# Desperate for Help!



## just another joe (Oct 21, 2014)

My wife and I have been married for almost ten years now. We were virgins until marriage. We had a long honeymoon period, waiting several years to have kids. My problem is that in all the time we have been married my wife has never had an orgasm. In fact she has never had one at all. It is killing me, makes me feel like a wimpy man failure. I don't know what I am doing wrong or what I can do better. I know that my insecurity on the subject doesn't help and I feel like I am not aloud to ask her for help. It has become the elephant in the corner, she doesn't like to talk about it because it puts too much pressure on her. I can probably count on one hand the number of times we have tried to discuss it and she always answers with and aggravated look on her face, "don't worry about it, I like sex", or "I read that some women just aren't able too".

She won't use toys.

She doesn't let me go down on her but once or twice a year and when I do it doesn't last more than a few minutes. Before she asks for me to enter her instead. Most of the time she only lets me because I am begging for it. She says' "she is too self conscious about smells and tastes to relax and enjoy it." Probably i am just really bad at it. Lack of practice I would argue.

She does not self pleasure without me around and is very hesitant to do it with me watching, even though I tell her I love it and am very turned on by it. But, when she does do it, at the moment I think its going to work for her she will stop and ask for my ****. I will plead for her to continue but she won't.

I am feeling like a huge failure. I have thoughts of going elsewhere just to satisfy the idea that it isn't really my fault. (not healthy). I would trade everything I own to give that gift to my wife. I am also feeling a bit paranoid that she is intentionally denying herself of it, but I cannot come up with a reasonable explanation of why she would do that. And my hope is once she has one, she will want more, which will greatly improve our increasingly typically bland rather routine encounters.

Any advice on how to start a real and productive conversation, or how to get there without any further talk on the matter?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you need to have a painful, awkward talk. Possibly with a counselor, as your wife has already demonstrated she doesn't want to talk about it. All depends on how important this is to you. 

And my first thought is childhood sexual abuse. Be prepared for learning painful things, even if this isn't the issue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Human imprinting determines our sexuality. Both virgin means you sound like God fearing people. Her mom most likely had the same problem and imprinted it into her daughter. Sexual childhood abuse would do the same thing. 

Try this. Buy books, video's and teach yourself how to give a "Yoni" massage. Read the fine print. The goal isn't to have her have a orgasm. Hopefully she will have a drink or two before the massage. After you have given the body massage and your on the yoni part. Its very important you avoid the clitoris and the G-spot! You need to learn to brush over the G-spot to and feel it swell. Remember the breathing and relaxing. She must learn to relax and you need to learn when she is turned on. 

Hopefully she loves and trust you and you have that in your favor. Don't be afraid of Tantra Sex teaching its not a religion. Just people trying to have better sex and they are very good at it. They share their knowledge for profit.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm a woman who doesn't orgasm with dh, but it's not because I don't want to. 

It's darned hard enough to want to have an orgasm and have it happen, but if you don't want one or don't care about having one - forget it. 

Perhaps Fozzy will see your message - he is in the same situation. He did get his wife to have one at last and I believe her response was - eh.

You cannot make her want to have an orgasm. Why doesn't she want them - who knows. 

1) Could be sexual abuse. I have a friend married over 20 yrs, never had an orgasm with DH. He wanted to, pushed her to for a long time and she refused to give it a go. She says this is because she was raped as a young teen and she cannot open herself up like that because of it. (She does have orgasms by herself though, so it's possible.) 

2) There are many women here who have orgasms every time they have sex and still feel their drives are very low. So you might be incorrect thinking orgasms will make your wife want more sex. 

3) A womans sexual response is largely in the brain. If she wont let herself be vulnerable to you, you won't have any success getting her there. If she is just tolerating your efforts that isn't going to turn into an orgasm. And that's on her. That's not on you. 

For 18 years I wasn't thrilled with having no orgasms with sex, but it didn't seem worth the trouble of starting to try. Sex does still feel good without an orgasm. And when you get used to your body never being fully aroused it follows the same cycle. On a scale from 1-10 with a 10 being orgasm, I would say I would hit a 5 every blue moon, maybe if we had both been drinking. Normally just a 3 though. 

Now that I am trying to have orgasms, that distance between 3 and 10 is a treacherous place with my brain saying -you're taking too long, he hates this, he's just doing this because you made him. It takes a lot of focus to not let this in and to concentrate on arousal instead. 

