# How do you get them to stop nagging you?



## Chopblock

Its getting worse...

She thinks she has to nag me because I won't do anything otherwise.

I maintain that I DO take care of a LOT on my own, and that she takes all that I do for granted.

I'm tired of talking about it, because discussion is always a deadlock between these two views. "You won't do anything if I don't remind you". "Yes I will, but its not fair for you to get mad if things aren't already done the second you want them to be".

Has anybody managed to eliminate nagging or is it just something I'm always going to have to smile and nod and put up with until I'm deaf or dead?

Note: please do not say that the solution is to "get everything done before she has to ask you". While that is a noble goal, its also like saying "just earn more money and your money problems will go away" or "just get smarter and you'll be able to pass the course".


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## MarkTwain

Chopblock-

I feel a bit disingenuous about what I said in your other thread. All those techniques only work after the basic platform is in place. The platform is unflinching firmness. 

So if she nags you unfairly, you would say "I am not going to listen to your nagging" or you could tickle her. And then if she goes on, you just walk out of the room, and out of the house if necessary. When you come back, make sure you have a smile on your face like you "know something". 

The trick is to reject the nagging without letting the atmosphere get heavy. You will need to employ that as well as the walking off, otherwise a sex strike will surely follow.

Cone seems to have got somewhere on this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...my-wife-s-words-do-not-match-her-actions.html see post #49

But here's a thing: If you walk out on a nag session - she will be desperate to chase you to finish the conversation. Chasing is chasing. You can turn this to your advantage. Experiment. Try walking slowly away, try running fast. There will be an optimum speed where she will follow you all round the house. Once you start smiling and laughing, she might just join in.

Chopblock - I am desperate to see you win this one - you deserve it. I feel it helps if you can see it as game. She is going to act the nagging wife, and you are going to play the defusing husband, that's what I would do.

The other thing about me is that I am crystal clear that if I got the "sex weapon" used on me, I would pack my bags. I did not get married to be celibate. Nobody does, but when a woman wants to force that on her hubby, a lot of guys just roll over. When a woman sees that you will not only roll over, but it hurts you immensely, they know they have a weapon they can use and re-use repeatedly.

If you were prepared to move out the next time it is used, and you make this known, then you have your line in the sand. Once it is crossed you must deliver. It's a bit like tactical nukes! When each side knows it's mutually assured destruction, neither side wants to threaten to use it. Hints might be given, but nothing more.

Off course it's a sad day when things get to this, marriage should not be like a war. That is why I put so much into writing about the cheerful flirty stuff because it's a positive "weapon" for trouble shooting.


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## Andrea

There is no "winning" in situations like this. Its all about compromising.

From a female's point of view, I shouldnt have to feel like your mother asking you to clean up your room. For example, I know in my marriage, the few times I nag it is because i have asked repeatedly to change out a light bulb that i cant reach. WEEKS go by and the same damn burnt out bulb is still there. Another example, I broke the track a kitchen drawer uses. I asked him to fix it. He said ok, I will. a whole month goes by and nothing is done. I asked him once a week to fix it. So i fix it myself, like i shoudlve done in the first place. He gets mad at me for fixing! lol 

So now when i ask him to do things around the house, i usually ask within a time frame. So far thats been working. "Honey, can you fix the kitchen sink within the next day? Thanks!" 

Trust me, I HATE to nag but sometimes i feel like its necessary to get things done. I HATE HATE HATE HATE NAGGING. uugghh!


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## Dancing Nancie

Chopblock said:


> Its getting worse...
> 
> She thinks she has to nag me because I won't do anything otherwise.
> 
> I maintain that I DO take care of a LOT on my own, and that she takes all that I do for granted.
> 
> I'm tired of talking about it, because discussion is always a deadlock between these two views. "You won't do anything if I don't remind you". "Yes I will, but its not fair for you to get mad if things aren't already done the second you want them to be".
> 
> Has anybody managed to eliminate nagging or is it just something I'm always going to have to smile and nod and put up with until I'm deaf or dead?
> 
> Note: please do not say that the solution is to "get everything done before she has to ask you". While that is a noble goal, its also like saying "just earn more money and your money problems will go away" or "just get smarter and you'll be able to pass the course".



My wife got irritated when I would put things off. I would stop listening to her nag, and wouldn't do it. So once she expressed how much this bothered her we worked something out.

We have a dry erase board over our computer. I asked her to write down anything she wants me to do on there. I make sure to take a peek at the board every couple days. I know what she wants done, and she doesn't have to say anything. I like not hearing her nag. You would have to ask her if things are getting done to her liking...


