# Finally considering divorce or separation



## HurtinginTN

Well, I have a very long thread (2 actually) on coping with infidelity. After all this time, yesterday she tells me that she still has feelings for OM and doesn't have feelings for me. Supposedly, it has been a month or so of no contact, but I strongly suspect it is just very deep underground. She wants to separate to "decide what she wants." She is "torn" between him and me. 

If she would just leave, that would be fine with me. I could figure out what to do with the kids while I was working. However, she doesn't want to leave the kids. She expects to carry on in our home as if nothing was different. She thinks separation means I go live with my brother or parents and keep paying all of the bills,etc. She keeps the kids through the week and I get them on the weekend. At one point when I was considering separation, a few false reconciliations ago, I mentioned sharing the house. She gets the house and kids through the week while I stay with family. I get the house and kids on the weekend while she stays somewhere else. (I don't give a flip where.) 

I don't think separation would solve anything. I believe it is just an excuse for her to bring her affair more open instead of so deep underground. I have explained that you could take two cloned plants that are identical in every way. You feed one and starve the other, which one is going to thrive? She says she needs time to decide.

Well, I am quite fed up with her and would be gone in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the kids. That, I guess, is my question. My biggest fear is the effect of separation and divorce on my children (son 8, daughters 9 and 11). They are the reason I have been so patient in staying through this BS. My wife seems to think divorce won't effect the children much. I believe most of this is the OM talking. He comes from a broken home. He also has 2 kids of his own that he never sees. 

Where can I go to see the effect of divorce on children? I don't want to be away from my kids. Even though she is in an affair and is the one pushing for the separation, I would have virtually no chance at full custody because I have a penis. I believe that is total BS, but my research and a divorce attorney advised me that usually the best a man can hope for is joint custody.


----------



## ClipClop

Tell her to leave. Fight for custody. You can win. Do not give in or let her ducked up views cause you to leave the house or the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HurtinginTN

We own the house jointly. I can not force her to leave without legal separation or divorce. I am debating doing a non-legal separation or just go straight to divorce. The cost of a legal separation is about the same as a divorce, from the little research I have done on it.


----------



## golfergirl

HurtinginTN said:


> Well, I have a very long thread (2 actually) on coping with infidelity. After all this time, yesterday she tells me that she still has feelings for OM and doesn't have feelings for me. Supposedly, it has been a month or so of no contact, but I strongly suspect it is just very deep underground. She wants to separate to "decide what she wants." She is "torn" between him and me.
> 
> If she would just leave, that would be fine with me. I could figure out what to do with the kids while I was working. However, she doesn't want to leave the kids. She expects to carry on in our home as if nothing was different. She thinks separation means I go live with my brother or parents and keep paying all of the bills,etc. She keeps the kids through the week and I get them on the weekend. At one point when I was considering separation, a few false reconciliations ago, I mentioned sharing the house. She gets the house and kids through the week while I stay with family. I get the house and kids on the weekend while she stays somewhere else. (I don't give a flip where.)
> 
> I don't think separation would solve anything. I believe it is just an excuse for her to bring her affair more open instead of so deep underground. I have explained that you could take two cloned plants that are identical in every way. You feed one and starve the other, which one is going to thrive? She says she needs time to decide.
> 
> Well, I am quite fed up with her and would be gone in a heartbeat if it wasn't for the kids. That, I guess, is my question. My biggest fear is the effect of separation and divorce on my children (son 8, daughters 9 and 11). They are the reason I have been so patient in staying through this BS. My wife seems to think divorce won't effect the children much. I believe most of this is the OM talking. He comes from a broken home. He also has 2 kids of his own that he never sees.
> 
> Where can I go to see the effect of divorce on children? I don't want to be away from my kids. Even though she is in an affair and is the one pushing for the separation, I would have virtually no chance at full custody because I have a penis. I believe that is total BS, but my research and a divorce attorney advised me that usually the best a man can hope for is joint custody.



