# Husband staring at women



## confused55

A question for you guys and girls too.

How do you handle a situation where your husband is constantly checking out women who are walking down the street, into a restaurant, on TV, just wherever?

Also, the constant remarks about how pretty they are.

This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.

I've spoken to him about it and told him it's disrespectful and he understands this. I don't know if he realizes that he's doing it half the time, it's like a reflex.

He doesn't just give a glance, he staressssssss!

Anything I can say to him that I haven't already said or what?


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## occasionallybaffled

Men notice other women. Glances will happen. I do it as well. Staring is a choice. We glance because it catches our eye. It's a reflex but staring isn't. You've already discussed it with him and seen no change. I would bring it up again and let him know that it still bothers you. Why? Just so that when he does it again, you can refer to it and say, "Hey, we discussed this on Tuesday, remember?"

But the next time he does it, let their be a consequence. He needs to be trained not to keep staring. If you're in a public place, do something to embarrass him. Spill water on him, pinch him or hell,... give him a slap. I bet it won't happen as much. If someone were to look at the two of you when he is staring at another women, I assume you would be embarrassed/disrespected. Unless he experiences the same feeling, I don't this his staring will change. 

If you want, you can even be generous and warn him beforehand ...during your talk. Tell him, " If you continue to disrespect me, by staring at other women and commenting about their looks... I will embarrass you in public until you stop." 

I'm only suggesting an action, because words have already failed. It's going one ear and out the other. Perhaps an action will be more of a shock.


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## reggis

Do other men check YOU out?

If not, there may be a problem here of your own making.


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## Bobby5000

Agreed it is disrespectful and unproductive. To understand it, it would help to know a little more about your relationship. 



confused55 said:


> A question for you guys and girls too.
> 
> How do you handle a situation where your husband is constantly checking out women who are walking down the street, into a restaurant, on TV, just wherever?
> 
> Also, the constant remarks about how pretty they are.
> 
> This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.
> 
> I've spoken to him about it and told him it's disrespectful and he understands this. I don't know if he realizes that he's doing it half the time, it's like a reflex.
> 
> He doesn't just give a glance, he staressssssss!
> 
> Anything I can say to him that I haven't already said or what?


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## occasionallybaffled

reggis said:


> Do other men check YOU out?
> 
> If not, there may be a problem here of your own making.


I don't see the point you are trying to make. I'd like to ask for you to elaborate, but as it stands... it seems completely irrelevant.


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## Bobby5000

You get a sense that the deliberateness of this indicates other problems. The book the Five Languages of Love gave an analagous situation. A wife wanted her husband to clean the garage. Each weekend she asked him what he was doing, and reminded him to clean the garage but it didn't get done to her frustration. Why didn't he understand she asked the counselor. 

He suggested that she compliment him on other things. But what about the garage, she asked, he suggested that she not worry about it. In about three weeks, it got done, he felt better as did she. 

Here, it seems like in a frustrating marriage, he is doing this delibderately, you comment, he does it more, you comment again, and he continues to do it.


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## occasionallybaffled

confused55 said:


> This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.





Bobby5000 said:


> He suggested that she compliment him on other things. But what about the garage, she asked, he suggested that she not worry about it. In about three weeks, it got done, he felt better as did she.


Problem is he's been doing it for years. It's become a habit and habits are never easy to break.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Have YOU tried checking out other men? DON'T STARE at them, but make sure you comment to your husband (only) on PLENTY of them. "Wow, he's got a great ass/nice legs/big pecs."

Do it repeatedly the entire time you're out (a day of shopping, dinner out, etc.) See if he reacts to it. If he doesn't, repeat the exercise the next time you're out. If he DOES react, tell him you've been listening to it for 35 years and he can either knock it off, or listen to a whole lot more of it...'cuz you've got 35 more years worth to catch up on.


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## livnlearn

reggis said:


> Do other men check YOU out?
> 
> If not, there may be a problem here of your own making.


:scratchhead:


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## nomoretogive

reggis said:


> Do other men check YOU out?
> 
> If not, there may be a problem here of your own making.


Maybe because it's late I'm not quite getting this...but are you insinuating that maybe the OP needs to "sexy up" herself; and that in doing so, it stands to reason that her H will stop looking at other women because he will be staring at her? If so, that's the biggest crock of shet I've heard in a long time. Her H stares at other women, even knowing it makes her feel disrespected, because he doesn't care about her feelings and is a disrespectful person. He indulges in his wants with no regard for how it makes her feel. 

We're not talking some innocent glance here; we're talking a blatant display of disrespect REPEATEDLY over years. It is no more her fault that her husband is disrespectful than it is mine that it rained today. To suggest otherwise is ridiculous. 

If I'm way off base and reading your comment wrong, please accept my apology. I won't post again until tomorrow morning, after I've had my coffee. As someone with a spouse who engages in this behavior often, and has for many years, without me doing anything to cause it, this just got my panties in a bunch in that I'm reading this as you suggesting it's somehow her fault that her husband is an a$$.


