# How to broach personal grooming with husband



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Six years into marriage, i'm 31, H is 38. I don't think I am a fussy person, but recent developments for me made me wonder if I am bothered by my H's slipping standards of personal grooming and self care. I don't mean hygiene issues so much, more issues like... ugh... 

* I don't know why but he always tries to go to cheap places for hair cuts and he gets what he pays for. 

* He is half mediterranean and so he has hairy eyebrows (monobrow-ish) and when he has a beard he doesn't maintain it too well. 

* His oral health is very good (he is very fussy) but he has an area of a crown tooth at the front that is wearing away and there is basically a brown streak down the side of his tooth. 

* Skin care, he use to be more fussy about that too, but he doesn't do anything for his skin now, and he gets bad blackheads that are quite visible on his nose.

* In terms of how he dresses, he has gone down hill in that department. And again, I am not fussy, but he will wear things that don't match, he will wear t shirts with holes, a bright blue and white homie G cap that he got for Christmas with clothes that don't match at all. 

He has put on weight since.marriage, partly due to habits and partly due to a medication he is on, but he hasn't done much to lose it. He is limited in terms of what he can do for exercise because of injuries, but even so, I feel like he cola out and doesn't take enough initiative or do what he CAN do.

I hadn't given it alot of thought until recently, but I am wondering if it is putting a damper on my attraction for him. I feel horrible saying that. And when it crossed my mind before, I dismissed it.

I am scared that we are not that old but he acts like an old man with the self care stuff, and "it's all down hill from here".

Have you faced a similar issue with your spouse? If do, how did you address it with them sensitively?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I had a similar issue with my hubby, in that it was a weekend and he hadn't showered that day. He was going to just get into bed and have one in the morning!

I said, no way - you wouldn't have done that when we were dating, and you're not going to start doing it now. He was "oh but I'm so tired", I assured him it was fine and that I'd go and sleep in our daughters room then. He showered.

Problem solved


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds a lot like me. My wife lets me know when I am slipping. Things were pretty bad when I was suffering from depression, I am not implying that your husband has depression. Now my wife lets me wear what I want unless we are going somewhere nice, or visiting family. We have compromised. Hygiene is pretty important in my job, so I cannot help you there. 

You may just need to sit down and have a fairly blunt discussion with him.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

One thing I have learned is that you cannot dance around the bush with men. You have to be direct. Having said that, you can still be kind and direct, but direct none-the-less.

Good luck


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I said, no way - you wouldn't have done that when we were dating, and you're not going to start doing it now. He was "oh but I'm so tired", I assured him it was fine and that I'd go and sleep in our daughters room then. He showered.


I think that's a very good way to handle it. Judging by these forums, it seems to be a problem pretty equally shared by men and women.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JustHer said:


> One thing I have learned is that you cannot dance around the bush with men. You have to be direct. Having said that, you can still be kind and direct, but direct none-the-less.
> 
> Good luck


:iagree:

Yup.

Most men prefer direct communication.

If possible, she might have to initially constantly remind him to take care of these things , one by one , a timely basis.


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## Fabiovelli (May 3, 2014)

Frusdil,
Do I understand this correctly? Your husband didn't shower for one day and you threatened to shun him by leaving the marital bed?
Is it a deal breaker if he does not shower every single day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucyloo (Dec 3, 2013)

You and your spouse must be very polite with each other because any time I need a shower or my breath stinks my husband has no issue telling me point blank that "my breath stinks".

Maybe making gentle suggestions when you go out and he's wearing something that mismatches - hey honey, I love you in this shirt...and lead him to the closet and help him pick something out.

As for the brown streak on his tooth, tell him honey I don't want to embarrass you but I noticed one of your crowns might be decaying, maybe you should get it checked out? 

And so on...just make gentle, encouraging, supportive suggestions.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Fabiovelli said:


> Frusdil,
> Do I understand this correctly? Your husband didn't shower for one day and you threatened to shun him by leaving the marital bed?
> Is it a deal breaker if he does not shower every single day?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, you understand correctly. He had not showered since the morning of the day before, when he went to work. It is icky to not shower. As his wife, I deserve the same respect he showed for me when we were dating - and vice versa.

He was being lazy. Had he been ill, that would have been different.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have seen some very well dressed men, men who do care about their appearance but I think more often you find on an every day basis that what you have posted is fairly common, especially from a wife's point of view. I know several of my friends have made comments much the same about their husbands. Mine is no exception. I have even tried to help him but it doesn't click. 

My husband like to do dark on dark colors and many times the blues clash. Or he will do tan on tan and they do not match, it looks terrible! He thinks throwing on the first T-shirt he grabs out of his drawer works. When he does his hair he pasts it down to his head, looks terrible. He is heavy, large belly, and he likes to wear pleated pants for work.....nothing accentuated a belly more than pleated pants. He ALWAYS has to wear hiking style boots as his casual show. I tied buying a casual shoe but he didn't like it, "all of a sudden it is worn out" but the rest of his very worn shoes are fine? 

He used to have this thing with T-shirts, it was all he'd wear, constant slop look. He told me he was known for his T-shirts in high school. High school was more than 30 years ago at this point. His style, everything, was like he was stuck back in 1978 when he graduated high school....not so nice looking on an older man.

So I get what you are saying. It is a real turn off.

Seems to me guys dress to their own satisfaction, not to please us and many times we dress to attract.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

How is your personal appearance? Do you still make the effort?

I let things slip and put on loads of weight. My husband has always been large but now he is vast.

I planned to leave him, lost loads of weight and bought new clothes. Then we reconciled.

