# How to cope with a sexless marriage?



## Sleepless Red (Feb 16, 2012)

I will start off by asking that those with helpful ideas on how to get my spouse to have sex, or tell me to get a divorce kindly not comment. I will not leave my family.

It is obvious that there are many people, men and women, in my shoes. Iam married to a caring wife and a good mother who sees sex as a chore or something, and would rather just use her hands every two months and call it a day.

Since I hate guilt sex and after reading about how common this situation is I need to know how those of us on the denied side find ways of coping with it.

I don't want be laying in bed at night frustrated with her asking me what is wrong anymore. I need to find something that fills this void in my life. 

Are you in a sexless marriage? How do you cope? How do you make your life not so, I don't even know the word to use. Porn doesn't work and trying to deny this feeling is just making me loose sleep and get mad at her. I need some real options as I tried what I can come up with on my own.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you will get a lot of suggestions like start exercising, find hobbies, etc...

The problem is that whiled you are doing that, your basic sexual needs aren't being taken care of. Masturbation will only get you so far and eventually, you will be frustrated and resentful that you are providing what your wife needs in the relationship but the you feel she is not.

Talk is the only option. Tell her you promised monogamy but not celibacy and it is up to her to figure out what she can do about it.

Marriage counseling, sex therapy, individual counseling and a visit to her primary care physician should be on the list of what she needs to do.

Now, all this assumes that YOU are doing what you need to do in the marriage. If you have only paid attention to her when you wanted sex, or you've gained 60 pounds, or your hobbies and play times with your buddies don't leave a lot of time for non-sexual intimacy with your wife, YOU'VE got to address those issues.


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## Sleepless Red (Feb 16, 2012)

Seriously, I know I am a good husband, I am reasonably fit, I am doing a Tough Mudder this year, and I am attentive. 

Assume, for this thread, that the issue is not the why, but how to cope in a way that will keep those of us in this situation from being so dissapointed or frustrated all of the time.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I think you will get a lot of suggestions like start exercising, find hobbies, etc...
> 
> The problem is that whiled you are doing that, your basic sexual needs aren't being taken care of. Masturbation will only get you so far and eventually, you will be frustrated and resentful that you are providing what your wife needs in the relationship but the you feel she is not.
> 
> ...


Very good advise. Talk to your wife. You can not solve your problem without your wife
I had a situation like yours. I would always get the sighs, the leave me alone I am tired. So, I started talking outside the bedroom. I never threatened divorce. I did tell my wife that sex was a small part of marriage but a very powerful and important part of the marriage. She had the attitude that all I cared about was sex. I countered that comment and said not true. It is not about the physical part of the sex it was the emotional connection I felt with her. If all I needed was physical gratification I would be masterbating and having multiple PA's. 
I also told her she had a responsibility to the marriage to figure out what was wrong, discuss it with me, and together we would fix it.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Talk is the only option. Tell her you promised monogamy but not celibacy and it is up to her to figure out what she can do about it.
> 
> Marriage counseling, sex therapy, individual counseling and a visit to her primary care physician should be on the list of what she needs to do.


Go outside and find a rock. Sit down across from the rock and tell it that talk is the only option, that you didn't get married for celibacy, and that it needs to change, go to counseling, and a physician. Then look at that rock's reaction. My bet is that most of the people in sexless marriages here get that same reaction when talking to their refusing spouses about the lack of sex. I.e., no reaction at all.

To the OP, how to deal, I wish I knew. Honestly I don't think there really is any way to deal with it. You just suffer and remind yourself that life could be worse.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If divorce is not an option, and if trying to get your wife to get into it is not an option, then it would seem that your only choice is to get the idea of sex out of your head.

Yes, the dreaded sex-replacement-hobby...

Won't you consider trying to at least get your wife to see how important this is to you?


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## Sleepless Red (Feb 16, 2012)

We have discussed it. Promises and resolutions don't work even in the short term. Talked about it with her, with her and a councillor, with myself and a councillor.

You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Other than the obvious of trying to discover if there's a problem that CAN be addressed, there's nothing to do about it. Why? Because there's two kinds of dysfunctional crippling people in the world. Those who torture you because they want to make you unhappy for something specific or definable they believe you did to them. And people who are psychopaths.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't know...get something else to occupy your mind, I suppose. My husband isn't into it much either, but I'm not at the 'I give up' stage yet.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Sleepless Red said:


> We have discussed it. Promises and resolutions don't work even in the short term. Talked about it with her, with her and a councillor, with myself and a councillor.
> 
> You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.


Search for the Thermostat thread (I believe it is in the Men's Clubhouse) and consider implementing some of what it teaches. Essentially, it involves backing off (or cooling down) on some of the things you do for you wife to meet her needs in an effort to balance the contributions you are both making to the marriage relationship (not just raising the kids but in interacting with each other). This may include less non-sexual touching, less being around her, fewer gifts, etc.

The benefits include:

1. Not smothering her. Too much meeting of her needs may be causing her to try to get away because she feels smothered. Backing off gives her some space.

2. Gives her an opportunity to do some work in the relationship. If, for example, you always say “I love you” first, she gets out of the habit of doing it. No different than any other task, like laundry or cooking a meal.

3. Most importantly for you, lessens the opportunity for resentment. You are meeting her needs and probably feel she is not meeting her part of the marriage bargain. By reducing the amount that you do, you are getting closer to a point where you both contribute equally. This can lessen frustration and resentment.

There are a couple of potential benefits, as well as pitfalls here. Your wife will likely notice and ask what is wrong. You need her to be specific as to what is bothering her. Once she raises the issue of you stepping back, tell her that since you don’t feel that your needs are considered that important, you are stepping back to concentrate on you more. Keep calm and collected while saying that and don’t stray to far from that.

