# NO DESIRE for sex after multiple ddays



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

While my husband is doing tons of heavy-lifting and everything right, I have lost practically all my sexual desire for him. I'm trying to have it at least once or twice a week because he deserves it with how much he is trying to change his life and our relationship for the better. But I dread it. And I cry after it every time. 

Seriously, I dread sex. It's so sad. I don't want to think about it. I wish sex never existed and caused me all this heartbreak. I know this sounds pathetic, but I really am indifferent to sex after multiple ddays. 

Perhaps it's the armor that I repeatedly built around my heart each time he crushed my world. Maybe it just takes time for those layers of protection to dissolve. Is that it?

Or is it that I no longer find him that admirable prince I once believed him to be? Is it that he is tainted and less attractive in my eyes? Sometimes I sense that I lost a lot of respect for him. My estimation of him took a major hit, and it is affecting my attraction to him. Honestly, I find him much less handsome now than I did pre-dday even though there has been little real physical change in his appearance. 

I don't think it's triggers of imagining what he would do with someone else while we are having sex. Perhaps it is more this sense of my own not being enough. My self-esteem has taken a major hit. I've suffered depression in the past and was bulimic (yes gross) in high-school and my first years as an undergrad. I really got past all of that misery and found happiness and contentment. Years of positive attitudes towards this one life to be lived passed. 

But now I've returned to that dark place filled with discontent with life and with myself. I'm so miserable and I've been turning to food. I'm so stressed with grad school and this and I don't have any motivation to be beautiful. I'd rather enjoy pizza than make myself pretty. Pretty for what? I think I've gained twenty pounds since I met my husband - ten since this heartbreak. I don't want to fall into the eating disorder world. But I can't seem to do it the healthy way. And I have no sexual confidence in bed. Worse, there's no motivation.

I guess this is a vent. But it's also an opening for a discussion on the internal battles being waged by BSs in the realm of sex and desire.

Is there anyone else out there who did NOT experience wild sexual bonding during R after multiple ddays? Is there anyone else who has lost sexual desire for their WS even though there WS is incredibly remorseful and doing everything right?

If you experienced this, did it get better? How much longer until that attraction returns? 

I can't believe I chose a man who would do this to me. Who would complicate my life and beliefs in the goodness of man. I'm another failure in the history of heartbreak. Will my heart turn around?


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Everything is still fairly fresh for me as well, so since I don't have any sage words of advice, I'll join you in sharing how I feel. I was trickle truthed from February to March, from my birthday to our anniversary, and it did kill some of my feelings for her. I just don't feel the same spark I felt around her all the time before, and even when I do feel it now, other feelings remind me... oh yeah, she cheated on me, she lied to me, she isn't the paragon I thought she was. 

After we first got back together, we did have crazy bonding sex for a full week. I felt a strong need to erase and over-write what had happened. Then, at the end of that week, she told me she wanted to be friends with the other guy again. I think that was the week part of my sex drive for her died, as I felt like she'd been trying to fix the situation and manipulate the outcome with sex, which is something she always withheld from me. 

After 3 spread out and increasingly disgusting versions of what occurred in the affair, followed by this demand to remain friends with OM - this is when I truly wrote her off in my heart. Ironically, that seemed to be what I needed to do to get her back. But I wasn't doing it for play... it's how I felt, how I needed to feel, and it hasn't gone away despite her best efforts and my willingness to try to work on things.

A few weeks later, all contact was 100% broken with OM and all illusions shattered, she was (and is) very supportive and very driven to fix things. It took me a few attempts to get past the mental images and thoughts I was having and have sex again. I still have such thoughts sometimes when we're in close contact, but not at all when we're in the middle of sex. 

I've never had the slightest problem getting an erection, but if I'm in the wrong mindset when she's coming onto me now, literally nothing happens. I'm just not attracted to her and don't want her at those times. Though I appreciate my dangly bits looking out for my well-being... I wish it'd just do its job and let me make the executive decisions about how to move forward. That's never a decision I've had made for me, it's been: Woman comes onto me, my body is ready for sex, I decide how to proceed. Part of me is broken when it comes to her and I hope that goes away and doesn't spread.

