# Husband and Child before we married



## Confused40 (Sep 14, 2010)

First off hello to everyone. I am in a bit of turmoil.

I really don't want to discuss to much with hubby most of this because I really do not want him to feel bad about his feelings.

Sorry but it is a long story. 
I met my husband 21 years ago. We met and after a short time together we just knew we were meant to be together.
We got married and shortly after that I became pregnant with our first child it was then he went into more detail about a previous relationship with a woman he had ask her to marry before me and before his 1st wife.

He told me that he could possible be the father to this ladies child but pushed it off that he was more then likely not the father.
Over the years his family and I as well as our kids have known about this so its not like it was a big secret.

But shortly after our daughter our first child a lawyer called asking my husband to sign over his rights so this previous child could be adopted by her grandparents. He was led to believe from the lady that he was not the father then she would say that the child was probably his but her mother kept telling my husband that he was not the father but her ex hubby was and he was abusive and that they only put his name on the birth certificate cause that did not want him to get any kind of custody of the child.

I tried very hard to get him to not sign his rights over till he got a DNA test so that way he would be able to be a part of her life and it would be accepted that she was his daughter.

He felt at the time that the grandparents would take care of her and love her and that the mother of the child also wanted this.

Lawyer told him that everything was done and that there was nothing that he could do but sign papers and talked him into believing this was the best thing.

So he signed away his rights. His family (mom,dad and etc) all knew about this child also and even got to meet her one time.
Over the years they have pushed and pushed about was she really his that they would like to know.

I have been treated bad anytime it was brought up like I was trying to block anything from happening.
I was led to believe that she was not his child until recently now after my husband sister had done some digging she found the mother and child.

Hubby tells me that he really wants to know for sure and I tell him I would want to know also if I was in his shoes. I am trying to be very understanding and level headed about this.

The child has now grown into a young lady of 25 yrs old and has three children of her own. I have no problem for him finding out if she is his or not. My problem is it is very hard for me to deal with because I was led to believe that he more then likely was not the father and that he only shared that type of relationship with me the only mother of his two current children.

I worry about his feelings , our own children and how it will effect our lives especially if it turns out that she is and if it turns out not good.

The mother I feel has asked some inappropriate things, like asking my husband to come by her work so they can talk.
I am also now getting phone calls from private number and then they sit and wait a while and just hang up.
She told her daughter that she messed up and let the good one get away. You know when you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach well I have it with his previous girl friend that this is all surrounding. 

Hubby and I both feel that if she would like to speak about there possible daughter that it should be done with me involved if I want to be. As I do because that is a part of my husband if she is his child and I love him and would love her also.

He has been a great father to our children and even though we have had our problems off and on in our own marriage we have worked through them and still are madly in love with each other.

I really upset about the fact that he apparently never used condoms when he was single or dating and how many more times will this be a issue plus its just down right nasty and so irresponsible of him. Plus the fact that he always tried to make me feel that this child was really not his but the mothers ex-husbands. Making me feel we really shared something only with each other. I can not help feeling that I hope she is not his child but was told that she was born 9 months and 2 days after they had sex together.

So that leaves me to believe that she is probably his.

I do not want him to feel like I am de-valuing his feelings but I can not help feeling like I was lied to and then being treated horrible over this by his own mother about my feelings. She told me straight up I do not know what is bothering you about it this happened before you two were together.


Sorry about the long story but that is pretty much it in a nutshell. Any advice to help me cope with this would be much appreciated.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

The fact that your husband is still with you and helping you raise your children should quell most disquieting thoughts about... well his loyalty towards you and your children. You said yourself



> He has been a great father to our children and even though we have had our problems off and on in our own marriage we have worked through them and still are madly in love with each other.


But what you worry about is:


> I have been treated bad anytime it was brought up like I was trying to block anything from happening.
> I was led to believe that she was not his child until recently now after my husband sister had done some digging she found the mother and child.


But you urged him when this was first happening to not give up his rights to be the father to this child until he got a DNA test. Since he didn't and did give up his rights - I don't see why now with the child full grown and having a family of her own would become an issue. 

