# Serious marriage dilemma



## Robyork83 (Nov 5, 2015)

Ok, so I've been with my wife for 8 years and married 3.5 of those. She is 28, I'm 32 and we've not had a physical relationship in just over 2 years. 
I'm a good husband, I cook, clean, pay the bills, pretty much the majority of everything. I have always been faithful and even said to her that if she ever wanted to be with someone else to tell me and we could go our separate ways. 

She started seeing someone and she's fallen in love with him (17 y/o) she had done some minor sexual stuff (oral) by the time I discovered what was going on, and at first she lied to cover it up, but I knew too much for her to deny it. She wants both of us, she loves me but doesn't lust after me, in fact she wasn't interested in sex with me, but she loves me as a husband. 

I want to try and forgive her and move forward but I also don't want to discount options out of hand and decided to ask what other people with more experience think. 

So I have 4 options I can see now ;
1) leave and start a single life. 
2) stay with her and demand she never see him again., she could then be faithful (2a) or end up lying again (2b)
3) stay and have an open relationship - I'd actually not mind that too much of I wasn't completely left out, but I don't know if I'd make things 100 times worse.
4)suicide 

I'd really appreciate serious opinions and if you want more details or back story, feel free to ask. 

We don't have any other issues, no money problems, no kids, similar interests.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

As i see it there is only two options be a doormat or be a man and dump her...that's it 

she is not worth dying over...that would give her to much power and she is not worth whining about, she wants to have her cake and eat it too, and you don't even get to have the frosting...kick her to the curb brother...time to turn the tables.

PS please do not tell me she is a teacher and this is one of her students?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

So you told her she could find someone else and you could go your separate ways. When you say that you need to be prepared to follow 
through with it. I would go option #1. You're young. You could find a meaningful relationship with someone else. No kids, right?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Why are you doing everything? Cooking, cleaning, paying the bills. She has way too much time on her hands. Maybe you should stop.

Anyway, I would choose option 1. Only married 3 years, no kids and no sex for 2 years. Really I don't know why there are any other options.


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## Robyork83 (Nov 5, 2015)

No kids, I haven't discussed options yet with her but I am definitely a doormat. The problem for me is that I love her and find it very hard to be aggressive about all this.


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Option 1. And never look back.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

5). Turn her in and have her arrested for statutory rape? What's the age of consent where you live?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

All of the options you have in life and suicide is in the top five? Call someone and go get help right now. No man, woman or child is worth taking your own life.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Robyork83 said:


> She started seeing someone and she's fallen in love with him (17 y/o) .


WHAT? This is illegal...... A 17 year old??? I know that's not a helpful comment...

To answer your question, I think you should leave the relationship.


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## Robyork83 (Nov 5, 2015)

Perfectly legal age here btw, and that isn't a factor for me.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Leave her alone.......

Start the 180 (do a search on here or Google, you will find lots of info) & prepare for a life without her. She doesn't deserve you in the least.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife is a pedophile if he is 17 years old. That is the age of my son. A 28 years old woman should know this is wrong. Call the damn cops on her for godsake, she is abusing a young man. And you think you have problems.

This woman is not worth dying for, and if you think so, you are stupid. Get help and call 911 if you have the urge to do so.

There are no choices here. Leave her and call the freaking cops.

And if you think you can be in an open marriage with this kid as the third you are as fu*ked up as her.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't even care how legal it is. At 17 he is still a child.


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## Robyork83 (Nov 5, 2015)

I think I need to clarify, I'm trying to be logical here and list ALL the options. It might be easy to say leave her, but she is the only girl I have ever dated, let alone had a relationship with.

I know that things are wrong right now, I wouldn't be here, desperate, if I thought otherwise. I just need to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I'm too inexperienced.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How'd she meet this kid. I hope to God she's not his teacher.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What else is there to consider? Your wife is in love with a 17 years old boy. Is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with? 

A woman who has no boundaries. No morals and no self respect. She obviously does not respect you. 

So what are you going to miss out on? A life of misery, heartache and depression. That is going to be so much fun. 

You know the good thing about heart breaks. They heal with time. Have some self respect and walk away. There is nothing here for you. In time you will rebuild your life and find someone deserving of you. 

Good luck and I hope you take the advice of the people on TAM. This post is pissing me off. I cant believe that a grown ass man would consider living in an open marriage with a 17 year old boy. You guys are lucky I am not the mother of this kid because your wife and you would get some serious kick ass.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Robyork83 said:


> No kids, I haven't discussed options yet with her but I am definitely a doormat. The problem for me is that I love her and find it very hard to be aggressive about all this.


