# Divorce over sex (might be too much TMI)



## qwert123 (Jun 22, 2015)

Been married for 6 years and have 2 small children ages 1 and 5. Two years ago, husband wanted to try anal. I hesitantly agreed and have regretted it ever since. We have done it a number of times over the past 2 years and I never liked it. Never. I have decided that enough is enough and I no longer want to do it. I've communicated that I hate it and I can't take it anymore. He claims he can't turn off the feeling and needs it. It's to the point where I cringe when I hear him come into the bedroom because I'm afraid it will lead to anal. I'm terrified of any kind of intimacy... there is very little love left in me because how can someone pressure me into something I find beyond horrible? And by pressure, I mean if I say no (which I do), he will leave the apartment in a huff and go out to get drunk...come home at 2am and crash on the couch. What kind of marriage is this? He will not go to therapy because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. Help.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that what is going on is a valid reason for divorce. 

Have you let him know that you are thinking of divorcing him over this?

How old are the two of you?


----------



## qwert123 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes he knows I'm leaving. I am about to move out (plan to sign a lease on an apartment later this week). We have 2 small kids ages 1 and 5. I am 38 and he is 45. His response is that I'm breaking up the family because I don't love him enough to give him what he wants. He doesn't get that it's about me, not him. It will be hard because I'm indian and divorce is looked down upon and the woman always gets blamed.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell him to take a penis up his butt if he likes it so much!

Your husband is way out of line and not loving you or his children enough to leave anal sex out.

He is deciding to destroy the marriage, not you.

Very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## M0M_SDG (Apr 7, 2015)

Sounds like rape to me! Just because you are married does not give him rights to do as he pleases with you sexually. You are a person and seems like he is treating you as a sexual object! You are such a strong woman, you are doing the right thins by standing up for yourself!! 

And I 100% agree with CONANHUB


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Not rape. But it is disrespectful. He's not respecting your boundaries and he's demonstrating that he doesn't care about what you want. 

He claims he can't turn off the feeling and needs it?

Bull. It's very possible he can't turn off the feeling. He wants what he wants, and there's no shame in that. But he needs it at the expense of your feelings? No.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

If doesn't respect you, and clearly he does not

Take your leave now

55


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

qwert123 said:


> It will be hard because I'm indian and divorce is looked down upon and the woman always gets blamed.


Do you have any female family members who you can rely upon for support and be sympathetic to your situation?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yep. Let him know that HE is breaking up the family because he doesn't give a sheet about anyone else and you hope anal is worth that much to him. So now that he's free of his family he can go fvck anyone he can find to take it up the rear end.

I don't know who gets turned by pushing something their partner doesn't want.


----------



## qwert123 (Jun 22, 2015)

morituri said:


> Do you have any female family members who you can rely upon for support and be sympathetic to your situation?


I do have plenty of relatives but I don't think I would want to admit to doing anal for 2 years. Everyone is busy with their own lives but I know they will be there for me in the beginning.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yep. Let him know that HE is breaking up the family because he doesn't give a sheet about anyone else and you hope anal is worth that much to him. So now that he's free of his family he can go fvck anyone he can find to take it up the rear end.
> 
> I don't know who gets turned by pushing something their partner doesn't want.


Yes! This. And I would honestly, if you haven't already, let him know exactly how his insistence has affected you. I mean tell him THAT is why you feel the way you do about intimacy, in general.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You tried a sex act and didn't like it. Oh well, it happens in marriages. If he doesn't have your well being in mind, he can find someone else. 

Glad you are leaving and stop feeling guilty.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

qwert123 said:


> I do have plenty of relatives but I don't think I would want to admit to doing anal for 2 years. Everyone is busy with their own lives but I know they will be there for me in the beginning.


You don't necessarily have to say anal, but you could say he wouldn't take no for an answer on a sex act for two years. It made you uncomfortable to the point that any intimacy became cringe worthy. You may be surprised at the support you receive.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

qwert123 said:


> I do have plenty of relatives but I don't think I would want to admit to doing anal for 2 years. Everyone is busy with their own lives but I know they will be there for me in the beginning.


You don't have to give them the gory details just simply state that, over the years, your husband has derived pleasure from your excruciating pain. It is called sadism and its practitioners are called sadists.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

qwert123 said:


> Been married for 6 years and have 2 small children ages 1 and 5. Two years ago, husband wanted to try anal. I hesitantly agreed and have regretted it ever since. We have done it a number of times over the past 2 years and I never liked it. Never. I have decided that enough is enough and I no longer want to do it. I've communicated that I hate it and I can't take it anymore. He claims he can't turn off the feeling and needs it. It's to the point where I cringe when I hear him come into the bedroom because I'm afraid it will lead to anal. I'm terrified of any kind of intimacy... there is very little love left in me because how can someone pressure me into something I find beyond horrible? And by pressure, I mean if I say no (which I do), he will leave the apartment in a huff and go out to get drunk...come home at 2am and crash on the couch. What kind of marriage is this? He will not go to therapy because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. Help.


