# wife doesn't trust me - have I wronged her too much?Should I give in to an ultimatum?



## finsmaniac02 (Apr 20, 2015)

Some background:
Been going with my brother to this big 3 day rock festival for almost 10 years now. Met my wife a few years in, had an immediate family (kids from her previous marriage) - been married and a family for 5 years now (also a kid of our own).

One year I ran into a girl (at that concert) that I knew from my old job/kinda had a thing for. I told my wife. Absolutely nothing happened; we ran into each other, talked a minute, and parted ways. And I honestly tell my wife everything.
She was upset and could admit that she was probably wrong, but was having thoughts (her previous husband had cheated on her) that I planned to meet up with this girl or something.

Next year I actually ran into her again, although this time I hung around her and her friends for a little while (she had a group of people - some of which I knew). I was separated from my brother, probably very drunk, and felt like hanging around some people that I knew as opposed to wondering around alone.

And I told my wife again. Everything.
She was even more upset at this point.

Either that year or the year after - I had made the impression that I was going to stop going. Truth be told I believe I said something like "I get too drunk, am getting older, not having as much fun, and so many bands keep coming back so I have seen everyone; Unless the lineup is like CRAZY good - I don't intend on going". Well the next year was good enough for me to want to go again. I have however stopped getting AS drunk there and have tried to control myself more.

WELL - every year this is a big deal. She supposedly doesn't want to fight anymore, says I am just so selfish and that its no use fighting because I'll never choose her. I feel like I shouldn't be put in the position to HAVE to choose her...

THIS year I have done what is the worst thing I have ever done so far - went to a strip club in Mexico with some coercing from important people in my job. Went there, already drunk, high-up guy egging me on - bringing girls over. I have a girl on my lap, giving what I would say is more of a "private room" kind of experience in the US. Touching was OK, she put my hands on her - not totally naked, bottoms on. Basically I had her on me for the while; while my work associate was having girls and passed out.
Did I touch her breasts? yes.
Was she basically naked grinding on me? yes.
Did I have sex with her (with her basically begging me for it?)? NO.

For some reason sex was my only line to not cross (or any type of sexual fullfillment).
Once again - I told my wife everything.
She feels VERY betrayed.
In her mind I cheated on her.
No matter how much I try - I can't quite bring it to my mind that I was actually cheating - I was however doing something VERY wrong.

She thinks I don't love her, we have some sexual problems (previous ones from my past - not brought on by her). She doesn't trust me, she hates this concert thing, and to her - i cheated on her this year.

Oh yeah - we have 2 kids from her previous and 1 from us. I love them ALL with all of my heart.



PHEW! that was a lot of background.

So concert time is back up again. Again my brother is flying in from across the country, again we have tickets, and again i am facing this choice:
My wife or the last part of "me" that I feel remains.

This year she is giving me an ultimatum.
She wants me to stay at my parents with my brother for the weekend, and to not have any contact with her or my kids.
My kids have soccer "championships" on the sunday. I am planning on missing however many bands it takes to attend their soccer. But this isn't good enough to her at all.
She is saying I don't deserve her or my family.

I don't know what to do.
I love my wife and my family so much.
But for some reason I feel like I just shouldn't let her take this from me. I feel like its the last part of "me" before them. Most of my friends are gone. My family is my world. And I love them so much. But I do look forward to this time every year so much. She knows I do, and I just don't know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often does your wife go out and hang out with guys, get drunk, etc?

How often does she sit half naked on some guys lap with rubbing him all over and doing the same back to him.

Since you think you have done nothing wrong, I assume that you are ok with your wife doing the same thing.


Is this right?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

* have I wronged her too much?* Yes
You know she is upset by things that keep happening when you go to the concert. But you keep going.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Your bad behavior on these boy outings is escalating. (FYI, touching another woman's breasts while she's grinding on you is cheating). 

Your wife is right on this one. Time to grow up and put Bonaroo, or whatever festival it is, in your past.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

The statement about giving up the last part of you is the biggest red flag I see.