My problem is not the same as your wife's though. My DH was clueless to female sexuality and for some reason I never said a word for 18 years. So he, at 45 years old, is just now learning about my body and I'm having to learn to lead him. 

But I still maintain if I told him to forget the whole thing he totally would. And be relieved about it. Last month I hit a real tipping point and said NO MORE SEX if I wasn't getting off. And now I am, but if he can't make it happen then I'm doing it myself before anything else is going on. I've now probably had 15 orgasms in nearly 20 years? 

Oh, not counting the ones I did myself, which were a ton.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Now that I am trying to have orgasms, that distance between 3 and 10 is a treacherous place with my brain saying -you're taking too long, he hates this, he's just doing this because you made him. It takes a lot of focus to not let this in and to concentrate on arousal instead.


:iagree:

I struggle with this too.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A few questions to clarify so other posters can advise best.

1. "My problem is that in all the time we have been married my wife has never had an orgasm." so does this mean, she's never had an orgasm any way at all, or just not with conjugal sex?

2. (related to #1) Can she bring herself to orgasm? 
(if so, means she can orgasm, just not conjugally). 

3. How does she act during sex? You say she claims she enjoys it; do you think that's true? is she animated, into it, make sounds, or is she just a passive body? Does she ask for sex (you say you have to beg?)

final thoughts. though i'm no female, i have heard that many women have trouble or cannot orgasm, especially during piv sex.
I know you're obsessed and torturing yourself, but try to take a deep breath.

for the record, my wife claims she doesn't know whether she orgasms or not. She's totally animated, into it, looks like she's in ectasy, trembles, exudes fluid, asks for it all the time. In fact she has told me a number of times that "I wish I could make me feel as good as you make me feel"

so she must enjoy it and yet claims she's not 'sure'?. 

Maybe women's orgasms maybe aren't quite as cut and dry, or as defined as men's? it's obviously not the same feeling.
we know because our gun goes off.


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## just another joe (Oct 21, 2014)

I have thought about the abuse thing (the symptoms do fit) but I doubt that she would keep it a secret from me if it had ever happened.

Now her mother on the other hand is a bit of a nut job. It would be a shame if she had to take the blame for yet another struggle in our marriage.

As for "with my brain saying -you're taking too long, he hates this, he's just doing this because you made him. It takes a lot of focus to not let this in and to concentrate on arousal instead" that could be what she is thinking too. Thing is the whole time I am thinking, "how much longer is she going to let me do this, it is such a turn on!" If she just lets out a moan or shows any sign of pleasure my heart races and I could go forever, at least if its my tongue or fingers doing the work.


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## just another joe (Oct 21, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> A few questions to clarify so other posters can advise best.
> 
> 1. "My problem is that in all the time we have been married my wife has never had an orgasm." so does this mean, she's never had an orgasm any way at all, or just not with conjugal sex?
> 
> ...


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

just another joe said:


> Thing is the whole time I am thinking, "how much longer is she going to let me do this, it is such a turn on!" If she just lets out a moan or shows any sign of pleasure my *heart races and I could go forever*, at least if its my tongue or fingers doing the work.


:smthumbup:

Jealous. Bravo!

Here is what I would do if I was in your situation.

First, you need to be more assertive. Make several sessions about her, all about her. Slow sessions. Don't let her rush you. Romance her through the day. Maybe draw her a bubble bath and pamper her, wash her hair. Then give her a slow massage, don't touch the "good areas" except to maybe just "accidentally" brush against when your moving your hands somewhere.

Kiss her all over. Play wrestle or tickle if that is your thing. Pin her down and whisper naughtily into her ear. After she is yearning for you to get a move on, tease a bit. Kiss the yummy bits lightly or lick, then move into something else. Make her beg. 

Perform oral on her. Slowly. If she protests, too bad. Be assertive! *No begging, just tell her no, and to hold still.* When your down there, make sure to make comments like, "mmm you taste so good."

If your more confident in your manual skills than oral then you can switch to that after a while if you like. Don't pressure her, but just take things slow, and don't let her push you or rush you. That is the main point.

This entire encounter should be at least an hour, preferably more. 

If it doesn't work, that's okay. Try again another day! But make sure you are often focusing the sessions on her. It can take a long time to get aroused enough to orgasm, especially if she has never had one. And she will be uncomfortable about it being about her the first few times. So don't except it to happen right away.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

In the words of Dave Mustaine--

Hello me, it's me again.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Also I'll be honest. When I first got married we didn't know what we were doing. I wasn't having orgasms, and I really wanted too. After about 3 months, one day I realized sex felt a little different, but not much. And I thought... wait, is that an orgasm? 

