# I feel like the only one: husband denies sex



## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

I am 33 and have been married for 13 years with three kids: 6, 6, and 12. 

My husband only wants to cuddle and never wants sex. You 
might be thinking that I am overweight or not attractive but its not the case. 

There is a lot to say but this post is about how it feels to be a woman 

who is denied sex. 

It hurts a lot and I am wondering if there are other women out their like me who could share their stories so I don't feel like such a reject.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Cruelty and selfishness know no gender. Lots of women share your frustration.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

(((HUGS))))

Im not one of them but I have met MANY women like you ..Some I have gotten really close to..Doesnt help the "streotype' is men cant get enough...So of course you blame your self..

Men who deny sex most do NOT come forward and admit it..so most of what you see is men complaining about the wife or women admitting they have a disinterest..

There is a book called the Sex Starved Wife"..that might be a place to start to realize you arent alone ...

I was so ignorant the first tiem I heard a woman say her husband "wouldnt have sex with her" ..I immediately had the answer.."hes gay" ..that was the ONLY possiblility..(not even shes overweight or unnatractive ..he woudl HAVE to be a homosexaul of COURSE...guys wont even TURN down sex even if hes NOT attracted)..thats how bad I was from ignorance..

Try the Sex Starved Wife..its a counter to the sex Starved Husband" you are far from alone..

((((HUGS)))


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> (((HUGS))))
> 
> Im not one of them but I have met MANY women like you ..Some I have gotten really close to..Doesnt help the "streotype' is men cant get enough...So of course you blame your self..
> 
> ...


Great book....highly recommend it.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm a guy but can tell you that you are far from alone. I've known multiple women who are married to men who can't keep up. 

You'll find plenty of company on this forum. The only people we don't get here are men like your husband.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

yep, that was me for about 10 years. I finally freaked out on my H and instituted drastic changes. He got checked out and found out he has low T and is getting injections now. Boy, has that helped. yes, I still get rejected every now and then, but I really try not to let it get to me. He has seen such a huge change in our relationship that he sees it worth the change and energy.

It took a leap of faith on my part and lots of "going for it" attitude. It always hasn't been easy, but well worth it.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I'm denied it and when we try he can't perform. He blames it on meds. I blame it on him being disgusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedinct46 (Aug 25, 2012)

im in your same situation except 24 and no kids - my husband denies me constantly and even told me he thinks of other women when he gets aroused. hes always too tired, too busy, too stressed, etc. 

I know exactly how you feel - unwanted, gross - and I find myself yearning for ex boyfriends who I had normal sex lives with...

I'm sorry we are in this situation and wish I had advice.


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your kind replies, i just needed to reach out and not feel so abnormal for once. 

thankyou!


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## pheobe (Sep 4, 2012)

You are certainly not alone... My husband has given me many excuses over the past year or so. One common excuse is he's tired, he get's up at 4am to go to the gym before work, then works a long, physically challenging day. He claims he goes to the gym to look good for me, do you see the catch 22? Another common excuse is he's stressed... I don't know about you, but a good romp and orgasm, and I find myself a lot less stressed... men and women are different, I understand that... but when we began dating, we were broke, with a baby, he soon lost his father, then his job... and during all of this, our sex life remained in tact. I also gained a lot of weight, but still, we always had sex. I've since lost the weight, and weigh less now than I did when we first met... but no sex. Next excuse, and this is like the nail in our sex life's coffin. He has difficulty reaching orgasm with just vaginal sex. It typically takes oral sex, and him ultimately "finishing" himself off, but we do it as a team, and it's always been this way. This is not a new condition, he says he's always been like this, and I know he has been this way since we met. In any case, he claims that it's because it takes so much effort to reach orgasm, why would he want sex? Does that mean that at age 28, I'm in for a life with no sex? I didn't sign up for that. 

When we first began dating, the people who lived in the apartment beneath us actually moved to a different location in the building, because we were so loud and frequent in the bedroom. I know that in any relationship, at first it's frequent and it will fizzle a bit, but completely? I'm a very sexual and affectionate person. I've tried explaining to my husband that it's not just the sex, it's the intimacy of kissing, touching, everything. When we do have sex, it's like a race... there's no tender touch, no warming up or four play, just quick and to the point... 

