# Am I unreasonable?



## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Hopefully someone can offer me something on this, or set me straight if that's what I need. I'm willing to admit that this could be all in my head and what my wife needs is a more supportive and less sensitive spouse. Here goes:

Other issues aside which are common when you've been with the same person 12 years, my wife and I have always fought over house work. Our biggest fights have always been about something that wasn't cleaned. I was raised by a single dad who did not instill in me any sense of housekeeping. Through more than one coming to jesus moment, I have worked hard to learn how to do my share of the work and my wife has really put in work to get me here. I won't claim to be perfect but I have to admit I believe that for the last three or four years, I've done every bit of my share. I absolutely am not the person that will be on the couch while my spouse cleans. I cook, clean, pay the bills, get our daughter ready for school/bed, pick up toys, shop, run errands. And I don't expect a pat on the back really, just making it clear that I'm not a person who just puts the dishes away and think's I've done my share. That said, I'm at my wits end over how every mistake I make seems to be met with exasperation from my wife. 

Case in point, this week she has worked late every night, sometimes leaving at 8 am and not coming home till 9:00-10:00 pm after our daughter is in bed. So I've worked my regular day from 8:00 to 4:00pm, then picked up our daughter, cleaned house, took her out to play, made dinner, read bedtime books, done the bath and, got her to bed, and usually tidied up some more before the wife gets home. (we limit our daughter's TV time to 30 mins so while I do get that break, most of the time I am focusing on the kid while handling other things) I don't mind it and I wouldn't ask for any kudos except today, around lunch, I heard my wife screaming upstairs slamming things around and being familiar with the tone, I knew what was coming, I was met with an all familiar "you always do this and I have to fix it" which was about unfolded laundry lying on top of the dryer. 

For the next few mins she reminded me (not the first time) that she is always having to fix what I can't do and that by now I should be able to manage something that takes 5 seconds. In the past, comments like these have turned into massive shouting matches. But this time I remained calm and went over some talking points I self-developed following our last fight. Though angry, I apologized and calmly reminded her that it has been a long week for both of us and that between work and dinner and cleaning the kitchen and living room every night and having our daughter, I was rushed and made a mistake with the laundry. I then suggested that with how busy we've both been that maybe we should appreciate what each of us has done in addition to mentioning what we've missed. Her response was that it's not her job to compliment me for things anyone should know how to do. Losing the ability to contain frustration, I walked her over to our bedroom dresser topped with piles of her clothes. I mentioned that I didn't like that situation but because she's had a long week, I've not said anything about it and mentioned maybe we just give each other more slack for now. Her response was that the clothes on the dresser aren't an issue and that has nothing to do with me being unable to handle laundry. We go back and forth for a few mins and I stick to the point that we should be more complimentary of the work we both do, which continues to go nowhere. 

Ultimately, I suggest she identify a chore that she does not like to do and I will do that all the time. And she can handle laundry all the time so I don't get in the way. She then mentioned she hates dishes in the sink and that I never put mine way. Dishes in the sink is an issue sometimes since we both work from home and right after lunch, I don't always have time to unload the dish washer to put away what's in the sink. But after work, the sink is definitely cleaned up first thing. But trying to make peace, I interrupted my work to stop and unload the dish washer and get everything in the sink put away then cleaned up the kitchen thinking she'd be happy with that. All she did was re-wipe the counter after having just watched me do so. (And her clothes are still laying on the dresser, BTW). 

I know that got a little whiney at the end but I felt all of it necessary to ask this question. Am I really crazy to think spouses should appreciate each other? I generally don't expect a pat on the back for equal work but when slips ups in a busy week lead to shouting and put downs, shouldn't we at least recognize effort elsewhere? I feel like I have not sat down from 7:00 to 10:00 pm this week and the only comment I've received on it, was that I'm incapable of handling laundry. It bothers me that in the 12 years we've been together I may be able to count on my hand the positive comments I've received about anything, from how I am as a dad, to how I look, or anything in between. To hear my spouse laugh down the idea that we should compliment each other was hurtful, especially since I make it a point to do so when I feel she's overwhelmed. 

