# Help needed



## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Well here is my story,

My wife and I have been together since school and married for 17years me 41 her 40!

We have had some troubles in the past but have been able to sort them out 
I always felt my wife was the most honest person I have known basically she was very moralistic couldnt tell a lie and cheating etc was definatley not on until now..
I have been working away on a 2week on and 1 week off arrangement for the last 3 years to try and earn some extra dollars as we desperatley need the money as the bank was forclosing on the house.

During this time things were not so good between us she said she wanted to work on things I agreed and was looking at not working away anymore.

This was in July 2014 during this time we were working on things until I could come home permanantley
Then DDAY arrived 30th of sept 14 I caught her talking to her boss on the phone i didnt quite get the whole conversation but it didnt seem to be a conversation to be having with her boss.

So i confronted her it took almost an hour to get the truth out of her with alot of crying and begging on her part.

From what i have been told from her it seems it was an emotional affair with some kissing involved.

I was devastated and still am but she has done nothing but blame me for her wrongs and absolutley everything is my fault apparently my 3 years of working away has broke her. BROKE being her choice word for our marriage.

We have a daughter aged 6 she does not want to reconcile says she is so badly hurt and broken by me that she wants to move on build her own life and own future.She is not with the boss but says she still has feelings for him which she needs to sort out.

He transfered to a differnt state

I have done everything i shouldnt have done begged pleaded cried and her attitude is the same. familiar story on here i guess!
She says the usual i need time and lots of it to sort my self out and she beleives i need the same.

I have tried NC but didnt stick to it its hard when you have kids.
Everytime i impossed it her demeanor changed from being in control to not being in control.

I am now limiting calls and keeping it strictly on a needs basis about financials bills kids etc nothing more
She says im being horrible mean and nasty for doing this.

I told her what i wanted and that was our marriage she refuses counselling etc even for her own individual self

She wants her cake and eat it too she says stuff like i love you but not in love with you
You will always be a huge part of my life
You are still my best friend
Im not going anywhere I will always be here for you
But i want seperation and space time to breathe etc etc 
We are now going down the road of selling our home.
She still wants to play happy families and have family time and socialise with our friends 
Most of our friends know we are seperated and the reasons why as i told them because she wouldnt tell anyone she cheated. She doesnt acknowledge it as cheating either
She says she hates the house we built 3 years ago and doesnt want it

So i guess what im asking you guys is do I ditch her and run or do i try and fix things bit hard when she doesnt want too
I do still love her and decided I could forgive the affair 
but everytime i think we might have some connections she tears me down again and i cant keeping doing it emotionally

Im starting to think give her what she has asked for and she can live her life the way she wants.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

She's gone. It's hard, but you have to let her go. 180 time (what I now realize is what some people mean by "NC"). Wives fall out of love with their husbands ALL THE TIME. People don't get it (wait 'till you see the responses you get). She will never love you again. It's a horrible thing to have to come to terms with. The love of your life. Your EVERYTHING. And she doesn't even like you any more.

Let her go and live your life. She is nothing to you any more.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detach from her, and improve yourself. You found out that you can't make her do anything, or think anything. The situation is, your in a relationship with no one.

You have low esteem. Work on that first, and detach. Your wife is not this great person, and she keeps flinging justifications at you, plus she blames you for her weakness, and bad choices. A real adult owns their own issues, and faults. She is blaming you for weakness that she could not be strong enough to weather the financial storm, she was not strong enough to seek your help before she cheated, she was not strong enough to be honest, and she is not strong enough to face herself.

Start working out, take control of your life, seek help with your own issues, and own them. Learn to accept them, and know that you can improve on them. Start protecting yourself and separate from her. Go hang out with friends, and focus the extra energy on you and your daughter. Learn to be content as an individual and accept that you have value that someone else will cherish. Start the divorce papers and serve her, and get out of the limbo that you are in. The divorce papers might snap her out of the mindset she is in. Yu can't count on that though. Find ways to improve your life, and take the goals to become successful. Your goal is to be fine whether she is in your life or not, and your happiness is not dictated by just one person.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well thats pretty much a classic script.
You have read here.
You know what you need to do.
180 VERY hard.
Dont even talk with her unless it deals directly with your daughter.
Give her a tatse of what it will be like to be on her own.
Thats basically your only chance.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

I'm off the same mind frame that the other responsders hold. Let her go and move on with your life. I say this based on my own experience so I'm probably a bit bias as well. 

I think it would be hard to find anything to tip the scales back to an even keel. I believe the advice of others to work on yourself, issues and your wants/needs should come to head in a quick way. 

Do YOU.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I hate to say it and i'm sure you already know it but this is more than just kissing with the boss, while you have been slaving your guts out for her and the family she was with him in a physical relationship spending the money you earned while you continued to work hard for all of you, from what i'm reading there would seem to be no way back she seems to be stupidly making herself available in the chance of him swooping her up or who ever else she has her eye on, i could be wrong but basing my thoughts on my experiences and from others here


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

robo1 said:


> Well here is my story,
> 
> From what i have been told from her it seems it was an emotional affair with some kissing involved.
> 
> ...


You mentioned that she only has an emotional affair with some kissing involved with her boss. I'm a career woman and have seen louts like your wife in the working environment. She is 40 years old and a mother. They've had many sexual encounters and most likely the reason why the company moved him out of state for reasons to avoid sexual harassment charges in the workplace. Their affair is known in the workplace and probably has been reported to human resources. 

