# Heartbroken and Alone..... (long)



## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

I'm not officially separated from my wife but we are moving forward with setting up mediation. My marriage is breaking up after 10 years and two children because my wife neglected me and forgot about me for 4 years and I decided to go into the arms of another woman. She was focused on simply being a mother. I don't in any way want anyone to think that she should not be concentrated on our two kids. The point I make is that I never forgot how to be a husband. I would try to be affectionate and hold hands, joke around and she was either too tired from work or dealing with the two children. For those four years I never strayed although in my head I thought about it. I would tell her my feelings and things would be ok for a week and then she would just collapse and turn right back into the same routine. 

Here is where the story complicates. 10 -11 months ago a wonderfully attractive new accountant was hired here. She is 24 years old and I am 10 years her elder. It all started out innocently enough with a few jokes here and there and innocent flirtations. Little by little our relationship grew close and we started to become emotionally attached. In the process I had tried to give my wife the heads up that I still was concerned about the issues we were having and she simply shrugged it off. She never made it an effort to even try. So seeing that my life was becoming more and more unhappy with my wife, i started to veer into the arms of my co-worker. She was involved with a boyfriend, not married. She stated many times that she was not a cheater and we held off of the physical stuff as much as possible. Eventually there was no denying that we were physically way too attracted to each other to deny it any longer. The affair started and it was a roller coaster.

My wife suggested seeing a therapist and we did. We started with two group sessions and then it went to one on one. Within this time the affair was getting hot and heavy but she still refused to leave her boyfriend. Whenever a physical act occurred she would regress and feel guilty that she was cheating and try to distance herself from me. A few days or a week would pass and she would start again with the flirting. It was undeniable that we couldn't keep our hands from each other and enjoyed our company together immensely. All the while my wife did nothing to show change so I for the most part gave up on that and continued what I did to stay happy even though my co-worker was flip flopping constantly. Her boyfriend and her have been together for just about 2 years and she would always complain about how he took her for granted. She supports him in every way from carting him around everywhere, buying his cigarettes,food etc. All the while he would call her overweight and threaten to leave her if she didnt lose the weight, which I never saw as an issue because she was beautiful. I fawned over her and bought her little things to make her smile and she was appreciative and honestly i did this to see her wonderful reaction not because i was trying to buy her. Things with her were great when she was on board and wanted me, but when she didnt want me or when she was trying to not cheat on her boyfriend she would make me feel as if I were a mistake and she regretted our actions. This was hurtful to me, no one should be made to feel like a mistake.

My wife eventually found out about it and the downward spiral finally hit. She went through bouts of enormous anger and betrayal. I never blamed her once for it, but at the same time I did nothing to salvage it because I had already resigned to the fact that it was over. My co-worker and I continued to see each other and she would continue to break up and get back together with her boyfriend. I showed this girl the best parts of me and what I had to offer to try and get her away from this guy but she refused. She would say that she was un willing to leave him without knowing THEY made the best efforts at trying to work things out. Of course this would leave me in an absolute depression and completely upset. I didnt know what she wanted anymore and I began to felt as if I was being toyed with and played. As if I was only there to be her happiness when things with him were not working. I was there for her through all her bad times, from her grandfather passing to supporting her through her dependency on pills. But I was always the dirty secret in her life. She would only call me after midnight after she got home from being with her boyfriend and we slept together a total of three times, two of which were when they were broken up, the other when they were still together. Recently she was terminated from my job and on the day she was let go she asked me to see her to once again be there as a show of support and I didn't deny her although i should have. We spoke and I was there for her once again and we shared one last moment and kissed before we parted ways. She promised that she would not forget me. Well a few days pass by and obviously the communication is no longer as prevalent because she is not here, and she writes an e-mail saying that her boyfriend discovered she has e-mail on her phone and that she is removing it to not cause any grief, he didn't see anything though. A few more days pass by and I am feeling down again because she hasn't reached out to me and then I notice she took me off of her friends on face book, once again because i posted nothing suggestive but her boyfriend saw it and didn't like it. She also said that she would appreciate it if I didnt call or text her anymore for now and ended the e-mail saying talk to you soon. How the hell do i take this? At home I'm faced with an angry wife who will not forgive, which is understandable. And I am left alone with no one. I've thought about trying to reconcile and working on it but I am so unhappy in the marriage that I think I'd rather be apart. And then on the flip side I sit home at night waiting for the phone to hopefully ring and it be my affair. No chance, on one end I am hurt because I gave and put so much of my heart into this girl who admittedly told me she loved me and vice versa (but she loved her boyfriend more) and then her actions show that she could care less and dismissed me, and on the other hand my marriage is broken with little or no hope of saving it. I'm depressed as all hell and just wish that she would call me. I feel foolish for wanting her still, I should just let her go. I feel bouts of anger where all i want to do is contact her boyfriend and inform him of everything that transpired but that wont help anything and she would hate me then. The only conclusion i came up with was to let her discover for herself what she has and what she has lost in me and maybe realize it and reach out to me. At home it is what it is and the marriage is ending. I am strictly going to concern myself on being a wonderful father to my children and trying to be a co-parent with my wife. At the end of the day they are our children and I have to work with her for the rest of our lives in raising them. I've realized I can be a good father without being in a marriage and I can be a good father although I was a bad husband. I dont know what the time table is to dating and right now I am unconcerned with that. 

