# Getting parents to stay out of it



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I love my mom and dad to death; I really do. My kids and I are currently living with them while my boyfriend and I get the money together to get a place together. My parents are very joined at the hip, always together, each other's best friends. I mean this all literally - they even work together, and I mean together. Same company, both electricians, they work all the same jobs together. Their only break from each other is, as far as I can see, when they go to the bathroom, and even then, one or the other will often walk in and "hang out". This works great for them, and I'm happy for them that they have such a close, wonderful marriage. 

They like my boyfriend, or at least that's what they tell me. And they certainly seem to try to make him feel welcome, and talk to him and all. 

The problem I am having is that they seem to get irritated that my boyfriend and I are not like they are. Here's an example: I know my boyfriend. If he has a really bad day, he just wants to be left alone. He does not want to talk to anyone, see anyone, just wants to find a cave somewhere and hibernate for a while. He's a truck driver, temporarily driving a dump truck and the other day he had a power steering line and an air line blow at the same time. That day, he worked 14 hours, and only had 2 loads; he gets paid by the load. So, I knew he was going to be in a very bad mood and want to be left alone. So, even though I was worried about him, I left him alone rather than risk us arguing. I also knew that since I am his emergency contact, if something really bad had happened, someone would have called me. 

My parents got all bent out of shape that he didn't call me. And when I tried to explain the situation with him wanting to be left alone, they started going on and on about how we are a couple, and that's not how it should be; that he should talk to me, and let me make him feel better. 

We are happy with our relationship. We are comfortable with the way we interact and deal with each other. We don't feel the need to be "up each other's butt" all the time. And I have tried to explain this to my parents. But they seem to feel that since this is the kind of relationship THEY have, that I as their daughter should have one just like it. And that's not what I want. I want what I have, I am happy with my boyfriend. I don't feel cheated, slighted, ignored, or as though there is anything wrong with the way our relationship is. 

How do I get my parents to understand this? Or if not understand it, how do I at least get them to stop trying to force their feelings and ideas on how it should be on me? It's pushing me to want to move out and not have much of anything to do with them, and I don't want that. I love them, and my kids love them, and I really want my kids to have their grandparents. But not at the expense of having to constantly listen to them tell me how my relationship should be. Any advice?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Part of the problem is you stay with your folks so all the little things they see as minor irritations become big ones. Plus they care, its their way of saying they love you and worry that it may not be working out for you, even if it is. 

The only way to solve this is to get a place of your own. A future lesson of what not say and how to behave with your children when they grow up?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Did you talk to your parents about all this by yourself. If yes, it could make the difference if both you and your partner talked to them together, or alternatively he talk to them on his own and re-assure them that he is more than happy for you to leave well alone when he is feeling a bit stressed and that type of thing. 

It could be that they feel you are reading the situation wrongly and worry that you and your partner are not on the same page when in fact you are. Also can you draw their attention to other couples who are not in each other's pockets all the time but who are perfectly content in their relationship. Make sure they know that you respect the loving close relationship that they have but that for you living that way would probably be the start of the end of your relationship with your partner as you are just not wired that way. 

I really don't know how they can survive like that. I know that if both my husband and I are off work together at home for more than a week or so we are highly likely to have a falling out LOL. (Absence makes the heart grow fonder, familiarity breeds contempt!) You can have too much of a good thing IMO.

If they take no notice of you/your partner, maybe you have a sibling, aunt, uncle, family friend whom they will hear this from and take note. The third party could also explain how it is beginning to get you down and have potential for negetatively affecting your relationship with your parents.


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## IWantLove (Jun 20, 2009)

Oh, I can relate, atruckersgirl! My parents recently gave me a list of qualities that have kept their 35-year marriage going strong and said that those are things I need to look for. Sometimes people, especially parents who have been married for a long time, forget that different people have different needs both as individuals and in relationships.

