# Ex wife left and now want to come back



## Hopeisgone

Hello All, so let me give you some background as to what's going on as I made a previous post awhile ago about this situation. 
My (ex) wife and I were together almost 9 years. This past January, she came clean to an affair she was having and she wanted to be with him but couldn't afford our 3 kids. So, in March, we filed for divorce and she wanted out so fast, our divorce was finalized in 5 days- leaving me everything... the house, kids, pension, etc. She left the day after our divorce was final and moved in with the new guy. 
I was a mess, total mess. I'm still getting a grip from it. 
So 2 days ago, I get a random message from her asking if she could come over at night so we could talk. We did. Shes hot and cold about wanting to come back. She doesnt know if she still loves me, and she wishes none of this happened. 
Then today, I saw her and we talked a little, she seemed so uninterested, kept telling me she "has to go" and "if I keep bringing it up I'm going to push her away"
Here's my question... after she left, did this damage to me and our kids, why do I feel like I'm the one giving her explanations to everything. I told her I'm no longer going to bring it up, I never bought up me and her before and only did when she mentioned it. Why is she so hot and cold? And the more important question is... should I attempt to get back with her or just let it be? A part of me wants to just because I'm so lonely at home. Just me and the kids. I'm at the stage where I doubt I'll ever find love again. I'm 25, 3 kids, make a great living and all, but who wants a man that young with such "baggage"? But, she walked away from it all for a man who is a loser, and about 11 years older then me. What do I do? I'm tired of the head games she plays.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

180. Learn it. Implement it.


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## Marc878

Hopeisgone said:


> Hello All, so let me give you some background as to what's going on as I made a previous post awhile ago about this situation.
> My (ex) wife and I were together almost 9 years. This past January, she came clean to an affair she was having and she wanted to be with him but couldn't afford our 3 kids. So, in March, we filed for divorce and she wanted out so fast, our divorce was finalized in 5 days- leaving me everything... the house, kids, pension, etc. She left the day after our divorce was final and moved in with the new guy.
> I was a mess, total mess. I'm still getting a grip from it.
> So 2 days ago, I get a random message from her asking if she could come over at night so we could talk. We did. Shes hot and cold about wanting to come back. She doesnt know if she still loves me, and she wishes none of this happened.
> 
> It didn't turn out like she expected so she wanted to drop by and see if plan B might be better.
> 
> Then today, I saw her and we talked a little, she seemed so uninterested, kept telling me she "has to go" and "if I keep bringing it up I'm going to push her away"
> 
> If you chase they move farther away. Always
> 
> Here's my question... after she left, did this damage to me and our kids, why do I feel like I'm the one giving her explanations to everything. I told her I'm no longer going to bring it up, I never bought up me and her before and only did when she mentioned it. Why is she so hot and cold?
> 
> You are acting very weak which is unnattractive. Better wake up
> 
> And the more important question is... should I attempt to get back with her or just let it be?
> 
> Let her go. You'll be fine long term. It'll be a lot better than living in this
> 
> A part of me wants to just because I'm so lonely at home. Just me and the kids. I'm at the stage where I doubt I'll ever find love again. I'm 25, 3 kids, make a great living and all, but who wants a man that young with such "baggage"? But, she walked away from it all for a man who is a loser, and about 11 years older then me. What do I do? I'm tired of the head games she plays.


You can't make her do a thing. If you're smart you'll cut off all contact. Get strong or continue to live as you are. The only one keeping yourself in this is you.


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## cc48kel

I would not give in to her.. She messed up! You are so young that you will find love again-- concentrate on you and the kids and you will be just fine..


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## Evinrude58

Omg.

You’re only 25 and have a wife that cheated and left you and you want her back?

And you think no woman will want a man with a steady job and three kids???

I’ll just tell you straight out of compassion.

You’re an ————.
You shouldn’t speak to that woman ever again. If I was your best friend, I’d deck you every time you mentioned her name. Seriously.

No woman will want you? That’s just stupid.

I’m bald, 45, have three kids, a very average job....... lots of nice looking, young, whatever-else-you- want women were glad to date me.

I now have a wonderful wife.

You are really acting like a damn fool even considering letting your wife return.

You cane out of the divorce as good as any man could imagine.
Get the he’ll away from her, heal up, and go meet another lady. Not hard to do.
Geez.


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## sokillme

Hopeisgone said:


> Hello All, so let me give you some background as to what's going on as I made a previous post awhile ago about this situation.
> My (ex) wife and I were together almost 9 years. This past January, she came clean to an affair she was having and she wanted to be with him but couldn't afford our 3 kids. So, in March, we filed for divorce and she wanted out so fast, our divorce was finalized in 5 days- leaving me everything... the house, kids, pension, etc. She left the day after our divorce was final and moved in with the new guy.
> I was a mess, total mess. I'm still getting a grip from it.
> So 2 days ago, I get a random message from her asking if she could come over at night so we could talk. We did. Shes hot and cold about wanting to come back. She doesnt know if she still loves me, and she wishes none of this happened.
> Then today, I saw her and we talked a little, she seemed so uninterested, kept telling me she "has to go" and "if I keep bringing it up I'm going to push her away"
> Here's my question... after she left, did this damage to me and our kids, why do I feel like I'm the one giving her explanations to everything. I told her I'm no longer going to bring it up, I never bought up me and her before and only did when she mentioned it. Why is she so hot and cold? And the more important question is... should I attempt to get back with her or just let it be? A part of me wants to just because I'm so lonely at home. Just me and the kids. I'm at the stage where I doubt I'll ever find love again. I'm 25, 3 kids, make a great living and all, but who wants a man that young with such "baggage"? But, she walked away from it all for a man who is a loser, and about 11 years older then me. What do I do? I'm tired of the head games she plays.


