# Emotional affair?



## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

Hi,

my thoughts are running in circles and I would like to hear some opinion from an outside person. 

My husband and I are married for 4 years, we have 2 toddlers, he's 8 years older than Iam. 

I'm not the controlling or jealous type. Not at all. Privacy is very important to me. I've never snooped through any of my partners computers or cellphones. Till last week... My husband's cellphone was laying next to me when a text arrived. Late in the evening when usually nobody would text him. I could read it on the locked display: "I'm thinking about you..." and a woman's name I never heard before (from him). 

The next day I was able to get his phone for a couple of minutes, which is difficult cause he has it always with him. Even taking it to the bathroom. There were text messages from her. A lot. And I saw that this was going on for at least a year. Possibly longer. Nothing pointed towards that they have met in that time. No hearts, kisses, but definitely flirting. She's young. 10 years younger than I am. Calling him "papa". He's calling her "beautiful". She knows about me and the kids, even the rest of the family. Asking how we are doing. 

They FaceTime in their lunch breaks at work. He asked her to meet him on a business trip, but she refused and told him not before he's single. She's living on the other side of the country.

He even sent her a Christmas gift. I don't know what it was, but she asked him how she should "use it ". 

I'm confused, have never been in a situation like that, embarrassed for spying, angry, sad. Is that considered cheating? Even though there is nothing physical going on? Emotional cheating? An affair or just an ego booster for some bald, overweight middle aged guy? Confront him and admit to invaded his privacy? Secretly continue spying on him and hoping it doesn't turn into a full blown affair? I could really use a word of advise.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Damn, sure sounds like an emotional affair. And an affair, even an emotional one is cheating. He is diverting his romantic and sexual emotions from his wife to a third person. He is lying, and secreting this new relationship. He is betraying you. He is already using marital funds on a another woman? Forget your concern about his privacy-you have nothing to apologize for, you are trying to save a marriage. 

The good news it while YOUR HUSBAND wants it to be physical, the OW is saying not yet. If their emotional connection is deepening, that won't last. 

Can you copy the messages and print them out? You will likely need that to try to prove to him how far its gone.

What do you want to do? If he stops the EA are you willing to try to trust him? Would he be willing to go to counseling with you? Are you angry yet that your H wants to sleep with another woman? You should be. Particularly if you want to stay married to him. If you aren't angry, mad, offended etc. maybe you should consider if the marriage is worth outside of the EA.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Mirabell_1 said:


> I'm confused, have never been in a situation like that, *embarrassed *for spying, angry, sad. Is that considered cheating? *Even though there is nothing physical going on?* Emotional cheating? An affair or just an ego booster for some bald, overweight middle aged guy? Confront him and admit to i*nvaded his privacy?* Secretly continue spying on him and hoping it doesn't turn into a full blown affair? I could really use a word of advise.


What your H is doing is wrong on so many levels. 

1st he is having an affair... period. Hear a truth, the affair you catch your spouse in is rarely the first, just the first time they have been caught.

Spying... Privacy is on the toilet, marriage should not have secrets.

Never confront without hard proof, you have it. Your H is robbing your marriage of time, money, and closeness. Time to put a stop to it and for YOU not him to decide if there is room for R.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mirabell_1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> my thoughts are running in circles and I would like to hear some opinion from an outside person.
> 
> ...


First, get all of this "invading his privacy" nonsense out of your head. Privacy in a marriage means that you're not standing over him while he's on the toilet... and that's pretty much it. What you're talking about is _secrecy_, and that has no place in a marriage. Spouses _should_ have full access to each other's e-mail and social media accounts, electronic devices, etc. That's just common sense, and anyone telling you otherwise is advocating for nothing less than exactly the type of environment that makes a marriage prone to an affair.

Now for the really bad news...

You should probably consider that, even if your husband's emotional affair (and yes, that's exactly what it is and YES, it IS cheating) w/ this OW hasn't yet gone physical, there may be others w/ which he HAS been physical. You mentioned FaceTime, so I'll assume that he's using an iPhone. How far are you willing to take this?

