# Met my soulmate. Should I leave my wife?



## Dalls

I'd like to share my story as I am seeking advice. I've never experienced anything like this before so I wasn't sure where to turn to discuss it. I was raised in a household with two loving parents of 45 years and have never experienced divorce or issues like this before.

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years with a 5 year old son. She is a great mother, a great person and for the most part a great wife.

However, my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year or so for several reasons including:

Early in our marriage we faced some significant financial challenges including losing our home, almost going bankrupt and severely struggling for about 2-3 years. 

During this time I believe she holds me responsible for the reasons that lead to our demise. Also she became pregnant during this time and was forced to return to work when our child was still an infant because we had no other choice financially. This was something she didn't ever want to do, and I believe she still resents me for this.

A few years ago we moved to the other side of the country for a fresh financial start, which has certainly improved things for us on that front, but has isolated her from much of her friends and family which has caused her to become emotionally distant from me.

When we were first married I believed we had the ammunition as a couple to face any adversity together and become stronger. At the time things were going on, she coped very well with everything. However now that we've emerged from this adversity we've both realized how much it changed us and how we both grew apart and became different people as a result of it.

What I've realized is that her and I have very different core values and life goals and that we are no longer aligned as a couple. I value pursuing my passions in life, having big goals and executing them. She values security, stability, routine. I believe neither party can change their values and our different outlooks on everything in life has manifested in the following ways:

- Increased irritability and hostility towards each other over small things.

- Very little sexual desire or chemistry. We have been sleeping in separate beds for 6 months and have sex maybe once every month.

- Cold, distant, isolation from each other. I stay in my corner of the house, she stays in hers. 

- We very rarely talk unless it has something to do with our son.

- Constant judgment and criticism towards any opinion or action of mine.

The turning point for us was about 6 months ago I expressed to her that I needed her emotional support more than ever as I was entering a new business venture. Although she said she supported me, I think she has no desire to pursue this considering the past financial challenges we've faced. Although I respect her position, she brought up in our discussion that she is not a vocal emotional supporter and that I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted from a wife and she needed to decide if she was that person. 

As I was spending time soul searching to discover the answer to that question, I met another woman (also married with children) that I would consider my soul mate. I never even believed soul mates existed until I met her. Her and I have an unbelievable connection that I have never experienced with anybody before (even my wife - ever), we have numerous common interests, we are aligned spiritually, emotionally and in every way possible. We have had deep conversations and have communicated in ways that neither of us have ever experienced before. It feels very real, and we both believe we are meant for each other.

We have not had a sexual affair yet, but certainly an emotional one. This is a woman who I can share my hopes, dreams, desires, fears and deepest emotional issues with. She can do the same with me. Sharing any of the above with my wife usually results in judgment. This woman brings out my very best qualities, embraces who I am and supports me, encourages me and lifts me up unlike anyone I have ever known. Her marriage is much the same as mine. Married to a good man, but with very different values and alot underlying resentment due to different values and goals. Her and I are in complete alignment in these areas, and I too offer her what her husband does not.

The conclusion seems so obvious: both of us leave our spouses to start a relationship together. However, we know it's never that simple. 

I have several questions about this:

1. Is my love interest in this new woman predicated upon the excitement of something new? Or does there appear to be a basis for a sustainable long term relationship. And how do I know the difference?

2. Is it our best interest to leave our spouses on the basis of a failing marriage, and then not make our relationship public until after the dust settles?

I know that if my wife knew there was another woman involved and suspected cheating, she would be very vindictive during a divorce with regard to any financial and custody matters.

As it stands I have a very fair offer in mind that I am confident she would accept if we could end the marriage amicably. 

3. Should me and this new woman have a sexual encounter before we decide to make this decision? Both of us are hesitant to have a physical affair because if we do stay together it would set the expectation that both of us are willing to cheat, creating trust issues long term.

4. What impact would this type of separation have on our kids? My son is very adaptable and I believe he could handle it as well as any kid. In her case, I don't know her kids well enough but it would be harder since she has two.

5. Are my issues with my marriage legitimate reasons to divorce, or are they challenges every couple faces from time to time. 

6. How often do marriages that start with an affair (emotional or otherwise) even last?

The last thing I want to do is throw away a salvageable marriage (if it is), damaging my relationship with my son, having a serious financial impact in pursuit or something that may not be real.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm

Seriously?? You are BOTH married, and you think you are SOUL MATES?? NO. Just...no. Do you wife a favor and divorce her, and suck up whatever consequences comes with it.


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## Married but Happy

You may simply be infatuated. There is no way to tell if this OW is truly a good match - that can take a year or two of dating to find out, and you're in no position to do that. I'd be a lot harsher in my opinion, but I know others here will take care of that better than I can!

If you marriage is failing, you need to FIRST decide about that before looking for a replacement. You can't honestly evaluate your situation and take appropriate action to fix your marriage if you're disconnected and distracted from it. Deal with your marriage first, stop dallying with the OW. After you separate/divorce, IF you do, then think about moving on.


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## Dalls

3Xnocharm said:


> Seriously?? You are BOTH married, and you think you are SOUL MATES?? NO. Just...no. Do you wife a favor and divorce her, and suck up whatever consequences comes with it.


This is an overly simplistic and judgmental statement. Are you telling me that nobody has ever married the wrong person and found happiness with their second spouse?


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## Dalls

Married but Happy said:


> You may simply be infatuated. There is no way to tell if this OW is truly a good match - that can take a year or two of dating to find out, and you're in no position to do that. I'd be a lot harsher in my opinion, but I know others here will take care of that better than I can!
> 
> If you marriage is failing, you need to FIRST decide about that before looking for a replacement. You can't honestly evaluate your situation and take appropriate action to fix your marriage if you're disconnected and distracted from it. Deal with your marriage first, stop dallying with the OW. After you separate/divorce, IF you do, then think about moving on.


This is a good non judgmental post, so thank you for that.

Yes, I do realize I need to make two separate decisions here.

1. Do I want to continue my marriage?
2. Is a relationship with this new person worth pursuing?

My answer to the first question is becoming increasingly obvious as NO, but I am still not 100% certain. Also if so, I would need a couple of months to get a few matters in order before I exit.

With regard to the second question, you raised a good point. I'm not sure I have ever felt infatuated with somebody before. And how can I tell the difference?


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## mablenc

Everyone is your soulmate when you are infatuated remember middle school love?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenfern

I know its difficult to see the forest for the trees right now, but I really suggest backing off completely from the OW, go no contact (NC). Set a time frame like 6 months and go all in to try to fix things with your wife. Go to MC, do whatever you need to do. Then, if its not working then divorce. Then wait 6 months to work on yourself. THEN go look for a new relationship.

If the OW is truly a 'soulmate' the relationship can wait a year. Right now it is definitely infatuation. She may indeed become your soulmate but right now it would be too complicated, there would be too much guilt, and the stress of ending both of your marriages would almost guarantee the failure of any future relationship.


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## mablenc

You need to consider the fact that you are now hurting the person you vowed to be with forever. You are hurting your family and her children. The majority of these relationships fail quickly and you will only have caused soul crushing pain to your family and yourself. Read up on afairs and see the facts. You also need to come clean to your wife and stop contact with the OW so that you can see things clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## herblackwings

Dalls said:


> This is a good non judgmental post, so thank you for that.
> 
> Yes, I do realize I need to make two separate decisions here.
> 
> 1. Do I want to continue my marriage?
> 2. Is a relationship with this new person worth pursuing?
> 
> My answer to the first question is becoming increasingly obvious as NO, but I am still not 100% certain. Also if so, I would need a couple of months to get a few matters in order before I exit.
> 
> With regard to the second question, you raised a good point. I'm not sure I have ever felt infatuated with somebody before. And how can I tell the difference?



So my marriage sounds similar to yours. We arnt as hostile towards each
Other as you two sound but everything else is very much the same. However, I do not have a soulmate on the side so my thoughts are not contaminated.
You sounds logical. Here is my advise: stop seeing your soul mate - all contact while you decide on your marriage. Think about your boy - I have a 5yo son as well. The decision to divorce and have your boy be raised by 2 additional new adults and live between 2 homes is so huge that I think you need to do it while away from the soulmate. Then should you still decide to divorce, then peruse soulmate after its final. I hope soulmate makes the same decision since she's also splitting up a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Head over to the Coping with Infidelity section to see exactly how damaging what you are doing is to the betrayed spouse. Because you ARE cheating on your wife right now.

Do the decent thing and stop all communication with this other woman until you sort yourself out. The relationship you have with your wife is either salvageable or not, no matter if this other woman is in the picture or not. So focus on that right now and figure it out.


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## Hope1964

Oh, and _soulmate??_ Sorry, there's no such thing. You're in lust right now. It's pheromones. Another reason to take a step back and stop interacting with OW.


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## angrybuttrying

Was curious if you could recall how you felt about your wife when you first met her? Wonder how much of the same limerence did you have when you met your wife vs. this other woman? 

I read a quote on here that I thought was great: the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, because you don't have to mow it. 

And yes, I believe from reading your post that you are both unhappy with your current situation as well as infatuated with this OW. Current unhappiness increases the infatuation of the OW, too. 

Do your self and the other 4 people (at least - your wife, son, the OW and the OWH) a huge favor, go NC, put forth an honest effort into MC, and resolve your current marital issues before screwing up someone else's. 

One last comment: two people cheat on their spouses to be together. they end up together, so what makes you think either will be faithful in the future? fidelity is not exactly either's strong point.


