# Husband never been sexually attracted



## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

good morning, all,
I have been struggling with what to do and what is best for me and my marriage. I have been back and forth with my husband over the past 9 years asking why we never make love. I think the biggest year we had was 5 times in a year and it's been about twice a year now. He just told me 5 days ago that the secret he's been keeping is that he's never been sexually attracted to me. I have 75% of the everything he's looking for except that. 
There are, of course, a lot of other events that have happened in our marriage but he's never told me that until now.
I have loved him 100%, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. we have a ton in common and we are affectionate but not passionate..ie: He will cuddle with me all night long and hold my hand and kiss...but not make out...just kiss. It's nice but now that I know what's going on, I'm terribly sad.
I weighed more when we met and I've been working out 3 times a week with trainers and twice a week for cardio so my shape has changed for the better and I'm more fit than I've been in years. He has noticed the change in my shape but says that when the chemistry isn't there, he doesn't see how it can be created. 
We went to see a marriage counselor 2 days ago and she agreed- the chemistry is either there or it's not. 
I don't know exactly what I'm asking or what I'm looking for. I think I'd just love to hear what you think and what you would do. I don't want this to be bitter or hostile and I don't know what I want yet. I'm leaning towards ending it but it's very difficult because I've never loved someone as much and I never dreamed that this is where I would end up. I'm 44 if it matters. I'm not thin but I'm working on that but I have a great shape. He told me he prefers a smaller chest (not me) and a round butt (not me right now nor when we met)...I'm more voluptuous with an hourglass figure with hips and chest. I always thought I had a good figure and have had excellent 'romantic' partners, long term as well in the past so I was very surprised. I would not go on a 2nd date with someone I thought I could not be attracted to so I'm having a really difficult time understanding why he married me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Never? That makes no sense. That just sounds mean.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Never? That makes no sense. That just sounds mean.


:iagree: He's more than likely lying. The chemistry being there or it isn't sounds stupid too. Get a new counselor. You can work with each other to get the spark back as long as he is willing. Ask him what things he finds sexy besides body measurements. Don't take "I don't know". To me it sounds like he's looking for an excuse for actions or pending actions.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with Kobo. If he married a woman he's not attracted to, then he's an idiot. As Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."

But I doubt that's it. He's probably presenting that as an impossible standard (I know you're a short red head, but I like tall black women) to avoid dealing with the real issues.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How was it prior to marriage? And then the predictable questions of masturbation frequency and porn use and medical or performance issues and homosexual tendencies and that kind of thing.

If he is gay or into porn to where no real woman will do, he might be telling the truth. But he is covering up the reason. I agree it is unlikely that he wasn't attracted to you at some point. But it is possible. A very lovely man married his overweight wife, loves her dearly, but is having more and more trouble getting past the weight issue. He posted not long ago feeling awful. But it doesn't sound like your h. He sounds like he is saying blaming you almost.

Me, I would divorce him. If he isn't attractrd to you and won't have sex, he isn't being loving or a good husband. If you don't want to leave yet, see about an half-open marriage where you get to play and he doesnt. He denied you for years. He has proven he can live without.

Or, is he having an affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Never? That makes no sense. That just sounds mean.


Agreed. My guess is it has nothing to do with the OP. It's all him. Asexual? Too much porn? Prefers going it solo? Gay? Something is up but either way I wouldn't put up with it. I'd leave him if it were me. That's just cruel.


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
This was my first time posting so it wasn't me before and doubt it was my husband. Thank you so much for your feedback. 
We did see a counselor and she agreed that if it wasn't there and isn't there that it likely will not be. I think maybe he has a lot of issues from his childhood being 1 of 7 and his father dying when he was 8 years old and maybe he's not good at figuring out what love it..I don't know. But I'm going to the same counselor myself in a bit so hopefully I'll get clarity about myself. You are all kind and I appreicate the feedback. I'm going to ask her if she thinks he's covering other real issues as well.
Just wanted to pop in and say thank you. I've been losing my mind a little over this..ok, a lot. 
Thank you!
SurprisedWife


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

You know. . .I would like to throw out a related question (I think it's related anyway). . .

