# Unhappily married and falling for other woman



## Gatorclan3 (May 23, 2011)

Ok, so this is my first ever post. I am in a difficult spot in my life. I am basically a married guy falling for another woman (who is married). Let me give you some background info first:

My wife and I got married 6 years ago after only dating for 4 months. She was pregnant within the first month of our relationship. We decided to do the responsible thing and get married instead of continuing dating. We both knew it was a risk b/c we never really got to know each other. I basically made the commitment and hoped that we would fall in love as a married couple. Fast forward six years (and three kids) later, and I am utterly and completely unhappy. We are not in love and she is just as unhappy. We both know the end is inevitable but neither one of us want to make the first move. Now for the other woman:

I am a teacher. I am falling for one of my students' moms. She is married and has three kids herself. She is unhappily married and wants out of her marriage too. Her problem is two fold: 1) Finances prevents her from leaving him 2) He is a control freak and will make it very difficult for her to leave. We have been texting for weeks now and have grown closer (the best we can). We have not met up in person (outside of school functions), never been alone together, and never kissed or had any other physical contact. BAscally, there has not been any infidelity. 

My problem is I really have strong feelings for her and cant get her out of my mind. I know I want nothing more than to be with her. I also know my marriage will end eventually, regardless of the outcome with this woman. Ive tried to convince myself that maybe i can stay married (and miserable) for my kids' sake but I have come to the conclusion that I cannot. Thats another topic in itself anyway! So my question is....what do I do? Ive never done anything like this before! Help!


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

For starters, IMHO you use the words "falling for another woman" rather freely.

What happened to dating, getting to know someone?
Didn't you learn the first time?
You married a woman after 4 months, THEN had more children.

I suggest you take a few steps back, and reconsider your actions.

Let her leave her husband, you leave your wife. Both of you should get signed separation papers, then maybe you should start dating.

You are asking for trouble.

My wife fell in love with a text relationship. It's so shallow, and ridiculous, it's not even funny.
These text affairs make me sick!


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Ah, yes, the grass is greener syndrome.

This situation is a train-wreck waiting to happen. Think about the damage caused to your wife and children and the other woman's family as well if you carry on some secret affair, and it wont be secret for long.

If you are that unhappy, it is best to either seek marriage counselling, speak to your wife about how things could be improved, or separate. Do not get involved in this situation as it will cause no end of grief for all concerned.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You are cheating on your wife. And this is coming from someone else who cheated, so don't think I'm judging you. But you're investing your emotional efforts and energy into another relationship, rather than trying to fix your marriage.

Decide what to do about your marriage WITHOUT consideration for the other woman. Leave with your dignity and honor intact, if that's the right decision.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

So you want to be with a control freak who will leave the one she's with when she's unhappy? Why is your avatar not "Matchmaker?"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you are criminally mind you may not have a problem, but if you do have a solid moral compass and it sound like you do or why else post..right.

You will feel like a crimanal and the happiness will be short lived..I'm talking hours here.

Do you really want to deal with more grap in your life? Keep it simple and put your big boy pants on and deal with the hard issue of divorce and then move on.

All good things don't come easy so take the hard road, not the easy road. I think if you understand this you will find your own happiness, and it will be real and long lasting.

You and others will go through a huge amount of pain, for a long time, if you continue.

Do everyone that cares a big favor and be honest. So if you love your self and care about the person that you want to be retink this BS and be true to who you want to be and how you want others to remember you by.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pbear, I always love your advice. Straight and to the point 



Gatorclan3 said:


> I know I want nothing more than to be with her. So my question is....what do I do?


So get a divorce so you can be with her. 

