# Should I stay or should I go?



## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

I have been suspecting for a while now that my husband has been having an emotional affair with a woman he met while away on course in the fall. She lives about three hours away, but they text often. She was in town earlier this year and they got together for lunch. No big deal. Fast forward to three weeks ago. My husband came home for lunch and told me she was stuck in town overnight because her flight was delayed due to bad weather. He said they were going to try to get together for coffee. When he got home from work he told me they were going to go for dinner instead. I asked if I was invited and he said “you don’t ask to come when I go out with Chris (male friend)” I said that if this woman was such a great friend of his, wouldn’t he want us to meet which he said I would be bored and grouchy the whole time because I wouldn’t have anything in common with the conversations they would have. We had also put an offer in on a house earlier that day and were finding out that evening if it was accepted, and I asked why he wouldn’t want to be together to find out and he said I could text him and let him know. He must have seen that I was upset but he went anyways. 

I couldn’t stand sitting home while my husband was basically on a date with another woman so I went to Walmart and sat in my car in the parking lot for two hours trying not to cry. He called me when he got home asking where I was, clearly unaware that anything was wrong.

When I finally came home, I confronted him and said he either didn’t want me there because he has feelings for her or he’s embarrassed by me. When I asked if he had feelings for her he said “she’s married”. Then I asked if she tried to kiss him if he would kiss her back and again he said “she wouldn’t, she’s married”. Then he admitted that maybe he is embarrassed by me because I’m a little overweight. He said I was over reacting, they were just friends and it wasn’t a big deal. I then told him I was sleeping in the spare room and went to bed. 

The next morning he came in and said that he has been feeling like we are more room mates than husband and wife, we don’t communicate, and that he asked me to go to counseling before but I said no (which is not true). I asked if he loved me and he said he doesn’t feel anything for anyone. Not my proudest moment, but when he was in the shower I checked his cell phone and he had texts to her asking her favorite color and saying he wanted to put more effort into their friendship with a heart emoji. 

I tried talking to him about it again, and asked if he had feelings for her which he said no I asked if he found her attractive and he said no, then I asked if he wanted to be with her and he said she’s married and I said if she wasn’t married would you have asked her out and he said I dunno maybe. 

He said he talks to her about our marital problems, it’s exciting to be around her, and that they joke around and flirt so he couldn’t invite me to dinner because he couldn’t do that if I was there. 

Without making this a lot longer, some more details:

- We have been together going on 15 years, married for 7.
- early in our relationship he reconnected with an old female friend he had feelings for without telling me, was caught “sexting” with another friend, asked for a girls number at a bar, and message a girl telling her how hot she was while I was laying in bed next to him
- he celebrated one year being sober in February, and said I didn’t help or support him through his recovery but this new “friend” did
- he knows I am against drugs, had tried coccaine once before we were married, at which point I told him if he ever did it again I would leave, and he just admitted last week he did it several times after that
- his “friend” texted him when I was sitting right beside him so he looked to see if I was looking at his phone, then told me she texted him and I asked if he was going to reply and he said well I know you don’t want me to. He had invited her to go to a concert with him in nyc (we live about 8 hours from there). He deleted her text, but then texted her back as soon as he got to work the next day, which he doesn’t know I know
- looking back on our relationship, he never invited me to go anywhere whether just with friends or Work gatherings or anything, even when other people were bringing their partners
- he never came to my college graduation, my grandmothers funeral, or never came to support me at any of the several 5km runs i have done
- he told me I should get a new hair style and dye my hair and put more effort into myself, but a month ago I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and got an updo and sent Him a picture and he replied “cool” and he knew I was uncomfortable in my dress because I had lost some weight and had it taken in twice but it was still way too big but he never told me I looked good, and even said he preferred the other bridesmaids dresses over mine 
- he is always putting me down, just in little ways like “you need to wax your eyebrows” or “you say the word like too much” and when I asked him why he said because it makes him feel better to put me down
- he rarely shows me any affection, never goes out of his way to do nice things for me, doesn’t hold my hand
- anytime I ask him to do something no matter how simple he gets frustrated as if I asked him to walk around the earth

We are starting couples therapy may 22, but I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I enjoy his company, the next I can’t stand to be near him and I am so angry. I have become someone I don’t want to be, snooping all the time trying to find “clues” and then I almost feel disappointed when I don’t find anything, like I want more fuel added to the fire. Like maybe then it will be easier to make a decision to leave or not. 

