# The ex-wife



## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

Update on post #76...




-Hubby has an ex-wife, whom he was married to for 5 years.
-Divorced 12 years ago.
-Has two teenage kids with ex-wife.
-They lost one child at birth, led to divorce. 
-We have been together for 10 years, married for 6 years. 
-Ex-wife’s second husband died 5 months ago. 
-Hubby and I are early 40’s, ex-wife is mid-30’s. 

I haven’t had many concerns in the past regarding my hubby and his ex-wife. Their romantic relationship was long over and they kept contact only regarding their kids. Their co-parenting relationship has improved over the years and they are friendly with each other. They meet a few times a year for coffee, talk about the kids when needed but otherwise don’t have contact - that I’m aware of and excluding recently. 

When ex-wife’s husband died we did what we could to help her from a distance, i.e. having their boys more often to give her space and time, sent the boys home with groceries, reminded them to help around the house. We otherwise stayed out of it. For a couple months she was nearly non-existent on the planet, then she turned into a complete ***** towards my husband and I - which is how she has remained for the past 3 months. 

For the last week my husband has seen her daily, he says just for a few minutes or a coffee. Last night she was at our house when I got home. They were sitting on our couch and she was leaning on him ASLEEP. My hubby was awake and said she had been sleeping for “about an hour”, he didn’t want to wake her because she hasn’t been sleeping, and she “just needed someone to talk to”. 

Prior to this past week we didn’t know much about why her husband died. Now my husband knows numerous details about what happened. 

Her husband died, that doesn’t give her rights to mine. To be fair to my hubby, he’s a really good, caring guy. His ex-wife has no family, no friends. She keeps to herself and apparently always has. So she leaned on my husband (literally), who shouldn’t have allowed it. 

My husband apologized, said he crossed a boundary and shouldn’t have let it happen. She had no need to be in our house, and he had no need to comfort her. However it’s still bothering me. They have clearly been in communication more, with his new knowledge and self-admission. He has said before that he regrets how their marriage ended. They lost a child and fell apart, says he should have tried harder and longer. And of course the cliche, his ex-wife is younger, hotter and has a better body. My hubby has mentioned a few times in the last couple months that we should both lose some weight, eat better, exercise more. The sudden change in her wishing we were dead to falling asleep crying on my husband is suspicious. My hubby is keeping the recent conversations he’s had with his ex-wife private, which is unlike him. When I prodded he confirmed that they had talked about the child they lost, which is going to far. He also deleted their text conversation, he never deletes any. 

I’m upset, stressed and don’t know what to do right now. I’m not going to sit around and be the wife that gets cheated on and lets it slip under the rug. Maybe it's not quite ready for the "infidelity section" yet, but I don't want to allow it to get there either.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tell him his exWife's feeling aren't his problem or concern. Tell him that, if he believes in doing everything possible to save a marriage, he needs to cut her off to save yours. If he's unwilling to do that, you'll have to decide if you can live with it or want to divorce. I am not without sympathy for what she is going through, but there are grief groups, churches, and many other ways she can find comfort that don't include getting cuddled on the sofa by your husband.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what happen in her life is tragic, and on some level she is holding to what she knows, that includes your husband...the fact he is a nice guy makes leaning on him that much easier...i think this is where you need to step in woman to woman and remind her that as sad as her loss has been, it does not mean she can go after your husband....he will not say anything because this is the mother of his children, he has no back bone when it comes to her...this is your place to say something with out the kids or husband being there. Invite for coffee and tell her that you want to help but the help stops at your husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be the Lioness...

Get her away from your Pride.

Your' pride and joy.
...................................................................

Be ruthless....

But nice when your' husband is within earshot.

...................................................................

AND lose weight and spruce yourself up. Be a better lover.

Nasty, this thing, Competitiveness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That said...

It may be too late.

Arggh!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

emmeline said:


> -Hubby has an ex-wife, whom he was married to for 5 years.
> 
> For the last week my husband has seen her daily, he says just for a few minutes or a coffee. Last night she was at our house when I got home. They were sitting on our couch and she was leaning on him ASLEEP. My hubby was awake and said she had been sleeping for “about an hour”, he didn’t want to wake her because she hasn’t been sleeping, and she “just needed someone to talk to”.
> 
> ...


OP, this is especially troubling: "He has said before that he regrets how their marriage ended. They lost a child and feel apart, says he should have tried harder and longer". Do you have children with him? If you do, your situation can be complicated.

Your problem is not with the ex-wife. It is with your husband. He has let her in his life willingly by hiding his communications to her from you. He is spending time daily with her. Sit him down and have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Demand transparency on everything. He should have been transparent in the first place. Meanwhile, be ready for him to return to his ex-wife. Get in shape, mentally & physically. You are still young, as you are only in your 40s. I am 59 years old. I'm very sorry you are here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You come home and she's asleep on his shoulder? 

Thats BS. You are a fool if you don't throw a fit and tell him how it's going to be or he can have her. Be willing to lose him. Show him you're willing to lose him. 
Stop putting up with your freaking husband dating his ex wife. That's what is happening if he's deleting texts. Plain and simple.

You have a right to be angry.
You have a right to demand that it stops.
You have a right to access to all his communications because he's being secretive and bringing an ex back into his life.

Go postal on him. Nuclear postal. He's about to have an affair.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He's about to have an affair.


Yep... I would agree the seed is being planted.

He knows all these things he should do... and should not do.

Compassion without boundaries is a dangerous segue as we move through emotions... letting her's park with him is creating her other parking in your house, couch, and his shoulder... all a ticket-able offense

She is working him and he is letting her... this is how plans A and B can start.

It is hoped he can let go of the ego stroking and realize there is not room for more than two in a marriage.

The toll is already being collected...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not understanding this. First you said that over the years your H and his X had become friendly. Yet later on you said she suddenly went from wanting you both dead to falling asleep on his shoulder. You also said something about the cliché of the ex wife being younger, hotter etc. What cliché is that? Most people when making a trade, trade up, not down. So to me this sounds like you are the one with the issue. 
While I do recommend that you and your H have a talk, I believe that you need to do a little soul searching and think about whether or you might be making a bigger deal out of a temporary situation than you should. It appears as though you are creating a scene to match your fears, rather than dealing with what is actually taking place.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

Tell your husband that if he doesn't go NC with his ex that you will be filing for D. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I am not understanding this. First you said that over the years your H and his X had become friendly. Yet later on you said she suddenly went from wanting you both dead to falling asleep on his shoulder. You also said something about the cliché of the ex wife being younger, hotter etc. What cliché is that? Most people when making a trade, trade up, not down. So to me this sounds like you are the one with the issue.
> While I do recommend that you and your H have a talk, I believe that you need to do a little soul searching and think about whether or you might be making a bigger deal out of a temporary situation than you should. It appears as though you are creating a scene to match your fears, rather than dealing with what is actually taking place.


