# How to get husband to be more aggressive sexually?



## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Looking for advice on how to get my husband to be more aggressive in the bedroom? I'm happy with our sex life but I really am craving to be completely taken in a crazy way and my hints aren't working.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> ...my hints...


Stop that.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Stop that.


I know, I know! It's funny because I don't want to say too much because I want it to be aggressive but I want it to be spontaneous too. Yes, I want him to be able to read my mind! :wink2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How have things been between the two of you lately?

Is he still super stressed w/ work?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lay him on the bed, get him totally worked up, take off most of your clothes and his...then get up and sashay out of the room mentioning something about cleaning the oven. Laugh the whole time you're walking away half naked. If he gets up and comes after you, run while laughing so he knows you know it's a game.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> How have things been between the two of you lately?
> 
> Is he still super stressed w/ work?


Not stressed at all actually because he changed jobs last month and he isn't commuting into the city anymore. Things have been really good between us. We've been intimate pretty regularly for a while now so I'm definitely feeling grateful. It's just I dont' want "nice" sex, I want it a little crazy and I don't know really how I want it crazy, I want him to know. So ...yes, I sound crazy hahaha!


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Lay him on the bed, get him totally worked up, take off most of your clothes and his...then get up and sashay out of the room mentioning something about cleaning the oven. Laugh the whole time you're walking away half naked. If he gets up and comes after you, run while laughing so he knows you know it's a game.


Omg, if I did that, he would just go to sleep. Come after me...hahahahaha!!! I'm honestly laughing right now!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Omg, if I did that, he would just go to sleep. Come after me...hahahahaha!!! I'm honestly laughing right now!


In that case, perhaps you should slap him before you walk away? Seriously, if your man can go from sexually excited to asleep in a few minutes, there is something very wrong there.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> In that case, perhaps you should slap him before you walk away? Seriously, if your man can go from sexually excited to asleep in a few minutes, there is something very wrong there.


Could it be his age? He is 45? If I start things up, he is very into it but he literally never initiates. The fact that we are having sex regularly is so much better than it was a year ago. And it's good sex too and he is very unselfish and talented in bed but I don't know why I can't stop thinking about being taken aggressively by my husband. I just want him to initiate in a very aggressive way but I don't think that's his style.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Maybe find some video footage of what you'd like him to do and watch it together? It doesn't need to be porn, just something where the characters are having the kind of sex you want, even if it's not graphically depicted.
> 
> I did that in addition to dropping hints and it's starting to pay off.. So far he's being fairly tentative about it because he is afraid of hurting me. So, I'm now more or less daring him to go further and hoping he will. I kind of think he will get there - he's heading in the right direction. :grin2:


PM me if you have any video suggestions. That's actually a great idea.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Could it be his age? He is 45? If I start things up, he is very into it but he literally never initiates. The fact that we are having sex regularly is so much better than it was a year ago. And it's good sex too and he is very unselfish and talented in bed but I *don't know why I can't stop thinking about being taken aggressively by my husband. * I just want him to initiate in a very aggressive way but I don't think that's his style.


Because it turns you on, that's why! Because your husband, though talented and unselfish, can maybe be a tad too passive? Okay, maybe MORE than a tad if he never initiates. Maybe lacking in raw undiluted passion? Because a man who is chasing you around the house half naked is a man with passion and energy and that is attractive as hell!

No his age has nothing to do with it. Possibly his testosterone levels. Possibly his general cardiovascular health? 

You are going to have to come out and tell him in very clear tones, you want him to chase you, throw you down, and fvck the sh!t out of you!


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Because it turns you on, that's why! Because your husband, though talented and unselfish, can maybe be a tad too passive? Okay, maybe MORE than a tad if he never initiates. Maybe lacking in raw undiluted passion? Because a man who is chasing you around the house half naked is a man with passion and energy and that is attractive as hell!
> 
> No his age has nothing to do with it. Possibly his testosterone levels. Possibly his general cardiovascular health?
> 
> *You are going to have to come out and tell him in very clear tones, you want him to chase you, throw you down, and fvck the sh!t out of you!*


Anon, is that a common request? I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked? Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> I don't know why I can't stop thinking about being taken aggressively by my husband. I just want him to initiate in a very aggressive way but I don't think that's his style.


I'm afraid I'm going to be a bit of a buzz-kill here.

Some men, myself included, simply aren't excited by the prospect of forcing themselves on women (even if we know they "actually" want it).

I just couldn't maintain arousal.

My first wife wanted to be "taken against her will". I was unkind and told her that if she wanted to be raped, she'd have to find someone else to do it (I regret that). I was young, but I couldn't have done it. I didn't know what a common fantasy that was. After we divorced (not because of that), she ended up marrying a wife-beater.

I think SimplyAmorous wanted the same thing from her husband once upon a time, but learned to live without it.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

It's actually not a rape fantasy, buddy, or at least that's not how I've been thinking of it. I don't want "nice" sex. I want raw, hot, different, rough, up against a wall or something. I don't even really know to be honest, I just want it to be him dominating, but wasn't thinking raping.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon, is that a common request? I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked? Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!


As a man I would not mind if my wife asked me to do that. It is much worse having to guess or feeling like you don't know what your spouse wants
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Yes, it could be low T. My husband is very fit and his T came back low. He's older than your husband but it can happen at any age.
> 
> *I get what you're saying about not wanting to spell it out - spelling it out would wreck it for me.*


Exactly! I don't want to know what's going to happen! Want it to just happen.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fit,

It's interesting how poorly educated men are - in this area. 

First of all, most men are taught from a young age that it's wrong to use our physical strength on a woman. This mindset is sort of a sexual train wreck because, many (most?) women like their partners to exercise some amount of physical domination. This is especially true a times of peak fertility. 

This isn't even lite S&M, it's just - dominance. Best way to ease him into give him some links to web sites that explain this. 

Simple stuff - like hair pulling - done a certain way - produces no pain - but is a great control move. 

Find a sex scene from a movie that shows what you want - and watch it with him. And just say: I WANT you to do that. 




Fitnessfan said:


> Looking for advice on how to get my husband to be more aggressive in the bedroom? I'm happy with our sex life but I really am craving to be completely taken in a crazy way and my hints aren't working.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

MEM11363 said:


> Fit,
> 
> It's interesting how poorly educated men are - in this area.
> 
> ...


Agree. Simple and direct. I do think the web links would be off putting. We men have no effing clue
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon, is that a common request?


Often it is not vocalized, but I do believe this is a common desire among women. My wife loves exactly what you're talking about but has never dared to ask me to do this. 

I just noticed how my wife responded. Sometimes I'd be so horny that I would walk in from work, kiss my wife and then whisper in her ear "I need you in the bedroom now." I'd then lead her there, and as soon as I closed and locked the door, I'd press her against the door as I kissed and undressed her. I'd get her to the bed and take her. 

What gave it away was the fact that she never orgasmed with me on top unless I did this. She'd have multiple orgasms from PIV this way. Normally she wouldn't ever.

Since that realization, she gets this treatment often.



Fitnessfan said:


> I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked?


There's that whole "don't be rapey" thing they teach guys...

I would suggest telling your husband a safe word. And then tell him he can do anything he wants to you until that safe word is said.



Fitnessfan said:


> Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!


I don't think resistance to aggressively taking you is low-T. I do think falling asleep if you were worked up and broke it off is though. I'd go freaking bonkers if my wife did that.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> It's actually not a rape fantasy, buddy, or at least that's not how I've been thinking of it. I don't want "nice" sex. I want raw, hot, different, rough, up against a wall or something. I don't even really know to be honest, I just want it to be him dominating, but wasn't thinking raping.


Have you not heard all of the chatter about "affirmative consent"? It's being beaten into guys nowadays. They tell guys unless she verbalizes "yes" at every step, then it is rape.

According to that camp, you do have a rape fantasy.

Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'll give you a hint... it is a hell of a lot of fun for guys too.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kilgore,

Ok. So let me 'net this out' as concisely as possible.

ALL physical contact with M2 is intended to be positive for HER. ALL OF IT. 

This is hardwired behavior. I'm just doing what comes natural.

So imagine the conscious over ride required for me to - just take her. 





