# What Does He Mean?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay guys...need some assistance to decode some "manspeak."

I haven't posted here in a while, but a little confused on something and need some clarification.

Hubby and I were talking about our continued issue about enough sex (read my other past threads...medical issues, etc.), and he said, well look at you - how do you expect me to find that attractive? (no bashing here, he wasn't trying to be mean, just trying to get a point across)

I looked in the mirror and I had recently come home from work so hair was still done, make-up still on. I had changed into a house nightgown (no holes, not ratty and it fit), and some slippers. I thought I looked fine so I said so. He said he needed me to look attractive to which I responded, what in garters, silk stockings and edible underwear? While I understand the need for this type of visual stimulation for a lot of men, come on guys...I just got home from work, trying to cook dinner, have schoolwork to do, etc. 

Am I supposed to look like a stripper whenever I'm home? Can I not have any downtime without being told I look undesirable?

I mean he was sitting there telling me that in a t-shirt and elastic waist shorts with two days of beard growth.

I proceeded to tell him that I need him to look attractive too and that a t-shirt and pull-on shorts wasn't cutting it for me either.

So enuff of that--bottom line--what in the hell is he referring to and what does the "manspeak" mean?

Can I not wear a nightgown, do I need to be in full-on hair and make-up to cook breakfast at 7 AM on a Saturday?

Decode please...no bashers please.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

There is a wide gap between "not attractive" and "stripper".

You dress up for work and dress down for your husband. You are giving a clear signal that he is not the attraction in your life.

Maybe he is looking for something more than a house robe, but less than sex attire. Jeans and a Tee-shirt, shoes, whatever. Something that says "Hey, I'm home, but that is not the end of my day". The robe and slippers says "I'm too tired, dinner and plop in front of the TV (or book, or computer, etc).

And by all means, you have the right to say the same thing to him.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I can see why you'd be insulted by that...look forward to some replies!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And I'm not sure if it's manspeak you need the help with...that's just dumb-speak. Wow.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have no idea what he meant. I'm happy if my wife just looks alive and semi-interested. If he pulled you out of your nightgown, you'd kinda look like a stripper.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Wow, maybe I am the odd man out here (not unusual around here) but I have to disagree with Mistys Dad.

I really could care less what you are wearing, if you are attractive to me, you are attractive to me regardless of what you are wearing. Of course I am much more attracted to natural beauty than all that caked on BS anyway..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I always feel very torn about chiming in, MWIL.

I just never know how much his TBI is factoring into the equation.

I do know of another case where the husband complained about his wife 'not looking sexy' when she inquired about their lack of sex.

The reason there? It was diversionary. It had far more to do with him and where he was at, and he was simply looking to deflect responsibility.

She could have been dressed up like a stripper and it would not have made any difference.

In your case, I think he is well aware that your drive is much higher than his ... therefore it's in HIS interest, to derail things by making it about you. Just as we often see in reverse around here.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My gut reaction is that this is just some sort of deflection. Sorry.

My wife and I came to an understanding about our 'around the house wear' long ago, agreeing to try to look our best for each other, while being realistic enough to make it something easy to change into. I end up walking through a factory or two every day, and smell like engine calibration fluid, and she wears scrubs at work. After work, we both wear something that we'd be comfortable entertaining a neighbor who dropped by, or something like that. But I don't think it would be something that either of us would complain about if we didn't do that.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

No disrespect, but by trying to decode what he's saying, you're thinking like a woman. He's a man, whatever his statement was is most likely exactly what he meant. Using "Manspeak" or any type of coded language is taxing and your husband probably wasn't thinking that far in advance.

It doesn't sound like he was calling you ugly or anything harsh like that, just saying that if you're dressed in regular clothes, he's not gonna get any extraordinary sexual urges. What exactly that means in terms of what you could or should wear is totally up to your husband's taste.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> And I'm not sure if it's manspeak you need the help with...that's just dumb-speak. Wow.


What exactly was dumb about his statement?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Deejo said:


> It had far more to do with him and where he was at, and he was simply looking to deflect responsibility.


This is also a very real possibility. The statement alone has merit, but he could also be deflecting. Guess it all depends on the circumstances.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

are you kidding me he had the balls to say that as he was sitting there with 2 days of growth and a nasty tee shirt with nasty shorts........... 


enough said whats good for the goose........


