# Dilemma- need some honest truth



## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

I just got out of a 1 1/2 year marriage. I almost had to talk myself through the entire divorce. I am extremely against divorce I never thought I would do it, but things were just so bad in my marriage. I felt like he had ruined everything and done damage beyond repair. It was months and months and months of lack of respect lack of trustworthiness lack of affection that I went through. But when I brought up divorce I feel like I just did it so quickly. Now I feel guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldve gotten a separation or something. When we were having problems he looked me in my face and said this is the real me im not changing and i thought to myself if i stay in this relationship im being stupid because he just told me he gave up. But now that were divorced hes saying he misses me and hes trying to reform for me. I do miss him. I miss when we did get along. The love never went away I just left because I knew I couldnt live being treated like that. 

Problem is I am now in a new relationship. I am happy. He respects me and treats me in ways my ex husband never did. We dont argue or fight he never gets physical with me or raises his voice. He never puts me down or calls me names. Ive actually been friends and close with him longer than Ive known my ex husband. Things are good our relationship is good. 

But thats just it. Things are just good. With my ex husband though even when we were fighting there was so much passion. My boyfriend now never makes me cry but I dont even know if I could cry for him like I did for my ex. Am I just a maschist? Am I attracted to emotional pain? Can I not accept a good relationship? Or am I settling? Do my ex and I have drama because we really are meant to be or because were not?

What do you think? Honestly?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think you stay with Mr. Dependable, you said yourself that you didn't believe in divorce, this tells me that there must have been enough wrong with Mr. Passion in order for you to go there, I think you trust that....


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Your judging a very new relationship - no one says this will be the one you will marry next (could be, but you don't know) quit comparing the 2 and quit worrying that your settling. Just enjoy what you have now and give yourself time to recover from the divorce. It takes more than a month or so to get over it, so don't rush yourself.


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## YoungMarineWife (Nov 29, 2009)

I wouldnt say you r settling. It is good you found someone who treats you well. You just arnt sure of it because you rnt use to it.
I had the same problem a few years ago before I met my husband I was in a bad relationship and I was confused at 1st when my husband(at the time my bf) was being so nice to me.
Get use to it and enjoy it cuz its not easy to find. But be careful too cuz even though my husband treated me really well, now that we are married things arnt as great. But maybe that is because he is a Marine and military husbands can get a little to ****y


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Neither seems to be the right one for the long haul. Relax, enjoy, give yourself time to recover. How long were you truly single? It sounds like you might need to learn to love being alone and not dependent upon a relationship. Just a guess; I don't know enough. Tell us more about going from one relationship to the next and maybe we can give more advice.

Do not stay in a relationship without considerable physical attraction, and do not stay in one ONLY for that reason.


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## Lucretia (Dec 1, 2009)

He sounds like a nice man - he treats you well and you are happy - whats not to like about that?? Enjoy it - good one's are far and few between.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Please do yourself a favor and don't SETTLE for anything.

I may sound like a broken record but cannot keep repeating it enough on these forums, a woman will ALWAYS RESENT a weak man.

No, I'm not saying your man is weak but on the deepest level you see him as weak, that is the lack of passion you do not understand. 

Passion is a friendly, romantic word for sexual attraction. Sexual attraction comes from simple primal places, a man strives to dominate and a woman strives to be dominated. Unless she experiences that feeling from her man and then from that flows like a river that primal sexual attraction to him, then the relationship is more like the brother-sister or roomates or whatever. 

I repeat it, passion (sexual attraction) is not based on logic or negotiation, it is primal and flows from primal places.

What you are feeling is the start of the dreaded spiral of resentment. You feel insecure and maybe don't know why? Please understand it is NOT because you don't deserve respect or anything else you may feel but not be able to explain (remember human emotions are MUCH stronger and much older than the words or language humans invented that we try to use to explain). 

Without knowing details as a man let me guess what is happening. Your new man knows your ex husband was abusive, so he tries to be extra nice and considerate. 

