# No one to talk to, need to vent



## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

First a little bit of background....husband and I have been together 12 years and have two small daughters, 2 and 7. For years we have been working opposite shifts, I'm on days he's on nights, so we don't see each other very often. We are intimate about once a month, which is ok with me because I have a low drive, but he wants it a few times a week (even though he's only home 1 or 2 nights a week).

I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate, I've never turned him down. The big issue is that he rarely initiates. We got into a big argument last night about all this. I asked him why he won't tell me when he wants to be together. He says that I should just automatically know that he wants it and that he wants me to come to him ALL the time. So, you want more sex but you're gonna leave it up to the person with LD to initiate? And then get mad when we only have sex once a month?!? 

Lets face it...with two small children, working opposite shifts, and me having a low drive, it's very difficult to "get together". Oh and another thing, he has a physical issue which he will not get medical help for, when we DO have sex he has to take a viagra and then wait an hour. Well there goes the spontaneity, I hope the kids don't wake up in the mean time .

Anyway...he's unhappy and blaming me for everything. I'll take responsibility for my part with my LD, but I'm not gonna take the blame for everything.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Bear7171 said:


> First a little bit of background....husband and I have been together 12 years and have two small daughters, 2 and 7. For years we have been working opposite shifts, I'm on days he's on nights, so we don't see each other very often. We are intimate about once a month, which is ok with me because I have a low drive, but he wants it a few times a week (even though he's only home 1 or 2 nights a week).
> 
> I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate, I've never turned him down. The big issue is that he rarely initiates. We got into a big argument last night about all this. I asked him why he won't tell me when he wants to be together. He says that I should just automatically know that he wants it and that he wants me to come to him ALL the time. So, you want more sex but you're gonna leave it up to the person with LD to initiate? And then get mad when we only have sex once a month?!?
> 
> ...


I'm your husband!!!

Well, without the medical issue. My wife is LD. I'm HD. We meet somewhere in... well closer to her, rather than the middle. She rarely turns me down, but i've got to the point over the years where i'd rather not initiate at all. I, despite knowing that she's LD, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids, all young.

I sympathize with your position, because the rational part of me realize its not a simple fix. My faith, my vows, and my love for my wife prevents me from doing anything foolish. But i wont' lie, in the back of my mind, i still would like to have more sex. We only live once, and its a shame to have to tip toe around the bedroom with the woman you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

In the meantime, my advice. Keep up the communication of your situation, try your best to help him with his confidence, us men... we have fragile egos. And not being able to handle our bedroom activities often and the way we used to affects us.

Sorry for hijacking your thread and making it about myself.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> I'm your husband!!!



Lol, you scared the crap out of me for a second there, I thought he had found me out! I totally understand what you are saying about making him feel more wanted but I need that from him as well. It seems like he is unwilling to compromise, I have to do to him for intimacy or affection, period.

This isn't just in our sex life either. I'm the one who takes care of the kids, does the housework, pays the bills, etc. Sure he helps me out once every two weeks or so by doing some laundry or dishes but it's just not enough. I feel like I do most of the work, I rarely get any time for myself (he gets plenty of "me" time). I know this is making me sound really selfish but I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> I'm your husband!!!
> 
> Well, without the medical issue. My wife is LD. I'm HD. We meet somewhere in... well closer to her, rather than the middle. She rarely turns me down, but i've got to the point over the years where i'd rather not initiate at all. I, despite knowing that she's LD, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids, all young.
> 
> ...


Rob,

I'm YOU probably 15 or 20 years further down the road. Wife is LD me more HD but after 27 years of marriage, I've had my share of rejections so I don't try much these days. On a low point now where it's been around 3 weeks I guess.

Like you, can't help but think its more personal. So i basically get to the point where i'd rather not even be bothered. We can easily go for weeks. In the meanwhile, i become more bittered, and more wondering about what life could be life with someone who actually enjoyed "jumping" me from time to time out of no where. We have 3 kids too but they're older (between 14 and 21)

OP, keep talking! Do what you can to fix this issue now! My main mistake was that I let iy go on for too long. I believed the whole "I'm tired, kids made me crazy today, I have to be up early tomorrow" stuff. It never got better. 

