# It's getting awkward...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation and it's making things a little weird, and we both can't stop. I don't think this is helping us and it's making it awkward to even be friends and work with each other through our seperation so what can I do?

We're both not interested in anyone else. It's a problem =/


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation and it's making things a little weird, and we both can't stop. I don't think this is helping us and it's making it awkward to even be friends and work with each other through our seperation so what can I do?
> 
> We're both not interested in anyone else. It's a problem =/


 You're not interested in anyone else, there is obviously still a spark between the two of you so maybe the separation is not the thing to do. If it is then separate, quit having sex. It sounds like you need to have a sit down and figure out what you really want from each other.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i wouldnt call living in the same house a separation.
instead of each of you expecting the other to give in 100%, you need to talk, seriously talk, and each of you give in some for the benefit of the other, the relationship and your child.

or one of you needs to move completely out and only see and talk to each other regarding the child.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation and it's making things a little weird, and we both can't stop. I don't think this is helping us and it's making it awkward to even be friends and work with each other through our seperation so what can I do?
> 
> We're both not interested in anyone else. It's a problem =/


That certainly doesn't sound like a separation. Let me see if I understand:

- still under the same roof
-still having sex
-aren't interested in anyone else

What makes it a separation, just the fact that you say it is? It sounds to me like there is still hope for your relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh Random Dude... you & she are the poster spouses for the " I can't live with you, I can't live without you" syndrome.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Good experiences - including good sex - should only help the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

I know the two of you have problems, but I don't think they're insurmountable. I see you both looking back at this divorce with regret. That said, assuming that you do want a divorce....



RandomDude said:


> So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation and it's making things a little weird, and we both can't stop.


Physical separation. I realize you were pretty torn apart when she left home the first time you angrily cried divorce (in a thread I think you deleted) But if you're going to divorce, you will eventually have to live apart anyway. Might as well start now.



RandomDude said:


> I don't think this is helping us and it's making it awkward to even be friends and work with each other through our seperation so what can I do?


Have a look at the divorce forums. They're filled with spouses dumbfounded that their STBX somehow believes that they can still be friends. Maybe your friendship will survive, but you also need to realize that you may end up co-parents and nothing more. Prepare yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And in fact, at some point one or both of you will be in a relationship with another person. At that time, obviously, the "friend" thing will likely not be acceptable.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

You are not seperated.you are both confused. Figure this out before your daughter gets much older. Start seeing that how you both act and treat each other will seem like a normal thing to her, and she in turn will have this type of relationship. Do you want your daughter to live the same chaos? Make a decision, and make whatever it is work. No more excuses,at some point we all need to own our s#$t, neither of you has.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

They're not confused. They both have their head so far up the ass of pride and inflexibility that neither could find their ass if it was a hole in the ground. It's a damn shame and I hate to sit here and "watch" it so to speak. Sooner or later, likely after it's too late, one of them will realize what they have and light will suddenly dawn. Hopefully they'll still be able to reconnect when that happens. 

If only we could slap some sense into both of them...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, we can't give in to each other, it's just irreconcilable differences now - that's why we've given up, we've grown apart. There's no real grudge between us in regards to this, yet we both don't want to give up our connection or the sex.

Living apart will just make it difficult for us to be parents and not to mention having to drive down to visit each other for sex. Everything is a mess now, we're stuck! I'm doing IC, she's not, and she's not interested in reconciliation if it means giving in to me, yet she sleeps with me on our bed.

What the hell seriously?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused... What exactly does "separated" mean to you? Because your definition and mine seem to differ vastly.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

You are not seperated. You are both acting like children. Again start thinking about your craziness affecting your daughter. And for goodness sake get over the sex being forced,its ridiculous you are a grown up,supposedly,take matters into your own hand, you can control that. I wish you would voice your concern over your child and not yourselves. I feel like a gawker watching a train wreck.


