# Sex life disappearing-looking for advice



## Daniel551 (Mar 14, 2019)

So let me start by saying we have been married for 19 years and have both been faithful. 
So my wife suffers from anxiety and depression for most our marriage and refused to get treatment due to a bad experience with medication as a teenager. During that time the sex was great and plentiful but as we got older her mental health was getting worse. She had trouble holding a job and had difficulty finishing her B.S. degree. About 2 years ago I was able to convince her to seek help and she did and started taking medication. 
Now to present day. The medication she is on now is very helpful and she is doing very well at her current job. The down side is that her current medication has killed her desire for sex and when we do have sex it is difficult for her to finish or I have to stop because I can tell it is bugging her. Although there are times she tells me to just finish I can't because it almost feels as if I am rapping her even though she has consented. She has allowed me to buy a sexual aide for myself and allows me to watch porn (I only do this when she is not home) so that I may fill my needs. I constantly tell her that I am okay with not having sex because I don't want her to feel obligated to perform simply because we are married. She even at one point said she would be okay with me seeking a another partner as long as I use protection but too me this is totally out of the question and not an option. 
The hardest part for me through all this is not the actual act of sex but the intimacy shared during sex and even though I try not to ask or make advances I always hope she will. 
The biggest thing is that I feel lonely and rejected and miss her, if that makes since. Now I come to you for advice and hopefully reassurance because I find it difficult to tell her these things because she already feels horrible about the situation and I just need an ear and don't want to hurt her. 

Thanks for listening.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I've been there. 

The first antidepressant/anti-anxiety med I was on made me numb to feeling. I knew intellectually I should be feeling X in Y situation, but I just felt nothing.

The second med made my muscles cramp and my stomach feel like I was trying to digest rocks and broken glass with acid.

The third allowed me to become aroused, but not reach orgasm no matter heroic efforts.

The fourth had zero effect at all.

The fifth is working fine with no side effects.

If her medication is causing her lack of libido she can speak to her doctor and try a different medication or combination of medications. Just knocking back the illness isn't enough. Quality of life matters.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What MJJean said is correct in experimenting with meds.

However, does she actually want to?

I understand she may not want sex...

But if she doesn't actually WANT to want to have sex, there is very little you can do.

You need to have a serious talk with her about it. If she doesn't want change, your options are pretty limited. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She needs to tell her doc to put her on another drug. Also, docs tend to want to up your mg too high. I just tell them no I'm good, and keep at one of the lowest dosages. It still helps but without that foggy, numbing feeling that anti-depressants are notorious for.


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## Daniel551 (Mar 14, 2019)

She has expressed to me that she feels guilty about not having sex and wishes her sex drive was back to normal. She has even attempted to initiate it only to find that she really didn't have it in her and we would have to stop. Her biggest concern about experimenting with other medications is that she will have an adverse effect or it will not work. I think she is in a comfort zone, so to speak, with the meds and does not want to risk others not working just for the same sexual problems due to the high potential with all antidepressants.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Daniel551 said:


> She has expressed to me that she feels guilty about not having sex and wishes her sex drive was back to normal. She has even attempted to initiate it only to find that she really didn't have it in her and we would have to stop. Her biggest concern about experimenting with other medications is that she will have an adverse effect or it will not work. I think she is in a comfort zone, so to speak, with the meds and does not want to risk others not working just for the same sexual problems due to the high potential with all antidepressants.


If we are talking about SSRI's Ive been of quite a few, they all work pretty much the same. However, some did kill my ability to orgasm. For a long time, since I was young, I thought it was just me. 

Then I switched to another since it wasn't working well anymore...and holy hell ...a whole new life opened up for me. Its like someone flipped on the sprinkler system and I had to do some major pipe cleaning from years of buildup! I think I binge watched porn that entire week...

She won't know without trying.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My wife got put on an SSRI recently. Whether or not it has affected her in terms of sexual desire, it is hard to say. She is making an effort to keep things going (this is more from trying to work on things in terms of our sex life), so that may be overriding any hit to her sex drive the SSRI may have placed. There have been a few occasions of late where either she couldn't O or it took much longer than normal, so once again, not sure if that in part is due to the SSRI. She is on a low dose, but it is something I am pushing for her to get off of.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I've been there.
> 
> The first antidepressant/anti-anxiety med I was on made me numb to feeling. I knew intellectually I should be feeling X in Y situation, but I just felt nothing.
> 
> ...


