# Family Member Moving In Causing Divorce?



## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

Personal said:


> Have you told your wife you will not let him move in and you will divorce her over this?






No, because I feel like it will then become completely nuclear over night. I also don't want to put the brother in the middle of this. 

I have definitely pushed back strongly on it when it has been brought up, so she certainly knows my feelings on the matter. But I haven't threatened divorce.

This has come rather quickly and caught me off guard, not sure if counseling is the right move or what.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion. Your wife will see that you are a good man who loves her family as your own. However, it's your life and your choice so do what you feel right. You understand your situation the most. I know with my heart that I will be able to accept my spouse's special needs family member because my DH would do the same for me, but I do not judge others who refuse to do the same.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

candle100 said:


> Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion. Your wife will see that you are a good man who loves her family as your own.


Doubtable. Otherwise she and her family would not basically decide alone without consulting really him or valueing his opinion.

Realistically his wife will spend more time caring about her brother and get more and more distant towards him, especially if they had problems already. Could also be a move to end the M. If he leaves over that, M is over, if he refuses to let the brother move in, M is over and if the brother stays the M will most likely be over soon because it will exacerbate the situation they are already in. Especially if the status of his BIL is deteriorating.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Doesn't sound like a massive burden to me. He's family, he needs help. 

You never turn your back on family even if its somewhat of an inconvenience.

Well a selfish person such as yourself might.

Perhaps you'll be happier living alone after its all over.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

Personal said:


> Conflict avoidence does you no favours. If you won't be blunt and direct with your wife, you are setting yourself up for resentment and failure.
> 
> If you don't want him to move in, have the strength and integrity to own exactly that and tell your wife exactly that.
> 
> If you want to take the weak and insipid path, huff and puff without getting to the point, and play covert contract games while pretending you aren't responsible for a mess of you own choosing.




I'm not avoiding conflict, as the situation in question hasn't even happened yet.

The idea I get divorce or start seriously talking about it over something she might attempt in the next several years seems pretty severe without first trying to work something out first.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

cameron75 said:


> I'm not avoiding conflict, as the situation in question hasn't even happened yet.
> 
> The idea I get divorce or start seriously talking about it over something she might attempt in the next several years seems pretty severe without first trying to work something out first.


What's to work out? You aren't interested in providing for your brother in law.

So put it right out there since the matter has been discussed already and you've been told right to your face to accept it or not, and make it clear that if he moves in you are gone. 

It's called "manning up"

Google it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cameron75 said:


> So my wife has a brother with special needs, he currently lives with his parents. He is "high functioning", he held a job, had his own place, was even "married" at one time to another woman with special needs (but it didn't work out), etc
> 
> Anyway, out of the blue there's now a serious push to the idea that he will be moving in with us and I need to accept that. Lately he's been coming over quite a bit and spending a lot of time. He's a nice human being, there's no friction or problems, but this is a massive burden to take on.
> 
> ...


What "special needs" does he have?

Does he not work, currently?

Are you or your wife trained in dealing with his types of "special needs?"

If not, then you might need to politely decline this opportunity.

After all, you could be signing up for a "special needs" guest for 30 or 40 years.

And who will fund this? (Seeing that he doesn't work.)

There's altruism and then there's being a damn fool.

And I think you know the difference and the best course of action for you and your wife.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

candle100 said:


> Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion. Your wife will see that you are a good man who loves her family as your own. However, it's your life and your choice so do what you feel right. You understand your situation the most. I know with my heart that I will be able to accept my spouse's special needs family member because my DH would do the same for me, but I do not judge others who refuse to do the same.


I suggest this to start with. It's your wife's brother and I imagine she has spent many years with him and may not even think that's it's ok for him to go to a care facility.

There was a special needs kid in our extended family and his mom just didn't think anyone else could care for him in the way that she did. Her husband and children shared the same opinion. It was an unspoken certainty that her children would care for him when they passed or couldn't do so any longer. I think in their case they would choose the brother over a spouse because of the lifetime investment and commitment the family made. 

