# Marriage feels sexless to me, and I'm fed up.



## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

Background, married 15 years this year, we waited till marriage to have sex both of us at 21. Felt like we rushed our engagement some because we worried we would not be able to wait.

First year like most was great, averaged 4-5 times a week. Then we decided to try getting pregnant. the next 6 months were kind of fun just playing at it. Then it turned serious as things were not happening. Then it turned into a dreaded chore to attempt to get pregnant, the quality went down the intimacy of the act disappeared. We both started to resent it, and I almost felt like I was begging her to just have sex with me outside of her "Precious schedule". Thus I never want to hear the term "Ovulation schedule" ever again. After 7 years of very dismal chore sex to get pregnant, She wanted to divorce. We reconciled for a time.

Next we had a benefactor step in and offer to pay for IVF. This was great we were successful in getting pregnant and had a set of twins. The next 6months after they were born our lives were great, and it was very satisfactory sex 2-3 times a week and no asking or begging for it. Then for some reason she grew distant, and the intimacy between us dried up. I started to look into all the issues, Self Esteem, Weight, body image, Hormones, age, Birth control. I was very patient, I did everything to reassure her that I loved her, and tried to work with her to rekindle what we had for that short window.

After 3 years we were down to maybe once every 3 weeks. And it was only if she initiated it, and it was such a quick session that intimacy was never there. I feel like I'm just a roommate that she can screw when she's in the mood. I wouldn't even call what it is as her in the mood. She just rolls over and basically we have a quickie and she shuts down again. I feel like I'm only a tool for there to use when she's desperate. I haven't; felt loved in so long. After the 3 years and trying to address it with her internally I gave up. I told her that I wasn't in it anymore and didn't care, and that the ball was in her court. This didn't even phase her. Then 2 years have now passed and I'm ready to walk away as it has only continued to get worse. I don't even care about the amount of sex, it's the quality and intimacy. Feeling wanted and loved that I miss. I feel that if you have a good level of intimacy the sex is just the culmination of all of it.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I am like your wife, but because I don’t love my husband anymore. I have no feelings for him. He still wants to have sex a lot, I don’t. I agree to have sex with him just to get over with him, because he is annoying. He will not accept a “no” easily. He makes me feel like is my fault but of course I will lose interest if he has angry issues and complains about anything. How I am supposed to be in the mood when he raises his voice at me , yells at me when something doesn’t go his way. It’s easier for him to love me. I don’t make him upset. I don’t yell at him. 
I tell him why I am not in the mood. I am not sure why your wife is like that though. I am sorry but I got the feeling she doesn’t love you, that’s why she doesn’t want sex.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

marcy* said:


> I am like your wife, but because I don’t love my husband anymore. I have no feelings for him. He still wants to have sex a lot, I don’t. I agree to have sex with him just to get over with him, because he is annoying. He will not accept a “no” easily. He makes me feel like is my fault but of course I will lose interest if he has angry issues and complains about anything. How I am supposed to be in the mood when he raises his voice at me , yells at me when something doesn’t go his way. It’s easier for him to love me. I don’t make him upset. I don’t yell at him.
> I tell him why I am not in the mood. I am not sure why your wife is like that though. I am sorry but I got the feeling she doesn’t love you, that’s why she doesn’t want sex.


That’s totally understandable. I get that, but I don’t even get any thing from her good or bad. So it make me feel like I’m just her toy and atm.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Leave now, it won’t get any better. Ask me how I know


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

RebuildingMe said:


> Leave now, it won’t get any better. Ask me how I know


How do you know??


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I was in somewhat of the same situation you are in.
In the interest of brevity, I'll link to it:Why so many sexless marriages?
Basically after my wife pushed the envelope too far, I gave her three options. If it hadn't been for me getting mad as hell and changing the dynamic, I'd still be in the same situation as you.
However if you do what I did, you better be ready to walk the talk.
Best of luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> I am like your wife, but because I don’t love my husband anymore. I have no feelings for him. He still wants to have sex a lot, I don’t. I agree to have sex with him just to get over with him, because he is annoying. He will not accept a “no” easily. He makes me feel like is my fault but of course I will lose interest if he has angry issues and complains about anything. How I am supposed to be in the mood when he raises his voice at me , yells at me when something doesn’t go his way. It’s easier for him to love me. I don’t make him upset. I don’t yell at him.
> I tell him why I am not in the mood. I am not sure why your wife is like that though. I am sorry but I got the feeling she doesn’t love you, that’s why she doesn’t want sex.