He hasn’t said sorry, and I don’t think he thinks he did anything wrong. He’s clearly not willing to give up his friendship with this woman. He had to arrange the counseling because it is covered through his work so I asked when he was going to do it Monday, he said he would that day he hadn’t by Thursday so I asked again and he said I will call now to get you off my back. 

I can’t help analyzing everything. Anytime I get in our vehicle I think about how he had another woman sitting there. Anytime I ask him to do something and he rolls his eyes I wonder how willing he would be to do it for her. I have barely been sleeping. I feel like I’m often on the verge of tears. 

Sorry this post is all over the place. It’s just the way my brain seems to be lately. I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting to mention. I just can’t process everything and I don’t know how to forgive someone when they don’t think they did anything wrong and are continuing to do something that they know is hurting me. 

Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know if it’s even worth trying to “fix” because I don’t even know if it was ever right in the first place. I feel so disrespected and undervalued.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It at least an emotional affair but with contact they are usually physical too. All cheaters lie a lot.

Jumping into MC at this time will be worthless I think.

See an attorney and make a decision. If you don't you'll just wallow and waste life in this.

If it were me I'd look up her husband and clue him in on what's going on. Without warning.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This is not right!! He went to dinner with his 'friend' and didn't invite you because he likes to flirt.. WTH? This is a definite NO! You are married to him, why is he going out to dinner, concerts with her and not you. Your relationship with him doesn't even sound good!! It's like he's putting you down and trying to change things about you. Not even sure you should be buying this house with him. Why do you put up with this? 

Have you tried counseling for yourself? That's great about marriage counseling and hopefully, you will get some feedback. But him communicating with this girl needs to stop!! I know her husband wouldn't be happy that she is in contact with your husband!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

No kids?


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

RWB said:


> No kids?


No we decided a few years ago not to have kids, my reasoning because of his alcohol abuse, which now he says that another issue with our relationship is that we don’t have kids so he lacks purpose.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> This is not right!! He went to dinner with his 'friend' and didn't invite you because he likes to flirt.. WTH? This is a definite NO! You are married to him, why is he going out to dinner, concerts with her and not you. Your relationship with him doesn't even sound good!! It's like he's putting you down and trying to change things about you. Not even sure you should be buying this house with him. Why do you put up with this?
> 
> Have you tried counseling for yourself? That's great about marriage counseling and hopefully, you will get some feedback. But him communicating with this girl needs to stop!! I know her husband wouldn't be happy that she is in contact with your husband!


We already own a house together, we are just in the process of downsizing. Trust me, I was relieved that the offer didn’t get accepted. And unbeknownst to him, no matter how many houses we go look at, I’m not putting an offer on any until I decide what I’m going to do. 

I really think I was in denial for so many years, I have a really low self esteem, and care more about the feelings of others than my own. But this has just opened everything up and it’s like im seeing everything now through clearer eyes.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> It at least an emotional affair but with contact they are usually physical too. All cheaters lie a lot.
> 
> Jumping into MC at this time will be worthless I think.
> 
> ...


I asked a mutual friend who was on course with the two of them the tone of their relationship and he said she flirts with everyone. I really think it’s a one sided affair. She’s just being her normal self but he’s taking it as and trying to make it something that it’s not for her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Susiequsie said:


> I feel so disrespected and undervalued.


I think it's this. 

I don't think it is just a feeling you have. I think you have solid, nuts and bolts evidence of it. 

No man who loves, cherishes and values his wife would carry on like this right smack in front of his wife and not even care that it was hurting her and causing her angst. 

