# 3 years of no sex from boyfriend.



## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Hello, I didn't know where to post this. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We sort of act like we are married because last year we moved in together. He always calls me his "wife" to everyone...which is nice. Things seem perfect, we get along great. There's just one little problem. He never ever has sex with me. I noticed this from early on. He said he was a virgin so I thought maybe that was the reason. I was his first, I initiated everything pretty much. Eventually I noticed a trend in his behaviour. He never initiates sex and never desires to have sex with me. After 2 years I started to actually feel depression from this. It is hard emotionally to go on for months on end without sex...which is basically what is happening right now. I gave up with initiation, and I haven't initiated anything in over 10 months now, and he has not really even noticed.

I feel like I am ugly to him and it's effecting my confidence in myself. He always says things like "I'm sorry for how it makes you feel but I love you with all my heart, you are beautiful, don't let my problem ruin your confidence." The strange thing is he doesn't have any problem with erections, or ANYTHING, he just doesn't want to. He comes up with excuses every single time including "I have to work in the morning, I'm tired, I was busy, I just don't feel like it". And then later on he turns on porn to get off....which is how he is managing every night. He'd take porn over me. I don't think he's addicted to porn. He barely has any....maybe one video or two and he uses that as a way of sex every time.

When I tried to initiate sex with him I always picked days where he didn't work, I tried daytime, night time, I even tried buying us wine to get the mood going. I tried giving him back massages, I tried boosting his confidence A LOT....but it always ends in the same ordeal. There is definitely such a thing as pink balls....as opposed to blue balls...which I never knew until I met him. 

So this constant uphill struggle that gets me nowhere actually made me give up on him, sexually. He didn't even seem to notice at all. It's been almost a year now and I now sleep in a seperate bed....not out of anger, but just because this just sort of manifested over the last year. I'm not sure why. We feel like roommates now. We still get on great, and he always says he's sexually attracted to me, but it's just not there.

I don't want to leave him. It would crush me if it came to that. I just wonder why he never wants to be intimate with me. I don't even bother asking because it actually makes him mad now if I even hint it. I stopped altogether.  It is making me so depressed. I've given up.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Snowpine said:


> And then later on he turns on porn to get off....which is how he is managing every night. He'd take porn over me. I don't think he's addicted to porn.


He's addicted to porn.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You should thank your lucky stars he is your boyfriend and not your husband, because that means you don't need to get a divorce.
Just get rid of him and find someone who wants to have sex with you.
Assuming you are even average looking, you shouldn't have any trouble doing better than him.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

He's watching porn way more than you think. 

Or could he be Gay?


People don't have sex or they try hard not to if they are not attracted to the other person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

He is probably gay, and has not admitted it to himself...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why would you think it's nice that a man who refuses to make you his wife, then calls you his wife? That says he is a shallow, cowardly, weak person who is looking to pretend to be something he is not to his friends and assocates. 

You already have enough information to know that you should not waste any more of your life with this man.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I've considered that he might be gay. I've considered a lot of things. I honestly don't think he is though. The porn he looks at isn't gay porn. I always thought people addicted to porn would have large amounts and be obsessive about it...more openly. He seems to just do a "quicky" every night to get by. I've seen his porn. It's mainly blow jobs. I've done this to him to try and please him, still nothing. I really don't want to leave him over sex. It's really hurting my self esteem though. 

He's good in so many other ways like he is really kind, funny, we go on trips together like camping (never had sex on our trips either). I'm starting to think it's my fault. I never had this problem in the past though. I don't know what to do.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Today, your pain is of your own making. You can change you, but you cannot change him.

Three years is a long time. How much longer are you willing to be celibate?


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

It's not you, it's him...

I bet if you dump him and find another guy you'd see it not you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

To be honest I always considered my sex drive low compared to some of the people I dated. For me once per week is plenty, or even once per 2 weeks. There were relationships where we had sex everyday, but I don't need it that often to be happy. I just really don't like that fact, that with him it's NEVER.  

I've considered things like him cheating on me, or being gay, or being too afraid to. But it just doesn't make sense because how can anyone be afraid for 3 years? Also, for all the times I initiated...he always got off 100% of the time with him trying to get me off maybe 5% of the time. I feel so depressed.  I feel like this could have been perfect, which in a lot of ways it is except for that one thing.

As for marriage, I'm not too quick to marry him and he's in the same boat. Marriage would be nice, but I think both of us are kind of afraid to at this point. His brothers are married and his whole family seems normal, and really friendly. I have no idea what is wrong.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

If it continues this way I know it will have to come to a break up  I just wish I knew what to do to make him want these things with me. I don't see any reason why not to. He says things like "sex isn't why people should be together" and "there are more things to a relationship than sex". See this sounds good in theory but in real life it's just plain depressing. Of course there are other reasons why to be together, but without sex it makes me feel less woman or something. Sex makes me feel like I am alive and the relationship is healthy. It's always been like this though. 

My biggest fear is leaving him. Also, I could so picture him suddenly being super intimate with his next woman, as he used me as a practice girl or something....he really acts like he loves me. The look in his eyes and the things he says is all pretty normal in terms of him being happy with me. He acts like we are perfect for each other and always says so. But.....yeah.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

You are not married to this man. You are living with him, in a kind of marriage practice. At this point in your relationship the sex, physical bonding, is typically VERY frequent.

He is showing you what type of husband he will be.

Pay attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Snowpine said:


> If it continues this way I know it will have to come to a break up  I just wish I knew what to do to make him want these things with me. I don't see any reason why not to. He says things like "sex isn't why people should be together" and "there are more things to a relationship than sex". See this sounds good in theory but in real life it's just plain depressing. Of course there are other reasons why to be together, but without sex it makes me feel less woman or something. Sex makes me feel like I am alive and the relationship is healthy. It's always been like this though.
> 
> My biggest fear is leaving him. Also, I could so picture him suddenly being super intimate with his next woman, as he used me as a practice girl or something....he really acts like he loves me. The look in his eyes and the things he says is all pretty normal in terms of him being happy with me. He acts like we are perfect for each other and always says so. But.....yeah.


You wouldn't be leaving him over sex. You would be leaving him over Love, Passion and Desire from the person that is supposed to be sharing these tings with you.

If three years is not enough proof that you will never have these feelings shown to you then how long will it take?

How much more evidence do you need?

In your next relationship make sure you let your expectations be known before you move in with or commit to him. And if your next guy tells you once every week or two isn't enough for him you should know exactly how he feels. So be honest with him.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Now, I was going to say it is just the way he is which may be the case. BUT, is he really jerking off every night and won't have sex with you? 

Time for a last ditch ultimatum I would think - Mr., two choices. Stop jerking off for 3 months and come to you when he feels the need to ejaculate, see how that goes. OR the relationship is headed for the crapper because he doesn't want to have sex with a real live women...



Snowpine said:


> I've considered that he might be gay. I've considered a lot of things. I honestly don't think he is though. The porn he looks at isn't gay porn. I always thought people addicted to porn would have large amounts and be obsessive about it...more openly. *He seems to just do a "quicky" every night to get by.* I've seen his porn. It's mainly blow jobs. I've done this to him to try and please him, still nothing. I really don't want to leave him over sex. It's really hurting my self esteem though.
> 
> He's good in so many other ways like he is really kind, funny, we go on trips together like camping (never had sex on our trips either). I'm starting to think it's my fault. I never had this problem in the past though. I don't know what to do.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My biggest fear is leaving him. Also, I could so picture him suddenly being super intimate with his next woman, as he used me as a practice girl or something....he really acts like he loves me. The look in his eyes and the things he says is all pretty normal in terms of him being happy with me. He acts like we are perfect for each other and always says so. But.....yeah. 

I have read some ridiculous statements before on this forum but this is up there for one of the worst. You don't want to dump this guy cause he might find someone else to have sex with.....lady he is not having sex with you, what practice did he have with you? He is most likely a homosexual. Life is too short to be wasting time and energy with this dud. Don't you know you deserve better?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

The jerking off every night when you have a real live women in front of you asking for it for three years is a massive red flag.

Don't waste anymore time on this relationship. All the things he has said to you (there is more to a relationship than sex. etc.) are common themes in multiple threads here. I can translate it for you. It means, I am not sexually attracted to you, so I will continue to jerk off rather than have sex with you.

Sorry to be so blunt but he will never show a sustainable sexual attraction to you.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

It's true that there's more to a relationship than sex. Just like there's more to a car than wheels. It may not be the whole, but it's still important if you want the whole to function properly.

You say your biggest fear is leaving him. Why is that? I challenge you to come up with an answer to that without involving how HE would feel about breaking up or what he would do, only how you would feel and what you would do. What are you afraid of?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> The porn he looks at isn't gay porn. I always thought people addicted to porn would have large amounts and be obsessive about it...more openly. *He seems to just do a "quicky" every night to get by.*


Well, there ya' go!

He is a porn addict, watches porn every night, and is having *imaginary sex with women who AREN'T REAL.* Totally ignoring his REAL-LIFE, flesh and blood lover.

Time to put a fork in this... he is not a "boyfriend"... he is a "roommate"...

It's over. It's done. Time to pack up, move along.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I'm scared of leaving him because of how much I invested in this relationship. Not just emotionally (which I have) but other things like how we live comfortably together otherwise. We bought all the furniture in here together and have cats we both adopted together. Dumping him would really pain me a lot. I'd probably be really sad and even devistated if I did. He's a good guy if we were friends.

