# Would you care if your SO...



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Ok, being in a relationship for almost a year, my SO has this "duty" to financially support his ex to the extreme. I have always been a bit insecure about his "relaitonship" with his ex wife, but I am a lot better as we have discussed it quite a bit in the last couple of months....I get it, he has a very good relationship with his ex, good friends etc. Just because mine with my ex is meh most of the time doesn't mean others can.

Ok, this leads me to my question, he basically caters to most of her needs STILL after a year and a half. She apparently never asks for money, yet he gives her quite a bit. I never say anything about it, it's really none of my business. I guess he wants her to have whatever she wants, and he says it doesn't affect him financially. But I'm thinking that she should be able to support herself somewhat, they have 50% custody.

I just think she really gets to live like a married woman still even though she ended the marriage, nothing has changed for her. The other day he gave her money for a birthday gift for her sister??? WTF?

I guess it would bother me if we ever moved in together (not for a very long time, and not even discussed at this point) and it affected our own financial situation.

Should I even care??

I think it irks me because I myself have had to support my kids and I since my ex left, and I feel like she gets a free ride. It really has nothing to do with the relationship.

P.S. He's generous with me.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

There is being friends, and there is awkward behavior. 

I am trying to spin it as friends. Like an "oh pitch 5 bucks in to put my name on it to" type of spin. 

Also 50% custody doesn't mean that child support is or is not owed either way. So not so sure about that. 

It does go against a lot of people general creedo here. I guess, as long as he isn't putting his ex-wife finances & yours before his then he can do what he wants with his money. 

But on the surface yeah it sounds awkward.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

If you're simply dating at this point, there's not a lot you can say. If you do decide to get more serious, you will have to set a boundary from minute one. If I were in your shoes, I would not be comfortable with such a relationship.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That would bother me yes.

He's still emotionally invested otherwise why give her money?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I have to agree it is "awkward".

I have to say that he has come a long way from the time we met. I shouldn't have dated him back then, he wasn't ready for a relationship even though he had put himself on a dating site in the category "looking for a relationship". I really think he wanted to make his ex wife jealous at the time. But that's different now, he professes to love me, and has demonstrated this through his actions. He tells me that he is not attracted to her any longer, and that he is happy with our relationship.

There's just a few things that sting every so often. For instance I have posted in the past that he has "family dinners" with his ex, which I am fine with now, although they tend to have them a couple of times a week, then last week they were at a dinner party together with a mutual friend. That really hit a nerve. I live over an hour away, so it's not like I can attend during the week, and I have my children during that time, so I get left out of a few things. He kind of justifies the things they do as that they wish to remain good friends and that's it. He's open about everything, but it doesn't necessarily make it right. 

He's a great guy in so many ways, helps everyone, is generous with others, but I don't really think he has completely detatched from his ex wife emotionally. He looks to her for a lot of support with the kids, and I understand that since he's now a single father.

It's definately gotten better during the year, so I have seen a lot of progression, just a bit slower than others I suppose. He's still friends with an ex girlfriend from when he was in his 20's, totally platonic, and she's a great person. IDK, he has trouble looking like the bad guy, some insecurities I guess.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> If you're simply dating at this point, there's not a lot you can say. If you do decide to get more serious, you will have to set a boundary from minute one. If I were in your shoes, I would not be comfortable with such a relationship.


That's my problem, I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and really? what good would it do even if we lived together and I were to say I was uncomfortable with certain things? It's still his children, and he wants to maintain a good relationship with his ex, and wants his children to see that. I wouldn't change that I don't think.

