# Sexless marriage for three years....



## Allison2010 (Aug 26, 2010)

It is not easy asking for advice of such a personal nature but I am desperate for help and am very close to seeking therapy. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. He is fourty and I am thirty years old. We have a three-year old daughter who we absolutely adore. My partner and I get along great and we love each other very much. The only problem is that we have not been intimate for three years....THREE YEARS! 

Neither of us has been with anyone outside our marriage - ever. I am more interested in being intimate more so than my husband. He is a little self-conscious about his weight which is not a problem to me. I still think he looks like a stud. He says he finds me sexy and attractive but that's about it. I have become so hurt, frustrated, and hopeless. I feel akward asking my husband to make love to me. Isn't it usually the other way around? I wonder if we will ever have sex again. What should I do?


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## star71 (Jul 20, 2010)

I can understand your feelings about your issue. Wow, three years is too long. When my H and I get too busy with life's other responsibilities, we do tend to forget about being intimate. Well, I realized that I am married to him so I initiated sex instead why not, better initiate it to him than finding someone else. He actually found it exciting and makes him smile.
So, try it out and see how it goes.

If you need therapy, try marriage counseling or sex therapy just a suggestion.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Wow... three years is a long time. My husband and I have been married for a year, and when we experience intimacy problems, ohh he hears it. If we have sex once a week, I consider that a problem. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Does he blame his insecurities about his weight for his lack of intimacy? I strongly consider going to a therapist so that you both can discuss your feelings. Sex is a big part of a marriage because it keeps a husband and wife close. I honestly think if I didn't have sex for three years with my husband, I probably would have left. This is because I need to be intimate with my husband. It makes me feel loved and it makes me feel really close to him. I would definitely tell him how you feel and that you hope he will go to counseling with you.
Also, you should initiate sex with your husband if you are in the mood. I know that when I am in the mood, then I initiate it with my husband. Do you know if he is looking at porn without you knowing? I know my husband was doing that behind my back and as a result, he stopped becoming interested in having sex with me because he enjoyed having his own fantasy world. Hope some of my advice helps and I hope he agrees to going to counseling. You deserve to be happy and he should be willing to meet your needs. Good luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Allison,
I would schedule a doctor's appointment immediately. It could be he has very low testosterone. It involves a blood test. Going 3 years without sex is not normal for either of you. If this is what is going on it is totally fixable with medication. 
Does he drink too much? Has he been diagnosed with depression? Those are all things that could contribute to his low sex drive. 
Now THIS is a personal question....is he able to get erections?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What was he like before this long dry spell? Did he ever have a high drive? What do you think "changed" to cause him to shut down? Did anything happen around the time his desire level started dropping?

Does he wake up "hard"



Allison2010 said:


> It is not easy asking for advice of such a personal nature but I am desperate for help and am very close to seeking therapy. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. He is fourty and I am thirty years old. We have a three-year old daughter who we absolutely adore. My partner and I get along great and we love each other very much. The only problem is that we have not been intimate for three years....THREE YEARS!
> 
> Neither of us has been with anyone outside our marriage - ever. I am more interested in being intimate more so than my husband. He is a little self-conscious about his weight which is not a problem to me. I still think he looks like a stud. He says he finds me sexy and attractive but that's about it. I have become so hurt, frustrated, and hopeless. I feel akward asking my husband to make love to me. Isn't it usually the other way around? I wonder if we will ever have sex again. What should I do?


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## Allison2010 (Aug 26, 2010)

Thanks for the comments Brennan. My husband is not depressed and does not drink excessively. He is able to have erections as I have caught him maturbating to porn. He told me he masturbates at least 1-2 times per week.


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## Allison2010 (Aug 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> What was he like before this long dry spell? Did he ever have a high drive? What do you think "changed" to cause him to shut down? Did anything happen around the time his desire level started dropping?
> 
> Does he wake up "hard"


Hello Mem11363....Before the dry spell we were intimate at least 3 times per month. I think the stress from work, finances, and my husbands weight gain really put the damper on our sex life. And yes, the other day he woke up hard so I am pretty sure he does not have ED.


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## Allison2010 (Aug 26, 2010)

Breeze, thanks for the comments and suggestions. Its been such a long time I feel like a virgin again! One member referred to witholding sex in a marriage as abuse. The void and neglect of lack of intimacy does feel like abuse. If we are not intimate soon I think we never will be again. We both want more kids one day but that's hard to imagine if we don't "practice" . I never thought something like this could ruin a marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Allison,
As a 47 year old man I will give you a male viewpoint on porn. It is very toxic to a marriage for a man not to give his wife the "right of first refusal" regarding sexual activity. If her drive is a lot less and he uses porn as a coping mechanism that is one thing. But if he ignores her needs and instead selfishly takes care of himself at her expense, that is very wrong. 

Have you sat him down and told him that you genuinely love him, are attracted to him and feel rejected by his behavior? If so, what does he say?



