# Advice and help needed, please.



## Toolittletoolate (Jan 20, 2012)

Good evening. This is my first post and I am so glad to find there is a forum like this out there. I have been really struggling with some marital issues for a long time. I was married very young (20) and 5 months later there was a baby. My first of 3. After the one year "honey mooning" stage (even before then there were 'red flags') my husband began showing some really ugly sides to himself. Over the last 10 years we have had our ups and downs, but never have I been able to get over certain things he has said, done, or not done. I am considering a divorce, but am not sure that my convictions are strong enough. 
What would have disgusted me years ago about someone's behavior, now seems the "norm". Holding on to my car keys while I search everywhere for almost 45 minutes almost in tears for fear of being late to work only to pull them out of his pocket and say, "You lose everything all the time. Aren't you glad I'm here to keep your keys safe"? 
It is these kinds of head games that he pulls. 
I have researched "Narcissism" and it fits him to a tee. He is always one-upping people whether they are friends, family or complete strangers. If I have the flu and have been throwing up for hours he will claim a headache, back-ache, or fake flu symptoms. ***Honestly as I write this I am feeling sick to my stomach. 
I don't know if I am writing this for validation, or just to put it out there. The real issue for me undernieth all of this is that I am a smart, focused, intellectual, kind-hearted, patient, loving, mother and wife. I would not sell myself or my children short of anything. So why? Why am I putting up with 
this? I could go on and on and on with examples of his short-comings and tales of sleepless nights, but what good does that do? 
I do know that he is very good at turning situations around to suit him and his agenda (whatever may benefit him). 
Divorce is the only way to do this as I have asked him for separations on numerous occasions, to all of which times he has guilted me by saying "how dare you try to break up our family" "how can you do this to your children?". Then he is the most charming, loving, attentive guy you could meet. 2 months down the road he is buying a 52,000$ truck without telling me (meanwhile I am driving a 20 year old foreign car) and we do not own our home and the payment on the truck was more than our mortgage. Of course he charms his way into that one by saying he will be respected more by contractors and business owners and will get more work that way. 
Is there anyone, anywhere that has dealt with a person like this, especially for long periods of time? How did you overcome thier dominance, how did you find the strength, how did you say goodbye?
I would really appreciate a mans perspective on this. I need light shed on whyhe is like this.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

* I am a smart, focused, intellectual, kind-hearted, patient, loving, mother and wife.*
I suppose that is the real issue. You are smarter more intellectual than him. So he has to 'downgrade' you.
You do have communication issues if he cant tell you when he spends so much money. Or perhaps he didnt want to get into an argument over it.
The advice I would give is that you really have to push him to the edge, if you think that would wake him up. With my wife unless she is pushed to the brink there is no moving her. Give him a time limit, tell him exactly what you want but dont make it to hard on him, then go for a separation. Its not divorce you can always come back, maybe take your kids with you.


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