# Unhappy wife contemplates leaving me



## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, and married for 7. We have had a very happy life together and tried to have a baby last year. Unfortuantely she miscarried and since then everything has gone down hill. She has told me in the past that I need to give her space...I tend to be a bit controlling. Texting her when she is out with friends, and not really letting her have a life outside of our marriage. She has now told me in so many words that she has had enough and can not go on living her life this way. She will leave me if things dont change and never go back to the way they were. I am head over heels in love with her and after this conversation I have not been able to eat, sleep, or basically do anything except go through the motions of day to day life. She no longer hugs or kisses me after work and I feel us growing apart daily. I have shceduled to see a therapist on my own in order to address some of my issues with the hopes of saving not only my marriage but my life. She has told me she does not want a divorce, but she can't go on living this way. So now I do not know how to act around her. We have very uncomfortable moments and my chest is constatly tight becuase I am in fear that she is going to end the marriage at any moment. I am confident there is no one else, but I need advice on how to operate on a daily basis without seeing a big DIVORCE sign hanging over her head when I see her. I will do anything to save my marriage, but I fear it is too late to save it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sadly your first issue to tackle in therapy is your fear of her leaving you.

You have no control over another adult.

As to how you act on a daily basis.

You act as if she's already gone. 

Set her free.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

And you are 100% sure there is no one else?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Do not follow her around like a puppy, dote on her or state your undying love for her. You will only push her further away from you. Spend time away with friends. Be cordial and as unemotional as you can be around her. Give your therapist the whole story. Spend time in self reflection as to how you could improve yourself to make the the marriage better. Don't put the full blame of the marriage on yourself, reflect on what she could do to make it better for you. Be prepared that there may be a third party involved in all of this. Most all come here stating "there is no one else" only to fine out there is, just as I did. Don't hang you hopes or doubts on every action she takes. You are too emotionally charged to keep it in perspective.

You are at the beginning of a long journey but it can happen with the right tools. Listen to the advice given here even if it appears to contradict what your heart and mind are telling you to do. Carefully reflect on it before implementing. Never lose track of the long game, recovering your marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

All spouses need time for themselves. Activities that are healthy to the marriage, not toxic to the marriage. What is her life outside of the marriage? Has she had any counselling after the lost of the pregnancy? 

Of course clingy and longing make you look pathetic and weak. Stop it. Here is a thread by another member that was in your shoes. It lays out how he handled it. I'll also leave you a plan that's used with an oppositional spouse too. It's from another forum that you might take a look at too.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27426-what-ive-learned-past-year-good-news-story.html

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hovering, clinging, and controlling are very unattractive qualities. It's a always amazing to me that people who do this are shocked when their spouse tires if it. You can't force and cling your wife back to you, get your o own life and perhaps you'll become appealing to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

My fear of her leaving me consumes my thoughts and I need to get it into my head that it may very well be a reality. If I am scared of her leaving constantly then that is what will happen I think.

Right now I think she needs space from me. I have to stop badgering her and constantly needing her to coddle me.

I am absolutely positive there is no one else. If I even thought that for a second this whole thing would actually be easier on me. The fact that this is mostly my fault is killing me. I do have a chance to make it right though.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Based on what you wrote about what she told you; you're suffocating her. You've been weak, clingy, needy, and she's totally turned off to you. And/or she's screwing some other guy who is more attractive to her at this point.

Not much you can do to change the outcome of this one, other than to back off, give her space, go live your own life and give her reason to give things another shot. Might want to look into the possibility of an affair but don't ask her if she's cheating on you.


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## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

She did seek therapy when she miscarried and even though she suggested I go...I did not. I have not really coped with losing the baby and I am sure that is why I am a little "clingy towards her. 

Let me just say that logging onto this site was hard for me to do but I already feel better that I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. I feel so alone and this has helped tremendously just to get it out to someone.

Unfortuantley i do not have many friends and my best friend is also hers....he introduced us and the three of us are very close, so it is hard for me to talk to him knowing how close he is to my wife. That being said he has been a great help thus far.

And I am sure that people think there is no one else, but I am 100% positve that at least up unitl this point there is no one else.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

trapper23 said:


> And I am sure that people think there is no one else, but I am 100% positve that at least up unitl this point there is no one else.


Most betrayed spouses say the exact same thing.


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## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

I am sure most betrayed spouses say the same thing. It would be easier for me if she was stepping out.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

trapper23 said:


> She did seek therapy when she miscarried and even though she suggested I go...I did not. I have not really coped with losing the baby and I am sure that is why I am a little "clingy towards her.
> 
> *You were not there for her emotionally? That's something she holds against you? *
> 
> ...


*Okay, just remember to keep your eyes open.

Then start reading the links. You need to form a plan of action...

Here's one more, *No More Mr Nice Guy


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## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

I could have been there more for her emotionally.

She does socialize with him alone and I can't lie...I have thought about them stepping out together but he has been overseas in the army for the past 3 years and is going through a divorce of his own.

Granted this did all come to light when he came back last week which now that I say it does not sound good.