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation and it's making things a little weird, and we both can't stop. I don't think this is helping us and it's making it awkward to even be friends and work with each other through our seperation so what can I do?
> 
> We're both not interested in anyone else. It's a problem =/



you're not separated.
but it sounds like there is still hope. Get to a marriage counsellor asap -- or can you get away for a guided marriage retreat ... if you both want this to work you can fix this ...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Trenton said:


> What I don't understand is why you both pretend to have such strong wills and control when it's quite obvious you both lack self control and the will to change anything.


This is sooooooo perfect!!!! Really if you want to separate friggin do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We've just become way too interdependent it seems... meh, I'll have a talk with her tonight. Not to mention how awkward it's going to be tomorrow... *sigh*


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> We've just become way too interdependent it seems... meh, I'll have a talk with her tonight. Not to mention how awkward it's going to be tomorrow... *sigh*


You have no effective boundaries, and no clear concept of what you're trying to accomplish. 

C


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Agreed, one thing I've realised for a long time but have never acted on it is that our relationship has operated on passion alone, nothing else.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> We've just become way too interdependent it seems... meh, I'll have a talk with her tonight. Not to mention how awkward it's going to be tomorrow... *sigh*


There is no way whatever you two are interdependent. Interdependency is what exists between two adults in a marriage. You two simply do not have an adult to adult relationship. That just does not exist.





What you do have between you is dependency and codependency. The former is a child to adult relationship. You also have a dysfunctional child to child relationship. And your codependency is truly screwing you up. You both play the role of the codependent.




The underlying problem to it all is that you both have really crap boundaries. Because of that the two of you are forever poking, testing etc. etc. each other in the most dysfunctional, mean and hurtful ways.

Both of you keep testing each others boundaries, pushing them unto the other is hurt and then you get the response you wanted all along. You are probably both seriously wounded from childhood and because you haven’t healed your wounds you grandly play the roles of “victim” such that you get hurt again over and over.





You just don’t know how not to be victims, you do not know how to be normal, non victims of life.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

A question : Do you two love each other or just love to fight and fu*k? I don't get the constant battle between the two of you. I hate fighting with my husband, I'm a real fan of peace and harmony. There are ways to add a little fierceness to your lovemaking without a fight...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AFEH said:


> The underlying problem to it all is that you both have really crap boundaries. Because of that the two of you are forever poking, testing etc. etc. each other in the most dysfunctional, mean and hurtful ways.


Yes, even in the worst of times...



> Both of you keep testing each others boundaries, pushing them unto the other is hurt and then you get the response you wanted all along. You are probably both seriously wounded from childhood and because you haven’t healed your wounds you grandly play the roles of “victim” such that you get hurt again over and over.


Well, its an ex-hooker with an ex-gangster. Bah! She will kill me if she reads this but whatever the f--k



> You just don’t know how not to be victims, you do not know how to be normal, non victims of life.


Yet it keeps us together... how f--ked up is all this?



> A question : Do you two love each other or just love to fight and fu*k? I don't get the constant battle between the two of you


I dont have a f--king clue, wonder if she will post (and p-ss me off at the same time) whatever the f--k. Damn we are really in a mess


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RD the answer is so simple it’s quite unbelievable.

You just forgive anybody and everybody who has ever hurt you in your life. And you ask for forgiveness for everybody and anybody you have ever hurt.

This is a most deeply private thing to do. I did it in churches, I had my own little ceremony of forgiveness. It is a way of cleansing yourself and you do not need the help of anyone at all to do it with.

And of course you make a vow to yourself to never hurt anyone again. But you will as others will hurt you. But once you’ve learnt about forgiveness and all its’ benefits it becomes so very much easier to do. In Buddhism the aim is instant forgiveness so we can more quickly understand our own role in our own hurt and pain.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. If we forget then we do not learn. And neither does forgiving mean we become a wiling and helpless victim to the mean and cruel behaviour of others.

And that’s where boundaries come in. We forgive but we tell the other never again will I tolerate your abusive behaviour.


You both need to forgive any harm that others have done to you and you both need effective boundaries and need to learn how to protect them.

These things don’t happen overnight, forgiveness and boundaries. In a way they are both a journey that we learn from and get better at as time goes by.