Is she SAHM? If not she stays a week at house with kids/ then you stay a week in house. She wants out she can go. Kids can stay in house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HurtinginTN

golfergirl said:


> Is she SAHM? If not she stays a week at house with kids/ then you stay a week in house. She wants out she can go. Kids can stay in house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, she is SAHM. She has been home-schooling the kids the past few years also. I told her last night that we will have to enroll the kids in school. She still thinks she can continue that even separated or divorced. I told her no way. She will have to get a job to pay her bills.


----------



## kirby81

Why do you feel that you need FULL custody of the children? I know she had an affair. That makes her a bad wife. Yet, you didn't mention anything that makes her a bad parent. Is she abusive to your 3 children? Why wouldn't joint custody be an feasible option for the two of you?

However, that situation in mind for taking turns living in the house is most certainly not going to work in the long run. If she is wanting the separation because she would rather be with someone else ... then she needs to live elsewhere. Her having an affair was her choice. The consequence of her action is that now she must find a new residence and lose at least partial custody of her children.

Just my 2 cents.


----------



## HurtinginTN

kirby81 said:


> Why wouldn't joint custody be an feasible option for the two of you?


Well, the OM. I don't want to take the kids away from their mother. She loves them and they love her. However, I don't want them around him. There are many red flags that she refuses to see due to her fog, love blinders, whatever you want to call it. I see them very clearly and never want my children around that man. I have heard that I can stipulate that in a divorce decree. If she ends up going to him, I want full custody. I am very confident that relationship won't last long. Maybe after that one, she will find a decent man that I wouldn't mind being around my kids. But for now, I don't want them anywhere near him. I don't want her anywhere near him for that matter, but that is not my choice to make.



kirby81 said:


> However, that situation in mind for taking turns living in the house is most certainly not going to work in the long run. If she is wanting the separation because she would rather be with someone else ... then she needs to live elsewhere. Her having an affair was her choice. The consequence of her action is that now she must find a new residence and lose at least partial custody of her children.


I agree. That would certainly only be a short term situation. Maybe a month or two, at most. I also agree that she should just move out and go do whatever it is that she thinks she needs to do. Just without my kids along for her stupid ride.


----------



## golfergirl

HurtinginTN said:


> Well, the OM. I don't want to take the kids away from their mother. She loves them and they love her. However, I don't want them around him. There are many red flags that she refuses to see due to her fog, love blinders, whatever you want to call it. I see them very clearly and never want my children around that man. I have heard that I can stipulate that in a divorce decree. If she ends up going to him, I want full custody. I am very confident that relationship won't last long. Maybe after that one, she will find a decent man that I wouldn't mind being around my kids. But for now, I don't want them anywhere near him. I don't want her anywhere near him for that matter, but that is not my choice to make.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree. That would certainly only be a short term situation. Maybe a month or two, at most. I also agree that she should just move out and go do whatever it is that she thinks she needs to do. Just without my kids along for her stupid ride.


I also don't think it's fair for the spouse who leaves the marriage for an affair walk away with marital home and 80 percent of custody.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Ok first of all, WOW, I never thought I'd see you in this part of TAM. 

And in a way I feel like this :smthumbup:

LOL. 

Ok so she wants her separation: give it to her in spades!! BUT DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT move out.

Just cause she wants to abandon your marriage doesn't mean she gets to dictate and call the shots re: the separation, TN.

OH HAAAAIL NO. 

Tell her you will give her the separation but you ain't goin' nowhere. And if she isn't down with that, tell her a judge will decide for you.

She is deluding herself if she thinks this will go smoothly and get wrapped up in ribbon sand send off in the wind like a long lost love letter. No way. Divorce is NASTY. 

Nonetheless, you may bedoing more damage staying married to a woman who has no respect for you and has LONG term adulterous affairs in front of your children and that creates a toxic environment for the kids to learn from so yes I am happy to see you finally conceding, if only a little bit.

Thing is, you gotta let go full force, TN.

You CAN do it. 

She has strung you along far too long. You are a good man with a good heart and a good father and deserve SO much better than someone who lies to you constantly and strings you along.

I am happy for you!


