# Should he take the job promotion just to fulfill my want of him to retire early?



## justahousewife (3 mo ago)

Hello, apologize for English is not my native language. I really need advice on this as we only have till the end of the month to give his boss an answer (his boss did give us 3 months to think about it and now the deadline is coming up), and I just can't seem to decide.

Husband is 38, he has work in his job field since he was 23 (he 38 now) so he has 15 years of experience in his job field, and he has seniority as his job. His boss give him a promotion, which will required us to move 3.5 hours drive away as there where the Chemical Plant is. 

I'm a housewife (I haven't work since married, and we married a long time), I never wanted children (we are childless), and both of my parents passed away, I don't have any family here (except my grandma back in my homeland), so I can move with my husband anywhere if he takes this promotion. I'm also 38, and we lives in the U.S.

I always wanted him to retire early, he knows this and want to fulfill this wish of mine so I can be happy. Take this promotion means higher position and higher pay, and we can faster fulfill the wish of mine of him retire early. He leave the choice up to me, he said where I am that where his home is, I move he move, I stay he stay.

I'm on the fence because deep down I don't want to move. He is debt-free (we both are), he very responsible with money. No mortgage (he paid the house in cash with his savings), not a big house or anything but a 1,700 square feet house which I find big enough for a childless couple. Cars are paid off in cash too. No credit cards debt. No student loans debt. He makes 130K a year take home (that is after taxes), we live comfy with his income, I'm very frugal. 

So it not like we starving or need that promotion. I like where we live, the city, I like the neighborhood here, the house he bought was just back in 2019 and it was newly build when he bought it, we are the first owner of this house. The house is still new. No, I don't want to sale it. But then if we take the promotion and move, this house we just let his mom live in.

His jobs will pay for the place we live in if he takes the promotion and move. Yes, I did visit the new location of his job, and honestly I don't like it at all, I don't like the area, the neighborhood, it far from the city, and I feel like it a downgrade compared to our current location. Ugh.. just visit there I got bitten by mosquitoes and bugs everywhere. Mosquitoes must love my B blood (as my husband is O blood and he didn't get bitten, lol).

I honestly not want to move, we are not starving, we really don't need this promotion. My husband has no preference he leave it up to me, as he knows how important I am on want him to retire early, so this promotion (with higher pay) is a way of fulfill my what I want faster. 

I really don't want to move. But then half of me not want to hinder his career. He said he is happy with his jobs with his 130K a year take home pay, and be debt-free. He not want this promotion. But he tell his boss he thinks about it as he knows it pays more and my goal of him retire early can come faster.

We have o give his boss a decision by the end of this month and I'm stress out as heck, very stress, I just can't seem to decide.

What would you do if you were me or in my situation?

Thank you so much for your advice.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

What are your husband's career aspirations? I'm not sure how early he would like to retire, but would he be happy in his current position for the next 15 years or so? I sense you don't really want to move to this new location. How string is the dislike of the new area? Would you eventually find yourself miserable, or is it just not ideal?


I am also curious about why you aren't working, at least part time. Even if you don't need the money, I believe it is healthy to have the socialization opportunities that working gives you. Do you have friends in you current location?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

justahousewife said:


> Hello, apologize for English is not my native language. I really need advice on this as we only have till the end of the month to give his boss an answer (his boss did give us 3 months to think about it and now the deadline is coming up), and I just can't seem to decide.
> 
> Husband is 38, he has work in his job field since he was 23 (he 38 now) so he has 15 years of experience in his job field, and he has seniority as his job. His boss give him a promotion, which will required us to move 3.5 hours drive away as there where the Chemical Plant is.
> 
> ...


If you are going to be miserable, then it's not worth it. Maybe if it's very short term but that doesn't sound like the case.

If you want him to retire early, why don't you get a job so you can contribute to savings? Even if you aren't making great money, it's probably equivalent to or higher than the raise.


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## justahousewife (3 mo ago)

Because of fulfill my wish of him retire early, he work nights (which pays him more than work day), and I know nights is hard on his health, but he sacrifice for me. I stay home because that is what he wants (as it what I want too), he said he work nights, home in the day, if I work too (which will be in daytime) then when will we have time for each others.

I don't work, I mean what is there for me to work at nights (since he work nights and home in the day)? I want to wait for him home so we can sleep together and spend the time together, as day time everything is open, we do activities and go places together.