But without forgiveness and boundaries in your lives you will just get more and more hurt and continue to hurt those you actually love.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RD,

Both of you are so wrapped up in "winning and losing", it's difficult for either of you to find your rear end with both hands.

And, if you don't think I understand, think about every single time you want to post "meh", or "beh".

Winning/losing = both losing - big time.

And, your daughter is the one that's set to lose the most.

I pity her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/
I know she's been reading this and she's breaking down tonight...

*sigh*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My father taught me everything that goes good or bad in my life is my responsibility... I can't really say much other sh-t...

All I know is that I love her, and she loves me, no f--king doubt, but why can't it work between us?!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Because for it to work you both have to let go. Loving someone is about putting their needs at least equal to your own, more often than not it's about putting their needs ahead of yours. Neither of you are doing that and you are not doing it in spades. 

Perfect example is posting something here that you know she is going to read and is going to hurt her. Why not just walk up to her and kick her in the shin? 

I actually had the thought that you may be trolling with this thread, but I don't think I really believe that.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I always wonder if this is trolling. You NEVER take any advice, just keep asking if it can work. Take some advice before you keep asking that question. You ask above will it work. the answer is NO NOT IF YOU DO NOT BOTH CHANGE~!
And again RD, I do not hear one word from you about your dear child, who you are damaging just as you were damaged. You are DOOMING your girl to a life of misery, just like her parents. DOES THIS NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU.? Try to stop talking in circles, quit making stupid excuses and **** or get off the pot. all this talk is a WASTE because you DO NOTHING WITH IT. Just poor me, poor wife, we had such crappy beginnings, we just are the way we are. I call BULL SH7T. You can keep blaming your past, or you can CHANGE IT. **** or get off the pot, that is what it comes down to. and tell me RD, when you think of your dear daughter in 18 years being treated the way you and your wife treat each other, what does THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE. Start there dude, and give up the excuses. the past is just that THE PAST. our future is what we make of it, meh, you drive me nuts. so immature.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't make it work because you keep score.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You can't make it work because you keep score.


Boo yeah!!! LOL


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i have said the troll thing too.
more like he is rd as well as the wife too.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> I know she's been reading this and she's breaking down tonight...
> 
> *sigh*


 The wife reads and posts on here too?? I guess I missed that, it is impossible to read every thread. Dude, if you know she is going to read what you write why don't you just sit down and hash it out between the two of you? Since it sounds like you don't really take any advice given are you just getting high off the drama of having the rest of us giving our two cents worth and holding our breath to see what crazy thing one or the other of you will do next? Is that where the Drama King comes into play??


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> Is that where the Drama King comes into play??


yes 

i also almost believe he and wife are one in the same.
i think he has multiple personalities.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> yes
> 
> i also almost believe he and wife are one in the same.
> i think he has multiple personalities.


 What is the wife's user name? I'm curious now. If he is husband and wife then that gives a twisted meaning to Madonna's "I touch myself"...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> What is the wife's user name? I'm curious now. If he is husband and wife then that gives a twisted meaning to Madonna's "I touch myself"...


Unloved11 I think.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Unloved11


fixed


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Unloved11 I think.


 Thanks...read some of her thread until I came to one of his lines "It's just not worth it" and damn...he's right. So...I quit.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> Thanks...read some of her thread until I came to one of his lines "It's just not worth it" and damn...he's right. So...I quit.


LOL


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well thanks for accusing me of being a troll, that's really helpful for my situation. Pffft


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trolls don`t have this level of commitment.

RD`s been here too long to be calling him a troll.
Even if he is a troll, he`s our troll now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trenton said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Do you read the irony in your first statement?


Read it?

I put it there on purpose.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

You don't TAKE any help. None. Cant believe you will address that issue, and still not one word about how this affects your child. I am sorry, but you remind me of children that need tough love,coddling is not working. Your kid start thinking of that k?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I know he's not a troll but I can't help it if his threads are starting to get that feel. It's the perpetual wailing against the same problem, ignoring all productive advice, and tragic seemingly foregone conclusion that give it that feel. RD, I really hope you and your W can get over yourselves long enough to forgive and accept each other, but I can't say I'd bet that way. 