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## Chopblock

---ut sometimes i feel like its necessary to get things done---

Yes, I get that -- I get that some women feel that they HAVE to nag or else <thing> will not get done.

What I DO NOT get is that often those same women take a lot for granted. For example, if you've nagged him to fix the light bulb, and he constantly forgets because he is doing other chores, working, cooking, cleaning, helping with the kid... whatever... 

When you STILL nag at that point, he starts to feel like there is no point in helping because you are never satisfied.

Its MY house.

I guess what frustrates me most is that I don't feel like I get my due encouragement. Its like if I do 9/10 things, I'll get crap for missing the 1/10, and I'll be made to feel like i failed 10/10.

Maybe I should go on strike.

I completely i agree I do need to draw a line. I'm disgusted to admit that I know where gf's lines are and I wouldn't cross them, but I have FAILED to do the same. It is disgusting to look in the mirror sometimes knowing how much junk I let happen.

The time frame idea is OK, but I HATE being made to feel like I'm reporting to a boss. If she says "can you get it done by.... 9pm?" then I immediately want to push back because if something happens between now and 9 that prevents me from doing it, then I have to hear her self fulfilling "oh well I GAVE you extra time, I didn't nag you and see, SEE SEE!!! YOU didn't do what YOU were SUPPOSED TO DO, so you can't tell me that 'you'll get to it'"


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## Chopblock

---My wife got irritated when I would put things off.---

For a while, I even tried putting nothing off, and doing everything she wanted when she asked.

You know that phrase "when you put everyone else first, YOU come LAST"? Yeah, thats the truth.

I may discuss the possibility of a dry erase board with her, but there would have to be a limit to how many things were on it at once, and there would ABSOLUTELY have to be a clause that writing something on the board does NOT absolve her of any and all responsibility.

If the board gets abused, and it just becomes a dumping ground for any and every insignificant little task, then the thing will have defeated itself.


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## Chopblock

Eh, its all my fault for not being tough from the beginning. From day one I should have made her know that the slightest irritation and I'd boot her ass, then I wouldn't be here today. If she was more insecure, and not confident she could get away with this garbage...


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## swedish

Chopblock said:


> I may discuss the possibility of a dry erase board with her, but there would have to be a limit to how many things were on it at once, and there would ABSOLUTELY have to be a clause that writing something on the board does NOT absolve her of any and all responsibility.


I wouldn't give free reign on the erase board...she can put things on it, but it should be your call to put a due date or an i'm not gonna do  and it should work both ways


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## MarkTwain

Chopblock said:


> I completely i agree I do need to draw a line. I'm disgusted to admit that I know where gf's lines are and I wouldn't cross them, but I have FAILED to do the same. It is disgusting to look in the mirror sometimes knowing how much junk I let happen.


Alright, you have finally come out and said it in the above quote. So my question is why is this the case?


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## Blanca

I used to nag my H a lot. I used to expect him to do something because i thought he should. He also has a hard time saying no to me. but we both started doing a boundaries workbook together and ive learned a lot from it. i'll ask him to do something but i realize its me that wants it done so its not fair to expect him to do it. maybe you two could do a boundaries workbook together? i dont know if she'd be up for it.


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## brad

MarkTwain said:


> Chopblock-
> 
> 
> The other thing about me is that I am crystal clear that if I got the "sex weapon" used on me, I would pack my bags. I did not get married to be celibate. Nobody does, but when a woman wants to force that on her hubby, a lot of guys just roll over. When a woman sees that you will not only roll over, but it hurts you immensely, they know they have a weapon they can use and re-use repeatedly.
> 
> If you were prepared to move out the next time it is used, and you make this known, then you have your line in the sand. Once it is crossed you must deliver. It's a bit like tactical nukes! When each side knows it's mutually assured destruction, neither side wants to threaten to use it. Hints might be given, but nothing more.
> 
> .


Boy does that hit home Mark. It makes so much sense to read that. I got married late (36) simply because I talked to a lot of guys whose wives cut them off. I thought it was a good reason to not get married. 

But my only problem with your solution is your basically threatening the entire relationship. My wife told me to never do that.

sorry chopblock to highjack your thread. Back to your point. I leave signs on a table in the garage that says "do not leave coffee mugs on the table". I did this because asking did nothing. Well the sign did nothing either. I think it's a passive aggressive form of getting "back at you" for whatever is troubling her. 

I think nagging to some degree is part of the DNA of women. I also agree with you that you can never remove all the objects of nagging. They would invent things if they could. Life is full of stuff you can be nagged over. I do agree with MT that you can not let it get empowered by the other person. It's like jealousy. YOu just dont play the game and eventually it will subside somewhat.


