# Update to my work travel - not going well.



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I had posted before about not looking forward to upcoming work travel because at that time my H and I had never spent so much time apart. (Not since before we were married.) And I dont even travel that much. These stints have me gone a week at a time. I know that's nothing compared to what a lot of other couples go through. 

We have two young kids and while I travel, H takes care of them. Not a huge deal, hes a great dad and more than capable...but I sympathize because its still tough to work FT with a long commute each day and do it by yourself. 

So anyway, ever since the travel started things between us have been strained. Things were fine before I started travel. I was so hoping that the responses I got from others saying that the time apart made you closer would ring true for us. So far, its just been bad. 

I make a very big effort to stay in touch while gone. Texting him thru out the day to check in and then having a 30 min Skype date with him and the kids in the evening. My work days are long and hellish on travel...min of 12 hours stretching to 16 hrs and after the long day we grab dinner and a drink or two (nothing inappropriate, strictly professional business talk the whole time) before crashing to do it all again the next day. 

All my texts were met with one or two word answers. Ok...maybe he was busy? I let it go. Skype dates had to be a bit rushed on my end because I didnt have much down time during my day when the kids were awake. Most of the skyping was between me and the kids because he wouldnt talk to me and would just keep putting the kids on!

Last day of travel, night before we came home, I excused myself early from dinner and made it an early night on purpose so that I could spend some time talking to H, sensing there was some kind of wall being put up. I decided not to address it directly and instead just made the convo light and fun, and even decided to use skype for something fun since we had never done that before! Well he seemed to really enjoy that and made a big deal about how much he was looking forward to me coming home the next night.

Get home at 11p. It was obvious we were both tired but he had stayed up waiting for me (kids in bed). I come in expecting a warm welcome, he doesnt even get up off the couch to say hello! Its clear the mood is wrong, not sure what the problem was but I figured we were both tired so whatever. We go to bed and he rolls over and promptly starts snoring. 

Next day, still coldness from his end. No affection or happiness that I am home. He nitpicks my every word and it happened to be a weekend day that day, I offered for him to have the day off and I would take the kids to run errands since he'd had no time to himself for the last week. He said he didnt want that so he came on the errands with us. Nasty attitude the whole time, b!tching about my driving, making comments all through the stores about how long it was taking (when I offered for him to stay home??)...just spewing negativity. Wtf?

And it's been like that ever since I came home...a week now. I was so itching to get home when I was away, thinking about how much I missed him. Now I wonder what I was rushing home to? I called him on the attitude the other day when we were alone and all I got was a bunch of gaslighting about how crazy I am and how I am starting drama when there is none. 

Btw, I initiated sex last week after a few days passed since my arrival home and it was clear he wasnt going to do it. I thought we could take advantage of our skype experience to spice things up. Nope. We got together but he pretty much just went through the motions and since then, nothing. 

I have to go back on travel again soon and now part of me is relieved for the space, which I HATE. I dont want to look forward to being apart.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So when you talked to him about this, what was his response?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update to my work travel - not going well.*



PBear said:


> So when you talked to him about this, what was his response?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His response? 

"I don't know what youre talking about"


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sounds passive aggressive and childish. 
I definitely sympathise because working all day and doing kids at night is hard. And if it was his first time going it alone it must have been even harder for him. 

When is the last time he got to go somewhere on his own? When did the two of you last get away? 

You did your best trying to be nice to him but not talking with him and being avoidant yourself can be even more upsetting. 

A feeling of "why did I rush home" is understandable but it isn't helpful. You didn't get your expectations met and neither did he. What were his expectations? Or is he always passive aggressive and sulky when he is inconvenienced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Given his response to you I recommend not giving into his punishment. Be happy with yourself and always be kind but if he cops an attitude leave him alone after telling him you are willing to talk but if he insists on being dishonest so he can punish you longer you will not play along. Then go about your day and have fun doing it. He is choosing to play this annoying game but you don't have to respond to it. 

If he is rude walk away. If he is unpleasant don't invite him out with you. 
Eventually the little boy in him will feel bad about missing out and he will come back being all nice and hoping you will just accept him back into the fold without making him talk about it. 

I feel for you. Raising husbands is a challenge!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Well, a week may not seem like a long time but when you are caring for children on your own, a week can feel like a month!  

