# I'm unsure of myself.



## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

I divorced my husband of 2 years, together for 6 years one month ago. The reason was because of emotional abuse and some physical abuse some years back.
Since then it has been a emotional roller coaster. He was suicidal for about two weeks, then depressed and begging me to come back each time we had contact. For me, at first I was happy to be away, but since last week I've been equally depressed, and detachment has been kicking in lately. I've moved back with my parents, where my mother constantly makes snide comments about how I still see my ex (as a friend). I've made it clear that I have no intention of getting back with him, but I'm sure he has a glimpse of hope in his view (to be honest, I have a speck of hope as well); but I know it will never happen. I couldn't bring myself to be with the person who was emotionally and physically abusive toward me, so I know I will not be with him again.

The question is then, why would I want to still be friends with my ex? We were friends for a year and half before we started officially dating, and he is one of few close friends I have. Since the separation he has started seeking therapy for his anger (among others) issue, it is much easier, but I realize he could be doing this just to "show" me. With my recent waves of depression, it has been especially helpful to have my ex available to talk to. My girl friend said that I should try and separate myself from my ex as best I can, which I have done. I try not to contact him unless I need help that I can't get from my friend (e.g. she is working and can't talk). 

Last week I quit my job and it has been especially hard. My parents are "in my business" constantly (not in a good way), and make a big fuss over my outings with friends and still-remaining contact I have with my ex. I try to go out to not be depressed and my parents ask so many questions it makes me stressed. I come back from a fun night out with the girls and my mother is waiting at home to ask me where I was (not in a I was worried way, but a interrogating way). I am 27, I don't do drugs, and I have a masters degree in education, is there really a need for all this at home? I'd love to get my own place but the place I live is very expensive and I would not be able to afford rent, even with my new job I'm starting on Thursday.

I'm just wondering if there is something I am doing wrong. I want to remain friends with my ex. In the future, I'd love to have him come out and meet (hopefully) my new partner, or whatever. After he has changed, I'd gladly meet his new gf. Is this a bad idea? Furthermore, why are my parents acting like a bunch of hound dogs? They invited me to come back with them and now I feel trapped and stressed living with them.


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## IfIwasYourVampire (Jan 5, 2012)

do you have kids??? if not, just forget about your ex- and move on, it will be better for the 2 of you, i dont think that after divorce people can have a healthy relationship, me and my wife are separating, we have 3 kids and i know that our roads will cross the rest of our lives, but it would be much easier if i didnt have to see her ever again.... why would i wanna be friends with her and then meet the new boyfriend???, no thanks,


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's your choice whether to stay friends with your ex or not but remember-this man abused you. Do you really want him in your life??? After he hit you?? 

Re: your parents, tell them politely to butt out of your life. You could say "I appreciate your concern and know you want the best for me however I want to do XYZ." 

Make a plan (financial, get a new job, etc), save $, move out of their home so you aren't there forever.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

In my dayplanner I keep a printout of the results of verbal and emotional abuse, from the Center for Relational Abuse (not a hobbyist site, by the way) I recently transferred it from my 2011 calendar to my 2012 calendar, and added to it "The Five Principles of Consent" (from another web site, again, google...) which is also good reading.

Please visit the site (you'll need to google...) for the full list of results of abuse. Two that stick out to me after reading your post are:

"A reluctance to come to conclusions." and
"A tendency to live in the future, e.g. *"Everything will be great when/after..."*

You wanted to know why you feel the way you do.
The question is, are you going to react to your feelings, or try to gain understanding and control of them?:smthumbup:

PS I am envious that you have parents who care enough about you to want to help in a physical and emotional capacity. Very.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need to get out of your parents house, until then a system like Frank describes above might make things a bit easier.

