# Sex not there



## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

Been married 5 years. Both 33 years old. I have a daughter from previous relationship that we get every other weekend. Sex was ok before we got married. We dated 2 years before marriage. After marriage, sex slowed down more and more to basically once or twice a month. She has no sex drive at all. I am extremely sexual. When it comes time to have sex, she thinks foreplay is me messaging her for a few minutes then, just allowing me to do what i need to, to finish. She told me the other day that she would never perform oral sex on me ever again. She said it hurts her mouth. She also told me, I dont ever have to go down on her at all, but she was never doing that. For a guy, thats terrible. What do I do now? 
BTW, she says sex is not that important in a marriage. And, she has never masterbated except for once when I bought her a jack rabbit which she only used once. She said she didnt like the mechanical sound. What the hell?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

beachenit-

I am writing a book on your subject. Most of the research is here: Sexless Marraige? I'm not sure if this will apply in your case. How often are you having it?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

A lot of people don't have oral sex, sure its tough if its something you're used to but sex can go in different directions. I do have some sympathy for you though cause sex isn't something that you can turn off and on in a relationship like a tap. I think you're just going to have to tell her that you're not satisfied sexually, it'll probably start an arguement but it's an arguement worth having.


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

Sex always happens when we go to bed. No excitement. And when I bring it up, and I have. She gets extremely pissed. For me, its everywhere around. I can watch tv, and see it. It just kills me to see normal sex go on, and i am stick in this. Not to mention, i consider my wife pretty hot. Its like getting a porshe as a gift, but not getting the keys to drive.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you can confront it or deal with it like i have. i have other interests and now i dont pay my wife any attention, no hugs-kisses-discussions on her day, nothing. i know this wont be recieved well by the "work it out crowd" but i am in the proces of changing my life for me. 

i feel like you should give her one chance to explain why she has no interest in sex. i havent ever really gotten an explaination and i dont feel one partner should have to work that hard to get one. sex is a natural and important part of a successful relationship. she knows it is important to you yet she chooses to not engage in the activity. what are you supposed to do?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> you can confront it or deal with it like i have. i have other interests and now i dont pay my wife any attention, no hugs-kisses-discussions on her day, nothing. i know this wont be recieved well by the "work it out crowd" but i am in the proces of changing my life for me.


okeydokie-

I for one am very interested in your master plan. What is your end goal, and where do you see yourself in 1 year and 5 years time?

I certainly don't believe in working things out at all costs. We have to weigh up the pros and cons and make our choices.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Beach, how was your wife raised? She is/was alot like my wife.

now we been together for 20 years, I been slowly but surely breaking down the barriers of her strict catholic upbringing.

She was always embarressed by her body and sex, etc.

she doesn't like to give BJ's becuase her mouth is to small, actually her mouth is on the small side due to a expermental dental procedure she had done, but hates BJ's. She was never big or receiving oral becuase it was "dirty" I eventually broke her down and she lets me do it.

I was my wife's first and I think only, but I can't be sure she did go to college in another state, I hope she experienced someone else. She says no though, only she knows. I am confident she would never tell me the truth.

Anyway, for the BJ, you should discuss the paramters...never again at all? or no fluid in mouth? I mean can't she do it for a couple of minutes? Negotiate my friend. Also buy her the book, "tickle his pickle" bought it for my wife who is anti-BJ she read it and then performed somethings on me, that almost made me pass out, now she did not get any fluid, she let it shoot in the air.....so negotiate my friend.

Also tell her sex is very important to you in the marriage, ask her what is she interested in her fantasies, my wife never ahs any, so be prepared for that.

Go to a costume site, send her some pics or links to some sexy costumes, with the message....So honey, would you be willing to be the Naughty school girl for me and I can be your horny professor?....see what she says, my wife seems to like role play which I never thought would happen.


My wife didn't like the Rabbit either and doesn't like most, But she does LOVE the Hitachi magic wand with adapter but she will only do it when she is alone, I know this becuase she leaves it plugged into the wall next to our bed  She used it so much, I had to buy her a new one after 5 years becuase the motor burned out! 

