# Am I crazy? Husband's female friend



## kittylover (May 2, 2014)

Please tell me if I have reason to be angry or I'm crazy. My husband has been friends with a woman(who shall be called the troll) since teen years(now 50) She was already married when I met him and while we were dating I met her and didn't find her as great as he seemed to(actually she bored me) We didn't see her that often so I didn't care. We have now been married 17 years and over the years they would see each other once in a while.At some point they lost contact for maybe a year or two? Then last spring one of them contacted the other and it's reached the point of being ridiculous.Oh,did I mention she was divorced by the time they resumed contact?Supposedly she has a boyfriend now.
Where to start? Well, there was the time last summer when he went out all night with her,his sister and brother in law. I was pissed and got a whole bunch of 'sorry.You're the only person who matters to me,blah blah blah)' So I got over it and he seemed to see her less for a while but now it's as bad as ever.Every weekend(or 2 at the most) there's some reason for him to be over there. Often he'll be visiting his aunt and wouldn't you know it the troll calls and invites him for dinner(often he mentions her mother being there as well.Guess that makes it okay!) Or two weeks ago when he wanted to get together with his sister and niece but was tired from work and they live an hour away. The troll to the rescue! She had them over for pizza. Last weekend may have pushed me over the edge. He came home from work Sat afternoon and I was about to take a nap.He asked if anything was going on that night and I said no(though I was looking forward to spending time with him) Next thing I know he's telling me he's going out for a while.He finally came home SIX hours later and I already knew where he had gone.Confirmed it when I checked his phone and saw the troll had called right before he left.
I don't think there's anything physical going on(sorry,she's ugly) and he's always looking for love when he gets home from there. I think it's a matter of her being the attention ***** I always felt she was and her getting off on having him run over there EVEN THOUGH HE'S MARRIED! I realized yesterday I'm not even looking forward to the weekend because I'll just be waiting to see at what point he'll run over there and I'm feeling pretty depressed at this point. Please confirm I'm not crazy!


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## f_lyris (May 2, 2014)

Have you explained to him how you feel? If you have and it's gotten you nowhere perhaps you two should see a counselor together? Regardless of his relationship with this other woman, he should be taking your feelings into consideration as your spouse.


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

There are no former girlfriends or female friends my SO will be spending any time with alone, sending texts, or calling on the phone. Call me what you like, it's just not happening in my relationships. It's disrespectful and nothing good can come from it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Another example of why I don't believe in male/female friendships.

OP, I would be pissed. In my relationships there is no single opposite sex friends allowed.....or married unless we know both of them/friends with both.

Although I'm sure there is some exceptions, most man will not be a friend with a girl they wouldn't bang. 

Many women don't know this and learn it the hard way.

When you first started your marriage and she was married, that's one thing (even then I still don't think it's appropriate/respectful to you). When she got divorced, your husband should've never replied.

Let's face it, they weren't really friends anyways since they didn't keep contact for years......

I would recommend enforcing this rule pronto and make sure your husband complies/actually follows it. If your husband is inconsiderate to your feelings, that should tell you that his "friend" is a priority.


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## kittylover (May 2, 2014)

Thank you guys,I already feel a little better knowing I'm not an overacting crazy wife. One thing I forgot to mention that I feel is super shady of her-she only calls him on his cell phone,never our home phone. I know she knows our home number since twice she's had her freakin' mother call it and screetch into our phone to see if he was coming for dinner or not. As far as explaining how I feel,after the night last summer that he was out with her I wrote him a letter explaining that I was not thrilled to see him after he returned from his date.I totally forget what else I wrote,I was so mad it's a blur now. That's when i got the whole 'noone else is important speech' And I have to say,he does seem concerned when he can tell I'm pissed off and he doesn't know why(although when I'm pissed every time you return from seeing her-figure it out dude) Unfortunately for me I'm so enraged I find myself almost struck mute! Last weekend when I was mad the next day and he asked why all I could get out was that he was gone a hell of a lot longer than a little while and then I had to go for a walk to get away from him. 
Also not helpful is how often he brings her up. I guess it's not an emotional affair cause apparently those are secretive. I could be talking about the weather and he'd have to mention that the troll likes sunny days!


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## f_lyris (May 2, 2014)

Sounds like an EA to me because that part of their relationship is secretive from what you're saying. In either case, I don't think it sounds like she has your best interests as his wife in her list of priorities, at all. I think an EA could be defined as them having a relationship from which you are excluded, and it seems to me as if this is exactly what they have. How any married individual could think it's acceptable to go out with someone of the opposite sex and not invite their spouse along is beyond my comprehension.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you feel he is spending too much time with her and not enough time with you, speak up!

When he asks if there are any plans, speak up! "Yes, I plan to spend the evening with my husband!"

When he goes to visit and it's likely she will also be there, go with him.

Since you don't think there is anything going on, you are reacting in a jealous way. Girl, you have to behave smarter than that!

Buddy up to the troll! Go with him. Make sure she knows that you two are a pair! But keeping your husband tied down is NOT the answer. Go with him! 

What will end up happening is one of two things.

1. She gets frustrated that you are interfering with her relationship with your h and starts trying to make plans with him when she knows you're unavailable. Now you've got something on which to stand your ground.

