# My man is preparing himself to give me the 'truth'...I think.



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

A bit of background. 

With my man 3 years and 3 months. Fell totally in love with him, cheating aside he is my perfect man. Very helpful, loving, funny, he deals perfectly with my feisty nature and I with his, and our sex life is magnificent. We get along brilliantly. He is my totally ideal man in every way....except that. 

When we met he had not long been split from his 5 year relationship, she was seeing someone else and he dumped her. At least that was what he said. I found out later that she actually left him for this other man. But this lie was what made me give him the benefit of the doubt about his not cheating on me when I felt he was. That he dumped her due to her cheating. And he 'couldn't stand her'. That and the loving, though the love was hot and cold. In fact it was obvious he was cheating. But I was uneducated. I wish I had come here right at the beginning. 

So, I finally threaten him with end of us and he comes clean. Kind of. That was a year and half in to our relationship and completely and utterly devastating. He had cheated with her 4 times over the 1st 9 months of our relationship.

He kept much stuff from me which became clear from his inability to talk with me about it all and all the things that did not add up. I have finished with him many times over it but keep going back due to the reasons above. I have had a bit of TT but never the whole truth. The level of compatibility is high. I don't think I would ever find anyone else who I love to be with and who I get along with as much as he and I. Another reason I keep going back. And he loves me. Does so much for me, loves to be with me, puts up with my stressful household and unruly children. Helps me with them. Cooks, cleans, makes me laugh all the time. We have a brilliant time together.

So, I have chipped away at him, begged and pleaded, so to speak (not literally), for the truth. He is very reluctant. He has always maintained in a wishy washy way that he has given me all. I have never believed it. The other night he finally admitted that there is more but he is worried that even once he gives me all of it he still won't be believed. I have said that it won't really matter as he is not believed right now. I will just have a bit more hurt to deal with that should have been done and dusted by now. And that if he is being truthful I will know. If he is not, I will also know. And I have told him that unless he is prepared to give me 100% then really he shouldn't give it me at all. I think we will be speaking tonight. Any advice please? 

I would rather hear something constructive, I know I should just leave him, I know that he shouldn't be blindly believed. But does anyone have any insight or experience or advice?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

_"When we met he had not long been split from his 5 year relationship, she was ..." _
Was "she" his wife and therefore you are OW?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I put in my post that when we met he told me he had dumped her because she had been seeing someone else. But in actual fact that was a lie. She had dumped him for another man. As I wrote, they had not long been split. Therefore, when I met him, they were split up. I was never the OW. I hope this doesn't sound too sarcastic, apologies if it does. 

The fact they had not been split long worried me, but the fact that he had dumped her gave me some reassurance. The fact she had cheated on him and he 'couldn't stand her' also reassured me. Very naive of me I know. And also it was all lies. She dumped him for another man she had been seeing behind his back and he was gutted. If only I had been more clued up and more aware and more experienced in these matters. Would have saved me a lot of heartache.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Still hoping for some advice. We haven't chatted yet. Maybe people only have the obvious?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just let him talk. See what he comes up with and then decide if you are satisfied.
Give him the space to open up to you and really listen without too many interruptions.
Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I don't want to seem mean but what can anyone say? You have already said that you don't believe him but you are staying with him anyway. And you even told him that if it isn't the full truth he may as well not say anything. Talk about a free pass! So there really isn't anything to say. He tells the truth and you stay. He lies and you stay. He gives a partial truth and you stay. There isn't much more to advise since you seem to be intent on staying with him no matter what.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Polygraph


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This is how my wife eventually began to tell me although she knew the game was up so had to come up with something.

Advice?

Prepare yourself for a lot of pain. If it doesn't sound like the truth it probably isn't. It might take weeks to get The Truth too.

My real advice? Dump him. He isn't the "right man for you" if he is cheating. Assuming you have no children you will have had a lucky escape. This whole thing is only going one way.

Either:

- Accept that he will cheat and "turn a blind eye" (have you seen "The Sopranos"?)

- Get rid of him as you will eventually end up hating yourselves - he for what he is doing to you and you for allowing him to do it.

Good luck and please update us if you find more information.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Cheating aside he is your perfect man? I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous. You are purposefully ignoring an important character trait in order to justify your fantasy version of him. It's like saying: "yes, he molested some kids, but he is such a great cook."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> Cheating aside he is your perfect man? I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous. *You are purposefully ignoring an important character trait in order to justify your fantasy version of him. It's like saying: "yes, he molested some kids, but he is such a great cook."*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

A "perfect" man wouldn't cheat on you...repeatedly. 

