# Shut it out and shut up



## Needinghelpnow (Aug 27, 2012)

So I've posted before through all of this. Plenty of the ups and downs have been documented. Not going to bore you with all the details again but a little back story for those of you just joining us. 

Wife of 9 years, had a PA a few months ago. It was brief EA for a couple weeks, escalated to PA affair, kissing for about 6 days, and then escalated to more for 2.5 days (you can assume what I'm giving a .5 to).

We have been attempting to reconcile and its going well now. Some backsliding with contact by email, facebook and text for the first couple months. 

At this point she is doing everything I have asked of her. She has sent the letter of No Contact to the OM and the OM's fiance. She has remained no contact for almost three weeks (I know thats not a long time but its a milestone here and for the first time I believe she truly wants nothing to do with him). She has shown and expressed true regret and remorse. She is taking on actions that are significant to our relationship that also make me believe she is being honest and sincerely committed to reconciling. She has verbally and in writing expressed everything I've asked of her or desired. She has done everything I could think of needing.

Here's the problem. I know its still fresh, it hasn't been a lot of time, but I can't allow myself to move on yet. For no apparent reason, I'll be driving in the car and out of nowhere an image of the two of them together pops in my head. Unfortunately I have to drive daily within a mile of where the PA happened, and that always sparks things. There are other details that I know of that also are triggered pretty easily. When this happens I almost can't stop myself from starting these conversations again. My wife I believe truly wants to move on and so do I, but I'm the one that keeps bringing it back up, I'm the one that keeps bringing it back into our lives and I can't stop myself. I get no comfort or satisfaction. She and I both feel worse when I do it. She feel intense shame and remorse. She honestly can't believe she did it either. I feel bad for making her relive it when I'm telling her I forgive her and want to move past this. I don't want this to be part of our life anymore. We both just want to start this next chapter and make it stronger and better than before. But when I keep bringing these things up, I just hurt what we're trying to accomplish. I'm making her think about him when neither of us want her to think of him. She feels nothing but hatred and disgust with him and herself and I make her revisit that all the time. I feel like I'm torturing her, and I don't want that. Yes, I'm still angry and upset but I honestly don't want to attack her in this way. 

Everyday when I come home from work she has done something nice for me. Something to say and show she is sorry and she loves me. I appreciate that but I still find myself pushing for something, and I don't even know what.

Does anyone have any advice on how to stop obsessing? I know that the mind lands on what you give attention and its hard to overcome that. But there has to be a way. What can I tell myself that will make me eliminate those thoughts?

My fear is that if I keep doing this. Even though she knows she caused this and accepts that, that I'm being a total a-hole. I wouldn't want to be with me like this. 

What can I do?


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

I could've written this myself. Interested to see what the responses are....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need professional counselling. They have techniques to help fight against mind movies.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> Some backsliding with contact by email, facebook and text for the first couple months.


Okay, you wrote that you found out about the affair "a few months ago BUT you also write, above, that she was still in contact with the OM for "the first couple of months."

So, he's been out of the picture, what? Three weeks? Since the NC letter YOU asked HER to write?

Dude, no WONDER you're a bunch of nerves and triggers. These are early days! 

I wish you were more specific about the nice things she is doing for you that give you hope. Because what I see is that you found out and she spent a couple MONTHS eating cake trying to continue the A. 

But now, three weeks later, he "disgusts" her? Or did he throw her under the bus for his fiancee? And THAT is what disgusts her?

I think you're beating yourself up too much. And I think if she is committed to R, she needs to be all in, INITIATING things like NC -- you are not the boss of her -- and she needs to take your triggers and questions and grief. She needs to do the heavy lifting to heal this. Not you.

I give you permission to be a wreck. For several months. If you shower, feed yourself, and work a job -- you're way ahead of most betrayed spouses three weeks in.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Needinghelpnow said:


> My wife I believe truly wants to move on and so do I


It's only been 3 weeks of no contact (as far as you know) and there were months of backsliding and contact with OM. I'm curious did she share with you when she "slid backwards" or did you find out on your own? Did she confess the affair or did she only decide she wanted to move on after you found out and exposed?

Because, you seem to be confusing what you want with what she wants. Don't let yourself get blindsided again, there is no way for you to know what she truly wants at this point, based on only 3 weeks of apparent remorse and no contact.

At any rate, it takes a heck of a lot longer than a few weeks or months to heal from something like this, if ever. 

Give yourself a break and stop trying to rugsweep, that's usually done by the cheater.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Wait, never mind, I just found your other thread.

3 weeks ago she insisted she was going to remain friends with him because she cared about him, and this was after months of continued deception on her part.



Needinghelpnow said:


> After the affair ended she kept contacting the OM behind my back, she promised me to severe all ties and she called,texted,emailed and facebooked the guy numerous times over the last three months. I kept finding out and she kept doing but promising not to.
> 
> 
> She still thinks they were friends before all of this happened and that they should be able to stay friends now.
> ...


