# Stuck and sad as... yeah.



## QuietRiot

Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. We did counseling and a lot of talking and he finally said he wanted to work it out and everything an idiot needs to believe he actually wanted to. Three months later I get a call from a friend that she sees him with some chick in public, so I go down there and catch them together in the parking lot, god knows where they were headed but I can guess. I somehow managed to control myself and not hurt the nasty little skank or my disgusting excuse for a husband. 
No I am no going to be that moron again, or ever again thank you very much. I am over all of my silly dreams of “overcoming infidelity” because I saw for myself what he was willing to ruin my life and my kids lives over, and it makes me physically sick. But here is the thing, I’m stuck in limbo until I can move out in 4 months so I feel like my healing is on hold until then, even though he is being decent now and not seeing her and being remorseful and kind because we have to live in the same house until then. (Just trust that there aren’t other options at this time and I want to keep an amicable arrangement for my own sake when negotiating the actual divorce) 
Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed. On the other, I physically puked for weeks just thinking about it, then it’s panic attacks, now I just.... can’t stop thinking about it over. And over. And over. She has tried to contact him since then and coerce him into responding. He hasn’t. Which has nothing to do with my demands he is actually trying to do the decent thing until I move out because he knows he’s destroyed all of lives. Anyways. I guess I’m just lost, grieving so deeply I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Literally. Hoping for advice on how to get through this so my little kids don’t have to deal with their mom being a mess. Do the visuals ever friggin stop? Do you ever feel like you aren’t being kicked in the face when you wake up?


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## Openminded

I’m sorry you find yourself here.

What eventually worked for me was time. A lot of time. There is no fast-forwarding the process. It takes as long as it takes. 

I thought my brain would never stop replaying the entire mess 24/7 but it finally did. In time, yours will too.


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## sokillme

Rest assured, I promise you without a shadow of a doubt you won't just be happy you will have laugh out loud joy again. I remember being exactly were you where when I caught the girl I asked to marry me cheating. It was brutal and I just knew I would never get over it. I WAS WRONG.

I remember thinking about it when I went to sleep and it being the first thing when I woke up. I remember it not being the first thing for about 2 seconds and then boom there it was. I remember asking the exact same question and then when people even my own mother gave me this same answer I do now, thinking, OK maybe for her but not for me. I WAS WRONG.

So here it the thing. His cheating is not a reflection on you but only on his poor character. That's it. (full stop.) Now maybe your marriage wasn't the best, but then whose is? That is marriage, if he had any character he would have tried to work on it with you and if it couldn't be worked on, leave with dignity. But that is the thing, I have a very hard time believing that the people who show their true selfish nature and cheat aren't much more likely to be the reason for the problems in the marriage to begin with.

I think you have probably started to learn a lesson about people like this man - at least I hope you have. The lesson is it's in their nature. The problem isn't outside forces it's them. Who they are. That is a very hard thing to fix, even the most remorseful have to spend a lot of energy every day fighting against it. But there are people whose nature is not to cheat. For whom the guilt of destroying another human being would not be worth an orgasm.

Now I know that all seemed like words to you. I remember. This may be, and hopefully it is the hardest thing you will ever go through in your entire life. And it's one of the worst for sure for anyone, maybe only a death of a child is worse, but you are going to get through it.

So right now you are grieving, and that is normal. You are also trying to recover from a great trauma. All normal. It's gonna take time. Your brain has to rewire. But there are some things you should do to help you.

Tell the other spouse, he deserves to know. It's the right thing to do. Don't tell your husband you are going to, just do it. If you have to wait until he moves out so be it, but that one act is a strong empowering one. It's the first step in taking back your agency. Make no mistake this is what this is. It's like rape in the sense that your husband took away your agency in your life, he took away you ability to make an informed decisions about your life and future. Time to take it back. That is part of how you get better.

If you are having trouble sleeping it's OK to go talk to your doctor and ask for something temporarily just to help you do so, so you can think clearly.

Go get some counseling. That can really help you make sense of what happened and put things into perspective, which is really hard when you are right in the middle of it. It can also help you learn what you missed. And just like I am willing to bet you will get better, I will also bet you missed signs. We all do because unfortunately you have to go through this to get it. Almost everyone has experienced this at one point in their life, it's just unfortunate for you you did after you were married with kids. But lots and lots of people have that same experience and their life turns out fine.

Post on here, and read the stories. You will see there is a very discernible pattern that cheaters follow and before long you can just tell because the stories are really all the same. There is only about 5 or 6 of them. This is depressing but a good thing because you will be very attuned to the nonsense right when it happens and you can get the **** out of dodge. (but that is for later). Also most of us have been through it and our attitude is going to help empower you. Just watch.

I highly suggest working out if you don't already do so. It is your bodies natural antidepressant. It releases endorphins and gives you tangible goals, and successes daily. Something to be proud of and results when you look in the mirror. This can go a long way to boosting your confidence. Then if there comes a time you are ready to go out there again you will be feeling like you are at your best.

Detach. Start to detach your life from your husband. Force yourself mentally to do it. It's hard but it has to be done. Your husband is now like a cancer on your life, you have to cut it out and have your daily pain of chemo to get better. You are not going to get better though if the cancer stays there.

Finally start to find your courage. What I mean by that is start to allow yourself to have some hope for your future. Yes this is a choice too. Sooner or later you are going to have to do that. There is a time to mourn and a time to get on with your life. I will give you what my Mom (who was cheated on by my father) told me was the lesson to get out of this. This was a very important bit of wisdom that she put in my life at the time when I was young, in the aftermath of my discovery, and one I tell everyone on here. (Though I have added some of my own to it.) You have to decide what you take from this. You can take that relationships are risky and never to trust again. Or once you get through it you can use it as a point of pride and most of all strength. The truth is, YES this very well may be the hardest thing you will ever go through, but after you get through it and you will, remind yourself no matter what other bad thing happens, if you can get through this you can get through anything. Many times in my life something bad will happen and I think, yeah but nothing was as bad as those 2 years. And here I am happy like it never happened.

You don't have to believe me, because it's gonna happen either way, but YOU WILL HAVE JOY AGAIN. There will be a time when you don't even think about this, and when you do it will hold no power at all. There will be a day where it's starting to wind down and you will realize the thought didn't cross your mind, and you will feel great relief because you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. The thing that gave it it's power, love will one day be gone. And you won't miss it, you may even think, he wasn't as good a husband as I thought, and my life is actually better.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I post here because there was a day I asked the same question you just did, and I felt the same way you do now. I post a lot on this site, but your post, your question is why I am here. Whenever someone asks I am sure all the other posters roll their eyes because SKM is going to post another diatribe. I post on here because people, friends, family told me the same answers and I didn't believe it, but I decided to act on it because I believed in them. I trusted that eventually I would get there even though I couldn't see it. This is my way of paying it back, because I remember. You are going to be where I am one day.

Here is some lite reading material for you in the mean time.

Something to put your hopes into.

Have hope. It's gonna be OK.


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## QuietRiot

Thank you so.much. You legit made me cry, in a good way for once. I am in counseling, and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this. I’m not sure if he is divorcing her or not. 
Sadly all the signs were abundant, I just ignored them and refused to beleive he’d possibly go that far. He actually did use that phrase “I’m not happy anymore, you never showed me enough love.” And I told him I wasn’t happy either but I didn’t find another man’s #*+% to jump on. It was a choice and I can’t forgive it TWICE.
coming to terms with the end of my family and life as I know it is what’s got me depressed as well, BUT, I’d rather be alone for life than live this way. 
Thank you so so so much. I REALLY needed this. I’m so glad I found you guys.


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## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> Thank you so.much. You legit made me cry, in a good way for once. I am in counseling, and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this. I’m not sure if he is divorcing her or not.
> Sadly all the signs were abundant, I just ignored them and refused to beleive he’d possibly go that far. He actually did use that phrase “I’m not happy anymore, you never showed me enough love.” And I told him I wasn’t happy either but I didn’t find another man’s #*+% to jump on. It was a choice and I can’t forgive it TWICE.
> coming to terms with the end of my family and life as I know it is what’s got me depressed as well, BUT, I’d rather be alone for life than live this way.
> Thank you so so so much. I REALLY needed this. I’m so glad I found you guys.


Your family is not over. It will just have to change. You will always have your kids. Not trying to dismiss the loss, just telling you not to assume the worst.

Sound like your head is in the right place. Standing up for yourself and refusing to accept abuse will put you on a faster track to healing now. 

Keep posting and reading. You don't know it yet but you are on your way.


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## 20yr

@QuietRiot - it gets better. But, it takes time. Counseling and talking to family and friends help. The friends here on TAM help too. You will go through cycles where you get sad and angry. You blame yourself and try to find reasons why it happened. Then, you get mad at yourself for not figuring it out sooner. It is all normal. 

Hugs.


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## Diana7

You will keep going because you have children who depend on you. Its not easy at.all, but only time will help. Seems weird that he has stopped seeing her now he knows you are ending the marriage but didnt before, do you think he is hoping that you will change your mind? Although you cant know that he is not still seeing her.

Is there any reason why he cant be the one to move out? It would be hard for your children to have to loose their home as well at this time. It must be hard to live in the same house, not sure I could or would do that, I would tell him to go.


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## Openminded

I continued living with my cheating ex for several months, while we worked out financial details, after I told him I was divorcing him. It was difficult in the beginning but he soon found a new girlfriend so I really didn’t see him that much. The day he finally moved out was the beginning of my new life. I’ve never looked back.


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## She'sStillGotIt

QuietRiot said:


> .... and her husband knows. He caught them together months ago and they continued to do this.


And her husband didn't bother to share this news with YOU? 

What a guy.

You'll be amazed at how wonderful it is to be on your own after dumping an assclown. Those were the best times of my life, hands down. You'll see.


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## QuietRiot

Diana7 said:


> You will keep going because you have children who depend on you. Its not easy at.all, but only time will help. Seems weird that he has stopped seeing her now he knows you are ending the marriage but didnt before, do you think he is hoping that you will change your mind? Although you cant know that he is not still seeing her.
> 
> Is there any reason why he cant be the one to move out? It would be hard for your children to have to loose their home as well at this time. It must be hard to live in the same house, not sure I could or would do that, I would tell him to go.


It’s easy to be on the fence when your wife is breaking her back to do this sick monkey dance to keep you, doing everything she can to make a new relationship, giving time to “make up his mind” and having scorching hot sex every day. And when he slipped back into the behavior and affair that ended. He lost me and for the first time in 17 years is actually feeling the loss of me. And not even completely! Physically I’m still here. He keeps saying he loves me he loves me I said, than you can prove it by not leading this single lifestyle until I leave and by helping me physically and financially leave you. He is doing both. I am a SAHM by the way.
The problem is housing inventory where we live. Rental and buying, which is why I’m getting into a new build, and I was VERY lucky to even be able to get the last lot in that development for the price I did. Neither of us have the type of family that wants or has room for us to movie in, among other issues. Different rooms is the best I can do presently. I cannot live in this house permanently because it’s too much for me to take care of, it has a pool, and lots of grass, the electricity in the summer is outrageous and I simply can’t afford it and I don’t want to live “house poor”. (The housing market has shot up and the house is worth a good deal more but he is paying me out the equity)
yes I know he wants to reconcile, but he does not breech the subject because he can feel the wall around my heart and I’ve NEVER been this way, even when I caught him the first time. I’ve shut down my emotions to him this time and refuse to speak of the affair, our family or feelings.so yes at some point he will probably bring it up but I’ve already got my rebuttals planned. I’m telling you, my heart cracked into dust that day and I can’t even be attracted to him anymore. I cringe when he says he loves me and he’s sorry because I don’t care. I don’t want that brand of love. Seeing them fixed me in a way. He told her he loved her too, and being a side piece in the back of a SUV in parking lots was enough for her, so she can have that brand of love it’s nowhere enough for me. But also, he is very self serving. There’s no ego trip in it anymore for him, the affair lost its excitement and now all he’s left with is the freedom to see a not extremely attractive chick with lots and lots of baggage, he doesn’t want it. He is a very good looking man, he can find someone else to get his jollies off easily with someone less encumbered. 
I’ve come to terms with just how selfish and shallow he is and I don’t see him wanting her anymore, she was used for a feeling and the cost benefit isn’t there anymore. she is obsessed and is still trying to get him to talk to her. He’s showed me the texts. It’s apparent he’s gone dark and she doesn’t like it. I’m hoping she’s not a psychopath and starts stalking our house or something. Do that after I move please.
Anyways, by no means am I safe from my heart, which is why I’m here. I’m terrified in the next 4 months he will weasel his way back in, but I’m trying to stay angry and strong. Which is probably why I feel stuck because I can’t heal when I’m protecting myself. 
thanks for listening!


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## QuietRiot

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And her husband didn't bother to share this news with YOU?


I thought the same thing, but then I don’t know if he ever knew my husbands name and then by relation my name. He caught them in restaurant or something and tried to fight but I guess my husband just left. That’s the story anyway, I believe it’s true judging by the texts I’ve seen from her.
I don’t think she ever gave up the details to him regarding names and how they met, I’m almost positive she and my husband planned out what they’d do if they got caught, and the pact to not give names was one of them. Yeah, nice right? I know I only have 10% of the story, I don’t care to have the other 90%. Funny that in the beginning I wanted every single detail and wanted to examine each thing he said with a microscope. Now? Keep your story and feelings to yourself. I don’t want to know anything, I saw what I needed to see. And it was worth millions of hours of explaining in those 60 seconds.
I guess for me it boils down to actions now. Words mean less than zero. It’s insulting to be told you’re loved when they stabbed you in the back thousands of times. It’s like slapping you in the face.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

You mentioned "while you move out".

Why would you be the one moving out?

He should be moving out.


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## QuietRiot

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You mentioned "while you move out".
> 
> Why would you be the one moving out?
> 
> He should be moving out.


I don’t want nor can I take care of this house. All the money I have and child support would be into the house. My new house will be paid 50% down, and I’ll be able to afford it and have a life.


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## Openminded

You are doing great and I mean that. I’ve been where you are. I know just how tough it is. 

My ex fought the divorce right up to the moment that he waltzed away with his new girlfriend. There was no possible way I could forgive him a second time (same AP as the first time). I finally woke up to who he really was and I didn’t like what I saw. He was a stranger. That was a defining moment and I’ve never forgotten it. 

Your STBX is probably realizing now what he’s losing and will likely try very hard to “fix” things before you move out. He will probably promise the moon and the stars if only you’ll give him another chance. Don’t. You’ll need to stay strong — very strong — but, believe me, it’ll be worth it.


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## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> Anyways, by no means am I safe from my heart, which is why I’m here. I’m terrified in the next 4 months he will weasel his way back in, but I’m trying to stay angry and strong. Which is probably why I feel stuck because I can’t heal when I’m protecting myself.
> thanks for listening!


You have complete control over this. Just don't let him. Everything you wrote is correct. You don't want that type of love. It brings no value to your life. The other part is to admit and believe there is love of value out there. So you an do better.


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## QuietRiot

Here is a question for those of you with young children, how did you break the news and what did you say? Advice on the best way to do this and what not to do. I’m talking 5 to 8 age group here.


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## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> You are doing great and I mean that. I’ve been where you are. I know just how tough it is.
> 
> My ex fought the divorce right up to the moment that he waltzed away with his new girlfriend. There was no possible way I could forgive him a second time (same AP as the first time). I finally woke up to who he really was and I didn’t like what I saw. He was a stranger. That was a defining moment and I’ve never forgotten it.
> 
> Your STBX is probably realizing now what he’s losing and will likely try very hard to “fix” things before you move out. He will probably promise the moon and the stars if only you’ll give him another chance. Don’t. You’ll need to stay strong — very strong — but, believe me, it’ll be worth it.


I feel exactly the same. I’ll never forgive and forget. It’s no way to live and I don’t even want to try anymore. It’s like I went from crazy all in to dead in 5 seconds. I have hope I won’t forget either. I don’t see how I can, it’s all I think about.


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## karole

Please, please, get a good attorney - the best! Just because your so-called husband is being cooperative now and promising you this and that, does not mean he will actually stick to it. The attorney will make sure you get what you deserve in the divorce. As soon as you can, file and get on with your life. Even before filing for divorce, get a separation agreement drawn up so that he cannot move money around or open any new loans or credit card accounts. Protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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## Casual Observer

20yr said:


> @QuietRiot - it gets better. But, it takes time. Counseling and talking to family and friends help. The friends here on TAM help too. You will go through cycles where you get sad and angry. You blame yourself and try to find reasons why it happened. Then, you get mad at yourself for not figuring it out sooner. It is all normal.
> 
> Hugs.


And if she reads your "book" here on TAM, she'll not have any idle time for the next 6 months or so and she'll have all her cycles validated.  But she won't qualify for a GED-equivalent detective license like you did. Her husband didn't seem very careful.


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## QuietRiot

Casual Observer said:


> And if she reads your "book" here on TAM, she'll not have any idle time for the next 6 months or so and she'll have all her cycles validated.  But she won't qualify for a GED-equivalent detective license like you did. Her husband didn't seem very careful.


Every time he was caught it was because they flaunted it in public. My counselor indicated that is very atypical behavior. I am reading these stories and thinking... wow I guess I’m just kind of the same old story then. That’s disgusting and liberating all at once.


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## Openminded

Your counselor is correct that flaunting it is atypical behavior. Most are much more careful but narcissists think they can get away with anything. Maybe your husband fits in that category. Mine did. He was another who flaunted it — they were just good friends, according to him — and only ever admitted to what I could prove and even then tried to spin it. Cheaters lie.


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## Casual Observer

QuietRiot said:


> Every time he was caught it was because they flaunted it in public. My counselor indicated that is very atypical behavior. I am reading these stories and thinking... wow I guess I’m just kind of the same old story then. That’s disgusting and liberating all at once.


I think you have a huge advantage over most because you have no questions about what a jerk he’s been, and you have no doubt it’s in his DNA to cheat so he’ll keep it up with future relationships. You will, in short, have no reason to second-guess your decision to leave.


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## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> Your counselor is correct that flaunting it is atypical behavior. Most are much more careful but narcissists think they can get away with anything. Maybe your husband fits in that category. Mine did. He was another who flaunted it — they were just good friends, according to him — and only ever admitted to what I could prove and even then tried to spin it. Cheaters lie.


I’m unsure as to what category to put him in. I can’t say he fits any... he throws a lot of curve balls but is giving me everything I ask for. He’s told me he would like to tell me why he’s done these things and clear the air so that I know it wasn’t about me. But I said no thank you and he’s been respectfully distant since then. He’s been moving the money to my account as agreed, he’s paying all the bills and paid my car off, hasnt so much as tried to move one dime from our joint account. He is being decent and upstanding in this part of things. Yes already consulted the lawyer and separation agreement is being drawn up and he hasn’t fought anything at all. I’m also not asking for anything but what I feel is fair, half of the stuff we accrued in marriage and a reasonable sum of child support which is more than the courts would even award me in the calculations. I have nothing to complain about now but my severely broken as5 heart and my life in tatters. (And I cant move out for 4 months) It hurts like a mother****er. Maybe because he has this ability for kindness it makes it hurt more. Sometimes it felt easier those two days he was a total jerk after being caught.


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## MattMatt

@QuietRiot counselling and psychotherapy in particular can help get the mind movies out of your head.


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## QuietRiot

MattMatt said:


> @QuietRiot counselling and psychotherapy in particular can help get the mind movies out of your head.


Definitely working on that with the counselor thank you!


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## QuietRiot

This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.” 
I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


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## Blondilocks

QuietRiot said:


> He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.”


Of course he wanted you to know. How else could he get you to take the blame. Continue to not engage him as that would only keep you mired in infidelity.

You're doing great!


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## Diana7

QuietRiot said:


> This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.”
> I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


Thst just makes me sick and shows he isnt taking responsibilty for what he has done and is doing what cheaters do, blaming you. My husband's ex did the same thing. Yet before you said he said 'He’s told me he would like to tell me why he’s done these things and clear the air so that I know it wasn’t about me'. So one minute it wasnt about you and the next its your fault. Sheesh. 
I suspect he is going to try and win you round over the coming weeks. You may need to just say that you dont want to hear any more about it as the marriage is over.


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## MattMatt

@QuietRiot this is what you need to do to your 'husband':-


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## Openminded

That‘s the No. 1 excuse in cheater-speak. They very rarely say they cheated because they’re a piece of trash. Instead, it’s because their spouse “made me feel (fill in the blank)“. And their first thought isn‘t to discuss that with their spouse. No, it’s to find some other piece of trash to have an affair with. Of course, he says he loves you. He may even be telling the truth. Most men who have affairs aren’t really interested in getting a divorce — it’s all about the excitement of that shiny new toy with no thought whatsoever to the devastation they’re causing. I like your response. I went bsc when I got that speech and scared myself as well as him. Calm is better.


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## PreRaph

QuietRiot said:


> This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.”
> I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


You did very well not to blow up in his face. In a way, that's what he would have liked, a show of emotion from you because that would have given him hope that you still love him. A cold and detached demeanor will deliver your message far, far better. His lines are total BS, a fishing for excuses so you won't divorce him. 

Learn about the 180 and do it.


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## oldshirt

QuietRiot said:


> Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed.


This reminds me of something that happened to a guy I know. He is not an actual personal friend but a guy I know through the community along with his ex wife. We are friends on facebook but that is about it. 

Anyway, they must have been having marital issues to the point that he hid cameras in the house and caught her on camera with her hand in the cookie jar. He actually posted the pictures of their tryst on Facebook with their faces and naughty bits blurred out. He posted the pictures along with the statement along the lines of "Let's see you deny your affair and say everything is my fault now!" 
Of course the pictures were only up for a few minutes before Facebook removed them but I happened to see them during those few minutes. 

The part that is haunting to me is even though the faces were blurred out, you could still see that she had the biggest smile and was very happy in the moment. That would have been soul-crushing for me if I had seen pictures of my wife smiling like that whilst in the middle of a tryst. She hasn't smiled or laughed like that with me in years and if I were to see that, there would be no coming back. 

So what does this have to do with your question on how to cope?? You said it yourself up above that I quoted - it was proof of the death of your marriage. It is a death. It is the death of the future of the partnership. You are both still living as individual beings, but your partnership and marriage have died. 

You cope and deal with it as you do the death of someone close to you. Initially shock and horror. Denial. Depression. Anger, Negotiating etc etc all the regular stages of grief. 

And then in time acceptance and moving on with your life without them. 

Life does go on and in time it becomes a good life. But not with that person any longer. Eventually the hole left by their absence fills in.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.”
> I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


A good response is - "Yep this is how your love works. You love me but if I am not everything that you feel you need you will do the most hurtful thing possible, without a thought." Dudes love is worthless. It's crap, It's worse the worthless because it does the opposite of what love does, it actually cause pain not joy.

It's like a Bank that steals from you.

That is the lesson for today that both WS and BS need to understand.

- Being loved by a cheater does the opposite of what love is supposed to do, it causes pain not joy.

Which is why it's silly to pine after them like something of value has been lost. You're better off without them.

It's like Bezaro-love.


----------



## QuietRiot

Diana7 said:


> Thst just makes me sick and shows he isnt taking responsibilty for what he has done and is doing what cheaters do, blaming you. My husband's ex did the same thing. Yet before you said he said 'He’s told me he would like to tell me why he’s done these things and clear the air so that I know it wasn’t about me'. So one minute it wasnt about you and the next its your fault. Sheesh.
> I suspect he is going to try and win you round over the coming weeks. You may need to just say that you dont want to hear any more about it as the marriage is over.


Right! He thinks in that sick little brain that he is actually saying all the right things. I’m so grossed out.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> That‘s the No. 1 excuse in cheater-speak. They very rarely say they cheated because they’re a piece of trash. Instead, it’s because their spouse “made me feel (fill in the blank)“. And their first thought isn‘t to discuss that with their spouse. No, it’s to find some other piece of trash to have an affair with. Of course, he says he loves you. He may even be telling the truth. Most men who have affairs aren’t really interested in getting a divorce — it’s all about the excitement of that shiny new toy with no thought whatsoever to the devastation they’re causing. I like your response. I went bsc when I got that speech and scared myself as well as him. Calm is better.


