# Golden Rule in Marriage



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

There are a lot of posts about how one spouse ignores the needs of the other. To avoid tj of another thread in this forum, I will start this one. 

The particular discussion had to do where a spouse was very good at keeping an impeccable house but seemingly uninterested in keeping a happy sexual dynamic with their spouse. I submit that isn't in interest of the housekeeper because things that they enjoy get ignored as a a consequence. A similar example would be a husband who ignores his wife's need for emotional bonding and only approaches when he wants sex. He is harming himself as her resentment builds over the months and years.

Thoughts?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

We live in a time of relational ideals. Entertainment, therapy and social media add to unrealistic expectations - and promote discontent.

We are not machines. We're flawed. And that's what we need to accept.

No one is going to meet another person's wants or needs perfectly. It's just not going to happen. Ever.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Thoughts?


Good communication and understanding of love languages - especially if they're not very compatible is important - for both partners.

My first wife and I were like 95% perfect, but that last 5% was killing us - death by a thousand tiny cuts. In hindsight, it was obvious as we've both learned more about love languages. We might have been able to make it work understanding what we know today and been happy, but neither of us would be as happy as we are today with different partners that better meet our needs naturally.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

minimalME said:


> We live in a time of relational ideals. Entertainment, therapy and social media add to unrealistic expectations - and promote discontent.
> 
> We are not machines. We're flawed. And that's what we need to accept.
> 
> No one is going to meet another person's wants or needs perfectly. It's just not going to happen. Ever.


This x 1000!

I think that marriage is a partnership and you should genuinely want to see your partner happy in life, without expecting anything in return. This doesn’t mean that you should stay quiet in a marriage that’s become a one-way street or obviously stay with someone who belittles or abuses you, but I read threads on here that marriage seems like little more than “what can I get out of this person?” Or “I’m not going to do this, if he/she won’t do that.”

Often those same people leave those marriages and remarry someone else, only to bring along the same mindset about marriage. I think social media with all of its empty compliments and false praise, lead people to always looking over the fence wondering if the grass is greener.

Marriage isn’t about only you, it’s about you and the other person - together. And no one can possibly be all things to their spouse. It’s unfair to think so.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I think that marriage is a partnership and you should genuinely want to see your partner happy in life, without expecting anything in return.


By nature, relationships are reciprocal. I have no problem with that. 😊

But I don't think growth happens unless both people start with themselves, and _then_ work together to create the relationship they both want.

It sounds so simple, but it's obviously not happening, because we wouldn't be divorcing left and right, and hopping around from one person to another, if we were putting in the thought and the work that it actually takes to make a deep, satisfying relationship happen.

The truth can be very uncomfortable, and we live in a time that emphasizes convenience and 'happiness'.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> Marriage isn’t about only you, it’s about you and the other person - together.


This is the gist of what was trying to say.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

minimalME said:


> By nature, relationships are reciprocal. I have no problem with that. 😊
> 
> But I don't think growth happens unless both people start with themselves, and _then_ work together to create the relationship they both want.
> 
> ...


Yea, I didn’t mean to imply that one spouse should always do things without it being mutual give and take. But I think that when you love your spouse…truly love them…you aren’t always seeking something in return. Also, there is a tone with some threads that spouses need to be constantly interested in sex, constantly desiring each other or there’s something wrong with the relationship. That’s also an unhealthy mindset. Sex is important, but I think some people view it as a means for validating their own worth, and the worth of their marriage/relationship.

On another note, I’ve noticed posts where spouses expect their spouse to have no privacy unless in their restroom. That’s another mindset that to me, says they see marriage as ownership of another, and not a partnership. I’ll never know everything my husband is thinking, and actually, I’m fine with that. I don’t want to know. I get people have been betrayed but marriage isn’t a forfeiting of who we are as individuals. It’s finding that balance between walking through life together but respecting each other as individuals, too. Just my view for whatever it’s worth!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> Marriage isn’t about only you, it’s about you and the other person - together.


A marriage is not 50/50...it's 100/100. When either side is unwilling to work to make the relationship good, it's doomed. A major disconnect we discuss here all the time is sex frequency mismatch. Men and women who regularly refuse their partners for sex should be smart enough to realize that the story does not have a happy ending. Communications are critical, but in so many cases, they do not happen as well as they should in a marriage.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

minimalME said:


> No one is going to meet another person's wants or needs perfectly. It's just not going to happen. Ever.