I like my life how it is, I don't want to change. Neither does he. With him make 130K take home income, and we both debt-free, we can afford him to retire early. It just I don't know if he wants to retire early, as he work all his life. And I don't know if he wants to go to my homeland with me.

Both my parents passed away, I only have my grandma left in my homeland. I like USA but sorry, I prefer my homeland more. I do not want to live in USA till old age to the day I die. If it weren't because of him I already go back to my homeland.

No, I didn't married him for citizenship or his money. I immigrant with my parents to USA when I was 9 years old (5 years after being here my parents got their US citizenship and the child under age me got automatic citizenship with them). Didn't met my husband till I was 25. I'm 38 now, so we together over a decade.
I grow up here. It just we often fly back and forth due to we still have my grandma back in our homeland. Since my parents passed away, I just want to go back to my homeland with my grandma, her house she leave for me in events of her passing, so I have a house back in my homeland. Sorry I don't need his house in USA.

eta: I want to go back to my homeland, I like the simple life in my homeland, the place where I was born and speak my language and has my culture. I don't need his money or whatever he has in the US.

I know eventually it will come to this where I have to decide if I love him enough to stay in USA for the rest of my life. Sorry, I not sure if I can do it. USA is not my home. Why I want him to retire early? Because I want him to go with me to my homeland and live there.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Does he know that you are expecting him to retire and move out of the US? What if he doesn't want to do that?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@justahousewife ,

My Beloved Hubby and I have actually faced this exact same situation. My husband has been in his field for almost 30 years, and was in management for probably 20 years. He was stressed out from the business politics and disagreeing with the philosophy of where the company was headed. He got an offer to move out of management and still make a salary with which we are both comfortable, and he LOVES what he does and his team. So even though we earn less now as a couple, he is MUCH happier and we are content where we are. Yes, we do have to wait a little to be able to retire, but while we wait, there is that stress and backstabbing that comes along with upper management. Instead we know it's going to take X years to get there, but while we wait those X years, both of us enjoy our work and have time for each other, living in a place we love. 

My opinion would be to thank them for considering him, but say "no thank you" and continue to enjoy your home, your salary, and your current life. You're happy! Stay happy. The retirement will come at a normal pace and while you wait for that time to come, you will both be happy.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

justahousewife said:


> I stay home because that is what he wants (as it what I want too)





justahousewife said:


> I like my life how it is, I don't want to change.


Well, what do you want more? Your husband to retire early or for you to not work? You're starting to sound selfish. 


justahousewife said:


> I don't work, I mean what is there for me to work at nights


There are plenty of night jobs. Grocery stores, gas stations, fast food, hospitals, factory, warehouse, hotel, personal shopper, janitor. 

And that's from spending less than a minute on Indeed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I take the opposite tact.

He should take the promotion, shoot for the stars.
You can always step down, not so, that stepping higher.

Ambition is a good thing, failing that, leads to despair.
...........................................

_"I know eventually it will come to this where *I have to decide if I love him enough to stay in USA for the rest of my life.* Sorry, I not sure if I can do it. USA is not my home. Why I want him to retire early? Because I want him to go with me to my homeland and live there". _

You have to decide if you love him enough?

Gods! 
This is very troubling.

You sound selfish, and very self centered.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

justahousewife said:


> Hello, apologize for English is not my native language. I really need advice on this as we only have till the end of the month to give his boss an answer (his boss did give us 3 months to think about it and now the deadline is coming up), and I just can't seem to decide.
> 
> Husband is 38, he has work in his job field since he was 23 (he 38 now) so he has 15 years of experience in his job field, and he has seniority as his job. His boss give him a promotion, which will required us to move 3.5 hours drive away as there where the Chemical Plant is.
> 
> ...


Does your husband also no longer have family where you live now? 

If he is happy at his work where he is now and there is no reason to think him refusing the position will put his current job in jeopardy (that can happen if they need people to be willing to move so they can expand), then I would stay. If he has no big work conflicts with people at work and doesn't dread going to work, I am for not giving that up. The new place he could have a bad person to work with or something. 

But again, he should clarify with the company if they are okay with it if he declines the offer. After all, waiting until the deadline really isn't very nice to the company if they are needing someone to go there. Now they have to start all over.