Partying and strip clubs are the biggest part of you, or something you are loathe to give up, then you may not be marriage material after all. You have clearly communicated your priorities, and they aren't your wife, your kids, or your marriage. 

I would say you have a choice to make, except I think your wife is done. I would be. You have disrespected your wife and your marriage. Do you even want what marriage has to offer, or do you want your cake and eat it, too? Because that is how you are today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I see. So your wife can get naked with under men, get felt up, mess around with them, but as long as there's no sex it's ok with you? 

Just divorce your wife so she can find a decent guy. Then you can act single all you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

How is this a hard decision?

If something is important to your wife, you do it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Its obvious, do what your wife has asked if you want to keep her. Taken into consideration what you have told us, I do not think her ultimatum is unreasonable at all do you?.

You cant behave when you go, so do not go simple. Or go and lose your wife, and then you can go to how many strip joints, touch as many breast as you want and see whatever girls you want.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't blame her for not trusting you. I wouldn't trust you either. If you really loved your family then you would stop going to these concerts. Going to the strip club is one thing but touching a stripper is wrong. You wouldn't like it if she was touching another man.


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## finsmaniac02 (Apr 20, 2015)

Yeah I just wanted to clear something up. Strip clubs are NOT a big part of me, I was in Mexico on business and felt somewhat pressured to go by a high up. Things are different in Mexico and this was all considered normal. I was a combination of drunk, weak willed, bad judgement and really Freakin stupid. I have absolutely no problem giving that up as it was only like the 3rd club I had ever been to. 

That was about 6 months ago and completely unrelated to concerts. 

Nothing bad had happened at concerts besides too drunk and running into that girl. 

I am immensely sorry for the strip club thing. It is totally isolated and NOT "me". I have been trying to pay for my transgressions over the past 6 months and will continue to do so. I keep trying to come up with ways to make it up to her.
I just can't help but feel so mad inside when she calls me a cheater for it. I have never cheated on her previously, or any other previous relationship. If she wanted to go to a strip club and do the same thing once she could, it would make me feel sick but I deserve it. 
It is 100 percent isolated. I effed up, bad. 


The thing is, is that I wanted to keep paying for that transgression separately. 
Selfishly I feel like I need this concert thing for myself and time with my brother. It's once a year, and I don't have friends anymore. This is seriously the only thing that I do without her all year. AND whenever there is a band there that I think she'd like, I suggest that she comes too, its usually just too hard of music for her. I look forward to this all year. 

Maybe everyone is right, maybe it's time to give this up. I am sure that I escalated the situation quite badly with my mess up in Mexico. I am just struggling with this


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

finsmaniac02 said:


> Some background:
> Been going with my brother to this big 3 day rock festival for almost 10 years now. Met my wife a few years in, had an immediate family (kids from her previous marriage) - been married and a family for 5 years now (also a kid of our own).
> 
> One year I ran into a girl (at that concert) that I knew from my old job/kinda had a thing for. I told my wife. Absolutely nothing happened; we ran into each other, talked a minute, and parted ways. And I honestly tell my wife everything.
> ...


You lost the war by going to the strip club, now you dont have a leg to stand on because instead of moving in the right direction you did something even worse that being friendly with the girl at the concert. You are obviously testing the boundaries of your marriage relationship and possibly some male authority. You wife may have little choice but to whine and complain about it but because you have family etc she may eventually give in and let go, she has been doing this so far. But this will come back to bite you big time in the future, wives never forget and quite frankly what you did in the strip club is crossing the line and is cheating. How would you like to see you wife with a half naked male stripper grinding up against her before he does the full monty. I think you need to start putting your wife and marriage first.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

finsmaniac02 said:


> Yeah I just wanted to clear something up. Strip clubs are NOT a big part of me, I was in Mexico on business and felt somewhat pressured to go by a high up. Things are different in Mexico and this was all considered normal. I was a combination of drunk, weak willed, bad judgement and really Freakin stupid. I have absolutely no problem giving that up as it was only like the 3rd club I had ever been to.
> 
> That was about 6 months ago and completely unrelated to concerts.
> 
> ...


