# Emotional distrust



## freedominforgivness (Sep 5, 2015)

To be clear, I don't believe that my husband has ever had sex with another woman since we have been married. We have been together over 17 years, & married for almost 15. We have 2 great children together that are now both in highschool. 
I have been dealing with severe depression and anxiety for about 3 years now. I have chronic pain in addition to this, and I have been in treatment for almost a year now trying to resolve my own issues & I am seeing specialist for my mental conditions.
Breif history lesson on my marriage, about 10 years ago I caught my H on an adult friends site, and was very unhappy about that, and I communicated that to him. Things were fine for about 3 years, and then I found out that he was sexting a woman he had met through online gaming. After discovering the conversations & the explicit photos, I confronted him. He was reluctant, but did apologize for his behavior. Then, a week or so later I discovered he had been emailing the same woman & telling her they needed to use email because his wife was suspicious. I confronted him again, and that was the end of it.
This summer I have observed him growing closer with another woman whom he has been friends with for maybe a year. They call each other several times a week, texting almost every day, several times a day. And one day when he is on the phone with her, he asked me if he could ride cross country with her on motorcycle. Wait. She is married and has kids, & so do you. I lost it so to speak, and later told him I felt jelious of the relationship between them. He told me there were no emotional feelings of any kind between them, & it was just a joke. I started to feel like I was parrinoid, but, I tried to move on anyway. But something still didn't feel right. A few weeks later I browse through his phone only to find pictures of her on his phone (all selfies), one of which was her in a bikini, & the others were in cute little tops. I then decide to look at their conversations & see that most of them have been deleted, but i did find that he told her that he had a wild dream about her that he will never be able to share with her.
I am feeling hurt an outraged. I know we cannot always control what we dream, but telling her that he had this dream, and the pictures she sent to him, all reak of trouble.
I waited 2 1/2 days to confront him about this. I thought I need to plan this conversation without using accusations, lots of i feel, instread of you did this, and I tried to be a understanding. The conversation went better than I expected. He did not blame me in any way for his actions, and he has apologized several times for hurting me, especially after I had a break down 2 weeks ago after drinking to much I told him how bad he really hurt me.
I told him that I forgave him, and I really do mean it. But every time his phone chimes that he has a new message, I am parrinoid that it is her. I have been trying to change my thoughts and ask God to take over. Sometimes I feel completely consumed by the thought that he will do it again, only to hide it better from me this time.
This doesn't feel to me like I have really forgiven him. I have been trying to catch myself every time I start thinking about it, and I keep telling myself that I have forgiven him. But I feel my sanity spinning out of control.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, your husband has had numerous emotional affairs. They often lead to physical affairs. You will see them refered to as an EA or a PA. (Also WS is common which means wayward spouse.) In the majority the cases here, they have.

At best they are a precursor they a PA. In some very real ways they are every bit as horrible as a PA in the grief for a loss marriage.
In your heart you believe the only reason why he did not commit adultery is you caught it in time to scare him enough to stop him. Worse, you feel it might be your fault for the reasons you gave un the start of yr thread. 

Understand his reaction is only on him and him alone. In life we cannot prevent msny things, nor can we control our feelings, but we can control both what we say and what we do. He has failed you because of his actions. 

Take the time to read the threads on EAs. You can use the advance search function to find a listing of hundreds.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are seriously ill and your husband has decided to consider that the "in sickness and in health" part of the ceremony means he gets to have affairs with other women. 

I would suggest couple's counselling, individual counselling and pain management counselling for you.

Your husband needs to man up and become the man you and your children deserve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

To me the EA part was much more devastating than the PA. Anyone that says "but we didn't get physical so it's not that bad" is full of sh1t. The betrayal lies in the thought process, not the physical activity. And for god's sake, do NOT allow yourself to believe that ANY of it is your fault. No matter what the situation is between you, he has numerous choices he could make and HE chooses to act like this. 