I could sit here and write about how it's already gone too far with OW since you've both confided in eachother about your awful marriages, you know enough about her to proclaim you're "falling for her" and you know her financial situation w/ her husband (which is why she won't leave him) and also that he is "controlling." And I could tell you how all the energy you put into romanticizing your relationship with OW is taking away from your own marriage. And how your wife prob doesn't know about any of this or all of the texts, and totally deserves to and how should wear a condom the next time you date someone only a month in so as to prevent things like babies and STDs. I could tell you that your entire post is the cliche for a disloyal spouse's "script" (the things all cheating spouses say) and how no matter how this shakes out, lots of people will get hurt: spouses, children, families, in-laws, colleagues, friends. Oh and I could also tell you how silly it is that you stuck around for six years with someone you never loved or "got to know", just because you happened to knock them up. That one is especially ... 

But you already know all of this. When you think about it practically.

So I will tell you simply, if you really want to be with OW, get a divorce. Come clean to your wife about how miserable you feel, show her the texts, and tell her you only married her because you got her pregnant, that the last 6 yrs only happened because you felt obligated to stick around. Release her. Just don't lie to her.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

you are already cheating. its an EA. get a divorce.


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## Gatorclan3 (May 23, 2011)

I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins. 

I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions. 

I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it. 

As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.

I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Gatorclan,

You begrudgingly entered a marriage and hoped you would fall in love, as if a lump of magic might fall upon you. Love is a daily choice and a failed marriage means two people have failed. The solution isn't to leap into another but to figure out where you went wrong, adjust fire, and learn to live as a healthy, happy, single Gatorclan. Later, once you've accomplished that, you might be ready to meet, date, and maybe even marry another healthy, available person. This other woman may be the one, but the timing and circumstances are wrong. You really don't want to bring residual adultary related drama to the place you collect your paychecks. If she finds her husband controlling, such an action-oriented person might be expected to come down to the school and wear his butt for a hat, making life unpleasant and maybe even hazardous for you. I've always avoided mingling romanceor sex with my career. Whether the romance goes north or south, I still have to pay bills. It'd be impossible for you to say your relationship had nothing to do with school because that's how met her and your only in-person contacts have been at school functions (so far). Seems very risky to me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gatorclan3 said:


> In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins. .


Yes, because that makes everything better. 



Gatorclan3 said:


> I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.


You are having an emotional affair.


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## Gatorclan3 (May 23, 2011)

Oh crap...I guess I am having an EA. No matter how I try to sugar coat it, it is what it is. Ok, I need to think this through and end it with the other woman. I am not a bad guy...I dont want to hurt my wife. Im just tired of being miserable.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Let the OW figure out her life, but you can't be the one she leans on. She should turn to family or friends if her husband is controlling or have her call a professional if it's a serious problem. However, if you offer her support and things don't work out between the two of you, then you'll feel beholden to her too. You married your wife out of a feeling of obligation, you don't want to feel obligated if you ever decide to remarry.

Focus on sorting out you and your wife. If she's equally unhappy, start figuring out an exit for both of you. Be honest and tell her you're developing feelings for someone, but you that you don't want to pursue anything since you're both married.

Agree with everyone that you're already cheating, it's just not physical. It sounds like you don't want to be unfaithful, but feel like you've made a mistake in marrying your wife. If this is how you feel, open up to your wife and be honest. Confide in her and trust that she can handle the truth.

You're not a bad person, you've just made some bad decisions. You can start making some good ones now, but you have to let the OW make her own. Make sure she knows that even if you get divorced, it doesn't mean the two of you are a "sure thing". Don't bind yourself to someone else again before you really know them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gatorclan3 said:


> Oh crap...I guess I am having an EA. .



Ding ding ding. The very fact you even have an "agreement" not to take it further should spell it out very clearly for you, dude.



Gatorclan3 said:


> I am not a bad guy...I dont want to hurt my wife. Im just tired of being miserable.


Understood. Then you have two options: either axe things with the OW and work on your marriage or get a divorce.

Yes, it really is that simple.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Want to add that the OW could be "rewriting" history by talking to you. She feels an attraction and is starting to see your grass as greener. It's possible her H is not as bad as she's making him sound. Odds are, unless he's abusive, their problems can be resolved through marriage counseling. Having you as an option is taking her attention away on rebuilding and fixing her own dying marriage.