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## dubbizle

SlowlyGettingWiser

Do what the above poster says.I look at woman also but do it in a way not to be noticed.My wife says did you see that woman and I say what woman and she says that is why I married you [lol]and let me tell you its pretty hard not to stare if you are on a topless beach[ha ha] but I still can hold back with only a quick glance[ha ha].


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## unbelievable

He has set the "respect" bar very low. Mimic his behavior by obviously checking out and making inappropriate comments about men. If that doesn't get his attention, next time he makes a comment about some woman, tell her "hey my husband likes your ___! This is especially effective if she happens to be walking beside her large, ex-con boyfriend.


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## chocolategeek

He's been disrespectful to you in this regard for years. This, for me, is major. Maybe sit him down and say that if his behavior continues, you are seriously going to rethink about staying married. Don't budge. Don't over-explain. Just tell him matter-of-fact. If he does it again while you're out together, walk out on him without a word.


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## Goldmember357

This is a problem especially if you have brought it up and he continues to act and be rude about it let alone obvious. I check out women all the time but i am going to be frank most women as are most people are not attractive in the world. So its not like i am always looking at everyone or every woman when we go out its actually very very rarely do i see someone else that i view as attractive. 

However i do not comment "she is hot" or "she is pretty"

Why would a man do that especially in front of his wife? that is just rude and asking to hurt her feelings. I surely think those things in my head at dinner for example but i wont blatantly stare for periods of time and i will not make comments about her in front of my wife that is just rude and disrespectful .


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## AFEH

confused55 said:


> A question for you guys and girls too.
> 
> How do you handle a situation where your husband is constantly checking out women who are walking down the street, into a restaurant, on TV, just wherever?
> 
> Also, the constant remarks about how pretty they are.
> 
> This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.
> 
> I've spoken to him about it and told him it's disrespectful and he understands this. I don't know if he realizes that he's doing it half the time, it's like a reflex.
> 
> He doesn't just give a glance, he staressssssss!
> 
> Anything I can say to him that I haven't already said or what?


It’s a boundary thing. And simply by continuing to be with him after he’s trashed your boundary by staring at women, you kind of give him the ok to do it again.


So next time when you’re out shopping, eating in a restaurant or somewhere where it’s easy for you and the timing is right, just walk away and spend time by yourself for a few hours where he can’t reach you. If he comes after you just tell him not to harass you and leave you alone.


He may get it first time you do it, it make take a few times of just walking away. What you’re teaching him is that when he stares at other women you will not be by his side.


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## AFEH

^ Two kiddies in the forum.


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## CandieGirl

confused55 said:


> A question for you guys and girls too.
> 
> How do you handle a situation where your husband is constantly checking out women who are walking down the street, into a restaurant, on TV, just wherever?
> 
> Also, the constant remarks about how pretty they are.
> 
> This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.
> 
> I've spoken to him about it and told him it's disrespectful and he understands this. I don't know if he realizes that he's doing it half the time, it's like a reflex.
> 
> He doesn't just give a glance, he staressssssss!
> 
> Anything I can say to him that I haven't already said or what?


I had a boyfriend who would do this constantly. We were sitting on a patio of a busy downtown bar one summer evening, and he was staring at a beautiful young woman, a Svetlana type.... I understand, everyone looks, blah blah blah, but he kept on openly gaping. I asked him what he was staring at, he said nothing. So he had his warning to stop. But he didn't stop. He kept right on staring at her. So.....I got up, got her attention "Excuse me! Excuse me, Miss? Miss? Yes, you, the blonde in the white pants, could you please come over here???" and as she started over, my BF hisses at me "What the F are you doing???? Stop!!! Please!!!!". So I simply stopped the young woman and told her to nevermind, I thought she was someone else. The boyfriend was mortified. I told him "Don't you ever...do that to me again.".

I wasn't even upset by it; I just did it to prove a point. And to make sure he knew how to respect properly.


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## Browncoat

Wow, very clever way to deal with it Candie!


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## Hurra

Question for the OP. Is he satisfied at home? In the bedroom? Are you 120lbs or 240lbs? Is he trying not to get caught staring or is he obvious?

I look with the intention of not getting noticed mainly because I don't get any at home and don't see my wife in sexy lingerie or in the nude. I try to fill the urge by looking at other women and use my imagination


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## SoWhat

I stare all the time. I think (almost) every guy does. And I don't think there's anything wrong about it. 

However, I don't do it in front of the woman. She feels threatened or disrespected or insecure if I do, so I don't. I undoubtedly glance or double-take - reactions are like that - but I can consciously choose not to stare.

If he doesn't care about hurting or disrespecting you, then I think it might run deeper than just looking at women.