His ex wife just ended a relationship for this reason her b/f was jeolous of her friendship with my SO. I kind of chuckled at this, and thought, "well, the next guy is going to think the same thing", so basically, I'm sitting back and waiting for the next guy to realize it's over stepping boundaries, and then I don't have to say or do anything....lol. I don't look like the jealous girlfriend.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

working_together said:


> That's my problem, I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and really? what good would it do even if we lived together and I were to say I was uncomfortable with certain things? It's still his children, and he wants to maintain a good relationship with his ex, and wants his children to see that. I wouldn't change that I don't think.
> 
> His ex wife just ended a relationship for this reason her b/f was jeolous of her friendship with my SO. I kind of chuckled at this, and thought, "well, the next guy is going to think the same thing", so basically, I'm sitting back and waiting for the next guy to realize it's over stepping boundaries, and then I don't have to say or do anything....lol. I don't look like the jealous girlfriend.


You didn't say this before. 

It's official to say this is a step more then awkward. This isn't jealousy. This is border-lining the "more then just friends" territory. 

You have two choices. Put a boundary and it possibly end the relationship. Wait for the next guy, and see if it continues happening. Maybe they will both get the hint?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

working_together said:


> That's my problem, I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and really? what good would it do even if we lived together and I were to say I was uncomfortable with certain things? It's still his children, and he wants to maintain a good relationship with his ex, and wants his children to see that. I wouldn't change that I don't think.
> 
> His ex wife just ended a relationship for this reason her b/f was jeolous of her friendship with my SO. I kind of chuckled at this, and thought, "well, the next guy is going to think the same thing", so basically, I'm sitting back and waiting for the next guy to realize it's over stepping boundaries, and then I don't have to say or do anything....lol. I don't look like the jealous girlfriend.


You , her boyfriend and the next boyfriend or girlfriend will all say the same thing because you all see the same thing. It's not truly over. Physically moving on doesn't mean they are done . They obviously aren't . This is beyond being friendly, cordial and doing what's right for the kids . They can't/won't fully detach from each other. So, are you really just going to wait around, swallow your hurt and hope some guy comes along to put a stop to it so you don't look jealous for stating the obvious. Will that will really make you feel better? Or will you decide you won't settle for being settled for because You are fantastic and it's his loss?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Dinner together A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK?!? For real?


YOU should be reading some books on being more assertive, setting healthy boundaries, etc. YOU have plenty of work to do on YOU. If you're accepting this kind of ridiculous behavior because YOU have trouble being perceived as mean/jealous/not understanding, then I don't think YOU should be dating until you can stick up for yourself in a responsible adult manner.

I'm not trying to pick on you, just trying to point out that "waiting" for the next BF to point out inappropriate behavior in the "hopes" that it will stop is NOT acting in your own best interest. It looks like sitting in the victim chair from over here...this is just "happening to" you, but it doesn't have to!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Get out now. You are screwed if you decide it bothers you a lot later because you went in knowing about this. 

She was there before you and I bet he would choose her over you if you put it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> There's just a few things that sting every so often. For instance I have posted in the past that he has "family dinners" with his ex,
> *
> This makes no sense to me at all. *
> 
> ...


You are being too nice for sure. Yes you need boundaries. But you need to feel like you deserve better than this.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I'm not a passive participant in this relationship, I'm just an easy going person, and maybe a conflict avoider to an extent.

I have brought up the way I have felt on two occasions, the more serious being this past Summer when I said I will not be on the bottom of his priority list, and when he began to justify, I stood my ground. Since then things improved dramatically, he knows he has it good with me. But the "dinnners" during the week I feel are a bit much, maybe once ever two weeks, but a couple of times a week is excessive.

I guess the bottom line is that he is somewhat emotionally attached to her, and it has an impact on our relationship progressing or moving foward. And I think he has trouble distinguishing doing things for his ex that helps his kids, and stuff that is for her that other people should do for her.

Would he go back to her? nah, I doubt it, he's told me that he realizes he had lost the connection with her, wasn't happy sexually, and that he considers her a good friend and nothing more. She's not a topic in our conversations except when he does dumb things, so he's not pining over her. But like every other person after divorce, there needs to be healing. I just won't accept the excessive stuff. 

I guess I look for the good in people because I'm just a freakin' tree huggin social worker.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You are being too nice for sure. Yes you need boundaries. But you need to feel like you deserve better than this.


