# No sex with my wife in almost 2 years



## Lonelyandmarried

Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.


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## Browncoat

I agree with Coffee Amore, especially about cheating not being the answer. It will likely ruin your marriage.

CA also had some great suggestions. Just try and find ways to give her a chance to recover and feel like a woman rather than a caregiver 24/7.

Perhaps arrange for a weekend away together (leave your son with family?). You two need some time to talk it out. Somewhere you both can relax and enjoy one another. Don't spring the conversation on her right away too... let her breathe a bit before you get into serious conversation.


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## stedfin

Don't cheat on her just because she won't have sex with you.

You're not happy, lay it all out for her to consider and if she won't give it to you then tell her you're getting it elsewhere and if she's not happy with a marriage of convenience then divorce her first and THEN go find yourself a sex partner.


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## unbelievable

Seriously? This woman hasn't had any energy at all to do anything other than provide for your son for two years? I don't have a special needs child but my wife gives the "too tired" excuse, too (among dozens of others). She finds the energy to work in the garden, paint, do crafts, shop, go for motorcycle rides, or anything else she wants to do. Hire a caregiver for a couple months. If you're still getting turned down, you know her excuse is just that...an excuse.


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## Blue Moon

Two years is a very long time. You've reached now or never mode, meaning you all either work on this now or you need to be thinking of alternative strategies. Those alternative strategies are for you to decide, but it's not OK to be trapped in an asexual marriage.


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## DawnD

Lonelyandmarried said:


> Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.


OP, I have an autistic son who is now almost 9 years old. I get that it is a lot of work, but I think you are addressing this backwards. 

Spending all day with a child with special needs can be frustrating, especially if you have a lot of people tell you "Oh, I totally get it, my best friends cousins uncles sister has a kid with autism" and you want to just slap them. Its hard to relate, and often the support groups turn into " My kid has it worse than yours" sessions.

Instead, I would ask if you could manage to inform her that her energy level is probably zapped, and that she needs to get into a regular gym routine to pick it back up. She needs that something for herself before she is going to offer you much of anything. I kid you not, I have two kids by myself, one who is autistic, has IEP meetings, therapies, teachers, etc, etc all week long, and I am still raring to go when my H is home. She needs to get herself back up and get into running, walking, jogging, pilates, something. Get that energy back.

I do agree that you need to talk to her and also inform her you are considering divorce over the lack of sex. I certainly wouldn't be down with my H cutting me off, so I don't expect you would be either. If you cheat, you are having an effect on things you would never even think about. Keep it clean, and keep it in your pants until you are either divorcing or having sex with your wife.


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## DanF

I had a severely handicapped child for almost 25 years. She was totally dependent on others for everything in her life. She could not hold a cup or feed herself.

My wife and I still managed to make time for each other. It can be done.
Your child is not the reason or a decent excuse for no sex life.

It takes both of you to raise and care for your child. Without the two of you taking care of each other, then the child will not be properly cared for.


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## Lonelyandmarried

WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.


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## DawnD

Have you talked to her about getting into a workout/gym routine to increase her energy level?? Honestly, most people I know who work out(myself included) feel a ton better when they get into a routine. More energy, better mood.


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## TeaLeaves4

unbelievable said:


> Seriously? This woman hasn't had any energy at all to do anything other than provide for your son for two years? I don't have a special needs child but my wife gives the "too tired" excuse, too (among dozens of others). She finds the energy to work in the garden, paint, do crafts, shop, go for motorcycle rides, or anything else she wants to do. Hire a caregiver for a couple months. If you're still getting turned down, you know her excuse is just that...an excuse.


I doubt his wife has the time or the energy for any activities for herself. These children often require care 24/7 due to severe behavioral and sleep issues. My sister and my best friend are both living it. My friend's child is 10, still is not potty trained, and she still has to get up during the night, every night, to care for him.

Hire an alternate caregiver? It costs more-- a lot more-- to find someone able and willing to deal with it.

Exhausting isn't the word. This isn't a typical "sexless" situation.


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## DawnD

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I doubt his wife has the time or the energy for any activities for herself. These children often require care 24/7 due to severe behavioral and sleep issues. My sister and my best friend are both living it. My friend's child is 10, still is not potty trained, and she still has to get up during the night, every night, to care for him.
> 
> Hire an alternate caregiver? It costs more-- a lot more-- to find someone able and willing to deal with it.
> 
> Exhausting isn't the word. This isn't a typical "sexless" situation.


 I have been living with it as well, and still manage to have a huge sex drive. It is about priorities. She has to make him one. Yes, special needs children are exhausting, especially with prolonged and uninterrupted contact. She needs to get something to do for herself, and give some more focus to her husband. It is very doable, and there are a lot of parents with these same circumstances who make it happen because it is important to them.


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## TeaLeaves4

DawnD said:


> I have been living with it as well, and still manage to have a huge sex drive. It is about priorities. She has to make him one. Yes, special needs children are exhausting, especially with prolonged and uninterrupted contact. She needs to get something to do for herself, and give some more focus to her husband. It is very doable, and there are a lot of parents with these same circumstances who make it happen because it is important to them.


