# Confused



## wevans88

Hi, thank you everyone. I recently found out my wife of 16 years (partner of 25 (we have two sons 21 & 13)) has been messaging and sending pics to a random stranger on FB because he told her she was beautiful on one of her post. He then requested her friendship the started messaging her and asked for photos and she sent them. She says it meant nothing and she just fell prey to flattery. I am beyond confused. Our marriage, so I thought, was the best and strongest it’s ever been.


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## EveningThoughts

....


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## Casual Observer

wevans88 said:


> Hi, thank you everyone. I recently found out my wife of 16 years (partner of 25 (we have two sons 21 & 13)) has been messaging and sending pics to a random stranger on FB because he told her she was beautiful on one of her post. He then requested her friendship the started messaging her and asked for photos and she sent them. She says it meant nothing and she just fell prey to flattery. I am beyond confused. Our marriage, so I thought, was the best and strongest it’s ever been.


It could be nothing, a new, one-time thing, that was caught in time to do something about. Or it could be a behavior that's been going on for some time.

Are there nagging issues in your marriage? Anything in the closet that you don't talk about? Does she feel insecure about her appearance? The oldest son, who predates your marriage by a number of years... if that was a reason for getting married, any chance she's looking back and wondering what might have been, did she marry because it was the right thing do do, not because you both wanted to be married?

If there are any reasons to have considered marriage counseling previously, I would use this as the crisis to move that forward. I don't see how it could hurt. You might learn some things about your wife you didn't know, feelings she's had that she's kept quiet about. This could be the best thing to happen to you both. Or... you can dwell on all the inevitable TAM postings about how this probably isn't her first time doing this, that you need to install a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, a keylogger on her computer.


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## wevans88

Thank you so much. She claims they were just normal pics but I never saw them because she deleted them every time she sent them. She knew it was wrong. She claims she is sorry and has got off all social media she is 40. She says it has been going on for about a month with this stranger and she only sent about two pics. The only reason I caught wind of it is I saw a notification on her phone from him asking for more while she was sleeping. She was keeping it from me and that’s what scares me. And the fact that it was a total stranger. She says she feels stupid and is afraid of losing her family. I am seriously at such a loss right now.


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## WorkingWife

wevans88 said:


> Thank you so much. She claims they were just normal pics but I never saw them because she deleted them every time she sent them. She knew it was wrong. She claims she is sorry and has got off all social media she is 40. She says it has been going on for about a month with this stranger and she only sent about two pics. The only reason I caught wind of it is I saw a notification on her phone from him asking for more while she was sleeping. She was keeping it from me and that’s what scares me. And the fact that it was a total stranger. She says she feels stupid and is afraid of losing her family. I am seriously at such a loss right now.


Do you give her affirmative attention and tell her you think she is beautiful and sexy a lot? Are you affectionate with her? She should NOT have done this but it could be a warning sign that she is feeling neglected in your marriage and the unexpected attention was just too flattering for her to resist.

I think it's a good sign that she got off all social media and acknowledges she should not have done it. Can you ask her what she things was at the heart of her being so susceptible to a random stranger's flattery? Ask her if she feels loved and cherished in your marriage? It is a very common thing for marriages to get very "ho hum" but one partner (often the male) is fine with things as is and doesn't realize his wife still needs attention and intimacy.


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## TBT

When FB recently got rid of billions of fake accounts,I would question why a complete stranger was commenting on your wife's post. They could be anyone with God knows what endgame.


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## BluesPower

wevans88 said:


> Thank you so much. She claims they were just normal pics but I never saw them because she deleted them every time she sent them. She knew it was wrong. She claims she is sorry and has got off all social media she is 40. She says it has been going on for about a month with this stranger and she only sent about two pics. The only reason I caught wind of it is I saw a notification on her phone from him asking for more while she was sleeping. She was keeping it from me and that’s what scares me. And the fact that it was a total stranger. She says she feels stupid and is afraid of losing her family. I am seriously at such a loss right now.


Some people will say of course she did this, you are not giving her enough or the right type of attention. 

Now, I am not saying that you have or have not, but I am not blaming this on you in any way. 