----------



## kirby81

Ahh I gotcha. Yeah, that makes it a bit tougher when you don't like the other guy in her life now. Like you said though .. I do believe you can stipulate that in the divorce and custody agreements.

In the meantime, I would get the kiddos enrolled in whatever school is in your home's school district, and tell her she needs to start looking for a job now so that she can either pay the bills at your current house or be able to provide a suitable place for the children to live if she ends up being the one to go.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Jellybeans said:


> I am happy for you!



I don't feel so happy. Someday I will. I will be able to look back with no regrets. I gave it everything I could. I know you and many others have thought I was a doormat. I just haven't been able to get past the effect on my children. That still bothers me a lot. I think I cried more last night and today than I have this whole time (in a single day at least). I certainly never thought I would be here either.


----------



## Powerbane

If she wants out then she goes. Simple my brother. 

She still screwing with your head, don't take the bait. 

I finally told mine that if she wasn't happy she could go - guess what - she's still here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## outofashes

I found a lot of help through a program called Affair Recovery. If you are trying to stay in it for the kids, they are amazing. But if it's not meant to work, they help you through that too. Have you checked into them? It's can be a completely online program if you want it to be, and everyone who works there has been through it. Struggling with Infidelity? | Affair Recovery


----------



## 827Aug

I would completely skip the separation part. That's just her way of "cake eating". Either divorce or she get back to being a loving, devoted wife and mother. And you stay put in the house. Since she wants out, tell her she is free to go.

You should be able to keep the house since she has no means of paying for it. I was told by one attorney that whichever party has primary custody of the children usually has control of the house. Therefore, I think I would be finding creative ways to get her out of the house and you primarily caring for the children. 

Depending on your state, I doubt you will be able to have a clause in your divorce decree which stipulates who your children may have contact with once the divorce is final. As long as your wife is deemed a fit parent, she will share in the children's custody. How much custody depends on the judge or mediation. My divorce attorney has skillful presented my husband's real character to the judge. Hopefully the judge in your case will get to see the true picture of your wife as well--and decide accordingly.

You have really bent over backwards to save your marriage. At least when you walk away, you should have a clear conscience. No regrets.....I think it's better on the children to endure a divorce than to see family life as it is now. Good luck!


----------



## Jellybeans

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't feel so happy.


I know you don't but I asctually see this as PROGRESS. As you know, I firmly believe limbo is the WORST HELL EVER and she has kept you there far too long (and you have as well prisoned yourself too) so I see it as you finally escaping the clutches of
something that is holding you back.

And I agree with 827. The separation on her terms is just more cake-eating. I'd go file for af ull divorce & be done with it. If she wakes up then great, if not, no loss. She has to want to put in the time and effort and she has demonstrated repeatedly she doesn't care enough to. You cannot fix and restore your marriage all alone.

Release her.


----------



## ClipClop

Why would she walk away with the home? She will have to buy you out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## golfergirl

Jellybeans said:


> I know you don't but I asctually see this as PROGRESS. As you know, I firmly believe limbo is the WORST HELL EVER and she has kept you there far too long (and you have as well prisoned yourself too) so I see it as you finally escaping the clutches of
> something that is holding you back.
> 
> And I agree with 827. The separation on her terms is just more cake-eating. I'd go file for af ull divorce & be done with it. If she wakes up then great, if not, no loss. She has to want to put in the time and effort and she has demonstrated repeatedly she doesn't care enough to. You cannot fix and restore your marriage all alone.
> 
> Release her.


You will see more of your kids than probably even you realize. She's wrapped up in OM and carving time alone - she needs you. You can stipulate no parent introduce kids to dates for X amount of time - a morality clause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

The crazy thing about this entire ordeal is she hasn't even MET OM yet!!! She is insane.

TN, you are SO much better of. Trust us!


----------



## HurtinginTN

ClipClop said:


> Why would she walk away with the home? She will have to buy you out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She doesn't think she will end up with it in a divorce. She thinks a separation means I move out and she keeps everything the same. I still pay all of the bills, etc. while she gets to bring her affair into the open instead of so deep underground. I have told her it won't work that way.

