# she cheated, i had a revenge affair, where do I go from here?



## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Hi, i've been reading the forums for a few weeks now. And now i'm ready to make my first post. 

I guess i should start off with some information about my wife and I. We're both 28, no kids, married for 3 years, together for 10, known eachother for 14. We started dating right after high school. During our relationship we've always shown eachother love, respect and affection. It was like we never got out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. That all changed 13 months ago. 

Every Tuesday night i would go out for a boys night out. Normally just to each others' house for beer, poker, movie or sports. I would always be home by 11pm because i knew my loving caring wife would be waiting for me. Well one night she said she was invited to go out with her coworkers. I told her to have fun and joked that i would be the one waiting for her to come home drunk this time. 

I got home that night alittle before 11 and texted her to let her know. She came home not to long after with tears in her eyes and i knew something was wrong. She kept saying she was sorry and she loved me but wouldn't tell me what was wrong. After pressing the issue some more it finally came out. She cheated on me with her one of her coworkers. 

She claims she had to much to drink and ended up in the backseat of her car with him going down on her. When he tried to have sex with her thats when she snapped out of her drunken stupor and pushed him off. After that she came home. She swears that they didn't have sex. I didn't believe her story at the time and i'm not sure if still do. 

I barraged her with questions of how and why she would do this to me, to us and our future. Each time she responded with she didn't know what she was thinking or she was sorry. Each time i kept getting angrier and angrier. Until i snapped and hit her. I then grabbed her hand and forcefully removed her ring. And in the process broke 2 of her fingers and caused her to wet herself, which i wouldn't find out about until later. Before this i would of never harm my wife but i just had my world completely turned upside down. I left the house and went to stay at my best friend's house. 

I couldn't sleep that night and stayed up crying with murderous and suicidal thoughts. I ignored every text and call my wife made until i my phone died. In the morning I was overcame by more anger and rage. I charged my phone called in personal time at work and started emailing and calling all our friends and family. In my mind she was having a full blown affair, didn't love me and wanted to leave me so thats what i told everyone. Next i informed her boss, who is the gay partner of my uncle, and got them both fired. Then i looked up the OMW on fb and sent her msg. It felt good to out her but i wish my facts where straight and my mind/mouth didn't run wild. I didn't know what to believe anymore and i just assumed the worse. 

I stayed at my friend's house for a few nights with other friends and family dropping by to show their support for me. Everyone couldn't believe my wife would do such a thing and they instantly cut her off. Some, like my younger sister, even called my wife and left nasty msgs. I told them I would handle my wife and i didn't want them get involved. 

When i returned home my wife was in bed, and looked like she had not eaten, slept or left the bed in days. I was only gone for 3 days. She cried and tried to speak to me when she saw me but i told her i didn't want to talk to her until she got a STD test. Thats when i noticed her hand, and i knew i had gone to far. I didn't apologize but i told her i would go with her to the hospital for her test and they could fix her hand too. 

The days waiting for the test results where stressful. She didn't have a job or friends anymore. Her parents were disappointed to say the least and my family hated her. I avoided her and slept in the guess room. When the tests came back clean i told her we could start talking. She kept to her story that they didn't have sex and would do anything to make this marriage work. 

We sought out a MC and ICs. She knew what she had done changed me and i would need help controling my anger. So we started attending every week sessions. They were hard and painful and at times it seemed like i couldn't let go of the bitterness and resentment. During this time i had been talking to my wife's best friend for insight on how she could hurt me so much. The 3 of us all knew each other from high school and she was the bride's maid at our wedding. She was disgusted by my wife's action and lost all respect for her. They didn't speak after DDay. 

2 months into R and counseling the OW and I found ourselves having feelings for the one another and acted on them. I was still having issues and my mind was still running wild. I thought of myself as the plan b to my wife and blamed myself for alot of things. It didn't help that my wife and i weren't having sex. That took a huge blow to my ego, before this we were having sex 3-5 times a day. I didn't want to make it seem like i would leave her if she didn't have sex with me. And she didn't initiate which made me think she wanted the OM. 

The OW made me feel loved and she showed that she cared for me in a way that my wife didn't. Just because my wife willingly told me what happend that night and gave me her phone/internet pw doesn't mean she loves me. To me it meant she was feeling guilty. There was nothing she did at the time that didn't make me second guess it. Was she staying out of pity/guilt or cause she loved me. 

