# What to do with a "Dream Wife" who's a b*tch



## Nikolas

She's attractive, in good shape, very family oriented, Great cook, Good Mother to our children, Great in bed, puts out whenever you want it. She's personable, friendly towards others and makes friends very easily, charming, fun to be with. 

But like I say in the title, She's a total b*tch.

We've been Married for 14 years and have 2 children, Boy 13, Girl 10.. Over the years she's grown more and more disrespectful to me, she lashes out for no reason, I ask her a simple question and she snaps back, Unprovoked she constantly puts me down, not even caring how much it might hurt. She belittles, Instigates arguments, always finding something to complain about, I try to talk to her on the phone and she cuts me off, doesn't listen to what I say. 

She throws out the D word knowing full well I would never follow through with her threat for the sake of the kids growing up without a father. But that's changed, I'm now OK with it, so much that I was going to ask her for a divorce and Googled the best way to ask her, I carelessly left the search term in the browser and she found it, She was very upset and we had a long talk, I told her how I felt, I told her she's obviously miserable with me and would happier with someone else, she denied this and said she would never consider remarrying, It was getting heated so I cut it short and left the room, she was depressed for days, not talking to anyone. Then something interesting happened, she turned into the nice, sweet girl back when we married, no fighting, no arguing for 2 whole weeks, then last week it started all over again when I beat her in a game of Scrabble, YES, a game of Scrabble if you can believe it.

Some have told me she might have hormonal problems, but she's like this almost all time, except when friends come over, then she a completely different person, her old self, But when the guests leave, she's reverts into b*tch mode.. How can that be hormonal? 

I asked my kids recently if they think Mom is happy with me and they both said no. I had a good talk about divorce with both of them and they appear to be OK with it. 

Bottom line, I've had enough. I'm at the point that I want somebody else in my life, someone that will make me feel loved and wanted, Make me feel happy and good about myself again, isn't this the way it should be? 

Your advice and opinions would be greatly appreciated.


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## brokenbythis

Don't give up on her yet.

Get counselling, together, and see what evolves.


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## DanF

Always remember- It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, someone else is tired of her crap.
If you've been taking the abuse, you have failed the Fitness Test miserably. She has no respect for you. When you brought up divorce, she realized (for a short time) that you are a man after all.
Quit taking crap from her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

This seems to be a relational issue. Somehow her friends and kids elicit the true side of her with you she puts up defenses. Therapy can be helpful, changing environment or routines can be helpful if proactively done, taking up a new hobby together can be helpful (ballroom dancing, maybe?), inviting friends over more often to cement that part of her that you love... Somehow you are not getting the part of her that you would like to be given, so it is clear you have to change the way you ask for it. You can do it by force but she might grudgingly give you what looks like what you want (but really isn't...and you will know the difference and she will say, legitimately, well, she is trying and that is the best she can do it can't be forced or pulled out of thin air on her part!) or you can become an observer and experimenter and adventurer and play the fool a bit and figure out how to elicit the bits and pieces of her heart/soul that float away towards others. Marriage is a process, sometimes it is very very very very tough. Right now I am living away from my husband, I moved, signed a year lease, put my kids in new schools, pretty much did everything but file for a divorce. I will never go back to the same house he built and we lived in. I am not putting up with his abuse or doing things his way. But do I still want the side of him he gives to everyone else? I don't know...sometimes it seems to me he isn't really giving except when he needs attention to fill something that should be filled from the inside. For now I am listening and watching and waiting. I don't have many needs at the moment so I can afford to do this. I suggest you get yourself in the same place and it won't be so painful for you to go through this.


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## katc

You wife sounds like my husband.

I put up with exactly this from him. 

Criticism, snapping back, makes me feel like an idiot. He even speaks to his daughter like she's crap. Calls her a "retard", "baby".

I find him to be somewhat controlling in that he tells me how HE does things as opposed to how I do things.

I don't "put out" as you termed it - and why would I for a man whom I have no respect for and who treats me like crap?

Counselling won't help in my situation - I'm done. Not to mention we've been there, done that and it didn't help.

Get out. I plan to. Return to the land of the living.


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## LovesHerMan

Read the Man Up links in the Men's Clubhouse. You need to be calm and cool with her. When she makes the hurtful comments, look her straight in the eye and say that you do not deserve to be treated that way.

