# Am I being unreasonable?



## curious01 (Feb 12, 2012)

My husband has a friend who had a brain tumor removed and he wanted to go to the hospital to visit him. He wanted to leave work early to go down instead of waiting until the weekend to go. I told him that it was ridiculous to leave work early to go down whenever he isn’t even family especially whenever he wouldn't leave work early to go see his grandpa whenever he was pretty much on his death bed in the hospital plus on top of everything else he had an uncle who had a massive stroke and he isn’t mentioning anything about him and acting like he doesn’t even care. I even have some family issues that are happening that I have tried to talk to him about and all I get is the “deer in headlights” look and no response. I understand that he is concerned for his friend, but to me that shows where his priorities lie. I was always raised that family is first. If he wants to see his friend that is fine, but you do not need to put your job on hold to go visit whenever you can go on the weekend. 
I'm not a monster, I hope his friend is okay but he turns it around to the fact that I don't like his friends and I don't want him to have any friends. I don't feel like I should have to spend every waking minute worrying about his friend whenever that friend treats me like I'm invisible anytime I am around him. He didn't give us anything for our wedding (I'm okay with that), If we are at the same place he won't look at me or speak to me, and he is always asking my husband to go places but I am never invited whenever other wives/girlfriends are invited. I have tried to be nice and the “good” wife, but if he wants me to respect his friends then I should be entitled to the same respect. Am I being unreasonable?


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

where is down there? would he be gone for days or hours? you made a point to mention to your H what you didn't agree with. that's all you can control. Your H will do what he wants despite what you think....he seems to have a loyalty to this friend in the hospital. It's visible when he allows this same friend to ignore you or disregard you and treat you like you don't exist. the question is why? why is he more loyal to his friend then to you? what has he shared with his buddy that causes this buddy to treat you the way he does? there is much to be discovered...


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## curious01 (Feb 12, 2012)

The hospital is 2 hours away and with the visiting hours they have he would drive 2 hours to spend 45 minutes to 1 hour and then drive 2 hours back. I'm not really sure what he has shared with his friend. He didn't even really hang out with him that much since we've been together until my husband started playing disc golf. 

Its not just this friend who treats me like that. He has several other friends who treat me like I don't exisit and its mostly because I "stole" him from them. A lot of his friends you can't rely on and my husband is only good enough whenever they want something. They won't be there for him whenever he needs them, but he won't open his eyes to see that (we've had several fights about this as well). A lot of my feelings have come from the fact that the entire time we dated, I never really was his "priority" I was constantly being blown off so he could be with his friends but since we got married he has been trying to balance everything, but he always manages to put his friends before me and family. I just feel like he needs to get his priorities in order especially if we are going to start a family. 

I don't know...I just am having a hard time understanding how you can put so much effort into going to visit a friend, but you are not willing to put that much effort into visiting your grandpa who basically helped your mother raise you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

curious01 said:


> My husband has a friend who had a brain tumor removed and he wanted to go to the hospital to visit him. He wanted to leave work early to go down instead of waiting until the weekend to go. I told him that it was ridiculous to leave work early to go down whenever he isn’t even family especially whenever he wouldn't leave work early to go see his grandpa whenever he was pretty much on his death bed in the hospital plus on top of everything else he had an uncle who had a massive stroke and he isn’t mentioning anything about him and acting like he doesn’t even care. I even have some family issues that are happening that I have tried to talk to him about and all I get is the “deer in headlights” look and no response. I understand that he is concerned for his friend, but to me that shows where his priorities lie. I was always raised that family is first. If he wants to see his friend that is fine, but you do not need to put your job on hold to go visit whenever you can go on the weekend.
> I'm not a monster, I hope his friend is okay but he turns it around to the fact that I don't like his friends and I don't want him to have any friends. I don't feel like I should have to spend every waking minute worrying about his friend whenever that friend treats me like I'm invisible anytime I am around him. He didn't give us anything for our wedding (I'm okay with that), If we are at the same place he won't look at me or speak to me, and he is always asking my husband to go places but I am never invited whenever other wives/girlfriends are invited. I have tried to be nice and the “good” wife, but if he wants me to respect his friends then I should be entitled to the same respect. Am I being unreasonable?


Your post started off talking about 1 topic and then morphed into something completely different.

Are you being unreasonable about your Husband taking time off from work to go see his friend in the hospital after he had a brain tumor removed.....Yes. When you look at the ONE component.

The problem is this is greater than the ONE component. You need to address all of your issues individually on their own merit. Your resentment over other issues is bleeding into this one.


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## pepsi1967 (Aug 15, 2013)

A lot of my feelings have come from the fact that the entire time we dated, I never really was his "priority" I was constantly being blown off so he could be with his friends but since we got married he has been trying to balance everything, but he always manages to put his friends before me and family. I just feel like he needs to get his priorities in order especially if we are going to start a family.

