# My weight gain affecting DH?



## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

Hey guys. 

First post here.

DH and I have been married almost 5 years. When we met I was not quite skinny but curvy in the right places. 

A year after marriage we started TTC and infertility treatments coupled with the emotional rollercoaster I was on caused me to gain 60 lbs within 3 years. 

I am ashamed of this... and it's something I'm working really hard on fixing. It's not that I intentionally let myself go for DH, I truly believe he deserves the very best version of me. But anyone who has struggled with infertility knows the toll it can take on you physically and mentally. 

I have asked DH if he is still attracted to me, and he says he is. He uses porn occasionally but I would say probably less than a few times per month. We have sex a few times per week, usually with me initiating, but he did say before that our frequency would probably increase with me losing weight. 

So I feel that he probably has lost some sexual interest in me due to my weight gain.

I guess I'm wondering a few things.

Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? 
Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?
If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? 
What about your love for them? 
Would you be tempted to be unfaithful? 

TIA.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Now I know my answers are going to probably bother some people who are not really realistic about men's visual attraction, but I am being honest. By the way lots of women feel the same way about their husbands. 

*Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? * Most likely. To be blunt we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Men are visual. Now I am a guy who likes curves, but 60 pounds overweight depending on frame would probably be kind of a turn off even for me.

*Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?* Yes, absolutely as it should be his as well. Attraction is part of chemistry. Not caring is just not being realistic or a good spouse. If you both are monogamous you both are really the only people you can have sex with, don't you want to be as attractive as you can be for him. If you are going to commit why not do it with your whole heart and body. He is giving up the potential to ever have sex with anyone else the lest you could do is try to be attractive to him, same goes for the other way around. And not just about physical attraction. 

*If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? * Yes. Sorry men are visual.

*What about your love for them? * No. Being visually attracted doesn't have anything to do with love. I may be hurt though if I thought she didn't care, wouldn't change my love. But if she just gave up on her appearance completely it would probably change my thinking of her and that would not be a good thing. I would be thinking, man she doesn't care if I am attracted to her or not. Why is this? Is she lazy or maybe she takes me for granted. Doesn't she want me to desire her? Why not? Not talking about sickness or stuff like that where there is a legitimate reason beyond her control though. Love should be able to overcome that I think. However just not caring about your spouse maybe not though. If it's to the point were he doesn't feel attractive enough to want to have sex that ain't good. That is serious. Doesn't sound like you are there though yet. 

*Would you be tempted to be unfaithful? * Not sure what this means. Life is full of temptations. How you act around them is what is important. In my experience there are cheaters and non cheaters, whether your wife is in her best shape or not matters little. The most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on. However on the flip side. Not being attracted to your wife is a hard marriage to be in. I know this sounds mean and cruel but it's just the truth. Same goes for a women who isn't attracted to her husband anymore because he has let himself go. Or say he was romantic when you got married and all of a sudden treats you like a maid. We have a responsibility to our mates realistically taking care of our appearance (within the grounds of age and health troubles) is one of those responsibilities.

Now lets deal with what this post really is about, your marriage. I think you have a valid reason for being overweight, and if he loves you he probably understands. However men are visual and I do think it is important and your responsibility to keep yourself in shape for you spouse, both of you. Sounds like you agree. Has your chemistry gone away as you say you need it get it back? Have you talked about your weight gain? Does he know it's the meds that are the problem? You are aware that as you age we all put on weight and may have to change our diet and maybe exercise accordingly right? Again I am not talking about the typical 10-15 pounds. Is his being in shape important to him as well? Does he workout? He doesn't sound like bad guy. 

Contrary to what some women think most guys look at porn at least every once and while. (Diana7 I know your husband never does ever!). But most guys do. Sounds like your sex frequency is kind of normal for 5 years marriage. Is the sex good? Do you still desire him? Do you think he can tell that? That really goes a long way in my opinion. Also how much of this is about your fertility and that issue? I know this is hard. 

Part of wanting to be in shape should be for you. When you are in shape and you look in the mirror it helps you feel good about you. I have lost almost as much weight as you want to, this in the last year or so. Now it was a slow process to gain all the weight (years) and I was only really bad for a few years. My weight gain was because of meds I was on for other reasons. The meds caused me to not care and also slowed down my metabolism, but I have since apologized to my wife. In a sense part of my post is kind of getting on myself for not being the best husband I could be, though she says doesn't and didn't care (I actually don't like that. I want my wife to care, you should want your husband to care). 

