# everything is all my fault of course



## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

im gonna make this very long story as short as possible.



my husband has been grumpy and rude since i met him, when we met he was making good money and being used by everyone around him, mainly his parents, when i came along everybody hated me (and still does) cuz as our relationship grew he foscused on me more and less on them, which meant no more free money. he's always been a little whimp when it came to his parents and standing up to them, he heavily used me as an outlet to get from up under their control, they didn't come to the wedding and that night his mom tried to physically jump on me. well he got laid off that good paying job 2 yrs ago and his moodiness gotten worse.



the last 2 yrs since he's lost that job, we've had a baby and im a SAHM, i've have completely deleted his parents out of my life after many attempts to reconcile, they have only seen our daughter twice, with my husband, i don't communicate with them at all but he does. it would take me all day to list the things they have said and done disrespectful to me personally.



we began couples and individual counseling in Oct 2012 (married in April 2013, we met in 2009) and have since been to 3 different counselors (due to ins changes). his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it. he's never truly stood up to them when it comes to the way they have treated me or him. we live in the south but my mom is from the bay and she's much more open minded than these southern bible thumpers and i got my free mind from her. his dad also has a permanent mistress, so it's wasn't really a happy home.



i'm just a regular woman/wife, i cook, clean, make sure all the business is handled and i take care of the baby plus i'm in school full time, my husband is not making enough money to make ends meet right now but i'm very resourceful so i make it work but i just feel like he is blaming everything on my right now. everything is my fault even down to the most petty things like who ate all the peanut butter, i despise peanut butter so how could it possibly be my fault there isn't enough in the jar for a sandwich? i mean EVERYTHING!



infidelity has been issues in the past on an emotional level, back then i was devastated but now i'm just like if having 'venting' convo with another woman will help you be less moody/grumpy to me then go for it. i'm a social worker/substance abuse counselor so i know people need a healthy outlet, i honestly personally don't think he's ever gotten physical with anyone, so i'm not really concerned about that. he only has like two male friends that he barely talks to. he's not really a talking guy until he gets pissed then he wants to scream, which brings me to why i'm writing this:



i suffered from ppd after having the baby so i got real sensitive, which is unlike me bcuz my mouth is real truthful and sarcastic and just as i can dish it i love to take it but things def shifted after giving birth, i cry a lot now days and around the holidays i was seriously thinking about checking into a rehab facility but i couldn't stand the thought of leaving my baby. i'm staring to think maybe i'm not losing my mind, maybe i've let this man and his family kill my self worth. we have always had a very temperous type of relationship and ive always wished he was more nice but it never made me sad like this.



sex has been a struggle since around 2011, he always acted like it no matter how long we went it was never enough, which turned me waaaaay off, he watches a lot of porn and masturbates almost daily, we don't sleep in the same bed bcuz he hates wearing his machine and he snores so loud that i can hear him thru the wall as i'm typing this.



a few more tidbits, he's the guy i feel in love with when he's intoxicated, which is not very often, i talk/ramble a lot, always have, but now i feel like he hates the sound of my voice, i just feel like he hates everything about me. he's 400+ lbs and i mention that only to say this, when i met him and told him he seemed grumpy all the time he told me everyone tells him that, from work to home to friends, and initially i thought he was depressed due to his weight. i'm 32 he'll be turning 31 next month.



everything i've told you, i've told him, i'm VERY open with my feelings, sometimes maybe a little to open. he knows i'm considering leaving, he knows if i do leave it won't be in hast cuz the only person that will suffer from that will be the baby. i want us to get finically set after i get back to work before we actually try to separate houses. he is very aware i'm considering preparing to end this marriage. we are currently kind of in a 'in house' separation type of marriage, neither of us has the means to move around just yet.



any advice? i'm no longer in love with him but i still love and care for him and either way i'm fine, we can make it work or we can split, i'm no fool i know life goes on and eventually things get settled and a new normal begins. but i think he's given up and i feel it's unfair to me bcuz he claims i'm one with the problem and he's fine, i seriously feel like i'm in the twilight zone. 



the fact that you read this post means the world to me, i just joined but i've lurked for about 2 wks and i'd like to become active on this board bcuz just as i need advice i know others do as well, i hope to help where i can.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No spouse is ultimately responsible for anothers happiness. We make choices either to remove ourselves from a bad situation or stay in that situation. Your H obviously has issues

1. with his family - control by his parents
2. Infidelity ( I assume he cheated you are not clear here)
3. Emotionally abusing you

Only he has the power to change his own circumstances, his weight, his joblessness, his grumpiness, his relationship with his parents, etc. This is not your responsibility. He has no right to blame you for his own stuff. You must tell him this, time he got off his butt and did something about it such as getting IC, going to a gym etc.