She is a bad, cruel, selfish person. You need some help to get over that, but you must for your kids sake. You are better off being alone.


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## frusdil

When someone is "hot and cold" for you, they're actually not. They're just cold.

You're still recovering from the trauma of what happened, and while that's to be expected you mustn't let your grief cloud your judgement on just who your EX wife really is and what she did, not just to you but to your children too. What kind of person just walks away from their family??

Don't communicate with her unless it's about the children. And don't let her just visit whenever she wants to - that's confusing for the children, and upsetting to you. None of you need that, especially the children after all they've been threw. She blew up their world. She lost the right to be considered the moment she walked out the door.


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## sokillme

Because she is a cruel, selfish, just plain bad person. I know it's hard to get over this, but you must. You must figure out why you are willing to put up with someone so cruel because your kids need you to be strong.


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## anchorwatch

So it not all rainbows and candy canes in affair land. Sounds like she's testing for a plan B. She'll trade you in again when a newer sleeker model comes along again.

Start the 180!

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt

People tear up the Spouse Card and waive their right to get anything from you when they divorce you.

She's just looking for an easy chump to provide her resources and to run errands for her.

She's probably figuring out that her OM was just using using her as an easy lay and place to park his boner. 

Don't be that chump.


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## Lostinthought61

Hell no dear god man why would you put yourself through this again.


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## Rick Blaine

Well, Hopeisgone, I think you got your answers from the readers here. Haha!

But really I think you may be setting yourself up for a second DDay down the line if you attempt reconciliation with her. I had a very similar situation to yours. My EXWW actually got remarried after her first affair (she left the house to be with another guy), and we had two-and-a-half good years until...she cheated again. Had to start over again with the divorce and this time I split everything 50/50. The first time I got everything, including full custody. I don't really care about the finanical part of it. In fact, because when we married a second time, we had no real community property when remarrying, I could have sent her packing with nothing again. But I chose not to do that out of fairness. Anyway, the finances were not main concern obviously. Getting played, betrayed, and humiliated a second time and having to go through the emotional turmoil all over again was a damn shame.

I learned that if a woman has no regard for you and would cheat and leave you for another man, then that lack of regard never really goes away. No one should put up with that kind of callous lack of regard and selfishness. 

I hope you make the right decision. Best of luck.


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## ConanHub

You are living the gold standard for betrayed and divorced men.

You just need to work on yourself to improve your feeling of wellness and self worth.

Have you been to therapy or counseling?

You seem very down on yourself.

You beat "cancer" with damn little repercussions and now a dirty bomb 💣 is trying to be delivered to your living room.

See her for what she is, just your children's mother and nothing else.

I'm not excusing her behavior but she lost attraction for you and is still not that attracted. The OM, though he is scum, might be more confident.

Work on yourself my friend. Read No More Mr Nice Guy for starters.


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## anchorwatch

I agree... read it... No More Mr. Nice Guy


"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option"


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## OnTheFly

Dear HopeIsGone, or is it FlickerOfHope?

Please listen to the advice being offered. A lifetime of anguish is in your future if you take her back, this is guaranteed. A potentially happy life is on the horizon without her.


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## Evinrude58

You have 3 kids and no ex that interferes too much with them. You have a good, steady job. You are 25 years old. You're healthy (as far as I know).......

Dude, it's the age of technology. Regardless of your looks, your personality, etc. etc. ----- you could be dating as many nice women as you wanted in a matter of a couple of weeks. Granted, most of them will suck in some way. You can meet other women.

You are NOT in bad shape whatsoever. I hereby demand you change your username to crappywifeisgonebuthopeful. 

There is ZERO reason for you to have no hope. I'd trade positions with you if I were single anytime. The only thing holding you back from a happy life is looking you in the mirror every morning. I know this has been and IS NOW a horrible experience. That's why I encourage you to MOVE FORWARD with your entire life and cut this cancer you call an ex. And as someone said, for YOU, she really is a cancer on your life now. She will keep you miserable as long as you think about her. Really.


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## aine

Hope is Gone, it may not seem like it now but you have a long bright future ahead of you. Your broken heart will heal, you will have three (maybe more) wonderful kids with a great Dad who was their rock in the midst of the **** storm created by their mother. You will meet someone else, who will be happy to be a stepmom to your kids because they love you. 
Right now it is all raw, you have to 

1.get some sort of emotional support from your family/friends.
2. Do the 180 on her, no contact only via email, she cannot come and go as she pleases, must make appointment to come to see kids
3. Go see a lawyer asap and sort out arrangements for the kids
4. Cut off any financing to her ( ensure she cannot access your joint accounts) Is she working?
5. Get tested for STDs
6. Do you have parents near by who can help with the kids?
7. Let the kids school/daycare know what has happened so they can watch out for the kids
8. Get IC for yourself.

Do not give your wife any room to manipulate you, you may still love her but she is not the woman you thought she was, to cheat on a good man is one thing but to walk out on your kids is an entirely another level of evil. YOu are lucky to be able to get rid of her.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry that you're experiencing all this. Great advice here and I hope you take it. No contact with the ex is critical because you're still emotionally vulnerable....just limit it to the kids and don't let her change the topic. 

You should hit the gym lose weight (if appropriate) buy some new clothes and sort of create a 'new' you. When you're ready ....there's lots of nice reliable hardworking and loving women out there for you that would be an excellent role model and mother to your children. My son used an internet dating site ...took him 6 months to find her ... set up an honest profile describing yourself and what you're looking for .... he had coffee dates (2 prospects) each week. He used to call the coffee dates: interviews. The longest he dated a match date was 3 weeks before realizing it would never be long term....then he found the one. It's a numbers game and takes a lot of effort but you can find the perfect woman for you (and especially for your kids). Also, there's lots of single moms on the internet dating sites with 1 kid that would be interested in you.


