# Low Libido? Can This Really Be All Its About?



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

(Sorry i couldn't post this in the sex forum, but i'm at work at don't want that section to come up in my internet history)

That is my our story. We've been married for 13 years, 3 kids, she's a SAHM. Frequency of the # of times we make love is the soul of the matter. I am a high libido dude, so for me, it would be great if we made love 3-4x a week. That AIN'T happening. She would be satisfied if we made love about once every few weeks. One time, i wanted to see how long she could go without it... it was a month before she noticed. And 90% of the time, we do make love, its through my initiation. She doesn't turn me down per se, but if i try too many attempts per week... you can tell her heart isn't into it.

And to answer some questions out there, no, there isn't any one else, she has pretty much been this way shortly after marriage. I'd say by year 2. Small part of me wonders if this is how she always was, but lead me to believe the sex was always going to be jumping off so i would say, "I do." Then get married, and a kid a couple years later, she could be herself. SOrry if that sounds cruel, but the thought does go through my head.

So ladies, can it really this simple? For those of you are this applies to. You can love your husband, enjoy sex once it starts, but just not are raving about it when its not right in front of you. I can't speak for most guys, but i think about sex everyday. I try keep things in perspective, i married first out of love... companionship next... and a distant 3rd or 4th is sex. But i won't lie, this isn't easy. Like i posted on here months ago, i really do hope her peak kicks in as she closes on 40. She is 35 now.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Yes, Rob. I'm the same way. Not every woman is obviously this way, but I can certainly relate to your wife. 

And libido in women can be a complex mix of physical (hormones, health) and emotional/relational. It is a mix in men too, but men definitely have the advantage in the hormonal department. With testosterone levels 10 times what is found in a woman, you men definitely have a leg up on having sexual urges much more frequently. I also postulate that men have the advantage in that they are also socialized to look upon their sexuality as a positive thing, while women, unfortunately have been more socialized to look upon their sexuality as not as positive. Perhaps in time this will change and both men and women will be able to approach their sexuality as a positive, beautiful thing.

Good read on just that subject: Amazon.com: The Alchemy of Love and Lust (9780671004446): Theresa L. Crenshaw: Books

We all fall into the trap of thinking that others are thinking and feeling just like us - especially our spouses - and especially when it comes to sex. But, being able to accept each other's quirks, foibles, and uniqueness - libido being one of them - and working together toward a rewarding solution is what marriage is all about.

Many women do feel sexual desire after they are aroused, kind of the opposite of what a man might feel. I frequently attach this article and recommend you do research on "Rosemary Basson" as she has been instrumental in trying to identify the differences between female and male arousal. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

That being said, many women, self included can easily become aroused even in the absence of outright desire when they are in a great relationship with their husband. And that cycle can feed on itself somewhat, so that it can be more self-perpetuating.

I have had the same general libido my whole adult life. I am 47 now and have never experienced any kind of sustained peak (least not yet). I have always been a once every week or 10 day person, but I could probably go as long as 3 weeks or so. My husband at 49 is still a once a day guy. We meet somewhere in the middle between 3 - 5 times a week. I did have heightened drive during pregnancy, and I definitely had lowered drive during a time of illness when I became severely hypothyroid and have been able to see many other things that affected it negatively - stress, fatigue, breastfeeding, etc. - and positively - when both of us are really striving to put each other as a priority in our marriage.

However, the hormonal/biological bits that you may not have as much control over are not the only thing that drives you. Relational and emotional issues do too, and for women that can be a very big factor in their desire for sex. A good relationship with your husband can spur your desire on, ironically sometimes so can a bad one. How many times have we seen on TAM about women who highly desire sex because their husband's ignore them? Is that mostly biological or relational?

Anyway, your wife doesn't get a free pass because her libido is different than yours. A wife should also be learning about her husband's drive and what sex within the relationship means to him. And, that isn't always an easy thing to understand for a wife, just like you are having a hard time understanding your wife's. It took me many, many years to understand this about my husband. In marriage, it is supposed to be a 'people growing' endeavor, the constant struggle back and forth, enlightening ourselves, growing. Couple of good books on this are by David Schnarch, "Passionate Marriage" and "Intimacy and Desire". Amazon.com: schnarch

I may have a significantly lower physical drive than my husband, but I have a significantly higher emotional desire to connect with him through sex. 