I don't know what kind of special care your wife's brother needs but she may share similar feelings to my relatives. A compromise approach would be to take him in for some time with the knowledge that ultimately a care facility will need to be identified. Care at these places can vary a lot so it may take awhile to find one. I suggest you talk with your wife and see if she is amenable to that and what kind of timeline would be acceptable. 

It will need to happen at some point anyway. I have a friend who has a special needs brother that lived with the parents for years but after the parents died he went to live with his brother. However they he became to old to really care for the brother like he needed (he was in much better health) so eventually they found a place for him to live and he did well. Since it will need to happen at some time it should be planned for sooner than later so that it suits everyone.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is reasonable to bring this family member in on a temporary basis. It is unreasonable to bring him in permanently. It is especially unreasonable when it does not have your support.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What other issues are you having in your relationship?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> What other issues are you having in your relationship?


Because going from "Your brother's coming to live with us" to "I know! Let's get a divorce!" seems to be quite a significant jump.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If he's high functioning, is there a need for him to live with someone? Is he truly able to live by himself? When he lived on his own, did it not go well? And, why does he need to leave his parents? A little more information please.

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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This kind of situation would be a deal breaker for both of us, so we would never consider imposing such a scenario on the other without full discussion and complete agreement. We won't even consider having our kids move back in if they ever want or need to. Instead, we'd do whatever ELSE we could to help them, without disrupting the peace and happiness of our home, and our life together. We rely on our privacy and time alone together to be happy. At most, we can stand having guests for a week or two a year, and while we enjoy such visits, we are also very happy when they leave!

OP, you will probably have to get very clear with your wife at some point, and be willing to do whatever else you can reasonably do to help, short of having him live with you. His presence will also interfere greatly with any attempts you make to work on the problems in your relationship - he will be an excuse for her to avoid focusing on the marriage. I can see that in your circumstances, this could be the last straw.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

rzmpf said:


> Doubtable. Otherwise she and her family would not basically decide alone without consulting really him or valueing his opinion.
> 
> Realistically his wife will spend more time caring about her brother and get more and more distant towards him, especially if they had problems already. Could also be a move to end the M. If he leaves over that, M is over, if he refuses to let the brother move in, M is over and if the brother stays the M will most likely be over soon because it will exacerbate the situation they are already in. Especially if the status of his BIL is deteriorating.


"Blood is thicker than water." A spouse's heart will never truly belong to you if you do not love him/her enough to love his or her family members as your own. Life is short. There will be a time when we all become very vulnerable and need someone to care for us. Taking care of my spouse's family member is not a burden to me. It would be a blessing to have that opportunity. 

They do not discuss about the BIL with him does not necessarily mean they do not value his opinion. His wife probably knows some of her Dh's negative feelings about the situation. When you live with someone long enough, you know his or her point of view on certain topics. It is not easy to bring it up when you already know the outcome. His wife does not really have a choice because her special needs brother needs her. 


rzmpf said:


> Realistically his wife will spend more time caring about her brother and get more and more distant towards him, especially if they had problems already


Personally I do not see this as a problem. He can choose to share the responsibilities to take care the special needs BIL. It could become a wonderful connection between the husband and wife who shares a common goal. I would be scared to marry a spouse who is cold towards his own family. If he does not love his own biological family, how could I expect him to be kind to me when I become sick or dying? The OP's wife seems like a responsible person who does not turn her back on her brother. 

He can divorce his wife when her special needs brother moves in. It's his choice, but that is not her fault. It does not mean she chose her brother over her husband, it's just because she is a nice and responsible sibling who is not fortunate enough to have a supportive spouse. 

Family is very important. I would always love my Dh's family as my own. I talk to my parents in law frequently. I took good care of them when they are sick. I made sure they ate well and took their medications. I know their medications and dosages by heart. They go to the doctor when I agree with them. I begged them to move in with me when they are too old to take care themselves. When my MIL called me, my Dh would tell me "your best friend is calling". I can see the happiness in his eyes. I feel the same way when he respects my parents and take them to doctor appointments when I have to work. Imagine your wife's happiness when you love her brother as your own, you would be her true man. Leaving your wife does not guarantee happiness, you might end up with a terrible woman who cares for nobody but herself. It would be very very sad. 

