# Bored Husband Won't Admit We Have Real Problems...Please Help!



## firsttimebride (Nov 13, 2012)

Well, I got married in March of 2012. My husband is 23, and I am 27. We met online in September 2011. We got married very fast because we are from two different countries (an issue which has caused us a lot of grief, but Ill focus more on the marital issues here as I'm hoping you will as well), and wanted to be together for life. I chose the forum section I did, because depression is a link that I think we both share. I could have chosen addiction, but I think this is more appropriate.

Fast forward to November 2012, and here is the problem I'm having. My husband has a physical labor job. He works very hard, 5 days a week. He says he really likes his job, and doesn't complain much about it. He's not even one of those "I don't want to go to work" people on Sunday night. He accepts it, although he can get very negative sometimes where he says he feels like he is a slave. I can totally understand that, but we aren't in a position where we can not work. He puts his all into his job, so much that when he comes home, and on weekends, he doesn't want to do ANYTHING. And I mean ANYTHING. I am happy that he takes his job seriously and is looking to get promotions, but I am a little frustrated that he thinks that's all he has to do in life. All he'll do all day/night long is play video games. We met in a video game, so I feel a little guilty when I tell him he should want to do other things more, but really, it's ALL he does and I am getting so frustrated. He has an addictive personality (as do I), but he doesn't see how it is hurting himself, me, or our life. I have told him numerous times that it affects me because it makes me feel like he'd rather be with the game than spend time with me, but he just shrugs it off. I tell him that I am tired of being alone all the time. He says that he cares about how I feel. I say to prove you care. When I tell him actions speak louder than words, he laughs at me. Which is exactly where he is lacking. I want him to be happy too, so I put up with the video games, because I don't know what else to do about it. I don't want to be controlling where he is unhappy, and I understand that it is a great way to let off steam, but at the same time it's getting to be very obsessive, and it scares me that he won't step up on other things that need to be done. 

We are in a very bad situation right now living with his family. His brother is verbally abusive towards everyone in the house, and we both are forced to put up with it, and our parents are always telling us we need to move out. Unfortunately, with the amount of responsibility my husband puts into our life, I feel like this is a long time coming. I also have a terrible credit score, and can't even work right now, which outright scares me about finding a new place to live. It makes me worried we will ever be self- sufficient. Sometimes I feel very hopeless. We have a small room, a small bed, and are paying them rent as well. This is not something we can change just yet, so we need to find solutions about living together here for now, and being supportive of each other. My husband just bought me a laptop for school, which I am grateful for. Unfortunately I feel like (most) of the reason he got it was so that I'd have something to do while he plays games on his. 

I'm a university student (with a huge amount of debt), and I am pretty busy between that, house chores, and taking care of our dog which has to be with me every second of the day or else she gets into the other dogs' food and can't lose weight, or she'll pee somewhere if I'm not watching her. I am not allowed to work here yet, or I would be. Just take my word on that because I don't feel like going into detail, whole other story. But I just think sometimes, in the future if I'm working AND doing school, is he going to expect me to take care of everything still? He doesn't seem to have the desire or will to want to help in any way. He's promised to help me on my diet, and walk the dog with me on the weekends, but when the weekend comes, he just flat out refuses. I have to beg him to even go to the store with me. And then when he pulls himself off of the game, he is so angry, I don't want him to come anyway because he just makes me miserable and reminds me of how he doesn't want to do anything with me. 

Since he works 2nd shift, I feel like I'm always alone. I am very distrustful of people, for good reasons, and I have a hard time making friends. I also have terrible social anxiety. I just do not feel comfortable with others. I break plans a lot at the last minute, because of my anxiety. I feel like, even if I did like people more, they would just end up disappointing me anyway. I know I'm not perfect, so even if I found a really good friend, I would be afraid of disappointing them too. My husband is the same way, he doesn't even care to see his family much. We rely on each other for friendship, and that's just how we go about things. My school is online, and I don't really want anymore online friends. I have enough of those on facebook. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do anymore. I am sick of feeling alone. I want my husband to care more about whether I am happy, because I am always trying to make our life better. He has confessed that he thinks he may need medication for ADD. I have ADD and I take medication for it, so I can understand that. But I can barely take care of myself.....I am overwhelmed on a daily basis, just trying to get through the day. He doesn't want to do anything to take care of his own issues. I know that he probably needs help for this, but at the same time it makes me bitter at him, because he doesn't want to do anything for himself and he knows that I am struggling with so much to do. I tell him that I feel like we had a terrible weekend, and he just promises to do this or that. I don't even believe him anymore, which is sad. He breaks so many promises, I feel like he has betrayed me so much, it's hard for me to get a perspective on what's really going on without feeling so hurt. I know he doesn't meant to hurt me, but I just don't know what to do anymore. The only time he seems to miss me is if we're in two different countries, and even that took a week before he sent me a text saying "I miss you so much. Call me." I text him at work sometimes with how I feel, and he says "I'll get better" or "I'll do more" but he never does....