She does not want to reconcile and says that she is so badly broken by you as the betrayed husband. Is she mentally challenged?

Give her what she wants. Get a divorce attorney and protect yourself. Your wife is a "man eater". You're only 41 years old. You can give yourself a better life.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> They've had many sexual encounters and most likely the reason why the company moved him out of state for reasons to avoid sexual harassment charges in the workplace. Their affair is known in the workplace and probably has been reported to human resources.


No doubt. Good stuff.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi.

I strongly urge you to read this - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...tial-divorce-custody-battle.html#post11119602 

Best wishes!


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

update!!!
advised her via text im seperating all of our finances... within the week!! got a reply back saying Lets not be nasty please as by this time we wont have everything sorted.
I replied basically im not being nasty im moving forward and it needs to be done. 
She then said we can discuss everything when i return home then asked if i could send and email giving my permission to start the process of selling properties so we can move forward.

didnt send it

any more advise?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Your properties, her properties or both of yours?

They need to be fully evaluated before any permission to sell is given.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

robo1 said:


> any more advise?



Ya. Stop tipping your hand. Don't tell, do. What was the reason for telling her? To get a reaction? To make yourself feel better? You made it ineffective by warning her. Don't be surprised is your joint accounts are empty when you return.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

robo1 said:


> Im starting to think give her what she has asked for and she can live her life the way she wants.


^ ^ ^

THIS. Yes, give her what she asked for so she can continue her affair. Rest assured, just because Boss Man moved out of state does not mean "it's over."

She's given you all the classic cheater speech. "I love you but I'm not IN love with you." "I need space." "We will always be friends." "You will always be a huge part of my life." etc.

You're in the "friend zone" my friend. The boss is in her pants.

Dump her. Move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a lawyer? You need to do that before you start selling anything.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to see a divorce lawyer to deal with her demands on what is legal in your state. Stop letting her dictate as to how your assets should be divided. Do not discuss anything with her. As I read your posts, she is trying to lead you to where she wants you to go. Do not be her follower. You need to disengage from her hold. She is a master manipulator.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies everyone as you all know it's very hard to see clearly at this point in time but all your comments are logical and make sense 

I'll keep you posted


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is the boss married? If so, tell his wife.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

I don't know what NC and 180 mean so I'm probably missing something important.

I feel for OP b/c being with his long time sweetheart and now in mid life, with a child, things going sour. My husband's ex wife, who was his HS sweetheart and after a 12 year marriage, decided she no longer wanted the relationship. Fortunately no kids and an amicable split. 

The wife doesn't want therapy but maybe OP would consider it, if finances permit. It might help to think things through and get an objective perspective and feel supported.

Good luck with a really tough situation.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

I'm sorry for you. I don't doubt this is all very difficult emotionally. you're getting good advice here, without exception. you need to confide about all this to someone...family or friend. don't isolate yourself. make absolutely no effort to 'cover' for her when you do. i.e. don't leave out the part about her cheating. one more thing once all this is over - divorce, custody etc. - DO NOT be her friend. have as little to do with her as possible......


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

kindnessrules said:


> I don't know what NC and 180 mean so I'm probably missing something important.


NC = No Contact

The "180" is this set of "rules" to help one disengage from an unhealthy relationship and start a path to their own healing:

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady needs to understand....well lets say she needs to be told "that your best friend just stabbed you in the back".

She also needs to be told that your intent is not to be nasty or an @ss whole, but the fact is...."that your best friend just stabbed you in the back"

Acknowledge her feels and recognize that she feels like she is being treated nasty...but "your best friend just stabbed you in the back".


This is not a court of law...she is guilty of sleeping around until she can prove other wise.....see what she says to that!

Your old ladies 1st step to save this marriage is listen to you....so if she wants to stick around she better start looking for a counselor.

It's that simple....all the bull crap and nastiness could easiy be less if she took this first step.

Her second step is getting A STD test.

If you really want to drive the point home you tell her you will being DNA testing the kids.

The kids are your kids...this is not the point....the point is her current behavior has doubted everything in the marriage so now you are doubting your wife.....

Plus it really drives it home when you question the father of her kids. If this doesn't show her how seriously this has phucked you up nothing will.

At the end of the day all this stuff me and these other fine folks are writing about are the consequences she needs to face to show you how remorseful she is.

From were I'm sitting your old lady has zero remorse and very little respect for the marriage, but at the very least you can have one more talk about the heavy lifting your old lady needs to do to rebuild the trust of her best friend!


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

another update!

So after a couple of days has gone by and i told my spouse i was seperating finances and i havent heard from her and I was starting to implement my 180 my spouse rang this morning it started of pleasant then she went right off the handle saying her usual rubbish about me being nasty and unfair and that she thinks we need to get lawyers etc.

I kept calm throughout this and agreed and thought it was a good idea.
She wants to delay the seperation of finances until the end of january or till the house we both live in is sold.
She says she is worried ill stuff up the finances which i have done in the past partly the reason why we are in this mess. ( but this automatically raises my suspicions as we are both on holidays in a couple of weeks and she has mentioned she would like to have a good xmas and holiday period mainly for our daughter) go figure coz im not looking forward to it at all.And basically we are holidaying seperatley.