God Bless.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I keep coming across this same problem over and over on here, that men just don't *get enough*...and I've come to the conclusion...that I must be a *MAN*, because in our house that is MY big complaint...Pfff. In a crap mood today, sorry...


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Yes, Rob. I'm the same way. Not every woman is obviously this way, but I can certainly relate to your wife.
> 
> And libido in women can be a complex mix of physical (hormones, health) and emotional/relational. It is a mix in men too, but men definitely have the advantage in the hormonal department. With testosterone levels 10 times what is found in a woman, you men definitely have a leg up on having sexual urges much more frequently. I also postulate that men have the advantage in that they are also socialized to look upon their sexuality as a positive thing, while women, unfortunately have been more socialized to look upon their sexuality as not as positive. Perhaps in time this will change and both men and women will be able to approach their sexuality as a positive, beautiful thing.
> 
> ...


Wow, i wish to thank you for your well wrote, and thorough response. I wasn't expecting all this. I take my hat off to you for you guys to meet the middle ground. Heck, i'd jump for joy for 3-5 times a week. We are in our mid 30's btw. I could push it to that btw, but i think the quality of our sex would go down, i'm almost certain of it. I don't want to this to be a "chore" for her to have to carry out, because of her duties as a wife.

I even said a prayer in church that i wish i could be less sexual. I just dont' know how sincere it was. I like feeling this way, what man who is, doesn't love this. I almost left work yesterday to come home for a nooner. What wife doesn't like their husbands to find them desirable after 3 kids. She's 190 lbs, so she's not a tiny woman, but i love her body. But i just can't go by her clock, it drives me nuts when i'm super h-rny for more than a couple days.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I keep coming across this same problem over and over on here, that men just don't *get enough*...and I've come to the conclusion...that I must be a *MAN*, because in our house that is MY big complaint...Pfff. In a crap mood today, sorry...


I would agree with you, but me and my wife have talked this to death over the years. Its not me. 

Technique? I can bring her to org-sm manually and during s3x. Does she deterst me? If she does, she hides it well. I'm in great shape, i workout, i shower before jumping her. 

So i think it is entirely just her. She admits never being that into s3x most of her life. I think there are alot of women like this, but they can't openly admit this to guys in the beginning because they know that no guys is going to stick around long turn for sporadic lovemaking. People like you are the ones my single brother tease me about. The ones who meet their man at the front door with lingerie on. The ones who always are down for anything, anytime, anywhere. One day, i think my wife will be like this. I can only hope.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> I even said a prayer in church that i wish i could be less sexual. I just dont' know how sincere it was. I like feeling this way, what man who is, doesn't love this. I almost left work yesterday to come home for a nooner. What wife doesn't like their husbands to find them desirable after 3 kids. She's 190 lbs, so she's not a tiny woman, but i love her body. But i just can't go by her clock, it drives me nuts when i'm super h-rny for more than a couple days.


I used to pray that I could be more sexual and have a higher drive like my husband. Our mismatch caused me a lot of angst in my marriage. 

I finally realized that I shouldn't pray to have my body miraculously change so my burden could be lighter, but to pray instead to have my eyes more fully opened in understanding and compassion of my husband.

_"Pray not for a lighter load, but for stronger shoulders."_

I guess my prayers were answered, because once I was able to understand my husband and that his need for sex was the absolute expression of our love, I did become more sexual. Okay, I STILL may not think about it a whole bunch like he does, but I am able to address his need joyfully and fulfill myself in the process.

You know, I frequently come on TAM and exhort people to "take ownership" - whether it be the man or the woman. By that I mean, to take initiative in trying to resolve the issue.

Take the initiative in trying to show your wife how important this is to you, and to try and lead her to that point. And, the way to do that - most guys don't like to hear this part because it would be so much easier for them if their spouse just miraculously changed - but it's by fully loving your wife and providing her with what she needs - but not by becoming a doormat, but by being the man of quality that a woman looks up to.

Oh, and pray for understanding and enlightenment - you to be enlightened about her needs and she to be enlightened about yours. 

I think you should have gone home for a nooner - at least come home with her favorite lunch, totally surprise her, and totally bowl her over - maybe not expecting anything, but just hoping a little. You may be very pleasantly surprised.