There's nothing really wrong with him from that standpoint. He's devoted to pretty much everything else in our relationship and is also faithful, he makes me laugh like nobody else and I am physically attracted to him.

I'd feel sad to dump him over sexual problems. I know I can't change him. Just now I asked him if he wanted to do anything (I haven't done this in ages) just to see his response, to make darn well sure of this problem. This is what he said:

"I am attracted to you sexually, you worry too much. Your being paranoid. I don't have sex because I've gotten lazy. You take too long to get off anyway." ......................he left it at that. It hurts every time. 

He has a habit of blaming it on me, which further destroys my self confidence to the point of thinking it is my fault. He also said "don't worry we will fix it." he's said this many times before and maybe we'd have one good night (with a lot of complaining from him saying his back hurts, or saying I take too long...which makes it take even longer)....then after that things went back to the way they were before.

The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. Should I really start thinking of leaving him?


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I always thought maybe he wasn't sexual with me because he was a virgin. I thought over time he'd learn things, together, and grow confidence. I gave him a lot of time. I was really patient with him, tried my best to have fun with it...it never was good enough for him. I was once a virgin, so I know this reasoning doesn't make sense really. I was nervous but only for maybe the first few weeks...not 3 years. I definitely became more and more interested in sex after losing my virginity...with whomever I was dating at the time. I know this sounds silly, but for me I had more sex when I lost my virginity then I do now. For him it's the total opposite. 

He has no interest. He treats it like a chore. He wants no part of being intimate with me sexually. He backs this up with saying I am his soulmate...it's all very confusing.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Also, he is 28 and I am 29.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

It will hurt if you leave, but only for a while. It won't stop hurting if you stay.

You've invested a lot, and that sucks. But sometimes in life, you have to cut your losses. If you stay, you'll keep investing and still be unhappy.

He's blaming you so he won't have to change anything. If he was sexually attracted to you, he would have sex with you (even if you took too long to finish and he had to finish first).

He's full of crap, and he's hoping you won't see that, because then he will lose the conveniences of living with a woman.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Also, another thing I forgot to mention is with kissing. He doesn't romantically or passionately kiss me. It's a quick peck on the lips before bed sometimes and that's it. If I ask for a more passionate kiss he does yet another peck on the lips. In the first year I met him he did kiss me passionately so I had no reason to believe it would come to this. The sex though was never there, unless I initiated, and it usually ended in him having a happy ending, and going to bed after.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

He can say he is sexually attracted to you until the cows come home. Hell, maybe he is. But who cares if he doesn't act on that attraction? Does it any different if someone doesn't screw you because they aren't attracted to you or if they don't screw you but are attracted to you?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> Hello, I didn't know where to post this. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We sort of act like we are married because last year we moved in together. He always calls me his "wife" to everyone...which is nice. Things seem perfect, we get along great. There's just one little problem. He never ever has sex with me. I noticed this from early on. He said he was a virgin so I thought maybe that was the reason. I was his first, I initiated everything pretty much. Eventually I noticed a trend in his behaviour. He never initiates sex and never desires to have sex with me. After 2 years I started to actually feel depression from this. It is hard emotionally to go on for months on end without sex...which is basically what is happening right now. I gave up with initiation, and I haven't initiated anything in over 10 months now, and he has not really even noticed.
> 
> I feel like I am ugly to him and it's effecting my confidence in myself. He always says things like "I'm sorry for how it makes you feel but I love you with all my heart, you are beautiful, don't let my problem ruin your confidence." The strange thing is he doesn't have any problem with erections, or ANYTHING, he just doesn't want to. He comes up with excuses every single time including "I have to work in the morning, I'm tired, I was busy, I just don't feel like it". And then later on he turns on porn to get off....which is how he is managing every night. He'd take porn over me. I don't think he's addicted to porn. He barely has any....maybe one video or two and he uses that as a way of sex every time.
> 
> ...



Sounds like he might be secretly addicted to porn

Or gay, bi

Or having another woman on the side


If you are his first as he claims, and he knows you want sex with him often, he should be all over you and all the time.


You sound like a healthy adventurous high sex drive HD woman and he might be a low sex drive LD guy. It's rare but it does happen with guys.


He could be very stressed out about work and finances?

Perhaps he is a large guy and very insecure about his body?


Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz separately and then compare the results.

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


My wife is LD conservative and usually never initiates sex because she is very insecure about her body size She only dry kisses and its doggy and oral. Her main love language is Acts of Service rating 12, so she'd rather please me than me pleasing her. I am Physical rating 12, so any physical and sexual attention I get from her I love. She is LD conservative and I am HD adventurous.

It's called sexual mismatch and there isn't much you can do.

Since you both are in your primes, you should be having sex all the time and with toys and going crazy.


If you truly love him, you can try and work it out. Or you can break up and find a man who is HD adventurous and will want all forms of sex with you and initiates most of the time.

My advice is don't marry this guy and have kids.


Your bf sounds similar to my wife and you sound just like me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok... Your last few posts say it all...

He doesn't EVER kiss you passionately...

You want to stay because he's a great guy and you bought a bunch of furniture together...

For him, sex is a "chore"...

Time to toss this one back. Just chalk it up to "It didn't work out."

Trust me, you don't want to waste 20 years of your life (like I did) in a sexually dead marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Thanks for all these answers, it's given me a lot to think about. I think I am becoming more afraid of this lasting forever until I am 60, and then realizing it was a mistake. I'm scared of leaving him as well. Both choices are difficult. For me it seems like such an easy fix. For me it's like, "let's just have sex, woohoo!" but to him it's like doomsday or something  

Maybe he just has a really low sex drive. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he has a medical problem, that's how bad it is. I know I can't go on like this, but it scares me that I might continue this.  I have always been terrible with goodbyes. As a result of this though I find myself less attracted to him now. The fact that I find myself giving up and sleeping in my own room and not even trying now, isn't a good sign. How much worse can it get? I'm scared of initiating for fear of being turned down which is all that ever happens.

All I can really do realistically is either carry this on until it puts us so far apart that we are both depressed and miserable, or I can leave and lick my wounds and move on. 

He told me about his girlfriend he had before me. They never had sex together. Basically he said she gave him oral and that was it. He said "she didn't want to be pleased" but I have a funny feeling that this might have been a lie. She dumped him, and he never really said why, he only said "I just hope the same thing doesn't happen to us" and looked pretty sad about it when he said it.

I don't want that either, but eventually something is going to give.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Thanks, yeah that bother's me too. We are both in the primes of our lives. We ain't getting any younger! Lots of times I think "this is it?"...or "this is my life now?". In terms of sex...and yeah it really does grind on my emotions. I feel like a failure.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone  It's like a slow painful realization that really eats at your confidence and questions your very relationship, despite loving the person so much.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's 2 rules for couples with mismatched libidos:

1. Do not get married while the mismatch continues. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do NOT have kids while the mismatch continues. It isn't fair to the kids.

In Holdingontoit's experience of 13+ years on Internet forums dealing with mismatched libidos, cases that get resolved (in the sense that the couple stays together and the higher drive person is happy with their sex life) get resolved within 3 - 6 months of the higher drive person putting their foot down and saying "we resolve this or I am outta here". Cases where it has not resolved to the high drive partner's satisfaction within 3 - 6 months never get resolved to the high drive partner's satisfaction. You mileage is incredibly unlikely to vary. The sooner you put your foot down, the sooner you will either resolve the problem or the 3 - 6 months will pass and you can leave with no regrets.

Telling him you are unhappy and that you can't stay forever if this continues is NOT putting your foot down. Putting your foot down is taking action. You pack your bags. You put down a deposit on another apartment. You take out an ad looking for a roommate. You move back with your parents or your BFF from college. You do NOT come home from work every night to the same apartment with the same unresponsive partner and say "I am still unhappy". If you aren't unhappy enough to leave, you aren't unhappy enough for it to motivate the lower drive partner to make any changes.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> All I can really do realistically is either carry this on until it puts us so far apart that we are both depressed and miserable..


Don't do this. It never works. You WILL be depressed and miserable, and unfortunately it will last FAR longer than you ever imagined. 



Snowpine said:


> ..or I can leave and lick my wounds and move on.


Yes, do this!



Snowpine said:


> He told me about his girlfriend he had before me. They never had sex together. Basically he said she gave him oral and that was it. He said "she didn't want to be pleased" but *I have a funny feeling that this might have been a lie. She dumped him, and he never really said why, he only said "I just hope the same thing doesn't happen to us" and looked pretty sad about it when he said it.*


MAJOR red flags here. He has given you all the warning you need. Trust me on this. He is sexually dysfunctional. He needs serious counseling to get to the bottom of his issues. Are you willing to go through this with him, perhaps for months or years? And possibly little or no resolution at all?


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I was in the same spot. My ex husband and I were together 12 years. You described just him. Never had any sex drive or intimacy. I would cry, beg, plea, threaten and nothing changed. I one day decided I'm done fighting about it and I'll see what happens. Three months later nothing happened still. I made a random choice to kick him out. And I never looked back. Best decision. Men like that don't change. And sex is not selfish. It's the glue to a relationship. It's critical. Most marriages divorce because of sex issues. You need to be glad your not married and run. 
Him rejecting me ruined me and scarred me. I lost weight for him, was very active and nothing changed. As soon as I left I felt beautiful and felt comfortable in my skin again. But to this day I don't know why he was like that. All his labs were normal. I wander if he is gay or a sexual but he has a girl friend now


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Let's make this real simple.