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## brad

mommy22 said:


> My only question is this: When she nags, does she know you're listening? Sometimes people say the same thing over and over because the person they're talking to doesn't act like they hear them or give any response. I get irritated with my kids when I ask them to do something and I get no response. I expect to hear "Yes, I understand" or something to know they heard me. I'm not saying this is the case. I'm NOT taking her side. I just wanted to throw that one in there to see if you ever give a verbal response or if you shut down.


You keep nagging and the person shuts you out, your kids included. It's actually telling YOU something not the other way around.


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## Dancing Nancie

ljtseng said:


> I used to nag my H a lot. I used to expect him to do something because i thought he should. He also has a hard time saying no to me. but we both started doing a boundaries workbook together and ive learned a lot from it. i'll ask him to do something but i realize its me that wants it done so its not fair to expect him to do it. maybe you two could do a boundaries workbook together? i dont know if she'd be up for it.


Can you tell me where to find the boundary workbook?


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## MarkTwain

brad said:


> But my only problem with your solution is your basically threatening the entire relationship. My wife told me to never do that.


You see, that's because she is clever. She knows that this is where your power lies, so she says "don't you dare".

But actually her threat is empty. If you decide to give an ultimatum, it is already done in the knowledge that she may say "pack your bags". 

What more could there be? It's like saying to someone, don't commit suicide or I'll kill you!

And if she is hinting at even worse consequences, like making your life a living hell, you'll be better off without her anyway.


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## Blanca

Dancing Nancie said:


> Can you tell me where to find the boundary workbook?


I read a couple.

_Boundaries in Marriage_ by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. there's a book and a workbook. 

I also read Dr.Phil's _Relationship Rescue_ and got the workbook. i did this on my own, though.

You can find both of them at amazon.


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## pigpen

I get that no one likes to be nagged.
But when are we women supposed to figure out when you mean business?
How are we supposed to figure out when you will do things if you don't tell us? A simple - yeah, it's on the list. I will get to it on Saturday (or whatever), with follow through, helps a lot.

My husband complains that I nag him. But I dont say a word until the repair has not been done for weeks. Then I mention it again. 
He still calls me a nag. And tells me he would get it done if I didnt nag all the time. <eyeroll>

Be sure your idea of "nag" actually fits the situation. If you are lazy that does not make her a "nag".


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## Chopblock

---I used to expect him to do something because i thought he should.---

I sure with that worked both ways. "I expect you to cook and give me lovin' on demand, so thats why you should". hehehehehe

---You keep nagging and the person shuts you out, your kids included. It's actually telling YOU something not the other way around.---

Yeah I've told her this too -- that nagging people makes them more likely to shut you out, so that its made clear that nagging doesn't work. Nags don't get this, they feel they are reasonable.

At the end of the day thats what it comes down to. If she sees nothing wrong with her actions, then there is no need to change.


---If I want something done, I do it myself.---

You are the exception to the rule, believe me. out of curiosity (and this is important), when you DO do something yourself, do you harbor resent or irritation at your husband for not doing it for you?

---But when are we women supposed to figure out when you mean business?---

It depends entirely on what you've both done in the interim. If he's doing other work, leave him be and let him relax. If its something that is really just for you, then either do it yourself, or if you MUST make him do it, be prepared to do something for him that is "just for him".


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## Blanca

pigpen said:


> My husband complains that I nag him. But I dont say a word until the repair has not been done for weeks. Then I mention it again.
> He still calls me a nag. And tells me he would get it done if I didnt nag all the time. <eyeroll>
> 
> Be sure your idea of "nag" actually fits the situation. If you are lazy that does not make her a "nag".


Calling someone lazy implies that everyone should do what you think they should do. They arent lazy. Maybe they just enjoy a different lifestyle that conflicts with how you think they _should_ be. If you want your spouse to do something, leave a written list on the fridge. If they dont do it then they dont want to. And they dont have to. It doenst make them lazy, disrespectful, or rude. It makes them an individual, independent of what you think they _should_ be doing.


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## pigpen

ljtseng said:


> Calling someone lazy implies that everyone should do what you think they should do. They arent lazy. Maybe they just enjoy a different lifestyle that conflicts with how you think they _should_ be. If you want your spouse to do something, leave a written list on the fridge. If they dont do it then they dont want to. And they dont have to. It doenst make them lazy, disrespectful, or rude. It makes them an individual, independent of what you think they _should_ be doing.


I wish it were that simple. The fact is, a home is a community.
If individuals don't work together to keep that community a healthy and happy place then its just a bunch of people co-habitating and probably living in conflict.
I got married because I was ready to grow up and create that community. I got married to the man I did because I thought he wanted the same kind of community I did.
The "individuals with conflicting lifestyles" is a cop out and an excuse not to even try.