Marcy, so WHY are you still with him if you don't love him and he treats you like that?
EDIT: Marcy, nevermind -- I just found your thread..


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

RebuildingMe said:


> Leave now, it won’t get any better. Ask me how I know


Yeah that’s what I worry is that it will just get worse. I would rather deal with it now then regret it later


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Then divorce her. Expect to care for the twins when you have them.
Does she work?

have you told her you expect to divorce her since she isn’t making effort to connect with you?


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Then divorce her. Expect to care for the twins when you have them.
> Does she work?
> 
> have you told her you expect to divorce her since she isn’t making effort to connect with you?


No she does not work, I'm the only one.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What does she say when you talked to her about the lack of intimacy? Is she happy with the state of the relationship? Does she tell you she loves you? Are you guys physical at all during a normal day?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hackle84 said:


> I started to look into all the issues, Self Esteem, Weight, body image, Hormones, age, Birth control. I was very patient, I did everything to reassure her that I loved her, and tried to work with her to rekindle what we had for that short window.


This paragraph stood out to me. You list some issues, but they are all to do with your wife. What's your role in this? Are you an attentive husband? Do you play an equal, hands on role with the children? Do you help around the house? Take the children out so your wife can have a break, or send her off for an afternoon out while you watch the kids?

I'm not saying you don't do those things, just asking the question. You both have a role to play in this.


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

Have you gotten a baby sitter and organized a date night for you two? Tell her how much she means to you and how thankful you are for her raising your kids all day? I know when you have kids, especially 5 and under, as a mom your whole world revolves around them. You talk to children all day. (Really let that sink in lol) And then when hubby comes home, your supposed to automatically turn into a bend and take me wife. Do u grab the spatula out of her hand while she’s cooking dinner, and tell her go relax in the bath and I will get dinner and the kids ready for bed. I’m telling you, when my husband does these kinds of things it sweeps me off my feet. And will do anything for him/with him.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

frusdil said:


> This paragraph stood out to me. You list some issues, but they are all to do with your wife. What's your role in this? Are you an attentive husband? Do you play an equal, hands on role with the children? Do you help around the house? Take the children out so your wife can have a break, or send her off for an afternoon out while you watch the kids?
> 
> I'm not saying you don't do those things, just asking the question. You both have a role to play in this.


So When I get home I usually send her off to go get out of the house to get away for a bit. I usually always cook dinner, yet get criticized for taking to long. the only night I do my thing is usually to do the weekly outside lawncare and upkeep. I always help with the kids, and share getting them ready for bed. I always try my best to help around the house to help with her stress levels, but its never up to her level. I do all the adult laundry, she does all the kids laundry. I take care of the pets, the cars, the bills. Ive asked always what more can I do, till i'm blue in the face.

I've given up most of my hobbies, I don't game, I rarely hunt, I don't hit the shooting range much anymore, I don't work on my vehicles more then just simple upkeep and repair, I don't read books anymore. I try my hardest to not bring any work home.

I travel twice a year our of town for work training, and always try to get her to come with me as a mini vacation to get away from the kids and spend time together, to which she always refuses.
planned date nights usually always turn into, She wants to go get groceries....

Our last little romantic weekend to go to the hot springs she always wanted to go to, turned into lets stay in the hotel and watch T.V. and no intimacy. Like I said I try my hardest to keep the "Love" there, but its rarely ever reciprocated. Rarely ever thanked.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

With twins at home, she might simply be too tired for all these adventures. Or she could be depressed.