All well and good, except this ignores the simple but powerful biology that SHOULD be happening between you two. He is TOO NICE, therefore is holding back his male desires to ravish you with his entire being, to show how he really feels about you for fearing that you will see him bad as your ex husband. This is simply dishonest, and believe me deep inside your instincts see right through that and keeps you from trusting him with your total being. A woman will always want her man to treat her like a woman.

Problem is, for a woman to tell a man how to treat her is catch 22 for developing passion, since it puts her dominating her man. Instead it is her natural biology to do subtle provoking or even pulling away in hopes that the man will FIGHT to win her. Then she will see what he is made of!!! 

This one no one should miss if you ever to read so many stories of love, of the shining knight slaying the dragon to win the maiden. What we miss reading between the lines is that the dragon and the maiden are the same person.

Good luck.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I am glad I did not realize some of this at a earlier age.....I would have been a "player".....I do respect my wife and I am grateful to find this out later in life because I do not want to have 20 women on the go at any one time.However this info coupled with the knowledge of how to address resentment issues coupled with knowing certain sexual techniques to please a woman,is ever so powerful a combination.
Men the power is in your hands,DO NOT ABUSE IT.


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## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

YoungMilitarySpouse said:


> I just got out of a 1 1/2 year marriage. I almost had to talk myself through the entire divorce. I am extremely against divorce I never thought I would do it, but things were just so bad in my marriage. I felt like he had ruined everything and done damage beyond repair. It was months and months and months of lack of respect lack of trustworthiness lack of affection that I went through. But when I brought up divorce I feel like I just did it so quickly. Now I feel guilty. I feel like maybe I shouldve gotten a separation or something. When we were having problems he looked me in my face and said this is the real me im not changing and i thought to myself if i stay in this relationship im being stupid because he just told me he gave up. But now that were divorced hes saying he misses me and hes trying to reform for me. I do miss him. I miss when we did get along. The love never went away I just left because I knew I couldnt live being treated like that.
> 
> Problem is I am now in a new relationship. I am happy. He respects me and treats me in ways my ex husband never did. We dont argue or fight he never gets physical with me or raises his voice. He never puts me down or calls me names. Ive actually been friends and close with him longer than Ive known my ex husband. Things are good our relationship is good.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## excuseme (Dec 1, 2009)

........pause and think about what you had prior to what you had.......now be honest about the things you need. You don't deserve pain 80% of the time to get %20 percent of pleasure. Maybe you and your new mate can speak a sex therapist to help unleash his passion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

sounds like your ex was abusive. In abusive relationships there are extreme highs and lows. you cried for your ex because he brought you very low... and the passion was high because of the abusive cycle. do not confuse extreme roller coaster emotions as true love. When a relationship is stable and dependable it can seem boring compared to the ups and downs from your ex. relax, enjoy your current bf. I think as your bf sees you getting stronger he will start to assert himself more and take charge in the bedroom... therefore upping the passion. He is probably treating you with kid gloves right now because of what you went through. Don't let go of a good guy, wait it out. You deserve way better than your ex.

a real man who is secure can let you be in charge once in awhile. not all military guys feel the need to be super dominant outside of the bedroom. The fact that most of them take charge IN the bedroom, is the yummy part, oh and the uniforms help too.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, let me publicly apologize to BBW for name-calling in a different thread. I do not know him. Name calling is juvenile. My bad.

Now, let me say what I should have said.

Comments such as "a man strives to dominate and a woman strives to be dominated" are unsubstantiated and downright dangerous. Comments that state "women are insecure" are likewise unsubstantiated and insulting to women. 

Women, like men, are individuals. Women, like men, generally wish to be respected and treated like adults. I personally do not want a "weak" man--someone who is childish in his dependence, refusal to accept responsibility, etc. Nor do I want a "dominating" or controlling man. I am a woman. I am an example of one that completely invalidates any assertion about "women" wanting domination, or any assertion that generalizes about women and contradicts my personal beliefs, tastes, preferences, etc. I can therefore say with total validity, "Not all women want a dominating man." I cannot speak for all women--nor can anyone else. Women are too varied to be treated in a single, specific, way. 

