# My friend seems to be a 'know it all mother to be'!



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

My work colleague/friend is doing my head in.

We are both pregnant with our first child. She is a month further a head.

I will be talking to her about baby stuff, making comments like 'how can we tell if.....' , the thing is she knows I'm not really asking but she'll reply with a serious answer. She's getting really patronising but I don't know if she realises. It's happening quite a few times everyday now, It's getting to the point I don't want to say anything. Even my husband is laughing at how she is in her texts.

She has a little toddler cousin that she used to watch quite regular so because of this she seems to be a know it all. I little nieces I watched when they were kids but I'm still terrified of the responsibility of my own little one.
We used to talk about how we would go round to each other's house whilst on leave from work but I'm starting to think that will be a nightmare. She'll have me thinking I'm doing things wrong if there not the same way as her


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

You will run into many parents like this. Ultimately, our collective (Ms. Spin and I) response is to force a smile, know that regardless of how annoying they may be, their heart is in the right place and at least they actually care about their kids. And after you’ve run in to a few of the latter (and boy will you) the Know-it-all Mom will be a little more tolerable.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

The annoying thing is she isn't a mother herself yet! She's in the same boat as me. I used enjoy talking to her about things but recently I just want to point out how annoying she's being.

But I dont...I hold myself back, which is getting harder.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

ooooh, the know-it-all mom. There are so many of them. My own Mom was the worst. 

It gets really hard to keep your mouth shut. Lots of deep breathing, counting silently in my head, thinking about puppies, turns out it is good preparation for teenagers who also seem to know it all.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

KI0159 said:


> The annoying thing is she isn't a mother herself yet! She's in the same boat as me. I used enjoy talking to her about things but recently I just want to point out how annoying she's being.
> 
> But I dont...I hold myself back, which is getting harder.


LOL, I had to laugh because this reminds me so much of me when I was pregnant. At work, the older ladies (although well meaning) would give me ridiculous out dated advice. Then I had my SIL (who didn't have any kids) try to tell me how to take care of a baby. Then you have the strangers out in public saying dumb a$$ $hit out of their mouths. People can become really annoying when you're pregnant & rightfully so.

It was becoming really hard for me to hold my tongue. But then I got to thinking, why am I allowing these people to piss me off so much? So when people gave me their unwanted opinions, I would say to myself "consider the source". That helped me a lot when I would get annoyed. I say do the same with the co-worker. Anytime she says something as if she is the messiah of baby rearing, chuckle to yourself internally & say "consider the source". 

I will say this, be prepared when the baby is born. Those opinions will get worse.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I really valued a lot of the advice that I received when I was pregnant. The way I looked at it, everyone has an opinion, so I should listen to them and if I need to use that method, well great, if not, oh well. 

When people said things to me, I would be polite and say, thank you, I will keep that in mind. 

As for your friend being condescending, is it the hormones? When I was pregnant I was a raging b****.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> ooooh, the know-it-all mom. There are so many of them. My own Mom was the worst.
> 
> It gets really hard to keep your mouth shut. Lots of deep breathing, counting silently in my head, thinking about puppies, turns out it is good preparation for teenagers who also seem to know it all.


:iagree:

You'll come across a number of "know-it-all" moms and they will let you know what you "should" be doing. Eventually, you'll learn to just let it go in one ear and out the other. 

I have known a few know-it-all moms who have told me my parenting is "wrong", but every family is different and you have to do what is best for your family. There is always the debate on formula feeding vs breastfeeding, vaccinate vs not vaccinating, working mom vs SAHM, and so on. Everyone has an opinion on it, but just do what you feel is best.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Pregnant Women are Smug by Garfunkel and Oates: The Official Video - YouTube

(nsfw)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Just wait. You will know your kid way better than she knows your kid. Only mummy can really tell when their precious is going to take a poo, or which fish in the aquarium gets them all squealing. There's no way she can be more expert on your own kid than you.
Don't worry about it.

