# Supposed to be getting married in a few months Fiancee goasting me?



## Fem_Lindsey

So my fiancee and I have been in a relationship for 4 years and engaged for about six months now. Well, we are two months out from being married and the past week it is like something has just clicked and has been ignoring me. We own our own home but he just didn't come home one night and has been staying with his best friend. Won't answer my Calls or texts and when I go over to the friend's house to see him and try and find out what in the hell has been going on he won't talk to me and the friend just sends me away and says he is alright and just doesn't want to talk. How do we go from such an incredibly close relationship and about to spend the rest of our lives togeather to him just cutting contact with me two months before our wedding? I don't even know what to do if he won't talk to me and I don't know what I did wrong and its just ****ing with me. Go from crying to being angry to just plain confused. How can a guy do this to another person? I just wish I knew what I did and Just wish he would talk to me and wish he understood how badly this is screwing with me emotionally. I just don't know what to do, I go over every day after work to see if he will finally talk to me and nada, I even text him and just get silence back. This is truly disheartening and breaking my heart.


----------



## Andy1001

You need to cancel the wedding to start with and try and get as much money back as you can.Your fiancé has gotten cold feet and while this is not unheard of the ignoring part is very worrying.He sounds very immature and this may be a sign of how things would have been in the future.
Could there be anyone else on the scene?


----------



## Meloetta

Oh wow... That's absolutely horrible. I'm so very sorry that he's chosen to do this to you... I agree with Andy... You gotta get things canceled ASAP. I know a lot of stuff isn't refundable though... Especially wedding dresses after they're altered. :/

If I were in your shoes, I'd honestly feel very strongly in thinking there might be "someone else". :/ whether or not he's got cold feet, something ain't adding up there. I feel like even if he got cold feet, he'd have spoken to you about it by now. Running and hiding at a friend's house and avoiding you like the plague makes no sense... he should have been able to figure out how to approach you by now if that's all it was. It's been days (according to your post). 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator

*I'm so sorry, m'dear, but I do not sense very good vibes about this situation.

One reliable indicator is that if he treats you this way in the state of engagement, he'll do far worse in the matrimonial state!

Please get with a good lawyer ASAP to discuss your property rights and getting your share of the money back! Due notice of that will most definitely get his undivided attention!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've come to the best possible place to air your problems!*


----------



## Cooper

I would cancel everything as well, even if he comes to you tomorrow professing his eternal love I would still postpone the wedding. He is acting like an immature coward, he is ducking an issue and leaving you and your emotions flapping in the wind. Could you imagine being married to a guy like that? As his future wife you should be the most important person in his life, for him to go into hiding and refusing to talk to you should be a loud and clear message of the level of respect he has for you....zero.

Having cold feet is one thing, hiding and avoiding you takes it to an entirely different level, he is not marriage material.

Thought I would come back and add a thought....if he didn't come home one night is it possible he hooked up with another woman and now is so ashamed and distraught he can't face you?


----------



## Evinrude58

He's not getting cold feet. He has totally shut you out. He is seeing someone else.
That's why he's staying with his friend..... and her when it's late.

You just need to very simply cash out of that home and move on. You're going over there every day chasing him. I know the incredibly powerful urge to know why he's doing this and to fix it so you can go back to normal happiness and contentment. But it's the exact opposite thing you need to do.
You should end this relationship. 

The chances of him not seeing someone else are very low. Even if he's not, he is not the right man for you. Nobody should shut out the woman they intend to marry like that. You are being pooped on. Don't accept it. MOVE ON. You don't want to hear that, but it's what you should do, no matter what the reason he has for this.


----------



## browser

He's obviously having second thoughts, and for good reason.

Most marriages fail, and when they do most often it's the guy who gets the shaft, and more often than not is left paying so much support to an exwife and children who want nothing to do with him, that he can't even afford to put a roof over his head. My guess is he's done some research and he realized he was about to make what could have been the biggest mistake of his entire life. (I speak from personal experience here). 

You two had a good thing. It's possible you can still both have a good thing, but of course there's no way to know exactly where his head is at. 

I suggest you remove the pressure, and make him aware of the fact that you know he's no longer interested in getting married and you are ok with that, because you understand and agree with the reasons. 

Only say that of course, if you are in fact willing to give up on being married.


----------



## TRy

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I go over every day after work to see if he will finally talk to me and nada, I even text him and just get silence back.


 Someone that can treat you like this is not someone that you should marry. Call off the wedding. If you want to know if there is someone else that he is seeing, immediately hire a private investigator for a day to see where he goes and who he is seeing. I doubt that he is holed up 24 hours a day at the friends house. Truth is that he may not even be staying at the friends house.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Run 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

I honestly don't think he is cheating but I knew he had commitment issues from his past. Just rather hard to know he could do this to a person he claimed he loved and I thought he was over the commitment issues when he proposed and I repeatedly made sure this is what he wanted and wasn't just doing it because he thought it was what I wanted which it is. Just the reason we dated so long, I mean he pursued me but I knew his issues through mutual friends so I am just hurting now. I mean we up and bought a house togeather a few months ago because we were so excited about spending the rest of our lives togeather and now its just like he flipped a switch and changed.


----------



## FeministInPink

I agree with everything said here, except the thing about hiring a PI. It doesn't matter if he's seeing someone else. WHY he is doing this is completely irrelevant.

CANCEL THE WEDDING NOW. Don't wait until you hear back from him. His lack of response is all the answer that you need. If he actually wanted to marry you, he would be responsive.

And, my dear... YOU DODGED A REALLY BIG BULLET. This is not the kind of man you want to marry. This is the kind of man who, when things get touch, will run and hide. This is the kind of man who will use you as a human shield when confronted by a bad person with a gun. This is the man who, instead of communicating with you when something is wrong, shuts you out completely.

A spouse is your partner in everything in life. They are there for you to lean on in tough times, and you are there for them. Your spouse trusts you enough to be honest, emotionally raw, and communicate with you. If something is wrong, a true/strong partner will come to you and confide in you their concerns, and you will listen and be part of the solution. He's not doing that. This man is not a good partner for you. Be grateful that he has run away now, because as much as this hurts right now, I promise you, he is saving you from a much longer, more intense pain in the future.

Cancel the wedding. Get back whatever money you can, and thank God that your chickensh!t ex-fiance saved you from making the biggest mistake of your life (marrying him), and move on with your life. Find someone who deserves you.

*hugs*


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I honestly don't think he is cheating but I knew he had commitment issues from his past. Just rather hard to know he could do this to a person he claimed he loved and I thought he was over the commitment issues when he proposed and I repeatedly made sure this is what he wanted and wasn't just doing it because he thought it was what I wanted which it is. Just the reason we dated so long, I mean he pursued me but I knew his issues through mutual friends so I am just hurting now. I mean we up and bought a house together a few months ago because we were so excited about spending the rest of our lives togeather and now its just like he flipped a switch and changed.


One more thing... ---------------------------------- find a realtor to list the house, unless you want to (and can afford to) buy out his share and keep the house.


----------



## browser

FeministInPink said:


> One more thing... I would change the locks on the house, and find a realtor to list the house, unless you want to (and can afford to) buy out his share and keep the house.


"Lock him or her out of the house" is advice given recklessly on this forum from time to time by posters who think it sounds like a good idea but have absolutely no clue about the legal ramifications of barring someone from their legal place of residence simply because they want to.


----------



## Cooper

OP sometimes it is very difficult for us to believe that someone who allegedly loves us could hurt us so thoughtlessly. You need to realize humans are all wired differently, the guy you love, the guy you want to marry, well he got some f**ked up wiring. For him to ghost you is unforgivable, there can be no valid reason for him to disappear and not respond to your contact attempts, he is a selfish coward. As FemPink said, this is a guy that will use you as a human shield. 

It sucks you purchased a house together, that will take some work to resolve, and it sucks you need to cancel the wedding, but it's better you deal with closure now then invest any more of your life with this punk. 

Here's an honest statement from a real man and a father. This thread makes me angry as hell, I truly can't wrap me brain around him disappearing like this and leaving you in limbo, making you suffer like this. Fem_Lindsey I don't even know you but would still like to get my hands on your punk fiancee!


----------



## FeministInPink

browser said:


> "Lock him or her out of the house" is advice given recklessly on this forum from time to time by posters who think it sounds like a good idea but have absolutely no clue about the legal ramifications of barring someone from their legal place of residence simply because they want to.


Fair enough. I rescind my comment about changing the locks.

But I would still find a realtor. They're gonna have to sell the house, no doubt.


----------



## Vinnydee

For a few months after I got engaged I would get nauseous whenever my fiancée was near me or called me up. I avoided her as much as possible. I got stoned and drunk before we were married because I was so nervous. I was only 20 years old, a college student with only part time jobs and it was scary to be responsible for another human being.

A year after we married a good friend of mine who recently got engaged, pulled me aside to ask me a question. He wanted to know if it was normal to feel sick when around his fiancée. I told him it was perfectly normal and I was the same. I assume not everyone gets like this but I know at least two of us who did and I suspect more of my friends felt the same but were embarrassed to say so.

So it could be very well that you make him feel sick.


----------



## ulyssesheart

Fem_Lindsey said:


> So my fiancee and I have been in a relationship for 4 years and engaged for about six months now. Well, we are two months out from being married and the past week it is like something has just clicked and has been ignoring me. We own our own home but he just didn't come home one night and has been staying with his best friend. Won't answer my Calls or texts and when I go over to the friend's house to see him and try and find out what in the hell has been going on he won't talk to me and the friend just sends me away and says he is alright and just doesn't want to talk. How do we go from such an incredibly close relationship and about to spend the rest of our lives togeather to him just cutting contact with me two months before our wedding? I don't even know what to do if he won't talk to me and I don't know what I did wrong and its just ****ing with me. Go from crying to being angry to just plain confused. How can a guy do this to another person? I just wish I knew what I did and Just wish he would talk to me and wish he understood how badly this is screwing with me emotionally. I just don't know what to do, I go over every day after work to see if he will finally talk to me and nada, I even text him and just get silence back. This is truly disheartening and breaking my heart.


Maybe his is Gay. And maybe the friend that his staying with is his lover?
He left you for a women, or for a man.


----------



## TRy

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I honestly don't think he is cheating


 So says the majority of people cheated on. A major study found that most affairs go completely undetected by their spouse, with most not knowing that this was the cause of their divorce if the cheater leaves them for the affair partner. Go to the infidelity section of this site and read a few of the longer threads there. You will see that many start the thread saying that their spouse would never cheat on them, only to see by the end of the thread that the spouse was indeed cheating. I am not saying that I know for sure that he is cheating. I am only saying that it is a very real possibility.


----------



## IamSomebody

FeministInPink said:


> Fair enough. I rescind my comment about changing the locks.
> 
> But I would still find a realtor. They're gonna have to sell the house, no doubt.


Find the most shark-like divorce attorney you can find. I know you two weren't married but your lives were very much entwined. Simply walking away from each other and selling the house is insufficient. If one of you put up the down payment and/or closing costs, you or he would be able to recover those as well as the division of equity.

You need to protect yourself.

IamSomebody


----------



## browser

IamSomebody said:


> Find the most shark-like divorce attorney you can find. I know you two weren't married but your lives were very much entwined. Simply walking away from each other and selling the house is insufficient. If one of you put up the down payment and/or closing costs, you or he would be able to recover those as well as the division of equity.


Why would she need a "shark divorce attorney" to divide up the equity in the house? It's not like they've got a lifetime worth of assets, and custody and children and support issues to work out. Why advise someone to take an action that could easily result in 10s of thousands of needless legal expenses when they could simply divide up the sale proceeds of the house and go their own way?


----------



## FeministInPink

browser said:


> Why would she need a "shark divorce attorney" to divide up the equity in the house? It's not like they've got a lifetime worth of assets, and custody and children and support issues to work out. Why advise someone to take an action that could easily result in 10s of thousands of needless legal expenses when they could simply divide up the sale proceeds of the house and go their own way?


It depends on how reasonable both of them are going to be.

And he should be on the hook for the realtor's fees and any other expenses incurred in selling the house, since he's the chicken sh!t who ran out on her.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

We are both early 20's so he could be scared he has had commitment issues since he was cheated on. I don't know what I am going to do, I talked to his parents and they said they would talk to him and find out what in the hell is going on with him. And I understand everyone is wanting to end it with him and just kick him to the curb, But it is honestly so hard to think about that when I love him so much. I honestly grew to love him so incredibly badly. I guess I want to wait and see what his parents find out since they love me and were honestly very shocked and angry to hear what he had been doing. We also have two huskies that we just adopted about a month ago, and I do not want to give them up. Thank you all for the help and avice, it has been truly helpful.  Just very depressed about this entire thing not being able to sleep at all just thinking about it all.


----------



## 225985

FeministInPink said:


> It depends on how reasonable both of them are going to be.
> 
> And he should be on the hook for the realtor's fees and any other expenses incurred in selling the house, since he's the chicken sh!t who ran out on her.


No, that is the risk she took buying a house with a man she is not married to. 

Right now they have a simple business agreement on the house. And most likely they had to agreement on what happened if they break up.

Life lessons to be learned.


----------



## WorkingWife

Evinrude58 said:


> You just need to very simply cash out of that home and move on. ... You're going over there every day chasing him. ... Don't accept it. MOVE ON. You don't want to hear that, but it's what you should do, no matter what the reason he has for this.


It's probably best to cash out and move on, but I'd consider just changing the locks. Of course with this behavior I'm sure he'll stop paying his share of the mortgage if there is one.

This is a horrible situation but I agree with Evinrude58, OP you must stop chasing him for your own dignity. This is so bizarre and cruel after 4 years to do this, but Thank God it happened before the wedding. I would be so curious and confused like you sound. You might consider hiring a PI to find out what's really going on with him to solve the mystery for yourself, but other than that, I urge you completely stop chasing him.

He is probably having an affair, but even if he cut off all contact because something horrible and traumatic happened to him that night he just "didn't come home" (WTF?) You are his fiance. If he can turn to his friend but not you, then there is something very wrong with him and your relationship and you do not want to marry him even if he comes crawling back after you stop pursuing him. 

Good luck. So bizarre and horrible. BTW, if you find out what his deal is, I'm dying to know.


----------



## FeministInPink

blueinbr said:


> No, that is the risk she took buying a house with a man she is not married to.
> 
> Right now they have a simple business agreement on the house. And most likely they had to agreement on what happened if they break up.
> 
> Life lessons to be learned.


You're right, but she should still ask him to take responsibility for those expenses. He is under no obligation, and she can't MAKE him do anything, but with the indignity that he's caused her, she wouldn't be wrong to ask.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera

If you're early 20s, it's a good thing to find this now. I told my DD26 not to get married before 25 because the mind doesn't stop growing and changing until then, so even if you feel you know what you want at 22 or 24, things may change. Especially for guys, who mature more slowly. I told DD to just go out and have fun until you're graduated from university, and then start looking around for someone compatible, and that's worked out really well for her. She just got engaged and won't be getting married until 2018. By then, they'll have spent their 20s together without legal commitment, to make sure it's going to work out. 

If you've been together since you were 17 or 18, you need to get out there and experience life and learn to be ok on your own. Maybe after a while like that, you two will realize you do belong together and you can get back together again.


----------



## ihatethis

Even if he is not cheating, look at how he behaves when things get hard. He shuts you out. This isn't going to change, whether you stay together or not. Just think of this for future purposes.


----------



## browser

FeministInPink said:


> And he should be on the hook for the realtor's fees and any other expenses incurred in selling the house, since he's the chicken sh!t who ran out on her.


In an ideal world, sure, the person who cheats should get the shorter end of the deal but real life isn't like that. 

And we don't necessarily live happily ever after.



WorkingWife said:


> It's probably best to cash out and move on, but I'd consider just changing the locks.


 @WorkingWife

Please see my post earlier on this thread about how irresponsible it is to advise people to do something that is illegal in most jurisdictions.


----------



## Herschel

GTFO! You cannot be with someone you don't trust. Not just cheating, but emotionally even more so. You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't even think twice. Call off the wedding, separate your finances and see what it takes to get out of the house.


----------



## WorkingWife

browser said:


> Please see my post earlier on this thread about how irresponsible it is to advise people to do something that is illegal in most jurisdictions.


Good point, I should be more careful with the flippant advice that comes to my mind in the middle of the night. However, I would point out to you that it is NOT *illegal* for a homeowner to change the locks. It is illegal to deny access to the other resident, and that resident, if an owner too, can also legally change the locks. But if your spouse is a lying, cheating, A-hole and you change the locks what can happen? They can call the police, or take you to court, or bash in a window, to regain access, but you haven't broken the law by changing the locks to a home you own.


