# For Those Who Are Divorced....



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

What made you finally decide to divorce? I'm now struggling with this dicision. I've posted enough threads on here for everyone to know I've got a complicated mess. I'm really to the point I feel my husband is taking a passive aggressive stance and in his cowardly way trying to force me to file for divorce. 

We've been seeing a marriage counselor for a couple of months now. I'm going for the purpose of saving our marriage. He, however, is going for other reasons. He says he's going to get a reconciliation of our difference in order for us to get back together or have an amicable divorce. He doesn't know what he wants. I found out this weekend he's been seeing yet another women (during the time we've been separated and going to counseling). He says I'm not to push him in a corner; he needs time to make up his mind. But, I feel that I'm the one backed into the corner. I'm the one who is being destroyed both emotionally and financially.

I still love my husband, but his behavior is taking a toll on me. We are just from two different worlds. I am from a large farm and enjoy the simple things in life. My family is very strong and everyone is very practical. My husband is from a big city and enjoys the night life. His family has always been quite disfunctional (and he gets his advice from them). LOL


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

when you love someone, its harder to really leave.
my hubby and i are separated but live together ( well we all have odd situations) but a few of the girls in work are divorcing. 
i actually asked the one what happened.
she simply said she had made up her mind , she only felt like her husband was her friend. she did not love him, but his feelings were the opposite to hers and struggling to cope. 
she is in her 40's and also said i dont want to be in this marriage like this when im 60. i did see her point.
but she once she knew what to do, went for divorce asap and said she knew there was no going back and that had helped her. 

the 2nd girl in work after 19 years of being married. he was gambler and had affairs. i spoke to her and she just said im not having him back, i dont want , i have enough and again filed for divorce asap. her hubby did not want a divorce. 

i think the key here was doing the divorce asap and these girls did not go thorough too much confusion.
where as me, my hubby asked me for 6 months, thinking time, after he had a one night stand. to see if our waters cooled.
but my first hubby, i filed for divorce as soon as i found out about affairs. but there were other issues. but i knew hubby just had to go.
my 2nd hubby does not treat me nearly as bad as the first ever did.
thats why im just not making decisions, just living day by day.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi there 827Aug - I can feel your pain about the struggle to really make that final decision - "do I really file for divorce"? I am in the same boat & keep thinking - what if I am wrong about his lies & affairs (even though I have some pretty convincing evidence) - I am having a hard time bringing myself to end it. We are currently seperated. 
However, I have read many of your post & just replied to another one tonight - where you had given your husband the "list" of what you wanted from your marriage. I feell that alll those items on your list are perfectly acceptable & reasonable expectation to ask of a committed husband. But from what you are stating in the above post about your husband going to therapy more in the mind set of "how to make the divorce amicable" - I think you have your answer right there. 

Maybe you should be saving your money (from counseling) - sounds like it is pretty fruitless - if your husband in approaching the counseling with that mind set. I can imagine how frustrated you are when you want to try to save your marriage. But you can't do it on your own & if you husband is not willing to put in the effort then you have your answer. YOu can of course continue counseling to improve yourself & get some direction on how to rebuild your life with out him. But from the way he is acting, as painful as it must be, I don't think you have much of a choice but to end your marriage. YOu deserve better than this. . . .

Your time & money may be better spent meeting with a mediator to settle your divorce amicably (sp?). Although I am unclear how the whole process works & in the early stages of researching that myself. I think that both you & your husband both need a lawyer but through mediation - you & your husband try to come up with reasonable solutions to division of property, visitation ( if children involved), etc. And then once you & your husband come to some agreements, you have your individual lawyers review & get their legal counsel & recommendations & then possibly go back to re-negotiate. If I recall you have a business together with your husband - which will make things a bit more complicated. 
Even if you are not ready to throw in the towel - maybe you can get a consultation with a divorce lawyer to know & understand your rights. Because they say - knowledge is power. 

You mentioned your husband being cowardly for not askign for a divorce & forcing you to do it. Maybe it is his way of not feeling so guilty - that if you ask for it - he can justify that it was you who actually "physically" broke up your marriage. And down play his role - that it was through his actions (lies, cheating, deception, etc ) that have caused your marriage to get where it is today. 
I was dealing with issues of guilt about the same thing - that if i ask for the divorce - it is "me" that is breaking up our family. But have had to re-condition my thought process & now say " that due to my husband actions - of which I have no control" that I do not want to be a part of all the lies & deceit. And that I have given him more than enough chance to change, work on us, given 2nd, 3rd & 4th chances - I have exhausted all the options that I can possibly think of to see if we can save the marriage. 
How I making it easier for me to accept - is by saying that I do really feel that I have exhausted all my options & I can not make my husband change his ways. And that he has had ample time to change if he wanted to - but he has not ( the lies & deceit keep coming) that I have realized I need to look out for me 1st. And in doing that, that I can not & will not continue to live my life putting up with his lies & disrespect and the only way that is going to change is by my leaving. 

I think for you too - that divorce maybe the best & most healthy decision for both of us. (although it has been the thing we both have been fighting to avoid for some time) 
Keep me posted. . .


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