If they are stepping out together then they are pulling the wool completely over my eyes.

She has told me that nothing is happening and so has he and I trust both of them fully. I can;t have that thought in the back of my head. There is no way for me to find out if they are doing things behind my back...I suppose if they are I will just find out in time.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

trapper23 said:


> She does socialize with him alone


There you go.



trapper23 said:


> and I can't lie


She can. 



trapper23 said:


> I have thought about them stepping out together but he has been overseas in the army for the past 3 years and is going through a divorce of his own.


But.. nothing.

He's not overseas NOW and him going through a divorce and all the associated mental anguish and need for a supportive female highly increases the likelihood of an affair.



trapper23 said:


> If they are stepping out together then they are pulling the wool completely over my eyes.


And now, thanks to posters like me, your eyes are open. 



trapper23 said:


> She has told me that nothing is happening and so has he and I trust both of them fully.


Just like the pig trusts the guy in the slaughterhouse as he opens the gate.



trapper23 said:


> There is no way for me to find out if they are doing things behind my back...I suppose if they are I will just find out in time.


Oh there's a lot you can do. Other posters will surely give you some great ideas. Don't be an ostrich. Get your head out of the sand and accept that she's probably cheating on you and be prepared to deal with it.


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## trapper23 (Aug 6, 2013)

He is moving to Virginia tomorrow and I live in Jersey so if there is something going on it will not continue. I understand where you are coming from and I am sure I would say the same thing, but I know it is not the case.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

trapper23 said:


> I could have been there more for her emotionally.
> 
> She does socialize with him alone and I can't lie...I have thought about them stepping out together but he has been overseas in the army for the past 3 years and is going through a divorce of his own.
> 
> ...


Red flag my man.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

trapper23 said:


> He is moving to Virginia tomorrow and I live in Jersey so if there is something going on it will not continue


Don't you want to know if anything happened while he was here?

If it did, they'd likely stay in touch after he leaves the area. Maybe to make plans to meet again and continue the affair.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you need to find out.



trapper23 said:


> I know it is not the case.


How do you know..anything?

She shows you no affection, she's probably going to divorce you, she's alone with another man. You aren't physically with her 24/7 to keep tabs on her, she's not acting like the woman you married. This is a common scenario when cheating is involved. Why is your wife different from anyone else?

Don't confuse what you want to believe with what is the truth.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay he's leaving tomorrow. I assume you'll both see him off together, not alone. 

Than put a VAR in her car. Put a key logger her computer. Put spy ware on her phone. If you don't see anything after a month to can put your mind at ease about infidelity.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Why are you guys drilling on investigating her? So what if it is true, will you feel better? What if it is not, will you feel like an a$$ then? It will probably push her away even more and she will make the decision to leave you. 

Look. I am in the other position where I am the wife who is considering leaving, but not because of a controlling husband. My best friend... pretty much the only friend I have left over the years is a man. And honestly, we have no feelings for each other, we (or I) talked about almost everything with him. He treats me like a bro even since we were in school, I treats me like a pal. Trust me or not, but nope... there is nothing there, no feelings, no chemistry whatsoever, just not gonna happen. 

Because of my marriage and financial issues, I just have to get out and who do I talk? Well, him my best friend who can survive me ranting without getting annoyed... at least I don't think he gets annoy. And heck, how then could I find out what guys think? 

So when she told you there is nothing, maybe there really is nothing. And frankly it gets annoying when my husband started asking me where were we are going and such. 

By picking at her, your own anxiety is going to eat you up even more. Have you find out exactly why she was unhappy? if you change for her will she wants to work things out for you? 

For me... I have been trying to see if my husband can at least go get a job... any job for that matter I don't care, flip burgers, cashier, deliver freaking newspaper, whatever it is. But nope.... that's why I got really annoyed at him when he started probing about me and my friend going out for a coffee! It is not the time to do that.... at least in my case as a unhappy wife who wants to leave.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

temperance said:


> Why are you guys drilling on investigating her? So what if it is true, will you feel better? What if it is not, will you feel like an a$$ then? It will probably push her away even more and she will make the decision to leave you.
> 
> Look. I am in the other position where I am the wife who is considering leaving, but not because of a controlling husband. My best friend... pretty much the only friend I have left over the years is a man. And honestly, we have no feelings for each other, we (or I) talked about almost everything with him. He treats me like a bro even since we were in school, I treats me like a pal. Trust me or not, but nope... there is nothing there, no feelings, no chemistry whatsoever, just not gonna happen.
> 
> ...


Trapper has to at least rule out another man to figure out what he is truly up against so either he can fight for his marriage or stop wasting time and move on that's why!


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Trapper has to at least rule out another man to figure out what he is truly up against so either he can fight for his marriage or stop wasting time and move on that's why!


So you are saying if Trapper finds out in fact his wife is having an affair he will stop wasting time and move on just like that? Or will it be even a tougher battle to fight because now Trapper is emotionally drained? What I am saying is... is it worth the effort to find out? Will it be easier just to tell her he wants to work things out and doesn't want her to leave, regardless if she has an affair or not... and see how she react.


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