Sometimes, this will spur spouses to up their game, so to speak. Other times, they will get angry and try to blame you. Others will be happy with the new balance since you are no longer after them and they no longer feel guilty. I don’t know your wife, so can’t really guess which way it will go, but doing this may help you better deal with her rejection.

Good luck.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

THIS place comes up a lot in these threads and for good reason. It contains the best advice I've come across for this sort of situation.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> If divorce is not an option, and if trying to get your wife to get into it is not an option, then it would seem that your only choice is to get the idea of sex out of your head.
> 
> Yes, the dreaded sex-replacement-hobby...


Yeah, that does suck. It is less fulfilling and it risks having his wife say in a few years "I'm considering divorcing my husband".

To the OP, I do not believe you can end your sex drive. It is a biological impulse, not a choice. I read a book (at my ex's request) that insists if you shut out all sexual stimulus (masturbation, media, women IRL) your drive falls off. You can try, but I suspect you have and it simply did not work.

So you have two choices. You can "suck it up" (endure your situation and continue to selflessly serve your wife in sacrifice, which is what the aforementioned book promotes and what my ex wanted from me). The key to making this work is to do it without any outward hint of pain of loss or resentment.

The other choice is to get a hobby, go out with your friends, play sports, etc - essentially devoting less time to her and more to yourself. The problem is that your wife may not accept this. Do this enough, and you may find she takes the decision to not break up the family out of your hands.

You are tired of being frustrated and having her ask what's wrong. Someone said that you should at least talk to her about it. I suspect that you already have and, at best, she let you vent (no offer of help) in that way that women do; at worst she copped an attitude for you "bringing up sex again".

It sounds like she senses and is bothered by your unhappiness. But, is she willing to work to make you happier? Or, does she not care as long as she does not know about it. I suspect the latter - she knows she is the problem, which makes her feel guilty and inadequate. Know that she may (will, IMO) come to resent _you_ for _making_ her feel bad.

So, at the end of the day you can try to just suck it up. But unless you can happily exist like that with genuine selflessness and sacrifice, it likely won't matter because she needs you to happily forgo sex. You can also try to get outside interests, but again you risk her resenting your distance.

Your call.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Sleepless Red said:


> Seriously, I know I am a good husband, I am reasonably fit, I am doing a Tough Mudder this year, and I am attentive.
> 
> Assume, for this thread, that the issue is not the why, but how to cope in a way that will keep those of us in this situation from being so dissapointed or frustrated all of the time.


As I said, I don't think there is much you can do to deal with the sheer sexual frustration. But you can do things about the "side effects" of being the rejected/ refused spouse, things that might keep your self esteem and self image out of the toilet (where they tend to go when you're refused). 

I don't know what a tough mudder is, but it sounds like a marathon. Keeping yourself up physically is a great step, take care of your health, try to think of whatever else might improve your self esteem. I'm not running marathons but I've been very careful not to gain weight over my marriage because I knew that would just make my self esteem even worse. Keep your mind occupied even if with something not exactly lofty like an online video game. Reach out to friends and develop a rich social life if at all possible. Don't isolate yourself.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

so you don't want to leave the marriage, but you didn't say anything about being monogamous or celibate.

how about "honey, i know you're not interested in sex with me. in that case, you must not feel that sex is an important part of marriage. if that's the case, i'm going to find it elsewhere. i'll still come home to you each night, we'll still do fun things, i'll still support you. i'll just take care of this problem myself."


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

This comment is what worked for me "There are a couple of potential benefits, as well as pitfalls here. Your wife will likely notice and ask what is wrong. You need her to be specific as to what is bothering her. Once she raises the issue of you stepping back, tell her that since you don’t feel that your needs are considered that important, you are stepping back to concentrate on you more. Keep calm and collected while saying that and don’t stray to far from that."
For me I backed off and found ways to make myself happy, when my wife noticed I was able to talk to her and she responded well.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Sleepless Red said:


> We have discussed it. Promises and resolutions don't work even in the short term. Talked about it with her, with her and a councillor, with myself and a councillor.
> 
> You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.


Well, let me ask a question I left out of my earlier post.

You say divorce is not an option. Does that mean you will not initiate a divorce, or something other than this?

Let's say pull away some and do your own thing, as was suggested before. Your wife resents this and decides to leave. Are you okay with this, or do you reverse course and try to win her back?

It's been suggested that you have a lady on the side. If you want to stay in the marriage, please do not do this. As I noted, your wife is not just denying sex but expecting you to serve her selflessly regardless.

The only other thing you can do is get an individual counselor to help you develop some coping skills.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am in your exact situation. My wife has no interest in sex at all and it took along time for me to get past it but I am passed it and it no longer bothers me! 

I started a lifting/cardio routine about 2 years ago..as a result I am in the best shape of my life (less than 10% bodyfat, can lift more weight than I could even when I was in college and can run 8 minute miles). I go the gym 5 days a week and love it (most of the time)

I go out with friends once per week after work to socialize

I try to do family activities with my wife and son on the weekends so that we get quality family time together

I read to my son every night before he goes to sleep and it's great!

I watch porn regularly to help with sexual urges. My wife is fine that I do this because it takes the burden off of her

I spend time with family when I can and I pursue hobbies of mine (especially photography)

I am not religious but I thank god everyday for my life..sounds corny I know..but after seeing several close family members pass away from cancer, I value what I have

There are probably other things that I do but this is a good start for you!

