# Wife just wants to separate but not divorce...



## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

Just found out my wife wants to live in separate houses until I can provide for my family. I went to college for three years while working two jobs and doing chores in the house (after work/school) and drove every weekend an hour for my wife to be with friends and family while being a father to our two daughters (6 & 3).



She wants to separate from me because she thinks I don't put forth enough effort into anything. I bathe, feed, clean, bring to practices and library time, while she sleeps the day away or is out with friends or family.



She is the sole provider for money now because I quit my last job because after countless times of asking for a promotion they wouldn't give it to me. I'm studying for an electrical license to get a nice job but when I'm studying I'm not there for my family so I have to do it in the dark-dark hours.



She has all the money and has kept her account password from me... When I was making the money she had full access to the bank account.



But, alas, I do not communicate enough and when she does it's in one of my ears and out the other. I tell her everything i did one day or thought of nd ask her about it a week later only to have her respond that I never said that or we never talked about that...



She wants me to live away from my children and arrange with her when I can see them... Um, any help?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Umm, so she sleeps the day away but is the sole provider? How exactly can she do both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

First, I'm sorry that you're here. I know full well that it is not a great feeling to go through what you are going through.

Why would you quit your job after not being promoted? Asking for a promotion doesn't get you promoted. Hard work and dedication does. A married man with two children doesn't just quit his job because he didn't get something he asked for. You have a family to provide for. I believe you hang onto the job until you find something better. It sounds like your wife doesn't feel you are responsible enough (i.e. she's handling the finances).


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like she considers the childcare that you have provided as an excuse for not working. She wants you to make money and pronto. Does she say that if you have a job, you can reconcile?

Separation usually means divorce. The statistic thrown around on TAM is that 80% of separations lead to divorce.

Have you moved out? Do you own a home together?

Does she intend to date and have sex with other men in the interim? 

How old are you?

You are planning to become an electrician, correct?

Can you work as an assistant to one for the time being?

It would not surprize to hear that your marriage is sexless. Does your wife love you anymore?


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

My wife works four days in a row for 10 hour shifts. And had recently missed a couple of days due to hangovers.



My wife hounded me to quit my job because it was minimum wage and to work towards getting an electrical job. I presented hard work and dedication my supervisor as well as other department managers suggested I get promoted but the manager of my department would not do so. I hung on to the job but was told by all to quit and focus on something else. I made sure all the bills were paid for the last four years while she was a SAHM yet I was coming to do the chores (laundry, dishes, vacuum, etc.). I am taking care of our daughters waking up at 7 to get them to school while staying awake until 2-3 am studying for my exam while also taking our 3yr old to the library while she sleeps or gets ready to leave to go out.



I am working on making money pronto but applications can only go so far. If I have a job, then it'd be better. I have not moved out. We do not own a home .



I don't believe she intends to date/cheat in the interim.



We're both 27.



I am studying to take my electrical exam next week. I have to find someone to work under but no luck thus far.



Our sex life has dwindled to no sex for the last 4 weeks. She loves me but doesn't desire / want me because I'm seen as a failure.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

I, too, am sorry that you find yourself here on this site. I'm having a hard time making sense of your wife's behavior. So...when she was a SAHM YOU came home at the end of your workday to do housework? Now, she's missing work due to hangovers? It just sounds like there is more going on here than you currently being unemployed. Have you two ever gone to MC?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Don't move out. She pulls status quo as the primary care giver to the children and you'll be fighting to see them every other weekend. 

"She wants me to live away from my children and arrange with her when I can see them" This is your hint of the future if you aren't cautious.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Moving out won't save money, of course. Ask her for a lump sum amount to cover the first year expenses, since you're not working and no longer have access to the bank accounts. I'm sure she'll change her tune quickly.

Anyway, don't move out and don't let her dictate to you. If you are on the bank account, go to the bank in person, get a statement of the account, withdraw half, and open an account in your name only. Protect yourself, and get some leverage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is drinking and screwing around. She wants you out of the way and is looking to replace you as a husband and as a father.

Its time to start spying on her and find out who is around your kids and phucking your wife!

Once you get the evidence you can have a more effective confrontation and talk about the *real* reason she wants you out of the way.