Oh and BTW you ARE a CHEATER, or what word would you prefer ? "a drunk, weak willed, poor judge and stupid" your words make it sound so much more palatable. Your are also so obviously selfish and blind minimising this kind of sxxx!


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Not doing anything for yourself all year except this one event, and then blowing it out once a year isn't a healthy way to maintain a sense of self. It sounds like your life is out of balance.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm a guy and I consider what you did cheating, although not as bad as PIV.

Stop doing such stupid stuff if you want to stay married.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No music festival for you this year!

That is, if you wish to remain married. 

(Btw, your wife is a saint for putting up with your adolescent shenanigans.)


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

finsmaniac02 said:


> I am just struggling with this


Not near as much as your wife is struggling with you. If I were your wife, I'd have given you that ultimatum, too.

ETA: I'm quite liberal, but you totally cheated at that strip club. No wonder your wife doesn't trust you. And for good reason.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sorry, but a lap dance is well outside of what is OK in the majority of marriages - which I'm sure you knew. Your wife isn't being rather charitable in thinking that you can't control yourself, rather than you don't want to control yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The fact that you did all this, especially knowing that this would trigger past issues with your wife, and you still prioritize partying at a concert with your brother shows that you are, indeed, a ****.

So stop being a **** and man up and tell your brother that you're not going.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Divorce already.

Save yourself (and us) the "round and round" justification of why you should *STILL GET TO BE SINGLE.... *

*AND....*

*BE MARRIED!!! *

(Because you LERV your family!!! *"Ermergosh... I LERV my family!!*)

The music festival is the "last part" of who you were BEFORE having a family...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

finsmaniac02 said:


> Yeah I just wanted to clear something up. Strip clubs are NOT a big part of me, I was in Mexico on business and felt somewhat pressured to go by a high up. Things are different in Mexico and this was all considered normal. *I was a combination of drunk, weak willed, bad judgement and really Freakin stupid. *I have absolutely no problem giving that up as it was only like the 3rd club I had ever been to.


That's what your wife sees, too. And she has seen your behavior escalating. She has no reason to believe that the next time you go to this concert, that you won't be drunk, weak willed, show bad judgment, and be really Freakin stupid again, or worse. You have no way of promising that you won't since it seems you get trashed at these events and then lose control.

If you like music, there are live bands that play in local bars and clubs all the time. Go with your wife on weekends. Some of the time, go with her to listen to the kind of music SHE likes, too. 

If you like drinking, drink with your wife.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

finsmaniac02 said:


> Some background:
> I don't know what to do.
> I love my wife and my family so much.
> But for some reason I feel like I just shouldn't let her take this from me. I feel like its the last part of "me" before them. Most of my friends are gone. My family is my world. And I love them so much. But I do look forward to this time every year so much. She knows I do, and I just don't know what to do.


If you love your family and want to improve your marriage, you need to make amends.

My husband was cheated on by his previous wife. It is a deep wound. This is not a ticket I need to pay, but I should be considerate of this and know that there are some precautions I can take to reassure him that history does not need to repeat itself with me.

The first time you shared about meeting the old acquaintance and your wife felt insecure, was your chance to say that you will honor her in any future interaction. 

Instead, you escalated it to hanging out with them the next year!....OUCH!

And then on an unrelated event, you again showed you did not have your wife or marriage in mind when you chose to succumb to peer pressure with the strip club...

Pouring a VAT of salt on an already open wound!

And now you are whining that your wife is taking a part of you away? Seriously? 

I think you need to step back and objectively see what you have taken from her in your independent behavior....and choose either to love your wife (with actions) or make the decision to hold onto to your own wants.

You have the power to choose how you proceed.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Fins, you've progressively been damaging your marriage for a few years and don't want to give it up. I'll agree with the consensus here that what you did was cheating and raised suspicion of your behavior.

For me, its your outlook thats skewed. A husband and father who loves his family should be a leader. A true leader serves those around them. The leadership shown in your relationship is not very different than your bosses in Mexico.

