# Trying to Avoid Breakup



## fsa (Dec 4, 2009)

Hello everyone. Google lead me to this website and I really hope you kind folk can take a moment to advise me as you have done for the many others who have received sound suggestions.

The essence of my problem is that we were a young married couple who eloped 2 years ago, and now she wants to end things because she cannot see a way of telling her family. If I may go into a little more detail so you can appreciate our situation:

*Dating to Wedding*
We were 19 when we met and neither of us had any serious relationships beforehand. She was always nervous around guys and it seemed I was the first one she really opened up to. The usual romancing and going out happened and we really fell for each other. Six months in, we wanted to spend more time together and thought about moving in. Familial religious differences meant we couldn’t give full disclosure: she is Sikh, I am Muslim. Naturally, we don’t have a problem with that, but her family tend to bring up historic prejudices stemming from the partition of Punjab. My parents live abroad, so it was easy for me….things were more challenging for her, since her extended family are based here.

At the time, she was a first year at uni, so she was able to keep everything a secret and tell them she was living in halls. I lived in another part of town until then and wanted to make a fresh start, so we moved in together into a little flat near her uni. We thought things through as much as we could, and felt getting married would be the right thing to do since the thought of cohabiting without some element of commitment didn’t sit well with us. It was a moral dichotomy…we couldn’t tell our parents, but how can we share the same bed? We decided to elope.

She thought the day may never come when she could tell her parents, but at the time I felt we would deal with issues as and when they came. I hoped when she graduated and found a career for herself, managed to gain some independence and self-confidence she would be able to bring this up to her family. It was a small ceremony at the registrar’s office and we planned to hold a big wedding in years to come when the family situation could be overcome.

*The Married Years*
Despite our love for each other, things didn’t always go smoothly. I know it was because we rushed into things too quickly. I would be snappy, she would mope. There were times when she would do the silliest of things and I would lose my rag…but I knew it wasn’t her fault: she has never had to fend for herself. Ive lived away from my parents since I was 15…I managed to develop some survival skills. I accepted these were teething problems any newly cohabiting/married couple would face.

While she worked her way through uni, I finished off my A-Levels (I was a drop-out) and started a low paid job. I was clinically depressed before I met her…through her I managed to sort myself out. I know this sounds like a recipe for disaster: one should be happy with themselves before delving into a relationship. Maybe this was an omen. This was part of the reason why I would snap whenever she was upset…I couldn’t stand seeing her go the way I did.

She had problems with her father, she wasn’t happy with her body, she couldn’t commit to losing weight, she shied away from making many friends at uni. Things would’ve been easier on her social life, I suppose, if she did indeed stay at halls…but she chose to live with me. I did say this to her, but she would insist it’s because people at her uni are too immature and just not at her wavelength. Her closest friend is someone she met through me.

The good times were great…she is always surprised at how well I know her and how well I can read into her feelings. We were like soulmates. We loved each other’s company and despite our different interests, we found common ground and could appreciate each other’s talents.

After starting my job, I managed to secure a place at university 80 miles away from where we are now, and a similar distance away from her family home. This is at an establishment to study a course I had always dreamed about and never thought I could accomplish. I am due to start next year, after she graduates. I unrealistically hoped she would be able to move up there with me, but it would be very difficult for her to run this by her parents, who would insist on visiting if she is in another city. At the moment, she goes to see them every fortnight and that helps keep their suspicions at bay…but if she were to declare that she wanted to start a job or do further studies somewhere that far away, they would insist on helping her set up and popping round.

Given this, we contemplated having a long distance relationship. My course is six years long and we could make things work over this time through visits and things. During that time she would try to get herself established in whatever career she chooses, since her degree was more of an academic one without a direct vocational route.
*
The Breakup*
This October she decided to end things. Completely. She decided she saw no future with us because she can never ever tell her family and she didn’t want to pursue us if it will end in heartbreak. She said she knows she will never find anyone like me, who loves her like I do, but the family issue is a big one and she cannot put them through this. She said if she spends the next few years in a long distance relationship with me, and in a decade down the line she has to end it, what will have been the point if she was meant to be with someone else. How can she meet this other person who she could settle down with if she was still with me.

