# When to stop asking questions?



## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danielfom (Sep 27, 2012)

Stop asking questions when you feel you know all you want to know.

If you still have more to know keep asking.

She needs IC.

This feeling sorry for is bullcrap from the sound of it. You don't open your legs for a guy solely because you feel sorry for him. 

She needs to get to heart of why she did it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It seems that she is spoon feeding you "trickle truth" and hasn't told you the whole truth, which YOU need to heal. 

From what you said, she admits nothing until you find something out, and then her explanation is rather lame. Does she not know that you can't heal until you know the whole truth, and that the "heavy lifting" should come from her?

Until you feel that you have the full truth, you will instinctively keep digging and the only time you will be able to stop is when you feel that you have the full truth.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I won't go into much detail, but I already read most text messages between my wife and person who she had affair with(our friend).She tells me every detail she can as well. I just feel like I need to know every single detail and it is driving me insane! I feel like there are more encounters, and "acts" that occurred than she claims. She is extremely remoursfull and has really tried to improve, but I can't get past constantly asking her. Should I stop asking? Is it even important at this point (1 month)? I can not trust her because everything I found out was found on my own by digging through backup text files, phone records, and exaggerating what I really knew, all to get her to confess. She finally admitted to having sex after a few days of this digging. *She says she ONLY did everything because she felt bad for the guy. i can't believe that and i mostly ask about that. *She has zero contact now. How do I move on, or am I right to keep digging for what really is just more detailed info of the big picture that I think I mostly have?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good that you don't believe that garbage. IMO, you keep digging until you are satisfied with all of the answers. The MO seems to be that the WS will continue to minimize the details to either 1) try not to hurt you further and/or 2) minimize the shame/embarrassment that the WS feels by rehashing all of the gory details. She needs to realize that it is YOUR TURN to be given all of the attention and time needed until you are able to put this pain behind you.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Thank you! It drives me insane that she doesn't just give a better reason. She was drunk all the times, but not a good excuse at all because of the whole emotional relationship they had. She said she loved him over and over in text. I don't get how she can expect me to believe her that it was because she felt bad for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Danielfom (Sep 27, 2012)

^ Because she wants to rugsweep.

Have you exposed?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If you don't want to post your story, that's fine. But I would suggest that if your friend has a wife or a GF, expose everything about the affair that you know and then try to work with this other person to compare notes and gather more evidence. Even if the OM has no lady in his life, you can at least make him feel some pain by exposing him to people of importance to him.


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## Robnovack (Sep 28, 2012)

You can turn it into a good thing if you have the nerve. Relationships and sex can be separated. She is looking for something you haven't given her or are holding back maybe you can explore it with her and give her what she needs you may be surprised to find out how accepting this about her can fortify your relationship and her respect for your understanding of the human condition. It can be complicated or it can be very simple. Don't let pride or ego get in the way help her have what she needs and she in turn will accept what you need.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Good that you don't believe that garbage. IMO, you keep digging until you are satisfied with all of the answers. The MO seems to be that the WS will continue to minimize the details to either 1) try not to hurt you further and/or 2) minimize the shame/embarrassment that the WS feels by rehashing all of the gory details. She needs to realize that it is YOUR TURN to be given all of the attention and time needed until you are able to put this pain behind you.


Your dead on about what she said. She said the reason she minimized it at first was to not hurt me. So the next day I find out the affair was 4 times longer than she said, and again she said it was to not hurt me more. Then the next day I find out they had sex, and she says she was scared I'd leave and that she was going I tell me. She went into my email and deleted am email I had that contained the backup file of text, and she denied this until I told her I was going to get it recovered through gmail support. She texted the other guy the morning after I found out to say it was only a 1 month thing and If I ask say that, and again she said it was till she could tell me everything herself. After all if this she says she is done lying and she can't see my logic that I seriously have no trust, and that she is just trying not to hurt me more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Robnovack said:


> You can turn it into a good thing if you have the nerve. Relationships and sex can be separated. She is looking for something you haven't given her or are holding back maybe you can explore it with her and give her what she needs you may be surprised to find out how accepting this about her can fortify your relationship and her respect for your understanding of the human condition. It can be complicated or it can be very simple. Don't let pride or ego get in the way help her have what she needs and she in turn will accept what you need.


I was always the one asking and trying to do more, she would always be holding back. We were very far from a sexless marriage.

