# I cant protect my kids from pain... I love him...



## FeelingHelpless (Jun 25, 2009)

This is long...and the title may lead you to think there is abuse... but it's not... its abandonment pain... please read and help...
Well I guess I should give you back ground...
Mine: I was 20 years old and living with a man. I got pregnant with my daughter. We married. A year after she was born I got pregnant with my son. I guess it was about 6 months after he was born I noticed the change. He lied, stole, etc... I found drugs around the house... I tried everything I could to put an end to it... it wouldn't. I kicked him out. I couldnt stand the emotional abuse... Three months later he met a woman just as much into the drugs... three months later dead of an over dose. His family blamed me... called Child Services falsely 3 times, harassed me in many ways including stalking, and even sued me and cost me my entire life savings... I dated but never found anyone I truly liked enough to be in a relationship with...

His: He married around 20... they had two kids... though he says the younger one was a drunken mistake... who knows... not important... things got bad... they fought... he drank to tune her out... she yelled and *****ed at him... finances were tight... They moved in with his parents... he joined the military... during his training she cheated on him and when he returned he found his kids gone and the house almost empty... He tried everything to keep the marriage alive... it failed... he was deployed to Iraq...His divorce was official in Jan 08...

We met online in March of 08 while he was deployed... I had never talked to anyone like him... all day on IM ... phone calls that last 3 or 4 hours... and were not dead air but real communication... I couldn't pick him apart like I had every other guy... May 02, 2008 we decided to become and official couple... despite never meeting... He would be stationed in NC upon his return in Dec 08... I had been laid off and was tired of the harassment and had the money and so I agreed to move to NC in August... He came home on R&R in July 08... He spent a few days with me in Jersey... and things were wonderful... I flew to ID and spent several days there and met his kids and parents... even more amazing and before he went back he spent his last night with me... the next day at the airport he proposed to me... I said yes... 

I moved in Aug 08 ... job situation was tough and I had found a job, a great school, and a wonderful apartment ... but it was 2 hours away from where he would be stationed... but I had to do something... money was running out... kids needed a home not a hotel... kids needed to start school... I took the opportunity... He was happy... or at least said he was... he would come up 2 or 3 times during the week and every weekend... it would be great...

He came home in December... He didnt have to work right away so we spent lots of time together... my kids loved him already and started calling him daddy at some point between Aug and October... a few weeks later he picked his boys up from CA (his ex makes everything difficult...) Everything was goin great... his parents showed up and so did my mom for the Christmas holiday... his mother is an over dramatic bi-polar who is amped up on xanex and percets (spelling?) all the time... she insulted my home by saying everything I had was garbage... or no good... she rearranged my stuff saying this is how it should be... and threw many whoa is me fits....everyone was forced to tip toe around her... and appease her... me I bit my tongue... The kids (his oldest 6 at the time... my oldest 6 at the time... and our youngest both 4 at the time) got along well, very well esp for being thrown together for so long so quickly... we discovered his oldest son was being neglected... and possibly abused... I knew he didnt have the money and needed support so I paid for flights to CA from NC and the hotel, rental car, and the deposit on the attorney... CA didn't care despite the evidence... they were ordered returned home and a court date was set... before he had to return the boys he wanted to get married so they could be there... so we did... a last minute thing... it wasnt big and flashy but very meaningful and genuine to me... the day afterwords I learned that from Feb to July he had been talking to another woman online... he never mentioned her to me and me to her... he says he just didnt want to hurt her... I was very upset and eventually was past it (march was when i was past it) ...he took the boys back... i flew out there with him again providing financial support for a majority of the situation... and taking the rest of my vacation time for the court date... his oldest son picked right up on calling me mommy... as he did in december despite his mothers protests of it...during this trip in Feb I learned he had already committed to moving to CA throuh the military without consulting me... I was shocked and i did say i dont know if I want to... he took it as me saying no... we started to fight about stupid stuff from there... he would get mad at me and ignore me... at first he ignored me for a day (it was easy as he wasnt living here really but at the base) and the next time it turned to two days... and it continued this way... when we talked sometimes it would be okay... but i could tell it was fake.... others we would fight... yelling...downputs.... on both our parts... in March after him making several trips to see his boys and settled court stuff by himself as he did not want me to go and I had no time left from work...I helped him prepare by doing hours and hours of research and preperation....encouraging words... his mother went with him... this si when she started to express how she never liked me and talked to him about how I was no good for him.... during this trip is when he ignored me for the first time for almost a week... it continued this way with us hardly talking and only seeing each other for two days or maybe three a week... total...