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## MIMO

Candie: What is between you and your BF should stay between you and him! I think it is a very disrespectful act that you called that woman and initiate a talk just because your BF was looking at her!
Well, I don't know what kind of people your BF is and I don't know you either but I think people should not control others eyes! I had (and partially have) the same problem with my wife. She keeps tracking my eyes all the time when there are women around (driving, walking ...) I tried to understand what she has in mind! She said she is not jealous at all and that it is not really "feeling insecure" problem. So she can't just motivate why she is doing that! So to end this problem I just started doing like her and watching her eyes just to show her how irritating that could be. Now she seems calming down and making less troubles about that.
Sometimes (for men = manytimes) people are just having empty look! like looking staring somewhere but not actually seeing nothing.
I think women should focus on other important stuffs then just watching their men eyes. Watching eyes is disrespectful for you both.


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## ScaredandUnsure

That would be incredibly irritating. I'm with the others about making your own remarks about other men. Every man you see should have something sexy or appealing about him.


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## tacoma

CandieGirl said:


> I had a boyfriend who would do this constantly. We were sitting on a patio of a busy downtown bar one summer evening, and he was staring at a beautiful young woman, a Svetlana type.... I understand, everyone looks, blah blah blah, but he kept on openly gaping. I asked him what he was staring at, he said nothing. So he had his warning to stop. But he didn't stop. He kept right on staring at her. So.....I got up, got her attention "Excuse me! Excuse me, Miss? Miss? Yes, you, the blonde in the white pants, could you please come over here???" and as she started over, my BF hisses at me "What the F are you doing???? Stop!!! Please!!!!". So I simply stopped the young woman and told her to nevermind, I thought she was someone else. The boyfriend was mortified. I told him "Don't you ever...do that to me again.".
> 
> I wasn't even upset by it; I just did it to prove a point. And to make sure he knew how to respect properly.


I suggest the OP take this approach with her problem.


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## MrsOldNews

tacoma said:


> I suggest the OP take this approach with her problem.


Except have the sexy blond in on it with her. So when she walks over you say something like, " do you find it appealing when old men stare at your ass? And have her retort with something like "eww that's disgusting" and then gives your hubby the I'm. Gonna vomit from the thought of you checking me out look. If this situation was better worded I bet it could work! Lol and he'd think every time he checks out a chick she's thinking what a nasty old perv! Problem solved


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## CandieGirl

MIMO said:


> Candie: What is between you and your BF should stay between you and him! I think it is a very disrespectful act that you called that woman and initiate a talk just because your BF was looking at her!
> Well, I don't know what kind of people your BF is and I don't know you either but I think people should not control others eyes! I had (and partially have) the same problem with my wife. She keeps tracking my eyes all the time when there are women around (driving, walking ...) I tried to understand what she has in mind! She said she is not jealous at all and that it is not really "feeling insecure" problem. So she can't just motivate why she is doing that! So to end this problem I just started doing like her and watching her eyes just to show her how irritating that could be. Now she seems calming down and making less troubles about that.
> Sometimes (for men = manytimes) people are just having empty look! like looking staring somewhere but not actually seeing nothing.
> I think women should focus on other important stuffs then just watching their men eyes. Watching eyes is disrespectful for you both.


Watching eyes, ya right. More like watching him break his neck; and if you remember correctly, I gave him a fair warning...it was hilarious to see him skate like that. Foolish man! And it doesn't matter what kind of man he was. That was years ago, and I was smart enough to recognize a man who didn't respect me enough to stop ogling other women in public. He was dismissed soon after that. Quite!


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## Relationship Coach

confused55 said:


> A question for you guys and girls too.
> 
> How do you handle a situation where your husband is constantly checking out women who are walking down the street, into a restaurant, on TV, just wherever?
> 
> Also, the constant remarks about how pretty they are.
> 
> This has been going on for years with my husband and it is constantly increasing. It's every women he sees basically, if they are under 35ish.
> 
> I've spoken to him about it and told him it's disrespectful and he understands this. I don't know if he realizes that he's doing it half the time, it's like a reflex.
> 
> He doesn't just give a glance, he staressssssss!
> 
> Anything I can say to him that I haven't already said or what?


With no offense intended, I think you are getting a lot of really bad advice in this thread. All these passive aggressive "methods" to deal with "this" aren't ultimately conducive to a good relationship. 

Other posters have asked about this (in not the nicest way, mind you), but is one issue is that he is no longer attracted to you. That's NOT good. All you can do is try and look as good as possible for him. If that's not in the cards for whatever reason -- maybe you don't want to -- that's fine. But it must be accepted as a reasonable factor from his perspective. 

As a general rule, there's nothing wrong with admiring the form of others. It's perfectly natural. What becomes a problem is when it's not communicated clearly or respectfully. This may be a small issue, or as others have said, it may be masking bigger stuff. Ask yourself if you look the same way you did at the start of the relationship...


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## confused55

Hurra said:


> Question for the OP. Is he satisfied at home? In the bedroom? Are you 120lbs or 240lbs? Is he trying not to get caught staring or is he obvious?
> 
> I look with the intention of not getting noticed mainly because I don't get any at home and don't see my wife in sexy lingerie or in the nude. I try to fill the urge by looking at other women and use my imagination



He's getting lots at home, and I'm 130 lbs, 57 yrs, if you want to know. 

