# I want to be with a girl- I know is wrong, is it?



## confusewife (Sep 30, 2010)

Hello all,
I've been married for 22 yrs. I love my husband and my 3 kids. Lately I want to be with a woman. I crave it like crazy. I think I always felt like that but it was suppressed and now bi's and lesbian's are everywhere and it's bringing that side out of me. I am having an internet relantionship with this girl but she has a lot of issues and I am scare to meet her. I do think I love her and she loves me but I love my husband I will never leave him or hurt him. Have anyone gone thru this? I am wondering if this feelings will leave someday? I am torture by the need to be with a woman but then I am torture with the thought of cheating on my hubby. That is just not acceptable moraly to me. I don't know what to do. It's hard to sleep and concentrate on work or anything for that matter. Help please.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't have this kind of experience. But my honest advice for you is not to do anything wrong. You can have the craving, but putting you marriage into danger is really going to hurt you badly later, no mention your husband, you will really regret later for it if you do meet this woman. You love your husband a lot, you have a wonderful marriage, so please don't do anything to ruin it. Your feeling for her is just a short time infatuation. She won't give you long tern security and happiness. 

Please remember, when we are old, we want to talk a walk together with our loving husbands. 

So please don't do anything to ruin what you have!!!!!!


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

confusewife said:


> Hello all,
> I've been married for 22 yrs. I love my husband and my 3 kids. Lately I want to be with a woman. I crave it like crazy. I think I always felt like that but it was suppressed and now bi's and lesbian's are everywhere and it's bringing that side out of me. I am having an internet relantionship with this girl but she has a lot of issues and I am scare to meet her. I do think I love her and she loves me but I love my husband I will never leave him or hurt him. Have anyone gone thru this? I am wondering if this feelings will leave someday? I am torture by the need to be with a woman but then I am torture with the thought of cheating on my hubby. That is just not acceptable moraly to me. I don't know what to do. It's hard to sleep and concentrate on work or anything for that matter. Help please.


Many women report same-sex attraction...you are not abnormal. I highly recommend talking to your husband about it if he is open-minded. You might be able to work-out an agreement with him. 

CC


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I recommend stop having this emtional affair, stop contacting this woman completely and go hug your family. My thinking is you can sleep alot better if you stay focused on real things that have been constant and true. Right now you are in a fantasy that fogs up your perspective. Its wierd the women says all kinds of flattering things and there is so much love between the two of you,AND YOU CANT TAKE HER OUT IN PUPLIC, can you?
Please for your kids sake come back down, its real down here on earth I know its hard but the rewards are better then any you will get from a women that you know nothing about. Wait, I may be wrong here so please for your families sake, at the very least do a backround check and make sure you are not risking your honor as a honest, trust worthy women for something that is truely not real.
Or
Meet this woman in person and bring her home and show every one how happy you are. Your family and friend while understand that before you have a physical relationship that you are honest enough to indroduce her to everyone and everyone will be so happy for you and proud of you for being so honest.
Please, two things 1 who are you realy dealing with(if she knows your married and she still want to be with you well geezz
2 be honest with your self, for no other reason but to sleep at night.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

Moral,implies conformity to established sanctioned codes or accepted of right and wrong.Ethical,may suggest the involvement of more difficult or subtle questions of rightness,fairness or equity, <committed to the highest principles>. Love doesn't save marriage nor can marriage survive solely on it either.Also in these time,the midlife crisis has come alot sooner about 15 years Early,so now it hitting 30-35 in some people life.I would say to you right now ,that you are cheating on your husband right now,Mental,emotionally,and sexual in your mind.I don't believe that any person here can tell you weather it right for you to be bi-lesbian.That for you and a Professional counselor or therapist,get help should be your first step.Yes you are torturing yourself.One would call it standing in front of the door,well you are on the other side.Internet relationship.Don't think for one monument that this form can solve this but can help.And its not uncommon for women to feel such things ,as for seeing it more these todays yes women are coming out more. I don't look down on you,alot of people here above have given you good word.Its time for to go to work.Let us know how it worked out for you.Best wishes.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dave321 said:


> Moral,implies conformity to established sanctioned codes or accepted of right and wrong.Ethical,may suggest the involvement of more difficult or subtle questions of rightness,fairness or equity, <committed to the highest principles>. Love doesn't save marriage nor can marriage survive solely on it either.Also in these time,the midlife crisis has come alot sooner about 15 years Early,so now it hitting 30-35 in some people life.I would say to you right now ,that you are cheating on your husband right now,Mental,emotionally,and sexual in your mind.I don't believe that any person here can tell you weather it right for you to be bi-lesbian.That for you and a Professional counselor or therapist,get help should be your first step.Yes you are torturing yourself.One would call it standing in front of the door,well you are on the other side.Internet relationship.Don't think for one monument that this form can solve this but can help.And its not uncommon for women to feel such things ,as for seeing it more these todays yes women are coming out more. I don't look down on you,alot of people here above have given you good word.Its time for to go to work.Let us know how it worked out for you.Best wishes.


Ｉ　read the news article too. People from 35---45 are the most depressed ones. Over 20% of them don't have a peaceful life at home! They have problems at work too. Did we read the same article?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Bisexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, however it is not an excuse to have an affair, emotional or physical.

I suggest counseling. It helped me tremendously with my bisexuality and how it affects my marriage.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

You build this life together for 22 years with kids, now you want to test it, life, it so hard to keep up with it but it only take one false move and that 22 yrs of creation is gone.

Do what you think is right, take the right path and choose it well! It's good to eat chocolate but they don't last.


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## confusewife (Sep 30, 2010)

Hi all and thanks for responding. You are all a kind group. I have this feelings since I was in elementary school. I fell in love with a girl in 8th grade but nothing physical happen as I didn't understood at that time what was happening but now I know. I adore my husband and my kids. He gives me everything that a MAN can possibly give a woman. but that is just it he is a man. this girl that I talk to makes me feels things that I have never felt before with a man and that's just on the phone or computer so imagine how will be if I meet her. I was going to meet her couple of months ago but I freaked out and cancel. I can't cheat on my husband even though I am right now with this emotional affair. My therapist recommended that I find a group for bisexual women where I can have the support I need. I can't tell my husband. He is very old fashion and kind of homophobic.
I have broken off with this girl but never more than 2 days. I realize that I am kind of addicted to her and viceversa. I have asked her to leave me but she can't and I can't either. I do think that I am in love with her but I can't figure out why. She has Borderline disorder but is the sweetest person with me. Writes me poems, sends me music and other stuff. Our conversations sometimes turn sexual of course. So I know I need to get her off my system but when I leave her, I feel miserable. I can't do anything and cry in hiding a lot. I know I need to ended and I need to find the balls (forgive me the expression) to do that. thanks for listening all of you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'd separate the two issues:

Issue #1: You are bi and crave exploring this side of yourself. Fair enough, but you need to include your husband in this. Maybe he's open to a 3 way, maybe he's open to you exploring it on your own. But hiding it from him is wrong.

Issue #2: The emotional affair. You said you don't want to hurt your husband, but you already ARE hurting him via the affair with this woman. Don't kid yourself. Read posts in the infidelity section to understand what is truly going on.

What to do about it? 

You need to get honest with your husband. He may be homophobic, but living a lie is damaging to your core self. Essentially you are worried he'll reject the person you really are.

I read today that: "Affairs are a rebellion, and an attempt to find another version of ourselves. As Esther Perel puts it, 'it is not our partners we seek to leave but ourselves'." That seems to be exactly what is going on for you.

Be authentic with your husband, leave the marriage, or learn to live with it. Being around other bi women in a support group just seems like a way to find another affair partner.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Get your husband's permission, and find a girl for sex. Craiglist is a good place to start, but avoid ads that require a photo. Email the woman to meet in the daytime for an outing, then take it from there. As long as it's purely physical with some friendship, I don't see any problem. If it gets emotional, it could get tricky.