Unless you actually filled out some paperwork and got legally married, you are NOT his wife. You are a roommate and friend. You are a live in convenience companion he doesn't even want to f*ck.

Pack your stuff, get a new place to live, find a nice man with a healthy libido who is actually attracted to you, and have screaming hot sex.

And, no, he doesn't have a low libido. He's jerking off nightly to porn. He gets aroused and wants sexual release. He just doesn't want it with you.

ETA:
If you really can't bare to leave him and insist on wasting even more of your life on this "relationship", I don't see why you can't have your sexual needs met elsewhere. Explain to him that your friendship, because that's what it is, is leaving you with unmet needs that you'll be having met by other men and then go out and meet other men!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, I was in your situation, and I made the mistake of marrying the guy. I didn't leave him, citing all the same reasons that you've cited.

WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.

It will NEVER get better with this man, it will ONLY get worse. It will ruin your confidence, your self-esteem, it will give you anxiety.

GET OUT NOW.

He doesn't really love you. If he did, you would be fvcking like bunny rabbits. But you're not. The only reason he's still around is because 1) it's convenient, 2) you pay half the bills, 3) and it's easier for him to NOT do anything, so YOU have to be the one to do the hard work of breaking up and moving out. He's lazy and he's taking advantage of you. And he's a wussy man-child for not being honest with you, and for not letting you go.

This guy is an ASS and you deserve SO. MUCH. MORE. You deserve someone who will fvck you six ways from Sunday.

Pack your sh!t and get out of Dodge. You can get new furniture and whatever else. Or just take the stuff you like with you. Trust me, he's not going to stop you.

Get out and find a real man, because this one doesn't deserve you.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Thanks for all the replies. I had a good talk with him tonight. Usually he ignores me if I start talking about sex (even if I'm being flirty...trust me, he really does!) but tonight I think he finally saw how much this has been hurting me. I didn't threaten him or tell him an ultimatum, I basically said how much I loved him and that me wanting sex with him is a "compliment" and that it's because I'm attracted to him. He said something like "well I read online most relationships fail because the love runs out, at first it's like a huge crush then it dies out, the only relationships that last are the ones that have a deep friendship."

I agreed. I said, "yeah we have that friendship!"...we really do...maybe even a bit TOO MUCH. We do act like the best of friends, that's why it's so hard. We laugh pretty much all day long with each other. He is also the type to cry when he's really happy. He's cried over our cats cuddling him, cries whenever he thinks of the first time we met. This is the part I love about him. He genuinely is happy with the relationship. It brings him to tears pretty much bringing up any of our history together. Even if we argue, we just laugh about it later, if I don't he does..and eventually I do, it's as if nothing can go wrong...we bond perfectly on any other level except this...and to be honest sometimes it leaves me feeling sorry for him. So I hang on. Waiting. Hoping. Trying...and then feeling like I must be ugly...for many years. It's THAT part that just makes me feel so awful. Everything else is perfect.

I tried to lose weight for him ...tried all those other things. Heck I even tried dressing up beyond my limit...still nothing.

Tonight I did talk to him. So he made up this thing called "Special Saturday". He said we can be intimate on that day every week. I told him a lot that it didn't matter if I got off or not, the fact we even did anything would mean so much to me. If we just tried on Special saturday. I asked him to kiss me after and he did with passion. This is a first. I don't remember a kiss like that since we met. I don't even know why he kissed me like that tonight. Thank you forums! lol! I guess I really showed him it was bugging me...still no intimacy though.

I am hopeful about his new plans, but there is a side of me that is screaming "don't get too hopeful!" he's done things like this before. To be honest, this is my last chance with him. I will see what happens on Saturday. If it turns into him complaining at me for bothering him....that's it. I know it's done.

Thanks for all your answers, this gave me the courage to confront him. I didn't cry, I didn't beg, I wasn't even mad, I told him in my usual tone and he seemed to see this really bugged me. I know he cares. I know he really does, deep down, but something is stopping him.

I will see what happens. If he really doesn't want to on Saturday, then I know it won't ever change. Sexual therapy is a good idea as well, I am willing to do that! I just don't know if he will. I am trying to save this relationship with all I have got.

This is seriously a last ditch effort. I know that when Saturday comes and he shows no interest I will slowly begin to really move on. I can feel it in my heart. It's been there a while now. The fact that I know that HE KNOWS how important this is right now....I just hope he just goes for it. If he does that would make me feel a lot more confident about our future. Just having that one hassle free day per week, that's honestly enough for me, I could live with that happily, I really could. We will see though. I don't know what to expect right now. This is everything.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Snowpine said:


> I've considered that he might be gay. I've considered a lot of things. I honestly don't think he is though. The porn he looks at isn't gay porn. I always thought people addicted to porn would have large amounts and be obsessive about it...more openly. He seems to just do a "quicky" every night to get by. I've seen his porn. It's mainly blow jobs. I've done this to him to try and please him, still nothing. I really don't want to leave him over sex. It's really hurting my self esteem though.
> 
> He's good in so many other ways like he is really kind, funny, we go on trips together like camping (never had sex on our trips either). I'm starting to think it's my fault. I never had this problem in the past though. I don't know what to do.


He is obviously interested in sex and can obviously obtain an erection. He refuses to have sex with you but he likes watching videos that feature someone sucking male genitalia. Before you he had apparently never had sex with a woman because he identified himself as a virgin. Adult man interested in sex but not with women, likes looking at videos in which the only genitalia featured is a penis. Sounds pretty gay to me.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He is ready to break up with his hand? How romantic!!!!


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Its not your fault, but right now, like me, your choosing to stay and he is living his life as he sees fit. You may have to initiate the "trial seperation" speech and see what he says. This is a decision you will make, you are there, we are not. Good luck 15 months of celibate marriage here, not by choice


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

intheory said:


> It is strange, unbelievable. But if he was gay, he could easily go online and look at gay oral sex. Why limit himself to a few tapes of hetero oral sex??


Deniability. Maybe to others, maybe to himself. He's going very far out of his way to appear straight. Even refers to the OP as his wife, implying there is a sexual relationship where none exists. He couldn't very convincingly play the role of straight guy if he were looking at gay porn. From the narrative, he's not viewing hetero oral sex, he's viewing mostly BJ videos. That's pretty specific. Nothing in that story about him getting off or becoming aroused watching a man go down on a woman. If he's into women, sexually, where's any evidence of that? 
He likes to see videos featuring a penis.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Thanks intheory I would definitely wait a bit longer if he went to therapy for it. I can't help but think that he is so used to having porn as his pleasure, that he really is lazy in that sense and is actually telling the truth. I never thought of this before but after today I feel like...he knows he has a nice relationship, he probably even loves me and is passionate about it, but he can get away with no sex, and still have his sex...via porn. So he's living in this world where he doesn't need to try there. I'm still here...everything is good, he has a girl...he doesn't have to fear rejection. It's all there.

I really want him to know that normal healthy relationships arn't like this. If the only relationship he had in the past was a girl who he didn't pleasure, or even if she didn't want to be pleasure, maybe he's grown used to this. He can have his cake and eat it to...he can have a relationship without any efforts. His fear of rejection in the sexual world (which might be because he was a virgin before he met me) doesn't mean anything since I've been with him 3 years, everything is good outside of this, and I'm pretty patient! 

I don't think he realizes how much this can hurt someone. Maybe he doesn't even mean to do it. He is really sweet ...with anything except for this. I want him to learn what it's like to be with a real person...not an internet video. I really hope he tries on Special saturday  I'm just hoping.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I agree with the other posters that he probably actually does have a normal sex drive. I hate to say it...but maybe he really is lazy with it, since we are living together and "happy". Why try if things seem happy? Although...the one thing that bothers me still is...don't most people like having sex? To me it's not a chore at all, to me it's fun.  He views it as a chore. I really hope things change.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> I agree with the other posters that he probably actually does have a normal sex drive. I hate to say it...but maybe he really is lazy with it, since we are living together and "happy". Why try if things seem happy? Although...the one thing that bothers me still is...don't most people like having sex? To me it's not a chore at all, to me it's fun.  He views it as a chore. I really hope things change.


I don't buy it. No one, man or woman, who has a normal sex drive is "too lazy" to have sex, or views it as "a chore".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> He is obviously interested in sex and can obviously obtain an erection. He refuses to have sex with you but he likes watching videos that feature someone sucking male genitalia. Before you he had apparently never had sex with a woman because he identified himself as a virgin. Adult man interested in sex but not with women, likes looking at videos in which the only genitalia featured is a penis. Sounds pretty gay to me.


Add in the fact that he cries like a hormonal chick and thinks a romantic relationship with a woman is merely friendly, I'm totally going with he's gay and probably won't ever admit it to the OP because he won't even admit it to himself.

The blowjob porn is a great beard. Because it's women giving the beejers, he can claim to himself and everyone else that he's not gay because it's not gay porn. Nevermind that the thing about it that excites him is the penis....

If I were OP, I'd seriously wonder what man or man's junk he conjured up to be able to pull off that "passionate kiss". 

Hell, I wonder if it was even a passionate kiss. After 3 years of pathetic pecks, the bar must be real low.

Someone upthread said if OP left he'd let her. I disagree. Where else is he going to find a woman to pose as his GF, contribute to the bills and house cleaning, AND put up with his questionable sexuality? There aren't a lot of women out there that would sacrifice their youth, their sexuality, and possibly the ability to have children for a friendship.

