# Husband confessed he had a kid b4 our marriage!!



## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

We've been married for a year and half & dated for a year before that.We have a 11 month old LB..A couple of days ago my Husband told me that he had kid before we had even met.He told me he just couldnt keep it away any longer because he knew sooner or later someone in his family would bring it up & he was scared that any day while at the store or anyother place hed run into this girl.Says he never really dated this girl it was just his teenage booty call he was about 19 when this happened.He never knew she ended up pregnant until she was almost due.he tried to work things out with her but she didnt want to.hes only seen his daughter once about 3 days after she was born then never knew anything about them since.Hes been a great father & husband and i know how hard it might be to know he has a child but know nothing about her.he says he didnt tell me before because hes really scared of loosing us & that he loves US and that other girl meant nothing to him.Its something very hard for me just cant get it out of my head allday.I thought i had given him his 1st child.I dont know what to do the day we do run into her and his lg.i love him and do understand this was before we had even met.i told him id be here with him and that he wouldnt loose us that is was a mistake he had had but that it wasnt the childs fault.he wants to look for her and meet her or at least know about her. im juust scared of what might happenn & that i might just be thinking this way because they arent in present yet and once they are it will all change..any advice or comments please
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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

child out of marriage,family with another woman,husbands ex,ex their kids,
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He should have told you a long time ago. And not because he was afraid of running into her somewhere. That sounds like a terrible excuse to keep something this big a secret.



> he says he didnt tell me before because hes really scared of loosing us & that he loves US and that other girl meant nothing to him.


I don't believe his other excuse either... he's afraid of you walking away? So to insure less chance of that happening he marries and has a child with you. Selfish. Purely selfish reasons for not being honest with you. It's not his decision whether you stay or not in his life. 

I understand you being afraid of what comes from this. I also think it's up to your husband to make sure you have very little stress from here on out over it. It's his mess to clean up. Be there for him if you want to, but remember you didn't ask for this nonsense.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

That's a big secret to keep. Sounds like he needs to learn how to be more forthcoming and honest.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, the fact he has a kid is kinda beside the point. The fact he hid it for all the wrong reasons would disturb me FAR more. I'd be wondering what other little tidbits he's hiding.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I wonder what advice we'd give if a woman were to have given a baby up for adoption that she had as a teen but didn't tell her husband until AFTER they were married. 

Just wondering....


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I think the fact that he hid it from you is bad, but the fact that he is a father to one child, but isn't a father to the other is disgusting.

If my husband were to come out right now and tell me he had a child with someone and had not told me, I believe I would leave. That is a MASSIVE secret to keep from someone you are supposed to be sharing your life with. 

I would also be disgusted with him for not being a father to his child, REGARDLESS of how old he was when she was concieved. A the child of an impregnante and run father, I find the irresponsibility and lack of desire to contribute finanically and emotionally to his daughter's well being an unforgivable flaw. The girl might have not told him until just before the due date(according to a liar, so do I really believe that to be the case, no) it doesn't give him an excuse to not be in his daughter's life. Even if the mother said she didn't want him there for her, doesn't mean that he couldn't have or shouldn't have been there for his daughter.

I think there needs to be a SERIOUS discussion and a fess up talk with him. Find out what else he is hiding from you. If he is hiding something this big, how easy would it be for him to hide an affair or multiple life changing events.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I wonder what advice we'd give if a woman were to have given a baby up for adoption that she had as a teen but didn't tell her husband until AFTER they were married.
> 
> Just wondering....


I think my comments would remain the same. It's hiding a part of who you are, and to me a lack of trust and respect.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Some questions: Does the mother have full custody? Does he express any interest in being a part of his child's life? Does he pay child support? 

I would have a difficult time trusting him on ANYTHING after such a big lie. And one he kept for so long.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I think the fact that he hid it from you is bad, but the fact that he is a father to one child, but isn't a father to the other is disgusting.
> 
> If my husband were to come out right now and tell me he had a child with someone and had not told me, I believe I would leave. That is a MASSIVE secret to keep from someone you are supposed to be sharing your life with.
> 
> ...


i know i need to have this discussion but im scared of what other things i might find out if i do.Its so hard just when you think you know the person your sharing your life..,everythhing with & suddenly your living with a stranger.
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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

delirium said:


> Some questions: Does the mother have full custody? Does he express any interest in being a part of his child's life? Does he pay child support?
> .