And no one is perfect, btw, for anyone. Everyone has flaws. But I think it would be best if you chose someone who didn't have the "cheater" flaw!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Polygraph, yes, he suggested it. Whether he means it though we shall see. Or not. Dependant on if I can be arsed to push it I guess. If we stay together I will be. If not, I won't. He has already handed me £75 towards it. Though nothing since Christmas. But then, his lodgers moved out and so he does not have the cash right now.

He cheated I believe due to still being in love with his ex, though I did not realise this at the time. That he was cheating, or still in love with her. He said he slept with her 4 times, which was in the 1st 9 months of our relationship. I almost believe this. He has been loving and dedicated to me for a long time now. He gives, loves, and does much for me. Very loving. Very focussed on me. He does not continue to cheat. I do know that. He also puts up with a lot to be with me which is another indication he loves me. A big indication. My family life is very very difficult due massively to my ex, father of my kids, and he could have easily walked away. If there was no love, he would have walked away. Even if there was love, many men would have walked away by now. I know there is love. He also spends every bit of spare time with me (apart from meeting a friend for a few pints, which is verified), therefore is not out looking to cheat. He has been honest about much if not all recently. Things he did not have to be. I know he took time to get over his ex (which I didn't realise at the time. Obviously I hope). What I am asking is, does anyone have experience in this? That someone can finally give their all? After so long of not?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My wife is giving her all after 20 years of not doing.

It's not enough for me, but I know it's possible because I have seen and am seeing it with my own eyes.

People can change and they can see that they have done and been wrong.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thank you Chris. A most balanced advice giver. 

I am sorry to hear you are going through this after 20 years. I guess it hurts all he more! That is a long time to be with someone and only just finding out the truth.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Remains said:


> Thank you Chris. A most balanced advice giver.
> 
> I am sorry to hear you are going through this after 20 years. I guess it hurts all he more! That is a long time to be with someone and only just finding out the truth.


Well it's pretty rubbish for sure


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> *Cheating aside he is your perfect man? I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous. *You are purposefully ignoring an important character trait in order to justify your fantasy version of him. It's like saying: "yes, he molested some kids, but he is such a great cook."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. It is not ridiculous. It is the reality that Remains lives with. It is her life.

I was in exactly the same position as Remains is with her husband with my wife, so I know *exactly *where she is coming from.

Ughh. Even more so than I thought. My wife had her affair with an ex lover.

And we are still together 15/16 years later, so... anything is possible.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thank you MattMatt. Good response. I guess there is also a big chunk of people on here going through R and still with their 'perfect' partner. Don't want a life without them. WPartner wants to be different, B wants to give W a chance to prove. 

And I suppose number sixxxx, that important character trait would probably paint 95% of the western world's population with a brush named Cheater and damn them all the hell. I am not ignoring his character trait. I am fully aware of it. And if I thought he was a continual cheater, I would be gone.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I don't want to seem mean but what can anyone say? You have already said that you don't believe him but you are staying with him anyway. And you even told him that if it isn't the full truth he may as well not say anything. Talk about a free pass! So there really isn't anything to say. He tells the truth and you stay. He lies and you stay. He gives a partial truth and you stay.


I am not staying with him 'anyway'. I have split with him many yes due to this issue. I keep going back due to missing the most perfect for me man I ever met. And because it was all in the past.

Telling him not to bother unless he gives me 100% isn't a free pass. It is a 'dont bother to hurt me with it unless you give me all of it'. Get it all out the way and let us move on from the lies that are crippling us. I don't want to deal with it any longer. And I don't want to hear any of it unless it is all of it.

And no, I won't be staying with the lies. If he partial lies etc. I won't be. They chip away at me, I tell him this. He is aware this won't last forever.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> No. It is not ridiculous. It is the reality that Remains lives with. It is her life.
> 
> I was in exactly the same position as Remains is with her husband with my wife, so I know *exactly *where she is coming from.
> 
> ...


I might even have said this before, but you're an inspiration MattMatt. Just thought I'd say it out loud as I think it a lot.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I might even have said this before, but you're an inspiration MattMatt. Just thought I'd say it out loud as I think it a lot.


Thank you, Chris. I draw inspiration from your posts, too.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So, we spoke. Eventually. 

