# Gutted to have to admit to an ONS



## HopingtoRebuild (Nov 7, 2012)

I don't really feel like I deserve your help, but I'm going to ask for it anyway.

I was on a business trip last week, and last Friday night, I ended up having a one-night stand. I made a series of bad decisions and, as a result of them, I ended up cheating on my wife.

I've been with my wife for 16 years, married 7. After years of trying, we finally had a child 14 months ago, and have a wonderful little boy. I've never been unfaithful before.

I know I have problems with money. Despite this, I've been in charge of money management in our family, mostly at my own insistance. I'm dealing with clients that are not paying their bills, and as a result, I'm feeling a lot of stress and fear about not being able to support my wife and little one. This year will be my first year as sole earner, and I'm deeply afraid I'll be unable to sufficiently answer the bell.

We're not going to go broke, and we're not poor, but I have been very scared that I'm going to come up short on this dream my wife and I have had of her staying off work at least until our boy is off to school. 

Feeling this way on Friday led me to my first destructive behaviour of the day. On an impulse, and an urge to feel better about where I was at, I bought myself an iPad mini on its launch date. After playing it for a while, though, the sad realization that I'd done absolutely nothing to help my situation dawned on me, and I realized that I'd screwed up in buying the iPad.

Feeling very low about the whole thing, I went out for a drink. I sat down at the bar, and a woman sat down next to me. She's a couple of years older than me. We chatted for a while. She got a little bit flirty, which surprised me, because I'm horrible at flirting and always have been. My wife tries hard to flirt with me, but I'm pretty dismal at it. 

Anyway, we had a couple of more drinks, and eventually, she invited me back to her room. I felt surprised that I agreed. I'm not sure if that's what's referred to around here as "the fog," but I remember being surprised that I agreed to her next few advances, which ended up with us in bed. Fortunately, a condom was used. 

Partway through, I had trouble maintaining, and that caused a sweeping feeling of disgust, guilt, shame, and remorse at what I was doing. I got out of the situation as quickly as I could, with her yelling at me on my way out.

Ever since, I've been awash in those same feelings of disgust, guilt, shame and remorse. I can't believe how easily I found myself in this situation, which up until that very night, had been anathema to me. I'm crushed that I've made such bad choices that may ruin the lives of the two people I love the most -- my wife and our son -- and that it's going to very severely impact the lives of many more people about whom I care dearly -- my parents, my parents-in-law (who have become like parents to me), and my wife's siblings.

But mostly, it's my wife and our little one that I grieve for. I love them both with everything I have, and I can't believe how badly I've failed them as a husband and a father.

I'm shocked and sickened by what I've done. I know I have no excuses. I made a series of bad choices that led to this happening. I'm 100 per cent at fault for it happening.

It breaks my heart that as I'm writing this, my wife is out enjoying a night out pursuing a new hobby, and that my child is cheerfully handing me his toys to play with. It crushes me to think that I've potentially destroyed all this beyond repair.

I know I have to tell me wife. She deserves to know the true nature of this relationship, and she deserves to decide whether it's worth her effort to try to put the pieces back together after what I've done to her. 

I also know I need to tell her because there could be STIs involved. Yes, a condom was used, and I'm confident it was used properly. But that doesn't provide 100 per cent protection against anything, and doesn't provide much protection things like herpes and HPV. She needs to know that I'm going to be in the dark about my sexual health for at least weeks, if not months, and there's no way I can face the risk -- however tiny it may be -- of something that I picked up from this to be passed on to her or to our little boy.

It's tempting to listen to the voice of the "Don't tell her, don't ruin everybody's lives for one night of indiscrection" and the "a real man would just swallow all the guilt himself and work hard on becoming a better husband and father without burdening her" crowd, but I know I can't do that.

So, I'm down to "how" and "when," which is where I need the help.

When is hard -- I'm heading out of town on another weeklong road trip (I travel a fair bit in my business) starting on Sunday. Ideally, I'd like to tell her as soon as possible. I think that's the most fair thing to do in this entirely unfair (to her) scenario. 

Part of me wonders if telling her before going away for a week is a good idea. I suspect there's a good chance I'll be thrown out of the house for my indiscretion anyway, and part of me wonders if that week of forced distance would be helpful.

But the vast majority of me believes that's an incredibly stupid idea. I feel like I owe it to her to be around as much as I humanly can be during the hours/days/weeks after I break her heart -- assuming that is that she'll accept my presence.

