# Is it normal to fantasize about other men?



## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..

Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed. 

Anyhow last time he was over, he shook his hand with my husband and to me instead he said "I want to give you a hug." Since then, have been thinking about him and fantasizing of escaping my marriage. He is going to be house watching out home while we go away overseas for 6 months and I fantasize of me staying with him and letting my husband leave alone. 

Is this normal? Can it be a middle-life crisis?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...


Well I was going to reassure you that occasionally fantasizing about others was probably pretty normal but you are actually lusting after someone you and your husband both know and interact with.

That's very bad news and the boy better watch his step especially since your husband is grumpy.

Work on your marriage. Your husband might have declining health which should always be considered and checked.

Low T can cause irritability among other things.

He should get some blood work done to check out several areas.

I'm assuming your communication has suffered because I'm guessing you wouldn't be having this conversation with him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's not good. I don't even think it's normal. I think it's just a symptom of a broken relationship. Maybe you and your husband need to get into marriage counseling.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s step #1 in having an affair and getting a divorce. Not uncommon at all, sadly.
About as uncommon as divorces.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Well I was going to reassure you that occasionally fantasizing about others was probably pretty normal but you are actually lusting after someone you and your husband both know and interact with.
> 
> That's very bad news and the boy better watch his step especially since your husband is grumpy.
> 
> ...


Eeek, are you saying that this something I should be talking to my husband about?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> Eeek, are you saying that this something I should be talking to my husband about?


LoL! You might be a ways off from that level of transparency but it is a good indicator of a need to improve.🙂


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s step #1 in having an affair and getting a divorce. Not uncommon at all, sadly.
> About as uncommon as divorces.


I have fantasized in the past and didn't divorce back then, but mostly people I barely know, actors or people who mostly ignored me. This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...

It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game with him and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!

It's just odd!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good grief.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that the ''magical'' connection you're feeling with the neighbor is what you miss and wish you had with your husband. Maybe find some time to get away with your husband and rebuild _that _connection. Counseling may help, too. Talking with someone objective may help you and your husband to find better ways to communicate. If you read some of the stories on here of people who have had affairs, they all end in disaster.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Maryjean76 said:


> This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...


Nip it in the bud if you value your marriage. 
That magical connection will fade. 
True love comes from years of knowing the other person. It’s a quiet, peaceful knowledge they have been there, and will be there through thick and thin.

If my wife finds someone attractive she wouldn’t be afraid to tell me. Both ways. 
Should be able to discuss anything in a marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have fantasized in the past and didn't divorce back then, but mostly people I barely know, actors or people who mostly ignored me. This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...
> 
> It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!
> 
> It's just odd!


Might be synchronicity. Might be a sign you are supposed to be together and need to work on issues that can be worked on.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your single neighbor probably wants to have sex with you, but could care less when your marriage explodes and you get outed to all your friends and family, and hubby's family, as a cheating wife. Your life as you knew it will be a pile of ashes. Your neighbor will still probably want to have lots of no strings attached sex with you until he finds a woman his age or younger he wants to settle down and commit to. I'm sure he'll thank you for all the good times, meanwhile you'll be a 45 yr old recent divorcee and known cheater looking to start over. Does this sound worth it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Congratulations, you are now in an emotional affair.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Are you only fantasizing about this guy or do you think you would cheat on your husband with him? Just curious. 


Maryjean76 said:


> Anyhow last time he was over, he shook his hand with my husband and to me instead he said "I want to give you a hug."


Call me a prude, but besides my husband, I wouldn't let any other man hug me. I would've laughed it off and said something like, "a handshake's good!" There's no other man besides my husband I'd let get that close to me, to feel my chest against his, to smell my hair and perfume. These things are reserved for my husband only. Again, maybe I'm a prude.


Maryjean76 said:


> He is going to be house watching out home while we go away overseas for 6 months and I fantasize of me staying with him and letting my husband leave alone.





Maryjean76 said:


> It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!
> 
> It's just odd!


Maybe he's just being friendly especially since he's "house watching" for you and perhaps he just wants a friendly relationship with you both? Or maybe he's flirting, maybe he wants more. I don't know.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

*Deidre* said:


> I think that the ''magical'' connection you're feeling with the neighbor is what you miss and wish you had with your husband. Maybe find some time to get away with your husband and rebuild _that _connection. Counseling may help, too. Talking with someone objective may help you and your husband to find better ways to communicate. If you read some of the stories on here of people who have had affairs, they all end in disaster.


I can see this possibly happening. Hubby and I work at home and spend most time together. It doesn't help that several years back I found what I felt was strong proof of him having an affair with a girl in his office, but then he told me it was his boss that had an affair with her and his boss called me to confirm this, but still can't get over it...it's been like over 15 years ago and still bothers me at times. Still as of today I confront him every now and then about this when I feel insecure/vulnerable and he keeps saying nothing ever happened. 

Sure this doesn't justify my feelings for this guy, but I hope not to find out the truth when I am old, wasted my time with a person who doesn't deserve me and there's no going back. I cannot forgive cheating.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have fantasized in the past and didn't divorce back then, but mostly people I barely know, actors or people who mostly ignored me. This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...
> 
> It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game with him and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!
> 
> It's just odd!


IF you want to really fix your marriage, you need to NOT be hanging around with this guy, having him over for game night, and get someone else to watch your house. Him being a single third wheel, with obvious designs on you -- BAD NEWS for your marriage (unless you WANT to cheat and have your H divorce you...)
YOU have the power to stop this. You are trying to "escape" your issues in your marriage by fantasizing, but you are doing it with someone you know well -- BAD idea. You need to stop having ANY interaction with him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Maryjean76 said:


> I can see this possibly happening. Hubby and I work at home and spend most time together. It doesn't help that several years back I found what I felt was strong proof of him having an affair with a girl in his office, but then he told me it was his boss that had an affair with her and his boss called me to confirm this, but still can't get over it...it's been like over 15 years ago and still bothers me at times. Still as of today I confront him every now and then about this when I feel insecure/vulnerable and he keeps saying nothing ever happened.
> 
> Sure this doesn't justify my feelings for this guy, but I hope not to find out the truth when I am old, wasted my time with a person who doesn't deserve me and there's no going back. I cannot forgive cheating.