Kilgoretrout said:


> Agree. Simple and direct. I do think the web links would be off putting. We men have no effing clue
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Stop hinting and tell him what you want. Men are not good at understanding what hints are all about. It is like telling him that you are cold while you really meant that you wanted him to turn the heat on. I have had a fantastic sex life all because I directly asked for things and even taught my sex partners what to do. There is more to it than that. You need to tell him exactly what you want him to do but do not overwhelm him. Take baby steps, talk about it often and then adjust things so you both are enjoying sex. 

It is not only asking but asking in a way that makes him want to do as you would like him to do in bed. The trick is to get him to do one little thing that you like and not the whole ball of wax at once. Just as an example, you can ask him to pull your hair during sex because it turns you on and makes you want him more, plus gives you better orgasms. Make sure that you overreact to what he is doing so that he sees how he is turning you on. A little acting helps. When he gets used to that, you add another little thing like maybe pinning your arms to the bed and so forth, until before he knows it, he is tossing you on the bed, pinning your arms back and taking you hard until you scream out your pleasure.  Take baby steps and take some time each week to discuss your sex life and what works or doesn't work. Then adjust and try again until you get it.

Early in our 40+ year marriage I asked my wife to try a threesome. Long story short, I ended up being shared by my wife and her best friend who was my lover as well as my wife's for most of our marriage. She had her own room in our home and lived with us on and off during that time. If you and your husband reveal your deepest and darkest sexual desires, you may find that there are some that you both share or at least would not mind doing for each other. My wife will do things that she does not get sexual pleasure from but does them to please me. In return I do the same for her. Work it out. Right now the internet is filled with husband moaning about how their wives will not be dominant in the bedroom and you have the opposite problem. If you were not married you could have you pick from millions of men looking for a dominant wife. Men are usually dominant by nature. It should not be much of a problem for your husband to bring his alpha male self into the bedroom too.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon, is that a common request? I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked? Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!


Yes, very common! Do men do that? No, they've all (hopefully all) been taught that that kind of behavior is a total No Go! Being married, however, carries with it a small amount of implied consent. IOW, neither party needs affirmative consent to assume forward movement. But this is an argument better left for the Men's Club House. Here we are talking specifically about Married Sex!

This is a scene from Body Heat that kind of illustrates dominance, aggression and passion. NSFW!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ppYz4Ag_jdE






larry.gray said:


> Often it is not vocalized, but I do believe this is a common desire among women. My wife loves exactly what you're talking about but has never dared to ask me to do this.
> 
> I just noticed how my wife responded. *Sometimes I'd be so horny that I would walk in from work, kiss my wife and then whisper in her ear "I need you in the bedroom now." I'd then lead her there, and as soon as I closed and locked the door, I'd press her against the door as I kissed and undressed her. I'd get her to the bed and take her. *
> 
> ...



Bolded part...yes please!

FitnessFan, you're going to have to spell it out for him, possibly a few times. You can suggest a safe word, like Larry suggests, which will probably help your husband feel more confident that his aggression is welcome. This can be a super hard thing for a man to over ride and some men are never able to get out of that passive mind set. 

My own super passive husband has become fantastically dominant in the bedroom...and that rocks my world! But it took a few conversations.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

From time to time there is a lot of comment about women experiencing a Madonna/***** complex but little about men who experience the opposite effect of it in their attitude towards their wives. Good men don't treat there wives like that. If they do they demean their wife, themselves, and it will will destroy their marriage. 

After I divorced in my forties I began to learn to be more bold. The biggest discovery I made is so many women enjoy a sense of restraint and domination. Now for many that would imply cuffs and rough handling including hair pulling. Usually not the best approach. What I found is a lot of woman like it when a man gentle caress the back of their head, then gather a handful of their hair and gently turn their head and kiss them. No pulling the hair, no pushing, no cuffs, but a sense of domination and restraint. 

Is that what you are looking for ?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Since you did the sensible think and did not marry a rapist don't you think it is reasonable to verbalize at least once what you actually want?


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## guy74 (Dec 24, 2015)

Just tell him. Maybe during, in the throes of passion tell him to pull your hair or something.

It's not an odd request at all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There is a 2006 movie called "Something New" on Netflix I think.

Cute romance with a scene that sounds a bit like what you're looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Without his knowledge set up some restraints under the bed covers. When the house starts a rockin see if he is willing to work with them.

As Buddy mentioned though, some guys just really aren't into the whole dominating aspect of sex. I prefer a balance where when in the mood I do want to dominate my wife (and this gets her going as well) but other times I rather lay back. If each time I had to go into it knowing that I needed to be dominating or I needed to give my wife hot/steamy sex, honestly that would just be exhausting and somewhat of a turnoff. Also keep in mind, at times even if I want to be dominating I need to keep myself in control if I want to last, so sometimes that may dictate as well how things go.

Worse case, sneak up behind him while he is showering, stick a finger up his butt and milk his prostate (lol, sorry, that movie Road Trip was on tv this weekend).


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Also OP, do you have kids at home? That could impact some of your H's aggressiveness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Since you did the sensible think and did not marry a rapist don't you think it is reasonable to verbalize at least once what you actually want?


It isn't rapey at all. It is aggressive fire. It really isn't hard to see that your woman is gasping and getting worked up by your hot, aggressive lust.

I think pretty much everyone has it in them but it's buried pretty deep in a lot of folks.

Mrs. Conan is a petite, 5' tall lady. She loves gentle treatment and consideration. She loves gentle love making as well.

She also absolutely "needs" me to ravage her body from time to time. It releases something and she feels immediately better. 

Sleeps better to. Often right in the pile I left her in on the bed without cleaning up.

I suspect most, if not all, women have this itch at least occasionally.

Even in gentle love making their comes a time where Mrs. Conan's attitude changes and she gets the "All right boy! Stop playing around and fvck the hell out of me!" look in her eye.

If I don't oblige, she can get pretty unhappy.

I was cued into this early in our relationship when I came home from a shift after midnight and took her like a hero in a romance novel. Didn't clean the grime of the day off or anything.

She let me know with wide eyed enthusiasm the next day how much she enjoyed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with others. I know I am a guy who is very good at picking up subtle clues but many men aren't. As others have pointed out we are taught at a young age not to be agressive when it comes to women and sex so this may not be natural for him. I think the best suggestion that others have given is to find a scene or two, movie or porn, and show it to him and tell me that you would like this. Hopefully once he knows he has the green light things will change. If they don't then you have to consider that maybe this is just not what he is.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

As with any goal, it is something you have to build up to it. Take baby steps and celebrate each sign of success. This will lessen your disappointment when it doesn't happen immediately and take the unspoken pressure off of him.

Maybe try to start the "playing" outside the bedroom. Years ago my bf (at the time) and I were not doing anything sexual, just goofing off and I started playfully running from him and when he "caught" me it turned into some of the hottest sex ever! Don't be controlling though, just gently guide him.

Another tip, and this is going to sound crazy, but there is something really strange about how this works for me... do some of the things to yourself that you'd like him to do to you (either in private or if you're brave do it in front of him). How would you like him to ravage you? Then, do that. (For example, would you like him to rip your shirt off or get some oil and rub it on your body? Try it in private and then if it feels right and you have the courage, do it at a time when he's around and you know he usually has energy for sex (i.e. if he's morning guy or afternoon guy).

Most men learn by action, not words or hints.

Have fun!!!
Kerry


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Fit,
> 
> It's interesting how poorly educated men are - in this area.
> 
> ...


for good reason


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I can certainly sympathize, but I'm happy for you that your sex life has improved - that's no small feat in marriage. Just ask him if it might be something he'd be willing to do. 

As some people here have said, he might just not be into it. Whenever I broached the topic with the ex of being more aggressive, he'd say sure, sure, but it just wasn't his thing. To be fair, he tried, but it wasn't something he wanted and he turned out with his AP to want more of a dominating woman in bed so maybe we just weren't compatible. But you won't know until you ask. You can't tell by a person's outward demeanor.

