# Rebuilding After An EA.



## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

I have recently discovered that my wife was having an emotional affair. I had been suspicious for just over one week when I confronted her, because she was on her cell phone a lot more and being very protective of the phone. The amount of text messages she was sending/receiving was a lot higher than normal for that week. I believe I caught it early, but I think they were talking for a few weeks around her office before they began texting eachother after work hours. 

When confronted, she denied it and told me she was just talking to friends. I was well prepared for the confrontation, as I had been researching what possible issues could be happening in our marriage to cause this behaviour. I had already believed it was an EA and had papers for her to read about it. She became mad at me for accusing her of an affair. 

After some agruing, she admitted it. Even though I was already certain this was the case, hearing it devastated me. She still wanted to be allowed to remain friends with this guy. We argued about it a lot, until I was forced to give her the ultimatum; him or me. I told her we'd be divorced if all contact with him wasn't cut off. She agreed. She told this guy that I knew what was going on but she didn't want to stop talking to him. Then she told him it would ruin her marriage and they had to stop.

Since the truth is out there, my wife really seems to want to fix our marriage. I'm not good at dealing with emotions and emotional problems, so I am struggling. She has agreed to give me access to her cell phone, email and other accounts, which is a huge step in rebuilding trust. My problem is that I'm instantly filled with anxiety when we're not together, when I can't moniter what she's doing. I like to know what she's doing at all times possible and I am struggling to give her space. I am terrified of it continuing or starting again, so I'm compelled to verify she's not talking to someone when we're apart. I think it's fair for me to feel nervous, but I can't moniter her all the time and I'd really like to know if there are any ways I can make this easier for myself to deal with. Are there any steps I can take to help deal with my feelings? Or should I just expect it to be a hard process? I really want our marriage to work, I love her with all my heart and want to trust her again.

We have been married for less than one year, but we've been together for more than ten years. I became too comfortable in our relationship and we started spending less and less time together, which gave her the need for attention, unfortunately she didn't come to me.

TL;DR: My wife had an EA, she told the guy it's over, she's given me access to her accounts to rebuild trust. I am really struggling with anxiety when we are not together and I can't moniter her and verify she's not doing something wrong. I'm looking for advice how I can better handle my feelings.

Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate any advice. I am happy to share more and provide details if it would help.

Owyn


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

What you're going through is normal. Just ride out the storm and don't try to go against the riptide. At this point in time blaming yourself for the affair isn't correct at all. 

Don't trust her words though, anything that comes out of her mouth is a lie unless verified to be true. 

You need to operate under the impression that the marriage is dying, I know you want to work it out but right now you need to take care of yourself so that going ahead(whether in R or D) will be easier

Get started on the 180.

Oh and it could have turned physical.Just saying.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Time will help; I find that's all that really worked. I was in a similar position to you, no EA, but betrayals nonetheless. I had a very hard time when not with H...a huge struggle at times. But he's worked on rebuilding the trust, and things are slowly getting better.

Don't be afraid to get angry. And TELL her why you're angry! If she's truly working on rebuilding, and she should be, she'll just have to put up with you wanting answers, with you being angry, sad, whatever...if she begins losing patience, or time-limiting how long the recovery process is taking, then she needs to adjust her attitude. A remorseful partner doesn't try to rush you through the recovery process. And as with any process, this will take time. Don't be hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel...it will get better over time.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

I have been/was in a very similiar situation as yourself. My wife gave me passwords/access to certain accounts for validation but, like you, I became very anxious when she was not physically with me. 

There is no one way to fix situations like this but my advice is to not smother as best you can without going too crazy because that will just push her away more but at the same time, she should be open to you asking her questions at abnormal times and places for validation. 

This was not the case with my wife. I would talk to her because I had the anxiety but more times than not she would argue with me, push blame my way and not be compassionate.

Bottom line is, if true remorse is there, just talk to her and express your concerns. Hopefully she will respond in a positive manner.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> What you're going through is normal. Just ride out the storm and don't try to go against the riptide. At this point in time blaming yourself for the affair isn't correct at all.
> 
> Don't trust her words though, anything that comes out of her mouth is a lie unless verified to be true.
> 
> ...


 @anonymouskitty: I agree with most of what you said in this post, but the 180 is not appropriate in this situation. It may be at a later date if he learns that she only took it underground, but not now. Since he caught it early, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and focus on working on the marraige.