I am considering the sharing the house temporarily so the kids have continuity. She gets the house and kids through the week. I get the house and kids on the weekends. That is until we sell the house. We will be systematically liquidating all of our assets, basically selling all of the **** I bought for her all these years to try to "win" or "buy" her love. She has more "stuff" than Wal-Mart. What a waste. Anybody want some nice paintings or jewelry? Just kidding, moderators. I'm not actually trying to use this site as a selling mechanism. I'm tempted to just rent a U-haul, load all that **** up, and take it to an auction house. Whatever it brings is what we get. Who cares? Take the proceeds and pay off some debt, buy her a car and split anything that might be left over.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Jellybeans said:


> The crazy thing about this entire ordeal is she hasn't even MET OM yet!!! She is insane.


I know. Or even talked to the mother of his kids he never sees. I told her last night that a man that never sees his children is a HUGE red flag. "Their mother moved two states away." So what. I said she should at least talk to this woman and get her side of the story. She has bought every word this POS has said. I have pointed out many red flags many times. That fog is so damn thick, you can slice it.


----------



## lordmayhem

Here's an idea, it may cost you the vehicle, but you end up with the kids and the house, and that makes it well worth it. She stated that she wants to go to OM in Colorado and live with him to see if it works. I say give her the vehicle and send her off to Colorado to live with him. This will be construed as abandonment by the court and will help your case in getting full custody. And if she decides to return home, you can deny her because of the abandonment issue. 

I'd lawyer up so you can see your full options.


----------



## RunningOnEmpty

If she keeps the kids all week long, and you get them for the weekend, you are setting precedent.

When you go to court, they will endorse the status quo, and you wont be able to get 50/50 custody.

1) DON'T move out of the house. This is a big mistake.
2) Go to dadsdivorce.com, and read and follow "The List"
3) Get a lawyer.


----------



## pidge70

lordmayhem said:


> Here's an idea, it may cost you the vehicle, but you end up with the kids and the house, and that makes it well worth it. She stated that she wants to go to OM in Colorado and live with him to see if it works. I say give her the vehicle and send her off to Colorado to live with him. This will be construed as abandonment by the court and will help your case in getting full custody. And if she decides to return home, you can deny her because of the abandonment issue.
> 
> I'd lawyer up so you can see your full options.


^^^ I was seriously thinking this same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Whatever you do, do not abandon your home. 

She wants out w/ OM-SHE can go. 

Get a lawyer, TN. We have been seeing this come for awhile now. i hate to sound harsh but your wife doesn't love you the way a wife should. She has no respect for you. She wants to do what she wants, how she wants and when she wants. Nothing that she wants has your best interest. 

Protect yourself. She's not looking out for you.

Get some IC for yourself.


----------



## HurtinginTN

lordmayhem said:


> Here's an idea, it may cost you the vehicle, but you end up with the kids and the house, and that makes it well worth it. She stated that she wants to go to OM in Colorado and live with him to see if it works. I say give her the vehicle and send her off to Colorado to live with him. This will be construed as abandonment by the court and will help your case in getting full custody. And if she decides to return home, you can deny her because of the abandonment issue.
> 
> I'd lawyer up so you can see your full options.


She said she just wants to go for a few days to meet him. That, of course, would work out because he would be on his best behaviour. She said she won't leave her kids. However, if she gets there, she may just stay. Who knows? Actually, that would probably be the best outcome. It would bring in the abandonment and everything else to give me a great chance at full custody.

I have a 3 day weekend this weekend. I've been considering taking the kids to my parents for the weekend. I've also considered telling her to go to Colorado. I wouldn't have the van and would be stuck at home, but I agree with the abandonment issue. She wants to go so bad, I'll suggest she goes now. I get paid tomorrow. Maybe I can find a cheap car to get me through for now. I'll have to delay paying other bills, but that will give me some transportation.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Jellybeans said:


> Get some IC for yourself.


I have been.


----------



## 827Aug

HurtinginTN said:


> She said she just wants to go for a few days to meet him. That, of course, would work out because he would be on his best behaviour. She said she won't leave her kids. However, if she gets there, she may just stay. Who knows? Actually, that would probably be the best outcome. It would bring in the abandonment and everything else to give me a great chance at full custody.