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## carmaenforcer

I don't know that all women do this, my ex didn't really nag me at all but then again we had a great sex life too, so maybe I subconsciously just did my part because she did hers.

*Chopblock* you said jokingly


> "I expect you to cook and give me lovin' on demand, so thats why you should". hehehehehe


But this is and should be true for everyone. FAIRNESS PEOPLE!

Don't expect someone to do what you want, when you want it, unless you are willing to do the same in return.

My Wife nags all the time and I don't care, I just ignore her most of the time because I know it's just one of those annoying things women do. She also plain doesn't acknowledge things that I do, and I do a lot, that get on my nerves and makes me not want to do stuff anymore. 

She tried nagging me about something just last night and said that I deserve to be punished for this thing she claims I did wrong. I just told her, "you don't have the right to expect anything from me until you start taking care of me". 
She laughed about it and said "I know, I know", whatever the hell that means, she knows I'm right and just shut the hell up.

I kind of like not getting it (sex) as often or as good as I would like, especially since my Wife knows it, I don't have to do stuff that she would like for me to do and her nagging or threats hold no importance or weight. 
I'm allowed to fall short of expectations as a husband and she has no right to complain, since she sucks too. Dis-functional works as long as it's fair.

I see it this way, if I'm to pay for sex with emotional crap that has nothing to do with the act of sex, then she has to pay for whatever she expects in whatever manner I choose, no matter how not related the two things.

Next time she asks you "when are you going to clean the garage?" You tell her "right after you blow me!", she wont like it for sure but who cares really.


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## Blanca

pigpen said:


> If individuals don't work together to keep that community a healthy and happy place then its just a bunch of people co-habitating and probably living in conflict.


Nagging does create a community out of harmony. There is nothing healthy or happy about being nagged. Whoever is being nagged will feel resentful and passive aggressive, if not just out right aggressive. The person nagging will also feel resentful and become extremely passive aggressive. This does not lead to a happy community. 



pigpen said:


> I got married to the man I did because I thought he wanted the same kind of community I did.


This is really where the conflict comes in to play. You think he _should_ want the kind of community you want. But ask yourself, why should he do things the way you want him to? If this is your thinking, then cant he turn your own logic on you- you should want to do things his way? With this kind of logic, you'll both just end up in grid lock.

Instead of thinking ones spouse should want the kind of community one wants, respect what they actually want. Once the spouse feels more respected and validated, they will actually be much more willing to compromise. Respecting others is what leads to a happy community. Not forcing one's own ideas on another.


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## Chopblock

---But this is and should be true for everyone. FAIRNESS PEOPLE!---

This really is one of the central points. I take care of things that I want myself, and I get irritated when she chooses to try and not do the same. Its not that I mind giving things once in a while, what annoys me is the expectation that it be done her way, on her timetable.

---The "individuals with conflicting lifestyles" is a cop out and an excuse not to even try.---

There is nothing wrong with valuing things differently. For example, you may love a clean house, but your husband might rather spend the time doing something fun with YOU instead of just cleaning. I feel like cleaning is endless and while I don't believe in letting hte house become a pigsty, I would rather spend my all-too-limited weekend time WITH GF instead of just cleaning the same junk over and over again.

---A simple - yeah, it's on the list. I will get to it on Saturday (or whatever), with follow through, helps a lot.---

I get that follow through is very important. In many situations I've encountered, BOTH parties feel like the victim. He feels like he has to resist or else she'll nag more. She feels like if she doesn't nag, things won't get done.

The more I think about this, the more attractive some kind of list is becoming. She'll feel like her requests are visible, but I also want to be able to show just how much I've done. I get sick of everything I do fading into complete obscurity, totally overshadowed by what hasn't been done yet.

Women also need to accept that if they do not give men encouragement and positive feedback for the things men DO accomplish, that men very quickly learn there is no point in trying.


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## MarkTwain

chopblock-
Can I have a comment on my post #9?


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## Blanca

Chopblock said:


> Women also need to accept that if they do not give men encouragement and positive feedback for the things men DO accomplish, that men very quickly learn there is no point in trying.


I dont think this principle applies just for women. Generally people will respond better if their individual efforts are acknowledged and not the efforts that they fall short on by someone else's standards.


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## swedish

:iagree:

I have also been used to doing everything myself (being divorced with three young children) so I'm just now to the point where I've learned to ask for help and appreciate all of the help I get. 

One thing I don't do (because it would irritate me if it were done to me) is to complain about how things are done if they are not done the way I'm used to doing them. I think that's the trap some fall into--it just stirs up bad feelings when you are doing the best you can with good intentions and then get a negative response from your partner.


