# Wrong to offer to rent my mom a separate place nearby?



## tgaia123 (Nov 15, 2011)

My mom and I share a really good relationship as with most families. She raised me by herself while my dad left when I was young to start another family and I have no doubt she loves me a lot.

However, I am now 28 years old and recently got married. My new wife and I recently bought a home and would like to start our new life together. Before we moved out, we all agreed that we were going to live separately but close enough to where we can visit each other as often as we wanted to (within 15min).

When we got our new house, my mom asked if she can move in with us temporarily while she looked for a new job. She let my aunt take over our previous residence since they have a lot of issues when staying under the same roof. It has been a year now and she is still with us. My wife and I have offered to rent a place nearby as to the original agreement so we can live separately, she can live comfortable, and to avoid any in-law issues that might arise (which already has).

Every time we bring it up, she gets mad and says I want to kick her out and we don't want her in our lives. This of course is not true at all. She would get mad, go stay with her sister for a week then come back and start the routine over again. We just want to be able to start our own lives and not have mom doing everything for us around the house when we're off to work. The last argument we had was really bad and she has it in her mind that we kicked her out. She told some of my family members the same thing and now my wife and I are hated by them when it was her that broke her initial promise.

She claims that she does not want to live with us but just wants time to find a job. If that's true, why is living a block down to street from us such a horrible suggestion and why does she always get mad when we bring up the topic?

I think she really wants to stay with me even though she says she doesn't. Anyone have any thoughts on that? Was it wrong for me to suggest getting her a place nearby until she found a new job? Should I have waited and let her stay until she knew exactly where she wanted to live? I know she'll forgive me eventually since we're family but I don't want everyone to hate my wife because of this.

By the way, we're asian and she keeps saying that when she was brought up, everyone lived together under one roof even though she says she doesn't care about living with us. My wife and I are raised in the US. I'm really torn on the issue since I don't want to hurt my mother in any way and I also don't want fight with my wife to the point where we'll end up getting a divorce. We both want to live separate lives but my mom seems to not want to let go. Any opinions or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks in advance everyone.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yep. Time for Mom to cut the cord.

I couldn't handle that as your wife. Either Mom goes, or I would.

You may be Asian, but she raised you American. It's usually not custom for parents to live with married adult children.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The thing is, the mom moved in "until she could get on her feet"....and now won't go.

To me, that's manipulation and very sneaky. I wouldn't stand for that.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> The thing is, the mom moved in "until she could get on her feet"....and now won't go.
> 
> To me, that's manipulation and very sneaky. I wouldn't stand for that.


Hi,:iagree:, BUT maybe after she moved in she realised that if she left she'd be all alone- too quiet, lonely etc. I don't know, maybe i'm giving her too much credit, but I'm hoping that a firm but polite talk would do the trick.

I just feel that if he is too firm, he's gonna alienate his mom more & that gonna come back to bite the couple later, cos mom may move out but may resort to other types of manipulation to get her way.

But then again, maybe my advice is all kinds of messed up, since my in laws still manipulate my hubby every chance they get, even with the once a week suppers


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

When you are a first generation adult child of immigrants, it can be very hard to reconcile the ways of the old country, with the new North American lifestyle. My parents raised us like we were still in the tropics, where they are from. This meant that sexism was common and encouraged, as well as physical abuse. 

I can also identify with Blissful and Tgaia123.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

There's nothing worse than parasitic parents and your mom is one of them. I don't give a damn WHERE she is from. I feel for your wife. If your mother is lonely she should get a dog, or a hobby. Not mess up her kid's lives. 

I'd sooner slit my throat than do that to my kids. 

You are married now to your WIFE. THAT is your first priority as a man and as a husband. It's time to cut the apron strings and tell your mother she has to get out. If you give into your mother on this one then it'll get worse and worse because she'll push it in other ways. It'll affect your lifestyle, when you have kids...everything. 

Unless you are looking to be posting in the Divorce forum soon you'd better nip this one in the bud quickly. Because if you don't stick up for your wife and marriage and get your priorities in order that's where you'll be...looking at a Divorce.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

FreakOnALeash, you are correct. However, it is very easy for someone who does not have demanding immigrant parents, to say "Who cares where she is from??" Obviously, the OP is going to be influenced by the morals he was raised with.

It will be a difficult task, but he will need to choose his wife over his mother no matter how heart wrenching it is. I eloped despite the cultural expectation that a daughter is to have a large wedding planned by her parents. I also moved out years before I was married, which was seen as disrespectful rebellion.

Parents need to learn how to gracefully step down when their adult child marries. Otherwise, there will be power struggles and manipulation, which may cause distant relationships.


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## Marv (Nov 12, 2011)

It's never wrong to ask for some space so you can focus on building a new life with your wife. Make your mom understand that although you're still her son, you're now a husband, and you have responsibilities to your wife. Those include making sure you and her live harmoniously. Talk to your mother as gently as possible. It's inevitable for her not to get hurt, but it's necessary. If she does move out, pay her regular visits, and make her feel loved as much as possible. :smthumbup:


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

When we got married and had some financial issues, my wife suggested that we get a large home with her parents. I said absolutely not, and we enjoyed our privacy and raised the children. 

When her parents became ill, I said her mother was welcome to stay at our home, and spent 4 years there while we dealt with multiple strokes and other illnesses. It was hard, particularly on my wife, but I never suggested her mother leave. There was a lack of privacy and involvement in our affairs that my wife found very hard and stressful, even though her mother is a nice and caring person. 

The point is that you have parents live with you, only when you have to and then, you should do it graciously. 

Hey, your mother will be mad, but you have to deal with it. Right now, your mother does not care about the health of your marriage and your own happiness, and is being self-centered and manipulative. You don't have to say that to her, but you do need to get some cahones and assert yourself, telling her if that she is welcome to live nearby and that if she really needs a place to live, you will be there. 






tgaia123 said:


> My mom and I share a really good relationship as with most families. She raised me by herself while my dad left when I was young to start another family and I have no doubt she loves me a lot.
> 
> However, I am now 28 years old and recently got married. My new wife and I recently bought a home and would like to start our new life together. Before we moved out, we all agreed that we were going to live separately but close enough to where we can visit each other as often as we wanted to (within 15min).
> 
> ...


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