# Problem with wife talking to an EX



## JRSNRS

Me and my wife have been arguing non stop for a week about the fact that she talks to an ex-boyfriend from over 10 years ago. they almost got back together right before me and get got together and then have causally talked since. well between the 11th of september and today, they have sent over 130 text messages to each other and over 30 emails. I have read all of them and they all seem to be talking about NFL football but it just bothers me that she is talking to him so much. At one point i feel like she got off the phone with me so she could finish talking to him. He is continuously asking her for advise on picking football teams to bet on which seems strange to me also. 


Will someone please give me there opinion on this situation. 

Thanks


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## Lon

It is the start of an EA.


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## LovesHerMan

Yep, I agree. She should not be blowing on those old embers. If she once had feelings for him, they will re-ignite very easily.


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## Entropy3000

IMHO this is very bad. Connecting with EXs at all. He is meeting her emotional needs. EXs are forever a problem. It is so easy to just fall right back with an ex. 

There is really nothing to argue about. You need to tell her she has crossed a boundarry and that this is not acceptable to you. She must cut this off now.

In one way it does not matter that they are talking about something seemingly innocent. It is ggo in that this EA she is having with him may be early on. BUT the fact that this is en EX trumps that completely.

She need to shut it down now and go full No Contact. This is way disrespectful.

Best to deal with this now and not after they have fallen back in love and she is too far gone.

I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs to help with meeting each others needs but more importantly that you discuss, define and implement proper boundaries for the opposite sex relationships.

This would not be good if he was just some FNG. But he is an EX. They have already hooked up at some point. That can happen in a heartbeat.

You need to be monitoring her email, facebook, texts and phone calls.

Do they meet up for lunch or drinks to discuss football?


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## JRSNRS

No, its all email and text. He lives 2.5 hours away. I am a very jelious person and work 24 hour shifts as a firefighter so it just leaves plenty of time to think what if... we have been together 9 years and married for 5 with 3 little girls.



Entropy3000 said:


> IMHO this is very bad. Connecting with EXs at all. He is meeting her emotional needs. EXs are forever a problem. It is so easy to just fall right back with an ex.
> 
> There is really nothing to argue about. You need to tell her she has crossed a boundarry and that this is not acceptable to you. She must cut this off now.
> 
> In one way it does not matter that they are talking about something seemingly innocent. It is ggo in that this EA she is having with him may be early on. BUT the fact that this is en EX trumps that completely.
> 
> She need to shut it down now and go full No Contact. This is way disrespectful.
> 
> Best to deal with this now and not after they have fallen back in love and she is too far gone.
> 
> I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs to help with meeting each others needs but more importantly that you discuss, define and implement proper boundaries for the opposite sex relationships.
> 
> This would not be good if he was just some FNG. But he is an EX. They have already hooked up at some point. That can happen in a heartbeat.
> 
> You need to be monitoring her email, facebook, texts and phone calls.
> 
> Do they meet up for lunch or drinks to discuss football?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

I had an ex that told me, "It's not 'new loves' people need to worry about--it's the old ones," as he very charmingly smiled at me and tilted his head to the side with a look that said "I'm still around if you want to, you know..."

He was a Libra. Of course.

But he was right in a way. 

If you have told her the relationship with him bothers you and she continues to chat him up an dhas texted him 130 times and sent 30 emails in less than two weeks -- you are right to be concerned. There are days when I don't even text people.


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## the guy

You can't control her so don't try. She is either going to respect you or not. She is either going to have her own boundries for your marriage or she will not. Again you have no control, it is up to her.

You do however have control on what you do and what you will tolorate. You can choose to become a memebr of the cheater police and spend your time validating and confirming your W loyalty by installing VAR, GPS and other investigative devices in which you can monitor until you eventially find the "I miss you" or "I love you" in there convos.

Or you can ask her to leave. Showing the confidence that you will not beg for a marriage that has the protential to go south if the "friendship" continues.

So there is one thing you can control and thats your marriage and the ablity to protect it by walking away from it.

I know it sound back @ss back wards, but your wife can do what she wants and if she wants the marriage she will do what it takes to keep you around. Again it is her choice to do what *she* needs to do to maintain a healthy marriage. She has that control, just like you have the control to leave the marriage to avoid additional pain and future hurt that she could possibly cause you when her EA goes PA.


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## Entropy3000

JRSNRS said:


> No, its all email and text. He lives 2.5 hours away. I am a very jelious person and work 24 hour shifts as a firefighter so it just leaves plenty of time to think what if... we have been together 9 years and married for 5 with 3 little girls.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jealousy is your hard wired body agenda telling you that another man is poaching your wife. It is a survival instinct. In your case you have every reason to feel jealous. Your wife is connecting with an OM. This OM and she have had an initmate relationship before. This is a big no no. She should not be connecting with him at all.

