# I miss my emotional affair



## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

I miss her.

The woman that made me feel whole, wanted and needed when my wife had no desire. I'm not a needy man by any means... but after being in a sexless marriage for 18yrs with "zero" affection from my wife... this woman was a breath of fresh air. She's so honest, respectful, open and strait forward. She's so awesome she couldn't play mind games even if she wanted to. The woman who stepped up to the plate when my wife wouldn't. The woman who responded when my wife wouldn't. The girl I dated in high school... we went our separate ways after highschool... only to reconnect 20yrs later in our 40's on facebook.... she had been divorced for 2 years. Myself recently separated. She pushed me so hard to file papers & divorce my nasty rude disrespectful wife.. to sign the final papers so I could be with her instead. Why didn't I ? The timing just wasn't right. Oh how I wish the timing was right. Somehow I knew it wasn't the right time and I told her that. She felt a little let down. It would hurt my young children so much. She pushed me so hard that it scared me. Now she belongs to another man. Oh how I miss her emails though. The maturity of a normal woman intrigued me so much. The honesty and straightforward personality is so attractive!!. it's something I haven't had in 20 years! She would message me once during the day every other day. I would send her a text saying good morning. She missed hearing from me even every other day. What a turn on! to actually have a woman miss me and show genuine concern and a desire for companionship !! (...something I haven't had in a long long time)


It's been a year now since she's been married. I need someone just like her again.... I actually need my wife to act just like her.. then I would be fine. I need respect. I need touch. I need to just talk and connect. Is that so much to ask? to much to ask my wife... so sad. I have confidence. This emotional affair was a godsend. It proved I'm an attractive guy after all! I still got it!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I suggest you go to Marriage Builders and ask them for advice. You can probably get what you are looking for in your own marriage if you are willing to do their plan.


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

I truly wish that was the case. I've purchased several "save your marriage plans". They each require both partners to put forth effort. She has absolutely no desire to work on our marriage. She said she's extremely angry with me but doesn't know why. And for this mystery reason she won't even put forth the effort. We went to go see a counselor a couple times last year and she canceled without even letting me know first. Just a big fat surprise when it came time to go. The counselor gave us homework to read in some books and my wife refused. Said she wasn't in the right frame of mind to even try to work on anything. How patient do I have to become? She has everything right now that a woman should need or want and she's pushing it all away ... she appears to want nothing of it. That's when I moved out and was ripe for the EA


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

SlyGuy said:


> I truly wish that was the case. I've purchased several "save your marriage plans". They each require both partners to put forth effort. She has absolutely no desire to work on our marriage. She said she's extremely angry with me but doesn't know why. And for this mystery reason she won't even put forth the effort. We went to go see a counselor a couple times last year and she canceled without even letting me know first. Just a big fat surprise when it came time to go. The counselor gave us homework to read in some books and my wife refused. Said she wasn't in the right frame of mind to even try to work on anything. How patient do I have to become? She has everything right now that a woman should need or want and she's pushing it all away ... she appears to want nothing of it. That's when I moved out and was ripe for the EA


Then do the decent thing. Seek a divorce. Close one door and then move on. You are still cheating if your still prepared to be married no matter if your W has disengaged. Get the advice, get the papers and be honest and frank with your W. Get out of the marridge and if the OW is happy to have you , go there and be happy legally.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *SlyGuy said*:* but after being in a sexless marriage for 18yrs with "zero" affection from my wife*.


*Your wife DESERVES a divorce and you are 17 yrs too late...I'd say....*given what you have spoken here..

I actually feel sorry for you that you missed this old Girlfriend, sounds to me it was something that could have changed your whole life, your outlook, and brought you great happiness..

You put your kids 1st, admirable I suppose... you could have still been a wonderful father and had a full -sexually healthy - thriving relationship... 

I would never be this sacrificial if I had a spouse as you describe here...Your situation is why a great majority of affairs start... with one spouse being cold, no affection, unbending, unwilling to listen, go to counseling, caring to meet each other half way....working to overcome resentment.. ..There should have been a reasonable time frame for her to show a willingness to work on the intimacy....(which is an emotional need for a man )...or marital consequences...

Living like this only makes a person weak and ripe for what you fell into here...it's too much to bare. Very sad. 

