# housework and other duties



## wolfbarkley (Jun 8, 2011)

Hello all,

I'm just looking for some objective answers and perhaps some cosntructive critizism if needed.

Me and my spouse have been together for around 4 years and we have 2 children (3 years, and 6months)

Lately we have been bickering abou almost eveything...our sex life is really good..but my wife tends to want to spend money on frivelious items (ie. concerts for kids, toys and tys, etc..) She basically always wants to buy items for our kids hat are unnecesssary. I make a good income and we do have close to $1,000 of disposable income per month after bills, expeses, fod, etc...however we usally always spend it on luxary items or going out...and I want to start saving.investing our extra money...etc..


We have had our ups and downs like any other relationship, but Im looking to see if what we are going thru is normal . 

and also Do you think our housework/taking care of kids is evenly shared?

Firsly, I love my wife, I work full time and she is a stay at home Mom. However I have and still do the cooking when Im at home, During the week i cook the dinners and on weekends do pretty much all the cookign, baking ,etc... (I am a good cook, maint the reason), . I also do all the dishes, taking out garbage, housecleaningm etc..

We have agreed that because my Wife takes care of the kids, she only does the laundry.
I had no objections to this as I love my wife alot, but lately and from my Friends, I am under the impression that I am doing a greater share of the work? I love my wife and would walk to the end of the world for her, but wondering if there is a flip side to this coin?

It just seems like we have compltely different views lately and am needing advice on how to approch the situation?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I was ready to be blunt except you threw in the line "sex is really good". Your wife is really spoiled but taking away her toys without a good strategy has the potential to really cause some chaos. As far as how to stop doing so much or how to take back the money she's used to....I've got nothing.

I have this saying that says start as you mean to go. Meaning don't start something unless you are willing to get stuck doing it forever. For example had you not given her that money to start with it you wouldn't be in a bind. Hard to take something away once they've gotten used to it.

I wish you well. This is a tough one.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

She should not be unemployed, yet still have you doing all that work. You are being too nice. What is she contributing?

When I was not working, I had a good meal ready every night and kept the place clean. My husband does the laundry and groceries, only because I don't drive. 

Marriage is about give and take!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Given the choice between hustling around after a 3 year old and a 6 month old for 16 hrs or spending an hour in the kitchen, I'd pick up a spoon. If you cook and your wife is content, you know what's in the chow. If she feels compelled to cook against her will, would you really want to eat it? I want whomever has direct access to my gastro-intestinal tract to be alert, attentive, and blissfully content.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Speaking from experience, you had better watch doing too much house work, even if she seems to want you to. It might cause her to lose attraction for you down the line. No, I don't understand it either; that is why I say, relationships are waaaay too complicated.:scratchhead:


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

you are doing WAY too much and she is spoiled....very soon you will be doing the laundry also....what exactly is she doing all day long??....im assuming the 6 year old is off to school and the baby must nap during the day....so that leaves alot of extra time for her to do.....????????????????????????


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi WolfB~
I would try and get the bickering under control, otherwise that could bite you in the long run - the "sex is really good" might turn in to something otherwise.

I suggest you sit down with your wife and construct a family budget. Put x amount for discretionary spending for her to get the toys, etc., with, and then automatically put y amount in to savings from your paycheck. Whatever amount she gets is what she gets - and then don't you crab to her about how she spends it, and she doesn't crab to you about the amount. Agree to it - you guys have two small children and you are the sole income, you should be saving for a rainy day.

I wouldn't worry about the housework split if it is working for you. You have to find what works for you, not what works for your friends. With a 3 year old and a 6 mo old I would imagine your wife would be hopping and getting pretty exhausted during the day. I think a husband should still help out when he gets home even if his wife is a SAHM - the wife just spent all of her 'working' day chasing around after little kids. If the housework isn't equitable, then discuss with your wife and try and come up with a more workable solution.

Don't let any of this stuff just swirl around in your head and stew about it. Talk with her about it and come up with some solutions that you both can agree to and that work for your family and situation.

Good Luck!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

You have some good advice already in this thread. It would be good for you to read it and understand what is being said.



wolfbarkley said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I'm just looking for some objective answers and perhaps some cosntructive critizism if needed.
> 
> ...


Simply tell her no on most of these items.

And from your own leadership, encourage her to instead of buying tings and spending money on non essentials, encourage her instead to show her love to her children by invest TIME to take children to activities, such as play visits or to the park, or hobbies, such as art class, music class, martial arts, sports etc.



> I make a good income and we do have close to $1,000 of disposable income per month after bills, expeses, fod, etc...however we usally always spend it on luxary items or going out...and I want to start saving.investing our extra money...etc..


Do this. 

Do NOT wait on your wife's permission to start saving accounts or college accounts.

You are in a relatively young relationship, so understand this, budget EVERYTHING.

Vacation budget, dining out budget, christmas budget, so forth.

And stick to it.

This shows your leadership, your compassion for taking care of your family, and will put a stop to the resentment and lack of respect that will continue to develop in you towards your woman if she is allowed to aimlessly drift in frivolous spending.




> We have had our ups and downs like any other relationship, but Im looking to see if what we are going thru is normal .