We carried on our affair up until 2 weeks ago. By then my marriage was doing great and my issues were solved for the most part. But why am i still seeing the OW? I just couldn't let go of OW. I'd grown too attached. I couldn't leave my wife either because we're finally back in a loving relationship. 

Wife and I went to dinner 2 weeks ago and i ran into OM there. As soon as i saw him i told my wife we had to leave. On the drive home she apologized for hurting me and putting me through this. And said if our marriage was going to work that i had to move on, and thats when i lost it. I told her everything about my affair, and how it wasn't her or the counseling that made it better, it was another women. 

She assured me that we could work this out and that she would forgive me if i truly wanted this marriage to work. I told her i wasn't sure what i wanted anymore and that i wanted to get separated so i could figure it all out. She agreed to give me space as long as i wasn't seeing OW. 

Wife has been staying at our parents for 2 weeks, and i haven't broken up with OW but i'm not seeing her either. I told OW that i need space from her too so i could come to a decision by myself on who i wanted to be with. Both women are hurt by my actions but don't want to give me up. My wife has threaten to expose OW like i did to her. 

I don't know what to do. Somedays i think it would be easier to start over with OW. Maybe its the fog talking i can't be so sure now. 

I know both women don't deserve what i'm putting them through but i can't see my life without either one. I even thought about having a poly relationship but that would just add more fuel to the fire. So where do i go from here? I start my new IC next week. I hope someone here can give me some sound advice in the meantime.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I realized this thread will be bias. It was never my intent and i will try to have a open mind when posting. Also my first post took me hours to write since its such an emotional topic for me and i had to stop a few times. I will read and respond to as many replies as i can but just writing and rereading all this has left me drained.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should divorce your wife. It appears that for you, the marriage ended when she cheated.

Your current affair is a safe place for you and it allows you to strike back at your wife and hurt her.

That says to me that you've fallen out of love with her, otherwise you would be stricken with remorse for your own affair.

Just divorce her, and dump the OW. That's not a relationship, it's her taking advantage to move in on you, and you using her to hurt your wife.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You seem to be pretty clear on the wrongs that your wife has done, but seem to be justified in what you have done. I get the impression that you feel entitled to have an affair, as if it was therapy. Additionally, your physical abuse of your wife is a deplorable as well as criminal action. There is never a reason for you to have done that, I don't care what she has done.

It is hard to tell from one posting, but there seems to be some anger-management issues that need addressed. Also you need to spend the next 30 days to decide what you want to do. My advise is to end one relationship before you start another with anybody. Additionally, the OW....if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You started thinking with your little head rather than your big head and made matters worse. Two wrongs don't make a right and I know how angry you were but you broke her fingers to get the ring off her hand. Chances are if you would have asked, she would have given it back.

Right now your still not thinking with your big head by still seeing the OMW. You want to see her? Fine, do it, but have the common decency to get a divorce. There's no way you can keep up this juggling act and find a clear mind. End it with your wife or patch it up with her but your making yourself look real bad playing one against the other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

One night stand v long term affair?

Is yours a revenge affair? *I don't think so*. Yes, I have personal knowledge of a revenge affair, mine, so I do have -sadly- some expertise in this.

You need to be honest with us, your wife, OW and with yourself.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Shaggy:
I never wanted to hurt my wife. I know how stupid that sounds but i didn't have an affair with the intent to hurt her or get even. And i never blamed my affair on her infidelity. My affair started because i was lonely, lack of communication and as a way to feel good about myself. It continued because i was selfish. I feel remorse at putting her through so much and being a hypocrite in the end. 

VFW:
I don't know if it was therapeutically helping but the affair did make me forget about my problems while i was with OW. If anything it was addictive like a drug. 
After Dday 1, i went to IC for anger mangement. I know what i did was wrong and i can never make it right. I can only fix myself so that it never happens again. I'm also not sure if you can put down a time limit on my decision. When i start my new IC next week it will already be 19 days since our separation. 

6301:
I'm was not seeing the OMW, i was seeing my wife's best friend. At the moment only her family and my family knows why we're separated. I wish i had the courage to tell everyone so they could judge me and snap me back to reality. 

