# Young couple living like roommates-help



## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

I'd appreciate any advice, but I'd specifically love to hear from someone who has been married for 20+ years and has lots of experience.

Me and my husband are both in our mid/late 20s. We're expecting our first child in a few months.

My husband is a smart, sweet and charismatic person. He's very sociable and easy to get a long with. My issue is that he is so inefficient and scattered and that's really impacting his professional and personal life. He just can't seem to get his sh*t together.

Let me explain:

- He wasted about 2 years of his life working on a graduate thesis that he absolutely hated and barely got anything done. I'm not sure why he didnt just quit when he first figured he was not interested instead of pushing through for 2 full years full-time....he's about to lose the opportunity to finish it and graduate.

- He has yet to finish the process of getting his professional licencing which is his boss promised him would get him a raise (and overall would definitely improve his career prospects). He should have one it years ago now and the requirements are simple.


- After two years of school and not finishing... he decided to get a job and continue school part-time. He works overtime ALL THE TIME, and I mean all the time. Like everyday. He works about 11-12 hours a day and comes home to sit on his desk and do more work overnight. I'm not sure how he has not had a breakdown yet. He also works from home on weekends. I really worry for him.

- I pretty much feel like a single person. Though he will text and call to check how I am doing, I eat all meals by myself most of the time unless I am running late at work too (which rarely happens). I go shopping by myself. Sometimes when I am bored I will go out to dinner by myself. I don't know a lot of people where we live.

- We do have friends that are also young couples. They have previously asked us if we're interested in going out. But he's always so busy and comes home so late that there is no time for dinner with friends.

- I have heard from his own friends and co-workers that he works the most hours and they told me they dont understand how I am OK with it. This really shocked me because I started to think that may be that's how everyone (especially young new grad in a tough field) is. But now I think he's just horribly inefficient.

- I know he's stressed, but he rarely wants to be intimate and I am the one that always initiates. When he was in school full- time he often made the excuse of being stressed, and he continues to make that excuse till this present day except about work..even though he did not graduate, nor did he acquire his professional licensing. He's always stressed and in the end accomplishes absolutely nothing!

- I am so worried how things will be when baby arrives. I try to imagine what life would be like if I were a single mom. I cry so much in my pillow every night and he has no clue he thinks our life is all rainbows and butterflies.

- I have had several serious discussions with him about all of the above since we have been together (about 4 years now). I really try to support him in whatever he chooses to do. But I am so tired of me paying the price for him being so inefficient and so "busy". He always says he will try his best and change, and I have believed him every single time and nothing has changed.

I love him but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this, and I'm not sure of his skills as a dad.

Thoughts? advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you decide to have a child with this man? You most likely will be a single parent to this child. Your husband has demonstrated who he is, and I'm guessing a child isn't going to change that.

What reason does he give for working so many hours? Does he get paid for them at least?

Why do you keep believing him and letting him off the hook with his bad behavior? All you're doing is teaching him that you can safely be ignored.

My advice... Do some serious thinking about what your boundaries are. Lay them out. Enforce them. DO NOT LAY OUT BOUNDARIES YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO ENFORCE! And consider your backup plan, if things don't work out with him.

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home?

Does he have any family nearby?

You need a plan of action....

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"

Read them, go the work suggested. They books say that both spouses need to do the work. But it will help you if you do your part first. That way you will be better equipt to deal with the problems.

Then sit him down and tell him what you have said here. Emphasize that while you love him, what he's doing it a love buster and your are falling out of love with him. You don't know how long you can hang on.

Ask him to go to marriage counseling (MC) with you. Tell him that you also need him to work through the books with you.

If he refuses to do this at this time, I suggest that you get into individual counseling so that you get more coping skills. Over time you can uses that you learn in counseling and from the books to work on your marriage.



Do you think your husband is depressed? It sounds like he might be.


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

I don't think he is depressed but I do think he may have other issues like ADD or something that cause him to be so disorganized and ineffecient.

Yes I do have a professional degree and I work full-time (normal 8-4 type of job). Our families don't live close but we visit every now and then.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Has he always been this way or did it develop recently?


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

I think it was always a problem for him.. but it became more of an issue recently since I obviously expect him to come home on time at least half of the week.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

whattodo00 said:


> I think it was always a problem for him.. but it became more of an issue recently since I obviously expect him to come home on time at least half of the week.


And how'd that go for you?

C


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

Lol I don't understand why your coming off angry and sarcastic. I'm here to get advice from others who have more experience or have a similar situations.

I thought canadians were friendly folks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

whattodo00 said:


> Lol I don't understand why your coming off angry and sarcastic. I'm here to get advice from others who have more experience or have a similar situations.
> 
> I thought canadians were friendly folks


Are you talking to me? I wasn't meaning to be sarcastic, and I'm not angry. I'm asking how things went when you told him you wanted him home on time at least half the time. And my other questions were intended to find out more about your situation.