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## Dalls

Thanks for the honest feedback. Seems like more attention was drawn to the existence of the OW rather than the questions I had relating to my marriage. 

But clearly my marriage needs to be evaluated (as does hers), and time needs to heal some wounds before her and I decide if we want to pursue any relationship.


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## Dalls

angrybuttrying said:


> Was curious if you could recall how you felt about your wife when you first met her? Wonder how much of the same limerence did you have when you met your wife vs. this other woman?
> 
> I read a quote on here that I thought was great: the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, because you don't have to mow it.


Good question, and one I have thought about extensively. I always loved her, but honestly the connection I have with the OW is unlike anything I've ever had with another woman.


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## greenfern

Dalls said:


> Thanks for the honest feedback. Seems like more attention was drawn to the existence of the OW rather than the questions I had relating to my marriage.
> 
> But clearly my marriage needs to be evaluated (as does hers), and time needs to heal some wounds before her and I decide if we want to pursue any relationship.


The problem is that the existence of the OW is intertwined with the problems in your marriage. You may have had issues before but the OW makes it impossible for you to get a truthful look at your marriage, it is all coloured by your "soulmate". Your wife doesn't stand a chance with the OW in the picture.


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## Dalls

Here is an article that accurately describes my situation. Any comments?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...4/having-affair-there-are-six-different-kinds

The "Mind-Body"Affair. Here's the most dangerous one of all for the lovers' existing relationships. It's so powerful because it feels so complete -- emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. Matt and Ellen, who consulted me as a couple, met through a parents' function at their children's school. Right away, they felt a strong, mutual con-nection. "If I believed in reincarnation," Matt told me, "I would say that we were together in a former life. We feel like ‘soul-mates.'" "I never thought a relationship could feel like this," said Ellen.

The "mind-body" affair is highly threatening to a marriage because it feels so "right." Of course, the couple may try to end it or turn it into a "just-in-the-head" affair, but that rarely works. Of all the different affairs, I've found that this kind most frequently leads to divorce and remarriage. The upside is that the new relationship often proves to be the right match for the couple. Nevertheless, it generates all the mixed consequences that all affairs produce, especially when children are involved.


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## lifeistooshort

Dalls said:


> This is an overly simplistic and judgmental statement. Are you telling me that nobody has ever married the wrong person and found happiness with their second spouse?


l

Yes, I did, but you are approaching this from rainbow and unicorn land like an adolescent. Your use of "soulmate" tells me that. And you're getting involved with another cheater; sure she probably tells you her marriage is over and you believe her but guess what? Cheaters lie. Just man up and ask your wife for a divorce, agree to an equitable split, then worry about "soulmates". Ask yourself this question: if you divorce your wife and mrs perfect decides to dump you and stay with her husband will you regret your divorce? If your answer is no then file right now. On to of that, you want to keep your wife as plab B while you test drive your soulmate. That's scummy. Don't be a scumbag on the way out, your reputation will never be the same, and you'll be with another scumbag. Not a great way to start a new relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dalls

lifeistooshort said:


> l
> 
> Yes, I did, but you are approaching this from rainbow and unicorn land like an adolescent. Your use of "soulmate" tells me that. And you're getting involved with another cheater; sure she probably tells you her marriage is over and you believe her but guess what? Cheaters lie. Just man up and ask your wife for a divorce, agree to an equitable split, then worry about "soulmates". Ask yourself this question: if you divorce your wife and mrs perfect decides to dump you and stay with her husband will you regret your divorce? If your answer is no then file right now. On to of that, you want to keep your wife as plab B while you test drive your soulmate. That's scummy. Don't be a scumbag on the way out, your reputation will never be the same, and you'll be with another scumbag. Not a great way to start a new relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell me how you really feel!


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## Hope1964

Dalls, just the title of your thread is going to trigger many here. 

Are you willing to initiate no contact with the OW and investigate the possibility of rekindling your marriage?

If not, then get a divorce. Right now. There's no sense in prolonging this.

If yes, then do so. Now. Tell the OW why. If she IS your soulmate, she will do the same in her marriage and you will both fail and you will end up together. 

If you aren't willing to do one of these two things, you're going to get crucified.


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## lifeistooshort

Dalls said:


> Tell me how you really feel!


Sorry if you don't like what your're hearing, but that's typical of rainbow and unicorn land. Fyi, the way you're going about this gives your new relationship the minimum probability of survival. Getting out of your marriage with honor gives it a much better chance. Think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

Mavash. said:


> This place is full of people in pain from the fallout of infidelity.
> 
> You came here with a very hot topic.


:iagree:

It's walking into the lions' den. I would ask all on both sides to keep it respectful. Frank discussion is fine. We all know the rules. Thanks.


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## ScrewedEverything

Dalls said:


> Is my love interest in this new woman predicated upon the excitement of something new? Or does there appear to be a basis for a sustainable long term relationship. And how do I know the difference?


Take it from someone who's been there. Your "love interest" is a fantasy. There is nothing real about it. Yes, it feels exciting and exhilarating. The feeling is real but it's based on vapors. You are each projecting what you want a relationship to be on blank slates divorced from any of the unpleasant realities of daily life. The fact that it is an illicit relationship reinforces this fantasy aspect - not only makes it more exciting but forces you to isolate it from your "real" lives. You each see the other as the most wonderful person ever because that's what you want to see in them, that's what the other person is telling you about yourself, and none of those wonderful virtues ever have to be tested by real life situations. The truth is, she/you could be anyone, you aren't soulmates, you're just two people who happened to be looking for the same attention/escape. Either of you probably could have found the same "connection" with a number of other people at that PTA meeting if the opportunity had arisen. 

How do you know the difference? How well will that incredible "spiritual connection" hold up when she's separated from her support system because your failed business venture resulted in a bankruptcy that required you to move her across country and she's *****ing at you to get up at 3am and take care of the kid who just had a bad case of intestinal virus in his bed because she has bad menstrual cramps and you forgot to refill her Xanax prescription? I had a crusty old Master Chief working for me in the Navy who once advised my when I got engaged, that you don't have a real relationship until she walks in and takes a dump while you're shaving. May not have been elegant but he was right. The vapors supporting your illusion tend to vanish quickly. 

You do know that there is one woman who knows the real you, warts and all, and who has stuck with you through all of the real crap life has thrown at you. She may not be perfect, but no one really is. Maybe instead of fantasizing about what life could be like if you changed the woman, you could try fantasizing about what the woman you have would be like if you changed your life.


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## bfree

Soulmate? Are you still in high school? Has this woman you so dearly love been there when you were vomiting from the flu? Has she had to deal with all your faults and failures in life? She didn't experience these financial distasters you and your wife have shared. She didn't give birth to your children. You haven't found one of her tampons or pads in the trash basket. You've never had to argue with her over who sleeps on the wet spot. She hasn't seen you drunk or hung over. She's never had to follow you in the bathroom when you've just taken a dump like an elephant. Right now to her you are so wonderful. Wait until she learns who the real Dalls is.

After all that you and your wife have been through you're just going to dump her because its easier? She's been through financial heck and moved across the country with you and now you're going to trade her in for a new model? Friend, find some courage, end this affair, come clean to your wife and go to counseling. Frankly you should be ashamed.


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## Unique Username

Dalls said:


> I'd like to share my story as I am seeking advice. I've never experienced anything like this before so I wasn't sure where to turn to discuss it. I was raised in a household with two loving parents of 45 years and have never experienced divorce or issues like this before.
> 
> You apparently respect and admire your loving parents. They set a very good example. Perhaps speak with your Father. Let him know all the things you have laid out here. Get his perspective. Then speak to your Mother about ecerything and see what words of wisdom she has for you. These are the people that made you (literally) and love you and have your and their grandson's best interest at heart.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for over 7 years with a 5 year old son. She is a great mother, a great person and for the most part a great wife.
> 
> Remember this when you are re-reading what you have written and the feedback from others. Did you mean this?
> 
> However, my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year or so for several reasons including:
> 
> Early in our marriage we faced some significant financial challenges including losing our home, almost going bankrupt and severely struggling for about 2-3 years.
> 
> Please expand. Remember, you are anonymous. But this is an extremely critical piece to your puzzle
> 
> During this time I believe she holds me responsible
> 
> Maybe. But you didn't expand. What led to the devastating financial situation?
> 
> for the reasons that *lead to our demise.* (Freudian Slip? already decided?)
> 
> 
> Also she became pregnant (It does take _TWO_ to Tango in the Sheets...just sayin) during this time and
> 
> was forced to return to work when our child was still an infant because we had no other choice financially. This was something she didn't ever want to do, and I believe she still resents me for this.
> 
> She might. Again, How did you get yourselves in this position in the first place? Sounds to me like she stuck by your side when things were rough (for Richer for Poorer) and had to sacrifice something she never wanted to do (having to go to work too soon after your son was born) But she did it. Sounds like she was doing the responsible ADULT thing, even though it broke her heart a little. Sounds like she is a heck of a Lady. Smart enough to know that she had to sacrifice some of her happiness in order for the Family to be better as a whole. Pretty selfless. Again, How and what happened to get into this dire financial strait?[COLOR]
> 
> 
> A few years ago we moved to the other side of the country for a fresh financial start, which has certainly improved things for us on that front, _but has isolated her from much of her friends and family_ which has caused her to become emotionally distant from me.
> 
> So, she agreed to follow her husband all the way across the country, leaving friends and family to help create a better Family Unit and because it is what you wanted? Hmm again, sounds like she made some great sacrifices yet again. Left her support system for you.
> 
> When we were first married I believed we had the ammunition as a couple to face any adversity together and become stronger. At the time things were going on, she coped very well with everything.
> However now that we've emerged from this adversity we've both realized how much it changed us and how we both grew apart and became different people as a result of it.
> 
> What I've realized is that her and I have very different core values and life goals and that we are no longer aligned as a couple.
> 
> So, you financially emerged from the treacherous waters
> 
> 
> 
> I value pursuing my passions in life, having big goals and executing them.
> 
> I'm betting that once you expand on what took you to dire financial straits before was a "business venture" or "goal" and executing it. And once you have now emerged from the hole you made.....you feel like you should now try some other NEW venture/passion/goal?
> 
> She values security, stability, routine.
> 
> I don't see how her CORE value changed at all. She was ALWAYS doing what was stable and what would make her husband happy, what would help keep them financially afloat. Did her leaving her infant to soon and returning to work and moving across the country away from her family and friends...did this play a big part in getting you above water and "emerged" from the financial adversity of past?
> 
> After all the changes she adapted to, I can completely understand wanting to have some routine stability. ESPECIALLY having a young child. Structure and normalcy are the best things to help a child grow and learn and be happy.


