# A total 180



## MBBella (Jun 5, 2020)

Hi,
My husband and I have been together for 3 years now. Married since June 2019. Its my 3rd marriage and his 2nd. He;s been divorced for 15 years. I've been divorced 2 years before we married. So here comes this charming man... so kind and thoughtful. Literally saved my life. I had NEVER lived alone. Never 100% supported myself. Stayed home to raise my two girls. So when I left my kids father I tried to build something for myself to be able to financially take care of me and my girls. This is when I met my current husband... Jimmie. He helped us... literally saved my life. He says he fell in love with me the moment he met me.... and you could tell he was in total love. Took me a bit but I did absolutely fall for him. He bought my ex out of my house and we were together... and became a family. For the first time I had a man in my life that was there for me and my kids. Co parenting for the first time. The girls father NEVER participated in anything to do with the kids other than play and be the fun parent. So here is this guy, come to meetings with me, My kids are now teenagers and he's doing family therapy with us... my oldest went though some serious rough teenage stuff....he stood right by me and helped us through it.
Fast forward..... we moved to a new home. A fixer upper in a town that the value of the house would increase substantially once we did all the work. This was part of our 15 year retirement plan. 
Slowly I started to notice little things like his rules with the kids got harder, and if broken consequences got harder.. no wiggle room. He wanted my full attention 24/7 which he had.. but somehow he felt it wasn't. Then I couldn't do anything right... . complained about how I greeted him in the morning... or when I got home from work.. or how easy I was on the kids... or I spent too much time on my phone talking with my friends. The fighting increased and his temper became volatile. When I wasn't with him he texted me constantly. If I didn't agree with him he got maaadddd. 
I reached out to the family therapist. She said "thank god you finally see it" "I couldn't say anything because I was your family therapist not yours" 
Basically he is controlling. I didn't see it for a long time because he was so amazing and pulled my life together and was so kind and loving I couldn't see anything else.
💔
So now my eyes are open... and I see it clear... he is controlling and mentally abusive. ripped my self esteem to pieces and my self worth lost 90% of its value.
I brought this to his attention in the hope we could work through it. I asked... then begged him to go to marriage counseling. His answer was "lets do a 7 day trial to see if we can get along" What is that? Am I on an interview to save our marriage???
Fast forward again....refused marriage counseling. I told him I could not stay in our marriage without it... so his choice.... we are getting divorced. WHAT??? Really????
Our new fixer upper, now just finished and beautiful is up for sale and the divorce is moving forward. This literally happened over night. He shows no emotion other than focus on getting everything done and move on. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm mad one day, hysterically crying the next, determined the next. He tells me i'm all over the place and an mentally unstable because my moods change so quick. WHAT??? I'm grieving. No emotion from him.. none. I've begged him to try again.... nothing!!!!
So now, here I am trying to figure out how to move on with my two teenage girls and support us. I'm financially in a better position but its tight. Scared to death... want to teach my girls to be strong women... not to depend on others... not to let people teach you badly. 
He recommended me sell my rings for a down payment until we can sell the house. So I inquire about it. Now all of a sudden he's broken hearten that I would sell the diamond. Hes showing more sadness over that than he ever shown over the death of our marriage, 
He still tells me things like... when I'm out wants to know where I am, thinks I'm with another man. Tells me this was my choice, I moved out of the bed and he's like your avoiding me.... we can still remain friends and keep this amicable and watch TV together. UGH.. Passive aggressive.
He is the true definition of a narcissistic psychopath. He would rather lose everything we built than look at himself.
Yet... i'm dying.... I love him... I need him.... the old him. I'm scared to death going on my own with my kids... they have been through so much change and instability. My emotional roller coaster continues... I NEED to survive this.... I need to get strong and do this.... My husband disappeared in front of my eyes. No remorse, no fear, no doubt, no regret... NOTHING.... Who is this man I married LESS than 1 year ago. 💔

Thank you for taking the time to read this.. I know it was very long.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

How long did you two know each other before getting married?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

This is textbook Narcissism -- you fell in love with an illusion...he was NEVER the man he pretended to be. He probably never even really loved you in the normal sense of the word, because he doesn't know HOW to connect with people in a normally loving way. It's important for you to know that NONE of this has anything to do with YOU...it's all because of his dysfunction!

I'm SO sorry you are going through this!!! I'm sure the sorrow and confusion are very difficult to deal with!

Here is an article that might give you some understanding and support with what you are going through right now...in fact, her whole blog is fantastic!!



https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissistic-mirage-coming-to-grips-with-who-they-really-are/



Take care of yourself and your kids, and post here for support and to stay grounded...!!


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## MBBella (Jun 5, 2020)

fencewalker said:


> How long did you two know each other before getting married?


Almost 2 years ..... he was very different until after we married


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## MBBella (Jun 5, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> This is textbook Narcissism -- you fell in love with an illusion...he was NEVER the man he pretended to be. He probably never even really loved you in the normal sense of the word, because he doesn't know HOW to connect with people in a normally loving way. It's important for you to know that NONE of this has anything to do with YOU...it's all because of his dysfunction!
> 
> I'm SO sorry you are going through this!!! I'm sure the sorrow and confusion are very difficult to deal with!
> 
> ...


Thank you... I appreciate you taking the time to give me some words of encouragement. 
I’ll be sure to check out that article. Thank you


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

MBBella said:


> Almost 2 years ..... he was very different until after we married


That’s because after you were married he decided to relax and let the real him come out. The guy you thought you knew — the one you’re in love with — doesn‘t really exist. That was just a mask he wore to reel you in. Be glad you found that out now because things were only going to get worse the longer you were married. After you’re out of this, be on your own for awhile — maybe a long while — before getting into another relationship. Learn to be happy on your own.


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## MBBella (Jun 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> That’s because after you were married he decided to relax and let the real him come out. The guy you thought you knew — the one you’re in love with — doesn‘t really exist. That was just a mask he wore to reel you in. Be glad you found that out now because things were only going to get worse the longer you were married. After you’re out of this, be on your own for awhile — maybe a long while — before getting into another relationship. Learn to be happy on your own.


Lisa you are so right, I know this and he continues to twist every scenario around to make it look like I’m creating the problems. I know he’s toxic, and are relationship is so unhealthy... BUT... I’m scared to death going out for the first time in my life with two teenage girls. I’ve never done this and I literally don’t know if I can do it. 
im far from. Weak feeble woman... I’m strong, I work hard, I know my worth... although it’s currently damaged... I’m just not the type of woman that is easily controlled... but I’ve never been without a man taking the traditional man role.... doing it alone scares the crap out of me. I have no choice and I have to succeed for my girls... ugh.


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