# I think he's a narcissist? Or I'm crazy.



## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I don't even know where to start with this. At times, things are pretty great - but then a few times out of the month, he flips his script and just completely turns everything in to chaos. Yesterday I forgot to get his oil on my way home for him to do his oil change. I offered. When I realized that I forgot it, I told him that I would go and get it and he instantly started lecturing me about how important the oil was and that he couldn't believe that I forgot it and so forth. Finally, after a few minutes of him lecturing me, I responded with 'I'm sorry that I failed you, I'm going to get it now' and he just completely lost it on me, told me that he's tired of me acting like a child and that it shouldn't be this hard. I think he's crazy. He tells me that he feels that our sex life is a chore because it's not fun and sporadic. He sits and drinks beer and smokes weed all day and makes me wait until almost midnight for him to even let me touch him because I always have to start it because 'sex isn't even on his radar' anymore because he's old (he's 35). So he watches porn in the morning when he wakes up. He goes straight for the bathroom and watches porn because he wakes up ready to go. He says we don't have enough time to have sex in the morning. I'm at my wits end. I'm busting my butt for a man that is impossible to please anymore. He says he hasn't been happy for the past 3 months and he kicked me out yesterday but after I packed my stuff, he freaked out on me and punched the wall because I called him out on his crap - we said we would work on making things better but I just feel like garbage today. Am I avoiding the inevitable?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Wtf? What do you love about a lazy, selfish stoner/ Alchie that doesn’t want to have sex with you? He’s a loser


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

What does it matter what he is? If I were you, I'd be more worried about why I was accepting that crap. 

So you like living this way?


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

Doesn't sound like a narcissist, and I'm now understanding the complaint about the term being overused.

He just sounds lazy, immature, and disinterested. Not fit for a relationship unless you are willing to take on the care of a dependent (adult child).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve been avoiding the inevitable for awhile now. He hasn’t changed and he’s not likely to.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

wow wow wow... I don't know what to say... pack you bag when he is out and run!


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I think he is a narcissist because any time that there is a complaint on my end, he figures out how to turn it around to be back on me.I'm with him because I absolutely love this man and it isn't always like this. Things blew up because when I said that I was struggling with things, he started talking about how I haven't kept the house clean (I got in to a car accident back in July and have to go to therapy so I've been struggling with keeping up on things) so I told him to go fix the toilet that I've been waiting for him to fix. He tells me that all of this is me, that I am the problem. But I just can't see where I am the problem to fix anything.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

What exactly do you think sticking a label on him is going to achieve?

Do you think he's suddenly going to change into the perfect man and treat you better?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

He’s not a narcissist, he’s just a loser asshole.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> What exactly do you think sticking a label on him is going to achieve?
> 
> Do you think he's suddenly going to change into the perfect man and treat you better?


Not at all.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> What exactly do you think sticking a label on him is going to achieve?
> 
> Do you think he's suddenly going to change into the perfect man and treat you better?


Unfortunately because everyone has to be labeled nowadays. They are usually labeled incorrectly and, no, it doesn’t resolve the situation. If I had a nickel for every meme that contained the word toxic, gaslighting, narcissist, abusive, etc., I’d buy TAM and turn it private. Lol


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I don't see one single reason why you should stay in this marriage. And I'm someone that sees divorce as a last ditch resort.

You said he's old at 35. While that made me laugh....you must be a lot younger. So you have your entire life ahead of you. Get out while you are still young and child free (I assume). There are plenty of good men...that don't drink, smoke weed, have anger issues, dictate sex to you, etc...out there.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Would it help your decision process if he were a narcissist? You can call it what ever you want, he is who he is. That is all you need to know, then you need to decide if you can live with who he is?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Unfortunately because everyone has to be labeled nowadays. They are usually labeled incorrectly and, no, it doesn’t resolve the situation. If I had a nickel for every meme that contained the word toxic, gaslighting, narcissist, abusive, etc., I’d buy TAM and turn it private. Lol


He uses ALL of those words, constantly, in our relationship. And frankly, it's quite annoying.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Not at all.


OK. So what's the plan?



BigDaddyNY said:


> Would it help you decision process if he were a narcissist? You can call it what ever you want, he is who he is. That is all you need to know, then you need to decide if you can live with who he is?


Is this your thought process?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> I don't see one single reason why you should stay in this marriage. And I'm someone that sees divorce as a last ditch resort.
> 
> You said he's old at 35. While that made me laugh....you must be a lot younger. So you have your entire life ahead of you. Get out while you are still young and child free (I assume). There are plenty of good men...that don't drink, smoke weed, have anger issues, dictate sex to you, etc...out there.


I'm 37. Being old is his excuse. This is what he tells me. He's old and doesn't have the drive for sex. Which doesn't make sense because he can watch porn every day.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> OK. So what's the plan?
> 
> 
> Is this your thought process?


I don't know. My heart is absolutely broken from yesterday. My original plan was to go home and put everything away that I packed yesterday because after we talked about it - he did ask me to stay. I did tell him that if he tells me to get out one more time, then that's it. He tells me that I deserve better than what he gives me. I just don't want another failed marriage until I have exhausted all options of trying to do what I can to make it work. I'm tired. I try to be a good wife.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Is this your second marriage? He’s right. He’s a rotten spouse. A failed marriage is better than living with a deadbeat sexless spouse.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm 37. Being old is his excuse. This is what he tells me. He's old and doesn't have the drive for sex. Which doesn't make sense because he can watch porn every day.


Obviously 37 isn't old and a valid reason alone for a low sex drive. I'm 55 and have a great sex drive. He's getting his sexual desires fulfilled through porn and doesn't need or want you. 

