# Happy Friday!



## Saltynsweet

Hi! First, just want to say that I really appreciate having this forum and have learned so much from everyone here. The level of intelligence and insight has been far greater than many other forums available. 
I’m wanting to post today about a question I have that might sound ridiculous at first, to some, but I think it has merit. 
It’s regarding sex with my husband and it’s frequency...We’ve kind of hit a place in our marriage (23 years + 3 years dating), where we let it go for a couple weeks before we connect again. I am a bit annoyed at him for various things which also keeps me from wanting to get intimate. 
There is a point to this, but should I ask here, or wait to post on the appropriate forum!? I am not sure how this works...Thanks!! : )


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## Tasorundo

Asking here is fine, it can be moved later, or just discussed here.


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## arbitrator

*Welcome to the TAM Family, @Saltynsweet ~ you're among friends here!

Asking here would certainly be appropriate, but I'd love to hear a little more detail about your situation!

*


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## Saltynsweet

Great, okay, thank you...

Here are my thoughts: I was thinking of trying to figure out how to get over my irritations with him and have sex with my husband more frequently to see how that affects our overall relationship. 

That sounds so basic and obvious, but it’s not easy. When we’re arguing often and he’s on my nerves, (and vice versa), I really don’t want to be around him, so there’s a hard mental road-block that I would have to get over. 

I am wondering if we consciously up our sexual frequency, will that help us get along better, day to day? 
Does that help other couples? 
Do it even if annoyed and you become more connected? 
I have ALWAYS felt like I needed emotional connection and things need to be GOOD with us in order to open myself to him. I still feel this way. 
I am just now entertaining a different viewpoint and I’m willing to branch out of my comfort zone for our relationship. 

The other layer to this is, I wonder, do guys get bored with having sex with their wives, if they start doing it pretty frequently, (by that, I mean 3-4 times a week). 

Honestly, I have kind of enjoyed it being somewhat infrequent because I know we both are really craving it by the time we connect and it’s very passionate. I worry about losing that by diluting the intensity with too much frequency. 

I know each man is different, but I just wanted to know, in general, if it gets boring or you look forward to it less, when it’s several times a week. 

Fyi- we have NO normal or consistent pattern. 
We’ll do it every other day for a week, skip a couple weeks, then once here or there, skip a week, etc...it’s verrry sporatic. 

Also, I turn him down about 1% of the time. He is pretty passive and that annoys me too. 
If he were more agressive, we’d probably be doing it way more often/consistently. I definitely have responsive desire, except when ovulating! 

To be clear, he will randomly voice the lack of frequency in a non-confrontational way, usually more casual just to see how I react. 
Thanks for any insight...


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## arbitrator

Saltynsweet said:


> Great, okay, thank you...
> 
> Here are my thoughts: I was thinking of trying to figure out how to get over my irritations with him and have sex with my husband more frequently to see how that affects our overall relationship.
> 
> That sounds so basic and obvious, but it’s not easy. When we’re arguing often and he’s on my nerves, (and vice versa), I really don’t want to be around him, so there’s a hard mental road-block that I would have to get over.
> 
> I am wondering if we consciously up our sexual frequency, will that help us get along better, day to day?
> Does that help other couples?
> Do it even if annoyed and you become more connected?
> I have ALWAYS felt like I needed emotional connection and things need to be GOOD with us in order to open myself to him. I still feel this way.
> I am just now entertaining a different viewpoint and I’m willing to branch out of my comfort zone for our relationship.
> 
> The other layer to this is, I wonder, do guys get bored with having sex with their wives, if they start doing it pretty frequently, (by that, I mean 3-4 times a week).
> 
> Honestly, I have kind of enjoyed it being somewhat infrequent because I know we both are really craving it by the time we connect and it’s very passionate. I worry about losing that by diluting the intensity with too much frequency.
> 
> I know each man is different, but I just wanted to know, in general, if it gets boring or you look forward to it less, when it’s several times a week.
> 
> Fyi- we have NO normal or consistent pattern.
> We’ll do it every other day for a week, skip a couple weeks, then once here or there, skip a week, etc...it’s verrry sporatic.
> 
> Also, I turn him down about 1% of the time. He is pretty passive and that annoys me too.
> If he were more agressive, we’d probably be doing it way more often/consistently. I definitely have responsive desire, except when ovulating!
> 
> To be clear, he will randomly voice the lack of frequency in a non-confrontational way, usually more casual just to see how I react.
> Thanks for any insight...