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## GAsoccerman

*** I did not read any of the previious posts, I am just answering the "topic" question with humor"


------Duct tape???


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## Chopblock

---Can I have a comment on my post #9?---

You want to know why this is the case? I was an idiot. I should have, from day one, drawn a line, and said "when you cross it, you're fired". I didn't, and now the line that is drawn is so far away from where it probably should be, that even though it does exist, it is pretty far away.

Also, cuz I really don't think I'll get a better deal anywhere else. We do fit each other pretty well overall. Although I see women who "seem" better, I am not so naive that I believe the grass is really greener. Sure, another girl may not nag, but she might have an insane family, or might expect to go clubbing thurs-sun, or whatever. I mean, I am happy with her overall. We have our problems, many of which (judging by issues posted here) seem pretty normal.

---thinking "great what does she need this time"---

Yeah, I've been there. Some days even hearing my name makes me tense. I feel a bit silly when there isn't anything to be tense about.

---it just stirs up bad feelings when you are doing the best you can with good intentions and then get a negative response from your partner.---

Bingo! Women don't GET IT! If you nag him to do something, and then complain that he doesn't do it your way, he is not going to want to do anything for you. That just furthers the "ugh I have to do everything myself" attitude.

Whenever this comes up, never use the word 'right' to refer to her way, merely call it "her way".


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## carmaenforcer

*swedish *



> ask for help and appreciate all of the help I get.


Doing stuff for someone that is ungrateful does not feel nice.

And



> One thing I don't do (because it would irritate me if it were done to me)


Not doing stuff that You would not want done to You. 
Words to live by.

:iagree: with your whole post but I really liked this.

*GAsoccerman*



> ------Duct tape???


:rofl: 

I wonder if that's something some men have actually considered at one point in time. I would have though some sort of micky in the morning OJ or something like that, but duct tape would probably work just as good I guess. j/k


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## GAsoccerman

so tell us Mommy...what do you do with your duct tape??? our curiousity has been arroused to say the least??


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## swedish

she would love to tell you but she is having a duct tape issue and can't talk right now


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## swedish

I see daddy22 stocking up on duct tape in the near future


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## Chopblock

See now, for the rest of us who actually have to seriously consider using duct tape to stop our nagging partners... this is KILLING US! We would LOVE to be in a position where duct tape is a toy with fun uses. 

Sadly, our partners are so "frustrated that they have to nag us in order to get us to do simple things" that they would be way too tense to consider getting into the mood, let alone playing with duct tape"

I fully understand that frustration causes problems like this. Its not that she dislikes "play", more that she just can't relax and get into the mood because she is tense that she has to nag me to get me to do anything. I of course am tense from feeling like I do a ton and still get nagged (though as a man, when play comes up I can turn that off instantly, whereas women have a harder time making that transition).

Just a sad truth...


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## carmaenforcer

*Chopblock*
These truths are sad if you think about it as just how we are as humans (our nature as MEN and WOMEN) and can't do anything about it. The same argument can be made for men and cheating or any of the other MAN things we do that women want us to change. We as men have the same right to say, "deal with it! It's a guy thing!". 
How many women will accept that honestly?

I think it boils down to taking responsibility for your actions no matter what motivated them. I mean, we all understand and agree that women (just by their nature) need more effort to get them in the mood, but women also have to stop adding to the list of stuff to get through to get to the sex. The day will come for all of us men, no matter how much we love our women or how horny we are, that it will simply be too much effort and we will just stop trying all together and possibly for some, go elsewhere.

Unless you are truly that hot and worth the head aches, you will end up putting too high of a price on your sex and it will be cheaper (easier) to go elsewhere or to just say no thank you.

This is basic logic, but is somehow still not understood. That is the truly sad part, I think.


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## Chopblock

---you will end up putting too high of a price on your sex and it will be cheaper (easier) to go elsewhere or to just say no thank you.---

This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE, and this is why I always tell people that if your spouse just suddenly stops fighting you and/or starts taking a complete "meh" attitude, that THAT is the time to be afraid because it means he/she is moving on.

---women also have to stop adding to the list of stuff to get through to get to the sex---

I agree with this too. Every day that goes by, she makes it harder, and you know what? Its a CHOICE! She CHOOSES to allow these things to get to her. She CHOOSES to insist that something is "so important" that it has to be done now, and it has to be done her way. She CHOOSES to believe that unreasonable demands are perfectly fine.

I only acknowledge a SMALL amount of truth to the argument that by allowing this to happen, I have chosen to accept it. One could justify some pretty awful behavior on the grounds of "nobody told me no" if that argument was allowed to run rampant.