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## Dalls

@UniqueUsername

You ask some hard hitting questions, no doubt. But you're also making alot of assumptions.

The financial situation we found ourselves in was 3 fold. 

Part of it was due to a significant debt that she mistakenly co-signed for a family member prior to us being married. This family member later became addicted to drugs and defaulted on the debt. I knew she brought this into the marriage beforehand so I don't have any maliciously feelings about it, but it is what it is.

Another matter was she left a stable career to work for a startup company just prior to the recession. It didn't survive and she was without work and income for some time.

The 3rd issue was we lost over $100,000 on a real estate deal that was initiated by myself (and resulted in us losing our principle residence due to a court judgment). I take responsibility for this.

All in all, these things compounded to financial losses in excess of $200,000 for us over a one year period, half of which I take personal responsibility for. I never once blamed her or criticized her for the choices she made that contributed to this.

All in all like many people the recession kicked the crap out of us, however we have paid off everything and are in the best financial shape we've ever been in.

I thought when we arrived at this juncture we would be in a position as a couple to enjoy it together, however all the adversity changed both of us, and even though we stuck together as it was happening, the issue of having different core values has now emerged. Funny how having financial stability often gives you clarity. You think differently when you don't have a mountain of debt hanging over your head or wondering how you're going to pay for your next meal.

Where we're at now is much different. This business has been several years of methodical planning and we have the financial backing to see it through, and can afford to absorb some losses if needed. In this case, any mistakes wouldn't cripple us like they did 5 years ago.

I understand the perception that I now want to leave when things are good, even though she stuck with me when things were tough. That's a fair point to an outsider, but it doesn't change the fact that we may no longer be a match for a variety of other reasons.

As to moving across the country, this was actually initiated by her when she was offered a transfer. She makes more money here, and has a much shorter commute, something that was unattainable in our hometown.


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## Dalls

Mavash. said:


> This place is full of people in pain from the fallout of infidelity.
> 
> You came here with a very hot topic.


Evidently. Seems like my use of the word "soulmate" was especially sensitive.

I guess everyone has different definitions of the word, but to suggest I'm living in "rainbow and unicorn land" is simply not true. 

I'm putting as much time and thought into this decision as humanly possibly. It will likely be the most impacting decision I make in my life to date.


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## waiwera

#1 stop shopping for a new love of your life while your still MARRIED.
Get your mess at home sorted (one way or another) before you and your new girl friend make any more plans for your fairy tale life together.

#2 then move on.....

Because right now your a cheater.... is that the kind of person you really want to be?


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## Dalls

bfree and Screwed Everything have made some good points.

Putting aside my wife's good qualities, her loyalty etc (which I am not ignoring), how does one rekindle an emotionless, sexless marriage, filled with criticism and hostility, where both partners want different things in life and when one partner is not open to the idea of counseling (I am and she is not)?


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## lifeistooshort

Once again, a crucial question: if you leave your wife for your "soulmate" and it doesn't work out, will you regret leaving your marriage? The answer may well be no, but I get the feeling it may be yes. Think carefully about this, because if you have an affair or leave for someone else, your wife and everyone that knows you will never look at you the same. You think you can hide OW for a while but people are going to put two and two together. I left my first marriage for someone else, though I will add that i did not carry on during the marriage, but I knew very well things might not work out. I wanted out of the marriage, period. No plan B, no backup plan, I was fully prepared to be alone. Are you? FYI, I am now happily married to that man and have been with him for 8 years but I'm still glad I just ended my marriage cleanly. That's why I suggested you not be a scumbag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dalls

lifeistooshort said:


> Once again, a crucial question: if you leave your wife for your "soulmate" and it doesn't work out, will you regret leaving your marriage? The answer may well be no, but I get the feeling it may be yes. Think carefully about this, because if you have an affair or leave for someone else, your wife and everyone that knows you will never look at you the same. You think you can hide OW for a while but people are going to put two and two together. I left my first marriage for someone else, though I will add that i did not carry on during the marriage, but I knew very well things might not work out. I wanted out of the marriage, period. No plan B, no backup plan, I was fully prepared to be alone. Are you? FYI, I am now happily married to that man and have been with him for 8 years but I'm still glad I just ended my marriage cleanly. That's why I suggested you not be a scumbag.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The answer is probably no, I wouldn't regret it. However, I can not say that with 100% certainty yet and I need to discover that before I decide to exit. 

At the same time, I want to do whatever is possible to increase my odds that a long term relationship with the OW would be successful. I'm not naive to the fact that being "soulmates" and having a connection is not synonymous with having a successful relationship/marriage.


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## Dalls

waiwera said:


> #1 stop shopping for a new love of your life while your still MARRIED.
> Get your mess at home sorted (one way or another) before you and your new girl friend make any more plans for your fairy tale life together.
> 
> #2 then move on.....
> 
> Because right now your a cheater.... is that the kind of person you really want to be?


For what it's worth, I most certainly wasn't, or am not, "shopping".


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## Catherine602

Dalls It sound like you and your wife agree that you dont have much of a marriage. But for the sake of your son, D and then pursue this woman.

If her marriage is bad she should do the same. The pain and chaos of an affair and then D is much worse for a child than an orderly departure.

Also, you need time to plan out how to handle the negative impact on your child. D does not have to be bad for kids if parents put them first and come up with a viable plan. 

I wanted to point out some factors that you may want to consider. Your soul mate is a cheater. She is the type of woman who takes time and energy away from her children to indulge in a fantasy. 

OW deceives and humiliates her nice husband and contemplates disrupting the lives of 2 families, multiple children and two spouses. 

But if you must have her, do it the right way on your end at lest. A woman like that won't go anywhere while you get your family prepared.. 

You are too valuable to her. You are her easy ticket out of her marriage. The fog state is like drinking a six pack of beer. You lose your inhibitions and do things you may latter regret. It will take time for you 2 to emerge from fantasy land. 

Maybe it will hit her when she gets out and faces the reality of a blended family, step parenthood and financial strain. Be prepared for a reaction very familiar to you. You know, like your wife. 

The difference is that OW cheats to get out. Good luck anyway.


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## lifeistooshort

Dalls said:


> The answer is probably no, I wouldn't regret it. However, I can not say that with 100% certainty yet and I need to discover that before I decide to exit.
> 
> At the same time, I want to do whatever is possible to increase my odds that a long term relationship with the OW would be successful. I'm not naive to the fact that being "soulmates" and having a connection is not synonymous with having a successful relationship/marriage.


Fair enough, but understand that it's going to be difficult to evaluate your marriage fairly while you're hung up another woman that you've only experienced the best of. In my case, I had already decided to leave my hb because he was an abusive jerk. I was making plans to leave him before I even met my now hb. The fact you through out sleeping with ow before you decided whether to leave your marriage suggested you still have one foot in it. Don't have anything to do with ow for a little while and get both feet out of that marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unique Username

Dalls said:


> For what it's worth, I most certainly wasn't, or am not, "shopping".


No, you've already found her...no need to shop.

Interesting question for you. Is she a Capricorn and you are a Gemini or a Taurus?

From what you've said I actually don't see that EITHER of you have changed ANY core values.

I can see that maybe you VIEW them differently now....but from everything you've written neither of you have changed any of your leopard spots in the core value area.

When people become parents. Things change. You now have another individual that you are COMPLETELY responsible for their existence, wellbeing and happiness AND future! So in this respect, most parents (especially Mothers) want financial security (core things like food, shelter etc.)

You haven't mentioned any thoughts about your son. He didn't ask you to start emotionally bonding with another woman. Have you thought how this will affect him, growing up without Dad there everyday? Is getting your ego stroked by your "soulmate" seriously more important? 

I see that you also didn't acknowledge my suggestion of talking to your parents. Is this because you know that they will be extremely disappointed in you? You are ashamed to share it with them? But seriously....they might be able to shed some insight that you could respect. 


The other MARRIED woman.....hmm grass isn't greener on the other side....it may LOOK greener but there may be massive pesticides used to keep it artificially green...weeds hiding

No one knows what goes on behind the closed doors of another couple's bedroom. So don't believe everything you are spoon fed.

Relationships based on lies and deceit most usually end in lies and deceit. Who gets hurt the worst....the kids losing out on parents and a nuclear family. 

