# *New Here* Sexless Marriage Warning Signs?



## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

Hello,

I have been a long time lurker and I have questions for those sexless marriages:

1. Looking back, do you think you ignored warning signs?

2. Was your parter at one point excited about sex?

I ask these questions because I am NOT married but my (ex) boyfriend was very indifferent about sex (in my opinion) for the first 3 years of our relationship. After the 3rd year he seemed to want it more, and we may get back together, but I'm just so nervous about potentially marrying someone who will no longer want sex after marriage. Some other things that scare me are:

1. He can't orgasm through oral
2. Has trouble orgasming in most positions except for doggy style. ( so we always finish that way)
2. He can't masturbate in front of me with just his imagination. He has to watch porn.

No he's not gay/ no he's not a porn addict. He's very honest and has even refrained for weeks after I've asked. Is he just not that into sex? I know he loves me and has no trouble with erections, I'm just nervous after being the initiator for so long and reading so many horror stories. HELP!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is he?

C


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## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

PBear said:


> How old is he?
> 
> C


He is 25 years old and I am the same.


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## LonelyinTN (Oct 24, 2013)

1) Yes there were signs. I ignored them. Thought things would change. 
2) He was more interested in the beginning, slightly.

Mine had all the same issues as yours except he couldn't orgasm through sex for our first 9 months together. I found out he was masturbating through porn. Told hIm to stop for a week until we had sex again. Well guess what, he came with no problem.

Sounds like yours is masturbating too much as well 

Now I'm lucky if I get it twice a year. If I had been smart I would have heeded the warning signs. It's horrible knowing he'd rather beat off to porn. Makes for a very low self esteem 
My advice is to work this out before getting married. Please!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Unfortunately it sounds like he trained his sexual functioning to not include another person. That is possibly why he can only finish doggy.

If he has some self-awareness, of course this type of issue can be overcome. It would require the desire to do so and a lot of effort. Some people will not put in the effort that it would require.

Sexual functioning is a delicate system and it can be "messed up" and then not function properly. But it can be reset, too. Is he self-aware about these issues?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

At 25, he shouldn't have any issues with ED or low T. Is he in good shape?


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## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Unfortunately it sounds like he trained his sexual functioning to not include another person. That is possibly why he can only finish doggy.
> 
> If he has some self-awareness, of course this type of issue can be overcome. It would require the desire to do so and a lot of effort. Some people will not put in the effort that it would require.
> 
> Sexual functioning is a delicate system and it can be "messed up" and then not function properly. But it can be reset, too. Is he self-aware about these issues?


Well I think he is aware, but I don't think he cares. Ironically, he enjoys pleasing me so he doesn't care how he gets off, as long as he does eventually. The problem with that is, I enjoy pleasing him, and have trouble orgasming during sex. So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship. 

He is fine with the way things are, I just feel like my sexuality is going to waste sometimes. Aside from this he is a wonderful man, who is always willing to adapt for me.


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## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

40isthenew20 said:


> At 25, he shouldn't have any issues with ED or low T. Is he in good shape?


He is in great shape, and has no problems with erections. He can orgasming quickly from doggy style, but can't really orgasm at all with any other position.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Allison253 said:


> He is in great shape, and has no problems with erections. He can orgasming quickly from doggy style, but can't really orgasm at all with any other position.


That's a different one, for sure. Maybe he's into anal. Do you guys indulge? Just a guess, but he might be an ass man.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

So you are not dating him now? But thinking of getting back together?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My first thought is that you guy, who can't orgasm if he can see your face, has some serious emotional baggage about sex. Who knows why, who knows how, but a man who professes love, but can't orgasm if he is looking at you is a man with a very thick brick wall between emotions and sex. And honey dear...that will only get worse!



Alison253 said:


> Well I think he is aware, but I don't think he cares. Ironically, he enjoys pleasing me so he doesn't care how he gets off, as long as he does eventually. The problem with that is, I enjoy pleasing him, and have trouble orgasming during sex. So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship.


Your impression is that he doesn't really care that is inability to orgasm while looking at you is a problem. THATS a problem!

You enjoy pleasing him but have difficulty orgasming. In time, this difficulty will become worse because the emotional intimacy is NOT present and he doesn't see that as a proble. THATs a problem!

You feel like you're not doing your job, your not pleasing him enough, not enticing enough...this translates to feeling deeply rejected and over time this builds and builds. Again, he doesn't see his sexual problems as a problem, so you can pin any hope of it ever getting better. THATS a problem!