Deejo's fitness tests links are also very good for tips on how a guy to can stand up to a disrespectful wife.

She needs to know that you have boundaries, and you will not engage with her when she crosses them.


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## 827Aug

Nikolas, your post could have been written by my estranged husband. Therefore, I can share WHY I became a b*tch to him. This may not apply in your situation, but it's merely from my perspective. After twenty plus years of marriage I was beyond angry and resentful. Five years into the marriage my husband met none of my "love languages". I met his, but got nothing in return. I did 90% of the household chores, took care of three children, worked in our family business 60 to 70 hours weekly, and averaged only getting five hours of sleep nightly (for 10 years). Saying that my life was stressful was an understatement. Yet, my husband spent countless hours playing video games and had no responsibilities other than work.

You may want to really look at your situation and the stress level in the house. What's causing the stress? Are you meeting your wife's "love languages"? Is she meeting yours? If you haven't already read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman, you may find it to be helpful. And finally, if you can't get to the root of your wife's animosity, a therapist could be helpful.


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## redstapler

Funny you mention her getting upset at losing a game of Scrabble. Mine did too. She bugged me for weeks to play this app called "Words with Friends" (guilting me by saying I never do anything she wants to do). I whooped her by about 100 points and she tore a strip into me (in front of our yound children, no less), saying that I think she's too dumb and stupid to know all the fancy words and that I don't realize how insulting and rude that was to her. 30 minutes later, she wanted to play again, promising not to whine this time. I played one move and then resigned the game (she won by default). She then told her family that she beat me (as no one else had beat me at the time) and took credit for taking me down. 

You should read my topic: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/25346-unique-situation.html

Based on the comments and advice I heard, your wife might be a classic example of Borderline Personality Disorder. I also read a good book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that talks more in depth on people with BPD. It's so often confusd with someone who is bi-polar. But I also feel trapped and the abuse is escalating. Sounds like you are going through it too. While the "Man Up" topics might help, when you are a sale victim of abuse, there's unfortunately a stigma attached. 

A couple other good reads and resources:

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

Women Abusing Men

Good luck with your situation. Sounds like you've got more strength and are more prepared for the inevitable that I am...


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## Runs like Dog

A woman who believes that being a temperamental super high maintenance be-otch as a justified expression of her femininity and special wonderful-ness?

Where do you get this crazy talk?

I would simply ask her what her specific requirements for being treated appropriately as a trophy bride, are.


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## Uptown

Nikolas, I agree with Redstapler that some of the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, inappropriate anger, and lack of impulse control -- sound like BPD traits. Their are two significant contraindications, however. One is that your W apparently was not behaving like this for most of the 14 years of marriage. Specifically, you say "Over the years she's grown more and more disrespectful to me." If a woman has a strong pattern of BPD traits, those dysfunctional traits do not lie hidden for several years and then gradually come to the surface over a period of years. Instead, they would have started showing themselves right after the infatuation period, which typically lasts up to six months. Hence, even if you chose to ignore the red flags, you would now remember having seen them.

The second thing that is inconsistent with a pattern of strong BPD traits is your statement that "she's like this almost all time, except when friends come over." Her treating you like dirt nearly all the time, while treating her friends well all the time, is evidence that she is emotionally stable because such behavior is consistent and predictable. If she were unstable, you would be seeing her treating you very well for a week and then, in ten seconds, flip to verbally abusing you. 

That behavior occurs with BPDers because they often do "splitting," wherein they perceive of people as being "all good" or "all bad" -- and they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor infraction or idle comment. Granted, BPDers usually will eventually reach the point of consistently treating their partners badly when they have split those partners black permanently. Yet, if your W really were a BPDer, there would be other evidence of her instability to point to.


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## Runs like Dog

On a scale of 1 to Joan Crawford, how 'difficult' is she? *****y crabby difficult? Alien vs Sigourney Weaver difficult?


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## Nikolas

What a great Forum this is, I wish I found it 7 years ago.

I want to thank all of you for contributing your thoughts, Theirs a lot of good information and advice here and I'm going to do my best to respond to your posts.




DanF said:


> Always remember- It doesn't matter how beautiful she is, someone else is tired of her crap.
> If you've been taking the abuse, you have failed the Fitness Test miserably. She has no respect for you. When you brought up divorce, she realized (for a short time) that you are a man after all.
> Quit taking crap from her.


