# What makes you stay, and how is confidence regained?



## Rasclomalum (Mar 5, 2014)

Hi. 

Sorry, this post is pretty rambling and incoherent. I am venting, and I don't quite know how to bring sense into it. 

I have been lurking around on these forums for a while now, sifting through topics on sexless relationships. I suppose you could look at it as a kind of coping mechanism, for I, too, have been through the nightmare that is a sexless relationship. Now, that relationship lasted two years and ended back in 2007, but knowing how shattered it left me I can only imagine the horror people who have been trapped in sexless relationships for decades must be going through.

I met her while we're both studying at uni. She seemed a very nice person and I fell in love with her. I was 20 at the time, hadn't had a girlfriend previously and so didn't have any experience with these matters, but somehow executed my moves right and ended up together with her. From that moment on, though subtly at first, things pretty much went to ****. 

Explaining in detail everything that happened during the two years that followed would likely produce enough written content to rival the Game of Thrones saga, but suffice to say I've had things thrown at me for not calling her when I was at my grandfather's funeral, had inexplicable, murderous tantrums thrown at me for completely unknowable reasons and been generally neglected and mistreated. Did I mention I was the only virgin in our relationship, and that she liked talking about her exes, knowing full well it hurt me? 

In retrospect, I cannot understand how I let all these things happen to me. Was I really lacking so much in self respect? 

Like a dolt, I tried doing that which I now know never works - I tried being nice to her. Obviously this only makes things worse. I have since learned to value my own needs as much as anyone else's. 

I am afraid this is an unstructured, rambling piece of writing.

During the last 6 months of our relationship, she had gotten a job 250 kilometers away from me. Obviously, if we were to have any contact, I had to drive those 250 kilometers because Heaven forbid she would make the effort to travel to me (well, in all fairness that actually happened once...).

Anyway, she quit (or was sacked from, I am not sure) her job and was going to move house. To her parents, naturally, because moving together with me was somehow out of the question on account of us not being married. Her parents and I would help her move one weekend. I went there on Friday evening, and her parents would come with a trailer on Saturday morning.

I think her behaviour during this move explains all that is wrong with most refusers. The unwillingness to ever reciprocate or accomodate for anyone's needs beside their own. How's this for a list:

1) Boxes for moving - fixed by me. It was apparently impossible for her to go to the supermarket in the town where she was living to get such things herself.

2) Given the expenses I had had visiting her over the 6 months she had been living there (500 kilometers by car there and back again every time I saw her), I asked if she could cover half of my travelling expenses this once. I was helping her moving, after all. She grudgingly agreed, but not before questioning the possibility of ever moving together with a poor slob like me. Note that this was the only time during our relationship I ever asked her for money.

3) I had worked five nights in a row, and had a 250 kilometer drive to her place. 

4) She had been off work for an entire week prior to the move, and had promised to pack her things. When I got to her place on Friday evening, not a single thing had been packed.

5) She essentially expected me (and her parents) to do everything when she was moving house. Her mother had had a long history of kidney trouble, had one functional kidney that had been donated to her from _her _mother and was on the verge of receiving dialysis, yet SHE ended up being the one packing down my ex's kitchen that Saturday (having travelled 400 kilometers that very same morning). 

Having had to withstand this kind of treatment for nearly two years at that point, I just didn't see any point in arguing with her. This was how she behaved. Trying to talk sense into her was impossible. Oh, and of course, she didn't like being criticised because it disrupted her self-image as a good, compassionate Christian. 

Now, the relationship ended shortly after this and I am extremely grateful for that. Thinking about it all still leaves me confused though.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not sure what your question is, but start with reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". Don't be surprised to see your picture in the first one...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rasclomalum (Mar 5, 2014)

I'll look into those books, thank you. Honestly not sure what my questions is, beyond the need to vent and what the hell I should do to regain any confidence in ever having a functional relationship in my life. It's been seven years yet I am still scared of even initiating contact.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Sounds like a fairly unpleasant woman. 

What are you confused about? 
-there are a lot of unpleasant people in the world both male and female.

I do not see anything that you did wrong from this brief account. 

Move on and try to find someone with a more compatible personality.


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## Rasclomalum (Mar 5, 2014)

What I have gotten into my head unfortunately is the idea that the way you're being treated in a relationship has everything you to do with YOU and nothing to do with the other person. Insane, I know, but it's hard to shake once it's nestled itself into your brain.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried any form of counseling or therapy? It's not "normal" to have a relationship like that affect you so adversely 7 years later. And I'm not saying that to be hurtful, but whatever you've been doing apparently isn't working for you. So it's time to try something new. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes I agree, you sound like you are seriously lacking self-confidence and you need to work on that. 

Are you in good physical shape, good hygiene, decent job, etc.? Do you have realistic expectations of which women are attractive?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You paint an interesting picture, and you rather obviously avoid the pertinent question: when the relationship ended, who dumped whom?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I dont think you did _everything_ wrong with her. i.e. I didn't see you say you asked her to marry you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Stress manifests itself in different people different ways... Consider yourself warned and don't fall for a neurotic princess again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sometimes you can chalk it up to live and learn, especially when you're young. I put up with things when I was younger that I'd throw someone out for now. Maybe you were just young and stupid.....most of us have been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes you can chalk it up to live and learn, especially when you're young. I put up with things when I was younger that I'd throw someone out for now. Maybe you were just young and stupid.....most of us have been there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except he's still letting that bad relationship affect his current self. After 7 years, he should be able to move on. Which is why I suggested counseling, to try to help him get "unstuck" from where he is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rasclomalum said:


> What I have gotten into my head unfortunately is the idea that the way you're being treated in a relationship has everything you to do with YOU and nothing to do with the other person. Insane, I know, but it's hard to shake once it's nestled itself into your brain.


A lot of it has to do with how you allow someone to treat you, but you are not responsible for her behavior, she is. Are you going to allow her to continue to have control over your life all these years later? It is your choice.
I agree that counseling may help. Being stuck in a place where you are basically afraid you cannot find happiness due to some imagined personal defect is unhealthy.
Also, it sounds like you are living in the past. Do you constantly go over these scenarios in your head of what happened in the relationship? If you do, it would help you to catch yourself doing that and stopping, specifically rejecting those thoughts, then replacing them with something positive instead. You mind needs retraining. It’s like you are stuck in a certain thinking pattern, like a rut, and you need to get out of it. This has to be a deliberate process of you noticing when you thoughts are going down that old path and taking hold of them and throwing them out. But you have to replace them with something entire different and better. I’ve suggested to people to have a 3x5 in their pocket and pull it out when necessary to dwell on something better. It has been highly effective for people I have recommended it to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Except he's still letting that bad relationship affect his current self. After 7 years, he should be able to move on. Which is why I suggested counseling, to try to help him get "unstuck" from where he is.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah, 7 years is a long time. It's one thing to be young and stupid, but quite another to not grow out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Rasclomalum said:


> What I have gotten into my head unfortunately is the idea that the way you're being treated in a relationship has everything you to do with YOU and nothing to do with the other person. Insane, I know, but it's hard to shake once it's nestled itself into your brain.


That's basically right. There's a good book out there called Radical Forgiveness that helps you see that you meet different people in your life to help you heal. At this point I think you're just shell-shocked. You can change. Have a little faith in yourself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

leatonniu said:


> It's been seven years yet I am still scared of even initiating contact.


Well no offense lea, but that only leads me to believe that you have some major issues that you haven't divulged here. Have you done individual counseling before?


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