# She's cheating Part II



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi, this is my first post and I have to say that as bad as my circumstances are and were previously, it's great to see people coming together to deal with trauma and despair that come along with a cheating spouse. I'm no stranger to these feelings of having a knife in my gut, constantly distracted thinking about my wife cheating on me and from my perspective our family (we have 4 kids 11 and younger). 

Yes, my wife had an affair before and we "coexisted" in the house with the kids for 8 months until I finally got a work gig that was too far away for me to commute so I'd go there during the week and come home most weekends. It only took about 2.5 months of me being away before my wife started acting like she wanted me back. Of course I was skeptical having been put through the heartache and devastation of her affair, the gory details, the lies, the way she paraded around in bliss with zero regard for me, our marriage, etc. Well, I looked at it like it was a 7 year itch, it was out of her system and most importantly it was the best for our kids that we be together and went back to her. 6 months later we find out we are having another baby, have the baby and it's our first boy. I am really happy. My wife seems pretty happy. 

But herein lies a big part of our problem, my wife is never entirely happy, she suffers from depression. And like many marriages, we stress over money a lot. I am the only bread winner, I do very well and she spends a lot. I've tried to get her on a budget and am still working on that. 

Well here we are a few years after the last affair and she's having another one. I knew all the signs and got proof quickly. And now I am 5 months into coexisting again with her and a lot of times it sucks. I've been spending more time focusing on myself once again and really enjoying the kids and my hobbies. But sometimes, I am very sad, hurt and even angry. As I saw in another post someone referenced that their wife was reaping the benefits of a married woman and also living like a single girl. It's amazing how you question yourself the same way even after having "learned" from the experience of going through the same situation before. 

Now, I could leave again for work and I might do that again just for some breathing room. I work from home now and she's always here and that's tough even in a healthy marriage. But my concern is if I leave again I don't want to be away from my kids but where I live I can't really work out of my house close to where I live for multiple reasons pertaining to the work I do. Also, I am concerned about the lack of attention my kids will get and how the household dynamic would go from pretty good to somewhat bad/bad. When I'm hear, I do most of the cleaning, I see the kids off to school in the morning while my wife sleeps, I usually put them to bed, following up on things at school with teachers, make their doctors and dentist appointment, etc. When I go away they get on the bus themselves while she stays in bed, the house looks like hell - I mean hell: if a toilet gets clogged she will leave it for days, if garbage is filled she'll let them overflow; the details of their day to day are not questioned and followed up on. I masquerade all of that. 

When I think about the possible outcomes right now I see: 1) living together but separate (pretty much as we are now) with the appearance of marriage but nothing else 2) divorce her, put our kids through that hell and then watch her do a sub par job raising the kids in a split custody arrangement or 3) live in a fools paradise thinking that my while we are together but separate my wife will "grow" out of this. I am not perfect but I'm open to discussing and working on my faults. My wife has depression, childhood sexual abuse and as a result is untrusting and a fanatic about her weight and appearance. I understand it all but it doesn't make living with it any easier. I think she's manic but she won't go for therapy and in the few times we have had marriage counseling she has just been disconnected and providing minimal input. Right now I am living with #1 too scared of the fallout of #2. It's hard to believe how lonely you can be in a marriage and how easily you can be fooled by someone who has already stabbed you in the heart.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

So you have ruled out divorce, or even the threat of divorce?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Have you considered trying to break up the affair? Expose it to your wife's family and friends, other man's family and friends?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Have you tried cutting off funds to your wife except for necessities, which YOU pay for directly?


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

I've told her that I can't see going on like this indefinitely and therefore divorce was inevitable but she says she doesn't want to have to move the kids out of their home so just stay here like we are now. My response was BS - you don't want to give up your lavish and lazy life style (yes I know that I enabled it and still am) but at the end of the day I feel like if I am involved any less my kids will suffer and I struggle with that versus wanting her to learn to be self sufficient and becoming a better person for our kids sake, not mine.


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

Working on the funding right now with an financial planner so there's an unbiased middle man.


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

I told her mom and let her do the rest.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ideservebetter said:


> I've told her that I can't see going on like this indefinitely and therefore divorce was inevitable but she says she doesn't want to have to move the kids out of their home so just stay here like we are now. My response was BS - you don't want to give up your lavish and lazy life style (yes I know that I enabled it and still am) but at the end of the day I feel like if I am involved any less my kids will suffer and I struggle with that versus *wanting her to learn to be self sufficient and becoming a better person for our kids sake*, not mine.