I don't take it, I always stick up for myself and when she sees she's losing the argument she shuts up. There are time when she intentionally hurts my feelings, that when we don't talk for days or even a week, and it's usually her who tries to make amends, either sending me a text message or using the kids as messengers. The smaller arguments are over and forgotten the next day, but for each argument, it eats away at the love I have for her.


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## Nikolas

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> This seems to be a relational issue. Somehow her friends and kids elicit the true side of her with you she puts up defenses.


Agree.




Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Therapy can be helpful, changing environment or routines can be helpful if proactively done, taking up a new hobby together can be helpful (ballroom dancing, maybe?), inviting friends over more often to cement that part of her that you love. Somehow you are not getting the part of her that you would like to be given, so it is clear you have to change the way you ask for it.


We do the change of environment thing quite often, this month alone we spent 3 days in Las Vegas, 5 days in Palm Springs, 4 gatherings with friends, Swimming, Biking, Dinners, Clubbing... We argue like hell in the car going to these places but when we get there she's as happy as can be.


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## Nikolas

katc said:


> You wife sounds like my husband.
> 
> I put up with exactly this from him.
> 
> Criticism, snapping back, makes me feel like an idiot. He even speaks to his daughter like she's crap. Calls her a "retard", "baby".
> 
> I find him to be somewhat controlling in that he tells me how HE does things as opposed to how I do things.
> 
> I don't "put out" as you termed it - and why would I for a man whom I have no respect for and who treats me like crap?
> 
> Counselling won't help in my situation - I'm done. Not to mention we've been there, done that and it didn't help.
> 
> Get out. I plan to. Return to the land of the living.


Sorry to hear your going through, sounds worse than my situation.. "Return to the land of the living" I like that, I just hop you and I have the courage to follow through with it, I think I do if it comes to that.

My Wife has been yelling at our kids a lot more, but nothing abusive, no name calling or anything like that... She does try to control me in some ways, but I resist and again it leads to arguing.

As for sex, Several weeks ago for the first time in our Marriage while making love, I didn't feel anything for her, it was like I was making love to a piece of meat, and I haven't had one single desire to have sex with her since then.


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## Nikolas

redstapler said:


> Funny you mention her getting upset at losing a game of Scrabble. Mine did too. She bugged me for weeks to play this app called "Words with Friends" (guilting me by saying I never do anything she wants to do).
> 
> SAME EXACT situation and guilt trip. It's the same thing when we have friends over for Poker, A full table of 10 players and when we go head to head, if she wins the hand she gloats, when she loses the hand, I'm the worst husband in the world who doesn't love his Wife.. And she's never afraid to take personal jabs at me in front of friends either, I choose to ignore them because 1) I'm not going to make my guests feel uncomfortable and 2) I'm afraid of what I might say if I argue back, it would embarrass the hell out of her.
> 
> I'm the bread winner in the family, theirs not a thing I dont pay for.. She works part time and keeps what she earns for her own spending money, she doesn't make much.. I put her through nursing school and she's going to start working next year at a much higher pay rate. I was thinking that would be the best time to end it, when she's financially stable.
> 
> Thank you for the links my friend, I'll check the books out on Amazon.


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## Nikolas

Runs like Dog said:


> On a scale of 1 to Joan Crawford, how 'difficult' is she? *****y crabby difficult? Alien vs Sigourney Weaver difficult?


Alice on the Honeymooners, but to a verbally brutal extreme.

She criticizes EVERY ****ing thing I do, I can do NO right, If theirs an opportunity to insult me, she'll take it, Every idea I share with her is "Stupid", every suggestion I have is 'Stupid" It's stupid for me to make a Will, Stupid for me to see a Doctor, It was stupid for me to have Lasik. When she totaled the car and put our son in the hospital, it was my fault.. She was driving and I was at Home.

And today we found out our 13 year old son has been watching porn on the internet, My fault again for not setting the parental settings on HER computer.

And when she blew the engine in her car for running it with no oil, not knowing what the oil light icon meant, that was my fault too for not checking the oil. 

She spilled boiling hot water on her leg a couple weeks ago and I showed how concerned I was and helped her the best I could.. Well a couple days ago I accidentally spilled a glass with ice on the wood floor and she called me careless and stupid... I was tempted to bring up the water spill on her leg, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. I guess that's the difference between us, I care about her feelings but she doesn't care about mine.