What does your husband do for work? Does he travel often?


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> First, get all of this "invading his privacy" nonsense out of your head. Privacy in a marriage means that you're not standing over him while he's on the toilet... and that's pretty much it. What you're talking about is _secrecy_, and that has no place in a marriage. Spouses _should_ have full access to each other's e-mail and social media accounts, electronic devices, etc. That's just common sense, and anyone telling you otherwise is advocating for nothing less than exactly the type of environment that makes a marriage prone to an affair.
> 
> Now for the really bad news...
> 
> ...



He doesn't travel often, maybe once a year. And he is in the IT business, so I assume no spy apps on his iPhone or so. :wink2:


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He's in an EA for sure. It hasn't gone PA because the OW put the brakes on. But he is future faking and probably telling her that he's going to divorce and is in a loveless / sexless marriage.
That's why she said not until your single. 

Don't think for a second that it won't go PA because she on other side of country. A man will definitely jump on a plane for some sex, especially for a younger hotter girl. 

Like others have said, get that "I invaded his privacy" bs out of your head. You're his wife, and have a right to see who he's talking, texting, and communicating with on social media. 

How's the marriage? sex life? How are your appearances? Make sure those things are on point. I always advice woman to use carrot & stick. Carrot is you being his love Goddess, find a way to occasionally release your inner wh0re on him. The stick is he better not cross you because you'll release your inner beotch on him.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, he is cheating even though apparently in this case it hasn't gone physical yet.
For the moment you need to play dumb and collect all the evidence you can. Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html and do what it says.
Then when you have all the evidence you need, bring down the hammer on him. But never tell him everything you know, or how you know!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I am sorry that you are here. Listen to the advice you will be given as they have been where you are and understand the mistakes that can be made at this time. 

He is having an emotional affair. It is wrong, it is cheating, and it will lead to a physical affair. This other woman is encouraging him to leave you by withholding physical intimacy.If there is face timing there could easily be cyber sex- are there explicit photos on his phone? She is a threat to your marriage. Your husband is caught up in a fog of infatuation chemicals that have made him blind to the consequences of what he is doing. You will be told here that you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Truer words never spoken.

If you can't print out the communications I would take pictures of them with your phone. Do it before he deletes them. Otherwise, when you confront him he will minimize the communication, its content and frequency. He will convince you that you are jealous, crazy, suspicious, insecure and delusional. Read about the "cheaters script" on here as well as "standard evidence" gathering. 

I wish you all the best.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> First, get all of this "invading his privacy" nonsense out of your head. Privacy in a marriage means that you're not standing over him while he's on the toilet... and that's pretty much it. What you're talking about is _secrecy_, and that has no place in a marriage. Spouses _should_ have full access to each other's e-mail and social media accounts, electronic devices, etc. That's just common sense, and anyone telling you otherwise is advocating for nothing less than exactly the type of environment that makes a marriage prone to an affair.


The mindset that one should investigate and look for signs of cheating is a major red flag. Furthermore, individuals can always find ways of hiding electronic correspondence, giving the investigator false security. Partners deserve total trust for a relationship to work. Without total trust, one self-limits the love they can give to the relationship. Relationships fail for more reasons than divorce. An unhappy and untrusting marriage is a failure. Cheating is a symptom, not a cause. The relationship is already failing if cheating occurs. Counselors rebuild marriages to thrive after cheating, not only because the partners get over the affair, but because the foundation of the romantic relationship is restored.

My partner decides to not cheat because she loves me, not because she couldn't get away with it. Our energies are completely focused on our personal contributions to the relationship. I would not want to drive on a freeway and not have the freedom to drive 66 mph. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in which I were so enslaved that I could not cheat. That lack of freedom restricts the rest of the relationship. I am entirely responsible for my thoughts and actions. And she for hers. Without freedom, what is there?

Focus on the core of the relationship and cheating won't even be a thought, let alone desire/action.

