# Give up or keep fighting?



## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

My wife and I got married in summer 2009, initially I thought everything was fine but over the summer things deteriorated and we ended up going to marriage counselling in the autumn. This was helpful and it identified a number of things that I was doing (not through any malice) that were making my wife depressed – as the marriage counsellor pointed out my own parents marriage didn’t give the best frame of reference (e.g. I thought just zoning out in front of the telly after work was fine rather than having indepth conversations). Having identified these things I made a number of changes over the course of a few months and to be honest we grew to be much better friends, however we weren’t kissing let alone anything more.

Unfortunately my wife was still depressed and getting more so, partly no doubt as she could see how upset I was about the situation (lots of deep depressing conversations) so she moved out into a flat that we own (never sold after we brought our house as it needed decorating and by the time it came to sell it we were in this position). We agreed that we’d see each other a couple of times a week but not discuss our relationship for two months. The dates went ok but we were pretty much as friends (peck on the lips at most). Two months is now up, her depression seems to have lessened (tho her work is very stressful at the moment) and after a couple of weekends of chats she’s told me that she thinks divorce is the only answer. The primary reasons seem to be that she doesn’t love me anymore, doesn’t believe there is any way that these feelings can come back and doesn’t want to spend her life with someone as a friend. She also said it was unfair to lead me on.

I’ve countered saying that we’re good friends and that should be a good basis, that we both believe divorce isn’t a good thing to do (both Christians – please don’t take that as a judgement on anyone else’s situation) and that she was in love we me once and since i’ve stopped the things that upset her (and demonstrated such for the past 5 months) in time she can again. Unsurprisingly that didn’t get anywhere – I even suggested pretending to act as a married couple and seeing if the feelings come back, but she says that would be false. 

I’m at a loss about what to do. I’ve told her I’m going to keep fighting, she’s said fine, and I don’t think the papers are going to drop on the doormat imminently. We’re still going to see each other once a week and then at church – most of friends don’t know (esp those that live near us – they all think we still live in the same house). Intellectually i think we can both see the reasons why we ended up where we are and that those reasons have now largely been resolved – the problem is that during the process we became friends, at least on her side.

What do I do? Give up? Or keep fighting? How do I make her see me as her husband not as her friend?

Apologies for the length, thankyou for reading. It feels cathartic to get it out.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

im sorry your going thru this, the old I love you but not in love with you is the biggest mountain of marriage to overcome. i'm not gonna lie, she's already disconnected and moved on in her mind. you have a very rough path ahead of you. you can try the 180: The Healing Heart: The 180 but odds are against you. that doesn't mean don't try or give up. Just understand this is the most brutal marriage issue to overcome. you're gonna need to find some immediate support: friends, hobbies. family, things to keep your mind busy as its tearing itself apart.

Odds are she's found a sympathetic ear, male or female. So your battling two demons. Look at yourself in the mirror, ask what more you could be doing for yourself, and do it!!

You need her to see the old you that she fell in love with, but at the same time you have to realize she's not the same person you fell in love with. Work on yourself, cause eventually that's all that's gonna matter anyways, if she even cares to see the changes. Get back into MC if you can, it will help you deal with the situation, and make sure you LISTEN to what she's saying, don't solve her problems, just let her vent for a while, don't take it as ridicule, but a chance to solve the issues she's still having with you. Good luck and remember TAM is a great place for support/advice/or just to vent on a bad day.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I strongly suggest that you read a couple of books - Divorce Busting by Michele Wiener-Davis and the Married Man's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. These will help answer the questions - 
1. do I want to remain in this marriage? 
2. If I do, how do I fight for it?
3. How can I be more attractive to my wife (as a husband, not as a friend)?

In short, from what you have said I don't think that your situation is hopeless - but what do I know, I'm just another guy on the road to divorce. 

The whole friends vs lovers thing seems to be a bit of a false distinction. It seems that people can switch between the two and that the whole "just feel like friends" thing sounds more discouraging than it actually is - at least for some people. 

The one thing I can tell you from personal experience is that it is very, very hard to fall out of love with someone, even when you want to. So I believe that love can be rekindled. 

Also, sometimes "fighting" for a relationship is actually a passive activity rather than an active one - it can simply mean being patient, giving someone space, showing understanding, etc. 

Sorry for the random thoughts, but I hope that some of them help.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

just curious, had/has she been texting a lot? at odd hours/late? did you check the history on your home computer? More and more cell calls? do you have access to your cell phone records, see if any numbers don't come to mind? This whole process usually starts with an emotional affair, meaning someone giving her the attention you weren't. These quickly escalate up to a physical affair. Check if you can, cause if that's whats happening, save yourself the trouble and move on now.


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## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

Thanks everyone, helpful posts. I'll have a read of those books.

Re: affair, I'm pretty certain for a variety of reasons that this is not the case.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

depressedguy77 said:


> Re: affair, I'm pretty certain for a variety of reasons that this is not the case.


I'm sorry to say it, but so are most people. But affairs do happen and most betrayed spouses are very trusting and don't suspect a thing.

Also don't underestimate the power or significance of an Emotional Affair - that shoulder to cry on can become very addictive, and thoughts can very quickly turn to a more sexual nature. 

One last thought for you - why not tell some people at church what is going on? Not only will they be a great source of support - what you need right now - but they might also be helpful in getting your wife to see what she is throwing away. Do not, however, try to get people to take sides.


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## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi Voltaire - thanks for your message, I understand your point.

We're going to have a chat with the pastor and explain the situation.


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## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

Spoken to the pastour - we're going to meet with him and his wife in a weeks time. My wife was hardly keen tho.

Not sure how to cope day to day. Can't concentrate on anything.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

depressedguy77 said:


> Re: affair, I'm pretty certain for a variety of reasons that this is not the case.


What reasons?

Besides the fact that you don't want to believe that she's having an affair?


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## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

Well I asked her for one thing. Short of hiring a private investigator I've investigated as far as I think is appropriate. Fundamentally I trust her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

depressedguy77 said:


> Well I asked her for one thing. Short of hiring a private investigator I've investigated as far as I think is appropriate. Fundamentally I trust her.


People who are cheating never own it.

100% ironclad rule.


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## depressedguy77 (Apr 22, 2013)

I see your point. But I have to trust her on this one I think.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

depressedguy77 said:


> I see your point. But I have to trust her on this one I think.


Trust but verify


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Trust but verify


Absolute necessity. 

Can't give advice until this possibility
is eliminated. The advice varies depending
on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

depressedguy77 said:


> Well I asked her for one thing.


You don't believe she's cheating because you asked her and she denied it.

That's not a reason.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Get a VAR and slip it under her drivers seat.

Get a keylogger.

Check credit card receipts.

Check phone records.

IF she had a EA/PA would that be your final straw?

if she did not, simple peace of mind and you can decide next step


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