Did he ever change history on you? I swear he’s convinced himself and twisted conversations from 10 years ago to fit his “I’m unloved” mentality. Said we have had conversations for 10 years about this, and no... we didn’t. We had conversations every so often like,”I need to feel affection when I come home”, I hug and smile at him when he comes home every day, then it’s “I’m not getting enough kissing” I give him more kissing, “I don’t think you actually WANT to be intimate with me you just are doing it like it’s a job.” Seriously?!?!? None of this matters. I just find it interesting that history suddenly became completely different... I have ignored his desperate pleas for affection for a decade and he tried so so hard to fix it! And it’s complete and utter fallacy. I’m on an angry and resentful rant today. I apologize. Lol


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> Did he ever change history on you? I swear he’s convinced himself and twisted conversations from 10 years ago to fit his “I’m unloved” mentality. Said we have had conversations for 10 years about this, and no... we didn’t. We had conversations every so often like,”I need to feel affection when I come home”, I hug and smile at him when he comes home every day, then it’s “I’m not getting enough kissing” I give him more kissing, “I don’t think you actually WANT to be intimate with me you just are doing it like it’s a job.” Seriously?!?!? None of this matters. I just find it interesting that history suddenly became completely different... I have ignored his desperate pleas for affection for a decade and he tried so so hard to fix it! And it’s complete and utter fallacy. I’m on an angry and resentful rant today. I apologize. Lol


Yep. Rewriting history is what they do. It helps them justify what they did so you can 100% be the bad guy. They’re just the unloved and unappreciated little victim whose zipper suddenly fell open around some woman whose panties suddenly dropped and they both somehow tripped and fell to the ground and, well… Doesn’t that happen to everyone all the time? Not their fault at all.


----------



## lucy999

I know you are in the most incredible pain. It leaps off the page as I read your posts. And I am so sorry.

But you know what? I don't even know you but I am so confident that you are going to come through this like a warrior. You have a good head on your shoulders and you aren't going to tolerate this crap. 

You will be ok. More than ok. Life is fabulous on the other side.

If you feel your steely resolve weakening (and you will-it's totally normal), Google Chump Lady. She has a blog that is so helpful for those of us that have experienced infidelity. She parses things out in a straight-shooter yet humorous way.


----------



## Gabriel

He is rewriting history - it's common. Most cheaters backfill to justify their actions because it doesn't compute in their brain that they can be this evil to someone.

These interactions are EXACTLY why you really shouldn't be living together. But I understand you can't do that.

So this is what you do.

Go up to him and say something like this,

"Husband, while we are forced to co-habitate, you are not to talk to me unless it is absolutely necessary to deal with one of our children, or financial business that requires my input. Do not speak to me about your affair, or try to apologize, or placate me, or try to explain yourself. Do not make small talk with me, talk about friends etc. You are no longer my partner and this is just a business relationship until I can settle into my new home. End of story."

Then walk away.


----------



## QuietRiot

lucy999 said:


> I know you are in the most incredible pain. It leaps off the page as I read your posts. And I am so sorry.
> 
> But you know what? I don't even know you but I am so confident that you are going to come through this like a warrior. You have a good head on your shoulders and you aren't going to tolerate this crap.
> 
> You will be ok. More than ok. Life is fabulous on the other side.
> 
> If you feel your steely resolve weakening (and you will-it's totally normal), Google Chump Lady. She has a blog that is so helpful for those of us that have experienced infidelity. She parses things out in a straight-shooter yet humorous way.


Thank you! I have purchased her book and plan to take a look at that when it arrives. In the mean time I’ll be perusing her website. 
it’s very hard to face this level of pain day in and day out. But I realize there is no way to do anything but live through it. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach, and I can’t even breathe. And sometime I’m so righteously angry I want to kill with much bloodshed, and every once in awhile I feel hopeful. I keep living and hoping for my kids and for myself. I want us to be blissfully happy one day and I know I can get there.

He asked if we could “talk” tonight. The dreaded discussion is coming. The thought of it makes me sick right now, not going to lie.


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> He is rewriting history - it's common. Most cheaters backfill to justify their actions because it doesn't compute in their brain that they can be this evil to someone.
> 
> These interactions are EXACTLY why you really shouldn't be living together. But I understand you can't do that.
> 
> So this is what you do.
> 
> Go up to him and say something like this,
> 
> "Husband, while we are forced to co-habitate, you are not to talk to me unless it is absolutely necessary to deal with one of our children, or financial business that requires my input. Do not speak to me about your affair, or try to apologize, or placate me, or try to explain yourself. Do not make small talk with me, talk about friends etc. You are no longer my partner and this is just a business relationship until I can settle into my new home. End of story."
> 
> Then walk away.


Funny, I’ll have the opportunity to do that tonight. I’ll let you know how that goes.


----------



## Openminded

Like many cheaters, he was just having a little fun and never intended to get a divorce. So now he’s likely very shocked and dismayed that you want out. And he will probably promise anything to get you to stay. (Unless, of course, he wants to talk about what a good idea the divorce is now that he’s had time to think about it? Maybe?) 

There‘s absolutely nothing easy about this. There just isn’t. But you can and will get through it and rebuild your life and be happy again. That’s what I told myself when I was going through it and it all turned out to be true. It’ll be true for you too. But you have a lot of stuff to get through first. And you will.


----------



## lucy999

QuietRiot said:


> He asked if we could “talk” tonight. The dreaded discussion is coming. The thought of it makes me sick right now, not going to lie.


Know that you don't have to be a captive audience to him. No is a complete sentence. If you don't want to talk, then don't. But you know what is best for you.

Your response to his statement earlier was *_chef's kiss._

Good luck.


----------



## MattMatt

We are here for you, @QuietRiot.


----------



## lifeistooshort

"Can we talk" is phony cheater speak for "can I ******** you to get you to forget about the fact that I'm a low character scumbag and let me stay".


----------



## QuietRiot

When I get really stressed out I get this cold tingly feeling in my chest and my heart starts pounding... I have to work very hard not to have a panic attack. 
Well that’s what it was like today, just dreading it. And basically he said “I’m going to back off, I know I’m not being fair and It’s making things harder on you. I’m here if you need to talk and just let me know if you need anything.” All well and good right? WRONG! “And always know I love you.” 
My response was, “Right, I need to not have these little chats anymore. Thanks for trying to be nice but it’s not doing me any favors.” He held up his hands like I was telling him he was being arrested, and said “Okay got it.” Looked like a kicked puppy. And I felt bad. Can you friggin imagine that I would feel sorry for HIM? Me, the person stomped and dragged through the mud, feeling bad for the pig who drug me through it! 
I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle. 

Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.


----------



## aine

Good for you, just keep doing the 180 for you, detach detach detach. Be calm, only engage about the kids and the house. You can do this.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.
> 
> Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.


That came from years of loving and wanting to be his partner. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually a great thing. It's just he is unworthy of that now. Don't worry your heart will catch up. But you shouldn't feel bad about it.


----------



## QuietRiot

aine said:


> Good for you, just keep doing the 180 for you, detach detach detach. Be calm, only engage about the kids and the house. You can do this.


I need to learn more about this 180 you all keep mentioning.


----------



## MattMatt

QuietRiot said:


> When I get really stressed out I get this cold tingly feeling in my chest and my heart starts pounding... I have to work very hard not to have a panic attack.
> Well that’s what it was like today, just dreading it. And basically he said “I’m going to back off, I know I’m not being fair and It’s making things harder on you. I’m here if you need to talk and just let me know if you need anything.” All well and good right? WRONG! “And always know I love you.”
> My response was, “Right, I need to not have these little chats anymore. Thanks for trying to be nice but it’s not doing me any favors.” He held up his hands like I was telling him he was being arrested, and said “Okay got it.” Looked like a kicked puppy. And I felt bad. Can you friggin imagine that I would feel sorry for HIM? Me, the person stomped and dragged through the mud, feeling bad for the pig who drug me through it!
> I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.
> 
> Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.


This is because you are a good person who he doesn't deserve.


----------



## aine

QuietRiot said:


> I need to learn more about this 180 you all keep mentioning.











The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


----------



## QuietRiot

aine said:


> The 180
> 
> 
> Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…
> 
> 
> 
> 
> beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


Ok I get it. For the most part I’m pretty in track with this, except the happy bubbly “I don’t care” attitude which I can’t muster up or even pretend. Thank you for this info, it’s good to have a guide!


----------



## Openminded

Yeah, I couldn’t do happy and bubbly when I wasn’t. I‘m not that big a faker. I was very comfortable with civil but distant and kept that up for months until he moved out.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> That came from years of loving and wanting to be his partner. Nothing wrong with that, it's actually a great thing. It's just he is unworthy of that now. Don't worry your heart will catch up. But you shouldn't feel bad about it.


I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.

I’m utterly humiliated.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> Yeah, I couldn’t do happy and bubbly when I wasn’t. I‘m not that big a faker. I was very comfortable with civil but distant and kept that up for months until he moved out.


That’s just like what I’m living. 4 months can’t go soon enough. Thank you for the hope it will work out for me in the end. Need the light at the end of the tunnel.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> That’s just like what I’m living. 4 months can’t go soon enough. Thank you for the hope it will work out for me in the end. Need the light at the end of the tunnel.


It absolutely will. I was determined that I would have a good life after the mess of my marriage and I do. So will you.


----------



## jlg07

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.
> 
> I’m utterly humiliated.


You don't need to be humiliated -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. HE is the POS that did this to you, and if your "friends" supported this by NOT telling you, they are also POS's and you need to get them out of your life. THEY should be humiliated and guilty for not having the moral fiber to tell you.


----------



## QuietRiot

jlg07 said:


> You don't need to be humiliated -- YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. HE is the POS that did this to you, and if your "friends" supported this by NOT telling you, they are also POS's and you need to get them out of your life. THEY should be humiliated and guilty for not having the moral fiber to tell you.


God! I know you are right, but I’m so embarrassed. Just thinking they were behind my back thinking what an idiot I was while he ran around with his *****, pretending to care about me to my face. I mean yeah, I don’t need anyone like that in my life. It’s true. He made a mockery of me in so many ways. 
Ok reeling it in. I can be better than all of them. He can have all of those “friends” for himself. It’s good that I know, it’s good that I know every person that I don’t want in my life. You’re right. Thank you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Openminded said:


> It absolutely will. I was determined that I would have a good life after the mess of my marriage and I do. So will you.


Yeah, I was the same way. My ex is as phony as they come and I think he genuinely did not understand why i couldn't paint a phony smile on my face like him. But I'm not a phony so I was civil and distant, which was fine for me. The opposite of love isn't hate....its indifference.

Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.


----------



## QuietRiot

lifeistooshort said:


> Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.


It was just the suggestion on the 180 page, and the only one I don’t have in practice. Makes sense that if you seem happy without the betrayer it bothers them more, let’s them know your life is fine without them in it. but I don’t have it in me to pretend, and if I were a great actress I’d be in Hollywood not this poop pile. 

By the way I’m reading ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’. Lots of science based research and studies on what happens to the victim of infidelity, and why physiologically its unnatural to stay with a cheater, which is why most relationships don’t work out afterward. Very interesting stuff, and very validating and eye opening. Also got my Chump Lady book and will get to that one next.


----------



## Openminded

lifeistooshort said:


> Yeah, I was the same way. My ex is as phony as they come and I think he genuinely did not understand why i couldn't paint a phony smile on my face like him. But I'm not a phony so I was civil and distant, which was fine for me. The opposite of love isn't hate....its indifference.
> 
> Why would one need to be bubbly and happy? Just deal with him like any casual aquaintenance that you care little for.


Yeah, mine was a total fake with his little happy face. I’m not that way.


----------



## lifeistooshort

QuietRiot said:


> It was just the suggestion on the 180 page, and the only one I don’t have in practice. Makes sense that if you seem happy without the betrayer it bothers them more, let’s them know your life is fine without them in it. but I don’t have it in me to pretend, and if I were a great actress I’d be in Hollywood not this poop pile.
> 
> By the way I’m reading ‘Cheating in a Nutshell’. Lots of science based research and studies on what happens to the victim of infidelity, and why physiologically its unnatural to stay with a cheater, which is why most relationships don’t work out afterward. Very interesting stuff, and very validating and eye opening. Also got my Chump Lady book and will get to that one next.


I have trouble with that precisely because it's so phony. Like us women aren't often told to "smile".

I smile when I want to smile...i actually do smile a lot but only when I feel like it.. If one is not ok with that they can **** right off. The detachment is what's important because you want to remove his ability to influence your moods and emotions.

Just treat him like he's not important because he's not.


----------



## UndecidedinNY

QuietRiot said:


> The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms.


Oh my gosh, I feel for you! This is painful to imagine!!

PS I would tell her husband. Blow up her life too.


----------



## UndecidedinNY

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And her husband didn't bother to share this news with YOU?
> 
> What a guy.
> 
> You'll be amazed at how wonderful it is to be on your own after dumping an assclown. Those were the best times of my life, hands down. You'll see.


If her own husband couldn't care less, your husband is tying himself to a loser, and that will be a great punishment for you to witness very shortly.


----------



## aine

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.
> 
> I’m utterly humiliated.


that is totally on them. Keep your head high. You STbxH is the POS here as are any of his accomplices.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.
> 
> I’m utterly humiliated.


Don't be humiliated. **** those assholes. Why would you allow someone like that to humiliate you. You did the right thing.


----------



## QuietRiot

UndecidedinNY said:


> If her own husband couldn't care less, your husband is tying himself to a loser, and that will be a great punishment for you to witness very shortly.


My husband is done with her. He says she wasn’t worth what he caused to our family and he realizes that now. I say she was just an easy, free and fun ego boost and she’s lost her luster. I’m pretty certain he will screw his way through half the city when I move out. I just hope he disinfects before the kids come visit. 
You all are very very right that once you are done, that’s when they start putting in effort to “save” things. I am almost thankful that I didn’t know this the first time because I might still be miserably trying to “forgive” him and “work it out”. I may be sad and depressed and traumatized, but I feel RELIEF. I don’t have to try ever again. I’m free.


----------



## Openminded

My ex-husband also dumped his long-term AP when I told him I was divorcing him. He then found someone on a dating app and married her five minutes after the divorce was finalized. All the time telling me how much he loved me. Right.

I forgave him the first time I found out about her but I wasn’t that stupid the second time. I woke up. He never expected that.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> My husband is done with her. He says she wasn’t worth what he caused to our family and he realizes that now. I say she was just an easy, free and fun ego boost and she’s lost her luster. I’m pretty certain he will screw his way through half the city when I move out. I just hope he disinfects before the kids come visit.
> You all are very very right that once you are done, that’s when they start putting in effort to “save” things. I am almost thankful that I didn’t know this the first time because I might still be miserably trying to “forgive” him and “work it out”. I may be sad and depressed and traumatized, but I feel RELIEF. I don’t have to try ever again. I’m free.


QuietRiot? Come on my friend, why would you believe he is done with her or even a word he says? Now you know you know better then that. Dudes a two time proven liar. You need to start operating on who he has proven to be not your past experience with him. If you get anything from this it's that, believe people by their actions not their words.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> QuietRiot? Come on my friend, why would you believe he is done with her or even a word he says? Now you know you know better then that. Dudes a two time proven liar. You need to start operating on who he has proven to be not your past experience with him. If you get anything from this it's that, believe people by their actions not their words.


You are right! Nothing he says is full truth and most is lies. 

He forwards me all of her attempts at communication with him. I told him to stop, I don’t want to see or hear anything about her, I couldn’t resist looking at first but now I just ignore and delete them, if I didn’t hate her guts I’d feel sorry for her. Gloating doesn’t even make me feel better.
He’s offered to turn his GPS on. He sends me location pings of where he is when he leaves. All the stuff he refused to do when I found out the first time and I no longer want. I ignore it all and say nothing, I’m not asking for any of this stuff now!

I think the main point is, they can have each other. And now he doesn’t seem to want it. That could change at any time... absolutely, if he was really serious about getting rid of her he wouldn’t be ghosting her, he’d tell her in no uncertain terms to eff off. But, it won’t make a bit of difference to my future and plan of action. I’m set and moving toward my goal. My actions are no longer contingent on his.


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> I feel exactly the same. I’ll never forgive and forget. It’s no way to live and I don’t even want to try anymore. It’s like I went from crazy all in to dead in 5 seconds. I have hope I won’t forget either. I don’t see how I can, it’s all I think about.


I know what he did is beyond terrible. For your own peace of mind, try to forgive him one day. That doesn’t mean you stay with the cheating POS.


You are going to be interacting with each other for a long time still. Forgive and move on with your life without him.


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.”
> I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


I would have been cheering you on as you told him off. 🤬🤬🤬

Not that he deserves any response from you, just that it was a chance to let some of the anger out for your own health. You need and release from your pressure valve.


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> When I get really stressed out I get this cold tingly feeling in my chest and my heart starts pounding... I have to work very hard not to have a panic attack.
> Well that’s what it was like today, just dreading it. And basically he said “I’m going to back off, I know I’m not being fair and It’s making things harder on you. I’m here if you need to talk and just let me know if you need anything.” All well and good right? WRONG! “And always know I love you.”
> My response was, “Right, I need to not have these little chats anymore. Thanks for trying to be nice but it’s not doing me any favors.” He held up his hands like I was telling him he was being arrested, and said “Okay got it.” Looked like a kicked puppy. And I felt bad. Can you friggin imagine that I would feel sorry for HIM? Me, the person stomped and dragged through the mud, feeling bad for the pig who drug me through it!
> I thankfully kept my traitorous heart under control and my mouth zipped and hightailed it out of there until I could get my head screwed back on right. At no point did I want to try and “get him back” but I wanted to... hug him and pat his back. Where the hell did that come from? It’s possible he knows me more than I know me and I’m being played like a cheap fiddle.
> 
> Separation agreement should be completed and signed this week, Filed next week, though even after its through the court it doesn’t actually apply until I’m out of the house. One small step toward the door. Terrifying and satisfying at the same time.


Old habits are hard to break.


----------



## QuietRiot

ABHale said:


> I know what he did is beyond terrible. For your own peace of mind, try to forgive him one day. That doesn’t mean you stay with the cheating POS.
> 
> 
> You are going to be interacting with each other for a long time still. Forgive and move on with your life without him.


To be honest, I’m not sure what forgiveness means in this situation. I will definitely move forward with my life. Maybe forgiveness means not being held back by the way things happened and feeling victimized anymore. I guess I’ll know when I get there. Or maybe I won’t care.


----------



## Diana7

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve come to find out that it is likely many of the people we were friends with as a family knew, and one may have met the skank before I knew about anything. People who I thought were good people... I’m not sure how far the secrets and lies went, but if it’s true... I’ve been betrayed by many many more people than just him. The punches just keep coming.
> 
> I’m utterly humiliated.


Thats awful, why didnt one of them tell you?


----------



## ABHale

You forgiven him will be just like you forgive others. Your not wishing the karma train to run him over any longer.

That is how I know I am ready to forgive.


----------



## QuietRiot

Diana7 said:


> Thats awful, why didnt one of them tell you?


Because nobody likes to “cause drama” or “it’s not their business” or whatever rationalization they tell themselves. Or maybe the worst one of all “she should’ve known who she married, it’s her own fault”. I’ve heard people say that one before.


----------



## oldshirt

QuietRiot said:


> Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. up?


This is just kind of a sidebar comment, but I don't think any cheater is ever confused about what they want. 

What they want is to screw whoever, whenever, wherever and however they want and not have any repercussions or consequences. That is what they want. 

If he wanted to be with you only, he would not have cheated. 

If he wanted to be with her, he would have left you and gone with her. 

If he didn't want either of you, he would have left you, moved into some old lady's rental bungalow and bought several motorcycles. 

He wanted to bang both of you and wanted to keep you around to deal with the domestic and family stuff and keep the kids out of his hair and he wanted to get with her for NSA fun and games. 

So he wasn't the least bit confused about what he wanted. He was simply brainstorming and back pedalling to try to figure out how keep as much of all the benefits as possible once he got busted. 

They're never confused about what they want. They just have to do some scrambling and verbal judo to try to keep as much of the cake as they can once they get caught.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> My ex-husband also dumped his long-term AP when I told him I was divorcing him. He then found someone on a dating app and married her five minutes after the divorce was finalized. All the time telling me how much he loved me. Right.
> 
> I forgave him the first time I found out about her but I wasn’t that stupid the second time. I woke up. He never expected that.


I need a pep talk. Or a bucket of cold water. Something.

So I am usually strong and angry, enough to not care what he is doing or where he is, though he provides some of that information anyway as his “trying to win me back” bull crap. What I’m having issues with sometimes, is that the need to know what he is doing and who he is with hits me randomly. Like today, the urge to know if he’s actually where he says he is is very strong. I DONT WANT TO CARE! Why does it matter who he is with or what he is doing with them? Having these very strong desires to text and make demands. Then I say how ridiculous! What is wrong with me!?!? Then 5 minutes later, it’s there again. Is this my future? Will it be easier when I am actually moved out and I don’t have to be witness to the comings and goings? Or will it be harder, knowing he is playing happy single life all the time, and meanwhile I’m still trying to mourn my losses... 

Anyways, don’t worry, I am NOT texting or calling him for any of this, I guess I just wanted help with it. And yes staying busy is already on my agenda, it’s just difficult to concentrate with this stupid anxiety about what he is doing. It absolutely serves no purpose.


----------



## QuietRiot

oldshirt said:


> This is just kind of a sidebar comment, but I don't think any cheater is ever confused about what they want.
> 
> What they want is to screw whoever, whenever, wherever and however they want and not have any repercussions or consequences. That is what they want.
> 
> If he wanted to be with you only, he would not have cheated.
> 
> If he wanted to be with her, he would have left you and gone with her.
> 
> If he didn't want either of you, he would have left you, moved into some old lady's rental bungalow and bought several motorcycles.
> 
> He wanted to bang both of you and wanted to keep you around to deal with the domestic and family stuff and keep the kids out of his hair and he wanted to get with her for NSA fun and games.
> 
> So he wasn't the least bit confused about what he wanted. He was simply brainstorming and back pedalling to try to figure out how keep as much of all the benefits as possible once he got busted.
> 
> They're never confused about what they want. They just have to do some scrambling and verbal judo to try to keep as much of the cake as they can once they get caught.


You are 100% correct. And there was a lot of blame shifting that I was the reason he may not want to stay, my behaviors...that HE would have to see ME make changes! I was totally drinking the kool aid in round 1. I wish I could rewind and slap myself across the face for buying into that garbage.


----------



## sunsetmist

You are human. He is just proving what he is--over and over--that's rather helpful, I think.


----------



## oldshirt

QuietRiot said:


> I need a pep talk. Or a bucket of cold water. Something.
> 
> So I am usually strong and angry, enough to not care what he is doing or where he is, though he provides some of that information anyway as his “trying to win me back” bull crap. What I’m having issues with sometimes, is that the need to know what he is doing and who he is with hits me randomly. Like today, the urge to know if he’s actually where he says he is is very strong. I DONT WANT TO CARE! Why does it matter who he is with or what he is doing with them? Having these very strong desires to text and make demands. Then I say how ridiculous! What is wrong with me!?!? Then 5 minutes later, it’s there again. Is this my future? Will it be easier when I am actually moved out and I don’t have to be witness to the comings and goings? Or will it be harder, knowing he is playing happy single life all the time, and meanwhile I’m still trying to mourn my losses...
> 
> Anyways, don’t worry, I am NOT texting or calling him for any of this, I guess I just wanted help with it. And yes staying busy is already on my agenda, it’s just difficult to concentrate with this stupid anxiety about what he is doing. It absolutely serves no purpose.


You need to start checking out the Chumplady website. 

In fact your story is good enough to be one of her feature stories so you should write to her and tell her all of this. 

So far you are following the script to the letter and falling into all the standard pitfalls and mistakes etc as well as starting to see the light in little glimmers at a time. 

In due time you will fully see the light and reach the goal of simply not caring and no longer letting it influence you or your actions. Indifference is the real nirvana here (better described as "m'eh". And according to Chumplady it will happen on Tuesday. We just don't know which Tuesday. 

The quickest and most efficient route to 'meh' is go Greyrock and not call him, txt him, return his calls/txts, don't stalk him on social media, don't let friends/family talk to you about him - in essence don't do anything that you legally are not required to do and even then go through lawyers as much as possible. 

Also carry on with your own life without regards to him. Go wine tasting with your girlfriends. Take that yoga class you've been wanting to. Run a sprint triathlon and try to get last place (try it, it's actually hard to come in last place LOL) Go camping etc etc etc etc 

Heck for all I care put up a profile on Tinder and start going on dates or hook up with dudes at the gym or put a post on a swinger's site to be a single chick in some hot couple's threesome, I don't care. 

My point is, start doing whatever YOU want to do without regards to him or what he thinks or what he wants. That is what moving on is. 

When you stop fussing about him and start living your life for yourself without regard to him, you reach 'meh' and indifference surprisingly quickly. 

When you are road tripping with your GFs, partaking in activities and endeavors that you are interested in and have your legs over Sven From Yoga's shoulders, he won't even be a blip on your radar after awhile.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> I need a pep talk. Or a bucket of cold water. Something.
> 
> So I am usually strong and angry, enough to not care what he is doing or where he is, though he provides some of that information anyway as his “trying to win me back” bull crap. What I’m having issues with sometimes, is that the need to know what he is doing and who he is with hits me randomly. Like today, the urge to know if he’s actually where he says he is is very strong. I DONT WANT TO CARE! Why does it matter who he is with or what he is doing with them? Having these very strong desires to text and make demands. Then I say how ridiculous! What is wrong with me!?!? Then 5 minutes later, it’s there again. Is this my future? Will it be easier when I am actually moved out and I don’t have to be witness to the comings and goings? Or will it be harder, knowing he is playing happy single life all the time, and meanwhile I’m still trying to mourn my losses...
> 
> Anyways, don’t worry, I am NOT texting or calling him for any of this, I guess I just wanted help with it. And yes staying busy is already on my agenda, it’s just difficult to concentrate with this stupid anxiety about what he is doing. It absolutely serves no purpose.