And I apologize because I don't know your entire story but does your husband work? Could it be that he is feeling resentment over the fact that you are the breadwinner, you get to fly off to different places and get wine and dined? Now, don't get me wrong, I have to travel too for work sometimes and it sucks. It is draining and exhausting! But to an outsider who doesn't understand the long days and dinners you feel obligated to attend, it seems like a vacation. 

Perhaps it's difficult for your husband to admit he feels envious of your job and your travel (i.e.; no kids, no dinners to make, no dishes to wash) and instead he takes it out on you by making passive aggressive comments or gestures? 

I would sit him down again and tell him how much you dislike being away from HIM and how much you miss HIM. Don't group him in with the kids and say you miss him AND the kids. Because that's a given. Instead, make it personal. Make it all about him. 

When my partner tries to gaslight me I will just look at him and calmly say, "I'm not crazy. I know when things are off and when they aren't. When you are ready to talk about how I feel and why I feel the way I do, let me know". Usually shuts him up but it doesn't stop him from trying to backpedal his way out of things later. 

I'm sorry you find yourself looking forward to work travel. I know what it's like and if that is something you look forward to then I am very sorry for how things must be for you at home.  

Good luck.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I have to go back on travel again soon and now part of me is relieved for the space, which I HATE. I dont want to look forward to being apart.



Wow... I don't really have an answer for his behavior. 

This may be a separate issue, but I think texting throughout the day every day, and 30 minutes of skyping every night seems a bit excessive. If that's what you really want, go for it. But for both of you to attempt it every day, after 12-16 hour work days, seems like its a strain and would build up resentment after awhile. 

My wife and I are constantly apart and on average, call each other every 2-3 days, with sporadic emails/texting in between.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update to my work travel - not going well.*



Theseus said:


> Wow... I don't really have an answer for his behavior.
> 
> This may be a separate issue, but I think texting throughout the day every day, and 30 minutes of skyping every night seems a bit excessive. If that's what you really want, go for it. But for both of you to attempt it every day, after 12-16 hour work days, seems like its a strain and would build up resentment after awhile.
> 
> My wife and I are constantly apart and on average, call each other every 2-3 days, with sporadic emails/texting in between.


I did it for him, because I thought it would make him feel loved and let him know I was thinking about him. 

I will probably not do it again on the next trip as it wasnt well recieved I guess and it wasnt done for my benefit. I went out of my way to check in. 

The skyping is a non negotiable though. My kids are so young that they barely understand what it means to have a job, they dont really get the travel bit or seem to understand when I will be home (cant read a calendar yet).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A couple of thoughts

1. He's not recognizing that he needs to put real effort into making this work. It's more than him taking care of the kids entirely on his own when you are traveling. He also has to step up as a 50% owner of the relationship and put real effort into also making the relationship thrive in this situation. He's not doing that, instead he's taking out his frustration and resentment upon you.

2. He should hire a sitter while you are away to give himself some downtime. Even if its three hours on Sat afternoon where he goes and hangs with friends or hits balls at the driving range.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I would bet that the answer lies with a couple of things. One is that he probably sees no sense in complaining or venting to you because he knows that you feel badly about the travel assignment. He knows too that it's a temporary thing (a couple of months, right?) and it will pass and the only thing to really do is power through it and get it over with.

That being said, he's probably a little overwhelmed at how difficult it really is to work full time, run a house and take care of little kids. If that's the case, even communication that normally is welcomed can feel like just another obligation--that's what I find anyway. Your time on Skype with the kids is probably a chance for him to throw some dishes in the dishwasher and change the laundry or heck--go to the bathroom by himself! 

Maybe the approach you need to make is to tell him that you know this is challenging for you both and ask him how you can make it easier for you both. Maybe it's freezing some dinners that can be taken out and heated up. Maybe it's agreeing that you'll both text when you have a chance and unless otherwise stated, no reply is needed right away. Who knows, but I think it's not so much about getting frustrated or apologizing or anything like that, just recognizing that you're both out of your routine and trying to streamline things.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

The question really is does he want you to travel. I suppose you need it for you job. Is he happy about it. 

It sounds like he isnt.


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## CarefulinNY (Sep 30, 2013)

accept1 said:


> The question really is does he want you to travel. I suppose you need it for you job. Is he happy about it.
> 
> It sounds like he isnt.


I really hate it when my wife travels for work. Sounds like you're on to something.

