# Fight over my clothes



## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I have posted here before and folks have said they thought my husband is a narcissist. I think he has the tendencies...but I'm not convinced he's 100 percent. 

However, I could be wrong. Case in point. He has had a history of circling clothes in magazines and telling me what I should buy for clothes etc. Usually it's more revealing clothes than I am comfortable with. Well, I asked him to stop after it became overkill. We discussed it in therapy and he stopped for awhile. He's back at it again. Last Christmas he bought me a cowboy style hat that he saw in "Boston proper" magazine. I always told him it was nice but just not my style. He apparently was upset so he bought it for me for Christmas. He said he couldn't wait to see me at that pool in that. Prior to Christmas he would comment about how hot I WOULD look if I wore that at the pool. I always just smiled and let it go. 

So now.. 4 months later .. We are heading to the pool and he wants me to wear it. I said ok. I thought GREAT I gotta wear this thing. But he wants me too. As we were leaving he asked if I had my hat. I said yeah. I said I think it looks a little ridiculous with my haircut like this, but yes, I have it

He freaked! He was so mad. He said excuse me you don't call my gifts ridiculous! He said that ridiculous is meant for clown shoes not his gift. So Now he's ticked. He wants me to apologize. 

I haven't yet. Am I out of line? Anytime I buy him something I always tell him he can return it! I let him make his own choices. His obsession with this hat.. And a few other pieces of clothing.. Is just crazy to me! I dress in very nice clothes. I even just got my hair cut for him! He didn't mandate it or anything but he definitely kept reminding me of what he liked.
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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Not sure about the obsession...that seems strange to me, but I do know that my husband likes to pick out sexy outfits for me sometimes. Tank tops, capris, sundresses, etc. It's just his way of saying, "I think you look completely hot in that outfit!" and I take it as a compliment. He's not controlling about it at all, though, it sounds like your husband may be. You should definitely have the choice to choose what you wear, but it may be that he's just trying to tell you that he'd love to see you in something different every once in awhile.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

All I saw was he bought you a hat that you didn't even like and he knew that, and he bought it for you for christmas.

So he bought a silly hat for himself. There was no thought about you in there. 

A person should give a gift to a person thinking about what they really like.

If it was for him and if he wanted you to wear it in the bedroom, then that is understandable, not to force you to wear something you don't like to the pool.

I am happy to wear things for my fiance, but he wouldn't want me to be uncomfortable in public. And I am sure he would never buy me a gift I told him I did not like.

he owes you one gift and an apology.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well the weird thing is he is so passive aggressive. He will send me an email of a dress that HE wants me to buy to wear to work and when I say nothing... He will say did you see those dresses I sent you? I will say "yes thanks". He'll say .." what they aren't good enough? Apparently I have bad taste". Then I'll say no no.. Honey.. It just is cut a little strange around the arm ...or something. But he seems to take it as a personal attack. 

But I DO take him shopping with me. I'll show him what I want to buy and I usually let him have the final pick on what I buy. 

As for the bedroom.. The guy never makes a move anymore. I will sometimes wake him up in the middle of the night. He normally just wantse to help him masturbate. We've been over this in therapy too! But he still does it. The last time I woke him up by rubbing his back. He had ejaculated within 2 minutes. When it appeared that was what he was going to do... I said .. Wait? We aren't going to? He said what do you want? You were rubbing my back. Then he went to sleep. 

So trust me I'm definitely not trying to wear anything for him in the bedroom. 





Syrum said:


> All I saw was he bought you a hat that you didn't even like and he knew that, and he bought it for you for christmas.
> 
> So he bought a silly hat for himself. There was no thought about you in there.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wow.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Please tell me what you mean by wow. Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I want to be happier and if I'm the problem, I need to know. 




Runs like Dog said:


> Wow.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've dealt with some control freaks in my life but nothing like your husband. It's not the degree of control, it's the seeming irrelevance of the things he wants to control. Does he restrict what you eat too? If he does I'd say grab your stuff and run. Those kind of people are fairly toxic and dangerous to be around.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Gotcha. Funny you asked about food. I almost posted about that. I have always been a runner. Always gone to the gym nearly daily. I recently took a couple fitness training sessions to improve my endurance. He has NEVER worked out. Ever Well, He began starving himself. Eating even less than I do! I got worried about him so I encouraged him to go to the trainer for a few "ideas". I was worried about him! So NOW he goes to this personal trainer weekly. He also tells me often that I'm not doing my workout right. Last night he chastised me for eating a sugar free chocolate fudgicle before bed. And yes... He has encouraged me to have plastic surgery too. But I brought that up in therapy and he hasn't made that mistake since. 




Runs like Dog said:


> I've dealt with some control freaks in my life but nothing like your husband. It's not the degree of control, it's the seeming irrelevance of the things he wants to control. Does he restrict what you eat too? If he does I'd say grab your stuff and run. Those kind of people are fairly toxic and dangerous to be around.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yep, he buys you a gift he knows you neither want nor like, and then gets ticked when you don't like it. He sends you pictures of clothing and gets ticked when you don't like the stuff. His behavior makes it clear he is not sending you "ideas," but rather, "orders." He wants you to wear this--your opinion and comfort are irrelevant. He thinks YOU are his toy doll, to dress as he pleases, and when you assert your--gasp--independent, human will, he gets mad and passive-aggressive?

Tell us again, what is good about the relationship that makes it worth staying? 