That was what I was thinking also. Make it sooooo easy for her and hope she goes for it. It would be great strategy on your part.


----------



## Nande

It depends on where you live. All states are different. In most states you can mediate a seperation agreement and let it become part of your divorce decree once you divorce.

Sit down with her and talk about it. You guys should sell the house and share custody. That is the best option.
The children should go to public school and the child support should be configured on earning potential.

As to the other guy beeing around your kids.........it is tough, but unless there is abuse or neglect,it is out of your hands.


----------



## SadSamIAm

Rent her a car for the weekend. Let her go. Tell her to go. 

This will take you out of this funk you are in. She will either like him and want to continue her relationship with him or she will want to end it.

I don't think it will make a difference to you. She has already shown you that you are at best, second best. Probably much lower than second best as the next man who gives her attention will cause her to want to leave again anyhow.

Let her go and file for divorce. Get on with your life.


----------



## HurtinginTN

SadSamIAm said:


> Rent her a car for the weekend. Let her go. Tell her to go. .


I did. I called her and told her to go this weekend. I have a 3-day weekend. If she isn't back, I'll make arrangements for the kids during the day so I can work. The grandparents are retired and live just down the road. They watch them often. I told her to stay and we will get by. I'll either rent a car or buy a cheap car to get me through. It will be better if she takes the van. That way, she isn't tied down to a time limit on the rental. She asked how long I thought she would stay. I said, I don't know, a week, a month, two. She said, "Do you think I will leave me kids for that long?" I told her, "Well, you talk about how miserable you are here with me and the kids. You think it will be perfect there with him. There is no telling how long you will stay."



SadSamIAm said:


> Let her go and file for divorce. Get on with your life.


My cousin was a divorce attorney. She is retired, but I will call her to see if she still keeps her license active. Maybe she will do it for me on the cheap. If not, I'll see who she recommends.


----------



## Sex

You need to get a lawyer today. Don't wait, get one now.

Men have a tendency to do exactly what you are doing right now,"I don't care, I just want it all to be over".

You are royally screwing yourself. Don't talk to anyone about this, especially your wife, without talking to a lawyer today. 

You need legal coverage to make certain your needs, your children's needs and your wife's needs are all met. If you forgo this advice, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

go now, seek legal council.


----------



## 827Aug

Definitely don't rent a car for her. You will have to use YOUR credit card. And you don't want a reason for her to return home early. And if she did stay for awhile, it would get costly on your credit card.


----------



## HurtinginTN

827Aug said:


> Definitely don't rent a car for her. You will have to use YOUR credit card. And you don't want a reason for her to return home early. And if she did stay for awhile, it would get costly on your credit card.



I won't. If she goes, she takes the van (we only have 1 vehicle). I will rent a car if need be while she is gone. I also had the same thought about it putting a time limit on it. In my mind, the longer she stays, the better my chances at full custody.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Sex said:


> You need to get a lawyer today. Don't wait, get one now.
> 
> Men have a tendency to do exactly what you are doing right now,"I don't care, I just want it all to be over".
> 
> You are royally screwing yourself. Don't talk to anyone about this, especially your wife, without talking to a lawyer today.
> 
> You need legal coverage to make certain your needs, your children's needs and your wife's needs are all met. If you forgo this advice, you will regret it for the rest of your life.
> 
> go now, seek legal council.


I don't see how I can be screwing myself. There certainly isn't a large balance in the checking account to be fought over. I've been fighting the fight for a very long time. If she wants to go, she can go. I am trying to find a number for my cousin who was a divorce attorney. I will start with her.