I know he's divorced, I've been to his ex's to drop something off to her. Everyone in his life has met me as his g/f, there are no secrets, basically he's got a bit of work to do in detaching from her.

I guess I'd throw it all away if we didn't get along so well, and enjoyed the same things, same values (except when it comes to ex's lol).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> I know he's divorced, I've been to his ex's to drop something off to her. Everyone in his life has met me as his g/f, there are no secrets, basically he's got a bit of work to do in detaching from her.
> 
> I guess I'd throw it all away if we didn't get along so well, and enjoyed the same things, same values (except when it comes to ex's lol).


Only you can assert your boundaries. You have to decide what they are. One does not just detach from someone. They are emotionally bonded again and the odds are this will get even closer. 

Her losing her BF really is a red flag. In more ways than one. It is very possible they have a FWB policy. Who knows? Hopefully not.

Instigation -- they are together often
Isolation -- you are not with him often
Escalation -- she no longer has a BF because of the relationship. Guess what this infers?

I do suggest you guys figure out a way to live together and see each other often. You need to bond with him. He is bonding with his ex.

He is meeting his EX sneeds and not yours. Try reading His Needs Her Needs.

Why did they break up?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry - I'm on board with the rest. I think you need a serious sit-down chat. 

Right now it is not super serious so you voice your brief concern, set a few boundaries and let a lot go.

Where do you see this relationship going? Is it too soon to be visualizing what it would be like if you lived together? Would he still leave you at home to go have dinner with the kids or would the kids come to your house or maybe everyone goes out together? Know what will be acceptable to you long term and voice it.

I think it's wonderful that their divorce is not contentious but it does border on "not over yet". I agree that eventually some guy will say enough to her having the ex over but part of growing up is learning to do you own dirty work. 

BTW Holland is probably the closest to this type of relationship with her ex - might be worth getting her opinion.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Only you can assert your boundaries. You have to decide what they are. One does not just detach from someone. They are emotionally bonded again and the odds are this will get even closer.
> 
> Her losing her BF really is a red flag. In more ways than one. It is very possible they have a FWB policy. Who knows? Hopefully not.
> 
> ...


We only see each other on the weekends, so yeah, it's difficult to really bond. The major problem is our distance, I just can't pop over there for dinner. 

She ended the marriage, she was basically a WAW. Then she started dating her ex b/f two weeks later....hmmmm


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

2galsmom said:


> Let it go. Let it go.
> 
> Family dinners or candlelit dinners for two?
> 
> Would you prefer a man who is a creep to his ex? Guess who's next . . .


They don't spend time alone, the kids are always there. And I respect that he's a decent guy to his ex, but sometimes it's overboard, like giving her money to buy her sister a gift, not from him, from her.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Sorry - I'm on board with the rest. I think you need a serious sit-down chat.
> 
> Right now it is not super serious so you voice your brief concern, set a few boundaries and let a lot go.
> 
> ...


I don't know where I see this relationship going, yes, it's been a year, but we don't do any future talk. I can't just pack up and move, he knows this, so he doesn't bring it up. He can't either since he's in a shared custody agreement, it's too far to travel for him. We're probably in a situation where we will not live together for a long time, maybe in a couple of years if I decide to move up to his place, it's the country though, and I'm a city girl, I cringe at that.

Yeah, I need to do my own dirty work....lol. Definately I would be ok if we lived together and he did the occasional family dinner with his ex, OCCASIONAL.

My biggest worry now is that his ex is single, and they have spent more time together since she ended her relationship. I also know she is envious of his relationship with me (not in a mean way), and wishes he had done some of those things with her.

But, on the other hand, I don't think she wants him back, she lives a pretty good life.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Then you just have to try to trust that if she makes some moves on him that he is over her and is just really good guy to want to take care of his ex and kids. And since any cohabitation is such a long way off, the kids would be older, she may be in a relationship by then... too many unknowns too far out - something to keep an eye on but sounds like these things might resolve themselves over time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> We only see each other on the weekends, so yeah, it's difficult to really bond. The major problem is our distance, I just can't pop over there for dinner.
> 
> She ended the marriage, she was basically a WAW. Then she started dating her ex b/f two weeks later....hmmmm


So fix the distance first. You are losing the battle right now to the ex.