I feel like I should be around, or at least readily available, to answer any and all questions, and to offer whatever support she'll allow me to offer. I want to be there to hold her, if she'll have it. At least, I want to be there to hold her when she'll have it.

I feel like I should be there, again if allowed, in those early hours/days/weeks to help take care of our little one.

I feel like I should be there, if allowed, to really see and feel the kind of pain I've caused, so I can really feel remorse for how I've made her feel, and not just for my own guilt.

Am I right that I should wait until I come back to do this?

And I'd be most welcoming to any advice on how to "best" tell this. I'm reading through Linda MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal e-book at present on the advice of a poster in another thread. Any other guidance or good materials to help me set myself up to be as supportive as I'm allowed to be?

Thanks for your time in reading this, and for all I've already learned on a subject I hoped to never have to learn about. 

I know it's a longshot that she'll be willing to accept me after what I've done, but on the off chance that she is, I want to be in the best possible position to give it the best possible chance, knowing that means completely deconstructing what happened, why it happened, and how to never make it happen again. 

I know I have to take 100 per cent blame, and reassure my wife at every turn that she did nothing wrong... that I made a series of bad choices once, that it's something I could never ever do again, and that I feel absolutely gutted that I've caused her this much pain and anger.

I know this has been long and rambling, and I thank you for reading. Please, I ask for any help you can offer me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

First thing, get tested for STDs.


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## HopingtoRebuild (Nov 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> First thing, get tested for STDs.


Absolutely. Although most require at least four-to-six weeks after exposure to be reasonably sure of no false negatives.

I feel like I should tell her well before that time.

We have not had any sexual interaction since I came home, and we obviously will not.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

IMHO a man takes his licks, gets back up, brushes himself off, makes a plan and follows through. A boy hides and lies. She may leave you. But she is only reacting to what you brought to the marriage. It's her choice. Let her make it. 

Waiting one more minute to tell her raises questions about your sincerity to her. A business trip may have to wait for your marriages most critical hour. 

Man up, and then follow up with how you will make it work with her. And mean it. 

Good luck.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Please tell her. I don't know if there's a good way to tell her. Perhaps the others have ideas of how to do it. Each day you delay telling her the worse it will be for her. Tell her as soon as possible. 

I don't think the "fog" applies to your type of infidelity. It's more for the type of cheating where the person gets to know another over a period of time.

The scariest affairs (this is just my personal opinion) are the type you've had. A random encounter with a stranger and off to bed you go. I don't know how you protect against those random one night stands. At least if it was with a colleague with whom you had multiple personal conversations over a long period of time and developed feelings for her, one could understand (maybe not forgive) such an indiscretion and could guard against it by not getting too close to a colleague. You on the other hand met someone then banged her. You put something that meant nothing ahead of your wife and child. That's going to sting. 

You don't get any credit for not fully completing the act. I doubt that little detail (no pun intended) will matter much to your wife. 

You need to figure out why you did something you say is so against your character and morals. How can you make your wife feel safe? You can't possibly avoid conversations with women. You could and should avoid bars, pubs, etc. If you travel a lot for business as you say, she's bound to feel terribly insecure in the marriage. She won't know what you're doing and with whom. She'll have awful mind movies about what you might be doing. How can you protect her if you're away for business? Is it possible to cut down on the travel at least for a long time until she feels better (assuming she reconciles with you) ? You'll have to come up with a list of things you'll do to maintain your boundaries. 

Good luck.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Well... here we go, I know this won't be a popular opinion, but I have to call it the way I see it.

*Assuming everything you wrote so far is 100% true.*
_(I'm a little suspicious of the 7 years married and 9 years "together", what does that mean, lived together or dated and lived separately?)_


I'm not convinced you want to come clean for the right reasons. Sure, you're painfully guilt ridden right now and you want to do the right thing and come clean, but why? Seriously, why?

Let me suggest to you that not only did you display weakness when you went to the room with this unknown woman, but now, with this terrible guilt on your conscience, you are once again displaying weakness (IN MY OPINION). You are so overwhelmed with this guilt, that rather than accept the full weight of it solely on your shoulders, you're willing to RUIN your wife's life, create an insecurity in her that you can in no way fully comprehend, and possibly create even more of a financial burden by hindering your ability to travel, and why? Because if you tell her I think that somewhere, deep down inside, you think that you can somehow reduce your burden of guilt and maybe even get her forgiveness, and that would sure make you feel better... at her expense.