I think your choice here is whether you are willing to live with this or not and whether this is where you want to be when Jesus comes back.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

You need to be willing to leave him. If he doesn’t snap out of it then you know he doesn’t care for you.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

I think you should get in contact with her husband and explain everything to him. 

Honestly it doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling relationship for you. You could consult with a lawyer and find out a bit more about the divorce option.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry he is turning into a cheater.

He is in "affair fog" and now you cannot believe anything he says, if he believes it. His mind is scrambled now, and he is trying to justify having feelings or having an affair.

You now need to find your self respect and your courage, identify your boundaries and stick by them. You will need to make some ultimatums and back them up with a promise (not threat, but promise) of divorce if he can't abide by them.

#1 should be: cut off all communication with his affair partner. He has to do it immediately and in front of you. No more texting, no more anything. You need to have evidence that he has done this. For example, he needs to call her with the speaker on. Or he needs to write and send an email acknowledging the affair and ending it.

#2 you have access to all his phone and computer passwords, social media passwords, etc. from now on.

#3 if he can't do all that, you file for divorce tomorrow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Susiequsie said:


> We already own a house together, we are just in the process of downsizing. Trust me, I was relieved that the offer didn’t get accepted. And unbeknownst to him, no matter how many houses we go look at, I’m not putting an offer on any until I decide what I’m going to do.
> 
> I really think I was in denial for so many years, I have a really low self esteem, and care more about the feelings of others than my own. But this has just opened everything up and it’s like im seeing everything now through clearer eyes.


Here is a book that I think will help you a lot. 

*Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency* by Melody Beattie (Author)

Codependency is when you put the needs of others ahead of your own. You have been doing that with your husband for a long time. Most spouses of alcoholics are codependent, so you are not alone. After you read this book, there are others by the same author, and even other authors that are very good.

Going to marriage counseling when an affair is going on is just a waste of time. He's playing with you. Sure you can go and tell a counselor all about him openly cheating. But he's not going to care. What he will do is say that well he tried counseling but you would not change... great game.

I get your need to snoop. It's ok to do because you have the right to know what is going on in your life so that you can decide what you want to do about it. There is a bit more info that would help.

You can get this woman's phone number, right? Do you know where she works? Do you know where she lives? Do you know if she really has a husband and how to find him? you need to find these things out.

If I were you, I would get as much in the way of copies of texts and any other communication between them. You can at least take photos of his phone with your phone.

Have you checked your phone bill? It's a good place to find out how often they text and talk.

Once you have this info, you need to expose their affair to her husband. Her husband has to right to know what's going on too. Exposing an affair usually ends it.

Most importantly , what are you doing for yourself? What social life do you have? Do you work out? What hobbies?

You need to start putting yourself first and build the life that yo want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Susiequsie said:


> I asked a mutual friend who was on course with the two of them the tone of their relationship and he said she flirts with everyone. I really think it’s a one sided affair. She’s just being her normal self but he’s taking it as and trying to make it something that it’s not for her.


No, a married woman does not do what she's doing without being interested in him. They are both deeply into an emotional affair.

Here is another book. It will explain what's goin on and what to do about it.

*Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity* by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You asked whether you should stay or go. I say, you should go. See a psychologist. You have very low self-esteem. Your husband told you that he is ashamed to be seen with you as you are overweight. This is terribly cruel. You need to get your mind in the right direction. See your physician to control your weight if this is a problem. 

See an attorney to protect your rights. Do not stay in an abusive relationship such as your marriage. He is dating right in front of you and could care less about your feelings. In addition, he mistreats and insults you. Do yourself a favor and shed this vermin. Sorry you are here.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> #1 should be: cut off all communication with his affair partner. He has to do it immediately and in front of you. No more texting, no more anything. You need to have evidence that he has done this. For example, he needs to call her with the speaker on. Or he needs to write and send an email acknowledging the affair and ending it.


I know he needs to do this, but I don’t want to be the one asking him to because then it won’t mean the same thing. I feel like right now any effort he is putting in is forced. He’s not doing the work because he genuinely wants to, he is doing it because he thinks it’s what I want him to do or want to hear or because it’s easier to keep “faking” it than to man up and deal with the situation.