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## LovesHerMan

You need to put your foot down now. Stand up to this verbal abuse. The nicer and more caring that you are, the worse it will get. She does not respect you, and you must challenge her calmly as you would a 2 year old with a temper tantrum.

Tell her you will not tolerate her abuse. Walk away after you have made your point clear.


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## Jellybeans

Call her out on her bad behavior. She doesn't sound lik ea "dream" she sounds like a "nightmare."

She will either step up to plate, own the bad behavior and commit to changing it. If she doesn't, you have two options: tolerate living in this toxic dynamic or get out of the relationship.

She sounds like an abuser. They usually don't change. Not without wanting to. They tend to get worse over time.


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## Runs like Dog

Nikolas said:


> And when she blew the engine in her car for running it with no oil, not knowing what the oil light icon meant, that was my fault too for not checking the oil.


I just replaced a $4,000 transmission in my wife's car under very similar circumstances. 

People who are NEVER EVER taking a role in their own lives, who NEVER take responsibility, who ALWAYS blame others for everything, who ALWAYS hold everyone ELSE accountable and never themselves, will NEVER EVER change. 

The anger and horrible-ness your wife shows you are just the affect of that inner lack of responsibility. Mommy drinks because you're bad. You made me throw an ashtray at your head. You told me to run that red light and t-bone the van. 

These are people who live in a completely different reality than you do. Theirs is a world of self imposed unending suffering & victimhood they believe is 100% the fault of anyone everyone else. It's a kind of petty passive aggression blown up to monstrous paranoid psychotic dimensions.


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## Nikolas

lovesherman said:


> Tell her you will not tolerate her abuse. Walk away after you have made your point clear.


Did this a few times and it worked quite well, but she reverts right back to her old self. I think it has more to do with her trying to change me, she has a set of standards and I'm not living up to them.




Jellybeans said:


> She sounds like an abuser. They usually don't change. Not without wanting to. They tend to get worse over time.


That's her... And I've called her out many times, all she does is deny it, tells me I'm exaggerating, that I'm too sensitive.

Today we had a big blow up, She was filling out some forms for our sons school enrollment, She asked me if she should complete a form that restricted the Military from contacting our son in School, I looked at the form and told her I didn't have a problem with it and that we shouldn't deny him from hearing what they have to say or offer, her response was; "I'm filling it out anyway, I don't want my son to be killed", I told her he's only 13 and he's not able to enroll anyway, she replied with STFU!, (she started using 4 letter words just recently, it's escalated to that) That's when I went off on her, asking her why the hell even ask me in the first place if you were going to make the final decision anyway? why ask for my input at all? then she slammed the papers on the table and told me to fill them out.




Runs like Dog said:


> I just replaced a $4,000 transmission in my wife's car under very similar circumstances.
> 
> People who are NEVER EVER taking a role in their own lives, who NEVER take responsibility, who ALWAYS blame others for everything, who ALWAYS hold everyone ELSE accountable and never themselves, will NEVER EVER change.


I'm afraid your right.. I look back to the first years of our marriage and she didn't take responsibility then, but back then she never pointed blame, she must of been keeping it bottled inside and now that she's comfortable in the marriage, she's not holding anything back.

Sorry to hear about the Transmission, were you blamed for it? Us husbands carry remote controls that disable parts of the car while Princess is driving, I trust that yours was working that day.


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## Zzyzx

It's all about the respect. Talking you down in front of the kids and outsiders? Wow! She has clearly lost her respect for you, that is all there is to it. To get it back will take a lot of work, maybe too much work for some marriages. But it begins with the proper approach to not taking crap conduct from her. And staying with it. And staying with it. And staying with it. It will seem never-ending at times. The road will be hard, it will never be easy until she realizes you are serious about not tolerating her crap conduct. How long will that take, I couldn't tell you, only that you have to be patient like a rock. The marriage may still fail, but at least you will know you stood up for yourself and another woman will respect that even if your wife will not.

I suspect my ex was BPD; I read that book "Walking on Eggshells" and it described her to a T. But by then that was too late, I had already divorced her. But I was still able to learn what I needed to learn about the proper approach and apply it to her. It took time but her respect came back, however my love and attraction for her were long gone in the crucible of what she had done to me while we were together.


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## Jellybeans

So what are you going to do, Nikolas?