Well it was. But since I didn't know what to expect, it had slipped under the radar. Who knows, I could have had them several times before I even realized.

Some women have to cultivate and work for their orgasms. I do. If one just sneaks out they aren't nearly as strong as when I tighten, and prepare for them. It takes a while to learn and get good at it! Don't lose hope.

Even now there are days when I am like, wait... did I just have one? Others make me get light headed. 

The first step is to be assertive and not let her rush the foreplay. She will never get there with quickies. 

After she has had one, it will take lots of practice to perfect it! 

Have fun!


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

I Agree with TCW... relax her, then assure her the whole way that you are loving it, without letting her feel pressure. Honestly, maybe you should be making more happy sounds than her while she is getting attention.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Redheadguy said:


> I Agree with TCW... relax her, then assure her the whole way that you are loving it, without letting her feel pressure. Honestly, maybe you should be making more happy sounds than her while she is getting attention.


:iagree:

If I am struggling to get over the hump, just hearing my husband moan or say something like, "you make me so hard." Is enough to send me over the edge. It arouses me to know I'm desirable, and that I arouse him... Oh course, all women are not same, but it's certainly worth a try.


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## just another joe (Oct 21, 2014)

Great stuff! Thanks everyone! Curious Wife I Will follow your instructions to the letter, and hopefully when I make my move to go south I wont find the border has been closed and she can be persuaded to let me go. The trick will be to have her really wanting something, anything at that point right?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

just another joe said:


> Great stuff! Thanks everyone! Curious Wife I Will follow your instructions to the letter, and hopefully when I make my move to go south I wont find the border has been closed and she can be persuaded to let me go. The trick will be to have her really wanting something, anything at that point right?


She doesn't need to be persuaded....

Tell her how it is, be dominate!  

No begging, whining, asking, pleading, etc. Just go for it. If she says no or tries to get away, be firm. Pin her down. Don't rape her. But for pete's sake, be alpha and say, "sorry baby, but I'm going to ravish you and there is nothing you can do about it." Be sexy about it of course though.

Yes the point would be to have enough foreplay to get her really wanting you by then. The more aroused and turned on she is from the foreplay, the easier orgasms are.

ETA: Make sure you take a bubble bath with her or a shower beforehand so she has no reason to be self conscious about smell or taste. That will help a lot!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Also I'll be honest. When I first got married we didn't know what we were doing. I wasn't having orgasms, and I really wanted too. After about 3 months, one day I realized sex felt a little different, but not much. And I thought... wait, is that an orgasm?
> 
> Well it was. But since I didn't know what to except, it had slipped under the radar. Who knows, I could have had them several times before I even realized.
> 
> ...


This is illuminating. Also reinforces my thinking that women's orgasms are dissimilar to men's in that there may not necessarily be a 'bang' moment. Is there such thing as a 'soft' or 'gentle' orgasm, maybe? Maybe why some women are just not sure.

maybe your wife has had but not knowing cause she's waiting for a gong to sound. She sounds like she actually enjoys it.

take heart my friend


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

interesting aside to me, my current wife and ex both told me in 18 years and 34 years respectively in their former marriages they only orgasmed once with their ex husbands.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> 2) There are many women here who have orgasms every time they have sex and still feel their drives are very low. So you might be incorrect thinking orgasms will make your wife want more sex.
> .


Ah, I see you know my wife! :rofl:

She easily has 3 or more orgasms every time we have sex, and her drive is unaffected by that. She is mid to LD. If i did not initiate, there would be no sex. 

As far as the OP...well you need to be creative and figure out what it does take to get her off. Maybe she needs you to do her dressed in a clown suit, maybe she needs bondage and discipline, maybe she wants you to play guitar and sing love ballads...there IS something that turns her on...you just ain't singing that tune yet. DON'T give up, work harder.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> This is illuminating. Also reinforces my thinking that women's orgasms are dissimilar to men's in that there may not necessarily be a 'bang' moment. Is there such thing as a 'soft' or 'gentle' orgasm, maybe? Maybe why some women are just not sure.
> 
> maybe your wife has had but not knowing cause she's waiting for a gong to sound. She sounds like she actually enjoys it.
> 
> take heart my friend


Yes. Every orgasm feels different to me.

Some come out quickly and are weak, or gentle.

Some take a long time to build, and usually those are a lot more work, but they have a bigger "bang."