Really? Spending time regularly with an ex spouse, going for coffee, falling asleep on each other, texting and deleting the texts, none of that is a big deal to you??


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I am not understanding this. First you said that over the years your H and his X had become friendly. Yet later on you said she suddenly went from wanting you both dead to falling asleep on his shoulder. You also said something about the cliché of the ex wife being younger, hotter etc. What cliché is that? Most people when making a trade, trade up, not down. So to me this sounds like you are the one with the issue.
> While I do recommend that you and your H have a talk, I believe that you need to do a little soul searching and think about whether or you might be making a bigger deal out of a temporary situation than you should. It appears as though you are creating a scene to match your fears, rather than dealing with what is actually taking place.


She is not making a big deal out of anything, I would not tolerate my H's ex sleeping on his shoulder in my home and him deleted messages.

To the OP, you need to put your foot down to your H and his ex.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I'm not sure I buy this scenario.

But if it is legitimate, the nuclear option is the only way to proceed.

To the OP: your husband has to know that it's you or her.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Lostme said:


> She is not making a big deal out of anything, I would not tolerate my H's ex sleeping on his shoulder in my home and him deleted messages.
> 
> To the OP, you need to put your foot down to your H and his ex.


Read her post - they helped her, she is still struggling, but now she is convincing herself (along with all of you) that this woman is moving in on her man. Perhaps the X did cross a boundary, perhaps the H allowed it to happen. I would think if the H was really guilty of anything (other than being a nice guy) he would have attempted to wake his X, so his wife wouldn't see her sleeping on his shoulder, not allowed her into the house in the first place, etc etc. I know that some of you see a cheater in every wrong move, but sometimes that is not the case and the OP should at least take some time to consider if she may have just made too much out of something small. So far all I see is a nice guy who is about to get burned.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Really? Spending time regularly with an ex spouse, going for coffee, falling asleep on each other, texting and deleting the texts, none of that is a big deal to you??


So far all we have seen is a man helping his ex thru a bad time in her life - with the expressed consent and assistance of his current wife. Perhaps he misread how far his assistance was allowed to go, but I would think if they as a couple took the X's kids in, fed them, bought groceries for the family etc, that he may have felt it was OK for him to talk to his X. 
Also there was no mention of them falling asleep on each other. His ex fell asleep on him, which if you have ever been thru trauma is not an unheard of thing. Texting and deleting texts - the OP has admitted that her H learned of some details that perhaps his X did not want shared with anyone else - including his current wife. And given her apparent jealousy issues, I don't think anyone could blame him.
So, no, so far given what the OP has said, (first they had grown into friends but later she wanted them both dead as well as her apparent jealousy) I do not think anything rises to the level of a full blow nuclear option. It sounds more like the OP has some boundaries which she neglected to talk to her H about and is now having some regrets.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Far too much emotional involvement with his ex. Even if his intentions were as pure as YNOT suggests, it would be idiotic for the OP to let this continue.
She is not an over-jealous fruit. She allowed all kinds of support for her husband to help his ex. Too much, I think.
That's not what a jealous woman does.

Getting upset because she comes in and finds her husband's ex wife asleep on his shoulder on the couch in her house?????????

I hope she isn't stupid enough to let this "support" continue. I assure you the ex won't be nearly as supportive as theOP when she takes her ex husband from his current wife.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Far too much emotional involvement with his ex. Even if his intentions were as pure as YNOT suggests, it would be idiotic for the OP to let this continue.
> She is not an over-jealous fruit. She allowed all kinds of support for her husband to help his ex. Too much, I think.
> That's not what a jealous woman does.
> 
> ...


No one has suggested she allow it to continue, but perhaps she might have been more clear with her H about boundaries. Because as I said it appears as though he crossed on of hers that he had no idea existed. THAT is where the jealousy comes into play.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ynot said:


> No one has suggested she allow it to continue, but perhaps she might have been more clear with her H about boundaries. Because as I said it appears as though he crossed on of hers that he had no idea existed. THAT is where the jealousy comes into play.


YNOT, letting the ex wife come in with his wife not there and fall asleep on his shoulder, and deleting texts between them is not a boundary a normal married man would wonder about. He knew it was wrong and continued anyway.

Or do you still disagree that he shouldn't have known those things were wrong?

I feel you're minimizing his behavior.
For what reason I don't know.

I personally don't think she is jealous enough.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

When a wife steps up to the plate to protect her interest, it lets her husband know two things:

1. She has enough interest in him to guard from intrusion and erosion. 

2. Shows she's on to the game and she ain't taking no bullshyt.

Two of the things in life that are true are, its probably going to rain somewhere in the next couple of days, and a lot of men are going to a least think about slipping off for a little poon tang if a chick offers to put it on them.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Helping her through a tough time after her husband died was kind.

But that time is over and she needs to find support in people other than ex's.

It was inappropriate for her to come into your home without your consent.

It was inappropriate for your husband to play pillow.

It was inappropriate for him to delete evidence of their communication without letting you see it (a guilty person does that). 

The end.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your husband is acting very inappropriately and dangerously. Going to see her everyday and then inviting her to your home when you are out is wrong. Cuddling up on the sofa is madness. 
It seems she has made no effort in the past to make any friends, and so now knows she will be alone unless she has your husband. If the children are teenagers there is really no need for any contact at all. They are quite old enough to make their own arrangements with seeing their dad. 
Also this hiding messages shows clearly that he is saying things that are wrong. Otherwise why hide them?

If she needs support there are grief counsellors, and once she has recovered more she will need to make her own life and make friends. 

I think that you need to be strong and make it clear what is and isn't acceptable. If you dont you may loose him. He is not keeping healthy boundaries with her at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Inappropriate. She's an X. There's no justification or excuse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She needs grief counselling from a professional. Not your husband.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> YNOT, letting the ex wife come in with his wife not there and fall asleep on his shoulder, and deleting texts between them is not a boundary a normal married man would wonder about. He knew it was wrong and continued anyway.
> 
> Or do you still disagree that he shouldn't have known those things were wrong?
> 
> ...