She is already in at least the start of an EA with him. Time is not on your side. You either can take action and get out in front of this or lose your wife / marriage and right to be living in the family home with your children. Sure you could put up with her letting another man take your place. This will progress however. It will not get better on its own. The fact she has been arguing with you, should tell you he is a serious threat to your marriage. Again the fact that he is an EX makes this a hundred times more urgent.

2.5 hours away is better than 10 minutes. That said 2.5 hours can be covered readily in one of your 24 hours shifts with ease. Not trying to mess with your head. But affair partners cross thousands of miles and hookup. Think of Close Encounters of the Third kind. It is that bad. It is chemical.

You need to listen to what the guy is telling you. He is dead on. You deserve to be the man that raises your three girls. BUT, to save a marriage you have to be willing to walk away from it. Crazy as that sounds.

Also realize that there may be more to this than you know and it may have been going on for a long time.


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## Lon

yeah, 2.5 hours isn't far, the drive there is an easy form of foreplay for the OM, she could basically show up wet. My wife's AP's were in a city 5 hours drive away, There were times she'd have a "girls night" and not come back until sunrise, I also noticed the fuel gauge in her car was frequently empty within days after I filled it, and often noticed she had sometimes refilled it when I though it would be low without using our joint expense account (using cash from her business I guess). I suspect that she was meeting up halfway for hook ups.


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## RoseRed

JRSNRS said:


> Me and my wife have been arguing non stop for a week about the fact that she talks to an ex-boyfriend from over 10 years ago. they almost got back together right before me and get got together and then have causally talked since. well between the 11th of september and today, they have sent over 130 text messages to each other and over 30 emails. I have read all of them and they all seem to be talking about NFL football but it just bothers me that she is talking to him so much. At one point i feel like she got off the phone with me so she could finish talking to him. He is continuously asking her for advise on picking football teams to bet on which seems strange to me also.
> 
> 
> Will someone please give me there opinion on this situation.
> 
> Thanks


Is everything else seem like normal life other than this??

Is your wife a football nut?? 

Just my opinion,there are men that will ALWAYS be in the friend zone. Being married all other men in my life are in the friend zone, ex's or otherwise..I keep this boundary very strong.

Opening of the NFL season is just around the corner.. there will be a flurry of ideas, notions and thoughts of the upcoming season... and the fantasy league has to be squared away too... If the texts and emails are just about football... its just about football... as Freud says.. sometimes a cake is just a cake.

HOWEVER.. this does make you uncomfortable... so it DOES warrant a discussion with the W. Sit down, talk to her gently openly and honestly in love that you are a bit concerned about this and its ok to admit that you have a bit of worry and possible insecurity about the issue. Once she knows and understands your FEELINGS... it could be easily brought into perspective and a solution between the two of you can be worked out. If you are into football.. pipe in your opinons,, get involved too.

My H has a few hobbies... he has OS friends that I have no problem with... as I have OS friends too... all of them know that we are married...and for the most part we know each others friends... one of my ancient ex's has become one of my H's friend! 

Second guessing or mind reading your spouse is one of the kisses of death. It is taking the stance that a spouse is assumed guilty and must prove their innocence... not a very trusting marriage at all....


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## CandieGirl

I had an ex contact me just a few days ago - innocently enough, over FB (we are not FB friends) to congratulate me on my recent marriage. Nice guy, right? Yes and no. The first paragraph was all nice-nice, and congrats, you guys look so happy, what a lucky man he is...the second paragraph was where I got the "You'll always have a place in my heart, and if there's EVER anything I can do for you, know that I'll always be there...", and "if I ever bump into you we can have a drink"...blah blah blah. That's just him making sure he keeps all his doors and windows open, just in case.

Luckily I'm smart enough (now, at least...wasn't always!) to recognize this. I politely thanked him for his congrats, but discouraged any further contact, Facebook, or otherwise. I then told my husband about it, just because I felt it was the right thing to do, and I'd expect him to be open with me, too.

EXES are trouble, no matter how long ago it was.


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## Shaggy

It's not ok for that much contact with any other man, especially an EX. They are engaging in a relationship. Married women and men should not be having relationships with their EXs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn

I agree with the majority here. 

At minimum, this guy is testing your wife's boundaries.

As a firefighter, you are away a lot... she is lonely, and is finding comfort talking to this other guy in your absence. Trust your gut. This is worth resolving asap.


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## F-102

Right now, the conversations are about football.

Soon, they will morph into:

Their jobs
Their families
Their lives since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
How much they missed each other
Fun things they did together
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she is when you're away
How her football conversations make her happy
How he makes her feel good about herself
How she feels like a young woman again
How she can't wait to talk to him again
How you're not always "perfect"
How you're the biggest jerk on the planet
How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you don't deserve her
How she can do so much better
How he's so much of a better man than you
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How she misses him everyday now
How they can see each other without anyone knowing
How she now realizes that she still loved him all along
How she's gonna leave you and return to him...