I second this. Tweaking ADs is a must do.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Let me ask you this - is the intimacy you're missing definitely sexual or could it be just the holding, touching, talking, closeness that goes with the sex? Because if your able to satisfy your sex drive on your own, could you tell her you really miss her and the closeness. People were talking about "naked time together" that isn't sexual in another thread on here where antidepressants and lack of sex drive were involved.

Things I find really intimate include - Taking bath's together with candle light and maybe a drink, back rubs in bed, Hand rubs, foot rubs, just cuddling and talking, even going for a walk - anything were the two of you are alone and completely focused on each other instead of a TV or phone. 

And definitely talk to her Dr. like others have suggested. It's great if the medication is helping overall, but that frees you up to focus on some of the finer things in life. 








Daniel551 said:


> So let me start by saying we have been married for 19 years and have both been faithful.
> So my wife suffers from anxiety and depression for most our marriage and refused to get treatment due to a bad experience with medication as a teenager. During that time the sex was great and plentiful but as we got older her mental health was getting worse. She had trouble holding a job and had difficulty finishing her B.S. degree. About 2 years ago I was able to convince her to seek help and she did and started taking medication.
> Now to present day. The medication she is on now is very helpful and she is doing very well at her current job. The down side is that her current medication has killed her desire for sex and when we do have sex it is difficult for her to finish or I have to stop because I can tell it is bugging her. Although there are times she tells me to just finish I can't because it almost feels as if I am rapping her even though she has consented. She has allowed me to buy a sexual aide for myself and allows me to watch porn (I only do this when she is not home) so that I may fill my needs. I constantly tell her that I am okay with not having sex because I don't want her to feel obligated to perform simply because we are married. She even at one point said she would be okay with me seeking a another partner as long as I use protection but too me this is totally out of the question and not an option.
> The hardest part for me through all this is not the actual act of sex but the intimacy shared during sex and even though I try not to ask or make advances I always hope she will.
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Daniel551 said:


> So let me start by saying we have been married for 19 years and have both been faithful.
> So my wife suffers from anxiety and depression for most our marriage and refused to get treatment due to a bad experience with medication as a teenager. During that time the sex was great and plentiful but as we got older her mental health was getting worse. She had trouble holding a job and had difficulty finishing her B.S. degree. About 2 years ago I was able to convince her to seek help and she did and started taking medication.
> Now to present day. The medication she is on now is very helpful and she is doing very well at her current job. The down side is that her current medication has killed her desire for sex and when we do have sex it is difficult for her to finish or I have to stop because I can tell it is bugging her. Although there are times she tells me to just finish I can't because it almost feels as if I am rapping her even though she has consented. She has allowed me to buy a sexual aide for myself and allows me to watch porn (I only do this when she is not home) so that I may fill my needs. I constantly tell her that I am okay with not having sex because I don't want her to feel obligated to perform simply because we are married. She even at one point said she would be okay with me seeking a another partner as long as I use protection but too me this is totally out of the question and not an option.
> The hardest part for me through all this is not the actual act of sex but the intimacy shared during sex and even though I try not to ask or make advances I always hope she will.
> ...





Daniel551 said:


> She has expressed to me that she feels guilty about not having sex and wishes her sex drive was back to normal. She has even attempted to initiate it only to find that she really didn't have it in her and we would have to stop. Her biggest concern about experimenting with other medications is that she will have an adverse effect or it will not work. I think she is in a comfort zone, so to speak, with the meds and does not want to risk others not working just for the same sexual problems due to the high potential with all antidepressants.


This is tricky....

The best news is that wishes she had her sex drive back and feels guilty not having sex. So, it seems that she knows that sex is important and is willing to work on the problem.

I can understand her (and your) reluctance to mess with her medications. My wife needs to be on significant doses of anti-depressants / anxiety meds to feel normal. When they find the right mix, she's fine. When someone decides to "change her meds", she needs to wean off th eold ones before starting the new ones and then the new ones may not work. Not a good experience. During one "let's change the meds" episode she started to think that maybe throwing herself off a hotel balcony would be a good idea. So, as you can guess, I'm very leery of changing anything that's working.

On the other hand, a lack of sex is going to (has) be bad for the marriage and just taking a pass on it isn't going to work either.