I am not minimizing his behaviors, however, I am saying the OP bears some blame in that she expressed concern for his ex by buying groceries, feeding her kids, taking them in. For all we know her H may have simply considered that his W considered the X as a mutual friend and he invited her into the house as he would have done for any other one of his W's friends. As I said, it seems to me that the OP had failed to communicate her boundaries before hand and was now having issues that he didn't abide by something he may not have considered to even be crossing a line. All I have said is that the OP would be wise to consider that before making things worse by following the advice of many here to go nuclear. That is the recipe for disaster.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wonder if OP will come back?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I am not minimizing his behaviors, however, I am saying the OP bears some blame in that she expressed concern for his ex by buying groceries, feeding her kids, taking them in. For all we know her H may have simply considered that his W considered the X as a mutual friend and he invited her into the house as he would have done for any other one of his W's friends. As I said, it seems to me that the OP had failed to communicate her boundaries before hand and was now having issues that he didn't abide by something he may not have considered to even be crossing a line. All I have said is that the OP would be wise to consider that before making things worse by following the advice of many here to go nuclear. That is the recipe for disaster.


Looking after his children a bit more is hardly the same as inviting her into your home and sitting together on the sofa.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Yep... I would agree the seed is being planted.
> 
> He knows all these things he should do... and should not do.
> 
> ...


My husband's first slippery step in his EA (which led to him wanting to marry OW) was when he had compassion for her sob story. She hooked the KISA in him. It quickly moved from there...I mean quick... within 2 weeks he thought he was in love and she was planning their wedding!

Your H has to get boundaries with his EW. She should not be laying her head on his shoulder....ever; much less falling asleep in his arms!! He let her lay on him for an hour??? Don't believe a word he says from that day forward. Trust your eyes and your gut!!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Looking after his children a bit more is hardly the same as inviting her into your home and sitting together on the sofa.


Especially if they were alone! I mean everyone knows that temptation must be squashed before it is allowed to rear its ugly head. They probably screwed like rabbits on that couch and were just catching their breath when his W came home. Or was this another thing that God said? So much for Christian compassion.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Never mind the sexual drive of a just widowed woman is generally negative infinity... 

And I thought I'm judgemental


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Especially if they were alone! I mean everyone knows that temptation must be squashed before it is allowed to rear its ugly head. They probably screwed like rabbits on that couch and were just catching their breath when his W came home. Or was this another thing that God said? So much for Christian compassion.


A husband who lacks boundaries by having intimate conversation with his ex and lets her cuddle next to him in his own home is uncompassionate towards his wife. Never mind his deleted texts.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rick Blaine said:


> A husband who lacks boundaries by having intimate conversation with his ex and lets her cuddle next to him in his own home is uncompassionate towards his wife. Never mind his deleted texts.


So now private has become intimate and falling asleep has become cuddling? Maybe the OP should send the X a threatening text?


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

My hubby says that he knows he crossed boundaries, didn’t realize it at the time, and has apologized for it numerous times. He has agreed to immediately cut off contact with her as much as possible. They don’t need to talk much regarding their teenaged kids, so unless it involves an issue with the kids there is no need for contact. My hubby texted the ex and told her to back off and that he doesn’t want contact with her that doesn’t involve their kids. He texted her in front of me. So why don’t I believe him? Am I really just creating paranoia for myself? He didn’t fight with me much about stopping contact. 

My hubby is saying that he deleted their entire text conversation (not just select texts) because she told him some private things recently that I didn’t need to know. He has never hid his phone or conversations from me. I’m not buying it. Why not just delete specific texts if he was going to at all? He said he didn’t have the time or desire and chose to delete them all. Or my thought, maybe he didn’t want to risk missing anything. 

Hubby would be pissed off if I said anything “rude”, “mean”, protective, to his ex, regarding telling her to back off. 

I was ok with my hubby helping his ex out to a degree. It was all help from the background, the sidelines. The help was more for their kids than the ex. I’m not a *****, I have a heart. I couldn’t imagine losing my husband. I allowed us to help from the sidelines. That doesn’t mean she gets a do-over with my husband. If I had known she was going to cozy up to my husband and try and steal or manipulate my husband I would not have given her any help. 

The help was for my husbands kids. Not for the ex to try for a do-over and manipulate my husband. I'm not some immature, jealous woman who doesn't want my hubby to ever have contact with another woman. I'm all for helping people who need it, not those who 'abuse the system' though.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

emmeline said:


> My hubby says that he knows he crossed boundaries, didn’t realize it at the time, and has apologized for it numerous times. He has agreed to immediately cut off contact with her as much as possible. They don’t need to talk much regarding their teenaged kids, so unless it involves an issue with the kids there is no need for contact. My hubby texted the ex and told her to back off and that he doesn’t want contact with her that doesn’t involve their kids. He texted her in front of me. So why don’t I believe him? Am I really just creating paranoia for myself? He didn’t fight with me much about stopping contact.
> 
> My hubby is saying that he deleted their entire text conversation (not just select texts) because she told him some private things recently that I didn’t need to know. He has never hid his phone or conversations from me. I’m not buying it. Why not just delete specific texts if he was going to at all? He said he didn’t have the time or desire and chose to delete them all. Or my thought, maybe he didn’t want to risk missing anything.
> 
> ...


Good for you for having him text her in front of you. You are wise and prudent to be watchful and angry. He cannot explain away the deleted text messages. That is BS. Your husband sounds like a good guy and it is very good that he apologized and acknowledged crossing the line, but he needs accountability moving forward to ensure your safety. 

From this point forward keep tabs on your husband's phone usage. I would check it once in awhile. Be discreet in your vigilance. If she comes around again tell her to stay away from your husband. Mark your territory!


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Ynot said:


> So now private has become intimate and falling asleep has become cuddling? Maybe the OP should send the X a threatening text?


Lol, troll. No, she should not text the ex. She should confront her in person and nip this in the bud if she comes around again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Especially if they were alone! I mean everyone knows that temptation must be squashed before it is allowed to rear its ugly head. They probably screwed like rabbits on that couch and were just catching their breath when his W came home. Or was this another thing that God said? So much for Christian compassion.