In this one area take the lead and commit to not going to the concert this year. Make it 2 or 5 or whatever. Once you do that commit to strengthening your marriage. Offer to go to MC with your wife and get some IC for yourself. What's it going to hurt? It's cheaper than divorce and could definitely show your wife that she is your priority.

I wish you luck.

~ Passio


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Continuing to disrespect your W and make a mockery of your marriage is enough wrong.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I think your wife would feel very loved if you chose her over this concert right now and let her know you understand her feelings about it as opposed to it being this big sacrifice for you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I think what you did in the strip club was cheating. 

I also think that you know you're trying to find a loop hole by telling your wife about the girl from your past. You feel like if you tell your wife, it should be okay that you are hanging around this woman, drunk and progressing each time you see her. 

The first time you met up with the girl...should have been the last time. You knew your wife was hurt by this and you did it again the next year. I bet your wife wouldn't have too much of an issue with your going to your yearly concerts if she thought she could trust you. The fact of the matter is, she can't. 

I would suggest bowing out of the concert this year and choosing her. Then, spend a generous amount of time proving to her that you can be trusted...IF you can be trusted (and I say that because so far you haven't shown her that.) You're bordering on the lines of "just barely doing anything wrong". Since she's been cheated on before...this is a NO GO zone for her. And I agree with her. 


Find another hobby in the mean time that will allow you some space away from her for a few hours and do it monthly (or even weekly if time permits). This way, you're not going too far from home over nights, getting drunk, and talking to old flings and ending up in strip clubs. After some time of doing that and proving loyalty, you might be able to swing like a guys weekend....like 5 years from now (You said you've been messing up for 5 years now right? ) 

If you don't want to put in the effort and compromise, let your wife go.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

finsmaniac02 said:


> Yeah I just wanted to clear something up. Strip clubs are NOT a big part of me, I was in Mexico on business and felt somewhat pressured to go by a high up. Things are different in Mexico and this was all considered normal. I was a combination of drunk, weak willed, bad judgement and really Freakin stupid. I have absolutely no problem giving that up as it was only like the 3rd club I had ever been to.





intheory said:


> finsmaniac,I'm sorry you sort of got railroaded into the strip club debacle in Mexico. I have heard of this before; guys feeling they have to participate in this type of shÏt, 'cause the higher-ups are egging them on. Wow, some corporate ethics. Is the $ for this paid by company funds??? Not right. Can you come up with a strategy to help you avoid having to get involved in this again?


Well, finsmaniac, it takes a desperate guy to do what you have done and realize that, yes, you are Freakin stupid.

There's "dumb." Dumb, like, goes to strip clubs in Mexico. But lots of guys are dumb everywhere.

Ah, but "stupid" guys do it while drunk, stay as long as they can, and have the strippers grind on them.

But you have to be Freakin stupid to rub your bad decisions in your wife's face by TELLING HER ALL ABOUT IT.

You know what SMART guys do, fins? They don't tell their wives about their strip club exploits because THEY DON'T GO TO STRIP CLUBS. 

You know what ex-Freakin stupid guys do? When their wife tells them to stay away for the weekend, that they're not worthy of having the family they have? Ex-Freakin stupid guys pay really close attention, and choose their families over concerts. 



Gee, NotLikeYou, that's really interesting. Why did you include a partial quote of intheory's comment?

DON'T RUSH ME!!!!!!!!

I included it because it is worth commenting on, since it applies back to OP.

Sure, everybody's heard of "guys feeling they have to participate in this type of shÏt, 'cause the higher-ups are egging them on."

That's a popular but incomplete myth. Smart guys, self confident, grounded guys, do not let themselves be "egged on." The guys who get "egged on by the higher ups" are the buffoons. The shmucks. The "lets get a few beers in him and see what kind of stupid stuff he'll do" guys.

OP has utterly and completely failed to realize that, in addition to screwing up his marriage, that he has also negatively affected his standing in the company. 

fins, generally, I advise against giving in to ultimatums. It sets a bad precedent of one person submitting to the other. And it usually reflects poorly on the person issuing the ultimatum.

Congratulations on creating circumstances where an exception is called for.