This works for me and my H. I am currently looking for a "playmate" in my local area, not because of a craving for a woman at this time in my life (although I have been in love with women before), but more for fun. For me, I need to her be very attractive, because doing her is like me doing me.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What? " husbands old fashion" 
Sara Ann, I think you missed something
Its not about sex any more she is having a full blown EA and she cant sleep.
If she is going to ask her husband anything, it should be fogivness and help in ending this unhealth addiction.
I love lesbians but when H & kids are involved, Then you need to put your big girl pants on and at least get them through school. 
Hold on, how old are the kids?
Any way, please stop this and get out of this fog. have you read your last post "shes borderline" COME ON.
It sucks when we take vows and then bail out. I would think that you are a person of your word. But it feels so good to be bad, go head, and when your kids screw up just say " its ok to be bad it fells good" nice role model mom.
Hey sorry for the *****ing I just think your so close to doing whats right, it frusturates me.
Please dont go down that road, not now.
and if you do, tell your man,


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

theguy, thanks for making me go back to read the post more thoroughly.

Now I am wondering how you can fall in love with someone you have only met on the internet?

If your H still turns you on, you would not be lesbian I think, maybe bi? I can see how wanting something you can't have turns it into an obsession, so there is no way to tell if your obsession is due to an unexplored desire or if you do have very strong attractions to women.

If it helps, I had strong attractions to women at a few points in my life, where I was "in love" with a woman. Those were phases and passed.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with both the guy and Sara Ann. It's NOT all about sex and right now, I think her mind is trying to rationalize what she is doing. She has feelings for this OW, but feels guilty about the effects on her family. She knows it is wrong to deceive her H and family, but EAs are like drugs-she will swear to herself that the next time she talks to the OW will definitely be the last time, but then she'll get depressed about it and want to talk to the OW just "one last time-what could it hurt?". Sooner or later, she will indeed meet with the OW, the meetings will become more numerous, and she will believe that she has fallen head-over-heels in true love with her, then her H is no longer going to be this wonderful man she doesn't want to hurt: he will morph overnight into the biggest a**hole she has ever known, and she will hate him for standing in the way of her true happiness she will resent him more and more, they will fight more often and eventually, she will be telling a divorce judge of years of unfulfillment, emotional abuse and how he was "never there" for her. He'll be wondering what he did wrong, the kids may take sides in this (and I'm willing to bet it will not be on her side), but, what the heck, she will say to herself that at last she can be really happy. But then that "borderline disorder" will be showing itself, that relationship may not last, and she will have a long life of regret ahead of her. 

Sorry, I tend to wax poetic on worst case scenarios. But confuse wife is in an extremely dangerous situation right now. EAs, in my opinion, are much more devastating than one night stands. Not all extramarital affairs end the way I described, but this IS how almost all of them start.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Straight and single people alike can fall in love with other people but, doesn't make is right. You are cheating on some level and you need to stop it now. Many men and women have bi-tendancies or other urges/desires, crushes or even fall in love but, they/we suppress them for the sake of those that we love, trully love that we have built homes and familis with. Be strong break off all communication. If this other person with any compassion she will understand it and leave you alone. If you need counseling get it. i would think as others mentioned being around bi/lesbians is a bad idea. 

For the sake of your family break it off. Care not for this other person your allegiance should be clear. 

Saying "you can't" or "she can't is a cop out. Step up! Step out from this mess now. No contact no mixed signals. It will take time


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## confusewife (Sep 30, 2010)