Now after fessing up he wants to go into her life which he's never been a part of according to him he's seen her once.His daughter is about 4 years old now.
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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

If he hasn't been paying child support then that shows in a nut shell what kind of a man he is.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I understand you being afraid of what comes from this. I also think it's up to your husband to make sure you have very little stress from here on out over it. It's his mess to clean up. Be there for him if you want to, but remember you didn't ask for this nonsense.


Thanks,I really appreciate your comment.I have no one to talk with about this.I'm 20 and my only familyy,my mom,is far away which I wouldnt want to worry.I fincially depend on him which makes any decission I'd want to make much harder.If for any reason I'd remain with him I would want to have the least involvement with this no visits to our house,no meeting my son(at least not now),and I want nothing to do with that other woman.I might sound selfish as well but as you say I didn't ask for this.
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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Something doesn't make sense about this. His reason for not telling you earlier and for telling you now doesn't make sense. Either he's not telling the whole truth or you are not disclosing something. Is he feeling guilty about not being part of the child's life now that he is more mature? Is he afraid you will think he isn't a good father because he isn't a part of the first child's life? Was the child conceived while you were dating?


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

still.trying said:


> Something doesn't make sense about this. His reason for not telling you earlier and for telling you now doesn't make sense. Either he's not telling the whole truth or you are not disclosing something. Is he feeling guilty about not being part of the child's life now that he is more mature? Is he afraid you will think he isn't a good father because he isn't a part of the first child's life? Was the child conceived while you were dating?


We moved into the neighborhood he lived at the time this all happened.I think he figured I'd know sooner or later. Yes he feeling guilty for not being there for his child.Yes he told me he doesn't want me to think he's a bad person for not being in his childs life.No this happened about a year before we even met.
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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Okay, so he wasn't ever planning on telling you and also now that it's in front of his face, he probably wants to be part of the childs life. I say, make sure he is very, very clear about the fact that from now on he can't hide anything from you. This is a trust issue. Make sure he's not keeping anymore secrets and he isn't going to keep secrets again. After that, move on to being a part of the childs life. The mother has no choice but to let him. Be supportive. You have nothing to be jellous about, he chose you. Be a super great step mother to this child. Encourage him to seek her out. Be kind to the mother.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

still.trying said:


> Okay, so he wasn't ever planning on telling you and also now that it's in front of his face, he probably wants to be part of the childs life. I say, make sure he is very, very clear about the fact that from now on he can't hide anything from you. This is a trust issue. Make sure he's not keeping anymore secrets and he isn't going to keep secrets again. After that, move on to being a part of the childs life. The mother has no choice but to let him. Be supportive. You have nothing to be jellous about, he chose you. Be a super great step mother to this child. Encourage him to seek her out. Be kind to the mother.


thanks this is the kind of advice i was wanting to hear.thanks alot!!
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I wonder what advice we'd give if a woman were to have given a baby up for adoption that she had as a teen but didn't tell her husband until AFTER they were married.
> 
> Just wondering....


My advice would be the same. It's wrong. Be honest upfront... 

God, I can't imagine a child coming to find you (which they tend to do) 20 years later. WTF do you say to your husband when the kid shows up at the door? I mean seriously that's not right at all. He should know before something like that happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems said:


> Thanks,I really appreciate your comment.I have no one to talk with about this.I'm 20 and my only familyy,my mom,is far away which I wouldnt want to worry.I fincially depend on him which makes any decission I'd want to make much harder.If for any reason I'd remain with him I would want to have the least involvement with this no visits to our house,no meeting my son(at least not now),and I want nothing to do with that other woman.I might sound selfish as well but as you say I didn't ask for this.


Your husband should be suing for joint custody. This means he will probably be paying child support and have this child up to 50% of the time.

How exactly will your son not meet his sister? If your husband has his daughter 50% of the time, then you son will meet his sister whether you stay with your husband or not.

While you did not know that you married a man with a child, an innocent child exists. It's wrong and selfish for you to mistreat the girl and pretend that she does not exist.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> My advice would be the same. It's wrong. Be honest upfront...
> 
> God, I can't imagine a child coming to find you (which they tend to do) 20 years later. WTF do you say to your husband when the kid shows up at the door? I mean seriously that's not right at all. He should know before something like that happens.


