# Does the Cheating Spouse Ever Feel Guilty



## dale1657 (May 10, 2017)

This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me. 

Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

dale1657 said:


> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Some do ... very few ... and certainly not someone like your cheating wife. Most are only sorry the got caught.

Consider yourself lucky that she left. Finish cutting that cancer out of your life and divorce. You are better off without her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I know this isn't the answer to your question, but you need to know you are not in any way responsible for her affair. You may have contributed to a bad marriage, but the affair is all on her.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Like we say in Texas, you need to take the bull by the horns and divorce her ASAP. Take control and don't let her steamroll you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some do, some don’t. Why? Because most feel that they were justified in leaving the marriage.

If she is ever going to feel guilt, it will come after he dumps her. 

It’s very unusual for an affair to last long. I think 2 years is about the longest, with most ending at about 6 to 12 months. And yes, some rare ones, about 3%, last long term.
According to Dr. Harley, most cheating spouse try to return to their marriage by the 2 year mark. The question is, are you willing to wait that long? Do you even want her back now after what she’s been doing?

Right now, your best bet is to interact with her account to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). As long as she is involved in an affair, you are best to just pull away.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You must protect yourself,

Focus on you not her
Do the 180 to emotionally detach 
No contact, no communication, except via emails on matters related to house, finances, etc
Do you have kids?
Have you contacted a lawyer? Do so yesterday, you don't want her to come bite you in the butt financially
Is the house yours?
Go for some therapy, to sort out yourself, go to the gym, join a club etc, build yourself up
Do not wait for her or play the 'pick me' dance, that is the worst thing you could do.
If she had that 'ah ha' moment, it probably wouldn't work out anyhow, unless you had intensive MC


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


I don't believe the people who do what your wife did are capable of feeling guilty not in the same way that people who would never cheat do. Because if they did they wouldn't do it. There would be no fun in it. Are there people who cheat that do feel guilty? Yes and they usually confess right away. But people who lie for long periods of time just don't think the same way. 

The best thing you can do with people like your wife is run away from them. Far far away. They are toxic. Your life will be much happier for it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Your cheater?

Apparently not, at least not in any sort of meaningful way, no.

Anyway, what does it matter? What will her guilt accomplish?

When's the divorce?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

And why on earth are you giving her the option of having you sitting there while she lives with her boyfriend. You are accepting her declaration that she wants an open marriage, with boyfriend getting all the sex and you contributing financial support.
If you friend or brother presented this to you what would you tell him to do.

See an attorney. Tell her she can have her boyfriend but you will not participate in a three way relationship. You will get you answer rather quickly on if she will come back or not. 

Then the question is why would you want her???


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Okay so you finally woke up and smelled the coffee...are you going to continue taking her BS or are you to finally manning up and firing her ass as your wife...


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It's one of the paradoxes you often see in an affair: She tells you to wait around while she chooses between you and her boyfriend. But you waiting around, being always available like a lost puppy, makes you less attractive to her. So she's ironically _less_ likely to choose you even though you've been told to wait around. What she should see instead is an independent, confident man who will be just fine without her. Start hitting the gym, dressing better, and projecting an aura of confidence and happiness that other women will be attracted to. Stop contacting her. Let her contact you about only practical matters ("did you pay the power bill?", etc.) but be very brief in your answers. 

Along the way you'll discover that you _will_ be just fine without her. The problem with attention-seekers like your wife is that they can never get enough attention. Unless they can get over their issues, they'll always be dissatisfied with the status quo. She'll ultimately tire of her boyfriend's attention and, like a parasite, move on to the next host.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I can't speak for all WSs, but in my case I am not happier and I do feel guilty. I made a huge mistake. I got separated not too long ago. The typical I need space scenario. The reality was it was to be with my mistress. We'd convinced one another that we were perfect for one another. So I moved out. Once I did I realized all sorts of things. For starters she didn't care about my kids, she never met them, but I was with them a lot and she would always get mad about it. I soon realized that we also had very little to talk about. In fact....she always did most of the talking. Then the crazy jealousness started, she became paranoid that I was going to return home, or that I was cheating on her with someone else. It became an obsession for her. We fought every day. In the end all we had was sex, I was completely miserable otherwise so I ended it. Biggest mistake of my life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


*If they ever do feel any of those pangs of remorse, it is preeminently whenever they are totally isolated and alone; and not in the company of someone!

And if, perchance, they are the unconscionable type, that event would rarely ever happen, unless, of course, their "betrayed" can offer them some needed commodity that they might not otherwise be able to procure through any other means! 

