# So upset!



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Well.... I was looking through my h's computer tonight and i found porn.. I asked him about it and he played dumb. Then he put everything on me. The last time i found it i told him if i find it again i am gone. He knows how i feel about it. We haven't had sex in almost 2 months. He said i dont look at that ****... then how did it get there... He cant blame his 19 year old son for it now.. He no longer lives here... I wonder what else he has been lying about... I am so hurt over this.. 

I called my mom tonight and asked her if my son and I can stay with her and her h for a bit, until i can get on my feet and get a job (i am a stay at home mom.) And get some money saved up so i can get a place of my own... This is going to kill my 2 year old son... I have been home with him since the day he was born.. I am torn to pieces, but i cant continue to live like this anymore. 

You guys are the only ones i have to talk to (sad i know)


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

ladybird said:


> We haven't had sex in almost 2 months.


That's probably why he watches porn, you aren't doing it enough.

I think alot of women only see the bad aspects of porn, yes he is looking at other people having sex but it's not like he would have sex with them irl. 

In alot of marriages the wife is usually too tired or jaded to have sex every day, and porn can atleast take some off the load of you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Brian. said:


> That's probably why he watches porn, you aren't doing it enough.
> 
> I think alot of women only see the bad aspects of porn, yes he is looking at other people having sex but it's not like he would have sex with them irl.
> 
> In alot of marriages the wife is usually too tired or jaded to have sex every day, and porn can atleast take some off the load of you.


No! i am the one who wants sex more then once every 2 months. I would like a minimum of once a week. I am never to tired.. I have also never told him NO! I want sex and he knows it.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

can you explain why you see porn so bad that you would end your marriage for him looking at it? It just seems awfully extreme.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lost soul said:


> can you explain why you see porn so bad that you would end your marriage for him looking at it? It just seems awfully extreme.


Perhaps because she's not getting the intimacy she needs, mainly because he's busy spanking the monkey rather than being with a real woman?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you told hiim you want to have sex more? Every two months sounds like a sexless marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ladybird,

In my opinion, your marriage is not healthy at all. 

You want sex, he needs sex, but he would rather look at porn and have his needs met by masturbating, I guess. 

Does he resent you? 

And because you don't work, he is in control of you financially. 

I won't walk out of his house now. I will plan everything secretly. I will leave him for sure if he doesn't become nice to me, but I will do this secretly. 

Work on myself, get a job, get my self confidence back, then walk out on him one day.................................


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Ladybird,
> 
> In my opinion, your marriage is not healthy at all.
> 
> ...


walk out? that's not the first step. how about marriage counseling to see what the real issues are? obviously a guy who prefers porn (and probably masturbation) to his wife indicates there more than just porn wrong in the marriage.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> walk out? that's not the first step. how about marriage counseling to see what the real issues are? obviously a guy who prefers porn (and probably masturbation) to his wife indicates there more than just porn wrong in the marriage.


Communication is usually a big problem for troubled marriages. 

I agree with you, they should go to a marriage councilor who is pro to marriage first, but the husband has to be willing to do it!

Ladybird has been frustrated about their sex life for a long time.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

If you ask me, the problems in this marriage have nothing to do with sex or porn.

The two of you need to work on the relationship, communication, and honesty.

Don't try to make this about the sex or porn. Those are just excuses that will make both of you bitter and hateful towards each other.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

it-guy said:


> If you ask me, the problems in this marriage have nothing to do with sex or porn.
> 
> The two of you need to work on the relationship, communication, and honesty.
> 
> Don't try to make this about the sex or porn. Those are just excuses that will make both of you bitter and hateful towards each other.


:iagree:
So true. These are just effects of a deeper cause. Talk, and dig deep, then talk some more. If one refuses to talk about it... That's the end of it! But give it some time. A year of effort is worth a lifetime of happiness.


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I hate this for you. I also agree with others that it's not about the porn. I think it's about the secrecy and the lack or respect for your feelings about the subject. He has lied to you and said he wouldn't do it again. You have also been very clear about the consequences if he views porn again. Obviously, porn has a huge hold on him that even makes him risk losing you. I don't understand it at all but agree with you in leaving. I can't stay in a relationship if I don't trust the person I am married to.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm surprised at the amt of people who are putting this off on lady bird. 

Your husband has a problem, it's not your fault. Maybe it's porn addiction or maybe he has other issues, but whatever it is, don't feel as if it's your fault. The posters putting it off on you probably don't understand addiction. 

Also if he crossed a line that you can not forgive right now then by all means move out. Perhaps if he has to face what he is likely to lose then he will take seriously and get some help.

Good luck ladybird.


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## Rosie123 (Sep 5, 2011)

Definitely not Ladybird's fault that hubby chooses to watch porn! But there are obviously things that are bothering him as well. But can't find out what the root of the problem is if you don't talk / only fight about the porn. =-/ It's hard.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yes, fighting about porn has gotten them no where so far. It will only make it worse. Try to dig deeper.


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## NewlyWedMomy (Sep 10, 2011)

Ladybird... I totally understand how you feel! My hubby RARELY likes to have sex and I am like wanting it twice a day!!! He's happy with doing it once a week and "claims" (since we met) that he's not a sexual person... I found porn on his phone a few months back and confronted him about it and like your H he denied it... REALLY!?! Come on, we aren't stupid!

I agree with you leaving cause to me if you aren't a sexual person... WHY LOOK AT PORN!!! I totally understand how you feel hun.

About your son... he will adapt to whatever you have to do! It will be hard in the begining but EVERYTHING is hard in the begining. You have to look out for the best interest for you and your son! I never stay with a man souly because he provides with money or because you have a child together... you are hurting your son even more by staying! Do what's best for YOU and your SON! 

Being a single mother isn't the worst thing in the world! You can do it!!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lost soul said:


> can you explain why you see porn so bad that you would end your marriage for him looking at it? It just seems awfully extreme.