*Even as a guy ages, his natural instinct and hormones do not! 

I can't really speak for others, but when I know when I was engaged in my relationships, that I greatly looked forward to "the next time," but also respected her desire not to be going at it like rabbits every single time! And with no resentment!

A good marriage is supposed to be a system of "give and take!"*


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## Tasorundo

I don't know what will specifically happen, but you could maybe make a list of pro's and con's.

If you try to have more sex with him, what is the downside? If you like it and he likes it, then maybe you will both be happier?

I would wonder why he is so passive about it though, is that an issue for you? Do you guys talk about that aspect of it?

If he is going to float a comment about how it has been a while, then can you respond you didn't know he wanted to?


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## Tilted 1

If you hold it back because of punishment then that will work against both of you, and resentment is the outcome which is much harder to overcome. In you post it sounds like you do.


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## Saltynsweet

Ahh, yes, I always look forward to the next time, but want to WANT it too...thank you for your thoughts!
Would it be appropriate for me to re-post this myself, in the ‘Sex in Marriage’ section? 
I might receive better exposure on this from there..m
I have re-typed some of it to make sense to someone just reading it for the first time- I have that version ready to post..please let me know if this is allowed! Thank you!


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## Tasorundo

I don't think anyone would mind if you did it there. Worst case they will just merge the two threads.


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## aquarius1

My husband was exactly the same. Vague comments but no direct “ask”

As someone who nearly blew up her marriage over the sex issue let me say this. It’s good that you care enough to be concerned.

Try to talk with your husband.
Read ANYTHING to do with males and their need for sex. Listen to Esther Perel. Read Dr John Gottman...ANYBODY.

It’s normal for us to feel like not having intimacy when upset.
But if your husband is like many males, he equates intimacy with emotional recovery, connection and healing. 

There is no NORMAL. Sex drive ebbs and flows with our stress levels and busyness.

Put yourself out there when things are rocky. Yes, you need time to cool off, but I’ve become a big fan of “angry sex”.
I am surprised how it eases the tension, and he rarely says no.

From personal experience I know how it makes you feel when your partner rarely initiates. It leaves you feeling undesirable.

But it may be that his clues are more subtle than someone overt. So now I ask him “are you trying to get me into bed?” Or some other such thing so that there is no miscommunication.


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## Saltynsweet

Great questions...what’s the worst that can happen if we do it much more often?? 
Hmm, I am thinking he’ll lose interest in me, if I dig deep into the depths of my reservations. I don’t want sex together to get ‘old.’ 

I like the idea of telling him I didn’t know he was interested when he floats the random comment about frequency. 
He is generally passive, with everything, and it irritates me. 
With work though, no...just relationships, things around the house, etc. 
Also, no, this is not intended to be punishment. If he asked and I kept turning him down, then I could see how that would fit. 
But it’s more like we just get on eachothers’ nerves and sex just falls away.
He will NEVER admit that he is not satisfied...he’ll go forever and act like everything is fine, while dropping random, mildly sarcastic comments. 
But we’ll argue increasingly more, the longer we go without that intimacy.


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## Saltynsweet

Aquarius, it’s good to know there are others that get this side of it! 
He does a subtle initiation sometimes (I love how you ask if your husband is trying to get you in bed!) and sometimes it’s very overt...like pulls my shirt down and goes to town after a minute of hugging or kissing. 
It’s just, I wonder if we were doing it more often, if our common disagreements would drop off the radar, at least to a degree? 
I think I’d like to try more often just to see, but I am a terrible initiator especially because he isn’t always receptive when I am in the mood. 
That’s kind of another problem- even if I fully believed more sex would help a ton, I couldn’t necessarily get that just because I want it. 
A lot of men say that the woman is the ultimate decider on if it will happen ir not, but if he just isn’t up for it, the woman has to step back and be okay with that too. 
I am willing 99% of the time that he initiates, (which is very random), so he pretty much knows that if he wants it, I’ll be good to go. 
That feels so unfair to me. I can’t make him get hard. 
And for the record, I’m in good shape, 41 and always up for adventure in and out of bed. : ) 
He should want me all the time, haha! But the reality is, men are not machines and I get it.


