# Infidelity, no kids, divorce?



## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

My husband and I are at a loss of what to do. We both love each other. We've been seeing a therapist. 
Here are the facts: He does not want to have kids, I do. He has two teenage kids. I'm 32, he is 46. We have been married for 6 years (almost). The first year of marriage, I cheated on my husband after he was away on business. Yes, he found out. We got lots of counseling after that. My counselor seemed to think my sexual abuse in past had a lot to do with my infidelity. 
I'm not sure how and if we should go through divorce. Can you love someone and still give up a dream of a family? 
I know this sounds a bit silly, but we do love each other...just don't think it's enough.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Did you not discuss this before you got married? if so, what has changed since then? My husband and I are on the opposite ends of wanting children - we already have one and he wants one more. Me, I'm done. We've discuss this issue several times each stating why we feel the way we do. He respects my decision and doesn't push me to have more kids. We've discuss other alternatives such as adoption as well. Have you told him how you really feel about the issue? Has he told you how he feels??


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

agape said:


> My counselor seemed to think my sexual abuse in past had a lot to do with my infidelity.


Boy, those counselors are good, aren't they?


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

cody5 said:


> Boy, those counselors are good, aren't they?


+1

Look, Im not trying to start a war here, and its not exactly related to your thread title, but you need to realize what causes an affair.

You made a choice to pursue your own interests instead of honoring vows or your husbands dignity. While Im glad you fixed the marriage and moved on, I dont understand how it can be a good thing to rationalize such dishonest behavior on abuse. Abuse is terrible, and I dont claim to understand what you went through, but only selfishness allows someone to hurt another person in such a way. It also bothers me that you mentioned "He found out." This suggests that you didnt tell him through conscience.

You have to take selfishness out of a relationship, even when discussing kids.


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

lbell629 said:


> Did you not discuss this before you got married? if so, what has changed since then? My husband and I are on the opposite ends of wanting children - we already have one and he wants one more. Me, I'm done. We've discuss this issue several times each stating why we feel the way we do. He respects my decision and doesn't push me to have more kids. We've discuss other alternatives such as adoption as well. Have you told him how you really feel about the issue? Has he told you how he feels??


Thanks for your friendly advice. We did talk about kids before we got married. What changed, I had an affair. I completely regret it. I do not have kids yet. He does with another women. I have told him how I really feel, and he feels bad about it. He just doesn't feel like he wants to have a kid at his age.


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> +1
> 
> Look, Im not trying to start a war here, and its not exactly related to your thread title, but you need to realize what causes an affair.
> 
> ...


Wow, I guess I don't word things the best on here. Sorry about that. First of all, I do completely regret the affair. 2nd of all, my counselor comment did sounds idoitic, get that. I'm not making an excuse for it. I just don't understand why my counselor says taht. I hate myself for my actions. I don't think I am selfish. I give my time for my husband the last 5 years since the affair. I do a lot for him. But kids are not a small issue - they are a make or break issue. Is it fair to him if I hold such pain inside and then let it out with my nagging? No, something has to give.


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

I don't mean to be ungrateful, but if you are a cheater - do people just forever hate you?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

The real issue is do you want children. If you do and he won't change his mind then you must move on. This happened to a friend of mine. He moved on. His oldest just finished his freshman year at Yale and is pitching for them, spending the summer in the Carolina's playing ball. His daughter is going to Brown next year. Not many stories go like this. But what would he have missed in life if he hadn't moved on. Seriously, if he won't change for you then it is time to go. The sooner the better.


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

I do really want kids, always have. It's just hard because I really want to be with him.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cody5 said:


> Boy, those counselors are good, aren't they?


:rofl:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think Nature will find a way. It may be in your husbands best interest to split.


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## agape (Jul 25, 2010)

LOL ok, it is funny, I guess I need to laugh about it too!:lol:


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