It sounds like you've carried this anxiety around for a long time, believing that your husband may have had an affair. Counseling on your own might help and marital counseling could be good for you both to get these things out in the open. But, even if you were to find out tomorrow that your suspicions were true, I'd recommend divorcing before having an affair. I think you should find a counselor for yourself, and then see if your husband will join.

That said, I think if I had strong evidence that my husband was cheating, I wouldn't stay no matter what he'd say. So, if you have felt like you've stayed all these years with a man who may have cheated, I can understand the resentment you may be feeling. There's a lot to unpack here, but the neighbor won't be helpful to any of it. He's just a symptom of your unhappiness with your husband, right now.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Does your husband seem grumpy after you started fantasizing about the neighbour or did you start fantasizing after your husband got grumpy?

A single, 35 year old man would probably bang a 45 year old woman casually, whether she could roll a 7 and carried a nail or not.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Maryjean76 said:


> _*...but then he told me it was his boss that had an affair with her and his boss called me to confirm this...*_


Good Lord - he actually talked his boss into taking the fall *fo*r him and had the boss call you? And you _*believed*_ that nonsense phone call?

Come on, OP.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Are you only fantasizing about this guy or do you think you would cheat on your husband with him? Just curious.
> 
> Call me a prude, but besides my husband, I wouldn't let any other man hug me. I would've laughed it off and said something like, "a handshake's good!" There's no other man besides my husband I'd let get that close to me, to feel my chest against his, to smell my hair and perfume. These things are reserved for my husband only. Again, maybe I'm a prude.
> 
> ...


No you are not a prude, you are wise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...


Whether it's normal or not is irrelevant. It is playing with fire though. You are a married woman and not free to get close to another guy.
It's a good thing that you and your husband are going away for 6 months, don't contact him during that time.
You need to both work on the marriage, maybe with a good marriage counselor.

You aren't helpless about the fantasising. You can control what you think about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What’s weird is how when a woman or man gets a childish crush on another, apparently even the most minute, bizarre things they can twist and spin in their minds to make them believe the other person us their “soulmate”.
She rolled a seven. Lol.
I’ll bet he finishes her sentences next. Like she will say “the sky is really ….” And he’ll say “blue” and she will think to herself that he is practically inside her head, they are so close.
OP, get a hold of yourself. Are you really gonna be banging your neighbor because your husband is grumpy?
Just divorce if you don’t like your husband. Save the soulmates for after like a respectable person does.

BTW, your neighbor wanting a hug? If I was your husband his sorry ass would have been shown what grumpy really looks like when my size 13 booted him back across the street. Of course, mr Grumpy may have thought his wife had a little more loyalty than to allow the first dude that gave his wife a hug to start rolling 7’s and dodging matrix bullets in her mind.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Your question is very different from your post. Is it normal to fantasize occasionally about other men? Sure. Is it normal to construct a whole other life in your mind from the one you and your husband have together? I don't know. But it sounds deeply unhealthy. If you are so unhappy with your husband, go into therapy together or leave him. Don't have an affair, even an emotional one which is what you're heading towards. That's the coward's way out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Crushes are very normal. It’s what actions you take that determine what kind of person you are.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The only time I fantasized about other men was when the connection with my 2 exes was broken.

I still feel connection to my bf of 3 1/2 years so other men don't cross my mind beyond noticing good looking ones.

If your marriage isn't working for you then leave it, but forget this guy. It has nothing do to with him. I know the temptation as I had it too, but I chose to leave my ex then see what was out there.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

I read your other threads and all you have is complaints about your husband-he's a real gem. In your last thread you were contemplating divorce, what happened?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

manwithnoname said:


> Does your husband seem grumpy after you started fantasizing about the neighbour or did you start fantasizing after your husband got grumpy?
> 
> A single, 35 year old man would probably bang a 45 year old woman casually, whether she could roll a 7 and carried a nail or not.


It’s funny how over and over, you can see signs of the wayward mindset at work in coming up with justication of why they can step out. 

With both of them working from home, I can see feeling like they’re in a rut leading to grouchiness on his part and a wondering eye on her part. She didn’t mention kids but with this being a marriage of 24 years, I imagine there Must have been at least one. Empty nest syndrome can also play a part in their lack of emotional connection.

Right now she’s in some seriously dangerous territory. If a hug has her fantasizing of running off to unicorn land, he wouldn’t have to do much before he’s banging her.

Not sure if he fancies her, but I seriously doubt that a 35 year old bachelor is going to want to run off with a 45 year old cheating wife. All that will happen is she will be a plate he spins for a while, until they’re caught. Then he goes on with his life looking for a keeper of a woman and she is off to divorce land complete with the shame of her family and friends knowing the reason.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good Lord - he actually talked his boss into taking the fall *fo*r him and had the boss call you? And you _*believed*_ that nonsense phone call?
> 
> Come on, OP.


Eh, my past bosses would have jumped at the opportunity to throw me under the bus. My current boss and I are very tight, but I highly doubt he would be willing to do such a thing for me, and he's no saint.

I guess it would depend on his relationship with the boss op?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m a man and I wouldn’t even consider lying in that way for my best friend who is like a brother. Of course, he’d never ask me too. Far too much honor and dignity, abd he’d know my answer


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have fantasized in the past and didn't divorce back then, but mostly people I barely know, actors or people who mostly ignored me. This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...
> 
> It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game with him and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!
> 
> It's just odd!