He CHOOSES that **** over me.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you told hiim you want to have sex more? Every two months sounds like a sexless marriage


I have many many times... I am always the one to bring it up. I have told him that we do not have sex enough and that i want more.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> walk out? that's not the first step. how about marriage counseling to see what the real issues are? obviously a guy who prefers porn (and probably masturbation) to his wife indicates there more than just porn wrong in the marriage.


I have tried to fix our marriage alone, for the last 2 years. I have voiced my concerns and my opinions to him. He will not talk to me. I have tried. I am a complete and utter ****ing mess.. He doesnt care about my feelings or concerns. I really doubt he will go to counseling as he says nothing is WRONG! He is a selfish ******* who only thinks of him self. What planet is he from becasue it is not the same planet i'm on


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> Perhaps because she's not getting the intimacy she needs, mainly because he's busy spanking the monkey rather than being with a real woman?


Yup that is about it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> If you ask me, the problems in this marriage have nothing to do with sex or porn.
> 
> The two of you need to work on the relationship, communication, and honesty.
> 
> Don't try to make this about the sex or porn. Those are just excuses that will make both of you bitter and hateful towards each other.


How can we work on our relationship when he has shut me out... I don't know what i have done. He is unwilling to help us. I have tried everything and it has done nothing but bite me in the ass. 

I am tired of hurting, feeling alone, unwanted, unloved. We haven't spoke since last night. He hides in the bedroom like a child. 

It is way to late. I resent him. I have become so bitter towards him already... We have way to many unresolved issues that he thinks will go away!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Rosie123 said:


> :iagree:
> So true. These are just effects of a deeper cause. Talk, and dig deep, then talk some more. If one refuses to talk about it... That's the end of it! But give it some time. A year of effort is worth a lifetime of happiness.


I have done this the last 2 years... How much longer am i supposed to hold on to nothing. I can not make it another year!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Yes, fighting about porn has gotten them no where so far. It will only make it worse. Try to dig deeper.


I cant dig deeper he will not let me in. He is not talking.. He makes me look like a fool


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

NewlyWedMomy said:


> Ladybird... I totally understand how you feel! My hubby RARELY likes to have sex and I am like wanting it twice a day!!! He's happy with doing it once a week and "claims" (since we met) that he's not a sexual person... I found porn on his phone a few months back and confronted him about it and like your H he denied it... REALLY!?! Come on, we aren't stupid!
> 
> I agree with you leaving cause to me if you aren't a sexual person... WHY LOOK AT PORN!!! I totally understand how you feel hun.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

How do I dig deeper??


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Ladybird,

What the two of you have right now are some major walls between you. Like I said before, this has nothing to do with sex or porn. There is something else that has caused this all, and the sex and porn are symptoms. Although I will admit that the sex and porn are issues in themselves that are indeed making it worse.

You just mentioned that you resent him. Here is the problem with that. Because you resent him, you are going to now stop trying or shut him out. Resenting him is going to cause you to make decisions about your relationship and each other differently that you would if you were doing great. These are all going to be negative.

Now, I’m going to assume that at this point he resents you as well. Do you see what is happening here? You are stuck in a cycle that is only going to get worse and worse.

How do I know this??? Because this just happened to my wife and I. It wasn’t about porn or sex necessarily (although sex did suffer as a side effect). But we built up those same walls that you and your husband have built. We were not going to effectively communicate. I was not going to tell her that I wanted to have sex more, and that I was a stupid guy who got his feelings hurt and felt unloved. And my wife was not going to tell me that she wanted me to spend more time with the family and this made her feel unloved. We were just going to feel unloved and start resenting each other for different reasons.

You go a couple years like this and something will happen. You could walk out on him. He could walk out on you. My wife cheated on me, and fell in love with some guy that only wanted to get in her pants.

Now we have to rebuild what we messed up over the years and we will both have to carry her affair on our backs for the rest of our lives.

I was fu(king hard-headed before. So was she. But it took something big to change us. Took something big to make us both take a BIG step back and look at what we had been doing. When I finally saw who I had been and what I had been doing I was purely disgusted with myself. These were things that I had rationalized over the years because I was resentful and did not feel loved. Same goes for my wife.

It’s time for you and your husband to snap out of it. Take a BIG step back and look at yourself. You are not alone. He needs to do it also. And if you need to, put him in touch with me and I will tell him a story so depressing that he won’t be able to sleep at night. Seriously, I’ll PM you my cell number.

Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not blaming you. I’m not blaming him. I’m not saying who is at fault. You are trying to do something for your relationship and I commend you for it. Just please remember that the two of you work as a team. You have to help him to help yourself, and vice versa. It’s not about giving up or giving in. When people love each other they should be there for one another and help each other through the hard times.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have dug deeper on his computer.. and well yeah there is tons of it the most recent is on 9/10.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Ladybird,
> 
> What the two of you have right now are some major walls between you. Like I said before, this has nothing to do with sex or porn. There is something else that has caused this all, and the sex and porn are symptoms. Although I will admit that the sex and porn are issues in themselves that are indeed making it worse.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this... You have no idea what it means to me...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

this is the email he just sent me, 

What the hell are you talking about 9/2 9/10??? you act like i was out drinking and screwing *****s!!! my god your the one who is ruining the marriage not me how do you think i felt when you got your blue rubber **** you didn't even ask me before you got it that made me feel like **** too like I'm not good enough anymore !! I've done nothing wrong your the one that jumps to conclusions not me. you don't trust me and never have..this is your way of getting out of the marrige.at least that's what i think.To disrupt and destroy a family over something so petty is wrong! you act like I'm out every night doing god knows what!!! i don't even talk to you about anything because i don't want to start a big fight.. but you always find a way to **** with me.

I am at fault for everything apparently.