And just to be clear, I am 39 and will not get a divorce and be a part time dad just because I am not having sex with my wife. I value my time with my son as the most important thing to me and I am not willing to trade that in the hopes of finding someone else to have sex with. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

First thing is to realize it is not sex you are missing - otherwise porn/masturbation would satisfy you. It is intimacy and love. Read up on that and understand what you are missing. That is the easy part to understand exactly how you are feeling because, as you've noticed, it is not uncommon. Sex starved marriage worked for me. 

Hard part is getting your W to read/understand. To do that, you have to divorce the emotional rejection from the sexual rejection and first explain your emotional/intimacy needs are not met. Talking about this is tough because the no-sex partners become defensive and dismissive and instantly associates what you are missing with a juvenile interpretation of sex (men are horn dogs, sex is unimportant, sex is just getting off). Writing short letters or emails with links to sites helps (the first chapter of sex starved marriage is free on amazon and the author's website). Maybe out of cusiosity she'll read the links, maybe buy the book and leave it around. If she won't see, she won't see. That will help you realize it is not sex she doesn't want, she simply does not really care about you. Or, cares more about her pride of not being wrong, than she does about your marriage.

But, that is a better place to be in than having hope that is continuously disappointed. You can focus your hope on other things, or other people. Also, once you realize that your spouse does not care, it makes it easier to not care back and to not be disappointed.

I should say, my wife can be very difficult to talk to, will not take constructive criticism about anything, thought sex was just sex and not important . . . 

But, I eventually got her to see and understand, and things are getting better. It was too many years of pity sex before I realized how she was wearing me down emotionally (she was not doing it intentionally, really had no clue how deep her comments cut - e.g., I always got a hurry up and lets get this over with type comments beforehand - even if she eventually got into it). It took 6 months from when I first told her it was an intimacy not sex issue for her to start to listen - and only then when I showed her the book that explained her behavior exactly. Even then, there were subsequent fights, because she could not handle being wrong, so she would invent new reasons why she had not interest. But, now, about 1.5 months from her wakeup date, we are much better and in a place where we can almost have an adult conversation, almost.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sleepless Red said:


> You have to accept and deal at some point, and that is where I am. Just need constructive ways how so I can make my situation as rewarding as I can.



That is the problem. You can't. If the human sex drive could be so easily set aside, humanity would have been eliminated long ago. For most of our ancestors life was stressful, nasty and short yet no matter what else was happening, we still had to have a persistent and unrelenting drive to procreate. The fact that masturbation is not a real substitute, nor could it be, is an indication of how the need for sex is more profound than a need to orgasm. 

Unless you hormones give you a break, your sex drive will torment you until it goes away on its own. For a male that usually means age or poor health.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

mate good luck - im only 28 and in sexless marriage which is now ending. We are finding ways on how to split up nicely.

like me you will end up getting frustrated and stressed in the home.
We tried counselling as well, was actually refreshing yesterday with counsellor telling her it was not healthy and unacceptable and for brendan to have not have strayed in the sexless three years shows he loves you. but yeah we are over.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell her what's wrong.

Connect with her again.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> That is the problem. You can't. If the human sex drive could be so easily set aside, humanity would have been eliminated long ago. For most of our ancestors life was stressful, nasty and short yet no matter what else was happening, we still had to have a persistent and unrelenting drive to procreate. The fact that masturbation is not a real substitute, nor could it be, is an indication of how the need for sex is more profound than a need to orgasm.
> 
> Unless you hormones give you a break, your sex drive will torment you until it goes away on its own. For a male that usually means age or poor health.


I have to disagree with this. As per my post above, there are definite ways to deal with and get around this issue and still be happy with life. 

He was asking for ways to deal with the situation and I gave him some of the recommendations that worked for me.

For me, the need for sex is very profound *BUT THE NEED TO BE A FULL TIME DAD IS MUCH MORE PROFOUND* which is why I have successfully been able to get over all the hard feelings regarding being in a sexless marriage.

What it boils down to is this (for me). I have found a balance of activities in my life that allows me to be happy even while not having sex and those activities include seeing my toddler every day. Even in the best divorce circumstance I would see my son only 50% of the year...50%. I cannot imagine trading 50% of the year in order to have sex with someone..it's just not worth it in my opinion. I would rather have no sex and see my son 100% of the year versus having sex and seeing my son, at best, 50% of the year.

I am not saying that I wouldn't like to have sex with my wife..of course I would. But what I am saying is that even though sex is a big part of life, there are things (such as seeing your children grow up) that are much more important (in my opinion).

Ok...now for everyone's rebuttal...(I think these are great conversations to have on here by the way...you get to see so many different perspectives).


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> I have to disagree with this. As per my post above, there are definite ways to deal with and get around this issue and still be happy with life.
> 
> He was asking for ways to deal with the situation and I gave him some of the recommendations that worked for me.
> 
> ...


I think we only partially disagree. I remain in my marriage precisely because right now being a father is more important to me.

But I only got to this point after a very very difficult journey. My point is there is no easy solution. The prime of my sexual life is being lost and it will never come back.

There are periodically feelings of bitterness hurt and loneliness. 

Its just not easy but being a Dad is simply more important.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Lionelhutz said:


> I think we only partially disagree. I remain in my marriage precisely because right now being a father is more important to me.
> 
> But I only got to this point after a very very difficult journey. My point is there is no easy solution. The prime of my sexual life is being lost and it will never come back.
> 
> ...


Well said...and you are right. 

I will say that the periodic feeling of bitterness, hurt and loneliness do go away. The way that I know this is because one day I woke up and realized I was no longer experiencing these negative emotions and I realized I was actually happy...it was quite an exhilirating feeling!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I'm 25 years in a sexless marriage. Coping consists of masturbation, sex outside the marriage when it becomes available (only a few times over the years- this is easier for women to find than for men) And basically not dwelling on it.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Mr B said:


> I'm 25 years in a sexless marriage. Coping consists of masturbation, sex outside the marriage when it becomes available (only a few times over the years- this is easier for women to find than for men) And basically not dwelling on it.