He says he doesn't even know he's doing it, but he can't seem to consiously stop.

Whenever he says how good looking someone is, I don't answer him and when it is about someone on TV, I leave and come back in a couple of minutes. I think he's getting the point more now that I just walk away and don't comment.

I hope this continues to work. I think he's kind of embarassed.


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## thegatewalker

do like my wife she does one of two things she wallops me or she just pulls me aside and says well if you like what you see then go get it but dont come back here and she called me a fhead it is also a sign about how much you care about your wife so dont look.


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## MIMO

It doesn't make any sens!!!!! Why my wife has to always monitor my eyes when I never monitor here's? Why always man is taken for unfaithful act for any mistake when if it is coming to woman: it is unquestionable??


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## occasionallybaffled

MIMO said:


> It doesn't make any sens!!!!! Why my wife has to always monitor my eyes when I never monitor here's? Why always man is taken for unfaithful act for any mistake when if it is coming to woman: it is unquestionable??


I wouldn't say always. However, as a male, you should know that we are stimulated visually (more so than women). If you happen to glance, I don't see that as a big deal. Constantly and openly staring is completely disrespectful. If you're sitting together on a bench or public transportation, in a situation where both of you are gazing around... you (as a male) are bound to notice attractive females. But if you are having lunch or drinking coffee at a local cafe and keep noticing other women... that's more problematic. If I'm out with the lady and actively engaged with her ... I don't have the time/desire to be looking around; the woman I love is right in front of me.


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## MIMO

With all my years of experience, I found out that women are always tend to exaggerate everything and anything like: You are staring! I told you million times! For the trillion time! What are you thinking looking to that woman!? And they always tend to think that when men are looking to women they only think SEX! While it is the last think would come to a sane person mind (I guess).
Freedom is a big asset in life...


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## Masil78

reggis said:


> Do other men check YOU out?
> 
> If not, there may be a problem here of your own making.


What the heck does that mean?

This is NOT her fault it is HIS. Like another poster said, staring is a choice. This guy is just selfish, and he probably was always this way.


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## Gaia

MIMO said:


> With all my years of experience, I found out that women are always tend to exaggerate everything and anything like: You are staring! I told you million times! For the trillion time! What are you thinking looking to that woman!? And they always tend to think that when men are looking to women they only think SEX! While it is the last think would come to a sane person mind (I guess).
> Freedom is a big asset in life...


:lol: All I see is a bunch of bs excuses to stare at other women there... the hell with respecting your female partners feelings.. no she needs to let you do whatever the hell you want so YOU can be happy? Who gives a damn if it makes her unhappy? She's not important right? Seriously... exaggerating tends to come from both men and women.. not just one gender buddy... you could at least own up to your own faults as well.


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## Lon

Guys will all glance, its what we do, its part of who we are and ultimately women are attracted to men whom have some sort of sex drive.

If a pretty thing walks in and we don't get a great first glance, perhaps a little carefully planned second take will happen. But two glances is always enough for a guy to sense his surroundings and the people in it, and to do whatever we do when cataloging people around us.

More than two glances, openly staring/gawking or making comments is a proactive choice and is disrespectful. Meet it with resistance - I like the idea of directing negative attention to your H, saying things aloud like, "I'm over here honey stop ogling other women". Or if you take the stonewall technique and leave the table make sure you are clear at some point why you are leaving. If you make it uncomfortable for a disrespectful husband to disrespect you the habit can be broken.

My ex used to get SOOO peaved when I glanced away from her view for a fraction of a second. The instant my eyes weren't on her she'd stress out. She was very insecure, however when she flipped it wasn't worth the effort of trying to console her so I just learned to not even glance. Worse, my niceguyness trained me to not only not glance but as soon as a pretty woman was anywhere in my range of vision I'd go so far as to look the other direction.

hmm, and now I wonder where my sexual appetite has dissappeared to. I believe it is healthy for people to see and acknowledge attractive people of the opposite sex, and when in a committed relationship stop and direct that feeling for their spouse.


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## Racer

My wife used to do the childish thing and “one up” by pointing out every attractive man. That just fueled our resentments because rather than seeing it as her pointing out my flaws, it encourages my insecurity about her.

So now, she ‘marks her territory’. It is usually an arm around me, grabbing my hand, a more obvious ‘wet willie’, kick, or attempt to trip me, etc. However, she has gone farther: a quick grab of my butt or junk, or placing my hand on hers to remind me I’m with her. She even flashed me once... Often she’ll lean in so I can peek at her cleavage... You know, all that seduction stuff you women seem to excel at. At first, I was embarrassed by that behavior. Now I sort of like it. It helps add to our sexual tension and is sort of fun. And, I watch her now. She does this stuff without me checking out other women.