When I find out my wife has to travel I am in a bad mood all the way up to the trip itself.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Yep. Sounds like he's pissed off at you for traveling for work. Not much he can do about it, he knows you need your job. Maybe that pisses him off even more.

He doesn't want to talk in circles about it with you, so instead he's holds it in and the result is a crabby attitude with you. He's already thinking about you leaving again.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Yep. Sounds like he's pissed off at you for traveling for work. Not much he can do about it, he knows you need your job. Maybe that pisses him off even more.
> 
> He doesn't want to talk in circles about it with you, so instead he's holds it in and the result is a crabby attitude with you. He's already thinking about you leaving again.


I understand what you are saying. Really, I do. And you're probably right. But does that mean it's acceptable for him to act like a butthole? I am trying to be patient but find myself getting really tired of it.

It would be one thing if he just said - hey, this whole thing sucks, doesn't it? But it's entirely different to have him sulking, fuming, biting my head off and then when I try to talk to him about it he says "I have no idea what you are talking about! Stop making things up!"


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Maybe the approach you need to make is to tell him that you know this is challenging for you both and ask him how you can make it easier for you both. Maybe it's freezing some dinners that can be taken out and heated up. Maybe it's agreeing that you'll both text when you have a chance and unless otherwise stated, no reply is needed right away. Who knows, but I think it's not so much about getting frustrated or apologizing or anything like that, just recognizing that you're both out of your routine and trying to streamline things.


That's a good idea. I will try that. 

What we did do while he was away, was I pre-arranged for him to have dinner at his parents house two nights that I was gone. His mom already watches our kids while we work, so that way he could just go to her house and she fed him and watched the kids while he got a little bit of a break to relax. 

I also tried to grocery shop ahead of time that week and meal plan for him to have lots of easy things to fix quickly and I left a secret stash of cash for him in case he wanted to just order pizza or get take out. 

But I will try to talk to him again and get to the bottom of it. It's just tiring to deal with a grown man who acts this way. 

You know, it's been seven years since we had spent that much time apart, and I hadn't realized until I returned from my first trip how negative he can be. I spent a week with coworkers who I wasn't exactly "friends" with, but no one had any meltdowns or b!tched about my driving or complained about things that were outside of our control. Everyone bucked up and made the best of the situation we were in, despite the conditions and being exhausted by the long hours. Then I came home, and it feels like every thing that has come out of his mouth since then I've thought to myself "ew, was he always this way?" 

Just not what I wanted it to be like when we were reunited. I had visions of us running through a grassy field towards each other in slow motion - instead it's this!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

kag123 said:


> You know, it's been seven years since we had spent that much time apart, *and I hadn't realized until I returned from my first trip how negative he can be*. I spent a week with coworkers who I wasn't exactly "friends" with, but no one had any meltdowns or b!tched about my driving or complained about things that were outside of our control. Everyone bucked up and made the best of the situation we were in, despite the conditions and being exhausted by the long hours. Then I came home, and it feels like every thing that has come out of his mouth since then I've thought to myself "ew, *was he always this way?"*
> 
> 
> > Good question, has he always been this way?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Then I came home, and it feels like every thing that has come out of his mouth since then I've thought to myself* "ew, was he always this way?" *


May I direct you here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...grouch-sometimes-i-just-lose-my-patience.html


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I guess its easy to become desensitized to things after being exposed to them for so long. In this case the distance has been eye opening. 

The question I have is what can I do about it. Continue to ignore it, continue to refuse to speak unless he shapes up, continue to point out his behavior? None of these seem like long term solutions to a problem that he doesnt even acknowledge exists. 

Btw thanks for digging that up, I honestly didnt remember making it or maybe I wouldn't have come here posting about the same thing again. Now I am a bit embarrassed I didnt remember about that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont be embarassed at all! I did that so that you could see that you HAD come here before about his crappy attitude. When you are mired in it day to day, it becomes your normal, sad to say. I do think the distance is bringing you some clarity.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, be careful about yourself. It's super easy to fall into an affair when your surrounded by a group of others who share the same project, same schedule and have nothing to do but work, eat, drink,talk.

No kids, no laundry, no bills, just shared fun and work - and no grumpy husband.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

All of those of us who have travelled for work know that it is not as much fun as people who have not done it imagine it to be. I don’t do much work travel anymore (maybe 2-3 days once or twice a quarter, it used to be weeks at a time) but it always means a very early start to get wherever so that you can get a full days business done, then either a working evening meal with colleges / customers or a room service tray before you get to bed. An early start each day you are away maybe checking that PowerPoint presentation whist having your breakfast then on the last day it’s a long commute home.