@the OP (original poster): Read "His Needs, Your Needs" ASAP. Also, hold off havinng children with her until you are comfortable in trusting her again.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

TRy, you're too soft. his needs her needs is advisable only when she's in true R and they both feel the need to work it out.

Doing the 180 now will help OP clear his head and see the marriage for what it is, and it'll also get him into a position where, if at a later date, he were to find out the affair has gone underground. He won't be devastated or become a mess.

I think the book to read right now is "Not Just Friends"


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I thought the 180 was for when the spouse is in a full blown A, or ready to D? The OPs wife is trying, here. IMO, the 180 would confuse things, at this point...


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

We don't know that, she may have given all her accounts up. But we all know what happened to dingerdad and Allybabe. Even if you don't do the complete 180. Now is the time to actually concentrate on you rather than on the marriage. What the 180 would do is help him clear his head. At this point everything is confusing because OP doesn't know where he stands. elements of the 180 would definitely help him come to terms with what has happened.

Most posters here jump at the chance to rugsweep the affair(EA or PA doesn't matter). Working on the marriage at this point only gives the WS an impression that the BS is going to be their security blanket which inevitably leads to the WS resuming things. A hard stance will test the WS's true character. A remorseful spouse will put up with it, trust me. 



> My problem is that I'm instantly filled with anxiety when we're not together, when I can't moniter what she's doing. I like to know what she's doing at all times possible and I am struggling to give her space.


If the OP is trying to give her space, that could only mean that she's asking for space.A remorseful spouse would not just give up her accounts but would understand OP's need for assurances. OP, tell her to give you periodical calls or put a gps on her car.

By 180 I'm not saying be remote or distant, because you guys are still living together.
What I'm saying is don't say I Love you or lets work on it or come across as needy.


OP start exercising it'll help


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

@anonymouskitty: I'm not blaming myself for the affair, that is her fault, and I know it. I spent less time with her, that's my fault. She should have come to me about it, but she didn't. I understand she is in the wrong, not me. You're right about not trusting her at this time and taking care of myself. I'm trying. I just don't know how to deal with the anxiety when we're not together unless I can verify what she's doing. Is that the storm I must simply ride out?

@CandieGirl: Thank you. I do get angry with her and tell her how I'm feeling. She has been very supportive in giving answers and being open with her phone and computer use. So I believe that is good.

@emptyinside882: Yes, good point, I don't want to smother her or push her away. She usually responds in a positive manner to my questions and concerns, which is good.

@TRy: I will read what you suggested. Thank you.

Another general question that has come up. How would I know if the affair has gone underground? She's given me full access to her cell phone, email account, Facebook account, and any others I will ask for. She answers questions and meets requests that I make. It seems she is really trying to rebuild trust, it's me that's struggling to rebuild trust. Perhaps as CandieGirl said, it will just take time for me. But with access to everything, her coming right home after work, and answering my questions... I'm not sure how I'd tell if it were underground or gone away. I just get really nervous when we're not together.

Owyn


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

A keylogger and a gps Owyn, verify on your own terms. For all you know, she might have a separate email account that she only accesses from work ( don't get paranoid though). Put a VAR in the car


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> If the OP is trying to give her space, that could only mean that she's asking for space.A remorseful spouse would not just give up her accounts but would understand OP's need for assurances. OP, tell her to give you periodical calls or put a gps on her car.


She hasn't asked for space. She's been pretty understanding that I ask who is on the phone or text message. She's been comfortable with me watching her on the computer. It's me that wants to be able to not follow her every move, it's too hard for me to keep doing. If she asked for space, I'd be concerned, and that would be a red flag. As TRy said, I don't want to smother her, but I feel I need to know what she's doing.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Owyn,

If your W is showing no pain from her loss (loss of her affair partner), then you need to be concerned she's taken in underground. Most wayward spouses go through withdrawal once their "drug" has been taken away. If you see no signs of this, she's probably still taking hits off the pipe, so to speak.

Withdrawal signs are fits of anger and depression, mostly. Downcast facial expressions, etc. 

She can delete texts, and call from work phones, etc. There are a million ways for her to do this. One way some people monitor is using a VAR (voice activated recorder), that you hide in her car or wherever she spends her private time. Others use keyloggers on the wayward's computer. She can always delete her activity otherwise. Keyloggers will record her actions even when evidence is erased.

