# Need some thoughts and opinions please



## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

Hubby and I have been married a little over 10 years now. I brought along a 6 year old who is now 20 and hubby and I have an 11 year old together. When we dated and the first few years we were married we went out with friends and had a social life. And all of that has changed. The hubby gets a dart league with his buddies once a week and then a day on every weekend to go with his buddies too. Which I have never minded his hobbies. I have never complained about the hobbies but lately I realized that something has changed with him. Maybe I lost track of it. Maybe we were just going through the motions. I’m not sure.....I think it has been awhile since i was made a priority to him. Up until about a week and a half ago our sex life was non existent. He is on social media sites that I am not even aware of. He has locked me out of his cell phone. (And it’s not because I have tried to go in it, cause I don’t) but he has it locked up. I have always had self confidence issues and I did find on his Instagram that he is following trashy women. Which I called him out in cause I have family that follows him on there and our 20 year old daughter. So I told him that wasn’t very smart. And disrespectful to me. He deletes all of his texts and emails. 
so this last week after finding this stuff and telling him that I was worried and I don’t feel like we are close and best friends anymore, the fact that I haven’t felt like a priority in awhile.......I decided to kick it in with the sex and try that route back to his heart. See if that would help. I spiced things up and had suprises for him almost every night. But there is still something missing and something inside me that feels like he is hiding something.
He hasn’t really stepped it up and assured me anything either. I just find my self feeling real lonely and sad a lot lately. Like I lost my best friend. I cry a lot and my mind just goes into overdrive. I am usually a very strong independent woman but I feel like my marriage is slipping away. 
we have never been secretive. He’s never needed pictures of other women and he knows that bothers me.
Maybe I am overthinking this all. Can someone give me some kind of advise?
Thanks you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sex life nonexistent? Why? You decided suddenly to go the sex route to his heart? Where’s all that been before?

deleted emails and texts, locking phones, following women, and mainly the fact that you are wondering to start with—-yes that points to cheating. And for you to be concerned about “looking”........ you should have the right to look at your husbands phone regarding women and such anytime you want.

I’m wondering two things: Why was the sex life nonexistant in the past. How long it’s going to be before you find he’s cheating.

very sorry you are here


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

Dream0912 said:


> Hubby and I have been married a little over 10 years now. I brought along a 6 year old who is now 20 and hubby and I have an 11 year old together. When we dated and the first few years we were married we went out with friends and had a social life. And all of that has changed. The hubby gets a dart league with his buddies once a week and then a day on every weekend to go with his buddies too. Which I have never minded his hobbies. I have never complained about the hobbies but lately I realized that something has changed with him. Maybe I lost track of it. Maybe we were just going through the motions. I’m not sure.....I think it has been awhile since i was made a priority to him. Up until about a week and a half ago our sex life was non existent. He is on social media sites that I am not even aware of. He has locked me out of his cell phone. (And it’s not because I have tried to go in it, cause I don’t) but he has it locked up. I have always had self confidence issues and I did find on his Instagram that he is following trashy women. Which I called him out in cause I have family that follows him on there and our 20 year old daughter. So I told him that wasn’t very smart. And disrespectful to me. He deletes all of his texts and emails.
> so this last week after finding this stuff and telling him that I was worried and I don’t feel like we are close and best friends anymore, the fact that I haven’t felt like a priority in awhile.......I decided to kick it in with the sex and try that route back to his heart. See if that would help. I spiced things up and had suprises for him almost every night. But there is still something missing and something inside me that feels like he is hiding something.
> He hasn’t really stepped it up and assured me anything either. I just find my self feeling real lonely and sad a lot lately. Like I lost my best friend. I cry a lot and my mind just goes into overdrive. I am usually a very strong independent woman but I feel like my marriage is slipping away.
> we have never been secretive. He’s never needed pictures of other women and he knows that bothers me.
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> Sex life nonexistent? Why? You decided suddenly to go the sex route to his heart? Where’s all that been before?
> 
> deleted emails and texts, locking phones, following women, and mainly the fact that you are wondering to start with—-yes that points to cheating. And for you to be concerned about “looking”........ you should have the right to look at your husbands phone regarding women and such anytime you want.
> 
> ...