Best wishes.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Enchantment:

I love your posts. I do believe that men and women need to keep communicating their needs to each other. Men give up too easily, and women need to understand that sex is a man's way to relating to them emotionally. 

Husbands should meet their wife's need for affection and attention, and wives should be sexual more often; they will find that the more they engage in sex, the more they will enjoy it. Wives mature sexually if they allow their husbands to learn how to arouse them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How are you connecting emotionally? Some people DO just naturally have a low libido. I find that if I am emotionally connected/close to my partner I feel much more aroused. 

You guys have quite a difference in how much you want to have sex (you, 3-4x a week, her 1x every few weeks). You guys need to compromise. Me personally, I think 1x every few weeks isn't enough. That's basically a sexless marriage, IMO. Ask her about 2x a week and go from there.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> I would agree with you, but me and my wife have talked this to death over the years. Its not me.
> 
> Technique? I can bring her to org-sm manually and during s3x. Does she deterst me? If she does, she hides it well. I'm in great shape, i workout, i shower before jumping her.
> 
> So i think it is entirely just her. She admits never being that into s3x most of her life. I think there are alot of women like this, but they can't openly admit this to guys in the beginning because they know that no guys is going to stick around long turn for sporadic lovemaking. * People like you are the ones my single brother tease me about. The ones who meet their man at the front door with lingerie on. The ones who always are down for anything, anytime, anywhere. One day, i think my wife will be like this. I can only hope*.


And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am) as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep), and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am) as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep), and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).


All this being said, when things DO happen, they're great... I just want more. Much MORE!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> *How are you connecting emotionally? *Some people DO just naturally have a low libido. I find that if I am emotionally connected/close to my partner I feel much more aroused.
> 
> You guys have quite a difference in how much you want to have sex (you, 3-4x a week, her 1x every few weeks). You guys need to compromise. Me personally, I think 1x every few weeks isn't enough. That's basically a sexless marriage, IMO. Ask her about 2x a week and go from there.


She's my soulmate. Sure, we hit our rough patches. But we never argue, we have disagreements, but never raise voices, use profanity. We do everything togehter. Go to the mall, church, movies, watch tv... everything together.

We do have a compromise, its 1-2x a week. I'm just trying better understand her situation, from other women's POV.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> And I am hoping that one day, my H will want me each and every night and day, the same way I long for him...we fought last night (unrelated to this subject), and I went to bed after he did. Even though I was supper pi$$ed off (still am)* as soon as I got into that bed (he was asleep)*, and felt the heat of his body next to mine...it was like electrical current shooting through my center, just lying there with our mid-points lined up in bed. I lay there, aching for him, and he didn't even know. He never knows, no matter how much I tell him (and show him). He has a low drive - I knew this going in. My hope is that I actually slow down with age (I'm 41, no signs of this happening yet).


This would be the sorta thing that would piss me off back in the day. KNowing that s3x was supposed to be jumping off, then she'd be sleep when i'd finally come into the bedroom.That showed me she just didn't care about my feelings. 

If you don't mind me prying, has your drive always been this high? Even prior to you guys meeting. I had no way of knowing that i'd be this s3xually frustrated as i am now, at the early start of our relationship, when i could of taken her on any given night if i wanted to. But like i mentioned before, its a compromise, and as long as i don't feel totally neglected, i don't mind toning down my desires a little bit.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> This would be the sorta thing that would piss me off back in the day. KNowing that s3x was supposed to be jumping off, then she'd be sleep when i'd finally come into the bedroom.That showed me she just didn't care about my feelings.
> 
> If you don't mind me prying, has your drive always been this high? Even prior to you guys meeting. I had no way of knowing that i'd be this s3xually frustrated as i am now, at the early start of our relationship, when i could of taken her on any given night if i wanted to. But like i mentioned before, its a compromise, and as long as i don't feel totally neglected, i don't mind toning down my desires a little bit.


Yes it has, ever since I became active...20+ years ago...of course, now, I've been forced to slow down because of H!

When he and I first got together, it was more frequent. But now, there's always something. He's always tired, he's on meds, he used to do the porn thing leaving none left for me (which I completely didn't get, since there I was, gagging for it all the time!)...he is worried the kids will hear (who cares?)... I get Saturday mornings. Sometimes Sundays. That's it.