I cant really worry on any of that also because financially we have debt and I don't have the funds to do so. We also own a house together. I dont know of ways to get out of debt and save money to get out. o if anyone has any advice on that front it would be appreciated.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Tough spot to be at. 

You tried to communicate with your wife. And that didn't work. You both tried counseling, but by this time you were already involved with the OW. So, IMO, that was a wasted effort. You should have focused on saving your marriage 100% before getting a third party involved. And if that didn't work , you should have divorced before falling for your girlfriend.

That would have been the ideal scenario. But what's done is done, and you are here now.

Right now it seems you are still in love with your girlfriend. And you are depressed and going through withdrawal. You need to get out of this. Focus on your kids and on yourself. Don't obsess about her. Don't contact her. Try and forget about her. You need to focus on your life. And your life is your kids and your wife. Keep in mind that right now you are still in love with your girlfriend. While you are in this state, you won't see anything positive in your wife, and everything will have been her fault in your eyes. You have to get out of this fog before you can see things rationally. Do you still love your wife? Think about what made you fall in love with her those many years ago.

You have to focus on what's best for your kids. For your kids the best thing is for you and your wife to fix things. To fall back in love. For you to totally forget about your girlfriend. For you to help your wife get past the feelings of betrayal, for you to put in an effort to help your wife forgive you. You have to own up to your actions. And understand that she was not filling your needs, but most likely you were not filling hers. 

You have to rationally assess if your wife can ever forgive you, and if she can give the two of you a chance. And you have to decide if you want to work on your marriage.

If things are past the point where reconciliation with your wife is not going to happen, either because she will never forgive you, or because you are certain that your incompatibilities with your wife are not workable, then you have to focus on the future. 

And in this case, the future would be you and your wife, soon to be ex, divorced, working together to raise and educate your kids, helping them cope with whatever trauma this situation may cause. You both need to work together in isolating your kids from the consequences of your and your wife's actions. So in either case you need to reach an understanding with your wife. She will need to get past the anger of betrayal because of what you did. So you would need to focus on how to help achieve this, regardless if you stay together or not.

About your girlfriend, forget about her, easier said than done, but it is what it is. Fix things with your marriage or end it. And if you end it, in the future, you'll find somebody else.


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Everyone tells me the same thing running and honestly i am the type of person that when more than one person is saying it then I must be the one that is wrong. You're right, I find myself still in love with this girl even though I have been discarded and treated like garbage. I go through moments of anger where I want to send her boyfriend an e-mail telling him what has transpired but it isn't me. I am not vindictive and spiteful. I need to cut her off and forget her but it is so damn hard. Especially with the feelings of loneliness that I am dealing with now. I don't think my wife will forgive me and move on truthfully.