Thank you. I will now step off my soapbox.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

@sisters359-The words dominate,domination,dominating when used by BBW or myself or any other person talking about this issue is misunderstood.
We do not mean to use it as in dominate a woman and control every single thing she does.No woman wants to have a control freak.

It is used to describe the "Alpha Male" the "I am in control and I am a Bad Boy" mentality.You have to separate the Human Animal from the Human Spirit to understand this.

Forget for a minute about the Human Spirit.
Look at the Human Animal,we are similar to all the beasts in the animal kingdom.Just as a Lion is the King of Beasts and the Alpha Male,he has his pride.The Lioness will only breed with the alpha male.The male asserts his dominance by biting the back of the females neck to show who is in charge.When he is done,the female will turn around and slap the male with her paw.

Now knowing this is the base instinct in all animals,we are no different,except we have a spirit or soul.We have morals and know right and wrong.

Women perhaps understand this better then men on a instinct level.How many times have you heard you or your girlfriends say,"I love him but he is so bad for me"????
Men however tend not to think to deep on this level and it takes years of self reflecting to come to grips with it.Otherwise we would have lots more alpha males or "Bad Boys" and no "Door Mats".

I am not saying any of this to come across like you should miss treat a woman.
I state this to help the "Door Mats" and the guys with no "spine".

We as Human's are a two fold being.We fight with the animal to find peace within the spiritual self.
The proof of this is the women who know the "bad boy" is not good for them but strive to change him.
The animal being wants many sex partners,the spiritual being wants only one special someone.

It is very very deep thinking.I know some may not get it at first.Heck it took me years.However I understand it better now.
Remember I am a Christian and I study things alot.I have OCD so I tend to really think to much on things.

I think alot of times this is why people cheat,it is these animalistic traits coming out in people.Cheating is still no excuse,but people really do need to understand their psyche better as to what makes them tick.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

FLgirl said:


> sounds like your ex was abusive. In abusive relationships there are extreme highs and lows. you cried for your ex because he brought you very low... and the passion was high because of the abusive cycle. do not confuse extreme roller coaster emotions as true love. When a relationship is stable and dependable it can seem boring compared to the ups and downs from your ex. relax, enjoy your current bf. I think as your bf sees you getting stronger he will start to assert himself more and take charge in the bedroom... therefore upping the passion. He is probably treating you with kid gloves right now because of what you went through. Don't let go of a good guy, wait it out. You deserve way better than your ex.
> 
> a real man who is secure can let you be in charge once in awhile. not all military guys feel the need to be super dominant outside of the bedroom. The fact that most of them take charge IN the bedroom, is the yummy part, oh and the uniforms help too.


Though I am not in the military, this last part is absolutely truth. Anyone seeing me and my wife would probably assumed I was "whipped" as I am always near my wife and seem to be at her beck and call, which I guess I am. Only between us does she know it is my fierce protective instincts instead and she says it is a big turn on to her. Sometimes if she gets short with me or does someting provoking to me and I give her a quick stare or glance of "correction" then she says she melts and wants me to take her right then!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> First, let me publicly apologize to BBW for name-calling in a different thread. I do not know him. Name calling is juvenile. My bad.
> 
> Now, let me say what I should have said.
> 
> ...


No need to apologize but yes you are very gracious and adult to say publicaly. The internet is a good way to share provacative ideas that otherwise it is hidden behind social politeness, and it is okay to be riled as we are all just human. 

Understand I am speaking of biology between a man and woman to strive to dominate and be dominated, and these forums I understand it is implied in marriage and consensual. 

It is a sad fact, and I hear what you are saying, that the abusers and men (and sometimes women) of poor character and selfish hearts already know these things, but good men who would be loyal husbands and good providers do not. 

