# Should I let this relationship go?



## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

Hello everyone, I am new here and need a bit of help. Been lurking around on here for weeks before I registered, seems like a decent group of folks that may be able to give me some input. I am a little scared of posting, not sure how to type out my life, so ask any questions you need to!

A little background, I have been in an exclusive relationship for over 15yrs. We have one biological daughter, 9yrs old, and an "adopted" son who is now 21 and no longer lives with us.

Since my relationship has been through pretty much everything a relationship can go through, I figured I would post in the general discussion. Even though we are not "legally" married, I will call him my husband, because after all these yrs, seems pretty silly calling him my boyfriend.

Our relationship has been a roller coaster from the beginning, but we were very much in love at one time. I'm not even sure where to start. 10 yrs ago, right before i found out i was pregnant, he came home drunk and beat me severely, I ended up in the hospital, I left him. As the months went on, he done everything he could to win me back. Months into my pregnancy, and just been laid off, I went back to him. He had never hit me in the first 5 yrs and he has not hit me since, and I figured I owed it to the baby I was carrying and the child we had accepted into our home a few yrs earlier. 

But, to be honest, I don't think our relationship has recovered, even tho we put on a nice show for everyone and have honestly tried to make it work for the sake of the kids. About 4 yrs ago, he went on a "streak" of running the bars. One night he went to get some smokes and didn't return for 6 hrs. A few nights later it was going to get a 6 pack, and did not return for several hrs, so I went looking for him, found his car, walked into the bar and his face was about 2 inches from the female bartender, it looked like he was gonna plant one on her. Of course, soon as they seen me "nothing was going on." around the same time I found out he was emailing an ex gf and my sister said she seen them together at a bar. So, we had a long talk, I told him if he wasn't happy, he should leave and go find happiness. He said he wanted to work it out, that he loves me and was just going through a phase, felt he was being neglected because I work so much. 

Ok, I do work a lot, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. When I'm not working, I'm a homebody. Taking care of our daughter and the house duties. I mean the man never had to lift a finger! So, I thought i would change things a bit and started looking better for him, going out to eat with him, going to parties with him, ect. I quit doing those things with him because he always drinks too much and the night ends up with me being embarrassed or a argument will inevitably happen. Well, seems that things have not changed in that respect. 

Fast forward to 6 months ago, we went to a party with his co-workers and some acquaintances. I really didn't know anyone. Of course everyone is drinking, and I was drinking also. I hung out with a gf of one of the guys at the party. She was really touchy, feely and kept wanting me to dance with her, weird, but I did dance with her a little. As the night went on, I couldn't find my H and I was tipsy at this point and wanted to go home. I went outside and the car was gone. I called, he wouldn't answer. Went back in, asked if anyone knew where he went, no one did. At this point not many people were there, so I just sat and waited for awhile. That's where everything went black. I woke up the next morning with that girl i was dancing with, and her man. I really had no idea what happened and I was very sick. They took me home, and my H was home acting like he was sooo mad at me. Said he couldn't find me, that he thought i left with someone. Just so you guys know, I have NEVER stayed out and partied all night since i was a teenager. I went to doc, and there was rohypnol (sp?) in my system, and i got checked for STD's. 

I can't get past this. I have never hated someone as much as i hate him. He left me there, wouldn't answer my calls. I told him I wanted him to move out. He won't leave, says he can "make it up to me." Where do we go from here? He gets me flowers all the time, been cooking dinner, trying to be sweet, but he touches me and i feel like i'm going to spew. I'm not his sweetheart anymore, and I am mean to him. We don't argue in front of our child, but I'm sure she feels the tension. 

We have gotten past a lot of crap in this relationship, but when is it time to call it quits? Thanks in advance for any advice. Please don't think i'm ignoring anyone, i just probably won't be able to get back on here til tomorrow.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SweetheartNoMore said:


> We have gotten past a lot of crap in this relationship, but when is it time to call it quits? Thanks in advance for any advice.


Um, NOW. How awful.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

10 years ago would have been time to call it quits... But if not then, DEFINITELY NOW. This is not a healthy relationship on so many levels.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If you aren't sure you're ready to call it quits, PLEASE get yourself to some Al-Anon meetings where you can learn how to take care of yourself with someone like him in your life.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

LEAVE. Get some individual counseling to help you deal with all that has happened to you. I would charge the couple that gave you the date rape drug. They are probably preying on others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did he ever tell you where he actually was that night?

And I agree... if at all possible charge the couple for drugging you and probably raping you as well once you were blacked out.

If he had stayed at the party non of this would have happened to you.

Now is the time to end this relationship.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I also think you should 1. Press charges and 2. Leave this relationship. It almost sounds like he set you up at the party. 
At any rate, you know you can't rely on him, you can't trust him, and he disrespects you. 
What is it exactly that you get out of the relationship? Is this how you want your daughter to be treated when she grows up? You know children learn by the examples they grown up around. 
If you won't do it for you then do it for her, teach her to expect better from a man.


