# Recently Betrayed and More Lies



## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Hello,

I am new here today and I thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully offer your input. (sorry for the lengthy story) Here's the background. Hubby & I are in our mid 40's, have been together 29 years, married for 20 years. We were high school sweethearts and in essence were each others "only." I would describe our marriage prior to all of this as ideal. We do almost everything together, and really enjoyed it that way. We were the couple that everyone looked up to and aspired to be. Don't get me wrong, we had our disagreements and such, but we always worked it out and the relationship was strong, solid and healthy. ( Or so I thought!) As we approached the end of 2012, we decided to start a new diet together and get real healthy. We are not excessively overweight, just need to drop some extra pounds and look good and get healthy. My husband became "obsessed" with the diet plan and working out. This consumed so much of our conversations and it was actually annoying to a point. I kept thinking lighten up, this is not as big of a deal as you are making it. After about 5-6 days of the diet, he claimed he had "insomnia". We always went to bed together, but now he just could not sleep and so off to bed alone I went. I would awaken 1 1/2 - 2 hrs later and he was still not in the bed. Hmmm... the alarms started to ring in my head. Initially, I thought what is he doing, maybe watching "movies" and "such"...ok, I could live with that, I told myself. The more days that went by, the same behavior continued, and I became more suspicious. He seemed slightly more attentive and still very obsessed with the workouts & diet. He had recently changed his cell phone (claiming the other one had battery issues) Ok, seems odd, true his phone was funky, but another red flag. I went to him approx one week later after I noticed these changes and asked him if there was anything going on. He said, Absolutely Not! What am I talking about, he has so much energy from the diet, blah, blah, blah. I started to question myself and think I was paranoid. A week later I was having lunch with a friend. She asked how hubby was (in a normal inquisitive way) I hemmed and hawed ( I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything) and I said to her I felt something was off with him. She said No way, not him, you guys are perfect. Go home, talk to him and work out "my" issues. That night I went home, and secretly checked his computer history. Nothing, nada, zilch. I looked at the settings and saw that it was checked off to delete everything every time he logged off. Weird, I thought, but then realized maybe it was always set that way, I had never checked his computer before. The next morning, I went to his computer again and nothing! I unchecked all of the delete boxes and now I had to sit and wait. I knew he would never think to "re-check" the settings, no need to. Later that morning, I asked him again, is everything ok? He again stated yes, what is wrong with me, etc....I begged him to tell me if there was anything I should know, it would be better if it comes from him. Again, he swears to me that there is nothing! That night, the usual bedtime ritual he now established was in force. I went to bed at 10:20 and he had "insomnia." Needless to say, that night's sleep was tough for me. I could hardly wait to get in front of his computer and see for myself if my worst suspicions were valid or if I was going nuts! Well, I wasn't nuts. There it all was! Literally, 10 minutes after I went to bed, he logged into a sex chat site. The history also showed the name of this one girl in 15 searches.(ie: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Google) I sat there shaking and shocked. WTF! How dare he? 
I sat on the info for approx 30 minutes and checked in with my lunch friend and confirmed my suspicions to her. She was shocked! I did not know what my next step was? Do I wait to collect more damaging info or approach him now? My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I couldn't take it anymore, so I typed on my computer screen: The Truth Will Set You Free! I placed it in his view and after 20-30 seconds, he says what is that? I said, you tell me! Read it, really read it! He played dumb and said I don't get it. We "danced" around the whole thing for a few minutes and I said to him, I am throwing you a rope, grab it, think about this and tell me! The guilt on his face was evident. He said Ok, it's not a big deal, I have been going on a sex chat site and just chatting! He did not seem terribly remorseful, in his mind, it was playing. I asked who the girl was that he searched for, and he said someone he had been chatting with and he just looked her up to see what she looked like. I was livid, how dare he minimize this. Having explicit sex talk with other women is not acceptable. (Especially when our sex life is healthy and relatively consistent) Come to find out, that all of this has been going on for 2 1/2 weeks ( as soon as I suspected) Every night, a different random girl or 2 or 3 and him would sit there getting each other off. I went nuts, asked him to leave and I took off for a couple of hrs. That afternoon, we sat down and I screamed my head off. What else is there? How far did this go? Do you have any pictures? No, this was it, he was having a midlife crisis and he loves me more than anything. He begged me, we have to fight and get past this! I sat there devastated. I left that night, out with girlfriends, and I drank wayyyyy too much to numb the pain. Came home, after midnight and we sat and talked quietly (kids