# Husband exploring dark bdsm with others while still married.



## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

Hi, first time here and completely nervous and overwhelmed! I have been with my husband for 10 years, we have two kids. Within the last year our sex life deteriorated due to the pressure to always have bdsm type sex and also his complete disinterest in having a good relationship with me. We decided to open the relationship up to him exploring the possibility of meeting people who were more into the bdsm lifestyle, knowing the risk would be the loss of a relationship between us. He was supposed to be honest and up front about meeting other people and I found out he wasn't. He had met and had sex with a few people and finally was able to find a partner to get into the really dark fantasies. 
We are still living under the same roof, as we have two young kids who need that stability. But, it is becoming more difficult as he goes off with his partner and leaves me to just pick up the slack. He doesn't want a divorce and thinks we could still have a relationship down the road. I'm feeling like this is just too much for our already unhealthy relationship. But, I'm also worried about my kids and what this may do to them. 

Help!!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I'm polyamorous, and have no problem with my wife having romantic and sexual relationships with other men so long as she makes sure to keep herself(and me by proxy) safe. 

That said, your husband sounds like an ass hole to me. I would suggest you find out how you can protect yourself financially. 

You went on a hell of a limb by allowing him to explore his fantasies with other people, but he couldn't even have the simple decency to be honest with you about his actions. 

I would not trust him if I were you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basicwitch888 said:


> Hi, first time here and completely nervous and overwhelmed! I have been with my husband for 10 years, we have two kids. Within the last year our sex life deteriorated due to the pressure to always have bdsm type sex and also his complete disinterest in having a good relationship with me. We decided to open the relationship up to him exploring the possibility of meeting people who were more into the bdsm lifestyle, knowing the risk would be the loss of a relationship between us. He was supposed to be honest and up front about meeting other people and I found out he wasn't. He had met and had sex with a few people and finally was able to find a partner to get into the really dark fantasies.
> We are still living under the same roof, as we have two young kids who need that stability. But, it is becoming more difficult as he goes off with his partner and leaves me to just pick up the slack. He doesn't want a divorce and thinks we could still have a relationship down the road. I'm feeling like this is just too much for our already unhealthy relationship. But, I'm also worried about my kids and what this may do to them.
> 
> Help!!


I understand your worries about your kids and what a divorce might do to them. But I think that the current situation will also harm them in many ways.

You need to decide for yourself what you want to do under the current circumstances. With the way he is behaving, you cannot expect him to take your needs for anything into consideration.

What is his work situation at this time during the shutdown? Is he going in to work?

How often is he going out to engage in his bdsm lifestyle? Has he been doing this during the lockdown?


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## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

Thank you for the reply. He is working from home during the lockdown. So, we're all together, for the most part, during the day. 
He goes out to meet with this other person once a week. It's usually for 6+ hours. He already asked if over night visits are ok. 
Also, yes. He has been going out the entire lockdown period.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he's putting you and your children at risk for this activity. Is he always just seeing one person or are there different people or groups of people? I'm just trying to get an idea of what the level of risk for exposure to COVID19. 

Do you now who this woman is that he's going out to see and any others that he goes out to see? If you do, what do you know about them? 

How do you think he would respond if you told him that you now want to engage in the open marriage experience and go out yourself?

Are you a SAHM (stay at home mom), or do you also have a job?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

have you engaged in the same open relationships? Is he ok with your doing the same thing? I think if you are not comfortable with this it is time to divorce and move on.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Don't let anyone tell you this is about BDSM and his "need" or distract you with poly stuff....

He is CHEATING on you. That is the issue, and it is wrong. Period.


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## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> So he's putting you and your children at risk for this activity. Is he always just seeing one person or are there different people or groups of people? I'm just trying to get an idea of what the level of risk for exposure to COVID19.
> 
> Do you now who this woman is that he's going out to see and any others that he goes out to see? If you do, what do you know about them?
> 
> ...


So, as far as I know it is now just the one person. I do know there has been at least one other that ended in sex. With an additional few meeting where it didn't lead to sex. I do not know the person at all. I do think it's risky behavior and one of the reasons I told him I would not be able to have a sexual relationship with him again. 