I'm much more bitter about it today (bad mood) than I have been in awhile. I've tried to be understanding. Being on this forum doesn't help, sometimes! It puts all sorts into my head.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Yes it has, ever since I became active...20+ years ago...of course, now, I've been forced to slow down because of H!
> 
> When he and I first got together, it was more frequent. But now, there's always something. He's always tired, he's on meds, he used to do the porn thing leaving none left for me (which I completely didn't get, since there I was, gagging for it all the time!)...he is worried the kids will hear (who cares?)... I get Saturday mornings. Sometimes Sundays. That's it.
> 
> I'm much more bitter about it today (bad mood) than I have been in awhile. I've tried to be understanding. Being on this forum doesn't help, sometimes! It puts all sorts into my head.


Well... you are talking about it, sometimes venting... is medicine within itself. Trust me, i feel your pain, because we are opposites, who could swap our mates... our mates would be happy because the demand for "good lovin" would be at an all time low. :smthumbup:

Its funny that you mention the porm thing, i do that is well, but trust me, i still have plenty of me left for the real thing. It really is a poor substitute. That's why i never understood the threads i've come across on here where there are guys who did this, and basically didn't touch their women at all. Heck, porm has given me pointers, not meant to be a replacement.

Despite this being my thread, only advice i can give you is, pray about it, be wise, and don't do anything you'll regret. As a woman, i know all you guys have to do is pick up a phone, to get some guy a running over to meet you. That would be my biggest fear if i was a guy not willing to comprimise.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Well... you are talking about it, sometimes venting... is medicine within itself. Trust me, i feel your pain, because we are opposites, who could swap our mates... our mates would be happy because the demand for "good lovin" would be at an all time low. :smthumbup:
> 
> Its funny that you mention the porm thing, i do that is well, but trust me, i still have plenty of me left for the real thing. It really is a poor substitute. That's why i never understood the threads i've come across on here where there are guys who did this, and basically didn't touch their women at all. Heck, porm has given me pointers, not meant to be a replacement.
> 
> Despite this being my thread, only advice i can give you is, pray about it, be wise, and don't do anything you'll regret. As a woman, i know _*all you guys have to do is pick up a phone, to get some guy a running over to meet you. That would be my biggest fear if i was a guy not willing to comprimise*_.


Naw, I'd never do that...I waited a long time to get married, and I've lived the single life long enough to know that I won't be missing what's out there, lol...

Porn itself doesn't really bother me, per se...unless it's something really violent, or pervy...it's the lying, and the potential to bring it to another level (actual live cheating), and of course, the 'none left for me' syndrome...wah!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Rob, to the woods! Take her to the woods. Or a beach or a field or a motel. But whatever. Somewhere different!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I'm generalizing here, but this is my take on the difference in sex drives between men and women (and this does NOT pertain to every man or woman): men are visual, women are auditory. A man loves to look at his beloved naked, he loves to look at women in alluring clothes, MEN LIKE TO LOOK, PERIOD. Women tend to like to hear words of love, sweet-talk, romance, roses, and candlelight. WOMEN LIKE TO BE FINESSED. 

That being said, it may boil down to a difference in sex drives or it may be that she wants you to cozy up and romance her. When my husband took me to a certain bed-and-breakfast, it was a sure-fire way to get me hitting on all eight cylinders. That hot tub out on the deck, with a chilled bottle of champagne on the edge of the tub, and rose petals floating in the tub ... sigh. 

I have two good male friends; both happily married for many years. We were sitting around one night and discussing these differences. BTW, both wives were in the other room and came in to join our discussion. Both guys were quite frank and basically said, "We WANT sex. We are focused on the SEX." And these are two guys I consider stand-up men who are faithful mates to their wives. The wives both agreed with what their husbands were saying, and mentioned how they loved to be wined and dined first before getting laid.

Rob, just a suggestion, but how 'bout planning a surprise weekend where you take her to a romantic place you know she would enjoy? If both of you have a great time, who's to say those wonderful memories won't lead to a little fantasy sex, remembering a hot moment from the mini-vacation? Like I said, JMO, but this woman needs to be finessed a bit, then the walls will come tumblin' down.:smthumbup:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She admits she was never "into" sex her entire life but she stood up and married a guy who obviously expected it frequently. Did she believe marriage would increase her sexual desire or did she just intentionally conceal this little aspect of her personality until after the ceremony, secretly selling her guy into a lifetime of near-celibacy so he would go through with the marriage?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She admits she was never "into" sex her entire life but she stood up and married a guy who obviously expected it frequently. Did she believe marriage would increase her sexual desire or did she just intentionally conceal this little aspect of her personality until after the ceremony, secretly selling her guy into a lifetime of near-celibacy so he would go through with the marriage?