I will tell you what, it does make you feel good. I like dressing more and care more. Plus I will only have my youth for so long, I probably wouldn't have been able to get in such good shape if I started this 10 years from now, but if I stay the course I may be able to stay in shape. It becomes addictive too. I get some joy from it. You can do it, just try to do it slowly. You need to change the way you think about food and exercise and accept that it may take a year to lose all the weight but it's like playing piano, disciple and time.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I totally get it. I gained quite a bit of weight during the year from hell when I had four pregnancies, but only the last one stuck. I'm really sorry about the infertility. It sucks. 

As for cheating, my stbx cheated on me when I was a size 8 (fairly thin for my height) and a size 14 (largest I've ever been). Cheaters gonna cheat. The size of your butt has little to do with it. 



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## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

If my H gained a significant amount of weight, it would absolutely effect my level of attraction. Sorry. It sounds so mean, but it is true.

I would still love him the same. 

I don't think it would make me more tempted to cheat. Just more likely to handle things myself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I may not be the same as most men, but here's my take. I'm somewhat visual, but I have a pretty wide range. 60 lbs is a fair amount, depending on your height. 60 lbs on a 5'1" woman might be over the edge, but on a 5'6" woman it wouldn't be much of a factor for me. In my overall attraction I'd say the weight is maybe 15% of the total picture. My wife is fairly thin with a BMI just under 22. She's 5'6" and something like 130lbs (and 34DD ) To be honest the bigger part of the attraction picture for me is how adventurous a woman is in bed. That's probably 50%. A woman who doesn't swallow (for example) just wouldn't ever be that attractive to me no matter what her measurements or how she looks. Another huge part for me is how well I can please her. I totally get that most women can't orgasm from penetration, but I just have no interest in being with one of them. If I can't float her boat easily and often then she's not going to be attractive to me.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lonleybride said:


> Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight?


It depends. For some men, attraction is complex and layered. For others, it is simple and one dimensional. If your husband falls under the latter category, then yes, losing the weight alone will spark his passion. If he falls under the former, then no, the weight loss alone won't do it for him. You'll need to work on other things like confidence and "girl game". 



lonleybride said:


> Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?


In my opinion, the people who lose weight solely to please someone else end up gaining it back eventually. I have observed that the most successful weight loss stories come from people who did it because THEY wanted it for themselves. They adopt healthy lifestyle habits that transform their lives. Attracting others is a side effect, but not necessarily the goal.



lonleybride said:


> If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them?
> What about your love for them?


I would probably lose attraction to my spouse if he gained a considerable amount of weight, not because of the weight itself (I dated much bigger men before him) but because his physique makes up a BIG part of my desire for him. 

Think of it as a pie chart where each of the slices represents a different element of attraction for your partner. If physique makes up 75% of the total pie, and that slice is made null, then either all remaining pieces (elements) have to increase or something else has to be introduced to fill the gap. 

My love for him is not affected by his physical appearance. Love is an entirely different pie 



lonleybride said:


> Would you be tempted to be unfaithful?


Absolutely not. infidelity has nothing to do with anyone else but oneself. It is a CHOICE made by selfish people who lack integrity. That's it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lila said:


> * Love is an entirely different pie*


Sorry, Lila..
Yours' was a great post and worthy of being re-read. @sokillme 's also. 
................................................................................................
My one-track Martian mind bore down on this one sentence. The 'bolded' sentence above.

Pie is wonderful: Apple, Peach, Cherry, Pumpkin.
Edited.



Sorry is slurry to a person in Love.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
For the most part I agree with what sokillme and Lila have said but I take a different view of the significance of weight gain. To me weight is inexorably likened very much to hygiene. It is an outward reflection of an inward condition. It shows the level of self respect, self control, self denial and self acceptance that a person has. I could not have romantic "love" for a person who thought so little of themselves. A parent, a child, a sibling even a friend I could have "feelings" (type of love?) for if they were overweight but not a spouse.

It would speak volumes to me as to how much they cared for and respected themselves and me. I may pity them or desire to help them regain their control but my feelings for them would not be the same, just as their feelings for me would have changed. I am sure some will think this shallow but in my opinion weight speaks to much more serious issues than simple outward appearance including health and well-being issues.

I eat probably one third of the food I consumed when I was younger and therefore spend 70-80% of my day feeling hungry but it is necessary to maintain my weight since my metabolism has slowed with age. I would not expect my wife to have the same feelings for me if I gained a disproportionate amount of weight any more than if I stopped bathing, brushing my teeth and washing my clothes. To me it all speaks to ones self image.