C


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It seems like he's doing some things wrong and doing some things right. At least I didn't see any of the show stopper issues like ;he won't work,he hits me, he cheat, etc. 

I'm sure you'll get some good advice. There's a good book that focuses on partners meeting each other's needs. It's call his needs/her needs and it's only about $10. I think you and he would get a lot out of it.

Now I don't actually know his job but there are some fields that take a lot of hours and extra effort to separate yourself and move up the ladder. He still needs to know more clearly what your needs are because him putting in these extra hours probably makes him feel like he's doing his job to provide for his family (and he is). It's just the balance that he could work on.

You . whattodo00, I'm sure you know that you're not perfect either so try to be as objective as you can. What you're calling "inefficient and scattered" could be a struggle with procrastination or adult ADHD or something else that he needs to work on. Remember that you will also be having hormone changes and mood swings since your pregnant to maybe avoid knee jerk reactions (not saying you do that).

As far as what kind of father he's going to be? Well it's too late to avoid that being a reality so you'll have to wait and see and make sure he knows what you expect a father to be.

Oh my history since you made a point to ask:
- Early age first marriage failed quickly. Both our faults.
- Second marriage going on 20 years and she's better than I deserve. Our grown children love and respect us both and are doing well.


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

He'll try hard for some time and then he spins back into his old habit and we're back to square-one. He does admit to his shortcomings, but I am sick of no real long-term action plan being taken.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

What are his goals? You have a baby coming...what does he envision that life will be like once the baby arrives? (If you haven't talked about it, now is the time.) 

If he's always suffered from disorganization to the point that you truly think he could have a diagnosis attached - has he seen a doctor? A therapist? How did he cope with life before you were around?


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> It seems like he's doing some things wrong and doing some things right. At least I didn't see any of the show stopper issues like ;he won't work,he hits me, he cheat, etc.
> 
> I'm sure you'll get some good advice. There's a good book that focuses on partners meeting each other's needs. It's call his needs/her needs and it's only about $10. I think you and he would get a lot out of it.
> 
> ...


you're right and that's why I think the suggestion to walk out and that he will probably never change is ridiculous. I am trying to get to him but it's hard when he's never home in waking hours. I'll try that book since someone up there suggested it too.

This has been an issue well before I got pregnant so it's not my hormones. I wish it was that simple. Dismissing it as so would be denying that our relationship is in trouble.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what kind of boundaries do you lay out? And how do you explain them? Do you let him know what the impact will be if your boundary conditions will not be met?

There's a fine line between controlling and enforcing boundaries, and you need to explore that. You may want to find a counselor who can work with you in determining and enforcing your needs. My advice would be to do it quickly, before the baby happens. Because once that wonderful event occurs, it will be a few years before you get a chance to catch your breath.

C


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm a university professor, married ongoing 35 years, has 4 degrees including a master's and a doctorate degree. I am 56 years old. I've never been divorced. I have taught 28 years in the college level and has tenure. I received my Ph.D. in my late twenties. 

I elected to have no children while plowing through graduate school as I also had a full-time job. It is very stressful to be in the research level as your husband has been. A thesis requires a minimum of 3 years on the average after the two years of academic preparation. A dissertation will require on the average of 5 years after the previous two to three years of advanced academic preparation. The academic path is long and hard.

My husband was very supportive then and now. I married him after college. We were 22 and 24 years old. I am the younger. Support from my spouse came from all directions: financial, doing dishes, cooking, cleaning house, doing laundry, putting up holiday decorations, remembering birthdays, and etc. I was very busy and very sleep deprived. 

Your marriage is going to be more stressed as you are expecting a child. See a marriage counselor for the both of you. You'll either survive in this marriage or you'll become a statistic.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whattodo00 said:


> you're right and that's why I think the suggestion to walk out and that he will probably never change is ridiculous. I am trying to get to him but it's hard when he's never home in waking hours. I'll try that book since someone up there suggested it too.
> 
> This has been an issue well before I got pregnant so it's not my hormones. I wish it was that simple. Dismissing it as so would be denying that our relationship is in trouble.


EleGirl is the other poster who mentioned it which puts me in good company. I know your frustrated but it seems like there's potential to right the ship. There's substance and effort at least. I'll be reading as this thread goes along and I wish you well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Roselyn said:


> I'm a university professor, married ongoing 35 years, has 4 degrees including a master's and a doctorate degree. I am 56 years old. I've never been divorced. I have taught 28 years in the college level and has tenure. I received my Ph.D. in my late twenties.
> 
> I elected to have no children while plowing through graduate school as I also had a full-time job. It is very stressful to be in the research level as your husband has been. A thesis requires a minimum of 3 years on the average after the two years of academic preparation. A dissertation will require on the average of 5 years after the previous two to three years of advanced academic preparation. The academic path is long and hard.
> 
> ...