His responses over the last couple of weeks, I haven't brought 'it' up but I have spoken about honesty, closeness, our relationship, relationships in general, how him not giving me all of it is crippling us. His responses have NOT been to say 'But I am giving you all the truth'. His responses have been 'But I am worried that with all the truth I still won't be believed'. I have taken from the lack of explicitness, (and I have been very careful with my wording so as not to say 'your lies...; you lying....', not being accusatory, so that I can gauge a response to the not quite vagueness of it all) and his responses to me saying about the lies, how the lies are crippling us, has basically told me he was practically admitting that there was other things to tell. I would have said it was an admission. And due to that and him not insisting he had given all, I thought he was preparing himself to risk the truth. Last Wednesday or Thursday he then said absolutely not, I have nothing else to tell you, I have told you all. I was devastated. I really thought I was getting somewhere with him.

Friday we were supposed to talk but it all fell apart. I wonder if he did that on purpose to avoid the 'chat'. So I brought it up again yesterday. Sunday. We went out for lunch and a walk. 

He did what he frequently does which is his hands were shaking. And something I have not seen before, as he was telling me certain things, his tiny muscles on his face were doing little twitches. It was weird. 

The other thing he did, when he answered a particular question, his answer of 'there were no more times, I am being truthful' he blinked repeatedly afterwards. 1 a second. Maybe 1-2 seconds. I stayed silent so he could talk, carry on blinking, whatever. He blinked frequently like this for some time. Maybe a full minute.

I don't believe at all that there is nothing else to tell. I have tried to make him feel safe to tell me. I have tried and tried. And now I am no longer going to get in touch with him. I am worn out. I have to stay strong though. But I don't know if I can. What do you think of his responses? I have been very nervous in a 'talk' situation before. I had to confront my father about something. I was physically shaking. But for him to do this time and time again when we get to a certain point? Any insight on this? He is an extremely good liar. And very convincing. He manages to control his defensive behaviour now. Though it still remains defensive. Passively. But this? Anyone think this is a sign of lying? What did your Waywards do when they lied?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This is exactly the behaviour of my WW.

It took 2 months for her to finally start to majorly trickle truth me. 

Only yesterday I figured something out, asked her and she confirmed. Ironically it doesn't matter now anyway.

My WW only started this process when she had spoken with the posom and realised it was over between them(which was after my unwitting intervention).

Good luck, I know this is difficult and painful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the money and get the polygraph done. Most likely, you'll learn 95% of the rest on the WAY to the polygraph; that's usually how it works.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks Chris. Your unwitting intervention?  the accidental 'revenge' is just so much better! I don't do revenge, but when it has happened accidentally it has just been brilliant! 

And turnera, yes, I somewhat agree. My only worry is, and I think this scenario is likely, he will read up on how to beat the lie detector, he probably already has, he will be fully aware of it's inaccuracy, and he will go full steam ahead and try to beat it. He won't care. And if it comes back he is lying? He will rattle off it's inaccuracy statistics. I think keeping his lies under wraps is more important to him than anything. Certainly more important than me. I just need to try and move on. I really struggle though. Have tried to so many times. We have split up more times than I care to remember, never for that long though. But I did nearly move on a few of months ago. Managed last September for a couple of months. Didn't care anymore. Didn't check his emails, his web search history. Didn't worry about who he might be with, not anything. And then I had a bit of an emergency and it was only him I wanted to call upon. I did. And that was it, we were back together. I just need to move on. But I am not sure I can. That sounds so pathetic.

My only defense in my patheticness is that we are so good together. Everyone we know, including his parents and my parents say we are made for each other. And I think that too. Only thing is, I don't want to be made for someone who is lying to me about what he did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, I don't understand why anyone stays with someone they 'split up with more times than I care to remember.'

There ARE more people out there, who won't make your life a living hell. You should be able to look forward to coming home, not wonder what you're coming home to.

Maybe if you would just stay away this time, he'd have his come to Jesus moment and realize that he has to make himself 100% vulnerable and truthful to you. As it is, even if you do get mad, he knows you'll just come back again. Why should he tell the truth and endure more crap, if you're not going anywhere?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I know he loves me very very much. He has endured so much in being with me that if he didn't care or love he would be long gone long ago. And as I have with him also. He doesn't gain anything being with me if there was no love coming my way. No way would he be here if there was no love. I do not let his lies lie. I confront him with them. He doesn't tell me the truth. And we split up. That is why we split so much. 