If you are earnestly seeking to regain your control over your weight then, were I your H, I would certainly be supportive and assist you in whatever way I could but if you were asking me to "accept it", I simply could not.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

OP from December 2015 to Oct 2016 I had 2 babies in 10 months and gained 90 lbs!! Yes that's not a typo. I am only 5'3 so just picture it! Add to that my H is a gym rat who has to eat to maintain his weight. From Oct to Thanksgiving there was pretty good weight loss but I gained most of it back during the holidays. 

I made up my mind on the day of our Super Bowl party...yes the day of...that this weight was coming off. We had healthy food and junk food at the party but I ate healthy and have for the most part only eat healthy to this day. Sometimes with my husband gone so much and 3 little kids it's not always possible. And I can't skip meals because I'm still nursing. But as of Oct 5th (I only weigh once a month now) I have lost 65 and only have 25 more to go. The bonus with the slow process is my body is very toned, no stretch marks (probably hereditary) and no flabby skin.

My H has been very very supportive through all this which means a lot, but like @Lila said, I want this for me. However the reason I want it for me had to do with him and is quite shallow...i don't want to get those looks from others when we are out like "Oh he's so good looking and slim why is he with her?" LOL

Seriously though also health reasons
Type 2 diabetes has shown up in 2 of my siblings and both were overweight. Everything they carried the weight well they were in the morbidly obese and obese categories. One sibling got really sick from appendicitis in the midst of her dieting struggles and lost all of her weight and then some. She proceeded to clamp down on the other who is now down to being just overweight. Both are off all meds.

Sorry this is so long but said all this to say all 3 of us are estatic about the path to much better health and being able to get into sexy clothes again. Although me and my other sister are no there yet we look and feel so much better. 

What really really really helped us is yo focus our thinking on the end goal and keep it ever before us in weak moments. Once I started dropping lbs whenever I am tempted to eat junk I picture the pain of not being able to do it as another pound dropping off. In other words when I feel deprived and others around me are enjoying good food I look at that deprived feeling as another pound gone. 

I hope this helps a little because I know how you feel as this was my second time around with excessive weight gain. I will tell you that the key is drastically reducing the carbs.

Another thing about my H is even though he said the weight didn't bother him because I gained it as a result of carrying our babies I Know he was lying (right, men?) I know he loves me through this journey but I also know a wife over 200 lbs was not what he signed up for!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lonleybride said:


> Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight?
> Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?
> If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them?
> What about your love for them?
> Would you be tempted to be unfaithful?


I think your husband is being honest, you would probably have more sex if you did. Although, you guys don't seem bad as things are.

Yes, being attractive for your husband is a good motivation to do many things, including weight loss. Weight loss is good for you, too.

I think it would affect my sexual attraction to my wife if she gained a lot of weight, although I have been married to her when she was 50 lbs heavier
than she is now, and I had absolutely no less desire for her based on that.

My love for her wouldn't change if she gained 500 lbs. I hope she doesn't, but my love for her will remain true if it happens.

Unfaithfulness is a temptation which comes to everyone. However, being unfaithful to my wife is something I've never done, and never will do. I have been on the receiving end of spousal betrayal (not by my current wife), and couldn't bring myself to ever do it to someone else. My wife was also the victim of it in her first marriage. We agreed before our marriage that adultery would be an immediate, unconditional, deal-breaker. No discussion, no counselors, no pastors, no workbooks, and forever no reconciliation. One strike, you're out.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I eat probably one third of the food I consumed when I was younger and therefore spend 70-80% of my day feeling hungry but it is necessary to maintain my weight since my metabolism has slowed with age.


QFT. amen. I stop eating and drinking anything with calories around 8pm. Tomorrow's another day when I can start eating again.

My MIL lost 45 pounds in 7 months by restricting her eating and drinking between the hours of noon and 8pm.

If anyone tells you, well into adulthood, that you should never go hungry, they're just haters.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Absolutely. If he's a fit guy who works out, he'll be resenting you and keeping track of "all" the hot moms out there that take care of themselves. Only 1 out of 4 of the women at my kid's school is hot. The rest let themselves go. But every dad dropping their kids off at school notices the hot moms!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lonleybride said:


> I guess I'm wondering a few things.
> 
> Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight?
> Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?
> ...


1. It sounds like you two still have plenty of chemistry with sex 3X each week, but yes, the attraction sometimes is re-ignited when getting back in shape. This is party because of attraction on his part, but also because you would feel more sexy and confident. 

2. That should be one motivation as well as the motivation to feel better about yourself and the motivation to be healthier when you become a little older. Regarding the first part, part of my reason to remain fit is because I want my wife to be attracted to me. 

3. Yes, it would affect it, but not completely eliminate it. Believe it or not, not physical reasons also play a big part.