Being the one left at home with the kids is no fun either especially (as in your families case) if you have to juggle work and kids, extra work / responsibilities around the home and no partner to help out or provide comfort.

Some couples can benefit from the extra independence / space that it allows but for most it is just a matter of surviving it.

From what you have told us your husband is struggling to remain upbeat about it and you need to talk to him / discuss ways to make the separations more bearable. It might be that the frequent e-mails / messages / calls are just a constant reminder of what he is missing (you and the support you are for each other). Could it be that once you are home he wants to either make a big fuss (a meal for two and a bottle of wine) or would rather pretend the absence has not happened and treat it like any other evening? I always take a small gift home for my wife even if it is only a bunch of flowers from the service station or perfume from the duty free just so that she knows that I appreciate the extra work she has had to do whist I was away. Maybe your husband needs you to show your thanks in that or another way. 

Only he knows how he feels (you can guess by his actions / manner) but you will not find a resolution unless you both talk openly about it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update to my work travel - not going well.*



Wiltshireman said:


> Only he knows how he feels (you can guess by his actions / manner) but you will not find a resolution unless you both talk openly about it.


You're absolutely right. How do you talk openly when he pretends there is no problem? 

I planned two events for us in the week that I was home. One was a beer festival that we attended with a group of friends, no kids. He sulked into his beer the entire time we were there and was glued to espn on his phone the whole time. He didnt speak to me or anyone else. I let it go and focused on our friends so as not to start any public drama, but everyone pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. I just shrugged and said I didnt know and changed the subject. I was irritated that he spent the entire time acting like that and I let him know it when we got ready to leave. 

I also bought tickets to a baseball game...nice seats, club level. Hes a big baseball fan. Again we went with a couple of friends. His friends. I originally wanted to go out to dinner before the game just the two of us to have a little date (we were without kids that time too). We got to the restaurant and there was a long wait. He didnt want to wait so we just went to the game early and sat together in our seats in silence while we waited for our friends to show up. Any attempt at conversation was pretty much shut down. When the game started he didnt say a word, even during breaks. The other guys even tried to talk about the game a bit "did you see that play?" and he pretty much shrugged them off. One of the wives pulled me aside and asked me what was going on, I quietly told her I wasn't really sure but for some reason we weren't getting along ever since my work travel started. Then the subject changed. 

He didnt speak to me much after the game either except to tell me how much it pissed him off that I told the other wife we werent getting along. I apologized for sharing with her and tried to open a dialogue with him about the "problem" and his only response was "we are getting along just fine". End of discussion. 

(These are similar things to the post I made back in June where he pulled the same stunt. Guess I still haven't figured out how to fix it.)

What am I supposed to do with that?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I can't stand sulky behavior, and after his 'tantrums' over those last two outings, there wouldn't be any others. It takes 2. If he would rather act like an ass than enjoy time together when you ARE together, then he can spend that time all by himself instead.

The more you cater to his sulking the worse he will get. It pissed him off you told the other wife the truth? He was pissed off the entire day even before you said a word to her. She noticed his azzolery too. He doesn't want to be talked about? then he should stay home.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

This sounds exactly like the post you started about going to the event you planned 6 weeks in advance, the one 3xnocharm referred to. Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive. Some people have referred to him a passive aggressive, but I think by ignoring you, refusing to discuss his issues and punishing you with the silent treatment is abusive.

The more time you are away from him, the more his behavior is going to become clear to you. This isn't anything new, he is just upping it so he can control your emotions when you are away on trips. I am sorry to say that I don't see this ending well for you as his true self becomes more apparent.

As for what you can do. I saw a counselor for a while. One of my complaints was that my H was gone all week and when he came home for the weekends, many times he would get pissed at me for some little stupid thing, sometimes I sware he would dream it up on the drive home, and he would give me the silent treatment. The counselors response was, "you go all week without him there to talk with and you do just fine". I thought, your right, I don't NEED him to talk with, let him pout. Worked great for me.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Just not what I wanted it to be like when we were reunited. I had visions of us running through a grassy field towards each other in slow motion - instead it's this!


