# How do I trust again?



## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

In June of 2010, I found some texts on my husbands phone that suggested he was having an affair. I kicked him out of the house, and he left until september. The whole time he was gone, I would ask him if he was seeing someone else, he always said no I would never do that to you. Come September he moves back home, and I get an email from his girlfriend..... Turns out he was cheating on me for about 7 months. He had sex with her without a condom (which to me is a HUGE thing, especially since we were still intimate). When I found out, he told me it was over, though told his gf that he was getting divorced. Fast forward now to today. He is not cheating on me anymore ( i talked to his gf for a long time, and I know she would never take him back). Now I don't trust him at all, question every where he is, go through his phone and emails all the time, always think he is cheating on me with someone new.
Last night we had a talk, and I realized I have been very controlling of him since day 1. I always got my way even down to how and when the dishes should be done. He always did what I wanted, and I constantly put him down. I made him feel worthless, and like nothing. I feel really bad for being so controlling. I want to change that, and at the same time I feel like if I let go, and he cheats on me again, it would kill me. I guess even if I'm controlling it feels like it will kill me. I am so scared, have panic attacks when i don't know why he is home late (he works late hours). I want to go through his phone and email so badly, but i know i need to let him be his own person (something i have never allowed to happen). I have lost about 24 pounds, am smoking way to much, and I don't really know what to do now....


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

oh, friend--i hear you! i have sat in your seat and said those exact same words. actually, sometimes i still do. 

hubby cheated on me a little over a year ago. we are working through it. i have recently come to realize how controling i can be, and that i like to controle things because, for the most part, i really don't trust people. kind of a lose-lose situation, and it is hard as anything to get over it.

i like the book "love busters" by harley. a lot of people here recomend his book overcoming infidelity, but love busters really helped me; as did beth moores new book "so long insecurity" she has this whole chapted about controling and reading emails and so on. 

let me tell you a little of what's on the other side. when you stop asking/demanding things, hubby is free to do them because he wants to. an example that comes to mind immediately for me is flowers. as part of our working it out, i told him that fresh flowers weekly would mean so very much to me. so, every weekend, he bought me some. but it became mechanical. like he was just doing it, not meaning it. so i thought long and hard and thanked him for the wonderful gifts, but i really didn't need them any more to proove his affection for me. a few weeks later, no prompting, he came in with a big bunch of them when he knew i was having a bad day. those freely given flowers ment so much. 

that said, i can tell you first hand that giving up control is a moment-by-moment battle. i'm still working through it.

sometimes it feels so unfair--that HE is the one who cheated and I am the one who has to change. but that's just the way it is, and--for me--my marrage is worth it.

i hope it goes well for you. good luck!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I read your situation, but i honestly didnt have to... The subject line asks the question...

Your relationship is different now. Most likely, you will not trust again... There will be "triggers" throughout your life that will stir up old feelings of mistrust and such. A song, a place, something you read in an email that will remind you of somewhere you are. All of these triggers are a permanent part of your life. 

With time, you will be able to manage the mistrust and you will adapt, but do not lie to yourself and believe that you will get that trust back.

The bottom line here is that you now know that he is capable of an E/A. before, the first evidence, you never even thought it was possible. But now... and for the rest of your life, you know otherwise. 

I am not saying to bail out, I am saying that you need to be a realist. The question is not "How do I trust again". You should be asking " How do i deal with my mistrust?"


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