# I am completely lost and don't know what to do



## Chelly (Jun 24, 2011)

Newbie to the forum... really hoping someone will understand what I'm going through and provide me with some words of wisdom, a kick in the pants, or some combination of the two.

My husband and I have been married 10 years. I'm 42, he's 48. After a lot of individual counseling that helped me to understand what was happening in the relationship, I left him briefly last year because of emotional abuse on his part. He was devastated and talked me into coming home, but ever since I came back, all I can think about is being free of him. His verbally and emotionally abusive episodes have lessened in frequency but are still occurring, and I never know when he's going to "lose it" over something. 

Every once in a while he'll "joke" with me about how I left him before. For example, if he sees I'm packing my suitcase for a work trip, he always says, "Oh, are you leaving again?" He also "jokes" about my perception of him being abusive-- when I thank him for doing something nice or not being impatient about something, he sarcastically says, "well, that must be the NEW me." 

He also constantly needs to know where I am and what I'm doing, expects me to keep my cell phone with me at all times in case he needs to reach me, calls me 10-15 times a day at work, becomes suspicious if I don't answer because I'm in a meeting, and even when we're at home watching tv, if I get up to use the bathroom or get a drink, as soon as I stand up, he says, "Where are you going??" in an almost accusatory tone that implies he thinks I'm about to run out the door and never come back. If I'm sitting there reading a book, he interrupts me every few minutes-- "Are you okay? What's wrong?" He needs constant attention. I feel like I cannot BREATHE.

I know the above behaviors could be construed as insecurity on his part, since I left him once before, but he was doing all of that stuff long before I left him-- really for the whole relationship. It feels controlling and overbearing, not insecure. 

And who's the fool for being in this situation? ME! I chose it and every day I stick around I'm choosing to stay. I don't know why.

I am to the point now where I resent the sight of him and I feel like I'm wasting my life-- but I feel so responsible for him that I'm putting his own interests ahead of mine, and so I'm still here. The other thing that keeps me here is that despite everything I've said, when he's in a good mood, everything feels okay and normal. 

He's told me that he would kill himself if I ever left. I do not know how to break out of this cycle. We have no kids, and I feel like if I could just separate from him for a month, I'd be out and I'd be okay, but it's the process of telling him I want to separate that instills total dread in me. I'm so afraid he will show up at my workplace, call me incessantly, show up at my elderly parents' house that is nearby, make my life a living hell during the divorce process... etc. I cannot believe what a coward I am, and I'm starting to hate myself because of my cowardice. 

He was recently laid off, which makes me feel even more trapped, because now he is financially dependent on me as well as emotionally dependent-- though he does have a couple job prospects, so hopefully he'll have a new job soon. I've started drinking-- not a lot, but a glass or two of wine every night, just to forget how I feel. I can't believe my life has disintegrated into this mess where I seem to have no control, no ability to do something for myself, just this total feeling of paralysis.

I don't know what to do, where to begin, how to start. I truly feel like I'm drowning. Has anyone here been in this limbo state? I know what I want to do... I just don't know where that courage will come from.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ok listen-you are NOT responsible for this person. This "I'm going to kill myself" sh't is manipulative and insane as is much of what else you have said about him.

He is doing a smashing job controlling you by fear and intimidation. You need to get the F out of there!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Tell him to knock it off.
Get a second cell phone just for work and personal use.
Turn the first on one only once or twice during the day to check for urgent messages.
If he interrupts your reading constantly and you get up from reading and he asks where you are going, the correct answer is 'out, to a quiet place where I can read without interruption'.
If he makes threats of suicide, you call 911. 
You tell the truth, he threatened to kill himself because you are leaving to go to the library.
Of course he will grab your cell phone when you do this, but no worries, you can use the second one he doesn't know about, on your way to the library (or, to call 911 for yourself if he acts out on you physically).
You don't need fancy vocabulary to deal with this behavior.
Knock it off, & Stop work very well.
You can vary the volume and intonation.
You can even just hold up a hand to him.
Yes, he's still being abusive, in case you need affirmation.

Don't drink. You need to be thinking clearly.
The last thing you need is to end up in a fight and be even one iota over the legal limit.
Plus, if it's a change of behavior for you then that gives him hope of having control. He will know it is an escape and it will only encourage him as a sign that you are losing resolve.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I keep coming back to this post mainly because it infuriates me and I'm already looking for a reason to be pissy.

I was in a similar place some years ago, but not nearly as bad. I felt totally responsible for this man like he was a baby monkey clinging to me everywhere I went. I just ripped that band aid right off and told him I am DONE with him. It was a really horrible few weeks, I'm not going to lie. Lots of crying and begging and him calling my family. You can do it!


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## Chelly (Jun 24, 2011)

The baby monkey analogy made me laugh-- you are so right, that is exactly how this feels! What made you finally say "enough," and how did you do it? Did you plan it ahead of time or just blurt it out and go?