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## PooDoo (Aug 12, 2011)

Definately a deflection. If I said something like that to the missus we'd not be having relations for some time. Gotta believe he understands that - and maybe that was his point - to cool things off. Or, he may be trying to come up with a reason he's not in the mood (often) and is blaming you somehow. What did he have in mind for you to be wearing - seriously (ask him)? I dig the stripper getup too, but it doesn't work so well in the family setting. Sorry - I didn't read your prev-posts to find out if you or him wants/needs more sex.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Sometimes men find things that are actually comfortable to wear quite sexy.

So instead of a nightie (if he's taller/bigger than you), try wearing one of his t-shirts or a comfortable button up shirt with a few extra buttons open up top.

Still covers as much, and is still comfortable and is a lot more sexy. Talk to your hubby... who knows what he might like as a compromise.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think his comment was insulting. Did he mean for it to be insulting? I haven’t a clue. What I think he was insinuating if not saying directly was that he doesn’t have the hots for you. Got the hots for your wife, she can look any which way and it really wouldn’t matter.


Dressed that way I’d say he’s (still?) depressed. And if you come home from work looking pretty good/sharp and start a conversation about lack of sex when he’s untidy and unclean I guess the conversation is going to go south pretty quickly. He’ll maybe drag it down to end it by insulting you, just because he isn’t feeling good about himself.


And therein lies the problem in that his problem is probably much more to do with him than it is with you.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Browncoat said:


> Sometimes men find things that are actually comfortable to wear quite sexy.
> 
> So instead of a nightie (if he's taller/bigger than you), try wearing one of his t-shirts or a comfortable button up shirt with a few extra buttons open up top.
> 
> Still covers as much, and is still comfortable and is a lot more sexy. Talk to your hubby... who knows what he might like as a compromise.


Agreed. Ms. Adina Howard said it best - Adina Howard - T-Shirt & Panties - YouTube

:smthumbup:


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

The history that I have with my wife is a veritable rose garden compared to what I picked up from your threads. So, it may not mean much for me to say that, even if my wife was wearing a burlap sack and had twigs snarled in her hair, I'd jump right into bed with her when she said "Hey, big boy..."

All of that aside, I have one serious comment. I do think your husband was deflecting. I think he was deflecting because he has a hard time dealing with the issue and sometimes (and maybe especially at that time), your history together just weighs on him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks everyone...I'd have to say I pretty much agree with almost everyone that responded (and I appreciate your time) - I too think maybe he is just deflecting on me.

Due to his TBI and PTSD and the prior stroke and everything my hubby is just really messed up emotionally and physically. The last 3.5 years since the TBI has been challenging, to say the least.

I'm still learning how to deal with the different issues I get hit with and this was just the latest in a long string of issues that pop up more infrequently now than before.

We are both under considerable stress at the moment as our home flooded last month and we lost everything. We're covered by insurance but there is a lot of stress in rebuilding (both the external home and internal possessions). He has been stressed with the uncertainty and the fact that everything is topsy-turvey and I'm working FT and going to school FT and dealing with the mess also - so we're both on edge.

Things have been really good (with the exception of sex but it's been an issue for a while since the TBI), but the stress of the flood has caused some tension and we've had a few fights and this was brought up in the middle of one (fight was about something else of course).

Anyway...I was having a hard time understanding "exactly" what he was looking for as he isn't very good at explaining himself--a lot of generalized statements and I have to figure it out.

Again, I appreciate the responses and really appreciate those that held back from bashing his motives as I have enough stress right now as it is.

Have a great day!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Can’t be easy with the flood damage MWIL. Here’s hoping it gets better for you and yours.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

My wife and I have are usual comfy clothes after work and that works for us,but I do like to see her in sexy stuff at bed time 3 or 4 times a month and of course it only stays on for a few minutes but I am a very visual person so that works.

Why not go to the mall with you husband and you pick out some comfortable sexy stuff for him you like and he does the same for you,but it has to be stuff you can lay around the house in also.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Hubby and I were talking about our continued issue about enough sex (read my other past threads...medical issues, etc.), and he said, well look at you - how do you expect me to find that attractive? (no bashing here, he wasn't trying to be mean, just trying to get a point across)


It doesn't look like it requires much decoding to me. Sounds like he said exactly what he meant. He didn't find your current outfit attractive. Am I missing something?