On a positive note, it has gotten a bit better lately. I haven't been nagged as much. Maybe there isn't as much to do -- maybe I did it all, maybe she's relaxed... who knows. I know it'll happen again, the nagging gene can't be killed (except by total perfection, and lets face it that isn't going to happen).


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## swedish

Chopblock said:


> I agree with this too. Every day that goes by, she makes it harder, and you know what? Its a CHOICE! She CHOOSES to allow these things to get to her. She CHOOSES to insist that something is "so important" that it has to be done now, and it has to be done her way. She CHOOSES to believe that unreasonable demands are perfectly fine.


Why do you think she chooses to do this? Just reading your post, I sense that it's not constant, but when she is in this mode, is it when she is stressed or things seem out of control for her at work or otherwise? I'm just wondering if she subconsciously uses this to gain some control in her life when she's feeling inadequate.

Kinda like the bully at school who seems to control the playground but when he's home he's taking a beating from his older brother and not that scary kid he feels he needs to be at school.

Just a thought.


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## Chopblock

---Why do you think she chooses to do this?---

Who knows.... I am going to start using the words "choose to get upset about" rather than "get upset about" and see if that makes a difference. I think there are a lot of random little things that a person could choose to stop getting angry at.

Maybe the frustration comes from a lack of feeling of control. Not control as in total domination, merely control as in "order and serenity".

I mean, I can choose to get upset about things I can't control... people parking where they shouldn't, trains getting delayed, accidents on the road making me late... OK I don't control those... but I could also choose to stop being upset about things I can control, like clutter in the house, or small messes.

Some days also, I think some people just like being grumpy, and enjoy working themselves up over nothing. I really am convinced some people are happiest when they are venting and complaining and it gives them joy to try and soak up the "poor yous".


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## freeshias4me

I know that men hate being nagged, and I've seen in the past where I would have come across to him as being a nag, so I try to keep check of MYSELF, wording things better, having a kinder tone to my voice.
I also ask my mom of all things, how I might word something that's bothering me! (She's a "mouse", so she'd know how to word something better than me)

I agree with the person who said that it's good to ask within a timeframe, because then I ask him: "Do you think we can get the pool drained this Sunday or next? Because it's getting colder out, and ifthe liner freezes, it can be damaged"

Or I ask him: "When you get a chance maybe today or tomorrow, could you....... , because then I don't have to worry about (say, tripping down the stairs, or having a fould smell in the kitchen)

I always add the "because", then he realizes WHY it's important to get done!


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## okeydokie

i merely counter nagging with my own nagging.

my wife always has many unfinished projects or chores. if she brings something up for me to do i just say i will get it done when you do chore X. 
I do quite a bit around the house (yardwork, pool maintenance, repairs, etc..), she is by choice a stay at home mom. She has piles of useless junk everywhere and in my opinion has zero room to tell me anything.

if i was a lazy slob then thats a different matter


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## oceanbreeze

wow reading this made me think of my relationship dynamics. at times when i dont see anything get done then i realize i do nag a bit, but it's when i dont that my fiance begins to worry. he begins to worry if there is something wrong if i "act" like i dont care and then he more than enthusiastic to do it. but that was in the past. now he i just say something and he thinks it over and does it. i always appreciate and say thank you to him, because i realized over the years how sensitive he is and really takes on to appreciation and praise. 

growing up my mom always did everything and i mean everything in raising us, working, being involved. my dad, however, did not do anything except punish us if we annoyed him or if we really did deserve it for misbehaving. my father would always nag about my mom nagging, but when i think about it, he NEVER did anything for the family. my mom could be a motor mouth for 20 years they were married and he would not do ANYTHING. 

right now we are having familial problems with two of my siblings. so he is back in the house to watch them even though they are divorced. but the more i listen to him and the more i see my father everyday, the more i hear him being the one nagging. all the memories over the past years i realize that it was HE who was always nagging and i could never understand why he nags, because he never does anything. he never cleaned, cooked once in a blue moon when he was hungry because he ate ALL the food my mom made for my siblings and myself, did not give any allowance to anyone not even my mom and somehow, he was always nagging. i realize now that he nags more than ever and actually throws a tantrum. 

this post does not apply to anyone, but my own situation and a reflection of my memories, but yet nagging can go both ways.


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## Chopblock

I do agree that some kind of time frame is reasonable, so long as between then and now, I'm not saddled with OTHER things that prevent me from completing the job.

I am MUCH more apt to help out when I am not being asked to do anything. Its not like I aim to sit on the couch and do nothing, but I just feel this tension inside me the moment I'm asked to do something.... its like I WANT to resist, purely because I'm asked.