Take a pass on this man. You can't ever solve his problems with emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. Only he can and he can only do that if he sees it as problematic TO HIM and is willing to do the work to correct it.

Find a man who will cherish your sexuality and desire to please. There are LOTS of men out there.

Take a pass on this man.


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## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My first thought is that you guy, who can't orgasm if he can see your face, has some serious emotional baggage about sex. Who knows why, who knows how, but a man who professes love, but can't orgasm if he is looking at you is a man with a very thick brick wall between emotions and sex. And honey dear...that will only get worse!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well he does desire to please me, but the only thing that pleases me is pleasing him, which I can't do.


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## LonelyinTN (Oct 24, 2013)

Allison253 said:


> So when he doesn't come from oral, or hand jobs, or from mastubating just by watching me strip/ tease/ etc, I feel like I'm not fully doing my job, so it causes problems in the relationship.
> 
> He is fine with the way things are, I just feel like my sexuality is going to waste sometimes. Aside from this he is a wonderful man, who is always willing to adapt for me.


Allison, I had the same feelings. I cant tell you how frustrating it was our first year together because of his inability to "get there". I thought it was me, and would be so upset afterwards. He would try to tell me that it wasn't me, but I didn't believe him. Now, looking back, I do know it was him.
It does sound like the issue is with him. Don't let it mess with your womanhood, its a tricky situation. Perhaps sexual counselling of some sort would help??


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## Allison253 (Oct 27, 2013)

LonelyinTN said:


> Allison, I had the same feelings. I cant tell you how frustrating it was our first year together because of his inability to "get there". I thought it was me, and would be so upset afterwards. He would try to tell me that it wasn't me, but I didn't believe him. Now, looking back, I do know it was him.
> It does sound like the issue is with him. Don't let it mess with your womanhood, its a tricky situation. Perhaps sexual counselling of some sort would help??


Yes, maybe. So what happened with you? Did you divorce?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Allison253 said:


> Well he does desire to please me, but the only thing that pleases me is pleasing him, which I can't do.


And now you have completed your circle. You wish to please him, and you can't. He wishes to please you but since you can't please him, you can't be pleased.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Is it at all possible that you're reading too much into it?
What I'm saying is this -
If he's masturbating frequently he may have created a situation where he requires extreme pressure and/or a very precise movement to make him cum.
Maybe doggy does it for him because it hits all the right spots or maybe it's the visual of watching himself slide in and out of you that get's him off - dunno.
I struggle to orgasm from HJ's. Always have, regardless of who's administering them. Yes, I can get there, but I need to imagine something else is going on. I can;t explain it.
Maybe he's into anal as previously suggested.
Maybe you aren't doing it right.
Why not just ask him to be absolutely forthcoming because your relationship depends on it.
My wife and I have been having problems lately and all we really needed to do was talk about it as it turns out. 
The biggest part of our chat was how honesty builds trust, which builds respect. These things are absolutely vital if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. 
If he can't tell you exazctly what's going on, you might want to start making other plans.


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## LonelyinTN (Oct 24, 2013)

No, but I think about leaving all the time. I can't- I was a SAHM since year #2 of our marriage, so I don't work, can't find work that would support my and 2 children, so I stay for that reason and for the kids. Other than the no sex thing, he is a good man and a great provider. But generally it's like living with a roommate. I decided to stay in the marriage and just be sexually frustrated for the time being, rather than hurt the kids and live in extreme poverty. It's not really working out good though because I stay depressed and feel hopeless. I need that connection with him but he just is happy with how things are. it's what he is used to.
I plan to see a therapist soon hopefully. I feel like I'm actually starting to lose it some days. I wish we could talk to each other deeply but with a 5 yr old and a teenager we never talk about much and haven't been on a date in years. 

Yeah I'm drowning


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

Just another random thought here Allison,
have you asked him how he feels? Is it possible that he's depressed?
I'd suggest that you start your (inevitable) chat that way - "Are you okay?"
Even if he tells you there's nothing wrong, it will at least send the signal that you care and that his behaviour is unsettling for you. It makes for a good springboard rather than starting with "You make me feel like **** because of x,y and z"....... That will never end well.
You'll never know the answer to your questions until you ask HIM.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

You have every right to be concerned. I agree with Aaron Pink... Sexless marriages or those that are one sided. (Just laying there) are for the pits.
Does he kiss you? Having sex is what he is doing. I love sex and making love... Couples need to be able to make love and have sex.

