# Do some guys give off the "cheater" chemical?



## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

my wife and mother have both made references to me "cheating" in recent times.

I'm 39 yo and have only had sex with my wife since I was 15. 

I have always worked with her father and no women. I don't go to bars or anywhere females would be looking for a guy unless it's to work as an engineer/musician, which is rare anymore.

What gives? DW and I have great and frequent sex.
I've never been a porn addict, though I do like sometimes.
I'm not working out or changing myself in any new way. 

Honestly, I can't even think about it without getting emotional. I feel like I've really done a poor job of presenting myself to the ones I love even if on paper I score 100%.

Perhaps I have "terminal perceived d-bag syndrome"? where it simply doesn't matter what the facts are. Am I biologically emitting some chemical that cheaters do?

Furthermore, is this my issue or theirs?


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Are you overly extroverted?

If you are, that could be interpreted as "flirty" I suppose.

Is your wife insecure?

More importantly... have you asked your wife why she makes this statement? If so, what did she say?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Are women trying to get you in the sack?

Or are these women just drumming up drama?

Are you very physically attractive? Are women always checking you out? Is your wife (or your mother) overweight with low self-esteem issues? Does your wife wish she had "played the field" (more experience) before you got serious at the age of 15?

Not enough info. We need more.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If people are truly capable of emitting some chemical from their body after they have cheated on their spouse, then my RSXW must have undoubtedly sweated out a sheer reservoir of the stuff; to the point that she could bottle and sell it!

Sell it? Now that makes total sense, since she loves making money the easy and pleasurable way!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> If people are truly capable of emitting some chemical from their body after they have cheated on their spouse, then my *RSXW* must have undoubtedly sweated out a sheer reservoir of the stuff; to the point that she could bottle and sell it!


For those who may be wondering:

RSXW = Urban Dictionary definition of "RSXW" (courtesy of @GusPolinski)

:lol:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Givernor said:


> my wife and mother have both made references to me "cheating" in recent times.
> 
> I'm 39 yo and have only had sex with my wife since I was 15.
> 
> ...


All I can say is from experience when a partner out of the blue starts accusing you of cheating you Best be looking at what they're doing.... Deflection is one of the first things a cheater does.


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

I admit this is more of a silly rant than an actual question.. just started wondering about it today again and thought it was somewhat humorous but sad also.

I like to think these two women know me better than anyone..and that’s the hurtful part. They do.

My wife admitted a few months back that she was snooping my TAM (big deal, right?) because she thought I was trying to cheat..She was crying and apologized and said she was ashamed. I stopped posting an incidentally never really discussed the things she read because it mostly amounted to me just being dramatic and trying to work things out in my head with TAM help.

But geez, I guess I have bigger issues if she still thinks I’m likely to cheat. I think I need to bring it up again. I do have a (not so) suppressed d-bag gene that she is well aware of, but I have to try and help this area of our relationship because she shouldn't feel way.

My mom has has suffered abuse and pretty much had a broken picker all her life and in turn doesn’t trust men.


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> Are you overly extroverted?
> 
> If you are, that could be interpreted as "flirty" I suppose.
> 
> ...


I didn't ask her why she thought I was cheating that day. After she said she read everything I wrote, I asked, "do you want to talk about any of it"? She said no. And that my posts just sound like someone who is bored with the relationship.

So I guess that didn't set her mind at ease very much. Hell, I thought I was mostly asking about how to communicate better and bond..This is how clueless I am about how my words come off, I guess.

Since then we have been getting along very well.

She is a little insecure. We both are, in fact. I'm trying to do a better job of boosting her confidence. I know in the past I've said less than flattering things that have worked against me in this area. We have been together a long time and have seen the worst of each other. I want to do better now.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Givenor,

I can see why she may be upset. I'll post a link to one of your threads below.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/244002-hd-women-married-20-years.html

In your opening post it _could_ be taken as feeling bored in her eyes. Why wouldn't that upset her?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

T&T said:


> Givenor,
> 
> I can see why she may be upset. I'll post a link to one of your threads below.
> 
> ...


I read that thread, and from a woman's POV, I don't see how she could perceive that as him being bored. If anything, it reads that he's worried about getting older and not being able to continue to keep up the pace and satisfy her--which is the exact opposite of being bored.

Givernor, do your wife and mom tag team you when they do this? Or do they do it separately? If they are tag teaming you, it means that one of them planted the idea in the other's mind. How long has this been going on, and how have you tried to address it thus far?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I never let my wife see my emails, posts or texts. It's just asking for trouble and she can easily twist my words and use it as a bullet against me. Not worth the trouble to be "up front".


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I read that thread, and from a woman's POV, I don't see how she could perceive that as him being bored. If anything, it reads that he's worried about getting older and not being able to continue to keep up the pace and satisfy her--which is the exact opposite of being bored.
> 
> Givernor, do your wife and mom tag team you when they do this? Or do they do it separately? If they are tag teaming you, it means that one of them planted the idea in the other's mind. How long has this been going on, and how have you tried to address it thus far?


Thanks, that is what I was trying to convey in that thread.. although there were some inferences that in hindsight read like I'm struggling to adjust my tastes to a more "mature" aged woman..



Anyhow, I never addressed the cheating comments with my mother or wife..My mother made the comment after I decided to have a vasectomy even when my wife was split on the decision..(she mentioned it in conversation to my mother and mom replied "Do you think he planning cheating on you?") 