Then get counseling and decide if you can really learn to laugh at his behavior-b/c it is childish and laughable. You don't have to laugh in his face, but your attitude could be simply indulgent, like watching a child stamp his foot in anger. No skin off your noise! Just be aware that in disconnecting from responsibility for his feelings and reactions, you need to be sure there are other reasons worth staying connected in other ways--b/c if the only thing holding you together is your co-dependence, you'll find yourself wanting to walk once you've stopped that behavior. Good luck!

ha, just saw the response about food and plastic surgery. Really, what are his good points?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

What's good? He's a decent dad. I believe strongly in trying to keep a family together. He's not perfect as a dad but he tries. He doesn't cheat on me. He normally doesn't make me question his fidelity. But some of his positives are really negatives too. He doesn't go out with friends or even have friends (mostly gay friends which is odd). But he doesn't hang out in bars or take time away from his family unless it's for work. 

He's a Christian man with good morales. I've thought of leaving but I wonder if I'm just being too judgmental. He's not a cheater or a physical abuser.
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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Well, now that you've provided more details, I'd say it has nothing to do with the clothing and more about him just wanting to control you, as previous posters mentioned.


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## Blue Skye (Apr 22, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Well, now that you've provided more details, I'd say it has nothing to do with the clothing and more about him just wanting to control you, as previous posters mentioned.


:iagree:


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Blue Skye said:


> :iagree:


So how bad is that? Obviously nobody is perfect. He isn't a cheater.. He's just controlling and tough to have "fun" with. Here's another scenario I'd like to offer up. We are at a resort for the weekend. We ate laying around the pool with the kids and he can't stop talking about work. He is offering up ideas for me on how to be a better employee. (we work at the same place). He's suggesting I take the new boss to lunch and launch his ideas. 

It's driving me me crazy. I just want to take a nap. But this isn't unusual. It's always this way. Is that normal?
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> So how bad is that? Obviously nobody is perfect. He isn't a cheater.. He's just controlling and tough to have "fun" with. Here's another scenario I'd like to offer up. We are at a resort for the weekend. We ate laying around the pool with the kids and he can't stop talking about work. He is offering up ideas for me on how to be a better employee. (we work at the same place). He's suggesting I take the new boss to lunch and launch his ideas.
> 
> It's driving me me crazy. I just want to take a nap. But this isn't unusual. It's always this way. Is that normal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry - there is a large spread between good father/doesn't cheat/doesn't hit me and decent human being. If you're ok with that - that is your choice but I would find it exhausting.
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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, men do tend to want to help by fixing things (I'm referring to him "helping" you at work).....mine does the same thing, its irritating at times but he means well. I listen but if pressed let him know I can handle the situation on my own, but thanks for the input.

As for some of the other things you describe....it does sound controlling. However I suppose it is not if it doesn't bother you too much. 

As you say, he's not a cheater but that isn't the only criteria for a good relationship. Not cheating is the minimum 

You may want to read a book called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, its about controlling abusive men. Not that yours is but it very clearly identifies controlling behaviors, and offers suggestions.

Someone here at TAG recommended it to me, it was very interesting and helpful to me.

Best, Leah


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Leah L said:


> Well, men do tend to want to help by fixing things (I'm referring to him "helping" you at work).....mine does the same thing, its irritating at times but he means well. I listen but if pressed let him know I can handle the situation on my own, but thanks for the input.
> 
> As for some of the other things you describe....it does sound controlling. However I suppose it is not if it doesn't bother you too much.
> 
> ...


I guess that line about doesn't hit or cheat hits close to home. That's what my mom said about my dad - as controlled and manipulated her.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Other than that Mrs. Kennedy, how was the motorcade?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

You mean I'm living THAT controlled? I guess I don't quite understand what you mean. 




Runs like Dog said:


> Other than that Mrs. Kennedy, how was the motorcade?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When people say "Well he doesn't beat me, or bang skanks so there's that..." Duh. Maybe this is one of my own soft points but spouses and lovers who are that deep into being a master over you worry me. It has a whiff of pathological behavior. What do you think would happen if you left him?


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Well I think he would freak. He would have to succumb to a whole different lifestyle. I make the cash and he even said that he wouldn't be able to afford a 2 bedroom apt if I left him. That's not really true, but he had a shocking wake up call about a year ago when I threatened to leave. He just bought a new Cadillac... Wants me to get a raise this year so we can have a bigger house. He definitely would go into shock if I left. 




Runs like Dog said:


> When people say "Well he doesn't beat me, or bang skanks so there's that..." Duh. Maybe this is one of my own soft points but spouses and lovers who are that deep into being a master over you worry me. It has a whiff of pathological behavior. What do you think would happen if you left him?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

crazycat25 said:


> Well I think he would freak. He would have to succumb to a whole different lifestyle. I make the cash and he even said that he wouldn't be able to afford a 2 bedroom apt if I left him. That's not really true, but he had a shocking wake up call about a year ago when I threatened to leave. He just bought a new Cadillac... Wants me to get a raise this year so we can have a bigger house. He definitely would go into shock if I left.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Not being rude or disrespectful - him controlling the clothes and the 'sex' kind of creeps me out.


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

I understand. I'm actually nearly immune to the clothes stuff.. It was the hat argument that HE started that really upset me today, though. But I agree about the sex. I used to love being intimate. Now I just can't stand it. I often worry it's just me getting bored in a long marriage. But I think it's more than that. I look at other men and really dream about life outside of this marriage. 



golfergirl said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Not being rude or disrespectful - him controlling the clothes and the 'sex' kind of creeps me out.


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