In your case, you seem to be little more than her veritable "Plan B!" I'd say that you'd be much better off by placing her image squarely in your rear-view mirror!*


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

dale1657 said:


> This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him.


Dale my man, whatjew mean, "She can't choose between me and him"? She's living with the boyfriend and you're on the outside looking in. This means she's chosen him. 
What you need is a no contact letter; one where you are telling her not to contact you. But of course, if she's so beautiful and you love and trust her so much you're willing to be her standby stooge when things go sideways with her current squeeze and she searches for a replacement, have at it. It sure sounds to me like you've landed a wonderful woman there Dawg.
In the meantime, don't hold your breath for an apology.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Friend. 

Your Wife made a decision and now you have to made yours. 

She was Cheating on you before she moved out so this is why she bring the conversation about dating other people. She moved in with her Boyfriend,doing it in front of your eyes,Friends,Family... What more do you need ???

This shows me she moved on and left you behind. Dont beg her because it will only make her feel better about herself and her Affair. 

Another question. How did you not know about her living with her Boyfriend ? Someone had to see her,you did talk with her trying to repair Marriage ? 

If you think some of your Friends or Family covered up for her then you need to forget about them. 

Stay strong.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dale1657 said:


> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Why would they when they have a betrayed spouse only too happy to make excuse after excuse for their cheating asses?

Let's see, she had a "rough childhood" (wow..she's so _*unique*_...NOT) so that means you've constantly had to pander to her and act as though she's queen of the universe. When you dropped the ball and Miss Self-Entitled didn't have your 24/7 attention and adoration, she had to replace you with the next fool willing to cater to her and her 'special' needs. Then she moved out and in with said fool 6 months ago.

And now, to her sheer self-entitled delight, she's got TWO men foolishly wanting to be with her, and she 'can't _decide_' which one she wants.

Isn't she just* special*?

If I were you OP, I'd make that decision FOR her by having her sorry ass served with divorce papers. Don't ever disrespect yourself clamoring to try to 'win' back a lying POS like this.


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## dale1657 (May 10, 2017)

Thanks peeps. Im from town A and shes from town C. We moved to town B, which is 20 or so minutes from both in the middle. Town C is where she moved so thats their stomping ground and quite easy for them to hide it better. But my family and friends would not hide it because they all want to kill her. The wedding they stood in and invested so much time and money, including her on holidays and her bday. She comes from a dysfunctional family so my family always had her back. Her and my mom became basically best friends in a motherly kind of way. Her family admittedly likes me better than her beacuse she is known to blow up and start fights about what they did to her in the past. It was really messed up what they did, but no need to go through that.

Bottom line is that my wife was my only real relationship. All I had was a million one night stands and short lived girlfriends. I always tried to be manly and not vulnerable but when my wife came along, that changed. Felt connected to someone and we went crazy with sex, emotions, just all bright eyed and bushy tailed 7 years ago. So i guess I need to admit that maybe Im codependent on her since thats the only love Ive ever had. But I need to do a 180 and move on down the road. Its obviously never going to work in the current situation.

Just hoping there was some silver lining, but obviously there is none barring some sort of divine intervention.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Remorse? At this point why care. Her day in court is coming.

I'll assume since you didn't mention... no children. Please Lawyer Up as in yesterday.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> I can't speak for all WSs, but in my case I am not happier and I do feel guilty. I made a huge mistake. I got separated not too long ago. The typical I need space scenario. The reality was it was to be with my mistress. We'd convinced one another that we were perfect for one another. So I moved out. Once I did I realized all sorts of things. For starters she didn't care about my kids, she never met them, but I was with them a lot and she would always get mad about it. I soon realized that we also had very little to talk about. In fact....she always did most of the talking. Then the crazy jealousness started, she became paranoid that I was going to return home, or that I was cheating on her with someone else. It became an obsession for her. We fought every day. In the end all we had was sex, I was completely miserable otherwise so I ended it. Biggest mistake of my life.