Most children given up for adoption never look for their birth parents. Like my adopted son says, his birth parents are nothing to him. He's never known them. Why would he bother to look for them?

There is a huge difference between a child given up for adoption and the OP's situation. When a child is given up for adoption, the birth parents have no legal, financial or other obligation to the child. 

In the OP's case, her husband has a lot of responsibility for the child.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Most children given up for adoption never look for their birth parents. Like my adopted son says, his birth parents are nothing to him. He's never known them. Why would he bother to look for them?
> 
> There is a huge difference between a child given up for adoption and the OP's situation. When a child is given up for adoption, the birth parents have no legal, financial or other obligation to the child.
> 
> In the OP's case, her husband has a lot of responsibility for the child.


Even if it's *most, I still wouldn't want to chance that I'd be that 10%. Better to lay it all out. I think that's a pretty important and deep secret to keep from a potential spouse. Enough where it should be shared. If you don't feel safe enough to share something like this in the beginning, I'd question the relationship as a whole.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband should be suing for joint custody. This means he will probably be paying child support...


I don't know how this works, but isn't he on the hook for CS, no matter what the custody ruling is? He may have actually confessed this b/c the mom is just now coming after him for $.

Oh, and this could be worse. Dear ol' dad knocked up one of his many OW's a few months after I was concieved (yes, my parents were still married at this point). He came home drunk one night, and cried like a baby next to my crib. My mom asked what was wrong, and he confessed. I probably have a half-sis running around somewhere.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I don't know how this works, but isn't he on the hook for CS, no matter what the custody ruling is? He may have actually confessed this b/c the mom is just now coming after him for $.


Because they weren't married, paternity would have to be proven first. 

After that? He'd be on the hook for CS if she has sole or they get joint. Joint may reduce his payments, depending on the parenting agreement submitted. If the child is with him 1/2 the week, he won't have to pay as much as he would otherwise. 

In my state, CS it's 20% of your gross income for 1 child. And they will go after you for back pay.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Listen, it is ok for you to feel a bit betrayed by his omission. That’s alright, but it isn’t the elephant in the room or even your story. I will guess that because your husband is a good guy, he is deeply ashamed he found himself as a deadbeat dad. It is traumatic and a very deep wound.

I have a friend with nearly the exact story. The OW? She had the kid, didn’t tell him until his daughter was almost one year old; Her guilt finally caught up to her that he should know he had a kid. Her and her mother made him into the ‘big bad wolf’ who defiled her. They excluded him from this; They BLAMED him for this and her screwed up life as a teenaged mother. They didn’t want child support because she didn’t want this little girl to know her shame; Her father was a hookup. She didn’t even really know him..

It bothers you that your husband is a father; that’s ok, but you need to be there for him. Its not even your child... you are a third party. Imagine for a minute how he felt about it. He got that phone call, a month to digest this and a single visit. What do you really know about the situation? My buddy was a good guy, stand up sort and all. It was very traumatic for him to know he’s a dad and that he won’t ever be in that child’s life. The fact that he hid this from you a long time tells you that he is ashamed.... Telling the woman you love and mother of your child that you are really a terrible father and abandoned your first child isn’t exactly easy. There is no ‘right time’ to do this...

This is a hell of a lot more complex than your petty ‘he lied’. You have your baby. Now imagine you don’t anymore. Do you honestly think that past wouldn’t bother or haunt you, and be more concerned that you didn’t tell your new wife about this traumatic experience in your life? You are focusing on the wrong thing... You are focusing on yourself as some victim. The reality is that you are a sub-character in this story. Stop trying to be in the spotlight and thinking of yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Even if it's *most, I still wouldn't want to chance that I'd be that 10%. Better to lay it all out. I think that's a pretty important and deep secret to keep from a potential spouse. Enough where it should be shared. If you don't feel safe enough to share something like this in the beginning, I'd question the relationship as a whole.


The idea of a woman (and even man) keeping a secret of giving up a child for adoption comes from the days when having a child out of wedlock was one of the most shameful things that a person could do.

I can see that in those days not telling about giving up a child for adoption was the norm. In those days the courts sealed adoption paperwork and it was next to impossible to get them opened. Thus few adoptees could find their birth parents.

But today.. who cares. There really is little stigma (for most) for having children out of wedlock.