In short, we always, always fight about housework, which I feel is just a manifestation of some big differences I see in we feel the other should be treated. I feel quite unappreciated across the board and really at this point, am unsure if she's right that I expect too much or if I have a spouse that is really as unbearable as it sometimes feels. Its to the point that I now get anxiety every time I hear a loud noise because I'm expecting her to yell at me for forgetting something. I don't share things I like with her because I've basically given up any expectation she'll show interest or encourage them. 

Not sure what to do. Try another talk? Get over my sensitivity?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Stop doing anything since you don’t do it right. Sounds like she has some anger issues


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

She’s out of order.

My wife does the same thing. Works too much, neglects chores. I do those chores and don’t say anything about it, then she either:

Gets angry that I did them because she feels like me doing them is a critique of her inability to do them. It’s not, I just wanted clean underwear.

Doesn’t notice or say thank you.

2nd one is ok. First one is similar to what is happening to you and is out of order. I know of a couple solutions:

Hire someone else to do it. Then when she gets pissed she will get mad at you for hiring an idiot to do the chores. So then get her to pick someone, then she’ll be mad at herself which is slightly better.

For something like laundry, what I did is I just bought an insane amount of clothes. I have maybe 50 pairs of workout socks, at least that much underwear, 10 pairs of workout shorts, etc... So she can sluff off and skip doing laundry and she’ll run out of her own clothes before mine, which sends her to the laundry room.

For food and dishes I basically take care of all of it at a high standard. I took dishes over from her for the most part but she’ll occasionally press start on the dishwasher or unload it if she’s up at 2am. She gets a thank you every time.

Her being a pack rat and me wanting to throw stuff out I accepted a long time ago. For example I am not allowed to throw out junk mail. It has to be ok’d by her then shredded. So we have occasional shred parties.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Why is your wife away from the house 12-14 hours a day, every day? Why are you expected to be a single parent and full time housekeeper?


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

JTC_5280 said:


> Hopefully someone can offer me something on this, or set me straight if that's what I need. I'm willing to admit that this could be all in my head and what my wife needs is a more supportive and less sensitive spouse. Here goes:
> 
> Other issues aside which are common when you've been with the same person 12 years, my wife and I have always fought over house work. Our biggest fights have always been about something that wasn't cleaned. I was raised by a single dad who did not instill in me any sense of housekeeping. Through more than one coming to jesus moment, I have worked hard to learn how to do my share of the work and my wife has really put in work to get me here. I won't claim to be perfect but I have to admit I believe that for the last three or four years, I've done every bit of my share. I absolutely am not the person that will be on the couch while my spouse cleans. I cook, clean, pay the bills, get our daughter ready for school/bed, pick up toys, shop, run errands. And I don't expect a pat on the back really, just making it clear that I'm not a person who just puts the dishes away and think's I've done my share. That said, I'm at my wits end over how every mistake I make seems to be met with exasperation from my wife.
> 
> ...


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> She’s out of order.
> 
> My wife does the same thing. Works too much, neglects chores. I do those chores and don’t say anything about it, then she either:
> 
> ...


Thanks. We hired a cleaner and that has helped some. Though she still has a fit the night before they come and gets upset if the house looks unclean when they come in. They aren't in our house but twice a month right now because of COVID but it may help reduce the number of fights. Unfortunately, I'm still at a loss for how to deal with what feels like constant nit picking on her part without any appreciation. I am not a pansy either. I work hard myself, work out, fix the car, do the handyman stuff. Just wondering if other guys do so much without even a thank you or some affection


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

JTC_5280 said:


> I work hard myself, work out, fix the car, do the handyman stuff. Just wondering if other guys do so much without even a thank you or some affection


Yes, although in my case I straightened it out. You can too but it will be more painful because you have kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is this kind of working late normal?

Sounds very stressful. She may be taking that out on you which is not ok.

Tell her directly when she's calm that she's not going to take her stress out on you. If you're going to do a task you get to do it yoir way and don't have to answer to her, especially if you have to handle everything.

Within reason of course (ie dishes put away dirty).

You're a grown ass man and she's not your mother. Don't act like it and don't accept being spoken to like it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me see if I've got this straight thus far:

She hates her job but stays because of the benefits

She thinks you aren't doing the laundry to her standards.

She isn't appreciative of what you do around the house.

