# Am I in an abusive relationship?



## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

Maybe we're just not as compatible as I thought? A little background, we were dating for 6 months before I got preggo and we got married. Now little one is 16 months. My husband is a great Father and he does a lot around the house, cooks sometimes and cleans. However, he has been very critical of me lately and I don't know if I'm just noticing. 

He's been nitpicking a lot and then he'll make comments that are attacking my personality- for example, (we never have dirty dishes in the sink,they are usually washed right away) the other day I left my empty tea cup in the sink and then he said I was that lazy that I couldn't wash my cup. Yesterday he asked if I could pop a zit on the back of his head and I told him it was an ingrown hair and not a pimple to pop(gross sorry) and then he said that he knows it's a pimple and that I underestimate myself. ??? Another example is he got a call for me on his phone and showed me the voicemail on his speaker and then I asked him to tell me the phone number and he went off and was saying how come I didn't write it down when I heard it the first time and how I never listen. 

So small things like that are building up and effecting my self esteem. He also like to talk over me and speak for me, which is so annoying, he says no one can hear me. I feel like he treats me like a child sometimes, he talks to me very condescendingly and monotone and mostly sarcastic. I think I do pretty good understanding humor but his is more belittling and not funny. Every time we go out, I always catch him looking at other women, but it's like he looks to get their attention and make eye contact or something. I've never been in a relationship where my SO checks out others, or at least not too much where it's obvious. Our sex life has been pretty bad lately too, he just ejaculates too quickly and expects me to when he does. I get no foreplay and I always initiate. 

Then I get upset that I didn't get off and he tells me I just don't know my body well enough and something's wrong with me, I tried to explain that I'm not like him and can't just have sex and get off in a few minutes and how selfish it is of him. He never wants to go down on me and claims he doesn't want it when I offer? It makes me feel bad. I'm a very physical person and I love sex and being touched and he just isn't that way. I like to hold hands and cuddle and he says I'm too hot and he likes to be cool so that stops him and makes me feel unloved. If I try to be loving and cater to him, like when I try to get him something to drink he'll say I'll get it myself. All these things make me feel rejected. I feel like I was pretty confident and loving before him and now it's dwindling away. I'm sure I do things too but this is just my side of the story.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mt2989 said:


> Maybe we're just not as compatible as I thought? A little background, we were dating for 6 months before I got preggo and we got married. Now little one is 16 months. My husband is a great Father and he does a lot around the house, cooks sometimes and cleans. However, he has been very critical of me lately and I don't know if I'm just noticing. He's been nitpicking a lot and then he'll make comments that are attacking my personality- for example, (we never have dirty dishes in the sink,they are usually washed right away) the other day I left my empty tea cup in the sink and then he said I was that lazy that I couldn't wash my cup. Yesterday he asked if I could pop a zit on the back of his head and I told him it was an ingrown hair and not a pimple to pop(gross sorry) and then he said that he knows it's a pimple and that I underestimate myself. ??? Another example is he got a call for me on his phone and showed me the voicemail on his speaker and then I asked him to tell me the phone number and he went off and was saying how come I didn't write it down when I heard it the first time and how I never listen. So small things like that are building up and effecting my self esteem. He also like to talk over me and speak for me, which is so annoying, he says no one can hear me. I feel like he treats me like a child sometimes, he talks to me very condescendingly and monotone and mostly sarcastic. I think I do pretty good understanding humor but his is more belittling and not funny. Every time we go out, I always catch him looking at other women, but it's like he looks to get their attention and make eye contact or something. I've never been in a relationship where my SO checks out others, or at least not too much where it's obvious. Our sex life has been pretty bad lately too, he just ejaculates too quickly and expects me to when he does. I get no foreplay and I always initiate. Then I get upset that I didn't get off and he tells me I just don't know my body well enough and something's wrong with me, I tried to explain that I'm not like him and can't just have sex and get off in a few minutes and how selfish it is of him. He never wants to go down on me and claims he doesn't want it when I offer? It makes me feel bad. I'm a very physical person and I love sex and being touched and he just isn't that way. I like to hold hands and cuddle and he says I'm too hot and he likes to be cool so that stops him and makes me feel unloved. If I try to be loving and cater to him, like when I try to get him something to drink he'll say I'll get it myself. All these things make me feel rejected. I feel like I was pretty confident and loving before him and now it's dwindling away. I'm sure I do things too but this is just my side of the story.