I want him to come to the realization on his own that his relationship with this woman is harming our marriage and own up to it. 

I feel like if I ask him to and he does, he hasn’t learned anything, and what’s going to stop him from secretly contacting her, or forming the same relationship with someone else down the road.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You can get this woman's phone number, right? Do you know where she works? Do you know where she lives? Do you know if she really has a husband and how to find him? you need to find these things out.
> 
> Most importantly , what are you doing for yourself? What social life do you have? Do you work out? What hobbies?
> 
> You need to start putting yourself first and build the life that yo want.


Her number is saved in his phone, she is in the military, same as my husband. She does for sure have a husband whom she has two kids with. When my husband told me he talks to her about our marital problems I said so you guys talk about how you aren’t happy in your marriages and he said that she is happy with her marriage.

I don’t really have much of a social life. I work full time and am friends with my coworkers, but rarely see them outside of work. My best friend since childhood lives three hours away, as well as all of my family. One of my coworkers is a personal trainer and has been giving me home workouts to do for a few months now. And as for hobbies I do a lot of crafting and crocheting.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> You asked whether you should stay or go. I say, you should go. See a psychologist. You have very low self-esteem. Your husband told you that he is ashamed to be seen with you as you are overweight. This is terribly cruel. You need to get your mind in the right direction. See your physician to control your weight if this is a problem.
> 
> See an attorney to protect your rights. Do not stay in an abusive relationship such as your marriage. He is dating right in front of you and could care less about your feelings. In addition, he mistreats and insults you. Do yourself a favor and shed this vermin. Sorry you are here.


I am currently working with a personal trainer and have lost 20 lbs this year so far. I could stand to lost another 30-40, but it’s not like I’m morbidly obese and can’t do any physical activities. I am an emotional eater, which never helped in my situation, and caused me to put the extra weight on.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

I have been in touch with a mortgage broken to see what kind of mortgage I would be preapproved for on my own. I’m trying to get all my ducks in a row before I make any decision.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Good job!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Next time you go out with Chris, you
Might want to consider inviting hubby so he can no longer use that as an excuse


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you should move back home to friends and family and divorce this POS you have for a husband. No kids yet so no strings. Get a good lawyer and go after his retirement. You get half of it. I have seen wives treated like your husband is treating you when I was in the service. 

Get a really good lawyer.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> Next time you go out with Chris, you
> Might want to consider inviting hubby so he can no longer use that as an excuse


Chris is his friend. He meant why would I ask to go to dinner with him and this woman when I don’t ask to tag along when he goes for dinner with his friend Chris.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

ABHale said:


> I think you should move back home to friends and family and divorce this POS you have for a husband. No kids yet so no strings. Get a good lawyer and go after his retirement. You get half of it. I have seen wives treated like your husband is treating you when I was in the service.
> 
> Get a really good lawyer.


I’m really happy with my job here, I’m self employed and have built a good business that I’m not willing to give up, which I would have to do if I moved back home.

We have about $200,000 equity in our home, I’m not sure if I should just ask for his share and have a clean break and never have to be in contact with him again, or just take my half and go for spousal support and half of his pension. I would really want to make this as easy as possible for both of us.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Susiequsie said:


> I’m really happy with my job here, I’m self employed and have built a good business that I’m not willing to give up, which I would have to do if I moved back home.
> 
> We have about $200,000 equity in our home, I’m not sure if I should just ask for his share and have a clean break and never have to be in contact with him again, or just take my half and go for spousal support and half of his pension. I would really want to make this as easy as possible for both of us.


I understand. I was just thinking of some people who know and love you being there for you. 

What you go for is up to you. You have earned half of his military retirement, most military spouses have. As for spousal support, that is your call. Half the equity in your home is a must. 

Good luck with your weight loss. Make sure you are doing it for you.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think you should go. 
He implies that he does not love you, why be married to someone who no longer loves you? 