As for you, please look after yourself, get some IC, get yourself a job and make plans to move. Do not be guilty about your H, he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own life. You appear to have already held things together for a long time, time to move on. Get away from the abuse and get a normal life, it is better for your kid too.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

aine said:


> No spouse is ultimately responsible for anothers happiness. We make choices either to remove ourselves from a bad situation or stay in that situation. Your H obviously has issues
> 
> 
> 
> ...




thanx for the advice, and to clarify, i considered what he did as cheating bcuz i thought we were being 100% loyal to each other, we weren't supposed to be having outside convo with random people of the opposite sex, (non family and family friends i mean) and he was and i caught him, so i felt betrayed but a few people i consoled with at the time told me it wasn't really cheating since nothing physical happened but i felt it was.

and it's so funny that you say responsible for his happiness, most of our counseling sessions were me trying to get him to be more open and more of a happy person, i once said in a session, 'i feel like i'm spending all my time trying to help him figure out how to be a happy person that i've completed neglected myself." the counselor wasn't very happy to hear that.

i used to schedule private sessions for him and i would tell him, "you don't have to talk to me but please talk to someone, it will make you feel much better." in hopes he'd be happier at home to me.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

@trapsoul First of all,welcome to TAM. Just curious to know what your husband's 'saving grace' was if when you first met him you found,and continued to find him,grumpy and rude. Why push on in that type of relationship?


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

TBT said:


> @trapsoul First of all,welcome to TAM. Just curious to know what your husband's 'saving grace' was if when you first met him you found,and continued to find him,grumpy and rude. Why push on in that type of relationship?


because of the way he was raised he has the kindest heart and will give u the shirt off his back, we enjoyed taking trips and spending private time together, i used to always tell him smile whenever we would be out cuz he always looks so mean.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

* "his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it."*

This to me is about your very different learning experiences. You made your own choices and faced consequences when they were unacceptable. Instills the understanding of personal responsibility. Him,not so much and more of a placating manner,especially when it comes to his parents. It could be where his largesse with them and others comes from and if he's not working/well paid,then he's denied a major coping tool. jmo


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

TBT said:


> * "his childhood home was very dictatived and mine was much more relaxed. i got in trouble when i cutted up but i was able to express myself, respectfully of course, my husband on the other hand was told what to do and when to do it."*
> 
> This to me is about your very different learning experiences. You made your own choices and faced consequences when they were unacceptable. Instills the understanding of personal responsibility. Him,not so much and more of a placating manner,especially when it comes to his parents. It could be where his largesse with them and others comes from and if he's not working/well paid,then he's denied a major coping tool. jmo


your right, when we were dating, i used to tell him i could tell when his bank account got low bcuz he got real moody.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, his communication with other women IS cheating, dont let people tell you otherwise. From what you have described about your H, he is lucky to have woman who has loved him at all, honestly. You cannot change who or how he is. It is clear that he is not happy with himself, but he is the only who can fix it. It sounds like you have made efforts to improve things, now you just need to focus on yourself again. Work on getting things lined up so that you can be on your own.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

trapsoul said:


> i'm no longer in love with him but i still love and care for him and either way i'm fine, we can make it work or we can split, i'm no fool i know life goes on and eventually things get settled and a new normal begins. but i think he's given up and i feel it's unfair to me bcuz he claims i'm one with the problem and he's fine, i seriously feel like i'm in the twilight zone.


You're in a situation almost like limbo and sharing a home is your only recourse at present. You've made your thoughts clear to him and like aine previously mentioned you can't change him or find his own inner happiness for him. That is something he needs to do for himself. You may find doing some of the 180 helpful,if only to help you disengage and find your own footing independent of him. The Healing Heart: The 180

You are 100% correct... life does go on. Our choices however can dictate the quality and happiness of it. Make the right choices for you and your little one.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

trapsoul said:


> also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.


A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him. 