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## NaturalHeart

I know how some people down play certain behaviors as harmless but this for me is on my number one list of disrespectful. *If my husband does it he is very good at not doing it directly in my face because I don't see him doing it.*

I know two people that talk under their breath when they see beautiful women. Saying stuff like oooooooo lawd! or daaaaannnnng hm hm hm. Im very sure they do it so much that they probably don't think they are being disrespectful to their wives. I', not sure if their wives overlook it or hold it against them 

It is the type of behavior that says you can't control yourself around the opposite sex.


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## Bonnie

I have the same problem with my husband. I'm OK with a glance, be he STARES!! then tells me to stop being insecure, or superficial......so tired of his bs. It is embarrassing when other people see it, or when the girl he is staring at makes eye contact with and me.....uh


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## diwali123

I would have little respect for my husband if he behaved like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen

All the cute little anecdotes about embarrassing him in public, or the ultra hilarious one about becoming an abusive spouse if he stares too long, are the little things that make some people feel better.

But it won't change the fact that her husband is enticed to a large degree by young, pretty women, and that this might be a huge red flag that he no longer finds her attractive.

Instead of finding ways to humiliate him in public, behavior that can backfire in her face in some pretty horrendous ways, I think she, and other spouses in her shoes, might be better off sitting down their wondering eyed significants and having a frank, open discussion. Ask the tough questions; are you still attracted to me? How do you think I look? Is this something you're honestly doing subconsciously, or are you trying to send me a message? Are you dissatisfied with our sex life? Getting to the heart of the matter will hopefully give you some context, and it also might help him to see that this is serious, and causing you real pain.

Yes you can get together with the girls and you all can man bash all the day long (in real life, or right here on TAM). And it'll make you feel a whole lot better, I'm sure. But you still will be right back in the same boat with ZERO understanding of your husband, and insight into how he truly feels about your as a woman, and a sexual being.


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## TrustInUs

I would have a problem if my husband was staring at other women too. I think it would make me feel insecure. To me it's a respect issue. 

Now I'm aware that he notices pretty women, we even talked about it before, but I guess because he is respectful about it it's no big deal. I've never seen him doing it, but I know he does. If I did I don't agree with bring public attention to it or trying to embarrass him. I think I'd just tell him how I felt.

Note:Op I did not read all the responses, just skimmed so I apologize if my point has already been said.


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## countrybumpkin

> With all my years of experience, I found out that women are always tend to exaggerate everything and anything


heh. Not everything. My husband literally almost ran into the vehicle in front of us while staring at a girl who worked at a bikini coffee shop (they have those in Washington state for those who are like wtf?). I had to yell at him to stop the truck.

Once, we were in a store and he literally followed this chick down a few isles and attempted to distract me with merchandise to he could gawk. I stared at him the whole time. I knew what he was doing. 

We were standing in line for a movie when I asked him if he had been distant because he was becoming uninterested in the relationship...his answer..."Yeah, that's good." Because he didn't hear a word I said due to him staring. 

OP, Men will notice other women. That's just a fact of life that we have to deal with. The gawking or staring is a bit disrespectful and he should know that you do not appreciate it. Other than repeating it to him until you're blue in the face, I'm afraid there isn't much we can do to "change" them. There just has to be a consequence for his actions. The consequence is up to you.


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## Bonnie

^ you actually made me feel better about this. I just think its funny some people are coming up with "maybe he is not attractive to you anymore" that is ridiculous. All men look, as women do as well. Staring is when it becomes a problem for most women.


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## lilith23

A lot of men will look at beautiful women, and a lot of women will look at beautiful men. But unless we are talking about those rare perfect specimens, staring not only shows lack of respect for the partner, but also lack of maturity and not being able to control oneself in front of the opposite sex.

A man that can't control himself with stares is like a boy and not a man, and to me that is such a turn off.


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## jaquen

Bonnie said:


> ^ you actually made me feel better about this. *I just think its funny some people are coming up with "maybe he is not attractive to you anymore" that is ridiculous.* All men look, as women do as well. Staring is when it becomes a problem for most women.


Yep, keep right on thinking it's funny and ridiculous.

Lots of women who thought it was "funny and ridiculous" ended up getting their asses left for a younger, and/or more beautiful woman, after she let herself go, never stopped to wonder if he was still attracted to her, and thought his constantly wandering and molesting eye was just something all guys do.

- Signed, a Man


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## oliviapeter31

I think most of the man are like that. It is normal thing to do for them.


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## oldgeezer

oliviapeter31 said:


> I think most of the man are like that. It is normal thing to do for them.


If you mean by "normal" that we have the hormones and urges to indulge in pursuing attractive women... Yes. If you mean that we lack the respect and civility to NOT do this... then.. NO. 

I don't believe my wife EVER has spoken to me, or had to, because I looked at other women. I just learned to control my impulses, because that's what a man (real man) does. 

Do I notice attractive women? Yes. Double take? No. 

I would never go to a nude or topless beach simply because there would be too many opportunities to indulge "looking" that's more than the momentary notice. I've made a habit of NOT looking, and I don't want to mess that up. I am not in the market for another, so, I am not "shopping". If fate should make me single again, I might change my mind, but I doubt it. It's disrespectful to the one you're with... AND the one you're ogling. 