He's told me, you can have it whenever you want it, just "hop on" ... charming, isn't he? After being denied time after time, I don't think I can take any more rejection, and no longer initiate. I cry everyday... I know he isn't having an affair, but in some ways, I almost wish he were, it would explain his lack of interest in me. The only sexual need he has for me is oral sex. He returns the favor, sometimes... but again, it's quick and to the point, there's no love behind it. 

He's mentioned I don't make myself up like I used to... so for months straight, I made an effort to put on make up and fix my hair, and change out of my house cleaning clothes before he got home from work... he never noticed. I know he likes sculptured nails, with a French manicure, so I got those, he didn't notice. We were looking for some adult movies to watch, I asked him what category he'd like (bondage, blowjob, etc) he said brunette. I was a blonde, now I'm a brunette. Still... nothing. I've bought lingerie, I've lost weight... I offer massages to him, with the intent to give him an erotic massage... he says he'd too tired. WHO'S TOO TIRED TO GET A MASSAGE!?! 

I feel lost and alone, he used to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, I couldn't feel less attractive than I do now... 

Did I mention we went on our belated honeymoon? We had drunken sex our first night, and nothing for the rest of the week... NOTHING. We slept on opposite sides of the King bed, where I cried myself to sleep every night.

Just last weekend my parents took our 4 year old for the whole weekend, we referred to it as "our date weekend". No sex. Nothing. We went out to dinner the first night, then retired home to our separate parts of the house. The rest of the weekend was pretty much the same. 

I guess what I'm saying, is you aren't alone... unfortunately there are just as many women who are feeling rejected by their spouses as men. I think women just tend not to talk about it as much... There's certainly a double standard here. If a wife has no interest in sex, she's a prude, if a husband has no interest in sex, it's because his wife if fat or ugly. Either way, women get a bad rep, and it isn't fair. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly. And even if I were, he married me! I'm getting off track here... just know you aren't alone, you have a friend in me to commiserate with.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> He blames it on meds. I blame it on him being disgusted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you mean as in he isn't attracted to you anymore? or disgusted with himself?

i've been in the latter catergory before, had a beautiful ex-gf and didn't want to have sex because I thought she'd not like me without my clothes on


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Minuit,

Keep reading and you'll find that there are plenty of cases like this on this board.

You're not alone and many know the feelings you are experiencing along with the self dobt and loathing!


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

Minuit à Paris said:


> I am 33 and have been married for 13 years with three kids: 6, 6, and 12.
> 
> My husband only wants to cuddle and never wants sex. You
> might be thinking that I am overweight or not attractive but its not the case.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't know what's worse - cuddling and no sex OR being treated like a sibling. I get a peck on the cheek before or after he leaves for work but that is the extent of his affection. I can put on a tight little mini dress and he'll say "very nice'" or "looks good" He is really a good man but shows love by helping me where needed around the house or whatever I ask. (besides this area!) We have four kids in grade school.

I totally know how you feel- such a reject. My hormones now in late 30's are sky high and have think about using a vibrator but seriously I work so stinkin hard to look great and I have to use a vibrator? Sad. (please- no offense to anyone else who uses vibrators- just makes me feel so unwanted by the man who knows me best)

Sometimes I think I should not be reading these message boards cause it's sooo hard to hear from all the loving husbands out there. 

P.s. this morning at healthclub I saw an infomercial for Androzine. (I think that is the name) It sounded just what our husbands need for more blood flow down there and better performance so I will def be looking into that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> I'm a guy but can tell you that you are far from alone. I've known multiple women who are married to men who can't keep up.


It sounds like it's not that he can't keep up it is that he doesn't want to keep up. There are lots of reasons a man doesn't sexually desire his wife and you need to go down the list to find out why.
Start with porn and go from there.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mr B said:


> It sounds like it's not that he can't keep up it is that he doesn't want to keep up. There are lots of reasons a man doesn't sexually desire his wife and you need to go down the list to find out why.
> Start with porn and go from there.


I think it can be many reasons, but as you state a lot of it is not wanting too.