Yeah, we read the books, did the worksheets and talked about it with folks and things would get better.....for a while


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Bear7171 said:


> Lol, you scared the crap out of me for a second there, I thought he had found me out! I totally understand what you are saying about making him feel more wanted but I need that from him as well. It seems like he is unwilling to compromise, I have to do to him for intimacy or affection, period.
> 
> This isn't just in our sex life either. I'm the one who takes care of the kids, does the housework, pays the bills, etc. Sure he helps me out once every two weeks or so by doing some laundry or dishes but it's just not enough. I feel like I do most of the work, I rarely get any time for myself (he gets plenty of "me" time). I know this is making me sound really selfish but I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.


U don't sound selfish at all. You sound like a normal human being. I know its important to have your me time. My wife found this out once she start running with a bunch of Facebook women. She now has a marathon on turkey day that she can't wait for. You guys schedule isn't helping matters either, its putting a tremendous amount of pressure on you guys for "something" to happen.

There's no "simple" fix in your situation. But... there are folks on here that can give you just a bit of extra advice to help you. My wife got to the point where she basically said... she needed help from me. So i stepped up. Now i do handle pretty much 90% of the billing, and work 2 jobs since she's a SAHM. Do you guys get a chance for "together" time without the kids? I know that helps, its something we can't do too often, but it definitely helps. It brings you back to the time before you had kids, when romance came "naturally" and not scripted. Have the little ones spend the night somewhere with family.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Toffer said:


> Rob,
> 
> I'm YOU probably 15 or 20 years further down the road. Wife is LD me more HD but after 27 years of marriage, I've had my share of rejections so I don't try much these days. On a low point now where it's been around 3 weeks I guess.
> 
> ...


I cringe when i read posts like yours Toffer. I keep hoping that at some point, the female sexual peak will kick in around the time of late 30's / early 40's ... she's 36 now so we aren't far from it. But you are right though, talking does help... somewhat. But i guess hoping its going to get better one day on its own... methinks me a fool for thinking this.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

I'm very overprotective when it comes to people watching my kids. We don't have any friends that can watch them, my mom has mental issues and will end up in the hospital for a week if she's around the kids too long. My MIL has no problem taking the older one (she's her favorite) but there has been evidence of abuse against the youngest one the last time she babysat (she's never liked my youngest for some reason). No way in heck she's doing it again!

As for talking about things, it always ends up in a fight and someone getting their feelings hurt. How do I communicate without getting defensive?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> I cringe when i read posts like yours Toffer. I keep hoping that at some point, the female sexual peak will kick in around the time of late 30's / early 40's ... she's 36 now so we aren't far from it. But you are right though, talking does help... somewhat. But i guess hoping its going to get better one day on its own... methinks me a fool for thinking this.


Every woman is different. I kept waiting for her to peak and she never did. Hoping she'll get the pre-menopause/menopause high drive (she's 48) but I know that it can also be the opposite (no drive AT ALL)

I just hope I still have some interest when (and if) her drives rachets up. Sometimes it seems easier to avoid the whole issue of sex (I don't slap her on the butt anymore or stuff like that) so I don't come to expect anything or risk the possibility of being rejected.

I also feel now that's it's best to just not even get back into some kind of groove because then I'll want to have sex with her more frequently and the next thing I know, I'll be back to the same old same old and feeling even more frustrated

Sigh, i should have been a monk!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Bear7171 said:


> I'm very overprotective when it comes to people watching my kids. We don't have any friends that can watch them, my mom has mental issues and will end up in the hospital for a week if she's around the kids too long. My MIL has no problem taking the older one (she's her favorite) but there has been evidence of abuse against the youngest one the last time she babysat (she's never liked my youngest for some reason). No way in heck she's doing it again!
> 
> As for talking about things, it always ends up in a fight and someone getting their feelings hurt. *How do I communicate without getting defensive?*


You do it by constantly reminding yourself how the conversation will go if you get "too defensive." Nobody wants you to be a doormat, but stand your ground in away that keeps things going smoothly. You are in a position where you guys are still talking, many of us are past the point of even talking about it anymore. I joke about it now, cause its funny, as well as said at the same time. Talking about it only lead to arguing. U guys both want this situation to work out... so hopefully you can meet a compromise. Neither you want to end up like me and Toffer.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Toffer said:


> Every woman is different. I kept waiting for her to peak and she never did. Hoping she'll get the pre-menopause/menopause high drive (she's 48) but I know that it can also be the opposite (no drive AT ALL)
> 
> I just hope I still have some interest when (and if) her drives rachets up. Sometimes it seems easier to avoid the whole issue of sex (I don't slap her on the butt anymore or stuff like that) so I don't come to expect anything or risk the possibility of being rejected.
> 
> ...