I sympathize with everything you said, but at the same time, it sounds like you're saying "Why isn't my husband being awesome?" Most of us can't be awesome all the time, especially not when in a crappy situation, which, honestly, he was in. He knows he can't do anything about you travelling, but it really sucks for him, and he gets the short end of the stick while you're traveling for work. I'm not saying traveling for work is great either -- it can be really hard -- but it's honestly easier than working full-time while running a household. So I'm totally not surprised that he wasn't throwing roses at you when you came back, even though it sounds like he's going a little overboard in his reaction. Maybe if you opened things up by coming out and saying "it must have been difficult while I was gone," it would help. Your attitude sounds a little bit entitled. I hear a lot of "Why isn't my husband acting exactly the way I want him too" and not enough "how can I get to the bottom of this by working through it with HIM."


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JustHer said:


> This sounds exactly like the post you started about going to the event you planned 6 weeks in advance, the one 3xnocharm referred to. Your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive. Some people have referred to him a passive aggressive, but I think by ignoring you, refusing to discuss his issues and punishing you with the silent treatment is abusive.
> 
> The more time you are away from him, the more his behavior is going to become clear to you. This isn't anything new, he is just upping it so he can control your emotions when you are away on trips. I am sorry to say that I don't see this ending well for you as his true self becomes more apparent.
> 
> As for what you can do. I saw a counselor for a while. One of my complaints was that my H was gone all week and when he came home for the weekends, many times he would get pissed at me for some little stupid thing, sometimes I sware he would dream it up on the drive home, and he would give me the silent treatment. The counselors response was, "you go all week without him there to talk with and you do just fine". I thought, your right, I don't NEED him to talk with, let him pout. Worked great for me.


I just want to offer another perspective on this post. I can't really claim to know whether her husband is "emotionally abusive" in general or not, but I find that this sort of labeling tends to go along with entitlement and building a case against someone rather than trying to make things work. Yes, some people are unreachable, but we can't know whether that's the case about her husband. The husband obviously had a difficult time with a situation that is, in fact, very difficult. Now he's not handling it the best way that he could, admittedly. But I think he deserves some recognition here, and it sounds like the poster's expectations about how he would handle things were really unrealistic. Maybe there are problems on her side too. The solution is not an amen chorus but communication, and that may mean she has to prod him a little to get it started.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I just want to offer another perspective on this post. I can't really claim to know whether her husband is "emotionally abusive" in general or not, but I find that this sort of labeling tends to go along with entitlement and building a case against someone rather than trying to make things work. Yes, some people are unreachable, but we can't know whether that's the case about her husband. The husband obviously had a difficult time with a situation that is, in fact, very difficult. Now he's not handling it the best way that he could, admittedly. But I think he deserves some recognition here, and it sounds like the poster's expectations about how he would handle things were really unrealistic. Maybe there are problems on her side too. The solution is not an amen chorus but communication, and that may mean she has to prod him a little to get it started.



I would agree with you except this is the way he was before. It is not new behavior because she traveled for one week. This has been his MO for a long time now.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

kag123 said:


> He didnt speak to me much after the game either except to tell me how much it pissed him off that I told the other wife we werent getting along.



You should have just reminded him that the other people already noticed. There was no point in you denying the obvious. 



> _I apologized for sharing with her and tried to open a dialogue with him about the "problem" and his only response was "we are getting along just fine". End of discussion. _


Ask him: "why is it all our friends can see something is wrong but you can't?"

If nothing else, I think you have learned it's not a good idea to go out with him and other people when you two are fighting.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

you make the majority of the money
you travel and leave him with the kids
you prearrange the dinners at moms
you arrange the outings for the two of you when you are home
you tell us he is a grouch and then proceed to compare the time spent with your coworkers how their attitudes toward you are so much better than his, and the attitude of your H when you came home does not meet your needs.
You seem like a little bit of a control freak and your H seems to resent you for it IMO.
I know you may think you are being nice, but for most men it would be taking their man card away to be babied. You expect him to do all you want. Take care of the kids the house, skype at a certain time based on YOUR schedule. Reread what you wrote and pretend someone was making you do what you have him doing on their schedule and not yours.
I am not saying he is handling it well. I just hope you gain some perspective about his resentment of you. When was the last time you placed him first and not you?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I sympathize with everything you said, but at the same time, it sounds like you're saying "Why isn't my husband being awesome?" Most of us can't be awesome all the time, especially not when in a crappy situation, which, honestly, he was in. He knows he can't do anything about you travelling, but it really sucks for him, and he gets the short end of the stick while you're traveling for work. I'm not saying traveling for work is great either -- it can be really hard -- but it's honestly easier than working full-time while running a household. So I'm totally not surprised that he wasn't throwing roses at you when you came back, even though it sounds like he's going a little overboard in his reaction. Maybe if you opened things up by coming out and saying "it must have been difficult while I was gone," it would help. Your attitude sounds a little bit entitled. I hear a lot of "Why isn't my husband acting exactly the way I want him too" and not enough "how can I get to the bottom of this by working through it with HIM."