WHY do you feel she is resentful, how someone couldn't articulate this, kinda blows my mind.. but.. *what would her side of the story BE*?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That bolded part is always the question, isn't it?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *That bolded part is always the question, isn't it?*


It would be wonderful if we could trust every word ...take it to the bank....how a story is given on these threads.... but too often....a poster focuses solely on the faults of the spouse and conveniently has blinders on - where he/she may have fell down in the marriage - missing the love languages of the spouse they are venting about....what contributed to the breakdown...maybe her resentment towards him is very understandable... 

But then maybe he married a woman who had waving red flags of little affection...and it grew worse after kids...this is why we dig, we ask the hard questions to find a more balanced view..


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Look. You don't love your wife. She does not love you. You've been separated. Would anyone really be surprised if you got divorced? Why are you still married if you're so miserable? What payoff is there for you in remaining in your current situation? 

Oh, and if you insist on remaining married to your current wife, stop cheating. It does nothing to make your marriage better or improve your overall situation. Mostly all it does is foster more misery and resentment, cloud the real issues, and help you avoid making tough decisions. And it displays a _glaring_ lack of character.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> I miss her.
> 
> The woman that made me feel whole, wanted and needed when my wife had no desire. I'm not a needy man by any means... but after being in a sexless marriage for 18yrs with "zero" affection from my wife...


:redcard: STOP right there, full stop. 

It's your own fault. Why would you stay married in a sexless marriage for *18 YEARS??* 

If it's been truly sexless for 18 years than your children, if any, have all grown up. And if you remain married for money - is any amount of money really worth having to spend the rest of your life begging for any emotional scraps you can find? Where you need an emotional affair just to find your sanity? 

Either get a divorce, or ask for an open marriage. Either way, you can have a real relationship with a real person again.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rowan said:


> Look. You don't love your wife. She does not love you. You've been separated. Would anyone really be surprised if you got divorced? Why are you still married if you're so miserable? What payoff is there for you in remaining in your current situation?
> 
> Oh, and if you insist on remaining married to your current wife, stop cheating. It does nothing to make your marriage better or improve your overall situation. Mostly all it does is foster more misery and resentment, cloud the real issues, and help you avoid making tough decisions. And it displays a _glaring_ lack of character.


I don't think he was cheating. Maybe I missed something, but talking with this woman occurred when he was separated. No big deal, if you ask me. Nothing went physical, it was just talk.

Guy doesn't get any love or respect from his wife for years and years, is told she resents him, etc. and he has conversations with a woman while he has effectively left the house and marriage? Not only that, but this woman suggested he divorce her (not bad advice!) and get together with her. He balked.

He SHOULD have divorced her, but I can see where he's coming from - had he done it at that time and immediately gone to this other woman, that doesn't look good at all. She should have kept her mouth shut about divorce and them getting together and just let the cards fall where they may. I'm wondering if she never brought that up, if OP would have divorced his wife? It wouldn't have been for the other woman, it would have been for the right reasons. I think he got confused about the reason for divorce at that time, no thanks to the woman, and lost sight of things.

Regardless, OP should be filing asap, if this story is as he has written it. Staying together because of kids is the dumbest thing imaginable, imo. Kids will get more messed up with two parents who stay together who have no semblance of a real relationship whatsoever. That only teaches them negative things, and if they ever find themselves in a similar place when they're older, they'll perpetuate the "being unhappy for the rest of your lives" thing.

They'd be much better learning from a mother and father who are in good relationships even if it's not with each other.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

alexm said:


> I don't think he was cheating. Maybe I missed something, but talking with this woman occurred when he was separated. No big deal, if you ask me. Nothing went physical, it was just talk.


My bad. He referred to it as an emotional affair, and I wasn't clear that it occurred entirely during his separation from his wife. 