If you were having an emotional affair with someone, then yes, come clean. If you had a girlfriend, then yes, come clean. But a sleazy barfly that (assuming your story is true) you'll never see again and that you have absolutely no interest in, and, in fact, couldn't even complete the entire sex act with because you felt shame and guilt?

If it was me, and I truly was remorseful and if I knew it wasn't my nature to behave that way and I was reasonably sure it would never happen again? I wouldn't say a thing. I know that isn't the popular thing to say, but I would shoulder the guilt and spare my wife the indescribable grief.

I know what it feels like to be cheated on, as do most of the people here, and if we don't agree on anything else, we will all agree that they wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, certainly not someone we love.

Think carefully about what you're about to do. The one night stand can't be undone, that's your burden. Once you tell her, that can't be undone either, and then it becomes three peoples burden, yes, your infant will be affected too.

I don't feel good about suggesting you think twice before jumping into this, but I can't help but think that your trying to share the burden of this guilt for selfish reasons.

How do you live with the guilt? I don't know. Are you better off sparing your wife the grief and carrying the burden yourself? I don't know.

T


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> You'll have to come up with a list of things you'll do to maintain your boundaries.
> 
> Good luck.




:iagree:


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Tony55 said:


> I'm not convinced you want to come clean for the right reasons. Sure, you're painfully guilt ridden right now and you want to do the right thing and come clean, but why? Seriously, why?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No offense meant Tony, but I completely disagree with everything you posted. 

The OP has already said that his wife deserves the truth about him. He is correct. She deserves to know that he can't keep his d*** in his pants when he is out on the road. She has a right to decide if she wants to stay in a marriage with someone like that. 

This whole idea you have about sparing her grief is completely misguided in my opinion. So it will be better when she finds out 2 years after the fact? No. As a matter of fact, the longer he waits to come clean, the worse it will be. She is going to feel like the entire time between his cheating and Dday is a lie. If he doesn't tell her for 2-3 years, or if something happens and she finds out years from now, that whole amount of time in between the two is destroyed. That is no longer "years of being happily married" but it is now " years of lies and betrayal". 

OP, you know you need to come clean and let your wife decide what she wants. You need to take a deeper look at yourself and figure out WHY you allowed any of that to happen regardless of what she decides.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I agree right now you have cheated, if you don't tell her you have cheated and lied to her face every day since (sounds like you've figured that already).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont have any advice to offer as to when to tell her or how, but I do feel incredibly sad for your wife and how this is going to make her feel.

Its the worst feeling in the world to know your spouse has betrayed you!

Good luck!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

My only question is that if this encounter was spontaneous and not planned, how was it that the OP just happened to have a condom available.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

abitlost said:


> I agree right now you have cheated, if you don't tell her you have cheated and lied to her face every day since (sounds like you've figured that already).


Exactly my advice too.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> My only question is that if this encounter was spontaneous and not planned, how was it that the OP just happened to have a condom available.


As a single woman, I always carried condoms. Although, I never hung out in hotel bars picking up random men!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, in my husband's case, he happened to have a condom because he'd actually been trolling for a random woman to pick up. His "spontaneous" and "unplanned" ONS was actually quite well planned and pre-meditated. 

He also didn't tell me about it for 2 years.

Don't be my husband, OP. Don't ever be the kind of @sshat who looks his wife in the eye every single day and lies to her, _for years_. There's very little on this earth that will do more damage to her than that.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Here's my 2 cents. #1 have you ever met that woman before? are you colleagues? #2 most will disagree, but I'd rather not know, if this was seriously an accidental infidelity and won't happen again. I'd suggest seeing a councillor and talking it out with them. The thing is, this could cost you your marriage... I have been betrayed and left for an affair partner right after giving birth to our bub #2 and I'd personally rather not know, if this was something completely meaningless. I have felt so much pain and anguish over that.... I'd rather be saved it. 
If you do decide to tell however, DO NOT do it before you go away. She might want to punch you or kick you out, but when she needs you there to talk when SHE feels like it, you should be available. Otherwise you seem like a coward who ran away and abandoned her at the worst time. Also, since this happened on a business trip, you could be providing a potentially lethal trigger to your marriage.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The problem with not telling your wife, as some suggest, is that it could make you want to try again...just my opinion.

In your wife's shoes, I'd want to know. And yes. I'd divorce over something like that. But hey, you have to take that chance, don't you, when you do something like cheat on your spouse...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

So, there are some serious issues in this marriage aside from your ONS. Those issues merit a discussion, individual counseling and marriage counseling all on their own.

