# My Story of Destruction and Recovery (Part 1)



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

WARNING....this is LONG!!!!!

Several months ago, I posted a small blurb about my affair and received both encouragement and hateful comments. I took all those comments and processed them and used them towards my efforts at reconciliation with my BS.

Six weeks ago, I commented on a post from a BS offering suggestions as to what to expect from his WS based on my own experiences. I was asked to share my story. Please keep in mind, that this is a story that does not have an end, nor will it ever have an end......

A little over five years ago I met the xOM. We were at a party at the house of some mutual friends. My BS was not present, nor was the xOM's BS. At the time, my BS was travelling regularly for his job. He was gone nearly every weekend, and at times for a week or more. I work full time and at the time had two children, ages 4.5 and 1.5. The xOM's BS was home, 8 months pregnant with their first child.

At this party, the xOM and I made eye contact regularly and flirted. We were both spending the night at the friend's house and thus both were drinking rather heavily. Before the night ended, the xOM found me alone and kissed me. I pulled away and suggested it was not a good idea. Although, I was honestly flattered and exhilarated by the attention. We slept in different rooms.

The next morning, I awoke and went downstairs. My friend had coffee brewing. I sat in the kitchen and socialized for a few over a cup of coffee. Once my coffee was gone, I gathered my things and bid my farewell. The xOM indicated that he would be leaving, too. We walked out of the house together. As we were walking down the driveway to our cars, he gave me his business card and told me to call him. I didn't anticipate that I would call him, but gave him my number in return....something I had never done since I met my BS.

Less than a week later the xOM called me. We talked for some time...about the party and other small talk. He said he would like to see me again. I liked the attention and the feeling of "butterflies" in my stomach (which now I know I should have seen as a big red flag), but I was noncommittal. We had several conversations over the course of a couple weeks, and I gradually found my inhibitions being dropped. I didn't hear from the xOM for a couple weeks, but learned that the xOM's BS had their baby. A few weeks later I started getting calls again. About 2 months after I first met the xOM, I invited him to my house in the evening knowing that my BS would be out of town and my children would be asleep. I was ignorant to think that anything other than what happened would occur. 

We sat at the kitchen table talking for a while over a beer. I showed him a little around the house. And he made his move....we started kissing. Hesitantly at first, and then it became more passionate. He asked if there was any place we could go. I led him to a spare room in the basement that conveniently had a bed. Not to minimize what I did, but because the details of the sexual experience I feel are immaterial in this setting....I will just say that we had sex.

He was at my house for no more than 1.5 hours. Between the conversation and the sex. He had to get home to his BS and new baby.

How did I feel about what I had done? Shocked....Disgusted....yes! But unfortunately, I felt like I has escaped my realty for a little while and that felt good.

A few days passed and the xOM called. We talked a bit about nothing in particular and we both acknowledged enjoying seeing each other again. We spoke every few days, sometimes I would call him as well. A couple weeks later we made plans to meet again just like we had previously. I saw him 3 more times, at my home, in my basement, and then told him we needed to stop. We were both married, me with two kids, him with a newborn. We just couldn't continue. He seemed to accept that and we said goodbye.

A few months passed and he called again. After a few conversations, we started the A back up again. Once or twice, I went to his house (in a spare bedroom) but mostly he was at my house when my BS was away. We saw each other once every 2 or 3 weeks for about 3 months. Again, I tried to end things, out of guilt.....but never was strong enough to just END it. A few months would pass and we'd start up again.

After about 2 years of going back and forth, my children were getting older, and staying up later. I found it more difficult to have the xOM to my house. The meetings became less frequent, but the A continued. We would meet at the xOM's house or at a hotel (4 times). The xOM had his second child, my BS lost his mother, during both times there were gaps in the A, but the A would pick up again.

The last 2.5 years of the A were all initiated by the xOM. I made not contact with him unless he contacted me first. Months would sometimes pass, but I would end up seeing him eventually. We never exchanged expressions of emotion to each other, we never socialized together over drinks or dinner. We never spent the night together or go away together. It was purely a sexual A. For me it was not even about the sex, it was an escape. As drugs are an escape for some, I used the sex as an escape. I did not want to be with the xOM in a relationship, I did not love him. I was not jealous of the xOM's BS, I did not want him to leave her nor did I want to leave my BS.