She said she couldnt just keep me under false pretences and stay with me when there was no chance she would tell her family.....and its a proper relationship that i am after, especially after all the time weve been together. Obviously the stakes wouldnt be as high if we were still a new couple.....but weve been through so much together and that is what hurts so much more. I did feel that connection and imagined longevity with her...careers, big house, long holidays, kids....the whole nine yards. Her home life has improved over the past year, her parents has a fractured relationship and were contemplating divorce when we first met...but they seem to have reconciled things now.

I was furious. It was as though she was contemplating another relationship and I meant nothing. Time and time again she would say she can never bear the thought of losing me completely because I mean so much to her and know her so well, but when I would ask her if it is other men she wants, she would say she is in no shape for another relationship and just wants to be single to focus on herself. She said she felt she was defined by our relationship for the past few years. I asked what it is that she wants to do that would be restricted by her being in a relationship. She said every decision she made before involved me in her thinking process, but I never enforced anything on her. I let her pursue whatever she wanted to. I didn’t restrict her. So I asked again if it is other men she wants to date. She said, if it is her fate to be with someone else, then how can she find that person when she is with me. Why is she masking her childish thoughts in all this spirituality? If she loves me as much as she says she did, then why would she want someone else? If she says she knows no one can love her like I do, then why the curiosity?

I get that she went to an all girl’s school and I was one of the first guys she really bonded with, but from the beginning I did encourage her to talk and befriend other guys to see what else is out there. How could I be sure that she knows I am the one for her when she hasn’t seen much? She said she would get shy around other guys and she knew she could never find someone else like me. However, all the time she says she doesn’t want a relationship and craves the flattery of attention from other guys. She feels she was always the ‘fat girl’ in the group and no guy ever paid any attention to her. Now that she is losing weight and becoming more confident of her body, she wants to play these guys….tease them with what they could have then walk away. Why this new found man-eater attitude? I get the ego-boost she can derive from this….but what if she ends up doing more with one of them? She said if she felt mental enough she might have a one-night stand. I cant hold it against her, I know, but why is she thinking about that?

She says she wants to grow and find herself without being tied down with a relationship. If that is what she wants, then why not use the opportunity when I’ll be at uni. We won’t be in each others’ faces, there will be distance and time to ponder. There will be time to be ourselves to find out who we are while we arrange meet ups whenever we are free. Why end everything when that time apart is coming up anyway?

I was gutted that she didn’t give me any room for manoeuvre. She made all the decisions herself and did not discuss anything with me to come to a compromise. She even wants to move out and is on the waiting list for uni accommodation to spend her last two terms. That means I will be left with the huge rent solo. My landlord has been kind enough to allow me to pay less for the next six months if she goes and I will pay him the rest once I graduate. He has no reason to take my word for this, but he was very kind and understanding. He knows what uni I am going to, he has seen the admission letters, he knows what career I will be going in to. At least that saves an additional move into a smaller place for six months before I have to move nearer to my uni.

Even though she wants to move out, she says she still wants to keep in touch and wants me to visit her there and her to come here. It is such a mixed message: she doesn’t want to sever all contact, but does want to end the relationship completely. I don’t know if I would have the mental strength to do that.

She hasn’t been painfree dealing with all this either. This was probably the cause of her lack of motivation over the past year…thinking about our future. Since breaking the news she spent a couple of weeks crying, sleeping till late, not eating properly. She has missed coursework and dissertation deadlines, she has asked for extensions, she hasn’t turned up for some of her lectures and singing classes. It seems to have affected her as well. It seems she hasn’t just washed her hands of me easily.
*
Living Together while Broken Up*
The past two months I have been trying to be good-natured with her while we are still under the same roof. Whenever she feels ill, I comfort her and give her medications. She stopped eating for a few days and since then Ive been trying to make sure she doesn’t do anything silly. Whenever she feels down and cooped up in the house and none of her friends are around, I take her out for a movie or something low key just to keep her spirits up so she can get through her final year at uni.

She says she has accepted that we are no longer in a relationship, despite how much she loves me. She has managed to deal with it and be okay with it. Fine, but why end everything completely? Why close the door and finish everything if it meant that much to her? No one can love her the way I do. She says she knows that. I know our relationship had problems. We had our fights and arguments. I said bad things in the spur of the moment. She would get depressed and mope and I would resent her for that when I was suffering from the same thing. But at no point did I stop loving her.