You have a long way to go here, and I am not just talking about healing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What I can read in your story about the after DDay contact is it wasn't unlikely due infatuation or alike but dealing with rejection. She was obviously used by this man. She already knew he was a bad guy, thats why she was atracted to begin with but, and this a huge issue for some females, she wanted to fix him. She believed she was fabulous enough to make him change, then he dumped her once he got what he wanted. It crushed her ego, she internalized it as being unwoirthy of him therefore unworthy in general.
The way to deal with rejection is to "undo" the rejection, she tried, she failed miserabily.
That was the after day contact. If I recall it was not "ice" contact, right?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Your only 3weeks out your going to be a mess..driving was ALWAYS the hardest part for me too until about a month ago. I am 3 months past dday #2. However I am still battling images and mind movies. We are in the middle of r and doing very well. its not easy, its hard work, but for me it's worth it. Hang in there, time is your friend. 

Your going to want to talk about it...no way around it. I would say get the details until you feel satisfied then work on moving forward if that's what you want to do.

Me and my wife do still talk daily about the A. However we are working on cutting that down and really trying to focus on our future. Again it's not easy and I'm not always successful but it's a goal.

Find some good music to listen to while driving that helped me sometimes. Get counseling that's a MUST!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You aren't months out from d day, you are weeks out. It will get far, far worse before you are out of the woods. Sorry, but that's just how it is. I'm a year out, and I would have to pull over at times, as recently as 3 weeks ago. It actually intensified in the week before I finally reached acceptance. Kind of a last gasp.

What steps have you taken to monitor your ws activities? What steps had she taken for utter transparency? One doesn't go from the affair fog to hate in 3 weeks, you need to press her on this, that seems totally off.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

And there is no time limit, it depends on you, it depends on her (the back sliding prolongs it, betrays your trust even further). It'll take what it takes. I was sick and tired of being on edge, of being angry, of the stress, of having my mind race in circles over the story. I wound up hanging on to the OM far longer than she did, because I did not want to let go of the idea of destroying him. Truth be told, I still want to, but am not nearly as obsessive about it.

I'll tell you what finally hammered home the acceptance for me. It's the fact that this story has played out so many times, for so many people. In what are essentially the same ways. It is something humans do, reaching for a coping method that doesn't work, but seems like a good idea as it develops. The first few times I realized this, it actually made me madder, because it highlights how useless and avoidable all the pain and suffering is. We could have learned from all those other people's mistakes, but no, no one goes looking for the information until after they're in danger, or have been betrayed, or destroyed. Like if only I knew 15 months ago what I know now, or better yet 16 years ago! Or if my wife had come here like Annie Ash did, when she realized she was crossing lines that she shouldn't. Anyway, I was getting desperate to move on, to find a way to let the anger go. Google led me here. I started to read, I started to post. Someone posted an excerpt from a sort of diagnostic manual, describing stages that cheating women go through, that lined up very well with my wife, and it hit and sunk in. Good people do bad things, people make mistakes, they deserve forgiveness, they are not evil. I can accept her back, without making the affair ok. I realized that and cried, about the sadness of it all, that people don't know, that they choose selfishness, and cause such misery, when there are other solutions that will actually work. The stuff that happens after, the stuff that happens despite the affair, despite the betrayal, despite the pain. I will never accept that any good comes from cheating. The good things come from the love, the bond, the hard work of the 2 people involved. The cheating just makes it harder. But not impossible. With that, my anger has largely dissipated, not completely, but I can now move on.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey, NHN 

I didn't realize you had a long, colorful history of cake eating there. I'm so sorry. You need to "trust but verify" as they said in the Cold War days. Please don't be so desperate to reconcile. That desire is often used against BSs so the WS can keep eating cake.

Read this on What NOT to do -- 'cause I'm afraid you're doing some of it. What NOT to do

Remember, this isn't your burden to fix this -- it is HERS. Pay very careful attention to what SHE is doing on her OWN to make this right. I'm not talking cooking you breakfast, I'm talking the big stuff. Like not eating cake and maintaining she can "be friends." That is utterly disrespectful of you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What do you discuss ? How do these discussion turn out ?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

There are some guys here talking about successful Rs spawning decades... And they are still here talking about it. So you are just starting out. It seems you have some years of that stuff to cope with.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

This is just the price of admission to affairville. It sucks. If she is remorseful and not just shamed, she will pick herself up and explain to you how she is making changes to prevent herself from being the soulless person who shed every ounce of integrity for a brief &^*%-fest.

My wife struggles with this now more than me. I will bring up issues in the present that seemed linked with her pre-affair behavior and she will often "sag" back into the woe-is-me attitude of shame, but then (to her credit) she shakes it off. She takes the discussion like and adult and we work through it because she wants to work through it.

