# Orgasm Equity or Encounter Equity



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My H and I have a disagreement and I told him I was going to ask for opinions because I think he's wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!

Partner A is capable of and generally has several orgasms per sexual encounter. This partner doesn't generally feel fully satisfied until I, I mean she, I mean partner A, has had several orgasms per sexual encounter and this partner tends to orgasm very easily.

The other partner, Partner B, is capable of one orgasm per sexual encounter.

Partner B feels that there is an inequality in orgasms and as such feels that unreciprocated encounters in which ONLY B has an orgasm are fair and should be practiced. Partner B wants an orgasm equity rule in place.

Partner A thinks partner B is being a d.. I mean unreasonable. Since the quality of each encounter for each participant is what creates loving feelings orgasms should not be kept as a running tally and instead encounter equity should be employed.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I vote with you... I mean partner A. 

Of course I'm a bit biased, and have never had more than one in an encounter, because my husband is a poopoo head, just like your husband is being... I mean partner B.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Well, certain posters (let's call them party C) 'round here point frequently and vociferously to the Orgasm Gap as prima facie evidence of men's unwillingness to be lovers invested in their partner's enjoyment.

Sauce, goose, gander, and all that.

I prefer a minimum 1 orgasm per participant per encounter rule, after which the counting ceases.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I like that rule!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suppose keeping a scorecard for orgasms is a silly point to begin with

I'm happy (and very much want) to give my wife multiples
conversely she's happy on occasion to give me BJ's without expecting anything in return (particularly during her period)


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO is all in favor of me having as many orgasms as I want during an encounter even if he only has one. Sometimes he gets one without my having any, though I'm the determining factor there, so it probably evens out? I don't keep track of the exact numbers. 

In any case, he does not begrudge my ability to orgasm more than once during an encounter. He does not feel deprived, lol.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for Mr. Pink











and speaking of Mr. Pink, is this you?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ARe there really men who do not like watching women have orgasms?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I like to make my partner orgasm as many times as she feels she can during an encounter. Sometimes once is enough, sometimes she tells me she is not going to get there and other times the sky is the limit. I particularly enjoy trying to make her cum one more time after she says she's done but respect when she tells me she's just too sensitive. 

Me...I generally can only cum once during an encounter. If I could cum more often I would. 

I see absolutely no reason to keep count.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sorry if I've led some of you astray. Partner B is quite happy to indulge Partner A and is not considering slacking off in the orgasm delivery department. Partner B simply feels that an unreciprocated encounter on a regular basis is warranted due to the orgasm allotment inequity.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm going with the encounter model. When we're both as satisfied as we're going to be, that's when we're done, IMO. She usually has more orgasms than I do.

(Hmm. Maybe I should promote the orgasm equity model, as I might persuade her to provide a dozen or so extra blow jobs each week!)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Sorry if I've led some of you astray. Partner B is quite happy to indulge Partner A and is not considering slacking off in the orgasm delivery department. Partner B simply feels that an unreciprocated encounter on a regular basis is warranted due to the orgasm allotment inequity.


the logic he uses to argue for unreciprocated orgasms is faulty but asking for more unreciprocated orgasms (aka BJ's) is not out of line or bounds imo. 

just somewhat of a passive aggressive way of trying to get what you want, I bet if he asked in a more constructive way you'd be more willing to accomodate


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Depending on how often a regular basis we're talking, I don't think that's really asking for a lot. 

However, I love causing orgasms so I wouldn't push for such a rule.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Hicks said:


> ARe there really men who do not like watching women have orgasms?


Yes.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My H and I have a disagreement and I told him I was going to ask for opinions because I think he's wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!
> 
> Partner A is capable of and generally has several orgasms per sexual encounter. This partner doesn't generally feel fully satisfied until I, I mean she, I mean partner A, has had several orgasms per sexual encounter and this partner tends to orgasm very easily.
> 
> ...


Granting unreciprocated encounters to a partner should be by the granter's choice. AP, I think you dig gently into the issues behind DH's request for 'equity'.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes.


Wanted to hit the like button but really, it needed a HATE button!

Show your H this thread! Lazy lazy man!


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Partner A and Partner B are using different measuring factors for what I believe we can title "Sexual Satisfaction!"

Partner A is using Overall Satisfaction as the qualifying measurement while Partner B is using Orgasms per Session.

To even this out, each partner has to use the same reference. This may or may not be possible, further inquiries must be done.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well I can see both side of the argument.

If partner A wants more orgasms per session and it take a lot more effort for partner B ie.... foot rubs tons of foreplay breaking out the toys then the rubber suit. along with more oral and toys which turns into a marathon.

and if partner b dose this without complaint then partner A should want to reciprocate with meeting his need for more quick sessions a blow job or just a quicky to meet his needs also. 


maybe a partner A week followed by a partner B week.

obviously if partner A can have or demand multiples and partner B can't there is an unbalance and partner B wants just as many orgasms they just want the spread out over a longer time frame.

OR partner B could go get some Viagra and he too could have multiples.

what if partner B said I think I could go again if you paid some extra attention with some oral he might pop right back up .


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Let's assume partner A is female and partner B is male. One thing partner B must realize is that the cooperative activity of both sides to the autonomic nervous system are required in his very intense and manner of action. These large swings (excusing any pun unintended) makes refractory periods also intense and elongated (more puns, excuse me please). Whereas partner A teeters ever so slightly between these two opposing autonomic forces, but can have building and wide swings as the experience builds. 

When partner B understands partner A and how to push on the teeter totter more intensely through the experience, neither will ever feel cheated again and both will sleep soundly at night.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Partner A and Partner B are using different measuring factors for what I believe we can title "Sexual Satisfaction!"
> 
> Partner A is using Overall Satisfaction as the qualifying measurement while Partner B is using Orgasms per Session.
> 
> To even this out, each partner has to use the same reference. This may or may not be possible, further inquiries must be done.


A simple problem to solve when one partner uses the yard as a metric and the other the meter. Very difficult to solve when one uses the meter and the other the Ångstrom.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

There is certainly an orgasm disparity between my wife and I...about 5 to 1 in her favor. Almost every time, she is in O territory before me. I have no issues with the numbers there...the more the merrier 

The only disparity I ever really feel, and one that would help me feel less selfish with an unreciporicated encounter, is that I do put in more physical effort during most encounters. There are many encounters where she gets her fill of orgasms without having to get off her back. Don't get me wrong, she's very enthusiastic, but there is an effort disparity. It's not nearly as often that she does all the work.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Let's not make this complicated, or we'll have to weight the numbers by factoring in orgasm duration and intensity! Given that male and female orgasms are qualitatively different, I suspect that would be a fruitless pursuit, even if comparing apples and oranges.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Everybody has different needs, even different sexual needs. If you need a scorecard I think you are doing it wrong.

As to counting orgasms, with the few women I've been with, there has been completely different ways each come. My ex W came like a man - only one and it was earth shaking. My current GF comes like the rising tide, with several small waves all breaking in short succession. I can't even tell when the waves break, but I see her in pure pleasure so just keep going as long as I can.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

drerio said:


> Let's assume partner A is female and partner B is male. One thing partner B must realize is that the cooperative activity of both sides to the autonomic nervous system are required in his very intense and manner of action. These large swings (excusing any pun unintended) makes refractory periods also intense and elongated (more puns, excuse me please). Whereas partner A teeters ever so slightly between these two opposing autonomic forces, but can have building and wide swings as the experience builds.
> 
> When partner B understands partner A and how to push on the teeter totter more intensely through the experience, neither will ever feel cheated again and both will sleep soundly at night.


Ugh, you and your Hawaiian! In English please?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Don't get me wrong, she's very enthusiastic, but there is an effort disparity. It's not nearly as often that she does all the work.


Hmmmm an "effort disparity" eh? Maybe this is it?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In my mind unreciprocated orgasms should be offered not asked for.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> In my mind unreciprocated orgasms should be offered not asked for.


I'm too old for that, I've learned that often if you don't ask you don't get

(that said I do get offers, but I've also asked for it and gotten it most of the time)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think the entire question is wrong. Each partner should try to give the other as many orgasms as they want.

As far as sexual favors (say un-reciprocated oral), then each should do this frequently, no need to keep score. 

Giving and receiving are both fun. 

If people REALLY want to keep track, I think spending similar amounts of time / effort pleasing each other is about right, regardless of how many encounters or orgasms.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmmmm an "effort disparity" eh? Maybe this is it?


This is the only type of disparity I ever feel, and the occasional unreciporicated encounter goes a long way to balancing that out...even though what starts out with the intent of being unreciporicated usually turns mutual anyway.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Counting orgasms kind of misses the point. The focus should be on overall happiness on the sex life, per this:



Married but Happy said:


> When we're both as satisfied as we're going to be, that's when we're done, IMO.


If Partner B is feeling unsatisfied with quantity/quality of the sex life - as in, he doesn't feel like he's getting enough - he should broach it from that angle. But aiming for orgasm equity is silly. Encounter equity is too.

Aim for satisfaction equity, where both partners are happy with the amount of getting off they have, and are happy to help the other reach theirs. Even if it is out of balance by sheer numbers, as long as both parties feel taken care of, you're good to go.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm too old for that, I've learned that often if you don't ask you don't get
> 
> (that said I do get offers, but I've also asked for it and gotten it most of the time)


It's probably my personality but I would never ask. I'm more likely to initiate full on sex only to have her say she's not into it but is happy to take care of me. In that case 'giddyup'.

If I'm in the mood, say I'm getting ready to head out the door and don't want to get messy, it's fun to bring her to orgasm then slink out leaving her in a stupor on the bed.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

he needs to learn how to have multiple orgasms. 

BOOM! problem solved.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't mind doing things just for him like unreciprocated oral. But if my spouse asked me to give him more unreciprocated BJs because I cum more during sex, then I'd feel like he was keeping score during every encounter.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Alright! Who voted for Orgasm Equity?

Thumbper, you don't get to vote on this!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Let's not make this complicated, or we'll have to weight the numbers by factoring in orgasm duration and intensity! Given that male and female orgasms are qualitatively different, I suspect that would be a fruitless pursuit, even if comparing apples and oranges.


This!

My wife will have multiple orgasm per roll in the hay. As of late she has turned to one very long orgasm. She explains it as wave after wave that does not stop. When she experiences these she feels very satisfied and does not require multiple orgasms. As a result of this deeper intimacy we are experiencing that culminate in a very long non-stop orgasm for her she said(two weeks ago), "my sexual frustration is completely gone." Needless to say I was happy as a lark meeting her need like that.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I like to make my partner orgasm as many times as she feels she can during an encounter. Sometimes once is enough, sometimes she tells me she is not going to get there and other times the sky is the limit. I particularly enjoy trying to make her cum one more time after she says she's done but respect when she tells me she's just too sensitive.
> 
> Me...I generally can only cum once during an encounter. If I could cum more often I would.
> 
> I see absolutely no reason to keep count.


Me too. But really when my wife and I are finished its the happiness on her face that says it all. No count needed. If husband is not looking for that he's the one who needs adjusted


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I don't mind doing things just for him like unreciprocated oral. But if my spouse asked me to give him more unreciprocated BJs because I cum more during sex, then I'd feel like he was keeping score during every encounter.


Back when my wife and I had sex, I "kind of " kept score. BJs dwindled shortly after we were married, then stopped completely, before sex stopped completely. So, I can't really address what many have guessed might be the specifics behind the OPs poll. 

But, since it was always possible I'd finish before she did -- and at that point, she always made clear there really were no other options -- I certainly kept score. I always tried to cover the topic gently, she was typically gracious, accepting partial blame and noting that it was good anyway. But if it happened twice in a row, I know I felt a bit of pressure -- even if there were never any signs that she was disappointed or resentful. Since it was rare that I'd be the disappointed party, I figured I should take it seriously. (Though for several months, I was the disappointed party. Never quite figured out why.)

Anon -- I'll go off the board and ask a different question. You don't seem one to be shy or hesitant in the least in offering unreciprocated orgasms. Is this a whimsical topic or is it something serious? If it's serious, may I suggest a response for a short period of time is -- "you make me orgasm so often, I'm happy spend an inordinate amount of time on my knees. But if I need what I need at the same time you need what you need, too bad. If it ends up 3-1, I'll help close the gap the next morning."

I know you've got challenges in your marriage -- but sex really doesn't seem to be one of them. If you take this topic too seriously, don't you risk making sex another challenge?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Rooster2014 said:


> Me too. But really when my wife and I are finished its the happiness on her face that says it all. No count needed. If husband is not looking for that he's the one who needs adjusted


"Say, hon, you've got a little happiness on your face there. Right there on your left cheek. Might want to wipe that off."


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Orgasm Equity or Encounter Equity*



MaritimeGuy said:


> In my mind unreciprocated orgasms should be offered not asked for.


Like yielding the right of way?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Orgasm Equity or Encounter Equity*



MaritimeGuy said:


> If I'm in the mood, say I'm getting ready to head out the door and don't want to get messy, it's fun to bring her to orgasm then slink out leaving her in a stupor on the bed.