I take 50% of the blame for my marriage being where it is at.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Most men look at porn, and most men masturbate. I would love the thought that my wife could actually want to have sex as much as I masturbate but I also know that I masturbated way before I ever met her, and she masturbated long before she met me. We all have our private time. Masturbation is like cake while sex is like pie, and we like both for different reasons. 

Porn is not evil to me, and I have had some amazing times watching porn WITH my wife. It has helped open up some fantasies and spiced up our marriage. 

I agree with others on this that it really comes down to communication. You guys need to sit down and talk about this, neither one being defensive, and get a handle on what you are wanting from each other. This is not the end of the world, and you can talk this out.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ladybird said:


> this is the email he just sent me,
> 
> What the hell are you talking about 9/2 9/10??? you act like i was out drinking and screwing *****s!!!* my god your the one who is ruining the marriage not me how do you think i felt when you got your blue rubber **** you didn't even ask me before you got it that made me feel like **** too like I'm not good enough anymore !!* I've done nothing wrong your the one that jumps to conclusions not me. you don't trust me and never have..this is your way of getting out of the marrige.at least that's what i think.To disrupt and destroy a family over something so petty is wrong! you act like I'm out every night doing god knows what!!! i don't even talk to you about anything because i don't want to start a big fight.. but you always find a way to **** with me.
> 
> ...


Stop being defensive and read what your husband wrote so you can understand him better if you want to fix this. Blaming each other is not going to get you where you need to be. He sounds very upset, angry and hurt. Ask him where those feelings are coming from with a sincere desire to hear the answer even if it hurts. You arent the only one hurting in this relationship, he is as well. If you think your needs arent being met you can bet he feels the same way. So now you have two hurt angry people and you need to find a way to get past that, otherwise you cant hear each other.

You are focused on the wrong thing. First of all stop violating this mans privacy because really what goes on between him and his penis is his business. Porn and sexlessness is a symptom not the problem. Focus on what the disease is that is killing ur marriage. You start by listening.

Good luck


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

lht285 said:


> Most men look at porn, and most men masturbate. I would love the thought that my wife could actually want to have sex as much as I masturbate but I also know that I masturbated way before I ever met her, and she masturbated long before she met me. We all have our private time. Masturbation is like cake while sex is like pie, and we like both for different reasons.
> 
> Porn is not evil to me, and I have had some amazing times watching porn WITH my wife. It has helped open up some fantasies and spiced up our marriage.
> 
> I agree with others on this that it really comes down to communication. You guys need to sit down and talk about this, neither one being defensive, and get a handle on what you are wanting from each other. This is not the end of the world, and you can talk this out.


Talking doesn't work... He gets pissed off.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

ladybird said:


> Talking doesn't work... He gets pissed off.



Maybe he gets pissed off because it seems he gets an abundance of what he is doing wrong instead of what he is doing right and there is no resolution. Thats enough to anger anyone. 

Go to him with a solution of what you are willing to do to make things right or even better, ask him what he needs and wants. Whats his vision of your marriage from this day forward. When he gives it to you, give him yours. Then brainstorm on what you need to do for, to, and with each other to accomplish that goal.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

janesmith said:


> Stop being defensive and read what your husband wrote so you can understand him better if you want to fix this. Blaming each other is not going to get you where you need to be. He sounds very upset, angry and hurt. Ask him where those feelings are coming from with a sincere desire to hear the answer even if it hurts. You arent the only one hurting in this relationship, he is as well. If you think your needs arent being met you can bet he feels the same way. So now you have two hurt angry people and you need to find a way to get past that, otherwise you cant hear each other.
> 
> You are focused on the wrong thing. First of all stop violating this mans privacy because really what goes on between him and his penis is his business. Porn and sexlessness is a symptom not the problem. Focus on what the disease is that is killing ur marriage. You start by listening.
> 
> Good luck


I bought the toy in September of last year. The problems started long before i got the toy.. If he would have told me how he felt about it i would have thrown it out without a second thought. Does he have the same courtesy no he does not.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

you want to be happy or do you want to be right?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

janesmith said:


> Maybe he gets pissed off because it seems he gets an abundance of what he is doing wrong instead of what he is doing right and there is no resolution. Thats enough to anger anyone.
> 
> Go to him with a solution of what you are willing to do to make things right or even better, ask him what he needs and wants. Whats his vision of your marriage from this day forward. When he gives it to you, give him yours. Then brainstorm on what you need to do for, to, and with each other to accomplish that goal.


I have asked him what he wants and needs from me.. he wont tell me.. he says everything i am doing is fine.. Obviously it isn't fine. I am so confused.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

janesmith said:


> you want to be happy or do you want to be right?


I want to be happy. I could care less about being right.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I’ll was going to do a PM but I’ll throw some of this embarrassing stuff out….why not.

Like any guy I have looked at porn, and I have no problem with porn. As long as porn does not interfere with my life and a healthy sexual relationship with my wife it is fine by me. It is just a release for me and nothing more. Porn does not replace my wife. I don’t fantasize about porn. As a matter of fact, I would rather be with my wife, but I have a much higher drive than her. Probably 10x more drive in fact.

Earlier in our relationship my wife was not at all cool with porn. So, I hid it naturally. And sometimes she would find it. Actually she found it a lot. The more she found the more she looked. And the more she found the more pissed off I got with her. I used to actually get mad that she was snooping like that. I felt like she was looking for a reason to fight. After all, we were talking about something that I was ok with. It was her rule right? Why should I suffer because she is closed minded and not enjoying herself. Also, it was embarrassing when she found it. And when you are embarrassed it is very easy to get defensive right. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with her when she confronted me.

I’m pretty sure that this is what is happening to your husband right now. I hate to say this, but you are going to have to drop the porn issue. That is….unless it is causing a real problem in your relationship. An example would be him wanting only porn and not you.

Now on to his desire issues with you….