Let's say that you have been in attentive, too busy with work, not making love to her enough, not going out of your way to let her know how beautiful you think she is... Let's say that you have done all of these things. 

There was another way to deal with her feelings if they are real at all, but THIS was not the way to deal with it. 

So, no matter what, what she did was W R O N G... 

And, more importantly, you and your marriage has problems. 

The first problem is, you don't know what she sent or what she said because she deleted them. Big red flag. You basically don't know anything because SHE is the one telling you. She was cheating at some level and she is a liar, so you really cannot believe anything that she tells you. 

I don't know if there is any way to get back all of the FB stuff so you could read it, maybe someone else can tell you that. 

The first thing you need to do if find out what you are actually dealing with here. 

Then you have to get her to figure out what her issue is that she would do something like this. 

But yeah, your marriage is in big trouble. I really hope that she is telling the truth, and she has not actually had any type of physical affair, or a deeper emotional affair... But honestly, the odds with this type of situation are kind of against that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I gotta go with @BluesPower on this.

It may not be anything catastrophic but there's trouble in paradise here, may be mischief afoot.


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## rugswept

there are some really bad parts to this. it went on for a month. a lot happens in that amount of time. 
she says two pics.... how are you supposed to know? is there any way she'd send sexting pics? 
she deleted a lot and now there's no obvious evidence trail. 

when things are covered up, it's lying with deceit. these are the essential elements for much worse cheating than you can prove here. 
she clearly wanted attention and was very willing to receive it from someone she doesn't even know. 

work on your M. she needs attention and help. she's probably been a good W but is having problems, at the very least. 
good luck.


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## Mr.Married

If they were just normal pics then she should have any issues with you installing Dr. Fone and retrieving her deleted items *grin*. You will find out real quick how innocent they really were based on her reaction to knowing your going to recover them and then she "accidentally" loses her phone before you can.


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## MattMatt

"It meant nothing!" "I am sorry I hurt you!" "I will be off all social media forever!"

Trust but verify.


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## Spotthedeaddog

WorkingWife said:


> It is a very common thing for marriages to get very "ho hum" but one partner (often the male) is fine with things as is and doesn't realize his wife still needs attention and intimacy.


It is also very common for the female side of the relationship to stop giving any weight to what their partner is communicating, especially if she is annoyed about other factors. Even more so if she develops a emotional connection between those communications or actions and something she either doesn't want to do, or feels she is obligated to provide/do despite not enjoying it (not just sex).


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## Casual Observer

rugswept said:


> when things are covered up, it's lying with deceit.


So nobody's ever covered anything up due to embarrassment? Nobody's ever been caught doing something questionable, something that, if it continued, could turn into something bad but it was caught early and they recognized the issue and changed? The problem with TAM is that people come here with pretty advanced... problems. We come to think the worst because we see the worst.

I'll admit there are some narratives here, 20yrs comes to mind, that played out in real time and help to confirm the worst of any suspect action. :-(


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## wevans88

Mr.Married said:


> If they were just normal pics then she should have any issues with you installing Dr. Fone and retrieving her deleted items *grin*. You will find out real quick how innocent they really were based on her reaction to knowing your going to recover them and then she "accidentally" loses her phone before you can.


Does Dr. Fone really work?


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## Mr.Married

wevans88 said:


> Does Dr. Fone really work?


for iphone .... yes


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## CraigBesuden

Are you sure you want to pull the pics and messages? Maybe just accept what she says, make sure she stays off social media, and work on improving your relationship with her.


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## farsidejunky

You know she is lying about the content of the photos...right?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

wevans88 said:


> Does Dr. Fone really work?


Fonelab is better rated. Start digging like most you probably don't have the full truth.

Check your phone bill online to see how much contact they've had. Only takes about 15 minutes.

Sorry you're here. Cheaters are notorious liars so at this time you can't believe anything she says unfortunately 

You'll only get info from your wife on what you can prove.


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## Marc878

CraigBesuden said:


> Are you sure you want to pull the pics and messages? Maybe just accept what she says, make sure she stays off social media, and work on improving your relationship with her.


Burying your head in the sand and rug sweepingly this is disastrous long term.

Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll end.


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