The worst thing you could ever do is sweep this under the rug just to not make her feel bad. She is going to have to feel like hell before she will want to make herself a person of character that is worth loving.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Needinghelpnow said:


> I feel bad for making her relive it when I'm telling her I forgive her and want to move past this. I don't want this to be part of our life anymore. We both just want to start this next chapter and make it stronger and better than before. But when I keep bringing these things up, I just hurt what we're trying to accomplish. I'm making her think about him when neither of us want her to think of him. She feels nothing but hatred and disgust with him and herself and I make her revisit that all the time. I feel like I'm torturing her, and I don't want that. Yes, I'm still angry and upset but I honestly don't want to attack her in this way.


 Both you and her want to rub sweep. Both of you want to pretend that it never happened and go back to the way it was before. It did happen and no amount of rug sweeping will work in the long run.

It has been only 3 weeks. It is normal for you to feel this way. Stop feeling bad about being human. It normally takes 2 to 5 years to heal from this. You rushing the healing will only lead to a false recovery. The fact that she backslided for months means that it will take even longer for you to even begin to feel secure. Again, it has only been 3 weeks. Truth be told, you know that she misses the other man no matter what she is telling you now. The fact remains that there is still the risk that in a few months she will backslide again. If you want to really fix your marriage, stop pretending that you can go back to the way it was before. You must build a new marriage. The old one is dead.



Needinghelpnow said:


> Does anyone have any advice on how to stop obsessing? I know that the mind lands on what you give attention and its hard to overcome that. But there has to be a way. What can I tell myself that will make me eliminate those thoughts?
> 
> My fear is that if I keep doing this. Even though she knows she caused this and accepts that, that I'm being a total a-hole. I wouldn't want to be with me like this.


 She cheated, lied and played you for a long time. She is still playing you. She is nice to you for only 3 weeks and has you feeling bad for having normal feelings about her total betrayal. She has you feeling guilty for even bring it up. She is not willing to do the heavy lifting and help you heal. She wants to rug sweep and move on as if it never happened and has you buying into this. What you call her being nice is the way that she was suppose to be treating you all along, but stopped doing during her affair. You are so happy that she is treating you like a wife is suppose to treat you, that you want to pretend that it never happened. Well it did happen and if she were really nice she would be willing to help you heal even if that means she needs to do some heavy lifting for the next few years.

*Warning: Reconciliation based on rub sweeping is false reconciliation and not healthy for the long term survival of your marriage.* Do not rush the forgiveness process or the healing.


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## Needinghelpnow (Aug 27, 2012)

Thank you for all your responses. I thought instead of responding to each thing individually I'd try to answer some things in this post and probably ask a few more questions. 

As far as her going from wanting to be friends to disgust in a short time with the OM. You hit the nail on the head when someone commented that he "kicked her to the curb" and that disgusted her. It wasn't so much the curb as it was under the bus in this situation. However, it was a huge slap in the face to her and I really believe that is what started letting the fog lift. Trust me too, that night was intense. She wasn't trying to buy more time, I've seen those time buying moments and left feeling as such, this was at least very real in that moment. Since then she has been much more like her old self (the good old self). 

Someone asked also about the things she has been doing. They have been beyond typical obligatory spouse things. She is a musician/artist and has been writing a lot of songs. Most are to me, expressing her sorrow and love. Some are aimed at herself and her regret for becoming the person she became. She is offering total transparency on her phone and computer, etc. Which I've had all along but she would sometimes get angry about it, hasn't gotten angry for a good while on that.

When do rose colored glasses and rugsweeping transform into things getting better and moving on?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> She is a musician/artist and has been writing a lot of songs. Most are to me, expressing her sorrow and love. Some are aimed at herself and her regret for becoming the person she became.


Oh barf.

I'm sorry, but that just smacks of narcissism. Her gutting you is just fodder for her SONG WRITING CAREER? F*cking really?

I'm sorry. That's not a real thing. The transparency... enh. They can go underground. Real would look like she's taking INITIATIVE on counseling, on that NC letter you forced her to write, a postnup settlement. 

I'm not sensing sorry. Sorry.


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## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Read this on What NOT to do -- 'cause I'm afraid you're doing some of it. What NOT to do
> 
> Remember, this isn't your burden to fix this -- it is HERS. Pay very careful attention to what SHE is doing on her OWN to make this right. I'm not talking cooking you breakfast, I'm talking the big stuff. Like not eating cake and maintaining she can "be friends." That is utterly disrespectful of you.


Thank you for this. I definitely did 3 and 4, and probably 5. 

*sigh*


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Needinghelpnow said:


> When do rose colored glasses and rugsweeping transform into things getting better and moving on?


Its nice to see some forward progress. That much being said you are still looking for too much too soon. 

Real improvement in your situation is going to take time.

We're talking months or years, not weeks.


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