# Just joined today. I need comforting.



## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

I am so very sad and lonely. My husband verbally abuses me and my kids constantly. The only time he isn't screaming at us is when he is sitting in his chair in the dark bedroom playing online games. All he does is scream, scare us, and play his games, (and go to work). He has no interests besides trying to make us feel hurt and scared. I don't love him anymore. I have 3 kids and no way to support them on my own. Can't work because I cannot afford daycare and I am too stupid to work at most jobs. Also I have an auto-immune disease that makes me feel sick most of the time. Sometimes I think I would rather die than live this way. I love my kids but I would just leave if I legally could. I know that even if I had somewhere to go and could afford to live on my own i would not be able to bring my kids because he would just take me to court and try to take them away (or at least my son). I fantasize about running away and being free. I have no friends. My family feels sorry for me sort of but that's the extent of support. I have no family that I can go stay with. I have nothing. I wish someone loved me. I wish I could be rescued but I know that's just in fairy tales. He plays head games with me sometimes. He suddenly acts nice and tells me he loves me and that I am pretty and smart and wonderful and amazing and then I have to say "I love you too" and try not to cry. He usually wants sex when he does this. I willingly have sex with him because I am desperate for any affection at all. I really don't feel any sexual feelings toward him though. I feel disgusting about living a lie. He denies everything he does to me or tells me I deserve it because of what I do to him but I don't do anything at all to him.
I look young and am in great shape for someone my age with 3 kids and that's really all I have that he can't insult me about (the best he can do is say "You are too skinny, you are nothing but muscle and skin and bones, or are you trying to look hot for other guys?). He can't can't take that away from me and really it's the last thing I have to feel pride about.
All I ever wanted was to be treated with kindness. I wanted to be a mom, raise my kids, grow a garden, have a loving husband to be my companion, and live happily ever after. I feel like I will never be loved. There is no way for me to meet guys anyway if I am ever single again. I don't know how people do that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> There is no way for me to meet guys anyway if I am ever single again. I don't know how people do that.


Hogwash. You met him right? He's not the last man on earth.

I think the first step for you is to get out and get yourself a job. Being under his tyranny has turned you into a servant/slave, and you're nothing of the kind. Call your family and tell them your plans. Let them in on what's going on so they can help you too. Most times they don't offer because they really don't know how bad things are. 

Keep coming back here, you have our support even though we don't know you. You can do anything you put your mind to. Show you children just how great of a mom they really have!


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

Please do an internet search (Google or Yahoo) for shelters that cater to women and children who provide counseling. 



> ...and I am too stupid to work at most jobs.


Really? Why do you think you are stupid? Who told you that you where stupid? 

Do you know you have better grammar than most of my friends, and they are college graduates? I think you need to stop that little play-back in your head right now that spews all the negative self-talk. I know your husband probably spews it out too, but he obviously has no clue how smart you are (unless he wants sex but then it looks like he'll say anything to get what he wants).

Once you find a place, get out while he's at work. You CAN do it! After you're out, see what the counselors say on getting marriage/couples counseling or if you should just throw in the towel. It is ultimately your decision and you have power...you just need to wake up and see that you have a voice.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

I also found a site on Verbal Abuse that you can read through. The link takes you to the fact of verbal abuse but the rest of the site is good.

There is there Support Resources page. I hope you can find some help there as well.

I wish I could do more for you, but know that you are not alone and this is not normal and you don' deserve to be treated this way any longer. It's also showing your children how their marriages should work. You're a good mother, you can step out and you can succeed!

Just put one foot in front of the other and don't turn back!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You are a battered wife -- doesn't matter if it's words, not fists.

Good advice above -- you need to get out of this situation, as it's affecting your ability to make clear decisions.

And you are NOT stupid.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Apparently you're not too stupid. You're smart enough to use the internet and type this appeal (you spelled "desperate" right, for instance! That, alone, puts you above the general populace.). Find a local shelter; they ARE available. Use in the internet; find a place. GET OUT of there, with your kids. 