> I looked in the mirror and I had recently come home from work so hair was still done, make-up still on. I had changed into a house nightgown (no holes, not ratty and it fit), and some slippers. I thought I looked fine so I said so.


*nods* So there's the rub. You two have a difference of opinion regarding fashion.



> He said he needed me to look attractive to which I responded, what in garters, silk stockings and edible underwear?


... a clearly hostile and argumentative response. 



> Am I supposed to look like a stripper whenever I'm home? Can I not have any downtime without being told I look undesirable?


Your extremist comments make me believe your highly defensive over this.

Honestly, I don't know where to go with this. It's really simple yet you apparently cannot comprehend. So the simple blow by blow:


He wants one thing. 
You want another. 
Both of you are fighting dirty.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Blue Moon said:


> What exactly was dumb about his statement?


He should have known that would be hurtful to her. If he didn't like what she was wearing there are better ways to say it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

From reading your posts before and this one, I have always felt you are your husband reflection of himself. You are his mirror. How he may feel about you or the things he says to you etc, are a reflection of how he feels/sees himself. Try not to take some of the things he says personally, even though I'm sure thats hard to not do.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

PTSD or not, I think he knows what it is he is saying to you. 

He probably was having a bad day or felt down and out about himself, so he thought he would make you feel that way too. Just my 2 cents.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

trey69 said:


> From reading your posts before and this one, I have always felt you are your husband reflection of himself. You are his mirror. How he may feel about you or the things he says to you etc, are a reflection of how he feels/sees himself. Try not to take some of the things he says personally, even though I'm sure thats hard to not do.


:iagree: This.

My husband tells me this all the time. He takes slight offense if I am not in a good mood and just look like I am unhappy with him when we are out in public. He also would like me to dress a little nicer around the house to show that I am trying to be attractive for him. I have a favorite pair of ratty jeans and an old tshirt of his that I like to wear around the house. But it's not attractive for him to see me in it every day, day in and day out....it makes him feel that I am not trying or putting in as much effort as he is to look nice and attractive for me.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Blue Moon said:


> No disrespect, but by trying to decode what he's saying, you're thinking like a woman. He's a man, whatever his statement was is most likely exactly what he meant. Using "Manspeak" or any type of coded language is taxing and your husband probably wasn't thinking that far in advance.
> 
> It doesn't sound like he was calling you ugly or anything harsh like that, just saying that if you're dressed in regular clothes, he's not gonna get any extraordinary sexual urges. What exactly that means in terms of what you could or should wear is totally up to your husband's taste.


:iagree:

But, if he is not trying, then why are you????


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jeff/BC said:


> It doesn't look like it requires much decoding to me. Sounds like he said exactly what he meant. He didn't find your current outfit attractive. Am I missing something?
> 
> *nods* So there's the rub. You two have a difference of opinion regarding fashion.
> 
> ...


No, he pretty much said what he meant, but didn't "explain" what he found attractive, just what he didn't, hence confusion.

Response wasn't made to him. I made it on the forum only (it was what I was thinking, wasn't actually verbally expressed to him).

Defensive, sure I can support that. Manner of delivery usually equals the manner of receipt. He was sitting there in a t-shirt and shorts with two days worth of growth on his face--you didn't hear me tell him he didn't look attractive. Truth is truth - I get that - but uncouth is uncouth. After 28+ years you would think he would understand what "type" of delivery works and what doesn't--this one doesn't.

I understood - I don't think you look attractive right now. Ok, then tell me why (details) - generalized comments do nothing for him or me. Can't correct what you don't know. 

You're response shows a blunt method of delivery. That's his problem and apparently yours too - that method does not work with everyone and doesn't work FOR ME.

But thanks for the input.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t know what he means.

I think my wife looks hot as hell in my 20 year old beat up dolphins jersey and nothing else.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You're response shows a blunt method of delivery. That's his problem and apparently yours too - that method does not work with everyone and doesn't work FOR ME.


sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Let me try again. It is clear that his statements are hurtful to you... and they ought to be. It's also clear that you resent him holding you to higher visual appearance standards than he holds himself to. You have every right to be aggravated. I'm going to speculate that there's a lot more under the covers that you are angry at... ditto with him.

