# I found out my fiance was watching porn.



## MegandJus (Mar 29, 2012)

2 nights ago I found out my fiance was watching porn. I found out from his website data on his iphone. He was already asleep and I left it at that until yesterday evening. I told him first why and how I found out. And that he needed to be truthful with me. He first said he didn't remember. That quickly turned into he was not watching it, it was pop up blockers. Then it turned into 3 out of the 4 sites he was not on. But the one he was. He doesn't remember when sometimes in the latter half of last year. Then 2 out of the 4 sites he was on. So here I am thinking okay he has watched it he hasn't been watching it. But then I delve further in well how about your laptop, and then the real story comes piling in, and I was emotionally completely unready for it.

He tells me that he has been watching it over the period of our almost 5 year relationship. Not all the time or everyday but he does watch it. We share a computer and I asked how I never knew and he said it is in the morning before I wake and that he uses private browsing. I took this as I would have never found out if I had not been in his phone. He said it has nothing to do with me that he loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful woman in his world. That he does not attach lust or desire to the woman in the video. That it is merely something visual for him to masturbate too and that he sometimes also uses videos we have made together. I can not help but think it's Bullsh*t honestly. What else is it aside form lust and desire. I don't believe him at all.

I want to add that I have said when we first started dating and many times in our relationship. I do not agree with porn, or strip clubs in a relationship. I truly feel that it is a form of cheating. Our mutual friends are now divorced because her husband had been watching porn behind her back. When I stated I think he's a POS for doing this to her. He agreed that he should not be doing things behind her back that would hurt her. In fact he stated word for word, you should not do anything behind your partners back that you would not do in front of them. Can you say he's a hypocrite??? Yup I thought so. 

When I asked him why he would do something to hurt me like this, and knowing fully well that if I were to find out I may leave. He said that he didn't understand how much it would hurt me. That he didn't believe I would leave. And that the need to make himself feel better when he was aroused got the best of him. That often times he felt guilty because I do not agree with it. 

He said he's very sorry for hurting me. That he could never have foresaw the pain his actions would cause. That now that he knows how passionately I feel about it, he would not watch it any longer. That I was free to call and pull up our internet findings at anytime I feel the need to. And he did seem very genuine in his apology and his attempts to make me feel better. But it didn't work.

This man is whom I agreed to marry. He's my best friend. I trusted my life and heart in his hands. He's a wonderful father, he's more than good to me, even more then I deserve sometimes. He's supportive in everything I do. I can talk to him about anything. We finish each other sentences, think the same things at the same times, we can talk for hours upon hours. But this person who I trust and love with everything that I am has hurt me.

Like what was he thinking risking our relationship. 
If he can hurt me like this, betray me and go behind my back how else can he do it.
I can't trust him, how do I get past this and learn to trust him again when he has shown me I can not. 
I am angry and hurt, I feel almost as if he cheated on me.
I feel like I am ugly and not good enough. I don`t want to get dressed in front of him let alone be intimate with him. 
I know I would never do anything to hurt him so I can not wrap my mind around him being able to do so.
All while I wondering am I being too extreme. But does that matter at all anyways? I don't like it. It hurts me emotionally, it effects my self confidence and I view it as a form of cheating. Then it should not be done regardless. 

We do have sex. Not nearly as often as we used to before our son was born. After our son I fell into severe depression, I became insecure and I lost interest in being sexually involved. I did over come it. And sex became more often but still not as it used too. Hormonally something is wrong with me however we have yet to determine what it is. I think he is sexy, amazing in bed, he makes me feel desired and loved and wanted but I do not want sex as often as he does. For reasons I do not know. Because when we start getting into it I am enveloped by him and every time it leaves me wondering why I don't want him more then I do. Which I am wondering is this porn viewing my fault? If I were having sex with him more often would he still be looking at it. I just really need some insight. I don't know how to move forward from here. I don't know if I should stay. I don't know if he's trustworthy. I am incredibly confused. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you do some poking around on here, there are about a hundred threads about whether porn is or should be a problem in relationships.

I think that women in general should be more forgiving about it, and men in general should be more forthcoming about it.


----------



## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

I completely understand how you feel this is a betrayal of your trust and how this hurts your relationship. Do you think you can get over this?


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Personally, I don't have a problem with porn unless it's impacting your relationship and your sex life. 

Guys very visual creatures. Sometimes we look. I would agree that it would be wrong if he was in chat rooms and having sex discussions. That's making a connection with someone. That's actually talking to a real person. THAT'S wrong!

But if all he's doing is looking at images on a screen, well...I could think of a LOT worse things he could be doing.

I understand what your beliefs are, believe me I do. But, I would ask you to look outside the box a little. Aside from him looking at porn, is he a good guy? Does he treat you right? 

Which is worse for you. If he were on a business trip somewhere and you found out he looked at porn while he was gone? Or you found out he picked up some girl at the hotel bar? 

I mean, I know you're human as well. Don't tell me that you haven't looked at another guy and thought, "DAMN!!! He is hot!!!" It's just something that you've noticed. You found him attractive but you would never leave your guy to pursue it.

I know that's not what you wanted to hear from me, but I think you would choose the lesser of two evils.

The point is, I don't think you should throw away a good, viable relationship over his curiosity.


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

You're thinking about it from a woman's perspective. Trust me when I tell you that no more how beautiful, how great a wife or girlfriend, or how often you have sex with him, a man is going to have these cravings. He may act on them, he may not, but him going to these sites is really no cause for alarm. I'm not telling you to like it, I'm just trying to express the other side and that it's not because of you or to disrespect you.

Now he also messed up by not being forthcoming about it. It's his job to be honest and let you know about this sort of thing, especially if confronted. That way, even if you don't like it, you know what it is and what it isn't.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You have every right to feel hurt or betrayed that he is lusting after prettier women in pornography like this, BUT realize that by getting his guilty release from pixels across a screen he is not releasing in Pixie from across the street. So long as his viewing doesn't come in the bedroom and become so extreme that he misses work, perform the scene out with you, hires escorts, or in severe cases develops erectile disfunction, you have nothing to worry about. 

The inital shock will pass in a few days and then you can sit down and discuss new boundaries in the relationship. You make it clear that you don't want porn playing in the same room with you, you don't want it on yout computer, you don't want to be sent clips, you don't want to be disrespected like the women in those videos, and you don't want to be pushed to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. If he has a problem disassociatng porn with reality the he will need to take a long break and find what he's running from. 

To let you know my wife had the same concerns you do now but so long as I followed the rules above and still swept her off her feet and gave her the sex she needed she didn't care. The real issue here is jealousy and trust. You had all these fantastic expectations of him and he turned out to be yet another perverted guy but that doesn't mean he will cheat or even look at porn the same later on. If you really love him then you need to talk about your fantasies togther and grow closer with trust.

And yes I feel I should mention there is "girlfriend porn" out there too. It involves two normally attractive people, no breast implants or hung guys, and it's very romantic with a good story. 

Take it or leave it, but don't throw away the chance at a happy relationship because you need to win this fight. You can be right or you can be happy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If you do some poking around on here, there are about a hundred threads about whether porn is or should be a problem in relationships.
> 
> I think that women in general should be more forgiving about it, and men in general should be more forthcoming about it.


I don't think so. I think couples should talk about this and see what they both think about porn before they get serious.

In the OP's case, seems he knew how she felt about it and even was appalled by her friend's husband's actions, while he did the same.

That's deceit. Very good deceit because he's been hiding it for 5 years.

i don't think the OP should just be forgiving. If she has a strong conviction against it, and he knew it, then he's a liar.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Everyone seems to be trying to minimize the OP's feelings on this.

She was betrayed. She thought he was on the same page as her in this regard.

I'd be pissed.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Everyone seems to be trying to minimize the OP's feelings on this.
> 
> She was betrayed. She thought he was on the same page as her in this regard.
> 
> I'd be pissed.


 Okay, pissed? Yes. But enough to throw away an entire relationship over? In my opinion. No.


See, as an almost newly married couple, you need to learn one thing that will help you out and teach him a lesson. He hurt you, and he screwed up, now, in order for you to forgive him, he needs to PAY.