Yes, this is in fact the reality of how many sexless marriages "survive", that and the loss of interest that comes from age. But I'm not going to flatter aging and call it "wisdom" or "patience" and it has nothing to do with the reality faced by a man in his 20s or 30s.

Also sex outside of marriage in some minds is not exactly a way of preserving the marriage. It is nothing like what I imagined married life would be. It is just incredibly sad no matter how you cut it.

When I gave up on sex with my wife, in many ways I gave up on the marriage


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I was in my late 20's when the sex stopped. My coping advice was just as valid then as it is now. For me anyway. I always knew my sex life would suffer if I got married. I just didn't realize how much.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> Well said...and you are right.
> 
> I will say that the periodic feeling of bitterness, hurt and loneliness do go away. The way that I know this is because one day I woke up and realized I was no longer experiencing these negative emotions and I realized I was actually happy...it was quite an exhilirating feeling!


To you and LionelHutz both:

I am curious as to whether your wives are okay with knowing you are bitter about the wasting of your sexuality and avoiding being with them too much.

Like I said, my wife despised my sexuality (no fault of mine). But it wasn't enough to not ask her for sex. It could have been months but if she suspected I saw porn or had some cute co-ed's eye she was incensed. Eventually, it got to the point where she resented me simply for being unhappy.

So I wanted to get other guys' experience. I'm also curious as to whether you plan to bail out when the kids grow up.


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## Chuckp47 (Nov 11, 2011)

My moment of clarity was after 6 months of not having sex, when I realized my wife put herself above me at every turn. It was an unfortunate fact that it took me 15 years to realize it. The way I dealt with it was to see a lawyer. She knows I am serious now, and btw suddenly wants sex although it is much too little, much too late. If you think a lack of sex is all that is wrong with your marriage you are fooling yourself. Talk to her, tell her that you are unwilling to live in a loveless marriage. When I did that I was laughed at and called weak. Personally I'd rather die alone than married to someone who thinks I'm a joke. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

DTO said:


> I am curious as to whether your wives are okay with knowing you are bitter about the wasting of your sexuality and avoiding being with them too much.


If you would allow me to answer this... I have brought up exactly this with my husband, usually something along the lines of, "I didn't get married expecting to be celibate..." "I'm losing the years where I should be the most sexual, to a life of not having sex..." "Do you understand what you're asking of me by refusing to have sex with me year after year," and all I get from him is a blank stare. In truth I think it's meaningless to him. I might as well be complaining about not being able to hunt turtles off the coast of Africa. If someone doesn't want sex, they won't understand the pain of not having it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sleepless Red said:


> I will start off by asking that those with helpful ideas on how to get my spouse to have sex, or tell me to get a divorce kindly not comment. I will not leave my family.
> 
> It is obvious that there are many people, men and women, in my shoes. Iam married to a caring wife and a good mother who sees sex as a chore or something, and would rather just use her hands every two months and call it a day.
> 
> ...


Hi Red ~

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get your wife to want more sex, nor tell you to get a divorce. But, I would like to see you work on YOU - to become the best possible man that you can be. 

So, for that you need a plan that you can execute on a daily basis - something that you can dedicate yourself to. The discipline of it can provide you a tremendous sense of accomplishment. You should consider the 'four squares' everyday - those are your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Everyday your plan should include physical activities to help you build the strongest and healthiest body that you can, emotional activities with your children, family, friends, and your wife where you can feel joy and contentment and laughter; mental stimulation whereby you read or tinker; and spiritual renewal whereby you meditate and contemplate and muse.

If you start to do that, consciously, everyday, day in and day out you may find a tremendous amount of joy and contentment within yourself and within your life. AND, you may find that others in your life may see that and may begin to respond to that. 

Oh - and I was curious about the part in your post that I high-lighted. When she asks you what is wrong, how do you respond? It's obvious that either you have not expressed how you really feel, or done it in such a way that she understands. Trying to express that eloquently in such a way that she could understand should be one of the things on your daily plan that you contemplate the best way to do, and then execute.

Best wishes.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

DTO said:


> To you and LionelHutz both:
> 
> I am curious as to whether your wives are okay with knowing you are bitter about the wasting of your sexuality and avoiding being with them too much.
> 
> ...


To answer your questions:

1. I am not bitter about this..I had been for quite some time but the bitterness is long gone..
2. I don't avoid time with my wife. We both work a lot but we try to spend time together during the week when we can and as a family with our son on the weekends.
3. My wife knows that I watch porn and she is totally fine with it. She knows that I have sexual needs and we agreed on me being able to watch porn whenever I want/need.
4. I have no idea what my relationship will be with my wife when my son grows up so I can't really answer this question. I can say that at this point I have no intention of doing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> To answer your questions:
> 
> 1. I am not bitter about this..I had been for quite some time but the bitterness is long gone..
> 2. I don't avoid time with my wife. We both work a lot but we try to spend time together during the week when we can and as a family with our son on the weekends.
> ...


Sounds like you have a great roommate to help you raise your son. Is that about right?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Most people don't have antagonistic relationships with roommates. Siblings though, that's a different story. I'd say my marriage is more like a sibling or step sibling relationship.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Most people don't have antagonistic relationships with roommates. Siblings though, that's a different story. I'd say my marriage is more like a sibling or step sibling relationship.