What you and your "soulmate" are getting ready to do is like lighting a couple of sticks of dynamite and nonchalantly tossing them into your respective family kitchen. 



Anyway...I really feel like you have already decided selfishly what you are going to do. You are just looking for validation...or something.

The best possible way out of your old life...is to make sure that your current wife and child are financially taken care of. That their lives are comfortable and happy. 

You seriously need to stop contact with the other woman and work on setting your family up to be happy without you. You may no longer love or want your wife, but she is the mother of your son and he loves her. think about that.


(and as for the assumption thing...what else can one do on a forum with only one side of the pancake shown?)


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## hereinthemidwest

Strange you post this...CALL IT LUST....it is what it is! 

A close friend left her marriage for a decon of the church. YES decon....lust/hot felt so good. Left her 17 year marriage....and decon is not who she thought. The excitement worn off fast...and sadly..decon was the devil. And she's left with ZERO! No man or childen to return to. SO THINK WITH THE BIG HEAD AND NOT THE WAR HEAR... aND YOU WILL BE OK.


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## mablenc

OP, is it possible that you can cut off contact with the OW, talk to your wife tell her what is happening and together decide to work on your marraige or divorce? She's part of the equation, she may want to stay with you and be willing to fix things or she may feel like you do and decide to divorce. You should give her a chance to fix things, with full knowledge of what's going on.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dalls said:


> This is an overly simplistic/
> \ and judgmental statement. Are you telling me that nobody has ever married the wrong person and found happiness with their second spouse?


No, it isnt overly simplistic, its honest. Of course people have married the wrong ones and found happiness with another. But what I was getting at with my comment was, that you are BOTH MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE. If you were really "soulmates", if it was truly magical or whatever, your meeting would be under circumstances where you could be together. You are talking about the possibility of making it long term with this woman, well, HELLO she has a husband! You are talking about breaking up someone else's family! And most likely, she isnt going to leave him anyway. You are BOTH cheaters. How in the world are you ever going to be able to trust each other in the unlikely event you end up together?

You sound done with your marriage, honestly. Man up and end it, and leave the other woman alone until she does the same.


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## Unique Username

Where we're at now is much different. This business has been several years of methodical planning and we have the financial backing to see it through, and can afford to absorb some losses if needed. In this case, any mistakes wouldn't cripple us like they did 5 years ago.

When you were writing this...to whom is the WE and US you were referring here?


----------



## EleGirl

Dalls said:


> bfree and Screwed Everything have made some good points.
> 
> Putting aside my wife's good qualities, her loyalty etc (which I am not ignoring), how does one rekindle an emotionless, sexless marriage, filled with criticism and hostility, where both partners want different things in life and when one partner is not open to the idea of counseling (I am and she is not)?


Before you decide to stay or leave your marriage, I suggest that you read two books in this order "Surviving An Affair" and then "His Needs, Her Needs" both by Dr. Harley.

The "Surviving an Afair" book will explain how your marriage got to the point it's at, why you think you found your soul mate, and can tell how to start fixing things in your marriage.

"His Needs, Her Needs" teaches you how to build your marriage into a passionate one.

You are miserable in your marriage. But it's important for your future that you give your marriage one last shot. Then you will know that you did everything you could do. Give it a time limit, say 6 months. If at the end of 6 months your marriage is not greatly improved, get a divorce. Then, and only then move on to another relationship. You will be a better person and have learned how to avoid a repeat disaster marriage the next time around.


You will need to end it with the OW because you cannot fix your marriage as long as you have any contact at all with her. She can go off and do the same thing with her marriage.

Do not leave your marriage for the OW. There is almost no chance that the two of you would last more than a few months together once real life entered the picture and you each had to depend on each other for all of our needs. Then there are the problems of children, blended family, etc. 

Now if you divorce and the OW is also single.. then you are free to pursue a relationship with her.


----------



## Dalls

Two of my most important posts, and questions have been conveniently ignored and some have chosen to cherry pick my comments that give them the most opportunity to judge.

Specifically:

_Putting aside my wife's good qualities, her loyalty etc (which I am not ignoring), how does one rekindle an emotionless, sexless marriage, filled with criticism and hostility, where both partners want different things in life and when one partner is not open to the idea of counseling (I am and she is not)?_

And:
_
Here is an article that accurately describes my situation. Any comments?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ifferent-kinds

The "Mind-Body"Affair. Here's the most dangerous one of all for the lovers' existing relationships. It's so powerful because it feels so complete -- emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. Matt and Ellen, who consulted me as a couple, met through a parents' function at their children's school. Right away, they felt a strong, mutual con-nection. "If I believed in reincarnation," Matt told me, "I would say that we were together in a former life. We feel like ‘soul-mates.'" "I never thought a relationship could feel like this," said Ellen.

The "mind-body" affair is highly threatening to a marriage because it feels so "right." Of course, the couple may try to end it or turn it into a "just-in-the-head" affair, but that rarely works. Of all the different affairs, I've found that this kind most frequently leads to divorce and remarriage. The upside is that the new relationship often proves to be the right match for the couple. Nevertheless, it generates all the mixed consequences that all affairs produce, especially when children are involved._


----------



## Dalls

Unique Username said:


> No, you've already found her...no need to shop.
> 
> Interesting question for you. Is she a Capricorn and you are a Gemini or a Taurus?
> 
> From what you've said I actually don't see that EITHER of you have changed ANY core values.
> 
> I can see that maybe you VIEW them differently now....but from everything you've written neither of you have changed any of your leopard spots in the core value area.
> 
> When people become parents. Things change. You now have another individual that you are COMPLETELY responsible for their existence, wellbeing and happiness AND future! So in this respect, most parents (especially Mothers) want financial security (core things like food, shelter etc.)
> 
> You haven't mentioned any thoughts about your son. He didn't ask you to start emotionally bonding with another woman. Have you thought how this will affect him, growing up without Dad there everyday? Is getting your ego stroked by your "soulmate" seriously more important?
> 
> I see that you also didn't acknowledge my suggestion of talking to your parents. Is this because you know that they will be extremely disappointed in you? You are ashamed to share it with them? But seriously....they might be able to shed some insight that you could respect.
> 
> 
> The other MARRIED woman.....hmm grass isn't greener on the other side....it may LOOK greener but there may be massive pesticides used to keep it artificially green...weeds hiding
> 
> No one knows what goes on behind the closed doors of another couple's bedroom. So don't believe everything you are spoon fed.
> 
> Relationships based on lies and deceit most usually end in lies and deceit. Who gets hurt the worst....the kids losing out on parents and a nuclear family.
> 
> What you and your "soulmate" are getting ready to do is like lighting a couple of sticks of dynamite and nonchalantly tossing them into your respective family kitchen.
> 
> 
> 
> Anyway...I really feel like you have already decided selfishly what you are going to do. You are just looking for validation...or something.
> 
> The best possible way out of your old life...is to make sure that your current wife and child are financially taken care of. That their lives are comfortable and happy.
> 
> You seriously need to stop contact with the other woman and work on setting your family up to be happy without you. You may no longer love or want your wife, but she is the mother of your son and he loves her. think about that.
> 
> 
> (and as for the assumption thing...what else can one do on a forum with only one side of the pancake shown?)


Actually, I am a Sagittarius and both women are Cancer. Interesting, as I've never read this before. 

Cancer and Sagittarius Love Compatibility - Astrology.com

_Cancer and Sagittarius

When Cancer and Sagittarius make a love match, they both need to be patient and give the relationship time to grow and mature. As it develops, each love partner will discover that they have much to offer one another. At first, it just seems like Sagittarius is the thrill seeker who enjoys the occasional adrenaline rush, and that Cancer derives much more satisfaction from emotional security. Early in the relationship, Cancer may want more of a commitment than Sagittarius is willing to give. But as time goes by, Sagittarius will learn to appreciate the strong emotional support that Cancer offers.

These two lovers, Cancer and Sagittarius, have different approaches to life; Cancer lives on emotion and tradition, and Sagittarius is the restless wanderer. Cancer’s emotional tidal wave can be difficult and overwhelming for Sagittarius to accept. And Cancer might be resistant to accepting their Sagittarian mate’s restlessness and craving for external activities. A Cancer partner can offer a Sagittarius a secure home base, a place where Sag can go to keep their dreams and ambitions in perspective. The Sagittarius free spirit can lend Cancer’s daily life a little diversity and excitement.

The Moon (Emotion) rules Cancer, and Jupiter (Philosophy) rules Sagittarius. The Moon is about love, nurturing and the maternal instinct. Jupiter focuses on expansion, optimism, luck and travel. Together this is combination of growth and expansion and of masculine and feminine energy; the two can sustain each other. When working toward a common goal, these two can combine their energies to great effect.

Cancer is a Water Sign, and Sagittarius is a Fire Sign. Sagittarius desires freedom, while Cancer longs for emotional security and stability, and these basic needs color their approach to life, to projects and to relationships. One lover may not always get where the other lover is coming from, but when they put their complementary energies together, sparks can fly and dreams can come true. If they value their intimate connection and their friendship and respect one another’s opinions, their conflicts can usually be resolved.

Cancer is a Cardinal Sign, and Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. Sagittarius moves from idea to idea and venture to venture as the feeling takes them, while Cancer is the instigator of new plans. A Cancer mate must give their Sagittarius lover the freedom to explore their own space and interests external to the relationship. Cancer can bring Sagittarius’ great ideas to life, even if Sagittarius has lost interest and moved on. Sagittarius teaches Cancer the virtues of an open mind over constant and inflexible determination.