You should tell him that in order to fix this, he needs to take you out to the restaurant of your choosing. Look online for the premier dining hot spot in your area. Something with a AAA rating of 4 or 5 Diamonds. Make a reservation and order the most expensive thing on the menu and order the most expensive bottle of wine on the wine list.

or

He needs to take you to a nice B&B at a quaint little town of your choosing for a weekend getaway. He has to take you shopping at any little antique shop you want to go into, any little boutique you want to go into and eat at any little Bistro you want to eat at.

or 

He needs to get you tickets to an upcoming concert of your choosing. If he's a rocker and you like country, TOUGH TOENAILS...he's going to see Kenny Chesney.

See, your playing this all wrong. You can benefit from his screw ups. Hell, my wife does this and I'm pretty sure she's upset that I don't screw up that often anymore!

HOWEVER!!! The door swings both ways! She knows if she screws up SHE is going to have to pay. However, my payment usually involves a very active imagination of what she needs to do to make it up to me and it usually doesn't cost me any money...well, sometimes. Finding a Princess Leia Golden Bikini is harder than you think!.....OPPS.....ummmm....yeah...door swings both ways.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

porn is no big deal (if it doesnt impact your sexual life). the guy loves you and porn is a reality escape. He probably wouldn't even touch those girls if he could. Him watching porn only encourages and shows how much he loves you. he doesn't cheat on you, he gets pleasure from fake unrealistic measures. Men and women are built different according to the books "why beautiful people make more beautiful daughters" or "the evolution of desire-strategies of human mating" males by nature seek to populate and spread their DNA (sperm is cheap holds less value). and females are careful on who they mate with (child baring is 9 months a big commitment. so men seek unconsciously long shinny hair (represents good health) youth (more opportunities to procriate) etc the list goes on. females seek older men that are mature (in general means more financially stable and can support family) you are seeying porn as a threat to your value or resources. The truth is that it's nature for him to try and spread his seed but he knows the value of you and he doesnt. so it's not a big deal unless it affect your sexual life. you must be a very beatiful women (maybe outside but 100% inside) he loves you and he adores you. now that being said tell him you don't like it and that you hope it doesn't affect your relationship.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am fundamentally against porn (the industry) and won't support it.

I talked about porn while dating to see where the guy is about it. Hubs was the first to say first that he wasn't into porn. he brought it up before I could. I liked that. (sexual conversation)

If he had said that, then I caught this on his computer, yes, I'd be PISSED. Betrayed and trust would be on a string.

So...why should she get married into something that already is a lie? Who knows what he's hiding. We all know about trickle truth.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

But you have to admit there are FAR WORSE things he could be doing. I mean, she's had access to his phone AND his computer. and the only thing she found on it is porn. 

All this forum here is to give advice. I believe that there are worse things he could have done. And trust me, I'm not an advocate of the porn industry, but I feel that he didn't cheat either. He saw images on a screen that got him aroused. That's it.

So, we have a difference of opinion. You think that his actions are an offense that is worthy of her ending the engagement and cutting ties all together.

For me, if he gambled away all of her money...grounds to leave
Did drugs and is a blind drunk...grounds to leave
Beat her...DEFINATELY grounds to leave.
Has and EA or PA or both...grounds to leave
Looking at Porn....I don't see it as a viable enough reason to leave.

But, that's just me. So, I guess we'll agree to disagree.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Totally agree to disagree.

I don't agree with settling for someone just because there are "far worse things he could be doing"  That can be said about a lot of things. But if a person is against something, it doesn't matter.

Some people despise drinking. I don't mind it. I do mind lying though, which this guy did AND he gave her the impression that he was against porn watching at all. Not cool.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Meg,
Guys are visual and like to "rub one out with a picture, were as chicks can rub one out with a thought.

None of this is your fault, the kid messes you up, b/c you get all mothery and put the sex on the back burner. There nothing wrong with that but girl you need to balance out.

You can find that girl that use to have a good time and be a great mother....it important that you do this b/c you are missing out.

You know you once dug sex and now that you have a kid your getting streesed about the parenting thing and losing the sexual partner thing. Please find that person and bring her back to you and your man and be that exciting girl that can get her man. 

Not to say porn isn;t addicting and can be problematic ina marriage, but at the end of your thrread I saw more then just your man watching porn, but a women that missing being her mans porn princess and is streesing out about being a *mom*.

You can do both ya know  and your whole family will be better off.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I don't think so. I think couples should talk about this and see what they both think about porn before they get serious.
> 
> In the OP's case, seems he knew how she felt about it and even was appalled by her friend's husband's actions, while he did the same.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this statement!!

My husband knew how i felt about porn while we were dating. We talked about it. He told me he didn't need it.. Well guess what,* I walked out the door a little over a week ago.* Some of the problems we were having was due to porn!! It is something I feel that does not belong in a marriage/relationship unless both people in it are ok with it and I am not, never have been and I never will be!

Deceit, lies and lack of trust make a marriage fall apart in itself. With out trust you have absolutely nothing!

I totally understand how the OP feels on the matter, but chances are he isn't going to stop, he will only make it harder for you to find it.

I also hate it when people say "There could be far worse things he could be doing".. I mean really.. He might as well be having an affair with another woman as far as i am concerned. 
Some people consider porn as a form of infidelity. I am one of them...

Every one has their own opinion and they are entitled to their own.. If we all had the same opinions, life wouldn't be much for living would it!! =)


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I totally agree with this statement!!
> 
> My husband knew how i felt about porn while we were dating. We talked about it. He told me he didn't need it.. Well guess what,* I walked out the door a little over a week ago.* Some of the problems we were having was due to porn!! It is something I feel that does not belong in a marriage/relationship unless both people in it are ok with it and I am not, never have been and I never will be!
> 
> ...


Then by all means, suggest that she toss the guy to the curb for being human and without even the chance to work things out; wish her good luck on finding the PERFECT guy...

And YES there are far worse things he could have done.

unbelieveable.....


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

crossbar said:


> Then by all means, suggest that she toss the guy to the curb for being human and without even the chance to work things out; wish her good luck on finding the PERFECT guy...
> 
> And YES there are far worse things he could have done.
> 
> unbelieveable.....


And that is your opinion!!
unbelievable my a$$

And you know something, if more ppl would repect other ppls feelings there would be FAR less divorces!!!

I also never told her to kick him to the curb!! MR PERFECT.. just does not exist.

It is one thing to be human and being a complete ass hat.. She told him how she felt about it and he did it anyway.. Human my butt!!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, she could find the perfect guy for her. This guy lied to her. Very well too.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Well, she could find the perfect guy for her. This guy lied to her. Very well too.


I agree..


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I also never told her to kick him to the curb!! MR PERFECT.. just does not exist.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lady bird I fought my wifes affair and won.I'm suggesting OP do the same and get her mojo back.

I found the last part of her thread most interesting. It went from her spouse to her self and what was going on in her own head. I think that needs to be brought to light and even though her mans porno thing is bad stuff she comes around with some of the things she actually has control over and her individual insight about her self.

That alone is what the OP needs to look at. her porno freak husband will do his own thing, its Op confidence and ego that will change her around.


----------



## DisasterEve (Jan 8, 2012)

First post ever...hope I do it right lol 

My husband of 4 years watched porn a lot. At first I assumed he did it when I was "unavailable," and that I shouldn't complain. Then, I realized it was much more than just that. He had it on his phone, he looked at it at work (his job is out in the field doing a lot of surveillance) and that was when I realized that I was, in fact, NOT ok with it. I asked him to stop. He said he would. He did not. He lied and deceived me, rather than just owning up to it. 

Long story short, I pleaded and begged for two years, scared to even walk into the computer room because I was afraid I'd see him masturbating. Each discovery made me so ill and upset. I'm an attractive 29 yr old, and I am no slouch in bed *wink wink* It finally took me calmly sitting him down and letting him know that I will not remain in a marriage with pornography. I made no moral judgements. It wasn't about morals. It is about something that wounded my self esteem, and quite frankly, made him a snooze in the sack. 

He went to a friend who had similar problems and they became accountability buddies. He downloaded a free app for his Android that reports any suspicious sites or activities and both I and his very good friend receive weekly emails. The same software is on his computer. He has had stumbles and mistakes and I must strive MIGHTILY not to absolutely breakdown lol. But his commitment to me and his love for me brings me to tears. 

If your fiancé is willing to STOP, understand that he will have good days and bad days. Punishing him for his mistakes might make him feel useless or not good enough. If you decide you can live with it, then you could place boundaries or requirements to make sure it doesn't impact your sex life. 