If they are too much work to have, then by the time they get there, I'm too tired and my muscles are exhausted so they don't have quite the oomph. 

Some are more like waves, and can last a long time, but not necessarily have a defining moment. 

Lots of variety. And a lot of factors go into what kind it will be. My monthly cycle has the biggest affect on them. But foreplay, and passion can also alter things. It takes a while to figure all that out, and be able to have more control over them.

TMI?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't understand why you own this problem.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

For the same reasons I own it.

1. You want this for your wife.

2. If you can't do this for your wife, society (men AND women) tell you that you're a ridiculous failure as a lover, man, and human being. How often do you read "I DON'T LET LOOSE UNTIL MAH WOMAN DOES--SIX TIMES!!!" or something similar? The subtext is clear.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> For the same reasons I own it.
> 
> 1. You want this for your wife.
> 
> 2. If you can't do this for your wife, society (men AND women) tell you that you're a ridiculous failure as a lover, man, and human being. How often do you read "I DON'T LET LOOSE UNTIL MAH WOMAN DOES--SIX TIMES!!!" or something similar? The subtext is clear.


I theory that sort of makes emotional sense. But it's not solve-able that way. Her dysfunction is hers.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> This is illuminating. Also reinforces my thinking that women's orgasms are dissimilar to men's in that there may not necessarily be a 'bang' moment. Is there such thing as a 'soft' or 'gentle' orgasm, maybe? Maybe why some women are just not sure.
> 
> maybe your wife has had but not knowing cause she's waiting for a gong to sound. She sounds like she actually enjoys it.
> 
> take heart my friend


 

Just as an illustration that all women are probably different. I've never been unsure if I had an orgasm. They are strong, unmistakeable, wipe the whole world out kind of orgasms. Now that I'm getting older they can go on for a really long time, too.

HOWEVER - it takes a good 20 minutes of consistent manual clitoral stimulation to get there. I have a very strong vibrator, it will get me there in 10 minutes. Vibrators that run on batteries - forget it, that takes about 40 min. I can do it faster by hand. 

So far DH oral has to be 30-40 min, but I continue to encourage him to increase the friction and pressure. 

So I have deduced - it's worth it to get me there BUT it doesn't happen on accident. It's never going to be like whoops, I didn't see that one coming (no pun intended). Which is how I went forever never having an orgasm with DH.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

No, you're absolutely right, it's not solveable that way. It may or may not be solveable at all. I'm just saying that's what's going on in the guy's head.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> For the same reasons I own it.
> 
> 1. You want this for your wife.
> 
> 2. If you can't do this for your wife, society (men AND women) tell you that you're a ridiculous failure as a lover, man, and human being. How often do you read "I DON'T LET LOOSE UNTIL MAH WOMAN DOES--SIX TIMES!!!" or something similar? The subtext is clear.


How is it my DH didn't ever hear this societal message? :scratchhead:

No - I've talked to a lot of women. Not all men care. Really. Not all men care, not all men are interested by it, not all men would read up on the topic or do any kind of problem solving on their own.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Not all women either, apparently. More the pity.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"She doesn't let me go down on her but once or twice a year and when I do it doesn't last more than a few minutes. Before she asks for me to enter her instead. Most of the time she only lets me because I am begging for it"

That's too bad she doesn't enjoy oral sex as there is a good chance that doing that to her would get her to orgasm. Would she let you manual stimulate her? She is like most women who don't orgasm by PIV.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> This is illuminating. Also reinforces my thinking that women's orgasms are dissimilar to men's in that there may not necessarily be a 'bang' moment. Is there such thing as a 'soft' or 'gentle' orgasm, maybe? Maybe why some women are just not sure.
> 
> maybe your wife has had but not knowing cause she's waiting for a gong to sound. She sounds like she actually enjoys it.
> 
> take heart my friend


It must be very different for different women. I have never thought "was that one?" I can most definitely tell!


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## just another joe (Oct 21, 2014)

That's too bad she doesn't enjoy oral sex as there is a good chance that doing that to her would get her to orgasm. Would she let you manual stimulate her? She is like most women who don't orgasm by PIV.[/QUOTE]

Sometimes. She has to really be fired up before she will agree to it though. But the thing is, she doesn't like me to touch her clit very much. Just fingers inside. Might be another reason she doesn't let me give oral for very long. She says its "too intense" which I would think is too much or too little pressure, but she doesn't really touch it either when she is self pleasuring.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

just another joe said:


> ....
> She says' "she is too self conscious about smells and tastes to relax and enjoy it."
> .....


