# Is there a legitimate reason?



## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

DH and I married almost 20 years, both previously married to someone who cheated. He is a supervisor and works very long hours with many young people. In the last few years he often goes drinking after work, hiding when he actually leaves work. Recently I found he has a female coworker's email and a code on a slip of paper that I figured out is her password to several popular sites and apps. He's not going out of his way to hide it, just in a drawer. Yet he is very private with his phone. I don't know if he has another email or a secret texting app. As far as I can tell he hasnt called or texted her, but I know she has hung out at the same bars. Why would someone give you both their email and password? I am not ready to ask him myself until I know the possibilities so I don't get irrational in the moment.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Is he using her as a go-between with someone else? Could he be using her email to be in contact with someone else? I certainly can't imagine why someone would give up their password like that or why he would need it. That definitely makes you go, hmmmmmmmm.....


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This sounds very bad. I would definitely start collecting evidence as to whether he is cheating.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Is there a legitimate reason?

I can't think of one.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

Justtired, hadn't thought of ththat, thanks. But I can't imagine him actually cheating; his ex nearly destroyed him emotionally with that. With me not knowing his passcode, I don't know what he does on the phone other than what I can see in the bill. His email that I do know is fine. I should mention that the password is not for her email, just some other sites I checked.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

doesn't sound good or legitimate to me.

But...! Maybe *she* is using *him* as a go-between.

Maybe they are just friendly via work and she asked him to be a go-between for some reason.

Asking is best. Nerve-wracking though.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Bob Davis said:


> doesn't sound good or legitimate to me.
> 
> But...! Maybe *she* is using *him* as a go-between.
> 
> ...


No, asking is NOT best! All that will do is alert him that the OP is onto him, so if he is having an affair, he can take it underground.

She needs to collect some information while pretending to be ignorant.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A little like a baby diaper. Whatever it's hiding will be something you won't like.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

I dont know what else to do besides follow him after work. I think it will only confirm what I already know anyway.He goes drinking with a bunch of people. I guess if he was giving her a ride or something that would be telling. I guess I am wondering if he's logging into some site to see private pictures of her or something, or she's trying to entice him and nothing has happened. I've confronted him before about the drinking after work and lying about it. I get nowhere.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My guess he will say he was just helping her with some computer issues and needed her passwords. Now if you believe that story from a guy who lies to you about leaving work and going drinking I got this really nice bridge for sale...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you used the password and gotten into her accounts?

They could be using an email account as a way to communicate privately. Genearal Petraeus and his affair partner did this.

They set up an email account on some place like gmail. Then they would go into the account, wite out an email and save in the draft's folder. Then the other one would sign on to read it, reply with a draft. That way emails were never sent. So it was almost impossible to track.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hope2004 said:


> I dont know what else to do besides follow him after work. I think it will only confirm what I already know anyway.He goes drinking with a bunch of people. I guess if he was giving her a ride or something that would be telling. I guess I am wondering if he's logging into some site to see private pictures of her or something, or she's trying to entice him and nothing has happened. I've confronted him before about the drinking after work and lying about it. I get nowhere.


How do you know that he's going drinking with a bunch of people and not just her?

The problem with you following him is can you contain yourself if you found the two of them alone together somewhere? If you confront without enough evidence they can concoct all kinds of excuses.

Do not confront him until you have rock solid evidence and a plan. And even then do not show him all of your evidence.

This might get you more info... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

hope2004 said:


> With me not knowing his passcode, I don't know what he does on the phone other than what I can see in the bill. His email that I do know is fine. I should mention that the password is not for her email, just some other sites I checked.


 So you do not know his passcode, but he knows this other woman's password? However he is using this password, they are more than just friends, where she is more open with him than he is to you.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> *Have you used the password and gotten into her accounts?*
> 
> They could be using an email account as a way to communicate privately. Genearal Petraeus and his affair partner did this.
> 
> They set up an email account on some place like gmail. Then they would go into the account, wite out an email and save in the draft's folder. Then the other one would sign on to read it, reply with a draft. That way emails were never sent. So it was almost impossible to track.


