# How to handle an affair: Week 1



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Disclaimer: As posters in this forum, we do not have to live with the consequences of our advice. Always use your best judgment before taking any actions.

If you are here, then you are most likely in a relationship that has encountered an affair. You may have lots of questions, or you may just need someone to listen to you. Either way, your life has changed forever and the way you deal with this change will dramatically affect the relationship you are in. 

After reading hundreds of posts and replying to roughly 150 of them, I have found that there is a wide range of circumstance, but the way we respond to those circumstances doesn’t change much. As a male, I may refer to a DS as a she, but I will try to be objective there, just a heads up.

This post is directed at those on the *“victimized*” end of an affair. The Loyal Spouse. There are some telling signs that your marriage is savable and likewise there are signs that it is not. What I post here is my opinion of how to handle a salvageable relationship, what to do and *not do *and what to look for. This post is without sympathy, it is merely opinion based on experience and observation as well as a whole bunch of common sense. 

D-Day… The date of discovery is going to be the worst day of your life. You will equate this to a death of a child, the loss of a 20 year career, or being foreclosed upon in the home which has been in your family for generations. People react to the initial news in many ways. Desperation, rage, sorrow, disbelief and confusion are the most common feelings and how you act on those feelings will determine the course that your recovery takes. 

Your state of mind affects everything. The pain you feel is normal and it has a purpose. It is to let you know that something is wrong and needs changing. Ultimately the purpose of recovery is to change your situation. Change can only occur when you take action. You must NEVER take action before making a decision about that action. SO the first step in “What do I do now?” is to *make a decision*. 

Making that decision is the most important thing you will do in the process because all of your future actions will be based off that decision. You must stick to your decision and work toward realizing it (_Making it real_). What you need to know about making this decision is that you must never make a decision from a point or perspective of weakness.:scratchhead: If you are thinking “poor me” or “I just love her, I will change” or “I just want to know why” then you are not capable of making a sound decision. Your decision will be from a weak point of mind and when you do regain your strength, you will find that the decision you made now conflicts with your present state of mind.

There are a lot of things you can do to build your self-esteem back up. I suggest taking care of you by getting a new haircut, buying some clothes, hanging out with some positive people and listening to motivational speakers. Tony Robbins can change your state of mind in under an hour. This is for men and women alike. Trust me, it works.:smthumbup:

Action #1- You have a strong mind; you are ready to make a decision about your future and now it is time for your first action… *The commitment*. Without a commitment from your wife or husband to put 1000000% effort into the marriage, you have nothing. They made this commitment once before and broke it, so this time should be much easier. You must get them to commit to working on the marriage. This step comes before you get them to be honest about the affair, before they say I am sorry and before you say or do ANYTHING else. Without this, you may as well head over to the “divorced” boards.

Often times this is a hard thing to achieve. The Disloyal Spouse (DS) is no longer living in the “WE” of marriage, they are living in the “ME ME ME” of themselves. If you have made the decision to save your marriage, then every action after that will be aimed at that goal. This commitment is the foundation of that goal. 

It is important to NOT give them time to “think about it”. When your spouse is revealed as a cheater, they are in their most shameful and remorseful state. If you cannot get them to commit to your relationship now, *they never will*. You are in crisis mode… Your child has a fence post stuck in his chest; do you wait to take him to the hospital? NO, you rush him there and say “Fix it now!” Time is the enemy. Most times that we wait, we find that our spouse was stashing money away or checking out their options to flee from the responsibility. If they are concerned with your marriage, then the marriage will take priority over everything else. Demand it, do not waiver.