In the end, it's your choice. I hope you do some serious soul searching before making the decision. Good luck with your decision.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

candle100 said:


> He can divorce his wife when her special needs brother moves in. It's his choice, but that is not her fault. *It does not mean she chose her brother over her husband, *it's just because she is a nice and responsible sibling who is not fortunate enough to have a supportive spouse.
> 
> .


Actually, I think it DOES mean she chose her brother over her husband.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Actually, I think it DOES mean she chose her brother over her husband.




Exactly.
Have you actually told her how you feel about this or just dropped hints?
You guys need to sit down and seriously talk about this. This wouldn't be for a year...this is forever.
Who is going to pay for this? Anything special that needs to be altered on the house? Can he stay by himself or do you have to have a caregiver if the two of you go out? I think even if she's been mentioning it ...before getting your honest input she shouldn't do anything.

I don't think you are being selfish for having severe reservations about this.

Hopefully you guys can sit down and talk about it...maybe you can find an alternative that might work.
Find a home close to you where he can get some some day passes or weekend passes a few times a month?




Sent from my iPhone


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yosemite said:


> Doesn't sound like a massive burden to me. He's family, he needs help.
> 
> You never turn your back on family even if its somewhat of an inconvenience.
> 
> ...


Would you say the same thing if he wasn't special needs? Maybe a recovering addict? An alcoholic?

Yosemite have you ever cared for a person who couldn't/wouldn't care for themselves?

I don't know how old any one in this story is but the BIL moving in could easily be a 30/40/50 year commitment. That's a lot to ask.

I agree with the OP, the guy needs to be set up in an assisted living environment, or if he can live independently set him up in an apartment and let sis go visit a few times a week to make sure his needs are taken care of.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

cameron75 said:


> ... serious push to the idea [that] my wife['s] brother with special needs will be moving in with us and I need to accept that ... there was never any discussion about this ... not fair that one person gets to make this decision ...





candle100 said:


> Your marriage will be stronger if you treat your special needs brother in law with love and compassion.





candle100 said:


> [OP] can choose to share the responsibilities to take care the special needs BIL ... Imagine your wife's happiness when you love her brother as your own, you would be her true man ... it could become a wonderful connection between the husband and wife ...


I very much doubt that the hoped-for 'stronger marriage' and 'wonderful connection' are likely to emerge, if


cameron75 said:


> ... our marriage has been having a lot of problems anyway


any more than would be the case for a couple, who are having problems, deciding to have a baby "because it will bring us closer". The pre-existing problems won't just disappear, in fact in all probability they'll be exacerbated.




candle100 said:


> ...wife does not really have a choice because her special needs brother needs her ...


Objectively, wife does have a choice. What her brother *needs* is appropriate care. Maybe care by his sister would be his preference, but the idea that this preference (even if lukewarm?) would *automatically* trump the OP's preference seems to me to be disrespectful towards the OP. Before I'm shot down in flames, substitute a special-needs cousin, or second cousin, for the brother(-in-law), keeping a wife who wants him to move in and a husband who doesn't ...




candle100 said:


> "Blood is thicker than water." A spouse's heart will never truly belong to you if you do not love him/her enough to love his or her family members as your own


Back to the cousins.



candle100 said:


> *Personally* I do not see this as a problem.


But the OP does.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Actually, I think it DOES mean she chose her brother over her husband.


It will if he puts his foot down and makes it perfectly clear that it's either the brother or him. 

He has yet to do that, all he's done is "push back" as he puts it. She may very well think that he'll just roll over and go with it since it's so important to her to take care of family, and she's certainly not wrong in how she feels. Maybe she thinks that once he agrees to go along with it, he'll realize it isn't so bad and maybe he'll even feel better about himself for having provided for her brother in his time of need. It could be the "kick in the pants" that the marriage needs, but for it to work that way he's gotta stop resisting. 

It's probably safe to say that if he puts his foot down and continues with his "no way" stance, the marriage is over. 

