# Not sure what to do



## Nobunnyspecial (Jan 17, 2012)

Hey everyone 
Needing some advice as I’m at a loss for what to do. Sorry it’s a long one but here it goes 
We’ve been married 10yrs and together 14, things were amazing the first 2yrs then started going a bit rocky after that. I ended up catching an inappropriate text of him replying to another woman, it was about complimenting her on how pretty she is. I was very upset at first but decided to forgive. Fast forward a few more years; i caught him hiding that he was texting an 18yr old (he was mid thirties), he even had her name listed as a letter and deleted their conversations so I wouldn’t see. Only proof I had was the constant texting of a certain number through our service provider print off and when I would get his phone I could never find a conversation, he was also protective of his phone so it took me a bit to be able to get it to look. Confronted him about it he said it was nothing and just didn’t want me mad. Never knew what exactly went on but I decided to forgive as I was pregnant with our first child. I’ve even caught some minor things over the years like hiding chew in his truck, confronted him and said it was his friends but now there’s some cans back in there? I don’t really care but it’s the point of sneaking that I hate.

Fast forward to these last few years ( after our second child was born) and things have just been overall not good. He seems to be in a constant state of disgust, resentment and always throwing shots. Whether it’s my animals, my parenting, house work, working ect.... if I have enough and start throwing it back in his face (which has been a lot lately, I usually don’t keep anything in anymore) things get heated on his end where he starts name calling (latest fight he called me a c***) he’s even crossed the physical line 3 times this last year. His father was abusive plus completely ran out on them at a young age, hes promised he would never be like him but yet here we are.... 
He’s also constantly annoyed with and yelling at kids and seems to avoid coming home to not spend much quality time. He will even get a chip or an undertone if he has to do anything like watch them when I have to work. He is a good dad and has good intentions but only when he wants too it seems 

Another thing is he like to try and withhold things for sexual favours. Example he refused to feed my horses one night as I didn’t want to. I ended up having to make other arrangements, He talks crudely to me and always seems to only want to do things if there’s sex in return. I find it disgusting and not attractive what so ever. I even told him that and that what happens in the bedroom starts way before. He hardly ever shows affection unless it’s in the form of being dirty which i bluntly tell him my disgust, especially when it’s in front of the kids. It just seems the more black and white i try to be it’s getting worse, he won’t take any of what I say seriously. 

Now in saying all these bad things they’ve never been all bad. He used to be an amazing guy, and when he’s back to his original self when we met things are awesome. Things seem to go in cycles of good and bad. But bad has been a lot more than good.
All these things have escalated in the last years to the point I’m no longer attracted to him and quite frank the only reason I’ve stayed is for the kids. It’s even to the point I wouldn’t even cared if he cheated as I don’t need to treated the way he’s been. Things I’ve read are he has a lot of qualities of a narcissist and our relationship is toxic. I’m just not sure what to do if there’s even any saving our marriage. I don’t want to end for the sake of the kids but just not sure I can take much more as he’s ramped up the behaviour this last year with the crudeness, hitting, name calling and constant criticism. Maybe he’s wanting out but too scared to say? Or is it just a power play?


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

Hi ... you were here over 2 years ago with similar concerns ... things haven't changed I presume ... do you expect them to?

First step is consult a lawyer to understand your position. Second, you need to understand that this relationship is damaging your kids and it needs to change fast or you need to leave. Are you prepared to pull the trigger if need be? 

Presented with a dose of reality in the form of divorce papers may convince him to end the emotional, sexual, financial and physical abuse (but I doubt it)


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Next time he gets physical you call the cops. 
And see a lawyer immediately.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Physical abuse is an absolute deal breaker. Period. Other than that, you have to teach people how to treat you. Set boundaries. If he won't respect those boundaries, get away from him. He's not a good dad unless he's a good dad all the time. He doesn't get to pick and choose when to be a good dad.

You didn't elaborate on how available you make yourself to him sexually. If he came on here to talk about his marriage, would he complain that he has to bribe his wife for sex?

The probabilily is that he has one or more girlfriends. There's no way we can know for sure, but all of the signs are there.