This has been the hardest thing I've had to learn from TAM. It's a constant struggle to realize I will never, ever be enough.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sfort said:


> A marriage is not 50/50...it's 100/100. When either side is unwilling to work to make the relationship good, it's doomed. A major disconnect we discuss here all the time is sex frequency mismatch. Men and women who regularly refuse their partners for sex should be smart enough to realize that the story does not have a happy ending. Communications are critical, but in so many cases, they do not happen as well as they should in a marriage.


I agree but there are days …maybe even weeks…when you may give 100% and your spouse may give 10% and vice versa. It’s important to know that doesn’t mean a marriage is failing, it means that there may be issues one or the other is going through. Obviously if you’re always giving 100% and the other is giving way below that, then you have to sort out if staying makes sense. My husband likes sports analogies and will say “sometimes you’ll run half way up the field and some days I’ll have to carry you the whole way.”


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> I agree but there are days …maybe even weeks…when you may give 100% and your spouse may give 10% and vice versa. It’s important to know that doesn’t mean a marriage is failing, it means that there may be issues one or the other is going through. Obviously if you’re always giving 100% and the other is giving way below that, then you have to sort out if staying makes sense. My husband likes sports analogies and will say “sometimes you’ll run half way up the field and some days I have to carry you the whole way.”


Of course. It's not sunny every day.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I wonder if I’m missing context from the other thread. In any case, seems likely folks will bring their own context to this sort of thread.

One thing I think is universally true is: it takes two working to make a marriage good for both, for optimal results to be achieved.

Yes, it is possible to want things from a partner that are things you are better off/healthier/and can more honorably provide for yourself.

Yes, it is possible to provide too little of any particular thing, even willfully withhold that thing (whatever it is), to the detriment of your partner, marriage, and dependents. And sometimes that thing is something you promised to provide, or gave your partner reason to believe would be part of your life together, and your partner factored that a commitment to be married.

Its also possible to make declarations about where the lines should be drawn, that people reading will mistakenly assume apply to them. To anyone reading, I say: if you feel like your relationship is taking more from you than it should, if it feels your marriage is a chronic source of unhappiness, a drain on your energy, if you feel like you give and give but get only crumbs on return, we’ll, there is something wrong. And don’t assume it is that your expectations of your partner are too high.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> But I think that when you love your spouse…truly love them…you aren’t always seeking something in return.


I would go further. I enjoy seeing her happy. Always have. When got time and money to travel, asked her where in the world had she always wanted to visit. The planning and the actual trip, staying in the nicest place available, seeing the joy on her face filled ME with joy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> I would go further. I enjoy seeing her happy. Always have. When got time and money to travel, asked her where in the world had she always wanted to visit. The planning and the actual trip, staying in the nicest place available, seeing the joy on her face filled ME with joy.


This ^ guy gets it. That’s wonderful!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This has been the hardest thing I've had to learn from TAM. It's a constant struggle to realize I will never, ever be enough.


I understand. One of hardest things for me about being human is to know that my faults, which I'm oblivious to, are blatantly obvious to everyone else. 😅 

But that's one reason we have each other - to come alongside in kindness and love and help one another see. 🤗💕


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

minimalME said:


> I understand. One of hardest things for me about being human is to know that my faults, which I'm oblivious to, are blatantly obvious to everyone else. 😅
> 
> But that's one reason we have each other - to come alongside in kindness and love and help one another see. 🤗💕


I own a mirror. I see my faults, in blazing, stark relief. But at some point there is nothing I can do. 

I will say though, I have made some friends here to be supportive and kind while I go through this, and for that I'm grateful.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> There are a lot of posts about how one spouse ignores the needs of the other. To avoid tj of another thread in this forum, I will start this one.
> 
> The particular discussion had to do where a spouse was very good at keeping an impeccable house but seemingly uninterested in keeping a happy sexual dynamic with their spouse. I submit that isn't in interest of the housekeeper because things that they enjoy get ignored as a a consequence. A similar example would be a husband who ignores his wife's need for emotional bonding and only approaches when he wants sex. He is harming himself as her resentment builds over the months and years.
> 
> Thoughts?