If I were a morning person this would be me too, however would still be very messy


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Lon said:


> Like yielding the right of way?


No, one is legally MANDATED to yield the right of way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MaritimeGuy said:


> If I'm in the mood, say I'm getting ready to head out the door and don't want to get messy, it's fun to bring her to orgasm then slink out leaving her in a stupor on the bed.


Nice! :smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Orgasm Equity or Encounter Equity*



Cletus said:


> No, one is legally MANDATED to yield the right of way.


Try telling that to your insurance adjuster when the person on your right decides to ignore the 4 way stop and lies about it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I
> 
> If I'm in the mood, say I'm getting ready to head out the door and don't want to get messy, it's fun to bring her to orgasm then slink out leaving her in a stupor on the bed.


I'm with you man!!!! When I was sales and running local, I would report to work in my suit, check in and hit the road right back to our home. Roll into the house. Ravage my W. Put my tie back on and go make some sales calls. She loved it. So did I.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm on the same page as Cletus.

I'm not interested in a one sided encounter. I've had maybe 5 in our entire relationship. It holds little interest for me. I simply enjoy my wife's pleasure too much to desire a one sided encounter.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I haven't read any responses. But I'll tell you what I think. I think that sometimes it's nice to get an orgasm without having to do anything else. My wife sometimes does this (like a few times a year, not every week or anything) and it's really nice. I've tried doing the same for her but she won't really have it.

My other thought is, what's with the counting? Giving my wife an orgasm is kind of its own reward, you know?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Okay, time to clear up a few things.

A No strings attached BJ is rarely offered by me. In fact, a BJ to completion is also rarely offered by me. There is a perfectly good reason for this.

Giving him a BJ gets me sexually aroused. It is erotic and exciting to do this for him. Once I am aroused, I want that erection! I have a particular affectionate use for that erection and I don't want it to culminate anywhere but a particular place where...my own orgasm can join his. BUT.... There are a couple of levels between being aroused enough to want that lovely erection and being aroused enough to orgasm from that erection alone. So an encounter for him almost always turns into an encounter for me too.

Thus, the inequity.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Ugh, you and your Hawaiian! In English please?


I can draw stick people so you need to use your imagination and draw the picture in your head. Let me just start by saying our engine the brain is truly messed up. Since evolution did not do the de novo approach of building the neural network structures we are left with a three engines, lawn mower, VW and a high end formula 1 racing engine. Three often cooperative but two of which can compete for our attention. 

One of those the engines the VW dictates the autonomic processes of our lives. So lets re-draw that engine as a teeter tooter. On one end of the teeter tooter, the sympathetic system, that puts us on high alert, the alarms system that helps us make sure that we have proper responses to emergency situations without having to cognitively think about it. The other end, the parasympathetic, the rest and recovery side of life, the one that we spend longer periods of our life in and hence we normally use the term parasympathetic tone as the typical human experience. 

However, we normally don't situate ourselves at the very end of the parasympathetic side of the teeter tooter (even though we reside in a state of parasympathetic tone). During emergency situations we do or can put ourselves at the very end of the sympathetic side of the teeter tooter. These two sides are not quite the same. on the parasympathetic side the ground is hard and bouncing from that position to slide to the other side takes no time at all. However on the sympathetic side of the teeter tooter, the ground is packed with mud and muck and we don't bounce so easily off of that position back toward the parasympathetic tone. 

So, in sex we use both systems in a somewhat cooperative manner. And, in your scenario of partner B, to get an initial sexual response (erectile tissue responding appropriately) does require that the individual move all the way to the end of the parasympathetic end of the slide. Partner B is also likely to move from that intense position on the parasympathetic slide to the far end of sympathetic slide in an abrupt and very intense manner (climax - ejaculation). Partner B gets stuck in the mud and muck and the older he/she gets the deeper the mud (we call this refractory period). Partner A on the other hand, during his/her sexual encounter starts a bit more from a middle position however further than from the tonal situation of everyday life. So, partner A is likely to slide from parasympathetic to sympathetic side more subtly. But, as each new event happens, sliding between the two teeter-tooter positions (multiple orgasms taking place) the position of partner A will start to moves more extreme (often, but not always) with each of these events. It is possible but not always the case that the two partners can end up at the sympathetic end of the slide at the same time, it is just that partner A got to cycle between positions multiple times whereas with partner B, this was a one time event. So, it is the art of two individuals finding what helps to work so that it is not the numbers game but the intensity game to end up at the sympathetic end at the same time. 

This of course is likely why ONS rarely are very satisfying and long term relationships can have its advantages. 

Does this make sense?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well he obviously wants one on occasion so why can't you oblige?

(or maybe you can play with toys or finger yourself while you blow him, that is also hot and may help with the irresistible urge you have)


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> There is certainly an orgasm disparity between my wife and I...about 5 to 1 in her favor. Almost every time, she is in O territory before me. I have no issues with the numbers there...the more the merrier
> 
> The only disparity I ever really feel, and one that would help me feel less selfish with an unreciporicated encounter, is that I do put in more physical effort during most encounters. There are many encounters where she gets her fill of orgasms without having to get off her back. Don't get me wrong, she's very enthusiastic, but there is an effort disparity. It's not nearly as often that she does all the work.


Interesting point. I'd never thought about this before but it's something I have taken into account. When he needs a break, I take over by getting on top. Or, if we're doing doggie, he stays still and I do the moving. Plus, I rarely have an encounter when I'm not performing oral on him at some point. So...I think I'm covering my end of the effort teeter totter. Good job me!

But here's one argument for why partner B is full of it - this is physiological. If he COULD orgasm multiple times in one session, I'm sure she'd be glad to accommodate. But biologically doesn't work out. Just like, I'm sure if he COULD take his turn giving birth to one of their kids, I'm sure he would. But...can't. So, suck it partner B. ( And keep on sucking it...)

Aside from all of it...I think the occasional unreciprocated B.J. is a fine gift. It would take the fun out of doing it if I felt like I owed it to him to earn my own orgasms, but willing to do it just because.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> well he obviously wants one on occasion so why can't you oblige?
> 
> (or maybe you can play with toys or finger yourself while you blow him, that is also hot and may help with the irresistible urge you have)


That's like having a salad while you prepare a steak for everyone else!

Yes I can oblige. I just have a difficult time serving up that steak and only getting a salad for myself.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

With that last post I suddenly see it from your husband's point of view.

You really should give him that. Not that it has to be a one sided encounter - like I posted before, we don't do those. But I do get a BJ to completion on a weekly basis. Like you, my wife enjoys PIV orgasms. Most encounters involve both. I can usually tell if I'm going to be able to get it hard enough after a BJ to make her happy. If so, we'll do the BJ before. If not, I'll clean up and she'll finish with a BJ.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Ah, Drerio, another one of your spooky stories.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well he obviously wants one on occasion so why can't you oblige?
> 
> (or maybe you can play with toys or finger yourself while you blow him, that is also hot and may help with the irresistible urge you have)


Exactly. I mean, if she gets 5 to 1 on a regular basis she can't make it all about him even once in a while?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

drerio said:


> I can draw stick people so you need to use your imagination and draw the picture in your head. Let me just start by saying our engine the brain is truly messed up. Since evolution did not do the de novo approach of building the neural network structures we are left with a three engines, lawn mower, VW and a high end formula 1 racing engine. Three often cooperative but two of which can compete for our attention.
> 
> One of those the engines the VW dictates the autonomic processes of our lives. So lets re-draw that engine as a teeter tooter. On one end of the teeter tooter, the sympathetic system, that puts us on high alert, the alarms system that helps us make sure that we have proper responses to emergency situations without having to cognitively think about it. The other end, the parasympathetic, the rest and recovery side of life, the one that we spend longer periods of our life in and hence we normally use the term parasympathetic tone as the typical human experience.
> 
> ...


Marginally better, yes! Thanks doc!

Trouble is the hormones don't always align for the explosive orgasms. I think we're going to have to practice a lot of edging to see if we can bring it back.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, time to clear up a few things.
> 
> A No strings attached BJ is rarely offered by me. In fact, a BJ to completion is also rarely offered by me. There is a perfectly good reason for this.
> 
> ...


Over time, this has become sort of an "issue" for my wife and I. During our conversations before we were together, one of the things she said about giving oral was that she didn't overly enjoy it, but would certainly reciprocate if she got oral because she knew men liked it. When we first started dating and for probably the first year we were together, she gave me bj's to completion a couple of times a week...and then she started to enjoy giving them to me, and then she started getting really aroused by having my penis in her mouth, and then we discovered that she could in fact have vaginal orgasms...and ever since then, bj's to completion have been less frequent because she has other things she wants done with my erection, especially since once she has started the O train from my mouth or hand, she needs me inside her, so even mutual reciprocation isn't as satisfying for her...damn those vaginal orgasms...


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

I pick none of the above. You are both wrong for trying to turn sex into a game where you keep score.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Exactly. I mean, if she gets 5 to 1 on a regular basis she can't make it all about him even once in a while?


That's what he said!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Over time, this has become sort of an "issue" for my wife and I. During our conversations before we were together, one of the things she said about giving oral was that she didn't overly enjoy it, but would certainly reciprocate if she got oral because she knew men liked it. When we first started dating and for probably the first year we were together, she gave me bj's to completion a couple of times a week...and then she started to enjoy giving them to me, and then she started getting really aroused by having my penis in her mouth, and then we discovered that she could in fact have vaginal orgasms...and ever since then, bj's to completion have been less frequent because she has other things she wants done with my erection, especially since once she has started the O train from my mouth or hand, she needs me inside her, so even mutual reciprocation isn't as satisfying for her...damn those vaginal orgasms...


Exactly!

Except the "damn those vaginal orgasms" part!!!!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That's like having a salad while you prepare a steak for everyone else!
> 
> Yes I can oblige. I just have a difficult time serving up that steak and only getting a salad for myself.


It's also a lot like giving my wife a foot rub with no expectation of sex. Or a massage. Or climbing in the bubble bath. 

All of those things (ok, not the foot rub) can leave me in various states of arousal that I have to just suck up sometimes.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I particularly enjoy the the art and playfulness of trying to see how many times I can move my wife back and forth (excuse the pun) to my intensity level. I do it all in the name of scientific research


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Exactly!
> 
> Except the "damn those vaginal orgasms" part!!!!


I'm not sure what the reverse equivalent would be, but what if him giving you oral got him so worked up that he absolutely had to have you finish him orally...almost an over powering craving, as that is how my wife describes her need for me to be inside her...would it be alright for him to cut back to almost no oral to completion on you since he couldn't finish the way he wanted?

The thing with my wife is that I can get her off orally and manually at will...100% success, and vaginally, we have pinned down a couple of positions that are now virtually 100% as well, so she's going to get off in every encounter, and has multiple ways of doing it, and there are plenty of times where she gets it all three ways. With me, since I only get to once, so there is a choice to be made in how that's done...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That's like having a salad while you prepare a steak for everyone else!
> 
> Yes I can oblige. I just have a difficult time serving up that steak and only getting a salad for myself.


Actually it's like you get a 12 oz steak every time, and he gets a 3 oz steak. And he's asking for a solo 6 oz occasionally, which you can easily make up for on the next round together.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That's what he said!


Well, if that's what he said then it's not exactly orgasm equity he's asking for. It would still be tremendously lopsided in your favor.

Let's say you get 4 every encounter and you have sex 2 times a week. That's about 400 orgasms per year. If he gets 1 every time then it's 400 to 100. If you give him a bj once a month it'll be 400 to 112. This is really a problem?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

While I think keeping score is kind of douchey, I think you should throw the guy a bone every now and then.

If he's making a good faith effort to give you what you want at least the majority of the time, why not give the guy a treat on occasion?

OTOH, if he's being a selfish bastid, feel free to continue as-is.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> It's also a lot like giving my wife a foot rub with no expectation of sex. Or a massage. Or climbing in the bubble bath.
> 
> All of those things (ok, not the foot rub) can leave me in various states of arousal that I have to just suck up sometimes.


Hmmmm, now this makes me realize something.

I wonder if he feels that being the provider, the spider killer, the car maintenance guy, trash taker outer etc, all these house hold tasks are showing love toward me and subsequently feels that he is not appreciated enough.

Those things you mentioned Cletus, are not things my husband does. Although the past three weeks he has been extremely giving in terms of nonsexual attention and affection, and this is extremely welcome and appreciated.

When I first came to TAM, I had given up. I felt like I had spent my life taking care of everyone and had never felt like he had put any effort into taking care of me, just me, not the house, not the family, not the cars or kids, just ME! Although I tried to communicate this, it fell on deaf ears. So I stopped. Stopped taking extra measures for anyone. Stopped being super attentive to anyone. Started being super attentive to what I wanted and what I needed. I also had some family issues, some health issues and I just didn't have anything left to go into the vacuum of showing my husband care and concern. As such, I let a lot of things go undone, unnoticed, uncared for and only focused on the most pressing issues around me or myself.