You're right; being rescued is in fairy tales. You have to find a way to rescue yourself. The upside of that is...you CAN!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with everyone here. You have gotten to a point where you're brainwashed - thinking the worst about yourself instead of remembering what's good. 

I have a few recommendations for you to consider: 

1. Start keeping a journal where you write dates, times, and bare bones details of hurtful things that are said or screaming that takes place. Who said what, when. 

2. Start practicing positive affirmations. 

3. Start stashing money as you're able, even if it's just pennies at a time. This will remind you that you're taking steps to have a better future and when the time comes to leave, you'll need it.

4. If you can visit an individual counselor or join a free codependency group in your area, do it. 

5. Identify a safe place to go - whether it's for a few days or for a few months to help you get on your feet. This might be a friend's, a neighbor's, or a family member's house. I know you feel completely alone right now, but you've probably ruled out some people who could be great sources of support if you'd let them back in. They may have been someone you once thought was too judgmental, but that might be exactly who you need in your life right now. 

6. Don't be afraid to take a long "cooling off" walk with your children if he starts becoming verbally violent. If there's a park nearby, that might be a great place to spend an hour.

7. As far as taking your children.... You contradict yourself. On the one hand, you fantasize about leaving them behind, and then you say you're afraid he'd take them. If you keep careful records of these abusive episodes, he would not be able to take your children, and the courts require non-custodial parents to pay child support. Between that and government programs that will train you for jobs, help you find work, and provide food, you *will* survive and find new opportunities. 

8. Find someone who has the kind of life you would like, and learn how they do it. You may talk to them, seek advice sometimes, or just ask yourself what they would do in your shoes, and then copy it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

First thing I ask when I read of similar situations is, "how long have you been married?" Please correct me if I am wrong, but are you in Illinois? If so, you are in an equity state.

First, you start by getting your ducks in a row. Yes, get a job at McDonald's if need be, but get out of the house and start working at something.

Second, get a free consultation with a family law attorney. Based on the length of marriage, and the lifestyle your husband has afforded you and your children, you have a good chance of being given spousal support. Alimony went out years ago. However, spousal support is generally given to someone who needs to return to school to learn updated computer skills. It also generally lasts for half the duration of the marriage. Thus, if you have been married for 10 years, hubs would have to support you, in a somewhat reasonable manner for 5 years.

Child support is payable until each child reaches the age of 18.

You have been verbally beaten down to the point that you don't see that the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train. Get away from this man. Make a plan to do that, implement it, and you WILL find that there are plenty of people on this planet who will like you, love you, enjoy your company, and be your friends.

I know you feel lonely, isolated, and beat down. Believe me, you were not destined to be that way. But you are going to have to take some proactive steps to get back on your feet. There are plenty of people here who will encourage you!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I hate the easy out advice of divorce.

I am a true believer in marriage and issues that happen should be dealt with not run from. I know this is not the popular tell you what you want to hear response, but my first question is how old are you? Could this be a MLC? I wonder why it took out to 3 kids to figure he is so bad and now want to leave?

Having a wife that is finally coming around from a MLC, much of what you say sounds like what she was saying before she walked. The fact that you fantasize about running away is a red flag for the walk away wife syndrome. The exit stategy.

I am sorry if he really is as bad as you say, but I knew I was not as bad as the stories she was telling about me. It took both of us to make the change and keep the marriage together. 

All I know is that my wife who if you would have asked about me a year ago would have painted a terrible picture of me and today tells me she loves me. Who changed?

Can you seek MC? For you and your kids?

I wish you and your family well!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

This is me said:


> I hate the easy out advice of divorce.
> 
> *I am a true believer in marriage and issues that happen should be dealt with not run from.* I know this is not the popular tell you what you want to hear response, but my first question is how old are you? Could this be a MLC? *I wonder why it took out to 3 kids to figure he is so bad and now want to leave?*
> 
> ...