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## Suspicious1

Before I finish reading the excellent replies and advise you're getting. I would like to add that she is playing games with the hot & cold act.
She trying to figure you out on how much she can get away ! 

I'm sure she has realized her major [email protected]$& UP, which by now knows the extent of life altering mistake she made and running out on her family for some other dudes pole. I bet it was huge too, that had her drop everything that meant something!
Don't you knock 11 years of experience, he must had said and done all sort of unimaginable things to her, yet now she wasn't to weasel her way back to you and the kids. Please don't give this life lesson to the children, it's not fair.

You think she's ready to give up on those exciting fresh memories all of a sudden?
She will be looking forward to any spark of an argument just to run out and be with him.
Be prepared for a life time of pain.

Do not give her the gift of reconciliation !

P.s

I laughed when you said you are 25 with 3 kids and don't think any woman will want you.

Obviously you don't know women.

Good luck

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

It's not the size of his "pole" she likes. She just wanted something different and got off on the attention and ego stroking the OM gave her.

She has undoubtedly self-sabotaged any hope of actual feelings of love for her husband, so even though she might want to return to the security of a marriage and the feelings of "family"----- there is not a chance in hell that she will ever have any romantic love for her husband again. She destroyed that and knows it. She simply wants a home while she casually looks for a better replacement than the last loser that she allowed to boink her for a while and run.

Sadly, OP's wayward wife will learn too late that lots of men are willing to slap nasties with a married woman with kids, or a divorced woman with kids----- but unless they have character (this woman clearly doesn't), no man worth having will do anything but haul ass once he realizes what a wretch she is.


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## sa58

She wanted out fast keep her out. Push her 
away from you and your kids. Push really hard
and again keep her away. Things did not work 
out with the OM now she wants to crawl back to
Mr nice guy, plan B. You. Tell her to slither on back
to her new man. She left you and her kids for a new
guy. What happens next time ? Do not let there be a 
next time ?

You are 25 and have 3 kids with a great income.
That sir is not baggage that is a magnet to attract 
women. Young man with good income, kids responsible
father, stable life. Tell your old wife her choice and she 
has to deal with it. You got the house I wouldn't even 
let her slither in. But that is just me I hate loathsome 
cheaters. You can do way, way, better. Even if you just date
that is way better. 

I guess what looked so good to her in the dark (OM)
did not turn out so good after all.


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## Hopeisgone

Wow, I appreciate all of your input... I honestly didnt expect this many responses. Lol 
So, theres a little more to this also that I did not fill you guys in on that I just realized. 
My oldest daughter (9) is also not biologically mine. I came into her life when she was 2 months old. I was 16, ex was 17. I dropped out of school, went to night school, and had a full time job to support a child that wasnt mine. Yes, she still lives with me and just to get back at me, now she reached out to the bio father and all of a sudden he wants to get back involved in her life- but hes doing it for the wrong reasons. He wants to get with my ex. So hes gonna end up hurting MY daughter again. Both of them have agreed to let her stay with me. Neither pay child support, nor do I want it. No child support for my 2 boys either. That was the stipulation to me getting custody, which again, is fine. 
Now, I'm gonna try my best to answer all of you. My brother (20) moved in with me to give a helping hand. He helps majorly. I also have other family members helping too being I work minimum 50 hours a week... the last month I've been doing 70 a week so hes a big help.
Dating sites suck. I've tried multiple, literally zero responses so I dont even try anymore. Women with kids on there are looking for men with no kids... how that makes sense, I'll never know. People tell me I have the "dad bod".... still dont know what that means. Lol. I work out, I started the process of losing weight even before she left. January of 2017 I was a heart wrenching 390 lbs. Last night I weighed in at 235 lbs. Standing at 6'2". I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and its very apparent that people from around my generation dont want a man with kids. Plain and simple. I've went on dates and I've been told they dont want a man with kids, so of course, I dropped them right then and there. My generation is messed up. But it's okay, I'll stay single and alone forever as long as my kids are okay. I rely a lot on them, they rely a lot on me. 
As for my ex, I dont bring up our relationship AT ALL. I hardly ever answer her calls. I only brought it up when she did. I told her last night that I'm no longer bringing it up, not worth my time or energy. I'm doing my best to not even think about her but when she pulls that little stunt, it's almost like shes dragging me back in. I just dont know anymore 😐
I know I need to seek outside help, but I have literally no time. I'm out my door at 4am, I come home at 630. By then I'm cooking dinner, showering them, etc. I've needed help for a long time even before she left cause when I was getting help about 5 years ago, my therapist told me i have "smiling depression". Basically everyone thinks I'm just a happy guy cause i put this front on, but behind closed doors or to myself i constantly contemplate the reasons i shouldnt be dead. I'd never do it just because my kids need me, but it still hurts that i even think about it so much. I hid it so good, my ex doesnt even know, she thought I was a normal dude. Scary thought. 
I'm sure there are some questions or comments I didnt answer but I'll get to more!


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## Yeswecan

Kudos to your brother and others helping you. And a big kudos to your for taking care of the kids. As far as your xw...a big no!!!!! She dumped and ran for another man. Do you think your xw will stick it out after a few weeks dealing with kids? Big nope. 

As far as dads with kids. My BIL has twins and is divorced. Age 35. He did get dates and did have a GF that lived in with him. For some reason he blew that up. Anyway, he has another GF who is completely smitten with him and his twins. You will get dates. You will find another!! 

