# need 180 advice asap!!!



## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

I have started 180...i have posted story previously so wont go through it all again but we are just about on reasonable talking terms at moment..i have been doing 180 for a few weeks.

But..its her birthday friday...i was just going to give a card...i gave her a 'to my wife' mothers day card and she never put it up, but i then gave her an ordinary easter card which didnt say wife and just said 'from me to you with love' and she has put that one up..so im guessing its the wife bit she doesnt like!!??!!

what sort of birthday card should i get now!!????..ive found a really nice wife one..but is this backtracking on the 180???


help!!!!!!!!!!


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

So every year she gets three cards/gifts from you at this time of year? I'm no expert but I think a 180 of that behaviour would be to not get her anything, just say something nice and get on with your life. She doesn't think you've changed at all.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

hmm, yea thanks wrench, i was wondering that too...i think youre right...just seems abit mean...but i guess ive got to stick to it...i think i will just send an ordinary card
hope things are ok with you


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Being "mean" has helped around our house tremendously. She's already there and was just waiting for me to catch up. 

We are planning our seperate futures, hired an accountant and we're talking like grown-up's should. But when I slip from the 180 we take a few steps backwards, keep it up.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

After agonising over it all day ive decided to just send a text wishing her a happy birthday and leave it at that...its amazing im worrying about being mean not sending a card when she wont even let me see the kids when i want to :scratchhead:


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

When I started out my 180.. and found out about the affair .. it was my H and I's 15 year anniversary.

He sent me a text that said.. "happy anniversary" I sent one back that said, "yeah you too" nothing more nothing less....Showing him I acknowledged the day but really didn't care.

You have to seperate from her emotionally... no more cards.. no more little "i love yous" nothing.

You need to talk to an attorney about your visitation rights to the children. it is completely WRONG of her to hold the children from you. I would get it going now before she takes you to court and tells them that you haven't made an effort with the kids in X amount of months.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

Thanks Lilyana, a friend said to me that i should do what i feel in my heart.. but that would be the opposite of the 180, it would be a big love-filled card...but i know thats exactly what she doesnt want from me at the moment, if ever now..

But i do want to sepearate from her emotionally now so I think youre right, it will be a straight forward text message with no emotion

I am trying to to get some legal advice about it all at the moment as i am worried about what she may say...i think she has told her friends and family that i have moved out voluntarily and so I think they are supporting her thinking she has been left with the kids


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

ilovemywife7 said:


> i think she has told her friends and family that i have moved out voluntarily and so I think they are supporting her thinking she has been left with the kids


Then it's likely she'll say you never wanted split custody in the future, call a lawyer. My friend was in the same situation last year and we both were as confused as you, after he talked with a lawyer she settled right down and they wrote something up. Cover your ass!


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

well, sent a 'happy birthday!, have a great day' text in the end...

felt awful just sending that, but actually dont feel to bothered now...

she sent a 'thanks' back 5 min later...so went ok in the end...

I have 4 wife birthday cards on backseat of my car now if anyone needs one!..i couldnt decide which one to buy so bought them all in the end!!!

thanks for the 180 support guys..


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

ILMW7


I was going to send my W an email saying:

_Didn't think a card would be appropriate this time but would still like to wish you a happy birthday. Have a wonderful day.

Best Wishes_

Should I do this or just ignore it all together?

My W sent nothing on my birthday, but apparently agonised over that decision all day. 

Gammy


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

My wifes birthday is coming up this month too, as she made my birthday the worst day of my life by staying out all night for some other guys birthday (i couldn't make this up if i tried) possibly the OM. I'm not going to be giving her a card. She says we're done so why would she get a card? or a gift? Right? Honestly she's not getting one from her son either.....he's only a toddler, anything from him would be from me and we'd both know that. Single parents don't generally get sweet gifts from their very young children. If she doesn't like it....tough....i don't like her cheating or her ending of our marriage or her breaking up our family.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

Hi lostdad...i dont blame you for not sending anything in those circumstances

Gammy ..i think i would send nothing as she did not send you anything..i guess as wrench said a 180 is a complete opposite to what you would do normally

i was in situation that my birthday is not till later in year and i know that if i dont send anything at all she would just think i was being childish..so i think the text worked well as i have never not sent a card


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Text works OK. I think it's a good compromise for you. I don't send cards to anyone..I hate the damn things, so I wouldn't even be mulling this over. I think it stinks that your wife won't let you see the kids. Unless you are doing harm to them then you should be able to see them. It's bad not only for you but for the kids too not to have contact with their father. They have TWO parents!

