# Tortured with being asked for bj's almost daily!!!! LONG post-NEW here.



## bestestfriends (Feb 15, 2012)

First off, I'm new here and need to vent please. I'm open to suggestions that don't involve anyone telling me to leave my hubby. I'm a believer in working through problems for my own marriage as long as they don't pose a health risk. I'm open to any other suggestions....

Okay, some background first. I am a very attractive and petite female that married a guy for his awesome personality but when facts are needed, he's 260 lbs. I don't have a problem with that and quite prefer some meat on a man's bones and LOVE his awesome personality and big heart when he shows it. When we go anywhere people always come up to us when they know us a bit better and comment that they can't believe that Dennis got a girl like that. The reason for all of this b.s. from me is because he gets a tickle from the attention and always wants to show me off. We've been married for 13 yrs now. The biggest problem is that I have a sex drive that is odd. I like only to have sex and like it quite often. About every night, sometimes twice a day, or at least twice a week. I also don't like to sit and have an hour long session and 5-20 minutes suits me wonderfully and visa versa. We both agree in that part of the department. BUT, He only likes blow jobs period. Now that doesn't sound so bad to most but he uses when we only have sex once a week to once every 3 weeks as a manipulation tool to make me feel bad to have to trade a blow job in return. One sex for a bj. GGGggggrrrrrrrrrrr. I want to rip it off sometimes. How he manipulates me is by being mean to me, laying around the house when we had plans, and being crabby all day to everyone and rants about how we are poor and about the bills, or how life sucks until I give in. He texts me all day too saying things like, " You ready for a shot of protein", "Sooooo....... (this means you ready yet)", "I need to releive some pressure" That's his crap side. Then there's a nice side to this. So confusing and manipulative. When he is hurt, sick, or buys me a really nice gift he doesn't really say anything and then the next day he is crappy. What that always tells me is that on any holiday, illness, or anything nice he expects a return gift. If he goes longer than 2 weeks without harrassing me he'll nicely ask if I noticed that I didn't harrass him!!!!!:banghead: Grrrrrrr again.

He can be a jerk like this but when he has been serviced.... He is the guy I love and we are hilarious and best friends together and we have the most fun a couple could have. I talk to him all the time and tell him I wish that I had braces. Joking aside, in tears I have told him exactly that I hate that he manipulates me to do that and that it is not fair. 

I am also NOT open to occassionally once in a blue moon anymore. I want them to be gone forever. It is mentally abusive for any amount to me.

When I was 14, a totally different person that was 19yrs old got me drunk and asked me to give him a bj and I said no. That guy grabbed my hair and that was that. - I have a lot of sexual trauma in my life from early on and while hubby is the gentlest man ever, he is manipulative and that hurts. He even offers to pay me at times. I'm guilty of accepting sometimes on that one but I really don't want to EVER give one again. Currently, the creep is getting them once a week. It hurts my neck, my jaw, my feelings and, sighhhhh, I hate HATE hate them.

When we were young and first married, he used to tell friends about how great I am at them and he has been fixated ever since even after the friends are gone. I want him to forget that I can do them. I know I am very attractive, not perfect by any stretch mind you-stretch marks and some adult acne and any other ailments a 29 yr old mother of 4 would have but other than that, I know I am pretty but to be honest I feel not 3/4 as attractive as when we first met and that makes me feel really very unattractive. I only care about what he thinks. People see me on the outside and judge, but he gets to see the parts of me that makes me feel vulnerable. He has once mentioned to me that he read about a vaginal rejuvenation?????? :scratchhead: HOW RUDE..... I know that I don't have a problem there but when considered to what felacio must feel like how can I compete?? Actually, once I asked to buy him a man toy and he was unimpressed and offended. He has porn on his phone about bj's and I'm fine with that if only it would help. It doens't. It makes it worse because I feel like a doll.

I had tried for a few months once going on strike but he was so crappy that it wasn't worth our marriage. I had divorced him once 4 yrs ago and remarried him (unrelated issue) because I saw that we just have issues that can be dealt with. That is why I am here venting..... Because I am coping until I can afford to go to counseling. He won't go with me but I won't let that stop me from going alone. I love him dearly and know that he just has an addiction and that I have past trauma. Any ideas to cope????:smthumbup:


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## bestestfriends (Feb 15, 2012)

Wanted to add: I talk to him about EVERYTHING and mentioned about finding an STD free "friend" with no strings attached to satisfy his needs. He was smiling from ear to ear and when I asked about me finding a no strings attached friend he said that it's different because it's sex. ??????????? I have a sex drive from hell but I'm stumped because he loves sex, I thought, just he has went from sex to bj's only? So confused.... What to do..


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

All I can say is wow!!!!! You have a screwed up idea about sex and control. Sorry but 20 minutes for sex is actually above average. The fact your husband controls you and demands bj's and you have to service him and he complains and makes you feel inferior is again just sad.

I don't understand some women and their inability to say no or demand respect.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Your husband pays you to give him BJs?

There's so much wrong with that I don't even know where to start, and it's not with 'joint bank account'.


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## bestestfriends (Feb 15, 2012)

I am being honest and I'm holding onto hope that it is treatable for my hubby or I would leave. I know that he honestly is sick with this as an addiction because we have talked about it. I just know that in the past he had stopped and that ended up being temporary and he fell back. I am going to say no and that's why I was posting here to get my courage up by having others read my vent. After tonight it starts. Wish me luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> he even offers to pay me at times. I'm guilty of accepting sometimes on that one but i really don't want to ever give one again. Currently, the creep is getting them once a week.


what the f*ck??


