# 3 years of marriage - no sex already!



## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him. 

He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal. 

Besides the sex life, he's the best husband I could ask for. He's loving, cares for me, does anything for me actually, except improve our sex life. 

I caught myself thinking that I don't wanna live like this forever and caught myself thinking of other guys. I don't know what to do. Please don't advice divorce out of the bat because I love him very much and the only issue is the sex. Divorcing is not a option right now. In the future, maybe, but not right now.

What do you think I should do? I am afraid of asking him for me to have sex with other guys and offend him. And I don't want to cheat on him because even though he sexually deserves being cheated on, he doesn't deserve being personally cheated on. I don't wanna hurt his feeling but I don't know for how long I can take this.

We also have a good relationship, we talk, laugh, hug, cuddle... So yeah, I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that you need to sit him down and tell him that you are deeply unhappy about this situation and that unless something changes you can't see the marriage lasting. Say that you are requesting marriage counselling at the very least to start with to begin changes. He needs to know how serious this is. 

OH and BTW are you sure that his sexual energies aren't all going onto masturbation to porn? Many men cant have or enjoy normal healthy sex if they do that.


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Nina0 said:


> So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.
> 
> He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal.
> 
> ...


You will only set your value to your husband to zero if you cheat.
He might be *asexual*.
*Google it!*

*"asexual individuals may still experience attraction 
but this attraction doesn't need to be realized in any sexual manner"*


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Nina0 said:


> So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.
> 
> He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal.
> 
> ...



Just like Diana7 said, I think it's time to switch the conversation from "Why?" to "This Needs to Change", and HOW.
Has he always been uninterested in sex, or did it just start?


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## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

If his testosterone levels are checked and he is not angry at you, there are only a few potential reasons:

-He is depressed. Depression kills male's libido. 

-He suffers from erectile dysfunction or other kinds of sexual dysfunction. He might avoid sex because of fear of failure. 

-He doesn't enjoy sex with you. Maybe he is a porn addict because he falls in some kind of fantasies. Or he doesn't see that you enjoying sex with him.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Do not have children with him until you have some clarity on the issue.

When you do actually have sex how is it? Is he fully engaged and makes sure you’re both “happy”?

Do you have toy? Does he know have/use them and what’s his reaction?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.


You need to revisit this conversation ASAP. The longer this goes on, you will grow resentful, and this will destroy your marriage if this issue is allowed to fester. You have to tell him that, point-blank. His refusal to acknowledge that there is a problem in your marriage is akin to him burying his head in the sand and hoping that this problem will go on its own, and that never works. You have been trying his way ("not needing any of that"), and it clearly is NOT working, and if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to work with you to fix this problem--he needs to be an active partner in this marriage. Even if he doesn't see this as a problem, if you see this as a problem, then it IS a problem. His refusal to acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't real, and if he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then he's not being a good partner to you and this may not be a marriage worth saving.

Sometimes, if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to risk losing it. 

ETA: If he still refuses to see a therapist, you should at least go to see one on your own. It will help you sort out your own feelings and figure out how you can move forward. With or without him.

But the question is, if he still refuses, are you really ok with living in a sexless marriage? It's once a month now, and if the two of you do nothing, it will become once every other month... and then once every sex months. Could you really be happy staying in a marriage like that?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I suffer with a similar situation, so I am just dropping in to say I empathize and how much it SUCKS. I am crazy in love with mine too....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> I suffer with a similar situation, so I am just dropping in to say I empathize and how much it SUCKS. I am crazy in love with mine too....


Me, too, on the empathy part. I was in a marriage like this, and it was incredibly painful, and caused a lot of emotional and psychological damage (to myself) that I had to clean up and repair (on my own) after we split... because my partner wasn't willing to do the work to fix the problem. Much like the OP's husband. It is a horrible situation to be in.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

As was I - for 20 years.

I can't imagine not thinking this is a very serious issue.




FeministInPink said:


> Me, too, on the empathy part. *I was in a marriage like this*, and it was incredibly painful, and caused a lot of emotional and psychological damage (to myself) that I had to clean up and repair (on my own) after we split... because my partner wasn't willing to do the work to fix the problem. Much like the OP's husband. It is a horrible situation to be in.