Now that you have a commitment, you can begin the healing process. Schedule therapy immediately, but when looking for a therapist, be sure that they have your goals in mind. Some therapists prioritize personal happiness; others try to protect the sanctity of marriage. Both will try to help you, but one is more likely to suggest a split sooner than the other. Ask for success rates, personal beliefs, are they married? Use common sense. I always suggest a pastor first, if you are spiritual. :biggrinangelA:

While waiting for therapy, there are some things you are going to want to do. Some are good ideas, some not so much. It would benefit both of you to write full disclosure letters to each other. The DS should disclose all the details, including the things you do not want to know. Dates, times and sexual acts or sexual conversations should be included. If you are not fully aware, you will always wonder what happened.  Likewise, you as the LS should write a letter telling how this event has affected you. If you want to tell her you are ashamed to be married to her, this is the time to get it out. Full Disclosure by both of you is important, she needs to know what she is up against in the forgiveness process, and you need to know everything for the very same reason.

You should be aware that these steps are milestone markers. They are tasks to be completed, not conversations to be had 100 times a day. Even though you are hurt and resentful, you are not entitled to call her or him a piece of crap every 5 minutes. When you bring this up constantly, that is what you are doing. *Productive*, quality conversations limited to one or two a day at the very most is your goal. 

If you cannot get a full disclosure within a week, let your therapist know that it is priority #1 to you. If weeks pass without it, you cannot move forward, Period. In the 1400’s the Catholic Church realize that for absolution (forgiveness) to take place, there had to be reconciliation. Reconciliation cannot take place without accepting responsibility. It has been that way for over 600 years; your case is not special. :crazy:

Severing Contact with the OM/OW – Look… this is an ABSOLUTE must do. I will go as far as to say that if your therapist is against this, they are an idiot.:banghead: You MUST be a witness to the end of the affair. Get him or her on speaker phone, have them say “I never want to talk to you again, I choose my spouse” in front of you. I promise you, that if you do that, you will never wonder if they are messing around. By doing this, you are cutting off your spouse’s options, making them stick to their commitment and verifying that your spouse is no longer having an affair. If your spouse says “I sent him an email” or “I told him no more” you will ALWAYS doubt it. You need to get this person on the phone and have your spouse end it, live and in your presence. The OM/OW will not pursue your spouse anymore if it is done properly. This step requires a set of* balls *like no other, I am not going to lie here, and it is a hard thing to ask your spouse to do. It is embarrassing and demeaning to them, but this is not the time to GIVE trust. That will come much further down the road. 

You have a commitment by your spouse to mend the relationship, you are getting therapy and you have disclosed your feelings and violations to one another and the affair is over. That is a pretty good start, wouldn’t you say? Be sure to do these things in the order I listed them. After all, knowing the details of the affair is useless data if the spouse won’t commit to the relationship, don’t you agree? Likewise, it is easier for her to end the affair once she has disclosed the information to you. Never make things harder on yourself than you have to. 


Some general advice:
================

Everyone wants to know the answer to this next question: “When will I trust her/him again” Here is your answer: no time soon. The fact is that you learned something you can’t “unknow”. Before D-Day, you thought this person was not capable of such a thing. This is like finding out that your spouse killed 9 people in their sleep 30 years ago. You are not just going to forget it. Look, God forgives us… but he doesn’t forget... He is still going to ask you about that weekend in Vegas when you get up there…. What makes you so special that you can forget? Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it about giving a person grace, mercy and receiving justice. Those three elements make up forgiveness. There is no forgetfulness in the equation. Trust and forgiveness have nothing to do with each other. Your mistrust is going to be around a while so the best thing to do is to manage it.

Communication: The 5 love languages is the best book available to start communicating with your spouse immediately. It should be required reading for a marriage license. This book will explain to you why she never felt love and you never felt love. It will explain to you how to instantly change your relationship, literally in a few hours. You’d be an idiot not to look at it. Period. Additionally, learn how to listen empathically. This is reflective listening that allows a person to open up. Empathic listening is the way to lead a horse to water and make them drink. You can help your spouse solve problems internally and communicate with you from a positive perspective. Google it, because I am already pushing 2,000 words here. 

Revenge: Bad idea, it solves nothing and takes away your moral supremacy. Basically put, do not do it. Karma likes to have fun with it, let her deal with that. 