MattMatt:
I thought RA was just the term used around here. 
Its hard for me to be honest with anyone since i'm unsure of what i want.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, your ow makes you feel loved, but does she actually know you? Does she know that if she p$sses you off you might break her arm? Since you really don't seem to feel bad about breaking her fingers, at least not bad enough to apologize for it, that leads me to believe that you think she deserved it. .It really says a lot about you though; get help for your anger now before you do more physical damage. .And dump the ow, right you're both on your best behavior, but that will change eventually and if you're going to get violent when someone does something crappy you're going to end up in jail. Eventually someone will get on this thread and say " well she should have kept her legs closed", because some men do seem to feel that way, but that's not going to end well for you. .Dump the ow, who is nothing but trash that dates married men, separate from your wife, get anger help, and give some thought to what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*"At the moment only her family and my family knows why we're separated."*

Do they just know about her one time allowing OM to perform oral sex on her or do they know about your decision to have a Full sex affair with her Best Friend and continue it. Plus be violent to her breaking her fingers?? 

As a Father I would be upset with my daughter for her 1 time cheat which she confessed immediately to!!! But if a man(husband/boyfriend) laid a hand on my daughter let alone broke her fingers and then had an affair with her best friend.....I would be going to jail but so would you. 

No matter how much you profess to love your wife considering no children both of you need to separate and take a deep look at yourselves---especially you!!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't even know where to start. You drug your wife through the mud and it took you how long to man up and admit what you did. 

Have you been checked for stds? You had no right to risk your wife's health or to pretend to be working on the marriage. 

Dump ow ASAP. You used her to feel good about yourself and that's it. 

Decide if your marriage is worth saving. If yes come clean about everything to your wife and end the separation. Do not leave her hanging in limbo. 

Send her here as well. 

Do not touch a woman in anger again. No excuse for that. They tend to be smaller than males and get hurt easier as you found out. 

Also man your a$$ up and expose yourself just like you did her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

tainted said:


> Hi, i've been reading the forums for a few weeks now. And now i'm ready to make my first post.
> 
> I guess i should start off with some information about my wife and I. We're both 28, no kids, married for 3 years, together for 10, known eachother for 14. We started dating right after high school. During our relationship we've always shown eachother love, respect and affection. It was like we never got out of the honeymoon phase of our relationship. That all changed 13 months ago.
> 
> ...


Break up with the other woman AND your wife. You're young with no kids. The world is your oyster.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tainted said:


> Shaggy:
> I never wanted to hurt my wife. I know how stupid that sounds but i didn't have an affair with the intent to hurt her or get even. And i never blamed my affair on her infidelity. My affair started because i was lonely, lack of communication and as a way to feel good about myself. It continued because i was selfish. I feel remorse at putting her through so much and being a hypocrite in the end.
> 
> VFW:
> ...


Oh, it is. But you have gone way beyond a revenge affair, in my opinion.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have overdone it.

Your wife is devastated. She's going to be losing her husband and her best friend. She'll experience betrayal so deep that it'll take her years to recover.

When you broke her fingers, took back the ring, exposed her to everyone, she stayed. She was working on reconciliation with you which you accepted. But she was doing it without the full knowledge of your actions.

You need to work on yourself to become a better person.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Oh sh!t! Your wife's best friend? My bad Thought it was OMW. Your bad. Your wife's best friend. My God man you go from the frying pan to the fire. 

You got some "splaining" to do. How you thought that would help is beyond me. Well now you have the courage and told everyone except the one person who needs to know and if you read these threads, your being judged and when you decide to get back into reality, your going to really hate yourself. You went far and beyond getting back at your wife and maybe the tumble with her best friend but I'll bet your not feeling real hip now. 

What your wife did was wrong and not only does she know it but all of us do too. She may forgive you and you may forgive her but when you slip that ring on her finger and look at her hand, your going to have to live with that every day. I wish you luck


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Personally, I've got no sympathy for you. You hit a woman and broke her hand. I have very little tolerance for guys that hit girls. And I don't give a sh*t how hurt and upset you were. What would have hurt worse for a woman is if you would have gotten up and left without saying a word or doing anything else.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I feel like everyone is focusing too much on me breaking her fingers. Friends and family know about it and i posted it here to show how bad our relationship got. I'm not proud of it and i eventually apologized for it. Even got her a new ring this anniversary, too bad it was tainted by my affair. I didn't share this to brag about hurting my wife and i have taken huge steps to fix my anger issues. Before Dday i never harmed anyone, physical or emotional, and its out of character for me. I admit it was me who hurt my wife but its not the person i want to be. 

