# Get divorced but live together?



## Job (Jan 20, 2011)

I posted a thread outlining the problems in my marriage herehttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/20886-bipolar-wife.html To sum it up, my wife has bipolar disorder and a volatile temper along with other issues making it impossible for us to live together. She has not worked since the birth of our 8 year old daughter. 

We met with a couple of attorneys at a law office today, and I am pretty disturbed with what they said. They spoke to my wife alone at first because there was some confusion regarding what we were there for. They thought we wanted a collaborative divorce (in which case they would only be able to represent one of us) when in fact we were interested in mediation. 

When they brought me into the meeting, they had already dreamed up a scenario that they thought would be equally beneficial. This consisted of us living together for 3 years after our divorce while my wife went to school, got a job, and got on her feet. I would also not have to pay any sort of spousal or child support since they are still in the same house. I explained that there is no way this would work because the arguments, etc. would still be a problem. The only thing that would change is that we would no longer be legally married. They said that after the divorce our attitudes towards each other would change, and we should set up a schedule so that we wouldn't have to see each other very much to avoid possible conflicts. They also stated that if we went to court, the judge would give full custody of our daughter to my wife and order her to get a job and me to pay child support. Otherwise I would need to provide some numbers indicating that I would be able to support them. I'm not sure what was discussed about my income, but they seemed to be under the impression that I am financially destitute. I figured we could have joint custody of our daughter and she would get half of the equity in our house(I purchased the home before we met but put her on the deed a couple of years ago), bank account, 401K, etc. and I would help her out with an agreed upon monthly payment while she got on her feet. 

This sounds like a nightmare. I don't think I even want to consider using this law office at all. Too bad they were recommended by our counselor. I


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Get another lawyer, one that represents you and not your wife. Also, post over at dadsdivorce.com.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

This suggestion is not normal to me. I can't see how they'd even think this was remotely a good idea.

Get a new lawyer.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Mediators are hired to get the job done, not necessarily right. If you each hire attorneys, they can mediate your divorce for you, but your attorney will have your best interest. Mediators don't take anything into account.

Especially with mental illness, get yourself an attorney.


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## Job (Jan 20, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I'm definitely getting another attorney. I'll probably contact the one we saw to let them know that we will be going elsewhere for legal assistance. 

The reason I want to pursue mediation is to avoid an expensive prolonged adversarial divorce where my wife and I end up hating each other and our daughter gets caught in the middle. The big problem is that my wife doesn't want to get divorced. She says that she still loves me, but I also think she wants to avoid her life getting harder. She hasn't worked in 8 years, and I handle all of the bills and a big part of the housework and childcare responsibilities. 

This leads me to another problem. What is a fair way to provide support for a spouse who hasn't worked for so long? I would prefer it if she could live in a modest house rather than moving into an apartment, especially since my daughter would be spending half of her time with her. But since she hasn't worked in so long, I don't think she would qualify for a home loan. Even if if I were to move out and give her our house, I don't think she would be able to transfer the mortgage into her name only.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Why assume that the court would award full custody to a woman with an arrest record of drunk and disorderly conduct x2 while supposedly watching your daughter?

I don't understand why you care about supporting her after the marriage is over. That's her damn problem not yours. You've been propping her up the whole marriage, why'd you want to do that after the marriage is over and the point of getting out of the marriage is to stop propping her up?


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Job said:


> Thanks for the replies. I'm definitely getting another attorney. I'll probably contact the one we saw to let them know that we will be going elsewhere for legal assistance.
> 
> The reason I want to pursue mediation is to avoid an expensive prolonged adversarial divorce where my wife and I end up hating each other and our daughter gets caught in the middle. The big problem is that my wife doesn't want to get divorced. She says that she still loves me, but I also think she wants to avoid her life getting harder. She hasn't worked in 8 years, and I handle all of the bills and a big part of the housework and childcare responsibilities.
> 
> This leads me to another problem. What is a fair way to provide support for a spouse who hasn't worked for so long? I would prefer it if she could live in a modest house rather than moving into an apartment, especially since my daughter would be spending half of her time with her. But since she hasn't worked in so long, I don't think she would qualify for a home loan. Even if if I were to move out and give her our house, I don't think she would be able to transfer the mortgage into her name only.


Hired attorneys can mediate...in your best interest. You can, and most cases, will be mediated. However, hired mediators do not have either parties best interest. Especially if there are children involved, it's best to at least consult with an attorney.


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