# Tell me what to do! PLEASE!



## youngandtired (Mar 21, 2012)

I am 26, married 3 years, together 5.5 yrs. We had trouble from the beginning, he had anger problems. We split and he took therapy for several months and we got back together. Things were good so we got married. We have little in common, very different people, from different worlds. We are working on improving our communication- we are very honest, but sometimes not clear. I feel like he is just annoying and a drama queen. When he drinks to much, we have really bad fights. I told him I was unhappy and I was going to move out. I know I am controlling also and naggy probably, but I wonder if I could get along better or be happier with someone else, I don't know, maybe not. He suggested we start a relationship agenda, marking arguments and documenting our feelings and needs. We will go over them every week. I'm not optomistic, however we both have a lot of love for each other. What to do???


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

I never heard of a relationship agenda.

Sounds like nothing more than keeping track of the highs and lows, the fights and the reconciliation and not doing anything to fix it.

How about you tell him that you'll do the relationship agenda thing but in return he needs to stop drinking. Completely.

Why do people need to drink in the first place? Especially when they have such adverse reactions to it.

I'd think that's a very reasonable compromise and even if the relationship agenda thing goes nowhere, his not drinking will be a huge plus.

If he says he cannot or will not stop drinking, which is what leads to the really bad fights, then there is no room for compromise and no way to fix this thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". These could give you some guidance in what you are talking about.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

hisfac said:


> I never heard of a relationship agenda.
> 
> Sounds like nothing more than keeping track of the highs and lows, the fights and the reconciliation and not doing anything to fix it.
> 
> ...


This! Oh the fights we would have after a few ****tails. Each of us has been in trouble with the law since we married 5 short years ago, alcohol fueled. We have not had alcohol in this home since before Christmas
and we have not had an all out fight during this abstinence. 

Do you think your husband can't handle his alcohol? Does he? For us, not drinking has become a must. We already have marriage struggles without adding fuel 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngandtired (Mar 21, 2012)

I didn't mean to imply he is a heavy drinker, he just partied too hard in Las Vegas, but he doesn't drink enough that I could complain about. H thinks that if we discuss arguments and feelings later, we can draw conclusions and learn from them. The real problem is, we disagree about everything.. So exhausting. I'm tired of him and he's tired of me too, he just can't admit it and doesn't want to lose what we have. I hate this.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It sounds like that he wants the marriage a lot more than you and is doing his best to save it. Whereas youre looking for a reason to get out of it. What is the reason you disagree about everything, is it just to cause a fight to show who is boss and see who will win.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I think the relationship agenda is an excellent idea!!!!..
The talking once a week about it all is the key point. It gives you both a safe focus time to calmly talk about whats going on. 
Who knows, maybe it will let him see that light that a lot of fights are after he has been drinking? Maybe you will see the light that you react stronger in mornings than at night?, etc, etc.

Anyway,... if it will start you two talking, once a week, about the relationship- without being fighting & emotional at that time... I think this is the key to opening communications between you two. Sounds like you've got a smart hubby there. Maybe you resent the drinking & want out.. but He sounds like he's trying.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

youngandtired said:


> he had anger problems.
> 
> We have little in common, very different people, from different worlds.
> 
> ...


I'm not "hearing" the love from this post. In your next post you state, "We disagree about everything," and "I'm tired of him and he's tired of me too."

Love? No, in my never-to-be-humble opinion, this is not love. 

Nobody can tell you what to do. I don't know you or your husband. But since you asked, I can tell you what I would be doing. I'd be telling hubs to cut down on the drinking. Some people are just nasty drunks; some are happy and goofy-acting. I'd also make it clear that we both get into some pretty intensive IC. 

I lived with an alcoholic for years. I am NOT saying your husband is an alcoholic; however, when he does drink you have "really bad fights." Don't fight with him if he has a few too many. Get in your car and go visit a gf, drive around, whatever it takes to avoid a bad fight. Fighting in a marriage is inevitable. But there are fair fights and there are ones that bring down a marriage and ultimately destroy it.


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## panda1965 (Mar 22, 2012)

It sounds like neither of you wants to be alone so you settle. 
I'm 47 now, and one thing I've learned is that if a man doesn't work out, shrug and move on. Eventually, you will meet a man that is right for you.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I can understand the wanting of an agenda because when hubby and I fight about who did this or who said that, it would be nice to have a journal to refer to. That being said, it sounds like a lot of work.

Don't you hate that when a man gets angry and complains he has "anger" issues, but when we do it, it is "nagging?" That drives me crazy. I complain to my husband that he does not give me compliments EVER. He swears he does, so I started documenting his compliments so I could show him the long time lapses in between compliments. It didn't really work.

I am going to sound like a mother to you now, before you decide to have children, make all of this stuff is figured out. If you are not happy, it is best to leave without having kids (duh, right?). Marriage is hard enough without having to keep score.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

youngandtired said:


> IThe real problem is, we disagree about everything.. So exhausting. I'm tired of him and he's tired of me too, he just can't admit it and doesn't want to lose what we have. I hate this.


Read the above quote that you wrote. The answer is THERE in black and white. A few years in and you are tired of each other already. Perhaps it is time to move on. Only you will know when you are fed up.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Doesn't really sound like you want to work it out?
If that's the case, be open & honest with him now about it. Don't pretend to act like you're working on the relationship, then months down the road say "see, I tried, it's not working, we need to split".

Either REALLY try to work on things ... or be honest with him that you don't want to work on the marriage.


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