# Stays hard during oral but goes soft during intercourse



## dotfrag41799 (Feb 10, 2014)

I started seeing this girl and while we're making out, touching, etc, I can get a full on erection that's very firm. What seems weird is that sometimes I can't completely tell if it's hard (especially if we're in the dark and I can't see it), but after she grabs my penis, I can definitely tell it's hard. I don't know if this is because of a desensitizing issue or something but figured it would help to mention it.

Anyway, she was performing oral sex on me and it felt great and I stayed hard. After penetration though, it lasts for a little while and then goes limp. I felt the pressure of her vagina on my penis the most when I first penetrated and then after I get going, I lost some of the sensation and it goes limp after that. I do masturbate and don't use any lotion and do watch porn when I masturbate and I've read online that I should stop completely, which I will now... but I fear it's too late for this girl.

What's frustrating is that, I've gone limp when I was on top and it happened when we were both laying on our sides and I was behind her. I tried a few times and sometimes it stays harder for a little longer compared to other times but all in all, it goes soft every time. What's more frustrating is that, after it goes limp, she's able to get me hard again by making out and touching it with her hand, or by giving me oral sex, but for some reason after penetration, it doesn't stay erect very long.

I've already gone to the doctor and had my bloodwork done and all of my levels are within normal ranges so I was told it's not a form of ED and that it may be "sexual performance anxiety" but I don't know how to get past this!

Any ideas, thoughts, things I can try to get back to where I used to be years ago? If it makes any difference, I was with one girl for about ten years and then we broke up a couple of years ago and I took a break from dating for that time. I had started dating a girl back in September and this same thing happened, and then she left me. Now, it's happened again, with a different girl! I find her very attractive so I'm not sure what is going on but I really need some help/advice! :| Thanks in advance to any of you that post!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dotfrag41799 said:


> I started seeing this girl and while we're making out, touching, etc, I can get a full on erection that's very firm. What seems weird is that sometimes I can't completely tell if it's hard (especially if we're in the dark and I can't see it), but after she grabs my penis, I can definitely tell it's hard. I don't know if this is because of a desensitizing issue or something but figured it would help to mention it.
> 
> Anyway, she was performing oral sex on me and it felt great and I stayed hard. After penetration though, it lasts for a little while and then goes limp. I felt the pressure of her vagina on my penis the most when I first penetrated and then after I get going, I lost some of the sensation and it goes limp after that. I do masturbate and don't use any lotion and do watch porn when I masturbate and I've read online that I should stop completely, which I will now... but I fear it's too late for this girl.
> 
> ...


It has to be performance anxiety. Are you wearing a condom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

You mentioned you lose sensation after penetration - you seemed to think it might be tied to masturbation I.E. becoming accustomed to a tighter grip that a vagina can't replicate. 

I would try your suggestion of stopping masturbation for a bit and see if that helps.

Different situation but I had become accustomed to a strong electric vibrator and over time this did reduce my sensitivity to the point i felt little from manual stimulation. After 30 days off, though, things returned to a more normal state.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Utterly amateur psychological rubbish follows:

Together with one woman 10 years, only recently started dating again. Ex on your mind (or somewhere in the room) during intercourse?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Look up a Dan Savage Lovecast or ten that deals with this problem.

You might have just trained yourself to like too much stimulation. Stimulation that the inside of a vagina doesn't provide. Masturbating with no lubrication is a bit of a giveaway. 

You're going to have to retrain yourself. Step one is knock off the jerking off.


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## dotfrag41799 (Feb 10, 2014)

MissScarlett - I've read a bit online about stopping masturbation as other people have also said they've become accustomed to getting off that way that they can't get off during sex.

Philat - No, she's definitely not on my mind. I had dated one other girl since I broke up with my ex of 10 years and the same thing happened. I'm pretty sure it's psychological but I'm not 100% certain. I just want to find a solution :|

Cletus - I'll look up Dan Savage - thanks for the tip! You may be right about the stimulation stuff. I can get off on my own, especially if I'm watching porn, so I'll stop jerking off all together and see how that helps. 

Thank you


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Here - I can save you some time:



> Here is my question for you, Mr. Savage: My girlfriend and I are sexually active, and I can get an erection in the beginning, a fully hard erection, but a few minutes into intercourse, I start to lose my erection. Intercourse feels amazing, it's just that after a while I start to lose my erection. I can get my erection back if I allow my girlfriend to use her hand on it for a while. And then when I penetrate her again, I lose my erection again. I heard you on TV talk about how a guy shouldn't grip himself too hard when he beats off. I grab it pretty hard, I have to admit, and when my girlfriend uses her hand, I ask her to grab it really hard, too. So I am writing to ask if you think the reason I can't keep an erection during intercourse has something to do with how hard I have her use her hand and how hard I use my hand?
> 
> Having A Real Dilemma
> 
> ...