I know that you can't fix broken people. They have to fix themselves. Your kids will have kids before she gets fixed.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

If you plan on divorcing, save the pain and kick her to the curb.

Your kids will be fine.


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah it's a damn shame she's smart and incredibly beautiful. She really could have the world if she wanted.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ideservebetter said:


> I told her mom and let her do the rest.


What about other man? What have you done to make him want to quit the affair?

What do you mean you "let her do the rest"?


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> If you plan on divorcing, save the pain and kick her to the curb.
> 
> Your kids will be fine.


Yeah I survived it. I admit I got hung up on never divorcing but my mom remarried and my stepfather was my dad to me. A bigger concern is I have 3 daughters and the modeling they are getting in this situation and after a split and move out will probably be the same. My wife would inevitably have a bunch of guys in and out of her life and my kids would have to see that as well as see her try to get someone else to do everything for her. I just don't know...


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ideservebetter said:


> I've told her that I can't see going on like this indefinitely and therefore divorce was inevitable but *she says she doesn't want to have to move the kids out of their home so just stay here like we are now*. My response was BS - you don't want to give up your lavish and lazy life style (yes I know that I enabled it and still am) but at the end of the day I feel like if I am involved any less my kids will suffer and I struggle with that versus wanting her to learn to be self sufficient and becoming a better person for our kids sake, not mine.


I mean no offense by this, but you have been a bit of a doormat - if she doesn't do something, you do it for her - nevermind all the abuse you have tolerated last time and this time with no consequences ever paid by her.

The best way to snap her out of this is to go full force on breaking up the affair and at the same time file for divorce and tell her the gravy train is over. She won't believe it until she sees it.

Tell us more about other man and the affair, who he is, how they met, how they conduct the affair right now.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your children are learning and observing our relationship. They will learn that coldness, lazyness, selfishness and a lack of love, a lack of committment, and a lack of meaningful communication are how relationships work. 

They are being schooled on engaging on one failed relationship after another.
At least you will be able to demonstrate that your current relationship is unacceptable. 

Do you have close, reliable relatives nearby? You need to take control of your life. See a lawyer that practices family law. Let him/her know ALL the details. You may have a good shot at full or major custody.

In the meantime cut off her funds completely. Do the cleaning only for yourself and kids. Go out by yourself a few evenings. Go to he gym. Get a good wokout. Go jogging. Make male friends. You need to see your dr too. Get in shape.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why haven't you cut off all money to your wife?

Found out who the OM is an exposed him to his friends and family and posted him on cheaterville?

Gotten a DNA test on your son.

Gone nuclear on her instead of politely saying she should stop cheating.

She's using your worry over her depression and life history as an excuse to be nasty and selfish.

She has never faced any consequences for cheating on you.

I'm guessing that last affair ended because the OM got tried of her and moved on to better women. She used you as plan B.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You posted sometime back with a different username, didn't you ?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ideservebetter said:


> Yeah it's a damn shame she's smart and incredibly beautiful. She really could have the world if she wanted.


No she cannot and she isn't that beautiful . It is guys like you that put women like her on a pedestal and enable their behavior.

Why should she change when everything is working so well for her ?

Who is the OM this time ? Have you confronted her about it ?


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She's an user, a liar, a serial cheater an a bad mom.
She's not beatiful.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She's an user, a liar, a serial cheater an a bad mom.
> She's not beatiful.


:iagree: ugly as sin - literally


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude don;t do it, I did it for 13 years and it sucked, it doesn;t get better and you actually get worse as a father/man.

My old lady's longest time straight was 5 years. I had to go to the cops cuz they were busting us for not getting the kids to school, the house was always thrashed. I could go on and on about the 13 years of hell I excaped from by buring my self in my work.

This kind of sh1t is not fullfilling, there alot of regret, and you old lady will ger worse...dude in another ten yers she will have been with another couple dozen guys.

See man....you get worse, she gets worse, everything gets worse....make a stand *now* and what ever direction this things goes at least you made a stand and didn't make the same mistake I made so many years ago.

Dude it go to a point were I was slapping my old lady around, throwing down beer by the keg and hanging out with the guys.....my wife was the furthest thing from my mind by her 2nd or 3rd affair.