...get the picture?

You need to put an end to this NOW!


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## Locard

No need to speak with an ex at all. That should be why they are an ex. Blow this up now.


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## Entropy3000

F-102 said:


> Right now, the conversations are about football.
> 
> Soon, they will morph into:
> 
> Their jobs
> Their families
> Their lives since they parted
> Their significant others since they parted
> How much they missed each other
> Fun things they did together
> Your job
> How your job keeps you away
> How lonely she is when you're away
> How her football conversations make her happy
> How he makes her feel good about herself
> How she feels like a young woman again
> How she can't wait to talk to him again
> How you're not always "perfect"
> How you're the biggest jerk on the planet
> How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
> How you don't deserve her
> How she can do so much better
> How he's so much of a better man than you
> How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
> How she misses him everyday now
> How they can see each other without anyone knowing
> How she now realizes that she still loved him all along
> How she's gonna leave you and return to him...
> 
> ...get the picture?
> 
> You need to put an end to this NOW!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

The football is just an excuse. The way a man seduces a married woman is to befriend her. Then it goes as this post suggests. But even the football is doing nothing but making her think about him. This has nothing to do with football. It has everything to do with extramarital shinnanigans. She may not be looking for an affair. He is. Count on it. But she is looking for him to meet some of her needs.


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## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> This has nothing to do with football. It has everything to do with extramarital shinnanigans.


Unintentionally funny. :rofl:


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## RoseRed

F-102 said:


> Right now, the conversations are about football.
> 
> Soon, they will morph into:
> 
> Their jobs
> Their families
> Their lives since they parted
> Their significant others since they parted
> How much they missed each other
> Fun things they did together
> Your job
> How your job keeps you away
> How lonely she is when you're away
> How her football conversations make her happy
> How he makes her feel good about herself
> How she feels like a young woman again
> How she can't wait to talk to him again
> How you're not always "perfect"
> How you're the biggest jerk on the planet
> How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
> How you don't deserve her
> How she can do so much better
> How he's so much of a better man than you
> How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
> How she misses him everyday now
> How they can see each other without anyone knowing
> How she now realizes that she still loved him all along
> How she's gonna leave you and return to him...
> 
> ...get the picture?
> 
> 
> You need to put an end to this NOW!


Ok... I understand that you are coming from a biased point of view and thats one heck of a list of pre-destined absolutes. 

That gives the OP's W absolutely NO credibility for her character.. and a very harsh judgement as you have ABSOLUTELY no knowledge. 

Just because your spouse succombed... doesn't mean they all do...

F-102 if you took that tone and said "you need to put an end to this NOW!"... . my response would be... "back off... you are being a bully!! You have NO right to boss me around!" 

OP.. you know your W the best.. and how to approach her...

best wishes...


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> Unintentionally funny. :rofl:


Tomfoolery?


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## Acorn

RoseRed said:


> Ok... I understand that you are coming from a biased point of view and thats one heck of a list of pre-destined absolutes.
> 
> That gives the OP's W absolutely NO credibility for her character.. and a very harsh judgement as you have ABSOLUTELY no knowledge.
> 
> Just because your spouse succombed... doesn't mean they all do...
> 
> F-102 if you took that tone and said "you need to put an end to this NOW!"... . my response would be... "back off... you are being a bully!! You have NO right to boss me around!"
> 
> OP.. you know your W the best.. and how to approach her...
> 
> best wishes...


So what happens if OP puts faith in his wife and she lets him down? OP will feel like an idiot for not stepping up and proactively trying to prevent the marriage from failing.


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## LovesHerMan

I agree. People come here for advice because they have a gut feeling that something is wrong. I always say listen to your intuition.


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## Lon

RoseRed, I generally take the same moral stance with you on every comment you make here, except when it comes to infidelity. What Entropy and other commenters here are talking about has nothing to do with bias or attacking the credibility of spouses, it entirely has to do with dealing with the gut reaction that all too often turns out to be correct.

When red flags come up as they have in virtually every new thread on coping with infidelity, the benefit of the doubt must be cast aside because not proactively heading off this problem before the pass will prevent a marriage that could be saved and fixed from getting fixed, or atleast save the betrayed spouse from unduly prolonged suffering. And if we are wrong then atleast the marriage is still intact and the issues can be dealt with rationally.

You call everyone that calls out an unfaithful spouse biased, but it seems clear to me that you have not personally witnessed when someone who was completely trustworthy and reasonable experiences the rush from the c0cktail of neurotransmitters that fire off when they receive and embrace a little attention from someone of the opposite sex. It is commonly called "the fog" because these spouses who were perfectly credible are suddenly doing horrendous things to their marriage and can't see how irrational they are acting.

