# First I was angry, then I thought about it



## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

So my wife asks me yesterday if I minded her going away with my daughter and a family friend for 4 days up to a farm in Virginia this coming weekend. My first reaction was anger because I had asked her to plan a trip for our anniversary 2 weeks ago and she never did.

But then I thought about it...this coming Friday is the 1 year anniversary of her mom's death. She feels as though a change of scenery might help her get through the weekend w/o drinking herself into oblivion. Also, she actually said that she wants to get her chit together after this as it's been a year and it's time for her to move on! :smthumbup:

She would be spending 4 days on a farm with NO electricity, barely any cell phone reception, no A/C, and she would have to WORK feeding the animals as would my daughter. They'll have to get up before sunrise and will likely be in bed at sundown. Considering they're both spoiled ROTTEN I think it will be a wonderful eye opener for both of them.

One caveat, the family friend is male. He was down and out a few years ago and stayed with us for almost a year to try and get back on his feet. He now has a great job, his own place, and is doing well. I'm not jealous at ALL by nature, I'm quite confident in the fact that I treat my wife VERY well. If she thinks she can find more happiness elsewhere, by all means there's the door! In fact if I found out that she had cheated on me with him, I would probably laugh all the way to the attorney's office.  I don't believe he would do that to me anyway as we are friends.

I also started thinking of all the things I would get accomplished w/o her this weekend as well as all the different places I've been asked by friends to go to. While we go out often on the weekends (I play in a band), we usually only get to 1-2 places that she prefers. I on the other hand, get bored easily and like to galavant all over if I'm not playing. 

I think the time apart is going to be wonderful for us, or at least for me. 

What do you guys think? How would you react?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Joe, I don't like it at all, but that's me. My wife with another man, over night, no communication, no electric, while she is trying to get over a depressing event. Why not with me??? This comforting event should shared with me, not another man. That slope is too slippery for me. 

I can understand your mind set that if she cheats, she cheats and there's nothing you can do about it. But I wouldn't be party to to her being in a situation where something could happen. I know my wife wouldn't either and she'd be disappointed if I'd allowed it. Those are our boundaries. I'm not jealous, I'm protective. 

Hope she finds peace with her Mom's passing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And why aren't you invited to go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Its a great idea ... if you go too.

If she doesnt want you going, you have bigger problems than you think.

Not suggesting shes cheating, but what is clear if she doesnt want you around ... Is that she doent want you around...


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Joe, I don't like it at all, but that's me. My wife with another man, over night, no communication, no electric, while she is trying to get over a depressing event. Why not with me??? This comforting event should shared with me, not another man. That slope is too slippery for me.
> 
> I can understand your mind set that if she cheats, she cheats and there's nothing you can do about it. But I wouldn't be party to to her being in a situation where something could happen. I know my wife wouldn't either and she'd be disappointed if I'd allowed it. Those are our boundaries. I'm not jealous, I'm protective.
> 
> Hope she finds peace with her Mom's passing.


My daughter will be there as well, the other part of this that I forgot to mention is that my wife wants to get her away from her stupid boyfriend for a while. Daughter is 17 and has been dating this LOSER for well over a year now. He's lazy, selfish, and needy, they fight constantly, and nothing would make us happier than to see her move on. My wife thinks a change of scenery would do her some good as well and I agree.

Point taken to being a party to something happening, but where do you draw the line with this mindset? I'm not home all day and she is, if they had something going on they could very easily pull it off while I was at work anyway. Same goes for when my band is playing, I'm so absorbed in entertaining the crowd that they could be in the parking lot doing whatever and I'd never know.

If my daughter wasn't going, I'd have to voice opposition, even though I wouldn't be worried about it, it wouldn't look good for me to condone it. This would be a boundary as you stated.

Thanks for the kind words about her mom, they were very close. Watching her succumb to lung cancer was very tough to watch.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> And why aren't you invited to go?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Deejo said:


> Its a great idea ... if you go too.
> 
> If she doesnt want you going, you have bigger problems than you think.
> 
> Not suggesting shes cheating, but what is clear if she doesnt want you around ... Is that she doent want you around...


She absolutely did invite me right off the bat, I declined. My band has a show Friday night and I have a big meeting at work on Tuesday morning, it wouldn't be worth it for the little time I'd be able to spend there especially since they're driving up and it's 14+ hours each way.

If she had specifically stated she didn't want me to go, red flags would go up all over!!!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Did she know you couldn't go when she asked?

Regardless, why is HE going at all? She wouldn't plan a trip with you, but she plans a trip with him when you can't go? Hello?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

The first time you let a Fox into your henhouse, you not only train the Fox, you train the Hens.

You are sending a clear message to her, regardless of what she intends.


