# Top Tips Post Divorce



## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

I’ve been walking the separation road for a while after a 15 year marriage. Had been with exH since I was 18 years old. I’m finally feeling like all the chaos of moving and sorting out kids schedules and just adjusting to all the new-ness is slowing down. 

I am shifting my focus to me a lot more, with some more time on my hands. I am working out, doing yoga, and eating really well, limiting alcohol. Spending time with my kids when I have them. But when I don’t, I find I have time and want to do some sincere self-improvement and introspection. I’m not ready to date yet. 

So, I’m looking for suggestions for wonderful tips, books, resources, etc that helped you establish or grow genuine self-acceptance, confidence and self-awareness.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I’ve been walking the separation road for a while after a 15 year marriage. Had been with exH since I was 18 years old. I’m finally feeling like all the chaos of moving and sorting out kids schedules and just adjusting to all the new-ness is slowing down.
> 
> I am shifting my focus to me a lot more, with some more time on my hands. I am working out, doing yoga, and eating really well, limiting alcohol. Spending time with my kids when I have them. But when I don’t, I find I have time and want to do some sincere self-improvement and introspection. I’m not ready to date yet.
> 
> So, I’m looking for suggestions for wonderful tips, books, resources, etc that helped you establish or grow genuine self-acceptance, confidence and self-awareness.


I actually cannot believe that no one has answered you on this yet. 

It is actually a hard questions though. 

You know, for me, I spent time reading a lot of self help books, going out with friends, and probably too many woman... And I think you are a woman if I remember your thread... 

Besides the women part, I think that introspection, learning about yourself, and most of all, learning what you want in a partner, are really important things. 

I did a lot of that, and I think that was all good overall...

However, I will say that I partied my ass off, and had a blast. And I still am to a certain extent, actually to a great extent. 

I am way past where you are in the process, but for me, I just had and am having so much fun. 

Now, at this point, I am back in a committed relationship, so I am not doing near as much damage to the female population as I was, and I am sure they are thankful for that.

But as great as my GF, and I guess future wife if she wants to make an honest man out of me, is... I made a promise to myself early on and that was this... 

I was going to be happy. I made that choice. I was going to have fun. And that is what I am doing. 

I am a pro musician so I started playing more, but only doing things/projects that I want to do. And really not for the money, but for FUN. 

I don't know if any of that helps, but for me, with the exception of my GF, it is all about me. I support my kids when they need something, and sometimes that is just talking to them and helping them out with whatever issue that they have. So I am like a parent consultant in a way. 

I babysit my grandson, in fact Me and GF had a slumber party for her oldest two grandchildren and my grand son the other day. You cannot imagine how much fun that was...

So I guess my advice is.... HAVE FUN... whatever that means to you...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I’ve been walking the separation road for a while after a 15 year marriage. Had been with exH since I was 18 years old. I’m finally feeling like all the chaos of moving and sorting out kids schedules and just adjusting to all the new-ness is slowing down.
> 
> I am shifting my focus to me a lot more, with some more time on my hands. I am working out, doing yoga, and eating really well, limiting alcohol. Spending time with my kids when I have them. But when I don’t, I find I have time and want to do some sincere self-improvement and introspection. I’m not ready to date yet.
> 
> So, I’m looking for suggestions for wonderful tips, books, resources, etc that helped you establish or grow genuine self-acceptance, confidence and self-awareness.


Here ya go. It's awesome!


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

StillSearching said:


> pLaTesPinNeR said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve been walking the separation road for a while after a 15 year marriage. Had been with exH since I was 18 years old. I’m finally feeling like all the chaos of moving and sorting out kids schedules and just adjusting to all the new-ness is slowing down.
> ...


I just bought this book yesterday!! Looking forward to starting it! Thank you!


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> pLaTesPinNeR said:
> 
> 
> > I’ve been walking the separation road for a while after a 15 year marriage. Had been with exH since I was 18 years old. I’m finally feeling like all the chaos of moving and sorting out kids schedules and just adjusting to all the new-ness is slowing down.
> ...


Thanks BluesPower. I’m definitely a victim of letting all the things I wanted/needed to see and do matter less than my H and my kids wants and needs for the entirety of my marriage. You are correct, I am a woman. I turned 33 last week. I hope I have lots of life left to enjoy. 

I’ve spent the last several months cautiously and objectively looking back. I was so young. So naive. So giving. Too giving. I had two kids by the time I hit age 24. I sacrificed every inch of who I was to fit the mould my husband expected me to fill. I’m hoping to indulge in a lot more fun in the coming months and years, now that I’ve realized what I want for my life matters too. 

I recently ran into a friend from high school who I had seen sporadically over the years at various social gatherings. He told me “I can look at you now and actually see the old you! When you were married you were like a shell. You were gone, but now you’re back!”. That stuck with me. How sad that I let that happen to myself. 

Im so optimistic and excited to begin this new chapter learning all about who I am now, and I want all the tools I can soak up in order to do so. 