I don`t really see any good coming from maintaining any kind of relationship with your ex.
The relationship you have with your ex might be what has your parents hyperprotective.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> In my dayplanner I keep a printout of the results of verbal and emotional abuse, from the Center for Relational Abuse (not a hobbyist site, by the way) I recently transferred it from my 2011 calendar to my 2012 calendar, and added to it "The Five Principles of Consent" (from another web site, again, google...) which is also good reading.
> 
> Please visit the site (you'll need to google...) for the full list of results of abuse. Two that stick out to me after reading your post are:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sweetie, you are missing this, and I'll point it out to you.
Your Mom and Dad have got you on suicide watch.
All of these intrusions are because they want to get to your body while it's still warm and can be revived. They just can't communicate to you that they're concerned, because they know you will tell them you are fine, however under the circumstances even those with very stiff upper lips would not be. 
You do a great job of keeping yourself distracted by going out and also this upheaval with moving and job loss and churning up your emotions with your ex, but your parents have a different perspective on things. They are keeping watch. You are very lucky to have two people in this world who love you and care about you enough to intrude and to risk alienating you by doing so. Most of us have our children and our pets to care for and to listen to them breath at night to keep us calm and provide us security of mind by providing it for those dependent on us...and our friends via email and phone and our routines and hopes and dreams to keep us going...and a belief in ourselves when all else fails. I wish someone would barge into my room with laundry in the morning, to make sure I'm still breathing. Try to learn to listen to what your Mom and Dad are saying to you. It is a sort of parental language... Laundry=Love. And when they ask where you are going and when will you be back, etc. it's because you don't see it but in the upheaval that you're going through, you are a sitting duck for someone to abduct...knowing all too well that if your folks go to the police to report you missing, the upheaval in your life will prevent anyone looking too closely for quite a few days. It is courtesy to tell loved ones where you're going and when you'll be back, and to leave a written notice and to be reliable, so that if you happen to meet with any accident, like a car accident or illness, etc. they can have proof that you intended to be back, and also themselves not to be held in suspicion. Trust me, I've explained all this to my 21 year old because he likes to hike and was out late one night on the mountain, I was heading out the back deck door to go look for him before calling the local PD/search & rescue...because if I just simply went to bed and looked for him the next morning and then he wasn't there, the first question asked of me would have been - WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL THIS MORNING TO REPORT HIM MISSING? Innocent bystander laws and all that typically don't apply to close family. 
You have a duty to be responsible, as a houseguest, when you are in someone's home as a guest, parent or not. I travel a lot and when I do I let my hosts know where I'm going and when I'll be back. I had a friend give me what-hey once when I used bad judgement and trust me, I remember that she cared enough to set me straight.  It's been 10 years or more and I still appreciate that she cared.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Sweetie, you are missing this, and I'll point it out to you.
> Your Mom and Dad have got you on suicide watch.
> All of these intrusions are because they want to get to your body while it's still warm and can be revived. They just can't communicate to you that they're concerned, because they know you will tell them you are fine, however under the circumstances even those with very stiff upper lips would not be.
> You do a great job of keeping yourself distracted by going out and also this upheaval with moving and job loss and churning up your emotions with your ex, but your parents have a different perspective on things. They are keeping watch. You are very lucky to have two people in this world who love you and care about you enough to intrude and to risk alienating you by doing so. Most of us have our children and our pets to care for and to listen to them breath at night to keep us calm and provide us security of mind by providing it for those dependent on us...and our friends via email and phone and our routines and hopes and dreams to keep us going...and a belief in ourselves when all else fails. I wish someone would barge into my room with laundry in the morning, to make sure I'm still breathing. Try to learn to listen to what your Mom and Dad are saying to you. It is a sort of parental language... Laundry=Love. And when they ask where you are going and when will you be back, etc. it's because you don't see it but in the upheaval that you're going through, you are a sitting duck for someone to abduct...knowing all too well that if your folks go to the police to report you missing, the upheaval in your life will prevent anyone looking too closely for quite a few days. It is courtesy to tell loved ones where you're going and when you'll be back, and to leave a written notice and to be reliable, so that if you happen to meet with any accident, like a car accident or illness, etc. they can have proof that you intended to be back, and also themselves not to be held in suspicion. Trust me, I've explained all this to my 21 year old because he likes to hike and was out late one night on the mountain, I was heading out the back deck door to go look for him before calling the local PD/search & rescue...because if I just simply went to bed and looked for him the next morning and then he wasn't there, the first question asked of me would have been - WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL THIS MORNING TO REPORT HIM MISSING? Innocent bystander laws and all that typically don't apply to close family.
> You have a duty to be responsible, as a houseguest, when you are in someone's home as a guest, parent or not. I travel a lot and when I do I let my hosts know where I'm going and when I'll be back. I had a friend give me what-hey once when I used bad judgement and trust me, I remember that she cared enough to set me straight.  It's been 10 years or more and I still appreciate that she cared.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Sweetie, you are missing this, and I'll point it out to you.
> Your Mom and Dad have got you on suicide watch.
> All of these intrusions are because they want to get to your body while it's still warm and can be revived. They just can't communicate to you that they're concerned, because they know you will tell them you are fine, however under the circumstances even those with very stiff upper lips would not be.
> You do a great job of keeping yourself distracted by going out and also this upheaval with moving and job loss and churning up your emotions with your ex, but your parents have a different perspective on things. They are keeping watch. You are very lucky to have two people in this world who love you and care about you enough to intrude and to risk alienating you by doing so. Most of us have our children and our pets to care for and to listen to them breath at night to keep us calm and provide us security of mind by providing it for those dependent on us...and our friends via email and phone and our routines and hopes and dreams to keep us going...and a belief in ourselves when all else fails. I wish someone would barge into my room with laundry in the morning, to make sure I'm still breathing. Try to learn to listen to what your Mom and Dad are saying to you. It is a sort of parental language... Laundry=Love. And when they ask where you are going and when will you be back, etc. it's because you don't see it but in the upheaval that you're going through, you are a sitting duck for someone to abduct...knowing all too well that if your folks go to the police to report you missing, the upheaval in your life will prevent anyone looking too closely for quite a few days. It is courtesy to tell loved ones where you're going and when you'll be back, and to leave a written notice and to be reliable, so that if you happen to meet with any accident, like a car accident or illness, etc. they can have proof that you intended to be back, and also themselves not to be held in suspicion. Trust me, I've explained all this to my 21 year old because he likes to hike and was out late one night on the mountain, I was heading out the back deck door to go look for him before calling the local PD/search & rescue...because if I just simply went to bed and looked for him the next morning and then he wasn't there, the first question asked of me would have been - WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL THIS MORNING TO REPORT HIM MISSING? Innocent bystander laws and all that typically don't apply to close family.
> You have a duty to be responsible, as a houseguest, when you are in someone's home as a guest, parent or not. I travel a lot and when I do I let my hosts know where I'm going and when I'll be back. I had a friend give me what-hey once when I used bad judgement and trust me, I remember that she cared enough to set me straight.  It's been 10 years or more and I still appreciate that she cared.