I see everyone makes a good point. I am bi not lesbian and my husband does turn me on as many other man do, well, and woman.
My kids are 21, 18 and a little girl who is 9 and she is my life. I will NOT act phisically on this emotions that I am feeling for this girl. Since I left my therapist the other day I did like she suggested and try to find a bisexual group to get support and that is how I found this threat. I did found some other websites that made me feel dirty and very ashame. Like I said I always had this feelings inside and always have been looking subconsciously to connect with a woman and then I found her. This woman had made me feel a different way. I am turn on 24-7 which my husband is enjoying a lot and this has been a change. Before I was a little on the cold side but always enjoy sex. I need sex frequently I think we all do but now that I am thinking of women all the time I wanted all the time. ok, I got that out off my system now let me say this, again I love my husband and kids. He gives me everything that a man can give the woman he loves and he is a great father.
while I was searching for the websites I saw so many things that my body craves but in my heart I am not ready for any of that. I need to accept who am I and make peace with the fact that maybe some day I will be with a woman but not now. I am catholic and lately I feel so ashame that I wasn't even praying because I find myself so deep into sin. I am back praying and meditating because I need to learn how to deal with the anxiety that this feelings are causing me and also I need to deal with how to break it off with my girl. I do love her, I love that she is always there waiting for me even if it is over email or phone. I thank you all for your support. I feel really lost some times and my mind wanders and that is what I need to learn how to control now. I feel heart broken just thinking of not having her in my life anymore but I know that I have to let her go at some point but I don't think that I can right now. I mentioned her issues and I don't want to hurt her so I need to let her down slowly I think it will be best for the both fo us.
thanks for listening. I won't hurt my family and maybe someday I will tell my husband. Sometimes I joke around with him about lesbian stuff and he just gets irritated so YES I am terrified that he will not love anymore the person that I am inside...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

A quote that sticks in my head sometimes - paraphrased - not sure who said it:

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not."

If you are living a lie, I don't expect that your marriage would last much longer anyway.

And it sounds like you are living 2 lies - I also view the EA and the Bi as two separate issues. 

You need to end the EA - period.

With the feelings about women, you have a choice. Tell your husband and risk losing him. Or keep it inside and "fake it til you make it" and risk losing yourself.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It seems to me you are loving the attention this woman gives you - which is at the center of all affairs. I believe you are confusing the love of attention, with the love of this woman. My bet is that if a man was giving you the same attention, you'd be on about how your husband doesn't meet your needs, etc, etc. 

The mirror we look into tends to cloud our image. 

Your talk about your husband being able to meet the needs a MAN can give, is really just an elaborate justification for having the affair with a woman. Because after all, he's just a man, and can't give you what a woman brings so it's not his fault, not your fault, just fate. It's self-justifying b*ll****. Your counselor should be calling you on it.


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## DaMarried (Oct 16, 2010)

Feelings like this can be difficult to overcome, I suppose, especially if you keep fueling the desire.

Is it wrong? Yes it is wrong. Bisexual or homosexual desires are not healthy, and feeding them like you are doing is wrong. On top of that, you are married. You should not be having an affair with someone else. That is a sin against your husband and a sin against God. He is the only one who can help you overcome desires like the one you are having.

Just imagine what will happen if you continue down this path. Do you want to break your husband's heart and lose your marriage?

I recommend that you do confess to your husband. Let him know about your emails. Set yourself up with some accountability. Let your husband have your password and check to make sure you aren't corresponding with this woman. Create a situation for yourself where you can't do this secretly. Letting your husband know about this may be painful for him, but it may also prevent greater pain in the future.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

possible answers 
1) talk to ur hubby
2) go for counselling
3) but if it is something that ur hubby would fantasize and get turned on with, y not?


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## DaMarried (Oct 16, 2010)

malmale said:


> possible answers
> 
> 3) but if it is something that ur hubby would fantasize and get turned on with, y not?


Because unfaithfulness is still wrong even if both husband and wife agree. And because things like this can destroy a marriage, even if they appeal to certain people's fantasies.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

DaMarried said:


> Because unfaithfulness is still wrong even if both husband and wife agree. And because things like this can destroy a marriage, even if they appeal to certain people's fantasies.


not necessary, it all depends on how well/open your thinkings are with each other.

give u an example, for me i have very vivid imaginations, if wifey were to be interested in trying/experimenting such sexual orientations, by all means please go ahead! its a great turn on for me that not only men, but even ladies are interested in pleasuring her! 

unless she would prefer such sexual orientations and forget her role with her hubby, then it is a totally different story altogether! 

but then again, this can only happen if both of u mutually agree to the terms n conditions set betwen yourselves


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

There's nothing wrong with being bisexual. Do not let anyone make you feel bad about that. It doesn't change in any way who you are or your worth. It makes me sad that you are partly hating yourself for your sexuality. I must say, however, that that feeling is probably coming from betraying your husband than from being bisexual ... you are confusing WHY you are feeling so bad about yourself. I agree with others that these are two separate issues.

