# Sexless marriage.



## Anon-Toronto (Apr 27, 2014)

I have been together with my significant other for 11 years 6 of them as a married couple, she has never had a high sex drive since we met but over the years the desire of intercourse has depleted dramatically to the point that it's been at least a year since we were together. she is still despite all a loving wife and we have no other issues. but I am a person with a very high sex drive if It was up to me I would love to have sex on daily basis of more often. and this is killing me.

though out the years I have been patient and faithful but I don't know if can keep this up. Im 31 years old and I dont want the best days of my live to be spent living like Im a priest 

we have a son and in any other aspect we have a very healthy family.

*so I don't know what do to now. see other women and risk my marriage? or keep this up and go insane?*

talking about this with her and doing something about it its a ship that has long sailed away. bottom line is that she doesn't desire sex and has no interest in doing something about it.

any comments would be appreciated. 
thx.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She has to understand how important sex is to you, how the lack is slowly destroying your relationship, and decide for herself to make a sincere and lasting effort to change herself. If she does not, she risks losing you.

I'd suggest marriage counselling as a first step, or perhaps a few individual sessions to discuss your situation and how best to approach asking for changes.

If she truly decides to change and keeps at it, you may reach an acceptable compromise. However, it seems that - based on personal experience and the many, many people posting here with the same problem - it is rare to see significant improvement other than temporarily. Unless there is an underlying medical or psychological reason for her low drive, she may just be this way naturally, and both unwilling and unable to change it. This is the likeliest scenario, IMO, so you have to decide what you will do if there is no change for the better. In my case, I decided - after far too many years of fruitless effort - to divorce my ex and find someone who has a matching libido.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How is it loving to not fulfill your promises, to deliberately and intentionally deprive your mate of basic human needs? Sounds pretty evil to me. If you saw a well fed mother with a starving child and her child was starving simply because mom didn't feel like feeding it, would you call her a "loving" mother? Nope, you'd call her the felon that she was. You'd call 911 and have the heifer arrested and imprisoned and you'd try to rescue the VICTIM infant. What is the difference? 
A baby can't feed itself. You can't go outside the marriage to have your very reasonable and very human needs met. The first step to getting this crap to stop is for you to quit sugar-coating it and start recognizing it as the abuse, fraud,and exploitation that it is. You are being victimized because you tolerate it. You have actually become a co-conspirator for your own abuse.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Not getting much action of late Un?



QUOTE=unbelievable;8445802]How is it loving to not fulfill your promises, to deliberately and intentionally deprive your mate of basic human needs? Sounds pretty evil to me. If you saw a well fed mother with a starving child and her child was starving simply because mom didn't feel like feeding it, would you call her a "loving" mother? Nope, you'd call her the felon that she was. You'd call 911 and have the heifer arrested and imprisoned and you'd try to rescue the VICTIM infant. What is the difference? 
A baby can't feed itself. You can't go outside the marriage to have your very reasonable and very human needs met. The first step to getting this crap to stop is for you to quit sugar-coating it and start recognizing it as the abuse, fraud,and exploitation that it is. You are being victimized because you tolerate it. You have actually become a co-conspirator for your own abuse.[/QUOTE]


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

Anon-Toronto said:


> *so I don't know what do to now. see other women and risk my marriage? or keep this up and go insane?*


How old is your child?

If she doesn't desire you sexually, is she still possessive of you sexually? (Sounds like it).


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Dont let your 30s be the last years of sex
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

As MbH has said, there are many of us on here in the same boat.

Clearly, if you haven't done so already, is to speak to your wife and get her to understand your needs. You also need to understand that her sexual need is alot lower than yours. If you BOTH accept there is a problem and you BOTH decide you want to 'repair' things then that is a good start!

Where to go thereafter? Well, I'd suggest you rule out any medical issues then move to a counsellor. This should certainly include private one on one sessions and some joint sessions....and see how it goes.

However if your wife simply refuses to accept there is an issue or does but won't try to meet you half way (if she does try you have to be positive and supporting) then I'm afraid you have some very serious thinking to do.

Many of us on here in teh same situation opt to stay, for now atleast, for the sake of the children.

Please try to do something to sort this out because if you don't you will start to resent your wife and drift away from her because physical intimacy means so much to we guys....


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Anon-Toronto said:


> bottom line is that she doesn't desire sex and has no interest in doing something about it.


Then you need to tell her that the bottom line is there is no marriage left to save, whether you have one child or six.

Sex is what differentiates a marriage from any other personal relationship. If she's not willing to address that it is as much of a priority as communication, respect, affection, then she's broken her vows. Part of being a responsible parent is taking care of your marriage. 