The other option is she is not that into you anymore.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> With twins at home, she might simply be too tired for all these adventures. Or she could be depressed.
> 
> The other option is she is not that into you anymore.


lol agreed, sad part is she hasn't been into me since before the kids... don't really expect it to change much.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hackle84 said:


> lol agreed, sad part is she hasn't been into me since before the kids... don't really expect it to change much.


so yes, that's your answer. From what I see here on TAM, once sex goes down, it really takes a lot of work to bring it back to good old times. If at all. 
Maybe you should to 180. Do your part at home, and definitely with kids, but try to work on yourself independently from your wife. No begging for attention from her.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> so yes, that's your answer. From what I see here on TAM, once sex goes down, it really takes a lot of work to bring it back to good old times. If at all.
> Maybe you should to 180. Do your part at home, and definitely with kids, but try to work on yourself independently from your wife. No begging for attention from her.


See 2 years ago I told here I wasn't going to beg for her attention, or be the one to initiate anymore. I basically told her the ball is in her court, and I'll be over here when she's ready. She blew off the conversation as if it really wasn't a big deal. And it's been 2 years of more just ignoring. There was one time she was having a headache and wanted to have sex as it usually helps with her headaches. I turned her down by saying I'm not just here to be your "Pain reliever". I'm here to be your spouse not your tool to be used when you want. She was furious. And now always brings it up as a snip at me, that I dared turn her down.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

and here you are, two years later, and things are not better. Maybe it is time for a real conversation - how does she sees your future together?


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I think marriage is for the long term. Looking to divorce when things do not appear to be working is a cop out. You can go through relationship adjustments continuously but if you are both looking for the best you can make it in the long term. If a wife or husband is unfaithful that is something else but if each are faithful you have everything to aim for. You have to look at yourself as well as most men don't see their own faults and we all have them. I have a friend who is divorced and he has got to the stage that he even misses someone to argue with because of the loneliness he is in.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tony Conrad said:


> I think marriage is for the long term. Looking to divorce when things do not appear to be working is a cop out. You can go through relationship adjustments continuously but if you are both looking for the best you can make it in the long term. If a wife or husband is unfaithful that is something else but if each are faithful you have everything to aim for. You have to look at yourself as well as most men don't see their own faults and we all have them. I have a friend who is divorced and he has got to the stage that he even misses someone to argue with because of the loneliness he is in.


I just can't not reply to this.

I believe this advice is complete ********.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She isn't meeting your needs so quit meeting hers. Quit asking what more you can do and just do for you and your kids. Quit doing her laundry. Who wanted pets, you or her? If her, quit taking care of them. When she gets pissed, just tell her that your not meeting my needs so I am no longer meeting yours.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> Who wanted pets, you or her? If her, quit taking care of them.


OP, ignore this *ignorant* advice. I'm sure you have an IQ over 14 and _will _ignore it, but I had to post this anyway.

It's one thing for a poster to recommend that you stop doing her laundry or cooking her dinner, but it's quite another to advocate NEGLECTING your animals in order to get your point across.

Leave the innocent animals OUT of it.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, ignore this *ignorant* advice. I'm sure you have an IQ over 14 and _will _ignore it, but I had to post this anyway.
> 
> It's one thing for a poster to recommend that you stop doing her laundry or cooking her dinner, but it's quite another to advocate NEGLECTING your animals in order to get your point across.
> 
> Leave the innocent animals OUT of it.


Oh my goodness. Nobody it talking about neglecting animals. It's about seeing that there are consequences to one's actions. I liken it to when my sons were young and wanted a dog. They begged for a dog so I told them that we would get one if they promised to take care of him. Of course they promised to take care of him, and they did...for about two weeks. Then it was me reminding them every day, did you feed the dog; did you water the dog; did you walk the dog. They would moan and groan and finally take care of him. This went on for a month and it wasn't going to change so I found a good home for the dog and gave him away. Of course the boys went out of their minds. "How could you give our dog away?" I didn't like doing it but it was a teachable moment. You made a promise, you didn't keep it and this is the consequence. A couple of years later, we got another dog and they faithfully took care of him because they learned that there would be consequences to pay. They also learned that you don't break your word.

I imaging OP's wife made a vow to love him when they got married. She's not keeping that promise, so their should be consequences. If not, nothing will ever change.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hackle84 said:


> I don't even care about the amount of sex, it's the quality and intimacy. Feeling wanted and loved that I miss. I feel that if you have a good level of intimacy the sex is just the culmination of all of it.