Good luck


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Owyn...You will soon know if she's continuing the affair...

In my case, my H was contacted by one of his exes from before we were together. We had a 'NO exes as friends' boundary in place...I was convinced that he had taken things 'underground' to remain in contact with her, even though it was very obvious from what she texted him that they hadn't been in contact for quite some time. My head was playing tricks on me...I was so paranoid, that I convinced myself that her initial text was sent only to throw me off the trail so that they could remain in a secret friendship.

Eventually, I calmed down, but sometimes, I still wonder if there's anything going on underground. I don't think so, unless H has become a master of deceit...I try to lead myself away from those thoughts, at this point. It's been 6 months since she contacted. I have PWs etc, and nothing...I mean, at a certain point, you have to ask yourself if you think it would be worth it for him/her to try to remain in contact when doing so causes so much grief and trouble? In my case: what could H possibly be getting from resuming contact with someone he slept with a few times 2 years before we even got together? What does she have to offer him? She was an old wh0re, she was sleeping with 2 other guys at the time...she didn't even speak to my H for 2 years. And she lives clear accross the country. He knows I don't like it, so why would he continue to risk our marriage over her? Sometimes, you have to believe that your husband/wife is smarter than that...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Owyn said:


> I believe I caught it early, but I think they were talking for a few weeks around her office before they began texting eachother after work hours.


Does this mean they work together or he's a client of her company?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The way this affair ended is a bit concerning. There is a chance that this might have gone underground. There are chat applications whose txt messages don't show up on the records. Verify using your own methods.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I also assumed they work together. OP, unfortunately, the track record for recovery from an EA where they continue to work together is zero. I hope you've also read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, encourage your wife to read it.

Also find an MC trained in dealing with infidelity, most aren't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

"Not 'Just Friends'" is a good recommendation and a good read. I liked dearpeggy.com for the condensed course.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey O---you haven't stopped anything, if they work together---she leaves her job, or transfers somewhere, where he is not---which may not do the trick either

He is still on her mind, and she sees him everyday---all your close watching, and monitering, are useless, if they look at each other all day long

By the way---how do you know it hasn't gone PA, at the workplace---cuz she told you so??---remember she lies


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

@Gabriel: She does seem upset from time to time, but she also seems happy to be spending more time with me again. It's hard to tell if she's upset over a loss or feeling guilty for what she did to me. Yes, she can delete texts, but I have access to her monthly statement. I know there are more ways for them to communicate, that's what I struggle with.

@CandieGirl: I too think I am being paranoid, but I don't know how to be sure. I tend to think negatively and worse case scenario, and I have a hard time dealing with emotional problems. I would divorce her immediately if it was continuing and she knows it. I've read that she would show less emotional energy towards me if she was still investing emotional energy in someone else, and I could notice that during the time I knew the EA was taking place and it seems to be getting better now. But I can't help my thoughts.

@TBT: No, they don't work together directly, but he is often in her office for short periods of time throughout the week. Other people would be around, she is not in an office unit alone.

@warlock07: Please explain what is concerning about how it ended. She admitted it the same day I confronted her. We argued about it for one day, about 24 hours after the first confrontation she agreed contact with him had to end.

@iheartlife: I will look into that book as well, thank you.

Also, she wants to plan a couple long-weekend getaways for us to enjoy alone together. Is that a good sign?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's a good sign, but I'm concerned that she is still in contact with him for work, even though it's minimal. This would be something that I could never get past. I realize how very hard it would be to ask your partner to transfer/quit...but I think in my case, it would HAVE to be so...I know myself too well. I would obsess over it until the death...

Have you had your wife send a no contact letter? Perhaps that would ease your mind some. Does the OM have a partner? If yes, I would suggest exposing the affair to her...might be incentive for the OM to steer well clear of your wife and vice versa...this may work particularly if the EA was short lived.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Hey O---you haven't stopped anything, if they work together---she leaves her job, or transfers somewhere, where he is not---which may not do the trick either
> 
> He is still on her mind, and she sees him everyday---all your close watching, and monitering, are useless, if they look at each other all day long
> 
> By the way---how do you know it hasn't gone PA, at the workplace---cuz she told you so??---remember she lies


He is there, but not full time. I do have a hard time with this though. I don't and can't know for certain there was no PA. But she has been home every night so the work place would be only place, and although possible, I don't think it would be easy given her work place. 