Relationship Teacher


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Blah blah bah
> 
> Blindly optimistic, naive tripe
> 
> ...


Wow, I'm learning a lot!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You need to use the simple, direct words to describe what he is doing:

Your husband is married and has a long-term girlfriend.

No doubt he wants his wife and family.....and his girlfriend, too.

What an ego boost this is. To be wanted by two women. At least two. You don't know much about his secret life.

You have proof. Make copies and save it.

Confront him. Don't let him know how you know. Tell him that you have been made aware that he has a girlfriend. Don't use the words 'emotional affair.' He will argue that until he's blue in the face. Just tell him that he doesn't get to have a girlfriend and be married.

The secret life has to end no matter what.

And please be aware that your confronting him isn't going to necessarily stop him. He's been in this a long time and it has most likely gone physical. Even if it hasn't, he's been reveling in having his cake and eating it, too.

Put yourself out of your misery and confront him. Understand that you may not get over this. This is a real and very deep betrayal.

So, put on your big girl panties. Stop worrying about privacy. What he is doing is not a 'private life.' It is a 'secret life.' He doesn't get to do that if he's married to you, at least not unless you let him.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Cheating is a symptom[/URL], not a cause. The relationship is already failing if cheating occurs.
> 
> Relationship Teacher


Cheating is a symptom that one person (the cheater) does not value faithfulness.

One side of the relationship is definitely failing if cheating occurs, but not necessarily both sides.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Cheating is a symptom that one person (the cheater) does not value faithfulness.
> 
> One side of the relationship is definitely failing if cheating occurs, but not necessarily both sides.


I don't necessarily disagree. I do propose that the warning signs are there, at least. Few individuals can give emotional and/or sexual energy without it crowding out the energy given to one's committed partner. It is diverted.

Relationship Teacher.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow, I'm learning a lot!


:wink2:


Relationship Teacher


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Definitely an EA, yes it is cheating, and has GREAT potential to become a PA given that your husband has already alluded to wanting a PA. 

Thankfully the AP at least has the mindset to not go physical until he is divorced. That's probably the only thing saving you from finding evidence of a full blown PA. But it also tells me, he's probably been telling her your marriage is over, he's leaving, it's a horrible relationship, etc.

The AP might not even know she's the OW. She may honestly think she's met a married man going through a divorce. He could easily be telling her that you are the one that wants a divorce, leading her to believe he's essentially single.

I'd be pulling that phone number and calling her to see what she's been told. There's a good chance she doesn't know she's also being betrayed by him by being led to think he's in a marriage that's ending or already over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jigga114 (Mar 15, 2015)

I am sorry you have been handed this poop sandwich OP. Your H is certainly having an emotional affair at the least. Do not apologize for snooping or invading his privacy. I hope you made copies of the messages you read, because you will need them later when you confront. You definitely need to confront him about this and stop his A dead in its tracks. Your top priority right now should be making sure you are no longer living in infidelity. How much info do you have on the OW? Is she married or in a LTR with someone else? If she is, you may want to consider letting her partner know what you found.

Stay strong sister, and above all, make sure you are taking care of yourself. The period after discovery is very hard on people. Make sure you are eating, drinking water and getting some exercise. None of what your H is doing is your fault. Do not allow him to blame you at all. Good luck.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As some have said, there is no privacy in a mature, equitable marriage simply because it is unnecessary. When a couple vow to share life together where in that scenario is privacy required? It is only necessary when one or both parties try to break said vows. When that occurs, the other spouse fully deserves to know they are being betrayed, regardless of how they find out.

Also, it may be taken by some spouses as lack of concern for the spouse or themselves when secrecy is tolerated or even encouraged. Trust in a relationship is being secure in the knowledge that your spouse has only your best interest at heart and again, what about that premiss suggests the need for secrecy and deceit? Covert activity is for espionage agents, not spouses, it simply has no place in a marriage.


