# How to de-escalate fights and stop it from turning physical



## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

*How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

Hello everyone,

I could really get some advice on the situation below. I am confused if I am at fault or my husband. If its both our faults who should change what behavior to stop fights from escalating!

Last night, we went out to eat dinner and watch a movie. On the way home in the car, we got into a discussion about police brutality. We often talk about current issues and it is not always a problem BUT, usually it has a way of becoming a fight quickly. HE tells me its my fault because I dont apparently listen and let him talk.I know half of it is my fault but it gets so frustrating when he becomes so ****-ing righteous and opinionated. I feel like I also make good points. I hate that I can't just talk about stuff with him and have a discussion without him lecturing me on how I am being stupid and not making sense. I dont know how to argue my positions like him. He is just better at it and sometimes makes me feel soooo frustrated when he asks questions like "can you prove it, what facts do you have, you make no sense, bla bla!"...He doesnt always have exact statistics either and not everything has to be so accurate if it is between just us. He is not my boss or office colleague.

Anyways, we get home and apparently I was talking really loud and he was telling me to shut up so neighbors dont hear. When I had my back to him, he took his TSHIRT and smacked my back with it with a slosh motion (I dont know how to explain it but it was not body to body contact). Apparently this was done out of frustration to make me shut up.

umm...ISNT THIS PHYSICAL ABUSE? or am I crazy? So I turned around and asked him why he did that? Why was he being physical? I was not shouting out of the top of my lungs to warrant such an action? I was not going crazy and huffing or puffing? So why is he being physical when we promised each other numerous times we would not do that. Yes maybe some words were loud out of anger and Yes it was wrong as neighbors could hear and the subject matter was sensitive but DOESN'T MEAN HE GETS TO HIT ME WITH HIS TSHIRT? HE HAS BEEN LOUS BEFORE TOO. HE IS NOT PERFECT. And the worst part is that we have gotten into fights that have escalated to physical before (note: nothing to violent but maybe pushing and shoving, throwing objects on the ground etc.) and promised to each other we would not do it again to start such a physical route.

So I just became so shocked and push him back with my two hands on his back. He did not fall, hurt or have any more physical harm than that. I know I am wrong to have retaliated but I just couldn't control my shock and anger. I mean I didnt do anything to get hit by a tshirt. HOW DISRESPECTFUL when we are two adults in a marriage, not some teenage kids fighting! I know I acted as bad as him by pushing him but I need strategies to manage my anger? I dont know what to do when he physically touches me FIRST. I don't know how to control myself and not RETALIATE. I called him an *******. HE THEN CALLED ME A *****! 

Then we continued to argue for a few more minutes, and I thought he wouldn't touch me again but he put his hand on ME AGAINE! HE TOUCHED my face aggressively to shut my mouth with his large hand. I had not done anything physical to him again to warrant that. I blew up after this and slapped him. He pushed me to the ground. I started shouting at this point and then he called me a ****!!!!! A C*UNT! A ****ING C*UNT. HE HAD CALLED ME THAT ONCE BEFORE in our 5 year marriage AND I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM IF HE CALLED ME THAT AGAIN.

Apparently the justification for that was that I was not listening to him to lower my voice and because I had called him an ******* he has the right to call me a ***** and also a ****! Do you guys think it is the same level? A man calling his wife a C*UNT and being called jerk or an ******* by her is the same thing? For me ******* is like calling him an extreme version of a jerk. He can also call me an ******* or a moron or whatever. I have never called him anything else other than an ******* when I am really upset. He promised me never to call me a cun*t ever again in out marriage.:frown2:

I packed my bag to leave but he wouldn't let me pack it throwing everything on the floor, blocking my way saying we need to talk but refusing to apologize, saying I started it by calling him ******* and how he didnt do anything wrong as I was the one being loud. Does being loud mean he gets to hit me with a tshirt, or cover my face with his hand, or call me a C-UNT!!!!??? 