Allison2010 said:


> Breeze, thanks for the comments and suggestions. Its been such a long time I feel like a virgin again! One member referred to witholding sex in a marriage as abuse. The void and neglect of lack of intimacy does feel like abuse. If we are not intimate soon I think we never will be again. We both want more kids one day but that's hard to imagine if we don't "practice" . I never thought something like this could ruin a marriage.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's no accident that the dry spell happened with the birth of your child.

Not defending the dry spell, but it is a known phenomenon for some men to be put off with the idea of having sex with the mother of their child.

Look into that as a factor. It is repairable.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Can't relate at all!! He needs help of some sort.......I haven't waited more than 5 weeks since I was 15 yrs old......I can't imagine being married and not having intercourse without some very obvious reason.

Like coma......hope it works out.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Ok its great that you want it ..its the other way in my relationship, anyway try this... get a baby sitter and have the house to ur selfs and seduce him now try diffrent stuff!!!!!! if u always started with a bj end with it routine is a killer atleast in my world, get a toy for you nothing bigger than him( if hes having body issues) and have him walk in on you having fun then make him join you, at most important dont make it the same old sh*t be creative and if this works for you call my wife


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my question for the OP is, have you always wanted it or was there ever any extended period of time in your marriage where you didnt want it, and now you do?

i can only speak for myself here and i'm not saying its the case for anyone else, but my wifes drive has been like a roller coaster over our 25 years together, and it gets confusing and is also a turnoff.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If he is masturbating to porn, his sex drive is still there. One of the biggest differences between a roommate and a spouse is sexual intimacy! I notice 3 years is when sex stopped and also your child's age. Did it ever resume after your daughter was born? Some men have issues with looking at their wife as a mother not a wife after a child is born and have issues with intimacy. Could this be a factor? If he insists it is not, have you tried initiating or are you waiting for him? Being self conscious is pretty common, especially among women, but most men's sex drive is strong enough to look past their insecurities.


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## 101desperation (Sep 2, 2010)

You need to totally seduce him. Take the initiative and get him turned on. If he totally rejects you, then talk to him about sex therapist counseling. If he's not interested in that, I think you need to look further into the fact of whether or not he's having a affair. If you get nowhere with him, leave him. That's no way to live.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I know you have this idea of the man always being the sexual aggressor, but he's having some issues right now and sounds like he could use your help. I think even if I was in ICU with one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel, if my wife got that look in her eye and seriously came onto me, I'd have to just go for it.


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## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

You need to tell him to quit masterbating and have sex with you. Why would a man want to do himself instead of having it with his wife? Most men want sex. Maybe something else is wrong with him too.


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## file (Oct 7, 2010)

I have been married over 20 years and it will be 14 years now that we have not had sex.. Except for 3 failed attemps along the way. He says I'm hot and he loves me with all his heart and he has had no out side sex. He does use porn alot and says it works! I told him I did not want him to use porn, so he hides it. Not very well! We talk and he says he wants what we had / A great sex life! The best for both of us. But he does'nt know how to get it back. I told him I don't know if I can forgive and forget to get it back. I'm at a total loss and have given up. I feel if the right man came into my life I would leave my husband.


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## HeavenSent (Oct 7, 2010)

I know what you mean here​I first want to tell you, it is not right that you, would even have too ask for your husband to make love to you. I know how you are feeling there- I have been there so many times and my love life has also went way down hill and have been this way for a very long time. We also have been the same as you and your husband neither one of us have ever cheated and never will. We, know the meaning of true love. Anyway, have you tried talking with your husband and telling him you are feeling- and have you tried anything new with him to try to get him into wanting to make more love?​
Also, I want to tell you​I know you're very much in love with your husband and you really showed that just by telling us- you love him by the way he is- which is very true and that is true love. You, keep on letting him know you find him good looking and his weight does not bother you. More he feels like he is handsome the better he will feel...​


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## soalone (Oct 6, 2010)

This is very similar to my post, only the longest we've gone is 18 months. But that was once in 18 months on each side, so only once in 36 months. 
I tried everything I could think of, seducing him, taking care of myself thinking he would want to watch, to begging him for some. Let me tell you how low that can make a wife feel at that point. I personally ended up going somewhere else after he told me to find somebody else to do me cuz he wasn't going to. 
But we have the same issue with the porn, etc. Although he has cut back on that about 98%, but it didn't change much.


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## OpenMindedGuy (Oct 8, 2010)

Hi Allison, I must agree with the advice given that the 1st port of call be that he get examined by a Dr. It could that the problem stems from low testorone levels, a problematic thyroid or any other number of medical conditions including heart disease. 

He could very well have no medical condition, it could simply be bad lifestyle choices. Does he smoke? Is he very tired a lot of the time? Does he exercise? How healthy is his diet? All these could be contributing factors to his sense of well-being.

Have you tried giving him oral sex or masturbating together? That should get the mood going.


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