# How to handle 1st breakup after divorce?



## arandomlady

I'm ending a relationship that's been just over a year and having a general malaise about my prospects. My marriage had ending by shock after 12 years and this seeming good relationship I was in is ending after an argument that I'm not giving him what he wants or needs. Maybe I jumped the gun, any pointers on how not to feel like a total failure in relationships after divorce?


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## Herschel

Yeah, it happens. I was dating this one woman between wives, and it was good, sex was pretty good, she was pretty damn boring and really blah at times. It was a rebound and it happens. We had a European cruise booked and 3 months earlier she was actually drifting from me. Maybe because I accidentally sent her a text that said I wasn't falling in love with her yet. Was an awkward vacation and we actually didn't see each other again after. You just move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arandomlady

It stung to hear yet again "not giving what I want or need" which is the death blow. I'm not getting any younger will be 38, I dont want kids, so seems like only older guys are interested and in this case I didnt measure up. I prefer not to be alone so it stinks...:frown2:


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## Herschel

Do you not want any kids, or to have young kids? Would you consider a guy with like, pre-teens or something like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arandomlady

I do not want to birth children, I'm ok with older kids but under 10, cant do that again don't want to even try. I had a pretty epic thread in here before that unraveled ending with a move from the mainland. I didnt expect happier ever after but the little bit of dating I did do left me feeling like I needed to take a chance and hold where I probably shouldn't have. Ok that happened Thanks for the response, now I have to roll it out friends and family. Thank God no one has met him yet anyway.


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## joannacroc

How to handle it? Copious amounts of ice cream? Kidding. Sorry that's probably not helpful. It's horrible to admit but having gone through a divorce already, you more than have it in you to handle this. Being alone sucks...until it doesn't. Think of all the advantages: no mess to clear up that you don't create yourself, freedom to pursue your own career/hobbies without consent of others, full remote control access. How long did you date this guy, and how long after you divorce did you start dating him?


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## Evinrude58

It happens. When you find the right one, everything will be easier.

Just asking-- that's kind of odd that a man said you weren't giving him what he needs. What is it that they're needing that you aren't providing, in their minds?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane

arandomlady said:


> any pointers on how not to feel like a total failure in relationships after divorce?


As soon as you're able get out there and start dating again. Eventually there will be some successes hopefully you'll get into a long term relationship that's satisfying and emotionally fulfilling.

Remember most relationships fail, otherwise we'd be with one person our entire lives and most of us are not.


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## arandomlady

joannacroc said:


> How to handle it? Copious amounts of ice cream? Kidding. Sorry that's probably not helpful. It's horrible to admit but having gone through a divorce already, you more than have it in you to handle this. Being alone sucks...until it doesn't. Think of all the advantages: no mess to clear up that you don't create yourself, freedom to pursue your own career/hobbies without consent of others, full remote control access. How long did you date this guy, and how long after you divorce did you start dating him?



If I count from initial meeting until now, about 18 months. I may get dinged here but I did meet/date this guy dated before my divorce was finalized but it was clear my marriage was over and was taking steps towards that. The math is fuzzy I had been by that time physically separated for about 8 months before moving (xh had worked out of state) I was awaiting a job transfer to get out of dodge. Then I arrived on island and had been here about 3 months when I met him. He was older already divorced and aware that I was looking for anything serious given my avalanche of stuff and proceedings to go though. We agreed to go pretty slow but stopped seeing other people just over 3 months in which probably was my bad too but I was fine with it too.

I should be well versed in what to do by now but the divorce was the first true breakup I had ever had and now this one. Thing is I'm way better off than I was in the divorce but yet I'm feeling worse than I expected about this relatively short relationship with if I'm honest, someone I'm not optimally compatible with...


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## arandomlady

Evinrude58 said:


> It happens. When you find the right one, everything will be easier.
> 
> Just asking-- that's kind of odd that a man said you weren't giving him what he needs. What is it that they're needing that you aren't providing, in their minds?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well I took that as a catch all to -this isnt working- after having a text war. We had gone back and forth about differences in how we communicate and show affection how we're different. I think alot of it was him expecting a certain kind of response from me and being disappointed I did not do what he would have done or have his kind of sensibility.