She has been helping out a lot more lately, which I appreciate. I think she is finally seeing that nagging doesn't "work". Sure, I may do the thing just to shut her up, but I'll do it as quickly as possible and cut as many corners as possible, and do the absolute bare minimum to get it done.

I'm glad to see though that some have employed creative and positive, mutual, solutions to the problems, and that its not just either waiting for the nagging person to change herself, or locking yourselves into an endless downward spiral of "I'll change when YOU change".


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## husbandinthemking

Dancing Nancie said:


> My wife got irritated when I would put things off. I would stop listening to her nag, and wouldn't do it. So once she expressed how much this bothered her we worked something out.
> 
> We have a dry erase board over our computer. I asked her to write down anything she wants me to do on there. I make sure to take a peek at the board every couple days. I know what she wants done, and she doesn't have to say anything. I like not hearing her nag. You would have to ask her if things are getting done to her liking...


It is not the dry erase board that made her happy, it is the fact that you listened to her feelings on the subject.

As a man you "fixed" the situation, as a woman she thinks you listened to her. That is a win-win situation.

As far as your topic is concerned, you are looking at the way your wife communicates as "nagging". What is nagging to a man is communication as a woman. You need to be able to see through the nagging.

Here is an example of the wrong way:

"Can you please take this garbage out?" - Wife

"Not right now. I'm busy." - Reply

"That's great... You are so lazy and you never help out when I need you to." - Wife

"What? Are you kidding me? I help out all the time! Blah... Blah... Blah..." -Reply

And I bet a fight starts, right?

Here is an example of the correct way:

"Can you please take this garbage out?" - Wife

"Sure I can. Would it be ok if I do it in about an hour?" - Reply

"I really need it out now. It smells real bad." - Wife

"I hear you. No problem. Anything for you." - Reply

Now, I bet that man that just agreed to help his wife is going to get some attention that night. 
The other man that was defensive is going to get nothing but a cold shoulder and a nasty attitude.

So, let me ask you this, which man do you want to be?


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## Chopblock

---So, let me ask you this, which man do you want to be?---

The guy whose wife recognizes that I won't allow nagging to work, and who figures out that if she really wants me to see to her needs, she'll see to mine.

Nagging has gone away for hte most part, and we are going to try the board idea.

Lately, the problem has more been a "passing the buck" of sorts. It seems like she asks me to do every minor little task. Like she'll walk by a spill on the counter and say "can you wipe that up", then into the other room and ask me to move a pile of papers, or something.


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## communicator

My husband says that i nag at him, he is right. After I have asked him to do something twice, nicely and he is still on the computer or in front of the t.v. or whatever, yes, I get annoyed and I do sound naggy. Yet, he expects things done for him at a certain time. there are certain things we need help with right at that exact moment, some things we need help with at some time and other things we don't even bother to ask for help with because it's not worth the effort to get him to do it.If I am asking for help with something at that moment and it takes 2 minutes of time, why not just sacrifice what you are doing at that time to help out. if it's going to prevent nagging or fighting, why not just offer to help or go and help when asked nicely the first time. Prioritize. When we got married, he didn't marry hockey, he married me. Then at the end of the night, he wonders why i dont want to get intimate. Believe me, i want to have sex, but I am so afr from feeling a connection with him because he hasn't seemed to help me emotionally at all, except to have gotten annoyed about me excepting help. I am not turned on....(usually) by him taking his clothes off, like he is with me. For me, intamacy at night starts first thing in the morning. So why do we fight when Im not in the mood when I actually do want sex, because he cant take back time and do it right all over again and he knows he didnt do it right from the start. i did my part, i cleaned all day, especially right before he got home from work, i cleaned myself up so i would look beautiful for him, i cooked supper, i did his laundry, I made his lunch. In fact, i thought about him in almost everything I did, all day long, how it would affect him, will he like this for supper, does he like my hair ike this, does he like this color on me. Anyways, i said all that to say this.... When I ask for help with something and i need it right that minute, not after the hockey game or after hes done with facebook, i think I deserve those 2 minutes right then and when he wont help me, I feel cheated and unworthy. I guess its up to me to communicate that, but up to him to stand up and be the man he promised to be at the alter.


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## swedish

I agree with you to some extent, but I also think there are basic differences between men and women...Men are better at focusing and women are better at multi-tasking. Just understanding this has helped me to be less critical. I can be cooking dinner, answering the phone, helping the kids with homework and watching the news on tv at the same time without even thinking about it. If my husband is focused on something, whether it's a football game or a project he becomes distracted/bothered if I interrupt him...it does bother him. If I ask him when he's not focused on something else, he's more than happy to help. As a mom with a million things to do, sometimes it means doing it myself if I don't want to wait or leaving it until later and getting something else done...but not resenting him for it makes a huge difference...just accepting that we are different...and he does show me he loves me each day...that means more than jumping whenever I say jump.