Again, what benefit do you get from staying with him? He appears to have nothing to offer, but a lot of negatives. Are you afraid if you leave, he will harm you? Are you afraid of being alone and starting over? Because most of the people on this site have been there, done that...and are doing great.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Not wanting another failed marriage is not a good reason to stay. It's a good reason to take a break and work on your picker before you marry again, though.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I don't know. My heart is absolutely broken from yesterday. My original plan was to go home and put everything away that I packed yesterday because after we talked about it - he did ask me to stay. I did tell him that if he tells me to get out one more time, then that's it. He tells me that I deserve better than what he gives me. I just don't want another failed marriage until I have exhausted all options of trying to do what I can to make it work. I'm tired. I try to be a good wife.


Yes, two failed marriages would take some explaining if you’d be interested in going for a third and giving the wheel of chance another spin. Also, telling him the “one more time and I’m out” line probably has little to no effect anymore. My guess is there’s been a lot of “one more times” given out.
You should get out while you still have some of your youth and sanity. Wait more than 7 months to find your next husband. Single life has a lot to offer. You’ve been married almost all of your adult life.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Just read you’re married to a guy who did bath salts and meth. Why? You can do better.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Obviously 37 isn't old and a valid reason alone for a low sex drive. I'm 55 and have a great sex drive. He's getting his sexual desires fulfilled through porn and doesn't need or want you.
> 
> Again, what benefit do you get from staying with him? He appears to have nothing to offer, but a lot of negatives. Are you afraid if you leave, he will harm you? Are you afraid of being alone and starting over? Because most of the people on this site have been there, done that...and are doing great.


I'm not afraid of either - I left the last one. We were together for 10 years, married for 8 and I left because he wanted drugs over family. We did discuss this, on Saturday and yesterday as well - that I feel that I am fighting against the porn. He lets the emotions of anything negative that happens through out the day get in to his head and then that screws everything up. He says that he goes to porn because it's quit and easy and does not involve emotions.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm not afraid of either - I left the last one. We were together for 10 years, married for 8 and I left because he wanted drugs over family. We did discuss this, on Saturday and yesterday as well - that I feel that I am fighting against the porn. He lets the emotions of anything negative that happens through out the day get in to his head and then that screws everything up. He says that he goes to porn because it's quit and easy and does not involve emotions.


You're issues with him are much, much greater than the porn.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> You're issues with him are much, much greater than the porn.


This is why I'm just going to leave him alone and sort through my feelings I think. I'm not giving up on this man just yet.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yes, two failed marriages would take some explaining if you’d be interested in going for a third and giving the wheel of chance another spin. Also, telling him the “one more time and I’m out” line probably has little to no effect anymore. My guess is there’s been a lot of “one more times” given out.
> You should get out while you still have some of your youth and sanity. Wait more than 7 months to find your next husband. Single life has a lot to offer. You’ve been married almost all of your adult life.


Why are you telling me to wait more than 7 months to find my next husband? Is there some secret that I am missing out on? I was single and divorced from my last one for 5 years. I have never pulled the one more time and I'm out line. Not on this one.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Why are you telling me to wait more than 7 months to find my next husband? Is there some secret that I am missing out on? I was single and divorced from my last one for 5 years. I have never pulled the one more time and I'm out line. Not on this one.


I thought I read where you married this one after knowing him 7 months? Maybe I misread.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I thought I read where you married this one after knowing him 7 months? Maybe I misread.


Nevermind - you are correct. We were together for 7 months. I had known him prior to use dating. His sister and my brothers ex wife are best friends. But you know the saying - what goes on behind closed doors - .....


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I'm here because I would like some advice on how to handle situations better, other than 'get out while you can' because this doesn't entirely happen often and 90% of the time, we are great together and I would like to save that if I can.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Just read you’re married to a guy who did bath salts and meth. Why? You can do better.


Because we all deserve a second chance at life. Maybe sometimes even a third. He hasn't touched anything in almost 5 years as far as any of that goes. If that becomes an issue, he knows that I will leave.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm here because I would like some advice on how to handle situations better, other than 'get out while you can' because this doesn't entirely happen often and 90% of the time, we are great together and I would like to save that if I can.


Well sometimes the truth can hurt and not be what you want to hear. This guy has a lot of issues. If you want to stay in the marriage, have him stop smoking weed and jerking off to porn. Maybe once he stops the weed, he won't be so lazy. And once he stops the porn, your sex life and marriage will improve. You're in the driver's seat. You know the issues and you need to tell him what you expect. If he doesn't want to make changes or backslides, then you have to determine if you want to keep wasting time in the marriage.

People on this site are speaking from experience. Sure some are more negative then others, so listen to what the group is saying instead of one person. But in your case, the group is almost in agreement.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Well sometimes the truth can hurt and not be what you want to hear. This guy has a lot of issues. If you want to stay in the marriage, have him stop smoking weed and jerking off to porn. Maybe once he stops the weed, he won't be so lazy. And once he stops the porn, your sex life and marriage will improve. You're in the driver's seat. You know the issues and you need to tell him what you expect. If he doesn't want to make changes or backslides, then you have to determine if you want to keep wasting time in the marriage.
> 
> People on this site are speaking from experience. Sure some are more negative then others, so listen to what the group is saying instead of one person. But in your case, the group is almost in agreement.


Thank you. You are absolutely right.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I don't know. My heart is absolutely broken from yesterday. My original plan was to go home and put everything away that I packed yesterday because after we talked about it - he did ask me to stay. I did tell him that if he tells me to get out one more time, then that's it. He tells me that I deserve better than what he gives me. I just don't want another failed marriage until I have exhausted all options of trying to do what I can to make it work. I'm tired. I try to be a good wife.


I get that. I put up with a lot of crap I should have for the exact reason. Unfortunately, he knew that and milked it. It only got worse over time and I finally steeled myself to leave when I caught him in an affair. I always thought it was never "bad enough " to divorce over, but I suppose I taught him how to treat me. 

The "stigma " of being twice divorced will only matter to people who don't care about you to want better for you and judgmental pricks..