My wife is HOT as well and I understand the porche, same issue, such hot wild potential....yet....blah.

If it were up to my wife it would be strictly Missionary, well now doggie, but that is it.

Keep chopping away....


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> okeydokie-
> 
> I for one am very interested in your master plan. What is your end goal, and where do you see yourself in 1 year and 5 years time?
> 
> I certainly don't believe in working things out at all costs. We have to weigh up the pros and cons and make our choices.


i am first and foremost committed to being there as a father to my three children. my problems and feelings are not their fault and they dont deserve the potential fallout. private misery will exist until they are on their own then i can see a parting of the ways as it were.

in the meantime i will try to focus on the few things that make me happy, i am past the point of "trying" so hard on my marriage.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> in the meantime i will try to focus on the few things that make me happy, i am past the point of "trying" so hard on my marriage.


So what happens now in the sex department. Do you still have it? Who initiates?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> So what happens now in the sex department. Do you still have it? Who initiates?


it has dwindled over the past several years. been about 4 weeks but the quality is poor, boring. there is no "playfulness" in our marriage, i never get any indications that sex is on her mind (with me anyways). 

but this isnt my thread and i dont want to hijack it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> but this isnt my thread and i dont want to hijack it.


But your case is very relevant! Just one last question: Who now initiates sex? You or wife?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

wife "makes herself available", no real initiation. kids have to be gone (at school), it has to be a totally safe environment. we go all summer without cause the kids are around. again, there are no signs ever given by her that even when it is safe she would be interested never mind looking forward to it. i used to do all the initiating, play grab butt, kiss on neck, hug her, listen to her, yadda yadda. well it quit payin off several years ago and after dropping all kinds of hints i realized it didnt matter to her. i dont care if its hormonal, or whatever. she KNOWS we arent intimate and she is ok with it, my feeling dont matter to her, so hers now dont to me.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

OKEY sorry to here it buddy, I have to initiate 95% of the time my wife is submissive, if it were up to her we would barely ever, but she believes it is up to me to start it, not her.


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

Majority of the time, its just us. And when we do have sex, I call it maintenance sex. She has no interest in sex i believe. She surely isnt interested in anything involving sex. As far as buying her a book to read, I might as well throw that in the fireplace after i buy it.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

WOW beach.... there has to be some negotiating here.

did she have a strict upbringing?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> OKEY sorry to here it buddy, I have to initiate 95% of the time my wife is submissive, if it were up to her we would barely ever, but she believes it is up to me to start it, not her.


how did you find out that she believes it is up to you? did she actually tell you or do you assume thats just the way it is? 

i know mine doesnt care cause she can go so long without it, and that would be ok if i was given reason to believe that when the time was right we would have great sex and she couldnt wait for it, but alas thats not the case.

other things involved here are hygiene on her part, she doesnt trim much and i hate that. she is also a hoarder and our room and several other rooms in the house are trashy. she is a great mother just a lousy wife (i dont think my expectations are too high).

just so you know, our sex life was great at one time. we both end up satisfied almost everytime. she has grown ever more conservative over the years and now its just boring as hell. i cannot explain that but she just wont do much outside of bland sex. 

sorry for the rant, we are on the virdge of serious problems. i dont like being around her right now and im sure she feels the same. i get nothing out of our marriage except financial stability cause i'll be broke if we divorce. hanging tough right now


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie-

Did you read my article: Sexless Marraige? Is there anything in there that could apply in your case?


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

She did. Her father was very strict. Which made her very strict in many ways. But what would that have to do with sex. Its either you have the desire or not.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well Okey, I flat out asked her how come she never initates sex, I want to know she "wants it" She said, she was not raised that way, to be demanding. She will pretty much give it to me whenever I want, someties it's hot, sometimes it is not.

Also on the "trimming part" my wife doesn't either, but she doesn't mind if I do it to her. Compromise, buy a nice ladies shaver, I bought one at Kohls the other day, Use baby powder and clean it up to your liking. My wife LOVEs it when I clean her up, why?? I have no idea, but she does.

