# unloving wife



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

so me and my wife have been married for 13 years this year and we have 2 beautiful boys. things between me and her have been going south for a while. she started to get cold and distant towards me about 7 years ago. she doesnt kiss me like she used to. when she does, it is like she is kissing a family member. very tight lipped. when we go make love, and thats maybe about once a month if i am lucky, she just acts like she has to, not wants to. she doesnt hold me, kiss me, touch me or anything. she just lays there and doesnt really do anything. this has been going on for about 7 years, like i said.

now i havent been perfect. i have texted different girls and had emotional affairs in the past. she has caught me and talked to me. i havent done this in the past 5 years and it was only 2 different women. not that i am defending what i have done. we have gone to therapy for our issues and she doesnt think that therapy works. i thought it really helped us. after therapy things got better for a while, but she always goes right back to doing her old things. 

we recently had a huge argument about love making and the lack there of and she says that she would just be happy if she never had sex ever again!!! she says its not me, but i cant help but think that it is. she says that she just does have the desire to have sex and she does it for me. i just dont know what to do or how much longer i can take this loveless marrage. i have been keeping my promises and staying true to her, but i just dont know. any suggestions or advice?

oh and just for back story, she used to be a very very sexual being. 3 to 4 times a week. always affectionate and willing to have fun when ever.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Ransier said:


> so me and my wife have been married for 13 years this year and we have 2 beautiful boys. things between me and her have been going south for a while. she started to get cold and distant towards me about 7 years ago. she doesnt kiss me like she used to. when she does, it is like she is kissing a family member. very tight lipped. when we go make love, and thats maybe about once a month if i am lucky, she just acts like she has to, not wants to. she doesnt hold me, kiss me, touch me or anything. she just lays there and doesnt really do anything. this has been going on for about 7 years, like i said.
> 
> now i havent been perfect. i have texted different girls and had emotional affairs in the past. she has caught me and talked to me. i havent done this in the past 5 years and it was only 2 different women. not that i am defending what i have done. we have gone to therapy for our issues and she doesnt think that therapy works. i thought it really helped us. after therapy things got better for a while, but she always goes right back to doing her old things.
> 
> ...


Give her a choice.

"Either work with me on a complete marriage to include sex or we divorce. Which do you want?"


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ransier said:


> so me and my wife have been married for 13 years this year and we have 2 beautiful boys. things between me and her have been going south for a while. she started to get cold and distant towards me about 7 years ago. she doesnt kiss me like she used to. when she does, it is like she is kissing a family member. very tight lipped. when we go make love, and thats maybe about once a month if i am lucky, she just acts like she has to, not wants to. she doesnt hold me, kiss me, touch me or anything. she just lays there and doesnt really do anything. this has been going on for about 7 years, like i said.
> 
> now i havent been perfect. i have texted different girls and had emotional affairs in the past. she has caught me and talked to me. i havent done this in the past 5 years and it was only 2 different women. not that i am defending what i have done. we have gone to therapy for our issues and she doesnt think that therapy works. i thought it really helped us. after therapy things got better for a while, but she always goes right back to doing her old things.
> 
> ...


How old is she>?

How old are you?

What happened 7 years ago?


----------



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

marriedDude:

she is 33 like me and 7 years ago she became pregnant for the first time. i know their drive will drop, and sometimes increase, when they become pregnant. but hers just kept going down down down down and got worse and worse.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ransier said:


> so me and my wife have been married for 13 years this year and we have 2 beautiful boys. things between me and her have been going south for a while. she started to get cold and distant towards me about 7 years ago. she doesnt kiss me like she used to. when she does, it is like she is kissing a family member. very tight lipped. when we go make love, and thats maybe about once a month if i am lucky, she just acts like she has to, not wants to. she doesnt hold me, kiss me, touch me or anything. she just lays there and doesnt really do anything. this has been going on for about 7 years, like i said.
> 
> now i havent been perfect. i have texted different girls and had emotional affairs in the past. she has caught me and talked to me. i havent done this in the past 5 years and it was only 2 different women. not that i am defending what i have done. we have gone to therapy for our issues and she doesnt think that therapy works. i thought it really helped us. after therapy things got better for a while, but she always goes right back to doing her old things.
> 
> ...


Your wife sounds a lot like me in my first marriage. I went from being a very sexual person to not caring if I never did it again.

This sounds to me like your wife is not able to have total trust in you any more after your EA's. I know you said you went to therapy to work on things, but evidently the right things were not done somewhere along the line. What have you done to earn her trust? Are you completely transparent with her? As in, you check in with her frequently, given her access to your phone, email, FB, etc... Have you given her non sexual affection? Have you given her your attention, listening to her concerns, etc? 