Don't worry about "normal".

In years, you will realize there is not much in this life that is "normal", especially in relationships.

Nor should other people even be the yardstick to measure your own happiness or potential. 

As a man, your own happiness and desires should be yardstick enough, and if you are discontent, then you realize there is a problem needing to be fixed, so fix it and fix it without apology!  



> and also Do you think our housework/taking care of kids is evenly shared?


So what if it isn't?

Looking for 50/50, is recipe for disaster.

Simply do 100 percent of what you are needing to do, and let your woman have the privelege of doing her 100 percent of what she needs to do. 



> Firsly, I love my wife, I work full time and she is a stay at home Mom. However I have and still do the cooking when Im at home, During the week i cook the dinners and on weekends do pretty much all the cookign, baking ,etc... (I am a good cook, maint the reason), . I also do all the dishes, taking out garbage, housecleaningm etc..


Be wary of too much house husband. 

This will potentially create resentment in you (doing more than your share), and will mostly create discontent in your woman, thinking she married to someone more like a servant than like her man, which will eventaully erode respect and eventually kill sexual attraction.

See the romance novels in the stores? What do they show on covers? Strong men, pirates, bandits, men in control of their own destinies? Or do they show house husbands cooking and cleaning?  



> We have agreed that because my Wife takes care of the kids, she only does the laundry.


Such an agreement, it will not stand the test of time.

Your children, their needs will change as they age, as will the amount of effort your wife will need to make to take care of them.

A stay at home wife, should be able to rise to the opportunity to do much much MUCH more then merely laundry.



> I had no objections to this as I love my wife alot, but lately and from my Friends, I am under the impression that I am doing a greater share of the work?


This is resentment creeping in, but also listening to your friends is not always accurate as well.

Listen to yourself, what are you saying to yourself about this situation? Do you see something to address from your own leadership?



> I love my wife and would walk to the end of the world for her, but wondering if there is a flip side to this coin?


The flip side of this is that the many times in this one post you say you "love" your wife, but it is to me as if you putting her on pedastal and borderline treating her as a charity case.

Nothing is more toxic to a relationship than this, to put a woman on a pedastal.

This will short circuit the opportunities to display your own leadership and expectations, and create boredom, resentment, and lack of respect in your woman to you.

Your woman, she is wanting to be married to a good man who is not afraid to tell her "no", who is not afriad to share his own opinions and expectations and high standards, and work from his own leadership (read this as a woman will see it as HONESTY) to see that his family is happy, successful, solvent, and working together as a unit to improve the life of everyone in the family.

This is the good way for the good man to "love" his woman, and never to worry about some arbitrary 50/50, or whether she has only the laundry to worry about. 



> It just seems like we have compltely different views lately and am needing advice on how to approch the situation?


Different views is good and proper.

Just make sure your view is heard and expressed and demonstrated as much as hers, this is a relationship.

To make the fatal error to allow her view to outweigh yours, simply on some notion that you "love" her too much to disagree with her, is as driving a stake through the heart of her respect for you!

From this one post I can understand you have the best interest of your family at your heart, so do not do your family the ultimate disservice by failing to listen to your own council, or follow your own leadership. 

I wish you well.


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## FrancisMacomber (Jun 9, 2011)

You're finished. You've given your wife hand and let her dominate you for too long. The damage can't be undone. You sound like the consummate beta provider and your wife knows this and no, she doesn't appreciate it. 

You've two courses of action:

1. continue to live with your wife as the beast of burden that you've become, bearing whatever she throws on your back, including infidelity.

2. leave her and get financially raped by the Big Brother courts for alimony and child support


But one way or the other, it looks like you've got "beta provider" coded in your genes. If you choose the second course of action, odds are you'll let some other woman walk all over you.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> What is she contributing?


awesome sex, apparently, which is nothing to sneeze at! Staying at home and not doing much work probably makes it easier for her to be relaxed and sexually available, so it's possible there could be a tradeoff.

If you make any changes, I would approach with the angle that it's more about planning/saving for the future and less about 'doing her part.' She should get a job so you can save for the future AND maintain the lifestyle, OR make cutbacks so you can save more.

But yeah, she is spoiled.


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

My wife is spoiled too and I like it that way. I want to take care of her and provide for her. Right now I am working and she is not and we have no kids. She does the laundry and takes care of the house. Sometimes I cook and sometimes she does. I cook not because she asks me to but because I like to. I like fixing dinner for us and preparing everything. I enjoy it. Sometimes I do the dishes, sometimes she does, but most often we do them together. The main difference is my wife is extremely frugal. She wants to save money and have the retirement money (as do I) which works out well. I have no problem with her not working and me doing certain things around the house (such as taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn, and fixing dinner sometimes). It works for us and that is what matters.