Anyway i ended the phone call as we started to trudge through all the usual stuff and getting nowhere fast. There was even a threat that she would not allow me to take my daughter on vaction with me for a few days.
She called back shortly after and i shouldnt of answered i know but i said to her that if she wanted compromises from me then i needed things from her. My condition was that we attend counselling together something she has refused point blank since DDAY on the 30 of sept2014.and wouldnt even entertain the idea at all.Anyhow she sent me a text to say we are booked in for counselling on the 23rd of decmeber that is the week i return home from work! she booked it in and organised it.
Im very wary now and have a lack of trust and not expecting much out of this at all.I think maybe she will attend once so she can get what she wants or maybe with not much hope its a small start?

what do you think?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You should be wary...it's a compromise...What will she want in return?

I suggest make the best use of this oppertunity.
So lets start planing...have your wife email you an agenda...you mail her an agenda....and forward both agendas to the counselor.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW you did a great job.....I think she likes the new you...a calm confident guy that won't get his buttons pushed and is decisive!

I regress she may not like you but she respects you......now!


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

I suggest make the best use of this oppertunity.
So lets start planing...have your wife email you an agenda...you mail her an agenda....and forward both agendas to the counselor. 

the guy 
thanks for the support and advice good idea then i guess i know what expectations there are in advance


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why on Earth are you two going to MC at this stage? It's a waste of money and time. Batten down the hatches, get an attorney and prepare for the storm that is almost there!


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

robo1 said:


> I think maybe she will attend once so she can get what she wants or maybe with not much hope its a small start?
> 
> what do you think?


I think what you said was correct. She wants the therapist to agree with her. She wants justification for destroying her family.

She is as done as you can get. Of that I have little doubt.

Oh, yeah. Call the ex boss's wife. She needs to know what's going on as well. It may even blow up her little fantasy with him.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Advice please?
A few weeks ago wife and I were talking and she told me that she missed me and still had feelings for me it was difficult for her to say and took a bit for her to spit it out
Previous to this it was she felt dead with me and ILYBNILWU etc
My problem is I feel I have made huge mistakes and implemented NC and 180 perhaps when I shouldn't have and I wasn't consistent with it anyway
I think I've misjudged her and this doesn't work on her! It just pisses her off and resent me for it
We have had some real nasty moments since then but I've been able to rebuild to where we are talking again

She rings me nearly everyday and I think we both find it hard and probably I think she does miss me or it's habit, 
I always try and let her initiate contact

She rang a couple of days ago and said we need to talk
She said I need you to understand where I'm at.
She said I'm so close to breaking point I'm lost I don't know who I am anymore I'm angry with you for the past I've lost trust in you and I feel so much guilt for what I've done.i need this seperation to clear my head I want the house sold because I hate it and it just reminds me of unhappiness .
She also said if you keep doing what you are doing you will push me so far away I will never want to come back to you (NC 180) ouch!

She has a 40th birthday party in a few days planned and paid for before DDay.
I said I wouldn't attend she is devastated and really wants me to go
I don't know if I should
All our mutual friends are invited and they know we are seperated so it's not like she is trying to cover up our split
She had booked a 2 bed accomodation for the evening 1 couple in 1 room and her in another and said to sleep there I said where would I sleep she said in a bed!!!
Not sure if she meant her bed or not. We are in seperate rooms ATM
Also Xmas day she has booked at a resort restaurant for herself my 6 yr old daughter and they are booked in a room for that night as well she is desperate for me to attend that as well

Anyone got any ideas how I should carry myself or what might be going on
Your help is appreciated


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

We are still booked for MC really worried about this as people told me it can be disastrous. Also just a thought has any one had the partner back out of seperation divorce selling assets etc at the last minute.
My wife and I have not known anything different than living with each other since we were 16 and 17 granted I'm away for 2 weeks at a time though for work but hence the constant phone calls I guess


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Is other man completely out of the picture now? how serious is she wanting you back or if at all? do you want her back? if so then you can attend these things but have set ground rules if mc is for proper reconciliation then start relationship again but with clear ground rules and boundaries but maybe possible to still have the papers /d day as a back up? but this will still let you celebrate these family events and Christmas together


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> Advice please?
> A few weeks ago wife and I were talking and she told me that she missed me and still had feelings for me it was difficult for her to say and took a bit for her to spit it out
> Previous to this it was she felt dead with me and ILYBNILWU etc
> My problem is I feel I have made huge mistakes and implemented NC and 180 perhaps when I shouldn't have and I wasn't consistent with it anyway
> ...


You have to address the lack of time you're able to spend with her, due to your job etc. But at the same time you should not take the blame for her cheating actions. That part is NOT on you. I would keep up the 180 and work through MC.

Read up on what others have experienced in MC and you'll get an idea of what works and what doesn't. Any therapist that rugsweeps will not help your situation.

You need to figure out what you are willing to tolerate. If you don't know by now ILYBNILWU is code for cheating. Like you, I thought my ex was the most honest and moral person in the world. She said she had feelings for someone and mean while it was a full blown affair that lasted more than 2 years. Cheaters never give the full details and they minimize. My point is don't rugsweep or you'll just end up going in circles or even worse limbo.

