# caught my wife sexting don't know what to do



## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm not really sure how to proceed, where I've messed up, where she has.

Background:

We've been "happily" married for 6 years now, we have 2 kids (age 3 and 1). My wife is perfect, she's super present, the best mother I could ever ask for. My parents adore her(they live with us, which also makes this super complicated) I say happily in quotes, because we do argue, it's always been disagreements about parenting styles and that's it. Nothing to extreme. We had regular sex, 4-5 times a week. We live a great life, I'm a software developer and make plenty of money, she works for the government and makes a nice salary as well. The american dream. First world problems, amirite?

I never thought this could ever be me, but here I am, looking for advice. Yesterday, I used my wife's phone to call my brother merely because it was the closest phone to me, that's when I saw it. She texted another guy(also married): "Came beautifully hard thinking about recreating this for you" and attached was a video of a porn clip of a woman pleasuring herself. 

When I confronted her about it, she was super apologetic and has been that way since then. Nothing but remorse and regret. We have had long conversations. She says it was purely masturbatory and self destructive. That she wants me and doesn't want me to leave. She can't tell me why she did it because she doesn't know.

As a side note: her and I both served in the US Army. She was diagnosed with PTSD. (she saw more combat than I did, and I saw a fair bit) Her mother committed suicide when she was 16 and she has severe trust issues with her father. Despite all that, (and before this moment) I thought she was the strongest person I'd ever met. That I was so lucky to have her in my life.

She hasn't made any excuses, and from what I can tell, she's never actually physically cheated on me(though I feel that she may as well have considering how I feel about the emotional betrayal). She honestly hasn't had the time except to send a couple of texts here and there.

She's granted me whatever information I want, though she's always deleted message and such since we started dating since she hates clutter(she's very type a) She immediately sent a message ending it with the OM. Deleted the app they used to communicate and contact from her cell phone. She's offered to get rid of her smart phone for one that only does voice calling, I told her that wouldn't be necessary. 

After all has been said and done, I *think* she truly does love me, and that I do love her. 


I told her that she's the mother of my children, and because of that will always have a place in my heart. I told her if anything like this happened again it would 100% be divorce.(Though I said that before when we first started dating)

She started therapy about a month ago. She said she knew her mind was messed up and she hated herself after every text. But she kept doing it for validation and the hotness of being objectified. 

That text I showed early is burned in my mind, it's all I can think about.

My wife has setup marriage counseling for next week, but I don't know what to do.

She's so wonderful with respect to literally everything else, I couldn't have asked for a better partner. 

Honestly, she does about 90% of all the household things and works slightly longer hours than I do. She keeps apologizing and saying that it's not my fault at all. But honestly, I think that I definitely contributed. It's all moot to me because she crossed that barrier.

I'm weak and comforted her last night and today, we even had makeup sex. Basically I think about it, I get mad thinking about it. and she's always super somber and upset if not crying. Then eventually I comfort her. She keeps saying shes deathly afraid of me leaving her.

I do love her still and we have kids. How can I learn to trust again, what should I/we do? The stress from work kids and all that lead her to do it in the first place isn't going away. It's only going to get compounded with all the recent events. Will she do it again? I don't know what to do.


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

OM is presumably stationed in Korea btw, and the fantasy is what turned her on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's slow here on the weekends, there will be others along. You can read these and prepare yourself for what comes next. Remember to you need to take care of yourself now. Don't let your health fail... remember to eat, sleep and exercise. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Men's resources...

Best


BTW... Why are you still living with mom and dad? 

How much quality one on one time did you two spend together(not in front of a tv)?


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm not sure what you mean, living at home? We spend all weekends together and at least half days after work together.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It would appear from what you posted that your wife is contrite. If so, she may actually deeply regret her indiscretion. Again if so, then she may in fact not repeat the offense. As to your trust issue the only thing I am aware of that can rebuild trust is time and your wife's unwavering commitment to prove her trustworthiness to you. Failing that commitment, this scenario will be repeated. Really all you can do is work on bettering yourself and keep a watchful eye until you feel confident in her again.


