# My husband has left me and my two children for her!!!!!



## lisah (Aug 11, 2011)

I have been with my husband now for ten years, married for nearly eight. Four weeks ago i noticed my husband was clingy with his mobile so when i had the chance i checked it and found i string of messages from him to another girl.
In messages it said he loved her, and when i confronted him he said he did, but he still loved me!!!!
I gave him a choice and he chose her, he's practically living with her now, and has introduced her to his parents.

I am divorcing him, but i still love him and at the moment feel like i want him back. He's wanting us to get along for the sake of the kids, and everyone is saying i'm a fool as he has no intention of coming back. But how can someone walk out of their marriage for someone they've only being seeing two months???


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The fog of an affair can make people do stupid stupid things. Unfortunately it sounds like you pretty much did the text book thing to try to break a spouse out of an affair and that's to calmly show them the door. The risk is always that they take you up on it, which unfortunately he did. There is still a reasonable likely hood that as your D gets closer to finalized, the new falls off the affair, and the new reality starts to creep in that his head will magically remove itself from his a** and he'll want to reconcile with you. If that happens, you will have to decide at that time 1)if you have any interest in reconciliation at that point and 2)if you think he is genuine and doing all the things necessary to reconcile. Best of Luck - sorry that you're here.


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## lisah (Aug 11, 2011)

Thanks, well that's what i think has happened, i've pushed him into it, but he's so happy to carry on with her, he's talks about her to me as if he's seeking my approval!!!!
That she's so jealous of me, because i'm prettier than her, and that i've got what she's never going to have. 
I've been told she's very insecure and very self concious of herself, and that's why he's gone to her, because he wants to look after her
He's giving me all the excuses to why he's done it, he says he's not blaming me but he is!!!!!!!!!!!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm so sorry.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

As you have already taken the D step do not stop, go dark, ask someone who is supportinve of you to be the intermediary . You discuss finances and children through the intermediary , set up a children's schedule that suits you, if your children are old enough let them know what he has done and why he has left home , comfort them and reassure them that you love them and will keep them safe. Identify the OW to them she is not a nice person.

Your attorney should work with you and can write a clause on the decree prohibiting contact between the OW and your children. 

Do not communicate with him , his affair thrives on cake eating , the OW will not be able to satisfy his emotional needs and it is only pride, arrogance and stupidity on his side that will stop him for doing what is required to salvage your marriage. 

Do not cry, beg or plead . Go dark , no contact with him and for the D ensure you use adultery as the reason even of you reside in a state that does not allow you to it does allow supporting documentation to mention it and the OW's name. You cannot force him to return he has to learn the hard way.

Key messages for you, focus on yourself and your children, assume your marriage is over, do not contact him - go dark even if he calls to talk to you decline, communication is via an intermediary. Waywards hate it when the betrayed spouse goes dark , they lose control and have no idea what you are doing. Expose the affair to her family and friends, tell the truth, telling the truth prevents them from gaslighting you. Never accept any portion of the blame nor allow him to imply the marriage had issues and it is your fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisah (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm going through with everything, he told me he was shocked i've done everything so early, he keeps saying it's early days, but i'm not going to beg him to come back, he's doing the damage himself by going public, how on earth could we ever go back now????


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am so sorry.  I can sense your pain and betrayal feeling. Eli-zor was dead on. Do those things--- find YOUR power now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Lisah. A huge part of you wanting him back is because he rejected you.

In 1-2 years you will look back and wonder why the f you wanted to stay with someone who could disrespect you in such a manner and you will shake your head at your past self. 

Fact.

I know this is really difficult but you must move forward. You will prevail, life *will* go on, and you will come out better on the other side.

My advice is to not let him cake-eat. He's disrepected you horribly. Remove yoruself completely as an option. He can't have you while he's with her. That is a non-negotiable. Make that CRYSTAL clear to him. In fact, he can't have you at all. Convey that to him.