She is also a "pack rat" I've said before she is a slob, piles things up to the point where I go crazy, she is home witht eh kids today, I am at work right now. I imagine I will go home to a messy house.


I recommend you say to your wife, Honey next time we are home alone, Can we do something special for me? If she says what is it? say, "just some fun" if she agree's then... get some sexy lingerie, a digital camera. Then that day when the kids are not home... Clean her up shave her, then ahve her put on the outfit, then do a photosession...give her encouraging words. My wife has gotten better with each photo session.

but it is a great turn on for women to have their husbands drool over them

give it a try, your wife is not much different then mine, but I convinced mine to be a bit naughty


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

beachenit said:


> She did. Her father was very strict. Which made her very strict in many ways. But what would that have to do with sex. Its either you have the desire or not.


it shouldnt have anything to do with it


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> well Okey, I flat out asked her how come she never initates sex, I want to know she "wants it" She said, she was not raised that way, to be demanding. She will pretty much give it to me whenever I want, someties it's hot, sometimes it is not.
> 
> Also on the "trimming part" my wife doesn't either, but she doesn't mind if I do it to her. Compromise, buy a nice ladies shaver, I bought one at Kohls the other day, Use baby powder and clean it up to your liking. My wife LOVEs it when I clean her up, why?? I have no idea, but she does.
> 
> ...



i just dont want to work that hard anymore. i would have a year ago, but i am past that now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

beachenit said:


> She did. Her father was very strict. Which made her very strict in many ways. But what would that have to do with sex. Its either you have the desire or not.





okeydokie said:


> it shouldnt have anything to do with it


Guys, guys, where are you going with this? Of course it has everything to do with it. There are 1000 bogymen form childhood just waiting to spoil things. You need to take an interest in her whole psychological make-up, not just what you see in front of you.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I am with MarkTwain on this one, just call me Huck.

the strict up bringing has EVERYTHING to do with this.

My wife has been raised as a strict catholic, catholic school all her life including college.

Everything sexual was BAD, I mean BAD, I have been with her 20 years, and i am still breaking barriers down.

BJ's bad dirty, Doggie style, was "wrong" Woman on top was "wrong"..... PDA was wrong for a long time (public display of affection) 

I been working hard breaking her out of her shell, and I am still doing it.

While she has opened up further then alot of women, I am not like any other man....I am extremely persisstant (sp?) nothing to bad, but I had to break down barriers...and she enjoyed the "breaking down" the freedom I brought her.

Every boyfriend before me was scared of her father, he had a deep voice and spoke loud, but a nice guy.

She also had a rule of dating a man for 2 months then breaking up with him...so she did not have to do more then kissing.

they are afraid of doing the wrong thing.

After my wife's father died she was afraid to have sex for a while in case her "father was watching" mind you we were married with 2 kids at the time. 

I was lucky I had an open minded mother.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> While she has opened up further then alot of women, I am not like any other man....I am extremely persisstant (sp?) nothing to bad, but I had to break down barriers...and she enjoyed the "breaking down" the freedom I brought her.


Persistent does not even begin to cover how my wife sees me  but she has admitted that she likes being challenged...


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I told my wife, I know her better then she knows her self, I know what she would like and what she wouldn't. Basically through trial and error. 

I also discussed things with her and what her reaction to things.


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

Kids are not a factor in my situation at all. I have my daughter every other weekend. 6 days a month. the rest is ours. She has no desire for it. I guess the real question is, how do you make her want to? When she initates sex, its maintenance sex. Just keep me happy i guess. But im not.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

beachenit-

With most women, sex is never just sex. What is the rest of your relationship like? I suspect she has certain criteria which she expects you to meet, that if you did she would be more sexy, but... she won't tell you what it is, you have to be telepathic.