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I know leaving is the right decision, it is just hard to do. Actually he will have to be the one to leave, I own the house, but I have to get a eviction notice from the court to get him out. I had talked to a friend of mine who is a cop, and unless others come forward and speak up that this couple has done this before, It will be hard to prove. And truthfully, I'm a mess and am not acting myself lately. I feel like a idiot, at 38 yrs old, I should have been able to take care of myself. I'm having a hard time just doing day by day things. Takes all my strength just to go to work. I think i am in severe depression at this point.

I do think of how this relationship will impact our daughter. Our usual day by day life is pretty normal. He is a hard worker, helps our D with her homework, and he is a good father. He is not drunk all the time, and before this, we really didn't argue and generally got along pretty well. But, it seems like every few yrs we have a huge blow up. It's like once he starts drinking, he can't stop, then he starts getting all these paranoid delusions in his head.

H says that thought I would get a ride home from our "son" (I will call him C) who was also there that night, but he didn't know I had been left there. H says he went home and passed out. I didn't press him about it any more, because I really don't care what he did that night.

He did leave for a couple of nights, and our D just sat on the couch looking out the window and asking when daddy was coming home. I felt so bad, then he ended up in the hospital and had to have emergency gall bladder surgery. so, I let him come home to recover, rather than sleeping on the couch at C's house and he's been there ever since. 

I know it seems like I'm a big pushover, I'm just scared of what is going to happen. The tug-o-war game with our child, who is going to get her on this holiday, weekends, ect. My sisters kids have been a mess since her divorce, and right now my child is a strait A student and very happy go lucky sort of kid. I'm afraid of ruining that.

I feel weird spilling my guts like this, but right now, I have really no one to turn to. Seems like everyone I know is going through their own personal problems and I don't feel right dumping my sob story on them right now. 
I am seeing a counselor for myself right now. H is in AA, says he will never do anything to me again. I just don't trust him, and even if he stays sober and is "man of the year," i am repulsed by him. Not sure if I will ever be able to see him the same way. It's been 6 months, and I still cringe when he tries to hug me.

Is my child going to be ok once we split? Will it change her demeanor like I have seen in so many children who's parents have split? I get panic attacks thinking about it. UGGG!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your child will be fine as long as you handle things the right way. You have to stay on top of things with her, be honest with her and keep her informed, so she doesnt feel disconnected. (this does NOT mean oversharing!) Most children that are a mess through a divorce are that way because of how the parents have handled things. Your situation is toxic, and will become a much bigger problem in her life than you two splitting up.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

If it were me I'd have been checked for STD's long before you had that unfortante experience with being drugged. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. He's physically abusive, he is emotionally abusive and manipulative (i.e. blaming you for stepping out) and your child is going to grow up thinking it is OK for people to treat each other like that. If you stay then that is the lesson you are teaching her. 

If you leave it doesn't mean the relationship has to be over. But you do need to find peace in your life. You need distance in order to gain perspective. And he needs to show you that he is willing to do anything it takes to get himself healthy. He is broken. He is not solving his issues by cooking you dinner, bringing you flowers or washing your jeans. Those should be all things a husband does for his wife just because..... Not just because he f*cked up. 

You need to love yourself more than you hate him! 

I'm very sad for you. I wish you well.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oops, sorry. I just read your follow up post after I responded above. 

Even better you own the house. Start the eviction process even though it'll take time to get him out. But if he blows up then you call the cops, they will remove him for X amount of time and you go and file an emergency protective order. Actions have consequences. Whatever you have to do is on him. But if you do nothing, well, then that is on you.  Not trying to be harsh, I'm really not. But please don't let another 10 years of misery go by.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like you're on the right track with counseling, and I'm glad he's in AA. What's stopping you from going to Al-Anon? 

Not all counselors are created equal. If yours doesn't have a very good understanding of alcoholism (and it sounds to me like this is missing possibly), then you may not get the help you really need. A person can drink once a year or once a decade and still be an alcoholic. 6 months of sobriety doesn't add up to anything if he's not working the program and was a binge alcoholic to begin with. 

In Al-Anon, you really will find super important tools for you, and I'd encourage you to invite your kids to check out AlaTeen, too, because they are also affected by all this and simply answering where daddy is isn't going to help them. They need help if you want them to develop the tools to live a life that doesn't bring these same dynamics into their marriages. This is what they've seen as their primary example of what marriage looks like.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Go to court to have him evicted. As another poster stated, it takes time; the sooner you start, the sooner it will be done.

2. Once he's out, CHANGE THE LOCKS. Make sure your daughter understands that NOBODY gets a key to YOUR house except YOU & Daughter.

