# I don't know what to do



## cobol (Jan 14, 2010)

Hi all. This is my first actual posting. I'll just start at the beginning.

I'm on the (ahem, "downhill side of") my mid-30s, and divorced once and remarried already. 

My first wife and I were married 7 years from 1996 - 2003. I work a lot of long hours at my job, and in 2000 I was working over 100 hours a week at some points for several months that year and my 1st wife started having an affair. We were getting a divorce but the church intervened and we decided to work it out, but in 2003 I found her having another affair and we divorced, and I had a falling out with the church because of that, but after the 2nd affair, I didn't care anymore.


I remarried a year later in Q4 of 2004 and have been married since then. We have a 4 year old child. My wife is 30 years old today, and was 24 when we married in 2004.


My wife has some health issues, which have been getting progressively worse, so we decided to try and have a baby back in 2005 when she was just recently diagnosed - both because we realized her health wasn't the greatest, and because I wasn't getting any younger, and it would be tougher if we waited. We were successful in getting pregnant and having our child. After the pregnancy, my wife had to get a complete hysterectomy due to tumors around her fallopian tubes (which turned out to be benign), but she's been having hormone issues since the hysterectomy in 2006.


At present, my wife will not kiss me, she has an ever-worsening phobia of germs, and detests anything to do with bodiliy fluids (hers, mine, or anyone else's). When we met and when we were first dating, we would go out quite often, scuba diving, weekend trips, back-country hiking/camping, etc., and there were none of the phobias or aversions to physical contact or intimacy like we have now.


This has all gotten progressively worse during the course of the last several years. When we were dating and the first few months we were married everything was fine, but she's become more and more reclusive and phobic of general contact. We've gone to counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists and she freely admits she has changed since we were dating, and has been diagnosed with clinical obsessive compulsive disorder regarding the germs issue. She refuses to have anything to do with any form of intimacy in the relationship, even after counseling and psychiatric medications. That makes things somewhat tedious on me since I hadn't planned on my marriage turning into basically an oath of celibacy.


Also, during the last 5 years she's been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and RSD (reflex sympathetic dystrophy), as well as skeletal deterioration, specifically in her spine, shoulders, and hips, so as of 2010, she's barely able to stand for 10 - 15 minutes at a time without being in a great deal of pain, she can't sleep on a normal bed, so I bought her a special bed to sleep in, and she's able to find some relief in it. She was able to continue working up until Q1 2009, when her pain and illnesses basically overcome her ability to sit at a desk all day and she had to quit work on doctor's orders. 


Due to her RSD, she's been slowly losing function in her hands, and with her spine and skeletal issues, it hurts her a great deal to basically anything around the house, from housework to tending to our child. It really hurts my wife emotionally that she's unable to lift or really bend down to hold our child. About the only thing they can do is lay in bed together while I'm at work and watch cartoons on TV for our pre-schooler. My wife's been trying to teach the alphabet or numbers, counting, coloring, from the bed during the day too.


We've applied for disability starting Q2 of 2009, but so far all we get are letters telling us they're still reviewing the case, and they're pushing their review out another 30 days. And then about 30 days later, we get another of the same letters, stating they're pushing it out yet again. So for the last year, I've been the sole income of the household. I work right now approximately 11 - 13 hours a day, and due to the nature of my job, I'm on-call 24/7. I make an income sufficient that I can pay the bills, but it does take it's toll, especially with my wife racking up around two-thousand dollars a month in medical bills, after insurance. She has a whole team of doctors she sees, including chiropractors, psychiatrists, and a few other specialists. We very seldom argue, but if we argue about anything, it's generally because I have trouble coming to terms with the constant medical bills.


I really don't know what to do at this point. My wife and I have -maybe- had intercourse once per year for the past 3 years, and even on those times I feel like it was just going through the motions. And the whole thing leaves me feeling bad about it on those times we do. I don't want to cause her anymore pain, and she's not interested anyway - so even those times we have, neither of us get any enjoyment from it. It's just an exercise in futility for me. She vehemently detests anything regarding oral, whether giving or receiving, so that's out of the question. And as mentioned, I can't even get her to kiss me. Occasionally we do hug however.


