# On the verge of divorce - Need advice



## Rainboww (Aug 9, 2019)

Hello everyone,

I’m looking for some guidance as I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now but things have been shaky from the start. 

When I first got married and was pregnant, I found a text saying "hey babe" from a local escort on my husband's phone. He denied knowing anything about it. 2 months later, I went through his phone bills and saw that he was calling and texting many local escorts. I left him and when confronted about it, he denied ever meeting any of them in person and that he and his friends would call them to prank them. Although many times he was alone from what I saw on his phone bills. 

He apologized like crazy and kept insisting he's never met anyone in person and that they were simply pranks etc. I know it may sound like a lie but when he explains how he and his friends would prank them, it sounds believable at the moment and I start to doubt myself. But as soon as I am alone and think about it, I start to think he is lying about it. Why are the escorts always local if they were just pranks? Why would you prank them even when you’re alone? Anyway, I went back to him because I was pregnant and then immediately got pregnant with my second. I never had time to check his phone bills the following 2 years after that while caring for 2 babies. However, I never really suspected anything and really thought he’d be dumb to call them again after the whole drama that had happened before.

However, we were recently on a family trip in Turkey and I saw him searching for local escorts on his phone (guess he forgot to delete it from his history) and I went hysterical on him again but he is begging and apologizing again and saying he only checked out of curiosity to know what kind of women his uncle meets with (his uncle lives in Europe and frequently travels to Turkey). He keeps insisting that the search was merely out of curiosity etc and that he would never cheat on me and never has. Again, he sounds believable and I doubt myself again thinking ok he did it out of curiosity but then think he is lying when I keep thinking about it while alone. I left him regardless because he had a history with calling them so I felt very uneasy that he looked them up in Turkey. We have 2 young boys and I'm feeling very anxious about being a single mom. 

I’m currently staying with my mom and he keeps apologizing everyday. He’s bringing me jewelry and flowers to apologize but I’m not listening to him. He’s crying, texting and calling non stop and not eating. Last time I saw him, he was thin as a stick and he’s begging for us to go to couples therapy. I feel horrible for making a person go through this pain and suffering. I’m too weak hearted to see anyone suffer in general. I feel terrible and want to go back but I’m scared this pattern will repeat itself.

Besides that issue, he has gotten physically abusive with me maybe 3 times over the past 4 years when we fight and yells at our boys when they cry a lot. And I went through hell while I was learning to cook as I would do quite a bit of mistakes and it would get him very upset when I did. He also does nothing to help with the kids and even when I am sick, he will do nothing to help. Actually whenever I am sick and ask for his help to take care of the babies so I can rest, he gets upset at me for even asking. He goes out very often but I know where he is when he does go out, with his brother and some other friends.

However, on a normal day, he is generally very sweet with me and nice when he's not in his angry mood. I miss those good days and I'm just terrified of making a big mistake. I’m scared my 2 boys will resent me for breaking the family when they are older. I’m scared of being a single mom and I feel horrible that my husband is hurting so much at the moment.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

You need to find an attorney and a therapist. The attorney can let you know about what to expect if you do get divorced. Your therapist can help you sort through your feelings.

I know it is hard with kids but there are too many red flags. If he is physically abusive, that is a deal-breaker. You need to protect yourself and your children.

Hugs.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

20yr said:


> You need to find an attorney and a therapist. The attorney can let you know about what to expect if you do get divorced. Your therapist can help you sort through your feelings.
> 
> I know it is hard with kids but there are too many red flags. If he is physically abusive, that is a deal-breaker. You need to protect yourself and your children.
> 
> Hugs.


Even more than this, above, which is great...

He is a liar, he has severe issues and you don't want to know what they are. You need to get out now and stay out. 

The reason that you need a therapist is that it is unhealthy to even think that it is OK to stay in a relationship like this. FYI, it is not.

Get out, divorce and move on...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

He's a cake eater, and likes both worlds, and he's not conflicted he just wants it all. If you do give him a gift of marriage counselor, put the hard line down no more escorts viewing. Or anything similar, he needs to do all the heavy lifting and if he fails end it. He sounds like a momma's boy, and pushes the edge to get what he wants. 

