# What changed?



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Hi there. I am new to the forum and would really like opinions on this issue.
I have been married for 27 years now and it ids a wonderful marriage. We don't argue, we laugh a lot and we don't sulk. Our sex life has always been amazing and regular. At times less regular due to illness, stress etc but always amazing never the less. Recently, however, it has become less and less frequent and when it does happen it seems to be "hard work" for my husband. He is still very attentive to me but the "end result" seems to take longer every time if it happens at all. I have asked him if I can do anything different but I don't want to dwell on it and put him under pressure. Could it be illness or maybe the fact that I have been ill lately, although I have always had medical problems and is never been an issue before.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two? How is his health?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I am 45 but have fibromyalgia, hypermobility syndrome, had a hear attack 3 years ago and a hysterectomy last year. He is 48 and healthy apart from a stomach problem he's had for years but I think seems worse lately.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How is his weight? Does he work out?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Sorry to hear your physical relationship has declined, longtermer. That must be disappointing and even devastating. You and your H sound like good and caring people who are committed and devoted to the marriage.

Our first few years of marriage were reasonably fulfilling physically. However, a few years into the marriage, he was diagnosed with a chronic illness that changed all that. His pain meds would take away his edge and he was not able to fully get into the experience. An even bigger problem was that he never told me he had taken a pain med just prior. That made me terribly angry to the point that I lost my desire for him. He can be a private, even secretive person, which has been a huge problem in our marriage.

For years now we have lived without sex. Talk about disappointment - we both looked forward to a good sex life in marriage. At first I felt incredible anger and despair, but eventually I realized there are worse things: fatal illness, accident, disability, financial ruin, etc. At the end of my life will I look back and think I missed all that sex? Our marriage is not perfect, but my H is a good and sincere person who loves me. There are sexless marriages; I just never thought it would be me. Very unfair, but what can you do.

I would urge you to think about couples therapy. I feel certain there is help for your situation. You obviously care about each other and want to share your love physically, and sounds like you're willing to put in a little work.


----------



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

He's a healthy weight and has a very active lifestyle. His job is very physical, he walks the dogs for over an hour every day and at weekends helps exercise my daughters horses or helps his friend around his farm. He eats his fruit and veg and doesn't go out drinking and he doesn't smoke.


----------



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Thanks Kindnessrules. Ironically I have all the chronic illnesses and they've never put him off before, just made him more gentle if he thinks he might hurt me. I'm wondering if he has a hidden medical e because he never goes to the doctors so hasn't had so much as a blood test in ears. Its not thst he doesn't want to and he has no problem getting going but I think he avoids it because it gets frustrating for him at the end.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's all good news. 

Your husband is at that age where declines in testosterone can affect sex drive. It would be worth it to get him to get that checked out. 

On the other hand, he could have other stressors/distractions on his mind as well. At his age (about the same as mine), sex becomes more mental than it used to be. Where we used to get an erection during a stiff breeze, now the wrong thought at the wrong time can take the wind out of his sails. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Thanks pbear. Im already feeling a bit better about the situation.
I might try and get him to the docs for a "check up".


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, sounds like the onset of mild ED. Does he just have trouble orgasming, or does he also have trouble getting hard at the start? Does it go limp halfway thru? Has he ever had a PSA test?

The solutions are different based on the details


----------



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Just trouble with the orgasm. He says he still enjoys the sex and he is very concerned about my needs but just cant orgasm. He says he gets very hot and cant concentrate.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I'm 49. I feel some changes. Sometimes it takes some work to make me O. My W is 42. She is now experiencing menstrual cycles that sometimes last 2 weeks. Onset of menopause? Possible. At this time in our lives our bodies change. I suspect your H is changing physically.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I read this once from a doctor:
If a 20 year old comes in with a problem of sexual function, the diagnosis is it's all in his head.
If an 80 year old comes in with a problem of sexual function, the diagnosis is it's all physical / natural.
If a 50 year old comes in, it's 1/2 mental and 1/2 physical.


----------