Well first off you are pissing him off…..lol. Ok seriously, try not to rag on him so much about that. How about instead of accusing him of things that you know are going to set him off….you just casually explain that you are hurt by him looking at it. Tell him that you would much rather him devote that time to you. Then drop it….. Seriously drop it.

I read back through some of your other threads. You mentioned having a couple of EA’s recently. In another one you mentioned actually kissing a guy (not an EA really). Also, you husband knows about only one of these affairs.

Have the two of you really talked about this and processed it? I am not trying to throw this in your face at all, but ANY type of affair hits a man pretty hard. Not leaving the ladies out here…I know it hits you pretty much the same. But being a BS myself I can speak from experience about the feelings he may have.

My wife and I are recovering and 10 months past D-Day (10 months today). We have young children like you. Even though we have passed the stage where we have the long talks and cry all night, we are still going through stuff. Right now I’m laying next to my wife in bed. She’s watching TV and I’m typing away to you. I bet she does not know that today is the 12th…..a monthly anniversary for D-Day. I know it is. I’ve been thinking about it for the past three days. But she’s over there doing just fine. It’s guilt for her, and she’s pushed it aside. For me it’s hurt…..and it isn’t as easy to push aside.

You wouldn’t believe the issues I have now because of her affair. Do you know that I think about her kissing the OM nearly every single time we kiss? I think about it the first time I see her in the morning. I think about it every night before I go to sleep. My wife, who was a virgin and with no other man before me has now thrown her heart and body at some scumbag while we were married. Do you know how hard it is to “perform” with crazy mind movies playing in your head about the details of your spouse’s affair? There have been nights where I just had to stop.

My wife did not have sex with the OM. The PA part was basically heavy petting. But it doesn’t matter. The EA part actually hurts the worst. That is what makes me feel like less of a man, and that I will never be the man that she wants. Sometimes I feel like she has settled on me because we had kids and the OM rejected her in the end. He only wanted her for fun, and dumped her as soon as she got seriously emotionally attached. She was devastated…..and a week later I found out by accident. I had to watch her go through the pain and loss of her affair partner. I had to support her and help her get over him. Do you know how f4cked up that is? I have good days where none of this matters and I don’t think like that, but I have my share of bad days too.

I guess what I’m saying is that the EA your husband knows of could be causing him an incredible amount of pain that you don’t have a clue about. He may not be talking about it. Or you may not be encouraging him to talk about it. I have no idea… But these are things that the two of you need to work out. 

My wife and I needed to talk about this all the time for about 6 months. I needed her. And, she was there for me. We talked and talked. We now know each other better than we have ever before. She opened up to me and I did the same. She knows all about the porn, why I looked at it, and why I liked it.

You know what….I’m sitting here right now trying to remember the last time I looked at porn. It was probably with her…lol. Fun how things change when you open up and understand each other. Give it a shot. Let your guard down and just be open and honest. Someone has to take the first step, and you are here trying to get help, so I nominate you. I hope your husband can be convinced that he can also let his guard down. If there is anyone in this world that should be able to do that it is you.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Okay, you are a part of sustaining what ever problem you have with your husband. Our behavior either allows a certain situation to exist or it creates a situation where a problem cant be sustained because there is nothing to support it. You have to figure how you are supporting this problem and stop being part of the cycle. 

Also your job is to help in any way you can your husband to communicate his needs to you. When his needs are met he will be happier and as spouses he has every right to look to you for that help when its essential to the health of the relationship.

You dont have enough information about the problem from his perspective. This process has to be very concrete. Then you brainstorm on how to fix it with each persons ultimate goal the happiness of the other and a strong relationship.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great post, IT guy! I'm sure it will help a lot of people to see what guys are thinking about porn.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

ladybird said:


> this is the email he just sent me,
> 
> What the hell are you talking about 9/2 9/10??? you act like i was out drinking and screwing *****s!!! my god your the one who is ruining the marriage not me how do you think i felt when you got your blue rubber **** you didn't even ask me before you got it that made me feel like **** too like I'm not good enough anymore !! I've done nothing wrong your the one that jumps to conclusions not me. you don't trust me and never have..this is your way of getting out of the marrige.at least that's what i think.To disrupt and destroy a family over something so petty is wrong! you act like I'm out every night doing god knows what!!! i don't even talk to you about anything because i don't want to start a big fight.. but you always find a way to **** with me.
> 
> ...


LadyBird........this is deflection and blame shifting. 

I think your husband has a problem with porn, please educate yourself on it. 
Porn in itself is not such a terrible thing, the problem lies with how it is used and in this case, it sounds like the root of the problem.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

southernmagnolia said:


> LadyBird........this is deflection and blame shifting.
> 
> I think your husband has a problem with porn, please educate yourself on it.
> Porn in itself is not such a terrible thing, the problem lies with how it is used and in this case, it sounds like the root of the problem.


I have read up on porn addiction. He seems to fit the bill... Will he admit it and get help for it is another thing. And to be brutally honest i am not entirely sure i can get over this. It took me along time to trust him, (I mean years )in the first place.

I agree that Porn isn't such a bad thing in it self, but when you chose that over a flesh and blood person there is a problem.. I can never compete with those woman and i will not.

I have very low self worth, self esteem you name it.

I would rather have sex with my husband then masturbate.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> I’ll was going to do a PM but I’ll throw some of this embarrassing stuff out….why not.
> 
> Like any guy I have looked at porn, and I have no problem with porn. As long as porn does not interfere with my life and a healthy sexual relationship with my wife it is fine by me. It is just a release for me and nothing more. Porn does not replace my wife. I don’t fantasize about porn. As a matter of fact, I would rather be with my wife, but I have a much higher drive than her. Probably 10x more drive in fact.
> 
> ...


Thank you IT-guy. 

