# Cell Phones Privacy & Trust in a Marriage



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'm forever running across stories on this forum where one spouse has found questionable texts/calls/voicemails on their spouses phones and want to confront them about it but hesitate because they feel they`ve invaded their spouses "privacy" and will be called on it by their spouse when they confront.

I don`t understand this.
I am allowed and able and privileged enough to be able to penetrate my wife's body without explicit objective consent but I can`t look at her phone?

I was in the bathroom today and my cell rang
I got out of the bathroom and the wife said "You had a call" I asked "who was it?"

She told me she didn`t know as she handed it to me.
I thought that was strange as I would've at the very least checked the lock screen to see who the caller was if it was her phone.
So apparently she`s got a bit of this "Cell phone is off limits" mentality.

How is this justified in a marriage where not but a decade ago couples shared a single phone line in the house for nearly all communications?

How did we get here?


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

I've thought the same thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I agree. Its a stupid idea. I think as teens people decided their phone wasnt open to their parents, but then they have tried to extend the secrecy to their spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I was in the bathroom today and my cell rang
> I got out of the bathroom and the wife said "You had a call" I asked "who was it?"
> 
> She told me she didn`t know as she handed it to me.
> ...


Or maybe she really just sees it as YOUR phone. It's your phone, whomever called wants to talk to you, she's not part of that equation and probably doesn't care to know who it is.

Sometimes it's that simple. In a home with one line, it was a shared phone so the call coming in could be for anyone in the house. Cell phones are for one individual at a time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it's all part and parcel of this idea the younger generation has now that they are entitled to so much. I've seen it in employees - the younger ones we hire all seem to have an attitude that the company OWES them things right from day one. Gone are the days where an employee had to earn their perks. I honestly believe kids are being raised now with the idea that the world owes them and not the other way around. And not necessarily by their parents - it's an idea they get from the media, their peers, their teachers, everyone. Didn't hand in an assignment? Oh, well, then you can have another week, don't worry about it. A zero? We don't give kids zeros, it's too hard on their self esteem. Your wife wants to monitor your internet use? b i t c h


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I agree. Its a stupid idea. I think as teens people decided their phone wasnt open to their parents, but then they have tried to extend the secrecy to their spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But I didn't get a phone until I was 25.

I still get weirded out if Husband looked. I wouldn't freak out, but I'd wonder what he wants with it.

I guess because our phone is our phone. People calling/texting/etc is for us...no one else, unlike the house phone where it was a surprise who it would be for (in the old days).

So...that being said, I think we got into that "it's only for me" mode, which leads to weirdness about the phone.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I think it's all part and parcel of this idea the younger generation has now that they are entitled to so much. I've seen it in employees - the younger ones we hire all seem to have an attitude that the company OWES them things right from day one. Gone are the days where an employee had to earn their perks. I honestly believe kids are being raised now with the idea that the world owes them and not the other way around. And not necessarily by their parents - it's an idea they get from the media, their peers, their teachers, everyone. Didn't hand in an assignment? Oh, well, then you can have another week, don't worry about it. A zero? We don't give kids zeros, it's too hard on their self esteem. Your wife wants to monitor your internet use? b i t c h


I give zeros and I don't accept late work or excuses. Life's rough. Deal 

But yea, people feel entitled to everything these days.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Or maybe she really just sees it as YOUR phone. It's your phone, whomever called wants to talk to you, she's not part of that equation and probably doesn't care to know who it is.
> 
> Sometimes it's that simple. In a home with one line, it was a shared phone so the call coming in could be for anyone in the house. Cell phones are for one individual at a time.


:iagree: :iagree: I was thinking the exact same thing. Maybe she just doesn't care, and totally trusts him. :scratchhead: Is that possible in this day and age?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: I was thinking the exact same thing. Maybe she just doesn't care, and totally trusts him. :scratchhead: *Is that possible in this day and age? *


Of course it is. 

It's just rare round these parts... :rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> I give zeros and I don't accept late work or excuses. Life's rough. Deal


I wish my kids had had you as a teacher then. I was told by several over the years that they weren't ALLOWED to give zeros


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Darkhorse said:


> But I didn't get a phone until I was 25.
> 
> I still get weirded out if Husband looked. I wouldn't freak out, but I'd wonder what he wants with it.
> 
> ...


What if your spouse wanted to look at a credit card statement and see where you've been spending money?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Believe it or not, our pre-marital counselor had the foresight to bring up these kinds of issues 24 years ago, although he spoke about it generically in the context of our right to privacy in the ways we communicate at work and in our personal life. I'm with you - I don't get it. If my wife found a mysterious email on my smartphone, she'd address the issue with a ball peen hammer. We'd never accept anything less than complete transparency. The same goes for financial transactions and credit cards, although we both maintain a 'secret' account at Christmas time.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: I was thinking the exact same thing. Maybe she just doesn't care, and totally trusts him. :scratchhead: Is that possible in this day and age?