Can you think of a specific time when this started happening? Was he different before this time?
I ask because the sarcasm, lack of sex and affection, the belittling, etc may be a sign that he is playing elsewhere. Do not put him on notice or ask him at all, act normal but start snooping on his phone, pc, etc. Keep you eyes and ears open. Record what he says.
You also have to step up and stand up for yourself. If necessary record him and play it back and tell him he is being a prick.
Sorry you are going through this, it is not easy with a young kid.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He certainly sounds unpleasant and isn't treating you well. He may also be abusive - there is no clear dividing line. He also appears to be a terrible lover. You shouldn't need to live like this so its worth trying to figure out what is going on.

Did he always tend to behave like this or is it new?


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

It's very hard to snoop, I used to and he would get upset. So he's upped his security and keeps his phone on him at all times. He always has and he's also always kept his emails and text messages cleaned up. Not all of them but he's good at deleting what's not important. It's been a few months that I'm noticing these things and realizing the little things in the past


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

uhtred said:


> He certainly sounds unpleasant and isn't treating you well. He may also be abusive - there is no clear dividing line. He also appears to be a terrible lover. You shouldn't need to live like this so its worth trying to figure out what is going on.
> 
> Did he always tend to behave like this or is it new?


It's mostly new, I just started noticing a few months ago. I feel like it's slowly happening more often now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mt2989 said:


> It's mostly new, I just started noticing a few months ago. I feel like it's slowly happening more often now.


Something has changed IMO. Has finances gotten tight? H has issue or a problem at work?


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

So it sounds like it wasn't the birth of your child - something that is often stressful in a relationship.

Any other new sources of stress? Was your sex life declining before this? I completely understand it declining afterwards with how he was behaving.

Was he truly caring and loving and tried to be good in bed before, and then everything changed or has he always had these tendencies? 




Mt2989 said:


> It's mostly new, I just started noticing a few months ago. I feel like it's slowly happening more often now.


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Something has changed IMO. Has finances gotten tight? H has issue or a problem at work?


We were a little tight financially a couple months ago but now we're doing okay. I'm a stay at home mom and he's the breadwinner and I know he wants me to work so I've been looking for a job but I need a car and child care so that's our next step. Maybe he's feeling a little resentful to get me a car? He makes pretty good money and me being a normally high maintenance woman, since I haven't worked and he's took over bills the past year and half, I haven't gotten my nails or hair done and I hardly ask for money to buy makeup and clothes. If anything I don't feel comfortable asking, he intitially gets bothered but then he'll be okay. He was stressed about his job a few months ago but he's recently started a new position last week and seems to be happy there.


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> Well, yeah. He's rejecting you in an abusive way. Doesn't matter too much at this stage if he's going to be an escalating abuser or not, because you can't stand up to this for very long, anyway, and if something doesn't change soon, you won't - shouldn't - be around to see how he comes out. I suspect that, this early in, he regrets marrying or feeling he had to marry you. People do this stuff, like get married because sharing the work of baby and house with someone you think you love at that moment seems better than the complication and expense of the custody shuttle and child support and telling your parents and all the other stuff, and they make themselves believe it will be okay. Very likely you two have now hit what would have been the end of the dating relationship but happen to be married now.
> 
> It's not okay to choose marriage as one of two bad choices. He may simply have discovered he doesn't like you nearly enough to be married to you. If you were dating, he'd break it off, but now it's harder than that. It seems really time to sit down with him and have him be quiet until you get this out. And tell him you see that he's angry and constantly belittling you and clearly not happy himself and making you unhappy, and what you want of him is to know if it means he just doesn't want to be married to you so the two of you can do what needs to be done or if there's something going on that you can know about so you two can work on it.
> 
> ...