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## aquarius1

Saltynsweet said:


> Great questions...what’s the worst that can happen if we do it much more often??
> Hmm, I am thinking he’ll lose interest in me, if I dig deep into the depths of my reservations. I don’t want sex together to get ‘old.’
> 
> I like the idea of telling him I didn’t know he was interested when he floats the random comment about frequency.
> He is generally passive, with everything, and it irritates me.
> With work though, no...just relationships, things around the house, etc.
> Also, no, this is not intended to be punishment. If he asked and I kept turning him down, then I could see how that would fit.
> But it’s more like we just get on eachothers’ nerves and sex just falls away.
> He will NEVER admit that he is not satisfied...he’ll go forever and act like everything is fine, while dropping random, mildly sarcastic comments.
> But we’ll argue increasingly more, the longer we go without that intimacy.


That becomes a vicious cycle. Please don’t go there. It became so pathetic for us I’m embarrassed to say how infrequently we had sex. I’m surprised we didn’t divorce.


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## EleGirl

It is completely within your control whether or not you let go of the things that irritate you about your husband.

People often get to a point where they automatically react in a certain manner to a situation/stimulus even though their automatic reaction only serves to hurt themselves. Humans have the ability to stop harmful automatic reactions. We cannot help the initial reaction that triggers immediately. What we can do is that when we have an automatic reaction, we can stop, step back, evaluate, and change our reaction. You have complete control over this.

A good place to start in addressing your mindset is the book "Divorce Busting". In the book, pay special attention to the chapter about changing the environment (or how to change the patterns in your relationship by changing yourself).

There is also Cognitive Behavior Therapy that is very helpful. It's probably the only form of therapy that actually has good results. It does not spend a lot of time ruminating over every slight/harm you have suffered in your life, your marriage, etc. Instead it looks at the results and behaviors you want and helps you get there. 

The bottom line is that you cannot change our husband. The only person you can change is yourself. So focus on yourself.

After that, you would benefit from reading the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them in that order. You both need to stop the love busters. Once you do that, you can get on with restructuring your relationship to rebuild and maintain the passion that makes being married worth while. Read these two books yourself first, then talk to him and see if he will read them with you and do the work with you.

Beyond that, if you would share particular thing that bother you by giving some examples, we might be able to help you learn to react to them in a way that does not trigger resentment and other negative emotions.


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## Tilted 1

Salty said: Also, no, this is not intended to be punishment. If he asked and I kept turning him down, then I could see how that would fit.
But it’s more like we just get on eachothers’ nerves and sex just falls away.
And: He is generally passive, with everything, and it irritates me.

Again l bring up resentment on his end being passive can really be passive aggressive, him believing that if he irritates you so, it's somewhat a power issue. And therefore continues to do the same. It could be a familiar reasoning to him if he saw this while growing up. And then places his emotional crutch on you per se. 

And since you hold the trump card (the sex) creates a irritated state he dwells in. Until you submit to him in a way he see's that he won the battle. It is inmaturity on his end. But again it could be that is what he saw growing up.


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## Tilted 1

And nooooo! as a general rule men never get tired of that.

Aquarius said: 

It’s normal for us to feel like not having intimacy when upset.
But if your husband is like many males, he equates intimacy with emotional recovery, connection and healing.

Great advice!!!


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## badsanta

Saltynsweet said:


> ...Here are my thoughts: I was thinking of trying to figure out how to get over my irritations with him and have sex with my husband more frequently to see how that affects our overall relationship.
> 
> That sounds so basic and obvious, but it’s not easy. When we’re arguing often and he’s on my nerves, (and vice versa), I really don’t want to be around him, so there’s a hard mental road-block that I would have to get over.
> 
> I am wondering if we consciously up our sexual frequency, will that help us get along better, day to day?
> Does that help other couples?
> Do it even if annoyed and you become more connected?
> I have ALWAYS felt like I needed emotional connection and things need to be GOOD with us in order to open myself to him. I still feel this way.
> I am just now entertaining a different viewpoint and I’m willing to branch out of my comfort zone for our relationship.
> 
> The other layer to this is, I wonder, do guys get bored with having sex with their wives, if they start doing it pretty frequently, (by that, I mean 3-4 times a week).
> 
> Honestly, I have kind of enjoyed it being somewhat infrequent because I know we both are really craving it by the time we connect and it’s very passionate. I worry about losing that by diluting the intensity with too much frequency.
> 
> I know each man is different, but I just wanted to know, in general, if it gets boring or you look forward to it less, when it’s several times a week.