The big question is; "She has even attempted to initiate it only to find that she really didn't have it in her and we would have to stop". Does she stop before sex? Does she stop once it's begun? Does she stop because she can't reach orgasm, because it's painful or she just can't mentally handle it? If it's because she can't orgasm and you have (or could), that's not a huge problem. Mostly you need to work on getting over her lack of orgasms. It would be nice to give her orgasms but you don't want to make this the primary concern while having sex. If it's painful, then try lubes or have her see a doctor. If she can't mentally handle it, talk about that. If it's that she find sex repulsive when she's not aroused, then that's going to be a problem. Is she willing to perform stand alone oral sex for you? However you're having orgasms, it's important that she be a part of the process.

She probably feels like a failure, that she's letting you down, etc. Having her participate in your orgasms in some method and not making her orgasms the be all, end all of sex will probably help her feel better about herself.

On your side, you're going to have to try and get comfortable with her having sex with you because she WANTS to have sex with you, not because she's horny and wants to get off.

She should talk to her doctor about the sexual side effects. Wellbutrin is known to often improve libido.

As long as your wife is willing, work with her.

Don't just decide that you won't have sex if it's not ideal or she doesn't seem enthused enough. That's not going to be good for the relationship.


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## Daniel551 (Mar 14, 2019)

Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Daniel551 said:


> Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


Oh, that is just so sad. If she was abused as a child maybe lots of non-sexual intimacy would be really healing for her. Though possibly frustrating for you, but not as frustrating as starting then stopping because she's crying or looks like a compliant hostage. 

Good luck. I'm glad just having people to talk to on here gives you some relief.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Daniel551 said:


> Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


One of the hard things I had to learn during the recovery from a sex starved marriage was that while I was the HD partner and my wife was the LD partner, I had to learn to accept the gift of her body when she gave it to me. That may sound corny, but pleasuring your lover and feeling like you are sexual enough to provide them the sex they need can make a spouse feel better about themself. Sometimes the giver is actually getting a feeling of accomplishment and pride in their own sexuality.

Yes, you should not rape her or you should stop if she is really in pain. Talk to her about her emotional pain. She might want to really go through with it and doing so might allow her to come out of it feeling better about herself. Likewise, it might be a signal that she is disgusted with herself and wants to not bother continuing. Only talking about it can allow you to know what she is really feeling, and it may be hard for her to confront those feelings. 

When my wife and I were working with a sex therapist, they had exercises to try to help us sensually reconnect (sensate focus and others) and then sexually reconnect. You might want to schedule some time with a good marriage counselor that is also a board certified sex therapist.

Good luck.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Daniel551 said:


> Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times *I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored*. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


I understand where you're coming from. It's hard to be aroused when you think you're boring your partner.

She's going to have to learn to do a better job at showing (or , if necessary, feigning) a little enthusiasm. You're going to have to work on living with a little less obvious enthusiasm from her.

It's like visiting your wife's relatives who you don't really like. If you want to make your wife happy by going anyway, you don't get any points for it if you spend all your time looking bored and annoyed. 

A lot of this comes down to your wife. Make it clear that, while you're very aware of and have empathy for her situation, it's important to maintain a sex life and you're more than willing to work with her if she is as well. 

If you take the easy way out (just give up on sex), your marriage will suffer.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Have her watch this video.

It’s a difficult situation Bc when you don’t have that feeling of desire for sex you don’t have it. And she loves you enough to allow you to get your fill elsewhere. But it seems she doesn’t understand that it’s not about sex...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Been there... I don't have any advice, because we failed to find a solution and the lack of intimacy ultimately destroyed our marriage. Remember, though, that for your wife her well-being will always be her priority. Don't take it personally. I failed to understand this. Be patient and try to work together towards a mutually satisfying compromise, if at all possible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she loves you, then she will be happy to have sex for that reason alone, even if she doesn't feel like it. Even if she doesn't orgasm. 
A large part of sex for me is seeing my husband enjoying it and the fact that it brings us closer emotionally as well as physically.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Daniel551 said:


> Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


In my opinion it may be helpful to stop using your "male model" of sexual fulfillment as something you feel your wife needs. Instead ask her what it is that she needs to feel loved and confident about herself. Then work on those things with her. 