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> The "stigma " of being twice divorced will only matter to people who don't care about you to want better for you and judgmental pricks..


My gf said it was a huge red flag for her and still is. I can understand why she’d say that. I’d question it also, to be honest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I read stuff like this and all I can do is shake my head.

I think I am a decent person. I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke etc. I’ve never committed an actual crime. I treat everyone with common curtesy and respect. I’ve never called anyone I was involved with a name and could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve raised my voice. I’m affectionate and and give sincere effort to being a good lover and good in bed. I’d rate go out on a date night or cuddle up on the couch to a good movie than run around with single, partying buddies. And I’ve been gainfully employed since 18 and while not rich, I’ve been financially solvent and responsible. I have bounced exactly one check in my life and that is because someone else’s check to bounced immediately prior. I’m average looking and average height and stature. I think I’d be a pretty decent catch.

but yet I’ve been dumped because I drive a pick up truck instead of a cool car.

I’ve been dumped because I DIDN’T drink and party and do drugs.

And I been rejected many times because I’m not over 6 feet and not exceptionally good looking, am bald and wear glasses, I dress for my own comfort and not what some fashion magazine or celebrity says, and I am not some kind of executive or rich guy.

but where I am going with this is not about my tales of woe, but rather the juxtaposition that women can dump or reject someone so fast and so cold without a second thought when it comes to things like what vehicle one drives and how tall they are and how much hair they have -

yet when someone is an actual alcoholic and druggie and is abusive and just a shi++y person in general, Women seem to be so torn and conflicted and don’t know what to do.

Maybe if you pretend he doesn’t match his shirts with his shoes well, that will give you more clarity.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> My gf said it was a huge red flag for her and still is. I can understand why she’d say that. I’d question it also, to be honest.


I'm not even worried about how others will feel if I say that I have 2 failed marriages because in my eyes and in my heart, I know that I have exhausted all options that I can to make it work.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@BecauseSheWeeps 

I'm 60yo and my Beloved Hubby is too--we still have a fun and active sex life. 35yo is NOT "too old for a sex drive"!! And even though I'm a dedicated, committed wife and only wanted one husband, I've been married three times: exH cheated on me and chose to divorce rather than quit cheating--Dear Hubby passed away in 2017--and now my Beloved Hubby is my 3rd marriage! I would have NEVER thought that would be how my life would turn out, but when you've been around a long time, it happens. My Beloved Hubby has also been married FOUR times: 1st wife was just too young and when he went off to service, she spent all their money--2nd wife was in the service too but got stationed elsewhere and well...she took up with a fella who was nearby instead of being faithful--3rd wife he stayed married to for almost 30 years and she decided she wanted a divorce; he didn't want it but what can you do? Here we are. Having a couple marriages isn't a stigma unless you make it that way. The trick is to learn from each marriage and do better. Love yourself more than to accept poor treatment. Learn about what commitment means. Learn about healthy marriage and your own personality and your own love language and emotional needs. Choose someone who is a good fit for you. 

Your husband is an alcoholic, drug-taking, porn addicted, physically and emotionally abusive, codependent person with mental health issues. Does that help you choose to love yourself more than to continue to put up with this treatment? I hope adding that label motivates you to get out of this toxic, unhealthy environment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> but where I am going with this is not about my tales of woe, but rather the juxtaposition that women can dump or reject someone so fast and so cold without a second thought when it comes to things like what vehicle one drives and how tall they are and how much hair they have -
> 
> yet when someone is an actual alcoholic and druggie and is abusive and just a shi++y person in general, Women seem to be so torn and conflicted and don’t know what to do.


I don’t want to sound sexist because men do this too.

a hot blond with slender waistline, firm butt and big boobs that gives good BJs can get away with just about anything.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I read stuff like this and all I can do is shake my head.
> 
> I think I am a decent person. I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke etc. I’ve never committed an actual crime. I treat everyone with common curtesy and respect. I’ve never called anyone I was involved with a name and could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve raised my voice. I’m affectionate and and give sincere effort to being a good lover and good in bed. I’d rate go out on a date night or cuddle up on the couch to a good movie than run around with single, partying buddies. And I’ve been gainfully employed since 18 and while not rich, I’ve been financially solvent and responsible. I have bounced exactly one check in my life and that is because someone else’s check to bounced immediately prior. I’m average looking and average height and stature. I think I’d be a pretty decent catch.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you feel that way. I've been put in the same place. I'm overweight. I'm cute as can be, but I'm no supermodel. I've had guys not give me a chance because I'm overweight. I bring too much to the table. All kinds of excuses. I was single for 5 years because I chose to not date the guys that would party and do drugs and what not. When him and I first started dating, he didn't go out to the bars with his friends and he never spoke to me like this. What does his shoes matching his shirt have to do with anything?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He told you yanking to a surgically enhanced image is better than real sex with you. He smokes dope and drinks. Would you praise your friend if she chose this guy?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t want to sound sexist because men do this too.
> 
> a hot blond with slender waistline, firm butt and big boobs that gives good BJs can get away with just about anything.


Thank you. All I ever hear about is how the mother of his child was so horrible to him and he put up with so much from her. The difference between her and I - she's tall, thin, she's not that easy on the eyes but she's pretty damn attractive when you aren't looking at her face. And yes, it pisses me off because he talks about her non stop and they haven't been together for probably 10 years.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

If he is a narcissist or any kind of crazy, you're too. Birds of a feather stick together...


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He told you yanking to a surgically enhanced image is better than real sex with you. He smokes dope and drinks. Would you praise your friend if she chose this guy?