He is ashamed of you, do you really need someone who does not want to be seen with you? I have been fat and never once has my H said he was ashamed to be seen with me. Instead he support my weight loss and encouraged me to lose weight and be healthy. Thats what a loving supportive husband does. He does not go out by himself nor does he go on dates with other women. Then, have the nerve to tell you, "we are just roommates". 

He likes to flirt. No married man who respects his wife and marriage, would say to his wife, "I don't want you there because I like to flirt with other ladies". Only a **** does that.

Figure out what you need to do in order to be independent and divorce his stupid ass. 

You can still live in that area and keep your business, unless your business is tied to his job.

Start building a network of friends and ask them go to lunch and dinner. Start socializing on your own.

Congrats on the weight loss, that's a great accomplishment.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Susie,

First, a married man just DOES NOT have date nights with another woman, married or not. But here's the deal. It's goes much deeper. Your H has cast you aside. He has set you up as plan B or maybe C. Prepare for the worst, if he has not having sex with this woman, he is definitely heading down that path. Maybe MC would wake him up to the reality of what's ahead. 

Regardless, you need to Lawyer Up now and be prepared to file.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Susiequsie said:


> I really think I was in denial for so many years, I have a really low self esteem, and care more about the feelings of others than my own. But this has just opened everything up and it’s like im seeing everything now through clearer eyes.


If I'm being honest, I was going to ask why you continually stayed with someone like him who just brings NOTHING to the table at all. I figured it was because of kids or you're financially dependent on him because he just sounds like a complete ass-hole. He's done nothing but constantly hit on women, he's an alcoholic (recovering and sober for a year - check back in 5 years and see where he's at), and he takes a sadistic joy in putting you down and constantly degrading you. I just can't imagine why any woman would want to involve themselves with this human train-wreck.

This guy has been shady for YEARS.

You've caught him engaged in shady/questionable behavior *SO* many times which begs the question, how many times did he get away with it and you *didn't* catch him? I'm willing to bet the answer to that is 'a lot.'

I think it would be extremely* naive *to believe this guy has never cheated, or that you've always managed to 'catch' him in the early stages when he was hitting on someone, and that you managed to keep it from happening. The odds simply don't support that wishful thinking at all. We rarely if ever catch them every time they cheat. And since your husband seems to love throwing fishing lines in the water every chance he gets, it just means he's constantly shopping for a woman foolish enough to waste her time with his sorry ass. 

I can only _imagine_ the crap he pulls in person with other women when you're not with him.

How many MORE times do you have to catch him texting/sexting someone or asking for a woman's phone number or his most recent bull**** behavior, taking his new 'friend' out to dinner and making sure you stay home before you finally decide you've had enough of this ass-clown? I wouldn't buy a damned goldfish with him, much less another _house_. Oh HELL no.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Susiequsie said:


> I asked a mutual friend who was on course with the two of them the tone of their relationship and he said she flirts with everyone. I really think it’s a one sided affair. She’s just being her normal self but he’s taking it as and trying to make it something that it’s not for her.


That means nothing in the scheme of things. His INTENTIONS are what suck.

If it weren't this woman, it would be someone else. The guy is an obvious serial cheater whose constantly looking for women.



> I want him to come to the realization on his own that his relationship with this woman is harming our marriage and own up to it.


The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting *different *results.

You need to be realistic here. He's been doing this crap for YEARS, hitting on women and trying to grow secret relationships with them, always looking for an opportunity. Jesus, he can't even go out to a bar or restaurant without asking a woman for her number if he thinks he's going to get lucky.

He's been doing this for years, so why on earth would you expect him to suddenly show a shred of integrity or decency now? Honestly, I don't get it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Susiequsie said:


> I know he needs to do this, but I don’t want to be the one asking him to because then it won’t mean the same thing. I feel like right now any effort he is putting in is forced. He’s not doing the work because he genuinely wants to, he is doing it because he thinks it’s what I want him to do or want to hear or because it’s easier to keep “faking” it than to man up and deal with the situation.
> 
> I want him to come to the realization on his own that his relationship with this woman is harming our marriage and own up to it.
> 
> I feel like if I ask him to and he does, he hasn’t learned anything, and what’s going to stop him from secretly contacting her, or forming the same relationship with someone else down the road.


