# She's hot; I'm not



## Defcon (Jul 19, 2014)

My wife and I have been married 13 years. Before that, we dated for almost 20 years. I had been previously married and was extremely reluctant to repeat it. During these 33 years, we've had sex only occasionally and she never made it an issue (something happened to quell my sex drive, I'm not sure what). My wife's 65, I'm 69. Recently, she has been bemoaning the lack of physical love. She claims I never mentioned my problem (I'm sure I must have at some time) but I would have thought it was pretty obvious. Anyway, my bad. I should have sought medical help, or more likely psychological since I think this a mental issue. I'm willing to try erectile dysfunction remedies but she's saying too little too late. This now seems to be the key element to the continuation of our marriage and, without some resolution, we're headed for divorce. Has anyone experienced anything of this sort? If so, were you able to resolve it?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"but she's saying too little too late."

then what does she want? a time machine? ain't no time like the present. Go see your doctor ASAP, get the little blue wonder pills and see if that does the trick.

what about toys, fingers, tongue, etc? might help get the party started


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She never made an issue of it? Were you otherwise affectionate? Lots of physical closeness?

I find it odd that you didn't care that your drive took a dive. 

You don't know what caused it but you think it is mental? So you do have some idea then..,

If she says too little too late then how is ED medicine going to resolve things?

Also if the problem is desire, ED meds won't help you much.

Why do you want to stay married?

And who is the guy she wants to have sex with that is causing this to be too little too late?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Welcome to TAM. 

Could you help us understand your situation a little better. Has she started the divorce proceedings already OR has she threatened you with divorce if the situation does not change for the better?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Welcome, I hope you receive some insight and get answers. This is some of what I see.

You said "she never made an issue of it" - OK, maybe she didn't, but I would bet she did mention it, probably several times. She had needs and mentioned it, you ignored it - and on and on it went. Now she is tiered of going without the love and affection she desires and that you have not cared enough about all these years.

I agree with the other poster, why didn't you care enough to question this? Why did you think she was OK with this just because she didn't get really upset?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I had a similar situation with my second husband. After about 5 years of marriage he said he starting having a lot of ED. He would not go to the doctor or find a solution as he said it was embarrassing. To me that meant that he did not really care about having an intimate relationship with me. His lack of desire for a physical relationship also meant that he had no interest in intimacy at any level.

We are divorced now, the above is one of the reasons. 

You need to see a doctor and see if anything can be done to increase your desire and if Viagra, or something like that will work. 

I agree with her that it might be too little too late. The reason is that after years of little to no intimacy, the emotional bond that holds a marriage together is probably destroyed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I've heard 80% of ED is emotional or mental... and the plumbing is usually just fine.

Is there something holding you back from being sexually vulnerable with your wife?


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

marduk said:


> I've heard 80% of ED is emotional or mental... and the plumbing is usually just fine.
> 
> Is there something holding you back from being sexually vulnerable with your wife?


...meds can have a big impact too.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Give it to her.....already


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I had a similar situation with my second husband. After about 5 years of marriage he said he starting having a lot of ED. He would not go to the doctor or find a solution as he said it was embarrassing. To me that meant that he did not really care about having an intimate relationship with me. His lack of desire for a physical relationship also meant that he had no interest in intimacy at any level.
> 
> We are divorced now, the above is one of the reasons.
> 
> ...


Ditto for me and my ex-wife. While I was not married to EleGirl (lol, I think). My ex-wife probably mentioned it to me a few times in our marriage and I downplayed it as not significant. She got tired of asking me to change and me doing nothing about it, so she just planned her exit and then did it (google Walk Away Wife). 

It's hard to tell from the short post where you are at, but take it seriously. As part of a marriage you are responsible for each other's sexual needs (assuming that you don't have an open marriage) and if you're not meeting her needs, step it up. Seek counseling or online support. I did and it brought my libido back. But I also know its a lifelong thing; I have to continue to work on it (as does my partner) since our needs will always be different in the bedroom.


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## Brafdor (Jan 27, 2014)

it sucks when the information comes too late


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If she's been okay with it all this time... maybe she means something else by "physical love". Is she actually talking about the sex act/ and or heaving intimate petting/foreplay?

Or is she saying she wants more hugging, hand-holding... kisses & pecks in public? 

Do you two touch at all on regular basis? Maybe see if she's open to going dancing once a week... even something like dancing classes..


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Defcon said:


> My wife and I have been married 13 years. Before that, we dated for almost 20 years. I had been previously married and was extremely reluctant to repeat it. During these 33 years, we've had sex only occasionally and she never made it an issue (something happened to quell my sex drive, I'm not sure what). My wife's 65, I'm 69. Recently, she has been bemoaning the lack of physical love. She claims I never mentioned my problem (I'm sure I must have at some time) but I would have thought it was pretty obvious. Anyway, my bad. I should have sought medical help, or more likely psychological since I think this a mental issue. I'm willing to try erectile dysfunction remedies but she's saying too little too late. This now seems to be the key element to the continuation of our marriage and, without some resolution, we're headed for divorce. Has anyone experienced anything of this sort? If so, were you able to resolve it?


Find a MC, the sex part is just the tip of the iceberg. There are deeper issues that have either been brewing all these years or have resurfaced or some new realization on her part. In any event, trying to find the 'reason' might take longer than the relationship can last. A MC maybe able to make the path less painful and more efficient.


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