Absolutely no I would not. He never said that it is better. He always tells me that the sex that we do have, he really enjoys but then he lets emotional crap from life get in the way of that.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @BecauseSheWeeps
> 
> I'm 60yo and my Beloved Hubby is too--we still have a fun and active sex life. 35yo is NOT "too old for a sex drive"!! And even though I'm a dedicated, committed wife and only wanted one husband, I've been married three times: exH cheated on me and chose to divorce rather than quit cheating--Dear Hubby passed away in 2017--and now my Beloved Hubby is my 3rd marriage! I would have NEVER thought that would be how my life would turn out, but when you've been around a long time, it happens. My Beloved Hubby has also been married FOUR times: 1st wife was just too young and when he went off to service, she spent all their money--2nd wife was in the service too but got stationed elsewhere and well...she took up with a fella who was nearby instead of being faithful--3rd wife he stayed married to for almost 30 years and she decided she wanted a divorce; he didn't want it but what can you do? Here we are. Having a couple marriages isn't a stigma unless you make it that way. The trick is to learn from each marriage and do better. Love yourself more than to accept poor treatment. Learn about what commitment means. Learn about healthy marriage and your own personality and your own love language and emotional needs. Choose someone who is a good fit for you.
> 
> Your husband is an alcoholic, drug-taking, porn addicted, physically and emotionally abusive, codependent person with mental health issues. Does that help you choose to love yourself more than to continue to put up with this treatment? I hope adding that label motivates you to get out of this toxic, unhealthy environment.


Thank you for this. I will get this figured out. I'm contemplating on leaving today. Something has to give.


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## FS8 (Jun 17, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I read stuff like this and all I can do is shake my head.
> 
> I think I am a decent person. I don’t drink or do drugs or smoke etc. I’ve never committed an actual crime. I treat everyone with common curtesy and respect. I’ve never called anyone I was involved with a name and could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve raised my voice. I’m affectionate and and give sincere effort to being a good lover and good in bed. I’d rate go out on a date night or cuddle up on the couch to a good movie than run around with single, partying buddies. And I’ve been gainfully employed since 18 and while not rich, I’ve been financially solvent and responsible. I have bounced exactly one check in my life and that is because someone else’s check to bounced immediately prior. I’m average looking and average height and stature. I think I’d be a pretty decent catch.
> 
> ...


While not germane to the thread, I agree with your sentiment almost entirely. I am by almost all measures a "great catch" (yes, I know how that sounds). I don't need to list my resume, but on paper (and in pictures) I offer most everything a woman would want. I'm not abusive, physically or verbally. I have never cheated. I am not addicted to anything, physical or virtual. I am honest and I do my best to tend to my partner's needs, regardless of what they are (we all have different love languages). I have been left twice, with both women struggling to point out anything I did wrong or needed to improve and instead saying "it's not you, it's me" or "you deserve better than me."

Yet I come here and see dozens of posts on women struggling to leave their husbands who are abusive, indifferent, cheating, lazy, disrespectful, poor, or some combination of any of those (or other horrible qualities I haven't listed). What I often say is that I know life isn't fair, but it should be more fair than this. I often wonder how my relationships would be different if I were a legitimately poor spouse.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

FS8 said:


> While not germane to the thread, I agree with your sentiment almost entirely. I am by almost all measures a "great catch" (yes, I know how that sounds). I don't need to list my resume, but on paper (and in pictures) I offer most everything a woman would want. I'm not abusive, physically or verbally. I have never cheated. I am not addicted to anything, physical or virtual. I am honest and I do my best to tend to my partner's needs, regardless of what they are (we all have different love languages). I have been left twice, with both women struggling to point out anything I did wrong or needed to improve and instead saying "it's not you, it's me" or "you deserve better than me."
> 
> Yet I come here and see dozens of posts on women struggling to leave their husbands who are abusive, indifferent, cheating, lazy, disrespectful, poor, or some combination of any of those (or other horrible qualities I haven't listed). What I often say is that I know life isn't fair, but it should be more fair than this. I often wonder how my relationships would be different if I were a legitimately poor spouse.


But see, I can see the same because I spent 3 years (it took probably a little more than 2, to get over my husband) to even really start dating and just about every man that I would come across that was fairly decent, just had no interest in me at all whatsoever because at that time, I was support my best friend and her children. They would tell me that I 'had to much baggage'. One guy quit seeing me because I let my dog sleep in my bed. I was once told that I was intimidating because I have my crap together. Rarely any of them ever said that it was because of my weight. The guy that I dated before this one, spent all of his time at the bar and I broke things off with him because his ex wife started coming back around and I didn't feel that it was appropriate.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> But see, I can see the same because I spent 3 years (it took probably a little more than 2, to get over my husband) to even really start dating and just about every man that I would come across that was fairly decent, just had no interest in me at all whatsoever because at that time, I was support my best friend and her children. They would tell me that I 'had to much baggage'. One guy quit seeing me because I let my dog sleep in my bed. I was once told that I was intimidating because I have my crap together. Rarely any of them ever said that it was because of my weight. The guy that I dated before this one, spent all of his time at the bar and I broke things off with him because his ex wife started coming back around and I didn't feel that it was appropriate.


I wonder if they were making excuses not to bring up the weight? However, weight can be fixed. Hopefully, you’ll be dropping additional dead weight soon when you leave your addicted husband. 
I had to laugh at sleeping with the dog. That was a hard no for me, sleeping with animals or kids.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm sorry that you feel that way. I've been put in the same place. I'm overweight. I'm cute as can be, but I'm no supermodel. I've had guys not give me a chance because I'm overweight. I bring too much to the table. All kinds of excuses. I was single for 5 years because I chose to not date the guys that would party and do drugs and what not. When him and I first started dating, he didn't go out to the bars with his friends and he never spoke to me like this. What does his shoes matching his shirt have to do with anything?


i think you kind of missed my point, but I admit my point is a bit obtuse.

i don’t really have any direct advise here but rather pointing out that people often give credit to the superficial but give bad character a free pass.

i am willing to bet that you have at various times rejected and dumped men without a
for being too short or not having enough hair or not being good looking enough or not dressing to your liking etc and never looked back.

yet here you tortured on what to do with a nasty, abusive, alcoholic, druggie that spends his days wanking to porn and being nasty to you. 