4. If my wife was caring and had a positive attitude about getting back in shape, it would not affect my love.

5. I would not be tempted to be unfaithful.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

thefam said:


> OP from December 2015 to Oct 2016 I had 2 babies in 10 months and gained 90 lbs!! Yes that's not a typo. I am only 5'3 so just picture it! Add to that my H is a gym rat who has to eat to maintain his weight. From Oct to Thanksgiving there was pretty good weight loss but I gained most of it back during the holidays.
> 
> I made up my mind on the day of our Super Bowl party...yes the day of...that this weight was coming off. We had healthy food and junk food at the party but I ate healthy and have for the most part only eat healthy to this day. Sometimes with my husband gone so much and 3 little kids it's not always possible. And I can't skip meals because I'm still nursing. But as of Oct 5th (I only weigh once a month now) I have lost 65 and only have 25 more to go. The bonus with the slow process is my body is very toned, no stretch marks (probably hereditary) and no flabby skin.


Congratulations on losing all the pregnancy weight @thefam. You mentioned reducing your carbs. Did you follow a specific plan like Whole 30?



thefam said:


> My H has been very very supportive through all this which means a lot, but like @Lila said, I want this for me. However the reason I want it for me had to do with him and is quite shallow...*i don't want to get those looks from others when we are out like "Oh he's so good looking and slim why is he with her?"* LOL


I have the same problem with my husband. It used to bother me that people would judge me as the lacking partner. H has always been physically fit; me, not so much. The disparity is even more apparent now since most men his age (40s) do not look as good as he does. I have to remind myself to take it all in stride. And if I do get "those looks", I just wink and keep on moving. Let their imagination fill in the gaps ;-)


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

thefam said:


> I hope this helps a little because I know how you feel as this was my second time around with excessive weight gain. I will tell you that the key is drastically reducing the carbs.
> 
> Another thing about my H is even though he said the weight didn't bother him because I gained it as a result of carrying our babies I Know he was lying (right, men?) I know he loves me through this journey but I also know a wife over 200 lbs was not what he signed up for!


Losing a large amount of weight is very difficult and, like beating an addiction, requires a plan and strong determination. Good job so far!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My answers:
*Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? Yes
Should attracting my hubby be a motivation? Yea
If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? Yes
What about your love for them? No
Would you be tempted to be unfaithful? No
*


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

Spicy said:


> My answers:
> *Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? Yes
> Should attracting my hubby be a motivation? Yea
> If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? Yes
> ...


+1

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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Now I know my answers are going to probably bother some people who are not really realistic about men's visual attraction, but I am being honest. By the way lots of women feel the same way about their husbands.
> 
> *Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? * Most likely. To be blunt we are attracted to what we are attracted to. Men are visual. Now I am a guy who likes curves, but 60 pounds overweight depending on frame would probably be kind of a turn off even for me.
> 
> ...




Love your candor! 

"Has your chemistry gone away as you say you need it get it back? Have you talked about your weight gain? Does he know it's the meds that are the problem? You are aware that as you age we all put on weight and may have to change our diet and maybe exercise accordingly right? Again I am not talking about the typical 10-15 pounds. Is his being in shape important to him as well? Does he workout? He doesn't sound like bad guy. 

Is the sex good? Do you still desire him? Do you think he can tell that?"

I do feel our chemistry is gone in the sense that I am initiating 90% of the sex now and it used to be more 50/50. 

I do talk about my weight gain, he knows I am not as happy or confident with myself as I used to be. 

He does know the meds play a role. 

Yes, age has definitely influenced the way I carry/gain weight now. It's much easier.

He's probably about 20 lbs overweight, but the man could lose it in 2 weeks if he just gave up beer. Not kidding. He does not workout.

Sex is still great. He will usually say how good it is after we are done but I usually have to "jump start" him. Which I didn't even a couple years ago. 

I'm still crazy in love with him and think he's the hottest thing walking the Earth. I'm pretty sure he knows. 

Great advice @sokillme I really appreciate all that. And I am gonna start a meal/exercise plan right away because you made some great points.




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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

dawnabon said:


> I totally get it. I gained quite a bit of weight during the year from hell when I had four pregnancies, but only the last one stuck. I'm really sorry about the infertility. It sucks.
> 
> As for cheating, my stbx cheated on me when I was a size 8 (fairly thin for my height) and a size 14 (largest I've ever been). Cheaters gonna cheat. The size of your butt has little to do with it.
> 
> ...




Very true. Sorry about your @$$hat ex. 


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

lorikeet25 said:


> If my H gained a significant amount of weight, it would absolutely effect my level of attraction. Sorry. It sounds so mean, but it is true.
> 
> I would still love him the same.
> 
> I don't think it would make me more tempted to cheat. Just more likely to handle things myself.




