# Who is right here?—-update



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So, I am currently in a relationship with someone. It is a newish relationship, only around 6 months and I am finding myself not wanting to talk to them because I am starting to see insecurity and jealousy.

So, what has happened to send me here looking for advice?

My ex partner and I still owned a home together. He lived in the home and I took the kids and moved elsewhere.

He refused to sell the house, so I had to get a court or for him to do it.

A few weeks ago the house sold, so over the past two weeks I have admittedly spent a lot of time with my ex. We had to go through a huge house and storage shed filled with crap and we also had to decide on who got what out of the non-crappy stuff. It was very time consuming and by the end of the day I was just exhausted.

I tried my best to spend time with the person I was seeing, however I explained to them that this is something that I need to do because he cannot do it on his on and we had a short closing.

Almost every day that I have worked with the ex getting work done around the house I would get really nasty text messages, things like call me when you are done with your ex, having fun with your ex, I wont bug you because you are with him. Texts saying what have I done wrong that you are not talking to me and why have you not texted me for the past hour. Claiming that I am putting his needs before my partners and that my partner is getting the shaft because I am busy and tired.

I finally snapped and said listen, I have sold my house, there are things that need to get done and when they are done things will be normal now I thought that you understood that and I have thanked you for your patience.

What else can I say to my partner for them to drop it before I totally lose my sh!t on them?
Im doing my best to talk to them, spend time with them and am using positive reinforcement for the patience that they do show.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*

You can say 
"This relationship is over".

That will fix it!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Re: Who is right here?*

OP reread your post a few times and try to come up with one positive that would motivate you to continue a relationship with this guy. All I see are reasons to get the guy out of your life.


----------



## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*

I mean, clearly you want to jump your ex's bones. When I'm forced to get a court order to get something done it's a huge turn-on. 

Your SO sounds awful. Sorry. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

When you get out of a messy relationship, why would you want to jump into a new one so soon? Just back off from the dude and pull away. Date around and don't get into a relationship until you are fully ready. Still going through the process of extracting yourself fully from your ex is a bad time to be in a relationship with someone else.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*

Sounds like you would be jumping onto the crazy train if you stay with this person. Move on.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

*Re: Who is right here?*

madame x,

i am in agreement with you i sense he is very jealous and insecure and i suspect that if you looked carefully he felt just as jealous with the children as well. If you carefully exam the previous six months when he said something, about wanting you without the kids...just a hunch.


----------



## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Who is right here?*

I think you just got a fantastic peek at how this man will behave every single time you're not seeing eye to eye on something, and more importantly, when something more important than him comes up in your life, even for an amazingly short period of time.

This won't be an isolated incident.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*

Just out of curiosity, and not as a recommendation, did your new crazy guy offer to help you with this drudgery?

My wife has no ex boyfriends, so I would not have any reference to speak from. But the idea of helping did cross my mind. Many hands make light work, the saying goes. It might even be true sometimes.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*

I can really feel the jealousy and insecurity, now that it is more on my radar.
Problem is that SO has made it a point to become “friends” with my children on social media and knows my every move. Not cool. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Who is right here?*

This new love interest sounds like a Narc ready to dump a heap of drama on you at any point.

And he sounds a bit immature if he can't understand that sometimes we have to deal with adult problems. I'd go crazy if someone had to keep tabs on me like that,hence I'd know immediately that it wouldn't work out.

The social media stalking makes it worse. I left all social media years ago. I love being off the map. You're allowed to have a life without people keeping "tabs" on you.

You can ask your kids to defriend him.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

*Re: Who is right here?*

What's with all the coy "they, them, my partner" obfuscation regarding the current SO?


----------



## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*

The longer this relationship lasts, the worse it will get. You are going to find yourself with someone who will go off on you if you make eye contact with any male or do something as simple as smile politely at a waiter. Get out. Now.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*

You've been dating this person for 6 months and they already know your kids?

Whoa!

Please see a therapist before you start dating ANYONE.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

*Re: Who is right here?*

This is a good reminder to keep new partners away from your kids until you decide that it will be a committed relationship and he is worthy of being in your kid's lives.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

*Who is right here?*

Thank you for all the responses.