Do you see the irony?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> My gf said it was a huge red flag for her and still is. I can understand why she’d say that. I’d question it also, to be honest.


People can question what they want, but to make assumptions with no details or common sense is a bigger red flag.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> People can question what they want, but to make assumptions with no details or common sense is a bigger red flag.


Her rationale was one divorce might be explained as a mistake. Two or more could be a pattern of me being difficult to live with. In my case, she’s correct. Yours and OP’s could be different. I know if I was dating a woman married multiple times, I’d be asking a lot of questions. I think it’s an “auto” red flag that requires additional investigation.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> I wonder if they were making excuses not to bring up the weight? However, weight can be fixed. Hopefully, you’ll be dropping additional dead weight soon when you leave your addicted husband.
> I had to laugh at sleeping with the dog. That was a hard no for me, sleeping with animals or kids.


I've already lost 100lbs but then put 40 of it back on. Life us exhausting. The husband can't say anything about my weight


oldshirt said:


> i think you kind of missed my point, but I admit my point is a bit obtuse.
> 
> i don’t really have any direct advise here but rather pointing out that people often give credit to the superficial but give bad character a free pass.
> 
> ...


I'm short, I like short guys that I can look in the eyes without looking up. I also like it when a man is tall enough to carry me. I like bald guys. I like hair. I've dumped plenty of men for having dependency issues yet here I am. . .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Does he need your help financially or is he okay there?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Does he need your help financially or is he okay there?


He's fine there. He has a very good, decent job.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Regardless of the label, he treats you badly.  It’s emotional and verbal abuse at the very least. It may be time to consider your exit strategy, because guys like this rarely change.

You sound like a great wife to him - his inability to appreciate it is the problem. He sounds perhaps damaged as most people who hurt others, are hurting inside, themselves. But you can’t fix what is broken on your own.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Regardless of the label, he treats you badly.  It’s emotional and verbal abuse at the very least. It may be time to consider your exit strategy, because guys like this rarely change.
> 
> You sound like a great wife to him - his inability to appreciate it is the problem. He sounds perhaps damaged as most people who hurt others, are hurting inside, themselves. But you can’t fix what is broken on your own.


You hit the nail on the head because yes, we discussed this last night while both of us were sitting there crying after things calmed down. He said that I hit triggers. So I'm working on trying to 'not hit them' and figure out a different strategy when he is 'hounding me' which is the only way that I can explain it. I do something wrong and then its like he feels that he has to discipline me and I'm really not even doing anything wrong.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Regardless of the label, he treats you badly.  It’s emotional and verbal abuse at the very least. It may be time to consider your exit strategy, because guys like this rarely change.
> 
> You sound like a great wife to him - his inability to appreciate it is the problem. He sounds perhaps damaged as most people who hurt others, are hurting inside, themselves. But you can’t fix what is broken on your own.


And thank you for this. Because I am. I'm going to start buying those banker boxes to get my crap packed and save up money for an apartment and a uhaul which really I already have it, I just don't want to spend it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Red flags all over: you trigger him? Nope, he’s unhinged. He gets upset and then can’t have sex? Manipulative. You are accepting all his blame. So sad. Notice he wasn’t in the wrong for anything? Wake up and leave.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think he is a narcissist because any time that there is a complaint on my end, he figures out how to turn it around to be back on me.I


Why does it matter WHAT he is? Ask yourself that. I've been telling you and telling you some more that you're married to an alcoholic/addict and you need to get your focus off him and onto yourself. Yet you persist in coming back again and again to ask everyone what HIS problems are. He's not here - you are.

As long as you stay and remain in the enabler role, this is what you'll get.

The very definition of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. smh


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm here because I would like some advice on how to handle situations better, other than 'get out while you can' because this doesn't entirely happen often and 90% of the time, we are great together and I would like to save that if I can.


You cannot save it by yourself. He's not willing or ready to change. So every time he goes on a bender, this is what you can expect.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> What does it matter WHAT he is? As yourself that. I've been telling you and telling you some more that you're married to an alcoholic/addict and you need to get your focus off him and onto yourself. Yet you persist in coming back again and again to ask everyone what HIS problems are. He's not here - you are.
> 
> As long as you stay and remain in the enabler role, this is what you'll get.
> 
> The very definition of insanity here: doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. smh


I think I'm more asking if I'm in the wrong because he insists that I am and if I'm doing something wrong, please help me see it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> You hit the nail on the head because yes, we discussed this last night while both of us were sitting there crying after things calmed down. He said that I hit triggers. So I'm working on trying to 'not hit them' and figure out a different strategy when he is 'hounding me' which is the only way that I can explain it. I do something wrong and then its like he feels that he has to discipline me and I'm really not even doing anything wrong.


It’s good that you’re both talking. It sounds like your marriage is a landmine, and you have to be careful where you step or he’ll go off. He has to fix that, not just for you but for his own quality of life. Whatever trauma has caused this engrained behavior in him, he has to be willing to change. He can stop the cycle of living like this and I hope that he chooses that. I feel for you - I had dated a guy that was pretty similar before dating my now husband and I remember sleepless nights, and just the wearing down of my emotions - I remember becoming very flat so as not to trigger him. Everyone deserves better than that and hopefully, your marriage will get better but he has to want to change how he approaches conflict. 💜


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I think I'm more asking if I'm in the wrong because he insists that I am


Okay. I'm going to get really blunt here. You are an enabler. You are codependent. He's telling you that you're wrong. You're buying into his assessment of you. And therein lies your problem. And that's why he keeps you hooked. If you had any self-esteem, you'd quit looking to him for affirmation, approval, or his opinion(s). Sure, we want to be pleasing and please our partners. But there is nothing even remotely healthy about either of you.