Exposure: This is revenge hidden in backlash and street justice. I know a lot of people support exposure, but what you are doing is creating an environment for the cheater to be forced into submission. Exposure relates to telling family members and friends about the affair in hopes that shame changes the behavior of the DS. If the change doesn’t come from within, it is not genuine. You will get some temporary satisfaction from exposing your spouse’s misdeeds, but if you manage to save your relationship, she will be forever known as the hoe bag and you as the sap who kept her. Exposure is a bad idea in every sense of the phrase. 

Newer relationship: Look if you have no kids and are in the first 2-3 years of a marriage, I suggest parting paths. You do not want to start building this beautiful mansion for the next 40 years on a cracked foundation. To me, this is a no brainer. Some may disagree, but this is my opinion. You will spend more time mending the relationship than you already have invested in it. Treat it like a bad stock and SELL SELL SELL, before you end up losing the farm. 

I hope this helps a little, I am sure there will more to come in the next few days, but I think this is a good start to those in crisis. I tried to keep it as generic as possible, but I should say this… Go to church, and if you don’t think your cheating spouse will burst into flames in the parking lot..:FIREdevil: Take them too. 

Twotimeloser – Been there, done that… Twice.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Sound advice Twotime. Only exposure I did was to some of his immediate family, mine and a few close friends. I am still too emotional right now to really give him a deadline, because right now today if I said I will be filing today, it's likely with his foggy head he'd say, do what you wanna do....and I know right now he doesn't wanna go that route either. I am not giving him time to make a decision, I am waiting for my head to clear before I do anything rash, as you said.

Anyways I am gonna order that love languages book and the other book that was recommended to me, I kind of forgot about it. 

I am taking my power back today dude, I am gonna WORK OUT!!! First time in years, boy my lungs are gonna hate me dude, and i am gonna phase out the smoking. Snow storm this weekend, so a perfect time to really gut my house too. WHEEE!!!! LOL


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Great attitude Paramore.. Keep the momentum. and get that body rocking! Sweat it out!


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

woot!!! I just got done ordering those books too, if I get a rockin bod and he goes to that little chunk, who btw in their hs relationship was controlling, an emotionally needy person, etc. (I realize people change over the years) so be it. I did my grieving, not gonna make timeline decisions right now, because I am still unsettled, but I am gonna work on me, he can think it's me just yet again trying to get what I want, but eff that, I am single right now, not technically, but I am gonna live that way. NO I am NOT going to see guys, but live single, I am not gonna be the one to add fuel to the fire as he is choosing to. I won't even think about dating for years if we divorce. Focus on my kids, me, my house, etc. I am going to work on not obsessing, which is getting better day by day, if he can't see me for who I am and get past his issues, that's his problem, not mine. If he can't see I am clearly the better choice, he's gonna have to live with the regret.


----------



## Just a guy (Feb 17, 2011)

Twotime, 
Maybe I'm not welcome on this thread because I am a DS, and as I've seen in other threads will probably be lambasted, but, I want to take one exception with your comment about forgiveness. For while man can't forget, if you believe the Bible to be God's word...there are plenty of scriptures to the contrary of what you said. I will admit I struggle with the idea of an all knowing God choosing to forget if I've asked His forgiveness, but if he is all knowing then He is also all powerfull and can in fact choose to forget the sins of those that believe in Him and have confessed their sins and asked for His forgiveness. I can take comfort that while my wife may say she forgives me but can't necessarily forget that I am not considered a worthless looser forever in God's eyes.

Here are just a few scriptures I thought of....

Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, who sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord doesn't count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit" (Psalm 32:1-2). 

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" (Isaiah 43:25). 

"It is possible for the Lord to look at us without seeing our sins because when he forgave us, he removed our sins as far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12). 