Unfortunately I could not keep the SO away from the kids due to social media. 
Now I am fighting, getting them to take this person off social media. Total pain




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*



xMadame said:


> So, I am currently in a relationship with someone. It is a newish relationship, only around 6 months and I am finding myself not wanting to talk to them because I am starting to see insecurity and jealousy.
> 
> So, what has happened to send me here looking for advice?
> 
> ...


Tell your partner to take a hike. To much into drama


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*



xMadame said:


> Thank you for all the responses.
> 
> Unfortunately I could not keep the SO away from the kids due to social media.
> Now I am fighting with getting to take this person social media. Total pain
> ...


Block the SO on yours kids accounts.


----------



## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*



ABHale said:


> Block the SO on yours kids accounts.


Yeah that's creepy. She needs to run! 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Who is right here?*



Phil Anders said:


> What's with all the coy "they, them, my partner" obfuscation regarding the current SO?


I was wondering this myself. Can't help but think there may be other critical details being left out to direct a certain response.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Re: Who is right here?*



xMadame said:


> Thank you for all the responses.
> 
> Unfortunately I could not keep the SO away from the kids due to social media.
> Now I am fighting, getting them to take this person off social media. Total pain
> ...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*



Magnesium said:


> You've been dating this person for 6 months and they already know your kids?
> 
> Whoa!
> 
> Please see a therapist before you start dating ANYONE.


MY now husband met my then just into adulthood children after a week or so,as I did with his sons. I cant see what is wrong with that? Maybe if they had been much younger it would have been different.

To the OP I think you have jumped far too soon into a new relationship before the stuff from the old one was sorted out. He sounds like trouble to me.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*



zookeeper said:


> I was wondering this myself. Can't help but think there may be other critical details being left out to direct a certain response.


I assumed it was a same sex relationship when I started seeing all the third person pronouns being used -'they' and 'them,' etc. etc.

Dealing with chick **** is sometimes worse than dealing with men's ****.

You can't escape it no matter what gender they are, xMadame.


----------



## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Greener grass 101


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

*Re: Who is right here?*

If you're dating a woman now, or someone who's trans, "non-binary" etc, than why not just say so? 

"Switching teams" (if that's indeed what you're doing) could create an extra layer of insecurity around your continued interactions with the ex, as the new SO may wonder if your heretofore conventional affinities have really changed as much as you claim they have.


----------



## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*

I smell a narcissist 😖 Run far FAR AWAY.....


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*

We had the talk. I told her that she was moving too quickly for me and I did not appreciate her having my children on social media. 

It became a heated discussion, but I stood firm on my boundaries.

She knows she is in rough waters with me right now.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Who is right here?*

Ahh, well, it shouldn't, but that it's a she, and your previous ex is a he, changes things a bit. I can see where the jealousy with regard to time spent comes from, when there's no real reason to have any.

It doesn't make it ok, and yeah, you should still be pissed off about it, but it tells a little more of the story.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*Re: Who is right here?*

I am proud of you for stating openly that you new SO is a she.

Thank you.

My wife and I appreciate the openness.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

*Re: Who is right here?*



WilliamM said:


> Just out of curiosity, and not as a recommendation, did your new crazy guy offer to help you with this drudgery?
> 
> My wife has no ex boyfriends, so I would not have any reference to speak from. But the idea of helping did cross my mind. Many hands make light work, the saying goes. It might even be true sometimes.


I realise that the new partner here is a she, but my advice is the same. It's not the place of the new partner to be there at this time. It's intrusive. This is the end of a family, there'll be memories and things to work through and process. All part of the journey.



xMadame said:


> I can really feel the jealousy and insecurity, now that it is more on my radar.
> Problem is that SO has made it a point to become “friends” with my children on social media and knows my every move. Not cool.
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Tell her to unfriend the kids.

Gender is irrelevant, this is a lot of drama for a new relationship. How's she going to react going forward when you communicate with your ex? You have to, you have children. How will she handle that?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Here is the update.

I took a few days to myself, well more like a week.
I was open and honest, said I was feeling a bit trapped and needed some space, so I got it.

Anyways, through out this week I did a lot of thinking. This person I was seeing was very touchy feely, where as I could not be this way with her. She also told me that she was deeply in love with me and would wait for me. I was indifferent.

So, I came to the conclusion that everyone else here said and I broke things off. I was not happy and could not see things progressing.