You're in the fantasy land created by a crush. It isn't real. This guy should back off and so should you. If you aren't happy in your marriage then either put 100% effort into fixing it or get out properly. Either way this guy should be off limits until everything is settled in either direction. I think this man is aware of your interest. I bet you are telegraphing it in ways you aren't even aware .if he is playing romance games with a married woman he is a slime ball.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Your husband sounds like he is suffering from a classic case of low testosterone. I have been there and experienced the grumpy attitude, no sex drive, etc. Get him to see a urologist for testing. If he is low and starts treatment, you will see the old him back in a short period of time.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There’s no way I would lie for a friend, let alone a coworker, that I was having an affair so he could save his @ss. I suspect that this supposed affair from years ago, is part of her justification process. It won’t be long before this guy picks up on the cougar vibe that she’s giving out and she destroys her marriage of 24 years.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I can see this possibly happening. Hubby and I work at home and spend most time together. It doesn't help that several years back I found what I felt was strong proof of him having an affair with a girl in his office, but then he told me it was his boss that had an affair with her and his boss called me to confirm this, but still can't get over it...it's been like over 15 years ago and still bothers me at times. Still as of today I confront him every now and then about this when I feel insecure/vulnerable and he keeps saying nothing ever happened.
> 
> Sure this doesn't justify my feelings for this guy, but I hope not to find out the truth when I am old, wasted my time with a person who doesn't deserve me and there's no going back. I cannot forgive cheating.


Why would your husband's boss risk his family, career/job, and reputation to take the fall for your husband's affair? That doesn't make any sense at all.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jsmart said:


> There’s no way I would lie for a friend, let alone a coworker, that I was having an affair so he could save his @ss. I suspect that this supposed affair from years ago, is part of her justification process. It won’t be long before this guy picks up on the cougar vibe that she’s giving out and she destroys her marriage of 24 years.


Men do this for other men quite often. Bros before hos and all that. 

But if the OP is still upset about the affair from years ago, she should deal with THAT, not run around with some guy who is clearly just fascinated by being the "other man." There's just nothing but red flags all around that situation.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men do this for other men quite often. Bros before hos and all that.
> 
> But if the OP is still upset about the affair from years ago, she should deal with THAT, not run around with some guy who is clearly just fascinated by being the "other man." There's just nothing but red flags all around that situation.


Bros before hos. .... My god does that bring back memories 🤣. But that is something I grew out of in my mid 20s.

I think I am going to call my wife a ho this evening just to see what witty response she has for me 🤣🤣. My wife could keep up with a locker room full of high testosterone talking college football players 😂


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men do this for other men quite often. Bros before hos and all that.


Unscrupulous women as well as men. It's not a gender specific issue.

I wouldn't, and haven't, quite the opposite actually.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Crushes are very normal. It’s what actions you take that determine what kind of person you are.


Yes..
Unlike getting crushed by lemon sized hail.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

manwithnoname said:


> Does your husband seem grumpy after you started fantasizing about the neighbour or did you start fantasizing after your husband got grumpy?
> 
> A single, 35 year old man would probably bang a 45 year old woman casually, whether she could roll a 7 and carried a nail or not.


He has been grumpy for a loong time, much time before.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Are you only fantasizing about this guy or do you think you would cheat on your husband with him? Just curious.
> 
> Call me a prude, but besides my husband, I wouldn't let any other man hug me. I would've laughed it off and said something like, "a handshake's good!" There's no other man besides my husband I'd let get that close to me, to feel my chest against his, to smell my hair and perfume. These things are reserved for my husband only. Again, maybe I'm a prude.
> 
> ...


Well, to be honest there was no chest against his really, and he couldn't smell my hair. I am quite shy and was a bit embarrassed so I kept myself far and was sort of shocked. Plus with the pandemic, I am not much into hugs or kisses (on the cheek) with people I know. Indeed, I asked my hubby later that evening if it looked rude how far I kept myself.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good Lord - he actually talked his boss into taking the fall *fo*r him and had the boss call you? And you _*believed*_ that nonsense phone call?
> 
> Come on, OP.


Well, the proof I had wasn't really like finding him in bed with the girl. I just found in his wallet an email, my husband got all flushed in the face when I found it and I got suspicious.

So I tried to crack the password and was successful and in the email there was a picture of this girl that works in his office bathing in the sun at a beach. So I confront him and he tells me that this email he made it for his boss who is single and wanted to date the girl in the office and since he wasn't good in technology (this was many years ago) my husband made it for him.

Things got worse when I also found a condom in my husband's wallet but we had recently moved and I think he placed it there when he found it in a drawer and we already had packed everything and forgot it there.

I was ready to leave him and he went to his boss home to sleep and got drunk. His boss kept calling me all night but I wasn't answering, and then I did and he told me that it was him that was having an affair with this girl (I found it a bit odd because he's older than the girl and less attractive than my hubby, but it was also true he flirted with any girl and even went to bed with a lady he talked to in a bar the same night, my husband always told me women fell at his feet all the time) and the same story my hubby told me.

I then asked him, OK, if this is true, then tell me what the password is for this email, and he told me correctly. He also told me he would call this girl and secretly put me on the other line to listen and prove to me that they were the ones having an affair. I said I don't need to hear that, but that it would take a big leap of faith to believe this story, and he told me my husband loves me deeply and never saw a man in love like him etc etc and then asked me if I could please talk to my hubby.

I got worried at this point because my husband was drunk heavily and could barely talk to me. I woke him up every half hour checking on him until he drove back the morning after and that's it.

I still debate on this story. I know in my heart that there is this 10 percent or 1 percent chance that it is true he didn't cheat.

My hubby tells me though that, if he cheated, he could never hide it to me, yet he knew I didn't like men who watch porn and I caught him twice watching it and he told me he wasn't watching it and that I don't trust him, but then I showed him the evidence and he admitted, and when I tell me how can I trust you that you didn't cheat on me if you lied to me about the porn, he tells me he was too embarrassed about the porn and that watching porn is different than cheating bla-bla-bla.

When I bring back this topic, he gets very upset. He swears on his mom he didn't cheat, and acts very credible even times we were really fighting to the point of thinking to talk to a lawyer, he never admitted and I could cry for hours and never get anything out from him....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If you're upset that he cheated, the answer is not to cheat yourself. Not only will it do nothing to make you feel better about his betrayal, you will feel worse about yourself for being the kind of person who cheats. 