Again, as far as your xw...not marriage material or otherwise.


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## sa58

Great to hear you have family and friends support.
Stay away from the dating sites. You have been on dates
and that is better than the EX. It will take time for you to 
find someone. Remember you have not dated in a few years
and your time is limited. If you feel you need to talk with someone 
professionally DO SO !! Your kids need you it is obvious mom is worthless.

One last thing, why stick with your generation ? There are a lot of hot
older women out there. Not looking for marriage but a special someone.
Just a suggestion . Remember it will take time but you are better off without
the EX wife. A lot of those women are professional career women who understand 
the long hours and hard work also

After his divorce my son dated a very attractive female doctor.
She had one child and had never been married. She was just a few
years older than him. He has one child with his EX. The female doctor
was not looking for marriage ( Long hours ) just a companion.


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## jsmart

You need to remove yourself as an option for her. Any woman that would abandon her kids for another dude, is truly a POS. 

The reason she's hot and cold is because she's really cold but is trying to psych herself into wanting you. I'm sure this other dude she's with is a complete loser but remember that a lot of woman are drawn to bad boys. Guys that have the "I don't give a f..." attitude combined with an unjustified confidence that's usually based on no accomplishment or ability. But every man has seen with their own eyes that women eat that up.

Knowing that your ex is drawn to a guy like that, you know that any relationship with her will end in more heartache for you and the kids.

Congrats on that tremendous weight loss. Don't stop. Keep moving forward on your health. Also make sure your wardrobe, hair, beard, hygiene are all on point. Not for any woman but for your own emotional well being. When you like what you see in the mirror, you'll be able to get rid of this negative mentality you have.

You're still very young and have many years to reach your peak. Don't feel rush into a relationship with anyone. You're not emotionally detached enough for a serious relationship. Right now your kids need a rock solid dad to make up for losing their mom. The feeling of rejection can be overwhelming. It's one thing for a mom to break up the family for another guy but to leave the kids behind, that's a hurt that can leave permanent psychological scars.

Also, don't prevent your step daughter from seeing her bio-dad. It will cause her to have resentment against you. She won't comprehend that you're sheltering her from a POS that abandoned her. Doesn't matter how much you've sacrificed for her. Let her come to that conclusion on her own.


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## Taxman

As Lonely Husband stated, do the 180. She destroyed your life, and is now looking for a soft landing. The only thing your wife would get it the toe of my boot kicking her ass to the curb. This ***** walked out on her OWN CHILDREN? I could only entertain seeing her living under a bridge somewhere. You are pushing her away? I would push her over a cliff. Damn it man, this woman only deserves to watch you and your children happy and healthy with a new wife living with you and nurturing both you and your children. 

You are 25 for gods sake, you will find love, better love with someone else. Tell your ex wife to go to hell.


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## VermiciousKnid

She's so hot and cold because she's a flaky nutball with the emotional maturity of a 7th grader.


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## wilson

What a life story! You've lived more by 25 than some people do in their whole life. Funny enough, I think the weight loss is the most amazing part. We all know how hard that is. You need to give yourself a huge pat on the back for that.

I'm also astounded at the quality of your character. Even as a young man, you demonstrated an amazing amount of duty and compassion. Your kids, and everyone in your life, is lucky to have you as part of theirs.

I would recommend you seriously consider changing jobs even if it means a reduction in lifestyle. Those hours are taking their toll. I worry they are bringing you down in a way that will be very hard to recover from.

Make sure you think about what is best for you. It sounds like you have a very giving personality. I worry that you will actually give too much away. Your kids and relatives want you to be around for a long time and live a happy life. It's okay to give out less so that you have more self-satisfaction.

As for the ex, please do not get back with her. It's all just an ego-feeding game to her. "Oh I want you", she says, knowing you'll start showing interest and giving her the satisfaction of being wanted. Online dating can often be the same. Women get esteem boosts from all the men clamoring for her attention without any intention to date them. 

You're right that dating is going to be a challenge in your situation. Don't lower your standards just to have some company. Find a quality companion. If you're religious, consider going to church more often and join groups there. You'll likely find more women who won't mind at all that you have kids.


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## ABHale

Stay away from your toxic ex. 

She isn’t trying to come back because of a change of heart. 

She will just rip you to shreads if you give her the chance. Or claim you hit her or something and have you arrested.


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## TBT

You're young and you've already had one go round with your ex. Is it really worth another? The back and forth she is doing now is her attempt to control your choice while still leaving her options open in my opinion. Similar to the 'carrot and the stick'. You shouldn't be option B... you shouldn't be anything to her...you're divorced... be thankful. At 25,you still have a lot of years ahead for a good life.

Check out meetups.com for any single parent groups in your area.


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## skerzoid

Hopeisgone said:


> Hello All, so let me give you some background as to what's going on as I made a previous post awhile ago about this situation.
> My (ex) wife and I were together almost 9 years. This past January, she came clean to an affair she was having and she wanted to be with him but couldn't afford our 3 kids. So, in March, we filed for divorce and she wanted out so fast, our divorce was finalized in 5 days- leaving me everything... the house, kids, pension, etc. She left the day after our divorce was final and moved in with the new guy.
> I was a mess, total mess. I'm still getting a grip from it.
> So 2 days ago, I get a random message from her asking if she could come over at night so we could talk. We did. Shes hot and cold about wanting to come back. She doesnt know if she still loves me, and she wishes none of this happened.
> Then today, I saw her and we talked a little, she seemed so uninterested, kept telling me she "has to go" and "if I keep bringing it up I'm going to push her away" Keep pushing it. Make her go away. I would never let her forget what she did to you.
> Here's my question... after she left, did this damage to me and our kids, why do I feel like I'm the one giving her explanations to everything. I told her I'm no longer going to bring it up, I never bought up me and her before and only did when she mentioned it. Dude, either grow some balls, buy some balls, or rent some balls. You are co-dependent as hell. Look that up. Why is she so hot and cold? Bi-polar? And the more important question is... should I attempt to get back with her NO!or just let it be? YES! A part of me wants to just because I'm so lonely at home. Just me and the kids. I'm at the stage where I doubt I'll ever find love again. BS! I'm 25, 3 kids, make a great living and all, but who wants a man that young with such "baggage"? About half the women on the planet. But, she walked away from it all for a man who is a loser, and about 11 years older then me. What do I do? I'm tired of the head games she plays.