Sad truth is, you may never get her back all the way. But her not being willing to work on things is not fair to you. So as Ceegee said, its time to put up or shut up. Make an active effort, or the marriage ends.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ransier said:


> marriedDude:
> 
> she is 33 like me and 7 years ago she became pregnant for the first time. i know their drive will drop, and sometimes increase, when they become pregnant. but hers just kept going down down down down and got worse and worse.


Did she catch you in the EA's while she was pregnant? 

How did she catch you?

Did she say the words..."i forgive you"? or did it just sort of fade away from discussion? How was all of it left?


----------



## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

Yeah it sounds to me like she's thinking about you getting freaky with other ppl while she's having sex. Just ask her straight up.


----------



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

MarriedDude:

she caught me years after our first son and before our second son. she did forgive me and said she did. she caught me by looking on my computer and finding my emails. i have never physicaly been in an affair. was just doing it for the attention. 


3Xnocharm: i have been completly transparent with her. she has access to everything of mine. my computer it never locked and neither is my phone. she looks at my many junk emails i get daily and when ever my phone beeps i show her why. she looks and i tell all and let her see all. and i give her tons of non sexual attention. holding hands. gently cheek kisses, cuddeling, talking and just hanging out. i do it all.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ransier said:


> MarriedDude:
> 
> she caught me years after our first son and before our second son. she did forgive me and said she did. she caught me by looking on my computer and finding my emails. i have never physicaly been in an affair. was just doing it for the attention.
> 
> ...


So it's been years....But she still checks through all your stuff. She isn't done with this.

On the Sex end of things. If she isn't attracted...she isn't going to want to have sex. It's just that simple. What have you done to rebuild attraction?

Are you in shape? Is she? What do you guys do together?


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just my opinion, but nothing would kill my libido more than knowing my fiance was sexting, sex-emailing, etc with other women. It's not a deal breaker for everyone, but ...deep down, she might have forgiven you, but she just sees you/the relationship in a different light ever since.


----------



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

MarriedDude: she doesnt check constanly any more. i just make sure she knows that she can when ever she wants. i always leave everything out in the open. she tells me she is attracted to me, but just doesnt have the drive to have sex. we have tried couples massages, horse rides, some walks in the sunset, weekends alone. as far as in shape i am bigger but just had gastric bypass and loosing weight. she thinks she is chubby, but she is in no way chubby. we go to the gym together 4 to 5 times a week now. we do all sorts of things together, but with and without the kids. indoors and outdoors. making sure to do more of the things she likes to make sure she is happy and having fun.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@Ransier Glad you are here. Your thread titled is wrong. It should have been "sexless wife" because if she did not love you she would have kicked your sorry a$$ to the curb. You are like that guy that has a great fishing boat. You take the boat out on the lake 3-4 times a week. The boat is great and you land some awesome fish. Then you take a hammer and smash holes in the bottom of the boat. Water pours in and the boat starts to sink. And you complain your feet are getting wet. 

You are complaining about the lack of sex. Worry about your marriage first. For guys, sex is more physical. For women, sex has more emotions involved. Do you really thinks that your wife does not want sex? She does not want sex with you because she has not emotions to give to you. Why? You gave your emotions to another woman, not once but twice. 

That said, let's focus on helping you and your wife. 

Why did you have the affairs? How long did they last? Where they coworkers? Do you still contact them or see them?
Have YOU changed your behavior that lead to the affairs?
Why does you wife say that therapy did not work? Surely you asked why she felt that.
Why do you think she stayed with you?
Do you love her?
Does she love you, as best as you can tell?
Do you really understand why your wife does not want to have sex with you?

BTW, the affairs are very relevant to this.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

How often do you initiate sex and what are the initiations like....exactly


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> I could not agree more. The best way to kill your sex life with your spouse: have an affair.


Or two.


----------



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> @Ransier Glad you are here. Your thread titled is wrong. It should have been "sexless wife" because if she did not love you she would have kicked your sorry a$$ to the curb. You are like that guy that has a great fishing boat. You take the boat out on the lake 3-4 times a week. The boat is great and you land some awesome fish. Then you take a hammer and smash holes in the bottom of the boat. Water pours in and the boat starts to sink. And you complain your feet are getting wet.
> 
> You are complaining about the lack of sex. Worry about your marriage first. For guys, sex is more physical. For women, sex has more emotions involved. Do you really thinks that your wife does not want sex? She does not want sex with you because she has not emotions to give to you. Why? You gave your emotions to another woman, not once but twice.
> 
> ...



thanks for kicking my teeth in right off the start. here are the answers to the questions you asked.