Yes, that is how I think about it. There are lot of marriages that seem to fall into a sibling relationship in many ways...right down to the "you're not the boss of me" mentality.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sounds like you have a great roommate to help you raise your son. Is that about right?


I don't look at my wife as a roommate as I have much more respect for her and love her more than I could of any roommate.

However, I think what you really mean to say is that in your opinion marriage is defined by whether or not a couple has sex. Clearly if this is your definition of marriage then in your eyes I have a roommate and not a wife. I just don't see things as black and white as that.

As I've said before, I would love to have sex with my wife...but as I said before I am not willing to be a part time dad and so I do things that make me happy with my marriage. It may not work for everyone, but it works for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Can I ask a question? Has your wife ever had the big o? 
Has she had a full physical exam with lab tests to make sure her hormones are ok? Sorry if I missed this but is she nursing? Or did she and how long has it been? 
Has she tried anything to raise her libido like talking to her dr. About taking testosterone? 
I wanted to say if her anti-depressants aren't working she should talk to her psychiatrist. They can change or add to it. I have it too and I'm on pristine and I can say it doesn't affect sex drive, I wish it did! 
I'm on a mix of three drugs and it took a year to find the right mix for me. After my kid was born my old ant depressants didn't work anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Pridtiq not pristine!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mommyinlove (Feb 17, 2012)

I have the same problem with my husband. I am the one begging for sex and he just does not want to or does not have the desire to do it. We are very young and so I do not understand why he would not have a sex drive. I am confused and need answers like you do. good luck and I hope it works for your marriage!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> I don't look at my wife as a roommate as I have much more respect for her and love her more than I could of any roommate.
> 
> However, I think what you really mean to say is that in your opinion marriage is defined by whether or not a couple has sex. Clearly if this is your definition of marriage then in your eyes I have a roommate and not a wife. I just don't see things as black and white as that.
> 
> ...


I see marriage as a relationship between two people that want to make the other happy and meet their needs. You have a need and desire for sex. Your wife does not want to make you happy and does not care to meet that need of yours. You seem willing to meet your wifes needs and want to make her happy (though you have not gone into much detail about this)

Roommates live in the same place and work together to generally make sure stuff gets done. Ideally they get along and enjoy the fact that they live together. They don't count on each other to fullfill their needs, but take care of themselves. Your wife counts on you to take care of your own needs and make yourself happy.

So I stand corrected. Your wife has a husband, while you have a roommate.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> However, I think what you really mean to say is that in your opinion marriage is defined by whether or not a couple has sex. Clearly if this is your definition of marriage then in your eyes I have a roommate and not a wife. I just don't see things as black and white as that.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To me it is that Black & White. I never thought I was going to have sex with a roommate but I thought I would have a reasonable sex life when I got married.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I see marriage as a relationship between two people that want to make the other happy and meet their needs. You have a need and desire for sex. Your wife does not want to make you happy and does not care to meet that need of yours. You seem willing to meet your wifes needs and want to make her happy (though you have not gone into much detail about this)
> 
> Roommates live in the same place and work together to generally make sure stuff gets done. Ideally they get along and enjoy the fact that they live together. They don't count on each other to fullfill their needs, but take care of themselves. Your wife counts on you to take care of your own needs and make yourself happy.
> 
> So I stand corrected. Your wife has a husband, while you have a roommate.


I can see your point. My wife meets a lot of my needs and I meet a lot of hers. Neither of us meet all of eachother's needs, however.

As I mentioned in a previous message, it would be great to have more of a sexual relationship with my wife. Maybe one day it will bother me again, who knows? Or maybe one day my wife will want to have sex with me again, who knows? I don't stress over it anymore and am fine with the situation.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Skate Daddy 9 said:


> To me it is that Black & White. I never thought I was going to have sex with a roommate but I thought I would have a reasonable sex life when I got married.


I can see your point of view. Even while we were dating, my wife never had a big sexual desire...she has pretty much always been that way so going into marriage I already knew this about her.

With that said, for awhile with me it was also very black and white. We went to two marriage counselors and I was on the verge of divorce several times because like you I thought I would have a reasonable sex life when I got married.

That hasn't happened, however...So, I have done a bunch of things to get me as happy as I can be with my life and for quite awhile now, I have been very happy with the way life is going for me. Although sex is missing from my life, it doesn't really bother me anymore...and I am no longer resentful. It may bother me again one day, who knows? But my son is a toddler right now and there is nothing more important to me then seeing him. If I get a divorce, my best case scenario is to see him 50% of the time....and that is not acceptable to me so I've done what I need to do to be happy with my life so I can see my son 100% of the time. Period.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sleepless Red said:


> I don't want be laying in bed at night frustrated with her asking me what is wrong anymore.


The answer to your question, is that when your wife asks you this, you answer her. You must be open with her what sexual fulfillment means to you. You must be open with what your expectations are in marriage. You must flat out make her choose to be the type of wife that refuses to meet your most important emotional needs even though you are meeting hers and she appreciates her life. You must make her vocalize that that she expects that in her marriage it is ok for you to meet her most important emotional needs while she refuses to meet yours. 

This has nothing to do with threatening divorce.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jeff,
You understood your situation fairly well before you married. And understood it very well before having a child. You make this statement that you each meet "some" of the others needs as if "sex" is similar to "... Fill in the blank ..". 

That is one heck of a rationalization. The drive to physically connect and prohibition against extra marital activity combine to make sex the "non replaceable" part of a marriage. You have done the classic "nice guy" thing which is to "make it about your son". In fact it isn't. Otherwise you would plan to leave when he is grown/leaves the house. You aren't. This isn't about him. It is about you accepting the idea that it is ok for your life partner to demand a life time of celibacy from you. And that is ok - if it's ok with you. Long term, most people find that to be a very toxic situation. 