Do you think ending the marriage and starting your life over again and all the financial hits you're going to take is worth keeping the brother out?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Yosemite said:


> It will if he puts his foot down and makes it perfectly clear that it's either the brother or him.
> 
> He has yet to do that, all he's done is "push back" as he puts it. She may very well think that he'll just roll over and go with it since it's so important to her to take care of family, and she's certainly not wrong in how she feels. Maybe she thinks that once he agrees to go along with it, he'll realize it isn't so bad and maybe he'll even feel better about himself for having provided for her brother in his time of need. It could be the "kick in the pants" that the marriage needs, but for it to work that way he's gotta stop resisting.
> 
> ...


 @Yosemite, I am not entirely certain why you are seeing fit to shame him, which you have done to a greater or lesser degree in each of your posts on this thread. I find it incredibly interesting that you are defending her feelings in the above post, yet in the very same post shaming him for his feelings. How exactly does that pass the smell test? Does this hit close to home for you?

It is totally unreasonable to move a family member in permanently without mutual consent. The moment she said to him that she wanted to move her brother in, she chose that over the marriage. If fairness, the way their marriage sounds, it was likely not a hard choice for her. 

I would in no way, shape, or form allow my wife to unilaterally move a family member permanently into our home. That is a reasonable boundary. A year, six months, something temporary...no problem.

There are clearly other factors at play in his marriage beyond this issue.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

Yosemite, just out of curiosity, how many special needs individuals have you brought into your home to live with you PERMANENTLY? 

My guess is "none", yet I don't think you're a horrible, nasty human being for not willing to take on that sort of burden. So enough of the silly virtue signaling. Most of the advice here has been welcome, except yours.

The truth is, I have family members as well with problems, one of them is a drug addict that has been in out of rehab her whole life. I wouldn't DREAM of bringing a person like that to move in with me and caring for them, even though she is "disabled" and "family". That's not fair to my wife or the rest of my family.

Also, to clarify for other posters, this person in question is high functioning, at one time lived without his parents for several years (he moved back in with his parents more over budget and logistic reasons) and held a low skilled job. He's basically at the level of like a 14 year old, he can work, prepare meals, feed himself, bathe, do laundry, read, write, has a bank account, etc And nobody is suggesting this person be put on the street, there are care facilities that specialize in this and those resources are available, that would be my solution to this. Just like if you had elderly, disabled parents, sometimes a nursing home or adult community makes a lot more sense that someone quitting their job and taking care of their parents full time.

Bottom line though, I'm not looking for validation, I understand some people feel this is a selfish decision on my part, and that's fine. My wife is in that camp, though for some reason, her husband's life being turned upside down for what she wants is not considered selfish. Most people I think though would sing a much different tune if they were faced with bringing in a brother-in-law to be a new person that lives in your home until he's an elderly man that will then need additional care as well. 

What I'm looking for is if other people have had a similar situation, how they dealt with it, did they engage the family beyond the spouse to look for solutions, etc. My hope is something can be worked out before the train leaves the station.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

cameron75 said:


> What I'm looking for is if other people have had a similar situation, how they dealt with it, did they engage the family beyond the spouse to look for solutions, etc. My hope is something can be worked out before the train leaves the station.


My uncle was special needs. My grandmother cared for him her whole life. When she died they moved her son (my mom's brother) into a special care facility. He was also aging. There is no way my mom could have cared for him within our household. 

Did my mom want to put her brother in a facility? No. But you can only do so much.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cameron75 said:


> Yosemite, just out of curiosity, how many special needs individuals have you brought into your home to live with you PERMANENTLY?
> 
> My guess is "none", yet I don't think you're a horrible, nasty human being for not willing to take on that sort of burden. So enough of the silly virtue signaling. Most of the advice here has been welcome, except yours.
> 
> ...


Why are you looking for others in this situation? It is simply a matter of calmly stating your boundary. 

Then it is up to her to either honor it, or not.

If she does not, then it is up to you to enact the consequence.

