# Discovered an affair. Now what?



## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

Background: My wife and I have been married just about 2 years. We are both 25. My parents divorced when I was 15 and hers are happily married after 30 years and incredible role models. 6 weeks ago she started an intense summer graduate school program where she lived with my parents as she took classes all day and returned home to me on weekends.

I started noticing harmless texts with a new friend, study sessions at his house, etc., and even mentioned this. She explained it as making good new friends. I trusted her but I started feeling like she was growing distant. She attributed it to the stresses of grad school. I checked our call logs to see she'd call him right as she left the house for errands, or have lengthy conversations that wouldn't get mentioned at all when I asked what she did that day.

School ended yesterday and I prepared for a big confrontation where I wanted to know exactly what was going on. She again insisted they're good friends and that was it.

Last night, I checked her email. I found an IM conversation where they both said "I love you" and said each other were sexy.

I printed this off and brought it up to her. I was mostly shocked, not angry, and more stunned than upset.

As she revealed that she thinks she's in love with him, she also mentioned that she had doubts about our relationship for months but hoped they'd blow over; that we were "going through the motions" in our marriage and it took this new guy to realize it (and to see just how green that grass is on the other side). I did not feel any of this; these have unquestionably been the best years of my life.

So, the following issues were presented:

1. She's in love with someone else.
2. She hid it from me.
3. She lied about it repeatedly when I asked.
4. She was "never 100% positive" that I was the right person.

She insists nothing physical happened and I believe her. At that point she had no more reason to lie.

The main things I brought up were the commitment I made on our wedding day, how seriously I took those vows, and the choices she has: Leave literally everything we've built up together for "six weeks of butterflies and proximity" (as I described him), or make a serious commitment to our marriage and confront him to call it off.

To me, divorce is an absolute last resort. I'm not sure what she's leaning toward at this point and she couldn't answer yet. I did not vehemently shoot down any notion of her being with him as I probably should have. I told her I am willing to forgive if she is willing to put in the effort. However, I feel like I treated it as more of a sales pitch for rebuilding our relationship than a declaration of how awful what she did was.

She left for the airport at 6:30 this morning to visit an out of state friend. I also know that she spoke with Other Guy for almost an hour at 5:30am.

I won't see her until Tuesday and I have no idea what to do in these next three days. Why do I feel I need to begin a period of self-improvement? Shouldn't she be the one throwing herself at my feet if she wants to save our marriage? Why am I feeling like I have to be impressive and wonderful all next week? My mom is coming to town today and I plan to bring it up.

This all feels like a horrible dream and knowing that it's going to take months or years to recover from - if we recover at all - is still unfathomable. Been reading these boards all morning and it seemed like a good place to start.

Thanks.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Welcome 

Your wife in an Emotional Affair:

You have done the first part.

Confrontation. She has responded in the classic way, with the same words used by all affair partners and followed the pattern. She is in the FOG. 


Here are your next steps, do not hesitate to do these. 

She has continued with the contact with the OM, this is not good for her; you have to now make life unpleasant for them. She needs to see there are consequences of using your love to fuel her fantasy.

Now you *expose* – call her parents, let them know and ask for their support – they may choose to back daughter on this so be prepared.

Let her friends know she is having an affair. Yes even the one she is visiting.

Find his parents details and let his family know, keep him distracted. 

Have your words ready and be constant with you message to others. 
Etc. I” love my wife I want to work with her to rebuild our marriage.”

Carry on gathering evidence.. 

This could take a while, be firm and keep on track. She may opt not to come home (for now), there is no other way forward until the fog clears. 

Keep calm; be on your very best behaviour at all times. 

Post and ask once you have done all this we will give you the next steps.

Each affair person behaves differently, so every recommendation offered varies.



Please read the threads below. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15211-i-caught-my-husband-phone-another-woman.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...emotionally-involved-just-sex.html#post170503

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...band-madly-love-married-woman.html#post170372

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nsed-version-i-dont-want-over.html#post170101


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## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

Thank you for the reply. I'd like to go through and address some points:



> "She has continued with the contact with the OM, this is not good for her."