From a sexual point of view many (both men and women) find it very fulfilling and validating to be simply able to please their partners and may not want anything in return. So if your wife has no libido and you do, then focus on making yourself very easy for her to please you sexually, and compliment her for her efforts. Otherwise if you state you have desire but then withdraw because she is unable to get aroused for you, it may send her a very ugly message akin to being rejected. If penetration is uncomfortable, then allow her to stimulate you via the various forms of outercourse (hand, oral, feet, hitachi, feather, wet noodle, rolled up newspaper, boobs in your face, whatever), just be sure not to initiate unless you know your climax is a sure thing and easy for her to help you achieve. 

Then once you work together to help her regain her confidence of knowing she is desirable and that she can easily please you, odds are she will eventually "respond" very well to this and she will find a spark again. 

Just takes being very confident, patient, and making sure you listen to what it is she needs from you in order to feel loved and cared for in the marriage. She also needs to know it is OK not to be perfect and that neither are you, but as long as you both work together at it, that is all you likely need. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry, but I think she is making a reasonable effort and that is all anyone can reasonably expect. I don't think there is a problem with your satisfying yourself during. 

I think you have to tell her that you are happy she is happy, you love her, and it is good getting together. If there is not a lot of moans and groans, so be it. I think she is saying she loves you by her action and that should make you feel good.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there are a lot of studies, recently, that say intense aerobic exercise every morning can go a long way to stop depression. 
Another thing that sometimes helps is "light therapy". When she wakes up, have her eat breakfast next to a very bright panel of lights. They sell small panels just for this on amazon, and some people say it really helps. 
Somehow the light triggers the brain to "wake up".

https://www.amazon.com/Verilux-Happ...+therapy+lamp&qid=1553342152&s=gateway&sr=8-7

Sign her up for a health club, and encourage her to go a lot! Buy her a light panel. Maybe she can drop the drugs, or at least lower the dosage?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> there are a lot of studies, recently, that say intense aerobic exercise every morning can go a long way to stop depression.
> Another thing that sometimes helps is "light therapy". When she wakes up, have her eat breakfast next to a very bright panel of lights. They sell small panels just for this on amazon, and some people say it really helps.
> Somehow the light triggers the brain to "wake up".
> 
> ...


My husband uses a sad lamp, not for depression but because in the winter he gets tired and looses energy. It does seem to help.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> My husband uses a sad lamp, not for depression but because in the winter he gets tired and looses energy. It does seem to help.


LOL
if he has depression tendencies...he should change the name to "Happy Lamp"!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> LOL
> if he has depression tendencies...he should change the name to "Happy Lamp"!


Yes, it actually stands for seasonal affective disorder.


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## serenity22 (Apr 25, 2017)

Daniel551 said:


> Buddy400, in regards to us "stopping" it is generally because I can see the emotional pain in her eyes and at times she has started crying. We always use lubricants and I always offer to help her come to orgasm before I even begin. So it is hard for me to continue when she looks emotionally pained and this is because she was once abused as a child so I am always cautious of here feelings in that regard. Now there are times when she is okay with helping me try to climax but at times I am unable to remain aroused when she just looks bored. So part of this is on me aswell. I do appreciate all the input from all who have responded so far and it is helping in a way to just be able to vent.


This is very sad. Do you ever feel guilty after having sex with her?


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Why not take out the entire orgasm part or the finish and just focus on the act? Explain to her that you just want to be inside her and start out that way. Go inside her without pumping away and just hold her and kiss her and tell her how much you love her etc. This may be the way to get things back on course?


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

This one hits home, we had been struggling with the same cause effect situation for a while. We tried a bunch of different meds and combos, and it wasn't easy but finally found one combo that worked the best. She still struggles greatly to orgasm, but at least has desire and is responsive when I initiate. 

Feel for you, it can be a tough time dealing with the medical side effects and the changes in medicine effects


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I've been where your wife is- I found Wellbutrin to bring about a miraculous change when I thought there was no hope- the side effect for me was an overall increase in the ability to feel pleasure 

It allowed me to feel pleasure from physical touch again- pleasure from sex- and I was able to orgasm

Sleeping naked for h and I was a way of reestablishing intimacy - sometimes leading to sex sometimes leading to a wonderful Cozy sleep

The other added bonus for Wellbutrin was it decreased my craving for carbs which resulted in some weight loss which made me feel more desirable .....

