# And let the Christmas drama commence....



## peacem

Background...been married 22 years. My SIL has never accepted me since we announced our engagement. She basically walks past me in the street, refuses to talk to me at FGs, started a smear campaign about my family, refused any invitations to our house. She ruined my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, my daughters Christening. I have offered her many olive branches over the years but she stubbornly insists '...I have pulled her brother away from her' (She actually has many traits of BPD with huge issues around abandonment. Other family members agree that she is 'not quite right' and have witnessed unreasonable behaviour towards me). 

So we get an angry call from MIL (who is in complete denial about her daughters behaviour). SIL is wanting to have a family Christmas at her house and we *have* to be there. It was said in a very aggressive manner. She basically said I needed to let bygones be bygones and just get on with it for a day. My H said 'no' we will not be having Christmas at her house because its too many things have happened over the years for us to just play happy families.

MIL went CRAZY angry. Emotional blackmail, threatening him, blaming me for everything, accusing him of 'cutting himself off from family'. Whenever he started speaking to her she just shouted over the top of him. She said it was 'hurting her' that they cannot spend Christmas together, he said 'it hurt him the way she treats us both', she shouted '...I am hurting more!'

She put the phone down by passively aggressively saying 'well happy new year then' (meaning she didn't want to see us over Christmas if we don't go to SIL).

He contacted his other sister who was totally sympathetic to us and got it but didn't have any helpful advice.

I am trying to persuade H to go to his sisters for a few hours with the children and I will stay at home (but MIL says I have to be there). He is refusing more because of the way he was asked (demanded). BTW he hasn't even had an invitation from his sister yet...so it may be that she doesn't even want him there. 

What would you do?
TYx


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## jorgegene

i'm all for families being together and reconciling. i've seen too many families break up over money or other things.

BUT. when they project an attitude like that, who needs them. Your plan is not a bad one. also, your husbands position is understandable too.

if they're going to be butt heads, then let them be on butt heads on their own.

continue to offer olive branches over the months, years, but don't play their juvenile game.


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## Rowan

It occurs to me that your SIL may have learned some of her less charming habits from her mother....

It seems that neither she nor your MIL are capable of mature behavior that might be in the best interests of family unity. I, personally, do not react well to demands, blackmail, or manipulation, so I would simply not go to SIL's for Christmas even if asked. I'm too old to put up with that much stupid. If your husband wants to go and deal with it, that's on him. Just make sure he understands and supports your choice to refrain from entering the drama-laden fray.


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## As'laDain

Stick with your husband on this one. 

Never try to appease people who wont treat you with common decency. 

My mother and my wife had a falling out for a while. My mother tried getting me to scheme behind my wifes back, deliberatly lie to her, etc. I basically told my mother that i dont need that kind of attitude in my life, and whoever wants to bring it into my life can go pound sand elswhere, including her. 

She later tried to get me to send my daughter down to them to spend time with her. I told her that i would be happy to do so, just as soon as she calls my wife to arrange it. 

A year later she finally did. She has since been polite and has stopped trying to drive a wedge between us.


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## Openminded

I say all of you stay away from the crazy. 

(I had a similar MIL and SIL and that's what I did for decades.)


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## Laurentium

peacem said:


> My SIL ... *refuses to talk to me at FGs*
> 
> ....
> BTW he hasn't even had an invitation from his sister yet...so it may be that she doesn't even want him there.
> 
> What would you do?


Me? Based on what you've said here, I'd go, if invited. Maybe she's not going to speak to me anyway. 
But that's just me. I'm not saying it's the "right" answer.


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## peacem

Laurentium said:


> Me? Based on what you've said here, I'd go, if invited. Maybe she's not going to speak to me anyway.
> But that's just me. I'm not saying it's the "right" answer.


She definitely won't speak to me. If she wants me there it will be to find fault or to make me feel uncomfortable (eye rolling, staring at my shoes with disgust - she has a weird thing about my footwear :grin2. TBH I don't think she does want me there but MIL wants to make me out to be the bad person when I don't turn up. 

I have fared worse.....


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## NickyT

This is your husband's family, so it is his choice to make. For your own sanity, stay out of it. If he does not want to go, then your life just became easier.