Then i would of been that black monk sitting right next to you... and we both would of been content without any outlook towards sex. I hear you though, i'm always afraid to get caught up into too many sessions for fear of an immediate drop off.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rob774 said:


> Then i would of been that black monk sitting right next to you... and we both would of been content without any outlook towards sex. I hear you though, i'm always afraid to get caught up into too many sessions for fear of an immediate drop off.


You hit the nail right on the head!

Thread jack over!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> I'm worn out, I can't do it all. He set high standards for me and thinks of me as "super-woman" . I just can't live up to all that, I'm only human.


I think you need to fix this before you worry about sex. In fact I bet if you fixed this your drive would go up.

He can set high standards all he wants but being a super woman is a drive killer. And if he gets plenty of 'me time' and you get none? It's a miracle he's getting laid AT ALL. LOL


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I get that you can't be spontaneous with the ED issue but can you plan for it? Then, during the day and leading up to it, send texts talking about what you're looking forward to - what you're going to do to him, what you want him to do to you, etc? He may not want to initiate if he 'thinks' that you'll reject him but if he knows you've got a 'date' planned, it should help build to the excitement.

I totally get that having kids can make it a bit more challenging (Mine are 21 yo, 19 yo and now a 4 month old) but a healthy marriage including sex and intimacy is really important to a healthy family. Those kids will grow up and leave you and hubby alone with each other some day. 

As for the household chores, I think it's reasonable to have a conversation about splitting it up so it's not all on one or the other.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I think you need to share the initiating. My sex drive is increasing (maybe because I'm pre-menopausal) and even went to an expensive therapist twice in two years because my husband wanted sex all the time (still does) and I had a non-existent sex drive. However, like you, I don't think I ever turned him down and we had sex a few times/week and I initiated at least 1/3 of the time, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I should.

As hard as it is to talk about this with the husband (I know...it's so hard) maybe you can share the initiating - he initiates, then you initiate. Why does he have a problem with initiating if he's the one that wants it? Is it because he wants it, but knows that you don't, so he doesn't initiate, but blames you for no sex. 

Lots of mind games going on here. Hopefully your LD is a phase. My therapist sympathized with me - i'm working, raising 3 young kids, up early, take care of house, so she didn't blame me for such a low sex drive, but I can't really say that that was the reason for my low drive. I read some books and my mind set got changed, for now anyhow. Sometimes I think it will slip away again soon if my husband doesn't make sex a little more exciting for me, but that's another thread....


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

I've always had a low drive. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I enjoy sex with him very much and am always satisfied. But I don't think about sex, I need some kind of stimulation from him in order to want it. I've told him this but he just says that's a BS answer.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> I've always had a low drive. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I enjoy sex with him very much and am always satisfied. But I don't think about sex, I need some kind of stimulation from him in order to want it. I've told him this but he just says that's a BS answer.


Well, I think he's partially right. You can your part in starting your own engine. Start with setting a day/time so he can be prepared with his meds.

Then, earlier that day, start by sending him a text, something about what you want to do to him. Send him a sexy picture. Anything to get a response. When he responds, start visualizing that night. It will help get you excited. 

If you're too shy, pick up an erotic novel and read that. 

Pick up a vibrator or toy and surprise him with that. Even if he's not able to 'complete', he can help you. Give him a show.

Think about your husband like a lover - boyfriend. Someone you are trying to seduce and start the process. I guarantee he'll come around.

