# Apology



## GettingBetter

I just read on another thread about some BS wishing that their WS would come back one day to ask for forgiveness and a second chance just so they can tell them to f*** off...they had their chance and so on. I was one of those BS and wished the same thing for a while. But the other day I was thinking about it and came to conclusion that that would be the last thing I wanted now. Why? Well for a few reasons. First would be it would mess up with the emotional improvements I made in the last year. It would mess up my head again. Second, even though I could not imagine getting back with her part of me would be wondering "what if", only because of my kids. What if I missed this chance to give them a family, better life...what if maybe it could work out. It would feel as though I failed them. So, no, I do not want to hear that from her. I do not care about taking the power back into my hands. I already have the power over my life.
What do you guys think? Would you really want that or is it just some fantasy that you are having in your head. I would like to hear from the people who have been divorced/separated for quite some time now or have been going through the process for a long time.
Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hank_rea

I want that more than anything in this world. It's all I ever think about. But, then again, it has only been 2 months for me. I wouldn't tell my ex off, though. I'd see if we could make it work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford

I think there was a period last summer where he may have realised he'd made a mistake. He kept saying how sorry he was and that he never stopped loving me. He would never have had the balls to say 'I want to come back' but I know him well enough to know that had I begged he may very well have done so

Unfortunately for him I don't beg anyone, I'd moved on by then. 
I'm not interested in him asking for forgiveness - it's over. He did me the biggest favour ever. There's no longer anything to forgive


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## ScarletBegonias

I wanted an apology but then when it actually happened I didn't believe it anyway.It served no purpose.Receiving an apology,no matter how heartfelt and deep it seemed,felt flimsy and too little too late.
I had no words other than 'ok thanks'.The apology did absolutely nothing to benefit me and I feel it was more to alleviate his guilt and fear of bad karma.


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## dusty4

Oh it makes for a nice fantasy, but why waste our time with it? The best thing you can do to get back at an X is to let them know you don't give a crap about them and their lives by desiring no contact with them. Let them wonder all they want about how we are doing.

And if they contact us, then we can tell the to F off


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## Almostrecovered

most apologies to me, better serve the offender than the offended


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## unsure78

I got the apology about a few months ago, not asking to get back together but the apology. He was sick and thought he was going to die ( he had the flu hes a big baby).... I literally laughed after I got it, and sent him a text back "huh?". Hes was back to being his normal a$$ self a week later...


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## 3Xnocharm

I spent months making a fool of myself begging my ex to give us another chance. Now, I dont even want that anymore, I am too disgusted by his choices. What I DO want, however, is a huge, sincere, heartfelt apology for what he did to me. He has never really apologized for it. He has said that he "owns what he did" and "takes responsibility for it." Yeah, NOT good enough, I deserve a real apology.


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## BetrayedNoMore

GettingBetter, You will reach a point where you don't care about the WS anymore. If you expect an apology, you are still giving them control of YOUR life. They will eventually self-destruct and you can safely watch with your radiation suit on.


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## unbelievable

That little fantasy operates on the incorrect assumption that one person is responsible for the failure of the relationship. That is (almost) never the case. I've been married to some real pieces of work but I picked them. If someone needs to apologize to me, it's me. If someone deserves a kick in the pants, it's me. You really don't need an apology. Forgive her for being a flawed human just as you are flawed. Forgive yourself for being a flawed human. Figure out what you did wrong, learn from the experience, and do better in the future. Paying that expensive tuition to the University of Life is pointless unless you learn something.


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## Paradise

Wow....These are some great responses. I still catch myself thinking every now and then all of the what ifs....It would be a cold day in hell before my ex ever admits to doing anything wrong so why would I worry about it? Na, I was made into a monster by her and her family so I just roll with it. True I needed to fix some things of my own. I've forgiven myself. That's all that matters anyway.


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## EleGirl

I would not care one way or the other. The time for appologies is long past.


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## GettingBetter

BetrayedNoMore said:


> GettingBetter, You will reach a point where you don't care about the WS anymore. If you expect an apology, you are still giving them control of YOUR life. They will eventually self-destruct and you can safely watch with your radiation suit on.