I realise she was pondering over all this for nearly a year which is why she is more detached than I am. I get that, but I think it is childish and cowardly of her to just walk away when we haven’t given our relationship a real go. The past two years we have been sheltered away in our flat, oblivious to the real world. She hasn’t had to venture into the real world and that is scaring her. She has so many worries right now, I don’t think she has given our relationship the deep thought it deserves. She is worried about her exams, dissertation, that she doesn’t know what future career to pursue since her degree doesn’t really lead to anything direct, that she has to move back in with her parents after uni as she cant afford anywhere by herself, …there is too much playing on her mind. That is a recipe for rash decisions, is it not?

The family situation is difficult, I know, but she cant tell what the future will hold. A mutual friend gave me a whole lecture on the misogyny of Sikh families and how the mothers are selfless martyrs to the whims of the fathers. The mothers wont stand up for anything and give in to the narrow mindedness of the men. This is something she says she cant stand and hates. She dislikes the senseless Sikh hatred. She hates her mother for not having the strength to pursue her own things, but feels she cannot put her mother through the taunts of her extended family should they realise she went off with a Muslim guy. Why is she being a martyr and sacrificing her love for the medieval ideologies she cant tolerate? This is the 21st century and someone needs to make a stand. She says if she does anything now they will claim she was brainwashed and doesn’t know what she is talking about. But if she had the courage and self-assurance, could she not stand up to it? Live her own life? Do her own thing? Right now, she doesn’t have any of that….but once she gets settled into whatever career she chooses and her life takes shape, then surely she will be able to take this on?


*Her New Side*
I already mentioned how she had image problems, and despite all my efforts to encourage her, she never committed herself to anything. I bought her exercise tapes, equipment, offered to go out on walks and jogging together. Last year I paid for her to join her uni gym, but her attendance was patchy. I then paid for her to have personal training sessions with this trainer from the summer months ago and her mood just lifted and she was being more proactive and enjoying things. I assumed it was her endorphins kicking in, but I shouldve been more suspicious. Two weeks after she told me she wanted to end things, I happened to read some messages on her phone she sent her friends and they made me flip. At first she made it out like it was her friends teasing her and there was nothing to it. I didn’t believe her and I trashed the house. I got violent…not at her, but at everything in the house. I felt like she started having feelings for this man WHILE she was still with me. She was the one who would tell me, “oh you work with pretty nurses and doctors...what if you find one of them hot, please tell me if you get a crush on someone or even give someone a second glance and ill do the same”. She used to tell me that her idea of cheating was merely having that emotional bond, the moments thought about someone else. And behold the irony....who did the lusting?

She later tried to justify the trainer guy with some long winded explanations. Apparently at first she thought he wasnt that good looking, but his physique and personality grew on her and she found him 'dishy'. Apparently she liked what a nice guy he was, talking about his childhood etc and she was taken aback at how a gym guy would even chat with someone like her, instead of just training and leaving. Then she said she knows shes 'too good' for a guy like him and after losing 'the love of her life', shes not interested in relationships. When I quizzed her on the intimate thoughts she expressed, that ‘he makes [her] feel in ways that I never did’, that ‘seeing his motorbike parked near her car would make her heart flutter’, she’d do her nervous laugh, which she always does when shes caught out. She justified it by saying she was just hyper and it was just girl talk. I pressed her, if he actually turned her on while she was still with me. Queue the nervous giggle. I asked why she said 'what i feel is more than lust...nothing like what i felt with [me]'. Giggle and the whole 'i dont want a relationship with ANYone now' speech. When I asked why she felt it is 'fate that hes in [her] life', she said that she meant in terms of helping improve her figure.

The trainer was being nice to her…..but she doesn’t realise that he was being like that because he was being PAID to! What personal trainer would be mean to their client and risk losing business? She has misinterpreted his attention for something more. If she felt nothing for him and it was a joke, why did she have to seek several of her friends’ advice before adding him on a social networking website? She’s always lurking on his profile and thinking about whether or not there can ever be something between them. She’s went to a club on a particular night because she thought he would be there. On the one hand she says she knows he won’t approach her, but on the other she wants him to see what he could have. She said he’s a liar and rejoiced at how poorly his own fitness training is going…..so if there is this spite, why the need to flaunt in front of him? Ironically, he never turned up.