You know, not that this should be an excuse, but even though I knew my husband was a higher drive man when we married, I still didn't really understand what that meant - not what sex really meant to him, and not even what it meant to me, or even its real context within our marriage.

But, marriage is a great opportunity for people to learn how to 'grow' - in themselves, and in each other.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> So ladies, can it really this simple? For those of you are this applies to. You can love your husband, enjoy sex once it starts, but just not are raving about it when its not right in front of you. I can't speak for most guys, but i think about sex everyday. I try keep things in perspective, i married first out of love... companionship next... and a distant 3rd or 4th is sex. But i won't lie, this isn't easy. Like i posted on here months ago, i really do hope her peak kicks in as she closes on 40. She is 35 now.


Search out some of MEM's posts about how his wife can be "neutral" (i.e. not raving anxious to have sex at any given moment but willing to be got in to it). He puts it better, I should say. My own feeling is it's pretty uncommon, but see if it resonates with you as either an explanation or a plan.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I tend to think that sexuality in women is almost entirely a learned behavior and not hardwired. Based on the responses here @ TAM I think I'm sufficiently right on that point. It's not about 'thinking' or 'feeling' it's about urge vs internalized system of thought. Men 'want' sex. Women 'have' sex. Resentfully, regretfully, most of the time. Not always. But it's a chore slightly less unpleasant than most chores. 

Which is fine because there's plenty of things I don't exactly love to do and yet find the time to complete them. So I can appreciate the shrug and the eyeroll and the looking at the watch. But let's admit that's what's going on for the great vast majority of couples here. Servicing the husband is like doing the laundry. Not a super wonderful thing to have to do but the alternative is piles of dirty clothes everywhere.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Some good opinons, another one to toss out there is there is still a generalization that good girls don't do it. I'm shocked to find there are women my age who don't have a healthy sense of sexuality. 

I agree, it's learned and not hardwired. But it can be learned!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Rob, to the woods! Take her to the woods. Or a beach or a field or a motel. But whatever. Somewhere different!


Trust me, i'd love that, but with 3 kids, we just don't get out alone too often. We do everything... as a family. 



Prodigal said:


> Rob, just a suggestion, but how 'bout planning a surprise weekend where you take her to a romantic place you know she would enjoy? If both of you have a great time, who's to say those wonderful memories won't lead to a little fantasy sex, remembering a hot moment from the mini-vacation? Like I said, JMO, but this woman needs to be finessed a bit, then the walls will come tumblin' down.:smthumbup:


Next month, we have a wedding to go to outta state. We are staying in a hotel there, and already we are getting the plans together for "activities." She's planning her first ever striptease.



unbelievable said:


> She admits she was never "into" sex her entire life but she stood up and married a guy who obviously expected it frequently. Did she believe marriage would increase her sexual desire or did she just intentionally conceal this little aspect of her personality until after the ceremony, secretly selling her guy into a lifetime of near-celibacy so he would go through with the marriage?


I jokingly said to her, that she should of given a brotha a little heads up about her laid back sexual attitude in the start of our relationship. She didn't take that too well. We have been married 12 years, and only the 1st year was it really poppin off a few times a week. I thought i was the man, because i could make her c-m like 5 times. But she says her body isn't the same as it was before. My techinique hasn't changed, i'd like to think i am better. Perhaps her perception of me has changed, i might have lost my "New King" status, and now i'm just "Old King."


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Search out some of MEM's posts about how his wife can be "neutral" (i.e. not raving anxious to have sex at any given moment but willing to be got in to it). He puts it better, I should say. My own feeling is it's pretty uncommon, but see if it resonates with you as either an explanation or a plan.


I'll try to find it. I just want her to want to make love to me, without the added quantity feeling like a chore.