It`s not even an infidelity thing or trust thing, it`s weirder than that.

I would`ve checked the lock screen if it were her phone because she`s been waiting for a call from her business landlord, or because it could`ve been one of our kids or any number of legitimate reasons for wanting to make sure she gets a necessary call.

I just find it odd she even refused (or claimed to) to glance at the number calling because apparently it's "none of her business".
To my mind it is her business for the reasons cited above.

This isn`t a "thing" for me because I pick up her phone whenever I want to as it`s never occurred to me it was off limits.
I also couldn't care less if she were answering my phone when I wasn't near it.

I just find it odd that our entire lives are open to our spouses but there is this weird social taboo about touching someone else's phone, even our spouses.

I think the entitlement problem mentioned probably has a lot to do with it.

I`m just saying that if I ever did find an inappropriate text on her phone I wouldn't for a second even legitimize a complaint of "Respecting her privacy".

That **** won`t fly in this house.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & mine are completely transparent with each other, we've been this way since our teens. We do not know of any other way to be. 

I am working on a thread on this -I need to shorten it , I am too long winded.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I have wondered the same thing. I have the password to my husbands phone and he has mine. I wouldn't even give it a thought if he grabbed my phone to look at it. He can answer my phone if he so pleases. My husband phones rings for 2 reasons his family (mother, brother etc) or work. I will tell him who is calling but i wont answer only cause a) i cant stand his family and b) its his job i might answer and say hold on a sec while i get him but no chit chat. I might ask if he remembers the password so he doesnt lock it up and need a factory reset to fix it but he can look at whatever he wants on my phone. He does get a little weird when I am in close proximity to his phone but generally won't stop me or snatch the phone away if I pick it up. 

The one thing that would maybe bother me is if he was doing it but trying to act like he wasn't and put the phone back like he never touched it before i came back into the room. I don't care about looking at my phone but please dont make it seem like im stupid and dont know you looked. Don't know if that makes any sense.


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> What if your spouse wanted to look at a credit card statement and see where you've been spending money?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fine by me! I don't have a credit card :rofl:


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## Darkhorse (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, and for me it's not about "oh he'll catch me in something..." because 99% of my texts are to him during the day and I don't have internet on my phone and I'm simply not doing anything behind his back.

But if he wanted to see my phone, ok then. If I thought he was snooping, I'd look deeper into why he doesn't trust me.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

I have no reason or desire to snoop through my wife's phone. It's her phone and, unless I have cause to feel otherwise, I'll respect her privacy to it. I don't think she'd mind if I were to check it out, but why would I? I don't want to go through life being suspicious.
Unless she's been snooping behind my back, she feels the same about my phone. I'd never say 'no' if she wanted to look, but I think she should ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I just find it odd she even refused (or claimed to) to glance at the number calling because apparently it's "none of her business".
> 
> I just find it odd that our entire lives are open to our spouses but there is this weird social taboo about touching someone else's phone, even our spouses.
> 
> I think the entitlement problem mentioned probably has a lot to do with it.


I see entitlement as the inverse of commitment, one feels they are entitled to be relieved from committing to another in a certain area. One's spouse treats one the way they expect to be treated themselves. A spouse that doesn't look at your phone expects you not to look at theirs. This area of personal privacy is seen as being held outside the commitment to each other in marriage. Just my 2 cents


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I still need to maintain some degree of independence and autonomy. I am deathly afraid of turning into one of those wives with no identity of her own. 

So my husband and I do not read each other's mail. He does not go through my cell phone, nor do I eavesdrop on his calls. I keep a journal and my husband refuses to read it, because those are my private thoughts.

Although I am only 29, I was raised as though it was 1956. I have been working since I was sixteen and I did not have a phone until I was 21-that is when I could pay for it myself.

Since I attended strict Catholic schools, the teachers had no qualms about giving zeros. Some nuns even used to pull our ears. 

I understand that everyone has to put in a lot of effort to rise at work. I am ashamed to be a part of a generation of entitled twits. So many of them leave college or university, expecting to earn six figures just because they have a piece of paper. 

What makes me laugh are the lies teachers tell now: "You can do anything you put your mind to!" :rofl: I have cousin who needed special classes and can barely spell. She is very lazy and likes nice things, but refuses to work. This fool thinks that she will be a doctor.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

I snooped thru my wife's phone after seeing red flags. At first I felt guily about it. After finding x-rated jokes/pics from an employer, I was glad I looked and confronted her about them.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I think most people non-consciously identify "inside the computer" as an extension of the mind. Poking around in someone else's mind inherently feels like an intrusion because you have a default assumption that your own mind is private. Now that phones are computers this sense of privacy makes their use an extremely intimate activity. Very few couples have the level of intimacy necessary to make poking around in each others mind an acceptable thing; thus most people are uncomfortable looking at their partners phone and feel violated if their partner looks at theirs.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Yardman said:


> I snooped thru my wife's phone after seeing red flags. At first I felt guily about it. After finding x-rated jokes/pics from an employer, I was glad I looked and confronted her about them.


