# Need help to cope



## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

Nine years ago my husband had his first EA. Then December 2013 again. And I thought again June this year. However it just came out he was texting three woman in December, stopped talking to two and kept on talking to one. So actually when he promised to end it he just ended it with the one I found out about. 

I found out about this woman in August. So many lies. We decided to try again. Things have been bad between us for the past two years. So I figured that I had a part to play in the whole mess. Even though I remember asking him over and over that we needed to talk and do something about our marriage. He just made promises.

Since August things have been good between us. For the first time he is trying to work on our marriage. We are both working very hard on our marriage. Problem is some of the lies he told me are coming out and every time it's like a total shock all over again.

Every time it's like I have to start all over again. The doubt, the hurt, the anger. I have to get a way that I can come to terms with this. That I can accept and move on, that I don't fall apart every time something new comes out. I suppose it is normal but I need to get past this. The hurt is too much. And the doubt, what if he is lying about it just being an EA. He supported this woman financially for six months while I struggled to keep us afloat financially.

I know this is not the best written letter, just as confusing as my feelings, please bear with me.

Please some advice from people that's gone through this, how do you get over it. How do you deal with every new detail. Did it work, are you still together. Is there hope for our marriage?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's called trickle truth. It is very common for the WS to withhold information. There are many reasons for it. Sometimes there are other things still going on they wish to hide, or details they fear if discovered are too embarrassing. Sometimes it's a misguided attempt to soften the blow, like too many details at once will hurt you.

If if he is voluntarily giving the details that is a good sign. But you are correct that every new admission is a new trauma to you. 

Get into marital counseling. Make sure he understands you need the whole truth, and have him go through it with whatever level of detail you need. He may fear this, or be embarrassed by it. Hopefully he is. He still needs to do it.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Stuck, Acoa is right in that you're dealing with trickle truth. It's a horrible thing to do to someone and I can state this because I did it to my husband. I initially told him just enough of my affair to answer his questions while withholding some of the details. Like the affair itself, I rationalized that it would only hurt him if he knew everything and I didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had.

The truth is it was more about self preservation than it was about helping him.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The time my husband was truly able to begin healing is when I stopped being selfish. That's what your husband is right now. He's still selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stuck11 (Jun 12, 2013)

He says that I was dealing with so much he felt the time was not right to tell me even more. He also says he discussed it with the counsellor and says that he said when the time is right he would have to tell me everything. I made another appointment with the counsellor. Trickle truth, that is exactly what it is. 

I am so tired. He sounds so sincere. For the first time in our 14 year marriage I feel that he is actually working on the marriage. It's now been two months and he has treated me like before we got married. Friends also commented on how well he treats me lately. But every time something happens I have to fight the feelings of doubt. Can I trust again? I'm not very good at playing policemen. Every time the signs were there and if I checked on him I would've found out much earlier, but I hate spying on my husband.

I was looking at something else today when I realized from the phone records that the A was going on much longer than he said.

Can you support someone financially without getting something in return? Why would he give her so much money if nothing was going on. He says he felt sorry for her and her two kids. Can I believe this?

I did not deserve this. I am working very hard so that financially we can be better off then he gives our money to some tramp. I can't even blame her. Maybe if I was in her situation I would have done the same. But even though I try not to hate her it's better that she stays away, I might just assault her LOL.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

are you in maritial counseling?
Did you hear the counselor tell your husband that he should hold off on giving you the truth?

Your husband is manipulating you. He wants to give you a partial truth so he can get back in your good graces. Once there he can supposedly tell you the rest. But forgiveness does not work this way. You need to know what you are forgiving in order to evaluate whether or not you can stay with him.

Based on everything you do know, why would you stay married to him? Facts you know:
-- He is a serial cheater
-- He is a liar
-- He gives away your family resources to other women
What is it that you are getting out of the marriage? I don't see much.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Stuck11 said:


> I realized from the phone records that the A was going on much longer than he said.
> 
> *Can you support someone financially without getting something in return?* Why would he give her so much money if nothing was going on.


No.

The chances of a him having "only" and EA for multiple months is practically zero. Men just don't fool around with EA's without getting sex, for that long. Add the financial help and that pretty much wraps it up. This was a PA, and probably not the first. Ask him to take a polygraph and watch his reaction.

You should absolutely assume it was a PA. If that is your line in the sand, you should be talking to a lawyer about divorce. 