Compassion has to go along with common sense and sensible boundaries. He is a married man, she is not his wife. For example, if a female is in need in the church, only a church leader with no common sense at all will try and meet her needs himself. A sensible one will direct her to his wife or another lady, or to a counsellor. Too many affairs begin with an opposite sex person getting too close. 
Adultery is a serious thing and there is danger here of that happening if he carries on. She is very needy, apparently has no friends(which as the mother of 2 teenage children is very hard to believe), and he feels guilty. 
Many of us here have seen how this sort of things pans out.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Compassion has to go along with common sense and sensible boundaries. He is a married man, she is not his wife. For example, if a female is in need in the church, only a church leader with no common sense at all will try and meet her needs himself. A sensible one will direct her to his wife or another lady, or to a counsellor. Too many affairs begin with an opposite sex person getting too close.
> Adultery is a serious thing and there is danger here of that happening if he carries on. She is very needy, apparently has no friends(which as the mother of 2 teenage children is very hard to believe), and he feels guilty.
> Many of us here have seen how this sort of things pans out.


Of course, the sexes must be separated lest temptation take hold. Do you think all women should wear burqas so that men are less tempted? He is a married man, whose wife had apparently accepted into their life. As I said his W apparently had a boundary which he crossed, but she had failed to communicate this with him. Here is an update for you, EVERY affair happens because people get to close. Yet we see no evidence that anything other than a private conversation has taken place (which - NEWS FLASH! - happens all the time). The W has created a scenario in her mind based on her regrets (since when is there a cliché that the X is younger and hotter?). The OP should consider how much of this is inflated in her mind and then have a conversation with her H. She should not apply your particular brand of Sharia law.
Again so much for that vaunted Christian compassion


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

emmeline said:


> My hubby says that he knows he crossed boundaries, didn’t realize it at the time, and has apologized for it numerous times. He has agreed to immediately cut off contact with her as much as possible. They don’t need to talk much regarding their teenaged kids, so unless it involves an issue with the kids there is no need for contact. My hubby texted the ex and told her to back off and that he doesn’t want contact with her that doesn’t involve their kids. He texted her in front of me. So why don’t I believe him? Am I really just creating paranoia for myself? He didn’t fight with me much about stopping contact.
> 
> My hubby is saying that he deleted their entire text conversation (not just select texts) because she told him some private things recently that I didn’t need to know. He has never hid his phone or conversations from me. I’m not buying it. Why not just delete specific texts if he was going to at all? He said he didn’t have the time or desire and chose to delete them all. Or my thought, maybe he didn’t want to risk missing anything.
> 
> ...


And I hope that you communicated all of this to him in your conversation. Because your tact will be far more successful than the nuclear option proposed by many here. Your H may have mistakenly assumed your support and compassion extended further than you intended. I think when he did so and crossed your boundary line you were right to get upset. Hopefully this conversation clears things up between the two of you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rick Blaine said:


> Lol, troll. No, she should not text the ex. She should confront her in person and nip this in the bud if she comes around again.


Actually the person she needs to have a conversation with is her H. Again, conversation NOT confrontation. 99 times out a 100 a knee jerk reaction is the wrong reaction.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Of course, the sexes must be separated lest temptation take hold. Do you think all women should wear burqas so that men are less tempted? He is a married man, whose wife had apparently accepted into their life. As I said his W apparently had a boundary which he crossed, but she had failed to communicate this with him. Here is an update for you, EVERY affair happens because people get to close. Yet we see no evidence that anything other than a private conversation has taken place (which - NEWS FLASH! - happens all the time). The W has created a scenario in her mind based on her regrets (since when is there a cliché that the X is younger and hotter?). The OP should consider how much of this is inflated in her mind and then have a conversation with her H. She should not apply your particular brand of Sharia law.
> Again so much for that vaunted Christian compassion


Compassion and protecting your marriage by having good sensible boundaries are both important. 
Where did I say that men and women should be kept separate or that women should wear burkas? Those comments are just plan stupid. I have seen far too many marriages destroyed because a married person has got too close to another person, often in the guise of 'helping' them. If you haven't then you are lucky. 
I would never ever act that way with my ex, and risk my marriage or disrespect my husband in that way. Nor would my husband with his ex. Once you have divorced the marriage is over and both partners need to move on and stay apart. 

You are against the majority here and if you are talking about compassion, where was his compassion for his own wife? She must comes first before another woman.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

emmeline said:


> *My hubby is saying that he deleted their entire text conversation (not just select texts) because she told him some private things recently that I didn’t need to know.* He has never hid his phone or conversations from me. I’m not buying it. Why not just delete specific texts if he was going to at all? He said he didn’t have the time or desire and chose to delete them all. Or my thought, maybe he didn’t want to risk missing anything.


Translation: Her need for privacy is more important to him than your need for security in your marriage.



emmeline said:


> Hubby would be pissed off if I said anything “rude”, “mean”, protective, to his ex, regarding telling her to back off.


So who's feelings are more important to him?

Monitor his phone bill.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Compassion and protecting your marriage by having good sensible boundaries are both important.
> Where did I say that men and women should be kept separate or that women should wear burkas? Those comments are just plan stupid. I have seen far too many marriages destroyed because a married person has got too close to another person, often in the guise of 'helping' them. If you haven't then you are lucky.
> I would never ever act that way with my ex, and risk my marriage or disrespect my husband in that way. Nor would my husband with his ex. Once you have divorced the marriage is over and both partners need to move on and stay apart.
> 
> You are against the majority here and if you are talking about compassion, where was his compassion for his own wife? She must comes first before another woman.


For one, I couldn't care any less if I am against the majority here. IMO, the majority is wrong here and some, including yourself have given the OP very bad advice - to go nuclear. If you had the ability to comprehend what the OP wrote, you might understand, that the OP had some unspoken boundaries, which were crossed and now need addressed. Rather than jumping to the conclusion that her H is either already cheating or planning on cheating, you might want to consider the fact that had he wanted to cheat, he probably could have just gone to her place. No need to risk being caught by doing the horizontal bop on the couch in his own living room where his wife would probably catch them, now is there?
For two, I never said you said anything. I asked you a question. But feel free to conflate that with me saying you said something. After all that is how you justify most of your posts.
Finally, if you bothered to actually read and attempt to understand even one of my posts, you would see that "boundaries" have been mentioned in practically every one of them. Perhaps your H has the ability to mind read, but that wasn't the case here. It seems as though the OP had some idea that limited her assistance to the X but failed to communicate them. Rather projecting and getting all judgmental perhaps you could learn to apply some of that Christian compassion and understanding.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> Translation: Her need for privacy is more important to him than your need for security in your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


^This^ 
If he contacts her again ask to see the text(if it was text) or what he said. He can easily contact her again and tell her the NC was your idea and he didn't really mean it. 
Just keep your radar up and hope he is genuine.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here's the thing:

He deleted messages and was found on the couch alone in the house with his ex sleeping on his shoulder. Not naked, not breathing heavily-- but ALONE in the house in an intimate situation.