It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him.
> 
> It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.


ooook, let me clarify, i worked until i got pregnant, when i met my husband i was taking care of myself with a full time and part time job, we moved two hours from home bcuz I found a better job in the city with better pay, he worked out of town so our address never affected his job status. i'm sorry u misunderstood my post but i am the exact opposite of what u just described. if i went to work right now it would be just to pay childcare with about 300 extra dollars in the house and we have both decided that's not worth it.

also let me add that i am in college full time and i'm working on multiple degrees in my field, i've received one and i'll be graduating in may, my long term goal is to become a research psychologist.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

trapsoul said:


> ooook, let me clarify, i worked until i got pregnant, when i met my husband i was taking care of myself with a full time and part time job, we moved two hours from home bcuz I found a better job in the city with better pay, he worked out of town so our address never affected his job status. i'm sorry u misunderstood my post but i am the exact opposite of what u just described. if i went to work right now it would be just to pay childcare with about 300 extra dollars in the house and we have both decided that's not worth it.
> 
> also let me add that i am in college full time and i'm working on multiple degrees in my field, i've received one and i'll be graduating in may, my long term goal is to become a research physiologist.


Even so you must not assign all the responsibility for making all the family's money to your husband. Some of that lays on you irregardless of your situation. If your H is unemployed, it is your responsibility to help bring in money while he looks for work. My wife did the same thing to me when I was out of work and it basically killed our marriage.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> A couple things here. He is NOT responsible for making a living, you BOTH are responsible for that. You shouldn't be a SAHM, if the family is having problems financially, you should try to pitch in and get a job. You really sound lot like my wife who thinks she has no responsibilities to family other than making meals and cleaning the house, which she doesn't do. I can certainly see why your H is grumpy and upset, you make him that way. I think it's time for you to start taking on some sort of financial responsibilities and not leave it all to him.
> 
> It seems that you started not being happy with your H when he lost his job. For you, the free ride was over and it was time to get all depressed. Life isn't a free ride, you have responsibilities to the family. Like it or not, you getting back to work seems like a good option.



I agree with this poster. A couple works on the marriage for everyone in the marriage. You took the old roles that worked in the past to heart. You are not all that different than his parents were. Maybe I am wrong and you haven't posted everything here. You are using him that is why you tolerated his grumpiness. He gave you a roof, food, a home and a child. Then, he also gave you the freedom to go back to school. 

Once you are done with school, you will leave him to fend for himself and you and your little girl will make a new life with better options. You honestly used him too. He used you to free himself of his parents and you used him to make a better future for yourself and your baby.

You both served a purpose when you joined each other's lives. The marriage is now pretty much over. It was a marriage of convenience for both of you and once both of you get what you initially wanted from one another, that marriage did what it was designed to do for both of you.

There is no more love left for either one of you, because your "love" of each other was temporary just like the marriage should be.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Even so you must not assign all the responsibility for making all the family's money to your husband. Some of that lays on you irregardless of your situation. If your H is unemployed, it is your responsibility to help bring in money while he looks for work. My wife did the same thing to me when I was out of work and it basically killed our marriage.


he's not unemployed just not getting enough hours, he works in construction. i have worked from home, i sell things online, i do simple virtual assistant stuff from home to bring in a couple hundred dollars a month so i do contribute. and he doesn't look for work, I DO, i do ALL the work for him, his lack of not finding a better job is not due to lack of trying bcuz i make sure the apps and online test get taken, he just is not having any luck, i think his weight gives the impression he's lazy. i got up this morning and told him he could use the computer cuz all my homework is done but he instead decided to take a nap.

and fyi, I DO NOT NAG HIM FOR NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY, I NAG HIM FOR NOT SHOWING AMBITION AND JUST GIVING UP AND BLAMING IT ALL ON ME AS IF IM THE REASON HE GOT LAID OFF.

i need you to step out of your own marriage bcuz tho they may sound similar they are not the same, i'm not just a wife, i work, i have a small side hustle, i contribute as well.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

let me just clarify for everybody that me not working outside the home is only temporary, i am very, very ready to get back to work, it's just not smart financially right now.

this is the first time i've not had a job since i was 16, i believe mom and dad work, money gets saved, vacations get taken and you enjoy life. that's how i grew up.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> I agree with this poster. A couple works on the marriage for everyone in the marriage. You took the old roles that worked in the past to heart. You are not all that different than his parents were. Maybe I am wrong and you haven't posted everything here. You are using him that is why you tolerated his grumpiness. He gave you a roof, food, a home and a child. Then, he also gave you the freedom to go back to school.
> 
> Once you are done with school, you will leave him to fend for himself and you and your little girl will make a new life with better options. You honestly used him too. He used you to free himself of his parents and you used him to make a better future for yourself and your baby.
> 
> ...