If he comes at you trying to be cute or being a d!ck, call him out on it and tell him you're not interested. At this point, only discuss legalities and co-parenting with him. If he brings up the OW, tell him you don't want to hear it and aren't interested and you wish them the best. This will mess with his head.

The less emotional you are, the better.

From this point forward, you need to treat him like you'd treat a co-worker: professional, calm, and unemotional. All business.

This will also mess with him. He is expecting you to be crying over him and laying in bed in a pool of tears. Don't. Prove him wrong. 

Go outside, get some sunshine, and buy yourself new shoes and a new lippy, smile at a hot guy. Be the best mom for your kids. They are going to be very confused right now so you must be a good role model for them--letting them know their mom doesn't back down from a fight and that she doesn't put up with any sh!t. They need you right now because he's shown he is very unstable and an a$$hole.

This is not surprising:



lisah said:


> That she's so jealous of me, because i'm prettier than her, and that i've got what she's never going to have.
> I've been told she's very insecure and very self concious of herself


She knows he is willing to walk out on his wife and children to be with someone else. The seed of doubt has been planted in her mind. If she was already insecure before this, this will rev it up 10x more. Oh sure she may seem like she needs to be cared for and is vulnerable NOW but what man do you know in the world who enjoys being with an insecure woman? No one, that's who. Eventually that insecurity will get really old really fast and then you can laugh when it crashes.  And the fact that he married you speaks volumes to her--she knows you have a history with him and he loved you enough to marry you so that also snowballs her insecurity into an avalanche. 

Focus on YOU YOU YOU and your kids.

Start doing 180s.

Read Mori's thread here and heed the advice:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The 180 mentioned above 

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

This gives you a good start , however you must go dark on him. There is always a chance to recover your marriage only if you have zero compromise and he fully commits to you in words and deeds. His staying with the OW means he thinks he can have her and you and the children, shatter that fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry about your marriage. It sounds like your husband is conflicted from his statements about you rushing toward divorce. I'm sure his fantasy involved hot sex from his girlfriend with you throwing yourself at his feet and offering to do anything if he'll stay. Maybe everyone could just get along and he could cake eat with the both of you for months or even years.

You are doing everything right by standing up for yourself and forcing him to choose one path. As for him blaming you, you probably share some blame for the state of your marriage prior to the affair. I'm assuming it wasn't a great marriage. However, the blame for the affair is totally on your husband. He could have changed his behavior, gone to counseling, or even initiated separation or divorce. Instead, he decided to do the worst thing possible in a marriage and cheat on you. Don't ever let him try to shift the blame for his affair onto you.

As for winning your husband back, you need to continue forcing reality upon him. And you can play some mind games of your own. As Eli suggested, go dark. He will immediately wonder where you are and what you are doing. Ironically, cheating spouses are often very insecure and jealous regarding the betrayed spouse.

Go out and do things for yourself. Let your husband believe you're dating, even if you aren't. You want to show that he needs you more than you need him. Read up on the 180 and run that check list.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

Finally, understand that the affair fog is about drugs. Specifically, dopamine. Your husband's brain is on a dopamine binge. It's the chemical your brain releases when you have a crush. It's why teenagers act so stupid when they're in love. It can turn a reasonable man into an idiot. That's not an excuse, it's just an explanation of what is going on. But dopamine doesn't last. Eventually, the high will wear off and reality crashes down. You're helping to speed that process up by refusing to play his game.

Good luck.


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## lisah (Aug 11, 2011)

Thankyou so much for all your comments, they have made me feel so much better, read the link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html, that is exactly what i've been doing and i think it is bothering as he's been telling people that i don't seem to care he's gone.

Phtlump, i know where my part is in this you're right it hasn't been great lately. He is saying he's not been happy for nearly two years, in the last two years, i've lost my dad to cancer and then gave birth to my gorgeous little boy, my husband started a new job which meant longer hours. I know i suffered depression after i lost my dad, and when i had my son i didn't give him the attention (obviously) that he needed, but he never sat me down and told me how bad things were for him.

But you're all right, one day he will realise what he's done and then it will be too late.................