I hear you and I agree... He is one to quickly fall in love and I remember him getting upset when I told him about our honeymoon stage and he didn't want to believe that it will end. I also clearly remember telling I'm that just because I'm preggo doesn't mean we have to keep it or get married. I didn't want him to feel trapped but we were in the moment and we felt keeping t and getting married was best. Thanks for your response!


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

uhtred said:


> So it sounds like it wasn't the birth of your child - something that is often stressful in a relationship.
> 
> Any other new sources of stress? Was your sex life declining before this? I completely understand it declining afterwards with how he was behaving.
> 
> Was he truly caring and loving and tried to be good in bed before, and then everything changed or has he always had these tendencies?


Yeah sex started declining when I was preggo. I just thought maybe he's not into pregnant sex. But then after I had the baby, after 8 weeks I got the okay to have sex, he didn't want to and then he was rejecting me consistently after that. I told him how I felt and it got a little better. His excuses were that he was tired but I caught him many times masturbating. Which I don't care BUT if he's rejecting me for masturbating and watching porn then I'm going to feel some type of way. So then I told him about that and finally like 7 months ago it was getting better. Still no intiatian from him though, his way of letting me know is just by getting naked and walking around but he basically wants me to chase him I guess. And still no oral sex  so I had a feeling about him just not being passionate and not really open minded in sex but it was after we married. He still is caring and he'll say sweet things sometimes but just about me baking a "hard worker" that's all he ever says. He also shows it through cleaning and taking care of the baby and then boasts about being super dad. He really does it for himself I think.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is it possible that he has difficulty seeing you as both the mother of his child and as a passionate lover? Some men have this problem (and its *his* problem, but you may be suffering for it). 




Mt2989 said:


> Yeah sex started declining when I was preggo. I just thought maybe he's not into pregnant sex. But then after I had the baby, after 8 weeks I got the okay to have sex, he didn't want to and then he was rejecting me consistently after that. I told him how I felt and it got a little better. His excuses were that he was tired but I caught him many times masturbating. Which I don't care BUT if he's rejecting me for masturbating and watching porn then I'm going to feel some type of way. So then I told him about that and finally like 7 months ago it was getting better. Still no intiatian from him though, his way of letting me know is just by getting naked and walking around but he basically wants me to chase him I guess. And still no oral sex  so I had a feeling about him just not being passionate and not really open minded in sex but it was after we married. He still is caring and he'll say sweet things sometimes but just about me baking a "hard worker" that's all he ever says. He also shows it through cleaning and taking care of the baby and then boasts about being super dad. He really does it for himself I think.


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Is it possible that he has difficulty seeing you as both the mother of his child and as a passionate lover? Some men have this problem (and its *his* problem, but you may be suffering for it).


Hmm I've never thought of that. I could see that being true. I am just "mom" now, and he does have some mama issues with his mother and step mom. Maybe he's prjojecting feelings onto me. Also we don't have our alone time besides when the baby is asleep. I'm sure he misses being single and being able to party all the time. He's a very social person.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Uggh...there are so many things wrong with this as you have been feeling.

From the examples you have given, there seem to be patterns of behaviour across pretty much every aspect of your relationship. Does he tend to be defensive and place blame for things on other people? When you bring up things that are bothering you, it seems that he deflects, minimizes, turns it back around on you, and generally takes no responsibility...is that accurate across most things between you and him? 

You have only been married just under two years right? You indicated that you started to see these things more here relatively recently, but looking back, are these things that have always been there, but maybe overlooked or dismissed in the early relationship, and then pregnancy chemicals and feelings?


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## Mt2989 (Nov 16, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> Uggh...there are so many things wrong with this as you have been feeling.
> 
> From the examples you have given, there seem to be patterns of behaviour across pretty much every aspect of your relationship. Does he tend to be defensive and place blame for things on other people? When you bring up things that are bothering you, it seems that he deflects, minimizes, turns it back around on you, and generally takes no responsibility...is that accurate across most things between you and him?
> 
> You have only been married just under two years right? You indicated that you started to see these things more here relatively recently, but looking back, are these things that have always been there, but maybe overlooked or dismissed in the early relationship, and then pregnancy chemicals and feelings?