I know. All too well, I know exactly what that’s like.

It’s just difficult sometimes to think clearly when you’re dealing with emotions.


----------



## jlg07

QuietRiot said:


> I need a pep talk. Or a bucket of cold water. Something.
> 
> So I am usually strong and angry, enough to not care what he is doing or where he is, though he provides some of that information anyway as his “trying to win me back” bull crap. What I’m having issues with sometimes, is that the need to know what he is doing and who he is with hits me randomly. Like today, the urge to know if he’s actually where he says he is is very strong. I DONT WANT TO CARE! Why does it matter who he is with or what he is doing with them? Having these very strong desires to text and make demands. Then I say how ridiculous! What is wrong with me!?!? Then 5 minutes later, it’s there again. Is this my future? Will it be easier when I am actually moved out and I don’t have to be witness to the comings and goings? Or will it be harder, knowing he is playing happy single life all the time, and meanwhile I’m still trying to mourn my losses...
> 
> Anyways, don’t worry, I am NOT texting or calling him for any of this, I guess I just wanted help with it. And yes staying busy is already on my agenda, it’s just difficult to concentrate with this stupid anxiety about what he is doing. It absolutely serves no purpose.


This is called PAIN shopping -- you just want to know and it will continue the pain you feel. 
DO NOT worry about him -- it is time to worry about YOU now. Your "Don't want to care" WILL come -- but you hurt now because YOU loved him. You will start to detach and THIS will help you move on and forget about this cheater.


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## QuietRiot

Amazing advice, thank you all. And I was unaware she had a website, I am starting the Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life tonight!!! 
I have to say, I have felt EXTREMELY lonely in this endeavor until I came here. I can’t even express how much relief I feel just knowing that my issues are not unique or new, there are people that have come out of this and become what I aspire to be. Many people. 
I am going to check out her website right now.


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## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> Amazing advice, thank you all. And I was unaware she had a website, I am starting the Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life tonight!!!
> I have to say, I have felt EXTREMELY lonely in this endeavor until I came here. I can’t even express how much relief I feel just knowing that my issues are not unique or new, there are people that have come out of this and become what I aspire to be. Many people.
> I am going to check out her website right now.


She is member her by the way.


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## Gabriel

Yes, this site is a good source of company. Just be careful not to use this in lieu of live friends. You need an advocate or two in your life. 

This is a club that nobody wants to join. Yet, it's a pretty real thing that needs a lot of talking out. Great source of therapy, and a place to check yourself.

There was a time in my journey where it became necessary for me to go completely cold. And it drove my wife nuts. I didn't speak to her, didn't look at her, only answered necessary questions about the house/kids. Did this for 3 days. She slept on the couch.

At the beginning of Day 4 - she emailed me (from within the house), "I don't know what to day, I just miss you." Our situation was very different - as she didn't physically cheat, and my goal was to repair and reconcile rather than exit the marriage. But the concept is the same, you have to detach, go cold, in practice for your future. Become a robot that is not emotional- just focused on absolutely everything else.

This will start to take hold of your emotions, dull them and make you focus outward, rather than on him.


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> Yes, this site is a good source of company. Just be careful not to use this in lieu of live friends. You need an advocate or two in your life.
> 
> This is a club that nobody wants to join. Yet, it's a pretty real thing that needs a lot of talking out. Great source of therapy, and a place to check yourself.
> 
> There was a time in my journey where it became necessary for me to go completely cold. And it drove my wife nuts. I didn't speak to her, didn't look at her, only answered necessary questions about the house/kids. Did this for 3 days. She slept on the couch.
> 
> At the beginning of Day 4 - she emailed me (from within the house), "I don't know what to day, I just miss you." Our situation was very different - as she didn't physically cheat, and my goal was to repair and reconcile rather than exit the marriage. But the concept is the same, you have to detach, go cold, in practice for your future. Become a robot that is not emotional- just focused on absolutely everything else.
> 
> This will start to take hold of your emotions, dull them and make you focus outward, rather than on him.


I’m finding it difficult. I’m too “nice”. Obviously am and have been a door mat for a long time... I can’t just change who I am overnight. I shouldn’t say who I am... this is who I became with a certain type of man. Finding my authentic self is... impossible seeming. It’s a difficult situation and I’m trying to manage it and get my head on straight at the same time, while dealing with the barrage of his emotions, I should say trying not to deal with his. His moods have always colored my own, I’ve always lived my life by his standards. Not to say it was always bad, he is charming and charismatic and likeable (as are most cheaters I’m sure) and there were a lot of years leading up to the last 2 or 3 that were really great, and that’s what I’m grieving too.

Working very hard in counseling, doing my homework, talking to a few trusted friends, one who took the reconciliation route in her own life. She has not tried to push me in either direction she just understands all of my emotions and it helps, and she makes no secret about how difficult it can be for her 5 years later. 
I asked him kindly to back off on his onslaught. The cohabitating is difficult enough, but it’s manageable when we are amicable and he is not pressing for reconciling. It makes me feel like a cornered animal when he does. He’s agreed and it’s better today, I feel I can breathe. This time is challenging for so many reasons, I’m in a pressure cooker. 

Reading the Chump Lady book and it’s so helpful and amazing source of information. Especially the part about what true remorse looks like. Really rings true. And yes, I have exhibited all signs of being a chump. Even now I want to be “friends” with him while we navigate this time. Pathetic. 

I have SO MUCH work to do on myself and I feel like I can’t even start most of it for months. And I also dread the day that I do have to move out of my house and deal with such a huge change, and how the kids are going to take it. Yeah yesterday I was looking forward to it, today I’m dreading it. My life in a nutshell. I have a LOT on my plate. 

Well that turned into a dear diary moment. It’s difficult to feel this weak and fragile I guess. I feel like everything I do is WRONG. But I feel like I’m making the right choices too. Oh! And add in the random crying episodes like yesterday when I cried over Sponge Bob hurting Patrick’s feelings. I’m crying over a cartoons y’all, next I’ll be slicing my ear off whilst painting impressionistic art in 467 shades of blue. Hot mess express. 

Thanks for the ears and shoulders. Today I’m holding my **** together.


----------



## Openminded

It’s just a tough process. And when you’re stuck in the middle, it seems like time is moving so very, very slowly. I remember thinking when I was going through that I would be there forever. But I wasn’t and you won’t be either.

I’m a very impatient person and I want things sorted at the speed of light but I learned to deal with my divorce a day at a time — sometimes an hour at a time and there were days when it was a minute at a time. Some days would fly by and some days would drag on. I never knew which one I would be dealing with.

I did a little meditation (I’m not good at that at all) and I listened to calming music (that actually did help). I also walked my dogs a lot (and got rid of some of that nervous energy). And, rarely, I screamed as loud as I could into a pillow (that did nothing but hurt my throat). Whatever works for you.

Moving on after a long marriage is both exciting and scary. The conflicting emotions and the constant up/down take getting used to. Keep telling yourself that it may be awhile — probably longer than you would prefer — but you’ll get there. In the meantime, be good to yourself.


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## nekonamida

I find it so disingenuous when they start doing everything you asked and were refused at the last possible moment when you're already walking out the door. If he continues to give you things you have asked him not to, it's no longer a positive thing he's doing to try and make this up to you. It's something he's using to manipulate you or hurt you like in the case of sending you communications from OW. There really is no good reason why he should have been sending you THAT in the first place.

QR, keep moving forward. You will get there. One day at a time. One book at a time. One revelation at a time. You've got this.


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## Gabriel

What is he saying to you? How can he possibly explain away any of what he's done/doing? It's clear he has a full on girlfriend and hasn't even really been hiding it in public. That tells me he got very comfortable with the situation and it has/had been going on a long time. Can you share what he's trying to say to you to make amends? I just can't see what he could possibly say.

You may want to consider staying with a relative, even if just for a week, to get away from it for a bit.


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> What is he saying to you? How can he possibly explain away any of what he's done/doing? It's clear he has a full on girlfriend and hasn't even really been hiding it in public. That tells me he got very comfortable with the situation and it has/had been going on a long time. Can you share what he's trying to say to you to make amends? I just can't see what he could possibly say.
> 
> You may want to consider staying with a relative, even if just for a week, to get away from it for a bit.


It’s all my fault, I am fully responsible for all of it.
I am sorry I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.
I’ll do anything you need me to do.
I hate myself for what I’ve done.
I hate that you’re hurting
Here is where I’m going at this time.
I’ll never speak to her again and I have not since I’ve told you.
I want you to be my wife forever I took you for granted.
I miss you and everything I never appreciated before now.
You are beautiful and perfect I can’t believe what I did.
On and on.


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> What is he saying to you? How can he possibly explain away any of what he's done/doing? It's clear he has a full on girlfriend and hasn't even really been hiding it in public. That tells me he got very comfortable with the situation and it has/had been going on a long time. Can you share what he's trying to say to you to make amends? I just can't see what he could possibly say.
> 
> You may want to consider staying with a relative, even if just for a week, to get away from it for a bit.


I’m one of those odd people that has very very little family and the ones I do have do not have the space for my kids and me. I am figuring out some financial things to maybe take a vacation with the kids somewhere... I don’t know where, but just to get away for a weekend.


----------



## Gabriel

QuietRiot said:


> It’s all my fault, I am fully responsible for all of it.
> I am sorry I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.
> I’ll do anything you need me to do.
> I hate myself for what I’ve done.
> I hate that you’re hurting
> Here is where I’m going at this time.
> I’ll never speak to her again and I have not since I’ve told you.
> I want you to be my wife forever I took you for granted.
> I miss you and everything I never appreciated before now.
> You are beautiful and perfect I can’t believe what I did.
> On and on.


Yes, that would be tough to deal with. He probably means the part about hating himself and hating that you are hurting. But the rest of it is just fluff to get you to rug-sweep this event. My guess is that he would be a good boy for awhile and then get the wandering eye again. Or, tell his girlfriend he needs to cool it for awhile until he can control the situation.

Bottom line, trust takes years to earn but one minute to break. In his shoes I would probably be unable to eat, barely able to work or function. Is he otherwise engaging in normal behavior outside of the words he is telling you?


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> Yes, that would be tough to deal with. He probably means the part about hating himself and hating that you are hurting. But the rest of it is just fluff to get you to rug-sweep this event. My guess is that he would be a good boy for awhile and then get the wandering eye again. Or, tell his girlfriend he needs to cool it for awhile until he can control the situation.
> 
> Bottom line, trust takes years to earn but one minute to break. In his shoes I would probably be unable to eat, barely able to work or function. Is he otherwise engaging in normal behavior outside of the words he is telling you?


He has always been a feeling stuffer. He covers pain with work and constant activity, and even the affair in my opinion. I do not think he was historically a cheater, but I do think he’s developed an addictive personality over the past few years. And I think he really did use that affair as a high. NOT making excuses. The broken pieces of him are still there and no, he isn’t fixing them. He is still stuffing them with work and chores and hobbies as best he can and still a lot of pain and regret and self hatred are bubbling over. But, his behaviors are not mine to try and fix. I have made zero suggestions this time about what I think he should do. Haven’t even hinted at the very real problem that he needs professional help for his issues, I already told him this the first time with my many other mistakes.
He says he understands that I need time and a physical separation. That he will prove that he is worthy and if I decide I don’t want him at the end of that, he will respectfully accept and still treat me with kindness and take care of me financially when I divorce him. (Separation agreement is already filed btw)
I think he will find someone new in that time and it will be a moot point. I don’t think he will fix himself. But it doesn’t matter what I think, I am doing this for me and my healing not to watch and see what he does. My goal is to disentangle myself from him and his needs and see what that feels like for the first time in two decades. I still feel relief that I don’t have to work in this marriage anymore. 
He has stopped with the barrage of it. Thankfully.


----------



## Gabriel

Good. All good stuff there. Keep at it.


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> Reading the Chump Lady book and it’s so helpful and amazing source of information. Especially the part about what true remorse looks like. Really rings true. And yes, I have exhibited all signs of being a chump. Even now I want to be “friends” with him while we navigate this time. Pathetic.


I don’t think this makes you pathetic!!!!
I think your husband took advantage of this. 
It is just the beautiful person you are shining through during the hell you are going through. Stop being a door mat to your cheating husband but never lose how you are in the process.

You sound like a a wonderful person that will not have any problems finding someone else when this is all over. Just don’t lose who you are in the process.


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## MattMatt

@QuietRiot Sadly your husband has shown you who and what he really is. You cannot, in my opinion, ever trust him to do the right thing. He says he will make sure you are financially supported after the divorce.

But he also promised to be faithful to you and you know how well that worked out.

Make sure you have full legal support to make sure he doesn't go back on his word.


----------



## QuietRiot

MattMatt said:


> @QuietRiot Sadly your husband has shown you who and what he really is. You cannot, in my opinion, ever trust him to do the right thing. He says he will make sure you are financially supported after the divorce.
> 
> But he also promised to be faithful to you and you know how well that worked out.
> 
> Make sure you have full legal support to make sure he doesn't go back on his word.


Exactly. The separation agreement is a done deal, he says he will do more if and when I need it so now we will see how that plays out. Words are less than worthless.


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## QuietRiot

Well it’s happened. Huge falling out... I’m back to being the lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch. I’m controlling and I need to get on with my life according to him. And I failed to keep my mouth shut...I told him he was lying, cheating, evil hearted person, and he and his unpaid wh0re can have eachother.
He left to stay the night at a friends house, and says he will be looking into getting an apartment for the next few months. (I’m not sure there is anything available so I’m not holding my breath.)
So, apparently since reconciliation is not on the table (it hasn’t been since DDay2 so why he is suddenly a raging idiot) remorse is no longer on that table either. 
I want to be sick. But I have nothing to puke up at the moment. I can only hope that things don’t slide further south, his moods are utterly unpredictable and all over the place. 
Praying for some peace in my life. I need it. Quickly.


----------



## oldshirt

QuietRiot said:


> Well it’s happened. Huge falling out... I’m back to being the lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch. I’m controlling and I need to get on with my life according to him. And I failed to keep my mouth shut...I told him he was lying, cheating, evil hearted person, and he and his unpaid wh0re can have eachother.
> He left to stay the night at a friends house, and says he will be looking into getting an apartment for the next few months. (I’m not sure there is anything available so I’m not holding my breath.)
> So, apparently since reconciliation is not on the table (it hasn’t been since DDay2 so why he is suddenly a raging idiot) remorse is no longer on that table either.
> I want to be sick. But I have nothing to puke up at the moment. I can only hope that things don’t slide further south, his moods are utterly unpredictable and all over the place.
> Praying for some peace in my life. I need it. Quickly.


It's a sucky situation to be sure. But everything above is about him. It you want peace, you have to move on and make it about you. You are giving him too much rent free space in your head. 

Sometimes people are in crappy situations and they post here wanting the rest of us to basically cheer the heros and boo the villains. That is fine, sometimes you need some of that. 

But if you want actual peace and sanity and get to a good place, you have to move on and create your own life for yourself. 

We can tell you how great you are and we can boo him until the cows come home, but until you detach and create your own life leaving him behind, you are still stuck there. 

You can't fix him and make him the wonderful, devoting and loving husband and father you dreamed of. He is who and what he is, you can't transform him. You can only control you.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> Well it’s happened. Huge falling out... I’m back to being the lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch. I’m controlling and I need to get on with my life according to him. And I failed to keep my mouth shut...I told him he was lying, cheating, evil hearted person, and he and his unpaid wh0re can have eachother.
> He left to stay the night at a friends house, and says he will be looking into getting an apartment for the next few months. (I’m not sure there is anything available so I’m not holding my breath.)
> So, apparently since reconciliation is not on the table (it hasn’t been since DDay2 so why he is suddenly a raging idiot) remorse is no longer on that table either.
> I want to be sick. But I have nothing to puke up at the moment. I can only hope that things don’t slide further south, his moods are utterly unpredictable and all over the place.
> Praying for some peace in my life. I need it. Quickly.


Through this whole thing I have been encouraging, but today I am going to give you some tough love..

What did you expect? You need to see him for who he is, stop being surprised that he is an asshole. People who cheat are assholes. (ALL OF THEM). Some are better then others and they may have not been before, and can get better, but most aren't and don't change.

You know who he is, expecting anything different isn't going to help you. Any additional pain you feel now is on you. The sooner you except it the easier it is to get over him.

Tell him to get out now. Not in the next few months. The longer you stay together the more pain you are going to feel. Dudes a cancer, it's needs to be cut out first before you can start the healing process. 

You will get better but enough time and history has gone by that you should stop thinking with love goggles on anymore.

And if he comes back apologizing tell him nicely. It's alright, but it's time for you to end your association in each others lives and you want him to move out and leave you alone. While in your mind you can be thinking "**** off asshole".

Right now if you are feeling a loss again you should be just as mad at yourself. 

Killing your relationship is very definitely a choice, a hard one but you have to make it. And PUT IT DOWN.


----------



## Openminded

Because he thought if he was nice that you would change your mind. He’s angry now that it didn’t work. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll give up trying. He may. Or he may not.

Divorces are difficult. There are lots of ups and downs. You have to focus on you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

sokillme said:


> Through this whole thing I have been encouraging, but today I am going to give you some tough love..
> 
> What did you expect? You need to see him for who he is, stop being surprised that he is an asshole. People who cheat are assholes. (ALL OF THEM). Some are better then others and they may have not been before, and can get better, but most aren't and don't change.
> 
> You know who he is, expecting anything different isn't going to help you. Any additional pain you feel now is on you. The sooner you except it the easier it is to get over him.
> 
> Tell him to get out now. Not in the next few months. The longer you stay together the more pain you are going to feel. Dudes a cancer, it's needs to be cut out first before you can start the healing process.
> 
> You will get better but enough time and history has gone by that you should stop thinking with love goggles on anymore.
> 
> And if he comes back apologizing tell him nicely. It's alright, but it's time for you to end your association in each others lives and you want him to move out and leave you alone. While in your mind you can be thinking "**** off asshole".
> 
> Right now if you are feeling a loss again you should be just as mad at yourself.
> 
> Killing your relationship is very definitely a choice, a hard one but you have to make it. And PUT IT DOWN.


This. And to add to it, you have to remember that these assholes don't actually take any responsibility for blowing things up because in their mind you're the one who wants a divorce so they're the victim.

Ask me how I know this.

This guy is your enemy so expect him to act like it. Get away from him ASAP.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> Through this whole thing I have been encouraging, but today I am going to give you some tough love..
> 
> What did you expect? You need to see him for who he is, stop being surprised that he is an asshole. People who cheat are assholes. (ALL OF THEM). Some are better then others and they may have not been before, and can get better, but most aren't and don't change.
> 
> You know who he is, expecting anything different isn't going to help you. Any additional pain you feel now is on you. The sooner you except it the easier it is to get over him.
> 
> Tell him to get out now. Not in the next few months. The longer you stay together the more pain you are going to feel. Dudes a cancer, it's needs to be cut out first before you can start the healing process.
> 
> You will get better but enough time and history has gone by that you should stop thinking with love goggles on anymore.
> 
> And if he comes back apologizing tell him nicely. It's alright, but it's time for you to end your association in each others lives and you want him to move out and leave you alone. While in your mind you can be thinking "**** off asshole".
> 
> Right now if you are feeling a loss again you should be just as mad at yourself.
> 
> Killing your relationship is very definitely a choice, a hard one but you have to make it. And PUT IT DOWN.


Definitely need the tough love here thank you. Im not used to it, the hatred, and I’m too squishy. I need to seriously get a shell on. I thought I was doing good but it’s obvious I’m still... something. 
He’s trying to find an apartment FOR the next few months until I can move out. Im praying that works out like... now. 
Thank you, I needed this.


----------



## QuietRiot

lifeistooshort said:


> This. And to add to it, you have to remember that these assholes don't actually take any responsibility for blowing things up because in their mind you're the one who wants a divorce so they're the victim.
> 
> Ask me how I know this.
> 
> This guy is your enemy so expect him to act like it. Get away from him ASAP.


This is exactly it. Said he is coming to pack his stuff tonight and wants me not to be here. So this is good. I just have to calm it down and stop being afraid all the time of everything and him. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of him... he is an a-hole but I've let him control every emotion and that has to stop!


----------



## lifeistooshort

QuietRiot said:


> This is exactly it. Said he is coming to pack his stuff tonight and wants me not to be here. So this is good. I just have to calm it down and stop being afraid all the time of everything and him. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of him... he is an a-hole but I've let him control every emotion and that has to stop!


IME bullies will go for the jugular as long as they think you're afraid. My ex did until I got in his face and basically told him to **** off.

Now if he's dangerous that's different....I'm not getting that impression from you but if he is you have to deal with that differently.

Stop giving him any reaction and treat him like a common bully.


----------



## QuietRiot

lifeistooshort said:


> IME bullies will go for the jugular as long as they think you're afraid. My ex did until I got in his face and basically told him to **** off.
> 
> Now if he's dangerous that's different....I'm not getting that impression from you but if he is you have to deal with that differently.
> 
> Stop giving him any reaction and treat him like a common bully.


Right not dangerous or physical in any way, never has been. 
I have changed his name in my phone to “Do Not Engage!” I’m making myself the promise that I will never, ever entertain the insults and anger, or any emotion for that matter ever again. I’m doing this. Im going to expect the behavior and refuse to interact. Fake it till I make it. THANK YOU GUYS!!!


----------



## lucy999

It's going to be okay. And, if you don't want him to be alone in the house while he's packing, then don't be. You have every right to be there. Hell, have a friend over so he is forced to be civil. 

He's being a jerk because you're not doing the pick me dance and begging him to reconcile.

The mask is off. You know who he is. Keep that in your front pocket when you feel weak.


----------



## sokillme

lifeistooshort said:


> This. And to add to it, you have to remember that these assholes don't actually take any responsibility for blowing things up because in their mind you're the one who wants a divorce so they're the victim.
> 
> Ask me how I know this.
> 
> This guy is your enemy so expect him to act like it. Get away from him ASAP.


The enemy deserves no mercy.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> This is exactly it. Said he is coming to pack his stuff tonight and wants me not to be here. So this is good. I just have to calm it down and stop being afraid all the time of everything and him. I don’t know why I’m so afraid of him... he is an a-hole but I've let him control every emotion and that has to stop!


Sometimes those fears go back to childhood experiences. Could that be the case with you?


----------



## Affaircare

QuietRiot said:


> Definitely need the tough love here thank you. Im not used to it, the hatred, and I’m too squishy. I need to seriously get a shell on. I thought I was doing good but it’s obvious I’m still... something.
> ...


@QuietRiot,

When I was going through my divorce from an abusive cheater, you know what I did? I did two symbolic things to protect my heart:
1) I got a wolf tattoo right over my heart. I have always felt like wolves were my "spirit animal"--I relate to them closely--so putting a wolf over my heart to guard it was a symbol...when exH sent those spears and barbs that were meant to pierce my heart and hurt me, the wolf protected me. He'd growl and eat them up before they could get through to the soft parts of my heart. 

2) I wore a wire-wrapped, large quartz necklace...not a point, but a big one like this:








First, it was a pretty big stone, so that nothing could get through the stone to hurt my heart. And second, it's clear crystal which is supposed to be a healing stone. I figured my heart could use the healing! So I wore my big quartz necklace as a shield, and had my wolf tattoo as a protector. And it wasn't so much that I became "not squishy" (I'm still kinda squishy!), nor that I grew a shell on my heart and hardened my heart...but rather I had a shield and protection in front of me so that no hurtful stuff could even get through!!

You don't have to learn to become a meanie. But what I did was to learn how to call it what it was. When he calls you a (quote) "lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch" just say out loud what that is: "Calling names is verbal abuse and one of the many reasons I am choosing to leave this relationship." When he tells you that you are (quote) "...controlling and (you) need to get on with (your) life..." just say out loud what that is: "Calling me controlling because I won't accept a life partner who is unfaithful, is trampling my boundaries and blameshifting. You chose to commit adultery--I'm just allowing you to experience the cost of your choices." 

Another verbal joust I play is taking what they say and agreeing but turning it right back around on them. For example, when he calls you a "lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch", you might say "You're right. You really are a lazy, selfish, money grubbing jerk."  When he say's you're "...controlling and (you) need to get on with (your) life...", you might say "Yep, you ARE controlling and (you) DO need to get on with (your) life without me." The idea with this joust is not just to play games but rather to point out to the both of you that what he's saying is about 99.99% projecting of himself and his own issues onto you.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> Sometimes those fears go back to childhood experiences. Could that be the case with you?


