# Trust after telling lies



## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

I have been married for a very short time . My wife and I have been together for about 3 years and friends for longer. In the beginning as we were getting to know each other I told her some lies about my past because I never wanted to talk about them. After time the truth came out and it was tough issue to deal with because she felt I broke her trust. We have been working on things and it has been hard for me to be forthcoming about things with her, not all things just about work and anything with money. Recently I told her about some money I would receive from work and we really needed it, however it fell through and I told her but not right away . This caused a problem and it hurt her . She is out of town visiting her family ( trip was planned before this) and she isn't speaking to me now. Says she is tired of not knowing anything and is hurt and worried that I can't stop lying or that I can't be open with her no matter what. 

The obvious fix is to be truthful and on most thing it's easy. But I have aways had a hard time with money or talking about it, but I don't want my wife hurt or for this to be the one stupid thing that ruins our marriage. We are good and easy and this shouldn't be the thing that gets in our way. Thoughts?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Take a course or get some therapy or something to help you be more open. Involve your wife as much as you can. Make a vow to her to be truthful - do a ceremony or something for it even, especially if you guys are into that kind of thing.

Time is the only thing that can mend this, so both of you have to be patient. During this time you will have to be EXTREMELY honest with her. Be more honest with her than she perhaps even wants.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Where does your hang-up about talking about financial matters and money come from? Is it an insecurity? Is it something you learned from your parents? Do you feel she is critical when you tell her something about your finances? Is it an ego thing where you dont' want to look like a failure if things aren't going as well financially as you would like?

Do you two agree on finances and spending, approach to saving? Have you sat down together and gone over all your accounts, income vs. spend, amounts to save, etc.?

Money and financial matters are a huge component of life and living, single or as a couple. It gets even more complicated when you are a couple. You will need to have countless discussions about money over the course of your lifetime, so getting comfortable discussing these things together and making decisions together will be a very big part of being able to make your marriage work.

Also, consider how insecure and out of control she feels when you keep things from her about your joint finances. It must be very unsettling to her to not know that you'll tell her something important. It's like, she might wonder if you could go into a massive financial hole and she'd never know until someone comes to repo the car. She might wonder when some shoe will drop that she knew nothing about. 

You two are on the same team, so you can't be hiding things from her. YOU have to trust HER that you can tell her anything and everything. If you're having trouble talking with her about money, either try marriage counseling to deal with your trust issue, and hers, or a financial planner who can help talk both of you through the money stuff, or both.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

A lot of my problems comes from ego and having a huge fear that she won't accept the situation at hand. I feel at time I am not good enough or man enough, and I get worried. Crazy to think that but it's always about financial issues


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bguy said:


> A lot of my problems comes from ego and having a huge fear that she won't accept the situation at hand. I feel at time I am not good enough or man enough, and I get worried. Crazy to think that but it's always about financial issues


You need to tell her about your fear. I have often found that the things I am afraid of tend to not be all that serious if I get in front of them and put it out there myself. For example, if I've screwed up at work, the first thing I do is call my manager and tell her. People LOVE it when you tell them about a problem rather than waiting until it all blows up and they are blindsided that there is even a problem much less have had any time to work on fixing it. _As they say, the cover-up is often worse than the crime._

You might be surprised that this burden is actually lifted when you bring her into this and start to see that she _will _accept the situation if she understand the complete financial picture you two are working with. You might also be surprised to find she's willing to roll her sleeves up and help find a solution if one is needed. You have to make her a part of the picture rather than being left out in the cold. Finance is not all on you - she can help even if she doesn't have a job just by managing household expenses better (maybe she doesn't really need HBO and can get some household stuff cheaper from Amazon or by using coupons or whatever). You are a TEAM.

As much as you worry about her not accepting things, she is worrying about not knowing important things because this is her life, too.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

That's true , hate the fact that she is hurt and worried and I don't want to be the reason for it. I love her very much and don't love this. She is out of town and we have only talked a few times because I know she just wants to enjoy her trip.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

When she gets back, just talk to her calmly and openly. Tell her about your fears regarding finances, explain that you understand why she's worried and distrustful, but that you intend to be an open book about money starting now, and ask her to help you with family finances. Then suggest a time you two can sit down together so you can explain everything now, and so she can be a part of all financial matters in the future. 

