# counselling session number five.



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

two weeks ago, the counsellor tells my wife and i she wants the next session to be concentrated on our lack of intamacy as we have only had sex 3-5 times in 3 years.

So i was looking forward to it as i see it as themajor issue for us.

So we start the session and all they talk about is life in general and all the positives. Then with 15mins to go she eventually says

" Are you two touching and cuddling more?"

I said "yes a little however no where near enough as i think my wife worries it will leave to sex and she seems scared or not interested anymore, We have only had sex 3-5 times in three years"

She replies "Do you try to pursue her lately"
I said "NO, i have more or less stopped trying as i think its a lost cause at the moment"

Counsellor says "do you ever think you will have sex again?"

I say " At this stage no, no i dont"

She turns to wife and asks "do you get horny and ever want sex or even just get horny, in bed or in your dreams?"
Wife says " NO, sex just doesnt interest me, im not interested"

Counellor says "It could be because you have low iron and were depressed months ago" THE END.

THATS IT.......spent 2 minutes on the issue then moved on to other stuff. WHAT THE????


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

No suggestions to work on anything? Just low iron and depression? Will a flinstone vitamin fix that?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

If your wife has NO interest in sex should I assume she has no interest in you and/or the relationship either. They are not mutually exclusive. It's a package deal...... it may be time your actions reinforce this.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

And that ladies and gentleman is why people shouldn`t put so much faith in councilling.

The lack of focus on the major issue is completely irresponsible on your councellors part.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I would speak with the counselor. If lack of sex is not related to medical conditions, it is usually emotional. She may think as you two increase the emotional intimacy, the sexual intimacy will follow. This stuff takes time (think a year of therapy).

Ask your therapist at the next session how she plans to help you with the sexual intimacy issue and that she only spend 2 minutes discussing it. 

Is your counselor a psychologist?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

The therapist may have taken your reply and your wife's reply and deduced that both of you were not looking to have sex. If she asked if you think you will ever have sex again and you reply no (even with the other previous comments) a therapist may wrongly assume.

You may want to tell the therapist that you want to have sex with your wife again bc as she sees it, your wife has no interest and you dont think you will ever again... you need to let the therapist know more. Good luck! If that doesnt work, find another therapist who will take the issue more seriously... maybe a man? Or maybe a woman who clearly sees its importance in a marriage.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

I wrote you a while ago when you posted about the same issue. With your and your wife's background (i.e. depression), you want/expect WAY TOO MUCH in WAY TOO LITTLE TIME. You're in your 5th counseling session. That is NOT a lot. 

Based on your previous post, sex also doesn't seem to be main underlying issue. It may be the sole reason you agreed to go to therapy but by "fixing" your sex life (i.e. increasing the frequency), you are not going to fix your marriage. It may increase temporarily, but not long-term and definely won't leadto a better marriage. I described to you in length how I felt about my relationship and sex while being depressed. You're so desperately trying to fix that symptom that you're failing to fix the actual problem.

Based on your posts, I feel that you expect miracles to happen within a very short period of time (i.e. five counseling sessions). It's just not going to happen. Maybe sex won't really come up to the extent that you want it to in your sessions because your therapists recognizes that this is NOT the root of your problems but the symptom and any good therapist's goal is to fix your marriage, not just marital sex (which wouldn't work anyways). Couples who have a satisfying marriage, have a good sex life, so why not fix your marriage instead of working on one aspect prematurely, so that you can enjoy your entire relationship in the long run.

Having said that, if you feel that this counselor is not doing his/her job, go ahead and maybe talk to him/her alone and voice your concerns, but don't be surprised if s/he tells you something similar. Likewise, if you really, don't feel comfortable with him/her go ahead and find someone else. Maybe ask some friends or look up ratings online (I don't know to what extent these exist).


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

agree with a lot of your post lastradas but, 

"Based on your posts, I feel that you expect miracles to happen within a very short period of time (i.e. five counseling sessions)."

5 sessions isnt a lot, but sex 5 times in 3 years is ridiculouss( and that isnt a short period of time), alot of freinds/family think im crazy for still being with her and they like her as a person.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

brendan said:


> agree with a lot of your post lastradas but,
> 
> "Based on your posts, I feel that you expect miracles to happen within a very short period of time (i.e. five counseling sessions)."
> 
> 5 sessions isnt a lot, but sex 5 times in 3 years is ridiculouss( and that isnt a short period of time), alot of freinds/family think im crazy for still being with her and they like her as a person.


You're right, having sex five times in three years isn't a lot, BUT I do think that this is pretty irrelevant in the sense that just because it took the two of you 3 years (or however long) to seek help, to think that there will be rapid change - not that your concerns are irrelevant, it's just that you can't have an equation of some sort. And your impatience (no matter how understandable it is) isn't going to change that nor speed things up. If anything, it's going to make it worse because she'll sense it and put up an invisable barrier.