IMHO, this is the key to everything.

As TCW included in her recipe, bathe her, make her feel clean, make her feel she smells good. (you already know this, but it is about her mind). Relax her. Do all you can to not give her anything to spin around in her thoughts that could shut down her being able to enjoy your ministrations. And then continue to reinforce your enjoyment and assure her of smelling and tasting good while you are having fun.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

just another joe said:


> Sometimes. She has to really be fired up before she will agree to it though. But the thing is, she doesn't like me to touch her clit very much. Just fingers inside. Might be another reason she doesn't let me give oral for very long. She says its "too intense" which I would think is too much or too little pressure, but she doesn't really touch it either when she is self pleasuring.


If she is too sensitive, put a finger on each side and rub up and down. You would be stimulating the side instead of full on top. Which is very helpful for getting good feelings without overworking or making the head tender.

Use your entire arm not just your wrist or fingers. It's hard to explain but the closest thing I can think of is a dj scratching a record.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

just another joe said:


> . We had a long honeymoon period, waiting several years to have kids. My problem is that in all the time we have been married my wife has never had an orgasm. In fact she has never had one at all. It is killing me, makes me feel like a wimpy man failure.


Yeah, I know what you're going trough since I'm walking the same path. 

My advice to you is very simple - let it go. If she is not interested like my wife is not then it's completely hopeless.

Instead, you should focus on yourself. Your self esteem should come from inside and not from the outside. Her issues are not a reflection of you. So, invest some effort into personal growth and take best you can get from the situation.

A year or two have already passed since I wrote about my situation and the orgasm thingy hasn't moved an inch but I have changed the only thing I can change - me.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> HOWEVER - it takes a good 20 minutes of consistent manual clitoral stimulation to get there. I have a very strong vibrator, it will get me there in 10 minutes. Vibrators that run on batteries - forget it, that takes about 40 min. I can do it faster by hand.
> .


THAT would not be my approach in your case. I would start as far from the clit as possible. Start with some new age music, maybe a few scented candles. Almond scented oil, massaging her back, shoulders, butt, legs...really spending a good 15 minutes. Then flip over, and massage the legs, thighs, but AVOID the vag totally, go up to the belly, breasts, arms...fingers, then back to the breasts.

Really work there for a while, the whole breasts, then just the nipples, then kneading the breasts some more. Only THEN would one hand, almost accidentally, stroke by the vag. 

Then it would get more intense with the breasts, and penetrating the vag with one fingertip. then, depending on what the woman like most, concentrate on that. 

I would probably be massaging the inside of the vag pretty intensely with two fingers before it even touched the clit. then...maybe both inside and outside for a climax...maybe using my tongue and lips on the nipples too if that orgasm still remains elusive.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> THAT would not be my approach in your case. I would start as far from the clit as possible. Start with some new age music, maybe a few scented candles. Almond scented oil, massaging her back, shoulders, butt, legs...really spending a good 15 minutes. Then flip over, and massage the legs, thighs, but AVOID the vag totally, go up to the belly, breasts, arms...fingers, then back to the breasts.
> 
> Really work there for a while, the whole breasts, then just the nipples, then kneading the breasts some more. Only THEN would one hand, almost accidentally, stroke by the vag.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The faster you go for the clit the longer it takes to orgasm. Things get numb after a long time of vigorous stimulation. You don't want that.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

there are all sorts of orgasms. Shallow one that are over in 10 seconds, and massive body shaking ones that take time to erupt, like a dormant volcano. if you have the time and patience, waken that volcano


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> She doesn't need to be persuaded....
> 
> ETA: Make sure you take a bubble bath with her or a shower beforehand so she has no reason to be self conscious about smell or taste. That will help a lot!


I once read an article about LD women, and one of them said that she is terrified when her husband starts preparing her bubble bath and trying to "relax" her - she knew where this was going!


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

I feel as if I need to print the prior posts and take them into bed with me as cliff notes the next time my wife and I make love. I'm sure trying all of the above woulnd't hurt ???