In my opinion the notion of "what is love" changes over the term of a long term relationship and comes in many different forms. Sometimes love can be tough, harsh, and difficult to recognize. About the only thing constant about love is patience, and your wife is still there in the marriage.

So starting with that, one has to begin to explore and discover new forms of love available after the exciting ones expire from the honeymoon phase or what is sometimes called NRE (new relationship energy). They are often kind of like an acquired taste. 

An example of a form of love one might encounter later in a relationship would be sharing the uneasy parts about yourself so that your partner can truly know you AND help you grow. Perhaps you might have a fear of going to the doctor and discussing problems related to your family medical history that are now impacting you. A loving spouse that cares about you will not enable you to avoid the doctor but will instead make you uncomfortable until you confront your problems and do something about it. In the moment it will not make you feel wanted, and it might even make you feel like you are being rejected. But that is an example of one form of sincere love that is encountered later in a relationship.

Another form of love is just being happy with yourself and choosing to share that happiness with the one you are with. That one is fun!

Wishing you patience as you work through things. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

Sockittomewife said:


> Have you gotten a baby sitter and organized a date night for you two? Tell her how much she means to you and how thankful you are for her raising your kids all day? I know when you have kids, especially 5 and under, as a mom your whole world revolves around them. You talk to children all day. (Really let that sink in lol) And then when hubby comes home, your supposed to automatically turn into a bend and take me wife. Do u grab the spatula out of her hand while she’s cooking dinner, and tell her go relax in the bath and I will get dinner and the kids ready for bed. I’m telling you, when my husband does these kinds of things it sweeps me off my feet. And will do anything for him/with him.


I do this and it does 0 to make my wife any more intimate. Good ideas though. No guarantee it will work.


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

Hackle84 said:


> Background, married 15 years this year, we waited till marriage to have sex both of us at 21. Felt like we rushed our engagement some because we worried we would not be able to wait.
> 
> First year like most was great, averaged 4-5 times a week. Then we decided to try getting pregnant. the next 6 months were kind of fun just playing at it. Then it turned serious as things were not happening. Then it turned into a dreaded chore to attempt to get pregnant, the quality went down the intimacy of the act disappeared. We both started to resent it, and I almost felt like I was begging her to just have sex with me outside of her "Precious schedule". Thus I never want to hear the term "Ovulation schedule" ever again. After 7 years of very dismal chore sex to get pregnant, She wanted to divorce. We reconciled for a time.
> 
> ...


Do u know what your wife’s love language is? I know it is cliche but it’s a real thing! I would look into it


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## Sockittomewife (Nov 30, 2018)

Hackle84 said:


> So When I get home I usually send her off to go get out of the house to get away for a bit. I usually always cook dinner, yet get criticized for taking to long. the only night I do my thing is usually to do the weekly outside lawncare and upkeep. I always help with the kids, and share getting them ready for bed. I always try my best to help around the house to help with her stress levels, but its never up to her level. I do all the adult laundry, she does all the kids laundry. I take care of the pets, the cars, the bills. Ive asked always what more can I do, till i'm blue in the face.
> 
> I've given up most of my hobbies, I don't game, I rarely hunt, I don't hit the shooting range much anymore, I don't work on my vehicles more then just simple upkeep and repair, I don't read books anymore. I try my hardest to not bring any work home.
> 
> ...


Have u tried dominating her? LOL that’s literally the first thing that comes to mind when i read everything u said u do! My love languages, I would melt in my husband’s arms if he did all the things u said u do!


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

Sockittomewife said:


> Have u tried dominating her? LOL that’s literally the first thing that comes to mind when i read everything u said u do! My love languages, I would melt in my husband’s arms if he did all the things u said u do!