----------



## WorkingWife

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I honestly don't think he is cheating but I knew he had commitment issues from his past. Just rather hard to know he could do this to a person he claimed he loved and I thought he was over the commitment issues when he proposed and I repeatedly made sure this is what he wanted and wasn't just doing it because he thought it was what I wanted which it is. Just the reason we dated so long, I mean he pursued me but I knew his issues through mutual friends so I am just hurting now. I mean we up and bought a house togeather a few months ago because we were so excited about spending the rest of our lives togeather and now its just like he flipped a switch and changed.


I am just really so sorry for you to hear this. It is just so bizarrely cruel. And it's sad for him to know he has these "issues." But the fact that he can do this to you - whatever is going on in his head right now, it's obvious his own fears and feelings consume him and he has no room left over to have empathy for what YOU are experiencing. Well even if he gets over this, you don't want to be married to a person who could do this to you. Or who could pursue something the way he pursued you and then suddenly just change his mind. A lifetime of that would be very painful.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Just to echo the other posters. End this now. He is showing you his true character. Disappearing for days and ignoring you - his fiancé - even when you show up at the friend's house to see him?? 

Epic fail.

Sell the house. Be glad you didn't make babies with him. Because what happens a few years down the road, and he again disappears for days at a time - and this time you have a baby or two at home? 

He's telling you now who he is. Listen to him.


----------



## IamSomebody

browser said:


> Why would she need a "shark divorce attorney" to divide up the equity in the house? It's not like they've got a lifetime worth of assets, and custody and children and support issues to work out. Why advise someone to take an action that could easily result in 10s of thousands of needless legal expenses when they could simply divide up the sale proceeds of the house and go their own way?


A "shark-like attorney" would protect you. They are not always on the offense but always ready at the defense. You have no idea what this ex-fiancé will do. You thought you were going to marry, not have him disappear. You can not trust him now. You need someone to watch out for your interests. Who knows what he will try to pull.

IamSomebody


----------



## IamSomebody

Fem_Lindsey said:


> We are both early 20's so he could be scared he has had commitment issues since he was cheated on. I don't know what I am going to do, I talked to his parents and they said they would talk to him and find out what in the hell is going on with him. And I understand everyone is wanting to end it with him and just kick him to the curb, But it is honestly so hard to think about that when I love him so much. I honestly grew to love him so incredibly badly. I guess I want to wait and see what his parents find out since they love me and were honestly very shocked and angry to hear what he had been doing. We also have two huskies that we just adopted about a month ago, and I do not want to give them up. Thank you all for the help and avice, it has been truly helpful.  Just very depressed about this entire thing not being able to sleep at all just thinking about it all.


His parents may say they love you, and even mean it, but when push comes to shove they will be on their son's side.

IamSomebody


----------



## browser

WorkingWife said:


> But if your spouse is a lying, cheating, A-hole and you change the locks what can happen? They can call the police, or take you to court, or bash in a window, to regain access, but you haven't broken the law by changing the locks to a home you own.


If you haven't provided your housemate with the keys it's an illegal act in most areas and it could work against the person doing it, even if they aren't prosecuted for it. If things get ugly you don't need to be giving them more ammunition.


----------



## ulyssesheart

Fem_Lindsey said:


> We are both early 20's so he could be scared he has had commitment issues *since he was cheated on*.


The first wife has the answers. She also found her own answer to his what? Peevishness?


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

ulyssesheart said:


> The first wife has the answers. She also found her own answer to his what? *Peevishness?*


What? This doesn't make sense, Never Said he was married his ex-girlfriend I feel like you are making assumptions out of nowhere. What peevishness? I am mildly confused by this.

Anyways, His parents called me and told me that he said nothing was wrong and he was just trying to get some things prepared and was preparing a surprise for me. So honestly pretty confused on things but it is hard to give up a four-year relationship with someone. Not really worried about the house because I can afford it alone if it comes down to it, And I can't really change the locks on someone who's name is also on the title/Mortgage. Honestly pretty unsure where to go from here, Friends took me out for some drinks and dinner tonight so it was pretty needed. Whatever this surprise is better be incredibly big, If there even is one.


----------



## Nucking Futs

browser said:


> If you haven't provided your housemate with the keys it's an illegal act in most areas and it could work against the person doing it, even if they aren't prosecuted for it. If things get ugly you don't need to be giving them more ammunition.


Bull ****. Cite a source.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> What? This doesn't make sense, Never Said he was married his ex-girlfriend I feel like you are making assumptions out of nowhere. What peevishness? I am mildly confused by this.
> 
> Anyways, His parents called me and told me that he said nothing was wrong and he was just trying to get some things prepared and was preparing a surprise for me. So honestly pretty confused on things but it is hard to give up a four-year relationship with someone. Not really worried about the house because I can afford it alone if it comes down to it, And I can't really change the locks on someone who's name is also on the title/Mortgage. Honestly pretty unsure where to go from here, Friends took me out for some drinks and dinner tonight so it was pretty needed. Whatever this surprise is better be incredibly big, If there even is one.


Fem_Lindsey you are so young and naive, I'm not trying to insult you but the reality is you just don't have years of experience under your belt.

What his parents told you is BS, and what your fiancee is doing is beyond BS. Put your thinking cap on Lindsey, why would a man deeply in love disappear and stop communication because he was making plans for a big surprise? Give me one legitimate answer? You two live together for gosh sakes, how could any reasonable person think it's OK just to disappear?

Here's what I bet happened. Your fiancee either f**ked up royally but hooking up with some girl, maybe went a drunken or drug bender, or just doesn't want to get married and went into hiding hoping it would simply go away. Then his parents called him, chewed him out for being such a punk ass idiot. They told him he can't back out of the wedding, it's to close and there's too much invested including owning a house together. Then they told him he needs to make this up to you. So out of all that comes the big BS story that all he was doing was planning a big surprise for you! I am telling you the surprise is nothing more than bribery to make you forget and forgive what he has put you thru, the surprise is an after thought, not the original plan.

If I am wrong and that's OK for people to do to each other than I must have one f**ded up set of morals and values. I just can't imagine anyone thinking they could do this and get away with it nor can I believe anyone would fall for it. You love the guy and want to believe the BS scenario, and your inexperience is letting love blind you. You need to find out the TRUTH about what has been going on, and I think you still should postpone the wedding.


----------



## MattMatt

How to legally change the locks.

"Honey, I lost my keys. So I had to have the locks changed.

"I have your new keys here for you when you start living here again."


----------



## MattMatt

browser said:


> If you haven't provided your housemate with the keys it's an illegal act in most areas and it could work against the person doing it, even if they aren't prosecuted for it. If things get ugly you don't need to be giving them more ammunition.


In some jurisdictions it would be a civil tort only.


----------



## Satya

Hun, this happens more frequently than younger people know or realize.

There are multiple reasons: cold feet, fear, he was cheating on you the whole time, he just doesn't want to be married, he thought he was doing what other people wanted, he hasn't matured enough yet, he had a ONS, he hasn't figured out what he wants in life, he knows he has too much baggage to make a good husband, etc....

WHATEVER the reason, it honestly doesn't matter. The fact is, he's not ready. It sucks that he'd rather disappear than use his words to your face, but if anything it just shows even more that he's not mature enough for marriage if he can't communicate his truth to you.

Don't bother guessing or speculating. If he wants to tell you he'll tell you if and when he's ready.
I'd encourage you to get your ducks in a row, work out the most amicable solution, and let him go.

Did I read correctly that you bought a house together? If so, and I'm not having a go at you, IMO it's unwise to go into such a committed financial situation with a man who is not yet fully committed to you (married). That's a lesson I hope that you carry with you into the future. I don't mind if people don't even believe in marriage... I would not even suggest buying a house together without SOME kind of contract/agreement between the two people about what happens if they split up.

I honestly doubt this is some kind of "surprise." At least, not the pleasant kind.


----------



## Blondilocks

It's hard to believe that his parents bought the 'surprise' bs. They may have concocted the story to spare your feelings and give them time to talk sense into him. 

Say, he is working on a surprise for you. He can't just say "Love, I can't discuss it because it's a surprise"? Okay, the surprise may have required him to abandon you and his home but it does not require him to not speak to you. The only surprise worthy of this behavior would be a sex change operation.


----------



## ulyssesheart

Fem_Lindsey said:


> What? This doesn't make sense, Never Said he was married his ex-girlfriend I feel like you are making assumptions out of nowhere. What peevishness? I am mildly confused by this.
> 
> Anyways, His parents called me and told me that he said nothing was wrong and he was just trying to get some things prepared and was preparing a surprise for me. So honestly pretty confused on things but it is hard to give up a four-year relationship with someone. Not really worried about the house because I can afford it alone if it comes down to it, And I can't really change the locks on someone who's name is also on the title/Mortgage. Honestly pretty unsure where to go from here, Friends took me out for some drinks and dinner tonight so it was pretty needed. Whatever this surprise is better be incredibly big, If there even is one.


Sorry. His ex cheated on him, to me this meant spouse. The post is still accurate though. The definition for "Peevish" is the below:

*Querulous or discontented, Ill-tempered, Contrary; fractious.*

Uh, this suite of words fit the man like a tailored suit. The guy is flaky. "Head and Shoulders" shampoo will not fix him. You are head and shoulders better than this Mommas Boy.


----------



## ulyssesheart

Satya said:


> The fact is, he's not ready. It sucks that *he'd rather disappear than use his words* to your face, but if anything it just shows even more that he's not mature enough for marriage if he can't communicate his truth to you.
> 
> Don't bother guessing or speculating. If he wants to tell you he'll tell you if and when he's ready.
> I'd encourage you to get your ducks in a row, work out the most amicable solution, and let him go.


Reminds me of my cousin talking to her agitated 3 year old. After the child started on a tangent, the mother told her to "Use your words". Use your words, do not act out. See the similarities here?
Satya is right, he is not anywhere near mature. His mother knows that. She is trying to guide him on the right path. She has been doing that his whole life. Do not marry this man child.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Blondilocks said:


> It's hard to believe that his parents bought the 'surprise' bs. They may have concocted the story to spare your feelings and give them time to talk sense into him.
> 
> Say, he is working on a surprise for you. He can't just say "Love, I can't discuss it because it's a surprise"? Okay, the surprise may have required him to abandon you and his home but it does not require him to not speak to you. The only surprise worthy of this behavior would be a sex change operation.


My thoughts exactly. Don't trust his parents to have your back in this situation.

At this point all the parents - his and yours - will probably turn a blind eye to most bad behavior. The golden ring for them is seeing the kids get married at any and all costs. They wouldn't ignore physical abuse, they may or may not ignore infidelity and have you rug sweep it away. The rest they will tell you to ignore.


----------



## MattMatt

Blondilocks said:


> It's hard to believe that his parents bought the 'surprise' bs. They may have concocted the story to spare your feelings and give them time to talk sense into him.
> 
> Say, he is working on a surprise for you. He can't just say "Love, I can't discuss it because it's a surprise"? Okay, the surprise may have required him to abandon you and his home but it does not require him to not speak to you. The only surprise worthy of this behavior would be a sex change operation.


Ooh, now what surprise might he give you on your wedding night, I wonder, @Fem_Lindsey? :scratchhead:








[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


----------



## TRy

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Anyways, His parents called me and told me that he said nothing was wrong and he was just trying to get some things prepared and was preparing a surprise for me.


 You are being conned. Him being so cruel to you as to refuse to even talk to you for so long a period of time, knowing that you were home alone crying yourself to sleep, cannot be explained away by the absurd claim that he "was preparing a surprise" for you. Please do not buy into this garbage. A famous con man once said that "you can get anyone to believe the unbelievable, as long as they want to believe". You want to believe, and he and his parents know this. 

No reasonable person would believe that the value of doing anything as a surprise, over doing it as not a surprise, would be worth doing something like this that is so hurtful that it could end the relationship.


----------



## Andy1001

OP if you have mutual bank accounts you need to see if he has emptied them.This guy is not coming back and even if he does you should not reconcile with him.This talk about a surprise is just gaslighting and for your own sake you need to realise this.Both sets of parents will be pushing for the wedding to take place but it's you who will have to live the rest of your life with him.


----------



## MattMatt

Do you have insurance on the wedding expenses?


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

MattMatt said:


> Do you have insurance on the wedding expenses?


On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from. 

He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?


----------



## Andy1001

Fem_Lindsey said:


> On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from.
> 
> He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?


I was supposed to get married last year but ended up cancelling.I am now back together with my ex fiancée and I believe we are in a better relationship than before.Remember cancelling a wedding is cheaper than a divorce.


----------



## Satya

Fem_Lindsey said:


> On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from.
> 
> He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?


Many of us do know and we say to do these hard things now so you're not stuck in a much worse and more permanent place later. 

Thank him for his honesty. Of course you're upset, but allow him to see you value his truth, so that he can learn it's OK to come to you with it. 

I'd strongly advise canceling or at the very least delaying it by at least 6 months. His actions say a lot that you'd rather not admit to believing, because it hurts. Believe it. 

Decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not. Do not hold out hope for a man who is not ready, acts like he is not ready, and says he is not ready. Don't let your brain trick you into thinking he'll be ready if you do X, Y, and Z. 

You are allowed to have dreams and goals, as is he, and you are allowed to pursue them with all your heart, as is he, but you'll be doing yourself the greatest disservice by ignoring your gut.


----------



## MattMatt

Fem_Lindsey said:


> On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from.
> 
> He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?


My advice would be to not cancel the wedding but to give him a matrimonial raincheck and to delay the wedding.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> On some things yes but some things like Honeymoon and the venue I will never get the money back from.
> 
> He actually called me tonight and we talked for a good few hours, He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me. I want to believe him but what he has done honestly scares me and broke my heart there for awhile. I understand the logical thing would still to call off the wedding and cut off the relationship but I honestly still love him so very much. I know it isn't supposed to be easy but this is so incredibly hard to deal with. Just keep thinking all good relationships go through some very rough times. But You guys advice also is ringing and staying with me. And Sorry to those who are calling me Naive ext. Just hard to ignore my feelings and love for someone whom I have spent four years with, Ya know?


The highlighted part is what this all comes down to. It's hard for you to ignore those feelings, but it was easy for your fiancee, he does not have the same depth of character as you, he has an emotional deficiency unimaginable to you. You could never have just disappeared on him could you? Take what just happened at face value and look very hard at the difference in you two that allowed him to simply walk away and ignore you, something you could never ever do to him. What he just put you through is a probably a glimpse of your future if you stay with him, he will never be as committed to you as you are to him.


----------



## Blondilocks

"He says he is getting cold feet and didn't want to scare me away and says he still loves me."

He didn't want to scare you away? Then why did he do his best to do exactly that?

Says he still loves me - his actions did not show this.

He's had 4 years to call off this relationship. Don't be one of those people who are 'engaged' for ten years with 3 kids and a fiance who decides that isn't the life he envisioned and skips. He's either in or he's out of your life.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

If you can postpone the wedding a few months to buy him time and keep your deposits, fine. But I don't think a few months will change much.

Losing your deposits is a small cost compared to marrying a man who doesn't want to be married, and far far cheaper than making babies with him.

If you can't get your money back, then take a girlfriend or two on the "honeymoon" and celebrate your new beginnings.

ETA - whether it was deposits or paid in full, same advice.


----------



## Celes

OP, the fact that he's capable of ghosting you in the first place speaks volumes. You can except that he will do it again in the future should you decide to marry him. Is this something you really want to deal with long term? I could not marry such a man and I've been in your shoes. 

I know it's hard. I was engaged previously to another man who also got cold feet in the end. Instead of ghosting me, he started treating me like complete crap. I called off the wedding a few days before and dumped him. I lost thousands in deposits and was completely embarrassed in front of friends and family. I can't even describe what it felt like to go back to work and have a bunch of coworkers congratulating me on my wedding, and having to tell each one it didn't happen. 

3 months later I met the real love of my life. My now husband. Even though what I went through was painful, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant meeting my husband. 

Keep in mind, there IS better. Your fiancé has shown his true colors. Pay attention. Don't sell yourself short.


----------



## Openminded

Love is not necessarily equal and how you love him may not be how he loves you. 

I think you'll go through with it as scheduled (if he decides he wants to) but it's obviously easier to end your engagement than to end your marriage. Much easier.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

MattMatt said:


> My advice would be to not cancel the wedding but to give him a matrimonial raincheck and to delay the wedding.