....you hit the nail on the head, he was showing you his true colors way before the marriage. unfortunately we tend to close our eyes to some issues that need to be dealt with before the "I do's". Problems such as finances, religion, child rearing, sex, communication etc....
The problem here is how does it get resolved? as you state in your quote, HE needs to get his priorities in order; HE has to want to. You have already voiced your want. You also said , he is trying to balance everything, with plans of starting a family, I think your patience is running thin, he is working at his own pace, he may never catch up with yours....good luck.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

curious01 said:


> He didn't give us anything for our wedding (I'm okay with that),


If you were "okay" with that, you wouldn't have even brought it up. 



curious01 said:


> I was always raised that family is first.


YOU were raised that family is first, maybe his views are different. Also, maybe his definition of family is not a biological blood tie, but how you feel about someone. I know that is how it is for me. I have biological "sisters" that I could not care less about, but people with no blood ties that mean the world to me.

You may not be a monster, but you sound like a cold be-otch. The man just had a brain tumor removed!! If you were in the hospital after a major surgery, would you like to think that you were worth missing a few hours of work? Or would you be content to lay in your hospital bed waiting around a few days for someone to have "free time"? 

IMHO, yes, you are being completely unreasonable.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, after reading both your posts, no, I don't think you are being unreasonable, per say. But let's look at all the facts.

1. YOU KNEW your husband had one-way friends before you were married.
2. YOU KNEW your husband put his friends before you before you were married.
3. HE KNEW his friends ignored you before you were married.

One of the biggest mistakes young people make is thinking things will be different after they marry. Well, things don't change. People are who they are.

You also say your husband is working on this issue, but just the fact that this is what your post is about shows he really isn't.

Take a good look at your marriage. It is what it is. If you stay, it will not change. If you have kids, it will not change. Think very carefully about bringing kids into a marriage that is not a healthy one. Kids are great, as long as the marriage is great to begin with. If the marriage has problems, like this one, kids will only enhance those problems.

Good luck.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Yeah I pretty much second everything else people said.

My experience with this had a strange twist, in that my stbxh didn't really have the friends he claimed to have. He was almost lying about the relationships he built. BUT he would also accuse me of taking him away from his "friends" when they were not calling him for 6 months + or whatever.

It is possible he is feeling guilty for not being there for his friend or family while they were ill (you mention a few health issues).

I don't think you should make a big deal out of him going to the hospital, but when there is a calm time to talk discuss this friend stuff with him...
BTW I don't think that your relationship is doomed. Depending on how old you are things may change, I know plenty of men who hit their 30's and slowed down.

When he got married he formed a FAMILY with you, that is his #1 priority. Sadly if you are having to sit down and have these conversations over and over again... it may not work for you guys in the long run.
Do not bring out petty things- only about the IMPORTANT ones.. so if he is TRYING to include you but it's imperfect - commend him for doing it (if you guys get to this point)
If he is NOT changing or including you I would really suggest sitting down formally and deciding if this is worth it.

Love can QUICKLY turn into resentment over things like this. He should be showing you off and introducing you to everyone. What will he do in 20 years?


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

I would not have a problem with it. It sounds more like you have a problem with the friend/friendship than the work/family/priorities. I would be OK with my husband visiting. If that is what he feels he needs to do, then that is OK. A brain tumor is a big deal.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

curious01 said:


> My husband has a friend who had a brain tumor removed and he wanted to go to the hospital to visit him. He wanted to leave work early to go down instead of waiting until the weekend to go. I told him that it was ridiculous to leave work early to go down whenever he isn’t even family especially whenever he wouldn't leave work early to go see his grandpa whenever he was pretty much on his death bed in the hospital plus on top of everything else he had an uncle who had a massive stroke and he isn’t mentioning anything about him and acting like he doesn’t even care. I even have some family issues that are happening that I have tried to talk to him about and all I get is the “deer in headlights” look and no response. I understand that he is concerned for his friend, but to me that shows where his priorities lie. I was always raised that family is first. If he wants to see his friend that is fine, but you do not need to put your job on hold to go visit whenever you can go on the weekend.
> I'm not a monster, I hope his friend is okay but he turns it around to the fact that I don't like his friends and I don't want him to have any friends. I don't feel like I should have to spend every waking minute worrying about his friend whenever that friend treats me like I'm invisible anytime I am around him. He didn't give us anything for our wedding (I'm okay with that), If we are at the same place he won't look at me or speak to me, and he is always asking my husband to go places but I am never invited whenever other wives/girlfriends are invited. I have tried to be nice and the “good” wife, but if he wants me to respect his friends then I should be entitled to the same respect. Am I being unreasonable?


I think you are being petty and unreasonable. His friend is having a tumor removed. It's a big deal. As far as your comment about family comes first, well just because people are family it doesn't automatically make them number 1. My paternal grandmother treated my mom like dirt and refused to even see us or watch my brother and I when my dad abandoned my mom in another city to be with another woman. My grandmother died a few years ago and I could have not cared less for her passing and when one of my counsins confronted me saying that the eldest grandson should have attended the funeral I told him to his face that she was a cold evil woman that never cared for anybody. I don't hate her but I wasn't going to spend a dime flying and driving for a person who had nothing but contemp for my mom, brother and I.