I haven't really spoken to my wife in 2 weeks but i speak to my inlaws. They keep me informed about my wife and are hoping we can work this out. OW texted me a few times but i continue to tell her that i need time and distance. She probably feels like i used her and now i'm dumping her. But thats not true, the time we spent together meant something to me. Thats why its so hard for me to let go. My marriage means alot to me and when i look back its filled with all good memories. Which makes my wife's infidelity harder for me to accept. 

I've been reading up more and some would call this an exit affair. But i don't want to exit. I'm not sure I can stay either. I hate that i left 2 amazing women in limbo waiting for me. I hate breaking my wedding vows and hurting someone who would sacrifice the world for me. I hate dragging another person into this mess. I hate who i've become.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I need and want advice. I'm not entitled to it but please help me out. Even harsh replies are wanted.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seriously, your marriage is over. It's been gone since d day1. Everything since is just moving deck chairs on the titanic. Neither of you is marriage material. You're both cheaters.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Seriously, your marriage is over. It's been gone since d day1. Everything since is just moving deck chairs on the titanic. Neither of you is marriage material. You're both cheaters.


By that logic most of the marriages here would be over. I know every situation and person is different but we're all here for a small chance of hope or redemption.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not you. You should read your thread.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

1. Repent. 
2. Confess to your wife. 
3. File for divorce. 
4. Dump the other woman. 
5. Learn to differentiate between right and wrong.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Tainted, the reason people have focused on the physical abuse is because it is a big deal and has to be dealt with first. While I trust that this is out of character for you, it is something that your wife will never forget. The other item that you have down played is the duration of the indiscretion. She did a bad thing and immediately confessed. You have continued this behavior over an extended period of time. Additionally, you still continue to put the OW on a pedestal. 

The relationship with the OW is as much fantasy as reality. You and the OW only get to see each other at your best, you don't have bills to pay, houses to clean, or any of the distraction of life. While she seems like a wonderful person now, if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. I also want to ask if your relationship has been exposed to friends and your family? I assume that her family knows of the infidelity on both sides, do they know of the physical abuse?

I confess that the only information that I know is what you have provided, so I don't profess to have any special knowledge. However, I think that while your wife did a bad thing in cheating, I think that with counseling and time that this marriage can be saved. Her cheating was not better or worse, it was wrong, just as your cheating was wrong. You are understandably raw with emotions right now and this can create a rough roller-coaster to ride.

You and your wife made a commitment to one another to love, honor and cherish each other, to forsake all others, through better or worse. I bet down deep you truly believe in this philosophy. My advice is for you to recommit yourself to this belief, forsake the OW, get into MC with your wife and work towards repairing this marriage. End one relationship before starting another.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I hate to break it to you but a woman who will sleep with her best friends husband is not a amazing woman.
The fact you broke 2 your wife's fingers and didn't even apologize for is f*cked up.
But it sounds from what you have done is more annihilation than revenge.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

OP sorry but you're an hypocrite.
You had all my sympathy until reading that you hit her and broke her fingers. If I were her, I would have called the cops, filed a restriction order and divorce you in light speed.
Adultery is no justification for physical abuse. Ever!

As other mentioned, you can't even compare a ONS with a stranger with a full blown affair with HER BEST FRIEND. How despicable ! 
And what an hypocrisy, the OW lost all respect for your wife, but she didn't lost all respect for herself and for you ? As what you did is much worse ? This makes me sick. I don't know why your wife still hangs on to you, abusive physically and emotionally as you are.

Again like someone else mentioned, man up, find some decency and expose yourself like you exposed your wife. To both families, your boss if the case, and the OWH. But I doubt you have the guts, because when it comes to you, things are so different, right?

Thankfully you don't have kids, cause honestly...I don't see much of a marriage left here.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

tainted said:


> By that logic most of the marriages here would be over. I know every situation and person is different but we're all here for a small chance of hope or redemption.


If you want redemption, confess. Expose yourself and admit to everyone involved. Dump the mistress. Next step IC, MC, and very importantly, anger management therapy. I don't think you fully realize the gravity of your violence act.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The cheating pales into insignificance compared with the physical violence. I would advise you to take a long look at that first before you go near any women. What you did is considered a serious crime in most countries. 