In either case, OP: Don't cheat. Do make a decision to either fix your marriage or end it. For all the reasons I and others have already enumerated.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

SlyGuy said:


> I truly wish that was the case. I've purchased several "save your marriage plans". They each require both partners to put forth effort. She has absolutely no desire to work on our marriage. She said she's extremely angry with me but doesn't know why. And for this mystery reason she won't even put forth the effort. We went to go see a counselor a couple times last year and she canceled without even letting me know first. Just a big fat surprise when it came time to go. The counselor gave us homework to read in some books and my wife refused. Said she wasn't in the right frame of mind to even try to work on anything. How patient do I have to become? She has everything right now that a woman should need or want and she's pushing it all away ... she appears to want nothing of it. That's when I moved out and was ripe for the EA


If your marriage is broken, irrevocably, then leave. Simple.
I wish I had left my wife many years ago, she resented and hated me, no matter how hard I tried to please her, I would jump through every hoop she set for me. 

I lived in a sexless, isolated hell, feeling alone, and wondering why the woman I loved so much did not love me.

Yet I never cheated on her in either thought or deed, no matter how lonely, no matter how cruel & cold & abusive she was to me.

When my divorce is final, THEN I will be open to a new relationship.

If I could do it right, why can't you?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

SlyGuy said:


> I miss her.
> 
> The woman that made me feel whole, wanted and needed when my wife had no desire. I'm not a needy man by any means... but after being in a sexless marriage for 18yrs with "zero" affection from my wife... this woman was a breath of fresh air. She's so honest, respectful, open and strait forward. She's so awesome she couldn't play mind games even if she wanted to. The woman who stepped up to the plate when my wife wouldn't. The woman who responded when my wife wouldn't. The girl I dated in high school... we went our separate ways after highschool... only to reconnect 20yrs later in our 40's on facebook.... she had been divorced for 2 years. Myself recently separated. She pushed me so hard to file papers & divorce my nasty rude disrespectful wife.. to sign the final papers so I could be with her instead. Why didn't I ? The timing just wasn't right. Oh how I wish the timing was right. Somehow I knew it wasn't the right time and I told her that. She felt a little let down. It would hurt my young children so much. She pushed me so hard that it scared me. Now she belongs to another man. Oh how I miss her emails though. The maturity of a normal woman intrigued me so much. The honesty and straightforward personality is so attractive!!. it's something I haven't had in 20 years! She would message me once during the day every other day. I would send her a text saying good morning. She missed hearing from me even every other day. What a turn on! to actually have a woman miss me and show genuine concern and a desire for companionship !! (...something I haven't had in a long long time)
> 
> ...


What was the timeline for this happening?

The time from when she was pushing you hard to leave your wife to when she married the other guy?

Just a gut feeling, but the way you described her (divorced, pushed hard, married someone else, etc.) makes me think your Emotional Affair partner might be available soon.

Todd


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *what would her side of the story BE*?


Why are you asking a guy that? It's you gals that need to start talking to us about what you're going through. That would be a HUGE start.

You get one shot at life SG. You do what you need to do to be happy. Personally, I gave my wife first, second, third, fourth...(you get my point) dibs on me. She respectfully declined each time (in her own little secret walk-away-wife way). She doesn't want a divorce. I don't want to break up my family just because I'm not loved. I tried to fix it: therapy, reconnecting. She wanted none of it. 

I'm not planning on going to my grave not knowing what it's like to be wanted again. I'm glad you were able to find a little happiness during that frozen tundra of a marriage you were in. I'm not seeking an affair, but if the right woman comes along...


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## familygirl (Dec 13, 2013)

Im more concerned with the fact that your old girlfriend was pushing you to divorce and It scared you.

Maybe your relationship with your wife felt similar at the start as it did with your ex? Maybe if you had a relationship with your ex it would fall into the same pattern as you and your wife have? or end up worse?

All that glitters is not always gold. I would advise therapy for couple counselling for you and your wife

Good luck


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It would be wonderful if we could trust every word ...take it to the bank....how a story is given on these threads.... but too often....a poster focuses solely on the faults of the spouse and conveniently has blinders on - where he/she may have fell down in the marriage - missing the love languages of the spouse they are venting about....what contributed to the breakdown...maybe her resentment towards him is very understandable...
> 
> But then maybe he married a woman who had waving red flags of little affection...and it grew worse after kids...this is why we dig, we ask the hard questions to find a more balanced view..


My story to good to be true? I come on here and spill my guts.. then accused of making it up? I don't care if people don't believe me. I came on the internet and opened up my feelings about how awesome a person made me feel... and it felt good to type that. I don't need your validation. I was simply stating how I miss communicating with a woman on a deep, trusting and emotional level. Somebody that cared and acted like the kind of woman I crave. And I thank her for that. I did not commit adultery.