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

Oh sorry, they live with us. My parents don't really have income anymore so we support them, and they help watch the kids. And a better answer to your question, is probably not enough. The weekends for sure, we do activities with the kids both days.


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

Thanks @NoChoice that makes me feel better for sure.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

dadwproblems said:


> I'm not sure what you mean, living at home? We spend all weekends together and at least half days after work together.





dadwproblems said:


> Oh sorry, they live with us. My parents don't really have income anymore so we support them, and they help watch the kids. And a better answer to your question, is probably not enough. The weekends for sure, we do activities with the kids both days.



Thank you for the answer.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It is sad to hear and hard to realize I'm sure; however, if you read other stories on here - at least your wife is doing everything "right" in terms of making things better for you.

Hope you get the help and support you need throughout this.

Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You have a full house. When you have that many people in a home it can be hard to put the needs of the married couple first, but those needs have to come first or the marriage will not flourish.

Basic Concepts


Is she transparent and has she answered all your questions? Can you verify NC?


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

She has, and I verified NC text. She deleted all forms of communication from phone. She's even answered questions that I made patronizing her of the event(not my proudest moment)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

dadwproblems said:


> I'm not really sure how to proceed, where I've messed up, where she has.
> 
> Background:
> 
> ...


She needs heavy IC to figure her **** out. Your u can't fix her she has to do it.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ask for a polygraph
Check that. Demand a polygraph


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What she has done is totally on her, and she needs to do all in her power to win back your trust, if that is the road you choose. You need to tell her that.

I wonder when her life is so perfect that she would choose infidelity. You say all is perfect but I get the feeling, it is perfect for you only.
She does 90% of the work and on top of that she has your parents to take care of, doesn't sound so perfect to me. I believe you may have also dropped the ball in the relationship and have not cherished her and give her the attention she needs to thrive. This does not absolve her of what she did, she chose the wrong way to go about satisfying her needs.

You both need MC to uncover what both of you need for the marriage to thrive.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Is the sancho local to you? If so, be sure that she has F'd him. Adults don't tease for long. Can you imagine sending a text like that to someone you hadn't F'd?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to get strong fast. Your wife is broken. You have no idea if you have the full story or where it would have gone if you had not caught her. What your wife has shown you is that she has some serious character issues, and unfortunately being married to people with these kinds of issues is hard. 

Get strong.

Get dr. phone and see what you can find on her phone.

All passwords and open digital access for you to all her stuff for the foreseeable future. 

I would server her papers just to let her know you are serious even if you have no intention of divorcing. Get them off the internet. Tell her you are very seriously thinking about it. 

I wish I could be more hopeful but broken people are broken. It's hard to love them.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

dadwproblems said:


> She has, and I verified NC text. She deleted all forms of communication from phone. She's even answered questions that I made patronizing her of the event(not my proudest moment)


She has shat upon the pedestal you had her on. Let that sink in.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

dadwproblems said:


> OM is presumably stationed in Korea btw, and the fantasy is what turned her on.


Retired Soldier here.

Were they ever in training, stationed, deployed, or TDY together at any time?

How do you know?

How did they meet?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Someone who can't tell you why they cheated cannot possibly tell you they will never cheat again. 

How can she prevent that which she does not understand?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

As a woman, I'm telling you that when she says she doesn't know why she did it, that is pure garbage. She knows precisely why, but to own it would cause her shame and fear that the truth would hurt you and the relationship. The fear may come from a seemingly good place, but it's selfish. By saying she "doesn't know" she's instantly off the hook in so many ways which could help you to heal, and THAT desire to heal you should and must supercede any pride and fear she has. 

You can't learn to trust her without complete transparency, because only then, when you have the full truth, can you decide whether it's in you to forgive her and make the bond strong again. The fact that you still obsess over the text tells me that you haven't reached that healing point. There's a road block there, and it's called the truth you need but are missing.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

See if you can get all of the deleted texts/etc. BACK from her phone. There are ways of doing that (folks here can help). It can help you at least verify WHAT she told you she did, or perhaps you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.... You may also want to check her emails/FB/etc...


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

dadwproblems said:


> We've been "happily" married for 6 years now, we have 2 kids (age 3 and 1).