Copied from http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=14090666&mode=print


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

try a rubber **** ring or Viagra/cialis


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## dotfrag41799 (Feb 10, 2014)

Thanks Cletus ... I'm thinking more and more that's my problem. When she was playing with it, she did grab it kind of hard and that felt great. I guess I'll have to make my ****, and myself, suffer a bit to be happier in the long run!!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Cletus said:


> You might have just trained yourself to like too much stimulation. Stimulation that the inside of a vagina doesn't provide. Masturbating with no lubrication is a bit of a giveaway.


Yep. Especially if you're cut. You've built up callouses where you should have sensitive skin.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Not sure if you wear a rubber, but rubbers can mess me up I feel nothing.......it's almost not even worth having sex imo.


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

go with a really thin rubber. In fact, try no rubber and have HER provide the protection...there are plenty of options nowadays. 

But a vacuum erection device can get it hard, and a rubber ring slipped around the base will keep most men hard for the duration. Pills or trimix shots are available that would make a dead man hard, if you need them!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Not sure if you wear a rubber, but rubbers can mess me up I feel nothing.......it's almost not even worth having sex imo.


I feel nothing either. It's worse than a hand.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Almost definitely overmasturbation.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Almost definitely overmasturbation.


Hardly "Almost definately". 

There is a word for men that have never had any issues and that word is "inexperienced". 

It is performance anxiety. Were it pure stimulation, it is unlikely that a mouth could provide more than a vagina. Also, if you are going soft rather than not getting full stimulation, it would seem to be psychological. Presumably this bothers you and that is enough.

There is advice on how to chill out. Do that, as it is a good thing even if not the cause.

Good luck!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Maybe a mix of too much/too hard masturbation and performance anxiety. I suppose some women simply do not have strong muscles and so there is very little friction. 

I think ED pills work well for mild performance anxiety.

Definitely start with avoiding porn and masturbation for at least a month.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

The visual of oral is stimulating beyond the visuals of intercourse for you. Truthfully, nearly every person on earth (exclude -- test tube or some sort of fertalization method) exists because two people had sex. Sex is taboo and special, but it can also easily get boring. Everyone has sex.

Everyone doesn't get amazing blow jobs. In fact, a lot of men do not get oral at all from their wives. In high school, girls would say, "Eww gross, I would never suck on his thing!!!" Yet, they would play with dolls and basically know one day they would be married and have kids. Sex.

Maybe that is why you are more turned on by it?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think he should stop masturbating and believe that will overcome his issues. Then we don't have to debate masturbation induced issues and can just let him think it is about performance anxiety.

OP, please take my advice. It is the shortest path toward resolving your issue. PM me if you want to discuss it further.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Has your GF tried any kegel exercises? If so have her practice,and then next time you penetrate to start the kegels. That should get you hard again.


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Why not try no full sex for a while & no masturbating. Stick to oral sex & your G.F. giving you hand relief. Take the pressure off "staying hard for the duration" for a while, if it is performance anxiety this may help.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Dh and I have had this same issue...What can we do as a married couple to get him harder during intercourse...I absolutely love sucking on him to get him aroused and then also to finish him off sometimes..The down side is that PIV is sometimes not as exciting for us for that very reason......he isn't always very hard...and doesn't come sometimes unless I blow him.

Guys..how do I as a loving wife..giving BJ's deal with a balance? Do I stop giving him oral...I wouldn't like that and he wouldn't either.....do we just go cold turkey for like a month...IDK?

I welcome all responses.....thanks


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## ProdigyUK (Feb 26, 2014)

over20 said:


> Dh and I have had this same issue...What can we do as a married couple to get him harder during intercourse...I absolutely love sucking on him to get him aroused and then also to finish him off sometimes..The down side is that PIV is sometimes not as exciting for us for that very reason......he isn't always very hard...and doesn't come sometimes unless I blow him.
> 
> Guys..how do I as a loving wife..giving BJ's deal with a balance? Do I stop giving him oral...I wouldn't like that and he wouldn't either.....do we just go cold turkey for like a month...IDK?
> 
> I welcome all responses.....thanks


Hi,
I had the same problem as your husband for years. Basically I'd lose my erection either right before I put it in or during PIV. For me it was anxiety based on having a small penis - I didn't think PIV sex would be good for her. Of course the more I lost erection the more I'd worry about it so more it happened. 
Do you think it could be some sort of anxiety issue with your husband?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Coldie said:


> Everyone has sex.
> 
> No they don't


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ProdigyUK said:


> Hi,
> I had the same problem as your husband for years. Basically I'd lose my erection either right before I put it in or during PIV. For me it was anxiety based on having a small penis - I didn't think PIV sex would be good for her. Of course the more I lost erection the more I'd worry about it so more it happened.
> Do you think it could be some sort of anxiety issue with your husband?


Thank you, today when we had PIV he didn't cum. It wasn't until he rolled over and I sucked him off. Maybe he prefers the stronger grip?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Does he masturbate? Does he watch porn? He needs to stop both if he does.

If he does not, how is his physical health? Intercourse is a lot more strenuous and if his cardiovascular health is poor and/or he is overweight, he will not have the best erection.