He has broken HUGE boundaries of the marriage. If it's as the husband described, not necessarily a big deal. But since he DELETED the messages, how can she trust him? I damn sure wouldn't trust my SO if I found another dude sleeping on her shoulder on the couch.

Nuclear? Well, he admitted to violating boundaries. If she gives no consequences, who is to say there's an incentive to stop violating them.

I would now silently start checking phone bills and cell phones for at least a few months to see if this brewing emotional affair has been quelled, or still ongoing.

I admit I'm no longer very trustworthy in a person's character. I'm more of a realist now, although I was in the past somewhat also.
If there's smoke, there is usually fire. And the OP has been receiving a hell of a lot of smoke. Her husband may seem contrite and cooperative now. But, he broke boundaries. No pretending he didn't know better. He did. He admitted breaking them. When a spouse starts breaking boundaries with an EX? I think that is definitely time to start dishing out some consequences.

Divorce? Of course not..... Maybe leave some divorce papers laying around and disappear for a few days. Maybe.

Monitor??? Oh heck yes. She should monitor. IF, and it may just be an if, he is starting an emotional affair--- OP needs to nip that crap. One doesn't break boundaries for no reason. The OP's husband CLEARLY has still got a lot of emotion associated with this woman. That alone is reason to question the relationship of the husband and his ex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Here's the thing:
> 
> He deleted messages and was found on the couch alone in the house with his ex sleeping on his shoulder. Not naked, not breathing heavily-- but ALONE in the house in an intimate situation.
> 
> ...


Agreed, and its madness to suggest that he didn't know any better, what is he 15? How would he feel if you (the op) were sat on the sofa with another men asleep on your shoulder when he came home? 
This sort of reminds me of what happened after 9/11. Each wife who lost their firemen husband was allocated another firemen to offer help and support.Guess what, several of these men ended up leaving their wives and children for the widowed women. It was a mad suggestion, far better if another wife was allocated to look out for them, not a married man.


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## arobk (Mar 17, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> ^This^
> If he contacts her again ask to see the text(if it was text) or what he said. He can easily contact her again and tell her the NC was your idea and he didn't really mean it.
> Just keep your radar up and hope he is genuine.


Of course they are going to have contact again. They have kids to talk about even if that's all they talk about.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Emmeline, I think your reaction to the situation is totally understandable. Your husband definitely crossed some very important boundaries. Because of that, some trust has been lost and he will have to earn it back. He needs to provide full transparency and any further contact with her should be done in front of you. For awhile you should watch and verify, but don't get carried away with your emotions, that you drive him away from you.

Here is where you may need some empathy and some understanding for your husband. Their talk may have provided some deep emotional cleansing and closure to his wounds from the tragic loss of a baby and a marriage. But that may leave him raw and vulnerable for awhile, while he processed it.

i would try hard to help him feel safe enough with you to share his emotions and feelings about that aspect. Lovingly draw him emotionally back to you. You don't need to know her personal stuff, but you do need to know his personal stuff. If you can share this experience with him, which has probably dredged up tons of buried emotions, I think it will draw you closer together, and help him find the closure he needs and to get back on track with your marriage. 

You can have empathy and compassion for both of them while still insisting on appropriate boundaries for the protection of your marriage. Don't let jealousy and insecurity rule your behaviors. However do be smart and careful. Their talks probably have created some emotional intimacy, and resurfaced some unresolved shared feelings of grief and love from the past. You can help him work through those feelings and help him close that chapter of his life for good in a healthy way. Get some professional help to do this with him if you need to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arobk said:


> Of course they are going to have contact again. They have kids to talk about even if that's all they talk about.


Once the kids are teenagers there is very little need for contact between the parents. When I met my husband their youngest was 17 and there was no need for any contact between he and his ex and 12 years later there hasn't been. The only time they may need to meet is at their younger sons wedding if he ever meets anyone, their older son married the other side of the world where he lives and didn't have any guests.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> *I'm not sure I buy this scenario.*
> 
> But if it is legitimate, the nuclear option is the only way to proceed.
> 
> To the OP: your husband has to know that it's you or her.


Brazen is it?

Brazen it be.

A maybe to me?

If true-
A lead anchor. Around her thin neck.
Dear sweet OP, she cannot swim, she cannot hold up her own weight.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*His allegiance is to his current wife and family!

And certainly not to his former one!*


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately you have been fed a whole lot of crap. Give your husband some realities and real time consequences if he does not end this charade immediately.

Install a VAR in his car. You will have all the answers you need within 72 hours.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Once the kids are teenagers there is very little need for contact between the parents. When I met my husband their youngest was 17 and there was no need for any contact between he and his ex and 12 years later there hasn't been. The only time they may need to meet is at their younger sons wedding if he ever meets anyone, their older son married the other side of the world where he lives and didn't have any guests.


Yup, I don't speak to my ex. We have teenage children. It works out fine.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

how would he like it if you had some couch time with another man?

He would be livid.

and you can recover those deleted texts.

Get the entire truth.

and Your H could pay for a polly.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

Ban her from the house


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I think people are being a bit inconsiderate. She just lost her husband, she's the mother of his children, also his children's step father. It's not surprising that the communication would increase. 
The deleting texts and head on shoulder, visit at home while wife is out, all these are huge nonnegotiables. He's in the wrong even if it is innocent. Talk to him, make it clear.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

I got the phone records for my husbands phone today. In the past 60 days he has called her 32 times. A phone record from a year ago, he called her 4 times in 60 days. He has called her 5 times since saying he wouldn't contact her again unless it was absolutely for their kids. No one has been hospitalized, dead or arrested = no need to call. He has been gone for the weekend and I haven't confronted him yet. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. If he has been ****ing her I'm going to metaphorically kill him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

emmeline said:


> I got the phone records for my husbands phone today. In the past 60 days he has called her 32 times. A phone record from a year ago, he called her 4 times in 60 days. He has called her 5 times since saying he wouldn't contact her again unless it was absolutely for their kids. No one has been hospitalized, dead or arrested = no need to call. He has been gone for the weekend and I haven't confronted him yet. I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. If he has been ****ing her I'm going to metaphorically kill him.


