# Not interested in Sex



## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

I have been reluctant to post but it has finally gotten the best of me since my live in SO and I had yet another conversation about this the other night.. We have been together since may 09.. The sex has always been great and usually plenty of it.. 3 or 4 times a week.. We have had our ups and downs in the relationship.. She moved in with me and she moved out a year later because of issues with my child.. She had brief A during that time when we were still trying to figure us out.. Once we figured everything out and she decided to move back in everything was great... Since she has moved back in however she is not interested in sex.. Says its her and not me... Says she is just not interested in sex... I am not totally buying it.. I am older than her and do have some ED issues but I have meds that I use.. But here lately I have just been wasting them... I can understand that she has issues when I can't perform.. I would have those same thoughts... But the fact that she isn't interested makes me think she just isn't interested in me.. She says she enjoys it and likes feeling that close to me when we do make love, but she just isn't interested... Thoughts?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Clearly there is something more here. Not that she is currently betraying you, but something is amiss.

All I can say is to try and get her to open up about it. The answer she is giving isn't the real reason.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

She's interested in sex or there wouldn't have been an affair.

The question is why isn't she interested in sex with YOU.

Time to get in to some serious marriage counseling to repair this disconnect.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> She's interested in sex or there wouldn't have been an affair.
> 
> The question is why isn't she interested in sex with YOU.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> She's interested in sex or there wouldn't have been an affair.
> 
> The question is why isn't she interested in sex with YOU.
> 
> Time to get in to some serious marriage counseling to repair this disconnect.


Agree with this.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> She's interested in sex or there wouldn't have been an affair.
> 
> The question is why isn't she interested in sex with YOU.
> 
> Time to get in to some serious marriage counseling to repair this disconnect.


:iagree: Me three.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Having sex is a direct connection with your partner, she's obviously losing that connection with you, but why? Find that out and you'll have work ahead of you solving that issue/s.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

TCS... We have been in counseling since she moved back in.. I requested that we do that because it was the only way I saw working through the issues we had.. 

It is very perplexing situation to me... She says she likes it when were ARE together.. Unless she is faking she usually has multiple O's.. 

I guess it is something we are going to have to pursue in counseling some more...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope4thebest said:


> TCS... We have been in counseling since she moved back in.. I requested that we do that because it was the only way I saw working through the issues we had..
> 
> It is very perplexing situation to me... She says she likes it when were ARE together.. Unless she is faking she usually has multiple O's..
> 
> I guess it is something we are going to have to pursue in counseling some more...


She has a history of being dishonest. Unfortunately her word isn't reflecting her actions. Normally, our actions and behavior are a lot more honest and telling than our words.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

That is the thoughts that have been running around in my head.. Amongst others as you can well imagine. Our actions always speak louder than our words and right now her actions are telling me that she is not interested in my for anything other than the support that I can give her in day to day living and with her kids...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope4thebest said:


> That is the thoughts that have been running around in my head.. Amongst others as you can well imagine. Our actions always speak louder than our words and right now her actions are telling me that she is not interested in my for anything other than the support that I can give her in day to day living and with her kids...


That's the crux of the issue - you're the security, not the object of passion. She's redirected that type of attention elsewhere - now she needs to direct it back to you.

Give her a time frame to fix it and then create an exit plan. 

Living with this will continue to wear away at your happiness and self esteem. 

Explain it the way you did in your post quoted above. It's clear, direct and honest.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotionally, how are you connecting?


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

I did explain it that way to her and have explain it to both our CC and my IC.. I told her it was almost like she used sex to get back to where she wanted.. All she could say was that "I asked her to come back home".. She never even got really upset or angry about that... 

Emotional connection we have is tell each other we love you.. hold hands while watching tv in bed.. Other then that there is not a lot of emotion from her... I know she has some FOO issues that have never been resolved... I asked her to find and IC but she keeps putting it off...


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Its almost like I have quit smoking cold turkey only we are talking about sex...lol


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope4thebest said:


> I did explain it that way to her and have explain it to both our CC and my IC.. I told her it was almost like she used sex to get back to where she wanted.. All she could say was that "I asked her to come back home".. She never even got really upset or angry about that...
> 
> Emotional connection we have is tell each other we love you.. hold hands while watching tv in bed.. Other then that there is not a lot of emotion from her... I know she has some FOO issues that have never been resolved... I asked her to find and IC but she keeps putting it off...


Do the two of you spend any alone time (without tv, kids, movies) just talking? 

If you've talked about this and she's still not making effort, I'd bail. Especially since the words she's using indicate that she did YOU a favor by coming back instead of realizing you offered her a second chance in the marriage.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

We do spend time together just talking... In fact other than the sex and few other minor issues(mostly involving her children), we have a really good relationship and counseling has been a big help with that... This however is a major sticking point for me...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would be really frank about what you expect out of a marriage and put a time frame around it. 

She's getting her expectations met (security/financial) and it's only fair yours should be met as well.

Why did you want her back? What type of transparency is she offering you to ensure it isn't still happening?


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

I wanted her back because I am in love with her.. When things are good I am very happy.. As for the things she is doing to help me feel safe.. I have access to her tablet, phone, etc... That helps... The sex thing though doesn't.. We have counseling on wed.. So I am looking forward to that... 

Did have a couple moments this weekend that I think hit her hard.. We were out with a single friend of ours and I pointed out a couple guys to her while we were out and she said.. "if I am not attracted to you then I am not having sex with you".. I think my SO heard that and gave her pause for concern.. It also gave me big pause for concerned because I think most people are that way...


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

How often do you have relations?

Did she enjoy sex more with her affair partner and is still thinking about him? 

Is she with you because it's easier for her?


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Before she moved back in we were having relations at least 2 to 3 times a week... Now it is once every week to 10 days.. This past time it was over 2 weeks...

Of course she said the affair was not about the sex.. Said it only happened 3 times and he sucked...etc..etc.. So I am not sure if she is thinking about that or not... 

As to your last question.. There are plenty of times that I have and do think she is with me because I am very good to her and she can take advantage of my good nature... Me saying "no" is something we have been working on in CC and IC..


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Hope4thebest said:


> Before she moved back in we were having relations at least 2 to 3 times a week... Now it is once every week to 10 days.. This past time it was over 2 weeks...
> 
> Of course she said the affair was not about the sex.. Said it only happened 3 times and he sucked...etc..etc.. So I am not sure if she is thinking about that or not...
> 
> As to your last question.. There are plenty of times that I have and do think she is with me because I am very good to her and she can take advantage of my good nature... Me saying "no" is something we have been working on in CC and IC..


Just for reference I can go a week easy. In fact it's been a week and I know I'll get in the mood once we start fooling around, but once a week is fine with me to be honest once every two weeks would be fine with me.

I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with here. Just continue to communicate and talk!

I'm a guy........my wife will say "It's been awhile" and that usually means I need to handle up which sounds so bad, but really if she wanted sex every two weeks I'd be fine with that too.


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