So, instead of burying her face in a bucket of ice cream or getting drunk off her ass like most reasonable people do (I know not most, but you get what I mean) this woman goes out for blood!
She took a private conversation that I entrusted my feelings into her, took it for a spin and actually tried to get my ex partner in trouble.She was so bitter that we still had a working relationship for the sake of the kids and felt he was the reason why I broke things off with her and in turn tried to get him into trouble for something that only partially happened!

I am so upset with her. 

I managed to smooth things over with everyone but I am at a loss right now.

If someone can do something so manipulative and vindictive because things just didnt work out, what crap can I expect from her next?!?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It is impossible to say what you can expect.

But don’t be too surprised if it’s pretty darn crazy.

The warning signs were there. Now you know. Trouble is, now you have to keep suffering if she doesn’t stop.

Protect yourself as best you can. Make sure everyone knows she is not to be trusted, and she is not your friend.

I recommend you don’t communicate with her no matter what. If she tries anything which requires a response get someone else to respond. Never engage her in any way.

If you’re lucky she is done with you and you won’t be bothered again. If you’re not lucky she might be stalking you for years, trying to destroy your life.

Good luck.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Sounds like you've been dating my ex-wife! 

Expect the unexpected....slashed tires, showing up at all hours and in random places, threats of suicide, lies, manipulation, attacks, etc.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You might want to consider a protective order or a restraining order if you can get one. 
You better buckle your seatbelt, I doubt she is done.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You really should consider having some time with just you and your kids without jumping into another relationship.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

MadameX,

Rightly or wrongly she feels scorned, and as the saying goes....Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, there is truth in that....you are definitely entitled to your feelings but don't expect that she will understand...after all the heart wants what the heart wants.....you had control over this relationship and you ended (and you were right to end it), but now she looking to take that control over it, even in a negative way.


----------



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Magnesium said:


> Sounds like you've been dating my ex-wife!
> 
> Expect the unexpected....slashed tires, showing up at all hours and in random places, threats of suicide, lies, manipulation, attacks, etc.


And coming home to a boiling bunny rabbit on your stove...


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

I have been doing my best to avoid contact with her, such as avoiding texts that are obvious baiting maneuvers to get me into a conversation.

Hopefully she gets the hint and moves on sooner rather than later. I do not want to deal with this garbage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

xMadame said:


> I have been doing my best to avoid contact with her, such as avoiding texts that are obvious baiting maneuvers to get me into a conversation.
> 
> Hopefully she gets the hint and moves on sooner rather than later. I do not want to deal with this garbage.
> 
> ...


ALL communication from her is a baiting maneuver. You must go completely No Contact in order to protect yourself. There may be an extinction burst at one point, but it will be downhill after that. 

Take care of yourself.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

xMadame said:


> I have been doing my best to avoid contact with her, such as avoiding texts that are obvious baiting maneuvers to get me into a conversation.
> 
> Hopefully she gets the hint and moves on sooner rather than later. I do not want to deal with this garbage.
> 
> ...


Avoid contact w/ her at any cost. That means zero responses from you. Block her from social media, your account and your children. I had a friend like yours at one time. They will purposely hurt you by embarassing you and other devious acts. Beware of these type of individuals. You might be dealing with a sociopath.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Did you actually break up with her or just tell her you needed space? If it's the latter, I suggest a direct message to tell her it is over for good. Don't rely on someone "getting the hint", especially someone who seems a bit unbalanced to begin with. 

If it were me, I would actually meet in a public place and tell her this while staring her in the face so she could see my resolve. I wouldn't allow any drifting off the topic and would get up and leave as soon as I felt I made my intentions clear. If you leave any doubt at all, a nut job will squint really hard to see what they want to see. She may do that anyway, but at least you will have done the honorable thing. 

If you are genuinely afraid for your safety (I don't really see anything here to indicate violent tendencies) just do it electronically, but do it. Don't leave her in limbo or you're likely to extend this process.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

No messages. 

No contact.

Complete silence. Please please remain completely dark.

One communication and you might have to live with her for years longer. It just can't be stated strongly enough how important it is you do not respond to anything she says.