And that's just the thing. The difference between being friends and being romantic partners is the sex!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Personal said:


> At the end of the day it doesn't matter why, all that matters is he won't have sex with you and that alone is why you should dump him right now.


In this case, it might actually matter quite a bit. Right now, the OP is feeling ugly and undesirable. She thinks his reluctance has something to do with her or her appearance. If the dude is just not into women, there is absolutely nothing she can do to change that and there is no logical reason to invest another second trying or worrying about it. If he's into women but not her, she gets to carry that undeserved garbage with her after the relationship ends.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Snowpine said:


> Tonight I did talk to him. So he made up this thing called "Special Saturday". He said we can be intimate on that day every week.
> 
> So he can get off in the way he prefers 6 days a week and you get to maybe have tepid sex with an unenthusiastic partner 1 day a week if you're lucky?
> 
> ...


So what if he has duty sex with you this Saturday and then doesn't do it again next Saturday? 

Have you ever been in a normal, healthy, loving relationship?


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Problem with communication?

what you need is to communicate properly!

Tell him you want him to be more aggressive sexually.

Tell him how long you want? , x amount you want in a week, x amount in a session.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm a bit late here.

First -this is no way your problem and its very likely there is nothing you can do to change things.

The sex night idea will probably fail. (if my life has been any example). It will happen for a few weeks, then something will come up that prevents it once, then many times. 

Sex will become a constant struggle - you always feeling unwanted, undesired. Sex will become unbalanced - you will do anything for him, while he will discover he doesn't need to do much of anything for you

Because of the porn this isn't a case of standard LD, but the effect is the same. You deserve better - and its out there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The plan you described is a band aid on a bullet wound.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> I agree with the other posters that he probably actually does have a normal sex drive.


I completely disagree if you mean he has a typical heterosexual sex drive. No way. Either he has an extremely low heterosexual sex drive or he has a normal homosexual sex drive.

You have invested 3 years in this relationship. He is sweet and pleasant. You really really really want this to work out and not have to go find someone else and chalk up these 3 years as a long painful learning experience. You are 29 and you want to get married and have babies and not have to go back to square one and find a decent guy to do that with. Sorry, not going to happen with this guy. 

If you want marriage and babies with a guy who will have sex with you after the babies are conceived, then dump this guy and go find a guy who finds you sexually attractive and has a higher heterosexual sex drive. If you stay with this guy, expect to be virtually sexless for the rest of your life. 

I know you don't want this to be the case but it is. You have been warned. Staying in denial will either result in (a) you being 33 and asking the same questions and regretting having invested 7 years in an unsatisfying relationship or (b) you being married with small children regretting that you married and had kids with a guy who isn't sexual enough for you to be happy. 

I know leaving him is terrifying and will be painful. Trust all of us here on TAM who have more experience than you: staying will be even more painful and if you could see things objectively from outside the situation you would realize that staying is MORE terrifying than leaving. You just can't see it from inside the emotional tornado. We see the monster walking toward you with an axe in his hand. You only see the wind and the debris flying by and can't imagine choosing to voluntarily walk into the chaos. We see that if you don't run through the chaos, the monster with the axe is going to chop you into little pieces.

But it is your life and you get to choose. TAM will still be here for you if you choose to stay. Plenty of us HDs who chose to stay with LDs for one reason or another and we are available to share the misery. But we would rather you save yourself than join the corps of walking dead.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

An awful lot of pedophiles (and I'm not equating pedophilia with homosexuality) get off on images that appear innocent to others and you won't find kiddie porn on their computers. They can find a lot of gratification in the underwear section of a catalog or in pictures of kids at play or even in images of ancient statuary. It'd be perfectly understandable that someone who is gay but wishes to keep those feelings secret might use images other than gay porn for their sexual gratification.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

I'd say the concept that you've invested X amount of time with someone so you should invest more before calling it quits has prevented a lot of people from being happy.

He's had 3 years to get his act together, is that not enough? So you give him another 6 months and before you know it you're 4 years in and nothings changed. But now he says I'll go to therapy. So another year and now you've been with this guy for 5 years. All the experts who don't know the lack of intimate details start asking when are you getting married? Now you're (I think you said up thread you're 29 now?) so now you're 34, you want kids, you need to do that soon. Your self esteem is in the tank and you think no one else would want you. Besides it's too late to find someone else. By the time you wade through the idiots and find a good guy then develop a stable relationship with him, yeah that could take a while. So you might as well get married and make some little people with this guy. And there it is. The next 20 years are pretty well spoken for.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

first and foremost he needs to get his head on straight and get rid of his weird ideas about marriage.

he has a lot of maturation to do. i get that he is only 29, and God knows what a naive dumb guy dude i was at that age, so i don't want to be judgmental.
but marriage is a very serious endeavor that should not be entered into being immature. i realize you are not married yet, but that would be the eventual situation for most LTR and for practical purposes you are living together as though married.

his weird ideas about 'sex is not why people are together', and 'friendships are more important', and 'you're worrying to much, it'll be fine' 'it's your problem' are all signs of
profound immaturity and evidences that he is not prepared for marriage or even a LTR relationship.

you obviously care and love this guy, so I'm going to leave it at that. I would suggest to him, he see a councilor, not because he's a bad guy or won't someday make a good spouse and father, but he has a lot of growing up to do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

29 is immature these days? The dude has been an adult for 11 years. Whatever his issues are, he's a damned fraud. He's living with a woman, purporting to be married yet behaving like a secretly perverted monk. He's had nearly three decades to figure out if he prefers the intimate company of females or his own hand or other guys. If he wants to be in a relationship with his hand or with other men (or women) that's where his body needs to be. Be what you are. If you say you're a heterosexual male in an adult intimate relationship, behave like one.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> 29 is immature these days? The dude has been an adult for 11 years. Whatever his issues are, he's a damned fraud. He's living with a woman, purporting to be married yet behaving like a secretly perverted monk. He's had nearly three decades to figure out if he prefers the intimate company of females or his own hand or other guys. If he wants to be in a relationship with his hand or with other men (or women) that's where his body needs to be. Be what you are. If you say you're a heterosexual male in an adult intimate relationship, behave like one.


exactly

that's why he's immature. 29 yo has nothing to do with it.
there are very mature 29 year olds. he isn't one of them. 

i wasn't either at that age.

but. i knew it and had at least the wisdom to not get married or live with a woman until i gained that maturity. i think that's the real point.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

At his age, not even 30, he's either cheating, gay, addicted to porn or has an underlying illness affecting his ability to sustain an erection. 

Work through the possibilities with your eyes wide open. Once you have your answer, then decide if you can live with it, or not. The decision lies entirely with you; people don't fundamentally change once they become adults.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Tell him he can't jerk off or watch any porn anymore without offering you sex first. Then monitor his activity. I agree with the consensus that you should get out of this relationship. Do you really want have to force him to have sex the rest of your life?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Leave him. 

Once you restart a normal sex life with mr new guy, you will wonder why you wasted so much time on mr old guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

When you talked with him & he agreed to special sex night did you ask him to stop masturbating? To me that seems like the best plan - he quits MB to porn & only has sexual release with you. If that doesn't work then it's over. It's not fair that he gets his release elsewhere when your sexual needs aren't being met. If you were satisfied sexually then the MB wouldn't be a problem, but you're not so it is. He doesn't need sex with you because he's meeting his own needs. 

I warn you though, oftentimes when men have been masturbating for years as their primary sexual release they will have difficulty climaxing through other ways. I tell you this only so that you understand if he has this problem that it has nothing to do with you. Your self esteem is already suffering & you need to know that his lack of desire for you or ability to cum during intercourse is because of the masturbating not because of you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

""I am attracted to you sexually, you worry too much. Your being paranoid. I don't have sex because I've gotten lazy. You take too long to get off anyway." ......................he left it at that."

This tells you all that you need to know. The first 3 statements are pure lies. The 4th is the quasi-truth (he doesn't have sex with you because he is all he needs). The last is blame-shifting his failure. 

Three years is a blip in a long-term relationship. Don't let it hold you back from leading a fulfilling life.

What is so surprising is that he isn't concerned at all that the woman who is his soulmate is forced to lead a sexless life. What a selfish pri*k! He gets his and to hell with you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Generally, if you have to ask your partner if they find you sexually attractive, they don't. Regardless of what his words say his actions indicate he's not sexually into you. You know this but you are still there. Why are you still there? Does part of you believe you deserve no better or that if you ditch him you won't be really loved by another man? I don't believe a person with a healthy self-image would tolerate the treatment you have described. You have no power to fix him and that's not really your issue, anyway. You may need to get some counseling to figure out how you got in this position and why you have tolerated it so long. Before anyone else can really love you you have to accept and love yourself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> Just now I asked him if he wanted to do anything (I haven't done this in ages) just to see his response, to make darn well sure of this problem. This is what he said:
> 
> "I am attracted to you sexually, you worry too much. Your being paranoid. I don't have sex because I've gotten lazy. You take too long to get off anyway."


OUCH.:crying:

Your BF is very selfish. Wow. 

And because he's not looking at 'gay' porn doesn't mean he's not gay. There are men involved in his porn so I wouldn't rule that out. At this point though, the 'why' doesn't matter. He's not into you. That's all you need to know.