My husband resents this. He feels that he hasn't been appreciated properly as the provider. He feels that since he doesn't have the ability to just "let it go" as I did, I don't have the right to not do the 100's of weekly tasks to care for him, family and home.

As JungAdmirer pointed out, this issue is much deeper than getting a BJ.

But we remain at a stalemate because I'm not taking 3 weeks of effort as the sign that the balance of care and concern has been equaled. It's been almost 30 YEARS of marriage. By his logic, I can skip the BJ and instead iron his shirts for the week!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I know it is just my opinion but I have never looked at sex as a competitor for equity or justice. I compete plenty at work and sports. I work hard to be a good father. Sex, I just look at in a very different manner. 

Sex to me starts well ahead of the encounter that evening. It ends beyond the point of either of us achieving our climax. There are times I feel like I can't get close enough in touching my wife. 

If I have her begging me for more, I don't see it as a challenge or competition but a game rigged that we both get to win. It is a zen moment, that moment without any other thoughts of the world. It is also a practice to which one can mean both get to share the first place podium and that is victory. Only problem, acoustic curtains are expensive


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well, if that's what he said then it's not exactly orgasm equity he's asking for. It would still be tremendously lopsided in your favor.
> 
> Let's say you get 4 every encounter and you have sex 2 times a week. That's about 400 orgasms per year. If he gets 1 every time then it's 400 to 100. If you give him a bj once a month it'll be 400 to 112. This is really a problem?


So does this mean you're changing your vote? Because now you sound like counting orgasms and not the satisfaction of encounters is the way to go?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm not arguing to give BJ's because of disparity but rather because in a round about way he's telling you what he would like sexually and it's up to you whether to oblige him or not


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually it's like you get a 12 oz steak every time, and he gets a 3 oz steak. And he's asking for a solo 6 oz occasionally, which you can easily make up for on the next round together.


Not really. Nothing can replace the intensity of a PIV orgasm. Nothing comes close to it in intensity, duration, or total and complete satisfaction. Jilling one out is a salad. Prevents the hunger pains from being distracting but is nothing compared to a steak!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> So does this mean you're changing your vote? Because now you sound like counting orgasms and not the satisfaction of encounters is the way to go?


I think he's counting orgasms because he is feeling...something...isn't quite right between you. It could be sexual, it could be expectations, it could be appreciation, it could be a lot of relationship things. But if he's bringing it up like this, and you are pushing back hard, he is building resentment. Sexual issues are often a symptom of a relationship problem.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You realize you're basically admitting you don't want to give BJs to completion for purely selfish reasons?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmmmm, now this makes me realize something.
> 
> I wonder if he feels that being the provider, the spider killer, the car maintenance guy, trash taker outer etc, all these house hold tasks are showing love toward me and subsequently feels that he is not appreciated enough.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure it goes this deep, or has turned that transactional with him.

At face value, I think it may just be what I described...he may feel that there is a disparity between what he does sexually for you and what you do for him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> But we remain at a stalemate because I'm not taking 3 weeks of effort as the sign that the balance of care and concern has been equaled. It's been almost 30 YEARS of marriage. By his logic, I can skip the BJ and instead iron his shirts for the week!


So now YOU are score-keeping. This won't work either. He won't be able to make up for 30 years, ever. You have to accept equity now and going forward, rather than expecting he over-do while you under-do to make up for your 30 years of over-doing and subsequent resentment.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Maybe 1 in 50 of my orgasms are something other than PIV. And probably 70% of the PIV ones are me doing most of the work. I would rate my wife and I's sex life as extraordinarily satisfying, but if I were to be completely honest...I would like more of my orgasms to be orally or manually. Also being completely honest, I do think she gets the better end of the deal.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmmmm, now this makes me realize something.
> 
> I wonder if he feels that being the provider, the spider killer, the car maintenance guy, trash taker outer etc, all these house hold tasks are showing love toward me and subsequently feels that he is not appreciated enough.


Could be. I wear all of those hats at home too, but rather than not feeling appreciated for them, I always viewed them as justification for why I am not the laundry guy or bathroom cleaner guy or duster guy. There was a time way back when the correlation between how hard I worked around the house and how often I got laid was positive and very strong. It was nice to get appreciation beyond mere words of gratitude.



> Those things you mentioned Cletus, are not things my husband does. Although the past three weeks he has been extremely giving in terms of nonsexual attention and affection, and this is extremely welcome and appreciated.


Any idea why he has never done those things? Are they "meh" to you, is he unaware, thick headed, or just disinterested?



> My husband resents this. He feels that he hasn't been appreciated properly as the provider. He feels that since he doesn't have the ability to just "let it go" as I did, I don't have the right to not do the 100's of weekly tasks to care for him, family and home.


My wife quit her job last week, out of the blue with no fallback. She could do that because I provide a perfectly adequate living for us without her income, but we would be unable to make ends meet on her then puny salary.

As the primary provider for my family for 30 years, 15 while she was a SAHM, I can admit to some jealousy for that kind of freedom. Every decision I ever made about work had to be tempered with the consideration of the three other mouths depending on that choice. I passed up a position as VP of Software Development with a startup company that wasn't as secure as continuing to work for the man. 

So ask him about this. He may have made some sacrifices you can barely glimpse by deciding to be the Rock on which your marriage could either build or founder.



> But we remain at a stalemate because I'm not taking 3 weeks of effort as the sign that the balance of care and concern has been equaled. It's been almost 30 YEARS of marriage. By his logic, I can skip the BJ and instead iron his shirts for the week!


A little extra starch should keep things plenty stiff.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Score-keeping is fundamentally flawed - keeping accurate count is impossible when multiple orgasms are involved, for instance. It also turns sex into a transaction as opposed to an expression of love, caring and bonding.

On the other hand, the counting model would be a huge disincentive to fake orgasms!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

So I am different... I have never been able to ejaculate as a result of a BJ. Call me weird, but through the ages, be it my wife or female encounters before her, they could go on and on and on, and sure it feels great but never the intensity to bring me to that moment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Orgasm Equity or Encounter Equity*



Anon Pink said:


> Not really. Nothing can replace the intensity of a PIV orgasm. Nothing comes close to it in intensity, duration, or total and complete satisfaction. Jilling one out is a salad. Prevents the hunger pains from being distracting but is nothing compared to a steak!


The question is flawed.

Partner B occasionally wants Partner A to give him an a la carte panini.

In the making of the panini partner A decides she wants the beef steak ... and at that point, partner B is sh!t out of luck on getting his panini.

Partner is hungry, horny, and shifts the priority from partner b ' s needs, to partner A ' s needs.

And that's not where the lunch line originally started.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Let me add another angle to this too.

All orgasms by any other name are not necessarily as sweet.

I'm now over 50. ~3 years ago I got to enjoy a mild but very noticeable case of Peyronie's disease. So while I don't yet suffer from any form of erectile dysfunction, things are different. It's not as long. There's a bit of a bend where once I could easily hang a bath towel on the thing and strut around like a damned fool. The skin doesn't pull as tight as it used to.

And vaginal intercourse isn't as satisfying as it used to be. Things bump and scratch and wear in places they never did before. She's had two children trash the place on the way out and a hysterectomy to boot. Couple that with intercourse as the only sexual activity that she likes, I very often now have to literally sacrifice my enjoyment for hers.

It's still good from a relationship perspective, but to get a really good orgasm these days requires something else. It requires me to be a little selfish and make my enjoyment a priority. In our house, that means no orgasm for her (by her own choice). 

Maybe a blow job has appeal because he just wants, once in a while, to get things _just the way he likes them_, without having to be constantly derailed by the need to satisfy someone else.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

AP, if you are not getting pleased at all with sex or intimacy than i am all for the other partner shutting off giving pleasure till that gets fixed. For example and not to call the issue out, but someone like Curious Wife should not be giving bj's to her husband till things get better for her. If one side is lazy and selfish than blue balls they deserve.

But if you are sexually satisfied but the reason to never give your H a bj cause you have past resentment and look at it from a scoreboard perspective, than neither wins and the marriage loses in the end.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

And the crowd starts chanting..


"BJ BJ BJ BJ BJ BJ BJ BJ!!!"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

As far as orgasm equity goes, we've all concentrated on the quantity aspect, and haven't said much of anything about the quality aspect. For myself, there is a big difference between orgasms through oral, manual, and even different PIV positions. I would have to say my most intense ones are through oral.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> As far as orgasm equity goes, we've all concentrated on the quantity aspect, and haven't said much of anything about the quality aspect. For myself, there is a big difference between orgasms through oral, manual, and even different PIV positions. I would have to say my most intense ones are through oral.


:iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

"bj bj bj bj bj bj bj bj!!!"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> :iagree:


While she's laying there unable to move or even form coherent words because of the six orgasms, I'm unable to move because of the hyper intense 10 minutes of cardio workout to get her there...oh, and I had an orgasm in there somewhere too


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> "bj bj bj bj bj bj bj bj!!!"


Alright turtle boy, we heard you!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Excellent replies thank you all very much. I will reply later tonight. Now I have to go get dinner ready and fix my face.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Excellent replies thank you all very much. I will reply later tonight. Now I have to go get dinner ready and fix my face.



Dinner? It's not even the lunch hour yet. Change your clock.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

it's the physiology, stupid!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> and fix my face.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*OMG* lol :rofl:


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I wonder if he feels that being the provider, the spider killer, the car maintenance guy, trash taker outer etc, all these house hold tasks are showing love toward me and subsequently feels that he is not appreciated enough.
> 
> -------------------------------------------
> 
> ...


A power struggle in a marriage? Who knew?

Not that I have been able to move past years of resentment (and for the very brief period earlier this year when my wife was a willing participant in our sex life, either I didn't change enough for her to keep it going, or she just isn't that interested) -- but you will never balance out 30 years. It's either been only three weeks, or it's been A WHOLE THREE WEEKS! Make it the latter (yet again, I understand.) Make it the latter. Be pleased that he's changed. Give him a morning BJ, then jump on top of him at night. Then give him a BJ in the morning -- and tell them that the last three weeks have been the best three weeks ever. He's the man you fell in love with and the man you always wanted. 

If he slips back, stop the BJs. And tell him that the man you fell in love with gets BJs, not this guy. But it won't come to that. He's changed. KNOW it. It's been THREE WEEKS! Tell him that! He may then even decide he doesn't need or want the BJ that much, because you are the woman he fell in love with. That woman doesn't get left wanting more. That woman gets what she wants. 

in fact -- that's the goal -- he's arguing "I want PIV" and you respond "No, tonight's BJ night. It's all about you." Then he says "no, it's all about you."


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> I'm not interested in a one sided encounter. I've had maybe 5 in our entire relationship. It holds little interest for me. I simply enjoy my wife's pleasure too much to desire a one sided encounter.


I'm not against it but I do prefer a two sided encounter. That is always my first choice. However, as I said, if she's not feeling it and just wants to take care of me that's fine too. It's not like I haven't made the offer. 

Maybe we should be thinking along the lines of the John F Kennedy quote, "Ask not what your marriage can do for you, ask what you can do for you marriage"


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Okay, time to clear up a few things.
> 
> A No strings attached BJ is rarely offered by me. In fact, a BJ to completion is also rarely offered by me. There is a perfectly good reason for this.
> 
> ...


I'm a newbie and really don't have the right to weigh in..... but, I will anyway.

The above attitude seems surprisingly selfish, especially in light of what appears to have been 3 weeks of good effort on his part. How about some positive reinforcement? 

There are have been times where, in order to maximize my wife's pleasure, I've had to skip having my needs met. I've always been happy to do so.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think, starting tonight, you should give him two NSA blow jobs a week. Do it for six months. 

Just do it and see what happens. 

I dare you. 

Double dog.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh damn. AP....she DOUBLE DOG dared you!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Oh, and I do sympathize with getting turned on by BJ's and then missing out on penetration. I mentioned this to him awhile back, and he shelled out $140 for an awesome Lelo vibrating dildo with like a million settings . . . okay, it's not as good as the real thing, but after I give him a BJ, he sometimes gets a show, too. And quite a bit of the time, he can't stop himself from joining in.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh damn. AP....she DOUBLE DOG dared you!


Make sure you don't engage in a breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the triple dog dare.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Maybe we should be thinking along the lines of the John F Kennedy quote, "Ask not what your marriage can do for you, ask what you can do for you marriage"


One more vote for the Piece Corps.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> I think, starting tonight, you should give him two NSA blow jobs a week.


When the NSA blows you, you stay blown.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I'm a newbie and really don't have the right to weigh in..... but, I will anyway.
> 
> The above attitude seems surprisingly selfish, especially in light of what appears to have been 3 weeks of good effort on his part. How about some positive reinforcement?
> 
> There are have been times where, in order to maximize my wife's pleasure, I've had to skip having my needs met. I've always been happy to do so.


There are lots of replies I want to reply to but I'm going with you Buddy.