Not at all. I know there is no apology coming ever. What would that be like? Sorry I f****d some other guy, messed up everyone's life...yada yada yada. It would mean nothing to me.
My question was more why some BS want their WS to come back and ask for a second chance just so they can tell them NO. Do they really feel by doing this they would have some of their power back? Do they think this would hurt their WS...something like a payback. 
I am a firm believer that the worst thing that happened to my WS is loosing a good man. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf

GettingBetter said:


> Not at all. I know there is no apology coming ever. What would that be like? Sorry I f****d some other guy, messed up everyone's life...yada yada yada. It would mean nothing to me.
> My question was more why some BS want their WS to come back and ask for a second chance just so they can tell them NO. Do they really feel by doing this they would have some of their power back? Do they think this would hurt their WS...something like a payback.
> I am a firm believer that the worst thing that happened to my WS is loosing a good man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Easy form of revenge is my guess as to why the BS wants the opportunity to tell them "NO". It makes no difference. It won't bother them in the least in many cases. They had to justify their actions before they carried through. 

The "good man" part is just a way to escape more hurt. I'm NOT saying you are not a good man. I bet you ARE. I also bet she doesn't think so and never will. She would not have strayed if she had.


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## GettingBetter

2ntnuf said:


> The "good man" part is just a way to escape more hurt. I'm NOT saying you are not a good man. I bet you ARE. I also bet she doesn't think so and never will. She would not have strayed if she had.


Then again, who cares what she thinks about me. She even told me couple of times during and after our D that I am a good man, great father and that she knows I will make someone happy. My response was "I know all that already" lol. But a few weeks after those statements she would get all nasty again. I know I am a good man. Better than ever. Divorce made me better. But for someone else this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

My first wife ran off with her history professor. Never apologized, didn't contest the divorce, none of that. And I couldn't care less. He's old and she got fat


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## 2ntnuf

GettingBetter said:


> Then again, who cares what she thinks about me. She even told me couple of times during and after our D that I am a good man, great father and that she knows I will make someone happy. My response was "I know all that already" lol. But a few weeks after those statements she would get all nasty again. I know I am a good man. Better than ever. Divorce made me better. But for someone else this time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mine told me I was a good man, too. She also said I would find someone. ahuh. okay.

The attitude that you will and are better and will find someone more suited to you is the right one. I am still working toward believing in myself again.


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## ExisaWAW

GettingBetter said:


> Then again, who cares what she thinks about me. She even told me couple of times during and after our D that I am a good man, great father and that she knows I will make someone happy. My response was "I know all that already" lol. But a few weeks after those statements she would get all nasty again. I know I am a good man. Better than ever. Divorce made me better. But for someone else this time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey GB, we have similar sitches, as you know. I've been D'd for over a year now. She's moved on with another guy for 9 months now & I've struggled (but I'm "getting better"; like u).

You know, I don't think my xW is capable of apologizing. Her narcissism prevents her from recognizing that what she did was wrong. I mean, from her perspective, she was no longer "happy" in the marriage, so her betrayal was therefore justified.

But, if she ever did apologize or want us back together at some stage down the road, I don't think I'd get a rise out of telling her to go pound sand. It's just too sad.

I'd probably tell her that I'm glad to see the remorse, ask her if she's asked God & our girls for forgiveness, and maybe have a more cordial, friendly relationship with her than we have now, but I wouldn't be mean or take her back (at least I hope I was strong enough to say no, lol).

She's just not a very good person. An awful person really. It has helped to finally see her how she really is, not how I thought she was all those years. In a way, I think some of us had a marriage "fog".

Or maybe they used to be who we thought they were but changed over the years to be selfish, etc. Hard to say really.


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## Jellybeans

I have never gotten The Apology. It's been over 2 years now since the divorce and I don't expect to hear it. I have gotten sporadic messages saying how much he misses/loves me/how much he still hurts.

Those things are touching but he didn't say them when they mattered. 

So life goes on, different, and marriage really does not have the appeal for me it used to.