No sorry necessary! 

I came for honesty and I'm loving the answers I'm getting so far. 

Thank you! 


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I may not be the same as most men, but here's my take. I'm somewhat visual, but I have a pretty wide range. 60 lbs is a fair amount, depending on your height. 60 lbs on a 5'1" woman might be over the edge, but on a 5'6" woman it wouldn't be much of a factor for me. In my overall attraction I'd say the weight is maybe 15% of the total picture. My wife is fairly thin with a BMI just under 22. She's 5'6" and something like 130lbs (and 34DD ) To be honest the bigger part of the attraction picture for me is how adventurous a woman is in bed. That's probably 50%. A woman who doesn't swallow (for example) just wouldn't ever be that attractive to me no matter what her measurements or how she looks. Another huge part for me is how well I can please her. I totally get that most women can't orgasm from penetration, but I just have no interest in being with one of them. If I can't float her boat easily and often then she's not going to be attractive to me.




Well... orgasms purely from penetration are actually quite difficult for women due to where the concentration of where our nerve endings are, so glad you could find one of the few that do! 

I'm definitely a giver for DH, he gets a lot of oral. So no complaints there. 

I joke my BJs are why he married me. 


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

Lila said:


> It depends. For some men, attraction is complex and layered. For others, it is simple and one dimensional. If your husband falls under the latter category, then yes, losing the weight alone will spark his passion. If he falls under the former, then no, the weight loss alone won't do it for him. You'll need to work on other things like confidence and "girl game".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Absolutely agree Lila. I have to do it for me.

And I think the physical desire my husband would feel for me once again would be a huge part of doing it for me.

His love and adoration for me is one of my biggest motivations. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As we age we all change. My husband has lost a lot of hair, so what, I still love him and I would never ever cheat. We get wrinkles, we go grey, things droop, many of us gain some weight. Thats life. 

My husband put on about 24lbs in the first few years after we married, I didn't care, as I thought he was too thin anyway. He has now lost 3/4 of that and I keep saying, don't loose too much please.


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> 
> For the most part I agree with what sokillme and Lila have said but I take a different view of the significance of weight gain. To me weight is inexorably likened very much to hygiene. It is an outward reflection of an inward condition. It shows the level of self respect, self control, self denial and self acceptance that a person has. I could not have romantic "love" for a person who thought so little of themselves. A parent, a child, a sibling even a friend I could have "feelings" (type of love?) for if they were overweight but not a spouse.
> 
> ...




I do agree weight gain a lot of times can be an outward expression of an inward condition. 

Strangely enough, this is the only area in my life I lack self control. I'm very thrifty, don't smoke, drink, gamble... no other bad habits. 

I (like a lot of women) had an abusive childhood and that's where I think my bad relationship with food started. 

I sought comfort in it. It was the one thing that wouldn't leave me, or let me down. 

So you bring up a great point in that, while I can modify what I eat an exercise, I also should probably treat the root cause of why I treat myself this way. 




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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

thefam said:


> OP from December 2015 to Oct 2016 I had 2 babies in 10 months and gained 90 lbs!! Yes that's not a typo. I am only 5'3 so just picture it! Add to that my H is a gym rat who has to eat to maintain his weight. From Oct to Thanksgiving there was pretty good weight loss but I gained most of it back during the holidays.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Congrats on your weight loss! That is so awesome. 

I loved your story, thank you for sharing.

And yes, carbs are the Devil 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lonleybride said:


> Love your candor!
> 
> "Has your chemistry gone away as you say you need it get it back? Have you talked about your weight gain? Does he know it's the meds that are the problem? You are aware that as you age we all put on weight and may have to change our diet and maybe exercise accordingly right? Again I am not talking about the typical 10-15 pounds. Is his being in shape important to him as well? Does he workout? He doesn't sound like bad guy.
> 
> ...


I used an app. "Lose it" to be exact, it taught me how to eat. It taught me how to eat strategically. Meaning eat calories at different times so that I could still have fun but do it in a way that I would still lose weight.


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

TJW said:


> I think your husband is being honest, you would probably have more sex if you did. Although, you guys don't seem bad as things are.
> 
> Yes, being attractive for your husband is a good motivation to do many things, including weight loss. Weight loss is good for you, too.
> 
> ...




Thank you for this TJW. 

DH and I both have been cheated on in the past too, and that's something we also said we would never tolerate from one another. 

That's why I do feel (as another poster said) since I am the only woman he's allowed to have sex with I do have an obligation to take care of myself as far as what is under my control. 


