# Seems like I am going to uncover cheating



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

My wife and I are trying to be on friendly terms. We started texting some. We texted some this morning and she hasn't been to work in 3 weeks because of family she is living with having covid and then she got it. I was just asking her plans for the weekend and she talked about getting ready for work. However, she went immediately into a guy I think she was at least emotionally cheating with leaving her work to go somewhere else. She kept talking about how he liked her only on the team, he has a baby on the way, and she seemed a little depressed he is leaving.
She bragged when he started about April of 2021, that he was being trained by her and I did tell her to quit taking him out so much and someone else needs to. They work social work and are in the car together all day. So you know they're eating lunch. I remember her talking about respecting him for being in the military, he and his wife now have arguments over raising their children, and his first wife trying to mess with him somehow. I was always uncomfortable with their work relationship and this much information being shared.

What is very strange is she said after the divorce, she is going to move to a city that she has no connections to and is like 2 hours from here because it's closer to her home office. That's not true it's the same distance but it's just from a different direction. What is true though is the city is in an adjacent county this guy lives in and the city of where he will be working in. I remember trying to move and she wouldn't because her mom lives here, but now she is just apparently going to dump her???

I am thinking of denying the agreement to sell the house until she gives me access to the phone records again or My attorney can subpoena it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> I am thinking of denying the agreement to sell the house until she gives me access to the phone records again or My attorney can subpoena it.


I don’t understand… what does this get you besides a contentious divorce and more lawyers fees?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Unless you live in a state that has at fault divorce as an option, why bother? I do get it on an emotional level. Trust me, if she has a thing for making bad decisions then it will catch up to her. Play the long game, get yourself straight.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since the marriage is dead and over why would it matter? Just get the divorce done - then move forward and don’t look back!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

teutonic_metal said:


> *My wife and I are trying to be on friendly terms..... *
> 
> What is very strange is *she said after the divorce*, she is going to move to a city that she has no connections to and is like 2 hours from here because it's closer to her home office......I remember trying to move and she wouldn't because her mom lives here, but now she is just apparently going to dump her???
> 
> *I am thinking of denying the agreement to sell the house until she gives me access to the phone records again*or My attorney can subpoena it.


I agree with everyone else.

Your posts show that you are conflicted. You say you are trying to remain on friendly terms.

It sounds like the two of you have agreed upon getting divorced and the wheels are in motion.

Yes, your post and the title sound like you have to know if she cheated on you and with whom did she cheat. You sound like you have everything pretty well figured out, but you just NEED confirmation. Why?

Go sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself what you will gain by pushing to learn if she cheated and with whom? Will if make you feel more like a victim? Will it absolve you of your failures in the marriage? Will it help you to stop loving her? Are you trying to rub her nose in the fact that she cheated on you? Why would you want to slow down the house sale? Is it because you don't want the divorce finalized on some subconscious level? Do you want to delay the house sale as a way of exerting power over her and making her jump to your tune? When you have answered those questions, then ask if any of this will forward your goal of trying to end things on friendly terms? I don't think it will.

The end of your post sounds like you have already seen her phone records once and now you want to see them again. Why? If she covered her cheating tracks well enough for you to not spot anything the first time, do you think she missed a bunch of stuff and even if she did, don't you think she would give you a BS explaination. How will that help end your divorce with your wife on friendly terms? How would getting an attorney to subpoena them do anything but make things less friendly? A judge has to grant the subpoena and what valid thing would he think you would learn from examining her phone records? Will you tell him you suspect hidden assets she is hiding that phone records will reveal? The judge is going to want to have a valid reason fro granting a subpoena and finding out who she was cheating wit is not going to cut it.

Rather than putting all of this effort into tracking down her cheating, why don't you put the same amount of effort into coming up with a plan to get on with your life. You are going to have a lot to do establishing your own new residence. Moving, organizing, getting into a new social routine, are all things you will need to do. Have you thought about your future and what you are going to do? How are you going to pull your life together? How are you going to grieve the death of your marriage? Is all of this just obsessing on her phone records what she was doing with this business associate a way for you to avoid thinking about what you need to think about? I think it probably is.