I guess the closest situation with me was Valentine's Day. I didn't even acknowledge it and neither did he. Now he's taking me out for Mother's Day so I guess things have improved.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Had a re-think about this and decided f*&k her. 

I will send the kids a fiver between them to buy a card and a bag of sweets ( more than I got from them via her ) and that will have to do.

Hope they choke her:FIREdevil:

Gammy


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

i think she would be the first to agree that i am agood father to the kids..and they are missing me alot, every time i see them they are asking when i will come home and she gives me letters and cards they write saying how much they miss me...she just doesnt seem to care

she told me though she was going to be selfish and put herself first when i moved out and thinks that we will all be happier in the long run if we do this...but tbh it wasnt that bad before...its not like we ever rowed alot in front of the kids..they just cant understand it and nor can i...

She told me her plan was to basically 'wean' me of them and her, by limiting contact!..si i get to go over tuesday night and have them saturday

i still havent seen any real evidence for another man in her life, although i relalise its often the case and would explain this behaviour...


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

I think its best Gammy, hopefully it will show her that you are changing in your attitude towards her and the situation :smthumbup:


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

ok i need more advice!

I left house as wife demanded about 7 weeks ago.
There was no affairs or abuse...just alot of stress over recent years..which she is very angry about and blames me for
She stopped wearing rings and told everyone we now separated.
She is living in house that i am paying mortgage for.
I am also paying all credit cards debts.
She is just paying utility bills.
She is getting house finished to sell asap so she can move to rented accomodation...although some of the work she is doing is unnecesary for selling and it is taking a while
She only wants me to see children twice a week, one evening and on saturday.
A CAB advisor has told me this is unfair and i should seek financial and legal advice.
I dont think there is anyone else involved.
She is communicative and wants to be friends

I started doing the 180 about 3 weeks ago..it doesnt seem to be making much difference at the moment although she did suggest we go to my sons b'day party together today...i declined nd met her there

I have been advised to ask my wife to leave the house to rented accomodation, as she claims she wants to do anyway once house is sold, to allow me to move back in to finish the DIY and sell the house more quickly to pay of the debts

This would give me back some control over the situation with the house at least

I am worried this may push her further away..i would like us to get back together, but at the moment this just doesnt seem possible

however, i wonder if her current situation is just to comfortable,she is having fun with her friends and playing house, and if my taking the initiative would make her think twice??

any suggestions welcome!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wouldn't leave. 
She is the one with the problem, so why isn't she leaving.
I mean come on, you are pushing her away thats the whole point. 

Showing her the grass isn't greener on the other side and tough dicision and scrifices are made when one want to leave a marriage.

When one wants space it takes effort so let her make the effort.

I get it, you love her and you are making changes for your self (the 180) and you are affraid... well make that apart of your 180 and stop being afraid to push her away.

Again, why are you sacrificing when you want the marraige to work? Aren't you sacrificing enough by loosing your family? 

I'm sure the kids are the big factor her but she can watch them at YOUR HOUSE or something, I mean it tough but man but just to make the statement "I'm not leaving.... you are" says volumns. She has to do all the heavy lifting don't you think?

If she doesn't want the stress then she should stay committed to the promise she made years ago...infront of family, friends and a priest.


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## ilovemywife7 (Mar 6, 2011)

thanks for the reply and advice...its a hard decision...what you suggest is what friends and family are saying as well...they think if things get tough she is more likely to think twice about doing it

its hard to know whether to let her stay and hope she will 'see sense' which at the moment she is still adamant will not happen and she says we are finished as a family

or force the changes thats she says she is going to do anyway

for most of our 17 years together when things got tough she talked of leaving and having her own little house with just her...but she never had the confidence to do it..now with some friends and the kids she has the confidence to do it so i think its unlikley that she will change her mind now the way things are...she has convinced herself that every decision in her life was wrong and she blames me for that...

she is happy at the moment as she is centre of attention and has some spending money and has a vision of how it will all be for her in the future without the emotional complication of having me around...

my concern is that everytime i have tried to force a decision or make a change she has become more angry and determined to leave..i have only really just started the 180 approach so maybe i should give it more time?...they say you shouldnt beleieve anything that they say and only 50% of what they do...i wonder if actually when it comes to putting the house up for sale it may make her stop and think...but im not hopeful

im worried that i will make the wrong decision and destroy what last chance there might be, if any

but if i just wait and let her carry on i am paying a hefty mortgage, credit cards and she may still goahead with it anyway...:scratchhead:


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