1. newbie or not, welcome!
2. Oh wait! Never mind!
3. Only kidding! 

Selfish? Yes, that plays a role as I explained earlier in the thread, by the time the BJ is getting hot, so am I and yes it is selfish of me but I want that lovely erection elsewhere!

Now, for the record, H got a NSA (No Strings Attached) BJ Sunday during half time! So there peeps!

In terms of history and resentment, I mostly brought it up because Cletus's post made me think that maybe from my H's POV, he doesn't get the recognition and credit he rightly deserves. However, that goes both ways...so perhaps the history plays a role but I don't think it's a major role, only a bit part, some niggling thing in the back of his mind.



Cletus said:


> Maybe a blow job has appeal because he just wants, once in a while, to get things just the way he likes them, without having to be constantly derailed by the need to satisfy someone else.


Of course it does and I can see that. I guess this is where resentment comes in, on my part. "The need to satisfy someone else" was all that I lived for a VERY LONG time so I'm just not feeling very magnanimous very often.

It's not that it never happens, maybe once every other month or so. I'm sexually selfish and we have this marriage that we're working on fixing. He got a NSA BJ two days okay. 




Deejo said:


> In the making of the panini partner A decides she wants the beef steak ... and at that point, partner B is sh!t out of luck on getting his panini.
> 
> Partner is hungry, horny, and shifts the priority from partner b ' s needs, to partner A ' s needs.
> 
> And that's not where the lunch line originally started.


It's a tad more complicated than that Deejo. In making the panini for partner B, partner A won't get anything and partner A is always hungry.



NoraJane said:


> So now YOU are score-keeping. This won't work either. He won't be able to make up for 30 years, ever. You have to accept equity now and going forward, rather than expecting he over-do while you under-do to make up for your 30 years of over-doing and subsequent resentment.


I did make it sound that way didn't I? As always NJ, you get straight to the point and I accept your POV as being wholly valid! 

I have to think if I really "expect" him to make up for the past.... Of course this isn't possible. I think on the whole I don't, but resentment does creep in even when you think you've got it licked, no pun intended.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I think, starting tonight, you should give him two NSA blow jobs a week. Do it for six months.
> 
> Just do it and see what happens.
> 
> ...


We are no longer friends! 

Why? Is this to help create something? To teach me something?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> Oh, and I do sympathize with getting turned on by BJ's and then missing out on penetration. I mentioned this to him awhile back, and he shelled out $140 for an awesome Lelo vibrating dildo with like a million settings . . . okay, it's not as good as the real thing, but after I give him a BJ, he sometimes gets a show, too. And quite a bit of the time, he can't stop himself from joining in.


Hmmmm my oh my that sounds like it might help take the edge off! 

My husband will be along shortly perhaps he will see this post *with a link attached for easy ordering* and take pity on me?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

GettingIt said:


> Oh, and I do sympathize with getting turned on by BJ's and then missing out on penetration. I mentioned this to him awhile back, and he shelled out $140 for an awesome Lelo vibrating dildo with like a million settings . . . okay, it's not as good as the real thing, but after I give him a BJ, he sometimes gets a show, too. And quite a bit of the time, he can't stop himself from joining in.


I second the vote for Lelo vibes! You can get them on Amazon for less, but go to their website first and look through all of them to see which you like best.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> We are no longer friends!
> 
> Why? Is this to help create something? *To teach me something?*


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hmmmm my oh my that sounds like it might help take the edge off!
> 
> My husband will be along shortly perhaps he will see this post *with a link attached for easy ordering* and take pity on me?


ELISE 2 | The Large-sized Vibrator with Double Motors | LELO

Ah, I love that Web site . . . but as Nora points out, Amazon is probably cheaper. My husband said that he called and talked to Lelo rep a few times when he was deciding what to get, and noted they do have great customer service. I bet anyone who works for Lelo is all blissed out!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> ELISE 2 | The Large-sized Vibrator with Double Motors | LELO
> 
> Ah, I love that Web site . . . but as Nora points out, Amazon is probably cheaper. *My husband said that he called and talked to Lelo rep a few times when he was deciding what to get, and noted they do have great customer service. *I bet anyone who works for Lelo is all blissed out!


:rofl: I'll bet he did end the call pleased!

Gosh, don't you wanna just have that job for a day or so, just to have fun with it?


No whistling sister! What am I supposed to learn from twice weekly NSA BJ's?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ummm about that Lelo... You have kids, where do you keep it plugged in? After having to explain my magic wand and a few other things the kids found and now swear they are ruined for life over my husband has insisted I keep everything in a locked bag.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You don't have a sex dungeon with a secret entrance?


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

i dont really get the point of the post and why two people would disgree about it..sounds to scientific to me


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> You don't have a sex dungeon with a secret entrance?


Alas.... Maybe next Christmas...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Ummm about that Lelo... You have kids, where do you keep it plugged in? After having to explain my magic wand and a few other things the kids found and now swear they are ruined for life over my husband has insisted I keep everything in a locked bag.


:rofl:

Where are they least likely to go for any reason? The laundry room?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No whistling sister! What am I supposed to learn from twice weekly NSA BJ's?


Just that if you take the plunge and commit to doing something utterly selfless in your marriage, you just might get a big return on the investment. You have resentment; find a way to let it go. 



Anon Pink said:


> Ummm about that Lelo... You have kids, where do you keep it plugged in? After having to explain my magic wand and a few other things the kids found and now swear they are ruined for life over my husband has insisted I keep everything in a locked bag.


I don't know where he charges it, but it seems to always be ready to go. I think the battery holds a charge for a long time. 

I was just thinking about our toys today and that we really need a better hiding place than behind some junk in our walk-in closet. Of course, I'm convinced the kids are already scarred by the noises that emanate from our bedroom late at night.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I always say, if you're gonna traumatize your kids, at least get something positive out of it for yourself!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Where are they least likely to go for any reason? The laundry room?


Naw, I make them do their own laundry. My youngest is in HS now.

I actually use my magic wand on my back, shoulder well the whole right side of my body. So I leave it out and when ever they hear it, they smirk at me the next day. Doors open, I'm using it on body parts that aren't private....


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

OK folks, Mr Pink is in the house, i killed a few spiders, fixed her sister's closet (she lives with us) and fixed dinner (ok....put a pizza in the oven). I have read through this thread and there is so much to say, unfortunately I can only take this one step at a time. Thanks for all the feedback.

First of all, the poll is bunko due to voter registration / participation inequality; however, some of my favorite responses and suggestions are female initiated and Ms. P is not taking it very well.

Secondly, I am not campaigning for orgasm equality, it would be impossible to match count of her orgasms to mine (even when you through out the fake ones). Some estimates and examples posted here of 3 or 4 to 1 are probably pretty accurate. Additionaly, we are not talking about (or counting) her affinity for daytime masterbation. It brings me great pleasure to bring her to nirvana and the resulting multiple orgasm pleasure she deserves. Matter of fact, I often do not get fully erect until I am pleasuring her and she sinks into that mode. This has actually been an issue, in the past mostly, when she would initiate play with me manually and oraly and I would not become erect. She became hurt (understandably so) and play would end there. Even now, for sure, I become at fullest attention when I am playing with her and she is moaning. It makes me feel like a man and a provider.

Third, multipleorgasms vs. multiple-orgasms. As described here as well, multipleorgasm is the rolling, continuous, not sure when the one ended and the next began type of orgasm (less typical) vs. the multiple-orgasm which has a clear start and stop phase (fairely typical in most encounters). This type she enjoys first with a couple O's via digital stimulation then another maybe licking (less often) followed by PIV. Yes, as previouse posters indicated, this sometimes comes over extensive massage time, muscle cramping and physical exersion. None of which is unpleasant, just watching and hearing her drives me on and UP. On the more ruckus sessions, the toys come out and you can add a couple more O's to the mix. Please also note that every toy in the bag, probably a dozen or more, are toys for her pleasure. But careful now, remember that the more satisfied she is the more excited I get.

At the culmination of all this, my O is singular, PIV but almost always a 10! During the passion of all of this, it is not uncommon for her to go down on me; typically it is not for long because I would explode and she wants it inside her. It is not uncommon to have sex during her time of the month either; she gets horney at this time so we just throw down a towel and take care of business. She is considerate during some of these periods and when she is just not in the mood, to give me a hand job. And these are absolutely wonderful. 

So I am not counting, cause I would win that one, and I am not complaining about the amount of effort delivering orgasms, cause I would win that one too. Maybe it is the sensation of being serviced with her full attention on me until completion of orgasm. Also, I want her to want to do it for me like I want to do it for her. I am not too proud to suggest, ask or even demand; but the best is when she just unzips my pants, drops to her knees and focuses on the matter at hand until completion. One of my favorite love langues is acts of kindness and I think this fits right in here. 

I cant go back over 30 years or take credit for 3 weeks of behavior. There is lots I am working on in our marriage and it will take time to make all that work for her. We have been having great sex for well over a year now and this is all about sex. 

So, come on pollsters check your ballots. She says if I get up to 10 votes tonight, it will happen tonight.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

thumbper said:


> OK folks, Mr Pink is in the house,
> 
> 
> So, come on pollsters check your ballots. She says if I get up to 10 votes tonight, it will happen tonight.


Not gonna happen sweet cheeks!


See why I love this guy? Even in the face of all the divulging of personal information, he can make me laugh!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

thumbper said:


> So, come on pollsters check your ballots. She says if I get up to 10 votes tonight, it will happen tonight.


I'm doing my best for you man. And for the record, I voted for you (I'm #3).


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Nice try WOM, still not gonna happen, he's not gonna get to 10 tonight.

But that doesn't mean a NSA BJ isn't in the cards for sometimes soon.


BTW, for the record, he turned the oven on and took a frozen pizza out of the freezer. THATS fixing dinner?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes. That is fixing dinner. (Said with a straight face)


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm doing my best for you man. And for the record, I voted for you (I'm #3).


Thanks WOM, I new I could count on you. I am new here and do not know many posters. I guess I am going to have to work the pole(s) myself tonight.

While Mrs P :sleeping:


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> the logic he uses to argue for unreciprocated orgasms is faulty but asking for more unreciprocated orgasms (aka BJ's) is not out of line or bounds imo.
> 
> just somewhat of a passive aggressive way of trying to get what you want, I bet if he asked in a more constructive way you'd be more willing to accomodate


Thanks, suggestions noted Almost. Asking is part of the issue, she never asks for multiple O's, but I love to give them to her everytime.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes.


Sorry to hear that Curious, it turns me on big time. I am not typically ready to go until she hits 2 or 3.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

thumbper said:


> Thanks WOM, I new I could count on you. I am new here and do not know many posters. I guess I am going to have to work the pole(s) myself tonight.
> 
> While Mrs P :sleeping:


Our time dear. 

Now I have some Chinese tiles to match...


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> There is certainly an orgasm disparity between my wife and I...about 5 to 1 in her favor. Almost every time, she is in O territory before me. I have no issues with the numbers there...the more the merrier
> 
> The only disparity I ever really feel, and one that would help me feel less selfish with an unreciporicated encounter, is that I do put in more physical effort during most encounters. There are many encounters where she gets her fill of orgasms without having to get off her back. Don't get me wrong, she's very enthusiastic, but there is an effort disparity. It's not nearly as often that she does all the work.


Bingo Samy, this is what I am talking about. I love for her to have all she wants, i get off when she is in nirvana, but seems that the unreciprocated comes with alot of guilt on my part. The event occurs for me seemingly once every month or two and generally after some act of valor or major household maintenance accomplishment on my part. Then for several days after, I am reminded of how lucky I am. For her, multiple orgasms occur sometime between 10:00 and 12:00 PM, 3 to 4 nights a week. She deserves it and all and I love PIV sex to orgasm with her, no complaints on the numbers per say, there is some guilt that comes with the unreciprocated act.

Make sure you cast your vote on her thread.
Thanks


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> In my mind unreciprocated orgasms should be offered not asked for.


:iagree:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Partner B feels that there is an inequality in orgasms and as such feels that unreciprocated encounters in which ONLY B has an orgasm are fair and should be practiced. Partner B wants an orgasm equity rule in place.


Partner B wants an orgasm equity rule in place. That may be one of the dumbest things I've every read anywhere.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> he needs to learn how to have multiple orgasms.
> 
> BOOM! problem solved.


I am all for it, this will require very active effort and participation from Mrs. Thumbper. ray:


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Alright! Who voted for Orgasm Equity?
> 
> Thumbper, you don't get to vote on this!


Yeah, who didn't know that?


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> I think, starting tonight, you should give him two NSA blow jobs a week. Do it for six months.
> 
> Just do it and see what happens.
> 
> ...


AP has always told me that you are wise and all knowing, I now see what she has been talking about.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Honey, the game is on....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok Thumbper....WHY do you not hug, hold, caress, and massage your wife daily? With or without reciprocation?

If I'm understanding this situation correctly, Anon is starved of non-sexual affection and touch. No wonder she is a chronic masturbater.