My childhood is all kinds of effed up. I always priced myself on being a good person despite my upbringing... but my counselor has been working with me on some things I’ve been blind about. For instance that my mother was a doormat.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> My childhood is all kids of effed up. I always priced myself on being a good person despite my upbringing... but I my counselor has been working with me on some things I’ve been blind about. *For instance that my mother was a doormat.*


There you go. We usually repeat what we’re familiar with from childhood. I certainly have.


----------



## QuietRiot

Affaircare said:


> @QuietRiot,
> 
> When I was going through my divorce from an abusive cheater, you know what I did? I did two symbolic things to protect my heart:
> 1) I got a wolf tattoo right over my heart. I have always felt like wolves were my "spirit animal"--I relate to them closely--so putting a wolf over my heart to guard it was a symbol...when exH sent those spears and barbs that were meant to pierce my heart and hurt me, the wolf protected me. He'd growl and eat them up before they could get through to the soft parts of my heart.
> 
> 2) I wore a wire-wrapped, large quartz necklace...not a point, but a big one like this:
> View attachment 71895
> 
> First, it was a pretty big stone, so that nothing could get through the stone to hurt my heart. And second, it's clear crystal which is supposed to be a healing stone. I figured my heart could use the healing! So I wore my big quartz necklace as a shield, and had my wolf tattoo as a protector. And it wasn't so much that I became "not squishy" (I'm still kinda squishy!), nor that I grew a shell on my heart and hardened my heart...but rather I had a shield and protection in front of me so that no hurtful stuff could even get through!!
> 
> You don't have to learn to become a meanie. But what I did was to learn how to call it what it was. When he calls you a (quote) "lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch" just say out loud what that is: "Calling names is verbal abuse and one of the many reasons I am choosing to leave this relationship." When he tells you that you are (quote) "...controlling and (you) need to get on with (your) life..." just say out loud what that is: "Calling me controlling because I won't accept a life partner who is unfaithful, is trampling my boundaries and blameshifting. You chose to commit adultery--I'm just allowing you to experience the cost of your choices."
> 
> Another verbal joust I play is taking what they say and agreeing but turning it right back around on them. For example, when he calls you a "lazy, selfish, money grubbing witch", you might say "You're right. You really are a lazy, selfish, money grubbing jerk."  When he say's you're "...controlling and (you) need to get on with (your) life...", you might say "Yep, you ARE controlling and (you) DO need to get on with (your) life without me." The idea with this joust is not just to play games but rather to point out to the both of you that what he's saying is about 99.99% projecting of himself and his own issues onto you.


Love this!!! And it is truly projecting anger and resentment. Your necklace is very pretty! I will have to find my spirit animal. Currently is a slug. I’m thinking I need a hedgehog. Maybe a honey badger.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> The enemy deserves no mercy.


I need to just sweep the leg.


----------



## QuietRiot

So he’s been out. I feel relieved in one sense... it’s not awkward or tense feeling. But now all that is stripped away and I’m starting to feel the raw hurt of the situation. And the grieving for the “end”. I know I’ve had months to come to terms with the end of the marriage, but it’s never been quite as real as it is now. And it ****in hurts!

He is being cordial and only contacting about the kids now. I’m doing very well about not contacting him, the mind movies still play (Including new ones about what he is probably up to) but they aren’t as traumatizing as they used to be. So that’s improvement.

I needed a counseling appointment this week, but they’re out with COVID. I’ve had to cut some people I thought were my friend recently, it’s interesting that I’m having to cull more people out of my life... apparently all forms of death bring out the worst in people, including the death of a marriage. It also hurts that people find my destroyed life a source of entertainment and malicious gossip. I’ve never had the guts to be as straightforward as I am now, so I told them in no uncertain terms to get lost.

I am thankful for my kids right now, their innocent joy and giggles is sometimes all I have to keep me grounded.
It’s like my world is being burned to the ground. But that’s also the good part of all this too, because I don’t WANT to have a foot in both worlds and I need the destruction to force me to move forward. I know the hurt is necessary, so I’m making sure that I let it happen.

That’s my update for now. I’m feeling very much like Eeyore.


----------



## MattMatt

@QuietRiot we are here for you.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> So he’s been out. I feel relieved in one sense... it’s not awkward or tense feeling. But now all that is stripped away and I’m starting to feel the raw hurt of the situation. And the grieving for the “end”. I know I’ve had months to come to terms with the end of the marriage, but it’s never been quite as real as it is now. And it ****in hurts!
> 
> He is being cordial and only contacting about the kids now. I’m doing very well about not contacting him, the mind movies still play (Including new ones about what he is probably up to) but they aren’t as traumatizing as they used to be. So that’s improvement.
> 
> I needed a counseling appointment this week, but they’re out with COVID. I’ve had to cut some people I thought were my friend recently, it’s interesting that I’m having to cull more people out of my life... apparently all forms of death bring out the worst in people, including the death of a marriage. It also hurts that people find my destroyed life a source of entertainment and malicious gossip. I’ve never had the guts to be as straightforward as I am now, so I told them in no uncertain terms to get lost.
> 
> I am thankful for my kids right now, their innocent joy and giggles is sometimes all I have to keep me grounded.
> It’s like my world is being burned to the ground. But that’s also the good part of all this too, because I don’t WANT to have a foot in both worlds and I need the destruction to force me to move forward. I know the hurt is necessary, so I’m making sure that I let it happen.
> 
> That’s my update for now. I’m feeling very much like Eeyore.


This is all normal. Don't allow yourself to be fearful about it, just accept it. 

It's Emotional Chemo, you cut out the cancer but you have to take the 6 months of treatments. You are starting to heal though so it will get easier. 

Remember you are, right now, in the ashes stage. The flame will show up sooner or later, you'll see. This is your chance to remake yourself how YOU want. Seize it and give yourself permission to enjoy it.


----------



## jlg07

QuietRiot said:


> t’s like my world is being burned to the ground. But that’s also the good part of all this too, because I don’t WANT to have a foot in both worlds and I need the destruction to force me to move forward


So QuiteRiot, think of it like this -- you will be like the Phoenix -- rising from the flames even better and more glorious!
You will have to go through the pain, and with it tremendous growth. REALLY sorry you are going through this, but you will come out better on the other side.


----------



## Openminded

Yes, it’s interesting to see the reaction of “friends” and, sometimes family, to the news of the end of a long marriage. In my case, many took it personally — almost like how dare I end it when they were apparently so emotionally invested in it. And, yes, it was a major source of gossip for many inside and outside my family. There were many that I cut out temporarily and some that I cut out permanently. You need to do what’s best for you and your children. And if that means cutting people out, well, it’s their fault and their loss. I think you’re doing a wonderful job of navigating the mess that’s divorce.


----------



## QuietRiot

Update:
I saw the husband of the AP in the parking lot of a store. I was helping my kids into their seats and I looked up to see him with his children. I knew it was him, I’ve seen many pictures of him on his and her social media (I haven’t been stalking them this was the first weekend of my second D-day and I wanted to arm myself with knowledge about her and her situation).
As a reminder, this BH found them together before I ever found out, I don’t beleive he ever knew my husbands name or by virtue mine.
Here is my dilemma, or maybe not. This man was HAPPY. Spring in his step, twirling his kids, giggling. This is not a man broken by an affair in my mind. I know what that looks like. Me. I can’t even pretend to be happy and don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again, but here is the point... I think she told him 1001 lies to make him beleive she did nothing, never screwed anyone, never spent weekends and overnights and **** sessions in the back of her vehicle with my husband.
He found them together in public. It’s his problem that he believes her... not mine. Right?
Honestly, if my small children and his were not present... I would have talked to him. I would have, but I felt at that moment it was not a decent thing to do with children present. Maybe I was wrong?
Here is my other dilemma, if I go about dredging things up and setting the BH to rights in the truth that I know... this will cause major issues with my separation and future divorce. At this point, I’m getting more than is legally required, but I know my husbands mind is a fickle one and I’m playing with Fire if I start causing drama with that ho... it does not benefit me and my children to blow **** up right now, and I’m barely starting to get some peace of mind in this situation. BUT maybe it’s morally unjust of me to not let him know who she is... Ignorance or not I know a heck of a lot more than he does if she is his only source of information.

And the last option? I’m being an idiot and I am keeping myself steeped in this **** needlessly, stop worrying about any of it and focus on the future.

Someone please talk some sense into me.


----------



## MattMatt

@QuietRiot he might have been acting upbeat for his kids. I personally went through utter hell. But I never let anyone know, so it can be done.


----------



## QuietRiot

MattMatt said:


> @QuietRiot he might have been acting upbeat for his kids. I personally went through utter hell. But I never let anyone know, so it can be done.


I did consider this. Just judging by social media and how “in love” he seemed I made assumptions that he would handle this the same as me. Poorly. It is a valid point.


----------



## ABHale

My kids never knew things were bad when they were little. I gave them 110% of me. They were my source of joy and the spring in my step.

Also, this might not be the first time she has cheated on him. He might have gone through the pain years ago. Now just there for the kids.


----------



## QuietRiot

ABHale said:


> My kids never knew things were bad when they were little. I gave them 110% of me. They were my source of joy and the spring in my step.
> 
> Also, this might not be the first time she has cheated on him. He might have gone through the pain years ago. Now just there for the kids.


Well, this has served a completely different purpose already. My situation sucks but I obviously need to pull my head out of my a$$ and be more present and joyful for my kids.


----------



## sokillme

Don't underestimate peoples ability to live in denial either. Lots and lots of men especially decide to rug-sweep at least at first.

From (years now) of experience reading on here and other sites I am convinced many of these men are KISA and there cheating wives pick them and cheat on them partly because they know they will get away with it.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

QuietRiot said:


> He found them together in public. It’s his problem that he believes her... not mine. Right?


Cheaters *ONLY* admit to what you know or what you can prove. And all *he* knew was that he saw them together in public. Big deal. Most slimy cheaters can easily talk their way out of something like that.

And THAT means she likelky lied her ASS off - and is *still *lying.

Once your divorce is a done deal, do the right and compassionate thing and *TELL* him. If she was honest with him (which is not likely), then he'll already know and will tell you that.

But honestly? He has a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus then he does of getting the truth from his lying, low life cheater of a wife.

*Tell him *when you're sure your divorce is a done deal.


----------



## Lynn1989

QuietRiot said:


> Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. We did counseling and a lot of talking and he finally said he wanted to work it out and everything an idiot needs to believe he actually wanted to. Three months later I get a call from a friend that she sees him with some chick in public, so I go down there and catch them together in the parking lot, god knows where they were headed but I can guess. I somehow managed to control myself and not hurt the nasty little skank or my disgusting excuse for a husband.
> No I am no going to be that moron again, or ever again thank you very much. I am over all of my silly dreams of “overcoming infidelity” because I saw for myself what he was willing to ruin my life and my kids lives over, and it makes me physically sick. But here is the thing, I’m stuck in limbo until I can move out in 4 months so I feel like my healing is on hold until then, even though he is being decent now and not seeing her and being remorseful and kind because we have to live in the same house until then. (Just trust that there aren’t other options at this time and I want to keep an amicable arrangement for my own sake when negotiating the actual divorce)
> Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed. On the other, I physically puked for weeks just thinking about it, then it’s panic attacks, now I just.... can’t stop thinking about it over. And over. And over. She has tried to contact him since then and coerce him into responding. He hasn’t. Which has nothing to do with my demands he is actually trying to do the decent thing until I move out because he knows he’s destroyed all of lives. Anyways. I guess I’m just lost, grieving so deeply I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Literally. Hoping for advice on how to get through this so my little kids don’t have to deal with their mom being a mess. Do the visuals ever friggin stop? Do you ever feel like you aren’t being kicked in the face when you wake up?


Why can't he move out for 4 months? doesn't he have a friend of family to stay with? The sooner you don't have to see him daily the better. I've been exactly where you are, and it SUCKS. Let it suck. Take care of the kids and yourself...and get him physically out of your space asap!


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> Well, this has served a completely different purpose already. My situation sucks but I obviously need to pull my head out of my a$$ and be more present and joyful for my kids.


You will learn how to deal with it. We all learn in our own time. Don’t beat yourself up to bad for the struggles you are facing. It takes time.


----------



## Gabriel

Wait, I forgot. He doesn't KNOW?

He should know, if he doesn't. Maybe not with his kids there, but in another way.


----------



## QuietRiot

Gabriel said:


> Wait, I forgot. He doesn't KNOW?
> 
> He should know, if he doesn't. Maybe not with his kids there, but in another way.


I was under the impression that he knew this whole time, he found the sluts together in public, a restaurant or something, and almost got into a physical altercation with my H... but it’s questionable about how much or what she told him. She is a sleaze and a liar so probably lied and gaslighted him. I’m considering what to do, I don’t want to screw up anything for myself here, but feel like he should know if he does not. Don’t know what I’ll do.


----------



## QuietRiot

Lynn1989 said:


> Why can't he move out for 4 months? doesn't he have a friend of family to stay with? The sooner you don't have to see him daily the better. I've been exactly where you are, and it SUCKS. Let it suck. Take care of the kids and yourself...and get him physically out of your space asap!


He did finally, about a month ago.


----------



## ABHale

How are you holding up.


----------



## QuietRiot

All of it still feels like a nightmare that refuses to end. The magnitude of sadness and loss is pretty intense. I watch funny animal videos and make sure I laugh once a day. It’s hard to care about or do things that I need to do, like cleaning and cooking and I have to force myself to do it. Half of me is looking forward to having a house that’s mine and my own space, the other half of me is terrified. Some days I’m numb, some I’m depressive and some other days I’m mad as hell at the sheer injustice, so obviously I’m still very much in victim mode which isn’t where I want to be, but that’s just what it is right now. 
At least I can eat and sleep now. Not as much as “normal” but I’m at 75% there. Which is improvement. He asks what he can do to make this better. I have no response to that. It makes me feel better and worse that he asks that. I don’t engage in much conversation with him.
Still a mopey Eeyore, but I do find some joy in the simple things. I’m surviving! 
Thank you for caring.


----------



## sunsetmist

Divorce is a painful death--the death of your dreams for the future. No one deserves such misery--even knowing that life is not fair. You remember good times--his charm, etc. and wonder why. As a dedicated wife you mostly searched for the best in him. His rotten parts were hidden within his core encapsulated in a shell of lies.

Think of him as a disease--caught by you because he hid the symptoms for so long. He continues to lie to tell himself he 'wasn't actually that bad', to somewhat assuage his guilt. Continue to heal from the ravages of his wounds. Set a good example for your children. Learn to be a survivor, not a victim--his victim.

I escaped into books, simple travel with friends, giving time to others who have it worse. Church, meditation, prayer, hobbies became more of a focus. When my mind goes back there, I close my eyes and picture a stop sign and literally say stop--or a red light flashing comes into focus. I do believe God judges and I do not want His job.


----------



## aine

QuietRiot said:


> Love this!!! And it is truly projecting anger and resentment. Your necklace is very pretty! I will have to find my spirit animal. Currently is a slug. I’m thinking I need a hedgehog. Maybe a honey badger.


What about a lioness, who takes no ****!


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> All of it still feels like a nightmare that refuses to end. The magnitude of sadness and loss is pretty intense. I watch funny animal videos and make sure I laugh once a day. It’s hard to care about or do things that I need to do, like cleaning and cooking and I have to force myself to do it. Half of me is looking forward to having a house that’s mine and my own space, the other half of me is terrified. Some days I’m numb, some I’m depressive and some other days I’m mad as hell at the sheer injustice, so obviously I’m still very much in victim mode which isn’t where I want to be, but that’s just what it is right now.
> At least I can eat and sleep now. Not as much as “normal” but I’m at 75% there. Which is improvement. He asks what he can do to make this better. I have no response to that. It makes me feel better and worse that he asks that. I don’t engage in much conversation with him.
> Still a mopey Eeyore, but I do find some joy in the simple things. I’m surviving!
> Thank you for caring.


It's too soon to emotionally believe this but you can intellectually believe that your life is going to get better and this pain won't last forever.


----------



## VladDracul

aine said:


> What about a lioness, who takes no ****!


The only problem is a lioness is ok with the old man hanging around the den while she going out and hunts. Women look as stay at home dads and think, "I bet that new guy in engineering would be a good horse for this saddle".


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> It's too soon to emotionally believe this but you can intellectually believe that your life is going to get better and this pain won't last forever.


I’m making sure to pay attention to logic. My monkey brain however, is busy screaming at me to just put things back to the way they were, no matter what it costs me.

I realize now, that reconciliation is 90% about fear. Fear of change and fear of the unknown. I also realize that cheating is also in a way fear, cowards who don’t want to face being alone and the unknowns of getting divorced without having something else setup first. He didn’t plan on divorcing me but I know he took comfort in knowing there was a backup plan. And she just wanted a new relationship lined up before ending the current. They took their fear off themselves, and passed it to their spouse and children instead.

I’ve also come to realize, that any male who vows to love and protect his family and then becomes a traitor to that family is not even a man anymore in my eyes. He failed me as a man. He failed his children as a man. There is nothing on this planet more important than protecting your family, and he betrayed us. I don’t even know how a person lives with themselves after doing that, I wouldn’t be able to.

Anyhow, I’m facing every fear I have, which is many and varied. I pulled a spine out of somewhere, thankfully. One day I will be proud of myself. I just have to make sure the stress doesn’t kill me in the mean time.


----------



## VladDracul

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve also come to realize, that any male who vows to love and protect his family and then becomes a traitor to that family is not even a man anymore in my eyes. He failed me as a man. He failed his children as a man. There is nothing on this planet more important than protecting your family, and he betrayed us. I don’t even know how a person lives with themselves after doing that, I wouldn’t be able to.


In my seven decades of being here, and one+ being pretty sordid, I've learned that both women and men give it up too fast for words/vows and pay too little attention (even ignore) actions that hindsight reveals as 20/20. They become road kill along heartbreak highway.


----------



## aine

VladDracul said:


> The only problem is a lioness is ok with the old man hanging around the den while she going out and hunts. Women look as stay at home dads and think, "I bet that new guy in engineering would be a good horse for this saddle".


She has nothing to lose by looking elsewhere, just kick him out of the den and bite him on the ass on his way out, the two timing git


----------



## Openminded

The unknown can be a very scary thing in general. And it’s especially scary when you’re ending a marriage. Many give in to the fear and decide to stay. It’s easier. The devil you know, etc. But keep telling yourself that’s there’s a very good life waiting for you when you’re finally through this because there is.

When I was going through my divorce, I had a journal that I bought especially for that time. I wrote down random positive thoughts about the future. And I made lists of things I had to do, and wanted to do, and hoped to do. Years later, I still go through the journal sometimes to see where I am. I’m truly amazed at the progress I’ve made. You will be too.


----------



## QuietRiot

VladDracul said:


> In my seven decades of being here, and one+ being pretty sordid, I've learned that both women and men give it up too fast for words/vows and pay too little attention (even ignore) actions that hindsight reveals as 20/20. They become road kill along heartbreak highway.


I don’t see that the red flags were there for cheating until about 2 years ago... when he actively started abandoning us for his selfish lifestyle, but you’re right, there were a LOT of indications for selfishness all along. 
I do own my part of picking this person and then stuffing my head in the ground when **** got real. And I will not ever even try to have a relationship until I confront the avoidance aspect of my personality and become more assertive.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> The unknown can be a very scary thing in general. And it’s especially scary when you’re ending a marriage. Many give in to the fear and decide to stay. It’s easier. The devil you know, etc. But keep telling yourself that’s there’s a very good life waiting for you when you’re finally through this because there is.
> 
> When I was going through my divorce, I had a journal that I bought especially for that time. I wrote down random positive thoughts about the future. And I made lists of things I had to do, and wanted to do, and hoped to do. Years later, I still go through the journal sometimes to see where I am. I’m truly amazed at the progress I’ve made. You will be too.


I do have a journal for exactly this reason, and to work through the traumatic memories under the guidance of my counselor.
Your story is very comforting to me, just in the way it seems very similar and familiar. I have hope I’ll come through as well as you have. I thank you for your support.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> I do have a journal for exactly this reason, and to work through the traumatic memories under the guidance of my counselor.
> Your story is very comforting to me, just in the way it seems very similar and familiar. I have hope I’ll come through as well as you have. I thank you for your support.


Yes, I see the similarities in our stories. That’s why I want to reassure you that it’s possible to come through all of this and have a wonderful life when it’s finally done. There’s nothing easy about divorce. But the peace you gain is immeasurable. My only regret is that I didn’t get out sooner when I had more of my life left to live. But you will.


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> I’m making sure to pay attention to logic. My monkey brain however, is busy screaming at me to just put things back to the way they were, no matter what it costs me.
> 
> I realize now, that reconciliation is 90% about fear. Fear of change and fear of the unknown. I also realize that cheating is also in a way fear, cowards who don’t want to face being alone and the unknowns of getting divorced without having something else setup first. He didn’t plan on divorcing me but I know he took comfort in knowing there was a backup plan. And she just wanted a new relationship lined up before ending the current. They took their fear off themselves, and passed it to their spouse and children instead.
> 
> I’ve also come to realize, that any male who vows to love and protect his family and then becomes a traitor to that family is not even a man anymore in my eyes. He failed me as a man. He failed his children as a man. There is nothing on this planet more important than protecting your family, and he betrayed us. I don’t even know how a person lives with themselves after doing that, I wouldn’t be able to.
> 
> Anyhow, I’m facing every fear I have, which is many and varied. I pulled a spine out of somewhere, thankfully. One day I will be proud of myself. I just have to make sure the stress doesn’t kill me in the mean time.


I agree with everything you said. I would add it's also the fear of confrontation. It's the fear of having to tell your spouse you are not happy. The fear of difficult conversations. It's the fear of not dealing with yourself, your partner and why. 

That's the thing, sometimes in life doing the right thing takes courage. Sometimes a lot of courage. It's hard to say "I am unhappy". It's hard to look at yourself and ask why, but nothing really good in life comes without courage. 

In the same way what you are doing now is showing courage. Make no mistake walking away from someone you might still have feeling for because you know they are not good for you takes courage. But again nothing really good in life comes without courage. 

Yes you will be proud, and you will have also set up the rest of your life because you will be so much more confident that you can survive and you will never again put up with anyone's ****. Which will give you a higher class men and will make you attractive to a higher class of men. Men who hold themselves and you to the same standard. 

I know this is hard but you are learning to play the piano, and you are in the early stages where you have to play scales over and over. One day you will play jazz and want to use those scales for you fill.


----------



## QuietRiot

I need some help all. Emotionally I was doing so so for awhile, and now it’s back in the crapper. 

Long story short, my new house is now pushed out 2 to 3 months. Lack of workers to build and finish things like electrical, plumbing, and roofing. Those who are not aware there is a massive housing shortage here, prices are astronomical and people are buying up homes the day they are listed, without looking at them, above asking price. Rentals are 3x higher than they were 2 years ago. 

My not so estranged H had to move out of the rental he was in because they wanted to rent long term. You can guess where this is going. He moved back in 4 weeks after moving out. It’s awkward tense and stressful... though there is no fighting or anything... it’s just really jacked up. (People, he pays 100% for this house and the bills I am not in a position to tell him to get out and still pay the bills here)

Anyhow, he’s made it clear in the last few months he wants a reconciliation. Since I am not on board with that plan, he sees no reason to change his lifestyle and comings and going’s all hours of the day and night. Whatever... it’s what he does. However... now I have until MARCH of this sh!t!?!? I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and need a padded room by then.

I haven’t been able to see my IC as much as I like because of COVID, finances and babysitting issues. Working on finding a new person that takes insurance. (This guy has little time in his social schedule to watch his own kids and we do not have extensive or “helpful” family which is a challenge as well)

1. I have to survive here, this is where I need your help. I internalize and always have internalized other people’s emotions and the way they treat me, I have not found a way to stop this mental torture of internalizing his abandonment, especially when I see it every day. How does one survive 3 or maybe 4 more months of living with the torturer without going crazy and dying??? Medicate? 

2. I’m having completely f#ed up mental arguments on a daily basis that go something like this: 
a. It would be SO easy to just stay! He will at least take care of me financially and I will have security through this pandemic. I can leave him _later_! He will even buy me a new car! (I wish I was kidding about this. I’m not.) He promised to never do this again, it was 1 affair in 17 years that’s not as bad!
b. I’ll never make it on my own. I will not be able to make ends meet and take care of my kids. I won’t be able to find a remote position to pay the bills. We will live in a box and he will take my kids away and plop them in daycare and with some ho. (FYI, I have a graduate degree, this argument is actually not based in intellect)
c. The pandemic and social unrest is going to cause the collapse of society and that is no situation for a single mom, a cheating a hole is better than nothing at a time like that.

And no, I’m not saying my mental arguments are valid or reasonable or even based in truth, but they have enough of a ring of truth that I can’t stop thinking them and it’s EXHAUSTING.