You mention that this woman has lot of "issues" and is borderline ... run away, run away. What seems totally great online would be a whole other deal face-to-face on an ongoing basis. 

If you haven't already, you might want to check out www(dot)shybi(dot)com ... (obviously, substitute the "dot" with an actual " . ") Lots of supportive bisexual women there (many of them married).


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with the above, don't hate yourself because of your sexuality! I am also of an alternative kind of sexual orientation and that is ok. There are ways of making things work within a marriage  In your case, roleplay would be a good one.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

youre living in a fantasy world right now. you have no idea how a relationship like this would complicate your life, do you?


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

voivod said:


> youre living in a fantasy world right now. you have no idea how a relationship like this would complicate your life, do you?


sometimes it is good to have at least some fantasy than to be a dead fish, no?

i remain to be corrected


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## confusewife (Sep 30, 2010)

Hi All,
These past two weeks have been very hard for me. I am just now checking and seeing all your responses and I feel like I should let you all know what is going on. I put some distance little by little with this girl. She finally got the hint and she is very upset with me as I was expecting. Finally I broke it off this past Friday and haven't heard from her since Sunday. I am heart broken but in peace. I am going to therapy. My therapyst recomended for me to confront this feelings and I did. I went to cuople of websites and I realized that I am not a player. I found myself not interested at all in the other women asking for dates and stuff. I freaked out, my life with my husband and kids flashed in front of my eyes and if I loose them I rather died. So got the courage and said goodbye to my girl. I miss her so much right now just thinking that she is hurting breaks my heart and I want to call her but I think of my husband and I do love him. You guys made me realize that yes, there is something missing in my marriage and I need to fix that. My H and I are kind of happy. We do have a lot of sex but not much romance and now I know that is part of what attracted me to this girl, you know the talk the poems, songs...I love that kind of stuff, so I will try to make it better with my husband. I want to thank you all for taking the time to listen to me. I know I need to stay away from her. She hasn't call or email at all and of course it hurts like crazy but I know is for the better. thanks to all of you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

confusewife said:


> Hi All,
> These past two weeks have been very hard for me. I am just now checking and seeing all your responses and I feel like I should let you all know what is going on. I put some distance little by little with this girl. She finally got the hint and she is very upset with me as I was expecting. Finally I broke it off this past Friday and haven't heard from her since Sunday. I am heart broken but in peace. I am going to therapy. My therapyst recomended for me to confront this feelings and I did. I went to cuople of websites and I realized that I am not a player. I found myself not interested at all in the other women asking for dates and stuff. I freaked out, my life with my husband and kids flashed in front of my eyes and if I loose them I rather died. So got the courage and said goodbye to my girl. I miss her so much right now just thinking that she is hurting breaks my heart and I want to call her but I think of my husband and I do love him. You guys made me realize that yes, there is something missing in my marriage and I need to fix that. My H and I are kind of happy. We do have a lot of sex but not much romance and now I know that is part of what attracted me to this girl, you know the talk the poems, songs...I love that kind of stuff, so I will try to make it better with my husband. I want to thank you all for taking the time to listen to me. I know I need to stay away from her. She hasn't call or email at all and of course it hurts like crazy but I know is for the better. thanks to all of you.


Change both your email address and your phone number and also actively block her email and her phone number.

Whatever your sexuality is, you made a vow to be faithful to your husband.

If you find you cannot do that, then leave him.

You do not get a pass just because the object of your affection is another woman.

That you are unsatisfied in your marriage is kind of beside the point. You may be unsatisfied in your marriage because you've taken your focus off it. Chicken and egg type of situation.