How he acts doesn't sound like love. He sounds spoiled and entitled.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

qwert123 said:


> Yes he knows I'm leaving. I am about to move out (plan to sign a lease on an apartment later this week). We have 2 small kids ages 1 and 5. I am 38 and he is 45. His response is that I'm breaking up the family because I don't love him enough to give him what he wants. He doesn't get that it's about me, not him. It will be hard because I'm indian and divorce is looked down upon and the woman always gets blamed.


Do live in India or in a Western country?

Something just came to mind... 

We have seen people here whose spouses caused fights so that they could then leave the house in anger to go do things, like have an affair. The angry outburst was an easy way to explain away them being out of the house with an affair partner for hours. Do you really know what your husband is doing when he goes out.. besides getting drunk?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

qwert123 said:


> I do have plenty of relatives but I don't think I would want to admit to doing anal for 2 years. Everyone is busy with their own lives but I know they will be there for me in the beginning.


Then just tell them that he wants you to do sexual acts that you do not want to do. Acts that few women would do. But you do not feel comfortable discussing the details. And tell them that he broke up the family over this.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is hard to read. Having to uproot two small children and yourself out of the comfort of your home simply because your husband is obsessed with anal sex. Put together with the cultural effects of divorce, makes it especially hard. It will be stressful for you and the children but I am certain you and the children are better off living apart from your husband at this time. Your children will have a happier less anxious and more content mother. 

You are not the one breaking up the family. Your husband is giving away his family because he cannot give up one sex act. He would rather spend less time with his wife and children. Does not make logical sense. He may seem to come to his senses when he must live without a full-time family. However, any real change will come from a drastic change in his culturally-based attitude towards women. He needs to learn what love, empathy and respect looks like. He also needs to value more highly children and a good wife. Right now, his children and wife rank below anal sex. These changes in your husband may not be possible without a great deal of therapy. 

How will you support yourself and children?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leave him. Let him experience life without you. THEN let him decide if he wants to respect you or not.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your post really upset and angered me. Your husband needs a reality check big time. You are doing the right thing by leaving him. He sounds mean and doesn't respect you at all. it also sounds as if he thinks he has a right to do to you whatever he wants, probably tied into his culture. Further, I wonder does he have any issues related to his childhood (sexual abuse) and this is why he doesn't want to go to counselling.
Not to be facetious ( this is a very serious issue) but I would buy him a large dildo and tell him to try anal on himself!

I hope you get the support you need from your family.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I have nothing new to add, but I did want to chime in that I agree with the other posters here and support you in this decision. He is being incredibly selfish to demand something of you that you find painful, which has destroyed both the physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage. He broke it, not you. Remember that. His actions show no love or concern for your needs.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He is a sadist and a pervert. Tell him you wont stand in his way of finding a boyfriend. Why someone would want poop sex over a loving woman is beyond me.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems a little rash to divorce over this. Isn't there any middle ground? Have you talked about this...and I don't mean through marriage counsel (since this never gets you anywhere) actually sit down and talk about this. Tell him why you don't like it...but at the same time suggest other things he might like to replace it. You both are being immature if neither of you are willing to bend on this one issue.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Seems a little rash to divorce over this. Isn't there any middle ground? Have you talked about this...and I don't mean through marriage counsel (since this never gets you anywhere) actually sit down and talk about this. Tell him why you don't like it...but at the same time suggest other things he might like to replace it. You both are being immature if neither of you are willing to bend on this one issue.


Did we read the same posts? :scratchhead: She has spoken to him about this one act, she said. He is saying she is breaking up the family because she *won't* give him what he *says* he needs... anal. He says he needs it. And because of his words, his position on the subject, she is terrified of any intimacy. She tells him no to anal, he throws a fit and goes out to get drunk. 

And this is... rash, to divorce over?


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Did we read the same posts? :scratchhead: She has spoken to him about this one act, she said. He is saying she is breaking up the family because she *won't* give him what he *says* he needs... anal. He says he needs it. And because of his words, his position on the subject, she is terrified of any intimacy. She tells him no to anal, he throws a fit and goes out to get drunk.
> 
> And this is... rash, to divorce over?