1. all of the affairs were through email/ chat rooms. they only lasted maybe about a month to about 6 weeks. they were not with co workers and i have not contacted them since then.

2. yes i have. i no longer go to those sights or talk to anyone i dont know on my phone. i am more open with my feelings with her and let he know what i feel. 

3. she has never thought highly of therapists at all and she doesnt like talking to strangers about her issues.

4. she stays with me cause she tells me she loves me, and she has also told me that she doesnt think she could get anyone else if this ended.

5. i do love her with all my heart. and as far as i can tell she loves me.

6. i can only go off of what she says. i am not a mind reader. i know that things have chnaged between us, but i have changed for her and remained true to her since this all happened. not to play point the finger, but she was the one that drew back from me. im not defending what i have done, but i wasnt the one that started to withold sex and affection before all this started.


----------



## Ransier (Mar 1, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> How often do you initiate sex and what are the initiations like....exactly



at this point in time, because you can only be told no so many times in a row, i ask for sex about twice a week.

i have tried different things. caressing her, telling her she is beautiful and sexy and my one and only, kissing her gently, holding her. i have also tried just rolling her over to me and making out with her. BTW she was the one that told me that if i just want it to just take it and if she doesnt want to she will tell me. the times i have done that it makes me feel like i am taking something against her will and i dont like that at all.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ransier said:


> at this point in time, because you can only be told no so many times in a row, i ask for sex about twice a week.
> 
> i have tried different things. caressing her, telling her she is beautiful and sexy and my one and only, kissing her gently, holding her. i have also tried just rolling her over to me and making out with her. BTW she was the one that told me that if i just want it to just take it and if she doesnt want to she will tell me. the times i have done that it makes me feel like i am taking something against her will and i dont like that at all.


From a woman's pov, the 'you're my one and only,' that's so irritating to me when I've heard that from guys I've dated. Since there were affairs, she might be thinking when she hears that 'he could have others, but he chooses me.'

Affairs change things. Be honest. If she had been sexting all kinds of sexy compliments and comments to men...a few years ago, would you feel differently towards her now? And then she tells you 'you're my one and onlyyyy....' lol 

Put yourself in her shoes. My point is ...you may never ever have that part of your wife back again. She loves you, but she may forever be changed because of what happened. I don't say this to condemn you, we are all human, but I say it because you have to come to grips with that, perhaps. You might have to stop trying to change your wife into a nympho, and learn to accept what she is now, after the affairs. Or you can divorce. But, she is who she is, and it's just very hard probably for her to rewind time, and treat the relationship as though the EA's didn't happen. Food for thought.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You had EA's with two different women and wonder why intimacy is dead?

You don't sound like you have much remorse for cheating on her.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ransier said:


> thanks for kicking my teeth in right off the start. here are the answers to the questions you asked.
> 
> 1. all of the affairs were through email/ chat rooms. they only lasted maybe about a month to about 6 weeks. they were not with co workers and i have not contacted them since then.
> 
> ...


You earned getting your teeth kicked off.

In number one, you are minimizing. "It was all by email, so it wasn't _really_ cheating".

If she actually said what was in number four, she has poor self esteem. I wonder how sexting other women impacted that?

In number six, you are blameshifting. You don't want anyone to _think_ you are blameshifting, so you mask it by saying you aren't blameshifting...but you are.

Quite frankly, you don't sound remorseful at all. And I am only seeing your written communication. I wonder what you are communicating to your wife through verbal and non-verbal communication?

I also don't get much humility from you. You should have that in abundance given your lack of fidelity.

Welcome to TAM. 



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Ransier said:


> she says its not me,


I was just talking about George Castanza with my son earlier TODAY:

"You can't say "it's not you it's me", I INVENTED "it's not you it's me"".

It's you.

EDIT: I just read the whole thing. It's you, but I agree with the others. She loves you but she's not IN love with you. The love is gone, my friend.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Ransier said:


> thanks for kicking my teeth in right off the start. here are the answers to the questions you asked.
> 
> 1. all of the affairs were through email/ chat rooms. they only lasted maybe about a month to about 6 weeks. they were not with co workers and i have not contacted them since then.
> If you minimized them to her i this way -it HAD to have pissed her right off.
> ...


No, you are not a mind reader. Nor do you have to be. You can be observant -you have observed enough thus far that you know there are issues...that's why you are here. PRO TIP...if your saying something like "not to play point the finger"...it means that is exactly what you are doing. 