I watched her text him to tell him I found out. They could not have planned this conversation and I seen him say he didn't want to be the cause of a divorce. He also didn't know I was watching... based on other things I seen him say. It was hard to watch, but helpful. Of course it's possible they talked after this.

I think time will tell if it's continuing or not. I know I need to watch her closely and analyze her behaviour. It will be hard for me, but I don't intend to make it easy for her either.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> It's a good sign, but I'm concerned that she is still in contact with him for work, even though it's minimal. This would be something that I could never get past. I realize how very hard it would be to ask your partner to transfer/quit...but I think in my case, it would HAVE to be so...I know myself too well. I would obsess over it until the death...
> 
> Have you had your wife send a no contact letter? Perhaps that would ease your mind some. Does the OM have a partner? If yes, I would suggest exposing the affair to her...might be incentive for the OM to steer well clear of your wife and vice versa...this may work particularly if the EA was short lived.


Yes, dealing with him being in and out of her office is going to be hard. I am prepared to talk to her about it often and see if I can draw anything from that, even though it will be very hard to trust.

Unfortunately, the OM does not have a partner at this time. I watched her write the texts to inform him, but just like a no contact letter, they could talk after that. It's hard situation. I need to pay very close attention to how she is behaving.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Owyn said:


> We have been married for less than one year, but we've been together for more than ten years. I became too comfortable in our relationship and we started spending less and less time together, which gave her the need for attention, unfortunately she didn't come to me.




You're just recently married but been together for a decade.

During your years together before marriage, had she shown signs of interest in other men?

I'm thinking that once she's married to you, she stopped caring. Ever get the desire of wanting something so badly, but once you got it, you dont care for it? Could this be the case here?

Maybe she settled, and now is looking to find something more interesting?


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

aug said:


> You're just recently married but been together for a decade.
> 
> During your years together before marriage, had she shown signs of interest in other men?
> 
> ...


We've been together since high school. And she has expressed wanting to experience an more typical young adult life, as we were already in a commited relationship to each other during those years. 

I believe she does want something more interesting and fun. But I know she wants our relationship to be more interesting, fun, and spontaneous. As I mentioned, I got too comfortable and our relationship slowed, it became a routine. She should have come to me and mentioned those issues before it got this far, I know. But I know I can make her happy again if I get a fair chance with the OM completely out of the picture.

I'm just looking for help dealing with my insecure feelings when we're not together. Also, now I'm looking for advice how to detect if it's gone underground, time will tell.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

VAR and Key logger can help you to see the truth.
Are you sure it was/is only a EA? Dont trust her words cheaters minimize everything.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> VAR and Key logger can help you to see the truth.
> Are you sure it was/is only a EA? Dont trust her words cheaters minimize everything.


Based on the simple fact that we live together and she comes home every day right after work tells me that they didn't have time for a PA, unless it was done at work. And I've previously mentioned, that given her work place, I believe this would be quite hard to get away with.

I truely believe she wants to stay married to me. I am concerned that she did want to have both. However, once exposed, she understands that I will leave if I found out the contact did not stop, that would be enough if she really wanted our marriage to work. It's still early since the original confrontation, just over one week passed.

I believe I will be nervious about her actions for a long time. But I am not a man to want to know all the truths, just want I need to know. If it's over, I'm going to move passed it.

I'm just feeling right now that I may never be able to truely trust her again... but maybe that will come in time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

There is no sense being a full time parole officer---so figure out your monitering, so you don't drive yourself crazy---IF SHE WANTS TO CHEAT SHE WILL DO IT, NO MATTER HOW CLOSELY YOU WATCH HER

I am still of the opinion, she needs to leave that job-----
Do you really know, how much emotion, she had with him, and how "into him" she really was----this is not going away, if she works with him----you can never have what you need as long as she is at the job---what you need is COMPLETE NC.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I think that if this is an isolated incident, you will be able to move past it for sure, but it absolutely has to stop, otherwise you're just spinning your wheels in the mud.

My husband peppered me with stupid lies about things I would have been completely capable of handling, such as a former 'friendship' and pornography use; it took him a long time to realize the damage these betrayals were causing and only then, did he finally stop. I still don't completely trust him. But that's HIS fault, and he knows that he can't expect me to just 'get over it'. I figure that since HE is the one who caused me to become paranoied and mistrustful, then he will have to put in the time and effort it takes to move past it all. He knows that if it starts up again, it'll set us back. After the last episode, I don't think he wants to go there again...