Jeff74 said:


> I can see your point of view. Even while we were dating, my wife never had a big sexual desire...she has pretty much always been that way so going into marriage I already knew this about her.
> 
> With that said, for awhile with me it was also very black and white. We went to two marriage counselors and I was on the verge of divorce several times because like you I thought I would have a reasonable sex life when I got married.
> 
> That hasn't happened, however...So, I have done a bunch of things to get me as happy as I can be with my life and for quite awhile now, I have been very happy with the way life is going for me. Although sex is missing from my life, it doesn't really bother me anymore...and I am no longer resentful. It may bother me again one day, who knows? But my son is a toddler right now and there is nothing more important to me then seeing him. If I get a divorce, my best case scenario is to see him 50% of the time....and that is not acceptable to me so I've done what I need to do to be happy with my life so I can see my son 100% of the time. Period.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Jeff,
> You understood your situation fairly well before you married. And understood it very well before having a child. You make this statement that you each meet "some" of the others needs as if "sex" is similar to "... Fill in the blank ..".
> 
> That is one heck of a rationalization. The drive to physically connect and prohibition against extra marital activity combine to make sex the "non replaceable" part of a marriage. You have done the classic "nice guy" thing which is to "make it about your son". In fact it isn't. Otherwise you would plan to leave when he is grown/leaves the house. You aren't. This isn't about him. It is about you accepting the idea that it is ok for your life partner to demand a life time of celibacy from you. And that is ok - if it's ok with you. Long term, most people find that to be a very toxic situation.
> ...


I appreciate your comment and what you are saying does make some sense to me.

Maybe I will leave when my son has grown, who knows? I can't really think ahead that far right now because it's a long way away. I, however, disagree a bit with what you are saying. Just because I am not definitive on whether or not I would leave does not mean that it is not about my son..because it is all about my son and more specifically it's about me seeing my son (maybe that's a bit selfish but it's how I feel). I could leave anytime I choose but I cannot and will not trade 50% of the time that I would spend with my son for the next 14 years in order to have sex with someone else. So having said that, I think you are right. It's not about my son, it's about me and what I value most important in life.

Neither my wife or I are very emotional people but I do feel emotionally connected to my wife and though I can't speak for her I tend to think she feels the same way.

As I said before, of course I would like to have sex with my wife and I was feeling toxic and bitter about if for quite some time...but I saw a psychologist and did a lot of personal things to work through it. Can I predict the future? No. Am I sure I will never be bitter again about this? No.

But since I made my decision to stay I have chosen to be happy with life. I was in the position like so many here where I was so upset because of not having sex...and I got sick of feeling like that. I feel like I am stronger now and I can determine my own happiness. And I will not let my wife's refusal to have sex with me cause me any more despair or make me unhappy..there are so many other great things about my life. 

Is celibacy the way I want to live life? No. Is seeing my son every day while he growing the way I want to live my life? Yes. And the yes far outweighs the no. 
Would I want to be celibate for the rest of my life? No. Could I do it? Yes...but as you pointed out, maybe that will change one day after my son is older.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jeff,
I believe you are capable of being happy with the non marital part of your life.
How can you be happy with your wife? Serious question?
She seems totally comfortable completely ignoring a core need of yours. How does that "work"?

My w and I have always had a HD/LD dynamic. A big part of how we show each other love is in the "meeting in the middle".
If that wasn't the case I would NOT be ok with all the "above and beyond" stuff I do for her.

Putting it differently, if she lacked a core desire to please me, our marriage would have no chance of surviving post children.

My initial point stands. You didn't assert yourself pre marriage, pre kids and don't plan to post kid, therefore this isn't about kids.

Btw: what wil happen when child goes to college, you leave and she suddenly becomes willing?
This is the "do the minimum needed to avoid divorce" model. You ok with that?

This isn't about lust, it's about respect and the desire to please or avoid displeasing your partner.


UOTE=Jeff74;594749]I appreciate your comment and what you are saying does make some sense to me.

Maybe I will leave when my son has grown, who knows? I can't really think ahead that far right now because it's a long way away. I, however, disagree a bit with what you are saying. Just because I am not definitive on whether or not I would leave does not mean that it is not about my son..because it is all about my son and more specifically it's about me seeing my son (maybe that's a bit selfish but it's how I feel). I could leave anytime I choose but I cannot and will not trade 50% of the time that I would spend with my son for the next 14 years in order to have sex with someone else. So having said that, I think you are right. It's not about my son, it's about me and what I value most important in life.

Neither my wife or I are very emotional people but I do feel emotionally connected to my wife and though I can't speak for her I tend to think she feels the same way.

As I said before, of course I would like to have sex with my wife and I was feeling toxic and bitter about if for quite some time...but I saw a psychologist and did a lot of personal things to work through it. Can I predict the future? No. Am I sure I will never be bitter again about this? No.

But since I made my decision to stay I have chosen to be happy with life. I was in the position like so many here where I was so upset because of not having sex...and I got sick of feeling like that. I feel like I am stronger now and I can determine my own happiness. And I will not let my wife's refusal to have sex with me cause me any more despair or make me unhappy..there are so many other great things about my life. 

Is celibacy the way I want to live life? No. Is seeing my son every day while he growing the way I want to live my life? Yes. And the yes far outweighs the no. 
Would I want to be celibate for the rest of my life? No. Could I do it? Yes...but as you pointed out, maybe that will change one day after my son is older.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> If you would allow me to answer this... I have brought up exactly this with my husband, usually something along the lines of, "I didn't get married expecting to be celibate..." "I'm losing the years where I should be the most sexual, to a life of not having sex..." "Do you understand what you're asking of me by refusing to have sex with me year after year," and all I get from him is a blank stare. In truth I think it's meaningless to him. I might as well be complaining about not being able to hunt turtles off the coast of Africa. If someone doesn't want sex, they won't understand the pain of not having it.