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## arandomlady

Mclane said:


> As soon as you're able get out there and start dating again. Eventually there will be some successes hopefully you'll get into a long term relationship that's satisfying and emotionally fulfilling.
> 
> Remember most relationships fail, otherwise we'd be with one person our entire lives and most of us are not.



I think analytically I know that having met a few guys that didnt work out before this one but how does one not be become jaded. I'm trying to reflect on my errors many came from just wanting to be stationary. my relationship experience is lacking in dating scene


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## Mclane

arandomlady said:


> I think analytically I know that having met a few guys that didnt work out before this one but how does one not be become jaded. I'm trying to reflect on my errors many came from just wanting to be stationary. my relationship experience is lacking in dating scene


Well being jaded about meeting someone for the long term is different then feeling like a failure. 

I can't help you on feeling jaded, because that's a natural response after so many successive bad relationship attempts. 

I can and will suggest you don't take it personally, and remind you that you're just one of a planet full of people who by and large have experienced multiple relationship failures while not themselves, being a failure.


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## bandit.45

I went through the same thing you did OP. I fell in love with someone and it did not work out. I'm still not over her. 

I'm 48 and getting old and I've basically given up dating. But I'm surprisingly content and happy with my life. 

You are still young and have a lot of life left to live. You will find a good man to love you. Don't worry.


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## Mclane

bandit.45 said:


> I'm 48 and getting old and I've basically given up dating.


Why? You're about the age I was when I STARTED dating after a long marriage. There's tons of women out there and if nothing else their mouth will beat your hands every single day of the week.


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## arandomlady

That helps puts it into perspective. I appreciate the insight I am woefully lacking but in someways blissfully ignorant so I probably am naive about the future


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## Mclane

arandomlady said:


> That helps puts it into perspective. I appreciate the insight I am woefully lacking but in someways blissfully ignorant so I probably am naive about the future


Which comment? Bandits comment about being happy without a woman or my comment about her mouth being better than my hands?


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## arandomlady

bandit.45 said:


> I went through the same thing you did OP. I fell in love with someone and it did not work out. I'm still not over her.
> 
> I'm 48 and getting old and I've basically given up dating. But I'm surprisingly content and happy with my life.
> 
> You are still young and have a lot of life left to live. You will find a good man to love you. Don't worry.




Hey 48 isnt old, you're younger than the guy I was dating. How long did it take you being in the scene to decide to give up altogether? Its funny I like living alone having my own life, its the being alone part that feel less optimal. I would like to aleast have dating on the table


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## bandit.45

Mclane said:


> Why? You're about the age I was when I STARTED dating after a long marriage. There's tons of women out there and if nothing else their mouth will beat your hands every single day of the week.


I've been very happy the last couple of years not having a relationship mucking up my life. I'm not actively looking nor am I worried. 

I can understand that most people would feel lonely and hopeless in my situation, but I've always been a bit of a lone coyote, so it doesn't bother me much.


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## Mclane

bandit.45 said:


> I've been very happy the last couple of years not having a relationship mucking up my life. I'm not actively looking nor am I worried.
> 
> I can understand that most people would feel lonely and hopeless in my situation, but I've always been a bit of a lone coyote, so it doesn't bother me much.


I'm sort of a mix of loner vs half of a relationship. I do ok on my own and I don't have many friends but I do find things to be at least twice as fun with my significant other.

It helps to have someone who really knows you, a someone who you can trust and feel safe with, a person who you can vent to, and bounce your thoughts, ideas, and problems off of who can give you perspective and positive feedback. A person who can hold one end of a large piece of lumber while you're nailing it into place. A person who can scratch that itch on your back that you can't quite reach. A person who can assure you that you are not crazy for whatever it is that makes you think you're crazy.

The mirror doesn't work too well for that.


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## bandit.45

arandomlady said:


> Hey 48 isnt old, you're younger than the guy I was dating. How long did it take you being in the scene to decide to give up altogether? Its funny I like living alone having my own life, its the being alone part that feel less optimal. I would like to aleast have dating on the table


It took me a couple years and two failed relationships, a few ONSs, to decide to hang up my dating shoes. I'm just not into the work it takes to court a woman. I'm trying to finish out my career and save up for retirement. I have a very busy job and I just don't have the brain space to deal with a woman's needs anymore. 