Life is about choices. You only seeing him on the weekend gives him the excuse to date his ex.

And it does not need to be a candle light dinner for it to be a problem. The binding in a family setting with her is more powerful than the candles. 

If she was a WAW then realize she may decide she wants her husband back. Maybe only as a FWB. He has not let her go. Right now you are sharing him with her way beyond what it needs to be.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> I don't know where I see this relationship going, yes, it's been a year, but we don't do any future talk. I can't just pack up and move, he knows this, so he doesn't bring it up. He can't either since he's in a shared custody agreement, it's too far to travel for him. We're probably in a situation where we will not live together for a long time, maybe in a couple of years if I decide to move up to his place, it's the country though, and I'm a city girl, I cringe at that.
> 
> Yeah, I need to do my own dirty work....lol. Definately I would be ok if we lived together and he did the occasional family dinner with his ex, OCCASIONAL.
> 
> ...


So what are you getting out of this relationship? Realize he is probably using you as leverage with her. He is cake eating.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

working_together said:


> That's my problem, I'm not very good at setting boundaries, and really? what good would it do even if we lived together and I were to say I was uncomfortable with certain things? It's still his children, and he wants to maintain a good relationship with his ex, and wants his children to see that. I wouldn't change that I don't think.
> 
> *His ex wife just ended a relationship for this reason her b/f was jeolous of her friendship with my SO. * I kind of chuckled at this, and thought, "well, the next guy is going to think the same thing", so basically, I'm sitting back and waiting for the next guy to realize it's over stepping boundaries, and then I don't have to say or do anything....lol. I don't look like the jealous girlfriend.


THIS should tell you something. My ex kissed his first wife's a$$ the same way your SO is doing, and he divorced me to go back to her.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think everyone is being too generous.

This doesn't warrant a sit down chat, this is ODD behavior. I'd just cut and run.

It's not his actions, it's where his heart is at. Obviously he still feels the need to care for her. You could tell him you're concerned with his behavior and he may stop giving her money, but that won't make him feel differently about the situation.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

COguy said:


> I think everyone is being too generous.
> 
> This doesn't warrant a sit down chat, this is ODD behavior. I'd just cut and run.
> 
> *It's not his actions, it's where his heart is at.* *Obviously he still feels the need to care for her. You could tell him you're concerned with his behavior and he may stop giving her money, but that won't make him feel differently about the situation.*


Exactly right!

He is not talking about a future with you or looking to bridge the distance between you because it suits him the the way it is. I highly doubt he would even entertain the notion of living together or that you could even influence him much in terms of his behavior with his ex...maybe just enough to keep you around. But like coguy said, even if you could it doesnt change where his heart is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that he is still emotionally attached to his ex. 

The family dinners with the children twice a week are one thing. But going to a dinner party together (without the children)?

He's dating his ex and helping her financially.

I would not wan to date a guy who is this involved with an ex. Why compete with her. She's gonna win because he's never detached from her.

Why date a guy who is like this only to have to tell him later, if things get more serious between you two, that you will not go to the next level unless he stops supporting her, dating her, having family dinners, etc? 

if he wants to do these things, it's his choice. I just would not be part of it.

I know of people who are able to handle ex's being part of their social life. One of my brothers and his wife always have their ex's over (children are involved) at every holiday and big family event. But then again they are not support the ex's.

It's of course up to you. But it would have to be a very rare situation before I'd accept this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

COguy said:


> I think everyone is being too generous.
> 
> This doesn't warrant a sit down chat, this is ODD behavior. I'd just cut and run.
> 
> *It's not his actions*, it's where his heart is at. Obviously he still feels the need to care for her. You could tell him you're concerned with his behavior and he may stop giving her money, but that won't make him feel differently about the situation.


