# Confused.... again



## SJMan1974 (Jul 9, 2011)

It's been a while since I last posted here as my marriage was in an upturn... or so I thought. Nothing is ever perfect as my wife and I both work and have two children that are heavily into figure skating and hockey for most of the year. As this year moved along I was spending more and more time at the rink with the kids (which I enjoy). Anyway, I noticed my wife becoming more withdrawn from things again where once I got home she would adjourn to the bedroom and spend the evening online. This happened a few years ago as well, but we saw the mc and things started working a little better. The mc was also a parenting counselor and helped me to become a better parent as well. I often found myself yelling when getting frustrated, but managed to work myself out of that so that I could be the parent that my kids needed. It comes down to me feeling unappreciated and even abused in my home. My wife often comments about me being bald and a little over weight and often calls me by my mothers name (who she hated until she died and beyond). I do more than my fair share around the home and outside, but never is she satisfied. Well, last night her tablet pinged (she was in the other room) and I looked at the message coming in from one of her friends. There was a lot of talk of her not being appreciated and of a "relationship" with another man... the same one from the past that is also married. She makes it look like he is the one messaging her, but I can tell that she is the one keeping it going. 

I honestly don't think that I can deal with this sort of situation again. My problem is that I worry about my kids and I want the best for them and I also want what is best for me. It is hard to think that while I love her, she does not love me. I think I am going to have a few sleepless nights.

Sorry, I just needed to tell someone,
SJ


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

so what are you going to do about it? Wait and then make another post again confirming a PA or complaining how you still feel sad?


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Do these things-
1) Hit the gym.
2) Shave off your head. Full bald is the new sexy.
3) Buy Married Man's Sex Life Primer and No More A Nice Guy. Read them, understand them, implement them.
4) Don't engage her in any conversation if it's not of utmost importance. Let her know in clear terms you hate the disrespect. 
5) Collect evidence. Get the call records. Put a GPS and a VAR into her car. 
6) Don't confront her and the other guy before you get enough evidence to file for divorce on terms of adultery.

Most important of all, don't beg and cry in front of her. You can save this marriage *only* if you are willing to break it. You aren't alone on this boat.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her you found out she has gone back to cheating again and has she contacted an attorney yet.

If you have been through this before its time to move on.

Like has been mentioned before, make some changes in yourself.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> I often found myself *yelling when getting frustrated*, but managed to work myself out of that so that I could be the parent that my kids needed.
> 
> _Don't yell ever._
> 
> ...


You need to quit this relationship. It cannot be fixed. Work on yourself so that you will not make the same mistakes. Your wife is not healthy. She is not going to improve and even if she did the amount improvement necessary would be insurmountable.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

She has a total lack of respect for you.

Like the other's said, get to the gym. Start the 180 big time.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Get the **** out of there.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My feeling is that she not only doesn't respect you but has contempt for you. That's tough to come back from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Okay man here comes the boom. Drop kick the crap out of this. Round two on her part. I mean really/ You going to cold shoulder, demonize, complain about your personal appearance. You balding, or bald is nothing you can control. This is genetics in your family history. BTW, don't put a hair piece, or have the Bosley center try and help you. Go Steve Austin, and hit the weights. Myself, I do have my hair, big whoop. My physical appearance, in part was how I felt on the inside. Possible depression or just life slapping me around. I hit the gym hard, I mean hard. The buzz I got, not to mention the head turning I received was a big boost to the ego. My ex saw this and tried her best to get in the way of that. Right then and there she saw what she was losing and she knew in the near future, it wouldn't be her that touches me ever again. That sir is priceless. It's validation that I received,which in turn ups your sex rank. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The #1 thing you need to do at this point is read No More Mr Nice Guy and absorb it. We can help. It's a lot to take in. You have to change your philosophy, but here's the bottom line: women have to respect their man, or they will (1) cheat or (2) leave. There is no other way around it.

The WAY to getting that respect starts with reading NMMNG. Please start there.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame me."

-sammy


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to get out of the what do I do stage and start doing. At this point I would be past the info gathering.

1. By they way have you talked with an attorney yet and when are you moving out?
2. Talk with her only about the things the involve the kids and bills
3. Let that POS OM's wife know what is going on.

It is Monday morning, finish your coffee and get it done


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why do you want to continue to torture yourself? If you don't have a clue by now then you never will.

IMO, seek an attorney and file. You don't have to live like this but you choose to do so. Get out of this mess ASAP and get yourself some happiness.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm beginning to wonder whether you have a fetish for humiliation. Come on, man. If you loved your kids, you would commit to a path of living honestly that they could follow. Perhaps, honesty, for you, is the fetish that you are not "manly enough" for your wife. It's a common fantasy. In that case, I question whether you are a troll. 
Seriously, your wife calls you fat, bald and by your mom's name?! That is a new one, but it may be a niche.

