# Marriage Troubles... Thoughts???



## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for 4 and 1/2 years and the trouble is I don't know if we were ever sexually attracted to each other... This isn't a cop out or a way to say I want a divorce but it's a genuine frustration.... We got married cuz we like each other we seemed like a good fit and checked each other's boxes... Aparrently wr skipped the whole ****ing Sex Box which is a big box to skips.
I always felt our sex life was barely adequate and we never really focused on it til recently... Now we're both having individual therapy and thinking about couples therapy... Divorce is a real possibility even though we get aong great outside the bedroom... We both want to save the relationship because I have 3 year old with Autism whom is the light of both of our lives and we really get along... Lately however I'm beginning to think the sex can't be saved... Just interested in input from others


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

VCKid1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 and 1/2 years and the trouble is I don't know if we were ever sexually attracted to each other...
> 
> ...... Now we're both having individual therapy and thinking about couples therapy... Divorce is a real possibility even though we get aong great outside the bedroom... We both want to save the relationship because I have 3 year old with Autism whom is the light of both of our lives and we really get along... Lately however I'm beginning to think the sex can't be saved... Just interested in input from others


A few thoughts. Your young marriage is under a lot of stress and strain with a 3rd old child, especially with special needs.

IC is good, but you also need some couples counseling.

If you are into DYI mode you may first try falling in Love with your wife. It can be as easy as asking each other 36 questions.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html?_r=0

One of the things I feel is most missing is learning your partner's love languages so that they feel loved and cherished. Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love is great for teaching the two of you what you each need to feel loved. It can also teach you what your son needs to feel loved in HIS love languages.

Again, your young marriage is under a lot of stress and potential guilt with such a young child. Work on your marriage and helping each other fall in love and the sex will come.

Good luck and yes couples counseling is a good idea.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Please tell, what are the sex issues? Is it equipement related, a state of mind or the comfort factor? Combination of things? Something else? Too little to go off of to offer any meaningful input.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ask yourself this question and talk about it with your wife: Why do you want to have sex?

Is it to please her? 
Is it to please yourself?
Is it to have her please you?
Is it to have her please herself?

Believe it or not most couples having problems in the bedroom never sit down and realize that they can not reconcile this question with each other. Most wives simply want to please their husbands and do not care about pleasing themselves. Most husbands simply want to please their wife and make her orgasm as a way to test how much she really loves him. Combine both of those ideologies together in the bedroom without realizing how they conflict and you get years and years of a quality sex life thrown down the drain. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

What are you both not agreeing about? Frequency? Can't you compromise? You can still stay married and work on your sexual issues.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

I think 3-4 years is about the average time by which the sex life of a committed male (specially, but increasingly women are complaining too) starts going downhill. If you're lucky, 7 years...

Before that, the newness ensure that you are still into one another, tolerant and don't notice the lack of sex. After that, no sex becomes the biggest thing in a relationship going wrong...

Everyone will give all kinds of advice, but it's quite touch and go.



VCKid1982 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 and 1/2 years and the trouble is I don't know if we were ever sexually attracted to each other... This isn't a cop out or a way to say I want a divorce but it's a genuine frustration.... We got married cuz we like each other we seemed like a good fit and checked each other's boxes... Aparrently wr skipped the whole ****ing Sex Box which is a big box to skips.
> I always felt our sex life was barely adequate and we never really focused on it til recently... Now we're both having individual therapy and thinking about couples therapy... Divorce is a real possibility even though we get aong great outside the bedroom... We both want to save the relationship because I have 3 year old with Autism whom is the light of both of our lives and we really get along... Lately however I'm beginning to think the sex can't be saved... Just interested in input from others


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## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

There are issues with number of times and frequency... I'm on SSRIs which puts a damper on my sex drive! So, there is little agreement upon sex but we were never big into sex from the moment we got together... We love each other and want to stay together but the attraction feels like it's been an issue with both of us from the start of the relationship... It was one of those things where we both save each other from break ups and we were both in a bad place but we never really put any time or effort into our sex life and now it's become a real issue... Hope that helps you guys see the big picture...


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Stop taking the drugs.

Read some books like "His Needs, Her Needs", though others here probably have recommendations for books more bedroom focused.

You could consider counseling, but you guys just need to sit down and communicate what you each want out of this marriage. The other party should then set about providing those things, or working towards an acceptable compromise.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

VCKid1982 said:


> ... we were never big into sex from the moment we got together... We love each other and want to stay together but the attraction feels like it's been an issue with both of us from the start of the relationship... It was one of those things where we both save each other from break ups and we were both in a bad place but we never really put any time or effort into our sex life and now it's become a real issue... Hope that helps you guys see the big picture...


My first marriage was very much like this. My ex wife and I were awesome together, absolutely amazing. We loved each other, and were the best of friends.

But the sex life was never there. We tried, we worked on it, but it just never came together.

I resigned myself to, at best, average sex, and I was generally fine with that. Everything else was off the charts, and there WAS sex. Just not a lot of it, and not very good, either.

The issue was that she didn't (couldn't?) resign herself to it the way I did, and she strayed. Presumably to figure out if it was her, or me, that was the (quote/unquote) problem.

We're obviously no longer together. She found somebody else. Whether or not that area of the relationship that was lacking was the issue, I don't know, and never will (and don't want to!). Maybe she discovered that somebody else rocked her world in the bedroom, maybe it was only slightly better, maybe it was just the newness and excitement of it and she's right back where she started, but with somebody else. Who knows.

But unfortunately, these relationships do sometimes end up the way mine did, even though everything else was fantastic 

However, not all of them do, of course. Sometimes it can be "fixed" with some work and effort and meeting in the middle. Sometimes it can't, but two people can accept it the way it is (ie. the sex life is lacking, but at least it's there).

My very general advice is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Yes, that's jaded, but it's realistic. I was able to accept things the way they were in my previous marriage. My ex wife was not. And for all the years we were together, I could never see her going that route, but there you have it.


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