But what did you hope to learn from this thread? Surely no guy here can tell you what's going on in his head. I find Carol sexy in all manner of things... everything from playboy lingerie to rope bondage to a tank-top and panties to... well.. all over the map.

Honestly, somehow or another, one of you needs to take their finger off the trigger. When I find myself in such situations, I assume that person better be me since I don't really want to wait for Carol to do it. Perhaps you could dress up in something you DO know he likes at some quiet time when you two are feeling reasonably close then ask him something like:

_Honey? How do you like this outfit? Do you have any clues on what other things you might like? What sorts of things would you find attractive that still fit into a non-bedroom mode? Let's go to the store this weekend and browse "house outfits" and see what we can find? Come on, it'll be fun and you'll get to see me model it all when we get home!_

I'd suggest you try to decouple your own anger points from the conversation... discuss those at some later date. In general I don't think it works very well to have two people batting their anger back and forth at each other. If you want him to be less slovenly then you can bring that up after you've made him happy. Yup, that's not fair or reasonable. But it may work.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Wow, maybe I am the odd man out here (not unusual around here) but I have to disagree with Mistys Dad.
> 
> I really could care less what you are wearing, if you are attractive to me, you are attractive to me regardless of what you are wearing. Of course I am much more attracted to natural beauty than all that caked on BS anyway..


TOTALLY!!!


When you claim to love someone you love them in everyway and shape ..
It doesn't matter if they're naked, dressed up, dressed down, t-shirt/jeans, lingerie, messy or tidy.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> When you claim to love someone you love them in everyway and shape ..
> It doesn't matter if they're naked, dressed up, dressed down, t-shirt/jeans, lingerie, messy or tidy.


so wait.. you're saying that absolutely nothing matters. Carol "loves" me so it makes no difference what I do. I can ignore her totally. I can beat her silly. I can have an affair. 

I'm afraid that's not how it works in our house. Neither of us have any expectation of unconditional love. Both of us fully understand that we must earn the love we desire. There's no free lunch for us.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> so wait.. you're saying that absolutely nothing matters. Carol "loves" me so it makes no difference what I do. I can ignore her totally. I can beat her silly. I can have an affair.
> 
> I'm afraid that's not how it works in our house. Neither of us have any expectation of unconditional love. Both of us fully understand that we must earn the love we desire. There's no free lunch for us.


I didn't mean to say nothing matters. But it really depends on the day, mood, moment, time of the day.. and so on.

The OP was right when saying that she didn't have to put on lingerie right after getting home from work when she had other stuff to do.
There's another time and place for lingerie. 
So I'm sure her husband was a no-brainer when he told her that. There's this saying that goes "most of the time men think with penis and not with brain" and I think her husband was fitting this perfectly well, at the moment. lol. 

Jokes aside, _partners should make an effort to get each other's attention but it really depends when and how. _
You can't expect your wife to wear lingerie all day, can you?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Depends on the day


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> TOTALLY!!!
> 
> 
> When you claim to love someone you love them in everyway and shape ..
> It doesn't matter if they're naked, dressed up, dressed down, t-shirt/jeans, lingerie, messy or tidy.



Now feel free to disagree, it's an opinion forum, and I like free speech.

However, think about this. 

You see your spouse wake up every morning and get dressed "up" for work. If they work with members of the opposite sex, you are watching them "dress to impress" for someone else. 

That's the real world.

Then your spouse comes home at the end of the day and dresses "down" with you. They get into the old sweatshirt or pajamas with feet and a snuggie. They are done for the day.

They are sending a very clear, even if unintentional, message that you come in second place. The "other people" in their lives rate higher.

That may be OK occasionally, even a couple of times a month. But, long term, is that the message you want to send to the person you love?

Again, there is a wide gap between "Not attractive" and lingerie. 

And so there is no doubt, that applies to both people in a relationship.

Also, I don't know the OP. She asked for a Man's opinion and I gave that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And, these things build over time.

My ex-wife let dishes pile to the sky and was completely disorganized when it came to keeping the house.

Yet, when her family was due to come over?

This lethargic, disorganized, unmotivated, overwhelmed wife found religion in housekeeping.

I eventually got the message.