This isn't about morals and devotion it is about human physiology. The reason F-102 can be so precise with his prediction is because when the red flags describe the pattern of a cheating spouse it IS predictable, in fact there is a description for that too called "the script".


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## Sanity

Even in the strongest of marriages another gorrilla may challenge your turf. When this happens it's time you show your woman why this is not acceptable. Call or contact the EX and tell him to move on and that your wife is a married woman and that he is disrespecting you. Don't threaten but be firm and clear. Don't take lip from him either. Wife gets pissed? Too bad it's not acceptable and she can choose to be married or talk to ex all she wants after your divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseRed

Lon said:


> RoseRed, I generally take the same moral stance with you on every comment you make here, except when it comes to infidelity. What Entropy and other commenters here are talking about has nothing to do with bias or attacking the credibility of spouses, it entirely has to do with dealing with the gut reaction that all too often turns out to be correct.
> 
> When red flags come up as they have in virtually every new thread on coping with infidelity, the benefit of the doubt must be cast aside because not proactively heading off this problem before the pass will prevent a marriage that could be saved and fixed from getting fixed, or atleast save the betrayed spouse from unduly prolonged suffering. And if we are wrong then atleast the marriage is still intact and the issues can be dealt with rationally.
> 
> You call everyone that calls out an unfaithful spouse biased, but it seems clear to me that you have not personally witnessed when someone who was completely trustworthy and reasonable experiences the rush from the c0cktail of neurotransmitters that fire off when they receive and embrace a little attention from someone of the opposite sex. It is commonly called "the fog" because these spouses who were perfectly credible are suddenly doing horrendous things to their marriage and can't see how irrational they are acting.
> 
> This isn't about morals and devotion it is about human physiology. The reason F-102 can be so precise with his prediction is because when the red flags describe the pattern of a cheating spouse it IS predictable, in fact there is a description for that too called "the script".



I see your point....I repeat that the OP should talk to his wife about his feelings and concerns...let them share in good communication as a marriage should... but to outright demand a complete end of any friendship just because of insecurites and no solid information is being unfair. Flags or not.... being proactive is having OPEN HONEST COMMUNICATION! PERIOD! 


IF a spouse lies... then that is THEIR OWN SIN.... it does not diminish the reputation and character of the other. 

If a person has no morals... no trust in a marriage.. then I am truly sadden... then its a marriage based on constant fear... do you truly believe that is the purpose of marriage.. mistrust, insecurites, 

and then I hear... outright... if they BELIEVE they are liars, go spy and snoop and install voice recorders, and keyloggers... how incredibly sad... that anyone debase themselves to stoop to the same level... as the liar... 

it is as if marriage has become a dog eat dog union...

I call upon husband and wife, each and every morning as you awake... repeat the vows you declared to your wife and husband... 

TO LOVE, HONOR and CHARISH

and even though one may waver... as we all do.. as we are all human... DOES NOT NEGATE THE VOW YOU TOOK FOR BOTH SPOUSES!!!

I choose to honor my morals, my character, my integrity... I will never surrender my compassion, my love and my faith in humankind... 

Have I been forsaken, used, betrayed in life... of course... but I hold myself true and I do not think myself an idiot because someone wronged me... Will I stand up for myself to recover justice as allowed by the laws of God and of man.. but I will not comprimise my morals, values and trueself....

Psychology is a rule of generalities, based upon a study of habits, With each human upon this planet a unique beautiful amazing creature, If X then Y does not equate to mankind... It is like saying... 

Sir Bedevere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. 
Peasant 1: Are there? Oh well, tell us. 
Sir Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches? 
Peasant 1: Burn them. 
Sir Bedevere: And what do you burn, apart from witches? 
Peasant 1: More witches. 
Peasant 2: Wood. 
Sir Bedevere: Good. Now, why do witches burn? 
Peasant 3: ...because they're made of... wood? 
Sir Bedevere: Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood? 
Peasant 1: Build a bridge out of her. 
Sir Bedevere: But can you not also build bridges out of stone? 
Peasant 1: Oh yeah. 
Sir Bedevere: Does wood sink in water? 
Peasant 1: No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond! 
Sir Bedevere: No, no. What else floats in water? 
Peasant 1: Bread. 
Peasant 2: Apples. 
Peasant 3: Very small rocks. 
Peasant 1: Cider. 
Peasant 2: Gravy. 
Peasant 3: Cherries. 
Peasant 1: Mud. 
Peasant 2: Churches. 
Peasant 3: Lead! Lead! 
King Arthur: A Duck. 
Sir Bedevere: ...Exactly. So, logically... 
Peasant 1: If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood. 
Sir Bedevere: And therefore... 
Peasant 2: ...A witch! 

(many thanks to Monty Python!)


Even logically speacking its an inductive fallacy. 

My spouse cheated by talking to her ex.
All spouses have ex
Therefore all spouses that talk to their ex, cheat. 