I was looking for what i was missing from my relationship. I realized that I was missing my husband and he is the only one who could fill that void... I feel as if i have lost a part of myself, my husband is truly a part of me, loosing him would be like losing my soul. I feel that i have already lost him and i have lost all hope of ever restoring what we once had.. I cant begin to describe what is was like, it was like heaven. It seems like it was a dream and so far out of reach. I have woken up into a nightmare.

The kiss was a peck not open mouth. I stopped it before it went any further... Wrong yes i know.

You think you know some one so well then the tide changes, come to find out you don't really know them at all.

We piss each other off. Bottom line.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I just got off the phone with him... He said he has no issues with me.. All i hear is excesses. He wont tell me.. God help me, i dont know what to do. I got so upset that i told him i had to go. He doesn't get it he will not talk to me.... I think our marriage is over and no matter how much i try it will never be enough. I hurt so much.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Perhaps if you do go it will be a kick in the butt for him.....get him to take a step back and try to fix things.

I know if my wife had left me I would have straitened my self out.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I told my husband that I was leaving, I had already made the arrangements to do so and go stay with my mom. He said that since i was going to leave him there was no point on fixing our marriage. He told me he has no issues with me. He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem.. (meaning that he has erection problems. Which it does happen some of the time.)This was over the phone.

When he got home we started to argue about things. He got defensive, i got defensive the usual stuff. I don't want to fight with him i am tired of it. I said can we just have a conversation with out fighting, without sarcasm, with out getting defensive, and with out a crappy tone. We can't fix it if we constantly fight. Fighting has gotten us no where so far. During the heat of the moment. I did tell him that i hated him.. Later i told him that i dont really hate him.. That i do really love him. and that I am just really angry at him. Me telling him that i am angry at him upset him.

We actually got somewhere last night. We talked and didn't fight. He still says he has no issues with me.This is what i got from him.. That i walk around like a zombie (which is true.) I dont touch him (true). I haven't said i love you in months with out him saying it first(true) And that i show no emotion, hence walking around like a zombie. (I dont show any emotion in front of him.) Last night i lost it, I cried and i had to leave the room.. I think that truly upset him.

I did tell him it is not all about sex, that is not all i need from him.

I did mention to him that i think we need to talk to a MC. He said we just dont have the money.. I will have to see what i can find out there. I think it would be beneficial for us to see one. Not having the money or not. We are going to have to do something and i think we will may need the help.

I know this will be a long road.. things will not get better overnight.. It is going to take time. I just hope that he really knows how serious i am about everything. And that the way things are can't stay the same. I am going to put everything i have into fixing my marriage.. I hope he will do the same.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ladybird said:


> He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem.. (meaning that he has erection problems.


This is a very difficult thing for a man to discuss with his lover.
This is all bruised ego, I`m a pretty secure confident guy but ED problems really **** with my head and feeling of self worth towards my wife.
Go easy here, lots of empathy if and when he talks about it because it`s very difficult.



> He still says he has no issues with me................................. That i walk around like a zombie (which is true.) I dont touch him (true). I haven't said i love you in months with out him saying it first(true) And that i show no emotion, hence walking around like a zombie. (I dont show any emotion in front of him.)


Did you catch this?
He said he "has no issues with you" and then he goes on to state numerous issues he has with you.
He may have some trouble in his communication skills as this seems to be a direct contradiction.
It may take short simple "gentle" pinpoint questions to get him to get this stuff out to you.

Lady, the porn isn`t the problem, the sex isn`t the problem, you guys keep talking/yelling past each other.
You`re only communication seems to be mutual verbal abuse.

That`s the problem.

Swallow your pride or lose your marriage.
Your call.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Take a deep breath. First of all - I am not going to comment on your views regarding porn in a marriage. You absolutely are entitled to your opinion. 

I absolutely believe that it is wrong to watch porn when you know your partner wants you and you are using porn as a replacement for marital sex. In a way it is a type of cheating. 

Why is he watching porn instead of taking care of his wife?





ladybird said:


> No! i am the one who wants sex more then once every 2 months. I would like a minimum of once a week. I am never to tired.. I have also never told him NO! I want sex and he knows it.


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## TLCTugger (Sep 14, 2011)

ladybird said:


> He said that since i was going to leave him there was no point on fixing our marriage.


You obviously want to end it or you wouldn't make such an issue of this porn business. 

Today a buddy emailed me something about "boating" that turned out to be an explicit slide show of 3 naked women pleasuring each other on a yacht. I looked at it briefly and then went upstairs to rub lotion on my wife's back as she stepped out of the shower (we both work out of the home). So, long story short, we then had just about the nicest sex I can remember during the hour before our daughter got home from high school. 

Had I not watched the porn, it might not have occured to me to check the clock and see if there was a realistic chance to squeeze that into our day. 

If you are having enough sex together, then what business is it of yours how he spends his free time? If you're not, then WORK ON THAT. If he doesn't have an erection on demand he can probably still give you an orgasm in a very intimate way if you guys use one of those vibrating rings that goes over the base of the penis. You can buy them next to the condoms in most any store now. 



ladybird said:


> I did tell him that i hated him.


I think what you meant was that as much as you care about him, you resent the fact that he's tampering with your dream of how your married life should turn out. 



ladybird said:


> He still says he has no issues with me.


I know I'd have an issue with you being such a bossie pants about little porn. 



ladybird said:


> I did tell him it is not all about sex, that is not all i need from him.


You need to make a habit of stopping to caress each other, SO OFTEN that it couldn't possibly lead to sex every time. Celebrate your partnership the way a business throws an annual company picnic to celebrate the organization, only do it every day. You have navigated through an uncertain life together, depending on each others' strengths, supporting each others' dreams. 



ladybird said:


> i think we need to talk to a MC. He said we just dont have the money.


My wife and I saw one a few times a couple years into our 20-year marriage. I think we both agree the lady was incompetent and that the main thing we got out of it was that I was not acting like my wife's happiness mattered. The result was we started having iron-clad dates at least every two weeks. 