I agree that today there is little reason for not telling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> I don't know how this works, but isn't he on the hook for CS, no matter what the custody ruling is? He may have actually confessed this b/c the mom is just now coming after him for $.
> 
> Oh, and this could be worse. Dear ol' dad knocked up one of his many OW's a few months after I was concieved (yes, my parents were still married at this point). He came home drunk one night, and cried like a baby next to my crib. My mom asked what was wrong, and he confessed. I probably have a half-sis running around somewhere.


Yes he's on the hook for CS even if he has no visitation and no custody rights. But he's only on the hook for CS if she sues him for CS. It sounds like the OP's husband has never been sued for CS.

Your situation with our Dear ol' dad is much different.. he did this after he was married to your mom.

There was no affair in the OP's case.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Because they weren't married, paternity would have to be proven first.
> 
> After that? He'd be on the hook for CS if she has sole or they get joint. Joint may reduce his payments, depending on the parenting agreement submitted. If the child is with him 1/2 the week, he won't have to pay as much as he would otherwise.
> 
> In my state, CS it's 20% of your gross income for 1 child. And they will go after you for back pay.


In my state, they cannot go back for CS to a time before paterinity was established and there was no court ordered CS. The legal obligation to pay child support only starts once paternity is established and there is a court order to pay.

There is of course a chance that this child is not the husband's child. Just because the woman says it's his child does not make it so. Unfortunately some women lie about this sort of thing as they do not want anyone to know that they slept around and do not know who the father of their baby is.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Please remember they are YOUNG. She's only 20.

I don't know about you guys but I did some pretty stupid things when I was 20.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems,

I your husband going to file in court to have his paternity proven and to establish his paternity rights?

Until a DNA test is done he might not want to assume that this is his child. There is a reason why the child's mother has not gone after him for child support.

Either she does not want to share custody with him, or he's not really the father and she knows it.

It sounds like the two of you are pretty young. Your husband might not know what he needs to do to establish paternity.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

Racer said:


> It bothers you that your husband is a father; thats ok, but you need to be there for him. Its not even your child... you are a third party. Imagine for a minute how he felt about it. He got that phone call, a month to digest this and a single visit. What do you really know about the situation? My buddy was a good guy, stand up sort and all. It was very traumatic for him to know hes a dad and that he wont ever be in that childs life. The fact that he hid this from you a long time tells you that he is ashamed.... Telling the woman you love and mother of your child that you are really a terrible father and abandoned your first child isnt exactly easy. There is no right time to do this...


He found out the OW was pregnant thru his best friend.The OW was sending him pics of her pregnancy.He returned from vacations at his parents and when his BF showed the pics.Then he went to her house to try & talk 2 her but she didnt waant to talk things out & her dad kicked him out.After that she sent someone to break the windows to my husbands truck twice.Then saw his daughter that only time but says she told him she didnt want him in their life.I also know this OW dated my husbands nephew around the same time my husband was with her.
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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> MarriageIsntWhatItSeems,
> 
> I your husband going to file in court to have his paternity proven and to establish his paternity rights?
> 
> ...


I've also wondered the saame thing why hasnt she looked for him or filed for CS.?No we have no clue on what to do to establish paternity.We live in texas.I'm 20 & my husband's 24.
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> MarriageIsntWhatItSeems,
> 
> I your husband going to file in court to have his paternity proven and to establish his paternity rights?
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems said:


> I've also wondered the saame thing why hasnt she looked for him or filed for CS.?No we have no clue on what to do to establish paternity.We live in texas.I'm 20 & my husband's 24.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Here is a link that might help get started:

Fathers' Rights

HOW CAN I BE LISTED AS THE FATHER ON MY BABY?S BIRTH CERTIFICATE?

Under Texas law, if you were married to the mother of the child when the child was born, your name will automatically appear on the baby's birth certificate as the father of the child. If you were not married to the mother of the child, there are two ways to have your name added to the birth certificate:

1. By voluntarily signing an Acknowledgment of Paternity form; or

2. By a court order.

If the child's mother will cooperate he could ask her to let him get a DNA test done. Get two if possible so that there is no false positive. If it comes up that he is the father, then he can sign an "Acknowledgment of Paternity" form. 

They could then agree on child support and custody/visitation per state guidelines. That would be the inexpensive and agreeable way to do this.

