# husband cheated and said doesn't love me anymore



## Neelhelp (Jul 20, 2017)

Hi Guys,

Last week I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for the last 8-9 months. We have been married for 9 years, together 10 years. This is not the first time he has cheated, he has done it several times before. He admitted that he has never been faithful in any of his relationships in the past and has commitment issues. He always said he loved me but now he is saying he doesn't love me anymore. We have had many obstacles during 9 years, we have dealt with infidelity and infertility issues. I always pushed through thinking he still loved me, regardless of our issues, I never stopped loving him. He said he stopped feeling love from me and it feels fake when I hug him or touch him. 

While we were married, he had a kid with another woman. With time I started loving that kid like mine. God was not kind to me either, with the last 5 years of trying for a baby I never conceived. We tried many fertility procedures but nothing worked. Over the years I told myself that its okay if his son didn't come from me, I can still love him like mine and I do. His son loves me too. I took this as a God's decision and just plowed through. Regardless of everything I still loved my husband. In my mind I always loved him unconditionally. 

Hearing him say he doesn't love me anymore has completely broken my heart. In the last 2/3 months, he stopped saying "Love you" to me. He said fertility treatments killed our intimacy and he needed some time. We barely have sex, in the past 7 months we have had sex 4/5 times. Whenever I brought up that perhaps we see a therapist to get some help, he told me I am pushing and he just needs some time to heal. I stopped hassling him, I thought I was giving him time. I thought if I stopped pushing it, he will heal. I am at complete loss right now. I cannot stop crying, I cannot focus at work or at home. I get panic attacks out of nowhere. When I am at work, I want to be home, when at home, I want to be at work. When with people I want to be alone, but when alone, I want to be with people. Since last week, we have had many conversations and revealed many things that went wrong in our marriage. One day I want to work on my marriage, work on the things he said are missing but then one day I want to let him go thinking perhaps he will be happier with another person. 

He hasn't seen the other woman since last week, she left since she found out he was married. I feel like he misses her and loves her. Even though he says he only cared for her there was no love between them. She sent me pictures of his text messages saying how much he loved her and missed her when he wasn't with her. He said he knew his affair was wrong, but it was something new and exciting so he went along with it. I have not talked about this to anyone yet. He said he hasn't been faithful to anyone in his past relationships and needs to find out what is wrong with him. He has had issues with his parents when he was younger. When I said I didn't want to be with him anymore, he told I need to give him time while he is in therapy. Regardless of all the heartache and **** I have been through, I still love this man. My heart tells me to give him some time, let him work through his issues. Even with our issues, we had many many good times. But at the same time, I do not want to drag him or myself through marriage with one sided love.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Love yourself more and let go... why would you want to keep this suffering in your life?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Can you envision a man that feels for you as you do him? Can you imagine how that would be? It can be a reality IF you find the right man. Your H has never matured and he most probably never will. Find someone that cares for you and you will wonder why you continued on for so long with a man that does not.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

PLEASE love yourself more and leave this guy... I know it hurts like hell but you have to know he will always cheat. He told you straight up that he has never been faithful.. I would go straight to the lawyer and see how fast you can divorce and move on. You have to do this for yourself.. This guy is bad news and he will continue hurting her unless you leave.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Neelhelp said:


> This is not the first time he has cheated, he has done it several times before. He admitted that he has never been faithful in any of his relationships in the past .


This is all you really need to know. 

Act accordingly and don't get bogged down in all the extraneous minutia.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

If it's not the first time and he's told you how he is, then you have a decision to make. My husband said the same thing to me, but I'd like to think if he repeatedly cheated on me I would detach faster than I'm already attempting to.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, don't waste another 10 years of your life. See a psychologist to get your mindset in the right direction. You deserve more than what you have now. Let go and move on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Neelhelp said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> Last week I found out that my husband had been cheating on me for the last 8-9 months. We have been married for 9 years, together 10 years. This is not the first time he has cheated, he has done it several times before. He admitted that he has never been faithful in any of his relationships in the past and has commitment issues. He always said he loved me but now he is saying he doesn't love me anymore. We have had many obstacles during 9 years, we have dealt with infidelity and infertility issues. I always pushed through thinking he still loved me, regardless of our issues, I never stopped loving him. He said he stopped feeling love from me and it feels fake when I hug him or touch him.
> 
> ...