We went to sleep upset. I left the next morning to do errands. We are not talking. I know we will eventually make up, but since he has done this before how can I move one now? He has called me a cun't and been physical before _**(When he gets mad he sometimes blocks me or pushes himself on me aggressively without crossing the line and being physically violent so he gets to say to me that he didn't do anything that qualifies as being physical)_ 
How the hell am I supposed to let this happen again and live in a marriage where my husband gets away with calling me a c*unt if things become really heated or if I become really LOUD at night and he is scared of the neighbors calling the police. I know I also push him back and I am the one being loud so its not like I am 100% victim so I dont know what to do. In fact tonight we have a dinner with his family which I cannot get out of as it has been planned for months. I have to go back and change and get ready and go with him even if we DONT SPEAK. 

PLEASE HELP ME ANALYSE THE SITUATION. THANK YOU.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

You guys need to get some professional help to learn to communicate with each other. This is not going to improve on its own. Adults can disagree without an argument....as partners you dont have to agree on everything...a discussion of current events is not a contest....there is no winner...its just talking, expressing your own views. 

I hope you can see the irony of a physical argument that started over police brutality...in this instance...your both the bad cop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't jump to suggesting divorce, but you sound like you're in an abusive relationship, period. And trust me, it will not get better. Praying for you, to have the strength to do what's best for you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Time to leave, Nope, don't care if it was a shirt. I honestly believe quite a few murders were truly escalation accidents. The violence was purposeful, but they reacted with a different object instead of a T-Shirt. If that's how he argues time to go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You told him if he called you that word again, you would leave.

And you didn't.

To earn his respect you have to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wow I am sorry for you. You both need to learn how to argue without taking it personal, however you shouldn't do that in the middle of a marriage with abuse. Your marriage is toxic at this point. Separate and seek counseling for yourself. Next time someone tries to hit you just get out of there don't try to retaliate. You never know what kind of person you are dealing with.

Don't get back with him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

He tried to shut your mouth with his hand, after angrily hitting you with his shirt, then he pushes you to the floor and your main concern is what he said to you?! What on earth.

First of all, the way to keep arguments from escalating is for two people to have each other's backs and be having conversations to learn about each other and understand each other more deeply. It should not be about trying to convince someone of your point of view. That's not what matters at all. If that is how you treat each other, that is where the trouble begins.

Let me make this clear. The trouble does not start with the argument. It starts with the way you two are looking at things and your husband's lack of concern for your well being. He is more concerned with winning an argument than he is with your physical safety. Let that sink in. That is a huge problem.

I highly recommend you watch this video. It is a pastor explaining how escalation happens and why people don't recognize it. You need to understand what escalation is, because you are in danger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDK4gz2hycQ


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You sound exactly like my kids (but they don't swear) but there's no parent there to stop it escalating. Just this morning they were sorting the clothes for washing and he swung a pair of undies at her face so she did some sort of claw thing at his chest with one hand, so he did the same thing back with both hands and she got angry and he came and dobbed on her to me.

One thing I told them both if you don't want things to escalate into a physical fight, don't get physical. If you don't want to be called nasty names, then don't call someone a nasty name.

You have not sought better ways to manage your anger. You have formed a relationship with someone who has this same failing and it lets you sit on your hands and do nothing about it.

It sounds like you are both competing with each other to see who can hit harder, who can be nastier. I think he will always beat you when it all boils down to it. You can stay and continue this competition with him, or you can leave and look for better people to have in your life who will help you become a better person yourself. Sometimes it's possible for both people to help each other grow, but they both have to be willing to admit they need to do better.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is physically abusive. You are doing nothing wrong - except maybe not having left already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any family or friends who you can move in with? You need to get away from him. This is only going to get worse with time.

Do you have children with him?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You two are not mature enough for marriage. When verbal aggression escalates it turns physical, that is the next step in the progression. If you are having fights of this magnitude over such trivial matters then there is an underlying issue. It would appear that neither of you can be wrong, each must win. There cannot be two winners in a contest between two people. I must agree with the other poster that you are behaving as children. How can you score which body part is more offensive? Actually, a vagina can be used for pleasure and to facilitate bringing new life into the world whereas an anus simply passes fecal matter through it. Which would you rather be given the choice?