I'm not blaming the victim, but you need to look a LITTLE deeper at why you have those quotation marks there. Otherwise, she's just going to bury her unhappiness (and and accompanying indiscretions) from you deeper. Fake the lovey dovey until she gets her exit plan ready. 

Of course, she needs to talk to you instead of handling those issues through infidelity. But I'm guessing she DID talk to you about it before, right? You know that problem she has with your behavior that you haven't made the effort to fix? Well, this may be a good time to do so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stick with TAM. We will be here for you.

We hsvebthe expertise to help you.

We never wanted that expertise but seeing as we have it, you might as well make use of it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

aine said:


> *What she has done is totally on her, and she needs to do all in her power to win back your trust*, if that is the road you choose. You need to tell her that.
> 
> I wonder when her life is so perfect that she would choose infidelity. *You say all is perfect but I get the feeling, it is perfect for you only.
> She does 90% of the work and on top of that she has your parents to take care of, doesn't sound so perfect to me. I believe you may have also dropped the ball in the relationship and have not cherished her and give her the attention she needs to thrive. This does not absolve her of what she did*, she chose the wrong way to go about satisfying her needs.
> ...


I agree with this. There is no excuse for her cheating but man, the arrangement you describe sounds far from "perfect." It is so bad that even with a 1 year old at home, she's risking everything to sext with this guy.

You need to get Dr Phone to get deleted communications. Something tells me there is more going on than you know. You "presume" OM is in Korea? You better be freaking sure. I would not be surprised if he's a local guy. Also, they could have gotten together. Most men will pay for flight to meet with a woman that is a sure thing. Another thing, any woman that is this reckless with a 1 year old at home, may have done this before.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

@dadwproblems

I am sorry you are in this mess.
There is still a lot to this than what she is telling you, did you read all the messages they sent to each other before she deleted the app?
Did she tell you everything about the OM? How they came in contact ? Did they exchanged pics? Did they skype?Before looking to trust your wife again there are many questions she needs to answer truthfully. I would like to reiterate what other posters suggested, she knows why she did this and there is more to this entire situation. Also I would advice to check for a burner phone and secret email accounts.
Trust cannot be accomplished without verification. Surprise her with a polygraph test.

Take care of your health
All the best


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Have you spoken to her boyfriend's wife yet?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

"I don't know"= "I don't want to tell you".

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dadwproblems said:


> Honestly, she does about 90% of all the household things and works slightly longer hours than I do.





> The stress from work kids and all that lead her to do it in the first place isn't going away. It's only going to get compounded with all the recent events. Will she do it again? I don't know what to do.


You're a real piece of work, aren't you?

She works *longer* hours than you, is the primary care-giver to your children, AND does just about all the domestic chores on TOP of it. And here you are with your self-entitled attitude claiming that the stress from doing all the work she does "isn't going to go away." And then, she's got your parents living in her home which no doubt can be an intrusion on anyone's privacy. I'll assume she also cooks for them and does other things for them as well

God FORBID you actually start doing your *share* around the house and maybe that 'stress' she's always under WILL go away. Your lame attempt at 'helping her' - as though it's all HER responsibility and you're just helping her - is lazy and selfish. Taking out the garbage or occasionally emptying the dishwasher is NOT doing your SHARE.

Your self-entitled attitude SUCKS.

Get off your dead ass and start being a productive PARTICIPANT in your household. Maybe she's sick and tired of being seen as nothing more than a damned work mule, cook, nanny, paycheck, toilet scrubber and scullery maid! She should have more going on in her life than the constant drudgery of working her ass off to make YOUR life better.

I'm *not* justifying what she did. But I have to assume she was feeling pretty resentful and sick of having to cater to everyone else while getting nothing in return for it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> "I don't know"= "I don't want to tell you".


 = "married to you has become a drag and I need something to bring back that certain tingle "down there""


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

dadwproblems said:


> She texted another guy(also married): "Came beautifully hard thinking about recreating this for you" and attached was a video of a porn clip of a woman pleasuring herself.





dadwproblems said:


> *OM is presumably stationed in Korea* btw, and the fantasy is what turned her on.