Notice the term "ex" when I refer to her.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Blue Moon said:


> What exactly was dumb about his statement?


Go back and read the OP. He gives her a hard time about her robe, while he's sitting there like a slob himself. Unreal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband doesn't like to see me in my robe when he comes home. So I wear sexy nightgowns, chemises or pajamas. My jammies consist of low cut tight spaghetti strap tops and pants. The boobs turn my husband on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What a lot of you don’t know is the extensive problems MarriedWifeInLove has been through in her marriage.

Believe me if you knew some you would consider your posts insensitive in the least. She’s obviously struggling and I’ve a feeling it’s to do not only with her husband’s and her own problems and the additional problems between the two of them but also with the flood damage that’s she likely handling by herself.

I reckon that’s why she’s here. Normally she could cope with her usual problems, the flood has probably brought her here for a bit of empathy, compassion and understanding.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> The OP was right when saying that she didn't have to put on lingerie right after getting home from work when she had other stuff to do.


How would you define "right" here? 

Between Carol and I, the "right" answer is the one that produces the most smiles in our marriage. Correctness has nothing to do with fairness, reasonableness, convention or anything else. So I guess I'd say about the OP and her husband, "Are they, between them, making decisions to maximize the smile count?" 



> Jokes aside, _partners should make an effort to get each other's attention but it really depends when and how. _
> You can't expect your wife to wear lingerie all day, can you?


Some days I do. Other days it's flannel shirts and sawdust. For the most part what I expect Carol to wear has a lot to do with things like, "Well, is she painting in the living room or building furniture in the basement?" So while Carol does spend entire days being eye-candy for me, you are correct that this is tempered by the goings on of life.

In the specific situation given in this thread, I normally dress Carol in some comfy sweats and maybe a sheer lace tank top when she gets home. It's sexy but still comfy & casual... so we both win. I get the eye candy and she gets comfy. If I really wanted her in something outlandish for some reason, I'd have her wear that, give her a glass of wine, and have her sit and talk while I cooked. That way I could still have the outlandishly sexy eye-candy and she could unwind casually.

We like to find ways for both of us to win. Seldom do either of us think it's good when one gets their way and the other does not. That sort of thing is a hollow victory at best to us.

@AFEH
You are correct. If there's relevant background story I don't know it. All I knew was this post... a clothing question which was clearly the tip of the iceberg for a much larger problem.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I like the idea of you not changing into a nightgown but instead change into one of his shirts. A dress shirt if it's warm enough or a flannel shirt if it's chilly. Leave the top few buttons undone. That's just as easy as putting on a nightgown. 

When I get home my wife takes all her clothes off to talk to me about my day. She feels very comfortable wearing nothing. Looking at her nude body while we talk also helps me destress.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Mistys dad said:


> Now feel free to disagree, it's an opinion forum, and I like free speech.
> 
> However, think about this.
> 
> ...


Well I disagree but as I said maybe I am an anomaly. I dress up for work because I HAVE to not because I want to.

But overall I am not impressed by dress anyway. Stuffing you in a 3 piece suit makes you no smarter/better in my eyes. It's a mask. I know many an empty suit...

Now, of course it can be taken to extremes. Do I think you should be walking around in a baby puke covered tshirt and unkept hair, no, but you don't have to be prim and proper 24/7 for me...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

To be honest though most of the issue is the mindset of her husband. Honestly my wife can wear anything and I'll be turned on. She can be reading a book and I can get turned on just watching her.

It's because in my mind I just find her all manner of sexy. While I love lingerie, jewelry, makeup, etc. in the end it's my mindset that is the largest factor in how passionate I feel about her.

She can be dressed up in her sexiest outfit, but if my mind just isn't there I'm just not all that turned on. On the other hand when my mind is engaged, she can walk into the room with the dumbest rattiest t-shirt, and shorts with stains from cooking dinner and I'll be like all over her with every part of my body just longing and aching to be with her.

It's all in the mind, how you dress just helps the husband's mind to get into the correct mindset. I'm not trying to suggest that you don't have to ever do the little things to make yourself sexy for him, just saying there's another huge piece of the puzzle. 