Runs like Dog said:


> I tend to think that sexuality in women is almost entirely a learned behavior and not hardwired. Based on the responses here @ TAM I think I'm sufficiently right on that point. It's not about 'thinking' or 'feeling' it's about urge vs internalized system of thought. Men 'want' sex. Women 'have' sex. Resentfully, regretfully, most of the time. Not always. But it's a chore slightly less unpleasant than most chores.
> 
> Which is fine because there's plenty of things I don't exactly love to do and yet find the time to complete them. So I can appreciate the shrug and the eyeroll and the looking at the watch. But let's admit that's what's going on for the great vast majority of couples here. *Servicing the husband is like doing the laundry. Not a super wonderful thing to have to do but the alternative is piles of dirty clothes everywhere*.


See, this is the kinda stuff that can get a man to say, allright, i'll just get it from somewhere else. Nobody expects a woman to be as gung ho as a guy everytime. But like i mentioned above, i don't wanna feel like you are detached either. Because its simply not fair to us husbands, who are ignoring all the other ills of society, just to make love to the women we've vowed to spend the rest of our lives with. I see it as my job, to bring pleasure to my wife. I don't see it as a chore, i would hope she feels the same way.



deejov said:


> Some good opinons, another one to toss out there is there is still a generalization that good girls don't do it. I'm shocked to find there are women my age who don't have a healthy sense of sexuality.
> 
> I agree, it's learned and not hardwired. But it can be learned!


We may just get a book together on this.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

deejov said:


> Some good opinons, another one to toss out there is there is still a generalization that good girls don't do it. I'm shocked to find there are women my age who don't have a healthy sense of sexuality.
> 
> I agree, it's learned and not hardwired. But it can be learned!


Oh, it's learned all right...and I taught myself at a very early age, how to enjoy sex every single time. EVERY time. That, my fellow posters, it what turned me into what I am today. Insatiable, at the very least!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Candiegirl,
I have a similar disposition and frustration. A very healthy understanding of enjoyment indeed, and have never had a partner that matched my drive. That being said, I am now understanding that for the men who have been in my life, it is about showing emotions for them. It's a way of bonding. So the desire to show your emotions is only once a week at best, and if the purely physical aspect (a need) comes up, they just take care of that themselves. In my H's mind... it would be "using" me to take care of a physical need. A lifetime of conditioning, I am secure enough to go either way. Lust or love. 
Beginning of a relationship? All about lust. Lots of action going on. Guy starts to get attached? Then married? It can become about only when he is wanting to express emotions. Save the lust part for the solo shower. I guess it could be taken as a sign of respect.

Women who lose their libido? IMO, it's that they never had the lust aspect to begin with. It's more of an emotional "thing". And that is easily bruised by comments, resentments, whatever. Sad part is, they are missing out on a method to let go of whatever happened that day and relax. Lacking the ability to use sex as a way to get an emotional connection. It's a frustrating mis-match.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

deejov said:


> Candiegirl,
> I have a similar disposition and frustration. A very healthy understanding of enjoyment indeed, and have never had a partner that matched my drive. That being said, I am now understanding that for the men who have been in my life, it is about showing emotions for them. It's a way of bonding. So the desire to show your emotions is only once a week at best, and if the purely physical aspect (a need) comes up, they just take care of that themselves. In my H's mind... it would be "using" me to take care of a physical need. A lifetime of conditioning, I am secure enough to go either way. Lust or love.
> Beginning of a relationship? All about lust. Lots of action going on. Guy starts to get attached? Then married? It can become about only when he is wanting to express emotions. Save the lust part for the solo shower. I guess it could be taken as a sign of respect.
> 
> Women who lose their libido? IMO, it's that they never had the lust aspect to begin with. It's more of an emotional "thing". And that is easily bruised by comments, resentments, whatever. Sad part is, they are missing out on a method to let go of whatever happened that day and relax. Lacking the ability to use sex as a way to get an emotional connection. It's a frustrating mis-match.


I once had a partner that DID match my drive...but honestly, that's all he was good for! He was an absolute ****e boyfriend...pity, really, because he was perfect in that one aspect!

I almost had my husbannd talked into sex once a day whether we felt like it or not. It was delicious!...maybe I'll try that again, for at least a week, and see if that changes things. Right now, it's once every 3 weeks. That's not enough.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Deejov and Candiegirl:

I feel the same way that you do about the place of sex in marriage. Luckily my husband and I have equally matched drives, and we recognize the emotional satisfaction that comes from a good sex life.