She drew back from you...sure...it makes perfect sense. BUT -Before you can go much further...you will need to get past the tit for tat...they she made me, the I'm the hurt one...crap. It won't help. 

The only way to get started is know KNOW KNOW everything about her. I do mean everything. What makes her heart flutter? What thing has she asked you to do more than 3 times...(you know there is something)...what scares her? what does she look forward too? Does she take coffee or tea? Boiling or just warm, cream and sugar or black. What was the last item of clothing she purchased for herself? Whats her Dress Size, Shoe Size, Pants Size, bra Size? What are the names of 3 of her best friends? What was her favorite class in the 3rd grade?

I'm not kidding...want to make sure she KNOWS you love and value her? KNOW her....know it all...make it your mission to know her. She is the most important female in your life. Once she knows that...from seeing it...not hearing you talk about it. (in fact...stop telling her ANYTHING that you plan to do for her...just do it) She will begin to feel loved and wanted. Once she feels that...she will SHOW YOU that she does. 

Good Luck -it's all fixable -it's just gonna take a TON of effort on your part. The fact that she is still there -is huge. I hope you understand that


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Everything above is correct. 

Everyone is nailing it. 

Fact remains... Give her a choice, work on it or divorce. There's simply nothing you can do to change the past and it's been a long time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@Ransier...

I hope you are just taking it all in. 

It's worth it...don't give up


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What is her attitude when you just start warming her up without asking? I don't like being asked and I don't feel that my husband is forcing me. Some women prefer that. You consider can consider it a compromise you are making for her even though it is not natural for you. You both make many compromises I bet. 

The multiple emotional affairs deserve some thought. 
You said she was sexual, did she have orgasms
did sex drop off suddenly
can you remember anything other than her first pregnancy 
What was happening in the marriage before she started to withdraw.
What made her unhappy and what made you. 
What made you react to the problems by having the EA's? Wanting attention is not a deep enough answer.
Thank you


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OP,

I agree with the other posters. 

Sometimes, having an emotional affair is MORE devastating than having a physical affair. Because of your obvious lack of remorse, seem to be a bit clueless as to how deeply your behaviors impacted your wife and your marriage. I also believe that if you want to preserve your marital relationship, you should put sex on the back burner...for now.

Trust is the foundation of ALL relationships. In order for your wife to trust you, you MUST be trust_worthy_. That mean that you have to _consistently_ do the right thing. Trust is so much MORE than being honest and telling the truth. It asks the question, "Will you be there for me?" 

Will you talk to me about any issue you have with me, or turn to another woman for comfort?

Will you sweep these affairs under the rug or will you change your behaviors and attitudes?

Will you listen to me patiently when I tell you how hurt I am, or will you tune me out?

And then some...

Trust and sex go hand-in-hand for me. It takes a certain amount of _vulnerability_ in order to have sex and let yourself go during an orgasm (or two or three or...) Your wife may be 'allowing' you to use her body for your own grati-****-ation for fear that if she doesn't, you'll leave her. She may even see that you basically want to 'get off', and aren't as concerned about HER and HER feelings. Kind of like learned helplessness for her. 

IMHO, you have a long way to go before even thinking about having sex with this woman again...


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ransier said:


> *thanks for kicking my teeth in right off the start.* here are the answers to the questions you asked.
> 
> 3. she has never thought highly of therapists at all and she doesnt like talking to strangers about her issues.
> 
> ...


I can relate to you too well (unfortunately). Your answers to 3, 4, 5 applied in my case too. As for #6 we can justify why we did what we each did but we both know it was wrong. 

I won't lie to you. It is going to be hard and take a long time to get through this. Your wife stayed with you. Stay with her and work on this. FWIW I am many years ahead of you and we are still married.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You indicate that you were not getting any sex when the As happened (yes they were affairs). But if your wife was about to give birth both times, that would be a sorry excuse that you couldn't remain faithful to your wife.

One of the most devastating things to happen to a pregnant woman is for her H to have an A, she is at her most vunerable and your selfish act has actually destroyed a part of the marriage

You may say she's the only one but cheaters lie - she probably knows that. The past will haunt you

You also say you are overweight, maybe you are not that attractive physically to her, it happens also. Women are not as visual as men but a very overweight man might be a turnoff.

I'm sorry but any kind of infidelity destroys marriages and it is not easy overcoming it, i don't think your W is over it at all, she knows that when she was at her weakest you let her down, she hasn't forgotten.


----------