My suggestion would be to continue to calmly and rationally explain what your needs are in your relationship and how they are being met. I agree with Advocado that having a third party involved *could* help. Is there someone both you and your parents are close to that could explain relationship differences?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If it were me I would show them the Myers-Briggs Personality Type quiz (there's one on our Affaircare: Quizzes page) and explain that *their* personalities work well with being together all the time, turning to each other for support, and talking everything out, but that YOUR personality or HIS personality works better with some time apart, turning inward for personal support, and being quiet for a while to get in a better frame of mind. On a very basic level, it sounds like they may be extroverts (who like to talk and share things externally) and your bf might be an introvert (who likes to be quiet and think internally). It also sounds like they think he is stuffing his issues or avoiding them, etc. and with the M-B personality type you can show them that he's not in avoidance, it's just the way his personality deals with his issues...and you are aware that's how his personality deals so you give him the freedom/space to deal with it the way that is natural to him. 

Make sense?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your answers. 

I am going to try as many of the suggestions here as I can, or need to, to get them to understand. I think I've also figured out what part of the problem is, too: my ex cheated on me, lied to me, treated me horribly, and has since abandoned the two sons we have. I think my parents felt this need to protect me and my sons, and now they feel that my boyfriend is kind of...stepping on their territory, if that makes sense? Like they feel left out, because my boyfriend and I and my sons have kind of essentially become a family.

My boyfriend and I are both kind of introverts, yes. It's not that we never talk to each other or other people about things, but we do both like to take a little time to think about things and kind of get our thoughts in order before we discuss them. My parents tend to have blowout arguments over things, while my boyfriend and I prefer to calm down and not argue, but instead discuss and resolve. 

Thanks so much.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Wow, truckersgirl, you have practically described my relationship with my wife! We, too, are introverts who like to analyze things before we act, and we give each other our space.
We, too, lived with the parents for awhile after I left the Army, and they also felt that our system of going to the cave to think was weird-especially my dad. He was not a cave dweller, he was more of a "come out swinging" type, and told me that I was just simply dodging the issues, or not taking things seriously enough. We had many discussions over this, some got heated, but I didn't cave-I patiently (God, that was hard!) stuck to my guns. Eventually, they came to realize that I wasn't like them, and that my and my wife's way worked great for us. So give them time and be patient with them-the way you let your man go to his cave shows you already understand the value of this. Before you know it, they'll come around.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Thanks, F-102. I think that's the point that I've gotten to with my parents, where we're going to have to have some heated discussions and it's going to be hard, but I'm going to have to stick to my guns. 

Now, they've started trying to get nosy into our finances. And while I understand that since my kids and I are currently living in their house and so to a point, they have the right to question our finances, I feel they're going well beyond the appropriate "how's your savings coming? when do you think you'll be ready to move?" type questions. And they seem to take issue with my allowing my boyfriend to take on a fatherly role with my sons - a role that my boyfriend and I have discussed him taking on, in depth, a role that my sons are very happy to have him in. If we are ok with it, then I don't see why my parents should have a problem. They claim to want to see my kids and I happy, but when it actually happens, they don't like it. 

My boyfriend thinks that they are trying to slip us all back into the typical parent/child roles with me living here, and that they feel the need to retain some kind of control over me. I, at first, disagreed, but now I'm beginning to think he may be right. They've gotten to the point where they expect me to account for my whereabouts to them continuously, and to assigning me "chores" to do, even though I already do quite a bit around here, without being asked. They also overstep with my children, stepping in and handling things that I should be handling, as their mother, before I have a chance, or more recently, talking over me as though I don't exist or matter. 

