# Common Features of Successful Relationships



## Deejo

Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons

This article is actually written by the guy who authored the only book that I now recommend to men who want to be able to improve how they interact with, and relate to women, Mark Manson.


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## personofinterest

Out of curiosity, what is the name of the book you recommend?


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## Deejo

personofinterest said:


> Out of curiosity, what is the name of the book you recommend?


One of his first, and long before he became a married man. Since coming here over a decade ago, thinking I knew myself, my now ex-wife, and how to conduct myself in a loving supportive relationship and be a partner of value, and finding out I wasn't nearly as good at those things as I imagined; I've read a lot of books and made a lot adjustments. Have read books on relationships, self-improvement, and yes, pickup. The book is called Models.

https://markmanson.net/books/models

And of course, everyone should read, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck" also Manson


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## personofinterest

I just wondered if it was one of those red pill/PUA type books lol

You know… keep her guessing, knock her off that pedestal type books lol


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## Deejo

personofinterest said:


> I just wondered if it was one of those red pill/PUA type books lol
> 
> You know… keep her guessing, knock her off that pedestal type books lol


It's about dating, and definitely has elements of game/pickup, but in my opinion it doesn't have the kind of language or inherent baggage that you find with titles that fall into the Red Pill category. And it is by no means new. It was written almost 10 years ago.

Needless to say, his perspective as an author has changed over time, just like most of us do.


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## NobodySpecial

Deejo said:


> Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons
> 
> This article is actually written by the guy who authored the only book that I now recommend to men who want to be able to improve how they interact with, and relate to women, Mark Manson.


Good!! Extra BOOM for

"3. The Most Important Factor in a Relationship is Not Communication, But Respect"


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## attheend02

Deejo said:


> It's about dating, and definitely has elements of game/pickup, but in my opinion it doesn't have the kind of language or inherent baggage that you find with titles that fall into the Red Pill category. And it is by no means new. It was written almost 10 years ago.
> 
> Needless to say, his perspective as an author has changed over time, just like most of us do.


I've read a few dating books since DD day - this one was pretty good. Not absolute like some of the other newer authors.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Many TAM folks could write that book as it's couched mostly with obvious items that would be in such a book.

Thank goodness this isn't a person come to market books.

What it seems, and facts bear this up is;

the real benefits to thise coming here are to be supported.

Each are persons who have lived these lists, yet in their personal lives, specific to them, they're encountering difficulties and tragedies, and looking for person to person support beyond generics.

Specific to their lives and individual encounters with the typical relationship components. 

Jolted out of their self blaming, surprise "this is happening to me" reverie, etc.

To gain some perspective. 

It may be an age old circumstance a poster may be posting about, but it's personal to each.

Personal encouragement is hopefully what each Poster receives here.


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## 3Xnocharm

Deejo said:


> Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons
> 
> This article is actually written by the guy who authored the only book that I now recommend to men who want to be able to improve how they interact with, and relate to women, Mark Manson.


Thank you for posting this, it made a lot of sense to me. :smile2:


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## NextTimeAround

NobodySpecial said:


> Good!! Extra BOOM for
> 
> "3. The Most Important Factor in a Relationship is Not Communication, But Respect"


One thing I have learned is that direct, verbal communication is not always the most effective.


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## Laurentium

Deejo said:


> Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons


It's a great article. I think I was one of the people who wrote to him at the time. 



> The Most Important Factor in a Relationship is Not Communication, But Respect


Yeah, but like everything else, think of that in terms of what you have to do. Not what your partner has to do. So it's not "they have to respect me", it's "I have to act in a way that doesn't prevent them from respecting me".


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## Laurentium

NextTimeAround said:


> One thing I have learned is that direct, verbal communication is not always the most effective.


Can you give an example?


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## NextTimeAround

Laurentium said:


> Can you give an example?


You may want to tell a family member, "yes, I would like to help you, but you really need to give me a 24 / 48 hour / whatever heads up."

My experience with that is that the other will tell you that they make every effort to do so but they can't always guarantee yada, yada, yada.

I know now that will be the only time that I tell them verbally what my boundary is. the next time I am asked to help out, either I won't repsond to the phone / e-mail / whatever until after the moment has passed or just tell them simply, "I can't help you this time."

I think it's interesting my grandfather, who was indeed a patriarch spent his last years wheelchair bound. At a time when he had 3 kids and a variety of adult grandkids still living in the same town, he would simply call someone demanding help RIGHT NOW. It was when answering machines (not voicemail yet) came into use and family members started using them and screening their phone calls.

My sister one time said "He's learned when he's asked for things nicely, he gets a lot more than he asks for."

Plus, I think sometimes certain people don't as if they are in control unless they making you do something either that you don't want to do or at least in a way that is inconveninet for you.