i DONT want to leave him, i want us to be the power couple we once were, we BOTH made money and enjoyed life together, times got hard and he begin blaming me for it all.

i'm gonna finish school get a job and that can be with him as my husband or not but that is gonna happen regardless. i've never used my husband, i lived alone when we met and he lived with his brother, i fully took care of myself working full time and part time.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

TBT said:


> You're in a situation almost like limbo and sharing a home is your only recourse at present. You've made your thoughts clear to him and like aine previously mentioned you can't change him or find his own inner happiness for him. That is something he needs to do for himself. You may find doing some of the 180 helpful,if only to help you disengage and find your own footing independent of him. The Healing Heart: The 180
> 
> You are 100% correct... life does go on. Our choices however can dictate the quality and happiness of it. Make the right choices for you and your little one.


wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

trapsoul said:


> i DONT want to leave him, i want us to be the power couple we once were, we BOTH made money and enjoyed life together, times got hard and he begin blaming me for it all.


Now I am confused. You stated the love was gone on your side. You are not a power couple if you don't work and he barely makes ends meet. That may not happen again. The love may never come back again either. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold and let go. 

You can find another partner that is a better match at being a power couple with you. He has fallen behind. You were brought up to fall, get up and dust off. You are still doing this, with his help for now. He is not following your pace. He can't. You two are not compatible, you probably never were.

Not all marriages are til death due us part. In fact, the majority can't be that way because it's not the norm but the exception IMO.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

trapsoul said:


> wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.


I definitely think that you need to pull back a bit and stop doing some of these things for him. Do you feel more like a mother to him than a wife? 

You said that he lacks ambition. Is that the same thing as lazy? And how does that make you feel admitting that he's lazy? I know I'd be really resentful and wouldn't have any respect.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Now I am confused. You stated the love was gone on your side. You are not a power couple if you don't work and he barely makes ends meet. That may not happen again. The love may never come back again either. Sometimes you just have to know when to fold and let go.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i'm open to anything, i feel nothing is permanent, i'm not in love at the moment but if he gets it together we can work it out cuz i still love and care for him, i know this bcuz i still want to sit and watch tv with him, i still like to go sit by the lake and enjoy each other, i still have the DESIRE to make it work with him but my wanting so much internal happiness for him may be doing more damage to my own happiness.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I definitely think that you need to pull back a bit and stop doing some of these things for him. Do you feel more like a mother to him than a wife?
> 
> 
> 
> You said that he lacks ambition. Is that the same thing as lazy? And how does that make you feel admitting that he's lazy? I know I'd be really resentful and wouldn't have any respect.




i joke with my mom all the time and say i am a mother to a toddler and a surely teenager that i have to do everything for, even make sure he wakes up on time in the am when he does have work.

i'm a caregiver at heart so it doesn't make me resentful bcuz i enjoy taking care of people esp him and our daughter but it makes me angry that with all i do all i get is grumpiness from him. i just want him smile and enjoy being us, all the money issues will fix themselves once we both get back to being normal full time working americans. 

at least that's was my brain tells me.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

trapsoul said:


> i'm open to anything, i feel nothing is permanent, i'm not in love at the moment but if he gets it together we can work it out cuz i still love and care for him, i know this bcuz i still want to sit and watch tv with him, i still like to go sit by the lake and enjoy each other, i still have the DESIRE to make it work with him *but my wanting so much internal happiness for him may be doing more damage to my own happiness.*


Spot on on the bold part. Sometimes, you just gotta save yourself. You have a child to think about now too. 

There is no right or wrong answer really, just life choices. You didn't cheat and you are still there trying, but you have to live a happy fulfilled life too. Living apart forever may be the only choice you will ultimately have.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Spot on on the bold part. Sometimes, you just gotta save yourself. You have a child to think about now too.
> 
> 
> 
> There is no right or wrong answer really, just life choices. You didn't cheat and you are still there trying, but you have to live a happy fulfilled life too. Living apart forever may be the only choice you will ultimately have.




i really appreciate all your help.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

trapsoul said:


> i joke with my mom all the time and say i am a mother to a toddler and a surely teenager that i have to do everything for, even make sure he wakes up on time in the am when he does have work.
> 
> i'm a caregiver at heart so it doesn't make me resentful bcuz i enjoy taking care of people esp him and our daughter but it makes me angry that with all i do all i get is grumpiness from him. i just want him smile and enjoy being us, all the money issues will fix themselves once we both get back to being normal full time working americans.
> 
> at least that's was my brain tells me.