He appreciates my new look. He, however, kept wearing his terrible black t shirts and crocs.

I didn't choose to nag him about it, but would insist on going clothes shopping with him and would pick out stuff that I liked. Because he hates shopping he would be OK about waiting in the changing room to try things on and eventually the penny dropped that nothing black was being brought to him to try!

Then he tried a new style of underwear and I made the most huge fuss about how sexy it was. Plus I compliment him like mad if he wears his nice new colourful clothing. Sometimes, if he wears an old black thing I will ask him to change, but most of the time I keep up the compliments for the nice stuff and say nothing about the horrid. He is not stupid. He actually went out the other day by himself and bought a red shirt and some underpants with a floral pattern! I nearly fell over.

The point is that whilst men do need to know what you are objecting to, there is no need to do it in a naggy, mean way. Certainly you should try the nice approach first.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know others have had success.

I made some progress tonight  lol he saw me with a deranged smile and a glint in my eye tonight as I was reaching around a big drawer with some of my girly stuff. I ran at him with a pair of tweezers and a bunch of facial wax strips. I waxed the hair on the end of his nose and plucked most of his monobrow area. Lots more to be done but he seemed to receive that okay. One thing at a time 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fabiovelli (May 3, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Yep, you understand correctly. He had not showered since the morning of the day before, when he went to work. It is icky to not shower. As his wife, I deserve the same respect he showed for me when we were dating - and vice versa.
> 
> He was being lazy. Had he been ill, that would have been different.


Was he dirty? Did he have offensive body odor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

Don't beat around the bush. Be direct and state your need. "I would like it if you matched when we went out". Or whatever. 

Women think (sorry to the previous poster) you can gently prod a man. Nope. If we think it's a choice, we're going to choose what suits us. It may not be what you want. 

There's a big difference between "do you think you can wear dress clothes to Easter?" And "I would like you to wear dress clothes to Easter". In my head the former is "yeah I probably could but I don't feel like it" but the latter is "ok that's what she wants."

To the poster that gave her husband a choice of shower or her sleeping elsewhere? I would have been like "see yeah! Don't let the door hit you in the ass"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sounds like some of these guys could be in those Wall Mart pictures.

On the other side of the coin, I've seen some women who could take a few lessons as well because they could be in the same Wall Mart pictures.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Some of these things make me kind of glad I skipped the whole dating and impressing each other part of my relationship. I never did any more or less than I do now. I'd hate to feel I always had to be "on" and done up. 

I think anytime you are with someone for an extended amount of time some of that dating standard will change. There should be a happy middle ground where you don't just let it all go but you are still able to be comfortable enough to not always look your best.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Some of these things make me kind of glad I skipped the whole dating and impressing each other part of my relationship. I never did any more or less than I do now. I'd hate to feel I always had to be "on" and done up.
> 
> I think anytime you are with someone for an extended amount of time some of that dating standard will change. There should be a happy middle ground where you don't just let it all go but you are still able to be comfortable enough to not always look your best.



Comfortable enough to not shower everyday?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

spinsterdurga said:


> Comfortable enough to not shower everyday?


Yes, of course. I have lazy days where I don't shower or do my hair or make-up and I wear comfy clothes and I haven't shaved. If I couldn't ever have a bad day and someone's whole attraction to me was based only on me being at my best then I'd be screwed. 

I wouldn't get out of bed when I was tired to go take a shower because someone thought how I looked when I go to sleep was more important. But then, I wouldn't even do that if I was dating so I guess I wouldn't have to worry about keeping up a standard.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes, of course. I have lazy days where I don't shower or do my hair or make-up and I wear comfy clothes and I haven't shaved. If I couldn't ever have a bad day and someone's whole attraction to me was based only on me being at my best then I'd be screwed.
> 
> 
> 
> I wouldn't get out of bed when I was tired to go take a shower because someone thought how I looked when I go to sleep was more important. But then, I wouldn't even do that if I was dating so I guess I wouldn't have to worry about keeping up a standard.



Are you saying not showering at least once a day? Being lazy to shower everyday but not being lazy to eat everyday? Wow I'm a hygiene freak because that would be a deal breaker to me


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Fabiovelli said:


> Was he dirty? Did he have offensive body odor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He hadn't showered for 2 days, or brushed his teeth, so yes he did.

I don't expect him to be "on" or at his best all the time. I also don't think it's too much to ask for him to be clean before he gets into our bed!

And no, I don't always do my hair and makeup, but I shower and clean my teeth every day. It's basic hygiene 101 for god sake.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

spinsterdurga said:


> Are you saying not showering at least once a day? Being lazy to shower everyday but not being lazy to eat everyday? Wow I'm a hygiene freak because that would be a deal breaker to me


Yes, I am saying that every now and then I will have a day without a shower. Even without the random days at home, have you never been camping? Or out somewhere that didn't have access to a shower? I don't know how someone can spend years - decades with a spouse and never see them a day without a shower. 

I've been through pregnancy, childbirth, sickness (including stomach flu) and all kinds of gross things that happen to humans. If he can make it through all that but have showering every single day of my life as a deal breaker then I guess we'd be out of luck. 

Unless someone was not wearing deodorant or didn't wash their hands/face, or was wearing dirty clothes I don't see how it's unhygienic to go a day without. In fact, many people can not shower daily because their skin or hair would be worse off for it. It ruins their natural oils.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I think we will just have to agree to disagree. Camping/being sick is different. It's a deal breaker to me when someone chooses not to take a shower. Not being able to access water is different from choosing not to shower because hey it's a lot of work


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