# Need some advice really bad... please help me



## neverends (Jun 22, 2011)

Hello everyone,

Im new to the site so please bear with me!  I'm 25, been married for 3+ years to my wonderful DH and have beautiful new baby boy. I love them both very, very much. 8 years ago, I dated someone for 2 years whom I loved sooo much. I was young- said ex was 21- and I, was not so mature. (I was 18!!) I didn't know how to show the proper respect for the relationship and continually talked to "guy friends" even though I knew it made him uncomfortable. He eventually broke up with me and start dating another girl (who is actually very nice) a few WEEKS later. They eventually got married a year or so later. Meanwhile, I was heartbroken, depressed and still in love with him. I never talked to him though. I just thought I'd let things be and let him be happy in his new relationship. I never stopped loving him, but I moved on. Had relationships, ended relationships, and eventually met and fell in love with my husband. Still there is not a day that goes by where I don't think of him at least once and wonder how happy he is. My husband and I were living in a small town and had to move into the city so he could be closer for work. Unknown to myself, my ex-boyfriend and his wife live in this same town to. Not just that. We are now in the same church and I have to see him twice weekly. We've been in the same church for 4 months now and he has not yet said hello. I haven't either though. My husband knows he's here but it doesn't bother him in the least. He keeps asking me when I'm going to introduce them to one another. I don't think he understands how much this is torturing me. I have cried SOOO much since moving here. I want to switch churches but my husband doesn't. I still love my ex. I never stopped. However, I love my husband SOOO much and I love our baby and I never want to do anything to jeopardize that. Being here though, is fueling a fire that I don't want to get fueled. How do I tell my husband this??? How do I say "Honey, I still love my ex boyfriend and I want to leave." Leave the place where you have just made new friends and are happy. I feel so guilty. Guilty for even loving my ex in the first place after it's been 8 YEARS!! I feel guilty that I even feel like I have to ask my husband this.  Please someone help me and give me some advice.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I would not tell your husband that you still "love" your ex-boyfriend. It doesn't sound like you have "moved on" however even though you say you did. Physically you did, but emotionally you still harbor strong enough feeling for this other guy that are not healthy for your current relationship.

Frankly, I don't think you have matured as much as you might think either. The other guy found another girl and married her. You found another guy and married him, plus have a child with him. Exactly what are you hanging on to?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

The ex you think you still love is the ex from 8 years ago. People and circumstances change so much in that amount of time. Can you really love someone you hardly even know now? Think of him as a part-time love during your life’s journey. It does not devalue feelings of how you once loved him.

Your husband and your child are who deserve your love now. The ex only deserves memories, good and the bad.


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## neverends (Jun 22, 2011)

That's exactly it. I don't know what I'm holding on to?? I know emotionally there are still feelings there. However, I don't want them there. I want to kill these feelings off but I don't know how. For now, I just want to move on somewhere else and NOT have to see him twice a week. I just don't know what to say to my husband when he asks why I want to leave.


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## neverends (Jun 22, 2011)

That's a really good point TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore. I haven't really thought of it like that yet. Thank you very much!


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I agree with the above. I too, have been thinking about an old flame even though he is married now and has a child. I would never contact him though, because I know my feelings will pass eventually. Your situation is worse because you have to be near him & his family, but you are going to have to be strong. A lot of people think that the "feeling in the heart" that you get is something you can't overcome. It isn't true. You can have strong feelings that can fade away over time. 

If you want to fight this feeling you have to remember why you don't want it to grow. Remember your husband, remember your baby. Remember too that your ex is not the same person he was 8 years ago. His life has changed and so has yours...even if you were to do something terrible and get together, you'd probably find out he's not the same person you remember. Then you'd have caused a bunch of trouble, for nothing.

It's commendable that you come across as desperately NOT wanting anything bad to happen. You're being honest about what you feel. That is a good start. Now, find something else to focus on when you start thinking of him. Remember that he's not the same person you used to know. That should help you until your feelings pass. And they will pass. Don't throw your life away. Best of luck to you.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

You are romanticizing a memory. Maybe if you actually had a conversation with this guy and introduced your husband, you may find that you don't have any feelings for him at all. People change and you may find that he is nothing like the person you remember. It may even make you appreciate your husband even more.

If you do find that you have feelings, then you should just tell your husband that it makes you uncomfortable and that you would like to change churches.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Oh, and one more thing. You shouldn't try to "kill" these feeling off. It's great that you want to, but that will only make it worse. 

What you should do is acknowledge your feelings but refuse to let them grow. Like, add a neutral thought on to it - like, "oh, I'm thinking of him now...oh, the sky is blue today." It sounds silly, but you are making the thoughts neutral instead of forbidden. 

I think you'll make it. Maybe don't share this w/your hubby though. Even if he says he understands, it's likely to just hurt his feelings.

I think you'll be just fine.


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## neverends (Jun 22, 2011)

Thank you so much whynotme. I think you're right that I am going to have to be really strong with this. Also, I will do what you suggest and think of something else when he pops up. I think that will help a lot. And I think If my husband just wants to stay where we're at then I guess I'm just going to have to make new friends too and keep myself plenty distracted by them at church.


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