I've never seen one come here so we can't ask any here. 

The only guys I've known in person are very defensive and don't want to talk about it.

I just can't relate myself.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Wish I could offer advice... 
But I know you aren't alone. I know two women in nearly sexless marriages. They get a ton of excuses, but have no idea really 'why'.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

hotdogs said:


> I'm denied it and when we try he can't perform. He blames it on meds. I blame it on him being disgusted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It could actually be meds.

My husband has suffered a TBI and a stroke and takes upwards of 16 medications per day. All with lots of interactions and side effects.

Put on top of that some loss of sensation due to the stroke and YEP - we have sexual problems--frequent ED which has really messed with his head and caused him to pull away from me for fear of performance failure and depression because "it" doesn't work like it used to and he never expected "it" to not work.

So please do check out the medication issue, it can cause a lot of problems for men and performance depending on what the meds are for (anti-depressant meds are a biggee here).

Just an FYI--I feel for you, I'm in the same boat and while I know it's not his fault, that doesn't make it easier to deal with or accept.


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you all again for you wonderful, heartfelt replies. 

One of the reason my husband says he doesn't want to make love is when the kids are in the house. 

When I remind him that I want to make love he makes an effort and comes home from work early when the kids are at school. 

But so quickly it falls back to the wayside. I am lucky enough to know my husband adores me, which is why I have accepted this situation for so long, but I so wish to explore my own sexuality with him and i never feel the confidance to do that when I have to kept reminding him to go through the basics. 

Thankyou for all your support


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

larry.gray said:


> I think it can be many reasons, but as you state a lot of it is not wanting too.
> 
> I've never seen one come here so we can't ask any here.
> 
> ...


I can tell you that I've been in both positions - the starver and the starvee. I suppose I'm in a unique position to understand both sides of the coin, although the reasoning is probably very specific, I hope I can offer some advice. [You can see my very very old posts for more insight into my "starvee" phase.]

For the OP - I know how you feel, and believe me, as men we feel the exact same things as you do when our spouses constantly deny us. Hurt, ashamed, unattractive, ugly. That was the biggest thing for me - I felt like she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She would always deny that that was the reason, but somehow deep down I felt like that was it. At the peak, I'd say I would try to initiate 4-5 times per week, and go 1-2 months without success. When I brought it up, she would tell me it was my problem, and I had to deal with it.

So eventually I lost interest and stopped asking. I found other things to do instead to keep my mind off of sex. I got used to the fact that I might never have sex with my wife again. I tried to twist things around in my mind that made sex less interesting. I told myself that it was boring, we always did it in the same position, she doesn't enjoy it. So much so that I actually did really lose interest in it. Mind you, I did this as a coping mechanism to deal with my wife's apparent low sex drive.

Strangely, it worked too well - I ended up with a MUCH lower sex drive than even her. The roles were reversed - she would try to initiate every few weeks, and sometimes more than a month. But I would deny her - i always had a reason. I had work to do, I was tired, I wasn't feeling well. She started asking a little more often, but not much more than before, but when she was denied she started to get angry. She would nitpick more. She got snarky. Hilariously [in hindsight] she brought it up to me, wondering what was wrong, why I wasn't interested. I found it funny because these were the same things I brought up months earlier and was told flat out that "it's not a big deal" and it's "my problem."

Fast forward to today - we are having sex probably 6-8 times per week. She suddenly can't get enough. I'll probably post another thread about it, but in short she recently got hired at a firm where there are a lot of alpha male personalities and apparently from her perspective, these guys take every opportunity to glance or stare at her. I think her very sudden interest in sex might be related to the fact that this is making her feel a lot more sexy and attractive (something I admittedly wasn't doing).

Hopefully my post wasn't a total bore, but I can think of a few reasons why I (and maybe your guy) aren't interested in sex:

1. Medical reason (Low testosterone, other medication reducing his libido or performance ability). This is probably the easiest to fix, but may be the hardest to get him to admit or seek help.

2. He's gay. Probably not likely, but possible.

3. He's just not into you. It's difficult to want to have sex with someone when you're not attracted to them. Harsh, but I've seen this happen many times.