1. *Stop playing the pick me dance!!* (Oh please come back, oh please, I promise I'll change, Oh woe is me!!). that makes you look pathetic as hell. Women hate that!

2. *Look up the 180 technique* and start using it yesterday!

3. *Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy".* Its in a free PDF form on the net.

4. *You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself *and get on with your life.


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## Hopeisgone

As far as my daughter seeing her bio dad, I dont stop it... in fact, my ex texted me for fathers day saying she wanted my daughter to call him to atleast say happy fathers day. I agreed so i gave her my phone to call him. Hes a POS as well as her, but one thing I try to do is remain the bigger man in the situation.
Thank you for the compliments on my weight loss... I will admit, most of it was from this whole situation because when I'm stressed, I wont eat. I was practically starving myself, not on purpose, but I genuinely wasnt hungry. Now I eat about once a day and my body is fine with that. 
Since the day she blew me off, we've had no contact, which I'm fine with. I've realized she will only talk to me when shes not home because her boy toy will see the messages. Actually makes me laugh if you ask me. 
I know there will be better days, but I gotta get past this rainy cloud over my head. A few friends of mine overheard I was thinking about going back, they all lost it on me. Simply for the fact this is the 2nd time this has happened. First time though, I left and she stayed at our apartment at the time. 
I think it's the fact I've been with one person for so long, it's weird to imagine myself with someone other then her


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## ABHale

I would talk with state child services to see if they can help you with your daughter. She has basically been abandoned into your care. Try to get full custody of her.


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## Taxman

I agree that your step daughter was abandoned into your care, and you should be granted full custody. Then, if at all possible, I would make your ex W's life miserable. Demand child support from both her and her ex H. If you can, obtain judgements against them, and garnishee their pay til the kid is 18. Nothing hurts worse, in my estimation, than being a flake like these two and having to suddenly grow the f**k up and start paying for your mistakes.


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## Evinrude58

Hopeisgone said:


> As far as my daughter seeing her bio dad, I dont stop it... in fact, my ex texted me for fathers day saying she wanted my daughter to call him to atleast say happy fathers day. I agreed so i gave her my phone to call him. Hes a POS as well as her, but one thing I try to do is remain the bigger man in the situation.
> Thank you for the compliments on my weight loss... I will admit, most of it was from this whole situation because when I'm stressed, I wont eat. I was practically starving myself, not on purpose, but I genuinely wasnt hungry. Now I eat about once a day and my body is fine with that.
> Since the day she blew me off, we've had no contact, which I'm fine with. I've realized she will only talk to me when shes not home because her boy toy will see the messages. Actually makes me laugh if you ask me.
> I know there will be better days, but I gotta get past this rainy cloud over my head. A few friends of mine overheard I was thinking about going back, they all lost it on me. Simply for the fact this is the 2nd time this has happened. First time though, I left and she stayed at our apartment at the time.
> I think it's the fact I've been with one person for so long, it's weird to imagine myself with someone other then her


I'd like to high five your friends. They sound like good ones. Hang in there. It gets better; been there.


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## ButtPunch

TBT said:


> You're young and you've already had one go round with your ex. Is it really worth another? The back and forth she is doing now is her attempt to control your choice while still leaving her options open in my opinion. Similar to the 'carrot and the stick'. You shouldn't be option B... you shouldn't be anything to her...you're divorced... be thankful. At 25,you still have a lot of years ahead for a good life.
> 
> Check out meetups.com for any single parent groups in your area.


This.....she doesn't want you. She wants to see if her Plan B is still readily available.

Move on with your life.


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## cc48kel

Yes. as I stated earlier you are SO much better off without her and to focus on yourself and the kids!! Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is so important! Keep up the great work with fitness and eating healthy-- when you are much older your body will thank-you! You have great support with family and friends which is such a blessing BUT I don't think it's a bad idea to get back to counseling for yourself. I feel it is totally healthy and for me, it helps to keep us in check with what is going on.

Don't be in a hurry to meet your soul mate-- she will be around soon and might be working on herself just as you are. Those kids need you especially your daughter. It's such an important role for dads to have with their daughters. Especially with her bio dad and mom not really around for her-- YOU are her number one! Don't be surprised if she gets a little jealous when you do start dating because she will be noticing less time with her dad. You'll have to make sure to give her that special time as well.

I just wanted to share with you how I felt when I was in my 20's. At 25 I just finished college and I was focused on finding a job that suited me. I was interested in dating so I would be out and about looking. I remember and I know this is wrong (or immature) but I didn't want to date a man with kids. Looking back I think it was scary for me. Anyways, I'm telling you this because you are 25 and even thou I feel you should wait for awhile before dating--you mentioned that you were having a hard time dating.. It could be some are just immature and unsure of what they really want at that age. All more reason to be selfish and focus on yourself and kids. Best of luck to you!!


