# Why can't I let it go?



## violette (May 24, 2012)

Hi, new here with a question. I need unbiased opinions and advice.

My husband and I had our 3rd child last year, and I suffered with PPD for the first time (I have since got help and feel like myself again). It was a very, very tough time.

One of the issues PPD caused was extreme anxiety. I was also worried that my husband was going to cheat on me (this was out of the blue - he is and always has been a wonderful & respectful man). I never suspected him of cheating before during our 12 year marriage. I think a lot of it stemmed from his being on the computer a lot (works in software dev) - especially at night when I was in bed. Also due to some issues on facebook that had occurred (remaining FB friends with a homewrecker, friending an ex I didn't feel comfortable with, ect). 

He was NEVER a "this is mine that's yours" type of guy. We even had shared email at one point. Then suddenly he started bringing his laptop to work every day - even when he didn't need it. Part of me knew it was out of habit, but it still annoyed me because I always left my laptop in one spot and he accessed it whenever he wanted. He knew my password and everything. I also left my email up all the time so he obviously came across it many times. Didn't bother me - I have nothing to hide. 

One day I confronted him on chat (he was at work) about his laptop and email. I told him I left mine at home to use whenever, and he saw my email and facebook - but I never had the same extended to me. I asked him if I could have his email password, and he refused. Adamantly. I was angry (still struggling with PPD at this point) and told him if he didn't let me have it I would hack it (I wouldn't have - ever. I said it out of anger and being hurt). He immediately sent me a link to an article about a man who went to jail for hacking his wife's email.

I was scared - I was shocked at his reaction. Like I said, he knew my email password, has seen it many times, yet I wanted to know his and he was defending it like his life depended on it. 

After a few hours of sporadic back-and-forth on chat (me:"what are you hiding?!" Him: "nothing!") he finally came out and told me the reason he did not want me to see his email was because he had went to "divorce support" forums seeking advice because he thought I wanted a divorce (because of the PPD) and he received notices in his email. I was floored. I had never uttered divorce. Now I was even more taken aback and scared he was hiding more. 

When he was ready to go home, he called me asking what I was specifically looking for in his email. Me, like an idiot, told him I was looking for contacts, chats, etc. When he got home he gave me his password. I noticed all the supposed divorce forum emails were gone, as well as anything from facebook, and the only chats left in chat history was from me (I do not believe he only chatted with me during almost 6 years on gmail). After about 2 minutes of browsing, he took away his laptop and immediately changed his password.

I asked him about missing chats and facebook, he denied ever chatting with anyone else but me, and he said he would always delete facebook notifications one by one as he got them. I told him I didn't believe him, I believed he mass deleted them for some reason. He eventually told me he had deactivated his facebook and he did indeed mass delete all the notifications he'd ever received because he "didn't want to be reminded" about facebook as it was part of "the start of this". I could never bring it up again after that - it would always start and argument. So I stopped talking about it, but never stopped wondering.

This happened over 6 months ago, I have since gotten treatment and now feel so much better - we are also doing much better. 

But still... every now and then I think back to the whole email thing and cannot help but feel sick to my stomach. I honestly lost a little trust for him because of it... his reaction was not like him. _At all_. And then to mass delete FB and chats, and to be still so secretive about his email makes me think he may have at least done something in the past online that he knows would jeopardize us if I ever found out. I get angry when I think about it because I feel he got away with _*something*[/I, though I don't know for sure what it is. I honestly think it had something to do with facebook, and an ex. or maybe even something else. I just have a gut feeling that if I somehow saw his email before he deleted everything, I would have been extremely hurt and upset. 

Looking back, yes I was irrational and handled it wrong, but now time has passed and I feel like myself, I still have those gut feelings he was hiding something, and I will never know what it is. I never used to care about his email or anything like that, but now it kills me that he hides him email like he does. He doesn't even open it up around me anymore. I can't talk to him about it, because he either gets angry or avoids me.