I get a lot of my own emotional attachment from the intimacy, and with the status quo, I can feel myself basically losing any emotional attachment in my marriage. I feel more like I work 13 hours a day, just so I can come home and wash clothes, or wash dishes, or do whatever needs doing around the house because my wife's just unable to do it. She has trouble with her hands, and just lacks the strength or endurance anymore to do even simple things like vacuuming or sweeping the floor without being in pain for days afterwards because of it. I work, I pay all the bills, and then I come home and tend to a wife and pre-school child, every day.


My wife can't go on vacations anymore, she can't even drive 20 minutes away from the house, because 15 - 20 minutes riding in a car is about all she can stand anymore.


At this point we've relocated away from both our families. Two years ago when my wife's health started really going downhill, we looked all over the country for the best docs and medical teams we could find for her fibromyalgia and other health issues, and we moved. I sold everything I'd worked for and had, left all our family, and moved out here on our own to start over in a town where she could get the care she needed, but it hasn't helped, she just continues to worsen.


The other day my wife suggested a divorce so I could at least have a sex-life again, but when it all comes down to it, I'm not sure I really want a divorce. I've already given up a great job I had for several years in our old hometown, moved and restarted in a new area, took another job, bought another house - basically given up everything I had before we met trying to see to it she and our child were provided for. I feel like if we divorced, then I would consider it a failure on my part, and I don't want to fail, not after sacrificing so much already in my own life to tend to her.


I recommended instead of a divorce, I could just get a mistress or we could just be separated, or something, but she didn't like those ideas. If we get a divorce, at this point she won't have any medical care, she won't have anywhere to go, and then there's still the issue of she has no means of supporting herself, so to me, that's not a solution. I don't want to get divorced, but after 4 years of almost zero romance, or basic human contact, I don't like the situation I'm in. I just feel trapped. And the other side of the whole mess, I'm sure if we did get a divorce, I'd look (and feel) absolutely rotten about it, and very likely any courtroom in the nation would shred me alive for leaving the relationship at this point. It's to a point that I just feel trapped - like a big "bait and switch" plan, that I fell into. I almost wish I'd never met her in the first place, but then I'm proud that we have our child. And we both love and want to make sure our child is taken care of and has the best we can provide for her while she's growing.


It's not that I don't love my wife, or notice the things she does. Every evening when I come home from work she has something to eat ready for me. And given her condition, and how much it hurts her to use her hands, just that little bit means a lot to me. And she's good with our child. She does what she can, it's not that she's not helping, she just can't. As to the phobias and aversions, those are probably what hurt me the most emotionally. I have a lot of trouble coping with the idea of she used to be able to kiss me, or do other things, without any problem, and now she just won't. I don't know how to deal with it. As to the marriage itself, I've been true to her, and continue to be, and I don't have any doubt she's being true to me. So I'm not worried about any cheating - and that's not my thing. I just feel more like a servant and less like a husband. I work 60+ hours a week, and then feel like I'm doing everything at home, and I get a little jaded I guess. I don't like the situation, but I don't know how to keep coping.


This is my second marriage. I've read all the numbers about how the 2nd, and each progressive marriage is more likely to fail, and I don't want to be a statistic.


Thanks for letting me vent.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry honey. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I just wanted you to know that I read it, and that I can see the hurt you are going through. Hopefully one of these nice people will come in here with some awesome advice to help you out. Best of luck in all of this


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cobol said:


> This is my second marriage. I've read all the numbers about how the 2nd, and each progressive marriage is more likely to fail, and I don't want to be a statistic.


For what it's worth, these are issues that couples married for 50 years are usually facing. One partner slowly dying, and the initimacy failing and the other partner having to carry the load.

I cannot think of you as a statistic. Merely very unlucky. You have touch choices and a difficult time ahead of you. I can only wish you well and nod with understanding at whatever decision you make. You are a good man, better than most.


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## cobol (Jan 14, 2010)

Well, probably more than anything at this point I believe our child should have two parents growing up. I've been thinking I could just tolerate everything for the next 14 or so years so my child would have a stable childhood. That's important to me. Probably moreso than my own happiness at this point. And I was thinking maybe somewhere along the way in those 14 years I'd quit feeling like I was missing out so much on the physical side of things. I understand what you're saying about couples married 50+ years - this just wasn't what I had in mind for what I'm guessing are the rest of the better years of my life. And most of those who have the 50+ years, have generations worth of memories doing things together, sharing life and experiences, and being a team. For me, it's like everything started snowballing downhill within a few months of our marriage.