First, I want to say that yes, I agree that issues DO need to be dealt with and people should not run from them. However, if she is indeed dealing with a situation she has described above, then she DOES need to get out. That is abuse, plain and simple. It doesn't mean he can't be rehabilitated and actually repair the marriage, but if she is afraid for herself and for the children, she needs to leave, and go to a shelter. As far as why did it take the space of having three kids... Abusers take their time to beat the victim down, whether literally or figuratively. Some people get so used to it that they don't realize it is happening, or has happened, for years. So, it really isn't unrealistic that this has happened after so many years.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

CALL THEM: 1.800.656.HOPE

They are an international help line for abused people

http://www.rainn.org/gethelp/


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Domestic violence information « Hot Peach Pages International

International abuse help page, lists of lots of resources by area and country.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

This is me said:


> I hate the easy out advice of divorce.
> 
> I am a true believer in marriage and issues that happen should be dealt with not run from. I know this is not the popular tell you what you want to hear response, but my first question is how old are you? Could this be a MLC? I wonder why it took out to 3 kids to figure he is so bad and now want to leave?
> 
> ...


I'm all about working it out and not giving up at the first sight of defeat, but abuse? When three kids are involved? I would run, and FAST! 

I definitely agree with the advice of keeping a journal and starting to stash money away. Baby steps, one day at a time, and I hope you can exit this mess. Good luck to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have received a lot of good advice here.

But I do have some questions… how long have you been married? How old are you, your husband and your children?

I agree with the others. Your post shows that you are not stupid. If you can run a household, take care of children and write as well as you do, you are smart enough for a lot of jobs. You are just beat down and depressed right now.

Get in contact with an abused woman’s center near you. You and your children will be able to get counseling there. They can help you find a place to move to with your children. Some places can also help you find an attorney.

You will need an exit plan. Look up exit plans and read about them. There are lots of good ideas on web sites about abuse.

You will need money. Do you have a joint account with your husband? Do you have access to money?

If you can only earn minimum wage right now, I would highly suggest that you start going to school. Pick a state-run trade school or a college/university. If you are separated you would qualify for federal and state financial aid. You might also be able to things like food stamps. And you would get child support. There is also a chance that you could get rehabilitative spousal support. Rehabilitative spousal support is support for up to half the length of your marriage to help you get an and education/job skills so you can support yourself and your children.

Please get support for yourself from an abuse center, from an attorney and the education system that can help you and your children get away from your husband.

While you are a victim, so are your children. And you are the one adult they have who can help them.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Lady you are one articulate idiot. Do you live in a foreign country? There is something a bit off that I am not connecting with in your story but something tells me your self esteem is about a -10 at this point. 

There is hope for you and your kids and more of a support system than you realize. You have been pointed to some national organizations that can give you competent advice and counsel. Do not ignore it. Make it a priority for you and your kids. You wanted advice and you have been give a great deal. Be proactive!


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

I remembered one more thing...there is plenty of spy equipment available out there - pens, keychains, desk alarm clocks, etc...run a few while he is verbally abusing you and your kids. That type of evidence is generally a knockout in a court of law, should it ever get to that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My sympathy for you is only surpassed for the anger I feel towards your abusive husband. That's what they do...isolate, berate you, and make you feel like life is hopeless.

Don't fall for it. Do whatever you need to do to live a normal and happy life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are not too stupid to work. His abuse has made you THINK you are too stupid. Stop believing his abuse.

If you are legally married, he will be legally required to support you and your kids after you divorce him. Find a lawyer who will take your case with payment at the end, gather evidence of the abuse (recordings, witnesses, etc), and file. He will have to pay at least child support and maybe support for you, too. And your state will help you get all the rest - housing, food, education.

