# Knowing when you're ready...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

It's been a year since my ex and I separated, and it's been a hell of year to say the least. I know I did the right thing to end a 24 year relationship, for me, and my kids. I'm in a much better place with my self, and my career. 

So I started dating someone back in November (met on a dating site no doubt...lol). We hit it off, and things are great, more than great, I couldn't have met a more generous and caring man. I guess I'm not all that experienced with the relationship thing, I was in a long term one since I was 18, so it's fairly new to me. My relationship with my ex was up and down for so many years, he was emotionally abusive towards the end, and I was done. I guess what bugs me is that I still have a lot of anger, and while it has improved substancially, every now and then it just kind of takes over. However, it doesn't last long now, where as before I would be angry for days, now I can get past it in a few hours max. Neither of us have forgiven the other for things that we did to each other, and if we're in a room together for too long, we get agitated with each other, and well, it's still very tense.

I really want this new relationship that I'm in, it feels so "normal", but on the other hand I feel like I want to sabatage it, to test him to see if he really cares. I just feel like the ball is about to drop, something is going to happen. Now I'm wondering if I've become emotionally unavailable, that I'm not really ready for this, that I haven't moved on from my past. And how does one know if they're ready for a serious relationship after a failed marriage anyway? yes, I can go with the flow, it's still early in the relationship, take things slow, but then I get this wave of, "I don't want this, he's too nice, he deserves better". My self esteem took a nose dive after the separation. This isn't my first "relationship" after the separation, I had a fwb thingy with a guy who wanted nothing more than that. While it wasn't the smartest move, it probably helped me become more aware of what I want and don't want.

Blahhh, is it normal that you bounce back and forth with the ready to not ready thinking? or am I just effed up? lol


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

dont sabatage anything just go with it, my XW cheated on me we D had a 6 month old kid. i remarried 2 1/2 years later. meet her online she had 2 FWB when i meet her. went to where she worked took my 3 year old at the time she hit it off with him talked to her about 45 min, when she went home that night she called both fwb told them she was done she meet the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with....in april 7 years married


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm right there with you WT. It is a big roller coaster at times but hang on in there.

Has your man been married/divorced? 

SO and I both have a full set of baggage we are carrying around and much of it did not surface until we got to the very serious stage of our relationship. We are both in IC and it is worthwhile. We have great communication and are on the same page with most issues.

Life after divorce is different to life before and from talking to other people it is not uncommon for it to be very confronting when you find yourself in a serious relationship. 

From my experience gets some IC, be open and honest with your partner and don't be hasty in making decisions about the relationship. Work together with him and be each others support.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its totally normal to bounce back and forth. Definitely resist the urge to sabotage. Let your new guy in on your baggage, and how you are feeling. That way he can be supportive. Congrats on getting a new chance!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My new guy knows all the baggage, I'm an open book. I also want to be able to communicate much better in this relationship. I didn't always do this in my marriage, and I had a tendency to "stuff" things, and then I would kind of explode. So far, there hasn't been any need to bring up anything that bothers me, and quite frankly nothing about him bothers me, he's so easy going compared to my ex, and I love that. 

Here comes the BUT, He's been separated from his wife for a year, same as me, but he has a great relationship with her, and I'm a bit insecure with this. She ended the marriage, and he's shared with me that he was devistated, and never saw it coming. Even worse, she began a new relationship right after their separation. So it's March break this week, and he's basically sharing time with his ex and their kids, doing the "family thing". This kind of stings, I never show any jealousy, I'm not like that, and I actually told him to have fun. He has no idea of how I feel about it, and I don't always have the feeling anyway. So, my guy tells me the other day that his ex is ending her relationship with her guy, and boom, that's when I started feeling like that bomb is going to drop, and while it was there right from the start, and I haven't always felt comfortable in this relationship, it's really starting to affect me. It's not like I can bring this up, it would make me look clingy, jealous or whatever. We talk about our past relationships often, and I have asked him if he would get back together with his ex, and he answered "I don't think so, I don't think I could forgive her for what she did". But yet, he spends a week doing activities with her and their kids.

I don't doubt he cares about me, and he's told me he's fallen in love with me. He says other nice things that give me that warm feeling, but I keep over analazing things, and saying to myself that he's just lonely, wants to spend time with someone etc.

And then there is the lack of sexual chemistry that exists sometimes, not always, it's like he's holding back, afraid to let himself go.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I would think that you are asking for a lot, to have it all be perfect for both of you when you have been through so much this last year. Relax and enjoy what works and the rest will either come or not. I understand being caught in two ways of thinking, its happening to me too. Still in love with ex, trying to be open to spending time with someone nice, who likes me, but I don't think its fair, since I am not available 100%. And I don't think its a surprise that he is holding back a bit, making your self vulnerable again is pretty scary. Try hand holding, hugging, back rubs, etc and stay out of the sex part for a bit


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WT a couple of things stand out in your post, no expert here but just wanting to discuss this.

Ex and I co parent well together, we have coffee regularly, do things as a family with the kids. My partner has met the ex, I have not met his ex and probably won't for years.
So the doing things together doesn't raise any red flags but that is how I live my life and I know I have no intention of going back to my ex. 

BUT if asked whether I would go back to him the answer would be an immediate "no not ever, I do not love him". 
TBH an answer of "I don't think so, I don't think I could forgive her ......" would concern me.
Not that he would go back to her but that he is not ready to be in a serious relationship yet. Doesn't mean he won't be ready in the future but right this minute he still has a way to go to have his past marriage truly behind him.

The other thing is the sometimes lack of sexual chemistry. You really need to get your head around this one. If it is because he is not over his marriage then again tread very slowly. If it is because the two of you genuinely don't have a killer chemistry between you then maybe this is not going to be forever but just enjoy what it is for now.

All very negative, I am sorry for that. I will say however SO and I tread very lightly at the start, both being from such LTR, neither looking for a serious relationship. It did however become apparent very quickly that we had found something special. The baggage is there but we deal with it all in a very proactive and positive way. Each issue that comes up seems to strengthen us.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Holland said:


> WT a couple of things stand out in your post, no expert here but just wanting to discuss this.
> 
> Ex and I co parent well together, we have coffee regularly, do things as a family with the kids. My partner has met the ex, I have not met his ex and probably won't for years.
> So the doing things together doesn't raise any red flags but that is how I live my life and I know I have no intention of going back to my ex.
> ...


You're right, it may not be forever, and I guess I just need to enjoy what it is for now. I know I'm lacking in the trust department, and I'm looking for red flags, some that aren't even there. I agree I need to take things slow, and I think he knows that he needs to do the same. It just shocks me that ex's can get along so well when I'm still not able to do family stuff with mine because he's so darn defensive and picks my words apart. My relationship was very dysfunctional, so we may never be able to do family things together, and it's not a huge deal really, but I do envy people who can be friends after and actually get along.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

WT in regard to the amicable co parenting situation I would say that as long as he is honest with you about what is happening then it may well be just fine.
As I said ex and I do have family time, the kids know we communicate regularly especially about family related issues. We share Christmas and birthdays together. This does not mean we will ever get back together, it simply means it is what we both want to do for our children. We are still friends and unless something major happens I hope we always will be.

It takes a special kind of partner to deal with this type of situation. I am totally upfront and honest with SO about the relationship I have with the ex.
SO has a much more difficult situation with his ex but I trust him and give him room to move on this issue. He has always been open about the state of their relationship, the good and the bad.

Day by day WT


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