# It Might Be the End - I Don't Know



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hello,

I'm a first time user. Obviously I'm here because of my current marriage situation. We aren't seperated but it could go that way. 
A little background. My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have a 6 year old son. So this is especially difficult. I've stayed a few nights at my parents house - I leave only after our son is asleep and we have told him that I had early meetings and would be gone before he woke up.

I love her dearly and him. Things were going well for a long time, but over the last year or so I've been letting fears about our future give me paralysis in life so to speak. This lead to my withdrawal around her, because I guess I felt unworthy of her in the sense that the business I started after getting married hasn't yet paid the dividends of what it will.

She tried to get me to open up about it but I just withdrew further and I guess I wished that it would blow over. How dumb is that? I've never been a great communicator to begin with -- didn't do those things in my house growing up. Also she is big into outdoor activities which I used to be, but every time she would say lets hike or something like that I would say I don't like to do that. The funny thing is that I used to love the outdoors -- practically lived in them as a kid. And I know that I didn't support her by not doing those things.

This has led to her unhappiness. And she finally told me that she would leave if things wouldn't change. She said the only reason she has stayed this long is our son. I finally opened up to her (a couple weeks later than she wanted) and have been trying to get myself happier in life. 

I obviously have acted, at least in her mind, like a wimp around her and believe she has lost her respect for me. She is not a forgiving person by nature. Her father's side of her family holds grudges, but that is a whole other thread. 

She works part time in the mornings and has gotten friendly with a guy who works there and I'm afraid she might be tempted or already has. When I opened up (not an argument just a conversation)  I asked her if she loved me and she said what did I say a couple weeks ago when we started talking about this. At that time she said she loved me. And she thinks it is patetic that I keep asking for the reassurrance that I need. The first time we started talking she asked if I had an affair - I believe that is what she thinks put me in my withdrawal, and I told her the truth that I didn't. So I asked her if she loved someone else or had an affair. At that point she said no and the conversation ended.

That was this past Sunday and I've stayed at my parents at night since with me coming back on Friday night for the weekend.

I'm freaking out about this other guy which makes me so worried that maybe she has already moved on. I note, this is her second marriage and my first. She actually said during our last conversation that I was acting like her first husband in his reactions - meaning pathetic.

I realize that to make her happy I've got to be more happy around her. I know she needs some space to think since me being there in the evenings doesn't allow that to happen. I'm scared.

I believe this will work out and makes us stronger, but who knows. I know no matter what I do have find my happiness and do things for me -- it seems selfish to me but I realize now it isn't.

Just looking for advice and counsel.

Feelingalone


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First off, this is salvageable and you have already started your path to recovery. The two of you just need to synch up again. Two questions.

What makes you think she has something going on with TOM? (or may want to)
Valid evidence or paranoia

What were the reasons for separating during the evenings?


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Sorry you're going through this. Have you considered counselling? It seem to me that you guys may be a good candidate for it.

Is she using the word "pathetic", or are you? That is a very hateful/hurtful word - and one, I believe should never be used in a marriage. It's usually an indication that one party is not "being there" for the other, or one party truly is being too down.

I would try to get to the bottom of the thing with the guy at work and, if there is nothing going on, go all out to work on this. You obviously could do with changing some things about yourself (couldn't we all).

Talk to her about counselling. Good luck.


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## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Sorry to hear the pain Feelingalone. If she hasn't already she is moving towards this other guy. It's a no brainer. Not to put you on the defensive but it's just the way it is. She may have already made her mind up about leaving you or not being in love with you already. 

I would probably not stay at your parents house at this point and try and work through this with her before she leaves or you leave. The space thing is that she has someone else in mind if she hasn't already done it. She is wanting to test the waters.

My wife is now with the other guy that she denied the entire time. Kept hearing the I love you's and the baby as she was moving her stuff out and asking for more money to help out. She was always seeing this guy and just stringing me along.

You should probably act now but it may already be too late in her mind. It sounds like it may be. 