Don't make the same mistake, take action now....no matter how painful.....it only gets worse...I know!!!!! I ahve been down that same road!!!!!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude, if you stay on this course...in about 5 years you won;t even care were she is going or were she is at as long as you get yours first and then get her out of the way so you can do your own thing.

In ten years she won't even be around on the weekend, Friday will come around, you get off of work, get some 1st then won;t see her for the rest of the week end. In a dozen years, she will go to bed with you, you will wake up in the middle of the night to find her gone, only to wake up with her next to you again.....at this point is just so much easier for everyone to just sneak out in the middle of the night.

IT ONLY GETS WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please take the tough road now and deal with the pain now...who knows the both of you might deside to learn the tools you both need to have a healthy family instead of waiting so damb long like we did.


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

No offense taken. When I read what I've written I feel like a chump. I can't see past my fear of divorcing her and the aftermath and I realize that is my hang up. The other man is a teacher that my kids go to for music lessons at school and during the summer she was taking my daughter to his house for lessons and from there is where it started. So if we keep our kids in the school system I'll have to see this schmuck for the next 10+ years. He's much older so hopefully he will retire by then if we still our here. She hasn't faced consequences though and I've been clear to point out that she would have a rude awakening if I divorced her. I don't see the signs the affair is still going on but I think she's shopping for someone else at this point is my guess. 




Will_Kane said:


> I mean no offense by this, but you have been a bit of a doormat - if she doesn't do something, you do it for her - nevermind all the abuse you have tolerated last time and this time with no consequences ever paid by her.
> 
> The best way to snap her out of this is to go full force on breaking up the affair and at the same time file for divorce and tell her the gravy train is over. She won't believe it until she sees it.
> 
> Tell us more about other man and the affair, who he is, how they met, how they conduct the affair right now.


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

No, per my post this is my first. I have never been on this site before.



warlock07 said:


> You posted sometime back with a different username, didn't you ?


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

I mean I let her mom spread the word. I emailed the schmuck letting him know what he's getting in the middle of. I think they are done but I think she is shopping for someone else.



Will_Kane said:


> What about other man? What have you done to make him want to quit the affair?
> 
> What do you mean you "let her do the rest"?


----------



## ideservebetter (Feb 26, 2013)

Yes I see the flip side of staying together for the wrong reasons I think I need to really look at that more because as I have told my wife, the last thing I want my daughters to do is grow up like her and think that by being as horrible as she has been they will get a good guy and yes I am classifying myself as a good guy; doormat or not I have tried to make this work even given the near impossibility of the situation. But I do workout regularly, don't have local family or even good friends having moved here for her. I also have someone I talk to so I'm doing what I need to I believe it's just the ultimate decision here it has been a day-by-day approach up to this point. 



walkonmars said:


> Your children are learning and observing our relationship. They will learn that coldness, lazyness, selfishness and a lack of love, a lack of committment, and a lack of meaningful communication are how relationships work.
> 
> They are being schooled on engaging on one failed relationship after another.
> At least you will be able to demonstrate that your current relationship is unacceptable.
> ...


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If he works in a public school you should file a complaint with the school board. If it's a private school go to the headmaster. It doesn't matter that it might be over. Find out if he's married and expose him to his family.

See a lawyer to find out if you have any legal recourse. Your children don't need to be exposed to this guy in school. School attendance is cumpulsory, so you don't have a say in their attendance. But you can push hard to insist this immoral lech has no influence on kids from a family he helped destroy.

You sound like a walking corpse. Just waiting for things to happen to you. That's no way to live and no way to raise healthy productive kids. You may have already lost one son. Don't lose your daughter too.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ideservebetter said:


> I think she is shopping for someone else.


No kidding? Well thats why It might be good to have her served under the pretence that you don't love her and see iff you above quote is true?

Same alod crap brother..."grass is greener on the other side"

Chicks dig confident men, raise your attraction level by showing her you have the confidence to let her go! 

Sorry but your so afraid of divorce your old lady smells it on you, dude they can smell the weakness and thrieve off it.

When they smell confidence they fair it and fight to keep whats theirs.

I hate to use the term "man up" but often we guys lose our self along the way. You gotta find that guy and bring him back, your chick *had* that guy she fell in love with...not the guy you are now!!!!!!!