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

@jnj express: Perhaps her leaving her job is the best option. We have talked about her getting a better paying job in the past anyway. This may be something I have to bring up if I am continuing to be uncomfortable with the situation.

@CandieGirl: I know we can get through this if it stopped and we can repair and renew our relationship. That's where I'm stuck, knowing that it's indeed over. I think her giving me full access to her cell phone and other account is a big step in helping the process. She does understand that I don't trust her and that it will be a hard process to resolve, which is also good. I made a point to tell her, that if she wants to be with me, her life is going to be hell for a while.

Hopefully some trust comes back with time so I can stop being so paranoid?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes, time heals all...unfortunately, in my case, my husband didn't fully realize that, and had a few setbacks. Not with his old 'friend' but with the lying/porn and a few other boneheaded but relatively minor manouevres...

Right now, I'm at the point where I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He insists that THIS time, he won't let me down, because he sees the damage that he's done...but I don't know that for sure! He's betrayed my trust before....if it continues, eventually, the whole relationship will be destroyed... Hopefully I'm wrong. I'd love to be wrong! Unfortunately, only time will tell.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Yes, time heals all...unfortunately, in my case, my husband didn't fully realize that, and had a few setbacks. Not with his old 'friend' but with the lying/porn and a few other boneheaded but relatively minor manouevres...
> 
> Right now, I'm at the point where I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He insists that THIS time, he won't let me down, because he sees the damage that he's done...but I don't know that for sure! He's betrayed my trust before....if it continues, eventually, the whole relationship will be destroyed... Hopefully I'm wrong. I'd love to be wrong! Unfortunately, only time will tell.


My H has promised me that his actions will never be repeated.. But I will always have that doubt, and I can't get past it. Also with the emotional abuse mixed in (which lasted longer than the EA's, so it was not just from that),, 

So, I have been looking deep down in myself to see if I want to live like that? Do I always want the doubt, the chance of a slip, the chance of getting emotionally ripped apart again? Is it fair to either of us to live like that.. Him walking on eggshells, trying to gain trust, and to always think before he speaks?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Are you and your wife going to any kind of counseling?

If not she needs independent counseling with a pro-marriage counselor who will hold her accountable for her actions and help her identify why she allowed her personal boundaries to fall to point where she would be capable of doing this. If she does not she is ripe to commit the same betrayal or worse down the road.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

I hope to not get stuck in a never-ending world or paranoia just waiting for her to make another mistake. I really want to trust her again. So we can have some alone time without me being worried about it.

@Numb in Ohio: I have spent time thinking about the same thing. Is it worth living like this? I think I am willing to put some time into it, to see if time will help and see if she stays fully commited to rebuilding the trust and our marriage.

@bandit.45: We have talked about counseling and I think it would be a good idea. But it is quite expensive and if she's not willing to be fully open with the doctor, we would be spending money we don't have.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I just want to emphasize that if she continues to see him via work, just call reconciliation off. If you don't believe me, start reading EA threads.

Here is the deal: an EA is a very powerful compulsion, strongly resembling a physical addiction in every way. It changes brain physiology (very bad habits do this, that is why they are hard to break). This isn't the sort of thing that cheating spouses are able to quit cold turkey, even when they want to, even when they agree they should. If your being hurt or upset was enough to get them to quit, they'd never enter the affair in the first place.

Just seeing him gives her brain a dopamine reward "hit" that extends and deepens the infatuation. In general, no contact has to last at least 5 or 6 weeks for the worst of the infatuation to start to wear off. I think APs are very vulnerable to restarting the EA during that time, which is why verification is critical to successful R. But as you can see, continuing to see the AP does nothing but reinforce their connection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I just want to emphasize that if she continues to see him via work, just call reconciliation off. If you don't believe me, start reading EA threads.
> 
> Here is the deal: an EA is a very powerful compulsion, strongly resembling a physical addiction in every way. It changes brain physiology (very bad habits do this, that is why they are hard to break). This isn't the sort of thing that cheating spouses are able to quit cold turkey, even when they want to, even when they agree they should. If your being hurt or upset was enough to get them to quit, they'd never enter the affair in the first place.
> 
> ...