----------



## Sex

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't see how I can be screwing myself.


and that is why you need a lawyer my friend :smthumbup:


----------



## Shooboomafoo

The kids will eventually be fine. I have a daughter thats telling me to hurry up and meet a woman with a kid her age so she can play.
I am not divorced yet, but the court date has been set.
You know the kids love their mom, so split custody and physical possession at a 50/50 basis. If you had a lot of abuse, or issues that would matter to a court, it would be a different story, but since thats not the case, the only real thing you can do, and I too for that matter is to not fret about her involvement with the other man. Chances are she wont be wanting to bring the kids around him, kids get in the way, and potentially scare off the other man.
This also means, they stay with you, of which you document on a daily basis every moment of time they are with you so that in the future, when you seek modification of the custody orders...... see what Im saying?
It all doesnt have to happen right now. Just focus on getting yourself set and roof over those kids heads.
Consider if TN is a community property state or not.
Consider how you want to proceed with child support issues.
Homeschooling is not going to fly in a court of law in terms of establishing custody or place of residence. 
The courts want to see definitive plans and consistency.


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Also, its not in your best interest to concede to her wishes, i.e. van, etc. if theres value in any of it, barter with it!


----------



## Shooboomafoo

Vaseline the windshield wipers...
smear,smear,,,smear,smear,,,,smear,smear,,,,smear,smear...


----------



## Jellybeans

Do not rent her a van. She can pay her own way.
Do not lend her the car so she can have an affair.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Jellybeans said:


> Do not rent her a van. She can pay her own way.
> Do not lend her the car so she can have an affair.


She's been having an affair. She will continue having an affair. Hell, we're splitting everything soon anyway. Any money spent on this trip will come out of her half. This is going to be the hardest week or so of my life, no doubt. Maybe it is what is needed for both of us to find closure. I don't know. I just know that this limbo hell has got to go. I don't think I can reconcile at this point already. Hence the move to the divorce and separation section.


----------



## SadSamIAm

I think your wife enjoys the limbo. For some sick reason, she enjoys doing this to you. 

She will not make the trip because it will end the limbo.


----------



## HurtinginTN

SadSamIAm said:


> I think your wife enjoys the limbo. For some sick reason, she enjoys doing this to you.
> 
> She will not make the trip because it will end the limbo.


Wow, I've never thought of that. We'll see soon. I'm sure the jackass isn't all she thinks he is. He probably can put on a good show for the short time she is there (if she decides to return home). We'll see.


----------



## Jellybeans

SadSamIAm said:


> I think your wife enjoys the limbo. For some sick reason, she enjoys doing this to you.


Agreed. She gets of on it which is why she can't sh-t or get off the pot. Which is why she keep sstringing him along. She even told him that after meeting OM then she'll know. WTF answer is that??? 

DUDE. CUT HER OFF. SHE IS GONE. She uses you in a way that makes me want to knock her out. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. At all.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

I agree about not lending her the van/renting a car. In the last few days, you have said that you are so tired of the situation and over it and ready to let her go. If that is the case, why put yourself through more drama and have to borrow a car or rent a car for yourself? If you are truly tired of it and over it, just start getting your case together with a lawyer and let her dig her own grave.
If you're really tired of something, usually you don't do "more of it" to put yourself through more stress. Just my opinion.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Well, this trip had to play out. It will either do one of two things. Extremely unlikely, she will see through the fantasy blinders immediately and come running back ready to commit to the marriage and do whatever is necessary to keep me. That will be a lot.

Most likely, she will not see through the fantasy blinders. Anyone can put their best foot forward for a short period of time. She will be convinced he is Prince Charming and decide she truly does want him. That will take the indecision away from both of us. That will also play in my favor on divorce proceedings. I don't want to take the kids away from their mother. But I don't want them around him either. This will most likely get pretty ugly.

Either way, this trip had to happen. I should have let it happen months ago. Someone told me this is like quicksand. The more I have struggled, the deeper I sunk. The only option is letting go. That "let them go" thread is very true. Maybe I'll respond on that as well. I shouldn't have been trying so hard to hold water.


----------



## wunderbar

A few things - I whole heartily agree with someone else - get a lawyer TODAY. For several reasons - mainly if you DO file for divorce it protects your interests. You can get evidence of the affair, background checks on this guy in question, save your a$$ets. This isn't about taking her to the cleaners - its about saving you from losing full custody (or any custody), losing the house, paying a huge amount of alimony to support her SAHM/teach-at-home mother lifestyle. Seriously, it will help you get a FAIR agreement.