And I did expose her to her entire family within 2 days. I felt she would keep minimizing it if I did not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Man, there is something she really doesn't want you to find out.

Other things to do at this point:
Get an STD test
Make her get one too
Condoms until the results come back
No more drinking for her unless you are with her
See who gives polygraph tests in your area, come up with a list of yes no questions and have them ask her.
I would also suggest a pregnancy test. Something just smells fishy here.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Tread carefully mate, that last thing you said is creepy. Wayyyy too many coincidences. I hate the number of 'coincidences' that come up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

If she has nothing on you a decent divorce lawyer will be all over that, you'll be in a good court position, when it all goes horribly wrong. That's proper cruel texting him to say it was only a month. Really ****ing cruel. I wouldn't bother asking anymore questions. He's lucky he's still walking, you that must make you angry??!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I brought up the poly earlier today, she said that that is just crazy and she doesn't know if she do it. That pretty much made me lose it. 

I won't go into detail, but it's impossible for her to be pregnant.

I just feel like there is something else. Not big, just more to it. Do you guys know a way to talk her into telling me more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> If she has nothing on you a decent divorce lawyer will be all over that, you'll be in a good court position, when it all goes horribly wrong. That's proper cruel texting him to say it was only a month. Really ****ing cruel. I wouldn't bother asking anymore questions. He's lucky he's still walking, you that must make you angry??!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I may have handled the encounter wrong, but he felt my anger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Are you normally this paranoid about things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

No you handled it right, bigger man to not resort to burying him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

BeenHurt said:


> Are you normally this paranoid about things?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope never. That's why I think it was so easy for this to happen because I never worried or thought about it. This has ruined me really, and now I am very paranoid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me ask you this. Assume the worst. Now what do you do? What do you want to do? What will move your life forward if the "worst" happened?

You see, with everything (evidence) gone, you only have her word. And she lies. And she will continue to lie and deny. So, are you willing to "settle" for things as they are? Are you willing to end the marriage? Does she have a full understanding of the seriousness of all of this?


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I guess even as bad as I could imagine I would try. Honestly I just don't know what I want to do. It's such s rollercoaster of emotions, but mostly anger. I haven't really broke down yet. It's just the not knowing that kills me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This would bother me a lot. things happening.....and also at critically relevant moments. 

Have you chronicled your story here. It would help as experienced posters would provide you with what might have happened and what her motives and feelings might have been between the gaps of what you saw. 

One month after DDay is very short time IMO and I think also ITO of others here. Personally, I have spent time trying to piece together what happened in between the gaps of evidence. Some people out there may disagree, but I have found it very healing.....and I am sure, very helpful in thwarting any replays of inappropriate relationships between my fiancé and other women.

But what matters a lot, IF you choose to say with her, is what she thinks. If she is not sympathetic to your emotional needs right now, you need to seriously reconsider the relationship.....and as others have stated, given the untimely damage of your computer and personal property, well, you should really give some serious thought here.......


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I was always the one asking and trying to do more, she would always be holding back. We were very far from a sexless marriage.
> 
> And I did expose her to her entire family within 2 days. I felt she would keep minimizing it if I did not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can so relate. 

I am really annoyed with counselors who suggest the BS wasn't giving enough or was doing something negative or withholding in the marriage. It is really condescending and also re-truamatizes the injured spouse. 

IMO, many times cheaters are seriously flawed and damaged people. They can be in a very good and strong marriage with a loyal good person and still cheat. 

If they have personality disorder, they are hopeless and will likely cheat again. A personality disorder like borderline or narcism is really only manageable, not curable.

Also people with personality disorders can be extremely charming. They know all the right things to say whether or not they mean it or will follow through. 

They also are capable of lying very easily and convincingly. 

Most con men have a personality disorder such as pathological narcissim


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife is not doing herself any favors by trying to have all of the evidence destroyed along with the text to the OM to lie to you about the affair. I think right now your only real option is to file for divorce and have her served with the papers. Then tell her that I'm divorcing you right now UNLESS...you commit to a true recovery and TELL ME EVERYTHING!!! Also, I'd tell her that if you even THINK she is withholding the truth in any way that the conversation is over and divorce is coming.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You stop asking questions when you're satisfied with the answers. You'll know this has happened because you won't have the urge to ask the questions when you're there.