JAG


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If you are in a moment of clarity, now is the time to make decisions.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Just a guy said:


> Twotime,
> Maybe I'm not welcome on this thread because I am a DS, and as I've seen in other threads will probably be lambasted, but, I want to take one exception with your comment about forgiveness. For while man can't forget, if you believe the Bible to be God's word...there are plenty of scriptures to the contrary of what you said. I will admit I struggle with the idea of an all knowing God choosing to forget if I've asked His forgiveness, but if he is all knowing then He is also all powerfull and can in fact choose to forget the sins of those that believe in Him and have confessed their sins and asked for His forgiveness. I can take comfort that while my wife may say she forgives me but can't necessarily forget that I am not considered a worthless looser forever in God's eyes.
> 
> Here are just a few scriptures I thought of....
> ...


I can agree with that, but it really about the interpritation of "forget" 

When I read this : "Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, who sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord doesn't count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit" (Psalm 32:1-2)." - I read that we will not be made to pay for those sins not that God will litteraly be like " sin, what sin?" I am speaking of absolution without reconilliation. In other words, times where god has forgiveness for us, when we did not reconcile the sin. Asked forgiveness is differnt I think, than forgiveness that is given to us. IE original sin etc... but hey, i try to not get into religious conversations often on the boards, because it if often given the old "eye roll" and such. 

To clarify - I am refering to "forget" in a defined version of the word... You will never forget it. She will never forget it. Triggers will always bring the feeling back. It how you manage that moment that will determine your marital health.

I conceede that God, being all powerful has the ability to do all things, include forget. I do believe though, that the example i used offers some clarity to the point i was trying to make. That forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Great thread.

I will disagree strongly on the exposure opinion though.

Maybe something we could debate sometime?

Another time in another thread prehaps.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Yes, i respect the opposition, i just disagree with exposure.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I go back on forth with exposure, I did to some people on my immediate family, friends, and he did with his, I told a member or two of his side, not so much as to shame him so to speak, but so they know my side as well. I love my husband and don't want to give him any more reason to resent me, I don't want to push him closer to her. I am was a ds/ now ls. My story is complicated and quite messed up lol. I think you never forget, but you don't sit and stew about it. To me to not forget is you always know it happened it's there, you learn from your mistakes and move forward. Hindsight is always 20/20.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

As I have mentioned before, i have been through the ring of death twice... In the first marriage i did some exposure.. her mom and such.. and let me tell you, it did nothing. As a matter of fact, her mom told me nightmares about how she blew some kid behind a dumpster when she was 12.. WTF? Thats not exactly what i was hoping to hear LOL. 

Now with time #2, no exposure whatsoever. and we worked it out.. and I am really glad i do not have to deal with public ridicule when we hang out with our friends and family. - just saying.


----------



## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> Yes, i respect the opposition, i just disagree with exposure.


I cant agree with exposure as well - it not only made me feel better that when he cheated i was able to put him down by telling others. but at the same time it also made me feel embarrassed that i was being cheated on and my kids were feeling they were lied too and treated badly as well. 
Exposure was more bad for me than it was good.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

See in my situation, after the first incident happened, we had agreed to keep it between us, as we were both ashamed and embarrassed. I had found out shortly after he had told his sister and bro in law where he was staying, and one of our good male friends, which made me very very angry, because I thought we were going to keep it to ourselves, besides them only knowing his side of the story. The only difference in our stories is that he is convinced I helped concoct the whole situation, and I know darn well I didn't. I would have never ever said a word to anyone if he hadn't opened his mouth.

So I eventually opened up to my mom, sister and a best friend. This time around, I figured he got to tell his side the first time, I am gonna give my side to all the same people. Besides, one of his sisters had already kind of heard, either the other sister who was sworn to secrecy had blabbed or he had told her too.

My main point, I would have never exposed this particular situation at all if he hadn't opened his mouth about the first incident. Not about revenge in the least, I just wanted people to actually hear my side for once.


----------



## avalaine (Mar 4, 2011)

One of the first things we actually talked about after that first day was exposure. I told two of my good friends (both of which happen to be long distance friends). And he told his boss (since the OW is a coworker, he felt he had to tell his boss so that she would understand why he needed to start working shifts opposite the OW schedule).