Good for you- I'm glad that you are able to cope so well with a difficult situation. Some people are not though. She is probably depressed. I'm just saying there are other factors here. I don't think anyone else should judge until they know what they are. Marriages with special needs children are much more vulnerable to divorce due to the added stress, especially if one partner is doing most of it herself. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD

TeaLeaves4;704525Marriages with special needs children are much more vulnerable to divorce due to the added stress said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


And 98% of the parents I know who have divorced and have special needs kids is because one or both partners has been neglecting the other. No one is saying she isn't depressed, I advised he get her to the gym daily (natural mood lifter) to try and improve her mood and energy. Either way you look at it, sexless marriages will more than likely end or involve third parties.


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## Cee Paul

Damnnnnn, and I thought no sex for 4 months was pretty bad(and we have NO kids)!


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## unbelievable

People who are motivated to have sex make opportunities to do so, regardless of what else is going on. I find it incredulous that she couldn't find 30 minutes in 2 years. She hasn't watched one TV program in 2 years? Hasn't read one newspaper? It takes more time to do either of those than to take care of her husband. I don't think he's expecting her to run a marathon, or swing from a trapeze. As far as extra help being expensive, setting oneself up for a divorce isn't a great way to save money. It would seem that keeping a husband would be rather important for the financial survival of a stay-at-home mom with a special needs child. If she's depressed, dealing with an affair or a divorce isn't likely to improve her mental health.


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## mrsmanhatten

Lonelyandmarried said:


> WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.


That is what I was thinking too (about having another one). I'm so happy you communicated with her. And I agree she also needs time alone too not just with you. She has probably understandably lost herself in caring for your children. She needs to care for herself as well. Make time for eachother and look into the respite thing through hour local county. Wish you the best 

My hubby had a vasectomy btw he recovered very quickly and it is great not having to worry about that anymore....its a great idea


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## MrK

Lonelyandmarried said:


> One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.


Wow. It's deja vu all over again. Don't bet on it improving things. 

I'm counting two HUGE excuses, either one could have been overcome if it were REALLY the issue. I still blows me away that there are so many smart, experienced people on this board that can't or won't admit that most wives fall out of love with their husbands. Usually between 4- 10 years, but earlier is possible. Women need love for sex. Once the love leaves, the sex is soon to follow.

She's not into you any more. Get used to it or get divorced. I chose getting used to it. Divorce would have been a LOT easier.


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## deejov

I agree with DawnD
Take action. Book the caregiver, get the help you both need (you are both probably tired) and make sure your relationship is a priority.

Just be aware that one date together at this point probably won't turn the tables right away. It might be like starting all over again after 2 years. It might take time.

Why two years? What made you ask for advice at this point?
Has there been ANY sex at all in the past 2 years?


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## trey69

Has she been to the doctor lately? Maybe she needs to be checked out, to rule out anything medically. Could be a number of things though. Is there anything you can think of that she may be harboring some resentment about? Do you help her often with your son?


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## Cee Paul

My wife and I are BOTH to blame for our sexual lapses so I do fully believe that it takes TWO to tango.


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## Coffee Amore

Lonelyandmarried said:


> WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.


Talking is good. Now she knows how you feel and that's a HUGE first step in the right direction.

Even if you have friends who can help you out with special needs child care, I would still look into respite care from your county or state. It's free. 

The best thing you two can do for him is to be a strong family unit. If you and your wife are both united and working together, you'll do so much for him. You're on a long road and it's hard to go at it as a single, weary parent. When your marriage is strong, you'll both have more to give to your child. It's easy to make a marriage child-centric and a lot of us do that, but when the marriage is focused on the couple, the child/children benefit even more.


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## diwali123

Yes definitely look into respite care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Also I wonder if she's depressed. If she's that upset about this that she doesn't want to have another child I'm guessing she is really having a hard time. No offense but not everyone who has one special needs child stops at the first one. I'm guessing she hasn't grieved for what she lost. It's hard to admit that you're disappointed, upset, and you wish your child were different. It feels wrong. I'm guessing she hasn't dealt with any of those emotions because she can't and doesn't have time. 
If your child isn't sleeping through the night and she is always getting up, that is a huge libido zapper. I hated feeling like my d was going to cry anytime we did it. You just feel like why bother, the kid is never going to let you do anything that is fun. 
My d didn't start sleeping through the night until she was four and when she did it changed me. People just have no idea how it changes your personality and outlook. 
People at work tell me when I first started half the time I looked like a zombie. 
So your child is two? Have you considered Head Start? If nothing else get respite care and find a special needs play group. Get her into therapy. 
And really, I would advise not having the big V until after she's been in counseling for awhile. She might change her mind. 
Also have you thought about her getting a part time job solely to get her out of the house and with adults? You could use her earnings to pay for a
special needs sitter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog

Lonelyandmarried said:


> Ladies I need your help. My wife and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years. We have an autistic child that takes a lot of her time during the day. She says she is mentally and physically exhausted all the time from being his main caregiver. I help out at nights, after work, and on the weekends. I understand he is handful, but I've told her it isn't fair to me that I have to live in a sexless marriage. I don't want to cheat, but will just for sex.