"No more Mr. nice guy" and "married man sex live"...look it up and read it. A couple of b1tchen books!


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The-guy is eloquent in his own way. Listen to what he says. What do you have to lose that you haven't already?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude the OM is a older man, music teacher........I could see if it was a young kid you pounded nails...but WTF?

This guy knows how to be alpha..he teaches.

You are not a schmuck...again we lose our selves, we forget who that guy is that our chick fell in love with.

I think you let your chick get away with to much for far to long...I see this cuz I did the same crap to my old lady.

It is time to reestablish boundries, before your old lady loses her marriage.

I have a sence you are ready to bail?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

walkonmars said:


> The-guy is eloquent in his own way. Listen to what he says. What do you have to lose that you haven't already?


Thank you

What eloqunt mean? :lol:


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ideservebetter said:


> No, per my post this is my first. I have never been on this site before.


Yeah, sorry for the confusion but I think his wife cheated on him multiple times but his reaction was very similar to yours...The wife was neglectful with the kids


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ideservebetter said:


> I mean I let her mom spread the word. I emailed the schmuck letting him know what he's getting in the middle of. I think they are done but I think she is shopping for someone else.


Why haven't you complained to the board of education that one of the teachers is having an affair with a married mother of one of his students? Tell his family and friends what he's done and what a slimeball he is.

What do you have to lose, your marriage?

A better way to phrase it may be, what do you have to save, your marriage?

Why don't you call all of your wife's family and friends and ask for their support, tell them she is cheating and refuses to stop, ask them to talk to her to influence her to stay faithful and work on the marriage?

If you're going to go down, go down swinging. He messed with you, now you mess with him.

Tell her she has one day to agree to these conditions or you file for divorce:

1. No contact with other man, send other man "no contact" letter (she writes it, you send it).

2. Complete transparency of communications, you get all passwords, she deletes nothing, you check when you need to.

3. STD test for her, you get the results.

4. Your kids go to a different school, not any school with other man. If she wants your kids to go there, she helps you get other man out of there.

Tell her you're done playing around with her. This is not a game and she WILL be on her own.

Following the advice here has got to work out better than what you've been doing. I don't see how it can be much worse.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Who says you have to leave the house? Tell her to get out. She can go to her mom's or the next OM she has lined up. Don't ever leave your own home. Mistake #1 most guys make. If she leaves, your chances of having custody skyrocket. 
I was like you. Months of infidelity. Trying to hold my family together in one piece. She asked me to leave. I did... and got my wits back about a month later and moved back home. Where I belonged! And my EX moved out. I ended up divorcing her 6 months later and I gained primary custody of my kids. She was screwed once she left for an extended period of time and now pays child support and the kids' medical.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@walkonmars, are you making fun of me cuz I cant spell or do like the way I talk when I post? LOL

Sorry for thre threadjack!

IDB, I have been around brother, I think its time to regroup, reevaluate, and do what works best for you and yours, in your own way. This is all our perspective and experience....learn from it and apply what works for you.

But until your old lady sees you bailing on her she will either prove her selve and fight, or phuck it and walk away. It is this shift in power that just might make this thing work out, but in the end its her call to save this or continue on her current path.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

This was posted on another thread by carmen_ohio, it's good advice, maybe you can benefit from some of it:

_Dear Andy01,

While I greatly respect the other posters on this thread, I believe many of them, like you, are missing the big picture here -- namely, what should you do to regain your happiness.

From reading your notes, it is clear that you were absent from class the day they handed out the "how to be happy" instructions. So let me fill you in on The 10 Rules for Happiness:

Rule No. 1: You only get one life; never forget that. Corollary: You don't know how long you will live, you could live another 50 years or you might die tomorrow; never forget that either.

Rule No. 2: Deal with things as they really are, not as you would like them to be. Face up to your problems rather than pretending they don't exist or hoping they will simply go away.

Rule No. 3: You are solely responsible for your own happiness: don't expect or look to others to make you happy.

Rule No. 4: Your decisions and actions will have the greatest impact on your happiness. If you do the right things, your life will be better and vice versa. Corollary: Be honest with yourself about your failings and genuinely seek to improve yourself.

Rule No. 5: There is no guarantee that you will always be happy: some people win life's lottery, most don't and some people get the shaft. Corollary 1: Don't complain about the cards you are dealt or wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on what you can control and learn not to worry about the rest. Corollary 2: Understand that it sometimes takes time and effort to regain your happiness.

