# Why Can I not Let Go of the Pain



## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

I wish I could move on but the hate consumes me. My husband left me for his girlfriend stole my savings and refused to give me any support when he was working. I have gotten behind in the rent and he refuses to help me. I am not even sure I can recover. I hate myself for allowing him the power to know everything about me to destroy me. I will probably have to move in with my mother for awhile with the baby. it will be hard I hate having to move back home. I don know what to do. I am in so much pain I really hate him. How he refuse to speak to me. How could he stop loving me and just shut me out like that? Is there a good reason for this type of behavior?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Let me ask you a question before I type a whole lot. 

What type of person would would have an affair for months while leading you on, get close enough to steal everything from your savings account leaving you in poverty, not lend you a dime when you were left broke with a child, and move on to another target so quickly? 

What type of person would do this?


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> Let me ask you a question before I type a whole lot.
> 
> What type of person would would have an affair for months while leading you on, get close enough to steal everything from your savings account leaving you in poverty, not lend you a dime when you were left broke with a child, and move on to another target so quickly?
> 
> What type of person would do this?


First reaction: A person who hates me. Or just a selfish son-of-a-gun.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Have you/he filed for divorce? Child and spousal support are not voluntary when court ordered. I hate to sound heavy handed but if you don't take action against him to protect you and the kid, in hopes not to piss him off so maybe he'll come back, youre being foolish.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Why can't you let go of the pain? Because he did something vile against you and your child. You have every right to feel the way you do. So feel it and work through all of the hate you feel towards him. Don't get so mired in it though that it consumes who you are. That will means he wins. Don't give him that control over you. I know it is hard because I have been there and still feel like this during days when I dwell on it. Is there a counselor you can see? For me, I found that my counselor helped me work through a lot of feelings. I did it for my kids because we still have to have a working relationship as far as they are concerned. 

He sucks, he doesn't deserve you at all. Don't apologize for letting him know everything about you. Even though he hurt you in the end, you were only having what you thought was a relationship with your husband. He failed-you did not. Talk to a lawyer and make sure he is going to take care of your child.

Be strong and know what you are feeling is completely normal. Just know you can move past it and you will some day~

Take one day at a time and take care of yourself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

FOH said:


> First reaction: A person who hates me. Or *just a selfish son-of-a-gun*.


My vote for the bolded piece. He will do it to anyone.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

FOH said:


> First reaction: A person who hates me. Or just a selfish son-of-a-gun.


Let's go with the latter one. A selfish person, a manipulator, a user, a player. 

You can beat yourself up all you want, but from what I've seen people like this will enter into relationships chasing the honeymoon stage and will go through all the motions at first without really doing anything above and beyond to prove their intentions. Besides a marriage, really only time will tell if they're serious.

What happens is they start setting up shop with EAs *as soon as you experience normal conflicts*, usually withing that first 3 years. When you think you're working through your first real problem, they on the other hand are looking around for that one unobtainable person who will never fight with them and will do everything perfect.

These people usually have a history of exes they've burned before and it's won't be a happily ever after for him and his gf either. I guarantee you that if he used you for your money and then moved on to the next best thing when you were pregnant, you better believe he will do that to her too... Unless, unless she's just as screwed up as he is and can give him the messed up relationship he craves.

I'm betting you haven't been together for longer than 5 years yet, and you're pregnant with his child? This sucks, but don't let it ruin you. Yes, you were taken advantage of and you're going to struggle for awhile. It happens to good people, naive people who don't deserve this. How do I know this? Because it happened to me too! I divorced a woman just like this, and I mean she cheated and set up shop within our first year of marriage with the now downgrade boyfriend. She used me for as much money as she could get and filed trumped up charges to soothe her emotional hurts. 

I cannot emphasize how much this situation hurts! But there's also a silver lining to this dark cloud over your head that you've yet to see. If you want me to spoil the surprise, that's is that you're getting rid of one sh!tty SOB husband and opening the doors to a happy ending with a man you truly deserve who will treat you better than this. I know I didn't believe it at first and it took a number of women telling me. 