What’s the best part of the Cancer-Sagittarius love match? The security they can give one another (once Cancer gives Sagittarius the freedom to offer that security freely). They make a compatible couple once they open themselves up to one another and accept as valid each other’s differing life philosophies. If the lines of communication remain open and clear, and as long as these two take time to appreciate and celebrate their differences, theirs will be a stable and happy relationship._

As for my parents, I plan to discuss with with my father when I see him in person next which will be in a few weeks.

I am hesitant due to the fact they have a good relationship with my wife and I don't necessarily want them to know all the gory details in the event we stayed together.

The well-being of my son is my primary concern. Obviously I don't want to set a poor example which is why I believe we could work out an amicable departure and my wife and I could work towards a common goal of ensuring his stability and well-being. I don't question that we could agree on this, and would likely be a joint custody arrangement.

Obviously it's not ideal as I would like to be present everyday of his life, but I believe it's better than the alternative of seeing him grow up in an unhappy home. I would certainly not introduce my son to the idea of an affair at this age, nor would I treat his mother with anything less than the utmost respect in his presence.


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## Dalls

Unique Username said:


> Where we're at now is much different. This business has been several years of methodical planning and we have the financial backing to see it through, and can afford to absorb some losses if needed. In this case, any mistakes wouldn't cripple us like they did 5 years ago.
> 
> When you were writing this...to whom is the WE and US you were referring here?


Us, being my wife and I. We have the financial backing to sustain the business, and I'm in a position to make sure she's well looked after should I choose to depart.


----------



## EleGirl

Dalls said:


> Two of my most important posts, and questions have been conveniently ignored and some have chosen to cherry pick my comments that give them the most opportunity to judge.
> 
> Specifically:
> 
> _Putting aside my wife's good qualities, her loyalty etc (which I am not ignoring), how does one rekindle an emotionless, sexless marriage, filled with criticism and hostility, where both partners want different things in life and when one partner is not open to the idea of counseling (I am and she is not)?_


This was not ignored. I gave you an answer that works. It’s a proven solution. But I guess it’s not what you wanted to hear.


----------



## EleGirl

Dalls said:


> Here is an article that accurately describes my situation. Any comments?
> 
> http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ifferent-kinds
> 
> The "Mind-Body"Affair. Here's the most dangerous one of all for the lovers' existing relationships. It's so powerful because it feels so complete -- emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. Matt and Ellen, who consulted me as a couple, met through a parents' function at their children's school. Right away, they felt a strong, mutual con-nection. "If I believed in reincarnation," Matt told me, "I would say that we were together in a former life. We feel like ‘soul-mates.'" "I never thought a relationship could feel like this," said Ellen.
> 
> The "mind-body" affair is highly threatening to a marriage because it feels so "right." Of course, the couple may try to end it or turn it into a "just-in-the-head" affair, but that rarely works. Of all the different affairs, I've found that this kind most frequently leads to divorce and remarriage. The upside is that the new relationship often proves to be the right match for the couple. Nevertheless, it generates all the mixed consequences that all affairs produce, especially when children are involved.[/I]


There is nothing in that post that all of the regular posters here do not already know. 

What do you want in a response to this? 

Yea, affairs harm marriages. The more involved affair partners are emotionally the worse it is for a marriage. Most affairs are fantasies that fall apart when one or both affair partners leave their spouse, divorce then have to finally depend on each other.


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## bfree

Dalls, you want to know what to do? I've already told you but I'll say it again. End this affair. Go complete no contact. Tell your wife and ask if she wants to work on the marriage. You said she refuses MC. If that is still true after you come clean then file for divorce. After you're divorced date (unmarried) women to your heart's content. What you're doing right now just ensures the destruction of your current marriage and effective sabotage to your "other" relationship.


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## bfree

You quote that article like it's some big revelation. It's not. An affair is an affair is an affair. The deeper the emotional connection the tougher they are to end. BUT THEY ALL END. Affairs aren't real. They're fantasy. When real life starts to shine on an affair they fall apart. Why do you think they are conducted in secrecy?


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## Thewife

If it has been your wife who had affair given the same situation, you wouldn't feel how you feel now. Divorce itself is not bad or ugly but affairs are, darn disgusting. Sorry that's my view. Hope you will give your marriage a honorable closure before going further with your soulmate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## javawave

You are married. End it or fix it before you go elsewhere. You owe that to both women.


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## Unique Username

If your "soulmate" is indeed this,

then making an immediate clean NO CONTACT while you each take a step back and really investigate your own personal shortcomings and responsibility for looking outside your marriage for affirmation from another instead of turning inward. Both need to think long and hard about their spouses (whom you both presumably pledged to love, HONOR, cherish etc etc - the parents of your children with whom you will be connected because of them FOREVER whether you like it or not.) 
Then take a good hard, long look at the years of your marriage and all that you both went through together. Before and after the birth of your child(ren in the AP's case.) 
Then look at what events took place to bring you to the emotional affair. Take full responsibility...own your own part in it.

Give it a couple months. Actually do the introspection to realize what shortcomings you have had, what YOU did. You've already decided your spouse's shortcomings and her actions/inactions that "made" you stray. With NO CONTACT with the AP - and when the endorphins and haze/glaze/fuzzy feelings of "new love with your soulmate" fade...you will actually be able to take an agonizing reappraisal of exactly what you need to do.

(Just remember that you decided to choose someone else to confide in. You were the one who had the emotional affair. The right thing is to make sure that your First Wife and Mother of your Son are financially taken care of. You owe her that. If you ever really loved her and love your son, the best possible thing you can do to help them eventually be happy, make sure that they at least don't have to worry about financial matters. It was your decision to cheat (yeah it is still cheating to have an emotional affair) your wife and son should still be able to continue to live in the same or better lifestyle that they are NOW accustomed to.)

Melding families is not as easy and peachy keen as was on the Brady Bunch. This portion of it, you probably haven't spent a lot of time thinking about. But you should think greatly about it. You would become a step-dad = these/her kids may really resent the fact that you are the man that home-wrecked and broke up their family. 
What will your son's reactions be to the other children, to the Affair Partner Other Woman who broke up his family and disrespected his mother? 

Your wife won't go to marriage counseling? That doesn't stop you from going and working on yourself and getting useful tools in how to deal with your son's heartbreak in all this if nothing else.

If after a good few months of no contact, and self-reflection...when the fog has lifted and reality is in your face - right now - current - awake - cognizant....then see if your perspective has changed.

You do owe your wife full-disclosure. She deserves to know the whole picture to make cognizant, aware decisions affecting her future and her son's future. If she is done with you emotionally, then this knowledge of your Emotional Affair may cement her agreement with you about an amicable and EQUITABLE parting of the ways. She may be relieved that she can move on with her life with someone who DOES want security, routine, stability etc. If you once loved her, or still do as the Mother of your son - then you would want her to have every opportunity to be happy as well. 

I have found that when someone is happy with themselves ad their new relationship = they have no reason to make life miserable for their former mate and children right?! If you are in love and happy, don't you want your old family to have that too?



Maybe you are scared that NO CONTACT with her will have the AP seeking yet another to latch on to? Possible. But if she is your "soulmate" as you claim/say then what are you worried about? "Soulmate" is meant for you, destined to be together, it's in the stars etc etc etc then she will wait and abide by the no contact, meant to be? Real first test is to let the fog lift. I know you say no fog blah blah blah..but you are living in fantasy at the moment and you don't realize it. Whether you stay with current wife or move on with the EAP then a few years from now (or maybe months) you will see that yeah, I was in a fog of sorts..wonder why I didn't see it.
You know there is a honeymoon phase to all relationships, before mundane day to day sets in. Think back, you'll remember.

I would seriously like to hear from you in oh let's say a month, when you have completely STOPPED contact with the AP. Let us know how your points of view have remained constant, and which ones have changed. 


Take the energy you spend on justifying the EA, the time you've spent proving how she is your soulmate...and spend the same energies to own your own portion of the demise of your relationship. 
Then you need to have a good long talk with your wife about things.
Tell her how you feel and what you want and ask her what she wants.
How do you view your lives in the future, what dreams and aspirations do you both have...are they congruent? If not, then help her achieve her dreams as you exit. Perhaps putting her first, instead of yourself might make her warm the frozen places caused by being a full-time mom. working full-time, going from homeless to where you are now. That had to take a toll on both of you. Give her a break.
Perhaps going about it in terms of how you can help her and your son achieve their life goals may make her see you in a new light.

I'm rooting for you to make sure that you are a man. Provide and protect your original family. You owe it to them. Especially if you are going to exit the picture. 

When talking with your parents - I don't mean you have to discuss sex or that sort of thing. Just honestly talk about what YOU have done and get perspective that way. No reason to trash talk the wife, they (your parents) wouldn't respect that...and they(neither your parents nor your wife and son) don't deserve it. There truly is no justification for affairs, so don't try to justify it. Measure FACTUAL information...like I wasn't getting the emotional support (ego stroking) from my wife so I sought it out from another. And if you didn't seek it out...then the AP she certainly saw exactly what you needed and or WANTED to hear that your wife wasn't giving you...honed in on it and started constructing her web to ensnare you.

I mean really, sounds like your wife is finally feeling like you are out of the financial woods so she doesn't want to take the risks of losing it all again.....can you blame her? So, because YOU want to follow your "dreams/goals" and she doesn't think it's a good idea...you found someone who does. sound about right?


