# Acceptance and the Big D



## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I figured it was time to stop posting in the CWI forum as I am assuredly headed for the big D. The OW left her husband as well so I think we are on the fast track to D at this point. She and my stbxh just want to be "happy".

I think I have finally entered acceptance mode. Although I do toggle back and forth. I'm still pretty angry and despise this woman more than any other human being on the planet. Is it wrong that I want to drive up to her town and literally bash her right in the nose? I'm holding myself back some days. I keep telling myself I am better than that.

As rec'd here on TAM I have finally committed to the 180. No contact accept talk of our daughter. He did send me a message this week on my birthday "Happy Birthday." - not sure why he even bothered. 

The disconnect from the 180 is really giving me some clarity. It's impossible to think clearly when you are so connected emotionally to a situation. I'm actually beginning to wonder if he is a little conflicted about his choice. In the past before going NC he told me that he still loved me but he had to move on. Still not sure how to take that.

The thing I am struggling with the most is finding my identity. For 14 years I was a wife and mother. I gave up everything to play that role and sadly I don't even know what I like. Has anyone else felt this way - had this problem? What path did you take to reclaim yourself? Just looking for some wisdom as I push through.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

unsure i feel the same way before stbxh left my identify was mom, wife, and work. right now i am also trying just to find myself and what i want and like in life. i started small with a yoga class once a week, it was something i always wanted to try but never did cause i always put others first. guess what i loved it. i also have been trying to take care of myself more, new haircut, makeup, some.clothes. i have been trying to be open to trying new experiances- went for sushi for the first time ever, cant say i loved it but just felt good that i tried something new. is there something you used to like to do before that you gave up after being with stbxh? i would start with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Yes....you are definitely better than that! God will handle her.


I think we all have a tendency to loose ourselves in long marriages. Continue to focus on yourself. Rushing too quickly into dating too will only bring you grief in the end. You need to be a bit selfish for awhile and focus on yourself. 

You will not only be ok....but eventually better.

I know you are hurting. I will pray you get through this week so your heart will begin to heal. xoxo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onehotmama (Apr 13, 2012)

^ well said...
I'm going through sort of the same issue, I've loved my domestic role as a wife and mother and it's not been easy to accept that now I'll be raising my child alone with no ring on my finger. But it's true, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Do whatever makes you feel happy and karma will get the OW. When you love and respect and take care of yourself, only good things can come of it and the right person will fall into your lap when the time is right. At least this is what i tell myself every day...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I know how you feel. I don't have a clue who I am anymore. I'm not sure I even know what I like to do. My world has fallen apart. If I didn't have my son I'm not sure I'd survive this. I have worked part time at my sons school for three years but prior to that I was a SAHM for 9 yrs. I have to come up with career in addition to a new life as a single parent. 

I'm a little scared of it all but more than anything I'm just sad and feel completely alone. I haven't accepted anything yet and can't seem to detach. STBX is moving on with OW and I am heart broken. I still want him back.


How did you get to acceptance?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

unsure78 said:


> unsure i feel the same way before stbxh left my identify was mom, wife, and work. right now i am also trying just to find myself and what i want and like in life. i started small with a yoga class once a week, it was something i always wanted to try but never did cause i always put others first. guess what i loved it. i also have been trying to take care of myself more, new haircut, makeup, some.clothes. i have been trying to be open to trying new experiances- went for sushi for the first time ever, cant say i loved it but just felt good that i tried something new. is there something you used to like to do before that you gave up after being with stbxh? i would start with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I too lost myself in the marriage. Had a blase attitude towards everything. Hobbies, marriage, friends. Just going through the motions.

Now, when advised to find hobbies/interests, I just don't know. My IC asked me the other day if there was anything I wanted to do, learn, experience. I brokedown because the answer was no. 

I assume I should pick a past hobby or interest that I used to like and just DO something...emotions will follow.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

jayb just start with something small, maybe something to do once a week? and if you dont like the activity then dont do it but just get out and give something a go- what kind of things did you used to like?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

Can't Move - I'm not sure how long you have been separated. I have been separated for almost 4 months. But I started the "letting go" process in October because I had a hunch or instinct that something was going on. So it took some time and baby steps. For me the last straw was confirmation of his relationship with the OW - which came in February. At that point I had a pretty major break down - couldn't believe it! I decided at that point that I would not settle for being second choice and I needed to accept my own decision and move on. I have decided to make moving on my choice and not his. I am taking my power back. If he wants a woman that will cheat well guess what - F*** Him. I also stopped the comparisons of myself to her - I block them the best that I can and remind myself that I am pretty awesome and someone will love me the way that I deserve to be loved.

So now I am just on to finding myself again. 

JayB I was the same way. I had no passion left the last few years of my marriage. It's one of the reasons he chose to stray - he flatly told me that I had no passion. I have come to realize that he sucked it straight out of me and I allowed him to do that. My fault. I do know one thing. I have NO desire to run around in the middle of the night with him chasing ghosts. -- I think as you become stronger you will slowly start to see hints of yourself and what you like will naturally evolve. It takes time. For all of us its hard because they are happy and we are suffering. But hopefully our suffering means growth!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> I figured it was time to stop posting in the CWI forum as I am assuredly headed for the big D. The OW left her husband as well so I think we are on the fast track to D at this point. She and my stbxh just want to be "happy".
> 
> I think I have finally entered acceptance mode. Although I do toggle back and forth. I'm still pretty angry and despise this woman more than any other human being on the planet. Is it wrong that I want to drive up to her town and literally bash her right in the nose? I'm holding myself back some days. I keep telling myself I am better than that.
> 
> ...


Wow.. I am in your shoes too. I gave up my identity to be a wife and mother. I had a successful career and gave it up to be a stay at home mom. I don't regret the time I had with my child, but I regret giving up my career and salary.

I get the same BS from my STBXH: 
I still love you
I still care about you
you're still my family
I still want to take care of you.

Then:
I want a divorce... I am going to move on.

I don't get it.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

Unsure2621 said:


> I figured it was time to stop posting in the CWI forum as I am assuredly headed for the big D. The OW left her husband as well so I think we are on the fast track to D at this point. She and my stbxh just want to be "happy".
> 
> I think I have finally entered acceptance mode. Although I do toggle back and forth. I'm still pretty angry and despise this woman more than any other human being on the planet. Is it wrong that I want to drive up to her town and literally bash her right in the nose? I'm holding myself back some days. I keep telling myself I am better than that.
> 
> ...


I was in the same position. For 12 years with the same man. My identity was wife and mother. I think the hardest part for me the fact that he had someone to fall back on, someone waiting in the wings, and all I had were all my emotions tied up in him. It was so unfair. So I started dating again. I needed to find the 'single' me. Even if I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, I needed to put myself out there just to kind of get my sea legs back. The first date I had was totally nerve-wracking. I mean, it went well - but the whole time I kept looking over my shoulder...like I was going to get 'caught'! After that I chickened out and didn't date again for a bit. Then one day it just kind of hit me that deep down I didn't want STBXH, I was just jealous that he had someone to love and someone to love him. So I started dating again and fell in love with a wonderful man. When I told STBXH about the new man in my life, I said 'I finally get it. I realize what our marriage WASN'T. I realize I wasn't mourning a fabulous relationship, I was mourning what I always wanted and didn't have.' He was actually happy for me...lol.


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