# Did I ruin my wife’s life?



## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

My wife has been in a mental hospital for three months. I am tortured with the possibility that I did this to her. That 18 years of marriage to me has resulted in PTSD for her and a complete shutdown of her life, of who she is. When I called 911 the morning her psychosis began, she wasn’t her anymore. It was like she was gone. Now three months later I am losing hope that she will ever come back. She is currently diagnosed with MDD and anxiety disorder but not PTSD, though I wonder if she has it.

We married young, she was 19 and I was 23. I was so in love with her but I also considered myself as a nut job. I had so much energy, probably bi-polar, and within a few years of marriage I think I made her wonder what she had done when she said “I do”. When I met her I didn’t immediately fall in love. She was beautiful but something about her seemed off. I eventually learned that she suffered from anxiety and depression and a little self-harm. But as our friendship grew I realized that I loved her and that I could be a strength to her and wanted to be her “knight in shining armor”. However my problems were just as bad in some ways. I was immature and needy. I was constantly pressuring her for sex. I threw tantrums at times of high-stress. After 4 months of marriage she was pregnant and we were both in school. She was so young and I took a lot of the household responsibilities on as well as working while in school. Especially after she became pregnant, I tried to do everything for her. At times I yelled and threw things in fits but quickly apologized and promised I wouldn’t act like that again. Well, years passed and we had more kids. She stuck with me even though she slowly became more and more miserable. I think mostly because of being stuck in the house all day with a bunch of kids and not getting the time and attention from me that she needed, but also because I think my bad habits started to annoy her. Then I got sick, I didn’t know what was going on for years but finally found out my underlying condition. For years I just shutdown and stopped doing the household stuff we became accustomed to. I stopped my usual late night talks with her to help her vent because I was exhausted. As the kids grew she took on more and more around the house, but when I shut down it became too much for us. We were barely surviving until I finally started receiving treatment. It was at that time I vowed I would be a better husband, father and person. I had built up so much anger and frustration over the years that I became selfish and focused more on me than her. I neglected her in many ways while being physically neglected myself.

After I decided to change five years ago, I really thought that I could save us. That we could be happier than ever after 13 years of marriage. But that’s when everything changed. She suddenly started to suffer from extreme anxiety and bad thoughts. She became extremely fearful and acted as if her life was coming to an end. I tried so hard to make life easier for her, to listen and give her the love that she always needed. But it just kept getting worse. She had outpatient psychiatric sessions. She started medication for depression and anxiety. For a short time I thought she would get better. But, I occasionally still lost my temper. She once said she can’t handle me anymore if I did anything like that. Finally, one night after I confronted her while she was under a sort of anxiety attack after refusing her meds for a few days, she blurted out that she didn’t love me anymore and that something happened but she just couldn’t tell me.

Eventually I suggested she take a break from the family so she went to stay with her family. After 4 months I started to panic, thinking she would never come back. I went to visit her and felt that we still had a strong love for eachother, but due to her anxiety she decided to stay longer. After another 4 months I convinced her to come home because she needed medical help. Being out of state meant she had no insurance and she wasn’t getting much better. After a few months her depression came to a head. She could not get out of bed for sometimes days. I found a recovery center for her. After a few days there she had a break down and ended up in a hospital. She started to experience psychosis. After months she got better and came home. One year after that she relapsed. I called the paramedics and now, three months later she sits in a hospital, at first almost completely catatonic. She didn’t eat for weeks and got a feeding tube installed. She is slowly getting better and I’m able to talk to her a few times a week and visit her a few times a month.

I’m so confused and unsure of our future. I am tortured with the thought that I caused all this. 18 years of my explosive nature maybe got to her and she just can’t handle it anymore. Even though I’ve always loved her with all my heart and tried to treat her with utmost respect, I fear I’m guilty of neglecting her, and causing her mental health to get worse because of my lack of consistency. I’m a chaotic person at times and tend to drive calm people crazy. Did I ruin my wife’s life?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Wow...thats a lot to unpack...violent outbursts definitely contribute to PTSD. 
Hopefully your wife will get better. It sounds like she is afraid of you ....Did your wife have an affair ? What was it she couldn't tell you ?