As I said before, if the children are older in their teens, there is no need for any contact unless its a matter of life or death.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This is definitely too many calls in the last 60 days if their children are grown up. Brace yourself. Something is up. Your husband has let her back in his life. See your attorney & get his/her advice. Don't let your husband know that you know about these excessive phone calls. You need to gather evidence. With your attorney's advice, you can make the next move. When you do, make sure he knows the consequences of his actions and that you mean business. Don't waffle as I believe that he will make you believe that you are just jealous and will guilt you. Where did he go this weekend? You need to know as he may be taking her along or went with her on a weekend trip.

Sorry you are here.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

How am I suppose to handle this? I want to call him, wake him up and start screaming at him. He's an *******. He PROMISED that he'd drop contact with her. He promised that nothing was going on. 32 phone calls isn't nothing. What the hell are they talking about? Why the **** is it so important? Why is she, a speck in his past, so ****ing important to him? When did it start? Was she banging him while her husband was still alive? Or only after he died as a giant F you to him? Who even does that? Who knows about it? Am I the only one in the dark? I want answers from my husband. I want to him to look me in the face and tell me what he's been doing. Not make up bullcrap on the phone. But how the hell do I wait just a day to confront him.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

He is 2.5-3 hours away, spending the weekend with some friends. There was a concert that he and his friends went to, then they were celebrating two birthdays this weekend as well. He is staying with a long time friend of his, and his wife. He's coming home tomorrow, going to work first then home after work. I'm starting not to believe him though. He's probably out banging her. Or someone else.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

emmeline said:


> How am I suppose to handle this? I want to call him, wake him up and start screaming at him. He's an *******. He PROMISED that he'd drop contact with her. He promised that nothing was going on. 32 phone calls isn't nothing. What the hell are they talking about? Why the **** is it so important? Why is she, a speck in his past, so ****ing important to him? When did it start? Was she banging him while her husband was still alive? Or only after he died as a giant F you to him? Who even does that? Who knows about it? Am I the only one in the dark? I want answers from my husband. I want to him to look me in the face and tell me what he's been doing. Not make up bullcrap on the phone. But how the hell do I wait just a day to confront him.


Emmeline, you need to control your emotions. Do not confront or scream at him. Go see an attorney as soon as possible. He has broken his promise. It is possible that they have re-established their relationship. Cheaters lie. You do not wait, but do your research. Research online, read TAM's posts, talk to friends & family members who you trust. They may know something, but won't tell you unless you ask. You need to be strong. So, do not show your hand.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You may need to give him an ultimatum. He stops all contact with her and only has contact with his teenagers, or you are leaving. There is just no need for contact with her every other day. Or even once a month.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Emmeline, why are you not with him this weekend? Why are you not in the concert with him, nor celebrating two birthdays with him? Are these friends of your husband's & his ex-wife. If they are, you may speculate that the ex-wife is with him. Go see that attorney and compose yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

emmeline said:


> My hubby says that he knows he crossed boundaries, didn’t realize it at the time, and has apologized for it numerous times. He has agreed to immediately cut off contact with her as much as possible. They don’t need to talk much regarding their teenaged kids, so unless it involves an issue with the kids there is no need for contact. My hubby texted the ex and told her to back off and that he doesn’t want contact with her that doesn’t involve their kids. He texted her in front of me. So why don’t I believe him? Am I really just creating paranoia for myself? He didn’t fight with me much about stopping contact.
> 
> My hubby is saying that he deleted their entire text conversation (not just select texts) because she told him some private things recently that I didn’t need to know. He has never hid his phone or conversations from me. I’m not buying it. Why not just delete specific texts if he was going to at all? He said he didn’t have the time or desire and chose to delete them all. Or my thought, maybe he didn’t want to risk missing anything.
> 
> ...


Sorry missed the posts sense this one.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

We have a young child. She has extra needs and we don't trust anyone other than my mother (a nurse) to watch her overnight. I had no interest in going to the concert and I'm not close with those friends. He has been friends with them for years, 25-30 years probably. They far predate our marriage, and that to his ex. Or not so ex. They did know her before me though. For all I know he is actually there, but so is she. How do you compose yourself when your husband is having sex with his ex wife?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

emmeline said:


> We have a young child. She has extra needs and we don't trust anyone other than my mother (a nurse) to watch her overnight. I had no interest in going to the concert and I'm not close with those friends. He has been friends with them for years, 25-30 years probably. They far predate our marriage, and that to his ex. Or not so ex. They did know her before me though. For all I know he is actually there, but so is she. How do you compose yourself when your husband is having sex with his ex wife?


You focus your energy on getting strong, emotionally and financially independent and you leave.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... I'd advise to watch first. You've made your points, no need to repeat them or nag him about it. Drop the topic, no longer confront your husband about this. Convince him that he is off the hook. Right now he's on his guard. You need to monitor the situation discretely, find solid evidence of his fidelity or infidelity. People are alot easier to catch when they are not alert.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

emmeline said:


> He is 2.5-3 hours away, spending the weekend with some friends. There was a concert that he and his friends went to, then they were celebrating two birthdays this weekend as well. He is staying with a long time friend of his, and his wife. He's coming home tomorrow, going to work first then home after work. I'm starting not to believe him though. He's probably out banging her. Or someone else.


emmeline don’t let your imagination get the better of you. This happens with things going the way are. Don’t barrow trouble, you have enough as it is. Confront and stand your ground when he get back in. Hand him the phone records and just say explain with out lying. Ask straight out if he slept with the ex this weekend. 

Find a lawyer and start getting the info you will need.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Emmeline, having a young special needs child complicates matters for you. However, you must protect yourself legally and this begins with seeing an attorney to protect your rights. Your husband should be staying with you over the weekend, especially when he is much needed to help with a special needs child. He has no business attending concerts & celebrating birthdays when he is needed at home.