No offense but how much did you care about your kids when you left their mother to be with your mistress? Your post reads more like, it didn't work out so I feel bad, not I feel guilty because did a terrible thing. I think this pretty much confirms my point. Assuming it worked you you were having fun and she liked your kids then you would be pretty happy with the situation, no concern for how it effects your wife or kids.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dale1657 said:


> Thanks peeps. Im from town A and shes from town C. We moved to town B, which is 20 or so minutes from both in the middle. Town C is where she moved so thats their stomping ground and quite easy for them to hide it better. But my family and friends would not hide it because they all want to kill her. The wedding they stood in and invested so much time and money, including her on holidays and her bday. She comes from a dysfunctional family so my family always had her back. Her and my mom became basically best friends in a motherly kind of way. Her family admittedly likes me better than her beacuse she is known to blow up and start fights about what they did to her in the past. It was really messed up what they did, but no need to go through that.
> 
> Bottom line is that my wife was my only real relationship. All I had was a million one night stands and short lived girlfriends. I always tried to be manly and not vulnerable but when my wife came along, that changed. Felt connected to someone and we went crazy with sex, emotions, just all bright eyed and bushy tailed 7 years ago. So i guess I need to admit that maybe Im codependent on her since thats the only love Ive ever had. But I need to do a 180 and move on down the road. Its obviously never going to work in the current situation.
> 
> Just hoping there was some silver lining, but obviously there is none barring some sort of divine intervention.


Yeah this is a good start. Learn from this one.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

dale1657 said:


> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done.


OP, you're asking the wrong question.

After the way she has deceived and betrayed you; you should be asking "How quickly can I put her in the rear view mirror and move on with my life?"

In your mind; you're still available as her plan B. 

Use your anger to strengthen your resolve. Get into some counseling for codependency. Eat healthy, exercise, and stay active. And if at all possible, completely end all contact with her.


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## dale1657 (May 10, 2017)

Be smart,

I re read my post and I did not mean date other people, she said for me and her to date each other again to regain the spark. Oh well, her spark was somewhere else.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Some WS have guilt. I have a ton. I hate what I did. But, I also did not have a long affair, I had what equates to a one night stand that I actually stopped during the act. So take this for what it’s worth. 

I did somewhat have an aha moment. It took me a while to really, fully understand how much I’d hurt him. In my eyes, my marriage had been crap, I fed into the compliments like they were drugs and I did what I did. But, I realized it was wrong, stopped and never did anything again. The problem was, then I lied about it for a long time and told him it was just a kiss. I didn’t own up to what I did and I convinced myself that if I acted like it didn’t happen, then it would really be like it didn’t happen. So no, I didn’t have an aha moment right away, and I did have it later on down the road. But I’d never left him for my AP or get to a point where I didn’t know if I wanted my marriage or not. So it is a little different than your situation. 

I CAN tell you though that you cannot reconcile with a remorseless cheater, and that’s exactly what your wife is. You should not be waiting for her aha moment that she comes crawling back. Move on with your life. She doesn’t deserve you while she’s out galavanting around with her boyfriend. Maybe 2-3 years down the road she’ll have her aha moment and you can get back together if she’s actually grown as a person, but I doubt it. She’s a cake eating delusional woman who you are ALLOWING to have her cake and eat it too, which means she has zero respect for you. You love her, I get it. However, you deserve better. 

BTW, her cheating is not your fault, has nothing to do with you OR her childhood and is 110% a CHOICE that she made and is continuing to make. Every affair has contributing factors, but ultimately comes down to CHOICES that are morally wrong and selfish.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

dale1657 said:


> Be smart,
> 
> I re read my post and I did not mean date other people, she said for me and her to date each other again to regain the spark. Oh well, her spark was somewhere else.


She wants you to play the pick me game which never works and only fuels her attention cravings. It's not you or him, it's her ever growing appetite for attention. It ends up being a bottomless pit and they can't get enough. 

You mentioned a silver lining in an earlier post. Your silver lining is you've been married less than 2 years, it should be an easy divorce and while it doesnt look or feel like it today in a couple of months you will realize your better off without her and you got out. Cut your losses and heal yourself. These situations rarely ever get better unless the ws does a huge amount of work on themselves and the longer you stay married the more complicated divorce gets.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> Some WS have guilt. I have a ton. I hate what I did. But, I also did not have a long affair, I had what equates to a one night stand that I actually stopped during the act. So take this for what it’s worth.
> 
> I did somewhat have an aha moment. It took me a while to really, fully understand how much I’d hurt him. In my eyes, my marriage had been crap, I fed into the compliments like they were drugs and I did what I did. But, I realized it was wrong, stopped and never did anything again. The problem was, then I lied about it for a long time and told him it was just a kiss. I didn’t own up to what I did and I convinced myself that if I acted like it didn’t happen, then it would really be like it didn’t happen. So no, I didn’t have an aha moment right away, and I did have it later on down the road. But I’d never left him for my AP or get to a point where I didn’t know if I wanted my marriage or not. So it is a little different than your situation.
> 
> ...