Look for a women's shelter in your city and go visit it; they will get you started.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

I appreciate sympathy but it looks like you guys got your info from the same pamphlets/books that I did. First of all I can't get out. There are no free daycare centers, or places to rent where I live. I cannot get a job to get the money to get out and get a job. You see? Our women's shelter does nothing for women. You can live there temp. You are allowed to pack one bag. You must get rid of all of the rest of your belongings. Then u are technically homeless which in court makes you an unfit parent so he would take my son from me because he has a job. Counselors are just the payed version of you and myself. I know because I am one credit short of a BS in Psych. That last credit hour is statistics and research methods which I have retaken twice and failed due to a documented math LD. This leads me to why I am stupid. I am articulate, and have a lot of useless knowledge BUT I have a void in the area of my brain that is supposed to learn math. I am only on about a 4th grade level forever. There is nothing I can do from a legal standpoint. There are no pro-bono attorneys here. I have consulted them anyway. There are no laws against verbal abuse and it can't be proven anyway because recording is illegal. Unless some super rich attorney falls in love with me and rescues me I am trapped for a very long time. (hey now there's a modern fairytale). It's interesting that so many people hear the same advice and pass it along until they become the person trying to use that advice. There really are no resources, no free rides, no services for situations like mine. I wouldn't be lonely, desperate, and searching for comfort on the internet if I had something more proactive to do.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Betrayed,

I don't know where in IL you live; but, there are women's shelters in essentially every community. And there are legal clinics in every US metropolitan area I have lived in that provide pro bono legal sevices. And your LD does not keep you from working. Fouth grade math is fine for almost any non-technical occupation. You need a job if only for your self esteem. You are not the first person to face this challenge. I am sure there are options for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, not buying it. America has more charities than the rest of the world combined. You haven't done your homework because it's easier to stay the victim. If you only need that one class - and I know it because my daughter just took that class this semester for her Psych BS, and she had to take remedial math TWICE before it - do what it takes and get a tutor to get you through the class, even if you have to memorize the answers. Stop making excuses. 

I'm sorry for the harsh tone, but I've known lots of women in your shoes and I know how hard it is to make that break. Pick the stuff in your house that you want to keep, ask someone to keep it in their house for a few months, and start moving it out one item at a time. Start saving coins and $1 bills TODAY so that you have some money to fall back on. Start selling stuff you can live without on the web and save that money. Start searching your community for a volunteer tutor who will get you through the statistics course; you can start by asking United Way to help you find someone (United Way) and, while you're there, ask them what else they can do to help you get away. Start asking people you know if they can help you set up a plan for getting away; you never know who will step up and give you what you need.

btw, the reason people keep giving you the pamphlet schpiel is because IT IS WHAT WORKS for someone in your situation. You've just been beaten down so long that you now have learned helplessness. You should know that from your psych classes. YOU have to start telling YOURSELF to stop the stinkin' thinkin'. 

You can do it. You just have to have a plan.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

Well I joined for comfort not for harsh generalizations. You have no idea how hard I have tried. I went to tutoring for years just to get as far as statistics. I talked to everyone in administration at SIU. I wrote a letter to the chair of the psych dept. I even got a referral from the center that tested me for LDs saying that I could not pass statistics and asking if i could substitute. I was willing to take any non-math classes in place of the one I couldn't pass or the one i couldn't pass that i took in place of the one I couldn't pass (yes I tried that too). 

I don't know where these wonderful charities are that a few of you keep talking about. We DO NOT have those resources here. I have already been through that. I am not just sitting here on my ass making up excuses. I have exhausted all of my local resources. I have been trying for years!!!!! Also remember I have NO-ONE to help me get away or to keep my stuff for me. I have nothing to sell. Anything of value in this home belongs to my husband. 

Turnera- You haven't done MY homework

I live in a poor, ******* infested, cow town not some metro area full of services and shelters and charities. What little we had here was lost years ago due to Illinois being in debt, budget cuts, and because this is So. Il. not Chicago. Some great country this is.

I am not playing a victim. I am not here so that people can deny my reality or make it seem like I am not trying hard enough. If I wanted to have someone make me feel that way I could just go say "hi" to my husband.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

There are no laws against verbal abuse.
There are no free homes to live in
There is no free child care
There are no friends or family to help
There is NOT a college that will give me a degree without math
The women's shelter causes women to lose custody of their kids due to homelessness.

This IS my reality here in this town. I feel like i am repeating myself but I really feel that some of these details were overlooked in my initial posts.

If you aren't going to believe me then don't write to me. I don't need more insult to injury. I have been through enough already.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why did you marry him? And the children... you brought children into this too. 