I adore women, don't get me wrong. 

As for my age...it's not the years, it's the mileage. I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have arthritis and bad knees, I wore my hips and feet out hiking and hunting elk and deer for the past twenty years, I have GI tract problems....lots of gross sh!t that I would never burden a good woman with.


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## bandit.45

Mclane said:


> I'm sort of a mix of loner vs half of a relationship. I do ok on my own and I don't have many friends but I do find things to be at least twice as fun with my significant other.
> 
> It helps to have someone who really knows you, a someone who you can trust and feel safe with, a person who you can vent to, and bounce your thoughts, ideas, and problems off of who can give you perspective and positive feedback. A person who can hold one end of a large piece of lumber while you're nailing it into place. A person who can scratch that itch on your back that you can't quite reach. A person who can assure you that you are not crazy for whatever it is that makes you think you're crazy.
> 
> The mirror doesn't work too well for that.


Well I avoid mirrors. I don't like scaring myself. 

I think the one thing I miss most is having a warm lady to cuddle with at night. I like having someone to spoon with and hold when I sleep. I miss that. 

....and sex.


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## arandomlady

Mclane, all of the responses help in their own way. The key idea that most relationships fail somehow hasn't sunk in as dumb as that may seem. I alot of clothes and shoes at his place that I prefer to get back rather than he just throw out , whats the protocol on something like that? Should I wait before asking? Its some of nice things and I dont want to forgo it if I dont have to. Then again I dont want him to think I need to see him since we essentially did end this over text


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## arandomlady

Bandit I see, a lot on your plate already. Well you know what you want and what you're willing to deal with so thats good. Congats on the recovery am sure once you have some breathing room someone may very well find you when you're not looking


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## Mclane

bandit.45 said:


> I think the one thing I miss most is having a warm lady to cuddle with at night. I like having someone to spoon with and hold when I sleep. I miss that.
> 
> ....and sex.


I'm sure you do. Right up there in the top 10 list (at least my list) along with the spooning and sex, is coming home at end of a long day at work with a home cooked meal warm and ready for me because there's a woman in my life who cares about me and wants to take care of me. 

I've never been much of a cook and Hot Pockets just don't cut it.


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## bandit.45

I went through a cooking phase where I bought some cookbooks and a really expensive chefs knife and really high end cook wear, but I've had such an itinerant life that most of that stuff is packed away in storage. 

So I either eat out (sushi and Thai/Vietnam food mostly) or I eat salads. I stay way for the prepackaged stuff.


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## Mclane

bandit.45 said:


> So I either eat out (sushi and Thai/Vietnam food mostly) or I eat salads. I stay way for the prepackaged stuff.


When I shop for myself in the supermarket I never buy something that doesn't have cooking instructions printed on the outside.


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## SunCMars

arandomlady said:


> too.
> 
> Thing is I'm way better off than I was in the divorce but yet I'm feeling worse than I expected about this relatively short relationship with if I'm honest, someone I'm not optimally compatible with...


Of course you are feeling bad. You went through a divorce, you shed a "hairy man" but that did event did not cause you to lose your emotions....passions, ardor, sensibilities, empathy.

Those qualities can be blunted by life's events, but never extinguished.


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## ne9907

arandomlady said:


> It stung to hear yet again "not giving what I want or need" which is the death blow. I'm not getting any younger will be 38, I dont want kids, so seems like only older guys are interested and in this case I didnt measure up. I prefer not to be alone so it stinks...:frown2:



Lady,
I am also 38. Will be 39 next month. I hear what you are saying, in my case the last guy I dated wasn't giving me what I wanted nor needed. I let him go, it did hurt a little, but would rather be alone than miserable.

I have come to realize that at our age, we have a LOT of men to pick from yet the quality is low.
For example:
1. The young guys who want a cougar.
2. The way older guys who get attached too quickly (after their own divorce)
3. The within-our-age-range guys who love being bachelors and just want to play the field.


Why don't you play the field a bit? Find out what you like sexually, find out what YOU want in a man not what they want.

Do not attach yourself too quickly. 