OP - all I recommend is just gently, calmly talk to her. Do not fear sharing your heart and your concern in love. Ask for her strength to ease your worry... and work out a solution that works the best for both of you...

peace be with you all...


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## lordmayhem

F-102 said:


> Right now, the conversations are about football.
> 
> Soon, they will morph into:
> 
> Their jobs
> Their families
> Their lives since they parted
> Their significant others since they parted
> How much they missed each other
> Fun things they did together
> Your job
> How your job keeps you away
> How lonely she is when you're away
> How her football conversations make her happy
> How he makes her feel good about herself
> How she feels like a young woman again
> How she can't wait to talk to him again
> How you're not always "perfect"
> How you're the biggest jerk on the planet
> How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
> How you don't deserve her
> How she can do so much better
> How he's so much of a better man than you
> How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
> *How she misses him everyday now*
> How they can see each other without anyone knowing
> How she now realizes that she still loved him all along
> How she's gonna leave you and return to him...
> 
> ...get the picture?
> 
> You need to put an end to this NOW!


:iagree:

Wow! That's the "reconnecting with an ex" progression to an EA step by step! 

When I finally got my fWWs password to her secret facebook account, she had posted this on her wall: "God...I miss him so much" WTF? It blew me away. And they hadn't seen each other in like 25 years or something and she misses him so much? I saw red after that. Here's part of the screenshot.


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## Entropy3000

She has alredy broken trust. These are not just flags. This is already inappropriate and unfaithful NOW. It is not a matter of trusting her to just be friends with her EX lover. She has crossed a boundary by contacting them. By establishing regular communications. And by forming an emotional bond. And by disresepcting you further by arguing with you about it. 

You are not being insecure, overly jealous or controlling. But you will hear these words from wives who are being unfaithful.

What would be insecure would be for you to accept this one day further. A secure and loving husband shuts this down by all means. Now.

You have already tried resoaning with her. Be aware that the personnin the affair has trouble reasoning as they are influenced by the dopamine and xcytocin chemicals in their brain from being in the affair. It is a addiction. She will need to go complete No Contact. If she chooses you over him, she will go through withdrawal and only then will you guys be able to truly reason this through.

There is a third person in your marriage now. Extricate them or your wife is on her way out. She likely will cake eat for a while. But they will push towards making this more intimate. Slowly or not so slowly. He will be pushing to make this a PA by all means. You may or may not see more warning signs. You are not really sure just how deep this is now. Pretty deep if she has done this and arguing with you about it.

Her vows to be faithful to you are being broken now. She needs your help to break from him. You demonstrate your love for her by helping her be rid of him.


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## F-102

RoseRed said:


> Ok... I understand that you are coming from a biased point of view and thats one heck of a list of pre-destined absolutes.
> 
> That gives the OP's W absolutely NO credibility for her character.. and a very harsh judgement as you have ABSOLUTELY no knowledge.
> 
> Just because your spouse succombed... doesn't mean they all do...
> 
> F-102 if you took that tone and said "you need to put an end to this NOW!"... . my response would be... "back off... you are being a bully!! You have NO right to boss me around!"
> 
> OP.. you know your W the best.. and how to approach her...
> 
> best wishes...


Rose, my W never cheated, but the reason I say these things is that I notice a pattern when it comes to EAs-they always start out as innocent friendships where "nothing's going on".
And as far as these:
"I didn't want to appear controlling"
"I never thought that she would ever do that"
"I never would have suspected"
"Her friends and family thought that I was nuts to even think that"
"I trusted her"
"Spouses are supposed to honor their vows"
"I didn't want to make her mad"
"She SAID they were only friends"

There isn't a betrayed husband on this site or coming out of divorce court with his tail tucked between his legs that didn't say at least one of these lines.

P.S.- Thumbs up for the Holy Grail shout out!


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## nnoodle

Yikes. My marriage is really, really rocky right now from a myriad of issues but if I had a friendship with a man and it made my husband uncomfortable that friendship would end immediately. 

Its about respect and trust.

Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to. ~Arnold H. ...


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## Lon

RoseRed said:


> ...let them share in good communication as a marriage should... but to outright demand a complete end of any friendship *just because of insecurites and no solid information is being unfair*...


then later:


> ...if they BELIEVE they are liars, go spy and snoop and install voice recorders, and keyloggers... how incredibly sad... that anyone *debase themselves to stoop to the same level*... as the liar...


Well which one is the worst way to watch your spouse leave for another person destroying your marriage??



> Flags or not.... being proactive is having OPEN HONEST COMMUNICATION! PERIOD!


I agree, but what do you do when the communication goes off track? The integrity of a marriage is defined in those times of imperfection.



> IF a spouse lies... then that is THEIR OWN SIN.... it does not diminish the reputation and character of the other.