Then there is the sustained and unremorseful affair with her scummy best friend. While she may have had an affair, you have taken spousal abuse to a whole new level. My advise is to recognise your real problems and seek real help for them.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Breaking your wife's fingers is more important than adultery. Adultery is not a crime, assault is. Start by apologizing for the violence. Volunteer to plead guilty if she wants to make a complaint. That should be the start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tainted said:


> By that logic most of the marriages here would be over. I know every situation and person is different but we're all here for a small chance of hope or redemption.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hang in there Tainted! I have some good advice in support of your marriage. I am at work and don't have time to make a full reply. Based on your info, I would say you have an exceptional wife and used to have an exceptional marriage. I don't believe you are a regular abuser. You did not realize what you had done to her fingers until later
When you hit her, was it a slap or a closed fist? That is the most possible clue as to your intent. You do have a problem however, and your wifes infidelity exposed it, you are capable of hurting someone fairly seriously when something traumatic happens to you. To the extent that you could brake your wife's fingers in a rage without realizing it. Your wife was dead inside for her betrayal of you. She was decimated when you came back and found her. She did not even get medical attention for Gods sake!!!! Her only thoughts were of what she had done to you! If you are able to disengage from the inappropriate bond you have formed with OW, you might realize what a true gift you have in her, and what a true AZZ you have been in all of this! You took a bad situation and unfortunately used it as an opportunity to wreak havoc and nearly destroy a pretty good life. Your wife allowed something pretty bad to happen, but stopped ( get a polygraph ) and came right home to you broken about what she had done. She is far from perfect, but I dare say you may be less than her. I hope the best for you, and I hope you are intelligent enough to realize what a precious gift you have and that you have actually done more harm than your wife. She struck first, with a slap, then weeping apologized, you responded by pulling out a gun and shooting, so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Hang in there Tainted! I have some good advice in support of your marriage. I am at work and don't have time to make a full reply. Based on your info, I would say you have an exceptional wife and used to have an exceptional marriage. I don't believe you are a regular abuser. You did not realize what you had done to her fingers until later
> When you hit her, was it a slap or a closed fist? That is the most possible clue as to your intent. You do have a problem however, and your wifes infidelity exposed it, you are capable of hurting someone fairly seriously when something traumatic happens to you. To the extent that you could brake your wife's fingers in a rage without realizing it. Your wife was dead inside for her betrayal of you. She was decimated when you came back and found her. She did not even get medical attention for Gods sake!!!! Her only thoughts were of what she had done to you! If you are able to disengage from the inappropriate bond you have formed with OW, you might realize what a true gift you have in her, and what a true AZZ you have been in all of this! You took a bad situation and unfortunately used it as an opportunity to wreak havoc and nearly destroy a pretty good life. Your wife allowed something pretty bad to happen, but stopped ( get a polygraph ) and came right home to you broken about what she had done. She is far from perfect, but I dare say you may be less than her. I hope the best for you, and I hope you are intelligent enough to realize what a precious gift you have and that you have actually done more harm than your wife. She struck first, with a slap, then weeping apologized, you responded by pulling out a gun and shooting, so to speak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't agree with the statement that she is a true gift. Now in reality, both are wrong and both are carrying around a ton of guilt. What good is a gift if it's nothing more then a decorated box with fancy ribbons and bows and on the inside is a pile of crap? She cheated and I don't care if it was the OM performing oral on her. It's still cheating. He, on the other hand gets violent and ups the ante and screws her best friend and now feels bad for his act of violence and affair and is now feeling remorse and guilt. Is he a gift too? Neither one of them are. Right now it's two dysfunctional people in a rotten situation and if there is any kind of R, they both need some serious IC and MC. Honestly I can't see how this can survive.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, your ow makes you feel loved, but does she actually know you? Does she know that if she p$sses you off you might break her arm? Since you really don't seem to feel bad about breaking her fingers, at least not bad enough to apologize for it, that leads me to believe that you think she deserved it. .It really says a lot about you though; get help for your anger now before you do more physical damage. .And dump the ow, right you're both on your best behavior, but that will change eventually and if you're going to get violent when someone does something crappy you're going to end up in jail. *Eventually someone will get on this thread and say " well she should have kept her legs closed", because some men do seem to feel that way*, but that's not going to end well for you. .Dump the ow, who is nothing but trash that dates married men, separate from your wife, get anger help, and give some thought to what you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well let me step up and say it then: *She should have kept her legs closed.

*Everything that happened here, _EVERYTHING_, is a result of her spreading her legs for the OM. Everything. If she had been faithful he would not have hit her and broken her fingers, her friend would have stayed her friend and he would not have cheated with her.