Your feelings are your feelings! You do not have to justify them but you do owe him a chance to negotiate with you so you both can decide what you can (and cannot) live with! Good luck! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why deny, something we all do?

I don't get it m- if we self gradify, is it not ok to be pro mogonamy? but when a behavior becomes an addiction that cheats your spouse out of a healthy connection then it needs to be adressed as an individual. 

I want a healthy relationship with my spouse should we have mutual masterbation? Any one?


Back to point....OP spouse hind porn, OP can't trust spouse b/c expectation generated resentment. Many say he cheated, I say he was rubbing one out. OP wants to fix her M but has issue with the man she loves. I say help him rub one out!

Please stop getting depressed, you are a great mom and you are a great wife...please find the balance that you are looking for. 

Judging you man for self gradifing him self is just another wall that will divide. Make this a positve not a negitive, your mans going to be all jacked up about it so agin dont judge but imbrace.

Your man may have a problem, so get in there and face it head on. Never rug sweep!


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

DisasterEve said:


> He went to a friend who had similar problems and they became accountability buddies. He downloaded a free app for his Android that reports any suspicious sites or activities and both I and his very good friend receive weekly emails. The same software is on his computer.


:rofl:


----------



## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

MegandJus, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope you will take your time making a decision as your post was very emotionally charged. You are understandably upset right now but your feelings may change over time and part of any good marriage is realizing this and not doing something in the heat of the moment, only to regret it later.

Some people here are VERY passionate about what does or does not work for them in a relationship so take what works for you and yours and try not to get upset about the rest. That said, here's my take...

Porn exists to entice men. He is a man. He is torn because he wants to look but knows it will hurt you. He wants you to like him so he tells himself he will not be enticed. He will be stronger than most men. But he isn't. Now he's upset that he couldn't control himself and he feels bad because he let you down. He knows how you feel and he's scared that if he tells you, you won't like him anymore. He really wants you to like him so he hides it and tells himself he will be stronger next time. This pattern repeats for years during which time he becomes your best friend, the father of your child and asks you to marry him.

Fast forward to now. His fiance is asking him about the history in his phone. He remembers what happened to his friends marriage. He remembers how you feel. He tries to cover it up, hoping desperately that you will just let it drop and still love him. Finally he realizes you are not convinced and feeling guilty and ashamed, he admits what he has been doing.

He may be a hypocritical POS who lusts after and desires women he will never actually meet or he could be a great guy who made a mistake and deserves another chance.

So many other things I want to say but it's waaay past my bedtime.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Not sure how far out the wedding is, but you would be justified in calling off the engagement and/or pushing it out until you are satisfied that things are resolved between you both.

While I'm not going to justify what he's done, and the lies he's told. I think it would be a shame to give up on a 5 year relationship (esp one so close), and the father of your child just yet. Give it some time and go see a MC together.

You should be certain this is the man you want to marry on your wedding day (no serious doubts)... so like I said I would hold out on the wedding day for now.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Some over time may grow to accept or like different things in life. his opinion on porn may have changed. Porn raised between 10-14 billion in 2010 (just did some research) so its safe to say someone is watching. many will chose not to watch because of religion, or feminists. or whatever. I watch it because its human nature and I don't see a problem with it. maybe your partner watches it because like most (subconsciously) the thrill of something new is always there. I always say people tend to look and find with what pleases them. bare with me all the following leads to a point : It is not normal for a grown man not to have sexual desires so im always suspect of a priest. i believe alot of them are into sick turn ons and like being around the young. so in so many teachers etc. 50% of marriages end in divorce because people change or cheat or lie. so your partner loves you and hides something thats a natural turn on to him just so he wont dissapoint you. he loves you and yet lies to you so you wont lose respect towards him. he will continue to see porn and its natural. if you have a big issue then discuss it with him and see if he can stop. the chances of you finding someone that doesnt see porn or gets his sexual desires off in a different way other than you are slim. and if you do I would honestly say the guy is not normal. good luck with that. there are some sick people out there. hello woody allen


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok as far as the "human nature" aspect on it. I call BS on that. It is not human nature it is a CHOICE!

It's just like saying it is human nature to cheat!!

But then again this subject will always be a big long debate no matter how you look at it!

You are either fine with it or you aren't..

IT is all about RESPECT, and that is the bottom line! Respect for ones feelings and boundaries...

I also draw the line with alcoholism and drug abuse!

I want to say that even though I have always had issues with it, when i would find it, it was like ok oh well whatever... It wasn't all that often maybe couple times a year. but that changed 3 years ago, our sex life came to a screathing halt (no by me either). Then i find out he was looking at that crap at least once a week or more. Then lying to me when i would ask him about it, telling me it was his son... Well it wasn't, obviously.. Deceit, the lying. Shoot in the summer of 2010 i seriously thought he was screwing around.. It was that bad he might as well have been!! And once everything start to happen, we grew further and further apart, until i left him. Porn helped make that wedge between us bigger.. You have no freaking IDEA!!

MegandJus
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.. I know how you feel.. I have been there. My advise to you is do what you have to do..

If you need someone to talk to or to just vent send me a pm..


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

it is human nature one just choses to repress it. same with cheating. it is human nature to be sexually attracted to many. that's why through biblical times and now man tend to have more than one woman. some do it as serial monogamy (married to one woman at a time but then marrying someone else later). drugs and alcoholism are not instinctively. one choses by pressure or curiosity not by natural desire. I myself have never cheated and will never cheat because I respect myself and partner. and my pleasure will not make up for the pain and hurt I would cause to the person I love. one can call bs or look at the world around them. perfect example. fiancee watches porn. thought he could get away with it and now the woman is devastated. it's her value system that was just shook and she found out a dark side of her fiancee. rethink if you are ok with this because marrying and then finding out you cannot cope with this will hurt you more down the road. I wish you and yours the best


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MegandJus;653254
We do have sex. Not nearly as often as we used to before our son was born. After our son I fell into severe depression said:


> If a man is not sexually fulfilled he will do one of 3 things:
> 
> 1. Masturbate to Porn
> 2. Divorce his wife
> ...


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I agree Hicks. He knew that she hated it, but like the discussions in the other porn threads, he resorted to hiding it. He sounds like a good man, good father, attentive and apologised when you found out and said he wouldn't do it again. 

I don't have a problem with porn. Lots of people do. Round and round we all go with our different opinions. And we can all have them BUT when you go into a relationship if you have _different _opinions about this there is no compromise. One hates it so the other one is banned. I find that unrealistic. Especially for men. No videos, pictures etc, ever. That's what gets me the most. Because of how you feel in this instance, he is not allowed to ever watch it. So he hid it and now you want to leave him. Despite all the wonderful things he does. It was not an addiction, he was not touching another woman. I wish women would ease up. There is no understanding if you hate it and your husband wants to watch a bit. Just total black and white. If it's a deal breaker for you, fair enough. But I don't think your husband is a jerk at all. I think he is normal.

If you leave him, that's totally your choice. You need to find a man who will never, ever watch porn. And there are definitely some. But maybe not as good as your husband.


----------



## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

Wow!! I just need to put in my two pennies worth. Porn has practically destroyed my marriage. Harmless? My H was exposed to porn at age 12 and therefore never learned to associate sex with intimacy. Having spent nearly every night for the last 10 years of our marriage masturbating to internet porn after I went to bed, we moved to Asia for his job. He ended up having sex with prostitutes and an affair (althought he says she was no different to the others...just always available when he went to Hong Kong). Porn messes with your brain and when it is something that is done in secret and alone it is destructive. Lying and deception are killers for a marriage.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MegandJus said:


> Which I am wondering is this porn viewing my fault? If I were having sex with him more often would he still be looking at it. I just really need some insight. I don't know how to move forward from here. I don't know if I should stay. I don't know if he's trustworthy. I am incredibly confused. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


Hi Meg ~

No, I don't think that it's your fault your fiance chooses to watch porn. 

Your fiance is the one making the choice. He does have other options that he could do - including using only his imagination or asking you to participate in masturbation or sex with him. Being told to let it go simply because "everybody does it" is just a justifying tactic. Don't let it dissuade you from your convictions.

Like others have said, a big concern is the hiding and lying about it - especially when he knew your opinions on the matter. Your trust is broken.

You said that he was your fiance, so you aren't married yet. Are you guys going through any pre-marital counseling together? Would you consider that if you aren't currently?