It’s the holidays, and this is just getting to me so badly. I miss feeling like we were a family especially now. I feel weak and stupid, like I’m being chipped away at instead of fortified by the stress and bull crap I’m going through. I know you all want to just shake me and tell me to buck the hell up... but IM WEAK! If I could stuff my fears and anxieties and emotions into a box until I was out of here I would. I’m terrified of leaving too! Just not as terrified as I am of feeling this way forever... which is all that keeps me on my path out of this hell. Someone help me. Strength. I need it. If I let myself make decisions based on fear of the future I’ll never forgive myself. 

I am so jealous of the people who get to move out and on with their lives right away while the anger is still fresh and overcomes all the fears and insecurities. I feel like my situation is 150x more difficult than it needs to be.


----------



## jparistotle

QuietRiot said:


> I need some help all. Emotionally I was doing so so for awhile, and now it’s back in the crapper.
> 
> Long story short, my new house is now pushed out 2 to 3 months. Lack of workers to build and finish things like electrical, plumbing, and roofing. Those who are not aware there is a massive housing shortage here, prices are astronomical and people are buying up homes the day they are listed, without looking at them, above asking price. Rentals are 3x higher than they were 2 years ago.
> 
> My not so estranged H had to move out of the rental he was in because they wanted to rent long term. You can guess where this is going. He moved back in 4 weeks after moving out. It’s awkward tense and stressful... though there is no fighting or anything... it’s just really jacked up. (People, he pays 100% for this house and the bills I am not in a position to tell him to get out and still pay the bills here)
> 
> Anyhow, he’s made it clear in the last few months he wants a reconciliation. Since I am not on board with that plan, he sees no reason to change his lifestyle and comings and going’s all hours of the day and night. Whatever... it’s what he does. However... now I have until MARCH of this sh!t!?!? I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and need a padded room by then.
> 
> I haven’t been able to see my IC as much as I like because of COVID, finances and babysitting issues. Working on finding a new person that takes insurance. (This guy has little time in his social schedule to watch his own kids and we do not have extensive or “helpful” family which is a challenge as well)
> 
> 1. I have to survive here, this is where I need your help. I internalize and always have internalized other people’s emotions and the way they treat me, I have not found a way to stop this mental torture of internalizing his abandonment, especially when I see it every day. How does one survive 3 or maybe 4 more months of living with the torturer without going crazy and dying??? Medicate?
> 
> 2. I’m having completely f#ed up mental arguments on a daily basis that go something like this:
> a. It would be SO easy to just stay! He will at least take care of me financially and I will have security through this pandemic. I can leave him _later_! He will even buy me a new car! (I wish I was kidding about this. I’m not.) He promised to never do this again, it was 1 affair in 17 years that’s not as bad!
> b. I’ll never make it on my own. I will not be able to make ends meet and take care of my kids. I won’t be able to find a remote position to pay the bills. We will live in a box and he will take my kids away and plop them in daycare and with some ho. (FYI, I have a graduate degree, this argument is actually not based in intellect)
> c. The pandemic and social unrest is going to cause the collapse of society and that is no situation for a single mom, a cheating a hole is better than nothing at a time like that.
> 
> And no, I’m not saying my mental arguments are valid or reasonable or even based in truth, but they have enough of a ring of truth that I can’t stop thinking them and it’s EXHAUSTING.
> 
> It’s the holidays, and this is just getting to me so badly. I miss feeling like we were a family especially now. I feel weak and stupid, like I’m being chipped away at instead of fortified by the stress and bull crap I’m going through. I know you all want to just shake me and tell me to buck the hell up... but IM WEAK! If I could stuff my fears and anxieties and emotions into a box until I was out of here I would. I’m terrified of leaving too! Just not as terrified as I am of feeling this way forever... which is all that keeps me on my path out of this hell. Someone help me. Strength. I need it. If I let myself make decisions based on fear of the future I’ll never forgive myself.
> 
> I am so jealous of the people who get to move out and on with their lives right away while the anger is still fresh and overcomes all the fears and insecurities. I feel like my situation is 150x more difficult than it needs to be.





QuietRiot said:


> I need some help all. Emotionally I was doing so so for awhile, and now it’s back in the crapper.
> 
> Long story short, my new house is now pushed out 2 to 3 months. Lack of workers to build and finish things like electrical, plumbing, and roofing. Those who are not aware there is a massive housing shortage here, prices are astronomical and people are buying up homes the day they are listed, without looking at them, above asking price. Rentals are 3x higher than they were 2 years ago.
> 
> My not so estranged H had to move out of the rental he was in because they wanted to rent long term. You can guess where this is going. He moved back in 4 weeks after moving out. It’s awkward tense and stressful... though there is no fighting or anything... it’s just really jacked up. (People, he pays 100% for this house and the bills I am not in a position to tell him to get out and still pay the bills here)
> 
> Anyhow, he’s made it clear in the last few months he wants a reconciliation. Since I am not on board with that plan, he sees no reason to change his lifestyle and comings and going’s all hours of the day and night. Whatever... it’s what he does. However... now I have until MARCH of this sh!t!?!? I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and need a padded room by then.
> 
> I haven’t been able to see my IC as much as I like because of COVID, finances and babysitting issues. Working on finding a new person that takes insurance. (This guy has little time in his social schedule to watch his own kids and we do not have extensive or “helpful” family which is a challenge as well)
> 
> 1. I have to survive here, this is where I need your help. I internalize and always have internalized other people’s emotions and the way they treat me, I have not found a way to stop this mental torture of internalizing his abandonment, especially when I see it every day. How does one survive 3 or maybe 4 more months of living with the torturer without going crazy and dying??? Medicate?
> 
> 2. I’m having completely f#ed up mental arguments on a daily basis that go something like this:
> a. It would be SO easy to just stay! He will at least take care of me financially and I will have security through this pandemic. I can leave him _later_! He will even buy me a new car! (I wish I was kidding about this. I’m not.) He promised to never do this again, it was 1 affair in 17 years that’s not as bad!
> b. I’ll never make it on my own. I will not be able to make ends meet and take care of my kids. I won’t be able to find a remote position to pay the bills. We will live in a box and he will take my kids away and plop them in daycare and with some ho. (FYI, I have a graduate degree, this argument is actually not based in intellect)
> c. The pandemic and social unrest is going to cause the collapse of society and that is no situation for a single mom, a cheating a hole is better than nothing at a time like that.
> 
> And no, I’m not saying my mental arguments are valid or reasonable or even based in truth, but they have enough of a ring of truth that I can’t stop thinking them and it’s EXHAUSTING.
> 
> It’s the holidays, and this is just getting to me so badly. I miss feeling like we were a family especially now. I feel weak and stupid, like I’m being chipped away at instead of fortified by the stress and bull crap I’m going through. I know you all want to just shake me and tell me to buck the hell up... but IM WEAK! If I could stuff my fears and anxieties and emotions into a box until I was out of here I would. I’m terrified of leaving too! Just not as terrified as I am of feeling this way forever... which is all that keeps me on my path out of this hell. Someone help me. Strength. I need it. If I let myself make decisions based on fear of the future I’ll never forgive myself.
> 
> I am so jealous of the people who get to move out and on with their lives right away while the anger is still fresh and overcomes all the fears and insecurities. I feel like my situation is 150x more difficult than it needs to be.


Sorry have not followed your thread but have you exposed this to his family and friends? Personally i would be of the take no prisoners mindset.


----------



## Diana7

Have either of you got anyone you can stay with for a few weeks?


----------



## sunsetmist

OK, you keep saying (monkey brain), it would be so much easier to reconcile. True in some ways, except that you know you cannot trust him, that he is wanting and expecting you to fold, and you'd be accepting 'easy' over standing up to his disrespect, contempt, lying. He is not the man you loved, but go back if easier is more important to you. 

You seem to focus on how difficult this is and that maybe you cannot do it. Where did you get the idea that you 'need' him to survive? This is your decision, not ours. You know what is most important, not us. Easy--heck no. Imagine his smirk every time you waver. Imagine a big red stop sign every time you feel overwhelmed. 

Are you religious? Ask God for what you need!


----------



## QuietRiot

jparistotle said:


> Sorry have not followed your thread but have you exposed this to his family and friends? Personally i would be of the take no prisoners mindset.


They all know. They don’t care. His family is a bunch of cheaters and divorced crazies. Most don’t even live here. The friends all know. His friends are the enablers who don’t care. Mutual friends are staying out of it. Apparently my foundation was laid upon scorched earth.


----------



## QuietRiot

Diana7 said:


> Have either of you got anyone you can stay with for a few weeks?


No, and that was part of the attraction in the beginning, we essentially both come from families with no desire to be more than a holiday family, we had each other. Lame.


----------



## QuietRiot

sunsetmist said:


> OK, you keep saying (monkey brain), it would be so much easier to reconcile. True in some ways, except that you know you cannot trust him, that he is wanting and expecting you to fold, and you'd be accepting 'easy' over standing up to his disrespect, contempt, lying. He is not the man you loved, but go back if easier is more important to you.
> 
> You seem to focus on how difficult this is and that maybe you cannot do it. Where did you get the idea that you 'need' him to survive? This is your decision, not ours. You know what is most important, not us. Easy--heck no. Imagine his smirk every time you waver. Imagine a big red stop sign every time you feel overwhelmed.
> 
> Are you religious? Ask God for what you need!


Weakness and insecurity over the course of the last 6 years of my kids life, becoming a stay at home mom when they were born because they had health issues at the time... and then he made enough money for me to just continue being at home with them... always choosing men based on how likely they are to not leave me rather than based on their ability to treat me well...having a tumultuous childhood filled with dysfunction and father who never was a father... being bullied through school because I was strange looking until we’ll into high school... even became a catalog model for several years and still felt ugly, got several degrees and still felt stupid, there is so many things wrong with me it’s not funny. 

The sad thing is... I don’t want to stay. I know I don’t. So I don’t know why I have this other part of me that’s wearing at me???. I thought I was a pretty normal person before all this shined a light on my illusions. I essentially chose this life and where i am as I use hindsight. The very thing I was most afraid of is what I chose. I am so very aware of how pathetic and stupid I sound. I pray for strength and resolve every day.


----------



## sunsetmist

Break the cycle of your life--you can do this and think of the rewards. 
BTW: I divorced, went back to school/training, and understand some of your fears. I set a better example for my kids and rose above some serious illnesses. 

I'm pulling for you and want you to think about this: you seem to be letting the past, the pain, and your fears determine your future--if so this will never change. Do not let EXTERNAL things control who you are and what you stand for. Build yourself up internally--you have risen above a difficult childhood, a miserable cheating husband. You deserve better--build on your strengths, the foundation you have already begun. You chose to be a stay at home mom--did not build your worth on a vocation--bet you were a great mom too. You are smart, educated. Looks fade, focus on the positive not the negative. Others respect your depth, your rising above problems--BUT what others think must not rule your being. You are a human being, not a human doing.

I'm trying to say, don't sell yourself short. Be the person you choose NOW in spite of what has been. Hugs...


----------



## QuietRiot

sunsetmist said:


> Break the cycle of your life--you can do this and think of the rewards.
> BTW: I divorced, went back to school/training, and understand some of your fears. I set a better example for my kids and rose above some serious illnesses.
> 
> I'm pulling for you and want you to think about this: you seem to be letting the past, the pain, and your fears determine your future--if so this will never change. Do not let EXTERNAL things control who you are and what you stand for. Build yourself up internally--you have risen above a difficult childhood, a miserable cheating husband. You deserve better--build on your strengths, the foundation you have already begun. You chose to be a stay at home mom--did not build your worth on a vocation--bet you were a great mom too. You are smart, educated. Looks fade, focus on the positive not the negative. Others respect your depth, your rising above problems--BUT what others think must not rule your being. You are a human being, not a human doing.
> 
> I'm trying to say, don't sell yourself short. Be the person you choose NOW in spite of what has been. Hugs...


Thank you so much. I needed your perspective today. Your words have helped me immensely.


----------



## Openminded

I stayed the first time and got out the second time. The easier option, initially, seemed to be to stay. But that option, over time, was much harder than leaving and starting over. Trust, especially, was very difficult to get back. Now? I greatly regret not leaving the first time. Restarting my life in my late 30’s would have been considerably easier than restarting it so much later. But my time is written. Yours isn’t. I’m sure you’ll make the best decision for you.


----------



## ABHale

QuietRiot said:


> I need some help all. Emotionally I was doing so so for awhile, and now it’s back in the crapper.
> 
> Long story short, my new house is now pushed out 2 to 3 months. Lack of workers to build and finish things like electrical, plumbing, and roofing. Those who are not aware there is a massive housing shortage here, prices are astronomical and people are buying up homes the day they are listed, without looking at them, above asking price. Rentals are 3x higher than they were 2 years ago.
> 
> My not so estranged H had to move out of the rental he was in because they wanted to rent long term. You can guess where this is going. He moved back in 4 weeks after moving out. It’s awkward tense and stressful... though there is no fighting or anything... it’s just really jacked up. (People, he pays 100% for this house and the bills I am not in a position to tell him to get out and still pay the bills here)
> 
> Anyhow, he’s made it clear in the last few months he wants a reconciliation. Since I am not on board with that plan, he sees no reason to change his lifestyle and comings and going’s all hours of the day and night. Whatever... it’s what he does. However... now I have until MARCH of this sh!t!?!? I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and need a padded room by then.
> 
> I haven’t been able to see my IC as much as I like because of COVID, finances and babysitting issues. Working on finding a new person that takes insurance. (This guy has little time in his social schedule to watch his own kids and we do not have extensive or “helpful” family which is a challenge as well)
> 
> 1. I have to survive here, this is where I need your help. I internalize and always have internalized other people’s emotions and the way they treat me, I have not found a way to stop this mental torture of internalizing his abandonment, especially when I see it every day. How does one survive 3 or maybe 4 more months of living with the torturer without going crazy and dying??? Medicate?
> 
> 2. I’m having completely f#ed up mental arguments on a daily basis that go something like this:
> a. It would be SO easy to just stay! He will at least take care of me financially and I will have security through this pandemic. I can leave him _later_! He will even buy me a new car! (I wish I was kidding about this. I’m not.) He promised to never do this again, it was 1 affair in 17 years that’s not as bad!
> b. I’ll never make it on my own. I will not be able to make ends meet and take care of my kids. I won’t be able to find a remote position to pay the bills. We will live in a box and he will take my kids away and plop them in daycare and with some ho. (FYI, I have a graduate degree, this argument is actually not based in intellect)
> c. The pandemic and social unrest is going to cause the collapse of society and that is no situation for a single mom, a cheating a hole is better than nothing at a time like that.
> 
> And no, I’m not saying my mental arguments are valid or reasonable or even based in truth, but they have enough of a ring of truth that I can’t stop thinking them and it’s EXHAUSTING.
> 
> It’s the holidays, and this is just getting to me so badly. I miss feeling like we were a family especially now. I feel weak and stupid, like I’m being chipped away at instead of fortified by the stress and bull crap I’m going through. I know you all want to just shake me and tell me to buck the hell up... but IM WEAK! If I could stuff my fears and anxieties and emotions into a box until I was out of here I would. I’m terrified of leaving too! Just not as terrified as I am of feeling this way forever... which is all that keeps me on my path out of this hell. Someone help me. Strength. I need it. If I let myself make decisions based on fear of the future I’ll never forgive myself.
> 
> I am so jealous of the people who get to move out and on with their lives right away while the anger is still fresh and overcomes all the fears and insecurities. I feel like my situation is 150x more difficult than it needs to be.


Don’t want to shake you. Just sounds like you really need a hug from someone that really cares. I know the feeling.


----------



## aine

QuietRiot said:


> I need some help all. Emotionally I was doing so so for awhile, and now it’s back in the crapper.
> 
> Long story short, my new house is now pushed out 2 to 3 months. Lack of workers to build and finish things like electrical, plumbing, and roofing. Those who are not aware there is a massive housing shortage here, prices are astronomical and people are buying up homes the day they are listed, without looking at them, above asking price. Rentals are 3x higher than they were 2 years ago.
> 
> My not so estranged H had to move out of the rental he was in because they wanted to rent long term. You can guess where this is going. He moved back in 4 weeks after moving out. It’s awkward tense and stressful... though there is no fighting or anything... it’s just really jacked up. (People, he pays 100% for this house and the bills I am not in a position to tell him to get out and still pay the bills here)
> 
> Anyhow, he’s made it clear in the last few months he wants a reconciliation. Since I am not on board with that plan, he sees no reason to change his lifestyle and comings and going’s all hours of the day and night. Whatever... it’s what he does. However... now I have until MARCH of this sh!t!?!? I think I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and need a padded room by then.
> 
> I haven’t been able to see my IC as much as I like because of COVID, finances and babysitting issues. Working on finding a new person that takes insurance. (This guy has little time in his social schedule to watch his own kids and we do not have extensive or “helpful” family which is a challenge as well)
> 
> 1. I have to survive here, this is where I need your help. I internalize and always have internalized other people’s emotions and the way they treat me, I have not found a way to stop this mental torture of internalizing his abandonment, especially when I see it every day. How does one survive 3 or maybe 4 more months of living with the torturer without going crazy and dying??? Medicate?
> 
> 2. I’m having completely f#ed up mental arguments on a daily basis that go something like this:
> a. It would be SO easy to just stay! He will at least take care of me financially and I will have security through this pandemic. I can leave him _later_! He will even buy me a new car! (I wish I was kidding about this. I’m not.) He promised to never do this again, it was 1 affair in 17 years that’s not as bad!
> b. I’ll never make it on my own. I will not be able to make ends meet and take care of my kids. I won’t be able to find a remote position to pay the bills. We will live in a box and he will take my kids away and plop them in daycare and with some ho. (FYI, I have a graduate degree, this argument is actually not based in intellect)
> c. The pandemic and social unrest is going to cause the collapse of society and that is no situation for a single mom, a cheating a hole is better than nothing at a time like that.
> 
> And no, I’m not saying my mental arguments are valid or reasonable or even based in truth, but they have enough of a ring of truth that I can’t stop thinking them and it’s EXHAUSTING.
> 
> It’s the holidays, and this is just getting to me so badly. I miss feeling like we were a family especially now. I feel weak and stupid, like I’m being chipped away at instead of fortified by the stress and bull crap I’m going through. I know you all want to just shake me and tell me to buck the hell up... but IM WEAK! If I could stuff my fears and anxieties and emotions into a box until I was out of here I would. I’m terrified of leaving too! Just not as terrified as I am of feeling this way forever... which is all that keeps me on my path out of this hell. Someone help me. Strength. I need it. If I let myself make decisions based on fear of the future I’ll never forgive myself.
> 
> I am so jealous of the people who get to move out and on with their lives right away while the anger is still fresh and overcomes all the fears and insecurities. I feel like my situation is 150x more difficult than it needs to be.


I am sorry but this is bull ****. You need to lay down some ground rules. You are no longer together so 

1. He has to take care of the kids as and when you need to take time off (as if you were already separated). You are not his baby sitter.
2. He has to stop his ****ing around until you are divorced. This is disrespectful to both you and the kids.
3. Why would you ever consider reconciliation with this POS he has absolutely no respect for his family at all. 
4. I hope you have got a really bull dog of a lawyer and are going over plans with them? Do it, it will make you feel better.
5. Continue with counselling. Try and get out or visit friends. 
6 Stop accepting his minimization and ********, he will do it again cause there is absolutely no remorse. Stop talking yourself out of dumping him.
7 Tell all families and friends, make it real so that you wont talk yourself into accepting crumbs
8. You will get on your feet, you will find a job and life will be better than before. Anyway your cheating STBXH will have to pay you.
9. Society is not going to collapse, life will go on and stop making excuses for not sticking to your guns

One breathe at a time, you can do this.


----------



## QuietRiot

aine said:


> I am sorry but this is bull ****. You need to lay down some ground rules. You are no longer together so
> 
> 1. He has to take care of the kids as and when you need to take time off (as if you were already separated). You are not his baby sitter.
> 2. He has to stop his ****ing around until you are divorced. This is disrespectful to both you and the kids.
> 3. Why would you ever consider reconciliation with this POS he has absolutely no respect for his family at all.
> 4. I hope you have got a really bull dog of a lawyer and are going over plans with them? Do it, it will make you feel better.
> 5. Continue with counselling. Try and get out or visit friends.
> 6 Stop accepting his minimization and ******, he will do it again cause there is absolutely no remorse. Stop talking yourself out of dumping him.
> 7 Tell all families and friends, make it real so that you wont talk yourself into accepting crumbs
> 8. You will get on your feet, you will find a job and life will be better than before. Anyway your cheating STBXH will have to pay you.
> 9. Society is not going to collapse, life will go on and stop making excuses for not sticking to your guns
> 
> One breathe at a time, you can do this.


Thank you! Im not actually considering reconciliation, just having really jacked up fears and thoughts which I know are unreasonable. I’m sure I’ll keep having them. It’s just gets exhausting arguing with my insecurities you know?

I have a lawyer, and a legal separation in place. I got what I believe a fair deal.

As for the rest of it... this is not a guy that gets told what to do. He will take care of his kids financially and by proxy me...but I don’t recognize him anymore. He’s become someone I don’t know, so I’m not sure if he will even have the kids on overnights when we leave. 4 years ago there would be no question, now? No, I doubt it. And I will not beg him or force him to have the kids. My IC came up with some strategies with me to “play the game” in the mean time to get as much peace as I can get and it seems to work ok. (But not always because I am still human) 

Just an impossible situation for now but I WILL be moving out as soon as my new place is built. Christmas will be difficult BUT I already feel much stronger today. I just have weak moments... but never weak enough to have wavered from my plan thankfully. 

Thanks again!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

QuietRiot said:


> Thank you! Im not actually considering reconciliation, just having really jacked up fears and thoughts which I know are unreasonable. I’m sure I’ll keep having them. It’s just gets exhausting arguing with my insecurities you know?
> 
> I have a lawyer, and a legal separation in place. I got what I believe a fair deal.
> 
> As for the rest of it... this is not a guy that gets told what to do. He will take care of his kids financially and by proxy me...but I don’t recognize him anymore. He’s become someone I don’t know, so I’m not sure if he will even have the kids on overnights when we leave. 4 years ago there would be no question, now? No, I doubt it. And I will not beg him or force him to have the kids. My IC came up with some strategies with me to “play the game” in the mean time to get as much peace as I can get and it seems to work ok. (But not always because I am still human)
> 
> Just an impossible situation for now but I WILL be moving out as soon as my new place is built. Christmas will be difficult BUT I already feel much stronger today. I just have weak moments... but never weak enough to have wavered from my plan thankfully.
> 
> Thanks again!


Weak moments will come. You grit your teeth and get through them, being civil because little eyes are watching. Acknowledge that each moment is a tough one, but accept that like the previous ones, it will pass, and you will be one more weak moment closer to your goal. It's hard work, so naturally the psyche wants to avoid it, and presents insidious thoughts about giving up. Being aware that this happens is the biggest part of overcoming those moments.

So you have a separation agreement, which divides your time up with the children? What happens if you try to get him to operate on that schedule even though you are presently in the same house? During 'his' time with them, make yourself scarce. Hide in your room or go out and do things that take your mind off the situation.

Meanwhile, treat him like a roommate you don't like, and interact as little as possible. There is no point having discussions about anything. If you have to talk about kid logistics, do it over email.

Live-in separation absolutely sucks. But you know the end, and will get through it day by day. As the saying goes, if you're going through Hell, keep going.


----------



## QuietRiot

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Weak moments will come. You grit your teeth and get through them, being civil because little eyes are watching. Acknowledge that each moment is a tough one, but accept that like the previous ones, it will pass, and you will be one more weak moment closer to your goal. It's hard work, so naturally the psyche wants to avoid it, and presents insidious thoughts about giving up. Being aware that this happens is the biggest part of overcoming those moments.
> 
> So you have a separation agreement, which divides your time up with the children? What happens if you try to get him to operate on that schedule even though you are presently in the same house? During 'his' time with them, make yourself scarce. Hide in your room or go out and do things that take your mind off the situation.
> 
> Meanwhile, treat him like a roommate you don't like, and interact as little as possible. There is no point having discussions about anything. If you have to talk about kid logistics, do it over email.
> 
> Live-in separation absolutely sucks. But you know the end, and will get through it day by day. As the saying goes, if you're going through Hell, keep going.


He has many hobbies and activities (not even including banging a ho) and comes and goes as he pleases, as has been the case for several years. He has subtly hinted that he would change if I were to agree to reconcile. I already fell for that sh!t once.

I was advised by my lawyer that this works to my benefit as long as I document everything (which I do) in case he tries to get half custody. Which he has threatened me with once in anger, but doesn’t actually want. I have been essentially a single parent for years, with a husband who pays the bills and the kids see for a couple hours at most, on a good day. I lived in denial for a long time about this, excusing it as a midlife crisis. That parts on me. And I feel terrible for allowing him to treat my kids as though they don’t matter. That they aren’t a priority. Can I forgive myself for that? I hope so.