I also feel like he expects me to entertain him on the weekend. When he doesn't feel like getting up out of bed, he says "Why should I? What is there to do?" like I'm supposed to schedule something exciting for him. We don't have a lot of money, so there isn't a whole lot we can do when we are up at weird hours of the night. Anything I suggest, is boring to him. He doesn't want to take walks with me and the dog, because he walks a lot at work. He doesn't want to watch a movie, it bores him. The only thing he seems to want to do is play video games. I can understand liking video games, because I do too. But I know I have other responsibilities, and I do them for both him and me. I am getting so frustrated that he won't take any more responsibility than going to work. I know it's not easy, and he works hard, and is tired, but I expect more from him. I know we got married young (we're both mid 20's), but I do want us to have a good life. And if I can't even get him interested in helping make a budget for us let alone helping me take the dog to the vet, and he says that everything is boring, it makes me feel like he's saying OUR LIFE is boring. He says he doesn't mean it that way, but I can't help feeling that way. Its like he's making an excuse to not need to do anything extra, all the time. I find it unacceptable, and it makes me pretty unhappy that he doesn't try to make our life better. It makes me upset that he knows I'm unhappy but doesn't want to do anything to help me. The thing that makes me sad is that after all I've done to be with him (we are from different countries, it's been a long road), I'm happy just being together with him watching a movie, whereas he doesn't seem to appreciate that I'm here, in the flesh, instead of in another country. I feel like he should be more appreciative of what I've done for us to be together, but he just isn't. He's never even bought me flowers one time. My last birthday I didn't even get a card. He's very unemotional, even though we got together on the basis that we felt for each other, and he was even the first to say I love you. I left my family and friends to be with him, and I feel taken for granted ALL of the time. When he doesn't try to do what it takes to make me happy with our marriage, I grow more and more resentful. 

I definitely feel like there is a disconnect here. No matter what I say to him or how I say it, I can't get through to him how serious this problem is. My attempt at communication is either ignored because he is annoyed or doesn't want to deal with it, or faked and then he forgets about it the next day. He has made me cry before from the hurtful things he says, and then he gets annoyed that I am crying. He says he doesn't understand what he's doing, even when I am very vocal about telling him to please stop right at the time it occurs. We have whole fights sometimes, where I ask him to be more considerate of my feelings, he agrees, and it doesn't even last a day. I ask him to be more supportive of me losing weight, but he doesn't even bother to educate himself about how much I should eat, or what exercise I should do. We have frequent frustrating fights where he thinks that bullying me about my weight is going to be a positive way to get me to change, but the things he says are getting more and more vicious and hurtful, not motivating. I have done everything to try to make him understand that I am fed up, but he doesn't seem to care enough. I threaten, I give ultimatums, I stop talking to him for short periods of time, and I try to have calm conversations where the key is communication, but it never lasts. He keeps saying he does care. Well then why does he continue to make the same mistakes over and over that hurt me SO much? Trying to lose weight is hard enough without support, let alone someone riding my ass reminding me that I'm a failure every time I eat something that's not a vegetable. I mean, he can't even be realistic about my weight loss goals. I tell him over and over again that crash diets never work, and that progress has to be gradual, but he doesn't understand, want to research it, or take my word for it. Whenever I make a mistake, he tells me that I have given up, and he gives up on me too. It's very disheartening to hear that. My husband is someone that never cries over anything, and he seems to never have emotions about anything. I don't know how to deal with someone like that. I married him because I believed he loved me, but sometimes I think, how can someone that cold even be capable of love?