I appreciate your input. Also, I in no way meant to imply that this was just a man problem - it just happens that it was two guys' stories who prompted my question.

I agree with you very much. When I complained about the poor sexual frequency and variety my ex would say "I would not ask you to do something so painful". Umm, excuse me? You are denying me 28 - 29 days out of the month and YOU are the one hurting?


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Jeff,
> I believe you are capable of being happy with the non marital part of your life.
> How can you be happy with your wife? Serious question?
> She seems totally comfortable completely ignoring a core need of yours. How does that "work"?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Good questions you ask..

I think the answer is that I feel happy with my wife because I no longer think having sex is a core need for me. I find that taking care of myself (porn, etc) takes care of any physical sexual needs that I have. I just feel differently than you, as I don't need her to have sex with me to show she has a "core desire to please me" because I don't need her or anyone else to completely please me in life.

Having said that, I think that I am different than you and a lot of other men here in that marriage is not the most important thing in my life. Don't get me wrong, I think marriage can be good but I'm very independent and am not a person who needs constant companionship. Maybe that's a character flaw, who knows? 

As for being about my son, as I stated earlier, it's about me not him. There is nothing that would take me away from him. Your point about what to do when he is out of the house is a good question and maybe sex will be more important to me then, who knows?

And finally, your point about respect is well taken. You are right that my wife isn't being completely respectful of me but I don't make an issue of it because I don't really care. Like I said, life goes on just fine with our without sex at this point.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jeff,
I have one suggestion for you. Re-read your posts in this thread and highlight all the potshots you have taken at anyone who handles this situation differently. 

The latest was a subtle but definite poke at people who "need constant companionship". Somewhat amusing to me, as I am home 2-3 nights on the average week. So I guess I don't need "constant" companionship. 

Nor do I need constant reassurance and support from my W over the phone while I am away each week. Nor from friends. 

As for being different - yes - we are very different. Even if I had the "will not give us seeing my kid daily" mindset, I would also have the "on their 18th birthday I am going to jettison my spouse who doesn't respect me".

But everyone is different. Some people are ok with a spouse who doesn't respect them. Just don't think you can hide that from your son as he grows up. 



Jeff74 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good questions you ask..

I think the answer is that I feel happy with my wife because I no longer think having sex is a core need for me. I find that taking care of myself (porn, etc) takes care of any physical sexual needs that I have. I just feel differently than you, as I don't need her to have sex with me to show she has a "core desire to please me" because I don't need her or anyone else to completely please me in life.

Having said that, I think that I am different than you and a lot of other men here in that marriage is not the most important thing in my life. Don't get me wrong, I think marriage can be good but I'm very independent and am not a person who needs constant companionship. Maybe that's a character flaw, who knows? 

As for being about my son, as I stated earlier, it's about me not him. There is nothing that would take me away from him. Your point about what to do when he is out of the house is a good question and maybe sex will be more important to me then, who knows?

And finally, your point about respect is well taken. You are right that my wife isn't being completely respectful of me but I don't make an issue of it because I don't really care. Like I said, life goes on just fine with our without sex at this point.[/QUOTE]


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Jeff,
> I have one suggestion for you. Re-read your posts in this thread and highlight all the potshots you have taken at anyone who handles this situation differently.
> 
> The latest was a subtle but definite poke at people who "need constant companionship". Somewhat amusing to me, as I am home 2-3 nights on the average week. So I guess I don't need "constant" companionship.
> ...


[/QUOTE]

I re-read my posts and I wasn't trying to be funny or take "potshots" at anyone here and I apologize if I came off that way. I respect each and everyone's opinion and think that we are all different.

At this point in my life I simply don't see sex as an important part of my marriage or life. I did at one time but do not anymore. I don't feel like I am missing anything and I feel my life is going very well. It might be disrespectful that my wife doesn't have sex with me..maybe you are right..but even if that's the case, I am fine with it. I really can live without sex, it's no big deal to me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jeff,
No offense taken - I didn't mean to be prickly. I do understand putting your child first. As for "sex" with a partner (as opposed to porn sex) being important/not so important my view is a bit simplistic. The physical act of "sex" isn't nearly as important as what it says about how your partner feels about you. When my W is impaired: "sick, exhausted, depressed, anxious, etc." a temporary lack of sex is a non-issue. It doesn't cause me any distress because it doesn't mean anything. During those times I focus on helping her because I love her, not because I am in a big hurry to race her back to bed. And I feel bad for HER not for me. Sex as an activity is great. The absence of it due to external factors is really not a giant deal. Like you I don't need the constant validation. What is says when she is healthy/feeling good etc. THAT is a whole nother ballgame. 

We DID have years in the first 2/3 of our marriage where there was tension over sex because I had a giant sense of entitlement - my expectation was pretty much for daily sex - which was not good and not really fair to her. And my W mostly accommodated me during that time partly because she loved me and partly to avoid destabilizing an otherwise good marriage. Though she is not a pushover so we had friction about it.

And we had a difficult couple years where her desire all but disappeared (mostly caused by MY issues) and we got into an "every 5 day" routine which reflected a good faith effort on both of our part. 

There would only be one scenario under which I could imagine staying married "post" kids to a woman who expected me to be celibate. I was financially WAY, WAY better off with her. Even then it is a stretch to imagine doing so. Largely because I am not willing to be "attached" to a woman who is clearly NOT "attached" to me. And the celibacy thing is not a case of her failing to understand how this impacts you, rather it is an unambiguous statement of how she feels about you as a H. 