Do you feel like you have been blocking your husband from possibly having a relationship with his daughter? Despite the fact that this girl was not borne from you - it doesn't change the fact that he could be her biological father. Isn't that unfair to the child? Preventing a possible relationship and connection to a father figure she may have never had in her life?

I know some people who have never known their father. Though there is often good reason (bad fathers) one thing I always here in common is their wondering of what kind of person he was and how their relationship might have been like.



> I worry about his feelings , our own children and how it will effect our lives especially if it turns out that she is and if it turns out not good.


I think I need to know how this would not turn out good for you family. Other than explaining to your children about what happened previously, this should not do any longstanding damage to your family unless there's another issue not being spoken about.



> Hubby and I both feel that if she would like to speak about there possible daughter that it should be done with me involved if I want to be. As I do because that is a part of my husband if she is his child and I love him and would love her also.


I agree that you should be involved in the discussing over what's been going on out of respect to your husband and yours possible future involvement. However, I don't think any discussion should be had until the DNA test is made and determined that your husband is - in fact- the father of the child. 



> I do not want him to feel like I am de-valuing his feelings but I can not help feeling like I was lied to and then being treated horrible over this by his own mother about my feelings. She told me straight up I do not know what is bothering you about it this happened before you two were together.



Earlier in your post, you said your husband and you had a discussion over the possibility that it might be his child. You even encourage him to get a DNA test! So I'm not sure why now you feel like you've been lied to. It's been my impression that your husband was also led to believe that the child wasn't his and accepted that and moved on in his life with you and his children he had with you.

The mother, well, Mother in Laws will be MIL's. I wouldn't put any real weight into what she says and if she gets out of hand - let your husband know and check her. That's his job.

Overall, you've been going back and forth between saying you "accept and support your husband with this child being his." To: "I feel lied to about the child being his and I don't agree with this happening at all."

Point in fact: you either stand by your husband or you don't. Yes this was a relationship that happened before you were together - but Who Did He Marry?
Who did he have a life with?
Who did he raise and love his children with?
Who has he supported and given his all to?

You guys have worked out issues before, this is just another one where you have to accept that perhaps he had a child (by accident) with a woman he had a relationship before you. His actions with not practicing safe sex are terrible, but they are in the past. So it's not worth holding onto something that should no longer be an issue (unless there is possible cheating going on?) then it might be time for a physical.

Holding onto the past only makes us blind to the present.

You need to decide whether you're on board with this or not. And then you need to sit down and tell your husband how you feel and work something out.

Hiding how you feel will only make you the "bad guy" in the end because how will he know how to help and support you if you don't tell him what the problem is? It's okay to express your uncertainty and doubts about the situation - but you should hear out why he is doing this first, and then come to a compromise.

But first get that DNA test.


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## Confused40 (Sep 14, 2010)

Thank you for your insight.



> But you urged him when this was first happening to not give up his rights to be the father to this child until he got a DNA test. Since he didn't and did give up his rights - I don't see why now with the child full grown and having a family of her own would become an issue.


 Yes he did sign his rights away on her and told me just like everyone else told him it was very unlikely he was the her father.

I think the more I think about it I guess he believed that himself.
I am sure he would think about it when she was on his mind through the years and wish he had done DNA.

I REALLY am NOT gonna hold him back from getting a DNA or having a relationship with her whether she is or not because he did spend time with her when she was little and I know how he is when he has a special place in his heart for a person.

I think it will just take time to absorb it all and everything will work out.

But as for the mother we no longer want or really need contact with her since hubby has made contact and is currently speaking with (fake name so not to reveal possible daughter real name)Jessica.

The mother is making bold statements, sending hubby emails and now we are also getting called from a private number and then when answered someone sits there then hangs up.

The mother said she wished she had not let my hubby get away from her and from what we gather from her daughter that she only comes around her when she wants a shoulder to cry on and use Jessica.

So my feelings is the Jessica's mother is gonna be bad news wanting and missing what she could of had.

Hubby said he would set her straight and in no way is she gonna upset our family or plus one more family nor will his own mother.

Hubby and I make it a point to try to explain our feelings to each other even if at that point and time it might hurt more from first hearing it and with time more thoughts and thinking it through brings us more understanding to how the other feels.


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