So, unless I'm single and OFFERED the view for my enjoyment, it's not happening.


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## lilith23

jaquen said:


> Yep, keep right on thinking it's funny and ridiculous.
> 
> Lots of women who thought it was "funny and ridiculous" ended up getting their asses left for a younger, and/or more beautiful woman, after she let herself go, never stopped to wonder if he was still attracted to her, and thought his constantly wandering and molesting eye was just something all guys do.
> 
> - Signed, a Man


Let's face it, there will be some women that are prettier and our men might agree when they see some of them, but to leave his mate for a prettier/younger one means that probably all he saw in his mate was just the physical part.
There will always be prettier, younger women. We age and get less pretty by time anyways. But does it mean that it's just logical that my man would leave me for a prettier one? Or a "fresher" one? Not really, coz he values me for more than just my looks. He might look, but he wouldn't do more than that as he knows what's more important. He knows how to respect and how to be a man, not some boy that can't control himself over the presence of opposite sex.


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## oliviapeter31

oldgeezer said:


> If you mean by "normal" that we have the hormones and urges to indulge in pursuing attractive women... Yes. If you mean that we lack the respect and civility to NOT do this... then.. NO.
> 
> I don't believe my wife EVER has spoken to me, or had to, because I looked at other women. I just learned to control my impulses, because that's what a man (real man) does.
> 
> Do I notice attractive women? Yes. Double take? No.
> 
> I would never go to a nude or topless beach simply because there would be too many opportunities to indulge "looking" that's more than the momentary notice. I've made a habit of NOT looking, and I don't want to mess that up. I am not in the market for another, so, I am not "shopping". If fate should make me single again, I might change my mind, but I doubt it. It's disrespectful to the one you're with... AND the one you're ogling.
> 
> So, unless I'm single and OFFERED the view for my enjoyment, it's not happening.


:iagree: Definitely true..if a man can control them self, there is no such thing as quarrel between husband and wife for a stranger.


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## jaquen

lilith23 said:


> Let's face it, there will be some women that are prettier and our men might agree when they see some of them, but to leave his mate for a prettier/younger one means that probably all he saw in his mate was just the physical part.
> There will always be prettier, younger women. We age and get less pretty by time anyways. But does it mean that it's just logical that my man would leave me for a prettier one? Or a "fresher" one? Not really, coz he values me for more than just my looks. He might look, but he wouldn't do more than that as he knows what's more important. He knows how to respect and how to be a man, not some boy that can't control himself over the presence of opposite sex.


This is a sweet, pleasant platitude, and it has some truth to it.

But it also is painfully naive. Attraction is important. It is important for most people, and it is important for both sexes. Some people have the delusion that they can let their bodies, and looks, go and that it will have zero consequences. Those people are priming themselves for a rude awakening.

Of course there will always be somebody prettier, or younger. That's not remotely what I'm talking about. I'm suggesting that if your husband (or wife) begins to look at attractive members of the opposite sex constantly, and for long periods of time, you need to at the very least examine whether or not this is an indication that they are less attracted to you.

Take a look in the mirror. Have you become the very model of the frumpy spouse? Have you stopped putting effort into maintaining a fit, healthy, attractive body? Does your spouse only get to see you in sweats, worn out house clothes, and unflattering hair cuts or styles? Have you given up completely on being an attractive, sensual human being, expecting your spouse to stay magically attracted to you just because they once were?

Sure you could be an attractive man, or woman, and still get cheated on. We all know that. But it's foolhardy to not at least explore the possibility that your spouse's eye is excessively wandering because you've made it perfectly clear that there is nothing worth capturing their attention anymore your way.


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## CandieGirl

To the ladies whose husbands ogle/follow/stare excessively at other women, have they always been this way? If so, why would you marry someone like that? I had a BF who would behave this way when we were out together. Had, being the operative word.


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## lilith23

jaquen said:


> This is a sweet, pleasant platitude, and it has some truth to it.
> 
> But it also is painfully naive. Attraction is important. It is important for most people, and it is important for both sexes. Some people have the delusion that they can let their bodies, and looks, go and that it will have zero consequences. Those people are priming themselves for a rude awakening.
> 
> Of course there will always be somebody prettier, or younger. That's not remotely what I'm talking about. I'm suggesting that if your husband (or wife) begins to look at attractive members of the opposite sex constantly, and for long periods of time, you need to at the very least examine whether or not this is an indication that they are less attracted to you.
> 
> Take a look in the mirror. Have you become the very model of the frumpy spouse? Have you stopped putting effort into maintaining a fit, healthy, attractive body? Does your spouse only get to see you in sweats, worn out house clothes, and unflattering hair cuts or styles? Have you given up completely on being an attractive, sensual human being, expecting your spouse to stay magically attracted to you just because they once were?
> 
> Sure you could be an attractive man, or woman, and still get cheated on. We all know that. But it's foolhardy to not at least explore the possibility that your spouse's eye is excessively wandering because you've made it perfectly clear that there is nothing worth capturing their attention anymore your way.