----------



## Shaggy

Dalls said:


> This is an overly simplistic and judgmental statement. Are you telling me that nobody has ever married the wrong person and found happiness with their second spouse?


Actually no, it's simply a cold hard truthful analysis of the situation. What it isn't is what you wanted to hear.


You are choosing to be disloyal to your wife and child.

You have already chosen to be emotionally disloyal to your wife and betrayed the trust she gave to you by your choosing to go down the rabbit hole of having an emotional affair with this married woman.

And it's clear you very much want a loophole or a rationalized permission slip to permit you to take this to a full physical affair - without facing the hard truth that by doing so you are very much choosing to break your own word and vow to your wife and child.

You want to betray your wife, but not be the one in the wrong.

Trouble is - betrayal of your vow of loyalty and fidelity to your spouse is never ever ok. 

You've already betrayed her emotionally, and you know it's wrong. You want to go sexual too, but your looking for the rationalization to let you be 100% selfish and get what you want without facing the truth of how really wrong your choice to do so is.


Is being such a man, a man that betrays his own words to his wife something you think you would be proud or ashamed of in the eyes of your child.

Because the choice lies with you. You can be a good man of honor who makes honorable choices and sticks with them, even when they aren't the shiny thing that's got your attention and desire.

Or

You can be a dishonorable man, who's words and pledges are not to be trusted, because you will choose to abandon them when they are no longer the thing you desire. That you are the sort of man who betrays others for his own personal wants.

Which man do you choose to be?


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## lifeistooshort

Dalls, you're getting hammered he here for two reasons: one is because you think princess charming is going to sweep you off your feet when in reality your odds of success are very low. Not impossible, just very low. The other reason is because for whatever reason you're reluctant to leave your marriage even though you insist it's over, and you want to test drive ow before you decide. If that's not for purely selfish reasons then what is it? You're concerned about blowing up your family? You don't want to give up ow but the truth is that there's no scenario involving ow that doesn't f&ck up your family. So what's the issue? Drop the ow or leave your marriage now. Why the unwillingness to commit to one or the other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Dalls said:


> Us, being my wife and I. We have the financial backing to sustain the business, and I'm in a position to make sure she's well looked after should I choose to depart.


This is nothing more than you trying to buy back your integrity with an offer of cash to your wife.

You pledged your loyalty to her when you married.

You pledged your loyalty to your child when you had them.

Now you are wanting to break your loyalty to both because you desire someone else.

Instead of working with your wife and family to build a mutually loving relationship, you have decided to buy the shiny new model , but you've still got the moral and financial contract with the old model to get out of. 

These aren't car leases to buy yourself out of, they are real people's emotions and lives you are negotiating to betray. There will be deep lasting consequences for everyone involved.

Do you take the high road and be a man of integrity who actively chooses to defend his own word and his wife's trust and love for him? Or do you go after what you right now desire, even though the cost will be a lifelong scar on his wife's heart , and set the example to your child that trust and loyalty isn't something their father believes in or values.


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## Shaggy

If you really want this woman, than walk up to her husband and honestly tell him that you want her and that you intend to have her.

Do this before you get physical.


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## PBear

I had an exit affair. All I can say is don't do it. It won't solve anything. If (when) it gets found out, it will likely remove the option of an amicable separation and divorce. It may be fun at first, but the stress and frustration of living a relationship you don't want to be in while just tasting something "better" will just eat at you.

End your marriage, if its that bad.. Nobody would blame you for getting out of a bad marriage when you're just not a match. But get out while your integrity is still reasonably intact (you ARE having an emotional affair, after all). 

Just my $0.02

C


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## Machiavelli

Dalls said:


> I'd like to share my story as I am seeking advice. I've never experienced anything like this before so I wasn't sure where to turn to discuss it. I was raised in a household with two loving parents of 45 years and have never experienced divorce or issues like this before.


Most likely your parents were wise and honorable people.



Dalls said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 7 years with a 5 year old son. She is a great mother, a great person and for the most part a great wife.
> 
> However, my relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year or so for several reasons including:
> 
> Early in our marriage we faced some significant financial challenges including losing our home, almost going bankrupt and severely struggling for about 2-3 years.
> 
> During this time I believe she holds me responsible for the reasons that lead to our demise.


That comes with the territory of being the head of the household.



Dalls said:


> Also she became pregnant during this time and was forced to return to work when our child was still an infant because we had no other choice financially. This was something she didn't ever want to do, and I believe she still resents me for this.


She does, but it is very common in the modern world, what with the State seizing half of a family's earnings to misdirect for its own purposes. In such a system, it's almost a requirement for the wife to work outside the home in order to keep food on the table. While women may understand this intellectually, it goes against their motherhood instincts. She may not even be fully aware of this resentment. Fortunately, it can be rather easily overcome.




Dalls said:


> A few years ago we moved to the other side of the country for a fresh financial start, which has certainly improved things for us on that front, but has isolated her from much of her friends and family which has caused her to become emotionally distant from me.


Nope. Distancing her from her family and friends should not cause distance from you. That's coming from somewhere else.



Dalls said:


> When we were first married I believed we had the ammunition as a couple to face any adversity together and become stronger. At the time things were going on, she coped very well with everything. However now that we've emerged from this adversity we've both realized how much it changed us and how we both grew apart and became different people as a result of it.


I smell a load of self serving BS coming up.



Dalls said:


> What I've realized is that her and I have very different core values and life goals and that we are no longer aligned as a couple.* I value pursuing my passions in life, having big goals and executing them*.


Sounds like a man.



Dalls said:


> She values security, stability, routine.


Sounds like a woman with a kid.



Dalls said:


> I believe neither party can change their values


All you need is a sex change. That or grow up.



Dalls said:


> and our different outlooks on everything in life has manifested in the following ways:
> 
> - Increased irritability and hostility towards each other over small things.


Not enough sex.



Dalls said:


> - Very little sexual desire or chemistry. We have been sleeping in separate beds for 6 months and have sex maybe once every month.


No sexual desire for women in general or just for your wife? It's clear that your wife has no sexual desire for you, which brings us to the question, how much weight have you gained since you married?

How do you expect to have sex when you aren't in bed together?




Dalls said:


> - Cold, distant, isolation from each other. I stay in my corner of the house, she stays in hers.


Just another aspect of the fact that you've lost your mojo with her.




Dalls said:


> - We very rarely talk unless it has something to do with our son.
> 
> 
> - Constant judgment and criticism towards any opinion or action of mine.


Again, more indicators of no sexual attraction. A marriage is all about sex, plus the kids that come from it. Since your wife doesn't find you to be sexually hot, all of these manifestations are one and the same thing: you don't have it sexually.




Dalls said:


> The turning point for us was about 6 months ago I expressed to her that I needed her emotional support more than ever as I was entering a new business venture. Although she said she supported me, I think she has no desire to pursue this considering the past financial challenges we've faced. Although I respect her position, she brought up in our discussion that she is not a vocal emotional supporter and that *I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted from a wife *and she needed to decide if she was that person.


What is that you want, besides sex, that she doesn't want to give you? If she is sexually attracted to you, a woman is willing to follow your leadership, almost invariably.



Dalls said:


> As I was spending time soul searching to discover the answer to that question, I met another woman (also married with children) that I would consider my soul mate.


Soul mate? Sorry, I didn't realize you were a lesbian and just assumed you were a guy. Since "soul mate" = rainbows and unicorns, I see the error of my ways. Sorry, I still haven't digested the idea of "gay marriage" very well.



Dalls said:


> I never even believed soul mates existed until I met her.


When you met her your IQ dropped 45 points and you started believing in "soul mates." A reality distortion field like that is usually a sign of strong sexual attraction to a woman.



Dalls said:


> Her and I have an unbelievable connection that I have never experienced with anybody before (even my wife - ever), we have numerous common interests, we are aligned spiritually, emotionally and in every way possible. We have had deep conversations and have communicated in ways that neither of us have ever experienced before. It feels very real, and we both believe we are meant for each other.


Okay, so you're back in junior high and at least one potentially adulterous woman finds you sexually attractive enough to blow up her family. Heady stuff. 

How often do women hit on you generally?

How would you rate this woman's physical hotness on a factor of 1 to 10, 10 being the hottest? 

How many kids does she have from how many different men? 

I already know your sex rank: borderline delta/gamma.





Dalls said:


> We have not had a sexual affair yet, but certainly an emotional one. This is a woman who I can share my hopes, dreams, desires, fears and deepest emotional issues with. She can do the same with me. Sharing any of the above with my wife usually results in judgment. This woman brings out my very best qualities, embraces who I am and supports me, encourages me and lifts me up unlike anyone I have ever known. Her marriage is much the same as mine. Married to a good man, but with very different values and alot underlying resentment due to different values and goals. Her and I are in complete alignment in these areas, and I too offer her what her husband does not.


Pure comedy gold.



Dalls said:


> The conclusion seems so obvious: both of us leave our spouses to start a relationship together. However, we know it's never that simple.
> 
> I have several questions about this:
> 
> 1. Is my love interest in this new woman predicated upon the excitement of something new? Or does there appear to be a basis for a sustainable long term relationship. And how do I know the difference?


Yes and yes. Men really were not biologically meant for "practical monogamy" as we experience it today. What you are experiencing is "limerence." This means you are basically not thinking straight and you're out of your gourd. An LTR these days is six months or more, so you can probably make it last that long.



Dalls said:


> 2. Is it our best interest to leave our spouses on the basis of a failing marriage, and then not make our relationship public until after the dust settles?