I think, even though this is stuff they are doing to us, that the problem is really me. I need to stand up to them, I need to assert myself as my children's mother and my boyfriend's girlfriend and demand that they respect those relationships and let me handle them as I see fit. I know they'll probably be upset with me, but the alternative is that I continue to feel like I'm slowly being driven insane and getting more and more depressed. And that's just not going to work.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Again, stick to your guns. Just sit them down and talk to them, in a calm, courteous manner, and tell them that if you want this all to work, there has to be some boundaries.
Yes, it is normal for them to assign the "kid" role to you-you could be sixty years old with grandkids of your own and they will still see you as their baby. I swore not to do that with our daughter (she's only ten), but come on: daddy's little girl! Maybe that is why they're acting so overprotective of you. Maybe they see that you have had a bad relationship before, and perhaps they see something in your BF that simply reminds them of the old guy. Naturally, they feel that they will soon be picking up the pieces.
And perhaps this is why they have an issue with your BF being what they see as "overly fatherly" towards your kids-they're probably terrified that he someday may not be in the picture. Personally, I think that they ought to be grateful that he is stepping up-lots of guys would have taken off a long time ago.

Or, and this is quite common, they feel that somehow they let you down in the past, they feel that maybe they weren't the best parents they could be, and they're compensating with your kids.

Again, be patient, and ASAP, move out! We moved out as soon as we got the chance, and yes, it was hard and fraught with much uncertainty, but we never regretted it,and ten-odd years later, we all have a great relationship.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Agree what works for your parents may not work for you. 
Understand your parents want what's best for you and may be protective of you. You will likely be the same way as much as you may think otherwise so try to cut them some slack. It would be nice for them to keep suggestions to themselves but, that sounds like it is not going to happen. 

If i am to understand that your husband did not call regarding his wherablouts after work then I side with your folks. He could have called explaining where he was and his timeline for coming home. That isn't being "up his butt" to let you know. That is called consideration. Perhaps your parents see an unconsiderate side that you don't see. Why would your wanting to know where he is and when he is going to be home be something that you fear: "don't want to start an argument over". 

Where was he by the way? If he had a tough day hopefully he was not spending the little money he made that day. Ultimately, if you want to escape the comments get your own place!! Dealing with other people regardless of the kind of day you had is a part of life. Especially, when your girlfriends parents are kind enough to let you live under their roof. There should be some respect for you and them in this regard. 

Personally, i would think your boyfriend may want to consider to learn how to be an electrician if your area can support it. That has always and likely will always be a relatively well-paying field. 

It will always be your parents desire that the man you are with treats you well. I know my wife's dad is very critical of me (more than my wife). Try and be mindful that above all this is what drives their motives. 

Good luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've probably figured this out for yourself, but this is why we leave home, establish ourselves, find a relationship, and then make our own family. You have your own reality and they have theirs. The problem is that you and your children must live in their reality. In short, the price for the economic advantage of living with your folks is that you get to listen to their piece of mind. They don't need to change their opinion. You need to change your address. 
Parents give advise. They love you and want you to be happy. They see what they perceive to be a problem and they are compelled to say what's on their mind. Doesn't mean they are right, just means they are parents. You'll do the same when your kids are grown. 
When you hear these stinging little comments, just smile and thank them and then stash a little more money in a box somewhere, advancing that blessed day you can finally move out and live life according to your reality. 
If it helps, just thank God you still have living parents who care about your well-being. Lots of people don't. We don't choose our parents, fate does. They aren't perfect but neither are you and none of us have to be. They love you and their grandkids and that's enough. If you want to avoid these little annoying gifts of their wisdom, you might just be very careful about the information you share with them. They don't need to know everything. You know their minds well enough to know how they'll react in advance. The only thing my parents know about my wife is that she's great and I love her. If she annoys me or disappoints me, they'll never hear about it. Parents are positions of action. Your kid comes to you expecting you to do something. You know this. Your kid cries, you change a diaper, feed it, cuddle it. You do something to fix the problem. You're still their baby and always will be. If you tell your parents about a problem, they are going to try to fix it. It's just who we are. Don't want us meddling, don't tell us about your problem. You can't hold junk in forever, so you really need your own place. You and your significant other can live your reality, they can live theirs and occasionally y'all can get together and wear happy faces, keeping things light for everyone. You're an adult. Your parents don't want to be in your business and they don't need to be in your business. They kinda don't have a choice if you're living in their house.


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