# Seperation issues



## goro_pancake (11 mo ago)

i separated from my husband 7 months ago after being married for 10 years. it all happened out of the blue (for me anyway because apparently he'd been unhappy for months without saying a word to me about it) so we had some pretty bad fights the first couple of months. initially we agreed to get a divorce but since we can't afford that right now, it was put on the back burner. in the meantime i moved out and now have my own apartment, a steady job, am doing therapy for my issues and looking into getting on medication like i should be for my bipolar/borderline personality disorders. after the decision to divorce we had a long talk and both agreed that we don't want to throw away our friendship completely and since then we talk a lot, he's come over a few times and we watch a movie, hug, then he leaves. we've even gone out to see a movie. i don't know if a divorce is still on the table since he just says he doesn't know when i mention it. we aren't intimate aside from the hug but it still feels like he's sending mixed messages. last night for instance: i was about to leave to go for a walk and get out of the house on my day off and he texts me asking what i'm up to so i tell him and i figure he's at home playing a game and this was just checking in because he was bored. turned out he was driving around and by the time he messaged me had gotten dinner for both of us (McDonald's) and was already on his way over with a movie. on the one hand i'm glad we can watch movies and hang out together but on the other hand, it's a little confusing not knowing what he wants when he doesn't seem to know either. any suggestions?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The problem I see with this "hanging out" is that you can't detach. IF you are going to D, then this isn't helping either of you.
IF you are not, then why don't you get into Marriage Counseling to see if you can work out the issues?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You need to know what his plans are because right now you are in limbo. In your position I would say that either you end the marriage and cut off contact, or he moves back in, agrees to go to MC and do all you can to make it work. You will never be able to heal and move on if you are always meeting up and what happens if one of you meets someone else? 

In some places you can do your own divorce on line, worth looking into if you haven't much money.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

goro_pancake said:


> i separated from my husband 7 months ago after being married for 10 years. it all happened out of the blue (for me anyway because apparently he'd been unhappy for months without saying a word to me about it) so we had some pretty bad fights the first couple of months. initially we agreed to get a divorce but since we can't afford that right now, it was put on the back burner. in the meantime i moved out and now have my own apartment, a steady job, am doing therapy for my issues and looking into getting on medication like i should be for my bipolar/borderline personality disorders. after the decision to divorce we had a long talk and both agreed that we don't want to throw away our friendship completely and since then we talk a lot, he's come over a few times and we watch a movie, hug, then he leaves. we've even gone out to see a movie. i don't know if a divorce is still on the table since he just says he doesn't know when i mention it. we aren't intimate aside from the hug but it still feels like he's sending mixed messages. last night for instance: i was about to leave to go for a walk and get out of the house on my day off and he texts me asking what i'm up to so i tell him and i figure he's at home playing a game and this was just checking in because he was bored. turned out he was driving around and by the time he messaged me had gotten dinner for both of us (McDonald's) and was already on his way over with a movie. on the one hand i'm glad we can watch movies and hang out together but on the other hand, it's a little confusing not knowing what he wants when he doesn't seem to know either. any suggestions?


Presently, your mental health remains, his also.

I believe you are being mentally assessed by him.

He needed a break from you, ask yourself why.

I do not think he has given up on you. But, he still has that option open.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

let me guess what is going on with him.
he still likes you. a lot.
and wants to keep seeing you and checking on you.
WHY? because he hopes things will get better. he hopes you will find the right bipolar medicines and keep taking them regularly. he hopes you will get back to the woman he married.

So yes there is hope.
do you still love him?
are you willing to take the prescription meds you have religiously, and never stop (even if there are very unpleasant side effects)?

Show him you have fundamentally changed for the better, and he will be coming by with supper and movies much more often!


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## goro_pancake (11 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> The problem I see with this "hanging out" is that you can't detach. IF you are going to D, then this isn't helping either of you.
> IF you are not, then why don't you get into Marriage Counseling to see if you can work out the issues?


it does make it hard to detach and sometimes i do still want the divorce to at least have some kind of closure. i've talked with my therapist and what i'm trying to focus on is letting go of the anger and hurt i still feel over the separation because that is going to keep holding me back, whether we get the divorce or try to work things out. i mentioned counseling to him at first but he just said he doesn't think it would help or didn't see a point in it. now that i'm in therapy (i wasn't before) i could ask again if he could sit in on a session with my doc and me but i'm afraid his answer will be the same.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

Are there things you need from him to make your relationship work that you are not getting? If he is focused on your issues only, that may not be the kind of healthy sharing a relationship needs to be built on. And if you need space, he needs to respect that. Mixed signals might just be due to confusion on his part, but that may not be respectful. Driving around with dinner for someone else in your car might be romantic (maybe) but that doesn't mean it is respectful.