Problem is I'm very patient, but even I have my limits. I've read any and everything I can get my hands on. I've tried the whole love language theory. The last step we have is marriage counseling, but alas I feel that I've moved on and am quite over the relationship. You can only kick a dog to the side for so long that the dog up and leaves.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion the notion of "what is love" changes over the term of a long term relationship and comes in many different forms. Sometimes love can be tough, harsh, and difficult to recognize. About the only thing constant about love is patience, and your wife is still there in the marriage.
> 
> So starting with that, one has to begin to explore and discover new forms of love available after the exciting ones expire from the honeymoon phase or what is sometimes called NRE (new relationship energy). They are often kind of like an acquired taste.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing,

Call me wrong for thinking it but I have been the only one putting in the effort. I've been the one pulling the relationship cart for the past 5 years, while she rode in it. I worked to help her and carry the slack of a one sided relationship. 2 years ago I asked for help from her that maybe she could share some of the load, and help me pull it. She simply blew it off and wanted to keep enjoying the ride. She lost me emotionally 2 years ago when she refused to make any changes or see the destructive behavior of criticism and emotional abuse she lashes out with.

Ive been more then an equal partner in the struggle, and simply don't care to be in the relationship anymore. Having worked in different career fields in life I have seen how people do or don't change, They almost never do. She claims she wants to, but I have heard this same song and dance so many times I do not believe her anymore. I don't want my kids to grow to see how we resent each other, and I do believe we could have a very productive co-parenting relationship. 

Frankly to me it's a lot like a car. I have put enough time and money and mileage into this, and the car keeps breaking down. At one point you have to just walkaway from the car as it is the truly a lemon.

It would be different if in the last 15 years there had been any change on her part. She has not given up anything to make things work with me. I gave her the very thing she wanted in life and that was children. Once she had them she pushed me farther away, Thus I feel like a roommate/ATM. I know she loves me as the father of the kids, but I have not felt truly loved by her in so long, I can honestly say I don't love her either.

We have discussed divorce, and she keeps saying she wants to change. Then she financially jumps down the deep end again and breaks out another credit card and racks it up. I can't trust her.

Sorry for the rant.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hackle84 said:


> Frankly to me it's a lot like a car. I have put enough time and money and mileage into this, and the car keeps breaking down. At one point you have to just walkaway from the car as it is the truly a lemon.


A similar analogy for relationships is that the woman is a sailboat and the man her captain. Once you put that analogy out in the ocean to see if it floats, odds are the man needs to be able to sew and repair sails, do carpentry, electrical work, plumbing, and be an expert on weather forecasts in order to be an effective captain. Meanwhile the sailboat's job is to try and hold everything together in the event you make a mistake and sail her into some really rough seas or in a worse case scenario you run aground. 

There are three kinds of sailboat captains in life. Those that have not "yet" run aground. Those that have run aground. And those that lie about having never run aground. 

So back to your analogy of you driving a car, things breaking down and having to maintain it. Stop driving your sailboat over land and tearing it up! Get your butt out in the ocean and stop being afraid to actually go somewhere.

(the above is said playfully just to make you look at it from another perspective)

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know the score, OP.

Are you familiar with the term 'thermostat'? The relationship thermostat is determined by what you seek from the relationship. The one who seeks more or needs more is the 'hotter' partner, while the other is the 'cooler' partner.

I would advocate that you turn down the thermostat. 

Stop doing things for her. No foot rubs, no listening to her about her day, no giving of your time for her to decompress, no opening tight lids, no lifting of heavy objects. No initiating sex. The only exception is if it is for the kids. Still fulfill all of your parental obligations.

Also, be polite when you tell her no.

When she loses her **** on you, that is your opportunity to have a real conversation. 

"When you are ready to prioritize what is important to me through sustained action, I will be ready to do the same...and not one moment sooner."

"If you want more from me, you can start by doing more for me."

You will likely get anger. Shrug your shoulders, tell her you are sorry she feels that way, then go do something you want to do.

You are in effect showing her she is disposable as she is right now. Don't ever say that with words; say it with actions.

Oh, and all those hobbies you gave up? Pick them back up. Now. Today. She doesn't ever get to tell you that you can't do a hobby or activity when she is completely unwilling to contribute to the relationship. Even if she decides to contribute to the relationship, you still get your own time to spend it as you see fit. If she doesn't like it, tell her she knows where the door is.

If she never says anything to you about telling her no, then the relationship is for all intents and purposes over. 

Lastly...and most importantly...if a new woman were to meet you today, would you be 'interesting'? Are you fit? Happy? Well read? Interesting? If not, get that way. Make yourself someone who others would want to date. If it doesn't do it for your wife, you are setting yourself up for the future woman in your life.