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## Nina0 (Mar 24, 2017)

Thank you all for the answers. They are helping me to get some sense out of this. Do you think I should show him this post? Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Nina0 said:


> Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.


Unless you change things nothing will ever change. 



FeministInPink said:


> Sometimes, if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to risk losing it.


It’s scary, but true. It’s a big risk, and you gotta mean it, but you’ll get the fight answer. BTDT.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Take a look at asexuality.org He may or may not be asexual but you will find a lot of input there.

For most people sex is extremely important in marriage. Its not some small thing to be ignored. 

You have my sympathy as well, I've been in a >30 year nearly sexless marriage. Others have as well. I think the key is to understand what is going on no, not just wait for it to get better - there is a good chance it will never get better by itself. 

Its almost certainly nothing to do with you, but something about him.

As others said, do not have children until you are sure you are happy this way. Far too often in this sort of situation there will be sex until the woman is pregnant, then almost never again.

feel free to PM me or others if you want.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If you gave him a book about it, would he read it? I thought “The 
Sex Starved Marriage” was good, but both people need to read it!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> If you gave him a book about it, would he read it? I thought “The
> 
> Sex Starved Marriage” was good, but both people need to read it!


I don't want to put words in the OP's mouth, but given his refusal to do anything else up to this point, I doubt he would read a book. But it's worth a shot.

Excellent book recommendation. I endorse.

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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

NorseViking said:


> You will only set your value to your husband to zero if you cheat.
> He might be *asexual*.
> *Google it!*
> 
> ...


I agree with this. Look up asexual on Wikipedia and go from there.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn. He is just not willing to tell you. Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.

You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, he is hiding his real life from you.

My first husband withheld sex because he had an STD he didn't want to give me. I had no idea, I just felt rejected.

My second husban withheld sex because he didn't want the emotional connection. He's working on that, but I don't trust or need him anymore after being held at arm's length for so many years.

Your husband is not asexual. He is hiding something from you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This is exactly how it was in my marriage! 

My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.

I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.




Adelais said:


> *He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn.* *He is just not willing to tell you.* Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.
> 
> You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, *he is hiding his real life from you.*
> 
> ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> This is exactly how it was in my marriage!
> 
> My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.
> 
> I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.


Just like my marriage, too.

OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.

And that's why he is refusing counseling, because he knows that counseling will unearth whatever that problem is.

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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Agreed. 

My ex-husband was very much like you've described yours in your opening post, and yet he was very passive aggressive. Once we were separated and divorced, he became much more openly aggressive.




FeministInPink said:


> OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. *We are examples that you can learn from.* It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What was your sex life with him like when you were dating?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The porn thing is coming up on a few post. I'm not commenting on any persons view point of porn but I'll just say that yes I watch porn but it has never changed my wanting of my wife.
With that in mind I would say it is possible that it is not a direct cause ..... but there are also others here who have had the opposite experience.

Yes I realize my above post helps none at all ..... just throwing it out there.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Talk, talk, talk. Won't get a thing. You married a dud in the sex department. That's not gonna Change.
Dump him or life with it. That's your options.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

My first thought: PORN.

https://dadstartingover.com/porn/

So many guys have a VERY real problem with pornography. The whole pleasure-seeking/sex wiring in the brain is short-circuited. The wife cannot compete with the super quick "Hunched in front of the computer for three minutes" type of drug that is pornography. For a lot of men, the whole mating game act of dating, real intimacy, foreplay, etc... it's just too much. They have one little bout of ED and they get scared off and go back to their reliable porn cave.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> My first thought: PORN.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You have a very good point.

However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.

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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> You have a very good point.
> 
> However, you should know that the mods here don't like self-promotion on the boards, and if you keep posting links to your own blog, you will be banned.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I'm a paying vendor.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@dadstartingover is a registered vendor with VS.





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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you 100% SURE he isnt cheating? Have you done the detective work to verify?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> I'm a paying vendor.





farsidejunky said:


> @dadstartingover is a registered vendor with VS


Ok, that's cool, then 

(And BTW, please don't take my post to be a comment in your content. Your content is good. I've read your stuff before.)