It sounds like your marriage is already dead, so confiding in each other is helping to kill off hers even faster.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Glad you're worried about your kids through all of this, but what about the OW's kids? If one of them were old enough to hit you, he would. Stop messaging his mother and f*ck off until you're both divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Want to add that the OW could be "rewriting" history by talking to you. She feels an attraction and is starting to see your grass as greener. It's possible her H is not as bad as she's making him sound. Odds are, unless he's abusive, their problems can be resolved through marriage counseling. Having you as an option is taking her attention away on rebuilding and fixing her own dying marriage.
> 
> It sounds like your marriage is already dead, so confiding in each other is helping to kill off hers even faster.


:iagree:

This is exactly right. I've never ever read a story where the OPs marriage is hunky dory. If the OP is a married OW, she almost always says hes some control freak and is in an unhappy marriage. The OW has to demonize her H in order to justify the EA in her own mind.

This hits especially close to home for me because that is what my WW said about me, when I was nothing of the kind! It really pisses me off and is starting to trigger me.

*Maybe her H would be shocked to hear that is what she is saying about him.* The reality is usually quite different.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gatorclan3 said:


> Oh crap...I guess I am having an EA. No matter how I try to sugar coat it, it is what it is. Ok, I need to think this through and end it with the other woman. I am not a bad guy...I dont want to hurt my wife. Im just tired of being miserable.


Good that you are manning up and owning up to it. I suggest you and your wife get into MC and work on the M. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, it just looks like it is. It's an illusion. If you and your wife don't make it, at least you made the effort and can part ways with her with a clear conscience.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Spend some time reading through the other posts in this forum. I think you will find you see a pattern. Learn from others. It's so much easier that way.

My stbxh and I both teach, and we just ended 20 years with his ea. (And other stuff. I'm not perfect either.) But our kids have to deal with our fallout now. And that sux. Wish you all better times.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The OW's husband is ALWAYS a control freak, physically abusive or emotionally abusive. Never heard of a single one say "yeah, he's awesome". They all need to be rescued and they all sing the same tune. It's all bull$hit. If her husband is such a control freak/potentially violent then why on earth would she risk being with you and subject herself to abuse? She wouldn't. She is a liar but you won't see that until you toss aside your wife and destroy your family.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Gatorclan3 said:


> I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
> 
> I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


Something to think about... If you don't deal with the things on your side that caused issues (I.e. Communication, conflict resolution) you can likely count on similar problems in the next relationship.

Good luck, no matter what you chose! And thanks, JB! I always look for your posts, and not just cause I have a sweet tooth! . More of a chocolate guy, myself!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Gatorclan3 said:


> I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.


Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get a lot of support here for ditching your marriage and family to go for the other woman. And I'm not being mean or judging you here, in that I was disloyal once myself. Having gone through it and come out the other end, my very best advice to you would be to end ALL contact with the Other Woman immediately and tell her you have decided to renew your efforts at building a loving, secure marriage with your wife for your children. 



> I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.


Yes but what many people fail to recognize is that the best interest of the child is to have a loving secure home with their mom and dad. Rather than teaching them to abandon their spouse--teach them that honoring a vow means something important. You volunteered, before God and family, to forsake all others for your wife. So your duty is not to "making yourself happy" even if it tears your kids apart and destroys your wife--your duty is to work hard with your wife to build a loving marriage for her and for you...and a secure family for all of your children! Your duty is to think of what they need ahead of what you want. Your duty is to help your wife become a better woman, and help your children grow into people who will honor their marriages. THAT is being mature!! 



> I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it.


If you come from a long line of infidelity, then you know first hand what you are about to do to your children!! You know that you are about to shatter their world and their security; you are about to make them have issues in their own relationships and need therapy as they get older; you are about to make them feel like it's their fault and like they are unloved. Now, that other lady may be nice and such but what person is worth all that? Look into your little girl's eyes and tell me you can do that to her. Look into your little man, who trusts you and depends on you, and tell me that you can mess up his world like that. No. I sincerely believe you're better than that or you wouldn't be here. Please...stop yourself. 



> As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.