I have done this also, fortunately there was nothing inappropriate to discover. I felt horribly guilty about it, I still do actually, but I believe it was completely justified considering the situation. I'm glad I looked but I don't think I ever will again.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I looked when red flags started to appear and felt guilty about it. But I discovered one of the texts she hadn't erased. When confronted, she got defensive and got offended that I looked. For the next couple of months, she never let the phone out of her site. When I finally got ahold of the call/text logs, I knew why. 

If you have nothing to hide, then your life should be transparent. We hide things when we are ashamed.

Now that we are working on R, she has been very transparent, including access to her phone. I still feel guilty looking, but will continue to do so until the level of trust is built back up. 

Marriage is a dependency thing, not an independency thing. You should depend on your partner to support you, love you and trust you. But when your(or my) actions make them question the safety of that marriage, then I have no problem with someone seeking answers for why the marriage no longer feels safe.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Complete dependence is only for children, not two adults. Ideally, a marriage should be about _interdependence._ 

Privacy has nothing to do with shame. It is about having boundaries and wanting to be more than just "Mr/Mrs. So and So." 

I have done nothing to make my husband suspicious, so he does not need check my phone or my journal.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I'm forever running across stories on this forum where one spouse has found questionable texts/calls/voicemails on their spouses phones and want to confront them about it but hesitate because they feel they`ve invaded their spouses "privacy" and will be called on it by their spouse when they confront.
> 
> I don`t understand this.
> I am allowed and able and privileged enough to be able to penetrate my wife's body without explicit objective consent but I can`t look at her phone?
> ...


You're right about this. My husband and I have plenty of problems, but that kind of secrecy isn't one of them. We know all of each other's cell phone and email passwords and so on. Ironically it makes it much easier to trust each other. Even at our worst, when he trusted me the least, I could show him that he could look anytime he wanted at my fb, email and everything else.


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## OhSotanned (Dec 7, 2011)

Today's day in age OUR new world advancements 
Computer, cell phones, i pads, VOIP, Skype, even Alarm Systems! should I continue? has turned relationships into stress instead of hurt.
My broken marriage of 24 yrs (in divorce now) married at 19, pretty much started it's ruins when PC came about. My soon to finally be ex who is computer "dumb" always always! questioned me when I was on the computer TILL THIS DAY he still believes that computers are for chatting and just meeting people. Has no idea how to turn on a PC or has an e-mail address. TRUST ME HE DOESN'T. When ever my cell rang he had to TURN HIS FACE and see my reaction to tell who I was talking to. When I moved around on my Ipad looking for a song to play he would ask WHO ARE you texting! ENOUGH!! 
I'm presently living in 'STILL" our house & he lives over 1,000 miles away THANK GOD! and when he feels like coming down he just comes and doesn't even give me a heads up!! He shows up this past September "MISERABLE!" and we barely said a word to each other. We would just answer questions when needed. LITTLE DID HE KNOW that I knew every move he made in the house (when I asked him if he left or did?... ...on something -TESTING HIM he would lie!!) I could signed into my alarm system site and it will tell me -what door entrance was opened, front, back, upstairs terrace, garage & what time it was opened & how long it was opened for && text me if any door left open for over 15 minutes. Several times as soon as I left to work he was out the door 15/20 minutes after I left and back hours later. I would ask if he went anywhere and he would say no I stood home all day LMAO!!!! 
Well this is the 20th century and if a relationship is that pitty then it's time to let it go. 
With the love of GOD I found the LOVE OF MY LIFE. Who I can leave my phone by, who I can leave myself signed on PC with info, who never gives me a reason to question . who is here watching me type this now  He had his share in life and so did I and we now mend each other. 
Blessing to new relationships AND MUCH TRUST


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

> I don`t understand this.
> I am allowed and able and privileged enough to be able to penetrate my wife's body without explicit objective consent but I can`t look at her phone?


Or in many cases...the person who has medical power of attorney over me in emergency medical situations objects me to me seeing their texts. Seriously?

Privacy and secrets are two very different things and dynamics.

IF I ever end up married again (prefer lifetime girlfriend) want complete openness in either case...we can see each others stuff...whats the big deal


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wheels65 said:


> Or in many cases...the person who has medical power of attorney over me in emergency medical situations objects me to me seeing their texts. Seriously?


Yeah I hadn`t thought of that but the person who I have complete power of life & death over in certain situations is going to give me a hard time for looking at her phone?
:rofl:



> Privacy and secrets are two very different things and dynamics.
> 
> IF I ever end up married again (prefer lifetime girlfriend) want complete openness in either case...we can see each others stuff...whats the big deal


I`m with you.

If I ever get divorced I won`t be doing this marriage thing again.

I also can`t think of a single reason I`d want to keep my wife from having my phone other than I was up to no good.

As long as I`m not up to no good I don`t have a problem with it.


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