Current BF is pretty easy-going and chill, but as it turns out, loves being a little aggressive, and giving orders. If it is something he feels comfortable with, make sure you guys decide on a safe word beforehand. How is your communication when you're in bed?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> for good reason


I was thinking about this as well, so the opposite of what MEME said would be teaching men at a young age to use their physical strength on women. How exactly do you navigate that, especially given all the issues surrounding this (along with the inherent risks this could bring to both men and women).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Fitnessfan said:


> It's actually not a rape fantasy, buddy, or at least that's not how I've been thinking of it. I don't want "nice" sex. I want raw, hot, different, rough, up against a wall or something. I don't even really know to be honest, I just want it to be him dominating, but wasn't thinking raping.


I suggest you start by figuring out exactly what you'd like him to do, and then asking him to do it.

It really is that simple. 

"Husband, sometime in the next month, I'd like you surprise me by literally ripping the clothes off my body and pushing me up against the wall and just taking me."

Or whatever that is.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
First - nothing at all wrong with wanting "aggressive" sex. 

One problem though is what you posted below - "aggressive" can mean very different things to different people.

It could be play-rape. He holds you down while you struggle

It could be slapping, hair pulling and vigorous sex. 

It could be name calling, and ordering you do perform certain sex acts. 

It could be tying you up and tickling you. Or spanking you. Or anal. 


Kinky fun really does vary a lot with different people, and it easy to misunderstand someone's interests and end up horribly embarrassed (been there), if not accidentally actually abusive. 

I think the only way to do it is to tell him what you want. It can be well before you actually have sex, but let him know what you are interested in.

Of course some people don't enjoy rough or kinky play at all. Then there really is nothing you can do, 








Fitnessfan said:


> It's actually not a rape fantasy, buddy, or at least that's not how I've been thinking of it. I don't want "nice" sex. I want raw, hot, different, rough, up against a wall or something. I don't even really know to be honest, I just want it to be him dominating, but wasn't thinking raping.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> It's actually not a rape fantasy, buddy, or at least that's not how I've been thinking of it. I don't want "nice" sex. I want raw, hot, different, rough, up against a wall or something. I don't even really know to be honest, I just want it to be him dominating, but wasn't thinking raping.


It seems to me that "dominating" means just imposing your will on someone without considering their wishes. I know your wish is to be dominated, but someone uncomfortable with that in real life is also going to have a hard time play-acting it.

I understand that this is a sexual turn-on for many (most?) women in the bedroom (and, to a lesser degree, outside of it).

But a person is either the type of person who cares about others or the type that only cares about themselves.

Can you really expect someone to be one way in the bedroom and anther outside of it? 

Since I figured things out, I've modified my behavior outside the bedroom to be more dominant and found more success with women. In the bedroom, I've been able to make some small adjustments, but I can't seem to talk my d!ck into completely ignoring my heart.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> It seems to me that "dominating" means just imposing your will on someone without considering their wishes. I know your wish is to be dominated, but someone uncomfortable with that in real life is also going to have a hard time play-acting it.



Buddy, you're missing a crucial component of sexual domination. Yes, she wants her husband to dominate her in the bedroom because *it turns her on. *. Consent. Sexual domination is imposing your will on your partner BEACUSE it turns them on. 

If you wanted a BJ and your partner obliged she would oblige because it turns you on. When you do things that turn your partner on and ramp up the eroticism, in turn your arousal is heightened because you see how turns on they are. 

I don't get much out of giving my H a BJ. In fact, physically it does nothing for me. But he loves getting one, his arousal turns me on. This is how sexual domination works too. On the face of it, you may get nothing from dominating your woman. But when you notice how turned on she gets, in turn you get turned on.

This is sexual symbiosis and that's the way it's supposed to work. 




> I understand that this is a sexual turn-on for many (most?) women in the bedroom (and, to a lesser degree, outside of it).
> 
> But a person is either the type of person who cares about others or the type that only cares about themselves.
> 
> Can you really expect someone to be one way in the bedroom and anther outside of it?


Sexual domination is, in reality, showing great care toward another. You're overcoming your induced inclination to avoid aggression toward women because you care that your woman gets turned on.

Yes, you can expect someone to be one way in the bedroom and one way outside of it. Women have been doing it for centuries!

"Virgin on the streets, wh0re between the sheets."


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree with others. I know I am a guy who is very good at picking up subtle clues but many men aren't.


I didn't use to be good at picking it up, and sometimes when I did, I didn't want to seem like a horn-dog. 
So, my wife became much less than subtle. 

I get it now!
:grin2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Buddy, you're missing a crucial component of sexual domination. Yes, she wants her husband to dominate her in the bedroom because *it turns her on. *. Consent. Sexual domination is imposing your will on your partner BEACUSE it turns them on.
> 
> If you wanted a BJ and your partner obliged she would oblige because it turns you on. When you do things that turn your partner on and ramp up the eroticism, in turn your arousal is heightened because you see how turns on they are.
> 
> ...


I would do (and do) anything I am capable of in order to bring pleasure to my wife.

My point is that I am simply not capable of play-acting something that goes so against my nature. I can get my head to cooperate, just not my penis!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> I would do (and do) anything I am capable of in order to bring pleasure to my wife.
> 
> My point is that I am simply not capable of play-acting something that goes so against my nature. I can get my head to cooperate, just not my penis!


Agreed. The problem is we aren't just talking about trying specific sex acts, but also asking someone to act a certain way that in fact may not be who they are.

Perfect example, I have no interest in talking dirty or being talked dirty to, just not my thing. If my W insisted I talk dirty to her I am sure I could muster up a few lines, but it would be forced (or I could just have a teleprompter set up lol) and honestly it would take away from the sex act itself.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Sigh...


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> I didn't know what a common fantasy that was.


It's apparently very common with women. My wife and I explored some role play ideas and The Google was littered with this fantasy from women. I was shocked. I do plan on throwing it out there to the wifey and see if she bites. :grin2:


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Hopefully This doesn't come off as hijacking ?? I have often wondered if a human is very controlling , Always in charge, The type that is a leader or boss, upper management is that person controlling in bed. I am just wondering were does the change take place??? Does that same person need to be in charge in the bedroom and be sexual dominant and controlling ?? Or how does one be so controlling and in charge in dally life , But completely not need to be dominant in the bedroom??? Its confusing because it has no pattern. ??


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

tell him you don't want to be made love to, tell him you want to be ****ED. make him jealous, that'll automatically get him aggressive.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> Hopefully This doesn't come off as hijacking ?? I have often wondered if a human is very controlling , Always in charge, The type that is a leader or boss, upper management is that person controlling in bed. I am just wondering were does the change take place??? Does that same person need to be in charge in the bedroom and be sexual dominant and controlling ?? Or how does one be so controlling and in charge in dally life , But completely not need to be dominant in the bedroom??? Its confusing because it has no pattern. ??


I think it can translate into the bedroom.

It isn't so much about needing control.

Outside the bedroom I aggressively pursue what I want and once I know something is mine, I have no problem taking it.

We aren't necessarily talking about ordering and controlling here but unspoken sexually aggressive heat. A little bit of pushy, frisky sex.

It is very hard to communicate and I feel for folks that want something so primal and satisfying but it loses something vital when you have to ask for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I should add that my wife *apparently* doesn't require much domination in the bedroom. 

I'm not saying that she wouldn't like it (I suspect she might), but it doesn't seem to be required.

She claims that sex is better than ever, so it seems that I've lucked out in my choice of a wife. 

I was telling her something I read here about women liking dominant men and she said "yeah, like you", so it seems that I'm doing something right.

There are things that one can know *intellectually* but not be able to follow through on. 

Recently I mentioned to my wife that I'd come home from work really horny one day. She wondered why I hadn't asked for a blowjob. I said that it was because she had seemed so stressed out from an incident at work (which she recounted to me in detail upon my arrival). She said that the best thing I could have done to improve her mood was to have her turn her attention to me. 

So now I know what to do intellectually. But, my instinct upon seeing my wife distressed is very far from asking her to put all that aside and focus on my needs. Even though I've been told what I should do in that instance and even though I believe her, I'm not really sure I could do it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Buddy,

This 'protection circuitry' is often stronger than anything else in your head. 





