# How common IS IT that a man doesn't tell his W he loves her? A spin off from another thread. And vice versa.



## Ragnar Ragnasson

This is prompted from a post on another thread, can't recall which.

But the other gist was it appeared to reflect the common circumstance that a H never, or hardly ever, and apparently way not enough - tells his W he loves her.

How common really, is a man so entrenched in NOT saying I love you, that this one condition escalates into a major problem and resentment growing rift.

I'm trying to learn a bit.

Is this an extremely common circumstance and problem maker or was it exaggerated a bit?

And part B: why would a man purposefully NOT say it regularly, and of course vice versa.

The concept is alien to me. I understand it's a common trait assigned to a man, but how real is that societal stigma about men in general?

I know I can be insensitive at times but that's totally different from holding back from telling DW I love her. 

For me:
I try to be a good example for my boys in that they regularly see W and I be affectionate towards each other in a positive light. They learn from observation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I'm thinking some guys may not want to own up to some degree of this?


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## Married but Happy

With my first wife, as time went on I said I love you less and less, because she seemed to love me less and less (by word and action) - finally we split. This relationship it's a constant. Not every day, but many times a week. It's never routine or rote - it's always sincere and usually part of another discussion or activity.


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## sokillme

I say it when I feel it, it's almost uncomfortable to say it when I don't. But honestly I can't imagine a time where some part of me wouldn't love my wife. She deserves it.


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## Cletus

In the parlance of this forum, I'm a Acts of Service and Quality Time love language kind of guy. Which means I don't take a lot of interest nor stock in words, which are easy to say. I'm much more interested in how you show me you love me than in how you say you love me. That trait carries over into how I behave to others, naturally. I went on a trip for a week in October and left a quick "Bye bye, love you" note on the door for my wife who was not around when I left. It is still hanging right where I taped it because, in her words, "he never says it, so I keep the reminder". She is much more a Words of Affirmation person.


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## Always Learning

I've never had a problem saying it and did so often. But just like Cletus I am more of a show me person. Actions mean a lot more to me.

I remember several years ago we were having sex and I looked her right in the eye and "I Love You" and I got a blank stare in return. Kind of like the paralyzed deer in the headlights. She never said a word. I'll never forget that moment.


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## LisaDiane

My STBX said it ALL the time...however, when someone SAYS "I love you", but doesn't back it up with actual loving actions, what is the point?? I don't need to HEAR it...I need to FEEL it. He made me feel the opposite of loved...and I can only conclude that that's because he did NOT love me. And that's fine, but he shouldn't have pretended and lied.
I couldn't respect and trust a man who's words meant nothing.

Besides, why use words if there is no TRUTH behind them...?


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## MJJEAN

My husband tells me he loves me multiple times a day.
My dad told mom he loved her frequently in our hearing and I'm sure privately, as well.
My BIL, my BFF, husband's BFF, In-Laws, ex In-laws...all the men told their wives they loved them often in my hearing.


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## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> My STBX said it ALL the time...however, when someone SAYS "I love you", but doesn't back it up with actual loving actions, what is the point?? I don't need to HEAR it...I need to FEEL it. He made me feel the opposite of loved...and I can only conclude that that's because he did NOT love me. And that's fine, but he shouldn't have pretended and lied.
> I couldn't respect and trust a man who's words meant nothing.
> 
> Besides, why use words if there is no TRUTH behind them...?



My ex told me all the time too.

All the while he had a thing going with an ex gf, threw me under the bus constantly to placate his ex wife and snotty daughter as well as try to maintain a phony image.

He also did many things aimed at making himself feel better by making me feel like **** because while he liked having a younger, fit, high earning wife he was also very jealous of it.

So his "i love you's" meant nothing.

I'd rather feel loved then hear it if I had to choose.


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## joannacroc

My parents didn't say it to each other in front of me growing up but showed it in multiple ways - my mother always supported my dad's career, and did things with him that he liked even when she didn't feel like it. He tried to get her little gifts that he knew she'd like, like flowers, or scarves, and took us off her hands when he wasn't traveling so she could get a little me time. 

They said it to us constantly. Like another person here my XH told me he loved me and then screwed around. Have had other exes who have said it to me and meant it and backed it up with actions. Ideally, think it'd be nice to have both in a long-term relationship - saying AND demonstrating that they love you. Words are important to me,but if it's just words, and they aren't loving in other ways, then they don't mean a lot.