You are being given warning signs.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

1. I probably did ignore some warning signs. The big one being that her vibrator started playing a pretty big part in our relations.

2. For the first two years (out of 6 total), she had a sexual appetite. For the last four, not so. 

About the OP, those are very valid concerns. If that is how it is now, it will only become more engrained when they are married and have been for many years. If she thinks it is because he does not care, it is only going to become exacerbated and more difficult to remedy in the future. 

About his only being able to achieve an orgasm via doggy style, that may just be physiology. I do not last all that long when I do it that way either.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> 1. I probably did ignore some warning signs. The big one being that her vibrator started playing a pretty big part in our relations.


Instead of being in competition with the vibrator, why not play with it with her.



tyler1978 said:


> 2. For the first two years (out of 6 total), she had a sexual appetite. For the last four, not so.


A hunter loses the hunger or juice for that object once it's been snared.



tyler1978 said:


> About the OP, those are very valid concerns. If that is how it is now, it will only become more engrained when they are married and have been for many years. If she thinks it is because he does not care, it is only going to become exacerbated and more difficult to remedy in the future.


Communicate



tyler1978 said:


> About his only being able to achieve an orgasm via doggy style, that may just be physiology. I do not last all that long when I do it that way either.


Something like this is entirely possible.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Instead of being in competition with the vibrator, why not play with it with her.


It is always a team effort with the vibrator. The toy and I double team the wife. The issue is that this approach leads to a session that lasts five minutes or less. She gets off (due to dual stimulation) within two minutes usually and then the race is on for me to get off and finish the session. I do not feel replaced by it, if you are wondering. 


"A hunter loses the hunger or juice for that object once it's been snared."

The decline in her interest was quite abrupt. We went from a healthy twice a week where the sessions were intimate, intense, passionate, and satisfying to once a month, five minute, go-through-the-motions. This occurred over the span of two months.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Sometimes you feel that your sexuality is going to waste - at age 25.

Ive felt that way a lot since age 25 - in fact it starts to feel normal to feel that way and you can only imaginge how other people who don't feel this way live.

Something is up with him or something is up with the combination of the two of you. Knowing what I know now - I wouldn't do it. It seems like half the time people marry someone who is a great sexual partner and it dissolves over time. Marry someone that is already having sexual troubles and that's how its.going to be. 

Miss Scarlett is having a pessimistic day. Sorry.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

One big warning sign I missed was lack of experimentation and not being interested in it enough to want to improve. Ok, that was two signs I missed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

If he can't get off with oral, there may be something wrong with your technique.... Don't really understand the inability to finish a HJ while you strip. I know that that is not really my thing, but I can make it happen (Seems like a waste when I have a beautiful willing creature who wants nothing more than to do it for me )

The real issue is not being willing to work on things to make it better for you.... At 25, that's a real problem


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Yes, when I think about it, there were warnings signs I shouldn't of ignored.

- Sex only 1x every 2 to 4+ weeks
- ultra conservative, shy and quiet
- usually never initiates
- sex only 1x, not 2, 3, 4+ times that day or night
- no toys or experimenting


There are so many good guys out there with none of these issues and you're only around 25 years old?

He had some serious issues to deal with or a secret porn addict or something else is going on.

If he is already like this, age 25, don't marry this guy. Find another guy and you'll be much happier.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yes, there were warning signs. When we started dating, my wife was all about sex. A few months in, she started making excuses to not have sex. She told me every last detail of her previous sexual encounters (lack of intimacy) and that her last partner accused her of being frigid (huge clue). I was given an abundance of clues, ignored every one, and married life has been mostly a sexual desert. You start seeing evidence of sexual hang-ups, reluctance to participate in sex with "normal" frequence, start hearing myriad excuses and medical complaints, all of which mean "no sex", run. People when they are dating are giving you their absolute best, Sunday-go-to-meeting behavior. You own no property with them. They know you can walk away on any day. If they give you excuses to not have sex while you are dating, rest assured it will get worse when you're married. If their no-sex excuses include a history of mental illness, sexual abuse, run like the devil is after you.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Allison253 said:


> He is in great shape, and has no problems with erections. He can orgasming quickly from doggy style, but can't really orgasm at all with any other position.


In your previous post, were you saying that you also had a problem achieving orgasm? If so, that may be contributing to his problem. (Not your fault though)

When I have sex, I have a 2-5 minute window in which I *can* cum very quickly. I almost never do so. Why? Because I want to get my wife off. I want to please her.