I really hate to be the first to say this to you and I'm sure it's so painful for you to hear but it's happening right under your eyes.

I'm in the deep pain now of realizing my wife was leaving me mentally right in front of my eyes and then physically leave me and then end up with the OM. 

Text book man, text book.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback so far. I'm not giving up on my marriage. But I know I must be happy too. I used the word pathetic, she did not.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> Thanks for the feedback so far. I'm not giving up on my marriage. But I know I must be happy too. *I used the word pathetic, she did not.*


Well, that's good - although you implied it earlier when mentioning the part about being like her first husband.

However, I see hope here. Make sure this other guy is nothing, and then pull out all the stops. Good luck.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

But how do I find out without looking desperate?


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Honestly. You need to stop worrying about looking desperate.
Looking out for your relationship isn't being desperate, pathetic, or anything else other than displaying a commitment and interest in maintaining the health of your marriage.

I'm a fine one to say this, but stand up for yourself, throw some weight about and start demanding some of YOUR rights.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I know Saxonman you are right. Thanks for the input again.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Well today is another day and the sun is bright outside today. Saxonman I wanted your thoughts on taking her out to dinner on Saturday night? I know you are right about pulling out the stops. I think that is the real issue the loss of intimacy she feels and I need to get that back with her. She was always the planner and I need to improve in that area. I'm taking my little guy hiking in the morning and have invited her but made sure she didn't feel pressured to come. I've got child care taking care of for Saturday night to be able to take her out. Now I have to ask her out for dinner. Your thoughts on this?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Make the changes you think you need to make in order to improve the situation with her but make sure you can live with them. You have to commit for the long term. Making changes and improving yourself is fine but don’t lose yourself in all of this you you’ll end up failing or resenting her. Be supportive towards her needs but don’t dote or overwhelm her. It could push her further away. What do you mean by her wanting you to improve intimacy? Sexual, cuddles, hugs, conversation, quality time together…?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Amp

That is my concern about doing this - don't want to overwhelm her. Trying to balance this one step at a time. As I told you I withdrew from her subconsciously - you know sat at the other end of the couch, etc. She never said improve intimacy but that is crux of it. And all of the above you mentioned. I've been so focused on my fears and putting my son above all else I've lost myself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Have the two of you really sat down and discussed what you want in the marriage? What is important to each of you? Seems to me you may not have a clear understanding of what she wants, or for yourself. Broken record here, read The Five Languages of Love. Both of you.

As far as overwhelming her, just take it slow and keep the communications lines open.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Amp,

I ordered a copy of the book yesterday. Hoping to get it soon. Yes we have sat down and talked about and now that I'm in a better place to deal emotionally about it, the talks will be better going forward.

After our talk this past Sunday, I have felt better. Just have those moments of trepidation about it all.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

FeelingAlone: Amplexor makes some good points. I think you need to try to discuss what you both need before you make assumptions.

I feel you still need to find out - and put your mind at rest - about this guy at work. Not sure what order is best to do this, but find out about him, get to the bottom of what she really wants.

Good luck. Keep us posted.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

For Sinatra,

Just for clarification about this other guy, he is married with three kids, who are in their teens.

I don't know what state you live in, but there is a divorce due to this other guy make sure your attorney looks into the alienation of affection statues in your state - which can ruin the other guy.

My friends mother used it here where I live and she got dough out of him.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Gee, what to do. This site has helped open my eyes to how much of an idiot I have been with my wife with such anxiety paralyzing me. The person I should have been confiding in the most about my fears, was the last person I wanted to burden, but the person I should have been. 

I asked her out for the date this Saturday as I mentioned earlier today. Her comment was "I made plans with a girlfriend" already. I played it calm and collected and didn't say anything at the time about my disappointment. Since she hadn't told me about this it was quite a disappointment, but I took a pause. 