Neelhelp, I know you are hurting deeply at the moment but believe me when I say get out now. This man has never really loved you or he wouldn't have cheated so many times. When a woman cannot have a child, it creates a lot of pressure on the marriage ( I know a few couples in this position) but a loving, mature decent man would be supportive not thinking of himself. Your WH is selfish, immature and basically a POS. 
He has no respect for you which is not surprising as you have allowed him to walk all over you, stop it right now and take back your life and self respect. You do not know what a decent relationship looks like.
Do not give him any more of your time and life. Ask him to leave (you will survive without him), go and see a lawyer and file for divorce and get this scum out of your life. It will be hard at first but once you get rid of the baggage you will be better off for it.

Tell your family and friends what he has been doing and reach out to them for help. Tell him he is free to go, you want better for your life.

What age are you?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He has shown you who he is. 
Believe him.

If you "give him time" do it with your eyes open and with full knowledge that he loves himself more than he anyone else, including you. He will be unfaithful again.


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## Neelhelp (Jul 20, 2017)

aine said:


> Neelhelp, I know you are hurting deeply at the moment but believe me when I
> 
> 
> 
> What age are you?


I am 34 and he is 41.


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## Neelhelp (Jul 20, 2017)

I knew what the answers will be in this forum. As some of you know when it hurts, it is so difficult to make a decision. This is the only man I have known intimately, for this reason I find it is so hard to let go.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He isn't going to change. He has told you as much. He's cheated in every relationships has ever had. Need time to heal is code for need time for his sidepiece.

Do you want to live the rest of year life checking up on every whereabout, setting yourself into a panic if he comes home 5 minutes late, wondering why he is getting a text at 12:00 am? 

Or break it off, and get a fresh start on your own?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Neelhelp said:


> I knew what the answers will be in this forum. As some of you know when it hurts, it is so difficult to make a decision. This is the only man I have known intimately, for this reason I find it is so hard to let go.


Yes @Neelhelp but he isn't that much of a man, is he?

You deserve better!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Neelhelp said:


> Over the years I told myself that its okay if his son didn't come from me, I can still love him like mine and I do. His son loves me too. I took this as a God's decision and just plowed through. Regardless of everything I still loved my husband. In my mind I always loved him unconditionally.
> 
> Hearing him say he doesn't love me anymore has completely broken my heart.


I'm sorry you're going through this difficult and seemingly hopeless time. I recommend restarting your life without your husband as soon as possible. However, you need to start making good solid plans for your future. By the way, it's really God's decision that your husband (who doesn't seem to love you) got another woman pregnant instead of you?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My dear, first, a virtual hug sent your way. Second, at 34 you can re-start with a man that will honour and cherish you, instead of betraying and disrespecting you. He is despicable, and has a significant problem, in that he admits that he cannot be faithful in any relationship. Therefore, you should not discount the value of your love and commitment by giving it to someone who does not recognize that value. My dear, there is a world of men out there, good men who will be faithful and loving husbands, good men who will be loving fathers, good men who will not cheat for the thrill of it, good men who will be at your side, in the "foxhole" with you day in and day out.

It hurts, we all know that. You do not deserve to be hurt, as you have done absolutely nothing wrong, save and except for picking the worst mate. Leave him and find happiness elsewhere. You will be better off for it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Neelhelp said:


> I knew what the answers will be in this forum. As some of you know when it hurts, it is so difficult to make a decision. This is the only man I have known intimately, for this reason I find it is so hard to let go.