IMO, OP you should remind your husband of that.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> I normally dress Carol in some comfy sweats and maybe a sheer lace tank top when she gets home. It's sexy but still comfy & casual... so we both win. I get the eye candy and she gets comfy. If I really wanted her in something outlandish for some reason, I'd have her wear that, give her a glass of wine, and have her sit and talk while I cooked. That way I could still have the outlandishly sexy eye-candy and she could unwind casually.


is Carol a blow-up doll? :scratchhead:


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

OP, I will just say that your husbands choice of words was insensitive at best.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> You see your spouse wake up every morning and get dressed "up" for work. If they work with members of the opposite sex, you are watching them "dress to impress" for someone else.


For work I have a dresscode so whether I like it or not, I have to respect it and it doesn't depend on me totally. Thus, it doesn't mean I have to impress others.



> They are sending a very clear, even if unintentional, message that you come in second place. The "other people" in their lives rate higher.


I would be looking it from another point of view. If I dress down when you're around it means that you make me feel comfortable and I can freely be myself when I'm with you.
You make me feel no complexity, because you love me just the way I am without having to struggle and wear something else to impress you. 



> That may be OK occasionally, even a couple of times a month. But, long term, is that the message you want to send to the person you love?


I didn't say you have to dress down everyday but it doesn't mean you have to dress up everyday when at home. 
Something in moderation would be okay.


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## MIMO (Oct 1, 2010)

Well, believe it or not! but this a very important subject in our everyday life. Talking like a man, whatever you see in the life everyday at the work, surfing the Internet, on the TV and through the window... It is all a moving world with different faces and people. What is happening inside the houses that with the time, some men, are seeing no more interest in their wives because of the way they act or wear. Some would complain about the extra covering and others about extra nudity... Well, we all agree about one thing is that the home is the place where you rest and where you just want to be yourself. Right? OK! that's fine but let me take it from the other side. You are in marriage life and that's means that you share your life with somebody. There should be an agreement code or just a common sens code that couples are agreeing on. I'd feel with that woman complaining about she doesn't know what to do and how to understand "manspeaking" and I'd also feel with that man who can't explain what he means (in Womanspeaking). Well, I went through all the replies. Some of them are really good! Actually most of them.
My share in the topic would be about that if women want to be attractive in men eyes inside the house they should at least show an effort for that.
Just imagine you as a woman (and that's what you mostly complaining about) that your husband coming back from work after a long day with dirty clothes and smelly body (I'm going a little bit to the extreme I know!) and then just quick change and he is resting in the house! What do you think? How you will react?
Now from the opposite side: A man seeing his wife leaving for work or just going out. The makeup takes about 20 min (fast!) and she is confused (most of the time) What to wear! How to look the best? and then when they are together in the house she'd just grab the first piece of cloth she finds!!! How you think the man is feeling? 

Just think about this and try to switch roles.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jeff/BC said:


> sometimes yes, sometimes no.
> 
> Let me try again. It is clear that his statements are hurtful to you... and they ought to be. It's also clear that you resent him holding you to higher visual appearance standards than he holds himself to. You have every right to be aggravated. I'm going to speculate that there's a lot more under the covers that you are angry at... ditto with him.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying.

But for some reason you think that I am angry. I'm not angry. I was hurt and confused--different emotions, different response.

Not angry then, not angry now.

And I am usually the one who gives in or backs off to keep the peace or get things settled. Since his TBI, he doesn't know the meaning of back off. 

He's closed off and very bad at expressing himself. He wasn't the king of it prior to the TBI and it's worse now, much worse.

It gets a little aggravating when he can't just come out and say it--I'm too old for games and I just want it in black and white. And unfortunately, I don't get that even though I've expressed to just be told the honest, unvarnished truth.

For whatever reason he can't or won't just come out and say it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> What a lot of you don’t know is the extensive problems MarriedWifeInLove has been through in her marriage.
> 
> Believe me if you knew some you would consider your posts insensitive in the least. She’s obviously struggling and I’ve a feeling it’s to do not only with her husband’s and her own problems and the additional problems between the two of them but also with the flood damage that’s she likely handling by herself.
> 
> I reckon that’s why she’s here. Normally she could cope with her usual problems, the flood has probably brought her here for a bit of empathy, compassion and understanding.


You might have just hit the nail on the head--can you come to my house and be my one-on-one counselor? HA

Thanks AFEH--always the voice of reason in a chaotic world. Appreciate it.


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