Not sure if you know that I'm the arrogant one who talks about the Sex God husband or not...(nice to meet you, that's me) (curtsy)...but one of the biggest reasons he is such a great lover is his hands...they want to touch me, and not just sexually. He truly wants to massage me or just lightly caress me somewhere OR even better, squeeze me and manhandle me, like constantly. 

I'm not saying all women would want this, but I know your wife would. TOUCH HER MORE. Why don't you?

And you Anon...ok here's some Sex God advice to you...my hubby is in some ways my "dom" but not really in the BDSM sense. It is more that I am a monkey girl who would gladly run rough shod over all his boundaries, and he's a zoo keeper who quite literally has to cage me.

What this means: I'm like you, my horny chick will leap out of my body and make you have non-consensual sex with me (or that's what it feels like anyway) if I get my cooker running too hot with no actual sex happening afterwards.

But with his strict boundaries, I simply cannot do this. I can't push my body's agenda on him at any time, he keeps me in my place.

So here's the part that will shock you...once he really did put me in this place with his boundaries and I was/am forced to sit in my horny monkey girl mania all by my lonesome with no penis...IT DID NOT KILL ME AFTER ALL! 

In fact, he told me what could/would happen was that I could channel this amazing energy into all kinds of directions within myself, and that is in fact, very true for me now. 

But it isn't very fun if you are still letting the monkey girl run wild in your head. That's what makes you (used to make me) go crazy with unpleasant feelings of blue vulva. So how do you shut up monkey girl but still use the beautiful energy she creates?

Put the b*tch in her cage with SELF-discipline. When you begin to use sexual self-discipline to channel your wonderful sexual energy into other parts of your life, you will find it actually enhances your sexual experiences.

People need to take these horny feelings somewhere, or you will go crazy.

So this is how I am able to endure the CRAZY MONKEY GIRL horny-ness I get when I give a one-way BJ. With self-discipline in mind, I enjoy every tiny thing my body is doing while I'm giving the bj. I feel myself getting wet and tingly and swollen, I feel an urge to just JUMP him, I feel swells in my heart of love for him, I have crazy sexual and sometimes bizarre images go through my head...and I enjoy these things. I do not experience them as unpleasant sexual frustration any more, I experience them as a sort of private, mental sex act.

I may MB afterwards if I just have to have an O (sh*t, I need one now just because I wrote that above, phew!) and he may assist or not, no expectations.

But to both of you...I couldn't do this if I didn't have the touching, hugs, massages and straight up groping...I need that stuff, that is part of how I use my self-discipline...it keeps me calm (gotta pet and stroke the monkey, she'll be calmer...and actually, my H says he instinctually knows to do this...I can elaborate if you want)...and I also could not do this if I let resentment stand in my way, which trust me, I have plenty of resentment. 

So thumbper, touch her more.

Anon, use some self-discipline and check your (deserved) resentment at the door.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Separate your finances, put a VAR in her car and do a hard 180.

That should put an end to these multiple orgasm shenanigans. 

If you have a wife who loves you, you are way ahead of about 85% of the male population posting here. 

Just some perspective for partners A and B.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Partner B wants an orgasm equity rule in place.





That is what Partner A wrote. But, after reading this thread, my guess is the notion of orgasm equity distracts both from what the real issues are. Leaves me confused, anyways.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AP, is there a conflict and/opportunity arising from the desires you posted on the thread about dom-sub and your aversion to satisfying him orally?



Also, if resentment in you is running deep, do you want to do anything about it? Does he? Can you? Can he?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> AP, is there a conflict and/opportunity arising from the desires you posted on the thread about dom-sub and your aversion to satisfying him orally?


Yes, that is an opportunity for him. That totally turns me on. I don't have an aversion to BJs at all. I'm just a selfish greedy orgasm seeker and really like his penis. It is a work of art!





> Also, if resentment in you is running deep, do you want to do anything about it? Does he? Can you? Can he?


I'm trying to get rid of resentment, I really am because I know it's not helping anything at this point now that my H has snapped out of his distance/disinterest mode. I don't really feel like he grasps the depth of his long term distance/disinterest and how deeply that hurt me. 

I'm going to be completely honest here. I also don't feel like he accepts or acknowledges how damn lucky he is that his wife is such a passionate creature that her passion alone kept this marriage from imploding. 

So let's be clear, no aversion to BJ's, selfish greedy orgasm seeker, long history of doing for others and NOT having anyone emotionally caring for me. Results: don't often feel selfLESS anymore. That part of me was turned off about 6 years ago.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

I can't vote for either option, because neither seem fair.

I vote to give her as much pleasure as she can tolerate. And for her to assist with the same for me.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

My husband thinks he's failed if I don't orgasm at least 3 times lol. Surely its quality not quantity that counts.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Maybe I am just looking at this too simply, but sometimes there are situations that aren't 37 layers deep. I am not seeing the power struggle with underlying resentments as the issue here. I think it really could just be as simple as him sometimes wanting to use his erection in the way he wants.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Maybe I am just looking at this too simply, but sometimes there are situations that aren't 37 layers deep. I am not seeing the power struggle with underlying resentments as the issue here. I think it really could just be as simple as him sometimes wanting to use his erection in the way he wants.


That really is all it is.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That really is all it is.


Are you OK sharing his erection with him sometimes?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm not even sure your need to go the NSA bj route even. There are just times that I want to finish with her mouth, hand, boobs, what ever, but I never leave her hanging with nothing...oral and manual...wasn't it Meatloaf who said two outta three ain't bad?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Are you OK sharing his erection with him sometimes?


Never thought of it like that. Hmmmm


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

In any case this is such a good "problem" to have!!!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Don't worry Anon. I struggle with this too, you know it!

Husband wants NSA BJs. But that means no fun for me, and I am way hornier than him, so it seems unfair. He says I'm selfish, I say he is selfish. We are just at an impasse. 

I think yours has potential for a solution though. If he is giving you multiples several times a week it sounds like he is investing a lot of time in your pleasure. I don't think it is selfish of him to want a BJ occasionally. Like every couple weeks. 

Also why does it have to be NSA? After he gives you your O, why can't he have the option to finish in your mouth? Just a thought. That's what I do. I demand my own O. But he can choose wherever and however he gets his. 

Or maybe as someone else said, you can finish up with the vibrator while he just holds you and does minimal work. My husband isn't willing to do this, but I think yours would be!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This issue runs up against basic biology.

Men do not have the same capacity for orgasms as women do.

So demanding a one-for-one equity is an ignorant thing to do.

Better, would be to work on being mutually satisfying to each other to whatever level and frequency desired


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> AP, is there a conflict and/opportunity arising from the desires you posted on the thread about dom-sub and your aversion to satisfying him orally?





Anon Pink said:


> Yes, that is an opportunity for him. That totally turns me on.


Like I have said elsewhere, I don't understand what the dom-sub thing "is", but the opportunity I was alluding to was him being dominant by you providing him what he wants now, and you having to wait for your release until later -- when he decides you can have it. (If that's not part of the dom-sub pattern you have in mind, like I said, I speak from ignorance here. If it is part of it, then, uhm, where's the problem other than he doesn't yet understand you doth protest too much and you know it?) 




Anon Pink said:


> I'm trying to get rid of resentment,


How? I ask because surely that is a difficult thing for anyone to do, and wishing won't make it so. 

My therapist recommended Dr. Luskin's work to me: Tools » Forgive for good At first glance, it seems there is something there for me. YMMV.



Anon Pink said:


> I really am because I know it's not helping anything at this point now that my H has snapped out of his distance/disinterest mode.


Seems like a window of opportunity for your two. Perhaps your only.



Anon Pink said:


> I don't really feel like he grasps the depth of his long term distance/disinterest and how deeply that hurt me.
> 
> I'm going to be completely honest here. I also don't feel like he accepts or acknowledges how damn lucky he is that his wife is such a passionate creature that her passion alone kept this marriage from imploding.


Thumbper, if you want some illumination, go read some other threads, perhaps even mine. There are lots of examples here of what long term distance/disinterest can be like on the receiving end.




Anon Pink said:


> So let's be clear, no aversion to BJ's, selfish greedy orgasm seeker, long history of doing for others and NOT having anyone emotionally caring for me. Results: don't often feel selfLESS anymore. That part of me was turned off about 6 years ago.


Just being rhetorical, but that leaves me wondering where your interest in being dominated in a dom-sub sort of way comes from. Maybe it's a way of giving yourself permission to "want" for YOURself; i.e., you can want to an extreme without worrying whether it is "fair" or not, as long as you have reason to believe in the end he will resist being dominated by you? Are you comfortable being self-interested, now six years into that? Or do you feel guilt or uneasiness still?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


>


Why fix this face???

She looks more than willing and ready!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I especially like the bicycle inner-tube patch hickies!


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Why fix this face???
> 
> She looks more than willing and ready!


Maybe I picked the wrong week to re-orient my workstation setup in my cube. Suddenly I realize it's quite easy for folks to glance at what's on my screen as they innocently walk by....


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


>


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


>


Is that with makeup and without?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is that with makeup and without?


2am with beer...7am without.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am not even sure I understand the question...which I feel pretty brick headed about....

We are both a "ONE and DONE" type couple.. 99.5 % of the time we both GO... and more than 9 times out of 10 we Go together... then collapse in each other's arms.. He is very good at holding out for me... a Master I'd say.

My husband would not be satisfied if I didn't have an orgasm.. he'd feel bad about it.. as he is such a pleaser by nature.... but this has never bothered me , in fact I dearly love this about him !!!

On rare occasions one of us will forego getting ours, but it's only because we had a very recent encounter..those times I have looked at it like a "get one for free" deal or something.. as I too- want him to get his!!

5 yrs ago, I was getting an extra 2 to 4 orgasms a month over him.... but these days...I think we're even... He may forego one here.. or me.. but we think nothing of it at all..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


>



That reminds me....I need new sunblock.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> That reminds me....I need new sunblock.


You do know I was in no way shape or form implying either implicitly or explicitly any connection or similarity between you and this creature


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> You do know I was in no way shape or form implying either implicitly or explicitly any connection or similarity between you and this creature


Of course I know that silly man. I have way more teeth.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Of course I know that silly man. I have way more teeth.



Just as sharp?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

drerio said:


> Just as sharp?


LOL, only when I snap!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I have to admit that I read page 1 and page 10.
Partner B is Using some BS to get a few BJ's nothing new there.
My vote C neither of the above. Due to mismatched libido I MB more than have encounters. I'm every 2 days or so. Partner A is once a week. And for this A a multiple O means one G and one Clitoris. My T is on the low part of the cycle so I'll just have a bowl of alphabet soup tonight.

MN


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Sorry if I've led some of you astray. Partner B is quite happy to indulge Partner A and is not considering slacking off in the orgasm delivery department. Partner B simply feels that an unreciprocated encounter on a regular basis is warranted due to the orgasm allotment inequity.


AP I mean partner A

I enjoy the occasional Sunday morning BJ as a carry over for my good performance Saturday night

Seems fair to me My sweety doesn't seem to mind either. Gets her ready for the Pats games

55


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

drerio said:


> I can draw stick people so you need to use your imagination and draw the picture in your head. Let me just start by saying our engine the brain is truly messed up. Since evolution did not do the de novo approach of building the neural network structures we are left with a three engines, lawn mower, VW and a high end formula 1 racing engine. Three often cooperative but two of which can compete for our attention.
> 
> One of those the engines the VW dictates the autonomic processes of our lives. So lets re-draw that engine as a teeter tooter. On one end of the teeter tooter, the sympathetic system, that puts us on high alert, the alarms system that helps us make sure that we have proper responses to emergency situations without having to cognitively think about it. The other end, the parasympathetic, the rest and recovery side of life, the one that we spend longer periods of our life in and hence we normally use the term parasympathetic tone as the typical human experience.
> 
> ...


Not to me and I read it 3 times so still working on it
Love it though.

55


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## RandomWife99 (Jan 28, 2014)

I think it should be more like equality of each specific sexual act. If he gives you stand alone oral sex to orgasm then he should get stand alone blow jobs. Why is it that most guys seem to expect blow jobs but women only get oral as part of foreplay or at least before sex. There isn't even an equivalent word to 'blow job' for women. 

My husband has never given me oral as a stand alone act. He brings me to orgasm through oral before we have piv sex sometimes, and he gets oral too as foreplay too. I would also be happy to finish him orally afterwards, although he usually prefers piv. But he's never considered giving me NSA oral even though I have the higher sex drive (or followed through after I finally suggested that as a compromise for or drive mismatch). Plus I would be left unsatisfied for days after giving him a blow job before he was in the mood again. So no NSA blow jobs for him.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I will make the U TURN under the sheets on command

But she never has to ask

Love that about myself

55


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I want to hear from thumbper...do you touch, grope, caress, massage your wife, in ways she enjoys at non-sexual times? Do you swirl her in the kitchen, dip her, and plant a big smooch on her? Do you keep your hand firmly on her thigh when sitting next to her, and on her waist or the small of her back when out and about? And if not, why not?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

(and someone in the crowd goes...)