10 months w/out sex? I'd be out of there immediately. Actually, if I found him jacking off every night w/out my involvement, I'd be out of there immediately. In fact, that's what I did w/my first live-in BF. He was addicted to porn and I knew I couldn't compete and didn't want to compete with that noise. It's exhausting.

Pull up stakes and get the hell out. He is showing you what kind of a husband he'd be if you got married. And please, don't do that. You're young. Go find someone that lusts after you and cares about sexually fulfilling you. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's an integral part of a healthy, loving one. You say if you leave, you will have wasted 3 years. Don't waste more time by staying with him!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Snowpine said:


> If it continues this way I know it will have to come to a break up  I just wish I knew what to do to make him want these things with me. I don't see any reason why not to. He says things like "sex isn't why people should be together" and "there are more things to a relationship than sex".


He is correct, there are many more things to a relationship than sex. There are also many more things to a car than the engine but you wouldn't go and buy a car without an engine as it's pretty damned important. That is what makes the car a car and not a push cart similarly sex is what makes a relationship something other than 2 buddies who live together,

I read on here, when I was still in a sexless affectionless marriage, that if the sex is good then it's a part of the relationship, when it's not good it's everything. 



> See this sounds good in theory but in real life it's just plain depressing. Of course there are other reasons why to be together, but without sex it makes me feel less woman or something. Sex makes me feel like I am alive and the relationship is healthy. It's always been like this though.
> 
> My biggest fear is leaving him. Also, I could so picture him suddenly being super intimate with his next woman, as he used me as a practice girl or something....he really acts like he loves me. The look in his eyes and the things he says is all pretty normal in terms of him being happy with me. He acts like we are perfect for each other and always says so. But.....yeah.


You are not perfect for each other at all. This is your sign, your red flag, that you are not compatible. Take it from someone who missed the red flags that you need to leave now as it won't get better. If he is excusing and explaining the situation to you rather than trying to improve it then this is how he wants it. 

If he is super intimate with the next woman then you will get your confirmation that you and he were not suited to each other so you can be happy that you dodged a bullet.

When you find your real loving relationship, and you will, you will realize how much better it is.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WonkyNinja said:


> He is correct, there are many more things to a relationship than sex. There are also many more things to a car than the engine but you wouldn't go and buy a car without an engine as it's pretty damned important. That is what makes the car a car and not a push cart similarly sex is what makes a relationship something other than 2 buddies who live together,
> 
> I read on here, when I was still in a sexless affectionless marriage, that if the sex is good then it's a part of the relationship, when it's not good it's everything.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes, yes to ALL OF THIS.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are very nice gentlemen out there who will love you and treat you right while simultaneously ramming and ravaging you until you are a puddle of spent orgasms.

Believe you deserve them and take your time finding one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Snowpine said:


> I agreed. I said, "yeah we have that friendship!"...we really do...maybe even a bit TOO MUCH. We do act like the best of friends, that's why it's so hard. We laugh pretty much all day long with each other.


You can get that from a Golden Retriever as well, but you wouldn't marry one.



> I tried to lose weight for him ...tried all those other things. Heck I even tried dressing up beyond my limit...still nothing.
> 
> Tonight I did talk to him. So he made up this thing called "Special Saturday". He said we can be intimate on that day every week. I told him a lot that it didn't matter if I got off or not, the fact we even did anything would mean so much to me. If we just tried on Special saturday. I asked him to kiss me after and he did with passion. This is a first. I don't remember a kiss like that since we met. I don't even know why he kissed me like that tonight. Thank you forums! lol! I guess I really showed him it was bugging me...still no intimacy though.


So you are his girlfriend and he suggested that you could have a weekly "Special Saturday" when he might make an effort to be intimate with you. That isn't even a clue to a hint to the possibility of maybe some sort of change might happen.



> I am hopeful about his new plans, but there is a side of me that is screaming "don't get too hopeful!" he's done things like this before. To be honest, this is my last chance with him. I will see what happens on Saturday. If it turns into him complaining at me for bothering him....that's it. I know it's done.


Listen to that side of you, it's your friend.



> Thanks for all your answers, this gave me the courage to confront him. I didn't cry, I didn't beg, I wasn't even mad, I told him in my usual tone and he seemed to see this really bugged me. I know he cares. I know he really does, deep down, but something is stopping him.
> 
> I will see what happens. If he really doesn't want to on Saturday, then I know it won't ever change. Sexual therapy is a good idea as well, I am willing to do that! I just don't know if he will. I am trying to save this relationship with all I have got.
> 
> This is seriously a last ditch effort. I know that when Saturday comes and he shows no interest I will slowly begin to really move on. I can feel it in my heart. It's been there a while now. The fact that I know that HE KNOWS how important this is right now....I just hope he just goes for it. If he does that would make me feel a lot more confident about our future. Just having that one hassle free day per week, that's honestly enough for me, I could live with that happily, I really could. We will see though. I don't know what to expect right now. This is everything.


He will probably make an effort on Saturday and maybe the Saturday after as well, then he gets to tell you through the week how good it is, but it isn't.

If he is serious about you as a girlfriend and possible wife he should WANT you. Not hint at the fact that he might try and make some sort of effort on a weekly basis and then insult you by calling it "Special". It should be all day and every day.

As someone who spent nearly 20 years in a marriage to a spouse always ready with another excuse or reason why tonight (or any time for that matter) wasn't the night or sometimes exclaimed with glee that she was "so drunk I might even get lucky" but then fell fast asleep I have to tell you that it is completely and utterly soul destroying being in a relationship knowing that your spouse really isn't interested in you "like that". 

You'll look at your friends and coworkers and wonder what they have that makes them attractive to their other halves that you obviously don't have. 

You need to see a serious 24 hour/day 7day/week change to being a partner, none of this throwing crumbs to the peasants c**p about "special saturday".

You may have guessed by my comments that this thread hit a, still after 2+ years, very raw nerve with me. I left my marriage and was lucky enough to find and marry someone who never stops telling me how much she wants me, and it really is wonderful every day.

You are lucky in that you are not married. Don't settle for way less than you deserve. You need to preserve your self esteem and self respect, if you don't respect yourself then no one else will either. 

I really wish you the best of luck.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So, did you two have "Special Saturday" today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> So, did you two have "Special Saturday" today?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's my question. I'm hoping for an update from the OP.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I've had normal relationships with guys before when I was younger. So to me, this relationship has been so much of a struggle. "Special Saturday" ...didn't really pan out in the way I thought it would. I got all ready. Had a shower, tried to find my most attractive clothes lol. I kind of felt like I was going on a first date or something, but something about it felt really off.

We didn't talk about it much during the day. I really didn't want to initiate anything this time. I was scared of rejection. I am actually REALLY scared of rejection at this point, from him. Night time came, and he actually "sort" of tried. He came into my room and asked me if I wanted to do anything. I said okay. The weird thing is I suddenly felt really afraid. I went in his room with him, and right away in a joking voice he said "are you going to suck my.....?". I said "that's not funny." He said he was just kidding. Then he started talking a lot...he said, "Sorry, I swear the only reason why I never do things with you is because you take so long to get off....". I was shocked he was already talking about that. I said "well, the average girl takes at least 20 minutes. Plus we need to do more things then just...sex, it helps a lot if we do foreplay". 

He then continued to act like it was such a chore. He said "fine, but how long will it take?". I don't get why he always makes me feel horrible like this. I felt sick to my stomach every time he kissed me. I felt no attraction to him at all. 

Anyway, I said I was tired and decided not to try anything with him. I wasn't "turned on", I felt like I was wasting his time. He tried again today but I just didn't want to. This is actually a first for me, with him.

I wasn't expecting to feel this way at all. I feel like I wasn't attracted to him...I was scared of not being able to get off. I felt like this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I just felt guilty, afraid, ...

I know he tried, and this is the first time he's tried....and all he did was tell me to hurry up  

There is also the problem of me just not really being into him that much anymore. I think when I gave up 10 months ago, I started to move on from him. I had no idea. 

I do care about him and love him, but I think we probably arn't sexually compatible  Or maybe we are, but he's too lazy to try and now I'm too scared to try. My heart was pounding. I felt so put on the spot. 

Now what? 

I agree with the other posters that even if it did work out, that it would go back to the way it was before. I was also scared of that happening. On a side note we did have a nice thanksgiving...on sunday. We work out as friends...who really love each other, but ...the sex probably won't ever happen at this point. I actually think I have mentally given up on the whole idea, and just realized that in the past week.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Also would like to mention when I said that maybe we shouldn't do anything, he looked SO relieved. He had a big smile on his face and his voice changed to all upbeat and happy. He started acting so friendly with me, and ...I could tell it was a huge chore off his shoulders.  I really think there is no helping this relationship anymore.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

I think Special Saturday was more like Special Realization day. I don't think I have the strength to work on a sexual relationship with him anymore. I don't think he wants to anyway. Never saw him look so happy when I changed my mind. Even I felt relieved in a way. It was as if we both didn't want to. I felt like if I continued I'd be pretending to have a nice time with him in that way. In the past I would have tons of fun even though it was just me initiating but over time it just ran out I guess  I feel like I don't know him anymore in that sense. I just wish he'd stop blaming me since I'm slow to get off (20 whole minutes!). He makes me feel like crap to be honest. I don't know what will happen now.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Snowpine, 
You really need to leave. If you think you feel bad now, 10 years from now it will be unbearable. Read up on the wives and husbands that are so sexually frustrated with their spouses who will not have sex with them.