I did not give her the ultimatum to stop contacting him last night. I guess I should have. For all I know, they could have decided that it is best to return to their spouses. Unlikely but I must give the benefit of the doubt. She'll know I know they talked and she'll disclose that conversation if I ask. Or if she doesn't, then I know she has no interest in making it work.



> "Now you expose – call her parents, let them know and ask for their support – they may choose to back daughter on this so be prepared."


This is difficult. I don't know what this would do besides push her out of reach. On the other hand, they were with us on our wedding day where they also committed to helping us with our relationship.



> "Let her friends know she is having an affair. Yes even the one she is visiting."


She plans to discuss it with the friend over the weekend. This is a very close friend of ours whom I love like a family member and I trust her to have our marriage's interest in mind when they talk.



> "Keep calm; be on your very best behaviour at all times."


This is good to hear... I feel like ranting and sobbing would show her the emotional impact this has on me, instead I tried to be reasonable. She said she thought I'd be angrier and I said it wouldn't help anything, especially not my case that we can work together to improve our marriage. She said I was making a good case.

What I hope happens is that the combination of this friend, the things I said last night, and some time away helps her realize that she can end this affair and work on our marriage. I will know on Tuesday.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Please assume the worst at all times, experience tell us that she will not play a straight bat with you.

As for telling her parents, this is a must if she does not return to the marriage and stop all contact with the OM. Do not give her weeks or many days on this, she must not have time to tell them a different story and get them on her side. Facts from you and the wish to save the marriage will speak volumes

Telling her parents could push her away and it does in some cases, the EA person tends to come back as even mom and dad feel the embarrassment and discomfort of the affair.

Do you know this guy, have his number and are you able to track down his family. You will need this info if she does not return. 

Spend some time checking this forum and plan your steps carefully

Best of luck


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wisp is right. There is a difference between being emotional and taking control. You are worried about driving her away? That is way to passive. You need to be assertive. and you need to out her to her family and to mutual friends. You think forcing her to set boundaries will drive her away, you are just dead wrong about that. You know what will drive her away. A lack of respect for you. Which she has already shown. You are right to not get all needy and clingy. But there has to be consequences. First off telling your parents and her parents are critical. Then you need to allow your parents to get up in her grill with something like this. " We let you stay with us while you are going to school and you turn around and CHEAT ON OUR SON?" 

Another point. Here is a reading assignment for you. I want you to comb through the posts on this sight and see just how many reconciliations are successful by using the "I don't want to drive her away" tactic. I think you will find more then enough evidence here that responding that way will only enable her to "cake eat" and "fence sit". Why? No consequences. How can you expect her to fight for your marriage when you are giving her a license to "explore her feelings" for the other man. I am by no means telling you to burn her down. But you need to shine a 10 million candle light flash on this affair. If you don't you will only support her childish view that she was "never that really into you". And don't be to convinced that she hasn't had sex with him. If she denies it to you. Then she has. Wayward wives are weird this way. They will cut you off because having sex with you would mean that they weren't really in love with the OM. And that would make them a ****. You cannot operate out of fear. You must be strong. And you must out the affair. You must tell the OMs wife. And let her control him from that side. Again, read all you can here about others have responded and what has worked for them. I can assure that passive is not the way to go. Good luck.


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## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

Thank you. Not sticking up for myself has been a problem of mine in previous relationships too. So what the heck do I do for the next three days? Just prepare my remarks?


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## LoveLostHusband (Jul 24, 2010)

I am in a similar situation. Only difference is my wife is still denying the affair(and to be honest I am yet to find hard proof of one through computer logs, emails, or cell phone records). But my wife told me that she has been uncertain about us for the last few months and about 5 months ago flat out told me she is no longer "in-love" with me and no longer sexually or emotionally attracted to me. When I asked her if our marraige, home, family, and daughter are worth fighting for she said she's not sure. Which that has me still suspecting she has had an emotional affair with someone at work but she denies it and gets defensive about it when I bring it up. I have stopped questioning her on it until i find proof of it but I am finding that I can't seem to discover any proof so either there is none or she's covering her tracks very well. I found this Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity book helped me a lot to understand my wife's lack of love towards me and my wife has agreed to read it and we are currently scheduling marriage counseling sessions. Sounds to me that my wife is currently in Stage 1 and yours is currently in Stage 2 according to the book. The book may help to open her eyes to how she is truly feeling and how she thinks she is feeling.