 Nope on that regard you are 100% wrong. Now, don't get me wrong--it's possible that there will be other women who maybe have a personality type closer to yours or who has the same love language as yours...but whether you stay with your wife or go to another woman, the fact remains that rather than admitting your problems and facing them like adults and working to fix it, you would be running away. If you don't deal with the issues now, you'll just keep doing it to the next one and the next one and the next one. 

So you say you have horrible communication with your wife. Why? Do you work long hours? Does she nag you? Do you talk to her like an attack dog? Does she criticize everything you do (including breathing)? You made a commitment to this woman--so rather than running away "when the going gets tough" I recommend that you tell her "Honey our communication is horrible and some of that is because I don't open up and talk to you. I keep it all inside and keep things buried and I need to learn to do better. I don't want to end up like all the other folks who divorce because I want to be a better man. So can we please learn how to communicate better?" See...communicating doesn't just mean that she stops nagging; it means that you have to open up to her and be honest with her about what's hurting you! It takes effort on your side too! 



> I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.


Here's what's wrong with it. You told your wife you would forsake all others for her. That means you volunteered to give her 100% of your affection and loyalty. Who is getting your affection right now: 100 flirty texts a day OW or 1 snarky text wife? Who is getting your loyalty right now: "I don't want to give her up" OW or "I don't mind breaking my vow" wife? What do you suppose would happen if, instead of sending 100 texts a day to your OW, you invested that same amount of THOUGHT and EFFORT and CARE into your wife? I can tell you what would happen: she would blossom like a flower!!! 

So if you need to confide in someone, confide in your BEST FRIEND: your WIFE. If you need someone who understands what you're going through, turn to your wife. If you need someone to "just talk to", talk to your wife. 

Now Gator, I'm going to conclude. Some part of you knows this is wrong and knows you should stop, or you wouldn't have come here. I know that it's wrong. You know that it's wrong. What do you tell your kids to do when they are doing the wrong thing? Keep doing it? Be stubborn and refuse to stop? NO. You tell them to admit they were wrong and say they are sorry. Right? 

So you tell me. You're an adult, right? You should be more mature than children, right? What is the right thing to do here? YOU tell me. Do you need help doing the right thing? We are all here to help you with that!!! So come on--do the right thing for yourself, your wife, your kids, your marriage and your family. End the affair now, admit you were wrong and work with your wife to build a relationship that is so strong and loving that your kids will want to be JUST LIKE YOU.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get a lot of support here for ditching your marriage and family to go for the other woman. And I'm not being mean or judging you here, in that I was disloyal once myself. Having gone through it and come out the other end, my very best advice to you would be to end ALL contact with the Other Woman immediately and tell her you have decided to renew your efforts at building a loving, secure marriage with your wife for your children.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Gator,

I don't think you're a "bad" guy, just maybe not using the best judgement at the moment. When we're hurting, we often make bad decisions. If it goes bad, the world won't pay much attention to any hurt that compelled the bad decision, but they will always remember the poor choices you made. As bad as life feels right now, it can get worse and I suspect on your present course, it will.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

It is sad you feel you aren't being unfaithful just because you haven't touched her yet. 

OW is looking for a soft place to land so she can get out of her current relationship. YOU=soft place


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Gatorclan3 said:


> I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
> 
> I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
> 
> ...


Boom! Jelly strikes again. Luv me some Jellybeans 

So Gatorclan, in your defense you only knocked up a chick that you didn't love, not 3x's but only twice (since the 2nd pregnancy resulted in twins)...IMHO, that isn't a defense at all. You don't get a cookie or any solace for fathering children in a marriage that sounds like you believed it may work - it may not work- but lets give it a good old college try,and now putting your kids through divorce, and then try to downplay your bad decisions by saying "in my defense..."

