# Reality Check - Struggling to make it work (Long)



## hoipolloi (Dec 17, 2010)

First, let me introduce myself. I have been married to my SO for 12 years and we have three wonderful children. I am employed and she is a stay-at-home mother. Our children’s are ages 15, 13, and 9 with the youngest being a newly diagnosed diabetic. We own a house, have multiple cars and motorcycles (she rides too), and reside in a very nice neighborhood. All in all, we have everything I have wanted and worked so hard for.

Enter our relationship dysfunction. This of course is my perspective, rest assured I have tried very hard to see things her way too but however you look at it, we do not get along. Every two weeks or so, something comes up that infuriates her, she accuses me of all sorts of deficiencies and I typically retort in kind as a defensive measure. This starts an argument session and hostilities that last for several days. Most times I am blindsided by her anger and default into “defensive mode”. This of course solves nothing and aggravates her. So over the years I have tried other tactics such as simply agreeing with her, listening to her rant until over then apologizing, or even saying nothing at all and hugging her. None of which has solved anything as she would “see through me”, as she says, to my “insincere actions”.

I am told by my SO that her constant anger is all my fault because I don’t feel, act, listen, say, [enter any action here] the right way and she usually yells this at me at the top of her lungs. The real problem I see is the extreme (hostile) sensitivity she has dealing with everything in her life . . . from planning activities together, to raising our children. Our inability to rationally discuss anything has eroded my desire for even small talk. This in turn, is driving a desire in me to avoid her . . . to avoid the conflict. All my efforts to alleviate our conflicts seem to fail miserably and we end up in regular heated arguments. 

My SO has some personality subtleties that don’t rest well with most people. So-much-so that she has no friends and no contact with her side of the family. She typically does well in new social settings, but she quickly finds fault in others and often brings up topics that make people uncomfortable. She claims, she is just “telling the truth” and it’s not her fault if other don’t want to hear it. She doesn’t like to follow schedules, she doesn’t like to follow rules and even promotes our children to do the same. She thinks everyone has a secret agenda and that nobody tells the truth. She is anti-religious and has become confrontational with neighbors inviting us to church events. She frowns on my friends and family, even forbidden me from contacting my parents - - all over a fall-out several years ago. She gets upset with me if I plan for, or do anything that doesn’t include her (i.e. infrequent short activities with coworkers every 2-4 months). She gets mad when I “leave her”, even if it’s fixing her car in the garage or repair something around the house. She about had a come-a-part when she found out I had a facebook page – that by the way, was used only for keeping tabs on our children. The facebook page was the “hot topic” in the marital counseling I set up, apparently the “friend requests” I received from old high school friends were a threat to our marriage – she said it could only mean I was looking to cheat on her. Considering I graduated over 20 years ago and had zero contact with anyone from school over that time, I don’t understand the “threat”. Nonetheless, the counseling didn’t make it past the first session and I don’t use facebook anymore.

Another frustration for me is that my SO’s daily attitude is unpredictable. One day she is calling me every foul name under the sun with venomous hate and disgust , and the next she clinging all over me with love and adoration. I can’t keep up with the mood swings. I walk on eggshells daily in efforts not to upset her. I can’t talk about the things I feel are important because she twists my comments around so that they are offensive to her, then gets mad at me for making them. She does this with our children as well and I have had to bite my tongue -- for if I defend the child, then I am “against her”, “unsupportive” or “looking for an argument”. Our kids are great and I admire their adaptability. My wife spends little to no constructive time with any of them, so I have tried fill that void with as much time and support as I can. I have always been the “go-to” parent for homework help, social dilemmas and personal problems. My wife has told me she is jealous of our children, because they get more of my time than she does, which isn’t true, but that is the way she sees it.

I guess I am at a crossroads in my life. I confronted her a few weeks ago and said that she needed to see a doctor or WE are not going to work out. After much positive coaxing by me, she finally relented and is now on three different medications for her anxiety and extreme mood swings. I have never liked or promoted medications, but she needs something for her extreme emotional agony. My next issue is to ensure she takes them, as she is the most inconsistent person I know. Unfortunately she has also discovered readily available mephedrone and her moods have been all over the spectrum . . . from excited and unnaturally happy, to depressed and suicidal. I told her that I will not tolerate her use of unprescribed mind-altering drugs and she agreed to stop it’s use. Our family doctor has referred her to a psychiatrist with an appointment in a couple weeks, I just hope we make it that long.

Comments and suggestions are welcome as I don’t really know the best direction to go. My sense of obligation and commitment have kept me by her side through thick and thin, but it is now taking it’s toll on my own mental/physical health. Without any close family or friends (thanks to you-know-who), I appreciate the thoughts and input from others.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

I feel bad no one got back to you that I can tell. I'm having problems with my spouse, delusional, paranoid, anxiety, etc. really unreasonable and I've gotten some good advice. I don't know if you are checking the board but this must be miserable for all involved. Your kids are suffering, you and your spouse are suffering, albeit in different ways. I'm worried about my husband but have enough pride and maternal instinct to protect myself and my chid. I've set boundaries, if you don't do A I won't do B. He is going to a psychiatrist and taking meds, whether they work waits to be seen b ut it's not optional. I've made him get a room for nights because I will not wake up too and subject our daughter to his outlandish hallucinations and moods in the morning. You need to pee or get off the pot. Nothing will be accomplished by your mulling this over and over. You need to move, literally and figuratively if you haven't already. If she is using unprescribed drugs, get proof and see an attorney asap or else she could be alone with the children. I said in another post and mean it. if you part and get back together after working it out then it's meant to be, and I'm not a divorce advocate, been married since 1988 and struggling myself, but if she can't get her act together, medication or otherwise, you need to protect your children. I sort of let my hubby cut me off and only have a few close friends, I am also so angry because I allowed my confidence to shrink, to the point where one of the last straws was when I texted his younger sister with his problem as our kids our close he informed me it is his family, not my family. I don't know what is just controlling, overbearing personality and what is the illness, but I do know I want the old me, the one that says I love you and take my vows seriously but God didn't intend for me to be treated this way. I will support you the best I can but you need to help yourself. I worry about the kids. I know my husband's doc won't talk to me unless it's a family session because I'm not his patient but I have my own counselor and learning how to react is helping me in life, not just with my spouse. You need to move on something. Afterall, you are an adult, why are you allowing yourself to be controlled? You don't have to be mean or aggressive but what is stopping you from saying enough is enough? Money is killing us but I cashed in some retirement because the need is what I consider an emergency and honestly have to worry about taxes later. Move.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She's a b!tch, plain and simple. She doesn't care one bit about anyone else's feelings and doesn't even want to control herself.


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