# Scheduling spontaneous sex



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I've always been the LD in the relationship. But in the last year it’s gotten so bad that something needs to be done.

The Backstory:

Ever since I married my wife, it was clear that I was extremely LD compared to my wife. My wife wanted sex every night but I was really only willing about twice per week. It was a serious point of contention for the first few years of our marriage. Add in a job loss, severe (and I mean SEVERE) depression leading to myriad other problems, my desire for sex dropped to about once per week. My wife stopped asking for sex as often.

After a cancer scare, my wife had about 50% of her ovaries removed, and her T level dropped like a rock. Ironically, the scare finally got me to pull my head out of my butt, and for about six months my drive got higher than it had ever been. Naturally, though, my wife wasn’t exactly in the most receptive position, and my drive eventually dropped back to its previous level.

I felt horribly guilty about denying her all that intimacy for such a long period, and wanted to make it up to her by increasing frequency even though by that point I operating more from guilt than desire. And when my wife was in the mood, I wasn’t.

Now here we are, 12 years married, four kids (two with various behavioral issues, a baby and a teenager) and the homework and activities that each of them have, her in a stressful job and I attempting to start a new career, we barely have time to talk to each other much less have regular sex. Neither of us initiate much anymore because we’re either too tired to ask or the other is too tired to give. I think we’ve had sex around eight times in the past year. And again it’s driven a wedge between us.

This is something we both understand and are working on. We’re trying to spend more time together away from the kids, amongst other things. We both know that we “want-to-want” more sex than we do at the moment. We’ve talked about trying to schedule sex again, but are afraid that—like before—sex will become something to check off the to-do list than an expression of love and intimacy.

So I bring our plight to the TAM community. Does anyone have any methods or systems to increase the frequency of sex without making it seem like an obligation to either partner?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I need to be first to respond, just based on your avatar.

I think this is fixable. You both recognize the issue and you both want to fix it, but you don't know how. Just having both of you on board to want to fix it is more than half the battle.

Would you say (for either of you) that you just don't have the internal drive, or would you say it's more of a matter that you're actively turned OFF from the other?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thank you for opening up Dr. Rockstar. It is good for people to hear from an LD man because it is always assumed that all men are raving horn dogs, but that is just not true. Men and women can be either high or low drive.

I'm HD and for myself, scheduling sex doesn't make it any more or less fun! It just makes it more likely to happen! Many times we schedule it in the morning for later that evening and it works out great.

"Have a great day!" (Kiss, hug)

"You too...and hey, sex tonight?"

"It's a plan, can't wait."


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Agreed. Scheduling sex is a great way to take the pressure off both people who find it hard to initiate for whatever reason. As far as the spontaneity--yeah it's not spontaneous that it's going to happen, but what you do DURING can still be spontaneous. Take the initiative to try something new that your partner isn't expecting (use your brain whether it's something that might offend them) and there's your spontaneity.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you two enjoy sex when you do have it? 

Maybe instead of scheduling _sex_, you could schedule "couple time" instead. The goal would be for you to carve out time in your schedules to just chill and relax together and reconnect, with or without sex. It sounds like you need that anyway since you barely have time to talk to each other. Without the pressure of scheduled sex, but with time _available_ if you end up in the mood, you might end up increasing your frequency.


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## Hammond_B3 (Oct 31, 2014)

Scheduling a passionate evening can be very sexy by building anticipation. Make a game of it. Be playful. Send texts and emails about what your planning to do to her. Tease each other. My wife and I do this all the time. Quite often this turns out even better than spontaneous sex.


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## AlphaTrophyHusband (Nov 25, 2014)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> I've always been the LD in the relationship. But in the last year it’s gotten so bad that something needs to be done.
> 
> The Backstory:
> 
> ...


Many people who don't "feel" a need will have increased desire from an increase in activity. So I'd find a way to schedule it and make it sexy and fun. Sex doesn't have to be a long drawn out 1 hrs event every time, it can be a 10-15 minutes sex session where both people are pleased.

Find new ways to make each other feel good, doesn't always have to mean penetration.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

There is nothing wrong with scheduling sex. That's the only kind of sex we have because my husband has to give himself a shot to perform. He has more stamina in the mornings so Saturday and Sunday mornings we have scheduled sex. 

Saturday night make a point to spend some time together maybe after the kids go to sleep.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

norajane said:


> Do you two enjoy sex when you do have it?
> 
> Maybe instead of scheduling _sex_, you could schedule "couple time" instead. The goal would be for you to carve out time in your schedules to just chill and relax together and reconnect, with or without sex. It sounds like you need that anyway since you barely have time to talk to each other. Without the pressure of scheduled sex, but with time _available_ if you end up in the mood, you might end up increasing your frequency.


Totally agree with this post. I would increase the together time before trying scheduled sex. Snuggle on the couch in the evening and watch a movie, just relax together to start with.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I thought I wouldn't like scheduled sex or it would feel forced. However my experience was opposite. I had something to look forward to and could use the day to get warmed up to it. 

In a situation where you have a HD/LD I don't think it is uncommon for the HD partner to have to spend more time talking themselves out of the mood. Over time this takes a toll where you stop wanting sex from your partner. 

After this happens (I'm not saying it did in your case but it has happened in mine) it is very challenging to just turn it on. Spontaneous sex is worse after this point because it is a complete cold start and is uncomfortable. 

The scheduling (as long as there is follow through) provides a lead in.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

I thought I would respond because in order to actually match my HD hubby, I had to start scheduling sex with him since at the time, I was LD. 

What it did for me was to add anticipation to the day it was scheduled for. I knew I had agreed to it, but the big thing was getting myself "in the mood" for it.

Well, it started off as 2 days a week scheduled. Then that went to 2 days scheduled with 2 days set aside for BJ's. Now? Spontaneous sex can happen 'cause I learned how to get myself "in the mood" to match my HD hubby.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I personally feel like scheduled sex is forced and it doesnt become exciting for me. But sometimes when me or my H are feeling horny, we will say "lets have sex" or "lets have sex this afternoon" for example if we are busy. But I know couples who schedule their weekly sex like "sex on tuesday, thursday, and saturday night" and that just strikes me as odd. That's just me tho!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I thought I wouldn't like scheduled sex or it would feel forced. However my experience was opposite. I had something to look forward to and could use the day to get warmed up to it.
> 
> In a situation where you have a HD/LD I don't think it is uncommon for the HD partner to have to spend more time talking themselves out of the mood. Over time this takes a toll where you stop wanting sex from your partner.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

As a HD person, I often have to tone down my drive, and have spent lots of time conditioning myself not to get into the mood. It helps me not be so upset about less sex, but also causes it to be very hard to enjoy sex from a cold start. 

I enjoy scheduling it. I can look forward to it, without fearing rejection. It gives me time to get warmed up. Of course, if you schedule it, and then still get rejected, it's soul crushing. So be careful.

I say go for it! You may find yourself looking forward to your "date" nights.

ETA: As faithful wife, it doesn't have to be planned months in advanced. Even just mentioning it in the morning, or maybe planning it for the upcoming weekend, will help some.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

We schedule dinner every night. Some nights, dinner is awful, yet we both KNOW we're going to have dinner together the next night, and that it's likely to be better. We could simply say "meh, I'll grab a burger on the way home", but we think it's better to eat dinner together instead. Indeed, I think there's more of an incentive to make the dinner taste better when you have time to think about what to cook in advance.

Sometimes, one of us isn't all that hungry. We still sit down at the table together and enjoy a meal, because that's what we do at dinner time.

I like having dinner with her. I like it even more knowing that I can EXPECT to have dinner with her.


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