If you believe that he was unfaithful the answer is divorce, not revenge sex with another man.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you're upset that he cheated, the answer is not to cheat yourself. Not only will it do nothing to make you feel better about his betrayal, you will feel worse about yourself for being the kind of person who cheats.
> 
> If you believe that he was unfaithful the answer is divorce, not revenge sex with another man.


Hi, I don't think I am really seeking revenge. If that was the case, I could have done that years ago, when I had several opportunities. I guess what I am looking for is some support system to give me the strength to leave, but then I am not sure if I would unless the supportive person would be reliable to be more like a long-term anchor rather than a temporary crutch. I may be idolizing things though as if in search of a soul mate who respects me and sees the world more positively.

Please note that I don't have 100 percent proof hubby really cheated on me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi, I don't think I am really seeking revenge. If that was the case, I could have done that years ago, when I had several opportunities. I guess what I am looking for is some support system to give me the strength to leave, but then I am not sure if I would unless the supportive person would be reliable to be more like a long-term anchor rather than a temporary crutch. I may be idolizing things though as if in search of a soul mate who respects me and sees the world more positively.
> 
> Please note that I don't have 100 percent proof hubby really cheated on me.


On this forum, they call that "monkey branching," if I'm understanding you correctly. A safety person to be with when you leave your marriage. My understanding is that typically, that is a bad idea as it makes the whole process messier. It makes it hard to say you're leaving because of your ex's behavior when you already have their replacement picked out. 

It's not easy to have the courage to leave. You may have to get to the point where being constantly hurt is more frightening than the idea of being along. 

I'd stop looking for a "soul mate." That's not a real thing.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


Maryjean76 said:


> Well, to be honest there was no chest against his really, and he couldn't smell my hair. I am quite shy and was a bit embarrassed so I kept myself far and was sort of shocked. Plus with the pandemic, I am not much into hugs or kisses (on the cheek) with people I know. Indeed, I asked my hubby later that evening if it looked rude how far I kept myself.


Hey, @Maryjean76 , I'm sorry to have assumed. 
I wish you all the best with everything. Take care.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Maryjean76 said:


> Well, the proof I had wasn't really like finding him in bed with the girl. I just found in his wallet an email, my husband got all flushed in the face when I found it and I got suspicious.
> 
> So I tried to crack the password and was successful and in the email there was a picture of this girl that works in his office bathing in the sun at a beach. So I confront him and he tells me that this email he made it for his boss who is single and wanted to date the girl in the office and since he wasn't good in technology (this was many years ago) my husband made it for him.
> 
> ...


What kind of job does he have to have a boss like this? Sorry, but your husband is an immature, and lying man child. And I seriously doubt you are dumb enough to believe that garbage flowing from his mouth..... I also can understand a man carrying a condom in his wallet if him and his wife still use condoms. That is fair enough as I did this when we used them. But if you want to bust his azz, get a condom and write down the lot number on the wrapper. Wait for a few weeks or a month and then compare the lot number on the one in his wallet to what you have. In fact, take a picture to prove you didn't misread it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you have to separate the possible affair back then to your crush on your neighbour. Even if he did cheat it doesn't justify your desire for this other guy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> Well, the proof I had wasn't really like finding him in bed with the girl. I just found in his wallet an email, my husband got all flushed in the face when I found it and I got suspicious.
> 
> So I tried to crack the password and was successful and in the email there was a picture of this girl that works in his office bathing in the sun at a beach. So I confront him and he tells me that this email he made it for his boss who is single and wanted to date the girl in the office and since he wasn't good in technology (this was many years ago) my husband made it for him.
> 
> ...


Odds aren't good for him to have not cheated though I don't want to sway your thoughts about the boy.

It would be nice if you could have your mind settled one way or the other. Not knowing is the worst.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> What kind of job does he have to have a boss like this? Sorry, but your husband is an immature, and lying man child. And I seriously doubt you are dumb enough to believe that garbage flowing from his mouth..... I also can understand a man carrying a condom in his wallet if him and his wife still use condoms. That is fair enough as I did this when we used them. But if you want to bust his azz, get a condom and write down the lot number on the wrapper. Wait for a few weeks or a month and then compare the lot number on the one in his wallet to what you have. In fact, take a picture to prove you didn't misread it.


He was working as a private investigator at that time. I don't know... call me dumb, but I have days I doubt him and days I truly believe him because I don't see why he can't tell me the truth.... I mean I once had an "ops" moment when I was dating my hubby, with my ex, and had to get it off my chest and told him after a month it was too heavy to carry on and it was something minor...

I even told him I might forgive him if he told me the truth because it was so long ago. But no...can't get anything from him...

I have felt tempted to ask the girl, but not sure if she would reveal anything after all these years..

About the condom, yes, we were using them back in time. Thanks for the tip on the condom, I hope I never have to investigate though again. We both work at home now and mostly do everything together, so I know for sure in the past 20 years or so no cheating on his side.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Odds aren't good for him to have not cheated though I don't want to sway your thoughts about the boy.
> 
> It would be nice if you could have your mind settled one way or the other. Not knowing is the worst.


I know, not knowing is what is killing me, and something I may never know until I am in the grave


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> .
> 
> Hey, @Maryjean76 , I'm sorry to have assumed.
> I wish you all the best with everything. Take care.


Oh no worries! It was a bit odd, but you are right, I could have just insisted on the handshake...


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> On this forum, they call that "monkey branching," if I'm understanding you correctly. A safety person to be with when you leave your marriage. My understanding is that typically, that is a bad idea as it makes the whole process messier. It makes it hard to say you're leaving because of your ex's behavior when you already have their replacement picked out.
> 
> It's not easy to have the courage to leave. You may have to get to the point where being constantly hurt is more frightening than the idea of being along.
> 
> I'd stop looking for a "soul mate." That's not a real thing.