Anyway, learning a lot about myself and who he is. For the first time I’m actually starting to accept and understand that this is what was meant to happen, I just wish the timing with the housing market would’ve been different. But who knows, maybe this impossible situation serves a deeper purpose too.


----------



## jlg07

QR,


QuietRiot said:


> I lived in denial for a long time about this, excusing it as a midlife crisis. That parts on me. And I feel terrible for allowing him to treat my kids as though they don’t matter. That they aren’t a priority. Can I forgive myself for that? I hope so.


You shouldn't be so hard on yourself with this. Look, you loved the guy, had the kids, and in LTR's we all form certain patterns and habits in the relationship. MANY (most?) times, you just don't really recognize them.
Once things happen, you start to look at the actions, and say "why didn't I realize that?" Well, it's because you were busy LIVING your life.
NOW you know this, NOW you recognize this, and NOW you can change YOUR pattern in dealing with this.
Forgive yourself. Love your kids, be with them, have fun with them -- there really is nothing to forgive. HE is the one who needs the forgiveness for his actions to them, not you.


----------



## QuietRiot

jlg07 said:


> QR,
> 
> You shouldn't be so hard on yourself with this. Look, you loved the guy, had the kids, and in LTR's we all form certain patterns and habits in the relationship. MANY (most?) times, you just don't really recognize them.
> Once things happen, you start to look at the actions, and say "why didn't I realize that?" Well, it's because you were busy LIVING your life.
> NOW you know this, NOW you recognize this, and NOW you can change YOUR pattern in dealing with this.
> Forgive yourself. Love your kids, be with them, have fun with them -- there really is nothing to forgive. HE is the one who needs the forgiveness for his actions to them, not you.


Thank you, this makes a lot of sense to me.


----------



## Openminded

The old saying about hindsight being best definitely applies to dysfunction in marriage. After my long marriage was finally over, I could clearly see all those things I didn’t focus enough on at the time. But during the marriage it’s easy to make excuses for why things are the way they are. I did that for decades. Never again.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> The old saying about hindsight being best definitely applies to dysfunction in marriage. After my long marriage was finally over, I could clearly see all those things I didn’t focus enough on at the time. But during the marriage it’s easy to make excuses for why things are the way they are. I did that for decades. Never again.


Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!

I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now. 

Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it. 

Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!
> 
> I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now.
> 
> Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it.
> 
> Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.


I know too well exactly how you feel. I joined TAM primarily to help women see that they could survive the end of long marriages with a cheater and successfully move on. It’s a tough road, full of ups and downs. But then you rebuild and have a good life. I did and you will too.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

QuietRiot said:


> Tonight, I ran across some journal entries I wrote from earlier in the year, when he was cheating and I didn’t know. But I did know. I actually wrote, “he is cheating on me I can feel it” three times. Very eye opening, and also, liberating. There was nothing to save, my reconciliation was based off denial and fantasy, and I feel so empowered now. All this from 1 year or less of hindsight!
> 
> I never had control of this, it’s not even in my power to have saved the marriage because it was over a long time ago! I finally GET IT. After reading how miserable and in denial I have been, I feel so much more at peace. Knowing that this is what I’ve actually wanted for a long time, I was just too chicken sh!t to make it happen. I have been miserable for years and now I actually have the chance to be happy... I feel like I’ve finally woken up. That he exploded the marriage in such an epic fashion... it kind of feels like the best, worst gift I’ve ever gotten right now.
> 
> Screw the fears, I’m just going to do it scared. I want to see what’s on the other side of it. I have to know what my life looks like without him in it.
> 
> Thanks to you and everyone else that talk me through the hysterics.


I consider my ex's affair the best thing I never wanted. Would I prefer to have stayed married to the supportive, loving partner I thought I had? Sure, but that person didn't exist. I was married to an illusion, a façade, and in retrospect, I realize I had projected a lot of my own qualities where they didn't exist for the entire relationship. I'm so glad I'm not still married to the selfish cowardly narcissist behind the curtain. I'm a better person for the experience. Still wish it hadn't been necessary though.

Maybe someday I'll find a proper supportive loving partner, and be much better able to recognize one that comes along.


----------



## QuietRiot

2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke. 

The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!

I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares. 

There are no solutions besides waiting. None. 

Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes??? 

Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.


----------



## Diana7

QuietRiot said:


> 2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke.
> 
> The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!
> 
> I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares.
> 
> There are no solutions besides waiting. None.
> 
> Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes???
> 
> Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.


Is there no way you can eitther stay with friends/relatives or rent a small place for 2 months?


----------



## QuietRiot

Diana7 said:


> Is there no way you can eitther stay with friends/relatives or rent a small place for 2 months?


I’ve vetted so many alternatives early on. I still have my name on rental lists, and on the resale housing market, there is ZERO available in my $ range. Housing crisis of epic proportions and nobody is renting to short term renters. They have the luxury of waiting lists of people. 

I don’t have any family or friends close enough with space for me and the kids. He isn’t going to go sleep on someones couch and since he is paying 100% of the bills for this house. Technically he can tell me to move out since he’s keeping this house and I’m getting a new one. 

So, sleeping across the house in different rooms, it could be worse. But I’m being a cry baby. Its whine or commit someone bodily harm. So I’ll just whine. Lucky you guys.


----------



## Openminded

I know. I thought I would go bsc before my husband finally moved out during our separated-but-living-together period. It wasn’t really the million years I thought it was but it definitely felt like it.


----------



## Diana7

QuietRiot said:


> I’ve vetted so many alternatives early on. I still have my name on rental lists, and on the resale housing market, there is ZERO available in my $ range. Housing crisis of epic proportions and nobody is renting to short term renters. They have the luxury of waiting lists of people.
> 
> I don’t have any family or friends close enough with space for me and the kids. He isn’t going to go sleep on someones couch and since he is paying 100% of the bills for this house. Technically he can tell me to move out since he’s keeping this house and I’m getting a new one.
> 
> So, sleeping across the house in different rooms, it could be worse. But I’m being a cry baby. Its whine or commit someone bodily harm. So I’ll just whine. Lucky you guys.


At least there is light at the end of the tunnel.


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> 2 to 4 MORE months on my house being built. I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted version of a cosmic joke.
> 
> The stress of all of this is starting to eat me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have to long term cohabitate with a person who stabbed you in the soul and then do it some more and then some more because **** just doesn’t work out?!?!
> 
> I am eating, but I haven’t put any weight back on. I’m looking Angelina Jolie-ish. I’m sleeping but haunted by nightmares.
> 
> There are no solutions besides waiting. None.
> 
> Can a person die from stress? Feels like it. How can I go from terrified of the future to sick that it’s not happening every 2 minutes???
> 
> Anyway. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. There are zero solutions. I’ll go snuggle my kids and dogs and hopefully get my sanity back.


I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Yes, it's possible to die of stress, so try to practice a little self-care and go easy on self-criticism. I know that NOT easy, heck I'm still learning. Is there any way the contractor can finish enough of the house for you to move in? Like finish the kitchen, a bathroom and the living room or a bedroom?


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Yes, it's possible to die of stress, so try to practice a little self-care and go easy on self-criticism. I know that NOT easy, heck I'm still learning. Is there any way the contractor can finish enough of the house for you to move in? Like finish the kitchen, a bathroom and the living room or a bedroom?


They are mass builders, so they have crews come in and do a, b then c. It’s a choreographed process. 2 months wait on HVAC, 1 month on electrical, roofers are quick, insulation and plumbing not so much. So it’s the timing and availability of the specific crew that is the hold up. A year ago the same house would have been slapped up in 2 to 3 months. But no, they’d never allow me to move in without being 100% done.

I’m going to work on a bottle of wine tonight after the kids go to bed, then tomorrow is a new day.

*not that I’ll finish the whole bottle but you get the idea


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> They are mass builders, so they have crews come in and do a, b then c. It’s a choreographed process. 2 months wait on HVAC, 1 month on electrical, roofers are quick, insulation and plumbing not so much. So it’s the timing and availability of the specific crew that is the hold up. A year ago the same house would have been slapped up in 2 to 3 months. But no, they’d never allow me to move in without being 100% done.
> 
> I’m going to work on a bottle of wine tonight after the kids go to bed, then tomorrow is a new day.
> 
> *not that I’ll finish the whole bottle but you get the idea


Crap, sorry about that. 1 day at a time, my friend. _hugs_. We're here to vent, so vent away.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Try to put your focus on the future and not dwell on the present. You will be getting a brand new house, do you realize how freaking AMAZING that is?? All yours. Your taste, your decisions, your rules. No more being made to feel like shytt by someone else. A new start for you and your kids. You’re sooo close! I’m so proud of you, stay strong and focus forward!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## QuietRiot

3Xnocharm said:


> Try to put your focus on the future and not dwell on the present. You will be getting a brand new house, do you realize how freaking AMAZING that is?? All yours. Your taste, your decisions, your rules. No more being made to feel like shytt by someone else. A new start for you and your kids. You’re sooo close! I’m so proud of you, stay strong and focus forward!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Pinterest board house decor planning and a glass of wine really helped my state of mind last night. Thank you guys so much for your support... don’t know how I’d make it without this forum.


----------



## ABHale

Every time I see your name.


----------



## QuietRiot

Hahaha!


ABHale said:


> Every time I see your name.
> 
> View attachment 74459


Apparently my sperm donor left me more than his DNA... I have this affinity for metal bands. Whatev. I stopped questioning my own taste in 1985 in the school yard.


----------



## Chuck71

QR......... Saw you post on several threads and I checked out yours. What a tick turd he is. How are things going for you?


----------



## QuietRiot

Chuck71 said:


> QR......... Saw you post on several threads and I checked out yours. What a tick turd he is. How are things going for you?


🤣 tick turd!

Waiting for the new house to be finished STILL. Lots of shortages on supplies now and more manpower delays. It’s been a year of years.

I can’t actually complain too much beside the obvious, we are living amicably in separate bedrooms. No drama or anything. I count the blessings I have and try to live in the moment, when I start thinking about the future and all the unknowns I get really stressed out and afraid... so I try not to do that as much as possible. Just in a holding pattern really...

Posting here helps me a lot, reading other people who share the same ****ty experience... just knowing there is a community of people here has really helped my sanity.

Thanks for checking in that means a lot!


----------



## Chuck71

I will never forget the few weeks myself and WC had to live under the same roof. She knew I was getting the house in the D,

so it was no shock she was going to stay until it was final. Thank goodness the D wait was only 60 days. I wanted to fight for the M.

She acted like she didn't care. So I left the home and went to one of my rental properties to stay until she left.

It took only a few weeks to realize I did not wish to go back. The moment I started pulling away, she started reaching.

Funny how things work out....


----------



## QuietRiot

Chuck71 said:


> I will never forget the few weeks myself and WC had to live under the same roof. She knew I was getting the house in the D,
> 
> so it was no shock she was going to stay until it was final. Thank goodness the D wait was only 60 days. I wanted to fight for the M.
> 
> She acted like she didn't care. So I left the home and went to one of my rental properties to stay until she left.
> 
> It took only a few weeks to realize I did not wish to go back. The moment I started pulling away, she started reaching.
> 
> Funny how things work out....


It always seems to work that way huh? Throw away the marriage and family but then when they finally get what they want... they don’t want it anymore. 🙄


----------



## Chuck71

QuietRiot said:


> It always seems to work that way huh? Throw away the marriage and family but then when they finally get what they want... they don’t want it anymore. 🙄


I've always told BS to "give defiant people EXACTLY what they want"

Because 99% of the time, they end up not wanting...what they got.

WC made more reaches (for me) than a Roman bathhouse on dime beer night. Until I blocked her.

Then she tried contacting my now W. She wanted freedom, I gave that to her. Go bye bye!


----------



## lifeistooshort

After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing as "wanting". It is not logical, but it is often true.
-Spock


----------



## QuietRiot

lifeistooshort said:


> After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing as "wanting". It is not logical, but it is often true.
> -Spock


And this is now this going right next to my favorite Yoda quote on my corkboard, thank you very much!


----------



## lifeistooshort

QuietRiot said:


> And this is now this going right next to my favorite Yoda quote on my corkboard, thank you very much!


Spock was the man!

😀


----------



## Chuck71

I take it you already have Yoda's "You must now un-learn what you have learned"


----------



## QuietRiot

Chuck71 said:


> I take it you already have Yoda's "You must now un-learn what you have learned"


“Do or do not, there is no try.”
-Yoda


----------



## Chuck71

Do you like any of the first six Star Wars? Any of the Matrix? V for Vendetta?


----------



## QuietRiot

Chuck71 said:


> Do you like any of the first six Star Wars? Any of the Matrix? V for Vendetta?


All of the above and yes I like them. Fantasy, sci-fi, superheros, I find them all entertaining. 🙂


----------



## QuietRiot

The house, I amend… My house is closing soon. Very soon. Emotions are terrible at this time… it feels just as bad as the first few months when I found out. I still just can’t accept that THIS is my goddamned life. I feel angry as hell, and yet there’s nobody around to validate that anger and hurt to the extent that I need. It’s probably not even possible to feel validated ENOUGH for my liking. I guess I thought I’d be happy right now. I’m not. I feel a lot of anger and fear and of course my old friend sadness never leaves. Can always count on her. She’s not as cute as the cartoon one. 

I’ve been living in hell for a year, and it seems that hell just keeps stretching out before me as I contemplate the ruin of everything I worked so hard for and trusted in for so long. The construct of my entire life, laying in pieces. 

I have to tell my kids tomorrow. I have to tell my kids their family is over, and we are moving to a tiny house with a tiny yard and they won’t be living next to their friends anymore. While their dad stays here in our huge family dream house. Alone. (Until he quickly finds my replacement and moves her in here that is, then I’ll get to have that conversation.) So good times, they’ll get to come see their broken, depressed, angry father every other weekend in their own effing house, that will no longer be their home. It just makes me sick. Really. I would rather break my own legs than tell them, but it has to be done. 

I’ve been placed in an impossible situation where I have to be the mature and reasonable person even though I got **** on. Where I have to be the bad guy making all the decisions to “leave him” and “break up the family” but really… I didn’t make ANY of those decisions. I just get to carry the weight of following through on what he decided for all of us. But it’s only me who carries that burden, because I can’t be ok with my H putting his **** and heart where they don’t belong. None of it is ****ing fair to me or my kids. I would have walked on water to make this marriage work, I would have done anything for him. But he chose to throw me away. It makes me feel completely worthless. Which is ridiculous. I’m worth a hell of a lot more than he and his AP combined. That’s a fact. For one I don’t **** other people’s spouses, and for two, I actually take care of my kids with my whole heart and all my time instead of ****ing other people’s spouses. That alone makes me the better person by my calculations. 

Unfortunately, as you can probably tell… I feel completely the opposite of any progress I’ve made in the last 10 months. I wish he would just go back to the guy I married. I wish he would be a man and own his **** and fix his broken pieces, instead of a little b!tch that hides and covers his emotions with everything he possibly can use to do so. And I’m so ridiculously used to taking care of him, I’m concerned about his hurt. HIS HURT! The guy that treated me like worthless garbage is now hurting because his catastrophic ****up destroyed our entire family… and I feel bad for poor schmoopie!?!?! How very very sad he chose to screw someone else I mean it was just so terrible for him right? I’m sure he really didn’t like all those orgasms and the fawning she did over his perfect everything that was COMPLETELY FAKE. 

I don’t know how to disengage myself from caring about what he does, with whom and where. I am hoping that the distance will take care of that problem for me, but dropping my kids off at the house we bought together as our forever home is probably going to hurt like a ************. Not going to lie. 
Why am I so fixated on _things_? They mean too much to me. They are triggers, they are symbolic, they are everywhere. I need to work on that. 

Anyways. It’s going to be a really screwed up couple of weeks. I have some bookmarked reading for threads that I’m still going to work through if I can, but I’m going to take a time out, maybe a sabbatical is a better word. I just want to get my head right… it’s so so not right. I’m thinking horrible things like “why the **** isn’t he fighting for me???” Let’s be honest, if he did fight tooth and nail to make it right, I’d still be moving out. So why do I care? Why am I even toiling over a persons thought process looking for bright and shiny clues when he is COMPLETELY jacked in the head anyway? It’s like looking for a light bulb in a pile of elephant ****, why would I do it? So the point is, it never gets easier. It just gets more complex. If I would have been able to move out the first month, or two, or three… I’d just have the ****ty emotions. Now I have to untangle the trauma of trying to push through almost a year of living in constant anxiety and internal turmoil. 

Anyways. I’ll see you all…my friends and frenemies in a few weeks, hopefully from a much better mental place. From my new house. Thanks for reading my Great Wall of word vomit.


----------



## In Absentia

I tried to read the whole thing... but why is your husband staying in the big house and you are moving out?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Why have your children been kept in the dark about this? They could have had time to adjust to the changes coming up. Tell them ASAP and do NOT lie about why this is happening. You don’t have to attack your STBX to them but all kids deserve the truth about what is going on. 

I understand your anger, it is well placed. I really feel that being in your own place is going to be cathartic for you. I’m so sorry you are here. For what it’s worth I think your posts have been very helpful to others, so thank you for sharing. I’m rooting for you! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> I tried to read the whole thing... but why is your husband staying in the big house and you are moving out?


Page 1, post #13.


----------



## RNSoSo

Openminded said:


> I continued living with my cheating ex for several months, while we worked out financial details, after I told him I was divorcing him. It was difficult in the beginning but he soon found a new girlfriend so I really didn’t see him that much. The day he finally moved out was the beginning of my new life. I’ve never looked back.


Is he still with the new girlfriend? I am very recently separated from my serial cheating husband who found a new girlfriend only a few weeks after we separated. And I am just so mad and hoping that there is some divine intervention. I know that I should not be holding onto this feeling but I cant help it. Everything is still so fresh. It seems that he is just out and about enjoying his life while I am mourning, processing everything and raising our son.


----------



## Openminded

RNSoSo said:


> Is he still with the new girlfriend? I am very recently separated from my serial cheating husband who found a new girlfriend only a few weeks after we separated. And I am just so mad and hoping that there is some divine intervention. I know that I should not be holding onto this feeling but I cant help it. Everything is still so fresh. It seems that he is just out and about enjoying his life while I am mourning, processing everything and raising our son.


He married her as soon as the divorce was final. Couldn’t be alone for five minutes apparently.


----------



## RNSoSo

Openminded said:


> He married her as soon as the divorce was final. Couldn’t be alone for five minutes apparently.


Oh wow! Apparently not. I just have to remind myself that my STBXH is not my problem anymore. I know this will get better with time.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> Page 1, post #13.


Thanks!


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> The house, I amend… My house is closing soon. Very soon. Emotions are terrible at this time… it feels just as bad as the first few months when I found out. I still just can’t accept that THIS is my goddamned life. I feel angry as hell, and yet there’s nobody around to validate that anger and hurt to the extent that I need. It’s probably not even possible to feel validated ENOUGH for my liking. I guess I thought I’d be happy right now. I’m not. I feel a lot of anger and fear and of course my old friend sadness never leaves. Can always count on her. She’s not as cute as the cartoon one.
> 
> I’ve been living in hell for a year, and it seems that hell just keeps stretching out before me as I contemplate the ruin of everything I worked so hard for and trusted in for so long. The construct of my entire life, laying in pieces.
> 
> I have to tell my kids tomorrow. I have to tell my kids their family is over, and we are moving to a tiny house with a tiny yard and they won’t be living next to their friends anymore. While their dad stays here in our huge family dream house. Alone. (Until he quickly finds my replacement and moves her in here that is, then I’ll get to have that conversation.) So good times, they’ll get to come see their broken, depressed, angry father every other weekend in their own effing house, that will no longer be their home. It just makes me sick. Really. I would rather break my own legs than tell them, but it has to be done.
> 
> I’ve been placed in an impossible situation where I have to be the mature and reasonable person even though I got *** on. Where I have to be the bad guy making all the decisions to “leave him” and “break up the family” but really… I didn’t make ANY of those decisions. I just get to carry the weight of following through on what he decided for all of us. But it’s only me who carries that burden, because I can’t be ok with my H putting his *** and heart where they don’t belong. None of it is **ing fair to me or my kids. I would have walked on water to make this marriage work, I would have done anything for him. But he chose to throw me away. It makes me feel completely worthless. Which is ridiculous. I’m worth a hell of a lot more than he and his AP combined. That’s a fact. For one I don’t ** other people’s spouses, and for two, I actually take care of my kids with my whole heart and all my time instead of ****ing other people’s spouses. That alone makes me the better person by my calculations.
> 
> Unfortunately, as you can probably tell… I feel completely the opposite of any progress I’ve made in the last 10 months. I wish he would just go back to the guy I married. I wish he would be a man and own his **** and fix his broken pieces, instead of a little b!tch that hides and covers his emotions with everything he possibly can use to do so. And I’m so ridiculously used to taking care of him, I’m concerned about his hurt. HIS HURT! The guy that treated me like worthless garbage is now hurting because his catastrophic ****up destroyed our entire family… and I feel bad for poor schmoopie!?!?! How very very sad he chose to screw someone else I mean it was just so terrible for him right? I’m sure he really didn’t like all those orgasms and the fawning she did over his perfect everything that was COMPLETELY FAKE.
> 
> I don’t know how to disengage myself from caring about what he does, with whom and where. I am hoping that the distance will take care of that problem for me, but dropping my kids off at the house we bought together as our forever home is probably going to hurt like a ******. Not going to lie.
> Why am I so fixated on _things_? They mean too much to me. They are triggers, they are symbolic, they are everywhere. I need to work on that.
> 
> Anyways. It’s going to be a really screwed up couple of weeks. I have some bookmarked reading for threads that I’m still going to work through if I can, but I’m going to take a time out, maybe a sabbatical is a better word. I just want to get my head right… it’s so so not right. I’m thinking horrible things like “why the *** isn’t he fighting for me???” Let’s be honest, if he did fight tooth and nail to make it right, I’d still be moving out. So why do I care? Why am I even toiling over a persons thought process looking for bright and shiny clues when he is COMPLETELY jacked in the head anyway? It’s like looking for a light bulb in a pile of elephant ***, why would I do it? So the point is, it never gets easier. It just gets more complex. If I would have been able to move out the first month, or two, or three… I’d just have the ****ty emotions. Now I have to untangle the trauma of trying to push through almost a year of living in constant anxiety and internal turmoil.
> 
> Anyways. I’ll see you all…my friends and frenemies in a few weeks, hopefully from a much better mental place. From my new house. Thanks for reading my Great Wall of word vomit.


Change is scary, it's perfectly natural to be angry in the face of some major ones! Even though, as you said you were dealing while you waited, were you, really? I felt like I was in limbo while I waited for resolution before it was time to move. 

Your tiny spark of hope that the man you love would come back is now utterly disproved, that is hard to face, you'll adjust to the finality. When it came to it, I was angry, sad and then numb. Even though I knew leaving was the best thing, it still hurt to actually do it and has taken some time to get my bearings.

Like other posters mentioned, please the kids ASAP, they need to know and adjust without it being suddenly sprung on them, at least the older one (you have really young ones, right?). Keep your mind busy, body nourished and feel what you feel until you get a handle on things. 

I threw myself into everything I had to do and eventually it became bearable and I accepted my new path. The injustice of it all still freaking sucks, but it is what it is. Take care of yourself and the kiddos, hon. We'll be here awaiting you when you're up to it.


----------



## Twodecades

Hi @QuietRiot, I stumbled across this thread last night and began reading through it. I read your posts and replies. I really believe you're on the right track, here. Your WH is not R material, based on what you've shared, so the path you've chosen is a GOOD (no, EXCELLENT) one, even though it feels scary as hell. A cozy house with a financially secure, healthy, happy mom is so much better than a mansion of instability with a father that won't commit to his family.

Based on my posts and interactions with you, I think you are wicked smart. You've come so far from the beginning of this thread. Taking a few steps back emotionally is so normal, that if you didn't, I'd be concerned that you weren't really processing. I think you're doing so much better than you think you are.

Take a break or come back and vent...either way, I see a good future for you. ❤


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## QuietRiot

Update, for anyone. Or nobody. Whatev. Things are coming along nicely, waiting for a few key pieces of furniture and then it’s a done deal. Going slow and steady and it’s a lot easier on the kids.

FYI I consulted a family counselor about the “when you tell” at the beginning of the ordeal, and 2 to 3 weeks is the sweet spot for younger children, and I can see why. They went from terror, to confusion, to sadness, to anticipation and now they are just ready to move. So it’s all played out pretty well. They’ve been helping work on things, pick out their furniture and plan and decorate so it’s made things a lot less scary for them, and dare I say… normal. They still have a lot of emotions and questions but it was the perfect amount of time to make the transition and I’m glad I have had it honestly, there is a lot of these scenarios that go much worse than mine.