I strongly feel that honesty is the best policy with regards to the ONS. When you start keeping secrets (especially a big one), it starts getting easier and becomes a habit to start keeping other secrets. This is very dangerous and can lead to other ONS or PA. 

It will not be easy to talk about this with your wife, but you do owe her your HONESTY and allow her to make choices in her life as to whether she wishes to work through them or not with you.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

There is no good time to throw a handgrenate like this on your wife, so why not just tell it like it is now after you have figured out what to say (do Coffee Amores list for preparation).


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Take _not_ telling her off the table. Not because she _deserves_ to know, or it's the _right_ thing to do. Because you have too, for you. 

You have a conscious and feel this guilt deep in your soul... This secret will eat you alive, it will change you fundementally and that tiny cancer will eat you from the inside out. It will come out, it always does. This is a secret you can't carry.

You deal with this, or it will deal with you.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I don't always believe there is something wrong in the marriage when people cheat.

Often, it is because the cheaters have problems with their own self-esteem, depression, general disappointment in themselves, or a multitude of other personal reasons.

A spouse cannot make all that better in a marriage just by having a good relationship.

My husbands reasons were - getting older, felt he wasn't as successful in his career as he wished to be, low self-esteem. 

These are not good excuses, but our marriage was good.

He was selfish and needed some kind of boost which didn't help anything anyway.

I cannot fix his problems he has with himself. Now, along with all his other issues, he has guilt about hurting me.


Tell your wife what you did, and then try and work on your personal problems that you have with yourself.


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## Pyroguy (Aug 28, 2012)

So sorry to hear of this situation. At first, I was considering advising you to keep it to yourself, since the act wasn't fully "completed" (you skipped out on the "best part", the reason to be there to begin with...kudos to you for being strong enough to walk out like that...most men and women would probably "finish" first, THEN feel guilty!), and because of the devastation that is going to be caused by this revelation. We all make mistakes, some big ones, some small ones, but if finding out something a loved one did might END that love, and destroy many lives for years, compared to a few minutes of indiscretion, what's the point? Clearly you love your wife and children...clearly you are already devastated by what happened...hopefully you would have learned to be stronger to AVOID such a situation in the future, and also to be even MORE dedicated and loving to your family. In other words, change the bad situation into a learning experience to be even better to your wife and child(ren).

I know many here already disagree with me, but we've all read on these very pages far worse things, than a man who makes his first mistake that he doesn't even finish.

That said, however, I do agree that you must tell her, because of the possibility of STD's. As another here questioned, did YOU have the condom on you, or did SHE? If you did, then it appears YOU were anticipating the possibility of such a situation. If SHE did, then she may be conscientious about getting an STD from her "casual encounters" (or worse, she KNOWS she has them and is at least trying to keep from passing along her disease(s), which is a dangerous situation). Whichever the case may be, you can't wait to have relations with your wife until you can know for sure. And, I think it's actually 4-6 MONTHS, not weeks, in order for some STD's to incubate sufficiently to be detectable. That's a real problem for you and your wife.

Please tell her. Stress that you didn't even finish, that your guilt of being there, and of thinking of her, that you left the woman yelling at you. My wife and I knew a family once where the man was cheating on his wife, and caught genital herpes. Because he didn't know he had them, and continued to have relations with his wife, she was infected, and it did TERRIBLE things to her that it didn't do to him. She seemed to be more affected in her face than anywhere else, and OFTEN. Google search Images of "genital herpes face" to get an idea of what his poor wife wound up dealing with, including having to give up her job, because of HIS carousing, and eventually leaving her and their kids for this other woman.

You will have to stop having intercourse, and probably even kissing (no exchange of body fluids) for as long as your doctor recommends, until you know the status of STD's in your own system. I agree with your statement that even condoms don't protect 100%, so don't make your wife even take a 1% chance to get it. This alone is going to put a great strain on your marriage.