I agree with the part that attraction is still an important factor too, and it's true that it would be naive to think that looks doesn't matter. The important point is that there has to be some balance between the importance of outside and inside. We grow older and older, physical attraction might fade over time, although we shouldn't be too lazy with our looks or get too comfortable. But then it shouldn't be the center of all that is important in a relationship, since the bond between the couple and the emotional attraction are very important too.


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## Amyd

The best thing for you to do is to fight fire with fire. (Unfortunately) Every once in a while you'll need to dress very sexy in order to get attention from other men. Once he sees other men looking at you he won't be concerned with looking at other women he'll be too worried about what you might do behind his back. This reminds him that he can lose you at any moment if he isn't careful. You won't need to do this a lot just every once in a while to keep him interested. After he sees all of the attention your getting he'll be happy when you throw on sweat pants to buy a generator at LOWE'S.


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## jaquen

lilith23 said:


> I agree with the part that attraction is still an important factor too, and it's true that it would be naive to think that looks doesn't matter. The important point is that there has to be some balance between the importance of outside and inside. We grow older and older, physical attraction might fade over time, although we shouldn't be too lazy with our looks or get too comfortable. But then it shouldn't be the center of all that is important in a relationship, since the bond between the couple and the emotional attraction are very important too.


I absolutely agree.

All I am suggesting is that if you find your spouse's eye wandering, it's smart to examine all the angles. Sometimes it could be that they're an insufferable horn dog, but it also could be deeper than that. One of those angles has to be getting an honest answer from your spouse as to whether or not they still find you attractive, and if not, is it at all because you've let yourself go.


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## jaquen

Amyd said:


> The best thing for you to do is to fight fire with fire. (Unfortunately) Every once in a while you'll need to dress very sexy in order to get attention from other men. Once he sees other men looking at you he won't be concerned with looking at other women he'll be too worried about what you might do behind his back. This reminds him that he can lose you at any moment if he isn't careful. You won't need to do this a lot just every once in a while to keep him interested. After he sees all of the attention your getting he'll be happy when you throw on sweat pants to buy a generator at LOWE'S.


Why in the world wouldn't you dress "very sexy" for your husband on at least a semi-frequent basis? 

Why would you throw on a nice dress, and spruce yourself up, for the benefit of other men, just for the sake of proving a point, and to get him scared enough so that he'll accept your frumptastic appearance the majority of the rest of the time?


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## TrustInUs

Amyd said:


> The best thing for you to do is to fight fire with fire. (Unfortunately) Every once in a while you'll need to dress very sexy in order to get attention from other men. Once he sees other men looking at you he won't be concerned with looking at other women he'll be too worried about what you might do behind his back. This reminds him that he can lose you at any moment if he isn't careful. You won't need to do this a lot just every once in a while to keep him interested. After he sees all of the attention your getting he'll be happy when you throw on sweat pants to buy a generator at LOWE'S.


I disagree with the intent here. Too much gaming playing for a marriage. If you are dressing sexy it should be for husband and yourself. When we look our best we feel our best I believe.

But to do it every once in a while with the intent to get other men's attention, and to worry him that he might lose can open up a can of worms you dont want opened.


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## lilith23

jaquen said:


> I absolutely agree.
> 
> All I am suggesting is that if you find your spouse's eye wandering, it's smart to examine all the angles. Sometimes it could be that they're an insufferable horn dog, but it also could be deeper than that. One of those angles has to be getting an honest answer from your spouse as to whether or not they still find you attractive, and if not, is it at all because you've let yourself go.


I guess that to really understand what is the issue behind, we should take our spouse's personality into consideration too. When understanding our partner well, we should be able to tell a bit of what might be the issue.

Hmm I guess that you can't really ask directly if you're still attractive, you'd have to get the answer by observing the partner's reaction. Often, people might try to say nice things even if they might not feel 100% that way (unless partner is a bit insensitive and too direct or that we are really in a bad shape).


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## Orca-gal

My husband embarasses me sometimes with the same habit. One time we were at an eating place and he was staring at the waitress as she went about serving us and other clients. I did not want to confront him directly, so the next time the waitress came I looked at him while he stared, I made sure he saw that i saw him, THEN I wonderingly LOOKED at the woman as if trying to see what I was missing which made him stare like that. He looked at me and that was the last time he looked at that woman in that way. Later every time she came close where we were sitting he looked elsewhere. I saved myself from embarassment that afternoon. Try this method, it may help you.


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## oliviapeter31

Orca-gal said:


> My husband embarasses me sometimes with the same habit. One time we were at an eating place and he was staring at the waitress as she went about serving us and other clients. I did not want to confront him directly, so the next time the waitress came I looked at him while he stared, I made sure he saw that i saw him, THEN I wonderingly LOOKED at the woman as if trying to see what I was missing which made him stare like that. He looked at me and that was the last time he looked at that woman in that way. Later every time she came close where we were sitting he looked elsewhere. I saved myself from embarassment that afternoon. Try this method, it may help you.