I understand, I'm going to have to do something about this. I'm not sure how to handle it.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Yesterday was a bad day. We shared a couple good days together and then we suffered a hard one yesterday. We were both upset about the whole situation and the fact that I have to moniter her. However, we were able to have another talk about it and I believe the conversation went well.

So even after having a bad day we were able to settle down and have a good talk about how we feel and what we want.

I can only assume bad days are normal and will happen as we move through this? Is it a reasonable idea to take a weekend away together at this point in time, only just over a week after the discovery? It may help us connect, but I am afraid if we have a bad day on vacation it could be a step backwards.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I would take a trip. One tough thing after discovery is balancing your need to discuss the affair and the future of the marriage with actually restoring the relationship. Many people move on too fast, and that results in rug-sweeping. Others dwell endlessly on the pain, which is also understandable, but it's stressful and exhausting.

If you go, one idea is to give yourself permission not to discuss the affair during the trip. Another idea is to schedule discussions of the marriage for a particular day or time of day. I also preface my questions with, "I have to ask you this . . ." which helped a lot in getting calmer responses from my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Owyn,
> 
> If your W is showing no pain from her loss (loss of her affair partner), then you need to be concerned she's taken in underground. Most wayward spouses go through withdrawal once their "drug" has been taken away. If you see no signs of this, she's probably still taking hits off the pipe, so to speak.
> 
> ...


Have to agree - she should be showing signs of withdrawal - if not, most likely is still in contact. I wish I read this 7 months ago.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

@iheartlife: Thank you, that is good advice. We will continue to plan our weekend away. And I will suggest we make it a point to not talk about the affair during the vacation. But we should talk about it before and after, I think.

@LookingForTheSun: Yesterday, as I mentioned, was a bad day. She was angry/cranky/tired. She's not been sleeping well lately, she seems upset and remorseful. I have a hard time detecting why she is cranky, hopefully it is because she is going through the stages of loss. I just hope it's not my constant monitering that is making her mad, although she does say she deserves to be monitered and understands my need. She may be having a hard time getting good sleep because of the loss, is that true? Are these good signs?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sounds like it, Owyn...! From my own experience with an EA (years ago, prior to my relationship with my husband), when I called it off, it was just as bad (maybe worse) than any breakup. I missed work for two days, and just moped in bed...And although I actually knew this person, had met him at work, etc, the affair was online only (msn messenger). Never physical, and I never saw him, as he'd left the company. At the time, I didn't even realize what it was I was doing, and I certainly didnt' know that there was even such a thing as an emotional affair...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Owyn said:


> @iheartlife: Thank you, that is good advice. We will continue to plan our weekend away. And I will suggest we make it a point to not talk about the affair during the vacation. But we should talk about it before and after, I think.
> 
> @LookingForTheSun: Yesterday, as I mentioned, was a bad day. She was angry/cranky/tired. She's not been sleeping well lately, she seems upset and remorseful. I have a hard time detecting why she is cranky, hopefully it is because she is going through the stages of loss. I just hope it's not my constant monitering that is making her mad, although she does say she deserves to be monitered and understands my need. She may be having a hard time getting good sleep because of the loss, is that true? Are these good signs?


I wish I knew what to look for right after DD. The fact that husband ate just fine and didn't lose weight, the fact that he was angry at me and didn't want to talk about it, the fact that he did not seem depressed, just upset and angry, the fact that he said he doesn't think about it or her - and there is a difference. I am still too early in the game to say what is a good sign, really. Only 4 months out from DD4 and I only know what seems to be good signs. It all seems good, which is scary as hell - you don't want to, but you just wait for the other shoe to drop. 

If she is not eating, crying, sad, depressed - I think it is a combination of withdrawal and maybe shame, guilt, remorse.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

She's definitely not having as hard of a time as CandieGirl said. But I think she is having a hard time. Wether it be due to a loss, remorse, or just the fact that I want to moniter her now. Everything is confusing... I just need to analyze her behavior more and more.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Could be a combination of all three, which is understandable. Even if she is remorseful, on some level, she's probably resenting having her fun taken away. People hate being called out on something....especially when they know they're in the wrong.

After discovering TAM, I found out a lot about EA's and the backlash that comes with them. I had no idea what an EA was a few years back, and now I can spot one a mile away! So many people's lines get blurred. "Hey, there's nothing wrong with my behavior, becuase there's no sex." Sometimes you need to actually suffer an EA to fully comprehend how dangerous they are.


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