To me, it sounds like she's a rather negative fault finder, not to mention a first-class complainer. Does this seep into all aspects of your marriage? Has she always been this way?


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Let me see if I've got this straight thus far:
> 
> She hates her job but stays because of the benefits
> 
> ...


It definitely seeps. I can recall to the day that I lost the ability to try and resolve her complaints. I broke down on the porch and just told myself, I can't and won't do this anymore. Now I still hear them but I no longer try and offer a lot of solutions. Since she always finds the negative in those too. I am exhausted at this point and the only time i muster some strength is defending myself agains the fights about cleaning.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is this kind of working late normal?
> 
> Sounds very stressful. She may be taking that out on you which is not ok.
> 
> ...


 "You're a grown ass man and she's not your mother. Don't act like it and don't accept being spoken to like it."

I like that. I may use it next time to see if there's some agreement we can reach. Don't treat me like a son and I promise not to be your additional child


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JTC_5280 said:


> *I can't and won't do this* anymore. Now I still hear them but I no longer try and offer a lot of solutions. Since she always finds the negative in those too.


I wish I could applaud your stoicism, but I can't. You're still doing "this" by virtue of the fact that she's still beyotching about most things you attempt to do around the house. Although you are replying calmly and rationally, you are STILL responding. Quit trying to engage her in rational discussion. It doesn't work.

My advice is you quit doing anything other than caring for your daughter. To hell with your wife. And I notice you didn't respond when I asked you if she's always been this way and if her attitude seeps into other areas of your marriage. 

My guess is your marriage isn't particularly fulfilling, but I'm basing on that from what you've posted so far. I could be off base. It would be interesting to hear more from you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some people need, and deserve to be put in their place.

Her place is alone, with no one to yell at, but herself.

Tell her you are considering divorce due to her unfair criticism and complaining.

Lord only knows what your sex life is like?



I suspect, that after you threaten divorce she will yell back at you, and tell you to _get out_, if you want.

Give her stewing a few days, maybe a week, or two and she will back off....or not.

If not, you now know your value.



Others have asked why she works so much. 

Is she management at some understaffed restaurant?

Do you think she is trying to push you away and out of the marriage?
Might she have another replacement man in mind?

Harmony needs to arrive at your house, the balance of power needs to settle in the middle.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In America, the life you live is the life you choose.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I wish I could applaud your stoicism, but I can't. You're still doing "this" by virtue of the fact that she's still beyotching about most things you attempt to do around the house. Although you are replying calmly and rationally, you are STILL responding. Quit trying to engage her in rational discussion. It doesn't work.
> 
> My advice is you quit doing anything other than caring for your daughter. To hell with your wife. And I notice you didn't respond when I asked you if she's always been this way and if her attitude seeps into other areas of your marriage.
> 
> My guess is your marriage isn't particularly fulfilling, but I'm basing on that from what you've posted so far. I could be off base. It would be interesting to hear more from you.


Thank you. I did respond to the seeps part but maybe it didn't go through or wasn't clear. The negativity impacts every aspect of a marriage you could imagine and though it's hard to say when I noticed exactly, I think maybe I just didn't see it when we were younger. I do feel like she's a very different, less pleasant person than I met but maybe that's because I once had the energy to manage her negativity and pick her up off the floor when she was unhappy. I'm too old for that now. I think you're right. It's time to focus on my daughter.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> In America, the life you live is the life you choose.


well said


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I decided to make breakfast for my wife one morning a few months ago and she started getting on to me because I wasn't opening the package of sausage right, Result? I tossed the package on the counter, sat back down at the table and finished my coffee. I didn't say a word and she made breakfast. Later, she apologized for treating me like she did. Although I appreciated the apology, hell will freeze over before I make sausage for breakfast again and she knows it.

Since you don't do the laundry right, quit doing it. If she complains about something else, quit doing it. Also, don't put up with the screaming and treating you like a child. You're a grown man. Start acting like it and lay down some boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn't.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Some people need, and deserve to be put in their place.
> 
> Her place is alone, with no one to yell at, but herself.
> 
> ...


Have to admit that under different circumstances, the D would definitely would've came to mind more. But she is a permanent resident and the fear or her taking my daughter "home" is a risk I can't bear. I'd rather be unhappy all my life with my spouse than watch my daughter move overseas.