Damn LF,

You are spot on. My WW was a serial cheater. Reflex reaction I should of D her. But... she pleaded for mercy. I gave her a 1 year chance. It can happen... rarely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Some do, some don't.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. She had a horrible childhood and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. *She can't choose between me and him.* Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> She chose him but is keeping you as backup
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


You are looking for some magic to fix all this. There isn't any. Until you wake up and see this is your life around her you'll just wallow in limbo.

Why?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah, she CLEARLY chose him. She moved out of your house and into his. How confused is she?

You've got to move on. When you have, you will look back and realize you were given the gift of moving on. 

Your wife is a horrid ****ty person.

Start dating-----NOT your wife.

She blames YOU for the affair and is BITTER toward YOU???????
Geez man, why do you care? 
I think I could beat her at the blame and bitterness game, lol.

She would be really bitter when she saw the young, classy, hot woman I dated after her....... as your wife should be when you finally move on.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

dale1657 said:


> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Yea usually when they get dumped by their boyfriends or you hit them with D papers, about the only time it works


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

dale1657 said:


> Be smart,
> 
> I re read my post and I did not mean date other people, she said for me and her to date each other again to regain the spark. Oh well, her spark was somewhere else.


Dale,

Read what you just wrote again. She wants to live with her boyfriend and "date" you. How nice of her. 
If you are up for that you are on the wrong forum. You need to go to a "polyamory" forum and you will get advice on how to learn to live with this and be happy for her. Those geniuses call it "compersion"


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

RWB said:


> Damn LF,
> 
> You are spot on. My WW was a serial cheater. Reflex reaction I should of D her. But... she pleaded for mercy. I gave her a 1 year chance. It can happen... rarely.


From my experience.....rarely is the wrong word. More like extremely unlikely.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

dale1657 said:


> This is not about revenge because I'm not that type of person. Short story is that my wife was not happy with our marriage because I did not give her the attention she needed. *She had a horrible childhood* and needs attention, more than the average woman. She moved out saying we needed space to date again, and that she still was in love with me. She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend. This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. She blames me on the affair and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


One word for you. Please listen carefully.
RUN!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She may feel some guilt for what she is doing, but not remorse. 

Guilt and remorse are two separate things. Guilt is inward focused and remorse is outward focused. 

See a lawyer, have her served with D papers, and end this sham.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

dale1657 said:


> She moved out saying *we needed space to date again,* and that she still was in love with me. *She would never tell me where she moved to. Ended up, she moved in with her boyfriend.* This has been 6 months ago. She can't choose between me and him. Me being naive and trusting in my wife, I beleieved her so I did not find out until a month ago. In hindsight, it all makes since now, all the stupid lies I knew sounded crazy but I believed anyway. *She blames me on the affair *and still won't come clean and is very angry and bitter towards me.
> 
> Guess simple question is, do these people ever have an aha moment and think what have I done. Especially when it's been a long term affair.


Some do have that "a-ha" moment. Not your wife currently, if ever. For women, its more rare than for men and for many, when they do - their pride will keep them from admitting their faults.

Do what others have said. Go to a lawyer, file for D. It's the weekend, but you can make phone calls today or Saturday. Meet with someone on Mon or Tues to file for D and move on.

1 - She moved out 6 months ago. She is having sex and dating this new guy... she isn't thinking about you.
2 - The "lets date" is bullcrap. It's a game. She's pulling your leg, maybe to not "hurt you as much" - so that after a few weeks or months, you'll get the "hint".
3 - She blaming you, typical.

Really, get divorced. Start it so you can heal and find a better woman. Your WW is in la-la land, this is the time to do it. She has left your home, its no longer hers.
whatever crap she has left behind, pack it up - carefully. And put it into a storage room, use a combination padlock - and text her the #. Pay for 1 month of storage.
Since you don't know where she lives - have her served the D-papers at WORK. She has a job, right?
Keep all possible evidence of her affair, her leaving (go ahead and change the locks). Any future talks with her - record it.

good luck.


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## rustybrain (Mar 7, 2016)

Get out of this relationship my friend. See my thread. Very similar backgrounds. Cheaters like your wife only have regret if caught red handed or embarrassed. You wont ever fix this woman. She has an inner vacuum from her past that will suck you dry. Empathy is required. You will find out she mimic emotions to keep you on the hook. Run my friend. Even if you heart breaks run.


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