As long as she's not withholding sex. She needs to tell him. Likely he'll adapt.
Problem solved. Perfection.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This has been the hardest thing I've had to learn from TAM. It's a constant struggle to realize I will never, ever be enough.


I would respectfully disagree with this idea of 'not being enough'

If I could rephrase what you said to be true, I would say it like this:
"_This has been the hardest thing I've had to learn from TAM. It's a constant struggle to realize I will never, ever be *perfect*_"

Being "enough" is quite subjective and depends on your husband's point of view.

Switch the roles and try to see it... your husband is probably not perfect. But is he perfect enough for you? I would bet so. And that's the ingredient that keeps people together in spite of flaws and some unrest in a marriage. I'm not perfect, but I am perfect enough for her. And that's what matters.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This has been the hardest thing I've had to learn from TAM. It's a constant struggle to realize I will never, ever be enough.


This is a common struggle. 


I have fought these feelings myself.


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## Armandocorey (6 mo ago)

In marriage, there are a few golden rules which serve as a guideline for both partners to follow and keep harmony in the relationship.

1. Trust and Honesty: In marriage, it is essential to have trust and honesty between the two spouses because without this, no relationship can be sustained. The relationship is maintained when both spouses know where their partner stands and communicate with them clearly.

2. Communication: It is important in any relationship that both members communicate with each other so that they know the feelings and thoughts of their partner. This helps in understanding each other and having mutual understanding.

3. Understanding: Understanding between two spouses is very important in order to have harmony in the relationship. If both understand each other’s feelings, then they cannot misunderstand each other, thus leading to better bonding between them.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is a common struggle.
> 
> 
> I have fought these feelings myself.


When this happened to me (realizing I was never going to be "enough")....I saw it as an issue with my EX, and not with ME, because he was never HONEST about what "enough" meant to him. I was ME...if that wasn't what he wanted, then that was because of HIM...it wasn't because I was "defective" in any way.

I will absolutely be good enough and hopefully even so much more than enough to the right man someday, as long as he is OPEN and HONEST about what he wants and whether I truly meet his needs and desires.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The Golden Rule is to treat others as you would want to be treated.

That is not adequate in marriage as marriage is a union of two different people who typically have different wants and needs and different agendas and different priorities.

For a marriage to work, each much apply the Platinum Rule which is to the other as THEY want to be treated.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I will absolutely be good enough and hopefully even so much more than enough to the right man someday, as long as he is OPEN and HONEST about what he wants and whether I truly meet his needs and desires.


This more or less aligns with the best piece of advice I'd ever gotten in my life.

Every relationship in your life, be it family, business, romantic, whatever, will always be at it's best when everyone says exactly what they want and need, and listens to others when they do the same. It doesn't need to be rude or blunt, it just needs to be honest.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm not 'getting' what the opening post is relaying.

Yet I do like many of the responses, even if I'm not quite catching the relationship between the two.

Anyone (or the OP) willing to enlighten me as to what the topic is intended to be about?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm not 'getting' what the opening post is relaying.
> 
> Yet I do like many of the responses, even if I'm not quite catching the relationship between the two.
> 
> Anyone (or the OP) willing to enlighten me as to what the topic is intended to be about?


It is about treating ones spouse as you would want to be treated. The Golden Rule.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> It is about treating ones spouse as you would want to be treated. The Golden Rule.


Generally speaking, I disagree with the concept in terms of marriage to a point. If I treated my husband how I would want to be treated, I'd be missing the mark on what he needs from me/us. I don't mean to be facetious here even though it's potentially going to sound like it; however, while I understand that some shared values of the relationship may set a foundation, when thinking in terms of actions or gestures, I'm not going to randomly get him flowers as a symbol of care - as in, that's something that I appreciate as one way in which I like to be 'treated'. Instead, I will take interest in his tractor-related things and have enthusiastically attended a machinery-equipment type expo with him. Perhaps being into one another is demonstrated in different ways, and to add, rather than framing it as how I would WANT to be treated there's room for accepting and recognizing the qualities one's spouse brings along with the potential limitations; whereby one can't be everything to the other. I'm understanding the relationship between earlier posts more now.