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Absolutely. If he's a fit guy who works out, he'll be resenting you and keeping track of "all" the hot moms out there that take care of themselves. Only 1 out of 4 of the women at my kid's school is hot. The rest let themselves go. But every dad dropping their kids off at school notices the hot moms!




Haha, thanks for the warning! 

The man has a beer belly but still gets hit on (in front of me occasionally!) 

Which usually just makes me smile knowing I get to take him home. 

I know I need to step my game up. 

Why is it men just seem to get sexier when they enter their 40s? 


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## lonleybride (Oct 13, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> 1. It sounds like you two still have plenty of chemistry with sex 3X each week, but yes, the attraction sometimes is re-ignited when getting back in shape. This is party because of attraction on his part, but also because you would feel more sexy and confident.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank You @Steve1000 ! 


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

lonleybride said:


> I do agree weight gain a lot of times can be an outward expression of an inward condition.
> 
> Strangely enough, this is the only area in my life I lack self control. I'm very thrifty, don't smoke, drink, gamble... no other bad habits.
> 
> ...


Food is tough one because it's so ingrained in our lives. 
Abuse usually comes when we hold a false belief that it will make us feel better. 

While it may be true that it may alleviate our pain for a few minutes while we are actually consuming it and we are distracted by it. Usually we end up feeling worse both mentally and physically as a result. 

This has become especially apparent to me as I've been practicing a modified keto. I feel great, no need for caffeine to which I was previously addicted, and hunger is barely an issue.

I've come to hate cheat days not because of guilt or anything because with my meal plan and exercise I certainly have room for a few. My physical reaction to the food that is standard in most people's regular diet is down right disturbing at this point...it seems like pretty much poison and it is.

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## downtownlynn (Oct 15, 2017)

I want to be careful of stereotyping, but men are visual creatures. I am sure how much so and what particular tastes vary from person to person. I enjoy seeing sexy people - and will give a long glance at a shirtless guy with nice abs or woman with a sexy bra. However, my spouse has gained/lost weight and it doesn't really affect my attraction to him. Maybe I visually think he looks better with a flat belly, but in the bedroom it doesn't really matter. I am far more affected by his personality -- wit, kindness, humor...that all adds up. I am more like to initiate hot sex from him doing something thoughtful, saying something sweet or giving me a back rub than I am based on his looks. But again, back to gender differences, some men might really need the visual stimulation. 

I have been heavy. I have been in good shape. My husband (and previous partners) want sex most every day if possible. So -- if my shape (whatever it might be) isn't his preference, it's more akin to something like I will take chocolate any way I can get it and wouldn't decline it - so while Godiva might be might preference, I will certainly take Hershey's. Sorry - guess food analogy isn't good. Errr, in any case I actually like cheap ole' Hersheys better than Godiva chocolate. 

When I was younger, I did lose weight for a man. Meh - no longer. Love and enjoy me as I am or don't, but I'm not changing for a man. Now, I do think it is important to work on being healthy for own self. I love my husband and want him to be happy, pleased, have a partner who is healthy -- so working on being healthy fits into that mind-set...but for me, I won't try to be a size 2 just to please a guy. And honestly, as a person who has gained/lost/gained/lost, it is more important to work on building and keeping healthy habits - good food choices but realistic, long term things you can live with (seriously, I would not ever "diet" in a way that eliminates any food group...it's moderation, it's eating healthy foods most of the time and when you are having rich foods, having very small amounts), it's developing healthy/active lifestyle, it's working on other friendships, relationships which offer emotional support and it's taking care of your own needs which all create a healthy lifestyle instead of quick fix. 

If a man's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. Doesn't matter if you are a size 6 or a size 16. 

If you are having sex several times a week, it seems you are doing pretty darn good. Me? I would probably not be cool with being the initiator so much. It would cut at my esteem - so I'd have a heart to heart and just tell my husband that I need him to initiate more. I want to be wooed, pursued. There's a lot to be said for being treated with love. When you love yourself and feel loved, chances are you will make healthier, better choices. When you are depressed, anxious, uncertain, doubting yourself -- I think you are likely to sabotage positive actions/thoughts. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LB,

A well thought out set of ballsy questions deserves a well thought out set of ballsey answers. 

Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? - YES 

Should attracting my hubby be a motivation? - YES - you did marry him 

If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? - YES 

What about your love for them? - NO

Would you be tempted to be unfaithful? - At 20-30-40 YES - at 54 (my current age) NO

TIA





lonleybride said:


> Hey guys.
> 
> First post here.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LB,
When we met at 27 - we both made about $X/year. We earned the same. Thing is - M2 had a stay at home mom and was determined to BE a SAHM. 