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

“Husband when I married you, I didn’t take a vow of celibacy. We can either start having sex, or I start having sex with someone else while we stay married and you’ll be ok with that, or I start having sex with someone else because we’ll be divorced. I want the first one, but if I don’t see consistent improvement, I’m picking one of the other two.”

Then let him pick. If he doesn’t, divorce. 

Don’t dance around this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Often you are right, but I wouldn't rule out that it is "just sex". Both for me and for some people on discussion groups, sex seems to be the only problem - there are some people who just have no interest. 

But you might be right. 




FeministInPink said:


> Just like my marriage, too.
> 
> OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.
> 
> ...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Often you are right, but I wouldn't rule out that it is "just sex". Both for me and for some people on discussion groups, sex seems to be the only problem - there are some people who just have no interest.
> 
> 
> 
> But you might be right.


Don't rule it out, then. But I'd still say that it being "just sex" as the issue is pretty unlikely.

Now, it might not necessarily be a problem in the marriage that is the cause, the cause could be a "him only" problem, like depression or something of that ilk. But that would still make it a marriage problem, because she is being directly affected, whatever it is.

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Nina0 said:


> Thank you all for the answers. They are helping me to get some sense out of this. Do you think I should show him this post? Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.


I see *you're* willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, *he's* not willing to do the same for you.

You've asked, you've begged, you've cried, you've pleaded with him, fought with him, tried to compromise with him...you've tried it all - and he still *DOES NOTHING *and refuses to try ANY of your suggestions. So the message he's clearly sending you is that he's not willing to try to fix what's broken even though he's ACUTELY aware of how *negatively* it's affecting you.

That's quite an imbalanced relationship you have there where _*you're*_ doing all the giving and sacrificing in order to stay with him at all costs while he CHOOSES not to do one damned thing to fix it.

Swords are over-rated.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I see *you're* willing to fall on the sword for him at all costs, but apparently, *he's* not willing to do the same for you.
> 
> You've asked, you've begged, you've cried, you've pleaded with him, fought with him, tried to compromise with him...you've tried it all - and he still *DOES NOTHING *and refuses to try ANY of your suggestions. So the message he's clearly sending you is that he's not willing to try to fix what's broken even though he's ACUTELY aware of how *negatively* it's affecting you.
> 
> ...


Preach, sister! Can I get an "Amen?"

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Some people just have no interest in sex. However that is something that should be revealed and discussed BEFORE marriage if that is the case.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Men who don't have sex with wives fall under just a few catagories. Stress, depression or just not attracted to their spouse just not a possibility that it could fall anywhere else. It's a no brainer if he's happy and content he has an attraction to spouse problem. If you are attractive willing to have sex with him and he refuse he has mental issues. Just can't see it being anything else that's just how us guys are wired.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Nina doesn't seem to be around anymore?

But just to add another option - control.
@She'sStillGotIt said it very well, and both her post and the original post match my ex-husband's behavior.

I can't say that he was conscious of his passive aggressive actions. I don't think his intentions were malicious. 

The bottom line was that the two of us were incapable of communicating about sex. And I didn't want to live my life that way.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Nina doesn't seem to be around anymore?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

And, FWIW, PA behavior is abusive behavior. I wasn't going to tolerate it.

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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Well, I definitely had my own bad behavior going on.

I don't know about you, but our relationship was the classic cycle - the polite, kind, non-responsive passive aggressive person, and the frustrated, angry spouse who keeps trying to pull something out of someone that they don't want to give. 

And I was angry - all the time. My chest hurt regularly, and I'm surprised that I didn't have a heart attack.

So, I can't just put the abusive label on him without taking responsiblity for my own rage.

Being autistic (low frustration threshold) AND having a recovering alcoholic for a dad (which primes a person to get involved with passive aggressive others), there were many days when I was not a pleasant person to be around.




FeministInPink said:


> I have to chime in and say that my experience was the same. I don't think he was aware of his PA behavior. And when I tried to communicate with him, he became very defensive and refused to communicate at all. I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.
> 
> And, FWIW, PA behavior is abusive behavior. I wasn't going to tolerate it.


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