I personally feel it's a positive that one does not and cannot fulfill all the needs of another. Sure, hopefully many 'needs' are met within the context of marriage, yet I view it as healthy to have different sources of social interaction and which 'meet' different needs that we all have and through various roles such as with friendships/community/family and such. In addition, while most of us value feeling considered, respected, listened to, understood and so on, those aspects may not necessarily occur even if one is displaying that to the other, and perhaps, in some dynamics they would be better off seeing their spouse as they are in a 'realistic' way than demonstrating how they'd like to be treated in the misguided hope that the other is going to adjust to suit that mold. If one was considerate to their spouse and their spouse treats them like crap regardless, the concept of not casting your pearls before the swine comes to mind. Maybe it would be time to figure out why one was doing that, and what needed to change. Sometimes the change may lead to no longer being in that relationship.

Okay, that said, ideally there is mutual consideration and such that is shared within a dynamic. I personally do feel that Batman and I are towards one another. I do value being challenged even when I may not always agree. Very small example, I shared with him about a social interaction that I had with another woman recently. I was a bit cocky about it, in that I saw her as the problem and likely figured he'd go along with that (as like I said, I was a bit cocky at the time in relaying the scenario). His response was not automatically taking my view and instead suggested that how I handled it likely very much contributed to the response I received. Huh. I reflected, yep, he was on the money. In that one, I absolutely agreed with him and hadn't considered it that way. If he had just responded, 'Ugh, she sounds like an idiot' (or similar) that's not really doing me any favors when he also didn't think that. Someone else may not dig that style. I felt that I learned something about myself, though. Any of this making sense?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

minimalME said:


> We live in a time of relational ideals. Entertainment, therapy and social media add to unrealistic expectations - and promote discontent.
> 
> We are not machines. We're flawed. And that's what we need to accept.
> 
> No one is going to meet another person's wants or needs perfectly. It's just not going to happen. Ever.


Or I could have just quoted @minimalME 

Good response!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Without quoting all of what @heartsbeating said, I also disagree that one should default to assuming your partner wants to be treated as you would. 

In fact at times that can be an actual mistake. 

We are different people of different genders (usually) and not only have different wants and needs but often different motives and priorities as well. 

The key is not to treat someone as we would want to be treated but to treat them as they want to be treated.


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> A marriage is not 50/50...it's 100/100. When either side is unwilling to work to make the relationship good, it's doomed. A major disconnect we discuss here all the time is sex frequency mismatch. Men and women who regularly refuse their partners for sex should be smart enough to realize that the story does not have a happy ending. Communications are critical, but in so many cases, they do not happen as well as they should in a marriage.


Communication is the very foundation of a successful marriage. In that each partner can go to the other one and talk about their hopes, fears, happiness or unhappiness and not be judged by what they say.
Everyone needs that one person to pour their heart out to with good and bad situations. 
It creates an "intimacy" as deeply satisfying as their physical intimacy.
And furthers the bonding of their marriage.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> It is about treating ones spouse as you would want to be treated. The Golden Rule.


The problem with that is that men and women are different, The sexual dynamics between men and women are different, and are generally looking for different things (or prioritizing different things) in a relationship and from their partner. 

While there are a few universal basics, our spouse may not want to be treated in the way that we want to be treated. 
Because men and women are different, especially within the context of a romantic/sexual relationship.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> The problem with that is that men and women are different, The sexual dynamics between men and women are different, and are generally looking for different things (or prioritizing different things) in a relationship and from their partner.
> 
> While there are a few universal basics, our spouse may not want to be treated in the way that we want to be treated.
> Because men and women are different, especially within the context of a romantic/sexual relationship.


I may be off base here, and tell me if I'm wrong.

But the Golden Rule is being applied too specifically.

Broaden it out.

Love is the highest ideal.

When we're told to love our neighbour (and spouse) as we love ourselves, it's a wide open invitation to show the intractable love we have for ourselves (desire for the best for ourselves) and turn it outward. 

Less microscopic view and more 40,000ft view.

(I don't know, maybe I'm being sentimental and I also somehow used the word ''ourselves'' alot.....ignore, lol)


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> I may be off base here, and tell me if I'm wrong.
> 
> But the Golden Rule is being applied too specifically.
> 
> ...


Well, I can’t really argue with that. 
Especially if we’re looking at it from a high-level, strategic standpoint as opposed to tactical/immediate action level.


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