You have to sometimes make yourself a little vulnerable to build trust and develop a relationship that lasts a lifetime. Lots of people have trouble being vulnerable in relationships, but sharing your vulnerabilities and failures along with your joys and triumphs is how emotional intimacy develops over time.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

You say you told her lies about your past because you didn't want to talk about them.

I'm sorry but you're being dishonest at least with yourself and probably with us when you say such a thing because it doesn't make any sense.

If you don't want to talk about something you say "This is not a matter I chose to discuss" you don't go and make a bunch of stuff up. 

Well you do but it's because there's something driving you towards dishonesty when it's not necessary.

Usually such lying is based on deep insecurities. Explore this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The LYING has to stop... when I meet anyone who I catch in a lie.. something changes in me.. I then see them as the "little boy who cried wolf".. I don't solidly trust anything that comes out of their mouth from that time on... it's a guessing game.. If you want to win her trust back.. you will have to FACE possibly Loosing her. and come CLEAN.. all of it.. 

I would have more respect for a man who F***ed up badly but came to me in humility with the RESOLVE that he is going to change his life.. make better decisions , no more hiding, no more pandering...playing something up that is't true ...to win people around him... 

Also you must realize you are fearing trusting HER at this point.. Look ...the truth is out...she knows you've lied & hidden things...sounds she is still there wanting to work through it...*there is HOPE !!*

What you are fearing now is her "accepting you"...if what you've hidden is too much to bear...Granted.. this was a very bad way to start a relationship... Have the buck stop here.. be courageous... come clean...be vulnerable.. if you love her.. she deserves to know and understand...only in this will you & she get past it and overcome... be accountable from here on...


This thread speaks of the psychology of why we Lie...it's very common .. but it's also why there is so little TRUST in our world today.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-why-people-lie-how-much-acceptable-you.html


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is simple. Don't lie to your spouse. Only time and you STOPPING lying will give you a chance to keep her. Otherwise you will lose a good woman. You are in control of you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to go to counseling to really dig into this. If I were counseling your wife I would advise her to end the marriage. Why? Because it turns out my wife learned from childhood to lie and hide certain information. She learned to manipulate people to get the outcome she wanted by controlling what information they knew about her. This pattern not only didn't end, it got worse. In some ways she dug herself in deeper, in other ways she expanded the scope of what she felt ok being deceptive about.

Unless you really dig into why you are doing this and then learn to deeply dislike doing it, you will continue to do it.

I would suggest you get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. R. Glover. And find a good therapist preferably male.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

The simple or truthful fact is that yes I lied at towns because I was not proud of thing I hd done in my past, not proud of losing a job and having to start over. I felt as a man I wasn't being a man to her..instead of telling her everything I tried to "fix" but when the fix didn't work I just kept doing the wrong thing by not telling her. 

Since I have put this post up I have been talking to someone and exploring everything. I have been told that I need I be a truthful, humble , open man and friend to her. This is not how a marriage should be or have started off and I know she doesn't deserve this and either do I. 

I have been writing everything done that I need to tell her, things she might not know big or small, and I have been writing down things that have gone on this week while she is gone . I want her to know that this guy that was being wrong , disrespectful and not a good husband is gone . And that i want more than anything in this world to be with her and on our team. If I said I would die for her than I should be able to be real.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lies about finances and employment are fixable...if they are revealed in all their Ugly Splendor. We learn from our financial and employment errors.



It is the LYING that is laying you LOW....Supine in her eyes...at the mercy of, and subject to the forgiveness of your wife.

A marriage is built on Love and Trust.

Sabotage the Trust....the trusses that support the Marriage and the Love....crumble......Trust Me, on this.