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe, being over weight he has a hard time performing sex and gets tired easily. He is manipulative and you have issues


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Apparently he's not short of cash. 

The rest of it sounds like some sort of dysfunctional compromise.

He likes bj's, she wants sex, they both get what they want and she gets spending money.

Weird, yes. 

But I've read worse.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bestest,
Your original post was painful to read. 

Let me give you something to think about. You nicely tell him that for now - and the foreseeable future - that is off the table. And then you tell him you are glad to make more of an effort in other ways to make sure he knows how important he is to you - but ONLY if he handles this like a grown up. If instead he acts like a jerk, you are not going to go the extra mile in other ways. 

I think it is a BAD idea for him to find a BJ buddy. It will likely destabilize your marriage over time. The divorce rates for "open marriages" are scary high. As for "sex" being different than BJ's - that is nonsense. He just wants what he wants and is not ok with you playing the same game. 




bestestfriends said:


> I am being honest and I'm holding onto hope that it is treatable for my hubby or I would leave. I know that he honestly is sick with this as an addiction because we have talked about it. I just know that in the past he had stopped and that ended up being temporary and he fell back. I am going to say no and that's why I was posting here to get my courage up by having others read my vent. After tonight it starts. Wish me luck.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Is it wrong that I laughed at the thread title? Sorry, I read it as someone being tortured _by_ BJs. 

"No! Stop! I'll confess! Well . . . maybe a little more torture first".

Umm, anyway, I think that, among other things, your husband's fitness is probably an issue. If he had more energy he'd use it with you. Any chance you could get him to work out? Maybe start a program yourself and see if he follows along after while.

Secondly, and more importantly, you need to have longer sex sessions. Go for quality over quantity for a while. Have more foreplay than anything else. The more you'll do this the more loving you'll feel towards each other and therefore the more likely you'll both be to consider each other's sexual needs. Right now the diet of mutual quickies is not helping your cause. In fact, some forms of sex seem to actually diminish your capacity for bonding, to a certain extent. I almost guarantee that lots of kissing (lots and lots) will ramp up your sex life. Also, be more affectionate outside of the bedroom, too. Lots of touching and stuff. Don't make it all mechanical. Turn yourself on by thinking about sex with him.

When he sends you those texts, reply about doing something else to him, too. Don't swap one thing for another, but say something like, "I can't wait to kiss you all over", or whatever. It's sort of an A + B event, rather than just the one thing he is on about.

Eventually, he should naturally start to feel more inclined to pay more attention to you and he should also start to prefer PIV sex, since those bonding chemicals will kick in and make him want more.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I would add that with the "addiction" comes victim status which can be used to justify lots of things without taking any personal responsibility. If he owns the addiction, the owns the process of fixing it. The spouse can only offer support. I would not think enabling him and taking any ownership for his problem is the loving thing to do.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Ok... so you prefer sex and nothing else. He fills that need. He prefers BJs and nothing else. And you feel that you shouldn't fill that need.

So you stop giving him BJs and he stops having sex with you. Neither of your needs will be met and there will be nothing but conflict left. 

What you should have done was told him from the start that you do not give BJs and if that was a deal breaker then move along. Instead you gave in because you wanted to make him happy and be with him. But now you don't feel the need to do this anymore so he should just accept it.

Be prepared to lose what you want if he has to lose what he wants.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

bestestfriends said:


> First off, I'm new here and need to vent please. I'm open to suggestions that don't involve anyone telling me to leave my hubby. I'm a believer in working through problems for my own marriage as long as they don't pose a health risk.


I'm not gonna suggest you leave him, because it sounds like you are both made for one another. 

If you feel he is manipulating you, its because you are letting him. If you truly do not want to do something, put your foot down and say no and don't do it. BUT expect him to do the same if there is something he doesn't want to do, and you can't complain if he does. 

Also do you always refer to him as a creep? I think maybe you are associating him with the "creep" that made you give a bj long time ago and other sexual trauma.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Speed said:


> Ok... so you prefer sex and nothing else. He fills that need. He prefers BJs and nothing else. And you feel that you shouldn't fill that need.
> 
> So you stop giving him BJs and he stops having sex with you. Neither of your needs will be met and there will be nothing but conflict left.
> 
> ...


I just don't get this. You love your man and he loves oral sex. What's the problem Our role in the bedroom should include trying to meet the needs/interests of our spouses. You should try your hardest to be the sex goddess of his dreams.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I truly think you did make a mistake into introducing the idea of an open marriage. They rarely work and it surly will cause damage to the point of being repaired. Have you found someone to satisfy your own needs? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I truly did not love giving bj's until my husband and I were connected on an emotional level and when I gained the confidence too. Like you, I suffered from sexual trama in the past. My husband asked for bj's in the beginning of our marriage, but eventually gave up. Out of the blue I surprised him and now we do the bj's as mostly foreplay. I like sex too, but if I fully succeeded performing, that would mean no sex for me. 

It actually sounds like your husband is too tired to do the work of giving you sex, therefore having a bj, he does nothing in return to satisfy you. I don't know what would fix your problem. Maybe marriage counceling or a sex therapist? Your marriage currently does not sound healthy and there's some work that needs to be done to repair it.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatmeworry (Feb 7, 2012)

Well....i have to say this....you must be very good at it for him to want it so much. My wife loves to give me bjs, and I love to receive them from her. Nothing better watching her on her knees, looking up at me while she go's down on me. It makes me so horny, and we always have great sex after she stops.


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