Cheating is not the answer....it takes two to keep a marriage AND FAMILY going and if she will not work on it then you need to discuss how to amicably split and keep parenting your son. So I would suggest looking at counselling to address the sexless marriage....if she's not willing then sadly you either are confined to living the rest of your life sexless, in an open marriage (consensual on both parts), or ending the marriage.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I don't get the comment I hear repeatedly that sex is the only thing that makes a marriage different then other relationships :scratchhead: Yes, intimacy is huge in marriage and sex is one of the things that creates intimacy but LDs do not see there marriage as any less than other peoples marriage just because it lacks sex. 2 LD people can have a very fulfilling marriage with little to no sex. Not seeing that is gonna cause more harm than good. That said sex is very important to some of our needs.

OP. I would advise getting the book The Sex Starved Marriage and seeing if she will read it with you. She does an excellent job helping both sides see the others side. She has helped many couples find there way back to a healthy compromise. And I wouldn't take advice of how to fix it from those who still aren't getting any, cause if they had answers..........


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

They may not see it as less, but it is. Everything they have you can get from a friend. Why bother being financially tied to a friend for life? Sorry they're just not equal. 

OP, you say you're high drive but tbh I don't believe you. You're mid to low at best. A true HD would not go a year without issuing an ultimatum or leaving.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

the2ofus said:


> 2 LD people can have a very fulfilling marriage with little to no sex.


If they happen to be married to each other....usually this isn't the case


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> They may not see it as less, but it is. Everything they have you can get from a friend. Why bother being financially tied to a friend for life? Sorry they're just not equal.
> 
> OP, you say you're high drive but tbh I don't believe you. You're mid to low at best. A true HD would not go a year without issuing an ultimatum or leaving.


:iagree:

I'm HD, my wife is inbetween. After our son was born, and the drs said it was safe again, all her hormones were messed up (with the nursing and birth control) so she turned into LD. God bless her for bearing with me, but I needed it at LEAST once a week. From time to time I went two weeks, but if it got past that I go CRAZY. If she tried to go even a month, I would probably pack my bags.

Edit: It probably just feels like your HD because you haven't had sex in a year. What changed? Any idea why she used to be more available for you? Are you both in good shape and healthy?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

intheory said:


> " . . .she has never had a high sex drive since we met . . . . . but I am a person with a very high sex drive if It was up to me I would love to have sex on daily basis of more often. and this is killing me."
> *************
> 
> So, why did you get married in the first place? I am curious. If you discovered she didn't have much of a sex life when you first met, and you know sex is very important to you---why get married to this person, whom you are incompatible with in such a crucial area?


That's an interesting question!?! It one thing dealing with it after you're married but why would you intentionally enter into a difficult situation. I think when people are looking at marriage they also need to consider that fluctuations WILL happen.


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## Anon-Toronto (Apr 27, 2014)

thank you very much for all your comments its great having so many people express their ideas specially when everybody sees thins differently. as for the questions asked....

my son is 5 yrs old and very close/attached to me.

I married her because I was in love and sex was much better when we dated at the time we had sex every 2 weeks or so and I was ok with it even if it wasn't perfect for me. 

and the biggest issue for me with all this is..... I do not get pleasure from having some one have sex with me against their will, I could give her ultimatums and threaten about things but honestly ?... I would rather not have sex with her if at the end of the day I feel like I'm almost raping my own wife....

I don't know if you could understand that... but for me most of the joy of sex is 2 people wanting to be posses by the other.

and yes as some suggested having a son also makes you put up with odds I'm sure that if I didn't have my son I would not even try to fix anything but also as I mention before we are despite all a loving family.

she at some point also visited the gynaecologist and he wouldn't prescribe anything according to him its all in her mind and that she was waaaay to young to give her medicine for that.


again thank you for all your comments


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I would suggest she see another doctor, preferably one who specializes in bioidentical hormones not that she has to go with the the HRT route but the doctor will be more likely to do a full panel of labs for hormones. Progesterone often sinks in perimenopause or even earlier for some women, progesterone makes a huge difference in libido. So if she has no bonding need and that was low, there's no desire.

I do understand where you are coming from my husbands libido was sunk by low T levels and I wanted him to want me. At some point I came to realize that him desiring to pleasure me even though his body wasn't horney was an incredibly loving thing. That helped me tremendously.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

So, what happens when your son is grown and it's just you and the Ice Princess? Why are you content with being deprived and disrespected? If you weren't planning on being a complete, valued, respected human being in this life, when were you? 