It is not easy, but it is simple. Don't make this about anything more that it actually is, brother.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I suggest therapy and let her learn about the emotional, logistical toll on her marriage, family, and the instability that comes along with it. Plus, she may need help with guilt and that is her burden to bear. But you make your position known and tell her the consequences and it is not a punishment. Plus, being selfish to a certain degree is healthy. You want your life a certain way, there is only so much cost to you that you want. Her taking care of her brother will also take time mentally and emotionally to place into a relationship due to stressers which simply will not subside once the caretaker role is done for the day. that takes time.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Something to think about...BEFORE you married your wife, did you even consider the notion that this may one day come?

If not, it is unfair on your wife for you to be considering divorce based on this. This is something that should have been thought about and discussed before marriage.

Based on your description of his abilities, it sounds as if he just requires supervision, NOT a care facility. Care facilities are for low functioning people, not high....and they would probably laugh you right out the door when they do the intake evaluation.

Now, The alternative to not taking him in would be a group home, however based on what you have said and the fact that your wife wants to bring him in and that you probably never thought this day would come, if he goes to a group home, be prepared for either a tremendous amount of resentment from your wife and/or her leaving you.

And just so you know, there is a huge difference between a person disabled with a drug dependency and a person with high functioning special needs. It is unfair to group them in the same pond.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Something to think about...BEFORE you married your wife, did you even consider the notion that this may one day come?
> 
> If not, it is unfair on your wife for you to be considering divorce based on this. This is something that should have been thought about and discussed before marriage.
> 
> ...




Shouldn't most of the burden with "what to do" have been on my wife disclosing this and not on me? This idea that it's "my fault" not not planning it all out for what to do with her brother later in life before engagement seems to absolve her of any responsibility. 

Regardless, it was discussed, and I was always assured when the topic came up that he had the resources to be taken care of later in life as he has a special trust set up. Him and his family have the money to provide professional care for him. Never once did she say "he's moving in with us eventually".

And a care facility can mean a number of things, it's just sort of a generic term and he may need more care later in life as he ages, it's not a one size fits all. My grandmother was put in a group home when her care became too great and it was a perfect fit for her. Caring for her full time nearly destroyed my parents.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

has there been any further discussion about medical fees and cost to support his needs? also who will watch him while you and your wife wants to get away?


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

Xenote said:


> has there been any further discussion about medical fees and cost to support his needs? also who will watch him while you and your wife wants to get away?




There have been, he has a trust with sufficient resources to take care of him, in addition he gets medicare coverage and social security/disability.

The issue with his living arrangement is not the lack of money to provide professional care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cameron75,

I get your concern. Most people would have a hard time with moving a family member into their home for an extended time or permanently. 

You have advance notice that this could be an issue in the future. So I think that having discussions with your wife and her family about this. What other solutions are there? You could possibly help them come to a solution that does not include him being in your home.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Moving anyone into your home creates disruptions in your life. It changes the dynamics of your family. You never said if you had kids, do you?

I had two young cousins moving in with us when my kids were small. It was a bad idea. I never discussed it with my H. It caught us all unaware. They showed up for a little vacation in the city and decided that they were going to stay here. Everyone assumed that they would stay with me. I could not ask them to leave. They stayed for close to a year and I swear my marriage was falling apart.

Our cleaning lady and the babysitter quit on us because they said they would not pick up after themselves and created too much work. They never helped to clean anything. They did not even do their own laundry. She had to wake them up to go to work. MY son was in the hospital for a week and they never visited him. My H was so pissed, he came home and let them know they have to make other arrangement to live. 

Never would I invite anyone to live with us again.

If they family have money then get him a small apartment for him to live in. It sounds to me like the parents wants to live their lives all fancy free and pass the responsible over to you and your wife. Discuss this with your wife. Talk about the impact on your marriage, life and finances. This can be a very expensive if you have custody of him. Also, would you have access to the trust? Look into everything.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

cameron75 said:


> Shouldn't most of the burden with "what to do" have been on my wife disclosing this and not on me? This idea that it's "my fault" not not planning it all out for what to do with her brother later in life before engagement seems to absolve her of any responsibility.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



As per putting the onus on your wife to disclose this to you is not something solely on her shoulders. Unless he was hidden in a closet until after you were married, you must have been aware of his needs, therefore if you had concerns, it is just as much your responsibility to have broached the subject as it was hers.