Thank you for sharing. Somebody may need this now. :smthumbup:


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## Amyd

jaquen said:


> Why in the world wouldn't you dress "very sexy" for your husband on at least a semi-frequent basis?
> 
> Why would you throw on a nice dress, and spruce yourself up, for the benefit of other men, just for the sake of proving a point, and to get him scared enough so that he'll accept your frumptastic appearance the majority of the rest of the time?


 I work five days a week and wear clothes that aren't that comfortable. On weekends I like to wear sweatpants.


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## Amyd

TrustInUs said:


> I disagree with the intent here. Too much gaming playing for a marriage. If you are dressing sexy it should be for husband and yourself. When we look our best we feel our best I believe.
> 
> But to do it every once in a while with the intent to get other men's attention, and to worry him that he might lose can open up a can of worms you dont want opened.


You're entitled to your opinion. But my husband is aware of the game and we laugh about it. We will walk around LOWE'S and he'll see men staring at me and he'll turn to me and say something like "OK go back to wearing sweatpants." He does get upset when I dress too much like a homeless person so I try to pick out the sweats that don't have bleach stains. However, I do a lot of cleaning so their hard to find. In the end, he mostly cares about how I look naked and as long as that looks good he's satisfied.


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## MsPATS

My husband had the same behavior. Commenting on it did not change anything; it was a reflective act. I figured as long as he wasn't acting on it, who cares. Instead of getting upset by it, I started commenting on whether the woman was right for him or not. After a while, after his gaze returned to me, he was embarrassed and laughed because he knew I would make a joke about whether the woman was right or wrong for him. In short, just go with it. Your husband is not dead, he's just married.


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## Bobby5000

Do note that women do essentially the same thing. How often do you hear women commenting, doesn't Jane have a beautiful home,... (her husband makes a lot of money and provides for her while mine does not.)


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## confused55

I haven't seen this thread that I started for months now but it's interesting that's it's still getting attention.

I still have the same problem with the staring husband, but this one incident last week was really disturbing and humiliating -

We were having a coffee in the mall at the foodcourt and a couple of cute young girls (17-20 yrs) walked in front of our table. 

He looks at them, nearly gets whiplash to take another stare. They look at him disgusted (as if he's an old letch), then they look at me disgusted. Ouch!! I felt like their look said ' what a creepy old man (60 yrs) you have.' That's how I do feel and I do. Yuck!!! 

I have talked to him about it and he denies that he does it.


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## MsPATS

Frankly, who cares what teenie boppers think, if they even think. Why not do what I did when my husband eyeballed women in public. Make a joke of it. Comment that the woman he is looking at is a) high maintenance, or b) too tall, or c) can't cook, or d) won't let him watch football on Sundays, etc. 
I also told him I would help him find the woman of his dreams. So after a while he would turn to me and ask..."How about that one". Naturally, I always found flaws that I knew he would not like. Such as "that one would require you to work two jobs just to keep up with her shoe accounts". After a while, and this took years, it became our private joke and not a threat.


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## Lovesong

occasionallybaffled said:


> Men notice other women. Glances will happen. I do it as well. Staring is a choice. We glance because it catches our eye. It's a reflex but staring isn't. You've already discussed it with him and seen no change. I would bring it up again and let him know that it still bothers you. Why? Just so that when he does it again, you can refer to it and say, "Hey, we discussed this on Tuesday, remember?"
> 
> But the next time he does it, let their be a consequence. He needs to be trained not to keep staring. If you're in a public place, do something to embarrass him. Spill water on him, pinch him or hell,... give him a slap. I bet it won't happen as much. If someone were to look at the two of you when he is staring at another women, I assume you would be embarrassed/disrespected. Unless he experiences the same feeling, I don't this his staring will change.
> 
> If you want, you can even be generous and warn him beforehand ...during your talk. Tell him, " If you continue to disrespect me, by staring at other women and commenting about their looks... I will embarrass you in public until you stop."
> 
> I'm only suggesting an action, because words have already failed. It's going one ear and out the other. Perhaps an action will be more of a shock.


LOL, I would NEVER have thought to do this! Really? While I like the idea as you present it, I think I'd be too embarrassed to actually pull it off for several reasons: one, it's embarrassing enough that he's checking someone else out while he's with me, it feels like 'I'm not enough', two, I'm not one to create a scene, three, by creating a scene I think I would feel like a pathetic insecure jealous *****. No?


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## Woodchuck

I told my wife of 47 years, "If you notice me NOT looking, call the undertaker". It's a guy thing, hardwired in....:smthumbup:


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## Cosmos

Woodchuck said:


> I told my wife of 47 years, "If you notice me NOT looking, call the undertaker". It's a guy thing, hardwired in....:smthumbup:


It's not just a guy thing, women look, too. There's a big difference between looking and staring so hard that it draws attention and causes humiliation and embarrassment.


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