I think That is what I am going to do currently, I need time and he clearly does as well. I love the guy but this hurt a lot, Not sure how a relationship goes so sideways like this. He came home tonight but was acting strange was walking on eggshells around me. My few close friends are echoing what you guys have been saying. I suppose I just need time to try and find out what I wanna do. Can't ignore my feelings for him or about him now.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Openminded said:


> Love is not necessarily equal and how you love him may not be how he loves you.
> 
> I think you'll go through with it as scheduled (if he decides he wants to) but it's obviously easier to end your engagement than to end your marriage. Much easier.


Like I said I will probably be postponing it for awhile, Can't ignore either sets of feelings I have right now.


----------



## Satya

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I think That is what I am going to do currently, I need time and he clearly does as well. I love the guy but this hurt a lot, Not sure how a relationship goes so sideways like this. He came home tonight but was acting strange was walking on eggshells around me. My few close friends are echoing what you guys have been saying. I suppose I just need time to try and find out what I wanna do. Can't ignore my feelings for him or about him now.


Just be fair to yourself. The best way I know how to do this is to temper my feelings with logic and facts, so I have a balance and can make better decisions.

My opinion still stands that he's not ready or mature enough for a big step like marriage, based on his avoidance behavior, but this is your life and you must handle this as you see fit to do so.


----------



## turnera

Re: your feelings, loving him. This is one of the things that you'll be learning as you grow older and experience more in life: Sometimes you have to walk away from something you want, if you know it's a bad choice. Like my DD26 has said after a few such moments, "why does life have to be so hard?" Because that's how you learn and grow, dear.


----------



## Openminded

I agree, T. 

Love obviously doesn't solve all problems. It would be great if it did. None of us would be here.


----------



## browser

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Anyways, His parents called me and told me that he said nothing was wrong and he was just trying to get some things prepared and was preparing a surprise for me


Bizarre.


----------



## browser

Nucking Futs said:


> Bull ****. Cite a source [to justify my claim that changing the locks on your live in partner is illegal in most areas]


Simply search on "is it illegal to change the locks" and you'll find plenty.

Here's one

It's not Bull**** simply because you don't like the idea.


----------



## Yeswecan

browser said:


> Bizarre.


It is bizarre. His parents advise he said it was surprise he is working on.


----------



## Nucking Futs

browser said:


> Simply search on "is it illegal to change the locks" and you'll find plenty.
> 
> Here's one
> 
> It's not Bull**** simply because you don't like the idea.


If you want to convince me that you're right you'll need to cite a source that is actually relevant. I agree with that article, it is illegal for a landlord to change the locks on a tenant. This is not a landlord/tenant situation, it's owner occupant, and it's completely legal in all 50 states for a homeowner to change the locks on his/her home any time they want. Here's a hint for you: landlordology.com is unlikely to have relevant information.


----------



## browser

Nucking Futs said:


> If you want to convince me that you're right you'll need to cite a source that is actually relevant.


Dude you can search on "is it illegal to change the locks on a spouse" just as easily as I can and find relevant links such as this one or this one from a family law blog site that clearly states _"Changing the locks and divorce: During divorce, physical separation can mean moving out of the family home. However, it's not legal to evict a spouse or change the locks."_


----------



## Nucking Futs

browser said:


> Dude you can search on "is it illegal to change the locks on a spouse" just as easily as I can and find relevant links such as this one or this one from a family law blog site that clearly states _"Changing the locks and divorce: During divorce, physical separation can mean moving out of the family home. However, it's not legal to evict a spouse or change the locks."_


You're not reading enough of those links. They specifically mention changing the locks in the context of denying access. It is absolutely legal in all 50 states to change the locks. You can't legally deny access to the home to anyone that has a right to access it. So if you change the locks you must be prepared to provide a key to the new lock to anyone who has a right to access the home. If they ask for it.


----------



## browser

Nucking Futs said:


> So if you change the locks you must be prepared to provide a key to the new lock to anyone who has a right to access the home. If they ask for it.


Then what's the point?


----------



## Andy1001

browser said:


> Then what's the point?


In this thread the missing fiancé would have had to come out of hiding to get his keys.


----------



## browser

Andy1001 said:


> In this thread the missing fiancé would have had to come out of hiding to get his keys.


In this thread the missing fiance would have to come out of hiding to enter the house.

So back to my point of changing the locks being pointless if the law says you can in fact change the locks as long as it's not being done to lock the partner out of the house.. If he's just handed a key upon request; what's the difference if he comes out of hiding and enters the house with his own key or comes out of hiding tries the locks can't get in and requests a house key? Other then of course the poor woman is out the money she spent to change the locks.


----------



## Nucking Futs

browser said:


> In this thread the missing fiance would have to come out of hiding to enter the house.
> 
> So back to my point of changing the locks being pointless if the law says you can in fact change the locks as long as it's not being done to lock the partner out of the house.. If he's just handed a key upon request; what's the difference if he comes out of hiding and enters the house with his own key or comes out of hiding tries the locks can't get in and requests a house key? Other then of course the poor woman is out the money she spent to change the locks.


The difference is he's not coming in and cleaning it out while she's at work, or going through her stuff. If he comes and asks for a key she knows she needs to take other steps, but usually they don't even ask for it. 

And what happens if he goes to his lawyer about it? Lets ask Danny4133!



Danny4133 said:


> Hi Chaps.
> 
> Had meeting with solicitor,
> Was only a short 35 min one but he took all the examples of unreasonable behaviour I'd printed and proof we share our kids time 50/50 and a few other bits that I'd prepared
> He's gave me a list of things to gather together, mortgage statement, payslips, marriage certificate and so on.
> 
> I told him about the locks being changed,
> He said that was a NO-NO, alongside the serving information will include *a warning letter about changing the locks back or giving me a key* as I can access the house and couldn't be arrested for breaking in if I needed to do so,
> Not that he advised to do that.


That's in the UK, but the same thing would happen here. If he asks for the key she has to give it to him.


----------



## browser

Nucking Futs said:


> The difference is he's not coming in and cleaning it out while she's at work, or going through her stuff.


I wasn't aware she was worried about him coming and cleaning out the house and taking any of her stuff.


----------



## Nucking Futs

browser said:


> I wasn't aware she was worried about him coming and cleaning out the house and taking any of her stuff.


And now I'm bored.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Don't quite get the whole arguing over the legality of changing the locks, I wasn't gonna do that I didn't want to cause more tension and fights then I am already going through or even open myself up to legal trouble. But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


----------



## Nucking Futs

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Don't quite get the whole arguing over the legality of changing the locks, I wasn't gonna do that I didn't want to cause more tension and fights then I am already going through or even open myself up to legal trouble. But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


_Now_ he's being a prick? What was he when he ghosted you?


----------



## Andy1001

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Don't quite get the whole arguing over the legality of changing the locks, I wasn't gonna do that I didn't want to cause more tension and fights then I am already going through or even open myself up to legal trouble. But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


The more I read about this guy the more I think you need to have serious second thoughts about ever marrying him.He disappeared for a week and now he is back and everything is your fault.I think you need some time apart from him.


----------



## MattMatt

Nucking Futs said:


> _Now_ he's being a prick? What was he when he ghosted you?


Now he is worse. Because he has been called out on his bad behaviour.


----------



## Satya

He is blaming you for normal consequences of his own behavior. Don't feel toxic guilt for your choices. He needs to own his behavior. 

I firmly believe you did the right thing. He's possibly angry because you exacted your boundaries and now he's probably worried what other people are going to think.

You've done nothing wrong.


----------



## Cooper

Of coarse he manipulates the truth to his advantage, any time he can shift the blame to you and put you on the defensive is a victory in his mind. It deflects the issue away from him, plain and simple. If you stay with him you need to stand firm on your point and not let him derail from the actual problem. Whenever he starts with his blame shifting or passive aggressive crap call him out on it and shut him down.

Blame shifting is a personality trait I have zero tolerance for, once again he is showing he is a weak coward of a man. I'm starting to wonder if he is actually trying to manipulate you into calling off the wedding or even ending the relationship, he certainly is pushing your tolerance to the extreme. If he can force you into ending things he can come out of looking like the devastated fiancee instead of the coward ass punk he is.


----------



## Blondilocks

Did he come home hat in hand and begging for your forgiveness? If not, then he hasn't even considered the emotional upheaval he created. He hasn't considered your feelings. Tip-toeing around was his attempt to sweep his behavior under the rug. It's all about him. Bad candidate for marriage.

And, getting angry? Hell no. How dare he?

eta: When is the reveal of the big surprise? LOL Hold his feet (or his parents') to the fire on that one.


----------



## Andy1001

I think he is showing you how married life with him would be.He ghosts you when he has a problem and then blames you for it.How would you ever think about having children with this guy because he is just an overgrown child himself.He should have been begging you to take him back,instead he seems to think he is in a position of power because you just accepted him back without any repercussions.
I say this from experience,you need some time apart to see if you really want a future with him.


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Don't quite get the whole arguing over the legality of changing the locks, I wasn't gonna do that I didn't want to cause more tension and fights then I am already going through or even open myself up to legal trouble. But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


He is blame shifting, which is an emotionally abusive, toxic behavior. He doesn't want to accept the consequences of his bad behavior. He is angry that you aren't willing to roll over and accept his sh!t; he is angry that you reacted in a completely reasonable fashion, which is to delay the wedding, in response to his completely UNREASONABLE behavior of disappearing on you only a few weeks before the wedding. He is trying to make you feel guilty for showing him that there are consequences to his bad behavior... and he will somehow twist it so that he will argue that his disappearance is your fault. 

This behavior will not stop; it will continue for as long as you are in a relationship with this man. Everything that goes wrong in your marriage will be your fault, and he will never take responsibility for anything.

I have a pretty good idea of why his first marriage failed. I think you need to cancel (not delay) the wedding, and get as far away from this man as you can.

What he SHOULD be doing is begging for your forgiveness. He should be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. He should be taking responsibility for his actions and the pain that he has caused, and he's not doing any of that.

You talk about how much you love him... but love isn't just a feeling. In a long-term, serious relationship it is an ACTION. It is the love actions of our partner that make us feel that we are loved. Where are his loving actions? I see none. It is easy to show loving action when times are easy, when times are good. But now, when things really difficult, when he needs to swallow his pride, where are his loving actions? All I see is manipulation. That isn't love, and it's not healthy.


----------



## Grapes

If he cant see how his actions impacted you, your future with this man will be limited to you bending like a wet noodle. Usually people have something called empathy where in they have the ability to put themselves in other peoples shoes and perspectives. Something like this, which is huge in my opinion, is a scenario where a normal person may see from the other perspective and have some genuine feelings. Your husband cannot do that, I married one too and its hell. Your feelings will get stuffed for the remainder of your relationship. In this case the best way to avoid divorce is to not marry. 

Im curious, if this was already asked then i apologize. Is the whole story here? If you were to put his shoes on for a moment was there anything that happened or has been happening that would cause this?

Lastly - If your best friend came to you with this story what would your advice be?


----------



## browser

Grapes said:


> Im curious, if this was already asked then i apologize. Is the whole story here? If you were to put his shoes on for a moment was there anything that happened or has been happening that would cause this?


Good question. As this story is presented, it makes no sense. The intended groom suddenly disappears for a week, refusing to see or even speak to his future wife who goes looking for him, and leaving her thinking "WTF is going on?" She finally contacts his parents who say "oh don't worry it's a surprise", she says to herself "screw this I'm postponing the wedding until I get some answers", then he suddenly reappears with no explanation for his absence, and gets all pissed off at her for postponing the wedding, and now she's second guessing her decision to do what any sane rational person would have done. 

This is one of those times I'd really like to see what he has to say about all of this.


----------



## Grapes

browser said:


> Good question. As this story is presented, it makes no sense. The intended groom suddenly disappears for a week, refusing to see or even speak to his future wife who goes looking for him, and leaving her thinking "WTF is going on?" She finally contacts his parents who say "oh don't worry it's a surprise", she says to herself "screw this I'm postponing the wedding until I get some answers", then he suddenly reappears with no explanation for his absence, and gets all pissed off at her for postponing the wedding, and now she's second guessing her decision to do what any sane rational person would have done.
> 
> This is one of those times I'd really like to see what he has to say about all of this.


agreed, doesn't make much sense.

OP - What are his problems/concerns? What would he say about you and the relationship?


----------



## turnera

Is there a history of him blaming you for things? Has he ever apologized to you in the past?


----------



## Ursula

Satya said:


> You are allowed to have dreams and goals, as is he, and you are allowed to pursue them with all your heart, as is he, but *you'll be doing yourself the greatest disservice by ignoring your gut.*



This here ^^ advice, take note of it. Your gut is seldom wrong, and take it from someone who wishes everyday that she'd have listened to hers instead of walking down the aisle because everything was already paid for and a lot of guests were waiting (things were paid for... sound familiar?). I wish I'd have done a 180, ran out the other door into the waiting limo, and had them taken me anywhere other than were I was. Listen to your gut!


----------



## browser

I'd like the Op to explain how his reappearance came about after he ignored her for what appears to be the better part of 2 weeks.

Did he show up at the door acting like everything was just fine? Did she track him down at a friends house? Call him? He called her?

Regardless of how contact was re-established, almost certainly the question would be asked to the effect of "I understand your disappearance has something to do with a surprise you're working on, what's the surprise that made it necessary to cut complete contact with me for almost 2 weeks?"

So @Fem_Lindsey what did he have to say for himself?


----------



## Cooper

browser said:


> I'd like the Op to explain how his reappearance came about after he ignored her for what appears to be the better part of 2 weeks.
> 
> Did he show up at the door acting like everything was just fine? Did she track him down at a friends house? Call him? He called her?
> 
> Regardless of how contact was re-established, almost certainly the question would be asked to the effect of "I understand your disappearance has something to do with a surprise you're working on, what's the surprise that made it necessary to cut complete contact with me for almost 2 weeks?"
> 
> So @Fem_Lindsey what did he have to say for himself?


Browser I will bet you a dollar that now that he's "angry" at her for postponing the wedding there will be no surprise. He will say something to the effect of it was wedding related or he is so upset with her that she doesn't deserve it. He will once again "punish" her and blame shift.


----------



## FeministInPink

Cooper said:


> Browser I will bet you a dollar that now that he's "angry" at her for postponing the wedding there will be no surprise. He will say something to the effect of it was wedding related or he is so upset with her that she doesn't deserve it. He will once again "punish" her and blame shift.


Bingo!


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

FeministInPink said:


> He is blame shifting, which is an emotionally abusive, toxic behavior. He doesn't want to accept the consequences of his bad behavior. He is angry that you aren't willing to roll over and accept his sh!t; he is angry that you reacted in a completely reasonable fashion, which is to delay the wedding, in response to his completely UNREASONABLE behavior of disappearing on you only a few weeks before the wedding. He is trying to make you feel guilty for showing him that there are consequences to his bad behavior... and he will somehow twist it so that he will argue that his disappearance is your fault.
> 
> This behavior will not stop; it will continue for as long as you are in a relationship with this man. Everything that goes wrong in your marriage will be your fault, and he will never take responsibility for anything.
> 
> *I have a pretty good idea of why his first marriage failed.* I think you need to cancel (not delay) the wedding, and get as far away from this man as you can.
> 
> What he SHOULD be doing is begging for your forgiveness. He should be willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. He should be taking responsibility for his actions and the pain that he has caused, and he's not doing any of that.
> 
> You talk about how much you love him... but love isn't just a feeling. In a long-term, serious relationship it is an ACTION. It is the love actions of our partner that make us feel that we are loved. Where are his loving actions? I see none. It is easy to show loving action when times are easy, when times are good. But now, when things really difficult, when he needs to swallow his pride, where are his loving actions? All I see is manipulation. That isn't love, and it's not healthy.


He has never been married before, His last relationship failed because his ex-cheated on him. He did come home tonight and apologize for getting angry at me, He also took me to his friends house and showed me the "Surprise" And it was a new car. But I Don't see why he needed to ghost me for two weeks for a dam car. I totally want to believe him and trust him again but he needs to meet me half way. I don't know if the relationshp can be repaird is it wrong that I want to try? I don't know I maybe stupid or something but this isn't easy and it's honestly a struggle for me. The Venues and Catering companies graciously allowed me to postpone though. So that is about the only good thing there.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

browser said:


> I'd like the Op to explain how his reappearance came about after he ignored her for what appears to be the better part of 2 weeks.
> 
> Did he show up at the door acting like everything was just fine? Did she track him down at a friends house? Call him? He called her?
> 
> Regardless of how contact was re-established, almost certainly the question would be asked to the effect of "I understand your disappearance has something to do with a surprise you're working on, what's the surprise that made it necessary to cut complete contact with me for almost 2 weeks?"
> 
> So @Fem_Lindsey what did he have to say for himself?