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> Background...been married 22 years. My SIL has never accepted me since we announced our engagement. She basically walks past me in the street, refuses to talk to me at FGs, started a smear campaign about my family, refused any invitations to our house. She ruined my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, my daughters Christening. I have offered her many olive branches over the years but she stubbornly insists '...I have pulled her brother away from her' (She actually has many traits of BPD with huge issues around abandonment. Other family members agree that she is 'not quite right' and have witnessed unreasonable behaviour towards me).
> 
> So we get an angry call from MIL (who is in complete denial about her daughters behaviour). SIL is wanting to have a family Christmas at her house and we *have* to be there. It was said in a very aggressive manner. She basically said I needed to let bygones be bygones and just get on with it for a day. My H said 'no' we will not be having Christmas at her house because its too many things have happened over the years for us to just play happy families.
> 
> MIL went CRAZY angry. Emotional blackmail, threatening him, blaming me for everything, accusing him of 'cutting himself off from family'. Whenever he started speaking to her she just shouted over the top of him. She said it was 'hurting her' that they cannot spend Christmas together, he said 'it hurt him the way she treats us both', she shouted '...I am hurting more!'
> 
> She put the phone down by passively aggressively saying 'well happy new year then' (meaning she didn't want to see us over Christmas if we don't go to SIL).
> 
> He contacted his other sister who was totally sympathetic to us and got it but didn't have any helpful advice.
> 
> I am trying to persuade H to go to his sisters for a few hours with the children and I will stay at home (but MIL says I have to be there). He is refusing more because of the way he was asked (demanded). BTW he hasn't even had an invitation from his sister yet...so it may be that she doesn't even want him there.
> 
> What would you do?
> TYx


Well done to your husband for standing up to his controlling and manipulative family. So many men just wont do this,so please don't encourage him to go there, have a great time away from that toxic atmosphere. After what has happened I would have stopped seeing them ages ago. Do not let her ruin any more family times. 
Tell your husband how pleased you are that he stands up to them and supports you, he is a rare breed.


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## Married but Happy

Fortunately, your husband has your back, so don't go. If he didn't support you, in your (awful) shoes, I'd probably go and "accidentally" spill cranberry sauce or red wine all over SIL, MIL, and the carpet if they said/did anything unpleasant. If someone thinks I'm an a-hole and treats me that way, I'm happy to prove them right!


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## peacem

Sort of good news. (Lovely) BIL just emailed to say that H should do whatever he sees fit and he will visit us for an afternoon on another day. He said he knows what's what and not to worry about the drama.

Somehow knowing you have allies among the crazy makes things seem a lot better. 

Thanks for you input. I appreciate it. x


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## turnera

When DD27 was growing up, we usually took our vacation the week of Christmas and went skiing. Every year. So we didn't have to do the sh*tty dysfunctional family crap. Worked like a champ.


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> Sort of good news. (Lovely) BIL just emailed to say that H should do whatever he sees fit and he will visit us for an afternoon on another day. He said he knows what's what and not to worry about the drama.
> 
> Somehow knowing you have allies among the crazy makes things seem a lot better.
> 
> Thanks for you input. I appreciate it. x


How do they cope with her?


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## peacem

Diana7 said:


> How do they cope with her?


They moved to the other side of the country and have had their own problems. They visit 3 x a year for 2 hours tops. We meet secretly with them because MIL does not like her children getting together outside her control. So we have shared things if that makes sense. :smile2:


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## frusdil

You are so lucky that your husband has your back with this...that is SO rare.

Don't go, I don't go to family things with the inlaws. They've treated me like crud for far too long and I'm simply not prepared to put up with it any longer. My husband used to go, but even he has stopped, lol.


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## MrsHolland

I would have cut her off when she ruined your wedding day. What a nasty piece of work she must be.

Wishing your family a very happy and peaceful Holiday Season


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> They moved to the other side of the country and have had their own problems. They visit 3 x a year for 2 hours tops. We meet secretly with them because MIL does not like her children getting together outside her control. So we have shared things if that makes sense. :smile2:


Is this something you could think of doing, moving right away? Is the toxic SIL married?
It sounds as if she has inherited her mothers manipulative and controlling behaviour.


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## WilliamM

I never take my wife anywhere I feel she is not happily welcomed. If I think Mary would be uncomfortable, I skip it. The only company I have ever needed is hers.

