# Out of left field



## dochol (Mar 21, 2011)

Yesterday my wife of 11 years told me that she has been feeling tied down for a while now. She says she really enjoys her time alone. She feels that she has never been on her own, and she wonders what that would feel like. When I asked her if she wanted to be married anymore, she stated that she doesn't know.

We met when she was 21 and I was 27. I had been sowing my wild oats for awhile, but she was just out of college. We ended up living together for three years and then got married. We don't have children, just dogs. I cook most of the meals (restaurant background), and do most of the cleaning and all of the financial stuff. We both have good jobs, friends and we are pretty social. We are both pretty free to do anything we want, alone or together. Except sex with someone else.

In the last year she has lost a large amount of weight. This has resulted in her having more energy, wanting more sex and having more confidence. Especially from guys telling her that if she wasn't married they would like to date her.

Anyway, I knew this day would come, and even told her that at some point, because she was only 21, she might want to know what it's like to be "free". However, I guess I didn't see any signs of it, so I put it out of my mind. Big mistake on my part.

We are going to see a marriage therapist, so she can find out what she really wants to do. She also said I would have to make some big changes. And believe me, she will too.

My question to anyone who has been through this. Can a couple stay married when the other one wants to know what it's like to be on their own? I have my doubts.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Married to my high school sweetheart and on the verge of ending our marriage after bering together 30 years - married 23.

We both did not get a chance to be "free" before being married, and this has bothered both of us for some time. In fact, I this issue has a lot to do with us drifting apart over the years, and soon will be going our separate ways.

You were free for a while and you know that this gets old real quick, so you do NOT want to give up on your marriage knowing this part of life is not as appealing as it may seem (grass is greener on the other side of the fence).

Do the counseling, and hopefully you get good counselor; I did not. Learn as much as you can about love, marriage, relationships, women, etc. Hang out on this site. There is a wealth of experience here; people who have walked the walk, not just talk the talk.

Give it a really good try, and this means making changes on both sides as you are intending to do. If she still has the desire to be free after all of this, then set her free. She will be unhappy if she wants to go but feel forced to stay with you for whatever reason.

In your case, "Live and let live; love and let love" is an appropriate philosophy. Good luck.


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## dochol (Mar 21, 2011)

Hey, thank you for the advice. It's nice to know that there are other people going through the same.

You are right on about not wanting to go back to being single. Every time I've thought about leaving or having an affair, memories of being lonely come back. I mean, there is a plus side, mainly, that you are free to date others. But that gets old.

Another problem is that all of our close married friends have gotten divorced in the last three years. It was like a virus. Now we are the only ones left. And on nights out, our divorcee friends aren't exactly positive about marriage, or even relationships. 

It's gonna be a long road, but I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

I feel for you Dochol. My wife was 18 and I was 21 when we first got together, and we were engaged after a year. We were together 9 years married for 5 before our separation 6 weeks ago. My relationship definitely has other issues involved, but I do think that those of us that get together young have to be much more vigilant. Hindsight is always clearer of course. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I hear you about the divorce virus, a lot of our friends have split recently and it changes your view of marriage for sure.

My wife and I have recently started carefully talking about some of our regrets about getting married young and it's amazing the amount of anger we've both been harbouring. But the day after talking I always feel better about whatever our outcome is.


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