Just my thoughts. Good luck!~


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## SunCMars

arandomlady said:


> It stung to hear yet again "not giving what I want or need" which is the death blow. I'm not getting any younger will be 38, I dont want kids, so seems like only older guys are interested and in this case I didnt measure up. I prefer not to be alone so it stinks...:frown2:


This hurts. What is it, that you think they were referring to [not getting from you]. If may be something unreasonable. Or not.

I can guess, but would rather hear it from you.


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## nice777guy

Mclane said:


> There's tons of women out there and if nothing else their mouth will beat your hands every single day of the week.


Wait...what???

@arondomlady - have you tried being alone much post divorce? Thought the common advice was to take a year or so and just work on yourself - which is hard to do if you are dating.


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## EnjoliWoman

arandomlady said:


> It stung to hear yet again "not giving what I want or need" which is the death blow. I'm not getting any younger will be 38, I dont want kids, so seems like only older guys are interested and in this case I didnt measure up. I prefer not to be alone so it stinks...:frown2:


There's the problem. You don't want to be alone. If you aren't OK with the possibility of living your life alone then you are going to settle for relationships that are, on the surface OK, but where you aren't deeply compatible.

I'm 10 years older and I've been there and had a first rebound relationship that hurt more than the marriage because it made me full of self-doubt. After that, it was 100% better once I embraced the possibility. Still singe? Yup. Very happy? Yup. Dating someone? Kinda. But either way I know I'll be fine and happy. 

So visualize how it can still be good alone. Think about the things you want to do and when you get saddened at the thought of doing them alone, think of the possibility. Single? That means flexible to adapt to whatever adventure comes your way! Develop or maintain close female friends and do things with them.

There's still lots of time.


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## Mclane

arandomlady said:


> I alot of clothes and shoes at his place that I prefer to get back rather than he just throw out , whats the protocol on something like that? Should I wait before asking? Its some of nice things and I dont want to forgo it if I dont have to. Then again I dont want him to think I need to see him since we essentially did end this over text


I wouldn't wait, I'd drop him a text or call, if he doesn't pick up leave a clear message, whatever way you contact him keep it short and simple and say you would appreciated if he packs your stuff up and you'll stop over on xxx day at xxx time to pick them up and it's fine if he leaves them -insert safe and convenient place here -

Don't sweat protocol, you don't care about him and what he thinks and what's the 'cool' way to handle it, you just want your stuff back and be done with it.


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## arandomlady

ne9907 said:


> Lady,
> I am also 38. Will be 39 next month. I hear what you are saying, in my case the last guy I dated wasn't giving me what I wanted nor needed. I let him go, it did hurt a little, but would rather be alone than miserable.
> 
> I have come to realize that at our age, we have a LOT of men to pick from yet the quality is low.
> For example:
> 1. The young guys who want a cougar.
> 2. The way older guys who get attached too quickly (after their own divorce)
> 3. The within-our-age-range guys who love being bachelors and just want to play the field.
> 
> 
> Why don't you play the field a bit? Find out what you like sexually, find out what YOU want in a man not what they want.
> 
> Do not attach yourself too quickly.
> 
> Just my thoughts. Good luck!~


-------------------------------------

Well put had it pegged, #2. Thanks for the luck, definitely need to work on the attachment I just need to get out of the old fashion sensibility that a lady doesn't play the field...how I grew up. I didn't want to fall into a pattern of goldylocksing myway into the 40s then again is it so bad..others can chime in here


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## arandomlady

SunCMars said:


> This hurts. What is it, that you think they were referring to [not getting from you]. If may be something unreasonable. Or not.
> 
> I can guess, but would rather hear it from you.


-----------------

Well the way I understood it from this one is I didn't show enough love, affection, missing him when away and being happy enough when he returned, general longing for him sort of thing... then he walked it back because he didnt want tobreak up over it just wanted me to change..thing is I just dont think I'm programmed to respond the way he wanted.


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## arandomlady

nice777guy said:


> Wait...what???
> 
> @arondomlady - have you tried being alone much post divorce? Thought the common advice was to take a year or so and just work on yourself - which is hard to do if you are dating.