So...after 5 years of lying and cheating, D-day arrived. I came home from a "meeting" which was actually a hotel evening with the xOM. I went to bed an hour or so from getting home and my BS came into our room and threw my computer at me inquiring as to why there was a hotel receipt in my email for that night. I fumbled around my words in shock of what was happening. I knew that my BS had every right to leave me and expected that he would.

I initially denied knowing what it was about. Then slowing started with half truths..."it was only a couple times" "it was only a few months, couple years" then it was THE TRUTH. My BS called the xOM from my phone. My BS told the xOM that he should tell his wife or my BS would. At this point, the life that my BS thought he had was over and the lies that I had lived were over.

I was ignorant to think that I wouldn't get caught. I was too weak to stop it from continuing. I hate to admit that it took my BS finding out about my A to snap me back into reality and to realize that I was being a f'ng idiot. There has been no contact with the xOM since he left the hotel room that night. There will never be contact with the xOM ever again. I feel no loss for that. I could really care less if I never see him again. I could have lost EVERYTHING that I love because of him and would never risk that again.

So what has happened since Dday? I will start here, but will have to finish in a subsequent post as I need to get lunch for the kids......

The first 72 hours after my BS confronted me were the most difficult hours of my life. My BS was so angry and hurt....there were tears and yelling and more tears and more yelling. I initially tried to blame my BS. I said I was unhappy with him because he didn't do this or that. LIES! I said I was unhappy with him because of things that he did. LIES! At the time I really didn't understand why I was unhappy, why I had the A, why I wanted to escape. I was not only lying to my BS, but I spent years lying to myself. I was at least able in these first few hours to tell my BS that I had been sleeping with the xOM for 5 years. 

And now I could start with the truth......


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Standard story, we've all been on either side of similar stories. I hope you've learned your lesson.But thank you for contributing all the same and I hope you post regularly, the WSs coming on here can benefit from a fWS


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your story. It is helpful to some of the members to see the story told from your side.

If you don't mind me asking, this part here:



> How did I feel about what I had done? Shocked....Disgusted....yes!


The disgust was directed at what? Yourself? The event? How exactly did you rationalize it in order to continue doing this?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

costa200 said:


> The disgust was directed at what? Yourself? The event? How exactly did you rationalize it in order to continue doing this?


Yes...I was shocked and disgusted with myself. I never imagined I would every do anything like this. I cried to myself, but I was in such a state of self denial that I didn't know what my truth was anymore. There is more to the back story that led me to this point, which I plan on addressing as I progress through my story. Let's just say that I had emotionally left my husband 2 years before the affair even started. I was so blinded by my own lies to myself, that I couldn't recognize the truth if it hit me. So, the rationalizations were based on lies...I was unhappy and as far as I thought, miserable in my marriage, and thought that it was my BS's fault. I know better now.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Please, when you have the time to continue your story do so. I think it has a very high educational value for a board like this.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

To JB100, my husband WAS a pilot, but I don't think I mentioned that previously. He left his flying career about 6 months prior to Dday.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Thank you for sharing. I am sure that was hard to write but at the same time it was probably a bit of a release for you as well. My wife told me that she was almost relieved when I discovered the affair because she was so stressed trying to cover it up. Also my wife expressed the A was an escape from our reality. Bills, kids, fights and she was flattered by the attention as well. 

Best of luck to you and your husband


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And did you BS smartly follow through and tell the OMW what a cheating piece of trash she was married to?

Did your BS exposé your cheating to the friends that helped start the affair?

Did your BS divorce you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> The first 72 hours after my BS confronted me were the most difficult hours of my life. My BS was so angry and hurt....there were tears and yelling and more tears and more yelling. * I initially tried to blame my BS*. I said I *was unhappy with him because he didn't do this or that.* LIES! * I said I was unhappy with him because of things that he did*. LIES! At the time I really didn't understand why I was unhappy, why I had the A, why I wanted to escape. I was not only lying to my BS, but I spent years lying to myself. I was at least able in these first few hours to tell my BS that I had been sleeping with the xOM for 5 years.
> 
> And now I could start with the truth......