Buddy400 said:


> I should add that my wife *apparently* doesn't require much domination in the bedroom.
> 
> I'm not saying that she wouldn't like it (I suspect she might), but it doesn't seem to be required.
> 
> ...


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

Never hurts to have the T checked


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Having a sexual request rejected badly can make someone very shy about trying again. The "you are a pervert" implied response is very damaging. 

I'm not saying this happened with the OP's spouse, but its possible - maybe in an earlier relationship.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> Never hurts to have the T checked


Why? Based on the OP there appears to be no indication of the low T symptoms.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> I think it's a bit odd that her husband never initiates. Doesn't that seem odd?


Not really, all other indications show it is not an issue. He likes "nice" sex as she put it. Maybe that is the way he was raised, who knows.

The way I see it, she wants him to be more aggressive. That is not his personality. She tells him to get his T levels tested, indicating that there must be something medically wrong with him. You want to get him to go further into his shell (assuming there are no other indications of low T), this is definitely a way to do that lol.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OliviaG said:


> I think it's a bit odd that her husband never initiates. Doesn't that seem odd?


He may be more on the submissive end of the dominant-submissive scale.

OP, if you do the things to him that you want done to you, how do you think he would react? Would he like it?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, very common! Do men do that? No, they've all (hopefully all) been taught that that kind of behavior is a total No Go! Being married, however, carries with it a small amount of implied consent. IOW, neither party needs affirmative consent to assume forward movement. But this is an argument better left for the Men's Club House. Here we are talking specifically about Married Sex!


Honestly, I'm not looking to turn this into a political debate, only to help understand what may be in a man's mind. In explaining this, it is easy to think I'm trying to argue a gender based political point. I'm not. FWIW, I nor anyone I'd associate with is a rapey guy. I think they are scum. 

Even in marriage, there is rape. The last thing "the good guys" ever want to find out is that they are one of "those guys."

I'd suggest that rather than using implied consent, give implicit consent. My wife and I had such a conversation even before we married. There are some real "danger" areas in consent. For example, is it OK to be sexual with your spouse when sleeping, intoxicated, or both? Most men are OK with that. Many women would be freaked out by it.



Anon Pink said:


> FitnessFan, you're going to have to spell it out for him, possibly a few times. You can suggest a safe word, like Larry suggests, which will probably help your husband feel more confident that his aggression is welcome. This can be a super hard thing for a man to over ride and some men are never able to get out of that passive mind set.


We've never felt the need for a safe word, but it may help.

What REALLY helped me is my wife telling me that she knows what I want. If she didn't want sex, she wouldn't have followed me to the bedroom.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Yeah, I see your point.
> 
> I don't know why, but I thought she'd been in a sex starved marriage for a while too, and now the frequency is better but she has to initiate. I may be wrong.


Yeah, I am only going by what was written here in this post. The below just doesn't strike me as having issues except she wants more aggression:



> Could it be his age? He is 45? If I start things up, he is very into it but he literally never initiates.* The fact that we are having sex regularly is so much better than it was a year ago. And it's good sex too and he is very unselfish and talented in bed* but I don't know why I can't stop thinking about being taken aggressively by my husband. I just want him to initiate in a very aggressive way but I don't think that's his style.


If anything, maybe forget about the aggression stuff and instead ask H why he never initiates. It may be worth starting there first. Maybe he is just complacent, he knows the OP will always start so less incentive for him. 

I had a talk with my W about initiating, and since then things have improved dramatically.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> I can't help but wonder if what she really wants is an indication of red-hot desire from him.


Yes, that is why I am thinking initiating may help with that. If you recall that was my issue with my W in terms of initiating, and although her desire for me has always been there, actions do carry weight as well.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Absolutely. And men are usually more dominant and women more submissive relative to each other (in general terms). So when a guy is doing no initiating the imbalance seems even more extreme, unless the woman has an unusual tendency to like to dominate.


You need a cool avatar :wink2: I would offer to loan you one of mine, but the mods here may threaten you with a ban lol.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

JohnA said:


> From time to time there is a lot of comment about women experiencing a Madonna/***** complex but little about men who experience the opposite effect of it in their attitude towards their wives. Good men don't treat there wives like that. If they do they demean their wife, themselves, and it will will destroy their marriage.


I understand why so many women fall into that thinking. So many females are shamed away from their sexuality starting at an early age. I don't get men falling for it. Between unbelievable levels of testosterone from puberty into early adulthood plus the glorification of aggressive men, I don't see how men can fall into the Madonna / wh*re complex. 



JohnA said:


> After I divorced in my forties I began to learn to be more bold. The biggest discovery I made is so many women enjoy a sense of restraint and domination. Now for many that would imply cuffs and rough handling including hair pulling. Usually not the best approach. What I found is a lot of woman like it when a man gentle caress the back of their head, then gather a handful of their hair and gently turn their head and kiss them. No pulling the hair, no pushing, no cuffs, but a sense of domination and restraint.


Unless a woman really is into physical restraint, this is more about demonstrating size and strength applied with loving restraint. This is all about feeding her need to mate with the strong, dominant man. Pin her against the wall or a closed door with your body. Pin her on the bed with your body. Put you hand on her hips and drag her to your face when you go down on her, and then put your hands under but and pull her up into your face like you cant get enough of her. When you're on top, hold her arms down; either hold both hands above her head or lay your forearms on hers so she can't move.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

OliviaG said:


> I can't help but wonder if what she really wants is an indication of red-hot desire from him.


Hell yes. You put together knowing that she can turn him on so much that it creates single minded irresistible desire with demonstrating being a "fit" mate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*You have to focus on aggression and libido separately!!!*

HOW TO GET A MAN TO BE AGGRESSIVE:
#1 Don't feed him, and remove all snacks from the house. 
#2 Change your wifi password, and pretend you have no idea how that happened.
#3 Raise the temperature on your thermostat by about 5º than it is usually set.
#4 Allow all clean underwear and socks to run out.
#5 Misplace TV remotes.
#6 Start a new diet that forbids going to any of his favorite places.
#7 Misplace the garage door opener.
#8 When you talk to him, lower your voice just so he can never quite understand you. 
#9 Repeatedly accuse him of being in a sour mood.
#10 Rearrange all the toiletries so they are hard to find.
#11 Remove any beer from the fridge so that it stays lukewarm in the pantry.

HOW TO GET A MAN TO BE MORE SEXUAL:
#1 Wear see-through cloths around the house.
#2 Lean over in front of him repeatedly while wearing a thong.
#3 Brag about making out with another girl when you were in college.
#4 Criticize his abilities to masturbate effectively.

....then wait for it!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

FitnessFan - I can definitely relate as I am in your shoes.

My W was brought up very conservative Catholic and there were family issues too that - I believe - mixed on too much shame into her general psyche. She is very sexually responsive and we have amazing sex, but it's not creative and lacks variety.

I wanted to get into power play a bit too. In your case, though, this doesn't sound like power play or sexual dominance. Instead it seems you just want to see your man so filled with lust and desire that he takes you! Yes? And if he is that lusty, well you might get tossed around a bit - maybe thrust against a wall, bent over the bed, grabbed by the shoulders and pushed to your knees to take care of him, right?

I think that's a subtly different thing than sexual dominance, which is perhaps a bit more emotional / intellectual. I think you'd just prefer a bit of animal come out to stalk you. Is this it?

This is a bit delicate. If this is what you're after, you are asking him to take off his kid gloves and focus on his needs. Of course you'd like his needs to include a variety of things you like ... As many posters have pointed out - most husbands have a bit of a problem turning off the protection circuits toward their wives. You'll have to guide him and let him know it's ok to push some boundaries. After all - that's what these protection circuits are.

In my case I've tread lightly (W might say otherwise  ). But I don't want to push her too far past her existing boundaries to a point that isn't safe. She'd be fine with lovey dovey sex forever, so small changes are big to her.

I've tried all sorts of things, including books, web sites, etc. I bought her sexy things to wear. She's responded positively. Sinclair Institute has great couples videos - there is probably one you can watch with H.

Sometimes I do to her what you want done to you - maybe at 15-20% of the aggressiveness you're probably seeking. I act like I'm crazy with desire and have to take her - she has never pushed back so I'm sure she likes it but wonders where it's coming from.