Work wise, she's honestly just won't do anything about it except complain. Her bosses are not the best, turnover is always high because of them which puts all the work on her. She's been there eight years and since she's a hard worker, she's constantly overused.

Intimacy wise, that has been an issue for a very long time and maybe it's even the bigger issue that's just manifested in other ways. I'm very affectionate and like to be touched. When we met, it seemed to work but at some point, we started having issues in that regard. We've had talks about it a lot and for awhile it was "as soon as [insert stress in her life] is over, I will feel more relaxed. But there always seemed to be one and I always felt guilty as if I was pressuring her to be somebody that she isn't in the intimate sense. But lately, I'm to the point that I don't even really loo forward to it, despite the fact that I'm probably in the best shape of my life and though I'm not Bradley cooper I feel good about how I look. Touching her feels a little bit like a lie. The last time I cared enough to talk to her about that was two years ago. In my late 20s that was a really difficult thing to go through and I've never been and never would be a cheater. It's not worth the damage to my daughter. I doubt she's running around or having thoughts about anyone else because she just seems to oblivious to intimacy that it would surprise me.

I realize that I am making this woman out to sound like the devil and its really not my intent. But this is the first time I've ever really reached out to gauge anyone else's opinion and looking over everything I read, it is a recount of everything and done pretty fairly IMO. I am by no means perfect myself but I am sure I've tried to carve out the life that she has said she wants on a day to day basis. And to her credit she is a great mom, she's socially conscious, smart, incredibly hard working. But as a wife, or at least as a wife to the kind of spouse I am, we really really don't seem to click. The more I read responses and what I've laid out here, it's starting to sink in...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

[QUOTE="JTC_5280, post: 20308919, member: 349775"I do feel like she's a very different, less pleasant person than I met but maybe that's because I once had the energy to manage her negativity and pick her up off the floor when she was unhappy.[/QUOTE]

Do you think you'll remain married to her, or do you feel there needs to be changes made in how the two of you interact? 

I'm wondering why you felt the need to "manage" her emotions. Her behavior is not your responsibility;; it's hers to own.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JTC_5280 said:


> But she is a permanent resident and the fear or her taking my daughter "home" is a risk I can't bear. I'd rather be unhappy all my life with my spouse than watch my daughter move overseas.


Please see an attorney ASAP. I doubt your wife can leave with your daughter, but you need to determine your legal standing regarding this issue. Again, lawyer-up NOW.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Please see an attorney ASAP. I doubt your wife can leave with your daughter, but you need to determine your legal standing regarding this issue. Again, lawyer-up NOW.


--
Another good idea, probably overdue


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I decided to make breakfast for my wife one morning a few months ago and she started getting on to me because I wasn't opening the package of sausage right, Result? I tossed the package on the counter, sat back down at the table and finished my coffee. I didn't say a word and she made breakfast. Later, she apologized for treating me like she did. Although I appreciated the apology, hell will freeze over before I make sausage for breakfast again and she knows it.
> 
> Since you don't do the laundry right, quit doing it. If she complains about something else, quit doing it. Also, don't put up with the screaming and treating you like a child. You're a grown man. Start acting like it and lay down some boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn't.


^^^THIS^^^

Excuse me but your wife sounds like a *****!!

How old is your daughter?

You know your daughter watches her mom and will start emulating her.

As Diceplayer said, if your wife doesn't like the way you do something STOP doing it.

She sounds like a lot of fun to be around and NO you are NOT out of line feeling this way!!


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> [QUOTE="JTC_5280, post: 20308919, member: 349775"I do feel like she's a very different, less pleasant person than I met but maybe that's because I once had the energy to manage her negativity and pick her up off the floor when she was unhappy.


Do you think you'll remain married to her, or do you feel there needs to be changes made in how the two of you interact? 

I'm wondering why you felt the need to "manage" her emotions. Her behavior is not your responsibility;; it's hers to own.
[/QUOTE]

I so wish I'd understood that last point as a younger man, certainly before choosing to have kids with a person.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

sideways said:


> ^^^THIS^^^
> 
> Excuse me but your wife sounds like a ***!!
> 
> ...