If simple biology is ignored, then the good men of the world do not understand why women will leave a nice man to have sex with the "bad boy", or why the battered woman will defend to the death the man that physically abuses her. The good men of the world do not understand how a "pimp" will abuse and control women as prostitutes and sex slaves, or incorrectly see rape as primarily about sex when the women knows for a fact that it is instead an emotional assault. 

There are thousands of men who are seeing through the myth that a woman wants to be treated like a man, even though it is worded differently the euphanisms are the same (treated equal, respect, etc etc). A good man doesn't need a woman to tell him to treat her with respect, that is an insult. A good man instead needs to know the truth, that behind the bedroom doors then biology rules, a man needs to be a man, and a woman needs to be a woman. From this simple truth flows sexual attraction, and the million other things will fall into place, the woman needing the attention of "her" man, the man needing to protect and provide for "his" woman.

Anyway, again it is good to share ideas on this forum, even if we do not always agree!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tweak said:


> Forget for a minute about the Human Spirit.
> Look at the Human Animal,we are similar to all the beasts in the animal kingdom.Just as a Lion is the King of Beasts and the Alpha Male,he has his pride.The Lioness will only breed with the alpha male.The male asserts his dominance by biting the back of the females neck to show who is in charge.When he is done,the female will turn around and slap the male with her paw.
> 
> Now knowing this is the base instinct in all animals,we are no different,except we have a spirit or soul.We have morals and know right and wrong.


Not sure you have your cross-species sexuality research in full. Some would posit that we're closer in mating strategy to Bonobos. Females will mate with whomever brings 'em a piece of fruit.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

michzz said:


> Not sure you have your cross-species sexuality research in full. Some would posit that we're closer in mating strategy to Bonobos. Females will mate with whomever brings 'em a piece of fruit.


WOW!! And I always used to spring for a dinner and movie.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I was talking in a generalized fashion,so people will kinda get the point.
Its at the very heart of the basic animal psyche.At least in mammals.
I am no expert,I would not claim to be.It is my observations over the last 20 years that I bring to the table.Years of self reflecting and thinking,reading,watching shows,observing others.Watching people,learning from their mistakes.

I know some do not agree.Its cool.
As I say,I am still learning and have a bit of a open mind about such things.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The Harry & David delivery men probably love their jobs.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Actually, many biological studies show that female animals mate with multiple males, regardless of which is the "alpha male." The DNA in the offspring show multiple fathers, even in the same litter/nest.

I personally think it is a serious mistake to assume we are exactly like animals in any way. I have NEVER heard a friend say, "I love him but he is so bad for me." Maybe the people I hang with are different from your group of friends. 

If men are perceived as weak, they need to work on self-esteem and demand respect. There is no reason for more "dominant" behavior. Yes, sometimes I like to have a man take the lead in various venues--dates, bedroom, etc. But I would not be happy with any man to whom "having the lead" was always essential. 

Mature people share mutual respect while each having healthy self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem prevents anyone--male or female--from being weak or insecure. Over time, many adults develop this. Younger people-male and female--are likely to be less secure, and certain behaviors (insecurity/neediness on the one hand, inflexibility on the other) are evidence of poor self-esteem, because such people cannot stand up for themselves or, they must bluff as fearless b/c they are still insecure. Controlling behavior stems from a deep fear of being left alone, just as clingy behavior does. Cultural messages tend to inculcate clinginess in women and controlling behavior in men as "socially more appropriate" ways of behaving when insecure. But as individuals, men can be clingy, and women can be controlling. 