I made a vow, for better or worse, sickness or health, and I try very hard to keep my word when I give it. Sometimes I try to look at it as this is a task God has given me, and I don't know all the why's, but if this is where God has put me in life, then I'll try and do my best with that task.

But other times I get down and I start to doubt things, and lately sometimes even my own faith I guess. Lots of "what if's" floating around out there regarding theology. I was raised believing in God though, and that He has a reason for everything, and it's tough for me to walk away from that. So I just try and trust Him.

Still, it's tough to say I'm happy right now the way things are.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

cobol said:


> I made a vow, for better or worse, sickness or health, and I try very hard to keep my word when I give it. Sometimes I try to look at it as this is a task God has given me, and I don't know all the why's, but if this is where God has put me in life, then I'll try and do my best with that task.


This is going to sound deeply cynical, but your vows actually mean nothing. You can say beautiful traditional vows, no vows at all, or recite Puff The Magic Dragon as vows, and you're married just the same. The actual agreement you have made is the agreement as defined by the Marriage Law of the State you filed in.

Many of the most deeply hurt people on this board are those that "believed in the vows" and relied on them on faith, and discovered to their horror that their actual legal agreement included a no fault divorce option. Then their partner wanted out and just decided to call it quits rather than work on the marriage. That's sadly the actual agreement made in marriage. It's perfectly legal as well.

She has already offered divorce, you're suggesting a mistress, already the "vows" are creaking under the strain. There is love there to be sure, but perhaps too much pain to last a lifetime together.

Talk with her. Sick wives do not offer divorce to their husbands on a whim. She lives in pain. Perhaps she cannot also bear your pain at what was lost as well. I think she wishes to sacrifice herself to some degree to ensure her son gets a better life. You and a stepmother may be better for him, than you and her.

This is a very sad thread. Simply awful issues to contend with. Well beyond the norm. As I said earlier, you have my good feelings towards you for whatever you decide.


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## cobol (Jan 14, 2010)

Well, her idea was to keep our child and move back with her parents. Again where there's no decent medical facilities for her (but that'd be her call) ... but, that's her moving back to where I've already picked up, left my job, sold my home (which I had for years before we married) and over 100 acres of land to move up here and start over. I gave up everything I'd worked for to relocate for her.

So her plan, if she leaves, is to take our child about halfway across the country, and I'm not keen on that one. As to the mistress - I saw it as an alternative, not cheating or sneaking around or anything, just meeting needs.

From what I can gather, the best situation would be to run off and become a mormon and pick up a spare wife. (joking - trying to be somewhat lighthearted there ... she and I watched a show on TV about them the other night).


The single biggest lynchpin in the whole thing to me is our child. I don't want to be a broken family, and I want our child to have both parents. My wife's made the statement on several occasions if she knew she was going to be like this, she'd have never gotten married to anyone. And for my part, I should have probably called it quits on marriage after my first divorce if I'd had any sense myself.

If I could keep our child, that may not be so bad, and I figure if it goes to court I should have a pretty good chance of keeping our child, especially seeing my wife can't even support herself, but given that I don't want to remarry - I don't think it would be fair to our child to not have her mother around, and I can't get around thinking I'm just being selfish about the whole thing.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's only selfish in the sense that you have real needs yourself and the current situation isn't able to really meet them. Keep talking with her. There is love, but everything seems awesomely difficult as well.


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## cobol (Jan 14, 2010)

We've been to counseling 3 different times off and on during our marriage. Mostly it's about the same stuff every time. Same stuff I've detailed here. Wife admits she doesn't want or feel like intimacy, and vehemently rejects any form of alternatives. She says she can't get over the idea of germs or saliva - and most times she'll visibly cringe or shudder when discussing it.

Aside from the physical aspects though, our marriage is a good one. We get along, and so far I've been able to keep the bills paid. I work so much that vacations and holidays and such aren't really much of an issue, since my wife can't go anywhere anyway. When I do take vacations, it's mostly to catch up on general maintenance at home.

Our marriage right now to me, feels more like two friends living together and raising a child vs. a married couple. And my wife knows I feel that way - I've shared it with her, and at counseling with both of us present. She's broken down a few times at counseling over kissing me because she says she just can't do it. 

To me it seems like a fairly simple task.


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