# Separated after 17 yrs together, 10 married



## Amanwithaplan (Nov 8, 2017)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is my story of the worst husband in the world.
I moved out of our house two months ago after she said she was done. I want her back badly but I know I have to change and am working on my issues currently through counseling, church, books etc. 
I cheated on her before we were married, once during marriage, hid drugs and alcohol and lied about everything. I didn't give her affection until it was too late. She came to me one night about a year ago and asked if I cared if she talked to a guy thousands of miles away and I said I didn't care. They developed feelings for each other and she doesn't want to stop talking to him. I really don't blame her for finding someone who would pay attention to her. I want to fight for our marriage as we have 10 and 6 year old daughters and I am willing to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage. She only wants to be friends but I'm afraid if I take that step it's all we will ever be. She won't go to counseling so I just don't know if there's anything to do other than move on. Our sex has always been amazing and we are best friends it has always been my selfishness that got in the way. Any advice will be appreciated.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Keep working on yourself. Because when you finialy realize shes done for good you will be better for your kids and the next woman at come along.

Thats all I got sorry its not much but I think its true.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You must balance the scale if you are to experience any success in winning her back. You neglected her, cheated on her, deceived her and whatever else you did not disclose. Think of what you must do to be as positive as you have been negative and then do it, times ten. Never falter, never waiver, never tire and never give up. If this sounds like too much then D her and let her move on.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Sounds to me like she has been checked out for a while.
You can’t change her....she obviously has somebody else taking up space in her head.....since you weren’t there for her.

You can however change you for the better whether you reconcile or you move on.
Eat healthy, work out, spend quality time with your girls and get some IC to explore where you went wrong and how you can rectify that for the future. 

Things may not work out between your wife and you but at least you will be better prepared for the future if you meet somebody new.....
Your negative emotional baggage will be left in the past.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If you begin to change she is going to think that you are only doing it to trick her to come back. What @NoChoice said is spot on. You have to change, not give up and even if she says she hates you and divorces you, you must keep up the changes.

When you are genuinely a new man, you will be a better man for the next woman. Sometimes it takes a divorce and freedom to convince an ex spouse that the changes are real. You might even get your wife to marry you a 2nd time, but don't hold your breath.


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## Amanwithaplan (Nov 8, 2017)

Thank you for the advice everybody! That was my first post since joining and I didn't know what to expect. My wife has been checked out for a couple of years. I am doing good as far as becoming a better man and I'm working very hard at it. When do you stop obsessing about her and the other man or her and future for real men?


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Amanwithaplan said:


> Thank you for the advice everybody! That was my first post since joining and I didn't know what to expect. My wife has been checked out for a couple of years. I am doing good as far as becoming a better man and I'm working very hard at it. When do you stop obsessing about her and the other man or her and future for real men?


Will go away the more you work on yourself.

Look at the 180. Don't do it thinking she will get back with you, it will come naturally if a connection is still there


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Let her run 1000 miles away but you keep the kids. File an emergency order preventing her from taking kids out of state. Do it before she moves.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

And forget her, she is gone. Do a better job on the next one. The second she asked for permission to 'talk' with someone else is when you showed her you really don't care. Big mistake. Don't do that if ever a next time.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

you guys are toast......wrap your head around it and move on BUT you must continue to fix yourself if you are to have any chance of future success


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

How are you doing? @Amanwithaplan 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Go no contact for 2 weeks then little contact. Agree with the break-up after the no contact period. Take it a step futher take the initiative to begin a divorce process "just a bluff for now" act sincere at least consult a lawyer but don't actually carry it out. Then be patient and wait a few days then get back in touch and test the waters. Whatever you do don't pursue reconciling this may get her attention and curiosity she may take the bait. She might come back to you and may reconsider and want to reconcile. 
Be patient keep testing the waters wait a few days maybe once a week keep testing the waters wait repeat. Do this for 3 months decide from there. Have a back up plan after that decide that you couldn't go thru the divorce as an escape goat that is if she didn't take the bait. 
But if you do this it's got to be top secret


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