Didn't mean to offend, but if it motivates you to a resolution that's a good thing right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I know he's not a troll but I can't help it if his threads are starting to get that feel. It's the perpetual wailing against the same problem, ignoring all productive advice, and tragic seemingly foregone conclusion that give it that feel. RD, I really hope you and your W can get over yourselves long enough to forgive and accept each other, but I can't say I'd bet that way.
> 
> Didn't mean to offend, but if it motivates you to a resolution that's a good thing right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Some people thrive on conflict and/or attention. Sorry RD to compare you to a troll but you don't seem to take any advice seriuosly. Some of the well meaning members here seem to be frustrated by that. The rest of us just follow your story in amazement as if we were watching reality tv...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FOR ****S SAKE!

Yes, I agree, much advice but it's so F--KING HARD at times to practice even if I SEE IT AS TRUTH, maybe the missus doesn't but whatever the f--k the THING IS = ITS NOT A WALK IN A PARK FOR EITHER OF US

I laid down flowers for her on our bed for today (and a note + sh-t)... she was shocked but whatever. Yet she is so p-ssed off about that today... pffft, whatever


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Nothing really worth having is ever easy dude. If this sh!t (relationships) were easy do you think there'd be countless websites like this one? 

I'd say, if you see it as the truth man up and do it, but the problem the two of you seem to have is that when one of you actually does this you do it only for a moment and then watch with baited breath to see if the other reciprocates. When they don't because they either didn't catch the signal fast enough or whatever other reason you instantly pull back and scream a great big F YOU!! and then wonder why it won't work. 

If the two of you are going to find common ground someone is going to have to decide to open themselves up to being vulnerable. Maybe you've already done this and we're trying to talk you into saving something that shouldn't be saved? I hope not.

I have a question though. What exactly does "pffft" mean???


Just yankin your chain man.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> If the two of you are going to find common ground someone is going to have to decide to open themselves up to being vulnerable. Maybe you've already done this and we're trying to talk you into saving something that shouldn't be saved? I hope not.


RD has a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. It's part of what triggered a lot of the recent drama.

I think it's something that may need professional help.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

yes they both need professional help. before they damage their DD. RD, dont get angry at us, you ask, and we respond. the fact that you dont ever take advise is what makes everyone short.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> So we've been having sex on and off during this under-the-same-roof seperation


My wife and I are apparently doing the "under the same roof seperation" as well minus the sex. I'm not sure what is expected of me. Am I to be nice, indifferent? Do I still cook for her or is it F you fend for yourself time. I have been doing different things like a new work out routine and not pining around the house for her but I don't know.

I have definately been too beta in this relationship so I am trying to turn that around to.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Paulination,

What caused the same roof separation? Do you want your wife back or would you separate if you could? I wanted my husband back and took ownership of the damage I've caused to the relationship. A book that helped me was His Needs, Her Needs. By reading his needs, since my husband isn't very vocal, I was able to see the mistakes I've made. I've been trying to give him everything he needs and I'm enjoying doing it. Our relationship has definatley taken a turn for the better. To keep it that way I need him to realize my needs. I guess one baby step at a time. He's starting.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> Nothing really worth having is ever easy dude. If this sh!t (relationships) were easy do you think there'd be countless websites like this one?
> 
> I'd say, if you see it as the truth man up and do it, but the problem the two of you seem to have is that when one of you actually does this you do it only for a moment and then watch with baited breath to see if the other reciprocates. When they don't because they either didn't catch the signal fast enough or whatever other reason you instantly pull back and scream a great big F YOU!! and then wonder why it won't work.
> 
> ...


It means the same as "meh", and "beh".


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Random, I hope we haven't heard from you because you guys decided to really fix your problems, just checkin


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

bellamaxjoy said:


> yes they both need professional help. before they damage their DD.


This could easily be used as an argument for divorce as well. To avoid further damage to their daughter. It sure beats the fighting.

I still think there are better options than divorce. That said, if they ever do decide to reconcile, they need to reach mutual agreement over what needs to change, and how. Otherwise, I can see one of them calling divorce again a few weeks or months down the track.


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