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

There is more. I think she desires a life that I'm not accustomed to a true extrovert and wants irregularities but wants regularities (confused? Me too)



Housework, she would load the washer of clothes but not put them in the dryer. I would fold them and ask for her to put them away so I could study or relax and to no assistance from her but to tell me I don't finish what I start. She would make dinner and I'd make it home before the kids were to hungry so we'd together but she'd be on her phone with fb or Pinterest ( I asked her to stop while we were eating dinner and she did =b)



She has been diagnosed depressed before we were together took pills and has pills.



Response from my wife to MC is: "You have the problem. You need to figure it out before I go into any counseling."


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you taken the exam before and failed it?


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

I said moving is not the answer and she says she does not want to resent me anymore and separation is in the best interest. I will win custody of my children if it ends that way there are no if's and's or but's.



We have separate accounts because she says I cannot handle the money because we're in debt. She has the need to shop randomly and on impulse but I have to explain myself for why I want or need things. I have money in my separate account (her decision to have separate accounts because she didnt want her debts garnishing my income) and she has asked me to move everything over to het locked account (um, no).



To "the guy," you're negative and please don't respond to any of my posts ever again, please.


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

To LongWalk, yes, this one will be my fourth time taking it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, DO NOT MOVE OUT. She's unhappy, SHE is welcome to move out. But your kids stay IN THEIR HOME.

Second, you need to grow a spine. No offense, but every comment reeks of Nice Guy Syndrome and is most likely the reason she is treating you this way. Read up on it and start making changes; first tip: DO NOT AGREE to anything she wants; just say 'I'll think about it' and walk away.

Third, if you want to stay married, you should check to see who she is most likely cheating on you with. Check the phone records for a number you don't recognize that's contacted much more than any other. Line up her time when she's out of the house to look for gaps. Check the computer. If you find it, you will have to expose the affair after telling her to end it (and her refusing).


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Separation is not the answer. You would have two households to support.

Hope you do well on your test.

You do need a job and some help. Any family around like yours? Have you tried to talk to her family to see if they have a way to talk some sense into her?


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

This morning I think they talked some sense into her because she was eyes bawling. I have the NGS and I'm working on not being it. The simplest things are a miss. The biggest thing is that when I raise my opinion about anything its me not understanding the situation or I'm just being a child (which is the consistent term used for her and her gma of me - the woman she trusts the most).



I've let the house go and have been studying during the day and night while also attending to our daughters.



Thank you for the hope on my test.


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## davj09 (May 11, 2014)

My wife is not having sex with anyone but she may be having intimate texts and conversations with another male. 



I'm working on not being the NG.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

davj09 said:


> My wife is not having sex with anyone but she may be having intimate texts and conversations with another male.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm working on not being the NG.


You don't have a hope as long as she's directing her emotional energy at another man. And the separation is removing a big barrier to her getting naked with him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When you deal with her, consider her to be the mailman. Don't give any more concessions to her out of fear of her reaction than you would the mailman. 

Dude, emotional affairs are worse for women than physical affairs! Women typically cheat FOR THE EMOTION, not for the sex. But once she gets to live separately, you can BET she'll be knocking boots with him; it's what he's after, after all.

And her cheating has NOTHING to do with you being a NG. Find the proof of this other guy, confront her on it, and when she refuses to stop contact with him, you calmly contact her family and friends and tell them she's cheating on you and you'd like their help in getting her to stop so you can address any issues in the marriage. Once she knows they all know, he won't be so much fun any more.

If you can't do this much, you may as well just divorce.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

davj09 said:


> My wife is not having sex with anyone but she may be having intimate texts and conversations with another male.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm working on not being the NG.


Texting a male.

Sex life gone to zero.

Goes out without husband and gets drunk.

Wants husband to move out.

Well, she couldn't possibly be cheating...............or could she.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Wife just wants to separate but not divorce...*



davj09 said:


> To "the guy," you're negative and please don't respond to any of my posts ever again, please.


You may not like what he had to say or how he said it, but the more details you reveal, the closer to correct he appears.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

For starters, listen to Turnera.

I see a lot of issues here. I'm also willing to bet that if she were here, she'd probably say a lot of the same things about you that you are saying about her. Here are a few thoughts/questions for you, starting with the "tough love" stuff:

1. Quitting your job was a bad idea. We've all been stuck in a lousy job before, maybe where we feel under appreciated as well. But you do not just quit without having something else lined up, ESPECIALLY if you're the man. Women are in the workplace more than ever of course, but the reality is that most women still cannot respect a man if he's not actively generating an income. Of course, most guy's can't respect a guy whose unemployed either.