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> How's the marriage? sex life? How are your appearances? Make sure those things are on point. I always advice woman to use carrot & stick. Carrot is you being his love Goddess, find a way to occasionally release your inner wh0re on him. The stick is he better not cross you because you'll release your inner beotch on him.


I'm not in my 20's without kids like her. And I'm not running half marathons or spend my weekend on wine testings.

I'm a mother of 3- year old twins! My life means taking care of them 24/7, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and maintaining the yard. Because my husband does nothing of that. Not even putting his glass in the dishwasher. So yes, being a "love Goddess" is not one of my priorities. 

I'm sure this is about getting an ego boost. He's pretty insecure, but hiding it behind being a choleric macho. I left my family, language, job, home country behind to move with him to the other side of the world. Never even visited the US before. And now I'm stuck in this situation. Without any social net to back me up.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Mirabell_1 said:


> I'm not in my 20's without kids like her. And I'm not running half marathons or spend my weekend on wine testings.
> 
> I'm a mother of 3- year old twins! My life means taking care of them 24/7, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and maintaining the yard. Because my husband does nothing of that. Not even putting his glass in the dishwasher. So yes, being a "love Goddess" is not one of my priorities.
> 
> I'm sure this is about getting an ego boost. He's pretty insecure, but hiding it behind being a choleric macho. I left my family, language, job, home country behind to move with him to the other side of the world. Never even visited the US before. And now I'm stuck in this situation. Without any social net to back me up.


What do you want to do now? Try to snap him out of it. walk away?
How hard would it be for you to return to your native country?


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

Pluto2 said:


> What do you want to do now? Try to snap him out of it. walk away?
> How hard would it be for you to return to your native country?


I don't know, to be honest. Just being shocked at the moment. :frown2:

I'm only a legal resident, not an US citizen. Our kids have the dual citizenship, but I couldn't leave the country (with them) without his approval. It's a nightmare and I'm so sad and angry. He isn't only cheating on me, but also on our kids and our plans/future.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mirabell_1 said:


> I don't know, to be honest. Just being shocked at the moment. :frown2:
> 
> I'm only a legal resident, not an US citizen. Our kids have the dual citizenship, but I couldn't leave the country (with them) without his approval. It's a nightmare and I'm so sad and angry.* He isn't only cheating on me, but also on our kids and our plans/future.*


Have you told him the bolded, just that clearly?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you told him the bolded, just that clearly?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I haven't told him anything yet. Just trying to think clearly and don't show my emotions too much. Which is difficult.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

You make some good points. Even if it flies in the face of contemporary thoughts on 'cheating' and the divorce-any-'cheater' approach most of us have.



Relationship Teacher said:


> The mindset that one should investigate and look for signs of cheating is a major red flag. Furthermore, individuals can always find ways of hiding electronic correspondence, giving the investigator false security. Partners deserve total trust for a relationship to work. Without total trust, one self-limits the love they can give to the relationship. Relationships fail for more reasons than divorce. An unhappy and untrusting marriage is a failure. Cheating is a symptom, not a cause. The relationship is already failing if cheating occurs. Counselors rebuild marriages to thrive after cheating, not only because the partners get over the affair, but because the foundation of the romantic relationship is restored.
> 
> My partner decides to not cheat because she loves me, not because she couldn't get away with it. Our energies are completely focused on our personal contributions to the relationship. I would not want to drive on a freeway and not have the freedom to drive 66 mph. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in which I were so enslaved that I could not cheat. That lack of freedom restricts the rest of the relationship. I am entirely responsible for my thoughts and actions. And she for hers. Without freedom, what is there?
> 
> ...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brownmale said:


> You make some good points. Even if it flies in the face of contemporary thoughts on 'cheating' and the divorce-any-'cheater' approach most of us have.


