# doesn't come to bed...



## seesaydo13 (May 21, 2012)

I have been married for 8+ months and we were together 4 years pryer. For the past month my husband has been sleeping off and on in the living room in his chair. He is very persistent on me going to sleep in the bedroom. He usually (when he was coming to bed) would stay watching a movie and then move to the bedroom a little later. We got a dog so for a while I thought he was watching her so she would not have to be put in her crate. One night about 2 weeks ago I walked in after I guess he thought I was asleep and he pulled his shirt down real quick... The I got suspicious but didn't say anything. The next night I was sleeping on the couch and he came over woke me up and told me to go to the bedroom. I asked him to come too, he said he wasn't sleep. so I said I would go when he went. He went for a min. and then wen back to the living room. Shortly there after I heard him open his laptop. (Back story- 2 months after we got married I was on his computer (he never had a problem with this and I asked) looking up info for a paper b/c mine was broken. I found that he was logged onto a site that was a live chat site where you paid to watch "models" in front of cameras and talk to them and they did stuff. I looked at the transaction history, he had paid about $150 over the couple of months leading up to the wedding, and used to time. needless to say I was MAD and HURT. I called him and he even came home from work early to talk. He was sorry and said that he wouldn't do it anymore...) 
Sooo... the next day after this I was at home and got on his computer, I felt that i needed to know what he was doing on the computer the night before. I looked at his history and sure enough he was on that site and another of the same type. I saw many different chats that he had been in but i don't know for how long. He never came to bed though. I don't think he has been chatting in the rooms, just watching... He was still logged on to the sites too. So I could see if he has been spending money on the sites, I don't think he has, if he chats that is what costs money. 
Well a couple of nights after that ( he had not been coming to bed) we got into a fight about him spending nights in the living room. He said it was because of the dog. I never said anything about the porn sites. I have looked a couple more times and he regularly been on the site... sometimes I think I am in the room with the screen away from me.
Last night I got home from work and he had dinner ready and we sat down to eat... I wanted to see if he would tell me the truth. I asked if he had been on those sites or porn sites. He said no, absolutely lot, I looked this morning and his history has been cleaned off. 
I don't know what to do. I feel he will be mad b/c I looked at his history. He has a right to to some extent. But at this point it is breaking into the relationship because since he has stopped coming to bed we have had less sex than usual, when I offer most of the time doesn't want to. I feel like I must not be "Good" enough. He would rather be watching (maybe chatting) with these websites. 
Watching is one thing bad, chatting and it's a whole different thing imo.
I don't know haw to bring this up... resolve or fix the issue, I think he will get mad no matter what because he doesn't want to stop. Right now I feel horrible. I have been in bad moods and angry because I know what he is doing at night while I'm in bed alone.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi See sorry you are here It sounds like he is looking at porn or something related to it and may be actually emailing and pming these models etc. I would sit him down and explain what you consider a good model of a marriage should look like for example 

going to bed together no cybering or texting etc 

I feel you should confront his behaviour versus bottling it up 
those sites can be highly addictive and they can be toxic for marriages 

Good Luck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

seesaydo13 said:


> I don't know what to do. I feel he will be mad b/c I looked at his history.


There is a saying on these boards. Privacy in a marriage means closing the door when you're using the bathroom. That's fine. Clearing your browser history is secrecy. And secrecy has no place in a marriage.

His porn viewing has damaged your marriage. You have the right to fight against it using all the tools at your disposal. You have no obligation to give your husband the freedom and secrecy he needs to destroy your marriage.

So, you need to address it with him. Tell him you know what he's been up to and you don't like it. Ask him why he feels the need to view pornography instead of having sex with you. Then deal with the answer he gives.

Good luck.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You have a lot of blame for him in your post, but only a glancing reference to your own sex life. You don't give enough information here to indict your husband either way -- if you are only having occasional sex, or if you act like you are doing him a favor, then of course he's going to masturbate. Don't make this about the porn. You need to have a frank talk about why he is not satisfied with your sex life.


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## seesaydo13 (May 21, 2012)

Thank you for your advice. 
We used to have sex regularly, even in the months leading up to the wedding. It was really good. For the last couple of years he has had an interest in anal... and it has never gone well. Over the last few months sex has been less frequent. When I want to it doesn't happen, it's when he wants it... and I say yes cause I want to.
I now he has been on sites like this before we were even together, so he has been doing it for awhile... and every once in a while porn is not bad... it should not be a staple in a relationship... at least one I am in. I do have a problem with the fact that he may be interacting with these girls in some way, and the regularity of it. And he will not even say he is doing it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You definitely need to talk to him about this issue and ask why he feels more drawn to it than to you.