If you both believe a commited partnership is the best way to navigate life, then you have to make the separate decision whether to work on the one you have. I think you would benefit from studying some polyamorous groups. I'm not saying even consider getting into swinging, but these people have such a healthy outlook. They think of love like a desert or a beautiful sunset. Just because you enjoyed a great desert together, is that any reason to resent that he enjoys a desert when you're apart, or any reason to worry that he'll enjoy the next desert you share less? It's a hard concept to grapple with if you're not used to it, but just trying to appreciate that a good-hearted and commited couple could live that way may open your mind up and liberate you from worrying about this trivial porn issue. 



ladybird said:


> I am going to put everything i have into fixing my marriage.. I hope he will do the same.


If you mean you hope he will straighten up and play by your rules, you're doomed. 

-Ron


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Ok let me start off by saying that

I have issues with porn I always have, ESPECIALLY more so now since he does that instead of wanting to be with me. He should respect my feelings.

It is just like some men to BLAME the wife for everything.
Wife doesn't want sex, blame the wife, if the wife wants sex and the husband refuses but chooses porn over her then it is the wife's fault again. 

I am not a controlling person.. He has HURT me deeply.. I can't imagine that most of you would even begin to understand.

I am here to try to fix my marriage... Not to be ridiculed or judged. because i dont like porn and i believe it has no place in a marriage. Unless it is OK by both parties involved. 


Yes i have not been doing some things.. like touching him, telling him i love him, etc, but you know something he stopped doing these things long before i stopped. He pushed me away so in return I did that same.

So i guess that my marriage problems are all my fault and i guess if he wanted to i should let him sleep with another woman if that is what he truly wanted.... Right?


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## TLCTugger (Sep 14, 2011)

You obviously want to end it or you wouldn't make such an issue of this porn business.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

TLCTugger said:


> You obviously want to end it or you wouldn't make such an issue of this porn business.


If i wanted to end i would have left..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Besides porn, what else do you not permit this adult to view, read, watch, listen to, etc? Why would you presume you have the right to dictate what the man looks at? I don't like everything my wife watches on TV or listens to but she's an adult. Is it possible you've become a little controlling? I used to have such a spouse and after listening to her pushy demands all day, having sex with her wasn't real high on my priority list. The guy obviously is into sex and you are too, so he either has a problem with you or he fears he can't actually perform sexually.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ladybird,

Please go look for these books.

Praying Through The Deeper Issues of Marriages

The Power of a Praying Husband

The Power of a Praying Wife

They were written by Stormie Omartian. 

I am reading the first book, it is pretty good detailing marriage problems and how we should deal with it. Kind of Christian like, but when we need advice and we don't have money for councilors, books are the cheapest and most efficient way. People's marriages were saved by reading these books. 

Kindness and respect are the most important attitude we need to have when we try to get along with people, include our spouses.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is a very difficult thing for a man to discuss with his lover.
> This is all bruised ego, I`m a pretty secure confident guy but ED problems really **** with my head and feeling of self worth towards my wife.
> Go easy here, lots of empathy if and when he talks about it because it`s very difficult.
> 
> ...


I did get what he was telling me.. I did listen.


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## Just4Me (Sep 15, 2011)

ladybird
If him getting an erection has been a problem before then the thought of it can kill sex drive. Afraid that it will happen again. Make sure there is not a medical reason for it. 

Communication is so important in a relationship. 
Working through my own issues with my hubby.

I hope things work out for you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

NewlyWedMomy said:


> Ladybird... I totally understand how you feel! My hubby RARELY likes to have sex and I am like wanting it twice a day!!! He's happy with doing it once a week and "claims" (since we met) that he's not a sexual person... I found porn on his phone a few months back and confronted him about it and like your H he denied it... REALLY!?! Come on, we aren't stupid!
> 
> I agree with you leaving cause to me if you aren't a sexual person... WHY LOOK AT PORN!!! I totally understand how you feel hun.
> 
> ...


It wouldn't be all that bad when asked about if he wouldn't lie about it. Thing that bugs me is it is not like i reject him in the 15 plus years we have been together i haven't once.:scratchhead: but has issues because i bought a sex toy for us to use and i didn't ask him about it first... he doesn't ask me if he can watch porn either... The toy was for us, the porn is just for him.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Ladybird,
> 
> Please go look for these books.
> 
> ...


Thank you GreenPearl... I will get the books you recommended.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IF the 2 of you truly love each other & are both willing to not give up, sounds like *it-guy's *story could become your story. Read his posts again, get a feel for how your husband feels, when he opens up to you again , do not defend yourself, just listen to his pain. It has to start with someone. The defensive merry go round is what has slaughtered your relationship, NOONE is hearing the other, but focused on thier pain alone. 

When he is telling you "nothing is wrong" to your face, he is not being honest, he is trying to make light of it , he is used to hiding. He FEARS Vulnerability (most people do!) . But still.... he has given clues to what has led him here --HURT over your choosing a toy over him, hurt over his failure (erection problems), and I am sure, as it-guys has explained -any form of EA. I am sure this plays in his mind as well -then the fighting, defenses on top seals his silence and doing his own thing. 

I wouldn't move out -if you want to save this , as angry and hurt as you are (Believe me , I FEEL for your side too --BIG TIME, I think in the past I told you to outright leave him, life it too short !!), he has attempted some transparency with you -(even if in an angry email)- these clues regarding his pain in all of this --there IS something here to work with!! You & he need to sit down - and allow each other to speak fully without interrupption -get to the roots of this -before any rebuilding is going to take place. 

He is afraid of this to some degree -while you are running out the door. Both of these are working *against * hope & reconciliation. 

If you allow him to vent, be determined to see his side, without defense -if you can give him that--he is likely able to turn around and see -just how deep, how wide, how high he has hurt you also.