If you really like your wife and kids, I think you'd better stop going to concerts and strip clubs, and stop talking to old ex-girlfriends. Start finding things to do with your wife and kids while you still have them.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

OP, I would hope by the generally unanimous call to change your perspective that you're getting the picture here. What you did is basically indefensible. It WAS cheating. You touched another woman, or had her touch you, sexually, without the consent of your wife. That "sick feeling" if you "let" your wife do the same. That's the one she already HAD. Because you CHEATED. Cause, effect.

To add another hand to the vote, you ABSOLUTELY need to stay home from this concern if you want to stay married. Because "you" includes a wife and child/children now. THAT you won't remain much longer if you continue your behavior and try to pretend you have justification. 

In the future, maybe you can go again - with her consent or accompaniment - but you have proven yourself untrustworthy. This should be a simple decision at this point in time, so I guess myself and the others are probably a little bit at a loss for why this seems such a difficult mental exercise for you.

To be more clear: the stripclub incident and going to this concert are ABSOLUTELY the same issue. 100%. Maybe not TO YOU, but to your wife. Failing to display empathy for your wife at this point basically ranks her someone above a drunken frolicking. If someone showed my value to them to be that low, I'd leave them as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You DID cheat. Own it.

Man up, tell your brother you're not going and DONT blame your wife for that when you tell him.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

If my hubs did what you did in Mexico, he would get a serious reminder of just exactly why Lorena Bobbitt was famous....

You cheated dude. 

Do something else with your brother, like, go to church


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

finsmaniac02 said:


> She is saying I don't deserve her or my family.


She's right, you don't. And, you know it. But, you want someone to tell you that it's okay. You want someone to tell you that because you "confess" all of this to your wife and then profess your undying love for her, and your children, that these "little dalliances" are A-okay. Well, they're not. You, the one who promised to love, honor, and cherish her, while forsaking all others, are literally destroying her, by breaking her heart, one small piece at a time. 

One day she'll quit crying, she'll quit begging you to stay home, and she'll quit nagging you every time you go away to one of these events. You'll feel relieved, you'll be happier, you'll be more content, and less stressed. You'll believe that she has finally come to accept that this is just the way you are; this is simply a necessary component to your overall happiness. And, that's all that matters, right? You'll hardly even remember how broken-hearted she used to be, because obviously she has finally got over it (_or you?)_

You'll be feeling so good, that one day, you may decide that you're ready to start spending even more time with her. You'll look around, and around, and around, and that's when you'll realize that she's already gone. Then, it will be your turn to cry. And, you will. 

So, IF you really love your wife and your family as much as you say you do, then I would suggest that you (I'm going to say this the way that I think my dear TAM friend, Gus Polinski, might say it) GTFU and stop acting like you're an immature single guy, instead of a "_supposedly_" happily married man, and start treating your wife the way that a beloved wife deserves to be treated. Because, I promise you, there is always someone else out there who would be willing to do the job for you.

Signed, fWS


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## OrionsBelt (Aug 10, 2014)

You've posted twice that according to you your misdeeds with the stripper were somehow unavoidable. It was all because of pressure from higher-ups apparently. Here is what you've written.

"THIS year I have done what is the worst thing I have ever done so far - went to a strip club in Mexico with some coercing from important people in my job." 

"Yeah I just wanted to clear something up. Strip clubs are NOT a big part of me, I was in Mexico on business and felt somewhat pressured to go by a high up."


I am not surprised that your wife doesn't trust you anymore because you take no responsibility for your actions. It's as if some alien force took over your body and you were without any control or say-so. Nothing is less desirable to me, and I would guess most other women, as a man who is so easily led off course by other men. Talk about weak minded and weak willed! Peer pressure Plebes I call them. I guess I am very fortunate in that I have a great role model in my father and he never caved to other male peer pressure and his long standing marriage, stellar career, and high social standing are proof of that. 

Years ago, in the 1970's, he found himself in a simiar situation as you. He was invited to go to a strip club with most of his male colleagues and several higher ups. This was 70's and back then everyone went and thought nothing of it. If "the wife" complained then so be it. My father valued my mom and knew that although she wouldn't scream and yell over it, it would deeply hurt their relationship. He valued their relationship more than a one night jaunt to see some half naked girls. 