Rule No. 6: Understand what makes you happy and what doesn't. Corollary 1: Since you will change over time, reconsider from time to time what will make you happy now and adjust your decisions and actions accordingly. Corollary 2: When something happens that makes you very unhappy, consider the totality of the situation: sometimes cutting down a few trees is the answer, other times you need to look for a new forest in which to live.

Rule No. 7: Do what makes you happy. Don't do what others (parents, friends, bosses, spouses, even children) want you to do unless it is what makes you happy. This might sound selfish but it's not. Some people are happiest when they are serving others (e.g., firemen, Mother Teresa). 

Rule No. 8: If you are unhappy about something, eliminate it from your life or, if that is not possible, minimize the degree of unhappiness it can cause you. If it's a situation (like a bad job), change it. If it's a thing (like a poorly operating car), get rid of it. If it's a person (like a wayward spouse), stop interacting or least minimize contact with the person. Corollary: When something or someone starts to cause you unhappiness, take action immediately; don't wait around hoping things will get better.

Rule No. 9: You don't apologize to anyone for doing what makes you happy. Corollary: You have no obligation to explain yourself or justify your decisions or actions. If you choose to do so, it should only be because it is to your advantage to do so.

Rule No. 10: Be the best person you can be, as you measure things. For most men, this means being fit and attractive to members of the opposite sex, being financially successfully and being emotionally strong and independent. But if you measure life success differently (e.g., displaying Christian virtues, gaining notoriety, acquiring power), then make these the main focus of you efforts.

If we apply these rules to your situation, it become readily apparent that you are breaking all the rules. For example:

☻ You are focused in the moment rather than thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life (violation of Rule No. 1). 

☻ You are more concerned about what your W may or may not have done rather than dealing with what you know she has done (violation of Rule No. 2).

☻ You seek affirmation from your W of your self-worth and the guidance of strangers as to what you should do, rather than taking responsibility for yourself (violation of Rule Nos. 3, 4 and 9).

☻ You are reluctant to take steps to improve your situation and instead are wallowing in self-pity and shame (violation of Rule Nos. 5, 7, 8 and 10).

☻ You seem not to have thought deeply about what you really want out of life (violation of Rule No. 6). 

☻ You reject the notion that your life may have to radically change in order for you to (eventually) be happy (another violation of Rule No. 6).

Based on the facts as you have recited them, I believe you have ample reason to be unhappy in your current circumstances and sufficient justification for taking action. So let me offer you an alternative approach to your problem that is consistent with the Rules of Happiness:

1. Sit your W down and tell her that you are so unhappy with your marriage that you are prepared to end it. Explain that, given what you know (OM's note, her hiding her phone messages, etc.), you can only conclude that either she is having an affair or that she doesn't care about you (as these are the only two reasons why she would not have taken steps to address your concerns when you first raised them). Say that, in either case, you would rather end your marriage than continue it since you deserve and are confident that you can have better than what you have right now.

2. Tell her that, out of love for her and your children, you are willing to give her one last chance to save her marriage and prove to you that she is a worthy wife. This requires her telling you everything that has happened between her and her boss, showing you all of her e-mails and text messages, giving you access to all of her communications in the future, immediately terminating all contact with her boss, demonstrating by word and deed on a daily basis that she loves and respects you and doing whatever else you require for her to prove her worth.

3. Tell her that it is her choice whether to do these things or not but, if she chooses not to, you plan to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

4. Stay calm and collected and don't argue with her. If she questions or challenges anything you say, calmly reply that she now knows what you expect of her and it is up to her to decide what she wants to do. Repeat your message as many times as necessary until she realizes that you mean what you say.

5. Give her a very short period of time to consider this. For example, tell her that you plan to speak to an attorney the next day so, if she wants to save her marriage, she has but a few hours to accept your offer.

6. If she refuses, immediately speak to an attorney and commence divorce proceedings.

7. If she agrees, continue to monitor her closely to make sure she does not go underground. Don't tolerate her complaining or pouting for more than a couple of days. If you get any indication that she is not serious about following through with her promise, start divorce proceedings.