Korea? Maybe so maybe not?

You can bet your WW and OM have met somewhere in the past. BTW... "I don't know why?" is just cheater script for "I'm afraid to tell you the truth."


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're a real piece of work, aren't you?
> 
> She works *longer* hours than you, is the primary care-giver to your children, AND does just about all the domestic chores on TOP of it. And here you are with your self-entitled attitude claiming that the stress from doing all the work she does "isn't going to go away." And then, she's got your parents living in her home which no doubt can be an intrusion on anyone's privacy. I'll assume she also cooks for them and does other things for them as well
> 
> ...


Wow, judgemental much? Why don't you ask him why she does most of the work instead of just calling him a piece of work for his "self entitled attitude". 

My wife is also a veteran, also suffers PTSD, and it is very difficult for her to NOT spend all her time doing chores, even when she literally can't think of anything that needs to be done. I have found that the quickest way to put her into a good head space is to give her a sponge, a bucket, and some music and set her loose on the kitchen.

This guy is trying to take care of his parents, family, his wife with her PTSD issuess, and just found out that his wife had an emotional affair and all you can think to do is treat him like a lousy deadbeat dad?


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Retired Soldier here.
> 
> Were they ever in training, stationed, deployed, or TDY together at any time?
> 
> ...



They met on our last deployment. They were just friends then (4 yrs ago) and it started to get flirtatious 2 months ago according to her. They just chatted about their families before then. She says he means nothing to her, but like all of you are saying, the trust isn't there anymore, so I don't know what to believe. As for whether he really is in Korea or not, I really have no idea. I guess a poly is something that's common in this arena?


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> See if you can get all of the deleted texts/etc. BACK from her phone. There are ways of doing that (folks here can help). It can help you at least verify WHAT she told you she did, or perhaps you have only seen the tip of the iceberg.... You may also want to check her emails/FB/etc...



There means of communication was an app called "What's app?" It's since been deleted, but do you know of a way to get the messages back on that?


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> Wow, judgemental much? Why don't you ask him why she does most of the work instead of just calling him a piece of work for his "self entitled attitude".
> 
> My wife is also a veteran, also suffers PTSD, and it is very difficult for her to NOT spend all her time doing chores, even when she literally can't think of anything that needs to be done. I have found that the quickest way to put her into a good head space is to give her a sponge, a bucket, and some music and set her loose on the kitchen.
> 
> This guy is trying to take care of his parents, family, his wife with her PTSD issuess, and just found out that his wife had an emotional affair and all you can think to do is treat him like a lousy deadbeat dad?



Thank you for the support, but like that individual is saying, it's not entirely false. There's definitely parts of me that could improve with regard to helping around the house some more. I do help out more then that person suggests, and I plan to help with the kids now more then ever.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Find the contact number for OM's wife. Once you have the number, when your wife gets home have her call OM's wife, have her expose the affair to OM's wife. After she has exposed take the phone from your wife. Tell your wife to leave the room. Tell OM's wife to ask her husband and see if the stories match. If the stories don't match, then schedule a poly. 

At the very least you should file for divorce, list adultery and OM as the reason. You can always stop a divorce, if you decide to, but being served at work will yield good results. Not knowing why is common, but you know why, as she found it erotic and got validation. Your wife is just to shocked that you found out to see this. Your wife needs to become remorseful, not regretful, which is why she is apologizing and scared you'll leave. Remorseful will be feeling your pain and understanding you want to leave.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

dadwproblems said:


> There means of communication was an app called "What's app?" It's since been deleted, but do you know of a way to get the messages back on that?



dr. fone by wondershare can undelete whatsapp and its attachments. Also viber and kik as well as normal messages and phone logs.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You're a real piece of work, aren't you?
> 
> She works *longer* hours than you, is the primary care-giver to your children, AND does just about all the domestic chores on TOP of it. And here you are with your self-entitled attitude claiming that the stress from doing all the work she does "isn't going to go away." And then, she's got your parents living in her home which no doubt can be an intrusion on anyone's privacy. I'll assume she also cooks for them and does other things for them as well
> 
> ...


despite your rant above, which I thought was unnecessary BTW and disrespectful, nothing he has done justified what she did. period !!