Now as to your soon to be ex-wife. The process of divorce has started and on one level you want it to end with the two of you being on friendly terms. That is great. Focus on that and stay focused on that.

Let's assume your guess that she has been having an affair with this ex-military man on his second marriage with a pregnant wife and an ex-wife that is hassling him. If you have any compasion for your soon to be ex-wife, she is in for one emotional rough road ahead. If he leaves his pregnant wife for your ex-wife, he will be in one financial mess and likely a really ugly divorce. Let your poor about to be ex-wife go, she is going to soon have enough trauma in her life. Don't worry, you will likely have a front row seat to the whole thing, just keep your distance and don't get involved.

Please get some individual counseling, join a gym and start working out, join some kind of men's group or take up a hobby that gets you thinking about your future.

Good luck.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I agree with everyone else.
> 
> Your posts show that you are conflicted. You say you are trying to remain on friendly terms.
> 
> ...


I thank you and everyone for their insight and inputs. I am wanting this information because I pay for the bill too and she LOCKED me out. I think she is cheating. On the request she keeps saying she has nothing to hide. 
AGAIN = I have requested personally 3 times access to the account and she keeps saying she will work on it or need to do that and she never does. She locked me out of the account some time ago and I don't know when. I have never seen the records. I had access on 8/8/2020 when I was given the password to buy us new phones by her. At that time I could see both phones and their numbers anything I wanted to really but I didn't look. Now when I check it, and since she has left, it only shows my number and I can only see my usage of data, overall bill amount, and information about my phone (payoff, model, etc.) I can't see what numbers have been called, texted, how long/how many times numbers have been called, dates, etc.
This is not to "absolve" me of my faults in the marriage, make me feel better, convince me I did nothing wrong, etc. I think she is cheating, she locked me out of the account, she keeps delaying this, etc. I am not trying to hold anything over her, rub her nose in it, etc. and I don't want this divorce but I know she can have it. The marriage has ultimately failed because she is wanting a divorce and out. That pulls the plug on it. I initiated counseling and she was drawing up paperwork for divorce while telling me therapy was helping and agreeing to stay seperated and put off divorce. I know I am 50% responsible and even if she did cheat I still have my failures that I will process in therapy. I don't buy any crap if someone says my failures drove her to cheat or whatever. I am not responsible for the actions of others in such matters. That would be like saying I am responsible for a death in DUI accident because I argued with someone, he/her got drunk, and then crashed into someone and killed them.
Again, imam not offended by anything anyone has written and am thankful for caring. I am just clarifying my position. Ultimately, getting access to the phone records will show me either she cheated or didn't. Even, if she did cheat, I can't stop her from doing whatever she wants but at least I will know the truth. If I can't find proof, that will give me more peace that she probably didn't cheat. It's just troubling she locked me out of the account and is playing games on giving me access.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you pay for the bill, but are locked out?
so stop paying for the bill.

accelerate the divorce. get it done with as quickly as possible. you are playing mental games with yourself to avoid reality!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

teutonic_metal said:


> My wife and I are trying to be on friendly terms.


Uh, no you are not.

And, where is this _'wife' _that you are talking about.

A wife lives at home with her husband. She loves her husband and does everything to protect their marriage.

Yes, she may want to be on friendly terms (ha ha) but you are into spying on her, second guessing a women who is no longer your wife, except on paper.

She is done with you, yet, you are not done (with her).

Yes, she is having some sort of affair with this dude, likely, she is stalking him. She is stalking a man whose wife is pregnant.
I suspect she is the instigator, that she is the aggressor in this affair, that exists, or exists, only in her mind.

Nice woman, this wife of yours.
Uh, nope.