This doesn't excuse the OP getting violent with her. It doesn't excuse the OP having an affair with her former friend. The OP should have gone to jail for battery, no question in my mind. But her spreading her legs for the other man is the reason it all happened.

Your comment exposed your misandry.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Extreme.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> OP sorry but you're an hypocrite.
> You had all my sympathy until reading that you hit her and broke her fingers. If I were her, I would have called the cops, filed a restriction order and divorce you in light speed.
> Adultery is no justification for physical abuse. Ever!
> 
> ...





Agree wholeheartedly with this.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Well let me step up and say it then: *She should have kept her legs closed.
> 
> *Everything that happened here, _EVERYTHING_, is a result of her spreading her legs for the OM. Everything. If she had been faithful he would not have hit her and broken her fingers, her friend would have stayed her friend and he would not have cheated with her.
> 
> ...


Isn't the commonly espoused statement here that the betrayed is NOT responsible for the behavior of the wayward? Or is that only true if the betrayed has never done anything wrong in the relationship? Not to my recollection from the hundreds of threads I've read here. See, that's called justifying/rationalizing. Just like any other wayward, he could have chosen not to cheat, to talk openly with her. He could also have chosen to remove himself from her presence before becoming physically violent.

All waywards are responsible for the pain their affair inflicts on the betrayed. But ultimately, they are NOT responsible for how the betrayed chooses to handle that pain. And NO ONE deserves to be cheated on or has somehow caused that, regardless of past actions. There are ALWAYS other choices available.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> And NO ONE deserves to be cheated on or has somehow caused that, regardless of past actions. There are ALWAYS other choices available.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah ... well ... I'm going to strongly disagree with this. I believe that the only way a WS will truly understand the pain that they caused their BS is a revenge affair, disclosed at the right time. Payback is certainly a b*tch. This is when the remorse of the WS is truly tested.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Yeah ... well ... I'm going to strongly disagree with this. I believe that the only way a WS will truly understand the pain that they caused their BS is a revenge affair, disclosed at the right time. Payback is certainly a b*tch. This is when the remorse of the WS is truly tested.


I don't think a wayward will truly understand the pain they caused from a revenge affair, because a truly remorseful wayward will always accept the blame for that due to their affair - it will never be the same as being blindsided as an innocent party.

But again - if people truly recognize that cheating is a choice, there is NO WAY that anyone is responsible for the choices of another. To place blame on ANY previous factors is called out immediately if the betrayed has not cheated in the past, even if they were emotionally abusive, absent, sexually withdrawn, whatever. Over and over we are told that the wayward COULD and SHOULD have made a different choice.

It's all apples here, IMO. She cheated and so did he. No oranges in sight.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> Isn't the commonly espoused statement here that the betrayed is NOT responsible for the behavior of the wayward? Or is that only true if the betrayed has never done anything wrong in the relationship? Not to my recollection from the hundreds of threads I've read here. See, that's called justifying/rationalizing. Just like any other wayward, he could have chosen not to cheat, to talk openly with her. He could also have chosen to remove himself from her presence before becoming physically violent.
> 
> All waywards are responsible for the pain their affair inflicts on the betrayed. But ultimately, they are NOT responsible for how the betrayed chooses to handle that pain. And NO ONE deserves to be cheated on or has somehow caused that, regardless of past actions. There are ALWAYS other choices available.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:I'm confused. Are you aware that she cheated first, he battered her during the confrontation then started an affair with her former best friend?

This is a bad one. There's no one involved with this that I'm comfortable supporting.  All three of them should split up and get psychiatric help.

I don't consider this a revenge affair. Everyone involved here is guilty of cheating. WW started it but she actually is the most sympathetic of the three. A one time occurrence that was confessed immediately with real remorse is not as bad as what the OP did. She confessed the same night it happened. He cheated on her for a year, lying to her face the whole time. Married less than 2 years when the cheating started, no kids. Just divorce and seek help.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Yeah ... well ... I'm going to strongly disagree with this. I believe that the only way a WS will truly understand the pain that they caused their BS is a revenge affair, disclosed at the right time. Payback is certainly a b*tch. This is when the remorse of the WS is truly tested.


:iagree: Revenge affairs are a different type of affair. Is it always the best course of action - no. But a WS who gets cheated on is certainly not a sympathetic "victim". 