DIP HER IN THE KITCHEN!! DIP HER IN THE KITCHEN!! :toast:


----------



## Just dandy (Sep 26, 2014)

Never heard of this before with orgasm equity / encounter equity. 

I would be happy to give my wife 20 orgasms to my one. I love making a woman orgasm, it is as satisfying as my own. Nothing makes me feel more alpha than that. I don't think I've ever met a man that didn't feel the same.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RandomWife99 said:


> I think it should be more like equality of each specific sexual act. If he gives you stand alone oral sex to orgasm then he should get stand alone blow jobs. Why is it that most guys seem to expect blow jobs but women only get oral as part of foreplay or at least before sex. There isn't even an equivalent word to 'blow job' for women.
> 
> My husband has never given me oral as a stand alone act. He brings me to orgasm through oral before we have piv sex sometimes, and he gets oral too as foreplay too. I would also be happy to finish him orally afterwards, although he usually prefers piv. But he's never considered giving me NSA oral even though I have the higher sex drive (or followed through after I finally suggested that as a compromise for or drive mismatch). Plus I would be left unsatisfied for days after giving him a blow job before he was in the mood again. So no NSA blow jobs for him.


First off, I would think that oral on a woman until she orgasms is a bit more than just foreplay.

In your situation, it sounds like you are the higher drive partner with a fairly significant drive mismatch, so no NSA bj's makes sense because of what it would do to your over all sex life...ie...he wouldn't be in the mood for a while, and the quantity would suffer, especially since he won't give you NSA pleasure.

I am assuming that you are orgasmic in multiple ways...oral, manual, and maybe PIV.

In a general sense, let's assume none of the extremes, so the woman is not anorgasmic, the man isn't multi orgasmic, the potential for the number of orgasms is usually going to be in favor of the woman, so that does lead to encounter equity.

I have a different take on orgasm equity. The assumption has been on sheer numbers, and again, all else being equal, she's going to have more. In a mutually orgasmic encounter

My point being...if she is orgasming multiple times during any given encounter, him having a say in how he orgams is both encounter and orgasmic equity, especially if he is putting more effort into her orgasms.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Apparently some people must take clickers into the bedroom to tally up orgasms and then log the counts. 

In my mind every sexual encounter between my partner and I should result in both of us having as many orgasms as we wish to have in that particular encounter. Both should stay engaged until the last one is done.


----------



## Just dandy (Sep 26, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> …...
> In my mind every sexual encounter between my partner and I should result in both of us having as many orgasms as we wish to have in that particular encounter. Both should stay engaged until the last one is done.



Yep, what he said


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Apparently some people must take clickers into the bedroom to tally up orgasms and then log the counts.
> 
> In my mind every sexual encounter between my partner and I should result in both of us having as many orgasms as we wish to have in that particular encounter. Both should stay engaged until the last one is done.


I think most of us here agree with this...this is what most people strive for, and many achieve without any conscious effort...it just happens when a couple is sexually in sync. It usually only becomes an issue when one partner feels the balance is off, and often times, the other partner is completely clueless because they are satisfied.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is rarely going to be orgasm equity, so I don't worry about it. A mutually fulfilling encounter is the goal, IMO. However, there can be a huge discrepancy in the level of effort involved in creating a good encounter. If one person is consistently doing most of the work, from initiating on, then they may feel that there's some inequity. I think that their partner should make an effort occasionally to make an encounter primarily about them to show an appreciation for the consistent effort to meet their needs.


----------



## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My H and I have a disagreement and I told him I was going to ask for opinions because I think he's wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!
> 
> Partner A is capable of and generally has several orgasms per sexual encounter. This partner doesn't generally feel fully satisfied until I, I mean she, I mean partner A, has had several orgasms per sexual encounter and this partner tends to orgasm very easily.
> 
> ...



I haven't looked at all the other responses, but if your husband (I mean partner B) wants to count numbers, how will intensity and length of orgasm be factored in. Not all orgasms are equal after all! 

It is almost like you would have to have each partner hooked up to sensors and take the area under the arousal plot to compare amounts of arousal to make it really "fair." And does he want to keep a weekly tally and does he want to include solo orgasms? And then how do you factor in effort to get partner there? Some orgasm more easily, some require a lot more work. 

Press him on all these questions and ask him how he wants to keep track of all this! Sounds romantic!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Abc123wife said:


> I haven't looked at all the other responses, but if your husband (I mean partner B) wants to count numbers, how will intensity and length of orgasm be factored in. Not all orgasms are equal after all!
> 
> It is almost like you would have to have each partner hooked up to sensors and take the area under the arousal plot to compare amounts of arousal to make it really "fair." And does he want to keep a weekly tally and does he want to include solo orgasms? And then how do you factor in effort to get partner there? Some orgasm more easily, some require a lot more work.
> 
> Press him on all these questions and ask him how he wants to keep track of all this! Sounds romantic!


I think the root of this isn't so much a 1 for 1 number of orgasms, as much as it is partner B wanting a part of the decision making process on what should be done with his erection. Partner A almost always wants it for herself, and partner B is saying he wants it his way every now and then.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It usually only becomes an issue when one partner feels the balance is off, and often times, the other partner is completely clueless because they are satisfied.


Doesn't that imply they're disengaging from the encounter before their partner is done? I don't know that you have to be in sync...you both just have to care about the other. 

If my partner came to me and wanted sex and I wasn't into it (hard to imagine but let's imagine it for the sake of argument) I would still be more than happy to participate in her having an orgasm. (I'm excluding situations where I was ill or majorly stressed out from work or something like that). The fun part is even if I wasn't into in the beginning I would most likely get into in that scenario. 

I have a hard time with some people's perception of sex. It seems like it's a "what's in it for me?" type attitude.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Doesn't that imply they're disengaging from the encounter before their partner is done? I don't know that you have to be in sync...you both just have to care about the other.
> 
> If my partner came to me and wanted sex and I wasn't into it (hard to imagine but let's imagine it for the sake of argument) I would still be more than happy to participate in her having an orgasm. (I'm excluding situations where I was ill or majorly stressed out from work or something like that). The fun part is even if I wasn't into in the beginning I would most likely get into in that scenario.
> 
> I have a hard time with some people's perception of sex. *It seems like it's a "what's in it for me?" type attitude*.


That's there for just about everyone...even if they won't admit it. If it wasn't enjoyable, if they were getting nothing out of it, they wouldn't want do it. We see it here frequently...selfish lover's partner no longer wanting it.

What you are still describing is a sex life that you feel is balanced, and I presume you have a partner that fulfills your desires...so your "what's in it for me?" answer is what you want and need, therefore it's a question you don't really think about.

It doesn't even have to come down to "what's in it for me?" when both partners are orgasming most encounters. If both partners are engaged, but one begins to feel as if they are doing most of the work, spending more time attending to their partner, that one partner is getting their way more often, then overall equity becomes an issue.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Just like Anon, this thread keeps on coming


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

For Christmas, Anon and hubby need an abacus mounted on the wall as a score keeper.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

RandomWife99 said:


> I think it should be more like equality of each specific sexual act. If he gives you stand alone oral sex to orgasm then he should get stand alone blow jobs. Why is it that most guys seem to expect blow jobs but women only get oral as part of foreplay or at least before sex. There isn't even an equivalent word to 'blow job' for women.


Amen sister. I think we need to coin a phrase here.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

RandomWife99 said:


> Why is it that most guys seem to expect...


I really don't know what most guys expect, but, speaking for my self -- no. What you described is not me.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

AR,

I realize we are in the SIM section. Still, that was pretty graphic.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> AR,
> 
> I realize we are in the SIM section. Still, that was pretty graphic.



should I have used black instead of red for the tally marks?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ahem.....hello thumbper? (is this thing on)

DIP HER IN THE KITCHEN!!! DIP HER IN THE KITCHEN!!! :toast:


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Oragasm


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


>


And it is only October 2nd!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> AR,
> 
> I realize we are in the SIM section. Still, that was pretty graphic.


:rofl:

Good one!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> Just like Anon, this thread keeps on coming


Multipostastic threads....mmmmmm.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> I haven't looked at all the other responses, but if your husband (I mean partner B) wants to count numbers, how will intensity and length of orgasm be factored in. Not all orgasms are equal after all!
> 
> It is almost like you would have to have each partner hooked up to sensors and take the area under the arousal plot to compare amounts of arousal to make it really "fair." And does he want to keep a weekly tally and does he want to include solo orgasms? And then how do you factor in effort to get partner there? Some orgasm more easily, some require a lot more work.
> 
> Press him on all these questions and ask him how he wants to keep track of all this! Sounds romantic!


It's actually a self reporting tool that I have made up for us.

If we're both a sweaty mess and we're both smiling from ear to ear, and neither would make it out alive in the event of a fire, it was a mutually satisfactory event. BUT!!! If one of us can be counted on to answer the phone within 5 minutes afterward, that person wasn't totally fulfilled. And how long does it take to swallow?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

thumbper said:


> And it is only October 2nd!



Was hoping someone would catch that nuance


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Apparently some people must take clickers into the bedroom to tally up orgasms and then log the counts.
> 
> In my mind every sexual encounter between my partner and I should result in both of us having as many orgasms as we wish to have in that particular encounter. Both should stay engaged until the last one is done.


Not looking for clickers in the bedroom, looking for lickers in the bedroom... actually, the bedroom is not a requirement. 

Maritime, if you are having multiple orgasms per encounter, I bow to you virility and would like some of that Nova Scotia salmon or salty air or whatever it is that "floats your boat". The fact of the matter is that typically, each encounter results LOVINGLY in as many Os as she pleases and I am not only happy but also extremely aroused throughout until her last one is done. My current capabilities are for one O per session and the PIV orgasm is possibly the most extreme.

So, nipple, digital, oral, PIV, vibrator, dildo and the old knee hump vs. the PIV. Putting the quantity disparity aside for a moment, seems like there is a varietal advantage as well. All hail and salute to the smorgasbord of pleasures the magnificent female body has available. I am amazed, in awe and very happy for her and proud to be the participating partner in all this pleasure.

So, all I am saying is yeah an NSA BJ...to completion (or a smithington) every now and then (twice a week was Gettingitgood's unbiased suggestion) would be an appreciated loving treat from a loving partner.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

thumbper said:


> Maritime, if you are having multiple orgasms per encounter, I bow to you virility and would like some of that Nova Scotia salmon or salty air or whatever it is that "floats your boat".


LOL...no unfortunately I'm pretty much only good for one round. No secrets here that I know of. 

I do my best to keep my comments gender neutral as I believe what applies to one should always apply to the other.

But if I was capable of multiple orgasms I would expect my partner to stay engaged until I had all I wanted. If she regularly just came, rolled over and left me high and dry that wouldn't go over very well and we'd either figure out how to fix it or go our separate ways.

Life is too short to put up with an unsatisfactory sex life.


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I want to hear from thumbper...do you touch, grope, caress, massage your wife, in ways she enjoys at non-sexual times? Do you swirl her in the kitchen, dip her, and plant a big smooch on her? Do you keep your hand firmly on her thigh when sitting next to her, and on her waist or the small of her back when out and about? And if not, why not?


Ahah, FW, you are very introspective here. I am a mute in this love language, I am working on this and other deficiencies in my shows of affection. I seem to have a filter on my emotions and I do not like it, give me a little time, she deserves it and is worty of all of my attention.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> LOL, only when I snap!


Do not confuse "only" with meaning infrequently!


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I'm not even sure your need to go the NSA bj route even. There are just times that I want to finish with her mouth, hand, boobs, what ever, but I never leave her hanging with nothing...oral and manual...wasn't it Meatloaf who said two outta three ain't bad?


This is spot on, Sammy. Thanks for putting it out there.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

I would think if these things are done right the count would be unknown at the end. 

"Where were we? Damned if I know."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

thumbper said:


> Ahah, FW, you are very introspective here. I am a mute in this love language, I am working on this and other deficiencies in my shows of affection. I seem to have a filter on my emotions and I do not like it, *give me a little time*, she deserves it and is worty of all of my attention.


Sorry, not buying it.

There is no reason you cannot do this RIGHT NOW, this instant. Go grab her and hug her. Why would you need more time for this? Get over it, or get into counseling to figure out what your issue is, but either way...HUG HER NOW and every night and day for the rest of your life. It makes you uncomfortable to give affection because of something lurking within you? So what? Being uncomfortable won't kill you. No excuses.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Partner B wants an orgasm equity rule in place. That may be one of the dumbest things I've every read anywhere.


It is not orgasm equity as it is more of variety. Like a good fall apple harvest, it is best to sample all the varietals.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry, not buying it.
> 
> There is no reason you cannot do this RIGHT NOW, this instant. Go grab her and hug her. Why would you need more time for this? Get over it, or get into counseling to figure out what your issue is, but either way...HUG HER NOW and every night and day for the rest of your life. It makes you uncomfortable to give affection because of something lurking within you? So what? Being uncomfortable won't kill you. No excuses.