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

I have no idea what happened but she has hinted at something a few times. I don’t think she would ever have an affair either because she is very loyal. Yes, I was pretty wild at times but I never laid a finger on her. I don’t think she is afraid of me, but was probably sick of me at the least…


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Confuciun said:


> I have no idea what happened but she has hinted at something a few times. I don’t think she would ever have an affair either because she is very loyal. Yes, I was pretty wild at times but I never laid a finger on her. I don’t think she is afraid of me, but was probably sick of me at the least…


You don’t have to have to physically harm some one to abuse them. Mental abuse is still abuse.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Confuciun said:


> My wife has been in a mental hospital for three months. I am tortured with the possibility that I did this to her. That 18 years of marriage to me has resulted in PTSD for her and a complete shutdown of her life, of who she is. When I called 911 the morning her psychosis began, she wasn’t her anymore. It was like she was gone. Now three months later I am losing hope that she will ever come back.
> 
> We married young, she was 19 and I was 23. I was so in love with her but I also considered myself as a nut job. I had so much energy, probably bi-polar, and within a few years of marriage I think I made her wonder what she had done when she said “I do”. When I met her I didn’t immediately fall in love. She was beautiful but something about her seemed off. I eventually learned that she suffered from anxiety and depression and a little self-harm. But as our friendship grew I realized that I loved her and that I could be a strength to her and wanted to be her “knight in shining armor”. However my problems were just as bad in some ways. I was immature and needy. I was constantly pressuring her for sex. I threw tantrums at times of high-stress. After 4 months of marriage she was pregnant and we were both in school. She was so young and I took a lot of the household responsibilities on as well as working while in school. Especially after she became pregnant, I tried to do everything for her. At times I yelled and threw things in fits but quickly apologized and promised I wouldn’t act like that again. Well, years passed and we had more kids. She stuck with me even though she slowly became more and more miserable. I think mostly because of being stuck in the house all day with a bunch of kids and not getting the time and attention from me that she needed, but also because I think my bad habits started to annoy her. Then I got sick, I didn’t know what was going on for years but finally found out my underlying condition. For years I just shutdown and stopped doing the household stuff we became accustomed too.As the kids grew she took on more and more around the house, but when I shut down it became too much for us. We were barely surviving until I finally started receiving treatment. It was at that time I vowed I would be a better husband, father and person. I had built up so much anger and frustration over the years that I became selfish and focused more on me than her. I neglected her in many ways while being physically neglected myself, but for a justifiable reason. Over the years I threw many tantrums - once I threw the TV across the room and it shattered in a million pieces.
> 
> ...


@Confuciun Welcome to TAM.
Maybe you did (ruin her life) maybe you didn’t. But a couple of things stand out to me.

What are you going to do now? “_I’m a chaotic person…_”. Are you going to fix that?

If your wife got out of the hospital tomorrow, would you put her right back in there with your behavior?

Rather than focusing on what might have occurred, I’d focus on fixing yourself so it doesn’t happen again. Get your own therapy started.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Confuciun said:


> I have no idea what happened but she has hinted at something a few times. I don’t think she would ever have an affair either because she is very loyal. Yes, I was pretty wild at times but I never laid a finger on her. I don’t think she is afraid of me, but was probably sick of me at the least…


There is so much in your original post, it is hard to find a place to start.

My suggestions is to work at forgiving both her and yourself for the past. You poll on who is to blame is focusing on the past. You need to forgive her and your past and focus on a postive future. Day by day focus on the future. 

You both obviously need professional individual counseling and care. Good luck.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My take is that you were young and it got too much and you didn't deal with it very well. It's life. I've been with a woman with mental issues since I was 22 and I can tell you, it does take the toll, eventually. Sometimes I blame myself too, because I shut down at one point too, like you. I became difficult to live with and angry. That was the breaking point for us. I detached, she detached.