But I do also threaten to bend her over the bed rail and make sexy comments like that. I told her she's going to swallow... In slightly more vulgar terms... she has never done that but loves BJs and is adamant that won't ever happen. So I've made it a sexy game of threats, and we toy with each other and both smile and enjoy the sexual banter and threats to one up each other (she threatens to make me get on my knees and beg for sex). But I haven't pushed these things during sex nor has she. Just sexy dirty talk. So I am communicating how I want to have sex but not introducing it explicitly so it's still safe.

She's come a long way - she likes the attention and games and is frankly probably attracted to my sexual assertiveness even if she's uncomfortable liking it. This weekend we had sessions sat and Sunday in the middle of the day - with lots of kids in the house. I didn't think much of that - until she pointed out she never would have done that in the past. And she initiated both times. Plus - we were pressed for time once - she gave me a choice - PIV or bj & swallow. I took the latter of course - a first. Was a lot of fun and very adventurous for her too. She found it wasn't that bad after all. Oh and she had a very, very, very long O when we got out her vibrator. So I'm guessing she had fun too 

So work it consistently but slowly and he'll see it turns you on and isn't threatening or crossing his boundaries (well it is but slowly with him in control).

I hesitated to post because it's a bit TMI - but I know this is probably something you really want so thought I'd share my personal stuff.

Good luck! There is hope with patience and perseverance.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

metallicaluvr said:


> tell him you don't want to be made love to, tell him you want to be ****ED. make him jealous, that'll automatically get him aggressive.


When I tell my husband I want to be fvcked, he refuses. In his mind, unless we are *MAKING LOVE* every time, it's NOT something he will do.

As for making him jealous?? Might work for you, never would for me.

I've basically given up trying to get my husband to be more aggressive in bed. It's just never going to happen - it isn't in him to be that way, at least to me. He has way more sexual hangups than he realizes, though, so maybe one of these days he'll be ready to admit he could use some work in this area. But in the meantime I just enjoy what we DO do together. It's not a dealbreaker for me


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Why? Based on the OP there appears to be no indication of the low T symptoms.


 It never hurts to get a baseline for any medical question. 
If his T level is on the low end and dropping. All the hints, hot outfits , begging in the world won't fix it. 

Like your blood pressure, PSA , etc , never hurt to get things checked at your annual check up or anytime if you are concerned. 

As long as the OP were to bring it up in the right way it would be no big deal.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Sometimes *I'd be so horny that I would walk in from work, kiss my wife and then whisper in her ear "I need you in the bedroom now." I'd then lead her there, and as soon as I closed and locked the door, I'd press her against the door as I kissed and undressed her. I'd get her to the bed and take her.*
> 
> omg this!
> 
> *I don't think resistance to aggressively taking you is low-T. I do think falling asleep if you were worked up and broke it off is though. I'd go freaking bonkers if my wife did that.*


He might be low-T then.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Have you not heard all of the chatter about "affirmative consent"? It's being beaten into guys nowadays. They tell guys unless she verbalizes "yes" at every step, then it is rape.
> 
> *According to that camp, you do have a rape fantasy.
> *
> Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'll give you a hint... it is a hell of a lot of fun for guys too.


Yes, but I would think the "affirmative consent" wouldn't be necessary in a marriage. Of course, abusive marriages are a different story. If the wife is saying she wants more aggressive, I guess there does need to be some guidance on exactly how aggressive or a safe word as you suggested.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

JohnA said:


> From time to time there is a lot of comment about women experiencing a Madonna/***** complex but little about men who experience the opposite effect of it in their attitude towards their wives. Good men don't treat there wives like that. If they do they demean their wife, themselves, and it will will destroy their marriage.
> 
> After I divorced in my forties I began to learn to be more bold. The biggest discovery I made is so many women enjoy a sense of restraint and domination. Now for many that would imply cuffs and rough handling including hair pulling. Usually not the best approach. What I found *is a lot of woman like it when a man gentle caress the back of their head, then gather a handful of their hair and gently turn their head and kiss them. No pulling the hair, no pushing, no cuffs, but a sense of domination and restraint.
> 
> Is that what you are looking for *?


No. I want the pushing, hair pulling type stuff.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Also OP, do you have kids at home? That could impact some of your H's aggressiveness.


Yes, we have 3 but they are old enough and out and about with friends that we have some time alone.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> It isn't rapey at all. It is *aggressive fire.* It really isn't hard to see that your woman is gasping and getting worked up by your *hot, aggressive lust*.
> 
> I think pretty much everyone has it in them but it's buried pretty deep in a lot of folks.
> 
> ...


That's what I'm talking about


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> *How is your communication when you're in bed?*


I'd say communication in bed is good, although there is not a lot of actual talk.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> First - nothing at all wrong with wanting "aggressive" sex.
> 
> One problem though is what you posted below - *"aggressive" can mean very different things to different people.*
> ...


This is a good point. I think I need to spend some time figuring out exactly what it is that I want as I'm not 100% sure.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

BBF said:


> Sigh...


Are we boring you?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

metallicaluvr said:


> tell him you don't want to be made love to, tell him you want to be ****ED. *make him jealous,* that'll automatically get him aggressive.


No, that would make him not trust me and angry but wouldn't help in the bedroom.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Having a sexual request rejected badly can make someone very shy about trying again. The "you are a pervert" implied response is very damaging.
> 
> I'm not saying this happened with the OP's spouse, but its possible - maybe in an earlier relationship.


I can see this but I really don't think that's the case at all. I think it's more his personality or the fact that he is a bit traditional.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

jld said:


> He may be more on the submissive end of the dominant-submissive scale.
> 
> OP, if you do the things to him that you want done to you, how do you think he would react? Would he like it?


No I don't think he would actually but isn't it more typical for the woman to want to be dominated than the man?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> Yes, but I would think the "affirmative consent" wouldn't be necessary in a marriage.


I've read a lot of stuff from feminist activists that disagrees with that statement.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I think it can translate into the bedroom.
> 
> It isn't so much about needing control.
> 
> ...


That's my feeling as well. I wish it could be instinctal for him to do this but it's certaintly silly of me to expect him to just know what I want if I won't do more than hint.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I kind of think that the wanting my husband to be more aggressive is nothing at all akin to a rape fantasy. When he was younger he was often what I mean by "aggressive" - that *I've-got-to-have-you-now attitude where there was no stopping him* unless I really slammed the brakes on hard. *He didn't care where we were or what I was doing - it was happening. That kind of aggression.
> *
> I think in my case I've got this craving for more aggressive sex because H is not showing me that hunger much lately, and I need to see it. It's like a litmus test for strong desire. I don't need him to pull my hair, I actually don't need a specific act (although he's picked up on one and so I'm encouraging it).
> 
> ...


His not being the initiator could very well be part of why I am craving the dominance. What worries me like you said is that asking him makes it feel not so authentic but I need to start somewhere.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

A study shows 31% and 57% of women have rape fantasies. This Psychology Today article discusses possible reasons why.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psyched/200805/why-do-women-have-erotic-rape-fantasies


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> Yeah, I see your point.
> 
> I don't know why, but I thought she'd been in a sex starved marriage for a while too, and now the frequency is better but she has to initiate. I may be wrong.


No, you're correct Olivia. It was like that for nearly a year but things are much better now sans the initiating. I very much enjoy having sex with him and I'm super grateful the frequency is back to normal so thinking back to how far we've come, perhaps I should not be asking for more quite yet.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I can't help but wonder if what she really wants is an indication of red-hot desire from him.


Yes


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> *Okay, I need a cold shower now...*
> 
> This is 100% what I'm talking about. It shows the male's desire level, in addition to his strength. It's irresistible (to me, anyway). I crave a certain amount of that kind of sex.


Same!


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> FitnessFan - In your case, though, this doesn't sound like power play or sexual dominance. *Instead it seems you just want to see your man so filled with lust and desire that he takes you! Yes? And if he is that lusty, well you might get tossed around a bit - maybe thrust against a wall, bent over the bed, grabbed by the shoulders and pushed to your knees to take care of him, right?*
> YES!
> I think that's a subtly different thing than sexual dominance, which is perhaps a bit more emotional / intellectual. *I think you'd just prefer a bit of animal come out to stalk you. Is this it?*
> YES!!
> ...