I guess I wouldn’t say non-existant completely but maybe every 2 weeks if that and felt more forced than anything. Maybe on both our parts. I have expressed to him how I feel and that if all of these things are strange coincidences, I must be losing my mind. With my insecurities with my own image, not because I’m grossly overweight, but a couple extra pounds, him needing to look at other women hurts me. I know this is completely normal in some marriages but he knows how I feel about this. If I do find out he is cheating, I won’t be able to stay. I too am sorry that I am here. I cry as I type this.....I thought I married my beat friend. I told him everything. And somewhere we lost each other.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

I see some major lack of communication here. If I knew my hubby was looking at trashy women, or had secretive things going on, I would be confronting him about it, from the get-go.

I don't know if you are at the menopause age, but I am getting near it and noticing some changes. I feel more insecure and I am starting to see younger women as rivals. Desire also starts to lessen around this time which our men may pick up and perceive as if we lose interest in them and they no longer appeal to us so I think they may start looking elsewhere.

i don't have much tips as I am often here asking for help on stuff, so not an expert. Just hate this stage of a woman's life and sometimes regret I got married if things have to so drastically change, that men have to start looking at younger women because they are at peak seductive age. I think I even saw a study come out showing that older men will always find girls in the 20-26 age range appealing which is very sad. I always thought men and women would age together and naturally remain attracted. It is hard to keep in shape and compete with these distractions. Just letting you know, you are not alone in feeling this way.

I would however get very upset and would not tolerate this kind of behavior. Hubby knows from the beginning of our marriage that I would not tolerate any forms of cheating. And I caught him watching porn a few times and that really got me super upset, imagine me finding him following real people on social media. 
Now confronting him and getting angry is not good, I am very impulsive and can get carried away at times when I am upset, so I would suggest taking a calm approach and talking to him about it, telling him you are aware and how it impacts you and why he sincerely is doing this.


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I see some major lack of communication here. If I knew my hubby was looking at trashy women, or had secretive things going on, I would be confronting him about it, from the get-go.
> 
> I don't know if you are at the menopause age, but I am getting near it and noticing some changes. I feel more insecure and I am starting to see younger women as rivals. Desire also starts to lessen around this time which our men may pick up and perceive as if we lose interest in them and they no longer appeal to us so I think they may start looking elsewhere.
> 
> ...


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

I can’t tell you how much it means to read your response. Because I would tend to think that I am menopausal or premenopausal, which may be causing me to be a little hypersensitive.
BUT he does know how this is effecting me. He says the trashy women on Instagram aren’t real, as in......he can’t actually ever touch them or talk to them. Which is supposed to make it okay somehow? It doesn’t. And he removed them but how much don’t I know about? I’m sure he is looking at full on porn and more than likely may be the reason why we weren’t having as much sex maybe? I do take some of the blame too. But I explained to him too that he needs to put in the work as well. Take me out to dinner, go see a band, couples message, etc.
I’m not sure where we are headed but it has to get better. I just pray to god that I don’t find out he’s cheating. Thank you so much for responding. I’m glad I’m not alone. ❤❤❤


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dream0912 said:


> He’s never needed pictures of other women and he knows that bothers me.


I'd suggest you consider that he may very well be doing something more with these women than just looking at their pictures. Seriously.


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'd suggest you consider that he may very well be doing something more with these women than just looking at their pictures. Seriously.


How would I even go about figuring that out?
The women that I found him looking at are not women that he knows. Or at least the ones I have found. I’m not sure how to play detective without getting in his phone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Voice activated Recorder under the seat of his car.
VAR

you put in a couple of pounds? Look, a man that loves you DOES NOT NOTICE or give a damn about such things. You are his wife and he does not see you like you see you, noe does anyone else that cares about you. Your friends see you as you,you see every flaw, every imperfection. Nobody else does. That’s just normal insecurity.