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## Openminded

You're her backup plan. Expect her to try to reel you back in off and on. If you take her back, you'll likely be dealing with this sort of thing forever. Believe me, you don't want that. Move on and don't look back.


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## Steve2.0

You sound like you want her to come back... Let me tell you this; There is only more misery on that path.

Change her name on her phone to something that will trigger disgust in your mind... "Cheating Ex" or the name of the dude she had sex with... whatever.... Just do something to disconnect her from the loving wife you THOUGHT she was. You really need to internalize that shes gone.... Shut the door on a chance to get back with her and hammer wood across it like there is a zombie horde outside trying to get in.

Like many have said, implement the 180, I hope someone linked it for you....

You need to stop being so nice. What your doing is very commendable but stop letting other people take advantage of you. Are you the legal guardian of the daughter that isnt yours? *Why aren't you going after their parents for actual child support?* 

Buy a home gym and start lifting heavy weights. Loose the extra weight and put on muscles. Dad bod has got to go. You need to put on as much physical muscles on your body as you have internal strength to care for those kids while working 40+ hours. I would typically recommend a gym membership for best results but I dont know how you would get out of the house with 3 sleeping kids at home.

You also dont need to find a women to replace your wife... Just because someone your dating doesnt want kids doesnt mean you cant have fun with them. Be a fun person and they will want to hang out with you regardless of your child situation.


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## Yeswecan

Hopeisgone said:


> I think it's the fact I've been with one person for so long, it's weird to imagine myself with someone other then her


That feeling fades fast once another enters your life. It will happen. Nice job raising your daughter!


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## Taxman

I actually have a story about an ex getting to understand that child support is a necessity. I had a relatively young woman, and her husband had flown the coop so to speak (man had to have his head examined, this was an exceedingly pretty and smart girl.) I am preparing her income taxes, and the question comes up as to whether child support is taxable. (It is not in my country) She says, oh what does it matter, he refuses to pay, or says he will pay if I sleep with him. I look at her and say, "Who is your attorney?" Turned out that he suggested a conciliatory divorce, and he did most of it online. NOPE NOPE NOPE. The decree is not final, and I walk her down the hall to one of our recommended guys. He immediately files for child support. She gets a phone call, "How dare you ask for support, now you get nothing!" She calls me in tears. She figures she screwed up big time. I tell her to calm down and let the lawyer do his work. The lawyer submits a request for child support in anticipation of a finalized divorce, and the petition is granted. We wait, determine that he is indeed working and has a modicum of job security. We go before a judge, and lo and behold we get an order to garnishee his wages. That Friday afternoon, I invite her to come to my office, as we know pay will be distributed at around 3:30. At 3:45 she gets a screaming call. YOU ****ING *****, YOU TOOK HALF MY PAY, GIVE IT BACK. I get on the phone, and identify myself as her accountant and counselor. I tell him point blank that I did not appreciate him trying to pull the wool over her eyes, that the divorce will proceed through the courts, and he had better get ready, because I have taken a personal interest in reaming him out. How am I going to live? I asked how did you think your exwife and child were going to live? Did you not think that you were responsible? What kind of man are you? Get this straight. Your ex Wife fell for your bullcrap, but now, we have set her up with a lawyer, and she has us representing her interests. I advise you to secure legal representation and get ready because your little game has been documented and we are putting a motion before a judge for back support. She is legally entitled, and you are on the hook, you son of a bi+ch.


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## PaulB

If you're still checking in, do NOT give any thought to taking her back. All she offers to you is something familiar. That will pass, and after awhile she will feel like a stranger you scratch your head as to how you ever wanted.

I divorced after my ex and I had been together 14 years. Two kids. She had cheated a year or so before. I tried to worked it out. May have been able to put the affair behind me, honestly, if it weren't for the other stuff. She would never want to talk about it directly, but she had some deep emotional or psychological issues that would flare up from time to time. Bad temper. Little things would trigger after spells of things going well. (This was the case the whole marriage.) When the beast was unleashed, name calling and sometimes she would punch or push me. I grew up with very calm parents. When we were younger, I felt like it was my duty as a husband to love her through whatever scars or whatever she was dealing with. As we got into our 30s, I realized this was how she was always going to be and that I couldn't spend the rest of my life in that environment.

We had a lot of good times during the in-between phases of her meltdowns or whatever they were. We had two great kids and memories. For most of the marriage we had a good sex life. You can't think about any of that stuff though. On the other side, you will see how much better your life is without her in it. You may not even realize at the moment how much damage her craziness has done to you, but you will after you heal and look back. If you miss anything about her, you are missing the idea of what you hoped you could have had with her. This woman is toxic. You need her to remain out of your life. You must hold onto that logical truth if at any time your emotions seem to pull you in her direction.

I also became a single dad when I divorced. I didn't have legal full custody but they lived with me full time. My ex thought I would stumble with the responsibility but I actually ended up being a really good single parent. Being a dad has been more fulfilling than any relationship. You'll go through some tough adjustments but you got this. You'll also get stronger as you distance yourself from relationship craziness with the ex.


