# Daughter - School - Bullying



## Fletch (Apr 11, 2011)

My 12-year-old daughter endured some pretty intense psychological bullying over the past two school years. She kept the angst and pain inside until this past November and experienced a significant breakdown. My wife and I removed her from school and immediately requested home-bound instruction. With the help of our peditrician, the school agreed and her schooling hasn't been affected. In fact, her confidence in her academics has improved dramatically.

The problem I am facing is that my daughter cannot fathom the idea of returning to a "normal" school and is begging us to home school her. My wife and I both work and I am very concerned of how we would be able to teach her what she needs to be a successful student. 

This experience has caused a great deal of stress and conflict between my wife and I and our two families so much so that we have both sought counseling along with my daughter.

My second daughter is now complaining of bullying at school and I am worried that she will demand to stay at home as well.
I need to put my foot down with my kids, but every time I do my wife second guesses my decision or adds fuel to the fire by down grading our school system or blaming me for deciding to live in this particular small town. She is a naturally negative person but is dedicated to use her counseling as a way to learn how to "bite her tongue," but I am still concerned that we are headed for a big mess with our kids and their lack of skills to standup for themselves.

In many ways, I feel that wife has bullied me for years and the kids have witnessed it and my inability to stand up to her has lead to this problem on the school yard. I have committed myself to ending this cycle, but the results are mixed and ususally end up in a big fight. My counselor knows of my concerns and is providing insight on how to stop her bullying behavior, but I am afraid our kids have seen it for too long.

Any suggestions for my daughter, our school choice dilemma or how to combat "bullying" behavior from a spouse?

Thanks


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Fletch said:


> My 12-year-old daughter endured some pretty intense psychological bullying over the past two school years. She kept the angst and pain inside until this past November and experienced a significant breakdown. My wife and I removed her from school and immediately requested home-bound instruction. With the help of our peditrician, the school agreed and her schooling hasn't been affected. In fact, her confidence in her academics has improved dramatically.
> 
> The problem I am facing is that my daughter cannot fathom the idea of returning to a "normal" school and is begging us to home school her. My wife and I both work and I am very concerned of how we would be able to teach her what she needs to be a successful student.


I cannot address the we both work issue. When we chose to home school it DID have a dramatic impact on our lifestyle. We were broke and borrowing from Peter to pay Paul for years.

BUT being able to teach her what she needs to be a successful student need not be a concern. Get to a home school group. There are tons of them. Read about home schooling. It can be very, very successful. As a matter of fact, the success rates and educational achievement have better success rates than public schools.



> This experience has caused a great deal of stress and conflict between my wife and I and our two families so much so that we have both sought counseling along with my daughter.


Good idea!



> My second daughter is now complaining of bullying at school and I am worried that she will demand to stay at home as well.


Why the hell is the school not addressing the bullying??!!?



> I need to put my foot down with my kids, but every time I do my wife second guesses my decision or adds fuel to the fire by down grading our school system or blaming me for deciding to live in this particular small town. She is a naturally negative person but is dedicated to use her counseling as a way to learn how to "bite her tongue," but I am still concerned that we are headed for a big mess with our kids and their lack of skills to standup for themselves.


I hope your counselor actually makes her see that this is NOT in the best interest of your children and that a united front is critical.



> In many ways, I feel that wife has bullied me for years and the kids have witnessed it and my inability to stand up to her has lead to this problem on the school yard. I have committed myself to ending this cycle, but the results are mixed and ususally end up in a big fight. My counselor knows of my concerns and is providing insight on how to stop her bullying behavior, but I am afraid our kids have seen it for too long.


The best thing you can do is start learning effective limit setting techniques now. Don't beat yourself up over what has been.

Your daughters should not be enduring bullying behavior, and I would be screaming holy hell at the school.


----------



## Fletch (Apr 11, 2011)

Thanks for the input.

We have confronted the school. They assure us that they are addressing it. But I am concerned at what level. For instance, the school had an assemblylast week on bullying, but instead of delivering a serious message, it was presented by through inter active play (including tumbling, juggling and a whole lot of student laughter). Not sure, it resonated with the bullies, rather just gave them support to do it more.

