# Confused



## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, I have four children and he has one child. For the year we had an amazing life. He fell at work and was then in constant pain. Alcohol was his go to for pain management. He has always drank so this was not a huge issue. The pandemic hit and everything was hard and stressful. He became very stern and we could not agree on how to discipline the kids. We got married 9/11/2020, all was well for a year. The kids were unhappy, there was drug use and he became someone I did not know. One night I woke up at midnight he was not home, but his ring was, I messaged him and he did not reply when he got home he said he was fishing. Instead of yelling at him I filled out divorce papers, I was not going to do anything with them but it did help me calm down. He found them was very hurt and then he He moved into the shed at the end of September 2021 and acted like we didn't exist, wouldn't communicate with me. I found him on hookup websites chatting sexually with a lot of woman on there, when I tried to talk to him about it he said stop reading. I waited 2 months for him to come back into the home. He didn't so I moved out. I was broken, spent 6 months drinking and going out. I realized this was not what I wanted. May 22 2022 I reached out to him (we still talked off and on, him wanting me to come back) I told him I was ready to work on us. It wouldn't be easy. Since then we semi text, I go over to his house on the weekends, and when I have a minute, it has been nice, we talk about what went wrong but I do no feel like he is fully committed. He says he wants a "trail" period. We went on a trip two weekends ago and went well but he was upset when I told him that my family and friends asked if I was going with him and I told them no. He does not think I should lie, but then again I do not want to blow up my life if he is not committed to me. My family and friends will be VERY upset if they knew I was trying to work on this with him. This past weekend I spent Friday night with him, I went back Saturday and he acted like I didn't exist, I waited for him to text me and he didn't. I went back over Sunday and knocked and knocked but he would not answer. I sent him a message to let him know to have it his way. He wrote back that night saying some gibberish, and since then I haven't heard from him. I do not understand, I feel if he wanted to work on our marriage he would contact me and make an effort. I know when he gets sad he doesn't talk, but this feels a bit different. I know I should probably just move on. However I love him with all my heart, I know he loves me but he does not seem like he wants me anymore. But then again, I am having a hare time trusting him since he was talking to those woman when I was waiting for him in the house. I don't know, I am SOOOO confused!!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He doesn’t love you. He enjoyed the sex. It’s time to move on. If he loved you he wouldn’t be a pouty brat living in a shed sexting randos


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bfarrar said:


> He wrote back that night saying some gibberish, and since then I haven't heard from him. I do not understand,


You don't understand because you're living in "hopium", trying to fix something that is not fixable. You need to look introspect as to why are you traying to keep yourself in such a bad relationship (if we can call it that) for you and your children. You should be asking yourself "why I don't understand that trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic/drug user who doesn't give one red cent about me is bad for me and my children". Are you that desperate for a man? are so desperate that you'll take whatever, as long as is a "man"? Think of how the presence of that man would impact your children's well being. Forget about him. See if you can get help to determine why are you willing to take so little and so low in your life.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

What the heck is going on with your kids during all of this drinking, drug use, living in the shed, moving in and out, etc?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you are hooking up. That might equal working on your marriage for you but not for him — he’s just having sex.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He doesn’t love you. He enjoyed the sex. It’s time to move on. If he loved you he wouldn’t be a pouty brat living in a shed sexting randos


As far as I know he hasn’t been on those sites or hasn’t been with anyone, but who knows. Maybe you are right.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> You don't understand because you're living in "hopium", trying to fix something that is not fixable. You need to look introspect as to why are you traying to keep yourself in such a bad relationship (if we can call it that) for you and your children. You should be asking yourself "why I don't understand that trying to have a relationship with an alcoholic/drug user who doesn't give one red cent about me is bad for me and my children". Are you that desperate for a man? are so desperate that you'll take whatever, as long as is a "man"? Think of how the presence of that man would impact your children's well being. Forget about him. See if you can get help to determine why are you willing to take so little and so low in your life.


I am not desperate for a man; I love my husband and wanted to make it work. He has good moments and a good heart, but I think that may be gone now idk. As far as the kids he wasn’t going to be in their lives for a while, just was going to be him and I working on our marriage.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> What the heck is going on with your kids during all of this drinking, drug use, living in the shed, moving in and out, etc?


The kids were in our house, I took care of them; he is not their bio dad.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> The two of you are hooking up. That might equal working on your marriage for you but not for him — he’s just having sex.


When we hung out it wasn’t centered around sex. Sometimes We would, but most of the time we would hang out, connect playing board games.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

bfarrar said:


> When we hung out it wasn’t centered around sex. Sometimes We would, but most of the time we would hang out, connect playing board games.


Sex usually tends to complicates things. I don’t think it likely meant to him what it meant to you.

Where were your children going to be while you hoped to work on your marriage if he wasn’t going to be in their lives?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bfarrar said:


> I love my husband and wanted to make it work.


What love got to do with anything in your equation? Answer: NOTHING, because you loving him is not the problem here. The problem is that he's a man that's not a good prospective partner for you anymore. You need to understand this. You're looking through the glasses of what he once was, not what he actually now is.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Sex usually tends to complicates things. I don’t think it likely meant to him what it meant to you.
> 
> Where were your children going to be while you hoped to work on your marriage if he wasn’t going to be in their lives?


My children are teenagers; I see him when I don’t have them or when they are busy with their friends. I keep telling myself he needs space, but get upset that he can’t or won’t text me back. I just have to let go, I did 6 months ago and I decided to try again and back to square one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

bfarrar said:


> My children are teenagers; I see him when I don’t have them or when they are busy with their friends. I keep telling myself he needs space, but get upset that he can’t or won’t text me back. I just have to let go, I did 6 months ago and I decided to try again and back to square one.


If he was really interested in working things out, he would be trying hard to do that. I agree that letting go is your best option.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Love isn't enough. This cheating addict is not somebody who can be trusted. Go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love addicts. You will gain a lot o f insight.


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## bfarrar (6 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Love isn't enough. This cheating addict is not somebody who can be trusted. Go to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting. It's a support group for people who love addicts. You will gain a lot o f insight.


Thank you, I will look into these groups.


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