There's a point though where you cross a line from being a nurturer to being an enabler. It bothers you that he's not ambitious yet you're enabling that very behavior. Scale back on what you're doing for him. While it may make you feel good, it's actually hurting his growth. 

Does the weight bother you? 

Welcome to TAM, btw


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> There's a point though where you cross a line from being a nurturer to being an enabler. It bothers you that he's not ambitious yet you're enabling that very behavior. Scale back on what you're doing for him. While it may make you feel good, it's actually hurting his growth.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




not at all i'm considered a women with curves so i like a man with some meat as well. he weighs about 430lbs now but in high school when i used to crush on him from afar he was about 250-275 and that is really more my type but none of that really matters, i've never really been very vain. 

enabling is a VERY good point, i never looked at it that way but each time i try to make him do his own things i feel bad, idk.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Since you are in the counseling sector, I'm sure you'll take this as the third-person observation it's intended to be.

In your posting, you labeled him a "whimp" and basically described his reasons for marrying you as basically using you...to get out from under his family, etc.

So, what were your reasons for marrying him? What appealed? Do you still see that in him? I ask these questions because at some point, you need to be able to articulate what it is you want that you are not currently getting - and it is probably related to something you thought you were getting back then but aren't now.

I'll comment on one thing you said - you nag him for not showing ambition. Two things there - "ambition" is a vague word unless you very specifically identify what you mean by it. If "ambition" means attempting to earn more money, then to him it will sound no different than being nagged about not earning enough - the result is the same. Secondly - nagging. Just don't. Nagging people, blaming them (or accepting blame), giving them orders and ultimatums (do this or I'm filing) just don't work...the statistics are out there...IIRC the Love Lab gave a marriage only a 5% chance of lasting 5 years (based on actual statistics from 100,000 or so couples) if either party nags, blames, etc.

On the money side of things, in my two longest-term relationships, the way we resolved money problems was to figure out how spend a lot less. It's always possible.

Best of luck.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> Since you are in the counseling sector, I'm sure you'll take this as the third-person observation it's intended to be.
> 
> In your posting, you labeled him a "whimp" and basically described his reasons for marrying you as basically using you...to get out from under his family, etc.
> 
> ...


i agree with the naggin and i'm honestly working on it.

when i say ambition i simply mean when there is no work on thursday at his construction job then call the delivery place and see if they have a few loads you can run for them today, you know odd fill in jobs on days he not getting hours at his main job.

i once worked a full time job and two part time jobs and the only heartbeats depending on my income was mine and my puppies. i do what is needed to make sure business is taken care of and im not seeing the same in him even after i sat and talked with him about these things in june of 2016 and nov of 2016, i checked with the delivery companies and they said yes they could use a drop in person for unexpected delivers so i don't understand why he hasn't done it, i even mentioned driving for uber, he has an active cdl with hazmat and tanker endorsements so his job options are almost endless as things will always need to be driven and delivered places but he says he's not a truck driver and he's not doing that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

trapsoul said:


> also i've been responsible for finding him a job, i do everything that can be done online and he shows up for the interviews and drug tests. i'll be handing that responsibility back to him.


I think you have enabled him long enough. There comes a point where enough is enough, he is not a teenage boy who has gone of the rails, he is a grown ass man, with a wife and kids. Time he stepped up to the plate and did something with his life, the longer you do everything for him the longer it will be before he does anything for himself, further, he doesn't even appreciate what you do. Time to exercise tough love, God nor anyone else asked you to be a doormat.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

trapsoul said:


> when i say ambition i simply mean when there is no work on thursday at his construction job then call the delivery place and see if they have a few loads you can run for them today, you know odd fill in jobs on days he not getting hours at his main job.


As I see it, then, this definition of "ambition" is about bringing in more money. It's not about improving one's self, connecting more strongly to community, learning a new skill. He'll see it this way too - there's nothing "self actualizing" about making deliveries, it's the kind of thing you do only for more money.

Money really isn't a very good motivator, as shown by countless studies over the years.

"Ambition" is a word usually used for a higher cause than mere materialism. 