Hope this helps.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

foster2545: Call her parents...Tell them the facts as they are. Ask them to not to contact their daughter until she returns home to you and that you need their support..


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

LoveLostHusband: For your sake hire a PI, they should track the guy down very quickly, they have all sort of tricks to get the info


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## LoveLostHusband (Jul 24, 2010)

foster2545 said:


> Thank you. Not sticking up for myself has been a problem of mine in previous relationships too. So what the heck do I do for the next three days? Just prepare my remarks?


For the next three days don't let the affair eat at you because resentment, anger, and even imagination will sink in which will put you in a sort of a FOG. You've discovered the Emotional Affair now the the goal is to put an end to it before it gets to the Physical Affair. Confront the other guy about it see what he has to say about it, talk to her parents about it, talk to her close friend about it(probably during the time after your wife leaves her house but before she gets home). Confront your wife when she gets home and tell her that if she has even the most remote feeling that she wants your marriage to work then she will break off ties with the other man and try to fix your marriage. She will probably fight you on it, just don't lose your cool over it though. Right now she is more then likely looking for your flaws and thinking of the other guy's attributes...so don't fuel her thoughts by loosing your temper over this. I know you probably want to explode but don't.


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## LoveLostHusband (Jul 24, 2010)

Wisp said:


> LoveLostHusband: For your sake hire a PI, they should track the guy down very quickly, they have all sort of tricks to get the info


Yeah I have thought of this and it is a possibilty that I still might do in the near future. I have been told that marriage counseling won't work til the affair is ended but my lack of proof of an affair makes it so that I look like a paranoid idiot everytime I try to push her for info on the topic. 

The book I linked above show what women do:

~They push men for commitment

~They get what they want

~They lose interest in sex 

~They become attracted to someone else 

~They start cheating 

~They become angry and resentful 

~They begin telling their partners that they need time apart

~They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages

My wife seems to have gone through this entire spectrum and we are currently in that indefinite but usually long period of time right now. In the OP's case, you are in the Cheating part and hopefully you can get her to stop. She's already admitted it to you which is a huge step forward now you just need to decide if you want to forgive her and then get her to want to end it with the other guy.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to do more then prepare your remarks. First, be thankful that you don't have children. Next prepare to cut her off financially and see a lawyer about a separation(based on her response). This is to protect yourself from her putting you deeper in debt or looting your savings. Get ready to put her out of the house if she won't stop. If she doesn't know where you stand, she will eat cake and ask "for time to search out her feelings with the new guy" (this happens all the time). As wisp has suggested, tell her parents and family. Show them the e-mails if needed. You need to do this right away b4 she can give them a line of BS like "we've grown apart" and "He isn't meeting my needs like a husband should". When you confront her again. Tell her your boundaries and expectation. Full No contact, transparency with e-mail and cell phone. If she says no, tell her that she needs to explain to her parents why she is cheating, and tell your parents to no longer allow her to stay with them. Then go forward with cutting her off and telling her that she needs to find another place to live. Do not scream or yell, but you must be firm. Do not let her negotiate continuing the affair by saying she needs time. Sorry no time. Choose now.
She wouldn't accept it from you. Don't accept it from her. Good luck.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Be firm and hold the line. She's staying with your parents while going to school, well that stops right away if she's not willing to work on your marriage. It'll be hard but coming clean to your parents but it needs to be done. Yes, kicking her out of your parents place might make her run to stay with the OM.

If she has student loans, make sure your name is not attached to the loans. If you co-signed for the loans, contact the bank and tell them that you want your name off of the loan. If she loses the loan, oh well that's her problem. THOSE LOANS ARE FOR LIFE AND YOU GET STUCK WITH THEM UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE. Bankruptcy will not wipe those loans away and you'll eventually get a wage garnishment. I know, I do payroll and have to deal with quite a bit of these garnishments.

