# Need some advice...



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

What would you say and/or do in this situation?

As I have posted before my wife had texted multiple people, one of which was her co-worker. I told her I wasn't comfortable with her working at her last job at a restaurant as a "bartender" because I didn't want her being around the co-worker she had texted with. I told her that I didn't see our marriage working out if she continued to work there. So she quit that job and her last day was like 2 weeks ago or so.

Well today she sends me a text while I'm at work saying that she went to her old work to eat lunch and said she thought she had seen my platoon sergeant there. My first thought is WTF are you doing there? I mean I had explained that I wasn't comfortable with her working there so what made her think I would be fine with her going in to hang out and eat lunch?! As far as I know the OM wasn't there working, but none the less, WTF?!

My platoon sergeant sent me a text saying that she was down there working for free and then said j/k. My wife then sent me a text saying that my PLT SGT said to her that he told on her, replied back with what he said to me and she said "I was eating but helping at the same time".

How the hell can she think this is acceptable? I don't know what to even say to her about it because I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when I bring things like this up.

What would you say and/or do in this situation?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

clearly define your boundries.

I might not being popular for giving this analogy but...

Treat her like a child.

lol, before anyone attacks me, Let me explain...

I have a small child (3 year old) he is exhibiting behavioral problems, he is very intellegent and like most kids manipulative. Because of the disfunction in my home created by my W's infidelity, my son's behavior is being affected. Because of this Ive spent a great deal of time studying child behavior and systems to deal with them.

So, let me tie together my analogy/advice.

Your wife much like a child is testing your boundries. Actually when I thought about it and read all this information on child behavior, there are some very distinct similiarities to childrens behaviors and the behaviors of disloyal spouses... I'd actually agrue that a disloyal spouse in the "fog" of an affair does revert in many ways to child like behavior patterns.

So anyway, she is testing your boundries the same as my 3 year old tests mine. She is well aware that going there was pushing into the grey area... You didn't clearly say that you didnt want her going there at all... So... Grey area...

Without going into the whole childrens behavior thing...

Re-establish your boundries clearly. Until those boundires are clear and distinct, you cant enforce any sort of "punishment" or consequences...

So, I suggest you tell her how that made you feel when she did what she did. That it was wrong, it hurt you. You will not accept being hurt. I suggest not explaining it any further, don't engage in any arguements. You have every right to be hurt by this action.

Now that you have established that as a clear boundry. If she chooses to violate that boundry, she will understand that there will be consequenses.

Like a child, when you set this clear boundry and it's violated you take action and enforce the set consequence of that violation. For my son, he gets "timeout" for 5 minutes. lol, I don't expect that will work with your wife. lol.

You have to determine what the consequence means in your relationship, I don't know anything about where you guys are in the process or what your consequence would be. Her moving out, your moving out, etc..etc...


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks Pit.

I guess I'll just have to be more specific with her from now on, I thought I got my point acrossed when I talked to her about how I wasn't comfortable with her working there.

Thats why I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, because I talk to her about something and a week or two later she is doing what we had talked about. Hell one time I talked to her about something and an hour and a half later she was at it again. 

It feels like its getting out of hand, and I don't know how much longer I can keep kicking this dead horse.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> I guess I'll just have to be more specific with her from now on, I thought I got my point acrossed when I talked to her about how I wasn't comfortable with her working there..


Yeah, I thought I was being specific with my son when I told him not to hit the cat in the head with the golf club... Didn't know what to do when he tried to drown the cat in the toilet later... Guess I shoulda been more clear. lol.



Forsaken said:


> Thats why I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, because I talk to her about something and a week or two later she is doing what we had talked about. Hell one time I talked to her about something and an hour and a half later she was at it again..


If you had kids you would laugh about my analogy coupled with your above response.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Yea Pit, she is being childish/selfish. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. Thats why I made this thread, so that I can get some advice on what people thought of my situation and to see what they would do if they were in this situation.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Forsaken said:


> Yea Pit, she is being childish/selfish. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. Thats why I made this thread, so that I can get some advice on what people thought of my situation and to see what they would do if they were in this situation.


Basically, she called your bluff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Forsaken said:


> Yea Pit, she is being childish/selfish. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. Thats why I made this thread, so that I can get some advice on what people thought of my situation and to see what they would do if they were in this situation.


It's clear she is testing your limits.

Define them.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well I'm trying to think of things to say to her based off of some of the input I've recieved from people from my other threads, because I don't want to go over the same stuff again and again and again just to have another reoccurance.

So I was thinking about things I should say and how I should say them. Here are a few things that have been said to me by a few people here in the forum.

"I think that a person who isnt willing to put her marriage first, has no intention of working through it. In fact I believe that this is another selfish act that comes from the same place as the affair. She does not view this as an injury but an inconvienence. Remorseful people are overcome by emotion, yet she has taken an oppurtunity to withdraw."

'The first step in the actual healing process is to get a commitment to work on the marriage as a common goal. Unfortunately it appears you are a long way from step #1. I contend that if you demand her to stay and work on the marriage on YOUR schedule, which she owes you... "

"but she needs to be brought back into the "WE" of marriage and not the " me me me" of herself."

Some thing that kinda ties this all in. I'm sure there's a lot more I need to come up with but this is what I want to base it off of. Also I was thinking that maybe I should put it in a letter so that she can look back at it since she seems to forget/disregard what I say to her.


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