Sorry.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I agree about the polygraph.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

badmemory said:


> No.
> 
> The chances of a him having "only" and EA for multiple months is practically zero. Men just don't fool around with EA's without getting sex, for that long. Add the financial help and that pretty much wraps it up. This was a PA, and probably not the first. Ask him to take a polygraph and watch his reaction.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yeah, pretty sure it's gone physical. Guys lose interest pretty fast if it's just talking and texting.

And the constant "working on the marriage" looks like it's getting you nowhere. He's repeating his behavior, and why not? , there haven't been any consequences.

He needs to wake up to the new reality: Divorce. But first do the polygraph.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stuck11 said:


> He says that I was dealing with so much he felt the time was not right to tell me even more. He also says he discussed it with the counsellor and says that he said when the time is right he would have to tell me everything. I made another appointment with the counsellor. Trickle truth, that is exactly what it is.
> 
> I am so tired. He sounds so sincere. For the first time in our 14 year marriage I feel that he is actually working on the marriage. It's now been two months and he has treated me like before we got married. Friends also commented on how well he treats me lately. But every time something happens I have to fight the feelings of doubt. Can I trust again? I'm not very good at playing policemen. Every time the signs were there and if I checked on him I would've found out much earlier, but I hate spying on my husband.
> 
> ...


No, you would not have done the same.
No, this isn't your fault.
Yes, you can blame her (OW) for getting involved with a married man.
Of course you have doubts because you have every reason to believe that you don't have the whole picture.

I find it hard to believe that he didn't tell you about the extent of his involvement to protect you. As with most WS, it was to protect him and his A. Try to remember, it doesn't matter one bit what was going on in your marriage, he made the choice to reach out to a third party. His choice. Do you think he was believed he was protecting you when he did that? Of course not.

If you are going to go back to counseling, which might very well help, you have every right, and every need for the survival of your marriage to DEMAND full disclosure. You get a timeline, every password, and an accounting of the use of marital funds. You get the right to read his emails, and texts, and anything else to ease your mind. You get to demand he answer every question, several times over, if that is what you need. These are the consequences for his choice. There is no way you can rebuild trust when you still have so many doubts. Trust is something that must be earned and it doesn't sound as if he's done a particularly good job of it so far.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Stuck11 said:


> Can I trust again? I'm not very good at playing policemen. Every time the signs were there and if I checked on him I would've found out much earlier, but I hate spying on my husband.
> 
> Can you support someone financially without getting something in return? Why would he give her so much money if nothing was going on. He says he felt sorry for her and her two kids. Can I believe this?


its a PA, sounds like you are very slowly coming to accept and realize this. if these is financial support sex is involved. you need to protect yourself from Plan B


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I think I could forgive one affair depending on circumstances but a partner who cheats repetitively is not a partner. I would have got shut by now. Sorry to be harsh but you are worth more.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Financially supporting someone he's not been physical with?? While you are struggling to make ends meet? Seriously?
Why on earth would anyone believe this as their ws reveals lies upon lies??
What would he have been expecting would happen under this arrangement? Why would she expect it to be anything else? 

For sure, trickle truth is bad enough. But lying outright is quite different. And he's lying. Plus the whole concept of HIM deciding when it's right to tell you more is 110%, flat-out wrong. He does not get to decide ANYthing about this process, especially when it in any way is about "your best interest". Time to reverse this entire mindset. You are headed for a long path of painful revelations, better brace yourself and buckle in.

You need to decide what's going to be your reaction (and decision) when this all is revealed to you, because it's coming.

And here we go again about the age-old dilemma of how to get the truth from someone who's lying... you can "demand" all you like, there is just no way to be sure what is doming out of his mouth is true or not. You can threaten, scream, insist, draw lines in the sand -- but you just can't know. All you can do is use the tools at your disposal, collect input facts and information, and make a decision from that. A polygraph is but one input, but certainly not flawless (yet I'd definitely use it in this case). Researching his phone, computer, history, social media, Facebook chat, etc. is another, but who knows what you can find. VAR is another, but it sounds like it's over and there is no longer anything to catch. Maybe you can 'discuss' with the tramp, and see if she will reveal anything else to you? 

In the end, you've got info to collect, pressure test, and a decision to make. Hard stuff, for sure. But it's damn-near certain you have more pain coming. And two months of beng nice while he lies to you more does not mean an improved marriage going forward. It means he is very guilty and knows it, and wants you to believe him. Be wary. Seems you have believed him before, several times -- even through this revelation. How's that worked out for you?

I am sorry you are here. But this smells very, very rotten.


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