I am not constantly hurt luckily, but I have breakdowns...Like my parents are 87 and 84 living overseas and I know they can be annoying calling me every day on the phone, but after an hour or so, my husband wants me to stop the phone call and I struggle interrupting my mom and he's always there pushing me to stop the call complaining that they're too much...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I am not constantly hurt luckily, but I have breakdowns...Like my parents are 87 and 84 living overseas and I know they can be annoying calling me every day on the phone, but after an hour or so, my husband wants me to stop the phone call and I struggle interrupting my mom and he's always there pushing me to stop the call complaining that they're too much...


I don’t understand why he thinks he can tell you to stop talking to your parents. That seems controlling and ridiculous. Why is he doing that?


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t understand why he thinks he can tell you to stop talking to your parents. That seems controlling and ridiculous. Why is he doing that?


He thinks we talk for too long. On the other hand, I guess it's a man thing, I can hear my dad complaining to my mom after an hour about talking for too long too- but my dad isn't insisting like my husband.

But lately he has strong resentment towards my mom because he is atheist and my mom goes to mass every day and she started pushing religion and saying "you should go to church" would you both come with me to a trip to religious sites etc. " I am agnostic and she started telling me that I should start to go to church.

It's also part of his grumpiness, doesn't like to hear what they say, like my dad over worrying over stupid things (like lately he worries about us using the pool after he learned it's vey deep (I don't know how to swim) or asking how our finances are going etc. He thinks they're too involved in our personal stuff and want me to tell less and less.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

All I hear is badmouthing of the husband and excuses from OP for having an affair or monkey-branching. I only see a man (her husband) through detritus covered lenses and the prospect through the rose colored lenses of fantasy.

These are the lenses that destroy lives and everything built together in favor of vapor that dissolves in the sun.

Those who choose to don these lenses and act accordingly lack any form of a moral compass.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Fantasizing about an actor like Aquaman, or Superman is a lot different than starting to think about getting closer to your NEIGHBOR.

Your H won't be blind to that btw. Welcome to the on ramp for future marital problems.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...


Normal to fantasize about others? Yes.

Normal to fantasize about escaping your marriage to be with him? No. You are a cheater waiting to happen.

As far as the grass being greener on the other side syndrome with the comment of "He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along", it reminds me of Ron White saying:

"*Really? You ever overdraw his checking account? You ever drive his brand-new Mercedes straight through the f**** garage door?

Has that ever happened to THAT guy?*"

Point here is, the neighbor doesn't have to go through the day to day trials of marriage with you.

So again, it is normal to fantasize, but the extent you are taking it is unhealthy. I'm taking it you'd love to cheat on your husband with this man?


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I can see this possibly happening. Hubby and I work at home and spend most time together. It doesn't help that several years back I found what I felt was strong proof of him having an affair with a girl in his office,


What was this strong proof. Again, like you said, doesn't excuse your feelings for this guy, but it would at least shed some light on the state of your marriage. Does this proof absolutely prove he cheated?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> But lately he has strong resentment towards my mom because he is atheist and my mom goes to mass every day and she started pushing religion and saying "you should go to church" would you both come with me to a trip to religious sites etc. " I am agnostic and she started telling me that I should start to go to church.


I understand how he feels about this, frankly, I don't like it when people try to tell me I need to change my life in a way that is this personal. 

However, these are your parents. Can I ask another question: when you get off the phone with your mother, are you upset or sad? I'm not trying to insult your mother, or anything like that, I'm just wondering if perhaps the reason he says to get off the phone is because it affects your mood.

Is there something he would prefer you do instead of talk on the phone?

Does he get upset when you communicate with anyone other than him or is it just when you talk to your parents?

Trying to get a complete picture, none of my questions are meant to be upsetting.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...



so you are going to cheat ? Sounds like that is what you are about.

Sorry you have moved to this new 'low'.

work on your fvucking marriage and live well If yu get involved with this new man, I hope your husband divorces your ass and meets a youngster. He deserves it


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

thank God I am not married to you. God bless your husband. I wish the best for him


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

if he's a cheater, divorce him an do things right


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...


Sounds like someone about to blow up their home. Do your husband a favor and leave him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maryjean76 said:


> Well, to be honest there was no chest against his really, and he couldn't smell my hair. I am quite shy and was a bit embarrassed so I kept myself far and was sort of shocked. Plus with the pandemic, I am not much into hugs or kisses (on the cheek) with people I know. Indeed, I asked my hubby later that evening if it looked rude how far I kept myself.


I'm a big hugger with friends and often peck on the cheek too - both male and female - and is pretty standard as a greeting within our friend group. These are good quality greeting hugs! And there's no crushes occurring. Given the 'pull' you are feeling with this person, you need to really distance yourself from him as a friend/acquaintance and then focus on what's going on in your marriage. Note, I'm not advocating whether you stay in the marriage or not. I am suggesting you give your relationship focus though, regardless of the outcome, without fantastical distractions. Also, I think @TexasMom1216 asked you some good questions about the phone calls with your parents.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not good. I don't even think it's normal. I think it's just a symptom of a broken relationship. Maybe you and your husband need to get into marriage counseling.


Amen.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have fantasized in the past and didn't divorce back then, but mostly people I barely know, actors or people who mostly ignored me. This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection. But then, maybe not....I am much older and although many say I still look young, maybe I am just imagining things...
> 
> It's funny though because the past night, hubby and I were playing a board game with him and he pleaded me to roll the dice and throw him a 7 and I did just that and he was amazed. Then, he was trying to help fix our A/C and I was walking barefoot and almost stepped on a random nail that came from nowhere, and next he's facing away and says "do you guys happen to have something long and sharp?" and I say "like this?" and he's like "yes!" and commented on how odd that I threw the dice and had this nail in my hands right when he needed it!
> 
> It's just odd!


The only thing odd to me is the way that you have ascribed meaning to these things. 

Wake up. Get your situated sorted.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @Maryjean76 in response to your OP I thought I would answer your own thoughts and questions with what you said yourself in another thread on Jan. 3 of last year.

