# Stepmom problems



## angelvic (Nov 17, 2010)

Hello, please read my story and give me some advice!!!!


I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman, 4 years ago I met my husband on the internet , he is 52 years old, fell in love and I left my whole life in Hungary my old parents, friends, brother and came over to the USA and we got married. We are happily married, I love him so much, he is the best husband ever.
I do not have any children, but he has a 12 year old daughter who is being raised by my husband ex wife, almost all week, my husband sees her only Wednesdays and Saturdays. 
I have 3 degrees in teaching, I was a higly respected English and Literature teacher in Hungary.I have a university degree as well.I always loved children and I always wanted to teach them. I have taught about 1000 children while I was a teacher., and I have learned children psychology for 4 years.
So when I came over I was so happy that we will have a nice family, she was 10 years old then I was eager to be with her. My husband explained to her he loves me and her so much as well, I will be his wife and I will take care of them as well. I was very nice to them, I pleased them, cooked for them, kept the house clean, took care of them. I bought little surprises for her, baked her favourite cookies, cooked her favourite meals . But she never appreciate this, never accepted me, never was close to me, never respected me, she is always against me, talks back to me, sasses, and I can ask anything her answer is : I do not know, I do not care. 

My husband talked to her again like: "Please be nice to her because she is very nice to you. She does everything for us, she is wonderful. I think she just does not want to accept anybody who is around her father!!!She is jelaous and refuse everything what I want. If I want to go to walk, she does not want to, if I want to do what she always like, she does not want either.
We have moved into a new house in June, we were very happy, and I got pregnant, but after 8 weeks I miscarried our baby. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and my blood suger and blood pressure were very high.
We told her that we will have brand new furniture, brand new appliances, TV everthing, they were not cheap so please take care of everything. We set simple rules in the house: shoes off, clean after yourself, brush teeth, put pijama on, no internet after 10 etc. It was very very difficult for her to keep them, but finally she does them.
She never listens to me, I have asked her not to remove her nailpolish on the brand new table...she did not say anything, then she ruined the table with the nailpolish, and I told her, look what have you done...she asked back: SOOOOOOOOO??????? She hates me, and she hates everything which related to me.
I have a wonderful sweet dwarf hanging ear bunny at home, she is our pet, she is free in the whole house, and I brough her from Hungary. Every children was crazy about her, and my husband daughter never every pads her, she ignores her. 

She is always bored at us, she never likes anything, so the last few weekends when her mother picked her up, she was always crying because she told her mother I did not let her anything, I am not fun, I am stupid, I am not cool, so I am the bad person in her eyes.
I take 4 medication every day for my high blood pressure, because usually it is 160 /100, I was at the emergency many times with high blood pressure. Every Wednesday and every weekend when she is around my blood pressure is 210/140 I am near the strokes or heart attack. I do not need this. The doctors told me that my life is in danger with 210/140 blood pressure.
The main problem is I try to discipline her or train her, because her father never tells her what she should not do. He has only 2 afternoons a week and he wants to be with her without disciplining.He is very blind, he always defends her daughter.He does not want to spoil their relationship or time together that's why he lets her everything.

Her mom does not discipline her at all, she is very liberal, she lets her daughter doing anything.
We have reached that point two weeks ago that in a car, when my husband was driving, after a little argument (when she was defending till death one of her stepsister) she kicked my shoulder very bad and talked back to me like trash.
After this I have texted to my husband exwife and asked for help and I told her that I have problems with her daughter.She was always nice to me and helpful. But after this she sent a message back, that I am unreasonable, demanding, mean spirited and I did not earn to the right for being a stepmom of her daughter. I was shocked, that how she dared to say this after I did everything for her daughter, and I just asked for help.
And I texted back to her, that I did not expect this one, it is not intelligent, because she raises her daughter this way , her daughter is really very disrespectful and sassing, does not respect me, so she is not welcome in my home anymore with this behavior.
Since then she is not in my house I am calm and peaceful, my husband goes and see her every Wednesday and Saturday. It is much better for me, but painful for my husband. I think they/ we must go to a family therapist or psychologist, because my husband wants to make a family, but he could not make it so far.

Please tell me your opinion about this situation, I would like to have my husband read your opinion, maybe he will realizes that he was blind and look for a family therapist.

Thank you Angel


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's a 12 year old girl, in short, you have a TEENAGER on your hands. She is not doing it because she hates you, she's doing it because she s a TEEN. All teens at one time or another will test your limits, assert their independence, and you can preach to themm until your lungs collapse, but they are going to go and do their own thing, anyway.
Don't freak out too much, eventually, she will outgrow this phase, and you two will probably get along just fine.


----------



## healthybaby (Nov 27, 2010)

I would say dont try to discipline her or train her, you've try your best and did what you could do. Just think this way: she has her own parents, it's not your responsibility to train her.


----------



## LeahKoenig (Nov 19, 2010)

You may want to broaden your community and look at StepMom Magazine, Step Mom's on a Mission at: Welcome to StepMom's on a Mission, a support group for stepmothers or Step Mom Toolbox. Your plight really is following a common pattern and it may feel great to connect, read and email other step moms who have similar struggles so you don't feel alone and realize this isn't all about you this is just one of many hurdles of being a step mom. So take a breath, you are totally normal here.

The first action for you I would suggest is just to be the real you and stop pleasing. You are not going to get any gratitude from your step daughter so simply live your life the way that feels right and authentic to you. Sometimes when step children get older they appreciate the kindness shown to them by step parents and even genuinely want the relationship. This doesn't happen too often when they are still living under the same roof. If you want to offer small acts of kindness to your step daughter do so simply because it is your own desire and not expecting anything in return. Step children often times interpret these acts of kindness as manipulation and can be caustic in return. Simply be kind, nothing more is needed.

Next, your business is not to think about what biological mom thinks. Your business is you. Listen to her feedback and step daughter's feedback. See if there is a seed of truth in what they say. If there is, apologize and readjust where you can. If there isn't then continue on with what is right for you. 

Set some boundaries with your husband. It is his job to be in relationship with his daughter you are a supporting role. Sometimes step children rebel at the step mom because they actually miss their dad and want more of him but what they get is more of step mom. They can amp things up, be mean to the step mother, all in an attempt to get dad to give them more attention. 

Maybe dad was accustom to letting mom lead the way and take most of the responsiblity. When he married you he just naturally let you take on that role. He actually hasn't practiced being a disciplinarian or planning family time successfully. He hasn't had to because you stepped in and did if for him. The step daughter wants more of dad. Slowly give that role back over to dad. 

Grab a hold of what belongs to you and give the rest back to everyone else - including their emotional reactivity. Connect with a step mom community and focus on making yourself happy. You will have energy left to put towards creating a strong marriage with your husband. Think of your role as a resource to your husband on parenting rather than taking over the job.


----------