And being in a different country your religion should not be a basis for hanging in there. And the abuse is stopped, any further occurrences, it ends. He must give you time for yourself, and pay for a weekend at the spa, and he watches the kids and not his family or friends. You need to have him prove he's the real deal or h s out.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Personally I'd be more worried about the physical abuse. It is possible (though unlikely) that he looks up escort adds just as a sort of fantasy (though the phone message left for him argues against that), but you *know* without any doubt at all that he physically abused you. That seems sufficient reason for divorce.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Don't believe that he isn't seeing escorts. When he denies actually meeting escorts tell him that you judge him by his actions, not his words. No grown man "pranks" escorts or repeatedly searchers for them' even while traveling with his family and doesn't follow through at times. Say this every time he denies the reality of his actions.

Stop having sex with him because he is going to give you an STD if he hasn't already. Get tested for STDs.

His being abusive to your children is another reason to divorce him.

Glad that you found this site.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

He's crying because he wants his cook and house maid back. I'm being serious.

He yelled at you for your cooking when you were just learning?? He was upset that you dared to ask him for help? Who does he think he is? The king of Saudi Arabia? And what are you, his servant?

In a loving marriage both parties do whatever is needed. His view of marriage is that you are his maid and child maker and he does whatever he wants.

He isn't marriage material. Flowers and jewelry are no substitute for helping cook meals, pitching in with the children and household chores or FIDELITY. 

You're worth more than flowers and jewelry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stay the course! Also lose the guilt, HE is the one who has destroyed your marriage, not you. He has shown you who he really is, so please believe him. For him to go looking for escorts while on a trip out of the country shows a real problem, and you would be wise to not fall for any tears and stories.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Don't have sex with him even if you get back together until both of you have STD tests that are negative. Make the STD tests a requirement, regardless of what he says.

Looking for escorts is not a harmless curiosity. He has been actively using escorts, and you are not stupid. In your gut, you know it.

Like @SecondWind said, tell him that from now on, his words mean nothing, because from now (and forever) you are making all your decisions regarding your future with him based on his *actions* not his words. Keep repeating that every time he promises that he has been faithful.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Rainboww, what he is doing is called love bombing. Every time he is sweet to you after abusing you, fighting with you, or getting caught cheating on you, he love bombs you. If he was abusive and cheating 24/7, of course you would never stay so every time there's trouble, he has to do more and more to get you to come back. But that doesn't mean he will ever change. In fact, he almost certainly will not change even with MC. He needs IC, to be tested for sex addiction, anger management preferably with a therapist who specializes with abusive men, possibly a support group too, etc. AND EVEN THEN he will probably do one or more of those terrible things again. The chances of him being better are almost 0%. 

If you are already out and trying to stay out, DON'T GO BACK. Detach from him. Divorce him. If he gets serious help and has at least a year or more of individual therapy under his belt, THEN think about letting him back into your life with the understanding that ONE more infraction of any kind means you are gone forever. But whatever you do, don't go back based on tears and broken promises. Don't even go back for MC because your marriage is not the problem. HE is the problem.


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Ah, physical abuse and cheating. Those are the two things where divorce is permitted and he has done both. I'm sorry for your circumstance, but if there was a reason to forgive it would reveal itself in a powerful way and I think you are smart to keep your distance.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

waynejoey said:


> Ah, physical abuse and cheating. Those are the two things where divorce is permitted and he has done both. I'm sorry for your circumstance, but if there was a reason to forgive it would reveal itself in a powerful way and I think you are smart to keep your distance.


"Permitted"?? Really?? She can get a divorce for any damn reason she sees fit! Judgmental much??


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> "Permitted"?? Really?? She can get a divorce for any damn reason she sees fit! Judgmental much??


Yea permitted. Your definition of marriage is that you get married so the other person can fulfill you. Then you can divorce "for any reason" once that person isn't fulfilling your needs.

Give me a break. This self-centered way of living life just doesn't work. You commit to the marriage unless the other person is beating you, cheating without stopping, or just flat out disappears.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Removed, I was thread jacking, never mind!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Hey @Rainboww

How are you doing?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

your husband believes that as the man he is entitled to chase other women while you remain faithful, forebearing and tolerant of his behaviour and abuse.