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## goro_pancake (11 mo ago)

thank you for the replies. they're appreciated when it comes to figuring things out.


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## goro_pancake (11 mo ago)

Kassi said:


> Are there things you need from him to make your relationship work that you are not getting? If he is focused on your issues only, that may not be the kind of healthy sharing a relationship needs to be built on. And if you need space, he needs to respect that. Mixed signals might just be due to confusion on his part, but that may not be respectful. Driving around with dinner for someone else in your car might be romantic (maybe) but that doesn't mean it is respectful.


there's not really anything i can think of that i need from him to work through things. i know a lot of it i have to do on my own because he isn't responsible for my feelings or illness. during the fights i asked questions such as why he didn't tell he how he was feeling at any point before he suddenly said he wants to seperate/divorce. i've thought about what i'd need from him if we were going to try again and the major things are trust and communication. a divorce isn't like a breakup; we made vows and by not confiding in me as his wife he broke those vows. i don't feel like i can trust him because of the anger i feel at that and have a hard time remembering that when i try to detach. my mom said something similar about the disrespect. that he was already on his way over with the expectation that i was home and available. i thought it was a gesture and don't want to overthink it but that's hard to do when he does something that doesn't make sense or i'm not expecting.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i like the idea of inviting him to a session with your doctor. 
due to HIPAA regulations, your doctor can not talk to him unless you give permission.
i had a similar case with my nephew and his wife. He, after years and them separating, invited her to talk with his doctor. and that led to some key changes to his medications, and he is now dealing with things a whole lot better.
in his case, he would tell the doctor kind of what he wanted him to hear, but then after the doctor heard from his wife (finally) the doc realized that the meds were all wrong for him. 

re-reading this thread....YOU have to decide. If you want this guy in your life, you have to actually invite him back and make whatever changes are needed to make that relationship work again. If you do not want a long term relationship....do the guy a favor and let him know it is over and not worth him pursuing you any more.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

goro_pancake said:


> it does make it hard to detach and sometimes i do still want the divorce to at least have some kind of closure. i've talked with my therapist and what i'm trying to focus on is letting go of the anger and hurt i still feel over the separation because that is going to keep holding me back, whether we get the divorce or try to work things out. i mentioned counseling to him at first but he just said he doesn't think it would help or didn't see a point in it. now that i'm in therapy (i wasn't before) i could ask again if he could sit in on a session with my doc and me but i'm afraid his answer will be the same.


I think that detaching from him will HELP you let go of your anger and hurt over the separation. You should start focusing on YOUR life and what YOU want to do, not him -- detaching will help that.

IF he doesn't want to try counseling to make things better, you can't have a one-sided marriage. YOU can't solve this by yourself -- you BOTH need to work at it or it won't be solved.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

sounds to me he still cares about you and now that you are divorcing (eventually) he can hang out with you without all the marriage burden... that, or he is feeling lonely!


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I think you both need some clarity, about what this really is, so while it probably feels good. You still have to sit him down and ask him what this is. The vows thing, I do get it, but he did eventually told you, what he wants. Even though I do feel its rushed, how do you divorce without finding out what the problem was, its supposed to be a last resort, you don't get out a double barrel gun to kill a fly, even though its intensely irritating. Any which way, you have to sit him down and ask him what this is, and what he's expecting, you obviously care about each other, but without structure, it'll just collapse again.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

goro_pancake said:


> there's not really anything i can think of that i need from him to work through things. i know a lot of it i have to do on my own because he isn't responsible for my feelings or illness. during the fights i asked questions such as why he didn't tell he how he was feeling at any point before he suddenly said he wants to seperate/divorce. i've thought about what i'd need from him if we were going to try again and the major things are trust and communication. a divorce isn't like a breakup; we made vows and by not confiding in me as his wife he broke those vows. i don't feel like i can trust him because of the anger i feel at that and have a hard time remembering that when i try to detach. my mom said something similar about the disrespect. that he was already on his way over with the expectation that i was home and available. i thought it was a gesture and don't want to overthink it but that's hard to do when he does something that doesn't make sense or i'm not expecting.