The problem a lot of people make is waiting for the other person to get it together. So both partners are waiting. And waiting.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Bear7171...Does your husband know about what you perceive as you doing everything, having no "me" time, and he has plenty of "me" time? Does he agree this is the case?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

he thinks you can be turned on and get wet out of nowhere? how selfish. what planet is he on? just because men can wake up with a hard on doesn't mean a women can have spontaneous wetness like the flip of a switch. there must be more to what he is thinking. what does he think is BS about your answer? 

anyway, since you need stimulation, I agree with TCSRedhead. Watch porn together or read some sex manual together.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> . . . two small daughters, 2 and 7. . . I don't have a problem with being intimate more often if he would initiate


A two year old and a seven year old? Of course reservations are required.

And his doing dishes and tidying up the house – that qualifies as foreplay.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

He's not even talking to me now. I wrote him a letter last night telling him how I felt and what I will try to improve in myself and what I would like him to do for me. I told him is wasn't fair to expect me to initiate all the time, marriage is 50/50. I chose my words carefully and hopefully there are no misunderstandings. I don't know if he read it though. I put it right where he puts his keys and wallet when he gets home from work so I know he had to have seen it when he got home (at around 3 am). Do you think I should just leave him alone now and go about my business, let him think things through?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> And his doing dishes and tidying up the house – that qualifies as foreplay.


I was told this too. Did it all. No effect


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> He's not even talking to me now. I wrote him a letter last night telling him how I felt and what I will try to improve in myself and what I would like him to do for me. I told him is wasn't fair to expect me to initiate all the time, marriage is 50/50. I chose my words carefully and hopefully there are no misunderstandings. I don't know if he read it though. I put it right where he puts his keys and wallet when he gets home from work so I know he had to have seen it when he got home (at around 3 am). Do you think I should just leave him alone now and go about my business, let him think things through?


Next time you see him, immediately pull him to your face, deep throat kiss him and whisper in his ear “tell me when”.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I was told this too. Did it all. No effect


Yes, well this couple is still early in their marriage. Early intervention for both. If I can get this woman willing to give it up for doing the dishes – well the husband should just cut me a check personally. Win—Win.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

now that you wrote the letter, follow it up with talking. tell him that it's very hard for you to talk about it, which is why you wrote it down (good for you!) but now you need to discuss how you feel. point out that not talking about it will not make it go away. come up with solutions together. agree that you will both try harder, whatever that means. for him, it means that he will try to stimulate you more. For him, well, you'll find out.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You aren't in highschool anymore. This is a topic for conversation, not notes left by his keys.

Also, why so overprotective? You admit "over"protective. Hire a babysitter. There are even services that screen people if that's what you're worried about. It makes children insecure when you need to hover and protect and it won't hurt them to see that Mom and Dad make themselves a priority and do things that are for adults only. 

Reconnect by going out for a nice dinner and to just talk to each other and don't talk about the kids! Run your foot up his leg under the table or sit beside him and run your hand up his thigh and whisper in his ear. You'll both be revving and have him take the pill before you leave the restaurant.

Don't wait for him to 'fix' you. You have to make it a priority because it matters to him and he's your #1. Yes there are things you want him to do for you but I guarantee after a night of rocking his world if you ask for help with something the next day he will oblige with a spring in his step. Rinse, repeat. Do it without expecting anything specific but he will want to do the things you need if you do the things for him that he needs.

Right now you're at a stand-off waiting to see who takes the first step. Take it.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

It wasn't my intention to avoid conversation when I wrote him the letter. He's not speaking to me. How can I communicate with someone who won't speak to me? I had to get my feelings out there somehow.

SpinDaddy: I tried to give him a kiss a few days ago and he immediately pulled away from me and asked me what I was doing. I said 'giving you a kiss', he said 'why', I said 'cuz I want to'. He said 'why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?'. I feel like I'm damned if I do-damned if I don't.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> . . . .
> 
> SpinDaddy: I tried to give him a kiss a few days ago and he immediately pulled away from me and asked me what I was doing. I said 'giving you a kiss', he said 'why', I said 'cuz I want to'. He said 'why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?'. I feel like I'm damned if I do-damned if I don't.