The scary thing is that I didn't even post the worst things he's said or the worst ways he's behaved-- just posted a summary of the overall problem. It's scary to me that I can read back over what I wrote, and think, well, it's a lousy situation, but not nearly as bad as some people's situations.

Actually I think that is a big part of the problem-- I am always trying to quantify how bad it is, i.e., how bad does it have to be to justify leaving? Apparently my tolerance is quite high, and I keep getting sucked back in because in between times he's acting like a total jerk, he will be a perfectly nice guy, and these switches in behavior can occur even within the same day.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Chelly said:


> I am always trying to quantify how bad it is, i.e., how bad does it have to be to justify leaving? Apparently my tolerance is quite high, and I keep getting sucked back in because in between times he's acting like a total jerk, he will be a perfectly nice guy, and these switches in behavior can occur even within the same day.


Perfectly describes my life with my wife..


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Chelly said:


> What made you finally say "enough," and how did you do it? Did you plan it ahead of time or just blurt it out and go?
> 
> Actually I think that is a big part of the problem-- I am always trying to quantify how bad it is, i.e., how bad does it have to be to justify leaving?


For some the bandaid approach worked(stair!), but others found that their decision stuck about as long as they contemplated it. IE: Quickly deciding to leave one day in turn meant quickly returning. Or, once they set a time-frame, made a plan, and then followed through, it actually stuck [This is more of a logical persons plan of action]. Have you actually expressed to him how you feel about his remarks? Like "I want to let you know, that every time you make these 'jokes' about me leaving, it only hurts me. Each time you play 20 questions about where I am or where I am going, no matter how small, it makes me feel badly." ... Notice how I didn't use "it makes me resent you ... it makes me feel controlled" which is more along the lines of what you are feeling, but you need a non-attack approach in order to get honest answers from him.

So if the question is, "How long can you deal with his controlling" nature? People with control issues usually solve them in one way: they lose control. The sad part is it usually takes something with harsh consequences *actually happening* for them to reflect and attempt to change. Can you sit around and await for that situation to magically manifest itself? ...or are you going to be that situation? =/


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## Chelly (Jun 24, 2011)

avenrandom said:


> Have you actually expressed to him how you feel about his remarks? Like "I want to let you know, that every time you make these 'jokes' about me leaving, it only hurts me....
> 
> So if the question is, "How long can you deal with his controlling" nature? People with control issues usually solve them in one way: they lose control. The sad part is it usually takes something with harsh consequences *actually happening* for them to reflect and attempt to change. Can you sit around and await for that situation to magically manifest itself? ...or are you going to be that situation? =/


I have told him, many times, how it makes me feel. His response is always to defend himself, or to tell me I am being oversensitive/ridiculous. Sometimes he says he is sorry, but always with a reason-- "I'm sorry I talked to you that way, BUT [justification...]"

He did lose control of me last year when I left briefly, and when I came back, he cried, he told me he thinks he is a horrible person and he said he will do whatever he needs to do to work on himself to become mentally healthy and never take me for granted. He hasn't done any of the counseling he promised-- he hasn't done anything, other than to "repress" his tendency to indulge his bad moods at my expense. But for the past 6 months or so, his old ways have been coming back more and more. 

The other day, he yelled at me on the phone to "shut up" when I was trying to explain (calmly, rationally, not in a nagging way) why I didn't want to do something that he wanted me to do. His anger went from 0 to 60 during this discussion. Even when he's in a good mood, I am always wondering when an incident like that will occur.


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## ladyinpink (Jun 26, 2011)

Honey you need to LEAVE and leave fast.


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## Houstonian (Jun 2, 2011)

If he comes back, I recommend finding out his schedule, and set up a couple's therapy session. Then tell him you set it up and that both of you going is a non-negotiable. If he cannot attend a forum where at least both of you are present. Then maybe it's time to end the relationship completely.


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## Chelly (Jun 24, 2011)

Houstonian said:


> If he comes back, I recommend finding out his schedule, and set up a couple's therapy session. Then tell him you set it up and that both of you going is a non-negotiable. If he cannot attend a forum where at least both of you are present. Then maybe it's time to end the relationship completely.


You misread my post, he hasn't left. I'm struggling with leaving him.


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

You sound like me. Read my post titled "marriage ambivalence ambivilence".

I think I spent so many years getting to where I literally hated him that even thuogh he's not as bad as he use to be I'm not able to see any good in him anymore. I try to get myself to where I can be open to this so called "new him" but it doesn't work. He still displays alot of his old behavior.

I suppose I can't give you alot of advise cause i'm in the same boat you are. I'm codependent and am currently in therapy to learn to overcome this. Where that leaves he and I - dunno. I suppose i'll have to wait and see. 

I'm sure if you tried to leave he'd cry and beg and plead. After you do it a few times he learns that he has to act this way when your done and another way when he feels secure in the relationship. It's some stupid dance we play.


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