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## StrongEnough

My husband is the nagger at our house. He constantly needs me to make the phone calls or arrangements etc. For example, today I need to call about the furniture being fixed (new, under warranty). He called me at 7:30 am to tell me, then at 9:30 and asked me about it again at 12. At that time, I finally did it to get him to shut the heck up. Then I called him back and told him it was done and to get off my ass about it. In my defense, I just had surgery and was off work on Friday, so I had a HUGE workload this morning when I came in and just had not found the time to call. Nine times out of ten when he is persistant and nags, I just refuse. I understand how the men on here feel.


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## Blanca

I think my H and I do an equal amount of nagging each other. He told me what bothers him is I have no problem telling him I dont feel like doing whatever it is he asked me to do. If he throws a fit, or keeps nagging me, I just give him the 'whatever dude' attitude. I think it comes naturally to me as I am the youngest of five girls and on top of that my mom was a huge nag. I basically grew up with five moms! So Im used to saying no in a non-confrontational, non obligatory way, dealing with the attitude, and moving on. He on the other hand, feels guilty and resentful b/c he feels compelled to do what I ask.


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## MsLady

> I am MUCH more apt to help out when I am not being asked to do anything. Its not like I aim to sit on the couch and do nothing, but I just feel this tension inside me the moment I'm *asked *to do something.... *its like I WANT to resist, purely because I'm asked*.





> Sure, I may do the thing just to shut her up, but I'll do it as quickly as possible and cut as many corners as possible, and do the absolute bare minimum to get it done.


These statements really stood out to me. I think the cycle of nagging-wife, annoyed husband is NOT usually one or the other partners' fault. It's a tango both parties have to dance. Sometimes it might start with one person, but if the other jumps on board, then both are doing it.

Above you make it clear that you have some deep gut reaction to being asked to do something that makes you want to rebel. Rebellion against authority. Contempt against authority. Sometimes when we come with that into a marriage, our partners' requests are heard as commands and we lock up ASAP or get passive-aggressive about how we do the task.

It sucks that your wifes nags and she shouldn't do it. BUT have you looked at yourself and whether you have created some of that nagging by passive-aggressively rejecting her requests straight away?

I think the dry erase board is a great idea. Not just a board for her to write down chores for you, but for you BOTH to write down things that need to get done around the house. Then you are both responsible for looking at the list and getting to things when you can, with a good heart to do truly get to it soon.

I have to say that I'm highly adverse to the nagging-wife syndrome. My mother was a miserable nag. She had some right to be given my dad's agency, but she still made us all awfully unhappy with her *****ing and nagging - I vowed to not be that kind of wife. Even with that vow, it's a lot of work to keep myself in check. But being a nagging wife is an unhappy thing for the wife too. 

What I do to avoid nagging: 

1) I think about the things that *I* haven't gotten done. Once I stack those up, it shuts my trap LOL,

2) I remember he's an adult and I'm not his mommy and I don't want to be his mommy,

3) I remember I'm an able person and if I were living alone, I'd have to get it done, so I either get it done or hire someone to do it if I can't do it and he doesn't get to it,

4) I go on strike every so often, not in a hostile way, just a "letting go, I'm chillin' sort of way. Usually when I do that, he springs into action 

Having said that, my DH doesn't have an adverse reaction to my saying "hon, the x is broken can you fix that?" He fixes it. Sometimes it takes 6 months, but he fixes it LOL. Maybe I'm just not that anal, unless we absolutely need it, I don't care how long it takes.


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## Chopblock

---BUT have you looked at yourself and whether you have created some of that nagging by passive-aggressively rejecting her requests straight away?---

I fully agree with you that it takes two people to get to this stage. The nag says "I HAVE to nag or nothing will get done" whereas the victim says "If I give in, she'll just nag every time she wants something done".

So YES, I have considered what "I" have done to cause it. But (and I wager this is a big part of the cycle) I ALSO feel like I do so much WITHOUT being asked, and don't get appreciation for it, that when I AM asked to do something, ESPECIALLY if its some stupid little task that she could have done herself in the time it took to ask me, that I do enough around here and I'm not a butler.


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## psychocandy

Been reading some of these posts...

My wife is a complete nightmare for nagging me. You can guarantee if something is not done EXACTLY how she wants it done EXACTLY when she wants it done, she'll complain and nag about it.

The thing is though, I think, sometimes its like a bit of a stress release for her. Instead of coming home from work and kicking the cat, she gives me a hard time instead.

Oh, and the nagging definitely increases dependent on her mood and the time of the month !!!!


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