Why can't I let this go? Do you think he may have been hiding something? How can I get that feeling of 100% trust back again?_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Defensiveness always has been a red flag to me. If you don't have anything to hide, it shouldn't make you angry to show your spouse your innocence. In fact, I would rather think you would enthusiastically do it just to keep things peaceful between you. 

IDK. Some people are fiercely protective of their privacy (I really don't believe in privacy between spouses). Maybe your husband DID have something going on then. Thing is, you can't make him talk to you about it. 

Things are good between you now. What are you afraid of? Him blindsiding you with something?


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

What should I do? Every time I have ever brought it up - even calmly and rationally, pouring my heart out - he gets defensive and sometimes just literally walks away or says "Oh no, not sthis (PPD) again!" He insists my feelings about the email thing are ONLY related to the PPD, but I try to tell him it is SEPERATE. 

I feel better but STILL feel he was hiding something. It has nothing to do with PPD! So frustrating!

Honestly, I feel he isn't doing anything now, but my gut says he did. And he is trying hard to make sure I never find out.


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Defensiveness always has been a red flag to me. If you don't have anything to hide, it shouldn't make you angry to show your spouse your innocence. In fact, I would rather think you would enthusiastically do it just to keep things peaceful between you.
> 
> IDK. Some people are fiercely protective of their privacy (I really don't believe in privacy between spouses). Maybe your husband DID have something going on then. Thing is, you can't make him talk to you about it.
> 
> Things are good between you now. What are you afraid of? Him blindsiding you with something?


*I also told him the same thing, that if he was innocent you might think he'd gladly show me he was to keep the peace.

He was NEVER the privacy type. We have always had our own things (hobbies, friends, etc) but never his passwords, laptops, phones, etc. We have always been complete open books.

We are doing good now, yes. But it still wouldn't mean anything if he DID do something and is trying to hide it now. What would that tell me about him? How would I know what he actually said/did? Or of he would ever do it again? That's why I am afraid. *


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

violette said:


> *I also told him the same thing, that if he was innocent you might think he'd gladly show me he was to keep the peace.
> 
> He was NEVER the privacy type. We have always had our own things (hobbies, friends, etc) but never his passwords, laptops, phones, etc. We have always been complete open books.
> 
> We are doing good now, yes. But it still wouldn't mean anything if he DID do something and is trying to hide it now. What would that tell me about him? How would I know what he actually said/did? Or of he would ever do it again? That's why I am afraid. *


That's just it. There's no way to know unless he tells you. In the meantime you can stew over the possibilities or, let it go and be happy. You can't predict the future. It would be nice if the magic 8 ball really worked, but it doesn't. 

Trust that the truth will reveal itself if you are to know about it. That has worked for me in the past. Everything done in the dark does eventually come to the light.


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> That's just it. There's no way to know unless he tells you. In the meantime you can stew over the possibilities or, let it go and be happy. You can't predict the future. It would be nice if the magic 8 ball really worked, but it doesn't.
> 
> Trust that the truth will reveal itself if you are to know about it. That has worked for me in the past. Everything done in the dark does eventually come to the light.


I try to let it go. But when it does pop into my mind every now and then, it makes me angry. How do I let go of that?

Also, do you think I should insist we hide NO passwords? Or just accept this change in him and start keeping passwords from eachother? We were never like that.

ETA: what started this today was I noticed my debit card- yet again-was missing from my wallet. My husband -yet again-just helped himself to my purse and took my debit card without saying anything. He ALWAYS loses his cards and just starts taking mine and then losing them! I think I just feel he doesn't respect "my" stuff, everything I have is his for the taking, but god forbid I ask him for his email password. It pisses me off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

violette said:


> I try to let it go. But when it does pop into my mind every now and then, it makes me angry. How do I let go of that?
> 
> Also, do you think I should insist we hide NO passwords? Or just accept this change in him and start keeping passwords from eachother? We were never like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well controlling your thoughts is impossible. Controlling how you react to those thoughts, well that's a little easier. Get angry, but then you have to reconcile that anger with the fact that you may never know the truth. 