You mentioned you two worked through something. What was that? From your post it seems that she is trying to act like everything is normal. She wants her bday and doesn't want people to know there are problems. You said it yourself, this is cake eating. Sleeping in separate beds is not normal. She booked a vacation hoping to rugsweep. Stand up for yourself and again figure out what you are willing to tolerate. Good luck.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> We are still booked for MC really worried about this as people told me it can be disastrous. Also just a thought has any one had the partner back out of seperation divorce selling assets etc at the last minute.
> My wife and I have not known anything different than living with each other since we were 16 and 17 granted I'm away for 2 weeks at a time though for work but hence the constant phone calls I guess


I was with my ex since highschool as well. You being away didn't give her license to cheat.

Yes, it happens. People back out of a divorce in the last minute. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Read up on false R to know the signs.

Another thing NC is possible with a child. I had two when I went NC. You just do your thing and she does her own.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

Your soon-to-be ex-wife is playing you like a fiddle.

Early on you lost your testicles and told her you wanted counseling, etc.

Knowing this, she is exploiting this weakness you demonstrated early on to put you off-guard now. 

Without a doubt, she already has had or soon will have meetings with divorce attorneys who will advise her exactly what to do to maximize her financial position.

All the while here you are sitting with your thumb up your ass thinking to yourself "she wants me back! she wants me back! praise jesus, she wants me back!" 

You're about to get an ass-reaming the likes of which even a 4" flexible PVC colonoscopy tube can't provide if you don't wise up, real fast, and get yourself to an attorney and protect your interests.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

So another emotional heart to heart occurred via phone the other night!She is back to her usual crap again,

Decided on my way back home yesterday I am being played by the manipulating *****! So here is what I have done.Have stopped all my salary payments going into joint accounts and opened my own personal account removed all wedding photos etc of her and I as a happy couple from the house,anytime she tries to engage in conversation I calmly say I have nothing left to say to you
A birthday card she had for me with her rubbish written on it and a token picture of our daughter inside went in the bin. I kept the picture.
I am not attending her birthday party!
I am also not attending Xmas lunch

Anything else I should be doing?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

robo1 said:


> So another emotional heart to heart occurred via phone the other night!She is back to her usual crap again,
> 
> Decided on my way back home yesterday I am being played by the manipulating *****! So here is what I have done.Have stopped all my salary payments going into joint accounts and opened my own personal account removed all wedding photos etc of her and I as a happy couple from the house,anytime she tries to engage in conversation I calmly say I have nothing left to say to you
> A birthday card she had for me with her rubbish written on it and a token picture of our daughter inside went in the bin. I kept the picture.
> ...


Just getting on with your life. Enjoy it if you can. Life is unfair, she will have a hard time, but a 41 year old in shape man with a reasonable job is a catch (if you are not in shape, work on that for its own sake).


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

This was what she wrote in the card

I just wanted to say you know important you are to me.
You are a massive part of my life
I wouldn't change it for the world
I hope we can focus on mending ourselves and our future is 
brighter and happier
Who knows what's around the corner
Sorry for all your pain as I never wanted to hurt you
I will always love you a and be here if you need anything

Meanwhile house is on the market and she is determined not to continue the marriage and build her own life for herself


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I do not see any point on working on the relationship, and mc will most likely fail. What has really changed. She is still this angry, resentful, and manipulative person. Imagine bringing up past grievances with a person like that. If she was really serious about getting back together, she would seek a psychologist, and start the process of working on her underlying issues. Going to mc, with an emotionally walled off person will get you nowhere. Also, you sounded beaten down when you were with her, so keep detaching, and seek help how you have gotten that way. 

I personally believe that she wants you there for a facade that things are better than they are. That your not that angry at her. If you are still mixed up emotionally, you would probably feel awkward there. For your sanity, I would not go. The less you see and interact with her, the faster you can detach. Then you will get a clearer picture.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I do not see any point on working on the relationship, and mc will most likely fail. What has really changed. She is still this angry, resentful, and manipulative person. Imagine bringing up past grievances with a person like that. If she was really serious about getting back together, she would seek a psychologist, and start the process of working on her underlying issues. Going to mc, with an emotionally walled off person will get you nowhere. Also, you sounded beaten down when you were with her, so keep detaching, and seek help how you have gotten that way.
> 
> I personally believe that she wants you there for a facade that things are better than they are. That your not that angry at her. If you are still mixed up emotionally, you would probably feel awkward there. For your sanity, I would not go. The less you see and interact with her, the faster you can detach. Then you will get a clearer picture.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

I think you are right the less I see her the better for me


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Latest update
So I was implementing my NC and 180 difficult to do living in the same house but was going well I basically gave her nothing emotionally and was going out and spending quality time with my daughter.
Anytime she was engaging in conversation I basically re informed there was nothing left to talk about and I was moving on.

This drove her crazy! Literally! She cried till she couldn't cry anymore she grabbed onto me and not letting me go we wrestled she wouldn't let me leave my room but I held strong and played though love.every time I told her to let go she begged and pleaded.i ended up leaving the house.
I came back later that day she left a sorry note trying to make me feel guilty and informed me she had gone to stay at our friends house.

Next day I went out and didn't return till later that evening she was back home looked like she had been crying in her room most of the day.
But I still held strong and went to my room and bed.
Later that night she has approached me in my room when I was asleep we had sex which she solely instigated, I think this was a big mistake have I given in too early?
She has changed her tune on a few things we went to counselling it went ok! She is open to trying to fix our marriage and work on things she has told me that she is still in love with me something she has refuted through this whole ordeal

She is still lost and confused but I can see some of those walls she has put up coming down.

As for OM !! She said this is something she needs to sort how she plans to do this I have no idea.