Further, Om needs to check into how deep this went IMO


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

PTSD must be addressed. Are the two of you being treated? 

Re the A ask her to write down a complete timeline of this and any other indiscretions. Impress upon her that failure to disclose a prior infidelity will likely permanently destroy your trust. Her only option, if she wants to save the marriage is to thoughtfully write it all down.

Give her enough time to do this. She will wrestle with giving you trickle truth; no one wants to give up all power (and dignity) so it will likely take a few tries for her to do this.

Point out that you will likely subject her to a polygraph about what she writes, so she should be careful to be completely honest.

Give her this one opening to save her marriage. There can be no wiggle room or she'll wiggle out. It's human nature. People take the easiest path out of pain (shame, regret, anguish too). If her ONLY path free is the full truth, and IF she sees that certainty in you, she may take it.

Make no promises. You can say you would like this to work out, but you don't know what you will do and you won't decide until you're ready.

You can be both firm and compassionate. Do not accept that your behavior is in any way related to this because it isn't. Your behavior and her behavior are independent issues (you should address your own issues separately). But don't accept any blame, even indirectly.

Most women respond positively to both strength and compassion. She knows she f'D up and she expects you (and will admire you) for holding her accountable.

Reconciliation is something to think about later. Right now is the time for strength and truth and remorse.

Good luck 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

It is difficult to recover WhatsApp and the reason she deleted it is because it contained something she did not want you to know. You need to immediately contact her boyfriend's wife WITHOUT telling her. Only then can you start piecing together the puzzle.

You must do this today


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

dadwproblems said:


> There means of communication was an app called "What's app?" It's since been deleted, but do you know of a way to get the messages back on that?


I also recommend Wondershare. Reading the deleted messages will likely tell you if they had a physical affair and how long this affair had been going on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

dadwproblems said:


> There means of communication was an app called "What's app?" It's since been deleted, but do you know of a way to get the messages back on that?


I'm sure others will join in here, but a quick search shows this:

The good news is that there are several options for recovering lost messages. Learn how to recover deleted chats on: Android | iPhone | Windows Phone | BlackBerry | Nokia S60 | BlackBerry 10

see: https://www.whatsapp.com/faq/en/general/21197296


EDIT: Others have beat me to it -- I would use their suggestions to recover this....


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Best advice: Stop complaining and be grateful for what you have, which seems to be a great deal. If you have insecurity issues, deal with them, but don't put them back on your wife. If she did this kind of thing once, she'll do it again. Maybe she doesn't like having sex with you that much. Just a thought.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

dadwproblems said:


> They met on our last deployment. They were just friends then (4 yrs ago) and it started to get flirtatious 2 months ago according to her. They just chatted about their families before then. *She says he means nothing to her*, but like all of you are saying, the trust isn't there anymore, so I don't know what to believe. As for whether he really is in Korea or not, I really have no idea. I guess a poly is something that's common in this arena?


This is one of my favorite/sarc quotes.

How often have we seen this? Someone steps out of their marriage, is caught, and declares that they've put their marriage, which they supposedly cherish, in jeopardy over someone who means nothing to them.

OP, rest assured he did mean something to her. Probably quite a bit. ( and still does )


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

dadwproblems said:


> They met on our last deployment. They were just friends then (4 yrs ago) and it started to get flirtatious 2 months ago according to her. They just chatted about their families before then. *She says he means nothing to her,* but like all of you are saying, the trust isn't there anymore, so I don't know what to believe. As for whether he really is in Korea or not, I really have no idea. I guess a poly is something that's common in this arena?


Seeing she knowingly risked her marriage to you for him, what does that make you?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

OP, you are not stupid. You know she had feelings for this guy. She was willing to jeopardize her marriage to you in order to sext with him. I recommendd a polygraph to see if they met for sex. I think you will find that they did. 

Yoir best option is to see a divorce lawyer and figure out your options before movving forward with D or R. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

dadwproblems said:


> Thank you for the support, but like that individual is saying, it's not entirely false. There's definitely parts of me that could improve with regard to helping around the house some more. I do help out more then that person suggests, and I plan to help with the kids now more then ever.