Yiur husband looking at other women and whatever else he’s doing is all on him.

lastly, if you want a date, and build some memories and emotions with him, go do something he enjoys. Why are men always expected to invest so much in dating their wife. Are wives not just as much expected to date their husbands?
go out and talk to him and help him while he’s doing some of his man crap. 

keep in mind, this doesn’t really apply with you, because it totally sounds like he’s up to no good and at the very least looking at porn and such. But if you have no interest in sex, I can hardly blame him for that. If he’s seeing or communicating with other women, send him packing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dream0912 said:


> I guess I wouldn’t say non-existant completely but maybe every 2 weeks if that and felt more forced than anything. Maybe on both our parts. I have expressed to him how I feel and that if all of these things are strange coincidences, I must be losing my mind. With my insecurities with my own image, not because I’m grossly overweight, but a couple extra pounds, him needing to look at other women hurts me. I know this is completely normal in some marriages but he knows how I feel about this. If I do find out he is cheating, I won’t be able to stay. I too am sorry that I am here. I cry as I type this.....I thought I married my beat friend. I told him everything. And somewhere we lost each other.


He was not interrested or had you turned him down except for every 2 weeks and then he stopped initiating? Every 2 weeks is room mate status. I would not remain married to a roommate. If it had not changed dramatically i would have filed if my wife was only only intimate every couple of weeks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

We normally say trust your gut because those of us who read these stories see that a majority of the time the gut is right. 

My friend. I would encourage you to try to find your courage. This hard I know, but this is also your life. I get wanting to cry but you must also start to get proactive. That will at least help you not to feel so hopeless. What ever happens I promise you, in the end you will be alright. Your life and the potential for joy in your life will not be any different in the long run.

How much have you talked to him about this? I mean really sat down and talked? Have you had any issues in your marriage before, how have you dealt with them?

Right now you have a husband who follows trashy Instagram models. As I say trust your gut but don't proceed like your marriage is over until it really is. For not start to move forward.


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

sokillme said:


> We normally say trust your gut because those of us who read these stories see that a majority of the time the gut is right.
> 
> My friend. I would encourage you to try to find your courage. This hard I know, but this is also your life. I get wanting to cry but you must also start to get proactive. That will at least help you not to feel so hopeless. What ever happens I promise you, in the end you will be alright. Your life and the potential for joy in your life will not be any different in the long run.
> 
> ...


I have told him where I am at with my feelings and that I am super insecure and upset about this. We have always or I thought we were always very open with each other about things and if he needed to look at other women, maybe tell me we needed to have sex more or whatever. Maybe that is where some of the hurt is coming from too? Is that we told each other everything? Or I thought we did. I literally tell on myself when it comes to him because I do view him as my best friend. And I can’t keep things from him. He hangs out with his friends and has hobbies. And I never question anything. It’s hunting and shooting at a gun club. The 2 friends that he hangs with are both men in their 40’s whom have never been married and have no plan to be. They are in relationships but could easily walk away at any time. He also has darts once a week at the bar too which I never ask any questions about. I have always been a very trusting wife, until now. I told him this was going to take me awhile to get over. I know I need to move on I figure this out but I just have a lot going through my mind. I wonder if it was something innocent and I am blowing things up or there could be other signs staring me in the face too. Just lost. I am strong and I will get through this. Thank you for saying that tho, nothing wrong with a reminder!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dream0912 said:


> I have told him where I am at with my feelings and that I am super insecure and upset about this. We have always or I thought we were always very open with each other about things and if he needed to look at other women, maybe tell me we needed to have sex more or whatever. Maybe that is where some of the hurt is coming from too? Is that we told each other everything? Or I thought we did. I literally tell on myself when it comes to him because I do view him as my best friend. And I can’t keep things from him. He hangs out with his friends and has hobbies. And I never question anything. It’s hunting and shooting at a gun club. The 2 friends that he hangs with are both men in their 40’s whom have never been married and have no plan to be. They are in relationships but could easily walk away at any time. He also has darts once a week at the bar too which I never ask any questions about. I have always been a very trusting wife, until now. I told him this was going to take me awhile to get over. I know I need to move on I figure this out but I just have a lot going through my mind. I wonder if it was something innocent and I am blowing things up or there could be other signs staring me in the face too. Just lost. I am strong and I will get through this. Thank you for saying that tho, nothing wrong with a reminder!