It's in your best interest, and that of your children and families, that you graduate from sixth grade and start acting like a rational adult.



Dalls said:


> I know that if my wife knew there was another woman involved and suspected cheating, she would be very vindictive during a divorce with regard to any financial and custody matters.


You truly are delusional; it's the limerence. Whether of not your wife gets a whiff of the facts, she's still coming after you with both barrels and rightfully so.



Dalls said:


> As it stands I have a very fair offer in mind that I am confident she would accept if we could end the marriage amicably.


You aren't delusional, you're having a hallucination.



Dalls said:


> 3. Should me and this new woman have a sexual encounter before we decide to make this decision? Both of us are hesitant to have a physical affair because if we do stay together it would set the expectation that both of us are willing to cheat, creating trust issues long term.


Yes. I think adultery is just the ticket. Does this woman's husband own a shotgun? 



Dalls said:


> 4. What impact would this type of separation have on our kids? My son is very adaptable and I believe he could handle it as well as any kid. In her case, I don't know her kids well enough but it would be harder since she has two.


Yes, your kids will do fine. Kids from broken homes always do better in school and show higher confidence and achievement throughout life. They will not need any psychological counseling. There are many studies that support these conclusions. You'll be giving your kid a leg up on life by blowing up his family. Just look at Obama; he turned out just fine. Your kids will love you for this and thank you often.



Dalls said:


> 5. Are my issues with my marriage legitimate reasons to divorce, or are they challenges every couple faces from time to time.


They very well could be legitimate; depends on who is withholding sex and why. The bottom line reality is that men get married to have a regular source of sex and legitimate offspring. Women provide those things in exchange for protection and security. Just from what you've put down here, you project weakness, lack of focus, and frankly, a lack of testosterone. 




Dalls said:


> 6. How often do marriages that start with an affair (emotional or otherwise) even last?


If you have to ask, you probably can't afford it. See, you're going to bring your baggage into any new relationship with your unicorn. When the seven year itch kicks in again, you'll be right in the same spot.




Dalls said:


> The last thing I want to do is throw away a salvageable marriage (if it is), damaging my relationship with my son, having a serious financial impact in pursuit or something that may not be real.


It's not real.



Dalls said:


> Any advice is greatly appreciated.


You need to start ignoring the BS put out by the popular culture and get into the realities of relationships. It's all about sex and attraction. Biology. Get in the shape of your life (six pack, golden ratio physique) start acting like a grown up man and you'll probably find your wife is suddenly sexually attracted to you. It's not rocket science, but you have to dig your way out from under a lot of imaginary bull manufactured by society, like unicorns and soul mates.

How often do random women hit on you?

What does your religion teach about divorce?


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## bfree

Dalls,

You think what you have is special. Its not. You think what you have is unique. Its not. You think your situation is different. Its not. Take a look at this and please understand that this is what you sound like to those of us here who have seen it all before.

WH and OW: Our Love is Real - YouTube

And this is what will happen when your wife finds out:

My Wife Knows Everything - YouTube


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## turnera

You are addicted.

How and why do we fall in love? While love is most often described in magical terms, the emotion of love is created and sustained through biochemical processes in the body – most notably the brain. These biochemical processes are often called The Chemistry of Love.

Different chemicals are involved in falling in love, and the way they relate to affairs are many. The Chemistry of Love can be a very good thing when two people are hunting for a mate..and devastating when allowed to promote an affair. For some, the falling in love causes the affair; for others, a strong sexual attraction or urge is the culprit. For many, falling in love and a strong sexual attraction can be very different emotions.

The Biochemicals of Love
Falling in love and strong sexual attraction can be different emotions, and they can exist separately because each involves separate biochemicals.

The Chemistry of Love: Sexual Attraction
The sexual attraction part of the Chemistry of Love is driven by the chemical testosterone. This is true for both men and women. It is the chemical responsible for sexual response, an urge to mate and is the driving force that peaks during the plateau phase of sexual arousal.

The Chemistry of Love: Romantic Love
Some of the other chemicals that are involved in the Chemistry of Love include phenylethylamine (PEA), dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, serotonin and adrenaline. All of these work in the brain and other organs of the body to produce certain feelings or changes in body function. Recent studies indicate that vasopressin might be involved in the process as well.

PEA – Phenylethylamine
The start of an affair – or any romantic relationship – often begins with PEA. This chemical is responsible for creating connections between nerve cells in the brain among other things. It also is responsible for stimulating the release of adrenaline from the pituitary and results in shortness or quickness of breath, increased heart rate and other physiological responses. A very mild version of PEA is found in chocolate, which explains why so many people really like chocolate.

Dopamine
The next chemical is dopamine. This is the neurotransmitter that when released in the pleasure center of the brain causes feelings of euphoria, intense pleasure and is actually responsible for the addictive nature of such things as cocaine or alcohol. In the early falling in love or what is called the infatuation phase of a relationship, dopamine is the cause of the strong feelings of wanting to be together increasingly often and for longer durations.

Since dopamine produces a strong sense of pleasure, in what is called the reward center of the brain, it is this reward that causes an addict to pursue ever more of the addictive substance. In the case of infatuation, this is what drives the lovers ever forward to get more of the pleasure each brings to the other in the relationship.

Increased levels of dopamine also cause a decline in serotonin in areas of the brain related to a sense of well-being or stability of thoughts. Low levels of serotonin lead to depression, but also to other reactions as time goes on. Studies using functional magnetic imagining to measure areas of the brain that light up or react to reduced levels of the chemical found them to be the same areas involved in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This may be the cause of the lovers obsessing over one another and all the other symptoms of this disorder that manifest themselves during the infatuation phase of a relationship.

Alcohol stimulates dopamine and so also has an effect on serotonin levels and might be one of the reasons so many affairs are related to alcohol consumption. Other drugs like cocaine, heroine, and even some prescription drugs can produce similar effects at times.

Note: Effexor is reputed to have this effect. Effexor also can depress the judgment center of the brain, which lowers inhibition levels. 

Oxytocin
Oxytocin is an amazing substance. It is the chemical that seems to be the cause of a bond between two individuals. It also appears to be the chemical responsible for the rewiring of the brain as we develop our memories. Only three percent of animals have high numbers of receptors for oxytocin in certain areas of their brains, and those that do have them tend to either be species that mate for life or the type where mother and father of offspring remain committed and together until the offspring are able to fend entirely for themselves.

Recent research on two types of voles has shown that the prairie vole which has high oxytocin levels will remain mated to one another for their entire lives, even raising multiple litters of young, and staying together even after they are no longer able to reproduce. These fury little creatures related to mice also seem to avoid other members of the opposite sex that are not their mate.

By contrast, their cousins, the Mountain or Montane voles are indiscriminate maters and move from one night stand to one night stand. They have very few receptors for oxytocin in key areas of their brains and much lower levels of the chemical.

In humans, the highest levels of the chemical are present in women just before they give birth. Interestingly, it appears that higher than normal levels of the chemical also exist in men who are present for the birth of their children and those levels remain higher than typical for some time after the children are born.

The next highest levels of oxytocin in both men and women seems to be immediately following the climax phase of the sexual act. In men, vasopressin also seems to be higher immediately following sex, and some have called the chemical the connection chemical.

Norepinephrine
Norepinephrine is related to amphetamines and can cause suppression of appetite, a rise in blood pressure and manic episodes similar to prolonged amphetamine use. It also can play a role in an affair, as well as a role in that feeling of being in love so many of us recall from when we were dating our spouse. It can cause us to feel happy – even giddy – and who among us has experienced that feeling when but teenagers as we fell in love for the first time?

The Chemistry of Love Is Similar to Addiction
Yes, I said addiction. Romantic love shares many characteristics with addiction due to the chemistry of love, as I will explain.

The Brain’s Reward System
As it relates to affairs, the reward system deep in our brains neither processes nor analyzes rational decisions and does not think in logical ways. It simply reacts to various kinds of stimulus, and this is at the heart of our emotional response to others. During the infatuation of an affair, higher than typical levels of dopamine cause addictive reactions similar to those of a crack addict getting high. At the same time, the high levels of dopamine appear to reduce the levels of serotonin, which can cause substantial behavioral changes such as depression, mood swings, obsession with the source of the addiction (that would be the affair partner) and other psychological manifestations.

The Biochemistry of Addiction
The way addictive substances work in the brain varies; however, the result of those various chemicals or substances as they relate to brain chemistry is really much more subtle.

For example, opiates affect the dopamine reward system differently than does a depressant such as alcohol. Heroine and other opiates (such as morphine) decrease the activity of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). GABA moderates the effects of dopamine by causing the receptors that accept dopamine to release the substance so that it can be reabsorbed into the neuron that sent it across the gap to stimulate the dopamine receptors in the first place. Heroine masquerades as GABA and replaces it in the receptors designed to latch onto it thereby preventing GABA from doing it’s work. The result is a sudden rush of euphoria and feeling of warmth that seems to permeate the senses.

So while heroine does not increase dopamine levels directly, by preventing a brain cell from releasing the substance it allows the effects to accumulate and the cell itself reacts as if extremely high levels of dopamine were present. Opiates do this simply by blocking GAB from being able to attach to the neuron thereby allowing dopamine to accumulate on the cell instead of being recycled.

Nicotine acts this way as well, though the overall effect is much more subtle. The process is very similar to heroine’s, since it ties to the same receptors and prevents GABA from doing its job to reduce the build up of dopamine on an individual cell.