I was exactly where you were when I came to this site in 2014. I will give you an example:

My wife wanted a horse. I spent about 5 hours building Fence for her horse in the summer heat. When I came in to the house after the work, parched and exhausted, her response was to berate me for the dishes not being cleared from the dishwasher yet. 

At that time, I was like you are now. I took it on the chin, buried my anger, and did what she asked. And...I hated myself for it.

If she did that now? She would received nothing from me for the next week without an apology, and likely 2-3 days even with it. No more of that. Ever.

That needs to be your mindset. No more. Not ever.

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> no opening tight lids


That's a harsh suggestion... yes, I kid. 
Your post is brilliant and I hope OP absorbs every word towards action.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Somewhat similar boat. My wife takes for granted she can say she wants/needs something, walk away and it gets done. Or that I proactively knock things out. Doesn’t matter that I’ve never done it before. Home projects, financial, automotive, house IT you name it. She is definitely riding in the cart and many days I wonder what am I getting out of this? I’m self sufficient outside of sex.

I would offer a couple things:

1) Women are NOT turned on by fawning for them once they know you’re committed unless they have self-esteem issues. Ester Perel discusses the dichotomy of the erotic vs the domestic. They are antithetical to each other. Not being domestic enough will turn off a woman, being too domestic will turn them off as well. For most women, sexual desire is something that requires a positive effort to increase, for men it’s just always there. To use another poster’s analogy... your sailboat is either always in the water or you have to make the effort to drive it down to the water. Two things heighten sexual desire from women: ovulation (hormonal) and danger/excitement of secrecy/something that’s not easily had (bad boy/instinct to mate). Beta males are NOT sexually attractive.

2) In my case, my wife has a terrible childhood family-wise so most days she is concerned more about creating the stable home she never had growing up. She wants a good dad 90% of the time, great husband 9% of the time and boyfriend wife categories.

3) It’s emotionally easier to bond with her kids than you. I flat out told my wife she displaced me with our kids. She gets to control the level of vulnerability, doesn’t have to hear/respond to criticism. They validate her existence and she gladly does everything for them. Understands and speak their love languages. They give her unconditional love. There’s no pressure as to performing as a mom (only from other mom’s). No baggage, a fresh start at a loving relationship. They don’t complain about what she’s not doing. She’s in control and is accountable to no one in that relationship. This will eventually blow up when they become teenagers and she tries to rebound with you. In my wife’s case, all her primary caregivers and boyfriends left/cheated relentlessly. Young kids won’t choose to leave you but your husband can. So guess which basket her eggs go in.

4) She’s in a great spot. Husband who carries her. Kids to bound to. She’s very comfortable and has no motivation to change. Why would she? Bills paid, kids have a good dad, no sex required. Her worries... he fact you have needs. In IC, I joked that my wife’s #1 need was that I didn’t have any.

Have you sought martial counseling? Some women are just “all-in” on being a mom at the expense of the marriage. I’m like you in that I think I do a lot of stuff hoping to have her notice and repay me which is the definition of a “covert contract” so you might wanna research that.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

aaarghdub said:


> Somewhat similar boat. My wife takes for granted she can say she wants/needs something, walk away and it gets done. Or that I proactively knock things out. Doesn’t matter that I’ve never done it before. Home projects, financial, automotive, house IT you name it. She is definitely riding in the cart and many days I wonder what am I getting out of this? I’m self sufficient outside of sex.
> 
> I would offer a couple things:
> 
> ...


I have to agree "I'm self sufficient outside of Sex" I take care of most things around the house that entails all the adult things that don't involve the child rearing. And help alot within the child rearing portions as well.

I can see where the kids have displaced me to some extent. She was always unhappy in our marriage for years, to the point where she wanted a divorce. I was blindsided, I knew we fought and didn't get along all that well. I was crushed. After that weekend she told me to come back home, and with that she said "I guess If I have to be with an Asshole, it might as well be the Asshole I know"

Ever since then I have struggled to not feel like I was settled for, I brought this up to her and she has continued to brush it off a "can we get over this now." But we really have not addressed what happened that weekend and how it affected us, or at least me.