Thanks for sharing, this is an interesting post because it addresses something my wife always tells me. She needs to feel connected in order to be receptive to sexual intimacy. We ended up scheduling things for a year and it drastically changed the dynamics (but we had other issues we were contending with). 

So when you schedule intimacy and you just make it happen, even if things are NOT connecting on an emotional level, here is how that has worked out in my marriage. When we have our moment together we start out with about an hour of nonsexual intimacy. We get in bed together and begin cuddling and giving each other a back rub. Then my wife unloads on me regarding all the things she is struggling with and we digest those things as a couple. In most other scenarios this would be annoying, but I am in the mindset of, "we are about to get it on, let me try and understand where she is coming from and be more aware of these things in our marriage!" After about 45 minutes of that, THEN we finally begin to connect. It can actually be a very arousing and passionate experience because it is an exercise in being vulnerable and patient. Sometimes going through this process my wife may still not be able to get in the mood, but we are connected enough that she still enjoys making me happy. 

So with the above process there have been times where my wife admitted she was angry with me and no way was anything going to happen, but it surprised her at how intense and passionate everything just was. It is not a perfect process, but I think it is great for couples to work on exactly this. If you are angry and putting distance, you need to stop and make a connection. The reward of great sex as a result can really change the dynamics of a marriage for the better. 

Regarding frequency, that is a whole different topic. In my opinion it is best to just allow things to happen naturally and ONLY schedule things in the event too much time has passed without a connection. I would say you and your husband should set a rule that if the two of you have not had sex naturally at least once a week that you each need to let your guards down and just make it happen. Otherwise you loose the aspect of really great moments as a couple when it just happens and it is great. 

Can there be a thing such as too much sex and do men get bored? This to me feels more like a question about performance anxiety. If you purposely make it happen often and as a couple feel a need to compare the quality of lovemaking/relationship to see if there is always some kind of improvement, this could create performance anxiety. Which often looks and feels like just loosing your mojo. 

Sometimes desire needs distance, and I think you have learned to appreciate just that. However sometimes there are little things that you can do for one another to make that little bit of distance rather exquisite. For example you could tell your husband that you are interested in buying some lingerie and ask him to research some examples of things he likes and point them out to you. This is kind of the equivalent of sending him off to go look at porn but he will visualize you in everything he sees. When he shows you what he likes, he will point out the things that compliments his favorite attributes about you, and you can ask him "why" something that would look good on you. Then he will tell you how beautiful you are (hopefully!). Then tell him you will think about it and that perhaps you might get something like that the next time you are out shopping and surprise him. The whole point to this is you want him thinking about YOU while you are apart and may not have time to connect. If you endorse this, he will love you for it! At the end of the day you don't even have to go out and buy lingerie as you'll have already reaped all the benefits of getting him to think about you in sexy ways during his times apart from you. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Mr. Nail

I'm going to cut up your posts to comment and answer piecemeal.


Saltynsweet said:


> Hi! First, just want to say that I really appreciate having this forum and have learned so much from everyone here. The level of intelligence and insight has been far greater than many other forums available.
> I’m wanting to post today about a question I have that might sound ridiculous at first, to some, but I think it has merit.
> It’s regarding sex with my husband and it’s frequency..*.We’ve kind of hit a place in our marriage (23 years + 3 years dating), where we let it go for a couple weeks before we connect again.*


So almost sexless. Marriage is almost dead. Only hanging on out of habit.