He called first and we talked for a few hours, And then the next day he showed up home like nothing was wrong ext. I didn't push him for it until yesterday and that's when he treated me like ****. Then today he showed me the "Surprise" and apologized for getting angry. I still haven't pushed and I suppose I need to, because I need answers and need to know if I can even trust him again like I used to.


----------



## Satya

Happy-sad, calm-upset, present-gone, responsible-blame, push-pull, all changing from one to another in short periods and without much warning. 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your posts and I'm no expert, but I find the rapid changes in his behavior to be concerning. 

Did you need a car? Did you ask for it?


----------



## Cooper

So let's name your car "The guilt mobile". No one on this planet will believe he disappeared for two weeks with the intention of buying you a car, there's no logic there. I may by cynical but experience has taught me you can at times measure the level of a persons crime by how hard they try to make up for it. He didn't buy you a card, he didn't buy you flowers, he didn't buy you jewelry, he bought you a friggen car! What the hell did he do during that two weeks? 

Fem_Lindsey here is why this entire scenario bothers me so much. I have spent a good part of my life being deceived and disappointed by the very people I trusted the most. You become accustomed to the disappointment, you hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst, you become conditioned to accepting BS stories not because you believe them but because you are too beat down to argue. For me personally one of the worst things in life is to not trust and be able to depend on the people you love, it's just so damn discouraging and exhausting. As I see your story unfold I see parts of my own life being repeated, and I want to grab a hold and shake sense into you and scream RUN! I know you love the guy and want to believe the best, but something is very very wrong, and you know that. Maybe this one event doesn't truly define this guy, maybe he has been a model fiancee up to now, but in my eyes this issue of disappearing for a couple weeks would be a game changer, there would be no second chance. I realize I am projecting my own experience on your situation, but good god I don't want you to go thru years of BS like I did. 

Don't make a life time decision purely based on love, love just isn't enough, use your logic. Long term things like trust, decency, dependability, and compassion trump love every time. Common sense is a powerful tool, use yours.


----------



## Andy1001

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He called first and we talked for a few hours, And then the next day he showed up home like nothing was wrong ext. I didn't push him for it until yesterday and that's when he treated me like ****. Then today he showed me the "Surprise" and apologized for getting angry. I still haven't pushed and I suppose I need to, because I need answers and need to know if I can even trust him again like I used to.


First of all did he buy A car or did he buy YOU a car?.The more I read about this guy the more I think you should run,not walk away.He is siht testing you to a major degree and you are falling for it.Why In gods name did you not have it out with him as soon as he came home,instead you just let him know he can treat you like dirt and get away with it.Also how does it tale two weeks to buy a car,was he making it himself?Anytime I've bought a car,unless it was new and had to be ordered I just walked into the dealership and pointed out the one I wanted.You really need to get away from this guy,at least for a while because otherwise you have nothing but a lifetime of misery to look forward to.


----------



## FeministInPink

I would tell him to take the car back. As one of the other posters said, it doesn't take a two-week disappearing act to buy a car. Maybe an afternoon. He's thinking that an extravagant gift will distract you and convince you for his boorish behavior.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## PhillyGuy13

The car was his solution after the fact. Buying you a car had NOTHING to do with disappearing from home all that time.

More gas lighting.

Beware. Beware.


----------



## Chaparral

Your man is weird. Nothing about his actions are adding up.

What the purpose is I have no clue but he is playing you.

Also wondering how you know it was his ex girlfriend that did the cheating. By his behavior everything he has told you needs to be verified. You're still in the trial run stage and he's gone off track.


----------



## FeministInPink

Chaparral said:


> Your man is weird. Nothing about his actions are adding up.
> 
> What the purpose is I have no clue but he is playing you.
> 
> Also wondering how you know it was his ex girlfriend that did the cheating. By his behavior everything he has told you needs to be verified. You're still in the trial run stage and he's gone off track.


I'm also suspicious regarding the break up of his previous relationship.

At the risk of alienating myself from all the men on TAM, I will share what a friend of mine said once: "Men always have a sob story about how awful their last partner was, because they want our sympathy. If he doesn't take responsibility for his part in the failure of the relationship, beware."

Considering his atrocious behavior with the OP, I can see how he wrecked his last relationship. Even if she cheated, he contributed, too. I'd like to hear about his previous relationship from his ex's POV.


----------



## Evinrude58

Two week disappearance with no communication?

There can be no logical explanation for this unless he is an NSA agent, secret service, FBI or deep undercover detective, or something similar--- or being kidnapped.

Is your dude in law enforcement? I'm looking for a logical explanation.

Buying you a new car and having ZERO contact with you for 2 weeks is illogical.

I have found that when a person is telling you something that is illogical, there is ALWAYS a logical explanation. Basically, he is lying about something. 

If your whole story is in fact true, you need to get the REAL explanation for why he was incognito for 2 weeks. Without that factual information, supported by evidence, I would not marry this person. There can be no successful marriage that is with a person that is deceitful. Your fiance is NOT telling you the truth.

Personally, I would need the truth before considering marriage.


----------



## Betrayedone

This has bad news written all over it! Get out and stay out. If you are having these issues before marriage you have absolutely no chance of long term success. Sorry, but the odds are very much against you.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey I have a question for you. Someone earlier asked how you would advise a friend who came to you with this situation. Have you spoken to any of your friends about this? You may not want to listen to us cynical TAM posters but I would think your friends love you and have your best interest at heart. I'm curious what they have told you, or have you been to embarrassed to confide?

How about your mom or dad? If they're part of your life what's their input? Or how about siblings? Is anyone advising you to ignore what is going on and marry anyway?


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@Fem_Lindsey when I was about 25 or so I had an apartment in Chicago with a friend. A coworker needed a place to stay so of course I had no problems allowing him to stay with us. He was recently married after having dated through high school and college. It was what was expected. Except he met someone at work who was a better fit. So he just moved out and ghosted his W. I was too young and naive to understand this and now I would have kicked him out. But then I just watched and felt bad for the W.

He was just immature and weak. He was weak to marry her when he really didn't love her anymore and weak to not tell her that. He was weak to move out and ghost her. And his GF used to call from Detroit (yes it was a LDR) and badger him for hours to leave his W. and he'd sit on the phone saying "yes... yes... I know hun..." for hours

Your boy (not man) is weak. I'm sorry. You are deeply in love with him because he is weak and has probably relied on you emotionally throughout the relationship, drawing you in deeper.

Sorry but separation at a minimum and frankly this guy isn't ready for anyone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MJJEAN

Whatever he was up to when he ghosted you must have been a doozy if it warranted buying you a car...


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Cooper said:


> Fem_Lindsey I have a question for you. Someone earlier asked how you would advise a friend who came to you with this situation. Have you spoken to any of your friends about this? You may not want to listen to us cynical TAM posters but I would think your friends love you and have your best interest at heart. I'm curious what they have told you, or have you been to embarrassed to confide?
> 
> How about your mom or dad? If they're part of your life what's their input? Or how about siblings? Is anyone advising you to ignore what is going on and marry anyway?


I have said a little to my two closest friends, But I haven't totally confided in anyone it is embarassing for this to happen. Two friends that I have talked to have said postpone same as you guys. I don't know what to say to my friends or family, I only have a brother who is a couple years older and has been married since he was 18 I guess he got lucky and found the love of his life early. What do I even say? Hey bro hows your wife and my Nephew, by the way My, fiancee ghosted me for a couple of weeks and bought me a new Lexus SUV that I didn't ask for or really need as a "Surprise". That is the reason I came to you all fine folks, Who have been incredbly helpful and understanding.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

My gut honestly says to kick him out for awhile so I can think and try and get my bearings, I railed on him tonight when I got home from work about why he ignored and ran from me for two weeks. All he could say is he was getting me the car and was scared about the commitment of the marriage and just wanted some space. I pushed as hard as I could and he didn't back off of that answer, And his ex did cheat she admitted to it back when I was simply friends with him and have mutual friends with his ex. I don't know what I will do from here just getting more and more angry over this entire ordeal as the days go by.


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I have said a little to my two closest friends, But I haven't totally confided in anyone it is embarassing for this to happen. Two friends that I have talked to have said postpone same as you guys. I don't know what to say to my friends or family, I only have a brother who is a couple years older and has been married since he was 18 I guess he got lucky and found the love of his life early. What do I even say? Hey bro hows your wife and my Nephew, by the way My, fiancee ghosted me for a couple of weeks and bought me a new Lexus SUV that I didn't ask for or really need as a "Surprise". That is the reason I came to you all fine folks, Who have been incredbly helpful and understanding.


You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your fiancee is the one who should be embarrassed. Your friends and family love you, and they don't want to see you treated in such a fashion. They will support you.


----------



## Satya

Lindsey, this is your life and no one else's. No one else is going to live it for you, nor should they. What others think about the situation, you won't be able to change. They'll think what they want. This is a very real investment that goes beyond a car or a house. This is the investment of your future, your time, your years. Once they are gone, they are gone. 

Be very sure of the man and the future you want to invest in. If you're not confident with the situation in the 6 months or however long the postponement is for, you need to be mentally prepared to walk away. 

Rather than rail on your fiancé, for answers he clearly won't just give to your satisfaction, why don't you outline what you NEED from him, specific things, to help regain your trust over those months?

What would some of those things be?


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Satya said:


> Lindsey, this is your life and no one else's. No one else is going to live it for you, nor should they. What others think about the situation, you won't be able to change. They'll think what they want. This is a very real investment that goes beyond a car or a house. This is the investment of your future, your time, your years. Once they are gone, they are gone.
> 
> Be very sure of the man and the future you want to invest in. If you're not confident with the situation in the 6 months or however long the postponement is for, you need to be mentally prepared to walk away.
> 
> Rather than rail on your fiancé, for answers he clearly won't just give to your satisfaction, why don't you outline what you NEED from him, specific things, to help regain your trust over those months?
> 
> What would some of those things be?


Answers real answers that I believe, Showing he cared again would also be nice. Not lying to me or not telling me how he is really feeling would also work. And making a real commitment to make this relationship work. If he can't do that then what is the point? I mean I love this guy and haven't felt such a love for any other person and I want it to work but I don't feel like being strung along or played and lied to either. Supposed to grab dinner with my brother after work today, Will try and talk to him and get his take on everything.


----------



## Satya

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Answers real answers that I believe, Showing he cared again would also be nice. Not lying to me or not telling me how he is really feeling would also work. And making a real commitment to make this relationship work. If he can't do that then what is the point? I mean I love this guy and haven't felt such a love for any other person and I want it to work but I don't feel like being strung along or played and lied to either. Supposed to grab dinner with my brother after work today, Will try and talk to him and get his take on everything.


OK, remember, give him specific examples of how he can demonstrate those things you mentioned. 

For instance:

Not lying: you both keep your phones unlocked and you can ask to see each other's phones at any time, without getting defensive. This encourages transparency. 

Commitment to the success of the relationship: you both work to schedule time with a relationship counselor and you commit to go once a week together. 

You can ask for both of those things and WATCH how he reacts to your needs. If he agrees, again, WATCH how he acts when you ask for his phone or how he acts toward counseling homework, because what he does shows exactly what you need to know. There's no ambiguity because you were CLEAR with him about what you need.


----------



## browser

Well there's really no making sense of his actions and his answers other than there is most certainly truth to his admitted fear of commitment, but the car purchase? Makes no sense.

Anyway you can at least eliminate the car from the equation by checking the sales invoice, which will have a date on it.


----------



## lucy999

Fem_Lindsey said:


> But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


Sweetie, you would be making a huge mistake if you go through with this wedding. I was all about postponing the wedding like others had suggested. But the quote above about his reaction to your postponing the wedding tells me everything I need to know. And it should be enough for you to. Run run run. This dude has massive issues.
Eta: I see that he bought you a new car. That makes the situation even worse in my opinion. This has guilt written all over it.


----------



## Diana7

browser said:


> He's obviously having second thoughts, and for good reason.
> 
> Most marriages fail, and when they do most often it's the guy who gets the shaft, and more often than not is left paying so much support to an exwife and children who want nothing to do with him, that he can't even afford to put a roof over his head. My guess is he's done some research and he realized he was about to make what could have been the biggest mistake of his entire life. (I speak from personal experience here).
> 
> You two had a good thing. It's possible you can still both have a good thing, but of course there's no way to know exactly where his head is at.
> 
> I suggest you remove the pressure, and make him aware of the fact that you know he's no longer interested in getting married and you are ok with that, because you understand and agree with the reasons.
> 
> Only say that of course, if you are in fact willing to give up on being married.


 No most marriages dont fail,and if a man is any sort of man, he will be willing to make that commitment. Just because your marriage didnt work, 60% do.


----------



## TRy

Fem_Lindsey said:


> All he could say is he was getting me the car


 Buying you a car as a surprise has nothing at all to do with him ghosting you for weeks. It is insulting to your intelligence for him to even state that to you. My guess is that he leased or took a loan out on the car, and if you get married in a few months as planned, as his wife you will be credit bound to the payments for the car that you did not even get to pick-out. In reality, all that he really gave you was a few monthly payments on a car as a payoff of for basically dumping you for a few weeks and then changing his mind.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Had dinner with my brother, God I love my brother and nephew always makes me feel so incredibly better when I see them both. Brother thinks he possibly could have just had cold feet and just had a minibreak up with me and then found the courage to just come back to the commitment. But he was also wary and though maybe he cheated or something along those lines. Basically advised me to postpone and break it to our parents and everyone and let guests know if win it will be back on dependent upon if this guy can somehow prove to me he is totally committed. Also had second thoughts about making him move out again because then we are just back to square one when this all started and I wouldn't ever get the answers I want and just blah. I don't think he took out a loan or leased it he is a trust fund baby from his grandparents. But I will ask for the sales paperwork and see what is really going on.


----------



## Satya

If the car is yours (a gift), you should be the one holding onto that paperwork anyway.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Had dinner with my brother, God I love my brother and nephew always makes me feel so incredibly better when I see them both. Brother thinks he possibly could have just had cold feet and just had a minibreak up with me and then found the courage to just come back to the commitment. But he was also wary and though maybe he cheated or something along those lines. Basically advised me to postpone and break it to our parents and everyone and let guests know if win it will be back on dependent upon if this guy can somehow prove to me he is totally committed. Also had second thoughts about making him move out again because then we are just back to square one when this all started and I wouldn't ever get the answers I want and just blah. I don't think he took out a loan or leased it he is a trust fund baby from his grandparents. But I will ask for the sales paperwork and see what is really going on.


In my opinion the car is just a distraction from the real issue, don't get side tracked focusing on that. The real issue is how and why he has it in him to just disappear and go no contact with the person he lives with and plans to marry. 

Also maybe I'm stereotyping here, if he has been living off a trust fund he may have lost sight of the "cost" of things, financially and emotionally. You have an investment in the relationship, his investment level may never be the same because he is conditioned to be able to simply walk away, there's just not the same level of sweat equity (or love equity), the "cost" to him is insignificant. 

And again I am talking both financial and emotional. You here the phrase "entitled" a lot with trust fund kids, they get what they want when they want, I have no idea if your fiancee falls into the entitled category, but he has certainly shown you he believes he can buy his way out of a problem. I still say he lacks the emotional investment in you that is needed for a long term healthy relationship, it was way too easy for him to walk away, that just isn't right.


----------



## MattMatt

Satya said:


> If the car is yours (a gift), you should be the one holding onto that paperwork anyway.


 @Fem_Lindsey In the UK we have a service called HPI that allows you to check the history of a car, if it is stolen, on finance, ever been written off as an insurance loss in an accident, etc.

I think this is the US equivalent Vehicle History Report by License Plate Number | AutoCheck.com

https://www.vehiclehistory.com/ might also help.


----------



## ulyssesheart

lucy999 said:


> Sweetie, you would be making a huge mistake if you go through with this wedding. I was all about postponing the wedding like others had suggested. But the quote above about his reaction to your postponing the wedding tells me everything I need to know. And it should be enough for you to. Run run run. This dude has massive issues.
> Eta: I see that he bought you a new car. That makes the situation even worse in my opinion. *This has guilt written all over it*.





> But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


I agree with Lucy, this has guilt all over it, or it is a subterfuge, He knew he was going to "ghost" you. This action [disappearing] was planned from the get-go The gift of the car was to to trick you, to take your mind and fears off his disappearing act. He did something during that "away" time. Find out what it was. The fact that you "dared" to get upset, takes the cake. And now he takes the upperhand and acts like a prick. This guy sounds like an entitled, spoiled narcissist.

His Ex cheated on him. Bless her heart. She learned who he was and burned him. I hope I am wrong.