Yes he never takes responsibility for anything, it's always others are doing something wrong and they need to fix it. Yes on all your questions. :/


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mt2989 said:


> We were a little tight financially a couple months ago but now we're doing okay. I'm a stay at home mom and he's the breadwinner and I know he wants me to work so I've been looking for a job but I need a car and child care so that's our next step. Maybe he's feeling a little resentful to get me a car? He makes pretty good money and me being a normally high maintenance woman, since I haven't worked and he's took over bills the past year and half, I haven't gotten my nails or hair done and I hardly ask for money to buy makeup and clothes. If anything I don't feel comfortable asking, he intitially gets bothered but then he'll be okay. He was stressed about his job a few months ago but he's recently started a new position last week and seems to be happy there.


Perhaps your H is feeling some of the pinch. Perhaps feeling carrying the load is getting on him a bit. His response by getting bothered if you ask for a few dollars is telling. Your H is making fast calculations on being able to cover your request for cash and any upcoming bills. Or if he will be ok if he simply says no, the budget does not cover that at the moment. Have you talked to your H concerning the finances?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mt2989 said:


> Yes he never takes responsibility for anything, it's always others are doing something wrong and they need to fix it. Yes on all your questions. :/


I am so sorry.

Unfortunately, people as you describe have all kinds of clusters of behaviours and traits that are common to abusive people. This will not improve, and this is almost certainly the best it will ever be with him, and will almost as certainly get much worse. It is good that you are recognizing this now instead of much later with more kids in the mix. I honestly think it is time to start preparing your exit strategy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread with some info that might help you out: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm not in any way trying to absolve him from his terrible behavior - just trying to see if there is a way to understand it. 

The mother / lover issues is a real problem for some men. Its not being "only" a mother, but that his idea of "mother" and "sexual being" can't be combined in one person. The risk here is if he no longer sees you as a sexual person (because you are a mother) and now feels he doesn't know what to do with his sexual desires. That could even lead him to feel resentful and look elsewhere. 

Again, the explanation doesn't make it OK, I think he is fully at fault here. 




Mt2989 said:


> Hmm I've never thought of that. I could see that being true. I am just "mom" now, and he does have some mama issues with his mother and step mom. Maybe he's prjojecting feelings onto me. Also we don't have our alone time besides when the baby is asleep. I'm sure he misses being single and being able to party all the time. He's a very social person.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The lack of sex is just about the least of the worries here. Look at his other behaviours in aggregate in the first post, and the way he treats her...


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Has he been overworked or stressed the last few months? I know my wife lets me know that I am being cranky when I am stressed. 
I would suggest spending more time alone, go out on date nights at least once per month and socialize with other couples doing things you enjoy. 
I would also suggest counseling, this sounds like anger and verbal abuse, and if that is not how he was before a few months ago there might be some underlying issue that needs to be talked through. 
Good luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Mt2989

Yes, your husband is being emotionally abusive. 

Has he ever done things like thrown objects and/or breaking them? Pounding on things like a table or wall? Punched a wall? Been gotten 'in your face', meaning putting his face very close to yours and yelling/intimidating you? Raised a hand/fist at you when talking/arguing/angry?

My bet is that what you are seeing is his true nature now. When people first fall in love they are high on feel-good brain chemicals (dopamine, Oxytocin, etc). So they are putting on a good show to draw their new lover into a relationship. The problem is that with a person who is an abuser, over time they will slowly up the level of abuse. At this point your husband is beyond the usual 18 - 24 month infatuation period. At that point the brain greatly slows down the production and uptake of all those feel good chemicals. So now what you see is his real personality. This is who he is.

Abuse is about control. That's why he gives you no say about finances. It's a way to control you. Verbally beating on your is another way to control you. By keeping you emotionally upset, he has control over you. It is going to get worse if you stay.

There is a good book that I think would help you: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

You need to get a job asap. When you do, do not put that money into a joint account with him. Right now he is controlling the money. There is a high probability that once you get a job, he's going to start talking about you putting your money in with his and then he will control that money too.