The sale of our home has also been put off.

I have my own defences up now and am not sure if I should bring them down or wait to see what happens!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You became more attractive to her, because your stronger now. Strength and confidence are attractive qualities that most women want. Sex may have been a bad idea, but keep detached and keep your emotional distance. It is too early. Also make sure she sees her own individual counselor to help deal with er issues. Keep making plans, working out, and become more of the person you want. If she wants you back, she has to work hard for it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, do you really believe her when she says it only went as far as "kissing" ? Here on TAM, we know that to be cheater speak for "we had sex". If she did have sex with her boss, would that be a deal breaker for you ?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You became more attractive to her, because your stronger now. Strength and confidence are attractive qualities that most women want. Sex may have been a bad idea, but keep detached and keep your emotional distance. It is too early. Also make sure she sees her own individual counselor to help deal with er issues. Keep making plans, working out, and become more of the person you want. If she wants you back, she has to work hard for it.


:iagree:

And to add...your W appears to have over played here hand with you and did not expect the response or lack of response from you. In short, you took control and directed the narrative. Her narrative was derailed. Keep it up. Do not falter now. Keep your resolve.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> OP, do you really believe her when she says it only went as far as "kissing" ? Here on TAM, we know that to be cheater speak for "we had sex". If she did have sex with her boss, would that be a deal breaker for you ?


This needs to be addressed. It appears you did not really go into what had occurred with the boss. Until you do, you will be wondering and it will bother you. What do you know about the relationship? What if any of it would cause you to walk from the marriage? Other than grappling with you on the floor not to go what remorse has your W expressed? Thus far the separation has been placed on you for simply working to provide for your family.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

I'm certain that no sexual relationship has occurred! It's more emotional involvement.how she deals with this I'm not really sure.
She said she doesn't know how I can forgive her.
She said if it was the other way round she couldn't
She is also worried that I will throw it back in her face in the future.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is 40 years old! I'm a woman. No sex and just kissing? She demonstrated how she can rope you back in by having sex with you when you are in the process of divorcing. I speculate that she used the same wiles to her boss to get what she wanted in the workplace. She's quite a siren. You're back again into the roller coaster. She will cheat again and blame it on you. You will sink lower and lower and gradually lose your mind.

You took your house back from the market. Your realtor must be having a cow after all the work of preparation to put your house in the marketplace. This is what your wife wanted, although she told you at first that she hated this house. Her boss did not want her and no financial support forthcoming on his part. He transferred to another state; either because his company found his affair and avoided workplace harassment charges or he got away from your wife. She will be financially strapped without you. She falls right back to you.

You don't need a marriage counselor, but a clinical psychologist for you to get your head straight. Your wife is playing you well with her fiddle. If you wish to dance to her tune then she is the woman for you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

robo1 said:


> I'm certain that no sexual relationship has occurred! It's more emotional involvement.how she deals with this I'm not really sure.
> She said she doesn't know how I can forgive her.
> She said if it was the other way round she couldn't
> She is also worried that I will throw it back in her face in the future.


Yes, but how can you be so certain? If kissing took place, why not more? Because she said so? Really?

And if this not dealt with properly, you are going to have a hard time forgiving her and reconciling. Do not rug sweep - you need to get to the truth about what really happened and may still be happening.

She is not showing real remorse for what she did - just for being caught. She doesn't want to lose control over you.

She has to understand that lies will eventually destroy the both of you. She has to come clean with the onus on her for proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is telling the truth. If there is doubt, there is no doubt!

Do not undo the good work you have done so far. Stay strong and true to yourself.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

robo1 said:


> I'm certain that no sexual relationship has occurred! It's more emotional involvement.how she deals with this I'm not really sure.
> She said she doesn't know how I can forgive her.
> She said if it was the other way round she couldn't
> She is also worried that I will throw it back in her face in the future.


This sounds decent of her. I find this very worrying. She is putting forward that you should not expect her to care and forgive you as much as you would forgive and care for her. That is bollocks. If that is the status, tell her to stuff it. This is about your future relationship.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

She "just kissed" her boss, who she works with? Many chances there. She has to "work out" what she is doing about the OM? How about she exposes to OMs wife or gf, then quits her job if she want to stay married. If not, throw this one back in the cesspool.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

So big stuff up on my part
Had sex because she came over all desperate! And I fell for it. Went with her on Xmas day because I felt guilty for my daughter but we had a great day ended up back in the room she had booked but she played the games said seperate beds! She wasn't interested in talking etc so I said I was leaving to go home and did. I went to another state 2 days after to see family for new year etc and took my daughter.10 days away in total she rang me every day and I answered and gave her what she wanted! Fool I know! She went to another state for new year 4 days in total with her uncle who is over from overseas! I know she had contact with OM who lives in this state! I came back home she picked me up from the airport I had a cold response, 

She had expectations of me going with her and the uncle sightseeing the next day and I conformed 
We had sex a couple of times within a 2 day period but she had all the power and I pushed it. The last time we had sex she got what she needed cried and said I don't feel anything for you and I was left high and dry.

I am so emotionally screwed by her I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore, my doc has prescribed anti depressants now
Something I never wanted, but my pain is extreme and I'm struggling emotionally .
I am now back away working before I left I told her that I think we need some no contact time which she agreed too! It's only been 1 day and she rang twice I didn't answer
I'm not very well either found out I have some medical problems
which she knows about.
I want her back but her walls are not coming down and I feel like ****

I'm determined now for no contact to work! I'm sick and tired of her cake eating and told her such! My issue is now my daughter?
Because I work away to speak to her means ringing WW!