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## lostangel78 (Jan 2, 2009)

Granted my whole relationship started based on sex with my husband, I was still shy with the whole letting him see me completely naked, unsure about BJ's and if I was doing it right, and after marriage I felt like sex wasn't so important...I was wrong. After talking about it alot I learned that I can just tell him everything I want and he can tell me what he wants and we work out if there are any limits. Basically what I am saying let her know that sex is soooo important because that is the one time when 2 really becomes 1. YOu love with all you have mentally and emotionally but a successful and happy relationship needs that physical touch.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

lostangel78 said:


> Granted my whole relationship started based on sex with my husband, I was still shy with the whole letting him see me completely naked, unsure about BJ's and if I was doing it right, and after marriage I felt like sex wasn't so important...I was wrong. After talking about it alot I learned that I can just tell him everything I want and he can tell me what he wants and we work out if there are any limits. Basically what I am saying let her know that sex is soooo important because that is the one time when 2 really becomes 1. YOu love with all you have mentally and emotionally but a successful and happy relationship needs that physical touch.


ok, i just want to know why a woman doesnt already know that sex is important to a man? its not a closely guarded secret. the big question here is, why must the man make all the effort to get what he wants? why does a woman enjoy the hell out of sex but never seems to want it? (i am not stereotyping here, i know its not always the case).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> the big question here is, why must the man make all the effort to get what he wants? why does a woman enjoy the hell out of sex but never seems to want it?


Having the answer to that question won't help. Why not take it as a given that most woman need coaxing? 

My wife says it's like knowing the grass is green and pleasant in the next field, but not being able to open the gate. When I push her along a bit, it's like I carry her over the gate, and all is good. These are her words, not mine.

In your case, it sounds like the marriage is pretty much hated by both partners, so I'm not surprised sex is out the window. If you could both feel positive about the marriage, then sex would be more likely to flow.

In fact I could almost guarantee it. Look at it this way. You're having sex already, but it's not very good. Imagine what would happen if every other aspect of your marriage improved - sex would be bound to get better.

Apart form sex, what would be her top 5 list complaints about you?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Having the answer to that question won't help. Why not take it as a given that most woman need coaxing?
> 
> My wife says it's like knowing the grass is green and pleasant in the next field, but not being able to open the gate. When I push her along a bit, it's like I carry her over the gate, and all is good. these are her words, not mine.
> 
> ...



ok, the marriage is "not good" from my standpoint cause the sex has gotten bad. its the chicken or the egg situation. the fact remains that sex is the most intimate experience you can share with your spouse, the ONLY person that you experience it with through the committment to marriage. unless one partner has drastically changed the dynamic of the marriage (abuse, addictions, major illness, weight gain, etc..) why stop?

and you only confirmed that the mystery that is a woman exist with your green grass/open gate analogy. we wont solve it and i only discuss it cause its frustrating. again, in my situation, she once was sexually aggressive (equal to me), she once was was sexually adventurous (equal to me), she once showed interest in sex (equal to me). it was give and take. things we once enjoyed are no longer even in the mix.

there are women who like sex (several on this forum) and seek it with their husbands. i seek possible causes as to my wife's declining interest, and have had those provided to me by you and a few others, thank you. nobody can know every detail leading up to where we are today.

the main point here is...she knows it has declined and doesnt care. she seems to be quite happy to go thru life without (i think). that leaves me high and dry unless i stray, and i haven't.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Apart form sex, what would be her top 5 list complaints about you?



BTW, i have looked at myself alot during this period. alot of soul searching and being honest with myself. i have a few things to work on but i cant say that they are things that have always been there, again its the chicken or the egg. i wish i knew that she was doing the same, but i have to believe that if it is going the way she wants it to and she is ok with it....why would she want to change it ooops, right back to me making all the effort


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> but i have to believe that if it is going the way she wants it to and she is ok with it....why would she want to change it ooops, right back to me making all the effort


You are not being clear minded.

There are two issues here.

1) The marriage has problems.
2) Who is going to get started with the fixing.

You are mixing up the two. Do you really care who fixes it? If you do, then there are now 3 problems:

1) The marriage has problems.
2) Who is going to get started with the fixing.
3) Pride over who puts in the work.