And I know that 'it' is all in the past, I miss him terribly, I miss him badly, his support, his loving nature, his helpfulness in all I do, his humour in everything he does, and we get back together. Stupid I know. Very stupid. A cycle of self inflicted limbo. 

Last time we split was September for 2 months. I hope this time I can do it longer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, the truth is you'll keep accepting the pain of the bad relationship, until the pain of being WITH him becomes worse than the pain of being WITHOUT him. Of course, by the time you're really fed up with living with a compulsive liar (or whatever his problem is), you'll find you've wasted a good 10 or 20 years of your prime years.

Do you know the #1 excuse abuse victims give for not leaving their abusers? "Because I LOVE him so much."

Love doesn't solve everything.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Dear Remains: 

Your posts are very thoughtful. 

I do believe he is the perfect guy aside from the cheating. Cheaters are not all bad - they do bad things - people must understand this. Now, it doesn't help if you are the one being cheated on - we are too hurt to really get this, however, cheaters can be great dads - horrible partners, but great dads. Cheaters don't have to be physically abusive - there are many physically abusive spouses, both male and female, who do not cheat. Cheaters can be great providers for the family - but then they cheat.

SO - I do believe you - he is a great guy, except he cheats.

Try this: Sit down at the table some Saturday with him, across directly - make it a small table. And with a note pad and pencil or pen - start a time line. From before he met you - what did he do sexually - it will get him to open up. It will start. How many sex partners. What about porn. What about strip clubs, ok? Then the time line continues until today. How many women has he been with and what has he done.

When he stops writing, patiently point to the paper and dates and say, what else. Be very patient and never yell - even afterward. Keep doing this for a few weeks. Make a copy of it, one for you and one for him. Make him continue this until it is finished to your satisfaction - this could be weeks or months. There is something about a cheater writing things out with support of the person he has cheated on, compared to talking.

Give it try. Even tonight. Give it a try. You will not get everything at once - that is asking too much of a cheater. Remember, they live a life of lying to you. So just be patient, suck it up, tell him you can take it, there is nothing he could say that you can't work out together. Sorry, kiddo, but if you want the truth, you must manipulate yourself, your emotions and ultimately, your partner - the great manipulator.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, the truth is you'll keep accepting the pain of the bad relationship, until the pain of being WITH him becomes worse than the pain of being WITHOUT him. Of course, by the time you're really fed up with living with a compulsive liar (or whatever his problem is), you'll find you've wasted a good 10 or 20 years of your prime years.
> 
> Do you know the #1 excuse abuse victims give for not leaving their abusers? "Because I LOVE him so much."
> 
> Love doesn't solve everything.


Yes, I worry about wasting so much time. I have wasted 3 years already. Tho he has given me education and insight. And I now know exactly what I want and need in a man. Only thing is, it will be very difficult finding another who slots with me as perfectly. Maybe even impossible. And I don't ever want to make do. 

And yes, love doesn't solve everything. I know only too well. It is what I keep telling him when he tells me how much he loves me when confronted with the issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he really loved you, he would want to stop hurting you. And he would stop lying. 

Obviously, he loves himself more than he loves you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks for the helpful and thoughtful reply boogie. 

When it all came out he offered to write all down for me. He told me his love story from his very 1st childish encounter to current day. And he wrote me out the story of me and him....and her. The biggest thing that struck me was he stopped being interested due to no love coming back from her (she had dumped him and he fished for nsa with her) and so he blocked her number. Though he didn't have to block it, she never called him! I think, no, I know, that what he wrote missed out an awful lot. 

Though I have not tried it in the way you suggest. That is a good idea. Though I am not hopeful it would work. He is sticking to his guns through thick and thin. If we work on things I will definitely try that though. Right now at this moment in time though, we are not. He is being an arse.

I can only think that the only reason he won't give it all up is because he either is still up to what he says was over a long time ago, or he still wants to be that person and wants no change, or he is still in love with her in some way, or he doesn't feel about me in the way he says he does and the way I feel about him. All those explanations are no good for me. All spell disaster for me. And all say that I am 2nd best. Either to her or to his impulses. 

I have given this man long enough, been patient enough, to be called the biggest fool that walked the planet. I am fool!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> If he really loved you, he would want to stop hurting you. And he would stop lying.
> 
> Obviously, he loves himself more than he loves you.