This right here took a huge tool on his manhood -not something easy to admit -but he did it in this angry email ...forget the context, focus on the words spoken...



> you didn't even ask me before you got it that made me feel like **** too like I'm not good enough anymore


....And his saying this to you (over the phone)


> He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem



There it is --- Deep hurt, painful embarrassment-it is not easy for a man to admit these things. Now you are in the position .....to stay, demonstrate you deeply desire to get to the roots of this and work past the pain. That YOU love him too much to give up. 

Accept he has been hurt BY YOU ... *DEEPLY LISTEN, no defenses -sometimes we just NEED TO BE HEARD, and understood, that is the greatest gift.* 

And here, what you spoke here, does HE know you feel this way >>>


> I was looking for what i was missing from my relationship. I realized that I was missing my husband and he is the only one who could fill that void... I feel as if i have lost a part of myself, my husband is truly a part of me, loosing him would be like losing my soul. I feel that i have already lost him and i have lost all hope of ever restoring what we once had.. I cant begin to describe what is was like, it was like heaven. It seems like it was a dream and so far out of reach.


 Words like this can soften his heart, and he may feel more comfortable opening up to you. I agree with It-guy, it will take MONTHS of crying, striving to get over the pain & resentment but when you love, this is what you do !!


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

That is a great post it-guy right on the money !!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife and I continue to talk about the issues leading up to her affair….although not nearly as often now.

Just the other night, we both agreed that we had indeed stopped trying to fix our marriage. These were for different reasons. My wife felt like I was not the man she married, and she could not change me. The happy ending and fairy tale marriage was not going to happen to her because she had married a guy that worked all of the time, and didn’t spend enough time with the family. She was also uncomfortable with me sexually because of porn and other issues earlier in our relationship….basically she thought I had some serious sexual issues and addictions, which I did have early on in our marriage. These issues, although resolved, were simply swept under the rug and we did not properly address them at the time.

I simply felt un-loved. We were a family with kids and I felt like she was sticking around for that reason. We still got along, and could have always been considered great friends, but I always knew that I loved her more, and that she could care less. My sex drive was through the roof, and since she would turn me down 19 times out of 20 (or more), I would just get frustrated and stop trying. Often times I would not complain, I would simply roll over on my side of the bed and go to sleep without saying a word. But it was obvious that there was tension in the air. After a bad night’s sleep, I would wake up pissed off and pretty much storm out of the house late for work in the morning. I felt like I was a paycheck…..nothing more than a provider for my family, and I served no other purpose. So I focused my attention on work. 

We repeated this cycle for several years, although there were enough good moments to keep me completely content, and her content for the short-term at least.

I believe your husband is doing the same thing. He’s basically telling you “I have no issues” and then he rolls over to have a bad night’s sleep……..repeating the cycle over and over. He probably feels trapped in his life and has simply accepted “good enough” and is just carrying on with the marriage. I don’t care what people say…a man is going to get sexual release every now and then. If he does have some sort of ED he may be able to get-off easier with the intense visualizations provided by porn. Think about it…..he can simply browse for whatever he happens to be into at that moment to get off. There is no one to tell him no, and no one to refuse whatever fantasy he has at that moment. One could see how something like porn could be addictive, and easy to turn to.

You need to keep in mind that this is going to be a very difficult thing to overcome. I’ve often wondered what my wife could have done (besides an affair) to snap me out of my stupid cycle. I just don’t know. She probably would have had to leave me temporarily….scare the heck out of me. Maybe she could have really really opened up to me and made me believe that she was completely being honest, and that she was willing to accept, and then address some of her own issues. I don’t know…

All of us have issues. We all have something that we can do to better ourselves, and improve the quality of our relationships. I don’t have to think long to come up with 10 things that I could do today, to improve the quality of my relationship for both my wife and I. And I bet you if I were to just pick three of those things and do them, we would both have a great day, and fall asleep happy tonight. My wife calls it an emotional connection. Like we are together even when we are apart.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

perhaps you should invite your husband to read this thread???


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

ladybird said:


> I told my husband that I was leaving, I
> 
> We actually got somewhere last night. We talked and didn't fight. He still says he has no issues with me.This is what i got from him.. That i walk around like a zombie (which is true.) I dont touch him (true). I haven't said i love you in months with out him saying it first(true) And that i show no emotion, hence walking around like a zombie. (I dont show any emotion in front of him.) Last night i lost it, I cried and i had to leave the room.. I think that truly upset him.
> 
> ...


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Take a deep breath. First of all - I am not going to comment on your views regarding porn in a marriage. You absolutely are entitled to your opinion.
> 
> I absolutely believe that it is wrong to watch porn when you know your partner wants you and you are using porn as a replacement for marital sex. In a way it is a type of cheating.
> 
> Why is he watching porn instead of taking care of his wife?


Because she walks around like a zombie, shows no affection towards him, and likely makes him feel as manly as a cabaret dancer? Even without ED, I'd have a hard time trying to "take care" of a problem like that. Sure women want to be loved and cherished, etc., etc., but if you aren't lovable and cherish-worthy, that's a long yard to go. Not saying he doesn't have some issues -- clearly he does. But when it comes to the kind of personal judgement and emasculation you get from a relationship compared to the judgement-free and male-positive experience of porn, it's easy to see why a guy would go towards the path of least resistance.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Another idea would be to woman up. Tell him (in a neutral tone, not aggressive) something along the lines of "It is not acceptable for me to be in a relationship with someone who satisfies himself with porn instead of having sex with me". This is you laying out your boundary. It's not telling him to change - it's just letting him you know what is acceptable to you and what is not. And then if he does not do what is acceptable to you, you end the relationship. It's as simple as that, really.