It's very difficult to comfort someone who chose to be where they are.


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## misty baggens (Jun 1, 2012)

Coming from someone who has put up with verbal abuse for the very same reasons, I would say it is time to put your foot down. Tell him that you are no longer in love with him and it will do either one of two things, he will leave or he will wake up. Either way this life is not healthy for you or your kids and you are much stronger than you think. I can tell he has worn you down since you think you are stupid but honey I can tell you that you are not. If you were stupid, you would think that this behavior is normal. All mothers deserve respect and to be treated like just that, mothers. I bet he doesnt talk to his own mother that way and if he does, get the heck out of there. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. Take it from me, you can get out and move on to a happy life. I did it, so can you! :smthumbup:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know I write abruptly, so please bear with me; that's just how I write. Others will come and give you hugs and give you a temporary feel-good, while this is how I write.

Why don't you pick up the kids and move to a NOT-******* infested place that does have what you need to get away from him?

I'm not trying to hurt you, but I know from personal experience how easy it is to find a million reasons NOT to take that step of getting out. BTDT. And I know that coming to a forum just hoping to be commiserated with isn't going to help you. Is that really all you want? Or do you want to make a better life for your kids so they don't grow up like him?

If I hadn't had the persistent help from forum posters a few years back, who didn't let me just continue to complain but expected me to take actual steps to get help, I'd still be in your shoes. I didn't need posters to agree with me how bad I had it. I needed them to tell me what to do, to hold me accountable since I couldn't deal with anyone in real life, to check in on me and ask me what progress I was making toward that change, and to, yes, be harsh with me when I was wavering and making excuses.

I don't know where you live, so I'm including everything I can find except for Chicago, since I assume you don't live there. I hope you can find some help and support through some of these sites.

WomensLaw.org | Illinois: Where to Find Help

ILCADV

Illinois Women's Shelters | Women's Shelters in Illinois | Illinois Battered Women's Shelters Domestic Violence Shelters

Illinois Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org

Need Help? | www.asafeplace.org

DHS: Domestic Violence Agencies by City

Family Shelter Service: Home

Illinois Women Shelters - Help for Abused Women and Children

ILLINOIS ATTORNEY GENERAL

Abuse shelters - Illinois - Knights of Kindness

Domestic Violence Help - You Are Not Alone

Open Directory - Society: People: Women: Issues: Violence and Abuse: Domestic Violence: Shelters: United States

Illinois Divorce Resources, Illinois Divorce Law, Chicago Divorce, Lawyers

http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=32


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What my IC told me is that I have to stop propping my husband up, by leaving or setting high boundaries for what I will accept. That, once I do that, he will either fall flat on his face or he'll learn to behave. His choice, and it will no longer by my problem. HE is not going to change because he's getting what he wants - you propping him up. It has to come from you.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Every state has help for people who are in need. From housing to childcare etc.

If you can not or will not leave him though I think you need to get very serious about straightening out these problems with him. Verbal abuse can damage children even more than physical abuse.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm in Illinois and there is help out there if you care to seek it out.

OP you're not in prison. You can walk away at any time from your situation, you do have the freedom to do that. If you don't want to exercise your freedom to leave, then you're going to have to change the way you deal with your husband. You can't change him, you can only change yourself. One credit short of a Psych degree means you are fully aware of what to do and how to do it, so get to it already.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

betrayedmommy said:


> Well I joined for comfort not for harsh generalizations. You have no idea how hard I have tried. I went to tutoring for years just to get as far as statistics. I talked to everyone in administration at SIU. I wrote a letter to the chair of the psych dept. I even got a referral from the center that tested me for LDs saying that I could not pass statistics and asking if i could substitute. I was willing to take any non-math classes in place of the one I couldn't pass or the one i couldn't pass that i took in place of the one I couldn't pass (yes I tried that too).
> 
> I don't know where these wonderful charities are that a few of you keep talking about. We DO NOT have those resources here. I have already been through that. I am not just sitting here on my ass making up excuses. I have exhausted all of my local resources. I have been trying for years!!!!! Also remember I have NO-ONE to help me get away or to keep my stuff for me. I have nothing to sell. Anything of value in this home belongs to my husband.
> 
> ...