I don't feel any obligation to have sex, really, but I feel the irony of having more or less free access to a woman I wanted for years, but now I can't touch or even look at her the same way. Besides, the sex is probably more for me than her at this point. I just wish I wanted it more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you need time to rebuild the trust and passion in your relationship. The trust has to come first. Do not force the sex. Doing so will continue to build a wall around you. Take a break while the two of you work on non-sexual things.


Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? I think that the book will help in explaining what is needed to get the two of you back on track.

How much time a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you enjoy? Just the two of you?

A couple needs at least 15 hours a week like this to keep the love/passion alive in the relationship. In your case you probably need more. Do you get this amount of time from your husband?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Satya said:


> In fact I hated all men for a while, *then I found TAM men*!


There is nothing like TAM men. I thought men like that did not exist.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Multiple DDays ? Maybe its simply time to move on.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

If he's cheated over and over again, WHY are you still with him!?! He obviously doesn't understand reconciliation. This guy is a serial cheater
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

And this is why I don't believe in reconciliation. It is not for the faint hearted. Why do people stick around to torture themselves when they can be with someone else. 

I know there are many reasons to stay with someone in misery, but come on. 

Why don't you leave your husband? Talk about no self respect for oneself. He is a serial cheater and yet you want to be in the presence of someone so horrible?


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I'd get checked for STDs, too. My SIL's husband cheated on her, he says once, but he brought into the marital bed herpes. The gift that keeps on giving. Please take care of yourself.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> I'm trying to have it at least once or twice a week because he deserves it with how much he is trying to change his life and our relationship for the better. But I dread it. And I cry after it every time.
> 
> Seriously, I dread sex.


This is me. (26 months after D-Day, 8 months after T-Day, which is the day I finally uncovered the full truth about my wife's affair).

My desire for her dropped off immediately after the depths of her deception were revealed. I also tried to rekindle the spark, but found myself in emotional anguish for days following sex. If anything, it's gotten worse. I do everything I can to avoid her.




totallyunexpected said:


> Or is it that I no longer find him that admirable prince I once believed him to be? Is it that he is tainted and less attractive in my eyes? Sometimes I sense that I lost a lot of respect for him. My estimation of him took a major hit, and it is affecting my attraction to him. Honestly, I find him much less handsome now than I did pre-dday even though there has been little real physical change in his appearance.


Wow! All of the above.

My eyes were finally opened to what kind of person I married. Love is blind, sister, but now that the love filter is removed, I see a completely different person than the idealized one I lived with for 23 years. 

Yes, I believe her body, mind and soul are tainted with the stench of the pig with whom she rutted. 

It's also true that I have little respect for the woman.

As for the physical appearance: I've spent the last two years returning to great physical condition and living much more fitfully. WW, on the other hand, has aged 10 years in the last 2, found most of the weight I lost, and seems to be physically deteriorating under the stress she brought into our household.

Like I always told her: consequences.

I know the only way to turn this around is to hand my wife a clean slate and be willing to start over, to open myself up to an intimate, romantic, relationship -- to make myself vulnerable.

I can't do it. 

So, there we are. I live in an emotional blast shelter and peer out the peephole and watch her slowly melt away under the intense radiation she released into our environment.

My marriage is a science project now. It's not good, but it's interesting.

Interesting in that Chinese Proverb kind of way . . .


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm convinced that an A is emotional abuse. The first time around they're probably surprised by the pain they caused. I know I was surprised by how bad it hurt to find out. After that they know what they were doing. 

Multiple As is a lot of deliberately inflicted abuse. So he treated you like trash, completely destroyed your trust, and smashed any respect you had for him. I don't think the question is whay aren't you attracted to him. The question is how could you be?


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