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## Laurentium

NextTimeAround said:


> I know now that will be the only time that I tell them verbally what my boundary is. the next time I am asked to help out, either I won't repsond to the phone / e-mail / whatever until after the moment has passed or just tell them simply, "I can't help you this time."


That makes sense. I guess the verbal communication and the behaviour need to be in agreement with each other.


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## NextTimeAround

Laurentium said:


> That makes sense. I guess the verbal communication and the behaviour need to be in agreement with each other.


Also, I think some people like that verbal sparring and saying with that smirk on their face "I hear what you are saying, but this time I really couldn't help it."


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## TheDudeLebowski

I scrolled through and saw that one I think is very important is missing. 

"Extremely lower the expectations of your spouse you dreamed up, and instead, fill that space with expectations of yourself to be kind and thoughtful"


Basically, this leads to less disappointment and areas where resentment can creep in and plant their seed. Having high expectations of your spouse is like watering and caring for a resentment garden. Those seeds of resentment will germinate quite quickly as a result of their failures to meet your expectations. 

"I expect he/she does the dishes when I'm working late" 

"I expect he/she goes out of their way to provide gifts for me on special occasions"

"I expect he/she will do XYZ without me having to ask them to do it" 

Great way to set your R or M up for big fights. Instead, turn the expectations on yourself. 

"I expect myself to give all I can of my time, my resources, and myself to this relationship. I expect myself to be the best spouse for them I can be, without being asked to be better and with nothing required in return" 


Obviously this won't solve all disagreements, but if both spouses take this approach it will stop many from happening, and will make disagreements that come up much easier to resolve. It also keeps resentment from creeping in, taking root in the cracks of your foundation like a dandelion.


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## MEM2020

There’s a simple question you can ask about any of these advice gurus. Would I want my divorced mom or my adult daughter to marry a guy who subscribes to this fellow’s ideology?

It’s a simple question. And for the typical red pill dispensing guru, my answer is HELL NO. But for Mark Manson, my answer is hell yes. Truth is, he follows the golden rule. 




Deejo said:


> It's about dating, and definitely has elements of game/pickup, but in my opinion it doesn't have the kind of language or inherent baggage that you find with titles that fall into the Red Pill category. And it is by no means new. It was written almost 10 years ago.
> 
> Needless to say, his perspective as an author has changed over time, just like most of us do.


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## Somearebiased

What do you people have against men’s rights and the red pill. Women are programmed a certain way same w men. We are different. Some Women tend to skirt around their true nature and never seem satisfied even when improvements are made... hypergamy is real whether I catch flak for this or not it’s real. Men just need to find a less hypergamous woman to marry. God bless


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## DoesItGetBetter?

Thank you for posting this article. I like the ideas of talking openly about all everything (no secrets) and treating each other's opinions, hobbies, and interests equally.


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## MEM2020

Deejo,
I think that Manson may have taken it down, but he had a 3-5 page summary of what makes a man attractive. It was the best summary I ever read on the topic. It accurately depicted the reactions I’d seen from women all my life. 

And there wasn’t a single instance of him recommending a golden rule violation. Which was why I believed this was the best guide I’d ever seen to the ‘long game.’ 

And since I like Mark M. so much, I have to admit that I’m glad he dodged the bullet of Erika - his completely insane ex GF. 






Deejo said:


> Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons
> 
> This article is actually written by the guy who authored the only book that I now recommend to men who want to be able to improve how they interact with, and relate to women, Mark Manson.


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## MEM2020

Deejo,
One of Manson’s traits is his facility with language. His ability to frame concepts is excellent. The other is his sense of humor. When combined you get this little gem from an article he write about being sexually harassed on a flight. M2, like Mark M, is perfectly comfortable inventing words. His word below - a riff on Constantinople (Istanbul) is truly hilarious. 

Typically when M2 uses a word I’m unfamiliar with, a micro expression flits cross my face. It reflects a real emotion, uncertainty. This typically produces a brief volley which goes like:
M2: Wait - is XYZ not a real word
Me: (sincerely) I’m not sure (English has about 350,000 words - I doubt that I know half of them - long ago I read that 100,000 words is considered an excellent vocabulary). While expressing uncertainty I am rapidly googling the word.
Me: Yes (in a happy voice)
M2: (suspiciously) Yes what? Is it a real word? Or a word of the future?

Because worst case I always assure her that whatever word she uses - will at some point come into common usage and shortly thereafter make its way into the dictionary. This is because her new words are always riffs or fusions of other words - that produce an easily understood meaning. 