I can't tell you whether to stay or to go, but it might be worthwhile having someone to guide you as you work through the issue together. It may give you an additional perspective in to your fiance and your relationship and will help you make the decision.

Best wishes.


----------



## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Poppy said:


> Wow!! I just need to put in my two pennies worth. Porn has practically destroyed my marriage. Harmless? My H was exposed to porn at age 12 and therefore never learned to associate sex with intimacy. Having spent nearly every night for the last 10 years of our marriage masturbating to internet porn after I went to bed, we moved to Asia for his job. He ended up having sex with prostitutes and an affair (althought he says she was no different to the others...just always available when he went to Hong Kong). Porn messes with your brain and when it is something that is done in secret and alone it is destructive. Lying and deception are killers for a marriage.


Porn was harmful to your husband for his own reasons. If he chose to cheat that was his personal decision. He may have had a sex/porn addiction. But not everyone does.

Porn is harmless to my husband. And me. It doesn't mess with our brains. Don't pigeon hole.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Poppy said:


> Wow!! I just need to put in my two pennies worth. Porn has practically destroyed my marriage. Harmless? My H was exposed to porn at age 12 and therefore never learned to associate sex with intimacy. Having spent nearly every night for the last 10 years of our marriage masturbating to internet porn after I went to bed, we moved to Asia for his job. He ended up having sex with prostitutes and an affair (althought he says she was no different to the others...just always available when he went to Hong Kong). Porn messes with your brain and when it is something that is done in secret and alone it is destructive. Lying and deception are killers for a marriage.


That is not about Porn.
That is about you being married to a low quality man. 
Huge difference.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

MeganJus

if you look at the other porn threads here you will notice their length and the intensity of the debate. What you will get by asking your questions is everyone else's feelings about porn. What you won't get is a universal Truth, if that is what you are looking for.

If porn is a problem for you, then it is a problem. For some couples it is not. 

You have been justifiably hurt by obvious deception. I gather he felt sexually neglected. Does one action justify the other? No. But that is where you are. 

There is no one path out of this. It sounds like he loves you and you have an otherwise good relationship. You are going to have to a) forgive and learn to trust again with time,b) reconsider your feelings on porn and whether it is a meaningful measure of his attraction to you or commitment to the relationship or c) end the relationship. 

In either case, if you have kids together it sounds like you should take your time and find the answer within.


----------



## Mestupxtian (Mar 30, 2012)

Meg,

Your situation sounds like the one my wife and I were in a few years ago (we have been together almost 10 years now). First, let me give some background. I was exposed to porn at a young age (early teens) and developed an addiction to it. I am not talking about occasional visits, I am talking about hours and hours a day (sometimes masturbating 4 or 5 times/day). I know, I am/was sick, but that's my life. We met, got married and had a good sex life, but then we had a kid and things slowed down like they usually do. 

I kept this hidden from my girlfriend/wife not because of deceit, but because of shame. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I had never "gone without" the relief and so I found it hard when things slowed down to keep the pressure penned up(during periods at first, then "mommy stress" getting in the way of the bedroom later). Some men just CAN'T STOP on a whim. Think of it like drugs or alcohol, the same chemicals are involved. Some people can go cold turkey from addictions, others need help. I thought keeping it secret would be easier than admitting I needed help with it.

Long story short, it came out. After she had a chance to settle down, we talked about it at length. She found out that it was a cycle. I would gorge myself on it and get hooked; feel bad because I knew it was wrong; try and stop; then she would get into one of her 'funks' and we would go without for a few days - week; I would need to relieve the pressure and get hooked again and the cycle would repeat. I never told her about it because I knew how it would make her feel and I thought, wrongly, that I could deal with it on my own.

We came to the agreement that I would make a good faith attempt at stopping the porn and she would open up to "quickies" to relieve the pressure when needed (among other things). I can't say that I have a perfect track record, but I have managed to stay mostly porn free for the last several years. 

You two have to sit down and work things out to find a way that you can both be mutually happy. If this addiction is deeply ingrained like mine was, he may need professional help or some other men to keep him accountable. Something that has been going on for 5+ years is not going to be fixed overnight, so you need to be patient and understanding and he needs to be open about what will help. A good marriage counselor can help to mediate if you don't seem to get anywhere alone.

Your feelings are valid, but they can betray you. It sounds like he is a good man/provider/father/mate, so I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Be willing to forgive. If you want a marriage to work between the two of you in the long run, that is one of the foundations you build it upon.

Good luck and God bless


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Poppy said:


> Wow!! I just need to put in my two pennies worth. Porn has practically destroyed my marriage. Harmless? My H was exposed to porn at age 12 and therefore never learned to associate sex with intimacy. Having spent nearly every night for the last 10 years of our marriage masturbating to internet porn after I went to bed, we moved to Asia for his job. He ended up having sex with prostitutes and an affair (althought he says she was no different to the others...just always available when he went to Hong Kong). Porn messes with your brain and when it is something that is done in secret and alone it is destructive. Lying and deception are killers for a marriage.


It is weird for me to see how people blame porn for the problem. if you ask the men on here im sure most have been expossed to porn way before the age of 12. I remember being in 1st grade and seeying a magazine that another kid brought

porn is just a branch one that masks the root of the problem

blaming porn for ones actions is wrong. your husband cheating with prostitutes shows he has deeper issues and porn is not to blame. im sure people that commit child abuse or cheat etc have watched porn also.

don't lose focus. your husband has issues (but who doesn't) im sure if you look deep within you'll notice you may have isues also. I mean your husband cheated on you with prostitutes but then again you picked your husband.

btw I have alot of issues myself and admitting to them and growing as a person is the best one can do.

\ I'm starting to sound like the porn defender (which I can care less wheter one watches or not). im just pointing out that sex drive and mens desires are strong and natural. 

you see it all the time on online dating sites.
adds by women will list

intelligent, romantic, easy going, loves doing new things, music, travel. looking for good conversation, open to the possibility of a serious relationship. looking for a man 5-10 older than her with same interests

men will have the same adds except they are looking for younger women

the women subcounsciously seek older men because it implies resources (money, maturity, may value a relationship, might settle down, etc)

men looks for younger women and sometimes just want casual dating (sex) its nature

women protect themselves from being left pregnant (no resources, no help, and in a bad situation)

and men want the quick lay (sperm is cheap, pregnancy does not affect them as much, they can have multiple women pregnant in the same time span)

so all this leads to this: men by nature will want sexual relief
women will protect themselves and dont want to be left alone

DONT BLAME PORN. BLAME THE DEEPER ISSUES.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Hicks said:


> That is not about Porn.
> That is about you being married to a low quality man.
> Huge difference.


IM GLAD SOMEONE SEES THE REAL ISSUE


----------



## nameuser (Mar 30, 2012)

If a woman rarely has sex with her husband she shouldn't act shocked if the husband decides to watch porn.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This OP has reminded me I need to tell my wife how much I adore her more often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I don't get the people who have a healthy sex life but still watch porn. I mean yeah to get ideas or whatever but to prioritize it over the real thing?


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband does not watch porn, except on the two occasions we have watched it together. He says that he does not need it, especially since my husband does not masturbate. "Why should I jerk off when I have a sexy wife?"  I watch porn when I masturbate and he has no problem with this, mainly because it does not affect our sex life.

I agree that most women make porn a bigger issue than it needs to be. However, the _deceit _that the OP is describing is a huge red flag. Not all women are comfortable with porn and that fact should be respected when members post about this issue. There is no sense trying to change someone's mind if porn is causing problems in the marriage. Nobody deserves to have their challenges minimized.

Hicks, you don't think that there are men with low sex drives? It is much less common than LD women, but there are men who do not desire sex for many reasons.


----------



## nameuser (Mar 30, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I don't get the people who have a healthy sex life but still watch porn. I mean yeah to get ideas or whatever but to prioritize it over the real thing?


People rarely have a "healthy" sex life. Very few women can keep up with their husband sexually so it's only common sense that men will watch porn if their wife doesn't want sex as often, like in OP's case.


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I don't get the people who have a healthy sex life but still watch porn. I mean yeah to get ideas or whatever but to prioritize it over the real thing?


prioritize? nope its apples and oranges its different. people are afraid what is considered the norm? hey like I posted earlier 10-14 billion dollars in 2010. someone is defenetly watching


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I am going through issue of my H watching porn also.. he has no idea that that I know he's watching it (keylogger)... 