8. For the foreseeable future, be cordial toward your W but nothing more. Don't initiate conversations, compliment her, argue with her or do anything else that would lead her to believe that she is anything special to you. Act at all times like a man who knows what he wants and knows that he can get what he wants, if not from her, then somewhere else.

9. Begin to take steps to improve yourself (exercise, work, activities). Make this -- along with your kids -- the focus of your life for now.

10. Start to educate yourself on what it takes to be a man in the 21st century. A good place to start is to read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay.

If you take these steps, I can't guarantee that you will end up in a happy marriage with your current W but I can promise that, eventually, you will give yourself the greatest chance of finding true happiness. The key point is that you can't control your W but you can control you. Hence, you should be doing the things that will eventually make you happy, whether your W wants to be with you or not.

I'm not saying any of this will be easy; it may be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But unless you do it, your life will likely only get worse.

Wishing the best for you.​_


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ideservebetter said:


> Hi, this is my first post and I have to say that as bad as my circumstances are and were previously, it's great to see people coming together to deal with trauma and despair that come along with a cheating spouse. I'm no stranger to these feelings of having a knife in my gut, constantly distracted thinking about my wife cheating on me and from my perspective our family (we have 4 kids 11 and younger).
> 
> Yes, my wife had an affair before and we "coexisted" in the house with the kids for 8 months until I finally got a work gig that was too far away for me to commute so I'd go there during the week and come home most weekends. It only took about 2.5 months of me being away before my wife started acting like she wanted me back. Of course I was skeptical having been put through the heartache and devastation of her affair, the gory details, the lies, the way she paraded around in bliss with zero regard for me, our marriage, etc. Well, I looked at it like it was a 7 year itch, it was out of her system and most importantly it was the best for our kids that we be together and went back to her. 6 months later we find out we are having another baby, have the baby and it's our first boy. I am really happy. My wife seems pretty happy.
> 
> ...


OMG, that exactly sounds like my marriage except for the actual cheating. That's enough for me to want a divorce alone. Clogged toilets, check ... seeing kids off to school, check ... working full time while she does jack sh!t, check ... make money that she spends, check ... house looks like hell, check ... coexisting, check ... alone in marriage, check.

The only dilemma I have is the children. Because she doesn't work, she'll probably take you to the cleaners in a divorce and you won't see your children every day. I have no good answer but I feel your pain. 

The only thing I can say is that despite the hardship both you AND the children might benefit from a divorce. Make a happy home apart from hers and be a role model to your children. She will not grow out of this. It might be hell on the children at first BUT right now they consider the dynamics of your relationship with your wife as normal and THAT is not healthy. You will probably find that as they grow older, they will recognize the difference and will want to spend their time in your home.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She cheated with a school teacher, ok a few well place comments on the Internet and the OM will get his.

First, cheaterville.com is a must.

Next send that info to the PTA and the school district , get the word out this scumbag is going after moms of his students.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife is not afraid of losing you. She thinks you are incapable of finding another woman, she thinks that you are so in love with her that you will never do anything to hurt her and you will NEVER leave her. That is her thought process - that your love is unconditional, like a father's love for his daughter, or a brother's love for his sister - you may get mad at them, but you never will leave them or "disown" them.

Marriages are not based on "unconditional" love. Marriages are based on a mutual promise to each other to love, honor, respect each other for better or worse. For better or worse doesn't refer to the breaking of the vows, it refers to financial conditions, health conditions, good times and bad times, but it doesn't mean you stick with the spouse no matter how badly they have broken and continue to break their vows.

For the sake of your kids, I think you should attempt reconciliation IF your wife is willing and IF she ceases all affair behavior and re-commits to you and the marriage completely. But don't attempt to reconcile if she isn't going to stop her terrible behavior; don't attempt to reconcile at the price of your dignity and self-respect.

If she is not willing to do what you need to reconcile, just let her go - don't support her, don't make her life easier, bust up her affair, and go after the other man - but let her go.