As for having the resources to take care of him and a trust fund...that is the money. Just because they have the money for professional care does not mean that they ever wanted to provide him with professional care. Did you ever ask them to clarify with you what they meant by resources....or did you just assume that it meant some sort of alternative living facility? Where you not ever part of the family discussions regarding what type of care he would receive. 

She should have told you but she didn't, so you should have asked. 

Has anyone in the family considered providing an "in-law" suite? If there is money there, one can be built. It would be a great alternative to keep him close so he can be monitored, however allow him to live independently as he seems to have the ability to do so, and he will not be invading living space. 


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

cameron75 said:


> Yosemite, just out of curiosity, how many special needs individuals have you brought into your home to live with you PERMANENTLY?


17.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> cameron75,
> 
> I get your concern. Most people would have a hard time with moving a family member into their home or an extended time or permanently.
> 
> You have advance notice that this could be an issue in the future. So I think that having discussions with your wife and her family about this. What other solutions are there? You could possibly help them come to a solution that does not include him being in your home.



That is the solution I'm proposing, he would live nearby, but not in our home. As he gets older, the type of facility he will need will likely change. Her and the"other" brother can then supplement in the responsibility of caring for him. What's interesting is my wife has basically said that her brother is not going to take him in and we can't count on him. So the actual sibling getting a pass is no big deal.




xMadame said:


> She should have told you but she didn't, so you should have asked.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If you read my post, I stated I did ask and she told me financially there was the money to care for him and it was set up for that purpose. She never said moving him in was the solution. 

But just as an example, before you got married, did you have an agreement in place with what to do when each spouse’s parents as they got older and/or other family members? I would say 99.9% of people don’t have a plan for this before they get married.

But regardless of whether or not a formal plan was made, it’s not like that then gives the person a blank check to force entirely new living conditions without their spouse's input.




brooklynAnn said:


> It sounds to me like the parents wants to live their lives all fancy free and pass the responsible over to you and your wife.



That's the gist of it. Their other son also doesn't want to be responsible for his care.


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## cameron75 (Sep 6, 2016)

Quote:
Originally Posted by cameron75 View Post
Yosemite, just out of curiosity, how many special needs individuals have you brought into your home to live with you PERMANENTLY?




Yosemite said:


> 17.



You have 17 special needs individuals living with you until they die?
Are you paid for this service?


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

cameron75 said:


> You have 17 special needs individuals living with you until they die?
> Are you paid for this service?


I was joking. I've never been faced with such a situation but I'd like to think I'd be there for one of my partner's relatives should the need arise, not really seeing it as such a big deal.

Of course it's easy for me to play armchair quarterback from way over here when I don't even have the ball.

I definitely would not want to be in your shoes.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Not everyone would be okay with the scenario presented. It isn't reasonable or fair to impose it on your spouse without their full agreement, especially when there are other very good alternatives for the brother's care. It was never presented as a possibility or an option - and it still needn't be.


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## candle100 (Aug 21, 2016)

cameron75 said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by cameron75 View Post
> Yosemite, just out of curiosity, how many special needs individuals have you brought into your home to live with you PERMANENTLY
> 
> ...


OP: I typed something for you and I LOST it!!!!

I personally know a person who was in a similar situation like yours over 20 years ago. The differences were that the special needs individual is not highly functioning and his parents both passed away. One sibling took over his care while all of the other siblings rejected him and wanted to put him in a nursing home. They wanted nothing to do with him. Luckily, his sibling's spouse has a heart of gold. The couple also had to deal with a problematic child with drug issues on top of taking care the special needs individual. Time passed and everything worked out. The old couple and the special needs brother are still living together. I have been in their life for almost 10 years. At first I was trying to avoid this special needs individual because I had no idea what he was trying to say or do ,and he would not give up bothering me :grin2:. He is not related to me. I finally got used to it. When he was hospitalized, I spent many nights in the ICU with him and I cried hoping he would be alive to bother me again and I felt horrible about myself for thinking he was such a burden to his brother. He finally made it out of the hospital alive. I was given a second chance to open my heart to people with special needs. I understand people who do not have an opportunity to know special needs people might feel scared or not wanting to take the responsibility. It's normal to feel scared to step out of the comfort zone to deal with the unknown. All I am trying to say is that if you decide to give it a try, you might think it's not as bad as you think. If you decide not to do it, it's Ok too because you only have one life so you get to decide. 

