# The role of power in infidelity



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I really believe that my ex's infidelity had more to do with a power trip more than anything at all....i believe she wanted to say "take this" as a way of getting back at me for perceived wrongs...I have a lawyer friend who says infidelity has more to do with anger than sex...just curious as to what others feel.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree that it is rarely about sex.

In the end I wonder if it really matters what it's about as once it's done, it's done.

In a way if it were just about sex it would be easy to avoid and easy to fix.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

I do believe they have to villanize the BS on some level, in order to justify what they are doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You are correct, the anger is actually internal. Generally the ws is unhappy with themselves. They use the affair to resolve and affairs never resolve anything.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

jim123 said:


> You are correct, the anger is actually internal. Generally the ws is unhappy with themselves. They use the affair to resolve and affairs never resolve anything.


Agree. Insecurities, lack of a healthy self image, a need to be perceived as a "victim" - all of these contribute to the WS's affair in many cases. The AP provides an easy and quick fix - massaging all the hurts with superficial "love". The rush and excitement of the affair makes them think their wounds are healed - but the wounds actually get deeper because of the lies and deceptions needed to hide the affair. So it's a vicious cycle.
Ironically, when the WS gets even angrier and begin to hate themselves even more - they will blame their loyal spouse for their new pains. Again - it's a vicious cycle and a very hard cycle to break, even when the affair ends.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case my fWW infidelity was more about bandaids then power trips, but yes she (my wife) has mentioned the power she had over OM's versus the lack of power she had over me.

In a way if the WS is angry then I suppose its still a bandaid they need.


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## N_chanted (Nov 11, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Agree. Insecurities, lack of a healthy self image, a need to be perceived as a "victim" - all of these contribute to the WS's affair in many cases. The AP provides an easy and quick fix - massaging all the hurts with superficial "love". The rush and excitement of the affair makes them think their wounds are healed - but the wounds actually get deeper because of the lies and deceptions needed to hide the affair. So it's a vicious cycle.
> Ironically, when the WS gets even angrier and begin to hate themselves even more - they will blame their loyal spouse for their new pains. Again - it's a vicious cycle and a very hard cycle to break, even when the affair ends.


I totally agree with this, based upon what my H has said. 

He has told me numerous times, that he hates himself for what he's done, and seeing my pain only makes it more difficult for him. He then starts a new affair to make himself feel better, to have it cycle into more hate for himself, when i find out and he sees my pain about it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

When I caught my wife having cybersex with guys she went to High Schools with she talked a lot about how it made her feel powerful. She could get these guys who never paid her any attention to do and say almost anything for her now. 

Definitely a self esteem problem if you ask me.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I really believe that my ex's infidelity had more to do with a power trip more than anything at all....i believe she wanted to say "take this" as a way of getting back at me for perceived wrongs...I have a lawyer friend who says infidelity has more to do with anger than sex...just curious as to what others feel.


If you've got a free day (or two) click on the link from my sig
and read about how my stbxw did the same exact thing.

No crying.... no apologizing... no begging for forgiveness....

Nope, it was more like "fine, I f*cked him, are you happy now?"


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I agree that it is rarely about sex.
> 
> In the end I wonder if it really matters what it's about as once it's done, it's done.
> 
> In a way if it were just about sex it would be easy to avoid and easy to fix.


I'm of the belief that if it was "just about sex", you'd do what
any sane person would do. Go home, get relaxed and rub one out.

Much less painful to everyone than say... destroying trust forever.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

good points cantthinkstraight ....yea, it takes a cold hearted hctib to carryon the way my ex did.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My wife's affairs were definitely an ego trip for her. She admitted that she enjoyed the way OM were "chasing" and complementing her. It gave her a sense of power, made her feel good about her middle age and way she looked. The sex was more icing than cake. 

I was at a loss, she treated me with such indifference. I could never do right. The power trip definitely spilled over into our marriage. At DDAY it all evaporated in an instant. The 6 year charade was over. It was strange the way the attention that I desired from her, now in an instant meant nothing to me.


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