So have you told him this though - 

"We have always or I thought we were always very open with each other about things and if he needed to look at other women, maybe tell me we needed to have sex more or whatever. Maybe that is where some of the hurt is coming from too? Is that we told each other everything? Or I thought we did. I literally tell on myself when it comes to him because I do view him as my best friend. And I can’t keep things from him."

In this way you are not saying - "You did this to me" but more "I am so disappointed and I feel like we are not here (what you wrote above) anymore." The first version is accusatory, the second version is asking for help in a way. You are appealing to what is most men's natural instincts to want to take care of his wife. 

Look I don't know you but it sounds like you are kind of panicking. I get that you are very worried and feeling some real fear, but panicking is never good. And remember I also told you to trust your gut, if you think there is something wrong follow it up. But you are going to have a very hard time if you are panicking. Remember courage my friend. Courage is not about not feeling fear, it's about blocking that fear and moving forward. 

None of these things absolutely mean he is cheating, all of them could also be innocuous (when compared to cheating) and typical in long term marriage. Going out with friends is like you said what he always does. Sex frequency ebbs and flows in most peoples marriage. Even looking at Instagram girls (though disrespectful to the boundaries you set up) doesn't mean he is cheating. It also doesn't mean he has lost attraction to you. Men don't work like that, so don't worry about that. Now I would be embarrassed too if my parents or whatever saw that he was doing that. But that only proves that he is crass and stupid. It doesn't prove that he has lost interest in you and is cheating.

Now I say all that to say - look this is where you are at. There is no smoking gun and your marriage isn't over yet, you don't even know he is cheating. What you need to do is pay attention, do some investigating. We can try to help you with that. And try to engage your husband in discussions about this. (Not cheating but your connection.) Something missing doesn't always mean cheating. 

I got to say if he is a good man and he sees you are suffering he will try to fix it. If my wife was in the state you were in even if I didn't think she was being rational (not saying you aren't, but you do seem to be overwhelming yourself) I would try my best to reassure her. 

OK, take a deep breath. Don't assume there is no hope yet. Proceed cautiously. Yes this stuff is scary particularly if you have never gone through it but I can assure you no matter what happens it's still in the long run going to be OK.

Please understand I am not trying to dismiss you concern, I am trying to help you calm down and have some perspective so you can move forward in the best possible shape. Clear and focused.


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## Dream0912 (Jan 3, 2021)

sokillme said:


> So have you told him this though -
> 
> "We have always or I thought we were always very open with each other about things and if he needed to look at other women, maybe tell me we needed to have sex more or whatever. Maybe that is where some of the hurt is coming from too? Is that we told each other everything? Or I thought we did. I literally tell on myself when it comes to him because I do view him as my best friend. And I can’t keep things from him."
> 
> ...


I actually really appreciate that. Thank you for your insight and taking the time to respond. Maybe I am over-reacting. I did ask him why he found the need to look at them women and all I get is......”We already talked about this” I know he doesn’t want to talk about it over and over. Hell I don’t either. Maybe I let this one go and see where things head. It can only go one of two ways right? I just need to think positive and get my head on straight. 
thank you again for your thoughts, I do appreciate them. They may have shook me awake!! So to speak!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dream0912 said:


> I did ask him why he found the need to look at them women


OK the next thing I am going to say is not PC and may be controversial to some but I am going to say it anyway because I believe it's the truth. I am also not saying if you had set these boundaries that it wasn't wrong for him to cross them. 