Being privy to her new found daring side and confidence has been a great shock to me. The timing of this, post our relationship makes me wonder what my efforts lacked. The past years she has struggled with her self-image and socialising at uni. I may not have been an ideal partner, but I did as much as I could to help her get out of her shell, be proud of who she is, be outgoing, eat healthy, lose weight and go enjoy herself. Seeing her now get a grip with all this when I am no longer a part of her life makes me feel my efforts were in vain and that in some indirect way I was holding her back. Several times I asked her to go clubbing, but she never would. Now, she craves it.

I have no right to feel like this and resent her for this. I know only too well and I am not doing that. She has a prerogative to move on from me and it is great she achieving so much. A part of me still burns with excruciating envy and rage to see her dress provocatively and get checked out by other guys. This was my girlfriend, my soulmate, my love....and to see her other men objectifying and leering at her makes me furious. I guess this is a part of the break up and I have no place to hold it against her, and I do not, but the sentiments I feel are overwhelming.

After the arguing and pent up hatred over her personal trainer, I demanded that she be honest with me. If she wants me to still be a part of her life, and wants me to be amicable towards her while we live in the same flat, then the least I expect is for her to tell me what is going on with these other men. She said she will and has kept me informed. She told me she added random guys on social networking sites who she is chatting with, she had a textual exchange with one of them who she said she might meet ‘for a laugh’ and is joining a dating site.

Amongst all the honesty she said her supposed feelings for her trainer was her attaching herself to a guy who shows her attention. She said that is what she used to do before and even with her teachers…how she would misconstrue friendly conversation with something more. She says she sees no future with the trainer and she would be selling herself short if she were to end up with him. She says she has seen what his real character is like through his profile and knows he is just not her type. That might be one thing, but she has started sending flirtatious messages to a forty year old divorcee she used to chat with before she met me. She says it is all for a laugh and she likes the attention, but she has gone as far as to send him provocative photos of herself and is planning to meet him. When I asked her if she would do anything more, she said if there is chemistry she might but that she ‘isnt that type of girl’.

Why would she do all this if she says she will be hard pressed to find anyone who would love her like I did? Am I the naïve pushover here?


*My Situation*
I told my dad everything the other day. I broke down and couldnt hold it in anymore. He reacted well. He understood why i did what i did and didnt judge me. He even spoke to her and said she is like a daughter to him now and to talk to him about anything she wants, even her personal problems. She cried afterwards thinking how a Muslim dad accepted her like this when her own father didnt. She has had a troubled relationship with her father.

He told me not to worry about the relationship breaking and to stay friends with her and give her the space. He said she is a good, polite girl and wont do anything silly. He said we should stay on friendly terms and see how things turn up in the future...we are only young after all and I shouldnt get worked up over what-ifs. I should be brave and keep faith.

I know the old adage says if one loves someone, one should let them go, but how can I just give up on the girl I love so much? She came up with the decision all by herself and didn’t leave me any room for manoeuvre. If we were just dating, then I’d get it….there wouldn’t be that much at stake. But the other day even she said that the marriage meant something to her…it wasn’t just a matter of convenience. She said we were soul mates. I know she is my soul mate. So why be a coward and walk away from the marriage when the going gets tough? All marriages have problems…whether both are the source or just one party…but that doesn’t mean you just walk away. Should you not work through the problems, exhaust every single possibility before saying ‘its over’?

I am not deluding myself into thinking she will take me back overnight. I’ve taken pity on how low she feels and tried to help her out; I want her to see how it could be if she spent the next few months here instead of moving to halls. If she gets a place, then I cant hold her back…….I can only hope she doesn’t.

I proposed we try some sort of separation and she said she would need time to think about it and its repercussions. I don’t know how exactly to go about it, but I tried to warm her to the idea that by doing this as a compromise, she would get some of what she wants and I would get some of what I want. All this time she has made all the decisions without any input from me. If we were truly in a marriage, then we should compromise. Ill give her the space and time she needs to find herself while she keeps the option of us getting back together open.

She asked what would happen if she were to meet someone while we were on this separation…what would she say to that person and how would she date them. Once again, I pressed her if it is other men she wants. She insisted that she is in no shape for a relationship, but if it is her fate, how can she go for it if she is tied down with me. I said if that situation was to arise, we’d deal with it later. I made it clear that the least I want her to do for me is to give us a second chance. She really feels insulted when I say the last three years was fake and meant nothing. If she really did love me, then the least she can do is to keep the option open.