As for composing yourself, this will be hard for you but you can do it. Try to be calm and logical. Do not betray yourself with outbursts & uncontrolled emotions. Take a walk, work out in a gym, listen to your favorite music, & talk to trusted friends. Begin to detach your emotions from your husband. Do some arts & crafts that you enjoy such as sewing, quilting, painting, baking, or some type of creative work. Do a self-study on how to better yourself through the web or books from the library. I'm so sorry you are here.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

I'm suppose to just let him have sex with another woman while living in our house, sleeping in our bed and being around our child? How does anyone do that? Every time he's come home late from work was he sleeping with her? Every time he had to run to the store or do some other errand, was he actually banging her? Why didn't he care enough to hide it from me. When I came home to them on the couch, did they just finish having sex> How do I look him in the eye knowing what he's done and what he has done. 

I trusted him. He's my husband and our daughters father. He was suppose to be the one person in this world that I could trust. Everything feels like a lie. What do I do if he lies? What if he has an excuse for the phone records? What if I divorce him, ruin my family and I'm wrong? What if I'm just a controlling, jealous, uptight wife and I'm totally wrong. 

I don't know how I'd be a full-time single parent. We take shifts, and have to get up every 2 hours at night for about 45 minutes at a time. For a few days it's fine and I'm use to it, but I can't do it full time. My daughter is more attached to my husband than me, I don't want to break up my family for nothing. I don't want to be wrong and hurt my daughter for no reason. But I can't see any other reason for my husband calling his ex so many times. Maybe I should just put up and deal with it for my daughters sake. 

My hubby very rarely goes away like this. If I recall correctly he has only gone away for a weekend with friends a handful of times during our marriage. Going away for a few days in a row isn't normal for him. Maybe that's a huge red flag. Usually he goes for a few hours, maybe one night then comes home.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Emmaline,

Don't confront yet. You have no evidence that he can't explain away. 32 calls in 60 days, surprisingly, isn't nearly as bad as I've seen. Usually cheaters can't go a whole day without calling their lover.

You need to put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car. Find out the whole truth. It will give you that. He won't. Whatever is going on, at the very least it's inappropriate. At worst it's a full blown affair.
If you act on your emotions, you will mess up.

Don't confront until you've put. VAR in his car and gotten irrefutable, inexplicable proof or you'll regret it. 

You are entitled to the truth. Get it. The truth will give you what you need to set your life right. 

I urge you to wait until you have the whole truth from his own mouth. A VAR is cheap compared to what you will get from it.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

Do not confront him further yet. Gather more evidence. Find proof that he cannot deny. Right now he will find an excuse for everything. Look on this board for evidence gathering threads. There are ways to get answers. Use voice activated recorder in the car to see what they are talking about. Monitor his texts. You may feel crazy doing this but you need more definitive proof before you choose to divorce. It will be hard but do not let him know you suspect anything until you have definite proof that he cannot deny.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

How are things @emmeline ?


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

emmeline are you okay? pls update


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Didn't read whole thread before posting. My bad. deleted


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Emmeline did you speak with your husband about this finally? Would like an update if you can


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

I posted last year. A short recap…

-I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, we have a young daughter together.
-He has an ex-wife, who he was married to for 5 years and divorced almost 13 years. They have two teenagers together. 
-His ex-wife’s second husband died April 2017. From about June-September she was a complete ***** towards my husband and I, and went as far as saying she wished my husband died (to my husband, not to me). In September that attitude seemed to stop and she was thankful for the help we provided to her. 
-About mid-September I found out my husband was seeing his ex-wife daily to provide comfort and “friendship” to her. 
-At the end of September I came home and found my husband and his ex-wife on the couch, she was sleeping on him, he was awake and said she needed someone to talk to and fell asleep. 
-My husband apologized, said it was wrong of him and that it wouldn’t happen again. He agreed to go no contact, unless it was an emergency for their kids. 
-He deleted their text conversation, he never deletes any, and said it was because they talked about personal things that I didn’t need to see (her husband’s death, the loss of their daughter). 
-He deleted her number in his call log. 
-Mid-October I got his phone records and found out that he had been calling her every other day for two months. 
-My husband said he knew it was wrong and he shouldn’t have done it. He agreed (for the second time) to stop ALL communication with her. If something was needed their boys could make contact, or I could. He gave me open access to all of his communication devices, and let me install and app that records all of his phone calls. I checked his call logs. He said the reason he was communicating with her so much was because he felt bad for her, couldn’t help it, wanted to try and help her in someway, she just needed someone to talk to and was comfortable talking to him. Promised they had never done anything other than talk and he had no feelings for her whatsoever. 
-Everything settled down after that. I kept watching what he was doing and nothing popped up. There was no more contact between them, except for one call that was recorded and was solely about him being late picking the kids up from school and not being able to get ahold of the boys. He told me immediately after that he called her. It appeared he had done as promised and stopped contact with her. 

Mid-January my husband became very grumpy, irritable and distant, with me and our daughter/his sons. He was very snappy and wouldn’t answer why he was acting that way other than “because”. There was nothing in our lives that I was aware of that would have caused him to act that way, everything had been normal. His attitude hasn’t changed much since mid-January, other than redirecting his anger to his ex-wife rather than me/kids. 

One week ago my husbands ex-wife came to me and told me that my husband kissed her two weeks prior. She also said that they had been in constant, daily communication and he was going to her house regularly. Her story is that when he kissed her, she stopped him and told him to stop seeing her. He kept calling her and went to her house a few times, she says she didn’t let him in or talk to him. 

My husband denies it, and says that she is trying to break us apart because she wants to be with him again. He has called her a dozen times this week, which he didn’t hide, calling her a *****, how dare she rip apart a marriage after what she did, to tell me the truth, leave us alone, etc. He claims that she came onto him, he turned her down, and then she came up with that lie to tell me. He didn’t tell me that she came onto him because he didn’t want me to think there had been cheating. He saw her once when dropping off their boys, she said she needed to talk to him about something urgent with one of their boys, and came onto him in his car. 

Yesterday his ex-wife texted me a long message about why she let herself get close to my husband, that she knew it was wrong, regretted it, was sorry, admitted to being selfish to allow it to happen, but still says nothing happened other than him kissing her. 

Who am I suppose to believe?!? The obvious answer seems like my husband, but it also feels obvious that I shouldn’t trust him given the past history. If she really wanted to tell a good lie, surely she’d say they did more than “he kissed me, I pushed him away”. Based on the timing of his attitude change, something DID happen, but what…


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

emmeline said:


> I posted last year. A short recap…
> 
> -I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, we have a young daughter together.
> -He has an ex-wife, who he was married to for 5 years and divorced almost 13 years. They have two teenagers together.
> ...