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

lastradas said:


> I wrote you a while ago when you posted about the same issue. With your and your wife's background (i.e. depression), you want/expect WAY TOO MUCH in WAY TOO LITTLE TIME. You're in your 5th counseling session. That is NOT a lot.


I can understand that quantatity-wise it's not lot, but if a couple has therapy maybe once in every two months, it's already 10 months of time, or with once a month five months of time. In that sense, it's a lot of time if no progression is seen. And if the therapist is still gathering information or assessing the situation, he/she could've been communicative enough to say that aloud. 

Brendan - I've been going to therapy with my partner on-and-off for three years (three different therapists, breaks in between - I'd estimate 30-40 sessions in total) and we still haven't made progression. In our case I'm finally starting to realize that I need to set boundaries - a time limit - for how long we are going to continue trying. I just can't do this forever. If my partner needs five years more (=app. 50 sessions) then that's too much of time for me. I can maybe give her a year in max. If she needs the 50 sessions, then I hope she or the therapist will cough up and say that we need to step up and start coming every week. Otherwise we've just wasted thousands of Euros on nothing. Well, not nothing. I've learned alot by sticking with my relationship for such a long time and know now much more about myself and my boundaries than I did before. But as for our relationship and the therapy, the last years have in my eyes been for nothing. 

Take this all with a grain of salt. I'm getting ready for our next therapy session (which is today) and for the boundaries-talk, and am pretty emotional at the moment. These are thought that I think, but they might not be constructive in any way.


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## Rainbow_Dazed (Sep 28, 2011)

michzz - What do you mean?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

maybe the counselor sees the dollar signs, solving intimacy issues can be drug out for a long time. they aint doing this for the fun of it. (see lawyers)


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

Rainbow_Dazed said:


> I can understand that quantatity-wise it's not lot, but if a couple has therapy maybe once in every two months, it's already 10 months of time, or with once a month five months of time. In that sense, it's a lot of time if no progression is seen. And if the therapist is still gathering information or assessing the situation, he/she could've been communicative enough to say that aloud.


I think in one his other posts he wrote that they recently begun MC. I don't think that anything else other than weekly/bi-weekly sessions are the norm, especially when they are just starting out.

You're right, 10 months and no change would not be a good sign.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Lack of Sex in a marriage is a symptom of more pressing and distressing relational/life/stress issues.

A man's need for regular sex most likely has a lot to do with his sex drive and hormones. Many men, not all, but most men have a biological need for sex, visual, tactile, and sexual tension release... Like, "X" number of times a week.

In the background somewhere, most men probably have some kind of emotional and relational/self-image need connected to his sex drive. For some men it is more pronounced.

As a man, in order to understand a women's sex drive and real sexual needs, there has to be some honest and open communication going on. 

Sex drive is one of those things that can be effected by so many things. It is hard to say that women experience sex problems more than men. There are statistics and studies that point to that but... I do not want to make that blanket statement. I do think that women can have more factors at play than a man would.

One day a woman could want sex because she's horny and the next it could be because she wants to simply feel close to her man.

Problems that occur with a woman's sex drive could be for many reasons. Men have some of these problems, but certainly not all of them.

Emotional, stress related, hormonal, depression, KIDS, she doesn't feel loved, low self-esteem, emotional scars from possible traumatic experiences, religion, on birth control or some other medication side-effect, being too tired at the end of the day, sex can be uncomfortable at times, and the list could go on... I'm not saying that all of these things are effecting her sex drive in both of your relationship, but it could be some combination of that 

Again, the best way to discover why your wife is no longer interested in sex can best be discovered through honest and open communication. 

The low iron suggestion would most likely be due to her period, or she could be anemic for another reason. Depression can effect sex drive too. OK. Your therapist covered those two points.

Now, I assume that you are emotionally worn-down by your struggle to regain the sexual relationship within your marriage. You said something to the effect to the counselor that you have given up trying.

I think that is why your therapist didn't go any further than medical and depression issues. 

She should've taken you aside after the session, and should have given you some sort of talk like this.

There are things that you could possibly do to try and make her want sex again. If there is a medical condition at play here, then she might be able to seek medical intervention to stop the side-effects, try another medication... in other words she could talk to her doctor for help. Sometimes there is a solution to the problem and sometimes not.

Again, communication between the two of you about all of these things could help.

If your wife clams up to you when you try to talk to her about sex it could be a sign that it is primarily an emotional, religious, or past traumatic experience problem. Treading lightly and not being too pushy, while being patient, kind, understanding, etc, could help her feel safe about opening up to you.

A good sex therapist could help with all of this. But, if there are more relational problems at play here, then do not expect fixing sex, to to be the final solution to all of the marriage problems. 

There are things that you could do to help in all of this effort when the time is right. I wrote an article called  How to Make My Wife Want Me and it comes at the problem from a standpoint that assumes that there are not any medical or past traumatic, religious issues involved.

I hope that all of this information helps you know a bit about where to go from here. Sadly, there are no guarantees, but getting to the bottom of the problem can help you in your efforts.


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