I'm not suggesting you deny your true nature, just that you honor your commitments.

Again, if you cannot honor your commitments, then divorce your husband and pursue a different path.


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## Humpalot (Oct 27, 2010)

YES honestly why should your hubby care if you make out with a girl - There's no competition there - Two different worlds - Even if he wanted to compete with a girl he couldn't. No threat - UNLESS you are truly a lesbian and not bi.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

confusewife said:


> Hello all,
> I've been married for 22 yrs. I love my husband and my 3 kids. Lately I want to be with a woman. I crave it like crazy. I think I always felt like that but it was suppressed and now bi's and lesbian's are everywhere and it's bringing that side out of me. I am having an internet relantionship with this girl but she has a lot of issues and I am scare to meet her. I do think I love her and she loves me but I love my husband I will never leave him or hurt him. Have anyone gone thru this? I am wondering if this feelings will leave someday? I am torture by the need to be with a woman but then I am torture with the thought of cheating on my hubby. That is just not acceptable moraly to me. I don't know what to do. It's hard to sleep and concentrate on work or anything for that matter. Help please.


It really does not matter what gender you are cheating with, what you are doing is wrong. If you want a relationship with a women so badly then do the right thing by your husband and let him go to find a woman who will love only him. You will hurt him but not as much as deceiving him by this affair.

Is your desire for a women stronger that your desire as a mother to provide a stable happy home for 3 small children and being a loving spouse? Is your love for a woman you have never met who has given you nothing, mean more than your family? Is the family you have created over the preceding 22 yrs so worthless that you throw it away to pursue a fantasy? 

You have to get yourself together and think of what your are doing, you are being incredibly self-cenetered and uncaring. Your desire for a woman and cheating is the same as it is would be if it involved a man. Be honest with your husband. If you want to squander the gifts of family and love for this fantasy then go for it. Your husband may be better off without you. It may be a mean thing to say but from your post, that's the impression I get.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

confusewife said:


> She has Borderline disorder but is the sweetest person with me. Writes me poems, sends me music and other stuff. Our conversations sometimes turn sexual of course. So I know I need to get her off my system but when I leave her, I feel miserable. I can't do anything and cry in hiding a lot. I know I need to ended and I need to find the balls (forgive me the expression) to do that. thanks for listening all of you.


Holy moly lady, do you know anything about BPD? If you knew what you were in for, you would delete your account and erase from your memory all thoughts of this girl. You would drop to your knees and thank the man upstairs for pulling your azzz out of a crack. 

Read some of the post from men married to them. They start out super sweet you are the best person in the world right now, until you are not. They see in black and white, only; your either all good or all bad and you will eventually become all bad. 

They are treatment resistant and have little insight into their disorder. They do a number on people they are close to, they draw them in, just like this woman has done to you and then hammer them into a ball of wounded emotions. Good luck with that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say, CW, just another thought-are you even sure that the OW is really a W? A family friend who is a cop told us that recently, a detective nailed a 55 year old man who was trolling for young girls on the net by posing as a lesbian, and preying on their insecurities when they began to suspect lesbian or bisexual tendencies, and felt they had no one to talk to. Could this have been your OW?


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## confusewife (Sep 30, 2010)

F-102, yes she is a woman. We used to talk every day at least 3 times. 
I am trying to put all this behind but I do miss her. I am sad all the time but I hope it goes away. She hasn't contact me since last Sunday. This is the first time that she has kept away before we couldn't not talk for more than one day. One of us always gave in and call the other and now I think that she is gone...It really hurts that her last words to me on a phone message was that "I don't wish you well after what you have done to me".
thanks all for listening.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Wow, that was colder than the bottoms of a polar bear's feet. Sounds like she is trying to guilt you into coming back on your hands and knees. 
Incidentally, I am glad that you are sticking to your family, and I'm sorry that you miss her, it will hurt, just like losing a loved one-you will have to give yourself time to grieve.
Best of luck to you, and stay strong!


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