He could be addicted since he's been at this for years and doesn't know how to break the habit


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

When porn starts to interfere in a marriage (clearly it has in the OP's), it has to be treated like an EA. Think about the progression of an EA, from a few texts, occasional phone call, more important than family time. The W asks about it, H begins deleting texts, taking phone call privately, being rude to W in order to create free time to contact OW. Emotional, physical and mental attention is all given to the OW and the W becomes the boring, plain, unattractive one. He'll even defend his right to have the OW "as a friend", siding with her over his W when confronted. He has CHOSEN the OW over his W.

The same is true for porn, when it becomes habitual (not necessarily addiction -?), in the example above, substitute "P" for "OW"

He begins to delete texts (computer history), he talks privately on the phone all the time (uses the laptop always facing where you can't see the screen), finds current situation boring (loses interest in sex with wife).

Just my opinion because, in case ya didn't already know: I HATE porn-all of it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So if porn has opened the husband's eyes to what sex "could" be like, what is the best course of action? Cut off the porn in hopes that he'll become magically satisfied and no longer bored? Or up your game and compete? I suspect that once the cat's out of the bag it's too late...


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So if porn has opened the husband's eyes to what sex "could" be like, what is the best course of action? Cut off the porn in hopes that he'll become magically satisfied and no longer bored? Or up your game and compete? I suspect that once the cat's out of the bag it's too late...


Maybe the OP would be happy to up her game, given half a chance. But it's a bit hard if the husband won't come to bed.


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## seesaydo13 (May 21, 2012)

Thank you again for all your advise. 
He has been coming to bed since I asked, I still think he has been visiting the sites though because his history was cleared a couple of times... 

I don't know how I could up my game (other than doing anal), we have good sex when we have it. The sites he looks at (as far as I can tell) are naked women in little to nothing, they play with themselves and they chat with the ppl who pay, there are no guys, no real sex. He has just been watching this for who knows how many hours.
We are in our 30's now... we know what sex can be...

At this point I am thinking about writing a letter and giving it to him when I gets home. I think that is the only way I can successfully get my thoughts and feelings out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's good that he's making some progress. But, if this is an addiction, or even just a deeply ingrained habit, it will likely take time for him to cut it out of his life completely. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.

I suggest that, even though you're hurting, you try to word your letter to avoid making him defensive. That may just result in him shutting down. Try to make it about how you feel rather than how his actions are hurting you. It's a fine difference that may be significant. Tell him you want the opportunity to be what he fantasizes about. You're obviously willing to rock his world if he'll let you.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Trust is essential in marriage. He's promised you that he wouldn't be on these porn sites. Erasing his history gives the appearance of dishonesty. If he has any hope of having a high trust relationship he's got to stop deleting his history. If you have trouble trusting him it's because he's serially behaved in a dishonest manner. He has no right to get mad at you looking at his history. He's earned the extra scrutiny. If he wants to do his own thing he needs to be single and quit masquarading as a husband. I could really care less if my wife looked at porn and I don't think she'd care if I did. I would care very much if my wife lied to me. She's got access to my finances. She's in a position to make medical decisions for me if I'm incapable of talking to the doctor in an emergency. I make kids with my wife. Anyone else on earth could be a lying SOB and I'd still be ok. I can't have a wife I don't trust. She'd be as useless as mammaries on a boar to me. You have potentially even more risk from having a dishonest husband. If you get pregnant and have medical complications you might not be able to support yourself or your child...ever again. If I were a woman, I'd feel very insecure if I were latched onto a dishonest guy.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Peachy Cat said:


> When porn starts to interfere in a marriage (clearly it has in the OP's), it has to be treated like an EA. Think about the progression of an EA, from a few texts, occasional phone call, more important than family time. The W asks about it, H begins deleting texts, taking phone call privately, being rude to W in order to create free time to contact OW. Emotional, physical and mental attention is all given to the OW and the W becomes the boring, plain, unattractive one. He'll even defend his right to have the OW "as a friend", siding with her over his W when confronted. He has CHOSEN the OW over his W.
> 
> The same is true for porn, when it becomes habitual (not necessarily addiction -?), in the example above, substitute "P" for "OW"
> 
> ...


This is so true! This is exactly what happened in my marriage


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Get a keylogger..

Here is a good one desktop shark and it is pretty inexpensive. 

He is deleting the history, being dishonest with you.

My husband used to tell me that he doesn't look at the s*&@.. I found out other wise and he wouldn't stop.. He chose it over me.. 

Never bottle it up, you will explode eventually.. You need to talk to him about it. Who cares if he gets pissed that you were snooping.. You have every right to know why your marriage is failing. The last fight i had with my husband he blew up cuz i was on his computer snooping, if they had nothing to hide it wouldn't matter, would it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Seriously, if I needed to hire a CIA tech team to figure out if my spouse was truthful or not, I'd just save my money and kick her to the curb. The fact that you'd have to resort to such shenanigans gives you your answer.


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