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

JustHer said:


> I would agree with you except this is the way he was before. It is not new behavior because she traveled for one week. This has been his MO for a long time now.


I hear this, but through her words I have to think it has been her way all the time prior to the new job. Just a guess but she really comes across as entitled.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Just wanted to pop in and clarify a couple of things, for whatever its worth. 

- My H works FT and is the breadwinner. Its about a 60/40 split with him being the 60. 

- My H works longer hours than I do on average, including activities after work like social events and networking stuff. So at least once a week, sometimes a few nights a week, I have the kids on my own up to bed time. I dont like being a single parent, cause yea, its a lot of work. But I do it often. I get it...not the same as many days in a row. But I dont think it warrants punishment bc I have to travel for work. (Or does it?). 

- This has been very eye opening for me. I didnt realize that keeping in touch while away was a bad thing. I didnt realize trying to have his mom help out and give him a break was a bad thing. Or skype dates (which I honestly cant just jump into at any moment due to the schedule I am on during travel, but they could be skipped altogether). Its funny because here I thought I was being helpful and nice and I guess it was really just all wrong! I am not being facetious - even if I sound evil here or self righteous I really do want to have a successful and happy marraige. 

As you can tell from this thread, H and I dont have much of an emotional connection anymore and I have largely coped by alternating between leaving him alone (as he seems to want via the attitude) and trying to convince myself that I dont NEED that in my marraige - to the polar opposite of trying to reach out, take an interest in his life, help out and try to make things easier for him (which I see is micromanaging based on an outsiders POV that I didnt notice before) in hopes he will respond. 

Neither solicit a response from him but I suppose the reaching out for a connection gets a more hostile reaction than just leaving him alone and not trying to talk at all.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

kag123, if I were you I would have done the same thing. I would have tried to arrange some help for my H while I was gone too. Not because he was incapable, but just to try to make it easier for him.

Here is an interesting article for you to read.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Is-the-Silent-Treatment-a-Case-of-Emotional-Abuse?&id=3661043


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

kag123 said:


> Neither solicit a response from him but I suppose the reaching out for a connection gets a more hostile reaction than just leaving him alone and not trying to talk at all.


Have you ever actually tried talking about these things with him in a direct, open, non-accusatory way though? Have you ever actually asked him if something's bothering him? I'm not saying all this is easy with him, but planning a trip to a baseball game, while a nice thing of you to do, is not going to make up for a lack of communication. 

From what you're saying, yes, it sounds like he's being a jerk. But that's only half the story. When I read between the lines of your posts, I also hear a lot of the attitude of "Why isn't my husband acting the way I think husbands are supposed to act? Why aren't things exactly the way they are supposed to be? Why wasn't he excited to skype with me after a long day of work followed by solo childcare? Why aren't my expectations being met?" The comment about picturing him running through a field to see you was telling to me -- that's a fantasy. Your husband is a real person with flaws, not a product from husbands.com. 

Your husband obviously has some resentment, and it's probably larger than just the travel. Maybe it's a male ego thing -- "I make most of the money and I still have to play single parent while my wife travels." Maybe he's unhappy with his life. I don't know. But you have to find a way to communicate with him. Read one of those books about marital communication, and try different techniques. You married this guy and had kids with him to begin with -- wasn't there some reason for that? Wasn't there something that attracted you to him, that made you want to be around him? 

I find it hard to believe that you're just now realizing that he's a grouch. Maybe the thrill of work travel got to you and you're feeling a little longing for freedom. Maybe there was an interesting guy on your trip that made you feel like you were missing out on something. I can't know. But whenever I read these stories where people come here and start talking about how bad their spouse is (unless it's like real abuse), I usually have an feeling that there's more to the story.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think your H resents the relative freedom you have when you go off on work trips. He feels that he is stuck at home as the primary person for the kids and you can just 'do what you want.' You can go to bed without worrying about the kids; you can go out to dinner with your colleagues; you can sit in peace and read if you have a few minutes. 