----------



## turnera

The fact that he was angry at you is proof that he is inwardly centered, i.e. he isn't able to see things from your side or be empathetic. I am married to such a man; let me tell you, it's no fun. Life is ALWAYS about him. Every single thing that comes up, we have to deal with how it affects HIM. If I say I'm sick and need to lie down, he says 'well, I've been feeling bad for days, but I still get work done' or some such. Think long and hard about this. Read a LOT of psychology books so you can start to understand what drives him and whether you can live with it.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

MattMatt said:


> @Fem_Lindsey In the UK we have a service called HPI that allows you to check the history of a car, if it is stolen, on finance, ever been written off as an insurance loss in an accident, etc.
> 
> I think this is the US equivalent Vehicle History Report by License Plate Number | AutoCheck.com
> 
> https://www.vehiclehistory.com/ might also help.


He handed over the paperwork today when I asked and it was bought and paid for in cash new from our local Lexus dealer. Date of purchase was a week into him blowing me off so I am pretty confused on all of this. He brought me home flowers tonight and is thoroughly trying to suck up to me today. But he is also giving me my space that I ask for but I will also check this site, Thank you Matt. Is it bad I want to give him a shot to try and make this work and make it all up and earn my trust back? I don't know, Do love him but none of this makes any sense.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

A long term marriage is built on a foundation of trust. Without that... you really don't have a marriage.

Tell him that. Then say that what he has told you makes no sense. And if he can't feel completely open and be totally transparent, then you are starting off without basic trust. And it's his job to keep disclosing details until his story is trustworthy. It's not on you to do anything. You shouldn't have to keep prying. It's on him to come clean and give you whatever time and details you need. And you may never believe him if his story never adds up




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey it makes all the sense in the world that you want to forgive him and try to get past this, it goes back to what I said earlier, you have invested yourself in this relationship and your love has depth, that's hard to walk away from.

I think it's clear at this point you are not going to break up with him, so lets focus on moving forward. How will you know when he is being totally honest with you as to what he was up to? At this point what would it take for you to believe? What if the truth is as he says, he got cold feet and panicked to the point he went and hid from you? 

I think the issue now comes to not so much what you believe but what you are willing to accept, it sounds like he is going to stick to his story. Let's say today you wake up and accept that he panicked and disappeared, are you OK marrying that kind of man? Can you forget what happened and move forward? Can you just accept that this is all the truth you will get? Are you OK with his reaction such as getting angry at you or buying you a guilt car? 

If the answer is yes then move past this event and chalk it up to a life experience, stay together and hope for the best. And that's OK if you do, some people have a much greater power of forgiveness than others. But forgiveness is only part of moving past, in a way you also need to forget the pain and confusion he caused you, otherwise you will always be on guard. Can you do that? Can you stay with him not over analyzing every little thing looking for lies and deceit? Can you stay with him even if you never believe his story?

To be hurt by someone you love is a terrible thing. When it happens the person who did the hurting should be beside themselves with remorse, begging for forgiveness. When you hurt someone you love, and you see the hurt you caused, how could you not feel pain and hurt yourself? As I said in the beginning, people are wired differently, the difference between you and your fiancés is obvious. Forget about finding out every detail about what happened, can you accept the fact that it happened at all?


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Cooper said:


> Fem_Lindsey it makes all the sense in the world that you want to forgive him and try to get past this, it goes back to what I said earlier, you have invested yourself in this relationship and your love has depth, that's hard to walk away from.
> 
> I think it's clear at this point you are not going to break up with him, so lets focus on moving forward. How will you know when he is being totally honest with you as to what he was up to? At this point what would it take for you to believe? What if the truth is as he says, he got cold feet and panicked to the point he went and hid from you?
> 
> I think the issue now comes to not so much what you believe but what you are willing to accept, it sounds like he is going to stick to his story. Let's say today you wake up and accept that he panicked and disappeared, are you OK marrying that kind of man? Can you forget what happened and move forward? Can you just accept that this is all the truth you will get? Are you OK with his reaction such as getting angry at you or buying you a guilt car?
> 
> If the answer is yes then move past this event and chalk it up to a life experience, stay together and hope for the best. And that's OK if you do, some people have a much greater power of forgiveness than others. But forgiveness is only part of moving past, in a way you also need to forget the pain and confusion he caused you, otherwise you will always be on guard. Can you do that? Can you stay with him not over analyzing every little thing looking for lies and deceit? Can you stay with him even if you never believe his story?
> 
> To be hurt by someone you love is a terrible thing. When it happens the person who did the hurting should be beside themselves with remorse, begging for forgiveness. When you hurt someone you love, and you see the hurt you caused, how could you not feel pain and hurt yourself? As I said in the beginning, people are wired differently, the difference between you and your fiancés is obvious. Forget about finding out every detail about what happened, can you accept the fact that it happened at all?


I don't know if I can accept that quickly but I do want to try and thank you for being understanding of that. But I am tired of walking on eggshells around each other, and I want to be able to trust and love him. I honestly think that perhaps I can get past this totally and trust him again and Sorry I haven't replied in a day or so, Basically spent my Saturday talking with him all day he basically admitted to almost cheating but didn't and feeling super guilty and that's why he ghosted me so long and bought me the car ext. I believe this more so then the other story and he didn't cheat but almost did so I don't know what I am going to do honestly. I feel like since he stopped himself from actually cheating and didn't do anything that I can get past this and probably forgive him and move past this.


----------



## Miss Independent

.


----------



## Vega

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I honestly think that perhaps I can get past this totally and trust him again and Sorry I haven't replied in a day or so, Basically spent my Saturday talking with him all day *he basically admitted to almost cheating *but didn't and feeling super guilty and that's why he ghosted me so long and bought me the car ext. I believe this more so then the other story and he didn't cheat but almost did so I don't know what I am going to do honestly. *I feel like since he stopped himself from actually cheating and didn't do anything that I can get past this and probably forgive him and move past this*.


Be very, very careful with this. Typical cheaters do something called "trickle truth". That is, they will at first deny cheating. When pressed for more details, they give you a little more...then, a little more...and FINALLY, they may admit that they DID cheat, and maybe even admit they cheated more than once.

"I didn't even THINK about cheating" to "Well, I THOUGHT about it, but I didn't actually DO it" to "Well, I didn't actually cheat, but I DID kiss him/her once" to "Well, I kissed him/her and we fooled around a little, but we didn't go 'all the way'" to "Well, we only oral sex" to "Well, we DID have intercourse, but it only ONCE".

I swear...


----------



## aine

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Don't quite get the whole arguing over the legality of changing the locks, I wasn't gonna do that I didn't want to cause more tension and fights then I am already going through or even open myself up to legal trouble. But I told him I was postponing the wedding for awhile until I feel he is totally committed and he seemed honestly very shocked and got genuinely angry at me. Which I wasn't expecting and caught me a tad off guard which led to a massive fight and now he is being a prick. God, Why does it feel like I made a mistake and like I did something wrong now? Ugh


You have to stand firm, he wasnt mature or man enough to actually tell you how he felt and decided to run and protect himself like a small boy regardless of the hurt he caused you. Yet he expects you to understand and take him back with open arms and proceed with a wedding. Your finance has major issues and you would be a fool to continue with the wedding right now.
Can you imagine after years of marriage, commitments, challenges what he will do if he does not grow up. His actions are selfish and unloving, it would be best that he got a big dose of his own medicine. You have nothing to fear.
Tell him that what he did to you is making you doubt whether you want to be married to him at all and you need time to think about things. Whatever you do, do not marry him in a hurry. He needs to make major amends for what he has done instead of being a prick about things, he broke it now he has to fix it. Don't you take the blame for this.


----------



## aine

Fem_Lindsey said:


> My gut honestly says to kick him out for awhile so I can think and try and get my bearings, I railed on him tonight when I got home from work about why he ignored and ran from me for two weeks. All he could say is he was getting me the car and was scared about the commitment of the marriage and just wanted some space. I pushed as hard as I could and he didn't back off of that answer, And his ex did cheat she admitted to it back when I was simply friends with him and have mutual friends with his ex. I don't know what I will do from here just getting more and more angry over this entire ordeal as the days go by.


There is more, you have to dig.....who disappears for two weeks, says he needs a break and buys his fiancée a really expensive car. What is he guilty about? Did he hook up again with the old girlfriend? Something is up. You dig.


----------



## aine

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I don't know if I can accept that quickly but I do want to try and thank you for being understanding of that. But I am tired of walking on eggshells around each other, and I want to be able to trust and love him. I honestly think that perhaps I can get past this totally and trust him again and Sorry I haven't replied in a day or so, Basically spent my Saturday talking with him all day he basically admitted to *almost cheating but didn't* and feeling super guilty and that's why he ghosted me so long and bought me the car ext. I believe this more so then the other story and he didn't cheat but almost did so I don't know what I am going to do honestly. I feel like since he stopped himself from actually cheating and didn't do anything that I can get past this and probably forgive him and move past this.


Sorry, he DID cheat! The lexus is proof of it, his friend's response also proof of it. He is trickle truthing you. Do you want to start married life with this man? Girl, you have to separate and really think long and hard about what you are walking into. You are only engaged, once you are in a long term marriage and all that brings, he will do it again. Esp if you forgive so easily.

He did NOT almost cheat, he DID cheat! He is lying!


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I don't know if I can accept that quickly but I do want to try and thank you for being understanding of that. But I am tired of walking on eggshells around each other, and I want to be able to trust and love him. I honestly think that perhaps I can get past this totally and trust him again and Sorry I haven't replied in a day or so, Basically spent my Saturday talking with him all day he basically admitted to almost cheating but didn't and feeling super guilty and that's why he ghosted me so long and bought me the car ext. I believe this more so then the other story and he didn't cheat but almost did so I don't know what I am going to do honestly. I feel like since he stopped himself from actually cheating and didn't do anything that I can get past this and probably forgive him and move past this.


I am so sorry to hear this. Pay close attention to what Vega said, liars/cheaters use trickle truth for sure, they are only going to admit the very minimum it takes to get them out of trouble. Why was he even "tempted" to cheat if he loves and is committed to you? 

This is bad, I know you want to forgive and forget but this is very very bad, way too much happened, I personally could never get past this. Please get yourself tested for STD's.


----------



## Blondilocks

In whose name did he register the vehicle? Have you considered asking him to take a polygraph? Do get tested for STDs and insist he do so, also.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Miss Independent said:


> Do you have any proof that he didn't cheat?
> 
> How convenient that he ghosted you because he almost cheated...
> 
> 
> 
> -Miss Independent (formally known as Spinster)


I don't have any proof he did either, though. Just feeling pretty hurt right now that he would even think about it. Already asked him to get tested Friday with me and he didn't even put up a fight about it. But he maintains he didn't cheat or go through with it. I feel so guilty that I still love him and care about him even though he put me through this and just feel burned but still want to try and make it all work. I am gonna go talk to his friend and the friend's girlfriend more specifically and see if I can find out what really happened. I feel so stupid for still wanting to try and make it work but I don't know I feel like I would feel worse if I just dumped him and found out he didn't cheat and that when he finally did give me the truth is when I decide to leave him.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Blondilocks said:


> In whose name did he register the vehicle? Have you considered asking him to take a polygraph? Do get tested for STDs and insist he do so, also.


Both of Our names are registered on it. And no, polygraphs are notoriously inaccurate to the point they are not used in courts.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I don't have any proof he did either, though. Just feeling pretty hurt right now that he would even think about it. Already asked him to get tested Friday with me and he didn't even put up a fight about it. But he maintains he didn't cheat or go through with it. I feel so guilty that I still love him and care about him even though he put me through this and just feel burned but still want to try and make it all work. I am gonna go talk to his friend and the friend's girlfriend more specifically and see if I can find out what really happened. I feel so stupid for still wanting to try and make it work but I don't know I feel like I would feel worse if I just dumped him and found out he didn't cheat and that when he finally did give me the truth is when I decide to leave him.



Your quote is exactly why people stay in bad relationships and marriages. Us normal people have empathy, we have remorse for our bad decisions, we consider the results of our actions, we feel committed to our decisions and obligations. We feel we must always do the right thing even at the cost of personal sacrifice. At times those convictions hurt us, we can see the disaster happening but think we need to drive into it anyway because that's the road we are on. People like your fiancee don't have that same depth of conviction, and they use our's against us by spinning things around and trying to make us feel guilty. 

I am very sorry you are hurt, I can't tell you what to do, but I feel you still don't have the truth and frankly your fiancee has showed a terrible lack of conviction to you and your relationship. His friends aren't going to tell you a thing, take everything you already know and ask yourself if this is the type of man you want in your life. Put your love and current obligations aside, if you met him today and he told you what has happened the last month would you respect him? Would you want to date him?


----------



## Diana7

At the very least delay the wedding. He needs to know that what he did was wrong and that you wont put up with it. Remember that you arent even married yet and he 'nearly cheated' (or did cheat). What does he mean by 'nearly cheated?' Did they kiss? Touch? Do other sexual things? How did he gets into that situation? Who was it with?

To be honest if he didnt cheat, his reaction was over the top, I would tread very carefully, cheaters are good liars. No one buys someone a car out of guilt if they only 'nearly' cheat. 
I would run a mile to be honest. The fact that he had the audacity to get angry because you wanted to delay the wedding is a massive red flag. In fact there are red flags flying all over the place.


----------



## Blondilocks

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Both of Our names are registered on it. And no, polygraphs are notoriously inaccurate to the point they are not used in courts.


You're not going to court. You're trying to determine if you want to marry this man. Even though your fiance knows they are inaccurate, he may still have enough fear of them to give a parking lot confession. 

Frankly, the cheating or lack thereof is a diversion in this situation. The ghosting is more concerning. He abandoned you with premeditation and slunk back home with a shiny new trinket to assuage your feelings. He basically planned to cheat on you, took off and wouldn't see or speak to you and then went out and bought himself a new vehicle which he added your name to just to make it look like he was thinking of you.

All he has learned is that if he wants to mess up in the future, he merely needs to buy himself a gift and present it as a gift to you.

I would tell his parents that the 'surprise' was their son was planning to cheat on you. Get their reaction to get a better insight into your intended. You're going to marry this guy anyway so you may as well know what you have to look forward to.


----------



## browser

Blondilocks said:


> You're not going to court. You're trying to determine if you want to marry this man. Even though your fiance knows they are inaccurate, he may still have enough fear of them to give a parking lot confession.


^^This. Yes polygraphs are innacurate and cannot be relied on but that's not why you do it. A guilty person may refuse to take the test or the fear of what will be disclosed during the test may lead to the so called "parking lot confession" @Blondilocks referred to above.

As far as whether he cheated or was about to cheat?

It really doesn't matter for all practical purposes. 

He's shown you who he really is. Things won't get better after marriage, if anything they tend to get a whole lot worse.

You have been given the gift of foresight, ignore it at your own peril.

Life is too short to waste it on losers.


----------



## thefam

Aw Fem. All I can say is I sympathize with where you are. When my now husband asked me to marry him it was SO unexpected and I was SO head over heels in love with him that it is nothing he could have done that would have made me call off the wedding. So I can feel where you are. Nevertheless I can't help but think you are headed for heartbreak. 

I hope and pray I am wrong and whether it is from canceling the wedding or from him appreciating how much you love him and therefore do the right thing by you, that all things will work together for your good. 

I wish there was someone in your family who could give him a stern talking to and tell him he better not break your heart if you do go through with the wedding.


----------



## Blondilocks

When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.


----------



## browser

thefam said:


> I wish there was someone in your family who could give him a stern talking to and tell him he better not break your heart if you do go through with the wedding.


Yeah that will keep him honest.


----------



## thefam

browser said:


> Yeah that will keep him honest.


Probably not but maybe just maybe it would cause him to let her go.


----------



## Openminded

You'll likely never know whether he really did cheat during that time or not. If he did, it doesn't benefit him to tell you so he isn't going to. He wants to get married and so do you so presumably you will go ahead with it. But you've had a warning shot with this and it would be wise not to forget it. Maybe it will never happen again and maybe it will. Time will tell.


----------



## Nucking Futs

You should get a prenup before you marry him. You'll each need to be represented by your own lawyers but get something that penalizes him in a divorce settlement if he cheats. Make it reciprocal for fairness, nothing to worry about as long as you don't cheat. Which is what you also tell him to get him to agree.

If you go this route and come to suspect he's cheating after marriage don't confront, come here instead and post in Coping with Infidelity for instructions.