We have not spoken about this to any other friends/family, and we're going to keep it that way. As angry as I am with him (and yes - I'm finally angry!), he simply made a mistake. And he should not be punished for that mistake by people who were not a part of that mistake.


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Thanks for taking the time to help newly betrayed people.

The only point I disagree with is the DECISION part.....at least to an extent.

I think you can decide if you are WILLING to work on the relationship, but not much more.

Most betrayed don't even know (or never do) what they are dealing with for a LONG time after DDAY.

The trickle truth reveals a lot of set backs.

The actions your mentioned are mainly directed at the loyal spouse.

I think most successful reconciliations are heavily driven by disloyal spouse.


----------



## avalaine (Mar 4, 2011)

I think you make a good point, bluesky. And when I talk to him tonight, I'm going to ask him to commit to TRYING to work things out. Asking for anything more than that would be unfair.

Especially since I firmly believe that infidelity is the result of a greater problem that has been ignored. Infidelity is an escape when things at home aren't working like they used to. And you have to address what happened leading up to the betrayal.

I am confident that I can forgive him for infidelity. But I am not at all confident that we will be able to fix what led him to it. I have not been the perfect partner. And our relationship had hit a rough patch when this happened.

I can't ask him to DECIDE to fix things, when neither of us is even sure yet what it is that needs to be fixed.

So, I'm going to ask him to commit to trying to fix things.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

bluesky said:


> Thanks for taking the time to help newly betrayed people.
> 
> The only point I disagree with is the DECISION part.....at least to an extent.
> 
> I think you can decide if you are WILLING to work on the relationship, but not much more.



That *IS* the decision I am speaking of. 
You need to decide between a willingness to try, or not. And to make that decision you need to be in a strong mental state. 




bluesky said:


> The actions your mentioned are mainly directed at the loyal spouse.
> 
> I think most successful reconciliations are heavily driven by disloyal spouse.


Most successful reconciliations are DEPENDANT on the disloyal spouse and their cooperation. If the Loyal Spouse has made a decision to save the marriage, then the reconcilliation should be DRIVEN by the loyal spouse. After all, The loyal spouse has the working moral compass, and you dont want the DS, driving the ship with a broken moral compass.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

avalaine said:


> I can't ask him to DECIDE to fix things, when neither of us is even sure yet what it is that needs to be fixed.
> 
> So, I'm going to ask him to commit to trying to fix things.


the "Decision" part was already made... Your decision to attempt to save the marriage.

The commitment is the next step, and you are right on track with that it seems!

when you said " I cant ask him to DECIDE to fix things" I think you misunderstood what i was saying... When you ask for the commitment, that is when he "DECIDES" to try or not. You already made your decision when you concluded that you should ask for a commitment.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I think we hit that stage today, I asked him what made him decide to end it with her and come home...he said time to p*ss or get off the pot, it's time to start figuring things out, working things out so we can make decisions about the future, I THINK that is a commitment to try and work things out so we can decide if we stay together or not. At least that's how I'm taking it. We shall see....and I forgot to say thanks for listening to me cry and whine all week twotime lol.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

paramore said:


> I forgot to say thanks for listening to me cry and whine all week twotime lol.


I didnt hear any crying or whining, just a woman trying to work things out.


----------



## avalaine (Mar 4, 2011)

I would like to thank you, too, twotime. You are the only person who has given me any advice, and you are the only person who hasn't placed a judgment on me or on my partner.

These situations are negative enough, you know?


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

> It is important to NOT give them time to “think about it”. When your spouse is revealed as a cheater, they are in their most shameful and remorseful state. If you cannot get them to commit to your relationship now, they never will.
> 
> You are in crisis mode… Your child has a fence post stuck in his chest; do you wait to take him to the hospital? NO, you rush him there and say “Fix it now!” Time is the enemy. Most times that we wait, we find that our spouse was stashing money away or checking out their options to flee from the responsibility. If they are concerned with your marriage, then the marriage will take priority over everything else. Demand it, do not waiver.


