# Recovery problems



## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

I have been in R for 7 months and everytime we make progress I keep saying or doing something that undoes the progress. I have gotten over wife's PA and I'm trying to build a stronger relationship going forward. I have realized a lot about myself that drove us apart. My wife feels like I will punish her for the rest of her life which is something I don't want to do but sometimes its just very hard to deal with all the things that has been said in MC and at home. I just want to go back to normal but sometimes things just come pouring out of me and I can't make myself stop talking until I say something stupid. Anyone else experiencing the same thing?
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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

She's being defensive, not a good sign of recovery at all.

And you're afraid of having slip ups or regressing back to square one? You shouldn't be, its a process and its a two steps forward one step back process.

And she should realize that and be understanding about it.

7 months is still a very short period of time for recovering completely from an affair.

Where's that true R vs false R image when you need it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

7 months for me in some ways was worse than 1 week post Dday

2-5 years to heal, if she isn't in it for a long haul then let her know she can be free


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please give us a specific example of how you are bringing up stuff and are unable to stop.

Did you seek out individual counseling?
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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

R arises out of your forgiveness and your wife should realize that.
If she is feeling that you are going to punish her for life, it is her error. She had PA and she should be willing to do whateverit takes to R.
Triggers and anger do not go away easily. Stay in the process of R.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you in MC? Reading any books? What exactly is she doing to help you?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

7 months is too soon to get over a PA. I don't know the severity of your outbursts but she should be a little more understanding.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Whenwillitend said:


> I have been in R for 7 months and everytime we make progress I keep saying or doing something that undoes the progress. I have gotten over wife's PA and I'm trying to build a stronger relationship going forward. I have realized a lot about myself that drove us apart. My wife feels like I will punish her for the rest of her life which is something I don't want to do but sometimes its just very hard to deal with all the things that has been said in MC and at home. I just want to go back to normal but sometimes things just come pouring out of me and I can't make myself stop talking until I say something stupid. Anyone else experiencing the same thing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow - some of this is exactly my situation. But listen up - you have not gotten over it. If you did, these things wouldn't keep pouring out. You just think you have.

If you go back to normal too fast, you wont' ever heal properly - things will come at you seemingly out of the blue for a long time.

My wife did the whole "you're just going to punish me forever" and "here we were making progress, and now you do this, and we're right back where we started" bit. But each time, she got over the outbursts and survived them. And now we are in a more mature place about our feelings (I won't get into that all now). You just have to let this stuff out. If she can't take it, then she isn't able to deal with consequences. My wife had an EA, not PA, and we are 14 months out. It's gotten better but we still have some rocky times where I wonder if we will make it.

Sit her down and tell her that you've done your research, and this could go on for a couple of years, sporadically. And if she can't handle that, maybe you guys should reconsider your R.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Your wife have to realize that her whining about your pace of recovery is only fueling the fire.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

She tried for a very long time to try to tell me something was wrong with our marriage and we should go to MC and in my stupidity I refused to listen and I refused MC. I guess I just stuck my head in the sand and pretended that everything was OK for a very long time. She just got tired of trying to fix our marriage by herself. I know I let her down for a very long time so I do have to take some of the blame. We are in MC and we are trying to fix things. She knows what she did wrong and I know what I did wrong. I also sometimes suffer from foot in mouth decease when I am trying to say something and it comes out completely wrong.
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Please give us a specific example of how you are bringing up stuff and are unable to stop.
> 
> Did you seek out individual counseling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Whenwillitend said:


> She tried for a very long time to try to tell me something was wrong with our marriage and we should go to MC and in my stupidity I refused to listen and I refused MC. I guess I just stuck my head in the sand and pretended that everything was OK for a very long time. She just got tired of trying to fix our marriage by herself. I know I let her down for a very long time so I do have to take some of the blame. We are in MC and we are trying to fix things. She knows what she did wrong and I know what I did wrong. I also sometimes suffer from foot in mouth decease when I am trying to say something and it comes out completely wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you me? My goodness this is eerie. Whenwillitend, if you have any specific questions you want to ask, please send me a private message. We have almost identical situations. I'm just 7 more months out from you.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Someone asked what was said. I tried to explain that the PA is not a trigger anymore and that I have actually turned a corner. Throw a couple of drinks into the mix and . what was well thought out in my head came out horribly wrong. I actually told her that someone gave me the advise to "ditch the *****" and that I was really pissed off that that was actually someones idea of help. Unfortunately that sentence is something I wish I could take back. The math formula of the day is.....drinks+recovery conversation=disaster
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Whenwillitend said:


> Someone asked what was said. I tried to explain that the PA is not a trigger anymore and that I have actually turned a corner. Throw a couple of drinks into the mix and . what was well thought out in my head came out horribly wrong. I actually told her that someone gave me the advise to "ditch the *****" and that I was really pissed off that that was actually someones idea of help. Unfortunately that sentence is something I wish I could take back. The math formula of the day is.....drinks+recovery conversation=disaster
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So this happened once in 7 months and she's pissed??

Not a good sign. not a good sign at all.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

Not the first time unfortunately so I see her point. I was told by MC to not drink together since it keeps happening but if you add on major changes workwise and not for the better on top of everything it just makes a lovely sh.t storm.
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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So this happened once in 7 months and she's pissed??
> 
> Not a good sign. not a good sign at all.



:iagree:

Why is she upset by a statement like that? I suspect half the people on here would give you that advice. She might not agree with the characterization, but the spirit is valid.

I don't hink you are in a real R. She is justifying her actions and you are going along with. Did you make mistakes. It sounds like it. But she is 100% liable for the affair and at 7 months she should be expecting turbulence.

On another note. Just lay off the sauce. It clearly isn't doing anything positive for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Whenwillitend said:


> Not the first time unfortunately so I see her point. I was told by MC to not drink together since it keeps happening but if you add on major changes workwise and not for the better on top of everything it just makes a lovely sh.t storm.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah it does 

You shouldn't feel like you have to stifle everything though. Your MC should be giving you ideas of what to do with all the anger.


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## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

So we actually had a major breakthrough. We had lunch today and we finally had an angry and resentment conversation that is probably the best conversation since we got married 9 years ago. We decided to write a list of do's and dont's and of things that trigger anger in both of us. I gues we had to get to this point to finally sit down and talk like adults. We both want to fix our problems but we both realized that we don't want to go back where we were years ago and that we are given a chance to start over . So I'm going to take her out out where we first met and start anew. I will keep u updated
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