Or

2. You realize you've been over reacting and that there is nothing going on at all. But since you haven't acted like a jealous cat, you can stand taller that you've held your ground and your man but haven't turned him away from you for being so controlling and jealous.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kittylover said:


> Please confirm I'm not crazy!


I am unable to confirm that.

You're allowing your husband to carry on with another women. The odds of an emotional or even physical affair are overwhelmingly high. 

That's at the very least.. a very bad thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Neither spouse has any business having a friend who is not ALSO a friend of the marriage, which she DEFINITELY is NOT.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree with AP. Basically if you were a guy I'd be instructing you to **** block this chick.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I don't think there's anything physical going on (sorry, shes ugly)"

Just one more reason to put a stop to this. Don't want to alarm you more than you already are, but just because shes 'ugly' doesn't exclude the possibility of cheating. She wouldn't be the first 'ugly' gal to get lucky. she was once married, no? she supposedly has a boyfriend, or had? Somebody(s) went there.

He may not be doing anything physical. Lets really hope so. 

But what's going on can lead to.......... a few beers, some laughs, gettin tipsy, little bit of flirtin, next thing you know.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kittylover said:


> I don't think there's anything physical going on(sorry,she's ugly)


Attractiveness can be deeper than just superficial external appearances. Maybe your husband isn't as shallow as you are.


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## kittylover (May 2, 2014)

I'm not shallow but at this point I see her as ugly inside and out. Excuse me for despising her!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

kittylover said:


> I'm not shallow but at this point I see her as ugly inside and out. Excuse me for despising her!


I get it.

But realize your husband might not be as concerned about her external appearance as you are.

Even ugly women can have nice VJs.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

I have to agree with everyone just because you think she is ugly doesn't mean that she doesn't have a chance of somehow getting your husband to cross the line. If anything that will help her out because you dont percieve her as a threat because of her looks. A lot of men cheat down because the other woman is willing to do more things sexually or something. Never understood that ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

bottom line:

the fact that they are sneaking around means they know what they are doing is not kosher.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Now that I am married I am no longer in touch with single opposite sex friends from my past. I was not interested in them romantically, but due to my wife having some bad experiences in previous relationships I stay away from single women. It is a respect thing IMO.

However, if my wife had never talked to me about her fears I would not have known her concerns.


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## Bluemoon89 (Nov 6, 2013)

lancaster said:


> Now that I am married I am no longer in touch with single opposite sex friends from my past. I was not interested in them romantically, but due to my wife having some bad experiences in previous relationships I stay away from single women. It is a respect thing IMO.
> 
> However, if my wife had never talked to me about her fears I would not have known her concerns.


Wow I wish more men were like you. Though I should try talking to my husband about how I feel about that subject as well. But you have respect and love for her and that's admiring right there.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Bluemoon89 said:


> Wow I wish more men were like you. Though I should try talking to my husband about how I feel about that subject as well. But you have respect and love for her and that's admiring right there.


Thanks, do not get me wrong, my wife and I do have our problems but that is not one of the. I am sure we have issues that are no biggie in your relationship.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

One thing I've learned from working things out with my husband is that he is not a mind reader. Even if you think it's obvious you need to spell it out for your husband. Tell him how bothered you are by their relationship and ask him why he feels it's ok for him to run to her when she calls and spend hours at her house. 

My best friend is a man but I've known him since we were infants, he's more like family to me than most family but if I ever spend time with him my husband is always with me and if not I'm usually in a group of friends. You should not let them be alone together, she sounds like someone who can't be trusted.


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## kittylover (May 2, 2014)

Hi all! Sorry I never updated this thread. I spoke to him the night after I posted. I didn't get to say everything I intended because I'm a big crybaby and started crying. He seemed suprised,said he didn't know I felt that way(Though I said"After the time last summer when you went out and I wrote you the note you didn't know? He said nothing in response to that) Said her boyfriend is there when he visits but he will stop going over.It's been 4 weeks since then and so far he has kept his word.There have been a handful of phone calls during this time(always her calling him) but not many calls and not excessively long conversations. I was a bit nervous because his 50th birthday is next weekend and he invited her to the party.Thank goodness she and her boyfriend will be away that weekend because I don't want to see her!
Things have been really good with us,more time spent together and more snuggly time than usual. And incredibly he has managed not to constantly bring her up! Hasn't mentioned missing her,no reminising about their fun times in the past,nada. Hopefully all will continue this way.Thanks for all the advice!:smthumbup:


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## kittylover (May 2, 2014)

Also wanted to mention that during the time they first reconnected we were in the process of having our oldest cat(16 yrs old-with us for 14) undergoing different tests and eventually being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and dying a couple of months later. So I wasn't as concerned as I might normally have been about him meeting up with an old friend.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Excuse me - he invited her to his birthday after what you told him?!?!?! wtf.

You are still being FAR FAR FAR too lenient. Keep this up, and he's just going to resume his relationship with her when he figures you've settled down. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. PERIOD. Like I said before, she is not a friend of your marriage and therefore he has no business being friends with her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lenzi said:


> I get it.
> 
> But realize your husband might not be as concerned about her external appearance as you are.
> 
> *Even ugly women can have nice VJs.*


and give good BJs.


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