I think a good step for you would be to regain confidence in yourself so you can stand up for yourself and your children. Tolerating verbal or any kind of an abuse is in a way similar to encouraging it. And you want this to stop sooner than later since your children are involved in all this.

Try to figure out something that you are good at. You might not be good at Math, but I am sure you will be good at something else. I remember a post similar to yours where the lady who was being abused started a small home business (baking cakes and pastries) since she had similar constraints. She was in fact from a different country and in a way in a much more worse situation. Once you start perceiving yourself with little more respect and confidence I think you will get enough strength to take the next step (which would be either standing up for yourself or leaving) As someone mentioned on the thread, baby steps are what you need.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just thinking, if you're short the statistics course for the BS in psychology, why not get the BA instead? It's not as heavy on math and science and you may not need that course. Or see what other degree you can get that won't require it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thought, if you've worked so hard to get as far as you have, why stop just short of the finish line? Figure out another way to graduate.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

betrayedmommy said:


> Well I joined for comfort not for harsh generalizations. You have no idea how hard I have tried. I went to tutoring for years just to get as far as statistics. I talked to everyone in administration at SIU. I wrote a letter to the chair of the psych dept. I even got a referral from the center that tested me for LDs saying that I could not pass statistics and asking if i could substitute. I was willing to take any non-math classes in place of the one I couldn't pass or the one i couldn't pass that i took in place of the one I couldn't pass (yes I tried that too).
> 
> I don't know where these wonderful charities are that a few of you keep talking about. We DO NOT have those resources here. I have already been through that. I am not just sitting here on my ass making up excuses. I have exhausted all of my local resources. I have been trying for years!!!!! Also remember I have NO-ONE to help me get away or to keep my stuff for me. I have nothing to sell. Anything of value in this home belongs to my husband.
> 
> ...


Really? Your not playing victim? Interesting quote from someone who is just looking for "comfort". Interesting quote from someone who says they are stupid only to reveal she is a breath away from a 4 year degree. Leave the pos husband of yours and make something happen in your life. For God's sake if you cannot do it for yourself do it for your kids. If you cannot do anything but say "I can't" then save your breath. I guess all the experts and those on this board are just idiots in the end anyway so quit wasting your time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

betrayedmommy, you may just not be ready yet to leave him. Lots of women go through several false leavings before they finally really HAVE had enough and do leave. Only you will know when that is. Store the reactions and info you're getting here away in the back of your mind for the day when you finally have had enough, and then make a plan to leave. We all know you can do it; you just have to know it yourself. Good luck.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> Just thinking, if you're short the statistics course for the BS in psychology, why not get the BA instead? It's not as heavy on math and science and you may not need that course. Or see what other degree you can get that won't require it.


Short one class for my associates as well. They let me slide under the assumption that tutoring would give me the ability to make up both missing credits. In the end it worked out that I was one class away from both degrees and I even have extra classes that are 400 level + which btw I passed effortlessly since they weren't math. There are NO degrees available with low enough level math that I can pass. Already had my adviser research that. Besides even if by some miracle they were handing out free degrees here there are NO jobs besides walmart and McDonalds. I have already been fired from fast food because I don't understand what to do and my mom cleans toilets at walmart. Also they don't allow you to bring your kids to work so college or not I have no options.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Really? Your not playing victim? Interesting quote from someone who is just looking for "comfort". Interesting quote from someone who says they are stupid only to reveal she is a breath away from a 4 year degree. Leave the pos husband of yours and make something happen in your life. For God's sake if you cannot do it for yourself do it for your kids. If you cannot do anything but say "I can't" then save your breath. I guess all the experts and those on this board are just idiots in the end anyway so quit wasting your time.