Your son will be a man some day. If he hooks up with a woman who would rather have a root canal than be intimate with him, what would you advise your boy? Is it your wish for him to go through life not knowing what being desired feels like? Would you wish for him to waste decades of his irreplaceable life on a woman who makes him feel inadequate, undesirable, unimportant, devalued, and dehumanized?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Ask her to help you figure out the sex thing. Ask her straight up if she knows why she's lost interest. If there are hormonal problems, medical problems, resentment/anger issues, or attraction concerns you should be working together as a team to resolve them.

If she steadfastly refuses, you need to examine your options. And by options, I do not mean cheating. That will hurt everybody including you. At some point it will become obvious to her that she is helping choose how her marriage turns out -- for better or for worse -- provided, of course, you are keeping her informed of your feelings and where you're at emotionally. 

Good luck
-seahorse


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Anon-Toronto said:


> I married her because I was in love and sex was much better when we dated at the time *we had sex every 2 weeks or so and I was ok with it* even if it wasn't perfect for me.


Anon-Toronto, I don't think "High Drive' means what you think it does. If you were in your twenties and okay with getting it once every 2 weeks from your partner, well, that's not what many people would call a high sex drive.

Let's see, what else.....

Don't cheat. If it gets to the point that you absolutely positively need your 6-month or so sexual encounter and you can't do it with your wife without feeling like you're molesting her, divorce her and find somebody willing to get it on once a month or so.

I think your best bet is talking to her and explaining that having willing enthusiastic sex once a season or so is important to you and you'd really like it if she helped you out. I'm not optimistic that she'll come around, but you've accepted this frequency of contact for so long that she'll probably look at you funny.

If talking doesn't work, see about professional counseling.

I hope you have lots of patience.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There many sexless marriage threads on TAM. Read 'em and weep.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hi Anon-Toronto,



Anon-Toronto said:


> I have been together with my significant other for 11 years 6 of them as a married couple, she has never had a high sex drive since we met but over the years the desire of intercourse has depleted dramatically… I am a person with a very high sex drive if It was up to me I would love to have sex on daily basis of more often. and this is killing me. .


I am sorry you have chosen an incompatible sexual relationship, the sense of rejection that you must feel along with the probably concurrent sense of harassment your wife must feel to provide you with more sex can’t be fun for either of you. 



Anon-Toronto said:


> though out the years I have been patient and faithful but I don't know if can keep this up. Im 31 years old and I dont want the best days of my live to be spent living like Im a priest.


if you have both chosen to be together in a monogamous relationship, I think it’s terrific that you have chosen to be patient and faithful to your wife through the life of your partnership. Likewise I appreciate your not unreasonable desire to not want to live like a priest.



Anon-Toronto said:


> *so I don't know what do to now. see other women and risk my marriage? or keep this up and go insane?*


Since you are now considering cheating on your wife, it is clear you are no longer in love with her. I do ask why you would have any concern for your marriage? When concern for your wife has apparently departed.

A moral man would either leave their wife and dissolve their marriage. Or reach agreement with the wife on having an open relationship, if they are sexually incompatible together and unwilling to compromise in meeting each others sexual desires.

Alternatively an immoral man would cheat on their partner, while usually claiming that their sordid behaviour is not their responsibility but their victim partner’s fault.

I do hope you choose not to cheat and are compassionate and honest enough to either reach agreement on an open marriage with your wife. Or will alternatively end your relationship before you seek satisfaction elsewhere without the mutual consent of your wife.



Anon-Toronto said:


> talking about this with her and doing something about it its a ship that has long sailed away. bottom line is that she doesn't desire sex and has no interest in doing something about it.


Well if this is irreconcilable, there’s nothing you can do to salvage the relationship.

It really is quite simple, if you are in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship/marriage and despite the best of efforts can’t reconcile that relationship satisfactorily you should end that relationship. If your sexual relationship with your wife is at an end, I hope you are both successful in moving on and will have better relations with more compatible partners.

Best.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, if it were me, i would go bonkers after just one month.

You have to sit her down and explain that the marriage is about to end. 

About the only two things left to try are
1) some SERIOUS intervention on your wife by a sex therapist
or
2) you get a hall pass from her to screw whomever you wish.

Since either of those are looking unlikely, it looks like divorce is your only option


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## jdoe (Apr 22, 2014)

Anon-Toronto said:


> for me most of the joy of sex is 2 people wanting to be posses by the other.


I bet she thinks of sex that way too. The problem is, she no longer wants you, because she already has you. 

You cannot desire what you already have. That's what the popular psychologist Esther Perel says, and I think she's right in many (most?) cases.


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