I think a huge problem for you is that you know you are still being lied to. Such as her saying she only had sex because she felt sorry for the guy... So she's claiming she chose to cheat and give him pitty sex? 

I don't believe it, you don't believe it. And that's why you continue to ask, because you haven't got answers you believe.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I brought up the poly earlier today, she said that that is just crazy and she doesn't know if she do it. That pretty much made me lose it.
> 
> I won't go into detail, but it's impossible for her to be pregnant.
> 
> ...


Insist on the Poly. 

Her reaction is suspicious.

She should be willing to do anything it takes to make you feel comfortable going forward. 

Many expert counselors on infidelity insist on the cheater doing a poly and installing a tracker on their car and phone. 

Most cheaters will balk, but if they want to save their marriage, they better comply.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to demand a poly or it's a D.

You're wife is a serial liar, who has no qualms about lying, denying, or manipulating.

It's no wonder you don't trust her - she has shown through her many actions that she cannot be trusted.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> Nope never. That's why I think it was so easy for this to happen because I never worried or thought about it. This has ruined me really, and now I am very paranoid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I hear this from a lot of betrayed spouses. 

I was also a very trusting person, to the point of being naive, obviously. 

I was never paranoid, and I gave my spouse way too much freedom with Boy's nights out, men's trips, etc that he later used to cheat. 

The OW also had a naively trusting husband who let her go on girl's nights out and girl's trips. She too used those to cheat while he sat home and baby sat their four kids.

After dday I was so suspicious and distrustful. 

I think that is normal. 

And, I also think that cheater target trusting people to marry.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> Thank you! It drives me insane that she doesn't just give a better reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I feel your pain man. I had the exact say thoughts you had. Why? Why did she do this? I discovered the answer to my wife's why, but it took 3 months to get the real reason. I got several reasons in the first few months. Of course the first "why" was she wasn't getting enough from me... Blameshifting. Then she was stressed and needed an escape. Then it was something else. Bottom line is it often takes a while to get to the real why because the WS is often still in the "fog". 

Trust me on this. The why will come out in due time(if your wife wants to R). I know from personal experience that the why seems to be the most important thing in the early going for most BS's. I know you feel like you need to figure it out so that you can understand the situation better. But the truth is, the why isn't as important(in the beginning) as finding out the entire scope of what has occurred. You will be far better served by digging for the truth at this point. Only after you believe you know what happened can the two of you start to figure out why she stepped out. 

Hang in there man. Just keep digging, the truth is just under the surface. Be strong and take care of yourself.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Robnovack said:


> You can turn it into a good thing if you have the nerve. Relationships and sex can be separated. She is looking for something you haven't given her or are holding back maybe you can explore it with her and give her what she needs you may be surprised to find out how accepting this about her can fortify your relationship and her respect for your understanding of the human condition. It can be complicated or it can be very simple. Don't let pride or ego get in the way help her have what she needs and she in turn will accept what you need.


She needs to have sex with another man and tell the other man she loves him. that's what she needs. Dont let your ego get in the way.

Really?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


File now. Your lawyer can get a court order served on the mail provider to retrieve the deleted emails if that's what you need for evidence.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Triedhard,

If there is a hard drive left on her computer, there is a good chance that just about any file can be recovered. If the computer is not working, take out the hard drive and take it to a professional. It may be expensive, but it would be worth it to me. 

If the computer is working, there is recovery software that can find deleted e-mails or other files. Trust me, I know because I had to use them myself to find my evidence.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Triedhard,
> 
> If there is a hard drive left on her computer, there is a good chance that just about any file can be recovered. If the computer is not working, take out the hard drive and take it to a professional. It may be expensive, but it would be worth it to me.
> 
> If the computer is working, there is recovery software that can find deleted e-mails or other files. Trust me, I know because I had to use them myself to find my evidence.


Hi Bad memory. 

Would the hard drive apply to web based emails?

I did send the computer to a pro. It cost me $500 , but they weren't able to recover the web based emails. 

Is his true, or was I hose by an inept self-proclaimed computer data recovery company?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sara 8,

Web based e-mails would be a different story. Unfortunately, they're not usually stored on a hard drive. In my case I recovered Facebook messages that were copied to my wife's Outlook e-mail program.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> Do you guys know a way to talk her into telling me more?


I don't think there is. Based on her pattern she's only going to tell you what you already know or are on the verge of finding out. 