Thanks Truth...I think you get where I'm coming from and I appreciate the guidance.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> When I tell my husband I want to be fvcked, he refuses. In his mind, unless we are *MAKING LOVE* every time, it's NOT something he will do.
> 
> As for making him jealous?? Might work for you, never would for me.
> 
> I've basically given up trying to get my husband to be more aggressive in bed. It's just never going to happen - it isn't in him to be that way, at least to me. He has way more sexual hangups than he realizes, though, so maybe one of these days he'll be ready to admit he could use some work in this area. But in the meantime I just enjoy what we DO do together. *It's not a dealbreaker for me*


It's not a dealbreaker for me either. It's a strong craving.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I kind of think that the wanting my husband to be more aggressive is nothing at all akin to a rape fantasy. When he was younger he was often what I mean by "aggressive" - that I've-got-to-have-you-now attitude where there was no stopping him unless I really slammed the brakes on hard. He didn't care where we were or what I was doing - it was happening. That kind of aggression.
> 
> I think in my case I've got this craving for more aggressive sex because H is not showing me that hunger much lately, and I need to see it.





Fitnessfan said:


> Yes


I understand where you're both coming from but, you've got to realize that he's got a lot less testosterone running through his system now.

That aggression wasn't so much an indication of his desire for you as it was the chemicals coursing through his body.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> It's not a dealbreaker for me either. It's a strong craving.


I sure hope your hubby can give you what you want!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OP - have you actually asked your H why he does not initiate? If so, what was his response?


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon, is that a common request? I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked? Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. *I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!*


Hahahaha...! What's he supposed to do? Look up your anus and read your mind?

There are a whole lot of women out there that won't tell their man what they want. You are not alone. I'm having to take queues to this day from my wife because she won't verbalize what she wants. Sometimes I get it right, other times I get it wrong. I am still learning, though...:nerd:

Just TELL him already! I can't guarantee you will like his approach because it's new to him, but he will learn if you verbalize exactly what you want.

Oh, and by the way, my libido was taking a dive until I started my T therapy. Now I can't get enough.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Luvher4life said:


> *Hahahaha...! What's he supposed to do? Look up your anus and read your mind?*
> 
> There are a whole lot of women out there that won't tell their man what they want. You are not alone. I'm having to take queues to this day from my wife because she won't verbalize what she wants. Sometimes I get it right, other times I get it wrong. I am still learning, though...:nerd:
> 
> Just TELL him already! I can't guarantee you will like his approach because it's new to him, but he will learn if you verbalize exactly what you want.


Almost spit out my drink when I read the bolded lol.

So it does bring up an interesting question. If being aggressive is not in his nature, and OP doesn't want to tell him what she wants, how in earth is he supposed to know this


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I know it. Actually, I've come to realize that desire = chemicals. What he has for me without the chemicals is attraction and love, both of which I cherish very much. I miss the desire though.


As my mom said at 87; "getting old isn't for sissies!".

Sure, many parts of getting old suck, but there are benefits (as long as you're not 87).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree - tell him.

When I told my husband what I wanted, he started 'performing' - there's no other word for it, really. Like an actor. He made up a script in his head and followed it. It was very obvious, too. And fake. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't accuse him of doing it for spite, and I tried really hard to give him kudos for at least trying, but in retrospect I kinda wish I'd never said anything. But there's no way to know that till you try.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OliviaG said:


> What are the benefits??!!! (Besides not being dead..) I'm really struggling with aging at the moment. Not thrilled with it.


How old are you? (PM me if you want  ) I am 51 and really enjoy getting older.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Ellis...I have asked him in the past why he doesn't initiate and the answer is usually that he is too tired. I think it's not a top priority for him. I think he might be what I've heard to here referred as responsive desire bc he does seem to be really into it once he gets going.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OliviaG said:


> I'm 49, H is 58. I'm not having the most fun I've ever had, that's for sure.


I'm going to start a new thread in the ladies section so we don't hijack this one


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> Ellis...I have asked him in the past why he doesn't initiate and the answer is usually that he is too tired. I think it's not a top priority for him. I think he might be what I've heard to here referred as responsive desire bc he does seem to be really into it once he gets going.


Interesting, sounds very much like my W.

Have you told him how by not initiating it does make you fee less desired (regardless of how he actually feels)?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> I'm 49, H is 58. I'm not having the most fun I've ever had, that's for sure.





Hope1964 said:


> I'm going to start a new thread in the ladies section so we don't hijack this one


Sounds like you might need to request the mods start a "retirement home" section ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> What are the benefits??!!! (Besides not being dead..) I'm really struggling with aging at the moment. Not thrilled with it.


Kids out of the house so that you can walk around without any pants on.

Financial security.

Less drama.

Time (if not the physical capability) to pursue your interests.

Of course, knowing that you could drop dead at any moment does take some of the luster off those benefits :frown2:


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Luvher4life said:


> Fitnessfan said:
> 
> 
> > . *I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!*
> ...


Ok this made me lol. Sorry if I wasn't clear but my hints have been pretty strong that I'm wanting aggressive sex but they haven't been clear and specific that perhaps he really does have no idea what I mean. I was hoping not to spell it out as to lose the spontaneity and have him more take the lead.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Fitnessfan said:


> Ellis...I have asked him in the past why he doesn't initiate and the answer is usually that he is too tired. I think it's not a top priority for him. I think he might be what I've heard to here referred as responsive desire bc he does seem to be really into it once he gets going.


He should occasionally initiate anyway; just because he knows that it's important to you.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

If there is to be any variety in sex, it's usually left up to the primary initiator. The problem with that is sometimes the initiator doesn't always want to be the one to come up with all the ideas to spice things up, nor do they want to always be the initiator. Primal, unbridled LUST is something that is difficult to conjure up for the majority of the passive partners. They generally have to be warmed up significantly to even feel lust itself.

With most passive partners, you will likely have to verbalize what you want. Hopefully, they can and will comply, and do so without it being too awkward. They will definitely need to praised for their efforts regardless, in my opinion.

I think something I learned many years ago still applies to women even after they're married. Sometimes they just want it rough, want to get banged hard, and don't want that soft stuff. In other words, mix it up and keep 'em guessing.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Are you running and ducking Ellis? ...lol..


Just a little feisty here :grin2:


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

oh, sorry. it's just that when my girl tried to make me jealous, it'd fire me up every time.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Honestly, I'm not looking to turn this into a political debate, only to help understand what may be in a man's mind. In explaining this, it is easy to think I'm trying to argue a gender based political point. I'm not. FWIW, I nor anyone I'd associate with is a rapey guy. I think they are scum.
> 
> Even in marriage, there is rape. The last thing "the good guys" ever want to find out is that they are one of "those guys."
> 
> ...



I couldn't agree more on all the points you mentioned. Implicit is a much better word and a much less murky avenue.

I also had those conversations with my H when I was explaining what I wanted from him. I think he thought to challenge my desires by asking if it was okay to take me while I'm asleep and I said so long as I can go right back to sleep I'm okay with it. He then brought up several other scenarios he thought it unlikely that I would agree to but I did agree. He has since taken advantage of all of those unlikely implicitly given consent. "I had the strangest dream last night...." is code for that was hot!


I think women need to stop being so damn coy about sex and what turns them on. We have to OWN our bodies and MINDS and that includes our dirty filthy kinky minds! 

Own sister! Speak up and own it!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If he has healthy T levels then have him watch lots of hot steamy scenes that emulate what you are looking for.

It also wouldn't hurt if he started developing a really dirty fantasy life.

His brain is what needs training to be able to objectify you at least enough to build up lust enough to really work you in the bedroom.

I have a civil exterior and an absolutely filthy mind.

I fantasize a lot and because I do, I am worked up most of the time.

I am able to "use" Mrs. Conan to drain my lust very aggressively at times because I know it is better than good to pour that "disgusting" lust into her and she actually needs me to.

Women aren't the only ones who are sexually repressed in their minds.