If those things dont apply, we can discuss other possibilities.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

He does masturbate once in a while..his porn use is on the slim side...we have sex about 4 times a week. He is overwieght (30 pds.) not bad. BP is fine, sugar is fine....he does work about 65 hrs a week.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

over20 said:


> Thank you, today when we had PIV he didn't cum. It wasn't until he rolled over and I sucked him off. Maybe he prefers the stronger grip?


Some suggestions but you may already do them. First, Cialis. It works. It doesn't help him get hard, but it does help keep his unit hard even if he isn't as turned on. I've had some issues with losing interest or thinking about other things during sex. It only takes 1 thought off the person for my penis to react. This is why sex is so special, it's an absolute focus for me.

However, on Cialis, you can think about math problems and still stay erect for a bit longer. It also lasts for 4 to 5 days. It feels almost like a jump start.

Second, try talking dirty during sex. Not just a few words or moaning. Try talking totally dirty. Instead of rolling him over and sucking him off, even while he is totally erect. Tell him you want to taste yourself on him, and have him put it back in you and use your saliva as lube. Sorry a bit detailed, but the point is, don't wait until he is already soft to roll him over and do oral. Stop the action, excite him, talk dirty, move with him the entire time. It's hard work moving back and forth, so show him you are into it and move with him. After about 5 minutes, you will understand moving isn't the most easiest thing in the world, especially when you have to stay focused.

Try different positions. I'm sure you already do this, but who knows. Enthusiasm and being vocal is the difference between sex, and good sex.

If you've done all of the above then I have nothing else. Sometimes for me dirty talk is just hearing how my wife feels like she is connected with me, like we're one person. I'm super weird and romantic talk is just as good as dirty talk during intercourse. Find his kink.

Good luck.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Some suggestions but you may already do them. First, Cialis. It works. It doesn't help him get hard, but it does help keep his unit hard even if he isn't as turned on. I've had some issues with losing interest or thinking about other things during sex. It only takes 1 thought off the person for my penis to react. This is why sex is so special, it's an absolute focus for me.
> 
> However, on Cialis, you can think about math problems and still stay erect for a bit longer. It also lasts for 4 to 5 days. It feels almost like a jump start.
> 
> ...



Thank you...I do moan and talk nasty...we have mirrors and I use costumes CFM heels...I would rate our sex life a 9/10. I just wish he would always Cum on me/face/breasts....I feel bad if he doesn't cum every time we do PIV..


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## ProdigyUK (Feb 26, 2014)

over20 said:


> Thank you, today when we had PIV he didn't cum. It wasn't until he rolled over and I sucked him off. Maybe he prefers the stronger grip?


Do you mean you told him to stop before he came or he went soft? Could be he prefers the feeling of oral - maybe good idea to cut back on oral and get him more used to the feeling of PIV?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

30 lbs overweight is huge. It might not affect your attraction for him, I'm the same way about weight - it doesn't bother me nearly the way it should - but 30 lbs overweight is obese. It is extremely unhealthy.

You can reduce the number of times you have sex/week, get used to him not cumming sometimes, go for drugs which will impact his BP, stop porn/masturbation and help him get physically healthy. I doubt he'll stop working 65 hours/week.

The easiest thing would be to reduce the amount of sex. The most impact will be from him losing weight and working on his cardiovascular health -- aerobic exercise. Elliptical.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Ok...thank you.....


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

over20 said:


> ....I feel bad if he doesn't cum every time we do PIV..


I have problems occasionally late at night is an issue. Also standing up at the side of the bed is much better than other positions. I have diabetes and Viagra makes a big difference. 

I think that standing beside the bed with the woman laying down works very well. As I have gotten older and even with Viagra my erection does not stay 100% through the 30 or so minutes we usually spend having foreplay and sex. Guys like the visual and so standing allows them to see it and it also gives them very good control of the movement and does not require them to be balanced.

I did not finish last time we had sex for sure because I had been a little too busy during the week and my wife just gets tired if I take too long.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thank you! We have done that position before but not in a long time.I rest my legs on his shoulders, he does love the visual too. 

It doesn't bother him if he doesn't finish, he is a very considerate lover and wants me to O first. Over the years I have found I ENJOY his orgasms.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

over20 said:


> Thank you! We have done that position before but not in a long time.I rest my legs on his shoulders, he does love the visual too.


What guy wouldn't!? :smthumbup:


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Well I mean missionary presents a good visual too, at least looking at swinging cans...he has folded me in half though.....haven't done that one i a while either.....:scratchhead:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you feel bad about yourself if he doesn't O?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

over20 said:


> Well I mean missionary presents a good visual too, at least looking at swinging cans...he has folded me in half though.....haven't done that one i a while either.....:scratchhead:


Have you ever tried the coitial alignment technique?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

What's that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

You start out in the normal missionary position but with your spouse resting his full weight on you, not on his elbows. Then he moves about two inches forward so that his pelvis is over yours. With your legs around his thighs, you press up as he moves backward so that you feel gentle but direct stimulation on your clit. No thrusting on his part.

My wife and I love it.

It should keep the guy aroused


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Sounds hot! Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

over20 said:


> Sounds hot! Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread.


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