I agree with the premise you have to assume the worst and then decide if you're prepared to continue in the marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this is basically an issue of power.

Your wife had a secret from her 'naive,' trusting husband & she was in control, she was in the driver's seat. She had power over two men who she was sleeping with & she controlled the flow of information.

Now you find out and the playing field completely shifts. She doesn't like having lost her power in this. Forget the issue of 'not wanting to hurt you.' She doesn't want the raw truth of who she really is - a cheating, deceitful person - to be the truth that other people see. She doesn't even want to see herself that way. And you now control this with the information you have. There's certainly more to know & she will fight to keep her hands on whatever else there is. 

But it's not a question of her wanting to shield you from the hurt. She wants to shield herself and her reputation and sense of self. Without the power and control, she can't do that.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wow - as other posters have said there is absolutely something she DOES NOT want you to find out.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

May be she had more than one OM, May be the extent of their hook up was more than what you could imagine, may be she was doing some threesome, may be was having previous A which she may have written to OM or communicated.

possibility of Many things.

Sit her down and tell her you are giving her the last chance to come clean and ask her to tell everything.Then ask her to back up it with a polygraph.

Any way she is hiding a lot and she wont reveal it to you voluntarily.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Hi Bad memory.
> 
> Would the hard drive apply to web based emails?
> 
> ...



Web-based emails are stored on the email provider's server/computer. Most of these providers, like yahoo, gmail, hotmail, store emails for quite a while -- yes, even the deleted ones (so I'm told). Your lawyer can get these by getting a court order request served on the provider. It'll cost some moolah.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Sara 8,
> 
> Web based e-mails would be a different story. Unfortunately, they're not usually stored on a hard drive. In my case I recovered Facebook messages that were copied to my wife's Outlook e-mail program.


Thank you for the info.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

aug said:


> Web-based emails are stored on the email provider's server/computer. Most of these providers, like yahoo, gmail, hotmail, store emails for quite a while -- yes, even the deleted ones (so I'm told). Your lawyer can get these by getting a court order request served on the provider. It'll cost some moolah.


Thank you. 

I will ask the attorney if it would be worth the cost.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Triedhard:
Not trying to augment your pain but, did she confess on D day of her own guilt or was she somehow forced to due to fear of pending disclosure by someone else?

If it was guilt-generated confession then you should continue to discover everything. She has to know that you MUST know you'll forgive ONCE. So if more is discovered then all bets are off. 

OTOH if she was forced to disclose, then you really can't be certain that the affair is continuing or is on temporary hold while things cool down. 

Rest, eat properly, do mental exercises, think clearly, act cautiously.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Triedhard:
> Not trying to augment your pain but, did she confess on D day of her own guilt or was she somehow forced to due to fear of pending disclosure by someone else?
> 
> If it was guilt-generated confession then you should continue to discover everything. She has to know that you MUST know you'll forgive ONCE. So if more is discovered then all bets are off.
> ...


I found out because I had access to the guys phone for a random reason. I read every text between them for a week, then called her. It was the worst feeling in the world.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I will ask the attorney if it would be worth the cost.


After 9/11 Europe and USA agreed to force cell company´s
to to keep all SMS and Phone record´s for 2years
and email provider´s

So Yes you can get them back..But it probably cost a lost.

Also if you have the hard drive left.And its not totally trashed.

Just hook it up in another computer..There are always log files 
for almost every thing, stored


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> I found out because I had access to the guys phone for a random reason. I read every text between them for a week, then called her. It was the worst feeling in the world.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you're absolutely convinced the affair is over? Because from your descriptions of her actions, I wouldn't be - but then I don't know your situation or her character (and evidently you don't know her character as well as you thought you did). 