She got pregnant by accident - and suddenly money was a giant issue. Because I was not earning enough for me plus M2 plus a young child. 

Thing is - I VERY MUCH WANTED this to work. So I made it work. Money became a non issue because I made an effort to MAKE IT a non issue. You can do the same with weight - IF YOU WANT. 




lonleybride said:


> Absolutely agree Lila. I have to do it for me.
> 
> And I think the physical desire my husband would feel for me once again would be a huge part of doing it for me.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A slightly side comment, but I wish the medical industry was honest about the horrible side effects of infertility treatment - both physical and emotional effects. 

Many marriages have been wrecked by this. Mine almost was many years ago, and some after affects still linger. 

Unfortunately there is a huge amount of money in this, and the side effects are very rarely fatal or cause other lawsuit sensitive issues. 






lonleybride said:


> Hey guys.
> 
> First post here.
> 
> ...


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

I don't know.

You say you put it on over three years so I think it's just as likely that your sex life has "steadied" in that time. A few times a week is pretty good. 
Are you sexually frustrated? Or are you reading more into his "probably" because you already feel overweight?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Absolutely. If he's a fit guy who works out, he'll be resenting you and keeping track of "all" the hot moms out there that take care of themselves. Only 1 out of 4 of the women at my kid's school is hot. The rest let themselves go. But every dad dropping their kids off at school notices the hot moms!


Those are damned good odds, 1 in 4 women..

I'm willing to bet most of those 'dads' dropping off their kids aren't hot. I don't think I *ever* saw a 'hot' looking dad when I picked up or dropped off my son at school, year after year. A couple were decent looking, but never 'hot.'

Ever.

So you know. There's that....


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

honey you need to lose weight for YOURSELF, not your damn partner. Who cares what he thinks.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

katies said:


> honey you need to lose weight for YOURSELF, not your damn partner. Who cares what he thinks.


That sort of attitude doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Although Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is as much for yourself as it is for your partnership. 

Yourself for obvious reasons.

For your partnership it adds energy to the relationship, let's your partner know your doing your part to to ensure healthy and functional life partner will be there in the future.

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> GuyInColorado said:
> 
> 
> > Absolutely. If he's a fit guy who works out, he'll be resenting you and keeping track of "all" the hot moms out there that take care of themselves. Only 1 out of 4 of the women at my kid's school is hot. The rest let themselves go. But every dad dropping their kids off at school notices the hot moms!
> ...


I've gotta chime in on this. I've been in the "school drop off and school event attendance" phase for about 15 years now. In 15 years, I've seen...wait for it...3, yes 3 hot dads. Maybe only one in 4 moms are hot, but these unattractive rest of the women are certainly NOT coming home to fit, hot dudes, either!!!!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have never been overweight and always dated petite or fit women. So for me + 60lbs would be hard to process and overlook. 

That said you shouldn’t underestimate the love goggles and what they do for you. Your husband still has sex with you multiple times a week. Clearly he still loves you and is attracted to you.

Yes I’m sure his attraction would increase and your health would improve if you lost weight. In addition my experience has been that women who feel sexy feel confident. And confidence is a big turn on. I think you should lose some weight for you, not him, he will just reap some benefits from it


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

A few years ago I was overweight wife told me she just didn't like me being fat and that was why she was not enthusiastic is the bedroom. So I started researching diet plans and I settled on Medifast worked great for me and I lost an average of 3lbs a week until I hit my target weight. As I lost the weight I also had a ton of energy so I started a workout plan and I got really fit. Wife never did get enthusiastic in the bedroom oral sex and intercourse ......but that was it. I like lots of romantic foreplay which includes lots of kissing and hat was something she refussed to do. We have been married a long time and I am otherwise happy with my life but if I were 20 years younger I would probably wind up in an affair as now that I am fit women are flirting with me at work, at the grocery store especially late in the evening.. I admit that I am tempted but when you cheat you eventually bring pain to everyone, you, your wife, the other woman, your children and on and on...affairs are messy..... I wish you luck you'd be suprised how easy it is to lose weight if you really are motivated


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lonleybride said:


> Hey guys.
> 
> First post here.
> 
> ...





I wish you a healthy pregnancy soon. Cross my fingers.



(01) If you lost the weight and got back in shape, definitely yes to that. Us men are very visually stimulated.


(02) Yes, attracting your hubby should be a motivation but also for yourself, fit and confident.


(03) In my situation, yes, my wife's significant weight gain definitely affects my level of attraction to her. She could lose 90 lbs or so.


(04) I still love my wife but not physically much anymore


(05) Definitely yes to be tempted, that's why I bought a good sex toy for myself and even view porn a few times a month.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

lonleybride said:


> Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight?