*I do not agree. Most cheating spouses have no idea what they are capable of at this point. Even if they CLAIM to commit, it would be foolhardy to believe them. In some cases, an early, uncommitted, reluctant cheating spouse can become completely recommitted. In other cases, the ones who APPEAR to be completely remorseful....and recommit entirely.....cheat again. There is no recipe for success. Each relationship and individual is different. Using superlatives to demonstrate your point is counterproductive. * 



> Now that you have a commitment, you can begin the healing process. Schedule therapy immediately, but when looking for a therapist, be sure that they have your goals in mind. Some therapists prioritize personal happiness; others try to protect the sanctity of marriage. Both will try to help you, but one is more likely to suggest a split sooner than the other. Ask for success rates, personal beliefs, are they married? Use common sense. I always suggest a pastor first, if you are spiritual.


*This completely depends on the circumstances surrounding the affair. Furthermore, IC may be the way to go prior to MC.*


> While waiting for therapy, there are some things you are going to want to do. Some are good ideas, some not so much. It would benefit both of you to write full disclosure letters to each other. The DS should disclose all the details, including the things you do not want to know. Dates, times and sexual acts or sexual conversations should be included. If you are not fully aware, you will always wonder what happened.


*I completely disagree. It may NOT benefit a person to learn details.....EVEN IF THEY DO WANT THEM. You cannot UNASK a question. Many make this mistake and later regret it. I know men that have asked for PENIS size and CUM load info.....and are permantly damaged (they did not get the answer they were hoping for). This is a personal choice. Many are able to recover without knowing sexual details.*



> Likewise, you as the LS should write a letter telling how this event has affected you. If you want to tell her *(or him)* you are ashamed to be married to her, this is the time to get it out. Full Disclosure by both of you is important, she needs to know what she*(or he)*is up against in the forgiveness process, and you need to know everything for the very same reason.


*Cool...........sharing feelings.*



> You should be aware that these steps are milestone markers. They are tasks to be completed, not conversations to be had 100 times a day. Even though you are hurt and resentful, you are not entitled to call her or him a piece of crap every 5 minutes. When you bring this up constantly, that is what you are doing. Productive, quality conversations limited to one or two a day at the very most is your goal.


*Agreed for the most part.*



> If you cannot get a full disclosure within a week, let your therapist know that it is priority #1 to you. If weeks pass without it, you cannot move forward, Period. In the 1400’s the Catholic Church realize that for absolution (forgiveness) to take place, there had to be reconciliation. Reconciliation cannot take place without accepting responsibility. It has been that way for over 600 years; your case is not special.


*I completely disagree. I RARELY hear (in the thousands I am familiar with) of complete disclosure in a week.....or a month for that matter. Perhaps with a ONS, complete disclosure is possible.......its close to IMPOSSIBLE for an LTA. 
Trickle truth occurs in most reconciliations. Please do not set absolute guidelines to the people suffering from an affair.*



> Severing Contact with the OM/OW – Look… this is an ABSOLUTE must do. I will go as far as to say that if your therapist is against this, they are an idiot. You MUST be a witness to the end of the affair. Get him or her on speaker phone, have them say “I never want to talk to you again, I choose my spouse” in front of you. I promise you, that if you do that, you will never wonder if they are messing around.


*I COMPLETELY agree with severing contact.
However, I COMPLETELY disagree that by listening to your spouse ending the affair on speakerphone would eliminate future doubt. Take it from me......I LISTENED TO THE TERMINATION OF THE AFFAIR AND STILL DOUBT.*



> The OM/OW will not pursue your spouse anymore if it is done properly.


*It depends really...each case and OM/OW are different.
I had to involve the police.*



> Communication: The 5 love languages is the best book available to start communicating with your spouse immediately. It should be required reading for a marriage license. This book will explain to you why she never felt love and you never felt love. It will explain to you how to instantly change your relationship, literally in a few hours. You’d be an idiot not to look at it. Period.