She is not a good catch, she is selfish and immoral.

You already know all these things.

What more can you glean?

If she were still living at home and going through the motions of (trying) to be a good wife, then yes, _stoop to snoop_ and verify.

At this anxious, wobbling point, use your energy in better _ways and means_.

She's gone, long live the ex-husband.
That be you, dude.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dude, it’s time to implement a hard 180 to help you detach. Just go full steam ahead with the divorce and the complete separation of your lives both emotionally and financially. The 180 is for you to detach because it’s plain to us you still have feelings for her. Do not research her call history or look at her info anymore because all your doing is pain shopping. You will not be able to detach if your looking up what she’s done or doing.

All these thoughts that you’re harboring about being friends need to be let go. She is not your friend and will not be in the future. Let all communication that is divorce or finance related be through text or email and if it’s about her or affair, you need to ignore and not even read it. Time to move forward with your life . She is going to be a woman you used to know.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I read your other threads. Whether she is cheating or not is the least of your problems right now. 

You need to be focusing your time and energies on protecting yourself and keeping from getting taken to the cleaners. You need to be concerned with protecting your assets and not getting screwed over and taken advantage of. 

She has already left and is making plans and taking action to divorce you so whether she is getting down with another guy or not is immaterial at this point. 

Unless you actually are abusive and threatening and she was fleeing in the night for her own safety, she probably is involved with someone else to one degree or another. But it doesn't matter now and even if you find she is involved with someone else, it won't matter and that knowledge will not be any benefit for you because she is already gone and has made it clear she has not intentions of coming back. 

Focus on protecting yourself and protecting your assets and don't worry about what her vagina is doing.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

teutonic_metal said:


> My wife and I are trying to be on friendly terms. We started texting some. We texted some this morning and she hasn't been to work in 3 weeks because of family she is living with having covid and then she got it. I was just asking her plans for the weekend and she talked about getting ready for work. However, she went immediately into a guy I think she was at least emotionally cheating with leaving her work to go somewhere else. She kept talking about how he liked her only on the team, he has a baby on the way, and she seemed a little depressed he is leaving.
> She bragged when he started about April of 2021, that he was being trained by her and I did tell her to quit taking him out so much and someone else needs to. They work social work and are in the car together all day. So you know they're eating lunch. I remember her talking about respecting him for being in the military, he and his wife now have arguments over raising their children, and his first wife trying to mess with him somehow. I was always uncomfortable with their work relationship and this much information being shared.
> 
> What is very strange is she said after the divorce, she is going to move to a city that she has no connections to and is like 2 hours from here because it's closer to her home office. That's not true it's the same distance but it's just from a different direction. What is true though is the city is in an adjacent county this guy lives in and the city of where he will be working in. I remember trying to move and she wouldn't because her mom lives here, but now she is just apparently going to dump her???
> ...


You're legally separated and getting divorced. Let it go man, focus on moving on with your life. You're just extending the pain and complicating things that don't need to be any more complicated.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You are starting to sound like a crazy person. Based on everything you have said here, I'm 99% sure you wife is cheating on you. Just accept it and move on. 

As others have said you need to go no contact, do the 180, and start working on yourself and getting your **** together.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Adding one more point...

Do you think obsessing about whether or not your soon to be ex wife had sex with other men is an attractive trait to other women you might meet? Absolutely not, it would be a major turn off. 

Do the work, be attractive, move on.