I suppose it wouldn't be as big of an issue if he admitted to it. I have asked him and he says no. And also , it really bothers me when some of the clips he watches are about teenage girls,, like "teen daughter destroyed" , and "teen girls first time" and now he is watching ones about "fisting" . That is just gross... 

We are not having sex right now, so I can understand him watching to "get his kicks",, but the teen thing is what bothers me ( he's 48 and 2 daughters , 25 and 23)


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I don't get the people who have a healthy sex life but still watch porn. I mean yeah to get ideas or whatever but to prioritize it over the real thing?


I agree with this. Except that the description in the OP does not sound like a healthy sex life. Not even close. Makes me want to say something about reaping and sewing...


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am going through issue of my H watching porn also.. he has no idea that that I know he's watching it (keylogger)...
> 
> I suppose it wouldn't be as big of an issue if he admitted to it. I have asked him and he says no. And also , it really bothers me when some of the clips he watches are about teenage girls,, like "teen daughter destroyed" , and "teen girls first time" and now he is watching ones about "fisting" . That is just gross...
> 
> We are not having sex right now, so I can understand him watching to "get his kicks",, but the teen thing is what bothers me ( he's 48 and 2 daughters , 25 and 23)


it is normal for men to be attracted to younger women. look at hollywood , you dont see julia roberts playing the hot girl next door anymore. with time one seeks the younger hottest new thing. so same with porn. its just natural to be attracted to younger woman. im 36 asn yeah the teen porn is high on my list. so dont read much into it. but if you have a problem discuss it with your husband. keeping silent will not make the problem go away. respect should be the foundation of all relationships. if you feel disrespected give him some credit. something tells me he loves you enough to stop watching


----------



## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

Hicks said:


> That is not about Porn.
> That is about you being married to a low quality man.
> Huge difference.


I had no idea that people would be so insensitive on here. My fault for sharing, I appreciate that. My fault for trying to connect with the OP about how finding out about an extensive porn habit that has been hidden for years can knock you to the ground. I had hoped to explain that my H had an intimacy problem caused by early addiction to porn. I hoped to empathise that lying and deception are hard to deal with. I do not have a problem with porn if it is not hidden, lied about, and does not take any chance of intimacy away from a marriage. I did not know that he had this problem when I married him. I met him when we were both 17. Been together for 22 years and married for 14. Have two gorgeous children and I am desperately struggling with everything I have found out over a period of 7 months. I did not want to offend anyone.


----------



## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Poppy,
I am very sorry for what you have gone through. Pay no mind to those who throw zingers at you. Porn threads bring out the worst in everybody especially those who defend it so mightily. 
Are you in counseling at all? Is he?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Poppy, I mean you no harm and did not mean to attack you personally. But I don't think your situation is comparable to the original posters.


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I am going through issue of my H watching porn also.. he has no idea that that I know he's watching it (keylogger)...
> 
> I suppose it wouldn't be as big of an issue if he admitted to it. I have asked him and he says no. *And also , it really bothers me when some of the clips he watches are about teenage girls,, like "teen daughter destroyed" , and "teen girls first time" and now he is watching ones about "fisting" . That is just gross...*
> *
> We are not having sex right now, so I can understand him watching to "get his kicks",, but the teen thing is what bothers me ( he's 48 and 2 daughters , 25 and 23)*


He's a man.


----------



## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If you do some poking around on here, there are about a hundred threads about whether porn is or should be a problem in relationships.
> 
> I think that women in general should be more forgiving about it, and men in general should be more forthcoming about it.


I completely agree, Hope! I, personally, am a fan of porn.. and I'm a woman. EVERY MAN MASTURBATES AND IT'S USUALLY TO PORN... If he tells you he doesn't look at porn, the guy is lying. 

I think one of the things to comes to terms with is that men ( and women) will look at porn. Like everything else in life, you have to learn to have things in moderation. Porn becomes a problem when it destroys intimacy in marriages and replaces sex. If you try to force your SO to stop watching porn, that just means they'll start taking more measures to hide it. Considering the fact that your husband already was hiding the porn, he knew it was something you didn't agree with. He knew it was something that bothered you, which is why he kept coming up with excuse after excuse. He will just hide it better now in hopes that you won't find it, until he slips up and you come across another link.

It all depends on if the porn has replaced sex in your marriage. If that's the case, then porn is definitely a big problem. But if you're still intimate, still have sex often enough for your tastes, and it keeps your husband from going out and searching for somebody that's flesh and blood (and isn't looking at anything illegal) then I see no harm in it. People will explore their own sexual interests, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just all in moderation. But that's JMHO


----------



## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

First off, I don't really like porn, for one very good reason it's not real, it's just scripted nonsense pure visual fantasy and most men know this. 

But many men do enjoy porn and I can why they do, to my male thinking I can't really see a problem, it's just one of those differences between the sexes, some couples watch it together but most men prefer to watch and read in privacy, and will not even admit to it


----------



## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

Guys look at porn all the time. I dont think it is a big deal. Unless he is spending lots of money on it. there are so many free sites. Also does he look at a single girl or women that do not look like you such as a very different body type.


----------



## zanzan (Mar 24, 2012)

Many men will tell you they watch porn for the fantasy and the action, not to look at the other women's appearance.

It is more about the choreographed sexual situations in those flicks, groupsex for example. 
Most men never get a chance to experience those types of seuxal situations so it is a huge turn on to watch them.

It is simply a visual fantasy, in my opinion it is NOT cheating or betrayal when someone watches porn.


----------



## AllThePrettyHorses (Mar 23, 2012)

Silly Husband said:


> Porn exists to entice men.


Nope. Porn comes a posteriori. Meaning: There's such a large porn industry because there always was an audience. 
When it comes to porn, people assume that porn came first and the desire to look at it came through its existence.
I disagree. Porn came into being because human beings are naturally aroused by watching people in action. It's the supply to a demand that has always existed.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry folks! But I think this is a dead thread. The OP isn't coming back here because too many people didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

I'll be shocked if she does...


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

And then he will be here complaining about a fiance who dumped him for watching porn every once in a while. Sad but not unheard of.... It's just too bad these younger generations are so selfish.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

crossbar said:


> ladybird said:
> 
> 
> > I also never told her to kick him to the curb!! MR PERFECT.. just does not exist.
> ...


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

nameuser said:


> People rarely have a "healthy" sex life. Very few women can keep up with their husband sexually so it's only common sense that men will watch porn if their wife doesn't want sex as often, like in OP's case.


 I hope to God this is not true. Although when I read the posts on this forum, I realize that my husband and I are very blessed with an intense and fullfilling sex life. Just this morning, I made my husband lightheaded with exertion.  

If a man has a sex life like my hubby, he has no need for porn or even masturbation. My husband knows that I would have no problem with him watching porn or playing with himself, because I am very openminded when it comes to sex. There is no reason for him to lie. 

I have so much sympathy for spouses who do not get enough sex. Porn is much better than cheating in that case.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I second that! At times when I had the urge to cheat on my wife, especially during the divorce, I would turn to porn to get urge out of my system. I'm not ashamed to say that I had my chances with other women, but I couldn't destroy my integrity like that. I'll take a few minutes of a fleshlight and a porno over years of regret any day


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

zanzan said:


> Many men will tell you they watch porn for the fantasy and the action, not to look at the other women's appearance.
> 
> It is more about the choreographed sexual situations in those flicks, groupsex for examplen


Nah, it's most definitely about the woman. Because most times our criteria for watching a scene begins with the womans features. Or if it's about a sex act, we won't like it as much or will search for another if the woman isn't "up to par."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> And then he will be here complaining about a fiance who dumped him for watching porn every once in a while. Sad but not unheard of.... It's just too bad these younger generations are so selfish.


It's a difference in values and love loses if one feels hurt. better early that later but if both are unselfish and come to some understanding then there is hope


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

nameuser said:


> People rarely have a "healthy" sex life. *Very few women can keep up with their husband sexually* so it's only common sense that men will watch porn if their wife doesn't want sex as often, like in OP's case.


This was not the case for my husband and I, he could not keep up with me sexually.. What is your answer to that!!


