# Wife still having online e/a, wants a separation...



## ShyGuy77 (Feb 9, 2011)

What do I do?

I discovered the online e/a earlier this month - huge fight and crying. She finally said she would cut off contact, and we were trying to make things work. Then last night, my distrust got the best of me - I checked her iPhone and it was still logged in to a new email account she had made to talk to him. I read all of them - at first she had told him she couldn't do it anymore, then progressed to being just friends, then agreeing to just online date in secret. 

I confronted her last night, we argued and she said she just needed some time to decide what she wanted. She said she still loves me, but feels like I suffocate her and I'm controlling. She said she can't go through being married to me if I'm always going to be checking up on her.

She's working today, but we're going to sit down tonight and talk - probably going to lay down some rules about the separation. I stil love her, I want this to work but only if she's 100% committed to us. We have a 2 and a half year old daughter, and we both feel that being together is best for her sake - but only if we're happy.

What do I do? I feel like I'm losing my mind - my world is crumbling beneath me. What do I say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You start by not being the one who leaves home she does, your child stays with you. You tell her parents, siblings and one or two of her best friends of the affair , you do this as her next step is to gaslight you , this is common for affair persons. You find the other mans details on facebook, you tell his wife, his parents, siblings , coworkers and friends he is in an affair with your wife and is intentionally destroying your marriage by preying on your wife. When your wife moves out she pays half the rental or mortgage , you pull no punches you stand firm and be calm , no unpleasant words or actions.

This is a plan set out by marriage builders do not think you have a better way this processes is developed over decades. Go to marriagebuilders.com and affaircare.com and read the articles. Be resolute and firm in your decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not beg or plead with your wife, crying is not attractive and in her eyes she has already lost some respect so dont let her have the remainder of your self respect by begging.
Show her confidence, you can not control her but you can control what you tolorate how you act and behave. As hard as it is she must beleive that you are strong enough to move on with or with out her.

Eli has great points and they are implimented in a certain order. To night she writes a no contact letter infront of you and you also sign it and help her send it.

Most likely she will refuse and then let her know that you love her and will not controll her and that the marutal home is only open to her if she is 100% commited to the marriage.

Her choice is to leave and you exposing this affair or stay and repair this marraige. She will want more time and need space and want to stay in the home, but she still hasn't commited to the NC so you will make this affair as difficult as possible to continue and you plan on exposing it, irregardless if she stay or leaves you will expose this affair if it continues.

Her affair is a threat to your family and you will not tolorate it. Show her some tough love and let her know that you will not share your wife with OM. You feel like she is not thinking right and you are only protecting her from making bad discision that will grossly effect your family. You are not trying to hurt her...on the contrarary. you see her being influenced by some one that caresless about her family and want only sex.

Stay calm and do not let her drag you into a fight on you's to blame for this mess. She will make you look like the bad guy, so get the evidence you need to show her others that she has stepped out side the marraige.

The #1 thing here is that as long as she is in contact with OM you have no chance of repairing the marraige.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Sorry you are here,There is good advice and support here. If she is truly in an online situation only that is better than face to face alot of fantasy going on . It took me a long time to get my head around what was going on with my W. Affaircares article on whats going on in Affair land sums it up. The steps to take to end an affair my head was so scrambled i had to read and reread it to even grasp it.
Stand your ground, stick to your core values, what is best for you. You may often feel conflicted. There is great support here post and you will get feed back. Take care of yourself during this time. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!
Good Luck


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Been there done that... i dont know about your situation, but mine was really bad.... photos, phone calls... ugh.

This is pretty simple, and Im gonna be honest here, you are in the position that is the easiest you will face in the coming days. You are in the "doing" phase. 

What you need to do is calm down a sec and think logically. I know you are hurting, but lets look at the facts. 

Before anything, understand this... you did not make her have an affair. if you were a bad husband, or a lousy father, then you are guilty of that, but you did not make her choose to do this. She chose.

With that knowledge, i suggest you take the moral high ground here. Offer counseling. Additionally, CLEARLY state your boundries. You may feel weak here, but never think of yoruself as a victim. You have every right to ask her to make a choice. If she choses to to work on the marriage, she must confront this guy in your presence. Email, phone, or whatever.... Believe me when i tell you this, you will NEVER trust her if you do not have confirmation that it is over. 

This idea of "needing more time" is something i have heard before. let me translate this for you... "oh crap, im caught... i need time to figure out how to escape" 

Ive been through the cheating wife thing twice, with different wives (thus the screen name). One educated, one not so much.

In case you are wondering, I am not bitter. In fact, i am still with my wife, about to celebrate 10 years. (if she is lucky) What i am telling you, is from experience, and a situation that has, so far, worked out. 

Lastly, if you feel this is going to end badly... prepare for divorce (logically) before confronting her. Nothing will prepare you for divorce mentally, but you can secure your future if you act logically.

Good luck man.


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