MarkTwain said:


> My wife says it's like knowing the grass is green and pleasant in the next field, but not being able to open the gate. When I push her along a bit, it's like I carry her over the gate, and all is good. These are her words, not mine.





okeydokie said:


> and you only confirmed that the mystery that is a woman exist with your green grass/open gate analogy. we wont solve it and i only discuss it cause its frustrating.


But in my case it is solved. She basically told me she likes it when I lift her over the gate - so I lift! If I did not lift, things would be rather dull, so it's my choice.

Of course I would love it if she picked me up and lifted me - and once in a while she does and it's a nice surprise. But quite frankly she does a lot round the house and with the kids, so I can't say she is lazy. The gate is in her mind anyhow, it's just a game we play, she leaves the clues, I look for them and we have fun.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Okey was there an event that stopped her?

Like right after Birth of a child?

Menopuase?

Death in the family?

any life changing event?

it could be hormonal, she ever see a Dr to have her hormones checked out?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Okey was there an event that stopped her?
> 
> Like right after Birth of a child?
> 
> ...



no on all accounts, and thats just it. the others are emotional problems and thats one thing, hormonal problems are correctable with a doctors care and thats another.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

has she ever been tested for hormonal inbalance? Have you ever asked her to get checked out? Maybe you both can get tested.

I once had a female friend who thought she had a STD, so as a good friend I took her to a clinic, I figured I would get tested while I am there. 

Both came back clean! 

but she loved that I did the test with her, it helped her get through a rough patch.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie-

OK, different perspective! If this was Quantum Leap... would I get anywhere?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> okeydokie-
> 
> OK, different perspective! If this was Quantum Leap... would I get anywhere?


:scratchhead:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> has she ever been tested for hormonal inbalance? Have you ever asked her to get checked out? Maybe you both can get tested.
> .


no, that goes back to the above question, if she is ok with the frequency of sex, why should she get tested? why would i have to prompt her if she already knows that a hormonal imbalance may be the issue? whay cant she say "dang, i dont feel like sex and that isnt right for a woman of my age, maybe i should get tested"?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You must have heard of Quantum Leap? Sam jumps into different people and fixes their lives?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You must have heard of Quantum Leap? Sam jumps into different people and fixes their lives?



why do i get the feeling that i am becoming a subject of a Mark twain article?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> ok, i just want to know why a woman doesnt already know that sex is important to a man? its not a closely guarded secret. the big question here is, why must the man make all the effort to get what he wants? why does a woman enjoy the hell out of sex but never seems to want it? (i am not stereotyping here, i know its not always the case).


I think many women know that sex as portrayed in the media, porn, etc. is directed at men and may conclude that most men are sexual beings. However, I also have many women friends who might generalize 'men are pigs' but of course their spouse is 'different'...in these cases, it really is a misunderstanding of men and sexual urges...they feel lucky that their husband is not like those other men and will love them whether sex is frequent or not...they may have gotten hints that their husband wants more sex, but they feel it's okay to roll their eyes and ignore it, not having a clue how important this really is. I think the husband needs to take some ownership in making sure they aren't tip-toeing around on this issue.

I can only speak for myself, but I really enjoy sex but I could go quite some time without it and not really be affected. I don't have sexual fantasies throughout the day and very rarely feel the 'need' for sex. 

I do think it's an important part of my marriage and always enjoy it and the closeness it brings, so I make an effort to keep thoughts of sex in the forefront and my husband is great at always coming up with sometihng new to make things fun...he also knows that foreplay starts long before we go to bed...He has planned some nice evenings...romantic dinner, music, hottub, champagne, massages...on these nights, I can't imagine anything else on my mind!