I don’t know how I would be if she were to date other guys. Meeting and talking is one thing…..but if she were to get more intimate, my blood would boil. What can I do. I cant stop her if she agrees to give us another chance. I know Im not being naïve by prolonging the inevitable. I know we can work. Her problems just need addressing. Right now, she said she wants time to think about how such an arrangement would work and we need to draw up some clear rules. She asked for a few weeks to mull it over.

However, her idea of this is that she still wants to stay in contact and remain friends while she stays single, and if fate has it that we are to be together, then in years down the line when we are more mature, things will work out. She wants to have the option to date other guys and take things further with anyone she feels chemistry with. The way I see this trial separation, I want it to be where we go our separate ways and pursue our own things, but still meet fairly regularly with the ultimate aim to see if we could work things out.

Is this a hopeless case? What should I do?






I know this message has turned into an epic, but it has been a real help to get everything off my chest. I appreciate you taking the time to read my sob story.

-Infarcted Myocardium


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## Confused-2012 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am really sorry that no-one replied to this thread and albeit it's 3 years later I would be really interested to know how your story worked out...

I am currently dating a Sikh girl whom I have known around 9 months. I was her first and I am white British with no immediate religious beliefs. We were friends for a few months in which time we kissed and things on nights out but nothing really serious. In time however we were spending whole days together and nights and hanging out so much, which was fantastic. Eventually we realised that we both had feelings for each other and started to date.

At this time I was working and living in the same city as her but she had just lost her job and had plans to move back in with her family back in London while she figured out what she wanted to do. Before this we had planned a holiday together and been abroad and spent a wonderful time together. One thing we have never done is argue.

During the time after she moved home we grew closer and closer but also the pressure on her to date the right Sikh guys of the correct Caste kept growing until she eventually told her parents about me and the fact I was white. In her family her mum is the head of the household, her dad is quite placid and his family is very liberal and his brothers daughter is dating a white guy, for which he has no problems. We have only been dating 7 months but I am 25 and have had serious relationships before and none have felt more right that what I have now.

The problem is that since telling her mother she has given off mixed messages.. at first she was livid and told her to break up with me and that it was all wrong. Next she is saying she wants to meet me but she is afraid I won't like her now. All this pressure finally got to my girlfriend recently and we broke up over it. I told her that I wanted to have space and not speak for a while... After less than 2 days we were blubbering down the phone saying "what the hell are we doing" and we miss each other etc etc. I really feel a strong bond with this girl and I am not afraid of converting to Sikhism and Marriage and dealing with the inevitable bigoted culturally minded people... she knows this and yet a few weeks later uncertainties started to creep in further and we are now on a break...

We decided that I needed to concentrate on my exams that were coming up in July (which if I don't pass I lose my job) and that this added stress was not ideal. This would also give her the time to think things over and give us the space to see what we really have. In this time she expressed a desire to date to 'see what is out there' as I am still the first serious relationship she has ever had, infact everything with me was a first for her. 

The problem is threefold:
1. She has not had the experience of dating other people and being in relationships to really realise that we are kind of perfect for each other. We have the same outlook on life, want the same things, make each other laugh everyday, chat endlessly about things and just feel so comfortable together while having that passion for each other yet she doesn't know how rare it is..
2. She has pressure from her mum that she is not marrying the right guy of the right Caste and this unsettles her because she is a very caring and loving person and does not want to upset her family. However she came round to the idea that she needs to stand up to her mother and fight for us and she didn't care what she thought when it was just the immediate family. She now says however that if it was just her family then it would be fine but people would talk badly about her to her mother with things like "oh so your daughter thinks she is better than us because she marries a rich white guy" etc. So she doesn't want to hurt her mother.
3. I have not met her mother so I cannot reassure her that I love her daughter and want nothing more than for her to have her beliefs, pass them onto her children and take care of her.

I believe that the distance for 1 month will be good for us and in that time I don't think she will meet anyone else that (without sounding arrogant) would be as funny and charming and good to her and have the same connection we have but also I am afraid of losing that as I was thinking that we had something that could lead to marriage and that didn't scare me for the first time in my life!

I know this does relate to Sikhism and other faith related items but if anyone out there could provide some insight it would be really really useful.

