# How do I trust her again?



## hurting (May 19, 2009)

Help!

As I sit her looking at this screen my wife is in the bedroom asleep. She went to bed mad at me for feeling the way I do and I don't know what to do to fix this. I thought about calling the crisis center but felt that this wasn't the sort of thing that they would deal with even though it is causing me to loose sleep and is killing me inside. The week end before Easter i walked into my bedroom to find my wife hiding the fact that she was on the phone with another man. I had been feeling that something wasn't right for a couple of weeks and something told me that I should just walk down the hall and check on her. When I confronted her she told me that she had been chatting with this man online and that it had been going on a few weeks. During the course of the discussion she revealed that she had told him that she loved him. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't describe the feeling of betrayal that I felt, and am still feeling today. We talked a very long time that evening to say the least. I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said she didn't know what she wanted. I told her that I loved her and that she meant more to me than life itself but that if she didn't want to be with me that I loved her enough to let her go. The next day we continued our discussion. She came to me and asked what I wanted her to do. She said that she still loved me and did not want a divorce. I of course said that she would have to end the relationship with the other man and not speak with him any more. She said that she would and indeed e-mailed him a letter explaining that she was married and that they could not talk to each other any more. The fact that she was married she had told me was something that she had neglected to tell the other man. She has said several times that she feels ashamed of what she has done to me. The easy thing for me to have done would have been to become so angry and hateful that we could not have stayed together. I believe her when she says that the relationship with the other man is over. But -
That word just hangs there in any problem. My wife still has male friends on the internet. She chats with them often. One particular friend named Chris she chats with a lot. Chris knows she is married. She says that there is nothing going on and that she doesn't think of Chris in that way, that they are just friends. When i say often maybe I'm being to vague. She chats with Chris daily lots and lots. She chats with him after work when she gets home almost from the time she comes in the door until she goes to bed at night. He calls her at work. Now is it me or is that a little weird. Tonight I was sitting on the couch playing an online game and she began to put on makeup. I thought that was odd so I asked her if she was going out. She said no and i thought that was odd as well. After i finished playing the game online i thought i had spent too much time online and hadn't paid any attention to my wife so I thought i should sit on the couch by her while she (of course) chatted with -who else- Chris. I glanced over at the screen to see that she was video chatting with him. Now this isn't to say that there is anything wrong with video chatting or that they were doing anything wrong. Heck i was in the same room the entire time. But -
there is that word again... It bothered me... It bothered me that she didn't say that was what she was doing.. it was as if she was hiding the fact that she was doing it intentionally. I tried to explain that it bothered me and she got mad. That is why she went to sleep mad. She says that since everything happened I have been smothering her. That she feels like I constantly watch over her. That I wont let her have her space. She is probably right about smothering her. I have been trying to stay close and to keep my eyes open. I don't know what else to do. I know that i can't live like this. I shouldn't have to. I have always been faithful. We have been together 10 years. I tell her that if the tables had been turned she would feel this way but she doesn't seem to understand. She says I can't see how she feels. I am honestly trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so sad all the time. I fight back tears every day. Sometimes like tonight i can't sleep. Anybody with any helpful suggestions would be appreciated. Mainly I needed to say something to somebody or i was gonna go nuts. You see, I really don't have anybody to talk to. 

If no one reads this because it is too long I understand too. Thanks for letting me vent at the very least.

Feeling alone and In a lot of pain,

Hurting.


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## sumbodysumwhere (May 19, 2009)

I would ask her about marriage counseling or some sort of constructive therapy that you can both be honest and open and talk about your feelings without being hurtful to each other. My wife was in an "emotional" affair with her ex boyfriend so I know what you're going through man. 