in April I found us a marriage counselor... we went together and agreed upon seperate sessions once a week... we had a huge fight... he had left himself logged into myspace on my computer... I shouldn't have but I checked his msgs... He had e-mailed his ex gf and told her I was "crazy" and he did a "bone headed and stupid thing" by marrying me and was "getting himself out of a bad situation" I had a melt down... as just weeks earlier this woman had contacted me and expressed how I should leave him and that he loved her and wanted to be with her etc... etc... I went to the hospital... he came...and when the ordeal was done he said I needed help or he was leaving... I continued with the marriage counselor... he went once and found an excuse every time to not go... he didnt have time that week... he didnt think it was gonna work so he didnt go...something always....despite all of this we took a road trip to NJ... so I could visit my friends... he got smashed the one night and was so out of character and verbally abusive... the next morning I woke him up to leave and he was still drunk... tired and sad and hurt I drove most of the way... we talked a bit and he seemed to truly want to try.... May comes around and he had only gone to the counselor one more time...(and each time he left the counselor things were so much better between us just for a few days they would be perfect) He ignored me for an entire week.... and the Tues before Mothers day he sent me a txt msg... he said he was flying to Vegas to visit his friend and would be around on Mothers day to see me... I waited and on Sat I sent him a long email pretty much saying we have to communicate if he ignores me again its over... we need counseling consistantly and reguarly... that night he txt me at 1 am and said he loves me adn chooses me and agrees to the email... Mothers Day... he txt me in the morning and said happy mothers day... he showed up at 9 pm and threw a bar of chocolate at me... (this from a man who would shower me with gifts and romance) that was my mothers day... Things were okay from there... on and off... not great but not miserable...

The weekend of the Dayton 600 he had volunteered to work at it... After an indept conversation I found out he had driven down there by himself with a female co worker... they shared a hotel room... I called him and he claimed afterwords he had had a bad day... he shut his phone off the rest of the night after attempting to hit the ignore button but instead hit the answer button and set his phone down....I do not believe he cheated but now I do not know what to believe....

I wasn't sure what I wanted now and our guards were both up... On Thurs we talked about spending the weekend together... and on Fri his old female friend from college sent him a msg she would be in town and wanted to see him on Sat... so he tells me Sat morning if I can find a sitter I could go... he didnt invite her over but instead they went and had drinks together (this merely two weeks after I told him I wanted to go for drinks with him adn a male co-worker... he disapproved... neither of us went)... When he came home at midnight we talked... we said on the 21st we would make our decision about being together... About moving to CA with him... His boys were set to come out on the 5th...I again laid out money for him for the flights...That week was an okay week less fighting more communicating... When he got his boys there was major issues with his ex wife and she forced him to sign documents on her terms or she would not release them...He bought them back and we had the 5th bday party for my son... and the next week we celebrated his sons 5th which had already passed... We hardly fought at all... maybe one or twice over 2 weeks and it wasn't a yelling fight... we talked about any other problems we had... his oldest who still called me mommy... wasnt being very nice and i yelled at him and my daughter for their actions... not screamed... but yelled... that defused the situation... He took the boys back on Sunday and had more issues with his ex... Monday he had off and came up... he told me he wanted to grow old with me and he loved me and we made love.... Tuesday he was distant... and Wendesday as well... Wendesday he came up... he said we needed to talk... he told me he wanted a divorce... he said it was becasue he could never see an amicable relationship between his mother and I... because my son doesnt always listen to him and he acts out (and he does adn I try to stay neutral or support him) and because he saw pain in his sons eyes when I yelled and he didnt trust me with them... There was nothing i could do... I did cry... I didn't beg but attempted negotiations... he told his mom and some co-workers before he told me... when he left he txt my best friend in Jersey and told him before I could... then he imed by other best friend and told him it was because we fought in front of the kids... we didnt fight in front of the kids... we did discuss a discipline we did not agree on (and we shouldnt of) but we didnt fight... at one point during dinner I was upset with his actions in unfair discipline for the two younger boys (his was less and mine more) and i left the table to calm down...He says he never wants to speak to me again except to finalize the seperation papers... and the divorce papers... if i dont file he will...he wants to pick his stuff up in a few weeks and take my children to do something one last time...
My children are devestated espcially my daughter... she has been crying all day... she asks if he loves us why would he leave us... how come he wont call me... why wont he talk to us... why cant we be a family families stick together...and she misses her step brothers...
everything i ate or drank to day came out... i guess from the lack of nutrition and stress... i fainted at work... i was taken to the hospital.... my one co worker called my husband and told him at 3 i was still at the hospital...he might have to pick up the kids... i was not aware of this and was able to get another co-worker to pick them and bring them here... he sent me a txt while i was at hospital are you okay i got a call... then there was a voice mail from him saying i got a call and i already called the school and someone picked them up... you gotta stop these games... so as my coworker drove me home i txt him and said i fainted at work and hit my head hard. i got someone to pick them up. i was not aware he called you. and he txt back so then your fine and i said not really but i have heavy meds and im going to bed when i get home...

Now I am stuck at a job (which turns out tobe not so great) that I hate, in a state I dont want to be in where I have no friends because no money for a baby sitter to socialize, no family, a dog we bought as a family I dont have the energy to truly care for (but i cant get rid of him now esp because my kids love him) and I'm alone...