You're in a bad situation, and I earnestly hope you do the right thing here, and I hope you and your wife can work through what happened, and come out stronger in the end.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

TELL HER. I found out my husband did something fairly similar eight years after the fact and it has just about killed me. I feel ruined. I now question half our marriage, who my husband was, what was real, what was fake. I now worry about other trips he took and it just snowballs. I can't even look at family pics of us with our kids without thinking it was all a lie. I can't stress this enough, TELL HER. If you don't and she finds out (Trust me, it most always comes out even in the best of times.) she will consider her life to be a lie and will be robbed of those years. It destroys all good memories into dust. It will be bad, but much worse years later. Please don't do that to her. You think it would have been harder on my 5 and 2 year old or harder on them as teens? Trust me, they know what is going on. I beg of you, tell her. She deserves to know what has happened in her marriage. I speak from experience. And on top of this, it will hold you accountable in the future. My husband still had issues with boundaries after the fact, he never had any consequences. Make sense?

ETA - I got HPV from his ONS and it was out of nowhere. Totally humiliating experience cause here I was this married stay at home mom with no clue about his indiscretion. There is no test for HPV for the men, plus it can stay dormant in the body and pop up later. Don't cause her that embarrassment.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> And I'd be most welcoming to any advice on how to "best" tell this.


For the ones who encourage the OP to come clean immediately, I think he would like suggestions on the *best* way to approach this. If I understand this correctly, the clock is ticking on this pretty fast.

I vote that, if this business trip is unavoidable, and if you're dead set on coming clean, then at least, for your wife's sake, wait until after this trip to do it.

T


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The best way to do this is quickly and completely. Don't delay, be completely honest. The timing will never be good.

Work on a way for the business trip to be easier for the wife, maybe have her join you. Skype after meetings, when you return to the hotel, etc.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think the only way to tell her to 1) do it TODAY and 2) DO NOT go on the next business trip, or else *take her with you* if you MUST go. Also, you are going to have to seriously reconsider going on any business trips for the foreseeable future without her, if she is willing to work on things.

Have a plan when you tell her. It should include IC for you, an offer to make her an IC appt if she wants you to, and the promise of MC with her if and when she wishes it.

I commend you for the way you're feeling right now. Don't lose sight of what you've done. Don't think it's going to go away in a week or two. If your wife agrees to reconcile, you have YEARS of hard work ahead of you.


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## HopingtoRebuild (Nov 7, 2012)

I'd like to thank you all for your responses, questions and advice thus far. I'm still trying to learn how to best approach this.

To answer the biggest question that's been asked here, she presented the condom. To attempt to answer the question that begs... I'm not sure what I would have done had there been no condom. Everything I think I know about myself says I would have turned and ran at that point, but then, everything I think I know about myself wouldn't have done much of this.

Thanks to gemjo's question about whether or not cheating husbands think about their wives/families while en route for an ONS, I think I've begun to realize the common pattern of "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" that I've allowed to grow stronger and stronger had a big part in this happening... and in almost all of the failings I feel I've had.

Which brings me to my next question about how to handle this -- part of me feels that as part of the prep work many say I should do (lists of consequences, what I'm willing to suggest as ways to help correct my faulty mindsets and behaviors, etc.) I'm beginning to feel like I should more broadly acknowledge the things I've done in that "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" vein that perhaps have ultimately led to this.

Right now, I'm thinking I should do this in the form of a letter, listing as much of what I see in myself that I want and need to correct as I can, and suggesting ways to make that happen, if I'm allowed the opportunity.

I'll be working on these things myself either way, but I'd like to present them to my wife as part of my confession, to provide as honest a picture as I can, and to try to show the efforts I will make to correct these problems.

This will likely contain a list of as many of these transgressions as I can think of. I'm sure I won't find them all, but I'll document as many as I can right now. I'll present them, apologize for them as much as I can, and suggest appropriate ways of preventing these behaviors in the future. I'll ask for her help in any ways she's able to give it to support that, suggesting things like tough love ideas.

My plan is to tell her as much as I can about my ONS, answer as many questions as I can, and either at the end of the conversation, or at a point when it is appropriate to do so (territory in my letter comes up in a question, etc.), ask to read this letter to her. If she won't speak to me anymore at this point, I'll leave it with her, and try to bring it up to her at the earliest point I can.

And yes, by the way, if I do prepare this list of offenses I need to admit to and apologize to, waiting as long as I have to tell her will be on the list. 

Again, apologies for a very long post... but my question is this: Is this too much? Will it be too overwhelming to present all of this at once? Or am I better off to offer as complete picture of the problems I've created as possible, and as many solutions as I can think of (acknowledging that they are just my suggestions, and that I'm open to discussing, amending, or throwing them out for her terms as she sees fit)?