were asleep) and he begged for forgiveness. Swore there was NO more, and it was over, he was glad I found it so we could just move on. The entire weekend was devoted to long talks and trying to heal and agreeing we would go to counseling. On day 4 after the initial discovery, I checked his cell phone. He had continually offered me the chance to look over the weekend, and I declined since I knew he would of deleted everything anyway. For some reason, I decided to look now. I went to a text msg between him and his friend. The msg started with: I got caught! Hmmm,wait a minute, if that is your first msg, your friend must know what was happening! Fire starts raging, his friends goes on with the normal questions, how did I find out, better fix it, etc... Then hubby writes: She didn't find any pics or anything else! WHAT, hold on, what do you mean I didn't find pics or anything else. You swore to me that there was nothing else! For the past 4 days you begged me to believe that all of these conversations were only on this anonymous chat site. 
I went to him and asked him how did his friend know? He said I needed someone to talk to and when he had met with him for dinner last week, he told him I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. His friends reply was don't get caught. I asked about the pics or anything else comment and he danced around again for 5 minutes that it was nothing. Just a comment. I knew better in my heart. After begging and pleading, he said ok, one girl sent me a picture through the chat site in a link. So, now there is a picture! Did he send one...NO! Here we had just spent 4 days of trying to heal and now more lies. Again, we tried talking, crying etc... and I begged him to tell me now if there is anything else. He swore, No, that was it! I unhappily accepted it, I was desperate to believe him. 2 days later, it still does not sit right with me. I kept playing it over in my head: "She didn't find any pics or anything else". Pics was plural and what was anything else to find? 2 days later, I sat him down again and told him I was going to take his laptop to a professional and have a recovery run on all of the deleted items. He became very defensive and his demeanor displayed guilt. Why couldn't I just let it go and work on the positive? We danced around some more and he finally says, Ok, I was privately e-mailing with one girl and she also sent a pic. Ok, so now this left the chat site and became personal with e-mails of I miss you, I want to run away with you, etc...AND another girl sent him her picture. He says it is all games, I NEVER would leave us for anyone of them! He tries to convince me that it was all BS! At this point, I am numb. How many more lies do I have to uncover before it is all out. Again, he swears to me that he is cleansed and I now know it all. He tells me he closed the e-mail account and that was it. Realing with more pain, I don't believe anything he says. I beg him yet again, tell me now, anything else, EVERYTHING! That's it, there is no more, he promises. We attempt to work through it again, and begin counseling on Tuesday AM. We sit there for 2 hrs and try to see if we can recover. 
I still leave with more suspicions and on Wed. AM I send an e-mail from my personal e-mail to his "closed" e-mail acct. If the account is closed, than I will get an undeliverable message. I wait for 1 hr and no message comes through. I sit there and seethe. There has to be a reasonable explanation, there just can't be more deception. I sat down with him and explained what I had done. I asked him to open the account and in front of me he attempts to log in. It takes him through more security issues to get in b/c the account was deactivated, but it remains on the company's server for 9 months. The account opens and it is empty. No items are in the inbox, sent items, etc....I sit and stare at this account and know that here is where intimate personal exchanges were shared with strangers. I am sickened. I ask him again, were there any other conversations other than the 1 girl on here. He swears to me and says NO! With that I click the compose button and type alphabetically letter by letter to see if any weird names come up. There is my truth. I start with the letter A and sure enough here is a new name! I ask him how did this name get here? He starts fumbling..I don't know and more lies again. Finally he shares with me that yes, this was another girl. I go through the entire alphabet and 2 more names are uncovered. Now, we have a total of 3 girls who he is personally emailing with OFF of the chat site and they are sending pics to him and YES, he now admits he sent his picture to them. All of the messages are gone, but he tells me how he played the game and led each girl to believe that he would come after them and run off with them. 
Fast forward to today (only 1 day later after yesterday's newest discoveries) and I am broken. The hurt and the betrayal of the initial incident is hard enough, but for the past 2 weeks every time I dig more, more ugliness is revealed. So I sit and ponder, what now? What else is out there? I will never believe him, trust him, look at him the same way. He pleads with me to continue counseling and not quit on us. Go through the process and see if we can recover. Just don't give up yet. What is my incentive? Sure, I love him, but I absolutely don't trust him. We have built a life, a home, a family together and we have 20 years of marriage under our belts. But, the hole in my belly is bleeding. My world is upside down and my faith and trust in this man is shattered. I fear it is permanent. Your thoughts?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