 Maybe, providing there isn't something else driving it that you don't know about.



> Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?


 It can be, but the main reason should be for you, your health, etc.



> If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them?


 Yes, it would. It wouldn't affect my love for him, but it would affect the chemistry. If my husband just lets himself go, I'd also wonder if there were depression issues, etc. It wouldn't be all about me/us, I'd want to help him overcome whatever it is that's causing him to become unhealthy.



> What about your love for them?


 No, it wouldn't affect my love for him.



> Would you be tempted to be unfaithful?


 No.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I weigh almost double what I did when we married. But DH still wants to have sex with me, 40 years later, as much as I'm willing. Does he wish I was skinny? Sure. But he never talks about it. I have to lose it for myself. And he still loves me and wants me. 

What do men really want, in my experience? A woman who's crazy about sex and will give him wild crazy sex any way she can. He would be in heaven if you just approach it this way. Be adventurous, fun, playful, and sexy. It won't matter what weight you are.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

turnera said:


> I weigh almost double what I did when we married. But DH still wants to have sex with me, 40 years later, as much as I'm willing. Does he wish I was skinny? Sure. But he never talks about it. I have to lose it for myself. And he still loves me and wants me.
> 
> What do men really want, in my experience? A woman who's crazy about sex and will give him wild crazy sex any way she can. He would be in heaven if you just approach it this way. Be adventurous, fun, playful, and sexy. It won't matter what weight you are.


There is a lot to be said for enthusiasm 

I like this post a lot. 

Can't totally discount the fact that 'yes' is probably the correct answer to the actual question either but for a lot of guys the underlined will be a sufficient compensation!


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

In a post somewhere you said you talk a lot about being overweight. Men have differing responses to excess weight, but I don't know a single guy who is turned on by insecurity. What's sexy as hell is confidence.

Sure, work on your weight. Enlist his help with workouts and diet. Talk constructively about progress and goals if you like. Let him support you in tough times. 

But in the bedroom, cut all of that out. Don't mention weight or make negative comments about body image. If you're initiating 90% for now, so be it...but flaunt who you are and resist any temptation to apologize for yourself. 

He knows the weight bothers you. He knows you're working on it. He doesn't need to be reminded. If he's there and aroused, it means he wants to be with the wife who's in front of him, so be present with him rather than mortgaging the Now for some future ideal by wallowing in negativity.

Both that projected confidence & the glow you get from progress toward your goal should be powerful aphrodisiacs. Use them to advantage as you live fully in each moment.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Lila said:


> Congratulations on losing all the pregnancy weight @thefam. You mentioned reducing your carbs. Did you follow a specific plan like Whole 30?


Sorry @Lila Im just seeing this 'Cause you know, i got kids. LOL I count carbs as much as possible per meal. I try to stay between 45 to 60g per meal, and 15g per snack


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I truly wish there was more concentration on the health aspect of being overweight. I know a lot of people are overweight who otherwise have excellent vitals but eventually you run the risk of excess weight having adverse effects as you get older. I look at my husband's side of the family versus my side which is more overweight. The older people in his family are glaringly more spry than the older people in my family. Even though most are in fairly good health, little to no exercise and 20 to 30 excess pounds cause them to move far less agile than my husband's side.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

katies said:


> honey you need to lose weight for YOURSELF, not your damn partner. Who cares what he thinks.


Wow really? You honestly don't care what your partner thinks? So I guess that also means you have no problem if he doesn't give a damn what you think? Well I guess if you're okay with it but what a way to marginalize each other


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

thefam said:


> Wow really? You honestly don't care what your partner thinks? So I guess that also means you have no problem if he doesn't give a damn what you think? Well I guess if you're okay with it but what a way to marginalize each other


I care more about what I think. And if someone loses weight for someone else it NEVER works.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Do you think we could get that chemistry back if I lost weight? 
Yes, I think if you had chemistry you can get it back.
Should attracting my hubby be a motivation?
Partially, do it for yourself and your husband. Your body is not just yours, it's his as well. You both should be considerate of each other's body.
If your spouse gained a considerable amount of weight would it affect your sexual attraction to them? 
Yes. If it's temporary that's one thing, pregnancy, illness, etc is one thing, but a change in overall appearance will change a man's attraction.
What about your love for them? 
Love is not physical, love will be strong as long as everything is strong. It's hard for a man to stop loving a woman unless she is no longer the woman he fell in love with.
Would you be tempted to be unfaithful? 
Maybe. I hate to say it, but maybe. It's hard to say, I'd like to say absolutely no. If attraction is lost and sex isn't good, then temptation to be unfaithful would logically follow.


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