*I read it and found it informative....PERIOD. I would not characterize anyone as being an idiot for not reading it.
I also do not know WHAT the best book on this subject is.....I haven't read them all.....have you?*



> Additionally, learn how to listen empathically. This is reflective listening that allows a person to open up. Empathic listening is the way to lead a horse to water and make them drink. You can help your spouse solve problems internally and communicate with you from a positive perspective.


*Fantastic suggestion.*

Revenge: Bad idea, it solves nothing and takes away your moral supremacy. Basically put, do not do it. Karma likes to have fun with it, let her deal with that. 

*I agree completely....it can make a horrible situation even more disastrous. *



> Exposure: This is revenge hidden in backlash and street justice. I know a lot of people support exposure, but what you are doing is creating an environment for the cheater to be forced into submission. Exposure relates to telling family members and friends about the affair in hopes that shame changes the behavior of the DS. If the change doesn’t come from within, it is not genuine. You will get some temporary satisfaction from exposing your spouse’s misdeeds, but if you manage to save your relationship, she will be forever known as the hoe bag and you as the sap who kept her. Exposure is a bad idea in every sense of the phrase.


*Well....this really depends on the situation. In some cases, exposure is not the best course of action......in other cases its NECESSARY.*



> Go to church, and if you don’t think your cheating spouse will burst into flames in the parking lot.. Take them too.


*Not good advise for Athiests. *


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

*Blue Sky!!!​*
Ok, I am not sure what the *BOLD *letters mean...

But I want to repost... just for you... the part that you might have missed



> Disclaimer: As posters in this forum, we do not have to live with the consequences of our advice. Always use your best judgment before taking any actions.


That means This is my opinon, it is just advice, and should be taken lightly.




> What I post here is my *opinion* of how to handle a *salvageable relationship* This post is without sympathy, it is merely *opinion *


This means that i am taking about SALVAGABLE marriages.. As in ones where both parties are wanting to save the marriage. And again i state this is Opinon - specific to that kind of relationship.

Clearly there is no perfect plan for everyone, but the steps i laid out here are a good starting point for people who dont know what to do. I fully support everyone's opinion, and I think if someone has another Idea, they should post it to benefit the community. I was just taken back a little by the "bold" type and it seemed a little aggressive. 

Smile! we all want the best for our friends here!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

2X,
You have some great perspective since you have gone through this crap and folks do have there own advise and take from this forum what they will. 
In my opinion its great to have some folks aggree and some folks disagree it give the newbies both ways to look at things and different perspectives on how to deal with this sh*t.

Granted there is a script that all cheaters follow but in the same breath each of us has our own reasons for taking actions on dealing with it. I think for the most part there is a constant that should be followed in dealing with cheaters and that is no begging pleading or crying. For others they may need to show how hurt they are by show these emotions. Some LS may even feel the need to leave the home, I for one dont.

I quess my point is everone has an opinion. And there is a majority of actions that do apply and work in dealing with infidelity. Once a newbie start surfing thru these forums they can see the constants that work and the misstaked that other make. Isn't TAM awsome?

Again thats just my $0.02


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I too am referring to affair recovery.
Your opinion came off rather authoritative.....so I was just pointing out another opinion.

I did not intend the bold to be aggressive.......I just wanted to clearly distinguish it from the quoted area.

Your effort to help others is clearly appreciated.....especially by me. I was simply adding my opinion.


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

:iagree:Yeah, i totally agree, we need as many options presented as possible.. I did try and state several times that it was opinion but it may have come off as authoritive.. I was pretty passionate writing it. LOL

But I do 100% beleive in what i posted, and have had success with it, both in my own life and advice to friends and such. There is always going to be some adjusting that needs to be made, and that is why we need everyone's input... this is just mine.:smthumbup:


----------



## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Made that bluesky a little smaller.. LOL


----------