I'm thinking that my option is I will only have contact with my daughter when I have her and as dealing with WW causes contact
that makes the pain unbearable again!


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Robot 1, 

IMO you need to ask your self what do you want? to make and informed decision you need to know all the facts, duration, if she badmothed you, sex stuff (cheaters lie alot, and minimize, a kiss may be a BJ...), etc.

Then you need to ask her what does she want? At this point i bet she doesnt know as she may be in the fog and feeling stil in love with OM, thats why you need to expose. to show her that OM is willing to trowher under the bus any time to save his sorry ass. She needs to see Om as he really is, not the idealized perfect man she feels/thinks at this moment.

I dont know if you alredy answered this but, have you exposed to OM family, if ther is any OMW.

Until you two define what you want with all information, you are going to be in limbo. the worst part of indefinition is what you are teaching your children by being wreaked and depressed.

Good luck


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

You need to be strong. Limbo will be hell. You need to separate to break the dependency long enough for you to think properly. Right now your body wants her and this is natural. Get off the antidepressants and lock yourself in a room and go no contact. Take the time to figure out if this is the kind of partner you want. You deserve that and it is not at all selfish to do this.

Either way (R or Divorce) you'll need to throw away your marriage to get through this. I mean this literally.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Suspecting2014 said:


> Robot 1,
> 
> IMO you need to ask your self what do you want? to make and informed decision you need to know all the facts, duration, if she badmothed you, sex stuff (cheaters lie alot, and minimize, a kiss may be a BJ...), etc.
> 
> ...


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

So I'm on my 4th day of NC with WW!
She rang twice yesterday but I didn't answer
I'm away working ATM and not due to return home till next the following Friday 
I'm determined not to have any contact but it will be inevitable when I return home
I'm hoping that this time of NC will make me stronger and get my thoughts and emotions a bit more together before facing her again
Does anyone have any advice for when I return home on how I should deal with her?
Minimal contact is what I had in mind and being away from the house a lot also
Also is it ok to text her to ask to get my 6 yr old daughter to call me when I'm away
I usually do this every second day or so!
The problem with it is I think she puts the phone on speaker so she can hear the conversation


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Talk to your daughter on speaker phone. If your WW listens, so what?

You are doing the right thing by going NC. The bottom line at the moment is that you want to save your relationship more than wife does. NeedinessRus is not the store she wants to shop in.

Her choice at the moment is StrangeRhim. A new penis, a new man telling her she is cool, special, deserving, that's what she wants.

Maybe if you man up and dump her, she'll change her mind... But it's her heart that you want.

Stop affirming her. Stop being PlanBrUs


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> Does anyone have any advice for when I return home on how I should deal with her?


Very minimal contact. Interactions should be short, brief and to the point. Don't pay any attention to what she does. She'll probably try to get your attention with some kind of dramatics. Try not to care and try not to show it. Have a plan of what you want to do when you get home. Any projects that need to be completed? Anything need to be fixed at home? Go out with friends or spend some alone time with your kid.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

I think the reason I'm so indecisive is that within 3 months of finding out about her ea she has moved from being adamant the marriage was over and she was moving on wasn't in love with me etc . 
And now she is open to MC stopped the sale of our house we had our first MC session just before Xmas .
We have engaged sexually and emotionally and after I gave her a bit of tough love and she thought she had lost me she then said she was in love with me.
But she is still in the fog and still has some contact with OM and says it could never work with OM but has feelings for him

From what she has said OM has told her to go back to her family

Am I being to impatient and not giving her enough space and time to get her head straight?
I decided do do NC for me and her as well I guess 
She says she doesn't want to make any decisions about anything until we have done more MC
I told her contact with OM needs to stop otherwise there is no hope!
She said we will discuss it in the next counselling session

Meanwhile I've been working on myself and have lost a lot of weight and am looking good 

It does feel like she has all the power and she has really


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> From what she has said OM has told her to go back to her family
> 
> Am I being to impatient and not giving her enough space and time to get her head straight?
> 
> ...



You are the fall back, the second option, the safe bet...sorry to say

You are not being impatient. She either commits or doesn't. Her being in limbo means she would run back to the OM given the opportunity

More MC means she is just stalling. She's probably trying to figure out how to keep the OM. She only stopped the EA/PA because the OM did and because you showed tough love.

She does have all the power because you keep running back to her with sex.

Read up on false R and see what it looks like. Many of us have been through it.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Just had a text from WW asking for a favour! She wants me to ask my mother to babysit our daughter tonight as she wishes to take her uncle out on the town 
Decided not even going to respond
We are in NC
She can't commit 
Doesn't know who she is in love with
Is a cheater and thinks nothing of it
A cake eater
And then wants a favour??

Forget it I say


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

robo1 said:


> she wants me to ask my mother to babysit our daughter tonight as she wishes to take her uncle out on the town


right.....