She doesn't love you. She says she does, but if she did, she wouldn't treat you the way she is.

You will find someone else who is a partner in your life, not your boss.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Robyork83 said:


> She wants both of us, she loves me but doesn't lust after me, in fact she wasn't interested in sex with me, but she loves me as a husband.


 The majority of your marriage she has denied you sex while actively seeking it out with others. She does not love you "as a husband". She "wants" you only because you "cook, clean, pay the bills, pretty much the majority of everything". There is someone out there that would wake up every morning thanking God that you were in her life. Time to go find that person. When you do, you will think you were crazy for even thinking of staying in this marriage.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I want to try and forgive her and move forward


Translation:

"I'm curious to see if the next guy she decides to blow will have a longer penis than the previous one"


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Start thinking about what you actually want in a marriage. Take her out of the equation for a minute. When you got married, what were your expectations for how this relationship with another person would be?

Example:
You would be each other's best friend
You would be lovers and have sex on a regular basis
You would travel together 

etc etc

Will you ever be able to have the marriage you wanted with this person?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Option #1 is your only option. Run and don't look back.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Robyork83 said:


> I think I need to clarify, I'm trying to be logical here and list ALL the options. It might be easy to say leave her, but she is the only girl I have ever dated, let alone had a relationship with.
> 
> I know that things are wrong right now, I wouldn't be here, desperate, if I thought otherwise. I just need to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I'm too inexperienced.


Before you met your wife...you were alive & healthy. I don't think that will drastically change if you left her. You may be heart broken, but you will heal & come out much stronger in the end. Divorce will not kill you.

As a woman, I think your wife is despicable for cheating on you & with a MINOR (what a way to add insult to injury). Your wife doesn't deserve you & you don't deserve this type of treatment.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I get it, you are basically terrified that you think will never find another woman who likes you. I can tell you from experience, being a shy dude like you, that you would be surprised how many nice women are out there in the world.

It hurts and you are terrified, but what are you really getting out of your current marriage? I mean really sit and think about it. Write a pro's and con's list and try to be truly objective. Does your wife bring any value to your life? Does she make you feel loved and desired? What does she do that someone else couldn't? Are you happy with the person your wife is or happy that she stays with you?

You do everything and it doesn't sound like she brings a lot to the marriage in return. Granted I have only one side of the story, but I can understand where you are coming from. It will hurt like hell, but you need to let her go. It will not feel like it initially, but once you are free of her, you will honestly feel a sense of relief. Then see a therapist to work through some of your internal self issues. When you are ready, you will find someone special.

Reach down in between your legs and feel around. Those are your nuts, use them, now.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Robyork83 said:


> I think I need to clarify, I'm trying to be logical here and list ALL the options. It might be easy to say leave her, but she is the only girl I have ever dated, let alone had a relationship with.
> 
> I know that things are wrong right now, I wouldn't be here, desperate, if I thought otherwise. I just need to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I'm too inexperienced.


your looking for logical answers?

ok, here is your logical answer, and take it from someone who's probably lived three of your lifetimes and been in and seen many relationships.

if you stay with her you are in for a life of pain. you will either experience great pain now and recover from it in 3 months to a year or so, or you will experience more pain for years to come.

that's bona fide logic.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think trying to get her convicted of statutory rape is the best option, then when you divorce her the courts may go eaiser on you when you try to get custody of the kids. What judge in his right mind would award her custody with those changes against her.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

These posts never seize to amaze, and not in a good way.

For f*cks sake, c*nt punt her out the f*cking door.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Robyork83 said:


> I think I need to clarify, I'm trying to be logical here and list ALL the options. It might be easy to say leave her, but she is the only girl I have ever dated, let alone had a relationship with.
> 
> I know that things are wrong right now, I wouldn't be here, desperate, if I thought otherwise. I just need to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I'm too inexperienced.


That's probably why this is so hard for you. You need to realize that true happiness is out there, and this is not it. Don't stay thinking you will get her to change and start loving you - she won't. She'll only see that she can do whatever she wants and you won't do anything about it.

Don't be a door mat.

Be happy.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Why did you stop having sex? Was your sex life ever good? How did she meet the OM & how did their relationship develop? What reasons has she given for her infidelity & lies? Was it a very emotional affair or mostly sexual?