So sorry you are here but glad you found this forum, there are lots of good people here that have been in your position who will help you through this.

The fact that he didnt come clean and you kept finding more and more makes it harder to regain trust.

Only you know if you can ever trust him again. IF he does the heavy lifting and you are willing you CAN get past this. I say "if you are willing" because some people just cant get past it and its easier to leave.

I would distance myself from him, tell him you dont know how you feel right now or if the marriage is even worth saving anymore. Tell him you begged for truth and honesty and he swore he gave it to you for you to find out over and over there was more. That kills a soul. You need to take all of the time you need to figure out what YOU want!


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am new here today and I thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully offer your input. (sorry for the lengthy story) Here's the background. Hubby & I are in our mid 40's, have been together 29 years, married for 20 years. We were high school sweethearts and in essence were each others "only." I would describe our marriage prior to all of this as ideal. We do almost everything together, and really enjoyed it that way. We were the couple that everyone looked up to and aspired to be. Don't get me wrong, we had our disagreements and such, but we always worked it out and the relationship was strong, solid and healthy. ( Or so I thought!) As we approached the end of 2012, we decided to start a new diet together and get real healthy. We are not excessively overweight, just need to drop some extra pounds and look good and get healthy. My husband became "obsessed" with the diet plan and working out. This consumed so much of our conversations and it was actually annoying to a point. I kept thinking lighten up, this is not as big of a deal as you are making it. After about 5-6 days of the diet, he claimed he had "insomnia". We always went to bed together, but now he just could not sleep and so off to bed alone I went. I would awaken 1 1/2 - 2 hrs later and he was still not in the bed. Hmmm... the alarms started to ring in my head. Initially, I thought what is he doing, maybe watching "movies" and "such"...ok, I could live with that, I told myself. The more days that went by, the same behavior continued, and I became more suspicious. He seemed slightly more attentive and still very obsessed with the workouts & diet. He had recently changed his cell phone (claiming the other one had battery issues) Ok, seems odd, true his phone was funky, but another red flag. I went to him approx one week later after I noticed these changes and asked him if there was anything going on. He said, Absolutely Not! What am I talking about, he has so much energy from the diet, blah, blah, blah. I started to question myself and think I was paranoid. A week later I was having lunch with a friend. She asked how hubby was (in a normal inquisitive way) I hemmed and hawed ( I wasn't sure I wanted to say anything) and I said to her I felt something was off with him. She said No way, not him, you guys are perfect. Go home, talk to him and work out "my" issues. That night I went home, and secretly checked his computer history. Nothing, nada, zilch. I looked at the settings and saw that it was checked off to delete everything every time he logged off. Weird, I thought, but then realized maybe it was always set that way, I had never checked his computer before. The next morning, I went to his computer again and nothing! I unchecked all of the delete boxes and now I had to sit and wait. I knew he would never think to "re-check" the settings, no need to. Later that morning, I asked him again, is everything ok? He again stated yes, what is wrong with me, etc....I begged him to tell me if there was anything I should know, it would be better if it comes from him. Again, he swears to me that there is nothing! That night, the usual bedtime ritual he now established was in force. I went to bed at 10:20 and he had "insomnia." Needless to say, that night's sleep was tough for me. I could hardly wait to get in front of his computer and see for myself if my worst suspicions were valid or if I was going nuts! Well, I wasn't nuts. There it all was! Literally, 10 minutes after I went to bed, he logged into a sex chat site. The history also showed the name of this one girl in 15 searches.(ie: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Google) I sat there shaking and shocked. WTF! How dare he?