I would insist on her agreeing to take a poly if things are to continue to move forward b/c at this point I'm not convinced it's over (her and her OM - not sure about you and W)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> But if its to the point that I just can't get more information then do I just accept that? If she won't say anything else I can't make her. The files are gone, her phone got "lost", our computer was broken by her family member. Any physical evidence is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What the heck ?? Now wonder you feel so paranoid. She is hiding something big. And you cannot trust her to tell you. She will never confess. Discuss separation with her. This limbo will be hell and will eat away at your soul


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> Your dead on about what she said. She said the reason she minimized it at first was to not hurt me. So the next day I find out the affair was 4 times longer than she said, and again she said it was to not hurt me more. Then the next day I find out they had sex, and she says she was scared I'd leave and that she was going I tell me. She went into my email and deleted am email I had that contained the backup file of text, and she denied this until I told her I was going to get it recovered through gmail support. She texted the other guy the morning after I found out to say it was only a 1 month thing and If I ask say that, and again she said it was till she could tell me everything herself. After all if this she says she is done lying and she can't see my logic that I seriously have no trust, and that she is just trying not to hurt me more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What the hell man, how you plan to spend the rest of your life with this conniving, untrustful, lying cheat of a wife? I wouldn't even have a friend who could do something like this. This is way beyond just cheating


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was the OM ? Seems like she lied at every chance she had. Was there a moment of honesty during the whole thing?(other than fake apologizing. They mean nothing without the actions)

Why did you decide to reconcile ? Do you have kids ? Does she depend on you financially ?

Make the polygraph thing an ultimatum. tell her that you don't trust her at all. And it is her lies that is destroying the marriage. Look at the posts of a user called "decimated". Your wife actions looks similar to his. He was in hell for one more year after the d-day when he finally made the decision to divorce her.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Who was the OM ? Seems like she lied at every chance she had. Was there a moment of honesty during the whole thing?(other than fake apologizing. They mean nothing without the actions)
> 
> Why did you decide to reconcile ? Do you have kids ? Does she depend on you financially ?
> 
> Make the polygraph thing an ultimatum. tell her that you don't trust her at all. And it is her lies that is destroying the marriage. Look at the posts of a user called "decimated". Your wife actions looks similar to his. He was in hell for one more year after the d-day when he finally made the decision to divorce her.


The only moment of honesty was that they had sex but I guilted her into telling me really. 
I still don't know what to do, but for now I figured to try? Idk... Yes we have one kid together, and yes I am the sole provider. She has no credit, or even experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get her to find a job now. Too much free time on her hands. Also, if she has a job, your financial support of her should be minimal (if any) after the divorce.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

For now, keep a copy of all your evidence away from the house, somewhere offsite and safe. 

Get her off the joint bank accounts and credit cards. 

Change your will. Remove her as beneficiary.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

A little background. This "friend" had once, years ago, told her he liked her. She told me right away and we didn't speak to him for about 2 years, but time passed and well we became friends again. Now fast forward a few months ago and he moves very near us. She says he told her a few months ago that he liked her and she ignored it. She said she didn't tell me because she knew I would flip out and with him living so close it would be difficult. I started to work 50-80 hours a week. That's when the texting started and he would tell her things to try to get her to come around to liking him. For example, he would say I don't think he loves you, she would say that's not true and he would say well I don't know, sounding as if I had done something. He would say all I cared about was work ( sorry fit supporting my family ), but definitely not at all what I only cared about. She must have liked the attention, but she still claims it was only because she felt bad for him... I don't think she would have done this if she hasn't been exposed to this type if talk daily from him. I do not in any way excuse her since what kind of woman wouldn't stand up for her husband and tell the guy to F off. He is very manipulative, but she has proven to be so too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

aug said:


> Get her to find a job now. Too much free time on her hands. Also, if she has a job, your financial support of her should be minimal (if any) after the divorce.


She knows she has to and I have witnessed her applying to every place possible. She doesn't deserve to be a housewife/mom if she can't control herself. You would think shed be proud of her young husband who managed to work hard and earn twice as much as most guys my age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old are you guys ? 


And have you exposed this guy ?



And did she say that they sex only once ?(based on her claim that she felt bad for him. What is she ? Someone who donates sex as charity ?). Hope it wasn't in the martial bed either...

She definitely did not come clean to you. Can sense a lot of lies on her part. She will have the same excse the next time you find out some more. "Out of fear of hurting you more"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

One more question: Why did she feel the need to delete all the evidence you had and deny it ? have you asked her? I hope you keylogged the new home computer


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Late 20's, and yes I know it sounds immature. 

Not him to his family. If everyone knew it wouldn't really affect him much. Knowing now what kind of person he is, he would probably brag about it. 