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## Runs like Dog

It was more of a 'well why didn't you check it?'

A bit of history. Turns out she was driving a WEEK on a transmission with little or no fluid and never mentioned it. She decided it was some kind of throttle surging. When she finally mentioned it I thought it was a fuel pump issue. But as soon as I drove the car I realized it was dropping out of gear and into neutral and back into gear on its own. LIKE ITS OUT OF FLUID!

Boom! Transmission salad.


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## MEM2020

Nikolas,
Why would you subject yourself to this. If she uses profanity you just get up and walk away without a backward glance and then don't resume normal communication until she apologizes and commits not to do it again. 

And stop sending her so many "approval" signals. Make her work for YOUR approval instead of constantly trying and failing to obtain hers.




Nikolas said:


> Did this a few times and it worked quite well, but she reverts right back to her old self. I think it has more to do with her trying to change me, she has a set of standards and I'm not living up to them.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's her... And I've called her out many times, all she does is deny it, tells me I'm exaggerating, that I'm too sensitive.
> 
> Today we had a big blow up, She was filling out some forms for our sons school enrollment, She asked me if she should complete a form that restricted the Military from contacting our son in School, I looked at the form and told her I didn't have a problem with it and that we shouldn't deny him from hearing what they have to say or offer, her response was; "I'm filling it out anyway, I don't want my son to be killed", I told her he's only 13 and he's not able to enroll anyway, she replied with STFU!, (she started using 4 letter words just recently, it's escalated to that) That's when I went off on her, asking her why the hell even ask me in the first place if you were going to make the final decision anyway? why ask for my input at all? then she slammed the papers on the table and told me to fill them out.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm afraid your right.. I look back to the first years of our marriage and she didn't take responsibility then, but back then she never pointed blame, she must of been keeping it bottled inside and now that she's comfortable in the marriage, she's not holding anything back.
> 
> Sorry to hear about the Transmission, were you blamed for it? Us husbands carry remote controls that disable parts of the car while Princess is driving, I trust that yours was working that day.


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## Nikolas

MEM11363 said:


> Nikolas,
> Why would you subject yourself to this. If she uses profanity you just get up and walk away without a backward glance and then don't resume normal communication until she apologizes and commits not to do it again.



Good advice... I did half of what your suggesting, I stuck up for myself first, She then walked out of the room and we've hardly spoken to each other since, Just small talk like "we need groceries" she even made me a smoothie and I thanked her, This is her way of trying to make up, it's easier than her trying to change her behavior, but all is NOT forgiven, the damage she's inflicting is just piling on.

It's hard for her to say she's sorry about anything.. If she insults me in front of friends for example, she'll try to justify it by going back months or even years to something I said or did to her in front of friends, something that doesn't even compare.

It's a no win situation. 





Jellybeans said:


> So what are you going to do, Nikolas?


She completes her internship in November, and starts working the first of the year, I'm going to wait until she's financially able to live on her own, (with help from me of course), and I'm going to make my move then... I'm gradually moving into it, my sister did this her unstable and possessive husband and worked out for her.. Like I said, I already talked to the kids about it to prepare them.


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## Nikolas

Zzyzx said:


> It's all about the respect. Talking you down in front of the kids and outsiders? Wow! She has clearly lost her respect for you, that is all there is to it.


Agree... 




> it will never be easy until she realizes you are serious about not tolerating her crap conduct. How long will that take, I couldn't tell you, only that you have to be patient like a rock.


I thought she knew I was done tolerating her crap when I brought up divorcing her, obviously not. This is going on 7 years now and her behavior toward me and ONLY me has gotten worse. I DON'T provoke it, I'm being 100% truthful when I say that.. I don't know why it's happening, Maybe she's fighting for dominance in the relationship, I don't know.

I thought maybe she regrets marrying me, so when I suggested divorce, I told she would have no problem finding someone else, that she's young and very attractive, her response was;

"Do you really think I'm going to find someone else or remarry? Forget it!"

That was a shocker.

I realize it's hard for all of you to understand whats going without hearing both sides, I'm not perfect by any means and I don't have a problem acknowledging my faults, maybe I don't show her the affection and attention that I should, whatever it is I'm doing to her, I don't deserve to be treated this way, She's 34 years old and should be mature enough to DISCUSS it.

Like everyone says, it's all about COMMUNICATION!