This also is from another poster on an old thread:

_I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

*The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face *wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

*Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker*.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

*"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option.* I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, *you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair*, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", *you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern*, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

*You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you*.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.​_


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> For the sake of your kids, I think you should attempt reconciliation IF your wife is willing and IF she ceases all affair behavior and re-commits to you and the marriage completely. But don't attempt to reconcile if she isn't going to stop her terrible behavior; don't attempt to reconcile at the price of your dignity and self-respect.[/INDENT][/I]


Will, I am normally in the camp that reconciliation is preferred when there are children BUT this marriage seems completely dysfunctional even without the cheating. I do believe that children benefit the most from a two-parent home but I don't think that is an iron-clad rule. That is speaking generally. If one parent is destructive (and she is destructive in a number of ways) then sometimes I think it is best for the children to remove or limit that influence. There are countless examples of children who grow up and lead dysfunctional lives or have dysfunctional marriages largely influenced by the fact that the parents kept it together for the sake of the children. I personally know a couple of people who admitted to me that they are grateful their parents divorced because otherwise their childhood would have been hell. As one good friend said to me ... "thank god my dad divorced my mom! If he hadn't I would have no idea what a good marriage was and I'd be as screwed up as she is!"


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey IDB-----I do not know why you would wanna stay with this woman who claims to be a wife and mother, but that seems to be the path of misery you want to follow---so as per that path----here is IMHO, what you need to do.

Your W, is a SAHM, who does nothing, she contributes nothing, and she cheats----Is this the role model you want for your 3 daughters---and your son---who just may not be your son---anyway---she needs a large dose of REALITY

You cut off all the money from her-----you pay for everything, put a GPS on the car, and make sure she is accountable for where she goes, in that her driving, is for family necessities ONLY----put only enuff gas in the car---to cover her errands, and that's it------take away any CC's from her.

Tell her she WILL CLEAN, COOK, AND DO LAUDRY, AND IF SHE REFUSES, THEN DOCUMENT ALL OF IT, AND SHOW HER THE DOOR-------you are working, for the family, and in this marital arrangement---her part is to take care of the home and kids

Under no circumstances---do you leave the home---no matter what she does

Take away any computer access she has---and give her a cell phone---THAT WILL ONLY MAKE PHONE CALLS

Go dark on her---tell her any and all contact with other men cease as of YESTERDAY---once again if she doesn't like it---she can leave

Remove her and her belongings from the marital bedroom----SHE MUST GET A TASTE OF WHAT LIFE WILL BE LIKE ON HER OWN, if you are to have any chance at a successful R----cuz as of now---she has no accountabiliity, and no boundaries, and her life is cushy, so why should she change

Tell the OM's wife, what he has done---if he has one-----also tell the OM, that if he comes within 100 yards of your wife, for any reason, or makes any kind of attempt at contact with her---you will report him to the school district---and file a lawsuit against the SCHOOL DISTRICT for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress----the last thing this guy wants, is his job threatened, and for the school district to have to defend a lawsuit, he was the cause of

It is time your wife started performing her SAHM duties--FULLTIME, and it is time her cushy lifestyle DISAPPEARED.

Also google the state you live in---google the state's FAMILY CODES---so you are familiar with every aspect of the law---as it pertains, to custody, support, divorce, and grounds for divorce.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. You said you think she is manic. Hypersexuality is a symptom of mania and many people who wouldn't engage in an extramarital affair will do so if manic. Bipolar disorder is treatable. I know. I am stable on meds. I've had some outrageous behavior in the past when unmedicated. Bp impairs judgment and makes it hard for one to understand the consequences of their actions. Once properly medicated judgment comes back. 

It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right meds and a few months to see if they are working, but it is worth the effort. 

Issues with personality don't respond to medication, but bipolar disorder does!


----------



## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Divorce and custody is your biggest fear. Have you seen a lawyer (or 3) yet? What have they said? You know what you want and what is best for the kids. I think it is time to get premeditated. Make a plan. Document everything with the kids. You work from home, so you could work and maintain custody right? Cold and businesslike. Suprise is your best friend with this. She moves out, don't ever leave the house even tenporarily(extremely important). You need a VAR (or 3). If you want out, you can make it happen.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this but you are not completly in a hopless situation. The POS my wife was fing was also a school teacher. 

I collected email address for the Principal and the The District Supervisior. I sent them a joint email. No my kids are grown and never went to school there but he did use the school email system and text her during the school day.

I made it clear that A if this did not stop I would pursue legal means and B if they did not discipline the teacher I would pursue legal means of resolving.

Guess what I heard from both that this would stop and then I was told of how he was punished.

Get it done and then do the 180 on your wife. Your kids are old enough. Tell them and they will find out at some point anyway. Explain to your girls what is going on. They will turn on Mom. Stop making her life easy


----------