Based on the plurality of his indiscretions it sounds like he is not very cognizant or empathetic of what he is doing to you and that bodes for a tough road ahead to actually resolve any of this positively. Your lack of trust is well-warranted. I would recommend much harsher measures if you ever want a truly happy marriage or happy life in the future. Right now it doesn't sound like you are using nearly strong enough measures to deal with your situation.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

freedominforgivness said:


> *Sometimes I feel completely consumed by the thought that he will do it again, only to hide it better from me this time.*
> This doesn't feel to me like I have really forgiven him. I have been trying to catch myself every time I start thinking about it, and I keep telling myself that I have forgiven him. But I feel my sanity spinning out of control.


BECAUSE HE WILL!!!

You kinda seem to be hard on yourself for not forgiving him and not trusting him, like you should for some reason. This man does not deserve your trust. At all. And the guilt you seem to have over not being able to trust him is only making your anxiety worse. Not helping at all with your emotional/mental issues!


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

At this point you should neither trust him nor forgive him. He deserves neither and you should not feel bad in the least for not proffering him either one.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You are married to a serial cheat and liar. Sorry. 

Besides, he has no real incentive to stop, you confront him and he apologizes and you guys rig sweep. No actual consequences. 

If you're been on remaining married to him then consider accepting that this is what he does and don't worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I don't mean to hurt you (I really don't), but even if he hasn't had a PA he is a serial betrayer and clearly does not love you. My best advice is to ensure you get the counseling you need and then file for divorce. He has, is and will bring you nothing but heartache and sorrow with his lies.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you think that your forgiveness means that the problem goes away, that it's in the past, over. And then you chastise yourself for worrying about it.

Your husband has been cheating on you. You've been talking yourself out of believing it.

He won't stop because he knows that he can snow you. He's having fun with these other women and has no reason to change his ways.

Sorry, but you need to get tough or this will never change. If you think that you want to do something productive about it, stick with this thread. People here will help you do what you have to do to find the truth and make decisions.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, I thought this goes without saying, but in case it doesn't, you shouldn't believe for a minute that he has stopped contact with the woman he was texting with. I'm willing to bet a lot that they didn't miss a beat.


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## freedominforgivness (Sep 5, 2015)

It's really not that simple for me. We have had 4 different conversations about this issue since I found out 3 weeks ago. I also confronted the OW on the same day via IM. She denied anything other than a friendship with my H, and says she never sent anything inappropriate to him. I happen to disagree as bikini pics are inappropriate to send to any man other than your own husband.

I was much more polite to her than I wanted to be, but I grit my teeth because I do not have all of the facts. I did ask my H what he thought he hubby would think about her sending him bikini pics, & I think he actually realized what it might be like in the other persons shoes. 

I started to forgive after I confronted him & he apologized for his actions and hurting me. I said that it will take time to trust again, & that I don't know if I could forgive him if it happens again. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up at this time. He has been my best friend for the last 3 years, he is a really good father to our children, and I truly believe we are soulmates. I don't want to make excuses for him, but no one in his family has had a lasting marriage. 

Maybe I am only fooling myself. All I know is God doesn't want me to give up on him now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are his soulmate, right enough.

Sadly, he is your a*soulmate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

freedominforgivness said:


> Maybe I am only fooling myself.


I understand your brave optimism and reasons behind it. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Odds are your statement above is the truth you will discover sooner or later. Hoping you fair better than I.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I can understand about forgiveness etc but you are making things too easy for him, if there are no consequences he WILL do it again. Y

You need to contact the OW's H and inform him, it is only right that he knows that his wife is sending totally inappropriate pics to your H, he has to have that information to work on his marriage or do whatever he thinks is right.

You have to get MC to thrash out these issues in your marriage as they will not go away just because you forgive him. He is 'cheating' on you, regardless of whether he had sex or not, cheating means he is giving to other women what he should be sharing with you alone as his wife. Do not blind yourself to this.


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