Physical abuse always escalates. Abusers always apologize. 

The question is, will your children blame you for breaking their family? or will they blame you for keeping them in a frightening situation? will they blame you when they can't form healthy relationships with women because all they saw was their dad behaving like he was single and then hitting you and blaming you for being human.

Please get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STD)
Your husband is playing you for a fool. This will not get better.

Please consider getting a lawyer.

You are staying with your mom. What does she have to say about this? What kind of marriage did she have?


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## Rainboww (Aug 9, 2019)

Hey @Adelais ,

Not that well, I honestly need to go to therapy to help sort through my feelings of guilt and understand what kind of marriage I’ve been in the past 4 years. I’m going to start looking for one in the morning.
To update you, we are still separated but he is visiting the kids often. He has hope that we are getting back together because he is going to therapy.


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## Rainboww (Aug 9, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> your husband believes that as the man he is entitled to chase other women while you remain faithful, forebearing and tolerant of his behaviour and abuse.
> 
> Physical abuse always escalates. Abusers always apologize.
> 
> ...


I’m going to start getting in touch with a social worker, therapist and lawyer tomorrow. I haven’t done so yet because I was just so overwhelmed by everything going on.

My mother thinks I should get a divorce because she’s hated him from day 1, way before he did anything horrible to me but she hates a lot of people. She thinks everyone is “jealous” of her so her opinion never really carried any weight with me.

Believe it or not, my parents marriage was horrible but my mom was the abusive one. She would yell and throw plates and hot tea at my dad. She had this belief that my dad was hiding millions from her which in fact, he was not. It was terrible witnessing their fights as a kid and teenager. They eventually got divorced against my dad’s will and he passed away a few years later. This was extremely hard to accept because he was such a gentle soul and extremely loving and caring.

My parents experience really taught me that victims of domestic violence aren’t always women. Growing up, I always told myself that I’m a nice person and would never treat my husband the way my mom treated my dad and therefore I would never get a divorce. And here I am, about to get one. 

Anyway, I was staying with her because I had no where else to go. Both my sisters are married with kids and I haven’t worked since giving birth to my eldest son so I’m broke at the moment but it won’t always be this way. Once I get my kids in daycare and start working I should be fine. 

I left my mom’s and came back to our apartment because he accepted to move back into his parents basement. My mom was not happy that I left her place so I told her she can spend some nights at my apartment if she wanted to make sure that my husband wouldn’t try to bother me and the kids. She stayed with me for a few days but was secretly taking my things back to her place. My winter jacket, kids clothes, their toys and my pots & pans. I told her she was not welcome here anymore if she keeps taking my belongings without my permission. It was not even pleasant being around her as she would constantly yell/cry infront of my kids.


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## Rainboww (Aug 9, 2019)

SecondWind said:


> Don't believe that he isn't seeing escorts. When he denies actually meeting escorts tell him that you judge him by his actions, not his words. No grown man "pranks" escorts or repeatedly searchers for them' even while traveling with his family and doesn't follow through at times. Say this every time he denies the reality of his actions.
> 
> Stop having sex with him because he is going to give you an STD if he hasn't already. Get tested for STDs.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply.

That’s what I keep telling myself also that no normal person pranks escorts. He has his brother and friends confirming that yes, they used to do this. They are most likely covering up for him? Do guys actually do this together?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Howdy Rainbow, 

I’m sorry there currently no sunshine or pot of gold at the end.

I’d like you to go back and read your first post. The difference is that I would like you to read it with the perspective that a complete stranger is the one saying it to you. How would you feel about that persons husband?

Everyone here already knows the truth about him. The problem is your too emotionally invested to see it. 

The mind has a way of building up protective defenses against hard truths and reality. I hope your able to gain your clarity sooner rather than later. You will be better off for it.