It is said that actions speak louder than words. His actions show where his heart is.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

inarut said:


> Exactly right!
> 
> He is not talking about a future with you or looking to bridge the distance between you because it suits him the the way it is. I highly doubt he would even entertain the notion of living together or that you could even influence him much in terms of his behavior with his ex...maybe just enough to keep you around. But like coguy said, even if you could it doesnt change where his heart is.


good point.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I have to agree that he's cake eating. 

He gets certain needs met by his ex wife, and others by me. She's much younger than us and requires a lot of support from him, both emotionally and financially. He' knows I'm independent, level headed, but I think he enjoys "taking care" of her, it fills some sort of need, be it damsel in distress thing.

The no future talk puzzles me, I think he likes seeing me on the weekends, the time a part keeps the passion alive I guess. And I don't want to live with him at this point, I like my life where I am.

And I won't even get into the family vacation topic.....lol

I guess I could manage some of the bull, as long as it doesn't affect or intrude on our relationship. But sometimes not knowing where his heart lies can be difficult, even after he tells me he loves me, I'm beautiful etc. 

I can't change who I am, and ultimately, I can't change where his heart lies, or if he does go back to her. I can't predict any of these things. I can only compare to how it was when we met, and where we are now, and I have seen the progress. So, we'll see over time.

Maybe he's just my rebound guy and that's why I'm ok with some of the stuff, in the end I know the likelyhood that it will work out is minimal. Blah...enjoy the moment


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If he was in a situation where both of you were offering him wild sex for the night no strings attached, which one of you do think he'd take up on the offer?

If he was in a situation where both of you needed his shoulder to cry on due to a big loss, who would he give his shoulder to?

He sounds like he's not with her as her husband only because she didn't want him to be.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Having you as a weekend girlfriend isn't really sufficient enough for him to change his life. You are not there all of the time so he can do as he pleases. But do can you. 

Since he also knows you aren't moving to be with him and perhaps don't seem like you want to at all maybe he thinks the current arrangement is good enough. 

I wonder why you want a weekend boyfriend? He might be your rebound. But he is also not a commitment for you and vice versa. 

Have you thought about dating other men? 

You aren't crazy about him. You seem to like him. If you are just killing time together and you are ok with it have fun. If you feel he is holding you back from finding someone who fits your wants and needs better you might want to talk to him about seeing other people. He essentially does this now. Why can't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If he was in a situation where both of you were offering him wild sex for the night no strings attached, which one of you do think he'd take up on the offer?
> 
> If he was in a situation where both of you needed his shoulder to cry on due to a big loss, who would he give his shoulder to?
> 
> He sounds like he's not with her as her husband only because she didn't want him to be.


Like I said, he's not sexually attracted to her, I know this for sure, and he wouldn't do the no strings attached thing with anyone, he's not like that, but if it came down to choice, he'd choose me, he's mentioned he loves the chemistry with me. 

The shoulder to cry on is a little more difficult, not sure at this point. They share a history, and I know he feels a lot of guilt over his children not having their parents together, and he doesn't want them to suffer. A year ago I saw this clearly, now, he's more adjusted to the whole single dad thing.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Having you as a weekend girlfriend isn't really sufficient enough for him to change his life. You are not there all of the time so he can do as he pleases. But do can you.
> 
> Since he also knows you aren't moving to be with him and perhaps don't seem like you want to at all maybe he thinks the current arrangement is good enough.
> 
> ...


I dated a two guys before I met him, they were only casual, as I wasn't ready for anything serious. When I met the current guy, I really liked him, we shared a lot of similarities. The passion wasn't there at the beginning, he was really holding back, lacking the trust he needed for a relationship, and so was I. In the last couple of months, he's really changed for the better, it's like he's come into himself, and accepted that he's single. I am devoted to him for sure, but I worry that it won't work, so I don't get completely invested.

By far, it is a much healthier relationship than with my exh, and I am in a better place.

I won't date others at this point. It's hard to be vulnerable in a relationship, I went through so much with my ex, and I never want to go down that road again.


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