Saltynsweet said:


> *I am a bit annoyed at him for various things which also keeps me from wanting to get intimate. *
> There is a point to this, but should I ask here, or wait to post on the appropriate forum!? I am not sure how this works...Thanks!! : )


And There is the reason. Long term annoyance, whether he has earned it (continuously?) or not. Is pretty much going to destroy a relationship. It interrupts communication and when that breaks down the trust dissolves.



Saltynsweet said:


> Great, okay, thank you...
> 
> Here are my thoughts: *I was thinking of trying to figure out how to get over my irritations with him and have sex with my husband more frequently to see how that affects our overall relationship.*


Good Idea, this actually worked for us for quite some time. There are hormonal reasons that this works. The trick we used to get past the resistance and anger was to have another kind of sex. Some couples call it make up sex. Do what works for you.



Saltynsweet said:


> The other layer to this is,* I wonder, do guys get bored with having sex with their wives, if they start doing it pretty frequently, (by that, I mean 3-4 times a week).*
> 
> Honestly, I have kind of enjoyed it being somewhat infrequent because I know we both are really craving it by the time we connect and it’s very passionate. I worry about losing that by diluting the intensity with too much frequency.


No in fact this is where most men differ from most women. The more often we have sex with the same woman the more we want it. I don't know what to advise you about your dilution. but I doubt it will dilute him. Right now Mrs. Nail and I are about on your schedule (almost sexless) And I don't look forward to reconnecting. I want to be done. What I am tired of is waiting until my balls ache then getting a one and done that just gets me hungry.




Saltynsweet said:


> Also, I turn him down about 1% of the time. He is pretty passive and that annoys me too.
> If he were more agressive, we’d probably be doing it way more often/consistently. I definitely have responsive desire, except when ovulating!
> .


So no one initiates and no sex happens. 
I'd be finding out why he isn't interested enough to initiate. 
Porn, Age, Embarrassment, Depression . . . .Who knows


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## SunCMars

Saltynsweet said:


> I don’t want sex together to get ‘old.’



*Huh?*

Do orgasms ever 'get old'?

The point of sex is to get close, both mentally and physically and to get 'off'. :grin2:

Think of all the orgasms "ya coulda had!"


Lilith-


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## Saltynsweet

Thank you for the solid recommendations. I am open to them, but unfortunately we’ve tried reading/learning together but nothing quite sticks. 
Maybe for a time, but as with most people, things go back to the status quo. 

Over the last few years I have done a lot of introspection and learning. I’ve become very aware of how my actions/behaviors are my own to be responsible for. 
Admittedly, I have my own knee-jerk response patterns that I am still trying to let go of. 

He has not had a lot of personal growth, at least in important areas, so that is something that gets to me. 
I know there is no changing him. 
I am just wondering if more intimacy will truly help or hinder...either by us getting tired of it, or by just covering up other issues. 
I know when the sex slows way down, it’s a symptom of other marital issues. 
We’ve always had our share, but we’ve been good at not taking things too seriously. 

Some things I find irritating are when I notice I am doing the majority of the discipline with our kids, he offers almost no guidance, like in life aspects, it’s pretty much ALL me.
I have to tell him to say something to our 13 year old son when he is being a smart mouth, etc...Then dumb small things like he refuses to hang towels up after use, he leaves trash in my car after I ask him over and over not to, does not replace the tp, like EVER, doesn’t do the couple things I ask him to do around the house until I ask 10 times over the course of 6 months...wow, written out he sounds like a gem, haha! He works A LOT. So basically his thinking is, he is busy and doesn’t need to becheld responsible for a lot of other stuff. 
He will throw in some laundry at times and wash dishes on occasion. 
And I KNOW I have my downfalls, for sure. But, when it comes to what he asks of me, or needs from me, I am here for him.


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## EleGirl

Saltynsweet said:


> Aquarius, it’s good to know there are others that get this side of it!
> He does a subtle initiation sometimes (I love how you ask if your husband is trying to get you in bed!) and sometimes it’s very overt...like pulls my shirt down and goes to town after a minute of hugging or kissing.
> It’s just, *I wonder if we were doing it more often, if our common disagreements would drop off the radar, at least to a degree?*


Yes, if you did it more often, you both would not be so bothered by these things that are irritating you both. Why?