If she isn't in to the idea of trying to work on the marriage then you need to seriously consider just ripping the bandaid off completely instead of the slow painful route of living with deception and having your sanity slowly peeled away while you wonder what if every day. Its not worth it. You owe it to yourself to be happy and not have your emotions toyed with.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Since she had told the other other man she loved him then she was probably involved in an emotional affair. He was telling her things she wanted to hear. Likely something she doesn’t perceive she gets from you. Sorry to say that her relationship with Chris is also an EA but she doesn’t understand that is what it is. (Chatting while you are in the room vs. conversations while hiding in the bedroom.) Her attachment to him is likely deeper than she realizes. Your marriage has been severely disrupted and you are probably overcompensating because of it. If she is asking for space then give her some. As for man #1 she has stated it is over so if you believe in her there, let it go and don’t snoop. You have a tougher challenge with Chris. Chatting with any friend, male or female nonstop from the time she gets home until she goes to bed is unacceptable. Sound as if you have ignored her in the past with on-line gaming. You’ve likely grow very far apart and she is compensating for the lack of attention in these on-line relationships. The two on you need to have a conversation to determine what is missing for each of you in the marriage. Determine the reasons you spend your evenings effectively apart. Once you discover those work to improve each of your behaviors and become happier in the marriage. If you better fulfill each other’s needs then the distractions with other activities will wane. You will need to prepare yourself to confront her about her relationship with Chris. It will likely have to end to get you back on track. This is a fixable but difficult situation. Good luck


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can't trust her - until _both_ of you acknowledge that your marriage faces serious consequences if you _both_ don't take steps to repair the damage.

The first hurdle to get over is determining whether you and your wife actually want to address the problems, or present the 'appearance' of addressing the problem. One means commitment to an outcome - the other is lip-service to continue destructive behavior.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I hate to say it, but any kind of a cheater will always be a cheater. 

My xgf dumped me and married her neighbor for his money. I'm SO turned off women now! 

I don't think I could have another relationship if I wanted to. 

Tell her to dump Chris and TOM. Period. She needs to spend time on your marriage. Go to counseling. 

If she won't, time to move on. Do NOT prolong the pain; it won't help.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

dcrim said:


> I hate to say it, but any kind of a cheater will always be a cheater.


Dcrim

I have to disagree with a cheater is always a cheater.

I cheated on my Wife 12 years ago and since never have I cheated again.



Hurting

I agree with Amplexor 100%

My Wife did the same thing and was lacking the love and attention from me, so she sought it on line.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Roger,

i will agree with you, but at the same time the following is applicable.

15-20 percent are repeat offenders

That is an extreme percentage of repeaters. So it behooves the cheated on to really think about the marriage.

Quits, its a go recover or to the crap table of chance.

I personallly it was over in my case.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Johnamos

I won't disagree a % are repeaters... but not all cheaters are repeaters...

I also think I might have mistaken Dcrim's comment! The comment A Cheater will always be a cheater is right, but it does not mean they will cheat again... Sorry about that Dcrim.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

Roger,

The % is based on the boundries of the marriage has been taken down, and thus if opportunity in marriage (issues) avails itself the person will repeat the behavior. The only bad thing is this is that the forgiving partner can be more hurt than the first time.

This usually leaves human debris field of the cheated on that will last a lifetime which is so bad.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

When my wife told me about her affair I also watched her like a hawk it is because the trust is broken it seems like at times the cheater doesnt realize how much damage they actually cause well my suspisions ended up driving my wife away and she ended up moving out without notice and after being seperated for 2 months she ended up with the other man now we are getting a divorce the lesson i learned is that even though every bit of your mind and soul goes crazy wondering if she is having an affair i think you have to keep yourself in check and try not to drive your wife away but do things to make her want to be near you this isnt an easy thing to do you both should talk about what makes each other happy and start to focus on those things I have been there at least your wife never had sex with this other man so before she does this remember any relationship that your wife has with the opposite sex has potential to become an affair dont be fooled for one moment this guy chris is a threat and that situation needs to be handled before something does happen between them why would he have any reason to be calling your wife at work other than that is the place they know you arent around to listen think about it well be strong and I am very sorry that this is happening God Bless


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

I guess I can relate to the OP. I was in the same situation. Nearly word for word I posted this very thing a while ago. 