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

I would relish the time alone and be thrilled that my wife and daughter were getting a chance to bond. As for the family friend, sounds like a non-issue; there's no sneakiness and the daughter is there.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Drover said:


> Did she know you couldn't go when she asked?
> 
> Regardless, why is HE going at all? She wouldn't plan a trip with you, but she plans a trip with him when you can't go? Hello?


She suggested waiting until after my show on Friday night to go but she didn't know about my Tuesday meeting so I don't think there's ulterior motives involved.

It's his friend that owns the farm, he was the one going up in the first place. He asked if anyone in our family wanted to go with him.

The part about not planning a trip with me DID piss me off at first and I let her know it too. At first she started making excuses but then apologized for not planning anything. It was right after that when she burst into tears and told me she wanted a change of scenery this weekend because of the anniversary of her mom's death.

Hmm, now that I typed that I wonder if the water works were cued?


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> The first time you let a Fox into your henhouse, you not only train the Fox, you train the Hens.
> 
> You are sending a clear message to her, regardless of what she intends.


If the hen and the fox got together, I would laugh my way all the way to the courthouse as stated.

Remember this guy LIVED with us for a year. The shenanigans would've happened already. I also don't believe she finds him attractive, he's shorter than her (which she doesn't like) and is way too needy. She has also tried repeatedly to hook him up with her friends and recently divorced cousin, the latter is still in the works and just might work out.

I'm at a crossroads in my relationship, it needs to either improve dramatically or go away. Either is acceptable to me at this point.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> She suggested waiting until after my show on Friday night to go but she didn't know about my Tuesday meeting so I don't think there's ulterior motives involved.
> 
> It's his friend that owns the farm, he was the one going up in the first place. He asked if anyone in our family wanted to go with him.
> 
> ...


That was my first thought. Does she use emotion to get what she wants? My wife's reaction would have been to use anger, but that's her M.O. 

Here's the thing. Even if this trip is innocent, your wife is emotionally fragile right now. Your relationship is on rocky ground. He's a single male. Etc, etc, etc.

No way I'm letting this happen.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

MooseAndSquirrel said:


> I would relish the time alone and be thrilled that my wife and daughter were getting a chance to bond. As for the family friend, sounds like a non-issue; there's no sneakiness and the daughter is there.


After my initial anger, this was the mindset I took, I'm actually looking forward to the time alone and hopeful that my daughter and wife will enjoy their time together. 

My daughter being there is kinda mandatory, I wouldn't be happy if it were just him and my wife. I trust them, but it just doesn't look good IMO.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Drover said:


> That was my first thought. Does she use emotion to get what she wants? My wife's reaction would have been to use anger, but that's her M.O.
> 
> Here's the thing. Even if this trip is innocent, your wife is emotionally fragile right now. Your relationship is on rocky ground. He's a single male. Etc, etc, etc.
> 
> No way I'm letting this happen.


I do see your point Drover. She occasionally will use her emotions as a tool but not often. In this case, she literally burst out crying so she'd be up for an academy award if it were faked.

As I said, I'm content for my relationship to go one way or the other but it needs to go SOMEWHERE other than its current state. This could be a shove in either direction and that's ok with me.

I'm curious if she's actually going to go or not. We were talking about it and I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of those two spoiled princesses getting up at dawn to do physical labor all day. I told her exactly that and I started to see apprehension in her face. 

I've talked to a couple of my buddies this morning and they're psyched to hang out with me this weekend. She doesn't ever begrudge me hanging out with my friends, but I tend to spend weekends with her more often than not, most likely for the prospect of sex.  That being said, it will do me good to spend some time with the boys and I kinda hope she does in fact go.

This might sound awfully selfish but I don't relish the idea of spending the weekend with her while she's depressed over her mom. I know she will drink herself stupid and while that will guarantee me sex, it's not healthy for her and our relationship.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> I do see your point Drover. She occasionally will use her emotions as a tool but not often. In this case, she literally burst out crying so she'd be up for an academy award if it were faked.


It doesn't have to be "faked" for her to use it as a tool.



> As I said, I'm content for my relationship to go one way or the other but it needs to go SOMEWHERE other than its current state. This could be a shove in either direction and that's ok with me.


Sounds like you've decided. You should know that this could be a test, either consciously or subconsciously. She could be looking to see whether you're willing to make a sacrifice? Or whether you;re willing to fight for her? Or, more likely, whether you;re willing to step up and tell her she can't go?



> This might sound awfully selfish but I don't relish the idea of spending the weekend with her while she's depressed over her mom. I know she will drink herself stupid and while that will guarantee me sex, it's not healthy for her and our relationship.


She might need you to listen right now. She might just need you to be there right now. I don't get why you wouldn't feel the need to be there with her while she gets sloppy drunk and grieves? Forget the sex, she's hurting. 

And it sounds like if you're not there to hold her and listen while she gets sloppy drunk and grieves, your friend is.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

JRS,

I was in a similar situation several years ago. My wife and I were in a strange place and she was under a lot of stress and a good friend of mine, with my permission, invited her to go down to Florida with him and some friends for a few nights. They would have separate rooms, etc. I was 25 so I agreed.