There is peace in being happy by and for yourself though. And not needing someone else's "I love you" to come in romantic form. I have a loving family, a wonderful son and good friends. Having a significant other is nice but it isn't necessarily meant to fill gaps that you have in yourself as a person. You have to do the work to fill those yourself.


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## lifeistooshort

I'm not that expressive of a person so I'm fine with limited verbal expressions of love. A lot of it makes me feel pressured to return it. I even struggle with telling my bf how good he looks even though I do sometimes, though I hope he knows because I hug him and have a lot of willing, great sex with him.

And I do a lot of other things for him.

But he's not very expressive either so maybe we're well matched that way.

He also displays none of the nasty shady red flags that my ex did.

I don't recall anyone telling anyone they loved them when I was growing up, but it never occurred to me that we didn't.

When my dad was dying of cancer he told me he loved me a couple of times and even then it was awkward, but he and I were thick as thieves and talked all the time. There was never a doubt that we loved each other.

He used to tell me "life, you and me are forever". The thought of him saying I love you invokes little in me, but that forever comment makes me tear up and he's been gone since 2012.


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## hamadryad

I can't say if guys do this with women, but it always seemed like the women who had insecurities for whatever reason, seemed to always put a lot of weight into the constant ILY. almost to the extent where it was needed for them to feel some comfort or validation..


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## kag123

H and I don't say I love you. I can't even remember the last time we did. 

It doesn't bother either one of us. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane

lifeistooshort said:


> When my dad was dying of cancer he told me he loved me a couple of times and even then it was awkward, but he and I were thick as thieves and talked all the time. There was never a doubt that we loved each other.
> 
> *He used to tell me "life, you and me are forever".* The thought of him saying I love you invokes little in me, but that forever comment makes me tear up and he's been gone since 2012.


BEAUTIFUL... 💜


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## moon7

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is prompted from a post on another thread, can't recall which.
> 
> But the other gist was it appeared to reflect the common circumstance that a H never, or hardly ever, and apparently way not enough - tells his W he loves her.
> 
> How common really, is a man so entrenched in NOT saying I love you, that this one condition escalates into a major problem and resentment growing rift.
> 
> I'm trying to learn a bit.
> 
> Is this an extremely common circumstance and problem maker or was it exaggerated a bit?
> 
> And part B: why would a man purposefully NOT say it regularly, and of course vice versa.
> 
> The concept is alien to me. I understand it's a common trait assigned to a man, but how real is that societal stigma about men in general?
> 
> I know I can be insensitive at times but that's totally different from holding back from telling DW I love her.
> 
> For me:
> I try to be a good example for my boys in that they regularly see W and I be affectionate towards each other in a positive light. They learn from observation.


Its been years i don't receive one "i love you", nor even when i say it, and i love saying it. 

2019 ive spent the whole year saying "i love you" and receiving "yeah, you should" as a response, and even my mother in law found it real weird and disrespectful, so after an entire year i stoped saying i loved him and i feel just losing this love. 

Now im really resentful against him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

One of the posts made me think back to my beginnings of relating to girls and women, as I dated and grew into young, young adult, and grown, if you will.

As I dated and had relationships, they were abundant and overlapped except rare, short times of exclusivity which I honored.

On saying I love you, my self made rule that I could live with is that I'd never say it casually and only say it to an eventual woman that I knew I wanted to marry.

And mentally perhaps it kept me on track, because I knew from a young age that many boys and men threw the I love you out willynilly in order to cross a physical threshold with a woman.

I told myself I wouldn't be one of "those guys".

I told myself I'd be a great date, boyfriend at times, have relationships to a certain degree, with much vigor, appreciation, enjoyment, and no guilt because I'd be honest even if certain women started to expect to hear it.

Because to me I could only love one woman when it was right and I'd only consider seeing just one woman only if it was the one I'd marry.

Because to me, saying I love you means something, means everything. 

To me, that that kept me mostly guilt free, when seeing different women, even overlapping, because I treated all with respect and never gave out false promises, ever.

So, when I finally said it, that was to my W, and that was it. 

After, we say it all the times, and I've purposefully shown my boys it's normal to tell family members you love them and it's good to hug on a regular bases. I hug the boys and grandkids, all the time. I want them to be closer and more affectionate than me and my brother, sister.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

moon7 said:


> Its been years i don't receive one "i love you", nor even when i say it, and i love saying it.
> 
> 2019 ive spent the whole year saying "i love you" and receiving "yeah, you should" as a response, and even my mother in law found it real weird and disrespectful, so after an entire year i stoped saying i loved him and i feel just losing this love.
> 
> Now im really resentful against him.


That's terrible.


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