Just have Fun. I think I can do that!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Good to hear from you again, Plates.

Get 'Awareness' by Anthony DeMello. It is the ultimate book on acceptance, and can likely be bought from eBay for under $5 TYD.

Find local comedy shows. Few things heal quite like laughter.

Consider a short vacation. Maybe 3-4 days. A cruise would fit the bill nicely. Do them once a quarter or once every six months. 

Volunteer somewhere...like a homeless shelter, soup kitchen, battered shelter, or Habitat for Humanity. Few things give perspective like doing for those who have nothing.

Keep healing. You have so much life left.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> I am shifting my focus to me a lot more, with some more time on my hands. I am working out, doing yoga, and eating really well, limiting alcohol. Spending time with my kids when I have them. .


From what you've said above, I'd say you are already doing it. 

You are not broken or sick - you are free to be yourself and do what you want. 

You do not need fixing or therapy or repairs. You just need to live your life how you see fit. 

I'm assuming you have shared custody so that means 50% of the time you can be a good parent and parent how you see fit and have the relationship with your kids that you want. 

And the other 50% of the time you can basically do whatever you want as long as it is legal and doesn't hurt puppies. 

Self help books, relationship forums, therapists etc etc are fine, but the bottom line is always going to be that you are free, adult woman now and can do whatever you want.

Therapists and counselors and most of the self help books are going to teach and preach healthy coping mechanisms and try to keep you from drinking, drugs and toxic and self-harming behaviors. 

But IMHO as long as you aren't laying in a pool of self-pity and aren't drinking or drugging yourself into oblivion and aren't sitting in a corner with a broken shard of glass cutting yourself and are doing what you want to do and what you enjoy - then you doing just fine and really don't need any further treatment or repairs. You're not broken. 

I think Blues Powers testimony was as valid as any. Just do what you think is fun and enjoyable and as long as it isn't hurting yourself or others then it is fair game. 

If you want to sleep in until noon and then binge watch Netflix the rest of the day in your jammies eating tapioca pudding - go for it. If you've wanting to hike in the snow in a scenic state park - do it. If you've always wanted to learn to cook Nepalese food or cross stitch - sign up for a class. 

And yes, if you want to ask out that Swedish hunk with the fiery blue eyes that just started working in accounting or even if you wanted to gang bang the starting line up of the LA Lakers, then do that too. (just make sure to take a video of that and I'll PM you my contact info so you can forward it to me tee hee hee ;-) )

But my point in all of this is you are not sick, you are not broken or damaged and you don't need treatment or repairs. You just need to live your life and do what you enjoy and get benefit and well being from.


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

Thanks Oldshirt!! 

I think my main issue is I’d been with exH since I was 18. This sounds grossly codependent (though accurate), but I feel like I didn’t really develop my own, individual, adult personality. I feel like I’m questioning everything I thought I was, liked, felt, enjoyed. I’m looking at myself with fresh eyes. I feel this immense need to explore and discover myself. It’s almost overwhelming me with urgency. 

These great tips for introspection and self exploration Will hopefully help me. Now that I’ve processed the death of my marriage I am so excited for this new chapter, where I GET TO CHOOSE. I get to matter and experience and live. 

I had a male friend invite me on a trip for this coming fall. I really want to go because it sounds so amazing, but find myself resisting because of the optics of me traveling with another man so soon and what others will think. And about how my kids will feel about it. I didn’t have the opportunity to travel much during my marriage. This friend is fun loving, lives in the moment, enjoys a lot of the same things I do. He is divorced. I’m wrestling with this choice, but certainly have time to decide. And I need more clarity from him and what his expectations are - of the trip and me. 

But if just having fun is the only criteria, I think I’ll go.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If you want to read to understand yourself, my advice is to avoid "recipe" books(Thirteen Behaviors to Make People :ike You) and read more theoretical or academic stuff. 

I never followed up on it, but Self Actualization sounded interesting(Maslow?)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pLaTesPinNeR said:


> Thanks Oldshirt!!
> 
> I think my main issue is I’d been with exH since I was 18. This sounds grossly codependent (though accurate), but I feel like I didn’t really develop my own, individual, adult personality. I feel like I’m questioning everything I thought I was, liked, felt, enjoyed. I’m looking at myself with fresh eyes. I feel this immense need to explore and discover myself. It’s almost overwhelming me with urgency.
> 
> ...


Off topic, but Plates I just wanted to tell you how HAPPY I am to read this post! After following your thread through your journey, this seriously just makes my heart happy!


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Off topic, but Plates I just wanted to tell you how HAPPY I am to read this post! After following your thread through your journey, this seriously just makes my heart happy!


Well thank you!!! Glad to hear from you again 3X! I haven’t posted on my thread for a long time. I have a hard time going there. It’s been a long hard road. I have good days and bad days - but many more good than bad now. My kids seem to be adjusting ok, which was my biggest fear. It’s been a lot of changes. Time for me now. At least a little!


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