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ValNTine said:


> EVERY MAN MASTURBATES AND IT'S USUALLY TO PORN... *If he tells you he doesn't look at porn, the guy is lying. *


That's a load of BS. And I know people will think I'm naive because I believe my husband, right? I have access to his phone, his computer, everything. He doesn't clear history at all. I have gone back days, weeks, even months. Not one single porn site. There are no pornographic pics in our house. We watch TV together, so none watched there. And when one of us is out of the house, the other always has at least one of the kids with him/her. So, very difficult to explain to a 4 year old what daddy is doing, if he WERE to watch it. Oh, and no porn videos here either.

That said, I know he HAS viewed it in the past, before we met. But, he knows what porn did to his parents' marriage and he was determined THAT wouldn't happen to ours. So, he doesn't watch it, doesn't look at it, period. But there is also religious conviction there as well. Do I believe he fantasizes about other women, specifically celebrities? Yep! I sure do! Would I even dream of asking him? Nope. Why? Because I don't want to know if he fantasizes about sex acts without me in the picture at all. Either way, you all probably won't believe this anyway lol... he doesn't masturbate. Unless he's doing it in the shower, he never has the CHANCE to do it. And I have told him many times it wouldn't bother me. Don't get me wrong, he has tried, at my request, a few times. But the only thing that gets him aroused is the act itself, with me. 

Doesn't matter if no one here believes me about this, I know his schedule, etc. He knows I am fine with it, and still doesn't do it. Anyway, the point is that my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to porn. He doesn't watch it, and that suits me just fine, as I believe it has no place in a marriage. That said, I would feel betrayed if he started watching/looking, but I wouldn't end out marriage over it. 

And yes, I am aware this thread is a few months old.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> That's a load of BS. And I know people will think I'm naive because I believe my husband, right? I have access to his phone, his computer, everything. He doesn't clear history at all. I have gone back days, weeks, even months. Not one single porn site. There are no pornographic pics in our house. We watch TV together, so none watched there. And when one of us is out of the house, the other always has at least one of the kids with him/her. So, very difficult to explain to a 4 year old what daddy is doing, if he WERE to watch it. Oh, and no porn videos here either.
> 
> That said, I know he HAS viewed it in the past, before we met. But, he knows what porn did to his parents' marriage and he was determined THAT wouldn't happen to ours. So, he doesn't watch it, doesn't look at it, period. But there is also religious conviction there as well. Do I believe he fantasizes about other women, specifically celebrities? Yep! I sure do! Would I even dream of asking him? Nope. Why? Because I don't want to know if he fantasizes about sex acts without me in the picture at all. Either way, you all probably won't believe this anyway lol... he doesn't masturbate. Unless he's doing it in the shower, he never has the CHANCE to do it. And I have told him many times it wouldn't bother me. Don't get me wrong, he has tried, at my request, a few times. But the only thing that gets him aroused is the act itself, with me.
> 
> ...


My husband does not look at porn. In fact he wasn't too thrilled when I got a free video with an order of items I bought online. I did not intentionally buy the video, but I was curious. I only watched maybe 2-3 minutes max before turning it off. It was very poorly taped.

I saved the video in case he wanted to watch it. Nope, it went in the trash. I'm assuming it hurt his feelings a little that I watched it since he brought it up.

I was actually surprised by his actions. I don't mind, I'm actually kinda glad he doesn't look at other naked women. I'd probably feel a little self conscious if he did even though a little watching is harmless.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

There probably are a few men out there who don't masturbate/look at porn.

They are in the distinct minority. 

If your partner seeing/imagining another person whilst masturbating is a dealbreaker for OP, it might be best to avoid dating/marriage entirely in the future.


----------



## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Betrayal is different that cheating. Cheating is a form of betrayal, but not the only one.

He lied and continued to lie when confronted. He'd still be lying (and probably is) if you hadn't found out. He betrayed your trust and continued to betray you until he was back into a corner.

I cannot and will not tolerate porn (in any form) in my relationship. My personal experience goes VERY deep, so I realize I'm a little more "hard core" (LOL) anti-porn than most. But the bottom line is I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING LIED TO. PERIOD.

Whether this is the deal breaker or not, is entirely up to you. I would dig deep and decide if you are willing to commit to a long term relationship where you know he can look you in the eyes and lie for 5 years.


----------



## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

MegandJus said:


> 2 nights ago I found out my fiance was watching porn. I found out from his website data on his iphone. He was already asleep and I left it at that until yesterday evening. I told him first why and how I found out. And that he needed to be truthful with me. He first said he didn't remember. That quickly turned into he was not watching it, it was pop up blockers. Then it turned into 3 out of the 4 sites he was not on. But the one he was. He doesn't remember when sometimes in the latter half of last year. Then 2 out of the 4 sites he was on. So here I am thinking okay he has watched it he hasn't been watching it. But then I delve further in well how about your laptop, and then the real story comes piling in, and I was emotionally completely unready for it.
> 
> He tells me that he has been watching it over the period of our almost 5 year relationship. Not all the time or everyday but he does watch it. We share a computer and I asked how I never knew and he said it is in the morning before I wake and that he uses private browsing. I took this as I would have never found out if I had not been in his phone. He said it has nothing to do with me that he loves me and thinks I am the most beautiful woman in his world. That he does not attach lust or desire to the woman in the video. That it is merely something visual for him to masturbate too and that he sometimes also uses videos we have made together. I can not help but think it's Bullsh*t honestly. What else is it aside form lust and desire. I don't believe him at all.
> 
> ...


so despite all of the wonderful things you said about your husband , him not watching porn is more important to you than having that . i am not refering to the deception on his part just the how good he is not being more important to you than him watching porn . 
obviously you think he is all of the things you have said about him . and he was all of those things to you even though he enjoyed watching porn . how could he be all of those things to you and enjoy watching porn at the same time ? obviously it is because enjoying porn does not change who he is . you obviously have an issue with porn . one that you would choose to not have a man such as your husband to hold on to . 
im sure that since you think he is all of the wonderful things you said that you realize your issue with porn has and will only serve to hurt your relationship with any man . 

your husbands deception , no matter how justified he felt doing it , is most definitely a betrayal of your trust and needs to be addressed . he should have been honest with you and told you that your issue with porn was completely nuts and not put himself or you in a relationship that starts with a lie . 

every man watches porn . EVERY MAN ! if you are unable to come to grips with your porn issue you will be destined to repeat this again in the future .


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Not every man. But the overwhelming majority of men in the West. 
My unscientific guess - 99%.

If you're looking for a man who you (a) love and are compatible with on many levels, and (b) doesn't watch porn at least sometimes, you're going to be looking for a long time.

And that's fine, if that's your boundary. 

But such a man is going to be very, very, very, very, very rare. If you're okay with the likelihood that you will not find such a man, but would rather not date/marry/be involved with someone who looks at porn - even if it means being single - go for it. That takes a lot of strength.


----------



## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

stoney1215 said:


> so despite all of the wonderful things you said about your husband , him not watching porn is more important to you than having that . i am not refering to the deception on his part just the how good he is not being more important to you than him watching porn .
> obviously you think he is all of the things you have said about him . and he was all of those things to you even though he enjoyed watching porn . how could he be all of those things to you and enjoy watching porn at the same time ? obviously it is because enjoying porn does not change who he is . you obviously have an issue with porn . one that you would choose to not have a man such as your husband to hold on to .
> im sure that since you think he is all of the wonderful things you said that you realize your issue with porn has and will only serve to hurt your relationship with any man .
> 
> ...


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I only read the OP's first comment, and realized this is an old thread, I just wanted to say that he doesn't watch porn to hurt you, it is a compulsion, he is addicted/obsessed like a huge portion of the male population. He keeps it secret because he is ashamed of this compulsion and may wish to stop but the rush is too strong. It is a disloyal behavior that he has to hide it from you, but the fact that you are so hurt and betrayed by this only makes him more ashamed and if/when he slips he will only try to hide it deeper.

I believe you that you feel betrayed, but honestly I think the fact that there atleast isn't a third party trying to pull apart your marriage so this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. My biggest piece of advice would be to accept the porn for what it is, a dopamine rush for your H, do not shame him, try to get him to open up about it and also look at a TED talks lecture called "The Great Porn Experiment" or something like that and it starts to explain just why it is such a strong compulsion for men, and that he can actually kick the habit if he wants to start working on a healthy sexual relationship with you, and it should carry over into other aspects of his life.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> Not every man. But the overwhelming majority of men in the West.
> My unscientific guess - 99%.
> 
> If you're looking for a man who you (a) love and are compatible with on many levels, and (b) doesn't watch porn at least sometimes, you're going to be looking for a long time.
> ...


