# Wanting to leave sometimes



## SeJD123 (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi all,

First I am confused about what to do/think/feel and considering divorce. But also dreading what I would have to go through and the post-divorce scenario. Here is my background - 

I met my wife 10 yrs ago when I was 26 and she was 22 - we got married last year. Her family didn't approve of me initially (religious differences - they are muslim and I am non-muslim). We lived & dated for the first 2-3 years in the same city but spent the next 5 yrs in a long distance relationship due to her attending medical school across the country. 

For the last couple of years, we have started lived in the same city (I moved to the East coast for a great job). I was also feeling ready for marriage for the past few years while she was not yet ready (she wanted to lose weight, pass her board exams, & get her MD degree). Coming from an immigrant family I had pressure from my parents as the last unmarried person in my extended family and I wanted to make them happy at that time. So in the end after she felt pressured and we convinced each other that we both wanted to do it, we got married with only my family present at a small wedding. We thought that both of us were good for each other, with differences in opinion about the timing of the marriage.

Her family now accepts me (after my wife became 30) and my wife wants to re-do our marriage for them (they are the only people who don't know yet that we are married). Beyond this hiding around like teenagers there are several other problems that are bothering me and making me reconsider whether i made the right decision to marry her.

1. I have forgotten why I fell in love with her in the first place due the lengthy long distance relationship. I also didn't want to break up due to the time I had invested - I tried to break up a couple of times and each time she convinced me that we had shared too much to give up. I was not sure if I could find someone compatible and at my level and didn't like to "quit".

2. Her weight has been bothering me but I always made excuses to myself as she IS beautiful and only needs to lose some pounds. But she struggles with losing it and complains to me about it as well - she goes on a special diet and yet eats fatty unhealthy foods or skips breakfast for a big lunch/dinner saying she needs the energy to study. She basically forbids me from talking about her weight so I cannot talk about it now.

3. Whenever we have arguments she constantly interrupts and doesn't let me voice my thoughts. She basically gets defensive and simply refuses to listen to my POV. She is a fantastic listener with her patients at the hospital or with other professionals she has to work with. But with me or our friends, she interrupts to voice her own thoughts without trying to understand them fully. So when we have disagreements, we end up with even more disagreements as we cannot even discuss what we are disagreeing about. She constantly interrupts and doesn't let me talk and just excuses that behavior as "oh it is a male-female thing, we women can talk over each other". 

I have been working since I immigrated here and I make a good living by simply living within my means, getting training to move up and investing properly. I am now supporting her with my work while she studies for her board exams and I dislike watching my savings evaporate due her spendthrift ways (which have thankfully stopped in the last few months) and loan payments (she used to spend her loan money on clothes, shoes in the past rather than use them wisely thinking she would earn more as a doctor).

I feel disrespected and feel like I have "settled" for someone who is not a good fit for me (appearance, emotional, communication). She keeps giving excuses such as she spent money because she felt empty due to her being pressured to marry (she says I would have broken up with her if she didn't and she didn't want to lose me when I asked her if she was sure). She is a fantastic lady and we laugh often enough but I feel the negatives are out-weighting the positives even though she keeps insisting that she will get a job in 2 months and will being to contribute and that she will try to listen more and is losing weight.

I am confused if I should even try to continue this relationship as I am feeling unhappy and feel drained financially, emotionally. But I also don't like to give up something that made me happy in the past and being with someone who knows my flaws after 10 years and accepts it.

Hopefully I have given a coherent narrative and some one can give some feedback. I have made some friends in the last couple of years in the east coast, but they are not as close as my old friends out west and I feel I cannot talk to anyone as a sounding board as they all either know her or I don't know them well enough. I always had trusted only a few good friends and most of us kinda fell apart after a bad business deal and the rest are are now going through their own issues so cannot talk to them either. Thanks...


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

This sounds like it might not be a good fit. You two were pressured into marriage which isn't good. Also, when each spouse are a different faith from each other, it make for a difficult marriage. There seems to be a lot of interference from the outside. If this is to work, it will take a lot of compromise from both of you. There will need to be a lot of communication. Your both have limit how much control both your families have on you both.
May this been of help to you.


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## SeJD123 (Jun 11, 2012)

Our families are not involved in day to day events and we are basically causing our own issues. Beyond pressuring me/us for marriage my family isn't doing anything now - so no interference. Religion isn't a problem either - it initially was but not now.

We just don't seem to click when communicatng or thinking about finances/ways to spend. 



jenniferswe said:


> This sounds like it might not be a good fit. You two were pressured into marriage which isn't good. Also, when each spouse are a different faith from each other, it make for a difficult marriage. There seems to be a lot of interference from the outside. If this is to work, it will take a lot of compromise from both of you. There will need to be a lot of communication. Your both have limit how much control both your families have on you both.
> May this been of help to you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

Yes. What to do about finances can be hard on marriage. Maybe a 3rd party can help sort it out. Talking to financial adviser might help.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

1. I have forgotten why I fell in love with her in the first place due the lengthy long distance relationship. I also didn't want to break up due to the time I had invested - I tried to break up a couple of times and each time she convinced me that we had shared too much to give up. I was not sure if I could find someone compatible and at my level and didn't like to "quit".

