# Lost a child, marriage failing, and dont know what to do



## dreamer3713 (May 28, 2013)

I have needed someone to talk to and didn't know where to go until I found this site. My husband and I have been together about a year and a half. We got pregnant really quick, about 12 weeks into the pregnancy he cheated on me, decided to work through things, and then a couple weeks later we lost the baby. The next couple months were rough but things got better, we got closer. Only 3 months after having a miscarriage I got pregnant again, but this time with twins. The pregnancy wasn't exactly normal but the babies were growing fine until I started to show signs of early labor and had them at 26 weeks. They were both born healthy but due to a bad delivery our son had many issues and we had to watch him suffer for 3 months, when and where we had to make the decision to withdrawal care. The hardest decision of my life, we were losing him and it was either let him fade away in pain or end his pain and let him go to heaven. Our daughter is fine, healthy and is finally home after 4 months in the hospital. 

Our relationship has been tested so many times and we have fought through everything, until now. We bicker and fight all the time. After I had the twins I didn't lose any of the 60 pounds I had gained, my husband looks at me different now. He doesn't ever want to have sex, but claims its not me its him. If that was the case wouldn't he stop watching porn? I don't care that he does watch porn but I have noticed that instead of having sex with me he just watches porn. And when we do have sex, hell just stop and say he got off, but I know he didn't. We don't use condoms so I would know if he had actually finished, which confuses me, because if it's not me then why would he feel he has to lie about it? 

To make a long story short, he now gets angry faster, nit picks at me, doesn't want to have sex with me, fibs about stupid things, doesn't actually spend anytime with me...he just seems generally fed up with me. We had a talk yesterday about separation and he finally agreed with me about us falling apart...and acted like he considered separation until our daughter was brought up....I guess we agreed to try to go back to the beginning but I wonder how long that will actually work. He told me dutring the conversation that nothing will ever change it never does, and that we are 2 different people now and have none of the same opinions. Oh and we also have nothing in common....I'm sorry for this being so long but I don't know what to do. He just seems to hopless and negative about the situation so I don't know if this "going back to the beginning" will work. I feel I am a good woman, and a good wife, but I don't know how long I can go without the sexual connection and feeling like my husband is attracted to me and loves me. I do everything for him, just to feel like I don't get anything back. Sex doesn't make the relationship but it is a important part in it, there are connections and feelings during sex, you don't get anywhere else..... can anyone help me? Any opinions about my situation?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You husband sounds extremely depressed. Has he had any counseling to deal with the losses you've suffered?


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## dreamer3713 (May 28, 2013)

He wont get counseling, hes the kind of person you have to persuade to even get him to tell you how he truly feels normally. When we had a talk about our relationship, at first he wouldn't talk about it and then he finally admitted that he felt the same way about most of what I was saying


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand your situation as it's similar to what I went through years ago... but your situation is worse. I'll explain.


I had a miscarriage at the end of the 4th month of my first pregnancy. About 2 years later I was pregnant with twins. Then, like you went into premature labor in the 26th week. The twins died when I was in labor. They were still born. I watched their little hearts stop beating on the ultrasound that day. The first one died in the morning. The other later that night. They were born about a hour after the last one died.

Your situation was much worse because your baby lived for a few months. I am sure that you and your husband are in horrible emotional pain from what you went through.

A high percentage of marriages do not last after a loss like this. Sadly, what you and your husband are going through is normal.

You are both probably very depressed. I was a mess for the better part of 3 years. It was not until we adopted our son 3 years later. The first two years were horrible. The 3rd year I was mostly ok. But I remember things like my office mate at work having a baby and all I could do was cry. I felt like such a horrible person. She would start to talk about her baby in the office and I would just start to cry. She was a sweet person and understood. But it was terrible.

Then we adopted our son. He was 10 days out. From that day forward the pain was gone. Very strange.

If your husband will not go to counseling, you need to go for yourself. There are support groups for people who have lost a child. We went to oen for a couple of years. They really do help. There are also good self help books on the topic.

Hopefully your husband will start to work towards recovery. But if you work to recover you will be more able to help him through this. It takes a long time to recovery from the death of a baby. 

(((((HUGS)))))


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## dreamer3713 (May 28, 2013)

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It hurts my heart to read what you went through as well. Where can I find support groups? Just look around online? I always thought I didn't need to go to them, but there aren't many people in my life that actually understand what we go through. When the twins were in the nicu, I knew my husband was hurting but I didn't understand why he reacted the way he did. After a few days/ a week, I had to deal with his attitude if I made him go with me to see them. It's like he wanted to go hang out with his friends and try to live normal life when life was anything but normal. I literally went to see our children everyday for a while and then every other day, 90% of the time by myself. This made me feel alone and not supported by my husband. I quit asking him to go because he would ruin my visits with them by being rude and pushy wanting to leave. He refused to hold our son until the very end and I felt like I had to almost force him then but we were taking pictures and I wanted pics of girls and boys together, my daughter and I...and my husband and my son. I know he griefs too, but in all honesty I don't feel like he acted like he cared near as much as he should have when we had our son here, so why would he be so depressed now? Does that make sense? I am not try to bash my husband, but that's what I noticed. My family was always complaining about it to me as well. About that and the fact that my husbands family never went to see them either. His mom went to see them literally 4 times in a 3 month period of time: when they were born, when we thought he was going to pass, one time to sit and read to them, and the last was when we had made the decision to let him go. So as bad as it sounds I cant help but wonder how much did any of them truly care? It hurt me so bad because they didn't take the time to get to know my baby boy when they could have. And my family knew him better than his own father did sadly. Im sorry but this is just how I feel and things I wonder about. I love my husband, but I don't agree with how he acted. I guess I don't feel like he should be as depressed as me, and maybe that's bad of me, I don't know. And I try to make things better, and get negstivity in return. I didn't type all of thi before, because it makes a such a long story.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm so sorry.

There is a website called stillbirthday (Still Birth Day // a pregnancy loss is still a birthday), I know the woman who runs it. It's a great resource, and she can pair you up with a mentor--a woman who's been through a similar loss and will be there to help you through it too. The woman who runs it is named Heidi.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I did a quick Google search on "support group for infant death". Here's a few of the first ones of the list. I could not find the one that I used to go to. It's name began with an "R". It was a national organization with local chapters.

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc.

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (MEND)

This page has a long list.. some just for parents who lost twins
Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband's behavior was a bit odd but it was probably the only way he could handle what happened. It sounds like his family handles hard situations via avoidance.

Does he talk about his grief at all?


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