Do not be second best in this scenario, if she wants time to think it out, fine. She's on her own until she finds out what she wants. Once she sees her money train being cut off she might do a 180 and beg for forgiveness (money does that to people for some reason). Have a strong heart at this point, if she's sincere, everything is fair game. No secrets period.

I would probably even get a pre-nup drawn up at this point also and make her sign it. Yes, that's harsh but it's gonna suck if she decides after finishing school to clean you for 1/2 of what you have worked for while she's going to school and screwing around with other guys. Plus you get 1/2 of her bills if your name is attached to it. So you lose 1/2 of your assets, gain 1/2 of her liabilities, gg. Your life as you know it is over.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

foster2545 said:


> She insists nothing physical happened and I believe her. At that point she had no more reason to lie.


As horrible as this is to contemplate, you are completely incorrect that she has nothing more to lie about.

You can't imagine it, but a cheater lies for every kernel of truth they cough up.

The most effective lies are those told with truth blended in with them.

She's screwing the guy.


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

foster2545 and LoveLost,

there are some great people on this site - don't just read the posts but believe them. I am just a regular guy like yourselves in a marriage that is crumbling. I am no expert but I have been where you are and are slightly ahead of you. The advise im about to give is based on my situation but every wife seems to follow the same script.

Like you probably do I believed my wife to be a good person who even if wasn't in love with me respected me as a person enough to tell me the truth. TRUST ME - I couldn't have been more wrong, the person you are dealing with is not the wife you know. My wife, who I thought was trustworthy, saw the effect the affair had on me when I initially found out about it. She saw the pain first hand, she has twice since told me she wants to work on the marriage and promised me to my face there would be no more contact with OM. Within hours she was texting him. I know it is hard but for now I would expect the worse and if that doesn't happen its a bonus. Expect her to lie and treat you like dirt - this is what spouses in EA's do. BELIEVE IT PLEASE.

Secondly expose the affair to everyone you think it worth doing. I read this advise a when I first found out and like you are probably thinking now I thought "this will do more damage than good - she will just hate me". PLEASE PLEASE just bite the bullet, pick up the phone and do it. I fear I have done it too late but I have since phoned her family and friends, she had told all of them a pack of lies and they were all advising her against me as a result of it. Once I had convinced them of the truth they have all shown me so much love and are right behind me. TRUST ME - DO IT. It will really help to end the affair.

Thirdly, the hardest thing is to stay calm and strong. Do not cry, beg, shout, grovel. Show her you are serious, confident but caring. The hardest thing is normally the best thing.

please keep posting for help


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Listen to the man


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## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

Well, it's a new day, and I can see they spent 65 minutes on the phone last night around midnight.

I wonder what you talk about for an hour at midnight. I doubt you talk about your marriages and how you should no longer be speaking.

So that means the EA has gone on 4 weeks without me knowing while lying about it, as well as 2 days WITH me knowing about it - and her best friend whose house she's staying at.

Which means she's unlikely to go NC tomorrow when she arrives home, which means she doesn't stay in my house tomorrow, which means my life changes for the worse for a very, very long time.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

This is only the beginning 

Scan my posts, there are many threads that have contributions on how to deal with this, get your plan and action it now.

Warning: the longer you take to expose the worse it is for you, this is 4 weeks only, kill it quick. 

Scare the living daylights out of him and bring her back into the fold, my first post to you on this thread stands. 

Please please do not play your hand and tip her off, be on your very best behaviour, a charmer, lover and husband.


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## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

I'm resigned to the fact that when she gets home tomorrow she won't be willing to go NC tomorrow and she'll be moving out for a time.

At that point, how often do I contact her? None, because she knows what the stakes are? Or occasionally, as I am still her husband, to continue to let her know I'm willing to work on our marriage and try to convince her that it's the right thing to do?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Do not ask her to leave; she should stay in your house with you. 

I use to say this but over time realised, after following similar threads, that the advice was all wrong, while she is there you can observe. 

I she chooses to move then so be it. Do not propose she move nor do you.

After the ultimatum start exposing straight away.


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## foster2545 (Jul 31, 2010)

Our house is for our relationship. I cannot abide her continuing an EA while living in the home I am paying for. Plus she does not get to see any consequences of her actions - i.e. life without me (and the dog, and the house) - that would happen as the result of a divorce if she does not end the EA.