Do you think I should wait and then we can discuss things when I finish exams such as meeting her mother and getting her on side to support her daughter? Should I try and make her feels jealous (I think this is the wrong option but I don't want to look like a puppy dog)? What else can I do?

Thanks


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## fsa (Dec 4, 2009)

Hello Confused,

I forgot all about making this post... Unfortunately my story did not work out. To cut a long story short, we reconciled and tried to give it another go with some relate counselling. A year later she left me for a Sikh guy. I was devastated. Lost my sense of pride and was wiling to forgive her. Divorced. Now I hear she has converted to Islam and is having a different man's child.

I'll try and shed what light I gained into Sikh family customs from her and my sikh friends. Please understand that I am not trying to generalise by tarring a whole ethnic group with the same brush. This is just what I experienced and deduced. Do you have friends or acquaintances who hail from that background whose minds you could pick?


*History Lesson*
To start things off....I am a Muslim. From what I eventually learned, a Sikh girl to end up with one of 'my kind' is a cardinal sin, only surpassed by settling with someone of the afro-caribbean persuasion. Archaic? Yes. Unfounded? Yes. Dismally bigoted? Yes. It all stems from the atrocities which were carried out in the Punjab during the 1947 partition. Mountbatten drew the lines to divvy India up, Hindus and Sikhs migrated one way, Muslims the other. Massacres and atrocities were conducted on both sides....mobs were rallied up and unleashed on people of the opposite faith.

That was about three generations ago....yet sentiments have trickled down to those of today's generation. Sikhs can be defined as an ethnicity....they all hail from the Punjab, so anti-Muslim sentiments seem to unite a lot of them. Ironically, even Arab/Oriental/African/White Muslims are tainted with the same hatred (their ancestors had no part to play in the Partition massacres). The only Muslims I have come across who hold anti-Sikh sentiments tend to be those of Pakistani heritage. 

History, together with rumours of 'Muslim gangs preying on, wooing, sleeping with, taking compromising photos of Hindu and Sikh girls and forcing them to convert' have provided added fuel to contemporary anti-Muslim sentiments in those communities. I was not aware of how endemic these feelings seemed to be until much later into our relationship. Once again, I must stress, I am aware not all ethnic groups are homogeneous!

To put it bluntly, a lot of Sikhs would treat settling with a white person as moving up in society (as would many brown people from the subcontinent in general....although they would not like to admit this!). I am having a shiver up my spine as I say this, please don't take me for a bigot. I am just making an observation. Colonialist ideals means white man = dominant. So you are not starting from a negative position like I did.


*My Thoughts on your Situ*
You say her household is matriarchal. It was the opposite in my case (her mother would have accepted me....her father was a no go area). One would hope the inherent mother-daughter bond would flourish and the mother would welcome her child's happiness.

On top of this, you say there is already a cross-cultural relationship in her family....shows they are more open to the idea, or at the very least have made some sort of peace with it. Then again, the mother might say it's fine for her relatives' offspring to date outside the caste, but not her blood! Double standards are quite common in subcontinental families. 

Does your SO have siblings or influential cousins? If she gets along with them, they are usually powerful allies. Nothing like ganging up on a stubborn mother/elders! In my case, her younger sister knew of me and I even tutored her through her school exams....alas her young mind was too influenced by her family's bigoted views. 



*Your problems*:
_First_
This is regardless of creed, colour or class. If two individuals are in different stages of their lives, then it is quite difficult to sing from the same hymn sheet. You sound ready to settle down, or at least are bloody serious about her....you don't want to be investing your all in this relationship only for her to go on to suffer from grass-is-greener syndrome. This is neither your fault nor hers....alas sometimes one meets their ideal partner in the wrong phase of each others' lives.

_Second_
Your SO is suffering from the dilemma of the dutiful daughter. Unfortunately, many subcontinental parents are more concerned with what their wider society will think instead of their children's happiness. If your SO decides to make a stand, you will have to be incredibly understanding and compassionate. YOU will have to be her rock as she faces whatever onslaught her family put her through before they pacify and warm to you. I hope it does not come to this and you find a more amicable way around things. 

If I may play devil's advocate, for your sake, make sure YOU are not simply a vector for her rebelliousness. Some girls from sheltered backgrounds tend to lash out just to get at the conservative crumblies in their families.