My house is slowly becoming my own, and I can feel the peace within those walls. It’s hard to explain. There is sadness in spades, and anger still of course, but there is peace there. I will be there full time within a week… emotionally I’m 100 times better than the last post. It’s all a gigantic roller coaster through sewage as many of you know.

After that I’ll start reading, catching up and posting on (haunting) all my favorite people and threads again. I miss your beautiful faces. And I miss arguing with some of your beautiful faces. See you soon friends.


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## Openminded

I was wondering how you were doing.

Come back soon.


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## Openminded

It’s been years now since I moved out of my “forever home” a couple of months after the divorce but I remember well the sound of the key turning in the lock as I walked away for the last time. My exH was already remarried at that point and the house was about to go on the market. I refused to look back because I knew I would likely break down and alarm my dog. It took a little time but things got better and better and better with each step along the way. Now I can look at old photos and remember the good times and smile. Remember: It’s a process. And you’re doing great.


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## 3Xnocharm

I completely relate to that peace within those walls. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe to others. I’m so glad to hear that your kids are so far handling things well, and that things are on a good track for you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

3Xnocharm said:


> I completely relate to that peace within those walls. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe to others. I’m so glad to hear that your kids are so far handling things well, and that things are on a good track for you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I totally agree 3X. The peace is priceless. I couldn’t imagine it until I finally had it and then I wondered how I had survived without it for so long.


----------



## Sfort

QuietRiot said:


> Update, for anyone. Or nobody. Whatev. Things are coming along nicely, waiting for a few key pieces of furniture and then it’s a done deal. Going slow and steady and it’s a lot easier on the kids.


Glad to hear things are going well. Hurry back!


----------



## sokillme

QuietRiot said:


> Update, for anyone. Or nobody. Whatev. Things are coming along nicely, waiting for a few key pieces of furniture and then it’s a done deal. Going slow and steady and it’s a lot easier on the kids.
> 
> FYI I consulted a family counselor about the “when you tell” at the beginning of the ordeal, and 2 to 3 weeks is the sweet spot for younger children, and I can see why. They went from terror, to confusion, to sadness, to anticipation and now they are just ready to move. So it’s all played out pretty well. They’ve been helping work on things, pick out their furniture and plan and decorate so it’s made things a lot less scary for them, and dare I say… normal. They still have a lot of emotions and questions but it was the perfect amount of time to make the transition and I’m glad I have had it honestly, there is a lot of these scenarios that go much worse than mine.
> 
> My house is slowly becoming my own, and I can feel the peace within those walls. It’s hard to explain. There is sadness in spades, and anger still of course, but there is peace there. I will be there full time within a week… emotionally I’m 100 times better than the last post. It’s all a gigantic roller coaster through sewage as many of you know.
> 
> After that I’ll start reading, catching up and posting on (haunting) all my favorite people and threads again. I miss your beautiful faces. And I miss arguing with some of your beautiful faces. See you soon friends.


This makes me happy.


----------



## QuietRiot

Well then. Here I am. I can’t say it’s enjoyable at this time but I guess that’s to be expected when there is crap everywhere and barely enough time to sort it. But I am not only breathing, I’m eating pretty normally, sleeping pretty well, and besides the crying and inability to watch anything remotely romantic on TV while folding clothes… I am doing okay at this survival thing. Any suggestions on shows/movies that have no “happy couple” storylines would be great if anyone has them. *Bonus points for gratuitous violence and burly men. 🙂 (I have barely watched any TV in years so this is new, people have been trying to get me to watch Modern Family for like… 6 years? I think I’ll pass on that one for a bit.)

Ran into an old friend the other day. We got to talking, and it turns out he worked at the same company and knew my H’s AP up until last year when he changed jobs. Oh what a small and stupid stupid world I live in. It’s like the 7 degrees to Kevin Bacon that the radio station used to do here, where they’d give you $ if they couldn’t find 7 people or less that linked you to him. But I’m 2 degrees to this AP in every direction. 🙄 I’d rather be 2 degrees to Mr. Bacon. Anyway, he has a low opinion of her, not like I needed confirmation on what I already knew but hey, it helps a bit to know you’re right!

There is the word fiancé, for that area before marriage and past dating. I need a word for the spot after marriage and before D. Where I may linger for a while. Sh!tté? D!ckhé. Douché. I’ll have to think of something. And no, D is something that isn’t possible for a while for quite a few legal reasons at this time. So STBX is not quite accurate either.


----------



## GusPolinski

Maybe “EXH” for “eventual ex-husband”.

And douché has a nice ring to it. 😆


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> Well then. Here I am. I can’t say it’s enjoyable at this time but I guess that’s to be expected when there is crap everywhere and barely enough time to sort it. But I am not only breathing, I’m eating pretty normally, sleeping pretty well, and besides the crying and inability to watch anything remotely romantic on TV while folding clothes… I am doing okay at this survival thing. Any suggestions on shows/movies that have no “happy couple” storylines would be great if anyone has them. *Bonus points for gratuitous violence and burly men. 🙂 (I have barely watched any TV in years so this is new, people have been trying to get me to watch Modern Family for like… 6 years? I think I’ll pass on that one for a bit.)
> 
> Ran into an old friend the other day. We got to talking, and it turns out he worked at the same company and knew my H’s AP up until last year when he changed jobs. Oh what a small and stupid stupid world I live in. It’s like the 7 degrees to Kevin Bacon that the radio station used to do here, where they’d give you $ if they couldn’t find 7 people or less that linked you to him. But I’m 2 degrees to this AP in every direction. 🙄 I’d rather be 2 degrees to Mr. Bacon. Anyway, he has a low opinion of her, not like I needed confirmation on what I already knew but hey, it helps a bit to know you’re right!
> 
> There is the word fiancé, for that area before marriage and past dating. I need a word for the spot after marriage and before D. Where I may linger for a while. Sh!tté? D!ckhé. Douché. I’ll have to think of something. And no, D is something that isn’t possible for a while for quite a few legal reasons at this time. So STBX is not quite accurate either.


I experimented with my own version of immersion therapy. I watched all 5 seasons of The Affair and got through it. It was not pleasant, I broke down sometimes, but I wanted to feel all the ****ty feelings, process them and move on with my life. Serial killer show binges were my next obsession. 

Sappy romances are actually harder to sit through, I scoff at dudes with big eyes and earnest looks as they swear undying love. (👉 Jack the jackals on Virgin River). 

The more polite terms for my dingleberry were Asshat, Buttmunch, ****head. 

You're doing well, chick. Hang in there!


----------



## GusPolinski

TXTrini said:


> I experimented with my own version of immersion therapy. I watched all 5 seasons of The Affair and got through it. It was not pleasant, I broke down sometimes, but I wanted to feel all the ****ty feelings, process them and move on with my life.


If that’s your approach, I’d also suggest the first season of “The Bridge” on Hulu.


----------



## QuietRiot

Well… I’d be willing to try this interesting process, if there is some kind of sweet justice? Can’t have the bad guys living HEA. That’s unacceptable. Just a little maiming???


----------



## LATERILUS79

Keep on, keeping on, QR. I got faith in you.  

I'm a sci-fi nerd and that's the direction my shows tend to lean. You could watch "The Expanse" or "Altered Carbon" (sweet revenge story lines in Altered Carbon). Both great shows with a decent helping of violence and neither of them have gratuitous love stories. 

If you want some serious maiming, might I suggest "The Boys" on Amazon? I find that show to be hilarious as it is almost a parody of the ever popular super hero movie these days. It shows what would happen if super heros actually existed with these over the top super powers. Lots of maiming and bodies exploding.


----------



## QuietRiot

LATERILUS79 said:


> Keep on, keeping on, QR. I got faith in you.
> 
> I'm a sci-fi nerd and that's the direction my shows tend to lean. You could watch "The Expanse" or "Altered Carbon" (sweet revenge story lines in Altered Carbon). Both great shows with a decent helping of violence and neither of them have gratuitous love stories.
> 
> If you want some serious maiming, might I suggest "The Boys" on Amazon? I find that show to be hilarious as it is almost a parody of the ever popular super hero movie these days. It shows what would happen if super heros actually existed with these over the top super powers. Lots of maiming and bodies exploding.


Yes!!! I’m starting a list right now, thank you.


----------



## TXTrini

GusPolinski said:


> If that’s your approach, I’d also suggest the first season of “The Bridge” on Hulu.


I'll check it out, thanks for the rec!


QuietRiot said:


> Well… I’d be willing to try this interesting process, if there is some kind of sweet justice? Can’t have the bad guys living HEA. That’s unacceptable. Just a little maiming???


It sucked at first, but I don't break down anymore watching stuff like that anymore. Definitely do it alone, it was brutal. 


LATERILUS79 said:


> Keep on, keeping on, QR. I got faith in you.
> 
> I'm a sci-fi nerd and that's the direction my shows tend to lean. You could watch "The Expanse" or "Altered Carbon" (sweet revenge story lines in Altered Carbon). Both great shows with a decent helping of violence and neither of them have gratuitous love stories.
> 
> If you want some serious maiming, might I suggest "The Boys" on Amazon? I find that show to be hilarious as it is almost a parody of the ever popular super hero movie these days. It shows what would happen if super heros actually existed with these over the top super powers. Lots of maiming and bodies exploding.


I second Altered Carbon, I loved that show!


----------



## lifeistooshort

I call my ex ****ty (rhymes with bitty) toupee guy.

Perhaps you could utilize one of his more "endearing" (yes that was sarcastic) qualities that way?


----------



## Blondilocks

You can call the period 'limbo' or 'purgatory' - I opt for purgatory.

As far as movies, go for the action such as the Die Hard franchise or something stupid like The Walking Dead or Fear the Walking Dead. Dark comedy like TBS' Miracle Workers with Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi is funny.


----------



## Blondilocks

lifeistooshort said:


> I call my ex ****ty (rhymes with bitty) toupee guy.
> 
> Perhaps you could utilize one of his more "endearing" (yes that was sarcastic) qualities that way?


I think you should do your former loving, step-daughter  a favor and tell her to break down and buy her papa a decent rug.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Blondilocks said:


> I think you should do your former loving, step-daughter  a favor and tell her to break down and buy her papa a decent rug.


She's a sahm who is knocking out kids like a nice evangelical, so she doesn't have pharmacist funds like she used to.

Maybe a go fund me is in order? He's well known (as is his toupee) in the running community here...I bet the goal would hit within an hour 😀

Sorry for the thread jack OP....the moral of the story is find a funny name that makes you chuckle. One of my friends had a picture of a **** head come up when her ex called or texted.


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> I second Altered Carbon, I loved that show!


The first season was really really good. Second one was meh for us.


----------



## notmyjamie

Glad you are finally free to move on and heal in peace. I have another 18 months before I can sell my marital and truly be free. Trying to make the most of it. 

You mentioned you like Sci-Fi…try Stargate. It’s an older show, very little romance. And lots of seasons to keep you occupied!!!


----------



## QuietRiot

I’m noting all the show ideas on my list! Thank you. I watched the Mandalorian with the kids and we all loved that. These are for me though so I’m looking forward to entering this decade of the visual arts.

As far as a nickname… you know this guy reminds me a lot of Darth Vader. I am changing his ringtone to the Imperial March. @Chuck71, as a Starwars buff, tell me your thoughts. I would do Jaba the Hut but he is in no way floppy and fat, though I have felt chained to his misery for over a year… 😂


----------



## QuietRiot

Thread jacks are a welcome distraction, just make sure they always make me laugh. Or you’re fired. 😉


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> The first season was really really good. Second one was meh for us.


I liked it. But then I'm a sucker for the whole honor above all storyline.


----------



## sokillme

The expanse is great.


----------



## LATERILUS79

TXTrini said:


> I liked it. But then I'm a sucker for the whole honor above all storyline.


Why am I not surprised you'd like this show, Trini?  

Every so often I'd certainly appreciate if my wife and I were on the same brain wavelength, but things like that don't bother me much these days after meeting so many good hearted people at TAM who have been ruthlessly attacked by the person that is supposed to love them the most. 

I'm pumped for you, QR. I'm glad you are having fun watching shows with your kids. I'm glad you have your own place to heal. I hope your eventual ex-husband hasn't completely turned you off towards men. There are many good men out there that would be ecstatic to treat you properly.


----------



## Asterix

sokillme said:


> The expanse is great.


I cannot recommend that show enough. But I still have a caveat though. It'd be better if you read the books before watching the show. The books are amazing. Each book is mapped out in one season. They need to leave a lot of it out and that's why some of the things may not make sense. 

"Stay away from the aqua!"


----------



## sokillme

I am going to take a bet that you will really like -

Longmire 

(great show, good looking alpha type guy, he is a widower).


Mindhunters 

is good if you can deal with it being basically a serial killer crime show. Not a lot of romance, the detective does date someone but it's not a great romance or anything. It's been a while since I watched it. I really liked it though - all the interviews of the serial killers are from transcripts. Creepy but great.

Ozark 

has some infidelity in the first episode but it's dealt with nicely  after that it very good.

Then there is the best show of all time -

Breaking Bad. 

I wish I could watch that again for the first time, it's so good. Also not much of a love story unless you are talking about about a car crash, followed by it's prequel

Better Call Saul.

I can't recommend these shows more - Godfather level TV show.

Black Mirror

Is like modern day twilight zone, each episode is stand alone, most are not about relationships.

Mare of Easttown *HBO*

Is great, again not much of a romance show but I am also bias as I am very familiar with that area of the country and by the end of the show they got the accent right (for once).

The documentary on Bundy and Son of Sam are really interesting.

Can you tell I like crime shows?

If you can deal with a happy married couple and want to laugh -

Kim's Convenience and Schitt's Creek

Are great.

Jack Ryan (with Jim Halper) *Prime*

is also good.

All the shows are on Netflix unless otherwise noted.


----------



## QuietRiot

Asterix said:


> I cannot recommend that show enough. But I still have a caveat though. It'd be better if you read the books before watching the show. The books are amazing. Each book is mapped out in one season. They need to leave a lot of it out and that's why some of the things may not make sense.
> 
> "Stay away from the aqua!"


nice! I usually do like to read the book before the show or movie, except with GoT.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> I am going to take a bet that you will really like -
> 
> Longmire
> 
> (great show, good looking alpha type guy, he is a widower).
> 
> 
> Mindhunters
> 
> is good if you can deal with it being basically a serial killer crime show. Not a lot of romance, the detective does date someone but it's not a great romance or anything. It's been a while since I watched it. I really liked it though - all the interviews of the serial killers are from transcripts. Creepy but great.
> 
> Ozark
> 
> has some infidelity in the first episode but it's dealt with nicely  after that it very good.
> 
> Then there is the best show of all time -
> 
> Breaking Bad.
> 
> I wish I could watch that again for the first time, it's so good. Also not much of a love story unless you are talking about about a car crash, followed by it's prequel
> 
> Better Call Saul.
> 
> I can't recommend these shows more - Godfather level TV show.
> 
> Black Mirror
> 
> Is like modern day twilight zone, each episode is stand alone, most are not about relationships.
> 
> Mare of Easttown *HBO*
> 
> Is great, again not much of a romance show but I am also bias as I am very familiar with that area of the country and by the end of the show they got the accent right (for once).
> 
> The documentary on Bundy and Son of Sam are really interesting.
> 
> Can you tell I like crime shows?
> 
> If you can deal with a happy married couple and want to laugh -
> 
> Kim's Convenience and Schitt's Creek
> 
> Are great.
> 
> Jack Ryan (with Jim Halper) *Prime*
> 
> is also good.
> 
> All the shows are on Netflix unless otherwise noted.


Separating my list by category now. Thank you. This forum is so helpful for infidelity and TV shows. Who-da thunk? People have been trying to get me to watch Schitts Creek for a while too. 

Good thing I have a Netflix and a bunch of other stuff. I didn’t even bother to get cable.


----------



## Rus47

LATERILUS79 said:


> Keep on, keeping on, QR. I got faith in you.
> 
> I'm a sci-fi nerd and that's the direction my shows tend to lean. You could watch "The Expanse" or "Altered Carbon" (sweet revenge story lines in Altered Carbon). Both great shows with a decent helping of violence and neither of them have gratuitous love stories.
> 
> If you want some serious maiming, might I suggest "The Boys" on Amazon? I find that show to be hilarious as it is almost a parody of the ever popular super hero movie these days. It shows what would happen if super heros actually existed with these over the top super powers. Lots of maiming and bodies exploding.


I have been a sci-fi fan my whole life, recently discovered Orson Scott Card's Formic War series (books). The Ender's Game movie impressed me.


----------



## QuietRiot

LATERILUS79 said:


> Why am I not surprised you'd like this show, Trini?
> 
> Every so often I'd certainly appreciate if my wife and I were on the same brain wavelength, but things like that don't bother me much these days after meeting so many good hearted people at TAM who have been ruthlessly attacked by the person that is supposed to love them the most.
> 
> I'm pumped for you, QR. I'm glad you are having fun watching shows with your kids. I'm glad you have your own place to heal. I hope your eventual ex-husband hasn't completely turned you off towards men. There are many good men out there that would be ecstatic to treat you properly.


I like men. I just don’t want one. Maybe that will change, but I’m just looking forward to being selfish. Except for when it comes to my kids. But yeah. Selfish. Maybe forever. 😂


----------



## TXTrini

sokillme said:


> The expanse is great.


I started watching it but quit, guess I'll have to give it another shot.


LATERILUS79 said:


> Why am I not surprised you'd like this show, Trini?
> 
> Every so often I'd certainly appreciate if my wife and I were on the same brain wavelength, but things like that don't bother me much these days after meeting so many good hearted people at TAM who have been ruthlessly attacked by the person that is supposed to love them the most.
> 
> I'm pumped for you, QR. I'm glad you are having fun watching shows with your kids. I'm glad you have your own place to heal. I hope your eventual ex-husband hasn't completely turned you off towards men. There are many good men out there that would be ecstatic to treat you properly.



I suppose you could say I am a sci-fi/fantasy nerd. I grew up reading /playing games in the genre and was thrilled when they started making fantasy movies and TV Shows. I would die happy if they ever made the first 6-12 Dragon Lance books into a TV Series.

A few more for the list, Quiet,
TV:
Hannibal
Jericho
Lost
Vikings
Britannia (Amazon Prime)
The Last Kingdom
Battlestar Galactica 
The Dresden FIles (only 1 season though)

Cute and Lighthearted:
The Orville
The Good Witch
Hart of Dixie
Jane the Virgin
Doc Martin
Young Sheldon 

Trainwrecks to make you feel better about your life:
Shameless
Casual


----------



## dubsey

Anyone slapped Ted Lasso out there? Nearly impossible not to put a smile on your face.


----------



## QuietRiot

dubsey said:


> Anyone slapped Ted Lasso out there? Nearly impossible not to put a smile on your face.


I will slap Ted Lasso. Right onto my watch list.


----------



## QuietRiot

Holy sh!t my fancy TV makes watchlists from all my subscriptions apps! I can’t believe you people were allowing me to use pen and paper for this.


----------



## ABHale

Black List


----------



## Openminded

Are you feeling free yet? When I finally got everything sorted and moved into my own place, I danced around like I was 20 (I’m many years removed from 20 and I never danced even when I was). It was awesome.


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> Are you feeling free yet? When I finally got everything sorted and moved into my own place, I danced around like I was 20 (I’m many years removed from 20 and I never danced even when I was). It was awesome.


It’s really weird… I feel like I picked up right where I left the infidelity VCR on pause. Mostly a lot of sad. Resentment more than anger. But also, I go to the store to buy groceries and I don’t have to think about cooking for him, which is really nice. I am decorating my house in things that no straight man would appreciate. And I am watching whatever the hell I want on TV. So I’m now going through things which I have suppressed for a long time, but I can’t complain about the things I’m already liking. 

My kids are “homesick”, so am I. But I’m sure that will change over time, as this place feels more like home, and the other place feels less like home. Well, I guess for me, the kids will still go back on most weekends. 

Overall, I’m not complaining. Hopeful. And yes, already a lot more peace… I’m not waiting for the next “thing” to happen. The next “worst thing” that’s worse than the last. There is something invaluable in that alone. My chest is unclenching. Weird that a chest clenches in the first place but that’s what it feels like!


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> It’s really weird… I feel like I picked up right where I left the infidelity VCR on pause. Mostly a lot of sad. Resentment more than anger. But also, I go to the store to buy groceries and I don’t have to think about cooking for him, which is really nice. I am decorating my house in things that no straight man would appreciate. And I am watching whatever the hell I want on TV. So I’m now going through things which I have suppressed for a long time, but I can’t complain about the things I’m already liking.
> 
> My kids are “homesick”, so am I. But I’m sure that will change over time, as this place feels more like home, and the other place feels less like home. Well, I guess for me, the kids will still go back on most weekends.
> 
> Overall, I’m not complaining. Hopeful. And yes, already a lot more peace… I’m not waiting for the next “thing” to happen. The next “worst thing” that’s worse than the last. There is something invaluable in that alone. My chest is unclenching. Weird that a chest clenches in the first place but that’s what it feels like!


Yes, I remember chest clenching. I didn’t know it was even a thing … before.

Leaving “home” was tough. I had intended to be there forever. I knew I would miss it and I did but each day I missed it a little less. Once I get to the dancing stage I had it made.

You’ve done a great job. Time truly does help — even when it sometimes feels that it’s one step forward and two steps back. You’ll get there.


----------



## LATERILUS79

QuietRiot said:


> I am decorating my house in things that no straight man would appreciate.


I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing at this sentence.

No straight man would appreciate.

It sent my imagination into a tailspin.

For some reason, my mind has decided that QR has decorated her house with a king size bed in the middle of a family room complete with 300 pillows on it. Posters of gay porn adorning the walls.

Ridiculous, I know. But as a straight man, I would not appreciate that.


----------



## QuietRiot

LATERILUS79 said:


> I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing at this sentence.
> 
> No straight man would appreciate.
> 
> It sent my imagination into a tailspin.
> 
> For some reason, my mind has decided that QR has decorated her house with a king size bed in the middle of a family room complete with 300 pillows on it. Posters of gay porn adorning the walls.
> 
> Ridiculous, I know. But as a straight man, I would not appreciate that.


Holy smokes Batman as a straight female I do not appreciate those things either, but I do get your point. 😂 I was thinking more in the theme of fandeleirs (Google it), and girly decorations. But if the gay porn keeps the players away I’ll wrap my car in it! School pickup will be interesting.


----------



## LATERILUS79

QuietRiot said:


> Holy smokes Batman as a straight female I do not appreciate those things either, but I do get your point. 😂 I was thinking more in the theme of fandeleirs (Google it), and girly decorations. But if the gay porn keeps the players away I’ll wrap my car in it! School pickup will be interesting.


You got me. I would not appreciate fandeleirs. I didn't even know that was a thing. The all look like death traps to me. I wouldn't want to walk under one. 

Glad you've kept that hilarious sense of humor chugging along. My mind went to dark places. I could imagine myself picking up my 8 year old twins with a gay porn wrap on my car. 

Didn't end well in my imagination.


----------



## Chuck71

QuietRiot said:


> I’m noting all the show ideas on my list! Thank you. I watched the Mandalorian with the kids and we all loved that. These are for me though so I’m looking forward to entering this decade of the visual arts.
> 
> As far as a nickname… you know this guy reminds me a lot of Darth Vader. I am changing his ringtone to the Imperial March. @Chuck71, as a Starwars buff, tell me your thoughts. I would do Jaba the Hut but he is in no way floppy and fat, though I have felt chained to his misery for over a year… 😂


Ego-maniac: Palpatine
Can't see beyond himself: SandPeople
Emotional Garbage Dump: Boba Fett
or my personal thoughts...... Ostrich because he keeps sticking his head in the sand and not facing reality


----------



## QuietRiot

Chuck71 said:


> Ego-maniac: Palpatine
> Can't see beyond himself: SandPeople
> Emotional Garbage Dump: Boba Fett
> or my personal thoughts...... Ostrich because he keeps sticking his head in the sand and not facing reality


Wow, it’s like you know him! Touché.


----------



## Chuck71

QuietRiot said:


> Wow, it’s like you know him! Touché.


Well...... I had what Foreigner sang about in 1987.


----------



## Chuck71

QuietRiot said:


> Separating my list by category now. Thank you. This forum is so helpful for infidelity and TV shows. Who-da thunk? People have been trying to get me to watch Schitts Creek for a while too.
> 
> Good thing I have a Netflix and a bunch of other stuff. I didn’t even bother to get cable.


Fully aware you have seen Matrix. But did you ever "watch" it?

When you have time, view Twilight Zone "The Obsolete Man" 1961.

Let me know your thoughts...


----------



## farsidejunky

TXTrini said:


> The Dresden FIles
> Shameless


If you like dark, twisted humor, Shameless is definitely it.