If you cannot say without hesitation that your MARRIAGE is the most important thing to you then you have no business being married. Get a divorce and let her find a real man. Not some peer pressure Plebe.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

Your selfish actions and desires are pathetic for a GOOD HUSBAND and FATHER to be doing. You chose to get married, and that came with certain changes to your single's lifestyle. No one is going to feel sorry for you losing the "last of me" when it's the crap you're talking about that needs to be given up.

To me, the biggest culprit is YOUR DRINKING! Can you even go to the band thing without getting DRUNK? It sounds first and foremost like you have a drinking problem followed closely by a marital problem. 

You just keep sliding farther and farther down a slippery slope towards separation or divorce. If you choose to ignore your wife's request to ditch the band this year, you've then DELIBERATELY chosen to run down that slope even faster. If you go, I hope you're not dumb enough to think that you've "won" anything this year because pretty soon, you will have lost everything. Well, except for the right to go to that weekend concert once a year, every year, without arguing with anyone about it....that is, if you can afford it after the divorce. (Hmm....and if your soon-to-be ex-wife was the vindictive sort, she'd make sure you had your children on that particular weekend each year--that way, you'd still have to choose...and then you're breaking little hearts instead of just hers). Yeah, your future doesn't look too rosy from where I'm sitting unless you man-up and grow up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

come on! He was drunk, did something wrong under peer pressure and he is very sorry for it... he told his wife. How many people would have done that? He's been honest. I understand his wife doesn't trust him any more, but I believe she should forgive him, forget about it and give him another chance... are you really saying his marriage should end for something silly in a club when he was drunk?


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

I find your comments about this concert being the last part of you and the look forward to it all year and the getting drunk thing especially with superiors to be questionable perspectives.

I would suggest 

1. Develop a more balanced life so the importance of one thing isn't so out of whack
2. Stop getting drunk so much especially with superiors and work peers
3. DO the exact opposite of what your wife expects such as saying to her, this year I want you and I to go do something together on the date that was the concert to start a new beginning together making you my priority in my life because I love you. (Phuck this stupid concert and the last part of you) 

It isn't the last part of you so grow into a more interesting person and quit saying that BS. It's pathetic IMHO. It's time for some new material and a self check with the doom and gloom values about holding on to a self centered damaging single inner child. 

I do not intend to be harsh but I am hoping to shake loose your new opportunity for growth making your marriage a more awesome living thing than a nag-mobile into the future of mutual misery


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> come on! He was drunk, did something wrong under peer pressure and he is very sorry for it... he told his wife. How many people would have done that? He's been honest. I understand his wife doesn't trust him any more, but I believe she should forgive him, forget about it and give him another chance... are you really saying his marriage should end for something silly in a club when he was drunk?


How forgiving would you be if your wife did what he did with another man... with the excuse that she was drunk and all the other women were fooling around with the hot guys as well????


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How forgiving would you be if your wife did what he did with another man... with the excuse that she was drunk and all the other women were fooling around with the hot guys as well????



I would be a bit upset, but I would forgive her if she was drunk... we are all human beings and alcohol does funny things to you... I've been there, although I never cheated...

Splitting a family over such silly incident is, in my opinion, far worse...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> come on! He was drunk, did something wrong under peer pressure and he is very sorry for it... he told his wife. How many people would have done that? He's been honest. I understand his wife doesn't trust him any more, but I believe she should forgive him, forget about it and give him another chance... are you really saying his marriage should end for something silly in a club when he was drunk?


I wonder would he be so forgiving if she did the same thing. Probably not. He is just making excuses!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I would be a bit upset, but I would forgive her if she was drunk... we are all human beings and alcohol does funny things to you... I've been there, although I never cheated...
> 
> Splitting a family over such silly incident is, in my opinion, far worse...