This post is a few months old but I am curious if you have any updates. You said here that he didn't tell you how he was feeling until he suddenly wanted to separate, and you have BPD/Bi-Polar. Is it possible that in the past he had tried to express himself and you shut it down (Those with BPD can be really good at shutting down others feelings if they are perceived as negative, not saying you did, but worth asking for clarity) so maybe after a while he felt that his feelings were not permitted to be expressed so he just shut down until he couldn't take it anymore. Trust me, I know, it's a horrible feeling and you hate having to shut down and repress your feelings, it builds resentment within that non-BPD partner. Does he have any awareness on what it is like to be a non-BPD partner? If not, and you care about him, I suggest getting him some literature so he can read up on it. If I had to guess, he's not confused on how he feels about you; it sounds like you 2 trauma bonded and he loves the heck out of you, but he's scared of the returning issues, and probably even scared to directly tell you how he feels. This is where providing him with literature on the condition would be helpful. Best of luck to both of you.


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## goro_pancake (11 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> This post is a few months old but I am curious if you have any updates. You said here that he didn't tell you how he was feeling until he suddenly wanted to separate, and you have BPD/Bi-Polar. Is it possible that in the past he had tried to express himself and you shut it down (Those with BPD can be really good at shutting down others feelings if they are perceived as negative, not saying you did, but worth asking for clarity) so maybe after a while he felt that his feelings were not permitted to be expressed so he just shut down until he couldn't take it anymore. Trust me, I know, it's a horrible feeling and you hate having to shut down and repress your feelings, it builds resentment within that non-BPD partner. Does he have any awareness on what it is like to be a non-BPD partner? If not, and you care about him, I suggest getting him some literature so he can read up on it. If I had to guess, he's not confused on how he feels about you; it sounds like you 2 trauma bonded and he loves the heck out of you, but he's scared of the returning issues, and probably even scared to directly tell you how he feels. This is where providing him with literature on the condition would be helpful. Best of luck to both of you.


 it is possible that i shut down when he tried to tell me in the past how he felt because i'll be honest, i shut down very fast. it's rarely intentional and i can't always control or stop it from happening. things have gotten better between us though and we still have movie nights and such together only not as often. after a long talk a few weeks ago i think some things were cleared up and while we still might get the divorce, we're both focusing on other aspects of our lives than the marraige. i tried to start dating after the talk and he assured me that he was the one who brought on the separation so if i date someone else that it'd be hypocritical to get upset about it. i only told him to ensure that if we do file for divorce, it won't be something that is used against me as adultery. unfortunately the dating didn't end well and it strengthened our trauma bond in that the guy i dated for a brief time turned out to be abusive and my seperated spouse ended up coming to my rescue from him but we haven't talked about where we stand now. most days he's my ex or friend in my mind but i know as someone who struggles with BPD, i have an issue with splitting. i don't think he would read anything i asked him to about the disorder but he isn't opposed to sitting down with a therapist to talk about my disorder one on one so i'm still in a holding pattern of not knowing where we stand or if we should cut it off and file for divorce when we can afford to.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

His unhappiness can be blame shifting. If I were you I’d go online and review his phone bill.
It’s a good quick check to see if someone else is in the mix.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

goro_pancake said:


> it is possible that i shut down when he tried to tell me in the past how he felt because i'll be honest, i shut down very fast. it's rarely intentional and i can't always control or stop it from happening. things have gotten better between us though and we still have movie nights and such together only not as often. after a long talk a few weeks ago i think some things were cleared up and while we still might get the divorce, we're both focusing on other aspects of our lives than the marraige. i tried to start dating after the talk and he assured me that he was the one who brought on the separation so if i date someone else that it'd be hypocritical to get upset about it. i only told him to ensure that if we do file for divorce, it won't be something that is used against me as adultery. unfortunately the dating didn't end well and it strengthened our trauma bond in that the guy i dated for a brief time turned out to be abusive and my seperated spouse ended up coming to my rescue from him but we haven't talked about where we stand now. most days he's my ex or friend in my mind but i know as someone who struggles with BPD, i have an issue with splitting. i don't think he would read anything i asked him to about the disorder but he isn't opposed to sitting down with a therapist to talk about my disorder one on one so i'm still in a holding pattern of not knowing where we stand or if we should cut it off and file for divorce when we can afford to.


Got it. Worth asking cause I know what BPD can do to people and it's great you can acknowledge it. Honestly, it sounds like filling is best path forward. It stinks to say, but that is reality. Best of luck moving forward. I know the splits are hard and will send you both into some turmoil, but hopefully you can stay strong.


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