It doesn't matter that you work hard and long hours. It's really the perception of personal freedom that is important. When you are away, he doesn't have it and you do. If you get self-righteous about how much you work and how hard you are trying, you will just fuel his fire because he will believe that you just don't get it. 

He doesn't think it's fair that you get to fly off on your own on a regular basis and he has to be anchored at home with the kids. Again, it doesn't matter that he works and has daycare; he still feels chained to the home as the primary responsible person & he doesn't like the disparity. He also doesn't like that you come home all sunny and positive after he's had what he considers a week of drudgery, so your attempt to be cheerful just rubs it in for him.

There are many ways to approach the differences in the perception of personal freedom. One way is to give him equal time to be the secondary responsible person (don't know if you do that now).

My H has traveled for work for over 30 years & I was perpetually p!ssed off when our children were young. I had my own career and we had daycare, but I still resented the fact that he could so often just get away from the day-to-day cr*p at home. We worked things out by talking a lot and trying different things to balance the scales. You two certainly at least need to talk honestly with one another.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP
just to clarify, you mention at beginning of thread that while on travel you work long days, "then we go out for dinner and drinks afterward but nothing inappropriate, just business talk". Is the "we" a group of three or more people?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What is wrong with you guys? Her h wouldn't even talk to her when she skyped him on day one. He left the kids to talk to her. He sat there like a pouting child when she came in the house, didn't even giver her a kiss hello, heck, he couldn't even get his ars off the couch. This was her first business trip. If this was the other way around and it was a man that had been gone and his wife acted this way you would be calling her all sorts of names.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Why are people dismissing his incredibly pathetic and immature sulky behaviour.
So childish and sulky that friends pull her aside to ask " what the problem is???"

He is behaving terribly. If this was a woman doing this while hubby was away all week you men would jump on it... rather than defend it. After being away all week, for work, she has come home to punishment... she doesn't deserve it!

But hubby is given a free pass for his bad behaviour?

Kag I feel you really need to pull him up on this..... you not misbehaving or doing anything 'anti marriage'. Your working and trying to balance home life....like men have done for many years.

A really tough thing to manage.

It really helps if the one at home isn't hissing, spitting or sulking.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update to my work travel - not going well.*



nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> just to clarify, you mention at beginning of thread that while on travel you work long days, "then we go out for dinner and drinks afterward but nothing inappropriate, just business talk". Is the "we" a group of three or more people?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update to my work travel - not going well.*

We = myself and two of my female employees. It just so happened to work out that our travel group will be all female. I am the lead on these trips taking various employees with me to each city, but by nature I travel to all of the locations. 

And dinner and drinks = pulling into the closest restaurant to wherever we happened to finish working that day, exhausted, ordering food and two beers which are largely consumed in silence or talking about work plans for the next day then going back to the hotel to crash. Its no kind of party situation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your husband is passive agressive He is afraid to assert himself. So you are confused. You are made to "think" he is OK with things since he avoids conflict with you and telling you what he thinks and feels, but the confusion comes in becuase his actions don't match his words.

Now, your husband IS trying to communcate something to you. And that is is he is not high enough on your priority list. The set up of your marriage is Work / Kids / Cramming Activities into Weekens / Marriage. He is telling you in his own passive aggressive way that he wants it to be Marriage / Kids / Work / Activities.

To deal with the situation at hand with your husband sulking, I would probably say the following. "Husband, I married a man, not a women. Women want men to "guess" what they are feeling. I don't want that. I want you to be man and tell me what is on your mind. If there is nothing on your mind I expect then full and willing participation in your marriage with a positive attitude".

And then if he repeats that there is "nothng wrong", then you have to call him out on it. Husband, this is not how "nothing wrong" looks.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Hicks said:


> To deal with the situation at hand with your husband sulking, I would probably say the following. "Husband, I married a man, not a women. Women want men to "guess" what they are feeling. I don't want that. I want you to be man and tell me what is on your mind. If there is nothing on your mind I expect then full and willing participation in your marriage with a positive attitude".
> 
> And then if he repeats that there is "nothng wrong", then you have to call him out on it. Husband, this is not how "nothing wrong" looks.