Be prepared for a fight when you bring this up. If he's the cheater I think he is he'll try to avoid that prenup but they all think they're too smart to be caught so you've got a chance at it. You shouldn't marry him if he won't sign it. Or even if he does, really, but you're going to anyway so might as well get a bonus out of the inevitable crash in your future.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

I am feeling pretty ****ty tonight honestly, I worked up the courage and just dumped him and said everything was off. Said all of that to him while basically crying and I haven't stopped still crying even while I am typing this out to you all. This hurts and feels freaking awful. Feel like I am making a mistake I am unsure how I will move past this but I will try, He had my heart and I still feel so incredibly in love with him and care for him. He is also hurting he got mad and was equally hurt and confused and had tears running down his cheeks as I told him which just makes this feel all the more wrong and like I am making a mistake. How do you all make this sound so easy and clear cut. I don't know what I am going to do about the house or our things or the car, or our dogs for that matter. He is out in the living room getting drunk and I just can't stop crying.


----------



## Satya

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I am feeling pretty ****ty tonight honestly, I worked up the courage and just dumped him and said everything was off. Said all of that to him while basically crying and I haven't stopped still crying even while I am typing this out to you all. This hurts and feels freaking awful. Feel like I am making a mistake I am unsure how I will move past this but I will try, He had my heart and I still feel so incredibly in love with him and care for him. He is also hurting he got mad and was equally hurt and confused and had tears running down his cheeks as I told him which just makes this feel all the more wrong and like I am making a mistake. How do you all make this sound so easy and clear cut. I don't know what I am going to do about the house or our things or the car, or our dogs for that matter. He is out in the living room getting drunk and I just can't stop crying.


It hurts because you're mourning what was. 

I promise you that with time, the hurt will be less, but you have to keep active, doing positive things. 

Do not get emotionally sucked back in. You ended it and it's done. You'll be showing yourself the greatest respect by standing steadfastly by your decision. 

Get the business things done. Get your ducks in a row. Do not engage any emotionally charged conversation with him. If it gets emotional, walk away and get calm. Tell him you will not do this unless he is calm. 

We know it hurts. I've been there twice myself and believe me I cried a river both times. Then life moved on. We are human and sometimes we go through painful and necessary life lessons.


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I am feeling pretty ****ty tonight honestly, I worked up the courage and just dumped him and said everything was off. Said all of that to him while basically crying and I haven't stopped still crying even while I am typing this out to you all. This hurts and feels freaking awful. Feel like I am making a mistake I am unsure how I will move past this but I will try, He had my heart and I still feel so incredibly in love with him and care for him. He is also hurting he got mad and was equally hurt and confused and had tears running down his cheeks as I told him which just makes this feel all the more wrong and like I am making a mistake. How do you all make this sound so easy and clear cut. I don't know what I am going to do about the house or our things or the car, or our dogs for that matter. He is out in the living room getting drunk and I just can't stop crying.


The fact that he thinks that getting drunk is a good way to deal with things is another red flag. Its very immature. 

Go with you intuition and gut, if you feel he cheated then he probably did. Until he is honest about ti not sure what you can do.


----------



## MattMatt

I think that you are making the right decision.

If his name is on the paperwork then he has, in effect, bought the car for himself.


----------



## Cooper

Fem I for one will never say ending a relationship is easy, it absolutely sucks to break up with someone you love, but sadly it takes more than love to hold a relationship together. There has to be mutual respect and genuine concern for each other, if not there will be a lot of hurt feelings and resentment. 

Most of us on this site have been in relationships we knew we should end, we saw the red flags but chose to ignore them. For me personally I knew before my wedding I was making a mistake marrying, I knew the woman I was marrying lied easily and had proved she would never be as committed to our life as I would be. I married anyway because I felt we were too far along to back out, I had too much already paid for, too many plans in place, I felt obligated. It ended up being twenty years of constant drama, constant conflict, I was always unsure of what the hell was going to happen next, I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. I wish someone had knuckled me in the head and told me to look at the facts and follow my intuition and break it off before I ever married. 

It hurts right now but I think in the long run you will realize it was the right decision, there is just something off about your fiancee and you don't want to deal with that for the rest of your life.

You may want to spend some time with a therapist and help yourself deal with your uncertainty, I truly think in time you will realize it was the right decision. Keep yourself busy and spend time with friends and family that love you.


----------



## lucy999

I know it hurts so bad. I promise you that you did the right thing. You just saved yourself YEARS of worrying, wondering, suspicion, and torture. Youre so young you have your whole life ahead of you. We make it sound so cut and dry because the majority of us are older and wiser and we've been through infidelity, or suspected infidelity or other major heartaches with our spouses.

Take it one day at a time. He really really really messed up. Your life with him wouldnt have been a good one. Youll see this as time goes on.

Take care of you first and foremost. All of this shows you respect yourself and that's a great thing.


----------



## FeministInPink

I must echo the sentiments of my fellow TAMers. It may hurt, but you're done the right thing. Everything he's done in the past few weeks has shown you who he really is, and that is a man who disappears and then lies about his behavior; a man who rug sweeps his own sh!tty behavior and then tries to blame shift and gas light you; a man who thinks that over-the-top, expensive gifts will make up for his bad behavior. A man who will be a poor partner and who will cause you much heartache in the future.

It's hard because you loved him, and you invested everything you had (emotionally) in him, and you've learned that he doesn't deserve it, and he has wounded you deeply. But sometimes the person that you want most in your life is the person that you are best off without. The man you thought. he was, and the man that you want... he's shown you that he is not that man. He's shown you who he really is, and who he really is, is a man that will make you greatly unhappy in the future.

Sometimes, the best things for us are the hardest things to do. But as others have said, it will get better. You wake up one day at a time, and your work through your grief, and each day it becomes a little less, until one day, you wake up and realize, hey, I'm happy today. Take this time to focus on YOU and finding yourself again. Do things that bring you joy. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you and support you. Ask for their help in handling some of the logistics; they will be happy to help. You can ask your parents to help contact the wedding guests to tell them the wedding is off, so you don't have to deal with it. If you are planning on moving out of the house (I assume you are), ask your friends to help pack so you don't have to do it alone. If you're not sure where to go right now, reach out to your friends and family to see who has a spare room or would be willing to have to couch surf for a while. If you're not sure what to do next, recruit some friends to help you make a list. Do you have a friend who's a great organizer and taskmaster? Recruit their help to come up with a plan. Your friends and family love you. They want to help you. Even if they've never been through the same thing, I'm sure that they can empathize with the pain you're feeling right now, and they will want to help ease that in any way that they can.

And, you can, as always, come here for moral support. We also want to help you.

*hugs*


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. You're doing the right thing though. His actions have HUGE red flags all over them. You're standing up for yourself and demanding respect.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Thank you all for the support, It is just really hard. And I am emotionally a wreck and I don't know what I am going to do he wants me out of the house immediately. And I don't know what the legalities there are involving all of this. It feels like I have made the worst mistake possible because everyone is getting angry at me and I don't understand what I have done wrong. Everyone but my brother is practically pissed at me like I did some sort of wrong, because I dumped him because he thought about cheating. I tried checking on him today but all he said was to basically screw off and that he wanted me out of the house. This just sucks honestly. Did I do something wrong? This just has me questioning myself really badly.


----------



## FeministInPink

You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong. This is YOUR life, and no one but YOU gets to decide what's right for you.

They don't understand if they're telling you you made a mistake. You can tell then they can either love you and support you in this difficult time, or they can fvck off. 

About the house... do you want to stay there with someone who treats you like that? Legally, he can't make you leave. What do you want to do? 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## lucy999

It's even doubly hard when you don't have a good support system in place. That sucks and I'm really sorry about that. If they dig too deep, ask them to keep their comments to themselves and that you need their support. 

As far as the house, didn't you say both of you are on the deed? He can't legally kick you out if that is the case. Well, I'm not a lawyer, but I think that's the case. Do you have funds to go see a lawyer to see what your basic rights are? 

And no. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You did everything right. What would have been wrong if you would have stayed with him. Trust me. It hurts now, but if you would have stayed with him, it would hurt a million times more after you invested much more time and possibly have children with him. You are on the right track. He is just trying to lay the blame at your feet. He's guilty as Sin. And he knows it. He's just pissed that you are no longer buying what he is selling. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.


I realize the logistics are difficult because both of you share a home. But some how, some way, you need to find a way to not be in his presence. The temptation to take him back will be very strong if you are in close proximity to him physically.


----------



## Saibasu

This is my first time posting on your thread but I really need to say something, your ex fiance is a narcissist. Google it, learn about it and you will see why I say this. I'm TELLING YOU he cheated on you, he DEFINITELY cheated on you. Use his "love" for you as a weapon. Time for you to lie to him, tell him if he comes clean about what really happened, even if he cheated, that you will stay with him and work through it. Obviously if he comes clean about the affair, then throw his ass out but little boys like him are cowards and will only contemplate fessing up if they feel like they will still win in the end. I'm so sorry your going through this but your dude is not normal in the head. Let me guess, everyone loves him because he is soooooo "charming" and now everyone thinks your the jerk for doing this to HIM....Makes me sick. This guy is a piece of human scum.


----------



## turnera

You have done nothing wrong. Every one of those people who is 'mad' at you is looking at things from THEIR perspective, what THEY get out of you getting married. That sounds like a personal problem to me (theirs). Know your worth. You don't have to accept poor treatment nor marry the person who did it. And I would urge you to question the people you allow in your life who would not CARE about the two weeks of hell YOU went through and are giving HIM sympathy.


----------



## Cooper

Looking out for your best interest is never wrong, not accepting being lied to and disrespected is never wrong, expecting complete commitment out of your significant other is never wrong. 

I am saddened to hear people are upset with you, especially if your parents are reacting that way. My kids are in their mid twenties and I never interfere with their lives, but if my daughters fiancee pulled the same crap yours did I would have been doing some serious interfering, and frankly if my son ever acted like your fiancee I would be in his business damn quick. Have you explained what actually happened? Him disappearing for a couple weeks with no contact, him claiming he wanted to cheat but didn't? No one in your life should say what he did was OK and you should just sweep it under the rug and move on, shame on them for adding to your pain. 

Logically you know he treated you terribly, logically you know you never want to be treated that way again, and logically you realize if he is capable of doing what he did he isn't committed to your relationship, the life you planned or you. Emotionally it's harder to accept, it's unbelievable someone you love could so easily hurt you, so callously ignore you and disrespect you. Emotionally you want to be wrong so you can go back to the way things were, but logically you know that won't happen, because of what he has done your relationship will never be the same. 

The day will come when you have a man in your life who considers everything he does and how it affects you because he can't stand the thought of causing you pain. That's how you should expect to be treated, anything less isn't acceptable.


----------



## Grapes

Ill echo - you've done nothing wrong. You've acted like someone who has boundaries, self respect and wont settle. To me that is a great place to be despite the pain that may come along with it. It took a lot of courage to end it and it will prove to be the right call. I think it was. You WILL find someone who treats you so much better simply because you contain the virtues and morals that allow it. Self respect and confidence.


----------



## xMadame

You did nothing wrong.

He abandoned you and betrayed your trust and expects everything to be okay. It is not.

Give yourself some distance so you can heal.

If later he wants to try again and is willing to make the changes you need him to make, then by all means work on your relationship.

He needs to change for himself, not you. You have avoided being stuck in an abusive marriage.

Congratulations on making the right choice. It is hard but things will get better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Thank you all for the support, It is just really hard. And I am emotionally a wreck and I don't know what I am going to do he wants me out of the house immediately. And I don't know what the legalities there are involving all of this. It feels like I have made the worst mistake possible because everyone is getting angry at me and I don't understand what I have done wrong. Everyone but my brother is practically pissed at me like I did some sort of wrong, because I dumped him because he thought about cheating. I tried checking on him today but all he said was to basically screw off and that he wanted me out of the house. This just sucks honestly. Did I do something wrong? This just has me questioning myself really badly.


 Dont leave the house, why should you? 
Has he actually told you who this lady was and what they DID do?How did he meet her? Did they actually meet up in person? Where?


----------



## TRy

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Everyone but my brother is practically pissed at me like I did some sort of wrong, because I dumped him because he thought about cheating.


 Stop telling people that you "dumped him because he thought about cheating". You dumped him because he thought about cheating with this other women (OW) enough to dump and ghost for so long due to her. Also, him ghosting you is a clear indication that he did more with this OW than just think about cheating with her; he has not provided you with a believe enough explanation for him ghosting you, that would get you to believe that he did not cheat.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

FeministInPink said:


> You didn't do ANYTHING wrong. Don't let anyone tell you that you are wrong. This is YOUR life, and no one but YOU gets to decide what's right for you.
> 
> They don't understand if they're telling you you made a mistake. You can tell then they can either love you and support you in this difficult time, or they can fvck off.
> 
> About the house... do you want to stay there with someone who treats you like that? Legally, he can't make you leave. What do you want to do?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


I just need time to find a new place is all I don't want the house he bought it with his money for us but if the relationship is over then he can have it and I won't fight him on it. He insists on me keeping the car though, Not sure how I feel about that honestly. I told him I am more than happy to remain friends and be there for any support or anything he needs and it just enraged him. I don't understand why he is acting like this I was faithful I didn't ghost him for weeks and also didn't think about stepping out on my relationship. Just really frustrating and even more hurtful because he knows I still care and deeply inlove with him.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

I have an idea who the other girl is but he hasn't said whom or anything like that and I don't care to know I mean what is the point?


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I just need time to find a new place is all I don't want the house he bought it with his money for us but if the relationship is over then he can have it and I won't fight him on it. He insists on me keeping the car though, Not sure how I feel about that honestly. I told him I am more than happy to remain friends and be there for any support or anything he needs and it just enraged him. I don't understand why he is acting like this I was faithful I didn't ghost him for weeks and also didn't think about stepping out on my relationship. Just really frustrating and even more hurtful because he knows I still care and deeply inlove with him.


Can you stay with a friend or your brother until you get back on your feet? Just to get away from him?

If the house was bought with his money, you have to at least get your name off the mortgage so you're not liable financially if he stops paying--so he needs to refinance as the only borrower.

I wouldn't want the car, either... but if he insists, I might just take it, sell it to get the cash, and tell him to fvck off.

No friendship. This tool doesn't deserve that from you. Limit any conversation/interaction to the logistics of getting your name off any shared bills/loans/whatever, and only do so when absolutely necessary. And then go completely no contact. It will be hard, but that is really going to be the best chance for you to heal.


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I just need time to find a new place is all I don't want the house he bought it with his money for us but if the relationship is over then he can have it and I won't fight him on it. He insists on me keeping the car though, Not sure how I feel about that honestly. I told him I am more than happy to remain friends and be there for any support or anything he needs and it just enraged him. I don't understand why he is acting like this I was faithful I didn't ghost him for weeks and also didn't think about stepping out on my relationship. Just really frustrating and even more hurtful because he knows I still care and deeply inlove with him.


 I may have missed it, but has he told you the circumstances of what happened? For example, who was she? Did they actually meet or just plan to meet? If they met, did they kiss, do other things of a sexual nature? Oral sex, touching? Where did they meet? A hotel? Her place? Your place? Did he leave because he had already done that or did he leave so that he would be free to meet her? 
I may be wrong, but he doesnt seem to have told you anything and 'nearly cheating' can mean anything.


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I have an idea who the other girl is but he hasn't said whom or anything like that and I don't care to know I mean what is the point?


 So that you can make an informed decision based on what actually happened! 
IF they never actually met at all but just planned to, then thats very different from them meeting and doing things such as sexual touching. Until he is prepared to be honest about it and tell you what actually happened then what is the point? However if he will be a man and come clean, there may be room for talking.


----------



## Cooper

Diana7 said:


> I may have missed it, but has he told you the circumstances of what happened? For example, who was she? Did they actually meet or just plan to meet? If they met, did they kiss, do other things of a sexual nature? Oral sex, touching? Where did they meet? A hotel? Her place? Your place? Did he leave because he had already done that or did he leave so that he would be free to meet her?
> I may be wrong, but he doesnt seem to have told you anything and 'nearly cheating' can mean anything.


Diana did you also miss the fact that he simply disappeared for two weeks? No warning, no fight, he just stopped coming home and wouldn't respond to her calls or text. In my opinion that alone would have made me end the relationship. Then he comes home and gives her the BS story that he disappeared because he was working on a surprise...so surprise here's a brand new car! Then he gets angry at her because she wants to postpone the wedding until they figure things out. Then only after a few days of badgering did he confess he had almost cheated and he wanted to cheat...but didn't.

At this point would you care about the details? Is there anything left to put in perspective? His actions and responses are all a normal person needs to figure out this guy is not someone you can trust or depend on and he certainly isn't marriage material.