Since when is "everyone does it" justification for doing something? And, frankly, I disagree that 99% of men do porn. I do not disagree that 99% of men have struggled with some sort of pornography in the past. But I do not believe that 99% of men are "okay" with pornography and feel that it is just something that "men do." 

From reading these threads, I have seen several responses from posters who say that their partners have decided to abstain from pornography or that they have never done it in the first place. "Everyone does it" is not necessarily true. Even if it was, that alone does not justify it.


----------



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Since when is "everyone does it" justification for doing something? And, frankly, I disagree that 99% of men do porn. I do not disagree that 99% of men have struggled with some sort of pornography in the past. But I do not believe that 99% of men are "okay" with pornography and feel that it is just something that "men do."
> 
> From reading these threads, I have seen several responses from posters who say that their partners have decided to abstain from pornography or that they have never done it in the first place. "Everyone does it" is not necessarily true. Even if it was, that alone does not justify it.


I'm NOT justifying it. 

That's like me saying (and I'm just making up stuff): "The murder rate in Baton Rouge is 1/50,000. If you like living in a city with a low murder rate, Baton Rouge is probably not for you."
I think murder is wrong.
But if you're looking to avoid high murder rates, avoid Baton Rouge. 

It's syllogistic.
If MOST men look at sexual imagery when masturbating
AND, you don't want to date a man who looks at sexual imagery when masturbating,
then MOST men are men you don't want to date. 

We can quibble over percentages, but don't miss what I'm saying - most men masturbate, and most men look at something while they do. If you're not okay with this, most men are not what you're looking for.


----------



## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

My own personal view on porn is that if chosen over a real body, there is something wrong. 

You do have a right to me mad. you expressed your belief on a topic you felt strongly about and thought he was on the same page. He lied, you have a right to be mad and feel hurt. 

Wether you believe porn is good or bad or whatever the conclusion here is that it is hurting your relationship. The fact that it is hurting it makes porn, at least for this point in time, bad for your relationship right now. 

guys should not be able to use 'guys are visual', 'it better than doing the neighbor', 'dont want to bother you' as reasons. They are simply excuses. 
Sex takes work, sex with intimacy takes even more work. Guys should be willing to work at it for the sake of their relationship.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> "Everyone does it" is not necessarily true. Even if it was, that alone does not justify it.


I agree, but it is such an easy thing for a guy to fall into, it is free and plentiful and provides a rush every time. And while maybe its not 99% I think it is easily in the 90th percentile for young males that have grown up with the internet at their fingertips.

For men that have no moral qualms they will just use it whenever they want and have no shame, the problem is for the men that have moral qualms about porn, yet still feel the overwhelming compulsion to view it, they will keep it secret when they do, which really is detrimental to trust in the relationship.

I say this in order to advise most women to not fall for the idea that their guy doesn't like porn. Some may choose not to view it because they have ethical reasons and have not fallen into the trap, or else they realize that constantly dosing themselves with porn really is numbing themselves to real relationships, but even for guys who avoid it, of course they still get a rush from seeing attractive naked women being sexual, its what makes our species go on.


----------



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it well. You can NOT make yourself ok with something that you aren't ok with. I would advise you to talk with him. Don't shout, don't curse or berate. He does not view porn to hurt you. But it does hurt & he should be told why. Listen to each other. If its your dealbreaker, then better you know now & move on. If you can reach an agreement that works for both of you, then you've got something worth saving. 

Don't let anyone shame you or make you feel like you are insecure. Be strong & be true to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

I used to have very conservative feelings about porn too, then I became sexually active.

I don't think you're being very considerate of your husband. Watching porn is sexually stimualting for him. I bet he always has been and always will be. By forbidding him to watch porn, you are repressing him and devaluing his feelings. Did it ever occur to you that he might be hurt by your reactions to something he enjoys? I can't say that he's much better for not being open with you about his sexual/emotional needs, how he has dealt with your contrasting desires isn't healthy either.
Recently, since you've had your own issues with sex, denying him porn or getting mad at him for watching it must be even more frustrating.
Also, ask yourself if you are really insecure enough to be jealous of an image/video. My husband and I have talked about what is appealing about porn, generally its something we see as vicarious, we see ourselves there on the screen (we'll pick videos where people generally look similar to us.

Honestly, I think this may be a symptom of larger problems in your relationship. If you're not validating and devaluing his sexuality, how do you treat his other feelings? Is he ever open with you about feelings in general? Does he suffer from depression or low self esteem? 

A healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship. An unhealthy sex life is symptomatic of an unhealthy relationship.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

oh no....not this again....Ugh...

Look, porn isn't a big deal. It's not cheating and most guys aren't secretly wishing their wives or girlfriends looked like the actresses in them.

Women think we are lusting after the girls in these films. Wishing that the wife has DD breast sizes that look fake as hell.

For guys, watching porn isn't any different than watching sports....it's just the naked kind.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

It is simple human nature. Once you learn about it (what drives men and women) a bit, and realize your partner is only human, all this getting bent out of shape about him "looking at another woman" or her "fantasizing about knights on white horses whisking her away" (or that MFM threesom fantasy she'd NEVER actually act upon) become only so much of "nothing" that doesn't matter a lick.

Men are visual, women are mental...for the most part. I won't begrudge my wife or tell her she's less than the wonderful woman she, nor tell her she is "betraying my trust" because she has some pretty intense mental fantasies...so long as she grants me the same consideration when I occassionally look at a visual sex act on the computer or TV. Instead of getting all "butt hurt" over it, we understand it all for what it is, and both bring both these things into our lovemaking and use them to please each other even more than we already do without it.

If the OP is looking for someone who absolutely won't do it, she'll find 99% of the time they're lying about it, and 1% of the time maybe she'll hit her lottery. She just better hope that "Mr. 1%" doesn't have such a low sex drive she's not on here asking "why won't he have sex with me" in a year. Oh, and that he has a good job, is a good father, doesn't abuse her or berate her, drink too much, etc., etc., etc.

Throw away a good man because he looks at boobs on the internet? And there's no impact on the marriage beyond someone's hurt pride, ego, or insecurities? Really? God, I love my wife....


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I believe it's very naive to say that porn isn't harmful. There is a lot of evidence to suggest it is harmful to marriages.

I don't think it means you are insecure, in fact many insecure people will put up with anything and not have any boundaries. In fact many women are afraid to state how much porn hurts them or include it as a boundary because they fear it is hopeless to do so and they will be more hurt. This is because of all of the excuses made and the fact that it has become a norm to objectify and use women. That to me is very sad.

I like to think that men are smart enough to look at the evidence and know that their energies are better placed in their marriage and that the more sexual energy people focus on each other the better their sex lives will be. Of course this takes both spouses knowing themselves and being able to share deeply with each other and include each other. It does sometimes leave you vulnerable so you have to have a lot of trust.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I believe it's very naive to say that porn isn't harmful. There is a lot of evidence to suggest it is harmful to marriages.
> 
> I don't think it means you are insecure, in fact many insecure people will put up with anything and not have any boundaries. In fact many women are afraid to state how much porn hurts them or include it as a boundary because they fear it is hopeless to do so and they will be more hurt. This is because of all of the excuses made and the fact that it has become a norm to objectify and use women. That to me is very sad.
> 
> I like to think that men are smart enough to look at the evidence and know that their energies are better placed in their marriage and that the more sexual energy people focus on each other the better their sex lives will be. Of course this takes both spouses knowing themselves and being able to share deeply with each other and include each other. It does sometimes leave you vulnerable so you have to have a lot of trust.


I don't disagree. What I left out was "in moderation". Obviously, if it is decreasing a man or woman's desire for their mate, then these things aren't positive in the marriage, and it then becomes a harmful behavior.

Men are smart enough to realize this. The difference between men and women by and large is men's fantasies are found via an internet history log. Womens are all in their heads.

Trust and honesty are both KEY. Does anyone have that when they berate their man for looking at porn or their wife for fantasizing about things which then creates the desire for the "offending partner" to lie about or deny what is just very basic human nature? Fantasy is fantasy. When those are acted upon, or they otherwise cause the partaking partner to forsake their significant other, then I see it as a problem. Not until then.