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Just wanted to add, when going down, be sure to maintain that this is something you really enjoy doing... regardless of what she is doing. Try not to fall into the trap of "I love doing this because you love this." Some women translate this as being a demand for their response - pressure. That it's not going down that you like, it's her response... and so their brain gets in the way thinking they have to try to give you the response you seem to want. Is your wife a "pleaser"? I have built up an association between this behavior and women who are big into acts of service and pleasing me. It's like their default state of mind is in trying to please me and make me happy. So when your behavior implies your happiness hinges on an orgasm you give them, they get all sorts of messed up trying really hard to have an orgasm instead of just focusing on the moment, the feeling they have, letting go, and have it come to them. That service minded thought of "have an orgasm for him" takes their mind away from themselves and what they feel and they stay in the service/pleasing mind. Eventually getting irritated that THEY can't perform (compare it to how we feel with whiskey d*ck when she's ready to go; I suspect this is the level of frustration involved for them). Suddenly, they have a sort of female performance anxiety.

I've been with several women who originally didn't get off because of this sort of anxiety and body insecurity. The reliable trick for me was in how I framed things. Specifically that I'm not trying to get her off. To avoid any implication that I'm doing this TO get her off. It's important that she believe I'm going down on her because I love going down on her whether she gets off or not. Phrases like "I love how you taste" and being enthusiastic about it really matter. You really have to avoid the perception that your action demands a response, or she'll have a hard time getting/staying in the right frame of mind. And if she doesn't get off, avoid any expression of disappointment. Maintain enthusiasm like that was still the greatest thing ever... because you got to do what you enjoy: going down.

Sooner or later, all but one of those I've been with who have related to me that they just never get off, has come around in spite of previous track record (the one could get off vaginally, but never orally; just so nobody thinks I imagine I'm Don Juan, I'm referring specifically to women who have told me they never get off, usually to head off my having expectations of them - as if to avoid my disappointment; I'm sure there are others who didn't get off, and there are many who didn't get off every single time). If she never does have an orgasm, again... don't make a thing of it other than to make sure she's as relaxed in advance and open to receiving. Enjoy it for its own sake and hopefully remove the pressure. In the end, you're responsible for the environment and stimuli... but it's HER orgasm, not something she has FOR you.

I'm of the opinion that the first rule of getting her orgasm is you don't talk about getting her orgasm... unless she's already having them . You listen, you experiment... but don't build it up into a goal as if she has to have one to make YOU happy. The more she gets worried or feels pressure to have one, even if by comments/question as simple as "did you get off?" or "you didn't get off?" ... the less likely she is to have one.

Regardless of societal view, try not to tie your value as a sexual partner up in her ability orgasm. A tall order sometimes, I know. But one that I think these "pleaser" minded women can sniff on a man. Just be happy with her and happy to do, whether she gets off or not. Make it a non-issue because YOU just LIKE going down.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

:iagree:

My husband did this to me yesterday where I felt very pressured to have an orgasm. Which of course made it harder. When I couldn't perform and he showed his distaste I felt guilty. 

He will get upset if I can't finish. I know he will take it personally.


Don't make that the focus. Or at least don't tell her.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

One more thing since I tend to prefer specific tactical advice... as of yet, there is not a single woman I've been unable to get off using the longhorns approach.

You know the Texas "hook 'em horns" Longhorns hand gesture? Pinky and index up, middle and ring fingers down to thumb. Turn it upside down, Middle and ring fingers go inside, thumb and/or heel of hand applies clit pressure. Movement is a bit forward/back than just in and out. Some also react very well to a bit of pressure on the anterior wall of the vagina... so press a bit toward the pads of your fingers when fully inserted.

Oh... and start slow. Might even be best to use this as a follow up from oral. Best thing is, its not an uncomfortable position... the muscles used are major arm muscles that don't tire as easily, and your other hand is free to wander about. 

I'm sure it doesn't work for someone, but I haven't met her yet.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

And yet, if a man said to me we were going to go till it happened - that would relax me. 

My problem is not that I can't. My problem is that I have years of evidence that DH could take it or leave it. I don't believe he wants to work for it. 

I feel as though if I can't orgasm quickly it's just asking too much. 

He says with his mouth that it is important, but I don't get the same message non verbally.

So it's not that I am incapable. It's like I, a child of the 70's, can manage with my smartphone. I can use it. It does what I need it to do. But I'm not that interested in all its capabilities or how it works. That is kind of how my DH is with my sexuality.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Is it enough for you to tell him not to stop? That's pretty key for me. Regardless of level of interest, absent feedback, at some point we're having to arbitrarily determine a stopping point if she hasn't O'd. It can't go on forever! ;P I'll usually say something before or during... pretty generic honestly... "You like that?" "You want some more?" "How does that feel?" "That feel good?"