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## Hopeisgone

Hello all... sorry, been so busy, keeping up doing work around the house and taking care of the kids. So here's an update:
I was seriously considering going back- until a mutual friend called me one day, told me how much shes praising the new guy online for supporting her through the hard times and how much she loves him for that. I called my ex, told her to please not consider me anymore, that I saw what she posted and it's time we both move on. I honestly feel a lot better. I've been working so much I've gone a month with no gym but still eating healthy. I'm overall feeling 1000% better about my situation. I do get lonely from time to time but ey, I'm only human. Friends that were originally mine that took her side, tried reaching out to me to reconcile but I told them I have zero interest in being friends with them-keeping the negative energy out of my life. As far as my ex- I mutually agreed that while the kids are on summer break, that she can have them 3.5 days a week and we split it right down the middle. So far, 2 weeks into it, she has bailed and she will still see them in the mornings but for whatever reason, she cant have them sleep over. No big deal to me, but I know every kids needs their mother just as much as they need their father. 
As far as meeting someone, I've gone on a few dates, nothing that really sparks my interest- and some I didnt spark theirs. Lol. Who knows at this point. I appreciate everybody for all the advice cause it definitely helped me a lot


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## SentHereForAReason

Hopeisgone said:


> Hello all... sorry, been so busy, keeping up doing work around the house and taking care of the kids. So here's an update:
> I was seriously considering going back- until a mutual friend called me one day, told me how much shes praising the new guy online for supporting her through the hard times and how much she loves him for that. I called my ex, told her to please not consider me anymore, that I saw what she posted and it's time we both move on. I honestly feel a lot better. I've been working so much I've gone a month with no gym but still eating healthy. I'm overall feeling 1000% better about my situation. I do get lonely from time to time but ey, I'm only human. Friends that were originally mine that took her side, tried reaching out to me to reconcile but I told them I have zero interest in being friends with them-keeping the negative energy out of my life. As far as my ex- I mutually agreed that while the kids are on summer break, that she can have them 3.5 days a week and we split it right down the middle. So far, 2 weeks into it, she has bailed and she will still see them in the mornings but for whatever reason, she cant have them sleep over. No big deal to me, but I know every kids needs their mother just as much as they need their father.
> As far as meeting someone, I've gone on a few dates, nothing that really sparks my interest- and some I didnt spark theirs. Lol. Who knows at this point. I appreciate everybody for all the advice cause it definitely helped me a lot


Good to hear and obviously, not good. Good for your actions will eventually be followed by your mental state and emotions but fake it til you make it, one foot forward, all the cliches, till it all feels right. Not good because, well the ending of a marriage sucks, it's like a death you need to grieve and it sucks that the kids have a virtually non-existent mother. That's not your concern now and you are doing a great job with the kids but I hope for their sake, that one day their mother realizes how important it is, she be in their lives (for their sake).

Not even from a moral standpoint but from a mental/emotional one, I would hold off on the dating. You have a lot going on and people in our situation don't have our heads on straight when it comes to this because of the issues we are dealing with. I would get past the divorce, get settled fully into your new and eventually better life and then start to dabble. Right now the risk is further damaging your self esteem or worse, bringing someone into the picture that is a good person but you aren't ready and making it miserable or not fair to them. Good Luck to you sir!


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## VermiciousKnid

You're out free and clear with everything. Your wife is a cheating nutjob. You won the lottery in divorce. You'd be the chump of the century to even consider for 1 second taking her back. Please don't be the chump of the century.


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## Marc878

Cut the contact. Being the “bigger man” doesn’t mean allowing yourself to get played or treated as a doormat plan B.

The only one keeping yourself in this is you.

Your ex wife has no business calling you up and telling you what to do.

Wake up and cut that **** off. You will be fine long term


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## Lostinthought61

Keep a notebook on everything she has bailed on the kids it might be needed in the future.

PS what did she say when you told her that?


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## Malaise

Good job on dumping those so called friends.


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## Taxman

Given your custody schedule and her lack of interest in keeping to same, please document everything that is occurring. That will play a very important role in putting this matter before a judge. To be frank, people are idiots and do not understand the ramifications of their actions on a long term basis. Let alone that this schedule will negatively impact her relationship with her children, but she is of the class of women that think that they can carry on and ignore the kids and miraculously they will still consider her to be a loving and doting mother. Nope, she will be like a few women of my acquaintance who are tolerated in short bursts by their children. They are given absolutely no consideration other than from the standpoint of societal obligation. (One I know, has tried for nearly twenty years to reconcile with her daughter, who will have little to do with her due to the abysmal way she treated their dad during her affair and remarriage to the AP.) The courts will deal with your wife, just keep records of everything. They really do not think that people (ex spouses) will go the extra mile and take note of their actions. Keep a VAR on you when you talk to her, and when the kids stay with her, I want them questioned gently to determine what is going on in her house. (Like for example the AP is staying over.) Judges take a dim view of the affair being conducted in the presence of minors. My favorite story is of a wife who was dim enough to do everything wrong during the separation leading up to the divorce. The AP moved in not 24 hours after she kicked her husband out. Then the kids started spending more days a week with dad, than with mom. She started travelling with the AP, and dumping her kids on her ex. We documented the shlt out of this. We had dates, and things said. She came to court expecting that since he made more than her, she could expect child support and spousal support. We got spousal support off the table as the AP was a superior at her company and we were going to take his career away from him. She had a minor diarrhea episode in our offices when she saw the intended email to the CEO of his company. He would have been blacklisted. Period. BUT she was all smiles when her petition for child support was brought forward. The judge was afforded a timeline from separation to several days before court. It showed that he had the kids more than they had agreed. It showed the times that she did not arrive at all to pick up the kids. It had a list of her excuses ranging from: "I overslept, and now I have to go to work" to "AP and I have reservations at a resort this weekend, and he doesn't want the kids to come" The judge smiled at her and denied her petition, and then GAVE the kids to my client, with limited visitation from their mother. The kids were fine with it. Her relationship with the AP came to an abrupt end, when she blamed losing her kids on him. (Yeah, she is that screwed up, blamed her AP for her actions. She will end up old and alone as far as I can see)


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## MovingForward

You will have no issue finding someone new and better, just dont rush, you are in shock and the loneliness is tough at first but keep active with the kids, find new outlets and establish a new normal and you will be better than you ever dreamed and wondering why you let her treat you like this and accepted it.