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## Jellybeans

Dollystanford said:


> Unfortunately for him I don't beg anyone


:rofl:


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## GettingBetter

ExisaWAW said:


> Hey GB, we have similar sitches, as you know. I've been D'd for over a year now. She's moved on with another guy for 9 months now & I've struggled (but I'm "getting better"; like u).
> 
> You know, I don't think my xW is capable of apologizing. Her narcissism prevents her from recognizing that what she did was wrong. I mean, from her perspective, she was no longer "happy" in the marriage, so her betrayal was therefore justified.
> 
> But, if she ever did apologize or want us back together at some stage down the road, I don't think I'd get a rise out of telling her to go pound sand. It's just too sad.
> 
> I'd probably tell her that I'm glad to see the remorse, ask her if she's asked God & our girls for forgiveness, and maybe have a more cordial, friendly relationship with her than we have now, but I wouldn't be mean or take her back (at least I hope I was strong enough to say no, lol).
> 
> She's just not a very good person. An awful person really. It has helped to finally see her how she really is, not how I thought she was all those years. In a way, I think some of us had a marriage "fog".
> 
> Or maybe they used to be who we thought they were but changed over the years to be selfish, etc. Hard to say really.


So your X is still with the OM? Mine is already on the second guy...a month after her and POSOM "broke up"...lol. Some people just cant be alone. Yours will probably do the same. Jump from one guy to another, trying to find happiness. She spent no time on working on herself. I do pity her sometimes. But hey...not my problem .


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## Wiserforit

GettingBetter said:


> wishing that their WS would come back one day to ask for forgiveness and a second chance just so they can tell them to f*** off...


This is an expression of hatred, which is unproductive to your healing.

Even the vain hope for an apology is wasted mental and emotional energy. Why do you need it. Rise above needing it. Not needing the apology is victory.


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## GettingBetter

Wiserforit said:


> This is an expression of hatred, which is unproductive to your healing.
> 
> Even the vain hope for an apology is wasted mental and emotional energy. Why do you need it. Rise above needing it. Not needing the apology is victory.


Amen!!! That is what I am talking about. But I guess most of us went thru that phase wishing ex would be begging us back just so we can tell them no. I think I did. I know i did. Not any longer.


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## Paradise

GettingBetter said:


> So your X is still with the OM? Mine is already on the second guy...a month after her and POSOM "broke up"...lol. Some people just cant be alone. Yours will probably do the same. Jump from one guy to another, trying to find happiness. She spent no time on working on herself. I do pity her sometimes. But hey...not my problem .


Mine married the OM. Guess they are in that 3-5% of people who stick together. Lucky me!!!!


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## ExisaWAW

GettingBetter said:


> So your X is still with the OM? Mine is already on the second guy...a month after her and POSOM "broke up"...lol. Some people just cant be alone. Yours will probably do the same. Jump from one guy to another, trying to find happiness. She spent no time on working on herself. I do pity her sometimes. But hey...not my problem .


No, mine did not stay w/ the OM from her affair. She dated like crazy during the separation & after the divorce, sleeping w/ more men (4-5) than she did her entire previous life. She met some real losers & finally found a "normal" guy 3 months after the D. She's been with him ever since. They have talked marriage. He has 3 kids, she has 2. There's no way she can handle 5 kids, much less a full time job. Not my problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

I guess it's easier for me with no cheating involved. But due to the abuse I often wanted to see him hurt - mostly physically. I fantasized about car crashes and heart attacks. Wait, that was past tense. I still do. And when I even feel the tiniest glimmer of remorse for those feelings due to my daughter, it goes away as fast as it comes because he is not an emotionally healthy role model for her.

Most of the time I don't think about him at all. Not even here. He rarely crosses me mind unless I need something. Like needing to know his vacation weeks this summer so I can plan stuff. The order give May 1st as his deadline to tell me and I STILL haven't heard. Yet I have camps to plan for her, a week long meeting I will be attending that I need to arrange for... Hell he doesn't know what he's doing 2 minutes from now.

I never ever expected an apology. He still doesn't get why he was ever wrong because "I drove him to it". I don't need one to move on.


