanted to know what was discussed. She tgen continued to find negatives in every part of our marriage. Even good times, so I thought, were problematic in her eyes. We ended up arguing and she said she doesn't care how I feel. She just gets angry for me even suggesting my take on situations that happened. I am to blame and I have to take all the responsibility. Feel like crap. She says that we can't sit on the sofa together because it leads to arguments. But she picks a fight too easily and makes out I have started it! It's hard to talk to her as its a one way street. She continues to want me out asap. and has deleated all good memories. We have to remain amicable for the sake of the kids but its hard when she will not listen to me. I feel like a doormat Is it possible that I was such a bad husband? How can we work things out when I feel like her enemy?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Dude. You cannot work things out. Get with the program. It's great your wife found a nearby apartment, suggest she moves into it ASAP.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop talking to her. 

File for divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I dunno how can you expect anything else???? 

Whining isn't going to get you anywhere.

What are you doing about becoming something better????

You just sit around taking what life gives you????

You aren't even trying it seems like.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

Andy101 said:


> Don't know what to do next. She wants our relationship to evolve into a frienship where we both co parent the children amicably and she found an appartment close by for me to rent. Need some advice as I am getting worn out by all this.


You need to stop fighting this and accept the inevitable, once you do it will be much easier to take the next steps.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

So after the week being marred by arguments about our marriage, the last few days improved with both of us stopping any discussions about it. We concentrated on talking about the kids and small talk. We were able to share a laugh and joke in the evening and I gave her my full attention, really listening. She seems more receptive and upbeat around me and she even fixed me lunch. She even mentioned her ideas of romantic holidays. I complimented her on her appearance which I rarely did before. She looks at me whilst I'm with the kids, almost analyzing me. She went to her mothers for a 2 days and before going, she daid, I bet you can't wait for us to go and leave you in peace! I said, I love having you and the kids here! Almost seems like she is testing me? 

We have been in contact over the weekend but I still have to move out soon which the thought is killing me. I can just about manage 2 days without her and the kids. 

I have been told many times now to detach but don't know how to when my family are my world. Does anybody have any ideas how to focus? I will have to see her because of the kids so it will be hard as I will look forward to seeing her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop talking to her.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

She is separate from the kids, you know that, right? You can split time with the kids 50/50. Don't agree to anything less. And she is the one initiating the split, she can move, she can upend her life to pursue her whim, you do not have to.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Excercising, focus on improving yourself, stay busy doing what you need to get done.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Andy- You are not getting it, you are not using the 180. 
Accept the fact your getting divorced if she comes back someday and you want her back then, it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't.
Clinging to hope and over analyzing her every word is not helping you and quite the contrary its putting you on an emotional roller coaster. 
Become familiar with the grieving process which ultimately brings acceptance.
Best thing you can do for yourself is be ok with the break up.
She wants a divorce fine-show her what life is like without you.
She calls don't go running to the phone unless it is something that demands you immediate attention tell her its nice you called but you are busy. 
Be civil with your soon to be ex so you can get through the divorce process without it going haywire and for the sake of your kids, but that's it anything more and you asking for hurt.
I've been where you are at-be a man, preserve your self worth, and be the best father you can be and disengage yourself from the ex so you can get on with your own life-she has made the decision to let you go a long time ago has grieved and now she is ok with it.
This is the best food for thought I can give you.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

gulfwarvet said:


> Andy- You are not getting it, you are not using the 180.
> Accept the fact your getting divorced if she comes back someday and you want her back then, it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't.
> Clinging to hope and over analyzing her every word is not helping you and quite the contrary its putting you on an emotional roller coaster.
> Become familiar with the grieving process which ultimately brings acceptance.
> ...


I know what you are saying and yes I do need to move on. I don't know how to do a 180 whilst still living here. She has always made all the decisions in the marriage as my self worth declined. Even now I am almost scared of her reactions. I have calculated my finances for the next three months and cannot afford to move out pay rent and half the mortgage on the house until May and am nervous of telling her. I am getting ok with her generally as we talk about the kids mostly. She even wants to help me find a place to live and furniture to go in it! She wants me to only take a 6 month lease on a property so that a more permenant arrangement can be made then. I don't know if it is a sign of hope or if she is playing with me. It's so frustrating.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

The co- dependency has to stop.
You were a three dimensional person before you met this woman. It seems to me you need to find yourself again. 
Her finding you a place to stay and picking out furniture is a bunch of baloney -show her you can take care of yourself.
These mixed signals she is showing might just be sentimental, guilt, or if she has a thing with a another guy your the backup plan its hard to say. 
But I would say the best thing for you is to check out emotionally as much as you can with her.
Take it step by step and do the best you can and keep it together for your kids. 
I went through a 3-1/2 year divorce, went to mediation 3 times -13 court appearances and ultimately went through a full fledged custody trial. 
It was gut wrenching but I came through it with custody I wanted and though I'm still paying financially it was worth it-I have a good life now.


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## Andy101 (Dec 29, 2015)

The plan was to pay half the mortgage for a period of time to see if she came to her senses or to at least keep the children in their home. It would work out but not for 2 months as I am starting my own company and will not get paid for 60 days. The income is garanteed but I need more time. 

I explained that the money I have will not pay for rent, mortgage, child maintenance, fuel, and living costs. She is now saying that we will have to sell the house like it's an immediate payout. I am offering her the chance to stay in our lovely home and she doesn't seem to care! She has no right to make me leave or sell but I wanted things to remain amicable and not start seeing the resentment of previous weeks. 

She is getting some bad advice from her mother and is just desperate for me to leave even though we are civil to each other. Anyone have a possible solution?


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