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

robo,
it's time to take charge of this.
she is cake eatting.
file for D and keep up the 180.
send her a txt and inform her that from now on all contact about kid or D is threw email or txt.
tell her you are done being disrespect by her.you are not her plan b.
then go dark.

no more mc.
she needs to start ic.

she is in the fog and waiting for her boss to give her the green light.
I think her boss is giving her cold feet cause he got what he wanted (pa) and is throwing her under the bus.

also if you haven't yet expose to everyone, family -friends, that she is cheating on you .
that will put a lot of stress on her.if boss is married contact his wife and let her know.

btw if your wife comes back asking again for another chance,you need to give her a list of things she has to do before you even concider to think about it.she must and feel consequences for what she has done.

robo,stay strong and good luck.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

robo1 said:


> Just had a text from WW asking for a favour! She wants me to ask my mother to babysit our daughter tonight as she wishes to take her boyfriend out on the town


Fify.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Thanks myturn,
I agree the cake eating is going to stop
Actually decided everything is going to stop!!


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> Thanks myturn,
> I agree the cake eating is going to stop
> Actually decided everything is going to stop!!


You're ahead of the game! If you can keep us posted on your progress.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Oh how the cake eater has turned during no contact
It's been only 4 days I have ignored any contact from her!
The only contact I have text and asked for is to speak to my daughter!
I'm working away ATM !

Got call this morning 9am didn't answer
Text message st8 after u still blocking me?
No reply on my part!

Phone rings ! It's WW at 7 pm didn't answer


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Text messages after this was can u call me?
My response was. Why?


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Once divorce is filed just start your parenting schedule and get it on paper. While she is all hot for her boyfriend is the time to maximize the time you get with your kids. Judges love to see engaged dads.

My divorce from my cheater is final Feb 13. My day is literally MY day. The days with my daughter are literally my daughters days. Not even fully separated yet but it kind of works to do the schedule now.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

She replied cause!
Next text was what does this mean we are over coz u r ignoring me

Next text was. Hello!

Next text was! Can u call or have u got the ****s with me

Next 1 was are u stupid being stupid.this is not going to fix us?


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Next text all being in the space of minutes!
Why r u being stupid this won't fix us!
Next 1 was
Why r u not answering? Have u decided our marriage is over?

Next 1 was) I'm confused! I thought u wanted us to get back together but now u have pushed me away


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Well what a roller coaster ride it has been since my last post!
Months have gone by i returned home from working away we agreed to reconcile and try again.I insisted all contact with OM had to stop she basically did this in a way not very much to my liking but all communication etc had stopped.
All phones computers etc had to be transparent.We attended MC several times with issues of betrayal hurt and trust being tackled to not much resolve.
A work trip interstate for her brought on fear for me that contact with OM could be possible as they worked for the same company
although in different departments.It was stated on my part that if she did see him even passing in the corridor then she needed to be open and honest and tell me.
She did see him in a work meeting which she told me about.
not sure if it was coincidence or not.
unfortunatley for me it brings all those horrible feelings flooding back again.
She has just received a promotion at work and that is her dream job so she has told me.

Here is where we are at now
A discussion a week ago unravels that she doesnt feel intimate towards me and not sure if that will ever return.
Sex hasnt been an issue and has been good on both sides
since my return from working away i feel like im just a puppet doing all the domestic duties of home and enabling her to work late and chase her dream job.
Im not happy i asked if we moved away from home for a sea change and influenece of friends and family on both sides would she do it she said no you are asking me to give up my dream job that ive worked so hard for

This is whats happened in the last week
i told her i dont feel she is putting the effort in to save our marriage it feels one sided
her walls and barriers indicate to me that she uses excuses on my part to cover up her infedelity
She is cake eating and getting what she wants and i get nothing back in return

here is what i have done about it
told her i was leaving and if she didnt get on board once i walk ill never return
she didnt stop me so i left
seperated all finances yet again!!
have done a 180 and have not contacted her with her barrage of texts and calls and not responded to calls messages unless it relates to my daughter
instigated an agent and signed a contract to sell our property she is refusing to sign

my thoughts so far are im done with her!
limited contact will help me detach if i havent already(not sure about that yet)
no longer will i play second fiddle to an OM career or anything else she throws at me.
She cheated gave up and checked out!
I want to rebuild my life and start aga


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

robo1 said:


> I insisted all contact with OM had to stop she basically did this in a way not very much to my liking but all communication etc had stopped.
> 
> *What wasn't to your liking? She doesn't sound remorseful if she doesn't put your needs first.*
> 
> ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like she chose her "dream job" over you. If she really wanted her marriage to work she would move away and leave her company where the OM works. I don't see how your marriage could continue is she stayed working where she is as she is going to see the OM at times in meetings, hallway etc and that is going to bother you.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

i have pretty well decided she made her choices now im going to make her live it>>
Time to move on and build a new life


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

robo1 said:


> i have pretty well decided she made her choices now im going to make her live it>>
> Time to move on and build a new life


we all have to handle things like this the best way we can while recognizing we all have patterns of behaving/thinking that cannot just be set aside overnight.

having said that, if you have yet to call her a liar and a wh*re, I'm not sure why. give people the titles they earn.
I also think you should tell her to pack her clothes and belongings and get out. does she have any place she can go? does she have family in the area? 

now before following through with any of 'eviction' stuff check with your lawyer and tread carefully per that advice. the best you might be able to do is to convince her how much happier she will be living elsewhere ASAP. that her two 'titles' above will start to sound like her first and last name you plan on using them so often. within legal boundaries, treat her with no respect whatsoever as long as she stays. 

keeping in mind what I said at the beginning of this post, make no mistake, based on what she has done, this is exactly the kind of treatment she deserves.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were mired in a co-dependent relationship. The stronger you were, the harder she fought to get you back into unsatisfactory push and pull game. You went on like that back and forth for a long time. You did your best. If growth were necessary, you were willing. She was either unwilling or unable.