When my aunt and uncle realize that their special needs daughter is not a burden or a bother to my Dh and I, they take more summer vacations to visit and stay at our home. The love that my aunt and uncle have for their special needs daughter touched my heart. She is their only child. I see the sadness in their eyes worrying what would happen when they die. My Dh told my uncle to not worry because she is welcome to live with us when they die. I have no immediate family with special needs but I am happy to help my cousin when needed and I am glad that my Dh spoke up before I did. Surprisingly, my special needs cousin has at least two other cousins who are physicians signed up to take her already so we are third in line for her and first in line for the first special needs individual that I mentioned above. I had many other opportunities to interact with special needs people (I mean who needs feeding tube, G-tube, needs diaper change, other special cares and was unable to communicate). 

Your wife's brother does not sounds bad at all. I saw worse behaviors (masturbating in front of people, stealing, calling police for fun, foul language, self-harm, and combative), but all these behaviors could be managed with proper discipline/ treatments. 

"No matter how bad you have got it, there is always someone that has it worse." Your situation is not the best, but it is not the worse. It's normal to have problems in marriage. There was a time period when I used to think about divorcing my DH and I could not stand him, but I feel so in love with him now (he is still the same person with the same bad habits I hate, so the only person who changed is myself). Life has ups and downs. The way you feel about a something/someone can change over time so please put a lot of thoughts before you decide. Please save your marriage before you give up and please consider giving yourself an opportunity to love your special needs brother in law before walking away. Nothing is permanent, you can always put a stop to everything. You could become a positive influence to someone who is younger many years from now just like the above old couple did to me. 

P/S: Everyone has different life experience and background so the choices with the same situation will not always be similar. You know what is best for you and your situation. Please keep us update if you don't mind:smile2:.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yosemite said:


> I was joking. I've never been faced with such a situation but I'd like to think I'd be there for one of my partner's relatives should the need arise, not really seeing it as such a big deal.
> 
> Of course it's easy for me to play armchair quarterback from way over here when I don't even have the ball.
> 
> I definitely would not want to be in your shoes.


That 'joke' was unfunny.

And unhelpful.

Helpful, thoughtful posts are, however, welcome in this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I get pissed off when my wife brings home a new cat. A person would be a complete deal breaker for me.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I just want to throw this out there...

Maybe your wife also doesn't really want to have her brother there, but is racked with guilt and shame if she doesn't. 

Perhaps it's possible that the idea of putting him in a center is very scary to her and will just overload her with guilt. If this is the case... she needs your support; and you won't be able to TELL if this is the case if you're too busy fighting with her.
I think it's very very important that you sit down, in a quiet setting and discuss this.. talk about what this will mean for your home, family, day to day, relationship, any current or future children you'd like to have... jobs.. money. Present the idea of a center in a loving way. If she shoots it down, try to be kind and find out WHY she's so against it. 

Guilt is a powerful emotion. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes... and I think I'd probably be doing the same thing as her right now... because of my own guilt. I would feel AWFUL putting my sibling in a center, and if my husband was so harsh and rude about it.. I would get defensive and fight to keep him. I would stand up for my brother... even if deep deep deep DEEP down, I know my husband is right. Family is family. 

Talk to her. Try to be understand of where she's coming from too.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

and I don't mean "give in to her"... but I mean, be patient with her. This is probably really hard on both of you. She's probably not thinking of the details of HOW this will effect you and your family, she's probably thinking, "someone I dearly love and protect needs me... I need to help/save him!" and the details, she'll figure out as she goes. Her mind is probably whirling! Mine would be! 

You need to slow her down and help her think about things logically. Be loving and kind and gentle so she doesn't get defensive. As soon as things go harsh... she'll tighten up and get into "protective sister" mode.


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