# Emotional Distance After Husband's Affair



## SullyInYourSweet (Aug 24, 2011)

In October of 2008, my husband had a brief affair with a woman he met on a business trip. After their first encounter he came home and told me he wanted a divorce. We separated and he saw her one more time. He ultimately broke things off with her because he wanted to patch things up. He told me he had a one night stand (huge lie) and we went to counseling. About 8 months later, I found out most of the actual story. I moved into a hotel for a month and ultimately went back to him. A few months later, he texted her but got no response. I found out about his text and kicked him out. Two months later he came back for good. 

We got together at 19 & 20 and were each other's "first" everythings. We broke-up once in college and he slept with another girl. That sucked, but we got back together and got married a few years later. Things were far from perfect prior to the affair, but we both agree our marriage was pretty good overall. He has struggled with depression his entire life, and it played a large role in why he strayed. He was trying to feel something, anything. He thought she was the key to happiness and obviously that wasn't the case. I enabled all of this to go on because I was too busy trying to make him happy. Big mistake. 

Anywho, we're moving right along with therapy and both want to make our marriage work, but I feel like he's way more emotionally distant since the affair. He just seems like a wall much of the time. Further, he is extraordinarily creative by nature. He always used to write and take photos before the affair and he no longer does that anymore, either. His writing was our primary source of bonding and he's literally not written to me once since the affair. It's just weird. It's like a part of him died with the affair. 

I have no reason to believe he's still pining the loss of his mistress. Quite the opposite, actually. He seems very genuine in his desire to be a good husband and correct the lingering issues, but he's often guarded and distant. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Any advice on how to reconnect? Thanks in advance.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I could sense a similar distance and reservation in my wife. I our last counseling session she brought up the fact that she didn't understand why I took her back and didn't feel worthy of all the things I do for her and how loving I was being. Our MC told her she needed to work on forgiving herself. He then asked me point blank - why did you stay with a woman that did such terrible things to you. I responded I never stopped loving her. Even when she was refusing to stop, my love never died, it just made me fight harder. I had doubts, I had fears and there where times I wanted to just end it. But my love for her always helped me fight for it. She should know that and know that I wouldn't still be here if my love wasn't being returned. He turned to her and said - you know that is all I have ever heard him ask for - is to be the center of your life and to be loved more. WOrk on forgiving yourself and eliminate your reservations so you can give it to him fully!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

How to get him to forgive himself? IC, going to a priest and confessing if that means anything to him, comforting him and lettin him know you forgive him, please forgive himself so he can love you with no reservations.


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## SullyInYourSweet (Aug 24, 2011)

Thank you! I definitely think this is the next major hurdle we have to get over. We're both learning to forgive, so I hope we figure it out soon.


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