What is your purpose for coming here? Is it to find those that agree with you so you can use that as ammunition against him? I agree that you are in an abusive relationship but he is not the sole abuser, I believe you share in that as well. I am going to speak to you as you were the one who posted here. If you really had a desire to not have your conversations escalate into full out fights all you would have to do is act maturely.

If it frustrates you so that he argues his point better than you then learn how to argue more efficiently. Also you must realize that trying to win a point by screaming, verbal abuse or physical violence is never successful, it only serves to prove your weakness in articulating your point rationally. If you had enough maturity to stop arguing when you feel he is being unreasonable instead of pushing your point would that not offer a more desirable outcome?

People who resort to screaming, verbal abuse and then physical violence are those that cannot successfully convey their point rationally. Try once acting as an adult. If you are arguing a point and your position is weak simply acknowledge that you currently do not have sufficient knowledge about the subject to have an effective discourse and, if is that important to you, study up on the subject and approach the topic again when you are better prepared to have a more balanced discussion.

I believe that there is abuse and then there is response to stimuli. If you try what I suggested above and your H still pushes his point refusing to acknowledge your unpreparedness then his actions are not rational nor reasonable but rather abusive. On the other hand, if he agrees to hold the discussion until you are better prepared, then you will have effectively prevented the situation from escalating further. You may see this as "losing" but was what happened the other night after dinner "winning"?

It is not a sign of weakness to admit that you are not fully prepared to argue a point but rather a sign of maturity. Furthermore, allowing the argument to escalate into violence is not a sign of strength but rather stupidity. If you attempt to emulate reasonable behavior and your H still presses for the situation to escalate then you may indeed be in a relationship with an abuser and you will need to consider the prudence of remaining in such an environment.

There are times when people respond and react excessively and I am not condoning your H's actions however, I have seen first hand how an otherwise reasonable person can be pushed to the edge by someone who knows how to "push their buttons". Why not try not pushing those buttons and see what the outcome is? You may then experience what it is like to actually win an argument.

Your question was actually how to de-escalate a confrontation but I have instead offered a possible way to prevent the situation from escalating in the first place which I see as preferable. If you do not then simply ignore this post. I wish you good fortune.


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

I have no family. No friends. I never made friends growing up. My family is in another country. I moved here for work and met him and lived here afterwards. No kids either. 

But everyone saying he is abusive can you let me know if you still think this if I called him as*shole first that's when he called me b*itch, then later c*unt. does it mean I'm abusive too? And he sloshed a tshirt at me cause I was shouting and he was scared our apartment neighbors would call police as it was 12am, he had told me to stop shouting numerous times. So is it still his fault or mine now? Then later after this I shouted him to never hitt me again loudly and we since have neighbors next to our wall he was said he put his hand on my mouth to shut me up. Once he sloshed me with the Tshirt I pushed him three times as hard out of anger so is he the abusive one or am I at fault too? When I called him as.hole he called me bit.ch then later he also called me the c word....He says its same as any swear word and I said as.s hole first so I am also to blame equally. Is this true? I called his Mom a fatso wh.ore after this. Is as.shole same as botch or c.unt??


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

kacy said:


> I have no family. No friends. I never made friends growing up. My family is in another country. I moved here for work and met him and lived here afterwards. No kids either.
> 
> But everyone saying he is abusive can you let me know if you still think this if I called him as*shole first that's when he called me b*itch, then later c*unt. does it mean I'm abusive too? And he sloshed a tshirt at me cause I was shouting and he was scared our apartment neighbors would call police as it was 12am, he had told me to stop shouting numerous times. So is it still his fault or mine now? Then later after this I shouted him to never hitt me again loudly and we since have neighbors next to our wall he was said he put his hand on my mouth to shut me up. Once he sloshed me with the Tshirt I pushed him three times as hard out of anger so is he the abusive one or am I at fault too? When I called him as.hole he called me bit.ch then later he also called me the c word....He says its same as any swear word and I said as.s hole first so I am also to blame equally. Is this true? I called his Mom a fatso wh.ore after this. Is as.shole same as botch or c.unt??