_Third_
You could always do the honourable thing and go ask her parents for her 'hand in marriage'? I'm jumping the gun, of course, but you see the idea. Show them you are a good man who will love her more than any Jatt they will find her. Ideal opportunity to get into the good graces of her siblings etc too. Infiltrate the family and show them what a catch you are. 

Of course, this is ONLY if you are both sure you are in it for the long haul. You cannot help who you fall for, but save yourself from the torment of imbalanced love. 




Focus on your exams for now, though. I don't mean to sound callous, but you don't want to regret messing these up because your emotions were entangled. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, and if you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they were meant to be. A barrage of cliches, apologies, but they seem to bring the message home. 

However, before you launch into anything else, you need to establish where the two of you stand with each other. Then tackle everything else head on, together, supporting each other as an interdependent power couple.

All the best, Sir!


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## Confused-2012 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks for sharing FSA! 

I am honestly sorry for your situation as I can't quite compare my situation to yours as I am sure you had to endure much more than I have so far but I am looking for the best relevant advice and this is definitely very very useful insight, so thanks again for that!

I guess the next month or just after will be very telling... I definitely must focus on my exams and that is my top priority right now. I do believe however that this is not a case of rebelliousness and we were both party to 'you can't help who you fall for' however again the typical Sikh cliches did seem to kick in after she announced to her mother we were dating.

Interesting to see you say that "marrying a white person would be seen as moving up in society" as one of the things she said to me when we decided to go on a break was that her mum would be tormented by people saying things such as "so you think you're better than us letting your daughter marry a white man?". I guess it's true that some stereotypical and archaic views are actually quite apt. I think that this time apart as you say is good so that a) I can focus on exams and b) she can decide whether this is something she wants to fight for as I don't want to suffer from imbalanced love as unrequited feelings are pretty horrible for the one on the wrong side of things!

I think it is truly unacceptable and plain wrong that we live in a multicultural society in 2012 and interfaith and interracial relationships are still SO difficult to work with, especially between muslim and sikhs as from what I've heard also almost no sikh parents would allow it but muslim families are actually more liberal than I would have initially thought (I have more muslim friends than sikh as they tend to be all in London and I have yet to live there).

Do you still have contact with your ex and how are you getting on with future relationships now?

Thanks


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## fsa (Dec 4, 2009)

I'm glad my ramblings were of some help. Focusing on the exams is a good plan especially with so much counting on it for you. Who instigated the break? A mutual decision?

Notice how she quoted the community will say 'you think you're better than us....' rather than 'your daughter has brought shame to the clan'. Signs of social envy, I think!

You sound like you've got your head on right. Let this month go, ace the exams, then see where the two of you stand. I really hope you don't have to go through too much turmoil. 



On my side, we were in contact while she wanted to speed the divorce process up. I started uni (mature student) so couldnt spare the time to be on the ball, but she would turn up at my house unannounced etc. The pregnancy situation I heard from some mutual friends earlier this year. Now she has cut ties with everyone from her past apparently. Sounds like a quarter life crisis or something. I feel sorry for her and particularly don't understand her reason to convert...something I never even suggested.

To be honest, this whole situation has left me lacking in confidence and not really wanting to pursue something only to be left disappointed. I know it's a pessimistic view, but Ive had enough heartache to last a lifetime! Just trying to focus on studies, work and picking up the pieces.


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## Confused-2012 (Jun 27, 2012)

Thanks fsa. I am sure that in time and once you have got through the other side of studying and graduated you will know more clearly what you want and hopefully the right person is out there!

We decided the other night to cut off contact with my gf for a while as we had been continuing to chat as if we were just being friends and it was starting to get a little confusing. She mentioned she didn't think she was on the same page as me and that if we were going to make use of this time apart we should talk less so we can feel what it's like to be apart and give us both time to think.

Since then I've had greater focus on my exams and quite frankly it's not longer in my control to do anything so that feels better in a way. I do honestly care a great deal about this girl but in the end I believe I am deserving of a partner in life whom shares the same values as me and we connect in a good way BUT also one that will show they are willing to stand by my side and care for me as much as I care for them! If at the end of the day she chooses her families archaic viewpoint and decides to give up on us because of this then frankly I deserve better.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

fsa: If you don't mind me asking, did you write that original post all in one sitting? (yes, I read almost all of it, only skimmed a few paragraghs)

Best wishes to you in your future relationships.


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