With that said the only advise I can give is do NOT settle for anything less then what you "need" from her. My wife had me in such a bad place because of her online affair that I wasn't eating or sleeping. At one point I went 48 hours without eating anything. After my wife stopped talking to this guy I couldn't trust her. I did the same thing as the OP and the wife told me I was smothering her. She told me I have issues, bla bla bla. I would talk to her for hours and explain how I felt and should would change the subject to something I would do to her (mostly the smothering thing). After a while she had me convinced I was nuts for feeling the way I did and I needed to seek help. Well I went to a therapist expecting her to confirm I had issues. Funny thing happen though. The therapist told me there was nothing wrong with me and if I wasn't acting the way I was she would be worried. She said my wife broke the trust I had for her and she was going to have to work long and hard to rebuild it. She said that my wife needed to be an open book and come clean or there would be no hope for us.

Well when I came home that night the wife said "Well? What did she say?" I told her I didn't want to tell her till we went together (didn't want to get her defensive about it) but she kept asking. Finally I told her what was said and basically that the rules were would be playing by from now on were mine and I was not going to let her online chatting effect me anymore. I told her she needed to choose between me or her internet "friends". I had finally put my foot down and gave her to choice. Either answer I was sticking to my guns because in the end I had finally knew I was right to feel the way I did. I was lucky in that my wife chose our marriage. She closed all her accounts and I have the password to her email and complete access to her computer and phone. It still bothers her when I check up on her but I'm noticing I do it less and less anymore. I'm starting to regain some trust with her. I don't completely trust her but I don't worry as much as I did.

So again my advise would be to seek a little outside help. Believe it or not it only took one chat with a therapist to make me feel 1000x better and to get my marriage on track again. I plan to go back to help the healing process. Also you need to understand that you aren't wrong for feeling the way you do. She betrayed your trust and it's a long rocky road ahead for her to regain it. She needs to understand what if something is bothering you it's not as important as to why it's bothering you and more important as to why she wont stop doing it. Think about it. If she really loves you and really wants her marriage to work why would she have an issue giving up some online friends? If you knew chatting with women online hurt your wife, would you stop doing it? Is it too much to ask for her to do the same.

Beside if she is willing to give up her marriage for a friend, well you have your answer there.


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## johnamos (May 8, 2009)

peace you sound like me, the A ended our marriage.

No way was going to trust again, why if it was legal to put wife in a cage my ex would have been sitting in it watched.

I do not know about you, but time has passed and it worked out for the best. I really do beleive would have never trusted her again.

Think of it, in 5 yrs from now she is walking in at 2am from a "girls night out" the damage would cause all the pain to repeat.

We (you and I) made the correct choices in hindsight.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

I feel your pain, hurting. My wife and I are divorcing after I found her having an emotional affair with two men. Alot of unresolved issues were allowed to grow and fester until we fell out of love with each other. 

I suggest you two seriously seek a therapist and openly communicate with each other your issues with your therapist. You're going to have a rough road ahead as trust is out the window, but I'm a romantic, and I believe this can be worked through if both of you still love each other. 

You might even need to separate for awhile. But that can be a double-edged sword, as she may begin to REALLY enjoy her newfound freedom and decide she doesn't want to be with you anymore (that's what happened to me).


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## kiran23 (Sep 18, 2008)

Roger136913 said:


> Dcrim
> 
> I have to disagree with a cheater is always a cheater.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with this point......


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Here is something written by one of our members (Michzz) that makes more sense than any other post I've read.

Here goes:


What this boils down to is that your wife is someone who has different values than your self regarding faithfulness.

You believe in fidelity - period.

She believes in it until it doesn't suit her.

That may be a lifetime, it ay be two weeks. You do not know.

so you have few option.

1. trust her fidelity but check from time to time. not palatable, but doable.

2. Not trust her at all, be hypervigilent and drive her to her usual coping method - cheating.

3. Blindly trust her and get shellshocked someday when she resorts to her usual coping mechanism.

4. leave her now and find somerone who shares your core belief in fidelity.