I can assure you they don't have me on suicide watch. This morning I left and my mother didn't say anything, maybe she got it that I was getting very stressed out at home. 
While I appreciate that they want to know if I still exist, I feel like it's a little much to interrogate my daily schedule and meetings.... But I guess I'll just have to wait for my new job pay and get a mote private place. I do see what you mean by making sure to tell them when I should be back, I will definitely do that and see if that provides me (and my parents) any relief. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

When your kids get older and have had their own life, it can be a little creepy to have them in the house, especially when they have been through a lot, and there is a niggling feeling in them that maybe you aren't telling them the whole story. OK, once I had to level with my son when he was an older teen, and he had been smoking pot but denying it...and I felt he wasn't quite all there, that I was sort of afraid of him going off the deep end and doing something violent...I mean, a parent never knows what saying no to using the car on a certain night might mean... I appreciated his shock, it was honest, and I received many reassurances but he also changed his behavior towards me. He also stopped smoking pot but that was because he got found out by accident when a contractor was working in the attic crawl space and pulled out some insulation...hahaha, karma got him good that day, he even said that if the stars were that aligned of him being found out, it was time to quit, a sign.

Anyway, if you can be a better communicator to your parents and don't feel like they are always keeping tabs on you but do what you can to make them more comfortable with you, even if it means treating them as other than your mom and dad schedule-wise... I think they'll feel easier about you. It's an opportunity to establish a sort of grown-up relationship. They don't expect you to have all the answers, they just want to make sure you are okay...and like I always tell my kids when we have to do something new, don't look to me for rock-solid advice, I have never been through this before, I will do my best and we will keep in touch. My older son saw me go through some iffy times but we always find a way for honest communication. I rarely worry about him.

I do recall having left my first husband and moved into my friend's home (they had acted as foster parents for me when I was younger), with my baby, and they were all over me about every little thing. It turns out they were having some very grave family problems themselves and I got used as a scapegoat. I did move out as soon as I was able, even though rationally/financially it made more 'sense' to wait and save up $...well, the guy ended up in the psych hospital, there was all kinds of stuff going on I had no clue about. So do pay attention to your gut and if you feel that this situation is unhealthy for you, by all means get your own cozy little safe place where you can recover without introducing more 'stuff' into your life. 

You're the one experiencing all this but hopefully getting outside ideas about the situation helps to shed some light on it all.

I would just be very leery about pinning your sights on the future and how things are going to work out all cool with the ex, and also about feeling unsure of yourself. It's normal to be this way after abuse...and a skilled therapist will teach you the skills you need to recover. Which is a process, not an end result. You will be in recovery the rest of your life. Sometimes you will forget about it, but mostly you will remember. I think in some ways being codependent is like being an alcoholic. You really have to monitor your environment.