4. He's having an affair; either a real affair, or he's "replaced" you with something else (porn, etc.)

5. Not interested in sex at all. This is usually due to low testosterone, but sometimes it can just be that he's not interested at all.

6. Stress. It sounds like an excuse, but I know from experience that when you're stressed (either at work or at home, it could be either) you don't want to have sex. For me it was stress at home - feeling under-appreciated, controlled, nagged, all of those things can do it. I once posited that at least two thirds of the sentences spoken to me by my wife were either commands or complaints. I actually counted one day to make sure I wasn't just being nitpicky. To put it bluntly, that made her less attractive to me.

Please let me know if I can be of any assistance, I know how painful it is to go through this.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Seppuku said:


> I can tell you that I've been in both positions - the starver and the starvee. I suppose I'm in a unique position to understand both sides of the coin, although the reasoning is probably very specific, I hope I can offer some advice. [You can see my very very old posts for more insight into my "starvee" phase.]
> 
> For the OP - I know how you feel, and believe me, as men we feel the exact same things as you do when our spouses constantly deny us. Hurt, ashamed, unattractive, ugly. That was the biggest thing for me - I felt like she wasn't attracted to me anymore. She would always deny that that was the reason, but somehow deep down I felt like that was it. At the peak, I'd say I would try to initiate 4-5 times per week, and go 1-2 months without success. When I brought it up, she would tell me it was my problem, and I had to deal with it.
> 
> ...


WOW - a man that gave us perspective from the other side of the coin as the starver--first time I've seen this here--appreciate it.

I think I can relate as I believe my husband, while medical issues are a big part of our reasons, it might also be that he is made or resentful about past hurts and this is his way of "punishing me." 

But I don't know how to get past that--I really can't--that's something he alone has to deal with, but how can I help him to do that? There are only so many sorry's or changes I can make. I think this is a big part of our problem too. 

He has sort of re-written history if you know what I mean. He had a stroke in 1998 which caused initial ED issues. Everytime I approached him I was rejected, over and over and over and he wouldn't talk about it so I finally gave up and quit asking--he didn't ask either so it ended up a stalemate. 

Then I try to re-ignite things and he begins rejecting me again, this time it's the TBI and the stroke in 2008, things don't work right, meds, etc. And he says, well you rejected me all of those years so I lost interest (WHAT--I wasn't the one doing the rejecting--truly I wasn't--I have NEVER said NO in almost 29 years of marriage--he has completely turned this around and I can't figure out why unless it's just another excuse he can use). 

While most of his issues are valid and real (the health and med ones), I just have the feeling that some of it is anger and resentment over past issues that he can't seem to get past.

How do I help him get past these or is there nothing I can do?


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> While most of his issues are valid and real (the health and med ones), I just have the feeling that some of it is anger and resentment over past issues that he can't seem to get past.
> 
> How do I help him get past these or is there nothing I can do?


In my case it wasn't about punishing my wife or getting back at her for anything; having sex with her just stopped being appealing, and for a number of reasons.

Strangely, I would masturbate very often, and always while fantasizing about my wife. Sometimes I'd be in the mood, about to take care of myself, and actually thought about initiating. Then she would do or say something, something very minor, that would bring all of those other feels rushing right back in my head and turn me off completely.

I am not a therapist or anything, but it sounds like he might be partially telling the truth, and partially ashamed or afraid that he can't perform. Being ready, willing, but not able is quite embarrassing to a guy, even if he's been married to you for 100 years.

Speaking to a counselor might help. Also, maybe offer to give him a blowjob without any expectation of sex and see if he is receptive. He may push back, but tell him you just want to do that for him, you want to make him happy, make him feel good. Maybe he just needs to know that the juices still flow down there.

It may take a few tries but trying is better than not trying, I think. He might surprise you and initiate before long.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> I think it can be many reasons, but as you state a lot of it is not wanting too.
> 
> I've never seen one come here so we can't ask any here.
> 
> ...


Sure they're here. But as in most of these sex and marriage discussion groups they are a minority. I myself have been here since this group started and have written hundreds of posts. You just need to read more posts in more threads.


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