# My ex is constantly trying to alter custody schedule



## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

As my ex-wife and I were going through our divorce last year, she put together a 50/50 custody schedule that was a mess, but seemed to work with her 3rd shift schedule and my 1st shift schedule.

A couple of months later, she came up with a new schedule (2 week rotating) to accommodate her transition to first shift. Now, she is requesting to alter days nearly every week. So much so, that it's hard for me to remember what week of the two week rotation that we are on.

A few days ago she said she wanted to change a couple of days this week, and offered to take my son this Friday when I would normally have him. Thought it was a bit odd, she typically never offers to take him for additional time. Today, I received a text that she would like me to take him NEXT Friday because she needs to work 2nd shift -which is also odd, since during our entire marriage, she never had to work a different shift.

Now, I feel like this was all pre-planned. I know she is seeing someone else, so I kind of want to draw the line and say that we need to stick to our court ordered arrangement. I don't know if I should do that because (1) I would definitely take my son an extra day if needed since I love having him (2) The moment I need help for a legitimate reason, she will throw it in my face if I decline.

She cheated, lied about it, broke the marriage off and I just feel like she is still being manipulative... I literally have no idea why I still love this woman. I have always been pleasant and cordial despite the fact that I am devastated by what happened to us and the fact that she treats me like garbage. I don't think I should be a doormat any longer. Thoughts?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Stick to the court-ordered agreement. She can hire a sitter for those evenings she wants to date, or has to work. If she wants to use you as the sitter, that's fine, but you shouldn't "owe" her a day in return.

Kids need stability and predictability.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

:iagree:

Just because she asks doesn't mean you have to agree to it. Tell her you have structured your time based on the custody ORDER, she should to the same. If it doesn't work, she can take it to court.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If you are happy to have the time, your time with your kids trumps the fact you are helping her as a by-product.

And being agreeable will go a long way when you need a favor as you pointed out. But a constant need for last minute changing is confusing for the kids as well as you.

I suggest that you start off by asking if her schedule is changing permanently or if she's just switching shifts with someone - in other words is this a few isolated incidents or should you two look at making a new schedule and adding that as an addendum to the order.

That way she knows you are agreeable to long-term necessary changes but not a bunch of flighty, last minute stuff merely to make her life easier.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If you are happy to have the time, your time with your kids trumps the fact you are helping her as a by-product.
> 
> And being agreeable will go a long way when you need a favor as you pointed out. But a constant need for last minute changing is confusing for the kids as well as you.
> 
> ...


Trust me, I have gone out of my way to help her. Like I said, I treat her as I would someone I love, because I still do. The problem is that she now treats me as an enemy, so our communication is always awkward. 

She already made two seperate schedules in a very short time and when I spoke with her last night, she wants to change it again. My son has gone through noticeable changes over the past month or so... he now has crying spells and when I speak with him about it, he says he hates that his mom and dad are divorced. It's very hard on us, and changing the schedule again is only going to make things worse.

I just don't know what to do...


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Let me just add this. Honestly, whatever I have to do to make life easier for my son, I will do. I love him to death. After last night, I am now seeking to get counseling for him and I. My job as a parent right now is to protect him every way I can, even if it's against the other one I love... I will not let her continue to ruin lives.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Clawed said:


> Let me just add this. Honestly, whatever I have to do to make life easier for my son, I will do. I love him to death. After last night, I am now seeking to get counseling for him and I. *My job as a parent right now is to protect him every way I can, even if it's against the other one I love... I will not let her continue to ruin lives.*


Allowing your ex to treat you as a doormat is not protecting him. And you are only enabling your ex's lack of respect for you.

You might be surprised. Tell her that you are going to stick with the court-ordered visitation. Her respect for you may grow.

Stop being* her* Daddy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> And being agreeable will go a long way when you need a favor as you pointed out.


Not with a user like this.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Allowing your ex to treat you as a doormat is not protecting him. And you are only enabling your ex's lack of respect for you.
> 
> You might be surprised. Tell her that you are going to stick with the court-ordered visitation. Her respect for you may grow.
> 
> Stop being* her* Daddy.


