# Cycled thru this subforum



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well over the past three weeks or so I seem to have migrated thru this subforum, from considering separation, to being separated, to trying to reconcile and now to this one after the divorce.
Technically we haven't dissolved our marriage. We are going to see an attorney about a dissolution on Wednesday. Basically I have just come to accept the inevitable and no longer wish to fight over any of it.
The process of dividing our assets, has allowed me to see things that I had refused to see before. Basically the only emotion she has exhibited has been anger that her exit strategy might not be as lucrative for her as she had originally thought. Other than that, everything has pretty much been a stone wall.
We don't have much to fight over. We might make $20k from selling our house. She has a 401k and a 2013 car which is pretty much paid off. I guess I could go for the throat and demand my share. I have consulted an attorney who says that if it is contested I might end up paying spousal support because my new job will pay more than her job does. I don't really care about the money. The sad part of it is that after almost 20 years there really isn't even enough to get upset about. 
If I go for the throat she has threatened that we will have NO relationship EVER. It isn't that I am still holding out hope for a reconciliation, but we do have grown children. The future has weddings, grandchildren, birthdays, holidays etc, etc, where we will inevitably come into contact with each other. I just don't care enough about the money to deal with the drama of a drawn our knock down drag out legal battle over $10k (not that there would me much left after the atty gets their share). I think, and so do many others that she is in for a rude awakening when the reality of her choices catch up to her. The extra $10k she is going to take probably won't go very far, but I will at least be able to say that her crash and burn was not my fault. That I had been more than fair and that I did the best I could.
She told me today that she doesn't love me anymore and had not for the past several years. She still insists that I need help because I am not the man she married. I can't change the way she feels. So I guess I am through trying. 
I have a new job and will be moving across state. By all measures I am coming out of this in better shape than 99% of most people. No debt, some money in the bank, a new job, a new location, new home, opportunities to make new friends, start new (good) habits, break old (bad) bad habits and become the best me that I can be.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Sometimes it is best to just let them go on their way. Detach, cut communication to only necessary items, work on your self and move forward. Easier said than done, but well worth it in the end.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree. I am just really sad that it has come to this. At least I can say that I tried. If she can say she doesn't love me after all the time, effort and sacrifice I have made over the past 25 years, I truly feel sorry for her. She needs help much more than I do. I doubt she'll find whatever it is she is looking for because I can't begin to imagine a woman who had a man who tried to please her in every way more than I did.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sounds very similar. I got the same I didn't love you anymore for several years.

Guess all those time you said "ILY" were all a lie. It's amazing at how

writing a check can make some people happy. It's green paper.

She states she will be nice to you if she gets what she wants. That

statement tells it all. You will find yourself in a much better place

once the dust has settled. How are the kids taking this? How much do they know?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> Sounds very similar. I got the same I didn't love you anymore for several years.
> 
> Guess all those time you said "ILY" were all a lie. It's amazing at how
> 
> ...


The kids are adults. They are upset and angry. My STBXW imagines they are mad at her because of something I told them. So far she seems incapable of accepting the responsibility for her actions.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you are doing the right thing. The money will be consumed by attorneys and in the end it will only result in bitterness that will make future family events very uncomfortable.

In time, as you get past this, I only hope you show up at the wedding/birth/christening/birthday celebration at some point in the future with a lovely woman (inside and out) on your arm. The best revenge is living well.

It IS sad, though - most people's core values don't change but if she felt you changed in some way, it is sort of on her that she didn't communicate her feelings before it was too late. 

I have an acquaintance who is going through the same thing sort of - they were both partiers when they met and married, but after their daughter he became more stoic, responsible, steadfast... she still likes to party it up with her college friends several times a month 17 years later. Finally they are separating. It just seems sad to me that perhaps she could tell him he's getting a tad boring and lets get a sitter (when the child was young and it wasn't too late) and he could tell her that she's a mother now and setting an example and to cool the partying a tad... I just feel if there was love there to begin with and lines of communication are kept open, that both people can grow individually and the marriage can grow, too.

You're doing great, Ynot.


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