She said 3 seperate times. He said 3, but doesn't remember when he was really drunk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> One more question: Why did she feel the need to delete all the evidence you had and deny it ? have you asked her? I hope you keylogged the new home computer


She deleted the email. She claims she lost her phone, her father broke our computer. She went to stay with them a few days and she left it there because we had planned for her to go back. When my mother in law was telling my father in law about me wanting to check computer, he broke and threw it away. Only computer is my work laptop so no worry there. She is back to her old iPhone that I keep tabs on and check on, and she's deleted all social networking sites, but I checked all before she deleted them.
She said she took the computer to restore her phone. Looking back I have zero idea why I let her take it. All our my daughters baby pictures are gone now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Don't want to gross you out OP but in many of these affairs (but not exclusively) they indulge in unprotected sex, and they very often go much further than they do with their faithful spouses. Anal, BJ's multi partners etc.
As semen resides in the vagina for 5 days or so, unless you and your wife were sexless during her affair it is likely that you were 'second' on many occasions, and did you give oral? yuck!

One really classy WW would get bonked senseless by her AP and then go home and get her hubby to do oral.

Sorry for that but I thought it might be worth considering for you when she apologises and tries to minimise what happened.

I wonder if the 'thing that is missing' is something along those lines? And why the computer was broken etc.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hay man, I just breezed thru your thread, and to cap on your title " When to stop asking questios".........

I can only tell you from my own experience and the 2-1/2 years of a very decent R.

I kept asking, and my old lady kept answering, sure I got the " we talked about this before" bull crap but when we were going thru this sh!t it....it was under *my term* and I also held her to the fact that "she would do anything to stay" so I asked her to answer again and told here why.

My point is there is no time frame here, that part of the consequences she had to face that told me she was really going to do the heavy lifting.

Sure you can't make your WW tell you anything but the same goes for her, she can stay silent and you won't heal and in time you will bail and she loses her marriage.

She has the choice stay silent and walk away from the consequence of dealing with your pain or open up, lay it all out and except the consequence of you still leaving.

The point is excepting the consequence for her crap and taking it.....maybe if she's lucky you will keep her. But at the end of the day her current behavior has no chance to R. At least she has a chance to R if she comes clean.

My old lady took the risk and here I am keeping her around for maybe another 20 years of marriage.

If you don't know, my chick banged alot of guys for a very long time, and I think that cuz I didn't force the issue and make her face this consequens of spilling her guts , she continued. Don't make the same mistake I made 15 some odd years ago when this all started


I personaly have to tell you that its time for no more secrets or time to move on with out her.

Be prepared cuz this crap ain't pretty and as hard as it was for me to sit there and listen it really gave me a good handle on what I was going to forgive her for. 

So all the ugly details really gave me a perspective on what my fWW is and what her needs are. Your WW is still lying to her self and until she can be honest with what she really is and be honest with what her real wants are, then how can you itch those scratches she has in the future? 

Her behavior reaks of "repeat behavior" someone who isn't willing to learn or understand what she needs.

She could be doing her self a big favor by opening up, but are you willing to see that side of your wife and take care of it? Again this crap is not easy listening and will tear you apart. I guess in my case I was already in complete pieces so there was nothing left but to hear about the sh!t that was done to her and what she let happen to her. 

At the end of the day it helped both of us and I hope your chick can see that she needs to be open with the one person she should be open with and own her behaviors no matter what the out come is.

If she's not talken then you should be walken. No more secret brother, she will go a few years and bamb you both will be dealing with this crap again. Trust me me! My old lady did plenty of sweeping this under the rug and it got us no were but more pain for both of us as she kept screwing around, being used by man after man, as I with drew more and more.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> She deleted the email. She claims she lost her phone, her father broke our computer. She went to stay with them a few days and she left it there because we had planned for her to go back. When my mother in law was telling my father in law about me wanting to check computer, he broke and threw it away.
> Looking back I have zero idea why I let her take it. All our my daughters baby pictures are gone now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jeepers they sound like a wonderful family, I would have absolutely nothing to do with them, you will obviously get no assistance from them.
All this losing things, deleting and destroying computers is very very suspicious to me.
Are you absolutely sure your daughter is biologically yours?

3 times, really!! they have got there story together I'm afraid.

Would he brag so much if you dumped her and her bags on his doorstep?

And, in answer to the title of your thread, not yet oh no not yet by a long chalk.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you have the broken computer you might want to try a ploy. Tell her you've an IT workmate that can restore the drive and will retrieve the data in a week. So she has one last chance to come clean. 