As for now, change the conversation. Talk about mothers and mothers-to-be and even fathers that are not you and not your friend. Talk about them instead, and make the conversation more about what you observe them doing that works (or blatantly doesn't) and leave all the murky stuff aside. Or comment on the uniqueness of the child or individual involved. i.e. a mother who is deaf, a father who has the use of only one arm...a couple who do not own a car and will be taking the bus or walking, that bald baby whose mum hasn't put a hat on it, or worse, put a cap with strings that are too long (choking hazard.) 

Don't make it about you, which is really hard to do, cause when you're pregnant, it really is all about you (until the baby is born then you're left with your ultrasuper sanitary pads and afterpains and it's all about the baby.) 

And steer it away from being specifically about her, too. 

I was lucky, with my first child there were 5 of us expecting, and we formed a club, which we named, and we had regular meetings where everyone got a chance. Our Q&A was mostly at our midwife checkups, which were done in a group setting. So the midwife usually answered, and from a position of knowing. We all compared notes. We were within a few months of each other. And all had different deliveries as we dispersed to different countries to give birth and then came back to where we were. And resumed our club. Where we all decided we were clueless and discussed all the tips we learned from our nannies, who all knew better than us! lol.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

JustTired said:


> LOL, I had to laugh because this reminds me so much of me when I was pregnant. At work, the older ladies (although well meaning) would give me ridiculous out dated advice. Then I had my SIL (who didn't have any kids) try to tell me how to take care of a baby. Then you have the strangers out in public saying dumb a$$ $hit out of their mouths. People can become really annoying when you're pregnant & rightfully so.


I had all that too, then I went to a neighboring country and stayed for 2 months for the birth, which took all of 20 minutes and 15 of that because I had to wait for the doctor to (sort of) suit up. He finally decided to wash his hands and put on a mask :rofl: No pain meds, 8 1/2 pound baby. When I went back to my host country, nobody said much of anything any more.  I was the Birthing Queen. (I'm sure there were snide comments about my big tw*t or something along those lines though.)


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I had all that too, then I went to a neighboring country and stayed for 2 months for the birth, which took all of 20 minutes and 15 of that because I had to wait for the doctor to (sort of) suit up. He finally decided to wash his hands and put on a mask :rofl: No pain meds, 8 1/2 pound baby. When I went back to my host country, nobody said much of anything any more.  I was the Birthing Queen. (I'm sure there were snide comments about my big tw*t or something along those lines though.)


:lol::rofl:

Man, you're lucky with a 20 minute labor!! I was pushing for 2.5 hours to get my posterior daughter out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

JustTired said:


> :lol::rofl:
> 
> Man, you're lucky with a 20 minute labor!! I was pushing for 2.5 hours to get my posterior daughter out.


Lucky is what it was all about. Seems to be my hidden talent in life as I was never much good at sports. I am small, about 5'2" and normally about 100 pounds. 

Had the same luck with #2 and #3 not taking much longer than that, however #3 had shoulder dystocia and required a maneuver and an aggressive push on my part. We got her out on the first of 20 possible maneuvers, and I broke her collarbone in the process, to good ends. 

Seriously, I think Lamaze/birth classes should focus more on various presentations and maneuvers, various equipment and what various medical personnel do, and the importance of being able to stay in control, also go over Rx pain options and pay attention to the C-Section procedures as it's always a possibility.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> You will run into many parents like this. Ultimately, our collective (Ms. Spin and I) response is to force a smile, know that regardless of how annoying they may be, their heart is in the right place and at least they actually care about their kids. And after you’ve run in to a few of the latter (and boy will you) the Know-it-all Mom will be a little more tolerable.


Planning what you're going to do with your kids before you have them is a lot like a plan for battle: it all goes out the window as soon as the first shot is fired. At that point all you can do is hang on and pray you don't screw up too badly.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would take solace in the (one can almost guarantee) fact, that your friend will soon be quite humbled about her knowledge once her baby arrives. 