Yes. I know. I say this with much resignation.  I have said those very words to him many many times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Thanks Chris. Your unwitting intervention?  the accidental 'revenge' is just so much better! I don't do revenge, but when it has happened accidentally it has just been brilliant!
> 
> And turnera, yes, I somewhat agree. My only worry is, and I think this scenario is likely, he will read up on how to beat the lie detector, he probably already has, he will be fully aware of it's inaccuracy, and he will go full steam ahead and try to beat it. He won't care. And if it comes back he is lying? He will rattle off it's inaccuracy statistics. I think keeping his lies under wraps is more important to him than anything. Certainly more important than me. I just need to try and move on. I really struggle though. Have tried to so many times. We have split up more times than I care to remember, never for that long though. But I did nearly move on a few of months ago. Managed last September for a couple of months. Didn't care anymore. Didn't check his emails, his web search history. Didn't worry about who he might be with, not anything. And then I had a bit of an emergency and it was only him I wanted to call upon. I did. And that was it, we were back together. I just need to move on. But I am not sure I can. That sounds so pathetic.
> 
> My only defense in my patheticness is that we are so good together. Everyone we know, including his parents and my parents say we are made for each other. And I think that too. Only thing is, I don't want to be made for someone who is lying to me about what he did.


But you aren't pathetic. You are in love. Just like me with my wife.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Take off the ring and just lay it out. “Marriage” means this to you... it is not what you think he is offering. So; You are dealing with the offer on the table that most closely resembles ‘boyfriend’. You just sort of expect he dresses up only things to manipulate your perceptions of him ‘in the best light’; That includes omitting things that might be judged otherwise. By hiding the worst, it is a false idol. You know it, as does he. He however only knows what is unsaid and hidden. When I dug deep, why it bothered me so very much is that it is a total affront to everything marriage stands for. 

Then just treat the relationship for what it is. You are individuals again... and any obligations, duty or vows went out the window. You simply can not go “all in” with someone you absolutely know puts their self-preservation in front of everything else. Marriage doesn’t look selfish like that. 

Ok, you’ve decided there is a lot to this relationship worth the salvage. Yet... you can’t ‘go all in’ with such huge lies driving you up the wall. So redefine what this relationship is since it is an affront to your ideals of marriage: “companion/partner/boyfriend’... whatever floats your boat. 

For me, marriage is a goal now. Some day, it is possible I’d see her as my wife; She needs to earn it again. She wants more (or actually just wants it back)... I don’t offer it. She knows why.

I kinda felt sad for her the other night. We had a great ‘date day’ of shopping, drinks and food. Anyway, she suckers me into a jewelry store. She wants new rings (I took mine off after DD..) While she steered toward the engagement ring area, I walked right past toward the watches. Pointed out the ones I liked. Ignored her sad looks that rings weren’t a consideration at all or even worth my time to gaze at... I’ll buy a ring when I see and feel “until death do us part” is a ‘good thing’ instead of a depressing sentence.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I appreciate what you say Racer. I am not sure I am strong willed enough or detached enough, or keeping that in the fore of my mind enough to keep it going.

I tried to redefine the relationship a while ago, said we were just casual from here, I want to still see him but not serious as he is not serious. He was just happy we were together. And I couldn't keep him at arm's length as I started loving him deeply again. 

On top of that, if I did treat him as a casual date, he would just treat me the same. It wouldn't kick his ass into gear. He would just be 'you are doing that so I will too. It was you who said we weren't serious'! 

I wish there was something that would make the penny drop, I don't think there is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the bottom line, and it's a psychological one, which means that we ALL do it, there's no escaping it (unless he's a narcissist or some other mental entity): we want what we can't have, we take for granted what we can have. 

He knows you're not going anywhere so he feeds you kibbles, just enough to keep you coming back, without him compromising HIS little world. And it works.

If you were to STAY away this time, and MEAN it...he will learn how to respect you. As my IC says, we teach people how (or whether) to respect us, by what we put up with.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> Here's the bottom line, and it's a psychological one, which means that we ALL do it, there's no escaping it (unless he's a narcissist or some other mental entity): we want what we can't have, we take for granted what we can have.
> 
> He knows you're not going anywhere so he feeds you kibbles, just enough to keep you coming back, without him compromising HIS little world. And it works.
> 
> If you were to STAY away this time, and MEAN it...he will learn how to respect you. As my IC says, we teach people how (or whether) to respect us, by what we put up with.