Best to end it.

Be a good dad. You'll find someone new. She may go through a bunch of men. Probably none will satisfy her. That's my guess.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

I have virtually gone totally dark on her! Ive not seen her since I left and any correspondence has only been via text or email and I only respond to matters of selling our home and our daughter and that is to the point and nothing more.
Im going through a lot of emotions but not as bad as last time. Does anyone have any tips on going dark?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Cut out sms. 

Phone calls are only for emergencies.

Communicate by email only and continue to only respond to matters regarding the kids. Make these rules clear to her.

Shared calendar for time with the kids.

Work on you. Keep yourself busy. Try to find a new hobby or revisit an old one.

Reach out to your mates, buddies, friends, family. Hang out and relax.

When you have the kids spend quality time with them. When you don't think about fun things to do with them.


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

thanks trying ill put this to plan!!


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

Update!!! Nearly 12 months after first post!!!!!!
So thought I would update for the newbies going through affairs cheating mind ****ery **** sandwiches and the like!!!
As I look through my original posts how weak I was.
Anybody going through the initial stages of heartbreak please take my advice!
Advice given from forum members on TAM will usually be correct they have been through it and know what they are talking about!

180 and going no contact is the key! do it now no hesitation! Do not back down hesitate or break this! Your personal survival depends on it regardless of whether you reconcile or move on! 
Do not put your loved one on a pedestal do not beg or plead do nothing! Go underground and let them do the work! They ****ed it it's up to them to fix it
Go completely dark on them! It's your only mechanism to cope believe me!
You will be told all of the mind ****ery bull**** of what you did wrong how it is all your doing and their affair is a result of your short comings

It's all bull**** smoke screens and mirrors!
Stand tall don't accept the bull**** and go 180
Fake it until you make it!
You will be torn down to an all time low believe me at times you won't even know who you are
Take this advice from me ! Been there done that

You are worthy you may not feel it at the moment but you are!
**** your ex! Move on when you can!
Accept it's not you and they are damaged goods and can't be fixed
Get your ass out and meet new people when you are able

You aren't your exes drama! Accept they can **** who they want and so can you!
Delete your past! Her family mutual friends etc go out and find your new life

My personal experience is ...
Together since school! Together for 30 years married for 20 knew nothing else
Worked my ass off never good enough
She got involved with her boss whilst I was working away to earn extra coin
All my fault wasn't there for her, didn't mind spending the cash though!
Treated to the usual **** sandwiches and mind ****ery
My advice in hindsight?
Lay boundaries on what you are prepared to accept
Go dark 180 and let the **** sandwiches fly never eat them

For me personally
Could never accept the affair didn't realise it at the time and tried to salvage something that was completely broken
Went into false reconciliation on her terms and was never going to work

Unfortunately for newbies it's a process 
But if you can heed some advice you may stand a chance or be better off

12 months on for me I have moved on met someone new and rebuilding some sort of a life. And it's tough but exciting at the same time
Am I avoiding the mind ****ery and **** sandwiches?
It's a battle but gets easier when you actually realise it for what it is

Stay strong it's a war and there is no winner but you!!!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Could you please add another cliche or TAMism? There was one too few in there...

Congrats for being in a better place now.


Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think you are half way home, with the hardest part completed. 

A primer for how not to be in a relationship ?

Have you owned your issues ? You hinted at a possible financial recklessness on your part. Ownership in going forward in a new relationship would involve developing learning importance and following though on how to make mutual decisions. 

What would you do different next time in a relationship if large amount of time is involved by distance. How do I establish what she needs from me to cope? 

Finally my daughter. What is a good father to a daughter, how do I become this father, how do I make it work as a divorced father.

By the way what s your custody agreement?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So what is going on with your wife now. Has she also moved on?


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## robo1 (Dec 10, 2014)

My ex is currently with affair partner!
I believe you have to make a stand on what you are prepared to accept and not!
I was no longer going to accept who she is and what she has become!
Eventually you get to a place of indifference! I no longer care what she is doing or who she is doing!
NC and a 180 helps you get to this point!
I stopped her ability to eat cake by no longer giving her the fork! All contact with her has stopped no emails texts phone calls etc and believe me she still tries but for your own sanity kill it off.
Doing NC and 180 gives you time to heal, recover and get stronger! Only then can you process everything see them for what they really are and get on with your life!
Life is certainly different now and for the better!
You will loose family, friends, and nearly everything you thought to be true! But you will rebuild start over and find happiness again!
What do I think of my ex wife now?
Nothing!
She is no longer my concern!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It would be great if you could post on gridcom's thread. Some women there are leading around b the nose.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

:iagree: with you, Chaparral.

Grid needs to read post number 79.

Robo,

Your wife really wants friendship and forgiveness from you, so that all of her choices are okay in retrospect. To eat cake she cried and wept, even had sex. She hated not being able to have guy A and guy B.

It was telling that your wife used to say that she thought you'd not forgive her in the long run. That says something good about her understanding of you. However, if she had truly been remorseful, who knows maybe you'd still be together.

She is surely dissatisfied with OM even if they are together. Who knows, maybe without viagra, the bed would never creak.


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