He is not going to come to the realization on his own. That's not how infidelity works. He's got two women now fighting for him on some level. Why would he ever give that up?

You need to tell him that he has a choice, you or her. If he wants you, then he has to end all contact with her immediately. Until you are that clear to him, he will continue walking all over you and keep her on the side.

It's clear why he thinks he can cheat and even do it this openly. It's because you allow it and play the victim. And that gives him more amo against you to talk to his girlfriend about. 

The fact that he is discussing your relationship with another woman is a HUGE transgression.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Susiequsie said:


> Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know if it’s even worth trying to “fix” because I don’t even know if it was ever right in the first place. I feel so disrespected and undervalued.


Giving him any further ultimatums will only lead to more disappointment and stress. His current lady friend is only one of the many examples of how he has little respect or consideration for you. Life goes by fast. If he leave him, first you'll spend a year to recover, then you'll discover that life is much better without him.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Susiequsie said:


> Her number is saved in his phone, she is in the military, same as my husband. She does for sure have a husband whom she has two kids with. When my husband told me he talks to her about our marital problems I said so you guys talk about how you aren’t happy in your marriages and he said that she is happy with her marriage.
> 
> I don’t really have much of a social life. I work full time and am friends with my coworkers, but rarely see them outside of work. My best friend since childhood lives three hours away, as well as all of my family. One of my coworkers is a personal trainer and has been giving me home workouts to do for a few months now. And as for hobbies I do a lot of crafting and crocheting.


OH JESUS CHRIST. Military guys. Just like my guy here. LEAVE. No, RUN! And make sure you get all the benefits. Take a lawyer who is familiar with military divorces. Go to onesource.com. you will get FREE advice because you're the spouse.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

File.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Agree.... file immediately


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He is right.. he is.

You are overweight. 

You are about 185 lbs. overweight.

Or whatever the fathead cheater weighs on any given Tuesday.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Tell his CO!!!


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Definitely go. What a rotten jackass of a husband. There are plenty of better men out there who would love you no matter what your weight is.
Sounds like your financial situation is good.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Susiequsie said:


> I know he needs to do this, but I don’t want to be the one asking him to because then it won’t mean the same thing. I feel like right now any effort he is putting in is forced. He’s not doing the work because he genuinely wants to, he is doing it because he thinks it’s what I want him to do or want to hear or because it’s easier to keep “faking” it than to man up and deal with the situation.
> 
> I want him to come to the realization on his own that his relationship with this woman is harming our marriage and own up to it.
> 
> I feel like if I ask him to and he does, he hasn’t learned anything, and what’s going to stop him from secretly contacting her, or forming the same relationship with someone else down the road.


I have an old friend that said the exact thing, almost verbatim to this when her H was developing a relationship with another woman.

Within a couple weeks he actually moved the OW and her 8 year old son INTO THEIR HOUSE.

You read that right, he moves the OW into the house and would literally sleep with her and leave his wife alone in the master bedroom.

This went on for months until her adult daughters finally talked her into filing in him, at which time he started beating her.

This is what happens when people do not establish and enforce boundaries.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

My responses are inside your quote in blue


Susiequsie said:


> I know he needs to do this, but I don’t want to be the one asking him to because then it won’t mean the same thing.
> 
> Who do you think should be telling him to stop? He is doing it because you never made decisions on your boundaries in the past. Don't bother even telling him to stop. Just decide that this is the last straw, and that you are going to be the one to respect and take care of yourself even if he doesn't.
> 
> ...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You should go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Susie, the only way to deal with a cheat8ng spouse is to go scorched earth and be prepared to lose the marriage. Otherwise he will simply cakeeat whilst you suffer on.