Women having low libidos after marriage is also not a closely guarded secret & fairly common...the danger lies when she assumes not having sex because she doesn't want it is okay within a healthy marriage. To be honest, for me when I'm not feeling any urges, having regular sex actually increases my libido...a lot!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How, as a wife, I went from not wanting sex to wanting and having sex regularly (3-4 times per week):

I think our marriage had come to a point where neither of us were feeling fulfilled, although we both loved one another we were feeling let down by what we hoped our marriage together would be. It came to a head when a woman from his work paid him attention that he really started to question his feelings.
I was not happy either, but having been divorced once before I felt I needed to stay committed regardless because I would not put my kids through another divorce. This was a turning point for us. I knew I was well on my way to losing him if I didn't let my guard down and talk to him about how I felt about us, 
our marriage, myself and what was missing. This came in the form of an emotional breakdown on my part, but I guess bottling up over the years took its toll.

What I was missing:

spending family time together
spending time alone with him and talking
having help with paying bills, household chores
sharing goals and future plans
in general, living as a family unit vs. roommates doing their own thing
I began to feel as though he had one foot out the door and wasn't fully committed to me

What he was missing:

feeling like a priority in my life
regular sex
feeling like the head of the household 
feeling like equal partners
feeling needed and desired by me
some control over parenting

One of the first things we did was to start dating again...once a week and when the kids are with my ex. It gave us time to talk...about us...about work...to laugh together. It also gave us downtime to have fun...we started working out together, decorating our house, going to comedy club, movie, dinner, mall...things we got in the habit of doing on our own, we now do together. Very early into this, I began to feel that he truely loved me and wasn't going anywhere. And he began to realize that I really did need him and desire him (he's hot  ) Once I felt emotionally close and connected to him, my libido was 
back on track and has remained there for 1.5 years...aint no goin' back for either of us now, God willing


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

great stuff swedish


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> Sex was ok before we got married. We dated 2 years before marriage.


To original poster: was the sex "ok" or "good"? Was it good for her?

It's very odd that she has had such a shift in only 5 years with no kids coming into the picture. If I were you, I'd approach her from the standpoint of "what's happened to our relationship?" rather than "what's happened to the sex?". She might be more responsive to exploring what, if anything, has changed for her emotionally since the two of you got married. You might find the answer to why sex has declined in her response to that.

Are you a good lover? Was she satisfied when you had sex while dating (meaning did she orgasm regularly?). Be honest with yourself. While it could be a physical problem for her or her strict upbringing, is it possible that the sex you had was unsatisfactory for her? A girl can only take so much of that before she gives up on it altogether.


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

I would say the sex is a little less than ok. Its exactly the same everytime. Not due to me, but what I am allowed to do. I cant answer weither it was good for her. She has an orgasm. But for a person whos not interested, how can it be good. I think she sees it as a chore.
I have spoken to her before about changing her birth control, and she doesnt care. I even said one time, look, we are having sex once or twice a month, is it worth taking a pill everyday. And see what happens to her labido. I give her full body massages, and tell her how pretty she is. But as far as me being a good lover, i dont think i am even given the chance to be.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

beachenit said:


> But as far as me being a good lover, i dont think i am even given the chance to be.


I had a moment where I had that feeling - the sudden realisation that I could be just anybody scratching an itch for her, and I got so fed up I decided that the next time the bus stopped, I might just jump off. My wife can see it in my eyes when I get to the end of my rope. She decided to reel me in 

I don't go into huge detail but there is a reference to it in here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html

I guess one has to make up ones mind. It probably all happened at the right time for me. I could not have been trusted with the strength I have now if I had gotten it earlier on. God forbid, I was a bit of a tyrant.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

How often do you ask her about it? 
In my case it seems I want more sex and my husband doesn't..
(low testosterone) It seems if I hound him more 
about it the less he wants to do it.

I don't know if anything could help her be in the mood?
Juicy book, watching porn together?
As far as not liking the jack rabbit, that is my
best friend! So I don't understand that one.

Just from my experience some months if I leave the subject alone then I can happily be pleased once a week. 

oh,... and just an fyi on some of the earlier posters, 
I was raised a catholic and in a strict household, and my views on sex are pretty open.