It's difficult not to feel guilty about it. I'm sure you played your part in it, but you did the best you could. Guilt and regret will lead you nowhere. Find a good therapist to help you working through all of this. Keep loving your wife, whatever happened and whatever will happen. Although I'm not with my wife any more, I still love her and try to support her the best I can, unselfishly, because of her issues.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You may not have laid a finger on her but violent outbursts and throwing a TV across the room is implying to women that they might be next. Men's anger is scary to us.

I think you should focus on yourself and dealing with your own demons and don't focus so much on whether your wife is coming back. It's clear that what you had isn't working. 18 years of violent outbursts and chaos could make anyone crazy, let alone someone who's already got mental issues.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The timing sounds about right, it looks like you settled down and she finally had a breakdown once you seemed like you had switched off. Glad you got treatment. Fairly common in long-term highly stressful situations that are prolonged.

I’d say your shutting down and neglect were probably worse than the outbursts, most sufferers of PTSD will comment that they’d often prefer to be physically hit.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I was mentally abused by my STBX. I didn’t realize it until we broke up and I started going to a counselor. My point in mentioning that is it screwed with my mind so bad. I got depressed and was extremely stressed. So yes, outbursts and mental abuse can be very damaging.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Where will she live when she is released from the hospital? If it's back with you, and you have been abusive throughout the marriage, this isn't going to be helpful to her recovery.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> You may not have laid a finger on her but violent outbursts and throwing a TV across the room is implying to women that they might be next. Men's anger is scary to us.


Correct. Maybe he didn't throw a TV, but being angry and throwing things create a sense of being unsafe in the relationship, which can cause great harm.


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## Lynnevicious (Apr 25, 2021)

While I’m sure you blame yourself, clearly she is mentally ill. Mental illness can be compounded with more trauma, sure. But since you say she suffered from depression, anxiety and self harm, she unfortunately is a victim of her illness and you didn’t cause that. 

Does she have a diagnosis? She’s had a psychotic break. There was a lead up to that. Post partum depression, bipolar…?


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You don’t have to have to physically harm some one to abuse them. Mental abuse is still abuse.


I love her with all my heart and I hope I did not mentally abuse her. I never insulted her or belittled her and always treated her with respect. But perhaps I made her feel less somehow or neglected her. For years I have tried to remedy my mistakes but nothing has helped. It’s like she got on a one way track 5 years ago and there is no turning back. She hasn’t been diagnosed with PTSD either, just major depressive disorder.


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

Lynnevicious said:


> While I’m sure you blame yourself, clearly she is mentally ill. Mental illness can be compounded with more trauma, sure. But since you say she suffered from depression, anxiety and self harm, she unfortunately is a victim of her illness and you didn’t cause that.
> 
> Does she have a diagnosis? She’s had a psychotic break. There was a lead up to that. Post partum depression, bipolar…?


Yes she has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

I don't think the OP ruined his wife's life; sounds like she has underlying mental issues, that would've resulted in her struggling as she has anyway.

But his behavior certainly didn't help things.

Agree both need professional help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Correct. Maybe he didn't throw a TV, but being angry and throwing things create a sense of being unsafe in the relationship, which can cause great harm.


But he did throw a TV. Says he threw one across the room and smashed it.


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Where will she live when she is released from the hospital? If it's back with you, and you have been abusive throughout the marriage, this isn't going to be helpful to her recovery.


She keeps coming back home. But I feel like for the past five years I’ve been able to completely remove any outbursts. Getting older has helped but I’d like to think that I’ve completely changed since my youth. When she was home for a year things were so good until she started to relapse.


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> But he did throw a TV. Says he threw one across the room and smashed it.


Well I did remove that bit because I made it sound worse then it was. She wasn’t in the room and I was by myself but she saw the aftermath. I feel like most of my tantrums were self directed.