Any message to help others (men who are "weak") should be based on something more than assumed biological "imperatives." While I applaud the idea of helping insecure men, I am appalled by any advice to reduce human interactions to animal behavior (esp. since that animal behavior is much more diverse than is being represented.) It sounds like some of you read and bought into a book about how not to be a doormat, without reading critically (that is, without questioning the author's evidence and arguments). The thread of truth (many women will not appreciate weak men) makes the conclusion seem true (so men should be alpha males). There are huge factual and logical errors in the argument. Swinging from "weak" to "alpha Male" sounds like a terrible idea. I think it is much more reasonable to encourage weaker (ie, insecure) men to develop some self-esteem and learn how to stand up for themselves while treating their partner with respect and without making assumptions about women being insecure or needing to see the man in a "dominant" position.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Actually, many biological studies show that female animals mate with multiple males, regardless of which is the "alpha male." The DNA in the offspring show multiple fathers, even in the same litter/nest.
> 
> I personally think it is a serious mistake to assume we are exactly like animals in any way. I have NEVER heard a friend say, "I love him but he is so bad for me." Maybe the people I hang with are different from your group of friends.
> 
> ...


This is very good at heart and I am wondering how to say so many things that I agree with. 

I do not intend to imply the dominant characteristic that woman desire in a man equates with this "Alpha male" term automatically, because you are correct to say human and animal social structures are more complex. Actually I never use this "Alpha Male" term anyway because of so many so called women seducers are trying to trick women by many tricks in the dating and pick up scenes, and this term is thrown around to me taking on a very false front as like a veneer finish.

This dominance and dominated terms I say are to succinctly capture for an internet forum like this, the biological driven sexual and behavior response to relationship structure that, like it or not regarding politically correct or offensive or religious objection or something else, is our biological inheritance as men and women.

You cannot open a thread on this forum, it seems, without seeing the same misunderstanding. The men, being told that women want them to be sensitive and repective and "equal", are baffled because their woman has no sex drive, is nagging, or she has had an affair with some "bad boy". And the same with the woman, who have been told they need to find a man that is sensitive and respective and "equal", complain that their man has lost interest in her, is emotionally unattached, or he has had an affair with some other woman.

This is because we ignore the obvious, in relationships we seek out, date, have sex, and marry someone because they make us emotionally excited in primal ways, biologically that is saying we find them sexually attractive. 

A man strives to dominate, a woman strives to be dominated. 

If a good man has the drive, the talent, and ability to control himself and his environment, this is called dominant. The woman is deeply attracted to this kind of male, selfishly yes, as he has demonstrate to her that he can protect and provide for her, and strives to attract his attention so she can give her greatest gift to him, which is her submission. She strives to be dominated. 

The man, selfishly also, views this woman as "his" and will give her his attention, care, and will be very protective of her from other men.

Then, sometimes rather quickly, the flame dies down and we don't know why. Always the same feelings, blame the other person for changing, because they do not stoke the flame. Again biologically speaking, the relationship has ignored the sexual dynamics, that a man strives to dominate, and a woman strives to be dominated.

That is why it is grating to my ears to hear the myths and lies that women like sensitive men and wanting to be equal and 50/50 and treat me the same and respect, because that may be okay for business or platonic relations but in a marriage (supposing by man and woman to be built on sexual attraction) that is a recipe for a miserable man and a miserable woman.

A good man does not need to be told to treat a woman with respect, that is an insult. A woman commands respect automatically from a good man because he respects himself and will respect those he loves. 

A good man does not need to be told he needs to be sensitive, again that is an insult because it neglects the fact that a man is just as sensitive as a woman, he just demonstrates differently and even will suppress his outward emotions as a sign of his strength.

The words I say on this forum are never meant to make a weak man APPEAR strong as a deceit, opposite instead is to let the good man who ALREADY IS STRONG simply stop hiding or having to mask his basic emotional happiness due to myths and lies about what really doesn't work.

The women on these forums and in these marriages are not stupid, that is also an insult to think that way. They are not marrying weak men and then wondering what happened!!! They are perfectly functioning emotionally and sexually dynamic creatures that will, despite so many false tricks by men of low character, still find the good men that they deserve to love and spend their lives with. 

It is a shame then, that in the bedrooms and intimate places, these good men must hide who they are. Instead of dominant and sexy, they think they must be polite. In case of fear of looking evil, they avoid any aggressive or rough sex. In case of fear of looking like they are hitting a woman, they avoid spanking. This is wrong. 