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## MaiChi

If you think she was bad then, let her back into your life now and see how much worse your life will be. 

How does a mother walk away from three children? I have two and if I fell out with their dad, I would have to stay or move out with the children. I could not walk away from them.


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## bandit.45

You're 25? Wow...you've lived more of a life than most guys twice your age and you're still a pup. You have your whole life ahead of you. 

The best thing that has probably come out of this fiasco is that you have gained a lot of wisdom. Use that wisdom to pick your next mate wisely.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Right?!.....25yo and you got everything in the divorce. While the pain of losing a partner sucks. Please let me tell you. I ENVY you. You have kids, your retirement pension and a stable life in view of everything. You are going to find women lining up quick. Keep in shape and take care of yourself. While you do have some stress with the split and the harpy like attitude from your ex. Do not let it faze you. You can do better. You are worth more and deserve it! 

All that and wisdom to boot. Yup, I envy you indeed.


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## GusPolinski

There’s no upside to taking her back, at least not if you spend more than 10 seconds thinking about it. So just let her go.

Talk with her about NOTHING that doesn’t *directly* involve the kids.

If she expresses any interest in getting back together tell her you’re not interested.

As someone has already said, read up on and implement the 180.


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## Dawghoused

I think you should give her a chance if she really wants to come back. You are young and lonely with the responsibility of 3 kids. So you definitely need a partner and she is the best option.


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## Marc878

Hopeisgone said:


> Hello all... sorry, been so busy, keeping up doing work around the house and taking care of the kids. So here's an update:
> I was seriously considering going back- until a mutual friend called me one day, told me how much shes praising the new guy online for supporting her through the hard times and how much she loves him for that. I called my ex, told her to please not consider me anymore, that I saw what she posted and it's time we both move on. I honestly feel a lot better. I've been working so much I've gone a month with no gym but still eating healthy. I'm overall feeling 1000% better about my situation. I do get lonely from time to time but ey, I'm only human. Friends that were originally mine that took her side, tried reaching out to me to reconcile but I told them I have zero interest in being friends with them-keeping the negative energy out of my life. As far as my ex- I mutually agreed that while the kids are on summer break, that she can have them 3.5 days a week and we split it right down the middle. So far, 2 weeks into it, she has bailed and she will still see them in the mornings but for whatever reason, she cant have them sleep over. *No big deal to me, but I know every kids needs their mother just as much as they need their father.*
> As far as meeting someone, I've gone on a few dates, nothing that really sparks my interest- and some I didnt spark theirs. Lol. Who knows at this point. I appreciate everybody for all the advice cause it definitely helped me a lot


They don't need a mother like that. You are totally wrong here.


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## Rubix Cubed

Dawghoused said:


> I think you should give her a chance if she really wants to come back. You are young and lonely with the responsibility of 3 kids. So you definitely need a partner and she is the best option.



Best option? You're a funny guy.


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## Rob_1

@Dawghoused: are you that lame. You must have a cuckold fetish or something. This is the worst advice given to anyone. 
I wonder if your partner would do that to you, what your reaction would be?? Probably that of an acceptant weak doormat.


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## Cynthia

When your ex-wife had an affair, divorced you, and took off with another man, that ended any responsibility you have to her. She left you with the children, which is where to appear to be safe. Now you are considering taking her back when she isn't even repentant for her harmful behavior towards you and the children.

Why? Why on earth would you give it a moment of consideration?

The point of marriage is to intertwine your life with someone. In order to make this a positive thing it's important that you have each other's backs 100%. Your ex doesn't have you back at all. Not only did she not protect you. She actually stabbed you in the back with no thought whatsoever for the pain it would cause you and the children.

And now you are considering taking her back. She has not changed. She has not shown in any way, shape, or form that she has made radical and lasting changes in her life that would make her safe for you to be with for more than 30 seconds. Even your limited interactions with her have been with her not showing concern for you in the present and certainly not showing any contrition for her terrible betrayal capped off with her irresponsible behavior that shows a lack of concern for anything or anyone.

This woman is not marriage material. If you are looking for a wife there are much better choices out there. However, due to the fact that you have not fully recovered from her actions and that you are thinking about taking her back, I do not recommend that you look for someone else until you have made substantial progress in healing and are able to spot a poor quality woman and a high quality woman.


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## Tatsuhiko

Hopeisgone said:


> I'm 25, 3 kids, make a great living and all, but who wants a man that young with such "baggage"?


Ooh, ooh, I can answer this one. It's the divorced young beauty who is sitting alone now at home with her two kids, wondering who would put up with her baggage. Need some more examples? Maybe the widowed young sweetheart? Let me know if you need more. There are plenty.


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## OnTheFly

Tatsuhiko said:


> Ooh, ooh, I can answer this one. It's the divorced young beauty who is sitting alone now at home with her two kids, wondering who would put up with her baggage.


lol, don't add to his problems!


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## Decorum

Dont know if you are still lurking AHIG,
But you should recognize the push/pull she is gaming you with.

It happens ALL...THE...TIME...
she is just trying to keep you needy in case she needs you.

It has nothing to do with love.

It is the worse kind of emotional manipulation, and indicates she is a POS human being.

Move on and only communicate with her about the kids.

If she brings up the relationship tell her, it's in the past and over, to move on because you have, no more discussion.

Take care.


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## Taxman

I would introduce her to my new girlfriend, who is younger, prettier, smarter and richer. I would laugh in her face. You want back? F you and the horse you rode in on. You wanted divorce? You got it. I moved on.


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