# Abusive spouse with potential personality disorder. Divorce?



## Spike87 (Jan 30, 2012)

Hi all,

I'd like some thoughts on my situation. I'm not necessarily asking 'what should I do', but would like to put my story/thoughts down, gauge people's responses, and consider different points of view. Having said that, let me elaborate on my situation.

Basically, I am thinking of divorcing my wife. Let me explain. In her teens my wife attempted to kill herself twice. She has grown up with no real friends (except one person) and is very anxious in social situations (sometimes she will run away or cry about it after returning home). She is also quite a negative person, and can become angry with relatively little provocation. I married her knowing these things, but (naïvely) thought that I could help her fix these things, provide protection, and make her flourish - after all, we were in love.

However, weeks after getting married things started to go downhill. We started to argue over things (we never argued whilst dating) and I discoverd that my wife was very scared/stressed by change (such as moving into our house, sorting bills etc.) and would spend great lengths of time with me making sure we were completely organised for our move and future. I began to suspect a sort of OCD here, as she would also make me pick up any crumb on the floor, sweep food preparation areas, align furniture etc. This was annoying, and I started to think of her as a nag, but things soon took a darker turn.

She often sees 'monsters' that seek her harm around the house, and lives in a constant state of fear and being on edge. In our frequent arguments (usually over small things such as whether we should switch energy providers or not!) she would become furious and, sometimes, take on what appeared to be a different personality. This new personality would scream, speak complete nonsense, clench her fists, and hiss and snarl like an animal. This has probably happened about five times in the last year. In these fits of rage, she has told me that she hates me and, on one occasion, has hit me (I thought she came very close to this the other times too). After these 'transformations' subside, she is distraught and asks for my forgiveness. She has also admitted to me that she sometimes hears 'voices' that tell her to hurt me, or sees images of her doing so (such as when we are sitting together on the couch), and that this distresses her. 

I have convinced her to get help about these things, and we are in the process of seeing psychologists and chaplains. However, this is an extremely slow process and, at present, provides little hope.

As you can imagine, living with this for almost two years has taken its toll on me, but the last three months have been hideous from my perspective: I constantly feel trapped, hopeless, like my dreams have been crushed, and I have frequently thought about suicide (although I wouldn't go through with it. I haven't told my wife about the suicidal thoughts either). For a long time I have fantasised about leaving her and starting my life again. My wife is currently visiting her family for a couple of weeks, and I hoped that this might allow me chance to relax and reflect on things. However, she is constantly texting me and we talk on the phone every evening. These talks have sometimes ended in arguments and, the last couple of nights, we were on the phone for hours, her in tears, because she thought that I haven't been telling her I loved her enough or expressing my love as creatively as I had when we were dating. There seems to be no escape, and the fact is, because of the experiences I've had with her, I'm starting to resent her and want my life as a single man back. I hate feeling like I am constantly on eggshells around her (either from making a 'mess', or potentially provoking an argument from nothing) and know that I am lying when I tell her I love her. Moreover, as I was reflecting on all of this, it suddenly dawned on me that I am actually scared of her! I couldn't believe this at first - when a confidant asked me about how her personality swings make me feel I assured him that I was uneasy but not scared! - but it actually makes sense and explains my inability to love her and feelings of unease around her. I believe that my experience has given me deep emotional wounds that, despite my forgiveness of her, are unable to heal. 

I fear that I will soon suffer some sort of breakdown from the feelings of resentment/sadness that I have and the pretence of my love for her. I think that my intuition is screaming at me to run (manifesting itself in the depression, suicidal thoughts, relief when I'm alone, fantasies of divorce etc.) but I know that she loves me (perhaps obsessively?), and would most likely revert to her suicidal tendencies should I tell her the truth about my feelings and leave. 

Help.

Any comments appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife sounds like she is having episodes of psychosis. Seeing monsters definitely sounds like it. It could be bi-polar or schizophrenia. 

I feel for you as I took care of my nephew, a paranoid schizophrenic for a year. He only stayed in my house sometimes. We got him a little apartment because it was too scary to have him live in our home.

Where is her family? Does she have anyone else who can help her?

I agree that divorce might be your best option here. But who can help her? Have you tried to get her help? 

Can she get a job? Or does she need to be on disability?


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## Spike87 (Jan 30, 2012)

Hi EleGirl,

Thanks for the quick reply. We are currently in the process of getting medical help, although this has taken ages so far (we keep getting shifted to different departments with huge waiting lists) and has no end in sight yet.

Her family are about 200 miles away. If I was to leave her I would definitely make sure they were with her when she found out, and that they were fully informed of her condition. I guess she would return to live with them. In fact, she is returning to our house with her family this week - I'm considering making a break for it now and leaving them some letters for them to find. I realise this might sound very harsh, but I think a potentially dangerous situation could arise (for either of us) if I told her face to face with no-one around to care for her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Um, letting them drive 200 miles to find you gone and some letters would be cruel to her parents and to her.

I honestly think that it would be better for you to call her parents and tell them what is going on.

She needs medical/mental health care. It's wrong to start the process in one place then then have to switch to her parents. So tell her parents to not bring her back. That you will arrange to have her belongings shipped. Also that they need to get her on SSI and medicaid so she can get the help she needs.

And then write her an email telling her that you are divorcing her and why.

Then go see an attorney next week to get the process started.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

It sounds like this is way beyond one of those normal broken relationship issues. Being married to someone with a serious mental illness is a whole different kettle of fish. Seems to me that you need to get her family fully involved as soon as possible (assuming they want to be) and come up with a suitable plan together.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Paranoid Schizophrenia. How old is she? Generally strikes in the late teens early 20's. 40% of schizophrenics have a family history of it. Treatable, yes, but long term success is poor. Patients often hate medication and go off it. Many schizophrenics are also heavy cigarette smokers. Nicotine alleviates some of their symptoms. Untreated it always gets worse, 100% of the time. Much much worse.


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## Heartbroken19 (Feb 1, 2012)

This has to be very difficult for you!! I am sure it gets exhausting dealing with someone you love constantly on edge. walking around on egg shells all the time. Your wife honestly sounds like me. I have similar things happen. when i was younger i was diagnosed with severe depression, but i haven't seen a doctor about it in years. Maybe your wife needs to see a doctor if she hasn't. I would suggest if there is not anymore things other this and you love her to stay by her side. She is probably very scared and confused. how old is she? If medication and therapy do not improve both of your lives then . You should try and understand why she is like this and then make that decision. I really feel for the both of you. My husband probably would say the same thing. maybe that's why we are in the position we are in. I am sorry that your wife isn't in a better mental state.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

Looks to me this is far more than a personality disorder...although the OCD tendencies are there...but when you move into the area of hearing "voices" and seeing "monsters" that seek her harm...you move into more serious mental health issues...

This isn't your wife...she needs major mental health help...with intense therapy and medications...with this type of disorder you have to look at the treatment as "maintenance", just as a diabetic has to treat his disease with maintenance drugs...

You're in a tough situation...get her the professional help she needs and start planning your escape...once she's mentally stable, you can then reevaluate your situation...maybe with drugs she can manage her disorder, but you'll always...always have to make sure she doesn't goof on her meds...

My wife's mom is bipolar and if she goofs on her meds it's hell to pay...


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## Spike87 (Jan 30, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses. Much appreciated.


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