Won't work, been there done that. He gets off on knowing his silent treatment is tormenting her. He may not know that this is why he is doing it, he may be telling himself something different, but nevertheless, it pleases him.

keg, read the article I sent you in my other post.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Hold on a second here, I don't see anyone giving the husband a "free pass" for his behavior. But the husband isn't the one coming her for advice. What do people really want out of marital advice -- do they want confirmation and applause "Yeah, your husband is a jerk! You go!" or do they want to figure out how to deal with the situation. The husband IS being a jerk, yes. But are we talking about an unsalvageable, abusive relationship here? I can't know that for sure. But as long as that's not the case, what's the goal? To feel vindicated and "right" or to look for solutions? That's the guy she's married to. He's passive aggressive and not asserting himself. That's her husband. She doesn't get a different husband just because some people on the internet say she's right. She has to deal with the husband she has, unless she decides to leave. 

Of course the wife has a right to feel upset that the husband barely gave her the time of day when she called. But the husband also has the right to feel exhausted and unhappy about the travel situation, even if there's nothing that can change it. I think a lot of couples miss this, especially with two hardworking parents -- just because YOU had a hard day doesn't mean you're entitled to the other person, who also had a hard day (maybe even harder), being cheerful and bright. The husband is in the wrong here, yes. But what is to be done about it? Berating him for sulking isn't going to get anywhere - he'll only feel more entrenched in feeling like the whole work travel situation is giving him the short end of the stick.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

kag123 said:


> We = myself and two of my female employees. It just so happened to work out that our travel group will be all female. I am the lead on these trips taking various employees with me to each city, but by nature I travel to all of the locations.
> 
> And dinner and drinks = pulling into the closest restaurant to wherever we happened to finish working that day, exhausted, ordering food and two beers which are largely consumed in silence or talking about work plans for the next day then going back to the hotel to crash. Its no kind of party situation.


OK. well consistent coldness, rudeness, lack of communication from him can't continue indefinately - fopr your sake, sake of your family and marriage. keep at him consistently to either open up and talk to you on what's bothering him, get treatment for himself if he's depressed or sad, or agree to MC for both of you.

if persistence doesn't give results, then I think you need to escalate your rhetoric in small increments toward a word like "separation", for example. so I do buy into the 'wake him up' idea that others here have mentioned. If word like that doesn't bring him around at leats partly - well - for now better to cross that bridge when you come to it..........


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## jojo717 (Dec 17, 2013)

my wife has travelled for work for 19 years-I don't travel for work at all having only gone on 4-5 training trips over the course of the same 19 years (none to any locations anyone would choose to go to, lol)

it is always awesome locations and although I know it is hard work and running all day long there is quite a bit of good times thrown in (honestly a business dinner in nyc at an awesome restaurant and then returning to a nicer hotel than we ever stay in w/out kids, housework, and the same old, same old doesn't sound too bad to me at all)

for most of the 19 years it was probably 4-5 trips/year at mostly 2-3 nights/trip

from 2011-13 she chose to approximately double her business trips for things that were non-essential and in some cases nothing but a vacation paid for by a vendor 

on top of this during this time she also took 3-4 personal trips 

at one point in 2012 she was gone for I think 28 out of 50 days in one stretch

throughout our marriage she has resisted using my parents to watch our kids and we've only had no-kids overnights 7 times in the past 13 years

it has become a major issue for me

it is tearing us apart






husband's behavior isn't appropriate but I've been there...for the past 3 years I've been there and can't control it



I want our marriage to come first and it hasn't EVER done that and it doesn't seem that my wife wants it to


it sounds like this is what OP's poster is feeling


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

jojo717 said:


> my wife has travelled for work for 19 years-I don't travel for work at all having only gone on 4-5 training trips over the course of the same 19 years (none to any locations anyone would choose to go to, lol)
> 
> it is always awesome locations and although I know it is hard work and running all day long there is quite a bit of good times thrown in (honestly a business dinner in nyc at an awesome restaurant and then returning to a nicer hotel than we ever stay in w/out kids, housework, and the same old, same old doesn't sound too bad to me at all)
> 
> ...


I've never understood how any person could prioritize work over family. What a wasted life that leads to.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zombie thread....


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Zombie thread....


Dang I hate when that happens!


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