I started a thread a while back titled "Women mature sexually," thinking I would get comments about how women grew in their sexuality with their husbands. The responses were along the lines of, "How dare you tell me to be more sexual with my husband? Feminists from the '60's will be rolling over in their graves!"

I guess women either have a libido or don't, but it puzzles me why they don't see that a good sex life is the glue that helps men and women overcome their differences, and helps them overlook each other's faults in a marriage.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I once had a partner that DID match my drive...but honestly, that's all he was good for! He was an absolute ****e boyfriend...pity, really, because he was perfect in that one aspect!
> 
> I almost had my husbannd talked into sex once a day whether we felt like it or not. It was delicious!...maybe I'll try that again, for at least a week, and see if that changes things. Right now, it's once every 3 weeks. That's not enough.


CandieGirl, when it's time to get back into searching for an LTR mode, I pray that I can find a woman with half the libido you have! You likely have no idea just how rare you are. If I knew your husband, I'd cane him for not trying. If it's about his health, how well does he take care of himself?

For Rob, sounds like it's time to change things up. Perhaps she has the "been there, done that" context around sex? Also you have mentioned she weighs 190# which is indicative of a big girl. How is she doing with respect to health, diet and fitness issues?


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## anonymama (Jul 24, 2011)

It's so crazy to see these responses from other women, I wish I could be the one holding the keys to the sex box. I am the one with the high drive and he's the one who accepts or rejects (rejects most of the time.) I'm starting to realize that my high drive is probably resulting more from insecurity and the yearning to perform and to feel sexy and wanted more than it is actual horniness. I admittedly ask for sex when I'm not even aroused all the time just to see if he wants it. Even with those times taken out though my drive is still way higher than most women. So I feel your pain!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
This is true and is the magic in the marriage. And equally true this goes both ways. Just as my W will relax and allow me to arouse her it is also true that I never radiate a vibe or initiate when I KNOW she is tired/sad/in a bad place mentally. And in fact when that does happen and I know for certain we won't be having sex I generally go the extra mile to be extra kind. 

I also let her off the hook gently when she offers (because she is feeling guilty) and I know she doesn't really want to. 

Best way to say this is that I try to be just as understanding and kind about her lower drive as she is about my higher drive. 

I will say this - she fully grasps that "rejecting" your partner is a BIG DEAL. So she never says 'no', but she absolutely can say "can we connect tomorrow" and she knows I will smile and say sure. 

That is NOT to say it was always this way. We had a long period of tension over frequency. I was NOT nice during that time and frankly she gets huge points for going the extra mile again and again to keep me happy. NOT proud of that. Our compromise during that part of our marriage was 80%/20% with me prevailing 80% of the time. Wish I had a time machine. Like all marriages - it isn't that simple though. It is also true that during that time I was much more the "giver" outside the bedroom. So it was kind of an 80/20, 20/80 thing. 

The thing I really, really wish is that I had read Athol Kays book MMSL 22 years ago - which is 22 years before he wrote it.






Sawney Beane said:


> Search out some of MEM's posts about how his wife can be "neutral" (i.e. not raving anxious to have sex at any given moment but willing to be got in to it). He puts it better, I should say. My own feeling is it's pretty uncommon, but see if it resonates with you as either an explanation or a plan.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Hey a lot of men think about sex every day but don't expect it 3-4 times a week. With 3 kids, you're being unreasonable. I would aim for 1-2 times per week and she may be more receptive if you get more reasonable.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Zzyzx said:


> CandieGirl, when it's time to get back into searching for an LTR mode, I pray that I can find a woman with half the libido you have! You likely have no idea just how rare you are. If I knew your husband, I'd cane him for not trying. If it's about his health, how well does he take care of himself?
> 
> For Rob, sounds like it's time to change things up. Perhaps she has the "been there, done that" context around sex? Also you have mentioned she weighs 190# which is indicative of a big girl. How is she doing with respect to health, diet and fitness issues?


Rare? If I am to believe many of the ladies on this forum, we are quite plentiful! Lol...

H's health...yes, a bit of a hypochondriac, I'm afraid. Not extreme, but he always seems to have a touch of something...What he really does have is high blood pressure, and recently started medication. So he's very tired all the time now. A side effect.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Bobby5000 said:


> Hey a lot of men think about sex every day but don't expect it 3-4 times a week. With 3 kids, you're being unreasonable. I would aim for 1-2 times per week and she may be more receptive if you get more reasonable.