Yes, I do believe this is a little rash to divorce over this one item. If they can compromise on anal and do something else she wants to do, wouldn't this be better than divorce?? I find these days that people do rash things over practically nothing without trying to compromise first. I don't see much here about any compromise or attempt thereof. If anal is off the table the OP should suggest things that ARE on the table.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Yes, I do believe this is a little rash to divorce over this one item. If they can compromise on anal and do something else she wants to do, wouldn't this be better than divorce?? I find these days that people do rash things over practically nothing without trying to compromise first. I don't see much here about any compromise or attempt thereof. If anal is off the table the OP should suggest things that ARE on the table.


You assume she hasn't given options that she is open to? I guess we have to wait for her replies. But I read the part about her telling him no about anal as being more involved than just saying "no anal, period. Entire discussion over." Maybe I am wrong. But I assume when someone constantly harps on one sex act, that person isn't in a compromising mood... especially when he claims he NEEDS that act in order to be happy, even if doing that act makes his wife cringe at the idea of ANY intimacy because she is afraid he is going to push for THAT act. I guess we read something different, though. Hopefully, OP will be able to clear that up.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You have every right to turn down any sex act you don't enjoy, and certainly one that is painful or nasty to you.

At the same time if for some reason he has such a strong fetish for this that he feels he cannot be happy without it, he can get a divorce - providing what ever sort of child support is required in your area. I feel than anyone should always feel free to leave a marriage if they want - provided that they provide the required support.

We could argue over whether he is a "bad" person, but I don't think it matters. If he cannot be happy without anal sex, and you don't want it, then you cannot be happy together. 

In response to other posters, I don't think threatening to divorce raises the pressure to the level of rape, I leave that term for some sort of threat of illegal action or harm. This might be different in a country with different divorce laws.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Please, jb, don't think I am mad at you. I do agree that if they have not discussed things that she is willing to try, then they should. But if anal is something he is adamant about, even knowing why she doesn't want to do it, then she has definitely made the right decision.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's probably a lot more going on than we're hearing.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Maricha75 said:


> Please, jb, don't think I am mad at you. I do agree that if they have not discussed things that she is willing to try, then they should. But if anal is something he is adamant about, even knowing why she doesn't want to do it, then she has definitely made the right decision.


Definitely not mad at you at all  I agree with you, in part...I just think it's too bad for a break up like this to happen over a sex act. Maybe I'm reading too much of my own feelings into this but if I were given a choice between a different kind of sex act or divorce, the choice would be obvious. I'm sure that I'm in some way over simplifying this. Wish my own martial problems were this easy to solve.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> You assume she hasn't given options that she is open to? I guess we have to wait for her replies. But I read the part about her telling him no about anal as being more involved than just saying "no anal, period. Entire discussion over." Maybe I am wrong. But I assume when someone constantly harps on one sex act, that person isn't in a compromising mood... especially when he claims he NEEDS that act in order to be happy, even if doing that act makes his wife cringe at the idea of ANY intimacy because she is afraid he is going to push for THAT act. I guess we read something different, though. Hopefully, OP will be able to clear that up.


It's clearly not about one particular sex act, it's about boundaries. I suspect the point JB is making is that there may be other ways to enforce a boundary than just leaving the marriage.

Querty, what other ways have you already been trying to enforce your boundary - you have told him that you hate it, but how have you made it overtly clear that you will not do it? Do you just give in when he persists? If you refuse, what then? What are the consequences you are laying down for him if he tries to initiate that particular act?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> Definitely not mad at you at all  I agree with you, in part...I just think it's too bad for a break up like this to happen over a sex act. Maybe I'm reading too much of my own feelings into this but if I were given a choice between a different kind of sex act or divorce, the choice would be obvious. I'm sure that I'm in some way over simplifying this. Wish my own martial problems were this easy to solve.


 She has repeatedly told him she doesn't want to do it, yet he keeps insisting. There's more to this than just him wanting a sex act. THAT would be marriage-altering, not just 'a sex act.'

What is your marriage like? Are you equals? You seem to intimate that he behaves poorly when told no. Does this happen in other situations?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Yes, I do believe this is a little rash to divorce over this one item. If they can compromise on anal and do something else she wants to do, wouldn't this be better than divorce?? I find these days that people do rash things over practically nothing without trying to compromise first. I don't see much here about any compromise or attempt thereof. If anal is off the table the OP should suggest things that ARE on the table.


Sorry, 2 years is not rash.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

jb02157 said:


> Yes, I do believe this is a little rash to divorce over this one item. If they can compromise on anal and do something else she wants to do, wouldn't this be better than divorce?? I find these days that people do rash things over practically nothing without trying to compromise first. I don't see much here about any compromise or attempt thereof. If anal is off the table the OP should suggest things that ARE on the table.