Don't write to me if u are just looking for someone to bully. I already explained. Read my posts. I have nowhere to go. Tell the experts to help me then. I have been through hell and I need comfort NOT some cold, insensitive jerk's fake advice. I have tried my hardest and spent night after night crying that I can't find a way and yet I never stop searching and trying! I hope the other people on here aren't as mean as you are. You should be ashamed of yourself.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm not sure what you want us to say? You're in a crappy situation and you feel as though there's no way to get out. It sounds like you feel lonely and isolated and want to feel as though you have support. It's hard for people on the internet who haven't been through your situation and don't really know you to know whether you really have no resources or if you are just pitying yourself and want others to pity you too. Our first instinct is to do whatever we can to help, sitting here commiserating with you is not helpful.

The most important thing right now is for you to get out of your situation. If you don't think you can leave then you need to figure something out because if you don't lose your kids by moving to a shelter and becoming homeless, then you may lose them for not getting them out of this situation. They are being abused just as much as you are. 

If you have been able to make it to statistics, I don't understand why you are so insistent that you will fail. I am absolutely no good at math, I took a basic arithmetic class and two algebra classes in college because whatever I learned in high school just didn't stick. I still don't remember much of what I learned. I just graduated with a BS in Psych and I had to take that statistics course that you dread so much. Was it difficult? Very. I put my mind to it and didn't allow myself to fail. It could be that you have a learning disability if you absolutely cannot learn any math. I'm assuming that you are enrolled in classes online? Have you been tested for a learning disability?


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

seesah said:


> I'm not sure what you want us to say? You're in a crappy situation and you feel as though there's no way to get out. It sounds like you feel lonely and isolated and want to feel as though you have support. It's hard for people on the internet who haven't been through your situation and don't really know you to know whether you really have no resources or if you are just pitying yourself and want others to pity you too. Our first instinct is to do whatever we can to help, sitting here commiserating with you is not helpful.
> 
> The most important thing right now is for you to get out of your situation. If you don't think you can leave then you need to figure something out because if you don't lose your kids by moving to a shelter and becoming homeless, then you may lose them for not getting them out of this situation. They are being abused just as much as you are.
> 
> If you have been able to make it to statistics, I don't understand why you are so insistent that you will fail. I am absolutely no good at math, I took a basic arithmetic class and two algebra classes in college because whatever I learned in high school just didn't stick. I still don't remember much of what I learned. I just graduated with a BS in Psych and I had to take that statistics course that you dread so much. Was it difficult? Very. I put my mind to it and didn't allow myself to fail. It could be that you have a learning disability if you absolutely cannot learn any math. I'm assuming that you are enrolled in classes online? Have you been tested for a learning disability?


Retook the course the max amount they would allow. I can no longer take the class and have it covered by a pell grant. I already owe 3500 in student loans that my ex forced me to take out. Yes I have an ld. Wrote about that on page 1.


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## betrayedmommy (May 30, 2012)

I was really hoping that someone here might know something I don't know or have an idea that I haven't already tried. Didn't expect the mean posts although I guess I should have. If there was something I could do i wouldn't be randomly asking strangers for advice. I am lonely and sad and tired of dead ends. I just thought I would try. My life is misery. I wanted so much to be a normal mom with a normal husband and live happily ever after. It hurts so much when I see couples at the store and the guy is smiling and talking nicely to his wife/girlfriend and he is holding her hand or just gently touching her arm or back and leaning in while she is just looking at a price on a product or something. My husband yells at me in stores to hurry up and tells me I am doing it wrong. He walks around frowning with his arms crossed while tapping his foot impatiently and sighing loudly. I see my nice neighbors outside gardening together and talking and laughing. I have a garden that i have worked very hard on alone. I love my garden though. I wish i had someone to talk with and walk with and share my interests with. Just a companion to keep me company while I clean and do stuff sometimes. Someone to take care of me a bit when i am hurting from my arthritis. Someone to smile at me and touch me. Someone to make me smile when I am feeling sad and alone. My husband doesn't want or need any of that. He thinks that I just am a lesbian and I don't realize it. I see men who have emotions though all the time but I am sure they wouldn't want a 31 year old married mom with 3 kids. It's hard to keep this all to myself all of the time. I am alone with all of my fears, and disappointments, and pain. I figured telling strangers might help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bm, I really do understand what you're looking for. But please bare with me for a minute. There's a reason why everyone is giving you the same advice. It's because we want to HELP you. And we all know that comforting you is NOT going to help you. All it does is KEEP you in the place you are at.