I do have a job at an elementary school. So, right now we're out and remote learning at this point. That definitely adds to the stress! 
I asked him what he would think about me with another person and he said maybe he would feel bad but, he'd get over it. 
I think he's just in a happy place getting everything he wants so he doesn't really care. He really lacks empathy and is an extremely selfish person. Always has been! I ended up getting pregnant very early on in our dating relationship and so, I didn't get the normal time to evaluate our compatibility.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basicwitch888 said:


> So, as far as I know it is now just the one person. I do know there has been at least one other that ended in sex. With an additional few meeting where it didn't lead to sex. I do not know the person at all. I do think it's risky behavior and one of the reasons I told him I would not be able to have a sexual relationship with him again.
> 
> I do have a job at an elementary school. So, right now we're out and remote learning at this point. That definitely adds to the stress!
> 
> ...


If I were in your shoes, at this point I'd file for divorce. As you said, he's a very selfish man. 

What you are thinking of doing going forward?


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## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

That's part of the dilemma! I work in a school so make not great money. We have a house and our girls school is close and we love the community we live in. I did convince him to go to couples counseling. Not to repair the relationship as it was, I'm just hoping he can find some empathy and try to work towards being a good parent. 

Maybe I'm just being hopeful. Ugh, it's just the worst. It's hard not to tie my self worth to the fact that he'd rather be doing something/ someone else.


secretsheriff said:


> Don't let anyone tell you this is about BDSM and his "need" or distract you with poly stuff....
> 
> He is CHEATING on you. That is the issue, and it is wrong. Period.


I know, that's exactly how I feel. He sees it differently and would definitely like to have it both ways. 


aine said:


> have you engaged in the same open relationships? Is he ok with your doing the same thing? I think if you are not comfortable with this it is time to divorce and move on.


I have not had a relationship with someone else. Part of me wants to just to get back at him but, honestly he probably wouldn't even care. So, I'd rather just work on myself and feeling worthy of a good relationship at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basicwitch888 said:


> That's part of the dilemma! I work in a school so make not great money. We have a house and our girls school is close and we love the community we live in. I did convince him to go to couples counseling. Not to repair the relationship as it was, I'm just hoping he can find some empathy and try to work towards being a good parent.


I think that marriage counseling is a good idea whether you stay married to him or not. You might also want to get some individual counseling to work through all this from your own perspective. Put a time limit on this. For example in 3 months evaluate how things are going. If there is not significant improvement then you will know that there will not really be any. If there is significant improvement, then give it another 3 months and reevaluate, again.

You need to come up with your own goals and milestones so that you have something to evaluate progress (or lack thereof) against.

One thing I think you need to do is to increase your own feeling of self worth. You don't seem to have low self esteem. However, I'm getting the impression that you feel that you do not have much power in your relationship. This is part of what is allowing him to basically disrespect you.

Is there anything you can do to increase your income?

There is a good chance that he thinks he can get away with what he's doing because you are financially dependent on him. Making the playing field more even financially could be one way to help you get more say in all that is going on.

Also, keep in mind that if you file for divorce, you would get interim spousal support (alimony) during the time of the divorce is in progress. You will also get child support. After the divorce is done, you should be able to get at least rehabilitative alimony for a few years while you work on getting yourself into a better situation financially. You will also get child support.

Does your husband do his fair share of responsibility for the children? How about around the house?

Do you ever leave him to care for the children while you go out with friends or even to do things by yourself that you enjoy?

What sort of things are you doing these days for yourself?


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## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I think that marriage counseling is a good idea whether you stay married to him or not. You might also want to get some individual counseling to work through all this from your own perspective. Put a time limit on this. For example in 3 months evaluate how things are going. If there is not significant improvement then you will know that there will not really be any. If there is significant improvement, then give it another 3 months and reevaluate, again.
> 
> You need to come up with your own goals and milestones so that you have something to evaluate progress (or lack thereof) against.
> 
> ...


Very good advice with regard to the timeline for significant change. I think I would probably slip back into 'just sucking it up' and that is extremely unhealthy. This is something I am working on, communicating what I need. I started with a therapist 2 weeks ago to work on these issues. It has been really nice to get all of my feelings out. After having 2 kids and basically raising them alone, I concentrated on them and my job. So, I haven't found really close friends. That is something I'm also working on. Meeting people, especially those in the same situation (or similar) as I am. 