This case seems to be really murky however and there seems to be layers of unresolved hurt and anger. It is surely a mess for all parties involved.

Tainted - your biggest challenges lay within you. You need counseling to clear away the emotional garbage that has been clouding your mind. Whether you R or D - this is a necessary first step. You need to get to the bottom of why you are where you are before you can even think about having a relationship with your wife or any other women....Your behavior has been so self-destructive - why do you think that is? You need to ask yourself this question...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

pretty sure this is a social experiment going on, along with missbrandy's post


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> pretty sure this is a social experiment going on, along with missbrandy's post


Do you mean trolls?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude why do you want to be with a chick that sleeps with a married man?

Something tells me your new chick is guestionable to say the least.

My take is you stick it out with your old lady...some thing tells me she won't get eaten out by a coworker again....hell something tells me she learned her lesson.


I think you have a better chance with your old lady not cheaten on you (again) rather then your new chick.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> Yeah ... well ... I'm going to strongly disagree with this. I believe that the only way a WS will truly understand the pain that they caused their BS is a revenge affair, disclosed at the right time. Payback is certainly a b*tch. This is when the remorse of the WS is truly tested.


I disagree.
My thinking is once the 1st wayward cheats and then the betrayed then goes and cheats the 1st wayward may be in some pain but the degree is less due to the fact that there is someunderstanding in why the cheated.

Think about it, you are loyal and true then you get screwed over...now thats phucking pain. but if you screwed around and then you spouse screws around well I just think the pain would be a lot less sever now that both spouse are screw ups.

HEY, WERE'S MATTMATT ON THIS ONE?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> I disagree.
> My thinking is once the 1st wayward cheats and then the betrayed then goes and cheats the 1st wayward may be in some pain but the degree is less due to the fact that there is someunderstanding in why the cheated.
> 
> Think about it, you are loyal and true then you get screwed over...now thats phucking pain. but if you screwed around and then you spouse screws around well I just think the pain would be a lot less sever now that both spouse are screw ups.
> ...


I think this is true in some cases not all of them...but you make a good point...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mrs_Mathias said:


> it will never be the same as being blindsided as an innocent party.


You're probably right, but I'm willing to bet it comes close.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

the guy said:


> I disagree.
> My thinking is once the 1st wayward cheats and then the betrayed then goes and cheats the 1st wayward may be in some pain but the degree is less due to the fact that there is someunderstanding in why the cheated.


I will always, always, always advise a BS that a revenge affair is one of their options, especially if they plan on staying in the marriage, to somewhat level the playing field, gain back some level of fairness and get even a little. I know if it were me I'd have to get even in some way or another. Not a popular position here, I know that, but it's a valid one. It's also not for everyone, but I know that I would require it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

6301 said:


> I don't agree with the statement that she is a true gift. Now in reality, both are wrong and both are carrying around a ton of guilt. What good is a gift if it's nothing more then a decorated box with fancy ribbons and bows and on the inside is a pile of crap? She cheated and I don't care if it was the OM performing oral on her. It's still cheating. He, on the other hand gets violent and ups the ante and screws her best friend and now feels bad for his act of violence and affair and is now feeling remorse and guilt. Is he a gift too? Neither one of them are. Right now it's two dysfunctional people in a rotten situation and if there is any kind of R, they both need some serious IC and MC. Honestly I can't see how this can survive.


I stand corrected. She currently is not a gift. I believe she could be with some work . As for if it can work between them..... it depends on their ability to take a hard look at themselves and change the trashy attributes they find. Very hard but not impossible. I have personally seen two people in a worse situation pull through and they have a wonderful marriage now 6 Years past D-Day2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> pretty sure this is a social experiment going on, along with missbrandy's post


Good question
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> pretty sure this is a social experiment going on, along with missbrandy's post


Originally I took this at face value, but am rethinking that after reading both threads again. 

If this is legit. You need serious help, you broke her fingers and don't see it as a big deal.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

VFW said:


> Tainted, the reason people have focused on the physical abuse is because it is a big deal and has to be dealt with first. While I trust that this is out of character for you, it is something that your wife will never forget. The other item that you have down played is the duration of the indiscretion. She did a bad thing and immediately confessed. You have continued this behavior over an extended period of time. Additionally, you still continue to put the OW on a pedestal.
> 
> The relationship with the OW is as much fantasy as reality. You and the OW only get to see each other at your best, you don't have bills to pay, houses to clean, or any of the distraction of life. While she seems like a wonderful person now, if she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you. I also want to ask if your relationship has been exposed to friends and your family? I assume that her family knows of the infidelity on both sides, do they know of the physical abuse?
> 
> ...