There's no sense in punishing yourself with that negative emotion for long periods of time. You have only the information you have. Don't torture yourself over it. Assess what you have in front of you, how good things are, and stay positive about it. If there's something more that you should know, you'll find out. And when you do? Then you can decide how to proceed. 

You won't get far with insisting he turn over passwords. Demands never go over well in relationships. I will say this... observe him. Watch his behavior for any other drastic changes. All of this could be much ado about nothing, but I wouldn't ignore my spidey senses. Just watch and wait.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> what started this today was I noticed my debit card- yet again-was missing from my wallet. My husband -yet again-just helped himself to my purse and took my debit card without saying anything. He ALWAYS loses his cards and just starts taking mine and then losing them! I think I just feel he doesn't respect "my" stuff, everything I have is his for the taking, but god forbid I ask him for his email password. It pisses me off


I just caught this.

I get it. This would irk me too. I would call him on it... 'so it's okay for you to have privacy but I don't get the same respect?'

I think that would be a lively conversation.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wait a second. You were going through PPD and this man stuck with you when you undoubtedly made his life hell. In the throughs of your illness you demand to see his email, out of the blue.... Maybe he was seeking advice about divorce or child custody as he said. Or maybe he was just pissed off at you and is now digging in his heals. I don't know. You are never going to know for sure.

Secrecy doesn't belong in marriage. I would be upset if he is continuing to hide things from you. But, I would just let the previous event go. If he isn't willing to have an no secrete relationship, you have bigger problems.


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Wait a second. You were going through PPD and this man stuck with you when you undoubtedly made his life hell. In the throughs of your illness you demand to see his email, out of the blue.... Maybe he was seeking advice about divorce or child custody as he said. Or maybe he was just pissed off at you and is now digging in his heals. I don't know. You are never going to know for sure.
> 
> Secrecy doesn't belong in marriage. I would be upset if he is continuing to hide things from you. But, I would just let the previous event go. If he isn't willing to have an no secrete relationship, you have bigger problems.


Well, he didn't leave, but did threaten to plenty of times (grabbing his stuff and telling me he was just going to leave me with the kids - PPD and all) , as well as threatening to call the cops on me. He wasn't the best support, but then again I know I was unbearable to live with at times. 

Honestly, if he had only deleted the divorce email, I probably would have let it go. But deleting FB and chats jyst didn't make sense and sent up a red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I do plenty of things with my computer that are in no way related to cheating or unfaithfulness, but I would not want my wife to see.

A man will struggle to deal with a depressed mother who is his wife. This would not be the life he envisioned. And on top of it you accuse him of cheating. I actually feel bad for him. I really think you should have some empathy for him, think about what your man needs in life, and give it to him in spades... You have 3 little children and your actions could very well result in the destruction of their family.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

violette said:


> When he was ready to go home, he called me asking what I was specifically looking for in his email. Me, like an idiot, told him I was looking for contacts, chats, etc. When he got home he gave me his password. I noticed all the supposed divorce forum emails were gone, as well as anything from facebook, and the only chats left in chat history was from me (I do not believe he only chatted with me during almost 6 years on gmail). After about 2 minutes of browsing, he took away his laptop and immediately changed his password.
> 
> I asked him about missing chats and facebook, he denied ever chatting with anyone else but me, and he said he would always delete facebook notifications one by one as he got them. I told him I didn't believe him, I believed he mass deleted them for some reason. He eventually told me he had deactivated his facebook and he did indeed mass delete all the notifications he'd ever received because he "didn't want to be reminded" about facebook as it was part of "the start of this". I could never bring it up again after that - it would always start and argument. So I stopped talking about it, but never stopped wondering.


These are red flags. The selective deletion of emails and chats can only cause you to wonder. But I am not sure what you can do to get the truth from him.

I think you two need a serious conversation about privacy, secrecy, and boudnaries. What each of you thinks is appropriate in a marriage and how you two want to move forward. Figure out what you can accept and make clear to him what you need.