---------------

yes I had a period of separation and being alone before I relocated so there was down time..not year mind you didnt think I needed that long...I had a long thread all about the unraveling of the marriage in the other forum area. I had worked through it and been clear in my dealings with guys I was meeting hadnt really intended on even being serious just sort evolved...

I am ok with being alone but I always believed life is enriched when sharing it with a companion, its apparent now that I need to reframe my beliefs


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## arandomlady

Mclane said:


> I wouldn't wait, I'd drop him a text or call, if he doesn't pick up leave a clear message, whatever way you contact him keep it short and simple and say you would appreciated if he packs your stuff up and you'll stop over on xxx day at xxx time to pick them up and it's fine if he leaves them -insert safe and convenient place here -
> 
> Don't sweat protocol, you don't care about him and what he thinks and what's the 'cool' way to handle it, you just want your stuff back and be done with it.


----------------------
we have done this. problem now is he keeps saying we should try again this after letters stuff exchanged etc. I have not responded. its been about a month and get weekly email (i blocked messages and calls on my phone)


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## arandomlady

EnjoliWoman said:


> There's the problem. You don't want to be alone. If you aren't OK with the possibility of living your life alone then you are going to settle for relationships that are, on the surface OK, but where you aren't deeply compatible.
> 
> I'm 10 years older and I've been there and had a first rebound relationship that hurt more than the marriage because it made me full of self-doubt. After that, it was 100% better once I embraced the possibility. Still singe? Yup. Very happy? Yup. Dating someone? Kinda. But either way I know I'll be fine and happy.
> 
> So visualize how it can still be good alone. Think about the things you want to do and when you get saddened at the thought of doing them alone, think of the possibility. Single? That means flexible to adapt to whatever adventure comes your way! Develop or maintain close female friends and do things with them.
> 
> There's still lots of time.


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Yes thank you I had to really work on getting female friends when I relocated since so much of the camaraderie and togetherness can be beneficial. I like the freedom of living alone and no need to check in with anyone and made a pretty daunting move by myself to place pretty isolated and didnt know anyone so I could purposefully start fresh. I just got myself serious too quickly with the wrong guy for wrong reasons


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## 3Xnocharm

arandomlady said:


> -----------------
> 
> Well the way I understood it from this one is I didn't show enough love, affection, missing him when away and being happy enough when he returned, general longing for him sort of thing... then he walked it back because he didnt want tobreak up over it just wanted me to change..thing is I just dont think I'm programmed to respond the way he wanted.


Well, if this is true, then he wasn't the one for you. When you are with someone who you are really into, all of this just comes naturally. 

Unless you are truly not an affectionate person? Are you always this way? If so then this is something that you need to be up front about when you start dating someone. You need someone who is the same way, otherwise this will keep happening.


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## arandomlady

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, if this is true, then he wasn't the one for you. When you are with someone who you are really into, all of this just comes naturally.
> 
> Unless you are truly not an affectionate person? Are you always this way? If so then this is something that you need to be up front about when you start dating someone. You need someone who is the same way, otherwise this will keep happening.


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That's the thing, I know I am affectionate, I dont like alot of pda but other than that, I'd say average. No I tried to force a match that just wasnt there. I was really into this other guy I met before him but he ended up going back to the mainland. Now that I have reflected on my actions a bit, I am staring to think this was a rebound :surprise:


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## SunCMars

arandomlady said:


> -----------------
> 
> [He] just wanted me to change..thing is I just don't think I'm programmed to respond the way he wanted.


You arrived at being "exactly" correct but do not YET know it.

Maybe you do.

He thinks, acts and feels a certain way...you another.

This boils down to being compatible with any would-be partner. You were not, Eh?

This is the dance of life. All living things respond to life [stimuli] differently. Humans are no different in this variance.

The problem is, most folks "personalize" these differences. 

They take offense and get hurt [wrapped around the axle] over every day interaction that does not go "their" way.

Wisdom helps us get past the lack of sight in other people. The wise understand, but they [the wise] are in the minority. They get vetoed and ridiculed in the Court of Common Affairs.

Problem? Wisdom is elusive and is not easily "teachable".

Solution? Find a wise and tolerant companion.

Yeah, good luck with that. I wish you good luck.

Do not give up on companionship. Avoid big egos.

Big egos unfortunately have the most pheromones in their chemistry sets.


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