You need to get OUT of this relationship - whenever, however, whatever you have to do. Either that, or you need to CHANGE yourself and how you react to him. 

Those are the ONLY two ways you will ever find happiness. Please trust me on this. I deal with dozens of people in your exact same situation, I know what I'm talking about. And I've been there myself. My husband is a sigher, a foot-tapper. I KNOW how it degrades your belief in yourself. I KNOW how hard it is to stand up to that treatment, to walk out of the room, to defend yourself.

And with your education, I know that YOU know these things, the learned helplessness you're exhibiting.

No one would want a 31 year old with kids? That's ridiculous. Tens of thousands of men marry such women every single year. MOST men, those who aren't abusive, WANT a loving, trustworthy, moral woman and a family to be part of. My own neighbor, whose wife died, recently married a wonderful woman like you with 3 kids and they all now live in his house and it's wonderful to watch them all working on the yard together, having fun together - they all got what they wanted - a family.

But you can't see it right now because he has beat you down mentally to the point that you think you are dirt.

If you aren't ready to walk just yet, then seek the other path - to change how you REACT to him. There are hundreds of ways you can do this. A few things to start:

Start putting money aside in an account he can't access, so you always have a way to get a cab, get a hotel, make a call, or get help.

Enact some boundaries about what you will tolerate. For example, if you are in a store and he yells at you, calmly say 'Please don't yell at me. If you yell again, I will leave and go home by myself.' If he yells again, and he will, without a word, you turn away and start walking to the door. You call a cab or go to a busstop or take the car, and you leave.

If he gets rude at home, you ask him politely to stop and if he doesn't, you leave the room. If he follows you, you leave the house. If he follows again, you get in a car or cab and go to a hotel. If he still follows, you call the police and file a report.

bm, you HAVE to start doing this, or you will never find peace. Worse still, your children will grow up to either be abusive, or they will be victims like you. Don't you want more for them? Do this for them.

We are here to help you find ways to move the bar. You just have to be willing to listen. I understand it may take you a long time; many abused women will try to leave a dozen times before they are finally truly done. We can help talk you to that point. But if you go away from here because you don't like the hardline advice, and just want comforting, then you will still be in the same place 30 years from now, and you will have wasted your whole life, out of fear. Please don't do that; for your kids' sakes.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Just wanted to say that I understand what you feel like, I've been there many times and it's a dark, dark place. I wanted to let you know that place (the one where you feel so horrible about yourself and your future aspects) is not real. The toxicity of your marriage and all the years spent in it has clouded reality for you. Only when you truly get away from him will the clouds start to lift and you can see things truly again. You ARE smart, you WILL meet someone else. That is reality. The price to pay to get there is to go through the pain of divorce (which personally I believe is the next step as you do not love him anymore). Hard at first, you and your kids will be far better off with the happier person you will become, it's just a hard road.

Good luck, and know that there's a lot who support can care about you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We do care! Please come back and update us!


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## Valley (Apr 24, 2012)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Your state should offer some type of childcare. My dh's sister just moved here from out of state and the government is paying for her childcare. She doesn't pay a dime. Its called Title 20. I'm sure they have something like that where you are.

Dh's other sister was in an extremely abusive relationship. The shelter packed her up and helped her. She went to a local church and they helped her get an apartment. The church banned together and got her furniture, clothes, food, carseats...you name it she was able to get it. They got money together for her 1st and 2nd months rent. 

If you have a disability you should be getting benefits. You would qualify for low income housing and you would pay a certain amount on what you were bringing in from that. Your children as well as yourself would get health benefits. If they have this where I live they have to have it where you live. 

Also I could never see a church turning you away. Please look into these things. If my sister in law can do it with a guy who beat the crap out of her daily you can too. Its not hopeless!!!


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