You have to let go for your own sanity, it's not like he had a one night stand. You will be happier in the long run.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Neelhelp said:


> He said he hasn't been faithful to anyone in his past relationships and *he needs to find out what is wrong with him.* When I said I didn't want to be with him anymore, he told I need to give him time while he is in therapy.


I can save him the trouble. He's simply an immature, serial cheating POS. At age 40 he's not going to change. And I'm sorry to say this, but because you have tolerated his serial cheating for so long - not to mention taking in his love child; you have enabled his behavior. 

And what is your reward? He tells you he doesn't love you anymore. Most surely because he has lost all respect for you, for not standing up for yourself. For serial rug sweeping.

But the time has come for you to forget gaining back his respect. Whether or not he respects you doesn't matter anymore because he doesn't deserve for you to care. You need to gain back *your* self respect. You need to overcome *your* co-dependence. You need to divorce this despicable man, get into IC, and seek out a loving, trustworthy partner.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You seriously need to get rid of this man. He has wasted enough of your life. Love yourself enough to get out.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

He is a waste of life. Divorce him... leave him and that means the kid too.

There are other guys out there.

What is there to LOVE here?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Neelhelp - very sorry that you are here.

The decisions that you are trying to make are hard and painful ones. To try and do this alone, from a place of deep hurt and a sense of helplessness is very difficult. Are you going to any form of counselling or therapy for yourself at the moment? Do you have anyone that you can get objective emotional support from? For me, IC was incredibly helpful in getting my emotions more stable so that I was able to understand where I was and what I wanted.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I suggest you compare your situation with some of the other posts where there were attempts are reconciliation.

At least in the other cases, the Waywards TRY to put on an appearance of remorse. Your husband is unrepentant.

In the absence of remorse, there can be no reconciliation. You must move on. Divorce him.


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## Neelhelp (Jul 20, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> Neelhelp - very sorry that you are here.
> 
> The decisions that you are trying to make are hard and painful ones. To try and do this alone, from a place of deep hurt and a sense of helplessness is very difficult. Are you going to any form of counselling or therapy for yourself at the moment? Do you have anyone that you can get objective emotional support from? For me, IC was incredibly helpful in getting my emotions more stable so that I was able to understand where I was and what I wanted.


I started last week. I am honestly at my weakest at this time.


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## Neelhelp (Jul 20, 2017)

Wolfman1968 said:


> I suggest you compare your situation with some of the other posts where there were attempts are reconciliation.
> 
> At least in the other cases, the Waywards TRY to put on an appearance of remorse. Your husband is unrepentant.
> 
> In the absence of remorse, there can be no reconciliation. You must move on. Divorce him.


He is remorseful but at the same time he loves himself more.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Neelhelp said:


> He is remorseful but at the same time he loves himself more.


That is not remorse, to love yourself MORE....thats just....not remorse or regret...

His emotion is not real. its show.... Why? because he has cheated before and done it again and again. He is regretting being caught again, or having to hear the BS you have to say about your feelings. You are an inconvienience to him. You are the ball and chain. no one loves that. 

(YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG) other than marry a douche bag. You are on an infidelity forum, welcome to the club of people who often chose the wrong sort. 

In some cases we can help each other save our marriages, but in this case, we cannot help you save it. But we can tell you that this is a lost cause....Why? because he has no interest in working. He says he does not love you? Ha..... That is your answer. 

Please call a lawyer today.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

He is not REMORSEFUL. He did it over and over again. He's a serial cheater, its all about him.

As long as you stay with him, you will be hurt over and over again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I dont think you love him, you are codependent, and have zero self respect. You may THINK you love him, but you dont... you will realize it once you are able to get yourself away from him. 

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact he had a baby with this other woman, and instead of divorcing his ass, you took that child into your life. THAT is how sickly codependent you are.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stay, this is what the rest of your life will be like. 

Can you deal with that?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go see your attorney and get your power back.

Stop the pick me dance.

He is selfish.

Find out your options from your attorney.


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