Each of us can ALWAYS improve on our interactions with our spouse/family, but that DOES NOT excuse cheating. That is 100% on her...


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I can feel for you, we all can we have been there. But you are not focusing on solving the issues that led you to this spot. Your wife in unhappy, not saying it your fault, but she is waving a giant flag to let you know. When a person is unhappy they have two choice, the mature choice to speak up and communicate with their spouse, or the easy way out and have either an emotional or physical affair.

You do exactly what I do, defend your WS, take on some blame and justify their behaviors. I do it all the time. In the end it does not matter if you didn't help out enough around the house or give her the attention she deserved she could have sat down with you and talked about her feelings, she chose to cheat. So before you go any further you better truly understand why. Cause if the why is not addressed and determined if it can be fixed you will be heading for more heartbreak.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dadwproblems,

If the OM is in the military raise an issue with the inspector general, infidelity is against the UCMJ and potentially you can have him court marshaled. Bypass his commanding officer and go to the IG which will force a note on his record. Don't warn or threaten especially do not tell your WW what you are going to do as she will inform the OM.

Tamat


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

have her expose the affair to OM's wife


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

We made her delete the app and contact from the phone after the NC message. I don't know of a way to get in contact with OMW. All I have is a name, where OM works and it's a pretty generic name.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Will your wife agree to:
1. No contact ever with this guy? No FB, no twitter, no nothing.
2. Allow her phone, emails, FB, twitter or whatever other means of communications be checked at anytime.

If she agrees then I think you missed the bullet here, if she does not agree, then she may be hiding more.

IMO, a marriage should be open and so should all devices and social media accounts and that goes both ways, with you and her.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Dadwproblems,
> 
> If the OM is in the military raise an issue with the inspector general, infidelity is against the UCMJ and potentially you can have him court marshaled. Bypass his commanding officer and go to the IG which will force a note on his record. Don't warn or threaten especially do not tell your WW what you are going to do as she will inform the OM.
> 
> Tamat


All I had to do was threaten this after catching my E-5 ex in our bed with her E-7 platoon sergeant, I could have been vengeful but all I wanted was the truth about how long and I got it... there is a lot of power in this advantage.

Advantage makes choice much more clear...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

dadwproblems said:


> We made her delete the app and contact from the phone after the NC message. I don't know of a way to get in contact with OMW. All I have is a name, where OM works and it's a pretty generic name.




Don't let your wife fool you, she knows.


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## goingsolo12 (Mar 26, 2017)

dadwproblems said:


> There means of communication was an app called "What's app?" It's since been deleted, but do you know of a way to get the messages back on that?


'Wats App' regularly creates back up files of all the chats and there is a high probability that these files will remain on the phone even if the app is uninstalled.

So you need to install 'Wats App' on her phone again, use her phone number for logging in, there is a high chance that all the chats will be recovered from the back up files on her phone. Also notice the reaction on her face while doing this, do not tell her about the back up files, she might try to delete them.

All the best.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

While flying over your house I heard City Hall ring their clock bell 9 times.

She has used up all her 9 married lives over this "one" matter.

I too would be crushed. 

She got her one free pass. This is not likely going to be repeated.

I would trust her to keep her word. She sounds like a keeper. 

Keep her sexually sated. Keep her bow legged.

Oh, remind her how desirable she is....but not right away.

On this sexting. I suspect this is something she did to keep from sleeping around while deployed. This behavior is not new to her. Old hat, same hand satisfaction.

It is a habit that she needs to un-hand.

Sexual release is very natural. This is how she is releasing tension. This behavior is destructive. Obviously.