That'll give her a week to fret and worry if in fact there's more to it than what she has admitted to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm sure the baby pictures are saved. while her folks do damage control they know what they are doing , thats why she went to them.
Just another reason why your chic has intittlement issues....its her up bringing.

Daddy and mommy will always take care of it...no matter what she does and who she does it with.

Maybe this answers some of the "why" questions for her behavior?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Beyond full disclosure you guys are not going to start recvovering unless your wife start owning her stuff. Gooh Lord. She had an ongoing EA because hshe felt bad for him? She f0cked him three times becuase she felt bad for him?
Tell her to stop the nonsense, she's not a little girl.
Unless she tart accepting at her core and admiting to you what was really going on in her head ther's no possible healing. No chance in hell.
Once she owns it she can then reject it.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I really want to thank everyone for the responses. It's hard to hear, but it just feels so much better to get thoughts out. I can't explain how helpfull this site has been throughout this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

It's the start of a lot worse, stay strong man, it gets a lot better when you make that a priority above all else!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Post the OM on cheaterville.com and anonymously let any joint friends you have know about him on there, for bonus points send and anonymous link to it to his mother and boss if you can.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I wonder if dear old dad found some nude pictures or something. Or could he really be that much of an enabler? 

Losing all the baby pictures. That's tough. Hope she's happy.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

triedhard111 said:


> She deleted the email. She claims she lost her phone, her father broke our computer. She went to stay with them a few days and she left it there because we had planned for her to go back. When my mother in law was telling my father in law about me wanting to check computer, he broke and threw it away. Only computer is my work laptop so no worry there. She is back to her old iPhone that I keep tabs on and check on, and she's deleted all social networking sites, but I checked all before she deleted them.
> She said she took the computer to restore her phone. Looking back I have zero idea why I let her take it. All our my daughters baby pictures are gone now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Someone is lying through this whole thing. Is the computer completely lost or is it just broken ? If you can find the harddrive, you can recover the data. Any chance she hid the laptop at her parents house or she did the throwing away herself ? have you confronted the FIL about this ? Something doesnt sound right in this story


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are in false R. You will see this one day and may god give you the strength to walk away from a disrespectful and cheating wife you have.

If you want to R then get ready to loose her.

Get your balls back and Let her go........


Detach, detach and detach from her, do the 180 on her and man up, man up, man up

She will come back on her knees.then you can decide whether you want to be with her or not.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Dude, there is no time limit on questions, trust me. And besides the time is measured in YEARS after complete honesty. As far as I can tell you haven't started yet.
Follow the advice of the people on this forum they know how it works. Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow! What a family you married into! She just gave you a free ticket to move on. You should take it.

If you dont, that's okay. She'll give you another one eventually. This type of behavior from her family and her is deep within her. Dont waste decades of your life trying to change her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

sandc said:


> I wonder if dear old dad found some nude pictures or something. Or could he really be that much of an enabler?
> 
> Losing all the baby pictures. That's tough. Hope she's happy.


Maybe dear old Dad found something and does not want his daughter to end up divorced and living with Mom and Dad again with a baby........


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> Maybe dear old Dad found something and does not want his daughter to end up divorced and living with Mom and Dad again with a baby........


Good chance of that. But it's definitely... something. A sensible adult does not just destroy and throw away a computer solely because there are some racy, flirtatious emails on it.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Well he was drinking at the time, and they know as little as people could know about computers. Part of me thinks they just hid it away, and I would believe they'd do that. They think I should just move forward with her and not dwell on it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

triedhard111 said:


> Well he was drinking at the time, and they know as little as people could know about computers. Part of me thinks they just hid it away, and I would believe they'd do that. They think I should just move forward with her and not dwell on it...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is not something I would just forward about. When people say that, they usually have a reason and it's not a good one.

What is on the computer? 

I think you have to press the issue and find out for good or ill.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Malaise said:


> This is not something I would just forward about. When people say that, they usually have a reason and it's not a good one.
> 
> What is on the computer?
> 
> I think you have to press the issue and find out for good or ill.