I re-read my posts and I wasn't trying to be funny or take "potshots" at anyone here and I apologize if I came off that way. I respect each and everyone's opinion and think that we are all different.

At this point in my life I simply don't see sex as an important part of my marriage or life. I did at one time but do not anymore. I don't feel like I am missing anything and I feel my life is going very well. It might be disrespectful that my wife doesn't have sex with me..maybe you are right..but even if that's the case, I am fine with it. I really can live without sex, it's no big deal to me.[/QUOTE]


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> I think the answer is that I feel happy with my wife because I no longer think having sex is a core need for me. I find that taking care of myself (porn, etc) takes care of any physical sexual needs that I have. I just feel differently than you, as I don't need her to have sex with me to show she has a "core desire to please me" because I don't need her or anyone else to completely please me in life.


Glad this works out for you. I would note that your is a fairly rare situation in that your wife is fine with you using porn. Most seem to be insecure about their sexual refusal and would strongly dislike their husbands for using porn, if not leave them over it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DTO,
This simply isn't true. Most "refusers" know they are in the wrong. While they are resistant to sex and might throw a big fit initially over porn, it is rare they actually leave over it. 

And the reason for that is simple. MOST refusers like the status quo. They are staying for all the non-sexual things (most often financial support) they get from it. They sure aren't staying because they desire/respect their partner. Since they "don't" respect/love their partner - the fit over porn is more a power play of "I own you" than a genuine "you are hurting my feelings" type reaction. 

A W who has a good sexual relationship with her H, SHE might leave him over porn but that is because she feels she is doing her part and it seems that it isn't "good enough" for him. And that can be insulting/hurtful enough to "bring down the house". A failed power play over HIS self behavior - not so much. A bluff sure. But an actual divorce - no. 




DTO said:


> Glad this works out for you. I would note that your is a fairly rare situation in that your wife is fine with you using porn. Most seem to be insecure about their sexual refusal and would strongly dislike their husbands for using porn, if not leave them over it.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> DTO,
> This simply isn't true. Most "refusers" know they are in the wrong. While they are resistant to sex and might throw a big fit initially over porn, it is rare they actually leave over it.
> 
> And the reason for that is simple. MOST refusers like the status quo. They are staying for all the non-sexual things (most often financial support) they get from it. They sure aren't staying because they desire/respect their partner. Since they "don't" respect/love their partner - the fit over porn is more a power play of "I own you" than a genuine "you are hurting my feelings" type reaction.
> ...



I think it's worth adding that there are women who would not merely throw an initial sh1tfit over porn, but continue to throw sh1tfits on an ongoing basis.

The reaction is based on wanting to maintain the status quo, but also saying "I don't like this, and I want you to know I don't like, and not to forget it, and hopefully if I keep on at you you'll give up all this nasty sex-related stuff and just want a cup of tea like nice people".


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## goin_crazy (Feb 24, 2012)

i have been in a sexless marriage for almost 18 months now and im at wits end my w occasionaly gives me pitty sex but under the condition that i get off asap any more than 2 mins and she lays there complaining at me to hurry up
im am at witts end with the whole situation as i said in another post iv been sexualy active since 14 im not 27 and it only since meeting my wife that i have found a reason to stay faithfull i have an issue with helping my self that i cannot finish myself if you know what i mean im depressed and basicaly starving myself and going to the gym so i can try looking better for her and as posted else where we had a talk the other day and she raised the issue of me wearing a full beard she said that she would want sex more if i didnt have it so i went and shaved that day


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Personally I reckon a spouse who doesnt want to have sex, turns the marriage sexless (medical issues aside) has no place being married. That person should leave.

Marriage isnt a pick and choose thing, I want the stability, the security, the income etc but I dont feel enough for you to bang you. ...is that the silent message ? Because if thats how you feel, you are using me, abusing me and you should piss off.

Sorry but to me marriage is not just about sex, its the good times, bad times, a partnership, a union, friendship and the intimacy should help to unite, bond and express affection as in no ther way.

A spouse who honestly feels intimacy doesnt play a role, well that person isnt a part of the full relationship. This is made even worse if a spouse has expressed (not demanded) their dissatisfaction which falls on deaf ears.


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## randomcanadian (Feb 25, 2012)

I have not read all replies here; so forgive me if I am repeating others.

I find myself in a similar situation. months between sex, married for 9 years. 

I have tried talking with my wife too, but like you say.. short term solutions do not end up working. its all talk.

I have found that not really ignoring her, but not responding to her needs makes my wife know when there is something wrong. 

When talking to her does not work I go quiet. Im not trying to be an ass, nor am I wanting to tell you to be one. But when my needs are not being met I do not feel that I should bend over backwards for her then. It usually takes 3 days for her to notice I have not said anything to her, then another 2 days before she is willing to talk with me and actually listen to me.

Its a frustrating experience, but at least it gets us talking. I hope you can find a better way to deal with it, hope I helped too in some way.

Cheers


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People who do this sort of thing and I am hitched to one, often deflect by having some other sort of emotional eruption in response to your questions or requests. My wifey likes to pick fights over some imaginary obsessive thing. Today it repeated complaints that she heard running water somewhere in the house which of course required her to obsessively interrogate me every time a faucet turned on or a toilet flushed...."are you sure you turned it off are you sure are you sure are you sure.....?" Yesterday it "It's been a long week I'm tired and cranky I'm going to bed...." at 7pm. Or it could be some endless stream of 'anxiety' over a bill or a phone call or who knows what.


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