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Seems like a troll thread now.


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

It's pointless talking to him he is so righteous and opinionated that it drives me nuts. He knows how to fight well. He is a lawyer. So it's difficult to just always let him. I sometimes want to prove him wrong by logically winning a debate but he is such a know it all it drives me nuts!


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

Um replying from an iPhone so something got messed up, it's not a troll? What does that mean?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You both need counselling.

If he is a lawyer he needs to be careful he does not wreck his career with DV convictions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kacy (Jun 30, 2013)

So you think we are equally abusive to each other? He is not the one at fault for making the first physical move?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She has other threads. Same topics. Already got all this same advice over the other 5 threads.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

kacy said:


> So you think we are equally abusive to each other? He is not the one at fault for making the first physical move?


He threw a shirt, or not even that? I don't know, did he twirl it around first and use it like a whip? My sisters and I used to do that with tea towels and flick each other (in jest, not anger). It can hurt if you know what you're doing.

If DH threw a shirt at me I sure as sh1t wouldn't go over and physically shove him for it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*



kacy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I could really get some advice on the situation below. I am confused if I am at fault or my husband. If its both our faults who should change what behavior to stop fights from escalating!
> 
> ...


Get counselling immediately to be able to handle disputes in a non threatening way. You are supposed to be on the same team. There is a lack of respect coming from both of you. Neither of you should be getting physical. Do you have kids? This will get worse and escalate, deal with this problem now.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You both are abusive. Your entire attitude is not one that will create a healthy marriage. Calling his mother vile names is to hurt him. It's not self defense. That is verbal abuse. You shoving him out of anger is physical violence/abuse. Yes, even though he smacked you with the shirt. This is because you were not doing it in self defense. You were doing it to retaliate and to escalate the situation.

He is behaving at least as badly as you are. 

The problem is that neither of you know what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. You are fighting with each other rather than building each other up. You have an adversarial relationship, which is the opposite of what marriage is about.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

*Yes! Even that flippant contact is deemed to be overt "physical abuse!" 

Get professional counseling immediately ~ and if he perchance refuses to acquiese, then start looking for a good family lawyer to vigorously represent your fair portion of the marital interests and community assets!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

I think you are asking how you can get HIM to de-escalate, because it's obvious how you could have done it during this fight. You back off, and let him cool down instead of raising your voice and making things worse.

Now that's not saying that he was right and that you guys don't have problems. The name calling is not cool. But to answer your question: Exercise self-control and let things simmer down if you don't want a blow out. And accept that you can't control how he reacts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

Counselling for the two of you.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*

Arguments will happen. It's how we handle them that makes or breaks a marriage. A marriage is between two consenting ADULTS. If you handle yourself in an adult way, the argument should never degrade to name calling and pushing. Those are teenage bulllying techniques at best. 

You married your husband because you love him and respect who he is, correct? Disagreements of this kind can help you to grow to understand him better. It can either lead to more love and more respect, or it can lead to a loss of respect and diminished love. That goes both ways. It's rare that my wife and I argue, but when we do, my goal is to make her see things my way. At no time is my goal to hurt her in ANY way. 

The rest of this, from whether a swat with a shirt is abuse or whether calling you the C word is worse than the term you used, is mostly icing on the cake. Get to a point in your marriage where no matter how heated the argument, neither of you wants to hurt the other. That's when you are acting like an adult and can have good, healthy disagreements.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*



NoChoice said:


> OP,
> You two are not mature enough for marriage. When verbal aggression escalates it turns physical, that is the next step in the progression. If you are having fights of this magnitude over such trivial matters then there is an underlying issue. It would appear that neither of you can be wrong, each must win. There cannot be two winners in a contest between two people. I must agree with the other poster that you are behaving as children. How can you score which body part is more offensive? Actually, a vagina can be used for pleasure and to facilitate bringing new life into the world whereas an anus simply passes fecal matter through it. Which would you rather be given the choice?
> 
> What is your purpose for coming here? Is it to find those that agree with you so you can use that as ammunition against him? I agree that you are in an abusive relationship but he is not the sole abuser, I believe you share in that as well. I am going to speak to you as you were the one who posted here. If you really had a desire to not have your conversations escalate into full out fights all you would have to do is act maturely.
> ...


