# Here we go



## Here we go (Apr 29, 2011)

My user name says it all

Long story short… married 13 years this June. Living in separation AT home… KILLING ME. I’ll admit, 100% of the separation is my idea. But that said, she says “I understand if you walk away, I have been a terrible wife and I see that, but I won’t ever be again”. My marriage has been pretty terrible since the beginning. She had all these ideals of what a H should be and I suppose I was never it… so the shut down. NO affection essentially ALL our marriage. 5 months ago I told her that I’m miserable and can’t even talk to her without a mediator. So we went to counseling….and still go (separately now) Tons of people are trying to get involved to help “fix me” to make things better… for me to “let go of all the hurt and anger” and “unforgiveness”. We are Christian so you can imagine that I’ve gotten plenty of Pastoral txt’s and phone calls lobbed my way. Bless their hearts… but people think that 13 years of bad marriage, and ZERO affection can just be fixed in a weekend, or by reading a book about Christian marriage.
Fast forward… to now. I’m still at home living on the couch. I have 3 girls 11,8 and 2 months (tough I know). I can’t drive home without having a nervous breakdown. I walk in the door and have to put on a game face and try and be happy. I am constantly greeted by tears and silence. 

I sleep about 10 hours PER WEEK… (not exaggerating ). Lost about 40 pounds in 5 months (can’t eat)… finally on depression meds and getting out and walking as much as possible to clear my mind. It’s sort of ironic; my wife suggested I go tanning to get some vitamin D for depression, coupled with weight loss everyone thinks I’m in the midst of a major MLC…. At 35………… just need the sports car now I suppose. 

I know she thinks my unhappiness is because “he knows he’s not suppose to leave”… Sadly its not. I just feel horrible for her and the kids… it sucks for them. I get that. I TOTALLY do. 
My counselor (a really staunch Christian) even said… “you need to get out!” “whether it’s a weekend/week/year… you need to get out or you will die!” pretty serious words. So I relay this to her… and she decides to book an appointment with my counselor to “better understand “ what is going on… So at least she now knows I wasn’t lying. He told her to “let him go”… “be strong for you so you can be strong for the kids”.

I asked her if we could talk out some details of me moving out… she said “this is all you, your responsibility I want no part in the details.” Income wise its about 75/25 - me being the primary. She waits tables to help ends meet a little more comfortably… Anyways, I write her an email stating my “plan”… she calls back immediately “what the heck?!?! Do you expect me to take care of myself?? This is YOUR undoing” Lost………. So I say that I was just taking responsibility and making a plan… She says “that’s not being responsible”… Lost……….. She can’t possibly take care of the kids and the house and me get an apt. (mind you I would take the kids ½ time AND $950/month in debt and misc. So I said.. well I think we need to sell the house, or rent it out or you may have to work more than 20 hours per week… she says NO!! that’s irresponsible…. LOST

Then I get an email (AS I’m WRITING THIS):
Assuming the girls aren't home in the morning, maybe we can talk then. Please try and be open to compromise. It may not work out or look exactly how you want it to, but we are all going to have to swallow that pill. and FYI, it really hurts when you threaten.

WOW…. Lost. COMPRIMISE?!?! Like sleep on the couch 2 hours a night and continue to eat vomit for breakfast until we can AFFORD something?!?!? She is making ANY shot of this EVER working, harder and harder… I know she’s hurting, but this is just a trial separation…. The harder she makes it.. the more I want out. 

Am I a big giant [email protected]???!?!? I just want a SHRED of happiness before I die.... am i just stringing this along?!?! I don't know if I DO want any sort of reconciliation.


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## Here we go (Apr 29, 2011)

Update…

I have informed the kid’s teachers and counselors that we’re going through a period of separation. I wrote a mass email to friends and family being VERY candid of the separation. I said the decision was on me. I am in marriage counseling with a very good counselor that was our couple’s counselor before I embarked on solo sessions. My marriage counselor told me that he feels, although he never recommends this, that a separation is the only hope in our marriage. 

I feel utterly guilty and ashamed at all times. Is guilt enough to stay?? I have essentially lost my best friend because he was BOTH our friends. He is an elder at a church and gets a little too big for his britches at times and he has been lobbing very hurtful emails essentially saying that I no longer believe in God and that my counselor is wrong. 

I want out so bad and have for years, but the guilt is nearly unbearable. I have found a room for rent about 10 miles from home so I can still be a very active father to our 3 kids. My wife has even told me to go SEVERAL times knowing I’m unhappy…. But now is saying…”all will be better, I’ve let go of the past and have forgiven, I want to start fresh….etc….” But I have NO feelings of affection towards her… just more sadness for what I put her through. 

We’re on month 6 of the “in-house separation” no intimacy in 8-9 months… still can’t eat, sleep, feel…. So perhaps getting out for a few months will make me at least sleep? Is it over? If deep down inside I sort of want it to be? Or do I do the proper Christian thing and die-to-self to make ALL other parties happy but myself???? That’s what got us here in the first place…..My mom says… you have to be happy and if that is alone or gone, then you have to do it.

My kids are handling this very well… they know I’ve been unhappy for a LONG time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well I do wish you luck no matter what.

If you are sold on ending your marriage, file for divorce quick and don't string your wife along. Please understand you just totally crushed her world. Her pain is probably something you can't even fathom.

The person who wants the divorce can't possibly comprehend the left behind spouse's mental chaos/trauma.

So that is why I said make it as quick as possible. Rip it off like band-aid. 

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT string her along in any way/shape/form. That is cruel.

So if you are unhappy, go and try to make it as amicable as possible for the both of you.


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

First, you have to stop letting everyone else tell you what to do. You are the only person who knows how you feel. The people at church (and I have the same problem) are all good at giving advice but have they walked in your shoes. 
It sounds to me like you need a separation right now for your mental health. You can't help your family until you take care of you. This is not a selfish thing. God told us to love others as ourselves. You're not loving yourself very well right now. 

I, too, am a Christian but sometimes the people in our churches are actually more hurtful than helpful. You read your Bible, pray, and continue your relationship with Christ as you feel led to. But don't let them tell you what you "should" and "should not" do. Your direction needs to come from the Lord and your counselor. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Here we go (Apr 29, 2011)

Tempted... exactly what my counselor said. EXACTLY
he said i'm a ridiculous people pleaser and am literally killing myself making everyone else happy and excusing it as unselfishness.

JB... i agree.. and she even asked "are you just going to divorce or what?" I said, I will give it one last go and mean it, but I would brace for impact.... 

MIL is great too... if he divorces you I will make his life a living hell!!!


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## Tempted6119 (Apr 29, 2011)

Here we go said:


> Tempted... exactly what my counselor said. EXACTLY
> he said i'm a ridiculous people pleaser and am literally killing myself making everyone else happy and excusing it as unselfishness.
> 
> JB... i agree.. and she even asked "are you just going to divorce or what?" I said, I will give it one last go and mean it, but I would brace for impact....
> ...


Amazon.com: Approval Addiction: Overcoming Your Need to Please Everyone (9780446577724): Joyce Meyer: Books
This is a wonderful book. I read it on the recommendation of my therapist and I have a problem with wanting to please everyone and seeking approval. I'm learning though and you can too. 

My MIL is what makes divorce tempting. If I could divorce just her, I would. :biggrinangelA:


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