Secondly, you are a married teacher that is "falling for" the married mother of a student at your school? Hmmm, me thinks you should concentrate more on your job.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The OW's husband is ALWAYS a control freak, physically abusive or emotionally abusive. *Never heard of a single one say "yeah, he's awesome"*. They all need to be rescued and they all sing the same tune. It's all bull$hit. If her husband is such a control freak/potentially violent then why on earth would she risk being with you and subject herself to abuse? She wouldn't. She is a liar but you won't see that until you toss aside your wife and destroy your family.


:iagree:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Your marriage may be dead, but remember this, you tried dating when you had a young child, and then BOOM two more. Me and my husband had a baby and one on the way when we married, we were very much in love when we married, but I do feel that he felt pressured to get married sooner than he wanted to. He didn't feel pressured by me, but he said by my parents and "that it was the right thing to do," even though he proposed to me out of the blue, and agreed excitedly to a wedding date. I just didn't know that until years later, which hurt like hell. Having the young kids around made it very very hard to maintain our relationship, and then years fast forward, communication went to ****, and here I am, he went outside marriage 4 times, I once. There is no excuse for what I did, what he did and is continuing to do, zero. 

I am glad you have come to the realization that you are having an EA, but are you really sure it's the end? Get some counseling, educate yourself, see if you're actually compatible as people, as friends, it could be salvaged. Not gonna be easy work, but the benefits far outweigh getting divorced, you can both walk away with knowing you tried, and really a win/win. If it didn't work out, your issues with each other are resolved, and it would be very amicable, and could very well end up with you two just being very good friends, which would be wonderful for the children.

Get rid of OW, focus on you and what you want, and the wife needs to do the same, I wish you luck.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Either divorce your current wife, or stop communication with other person. If you are not a "bad guy," you should also make this OP realize that it is not right for her to engage with other men while still married- even though she is unhappy. If you consider yourself a REAL friend to this person, in general, you'd do this.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ahhhh...Jen likes your post  spot on.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Don't want to hijack this thread, but you guys are invited to my party. Jelly and 2x already R.S.V.P'd. You gotta bring something though.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Your wife chose a bad one....YOU!

You have already abandoned the relationship without communicating this to your wife. Poor soul. 

Who are you to decide its over? There are two in a joint relationship or have you forgotten that subtle but important point?

Without sitting down with the mother of your children and saying how you feel, it seems you are intent on destroying her and your family because whether you like it or not, you are cheating on her already since you have betrayed her thoughts and feelings with another woman. 

You have confided personal intimate detals with another woman about your wife and yourself. That's betrayal and treacherous behaviour. 

Admit it. You are a bit of a rat even if you don't think so and no doubt you consider yourself a nice man! A decent man with morals would do the decent thing and say wife...we need to talk because I am unhappy or things aren't working out and we have kids so let's talk. 

Instead you sneaked off to discuss your life with your wife with another woman and you are teaching kids! This other woman is the mother of the kids in your school! Think about all the tongues that will be wagging where teacher is having a relationship with mother of the kids taught at your school. I hope your teaching to the kids isn't about morals. You will be hot gossip in the staff room too.

Break the cycle. You don't need to copy history, your forefathers into infidelity. Break the contact now and work on your relationship or divorce, otherwise it will all end up in tears and heartache. 

You need a wake up call. Start thinking about split finances, seeing your kids ad hoc and sharing another woman, her kids, her ex man, your kids, squabbling, paying bills for two families etc etc etc.

Get real. Either give your wife the courtesy of being part of a joint decision as opposed to selfishly deciding her fate all by yourself, or man up and do the decent thing, break free, get a divorce and then date. Otherwide you are continuing on the deceitful line from which you were spawn.


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## figment (May 27, 2011)

LISTEN TO ME: DON"T DO IT!

The pain will be unimaginable. You have never felt so much pain. DON"T DO IT. It seems like it will make you feel good but that will be so tempoary and the pain will make you want to die, ruin your life and that of your wife and kids, etc. Plus I can't imagine that your really feel nothing for your wife.

If you really feel nothing, get a divorce. Seriously don't do this. God I wish to heaven and earth someone had given me any clue how much this would hurt, including my therapist, when I was 'only' in the EA stage. Damn. Don't do it. Don't don't dont.


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