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## Jennifer871 (Oct 26, 2013)

curious01 said:


> *The hospital is 2 hours away and with the visiting hours they have he would drive 2 hours to spend 45 minutes to 1 hour and then drive 2 hours back.* I'm not really sure what he has shared with his friend. He didn't even really hang out with him that much since we've been together until my husband started playing disc golf.
> 
> Its not just this friend who treats me like that. He has several other friends who treat me like I don't exisit and its mostly because I "stole" him from them. A lot of his friends you can't rely on and my husband is only good enough whenever they want something. They won't be there for him whenever he needs them, but he won't open his eyes to see that (we've had several fights about this as well). A lot of my feelings have come from the fact that the entire time we dated, I never really was his "priority" I was constantly being blown off so he could be with his friends but since we got married he has been trying to balance everything, but he always manages to put his friends before me and family. I just feel like he needs to get his priorities in order especially if we are going to start a family.
> 
> I don't know...I just am having a hard time understanding how you can put so much effort into going to visit a friend, but you are not willing to put that much effort into visiting your grandpa who basically helped your mother raise you.


I think there are a lot of issues going on here but wanted to ask about the bolded part. You said "they". Does he have the opportunity to have company for the drive/visit only if he leaves work early? If thats when other people were going I would want to go too.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm not as close to some of my family members as I am some friends so I understand that his friend who just had MAJOR surgery for a life-threatening issue might be more important to him than an Uncle. 

Maybe you need to be welcoming to his friends. Make them WANT to invite you when they invite the other wives. Part of being married is integrating your lives and that can be tough. But extend the olive branch. Visit the friend with him. Invite the guys and wives over some time. Be friendly and affable. No need to compete over H's time. 

You guys are new to this - why did you marry someone that didn't make you a priority? And now you expect that to change. You both have some work to do.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Meh. My mother was hospitalized and I didn't even find out for a few days. By then she was too busy being a non compliant patient and I couldn't even convince her to put the doctor on the phone so I could understand just how low her blood count really was. We have an awkward relationship to say the least.

Now, my bestie, if she was having brain surgery, I'd drop EVERYTHING. She is my family. She has been there since before my husband and after he left. I would, not only be there, but watch the kids, make sure all their curls were tamed before they got to mommy's hospital room too. I may or may not bring my spawn, depending on how much more stressful it would be for her (though she would invite them anyway). 

He may simply not be as close to his family and those priorities are ok. However, the fact that he deprioritizes you is an issue that needs addressed. Not sure how to fix that though. Hopefully someone has some ideas.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiance has such a collection half siblings and step nieces and nephews and an alcoholic father....... that I take my cue from him as to how to deal with his family. 

I felt bad to see that a half sister congratulated us on FB, asked to be friended and when I asked him what he thought of it, his voice trailed off........ ok, I am selfish enough that I don't want to inherit other people's problems. 

so there are times when friends can be more valuable than family. there is one family friend that I can think of that I treat better than any of my first cousins and would more likely drop everything to help her than some of my blood relatives.

OP, however, I do understand what you mean by your husband having friends who are dismissive of you. It seemed to me that during our courtship (with my first husband) his friends were really nice to me. then when I was married and stuck over here, the knives came out.

Perhaps you need to accept that some family can be toxic. And some friends can be so reliable and loyal, that they are damn near family.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Your question "am I being unreasonable" is a matter of opinion. 
Unreasonable in your opinion- no. In your H's- maybe.

It looks like you have different beliefs on family. That's ok. Your belief is yours, his is his. Neither are right or wrong. Just have to learn how to handle it.

Maybe instead of thinking he's putting his friend first, consider that he doesn't want to take the time away from you on the weekend to go see his friend whom you are not close with so.

As far as the friend/family loyalty, well that's tough but sometimes our friends are more like our family than our actual family. 

If I were you I'd apologize to my H and simply support him going to see his friend. For what it's worth, we lost a friend to a brain injury 3 years ago. At the time we took turns going to see him 4-5 days a week for 4 months. We only had a 20 min drive but it still took at least 2-3 hrs each time depending on how long we stayed. To this day, we don't regret it and to this day I feel the pain of losing our friend. 

We don't get to pick our family but we do get to pick our friends, how would you feel if it was your friend and your H felt the same way about you going?

Good luck and I hope your H's friend is ok.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

I think its unreasonable, yes.

If you consider that its more productive to support and encourage desirable and admirable traits, and discourage negative traits. Most people would consider it a good character to go see your buddy in the hospital with such a serious condition...willingness to set your own life & problems aside to be there for them.

To smack someone down for doing the right thing now, because they did (what you thought to be) a wrong thing before, seems to me to send the wrong message.

Support and encouragement. jmo


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think it's unreasonable of you to think it's your place to decide whether your husband's choice in this case is exactly proportional to his friendship with the guy, or whatever. It's not like he's going to be away for a week -- this is a few hours away from his job and maybe a couple extra hours away from home, and it's what he feels he wants to do in this case. It's not your job or place to determine "x hours is appropriate for grandpa, y hours is appropriate for friend"

I agree with other posters that this probably is more about your broader problems with what you see as his priorities.


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