I would also suggest counseling for the two of you. You going through PPD and him trying to deal with it can take a huge toll on your marriage. You complain he did not support you and think he got away with something. He probably thinks he was run through hell during it. Left to fester, those thoughts lead to resentment, so deal with them.


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

Hicks said:


> A man will struggle to deal with a depressed mother who is his wife. This would not be the life he envisioned. And on top of it you accuse him of cheating. I actually feel bad for him. I really think you should have some empathy for him, think about what your man needs in life, and give it to him in spades... You have 3 little children and your actions could very well result in the destruction of their family.


"A man will struggle to deal with a depressed mother who is his wife"? What does this even mean? What about anyone will struggle dealing with a depressed love one. Being a "man", "mother" and/or "wife" is secondary. And it is not what I envisioned either. It's not all on me-he did plenty of things that I struggled with as well. 

It seems you automatically jump on his "side" because you are a man, and also like to keep computer activity from your wife. Why wouldn't you want her to see? If you wouldn't feel comfortable doing something on the computer with your spouse present - then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manas (May 29, 2012)

Forgive my directness but you seem too controlling, it wont lead you anywhere good .... and most of his actions seem to be reactions to your behavior .... you need to chill out a little bit, maybe then you might be able to let it go


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## Manas (May 29, 2012)

violette said:


> It seems you automatically jump on his "side" because you are a man, and also like to keep computer activity from your wife.


And most of the people "jumping on your side" are doing it because they are women .... i dont get it ... if you are really trying to rant to get over your feelings its totally understandable but if you are genuinely seeking advice you should listen to "men" more because they can maybe in someway show you another way of looking at the picture ... why would you just toss out anything said by a man just because it goes against your mental model .... most of the females replying to your thread would probably share your outlook, why not just consider a different view? .... if you want a male perspective i think you have made his home a little hostile for him, he is not comfortable and is doing stuff just to save it from becoming even more hostile .... its possible .....


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## LadyInStress (May 28, 2012)

Been through a similar situation (not about to get into details here) but I can say that it is weird when somebody just changes their attitudes towards certain things when they didn't care about stuff like this in the past.
It all comes down to something quite simple: If any of us were charged with a felony we didn't commit, wouldn't we go out of our way to prove our innocence? Especially in this case, when we know someone we love is going through a tough time, wouldn't we want to make such a time a little easier if it's in our hands?
No one but him will know what went on, and it's for his conscience to deal with, but I understand what Violette suffers, and the "not knowing" is something that can eat you from inside.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

violette said:


> "A man will struggle to deal with a depressed mother who is his wife"? What does this even mean? What about anyone will struggle dealing with a depressed love one. Being a "man", "mother" and/or "wife" is secondary. And it is not what I envisioned either. It's not all on me-he did plenty of things that I struggled with as well.
> 
> It seems you automatically jump on his "side" because you are a man, and also like to keep computer activity from your wife. Why wouldn't you want her to see? If you wouldn't feel comfortable doing something on the computer with your spouse present - then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I was trying to say, is that your husband was not equipped to deal with your bout of the crazies associated with having a baby. One day you are a normal woman, who belives she has a great husband, and the next you are depressed and accusing him of cheating... What I mean to say is that this drastic change associated with PPD is something he had to go through his own process to come to terms with this dramatic and unexpected change that he has no control over but is greatly affecting him.

The only side I am on is thinking about your children quite honestly who do not deserve to grow up with divorce if that can be avoided. 

What I am trying to point out that you admit he is a great husband, and that this all started with your PPD... I honestly and truly believe his explanation and actions are a resonable response to your actions. Not the only possible response, and not the best response, but a reasonable response of a man who is strugggling to deal with a PPD wife accusing him of cheating... So, given the role you played is it worth upending everone's life? Or is it better for you both to recommit to a sane and nurturuing marriage... Your call.


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## violette (May 24, 2012)

Hicks said:


> What I was trying to say, is that your husband was not equipped to deal with your bout of the crazies associated with having a baby.


This gem of a comment of yours was insulting and incredibly insenstive to me and any woman who has dealt with PPD. Your "advice" isn't needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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