# Leaving crosses my mind more than staying!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Even though My WS is trying, at the start of our R I was positive that this is what I wanted, I love him. 

But, I am starting to want to leave more now than I ever have. Even when I found out about the A, I always wanted to work though it. 

This time it isnt him, it is me. He is really trying. The affair is over, its been some time. But that just it, maybe as time passes then it becomes more and more obvious to me that my feelings has changed toward him....

NOW before everyone thinks my mind is 100% to leave, well it isnt. Its more like 65 to 70% made up... I dont really know if he has a chance to turn that percetage back or not....


I think alot about our child being out of school in a few weeks for summer break, and then I can leave and take with me without having to worry about school.. And I know I could stay and ask my S to leave, but I litterally want to leave.. When we split before I stayed and he left.. But for some reason I dont want to stay in the home we shared.... I have no idea why I feel this way but I do....


There is just alot of emotions I deal with and thoughts, maybe I really can not get over it, maybe to much damage had been done. I dont like feeling this way, at one time I DIDNT........ I was hurt, crushed, angry etc... but I thought that we can get past this and grow stronger in our marriage. But there is still a bit of that in me some.. 

But for me to really think about when the timing would be best for me to leave well thats got to mean somthing..Then again maybe I am so emotionally hurt that I think that I cant do it.. 

Yeah up and down moments at its finest....... but I am tired of the down........ Im am just lost on confused....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, how about a compromise? How about you go off for a couple of weeks by yourself, or with the kids, but not with him -- sounds like you need some time and space to think.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I have more time away from him than I do with him.. He works alot.. and his hours are so akward that when he is home its his sleep time, then a little time on some days to see him before he off to work again. Its like my day is his night and his day is my night. Hard to explain. And I know he is for sure working. Thats not a worry to me.. But I have alot of time away from him....


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

JTOIA, I am so sorry for your hurt. My ex never gave me the opportunity to reconcile with her. She left me and the kids because she 'couldn't be the kind of wife that I deserved.'

As time goes on, I'm glad that she left so that I didn't have to go through the emotions that you're currently feeling. Then there are other times that I wished she had stayed so that we could have worked things out. Either way, it sucks to be us.

Do something nice for yourself this weekend.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think you should have a trial separation and decide after the year whether or not you want to remain with him.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Because of his work schedule, do you think the lack of being able to spend a lot of time together is a big part of what you're feeling? Do you think if you had the chance to be together more that you might be able to build a strong bond together and might not necessarily feel the way you do? 

Are you starting to have thoughts about other men yourself?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

What you feel is normal. No LS that chooses the reconciliation path can appreciate how long and painful that journey really is. After the emotional instinct to "fix, fix, fix" slows and you do have that urgent feeling compelling you, most people get the feeling your having. They just want off the ride.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> Because of his work schedule, do you think the lack of being able to spend a lot of time together is a big part of what you're feeling? Do you think if you had the chance to be together more that you might be able to build a strong bond together and might not necessarily feel the way you do?
> 
> Are you starting to have thoughts about other men yourself?


If my answering this question honestly will help to explain what I am feeling than here goes... 

Am I starting to have thoughts of other men myself.. Yeah some.
But not anyone specific.. I dont have anyone in mind. I do sit and think about what it would be like to be with someone else.. but not just other men, I talking about a diffrent life, what it would be like to completly be independent. Like driving around and I will look at others and wonder if they are a long time family, or a new found family...... did they start fresh.. or did they make it through there tough times.. Hard to explain my thoughts somtimes..

Maybe if we had more time together I possibly could form the bond with him again, but we are hardley together.. It is a dull life for us, not just me but him to..... Maybe after all the misery we have been through we just dont have time for happy time to build what we once had. I think now that you brought it up, and I am writing it feels you may had hit somthing in me...... maybe thats it... 

I love him, but no time to get to "KNOW" one another again..... if that makes sense..........But I know what we once shared, and I know what destroyed it... But not sure if it can be overcome.. he doesnt do anything to hurt me, o we have our little moments of frustrations but what couple dont. But it nothing even close to what it was during his A... The I love you are given openly from him, he text me from work.. If he gets a day off he spends it with me.. his actions are alot better toward me than compared to the affair time.. I dont know, maybe you have hit on somthing here :scratchhead:


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Here is another thing I am picking up on though.. And it goes against the post I just posted... 

It feels like a relief to me when he leaves for work... Somtimes I am snappy toward him.. I try to keep that in check.. But once his out the door even if we had a little time together and nothing bad at all happened just talking spending time toghther.. Just normal husband wife moments, once he is out that door and gone to work I get the feeling of releif.... he will kiss me, hug me tell me he loves me and out the door he goes.. and here I am sitting there feeling releived he left...