You have a BIG silver lining in your cloud. You're NOT married. I know you are afraid to leave and think the future is hopeless without him. Trust us. There is someone WAY better down the road. Just get up and go. You'll be SO glad you did.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that whole thing came off as weird and almost creepy.

a young guy trying like the devil to avoid sex? All happy and relieved after you give him a pass?
doesn't compute very well.

As to the 'you take so long to get off' thing, that is usually the domain of long time married couples who have been together for years.
After mr. X has had sex with mrs. X 3,671 times, he rather just go hide in the bathroom and jerk off.
(not saying it's right, only that's how it often can be). 

At his young stage in life, sex should be totally exciting and engrossing, or somethin's off.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> I've had normal relationships with guys before when I was younger. So to me, this relationship has been so much of a struggle. "Special Saturday" ...didn't really pan out in the way I thought it would. I got all ready. Had a shower, tried to find my most attractive clothes lol. I kind of felt like I was going on a first date or something, but something about it felt really off.
> 
> We didn't talk about it much during the day. I really didn't want to initiate anything this time. I was scared of rejection. I am actually REALLY scared of rejection at this point, from him. Night time came, and he actually "sort" of tried. He came into my room and *asked me if I wanted to do anything*. I said okay. The weird thing is I suddenly felt really afraid. I went in his room with him, and right away in a joking voice he said "*are you going to suck my.....?*". I said "that's not funny." He said he was just kidding. Then he started talking a lot...he said, "Sorry, I swear the only reason why I never do things with you is *because you take so long to get off....*". I was shocked he was already talking about that. I said "well, the average girl takes at least 20 minutes. Plus we need to do more things then just...sex, it helps a lot if we do foreplay".
> 
> ...





Snowpine said:


> Also would like to mention when I said that* maybe we shouldn't do anything, he looked SO relieved*. He had a big smile on his face and his voice changed to all upbeat and happy. He started acting so friendly with me, and ...I could tell *it was a huge chore off his shoulders.*  I really think there is no helping this relationship anymore.





Snowpine said:


> I think Special Saturday was more like Special Realization day. I don't think I have the strength to work on a sexual relationship with him anymore. *I don't think he wants to anyway*. Never saw him look so happy when I changed my mind. Even I felt relieved in a way. It was as if we both didn't want to. I felt like if I continued I'd be pretending to have a nice time with him in that way. In the past I would have tons of fun even though it was just me initiating but over time it just ran out I guess  I feel like I don't know him anymore in that sense. I just wish he'd stop blaming me since I'm slow to get off (20 whole minutes!). He makes me feel like crap to be honest. I don't know what will happen now.


Honey, look at all the bolded parts above. It's not that you're not sexually compatible (although that is probably true). He doesn't love you. No man who really loves a woman would treat her like this, nor would he want her to feel like this. None of this says love. NONE OF IT.

He's dragging it out because he's too scared. Of what? I don't know. He's scared of being alone, or he's scared of hurting you. Whatever. It's doesn't matter. What matter is that he's chicken sh!t for leading you on and feeding you scraps all this time, and that you've accepted his bullsh!t behavior. *You need to leave.* Pack up your sh!t and get the hell out of Dodge. Forget the furniture and sh!t you bought together. Take what you love and leave the rest. It's just stuff. It doesn't matter. it can be replaced. But the rest of your life, your sanity, your emotional health, all of that cannot be replaced, and it is very difficult to heal once it has been damaged.

Pack your bags and DTMFA. (Dump The MotherFvcker Already.)


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Yeah that what I was thinking. I was always thrown off by how uninterested he seemed in it, even from the very beginning. In the beginning I didn't let it bother me. I had no problem at all doing all the work. Eventually I started to notice I was never being pleasured...not ever. This feels kind of awkward to mention but I remember in the beginning he'd pretend to fall asleep while touching me ..within 3 minutes in. This happened 100% of the time in the beginning for almost a year (for the 5 times he actually did touch me). The second year it was mainly me pleasuring him. I wanted to make it work. I figured if I always pleasured him...it would make him interested. I went to him every night for months...again eventually feeling empty inside.

I think in total from when we met until now he tried maybe 8 times total....after a lot of complaining. I always thought it was my fault. For some reason I felt guilty for not getting off in under 15-20 minutes. Imagine trying to feel turned on when your partner is literally falling asleep every 3 minutes, whether night or day, and then yelling at you for taking too long...and never ever initiates, you have to beg him and look like and feel like crap all the time. I always felt bad for not getting off (for those few times) and, so made up for it by pleasuring him...and then feeling like a failure that he wasn't interested in getting me off....not ever.

It's only this 3rd year I finally gave up. It's not fun, it's not something I find romantic or fun at all. 

Today I told him that I just don't think we are sexually compatible. All this time I've been holding onto a false hope. Even on Special Saturday I felt like giving him a free pass was actually me feeling guilty. I felt guilty that he had to touch me and try. 

It's the most confusing, bizarre, ...damaging sexual relationship (if you can call it that) I've ever had. 

I miss not having to worry about this. I miss just having sexual intimacy whenever, without even thinking about it. I even remember times in my past, me and who-ever I was dating would stay up all night doing just that. I know, that's probably more normal.

I think he thinks it's a chore for him because he makes it into a chore. I can't ever change that, and I'm certainly not attracted to it at this point.

The only thing left to do is leave, and it's going to be hard, but I know that's what will happen.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Snowpine, if he asked you to marry him tomorrow, would you do it? If the answer is no (and it should be), then don't waste another moment of your life.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> Yeah that what I was thinking. I was always thrown off by how uninterested he seemed in it, even from the very beginning. In the beginning I didn't let it bother me. I had no problem at all doing all the work. Eventually I started to notice I was never being pleasured...not ever. This feels kind of awkward to mention but I remember in the beginning he'd pretend to fall asleep while touching me ..within 3 minutes in. This happened 100% of the time in the beginning for almost a year (for the 5 times he actually did touch me). The second year it was mainly me pleasuring him. I wanted to make it work. I figured if I always pleasured him...it would make him interested. I went to him every night for months...again eventually feeling empty inside.
> 
> I think in total from when we met until now he tried maybe 8 times total....after a lot of complaining. I always thought it was my fault. For some reason I felt guilty for not getting off in under 15-20 minutes. Imagine trying to feel turned on when your partner is literally falling asleep every 3 minutes, whether night or day, and then yelling at you for taking too long...and never ever initiates, you have to beg him and look like and feel like crap all the time. I always felt bad for not getting off (for those few times) and, so made up for it by pleasuring him...and then feeling like a failure that he wasn't interested in getting me off....not ever.
> 
> ...


And you shouldn't have to worry about it. This situation, with your current boyfriend, is NOT normal. Your other boyfriend experiences are much closer to normal.

Don't let the douche canoe try to convince you otherwise.

Don't put off leaving. Just rip the bandaid off. Give yourself enough time to sort out you taking your name off the lease, and find a friend that you can crash with for a month (or several) until you find a new place. Take what you want to take from the apartment. It's half yours, anyway. He won't put up a fight, since he'll be relieved that you're leaving, even though he won't say it. (Personally, I would leave all the sh!t behind... it's harder to start over when you're surrounded by things that you shared. I would take my personal items and hit the road.) If you put it off, you'll start to question your decision and second-guess yourself... because he's trained you to do that. Don't let that happen.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Snowpine, I have a good friend in situation like this, just longer. They have been married for around twenty years, no sex in the last 10 YEARS. Now, from the perspective she can see all the red flags - the same things that are happening in your relationship. She always initiated, more interested, he making her feeling guilty that all she wants is sex, etc. Her sexuallity got completely shut off, her self-esteem way down.
Now, they have a son together, and not much money so she cannot afford divorce. Instead she has someone on the side, for four years now, and frankly, she had to le-learn all sexuallity thing, overcome her shame that all this rejection created in her.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

Sorry for the long posts. Yeah, he is feeding me bread crumbs . I feel insane for letting it go on so long like this. I'm not sure why he thinks this is normal. He probably is afraid of being alone. He could probably get another girlfriend if he wanted though, he's good looking. He told me he's always had problems with self confidence. He doesn't really show it though. 

I'm not even sure why he stays with me other then our friendship. It's almost as if he likes having a relationship with a girl without the "ordeal" of sex. It's almost as though he loves it. It's like he takes great pride in turning me down because he's "gotten lazy lately" by his words.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Snowpine said:


> We didn't talk about it much during the day. I really didn't want to initiate anything this time. I was scared of rejection. I am actually REALLY scared of rejection at this point, from him.


That's not surprising, and that will get worse as your self esteem goes down.



> Night time came, and he actually "sort" of tried. He came into my room and asked me if I wanted to do anything. I said okay. The weird thing is I suddenly felt really afraid. I went in his room with him, and right away in a joking voice he said "are you going to suck my.....?". I said "that's not funny." He said he was just kidding. Then he started talking a lot...he said, "Sorry, I swear the only reason why I never do things with you is because you take so long to get off....". I was shocked he was already talking about that. I said "well, the average girl takes at least 20 minutes. Plus we need to do more things then just...sex, it helps a lot if we do foreplay". He then continued to act like it was such a chore. He said "fine, but how long will it take?".


And when you meet the right guy it will still be 20 minutes, but he won't count that as a chore, it will be 20 close and wonderful minutes and then if you're lucky it will be another 5 minutes to #2 and 5 more to #3 etc and it still won't be a chore. 



> I don't get why he always makes me feel horrible like this. I felt sick to my stomach every time he kissed me. I felt no attraction to him at all.