Or alternatively you could sit there and analyse the whys, hows, etc, yell and fight with eachother and torture yourself for the rest of your life. But really - you aren't getting what you want out of this relationship and he is not prepared to even compromise or work on his communication skills. So get rid of him. Enforce your boundary and if he is not willing to do what is acceptable to you, then tough luck for him. He can find another wife. There are plenty more where he came from, believe me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think this link might be helpful, as far as communication with each other .. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/872-5-steps-practicing-empathy-your-partner.html


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> There are plenty more where he came from, believe me.


:rofl:

Yes, all of my single female friends (and I have a gracious plenty) are simply ALWAYS talking about what a bumper-crop of eligible, available, successful and straight men there are out there. Like, they're falling off of trees and growing like weeds. Really, you should be able to find a Mr. Perfect in no-time.

Sometimes the devil you know is a whole heck of a lot better than the devil you don't.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> :Sometimes the devil you know is a whole heck of a lot better than the devil you don't.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> Because she walks around like a zombie, shows no affection towards him, and likely makes him feel as manly as a cabaret dancer? Even without ED, I'd have a hard time trying to "take care" of a problem like that. Sure women want to be loved and cherished, etc., etc., but if you aren't lovable and cherish-worthy, that's a long yard to go. Not saying he doesn't have some issues -- clearly he does. But when it comes to the kind of personal judgement and emasculation you get from a relationship compared to the judgement-free and male-positive experience of porn, it's easy to see why a guy would go towards the path of least resistance.


He stopped touching me long before i started walking around like a zombie. I stopped showing affection toward him because he wouldn't give it back, there was how ever times when i would touch him while i walked by. He shut me out first, i am not saying that me shutting him out also was the right thing to do, but that is the only thing i knew how to do.

Most people in the world are not good communicators... That is something you have to learn, you really are not taught.. When you have two people who aren't very good communicators, This is what happens... 

Our relationship has been this way for the last 2 years. After many times I have talked to him. Told him the things i was feeling about the way things are.. He never got it... He wouldn't tell me anything. It took me almost walking out on him for him to see.. I was very serious about leaving him...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> My wife and I continue to talk about the issues leading up to her affair….although not nearly as often now.
> 
> Just the other night, we both agreed that we had indeed stopped trying to fix our marriage. These were for different reasons. My wife felt like I was not the man she married, and she could not change me. The happy ending and fairy tale marriage was not going to happen to her because she had married a guy that worked all of the time, and didn’t spend enough time with the family. She was also uncomfortable with me sexually because of porn and other issues earlier in our relationship….basically she thought I had some serious sexual issues and addictions, which I did have early on in our marriage. These issues, although resolved, were simply swept under the rug and we did not properly address them at the time.
> 
> ...


You know it-guy our stories are almost similar. We have lost our emotional connection. I have never refused him sexually anything he wants to do to me/with me in bed is fine by me.. I should say almost anything.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

ladybird said:


> You know it-guy our stories are almost similar.


I think that is why I am writing so much on your thread. When you described him it almost seemed familier to me.

I want so much to be able to go back about 12 years to fix myself. And I can't do that. Perhaps if I can do someone else some good one day....


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

WE talked a bit more on the phone, he was at work.. He said he was a little freaked out that i was having my mom come to get me and my son to take us to the store... (I had to get the car seat out of our car). He thought i was going to leave him... I didn't look to good when he left for work i was up until 7 am crying my eyes out.

I know now that he has issues with his self image. He told me i dont know how you put up with me. He thinks he is disgusting. I told him that i dont think he is disgusting and that I love him. 

He could loose some weight, yes, but i have never said anything like that to him i dont think it either. That is just plain mean.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

it-guy said:


> I think that is why I am writing so much on your thread. When you described him it almost seemed familier to me.
> 
> I want so much to be able to go back about 12 years to fix myself. And I can't do that. Perhaps if I can do someone else some good one day....


What ever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.. If you were able to go back 12 years and fix your self then, you would not be the man you are today.

Everyone wishes they could go back in time to fix things about themselves. i know i do, Hell i would do many things differently,` if i were to do that then i would not be the person i am.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ladybird, you said you never told him he was unattractive. You told him every time you neglected to touch him, every time you failed to tell him you love him. He apparently got no or very little sexual affirmation from the only person on earth authorized to legitimately give it. Not casting blame in either direction, just pointing out that if you don't water a plant the only logical result is that it will die. Love has a very short memory and if you're not putting out loving signals, you're putting out signals of disinterest and indifference. Nobody gets a free pass and we don't need to deceive ourselves. We work on our relationships every day. We are either working to make them stronger or we're working to destroy them. There are no vacation days.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You know you must give to receive.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Ladybird, you said you never told him he was unattractive. You told him every time you neglected to touch him, every time you failed to tell him you love him. He apparently got no or very little sexual affirmation from the only person on earth authorized to legitimately give it. Not casting blame in either direction, just pointing out that if you don't water a plant the only logical result is that it will die. Love has a very short memory and if you're not putting out loving signals, you're putting out signals of disinterest and indifference. Nobody gets a free pass and we don't need to deceive ourselves. We work on our relationships every day. We are either working to make them stronger or we're working to destroy them. There are no vacation days.


you must give to receive.. it is a 2 way street.. But i do get what you are saying and i :iagree:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Things between h and I were better for about a week..He has gone back to the same old thing, however i still tell him I love him and i still touch him. He doesn't give it back. Things are so one sided...

I have decided that i am not going to get upset, angry or depressed because of it.. I am working on becoming a better person for ME.. I have realized I can and will survive without him.. I dont need him to make me happy, i can make myself happy.. and that is exactly what i am going to do.. Make myself happy for ME. I am finally going to do something for myself.

He ins't going to make changes for himself.. and i can not make him.. I am done trying.. I can't do it anymore.. He is not willing to meet me in the middle.. I kind of figured that nothing would change, but i had hope..

I have let everything go.. It is very liberating for me.. It is like a huge weight has lifted off of my shoulders..


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