Not long after that we were offered a chance to do IVF and have our kids. I think like most couples, we felt that kids would put us back together. We were very close for about a 6 months after the kids were born. To which I attribute the love and ecstasy of having new children in the home. We lucked out with my work being able to hav eus both in the home for most of the first few months to help out.

Then when all the ecstasy and hormones worn off, she distanced herself. We attempted to and had family help us get out of the house. We still struggled to balance our new family with our relationship. But almost every time we went on a date, it ended with her being critical of something I was doing, or not doing. Eventually our dates consisted of us going to dinner quickly and then going to get groceries, or diapers and supplies.

For the next 3 years we only got worse, and I just shutdown. When your told you do everything wrong all the time, you just stop doing anything. Which turned into, you don't try anymore. When I bring the subject up to her it was met with, well what have you done to earn or deserve anything. I feel like a kid and shes keeping a checklist of chores and items I have to accomplish everyday just to have even a kiss.

When I say she is critical of everything, I mean everything. I love to cook and if I don't have dinner started seconds after walking in the door from work, then I'm late. If I get out of work 5 mins late, or get caught in traffic, I apparently don't care about them. My mother, while visiting, watched her use a timer on her phone that she set to 25mins. It takes me on a good day with no traffic roughly 25 mins to get home, I got home that day at 28 mins. It was a 30min chew out session of how I don't care. I live in a constant state of walking on egg shells to get anything done. I do all the adult laundry, but I do it wrong... I clean do the dishes, but I take to long. I mow the lawn, but go the wrong direction. I change the oil in the car, but not exactly how her dad does it.

When we were first married I attributed most of it to just learning to live together, but it feels like she took it up as a full time job to ride my butt about everything. Every year I finally broach the subject that were not working out, to which I get the usual Speal of "She wants to try" dog and pony show, and lets me do anything I want from my hobbies to watching something I like. Then after 2-3 weeks she goes back to the old habits again.

2 years ago I told her that I was done trying to make an effort in our love life, or being the one to initiate sex. One because I was done begging to be intimate. Two because I wanted to shake her tree a little and see if anything changed. Sadly the same pattern emerged. Here I am now, and I expressed that I was done with our marriage. That I would rather be alone and co parent our kids, then deal with her criticism, and being downtrodden, being settled for, and never being seen as an equal.

She jumped right into the Wanting me to do everything I ever wanted, and buy what every I want, and how she wants to just waite on me hand and foot. The worst thing she said was, I know a good wife should just sleep with her husband to keep him happy no matter what. She's completly missing the point of true intimacy. To the point where it just feels so fake and not real. Shes just saying the same things shes always said. I don't trust her to change, as I've observed this behavior for 15 years, and don't really see her ever changing.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Hackle84 said:


> She was always unhappy in our marriage for years, to the point where she wanted a divorce. I was blindsided, I knew we fought and didn't get along all that well. I was crushed. After that weekend she told me to come back home, and with that she said "I guess If I have to be with an Asshole, it might as well be the Asshole I know"
> 
> Ever since then I have struggled to not feel like I was settled for,
> 
> ...


Read what I snipped of your total post. It's fairly clear she settled.

You know what they say. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Divorce and find someone who doesn't consider kisses a reward for chores and doesn't think of sex with you as an obligation.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Have you done marriage counseling yet?

WRT her comment about sleeping with a husband to keep him happy... This is true and not true at the same time. A lot of women think sex for a man was all about ejaculation like porn. Far from it. It’s the primary means of how we show and receive love. People usually gauge how their spouse really feels about them primarily through sex. If there’s apathy, no passion, holding back, or just a feeling of obligation there is little “eros” love and primarily “storge” or familial love. Not great long term. What fascinates men the most about porn is women (albeit substantially acting) show unadulterated passion for the guy. Realistic or not, the feeling to be desired like that is very real. Absent that, you feel like an appliance in your marriage.

The consequence is one partner will eventually start to emotionally disconnect (which you are doing). And TBH some people are fine with that disconnect provided it says hidden in the “sex box” and doesn’t effect anything else is their life or is disclosed to someone else. 


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