*If I knew my hubby was looking at trashy women, or had secretive things going on, I would be confronting him about it, from the get-go.*

I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with your thoughts you’re having everyone has them from time to time but if anything goes further than in just your thoughts I believe you know yourself that is not good. Best of luck!


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Sure this doesn't justify my feelings for this guy, but I hope not to find out the truth when I am old, wasted my time with a person who doesn't deserve me and there's no going back.
> 
> I cannot forgive cheating.


But you would forgive -yourself- in a microsecond, given a good opportunity. 

I think you need to wake up.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Maryjean76 said:


> Hi, I don't think I am really seeking revenge. If that was the case, I could have done that years ago, when I had several opportunities. I guess what I am looking for is some support system to give me the strength to leave, but then I am not sure if I would unless the supportive person would be reliable to be more like a long-term anchor rather than a temporary crutch. I may be idolizing things though as if in search of a soul mate who respects me and sees the world more positively.
> 
> Please note that I don't have 100 percent proof hubby really cheated on me.


We know your not seeking revenge, your seeking justification for cheating on your husband; it's worse btw. That's the difference between men and women, women have to rewrite history when they cheat in order to take the blame off of them, men just know their dirtbags when they cheat.

What your husband did 15 years ago has absolutely ZERO bearing on what you are going to do to him in a few months or so.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Sometimes, a hug is just a hug.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Is it normal? Well I haven't fantasized about other men in, well, ever.

Oh the W?


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

drencrom said:


> What was this strong proof. Again, like you said, doesn't excuse your feelings for this guy, but it would at least shed some light on the state of your marriage. Does this proof absolutely prove he cheated?


Well, the proof I had wasn't really like finding him in bed with the girl. I just found in his wallet an email, my husband got all flushed in the face when I found it and I got suspicious.

So I tried to crack the password and was successful and in the email there was a picture of this girl that works in his office bathing in the sun at a beach. So I confront him and he tells me that this email he made it for his boss who is single and wanted to date the girl in the office and since he wasn't good in technology (this was many years ago) my husband made it for him.

Things got worse when I also found a condom in my husband's wallet but we had recently moved and I think he placed it there when he found it in a drawer and we already had packed everything and forgot it there.

I was ready to leave him and he went to his boss home to sleep and got drunk. His boss kept calling me all night but I wasn't answering, and then I did and he told me that it was him that was having an affair with this girl (I found it a bit odd because he's older than the girl and less attractive than my hubby, but it was also true he flirted with any girl and even went to bed with a lady he talked to in a bar the same night, my husband always told me women fell at his feet all the time) and the same story my hubby told me.

I then asked him, OK, if this is true, then tell me what the password is for this email, and he told me correctly. He also told me he would call this girl and secretly put me on the other line to listen and prove to me that they were the ones having an affair. I said I don't need to hear that, but that it would take a big leap of faith to believe this story, and he told me my husband loves me deeply and never saw a man in love like him etc etc and then asked me if I could please talk to my hubby.

I got worried at this point because my husband was drunk heavily and could barely talk to me. I woke him up every half hour checking on him until he drove back the morning after and that's it.

I still debate on this story. I feel in my heart that there is this 10 percent or 1 percent chance that it is true he didn't cheat.

My hubby tells me though that, if he cheated, he could never hide it to me, yet he knew I didn't like men who watch porn and I caught him twice watching it and he told me he wasn't watching it and that I don't trust him, but then I showed him the evidence and he admitted, and when I tell him how can I trust you that you didn't cheat on me if you lied to me about the porn, he tells me he was too embarrassed about the porn and that watching porn is different than cheating bla-bla-bla.

When I bring back this topic, he gets very upset. He swears on his mom he didn't cheat, and acts very credible even times we were really fighting to the point of thinking to talk to a lawyer and divorce, he never admitted and I could cry for hours and never get anything out from him.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Chaotic_Aquarian said:


> I read your other threads and all you have is complaints about your husband-he's a real gem. In your last thread you were contemplating divorce, what happened?


Thank you for taking the time to read to get a better picture of the situation. After big fights, we reconcile and then it starts over and over. I am not sure whether this is normal anymore, I look at other couples and they all seem so chill. I sometimes wonder if he's bipolar. My husband tells me all couples fight like that and his mom chased even his dad around with a broom or would escape and then the day after they were happy again.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Thank you for taking the time to read to get a better picture of the situation. After big fights, we reconcile and then it starts over and over. I am not sure whether this is normal anymore, I look at other couples and they all seem so chill. I sometimes wonder if he's bipolar. My husband tells me all couples fight like that and his mom chased even his dad around with a broom or would escape and then the day after they were happy again.


It's not normal. It is called a toxic relationship.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

HI! I didn't read all of the responses,but wanted to add a few thoughts. Yes, I think it is normal to fantasize about other men sometimes--however I think you are starting to go too far. This "magical" feeling you are experiencing is called limerence--look it up. It's a chemical reaction in your brain and if you allow this to take hold, it will ruin your marriage/life. People foolishly believe they met their soul mate and are ready to dump their entire lives over the fantasy and thoughts of this person that you are creating in your mind. Please note that limerence doesn't last and if you move forward you will have blown up everything for someone who may not even really be interested or will for most likely only a time. I assure you-once you get in a full blown relationship (if that happens) you will see this person warts and all and limerence will be gone. The grass is not always greener.

Now if you are unhappy with your H, then by all means initiate separation etc.. I would recommend talking to him about the issues and try to work on whatever the problem is first before throwing your marriage away. (unless you are truly done with him--- but pls not over a limerent situation)

How do I know this? My H turned 50 had a mlc and developed limerence (one way) for a 20 year old. I found out, he left and the girl has no romantic interest. He left his whole life (we actually had a good relationship) his wife, his best friend (as per him), his everyday interactions with his child, his home and his self respect. For what? He lives in a basement apartment and is lonely. Use him as a cautionary tale.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> Are you only fantasizing about this guy or do you think you would cheat on your husband with him? Just curious.
> 
> Call me a prude, but besides my husband, I wouldn't let any other man hug me. I would've laughed it off and said something like, "a handshake's good!" There's no other man besides my husband I'd let get that close to me, to feel my chest against his, to smell my hair and perfume. These things are reserved for my husband only. Again, maybe I'm a prude.
> 
> ...