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## Bradybunch (Jun 2, 2015)

I'm so surprised at how quickly people are judged in this forum. We reach out for advice, and because we are in pain, yet people are so quick to put us down rather than offer support. That being said, I don't think any of this is your fault. I think your wife sounds genuinely remorseful, and it seems as though there is hope for your relationship. She wants to get counseling, has taken steps to end the "relationship" and acknowledges your pain. Those are all positive steps. Does that mean it will never happen again? Not necessarily. I'm in a similar situation myself, where my husband has "sexted" other women, and when I have found out, it stops, but inevitably it happens again, with someone else. As much as it hurts me, and I'm not excusing the behavior, I also know it's his own psychological condition. As was the case with your wife, he had parental issues early in life, and that (along with many other things) has really damaged who he is today. I do believe he is a sex addict, but not in an obvious way. He doesn't physically do anything with anyone else, and actually doesn't really enjoy sex. So, just a note to say I sympathize with what you're going through. I don't have any great advice, and I haven't left my marriage, but I don't think this is your fault in any way. You need to decide what is best for you and your family, but be cautious that this may not be the first or last time you discover this. Good luck, friend.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

drifting on said:


> Don't let your wife fool you, she knows.


If she was sexting the dude, she knows his name and how to contact him.

I would reinstall the app and see if you can get the messages back. 

Know what you are forgiving. You may be unpleasantly surprised. I hope not.


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## dadwproblems (Apr 23, 2017)

Everyone has been so supportive, regardless of anything else that happens, this has been such an amazing community. Thanks so much

She's agreed to poly, completely open digital access, and willing to tell anyone that I feel comfortable with, the indiscretion.

I had her delete the app and the contact without thinking about it. I can't seem to recover the messages because the app never backed anything up. I tired using 3rd party software but no luck. She doesn't seem like she's lying when she says she has no way of contacting the OM/OMW , but I guess that trust ship has sailed. So I guess we'll just have to wait til the poly. Before this, I knew her to be super genuine and a rule followerer to the T, so part of me feels she's telling the truth.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

dadwproblems said:


> Everyone has been so supportive, regardless of anything else that happens, this has been such an amazing community. Thanks so much
> 
> She's agreed to poly, completely open digital access, and willing to tell anyone that I feel comfortable with, the indiscretion.
> 
> I had her delete the app and the contact without thinking about it. I can't seem to recover the messages because the app never backed anything up. I tired using 3rd party software but no luck. She doesn't seem like she's lying when she says she has no way of contacting the OM/OMW , but I guess that trust ship has sailed. So I guess we'll just have to wait til the poly. Before this, I knew her to be super genuine and a rule followerer to the T, so part of me feels she's telling the truth.


I shake my head with face palm when I see a betrayed spouse talk about how honest the betrayer was.

Please understand that was the person that she WAS - NOT THE PERSON SHE HAS BECOME. It is like she killed the person she was before the affair. Now that person is dead. Do not attribute this new person with the admirable qualities of the old one. She has none.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> I shake my head with face palm when I see a betrayed spouse talk about how honest the betrayer was.
> 
> 
> 
> Please understand that was the person that she WAS - NOT THE PERSON SHE HAS BECOME. It is like she killed the person she was before the affair. Now that person is dead. Do not attribute this new person with the admirable qualities of the old one. She has none.




Glad TAM is filled with multiple perspectives.

I am not so quick to judge is such a black and white fashion.

OP is on the ground and sees his WW as best he can; of course he is blind to many flaws but then again so are we.

I wouldn't wish PTSD on anyone (nor CSA) and these things change people and not for the better. I'm not military but my father dealt with soldiers trying to cope in the world. He said you never cure anyone, you just help them live their lives.

I'm not excusing anything but I'm also not judging - that's up to OP


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No, he needs to hear what people that aren't in this can see.

She has proven herself to be untrustworthy. For the OP to think she is trustworthy is just plain rose-colored glasses thinking.

She WAS trustworthy, up until NOW.

Can she be trusted not to continue this stuff once the dust settles?
Only time will tell.

I'd give her another chance if I loved her. She does seem remorseful. Then again, they all do at first.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

goingsolo12 said:


> 'Wats App' regularly creates back up files of all the chats and there is a high probability that these files will remain on the phone even if the app is uninstalled.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




They are stored in a local nosql database. You may not even need to restore the database


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

dadwproblems said:


> Everyone has been so supportive, regardless of anything else that happens, this has been such an amazing community. Thanks so much
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She knows.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Sounds like one of the poly questions should be, "Do you have any means of contacting the OM?"


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