Thanks for sharing your story.

Does your BS now know it wasn't his fault? Have you stopped blaming him. 

As a BS, I was also blamed for my WH's EA (I believe many of us BS are blamed)... it took him several days to realize that I may have had something to do with the breakdown of the marriage but I had NOTHING to do with his choice to have an EA.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Thanks for your story and reply. It is good that you realized the error of your ways but 5 years is a very very very long time to lie.
> 
> That is 5 years of your husband sleeping next to you not knowing that someone else had been with you.
> That is 5 years of your husband laughing with you, crying with you, hugging you, traveling with you, and spending time with you all the while you looked him in the eyes and lied.
> ...


During the affair, I did think of my husband and what this would do to him....but not enough. Needless to say I was completely self absorbed and extremely shortsighted. There are a lot of what ifs and could haves and should haves that I have faced over the past few months, but what I most need to deal with right now is the facts of what I did, and how I will do things differently now that I recognize how my actions have hurt the one person who has the most faith in me.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And did you BS smartly follow through and tell the OMW what a cheating piece of trash she was married to?
> 
> Did your BS exposé your cheating to the friends that helped start the affair?
> 
> ...


Yes, my BS exposed the affair to all parties. The xOMs BS is divorcing him...long story, but he continued to lie and try to cover things up. The friends who you mention learned of the affair only after Dday, and have turned their backs on me and my BS because my BS exposed the affair to xOMs wife and lay blame on him for their divorce. They remain friends with xOM.

My BS is still with me. We both accept the years of work and repair ahead of us and know that this is a lifelong commitment.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Monroe said:


> Thanks for sharing your story.
> 
> Does your BS now know it wasn't his fault? Have you stopped blaming him.
> 
> As a BS, I was also blamed for my WH's EA (I believe many of us BS are blamed)... it took him several days to realize that I may have had something to do with the breakdown of the marriage but I had NOTHING to do with his choice to have an EA.


Yes....I remind him regularly that our marital issues aside, I am the only one at fault for my A. My choices alone have brought us to this difficult point in our lives. I take all the blame for the affair!


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

wow, he is still with you? Amazing. so you got a way with everything, nice life you have there.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Yes, JB...I did have experience being cheated on. I know how it feels. I never imagined I could ever do such a thing myself. I now know that I lost myself somewhere along the way and regret to have hurt my BS the way I have. I can only be thankful, now that I have a second chance, knowing I will never get another.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Beelzebub said:


> wow, he is still with you? Amazing. so you got a way with everything, nice life you have there.


I wouldn't call any of this a "nice life". Not a day goes by that I don't have to answer to him. I have opened myself up completely and have complete transparency. How do you think it feels to know that someone is watching your every move and not trusting a word you say, despite all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining....I am grateful to have this chance. But there is NOTHING easy about it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I thought that your H made the decision to reconcile too fast. He agreed with me. But he already made the decision to R by then. You are very lucky


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The last 2.5 years of the A were all initiated by the xOM.


Like it is any better. Like you did not enjoy the encounters. What was it you were getting out of them? I'm getting pissed off. I will check this thread out later


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> I wouldn't call any of this a "nice life". Not a day goes by that I don't have to answer to him. I have opened myself up completely and have complete transparency. How do you think it feels to know that someone is watching your every move and not trusting a word you say, despite all of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining....I am grateful to have this chance. But there is NOTHING easy about it.


Why should he trust you again? 5 years is a long time


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I thought that your H made the decision to reconcile too fast. He agreed with me. But he already made the decision to R by then. You are very lucky


He may have agreed with some of the points you had made, but there have been several times over the past few months that I have told him that if he needs to leave, I understand. I know his decision is always subject to change. I don't feel deserving of the chance he is giving me....but I will do my best to make his decision worth it.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Why should he trust you again?


I'm not implying he should. That's just a tough spot to be in.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> He may have agreed with some of the points you had made, but there have been several times over the past few months that I have told him that if he needs to leave, I understand. I know his decision is always subject to change. I don't feel deserving of the chance he is giving me....but I will do my best to make his decision worth it.