Thanks. Yes, I agree. I have tried to mean it. That 2 months I split from him, it was at the start of that (I think) that I got some of the TT I had been after for such a long time. But I did not go back with him. And he refused to give me any more. It was only the emergency that made me make contact with him again. And he was round here like a shot. He would do anything for me. Except that! 

I haven't had any contact now since Sunday. And I feel sick. Ill. I have lots of stress from my 2 kids due to their Dad. He has actively undermined me in any way possible and he totally disrespects me too in front of the kids. And so do my kids. I have had unbearable stress from that, and unbearable stress from my partner. I feel like I am cracking up. Like I am totally on the edge. I have never suffered from panic attacks or anything close to it but I got my 1st (a result of the kids behaviour) about a month ago. And today I have felt ill and tight chested and in an almost panic all day. I just cannot cope with it all. I tried to get a doctors appt today and couldn't. Will try again tomorrow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Couple that doctor appointment with an appointment with a psychologist. That will help a lot more, in the long run.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Ok, so here is the pattern. 

I split with him. He goes quiet a while. We exchange several texts. Mine angry, pointing out to him I am done if he cannot give all, that he doesn't love me like he says he does, that he hurts me and just carries on regardless. How is that love! 

He responds: but I will never be believed, you will never believe and I don't blame you I have brought that on myself, do you believe me or not....answer me now....yes or no....(I answer course I fu*king dont!)....we are done if you don't believe me cos I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't believe me/believe I love them (and this, I know, is just an empty threat. It is his threat to shut me up and 'make' me 'believe' him), we are breaking up over something I haven't done and that is tragic, I never did anything else, 4 times and that it, oh sod off and stop bothering me.....and so on. 

He alternates between angry and loving....but he never addresses what I put to him. 

I have tried outright ignoring him. And then the occasional getting sucked in to addressing his texts with angry returns. 

I have tried appealing to him. But he doesn't really address what I put to him. Not really anyway. Not the real stuff. I will put a good point to him, a pertinent issue, and he will either ignore or answer with something that is not to my point. E.g. You will never believe me.

After the anger (from me, and anger in return from him....and I have done what exactly?! Oh yeah, I bought up the issue. Cos it don't make sense. And there are huge gaps. Oh yeah, my fault!) comes a bit of silence, and then the I miss you's and love your dearly's.

So, Sunday he blocked his email from me, which means several other things of verification of what he was up to were also blocked to me. I showed indifference except that I said if he wanted to do that then I would assume he has stuff to hide. And the longer he does that, the more to hide and the little chance of us going back from here. And I will make the assumption that he IS hiding things. I reitterated today. And that if he plans on fixing at all then transparency is the first step. And soon.

Much silence today. And yesterday after the mornings angry texts. He popped in for something he needed this morning and I was indifferent. He sent me texts this evening and I was pleasant but indifferent.

He has just texted me to tell me he has unblocked me. 

This is a merry dance, and I don't know exactly how to play it. I know I need to stand firm, but I find it very difficult to due to missing him and wanting him. What on earth will work with someone like him!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Remains said:


> Ok, so here is the pattern.
> 
> I split with him. He goes quiet a while. We exchange several texts. Mine angry, pointing out to him I am done if he cannot give all, that he doesn't love me like he says he does, that he hurts me and just carries on regardless. How is that love!
> 
> ...


Leaving


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remains said:


> This is a merry dance, and I don't know exactly how to play it. I know I need to stand firm, but I find it very difficult to due to missing him and wanting him. What on earth will work with someone like him!


Have you not realized yet that it's not about what works with him? 

You can't change him. You never could.

All you can do is change what YOU are willing to live with. Until you wake up one morning and say "I'm done being walked on. I'm going out and search for a better life. If he wants to be in that life, he KNOWS what it takes. Until then, I'm moving on" then he will always control you. And you will hate yourself. And waste yet another year.

It really is true that until you're willing to give up something, you'll never have it.

You think it's difficult? If you were allergic to peanuts, yet you LOVE LOVE LOVE peanut butter, would you go without it? Of course you would - you'd die if you ate it. You DO have control over things in your life, and you lie to yourself when you say you 'can't do without him. You can - you choose to be weak. 

This really is up to you. It's a frame of mind, hon. Until you're ready to LOSE him if you can't have him the RIGHT way, you are doomed to suffer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I have given this man long enough, been patient enough, to be called the biggest fool that walked the planet. I am fool!


Remains, being the biggest fool that walked the planet is his job


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So true turnera. So absolutely true. 

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You have pushed a button for me. 

And of course, thanks for all responses.


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