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## justahousewife (3 mo ago)

I'm sorry I work or not the only person can decide that is my husband because he is the one that financially support me. And why would a man who make 130K take home a year want his wife to work at the gas station or janitor at nights? There are men out there who take pride in provide for their wife, I'm sorry if you not one of them, but you not my husband.

To @DownByTheRiver, actually the position doesn't start until Jan 2023 (beginning of next year), so technically his jobs still have 2 full months (Nov and Dec) to get someone else, and I'm sure they have a second choice in line in case my husband decline the offer. 
The reason why his boss was generous to let us know ahead since August is due to in case we need to sale our house and get arrangement for his mom (as she old).

I don't want to move, period. And he not want to neither. Another reason to it is his mom, whom old, and the only immediately family member he has left. His father passed away already, and his older sister died due to drunk driver crash into her car while on the freeway. He the only son and the only child of her left, he not want to be far from her (this move is 3.5 hours away).

We bought his mom a small condo in 2019 for her to live in, it was me that told him to because she is old. The condo is still new as it was newly build when we bought it. Right now she live 15 min drive from us, it easier us for us to check up with her and keep an eye on her due to her age.

Right now we live in the city, if we move we be moving to a middle of no where, well not really middle of no where but it just less population (I mean understandable since a huge Chemical plant is there so it has to be far from population), the place there is like a downgrade of where we live now.

In fact he can retire right now and go with me to my homeland to live with my grandma, my grandma house is mine once she pass away (paper works already done the house will be mine in event of her passing). It doesn't cost much money to live in my homeland. But I'm sure he not want to live with my grandma, that is why I told him (when his mom and my grandma pass) then he can go to my homeland to retire.

I dunno, you tell me, would you take the promotion? Someone told me if the new place is a downgrade of where you live right now then don't move. It is a downgrade.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

justahousewife said:


> I'm sorry I work or not the only person can decide that is my husband because he is the one that financially support me. And why would a man who make 130K take home a year want his wife to work at the gas station or janitor at nights? There are men out there who take pride in provide for their wife, I'm sorry if you not one of them, but you not my husband.
> 
> To @DownByTheRiver, actually the position doesn't start until Jan 2023 (beginning of next year), so technically his jobs still have 2 full months (Nov and Dec) to get someone else, and I'm sure they have a second choice in line in case my husband decline the offer.
> The reason why his boss was generous to let us know ahead since August is due to in case we need to sale our house and get arrangement for his mom (as she old).
> ...


I don't like uprooting. I am 70 and from a lifetime of different jobs, usually two at a time, I wouldn't quit one where I was really happy and getting along with everybody, because that is rare. 

Some people don't actually enjoy retirement anyway!! Be careful what you wish for. Some people need to feel productive to keep their spirits up. I think you should stay put. My opinion only. Good luck!!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

justahousewife said:


> I'm sorry I work or not the only person can decide that is my husband because he is the one that financially support me. And why would a man who make 130K take home a year want his wife to work at the gas station or janitor at nights? There are men out there who take pride in provide for their wife, I'm sorry if you not one of them, but you not my husband.


It is not just your husband's choice. It is yours as well. 

My take home pay is higher than that. My wife is a SAHM and even with 6 kids, we live very comfortably without her working, we have nice things, and we don't have any credit card debt, car payments, or mortgages on our three properties. I don't want her working and she doesn't need to, BUT if she really wanted to, I wouldn't stop her. She'd be working to pay the nanny (essentially) but if it made her happy, so be it. She's trained as a end of life care/hospice nurse but if she wanted to go back to something else, something easier and less stressful, why should I stop her?

It sounds like you have never worked, and it also sounds like you think you are above entry level positions. You aren't. 

If you don't want to move, but want more money, and don't want to work dayshifts... guess what your option is? Get a job that you are qualified for. 

You clearly don't want to work though, and you have been very clear that you don't want to move. So, problem solved. You stay where you are, with the current family income.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

You insult one of the responders by saying he’s not a man that takes pride in supporting his wife (paraphrasing). In America, women are much more than just their husband’s property. This is something that woman all over the world wish for. We are equals, partners, and intellectually capable of being self supporting. It’s nearly unheard of in any healthy marriage for a married woman without children to not work AT ALL, or at least not do volunteer work. 130K is hardly Kardashian money, but even those women work. You clearly like being a kept woman. You’ve both made your decision to stay, why is this even a question? I do wonder if your keeper knows that you plan to leave him if doesn’t relocate with you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

justahousewife said:


> I'm sorry I work or not the only person can decide that is my husband because he is the one that financially support me. And why would a man who make 130K take home a year want his wife to work at the gas station or janitor at nights? There are men out there who take pride in provide for their wife, I'm sorry if you not one of them, but you not my husband.