> I sat on the info for approx 30 minutes and checked in with my lunch friend and confirmed my suspicions to her. She was shocked! I did not know what my next step was? Do I wait to collect more damaging info or approach him now? My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I couldn't take it anymore, so I typed on my computer screen: The Truth Will Set You Free! I placed it in his view and after 20-30 seconds, he says what is that? I said, you tell me! Read it, really read it! He played dumb and said I don't get it. We "danced" around the whole thing for a few minutes and I said to him, I am throwing you a rope, grab it, think about this and tell me! The guilt on his face was evident. He said Ok, it's not a big deal, I have been going on a sex chat site and just chatting! He did not seem terribly remorseful, in his mind, it was playing. I asked who the girl was that he searched for, and he said someone he had been chatting with and he just looked her up to see what she looked like. I was livid, how dare he minimize this. Having explicit sex talk with other women is not acceptable. (Especially when our sex life is healthy and relatively consistent) Come to find out, that all of this has been going on for 2 1/2 weeks ( as soon as I suspected) Every night, a different random girl or 2 or 3 and him would sit there getting each other off. I went nuts, asked him to leave and I took off for a couple of hrs. That afternoon, we sat down and I screamed my head off. What else is there? How far did this go? Do you have any pictures? No, this was it, he was having a midlife crisis and he loves me more than anything. He begged me, we have to fight and get past this! I sat there devastated. I left that night, out with girlfriends, and I drank wayyyyy too much to numb the pain. Came home, after midnight and we sat and talked quietly (kids were asleep) and he begged for forgiveness. Swore there was NO more, and it was over, he was glad I found it so we could just move on. The entire weekend was devoted to long talks and trying to heal and agreeing we would go to counseling. On day 4 after the initial discovery, I checked his cell phone. He had continually offered me the chance to look over the weekend, and I declined since I knew he would of deleted everything anyway. For some reason, I decided to look now. I went to a text msg between him and his friend. The msg started with: I got caught! Hmmm,wait a minute, if that is your first msg, your friend must know what was happening! Fire starts raging, his friends goes on with the normal questions, how did I find out, better fix it, etc... Then hubby writes: She didn't find any pics or anything else! WHAT, hold on, what do you mean I didn't find pics or anything else. You swore to me that there was nothing else! For the past 4 days you begged me to believe that all of these conversations were only on this anonymous chat site.
> ...


Unfortunately it might have "just" been a mid life crisis and/or a game to him, but YOU get to live with the fallout the rest of your life. He is behaving cowardly by not coming clean with you and watching you suffer. He's not sparing your feelings - he's minimizing to get himself out of hot water! Ugh I feel for you, when you feel your marriage is one way and then discover your H secret life. 
Best case scenario ? He got a little bored, decided to investigate one if these sites thinking nothing could possibly happen - and then got caught up like so many others. From what I read on here ALL the time is the addictive nature of these underground situations... I wouldn't call what he did an affair. Just kind of creepy and pathetic. You will never feel the same way about him, but if you want to, you can certainly move forward from this. The LIEING tho - that's the worst part IMO. I mean, be a man! If you're caught - don't squirm and lie - its too pathetic! How can they justify it? And watch you suffer?! Oh, my heart goes out to you, hang in there and remember it IS him, not you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

The behavior was devasting enough, but the continuous gas lighting would make it very hard for me to forgive him....I could never trust him again. 