You have some information there. Have you tried to log into her accounts? She is person who put out her info, I wouldn't blink an eye at taking a look. This might be your marriage at stake.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

OMG I am so glad I posted here. You all bring up good things to consider. He will list the guys he is with and I see in the bill the flurry of texts between his buds when I assume they're deciding where to go. I don't think he hangs out alone with her at any bar. I suspect more a flirting or sexting thing than a physical affair. Possibly rides home from work. I just don't think he'd do the worst but I'm not sure aabout the rest. I know enough that the email was not set up just for private communication and that the code is a password for some things but not email. She has publicly posted pics of herself with some of the coworkers out at the typical spots he goes but I haven't seen my DH in any.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just because you see text back and forth with his buds doesn't mean he isn't texting her. It's very simple to enter her as Bob or Paul or whoever under contact info.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Cooper said:


> *My guess he will say he was just helping her with some computer issues and needed her passwords.* Now if you believe that story from a guy who lies to you about leaving work and going drinking I got this really nice bridge for sale...


I've done exactly that with nothing going on. Female from work needs X fixed in X online program and provides me with login and passwords. I jot down on post-it note and leave sitting on my desk. 

Few things though:
1 that was within the scope of my job duties
2 even if the account was a social media platform, it was a work account, never a personal account
3 I work from home and have rarely even met these female coworkers

If 1 & 2 especially are not the case, there certainly could be cause for concern.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

True, Cooper, but luckily I do know most of the phone numbers and who they belong to. That's why I worry about secretive communication--just not surprised by anything I do see, except this stupid slip of paper in a chick's handwriting. Sigh.

As far as assisting with a tech issue, DEFINITELY not the case. Not that type of work, nor is he especially tech savvy, though his young employees all would be.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

The standard evidence post is informative but most of it sounds scary and even illegal to me, honestly. Besides, much requires phone access. I want to trust him and not be so paranoid. I can't seem to help it though, given the frequent minor lies. And I can't ever get him to tell me what he's thinking. I will do the "shut up, eyes open " thing, but what if nothing else happens? I get sick thinking about it all.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Guys ere trade out Netflix, Hulu, etc...passwords...

Could it be something like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm a little confused about one thing: do you know what kinds of sites the password is for? I know you said it's not email.


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## hope2004 (Jun 12, 2015)

A couple popular apps and facebook. It might be something like Hulu but not netflix. Any other things like Hulu I should consider? 

Edited to say--okay folks, turns out this is probably it. Thank you so so much for helping me. We have our issues, yes, but thanks to you I don't think this is one of them and I can let it go without confrontation.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

hope2004 said:


> A couple popular apps and facebook. It might be something like Hulu but not netflix. Any other things like Hulu I should consider?
> 
> Edited to say--okay folks, turns out this is probably it. Thank you so so much for helping me. We have our issues, yes, but thanks to you I don't think this is one of them and I can let it go without confrontation.


Why would he need her FB password?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Have you used the password and gotten into her accounts?


Dont encourage that and if you do dont talk about it in an open forum down low Ele felony alert her hubby could use it for blackmail it may be a honey pot trap


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

dash74 said:


> Dont encourage that and if you do dont talk about it in an open forum down low Ele felony alert her hubby could use it for blackmail it may be a honey pot trap


Seriously?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> Seriously?


Yes I had to turn over ad login logoff and proxy sever logs and appear at a deposition due to an employee that accessed the spoues employer web mail account useing his stolen rsa token they loged our ip address, very nasty devorce


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

dash74 said:


> Yes I had to turn over ad login logoff and proxy sever logs and appear at a deposition due to an employee that accessed the spoues employer web mail account useing his stolen rsa token they loged our ip address, very nasty devorce


Accessing an employers webmail account it quite a bit different from what you are talking about went down.

For example a quick look at someone gmail account is very unlikely to amount to anything.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Attorneys don't want their clients reading their spouses email unless it can be proven that they had regular access to it. 

There was a case (Minnesota I think) that got attorneys scared. 

This is why I asked earlier if he knew she had access to his email. 

It's not black and white but something attorneys are scared of. I had similar access to my XW's email and we couldn't use it for similar reasons. 

OP should be careful with this. Not saying to op just be careful. 

Most cheating spouses will drop any charges because it will bring infidelity to light.


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