I like your life-travail-timeline Outline. This will help. Ask her if she needs other past histories.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *bguy said*: Since I have put this post up I have been talking to someone and exploring everything. I have been told that I need I be a truthful, humble , open man and friend to her. This is not how a marriage should be or have started off and I know she doesn't deserve this and either do I.
> 
> I have been writing everything done that I need to tell her, things she might not know big or small, and I have been writing down things that have gone on this week while she is gone . I want her to know that this guy that was being wrong , disrespectful and not a good husband is gone . And that i want more than anything in this world to be with her and on our team. If I said I would die for her than I should be able to be real.


Hold on to this...don't let go...we all make mistakes..it's the courageous person who recognizes his or hers, owns them...and seeks to change his life for the better...

This will impact you in multiple ways and more authentic communication/ better relationships will come out of it.. there will be a "team effort" of accountability when in a love relationship....



SunCMars said:


> L
> A marriage is built on Love and Trust.
> 
> Sabotage the Trust....the trusses that support the Marriage and the Love....crumble......Trust Me, on this.


 Yes...this is the foundation..


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

Knowing that I have her hurt and in tears , makes me fall apart. Knowing I have hurt myself because of this...is too much. To lose love or a marriage over this..and something that should be simple..is too much.

She is upset , she text me and told me how she feels like I can't tell her anything truthful at this point, and how she should have really pushed for the truth long before this moment. I have told her that I am leaving her alone while she is out of town, not I hurt her more or to ignore but I don't want to conutune talking until she is home and away from her friends and family . I love her and I need I show her. I also need to live me...and that's hard at times


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

You don't seem to understand the gravity of the situation as to how much damage your lying has caused.

You seem more concerned with being honest because you've been told that's what you need to do to fix this and because you realize it's caused her pain, not because you think there's anything wrong with it, as per your constant justifications for doing so. Your reasons for lying are not good. Rarely are the reasons for lying any good unless it's something like she asks you if she's fat and you don't want to hurt her feelings.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

I am more concerned with fixing us, healing with her, healing me. I truly don't care what my reasons are because it doesn't make them right. I am aware of that, I am 100% aware that I hurt and damaged and truly let down her and us. That the lies no matter what they are devastating


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

bguy-

Have you made an appointment with a counselor/therapist? If not, do that ASAP.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

bguy said:


> I am more concerned with fixing us, healing with her, healing me. I truly don't care what my reasons are because it doesn't make them right. I am aware of that, I am 100% aware that I hurt and damaged and truly let down her and us. That the lies no matter what they are devastating



If you don't understand what drove you to the lying in the first place then you're only patching the problem you're not really fixing anything and that's going to come back to bite you.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

Yes, I have been talking to someone. And our pastor at church. My wife said she would go with me to talk to pastor . That was before her trip. So I am not sure now. I am leaving her alone until she comes back Thursday. Is that the right thing to do? She kinda made it seem like that was what she wanted ..but I don't know.


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## kingsman (Aug 6, 2016)

The right thing to do is speak to a licensed therapist not a religious counselor. 

They are far better trained to deal with such serious issues. 

We're not talking about confessions here, this is trying to save a bad marriage.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

That's true , and I have and am doing both. Just started but yes.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

kingsman is exactly right. The state of your marriage is only a symptom of the issue, which is something you need to deal with outside of trying to save you marriage. Focusing and working on fixing things for your marriage is misguided.
Your primary focus should be on getting to the root of your low self-esteem and using lies and fabrications to mask it. That REQUIRES a therapist (suggest someone with experience in cognitive behavior therapy).

This is NOT a quick fix... this is deep-seated and needs to be dealt with long-term as it will require A LOT of work (on self). Hopefully the result of this hard work is a rebuilt marriage. But don't make this effort in becoming a man of integrity contingent on the state of your marriage.


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## bguy (Aug 5, 2016)

No that's true. This is nothing that I need to do for me and I realize that. I bring up doing for marriage based on the site and it's a huge part. But yes I need to get myself on the right track cause it will effect everything I do in life and everyone . Friendships and so on.


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