# she left me while deployed....



## d2003 (Aug 18, 2009)

So all of this in a nutshell...

backround info:
My wife and I have been married for 2 years and 10 months. We have a 1yr 8 mo old girl together that we adopted(daughter is my second cousin). My wife is disabled with Fibromayalgia and adhesion related disorder. 

This past July she decided that she wants to seperate while I am still in Iraq. She moved about 2 hours away closer to her family. I wasnt the best husband as I wasnt very supportive of her disablities and verbally wasnt very nice to her. I have already started setting up counseling for myself to start right when I get back from this deployment (which is sometime next week). She wants this to work but tells me that I emotionally and mentally broke her. I want to give her all the time in the world to heal but it is so hard on me because I have already been away for over 6.5 months from her and my daughter. Another thing is she said that she wont leave my daughter alone with me right away until she gets to know me again...is this right or wrong? I need some help with things that I can do once I get back to prove to my wife that I am here for her and my daughter and am going to change. I wasnt always like this. One of the things that bothers me is that my daughter is an actual blood relative of mine and I feel like she is taking her away from me. I just fear that if she ends up not wanting this to work that she will take her away from me. I have faith in our relationship that it will work and am working very hard on myself to make the necessary changes. Any comments to help me out please....

Matt


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

First, let me thank you for serving your country.

To change means one or both of two things, doing things you have never done before or stopping things you used to do. You cannot stay the same and have things change. This takes much personal effort. To win your woman back and prove to her you are still the man she wants to be with you have to find out what is going on in her life. Dont assume you know, or go into it with some idea of how things should be, Find out how it really is first. Talk to her about what fills her day, how she gets things done, which parts are hard and which parts are fun. Don't try to solve her life for her, just listen and make a conversation of it. Say things and ask questions to keep her talking, not to give her a solution and shut her up. Communicating is the most important thing you can show her you are able to give her. Ask her where you can fit into her life, what she wants you to do to make her life better, give her the power. 

I've never been in the service but I think at first you should treat her like your commanding officer, after you prove you can successfully fulfill her requests and not challenge her authority she will trust and respect the effort you put into your relationship and be more comfortable listening to your suggestions. I am not saying obey her and let her rule your life forever, just be willing to be flexible in this transition back into her life. Let her lead the way until she has confidence in you then I am sure she will want you to lead and help lay the foundation for your future together. Never stop communicating and honoring her wishes and I am sure you will have a happy life together.


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## d2003 (Aug 18, 2009)

Thank you so much for the input. I guess what happen to me was about 6 months after getting married I changed.... now I need to change back to how I was. I was depressed from all the surgeries my wife was having and didnt go get help. From that I started drinking a little. I plan on staying away from alcohol when I get back and also changing back to how I use to be. I have already been When I get back I will take your input and use it. I have already had a whole differrent attitude to everything. In the beginning I was mad and confused and now I just want to get the help so that I can get our lives back on track to go forward.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Being in a relationship changes us, in ways we dont anticipate. It happens to everyone, and noone can control it until they recognize it. Noone is the same after they meet the person they marry as they were before. It is up to each of us to grab hold of our lives and not accept that this is the way it has to be, but to make out of ourselves what we want, what we can be proud of. I think back to the pure dreams I had as a kid, of being truthful, honorable, cheritable and understanding. That is what we all want, and even if we loose track of that somewhere along the way, today always gives us the chance to do it right this time.


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