As far as the love languages go... I've read that book several times over. My wife's love language is acts of service. I've been speaking her love language for many many years. I do things for her all the time. In fact I just remodeled her damn kitchen for her. I could care less how a kitchen looks. I did it because I wanted her to be happy. But I have to be careful that I don't do to much for her or I'll look like a whipping boy. Sometimes I will not take the trash out even though I want to. I can't be a nice guy all the time or I'll be a wimp. After you speak someone's love language for so long... you have to start seeing your spouse speak your love language back. She knows my love language is touch. Therefore she doesn't touch because she's resentful.

For years she tells me she doesn't know why ... but recently about a year or so ago she thinks maybe she knows why she hates me. She spoke of a conversation I had with my parents 17yrs ago over the phone. I supposedly discussed my marriage with them. I don't remember this... so I calmly asked her what I said... she said she couldn't remember what I said... that she just remembers how it made her mad. I apologized to her and cut off all personal conversations with my parents. I showed her how remorseful I was and sought her forgiveness. You see I learned. I learned what hurt my wife and vowed to not ever do it again. I can be taught to be that knight in shinning armor. 
She now holds this over my head like a hammer and beats me with it freely.
So I've tried to show her that I fixed that flaw. Now she hates both me and my parents. She hasn't seen or spoken to my parents for many years. I take the kids to thanks giving at grandmas house ever 3 years while she sits home by herself. I go stag to a once a year christmas party. My folks aren't allowed at our house.
The heavy cold heart and lack of forgiveness run rampid like ice through her veins. Her "one strike and you're out" policy does not belong in a marriage. I'm not a perfect man and I'm not Jesus. 
She plays the game very very well. Just when I'm ready to file for divorce she'll do something very sweet... or explain that she wants me to be patient with her while her high anxiety is fixed by some natural remedies etc. Then she'll blame her thyroid problems for her high anxiety which she says makes her so angry at me.

So let me ask you all again. Is it so bad that I got my emotional needs met by someone else when my spouse expresses zero desire to meet those needs herself? 
So yes, I'd love to meet another woman to fill in the emotional cracks till my wife gets her mental high anxiety husband-hating crap together. And no I don't feel bad or guilty about it one bit. I'll be here for her when she's ready.. but I'll also be getting my emotional needs met elsewhere because yes I am desperate


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

huckleberry11 said:


> keep working on your marriage without wavering to the left or to the right. You'll always be glad you did!


thanks for the link. I just read that article. 
Yes I want to be respected, but no, she does NOT want to be loved. Trust me on that one. If you work hand over fist to love your wife the way you want to be loved and she rejects it over and over and over again... then no, that's not what you keep on doing. You'd have to be an idiot to keep doing what she hates.
I'm sure God is plenty happy with my determination and loyalty. But when is the payoff? death?


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

familygirl said:


> Maybe your relationship with your wife felt similar at the start as it did with your ex? Maybe if you had a relationship with your ex it would fall into the same pattern as you and your wife have? or end up worse?
> 
> All that glitters is not always gold. I would advise therapy for couple counselling for you and your wife


how do you think that my old girlfriend would end up bitter, cold and unforgiving? how do you get that from my first post? Two totally separate women. One communicates .. and the other does not.
Have already asked her to go the therapy.. she refused.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Get a divorce. You're wasting time on a woman that can't give you what you need.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> She spoke of a conversation I had with my parents 17yrs ago over the phone. I supposedly discussed my marriage with them. I don't remember this... so I calmly asked her what I said... she said she couldn't remember what I said... that she just remembers how it made her mad. I apologized to her and cut off all personal conversations with my parents. I showed her how remorseful I was and sought her forgiveness. You see I learned. I learned what hurt my wife and vowed to not ever do it again. I can be taught to be that knight in shinning armor.
> She now holds this over my head like a hammer and beats me with it freely.


How can she hold this as a "hammer" over you when she doesn't even remember what was said? 

And why do you want to stay married to someone who would stay resentful over such a petty thing for 17 years???