It seems what you want isn't "ambition", it's an easier family budget to balance. Nothing wrong with that goal, but equating it to "ambition" will come across to many as disingenuous.



trapsoul said:


> i once worked a full time job and two part time jobs and the only heartbeats depending on my income was mine and my puppies. i do what is needed to make sure business is taken care of and im not seeing the same in him even after i sat and talked with him about these things in june of 2016 and nov of 2016, i checked with the delivery companies and they said yes they could use a drop in person for unexpected delivers so i don't understand why he hasn't done it, i even mentioned driving for uber, he has an active cdl with hazmat and tanker endorsements so his job options are almost endless as things will always need to be driven and delivered places but he says he's not a truck driver and he's not doing that.


This entire paragraph makes it sound as if you need him to be the same person as you. That never works. Everybody is different; a strong relationship comes from honoring and respecting our differences. He isn't you. He never will be. Comparing yourself to him only demeans him.

Find another way...maybe instead of telling him what to do, ask him what motivates him. "If you're not a truck driver, what are you?" If it's construction, maybe he can find a smaller company that needs part-timers from time to time. Speak to what motivates him - not what motivates you. The only way to get someone on your side is to first move to their side and then show them the pathway over.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

From your post it seems that you two should not be married. Marriage should not be hard and your weeks filled with visits to a MC or infidelity worries. I read some of the posts here and ask myself, why do they even ask about their marriage when it sounds like a train wreck already. There is a saying, it is time to cut bait and run. You are entitled to a happy life and no way are you going to get that in your marriage. Counselling is often a stepping stone to avoid the harsh truth that you two should divorce. You think that maybe if you change or he changes, life will be great. Adults do not change their basic nature and people who cheat tend to keep on cheating. I know that from my own experience and that of others I have known. It really sounds like your marriage is a coffin and you are just putting the nails in one at a time and very slowly at that. Sorry but your marriage is unlike any I know of with my friends, even the ones who divorced. Way too much effort is required and you are getting nowhere.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

trapsoul said:


> wow i've never heard of 180 but after reading it, it is exactly what i've been doing this week! that was a wonderful read, thanx for the rec.


Did you read what that 180 is for? It for a betrayed spouse to do until their wayward spouse agrees to stop the affair and work on recovering their marriage.

Now I do think that that your husband is cheating with EAs (emotional affairs) at the very least. While you might think he would never physically cheat, you are not being realistic. The thing about EAs is that many end up transitioning into PAs (physical affairs). The reason is that the EA makes a person feel good, really good. It causes the brain to make and uptake a lot of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. They become bonded and fall in love with their EA partner.

The fact that he is now treating you as though he does not like you is a huge pointer to him being attached to another woman. It is a very common sign of an affair.

Where does he meet these women that he 'talks to'?


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Where does he meet these women that he 'talks to'?


old classmates/family friends, i either know them or of them, we grew up in a 'small' city.


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

DustyDog said:


> As I see it, then, this definition of "ambition" is about bringing in more money. It's not about improving one's self, connecting more strongly to community, learning a new skill. He'll see it this way too - there's nothing "self actualizing" about making deliveries, it's the kind of thing you do only for more money.
> 
> Money really isn't a very good motivator, as shown by countless studies over the years.
> 
> ...


first i want to say thank you so much for this advice.

you're right he's not me, i guess i just expected him to be and those are things in myself i must work on, which is why i don't want to just give up, we are both still young and have time to get this right, i just don't know how.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

trapsoul said:


> first i want to say thank you so much for this advice.
> 
> you're right he's not me, i guess i just expected him to be and those are things in myself i must work on, which is why i don't want to just give up, we are both still young and have time to get this right, i just don't know how.


I think that's quite insightful - you want to make things better and are willing to admit you don't know how. It's very hard to see what is going on when you're one of the participants. I used to think I was pretty good at relastionships - after all, for 30 years, my managers routinely sent me in to solve people problems. But seeing people interact when you're an outsider is WAY different. 

When my wife and I started seeing a counselor, the counselor was able to show me many parts of my approach that could be better.

BTW, that's another thing I've realized - absolutes, like "good", "bad", "right", "wrong" - usually don't help...they end up making one or the other person feel guilty, which is one of those unpleasant emotions that does not compel one to action. So, I'd tend to set a goal of "doing better" instead of "getting it right". I've never gotten anything right in life, but I still consider myself a success.


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