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## collegegrad09 (May 27, 2009)

Wow. It seems there is some sort of relationship between your wife and this Chris fellow, whether it was emotional or sexual. It is possible that the men your wife communicates with are giving her attention, emotions, etc that you aren't. It is also possible that she's not telling you what the relationship is "lacking", so you have no idea what it may be. So, I would have to agree that marriage counseling would be the next attempt to finding out what's the matter.
As for the trust, it sounds like you are putting a lot of it into your wife, especially after the first red flag, and seems she is taking advantage of that. It is totally understandable that you feel you have to look over your wife's shoulder all the time, so it is apparent that your trust in her is disintegrating, but it will also make you go mad. Trust is a very serious and sensitive thing. Unfortunately, when all is lost, it will take some work on both your parts to regain that trust.


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## kuyaeye (Jun 15, 2009)

My wife is doing the same thing to me... I have a feeling deep down she is planning to leave me for this guys, I think she is just waiting for the go ahead on his part.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

Well, I have to say that my first reaction would be to rip the computer out and throw it in the driveway; trash. I almost did that to our computer. I gave my husband a chance and he didn't let me down, so we still have a computer.

If she wants your trust back and really cares how you feel she should stay off of the computer. 

I would suggest counseling together, or alone. Also, when I have a problem I look for self-help books, at a bookstore or the library.

You may want to watch a movie called "Fireproof". Make sure you watch it to the end.

Good Luck to you sir.


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## CAPABLE DUBE (Apr 24, 2012)

This is closer home to me.

I had this problem with my girlfriend, she used to chat with her internet "friends" about funny staff as having sex, penetration and that kind of staff.

it hurt me alot coz i had told her of her such friends she treasure most than our relationship, it was tight and i thought of abandoning her since then, i didnt even want to solve things because she had betrayed my trust that i had for her...

i thought we had talked about such friends as she also answered her phone outside, then the next month i got into her e-mail, and got the SHOCK of my life, she was having sex with that guy!
I asked her, she denied, then i called it quits, she came cring to me one morning trying to explain that she didnt do it, but my conscience didnt accept her apology, but as a person i had loved her that long i accepted that, but i am living with that in my life now...

how can i trust her again? i cant force myself, its difficult for me to trust her anymore, now when she is on the phone, i feel bad and wish i could know who she talked to, it is sad because i hate it and i dont know wether to move on or what...

Can i move on?


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

It sounds to me like she is trying to get you to make her choice for her. She sounds like she is doing this to get you to leave or divorce her so she can say its not her fault.

I don't know about cheaters, but people that lie to their spouse about alot of things cannot be trusted. You'll just end up more hurt and in a worse place if you go back to trusting her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

This guy has this one post from over three years ago then never came back. Capaballe Dube. You may want to start a new thread of your own for help. Put it in coping w/ infidelity. You will get good help.


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## SamOwenRelationshipCoach (May 30, 2012)

Dear Hurting,

I am so sorry for your pain. Only you truly now how much this is hurting you.

There is a lot of useful advice and lots of constructive exercises in my book (Relationship Remedies: Relating Better to Yourself and Others) that would help you (and your wife if is she is also willing to read it) but I will give you something to work with straightaway.

You guys need to be able to communicate about this properly in order to resolve it. If she gets angry and won't discuss it then say something like, "The fact that you won't discuss this makes me feel that you don't care about our marriage and don't want us to work things out. If that's true then please just let me know." Own your feelings rather than leveling accusations at her in order to get the lines of communication open. 

Also, ask her things like: 
"What did I do wrong or neglect to do that made you want to seek fulfillment elsewhere?" 
"What do you need from me in order for us to go back to feeling 100% happy with our relationship?"
"Why do you want to stay married to me rather than divorcing?"

Her response to the latter needs to be convincing, convincing that she does want to be with you and is not biding her time until she "finds something better", not to say that's what she's doing now.

Let her know that you respect yourself and that she must respect you too in order for this marriage to work. To show her that you respect her she must be shown that you respect yourself and are willing to accept a minimum of a certain level of behaviour from her and she must have a certain expectation of what she wants from you too. When you both know what you are willing to accept from one another in terms of behaviour in your relationship, then you can both decide if you are willing to give it and accept it and whether you can work together on creating a successful, happy, healthy marriage. 

As my signature is not yet working for some reason, I will post a link to my website here: Sam Owen | Relationship Coach, Psychologist, Author and Speaker


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