The fact that you're here right now trying to recover and you're not trying to hurt yourself, him, or others to cope shows you're a really good person. And like it or not sometimes you have to have to get out a relationship and be uncomfortable in order to make the most change. Because it's when you have nothing that you appreciate everything. I mean you're not going to be broke and living with your mom forever. I can't say the same for your husband, but a struggling pregnant woman has more opportunities than you realize. And single moms seems to always be getting approached if you know what I mean.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

We dated from 2002 to 2006 got married in 2006 and now going through in 2013. We were both active duty. I can not even afford a good attorney. He retained a very good one to destroy me. Now that you said that I remember I was on deployment and he called me on the ship(yeah for real) up in our coms section what I did INTEL and told me he was accused of sexual harassment. Stood by him then even re-enlisted to make sure we are taken care off. Even after my chiefs told me he was no good. NSweet you are right it hurts so much. I cry every day almost trying to find other things to take my mind away from all he has done. It is so hard.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

FOH said:


> We dated from 2002 to 2006 got married in 2006 and now going through in 2013. We were both active duty. I can not even afford a good attorney. He retained a very good one to destroy me. Now that you said that I remember I was on deployment and he called me on the ship(yeah for real) up in our coms section what I did INTEL and told me he was accused of sexual harassment. Stood by him then even re-enlisted to make sure we are taken care off. Even after my chiefs told me he was no good. NSweet you are right it hurts so much. I cry every day almost trying to find other things to take my mind away from all he has done. It is so hard.


If you're in the military can you talk to the JAG office. Additionally there has to be a child support recovery/legal aid office near you. Have you done anything where his attorney can destroy you? What state do you reside?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I was in the Navy too. ETSN fast attack submarine, but married a civilian technically dual citizen. Yeah, those relationships are 9/10 doomed to fail because you marry for the wrong reasons and try to make it work with someone who you don't know well enough first. How much can you know about your spouse when your relationship only exists in the bubble of the service? You can blame everything on your job and only see a small portion of who he want you to see, or blame their attitude on their rank and such. Sounds like you did what I did and you defended your husband when the red flags came about, but who he is today is who he really is. I'll remind you a good man does not rip off his pregnant wife to go life with a girlfriend. Hell NO! 

Have you seen a doctor yet? You may want to consider a light mood stabilizer for a little while like lamactal or else get lots of exercise while you can right now. Even on both I needed lots of exercise and had to fulfill my down time with stuff to occupy my mind because that downtime is a real killer. You want to make sure you're sticking to a routine of sleeping and work and hobbies and not staying up worrying about this. You know, your husband IS NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

:slap: I remember getting into shouting matches with my chiefs over my ex wife. I really wished I had listened to those men, because they had experience with bad exes and they were trying to warn me for my own good. Water under the bridge now, but in the future I know better than to argue with outside influences with neutral POVs on my relationships.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> I was in the Navy too. ETSN fast attack submarine, but married a civilian technically dual citizen. Yeah, those relationships are 9/10 doomed to fail because you marry for the wrong reasons and try to make it work with someone who you don't know well enough first. How much can you know about your spouse when your relationship only exists in the bubble of the service? You can blame everything on your job and only see a small portion of who he want you to see, or blame their attitude on their rank and such. Sounds like you did what I did and you defended your husband when the red flags came about, but who he is today is who he really is. I'll remind you a good man does not rip off his pregnant wife to go life with a girlfriend. Hell NO!
> 
> Have you seen a doctor yet? You may want to consider a light mood stabilizer for a little while like lamactal or else get lots of exercise while you can right now. Even on both I needed lots of exercise and had to fulfill my down time with stuff to occupy my mind because that downtime is a real killer. You want to make sure you're sticking to a routine of sleeping and work and hobbies and not staying up worrying about this. You know, your husband IS NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT!