But he might have to go through the court to do it.

The courts might give him 50% legal custody off the bat, but not 50% physical custody. Since he does not have a relationship with the little girl it would be very disturbing for her to suddenly have to spend half her time with some guy (and his wife and son). He will need to build a relationship with her over time. And as he does this the amount of visitation he has would go up and his child support payments would go down.

Of course this is assuming he makes more than she does... if she makes a lot more than him.. she could end up paying him child support.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link that might help get started:
> 
> Fathers' Rights
> 
> ...


thanx i really appreciate the great help.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageIsntWhatItSeems said:


> thanx i really appreciate the great help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do more internet searches on the topic for Texas. You can find all sorts of info on the topic.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

I thank all whom gave me their advice.My H just made contact with the OW yesterday through facebook.She's letting him see the LG.As soon as she agreed he wanted to go finally couldnt wait and just went over to see her.I'm feeling afraid but turnin it to strengt.
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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

I think before he gets attached to the little girl he needs to establish paternity. What evidence does he have that this child is from his one night stand sort of relationship with her and not someone else's? If there has not been a paternity test, hold back on getting too attached. 

The only reason I say this is that a friend of mine had an almost identical situation. He didn't even find out till child was 1, then mom wouldn't let him see child for 2 more years. Then when the kiddo was 3 mom decided my friend should be a dad. He was delighted, was all in kind of dad, paying voluntary child support, taking the kid whenever the mom would let him, until about 2 years later when mom got involved with another man and got mad at my friend...then popped in with "I am not even sure that kiddo is yours". Paternity test followed, not his kid....then everyone is screwed up....it has been 2 more years and he finally gave up fighting to have any visitation with the kid who was his for 2 years because the courts say he has no claim.


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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

Carisma said:


> I think before he gets attached to the little girl he needs to establish paternity. What evidence does he have that this child is from his one night stand sort of relationship with her and not someone else's? If there has not been a paternity test, hold back on getting too attached.
> 
> The only reason I say this is that a friend of mine had an almost identical situation. He didn't even find out till child was 1, then mom wouldn't let him see child for 2 more years. Then when the kiddo was 3 mom decided my friend should be a dad. He was delighted, was all in kind of dad, paying voluntary child support, taking the kid whenever the mom would let him, until about 2 years later when mom got involved with another man and got mad at my friend...then popped in with "I am not even sure that kiddo is yours". Paternity test followed, not his kid....then everyone is screwed up....it has been 2 more years and he finally gave up fighting to have any visitation with the kid who was his for 2 years because the courts say he has no claim.


.I feel as if I try making the comment about getting the P.test he'll think I'm not with him in this.He's just real caught up in this right now I don't think that even goes through his mind.
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## MarriageIsntWhatItSeems (Jul 26, 2012)

Okay so he went over to the OW parents' house Saturday night.He didn't tell me he had contacted her through FB and they had been msging till that day..He just told me he found her and that she had sid he could see LG.My H asked if'd it be ok for him to go.I agreed because he said he'd do it anyways.He wanted to know if I was in this with him. It was about 8:30 pm when he went over and came back at 11:30. Before all this happened I already had alot of insecurities.So meanwhile that night I hacked his FB account and found his msgs. There was one that bothered me the most in which he asked her if he could one day see her again because she had been someone special in his life and he had good memories of her.I was in tears.I txted him while he was over but didnt make a comment about the msgs.he responed saying everything was going ok.When it started getting late I txted him again and he called me back sayin he was on his way I was cryin but didnt tell him. When he came home he just hugged me and we went to bed.While in bed he told me how'd it went.Her parents had been present and heJd seen the LG.The OW said if he wanted to be in her life ok but didnt what him changing their lives.After we finished talking he went to sleep but I couldn't while my H was sleepin he called her name and said he looved her.I just cryed myself to sleep. He has been acting better than before hugs and kisses are back.Sunday night we while sleeping he called me by her name again.I just couldnJt sleep that night either.Monday night I asked him if he'd get mad if I asked him to show me his txt msgs.He said it was ok but didn't.Lastnight he showed me his msgs there were just 3 I think he deleted them.I told him about the FB msg and he said that was true that she was important too him because she was the mom to his LG.But that I was his wife and there wasnJt anything more important than me. I feel so insecure.
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