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## Zzyzx

Nikolas said:


> Agree...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I thought she knew I was done tolerating her crap when I brought up divorcing her, obviously not. This is going on 7 years now and her behavior toward me and ONLY me has gotten worse. I DON'T provoke it, I'm being 100% truthful when I say that.. I don't know why it's happening, Maybe she's fighting for dominance in the relationship, I don't know.
> 
> I thought maybe she regrets marrying me, so when I suggested divorce, I told she would have no problem finding someone else, that she's young and very attractive, her response was;
> 
> "Do you really think I'm going to find someone else or remarry? Forget it!"
> 
> That was a shocker.
> 
> I realize it's hard for all of you to understand whats going without hearing both sides, I'm not perfect by any means and I don't have a problem acknowledging my faults, maybe I don't show her the affection and attention that I should, whatever it is I'm doing to her, I don't deserve to be treated this way, She's 34 years old and should be mature enough to DISCUSS it.
> 
> Like everyone says, it's all about COMMUNICATION!


Remember the old saying about the functional definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Take a deep breath and think that one through. You may as well admit that what you think ought to get you the respect you deserve is *not* doing it. Somehow during the last 7 years you are still doing something or other that is causing her to continue with her lack of respect for you. Shouldn't it be clear to you by now that some things you are doing/saying or that context you're in are not working? That perhaps it's time to figure out what's with your current approaches and find out what changes to them might be worth trying?

You are not in charge of her feelings, all you can do is change yourself, change how you act and react. Other posters have given good suggestions, think about them. You might check out the manning up thread in the The Men's Clubhouse forum.

But there is hope for you, just from her admitting what she admitted to you.


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## Jellybeans

Nikolas said:


> It's hard for her to say she's sorry about anything.. If she insults me in front of friends for example, she'll try to justify it by going back months or even years to something I said or did to her in front of friends, something that doesn't even compare.
> 
> It's a no win situation.


I'm not surprised. Abusers don't own their actions and apologizing is a foreign concept to them.

What are you going to DO???

Time to change SOMEthing.


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## BzowkY

While reading this, i wondered if I had been sleep walking last night and typed it myself.

My wife and I are in tough times now as i just made a post. She cusses like crazy too and doesn't care to call me whatever with no limit. When I ask her to stop or tell her it sounds trashy, she tells me to "grow a pair of balls - it's only words."

Good luck. I'm interested in the replies so i'll be keeping an eye on it - Thanks


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## lht285

Whenever she cusses at you I would respectfully say quietly do not use that language with me, when what you really want to do is wash her mouth out with soap, pull her pants down and spank her. Sadly the spanking part would probably considered domestic abuse now, but that is really what she needs. I would actually hand her a notepad the next time and say "I am not talking to you again until you write "I will not cuss at my husband 100 times". The next time she cusses 500 times then 1000 times. She will get the hint. That is not abuse, but it is what you do to a kid when they are being unruly. If she will not fill it out, then you give her the silent treatment until she does. Prove to her that you are THE MAN! Be the bigger person. Tell her you would have spanked her but that she might like that.


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## Jellybeans

^ it's impossible to "be the bigger person" with an abuser.

Silent treatments, a taste of their own medicine, calling them out on their bad behavior, demanding respect, telling them you won't tolerate their behavior...affects nothing. They continue down the same path.

The only things that works with an abuser is leaving them if the behavior doesn't change.

People don't change unless they want to. It's clear she sees nothing wrong with what she's doing. 

He just needs to decide whether he is going to tolerate it or not... and whether it's a dealbreaker for him.


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## MEM2020

Nikolas,
First of all there is no such thing as someone who won't apologize. There are many people who will not apologize to people they don't respect. 

My advice - keep taking the smoothies and saying thank you politely but don't resume normal communication. 

As for the "kitchen sink" approach it goes like this. I do something wrong. You call me on it. I explain that it is ok because in the past YOU weren't perfect. That approach is a train wreck. Individual incidents need to be dealt with individually. Otherwise you have a toxic marriage. 

One other suggestion. When she is around be extra upbeat and friendly to the kids. To your friends on the phone. To EVERYONE but her. 

This is "contrast" warfare. The person on the receiving end of it realizes that you like/love are kind to everyone else. And that you are happy with everyone else. If she says something snippy to you don't even acknowledge it. Just continue on as if she wasn't there. 