----------



## MJJEAN

Diana7 said:


> So that you can make an informed decision based on what actually happened!
> IF they never actually met at all but just planned to, then thats very different from them meeting and doing things such as sexual touching. Until he is prepared to be honest about it and tell you what actually happened then what is the point? However if he will be a man and come clean, there may be room for talking.


What happened was the man disappeared for a couple weeks without warning or responding to calls and messages then reappeared with a car and a bullsh!t story about "almost cheating".

If anyone believes he ghosted his fiancee for 2 weeks and _didn't_ cheat, I got a bridge to sell you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

You did the right thing OP. The issue isn't whether he cheated, the issue is that he's not marriage material right now; he's not ready to give up other women and he didn't want to tell you that.

Two possible reasons I can think of: 
1. He's not mature enough to face up to it like a grown man
2. He wants to hang onto you while he cake eats

It's possible he could be marriage material one day but he's shown you a part of his character.....a part of his character that doesn't bode well for marriage.

He deals with difficult topics by ghosting, and there will be many difficult topics as you go forward with your married life.

Stop spinning your wheels over whether he actually slept with someone or who the OW is.....it's irrelevant. The guy's not marriage material.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@Fem_Lindsey sorry to say but I suspect the reaction from friends and family are probably based on his appearance of wealth. People suck up to those they feel are wealthy. I live in a pretty well off area, and I see it all the time. Even well educated, professionals (lawyers, accountants, etc.) suck up to people with bigger houses, etc. In fact, a few of them who W and I are friends with were very standoffish for a while until they realized we just liked them (kids in sports together). Once they realized we were pretty well off and not interested in showing it or sucking up to them, they warmed up.

You said he's a trust fund kid - I'm sorry to say that can really screw people up. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink

TheTruthHurts said:


> @Fem_Lindsey sorry to say but I suspect the reaction from friends and family are probably based on his appearance of wealth. People suck up to those they feel are wealthy. I live in a pretty well off area, and I see it all the time. Even well educated, professionals (lawyers, accountants, etc.) suck up to people with bigger houses, etc. In fact, a few of them who W and I are friends with were very standoffish for a while until they realized we just liked them (kids in sports together). Once they realized we were pretty well off and not interested in showing it or sucking up to them, they warmed up.
> 
> You said he's a trust fund kid - I'm sorry to say that can really screw people up.


I think this is pretty on target. Some people think that someone with a lot of money if a "good catch" even if they're a sh!tty person/relationship partner. But they say you get what you pay for... 

And you wrote that you didn't tell anyone what happened, that you kept his disappearance from everyone, because you were embarrassed and ashamed. The next time someone tells you that you're wrong, tell them the whole story of how he just didn't come home one day and refused to answer any of your calls or texts... and when he finally came back a few weeks later, he did nothing but tell you lies, got angry with you when you said you wanted to postpone the wedding because of the disappearance, and then he tried to buy you off with a car, and how awful and immature he's been since. Tell it just like that. I think many people will change their tune quickly.


----------



## Diana7

MJJEAN said:


> What happened was the man disappeared for a couple weeks without warning or responding to calls and messages then reappeared with a car and a bullsh!t story about "almost cheating".
> 
> If anyone believes he ghosted his fiancee for 2 weeks and _didn't_ cheat, I got a bridge to sell you.


 Thats why in her position I would want to know the details.


----------



## Blondilocks

If anyone has the nerve to tell you that you were wrong, tell them it is none of their business. It isn't their life nor their future on the line. All they need to know is that it didn't work out.

Are you sure you want to be 'friends' with this fella? You can see where he would find that insulting. Although, responding with anger seems to be his go-to emotion.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

I couldn't probably stay with my brother and he and his wife would allow me to and all but I just don't wanna be a bother to em now with a Toddler running around and her expecting there second child. I came home and all his stuff was moved into the guest bedroom tried talking to him again but all I got was silence. I hope I am not hurting him, I mean I know what he did to me was inexcusable and all but I do still love him and care and just worry I am hurting him. Everyone says I have made the right choice but it just honestly doesn't feel like it. My brother is coming to pick me up in the morning and we are gonna go look for apartments so I can try and get out of here and out of his hair as quickly as possible. I don't know what we are going to do with our dogs we both want them and I don't know how on earth we are going to work that out. Do you guys ever have that inner fight? Like I am fighting myself and resisting the urge to go back to him and try and work things out but I know I shouldn't. His best friends wife texted me today while I was at work and said he didn't cheat and that he is just now really depressed. Which is probably what is making me have this inner battle.


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I couldn't probably stay with my brother and he and his wife would allow me to and all but I just don't wanna be a bother to em now with a Toddler running around and her expecting there second child. I came home and all his stuff was moved into the guest bedroom tried talking to him again but all I got was silence. I hope I am not hurting him, I mean I know what he did to me was inexcusable and all but I do still love him and care and just worry I am hurting him. Everyone says I have made the right choice but it just honestly doesn't feel like it. My brother is coming to pick me up in the morning and we are gonna go look for apartments so I can try and get out of here and out of his hair as quickly as possible. I don't know what we are going to do with our dogs we both want them and I don't know how on earth we are going to work that out. Do you guys ever have that inner fight? Like I am fighting myself and resisting the urge to go back to him and try and work things out but I know I shouldn't. His best friends wife texted me today while I was at work and said he didn't cheat and that he is just now really depressed. Which is probably what is making me have this inner battle.


 I honestly dont know how you can make an informed decision until he comes clean and tells you exactly what happened with the OW. I would have talked to him immediately and found out what they did. Did they actually meet? Did they actually kiss/touch? 

If they never actually met, but just planned to, then surely that is more forgivable than if they met, went to bed, did lots of sexual touching but didnt actually have full sex?

For me this would be vital. You are making decisions without even knowing what actually happened.


----------



## Satya

Lindsey, don't be clingy, ok? It will only give him an excuse to make you feel bad. 

You need to be STRONG and avoid him until you can move out. 

Do NOT offer to stay his friend. He is NO friend of yours. You are done, you need to act like it. 

I know it's hard to hear but just stay with your brother. Help babysit, help cook, help clean, look for work or whatever else you need to do to get your own place. 

If the car is truly yours, just take it and sell it. If it's his, tell him you dont want it. 

The people upset at you, you're caring too much about. They have no idea about things from your perspective and they don't live your life. YOU DO.


----------



## Cooper

Of coarse he's hurting and he should be, you're not hurting him he did that to himself, he is being held accountable for his actions and he doesn't like it. I don't know this guy but from what you have told us I would guess right now he is emotionally manipulating you, what he does and says is meant to cause you pain when his agenda should be begging for your forgiveness. Has he once come to you with his heart in his hand apologizing for what he did? Apologizing for the pain and trauma he caused you by disappearing for two weeks? Acknowledged HE screwed up badly and is sorry he made such a mess of things? Has he offered to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again? Even if it means 100% transparency, postponing the wedding, going to therapy, or how about coming clean what the hell he was doing and thinking day to day the couple of weeks he disappeared? When you look at him does he show true remorse for what happened? Does he have a shred of understanding the true pain this has caused you? Or is it just about him? 

This situation absolutely sucks, and still seeing each other every day makes it all the harder. You really need time and space to clear your thinking and let your emotions settle down. It is obvious you are on the fence about ending this relationship, this goes against my better judgement but I would say hold off on apartment hunting for at least two weeks, you don't want to sign a lease and than end up getting back together. Stay with your brother for two weeks, get some clarity, minimize contact with your ex, and do not go have sex with him, you need some emotional detachment to think logically.

Read some relationship books, talk to a therapist, talk with friends, come to terms with what has happened and what coarse of action is best for you and your well being.


----------



## lucy999

Hang tough. You're being proactive in looking for apartments. Good for you. Like I said before, your self-respect must be very strong. Because you will not stand for his BS. Keep respecting yourself and Forge ahead. You will do just fine. I know it's easier said than done, but try right now to turn off your heart and lead with your head. Common Sense thinking is your friend right now. What he did to you was super duper eggregious. Don't let your heart muddy the waters. You and a bunch of strangers on the internet who have been through hell with cheating spouses know that you have done the right thing. Don't let emotions play a part right now. Hang in there honey.

You are doing nothing wrong. In fact, you are doing everything right. Take it one day at a time.

Eta: I do hope you revisit the possibility of living with your brother just for a short time. You have got to get out of that house. Who knows? You might be a tremendous help to your sister-in-law, especially with a toddler and a baby on the way. She might need an extra set of hands.


----------



## Blondilocks

His best friend's wife doesn't know jack. And, her husband is the one who would just send you away with the explanation that fiance didn't want to talk - not a lot of empathy expressed there. They are his friends - not yours.

I might be out of my ever lovin' mind; but, if this man really wanted to marry you he would be moving heaven and earth to win you back. Not throwing himself a giant pity party. 

Stop trying to soothe him.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

To me this seems cut and dry and I'm not sure I would need to know anything further.

If my fiance disappeared for two weeks, didn't contact me in any way, didn't respond to my pleas, and then came home with a car and told me that she thought about cheating on me, really wanted to cheat on me, but decided not to.

It would be over. WTF else is there to talk about? WTF else do you need to know about his character?

Get your name off the mortgage. Sell the car for cash. 

It hurts now but it would hurt 100 times more after you marry him, and 1000 times more after you have kids with him. Mourn the relationship that you once knew, for as long as it takes, and move on. You deserve respect.


----------



## Spicy

These are his consequences. The dude is mass sketchy. You dodged a big bullet. 

Stop trying to talk to him or comfort him. He should be grovelling, not you. Radio silence.

Get out into your own apartment where you can breathe air that isn't filled with cheaters dust, and your mind and emotions will get a lot clearer. You deserve way better, and will get it. Cyberhug sweetheart.


----------



## browser

Just a reminder that he at least "almost cheated".

This before you even got married. Before you spent the next 10 years together and the excitement dies down making it even more likely for cheating to occur. 

He's the cheating type. 

Even if he didn't he will.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Diana7 said:


> I honestly dont know how you can make an informed decision until he comes clean and tells you exactly what happened with the OW. I would have talked to him immediately and found out what they did. Did they actually meet? Did they actually kiss/touch?
> 
> If they never actually met, but just planned to, then surely that is more forgivable than if they met, went to bed, did lots of sexual touching but didnt actually have full sex?
> 
> For me this would be vital. You are making decisions without even knowing what actually happened.


I don't know what difference it would make in all honesty, He thought about cheating a few months away from our wedding day. I understand it was a thought but on top of that, he ghosted me for so long. I don't know it feels like ending this was premature and a mistake and I do still love him but I just can't get past all of it bundled togeather I suppose. Other then that went and looked at apartments and almost found on, Brother still wants me to just move in for a little bit with him and his wife But like I said I don't want to pile onto an already full house. I got home from apartment search and he had a bunch of flowers basically filled the kitchen with him and a note saying sorry and that he still loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me. Ya know how confusing that is for my heart and emotions? Ugh I need to get my own place fast and I also saw an attorney with my brother today well its my brothers attorney and discussed everything with him or at least tried to.


----------



## xMadame

go to MC. He got cold feet and acted like a tit because he was scared but he managed to get his ass back home to you.

Ghosting was stupid and immature.

He almost cheated but didnt. 

It can be fixed and you both still love each other so why put yourselves through the turmoil.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ShatteredKat

just a thought - He doesn't want to get married - reason doesn't matter. 
He is to immature or to stupid/lacking intelligence to face up to you and everyone else and say he has cold feet.
You have been blessed - you dodged a bullet!

Not sure what the % is but I think getting married is a bit similar to gambling. And it is hard work - your "ghost"
isn't anywhere willing to work on anything it sounds like.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

xMadame said:


> go to MC. He got cold feet and acted like a tit because he was scared but he managed to get his ass back home to you.
> 
> Ghosting was stupid and immature.
> 
> He almost cheated but didnt.
> 
> It can be fixed and you both still love each other so why put yourselves through the turmoil.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He almost cheated but didn't, sure. (Assuming he is finally being honest - I'm not sure). He tucked tail and ran and went dark on his fiancé for two weeks over pre-wedding jitters. 

OP - life doesn't get easier. The stress doesn't go away as you get older. In fact it grows exponentially: marriage, house, bills, careers, KIDS. What will he do with the stress of a newborn at home? Take off and leave you for a week with a baby at home?

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Willing to roll the dice?

I'm not trying to be a [email protected] here. A lot of guys, most probably, experience some form of cold feet prior to marriage. I think that's normal. But the way he disappeared for weeks and then admits to wanting to cheat on you a few months before you are married? To each their own I suppose but not for me thank you.

Speaking of stress - take up your brothers offer to stay with them temporarily. If they have a baby at home they could use an extra set of hands.


----------



## Openminded

You'll never know if he's telling the truth or not. He can say he is but that doesn't mean he really is -- although he certainly might be. That's the hard part of dealing with someone who's broken your trust. You don't know what to believe. It's obviously not an easy way to live (BTDT).


----------



## Satya

Lindsey, how people handle big things in life is a very good indicator of how reliable and dependable they will be in the future, over things big and small. 

So, he ghosted you just before the wedding. 
Imagine him ghosting you when:

You find out you're pregnant. 
You're at the hospital giving birth. 
You get a big promotion at work. 
One of your most beloved family members passes away. 
It's your anniversary.
It's your birthday. 
Is your child's birthday.
Your power gets turned off for lack of payment. 
Your car is broken down on the highway. 
You're in the ER. 
You find out your best friend has a terminal disease. 

I could go on. Of course all of these things are made up, but my point is, once you are Stonewalled as he did to you, you simply can't trust a man to be dependable. You'll always wonder if he'll run away when life gets real. 

If he'd reached out to explain himself to you, and acted like he had real remorse, I'd not be posting this. But that's not what he did, and you called him on it. 

You have to do what's best for you. I personally feel that you can do much better.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

He has shown remorse but it was after the fact but it is still remorse none the less. I also found a place today and I signed the lease and will move in over this coming weekend. He wanted to talk to me tonight but I couldn't and just went to the bedroom and locked myself away, I know he is trying to win me back and I know that If I let him he probably would win me back because I still love him. This isn't easy and feels so incredibly awful.


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He has shown remorse but it was after the fact but it is still remorse none the less. I also found a place today and I signed the lease and will move in over this coming weekend. He wanted to talk to me tonight but I couldn't and just went to the bedroom and locked myself away, I know he is trying to win me back and I know that If I let him he probably would win me back because I still love him. This isn't easy and feels so incredibly awful.


Be strong. You know what's best for you. Don't let other people manipulate you into something that isn't in your best interest.


----------



## Cooper

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He has shown remorse but it was after the fact but it is still remorse none the less. I also found a place today and I signed the lease and will move in over this coming weekend. He wanted to talk to me tonight but I couldn't and just went to the bedroom and locked myself away, I know he is trying to win me back and I know that If I let him he probably would win me back because I still love him. This isn't easy and feels so incredibly awful.


Fem_Lindsey I don't think you mentioned much history with this guy, now that he ghosted you and confessed to wanting to cheat did the that sound any alarm bells from past behavior? Were there other things he has done during your relationship that you just accepted but now recognize as a pattern to his behavior? Things like lying about where he's at or who he's with, not coming home when he should be, ignoring your wishes and always doing what he wants. How about password protecting all his devises and not giving you the passwords? Do you ever check credit card statements or phone history? Are you involved with the finances? Do you ever hang out with his friends? Does he vacation without you? Has he been excited about getting married and helping with planning? 

I'm trying to get a sense of the guy, if there are things in your relationship history that has upset you maybe now you can start putting the pieces together and realize overall what kind of person he is, and that may make things a bit easier on you now looking at the big picture. I find it hard to believe a man who could disappear for two weeks so easily hasn't shown signs of his lack of compassion and commitment in the past.

Even if this episode is the only major conflict you have had during your relationship I think you are doing the right thing, in my opinion it was bad enough to end the relationship over, and I know that's a painful decision. What your ex did is not normal behavior, there is something way off kilter with him.


----------



## lucy999

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I also found a place today and I signed the lease and will move in over this coming weekend.


Wow that is great news. I know it doesn't feel great. Later on down the line, it will become crystal clear to you that you dodged a bullet. Good for you.


----------



## turnera

Lindsey, if you two really love each other, get him into counseling. You two are in no hurry to marry. Live apart, insist on counseling, and if he flakes out on that, then you'll have your answer. If he continues in counseling, either with you or on his own, he will likely figure out why he's done what he's done, and find ways to become a better person. If that happens, maybe you two can marry down the road sometime.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@Fem_Lindsey moving out is the best thing you can do.

It's ok to still love him.

He has real work to do before he can commit to ANYONE so this isn't really about you.