He needs to mentally tease that inner tiger and learn to work "him" up to let loose on you once in a while.

Encourage him to fantasize incredibly dirty scenarios and erotica can help immensely.

Literotica is a free site with loads of dirty fiction.

He might just need to train his brain and learn to stoke that depraved and horny idiot we all have inside us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
The idea of being "taken" by a man that is so wildly passionate that he *must* have you is appealing. Its not always so simple in reality. If a man really gives in to passion, there can be some chance of hurting his partner - she might not be fully aroused yet etc. That leads to men needing to remain mostly in control, while pretending to be out of control. 

There are some women who are comfortable with being taken when their man wants the, but not all. I have to be careful to avoid hurting my wife during sex, so this sort of game wouldn't work for use - fun as it is in concept.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

He cannot read your mind,some men are not into "forcing"a woman to have sex.
You are going to have to be DIRECT about what you want. if you have to take him by the hand or (extremity of choice) and show him what you want,you may have to do it more than once.what have you got to lose?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Deguello said:


> He cannot read your mind,some men are not into "forcing"a woman to have sex.
> You are going to have to be DIRECT about what you want. if you have to take him by the hand or (extremity of choice) and show him what you want,you may have to do it more than once.what have you got to lose?


Having to "take him by the hand," in the context of what she is talking about wanting from him, sounds like a libido killer right there.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

I don’t know how to get him to be"more aggressive," but he cannot read her mind,baby steps at first.
she is going to have to make him understand what she wants,in detail


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

I don’t know how to get him to be"more aggressive," but he cannot read her mind,baby steps at first.
she is going to have to make him understand what she wants,in detail


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Fitnessfan said:


> Ok this made me lol. Sorry if I wasn't clear but my hints have been pretty strong that I'm wanting aggressive sex but they haven't been clear and specific that perhaps he really does have no idea what I mean. I was hoping not to spell it out as to lose the spontaneity and have him more take the lead.


You can spell it out in a sexy way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> Are we boring you?


Since you asked; it was a "sigh" of resigned jealousy due to current starfish sex with tippling wife. And a reminiscence of times past with the crazy Hungarian/Italian girl friend when the sex was so hot that the Mormon neighbors would light up cigarettes.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> The idea of being "taken" by a man that is so wildly passionate that he *must* have you is appealing. Its not always so simple in reality. If a man really gives in to passion, there can be some chance of hurting his partner - she might not be fully aroused yet etc.


Are you referring to penetration being painful?

I think this is address in two ways. Firstly, this isn't about going from dressed to PIV in 30 seconds. This is about ravishing her in a hungry manner. If she's into this, she's not going to be dry by the time you put it in her. Secondly, it isn't hard to tell when she's ready. Even a tight woman doesn't tug at the skin when wet. If it feels like it's dragging on the way in, she's not ready.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
yes - and yes a man can be careful - so basically he is pretending to be out of control, but really is acting in a way specifically to please her. 

That is absolutely fine, but it means that the aggressiveness is a game, its not really what he is feeling. 




larry.gray said:


> Are you referring to penetration being painful?
> 
> I think this is address in two ways. Firstly, this isn't about going from dressed to PIV in 30 seconds. This is about ravishing her in a hungry manner. If she's into this, she's not going to be dry by the time you put it in her. Secondly, it isn't hard to tell when she's ready. Even a tight woman doesn't tug at the skin when wet. If it feels like it's dragging on the way in, she's not ready.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> yes - and yes a man can be careful - so basically he is pretending to be out of control, but really is acting in a way specifically to please her.
> 
> That is absolutely fine, but it means that the aggressiveness is a game, its not really what he is feeling.
> ...


Aren't all sex games just that - games? Just because a man "gets into character" doesn't mean he won't then feel it after a bit - particularly if she responds. Same with sexy costumes and role playing - it can get pretty hot and you can let out your inner whatever out (slvt, schoolgirl, construction worker, out of town business man, nurse, patient, Doctor...).

I think it's just fine to start in a role - particularly when trying to transition from work, kids, responsibilities. I imagine a lot of people in LTR's need to put in effort to ensure a healthy sex life and lots of intimacy.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Back to the OP's question: my wife naked on all fours, face down and booty up (wiggling) easily brings out the aggressive side of me.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

JoeHenderson said:


> Back to the OP's question: my wife naked on all fours, face down and booty up (wiggling) easily brings out the aggressive side of me.


LOL , cut him off for a month and then do this ^^ . If that doesn't work it would have to be low T or some other medical problem.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

One thing worth mentioning since low T keeps getting thrown around. Keep in mind, if he goes on T therapy, this is most likely a life long decision. There are obviously other benefits to this type of therapy, but hopefully is viewed as something more then just a way for the OP to get her H to be aggressive with her ....


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> The idea of being "taken" by a man that is so wildly passionate that he *must* have you is appealing. Its not always so simple in reality. If a man really gives in to passion, there can be some chance of hurting his partner - she might not be fully aroused yet etc. That leads to men needing to remain mostly in control, while pretending to be out of control.
> 
> There are some women who are comfortable with being taken when their man wants the, but not all. I have to be careful to avoid hurting my wife during sex, so this sort of game wouldn't work for use - fun as it is in concept.


There is the possibility that when it happens the woman suddenly realizes that if her man really did go down this route there's barely a cat in hell's chance she could stop him. And it frightens the life out of her. Hence, she doesn't want him to actually be sexually aggressive, she wants him to _pretend _to be.

The late Mrs Beane and I would play this. She was an expert martial artist, but she was under no illusions that her skill would allow her to overcome me, since I had my own MA training and vastly more strength. She rated her chances as no better than 50/50.

A number of discussions have led me to conclude that while a lot of women like the sound of crying havoc and letting slip the dogs of war, they are far, far less comfortable with he idea of him *really *being off the chain.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sawney Beane said:


> There is the possibility that when it happens the woman suddenly realizes that if her man really did go down this route there's barely a cat in hell's chance she could stop him. And it frightens the life out of her. Hence, she doesn't want him to actually be sexually aggressive, she wants him to _pretend _to be.
> 
> The late Mrs Beane and I would play this. She was an expert martial artist, but she was under no illusions that her skill would allow her to overcome me, since I had my own MA training and vastly more strength. She rated her chances as no better than 50/50.
> 
> A number of discussions have led me to conclude that while a lot of women like the sound of crying havoc and letting slip the dogs of war, they are far, far less comfortable with he idea of him *really *being off the chain.


It isn't about resistance. She wants to be devoured hungrily. With passion and fire. She is desiring it. Not resisting or having a rape fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> It isn't about resistance. She wants to be devoured hungrily. With passion and fire. She is desiring it. Not resisting or having a rape fantasy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She still wants the hunger to go on and off like a switch: for the passion to be "uncontrollable" except when she wants it controlled. Same difference. I suspect if the passion truly WAS uncontrollable she might be less enthused.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> One thing worth mentioning since low T keeps getting thrown around. Keep in mind, if he goes on T therapy, this is most likely a life long decision. There are obviously other benefits to this type of therapy, but hopefully is viewed as something more then just a way for the OP to get her H to be aggressive with her ....


Ellis, why would it need to be a life long decision? Are there adverse side effects?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> The idea of being "taken" by a man that is so wildly passionate that he *must* have you is appealing. Its not always so simple in reality. If a man really gives in to passion, there can be some chance of hurting his partner - she might not be fully aroused yet etc. That leads to men needing to remain mostly in control, while pretending to be out of control.
> 
> There are some women who are comfortable with being taken when their man wants the, but not all. I have to be careful to avoid hurting my wife during sex, so this sort of game wouldn't work for use - fun as it is in concept.


I understand what you mean Richard, but honestly don't think this would be an issue for me. I seem to get fully aroused quite quickly, perhaps because I could probably have sex a lot more often than I am so when it does happen, I seem to get to where I need to be fast. I realize this might not be the case for most women or even for myself long term.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> It isn't about resistance. She wants to be devoured hungrily. With passion and fire. She is desiring it. Not resisting or having a rape fantasy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> EllisRedding said:
> 
> 
> > One thing worth mentioning since low T keeps getting thrown around. Keep in mind, if he goes on T therapy, this is most likely a life long decision. There are obviously other benefits to this type of therapy, but hopefully is viewed as something more then just a way for the OP to get her H to be aggressive with her ....
> ...