The thing that gets me is that she assumed I would be okay with that -- me staying with our son while she went out. I just called her a while ago to say that I'm not her babysitter and that this pissed me off. I stood firm. Of course she threw some stuff back at me, but I agree that she has been looking for a response from me good, bad or otherwise. I told her I'm not going anywhere and I'm setting about to change my ways for me -- to help our relationship. Of course she said that this was after many chances previously to right the ship. She is having no empathy -- a good post that a read on another thread and am practicing for me, for us, and for all relationships. She did say that I'm not a babysitter but his father, but I said assuming that I'd be okay with this was not about being his father. I am his father but won't be doormat.

Man was I angry, but I didn't display any. Stayed pretty calm and just said I am trying to change but it takes time. Only action speaks.

Any thoughts?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Things are looking up. I'm back staying at the house. My wife finally spoke to her mother about the situation. Up until now that did not occur. Friday evening we went out to dinner and I tried to talk to her, and we did a little. She did say she talked to her mom and that I could talk to her mother if I wanted to. She went to bed early that night to get up really early to do something in the morning. 

After she went to sleep, I did talk with her mom. I was scared about what she was going to say, and I started with a good joke that her mother laughed about. Basically her mom said that my wife loved me dearly and wanted to work through this. And I said why doesn't she just say that to me, but who knows. I told her my concerns about things -- my wife allowing me to improve by doing things she liked that I previously said I didn't. And I told her about what I was doing to improve myself and understanding.

Saturday morning while my wife was away I finally got my copy of The Five Love Languages. I managed to read most of it Saturday. Wow, what a book. I had never thought about things that way. It seems like common sense after you read it, but then all truly amazing things do after someone else shows you.

To Saxonman's points in PMs, after reading I realized that you are right and that it does take a change from both sides. I just didn't realize that most of my withdrawal was due to not feeling love from her because we do speak different languages. I know that now and feel so much better. To your other points, my conversation with her mom also lied to rest completely my worries and concerns about this other guy or any other potential guy. She never lies to her mom about stuff like that and her mom assured me that wasn't the case. The joke was kind of based around that -- an inside thing between her mom and her that both have shared with me over time.

So I'm feeling better. I know I've got a lot of work to do to adopt a second and third language for her. But she will have work to do as well.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I can't stand the ups and downs in emotions I feel. At times I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and then click I feel like an avalanche sealed the tunnel off.

My wife wants to punish me that is for sure. I know I'm getting to her by things others tell me, but it sure would be nice to see a crack by her when I'm around. I just keep plugging away. Some day it will be over.

I just need to vent sometimes.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Just and update. Things are progressing between the wife and me. Slowly but surely. It does get frustrating at times. The ice is slowly melting. I am putting to use the things I have learned about myself and her regarding the love languages. 

I don't think she has read the book, I've left it on the table for her to see and don't know if she has picked it up or read any of it. 

As I said, though, things seem to be getting better although at a slow pace. My friends and family have been very supportive after I finally reached out to them a while back.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I am glad to hear things are getting better, but have you actually asked her to read the book? Try that, you may get an unexpected response.

It will be a slow ride, but you can get there. The fact that she wants to work at it, is a plus for you(and her both).

Why don't you try to express your feelings of fear to her. Have you ever done that? Do you think you have it in you to do that? Men are often afraid of exposing that they have a fear about anything...don't be afraid of that. If you share that with her, you will more than likely be surprised at the outcome.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sprite,

I have tried to express my fears to her. It seems she is so angry at me that I had to be threatened with seperation to finally start doing things, that it seems to fall on deaf ears. Her response is to stop being scared and start living life since you could be dead anytime. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sprite,

I did aske her to read the book by the way. Then left it out for a week and a half where she could see it.

I am trying to express myself to her but I don't how to get talking sometimes given her anger. I don't want to get angry at her, but I'm not always good at just taking it, it can boil up and then I'll say something flippant (not yelling but flippant) which then she will throw back at me later. She takes things so literally or so out of context sometimes that it frustrates me. Any suggestions would be most welcome. I'm working on my listening skills and it is slowly helping, but again anything else would be appreciated.


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