But it does affect the marriage partner immensely, in the decisions they have to make as well as emotional hardship of realizing your committment to a liar.



> If a person has no morals... no trust in a marriage.. then I am truly sadden... then its a marriage based on constant fear...


 morals and trust are completely different things... as to morals, only if the relationship was based on lies from the beginning would this become an issue, most people understand each other's morals and values quite well before marriage. Sure those can slowly shift over time but generally stay the same for the long term. As to trust, that is something that is built up gradually, and can be lost in an instant, which is why it is SO important that couples put those insecurities to rest using whatever means necessary to preserve the trust. For this reason I would never be offended if I ever learned my spouse was actively protecting our marriage by verifying her suspicions, rational or irrational, even behind my back. 



> and even though one may waver... as we all do.. as we are all human... DOES NOT NEGATE THE VOW YOU TOOK FOR BOTH SPOUSES!!!


Well it does when ones wavering equates to breaking the covenant of marriage.



> I choose to honor my morals, my character, my integrity... I will never surrender my compassion, my love and my faith in humankind...


Me too!

As to the Monty Python witch test, we're not talking about burning witches here, nor are we talking about ending true friendships, or even an exchange of words between ex's, we are talking about the OP's wife having an innappropriate amount of interaction with someone she has had sexual attraction to, she is nurturing emotional bonds to him and it is already at the point where it is affecting the marriage.


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## Entropy3000

She is losing his trust bit by bit and moment by moment the longer she continues this. He has already asked her to stop this inappropriate bond. She is arguing with him about it. So all she has to do is to keep fillabustering and keep her relationship alive and progressing with the EX. This indicates her priorities and that she is having needs met by the EX.

Essentially he is being dominated by another man as his wife is defending that relationship against the wishes of her husband. He cannot control her, nor should he wish to. He must make it clear that this is unacceptable to him.


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## Entropy3000

Acorn said:


> So what happens if OP puts faith in his wife and she lets him down? OP will feel like an idiot for not stepping up and proactively trying to prevent the marriage from failing.


She already has let him down. She has already broken his trust. She has been asked to stop and refuses. You are actually saying, so what if she continues in the same direction in this inappropriate and high risk behavior outside of their marriage. Only an insecure man would put up with this. As they say the train has left the station. He has to now intervene and get his wife if possible to stop it. He is trying to reason with her. He may have to threaten to not take this journey with her. If she continues to choose her EX over her husband, he should not accept this. The longer it goes the worse it gets.


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## Kobo

RoseRed said:


> Ok... I understand that you are coming from a biased point of view and thats one heck of a list of pre-destined absolutes.
> 
> That gives the OP's W absolutely NO credibility for her character.. and a very harsh judgement as you have ABSOLUTELY no knowledge.
> 
> Just because your spouse succombed... doesn't mean they all do...
> 
> F-102 if you took that tone and said "you need to put an end to this NOW!"... . my response would be... "back off... you are being a bully!! You have NO right to boss me around!"
> 
> OP.. you know your W the best.. and how to approach her...
> 
> best wishes...




130 texts in 2 weeks says its more than football. My wife hasn't cheated on me and I 100% agree with F-102


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## Entropy3000

Kobo said:


> 130 texts in 2 weeks says its more than football. My wife hasn't cheated on me and I 100% agree with F-102


My wife has not cheated on me either. I would not accept this at all. Further, I am the one who was in an EA and my wife called me on it and saved our marriage. I thought it was just a friendship. I did not realize it for what it was until I came through withdrawal. So I can speak directly from the EA side of things. This is not appropriate.


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## F-102

Far too many WSs truly believe that they are doing nothing wrong. They believe the old mantra: "It's not like we're having sex."

It's only after they get woken up by the BS filing divorce or seeing that the OM only wanted to get into their pants do they realize the true damage of their actions, in other words, when it's too late.


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## alegna

If she were in your shoes and you were talking to an ex, she probably wouldn't like it. No one in a relationship/marriage should be talking to EX's other than awkward run-ins at the store with courtesy/mannered hi, bye. I would talk to her about it and let her know how you feel. Ex's are trouble that doesn't need to be brought back. Ex's are ex's for a reason!


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## F-102

Actually, if I saw an ex on the street, I'd probably hide.


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## alegna

F-102 said:


> Actually, if I saw an ex on the street, I'd probably hide.


People don't hide from things/people unless they have things to hide. If you need to hide from running into an ex, you obviously were the one that had things to "hide"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Open4it

Why does your wife even have this guy's number and email in the first place?
I must be from another planet.
I don't get all this connecting on FB and scrounging up faces from the past and collecting people's #s to text them out of the blue.
I have a hard enough time keeping up with my very small circle of friends and acquaintances.
I'm single and don't keep up with any ex's and I most certainly wouldn't think it appropriate to engage in any kind of exchanges (txt, email, FB) with an ex if I was in a committed relationship or marriage.
I just don't get it.