Nikolas said:


> Good advice... I did half of what your suggesting, I stuck up for myself first, She then walked out of the room and we've hardly spoken to each other since, Just small talk like "we need groceries" she even made me a smoothie and I thanked her, This is her way of trying to make up, it's easier than her trying to change her behavior, but all is NOT forgiven, the damage she's inflicting is just piling on.
> 
> It's hard for her to say she's sorry about anything.. If she insults me in front of friends for example, she'll try to justify it by going back months or even years to something I said or did to her in front of friends, something that doesn't even compare.
> 
> It's a no win situation.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She completes her internship in November, and starts working the first of the year, I'm going to wait until she's financially able to live on her own, (with help from me of course), and I'm going to make my move then... I'm gradually moving into it, my sister did this her unstable and possessive husband and worked out for her.. Like I said, I already talked to the kids about it to prepare them.


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## mcfarlinglaw

What are the things that you put your heart, mind and energy to work for, the reason why you would be ready to sacrifice yourself for? Dreams are so vivid that you can feel, smell and touch in your mind as they were real. They hurt for not being in the reach.


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## Jellybeans

MEM11363 said:


> there is no such thing as someone who won't apologize.


I totally disagree. Have you ever dealt with an abuser? "Sorry" is not in their lexicon. Please...humor me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Parrothead

Nikolas said:


> She's attractive, in good shape, very family oriented, Great cook, Good Mother to our children, Great in bed, puts out whenever you want it. She's personable, friendly towards others and makes friends very easily, charming, fun to be with.
> 
> But like I say in the title, She's a total b*tch.
> 
> We've been Married for 14 years and have 2 children, Boy 13, Girl 10.. Over the years she's grown more and more disrespectful to me, she lashes out for no reason, I ask her a simple question and she snaps back, Unprovoked she constantly puts me down, not even caring how much it might hurt. She belittles, Instigates arguments, always finding something to complain about, I try to talk to her on the phone and she cuts me off, doesn't listen to what I say.
> 
> She throws out the D word knowing full well I would never follow through with her threat for the sake of the kids growing up without a father. But that's changed, I'm now OK with it, so much that I was going to ask her for a divorce and Googled the best way to ask her, I carelessly left the search term in the browser and she found it, She was very upset and we had a long talk, I told her how I felt, I told her she's obviously miserable with me and would happier with someone else, she denied this and said she would never consider remarrying, It was getting heated so I cut it short and left the room, she was depressed for days, not talking to anyone. Then something interesting happened, she turned into the nice, sweet girl back when we married, no fighting, no arguing for 2 whole weeks, then last week it started all over again when I beat her in a game of Scrabble, YES, a game of Scrabble if you can believe it.
> 
> Some have told me she might have hormonal problems, but she's like this almost all time, except when friends come over, then she a completely different person, her old self, But when the guests leave, she's reverts into b*tch mode.. How can that be hormonal?
> 
> I asked my kids recently if they think Mom is happy with me and they both said no. I had a good talk about divorce with both of them and they appear to be OK with it.
> 
> Bottom line, I've had enough. I'm at the point that I want somebody else in my life, someone that will make me feel loved and wanted, Make me feel happy and good about myself again, isn't this the way it should be?
> 
> Your advice and opinions would be greatly appreciated.


I had a girlfriend one time who was a lot like this until she had a stroke. No, she didn't have a stroke because she was a b*tch, but she was a b*tch because of the growing blood clot in her brain. She had terrible frequent headaches.

I am not saying your wife is about to stroke out, but what I am saying is that you never know what causes people to be out of sorts. Don't write her off. See if you can find out why she has these mood swings. It sounds like when she is good she is worth it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Nikolas said:


> Agree.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We do the change of environment thing quite often, this month alone we spent 3 days in Las Vegas, 5 days in Palm Springs, 4 gatherings with friends, Swimming, Biking, Dinners, Clubbing... We argue like hell in the car going to these places but when we get there she's as happy as can be.


Hey, have you thought about separate travel plans to get to the same place? My H is a real b*tch to travel with. Once we get somewhere I appreciate his energy in getting situated and having a good game plan/options...but to be in an airport or on a car trip with him ooooooweeeee. I must really love him to do that. Feeling your pain.


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## LongWalk

How are things going today?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Uptown

Zombie thread. The OP has been gone for over two years.


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