Very true. I actually see the same type of relationship that we're developing in her parents. Her mother is a nice enough person generally speaking but I told my wife long ago that I would never ever tolerate the type of marriage her father is in. and for many years, we were on the same page about that. She had issues for a long time with her mother over this and unfortunately over time, I've seen the resistance subside and see more of her mom coming out. It's a massive problem. I will not be 70 and just roll over like her dad does whenever my MIL wants something her way.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JTC_5280 said:


> I know that got a little whiney at the end but I felt all of it necessary to ask this question. Am I really crazy to think spouses should appreciate each other? I generally don't expect a pat on the back for equal work but when slips ups in a busy week lead to shouting and put downs, shouldn't we at least recognize effort elsewhere? I feel like I have not sat down from 7:00 to 10:00 pm this week and the only comment I've received on it, was that I'm incapable of handling laundry. It bothers me that in the 12 years we've been together I may be able to count on my hand the positive comments I've received about anything, from how I am as a dad, to how I look, or anything in between. To hear my spouse laugh down the idea that we should compliment each other was hurtful, especially since I make it a point to do so when I feel she's overwhelmed.
> 
> In short, we always, always fight about housework, which I feel is just a manifestation of some big differences I see in we feel the other should be treated. I feel quite unappreciated across the board and really at this point, am unsure if she's right that I expect too much or if I have a spouse that is really as unbearable as it sometimes feels. Its to the point that I now get anxiety every time I hear a loud noise because I'm expecting her to yell at me for forgetting something. I don't share things I like with her because I've basically given up any expectation she'll show interest or encourage them.
> 
> Not sure what to do. Try another talk? Get over my sensitivity?


You both contribute to your dynamic. 

She is out of line and disrespectful / likely does not respect you. From that view, she won't be acknowledging you in forms of appreciation. 

As far as compliments, I think that can be a personality thing - whether someone is open to giving (and receiving) compliments. There's other forms of appreciation that can occur though. But to me that's less significant than being with someone who respects themself enough to be able to demonstrate respect to their spouse. Or respect themself enough to not put up with crappy behavior. 

I agree with suggestions of stop doing that stuff. If there's a loud bang, I'd say 'Cut that sh!t out. There's no place for that with me.' and walk away. Stop engaging with those fights. I agree with you that it's less about the chores and more a manifestation of other big differences. I wouldn't try another talk. I also don't think it's about 'getting over' sensitivity. Your actions will matter though. Which way you want to go with it is up to you. There's been good suggestions so far, and then I came along..! haha ...but no doubt, there'll be more helpful TAM-ers who can bring their experiences to the table as food for thought.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

JTC_5280 said:


> *Have to admit that under different circumstances, the D would definitely would've came to mind more. But she is a permanent resident and the fear or her taking my daughter "home" is a risk I can't bear. I'd rather be unhappy all my life with my spouse than watch my daughter move overseas.*


As a man I can tell you that you definitely come across as a weak man ruled by fear; afraid to make waves and confront because you just don't seem to have the "balls".
You only have to move your ass to a lawyer's office where they'll make sure that your wife can't take your child out of the country. Moreover, if your child is a minor in order for that child to board an international flight the accompanying parent most produce a notarized release from the other parent giving permission for the child to leave the country. So verify this with a lawyer, set things in place so that if she tries to leave with the child she would be stopped at the point of departure.

Dude grow a pair, if my wife were to say **** like that to me I would put her in her place right away. I don't let her or anybody, not even at my work to belittle me or disrespect me without me strongly reacting to put them in their place. If you do not command respect for yourself, do not expect to be respected. If you go about life reacting in fear, well you'll be tear apart. Predators know when the pray is weak and in fear, they can sense, smell it, feel it. You can be at the top of the food chain or you can be fodder, chose.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You said she works from 8.00am until 10.00pm outside the house, but then you say that you both work from home (the dishes in the sink bit)? I'm confused.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You said she works from 8.00am until 10.00pm outside the house, but then you say that you both work from home (the dishes in the sink bit)? I'm confused.