I agree, I does not appear he's flirting, but rather just being friendly and neighbourly. 

I don't like the idea of other men touching me either. I don't think you're a prude.

My best friend says she almost always have to fantisize about someone else to orgasm with her husband. I don't know if it has to do with them being together since they were thirteen and are now both 40. But she never cheats. She flirts, chats them on the phone "to get material for later" according to her. 

Every marriage has its own dynamics you just have to make it work. And unless you and your partner agrees to an open marriage, cheating is always wrong.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> Well, the proof I had wasn't really like finding him in bed with the girl. I just found in his wallet an email, my husband got all flushed in the face when I found it and I got suspicious.
> 
> So I tried to crack the password and was successful and in the email there was a picture of this girl that works in his office bathing in the sun at a beach. So I confront him and he tells me that this email he made it for his boss who is single and wanted to date the girl in the office and since he wasn't good in technology (this was many years ago) my husband made it for him.
> 
> ...


Soooo, then he is no different than you. You want to bone the next door neighbor. Neither of you can take the high road here.

Have you thought about divorce? For you two I highly recommend it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sunshinie said:


> I agree, I does not appear he's flirting, but rather just being friendly and neighbourly.
> 
> I don't like the idea of other men touching me either. I don't think you're a prude.
> 
> ...


Wtf on that. 
Edited to add: On the flirting WITH chatting them up on the phone part.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

drencrom said:


> Soooo, then he is no different than you. You want to bone the next door neighbor. Neither of you can take the high road here.
> 
> Have you thought about divorce? For you two I highly recommend it.


I have been fantasizing, yes, but I can control myself because I know myself. I have been in situations many times and I could have had an affair easily without my husband knowing, but I chose not to. I am afraid that my husband actually went ahead. I guess I am sort of pissed off that I don't have 100 percent proof because if I did, I would have divorced him eons ago.

Edited to add: am I answering to somebody who no longer exists? It shows banned?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have been fantasizing, yes, but I can control myself because I know myself. I have been in situations many times and I could have had an affair easily without my husband knowing, but I chose not to. I am afraid that my husband actually went ahead. I guess I am sort of pissed off that I don't have 100 percent proof because if I did, I would have divorced him eons ago.
> 
> Edited to add: am I answering to somebody who no longer exists? It shows banned?


He may be back after ban is over. 

Do you really need 100% proof? Are you happy as it is now? If you can't trust him and you aren't happy, why not just divorce?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maryjean76 said:


> I have been fantasizing, yes, but I can control myself because I know myself. I have been in situations many times and I could have had an affair easily without my husband knowing, but I chose not to. I am afraid that my husband actually went ahead. I guess I am sort of pissed off that I don't have 100 percent proof because if I did, I would have divorced him eons ago.
> 
> Edited to add: am I answering to somebody who no longer exists? It shows banned?


Bans aren't usually permanent.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t understand why he thinks he can tell you to stop talking to your parents. That seems controlling and ridiculous. Why is he doing that?


Because it is OVER AN HOUR EVERY DAY! That is excessive!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Maryjean76 said:


> He thinks we talk for too long. On the other hand, I guess it's a man thing, I can hear my dad complaining to my mom after an hour about talking for too long too- but my dad isn't insisting like my husband.
> 
> But lately he has strong resentment towards my mom because he is atheist and my mom goes to mass every day and she started pushing religion and saying "you should go to church" would you both come with me to a trip to religious sites etc. " I am agnostic and she started telling me that I should start to go to church.
> 
> It's also part of his grumpiness, doesn't like to hear what they say, like my dad over worrying over stupid things (like lately he worries about us using the pool after he learned it's vey deep (I don't know how to swim) or asking how our finances are going etc. He thinks they're too involved in our personal stuff and want me to tell less and less.


He is right, they should not be involved in your personal lives. Either you cut the apron strings when you married or not. If roles were reversed alot of women would be yelling divorce as he is a pathetic momma's boy.


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## Maryjean76 (Jun 16, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> He is right, they should not be involved in your personal lives. Either you cut the apron strings when you married or not. If roles were reversed alot of women would be yelling divorce as he is a pathetic momma's boy.


I am very peaceful by nature and tolerant, to say the truth, I think I would have no issues even with a momma's boy. I was raised in Italy where many men live with their mom even until they are old as there are no jobs and mom is highly respected figure and cherished. My sister loved this guy that was a mommas boy and she never went ahead dating him because she was scared of his mom. I loved his mom, ate at her place often and saw zero issues about her cooking for him and spoiling him and him praising her for her dishes. I really loved her dishes too!

Maybe I am missing what bad stuff can happen long term? I mean if it was the opposite, and my in laws would do to me what may parents do to my hubby, I sincerely think I could handle it as long as they don't live with me or come over too often. I guess it's a cultural issue, me being raised in the south and my hubby in the north, where they leave the parents early for jobs and are independent. My hubby even went through years without seeing his parents.

I am going to see them next week for the first time ever without my husband and it feels very awkward. My hubby no longer wants them in our house.

I don't even know where to start to cut the apron strings without offending them or having a fight. I am very mellow by nature and hate fighting, it's not in my blood. I often remind my husband that it is also thanks to my mellow nature that I have remained in this marriage. Most of his girl friends left him the moment he criticized them for things like not knowing how to drive or telling them not to wear provocative clothing and often fights over very futile things. I remember I nicknamed him "betta fish" when dating. 