3. File a complaint with the police regarding the couple that drugged/raped you. Maybe you can't press charges, BUT if YOUR name is on file, then the next woman who is drugged/raped (and there WILL be a next one) will be able to add YOUR NAME to hers and THEN charges can be filed. If there are 20 of you in your position, and NOBODY ever makes a formal complaint, there IS NO WAY to start gathering the 2+ complaints it takes to start charges.

4. Get into IC to deal with the rape, the abuse, the entire dysfunctionality of your relationship.

Good luck!


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

My counselor has suggested Al-anon. He gave me a list of places and times, I just have not done it. A friend of mine at work asked me to go to her church group that meets once a week and they just listen and help with problems, it's like a support group. I went last week, and the group has some past addicts, abused women and such. I have not told my story, I have just listened. I know i need to get it together for my child, but i feel disconnected from life right now. I think I have mentally checked out.

I told my D that her father has a problem with alcohol and that he has made some bad decisions that Mommy is not happy with. I told her that he may need to find his own place to live, but she will still see him. I told her that even tho we are adults, we make mistakes too and sometimes it is better for the parents not to be together. She told me that Daddy told her that if he moves out that mommy will have another man move in that will try to be her Daddy. I told her that was not true. I told her any time she has any questions she can talk to me about it, no matter what it is. 

That was a couple of wks ago, and I told H he didn't need to be telling our child lies. He said it is not a lie, because he knows I will jump into another relationship as soon as he is out. But he said he will find another place to live, so he is looking at the place just around the corner from my house (that way he can properly stalk me). 

I appreciate everyone's advice. If it were just me, this would be a no-brainer. Having a child makes everything different. He will not make this easy on me and in turn will make it hard on her. I wish he would quit trying to "make it up to me" and realize that it is over. His cooking and cleaning is just manipulation, making D think he is really being good to mommy. He wants to make me out to be the bad guy. 

Sometimes life really bites!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, he does want to make you out to be the bad guy. Cut him off at the pass, by keeping communication open with your daughter. Make sure you do not bad mouth her dad to her, and tell her that you wont do that. Then let her know that if he says anything about you, to ask you about it (so that you can be sure he isnt trying to fill her head with lies about you,) so you reassure her with the truth.


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 1. Go to court to have him evicted. As another poster stated, it takes time; the sooner you start, the sooner it will be done.
> 
> 2. Once he's out, CHANGE THE LOCKS. Make sure your daughter understands that NOBODY gets a key to YOUR house except YOU & Daughter.
> 
> ...


I will file a complaint with the police. At least there will be something on file. H confronted the guy who was part of this, the guy said that i was into it and they did not drug me, and that if drugs were found in my system, then I took it myself or someone else gave it to me.

As for him moving out, the house he is trying to get down the rd comes open on the 15th of this month, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt and let him do this on his own before getting the court order. I don't like him being so close, but at least he will be out. And maybe will be convenient for our D. but, my gut tells me he is gonna be a big pain in my arse!


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I got to the part where you said "he beat me severely" and I stopped reading. Duh, kick him out. Why would you expose yourself and your child to an abuser? Unbelieveable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, he does want to make you out to be the bad guy. Cut him off at the pass, by keeping communication open with your daughter. Make sure you do not bad mouth her dad to her, and tell her that you wont do that. Then let her know that if he says anything about you, to ask you about it (so that you can be sure he isnt trying to fill her head with lies about you,) so you reassure her with the truth.


Thanks, it's going to be hard to make her see that this is not my fault, but I think when she is a little older, she will see the truth. Hopefully she will see that now, but this is her Dad, some of what he says will stick with her. I have this fear that she will want to move in with him. I think i would die. She sees him as the fun one, the one that will let her do whatever she wants. I am confident that the courts would not let him have custody because he has the domestic abuse charge against me and several DUI's on his record. But, it will still hurt just the same if she wanted to be with him.


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

animal 2011 said:


> I got to the part where you said "he beat me severely" and I stopped reading. Duh, kick him out. Why would you expose yourself and your child to an abuser? Unbelieveable
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hindsight is 20/20 right. He has never laid a hand on me since. My child doesn't know him as an abuser, she was not born yet.


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## SweetheartNoMore (Feb 5, 2013)

Believe me I do feel like a idiot for taking him back, back then. But we were together 5 yrs before that night, he didn't harm me before, and when i took him back 6 months later when I was 7 months pregnant, he was in counseling for anger and drinking. I'm not defending him, I'm just explaining why i did take him back. 

In the past 10 yrs, we really haven't had any more problems than what I have seen here on this forum. We have had some good times. Yes, he has done some things that have pi*sed me off, and i've not been perfect either, but we worked through them best we could. It was this last incident that was the deal breaker for me.


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