If you don't recall why you love your wife then perhaps thinking and rememebering how it was in the early days may help refresh your memory. Time cannot be recouped. If you are sincere in not wanting to have "wasted" your time with your wife then sincerly work on making it work by considering the plus' in your relationship instead of counting out all the negative. I don't know how anyone would feel better looking at only the negative side of things. 

2. Her weight has been bothering me but I always made excuses to myself as she IS beautiful and only needs to lose some pounds. But she struggles with losing it and complains to me about it as well - she goes on a special diet and yet eats fatty unhealthy foods or skips breakfast for a big lunch/dinner saying she needs the energy to study. She basically forbids me from talking about her weight so I cannot talk about it now.

If your wife only needs to loss a few pounds and is a beauty why does her weight concern you? I would likely forbid someone talking to me about my weight if they made loving me part of the issue. Sounds like you are. 

3. Whenever we have arguments she constantly interrupts and doesn't let me voice my thoughts. She basically gets defensive and simply refuses to listen to my POV. She is a fantastic listener with her patients at the hospital or with other professionals she has to work with. But with me or our friends, she interrupts to voice her own thoughts without trying to understand them fully. So when we have disagreements, we end up with even more disagreements as we cannot even discuss what we are disagreeing about. She constantly interrupts and doesn't let me talk and just excuses that behavior as "oh it is a male-female thing, we women can talk over each other".

I come from a large Italin family and we argue loudly and over each other. No one means a bit of disrespect it is simply how we do it. Could this be part of the pattern for you wife? 


I have been working since I immigrated here and I make a good living by simply living within my means, getting training to move up and investing properly. I am now supporting her with my work while she studies for her board exams and I dislike watching my savings evaporate due her spendthrift ways (which have thankfully stopped in the last few months) and loan payments (she used to spend her loan money on clothes, shoes in the past rather than use them wisely thinking she would earn more as a doctor).

If her spendthrift ways have stopped why do you feel the need to mention them here and add as an aside they have stopped? 

I feel disrespected and feel like I have "settled" for someone who is not a good fit for me (appearance, emotional, communication). She keeps giving excuses such as she spent money because she felt empty due to her being pressured to marry (she says I would have broken up with her if she didn't and she didn't want to lose me when I asked her if she was sure). She is a fantastic lady and we laugh often enough but I feel the negatives are out-weighting the positives even though she keeps insisting that she will get a job in 2 months and will being to contribute and that she will try to listen more and is losing weight.

You feel you have settled? Perhaps it would be best to move on now before you invest any more time. You don't sound so much like you are asking for help to save your marriage as help to leave it. Just my opinon mind you. 


I am confused if I should even try to continue this relationship as I am feeling unhappy and feel drained financially, emotionally. But* I also don't like to give up something that made me happy in the past and being with someone who knows my flaws after 10 years and accepts it.*


Perhaps you could return the favor and accept her flaws and still love her??


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## SeJD123 (Jun 11, 2012)

- I am trying to reignite the spark from old days. But feeling confusedif I made a mistake marryin her

- her weight is her business except when I have to pay over 500$ a month for nutritonal packets and diet program

- her old bad $ habits are hard to move past as I am paying for it with my salary every month. On top of othr monthly expenses.

- you are right that I am focusing on the negatives. Because I only see growing debt, inability to be free in the relationship to voice my thoughts, inability to even deal with issues due to communication styles.

I am at the point where I prefer a do-over rather than try to fix something that is out of my control or ability.



LastDance said:


> 1. I have forgotten why I fell in love with her in the first place due the lengthy long distance relationship. I also didn't want to break up due to the time I had invested - I tried to break up a couple of times and each time she convinced me that we had shared too much to give up. I was not sure if I could find someone compatible and at my level and didn't like to "quit".
> 
> If you don't recall why you love your wife then perhaps thinking and rememebering how it was in the early days may help refresh your memory. Time cannot be recouped. If you are sincere in not wanting to have "wasted" your time with your wife then sincerly work on making it work by considering the plus' in your relationship instead of counting out all the negative. I don't know how anyone would feel better looking at only the negative side of things.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It seems like she wants you for many reasons including financial. You really have to put your foot down. As a muslim most likely her father is also boss in his home.
Either talk to her or write her a letter, something similar to what you have written here and have it out with her.
If a woman disrespects her husband which seems to be the case here matters will only get worse. You seem to be doing your best, and if its not good enough for her, youre best out.


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