You said it. You won't feel that at all with the right guy.



> Anyway, I said I was tired and decided not to try anything with him. I wasn't "turned on", I felt like I was wasting his time. He tried again today but I just didn't want to. This is actually a first for me, with him.
> 
> I wasn't expecting to feel this way at all. I feel like I wasn't attracted to him...I was scared of not being able to get off. I felt like this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I just felt guilty, afraid, ...
> 
> I know he tried, and this is the first time he's tried....and all he did was tell me to hurry up


That is not trying.



> There is also the problem of me just not really being into him that much anymore. I think when I gave up 10 months ago, I started to move on from him. I had no idea.


Sounds like you know that you need to carry on moving on. 



> I do care about him and love him, but I think we probably arn't sexually compatible  Or maybe we are, but he's too lazy to try and now I'm too scared to try. My heart was pounding. I felt so put on the spot.
> 
> Now what?
> 
> I agree with the other posters that even if it did work out, that it would go back to the way it was before. I was also scared of that happening. On a side note we did have a nice thanksgiving...on sunday. We work out as friends...who really love each other, but ...the sex probably won't ever happen at this point. I actually think I have mentally given up on the whole idea, and just realized that in the past week.


If you have given up then you really just need to take the next step and move out, you don't have a marriage or children to consider.

Give yourself some time, get yourself together and be careful not to jump into a rebound relationship. You really need to decide what is important to you in a relationship and then enjoy dating until you find it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> Sorry for the long posts. Yeah, he is feeding me bread crumbs . I feel insane for letting it go on so long like this. I'm not sure why he thinks this is normal. He probably is afraid of being alone. He could probably get another girlfriend if he wanted though, he's good looking. He told me he's always had problems with self confidence. He doesn't really show it though.
> 
> I'm not even sure why he stays with me other then our friendship. It's almost as if he likes having a relationship with a girl without the "ordeal" of sex. It's almost as though he loves it. It's like he takes great pride in turning me down because he's "gotten lazy lately" by his words.


Because he's lazy and selfish. That's why.

And he probably has some emotional issues for him to think all of this should be acceptable to you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Because he's lazy and selfish. That's why.
> 
> *And he probably has some emotional issues for him to think all of this should be acceptable to you.*




yes


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> Then he started talking a lot...he said, "Sorry, I swear the only reason why I never do things with you is because you take so long to get off....". I was shocked he was already talking about that. I said "well, the average girl takes at least 20 minutes. Plus we need to do more things then just...sex, it helps a lot if we do foreplay".
> 
> He then continued to act like it was such a chore. He said "fine, but how long will it take?".


THIS right here will damage you even further if you stay one more day with this selfish, unloving man. It doesn't have to be this way, Snowpine. Leave. Now. Part as friends, not lovers. Because you're not lovers. This is a platonic relationship to the core. Leave him with his quick-cum porn. And you go on to find someone worthy of your love and lust.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Your "BF" can't eat pvssy for 20 minutes? How the hell does he make it through dinner? Half of that time is probably due to your nerves from his acting so put off. If you were my GF, I'd lock eyes with you and make sure it took 40--and you'd be begging to finish before 10. Point being, getting you off is something a guy who's into you should relish and enjoy instead of checking a @#%$ing stopwatch. Find that guy.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

How a person is conditioned to see sex can have a lasting impact. I wonder what he has learned about sex from the time he was young? I know that I was taught a lot of very bad (religious) things about sex when I was younger and it was a hard fought battle to unlearn that. I now make it a point to learn about what my wife likes so I can accomodate her.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

He could be Asexual gender-wise. It's uncommon but does happen.

It certainly doesn't mean you are unattractive - in fact often it goes the other way, as Asexual people are often highly aware of beauty as they're not distracted by mating hormones (eg no blueballs).

the masturbation will be lower his interest.
chances are if he's mostly asexual he will have no interest in exploring or explain the attraction.

it could be an issue if you want kids.
there *is* medication that can lower your own sex drive but most medical people won't admit to it (such effects are considered "side effects", if you're not in the military or jail) so if you go down that road you will want to do plenty of research and find a counsellor with broad gender and sexual training.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Snowpine said:


> Yeah that what I was thinking. I was always thrown off by how uninterested he seemed in it, even from the very beginning. In the beginning I didn't let it bother me. I had no problem at all doing all the work. *Eventually I started to notice I was never being pleasured...not ever.* This feels kind of awkward to mention but I remember in the beginning he'd pretend to fall asleep while touching me ..within 3 minutes in. This happened 100% of the time in the beginning for almost a year (for the 5 times he actually did touch me). The second year it was mainly me pleasuring him. I wanted to make it work. *I figured if I always pleasured him...it would make him interested. I went to him every night for months...again eventually feeling empty inside.*
> 
> *I think in total from when we met until now he tried maybe 8 times total....after a lot of complaining.* *I always thought it was my fault. For some reason I felt guilty for not getting off in under 15-20 minutes.* Imagine trying to feel turned on when your partner is literally falling asleep every 3 minutes, whether night or day, *and then yelling at you for taking too long*...*and never ever initiates, you have to beg him and look like and feel like crap all the time. I always felt bad for not getting off (for those few times) and, so made up for it by pleasuring him...and then feeling like a failure that he wasn't interested in getting me off....not ever.*
> 
> ...


There's no "if" about it. Read what you wrote, it has already damaged you. 

You had to argue that you didn't take longer than the average. No one who loves you would ever make you justify or explain how long it takes you to orgasm.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

wonkyninja said:


> there's no "if" about it. Read what you wrote, it has already damaged you.
> 
> You had to argue that you didn't take longer than the average. No one who loves you would ever make you justify or explain how long it takes you to orgasm.


this. ^^^


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I think this guy is terrified of women’s sexuality. Maybe he’s gay or maybe he’s just damaged - it's irrelevant. He does not care about your feelings on this issue therefore he is a poor boyfriend. He likes porn only about blow jobs, and when he tried sex with you in the past he failed to give you orgasms nearly all the time. To him, sex is ALL about his own pleasure and nothing for his partner. He may be avoiding sex with you to avoid the feeling of failure he gets when you don’t orgasm. One of those people who prefers not to try at all just in case they fail, and then he also has the nerve to blame YOU for his theoretical failure?? But he still has sexual needs which he fulfills by masturbating to porn. If he’s not willing to fix the issues by seeking counselling, either alone for his own problems or couples sex therapy with you, that is a big indicator that he considers HIS needs more important than YOUR needs. He says he’ll fix it, but then he does nothing and says it’s too much work? It’s nothing to do with sex except on the surface. Some of the things you’ve said are manipulative, designed to make you stay with him out of pity. Even him calling you his wife is manipulative. You are not legally married but he wants you to feel that you are. So you’re less likely to leave him? Does this laziness manifest in other ways? Does he do his share of housework, cooking, cleaning, earning income, etc? Is he supportive when you are down, or put in effort when you need help with other problems? When you have fun together in non-sexual ways, is it because he genuinely cares about your enjoyment, or is it just that you have similar interests and your enjoyment coincides with his?

If you are determined to give one last big try, I would suggest interrupting his nightly porn sessions and going after him while he’s already aroused. Get started with teaching him to be comfortable having his release in intercourse with you, then when (IF) that can be established, move along into getting your own orgasms.

Or you could break up as boyfriend/girlfriend and just keep him as a BFF roommate while you date others. Eventually, you’ll be in a better position to move out. But with this attitude, he doesn't seem like much of a good BFF either.

You may also want to check into the Fallacy of Sunk Costs. Call it a loss and put a stop to it before you get bled any drier. Start investing your money and effort into yourself, and a hunt for a relationship with mutual respect and true partnership.

Okay, I was kind of composing this as I read your thread and now I see what happened to Saturday. Now you can part ways with a clean breakup. He doesn’t love YOU, he just loves what you bring to his life that he can’t do for himself, but he has no interest in reciprocating.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I want to know if she has left him yet.

This guy is addicted to porn and is selfish. You are roommates. If you want a real relationship, it's not with him.

Sorry that you are here.


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## Snowpine (Oct 7, 2015)

This week has been a strange week. I think he finally realized how damaged our relationship is. He finally came to me one night, and didn't say anything mean or blamed me for anything. He asked me if I wanted to do anything. I basically said, "no, it's over really. We're not sexually compatible. I don't want to drag this out anymore." I honestly don't think he's used to me saying no.

He basically chased me around all the next day. See, usually this would be kind of a compliment, but the fact that I had to say no in order for him to do this is kind of painful. He acted like he really sincerely wanted to try. He kind of made me laugh by the end of the day since he was acting so silly with the chasing, so we finally did stuff together. 

Trust me, I am not the type of girl to demand being chased to have sex. I honestly just gave up and didn't really want to get hurt again. It was a nice night. This is a bit embarressing but it took me 30 minutes to ...um..get off. He said "wow that wasn't long at all and I actually really did enjoy pleasuring you." That was nice to hear. He's never said stuff like that before.

I'm not sure when the next time will be with us. He hasn't said anything since that night, and a few times I did, saying it was fun. He kind of changed the subject though. (Here we go again).  Well...I'm not sure what will happen.

It's fixable and he knows it, but one night doesn't fix anything....it is more like being lead on, but MAYBE just maybe he will ask for sex again. This is all his decision. He basically hates when I ask so I am giving him that freedom to ask. 