I am researching home schooling in our area, but part of me sees my daughter using home schooling as an "extended vacation" from her problems. Her home bound instruction works because it is delivered by a certified teacher, not by her parents who in her mind she can "convince" to take a break from math, science and reading in order to take a nap or surf the satellite.

My gut tells me that she needs to return to school, maybe not this one (too small, too many cliques, too many problems) but a new school one, where she can use her new self confidence to meet good friends and ward off poor ones.

As for my wife, she has a good heart, but lets her head and feelings get in the way of most everything she does. Any good books out there on "tough love?" I am convinced my whole family needs it.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Fletch said:


> Thanks for the input.
> 
> We have confronted the school. They assure us that they are addressing it. But I am concerned at what level. For instance, the school had an assemblylast week on bullying, but instead of delivering a serious message, it was presented by through inter active play (including tumbling, juggling and a whole lot of student laughter). Not sure, it resonated with the bullies, rather just gave them support to do it more.


Can you work with the counselor to help you and she learn effective limit setting skills?



> I am researching home schooling in our area, but part of me sees my daughter using home schooling as an "extended vacation" from her problems. Her home bound instruction works because it is delivered by a certified teacher, not by her parents who in her mind she can "convince" to take a break from math, science and reading in order to take a nap or surf the satellite.


A certified teacher is not necessary for effective instruction. A person with a vision of what they are trying to accomplish and the will to accomplish it is what is necessary. If you are not of an unschool bent, and she has you over her knee, it aint gonna work. I would address why you let her "convince" you(and I mean both you and your wife_ of things that are not in her best interest.




> My gut tells me that she needs to return to school, maybe not this one (too small, too many cliques, too many problems) but a new school one, where she can use her new self confidence to meet good friends and ward off poor ones.
> 
> As for my wife, she has a good heart, but lets her head and feelings get in the way of most everything she does. Any good books out there on "tough love?" I am convinced my whole family needs it.


You dont need tough love. Tough love is a loosey gooset term that seems to mean bossy to me. You need effective limit setting. I don't know any that specifically deal with this situation. Ask your counselor.


----------



## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

If your wife bullies you in front of the kids that is a respect issue and should be addressed. You get to be who you want to be. We are not all leaders but you have to do what is best for your family. Children should have very little say but be encouraged to communicate daily. If your wife can defend a position with logical arguments without tearing you down then you may be able to work through this by communicating. If not then your only hope is to attend counseling where others will tell her that she is hurting the family unit cohesion by tearing you down. Or at least a good counselor should. Bullying at school is easy to fix. If it is physical it is called assault and you go into the school and find out who and what and then call the police. You get some pressure put on the parents and they will make sure something changes. (Rinse and repeat as necessary) If the school takes no action pay a lawyer to write up a letter of intent after you have documented who and how many times you have spoken with them. The letter of intent will state that unless they do something about what is going on there will be a big fat lawsuit on their hands. This makes schools jump every time. And it doesn't cost much. The downside is that you will become famous within the school but your children (will)be listened to when they report something.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The bigger issue here is that your daughers are learning from your wife.

Stop this dysfunctional behavior now.

Teach your daughters to FiGHT bullying NOW.

Otherwise, they will spend their lives being the underdog.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Do not underemphasize the trauma that your child suffered at the hands of bullying. I grew up a fighter, so I tried to raise my son to be more level headed. He faced sadistic bullies and never brought up the subject to me until after he had serious psychological issues.

Ultimately, he stood up to them and learned to become less sensitive to their remarks, but it was only on his terms, and those of his therapist. Not with me pushing him to get back into that school. 

Of course, what he never will know is that I waited after school, and asked the mother to make sure her husband joined her the next day (it was a private school with no buses). When faced with a diplomatic, but very firm demand that they deal with it then and there, or that I would become their closest friend, they chose to address it. In reality, though, to see their own father break down in tears when faced by me seemed to affect the bullies more than anything(hint, hint). One of the relatively few benefits of looking like a night club bouncer.


----------