After that initial window passes, I have a much harder time getting off. In fact, most of the time we finish in.... doggy style!

When I'm not worried about pleasing her (when she's 'taking one for the team') my wife is surprised at how quickly I can cum.

So, be up front and tell him that you want him to cum first. Then you expect him to take care of you. Then tell him that the next time, he can be the marathon man if he wants to. But tonight, your happy is coming from his happy.

Ok, that may be one factor. Another factor may be in the shape/bend of his ****.

Odds are that doggy works because doggy is a position that hits the underside of the head of his penis. Lots of happy little nerve clusters there. (Next time you try oral, flatten your tongue there and sloppy grind his head back and forth. See if THAT helps.)

Anyway, if doggy is working, then you need to replicate that pressure for him, but in a different position. I've got one for you. I can't exactly describe how to do it, but I can tell you what I feel my wife doing.

Start at standard missionary. Now tilt your pelvis up. Then, do a mini-crunch. This creates a bend or angle. If he's inside you, then essentially you're bending his ****. What that does is create a lot more friction. More friction means he's more likely to be sent over the edge.

How vocal are you? If you're not, start adding that into your repertoire. Yeah, you'll feel like a dunce at first, but if done right, it's totally sexy.

Some handy phrases:

"Oh god... yeessssss. That feels sooooooooo good."
(20 years later this phrase is still etching into my mind. I think it was the drawn-out 'soooooooo')

"You're the... oh...oh... you're the bes...ah... the best!"
(Guys, this works on women too.)


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I missed a load of warning signs, my wife puts sex last, If we have an argument or I say the wrong thing sex is the last thing to come back to the relationship. Right now we have had sex about twice in the last 5 months. After a while you just get used to it though and with me I have become happier with not having sex and just being able to do whatever I want without the constant battle of wanting sex but not having any.

I think the last time I talked to my wife about sex I just got the same old "I don't know what to say" answer she gives about most things. I know its not normal for people in their very early 30s as we are but to be honest no sex is the least of our problems.

Yes sex is nice to have but to be honest I couldn't really care less any more.

EDIT

Don't get me wrong I still see pretty ladies and have that little bit of lust run through my body.... the urge never goes away and in some ways I can see how people end up having affairs. A woman in work recently asked my if I would help her with something, she said after I had finished helping that it was such a long job maybe we should go out, have a bottle of wine and she would give me a happy ending as she would love to give this hard task a really nice happy ending. She has since emailed again basically asking me to do her in the toilets! I wasn't even tempted.... strange I know, I think I have been beaten into submission and if I do get a divorce I think I will stay a single man for the rest of my days! 

Never let other people, sex, money or anything else define who you are inside.


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## Rotorhead77 (Nov 7, 2013)

Allison253 said:


> 1. He can't orgasm through oral
> 2. Has trouble orgasming in most positions except for doggy style. ( so we always finish that way)
> 3. He can't masturbate in front of me with just his imagination. He has to watch porn.


I'm the HD one in our marriage, and these are mostly true for me, too. 

Masturbating in front of someone is difficult anyway, unless you like being watched.



Allison253 said:


> 1. Looking back, do you think you ignored warning signs?


Definitely. There were so many limits placed on our interactions from the very beginning... but yet there were alternatives that I wanted more, so I was willing to accept those limitations. Now those alternatives are gone - should have seen that coming.



Allison253 said:


> 2. Was your parter at one point excited about sex?


Not sure about excited, but she was definitely more into it at the beginning - thus the aforementioned alternatives.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

I'm in a sexless marriage. My husband has never been able to orgasm with me, not through oral, vaginal, anal, nothing. We have sex maybe once a month, but probably not even that. Warning signs were always there obviously, but I loved him so I stayed. Now I have no idea what to do. He never initiates, I feel like ****, and the cycle continues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Simone25 said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage. My husband has never been able to orgasm with me, not through oral, vaginal, anal, nothing. We have sex maybe once a month, but probably not even that. Warning signs were always there obviously, but I loved him so I stayed. Now I have no idea what to do. He never initiates, I feel like ****, and the cycle continues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There isn't much you can do, eventually you will probably end up like me... you except the fact that you are married but celibate or you will leave.

I remember the shame I used to feel, why doesn't she want me? what have I done wrong? It passes eventually and you realise its not you its them.


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