He won't even come home in a timely fashion at her request. What are the odds he'll make the time to attend counseling and do the hard work required to make the marriage work? 

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, I'm not saying you should ditch the marriage. But I am saying that as long as he thinks he doesn't have to change because you're not serious about needing him to change, you can expect the status quo to continue. You need to upset the dynamic that's been created.

C


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

PBear said:


> He won't even come home in a timely fashion at her request. What are the odds he'll make the time to attend counseling and do the hard work required to make the marriage work?
> 
> C


When a graduate student is in the research level, there are many times that time frames are ignored due to the expediency of getting data at hand. He'll have to call his wife to let her know of the delays. I always called my husband especially during evening hours. My husband insisted on escorting me from my classrooms to my car (then & now). Safety is important for him, especially that I am a woman. Graduate school is brutal on schedules and not conducive to family structures.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

As for the husband making it to counseling on time, he'll have to make time. This could be a setback on his schedule if he is in school. It might make him unhappy, but if he wants to make his marriage work, he'll have to make time.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Adhd.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

whattodo00 said:


> I'd appreciate any advice, but I'd specifically love to hear from someone who has been married for 20+ years and has lots of experience.
> 
> Me and my husband are both in our mid/late 20s. We're expecting our first child in a few months.
> 
> ...


I hear ya! My husband and two of my son's have ADHD. It is maddening to see them procrastinate, underachieve, and not seem how to help themselves get organized!

I write notes for my hubby, set alarms for him and that helps a bit. If ADHD is a legitimate concern, suggest he see a doctor or read a book on how yo help himself. He was likely ashamed of his hindered progress with his thesis. My son had to drop out of college, although he told us everything was fine, he was a mess!

Why is he working so many hours? Is it possible to downsize if he cuts his hours? Hate to say it, but make sure you have access to his phone and social media, just in case (not implying, but I am a neuritic, cautious type.)

You should spend 15-20 hours a week together doing FUN activities, maybe picking out baby names or maybe the stress of being a new dad is FREAKING him out. 

On becoming a dad- I can't speak for your hubby but mine was THE BEST DAD ever. I mean, he couldn't remember where his keys were, but our little girl was #1. He remembered her feeding schedule, fed her before work so I could sleep late. 

With child #3 I had PPD and he did everything. Our son even had to wear a head-molding helmet because my man help him so much that the back of his head became flat!

Just my experience, but get hubby to DR., cut down his hours (if you don't bond before baby, you won't have a better chance for awhile.) Rule out an affair, or work crush, talk to hubby about how this is affecting your marriage, arrange dates and remind him a lot, do silly stuff like you used to. I would spray silly string all over him whenever he takes work home to his computer- NAKED.

This advice may not help AT ALL. Just what I did/would do and we have been together 25 years yesterday, although "legally" only married 2.5 months. 

Just don't let resentment build, it will fester in your mind and soul and he will be walking around clueless. Also, all couples should buy the books "His needs, her needs" and "Lovebusters".

OH and CONGRATS on the baby!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I would rule out "attention deficit disorder" for this graduate student. He has already completed his bachelor's degree and completed his two academic years of graduate school before arriving to the thesis level. He has completed his coursework in statistics and research methodology which require extreme focus. He has already gone through the brutal path of qualifying for the thesis threshold. He's already completed his comprehensive exam and requirement of 3.0 overall g.p.a.

What he needs is awareness that his responsibility includes an incoming child and a wife. He has a different role now.


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

scatty said:


> I hear ya! My husband and two of my son's have ADHD. It is maddening to see them procrastinate, underachieve, and not seem how to help themselves get organized!
> 
> I write notes for my hubby, set alarms for him and that helps a bit. If ADHD is a legitimate concern, suggest he see a doctor or read a book on how yo help himself. He was likely ashamed of his hindered progress with his thesis. My son had to drop out of college, although he told us everything was fine, he was a mess!
> 
> ...



Thank you. So nice to know someone can understand me because I know he really tries but its one failure after the other.


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## whattodo00 (Dec 23, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> I would rule out "attention deficit disorder" for this graduate student. He has already completed his bachelor's degree and completed his two academic years of graduate school before arriving to the thesis level. He has completed his coursework in statistics and research methodology which require extreme focus. He has already gone through the brutal path of qualifying for the thesis threshold. He's already completed his comprehensive exam and requirement of 3.0 overall g.p.a.
> 
> What he needs is awareness that his responsibility includes an incoming child and a wife. He has a different role now.


I went through grad school too (and finished!). So i understand the kind of discipline you are talking about in all your posts. My husband is a genius. Tests and exams are a piece of cake to him. Sitting down and writing a long paper is a different story…my two cents anyways.

He definitely has the awareness, but sucks at the execution part.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

As you already know what it takes to complete the master's level, you know what to do. Your husband has made choices. You need a marriage counselor to set your goals in the same direction.


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