My main takeaway from his post is that most of what's in his posts should just be ignored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Mirabell_1 said:


> I'm not in my 20's without kids like her. And I'm not running half marathons or spend my weekend on wine testings.
> 
> I'm a mother of 3- year old twins! My life means taking care of them 24/7, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and maintaining the yard. Because my husband does nothing of that. Not even putting his glass in the dishwasher. So yes, being a "love Goddess" is not one of my priorities.
> 
> I'm sure this is about getting an ego boost. He's pretty insecure, but hiding it behind being a choleric macho. I left my family, language, job, home country behind to move with him to the other side of the world. Never even visited the US before. And now I'm stuck in this situation. Without any social net to back me up.


If that's the case, then do you want to fight for the marriage or dump him? He sounds like total loser. Maybe with some work and guidance you can encourage your husband to turn his $hit around before marriage implodes. 

Prior to this, how was your marriage and sex life? If you focus only on the kids, your husband will feel disconnected and look for that connection elsewhere. 

It's important for women to insist that their husbands help with chores and kids. Some men need guidance and a little shove. If you step in and do everything, he'll take advantage. Sounds like a bad precedent has already been set. You're his wife, not his mother.

For now, he better cut ALL communications with this girl. You should have access to his phone, laptop, tablet, email, and social media to be able to verify.
If he doesn't cut her off, then kick him out of marital bed. Stop doing his laundry, don't cook for him. Don't tell him I love you, don't kiss or hug him and definitely don't give him any.

If he does cut her off, then you both need to work on restoring the marriage. living like roommates will eventually end with divorce.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm so very very sorry. I'm in a similar boat to you & it's devastating on so many levels! When I read your first post I felt terrible! You seemed to be taking it so lightly. I doubted myself for being so broken & devastated by my husbands EA.

I'm glad you posted your anger & pain! You should be furious about this!

I'm living, isolated, in a foreign country for my husband too. I've never felt so alone. I can't talk to my parents. My only sibling took his own life & my parents are so fragile. My 'happiness' & 'security/safety' means the world to them.

I truly saw my husband as FAMILY. Reading the things he wrote to her, the betrayal, the cruelty, the "I love you" & "I think about you ALL the times" ugh!! 

It's infidelity! It's adultery! It's betrayal!

It's fantasy! Chances are he'll come-up with reasons to blame you. Rewrite marital history (it's been bad for years). Claim neglect (taking care of little kids isn't THAT hard!!) ugh!! There's a 'script' for all this.

He stole so much from me. He stole my love story when he told another woman that he loved her & shared our secrets.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mirabell_1 said:


> I'm not in my 20's without kids like her. And I'm not running half marathons or spend my weekend on wine testings.
> 
> I'm a mother of 3- year old twins! My life means taking care of them 24/7, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing and maintaining the yard. Because my husband does nothing of that. Not even putting his glass in the dishwasher. So yes, being a "love Goddess" is not one of my priorities.
> 
> I'm sure this is about getting an ego boost. He's pretty insecure, but hiding it behind being a choleric macho. I left my family, language, job, home country behind to move with him to the other side of the world. Never even visited the US before. And now I'm stuck in this situation. Without any social net to back me up.


Well not anymore! Because now you have us! 

BTW your husband is a cheater and a very poor husband and father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> My main takeaway from his post is that most of what's in his posts should just be ignored.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And trampled under foot, too.

I pray that he is not a real life relationship advisor. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And trampled under foot, too.
> 
> I pray that he is not a real life relationship advisor.


Based on the avatar pic alone, I'd think that he (or maybe _she_) is a bit young for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Based on the avatar pic alone, I'd think that he (or maybe _she_) is a bit young for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anyone with a degree or a certificate in psychology in their early 20's can be a counsellor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Anyone with a degree or a certificate in psychology in their early 20's can be a counsellor.


How cute.

Personally I'd prefer to be counseled -- and certainly "taught" -- by someone w/ his or her very own relationship of more than a few months under his/her belt.

And I'd imagine most folks probably feel pretty similarly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Anyone with a degree or a certificate in psychology in their early 20's can be a counsellor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

It's like working on a fine watch with a crescent wrench.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!
> 
> It's like working on a fine watch with a crescent wrench.


And an outdated manual published in a foreign language.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I pray that he is not a real life relationship advisor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think all you have to do is hang your shingle over your door.