Hard to explain but I use them as much as statements as I do questions - as if a question you know the answer to. But what I'm really trying to do is encourage her to give feedback. "Yes. Don't stop. Harder. There! Just like that! Don't stop." It's sometimes difficult to figure where a woman is at along the scale, and in my experience, they're more unhappy when they perceive me as "beating a deadhorse" (forgive the analogy, best I had! lol) hell bent on getting her off than they are if I just move on / try something else.

The "don't stops" are particularly important if no other feedback. We have to have something to indicate when something is working for you, and just need to be maintained while you build. So prior to stopping, I'll actually change pace, often slow down, become more sensual. Most of the women I've been with have given a "possessed by demons" reaction if they were well on their way and want more.

Or is it already too much of a downer to know he's really not interested in working for it?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> One more thing since I tend to prefer specific tactical advice... as of yet, there is not a single woman I've been unable to get off using the longhorns approach.
> 
> You know the Texas "hook 'em horns" Longhorns hand gesture? Pinky and index up, middle and ring fingers down to thumb. Turn it upside down, Middle and ring fingers go inside, thumb and/or heel of hand applies clit pressure. Movement is a bit forward/back than just in and out. Some also react very well to a bit of pressure on the anterior wall of the vagina... so press a bit toward the pads of your fingers when fully inserted.
> 
> ...


I have.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> And yet, if a man said to me we were going to go till it happened - that would relax me.
> 
> My problem is not that I can't. My problem is that I have years of evidence that DH could take it or leave it. I don't believe he wants to work for it.
> 
> ...


I guess I worded that funny.

I actually enjoy when he says he will keep going until I get mine. It makes me think he cares.

It's just the way he implies it, or the way his pushes it sometimes. 

Such as if I don't get mine, then he will pout and hide under the covers and say he is a failure, or that he shouldn't get to finish because he doesn't deserve it... No one should have that much pressure.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

When I start to panic that it is taking too long I will ask if he is ok. I usually also say I'm sorry it's taking so long because that is how I feel.

I'm happy to give him feedback. He doesn't ask for any. 

Like someone else said (maybe another thread). It's the difference between someone who WILL give you an orgasm and someone who WANTS to give you one. 

I don't sense malice in his lack of interest. It just isn't there. Would he feel the same with another woman? Don't know. I think it's lack of knowledge and lack of desire to acquire that knowledge. 

Although this is a hijack because OP problem is the opposite of mine.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I have.


I gotta think such a woman would have difficulty having an orgasm any which way. Was that the case? 

This is a "go to" move for me because it covers almost all the bases... even better if you have thick fingers (I have skinny boy fingers ). haha


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

skinny fingers here also. Additionally, I had an accident once that squished the tip of my middle finger on my right hand. They rebuilt it, but it left me with a hooked nail on that side. I'm limited to my less dextrous hand to avoid ouchies because of that. You know how pretty much anything you do with your off-hand seems stupidly clumsy? yeah.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> When I start to panic that it is taking too long I will ask if he is ok. I usually also say I'm sorry it's taking so long because that is how I feel.
> 
> I'm happy to give him feedback. He doesn't ask for any.
> 
> ...


He'd feel the same with another woman once the novelty wore off, even if not immediately.

Rather than panicking or apologizing for taking as long as you take - meaning your mind isn't free to be where it needs to be - in fact making you take even longer... can you tell him up front? "Don't stop until she pops!"

That way you determine when it ends. Either by realizing it's not building and so stopping him... or just saying "don't stop". You don't have to apologize, and shouldn't feel the need to. Maybe it would help your mindset to know in advance that he's signed up for the long haul well aware this is going to take a few.

I don't have advice for the WILL vs WANT thing.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> You know how pretty much anything you do with your off-hand seems stupidly clumsy? yeah.


My mind just pictured sex as awkward as I throw left handed, along with some special ed grunts for effect. lol

Point taken.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That's been the problem since I had my first orgasm with him after 18 ,years. I will give him the out and he will always take the out. Then I realized it had been 4 months since I'd had one. 

What good is it to know you are making someone keep at it till it happens? 

(Rhetorical question) 

Just within the past month I said no sex unless I get off. Because I couldn't take it any more. So he did make it happen once and then since then he's put in some effort and then asked for me to finish with the vibe. 

This should be fine? I don't feel like I can ask him for anything on top of that? 

But it's not. Enough.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> That's been the problem since I had my first orgasm with him after 18 ,years. I will give him the out and he will always take the out. Then I realized it had been 4 months since I'd had one.
> 
> What good is it to know you are making someone keep at it till it happens?
> 
> ...