I feel helpless for my children and myself...I want this to work between us... can it? what can i do?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Read your post. Am having a hard time sorting it all out as you type without much punctuation, etc. Will try to get back with you when I can take more of it in...it is exhausting trying to read this type message.

Just wanted you to know someone is listening...reading.

All I can suggest right now is take a deep breath and relax a bit for the time being.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

It takes two to make it work, Feeling. Best you can do is try, not much else can be done, if he wants it to work then it will. Your kids don't need him or anyone else as long as they have you, don't forget that. You are the driving force that keeps them going and you always will be. Don't stay in a relationship "for the kids" because that doesn't work out. That ends in alot of resentment and anger towards eachother which leads to fighting. Fighting makes kids less happy and stresses them out.


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## FeelingHelpless (Jun 25, 2009)

I do love him to... and then last night he called at 9 when we were sleeping I txt him this morning and said why did you call so late kids were in bed. He said he was trying to contact someone else and called us by mistake... (I have distinct ring tones on my phone) and he proceeded with the sad fact is i love you the hard fact is its over i love the children please dont make this bitter....

wtf? He removed all traces of me from his myspace and facebook... how can he say he loves me if he wants nothing to do with me? how could he walk away from them when they just want answers.... they just want to talk to him and know why... they have questions I cant answer... My daughter is shutting down. She doesnt want to do anything but sit there and watch tv and if i say no she wraps herself in a ball and cries more... shes told me over and over again she wants to be with him in ca and i can visit even if its only once a year...


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

First things first...paragraphs are your friend...even if you can't use big letter at the start of a sentence, at least break it up a little.

You're bring emotionally abused to say the least...and if you think he's not having an EA and most likely a PA, you're fooling yourself.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you rushed into this from the start, it's deteriorated to the point of no return and you need to cut your losses and get out.

He's used you, financially, emotionally and at times physically never once giving a damn about who you were or what you need.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get it together and get out...

Preacher


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## FeelingHelpless (Jun 25, 2009)

What is an ea and a pa? I was pretty upset when I wrote that... Sorry it's so hard to read.... My problem is I can either suffer in pain or be an extreme B&&& I have difficulty finding the gray... I can ruin his life completely...


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Emotional affair...physical affair...my guess would be both though one may be more constant than the other

Preacher


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## FeelingHelpless (Jun 25, 2009)

How do you see that? 

I'm ready to snap and screw him over as much as I can... But it hurts and I don't know what path to take...I can legally ruin his career, prevent custody of his kids, and obtain large amounts of money for him... I also don't want to turn my back on God... I made a vow to Him... I'm feeling very conflicted

And well in NC even when you are separated if you have intercourse with someone else it is adultery and the other spouse can sue you and depending on circumstances sue the person you committed it with....


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Okay, in your post you said he had been in communication with other women via the net or text or whatever...that's an emotional affair. If he spent the night in a hotel room with a female co-worker, phone off...and you don't think they slept together, well, okay then.

In NC you have to be separated a year before you can be divorced so you may as well start the proceedings now...this isn't a marriage that can be saved.

As for screwing him over, revenge and spite isn't going to help anything, no matter how much you might want to punish him for everything, it's just not a good idea.

If he's still in the service and is having an affair, you could report him to his CO because the militart frowns on those things. I wouldn't push it father than that though...

Just get yout act together and get out.

Preacher


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

Screwing him over won't make you feel better. Its hell, I know. Especially in a spiritual sense, you entered into a marriage as 1 flesh and now you are torn. Get as much support (friends, family) as you can and start the healing process. Denial won't help you sadly. Just know there are far better things out there waiting for you.


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## Lostman (May 23, 2009)

Well I have to agree with everyone else here. Revengr and spite has never solved any kind of problems, just helps to create more of them. When my soon to be X (STBX) left me I wanted to get back at her. The more people I would talk to just kept telling me not to stoop to her level. 

So keep going to counseling. Talk to friends and family. 

As for saving your marriage I regret to say it is highly likely that it is done and not worth saving. My wife had an ea and I do believe a pa with the other guy. The sooner you can fully realize that the marriage isn't savable, not worth saving. The easier it will be to move on and forward in your life with your kids. 

Just do what you think and feels right to you and your kids. Good luck with your situation. Prayers r with you


LOSTMAN


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Oh I am so sorry. You seem so very lost.....turn to prayer. That is what I have done. I know it is hard.....I am going through a strange situation. And I am suffering too.....so I empathize with you so much. I do think he is having an affair....it sure is crazy to do the things he did if he wasn't. Time will heal your pain....and you deserve much better. He sounds like he has a variety of probs.........your kids will come to closure when you do. but while you are an emotions wreck...they will be too. Start reassuring them that everything will be fine...even if he leaves and pour your love our on them.....be understanding of their feelings.( hard when you are dying inside) and be honest about yours. Mommy hurts too. Mommy doesn't want this......but it is going to happen anyway. And make him take account for his actions....don't let him negate his guilt. He did this....not you. God bless you. Praying things get easier...day by day.


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