Mark Manson....
Each word launches torpedoes of halitosis-laden air toward me; the man has possibly the most vile breath my lungs have ever confronted. I begin inching my head back farther and farther away from him, but the entire region is crop-dusted. He leans — no, invades — the invisible armrest-border into my territory, besieging me and my comfy 14L leather-chair empire, blanketing me with his esophageal stench and pleasantries; Markantinople is burning, burning with the stench of old man, ransacked and pillaged, subjected to wave after wave of non-conversation.





Deejo said:


> Every Successful Relationship is Successful for the Exact Same Reasons
> 
> This article is actually written by the guy who authored the only book that I now recommend to men who want to be able to improve how they interact with, and relate to women, Mark Manson.


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## heartsbeating

MEM2020 said:


> M2: (suspiciously) Yes what? Is it a real word? *Or a word of the future?*
> 
> Because worst case I always assure her that whatever word she uses - will at some point come into common usage and shortly thereafter make its way into the dictionary. This is because her new words are always riffs or fusions of other words - that produce an easily understood meaning.


...this is endearing!


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## dadstartingover

Somearebiased said:


> What do you people have against men’s rights and the red pill. Women are programmed a certain way same w men. We are different. Some Women tend to skirt around their true nature and never seem satisfied even when improvements are made... hypergamy is real whether I catch flak for this or not it’s real. Men just need to find a less hypergamous woman to marry. God bless


As a guy who runs a website and facebook page for men, we are all officially tired of the guys who pop in with "HAVE YOU TAKEN THE RED PILL YET!? YOU SHOULD. HYPERGAMY. MGTOW. ALPHA."

We GET IT. You have just discovered the concept of HYPERGAMY and it has changed your entire worldview. It's like the 14-year-old who just discovered Ayn Rand. Great, now go read Jung. 

Yes, men and women are different. We know you're not getting laid. Sure, it's everyone else's fault. Whatever floats your boat. Let's kick the level of conversation up a cerebral notch or two, Alpha Chad.


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## arbitrator

*Empathy, patience, care, and love of your partner, of God, and of your fellow man!

That just about says it all!*


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## Faithful Wife

arbitrator said:


> *Empathy, patience, care, and love of your partner, of God, and of your fellow man!
> 
> That just about says it all!*


Arb, will you marry me? 0


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## Faithful Wife

dadstartingover said:


> As a guy who runs a website and facebook page for men, we are all officially tired of the guys who pop in with "HAVE YOU TAKEN THE RED PILL YET!? YOU SHOULD. HYPERGAMY. MGTOW. ALPHA."
> 
> We GET IT. You have just discovered the concept of HYPERGAMY and it has changed your entire worldview. It's like the 14-year-old who just discovered Ayn Rand. Great, now go read Jung.
> 
> Yes, men and women are different. We know you're not getting laid. Sure, it's everyone else's fault. Whatever floats your boat. Let's kick the level of conversation up a cerebral notch or two, Alpha Chad.


Thank you, Dad. :x


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## arbitrator

Faithful Wife said:


> *Arb, will you marry me? 0*


*Only if you are an unmarried, good-natured "old fart-ess!"

And can cook, or put up with mine!*


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## Faithful Wife

arbitrator said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> *Arb, will you marry me? <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_angel.png" border="0" alt="" title="Angel" ></a>*
> 
> 
> 
> *Only if you are an unmarried, good-natured "old fart-ess!"
> 
> And can cook, or put up with mine!*
Click to expand...

Well dang, I’ve never been called an old fartess so I don’t think I’m up to your standards! Lolz

Cheers!


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## Tilted 1

Another thought, when one does a wonderful ( insert yours here) and it is not seen by them or causes anger, fear, resentment, discontent, and hurt. Then by you not wanting to be upped, maybe tend to repeat with another ( insert yours here again) then same occurs, tend to be define by your chosen mate. Stop..... Doing this to yourself, do without a need for reciprocation. Spare oneself the pain of validation. It will only weakens ones self worth. 

Just do it for love. And nothing else!


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## arbitrator

Faithful Wife said:


> *Well dang, I’ve never been called an old fartess so I don’t think I’m up to your standards! Lolz
> 
> Cheers!*


*Old farts do have a marked tendency to levitate toward their own kind!*


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## Johan S.

Many things but I think the communication one is a bit of a cliché that's not always true. You can communicate a great deal in a bad relationship too, but you won't have a great relationship where communication doesn't get the attention it needs by one of the partners. 

Humans are so complicated, how are we to figure out each other without spelling out specific things sometimes, unless you believe in mind reading? That being said, communication isn't the be all end all. 

Trust and independence come to mind, the ability to thrive as an individual while giving and receiving love easily.
If there are issues to be discussed, do it with respect, practice active listening, share common values and goals in life...

So many things!

But people always come with a history and matching habits and expectations, healthy or not, some things won't work with everybody.


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