2. You've failed the test three times already? Ugh, I don't mean to kick you while you're down, because it's not like you didn't want to pass the test, but that's another enormous reason your wife can't or struggles to respect you. Because now you're an unemployed husband/father who is seemingly INCAPABLE of getting a job. 

3. If you aren't working, you are failing job-required tests, and you are a married man, you absolutely have to find other ways to step up and support your family. That doesn't mean trying to accomplish 50% of the cooking, chores, and parenting, it means doing 90% of the cooking, chores and parenting. Yeah I know that isn't very manly, would be completely against Athol Kay's sage advice and probably won't get you laid, but you've already failed at Plan A and Plan B, so Plan C is what you've got left to work with. If you're wife is also working full time to support the family, then you really don't have much right to complain about her sleeping in or asking you to do more.

Here's the thing. As far as your wife is concerned, she is doing YOUR job, and no one likes being put in a position where they feel like they have to do someone else's job, professionally or relationally, no matter what the task is. She resents being put in that position. Seeing you fail or repeatedly make poor financial decisions (which you have), causes her to not trust you. Remember too that security/trust is WAY more important to women than it is to men. She doesn't believe she can trust you, so she's taken steps to protect herself financially via the separate accounts. Maybe she does have spending problems of her own, but that's completely irrelevant and pointing that out to her is like the biblical parable of pointing out the thorn in her eye while a plank juts out of yours. Maybe you think she over spends, but you voluntarily stopped making an income. Maybe you think she sleeps too much, but she has the excuse of working a full time job.


With all of that said, yes, a separation is a BAD idea.

Further, if she is really emotionally involved with another man in any way, it will be nearly impossible to repair the marriage until that situation has resolved itself. Small steps you make won't even be noticeable to her, and will likely just come off making you look desperate to satisfy her, causing her to respect you even less.

I can understand your position that studying for this test IS contributing to the family in it's own way. That by passing it you'll ultimately be able to get a better job on which you can better support your family. It's supposed to be an investment, a limited time inconvenience. I'm guessing she was willing to accept that until you started failing the tests. At this point however, she's lost faith in you, she likely see's your failure as being indicative that you don't take it seriously enough to pass and therefore don't care enough for her or your family who you are letting down. So now she's not willing to invest in you anymore. You can argue that studying time is important for the family, but if she isn't sure if she wants you anymore or doesn't believe you'll pass/get that job anyway, then it doesn't mean anything to her.

I also appreciate that you love your kids and would want to win custody in the event of a divorce, but from what we've seen here, I think you're crazy to believe you will get a good shake from the family court system. Unemployed, with little to no presentable job skills, and male? You'd get chewed up and spit out. Even if you had a great job with all the money and flexibility in the world, the odds would STILL be stacked against you because you have a penis. That's unfortunately the way the world works.

Her depression is her problem, yes, but she has plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons to be angry/upset at you, so trying to blame her unhappiness or displeasure with you on depression will be really, really offensive to her.


So, trying to be more positive/helpful now...

1. Why not get your old job back? Or go get a different job until you are able to pass the test and get hired on to the job you want? Nothing you can say will show that you take supporting your family seriously better than just finding another job, even a lousy one. Go to a temp agency if nothing else!

2. Pass the test! When you aren't working or doing most of the cooking/chores, throw yourself into studying/preparing for the test. You seriously can't fail it again, not now. You can relax after you're fully employed and respected again.

3. Don't become her man servant, but do start going above and beyond in taking care of your kids, the home, etc. ESPECIALLY focus on the manlier tasks, like home repairs, home improvement, maintaining/keeping the cars in top working order, etc. 

4. Stop spending money. Seriously, just stop. It's bad enough that your wife feels like she has to step up to do your job because you forced her into that position by quitting your job, but spending her money or building up more debt will just anger her even more and cause her to respect you even less. Get used to eating ramen noodles for a while. Whatever it takes.


If you feel it might help, you might consider confessing a lot of this stuff to her. Confessing that you've made mistakes, that you've let her down, that you don't deserve her respect right now. From there, tell her you love her exceedingly, and your kids, and will do whatever it takes to make it right. Don't ask her to forgive you just yet, because you know she's likely already given you extra chances already, but just ask if she would let you prove yourself to her starting immediately. To hold off on talk of separation, and end any form of communication with questionable other men. 

Then of course, you have to mean it.


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