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## beachenit (Jan 10, 2009)

First of all, we need to swap partners. Then everything will be even. 
I have aggrivated her in the past before about sex, and it didnt work. Also, I have left it alone, and said nothing, and it got worst. She has noooooooo desire for any sex. To me, shes is almost not human, or either she should persue a career in nun. She would make a great one. Anymore suggestions please. I am about done with this deal.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

beachenit-

Is there anything in here that applies in your case?

Or has she had a hysterectomy / other medical problems. The other thing which I do not go into on that page, as I have not got round to adding it yet is that women go sexually off men who are push-overs. I don't know if you fit into this category. If she always gets her own way in most decisions (outside of sex), then for certain women that is a huge turn off - eventually. They actually prefer to meet a bit of firmness and resistance when it's due, otherwise they lose all respect.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

beachenit said:


> First of all, we need to swap partners. Then everything will be even.
> I have aggrivated her in the past before about sex, and it didnt work. Also, I have left it alone, and said nothing, and it got worst. She has noooooooo desire for any sex. To me, shes is almost not human, or either she should persue a career in nun. She would make a great one. Anymore suggestions please. I am about done with this deal.


Does she know that you are about done?

My wife deals with some emotional issues, mostly related to depression. Actually, it seems closure to bi-polar because she can be very up and down. 

Basically, if she is "down", it means nothing for me. The biggest problem is her self-image. When she is in a down state and she starts thinking she is fat, ugly, etc. (even though she is HOT!), intimacy of any kind is out the window. 

While this is definitely a problem I'm still trying to work through with her, I am somewhat fortunate that in my wife, it's not a permanent low. She's not always thinking these things, so when she is "normal", she loves sex and let me tell you it's great.

Anyway, do you see any signs as far as depression or self image problems. A LOT of women (and some men too) have more problems with sex if they don't find THEMSELVES SEXY as apposed to anything to do with their partner. And if she has any type of depression or hormone problem, this becomes much more likely.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Some great discussion in here. 

I too have a wife now who doesnt "want" sex. she is a busy career lady. We have two small kids. I didnt appreciate her in the first couple years of our marriage and it caused a lot of resentment. We have had sex once in the past year. And before that? About once a year. Married 6 years. We are both good looking healthy people. (she is a knockout and could pose for playboy).

I finally got the balls to sit down and tell her enough was enough. I told her I wanted someone attracted to me. I wanted more sex in the marriage. I told her I was not interested in who's fault it was anymore. I wanted a fresh start. 

It got her attention for sure. Now she knows where we stand. I feel a lot better. She knows I am serious I will walk.

My point to these guys is communicate your needs and wants honestly. She will respect that and you will fell better.


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Hi, I am new to this forum and face my own sexual issues, but I read this entire thread and I have some thoughts that might help. First let me reiterate that a woman's upbringing has EVERYTHING to do with her attitude towards sex. Truer words cannot be spoken. Your wife's father was mentioned repeatedly, but what about her mother? Is she a clone of her mother? Was her mother a submissive person, did she have to toe the line placed by her father? Does she have sisters? What are they like? As for the hundreds, if not thousands of shadows that affect our sexual behavior, don't underestimate them either. Everything from abuse, to being caught masturbating, to a regretted drunken experience, to a bad first experience, etc, etc, etc, affect the way that we express or fail to express ourselves sexually. Next, I noted that you wrote you give your wife positive attention (massage, compliments) and so on. Do you set up situations where she can feel wonderful physically, but she is not required or even asked to perform sexually? My husband often lies back while I stroke and caress him though he will want a bj afterwards. As a woman (and a woman with a strong sex drive), I would be very happy with more foreplay, more stroking, more cuddling, more talking in bed, more kissing, etc. For a woman, sex does not have to be penetration to be wonderful. For a woman sex works best when you are CONNECTED, physically, emotionally connected. I would really love someone to tell me what a man needs for sex to work best. I often refer to the City Slickers movie and quote "a woman needs a reason to have sex, a man just needs a place". I know that is not true, certainly not for my husband, but it begs the question, what does a woman need, what does a man need? I have insight into my gender, but wow, I don't know the male perspective.


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