Most of the things that I "knew" when pregnant went out the window with baby #1. Many of the things I "knew" about babies/parenting having experience with son #1 also went out the window with baby #2 because all children are different. I have had to and do parent each child a little differently in some regard. Of course, basic needs - a clean diaper, baths, feeding, sleeping, being held, loved and played with are all the same... the intricacies of how they needed those things done were/are different. As my youngest ages, I'm sure discipline will differ as well. 

I think very few things about parenting are down to a science. Many of them are trial and error and come from your experience in caring for/raising that particular child. You will find out what works for you and your child and that is all that matters.

If you must say something, I would say that you respect her opinion but your experience with those things in your pregnancy are different. The same with her parenting plans. Tell her that's great for her but not how you'd like to do it or what will work with your family. Then change the subject. Otherwise, smile and nod and visualize hitting her on the head with a frying pan (whatever works lol). 

You will have to get used to unsolicited advice though from friends, strangers, family members etc. My youngest refused to wear a hat all summer long. I had elderly people - men and women alike coming up to me asking where his hat was all the time. I just smiled and nodded, knowing that short of stapling it to his head he wasn't going to wear a hat and would Houdini out of it anyway. Of course he wore sunscreen and I kept the shade up on the stroller - he was fine!

So just do what works for you. Take what you need, leave the rest.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Even though I have 6 kids.. and when 1st pregnant.. I was like an eager learning student I wanted to KNOW EVERYTHING.. I wanted to be the most prepared Mother...

The truth was.. I hardly babysat in my life..only 2 younger boys down the road... I think our 1st son was the 2nd baby I ever held even!..... I got lots of advice... I didn't really mind.. I wanted to drink it up and I asked questions along the way too....

But in addition I was an avid reader while pregnant ..I devoured everything imaginable to be prepared....so my baby would be happy & healthy...I would not allow myself to make any mistakes here -nothing in this world is more precious. 

I knew all about temps, shots, the risks, what color baby stools meant, fevers, soft spots, what colic is, signs of this , that, jaundice , what it means..... I wasn't a know it all outwardly -because when I seen THIS in others, it does come off rather distasteful...I wouldn't want to be seen like that.. "Pushy...a know it all". 

Also it was very evident.. not every Mom does things the same..and that's OK... but if someone asked me their thoughts.. I was more than happy to share.. 

Every Family is different ...some moms sleep while their babies sleep & "Shhhhh" the household, some don't care if they are tired, but allow them to get used to noise, some breast feed, some don't , some give binkys, some never would, some baby proof & use gates , some may feel that is too confining,, some use cloth, most don't....does any of it really matter if the baby is giggling, healthy & thriving... 

I say NOT!... don't make a mountain out of a molehill when it just doesn't really matter.. if the H has issues with what the wife is doing, that's another animal.. but as friends.. Let us learn from each other.. we don't have to do it all the same.. 

I think the most annoying advice I got was from those insisting I had to breastfeed.. Oh I tried it.. but I didn't like it.. I wasn't breastfed baby & I was always healthy.... I didn't listen, I used bottles.. and It was good.. no regrets.. 

If met with " All knowing " advice.. just give your 2 cents in response to how you do it your way.. that's how I'd handle.. if they then try to push after you have shared.. then it's pretty annoying .. true... but try to bear with some of them.. I think as SpinDaddy said.. their







is in the right place..


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

While I was in the years of having our 4 children, I learned the one answer you can give to anyone giving unsolicited advise is "That's interesting!" 

Saying "That's interesting" does not mean you agree with the advice. It doesn't mean you disagree. It doesn't lead them to try to convince you further. You can be thinking that it is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard but it is still interesting (how anyone in their right mind could even advise that). Or it can mean that it is something that might have merit and I may even research it more since it is interesting.

So... If faced with the barrage of unwanted advice, just remember the phrase "That's interesting!" It can come in handy!


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