She always told me that if I ever cheated it would be open and shut, no other thoughts about it. I honestly can say that I love my wife but I am not sure because of everything that has happened if I am in love with her. I never saw myself as a cheater, but here I am. I am hurt because I was so damn good to this girl and was there for her through all her negative moments as a pillar of support and she basically gets let go from here at work and decides that she wants nothing to do with me. I wish there was an easy way to just turn that "caring" switch off so that I could just move on.


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## Catmandu (Feb 7, 2011)

Rico, I am sorry that you are going through this. But there is no doubt in my mind that you tried to communicate your needs to your wife and she blew you off. The needs you were seeking are basic, human desires. They are something you cant live without. I made it 9 months before I completely lost my mind and went out looking for someone else, you went for 4 years! That tells me you really were inlove, that you really did give it your best, but in the end, you are a flesh and blood person...
I'm sorry you fell inlove with a 24 year old girl..She's 24. She doesn't know anything and she doesn't have the maturity developed yet to offer you what it is you're looking for. She gave you a piece of it, the sex. Anything beyond that is just not possible. Love...she has absolutely no idea what that word means. That word just rolls of her tounge when she says it to her boyfriend and when she's saying it to you. I'm sure you had a blast with her! But there are a lot of other women out there who are older and ready for something deeper, who can make you happy.

If getting back with your wife is ultimately what you want, good luck. Unfortunately as the one who cheated, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Alone, like an island. That void inside you is deeper than ever. Fill it up hun, with work and accomplishments. Get intouch with God, if you are into that. Find a good church that's not stuffy, but fun to go to and is motivating. Pray for strength every morning, and thank yous for all your blessings every night. Fill it up with things that are solid, because people will never be able to give you everything that you need. I hope things start to look up for you soon


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## Rico (Jul 28, 2010)

Thanks Cat, I want to get her back so desperately now because the fog has been lifted and I've seen the error that I have made. She is adamant in the fact that we are absolutely done. There is no speaking to her anymore. She doesnt want to work things out and doesnt want to be with me anymore. She acknowledges that she neglected me last night and that she drifted away from me and that her thoughts were that when I was coming home from work, she would think about the fact that she was with the kids all day, she was tired from work and that I was coming home and that I would want to be all over her. If I'm guilty of anything it is simply wanting to be with my wife. I told her that I was dealing with this for soooo long and i threw the warnings at her and they went unheeded. Rather than telling me that she had drifted away from me early on, she never communicated it to me and I made the mistake of straying. She could have told me she was feeling this way years ago and I would have done everything to change it. Now I've made the mistake of straying with another woman and my wife wont have any conversations about fixing us.

The OW, you're right she is young and going through her own verbally abusive relationship with a guy that says horrible things to her and she thinks it is love. 

Last night i asked my wife what she thought I should have done after all those years of her ignoring my pleas and she simply said she didnt know. I told her that any basic affection was lacking and that here walks in this girl that showers me with compliments and affection and was making me feel good, what was I supposed to do? 

It just sucks in a big way. For a couple of reasons. This all could have been avoided if she communicated with me. If I knew there was an issue I would have done whatever I could have to make her feel different. Instead she kept on and let us live our lives until I became so unhappy that I ran to someone else. It all could have been avoided if she just spoke to me.

Sad thing is, I love her immensely. I dont want to give up on us but she is steadfast on it never being the same becasue she cant trust me and will always wonder what I am doing in the back of her head. I own my mistake but she won't let me live it down and her thing is she never ran to someone else. Now I have to decide how I am going to navigate through this separation. I want to learn how to be friends and move past this and try and do what is right for my kids. I hope in time she can learn to trust me again because I am not the man that cheated. She said leopards don't change their spots and I told her she was right, I was the committed and faithful leopard from the beginning and all i did was stumble but that this act of betrayal doesn't constitute me as a bad man who is a liar and a cheat.


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