And until you are willing to get some serious counseling and go to Al-Anon (which I've told you is something you need), you'll remain stuck. He's an addict. And as long as you listen to the crap he's shoveling at you and lack any inner strength to believe who you are and what you are, this will continue. Lather, rinse, repeat.

ETA: He's addicted to substances. You're addicted to him. Something to consider ....


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

The only thing you’re wrong about his hoping a 35 year old pot head porn addict will change and respect you. He’s not worth it. He’s not a prize.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I promise, I hear you all so very loud and clear


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I promise, I hear you all so very loud and clear


What awakened me and caused me to end that relationship with the guy I mentioned earlier (and stopped dating these types ever again) was I realized that I was seeking validation all along, from my emotionally distant father. And I gravitated to emotionally distant jerks who I hoped beyond anything, would validate me. I blamed myself for my father’s treatment of me, and not him. (My dad and I have since a few years ago, mended fences - he did all the heavy lifting and really apologized for how he raised me. And this helped me heal too.)

So, everyone is different but ask yourself why do you want someone who treats you poorly to validate you? Why do you blame yourself for his behavior? These are uncomfortable questions to answer but it will help you see things clearer as they once did for me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


BecauseSheWeeps said:



I'm here because I would like some advice on how to handle situations better, other than 'get out while you can' because this doesn't entirely happen often and 90% of the time, we are great together and I would like to save that if I can.

Click to expand...

*What exactly are you trying to _"save,"_ OP?

A marriage to a loser who spends his day drinking and smoking weed? Is that what you signed up for? A lazy good for nothing who doesn't contribute to your marriage or the household at ALL and like some idiot 17 year old kid, chooses to waste his life smoking and drinking and jerking off all day to porn? 

THAT'S what you're trying so hard to save? Seriously?

I know you'll ignore this because I'm not telling you what you *want* to hear - which is advice on how to hold onto a worthless loser who is actually dependent on YOU apparently because he sure isn't out working and being productive and bringing home a paycheck. Unless, of course, we the taxpayers are supporting his worthless ass? If that's not the case, then I'll have to assume YOU'RE supporting Mr. Wonderful. Because the booze and weed fairy sure isn't paying your rent/mortgage and putting food on the table.

Exactly when did you choose to swallow every last shred of your dignity?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


BecauseSheWeeps said:



He's fine there. He has a very good, decent job.

Click to expand...

*Well now I'm confused. How does he have a good job but he sits around all day drinking and smoking weed? You've completely contradicted yourself. But that's what you said in your original post - that he drinks and smokes all day and doesn't let you 'touch him' until midnight. That's why I went off on what a loser he is in my post above - because I thought he was a freeloader. 

So I take back the job stuff. But honestly? He's still a loser.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well now I'm confused. How does he have a good job but he sits around all day drinking and smoking weed? You've completely contradicted yourself. But that's what you said in your original post - that he drinks and smokes all day and doesn't let you 'touch him' until midnight. That's why I went off on what a loser he is in my post above - because I thought he was a freeloader.
> 
> So I take back the job stuff. But honestly? He's still a loser.


 Have you ever heard of a functional addict? Nowhere did I say that he does not work.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Have you ever heard of a functional addict?


Nope. Because it's not the truth. I've been in Al-Anon and open A.A. meetings since 1996. I married two alkies. People who are "functional" don't numb themselves up with substances.

And truly "functional" people treat others with civility, dignity, and respect. None of which you receive from this man.

My guess is you were raised in a family where you were bullied, made fun of, or shown some level of disrespect. I was. And I glommed onto men like your husband and then proceeded to buy into their nonsense. 

Until your husband is willing to admit and identify his issues, this is exactly what you will get. And until you are willing to admit and identify YOUR issues, this is exactly where you will remain. Your life. Your choice.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Nope. Because it's not the truth. I've been in Al-Anon and open A.A. meetings since 1996. I married two alkies. People who are "functional" don't numb themselves up with substances.
> 
> And truly "functional" people treat others with civility, dignity, and respect. None of which you receive from this man.
> 
> ...


My father was an alcoholic and a drug addiction. He died when I was 22 from liver failure. You hit the nail on the head. This man... he promised me that this was not ever going to be him. We will be married together for 2 years in October. By the grace of God, I got thus.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you are NOT in the wrong when he tells you that you are. He may or may not believe that you actually are but, believe me, you are NOT.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> You hit the nail on the head because yes, we discussed this last night while both of us were sitting there crying after things calmed down. He said that I hit triggers. So I'm working on trying to 'not hit them' and figure out a different strategy when he is 'hounding me' which is the only way that I can explain it. I do something wrong and then its like he feels that he has to discipline me and I'm really not even doing anything wrong.


OK, let's stop and take a critical look at this for moment. 

I don't know if you have ever watched the Dr Phil Show on tv but in one episode years ago, he played a video montage of probably several dozen guests on the show that were abusive and violent relationships. 

That clip showed abuser after abuser after abuser saying this following line - "She/he keeps pushing my buttons.." ie "triggers" in the 2022 vernacular. 

That is the tagline of all abusers. Every last stink'n one of them. It's universal. 

The catch is you CAN'T avoid triggering them and there is no strategy to avoid triggering them or having them go off on you because the disorder and malfunction is WITHIN THEM. 

You're not triggering it. It is a malfunction and disorder inside of him that makes him have this growing volatility and aggression inside of him that builds up and boils over NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. Since you are the one that is there, it gets taken out on YOU.

The only way to avoid his anger and his aggression and his violence and his volatility is to AVOID HIM. His anger and aggression is within him. It is not a response to you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> My father was an alcoholic and a drug addiction. He died when I was 22 from liver failure. You hit the nail on the head. This man... he promised me that this was not ever going to be him. We will be married together for 2 years in October. By the grace of God, I got thus.