The good men that attracted the women in the first place are told to hide who they are, and reap the rewards of emotional walls and women who no longer are attracted to them sexually. This is wrong.

It is important to know, as quickly as it takes for a man or woman to realize this simple issue, is a quickly as the primal urges can be reignited. As quickly as a man or woman can fall for some co-worker or other affair, they can fall for each other again. 

Again it is good to share our ideas.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

This is also my way of thinking at the moment,with Woman's Liberation,men became fearful of appearing to dominant.I am not saying that Woman's Liberation was a bad thing.It is and was a good thing,because it made men take notice of women as equals in life.
The problem though is that many men became fearful of what is manly.
Just like BBW stated,Quote-"It is a shame then, that in the bedrooms and intimate places, these good men must hide who they are. Instead of dominant and sexy, they think they must be polite. In case of fear of looking evil, they avoid any aggressive or rough sex. In case of fear of looking like they are hitting a woman, they avoid spanking."

@sisters359 - I know people that would be offended at being compared to a animal,and thats OK that you feel that way.
However it still does not change the facts that all animals no matter what species have 3 basic "needs".
1.Eating 2.Sleeping 3.Breeding

Also quote - "I have NEVER heard a friend say, "I love him but he is so bad for me." 

So you as a person have never had a girl friend that was abused,used,lied to or cheated on and still wanted to keep the jerk?
Just because they do not say it,does not make it unreal,in fact women do not always know why they keep wanting the guy that is 
so bad for them around.HINT***ITS PRIMAL....
I love how when I make a little generalized statement like this that people feel the need to object.
It truly was meant as a generalization.
I know we ALL have known women that have kept bad men around and we could not understand why they put up with it.That is what
I was getting at.

quote - "I am appalled by any advice to reduce human interactions to animal behavior"

My response is this...You must first understand what your made of before you understand where you need to go.

Think of the Human personality as a "onion".It has MANY layers,some get added with age and experiences.
However at the core is the primal man/woman,this does not change and in fact you are born with these traits.

You or I neither one can change this.

To understand ones animal,is to further yourself down the road to finding true peace within yourself.The spirit needs this balance to.

To be a true "Alpha Male" in my opinion,is to live with confidence and to know you are good to your woman and treat her like she wants/needs to be treated.To know when she wants to be ravished and to know when she wants to cuddle.To be her "Bad Boy" but be her "Good Boy" to.

To many people read and hear what they want to hear.Some people hear the words "Dominate" or "animal" and immediately go on the defensive and then shut down to the idea behind the thought.

Like I have stated,I finally grasp this concept after YEARS of self reflection and study.I did not read any one book and come to terms with these thoughts.Self reflection,lots of different reading and a DR.Phil show or two helped 

BBW is a better writer then I am about it. I am more blunt and to the point.Heck we may not agree on everything,not to sure about it.
I may not be 100% right,but I do think I am at least 90% good to go on this subject.As its a ongoing "field of study" with me,I learn new things daily.

Maybe there are "Dominant" women who feel threatened by these thoughts,I do not know.It would seem that this may be the case.
Like I stated before about this subject,there are exceptions to ALL RULES.

Look at some factoids.
1.All women like "Bad Boys". (Nicolas Cage,Mel Gibson,Brad Pit,the local Biker Dude..etc.) This is subconscious and can actually make women mad if you point this out. 
2."Door Mats" have relationship problems,then wonder why it happened,"I was to good to her."

Women tend to like the bad boy/alpha male,yet want the good boy to.
So as men we need to learn how to be both.This is the key I think.
A Balance.

To those that argue and get upset,I urge you to look deeper.
I used to get mad about women liking "bad boys",I was offended by all that I had learned with the Feminist movement and being told it was socially unacceptable to be "Alpha" or "Bad" or "Dominant" with a woman.Now that I have a understanding of this,I am no longer mad,I understand what I must do and be to be a better person to my wife.

You just have to "peel" the layers of your "onion" back to see the truth.


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