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

wow thanks homemaker
this was very informative and motivating for me.
its the start of a new year after all and i think i have a lot of things on my plate... for now i think i will try and work things out for myself, mostly spiritually, and see where i want to be. NOT with ex, definitely, but maybe not living with my parents. i love my parents but too much can be too stressful at this point.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you will be okay but pay attention to your 'symptoms' and definitely go to that site to look for all of them and to be educated. If you had cancer or diabetes or a thyroid problem, you would do everything you could to be educated about your condition. This is no different, really, and it can actually result in physical health issues. So if you do develop any physical health issues, be sure to talk to your provider about what you've been through. Sometimes the body can go into overdrive, and part of that is diminished short-term memory and diminished capability to make decisions from a logical point of view. Your instincts though should still be intact. But it's easy to feel off-kilter and unsure. It's due to adrenaline and stress reaction. You want to run, but not sure to where. So pay attention to where it is you actually feel safe. 

Many people forget when they are in a sort of crisis situation, that not everybody was hanging around being emotionally healthy and in a stable holding pattern when you needed help. Your mom and dad might have issues together or separately that they set aside to take on their role again. We forget about parents also being afraid of the deep end so to speak. Unless you have my mother...LOL. I shouldn't laugh because she's not well. But it's one of those laugh or end up crying deals. The more I parent my own kids, the more I realize how out to lunch she really was. I used to blame it on the 70's. :-o


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

Well, my mother has issues of her own as well. I've been trying to help her since I came back but, it doesn't seem to be going anywhere but in circles, another reason why I think she is giving me so much trouble.
I think as a parent yourself, you probably have a much better understanding of this issue, and I think you're right that it is a big change for all dynamics of the family. My parents, having to see me in the house again, me dealing with my parents and siblings. 
There is the issue about my ex, but I think I will be okay in that department, I'll take up on reading more and trying to stay afloat, physically and mentally.
Thanks and good luck with your family. Wish you the best


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

applelemon said:


> I divorced my husband of 2 years, together for 6 years one month ago. The reason was because of emotional abuse and some physical abuse some years back.
> Since then it has been a emotional roller coaster. He was suicidal for about two weeks, then depressed and begging me to come back each time we had contact. For me, at first I was happy to be away, but since last week I've been equally depressed, and detachment has been kicking in lately. I've moved back with my parents, where my mother constantly makes snide comments about how I still see my ex (as a friend). I've made it clear that I have no intention of getting back with him, but I'm sure he has a glimpse of hope in his view (to be honest, I have a speck of hope as well); but I know it will never happen. I couldn't bring myself to be with the person who was emotionally and physically abusive toward me, so I know I will not be with him again.
> 
> The question is then, why would I want to still be friends with my ex? We were friends for a year and half before we started officially dating, and he is one of few close friends I have. Since the separation he has started seeking therapy for his anger (among others) issue, it is much easier, but I realize he could be doing this just to "show" me. With my recent waves of depression, it has been especially helpful to have my ex available to talk to. My girl friend said that I should try and separate myself from my ex as best I can, which I have done. I try not to contact him unless I need help that I can't get from my friend (e.g. she is working and can't talk).
> ...


:scratchhead:

First of all, you were smart to leave an abusive relationship.

But you are being dumb by not cutting off all contact with this guy.

To do anything else is only damaging your ability to heal and move on from what was an unhealthy relationship and preventing you from becoming an emotionally healthy person yourself.

A normal healthy person would not want contact with someone who abused them.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

You are mistaken if you think he's going to change: abusers rarely do. The best thing you can do is get him out of your life for good and forever. I suggest you pick up a copy of the book "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book covers both physical and emotional abuse, and also outlines the steps abusers need to take to change; lots of hard work most aren't willing to do. 

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


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## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

cyan said:


> You are mistaken if you think he's going to change: abusers rarely do. The best thing you can do is get him out of your life for good and forever. I suggest you pick up a copy of the book "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book covers both physical and emotional abuse, and also outlines the steps abusers need to take to change; lots of hard work most aren't willing to do.
> 
> Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


@unhappy @ cyan... I'm starting to see your point ... Very interested in the book but how should I go about dropping my ex if he lives 5 min. away ... We go to the same school live in the same town, I just can't see how can stop all contact whatsoever... :-/ I'm not moving so that's not a option. Took some of the advice earlier about stopping contact. I tried my best and I'm not calling him for emotional problems, my friends have been very good and tolerant with me on that and just listening .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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