It sucks but you can do it. Embrace the pain.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She is done with the marriage. Just finalize the divorce.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

teutonic_metal said:


> I thank you and everyone for their insight and inputs. I am wanting this information because I pay for the bill too and she LOCKED me out. I think she is cheating. On the request she keeps saying she has nothing to hide.
> AGAIN = I have requested personally 3 times access to the account and she keeps saying she will work on it or need to do that and she never does. She locked me out of the account some time ago and I don't know when. I have never seen the records. I had access on 8/8/2020 when I was given the password to buy us new phones by her. At that time I could see both phones and their numbers anything I wanted to really but I didn't look. Now when I check it, and since she has left, it only shows my number and I can only see my usage of data, overall bill amount, and information about my phone (payoff, model, etc.) I can't see what numbers have been called, texted, how long/how many times numbers have been called, dates, etc.
> This is not to "absolve" me of my faults in the marriage, make me feel better, convince me I did nothing wrong, etc. I think she is cheating, she locked me out of the account, she keeps delaying this, etc. I am not trying to hold anything over her, rub her nose in it, etc. and I don't want this divorce but I know she can have it. The marriage has ultimately failed because she is wanting a divorce and out. That pulls the plug on it. I initiated counseling and she was drawing up paperwork for divorce while telling me therapy was helping and agreeing to stay seperated and put off divorce. I know I am 50% responsible and even if she did cheat I still have my failures that I will process in therapy. I don't buy any crap if someone says my failures drove her to cheat or whatever. I am not responsible for the actions of others in such matters. That would be like saying I am responsible for a death in DUI accident because I argued with someone, he/her got drunk, and then crashed into someone and killed them.
> Again, imam not offended by anything anyone has written and am thankful for caring. I am just clarifying my position. Ultimately, getting access to the phone records will show me either she cheated or didn't. Even, if she did cheat, I can't stop her from doing whatever she wants but at least I will know the truth. If I can't find proof, that will give me more peace that she probably didn't cheat. It's just troubling she locked me out of the account and is playing games on giving me access.


Ah, I see what you’re doing here. You don’t want the divorce, she does. If she is cheating on you, you think you can fix it. And if she is not cheating on you, you think you can fix it. 

She is done with you sir, you think you are being her friend, and by doing that she will come back to you if you’re nice enough. She is thinking, “I’ll keep this guy as my friend so I can get a new phone and free cell phone service.” Stop it. Make her pay for her cell phone in your divorce decree and tell her to get her own service. Let. Her. Go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She’s not going to be your friend. Know that!
That’s her illusion to appease you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@teutonic_metal Your wife wants to be your friend, post divorce, right?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> @teutonic_metal Your wife wants to be your friend, post divorce, right?


Makes you wonder why she couldn't be his friend WHEN they were married. 🤔


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Makes you wonder why she couldn't be his friend WHEN they were married. 🤔


Because if the spouse who wants the divorce can con the spouse who didn't want the divorce into believing they are friends and they are both happy, happy, happy, then the spouse who had a jones for the divorce and/or was cheating can say: "Look! I'm happy, my ex is happy! We are now friends after the divorce! Isn't this all such a happy lark?"


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Because if the spouse who wants the divorce can con the spouse who didn't want the divorce into believing they are friends and they are both happy, happy, happy, then the spouse who had a jones for the divorce and/or was cheating can say: "Look! I'm happy, my ex is happy! We are now friends after the divorce! Isn't this all such a happy lark?"


Amazing the world they live in, isn't it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Amazing the world they live in, isn't it?


My first girlfriend suddenly dumped me for a millionaire property developer and said: "But I still want us to be friends!"

She didn't really want us to be friends and acted like I didn't exist.

Mind you, it turned out that the millionaire property developer was in reality a convicted fraudster who had not a penny to his name and was living in the spare room of his mother's two bedroom terraced house in Chapletown, the deprived, rundown red light district of Leeds where the infamous Yorkshire Ripper operated.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> My first girlfriend suddenly dumped me for a millionaire property developer and said: "But I still want us to be friends!"
> 
> She didn't really want us to be friends and acted like I didn't exist.
> 
> Mind you, it turned out that the millionaire property developer was in reality a convicted fraudster who had not a penny to his name and was living in the spare room of his mother's two bedroom terraced house in Chapletown, the deprived, rundown red light district of Leeds where the infamous Yorkshire Ripper operated.


