# Need Some Advice About a Letter to My Separated Wife



## StephenG

This post was in another section but I believe it'd be better placed here as I am trying to R with my wife.


I have read from a few places that it is good to write a letter. I have thought about it and I am wondering if it would be helpful for me to do it. We've been separated for about a month and 3 weeks now.

I have begged and pleaded to her in person the first night she left through text messages and it got me nowhere so I am wondering if I wrote this letter now that it is down the road if it could help me any. I'd basically write everything I am sorry for and that I understand why she felt the way she did, ect. I was thinking about including she deserves to be happy with or without me in her life, but I feel like that kinda backfires in my face because in the letter I'd be implying a situation of me not being in the picture so I'm not sure about that yet.

She will be going out of state for a few days tomorrow so if I wrote it and mailed it, it would be waiting for her after she got back from her vacation with her family.

Basically I am wanting advice whether or not I should write the letter and what all I should include in it, and also if I should state I'd like us back together/the things I will change, ect.


Well here it is from start to finish..

Emily, 
There is so much I want to say and so much I want to tell you, but even more I want to apologize to you for.

You have been more than the perfect wife that I could have asked for. When I was little I always wanted to just go into the Army my entire life. Throughout the years you encouraged me to go and to live my dream, but the truth is that when I met you and as we moved further into out relationship I had a much larger and better dream that soon became a reality with you ; I was living my dream, a better dream.

I took you for granted, not only as my wife, but as my lover, best friend, and my soul mate. There was no reason or excuse for the thing I did or the things I said. I lost insight on the most important thing in life.

You trusted my with your heart and I abused that, I took you for granted. I understand your feelings and your actions, but I don't and never will understand my own. Throughout our marriage I did not prioritize you first as I should have and as you deserve. You put my needs before your own and I did not do the same in return.

Baby, you must feel conned. Before we were married I communicated to you that I would cherish you for the rest of our lives. But since the first week, I know I sent the message that you weren't important to me. Whenever you wanted to spend time together, I would never do it. Whenever you want to go out with me I wouldn't go. By choosing my own comfort and convenience over yours I have left you feeling that you weren't important to me, and I was an idiot to send you that message. You deserve more than that.

It is a shame that you never know what you got until it's gone. I love you and there will forever be a spot in my heart for you. Without you, the better half of me is gone and I would go to high heavens to hell to get that part of me back.

Stephen
__________________________________________________ ____

Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated


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## This is me

Do not do it!

You need to do just the opposite of what you are doing. Give her space. 180. Learn and live the 180.

I understand the begging pleading and I did the same thing, but this only pushes them further away. The letter is more clingy stuff that repels them further.


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## stopandmakecoffee

geez. i wish my STBXH write this to me


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## artlady

I think it's a lovely letter.

I wrote my H. a letter during our separation. It was a "Thank You" letter: thanking him for everything he'd given me during our marriage; the good times, the love... it was all-encompassing. And I told him how I'd always feel, no matter what. We'd been married nineteen years at that point. He told me that he cried when he got that letter, and read it many times in the next four weeks that we were separated.

That letter was one of the things that made him start seeing that he wanted to give our marriage another chance. That, and my 180 that scared the crap out of him.

So, I'd say send it. Make sure that everything you want to put in there is in it before you send it.


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## This is me

The general rule of thumb is no/minimal contact with the 180. But I like artladys post. For me it was not a letter, but these similar words were being said during MC. 

As much as she was convinced our marriage was a bad one during her MLC and EA, I stood by my grounds with the fact we were very good companions for 17 years and the bad times were only 5% or less. She was seeing it just the opposite during her fog and rewritten history.

Do what you think is right for you.

I wish you well!


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## Dewayne76

I agree with not sending it. though I have 2 setting on my desk right now. 

I do believe it's dependent on the situation. Some send letters and it makes things better. Some do and it makes it worse, but most I think send them and get nothing in return. No txt, no ty or anything. 

That's not to say they didn't cry in silent, not to say they didn't truly appreciate it, we will never know, until that day comes that they tell us. 

I have said many things in that letter from time to time and it's gotten me nowhere. 

Just remember one of the key things "Stop doing things that don't work, do different things and judge the reactions" 

If you feel the letter will do something, please, read it and reread it until you feel there's no better way of saying it. Then, rewrite it to make sure it's the best you can do. Then, if you still feel like sending it, send it. 

Please tell us how it goes and what your decision was.


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## This is me

I think to more silent or dark we can get can sometimes shake the spouse into thinking what they are doing, but in artladys case the letter had that same effect.


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## Dusty72

who am i to give advice , but i would say ...write it but don't mail it ......I'm doing a 180 , pleading , begging for forgiveness most times has the opposite effect....it pushes them further way i believe ...still , if you think it might work then it's up to you.....but i'm doing the last resort technique , 180 , no contact whatever you want to call it ....hope it works out for you


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