Thanks again for your help... even those of you who have been harsh have been fairly so, and every response, thought, bit of advice, and wish of luck is humbly and completely appreciated.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> I'd like to thank you all for your responses, questions and advice thus far. I'm still trying to learn how to best approach this.
> 
> To answer the biggest question that's been asked here, she presented the condom. To attempt to answer the question that begs... I'm not sure what I would have done had there been no condom. Everything I think I know about myself says I would have turned and ran at that point, but then, everything I think I know about myself wouldn't have done much of this.
> 
> ...


I only wish my WS would have done this. I wish you well and hope it works out. I think this is really the right thing to do. I'd say get it all out there, giving her bits and pieces over time is just gonna make it more painful.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> I'd like to thank you all for your responses, questions and advice thus far. I'm still trying to learn how to best approach this.
> 
> To answer the biggest question that's been asked here, she presented the condom. To attempt to answer the question that begs... I'm not sure what I would have done had there been no condom. Everything I think I know about myself says I would have turned and ran at that point, but then, everything I think I know about myself wouldn't have done much of this.
> 
> ...


Just to be sure, has there been more than one indiscretion?


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## HopingtoRebuild (Nov 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I only wish my WS would have done this. I wish you well and hope it works out. I think this is really the right thing to do. I'd say get it all out there, giving her bits and pieces over time is just gonna make it more painful.


Thank you for this feedback. It is sincerely appreciated.


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## HopingtoRebuild (Nov 7, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Just to be sure, has there been more than one indiscretion?


Of sexual infidelity? No, there has not. Just the once. I realize I have no credibility as an honest person at this point, but this is the honest truth.

My other indiscretions also fall under the "if she doesn't know, it won't hurt her" mentality, but came about in the form of failure to communicate -- things like spending money that I should not have spent without us having a discussion about it first. 

I'm beginning to see how those "lesser evils" ultimately led to me allowing myself to go to "the grater evil" that I could not have imagined before.

That doesn't condone those things, or make them any better. Which is a big part of why I feel like I should admit as much of it as I can, and offer suggestions for constructive (and even somewhat punitive) ways to ensure these old behaviors do not re-emerge.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> I'm beginning to see how those "lesser evils" ultimately led to me allowing myself to go to "the grater evil" that I could not have imagined before.


Great, great realization.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> This will likely contain a list of as many of these transgressions as I can think of. I'm sure I won't find them all, but I'll document as many as I can right now


Whoa, hold on my friend, if you're going to unload the bombshell that you had sex with this stranger, then I think any and all lesser offenses that may have occurred prior to that is like trying to tag pork onto a legislative bill in an effort to get it in under the wire, like you're trying to tag on earmark offenses.

Again, this all seems a little strange to me. I'm getting that same feeling that you're trying to unload your burden onto your wife for some kind of selfish reasons.

Stick to the one single betrayal here and don't confuse her with the little stuff (assuming they are little and unrelated to infidelity). Once you tell her you were in bed with this lady, any and all other crap on your list isn't even going to register. Keep it simple and too the point.

This isn't a confessional in which you tell the priest all your sins and get handed your absolution, this is the real deal, there's no praying this away.

T


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

HopingtoRebuild said:


> It's tempting to listen to the voice of the "Don't tell her, don't ruin everybody's lives for one night of indiscrection" and the "a real man would just swallow all the guilt himself and work hard on becoming a better husband and father without burdening her" crowd,* but I know I can't do that.*


You are telling her because you are _too weak_ to not hurt her. Not because she deserves to know. 

What she deserves, whether you tell her or not, is that you work on yourself to be a stronger person, you need to see yourself as earning credits for becoming a better man, a better husband and a better father. Work on it!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> You are telling her because you are _too weak_ to not hurt her. Not because she deserves to know.


Bull pucky.

What I think is that, if you are also going to admit to the lesser indiscretions, that you not list them all off at once. Acknowledge them as something that contributed, and as something you now know led to your mindset, but don't list them all off. You will need to list them for yourself I think, so you can take them to IC, but unless your wife wants to know details I wouldn't list them at this time.

I also wouldn't list every detail about your ONS unless she wants details. All BS's are different, and some just don't want details.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would not unload the other stuff. It's inconsequential in comparison and will just overwhelm your wife. It also muddles the issue at hand.

And I agree that part of it sounds indulgent - like you just want to release it all. Think of your W. Does she really need to know every little thing you've done wrong? Absolutely not. Hearing that you stuck it where it didn't belong will be more than she can handle - adding this other stuff is just kicking an already lame mule. And cruel, frankly.


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