He has been a complete absent father. Partly because he had basically a panic response when our first daughter was born. He didn't even hold her for 10 months of her life. Only wanting to interact when she was able to be more fun. It has gotten better as they are older now but, he still does not have a very big part in their care. He gets frustrated any time they are acting any way he thinks is annoying. (Just acting like kids). He only takes care of them if I have to go into work with the school. My therapist mentioned I need to start leaving them more and exploring other interests. It's just hard because I'm not sure he'll be kind to them. I'm also getting back into figuring out my own hobbies and such. I have basically been Mom for the last 10 years and that has been my hobby. Sad, I know!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My question would be: why do you tolerate this?

Most people wouldnt. You are worth more than this. His behaviour is outrageous full of conceit.

He should be single sowing his oats.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basicwitch888 said:


> Very good advice with regard to the timeline for significant change. I think I would probably slip back into 'just sucking it up' and that is extremely unhealthy. This is something I am working on, communicating what I need. I started with a therapist 2 weeks ago to work on these issues. It has been really nice to get all of my feelings out. After having 2 kids and basically raising them alone, I concentrated on them and my job. So, I haven't found really close friends. That is something I'm also working on. Meeting people, especially those in the same situation (or similar) as I am.
> 
> He has been a complete absent father. Partly because he had basically a panic response when our first daughter was born. He didn't even hold her for 10 months of her life. Only wanting to interact when she was able to be more fun. It has gotten better as they are older now but, he still does not have a very big part in their care. He gets frustrated any time they are acting any way he thinks is annoying. (Just acting like kids). He only takes care of them if I have to go into work with the school. My therapist mentioned I need to start leaving them more and exploring other interests. It's just hard because I'm not sure he'll be kind to them. I'm also getting back into figuring out my own hobbies and such. I have basically been Mom for the last 10 years and that has been my hobby. Sad, I know!


With your husband not helping with the children, I can understand why you have been focusing on the children. It's all left to you.

One thing you might take a look at is the website meetup.com. It's a site where people posts things that are going on. With the shutdown going on, there might not be many meetups going on, but you could at least get an idea of things that are out there for when your state opens up again. There are meetups for all sorts of things. Play meetups where mothers and children go.. the mom's socialize and the children socialize with each other. There are hobby meetups, etc. For example here where I live I've gone to meetups for people who get together walk along the river, or in the mountains, etc. There are meetups for gardening, art, quilting, knitting, book clubs, nature walking, white water rafting, etc. Basically with hundreds of meetup, there's always something. The idea is to meet people who like doing what you like doing.


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## Basicwitch888 (May 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> With your husband not helping with the children, I can understand why you have been focusing on the children. It's all left to you.
> 
> One thing you might take a look at is the website meetup.com. It's a site where people posts things that are going on. With the shutdown going on, there might not be many meetups going on, but you could at least get an idea of things that are out there for when your state opens up again. There are meetups for all sorts of things. Play meetups where mothers and children go.. the mom's socialize and the children socialize with each other. There are hobby meetups, etc. For example here where I live I've gone to meetups for people who get together walk along the river, or in the mountains, etc. There are meetups for gardening, art, quilting, knitting, book clubs, nature walking, white water rafting, etc. Basically with hundreds of meetup, there's always something. The idea is to meet people who like doing what you like doing.


Yes, thank you! I've been looking at meetup this morning. I am hopeful I can find something that will work. I guess part of me was just looking for a way to find others who have been through similar and just to make sure I'm not crazy in thinking this is totally messed up!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Basicwitch888 said:


> Yes, thank you! I've been looking at meetup this morning. I am hopeful I can find something that will work. I guess part of me was just looking for a way to find others who have been through similar and just to make sure I'm not crazy in thinking this is totally messed up!


Oh, you are not crazy. You situation is totally messed up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Basicwitch888 said:


> That's part of the dilemma! I work in a school so make not great money. We have a house and our girls school is close and we love the community we live in. I did convince him to go to couples counseling. Not to repair the relationship as it was, I'm just hoping he can find some empathy and try to work towards being a good parent.
> 
> Maybe I'm just being hopeful. Ugh, it's just the worst. It's hard not to tie my self worth to the fact that he'd rather be doing something/ someone else.
> 
> ...


He‘s put you in an untenable position. Go see a lawyer to see what your options are. Start doing 180 on him. Tell your family what he’s doing. This is cheating quite simply. Why would you accept this arrangement?


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