# Husband makes his family a priority over me...



## Mia Luvera (Dec 25, 2013)

It's a very long story, but I've been married for almost 6 years now and it's been a struggle surviving with his controlling family. They are Latinos, so they are culturally different and have different view and values than most of the world.

My husband's sister-in-law has always refused to let go of him. She will call and tell him to close a window in our house or to help her with something, ignoring that he's married. She ignores me and goes straight to my husband whenever it comes to functions that she's planning. She's very controlling and doesn't like when others try to make plans as she likes to be in charge of every gathering and expect everyone to fit into her plans. On many occasions she has ruined any plans I made and she has basically tried to stop me from fitting into the family.

She's manipulative and goes out of her way to make sure I fit into what she and the rest of the family are doing, not allowing me to be myself, to be an individual. I think she is insecure that I may change her family dynamic which she is trying to hold onto and she is not accepting that things change when family members get married. She's still treating my husband like he's single.

She's a bit of a home wrecker because she will intentionally set up situations to cause conflict between me and my husband and she will use family members in these situations. The short example is... I was planning a trip for the family one December to south America. When she found out what I was doing she quickly planned to take everyone there in August, knowing that we didn't have the money to go so short notice and meaning we had to cancel our December plans. She also ruined our Christmas plans last year by canceling the plans we had made with the family, instead telling everyone to be at her house. This is just the start of it. Her family are known for being showy, they like to one-up other members and are always attention seeking.

My husband's dad has such a nasty temper and does not respect that we are married and I should be a priority over them. All I have ever wanted was to feel confident in my marriage, to know that I come first before his family, but I have never had this confidence. For a while I've been wanting to start some Christmas traditions with my husband as a married couple, with which we could also share with family members, but family have not allowed us to do that. This Christmas I was looking forward to doing a buffet at the house for Christmas eve and was thinking about maybe inviting his parents over maybe. My husband's SIL quickly sent out invitations to the family inviting them for a Christmas eve gathering at her house. Knowing that I don't agree with their beliefs she made sure to make a big deal out of everyone going to a Catholic mass before dinner. That was the ultimate slap in the face. The invitation was basically "be here at this time and bring this" with no asking if we already had plans.

His SIL was so manipulative that she and his dad were constantly calling to ask if he would be there and his dad got angry when he said no. My husband decided to go and leave me here on my own on Christmas eve because his dad expected him there.

His family always seem to come before me. It is all of them and me sitting on my own on the outside of the circle. It's like he's married to his family, it's not healthy at all. He spent all of Christmas eve at his SIL's house and came back around midnight. He knew I wouldn't be happy, but he chose to make me unhappy over his father. This has ruined Christmas for me. I have no desire to spend Christmas day with my husband or any other days over the holidays. This is the worst Christmas I've ever had.

His SIL's daughter sent out invites for everyone to have breakfast at her house on Christmas day. This isn't normal to me. My husband is supposed to be wanting to work at a family with me and build our life and traditions together but I feel trapped in this mess. This has been going on for years. 3 years ago my husband's SIL quickly planned a new year's celebration in her cabin. She got everyone to go so that my husband would not be able to resist going. He joined them for 4 days over new year's, leaving me here on my own at the house with no car (as he took ours with him) and he then returned on the 2nd Jan. I thought he had changed since that time but now he does this again on Christmas eve.

I've had enough of this controlling family. I want to build a life with my husband, but his family are holding us back.

I don't know how I can put this aside and get on with Christmas. Christmas is ruined for me this year 

Not sure how to get his SIL to stop interfering in our marriage. She's in her 50's now and has had her children and that time to build her traditions, but she won't let anyone else get on with their lives, she's holding us back and she knows how my my husband's dad wants to keep all the family together constantly, so she has them wrapped around her finger and using them to manipulate my husband also. All is very sad 

My parents are sad at what's going on. They don't live in the same country as me so it's just me here with him and his family. They are sad that he's not looking after me as a married man should.

Please give me your advice on what to do about this situation.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You don't have an inlaw problem, you have a husband problem. I am gobsmacked that he's leaving you home alone on Christmas Eve.

If I were you, I'd be doing everything in my power to move away from them. This would drive me absolutely crazy.

I have controlling inlaws too, MIL especially, but I'm lucky that my husband has my back...yours does not.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I agree with what others said - it sounds like you have a husband relationship problem. 
Did you not get invited to these family gatherings he went to while you stayed home?
I would differ with your opinion that Latinos are somehow not like most of the rest of the world. A large portion of the world is made up of Latinos.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mia, I think you should choose your battles wisely. You do not have family in your area, and you resent their behavior, but you're actually doing the same thing. You know that they'll have Christmas plans, but you tried to "start a new tradition" that would disrupt their planning the same way your SIL disrupted your vacation plans. 

Also, you can certainly start some new traditions with your husband that don't include his extended family - traditions that don't conflict with theirs by requiring extended periods of time when you know they're likely to want a family gathering. An advent calendar, a 12-days of Christmas celebration, or an elf-on-a-shelf event doesn't require (and would not accommodate) his family's participation, but can be done around their events. 

Can you talk with your husband and agree to support and attend his family's functions as long as they don't conflict with your non-holiday functions, like vacations?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

WOW! This sounds a lot like my boyfriends family. Manipulative, controlling, ostentatious, ignorant, self-absorbed...they can do no wrong BUT everyone else' way of life is wrong. You don't don't anything for them. They do it all. They are just selfish and all about self gain. I tell ya...I don't have anything to do with them. You are better than me dealing with it and because I don't put up with that shet anymore I am OVERLY SENSITIVE. Id rather be that way than walked on and taken advantage of and being dumped on about my self worth!!!! I cant tell you what action to take as far as obsessive and controlling people like that go. I just got the heck away from his. Could care less now if I ever had anything to do with them ever again. Harsh...OH WELL!!! enough is enough..for me anyways. Hopefully there is some resolution for you! Hopefully.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like the very relationship my husband has had with his sister and the way you have described your SIL is exactly like husband's sis. I really really tried hard with the family but I just was always an outsider and to me the family was too close, almost clan-like. My husband's father is a very rude man, his mother was completely over-bearing. We have been married 21 years and after about 15 years of marriage I finally had to draw some lines. I was sick of being treated like I was nothing and they having more say-so than me with my husband and husband being a push-over with his family so I stopped having anything to do with them. The family is not latino, plain ole white people from the northern part of the states. I do not go to functions, do not have his family on my FB, do not exchange b.day or Christmas presents with them. I have absolutely nothing to do with them and I find my life more peaceful this way. I am a social persona and I like to have fun. I get along well with people but the family dynamic here was just too much to deal with for me.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I agree with the others. You should have a heart to heart with your husband and let him know how you feel when he chooses his family over being with you. Let him know that you understand his family is very close and wants to see him often but compromises would go a long way to build a better relationship, especially over holidays. 

You could make plans to visit your family next year, as it is important to you and see if he wants to go too. 

As far as his sis. Well I would probably be glad someone else wanted to do all that stuff. You can play the game or put the ball down. Either you start pestering her about her plans for the family and get involved or you don't go. My understanding of many latino families is they are ingrained to go to everyone's everything. It is very difficult to alter that course but is possible. 

My last bit. Work these things out before you have any children, because it will only get worse. If this is a deal breaker for you then you know what you have to do.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Definitely talk to your dh about all of this, but be prepared to set some boundaries.

Before kids, you are free. With kids, it all gets more complicated.


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