Because of oxytocin, dopamine and other feel-good hormones. Just looking at oxytocin... it's the bonding and the "amnesia" hormone. It's the hormone that makes a person feel that in-love feeing. It's the hormone that makes us see our partner/spouse though rose colored glasses.

A good example of the power of oxytocin over the human emotions is child birth. When a woman goes into labor, her brain starts producing and up taking oxytocin in large quantities. That's why by the time she has given birth and is handed her new born baby she is strongly bonded to that baby. And it's why women do not really remember the level of pain of child birth. The oxytocin is like a clock that helps a women forget the actual level of child birth pain. Basically, if there was not oxytocin, there would be no second children. 

So what does this mean about a love relationship? Oxytocin is what binds a couple together and it's what helps them gloss over each other's flows. When a marriage/relationship is neglected for a long time like yours has been, the levels of oxytocin get so low that the relationship falls apart. Women are more affected by low oxytocin levels then men are. When a woman's oxytocin level gets too love, she gets to the point that she does not want to be touched. However, there is a silver lining, it's 100% possible to fix this by doing things that drive up oxytocin levels.

When a couple spends a lot of quality time together and has a lot of sex, their brain starts producing an up taking a lot of oxytocin and other feelgood hormones. They are basically sort-of drunk on the stuff. Have you ever noticed that when a couple is in the initial stages of a relationship they are often just giddy with love and don't seem to notice the flaws in each other? That's oxytocin at work. It helps bind a couple together. At about the 18-24 month point the level of oxytocin decreases and the couple enters what we call 'mature love' phase. At this point, if the couple does not work to maintain the 'infatuation', their relationship will deteriorate and the partners/spouse will start seeing each other through hyper reality lenses - just like where you are now where the two of you mostly see each other flaws and are really irritated with each other much of the time.

It's completely possible to rebuild the passion/infatuation in a relationship by doing the things that get oxytocin levels up in both of you. How? You have to spend more quality time together. You have to have a lot more sex because is the greatest generator of oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. This is why people usually feel pretty blissful after sex.

The best guides I know of for how to do this are the two books I recommended earlier: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". 

The idea is the same as that of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Stop ruminating over the irritations/problems. Define what you want your relationship to be like. Then just start faking it until you make it.

If your husband is not initially onboard with reading the books and doing the work. You could be the inspiration to lead him to the path that will fix your marriage.


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## EleGirl

Saltynsweet said:


> I think I’d like to try more often just to see, but I am a terrible initiator especially because he isn’t always receptive when I am in the mood.
> 
> That’s kind of another problem- even if I fully believed more sex would help a ton, I couldn’t necessarily get that just because I want it.
> 
> A lot of men say that the woman is the ultimate decider on if it will happen ir not, but if he just isn’t up for it, the woman has to step back and be okay with that too.
> 
> I am willing 99% of the time that he initiates, (which is very random), so he pretty much knows that if he wants it, I’ll be good to go.
> That feels so unfair to me. I can’t make him get hard.
> 
> And for the record, I’m in good shape, 41 and always up for adventure in and out of bed. : )
> 
> He should want me all the time, haha! But the reality is, men are not machines and I get it.


A marriage in which sex occurs 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage.

You are right that women do not have the ultimate control over a couples' sex life. Men do have equal control and many men choose to exercise that control by not having sex or by acting out scenarios that put them in control. The fact is that men are as likely to decide to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as women are. 

I experienced this in my marriage. It's actually fairly common. But most people are not aware of this. Here is a link to a thread on the topic. It has some resources posted that might help you. It's a long thread. So read at least the first couple of pages where the resources have been posted.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## Mr. Nail

I'm Back! this is just so good. this initiation problem. I've suffered a wife with reactive desire for way too long. I don't know how to fix it. But I can't help but wonder , If the desire reacts to him getting things started, wouldn't it also react to you getting things started?