Nothing happened on the trip, but it turned out this guy had major feelings for her and I found out about them later after he flat out told her he loved her and she panicked having not realized this at all. In hindsight, I was totally blind or in denial, but the warning signs were crazy.

I would be very wary about allowing my vulnerable wife to be in this situation with a man who is a "friend." One thing I know for sure is that "friends" are only friends until they have a chance to sleep with your wife. Humans are humans and vulnerable wives should not be put in these kinds of situations. Plus, apparently she likes a drink and we all know what happens when a few drinks are involved.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Drover said:


> Sounds like you've decided. You should know that this could be a test, either consciously or subconsciously. She could be looking to see whether you're willing to make a sacrifice? Or whether you;re willing to fight for her? Or, more likely, whether you;re willing to step up and tell her she can't go?


I addressed this by outright telling her that at first I was against the idea, then explained why I thought it would be a good experience for both her and my daughter.



Drover said:


> She might need you to listen right now. She might just need you to be there right now. I don't get why you wouldn't feel the need to be there with her while she gets sloppy drunk and grieves? Forget the sex, she's hurting.
> 
> And it sounds like if you're not there to hold her and listen while she gets sloppy drunk and grieves, your friend is.


Ouch.  She has been grieving for 4 long years, starting with the day her mom got diagnosed. I have listened. I have hugged her while she cried on my shoulder more times than I could possibly count. I drove her mom to MRI's and PET scans when my wife couldn't handle it. I spent weeks helping take care of her mom both in my home and then sleeping on a crappy couch next to her bed in hospice. I have literally carried my wife home after she got wasted in hopes of escaping her pain. I handled 95% of the funeral arrangements because she was too distraught. In fact, more than one person commented to her at the wake and funeral that she was blessed to have such a caring husband.

I also did most of the above and MORE when her brother passed away. I can't imagine what more I could do to prove to her that I'm there for her and honestly, I don't feel obligated to try, I know I've done the right thing when the chips were down. Not beating my chest, just reiterating that I HAVE been there for her all along.

Prior to this whole trip idea, we discussed the upcoming anniversary in depth. She knows I planned to be there for her and we also discussed having our friends around us to help keep her mind off things. I was fully prepared to play grief counselor all weekend.

I get where you're coming from and how you could construe your assessment from what I wrote. I do believe however that you're off base, she knows I would absolutely be there for her this weekend and planned to. I never once let on that I wasn't looking forward to it in any way either.

As far as her friend, he's less emotionally stable than she is, he's useless in these scenarios and typically runs for the hills at the first sign of emotion. He is definitely NOT the person she turns to when she wants to vent or grieve, it's usually me or her (female) cousin who she's close with. This I know with 100% certainty.

Not wanting to deal with her grief this weekend was definitely selfish on my part as stated. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it anyway.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Well it's all moot, my daughter recently started a new job and was put on the schedule to work Monday & Tuesday so they're not going.

My wife did not even bring up the option of going without my daughter when we spoke just now. That tells me there wasn't any intention of foul play and/or she respected my belief that it was inappropriate and I'm happy about that either way.

Kinda have mixed emotions though, I was in fact looking forward to the time apart. But, especially based on the majority consensus here, it's probably for the best.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

JoeRockStar said:


> So my wife asks me yesterday if I minded her going away with my daughter and a family friend for 4 days up to a farm in Virginia this coming weekend. My first reaction was anger because I had asked her to plan a trip for our anniversary 2 weeks ago and she never did.
> 
> But then I thought about it...this coming Friday is the 1 year anniversary of her mom's death. She feels as though a change of scenery might help her get through the weekend w/o drinking herself into oblivion. Also, she actually said that she wants to get her chit together after this as it's been a year and it's time for her to move on! :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


No way. It just doesn't happen. If it did she'd no need to come back to collect her things as she'd be taking them with her.


Goodness. Your wife treats you like crap while she's going through stuff and then you push her into the arms of another man.

Believe me. He is no friend of yours whatsoever.

WAKE UP!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

JoeRockStar said:


> Well it's all moot, my daughter recently started a new job and was put on the schedule to work Monday & Tuesday so they're not going.
> 
> My wife did not even bring up the option of going without my daughter when we spoke just now. That tells me there wasn't any intention of foul play and/or she respected my belief that it was inappropriate and I'm happy about that either way.


It's also entirely possible she never had any intention of going and was just waiting for you to sack up and tell her "no".


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I would trust your wife, but i wouldn't trust another man, not even a best friend, we've all heard of many stories about the friend(wolf in sheep skin) swoop down and steal the wife out of nowhere.

My answer would be a firm and resounding No.......or i get to tag along playing c*ck block if anything is set to take place


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