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## GettingBetter

ExisaWAW said:


> No, mine did not stay w/ the OM from her affair. She dated like crazy during the separation & after the divorce, sleeping w/ more men (4-5) than she did her entire previous life. She met some real losers & finally found a "normal" guy 3 months after the D. She's been with him ever since. They have talked marriage. He has 3 kids, she has 2. There's no way she can handle 5 kids, much less a full time job. Not my problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now that shows her character. Sorry about that. Mine is not there, but I can see it happening soon. She's been with her truck driver for about 5 months now. Introduced him to the kids and her family. From what I hear from her BIL the guy is a looser. Doesnt speak any english. He is never home (OTR truck driver), never married. Mine only had two partners before me. Well, I was her fist BF...broke up...reconected years later. She dropped her last BF the same way she dropped me. Just out of the blue, no explanation...two weeks later she hooked up with me. Should have seen the red flags from the very begining...but I loved her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostInMT

I think I am afriad of the day that she might want to apologize and ask to come back.

As much as there is still apart of me that wants "us" again, after what she did it would never be the same and I now knowing and seeing the person she really is, part of me doesn't want her back. As I said though, apart of me will always love her and wish we were together. Maybe not always.

As far as the apology, she has tried to apologize to me a few times. She did the other week when we went to court for the divorce. Right now I see it as too much of a knee jerk emotional apology because she was just upset as the next day she will treat me like **** or argue with me.

I highly doubt that her and the POSOM will work out, it's really only been a little over 3 months, The first month or so they barely saw each other and then they started living together at the end of March. The whole dynamic of their relationship and knowing her I just don't see it working. For her it's the fog, for him, it's a 26 year old pieace of ass and sugar momma (he's 47 and a complete loser).

Until they aren't together anymore I won't accept any apology as being sincere or remorseful.


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## ExisaWAW

LostInMT said:


> I think I am afriad of the day that she might want to apologize and ask to come back.
> 
> As much as there is still apart of me that wants "us" again, after what she did it would never be the same and I now knowing and seeing the person she really is, part of me doesn't want her back. As I said though, apart of me will always love her and wish we were together. Maybe not always.
> 
> As far as the apology, she has tried to apologize to me a few times. She did the other week when we went to court for the divorce. Right now I see it as too much of a knee jerk emotional apology because she was just upset as the next day she will treat me like **** or argue with me.
> 
> I highly doubt that her and the POSOM will work out, it's really only been a little over 3 months, The first month or so they barely saw each other and then they started living together at the end of March. The whole dynamic of their relationship and knowing her I just don't see it working. For her it's the fog, for him, it's a 26 year old pieace of ass and sugar momma (he's 47 and a complete loser).
> 
> Until they aren't together anymore I won't accept any apology as being sincere or remorseful.


Lost, hang in there. You're right. You're not likely to get a sincere apology until she's alone & thinking about everything she screwed up with you.

I don't know why I'm posting on this thread, really, because my WS/ WAW left our marriage w/ over 1/2 million and she's never gonna apologize. She had the GIGS & MLC thing going on and marriage/ me was the enemy in her mind.

One thing's for certain in our cases. Is an eventual apology truly sincere if we only get it when they hit rock bottom and view us in retrospect as a good thing?

I dunno... for me, it would ring a little hollow if we only got it once they hit rock bottom or "need" us for emotional support.

My $0.02


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## LostInMT

ExisaWAW said:


> One thing's for certain in our cases. Is an eventual apology truly sincere if we only get it when they hit rock bottom and view us in retrospect as a good thing?
> 
> I dunno... for me, it would ring a little hollow if we only got it once they hit rock bottom or "need" us for emotional support.
> 
> My $0.02


I can agree with that. It's a little of both in my perspective though.

Right now they are "happy" with the new relationship and therefore they don't fully understand what they did but as you said, by the time that actually happens it doesn't mean much anymore unless WE haven't moved on enough.


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## Dustball

I think it's normal to feel that way, getting an apology would mean the other person is wrong, you are right, and lovable again.

I used to think if my ex didn't back out at some point, I would be crushed. We are now divorcing, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed so that he never backs down, as OP says, it would bring about confusion, the inevitable "what if"s, and maybe make the divorce go slower. I can't wait to make it final. I desire it with every fiber of my being.


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