I only know this because my wife came home and told me what she said..and I never brought it to mom. But I was in disbelief, lol. I thought, your mother is supposed remain in your corner even after everyone else loses faith in you..Here she was planting the very idea in my wife's head. sheesh...Yeah, there wasn't anyway for me to discuss that without getting ****ty with my mom.

I guess it's possible that led to my wife becoming more suspicious. Or she just had a spell of insecurity.
Regardless I'm left with the feeling that I'm viewed as less than totally faithful.

Again, I didn't attack the issue because she was upset about her own actions and I was again struggling to figure out how to talk about it without being defensive and angry...so i dropped it.
It would be just like me to spout of some nonsense in the heat of the moment to the effect of ...."geez, if I'm already seen as guilty, why am I not out banging some hot broads ?" 

I can be an assh*le at times, and assume that's all it is. But I tell you, it has really made me think about how deeply I would have to dig to project an energy that would eliminate any doubt of my faithfulness....conclusion: If it has not happened in 25 years, It's not going to happen...:crying:


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

nirvana said:


> I never let my wife see my emails, posts or texts. It's just asking for trouble and she can easily twist my words and use it as a bullet against me. Not worth the trouble to be "up front".


Actually, my wife has never made a huge issue about stuff like this, but there have always been little comments here and there that I just kind of laughed off.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Givernor said:


> my wife and mother have both made references to me "cheating" in recent times.


Really?

Your Mom?

Your mom needs to STFU and GTFO of your marriage. She is causing issues that you don't need.

You need to sit her down and ask/tell her the following:
1) Explain to me so I can understand why my own mother would accuse me of cheating.
2) Tell her you are being caustic to my marriage.
3) Tell her you are causing drama it must stop now
4) Does she understand how serious and potentially marriage ending her comments are?


As to your wife, you need to sit down and have a long talk and get to the bottom of her insecurities.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Givernor said:


> Thanks, that is what I was trying to convey in that thread.. although there were some inferences that in hindsight read like I'm struggling to adjust my tastes to a more "mature" aged woman..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How did your wife portray your mom when she told you about this? And how is THEIR relationship?

I would question the validity and the intention of such a comment passed to me second-hand. I mean, I look at this and think it could really be this: the wife and mom were talking, and the wife brings up the vasectomy, and the mom senses the wife's suspicions, and asks, _is this what you think? Are you suspicious?_ It could just as easily be the wife planting suspicions in the mom's head. Maybe the mom ISN'T suspicious at all; maybe the mom's question was intended to shine a light on the fact that the wife's thoughts are skewed. And the wife may have presented it to you (the husband) in a skewed way, so as to cover her own ass and to throw your mom under the bus.

I'm not saying that's what happened, but it's totally possible. After all, your wife IS questioning your fidelity when you given her no reason to at all.

I would ask your mom about it. Don't tell her why necessarily, just ask her if she remembers this conversation, and how it went down, and see if mom's version matches the wife's. I'd guess that she'll have a different version. I'd have a hard time believing that if a woman thought her son was stepping out, that she would talk about it behind his back, instead of saying something to him. I mean, unless your mom is a total nut case, if she thought you were being a sh!thead, she'd call you out on it. That's what moms DO, isn't it? Especially if she's been jerked around by men her whole life. (I might be totally wrong here, because my mom IS a nut case.)

If the conversation makes clear that she is suspicious of you, you're gonna have to have a talk with her. And then you're gonna have to have a talk with your wife.

ETA: I would want to know why, exactly, they think that you might be cheating. Because only then will you know what kind of crazy you're dealing with.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If your wife is insecure about your faithfulness, then it is time for the two of you to go to MC to address and resolve this issue.

Insecurity is toxic to any committed relationship, and it is often a factor behind many extra-marital affairs. If I were you, I wouldn't take this lightly.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I read that thread, and from a woman's POV, I don't see how she could perceive that as him being bored. If anything, it reads that he's worried about getting older and not being able to continue to keep up the pace and satisfy her--which is the exact opposite of being bored.
> 
> Givernor, do your wife and mom tag team you when they do this? Or do they do it separately? If they are tag teaming you, it means that one of them planted the idea in the other's mind. How long has this been going on, and how have you tried to address it thus far?


Hi FP,

It was just this line that I saw her _possibly_not liking very much. I know Givener said "no problem there" but it may have still hurt her feeling. I still think she _may_ have interpreted that she may be "boring" 

*I’m usually tasked with keeping things interesting and she’s a willing participant,* no problem there. Thing is, I feel like we may have gotten to this place that’s unsustainable.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

T&T said:


> Hi FP,
> 
> It was just this line that I saw her _possibly_not liking very much. I know Givener said "no problem there" but it may have still hurt her feeling. I still think she _may_ have interpreted that she may be "boring"
> 
> *I’m usually tasked with keeping things interesting and she’s a willing participant,* no problem there. Thing is, I feel like we may have gotten to this place that’s unsustainable.


Yes, that line can be very ambiguous if there is no context.

I am also a reasonable woman, and his wife seems less so given that she suspects him of having an affair... because he wanted a vasectomy. I've known plenty of men who've had vasectomies. Not a single one did it because they wanted to cheat; they all did it because they were done having kids and didn't want to have any accidents _with their partner_. She seems to draw some strange conclusions. So, in that regard, it's feasible that she would be upset over that other thread/post.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Ask them why they waste their time and your sanity speculating on things they know nothing about.


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