The question is. . .

How much work are you obligated to, under the marriage contract (legally and religiously), do to figure this out?

It's an honest question (not leading for any answer) and one I struggled with in my ex-marriage.


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## Sunrise (Jun 15, 2011)

Is there an icon for a hug? I would sure pass one to you. Better think twice about that counselor!! It seems that it is very hard to find help or material to read that deals with the husband not wanting sex, not the other way around. It just hasn't been openly discussed enough yet. Don't be afraid, I know how crazy this can make you feel. Listen to me, it is not all you, regardless of shape or size. Don't buy in to that lie! It is not even about attraction, that does help, but even that can be cultivated in the right environment. Marriage, years and years of your life, your total investment, all that is about commitment. 
I wish I could say more quick enough, but I can feel my blood boil and I don't want to ruin the point. You deserve to be treasured, even in a sexual way, you don't have to settle for less. The question becomes not whether he is attracted to you in that way, but what is he willing to do about his problem. If he can own up to it by telling you like that, then he better back up his words with action. Move past the being surprised, hurt, rejected, despair. At least in front of him anyway. When you can say to him without flinching... "Just exactly what do you plan to do about your lack of attraction?" It is his responsibility to have look for ways to be committed to you which doesn't mean you having a marriage with no intimate sex. Attraction or not, He must decide to be committed to you or not, no halfway or shifting the blame, making you a needy victim. I'm sure you are very beautiful, God don't make no junk. It may not be his fault(childhood etc.) but it his problem.


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
Thank you thank you Thank you. As a side note, I love Ron White and I totally agree, you can't fix stupid. Although, I'm feeling a bit stupid for staying in a marriage with physical love only about twice a year but I don't have to keep making the same mistake. 
I went to see the same counselor yesterday and she said he was just begging me to say no to the marriage, etc. The net of it is that after a lot of pain, wasted time of my life without real love...it doesn't make sense to stay together. I can feel good about all that I've done in this marriage. I think he's got other issues that have nothing to do with me and more to do with him. 
To Scannerguard - don't trouble yourself with what's done. You could have wasted more years when you knew something was wrong trying to fix it like I did. Now I'm 44 and going to be single and didn't have kids. Might have if I found the right person...but obviously, I did not. I broke my back because I was in love. It's too damn true, Love is blind. But you don't have to stay that way.
I'm terrified financially but just have to calm down and know that everything will be ok. I'm blessed with a wonderful family that has been very supportive. My dad gave me some little points in case it helps you ..... one thing in life that's guaranteed is change and it's the grace we handle it with that defines us...and sometimes you have to jump over the fence to see the beauty on the other side. 
I guess my next step will be to review the dating in your 40's thread and see if I can pick up any tips! I know it must seem very labile to be so desperate one day and so empowered theh next. I asked my counselor yesterday when do you feel better? 
She said the first step for you is to make a decision about what you want to do. Then you can move in a direction and it always feels better. so I don't feel that I rushed it because I've been in and out of emotional stress related tot he lack of sex for so many years and then the past 2 weeks have been hell. Dantes really should have put a ring in Hell for divorce. But I've made the decision and if any of you are out there...it does feel better.
Now it's the next part...sure, the crying jags come and go but they're less. Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your thoughts and support so much. Thank you for taking the time to write. I am very grateful I found all of you in such a desparate time for me.
Most sincerely,
SurprisedWife


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

SurprisedWife said:


> I would not go on a 2nd date with someone I thought I could not be attracted to so I'm having a really difficult time understanding why he married me.


He is likely rewriting history at this point to justify something or to be mean to you or both.


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## SurprisedWife (Jun 15, 2011)

Yeah, I don't know what his deal is but I can't wait until all those panic like moments are gone. It still feels very strange and insecure but I know that will pass. Thank you!


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

SurprisedWife,

I'm glad you made a decision and are moving forward. It sounds like you have a good attitude. And btw, even with some extra weight, hourglass shape and big boobs? Trust me, many men will be very attracted to you! *hugs* good luck.

~Roooth


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