The reason you tolerate, and perhaps are even drawn to this kind of person and this kind of treatment is because it is what you grew up with and think of as "normal" and that it is ok. 

But it is not normal and it is not ok. 

You can not only do better, but it would be hard to get much worse. Throw a rock into a crowd and the random stranger you hit will statistically be a better partner than this guy. 

The issue is this is the kind of crap you grew up with so in a dysfunctional and maladaptive way, this is the kind of man you are drawn to. And since you are an enabler and codependent, these losers and bad protoplasm guys are drawn to you like moths to the flame. 

You need to get away from him so you don't get further damaged. Then you need to get yourself into therapy to fix the part of you that is attracted to these guys and get yourself squared away to the point that they are no longer drawn to you and so that decent men will be drawn to you and not see you as a train wreck.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> My father was an alcoholic and a drug addiction. He died when I was 22 from liver failure. You hit the nail on the head. This man... he promised me that this was not ever going to be him. We will be married together for 2 years in October. By the grace of God, I got thus.


Only 2 years?? Girl, put on your running shoes and GTFO!

You deserve and can do way better than this. He sounds like one of those people who will always blame someone else for his shortcomings. Also, don't make the mistake of getting pregnant.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> don't make the mistake of getting pregnant.



THIS a million times!!!! 

Have a child with this abusive, drunken druggie and the family tradition will just continue into the next generation. 

Any boys will grow seeing their drunken, porn watching, dope smoker father abuse and mistreat their mother and think that is what men do. 

And any girls will grow up thinking this is what women are suppose to live with and make excuses for.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My guess is that she’s overweight, lacking self confidence and therefore is afraid to leave. This is why people cannot let themselves go physically. I also think she’ll jump back into another bad relationship. People like OP need time alone to work on themselves physically and mentally.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> My guess is that she’s overweight, lacking self confidence and therefore is afraid to leave. This is why people cannot let themselves go physically. I also think she’ll jump back into another bad relationship. People like OP need time alone to work on themselves physically and mentally.


So we are going to turn this in to fat shaming now?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> The reason you tolerate, and perhaps are even drawn to this kind of person and this kind of treatment is because it is what you grew up with and think of as "normal" and that it is ok.
> 
> But it is not normal and it is not ok.
> 
> ...


You aren't wrong. In the beginning, I told him that I absolutely did not want anything close to this and he swore that he wasn't this and it has been great besides these moments. I'm getting the crap figured out.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So we are going to turn this in to fat shaming now?


Nope, you volunteered that you were heavy so I took that on face value.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nope, you volunteered that you were heavy so I took that on face value.


So talking about me in the third person like I'm not going to see it as you talking crap says what exactly? My weight has nothing to do with any of this.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So talking about me in the third person like I'm not going to see it as you talking crap says what exactly? My weight has nothing to do with any of this.


Then why did you volunteer it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> You aren't wrong. In the beginning, I told him that I absolutely did not want anything close to this and he swore that he wasn't this and it has been great besides these moments.


but yet the drunken abuser and the codependent enabler found each other. 

until you extricate yourself from this situation and get your issues addressed and fixed, You will just continue with this pattern. 

As far as him being only being an ass at times. Ted Bundy was handsome, educated, charming, volunteered at a helpline and would walk his female coworkers to their cars so they would get to their cars safely after work at night. 

Even the judge that sentenced him to death for being one of the country’s most prolific serial killers complimented him on his courtroom skills before sentencing him to the electric chair.

tell those up to 70-some women that he beat, raped, strangled and dumped in shallow graves that most of the time he was nice and a great guy.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Then why did you volunteer it?


Why were you talking about me in the third person?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Why were you talking about me in the third person?


Don't read too much into that. It's not uncommon that a posters will make a general statement about the OP or about a general situation to the peanut gallery of other members than directly to the OP.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Why were you talking about me in the third person?


That’s what you’re focus on? What person I’m speaking in? Okay, I’ll rephrase. YOU maybe think you are not comfortable in your own skin, have low self esteem, and therefore you stay in a bad relationship. I hope YOU can work on yourself, physically and mentally and make better decisions moving forward.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> So talking about me in the third person like I'm not going to see it as you talking crap says what exactly? My weight has nothing to do with any of this.


No your weight has absolutely nothing to do with this. His comment was completely rude and distasteful concerning weight. And I don’t know why he referred to you in the 3rd person. Odd to say the least.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

EB123 said:


> No your weight has absolutely nothing to do with this. His comment was completely rude and distasteful concerning weight. And I don’t know why he referred to you in the 3rd person. Odd to say the least.


You’ve become exposed rather quickly.
By the way, she mentioned her weight. No one asked.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> You’ve become exposed rather quickly.
> By the way, she mentioned her weight. No one asked.


I’ll have to go back and reread then. Must have missed that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

EB123 said:


> I’ll have to go back and reread then. Must have missed that.


Yeah, read post # 39 and 51. You know, reading is fundamental. Try it.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

RebuildingMe said:


> Yeah, read post # 39 and 51. You know, reading is fundamental. Try it.


Okay calm down. I’ll reread it. No need to get snarky.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> it has been great besides these moments.


Besides the moments he was sending 6 million jews to gas chambers, Hitler was a great guy. He played fetch with his german shepard dog Blondi and he would take Eva Braun out for fine dining and dancing and would entertain his leading party officials and generals at his mountaintop retreat Eagle's Nest with the finest wines, cognac and brandy and he provided the german people with fine art exhibits and museums. 

Al Capone provided soup kitchens to the poor and homeless out of his own pocket. 

John Dillinger gave cash to the bank tellers he didn't kill out of the bank's vault. 

Pol Pot provided Sovereignty and governmental services and protection to the surviving Cambodian citizens that he did not kill in the killing fields of Cambodia during one of the largest and most brutal acts of genocide in the second half of the 20th century. 