As I posted on your identical other thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You had two threads on this exact topic. I merged both of them. Only one thread on a topic.


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## gameon329 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I don't jump to suggesting divorce, but you sound like you're in an abusive relationship, period. And trust me, it will not get better. Praying for you, to have the strength to do what's best for you.




Kacy, It will get better. I've been in your shoes. Escalated to shouting, slapping, nami calling, slamming doors, silence treatment, tit for tat. 

What you and husband need, i'm been there, i know this stuff, 

what you two need is 1)attitute/perspective change and
2) conflict resolution skill.

Good news is, it just take ONE person to change the dynamic of the relationship . YOU can lead in this issue. Lead by example.

Read on:

1) attitude+ perspective change:
You can't change his view/belief. Yes, you may influence him but your end goal is NOT to make him think like you.

People rarely change beliefs, they just get stronger. 

You end goal, imho, is to let him feel safe to speak out his thoughts. Men don't want another competitive, arguementative man as a spouse... when they already faced so much stress at the office.

2) Learn conflict resolution. I've read so many books on anger management, conflict, emotions etc and let me save your time, Kacy. Only ONE bestseller book everyone should graduate from is Crucial Conversations.

You're welcome .

Im approaching my 5th anniversary. with Two very young children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: How to de-escalate fights so it doesnt turn physical*



kacy said:


> HI had not done anything physical to him again to warrant that. I blew up after this and slapped him. He pushed me to the ground. I started shouting at this point and then he called me a ****!!!!! A C*UNT! A ****ING C*UNT. HE HAD CALLED ME THAT ONCE BEFORE in our 5 year marriage AND I HAD TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD LEAVE HIM IF HE CALLED ME THAT AGAIN.


Why haven't you moved out?

I told my husband 35 years ago that if he ever used that word on me, he'd never see me again because it is a gesture of abuse and hatred, and I will not tolerate it. And I meant it - I will leave if he ever uses that word to me.

If you don't leave after that, you have NO POWER in your marriage. And he will start escalating the abuse - as you have now seen.

btw, you could use some therapy yourself for participating. You SEEM like teenagers.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

To stop fights from getting physical..... run.

Relationship experts don't really want to take on couples that fight physically. Why not? There is the risk of further fighting, injury or death.

To improve a relationship, each person has to accept responsibility for their feelings and actions. Abusers don't do this. When responsibility is imposed on them, they get physically or emotionally violent. Caveat Emptor.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

As Bill Burr said "there are plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don't do it" lol


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Aggressive behavior in a relationship is often the result of an individual or couples inability to resolve problems at a lower level.

Before an argument escalates, do you both say how you both feel in that moment and why? Shifting the focus of conversation to feelings is naturally de-escalating.

And then again, some people are just absolute d*cks.

Counselling is the obvious first step here.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think you’re both poor communicators and you need to see a marriage counselor. 

I have a feeling that you don’t like to lose. In a marriage there shouldn’t be a you and me. It’s a ‘us’. It sounds like you are both out to destroy each other. 

I’ve realized after many years of marriage I was kidding myself if I thought arguments were about winning a war. I don’t need to win especially if the topic is trivial. In this case, unless you’re both politicians or police commissioners it was meant to be a debate. Was it important to win? Who won and does it feel good at all?

Your husband told you to shut up, but you did not want to let him have the last word. You had to provoke him further. I’m not saying do what he tells you to do like a doormat, but you have to understand each other’s limits and don’t push any further, have some time out. 

I don’t condone domestic violence, but in this case the situation escalated into what it is because you both view each other as enemies. 

You both have immature communication skills.


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