Secondly, did y'all try counseling? Would she agree to it? It might help, but it also sounds like its a bit late.

Your children - unfortunately it doesn't seem like she has given you much of a choice in the matter. You could hand her the book - "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study." But it probably won't sway her. At the moment she is thinking about only one person; herself. You can take your kids to family counseling or child psychologist to help them cope with what will be happening.


----------



## 827Aug

So, she is on her way? I think this is excellent strategy for you to get custody of the children. Just remember to document everything. Hopefully she will stay long enough to appear to be abandoning you and the children . Either way, you did everything in your power to save the marriage. You are going to be okay regardless of what happens at this point. 

Hope you and the children have a nice 4th of July planned.


----------



## HurtinginTN

She's there. My daughter has wanted to talk to her all afternoon. Her phone has been off. It's been off since about the time she would have arrived.

My sister-in-law invited the kids over for a sleepover. Thank goodness. I'm not doing too well and was having trouble putting on a happy face. It was rough enough while she was driving. It's even harder knowing what she is doing right now.

I have a bottle of jack calling my name. Or possibly the local bar to try to get the same kind of action she is seeing.


----------



## joe kidd

HurtinginTN said:


> She's there. My daughter has wanted to talk to her all afternoon. Her phone has been off. It's been off since about the time she would have arrived.
> 
> My sister-in-law invited the kids over for a sleepover. Thank goodness. I'm not doing too well and was having trouble putting on a happy face. It was rough enough while she was driving. It's even harder knowing what she is doing right now.
> 
> I have a bottle of jack calling my name. Or possibly the local bar to try to get the same kind of action she is seeing.


If you have to drink ( lord knows I did enough) do it at home. A DWI does not help you at all. Rant , rave, scream and curse the gods. Just do it at home. Holiday weekend man. Cops are thick this weekend.


----------



## Powerbane

Stay safe hurt. 

Worried about you man. 

I'll drop you a call tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

H-
I'm thinking you'll see the both of them in a few week, The OM's mom will want him out the house and your future ex wife will want to be with the kids. I imagine she'll start missing them in about 2 weeks time once the "honeymoon" is over. You'll be able to tell b/c her calls will start to happen...give it the weekend and by Mon... no Tuesday (the start off the work week) she'll make her 1st call to the kids. 

Then the calls will be more and more..thats when you can tell she's on her way back.

At least your ex has the van and can move the loser's junk with her.

Don't forget to journel...especially the lack of call and when the calls do start...keep track of this crap, you'll need it later on.

Maybe your future ex W will see the OM isn't that good of a spades player after all and come back with out him. And I'm just saying that for the kids....I know you would love for her to stay...

Stay stronge, your kids love you.

All so...support your kids they will need an answer form there dad why mom hasn't called in a few days. You may want you ex to explain that one!


----------



## HurtinginTN

the guy said:


> I know you would love for her to stay...
> 
> All so...support your kids they will need an answer form there dad why mom hasn't called in a few days. You may want you ex to explain that one!


Well, it's crazy. I begged her not to go. She left. I talked to her an hour on the phone while she was driving after the kids were in bed the night she left. She kept driving. She drove through the night. Today, I talked to her a few minutes when the kids wanted to call her. I didn't have much to say. I was pissed that she would drive 16 hours straight, with 4 to go, for him. As if just going wasn't enough, she had to get there as fast as she could. Right now, I don't want to talk to her at all. She turned her phone off about the time she would have been arriving there. My daughter has wanted to call her all afternoon and night. We tried several times and the phone was off. She has not called. Nothing. Her sister has tried to call her. Nothing. I even tried OM's cell phone just to tell her that her daughter wanted to talk to her. Of course, the weasel didn't answer. 

She will have to explain that to our kids. The first time the phone was off, I told my daughter her battery may have died. That is true. But later in the night, she would have had plenty of opportunity to charge it. My daughter said, "Mommy said she would keep her phone on the whole time." I said, "Yes, she did, didn't she?" We'll see how long it takes her to call.