You are replacing your body's natural testosterone production with the therapy. Eventually your body will no longer produce it's own testosterone, so the therapy will be required for the rest of your life.

Depending on the dosage this could be minimized, but you have to go into t therapy with the understanding you could be making a lifelong decision. The benefits may greatly outweigh this , but something worth considering.

This is why with everything you are saying (sex is great, you just wish he is more aggressive) I would be hesitant to just jump on the "pump him with t" option unless there are other symptoms that warrant it.


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## RayceCarrington (May 10, 2015)

slapping is violence...unacceptable behavior, don't listen to that advice


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Fitnessfan said:


> Exactly


Yeah. I think I'm actually bothered that some guys can't distinguish between hungry passion and full on beastial rape.

Humans are screwed up....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

I would have enjoyed some of this controlled aggression in our sex life as well. Unfortunately STBXH only got aggressive when he was drunk - which thankfully wasn't often while we were still together. I really hated drunk sex which was all about him mauling me until he either finished or passed out. The rest of the time we pretty much stuck to missionary and cowgirl. Not that it was bad, just that it got kind of boring sometimes. I don't think I've ever had multiple big Os in one session or even in one day before. Reading some of the other posts here, I honestly start wondering if I've ever had the kind of "earth shattering" climax I see talked about. We never had sex SO good it "rocked my world."

I found myself turning to romance novels and masturbation on a regular basis after we stopped having sex. I find myself most turned on by the kind of sex scenes Nora Roberts and Diana Palmer have in their newer books. If you want some pointers, try reading Roberts' Bride Quartet. Talk about alpha males!


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> I would have enjoyed some of this controlled aggression in our sex life as well. Unfortunately STBXH only got aggressive when he was drunk - which thankfully wasn't often while we were still together. *I really hated drunk sex* which was all about him mauling me until he either finished or passed out. The rest of the time we pretty much stuck to missionary and cowgirl. Not that it was bad, just that it got kind of boring sometimes. I don't think I've ever had multiple big Os in one session or even in one day before. Reading some of the other posts here, I honestly start wondering if I've ever had the kind of "earth shattering" climax I see talked about. We never had sex SO good it "rocked my world."
> 
> I found myself turning to romance novels and masturbation on a regular basis after we stopped having sex. I find myself most turned on by the kind of sex scenes Nora Roberts and Diana Palmer have in their newer books. If you want some pointers, try reading Roberts' Bride Quartet. Talk about alpha males!


Drunk sex is such a turn off. Unless I'm drunk too. :grin2:


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Fitnessfan said:


> I understand what you mean Richard, but honestly don't think this would be an issue for me. I seem to get fully aroused quite quickly, perhaps because I could probably have sex a lot more often than I am so when it does happen, I seem to get to where I need to be fast. I realize this might not be the case for most women or even for myself long term.


You're making a very good case for yourself as an ideal partner - lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Kilgoretrout said:


> You're making a very good case for yourself as an ideal partner - lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not ideal at all! I'm well aware I'm not always easy to live with and have enough of my own faults as most people do. Also, I seem to be in the per-menopause sex surge for the last several years and we all know that can't last forever.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

Fitnessfan said:


> I'm not ideal at all! I'm well aware I'm not always easy to live with and have enough of my own faults as most people do. Also, I seem to be in the per-menopause sex surge for the last several years and we all know that can't last forever.


I wasn't being ironic. A horny wife who can go all night - who could complain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Kilgoretrout said:


> Fitnessfan said:
> 
> 
> > I'm not ideal at all! I'm well aware I'm not always easy to live with and have enough of my own faults as most people do. Also, I seem to be in the per-menopause sex surge for the last several years and we all know that can't last forever.
> ...


You read that backward - she can get her buttons pushed pretty quickly - doesn't want or need to go all night.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Without trying to disrespect you, just tell him you want to be fu...cked like a **** once in a while.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. I think I'm actually bothered that some guys can't distinguish between hungry passion and full on beastial rape.
> 
> [/i][/size]


It's just the cognitive dissonance/disconnect around wanting "uncontrollable passion" that is actually_ fully controlled._


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
If that works for you, then that is great, enjoy!

I think the posts here make it clear that "aggressive" can mean very different things to different people. So sadly clear discussion is really necessary. It would be great though if your partner could somehow figure out what you wanted and do it. 

Communication is tougher than it sounds. My wife and I have played a little with her tying me up. It quickly became apparent that her idea of what would be fun didn't match my ideas nearly as well as either of us would have expected. What seems "natural" do to really varies a lot. 






Fitnessfan said:


> I understand what you mean Richard, but honestly don't think this would be an issue for me. I seem to get fully aroused quite quickly, perhaps because I could probably have sex a lot more often than I am so when it does happen, I seem to get to where I need to be fast. I realize this might not be the case for most women or even for myself long term.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It depends on the situation. Slapping someone for real is abuse. Slapping done as an agreed-upon part of consensual sex is something many couples enjoy. 

Consent is the key. The rules must be agreed upon and followed. As long as that is done, people can enjoy all sorts of things that would be assault / rape without the agreement. 






RayceCarrington said:


> slapping is violence...unacceptable behavior, don't listen to that advice


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## caracara (Nov 23, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > Lay him on the bed, get him totally worked up, take off most of your clothes and his...then get up and sashay out of the room mentioning something about cleaning the oven. Laugh the whole time you're walking away half naked. If he gets up and comes after you, run while laughing so he knows you know it's a game.
> ...


Mine would do the exact same thing.. Good she's gone, night-night!


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

anon said:


> You are going to have to come out and tell him in very clear tones, you want him to chase you, throw you down, and fvck the sh!t out of you!





Fitnessfan said:


> Anon, is that a common request? I wonder do most men DO that just without being asked? Do you really think he could be low T just because he doesn't initiate? He runs and lifts so I believe his cardiovascular health to be good. I'm not a shy woman but for some reason I'm having trouble communicating this with him. I wish I didn't have to spell it out, I want him to just know!!!


You know he can't read your mind. Worse, there is the old madonna-wh*** complex where you marry the good girl (the madonna) and long for the wh***.

Besides, most men are trains NEVER to be violent with women, especially their wives.

So you are going to have to take the bull by the horns and let him know. Tell him things like "I read a blog on line and it was about a husband who (fill in this space) and it really turned me on."

If hints like that don't work, just straight out tell him.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Fitnessfan said:


> Looking for advice on how to get my husband to be more aggressive in the bedroom? I'm happy with our sex life but I really am craving to be completely taken in a crazy way and my hints aren't working.


I've had this one fantasy where I buy a locking collar for my wife. She decides to put it on when she is feeling submissive and I get to take it off when I'm done with her.

To the OP: maybe instead of trying to drop subtle hints come out and tell him directly. Maybe get a set of those locking collar and cuffs along with a restraint system for the bed. (not sure if I'm allowed to link to amazon here). After kids are in bed come out wearing only the collar and cuffs?

Another way to communicate your submissiveness is to wear a certain jewelry like a locking anklet. The kids or anyone else won't know what it means but it could be you indicating to him your desire to be taken. Of course you would have to tell him what it means ahead of time. 

I've also heard of wives using a certain color of eye shadow or nail polish to indicate their desires for that night.

Again, all of this prefaces on him knowing what those subtle signals mean. So if you haven't told him that yet then that's where you need to start.

Maybe write a short story for him where you two are the only characters in the style of 50-shades. Send it to him towards the end of the day and ask him to check his email. That will get him thinking on his way home and then talk to him about it.


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

I know it sucks that he does not seem to want to come to the party!

But don't let that get you down. Maybe you could start to get a little more aggressive with him instead. Maybe he will pick up his game. Not too sure what you have tried in the past. Grab his testicles, treat them carefully at first. Most guys like it. Then you can start to get a little rough - nothing dangerous mind you. Perhaps go for some face sitting when he least expects it; start to cook in nothing but an apron and have supper naked then have your way with him. 

Hopefully, he will start to get the idea!


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