The polygraph operator. Believe the polygraph operator.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Or believe neither.
They both seem to be liars.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If he has been in constant contact as she claims she should easily be able to show you phone records or text messages from him. He could have used a burner phone to keep in regular contact with her.


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## emmeline (Sep 30, 2017)

honcho said:


> If he has been in constant contact as she claims she should easily be able to show you phone records or text messages from him. He could have used a burner phone to keep in regular contact with her.


She sent me screen shots of text messages with his number on them. What she chose to show me made it very obvious that he at the very least has feelings for her. The messages that she sent back to him didn't appear to reciprocate as much. There was also a clear communication about my husband kissing her. I have not had her phone in my hands to see the full scope of it. My husband says that it's all lies, and that there are apps you can download to fake conversations very easily. He showed me a bunch of them and when sending messages it looked totally realistic. She said he called her from work, which is why it didn't show up on his call logs. 

After she came to me with this info, she hasn't tried to contact me again aside from the one "apology" text message sent yesterday.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

emmeline said:


> She sent me screen shots of text messages with his number on them. What she chose to show me made it very obvious that he at the very least has feelings for her. The messages that she sent back to him didn't appear to reciprocate as much. There was also a clear communication about my husband kissing her. I have not had her phone in my hands to see the full scope of it. My husband says that it's all lies, and that there are apps you can download to fake conversations very easily. He showed me a bunch of them and when sending messages it looked totally realistic. She said he called her from work, which is why it didn't show up on his call logs.
> 
> After she came to me with this info, she hasn't tried to contact me again aside from the one "apology" text message sent yesterday.


If she in theory would go thru all the effort to create fake texts and conversations why wouldn't she just say they had a full blown physical affair to drive a big wedge between you and your spouse. I think your hubby is hiding something and throwing her under the bus as the "crazy one" to save himself in this.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Emmeline, I believe that he kissed her & pursued her. That is why he was acting so strange around you and was grumpy towards you and the children. Question is, how do you feel about this & his denial, that he was willing to chuck you over for his ex? He told you that he was sorry that he didn't work hard enough for his former marriage. It is not something you say to your present wife with a special needs child. This is simply hurtful!

Your having a special needs child needs some consideration. If you stay, you'll need to give consequences to his actions such as total disclosure & transparency on his communication to his ex-wife. You need to see a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. It is a terrible blow to one's self-confidence to be a Plan B. I'm very sorry that you are here.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

emmeline said:


> I posted last year. A short recap…
> 
> -I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, we have a young daughter together.
> -He has an ex-wife, who he was married to for 5 years and divorced almost 13 years. They have two teenagers together.
> ...


You will be happier in the long run if you just divorce his cheating ass. She is always going to be around because of the kids and your husband is an ass. Sorry but people like your husband take the joy out of life.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I see this a lot here. Hiding and lying. Betrayed spouses trying to somehow figure out what is the truth.

What would be helpful, I think, is to write out a list of what lies, including any major omissions, of your husband to you. He has lied a lot. Said he would not contact, then did. He gave all transparency for you, and you actually monitored him, yet still he was able to contact/meet her without you knowing. There was a kiss, your husband didn't tell you about it. His lies has been fairly consistent over close to at least six months. Here's the heading, MY HUSBAND'S LIES, OMISSIONS, AND SECRETS. 

The second pillar - secrecy. He has secret communications with her, you have not been allowed to know. They have secrets together. He deleted texts. Lies and secrecy. This has been going on for a while. It might be helpful to make a second list, REASONS I BELIEVE MY HUSBAND.

I always think transparency is a good idea. I also always think trying to monitor a liar who is hiding secrets is a bad idea. The liar/secret hider can literally find numerous ways around it. A burner phone. Cheater apps. Work phone/email. If the kids are old enough, using the kid's devices.

You had compassion for your husband's ex-wife. Her husband died while in her mid-30s, leaving two teenage boys. This must be an upheaval of her life in every aspect. Probably this isn't the best time to get romantically involved, yet likely she is vulnerable. Maybe she likes the distraction. Maybe your husband likes being the hero. This is a bad mix for your marriage.

There are many cheaters who did not set out to cheat. They didn't wake up one day and say, I'm unhappy, I think I will find a person to cheat with on my spouse. Rather, opportunity came knocking. Then say, I like this person, this person is attractive, they like me, I like them, and boundaries are crossed. Part of staying faithful is avoiding temptation.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I have to agree with some posters. No amount of monitoring will stop them from finding some other way to keep in contact. If they want to cheat, they'll always find a way. And there's so many ways to hide this sh!t now. You're being used in triangulation while they're trying to throw each other under the bus, like two kids snitching on each other. If this wasn't so heartbreaking, this would have been slightly comical, much less pathetic. 

Who do you believe? Neither of them. Don't participate in being the third point of this triangle that you are now unwittingly a part of. Take the time now to protect yourself and your children, compile the evidence you have, and in the event that things escalate, be ready to remove yourself from this circus.

You deserve better than this. Don't let this be the rest of your life.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

That's the problem with half-truths... you really never know which half you are getting and between the two there is no innocence in their behavior, it's probable each one knows exactly what is happening.

Her's seems aggressive, his is damage control.

Your husband has made you an option for way too long... do you think this weakness in him is something that can be overcome? 

He has chosen this... placing you where you are in his life.

Worth committing time and effort to?

If you do not know, then the foundation of trust and truth become even more important because if you do not know if you will ever get it back, I think you have your answer for the future of your relationship.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I find it hard to believe that they've been close, and that he's been hiding so much from you, all for it to fall apart because a 'kiss' months later. What guy waits that long?

Therefore, I think something more has been going on between them for a while and for one reason or another they had a falling out, which has led to the current situation.

You may not ever get the full truth from your husband. Maybe all this time he just was in an emotional affair with her for some reason or another. Maybe he thought feelings were being mutually rekindled. But, it's hard to trust that.

Have his teenagers been acting differently? Have you approached the subject with them (Hey do mommy and daddy seem a lot closer)? Surely they would notice changes too.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

OP. Get your husband's phone and purchase Dr Fone. It recovers all data that has been deleted from a phone including text messages. At least that way you will know for sure if those texts were real. Sorry you are here. Best of luck.


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