As the mother of a special needs child, I can tell you it is vitally important you and your wife not neglect your relationship.

Special needs, as you know, can add much stress to the normal daily stresses of marriage. A good sex life will relieve some of that stress and help you two stay connected. 

I have no doubt she is tired and overwhelmed. Autism is particularly draining. It is great you are helping out. 

If possible, hire an autism-friendly caregiver for your child, if only for an hour. Even getting out of the house together for a cup of coffee, a muffin and some couple time is so helpful.

If she doesn't take care of herself as a woman, and take care of you as your wife, that's not in her best interest or in your child's.


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## Conrad

Cee Paul said:


> Damnnnnn, and I thought no sex for 4 months was pretty bad(and we have NO kids)!


It is.


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## Cee Paul

Conrad said:


> It is.


Not as bad as compared to a few years without any!


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## DTO

Lonelyandmarried said:


> WOW! Thanks to everyone for your quick replies. Several others have also told me that affairs are not the answer. My son is 4 and we do have 1 or 2 friends who can watch him for a while, but no one who I can leave him with overnight, due to his sleeping issues and various medicines he needs. I've told my wife how I feel and she cried because she didn't know how hurt I was. One of her issues is she is afraid of having another baby. I am too. We talked about it and this week I'm actually going to get a vascetomy. Hopefully that will ease some of the problem.


You might want to hold off on that V until you are sure you want to be in this marriage for the long term (without cheating). My sense is that the person who really wants to be permanently sterilized should do it, whether that is the man or the woman.

These folks who say there is always time for sex know what they are talking about. I was the one who handled my son's leukemia treatments for three years until he passed. So it was work F/T, deal with insurance issues, doctor visits (avg. 2x per week, many of them 6 hours), oversee home schooling, and keep up with the housework (have to be clean with immune compromised patients). Yet I always found time and my ex generally was not into it.

What I found was that my ex always had sex at the bottom of the list, stars be in alignment, etc. and needed to be coddled besides. The cancer issue was one more (albeit extreme) justification to not have sex - but the underlying issue was there all along.

If that is your situation as well, you need to make sure you are tackling the underlying issue. If you take the approach "once my child is squared away for a bit she will respond" you are likely to be disappointed.

ETA: also, make sure that the problem with finding care is not that you simply refuse to cede that much control or time away from your child. I don't know much about autism, but I understand the powerful emotion to, as the most knowledgeable one about your child, want to keep an iron grip on his time and make sure nothing interferes with his care.


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## hldnhope

unbelievable said:


> People who are motivated to have sex make opportunities to do so, regardless of what else is going on. I find it incredulous that she couldn't find 30 minutes in 2 years. She hasn't watched one TV program in 2 years? Hasn't read one newspaper? It takes more time to do either of those than to take care of her husband. I don't think he's expecting her to run a marathon, or swing from a trapeze. As far as extra help being expensive, setting oneself up for a divorce isn't a great way to save money. It would seem that keeping a husband would be rather important for the financial survival of a stay-at-home mom with a special needs child. If she's depressed, dealing with an affair or a divorce isn't likely to improve her mental health.


:iagree:

You guys definitely need to talk about this....


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## sinnister

My wife has given me the too tired excuse countless times over the last 5 years of our sexless marriage. 

She has recently decided to start training for long distance running.

Moral of the story? A person will make time for the things that are truly important to them. Regardless of how "tired" they are.


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## hookares

You are staying with her so you can have a reliable adult available to take care of your special needs child.
She is staying with you because you can provide for hers and your child, financially.
You BOTH need to ask yourselves "who will take care of and provide for our child once we are dead and gone?
Staying in a marriage that is dead only hastens the death of it's participants.


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## MrK

She doesn't love you any more. Get used to it.


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## srr

I think your wife is exhausted and stressed by the immense responsibility. 
Some kind of help with the child care would help with the whole situation.


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## Bluemoon1

Coffee Amore said:


> Talking is good. Now she knows how you feel and that's a HUGE first step in the right direction.
> 
> Even if you have friends who can help you out with special needs child care, I would still look into respite care from your county or state. It's free.
> 
> The best thing you two can do for him is to be a strong family unit. If you and your wife are both united and working together, you'll do so much for him. You're on a long road and it's hard to go at it as a single, weary parent. When your marriage is strong, you'll both have more to give to your child. It's easy to make a marriage child-centric and a lot of us do that, but when the marriage is focused on the couple, the child/children benefit even more.


Talking about it, in mine and many others experience is not good, in many cases the low desire partner can not see what the problem is all about, they get sex as and when they want it, so to them there is nothing to talk about, the high desire partner can cry and argue and talk all he/she wants about it, but it won't get them anywhere. 

The only thing that needs to be said is

"Your sex life might be over, but mine certainley is not" and then get up off your ass and start working on yourself, it may not solve the problem and the relationship could die, but the HD partner will be in a much better position to find someone else.

It's a shame that from what I know and have seen you have to shock some people to wake them up, there seems to be a feelings filter with LD people, they can not see the amount of hurt and anger they cause


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