I don't understand. We are talking about marital intimacy between two people who love each other, right? By compromise do you mean she needs to offer him an alternative warm wet hole to poke in compensation for the withdrawal of her anus? If she were responsible for providing him with pokie holes for his penis that might work. I don't think she sees that as mutually satisfying sexual intimacy. My advice to the OP is never do anything sexually that you find repulsive. Don't offer any compromises on the point. No is no. Respect yourself and your body and protect your long term love and ability to maintain intimacy. . 

If you are doing something you hate with someone who is supposed to love and care about you guess what? You hate what you are doing and that kills whatever love you had for that person. There is no way that a person who loves you can have an orgasm knowing that you are physically or psychologically hurting.

You are not responsible for finding alternatives to please your husband. As part of compromise in any relationship, both people need to work at finding things that they both like to do. There is no shortage of fun mutually pleasurable sexual things that men and woman can do. Why would anyone voluntarily have sex that degrades and dismisses their humanity.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> If you are doing something you hate with someone who is supposed to love and care about you guess what? You hate what you are doing and that kills whatever love you had for that person. There is no way that a person who loves you can have an orgasm knowing that you are physically or psychologically hurting.
> .


Yes and think about how much worse he made it with these actions:


> And by pressure, I mean if I say no (which I do), he will leave the apartment in a huff and go out to get drunk...come home at 2am and crash on the couch.


She already compromised, for 2 years, by doing something she despised. I am trying to figure out why she should compromise again.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

morituri said:


> You don't have to give them the gory details just simply state that, over the years, your husband has derived pleasure from your excruciating pain. It is called sadism and its practitioners are called sadists.


Exactly.

I'm not a man, so I could be way off base here, but I can't imagine anal feels THAT different from vaginal. (?) I have to think the desire comes from something psychological. And considering that anal can be extremely painful to the recipient, I assume that on some level, that something has to do with dominating, hurting and/or humiliating you.

And to leave in a huff over it? He is bullying you to get you to do something you loathe.

Are there other issues in your marriage? This does not seem like normal husband behavior at all. Certainly not the behavior of a man who loves his wife. 

Anyhow - I agree with morituri - you can tell people he was causing you extreme pain sexually and would not stop. And if anal with an unwilling wife is so normal that he has the right to leave in a huff to get drunk when he doesn't get it - then surely he won't mind you explaining to friends and family the reason for your divorce. (You don't have to actually tell them the detail, but you can bluff to him that you plan to.)

And since when does not getting a desired, specific sex act cause a person to get drunk? (Sorry, but your husband is really pissing me off!)


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Seems a little rash to divorce over this. Isn't there any middle ground? Have you talked about this...and I don't mean through marriage counsel (since this never gets you anywhere) actually sit down and talk about this. Tell him why you don't like it...but at the same time suggest other things he might like to replace it. You both are being immature if neither of you are willing to bend on this one issue.


I just think this is about so much more than one sex act.

What kind of person bullies their spouse for one sex act they hate out of the plethora of things people can do together sexually? And leaves home and gets drunk 'till 2:00 AM when they don't get exactly what they want? From what she said he specifically wants Anal. She sounds perfectly willing to do other things with him sexually. It sounds like he is the one who will not compromise. But the fact that he is trying to force anal sex on her indicates to me there is something much deeper and darker wrong here than just this one issue. I'm guessing he's a controlling bully in many ways that she isn't mentioning or maybe has not recognized yet.

I am usually one to think people should try hard to save their marriages. But this guy really sounds sadistic.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Anal sex is what keeps the proctologists rolling in money.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe he's enjoying it with his male partners so he wants it from her, too.


----------



## redwing_10 (Mar 29, 2012)

You should never be forced to do what you don't want to do. It is selfish of him to expect this.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> Maybe he's enjoying it with his male partners so he wants it from her, too.


I was thinking the same damn thing !


----------



## Pianoguy (Jan 12, 2015)

Sounds to me like he's been watching porn. If he is insistent that it has to be this form of sex, I'd ask why? It isn't to grow closer in intimacy with you, his wife. His attention is being diverted. Its not because of you, if he isn't willing to consider you and discuss as two mature adults, I'd say there's probably other things he's looking to for comfort rather than considering your needs.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> Seems a little rash to divorce over this. Isn't there any middle ground? Have you talked about this...and I don't mean through marriage counsel (since this never gets you anywhere) actually sit down and talk about this. Tell him why you don't like it...but at the same time suggest other things he might like to replace it.


I agree that it's very rash to destroy a family over anal sex. It seems that her husband has, however decided to do exactly that.

Apparently he will not talk about it or suggest any alternative except him going to and getting drunk and disrespecting his wife.



jb02157 said:


> You both are being immature if neither of you are willing to bend on this one issue.


How is her refusal to do something that hurts her immature? Did they change the definition of the word, or something?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How is her refusal to do something that hurts her immature? Did they change the definition of the word, or something?


----------