Expose him to all friends and family
Expose the ow to her husband
Go see a lawyer and see your options
Do the 180,live life as if he is not in it, start going out with friends, do not be available, let him see that you believe what he says about you, 
No begging, pleading, crying ( in front of him) 
Move on with your life - get IC for yourself
Draw up divorce papers


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The 180 is amazing at helping to recover self-worth and independence. Try hard to follow it:

https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/AffairRecoveryForum/the-180-t10616.html

He actually DOES have a purpose - it is to chase other women. He is a serial cheater who is in his latest affair.

Don't be a sadsack sucker for him anymore. He treats you with contempt. You deserve far better.

It may take some time to get yourself strong enough to detach physically and emotionally, but the 180 will help, and you will love being free of his disrespect.

Again, *you deserve better.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Susiequsie said:


> No we decided a few years ago not to have kids, my reasoning because of his alcohol abuse, which now he says that another issue with our relationship is that we don’t have kids so he lacks purpose.


Drugie, alcoholic, womaniser.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

PUll back from him! Do not beg!!!

If I were you I would start working on myself, physically, mentally, get some confidence back. Act likeyou don't care what he does...that will have more impact than begging.

Nothing bumps up the ego of a wayward spouse then having two people fighting for them...no thanks!

I hate how arrogant people get when they are cheating and I am talking about both the cheater and the person they are cheating with...it is such a joke. The cheater acts like they are all that because they found someone other than their spouse that wants them...but even gross ugly people can cheat! and the person that they are cheating with thinks that they are all that because a married person wants them...no you are just second best.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Thanks for all of the advice so far and the brutal honesty. It is exactly what I needed. I am going to get in contact with a family law lawyer and see what my options are.

I’m going away next weekend for a girls trip that my sisters and I do every year so that will give me time to focus on myself, clear my head and prepare myself to drop the news to him. 

Since my post my husband admitted he was tested for STDs last year but still denies having a physical affair with anyone... that was the moment I came to the final realization that I need to get out. No one gets tested just because. The hardest part now will be “faking it” until I get all my ducks in a row and tell him we are done.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Susiequsie said:


> Thanks for all of the advice so far and the brutal honesty. It is exactly what I needed. I am going to get in contact with a family law lawyer and see what my options are.
> 
> I’m going away next weekend for a girls trip that my sisters and I do every year so that will give me time to focus on myself, clear my head and prepare myself to drop the news to him.
> 
> Since my post my husband admitted he was tested for STDs last year but still denies having a physical affair with anyone... that was the moment I came to the final realization that I need to get out. No one gets tested just because. The hardest part now will be “faking it” until I get all my ducks in a row and tell him we are done.


Smart lady, you are right, no one is going to go and get tested unless they felt there was a reason to be tested for STD's.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He's being sneaky.

You should NEVER need to beg a man to love you. He isn't being loving. He's being a selfish a$$.

Yes, leave him! Know he isn't being a husband.


Lay all the blame on him for not being honest and respectful.

Move money ahead of time - ahead of telling him.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

So does the original poster know the OW's husband? Does he know what's going on?


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> So does the original poster know the OW's husband? Does he know what's going on?


No, I don’t know him and wouldn’t even know how to get in touch with him.


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## Susiequsie (May 7, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> He's being sneaky.
> 
> You should NEVER need to beg a man to love you. He isn't being loving. He's being a selfish a$$.
> 
> ...


I have my own bank account that he doesn’t have access to with a hefty savings account.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Susiequsie said:


> Thanks for all of the advice so far and the brutal honesty. It is exactly what I needed. I am going to get in contact with a family law lawyer and see what my options are.
> 
> I’m going away next weekend for a girls trip that my sisters and I do every year so that will give me time to focus on myself, clear my head and prepare myself to drop the news to him.
> 
> Since my post my husband admitted he was tested for STDs last year but still denies having a physical affair with anyone... that was the moment I came to the final realization that I need to get out. No one gets tested just because. The hardest part now will be “faking it” until I get all my ducks in a row and tell him we are done.


Why fake it?

Let him know he has lost your trust and do The 180. 

Just don’t let him know what is happening behind the curtain. 

Don’t put yourself out on his account. Separate rooms and all. Just say you need to think things through that you don’t believe anything he is telling you.


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