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## Nobunnyspecial (Jan 17, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Physical abuse is an absolute deal breaker. Period. Other than that, you have to teach people how to treat you. Set boundaries. If he won't respect those boundaries, get away from him. He's not a good dad unless he's a good dad all the time. He doesn't get to pick and choose when to be a good dad.
> 
> You didn't elaborate on how available you make yourself to him sexually. If he came on here to talk about his marriage, would he complain that he has to bribe his wife for sex?
> 
> The probabilily is that he has one or more girlfriends. There's no way we can know for sure, but all of the signs are there.


I’m sure he would complain as it feels as if he would need sex every day to keep happy. I’m not a sexual person by nature, have been this way my whole life, I could go months without it and be ok. For his sake I try about once a week, sometimes more if he’s been good. But usually just want to get it over with to be honest. If he puts in an effort of being romantic without treating me like an object I get more sexually attracted to him but most of the time I feel he’s only attracted to me physically. He literally takes his shots at every aspect in my life so I find it extremely difficult to be attracted the last few years.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nobunnyspecial said:


> Hey everyone
> Needing some advice as I’m at a loss for what to do. Sorry it’s a long one but here it goes
> We’ve been married 10yrs and together 14, things were amazing the first 2yrs then started going a bit rocky after that. I ended up catching an inappropriate text of him replying to another woman, it was about complimenting her on how pretty she is. I was very upset at first but decided to forgive. Fast forward a few more years; i caught him hiding that he was texting an 18yr old (he was mid thirties), he even had her name listed as a letter and deleted their conversations so I wouldn’t see. Only proof I had was the constant texting of a certain number through our service provider print off and when I would get his phone I could never find a conversation, he was also protective of his phone so it took me a bit to be able to get it to look. Confronted him about it he said it was nothing and just didn’t want me mad. Never knew what exactly went on but I decided to forgive as I was pregnant with our first child. I’ve even caught some minor things over the years like hiding chew in his truck, confronted him and said it was his friends but now there’s some cans back in there? I don’t really care but it’s the point of sneaking that I hate.
> 
> ...


I don't understand quite honestly, why you stay the kid option doesn't fly, you can stand him no respect for him( not that he deserves) but your choosing hell to live in and your afraid, take that next step and release him. Not for his sake but yours.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You need to get yourself and your children away from this man. Now.

Are there any local support systems you can call for advice, support getting out, and what is your family scenario if you need to run, and take the kids with you?


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## farfalla (Oct 22, 2019)

I agree with the others, you need to take care of yourself. That means you need to end this marriage and get away from him.


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## Nobunnyspecial (Jan 17, 2012)

So what’s a person to do when your paralyzed with fear of the unknown? It would be completely new territory for me to consider this route. Plus it’s against the way I was raised (parents together over 30yrs) and the way I feel, sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t give up as we’ve built a pretty good life up to this point but the same time he’s changing for the worse and not for the better. My anxiety is at an all time high to the point I could just scream, used to think it’s my hormones but more research I do I definitely feel it’s the constant emotional abuse. And to be honest I’m completely scared of what would happen as far of brainwashing the kids against me as I know his mother would be in on it. Plus there’s the fear of financial, we’re not in to great of a place financially as it is let alone for me to leave on my own. I currently only work part time due to me having to do majority of things with the kids. I do have great family support but yet I wouldn’t want to be a burden to anyone. Do I give it one last ditch effort and demand we both get counselling and the second he even name calls or lays a hand on me I walk or do I walk away now ?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Has it occurred to you that your kids would most likely be thrilled at the chance to get away from this jackass? Stop using them as an excuse. This is not a healthy environment for any of you, and you need to get out. Start taking steps to make it happen instead of letting yourself stay stuck just because it’s the easy thing to do. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> Now in saying all these bad things they’ve never been all bad. He used to be an amazing guy, and when he’s back to his original self when we met things are awesome.


No. Unfortunately, dating is a partial sham. We have to do it, but some people are really good at hiding their true nature. What you mean is, you like his sham self when it surfaces. What you live with is his original “self.”

Don’t stay for the kids. Trust me when I say you can’t hide everything. My daughter, is me good and bad. She even has some of my rough traits, which I thought I had keep well away from my kids.

Nothing terrible, but enough to where I have to tell her not to be an ******* like me at times.

Fear of the unknown? 

Look, don’t think of the negatives. The unknown includes no more abuse, no more coercive sex, no more embarrassment for your children, different manageable stress and freedom.


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