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Many have and will point this out because its true! You are NOT at fault for your spouses affair. Marriage is 50/50 but having an affair is 100% on the wayward.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> As you have already taken the D step do not stop, go dark, ask someone who is supportinve of you to be the intermediary . You discuss finances and children through the intermediary , set up a children's schedule that suits you, if your children are old enough let them know what he has done and why he has left home , comfort them and reassure them that you love them and will keep them safe. Identify the OW to them she is not a nice person.
> 
> Your attorney should work with you and can write a clause on the decree prohibiting contact between the OW and your children.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree:
This may seem harsh but at this stage it MAY kick him out of the affair. It did not work for my wife but pleading didn't help at all. Do not allow him to cake eat..


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## lisah (Aug 11, 2011)

I just want to say thankyou to you all for your comments, i have had similar advice from family but they've never been through it so it seems to hit home when the sdvice is coming from someone who's been through it and it has helped and i do feel stronger.

No more crying, i'm not being nasty when i see him but i'm not being overly enthusiastic either. I'm hoping it's working but who knows, today he rang me to say that his mother had received a form from the council about him living there and wanted to know what date i'd given them. I just told him he might as well change the address to the OW as he's living there and still he insists that he's not but stays there mosts nights, so the one night he has the kids and stays at it mothers with them, makes it ok????

I think not!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't focus too much energy on him. Right now, your focus should be co-parenting. Treat him as you would a colleague (who you don't like LOL).


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lisah said:


> I have been with my husband now for ten years, married for nearly eight. Four weeks ago i noticed my husband was clingy with his mobile so when i had the chance i checked it and found i string of messages from him to another girl.
> In messages it said he loved her, and when i confronted him he said he did, but he still loved me!!!!
> I gave him a choice and he chose her, he's practically living with her now, and has introduced her to his parents.
> 
> I am divorcing him, but i still love him and at the moment feel like i want him back. He's wanting us to get along for the sake of the kids, and everyone is saying i'm a fool as he has no intention of coming back. But how can someone walk out of their marriage for someone they've only being seeing two months???



This is EXACTLY how I found out that my ex was cheating. This is my own story, this is what happened to me. I will come back and write more later. I'm at work now, getting ready to get off here in a few minutes, but I read this and had to comment real quick.

I'm so sorry. What a pig he is.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

He is not your friend buddy or pal, he is your STBX. You need to treat him with respect for your children’s sake, not his. You need to help them get him presents and make him a card, because they need to learn good behavior. Don’t expect him to do any in return as he has already show himself to be a selfish individual.

You are going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions, this is natural. This is also made tougher with the fact that the holidays are coming up, so when everyone around you is so high it makes the low moments seem worse. For this reason, you need to focus on you and your children. Pack as many fun events into this season as you can. Start new memories and traditions that include the children and some for you as well. 

Don’t waste your time with being vindictive, it serves no purpose in the long run. Get the best settlement you can get, don’t let him talk you down. If you want to get back at him, go live the life he will regret that he through away. In time you will move on and find another that is deserving of you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I feel for you so much, I have no idea how anyone can leave their family for another person. 
Its good that you are being strong. I agree with others here who have said not to have any contact unless its specifically about the children. If he ever mentions the OW again, tell him that on no account is he to mention her name to you or introduce her to the children. Keep talking to a bare minimum, just see him briefly to hand the children over and when he brings them back. Its sad that his parents were wiling to meet the lady who has helped to destroy their sons family. I would have refused to have anything to do with her. 

Please don't blame yourself. Bad things happen in life, and marriage should be all about supporting the other in the bad times and not abandoning you. Having a baby does change things but it should be a joint effort with both helping and both being equally involved. They are just excuses for him to cheat. 

Its unlikely that his new relationship will last, ones like that rarely do. However the consequences for you all will be long lasting. You need to decide if you will take him back when it all falls apart and he gets fed up with trying to deal with an insecure woman he barely knows.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a Zombie thread dating back to 2011.


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