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I'm glad I may have hit on something for you at least. The reason why I asked in the first place is because from some reading I've done, it is said that many marriages struggle where one or both spouses travel a lot or are generally not around much because they're working late or whatever. We need to spend a lot of time with our spouses in order to keep a tight bond with them, so that's why military marriages for example (where a spouse is deployed) often are doomed from the enormous gaps of time between close contact. I picked up on it as soon as you said you see less of him these days because of his work.

It is hard enough for a marriage without infidelity to survive in a scenario where work conflicts with enough quality time... So your situation is compounded exponentially considering the history. You could be at even worse odds trying to make reconciliation happen in this type of environment. I think quality time is crucial to your ability to truly reconcile with each other, and the fact that you don't have enough time with him could mean you don't have enough time to even work out he issues you need to for R to happen for YOU. Which could also explain why you may be starting to feel distant enough from him where you're actually relieved when he leaves... Because your lack of time together is in fact making your heart go yonder.

Not sure if that's the only issue, but my gut says it could be a factor in some fashion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Here is another thing I am picking up on though.. And it goes against the post I just posted...
> 
> It feels like a relief to me when he leaves for work... Somtimes I am snappy toward him.. I try to keep that in check.. But once his out the door even if we had a little time together and nothing bad at all happened just talking spending time toghther.. Just normal husband wife moments, once he is out that door and gone to work I get the feeling of releif.... he will kiss me, hug me tell me he loves me and out the door he goes.. and here I am sitting there feeling releived he left...


JTOIA - I didn't know how to express this and you captured it. This is something I feel too w/my WH. It's wierd isn't it? That feeling of relief when they are out of our space...out of our line of sight. Even if nothing particularly bad preceeded it. 

If you can swing it, it might do you some good to just take some time away, you and the kids. To allow yourself that time. 

JM321


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

JustMe321 said:


> JTOIA - I didn't know how to express this and you captured it. This is something I feel too w/my WH. It's wierd isn't it? That feeling of relief when they are out of our space...out of our line of sight. Even if nothing particularly bad preceeded it.
> 
> If you can swing it, it might do you some good to just take some time away, you and the kids. To allow yourself that time.
> 
> JM321


Well guess Im not the only one with this type of feeling, but what does it mean? Emotionally we are moving away, but mentally we are still in it? I have no Idea...... Sorry you are having the same issue JM321 and I wish I could give you some advice as to why, then I would know myself!!! I have read so much trying to learn about A, but this isnt somthing I have found anything about.. But like you out of my space, line of sight is just a PHEWWWW moment.. Maybe one of the vetrains can enlighten us on this...


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Bottled Up said:


> I'm glad I may have hit on something for you at least. The reason why I asked in the first place is because from some reading I've done, it is said that many marriages struggle where one or both spouses travel a lot or are generally not around much because they're working late or whatever. We need to spend a lot of time with our spouses in order to keep a tight bond with them, so that's why military marriages for example (where a spouse is deployed) often are doomed from the enormous gaps of time between close contact. I picked up on it as soon as you said you see less of him these days because of his work.
> 
> It is hard enough for a marriage without infidelity to survive in a scenario where work conflicts with enough quality time... So your situation is compounded exponentially considering the history. You could be at even worse odds trying to make reconciliation happen in this type of environment. I think quality time is crucial to your ability to truly reconcile with each other, and the fact that you don't have enough time with him could mean you don't have enough time to even work out he issues you need to for R to happen for YOU. Which could also explain why you may be starting to feel distant enough from him where you're actually relieved when he leaves... Because your lack of time together is in fact making your heart go yonder.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your help, still trying to pin-point all of this to be honest, and if you have read my other post well the space part makes sense BUT I have that sense of releif when he leaves..... So its kinda confusing.. I should want more time, I need more time.... bond isnt growing like we are going now.. I wanted to R, I wanted to survive this, to strengthen us, I love him YES.. but then why am I having more PHEWWWWW moments when he leaves.. Shouldnt I be having the PHEWWWW moments when he comes home?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds to me like you no longer love him. Totally understandable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Sounds to me like you no longer love him. Totally understandable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It seems so strange how this rings today.. From the start of the firtst d-day to the last d-day, thru trying to R.. Oh my what has happened to my life. My husband.. When I get my thoughts in order. So I can actually make sense enough to write it all our so I can be understood to get some advice I will be back. Hoping by tommoroww. There is some major issues going on and a new twist to this long drawn out Affair to FR or R or whatever it is.. I will get my thoughts and emotions in check and will be back for thoughts and opnions. Wow I never would had dreamed of this coming my way.


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