He’s probably gun-shy and mad cause you’ve been fighting on this.
A kiss or a sloppy, wet I want you to “F” my brains out kiss. 
He’s probably a “nice guy”, Beta-male, metrosexual (whatever the lingo is) cultured to not being “pushy” so you may need to work on the concept of “I need you to tell me when you need loving”. It’s not a disrespect to him this is what contemporary culture has done to men. Some of that is good some not so good.
When he does bed you, you really need to close your eyes and do it with reckless abandon so he will know that even though you did not initiate it, you wholly enjoyed it
Don’t think I’m advocating being deceitful or anything, you’re trying to put sex into a good context for him emotionally when he initiates it. Because, lets be honest, with the 2 and 7 year olds, the context of your sexuality has undergone dramatic change.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

SpinDaddy said:


> When he does bed you, you really need to close your eyes and do it with reckless abandon so he will know that even though you did not initiate it, you wholly enjoyed it
> Don’t think I’m advocating being deceitful or anything, you’re trying to put sex into a good context for him emotionally when he initiates it. Because, lets be honest, with the 2 and 7 year olds, the context of your sexuality has undergone dramatic change.


Oh, when we have sex there's no mistake that I enjoy it! I'm not laying their like a dead fish, I'm very into it...sounds and movements and telling him what I like. The entire problem seems to be initiation. I can't get horny at the drop of a hat, I need stimulation otherwise sex doesn't cross my mind. The only time sex enters my brain spontaniously is when my hormones spike right before my period, hence my initiating sex once a month


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> Oh, when we have sex there's no mistake that I enjoy it! I'm not laying their like a dead fish, I'm very into it...sounds and movements and telling him what I like. The entire problem seems to be initiation. I can't get horny at the drop of a hat, I need stimulation otherwise sex doesn't cross my mind. The only time sex enters my brain spontaniously is when my hormones spike right before my period, hence my initiating sex once a month


Hummm. I don’t mean for this to sound kinky, creepy or BDSM’ish but you might consider toping him i.e., for oral and penetrative as-well-as directing him in pleasuring other parts of your body. It may very well be that he does not feel comfortable wholly being the dominant partner and this is why he needs you to initiate but doesn’t understand or is unable to communicate this need. It would actually be a very loving need – that of pleasing you which he feels.

Does that make sense?


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## lovingthrill (Sep 17, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> SpinDaddy: I tried to give him a kiss a few days ago and he immediately pulled away from me and asked me what I was doing. I said 'giving you a kiss', he said 'why', I said 'cuz I want to'. He said 'why are you being nice to me all of a sudden?'. I feel like I'm damned if I do-damned if I don't.


It sounds like to me that you need to make a connection, you both need to show each other your love everyday in ways other than sex. If a simple kiss gets that reaction, it says that you don't show each other that you love the other.

If you are LD, he should not expect you to initiate all of the time, if it were that easy there would not be a problem. I am a lot like you, once in the moment I enjoy myself, it just takes that push. 

You both need to TALK...no matter how painful it is at first it gets easier, you need to work together to solve this.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

EnjoliWoman has it - hire a sitter. Your children will be fine - better actually, when their parents are connected intimately in a loving marriage. Go visit an adult store - pick out a DVD/toy, something you can enjoy together. 

Stop thinking in the past of he did this, I did that, etc. It's not going to fix anything. No more tit for tat. 

Sit down and talk. Don't get defensive when he tells you what he's thinking or you're teaching him this isn't a safe topic. Talk about what types of things you each like or fantasize about (there is no right or wrong!). I just found out the other day that my hubby likes dirty talk (I honestly thought he hated it) - it's good to let him know things that make you hot.


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## Bear7171 (Nov 15, 2012)

Yes, that makes sense. He comes from a family of dominant women and he likes that. Neither one of us is a dominant person but we both want the other to be the dominant one.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Bear7171 said:


> Yes, that makes sense. He comes from a family of dominant women and he likes that. Neither one of us is a dominant person but we both want the other to be the dominant one.


Work on that concept. It took us a number of years to stumble upon that in our marriage and without irony it was when our kids were about the same age as yours. 

That is, frankly, just a very tough time for intimacy – sexual or otherwise. I think that unspoken understanding we found has led to greater intimacy, understanding and better sex in our marriage – not that it was ever bad. 

The mechanics are relatively simple but it is the underlying, seemingly unrelated, emotional needs that really push a couple’s intimacy to a higher plateau.

Good luck. Now I need to get back to studying for board exams. I’m not a sex therapist I only play one on the internet.


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