That's true. I try to keep all of our communication to texting. Unfortunately, we have to see each other for the exchange. I have no problem stating that I would like to stick to the court order (via text). However, this does not stop her from bringing things up in front of him during the exchange. I am doing the best I can.

My pastor has just offered to counsel him at no cost, but of course, even though this will be good for him, I believe that I have to clear it with the ex first since we have joint decision making. I expect I will be met with resistence there as well.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Clawed said:


> That's true. I try to keep all of our communication to texting. Unfortunately, we have to see each other for the exchange. I have no problem stating that I would like to stick to the court order (via text). However, this does not stop her from bringing things up in front of him during the exchange. I am doing the best I can.
> 
> My pastor has just offered to counsel him at no cost, but of course, even though this will be good for him, I believe that I have to clear it with the ex first since we have joint decision making. I expect I will be met with resistence there as well.


Master this phrase:

"I'm not ok with that change"

No other explaining.

You don't owe her a "why" - you never ever did.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Master this phrase:
> 
> "I'm not ok with that change"
> 
> ...


Good advice. Thank you - because it's hard sometimes when you still want to appease the ex. After all, I still love her, but she no longer loves me.

I think it's wise to keep things as consistent as possible for our son.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Clawed said:


> Good advice. Thank you - because it's hard sometimes when you still want to appease the ex. After all, I still love her, but she no longer loves me.
> 
> I think it's wise to keep things as consistent as possible for our son.


Let us know how it goes.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Clawed said:


> That's true. I try to keep all of our communication to texting. Unfortunately, we have to see each other for the exchange. I have no problem stating that I would like to stick to the court order (via text). However, this does not stop her from bringing things up in front of him during the exchange. I am doing the best I can.
> 
> My pastor has just offered to counsel him at no cost, but of course, even though this will be good for him, I believe that I have to clear it with the ex first since we have joint decision making. I expect I will be met with resistence there as well.


Ex used to bring up stuff in front of kiddo - he'd visit her at daycare and when I picked her up would hang around and ask me to reduce child support or some other thing. Then he started putting HER on the phone to ask for another overnight, etc.

In person - just say "I don't think it's appropriate to discuss adult issues in front of our son" and walk away, turn your back and keep doing whatever. If she does it again say "I won't discuss this in front of our son" or "I said NOT NOW". You can text her later that you will NEVER discuss anything in front of him so she needs to stop of she cares about her son because it's hurtful for him to hear stuff and puts him in the middle. Because then the kid starts to lobby one parent or the other - it encourages them to choose sides with whoever has the most intriguing plans.

My judge even put it in the order that adults were to decide on any issues together and THEN present what they decided on to the kid - along with stipulations that the order, custody, visitation and support should NOT be discussed with or in front of her. Finally I told him "I'm sticking to the Judge's order" enough times that he stopped asking for exceptions like you did. 

And most recently, he did call, ask me politely about a change and I told him as long as he asks ME first, I will likely say yes unless I have a conflict, but if he EVER asks in front of her or brings it up in front of her my answer WILL be no. Of course he picked her up after school yesterday to visit for a bit without asking me.  

That was one of the alienating behaviors - plant the idea of a great, fun activity to take place on MY time, ask me for the exception in front of her and then I have to be the bad guy and say no or cave. I had to stop it and that seemed to be the only way.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Status Quo. Whatever you do now shall bite you in the ass when it can hurt the most.

Court Orders. Follow them. She offers you to have son extra time, you take him happily. She asks for extra time or changes, 'I'm not sure I can do that.' She pressures you, exercise the art of silence.

Follow your court order and NEVER give up time. If you absolutely have to, try working our swap times.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with follow the court order. You are going to be co-parenting the kiddo for awhile so do not set a standard of whatever is easier for her. Put your foot down here and take a stand. In the end the kiddos interest has to be first but her using him as a pawn to manipulate things is not what that means.


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