# When is it too much?



## SaneButNot (Sep 26, 2012)

I've loved my husband of just under a year for almost 14years in total (we were together forever before we finally married last year) and I still do. 

I don't know what to do anymore. In the last year or so I've realised that no matter how much time/effort I dedicate to making him feel special/appreciated etc that it's never enough and it certainly will never be enough to 'earn' the same level of effort in return. So - I've decided that if I can't please him, I'll just please myself because he has always let me know in many ways that he doesn't really need me, and doesn't like me needing him at all.

I kind of thought, well maybe if I just do me and he just does him....we can make it work cos' I'll stop asking too much of him, and stop martyring myself FOR him when he doesn't notice anyway. It's been a long term response to always feeling like a burden to him emotionally because he's not strong enough to hold me up when I need him to. The problem is, now that I've made that decision (you can only give so much and we have two children as well), he's suddenly decided that he does need me to coddle him after all and that any time I take for myself (especially if it's on a long term regular basis) automatically equates to me not caring about him. 

There are so many unaddressed issues that have accumulated over the years because he's always been an awful communicator - there have been MANY times he has lay in bed literally growling while I kneel next to him BEGGING HIM to speak to me instead of just shutting down. NOW, that I'm about to topple over the edge, he's decided he'd like to address EVERYTHING all at once, over and over again. We have almost separated four or more times in the last two years and each time I'm sure it will be the last time because I just can't keep trying, but I always feel like I'm giving up on something without giving it my full efforts, so he shows me a tiny little bit of hope and I cave again.

The last time it happened like this, he stayed away for a few days and in our spare room for about a week in total and we didn't speak at all bar necessities for about a week or so, I was fully prepared to end it, but I said to him - If you come to me, we'll talk (him making the first move is a miracle in itself). We talked for a couple of nights after the kids were in bed and then it all fell down because of his bad attitude and inability to separate one issue from another (literally because I was running VERY late to Roller Derby training and he said - can you wait while I go get MacDonalds despite the fact that there was food for him to cook if he wanted a proper meal, easy meals like baked beans or eggs etc if he didn't want to put in too much effort, OR he could've taken the children with him to get MacDonalds - he cracked a mental because I said 'No, I'm late, people are waiting for me to let them in the gate').

SO - after that I used good old FB to msg him and basically said, that was ridiculous....you need to see someone for your depression (this is a given....he's in total denial about it but is constantly depressed and can't focus on anything good in life) and THEN we'll start talking again, in the meantime....let's play nice.

It's six weeks or so since then, nothing has changed and he just keeps finding more things to be irrational about....there is no getting through to him but the worst part is, he has good intentions. I'm sure he is the way he is because his parents were extremely dismissive of him, treated him like an inconvenience etc and the depression etc obviously as well. It's so hard to punish someone for something they don't mean to do. He loves the kids and even me like noone ever will, and when things are good, things are good! I know that I'm certainly not perfect either and I'm sure if this was written by him it would read very differently but I just don't know what to do anymore.

The last argument we had started last week sometime and has been ongoing on and off since then (I've spent three days out of town with the kids looking after my Dad cos' Mum was in hospital and he's still recovering from a fall a few weeks ago) and he suggested couples counselling, but I've told him I'm not willing to go until he gets himself checked for depression etc because the communication is impossible with him the way he is....he can't look at things separately from each other and he can't view them objectively either. I'm fully expecting him to end it rather than face his problems. 

Sometimes I wonder though, whether he wants to end it himself but can't bring himself to do it and therefore just keeps increasing the pressure on me so that I'll take even that decision out of his hands for him. He hates making decisions because then he will have to be responsible if it was a bad decision. I'm constantly in a quandary because he wants me to make the decisions for us as a family, but I have to wear all kinds of bulls*&t if I get it wrong. HELP!


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