> _So I've tried to show her that I fixed that flaw. Now she hates both me and my parents. She hasn't seen or spoken to my parents for many years. I take the kids to thanks giving at grandmas house ever 3 years while she sits home by herself. I go stag to a once a year christmas party. My folks aren't allowed at our house._


So in other words, you have let her play out her game for 17 years. Nice. Now how about move on to a real relationship with a real person who will actually sit down to dinner with your parents, or at least let them in your house!



> _The heavy cold heart and lack of forgiveness run rampid like ice through her veins. Her "one strike and you're out" policy does not belong in a marriage._


Then why are you still in this marriage? Exactly what are you getting out of it?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

There is no gun to your head to stay married to this mean, vile woman. No sex in 18 yrs. means your children are adults.

What are you really afraid of?

Free yourself to find what you are looking for.


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Emerald said:


> There is no gun to your head to stay married to this mean, vile woman. No sex in 18 yrs. means your children are adults.
> 
> What are you really afraid of?
> 
> Free yourself to find what you are looking for.


Good question. I have terrible fear of my wife getting remarried to some guy who tucks my baby girl in to bed at night. I do not want this invasion.
Sexless means we have sex 4 times a year if I really really bug & push her.. which is defined as a sexless marriage. I have young kids and I love them. The very thought of me not being able to tuck my little girl in to bed at night keeps me in this. I want to be a man and a father at the same time. I don't want to choose one or the other. Yes I am a victim of my own demise I suppose. 

Except for sex, everything seemed to balance out nicely when I was in the Emotional Affair with the other woman. And yes I was moved back in the house with my wife at the time.. which doesn't matter since my wife's attitude hasn't changed.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Kids were the reason I stayed in an abusive marriage. Now my kids tell me (as they are adults) they would of wanted to see me happy and would of liked to live in a home free of constant fighting, 

I feel for you. I understand kids always come first. But you also teach your child that a loveless marriage is normal, It is possible that she could see you in a loving happy relationship. Which is much healthier. For you and her to see. It's also possible you could have custody of your daughter. OR live close by so she sees you every day/week.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The grass is always greener...

You were having an emotional affair with a woman who was divorced and despite calling her "honest", she was pushing you to divorce your wife and engaging in an affair with a married man.

My suggestion is either get marriage counseling or divorce. You're kids will be fine if you stay in their lives.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are doing your children no favors by staying married, you are being selfish, actually. NO CHILD wants to grow up with an unhappy, unfulfilled parent! I went through it as a kid, watching my dad treat my mom like utter sh!t, and her staying and putting up with it. I used to pray they would divorce, finally my mom filed when I was a teenager. Divorce this woman. You can give your children no bigger gift than a happy dad.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she will not go to counseling and she will not change, file for divorce. 

You must mean it, that you are filing. Maybe she will wake up, but if not, you will have a happier time in the future.

Life is too short to spend this much time in misery.

I wish I could tell you that your wife would respond like your AP, but I do not see it happening. File now, maybe someday your kids will thank you for it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SlyGuy said:


> Good question. I have terrible fear of my wife getting remarried to some guy who tucks my baby girl in to bed at night. I do not want this invasion.
> Sexless means we have sex 4 times a year if I really really bug & push her.. which is defined as a sexless marriage. I have young kids and I love them. The very thought of me not being able to tuck my little girl in to bed at night keeps me in this. I want to be a man and a father at the same time. I don't want to choose one or the other. Yes I am a victim of my own demise I suppose.
> 
> Except for sex, everything seemed to balance out nicely when I was in the Emotional Affair with the other woman. And yes I was moved back in the house with my wife at the time.. which doesn't matter since my wife's attitude hasn't changed.





SlyGuy said:


> *Re: I miss my emotional affair*
> 
> I miss her.
> 
> ...


I see, so you want to replace your wife, while hating the thought of her replacing you. There is an "H" word for that, but I'd rather not get banned.

Just leave.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Nice example the two of you are showing your daughter. I hope it warms your heart's to know that she will also be in an unhealthy marriage and after growing up in one she will think its acceptable.

To my mom and dad...thank you for sticking around for the kids...I have such a great marriage...not! And yes I'm blaming it on the example they gave me.

I think your daughter deserves better... a happy father that can go find a women and show her what a healthy relationship is....and doesn't have to hide it from her!!!! And that goes for you wife also...hell she probable has or had someone on the side also.


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