# Help, how do I turn back on?



## momamuffin (May 23, 2015)

This is the first time I've posted anything like this but I'm desperate! I've been married to my husband for nearly 10 years (this year is our 10 year) we have two small children 3years and 16months. I've lost all sexual attraction to my husband... I'm just not attracted to him at all. I believe it's mostly because I'm not satisfied in any aspect of our life. We haven't had sex in about 4 months... mostly my fault I'm usually just too tired, angry, frustrated, not appreciated, worthless and bitter to be in the mood... I hate being this way. I do love him, and I think he loves me... But I think it's turned into a really crappy dependency on each other for survival... I can't leave because I have no money, and honestly I don't know why he stayes... Maybe he likes having a live in maid... I don't know... How do I get the spark back? How do I let go of my resentment? I've tried talking to him but it's like talking to a brick wall that's more interested in world news and cat videos his phone then listening to me or talking to me...
I'm honestly at a loss. Do I just suck it up pick a day or two a week and pretend to want to have sex? And just get it out of the way, I feel bad. And I know he gets mad at all the times I've rejected him in bed... But he doesn't even try to turn me on, its just waking me up with his hand in my croch and when that doesn't work, it's my nipples and by then I'm just annoyed... Help I'm so confused...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Express to your husband that you would like to improve your sex life, and ask him to work with you thru some things.

Start with the 5 love languages book. If he wants improvement, hopefully he will be willing to work with you.

Is it possible to get a babysitter so both of you can spend some time alone, even for a no cost walk in the park?

For yourself, you may find some interesting articles on The Forgiven Wife - Learning to Dance with Desire

This may not be applicable to you, but my wife was unhappy, and one thing I told her was "I cannot make you happy if you choose to be unhappy." This conversation occurred after I had spent a year doing a experiment where I did all meals, cooking, cleaning, etc. 

Your H has has his part, and so do you to work on in marriage.

People much wiser than I will be here shortly to give you advice.

He does need to ditch the electronic devices and spend some quality face to face time with you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You're not going to get anywhere until you two can communicate openly. Time for a Big Talk. The kind neither of you want to have. Or about 20 Big Talks is more likely.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Chances are good that he is also carrying resentment towards you and that is why he shuts you off. He may be staying more for the kids than because he wants to be married.

If you can't get him to listen, then consider starting an exit strategy. You'll have to get a job and start saving money for an apartment. Inform him that you are going to leave him as soon as you can. Maybe this will cause him to stop and listen to you.


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## momamuffin (May 23, 2015)

I would love more than anything to find a job that will pay me more than the cost of day care... I've been on the hunt for the past 8 months... I was, before kids, the primary bread winner when my husband was in school. He didn't work when in school, and he only went two days a week... All he did was sit around and play video games, when he wasn't in school... I even had a small nest egg, that is now gone because I'm a push over and he spends all of his money on expensive tools for the garage that get used once... I do teach a class from our living room once a week but I use that money to put food on the table...
I hope one of the reasons he stays is his kids but he gives them less thought and attention then me... I maybe making it sound worse then it is, I do believe he cares about us, and he is a good guy, he's just extremely self centered, and is selfish. Only does stuff he wants to do. Like an extreme case of only child syndrome (his parents worship the ground he walks on) let's put it this was he has thrown me one birthday "party", in the 13 years we have been together my 30th he invited his parents and one of his cousins... I had to awkwardly ask if they where going to sing after a minute of staring at the cake he put in front of me... No presents, just a giant pile of dirty dishes... I've thrown him a birthday party every year... Even a big surprise party for his 30th where I called all of his friends and set up for them to kid nap him and take him golfing (4 months I spent planning) as we set up the party... After my 30th I've stopped throwing him birthday parties... I've set up dates to things I think he'd like, car shows, concerts to bands he likes... I've also stopped doing that, after I had asked why he never plans any dates for me... And when my parents where visiting, he gives me a 5 minute warning to get dressed to go to dinner with him and a show (a show he had been talking about that I didn't want to go to, I nicely told him I'd rather not go, multiple times, but he can take a friend instead, it was a burlesque show, and I had just had my youngest 4 months earlier and the idea of watching attractive women prance around when I felt like a fat cow was not my idea of fun) so I refused to go, 5 minutes to get ready and get dinner on the table for my toddler and parents isn't enough time. And he got pissed at me, even when I told him I didn't feel comfortable, and how did he think I would feel, going to that thrown together in 5 minutes looking and feeling like a slob on top of feeling like a fat cow cause I just had a baby...
How do I get him to have the talk? I've tried but he won't say anything, I'll tell him what's bothering me, and/or ask him what's bothering him and he sits there like a lump, for maybe 5 min and then goes back to his phone... Nothing... Or it's a one word answer, it's like he treats me like I'm his mother, and he's a teenager ... Or I get attacked, like when I confessed I was unhappy with how things are, saying things like I should be happy, and that I act like I have the worst life ever... And why should I complain I have a roof over my head... It could be a lot worse... I tried to explain that there is a lot I am great full for and happy about in my life but there are things I'm also unhappy about... But I ended up just feeling ****ty like I was being selfish for wanting more, for not wanting to give up on the few dreams I had left... It's always my fault... I dunno maybe it is...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Look here's the deal...all the fighting and him giving you 5 minutes to get ready and stuff like that? You don't have to engage in any of that OR do anything he tells you to do. But you do it and then resent him. So just don't do it. Do what you want, not what he wants.

If he literally will not talk to at all about the state of your marriage you are going to have to leave him, that's what it comes down to.

I'm sorry there's no nice way of doing this or saying it. If it is literally hopeless as you are describing, then start detaching and start preparing yourself to leave. Start talking to your mom or whoever can help you out and get it figured out.

We can't change people or make them do anything. But that goes for us, too. You are in control of your life.


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