There were a few years before my mother realized how serious I was about requiring her civility toward Mary that I would only allow my parents to see our children by meeting us in store parking lots to exchange the children, when I would let the children go visit.

What is interesting is my mother would try to influence the children to see Mary in a poor light regarding all this. They thought it was odd, from what I could tell. I do know they have said since they grew up, about the age of teenagers and older, that their grandma seems a lot different than before. All I can do is laugh.


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## Diana7

WilliamM said:


> I never take my wife anywhere I feel she is not happily welcomed. If I think Mary would be uncomfortable, I skip it. The only company I have ever needed is hers.
> 
> There were a few years before my mother realized how serious I was about requiring her civility toward Mary that I would only allow my parents to see our children by meeting us in store parking lots to exchange the children.
> 
> What is interesting is my mother would try to influence the children to see Mary in a poor light regarding all this. They thought it was odd, from what I could tell. I do know they have said since they grew up, about the age of teenagers and older, that their grandma seems a lot different than before. All I can do is laugh.


I would be the same. If any family member of mine was rude or unkind to my husband in anyway there would be no more contact. 
I just don't get this stuff. I love my Son In Law and Daughter in law, we get on so well, and as for my children visiting we are so laid back about it. If they want to come they come, they have no pressure to be with us at Christmas or any other time. In fact I tell them that they must never feel they must do this or that because we are very relaxed about it.


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## Satya

peacem said:


> What would you do?
> TYx


I'd have an amazing and memorable Christmas and New Years with my husband, 100% drama-Llama and harpy free.


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## Magnesium

peacem said:


> Background...been married 22 years. My SIL has never accepted me since we announced our engagement. She basically walks past me in the street, refuses to talk to me at FGs, started a smear campaign about my family, refused any invitations to our house. She ruined my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, my daughters Christening. I have offered her many olive branches over the years but she stubbornly insists '...I have pulled her brother away from her' (She actually has many traits of BPD with huge issues around abandonment. Other family members agree that she is 'not quite right' and have witnessed unreasonable behaviour towards me).
> 
> So we get an angry call from MIL (who is in complete denial about her daughters behaviour). SIL is wanting to have a family Christmas at her house and we *have* to be there. It was said in a very aggressive manner. She basically said I needed to let bygones be bygones and just get on with it for a day. My H said 'no' we will not be having Christmas at her house because its too many things have happened over the years for us to just play happy families.
> 
> MIL went CRAZY angry. Emotional blackmail, threatening him, blaming me for everything, accusing him of 'cutting himself off from family'. Whenever he started speaking to her she just shouted over the top of him. She said it was 'hurting her' that they cannot spend Christmas together, he said 'it hurt him the way she treats us both', she shouted '...I am hurting more!'
> 
> She put the phone down by passively aggressively saying 'well happy new year then' (meaning she didn't want to see us over Christmas if we don't go to SIL).
> 
> He contacted his other sister who was totally sympathetic to us and got it but didn't have any helpful advice.
> 
> *I am trying to persuade H to go to his sisters for a few hours with the children and I will stay at home (but MIL says I have to be there). *He is refusing more because of the way he was asked (demanded). BTW he hasn't even had an invitation from his sister yet...so it may be that she doesn't even want him there.
> 
> What would you do?
> TYx



Why? Cut these crazy people out of your life and enjoy the peace and quiet. It is no wonder your SIL behaves that way if her mother is just as bad.


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## sh987

peacem said:


> They moved to the other side of the country and have had their own problems. They visit 3 x a year for 2 hours tops. We meet secretly with them because MIL does not like her children getting together outside her control. So we have shared things if that makes sense. :smile2:


That's one right out of my mother's playbook. She always preferred if all conversation between me, my brother, wife, and SIL all funneled through her as the central conduit. It then became a matter of "Well, she said this about you...", or "your brother thinks..." and so on, and feelings were hurt all over the place.


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## VibrantWings

I have to agree with the majority on this one: Skip the drama and have a wonderful holiday with the people that actually love you


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## chillymorn69

Sounds like mil and sil are cut from the same mold. 

I would avoid both at all costs! 

I know it's his mom but you can't fix crazy!


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