3-4 times would be great, but like i said in my intro, i know that's not happening. To me once a week... is unreasonable. So 2-3x i'd be happy.

Like i've said in other threads, a husband shouldn't feel like he is asking for too much to make love to the woman he's vowed to spend the rest of his life with.


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

I admit I didn't read every post in this thread, but something that doesn't appear to have been mentioned: a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!! Not only do they physically prevent pregnancy, they can (in some women) completely kill their sex drive too. It's an easy fix if that's the issue - well worth looking into.

As far as the issue of compromising with your partner - in my relationship, sex is always a negotiation. We have differing needs and have discussed what each of us needs from the relationship. There's no "schedule" or expected minimum, but both of us are aware of where the other is coming from and do our best to accommodate each other.

If you really want to be in a relationship with your partner, the HD person has to learn how to make do with less and accept that to the LD person it will be a "chore" to some degree. The LD person has to learn how to get themselves in the mood when they're not, and not let their partner feel like it's a chore for them.

Relationships are all compromise, all the time.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

canjad80 said:


> I admit I didn't read every post in this thread, but something that doesn't appear to have been mentioned: a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!! Not only do they physically prevent pregnancy, they can (in some women) completely kill their sex drive too. It's an easy fix if that's the issue - well worth looking into.
> 
> As far as the issue of compromising with your partner - in my relationship, sex is always a negotiation. We have differing needs and have discussed what each of us needs from the relationship. There's no "schedule" or expected minimum, but both of us are aware of where the other is coming from and do our best to accommodate each other.
> 
> ...


Off the pill for about 6 years now. That's how we had our Oops... 3rd child. We thought that was it too, that's why we stopped.

I sometimes wonder if she ever, truly was into s#x... ever. Just did it because it was espected of her.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

canjad80 said:


> a major culprit for causing low libido in women is birth control pills!!


I think an even bigger culprit for causing a low libido in women is marriage.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

MrK said:


> I think an even bigger culprit for causing a low libido in women is marriage.


Starting to think the same thing.
Girls in college, many, many on the pill don't seem to be have a problem getting their swerve on.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Starting to think the same thing.
> Girls in college, many, many on the pill don't seem to be have a problem getting their swerve on.


They also are young and carefree (and well, often immature) - they are without the hormonal challenges and baggage that women get to have so much fun with as we have children and age and they are often without the kinds of responsibilities (jobs, kids, households, family, husbands  ) that a wife has to deal with. Ahhh - to be young and carefree again!

Don't let yourself start to go down some kind of slippery slope of cynicism and bitterness, though. It won't help you or your marriage at all. Bootstraps, man! Reach down, and pull yourself up by them.

You know Rob, more and more I'm convinced that women especially are profoundly affected by not only their emotional relationship with their husband, but also the amount of stress and contributing fatigue they have in their lives. In my own life, I have found that stress and its first cousin fatigue have had a grave impact on my libido.

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?

I honestly just think we fill our lives with way too many things (including expectations that we should be doing this or we should have that) and we don't take time out anymore to just 'smell the roses'.

If you and your wife are like that, then maybe you should look in to how you could get back to a simpler, slower pace so that you can actually concentrate on each other more.

Best wishes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A woman's libido revolves around her plotting to get you think about her libido.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> They also are young and carefree (and well, often immature) - they are without the hormonal challenges and baggage that women get to have so much fun with as we have children and age and they are often without the kinds of responsibilities (jobs, kids, households, family, husbands  ) that a wife has to deal with. Ahhh - to be young and carefree again!
> 
> Don't let yourself start to go down some kind of slippery slope of cynicism and bitterness, though. It won't help you or your marriage at all. Bootstraps, man! Reach down, and pull yourself up by them.
> 
> ...


Honstly, i was just having a bit of fun and a laugh. I'm not really bitter per se at this point. I know i want sex more, but there is very little i can do about it at this point. If there was some magical "fix" that solved everyone's problem, then that person who came up with the fix would be rich. 

I try focus in on other things of our marriage, and just hope and pray that things change. If they don't ... i'll just have to live with it and adjust.


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