It isn't just a silly incident when it breaches vows, it causes distrust, it makes a spouse feel unloved and completely distrespected. forgivness isn't a given just because you admit you did wrong. I wouldn't forgive a spouse who did all this


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> It isn't just a silly incident when it breaches vows, it causes distrust, it makes a spouse feel unloved and completely distrespected. forgivness isn't a given just because you admit you did wrong. I wouldn't forgive a spouse who did all this


it is, because he was drunk... what he needs to change is: not getting drunk, because then he gets into trouble...  Of course, if he kept doing that, then it would be a completely different matter... one mistake - feeling some woman's breasts when drunk - and your marriage is over?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> it is, because he was drunk... what he needs to change is: not getting drunk, because then he gets into trouble...  Of course, if he kept doing that, then it would be a completely different matter... one mistake - feeling some woman's breasts when drunk - and your marriage is over?


I have been drunk many times and never did that. If I was married and my wife was feeling up another guys junk that would be all for me. Obviously the OPs wife feels that same way. It's up to her to decide what her boundry is on the issue. Being drunk is no excuse.

And this is a repeated behavior of bad decision making. Not just this one thing. And I'm not saying she should leave him necessarily. What I am pointing out is many people would in fact call this a hard line deal breaker. I'm one of them. I will forgive and forget about anything. But hurt my kids, steal, lie or cheat and we are done. No second chance for any of those things


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have been drunk many times and never did that. If I was married and my wife was feeling up another guys junk that would be all for me. Obviously the OPs wife feels that same way. It's up to her to decide what her boundry is on the issue. Being drunk is no excuse.
> 
> And this is a repeated behavior of bad decision making. Not just this one thing. And I'm not saying she should leave him necessarily. What I am pointing out is many people would in fact call this a hard line deal breaker. I'm one of them. I will forgive and forget about anything. But hurt my kids, steal, lie or cheat and we are done. No second chance for any of those things


It's definitely cheating and being drunk is no excuse... but _he was drunk_ and I'm sure he regrets it immensely... I understand people have different standards, but to me it seems a bit excessive to break up a marriage for something like this...

He needs to stop drinking and keep a low profile...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. First of all, you need to grow up. You are defining "you" by things from your past and not by the very important things in your present and future. 

Your wife and children are "you" more than troublesome outings with your brother.

If you want them, start believing and acting on it.

Second. You cheated. You are a cheater.

Read up on helping your wife recover from your affair and start investing in your marriage if you hope to keep it.

What do you really want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

It would seem that you have a lot of growing up to do. That said you need to get your priorities right.

If going out is not a regular occurance for you than keeping your tradition of going to the festival is no problem.

If however you are away a lot from the wife and the family you might wnt to reconsider the Festival trip this year.

That said stop telling your wife everything. I am not saying lie to her but if you bump in to an old friend and nothing happened then perhaps it is best not to mention it.

As for the stripper thing bad move telling her on your behalf. 

I do ask you this but. How would you feel if she had some hotted up male stripper doing the things to her that you had done. 

You cant possibly tell me you would be alright with it. I know i wouldn't.

I would be ropeable.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

OP is probably long gone after the proper butt whooping he's received, but I had a thought about his outlook on his marriage.

He sees a few data points on the graph that look bad and treats them as outliers. His wife (and 99% of posters on this thread) see those data points as a trend. Without even seeing the rest of the data I'd guess the "outliers" connect very well to reinforce the trend.

Did I just get too nerdy??

~ Passio


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

OP, invite your wife to visit the Ladies Lounge so I can tell her to
RUN!!!!!!!!!!​


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Idyit said:


> OP is probably long gone after the proper butt whooping he's received, but I had a thought about his outlook on his marriage.
> 
> He sees a few data points on the graph that look bad and treats them as outliers. His wife (and 99% of posters on this thread) see those data points as a trend. Without even seeing the rest of the data I'd guess the "outliers" connect very well to reinforce the trend.
> 
> ...


Nope, I've been doing trend work at my job all week. I agree with your conclusion..... he feels his bad behavior doesn't constitute credible data points and as such should be thrown out.

We, otoh, think they are indeed predictors of things to come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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