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## Entropy3000

alegna said:


> If she were in your shoes and you were talking to an ex, she probably wouldn't like it. No one in a relationship/marriage should be talking to EX's other than awkward run-ins at the store with courtesy/mannered hi, bye. I would talk to her about it and let her know how you feel. Ex's are trouble that doesn't need to be brought back. Ex's are ex's for a reason!


He has talked to her and she argues with him about it. She does not want to stop.


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## F-102

alegna said:


> People don't hide from things/people unless they have things to hide. If you need to hide from running into an ex, you obviously were the one that had things to "hide"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I have nothing to "hide", I'd just find it awkward, and I'd be wondering "What do I say? How do I come off? Will I come off as bragging? What if she wants to stay in touch? Do I say No?"

You said it yourself, it would be an "awkward run-in", and I don't do those very well. You're an ex for a reason, and I have no interest in "catching up".


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## F-102

BTW, where did the OP go?


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## CandieGirl

CandieGirl said:


> I had an ex contact me just a few days ago - innocently enough, over FB (we are not FB friends) to congratulate me on my recent marriage. Nice guy, right? Yes and no. The first paragraph was all nice-nice, and congrats, you guys look so happy, what a lucky man he is...the second paragraph was where I got the "You'll always have a place in my heart, and if there's EVER anything I can do for you, know that I'll always be there...", and "if I ever bump into you we can have a drink"...blah blah blah. That's just him making sure he keeps all his doors and windows open, just in case.
> 
> Luckily I'm smart enough (now, at least...wasn't always!) to recognize this. I politely thanked him for his congrats, but discouraged any further contact, Facebook, or otherwise. I then told my husband about it, just because I felt it was the right thing to do, and I'd expect him to be open with me, too.
> 
> EXES are trouble, no matter how long ago it was.




Amazingly, after the ex's letter on Facebook the other day, last night, while out with hubby at the put near our house, in walks Mr. X! And a damned good thing I had told Hubby about the contact, because Mr. X came over and dropped several hints alluding to the fact that there had been an exchange between the two of us. I wonder, was he trying to drop me in it, hoping that I'd kept this from my husband??? I'm a little smarter than that, at this point in my life.


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## Kobo

CandieGirl said:


> Amazingly, after the ex's letter on Facebook the other day, last night, while out with hubby at the put near our house, in walks Mr. X! And a damned good thing I had told Hubby about the contact, because Mr. X came over and dropped several hints alluding to the fact that there had been an exchange between the two of us. I wonder, was he trying to drop me in it, hoping that I'd kept this from my husband??? I'm a little smarter than that, at this point in my life.



Yes he was. What a clown.


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## Unsure in Seattle

CandieGirl said:


> Amazingly, after the ex's letter on Facebook the other day, last night, while out with hubby at the put near our house, in walks Mr. X! And a damned good thing I had told Hubby about the contact, because Mr. X came over and dropped several hints alluding to the fact that there had been an exchange between the two of us. I wonder, was he trying to drop me in it, hoping that I'd kept this from my husband??? I'm a little smarter than that, at this point in my life.


!!!

Sounds like he was deliberately trying to provoke SOMETHING- not sure what the gain would be there.

What a ****.


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## WhereAmI

Unsure in Seattle said:


> !!!
> 
> Sounds like he was deliberately trying to provoke SOMETHING- not sure what the gain would be there.


"Can you believe how upset your husband was about a few messages? Is he always this controlling?!? I could never treat a woman that way." 

Aaaaand the seed is planted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

CandieGirl said:


> Amazingly, after the ex's letter on Facebook the other day, last night, while out with hubby at the put near our house, in walks Mr. X! And a damned good thing I had told Hubby about the contact, because Mr. X came over and dropped several hints alluding to the fact that there had been an exchange between the two of us. I wonder, was he trying to drop me in it, hoping that I'd kept this from my husband??? I'm a little smarter than that, at this point in my life.


Yes. Chaulk one up for transparency. You could have easily just not answered him and not told your hubby. BUT this shows how good that was. He was trying to stir up some problems.


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## Entropy3000

WhereAmI said:


> "Can you believe how upset your husband was about a few messages? Is he always this controlling?!? I could never treat a woman that way."
> 
> Aaaaand the seed is planted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. That is how it goes.


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## F-102

CandieGirl said:


> Amazingly, after the ex's letter on Facebook the other day, last night, while out with hubby at the put near our house, in walks Mr. X! And a damned good thing I had told Hubby about the contact, because Mr. X came over and dropped several hints alluding to the fact that there had been an exchange between the two of us. I wonder, was he trying to drop me in it, hoping that I'd kept this from my husband??? I'm a little smarter than that, at this point in my life.


Can you imagine the conversation with H if you HADN"T told him? My first question to my W would be "And when were you going to tell me of this little "chat"?"