Or set up a booth :grin2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I think all you have to do is hang your shingle over your door.
> 
> Or set up a booth :grin2:


Ha!

"Got change for a nickel?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> I think all you have to do is hang your shingle over your door.
> 
> Or set up a booth :grin2:


Hahahahaha!!!! That was perfect. You made my stomach sore. Damn >


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

M - I hope you decided to confront by now. No matter what you decide to do, you and your children will be fine in the end. You're in for a tough ride, though. It's best just to try to start wrapping your head around that and buckle in.

Your WH is a true creep for doing what he is doing to you after you have torqued your life around for him. So, get mad and get strong. You are not helpless. International marriages sometimes end in international divorces - it is certainly not unheard of or undoable.

Whatever your decision is, I think you should be very tough on him. Do not break down in front of him or plead. Make it clear that he's in serious danger of losing his family. If he wants her, he can have her. Even if he doesn't want her, he may have lost you for good. Show him what he has been risking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could your embassy or consulate offer and help or advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with Matt. Get some information from your consulate before you confront. Unlike US citizens who just divorce and work out custody, this OP is at risk of losing her visa and her US born child. Get everything lined up first. Then confront. 

And when you do confront, you can very properly tell him you will not tolerate a third person in your marriage. His attention needs to be with you and your child, not this skank (and I will call her that because she is well aware that your H is a married man). So he goes No Contact, gives you complete access to all his communications, answers every question you raise, and agrees to Marriage Counseling. Then you work the 180. Here's a link to what that's all about.

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Frequently Asked Questions for the Betrayed Spouse (there are several TAM threads about doing the 180, I just keep forgetting to bookmark them).

Sometimes, when a BS (betrayed spouse), begins the 180 the WS (wayward spouse), essentially wakes up and realizes what they are about to give up. But primarily the 180 is a series of behaviors designed to help you detach and be more independent. It is not a cure for an unfaithful spouse. But there have been many instances where it has helped. Remember, doing it is hard. And you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Sounds odd, but it works. As I said, get everything lined up with your visa first.


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

Thank you so much for all of these helpful advises. They give me much to think about and help me figuring out my options.

As for now, I won't rush in confronting him. It was going on for months or years and I'll need time to gather evidence, but more important, find out all about legal consequences. We got married in my homecountry, but I don't know if it would be better for me (especially when it comes to custody) to file for divorce over there compared to the U.S. We'll see. 

Gathering evidence will be difficult though. I don't have access to his phone, but know the clowd name and password. Have to do more research on how to monitor iPhones without getting my hands on it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@GusPolinski, can you help her out with this?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mirabell_1 said:


> Thank you so much for all of these helpful advises. They give me much to think about and help me figuring out my options.
> 
> As for now, I won't rush in confronting him. It was going on for months or years and I'll need time to gather evidence, but more important, find out all about legal consequences. We got married in my homecountry, but I don't know if it would be better for me (especially when it comes to custody) to file for divorce over there compared to the U.S. We'll see.
> 
> Gathering evidence will be difficult though. I don't have access to his phone, but know the clowd name and password. Have to do more research on how to monitor iPhones without getting my hands on it.


::: cracking my knuckles :::

Do you have the password for the email address associated w/ his iCloud account? Note that this is different than having the password to the iCloud account itself.

Do you have a Mac or PC at home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> ::: cracking my knuckles :::
> 
> Do you have the password for the email address associated w/ his iCloud account? Note that this is different than having the password to the iCloud account itself.
> 
> ...


No, I don't have the email password, only for the cloud/iTunes account. And yes, we have a PC.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Are there any iPads, MacBooks, iMacs, iPods, or any other devices associated w/ his Apple ID?

Do you use an iPhone as well? If so, do you use the same ID or do you have your own?