How do I get out of this funk? I really love my husband and I believe he loves me. He is a good person, and I care a lot about him. I have done a LOT to be with him, and he seems to want me in his life. I do feel like he cares about me, but I just feel like he doesn't have the motivation to ever do anything about it, which I can understand but I need to see changes. It's even harder knowing the situation from both ends, because I just go around and around in a circle without being able to make a decision either way. What is it that you think we need here? The problem isn't with our sex life either, because that part is great. I feel these are legitimate problems, and I feel that we need HELP, but he wont listen to me about anything! Even if I were to show him this post, and lay it all out in the open, he would not be interested in reading it. If he did read it, he'd feel like any comments or advice are not legitimate or they are stupid, even though I just selected a random forum to post this on...I feel as a way of being able to easily disregard having to think about anything real. What can I do to get him to listen to me? What can we both do to make our marriage better? Please help me!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Books by Patricia Evans about Verbal Abuse are wonderful. Many people esp. men do not know that they are being verbally abusive, her books go into detail of defining verbal abuse and how to deal with it constructively.
Also the pair of you should read 'His Needs, Her Needs', now.

Self help books are a great place to start. Use your time to educate yourself on relationships, make it a job in itself.

When he does say mean things you must tell him "STOP that, you are hurting me with those remarks". 

Telling another person what they are thinking or feeling is a form of abuse, not many people realize this. 

Men are not mind readers, tell him a few days before your bday or Christmas, or anniversary that a card or small gift would be very much appreciated. And that you would like to do the same for him on his special days.


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## firsttimebride (Nov 13, 2012)

I would love it he would take a more proactive approach to our marriage and read self help books, but that is exactly my dilemma here. That he won't find time, or makes excuses to not do things that would make our life better. I think in school he had a hard time with doing work, and is why he never considered college. (Probably the aforementioned suspected ADD) He is good at making and working on computers, but I can't even get him to consider going to school for it because I think he has a huge fear of it (of course doesn't admit it though, he has no emotions to me). He doesn't like reading, or school at all. I have begged him just to do research on conditions that I have like asthma, so that he understands what I'm going through better (hey, you don't even KNOW what I would do if he fell ill I'd be THERE for him) so many times, but he just refuses. He justifies it by saying he already knows everything. He is SO hard to deal with!! 

Also, when he says mean things, I do tell him to stop. Sometimes I'm lucky and he will stop, but most times he just keeps going and going and going until I get so mad that I have to turn off his game (because he completely ignores me for it, claiming he can multitask but really he just ignores), and then he's pissed and he goes and sleeps because there is 'nothing else to do'. Or else I cry because I think, how can he love me or even care about me if he says such mean hurtful things without thinking about it? I know, completely pathetic!

He does have redeeming qualities though, and I know he is just struggling. Last night he could tell I was having a bad night, and he was very sweet to me. I was having terrible anxiety and he held me and made me feel better. It was so sweet, but it's like his alter ego. He never sticks around. He told me he would come grocery shopping with me this morning. He HATES waking up (understandably) but he had told me he would go. I was very skeptical, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt so as to not be a negative nancy. So the morning comes, and I had to fight with him for a half hour to get up. I told him that I was really sick of his empty promises, and getting fed up. It took him a half hour to get him up and then it was nothing but complain, complain. He uses the excuse "Tomorrow" thinking I will buy that, knowing that it will never happen. He is very hostile when he's tired. But I am tired of doing everything alone. Why should I be responsible for EVERYTHING that he's not, which is everything? I want him to take more responsibility, but I don't want to do it in a negative way. But I literally have to fight SO hard for just little things, it's driving me crazy! If I didn't do so much for our marriage, things would fall apart and I guarantee he would let them before he stepped up and took part in it! Which makes me SO heartbroken. Sometimes I just feel like I am there for his convenience. To do his laundry, dishes, make his lunch, to have someone to have sex with. It's a terrible thing to feel that way, but he just doesn't try that hard and I get so frustrated.

Currently trying to get him to go to the doctor because he has been coughing a lot and not feeling well, but it's an uphill battle because he of course, 'doesn't want to wake up'. When I suggest going to bed earlier, he says "I don't want to go to bed right after work" Okay but that doesn't mean 7am! I'm sorry that he has to commute a half hour and gets a ride from a friend that goes to work an hour early, but that doesn't mean that you can shrug off all other responsibilities and let them fall on me. I am just growing up myself, from a life of being irresponsible, trying not to bite off more than I can chew with all of my duties, and I need help or I'm going to snap! 

I will look into the books you recommended. Thanks for your post I appreciate it. 



indiecat said:


> Books by Patricia Evans about Verbal Abuse are wonderful. Many people esp. men do not know that they are being verbally abusive, her books go into detail of defining verbal abuse and how to deal with it constructively.
> Also the pair of you should read 'His Needs, Her Needs', now.
> 
> Self help books are a great place to start. Use your time to educate yourself on relationships, make it a job in itself.
> ...


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

It is just normal for couples to suffers some trials in their marriage. Yet, in any problems that you experience together, you must fix it together too.


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