We can add, "But we can still be friends", to the list of commonly used phrases used. Along with "It I'd you, it's me" or "I love you but I'm not IN love with you"


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

They are never your friends. 

The reason a a lot of WWs say they want to remain friends is so no one will judge them or think poorly of them or ever say anything bad about them.

.... in other words no accountability, ramifications or repercussions for their actions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Definition of friend - loyal, honest , trustworthy. Drop the hopium pipe.
You can only be a chump if you allow it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

teutonic_metal said:


> ....... *I don't want this divorce but I know she can have it. The marriage has ultimately failed because she is wanting a divorce and out. That pulls the plug on it. I initiated counseling and she was drawing up paperwork for divorce while telling me therapy was helping and agreeing to stay seperated and put off divorce.*...........
> 
> Again, imam not offended by anything anyone has written and am thankful for caring. I am just clarifying my position. *Ultimately, getting access to the phone records will show me either she cheated or didn't*. Even, if she did cheat, *I can't stop her from doing whatever she wants* *but at least I will know the truth*. If I can't find proof, that will give me more peace that she probably didn't cheat. It's just troubling she locked me out of the account and is playing games on giving me access.


First, I am glad you have been getting therapy and its results were so notable that your soon to be ex, noticed the improvement.

Second, thank you for clarifying that you are against the divorce. This explains why you might want to delay the divorce by delaying the house sale. Previously, it did not make any sense.

If you really are opposed to the divorce, may I suggest you get a copy of M.W. Davis book Divorce Busting. It will provide you with a lot of things you might be capable of doing that MIGHT get your wife to change her mind. But only do that if you are really committed to saving the marriage, because it will require a tremendous amount of emotionally hard work on your part and the chance of succeeding will be small as it would require commitment from your wife that she doesn't seem to want to make.

Third you still sound conflicted. In your latest post you indicate that you know the divorce will happen and seem to be resigned to the divorce happening, even if you don't want it to. I would suggest that you sit down with your counselor and discuss whether you should embrace the fact that you are going to be divorced or if you should try to fight it and remain married to this woman. I would urge you to embrace it and move forward as quickly as possible with the divorce, but it is your choice. Invest all that time and effort into rebuilding yourself rather than fighting what she wants and you know she will likely get.

You should also spend some time trying to figure out why it is so very important to know whether she cheated or not. From an outsiders perspective you look like you are keeping your mind busy rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, while it is sinking. Yes, from my reading of your posts, your focus on if she cheated is allowing you to avoid thinking about your marriage ending and what you should do. Furthermore you focus on the phone bills is a mental diversion as to whether she cheated or not. When seriously bad things happen to someone, they often avoid dealing with the totality of what they are facing by focusing on tiny details that really don't matter. There are so many stories about people about to die, where all they can think about and do is senseless cosmetic things that have nothing to do with saving their life. You seem to be doing exactly that with the death of your marriage.

Fourth, in my opinion, the only valid reason for finding out if she really cheated on you or not, would be if she came to you and said she doesn't want to divorce you and wants you to take her back. If that happens (which I really don't think it will), then you can easily ask her to provide phone records, etc. so you can figure out if she cheated or not and if she can be trusted enough to remain your wife. Short of her saying she wants you to take her back, give up thinking about whether she cheated or not, about what her phone records contain. 

Fifth, if you newest diversionary obsession is that you are paying for phone service that she has locked you out of seeing, then have your divorce attorney get your name taken off of her phone service as part of the divorce settlement. 

Finally, take a step back, clear your mind and start thinking about what you want your life to look like in 10 years, 15 years, and 20 years. Do you want to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman who absolutely loves you and you absolutely trust? What kind of woman do you want to retire with? What kind of woman, if you die first, do you want to be able to spend what is left of your hard earned money? Is your soon to be ex-wife that kind of woman?

Good luck.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @teutonic_metal Your wife wants to be your friend, post divorce, right?


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