Why do you say not to make her leave if she doesn't go NC? It seems like an obvious first step.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You need to scan the threads from turnera and affaircare. Could take some time

I had previously suggested the route you are choosing, it was rebuffed and the stay at home option was the correct choice in that instance.

The reality is you know your wife and the leave may be the right option for you, perhaps if you go that route understand that the EA will still continue so why finance it.

Lock the funds down, the words I read were : Do not support an affair on the family time or family dime.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Do not bank on her seeing any consequences of her actions, at this point she is still in her fog. The house, the dog and a life with you are the farthest thing from her mind.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I concur with you foster. First thing Monday, I would get over to the bank and set up a new account, and cut off any credit cards. The continuation of the EA is enough justification to do that. If she will not stop the EA......out she goes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to get her back home, get romantic, date her .
Are you fighting or what? Be the EA's other man(he may or may not care, but every one gets jelouse My wifes OM did, when I became the wife's OM's other man (it help end the contact)

All these posts are all right on, I've been there done that.

If you win the fight why have consequences?
By now you should have protected your self (bank accouct, credit cards, information from investigations, pay check and so on). DO NOT LET HER KNOW ABOUT THE INVESTIGATION/SPYING no matter what you find it will be painful.

If you loose the fight LET THE CONSEQUENCES BEGIN


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It's all so confusing, isn't it? Advice to do this....advice to do that. Let me see if I can explain two: why you should disclose and expose...and why you should not kick her out JUST YET (maybe down the road but not this minute). 

You should disclose/expose to your family, to her family, to your mutual friends who love you both and want your marriage, to your pastor, and probably to your employer and her employer because those are all the people whom she is likely to lie to about WHY you two are no longer together, and those are all the people who's lives are about to be harmed because of her choices. She doesn't realize that of course. She is so deep in affair fantasyland that all she's sees is "star-crossed lovers that destiny brought together against all odds...." or some similar b.s. :bsflag:

Right now she is rewriting history to justify why she would do something so out of character: commit adultery. She's magnifying your bad points and the OM's good points. If she were asked point blank, she would tell friends and co-workers "I was never really sure if I loved him. He didn't pay any attention to me. He'd snap at me if I wanted to talk. One time he even screamed at me for an hour!" Of course, she when asked if she mentioned that you screamed for an hour because you just found the proof of her adultery, she'd say: "That's none of their business!" So what do people get? Dishonesty--half-truths--justifications... And your family is about to lose their daughter-in-law! Her family is going to lose a son-in-law! You are going to be distracted at work and cry... Thus these people need to know that things are not perfect, and you're not claiming that you're blameless, but the issue here isn't your snipping at her or being unatttentive--it is her AFFAIR!

You should not kick her out right now, because if you do, she may have to 'crash' at a friends' house for a few days, but it will create resentment in her AND she can use that as blame for why she's continuing the affair: "SEE! His temper was on the verge of abusive and he threw me out because he has trust issues and violated my privacy!" ON THE OTHER HAND...if you have her stay home but say, "This home is for you and I and our marriage. I understand I've not been perfect, but I'm not giving up on this marriage and I'm willing to work hard to rebuild the love and trust. To do that, you can not be carrying on an affair here in this house." As long as she is home with you, you have the opportunity to do the things to rebuild, and to stop harming your marriage. You can allow her to experience consequences by not enabling the affair IN YOUR HOME. If she's moved out you can't really access her much at all! That's a REALLY long haul as IAMNOTTHEONLYONE and Land and Jar can tell you!

So you stay put, you can't force her to stay but you can welcome her to stay in the marital home, and don't allow things in your marital home that enable adultery...like "I can not control you, but I can control me and in our marital home I do not tolerate the disrespect of secret cell phone calls at midnight to your lover" etc. It's somewhat smaller stuff but it does effectively point out to her that you know full well it is adultery and you won't support or encourage it. At the same time you do have access to demonstrate that you CAN stop the things that extinguished love, you can restart the thing that kindled love originally, and you can make carrying on the affair inconvenient and no longer "their little secret." Make sense?


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