Those aren't her regular, always, all the time hours. There was a reply from OP buried in a quoted post.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> As a man I can tell you that you definitely come across as a weak man ruled by fear; afraid to make waves and confront because you just don't seem to have the "balls".
> You only have to move your ass to a lawyer's office where they'll make sure that your wife can't take your child out of the country. Moreover, if your child is a minor in order for that child to board an international flight the accompanying parent most produce a notarized release from the other parent giving permission for the child to leave the country. So verify this with a lawyer, set things in place so that if she tries to leave with the child she would be stopped at the point of departure.
> 
> Dude grow a pair, if my wife were to say **** like that to me I would put her in her place right away. I don't let her or anybody, not even at my work to belittle me or disrespect me without me strongly reacting to put them in their place. If you do not command respect for yourself, do not expect to be respected. If you go about life reacting in fear, well you'll be tear apart. Predators know when the pray is weak and in fear, they can sense, smell it, feel it. You can be at the top of the food chain or you can be fodder, chose.


Honestly man, I've been that route. It's not that I haven't stood my ground before. As I said, the calm thing is a new approach and it took me suppressing anger. I usually blow up on her which just makes a big fight and neither of us budge. What I was looking for this time was a way to actually make my marriage work so my daughter doesn't grow up without both parents. When she was a baby, our yelling didn't mean anything accept for being loud. Now she's older and she will soon get it. My concern is my kid and not having her come up in a broken home like I did. So part of that is me asking if maybe I am actually the "crazy one" which I've never thought I am. Just wanted to bounce this latest off some other folks to see if it's in my head. Again I know what a broken man looks like (her dad). No way that will ever be me but if I can save this marriage and maintain my self respect at the same time, I'd like to for the sake of my daughter.


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## JTC_5280 (May 26, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You said she works from 8.00am until 10.00pm outside the house, but then you say that you both work from home (the dishes in the sink bit)? I'm confused.


This week. Since last year, we've both been at home most of the time.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Those aren't her regular, always, all the time hours. There was a reply from OP buried in a quoted post.


ok, cheers... I missed that!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

JTC_5280 said:


> Honestly man, I've been that route. It's not that I haven't stood my ground before. As I said, the calm thing is a new approach and it took me suppressing anger. I usually blow up on her which just makes a big fight and neither of us budge. What I was looking for this time was a way to actually make my marriage work so my daughter doesn't grow up without both parents. When she was a baby, our yelling didn't mean anything accept for being loud. Now she's older and she will soon get it. My concern is my kid and not having her come up in a broken home like I did. So part of that is me asking if maybe I am actually the "crazy one" which I've never thought I am. Just wanted to bounce this latest off some other folks to see if it's in my head. Again I know what a broken man looks like (her dad). No way that will ever be me but if I can save this marriage and maintain my self respect at the same time, I'd like to for the sake of my daughter.


You should know by now that keeping yourself in a marriage for the sake of the kids, doesn't work, it never has because when you do that you are teaching your children what a dysfunctional marriage looks like normal and they will continue on perpetrating that dynamics. Children are not stupid they can sense, realized, observed, assimilate everything. They're a sponge. They know, eventually when the crystal clear realization for them that their parents don't love or like each other, disrespect each other, or that one of the parent bends over and take in the name of staying together children not only lose respect for their parents, they blame their parents for their own unhappiness.

It's always much, much better for children two happy homes (or at least one happy home which they can use as a refuge) than one miserable home. Your choice. you pick your own poison, make your own destiny, whether by capitulating or by moving forward with your own life. Do not teach your children to be afraid pushovers.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JTC_5280 said:


> Am I really crazy to think spouses should appreciate each other?


Next time your wife loses it and starts fussing, try redirecting the conversation by telling her how much you legitimately appreciate something that she did recently. 

Otherwise she just see you get defensive and try to redirect frustration by pointing our her flaws. That is not going to help these situations.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you need to just snap on her next time she complains. Be the louder voice, tell her your sick of he negativity, and nagging and you can’t stand to be around it. That might scare her straight .


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> *I think you need to just snap on her next time she complains. Be the louder voice, tell her your sick of he negativity, and nagging and you can’t stand to be around it. That might scare her straight .*


This has always been my main approach to nagginess when I already have had enough. It does work, but I'm sure that with a segment of the population this approach makes the situation to escalade out of control and the best best way is to say "No more of this until you're reasonable" and walk away and let things chill. in other cases the solution is to dump the partner and get a more suitable mate.


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