I have hugged her today, and everyday, for the last several weeks. And yes it should have been for the last many years. But I have done this before and then disengaged. So, I say more time meaning...FOR HER...to see that I am capable and I mean it and it is a permenant change. She is not going to be convinced in a week or a month......so give me/her time!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok I will give her more time, and give you a gold star for the hugs you gave her in the last several weeks.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok Thumbper....WHY do you not hug, hold, caress, and massage your wife daily? With or without reciprocation?
> 
> If I'm understanding this situation correctly, Anon is starved of non-sexual affection and touch. No wonder she is a chronic masturbater.
> 
> ...


Thanks FW. So many great points, and personal shares, here. You are on target with the need for non-sexual touches and gropes and her reservoir of built up resentment. I am stuck right now between feeding the monkey and leashing the monkey. I feel like I owe her way more feeding, since I have starved her for so long, before I leash her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

She needs to learn self-discipline and to leash/cage herself. There is really no way other than through self-discipline that any fun sex with a kinky edge can work. The dom can "tell you" to do something, but he or she can't do it for you.

She also needs to learn that her resentments are valid but are not allowed in the bedroom at all, ever. My husband won't touch me sexually if I'm holding some kind of resentment and he'd snif it on me immediately. I learned what it means to check your bags at the door before going in. His refusal to touch me if I'm holding resentment (at the moment) is why our sex life has remained pure and separate from our other problems. In other words, the problems that we have that we both hold resentment about are very real and valid and we have to work through them, but they have nothing to do with sex, so why mix them up with sex?

Some of you and Anon's resentments possibly do have to do with sex, but if you both learn that resentments are not allowed in the bedroom you will learn that you can hang them up and still come back to them later when you can actually work on them.

Having resentment free sex actually helps with the resentments, by the way. It gives you one area of your lives together where you can be totally free from the regular problems and issues you have, and that goes a long way once you do get back outside the bedroom.

You'll still have to work through all that past crap, but if you can at least get it on without any hint of it, you'll both improve so much faster.

Stay focused on the non-sexual touch, but remember it can be sexual touching it just isn't an invitation to sex, that's all. For instance, how much attention do you pay to her boobs? Read this if you have a minute.

I Married a Sex God: Breast Antics


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> She needs to learn self-discipline and to leash/cage herself. There is really no way other than through self-discipline that any fun sex with a kinky edge can work. The dom can "tell you" to do something, but he or she can't do it for you.
> 
> She also needs to learn that her resentments are valid but are not allowed in the bedroom at all, ever. My husband won't touch me sexually if I'm holding some kind of resentment and he'd snif it on me immediately. I learned what it means to check your bags at the door before going in. His refusal to touch me if I'm holding resentment (at the moment) is why our sex life has remained pure and separate from our other problems. In other words, the problems that we have that we both hold resentment about are very real and valid and we have to work through them, but they have nothing to do with sex, so why mix them up with sex?
> 
> ...


Great point, after all...there are almost always issues, resentments and STUFF to work on. Sometimes small stuff, sometimes big stuff but almost always stuff. If sex only took place only when the air was completely clear, there would be very little sex. Less sex leads to more issues and more issues leads to even less sex. WOW, it is like a big whirlpool sucking everything down and down.
Thanks


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

menopausal women are weird


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so let me see.

Husbands should love giving their wives orgasms. They should give them multiples and then accept that their wives don't appreciate it. 

I would think that wives should want to and love giving their husbands as much pleasure as the husband does for them.

so if a husband takes his time and tries to be a good lover by giving his wife as many orgasms per session as she needs shouldn't she want to reciprocate by wanting to give him as many as he needs?

Whats the big deal......Hey babe I've been thinking about you blowing me all day.....Her response should be well then because you always make the effort to do for me I will gladly take care of my man you awesome unselfish lover.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Just another double standard that women twist to get their way without having to reciprocate.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> so let me see.
> 
> Husbands should love giving their wives orgasms.


Correct.



> They should give them multiples and then accept that their *wives don't appreciate it.*


Facts not in evidence. Malicious misunderstanding. Intentional mischaracterization. 



> I would think that wives should want to and love giving their husbands as much pleasure as the husband does for them.


True!



> so if a husband takes his time and tries to be a good lover by giving his wife as many orgasms per session as she needs shouldn't she want to reciprocate by wanting to give him as many as he needs?


True again!



> Whats the big deal......Hey babe I've been thinking about you blowing me all day.....Her response should be well then because you always make the effort to do for me I will gladly take care of my man you awesome unselfish lover.



The Big Deal is as follows, taken from earlier posts by the OP (me) in this very thread...



Anon Pink said:


> Giving him a BJ gets me sexually aroused. It is erotic and exciting to do this for him. Once I am aroused, I want that erection! I have a particular affectionate use for that erection and I don't want it to culminate anywhere but a particular place where...my own orgasm can join his. BUT.... There are a couple of levels between being aroused enough to want that lovely erection and being aroused enough to orgasm from that erection alone. So an encounter for him almost always turns into an encounter for me too.


Here is what this thread has taught me.

While my sexual selfishness is okay, I must remember that the variety of orgasms I enjoy with my husband's enthusiastic assistance and effort is perfectly satisfactory for both of us, I must remember that he needs not only the appreciation of a sexually satisfied wife, but the regular "just for you and just because I love you" orgasm through a No Strings Attached BJ.

ETA with thanks to NoraJane:
...and he deserves some variety in his orgasms too...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> Just another double standard that women twist to get their way without having to reciprocate.


You mad bro?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Here is what this thread has taught me.
> 
> While my sexual selfishness is okay, I must remember that the variety of orgasms I enjoy with my husband's enthusiastic assistance and effort is perfectly satisfactory for both of us, I must remember that he needs not only the appreciation of a sexually satisfied wife, but the regular "just for you and just because I love you" orgasm through a No Strings Attached BJ.


...and he deserves some variety in his orgasms too...


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

norajane said:


> ...and he deserves some variety in his orgasms too...


Right, it was my intent to include that but I got sidetracked during the writing and forgot to include it. Thanks!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> You mad bro?


just sayin how I feel.

I would lick,finger,vibe,anything she communicates she wants for as long as she wants.

But because the male and female response time is different (for most) I think a BJ when asked to show how much she appreciates my efforts would be Huge.

as for it arousing you I would return the favor anytime any place.

a win win for all!


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Correct.
> The Big Deal is as follows, taken from earlier posts by the OP (me) in this very thread...


Not sure if this would help, or make matters worse for you, but on those occasions when you want to provide him that sole focus, perhaps you could, uhm, wear yourself out alone before bestowing your gift.




Anon Pink said:


> Correct.
> Here is what this thread has taught me.
> 
> While my sexual selfishness is okay, I must remember that the variety of orgasms I enjoy with my husband's enthusiastic assistance and effort is perfectly satisfactory for both of us, I must remember that he needs not only the appreciation of a sexually satisfied wife, but the regular "just for you and just because I love you" orgasm through a No Strings Attached BJ.


Awesome. Thumbper, you have a very loving wife interested in your needs. Don't let her go. Use restraints if you have too! (Hey, I'm not the one fancying dom-sub, as far as any of you know).


----------



## Tommy518 (Nov 28, 2011)

I tend to agree with partner B. If you're regularly getting multiples 95% of the time, It's perfectly reasonable for him to expect a freebee now and then with no need to reciprocate. 

Yes, fulfilling each other enhances closeness and intimacy, but so does selflessly giving of yourself and sacrificing for your lover. Just sayin...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

One more vote and Mr. P gets his BJ!!!!

Come on guys!


----------



## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

I enjoyed the manner in which you wrote your opening post Anon. Good job!

I vote for no score card in the bedroom or any other part of the marriage.


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

In theory, and indeed in practice, I think encounter equity is the only reasonable way to go.

Tracking orgasms is too unreliable by its very nature (i.e. 99% of the time, I have exactly one orgasm per encounter, whether it's partnered sex or a NSA BJ or hand job; my wife on the other hand may have anywhere between zero and a dozen orgasms per encounter). 

In over 25 years of marriage, I can count the number of times my wife has allowed me to give her standalone NSA oral or manual orgasms on two hands. Once she comes, she practically demands PIV, and like many women, she just isn't comfortable being the center of sexual attention.


I would love to go down on her with no expectation of reciprocation, but she just doesn't go for that very often, even though that would be a step in the right direction towards orgasm equity. Therefore, I think in my situation, encounter equity is the only option that makes sense.


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> One more vote and Mr. P gets his BJ!!!!
> 
> Come on guys!


You da man WOM, lookin out for your fellow man...working the poles like a true team player!


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> Awesome. Thumbper, you have a very loving wife interested in your needs. Don't let her go. Use restraints if you have too! (Hey, I'm not the one fancying dom-sub, as far as any of you know).


You are correct POS, she is loving and also lovely & lusty too!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For the record, I only work the polls.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> In theory, and indeed in practice, I think encounter equity is the only reasonable way to go.
> 
> Tracking orgasms is too unreliable by its very nature (i.e. 99% of the time, I have exactly one orgasm per encounter, whether it's partnered sex or a NSA BJ or hand job; my wife on the other hand may have anywhere between zero and a dozen orgasms per encounter).
> 
> ...


This gets to the heart of what I have said about encounter equity. My wife is the same way, and so is Anon. They need that erection inside them. I'm saying that since I get one orgasm per encounter to her however many, I should have some say in how that orgasm happens in some of the encounters.

The other night was an example of not really having equity. She had just gotten out of the shower and was a bit sleepy but wanted to have sex anyway, she just didn't want me to cum inside her so she didn't have to get up to clean up. Well, she got her O through oral, one with my fingers, one through PIV before I pulled out and went on her stomach, then back inside, and she had one of her long rolling PIV O's. She laid there for a while, a twitching pile of mush, and after she regained her ability to speak, she said that was probably the most intense set of orgasms she had ever had. For me, it was alright, but no where near as earth shattering. I would have preferred to finish inside. I was really happy I was able to do that for her, but I would have to say that encounter was all about her.

There are still a lot of guys who are of the mindset that they are just lucky to be having an orgasm with a woman, no matter how it happens, that it's a gift from her to be allowed that chance. I do not share that mindset. I want equity.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> This gets to the heart of what I have said about encounter equity. My wife is the same way, and so is Anon. They need that erection inside them. I'm saying that since I get one orgasm per encounter to her however many, I should have some say in how that orgasm happens in some of the encounters.
> 
> The other night was an example of not really having equity. She had just gotten out of the shower and was a bit sleepy but wanted to have sex anyway, she just didn't want me to cum inside her so she didn't have to get up to clean up. Well, she got her O through oral, one with my fingers, one through PIV before I pulled out and went on her stomach, then back inside, and she had one of her long rolling PIV O's. She laid there for a while, a twitching pile of mush, and after she regained her ability to speak, she said that was probably the most intense set of orgasms she had ever had. For me, it was alright, but no where near as earth shattering. I would have preferred to finish inside. I was really happy I was able to do that for her, but I would have to say that encounter was all about her.
> 
> There are still a lot of guys who are of the mindset that they are just lucky to be having an orgasm with a woman, no matter how it happens, that it's a gift from her to be allowed that chance. I do not share that mindset. *I want equity.*


Are you getting equity? And if not, why? I'm not sure I understand what this post was saying.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For the record, I only work the *polls*.



You sure you spelled that right?




Keeper63 said:


> Once she comes, she practically demands PIV, and like many women,...ll
> 
> I would love to go down on her with no expectation of reciprocation, but she just doesn't go for that very often, even though that would be a step in the right direction towards orgasm equity. Therefore, I think in my situation, encounter equity is the only option that makes sense.


This is the difficulty with unreciprocated oral on women like your wife and I, and Sam's wife: it doesn't *feel* done until PIV. The encounter Sam describes below is one that clearly describes an inequality of effort and pleasure for that particular encounter.



samyeagar said:


> This gets to the heart of what I have said about encounter equity. My wife is the same way, and so is Anon. They need that erection inside them. I want equity.


Sam has given all his effort to ensure her complete satisfaction, honored her request at the cost to his pleasure and though he got his orgasm it left him feeling less than completely satisfied. 

I think Sam was left feeling how a woman might feel after a NSA BJ even if she orgasms through other means during that encounter.

Uh oh, do I detect the first married quarrel coming on?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Are you getting equity? And if not, why? I'm not sure I understand what this post was saying.


I do feel as if I have equity. I was addressing the fact that some women feel the need, craving, demand to have the penis inside her after her orgasm, and how that drive can lead to an encounter that is more about her than him.