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> You may not have laid a finger on her but violent outbursts and throwing a TV across the room is implying to women that they might be next. Men's anger is scary to us.
> 
> I think you should focus on yourself and dealing with your own demons and don't focus so much on whether your wife is coming back. It's clear that what you had isn't working. 18 years of violent outbursts and chaos could make anyone crazy, let alone someone who's already got mental issues.


I agree with your advice to work on myself. I would do anything to just find happiness with her. And I think you are right that I could have driven her crazy. I have tried so hard to change and to help her heal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> But he did throw a TV. Says he threw one across the room and smashed it.


I can see now that he removed that bit...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lynnevicious said:


> While I’m sure you blame yourself, clearly she is mentally ill. Mental illness can be compounded with more trauma, sure. But since you say she suffered from depression, anxiety and self harm, she unfortunately is a victim of her illness and you didn’t cause that.


This... ^^^ I think you made the situation worse and she probably detached from you because she didn't feel safe, but I don't think the end result would have been different. Because of her mental illness.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I can see now that he removed that bit...


I quoted his original post. So the full story is still on display. OPs that change bug me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I quoted his original post. So the full story is still on display. OPs that change bug me.


Thanks... I had no reason to read the text quoted in your reply, because... why would I?  And it doesn't show all of it when you quote a long post... you have to click to expand it...


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> My take is that you were young and it got too much and you didn't deal with it very well. It's life. I've been with a woman with mental issues since I was 22 and I can tell you, it does take the toll, eventually. Sometimes I blame myself too, because I shut down at one point too, like you. I became difficult to live with and angry. That was the breaking point for us. I detached, she detached.
> 
> It's difficult not to feel guilty about it. I'm sure you played your part in it, but you did the best you could. Guilt and regret will lead you nowhere. Find a good therapist to help you working through all of this. Keep loving your wife, whatever happened and whatever will happen. Although I'm not with my wife any more, I still love her and try to support her the best I can, unselfishly, because of her issues.


I really appreciate your advice and experience. Thank you for sharing that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Thanks... I had no reason to read the text quoted in your reply, because... why would I?  And it doesn't show all of it when you quote a long post... you have to click to expand it...


Exactly, that's why I thought to mention it. So anyone reading the thread would realize OP had changed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Confuciun said:


> I love her with all my heart and I hope I did not mentally abuse her. I never insulted her or belittled her and always treated her with respect. But perhaps I made her feel less somehow or neglected her. For years I have tried to remedy my mistakes but nothing has helped. It’s like she got on a one way track 5 years ago and there is no turning back. She hasn’t been diagnosed with PTSD either, just major depressive disorder.


No one is perfect but from your actions you described seem like an over the top anger disorder.
Just because you say you love her and trying to minimize your actions now doesn’t fix that.


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## Confuciun (4 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> No one is perfect but from your actions you described seem like an over the top anger disorder.
> Just because you say you love her and trying to minimize your actions now doesn’t fix that.


When I was younger, yes. I agree, don’t want to minimize anything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Confuciun said:


> Well I did remove that bit because I made it sound worse then it was. She wasn’t in the room and I was by myself but she saw the aftermath. I feel like most of my tantrums were self directed.


That may be, but it's still terribly scary to a woman. And if you're off the rails enough to throw tv's you're not going to keep that separate from her so she does see it.

Get some counseling and take up physical hobbies to release and control your anger. Frankly that kind of anger is terrible for you and your heart.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Confuciun said:


> Well I did remove that bit because I made it sound worse then it was. She wasn’t in the room and I was by myself but she saw the aftermath. I feel like most of my tantrums were self directed.


No, it sounded pretty much like what it was. Throwing a TV across the room and smashing it is an accurate description of a person with out of control anger issues who is to be feared. 

That much being said I don't think you put your wife in a mental institution as a result of your actions, she was predisposed to it already you just facilitated tihngs. It could have happened anyway, or it might have been avoided entirely if you were more supportive, patient and didn't have the anger issues. You'll probably never know.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Who is looking after the kids while all this drama is going on? Those poor kids, bloody hell.


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