Friends and family know about the abuse. Very few of them told me to get help for it. I believe they were in shock and surprised i could do that and it all become surreal to them. But it was real to me and i sought help for it. Before R and MC was on the table, I already knew I had to seek IC for this. W has forgiven me but i'll never forgive myself. I can only improve myself so it never happens again. 

Only our families know about my affair. I think my wife should be the one expose my affair. If i exposed myself, if would give me a chance to cast myself in a better light, i'm not saying i would do that thought, but the possibility is there. If W wanted we could to it together. 

You are absolutely right that i never see the bad side of OW. But she has seen me at my worse and she helped me through it. I know its wrong for me to say that and our affair didn't help my marriage at all. But before the EA/PA she was a shoulder i leaned on. Somewhere in between friend and lover, the lines got blurred and i gave in. 




ConanHub said:


> Hang in there Tainted! I have some good advice in support of your marriage. I am at work and don't have time to make a full reply. Based on your info, I would say you have an exceptional wife and used to have an exceptional marriage. I don't believe you are a regular abuser. You did not realize what you had done to her fingers until later
> When you hit her, was it a slap or a closed fist? That is the most possible clue as to your intent. You do have a problem however, and your wifes infidelity exposed it, you are capable of hurting someone fairly seriously when something traumatic happens to you. To the extent that you could brake your wife's fingers in a rage without realizing it. Your wife was dead inside for her betrayal of you. She was decimated when you came back and found her. She did not even get medical attention for Gods sake!!!! Her only thoughts were of what she had done to you! If you are able to disengage from the inappropriate bond you have formed with OW, you might realize what a true gift you have in her, and what a true AZZ you have been in all of this! You took a bad situation and unfortunately used it as an opportunity to wreak havoc and nearly destroy a pretty good life. Your wife allowed something pretty bad to happen, but stopped ( get a polygraph ) and came right home to you broken about what she had done. She is far from perfect, but I dare say you may be less than her. I hope the best for you, and I hope you are intelligent enough to realize what a precious gift you have and that you have actually done more harm than your wife. She struck first, with a slap, then weeping apologized, you responded by pulling out a gun and shooting, so to speak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was a slap but that doesn't make a difference. I'm 5'11 and 178. She is 5'6 120. I tower over her and any physical force by me is enough to cause major damage. 

I never thought about a polygraph test. After learning about TT i think this is a good idea. I would take one too. 



Nucking Futs said:


> Well let me step up and say it then: *She should have kept her legs closed.
> 
> *Everything that happened here, _EVERYTHING_, is a result of her spreading her legs for the OM. Everything. If she had been faithful he would not have hit her and broken her fingers, her friend would have stayed her friend and he would not have cheated with her.
> 
> ...


Your post made me call my wife. It went to voicemail. I had to make sure she understood this was not her fault and i didn't want her to see it that way. No response yet and i have to attend a furneral. I'll call again later to make sure she hears it.

This is the slim version of what i said.

Hey W

I just want to apologize for everything and to let you know this isn't your fault.
You're cheating may have been the starting point for our downhill slope but i never blamed MY actions on your behavior. I hope you see it that way too. 
I hit you because I was angry and hurt. It was caused by my own lack of self-control. I admitted to it and took responsibility for it.
My affair started because i was lonely, there was a lack of communication and as a way feel good about myself. 
Again this all happend because of my lack of self-control and me being selfish.
When you was giving your all to save the marriage, I was looking for a way to escape what my life had become. And i found it in another women. 
I'm sorry for everything. You don't deserve any of the pain i put you through and i'm thankful you still want to stay with me. 

I'm unsure of what i want or what to do next but i still love you. Please call me when you get this.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You sound like you are on your way to recovery, you can't get up until you realize you are down and you have done that here. This can be a tough crowd with some tough love. My only advise is that you make a decision and be honest with these women. Personally, I think your marriage deserves another chance. IF after earestly trying it doesn't work out, then pursue the OW. IF is the person you claim her to be, she will allow you this space.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

The OW is a piece of sh#t...don't kid yourself...she had an affair with a married man. She is no better than the douche your wife messed with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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