Equity doesn't have to be achieved through orgasm count or stand alone blow jobs for him, or stand alone oral for her. Equity does't necessarily happen in a mutual encounter even when both orgasm.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> You sure you spelled that right?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nah...no quarrel 

This has been somewhat of a learning curve for my wife, and I suspect it is something that many women don't really consider. She just figured that the guy getting off was good enough for him, because that's ultimately what they are after...right?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Nah...no quarrel
> 
> This has been somewhat of a learning curve for my wife, and I suspect it is something that many women don't really consider. She just figured that the guy getting off was good enough for him, because that's ultimately what they are after...right?


Exactly! Before this thread :showing my selfishness here: I knew the make orgasm could be run the range on intensity and pleasure, but it never had meaning and I never equated the male range of intensity and pleasure with the female range.

That is why these kinds of discussions are invaluable to married couples.

Sam, I'm guessing your wife probably has the same lack of understanding.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wait Anon...are you saying that you didn't know that a male orgasm had any range to it? You thought it didn't have the same variety of intensity that a woman's does?

Girl. You needs more edjumuhcashun.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, I did know on an intellectual level but I didn't personalize it. Keep in mind who I've been having sex with. I'll say, "That was awesome! God that was just great!" Followed by his smile and a hearty nod... 

How would I know he felt differently during one encounter over another? How would any partner know without feedback?


----------



## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wait Anon...are you saying that you didn't know that a male orgasm had any range to it? You thought it didn't have the same variety of intensity that a woman's does?
> 
> Girl. You needs more edjumuhcashun.


Did you mean ejacumacation?


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Here is the thing, in terms of quantity, we will never achieve orgasm equity. For the past several years, the ratio has been something like five of hers for every one of mine, and unless I get a sex change, or discover some sort of drug that allows me to cvm 5 or 6 times in a session, that isn't going to change.

However, the line of discussion here seems to be more about the choice of how we want to orgasm, or by what means we achieve them. In our sexual relationship, my wife generally gets to choose how she wants to orgasm, and I generally oblige her wishes. She can also control how many she has (within reason) once she has had the first one. She can instruct me to do it a certain way, or for a certain time.

I generally don't get to choose how I orgasm, unless she is giving me oral because I asked for it. I will say the most intense orgasms I have had were a result of me choosing how I was going to cvm. I wish I had as much control over how I orgasm as my wife does.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anon, did you understand that other men have a wide range of variety and intensity of O's? And just felt that yours had only one level? I understand your point about no feedback, but did you think he was different among men, or did you think most men lacked an intensity range?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I didn't give it much thought actually. But I guess my rudimentary understanding was that some men had a range of intensity sometimes. Assumed H's orgasm intensity range was similar to his emotional range; scale from 1-10 his range went from 3.7 to 5.2.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Girl...I'm ashamed of you. (kidding)

But thank god you are learning now!! Give guys the full credit they deserve!

OMG...the levels of intensity ALL of us are capable of are so deep. It is true you can turn it down or simply not acknowledge the intensity and just "enjoy" it. But ALL of us are capable of expanding our range of intensity, and some of us are naturally high and low intensity people.

I can see how if someone (not you, just anyone) has a partner who doesn't talk about sex or intensity or is totally closed off within themselves, then you (anyone) might assume that the opposite sex just doesn't have that much range. I think men who have only been with one woman who isn't very expressive of her experiences might assume women just don't get off very intensely, for instance. And sadly, some people don't even care to notice if their partner or the opposite sex at large have good sexual experience...and some don't care if they do themselves, either.

But in YOUR case...tsk tsk.....don't you know about tantra stuff and other methods for expanding our intensity and kundalini and that stuff? Of course men have a huge available range.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

thumbper said:


> You da man WOM, lookin out for your fellow man...working the poles like a true team player!





WorkingOnMe said:


> For the record, I only work the polls.



:rofl:

Now *that* was funny.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Girl...I'm ashamed of you. (kidding)
> 
> But thank god you are learning now!! Give guys the full credit they deserve!
> 
> ...


Yeah, this has been one of those "well duh" kind of insights! As I recall our sex over the last many years, it's only been recently like maybe 2-3 years where it was apparent when it was super intense for him. At the same time it's also hard to see through my own cloud of euphoria. And now that I'm trying hard to remember those times where it was a clear super intense orgasm for him, those were times where either we both were really rocking it or I was doing something special for him, mostly it was both of us really tearing up the sheets.

Hmmm. I really have to pay more attention from now on!


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

You absolutely do need the feedback though. I *know* my SO has a range of intensity but all I can ever get out of him are non-committal, "It's all good" or "it can't be earth shattering every time."

Well maybe it could, if you'd but give me that feedback.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some people really can't seem to (or want to?) verbally express their sexual feelings, thoughts, and triumphs. Some can't (or won't?) even talk about them long after the event. 

This is a huge impediment to good sexual communication. Although it doesn't always mean anything deep, it many times just means no lover has insisted to them that they express themselves.


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## Tentative (Oct 5, 2014)

Just wanted to add my two cents - I'm partner A, and I'm very happy about that. Partner B does a WORLD CLASS job of keeping partner A happy and has for many years now.

That said, sometimes having multiple orgasms is exhausting. Sometimes I don't want marathon sex sessions. Sometimes quickies are great whether partner A made it to the moon or not. I have no problem with Orgasm Equity in theory, but keeping a running tally and trying to enforce it? Well, in my particular case partner B would not be gettin' any if he tried to enforce it.

Unfortunately I tend to have the opposite problem - partner B thinks that I didn't enjoy it enough if there weren't 4 or 5 highlights. Partner B thinks anything less than 30 minutes is just a warm-up. And partner B would feel hurt if I said "Hey, one's enough, I'm tired lets go watch TV" 

Oh to be burdened with such a problem...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tentative said:


> Oh to be burdened with such a problem...


Yeah, life f*cks sometimes!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I do realize that this is a relatively recent shift in focus, and was certainly not even close to this in the past, but there has been a lot of focus recently on female orgasm and pleasure. Men are inundated with information about how to make and keep their woman happy in bed, from the mental to the physical. Granted, there are plenty of men, for what ever reason, who choose not to listen to that, but the information is there. The same focus is largely missing when it comes to male sexuality.

I think this is partly due to old stereotypes that haven't gone away yet...men are always horny and hard with a change in breeze, they will sleep with anything, take what ever they can get...and the biggie...women are the sexual gatekeepers and the saying "Getting lucky." 

Think about the implications of that simple phrase, "Getting lucky." Yes, some women apply it to women, but it is largely a phrase associated with men having sex with a woman...he is the one who got lucky. On a subconscious level, that tells a man that he should just be happy getting sex at all, and it tells the woman the same thing...that the man should be happy with what ever he gets. That leads a man to settle, and leads a woman to not worry about it, because after all, he is getting to have sex with her...that ought to be good enough for him right?


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I do realize that this is a relatively recent shift in focus, and was certainly not even close to this in the past, but there has been a lot of focus recently on female orgasm and pleasure. Men are inundated with information about how to make and keep their woman happy in bed, from the mental to the physical. Granted, there are plenty of men, for what ever reason, who choose not to listen to that, but the information is there. The same focus is largely missing when it comes to male sexuality.
> 
> I think this is partly due to old stereotypes that haven't gone away yet...men are always horny and hard with a change in breeze, they will sleep with anything, take what ever they can get...and the biggie...women are the sexual gatekeepers and the saying "Getting lucky."
> 
> Think about the implications of that simple phrase, "Getting lucky." Yes, some women apply it to women, but it is largely a phrase associated with men having sex with a woman...he is the one who got lucky. On a subconscious level, that tells a man that he should just be happy getting sex at all, and it tells the woman the same thing...that the man should be happy with what ever he gets. That leads a man to settle, and leads a woman to not worry about it, because after all, he is getting to have sex with her...that ought to be good enough for him right?


:allhail:

100%.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Agreed, Sam.

None of my personal experience matched up with the world-view of men and women and sexuality I was given as I was coming into adulthood. I was far more sexual than any men I ever ended up with (except my current husband). And I met (and continue to meet) many women who were more sexual than the men they are with, so I knew I was not the only one with this issue. Then there is the fact that the men I was sexually involved with were not just "simple" and "f*ck them and give them a sandwich" types. Although they were not as sexual as I am, they also were not sexual duds with only one boring way of getting off. Nor were they indiscriminate or would "do anyone". 

So since none of those popular myths were true from what I could see, I have been an advocate of better education for many years. 

Some women are highly sexual.

Some men are not very sexual.

Not all women are the same. Not all men are the same. Neither men nor women are sexually "easy", in my experience. Individuals vary so much that when you are talking about a person, it is best not to assume anything.

Even something as simple as "all men love boobs" isn't actually true. Some women (even straight women) are far more into boobs than some men are.

Sexual stereotypes are, thankfully, quickly changing.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife and I tried something a bit different last night...she got her fingered O's, then I got a fantastic bj to completion, and after finishing me, on the spur of the moment, she decided to hop on, and I did indeed stay hard enough long enough for her to get her PIV O's  Oh, and just for good measure, I threw in some oral one's for her too afterwards.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> My wife and I tried something a bit different last night...she got her fingered O's, then I got a fantastic bj to completion, and after finishing me, on the spur of the moment, she decided to hop on, and I did indeed stay hard enough long enough for her to get her PIV O's  Oh, and just for good measure, I threw in some oral one's for her too afterwards.


You're just here to brag, aren't you?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

You do know how much those of us in HD/LD relationships hate you....




samyeagar said:


> My wife and I tried something a bit different last night...she got her fingered O's, then I got a fantastic bj to completion, and after finishing me, on the spur of the moment, she decided to hop on, and I did indeed stay hard enough long enough for her to get her PIV O's  Oh, and just for good measure, I threw in some oral one's for her too afterwards.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Orgasm equality is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

But it damn sure could be potentially a lot of fun trying to even the score!

I'm not saying this to brag (well, not too much  ), but I have a wife who has no problem giving me BJs to completion without the expectation of any reciprocal act. This isn't purely selfless though, as she gets off giving BJs and sometimes orgasms just from the act alone.

However no matter how willing she is, a sex act seldom feels complete if she doesn't get off at least once. And the more, the merrier.

I'm perfectly capable of going for another one for myself, but it's almost never necessary.

If a guy is satisfied and getting an O, I would think being able to help her get multiple Os would be, in and of itself, satisfaction enough. It's a huge turn on and an ego booster. It's baffling to me that any man would feel like they being short shrifted because a woman can have more Os than he can. That's called basic biology for most people; multi-orgasming women are just vastly more numerous than their male counterparts.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Since this thread has been resurrected I just wanted to say two things.

1. This thread is funny as hell!

2. I still have not been gifted with the Lelo yet the NSA BJ allotment has improved.

Ahem thumbper!





GettingIt said:


> ELISE 2 | The Large-sized Vibrator with Double Motors | LELO
> 
> Ah, I love that Web site . . . but as Nora points out, Amazon is probably cheaper. My husband said that he called and talked to Lelo rep a few times when he was deciding what to get, and noted they do have great customer service. I bet anyone who works for Lelo is all blissed out!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Since this thread has been resurrected I just wanted to say two things.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Duuuuude....


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

As someone who is a "partner B" here's my take:
Dh would probably prefer about 4 orgasms per encounter. I'm not really capable of more than 1. I'd like a chance to lie back and relax and cuddle after we both come. Instead, Dh is right back up needing more. Sometimes it's fun and I'm happy to start again. Other times I'm tired. Sometimes it feels, after the first mutual orgasm, that dh is being selfish and isn't much concerned with my enjoyment/pleasure. I don't keep a running tally, but I feel that2 orgasms for him is usually ok, but 3 or 4 (unreciprocated) makes me a little resentful.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

PenguinCat said:


> As someone who is a "partner B" here's my take:
> Dh would probably prefer about 4 orgasms per encounter. I'm not really capable of more than 1. I'd like a chance to lie back and relax and cuddle after we both come. Instead, Dh is right back up needing more. Sometimes it's fun and I'm happy to start again. Other times I'm tired. Sometimes it feels, after the first mutual orgasm, that dh is being selfish and isn't much concerned with my enjoyment/pleasure. I don't keep a running tally, but I feel that2 orgasms for him is usually ok, but 3 or 4 (unreciprocated) makes me a little resentful.


It would make me a LOT resentful.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

PenguinCat said:


> As someone who is a "partner B" here's my take:
> Dh would probably prefer about 4 orgasms per encounter. I'm not really capable of more than 1. I'd like a chance to lie back and relax and cuddle after we both come. Instead, Dh is right back up needing more. Sometimes it's fun and I'm happy to start again. Other times I'm tired. Sometimes it feels, after the first mutual orgasm, that dh is being selfish and isn't much concerned with my enjoyment/pleasure. I don't keep a running tally, but I feel that2 orgasms for him is usually ok, but 3 or 4 (unreciprocated) makes me a little resentful.


Ditto what Nora said. 

Girl, I think a lot of women, particularly those of us with a high sex drive might think you've won the lottery! So your man can go again and again and again? That's kind of rare..you know? Exactly how long does it take for him to get his 3-4 ejaculations?


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