Women who go for very innocent younger men usually lack sexual confidence & are in love with the idea of romantic (childish) fantasy love. Very young men can be very poetically & dramatically loving. This all points to a very immature mindset. Has she had therapy? I think she'll find that she has some gaping holes inside. She needs to do a LOT of work on herself. 

I understand your insecurities & devastation. Know that you are not the same man you were when you were last on the dating scene. You're now in an age group where you have so very much to offer a good woman. I know it feels like she's the only woman you could ever love. Change is also terrifying. Do you truly believe that you could get over this? You sound like a kind, compassionate, loving man. I'm concerned that this will eat at you, change you, make you bitter & resentful. Please don't let this happen. The world needs good men like you. 

I have to note my beloved brother took his own life. I understand, I truly do but I know for certain that if he could imagine the emotional carnage that he would be inflicting on all the people who loved him he would NEVER of contemplated it. I know what it feels like to desperately NEED anything to take the pain away. I really know! Suicide is NEVER the answer.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Robyork83 said:


> 4)suicide


You need to take this option off the table man. I know it really sucks right now but it will get better no matter which path you choose to go down.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only thing she loves about you is having you take such good care of her and not having to give anything in return.

You have the worst case of doormatitice I believe I've ever seen.

Geeze, if you can't help yourself no one can.

Why??????????


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> 5). Turn her in and have her arrested for statutory rape? What's the age of consent where you live?


Want to like this 1000 x .Your WW is a cradle snatcher. Get a decent woman who will treat you with respect. Dump her NOW

You need to get some self respect, so work on yourself first, get IC, go to the gym, feed your own soul and don't look back.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Robyork83 said:


> 1) leave and start a single life.


You are in your 20's? No kids? You are my hero. Congratulations for learning this lesson in your 20's. I truly envy you.


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## nodeal (Nov 11, 2015)

Good grief. This woman wants to cuckold you and you're considering going along with it. Grow a pair and kick her out. Better to deal with it now and start fresh.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Robyork83 said:


> I think I need to clarify, I'm trying to be logical here and list ALL the options. It might be easy to say leave her, but she is the only girl I have ever dated, let alone had a relationship with.
> 
> I know that things are wrong right now, I wouldn't be here, desperate, if I thought otherwise. I just need to make sure that I haven't missed anything. I'm too inexperienced.


 So she's the only girl you ever dated. Look. She wants you for the security of a home and all the things you do for her and shuts you out of any intimacy and she's got some snotty nosed kid kid banging the hell out of her so you tell me that is this the kind of woman you want to live the rest of your life with?

Friend your being cuckolded and being played for a fool and your letting it happen. Time for you to grow the hell up and get your stones from where you lost them and take charge.

Let her know that you ain't playing this game with er and if she wants the kid then go ask his mother if she could move in with her, the husband and the kid and throw her ass out. Find a lawyer and have her served and be done with it.

Got to tell you that if you take her back, next time she's going to be much more careful and leave you in the dark for a long time before you find out. That's what you have facing you so wise up and make a stand. Can't get any worse, she doesn't have any respect for you and she's proved it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your wife, who doesnt cook or clean or pay the bills, committed adultery with a minor child. 

Call an attorney. Any woman who would cheat on her husband with a child needs to be kicked to the curb so hard the boot print will never fade.

If someone told me a grown married woman had sex of any kind with my 17 year old son, that woman would require reconstructive surgery after I got done with her.

Oh, and expose her to everyone you've ever known. She deserves to be a social pariah.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Robyork83 said:


> Ok, so I've been with my wife for 8 years and married 3.5 of those. She is 28, I'm 32 and we've not had a physical relationship in just over 2 years.
> I'm a good husband, I cook, clean, pay the bills, pretty much the majority of everything. I have always been faithful and even said to her that if she ever wanted to be with someone else to tell me and we could go our separate ways.
> 
> She started seeing someone and she's fallen in love with him (17 y/o) she had done some minor sexual stuff (oral) by the time I discovered what was going on, and at first she lied to cover it up, but I knew too much for her to deny it. She wants both of us, she loves me but doesn't lust after me, in fact she wasn't interested in sex with me, but she loves me as a husband.
> ...


No kids and she's cheating w/ a minor?

This is easy -- dump her.

Oh, and she doesn't want you... _she wants you to pay the bills._

Huge difference.


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