Once you are "single" again and have some distance and a little time, both your heads will clear.

If, 6 months from now, you started to "date" again and test the waters, you will be in a much stronger position long term.

I dated my W 6 years and have been married nearly 30 more. But she did dump me at one point. She didn't think we were right for each other though we loved each other. No one supported her which I think is awful and I know it created doubts. But in the long run she worked through her issues and we resumed and the rest is history. And BTW we never did anything so hurtful to each other. But anyway, if it's meant to be, it will restart with no problems in 6 months. So don't feel it's all in your shoulders right now


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Btw if he really loves you, he'll still be there. And he will have learned consequences which, sadly, his parents may have been too weak to enforce growing up. So unfortunately, you might be the one who ends up building his character. And that's what's important in the long run - character is reflected when bad things happen or we're called upon to make tough choices. Standing up for yourself and saying "TIME OUT - I'M NOT OK WITH THIS" takes character. Because it's HARD


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7

turnera said:


> Lindsey, if you two really love each other, get him into counseling. You two are in no hurry to marry. Live apart, insist on counseling, and if he flakes out on that, then you'll have your answer. If he continues in counseling, either with you or on his own, he will likely figure out why he's done what he's done, and find ways to become a better person. If that happens, maybe you two can marry down the road sometime.


 Agreed.


----------



## Satya

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw if he really loves you, he'll still be there. And he will have learned consequences which, sadly, his parents may have been too weak to enforce growing up. So unfortunately, you might be the one who ends up building his character. And that's what's important in the long run - character is reflected when bad things happen or we're called upon to make tough choices. Standing up for yourself and saying "TIME OUT - I'M NOT OK WITH THIS" takes character. Because it's HARD
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


While I agree with this sentiment, I don't recommend it. A lot of loving, well - intentioned young women waste their time with a "work in progress" only to find their years are gone and they are resentful they didn't focus on a "ready man."

It's his responsibility now to get his stuff together and be a man, and that should involve him getting good role models into his life and ejecting bad ones, forming friendships with dependable men of good character, learning all the lessons his parents may have failed to impart. Usually the self improvement motivation doesn't occur until they really lose something good and close. By then it's usually to late to win back what was lost. It can only do good carrying forward. 

This is why experienced women tell women not to fall hard and to watch a man's actions closely. I could have used that sage advice right between the eyes when I was younger. I kept falling for works in progress because I felt I could save them. Felt guilty when I couldn't. Felt less guilty as I got older and realized that everyone is responsible for their own fate.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

He and I sat down tonight after we both got home from work and had a very long talk which was civil and rather eye-opening and I want to give him another shot but I just know everyone will think that is the wrong move. I don't know he and I might try and go get some counseling and maybe give it a go. I don't know I just know our long talk kind of put me at ease and also made me feel like I jumped the gun on everything. Honestly after this talk he didn't cheat but going forward he is gonna have to prove things to me. And I am still moving out and going to get my own space.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Don't worry about opinions here. We give them freely (and earnestly).

Many may not agree with your path. But we will try our best to offer you advice on your chosen path.

I'm in the camp that he isn't husband material. I've made that clear. But I have no objections to you stepping back and trying to work it out. I think living apart is a good step. Counseling would be good as well. It can help give you clarity one way or the other.


----------



## Andy1001

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He and I sat down tonight after we both got home from work and had a very long talk which was civil and rather eye-opening and I want to give him another shot but I just know everyone will think that is the wrong move. I don't know he and I might try and go get some counseling and maybe give it a go. I don't know I just know our long talk kind of put me at ease and also made me feel like I jumped the gun on everything. Honestly after this talk he didn't cheat but going forward he is gonna have to prove things to me. And I am still moving out and going to get my own space.


I went through an engagement break up last year and we are back together now.Circumstances are different from your own breakup,we were apart for ten weeks and then it turned out my gf was pregnant with my baby.Neither of us cheated and speaking for myself sex with another woman was the last thing on my mind.The best bit of advice I can give you is to live apart for a while,date each other,spend lots of time together but do not move back in with each other.After a couple or three months have a talk and see how do you feel about each other.
Your bf has to do the heavy lifting here,it was him disappeared,then said he nearly cheated.He needs to give you all the information you need about who he was tempted to cheat with and needs to cut her out of his and your life completely.
The most important thing here is he has to earn your trust and if he doesn't do that then you should break up with him permanently.
I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Davidmidwest

Hi,

Sorry to hear that. All you can do is what you did. Recoup the money. You will lose some but throw it up to doing business. You chased him enough to find out why. It would be nice to get an explanation. People really don't do anything wrong, something occurs within them, or you or he sees something that say's danger. He could have cold feet, his parents friends talked him out of it, but to go from 110 degrees to arctic subzero is an issue. He could have been thinking he is not good enough or he saw, heard, or you may of interacted in a way that her percieved as a deal-breaker and does not want to talk about it. It is highlyy strange to have been with this man for so long and for it to turn out this way. Don't beat yourself up about it like I do. Lucky to find out now and move on, give it some space and put everything on hold.

i would not cancel anything or get money back, but postpone the wedding. Emotions are high and if either of you rush the split without proper discernment you both could lose out on a grand relationship. Take it slow, think, leave the door open. This also could be a test to see each of your resolve to weather a rough patch. Again give it time, It is a time for seeking prayer, employing trust, giving the benefit of the doubt, grace,faith, forgiveness, gifts, support, creating memories and see if you can tolerate your and his faults or accept them and support your man works. When you are married we are so into the moment that the items of above that are the most important above work and money take precedence and lose track of our lover, mate, marriage partner.
Take it slow, don't make any decision yet, but do put the wedding of for another six months. Stay positive, learn, and have resilience. There will be other things that will knock the wind out of you so have the fortitude to strong or lose your identity of who you are and what you are.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He and I sat down tonight after we both got home from work and had a very long talk which was civil and rather eye-opening and I want to give him another shot but I just know everyone will think that is the wrong move. I don't know he and I might try and go get some counseling and maybe give it a go. I don't know I just know our long talk kind of put me at ease and also made me feel like I jumped the gun on everything. Honestly after this talk he didn't cheat but going forward he is gonna have to prove things to me. And I am still moving out and going to get my own space.




Ok then - you've chosen a course of action that you believe is the best one given a bad hand. 

Just DON'T feel guilty for "jumping the gun". 

It's VERY common for BS and people reacting to partner problems to second guess themselves. WS and almost WS are very, very good at spinning a tale that makes YOU feel like the bad guy. Seriously - keep that in mind and KNOW you did not jump the gun at all - you slammed on the brakes because he tore up your heart and left you alone, vulnerable, and questioning everything. HE did that. If this sit down has you in the defensive then know that's a red flag.

Beyond that warning, I wish you well on this. The truth is that we all were alarmed by his behavior and if anything, erred on the side of protecting you.

Please keep posting so you have an independent place to work through things.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

He didn't make me feel like the bad guy at all during our talk and actually kept apologizing and saying it was all his fault and he didn't know what got into him. No matter what right now I feel like I am the bad guy and it is incredibly frustrating and just confusing. I am gonna keep him at arms length for awhile and see how he does with the counseling and some of the other things I laid out to him. Just want to see if I can make this work feel bad throwing away a long term relationship.


----------



## Cooper

I think you are doing the mature thing, a much better approach than he took. You recognize things have turned upside down and you want to work together and figure out why, that's how adults do it. You should not feel guilty about some separation, he has to see things from your perspective, he has to realize his actions were so far over the top that it scared the crap out of you and hurt you deeply, you can't sweep that kind of thing under the rug. Any logical person would take a step back and re evaluate what they were getting into.


----------



## Blondilocks

Did he reveal who the woman was and why he picked her?


----------



## Satya

Blondilocks said:


> Did he reveal who the woman was and why he picked her?


You need full transparency from him, Lindsey, or this will go nowhere. Him being sorry but not giving you the full truth doesn't cut it. Anyone can cry crocodile years. 










And yes I realize this may not apply completely, but his behavior should reflect the reconciliation column.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Blondilocks said:


> Did he reveal who the woman was and why he picked her?


Yes, and it was whom I thought it was and it wasn't he who picked her she has been hitting on him for awhile and showed me all the texts and messages and she initiated the contact. So it feels like I have the full story right now and that has definitely put me at ease with him and making it feel like this can be worked through togeather. If it burns me it burns me but I want to at least give it a try and if it is a mistake and he ****s up then so be it but I rather at least know from my side that I tried everything and tried to at least save it ya know?


----------



## FeministInPink

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Yes, and it was whom I thought it was and it wasn't he who picked her she has been hitting on him for awhile and showed me all the texts and messages and she initiated the contact. So it feels like I have the full story right now and that has definitely put me at ease with him and making it feel like this can be worked through togeather. If it burns me it burns me but I want to at least give it a try and if it is a mistake and he ****s up then so be it but I rather at least know from my side that I tried everything and tried to at least save it ya know?


So what if she pursued him? He should have shut that **** down immediately. He is still responsible for his actions, and it doesn't lessen his responsibility any because "she started it."

{Moderator Note: I spelled out the profanity. Please follow forum rules in regards to the profanity filter.

8. Filter Bypass/Obscenity: A profanity filter is in place and any attempts to bypass it are forbidden. You MAY type words that are filtered, as long as they are not abusive towards other quests or violate any other rules; however, you must allow the filter to do its job. Do NOT try to filter the word yourself and do not try to use creative spelling to bypass the profanity filter. Also, posting images of videos of obscene gestures, linking to obscene web sites, posting obscene or graphic descriptions of a decidedly adult nature, and violating a standard of decent behavior is not allowed.

February 21st is the deadline for full enforcement of the measure.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

FeministInPink said:


> So what if she pursued him? He should have shut that **** down immediately. He is still responsible for his actions, and it doesn't lessen his responsibility any because "she started it."




I completely agree!




But... I also totally get that you want to save this - I guess you're the KISA going to save you both.

Your eyes are open. 

What did he say about the ghosting? Did you list all the other difficulties you'll have as a couple (sorry I don't recall who posted that list)? What was his reaction? I would think that if he initiates the healing and the reassurances and is tending to you... and not worrying about himself... then that's a good thing?

Also - ask him what he'll do the next time someone comes into him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## drifting on

I have many issues or questions to your situation. I think you made the right decision in calling it off and moving out. As for his best friends wife, tell her to Fock off. Ask her if she would accept her husband thinking of cheating. Ask her if she would accept texts and messages about thinking of cheating. Ask her if her husband didn't acknowledge her or come home for two weeks. Then ask her what kind of she would think her husband is now. Obviously she has many issues herself go tell you to take him back. Did this best friends wife say at all about what you felt?

What you have in your exbf/ or bf is an emotionally unstable person. One who knows of one way to handle a problem, run. He becomes angry because he shuts you out for two weeks with no contact over getting married. He gets angry when you call it off and wants you out of the house immediately. Then says to keep the car he purchased for you. What a great guy. Do you know what that car represents? How about he says this, here honey I thought of cheating on you, we texted and messaged but I couldn't go through with it. Since I didn't go through with it I began to get cold feet to our marriage. But since I'm such a great guy I bought you a car, I sure hope you have fun riding around in guilty conscious gift!! I mean why would the car represent that I almost cheated, why should it represent the fact I abandoned you? 

Do you see what I mean here OP? His answer to every problem is money, which translates to flowers, car, etc. this isn't remorse. He is only feeling guilt, until he gives you a gift, and then he feels he is square with the house so to say. This is a person who is not ready for any kind of relationship, he is shallow and fake, not to mention a fraud. He's a fraud as he is using gifts as payment, when he should have given you his heart. 

Best of luck to you. Taking him back in any way was a huge mistake in my opinion. I'm not in too good of a mood today so if my post seemed harsh I will say this in advance, I'm sorry.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

I understand everyone here feels it is a mistake but it is a mistake that will be on me if it doesn't work out or comes to fruition. I just feel like if we can work through this and get over this hump then it will make us stronger people and give us a stronger relationship. Just invested too much time into this relationship to walk away although I don't know anymore if that even holds true. I just know that I got him to finally be honest and open with me and I think if he can keep on doing that and work with me then what is the harm?


----------



## Diana7

Fem_Lindsey said:


> He and I sat down tonight after we both got home from work and had a very long talk which was civil and rather eye-opening and I want to give him another shot but I just know everyone will think that is the wrong move. I don't know he and I might try and go get some counseling and maybe give it a go. I don't know I just know our long talk kind of put me at ease and also made me feel like I jumped the gun on everything. Honestly after this talk he didn't cheat but going forward he is gonna have to prove things to me. And I am still moving out and going to get my own space.


Has he told what did happen and the circumstances? 

My advise if you do want to give it another go is to put off the wedding indefinitely and give him lots of time to prove himself.


----------



## Fem_Lindsey

Sorry I haven't responded to you all in a few days I was moving to my new place. But things haven't really changed, We will be starting couples therapy next week and move from there. But it does feel really good to have my own place again for some reason and have some space. They never met face to face if that is what you are asking but I suppose it still qualifies as an emotional affair? I don't know, I just know that I do want to work through this trying time and see if this can be salvaged.


----------



## Andy1001

Fem_Lindsey said:


> Sorry I haven't responded to you all in a few days I was moving to my new place. But things haven't really changed, We will be starting couples therapy next week and move from there. But it does feel really good to have my own place again for some reason and have some space. They never met face to face if that is what you are asking but I suppose it still qualifies as an emotional affair? I don't know, I just know that I do want to work through this trying time and see if this can be salvaged.


Moving out is a good idea as is couples therapy.The biggest sticking point I see is the two weeks he ghosted you.You have no idea what he was up to,he could have been anywhere and an emotional affair is normally carried out while a couple are together.You do not say where this other girl lives,is she in another state or another country.Can you check whether he traveled while you were apart.These are questions that you can ask in counselling but I would be surprised if you get the whole truth.
I am not a betting man but I think this feeling you have is relief and I would bet that you will start to enjoy being on your own and will grow stronger within yourself as a result.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I'm late to the discussion. I'll put my comments on what I see based on the picture you drew for us. Maybe it will help.

I'm guessing there is 4 - 5 years difference in age between the 2 of you? It appears that he is your first BF - at least first serious BF - but he has more overall experience with previous serious relationships. I could be wrong on the age gap, but my guess is that he's emotionally stunted and needs a younger woman to be able to relate to someone on his level of emotional maturity.

He is a trust fund baby. If he has a job, it's either a ho hum job for something to fill in the time or if it's a good job he's not ever going to be fully committed to it based on his trust fun that he can always fall back on. He definitely sounds entitled and thinks that he can buy his way out of a problem.

He's a ****ty communicator, and he's also not much of a thinker. He's the type of guy that will shoot from the hip and then worry about ramifications later. Very impulsive. 

He lives life as a victim. Everything is someone else's fault. It's not his fault that he has a failure to commitment - he was cheated on in a previous relationship. It's not his fault that he almost cheated. The girl kept coming onto him. Etc. etc...

He's rich, so I guess he's got that going for him...


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Fem_Lindsey said:


> I understand everyone here feels it is a mistake but it is a mistake that will be on me if it doesn't work out or comes to fruition. I just feel like if we can work through this and get over this hump then it will make us stronger people and give us a stronger relationship. Just invested too much time into this relationship to walk away although I don't know anymore if that even holds true. I just know that I got him to finally be honest and open with me and I think if he can keep on doing that and work with me then what is the harm?


It's definitely your choice as to what you want to do. You have zero reason to want to impress us or worry about what we think. It's not like you'll ever meet any of us IRL. I'll throw out 2 comments for you to consider.

Dating is very much like a job interview. For most, the ultimate goal is to find a mate. That's why we date. So you need to ask yourself at some point during the "interview" process did your BF blow it? Is ghosting your fiance for two weeks while debating whether he should pursue a relationship with some online girl or not ground for automatic dismissal? I know my answer to that, but your need to figure that out on your own. One thing I know is to have very high standards and to observe your dates keenly. After you choose and you get married, THEN keeping that more open approach to working out major issues. A spouse is worth the time and effort to tackle difficult life experiences. A BF/GF not so much. JMHO.

The guy has money. I guess you should not dismiss it out of hand and should be a consideration. It all depends on your values as to whether this is an important factor in a spouse or not. When a bunch of people IRL got mad at you, I suspect this was the biggest reason why. 

Sunk cost fallacy: https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/tools/lp/Bo/LogicalFallacies/173/Sunk-Cost-Fallacy


----------



## ale.sweetie

i am telling you after i broke up with my fiance before 4 months from the wedding and got back together..run, run and run and find a man who is there anytime for you..people are not changing


----------