Men look because it's in our nature. It's as much a biological thing as anything else. It's a part of our visceral makeup. I believe how it works is the same way it works for a women when she sees a baby, in the sense that I think for most men when they look at a baby they think "aw cute" but as far as I can tell for a lot of women it's more like a biological response. You can lose perspective for a sec. 

Now you may think I am being silly, but this is how I understand it. It may also upset you but it's just not a big deal. We have been dealing with these feeling for way longer then we were married, since puberty. They are fleeting and mature and moral men understand how unimportant they are. If anything we choose to fight our own nature because we love our wives. 

Again I am not saying you don't have a right to be upset and talk about it, you and your husband have to set up what your boundaries are, and I agree he was very disrespectful to you by following this chick. But I doubt she is interested in some married random middle aged follower. 

All I am saying is it doesn't necessarily mean there are huge problems in your marriage (besides the disrespectful part of it.)

I am also not saying to let your guard down or rug sweep this either. Please don't think that was my point. It's not. My point is to pay attention, and do some investigation, but also talk to your husband. If this is only really just a problem of you guys drifting apart then it's not too late (assuming nothing else is going on). That is one of your avenues to see, by judging how receptive he is. 

There is no smoking gun right now and you are going to need be smart about finding on if there is one. There are some warning signs but not enough to say there is a fire yet. So be smart. 

Finally don't be so afraid that you make a mistake.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

No direct evidence of cheating.

I don’t have instagram, but following some ho’s high heels and Daisy Dukes shorts pictures and having sex with her is a galaxy or two apart. 

Playing darts with buddies and going to the gun club are just things guys do - along with looking at pictures of pretty girls. 

Now I’m not saying he isn’t cheating because it’s next to impossible to prove someone isn’t. 

If you feel there is some kind of boundary infraction or inappropriate activities taking place here, then you have a right to assert your boundaries. 

I think there is evidence of complacency and drifting apart here however. 

If you are wanting to reconnect and do more things together, then do more things together and talk to each other more.

This won’t happen overnight and it takes more than having sex a few extra times in a month.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'd suggest you consider that he may very well be doing something more with these women than just looking at their pictures. Seriously.


For all we know these women may not even be in this country or even the same continent. 

Is the OP’s husband some kind of George Clooney movie star or international playboy that can pull young hot chicks on instagram out of their all their other thousands or even millions of followers? 

Let’s come back down to earth here. 

This is probably some middle aged dude with a pot belly, receding hairline, glasses and comfortable jeans and sensible shoes like the rest of us guys here. The chances of him scoring Instagram chicks is about the same as getting hit by a meteor.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That all being said, deleting txts and emails and locking the phone are a bit of red flag if these are new practices. 

Due diligence would indicate to follow up with phone carrier and get an accounting of his phone and txt activity and see if you can hack into his emails and social media accounts.

Since you have already confronted him about your insecurities, he has likely already cleaned those things up as much as he can. You may need some kind of actual key logger program to access his computer communications.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Dream0912 said:


> *He has locked me out of his cell phone. (And it’s not because I have tried to go in it, cause I don’t) but he has it locked up*.


There's only one reason sleazebags do this - to hide their sleazy activity.

Stop deluding yourself.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

The pictures and trashy models aren’t in and of themselves a problem so to speak. I feel like men will always look at things like this, pre internet days there was Playboy and Hustler. With internet at our fingertips, it’s that much easier. Men are visual creatures and their desire to look is always there.


The problem with that is how it makes YOU FEEL. If you don’t like it, your spouse should be sympathetic to that and not do it. Some marriages are fine with it, others aren’t. It doesn’t have to be ok in your marriage just because it’s ok in others. It’s important to note that looking at pictures of random women doesn’t mean he’s cheating though, even though it can be and is incredibly hurtful.


What worries me more is the locked phone and deleted texts. That is where my concern would lie more than the pictures and Instagram models.


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