Miracle drug - for me- but worth a try
For her

The time transitioning between drugs needs to be monitored carefully of course

Good luck


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Topic seems well covered, and Ive been HD in a mixed drive relationship and I've taken SSRIs. I have a related question. Do SSRI's become less effective over time? I'm still taking the same small dose, but my drive is returning as is my moodiness. I don't want to get wrapped up in a desensitization loop.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

NJ2 said:


> I've been where your wife is- I found Wellbutrin to bring about a miraculous change when I thought there was no hope- the side effect for me was an overall increase in the ability to feel pleasure


I wish you were my wife too... :laugh: Despite the bad side effects (no libido at all), she has always refused to change her meds. Now, menopause + SSRIs have sanctioned the end of our marriage. I'm supposed to be a monk from now on...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> NJ2 said:
> 
> 
> > I've been where your wife is- I found Wellbutrin to bring about a miraculous change when I thought there was no hope- the side effect for me was an overall increase in the ability to feel pleasure
> ...


No, you just aren't going to be married to this particular woman anymore. The whole world will open up to you. You are free to pursue and have a sex filled relationship with whomever you want.

Also, menopause and SSRIs didn't sanction the end of your marriage. Your *wife* and her personality and way of dealing with those issues did.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NJ2 said:


> I've been where your wife is- I found Wellbutrin to bring about a miraculous change when I thought there was no hope- the side effect for me was an overall increase in the ability to feel pleasure
> 
> It allowed me to feel pleasure from physical touch again- pleasure from sex- and I was able to orgasm
> 
> ...


This is something I hoping to get my W to switch over to. Granted, the best option would be to not be on any medication, but currently she is on Zoloft. If she can get the same anxiety benefits from Wellbutrin as with Zoloft without the negative sexual side effects (and even better, a swing in the positive direction), it is a no brainer to me.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

As a long time depression sufferer, I hope that I can offer some insight. Depression is a whole body experience, mind body soul. Feelings of inadequacy and dullness are very common. Sadness is only one part of it. If your wife was abused as a child, that adds a whole other layer of complexity to the issue. 
To the exercise point: when depressed and dull you do NOT feel like jumping up and down, despite how good it might be for you. Start with gentle stretches, fresh air, connection with nature, walking. Go together. Just be there for her. Forcing her to a gym will only add to her feelings of not being good enough. 
To light therapy: Yes. That and Vitamin D can be very helpful, under doctors guidance. Too much light can be just as bad as too little. Same with VItamin D. Proper SAD light is the best option as it covers all wavelengths. Timing is critical too. Time of year as well as time of day. Very personalized.
I’m getting the sense that she feels she is not good enough, and is trying to release you of your obligation to her but is secretly hoping that you will just love her where she is right now. That’s based on my personal experience only. I am not a doctor or a therapist. 
Honestly this is something that a certified sex therapist would be able to help with. 
Medication: yea, they can be a ******. You feel better, but your sex drive is in the toilet. Zoloft did that to me. Changing meds is so scary, will you get better or worse? What if you can’t function on the new med? You get discouraged and don’t want to switch because you are afraid, and the depression keeps you there. She needs support and courage. I switched to Wellbutrin and things got much better. But its a long road. Depression is so hard on everybody in the relationship. Get some IC yourself or join a support group. Wishing you better days.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

Just one more kick at the can
Sexual desire is a very complicated thing for some women. Complicated by depression and low self worth, side effects of medications, hormonal changes pre menopause, menopause, post menopause......fatigue, stress, children, body changes particularly gaining weight.......anxiety, abuse, anger all these things and much more can effect a womans libido.

The one that sometimes can be fixed is low dopamine. Dopamine helps us feel pleasure- increase it and you will increase positive pleasurable feelings about everything- sex, self worth, sex appeal, life itself. It is a start. There has to be that ability to feel pleasure for anything to happen.

I hated sex when I was depressed. I loathed it. It felt like I was being used in a nonconsenting way. It made me tense and angry- it made me cry. I would do anything to avoid it. 

It had nothing to do with my husband. Not his looks, not his body, not his hygiene, certainly not his technique! I find my husband very handsome, and great in bed- and I always have.....

. But - that doesnt matter when you feel like a piece of ****. 

So please keep this in mind- I was not intentionally trying to ruin our marriage, I wasnt a royal frigid *****, I was depressed. 
And now I'm not


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