I don't even know if I would bother with marriage counselling at this point, I would need some time away from him to decide if the marriage is worth the agony I know is coming...I've been married 28 years, this most likely would be a deal breaker for me, but I am not the forgiving type.

At best, you will never look at him the same, and he will have to understand that he alone is responsible for that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He was living out a fantasy and headed - like a wrecking ball - to destroy the years you had built together. With little respect for you or his kids. I presume that your view of the state of your marriage was not shared by your husband.

A person does not continually seek out potential sex partners, share fantasies, and trade photos, if they are in a comitted relationship. I have never subscribed to the notion of a midlife crisis. It's a copout for greediness, selfishness, and a feeling of entitlement. 

His "crisis" is bullsnot, but he has caused a "real life" crisis in your family. He caused the crisis and now he wants you to basically ignore the crisis.

I recommend a cooling off period. You need to come to grips with the new reality of your marriage. Find a competent counselor to help you see clearly the state of your emotions. I recommend he do the same. There probably is more to the story hidden under the surface so don't even attempt MC until you have a clear view of yourvown feelings.

So sorry you are experiencing this trauma. It's effects will be long lasting.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your input so far. I feel like I am dying in my own skin. I am emotionally ripped to pieces and feel like the walls are closing around me. I feel such a strong urge/pressure (self induced) to make a decision: End It or Try for R. For some reason I cannot just sit idle and sort out my feelings and it makes me feel more frustrated with myself. Please keep your thoughts coming.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I wouldn't call this an affair at this point because there was no emotional or real physical connection, but it certainly is a betrayal. I think the real issue for you here is the gas lighting. There is also a risk that this is just preliminary behavior before something more serious. 

Personally I would have him write out a complete time line and tell him to include every detail. State that one omission will result in serious consequences. Seperation, divorce. Whatever you are comfortable threatening. Remember that whatever you threaten you will need to follow through with if he does not comply. After you get the time line take him for a lie detector test.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ovid 's suggestion is sound.
Have him write down the names, contact info and means of contact (secret email acct, apps, etc) along with the timeline. Have him do it in ink in a spiral notebook. Give him a day or two. When he's done. Review it all with him. If he refuses, then you know where you stand. Call it quits.
If he accepts then continue....

Have him call the police dept or dept of public safety to find the name of competent polygraphers. Have him schedule a polygraph exam. Among the questions:
Is what you wrote in the spiral the whole truth?
Have you done this before?
Do you secretly want a divorce?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Call me crazy, but to me online mutual masterbation, sending naked pics, emailing multiple chicks about meeting up = cheating. I agree it's not an affair, more like serial cheating. It's not like his wife was denying him, she was practically begging him to come to bed with her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I feel such a strong urge/pressure (self induced) to make a decision


It's important that you focus on doing exactly the opposite. 


Random thoughts...

You may feel this strong subconscience urge/pressure because you think the 'decision' represents a turning point and a measure of closure. Where some of the pain will be alleviated and you can begin moving on from there. I think you'll find it won't give you the relief your hoping for.

Rushing anything in this process is a mistake and can lead to emotional 'rugsweeping'. The 'quick forgive', or move on. That appears like an attractive alternative to this pain, but it's just deferring pain that you'll pay for with 'interest' later. 

You have a long, confusing and painful path laid out in front of you. You can't go around it, or rush it. You have to go straight through the middle of it and your in the eye right now. I know it's terrible, I'm sorry.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> Call me crazy, but to me online mutual masterbation, sending naked pics, emailing multiple chicks about meeting up = cheating. I agree it's not an affair, more like serial cheating. It's not like his wife was denying him, she was practically begging him to come to bed with her.


:iagree:

The betrayal is there even if it wasn't an A.


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