I can go on forever but I trust your ability to get my point. The greatest villains of all time, spent most of their time laughing and partying with friends, playing with their pets, providing for their families, lining the pockets of their supporters and doing good deeds in public while at the same time committing their acts of evil behind their smiling facade. 

Their friendly moments mean nothing when you are on the receiving end of their evil.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EB123 said:


> No your weight has absolutely nothing to do with this. His comment was completely rude and distasteful concerning weight.


Some times tough love comes in a bitter tasting pill. 

Her weight has nothing to do with her husband being an abusive, drunken ass. He is innately an ass and loser as part of his being. 

But her self esteem, self confidence and self image do play a significant role in her being with him and accepting this kind of treatment. 

If she had esteem and confidence in herself and knew without question she could and would do better - she would have been gone long long ago.


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

oldshirt said:


> Some times tough love comes in a bitter tasting pill.
> 
> Her weight has nothing to do with her husband being an abusive, drunken ass. He is innately an ass and loser as part of his being.
> 
> ...


Out of all of what this OP has said, taking the part where she is mentioning weight isn’t particularly helpful to her self image. But self image does play an important role I agree.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EB123 said:


> Out of all of what this OP has said, taking the part where she is mentioning weight isn’t particularly helpful to her self image. But self image does play an important role I agree.


If this were not firmly within her control, I might agree with you. 

That said, it is absolutely a factor in how she arrived in this situation. It does not, however, make her deserve such treatment by any stretch of the imagination.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## EB123 (Jan 9, 2022)

farsidejunky said:


> If this were not firmly within her control, I might agree with you.
> 
> That said, it is absolutely a factor in how she arrived in this situation. It does not, however, make her deserve such treatment by any stretch of the imagination.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


She deserves better from what I’ve read and she can take control of her situation.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Some times tough love comes in a bitter tasting pill.
> 
> Her weight has nothing to do with her husband being an abusive, drunken ass. He is innately an ass and loser as part of his being.
> 
> ...


It's called, we are married and at some point, my vows absolutely do mean something.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> If this were not firmly within her control, I might agree with you.
> 
> That said, it is absolutely a factor in how she arrived in this situation. It does not, however, make her deserve such treatment by any stretch of the imagination.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Wait... how did I arrive in this situation?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

EB123 said:


> She deserves better from what I’ve read and she can take control of her situation.


Thank you. I'm working on it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EB123 said:


> Out of all of what this OP has said, taking the part where she is mentioning weight isn’t particularly helpful to her self image. But self image does play an important role I agree.


It plays a critical role. 

Her weight has nothing to do with him being a ****. He would be a **** even if he were married to Jenifer Anniston. 

But what she tolerates and what keeps her trapped in her own self-inprisonment is influenced heavily by her own self confidence and self image. Her weight may play a role in her self confidence and esteem. 

Her FOO issues likely also play a significant role. People who come from abusive and addictive family backgrounds often see that environment as normal and acceptable and can often even self-blame and tell themselves that if they could just be nicer and more supportive and more helpful, then the addict and abuser will change........... some of this is absolutely taking place with the OP. She's said so herself in some of her posts. 

All of these things and probably a thousand other factors all play a role and contribute to the state she is in. 

Rebuilding Me may have been blunt and unfiltered, but he was not wrong. Nor do I believe he was trying to be insulting to the OP. I think he was just calling it the way he sees it. 

It was the OP that brought up her weight. She didn't have to do that which leads me to believe that she sees it as a factor. And if she sees it as a factor - then it is whether the rest of us think it should be or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Wait... how did I arrive in this situation?


you tell us.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> It's called, we are married and at some point, my vows absolutely do mean something.


I don't recall myself or anyone else mentioning vows. 

But since you brought it up, let's talk about vows for a minute. 

Did you vow to be abused and mistreated and make a home with someone who is drunk and stoned and spanking to porn all day while your wants and needs go unmet? Were you ever asked to take such vows by anyone at any time?

Did he vow to drink to take drugs and wank to porn all the time regardless of your wants and needs? Was he asked to take those vows?

I'm going to guess no. Since you did not take vows to be abused, neglected and mistreated, and since he did not take vows to drink, take drugs and mistreat you, I do not see the relevance of vows here. Neither of you took vows to be in this situation and since you have repeated claimed that you insisted this NOT happen and since he promised NOT to be a drunk and a druggie, I think it's all kind of null and void here don't you? 

You see people pull out the "Vow Card" when they have run out of any other valid arguments. It's like somehow the fact that someone made some kind of promise to love and honor someone even though they are being treated in the most unloving and dishonorable way is some kind of get out jail free card for being accountable for their own well being. 

You did not vow to be mistreated and neglected and dishonored. There for your Vow Card is null and void.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> Wait... how did I arrive in this situation?


Look, weight gain or not, there is zero reason for you to stay in this. Sure you took vows, but so did he and he’s broken them all. 

When my aunt discovered that a 19 year old waitress at their restaurant was pregnant with her husbands child and he didn’t want a divorce 🙄🙄🙄🙄 my grandmother told her:

“I will stay up late worrying if I know you’re not happy. But as much as I love you, I will eventually drift off. The only person who will be up all night crying because you are miserable is you. So do the best you can for as long as you can and then save yourself.”

Never once did anyone ask my aunt if she shouldn’t lose weight and see if her marriage got better. 🙄

It is time for you to pull up your big girl panties and save yourself because you are the only one who will. Leave him in the rear view mirror where he belongs. Some things are worse than being alone.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Look, weight gain or not, there is zero reason for you to stay in this. Sure you took vows, but so did he and he’s broken them all.
> 
> When my aunt discovered that a 19 year old waitress at their restaurant was pregnant with her husbands child and he didn’t want a divorce 🙄🙄🙄🙄 my grandmother told her:
> 
> ...


I guess I never looked at it like that - thank you.


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