Ever since that night, which I thought was nice...(he said things like, I really do love you). He's kind of been really moody recently. I was in this over-the-top happy mood the day after he got me off. I felt great! However...he was kind of angry all day long. Everything was ticking him off for some reason. He kept swearing, and he's been like that for the last 2 days. I asked him what was wrong but he won't tell me. 

He has a really short temper with me recently. Yesterday when he came home from work, he started yelling at me to make him supper, and do all the housework. :O I was already tired from work myself. He was just plain miserable. I made him supper, did the chores he wanted me to do, then he said thanks, hugged me and goodnight.

Something tells me there are other problems in this relationship. Why does it always have to be so hard???


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Wow this guy really treats you like crap. You are a doormat, and you are right one night of sex doesn't change anything. 

He will do it once every now and then probably and think he's done his "duty" and go back to the porn. He isn't valuing or loving you.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Your boyfriend is actually abusing you, emotionally. He is using sex as a weapon against you instead of a way to connect with you. He could be gay or have a problem being emotionally and physically intimate with another person. But he is choosing to abuse you and doesn't think there is any problem with himself. You chose to live with emotional abuse for at least three years. Even if you leave your boyfriend you are at risk for falling into another abusive relationship. You really need to go to therapy and talk about why you internally believe its ok to suffer through years of abuse for breadcrumbs of love. Maybe one or both of your parents used to give little love to you in exchange for a lot of pain first. Find out why you ended up with this guy or no matter how hard you try you will easily end up with another abuser. There are abusers who appear loving and very charming when you first meet them and then groom you for their abuse. It can be so subtle and gradual that you don't notice your self confidence chipping away. Talking to a good therapist will be the best money you spent on yourself and help ensure you find the right guy this time. You don't have any more youth to waste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Your boyfriend sounds like he has the same mentality as me. Are you sure he is telling the truth about the past and nothing severe happened and damaged him?

The reason I ask is because I find women attractive and beautiful as well but have no interest in sex or intimacy of any kind Beyond regular hugging and kissing. Funny thing is I am only 29....

No I am not gay, but I do not want to fill this thread up with my post of what happened. In short my ex wife cheated on me and according to my counselors and the help of the forum here have come to the conclusion that I just simply am damage from what happened.

The last girl I was with for about four months and we broke up when she decided she wanted to start having intimac The last girl I was with for about four months and we broke up when she decided she wanted to be intimate and I told her I had no intention of that nor desire.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

helpthisguy86 said:


> Your boyfriend sounds like he has the same mentality as me. Are you sure he is telling the truth about the past and nothing severe happened and damaged him?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I find women attractive and beautiful as well but have no interest in sex or intimacy of any kind Beyond regular hugging and kissing. Funny thing is I am only 29....
> 
> ...


Did you tell your girlfriends they were paranoid and that they just take too long to orgasm? Did you invite them to move in with you, adopt pets together, buy furniture together and call them your wife all while giving little more than a peck on the lips and blaming the lack of intimacy on her being too slow to orgasm? 

When they said they wanted to be intimate with you did you lie and toss them breadcrumbs so they would stay while you had no intention of maintaining physical intimacy? 

What you have described is a healthier way to handle a relationship. You told your X's the truth and cut them loose when they weren't satisfied with your answer. 

Her boyfriend is emotionally abusing her, wearing down her self esteem and conditioning her to self blame for his problems. When she tries to disconnect he misrepresents himself in order to trap her under his abuse. Then when she gets her hopes up again he gets moody and bosses her around the house to make his food and clean up. 

If only he had behaved as honest and kind as you, she would have been free from this relationship after 6 months or less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Snow, what you describe sounds like he didn't want to have sex with you, but you told him you were going to end the faux relationship over sex. So, he did the deed to keep you around and is acting angry with you because he resents having to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Leave him. There is no commitment here. You owe him nothing


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Snowpine said:


> This week has been a strange week. I think he finally realized how damaged our relationship is. He finally came to me one night, and didn't say anything mean or blamed me for anything. He asked me if I wanted to do anything. I basically said, "no, it's over really. We're not sexually compatible. I don't want to drag this out anymore." I honestly don't think he's used to me saying no.
> 
> He basically chased me around all the next day. See, usually this would be kind of a compliment, but the fact that I had to say no in order for him to do this is kind of painful. He acted like he really sincerely wanted to try. He kind of made me laugh by the end of the day since he was acting so silly with the chasing, so we finally did stuff together.
> 
> ...


Snowpine, it's always sad to see a woman settle for a man of low quality.

Have you ever thought of men in terms of their overall quality?

A guy can be really handsome to you, but if he doesn't treat you well, he's a jerk. But if you strip the emotion out of the situation, he's probably just a man of low quality.

A guy can have a great job, pay your bills, and take care of you. But if he doesn't treat you well, he's a d!ck. Strip away the emotions, and he's probably a man of low quality.

A guy can be your husband or boyfriend, but if he doesn't want to have sex with you, he doesn't love you. He's also a pathetic loser, selfish, mentally damaged, and should have a neon sign floating over his head that says "Stay away from this person."

If you strip away the emotions, though, well,actually, he still doesn't love you, and is still a pathetic loser, and all the rest of it.

Additionally, he is a man of low quality.

The sad part is that, by accepting this shoddy treatment, you are relegating yourself to being a WOMAN of low quality.

Because a woman of quality would demand and require much better treatment than you are accepting, here. She would value herself, and know that she deserves love and respect, and if she wasn't getting it, she would go find a better man.

The question you should be trying to answer is "why do I, Snowpine, think so little of myself that I let a guy treat me like this?"

Answer that question, and the relationship will get a lot easier, quickly, because you'll either find peace in the relationship, or hopefully decide to become a better version of you, and find a better man.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Snow, what you describe sounds like he didn't want to have sex with you, but you told him you were going to end the faux relationship over sex. So, he did the deed to keep you around and is acting angry with you because he resents having to do it.


I'm quoting this because it bears repeating. He had sex with you--something he really didn't want to do--in order to try to change your mind, to get you to stay. But he resents you, because in his mind, he blames you. He thinks that you forced his hand, that you "made" him do this, that you gave him no choice. Which is why he's being moody now. And this will turn into a pattern. Is this really what you want to live with, for the rest of your life? No, let me rephrase that--do you really want to spend another minute living like this, with a man who doesn't give a sh!t about your needs, and who resents you for expecting that he hold up his half of the relationship?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Snowpine said:


> It's fixable and he knows it, but one night doesn't fix anything....


No. Wrong. Bzzz. Incorrect. The truth is exactly the opposite. It is NOT fixable and he knows it but he pretends it is fixable to keep you around. There are lots of ways to describe that behavior but none of them are flattering. To either of you. He is using you and you are letting him. He is selfish and manipulative and you are living in denial.



> He basically hates when I ask so I am giving him that freedom to ask.


What? You hate going without sex. Is he giving you the freedom to ask for sex whenever you want and he will provide it? No. Why are you giving him what he wants?



> Ever since that night, which I thought was nice...(he said things like, I really do love you).


OMG, he actually said I love you? Out loud? One whole time? During sex? Sister, you better marry him tomorrow.

Please, wake up. I told my wife I loved her every day for the first several decades of our marriage. Even though we never had sex anywhere near as often as I wished. You really are accepting crumbs.



> Why does it always have to be so hard???


Because you are with a selfish jerk. If you were with a quality guy
who was compatible with you then it would still require work but it would be enjoyable work rather than a soul-draining ordeal.

Sorry to be such a downer but this is like watching a horror movie. I feel like shouting at the screen "don't open that door! Run away!" Which is my advice to you. This guy is treating you like crap. Run away.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

^^^THIS. All of this.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

I stand corrected and revoke my previous statement. This guy is like my XW. She would drop little hints here and there that we we going to have sex. Or she would tell me if I'm good, but in the end nothing ever happened.......

Get out of this toxic relationship and start living. Ever day you are with him and subjected to this kind of behavior is another day that you could be free and happier.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Snowpine said:


> I don't think he's addicted to porn. He barely has any....maybe one video or two and he uses that as a way of sex every time.


"He barely has any" porn. I don't know what that means. I don't have ANY porn. Yet I have almost all porn that was ever shot any time in the history of the world available to me over the internet. 

That being said: he uses one or two videos as a way of sex EVERY TIME?

NEWSFLASH!!! No, he doesn't.

He has those two old BJ videos where you can see them. Make you think he uses those. NOBODY uses two blowjob videos EVERY NIGHT. No way. I know for a fact that is not true.

Try to pull up his browser history. See what kind of porn he's jacking to. If he is good at cleaning it or using private windows, you may need a key-logger. See what kind of porn he's pulling up. It will be an education, I guarantee it.

I want to take back all of those times I accuse an LD male of being gay. Maybe they weren't. This one IS!

I'll bet my inheritance on it.


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## DanOz123 (Oct 9, 2015)

Have you suggested seeing a counselor together? If you are both serious about making this work, it might help to talk to someone about this. 

Someone already posted this... You should also consider reading the book by Dr. Gary Chapman (The 5 Love Languages) and taking the online profile test to see what love languages you and your boyfriend likes to receive.

The good news is you are not married to him. Clearly some changes to need to occur for this to work in the long run.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My profuse apologies for your plight, but in all candor, I can unabashably say that if I were the BF or GF of someone who refused to "put out" within a three year timeframe, then let's just say that they certainly would have been relegated to a "my former squeeze" status, a very long time ago!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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