# Newbie with a big problem - sorry this is a big long!



## minniemouse (Jun 15, 2011)

I got married just over 10 months ago and have had nothing but problems since around Novmeber last year – the first of which was, my DH has a very close female friend, who was the best ‘man’ at our wedding. It was her partners birthday in November and she threw him a big party. She got very very drunk and made a pass at my husband in front of everyone at the party – including her partner, who laughed it off as just being a bit drunk. My husband was also drunk, so rather than start a drunken fight I thought Id leave it a couple of days and have a rational discussion with him about it. He didn’t exactly reciprocate her advances but he didn’t back off from her either, which concerned me, otherwise Id have also just laughed it off. In fact when I approached him about it several days later he became very defensive and claimed Id never liked her and didn’t understand why Id had a problem with her when I knew her before I met him – which is true – she was an acquaintance, but not somebody I would have had in my close circle of friends as I regarded her as predatory – and it seems I was right. 
Anyway, after a tense discussion I agreed to let it go and say no more about it as long as when he went round to see her of an evening I went too, as I was (understandably!) feeling a little insecure. Whenever he goes to see her and I go however, they talk like im not even in the room and it disturbs me. Ive just started telling him now to go on his own because theres no point me being there. Last week he went to see her and when I asked what they had been chatting about (for 4 hours) he said ‘not much’ and that was pretty much all he said about it – until later on when he started the old conversation again about me not liking her and not trusting him etc etc – its all getting a bit tired now, and as much as he has said he wont see her again if it upsets me, you can hear the resentment in his voice as he doesn’t want to give up seeing his ‘friend’.

I recently found out also that he has been paying for premium porn websites on his credit card, yet he barely comes near me saying his job makes him very tired (he has a manual outdoor job) as he works long hours. He claims hes too tired to have a shower or have a shave more than twice a week, and has gained over 50lbs in the last four months alone – which in itself makes intimacy difficult, as Im only small, and to have him lying on top of me causes me actual physical pain. Hes also not very well endowed in that area (which wasn’t a problem until the weight gain) and its difficult in almost every position with his stomach being as big as it is – so its no wonder I don’t want to go near him and hes resorting to porn – but then he tries to blame me and all ive done is try and support him and get the family through a very tough time. 

Im not sure if the not washing and comfort eating is coming from depression – I suspect it is, as one of his adult children recently passed away after sustaining a brain injury, and its put a terrible strain on our relationship – well its put a strain on the entire family if Im honest as Ive been trying to hold everything together now for months while everything has just been going on around me. I just feel like what I have been trying to do to keep our relationship together is just useless and that my growing concerns over this other woman in his life, and my resentment at getting no appreciation from my husband for how Ive managed to keep everything together for everyone, is literally eating me up from the inside. Ive tried talking to him about everything that’s been going on but he just gets defensive, and twists what Im saying round to make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do about our marriage. 

The final straw came on my birthday last week, I had been hinting for a while about the kinds of things I would like for it (as he always asks me what I would like) and when I got in from work on my birthday he had bought me a half bottle of vodka, some flowers and some chocolates. He also gave me a card from him, and one from this other woman – who he happened to ‘bump in to’ at the same card shop that afternoon. My mind is literally spinning with negative thoughts about it, he completely ignored what I said I would like, and I suspect, had spent the afternoon with this other woman, as he said she wrote the card out in the shop, but the writing on the card is far too neat to have been written leaning up against a shop window. 

To think also that he left getting my birthday gifts until the actual day of my birthday shows he just isn’t thinking about me at all, and I feel like im the least important person in his life despite carrying everyone for the past 6 months and just having to cope with everything that has been going on. 
Id appreciate some advice – anything – that might help me see through all this and get to the heart of the problem, as whenever I talk to my husband he just makes me feel guilty, and Im just totally drained now and feel like I just need to get out.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You are his wife and you need to set some clear boundaries for yourself.

Instead of having another conversation get twisted around on you I would write him a letter.

In that letter I would let him know that you love him and you want to have a good marriage. Let him know that things cannot go on as they are , because you deserve better and you know your marriage will break down if it continues.

Firstly the other woman has to go. If he is willing to put his friendship with another woman before you, then he is not valuing you. He is at the very least having an emotional affair and he should be talking to you and confiding in you, not her. Moreover he should never allow himself to be put in a situation where he is alone with a woman who would make a pass at you. Also any person who does not stand up and say no to someone making a pass at them is a weak person.

The porn is bad news too. Porn does nothing to enhance sexual relationships, is highly addictive, it also creates unrealistic expectations of women, and sex. He certainly needs to give this up, and he should be focusing on you two, not porn.

I would tell him he needs to be pro active about his depression. He is the only person who can really do anything about it. There are a lot of natural ways to beat depression. Ca you guys exercise together, make sure you go to bed at a good time every night, and of course sex helps with that too.

I also believe you need to ask for counseling, he needs IC and you need MC, he needs to grieve and talk about his lost child with a professional and you guys need to have a 3rd party sort out some the marital issues.

I think you need to outline the issues and boundaries he's crossing and your concerns. Let him know that these are non negotiable, that you love him, but in order to move forward as a couple, you have to have your boundaries respected and he needs to make some positive moves forward.


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## wktorreador (Jun 18, 2011)

Pretty much everything Syrum said. You deserve better and don't "owe" him anything if he's treating you like that.


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## Michelle S. (Apr 1, 2011)

I agree with Syrum as well. Marriage counseling can help both of you build on your relationship and enhance the positive attributes the both of you have. Grief counseling can also be done with couples so that you can gain an understanding on how to help your husband cope with his loss. This other woman that is in the picture needs to go in order for marriage counseling to be effective. Any kind of infedility emotional or physical is toxic to a marriage as well as porn. Once these two things can be eliminated counseling can begin and new ways to cope with one another and how to enhance your relationship will be goals to complete during your counseling sessions. My best to the both of you.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. He's not respecting your boundaries.

Go here to the Boundary Testing Handbook.

It's in the Men's Forum, but is gender specific as much as possible.

This will give you tips on how to deal with his reaction to your concerns.

Remember, your feelings are your feelings, and they are perfectly legitimate. They are YOUR feelings. There's no WRONG feelings.
When he minimizes them, he's really not taking them into consideration. You have every right to discuss your feelings and find solutions/closure on them.


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## leah79 (Aug 4, 2011)

He lost his child for goodness sakes and you are acussing him of an affair sheesh cut him a break, encourage him into counselling or at least see a dr about his deppression.

I suffer deprssion and am amazed my hubby sticks by my side through it. When you have deppression you make bad decisions as you don't care about the consequences at the time. 

His "friend" probably is a distraction and escape for him from his reality it may be he feels she is the only one not judging him at the moment.


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