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> I agree with Matt. Get some information from your consulate before you confront. Unlike US citizens who just divorce and work out custody, this OP is at risk of losing her visa and her US born child. Get everything lined up first. Then confront.
> 
> And when you do confront, you can very properly tell him you will not tolerate a third person in your marriage. His attention needs to be with you and your child, not this skank (and I will call her that because she is well aware that your H is a married man). So he goes No Contact, gives you complete access to all his communications, answers every question you raise, and agrees to Marriage Counseling. Then you work the 180. Here's a link to what that's all about.
> 
> ...


Having been married for 4 years I am guessing that she has a "green card" valid for 10 years without conditions so it should not be affected by getting a divorce as mainly illegal activities would risk that status. It might be better to contact USCIS or an immigration lawyer instead of home country embassy or consulate as it would fall under us law. Depending on exact dates you might get close to be able to apply for naturalisation (citizenship).

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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

Feeling lost and lonely said:


> Having been married for 4 years I am guessing that she has a "green card" valid for 10 years without conditions so it should not be affected by getting a divorce as mainly illegal activities would risk that status. It might be better to contact USCIS or an immigration lawyer instead of home country embassy or consulate as it would fall under us law. Depending on exact dates you might get close to be able to apply for naturalisation (citizenship).
> 
> Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


Yes, I've got a "Greencard" but it's still almost 2 years till I can apply for (dual) citizenship. I would never give up my original one. :wink2:


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## Mirabell_1 (Jan 3, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Are there any iPads, MacBooks, iMacs, iPods, or any other devices associated w/ his Apple ID?
> 
> Do you use an iPhone as well? If so, do you use the same ID or do you have your own?


Yes, his iPad, which I have easy access to. He managed to configurate it, so her iMessages only appear on his phone, not on the iPad. That's why he's not concerned that I could use it. 

I share the same cloud with him, but have 2 other Apple ID's and a private cloud.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

Mirabell_1 said:


> Yes, I've got a "Greencard" but it's still almost 2 years till I can apply for (dual) citizenship. I would never give up my original one. :wink2:


The 10 year card shouldn't be dependant on marriage so having that green card shouldn't have any impact on divorce rules. USCIS or immigration lawyer could clear that up. I don't blame you for not wanting to give up original citizenship I didn't give up mine either.

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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Broken Lady,
Wishing you the very best -- I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It is VERY common to feel broken/anxious/In shock by learning of an affair.. Years ago, I learned my husband (at the time, now my EX) was having an emotional affair with lady at his office. I had trouble sleeping and eating -- what you are feeling is normal! Like you, my family lived far away. I was lucky that I had friends to talk to, and I also went to a counselor . The counselor encouraged me to stand firm and tell my husband what I would and would not tolerate. Me and my husband separated -- I found a new church, and had support from my friends. I was lucky to have the $$ for a very good lawyer. In addition to losing weight I had trouble sleeping -- this is normal for you to feel stressed -- you made vows to each other and it is a betrayal. However there is light at the end of the tunnel. In my case I am glad I got divorced, as my ex was not a nice man. I remarried (after dating my 2nd husband for YEARS as I was hesitant about marriage). I have been remarried 9 years and am happy. I wish for you the opportunity to talk to a pastor, friends, and this support board. Books on marriage problems help too. Wishing you peace and happiness!!


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Total EA, possible PA. Surprise and hit him hard with the evidence. Just because you can't take the kids out of the country without his permission doesn't mean he holds all the card. You have cards too! They're called child support, alimony and equitable distribution of property. He'll also have to start paying a maid, a nanny and a lawnboy because you wont be around doing the chores anymore. Is his family nearby and do you get along with them? If so, maybe they can be a source of support for you during this time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow, I'm learning a lot!


Some men hold their views and hold their ground.

I had a neighbor that used a choke chain on his very normal dog.
When walking the dog, the dog did dog things, sniffing, going from patch to patch. The neighbor hated this behavior and kept jerking the chain and the dog finally would not let the owner walk him.

Some people have trouble understanding animals and misread their behavior. 

Humans are more complex, but they too sniff around and go from patch to patch.

We know that, don't we !


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