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## ComplicatedLifeGal (Jun 9, 2011)

As a gal who was a stay at home mom for a while, I can personally tell you that while it may seem that we stay at home moms aren't getting much done during the day, time goes fast! 20 min to get this kiddos dressed, 15 to play a quick game before you eat breakfast, a half hour spent reading to them, it adds up fast. And that dedicated mommy time is irreplaceable, to her, and your kids! 
However, that said, if you feel you are carrying to much of the workload, and want to sensibly reserve some savings from your surplus income, talk to her. Don't blame her when you do, on either issues. You mention a lot of the money she spends goes to stuff for the kids? Talk to her about saving half (or however much) of you disposible income to go to college funds as well as retirement, ect. No, she can't see their faces light up right now, but it is a smart thing to do, and beneficial for them and you guys. To make up for the loss of extra fun money? Help her look around (google it!) for cheap, fun and free alternatives for what she used to do. I'm on a budget, my son and I frequent free parks, free music festivals, free library book readings, I take him hiking, we go to free workshops offered by our local college. 
Now for the housework, tell her you feel overwhelmed (don't blame her for it, maybe added work pressures, whatever has tipped you over the edge) and ask if you can both sit down, make lists of what you currently do seperately. Make a list of what you each sometimes do. See what chores you can swap, trade or exchange to balance out the lists, or amount of time each takes. Washing the curtains n rugs takes less effort then doing dishes for an example, trade that. Throw in washing the floor in the kitchen, since curtains, rugs n floors only need to be donw once a week (unless you guys r way tidier then me!) and dishes r done almost everyday. Another good idea, chores she may be avoiding can be difficult to do with the lil ones, but at six, the oldest can help with a lot of them. My four year old helps me mop, do the dishes and he loves cutting up soft veggies n fruit with his very own butter knife, ect. YEah, it takes me longer with him "helping" but I don't lose time with him because I have to do boring chores  I did have to switch to all natural, chem free cleaners, so I don't have to worry as much when he wants to help me clean, but hey, better for the enviroment too right? 

Its hard for women to take things as an attack if you are reasonable, logical, calm and explain (without blaming) your point of veiw. She probably doesn't mean to put you in this position, but she may not realize how difficult it is for you, again, just as you probably don't think of how much time making lunches, getting ready and driving to school, or one good tantrum can eat up your time during a day. hope that helps!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

ComplicatedLifeGal said:


> As a gal who was a stay at home mom for a while, I can personally tell you that while it may seem that we stay at home moms aren't getting much done during the day, time goes fast! 20 min to get this kiddos dressed, 15 to play a quick game before you eat breakfast, a half hour spent reading to them, it adds up fast.


I'm a homemaker too and I agree with this. However my husband still didn't come home and clean house. Sure the laundry was piled up on the floor, the kitchen was a disaster, etc when the kids were little but he still didn't do my job. Eventually the kids got older and more independent so I got back in control of the house. In the OP case when both her kids are in school he'll probably still be cleaning the house and cooking while she has lunch with her friends or is out shopping.


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## ComplicatedLifeGal (Jun 9, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm a homemaker too and I agree with this. However my husband still didn't come home and clean house. Sure the laundry was piled up on the floor, the kitchen was a disaster, etc when the kids were little but he still didn't do my job. Eventually the kids got older and more independent so I got back in control of the house. In the OP case when both her kids are in school he'll probably still be cleaning the house and cooking while she has lunch with her friends or is out shopping.


A very good point, I was on his end of things (overwhelmed and carrying the bulk of the workload) but as you said, when things didn't get done ( I didn't do them) I sure heard about it, but it still didn't get done! But maybe if she is reasonable about things, they can get it to a more even split from their points of veiw and keep it that way!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

nader said:


> awesome sex, apparently, which is nothing to sneeze at! Staying at home and not doing much work probably makes it easier for her to be relaxed and sexually available, so it's possible there could be a tradeoff.
> 
> If you make any changes, I would approach with the angle that it's more about planning/saving for the future and less about 'doing her part.' She should get a job so you can save for the future AND maintain the lifestyle, OR make cutbacks so you can save more.
> 
> But yeah, she is spoiled.


If you are getting awesome sex, that is something to consider. I was doing all the work but getting little sex. Perhaps her love language is the service thing.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

nader said:


> awesome sex, apparently, which is nothing to sneeze at! Staying at home and not doing much work probably makes it easier for her to be relaxed and sexually available, so it's possible there could be a tradeoff.
> 
> If you make any changes, I would approach with the angle that it's more about planning/saving for the future and less about 'doing her part.' She should get a job so you can save for the future AND maintain the lifestyle, OR make cutbacks so you can save more.
> 
> But yeah, she is spoiled.


Awesome sex does not make up for spoiled princess like behaviour. Lazy housewives make me sick. If you are not working outside the home, you need to work inside the home. The husband should help, but if he is making the money and taking care of his wife and kids, he deserves a good meal and a clean home. Opening her legs is not enough.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm a homemaker too and I agree with this. *However my husband still didn't come home and clean house*. Sure the laundry was piled up on the floor, the kitchen was a disaster, etc when the kids were little but he still didn't do my job. *Eventually the kids got older and more independent so I got back in control of the house. In the OP case when both her kids are in school he'll probably still be cleaning the house and cooking while she has lunch with her friends or is out shopping.[/QUOTE*]
> 
> :iagree: And here is a real woman who understands what marriage is about! :smthumbup:


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