Do you have friends and family who can give you emotional support during all this?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Mt2989 said:


> We were a little tight financially a couple months ago but now we're doing okay. I'm a stay at home mom and he's the breadwinner and I know he wants me to work so I've been looking for a job but I need a car and child care so that's our next step. Maybe he's feeling a little resentful to get me a car? He makes pretty good money and me being a normally high maintenance woman, since I haven't worked and *he's took over bills the past year and half, I haven't gotten my nails or hair done and I hardly ask for money to buy makeup and clothes. If anything I don't feel comfortable asking,* he intitially gets bothered but then he'll be okay. He was stressed about his job a few months ago but he's recently started a new position last week and seems to be happy there.


You are married. The concept of his money and you having to ask for money ended when you got married. He needs to realize that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Your are probably right but it might be a clue as to his mental state - or not. 



samyeagar said:


> The lack of sex is just about the least of the worries here. Look at his other behaviours in aggregate in the first post, and the way he treats her...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The abusive relationships I have seen involved blood and bruises. But as EleGirl pointed out now abusive relationship applies to emotionally abusive. 

In any case, your husband treats you terribly. No matter how it has ever been or might be labeled. No matter how you or your husband might see it, it is bad.

What to do about it?

I am not a fount of optimism, unfortunately. All I know is you do not deserve to be treated as you are being treated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that the word abusive is used far too readily these days, but I do agree that some of his behaviour is insensitive. Its sounds as if the rush to get married because of the baby and all the stress he has had at work etc has made him grumpy. When we get that way we sometimes take it out on those we are closest to. Having a baby before you had even got to know each other was a stress in itself. Then you leaving work, his job etc on top of that. A baby can bring stress even in the best of relationships. 

I would suggest some good marriage counselling. They will help you to communicate better.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> You are married. The concept of his money and you having to ask for money ended when you got married. He needs to realize that.


You have to ask him for money? That's not right. You're his wife, not his daughter. Im a SAHM and I never have to ask my husband...I just say to him that I need the card and if he doesn't have any cash on him we stop at the atm when I'm taking him to work.

That is NOT "his" money. His earning are FAMILY money.


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## AniaR (Feb 9, 2013)

Mt2989 said:


> However, he has been very critical of me lately and I don't know if I'm just noticing.
> 
> He's been nitpicking a lot and then - for example, (we never have dirty dishes in the sink,they are usually washed right away) the other day I left my empty tea cup in the sink and then *he said I was that lazy that I couldn't wash my cup*. Yesterday he asked if I could pop a zit on the back of his head and I told him it was an ingrown hair and not a pimple to pop(gross sorry) and then he said that he knows it's a pimple a*nd that I underestimate mysel*f. ??? Another example is he got a call for me on his phone and showed me the voicemail on his speaker and then I asked him to tell me the phone number and he went off and was saying how come I didn't write it down when I heard it the first time *and how I never listen*.
> 
> ...


The bold parts is what abuse looks like. You are being abused. 

You are being belittled, demeaned, criticized and undermined. Domestic violence is much more than hitting a partner, it starts with verbal abuse.

If I were you I will be making a serious plan for divorce.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Abuse covers a lot of range. While physical abuse is the most clear-cut and obvious, emotional abuse can cause a great deal of harm as well. It can destroy someone's self-worth. 

I don't think its important to try to weigh what sort of abuse is worse. I do think that emotional abuse is bad and that someone who is being emotionally abused should find a way to fix the problem or divorce - no one should live like that. 



Diana7 said:


> I do think that the word abusive is used far too readily these days, but I do agree that some of his behaviour is insensitive. Its sounds as if the rush to get married because of the baby and all the stress he has had at work etc has made him grumpy. When we get that way we sometimes take it out on those we are closest to. Having a baby before you had even got to know each other was a stress in itself. Then you leaving work, his job etc on top of that. A baby can bring stress even in the best of relationships.
> 
> I would suggest some good marriage counselling. They will help you to communicate better.


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