On the other hand, you could be real. If so, then what are you uncertain about? What possible question could you have about this situation? How do you possibly think your kids are better off living in the situation that you have described? When they are teens, will they listen to "dear old dad" who has been continually demeaned in their eyes? If you have a boy, will he have resentment against women and become misogynistic as a reaction to how your wife treats you. If you have daughter, will she become the easy target of so many predators because she has "daddy issues"? I think that the answer is a resounding, YES! By staying, or by not firmly shutting down this behavior, you are ultimately going to be the WORST father for your kids. If you like living the whole, humiliation- hand wringing-what do I do- I can't sleep- I love her- I love my kids- what do I do except for follow the good advice that I have been getting type life, then stay or keep doing what you always do. If, you want the opposite of that, do the opposite of that!


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## SJMan1974 (Jul 9, 2011)

That's a nice few comments to read through. I didn't take this one easy like before. I should note that she calls me names, but they don't get me down. Lawyering up this time. I love my kids, but know that this sort of environment is not good for them. I know that I am a bit passive, but today I hit the wall and told her that I am leaving. We did mc before and I am not doing it again.

Thanks for your replies, now I have some work to do.

SJ


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

SJMan1974 said:


> That's a nice few comments to read through. I didn't take this one easy like before. I should note that she calls me names, but they don't get me down. Lawyering up this time. I love my kids, but know that this sort of environment is not good for them. I know that I am a bit passive, but today I hit the wall and told her that I am leaving. We did mc before and I am not doing it again.
> 
> Thanks for your replies, now *I have some work to do*.
> 
> SJ


You got a lot of work to do, brother. TAM will hold your hand. Keep posting.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Pick a point that you want to reach, lower your shoulder, grit your teeth, close your eyes, and don't stop till you get there. Then, repeat. I have found that with passive people, working like that works the best, until they learn not to be so passive. Good luck.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

SJMan1974 said:


> It comes down to me feeling unappreciated and even abused in my home. My wife often comments about me being bald and a little over weight and often calls me by my mothers name (who she hated until she died and beyond). I do more than my fair share around the home and outside, but never is she satisfied.


No Dawg, you don't feel unappreciated and abused. You are unappreciated and abused and you have no one to blame but yourself if you keep putting up with it. Start but cutting back on what you do around the house and spend the time off with the boys. Don't give me no sh-t about, "I have to be here for the kids". Some guys are off fighting in a foreign land and their kids do ok. I'm sure yours can survive a few hours a week without you. She walks all over you because you've always let her.


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## Undisclosed (Apr 14, 2014)

For what it's worth you are doing the right thing. No one deserves to be treated like that. And an unhealthy environment would eventually hurt your kids more than help. Best of luck to you.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

I used to be too passive, let life happen instead of MAKING life happen. A bit over the top but when I think I'm being rolled over I think of this scene:
Wyatt Earp walking on water against Curly Bill Brocius - YouTube
No. No more. A little inspiration helps. Time to lay the hammer down. I don't mean real violence of course, but In a metaphorical sense. No. Say it again, NO!

I'm pulling for your brother and wish you the best.

Cheers,
V(13)


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

SJMan1974 said:


> That's a nice few comments to read through. I didn't take this one easy like before. I should note that she calls me names, but they don't get me down. Lawyering up this time. I love my kids, but know that this sort of environment is not good for them. *I know that I am a bit passive, but today I hit the wall and told her that I am leaving.* We did mc before and I am not doing it again.
> 
> Thanks for your replies, now I have some work to do.
> 
> SJ


Did you tell her why? If so, did she have an "explanation"?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What a shame you did not tell your wife to leave......

You could have called the OM's wife and told her that you are sending your wife over to be with her texting buddy.....


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

SJMan1974 said:


> Lawyering up this time.
> 
> *Fantastic idea!!
> *
> ...


Couple of questions, how much intel do you have? is it enough for D this time?

How have you planned your split so far? You move out? What about primary care of the kids? Custody? Do you want it or split appropriately?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP what state?

Standard intel gathering.

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything she has said into the phone is right here.
I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to.

Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS.

Edit: It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did she admit the first affair?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In case no one's said it to you...do NOT move out of your home with your children. Help her find someplace else to live. But whatever you do, YOU do not move out. Ok?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Talk to a lawyer and get your affairs in line before you do anything to cover yourself and make sure that you aren't hurting your custody case, and claim to your home by leaving. Have some sort of property claim and settlement in place and make sure that you aren't charged with abandonment if you leave without papers in place.


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