----------



## BigLion (May 29, 2012)

As a guy I can tell you that is isn't very hard to change and focus your thinking from porn to your partner. People that say that we are 'only human' always seems like a bit of a cop out. And you could say that to lots of things - like drinking - I am only human I need to drink, and my partner lets me and she drinks too, so there is no problem. Even if there was a slight chance that porn was bad for a marriage (a long marriage - not just being happy for a while) it should be enough to make you stop.

I used to love porn when I was in a bad marriage but now I have the real thing, so why would I want to look at and fantasise about other women? I have seen how bad it can be and its effects. 

Having my perfect girl and thinking about her when we have sex makes me feel closer to her, it makes her feel closer to me and we get turned on by eachother and can build on our own pleasures to no end.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

BigLion said:


> As a guy I can tell you that is isn't very hard to change and focus your thinking from porn to your partner. People that say that we are 'only human' always seems like a bit of a cop out. And you could say that to lots of things - like drinking - I am only human I need to drink, and my partner lets me and she drinks too, so there is no problem. Even if there was a slight chance that porn was bad for a marriage (a long marriage - not just being happy for a while) it should be enough to make you stop.
> 
> I used to love porn when I was in a bad marriage but now I have the real thing, so why would I want to look at and fantasise about other women? I have seen how bad it can be and its effects.
> 
> Having my perfect girl and thinking about her when we have sex makes me feel closer to her, it makes her feel closer to me and we get turned on by eachother and can build on our own pleasures to no end.


Exactly! My H pretty much said the same thing to me when I became more sensitive to his needs. Of course men enjoy seeing naked women. It IS human nature to enjoy that. I'm not going to refute that 99% of men would enjoy looking at a naked woman on the internet. 

However, I do not believe that 99% of men think that pornography is a necessary part of a relationship. And I do not think that women have to accept pornography as part of their marriage. Sure, a woman might have to look harder to find a man who is committed to avoiding porn in a relationship. But these men DO exist (as evidenced by these forums alone).


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Well, that does it. From some of the comments here I see that porn is bad and hurts women's feelings and they have every right to forbid this behavior and be angry when their man views it occassionally anyway. If my W does not want it and forbids it, I should simply never do it. I understand that.

But I want to test this "men should stop using they are visual" as an excuse to view porn. So, as my W being a woman is more sexually driven mentally than visually, I want her to stop this destructive behavior. I'm now going upstairs to tell my wife her mental fantasies about being with other men or women, or including them in our lovemaking hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure about my body and abilities in bed, and I will forbid her from having them. No more mental fantasies for her! And the romance novels? In the trash they go. I could never compete with those guys. I will forbid her from reading those books. And that "Notebook" DVD? Round filed.

If you can't accept the fact that evolution of the human specie has made us this way...men lean towards the visual and women lean towards the mental in regards to sex, and that it is completely normal behavior for these tendancies carry over into sexual fantasy, I think you're putting your head in the sand and would be in for a rude awakening if you REALLY knew where your spouses head or their computer mouse has taken them from time to time.

All of this of course is in the absense of a porn addiction. That I agree is destructive. A rare dose in moderation? Not so, IMO.


----------



## whiterose2012 (Jun 18, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I believe it's very naive to say that porn isn't harmful. There is a lot of evidence to suggest it is harmful to marriages.
> 
> I don't think it means you are insecure, in fact many insecure people will put up with anything and not have any boundaries. In fact many women are afraid to state how much porn hurts them or include it as a boundary because they fear it is hopeless to do so and they will be more hurt. This is because of all of the excuses made and the fact that it has become a norm to objectify and use women. That to me is very sad.
> 
> I like to think that men are smart enough to look at the evidence and know that their energies are better placed in their marriage and that the more sexual energy people focus on each other the better their sex lives will be. Of course this takes both spouses knowing themselves and being able to share deeply with each other and include each other. It does sometimes leave you vulnerable so you have to have a lot of trust.


:iagree:
This is very well said. I think in an effort to not belittle or hurt men women often restrain their own beliefs about porn and adjust to what "most people think". 

The cliche saying is true "anything in excess is harmful" even 'good things'. Porn can be just as addicting as a chemical substance because it allows for your brain to release a feel good chemical. Do this enough and you will crave it to the point that it hurts other aspects of your life.

If you cant quit porn, refuse to even give thought to quitting, and fight like a tiger when someone goes against your hobby then Houston we have a problem!!


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, she could find the perfect guy for her. This guy lied to her. Very well too.


theres no such thing as a perfect person.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

donny64 said:


> I don't disagree. What I left out was "in moderation". Obviously, *if it is decreasing a man or woman's desire for their mate, then these things aren't positive in the marriage, and it then becomes a harmful behavior.*
> 
> Men are smart enough to realize this. The difference between men and women by and large is men's fantasies are found via an internet history log. Womens are all in their heads.
> 
> Trust and honesty are both KEY. Does anyone have that when they berate their man for looking at porn or their wife for fantasizing about things which then creates the desire for the "offending partner" to lie about or deny what is just very basic human nature? Fantasy is fantasy. When those are acted upon, or they otherwise cause the partaking partner to forsake their significant other, then I see it as a problem. Not until then.


I just want to add, that sometimes it doesn't decrease their interest in their spouse, but it does decrease their ability to perform well enough (or long enough) to satisfy their spouse.

And if it causes them to want to include ridiculous or dangerous toys or unacceptable behavior into the bedroom, then they also need to see the negative affects from it.

Sometimes, it's not the fact that they want to watch it in moderation..... but the fact that they lie about watching it.


----------



## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

how is the porn watching discussion initiated if differences in libido between husband and wife are at cause? say porn + masturbation bridges the gap between lovemaking sessions, is that unacceptable?


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Poppy said:


> Wow!! I just need to put in my two pennies worth. Porn has practically destroyed my marriage. Harmless? *My H was exposed to porn at age 12 and therefore never learned to associate sex with intimacy. Having spent nearly every night for the last 10 years of our marriage masturbating to internet porn after I went to bed, we moved to Asia for his job. He ended up having sex with prostitutes and an affair (althought he says she was no different to the others...just always available when he went to Hong Kong)*. Porn messes with your brain and when it is something that is done in secret and alone it is destructive. * Lying and deception are killers for a marriage.*


And to think, on one of the other threads this very week, some men were telling me that porn NEVER escalates to an affair...

It sure sounds to me like it does.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jman said:


> how is the porn watching discussion initiated if differences in libido between husband and wife are at cause? say porn + masturbation bridges the gap between lovemaking sessions, is that unacceptable?


For some people around here masturbation alone is unacceptable even if they`re rejecting his advances every time for years.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Porn CAN escalate into an affair (happened to my hubby). But not generally or always. It's quite possible to enjoy porn and never go past that, ESPECIALLY if you enjoy it together. 

Buy magazines and rent DVD's - there are no links to LIVE JASMINE SEX NOW sites


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Porn CAN escalate into an affair (happened to my hubby). But not generally or always. It's quite possible to enjoy porn and never go past that, ESPECIALLY if you enjoy it together.
> 
> Buy magazines and rent DVD's - there are no links to LIVE JASMINE SEX NOW sites


Thank you Hope, that is 2 on this thread alone, so I am sure it has happened to many others. 

I agree, there is no reason to lie or hide it, but enjoy it together. There is a problem if the man is watching porn instead of making love to his wife, it may be his, it may be hers, or it may be lack of communication. One thing I am SURE of though, we shouldn't presume that is the 'woman's insecurity' without knowing the whole story.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

So you went on about how much you hated porn and he went around and hid it?

Lol, welcome to what 99% of guys do. They watch porn. They hide it. Why? Because every other woman in their life has given them grief about it.

Women need to stop expecting men to be women with a penis. They aren't. They have waaaay more testosterone than we do. Hell I'm not even a man and I watch porn. People like watching other people have sex. People like watching good looking people have sex. People like to watch good looking people, period. Or Hollywood would be filled with uggos.

Do women think they're being compared to actresses on the screen of a Hollywood movie too? 

Meh, my guy watches porn. I don't know what he watches. I don't know how often. I don't care. We have great sex and he's incredible to me.


----------



## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

Porn does not cause marriages to fall apart. Bad relationships and people with intimacy issues cause marriages to fall apart.


----------



## iloveairplanes (Jun 21, 2012)

I'll quote a friend here: "Porn addiction to me is something invented by women to justify their own rationale for not being the best wife they can be to you her husband."


----------