It would be a no brainer if it was only you he was leaving. Don't miss the logic here. 5 years is a long time. It was almost half the marriage(If I recall correctly). He did not want to be a part time dad. He is working as hard as you are for reconciling. Believe me

One more question. How do you deal with becoming the pariah among your friends in this situation? (You said friends left you right). I think your H mentioned it in his posts too.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Like it is any better. Like you did not enjoy the encounters. What was it you were getting out of them? I'm getting pissed off. I will check this thread out later


No, its not any better. I was just giving the facts. Be pissed off all you want.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> It would be a no brainer if it was only you he was leaving. Don't miss the logic here. 5 years is a long time. It was almost half the marriage(If I recall correctly). He did not want to be a part time dad. He is working as hard as you are for reconciling. Believe me
> 
> One more question. How do you deal with becoming the pariah among your friends in this situation? (You said friends left you right). I think your H mentioned it in his posts too.


Oh, I know how hard he is working. We are working through this TOGETHER. The transparency works both ways. When communications are lacking, which is much of what led to my initial checking out, nothing is going to be accomplished. We are both working hard at communicating, both the good and bad. 

In terms of the situation with our friends, I'd appreciate if you'd keep by BS forum comments silent on this forum until I have an opportunity to address things. I think that there are plenty of WS who could learn through my experiences.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> Yes, my BS exposed the affair to all parties. The xOMs BS is divorcing him...long story, but he continued to lie and try to cover things up. *The friends who you mention learned of the affair only after Dday, and have turned their backs on me and my BS because my BS exposed the affair to xOMs wife and lay blame on him for their divorce.* They remain friends with xOM.


Ok, I won't mention it again but I thought you were already talking about it.


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## Beelzebub (Jun 26, 2012)

Do you wanna bet that in few months or years you are going to do it again?
for the past 5 years you been getting two flavours once a week from your husband and every night from the another man.
you will miss that in future, you will think about better ways of hiding it, and you will convice yourself that your husband will get hurt then forgive you. 
cheater is always a cheater


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Beelzebub said:


> Do you wanna bet that in few months or years you are going to do it again?
> for the past 5 years you been getting two flavours once a week from your husband and every night from the another man.
> you will miss that in future, you will think about better ways of hiding it, and you will convice yourself that your husband will get hurt then forgive you.
> cheater is always a cheater


Enough!!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Guys, someone from the "other side" is telling her story. She doesn't represent cheaters worldwide and you don't have any reason to dump hate on her. I understand BS pain and need to vent. But do it to the person that wronged you. It serves no point to throw stones at Regret214.

You may lose the chance to learn something.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

The OP has come here seeking insight and support regarding infidelity and how it impacted the marriage. I'll remind everyone that the forum rules specify treating others with respect, and no name calling. If the circumstances are too hurtful for you personally to be respectful, please refrain from replying.

As a moderator, I'd prefer to keep this at the level of a reminder.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Ok, I won't mention it again but I thought you were already talking about it.


Just as a response....I will deal with the fallout in Part 3!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow, Wow, Wow Regret.

Your husband really, really loves you a lot. I hope you smile when you read that sentence.

Thank you for sharing. I know many of us get upset reading a story of betrayal but I think it is important when a cheater owns up, mans or womans up and fights for their marriage with their BS.

Just recognize your husbands gift of R for what it is. *The greatest gift a spouse can give to a wayward spouse.....*

Keep sharing because I think it is important to show others that when two people love each other and the wayward spouse is remorseful there is the chance of having a great shot at a better more meaningful marriage then the first.

It just might take a lifetime to get there!!!

But then again many people forget that marriage is for a lifetime as long as both spouse's feel the same way.

HM64


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Good luck.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Have you been tempted to break NC ?? or maybe start another affair ?? flashbacks or anything ?? what if you find yourself in the same frame of mind what precautions would do differently ??


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Have you been tempted to break NC ?? or maybe start another affair ?? flashbacks or anything ?? what if you find yourself in the same frame of mind what precautions would do differently ??


no, I have not been tempted to break NC nor do I have any desire to start another affair. what I did was deplorable! I choose never the show such lack of integrity again. if ever I find myself faced with such a choice (and I pray I won't be) I have promised to walk away first, and I will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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