# Husband chat flirting with a real life friend



## tfan (Mar 11, 2013)

I am not sure how seriously I should take this. My husband met a girl at college and they have always been a little flirty, you could tell... she flirts with him and he enjoys it. We have since moved out of state but he chats at least 3x a week with her, and often for hours at a time.

He has been using my computer for the last few days and when I went to go on Facebook today his login was up and I didn't realize it at first, until he got a message from her. It turns out I just walked into a chat they were (are) having back and forth.

I should have logged out but we have already had a few arguments over the fact that I don't like the flirting, and here I just watched it all unfold. How seriously should I take this?

topics are: 
what sex is like on drugs (and kinky sex)
let's get together and get drunk
what friends with benefits is like


For what it's worth, I don't think they've had sex and I don't think they ever would unless there were drugs/alcohol involved, and then I can't be so sure. I am absolutely sick to my stomach at this chat and furious right now. I need some insight.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You don't think they would have sex if they got a chance, after seeing that conversation??

Wow.

Your husband either deletes this...'woman' from everything and sends her a no contact letter NOW or you should kick his ass to the curb. This is TOTALLY unacceptable. He also needs to prove to you on a daily basis for the next ten years that she is out of his life. If she attempts contact, he tells you. If he sees her across the street, he tells you. If he even THINKS about her, he tells you.

This woman is a threat to your marriage and MUST go NOW. If your husband chooses her over you, then she should have him.


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## tfan (Mar 11, 2013)

And he just went back home last weekend and I found out he saw her (and some other friends) and they got drunk together, all of them. He did not tell me about that, they just talked about it in the chat. I think I really am going to throw up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You don't think they would have sex if they got a chance, after seeing that conversation??
> 
> Wow.
> 
> ...


This. And I speak from experience as does Hope. dont be a fool here. THIS is dangerous. She is feeding his ego and he is drinking it up. He is addicted to her. Read the stickies here about the addictive qualites of affairs. And Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass ASAP.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

tfan said:


> And he just went back home last weekend and I found out he saw her (and some other friends) and they got drunk together, all of them. He did not tell me about that, they just talked about it in the chat. I think I really am going to throw up.


Do you still think he wouldnt have sex with her??? Keeping secrets regarding her is a HUGE red flag. He SAW her. Spent time with her and DIDNT tell you???? Why would that be??? If it was innocent, why would he not tell you?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

"ME ME ME" :waving my hand in the air: I know the answer!! 

He probably already did! UGH!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tfan said:


> And he just went back home last weekend and I found out he saw her (and some other friends) and they got drunk together, all of them. He did not tell me about that, they just talked about it in the chat. I think I really am going to throw up.


They had sex.

DO NOT ignore this.

I am so sorry he has done this to you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm really sorry for what your going through. Your husband is cheating on you.

He will do his best to justify his behavior and lie to you. Including putting blame on you. Don't take his crap.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Read this. Its very important. Some of the things you have to do now are VERY counterintuitive. They work. I swear. There are lots of people on here that are proof. IF you beg him, if you show weakness, you are unattractive to him and she becomes more attractive. Truly. Read this

.http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Read this. Its very important. Some of the things you have to do now are VERY counterintuitive. They work. I swear. There are lots of people on here that are proof. IF you beg him, if you show weakness, you are unattractive to him and she becomes more attractive. Truly. Read this
> 
> .http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


:iagree: Very important reading here!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tfan said:


> I am absolutely sick to my stomach at this chat and furious right now. I need some insight.


Then you are perfectly normal, hon. Your feelings are valid, reasonable, and demanding of respect.

You didn't detail the results of the conversations you had about this infidelity. (The definition of that term is unfaithfulness, and is not limited to sex.)

But I can imagine how it went: You expressed displeasure. He minimized it (just a friend, etc.). He blamed the victim by saying you were making too big a deal out of it, over-reacting, over-controlling, and such. 

Those responses are additional abuse. The victim is made to feel like they are crazy, overly emotional, controlling, etc. and it is manipulative cruelty.

Because the way healthy marriages work, when the wife sees something like this happening, the husband leaps to attention and demonstrates his empathy for the feelings of the wife. Of course you feel threatened dear. Of course flirting with another woman makes you jealous. I am so, so sorry and it will not happen again. I have blocked her number, here is a draft of the last message I am sending explaining how this communication is detracting from my marriage, can I please hug you and hold you tight...

So the way you deal with this is you go get the divorce papers and start filling them out. When he reacts then you point out how overly sensitive he is, controlling, emotional, how it isn't any big deal. It's just divorce papers. Stay completely calm and cool - pleasant and cheerful. Get the idea?

Commanders of the battlefield do not instill respect of their ranks and the fear in their enemy by crumbling up into sobbing, pathetic shadows. They calmly roll out a phalanx of tanks and artillery that provide two options: total surrender or total annihilation.


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## tfan (Mar 11, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> Read this. Its very important. Some of the things you have to do now are VERY counterintuitive. They work. I swear. There are lots of people on here that are proof. IF you beg him, if you show weakness, you are unattractive to him and she becomes more attractive. Truly. Read this
> 
> .http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


Thank you - reading this now.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

Do not believe anything your husband says. He is lying to you. It is extremely likely he had sex with this woman. Do exactly as the advice you have already been given. File for divorce, now. Show him that you will NOT tolerate this behavior. Expect him to lie, and then minimize when caught in lies. After you file for divorce..go get tested for STDs. Make sure he knows you have done this. DO NOT have sex with him, for several very obvious reasons. Don't talk to him about anything other than kids and household/financial issues.Kick him to the couch..out of your marriage bed. Tell everyone you know about what he has done. Family, friends, EVERYONE. If he does not end this affair immediately and show extreme remorse, then follow through with the divorce. Be EXTREMELY COLD and distant to him, as though you are DONE with him. This is the only way you will get him back to reality. If this succeeds, Then you can decide if you want to reconcile. I'm sorry to see you here, and I am praying for you. Here you will get good advice, compassion, and real help as you wade through the cesspool of infidelity. You will come out the other side ok. Always remember that God has your back. We are all here to help you. Welcome.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is called cheating.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Put on the hazard suit..this is about to go boom..... like Wiserforit said, you come down hard and play it calm even if you are falling apart. Don't buy any of the excuses. 

Read up on all they ways they take it underground. 

It's pretty much the go to book around here, 
"Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass"--- absorb it now. 

Exposure=your best bet. This is not the time to be "afraid" that putting his business on blast will drive him away, it actually does the opposite. Affairs need three legs, you kick one out from under him and watch it fall apart. 

**WS think they know all about you....your old news..well how about you show him a side of you he forgot about, the side that doesn't take kindly to her husband talking about friends w benefits and sexual topics with a former friend...... *boom goes the dynamite*


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

"I don't think they've had sex and I don't think they ever would unless there were drugs/alcohol involved"

There doesn't have to be drugs and alcohol invloved for her to make the first move and him to get caught in the moment. I might have FB messaged him WHILE he was still chatting with her and said - "When your done here, we need to talk..."


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