----------



## WhereAmI

If your wife doesn't turn on her phone you might want to call the local police and have them check on her. This guy is all types of scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Powerbane

WhereAmI said:


> If your wife doesn't turn on her phone you might want to call the local police and have them check on her. This guy is all types of scary.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!

Don't wait too long Hurt. If she hasn't called by noon - call the cops in Colorado and open a missing person report.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clairebear

AGREE!!!!! AGREE!!!! AGREE!!!!! :iagree:

This guy can be anyone!!!! 

Your wife may be in danger, if she does not call you, do contact the local police, don't wait!

On other note what was she thinking? How anyone travels this far to meet someone that can be literally anyone?????? :scratchhead:


----------



## HurtinginTN

Powerbane said:


> TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!
> 
> Don't wait too long Hurt. If she hasn't called by noon - call the cops in Colorado and open a missing person report.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, of course, all these thoughts have been going through my head. And her family's head. Her brother called me this morning to get info on OM. I told them I had called his cell phone and her cell phone and left messages just to let us know she was safe. They had not responded. 

I gave him the info. I also have a friend that lives about 30 minutes from where I believe OM lives. I was also going to call him if we didn't hear from her soon. 

Her brother called me and said she is safe, but she won't talk to me. She is pissed, obviously, because I gave her brother the OM's cell phone number. He talked to her on it. She is safe, for now at least. Her brother is going to try to get her to go to his apartment in Kansas. Before he talked to her, he was going to go to Colorado himself. I don't know what he'll do now. 

Anyway, the safety issue is not a concern. I agree it is totally crazy. It's crazy that she told him she won't talk to me. Like I would really want to talk to her. I'll only answer calls if I am with the kids and give the phone to them. If possible, I'll let them do the answering. For now, I'll concentrate on taking care of my children. Her brother is talking to her. He has the means and is much closer to take care of any safety concerns. There isn't anything I can do from here, anyway. Time to move on with me and my kids.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Powerbane said:


> Stay safe hurt.
> 
> Worried about you man.
> 
> I'll drop you a call tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do. Anytime. I will be taking the kids to the river. I usually leave the phone in the car while we are there. If I get a missed call, I'll call you back when we're done. Thank you for all you've done during this ordeal. I don't know where I would be if not for the friends I've made on this site. Thank you.


----------



## 827Aug

Wow! She has really flipped over this man. Not only has she turned her back on you, but has also turned her back on the children. I definitely wouldn't try calling her for any reason. I also hope you can keep the children occupied enough that they aren't trying to call her either. Are the children aware of where she is?

I would completely wash my hands of her and not waste any time worrying about her well being any longer. That's what her brother is now there for.

Document, document, document!


----------



## HurtinginTN

827Aug said:


> I definitely wouldn't try calling her for any reason. I also hope you can keep the children occupied enough that they aren't trying to call her either. Are the children aware of where she is?!


I have no desire whatsoever to talk to her. I will let the kids call when they ask. I'm going to give them a fun weekend. I don't know if they know where she is. I'm not going to tell them. She will have to do that.



827Aug said:


> I would completely wash my hands of her and not waste any time worrying about her well being any longer. That's what her brother is now there for.


I agree.


----------



## SS668

I don't know if I should reply here because in essence I did the same thing as your wife. However, I will tell you my husband refused to leave the house and it forced me out. She needs to go for lots of reasons: she is the one who is deciding to be unfaithful; it will be a tremendous wake up call when she is out of the familiar setting that gives her any power; and all this affair that she is having may not be as important/exciting once it doesn't have to be so "underground." 

Yes, the children are going to be hurt. I was surprised how quickly though my three adapted to their new arrangement. However, they do need stability in their lives. If you can keep them in the house for the majority of the time that will be helpful for them as they adjust.

Separation/divorce? Would you ever take her back? If not, then file for divorce... but she needs to leave.


----------



## HurtinginTN

SS668 said:


> Separation/divorce? Would you ever take her back? If not, then file for divorce... but she needs to leave.


I had started this thread before the trip. We are separated now.


----------

