# Reconciling and dealing with a lack of motivation, etc



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

WS and I are reconciling and about a year out from dday. Things are going relatively well considering what we've been dealing with for the past year or so. For the past several weeks I've been in this funk and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm sure it's related to depression which I've struggled with as long as I can remember. I've been on meds for many years to deal with that. Prior to WS's affair, I was dealing with my dad's unexpected death and some family fallout related to the estate (I was the sole heir and it caused a lot of turmoil amongst his siblings), about six months later our son was deployed to Afghanistan, and about 4-5 months after that was dday. So there have been some major issues in addition to the affair.

I'm on AD's and in IC and don't feel depressed the way I normally would. Normally it feels like not wanting to get out of bed, crying jags, etc. Currently I don't feel overly sad very often and I don't feel numb either. Mostly just feel like I'm going through the motions of life; get up, go to work, clean the house, work out - wash, rinse, repeat. It sounds like I feel numb but I don't, not really. I have a lot of hobbies and interests but it mostly feels like it would take too much effort and energy to engage in them. I also feel like I spend too much time thinking about the xOW who has clearly moved on from the whole situation.

I am clearly not making the most of my life by either only going through the motions of life or spending any time and headspace on the xOW. My therapist says it will take time. On one hand I understand that but on the other I'm sick of not having a life.

I tell myself the xOW would laugh her a** off if she had any idea how much mental energy I wasted on her, and that thought does make me cringe. WS and I have talked about it and he is open and does try to help but really, I gotta say this obsessing problem is on me. I've always had an obsessive streak and prior to this I obsessed about my son being deployed and prior to that it was my dad's death, and then whatever else before that. It's just a mental loop of whatever issue it is that plays in my head.

I don't know how to stop obsessing about the xOW and truly enjoy living my life. I've even tried telling myself I could die tomorrow and would have spent my last days thinking about someone who could care less about whether or not my WS and I even existed.

I know I need to keep busy and the "angel" on my shoulder reminds me of that. However, the "devil" on the other shoulder seems to demotivate me at the same time. I know what I need to do but the effort to make myself do it seems like way too much right now.

Has anyone dealt with this or similar and if so, when and how does it get better? Any tips I could use to push myself beyond this? The therapist hasn't helped much with this so far.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Physical activity helps me. I work a desk job and come home to a house with 3 teens. So, I have to set aside time to do something physical. I notice that I obssess and feel better the weeks that I get a couple of long rides in on my bike, hit the gym or do some heavy lifting in the garden / yard.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

This is why I always like the BS to separate and divorce first, before trying to R. You need the time and space to think things through. It gives you much needed perspective. To build a new relationship you had to let go the old one, the old one was dead anyways.

You cannot jump steps here.

I wish you the best. Did you start MC and IC?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Given the time frame I would say the obsessing is normal. My wife and I are 6 years post D-Day and POSOM still gets in my head once in a while. But not nearly as much as he did years ago. I would say that the obsessing about him began to fade as my trust in my wife increased. Letting go of the EA and rebonding with my wife had a lot to do with the healing process. Forgiveness was key to it all. I understand where you are, it's not numb but it's not life either. With time it fades into the shadows and becomes manageable.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm not trying to over simplify a solution, but you need to stay active and keep busy.

Go out with friends.

Work on or cultivate a hobby. Especially one that will get you outside.

Exercise at the gym. Do some cardio or go for a walk with your WW.

Take an educational course at a local college.

Spend at least 30 minutes a day, having undisturbed, intimate conversations with your WW. You don't have to talk about the A.

Have pets? Take them to the park or for a walk.

Try to have some fun, even if at first you have to push yourself.
Don't let this attempt at R define who you are or how you act.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

life101 said:


> This is why I always like the BS to separate and divorce first, before trying to R. You need the time and space to think things through. It gives you much needed perspective. To build a new relationship you had to let go the old one, the old one was dead anyways.
> 
> You cannot jump steps here.
> 
> I wish you the best. Did you start MC and IC?


We are both in IC and discussing starting MC soon. Neither one of us want to separate and/or divorce. Thanks.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Physical activity helps me. I work a desk job and come home to a house with 3 teens. So, I have to set aside time to do something physical. I notice that I obssess and feel better the weeks that I get a couple of long rides in on my bike, hit the gym or do some heavy lifting in the garden / yard.


I always feel better in general after working out, etc. Sometimes the over thinking decreases after a good workout, sometimes it doesn't. I also work a desk job 9+ hours a day.

Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Given the time frame I would say the obsessing is normal. My wife and I are 6 years post D-Day and POSOM still gets in my head once in a while. But not nearly as much as he did years ago. I would say that the obsessing about him began to fade as my trust in my wife increased. Letting go of the EA and rebonding with my wife had a lot to do with the healing process. Forgiveness was key to it all. I understand where you are, it's not numb but it's not life either. With time it fades into the shadows and becomes manageable.


My trust in my husband has increased somewhat....has only been a year since dday so no huge improvements in that area. But I do see what you mean. Forgiving is a whole other matter and the progression towards that has not been a straight path by any means.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I'm not trying to over simplify a solution, but you need to stay active and keep busy.
> 
> Go out with friends.
> 
> ...


All good suggestions, thank you. 

Regarding the bolded, at this point I have little need or interest in talking about the affair with my husband or even my therapist. I know as much about it as I need or want to know. So WS and I don't talk about it much unless I really trigger. 

I think I will have to push myself to get motivated, it's like I need a kick in the a** or something. Ugh, frustrating.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

A couple of suggestions come to mind, based on some things I've come across about happiness, depression, and obsessing.

As to enjoying your life more, I know that gratitude has been found to make a profound difference, and a study found that actually writing down things you're grateful for at the end of each day - specifically, brief notes about 3 things that went well that day and why, each night before bed - has lasting effects that are measurable and significant. Sounds simple, but research shows that this really works. 

Another idea is to schedule time to obsess. Yes, that's right, plan time for it. Every day. If you set aside a full half hour (preferably not just before bed - you're supposed to be feeling GRATEFUL then!), you can tell yourself at other times during the day when she comes into your head "I don't have to think about her now, but I will have a whole half hour tomorrow at such and such a time." But keep your promise to yourself. Then when the time comes, sit down and have at it. Allow yourself to obsess about her all you need to. 

When you try to fight the thoughts too much it becomes a bigger fight than it needs to be - this way, you stop fighting with yourself. You know you will have plenty of time - in fact, you may find you can't go a whole half hour. But do set aside that much time, so you're honest with yourself about how much obsessing time you're going to give yourself.

I've heard this concept compared to a scary monster that's chasing you. You think it's enormous as long as it's behind you and you keep running away from it. But when you turn around to face it, it may turn out to be something as menacing as Marvin the Martian (if you're old enough to know him from the Bugs Bunny cartoons). It IS big, in your mind, as long as you keep running from it. But turn to face it, and it's not as big a problem as you thought it was. It may have some power, but not THAT much. Facing it takes a lot of that power away. You might need to let some housework slide - something will have to give if you set aside a half hour for "obsessing time." But it might be worth a try, if you want thoughts of her to be less of an intrusion on the rest of your day. YOU will control when you think about her, by getting it all out of your system in that half hour period, which is better than dribs and drabs throughout your day.

Just a couple of suggestions that I've heard have worked for others. Tossing them out in case they might be of interest to you. Take care, and best of luck.


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## ritatud (Aug 2, 2013)

It gives you much needed perspective.


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