Other chemicals that are addictive modify the chain of events in differing ways; however, what I am talking about here is how the brain is affected by the reward system involved in falling in love or having an affair. Given that, I don’t see how the mechanism of how the results are achieved greatly matters, since the net effect is the same for the feeling of falling in love as it is for becoming addicted to heroine. The degree to which a substance is addictive is more closely related to how radically it modifies brain function than to the way it works on the reward system in the brain.

True addictions also display an increased resistance to the substance over time and ever more of the substance is required to achieve the same net effect. PEA levels easily triggered in early falling in love stage of a relationship drop over time, and more stimulus is required to maintain the same feelings and sense of reward as time progresses. As PEA and the indicated dopamine levels drop, more and more stimulus is required to return to the previous states of euphoria, well being and obsession with the object of our love. This indicates to me that the mechanism is really pretty much the same as for a hard addiction - such as even heroine or crack.

Some addictive substances also affect other parts of the brain, as well, and can even affect other organs. Many of these are not related to the addiction as it relates to the psychological effects of the drug or substance but can be quite pronounced. Most of these effects are related to continued use of the drug and can cause detrimental effects in the heart, lungs, kidneys, liver and other vital organs. However, the way the brain perceives them is remarkably similar. and while falling in love does not typically cause long term effects in the liver like alcohol does, the reward system is at the heart of the addictive properties of each.

Another indication of true addiction is symptoms of withdrawal which can vary in intensity from substance to substance. These can include depression, loss of appetite, sleep disruptions, anxiety, phobias and even delusions. Again, I think that falling in love meets the same criteria., because withdrawal from a lover can have many of the same symptoms as withdrawal from an addictive substance.

Recovering From Addiction
I also think that many of the same steps for recovery from a chemical addiction apply to recovery from an affair as well. This similarity is especially true of depressant addictions which can be impossible or at least very difficult to overcome unless complete deprivation of the source of the addiction is maintained. Any drinking by an alcoholic feeds the addiction and anyone who has truly been addicted to alcohol would be advised to avoid all drinking if they hope to maintain sobriety. Likewise, in an effort to minimize the possibility of a rekindling of an affair it is in the best interest of one time lovers to avoid any contact with each other if they hope to stay clear of the effects of interacting with each other going forward.

There is a recent tool that has become available for researchers looking into the way certain things affect our brains. One of the very newest is functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging or fMRI. While MRI technology has been around for a while, fMRI allows looking at real time function of various internal workings of the body. This includes the brain which can be studied as certain types of events take place and not just the long term effects or echoes of things that happened as in the recent past. In one study something as simple as being presented with a photograph of a lover indicated a spike in activity in areas of the brain related to the dopamine reward cycle. Similar studies are still ongoing as to what areas of the brain are effected by certain types of substances and other stimulus of various types, but the same ares, those related to the dopamine reward system are highly, even hyper-active in both heroine addiction and feelings of being in love.

So some might argue that a feeling can’t be addictive in the same way as a substance such as crack or morphine, the parts of the brain are effected in quite similar ways and since the dopamine reward cycle is at the heart of the way we learn to equate the reward to the stimulus and seek out its effects in an obsessive manner, I think the current bulk of research would indicate a direct correlation between falling in love and becoming addicted.

Still to be studied very much are inhalants which are pretty hard to do trials on since many of these have toxic and severe effects on multiple parts of the body. Testing them would cause serious harm to the subjects under testing in most cases and so many of these are left to the theoretical realm along with various psychoactive drugs like LSD which can cause long term psychosis and other hazards too dangerous for much continued research.

Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates


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## hope4family

I'll only repeat what everyone else has said. 

There is no such thing as a soul mate.


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## Unique Username

Live Studio gig / Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - YouTube


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## hope4family

Unique Username said:


> Live Studio gig / Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone - YouTube


Epic. + 1 UU. 

In honor of love drugs & the fact that one of my female bestie's favorite songs. 

Michael Jackson Ain't No Sunshine - YouTube


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## mg33

While my situation wasn't entirely the same as yours, I was already in the process of a nasty divorce when I believed I had met my "soulmate."

We eventually married and have _our_ own set of problems! My son and he don't have the closest relationship, and things are definitely not all rainbows and unicorns even though it seemed that way when we started dating. We had much in common, were very compatible, etc...but that doesn't mean you will have a perfect marriage the second time around. 

I would definitely advise you to try everything you can to salvage your marriage so that you never have regrets or wonder "what if." This includes being honest with your wife so she can make the right decision for HERSELF and your son while knowing all the information there is to know.

But if you are past that point and don't want to try, divorcing her would be the appropriate thing to do especially because there is another woman involved.

Rekindling a spark and attraction can be difficult once you think it's gone, but you both have to want to try and you both have to give it your all otherwise it won't work.


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## Hope1964

How do you rekindle a marriage that sucks? It takes two to do so. The fact your wife refuses to go to MC speaks volumes about her commitment. Give her an ultimatum - either she agrees to a minimum of 6 months of MC or you divorce. During those 6 months you have NO CONTACT with the OW and you give 100% to your marriage. 

My husband and I managed to rekindle things. Unfortunately my wake up call came when he cheated, and his came when he got caught. Tell your wife this. Tell her that you have found yourself in an EA which you intend to end to work on things with her because you don't want to end up where we did. Then DO it.

Six months later, if things haven't changed, divorce. Like I already said, if this OW really is your soulmate, she will have done the same in her marriage, and you'll both be free to get back together.


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## Cee Paul

I have been going toe to toe with my wife butting heads for a good three years now and have wanted to leave her several times, but another part of me really loves her and I want us to exhaust everything we have to get this fixed somehow after nearly 8 years of marriage.


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## ThreeStrikes

Perhaps the OW's husband will show up and give OP a "wake-up" call.


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## bfree

Hope1964 said:


> How do you rekindle a marriage that sucks? It takes two to do so. The fact your wife refuses to go to MC speaks volumes about her commitment. Give her an ultimatum - either she agrees to a minimum of 6 months of MC or you divorce. *During those 6 months you have NO CONTACT with the OW and you give 100% to your marriage*.
> 
> My husband and I managed to rekindle things. Unfortunately my wake up call came when he cheated, and his came when he got caught. Tell your wife this. Tell her that you have found yourself in an EA which you intend to end to work on things with her because you don't want to end up where we did. Then DO it.
> 
> Six months later, if things haven't changed, divorce. Like I already said, if this OW really is your soulmate, she will have done the same in her marriage, and you'll both be free to get back together.


And guess what Dalls, if this other woman is truly your "soulmate" (yuck) then 6 months won't matter because the universe wants you to be together (again yuck.)


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## cdbaker

Yeah man, you said it yourself that you can't be sure of anything while you are neck deep in the affair with the OW, which very plainly means that you can't make any fair decisions while she is still in the picture.

You've just got to make a decision. Either start no-contact with the OW and give your marriage the chance it and your child deserve and were promised, or you accept that you value your selfishness more than you value them. If OW commits to the same, then you share responsibility for the damage done to her children and family as well.

Seriously, you are desperately searching for a way to rationalize your behavior, but it can't be done. The fog of an affair is very strong, and it clouds your view and judgement of everything outside of the OW. Let it be made clear, nothing is as wonderful as you think it is, and everyone will be hurt more than you think they will be.


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## Machiavelli

bfree said:


> And guess what Dalls, if this other woman is truly your "soulmate" (yuck) then 6 months won't matter because the universe wants you to be together (again yuck.)


Yeah...gotta love that "Universe." It wants everything we want.


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## Catherine602

Thought provoking Mac. Maybe it is the reverse.... If I want a thing or two then the universe wants me to have it too. The first law of cosmology - merging agendas of mortals and the celestial creates soul mates.


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## azteca1986

Dalls said:


> Her marriage is much the same as mine. Married to a good man, but with very different values and alot underlying resentment due to different values and goals. Her and I are in complete alignment in these areas, and I too offer her what her husband does not.


I think I can see why her husband is the odd one out; he probably still values fidelity.


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## Brzon

OP, you have certainly taken a beating here.

I recently spent an evening with my middle-school love of 30 years ago, and I don’t find your idea of a “soul-mate” ridiculous at all.

Then why are we both married to other spouses now? Well, it takes two to tango. There can’t be soul-mates unless two people are equally convinced at the same time.

If you and the OW truly believe that’s what you have, then you should be able to make a pact: no contact for one year, while each of you tries to fix his or her marriage with every means available. A year from now, you can compare notes. If you have both failed, and remain convinced, then you can set another six-month period of no contact, during which you each divorce your spouse.

After that, you can either reunite forever, or else, if you have lost interest, you will at least have left your failed marriages and gained a new understanding of what a soul-mate truly is.

If only one of you has lost interest, and the other hasn’t, well, better have your hopes dashed sooner rather than later, and you’ll both be free for other happiness.

Good luck...


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## turnera

That's great advice. Kind of like, if you see an expensive dress you want, don't buy it, but wait 3 days. If you still have to have it, then you really want it, and it's not just emotions flooding your decision.


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## Miss Taken

I see OP hasn't been back in a while. I doubt he'll take our advice. He'll probably have better luck on Loveshack.


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## RoninJedi

So you're willing to wreck the lives of your wife, your children, *her* husband, *and her children*.....

Dude, I'm trying really hard to be polite here, so all I'm gonna say is that you have a seriously screwed up perception of things, what you're pondering is stupid in ways that defy description, and you should get into counseling immediately for yourself and for *your* marriage, in that order.

Don't be an idiot.


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