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## KJ5000

I'm always amazed that so many people who supposedly want a happy marriage don't see that a close relationship with an Ex is inappropriate and disrespectful to your spouse. 

Put a stop to this before it becomes an EA.
If she pull the "you're controlling" card, you may have to let her know that future contact with Mr X could jeopardize the relationship.


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## krismimo

WOW!! I agree with Rose in some ways and I agree with others in some ways, but.... My thing is I can't jump on the bandwagon about people I don't even know about, I can't really take a side when I don't know him or her. I'm trying to stay biased as I can be when I say this, but I know for a fact jealously also has a dark side, sometimes we can see things that aren't really there, we do things or think people are doing things that are not happening. 

I'm not trying to be mean but ya dont know this man or this woman how you know he is telling the "truth" all we go by is what people tell us and how truly naive we can be sometimes to just be so quick to jump on a side offer suggestions that can possibly harm/help a marriage. All I'm saying is because he admited that he has jealously issues it is hard to determine if his wife is truly behaving out of conduct or the jealousy is taking too much of a toll? I'am not saying her behavior is acceptable but playing devils advocate here, How do we really know that they are both playing fair??? Don't get me wrong I'm not saying she is right, and I'm not saying that he is wrong for how he feels either but I think You should tread lighlty and figure out what is going on but please take everyones advice here as a grain of salt. 

People are so quick to put on tracking devices, Voice recorders, DNA lab results, Taps, GPS, Etc wait I feel like I'm talking about a bad BOND movie or the CIA. Talk to her first is he still being adamant about the friendship then you can say ok so what is good for you is good for me, so for example : If you have a guy friend that you talk to all the time about sports etc etc than it is ok for "me" to have a female friend. (Not Saying you actually do it, but somtimes when you switch the perspective some people get it some don't) but her reaction and her answer is what your looking for. Good luck hopefully everything will turn out great in the end.


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## TimeHeals

krismimo said:


> Talk to her first is he still being adamant about the friendship then you can say ok so what is good for you is good for me, so for example : If you have a guy friend that you talk to all the time about sports etc etc than it is ok for "me" to have a female friend.



Doesn't work for me. It's about values and boundaries and what I am willing to put up with in *my* life.

If it's more important for her to maintain an relationship with an ex than have good boundaries to protect her marriage, then that will eventually lead to trouble most likely, so why allow that in your life?

You can't stop her from seeing this guy, but you don't have to allow her to be part of your life if that's what she does.

If it's that important to her, help her pack her bags.


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## CandieGirl

WhereAmI said:


> "Can you believe how upset your husband was about a few messages? Is he always this controlling?!? I could never treat a woman that way."
> 
> Aaaaand the seed is planted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe I missed something here...my husband was not upset in the least, because I told the truth. However, the scene could have played out very differently had I kept this from him.

Except for the X and his hints about the 2 of us, an unpleasant and awkward situation was averted, simply because I chose to be honest.

10 points for me!:smthumbup:


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## CandieGirl

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes. Chaulk one up for transparency. You could have easily just not answered him and not told your hubby. BUT this shows how good that was. He was trying to stir up some problems.


Oh absolutely! Not only that, but when he realized that I wasn't trying to skirt the issue, he began to allude to our past..as in "Oh well YOU would know/remember about such and such", blah blah blah. Again, with no reaction, he was left looking like an idiot.


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## WhereAmI

CandieGirl said:


> Maybe I missed something here...my husband was not upset in the least, because I told the truth. However, the scene could have played out very differently had I kept this from him.
> 
> Except for the X and his hints about the 2 of us, an unpleasant and awkward situation was averted, simply because I chose to be honest.
> 
> 10 points for me!:smthumbup:


I was replying to someone who was questioning what this man's motivations were. He was counting on you not telling your husband when he brought up your previous conversation.

10 points for sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl

KJ5000 said:


> I'm always amazed that so many people who supposedly want a happy marriage don't see that a close relationship with an Ex is inappropriate and disrespectful to your spouse.
> 
> Put a stop to this before it becomes an EA.
> If she pull the "you're controlling" card, you may have to let her know that future contact with Mr X could jeopardize the relationship.


Answer:

"Yes, I AM controlling. I am controlling the destiny of this marriage!"

not a darned thing wrong with that !


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## tacoma

Kobo said:


> 130 texts in 2 weeks says its more than football. My wife hasn't cheated on me and I 100% agree with F-102


Ditto, mine hasn`t strayed either and there`s no way I`m allowing this kind of contact with an Ex.

I`m not allowing any contact beyond the incidental with an Ex.

It just isn`t happening.


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## CandieGirl

WhereAmI said:


> I was replying to someone who was questioning what this man's motivations were. He was counting on you not telling your husband when he brought up your previous conversation.
> 
> 10 points for sure!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now I get it


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