# Wife's low self image is ruining our marriage (and sex life)



## Alan Bundy (May 19, 2013)

I love my wife. I've loved her for over 20 years. She's beautiful, funny, witty, kind, considerate, and my best friend.

Except when she goes to her dark place.

My wife has problems with frequent bouts of depression. When she's in one of these funks, nothing I can say or do will help. She gets 'body image perception disease'. She dwells on everything negative. She checks out. It's as if she's been replaced, by a pod, like from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. My awesome wife is gone, replaced by an alien whose sole purpose is to suck all the joy out of life, both hers and mine.

I gave up trying to fight this years ago. Like I said, nothing I can say or do helps, ever. She just has to ride it out.

But I'm getting SO DAMN SICK AND TIRED OF IT.

And it makes me feel like a jerk, because I should be more understanding... But it happens over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Yes, she's tried meds. They even her out, but then she has no sex drive. Yes, she's tried all the different kinds.

Last night we were drinking a little bit, and having a good time watching old music videos from the 80s. We were talking and laughing, it seemed good, and one thing led to another.

All of a sudden when things were getting good, she starts covering up, not wanting me to see her. It ruined it. I just stopped and got dressed.

I don't know what to do any more. I don't want to leave her, but her problem is literally driving me insane. I'm not getting what I need, and I'm starting to really resent that she's so damaged.

Am I a jerk or what?


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## thatcleanhippyguy (May 17, 2013)

No dude, you're not a jerk. I can only feel a bit of what you are going through. I'm on my 2nd year, you've been in for 20. Going through the same thing, but not quite as bad.

Self first man. It's your life.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Your love for your wife is evident. I think you have been understanding to a fault. Have you expressed the depth of how her issues are effecting you? Does she have any idea? If she doesn't, she needs to. 

Sometimes people get "comfortable" with their issues no matter how destructive they are. In your acceptace, she has no reason, motivation to change. Its very loving of you but also self sacrificing. You need to put this on the table and try to work it out.

Nobody is beyond help, its a matter of dedicating yourself to it. Medication can help but doesn't make everything roses. It doesn't eradicate what brings her to this dark place in the first place, it just makes it less intense. Is she in individual counseling to get to the root of her issues? There are no quick fixes. What is she doing to help herself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think she needs to go to counseling for her depression and her body issues.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think she needs to go to counseling for her depression and her body issues.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## debbysteelefen (May 12, 2013)

It is near imposible for us women to have any sort of self esteem, we are constantly being hit with what the media labels as "perfect women" or "sexiest women" bla, bla, bla. Anywhere we look we are supposed to look this way, radio commercials for plastic surgery to look like some model or movie star.

My husband goes through great lenghts to make me feel beautiful all the time, does not get rid of my self esteem problems but definitly help.

My opinion, make her feel beautiful, get rid of those magazine subscription that all do is lower our self esteem.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Wife's low self image is ruining our marriage (and sex life)*



debbysteelefen said:


> It is near imposible for us women to have any sort of self esteem, we are constantly being hit with what the media labels as "perfect women" or "sexiest women" bla, bla, bla. Anywhere we look we are supposed to look this way, radio commercials for plastic surgery to look like some model or movie star.
> 
> My husband goes through great lenghts to make me feel beautiful all the time, does not get rid of my self esteem problems but definitly help.
> 
> My opinion, make her feel beautiful, get rid of those magazine subscription that all do is lower our self esteem.


Very well said! I struggle with the same...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Alan Bundy said:


> I love my wife. I've loved her for over 20 years. She's beautiful, funny, witty, kind, considerate, and my best friend.
> 
> Except when she goes to her dark place.
> 
> ...


I don't think you are a jerk. I deal with something similar from my husband. His depressive bouts affect me deeply, and are part of the reason our sex life died for almost 10 years.

One of the things I did was go to a therapist to learn how to deal with living with someone with depression. Have you considered that? It might be that you are unable to reach your wife while she is in her dark place, but perhaps there are some coping strategies that you could learn and make use of that allow you to ride out these times. In my case, I have had to learn how to deal with the resentment that creeps in because my husband refuses to seek help or even make life style changes that could alleviate his periodic depression. It affects our whole family (we have three children 12 and under), and I feel isolated and alone and helpless during his cycles. 

Based on the fact that your wife has tried meds, it sounds like she has at least acknowledged and sought help for her depression. I assume you have talked to her about how her depression affects you. You can't, of course, blame her for it, but it is important that she knows that her depression affects you emotionally. In my case, I'm usually very supportive of my H's depression for the first few days of a cycle, and then I can feel it start to trigger a pulling back on my part. I hate it, but I feel like it's the only alternative to me becoming angry. 

You could also seek dual counseling so you could develop a plan together for living with her depression as proactively and with as much awareness as possible. There might actually be things you could do WITH her that would help her--practicing meditation or yoga together, for example. 

It sounds like you really love and care for your wife. I know that living with a loved one who is depressed can be hard. I'm beginning to understand that my H's depression belongs to BOTH of us in this marriage, and it is up to me to learn to live with it and cope with it as much as it is up to him to learn to live with it and control it. I'm not suggesting that you take responsibility for her depression, just for how you live with it and react to it. Think of it as a personal health issue: you have something in your life that affects your happiness, so seek things that are within your power to reduce the negative impact of that thing. 

Wishing you and your wife peace.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry you are having these problems....is your wife overweight?

I ask because that alone can affect a womans perception of herself and her confidence especially when naked with her partner/husband.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

debbysteelefen said:


> It is near imposible for us women to have any sort of self esteem, we are constantly being hit with what the media labels as "perfect women" or "sexiest women" bla, bla, bla.


Then you women need to get your sh*t together.

If having a husband tell you for two decades that he finds you attractive, sexy, and desirable doesn't convince you that he's telling the truth, then you not only call him a liar to his face, you destroy what attraction he actually does have for you. 

You think you're unattractive with a few extra pounds? How attractive can you possibly be when you turn out the lights all the time, or pull up the covers, or throw on a robe whenever he might see your cellulite? 

Start believing in what your husbands tell you and you might find that you don't need self esteem as long as you have the esteem of your partner.

Sorry 'bout the rant, OP. You're not a jerk, and I understand you fully bro'.


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## Alan Bundy (May 19, 2013)

I appreciate all of the thoughtful responses here. It's nice to have an opportunity to vent, as neither my wife nor I air our dirty laundry to anyone outside of our marriage.

In answer to questions, yes, she's sought help. She's aware of her issue, and has really tried to do something about it.

No, she's not overweight. She's fit and trim, and looks absolutely gorgeous, which makes her body image trouble even more puzzling to me. I know other 40 something women that would literally kill to look like her.

No, I haven't tried counseling. That's a really good suggestion, though, one I'll look into.

The roller coaster continues... We had a good talk the day after I posted here, and she understands what I'm going through as well. And right now we're communicating, loving, and in a really good place again. Until the next time.

I know there are no magic answers here. But like I said above, it feels good to be able to unload. Thanks everyone.


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