And for the Dresden Files, I have t watched the show but the books are among my favorites. 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Sarah91

QuietRiot said:


> Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. We did counseling and a lot of talking and he finally said he wanted to work it out and everything an idiot needs to believe he actually wanted to. Three months later I get a call from a friend that she sees him with some chick in public, so I go down there and catch them together in the parking lot, god knows where they were headed but I can guess. I somehow managed to control myself and not hurt the nasty little skank or my disgusting excuse for a husband.
> No I am no going to be that moron again, or ever again thank you very much. I am over all of my silly dreams of “overcoming infidelity” because I saw for myself what he was willing to ruin my life and my kids lives over, and it makes me physically sick. But here is the thing, I’m stuck in limbo until I can move out in 4 months so I feel like my healing is on hold until then, even though he is being decent now and not seeing her and being remorseful and kind because we have to live in the same house until then. (Just trust that there aren’t other options at this time and I want to keep an amicable arrangement for my own sake when negotiating the actual divorce)
> Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed. On the other, I physically puked for weeks just thinking about it, then it’s panic attacks, now I just.... can’t stop thinking about it over. And over. And over. She has tried to contact him since then and coerce him into responding. He hasn’t. Which has nothing to do with my demands he is actually trying to do the decent thing until I move out because he knows he’s destroyed all of lives. Anyways. I guess I’m just lost, grieving so deeply I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Literally. Hoping for advice on how to get through this so my little kids don’t have to deal with their mom being a mess. Do the visuals ever friggin stop? Do you ever feel like you aren’t being kicked in the face when you wake up?


I am sorry to hear about what happened. I’m kinda facing the same situation but mine is my husband had an emotional affair with multiple women. Honestly, the visuals, in my case, the text messages exhanged, won’t ever stop. I thought time could heal but after 7 months of finding out, I feel the same. I even had nightmares of it. He also flirted with a married women. I feel like all these people belong together. Cheaters should end up together. So they can happily cheat on each other. What I can advice is try to occupy yourself with something. When i was working, work occupied my thoughts. But now that I’m taking a break after giving birth, my mind starts to wander again. So, impt to find something you can focus on.


----------



## LATERILUS79

How are you and the kids doing, QR? 

Are you enjoying any of the new shows on your list?

Hope all is well in your new home and you are finding a sense of peace.


----------



## QuietRiot

LATERILUS79 said:


> How are you and the kids doing, QR?
> 
> Are you enjoying any of the new shows on your list?
> 
> Hope all is well in your new home and you are finding a sense of peace.


Hi! Thanks for asking. Doing okayish. There is a lot of conflict and emotion happening, some things I never expected.

I am super busy with the house and getting things unpacked and settled. Gives me a lot of time to think and ponder too which is kind of cathartic, kind of not. Sometimes I say to an inanimate object something like “F#ck you too you assh0le!!!” The stapler was not offended. At night I have to occupy my mind with something. That’s where all the shows come in. So far I’ve watched a few episodes of Schitts Creek, The Boys, Ozark, Breaking Bad, The Expanse and I have all the others on my watch list so I will be occupied until the there is a Zeta variant of COVID. 

The kids are doing well, they have adjusted wonderfully. A few questions here and there about the situation and what might happen in the future which I will honestly say “I don’t know.” If I don’t. But it feels pretty nice to have a lot less pressure and expectation on what I do, how or when I’m doing it. Not have to worry about pleasing someone or working on a relationship, or wonder where that guy is or what he’s doing. Not to have to “figure out dinner”every stinking night… my kids are so happy with Cheetos, mandarin oranges and carrots and ranch for dinner (and a big glass of chocolate milk). And interestingly enough, I am enjoying that there are much fewer constraints on my time and energy and efforts. It feels very strange to do things… because I want to, and they serve me alone. I let the kids pick out a bunch of decorations for their rooms and they love everything, they are just happy kids in general. It’s kind of unbelievable how easily they adjusted.

So things are generally good, just trying to get through my personal bull poop and process all the weird conflicting feelings and things I didn’t realize were coming… like wishing, still, that guy would “wake up” and “be himself” again. I guess that’s par for the course. Who knows. I don’t think there is anything normal about the whole stupid situation. A neighbor came and said hello the other day, said she’d moved from another state, asked where I’d moved from. I said “ohhhh a few miles down the road.” She looked at me like a weirdo, and I didn’t explain further. We talked about her teenage daughters and exchanged some “those crazy teenagers!” Antics like we are old ladies. It’s weird that I have different neighbors… and so many of them. Little claustrophobic actually. But I suppose I will get used to it. Don’t really have a choice do I!?!?

Anyhooo, that was a lot more than you were probably even asking. That’s another thing, sometimes I clam up, other times I have word vomit about the weirdest things. I’m sure that old man at Walgreens was delighted to hear about my missing tire valve cap and how you can’t trust anyone in the world anymore, THEY EVEN STEEL VALVE CAPS! “Honey you can get a dozen on that Amazon.” He was right. Sigh.

Thanks for checking in. In short, I’m still kicking!


----------



## Openminded

It’s a tough road, and it usually takes more time than you think it will, but you’re doing great. Never doubt that.


----------



## QuietRiot

notmyjamie said:


> Glad you are finally free to move on and heal in peace. I have another 18 months before I can sell my marital and truly be free. Trying to make the most of it.
> 
> You mentioned you like Sci-Fi…try Stargate. It’s an older show, very little romance. And lots of seasons to keep you occupied!!!


Watched a few and enjoyed this! Thanks for the recommendation.

I watched the whole first season of The Expanse. Liked it a lot!

Schitts Creek is really good watched about 5 episodes so far.

Ozark and Breaking Bad were sampled and I will be coming back to these. Ozark is really intense, someone is about to get killed like every episode… those people have PROBLEMS. Hahah kind of like Schitts Creek but unfunny, drug and money problems.

I’ve watched a few more but I doubt TAM verse wants to hear my narrative on shows. Just wanted to shout out and give credit where credit is due and thank you all for your suggestions.

Things are going well in general. Slowly getting used to being on my own. Weirdly satisfying and very low pressure. There are some things about my house which really work into my life well, like having a larger office space to work from, I don’t know why I didn’t make myself a better office space before but whatever. The kids have adjusted well but they definitely miss the outdoor space they used to have, they could actually ride bikes in the back yard. Now I have to worry about them getting run over by one of the many neighbors were I to let them ride bikes in the front street. I wouldn’t say things are worse… they are just different. I’m feeling stronger though. And more patient.

Have some other crazy stuff going on in my extended family that’s been a stressor and taken up a lot of my time and energy. That’s been more worry and stress but also quite a distraction from my own bull poop.

Anyways, it’s good to be back. I figured I should update my thread before I start posting and responding to other threads instead of showing up like the sneaky butler in Mr. Jeeves…Mr. Deeds? Whatever that dumb Adam Sandler movie is. (Watched that one too on a whim.)


----------



## LATERILUS79

Do all of your kids ride bikes? If so, is it possible to take them to a park every so often to ride? I fully understand that time is not exactly available for you right now. I understand the dilemma and it's so awesome that the want to get outside to play but don't exactly have the space to do it. 

Yeah, I knew you would love the expanse. It is a brilliant show. So many awesome and unique characters. They got a bump in their budget in either season 2 or 3. Can't remember. Anyway, they got a title song to go along with the show. So I watch shows with subtitles. I can't hear squat and I can't stand it when people mumble. So yeah, I'm that guy. The title song for the expanse says "Woman singing in Norwegian" in the subtitles. So random. Didnt see that coming. Whatever. I never skip it. I like the song. I make sure everyone in the house knows when a new episode has been released by blasting that song full volume.


----------



## QuietRiot

LATERILUS79 said:


> Do all of your kids ride bikes? If so, is it possible to take them to a park every so often to ride? I fully understand that time is not exactly available for you right now. I understand the dilemma and it's so awesome that the want to get outside to play but don't exactly have the space to do it.
> 
> Yeah, I knew you would love the expanse. It is a brilliant show. So many awesome and unique characters. They got a bump in their budget in either season 2 or 3. Can't remember. Anyway, they got a title song to go along with the show. So I watch shows with subtitles. I can't hear squat and I can't stand it when people mumble. So yeah, I'm that guy. The title song for the expanse says "Woman singing in Norwegian" in the subtitles. So random. Didnt see that coming. Whatever. I never skip it. I like the song. I make sure everyone in the house knows when a new episode has been released by blasting that song full volume.


This was like me and Outlander.. sing me song of a lass that is goooooone….. EVERYONE knew when Outlander was on. I used to prefer my shows with gratuitous sex and violence. (Ok I still do.)


----------



## Andy1001

QuietRiot said:


> This was like me and Outlander.. sing me song of a lass that is goooooone….. EVERYONE knew when Outlander was on. I used to prefer my shows with gratuitous sex and violence. (Ok I still do.)


You need to watch the Kill Bill movies.
Part two is my favorite movie of all time.


----------



## TXTrini

QuietRiot said:


> This was like me and Outlander.. sing me song of a lass that is goooooone….. EVERYONE knew when Outlander was on. I used to prefer my shows with gratuitous sex and violence. (Ok I still do.)


I LOVE that show, well, really the books. Jamie was my model for the perfect man. Tall, strong, scruffy with a strong sense of honor and loyalty.

Claire grew on me like a fungus eventually though, but I always thought she was rather whiny. I have to ignore her on the TV show, she's so annoying!


----------



## QuietRiot

Andy1001 said:


> You need to watch the Kill Bill movies.
> Part two is my favorite movie of all time.


Oh come on, I’m not a complete amateur! I loooove the Kill Bill movies. The music that Japanese girl group sang was amazing. Who who, who who whooo. Who who who who whooo. 😂 Lucy Liu is amazing in that.


----------



## QuietRiot

TXTrini said:


> I LOVE that show, well, really the books. Jamie was my model for the perfect man. Tall, strong, scruffy with a strong sense of honor and loyalty.
> 
> Claire grew on me like a fungus eventually though, but I always thought she was rather whiny. I have to ignore her on the TV show, she's so annoying!


SASSANACH!!!


----------



## Asterix

QuietRiot said:


> I watched the whole first season of The Expanse. Liked it a lot!


I'd suggest to read the books first before moving onto the TV series. The Books are excellent and they cover a whole lot of background that either goes unnoticed or not mentioned in the TV series. So, there are scenes that don't make much sense but they are there because they are significant to the story or build up the background of the story. 

If you liked the Expanse. I'd highly recommend the "Battlestar Gallectica" (the new-ish version from Sci-Fi). This series aged very well. It is amazing. 

Another show I'd recommend is "Fringe". Equally amazing TV show.


----------



## QuietRiot

Asterix said:


> I'd suggest to read the books first before moving onto the TV series. The Books are excellent and they cover a whole lot of background that either goes unnoticed or not mentioned in the TV series. So, there are scenes that don't make much sense but they are there because they are significant to the story or build up the background of the story.
> 
> If you liked the Expanse. I'd highly recommend the "Battlestar Gallectica" (the new-ish version from Sci-Fi). This series aged very well. It is amazing.
> 
> Another show I'd recommend is "Fringe". Equally amazing TV show.


I keep seeing Fringe pop up on my recommendations! I love to read so I’ll look up the series.


----------



## LATERILUS79

QuietRiot said:


> I keep seeing Fringe pop up on my recommendations! I love to read so I’ll look up the series.


I almost forgot about this show!!! It was excellent! Good story lines and great comedy relief by one of the main characters. This is also one of those rare shows that does a pretty good job of wrapping up the entire arc of the whole series by the end. Not something I’m used to. Definitely watch this show.


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## Marc878

QuietRiot said:


> Here is a question for those of you with young children, how did you break the news and what did you say? Advice on the best way to do this and what not to do. I’m talking 5 to 8 age group here.


Your dad has a girlfriend her name is ****** so we can’t be married anyway. Your kids at that age aren’t stupid. That’s all the details they need. Nothing more. Never lie to your kids plus you don’t want them shocked when he introduces them to her and he will. You’ll have no control over that.

No contact even with your kids is very possible and your best course of action. Limit communication to text\email kids ot divorce only. Ignore anything else. If not you will keep yourself in this.

A good friend of mine does this. He has 2 girls in grade school. He also told them the truth upfront.
They adjusted. No shared time. He doesn’t go into her house nor allow her into his. All holidays, birthdays are kept separate. Pickups drop offs are a couple minutes. No need for a chat.


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## Marc878

QuietRiot said:


> This morning he said out of the blue, “I just want you to know I will always love you and I know it’s not an excuse, but I just felt unwanted and it made me do stupid things.”
> I think my brain had a mini stroke from trying so hard not to scream “I DID NOT CAUSE YOU TO CHEAT YOU B**tard! And people don’t do this to people they love! And you were a TERRIBLE husband!!!” So on and on...Instead I kept a straight face and said. “Mhm”. And then just let the awkward moment sit there like a rotting corpse. He finally sighed and said, “Just wanted you to know.” And went to work. I wanted to scream and set the record straight, to stand up for my unstained integrity...But then I just thought... why? There is nothing to fix here, it doesn’t matter why he thinks he cheated does it? He will never understand the depths of the pain he caused me. Ever. And then I went and cried in the toilet room for a few minutes. There isn’t a point in even engaging in these useless conversations is there? I mean... arguments are meant to fix a wrong. To balance a tipped scale. We share our emotions and pain with people that can be trusted not the people that caused it... right?


Total blame shifting BS.
*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

No contact is your only good path. Better learn to ignore.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Andy1001 said:


> You need to watch the Kill Bill movies.
> Part two is my favorite movie of all time.


We watched KB I/II just last weekend, I still want a hakata hattori sword.


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## Andy1001

Emerging Buddhist said:


> We watched KB I/II just last weekend, I still want a hakata hattori sword.


The strange thing (to me) about the Kill Bill movies is that the guy who played Pai Mei (Gordon Liu) is the same actor who played Johny Lo the leader of the Crazy 88 gang.
I once dated a relative of his 😳😳


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## Emerging Buddhist

Andy1001 said:


> The strange thing (to me) about the Kill Bill movies is that the guy who played Pai Mei (Gordon Liu) is the same actor who played Johny Lo the leader of the Crazy 88 gang.
> I once dated a relative of his 😳😳


Very cool!

Now I've got the 5, 6, 7, 8's song going through my head...


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## Andy1001

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Very cool!
> 
> Now I've got the 5, 6, 7, 8's song going through my head...


Woo hoo
Woo hoo hoo.


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## QuietRiot

Andy1001 said:


> Woo hoo
> Woo hoo hoo.


My favorite is when it cuts to the weee wooo, weee wooo, that’s when she gets that look in her eyes and the blood starts spurting.


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## QuietRiot

Andy1001 said:


> The strange thing (to me) about the Kill Bill movies is that the guy who played Pai Mei (Gordon Liu) is the same actor who played Johny Lo the leader of the Crazy 88 gang.
> I once dated a relative of his 😳😳


Really!?!? I have to watch again now. And you’re basically famous now. 😁


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## QuietRiot

Emerging Buddhist said:


> We watched KB I/II just last weekend, I still want a hakata hattori sword.


Me too. Too bad he is retired.


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## Andy1001

QuietRiot said:


> Me too. Too bad he is retired.


His name is Hattori Hanzo.
As for being famous I lived beside Uma Thurman when she was filming the movie “ My super ex girlfriend”. 
She is hotter than hell and almost six foot tall.
I’m sure it’s a complete coincidence that my wife is five ten in her bare feet.


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## QuietRiot

Andy1001 said:


> His name is Hattori Hanzo.
> As for being famous I lived beside Uma Thurman when she was filming the movie “ My super ex girlfriend”.
> She is hotter than hell and almost six foot tall.
> I’m sure it’s a complete coincidence that my wife is five ten in her bare feet.


So am I. 🙂 I don’t own a pair of heels and finding a man taller than me is a little more difficult, however… I don’t feel “tall”, everyone else seems short. I bet she gets the same questions “Did you play basketball?”, “Are your parents tall?” Etc.


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## QuietRiot

Marc878 said:


> Your dad has a girlfriend her name is ****** so we can’t be married anyway. Your kids at that age aren’t stupid. That’s all the details they need. Nothing more. Never lie to your kids plus you don’t want them shocked when he introduces them to her and he will. You’ll have no control over that.
> 
> No contact even with your kids is very possible and your best course of action. Limit communication to text\email kids ot divorce only. Ignore anything else. If not you will keep yourself in this.
> 
> A good friend of mine does this. He has 2 girls in grade school. He also told them the truth upfront.
> They adjusted. No shared time. He doesn’t go into her house nor allow her into his. All holidays, birthdays are kept separate. Pickups drop offs are a couple minutes. No need for a chat.


That’s pretty good advice but not what worked for my situation at the time. I had to live in the same house for almost a year because of the limited houses on the market that I could go to.

I ended up working with my therapist on how and when to break it to the kids and it’s worked very well for me and the kids so far.

The situation is not bad, I can think clearly now that I’m in my own place. He is being amicable and holding up his end of the agreements we made. So the situation has stabilized. Thankfully. Now I’m just working on healing. 🙂 Thanks for your thoughts.


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## LATERILUS79

QuietRiot said:


> This was like me and Outlander.. sing me song of a lass that is goooooone….. EVERYONE knew when Outlander was on. I used to prefer my shows with gratuitous sex and violence. (Ok I still do.)


i can’t believe I forgot about this. Every so often, I’ll run into something that reminds me about it, but I’ve forgotten to tell you about a specific show that I’m pretty sure you’ll enjoy.

you want gratuitous violence and revenge?

please head over to Netflix and watch the two seasons of The Punisher. Holy shatballs

you’ll be getting plenty of guys getting shredded with knives and riddled with bullets. Been following the adventures of The Punisher since I was kid reading comics. Jon Bernthal was the PERFECT actor for this role. He is Frank Castle.
Ever since the evil empire (Disney) took over Marvel, I’ve been waiting for them to do more with the Punisher. Hope they end up keeping this show going or make a movie or something.


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## ccpowerslave

+1 to Punisher on Netflix. That’s a proper show.


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## LATERILUS79

It was another show that required full volume on the TV when the title song came on. Everyone in my house knew it was time for some punishment.

@ccpowerslave, if I could play a guitar, I’m pretty sure I’d be playing that title song to start my day every single morning. Lol. It would definitely get me into a better mood prior to heading to work. And the way all the guns come together at the end to form the punisher skull? Damn…. It’s a thing of beauty.


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## Birdiful

QuietRiot said:


> Found out my husband of over a decade, father of my twins was having an affair in April (since early December so almost 5 months?) Decided to be a doormat and tried to “work it out” even though he was so confused and didn’t know what he wanted. We did counseling and a lot of talking and he finally said he wanted to work it out and everything an idiot needs to believe he actually wanted to. Three months later I get a call from a friend that she sees him with some chick in public, so I go down there and catch them together in the parking lot, god knows where they were headed but I can guess. I somehow managed to control myself and not hurt the nasty little skank or my disgusting excuse for a husband.
> No I am no going to be that moron again, or ever again thank you very much. I am over all of my silly dreams of “overcoming infidelity” because I saw for myself what he was willing to ruin my life and my kids lives over, and it makes me physically sick. But here is the thing, I’m stuck in limbo until I can move out in 4 months so I feel like my healing is on hold until then, even though he is being decent now and not seeing her and being remorseful and kind because we have to live in the same house until then. (Just trust that there aren’t other options at this time and I want to keep an amicable arrangement for my own sake when negotiating the actual divorce)
> Here is my problem. The sheer, soul shattering trauma of seeing him hug her, hold her, in that parking lot. Seeing him smile while he knowingly betrayed me for God and all to see. Seeing her smile while she acted like she had any right to be in his arms. (She is also married with children btw, classy af). On one hand it was the killing blow of the marriage which is what I needed. On the other, I physically puked for weeks just thinking about it, then it’s panic attacks, now I just.... can’t stop thinking about it over. And over. And over. She has tried to contact him since then and coerce him into responding. He hasn’t. Which has nothing to do with my demands he is actually trying to do the decent thing until I move out because he knows he’s destroyed all of lives. Anyways. I guess I’m just lost, grieving so deeply I feel like I’ve been stabbed. Literally. Hoping for advice on how to get through this so my little kids don’t have to deal with their mom being a mess. Do the visuals ever friggin stop? Do you ever feel like you aren’t being kicked in the face when you wake up?



DAMN That hit deep. That disappointment causes such physical pain. I remember when I discovered my ex texted his ex for again (had been going on behind my back for 5 years of our marriage), with those "hearts and smiles". I almost puked as well. Because I remember that moment when he wrote her, he was very distant with me. I almost always knew when he was about to write her. I was struggling so much to save our marriage, to save my feelings, or what was left of them. When I saw that message, my first reaction was "Be a good wife, and just close your eyes on that". I walked like a zombie for a week, trying to be that GOOD WIFE for ****ing sake I dont even know where I learned that. But anyway. 
After a week, I felt SO disgusted with myself. For doing that to myself. For letting him hold me. I was disgusted in my whole essence. And I just bursted out! And he was so angry. That I invaded his "personal private space". LOL 

Long story short you know how it goes further. But after I moved out with scandals he said "Sorry for trying to live like a single man in our marriage". I was like "WTF is wrong with you???". I honestly didn't even think of it this way. He put words into how he felt all the way. And that's where my disgust hit the rock bottom. I am only thankful that we didn't have children. Because guess what, he said twice in our marriage "I am not sure you're the woman I want to have children with". 

A psycho. A covert narcissist. A kind soul. All at once. This was the man who fed birds in the garden, was polite to everyone, who smiled innocently. Was making me coffee to bed. And at the same time, didn't want to sleep with me in the same room, didn't want to be close almost all the time and went to his parents 3-4 times a week. That mixed feeling is the worst. Because it makes it harder for you to walk away. And my self esteem after those 8 years together is so low, I find it difficult to imagine someone is able to love me normally, like other girls. 

But you know what? It's over. You're strong. And you're going to give good example for your children. And be the light! For yourself, and for loved ones. And he, he will get what he deserves, and it's sad. But it was his choice. His responsibility. You did what you could.


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## QuietRiot

Birdiful said:


> DAMN That hit deep. That disappointment causes such physical pain. I remember when I discovered my ex texted his ex for again (had been going on behind my back for 5 years of our marriage), with those "hearts and smiles". I almost puked as well. Because I remember that moment when he wrote her, he was very distant with me. I almost always knew when he was about to write her. I was struggling so much to save our marriage, to save my feelings, or what was left of them. When I saw that message, my first reaction was "Be a good wife, and just close your eyes on that". I walked like a zombie for a week, trying to be that GOOD WIFE for ****ing sake I dont even know where I learned that. But anyway.
> After a week, I felt SO disgusted with myself. For doing that to myself. For letting him hold me. I was disgusted in my whole essence. And I just bursted out! And he was so angry. That I invaded his "personal private space". LOL
> 
> Long story short you know how it goes further. But after I moved out with scandals he said "Sorry for trying to live like a single man in our marriage". I was like "WTF is wrong with you???". I honestly didn't even think of it this way. He put words into how he felt all the way. And that's where my disgust hit the rock bottom. I am only thankful that we didn't have children. Because guess what, he said twice in our marriage "I am not sure you're the woman I want to have children with".
> 
> A psycho. A covert narcissist. A kind soul. All at once. This was the man who fed birds in the garden, was polite to everyone, who smiled innocently. Was making me coffee to bed. And at the same time, didn't want to sleep with me in the same room, didn't want to be close almost all the time and went to his parents 3-4 times a week. That mixed feeling is the worst. Because it makes it harder for you to walk away. And my self esteem after those 8 years together is so low, I find it difficult to imagine someone is able to love me normally, like other girls.
> 
> But you know what? It's over. You're strong. And you're going to give good example for your children. And be the light! For yourself, and for loved ones. And he, he will get what he deserves, and it's sad. But it was his choice. His responsibility. You did what you could.


Thank you! I am definitely in a much better place emotionally and overall now. It's strange that I can see so much with clarity and from a place of peace and safety in my life; His progression into the person he became, my progression into what I tolerated and allowed. And then the affair, and now it seems I have the script to the story I'd never been able to see when it was happening. Things just make more sense with time and distance. And healing. 

I think I still have a good ways to go, but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with the hard work and the introspection, the examination of things that are uncomfortable within myself and about him and my marriage. I can also see all the good things, the ways we worked, the things that were beautiful and good. But it's all tinged with sadness because it's gone now. 

As far as him getting what he deserved, well. He's reaped what he sowed. And he isn't in the greatest place. I don't revel in that, and I feel sad for him. I also feel sad for myself and my kids, but I have more hope and optimism than sadness now, for my life. I hope that he will make the choice at some point to find solace and healing as well. 

I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. I don't care how or if someone else would love me or treat me better like people say, like a condolence for losing a marriage. But no, I'm about me now. I'm dating a hot gal, her name is me. We get along, we have the same taste in music most of the time, and we never fight over the remote or pillows or blankets.

Thanks for reading my story, it was weird to read it all this time later but a good reminder of how much healing has happened.


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