So what's good in my marriage? I am drawn to his order, discipline and he is very smart and has helped me when I was young and suffered from panic attacks. He saved me from being homebound and living in fear. He thinks my over protective parents caused me to be in this state. I am now healed, able to conduct an almost normal life and will be forever grateful for his help.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maryjean76 said:


> I am very peaceful by nature and tolerant, to say the truth, I think I would have no issues even with a momma's boy. I was raised in Italy where many men live with their mom even until they are old as there are no jobs and mom is highly respected figure and cherished. My sister loved this guy that was a mommas boy and she never went ahead dating him because she was scared of his mom. I loved his mom, ate at her place often and saw zero issues about her cooking for him and spoiling him and him praising her for her dishes. I really loved her dishes too!
> 
> Maybe I am missing what bad stuff can happen long term? I mean if it was the opposite, and my in laws would do to me what may parents do to my hubby, I sincerely think I could handle it as long as they don't live with me or come over too often. I guess it's a cultural issue, me being raised in the south and my hubby in the north, where they leave the parents early for jobs and are independent. My hubby even went through years without seeing his parents.
> 
> ...


I remember reading years ago that Italian divorces are often caused because of problems with his mother interfering and not letting go. 
My aunt married a guy with an Italian mother and she treated her appallingly. So much so that she has a total breakdown and spent 3 months in hospital. Needless to say the marriage ended because he was too weak to stand up for her.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

To all members, who are assuming that the husband is bad in this case, should read following thread:









My husband doesn't want to see my mom dad and...


So my husband decided to stop seeing my parents and no longer wants them over our place. Funny thing is we purchased a home 2 hours away so I can finally see them more, at least once a month for 2-3 days. He no longer tolerates them. I know they are one-of-a kind, but they always helped us out...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





He seems to have tolerated much but the wife does not seem to understand him and his problems.



Maryjean76 said:


> Hi all, I am 45 and have been married since I was 21. My relationship with my husband has been with lots of ups and downs, and seems to be lately getting worse. My hubby who is 49 is acting like a grumpy "old man" and lately can't tolerate any small problems, blames me for everything and even can't stand my parents anymore. Like it even bothers him hearing me talking with them on the phone and doesn't even want to have them over our house anymore (I understand this because they are bit one of a kind, but not to this point)..
> 
> Anyhow, there's this guy who is 35 who is our neighbor who we went out a few times with and is single and I feel attracted to. He is the opposite of my hubby and very easy to get along (apparently). My hubby was like that too when I met him but then has gradually changed.
> 
> ...


Seriously now?

You wonder why your husband is grumpy?

1. Your family have pissed him off.

2. You do not trust him.

3. You are fantasizing about your neighbor.

This will blow up on you big time.

Your (supposedly very easy to get along) neighbor can see tensions between you and your husband, and your vulnerability. He is flirting with you to test the waters and this is absolutely inappropriate.

Your (supposedly very easy to get along) neighbor does not wants to marry you or something. He wants to sleep with you and have a good time. He would rather settle for a young wife given his age if it comes down to it.

You need to focus on the ISSUES that have affected your husband, and try your best to address them. Refer back to the 3 points above.

*Issue # 1:* Your family show total disregard for the feelings of your husband.

You need to have a conversation with your sister about her eating habits when she visit your home. It would be better for her to use a tray and napkin when she eats in your home.

Your parents are very old and they cannot be easily reasoned with. You can meet them on your own - no problem. If they ask where is your husband - you can tell them that he is busy. Do NOT badmouth him or complain about him in front of them. Be positive in your talks with them.

You knew that your husband was athiest and you chose to marry him, right? Now take responsibility for your decision in this regard.

*Issue # 2:* You suspect that your husband cheated on you long ago. You hinted that you could reach out to the Other Woman (OW) and ask her directly.

I strongly insist that you reach out to the OW and ask her directly. You can plan a meeting with her in a Public Place if necessary. If you cannot meet her then call her. Go outside to a park where you can talk to her without others listening.

Do this on your own [do not tell your husband]. I am all for transparency in a relationship but you do not trust your husband even though he have told you repeatedly that he did not cheat.

Provide an UPDATE here [after] you talk to this woman. WE need this update to help you move forward.

*Issue # 3: *Your (supposedly very easy to get along) neighbor is SINGLE and CAREFREE.

He does NOT have a wife and her family to deal with on a regular basis. He is NOT affected by the behavior of a wife and her family. He can live his life the way he wants to (no strings attached).

Your husband is in entirely different boat in comparison. Your comparison is FLAWED.

You need to keep this neighbor at an arms length from now on. He is a threat to your marriage. There is no need to be rude to him *but* there is no need to welcome and encourage his flirtations at the same time.

-----

Sorry for sounding a bit harsh but I simply wanted to give you some perspective which might help you save your marriage.

You have marital problems to address and you should take a look at following books for valuable insight:









The 10 Best Marriage Books for Couples of 2022


Marriage books can help couples resolve issues without the use of in-person therapy. We’ve researched the best marriage books for a stronger, healthier relationship.




www.verywellmind.com





These books are pure Marriage Counseling material.

Your honesty is appreciated by the way.


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## jenny_1 (7 mo ago)

Maryjean76 said:


> Is this normal? Can it be a middle-life crisis?


In my opinion, sexually fantasizing about other men is normal. As long as you don't act on those fantasies. Generally If you're in a strong marriage, that should be easy. So relax, you're normal.


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## Harry Lagman (2 mo ago)

Maryjean76 said:


> This guy's hug made me wonder whether he's feeling the same way I do and noticing a certain, almost magical connection.


Well suppose you divorced and got together with this chap. How long would the magical connection last?
Or an affair - could be intensely enjoyable and I suppose the rule is "don't get caught" - except that lots of people _*do*_ get caught. Especially next door neighbours...that might be a bit awkward
Building another strong relationship would take time. 
I'm being hard-nosed, un-judgemental & rational here, because I suspect your feelings are starting to do the thinking for you.
There's never a clear right answer. And little that's new - one woman here has cited the stories of affairs on this forum...Often a very painful business


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Oh. Another Zombie thread" says Zombie Cat. "Let's shut this one down, too."


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