And do not send any messages to her at all about anything.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> Did you actually break up with her or just tell her you needed space? If it's the latter, I suggest a direct message to tell her it is over for good. Don't rely on someone "getting the hint", especially someone who seems a bit unbalanced to begin with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I did actually break it off.
I asked for space and after I came to the conclusion that I was done, I broke it off completely.

I will be going no contact with her shortly. Unfortunately there is one last matter that needs to be dealt with and as soon as that is finished, it will be complete no contact.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We do wish you all the very best.

I wish you would not take care of that one last matter.

If this person really is as people suspect she is she may well interpret that one last contact as proof you really do want her attention and she will cling to that for years and years, and bombard you and your family with unwanted attention.

Your best hope to get rid of her is to not contact her again about anything.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> We do wish you all the very best.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Unfortunately the final matter is a financial one.  We had been talking about going somewhere for a weekend a few months ago and she made a reservation. I was not able to go and she feels like she is owed money for the cancellation. 

I would rather just pay for the costs and be done with it, however she is refusing to provide me with a receipt for the transaction so I am in limbo waiting for this situation to end. I believe that she is doing this to hold on. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Who is right here?*



xMadame said:


> We had the talk. I told her that she was moving too quickly for me and I did not appreciate her having my children on social media.
> 
> It became a heated discussion, but I stood firm on my boundaries.
> 
> ...


I hope upon hope that you return to the dark side.
The side with beards, mustaches, and testosterone.

They are much easier to deal with. 
You take care of their belly and their balls and they are content.

With women, God bless em, you have to take care of their fold and take care of their tears, their grief, and their souls.

With a man you can take care of 'most' of his needs with two hands.
With a woman you need to be too clever. She knows what your mind and your' hands are 'up to'. 

And she knows she cannot adequately supply what men can offer.
Hence the fear and the anger and the jealousy.

In the military, I was repeatedly exposed to this dynamic between women lovers.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: Who is right here?*



SunCMars said:


> I hope upon hope that you return to the dark side.
> The side with beards, mustaches, and testosterone.
> 
> They are much easier to deal with.
> ...


i find that handling women is pretty easy when you understand the basic rules for it. just handle things without emotion (rationally) and hold onto your "N.U.T.'s". 

i _would_ say that it is easier for men to do this than it is for women because of how society raises them, but that is becoming less and less true every day...


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

xMadame said:


> Unfortunately the final matter is a financial one. We had been talking about going somewhere for a weekend a few months ago and she made a reservation. I was not able to go and she feels like she is owed money for the cancellation.
> 
> I would rather just pay for the costs and be done with it, however she is refusing to provide me with a receipt for the transaction so I am in limbo waiting for this situation to end. I believe that she is doing this to hold on.
> 
> ...


She probably is. Almost certainly is. As is, for sure.

When will you decide enough is enough? At some point any moneys you lose may look trivial compared to the bother she creates. Yes, this is scare mongering. And it is only a possibility.

The longer she holds on though, the more it looks like she will continue this type of grasping and controlling behavior.

The longer it goes on, the more it looks like she will continue it for a very long time, and any further contact will only encourage her. Sad.

Anyway, you need to think about when to write off the loss as irrecoverable for your sanity's sake. Next month, or next year. I think you can handle the wait better if you have a plan roughly in place for when she fails to perform. 

Your plan should not be to keep contacting her, over and over.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> She probably is. Almost certainly is. As is, for sure.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We have not had contact for days.

Plan on my end is to view the receipt and pay, or take her word for it and pay, making sure I have proof of payment.

I honestly regret everything. I hope she gets this and just moves on. We were not together long, no need to draw things out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

xMadame said:


> We have not had contact for days.
> 
> Plan on my end is to view the receipt and pay, or take her word for it and pay, making sure I have proof of payment.
> 
> ...


yes.

But you view this as a reasonable person.

She may (probably does) view this through the prism of psychosis. She may think you belong with her, and she has the right to enforce that. I fear you may have stepped into never never land.


psy·cho·sis

noun
a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> yes.
> 
> But you view this as a reasonable person.
> 
> ...




I really hope you are wrong and that she can be a reasonable person about this.

I fear that you are right and that I will have to deal with a nut.

My mother texted me yesterday and said she had seen her and there was a glare in her eye. It really puts one off of anything. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We all hope I am wrong.

Here's hoping!!


----------