The iPhone backup files were on it. That's how I was reading all the text after I had initially read them on the phone. I only got thru about a quarter of it though. I emailed myself the file, but she deleted that email so I couldn't look at it. She says she did it because it was just making me more and more mad reading it over and over. Only helping her is the quarter of stuff I read Is actually way more tame then what I had read on the phone the night I found out. I didn't tell her that, and it sorta matches what she told me, that the text content intensified the last week or two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Idk last night I lost it. I told her I was not going home and it was over and that I know it all now. I said that and I know she believed me. She was not mad she was just crying and so scared and she said she didn't know what to say, that she really doesn't know what else to say because she told me everything that had happened. It felt so genuine compared to the other times, but I may be naive. She is trying so hard and tells me what I ask... Maybe she is telling me everything. It matches what the OM told me. I don't see it being likely she told him every detail to every question I could ask. So many details that matched. Only difference was that he threw in, "but I don't know what happened when I was real drunk", but he doesn't want us together and could've said that to screw with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Try I posted on a wrong thread but tell FIL thanks for ruining my M by destroying the computer but your wife too by "losing" the phone


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## 30yrsago (Oct 2, 2012)

Tried,

What do you want the estreme details.

I got mine from moment of penetration to ejaculation without condom and oral.

How will use process this in hate/reconcilation can you even process the truth.

Many men cannot process it.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Shaggy make a good point above. You will only stop asking questions when you feel comfortable and convinced that they individually have been answered TRUTHFULLY. And that, from your comments appears not to be happening. Its natural for the hurt party to ask these questions and when answered you will compare that answer to any previous reply. If you hear/find certain discrepancies then you have a right to recover this ground and continue to do this until your are clear in your own mind the what you are hearing is in fact the truth. When you are getting trickle truth answers you will see these certain discrepancies appear and these feed your concerns (I say concerns as its not paranoia). You need to convey this as well because it will continue to be in your partners mind that if your not happy you will be keeping asking until you are. Some see this asking as a form of punishment, the cheat has to continually cover their offense, but it can be a self punishment as well. So care here. If you feel that her continued changing of the story is happening you can wll assume there is a certain level of lying going on, even if she says shes done it to protect you (that always a good one and is complete cr*p).


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

Well I pushed and told her the appointment for the poly was in the morning, and if she would do it that maybe we could work on it or if she didn't go that it was over for sure. She called my MIL and had her pick my daughter up then broke down crying and said she can't lie anymore. 

What she told me was it was about 2 months longer than I thought. 

That it wasn't just that she felt bad for him, but that she did feel like she liked him and did many times think she might love him. 

I found out more about the physical contact and what was said in phone calls. 

After all this, when i asked her if she was willing to go to the poly still she agreed, and for the first time she didn't get mad when I asked. I don't think I want to do the poly though. I feel like I trust her for the first time since this happened. I said I would try, but obviouy she needs to try much harder. I told about some things that happened before our marriage with other girls that she had always thought about. I won't agree that we will stay together no matter what. She read that this is the first step to working on it, but I don't see how that will help. I explained that it's like a boss telling anemployee that no matter what they would never fire that employee. Anyways, just an update to show that I wasn't completely crazy and that there was a lot more to find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Tried, at least you have some answers. You may want to keep the poly on, you never know what else she may decide to come clean about right up to the last minute. I'm not convinced that polys are all that accurate, but they can serve as a useful catalyst to get information if you are wanting to use it in that manner. Your call.

Good luck
WD


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

She was so angry before about the poly, now she just said she agrees and will go because she doesn't have anything else to left to lie about. I didn't actually make the appointment, it was a bluff that seemed to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make the appointment and go. You need to do it because you said you wanted it, so you need to follow through, it will show her you are trying to deal with the affair and it will show her you mean what you say.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Make the appointment and go. You need to do it because you said you wanted it, so you need to follow through, it will show her you are trying to deal with the affair and it will show her you mean what you say.


:iagree:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Make the appointment and go. You need to do it because you said you wanted it, so you need to follow through, it will show her you are trying to deal with the affair and it will show her you mean what you say.


She will respect you for following through!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Yeah, follow throuh if you want even I suspect she finnaly spilled the last bean. The change from angry to relieved is very telling. No more secrets/burdens.


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## triedhard111 (Sep 24, 2012)

I hope holding off on it won't have negative effects. I think that she is showing lots if respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

See, she was lying. Did she ask her dad to lose the computer and her phone. Get the truth about them too.

Go ahead with the poly if you can afford it. 

So, what did you decide? Do the new revelations change anything?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jeez you have gone this far just get the poly:iagree: Good luck with whatever you decide.


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