I go to the doctor on Tuesday. Funny you mention ETSN. I am a IC1 (Broadcast/SITE TV/Phone/Gyro). My husband was a ET2 coming on High Year Tenure. My old LPO IC1 help get him capped and that is when he started to lose his mind. He was the only SHF on board the Roosevelt you know the drill. Any who I am trying to fill my time but it is hard. The girl he left me for is an ET2. She got kicked out and he ERB out. So the chances are slim to get them. So I have to find a way to deal this mess.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

No, did nothing. I do not have money to pressure my attorney to help me. Too financially strapped, and he knows it.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

It can't be you because he abandoned his child too. He is trying to destroy the only mother his child will ever have. So my vote is he's a selfish sob. Try to see it as a blessing in disguise. You and your child deserve better and now he's given you the chance to find better. So sorry you are hurting.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

FOH said:


> I go to the doctor on Tuesday. Funny you mention ETSN. I am a IC1 (Broadcast/SITE TV/Phone/Gyro). My husband was a ET2 coming on High Year Tenure. My old LPO IC1 help get him capped and that is when he started to lose his mind. He was the only SHF on board the Roosevelt you know the drill. Any who I am trying to fill my time but it is hard. The girl he left me for is an ET2. She got kicked out and he ERB out. So the chances are slim to get them. So I have to find a way to deal this mess.


I am so familiar with this. Guys would ranks up and just become the biggest d!cks in the universe and just be impossible to work with, let alone live with in the Navy. It was like that illusion of power made them feel they could cheat with anything and everything and treat their underdogs like sh!t for fun, but the moment they got out they were nothing. 

So you're still in the Navy now? Are you in dock or stationed in the states somewhere? How much time do you have left to finish your enlistment?


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

No, not still in the Navy. I had to get out to due to downsizing (PTS). I am a big boy sailor. My ships were the USS George Washington, CVN 73, John F Kennedy, USS Wasp and Finally the Dwight D Eisenhower. I am in the reserves now and I have a year left on that enlistment. This is my only income other than they money I get for school. Things have got to get better.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Please start knocking doors, you have served our country I'm sure there is an attorney who can help you pro-bono. If not do you have family who can lend you the money? I would consider getting a loan, I know money is tight but, you can't afford not to fight back.

Start here:

http://www.lsc.gov/about/about-legal-aid/serving-veterans-and-military-families


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

No, not in the Navy any more. Only Reserves I got caught in PTS (perform to serve). I was on 4 different ships. George Washington, John F. Kennedy, Dwight D. Eisenhower, and the USS Wasp. Yep I have been around 14 years. I am now in the reserves with 1 year left. I have lost all faith in this Navy. I have never seen anyone get away with the mess my ex-husband did. 

You know exactly what I am talking about.


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## ionaetp (Jul 14, 2013)

I hate to sound heavy handed but if you don't take action against him to protect you and the kid


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Moving back home with mom will not be the end of the world. You have that option. I am 56 years old, have over 39 years in the military and moving back home with my mother was an option my family offered me.

Attorneys are going to be hard to find that do pro-bono. My cheating wife found out the hard way. Free legal services are typically booked, as my cheating wife found out. Try to get some friends to help you.

Do not sit and whine. He left you and your baby. Take as much control as you can. It is tough. And watch what you are saying to him or to anyone who knows him. When my wife found out I got the money for D, she was shocked. 

Here is a hug for you.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

FOH,
What state are you in? You can PM me and I may be able to give you resources that can help you with your issue. You don't need an attorney in most cases to get spousal and child support. 

I am an active duty STGCS, stationed in Norfolk, VA. on duty tonight as a matter of fact LOL. 

PTS sucks. It is gone now though. I have seen too many good sailors go home because of it. I am glad to see it go.


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## FOH (Jun 29, 2013)

Guys:

Thank you for your support. Was moving out my apartment yesterday. And low and behold my husband shows up. I was in shock. He does not even look at me. We had to be out and you come in with a box of trash bags looking for your stuff 2 years later? What you do that for?


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