Saltynsweet said:


> Aquarius, it’s good to know there are others that get this side of it!
> He does a subtle initiation sometimes (I love how you ask if your husband is trying to get you in bed!) I thought that was a good line too. I think I've used it a time or two. and sometimes it’s very overt...like pulls my shirt down and goes to town after a minute of hugging or kissing.
> It’s just, I wonder if we were doing it more often, if our common disagreements would drop off the radar, at least to a degree?
> 
> Best way to win any argument, always has been always will be. But wait there's more, When your marriage is infused regularly with bonding sex hormones disagreements just don't happen. Why? because there is always something better to do.
> 
> I think I’d like to try more often just to see, but I am a terrible initiator especially because he isn’t always receptive when I am in the mood.
> That’s kind of another problem- even if I fully believed more sex would help a ton, I couldn’t necessarily get that just because I want it.
> A lot of men say that the woman is the ultimate decider on if it will happen ir not, but if he just isn’t up for it, the woman has to step back and be okay with that too.
> I am willing 99% of the time that he initiates, (which is very random), so he pretty much knows that if he wants it, I’ll be good to go.
> 
> Yep I've been in your shoes here, In fact I don't initiate any more. I've already received my lifetime quota of rejections and I ain't lining up for more.
> 
> That feels so unfair to me. I can’t make him get hard.
> 
> Get that man into a doctor there may be more at risk than you think. At least rule out the medical reasons.
> 
> And for the record, I’m in good shape, 41 and always up for adventure in and out of bed. : )
> He should want me all the time, haha! But the reality is, men are not machines and I get it.


You married young.


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## aquarius1

EleGirl said:


> Yes, if you did it more often, you both would not be so bothered by these things that are irritating you both. Why?
> 
> Because of oxytocin, dopamine and other feel-good hormones. Just looking at oxytocin... it's the bonding and the "amnesia" hormone. It's the hormone that makes a person feel that in-love feeing. It's the hormone that makes us see our partner/spouse though rose colored glasses.
> 
> A good example of the power of oxytocin over the human emotions is child birth. When a woman goes into labor, her brain starts producing and up taking oxytocin in large quantities. That's why by the time she has given birth and is handed her new born baby she is strongly bonded to that baby. And it's why women do not really remember the level of pain of child birth. The oxytocin is like a clock that helps a women forget the actual level of child birth pain. Basically, if there was not oxytocin, there would be no second children.
> 
> So what does this mean about a love relationship? Oxytocin is what binds a couple together and it's what helps them gloss over each other's flows. When a marriage/relationship is neglected for a long time like yours has been, the levels of oxytocin get so low that the relationship falls apart. Women are more affected by low oxytocin levels then men are. When a woman's oxytocin level gets too love, she gets to the point that she does not want to be touched. However, there is a silver lining, it's 100% possible to fix this by doing things that drive up oxytocin levels.
> 
> When a couple spends a lot of quality time together and has a lot of sex, their brain starts producing an up taking a lot of oxytocin and other feelgood hormones. They are basically sort-of drunk on the stuff. Have you ever noticed that when a couple is in the initial stages of a relationship they are often just giddy with love and don't seem to notice the flaws in each other? That's oxytocin at work. It helps bind a couple together. At about the 18-24 month point the level of oxytocin decreases and the couple enters what we call 'mature love' phase. At this point, if the couple does not work to maintain the 'infatuation', their relationship will deteriorate and the partners/spouse will start seeing each other through hyper reality lenses - just like where you are now where the two of you mostly see each other flaws and are really irritated with each other much of the time.
> 
> It's completely possible to rebuild the passion/infatuation in a relationship by doing the things that get oxytocin levels up in both of you. How? You have to spend more quality time together. You have to have a lot more sex because is the greatest generator of oxytocin and other feel-good hormones. This is why people usually feel pretty blissful after sex.
> 
> The best guides I know of for how to do this are the two books I recommended earlier: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".
> 
> The idea is the same as that of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Stop ruminating over the irritations/problems. Define what you want your relationship to be like. Then just start faking it until you make it.
> 
> If your husband is not initially onboard with reading the books and doing the work. You could be the inspiration to lead him to the path that will fix your marriage.


As a point of reference it took 8 months of purposeful, sustained effort on my part before he truly began to lower his defences.

And after 27 years of marriage he was most certainly worth the wait. He is the kind, attentive, open man that I always wanted.

Results not guaranteed.

I figured that I was a winner either way. I was a better person for him and for myself.


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## Lila

OP is banned therefore this thread is closed.


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