I take pride in providing for my wife and have an income that more than allows her to have no need to work. She was a stay at home mom for 10+ years with no income. Yet she worked before kids and started working as they got older. She does it because it is what she wants to do. I don't feel like less of a man because she works. Quite the opposite. I have so much pride in what my wife does because she is good at it. It makes her happy and gives her a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

I must also say, this statement makes you sound very arrogant and snobby. Cashier and janitor are just so far beneath you. 




justahousewife said:


> I don't want to move, period. And he not want to neither. Another reason to it is his mom, whom old, and the only immediately family member he has left. His father passed away already, and his older sister died due to drunk driver crash into her car while on the freeway. He the only son and the only child of her left, he not want to be far from her (this move is 3.5 hours away).


Neither of you want to move, so don't. Why are you even here? Is it because you are money hungry and want him to get a bigger paycheck? If you are both happy and satisfied right now and he doesn't have a burning desire for advancement, why would he take the promotion and move?



justahousewife said:


> In fact he can retire right now and go with me to my homeland to live with my grandma, my grandma house is mine once she pass away (paper works already done the house will be mine in event of her passing). It doesn't cost much money to live in my homeland. But I'm sure he not want to live with my grandma, that is why I told him *(when his mom and my grandma pass) then he can go to my homeland to retire.*


Is that something he wants to do?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll give a basic answer to the OP.
You want him to retire early, right?
Here is your chance to make that happen.
Short term pain for long term gain.
You have to decide what you want.
You want him out early? Then you do your part and support him to make it happen.
You don't want to make the sacrifice(s)? Then he is back on a regular retirement schedule.
However if you don't go for it, accept your plight and don't bring it up again.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

justahousewife said:


> I'm sorry I work or not the only person can decide that is my husband because he is the one that financially support me. And why would a man who make 130K take home a year want his wife to work at the gas station or janitor at nights? There are men out there who take pride in provide for their wife, I'm sorry if you not one of them, but you not my husband.


Wow. That's a lot of entitlement in one post.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

You want too many things and the pressure is on your husband's shoulders. What's your priority? Retire early or be happy where you are?

I've moved to 7 different states in 15 years. Our last home was in a state I didn't like and even though my husband could make more money there, we decided to move to a place we like, closer to family but more expensive. We did it because we wanted a happier life. It will probably takes us longer to retire but we enjoy where we are.

I'm also an immigrant, and it's pretty sad you don't consider the US your home after living here most of your life. I came to this country when I was 22 and it took time and effort to get used to the culture but I was determined to learn and go out and enjoy this country's culture. I have to say I don't think I can get used to living in my home country again and I love fried chicken, bbq, gumbo, clam chowder, etc. too much.... Lol! 

You have to figure out what you want but be realistic about your decision. And I hope your husband knows you are waiting for him to retire to leave him behind. SMH.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justahousewife said:


> I know eventually it will come to this where I have to decide if I love him enough to stay in USA for the rest of my life. Sorry, I not sure if I can do it. USA is not my home. Why I want him to retire early? Because I want him to go with me to my homeland and live there.


How much time have you spent in your homeland after you moved here to the USA?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I hope your husband knows you are waiting for him to retire to leave him behind. SMH.


I wonder if she intends for him to continue to financially support her if she leaves to go “home.”


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

justahousewife said:


> I don't want to move, period. And he not want to neither.


Sounds like the decision is made. With no debt and making $130k, you guys can invest heavily, stay where you are and still retire early, especially if his company has a matching 401k. Listen, I used to love my job and then it changed around me. Had to stick it our for another 8 years to get my pension. Worst 8 years of my life. The extra money is not worth it if you are not happy in your work. Better to make a little less for a job that you enjoy.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

I highly advise you to start working op. Things happen, life is unpredictable, and you can't rely on him forever.


You are a physically and mentally capable abled body adult who is capable of adding a stream of income to the household.

You sound selfish. In order to possibly improve your relationship, get a job and take some of the load, worry, and stress off of your husband. He is just a human being.. not some unbreakable nonstop machine. 



You don't seem like a good partner. 

Your husband should do whatever makes himself happy.


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