Good Luck


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Rainboww said:


> I’m going to start getting in touch with a social worker, therapist and lawyer tomorrow. I haven’t done so yet because I was just so overwhelmed by everything going on.
> 
> My mother thinks I should get a divorce because she’s hated him from day 1, way before he did anything horrible to me but she hates a lot of people. She thinks everyone is “jealous” of her so her opinion never really carried any weight with me.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry, l really feel for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

nekonamida said:


> Rainboww, what he is doing is called love bombing. Every time he is sweet to you after abusing you, fighting with you, or getting caught cheating on you, he love bombs you. If he was abusive and cheating 24/7, of course you would never stay so every time there's trouble, he has to do more and more to get you to come back. But that doesn't mean he will ever change. In fact, he almost certainly will not change even with MC. He needs IC, to be tested for sex addiction, anger management preferably with a therapist who specializes with abusive men, possibly a support group too, etc. AND EVEN THEN he will probably do one or more of those terrible things again. The chances of him being better are almost 0%.
> 
> If you are already out and trying to stay out, DON'T GO BACK. Detach from him. Divorce him. If he gets serious help and has at least a year or more of individual therapy under his belt, THEN think about letting him back into your life with the understanding that ONE more infraction of any kind means you are gone forever. But whatever you do, don't go back based on tears and broken promises. Don't even go back for MC because your marriage is not the problem. HE is the problem.


Agreed [email protected], your H is an abuser, stay away from him. Don’t let him bring up your boys.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Run, don't walk or look back.

You married pure poison.

Save yourself and your children.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Rainboww said:


> Hey @Adelais ,
> 
> Not that well, I honestly need to go to therapy to help sort through my feelings of guilt and understand what kind of marriage I’ve been in the past 4 years. I’m going to start looking for one in the morning.
> To update you, we are still separated but he is visiting the kids often. He has hope that we are getting back together because he is going to therapy.


Prepare yourself for his behavior to get worse (much worse) when he realizes you aren't coming back, and his attempt to convince you to come back has been futile. 

Seriously. I would be careful not to put yourself in situations where you're alone with him if/when it gets to that point.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your mother is *smart*, slowly moving your things out of the apartment. She's doing what YOU should have done years ago - moved away from this abusive, vile POS.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This guy is so full of **** it's insulting to your intelligence.

"Pranking" escorts? That's up there with the dumbest things I've ever heard.l and practically comical. My sons could've come up with a better bull**** story when they were 5.

GTFOH.

In case you don't know that's short for get the **** outta here.

Do yourself a favor and stay gone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rainboww said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I’m looking for some guidance as I’ve been with my husband for 4 years now but things have been shaky from the start.
> 
> ...


You had me at the part where he gets violent with you. Not good. Your boys shouldn't have a "man" in their lives who is a wife beater.

Divorce is a good option. A very good option.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rainboww said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> That’s what I keep telling myself also that no normal person pranks escorts. He has his brother and friends confirming that yes, they used to do this. They are most likely covering up for him? Do guys actually do this together?


Men don't. Silly boys might.

What would he do if their pimps tracked him down? Presuming for one moment that he is telling the truth.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

TomNebraska said:


> Prepare yourself for his behavior to get worse (much worse) when he realizes you aren't coming back, and his attempt to convince you to come back has been futile.
> 
> Seriously. I would be careful not to put yourself in situations where you're alone with him if/when it gets to that point.


Further to this. If possible, push for supervised visits for the children with their dad. 
I don't want to frighten you, but I have first hand experienced the tragic outcome of an abuser when his world collapses and he realizes that he is going to lose everything...especially his ability to control.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Adelais said:


> Don't have sex with him even if you get back together until both of you have STD tests that are negative. Make the STD tests a requirement, regardless of what he says.
> 
> Looking for escorts is not a harmless curiosity. He has been actively using escorts, and you are not stupid. In your gut, you know it.
> 
> Like @SecondWind said, tell him that from now on, his words mean nothing, because from now (and forever) you are making all your decisions regarding your future with him based on his *actions* not his words. Keep repeating that every time he promises that he has been faithful.


:iagree:


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

The escort story is shady as hell but once you said "physically abusive" I forgot about everything else. Get yourself and your kids away from him and get a restraining order if necessary. Who knows if he will hurt you or your kids again to the point you are seriously injured or worse. There are better men out there!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

SecondWind said:


> He's crying because he wants his cook and house maid back. I'm being serious.
> 
> He yelled at you for your cooking when you were just learning?? He was upset that you dared to ask him for help? Who does he think he is? The king of Saudi Arabia? And what are you, his servant?
> 
> ...


Definitely time to file.


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