I can totally relate to the "out" and I know how much that sucks. Did that with my ex wife and sex in general. I started getting the vibe that she should could take it or leave it, and that didn't feel too great. So I started offering "outs". Various things I'd throw out to basically give her the option of not having sex, which in some kind of weird way I used to gauge whether she was even interested or not (because she was rarely a pursuer, and even when she pursued there was a "for me" vibe to it). So I started always giving her an out, and she always took it. Soon thereafter, I didn't want to have sex with her anymore. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want them? 

I totally get that "want" thing and it's a sucky position to be in. 

If there's good advice for how to manage a lack of "want-to-do" from your partner, I don't know it. What I can say, at least in my experience, is that when you know they don't actually "want" to do something, pretty soon, you don't even want that thing from them even when you know they "will" do it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yep, that's pretty much where it is at my house these days. I had surgery a few days ago. DH took off work, is caring for me, doing everything I usually do. I never question that he cares for me or.loves me. He supports me, provides for me, he's fun to be around. Next week he planned a romantic get away for the two of us. By that point it will be 3 weeks since we will have had sex. He will assume I can just flip it on. Perhaps even incorrectly assume I will be dying to get at him. 

Nobody in my life would take me seriously if I left him for this. Which makes me wonder if I could go through with it. Because there's so much good, so many reasons to just try to get over it. 

Human beings are funny that way. That's for sure. 

Thanks for the listening ear. This is really the only place I have to unload or feel understood.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> When I start to panic that it is taking too long I will ask if he is ok. I usually also say I'm sorry it's taking so long because that is how I feel.
> 
> I'm happy to give him feedback. He doesn't ask for any.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I sadly do the same EXACT thing. I apologize usually several times throughout sex, and ask if he wants to stop.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Yep, that's pretty much where it is at my house these days. I had surgery a few days ago. DH took off work, is caring for me, doing everything I usually do. I never question that he cares for me or.loves me. He supports me, provides for me, he's fun to be around. Next week he planned a romantic get away for the two of us. By that point it will be 3 weeks since we will have had sex. He will assume I can just flip it on. Perhaps even incorrectly assume I will be dying to get at him.
> 
> Nobody in my life would take me seriously if I left him for this. Which makes me wonder if I could go through with it. Because there's so much good, so many reasons to just try to get over it.
> 
> ...


Spot on!

My husband does the same thing. He cares for me in so many other ways. So I know he loves me. And we won't have sex for a while, but then expects me to just flip the switch. Which is very hard to do.

I also agree that no one would take me seriously if I left him for it. I think my own husband would laugh if I told him I was divorcing him. Heck. I might even laugh. It just seems crazy. 

We are so well matched in everything else and are best friends. You are right that there are many reasons just to man up and get over it. But at the same time, the issue nags at you. 

It's a stinky predicament. And it freaks me out how much our situations are similar. I feel like our husbands could be twins. They seem to have the exact same mindset. 

It's hard to make other people understand, they just don't grasp it. 

And there I go. Thread jacking... oops


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Funny how we all come here for different initial reasons, yet end up discovering the same root cause: we picked low drive, low passion spouses.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Ladies! Stop apologizing for taking awhile!

Instead of apologizing, simply provide him feedback that you're really enjoying what he's doing. For one thing, sexual apologies never make anything better. Also, what he's likely to hear when you apologize for taking awhile is "I'm sorry you can't get me off more quickly." For a man to give his best, he has to take pride in it, and taking pride is often derived from his perception of how well he's doing. A nice little feedback loop.

Your best bet is to simply encourage. It takes as long as it takes. If you're enjoying it, just tell him you like it, and tell him not to stop. This time is your time. Think selfishly during it and don't feel bad for doing so. Would you want to hear him apologize for not cumming quickly enough during a bj? Probably not. You want him to be like "Omg, this is great! Whatever you do don't stop!"

Sex apologies are a no no, that often make something more unappealing than it was before the apology. Compare it to the guy who apologizes for cumming too soon. It doesn't make it better... but it makes more of a "thing" of it.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Ladies! Stop apologizing for taking awhile!
> 
> Instead of apologizing, simply provide him feedback that you're really enjoying what he's doing. ...
> 
> ....Your best bet is to simply encourage. It takes as long as it takes. If you're enjoying it, just tell him you like it, and tell him not to stop.


Exactly! I WANT her to enjoy it as much as possible, it is the path and time together, not just the destination.


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