# Can't believe its come to this



## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

After 20 years, it appears this is the beginning of the end :frown2:. It looks like my wife of 20 years and I are going to separate and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm not going into detail about what issues we are having but every relationship has its share of issues but I have always believed that our marriage was going to be one of the exceptions and be strong enough to get through anything. Every time I think about it I get sick to my stomach. Why cant I be strong enough to just say "it is what it is" and not worry about it. 

We talked about it today and she says to give it a chance (the separation) and see what happens. I think she is just sugar-coating it and doesn't want to say what her full intentions are. She says she still loves me, always has and always will but we need a break. It sounds suspiciously like "I've had enough".

I really, really just don't know how I am going to deal with this. The biggest problem is going to be that we work for the same company, on the same shift so its going to be darn near impossible not to run into each other.

I feel so lost right now and emotionally I just want to break down and cry but that's not going to change what is inevitably going to happen.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Without details we can't offer much help. When a woman wants a separation it's usually to try out new guy unencumbered by the husband. You stating not wanting to get into details leads me to believe that maybe you did something to cause her to leave, affair, drugs/drinking, or physical abuse. Either way, this is an anonymous board. The perfect place to come clean and talk to people that have heard it ALL.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is the plan ? The ground rules ? Or is one/both looking to gently drift away into the mists of times long forgotten ? If either of you think this will happen, it's a pipe dream. You will have a long drawn out nightmare. 

You need to be prepared for the wrost (divorce and asset split) and work for the best. Read/own/be the 180. Be prepared to discuss all the issues and more. At some point you will be forced to confront the possibility/reality of an affair. Just follow the advice on standard of proof and do it. Just do it with the same emotional detachment toy have brushing your teeth. 

Read other threads !!! Look to replies and threads from women, they can be revealing. There are ones who truly are/did separate for the right reasons. 

The people here posting replays have been there and gotten kicked in the face. Yet they all want to see the next person do better.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Kismet, there is another newbie here today. A women who wants to separate from her husband. It us "........ I think I married the wrong man". Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Aleksandra

Reach out to her, ask her about her life. Together you may find out how to understand and heal the breach in your respective marriages.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

jsmart said:


> Without details we can't offer much help. When a woman wants a separation it's usually to try out new guy unencumbered by the husband. You stating not wanting to get into details leads me to believe that maybe you did something to cause her to leave, affair, drugs/drinking, or physical abuse. Either way, this is an anonymous board. The perfect place to come clean and talk to people that have heard it ALL.


Thanks for the reply jsmart! NOPE, there was no affair, neither by me or her (at least not that I know of), no drugs or drinking and definitely no physical abuse. We just have arguments and seem to get on each others nerves more than we "get along", if that makes sense. Our marriage is not a marriage of "knock down, drag out" fights but we do have arguments and seem to get on each other nerves for what ever reason. We used to talk, plan and do things but now she doesn't want to talk and when I try to plan something the only answer I usually get is "how are we going to do that" or "we can" (I get no excitement or enthusiasm or input) and 9 out of 10 times when I say "hey, lets go do this or that" she never wants to. I'm not perfect and I do have flaws but we have just drifted apart from the way we used to be.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do you have kids? How old are you guys? 
Is your wife menopausal, this can play havoc with a woman's view of her marriage and the world in general.
Your wife sounds like a walk away wife, and contrary to what other folks have said here there usually is no other person involved. It happens because she has put up with stuff in the marriage for years and the pn decides one day she has had enough leaving her H blindsided. I suggest you read threads on this phenomena.

For yourself, for now you must emotionally detach by doing the 180
Be kind but don't discuss your marriage with her, no crying, begging etc
Act as if you believe every word she says
Get an IC
Quietly contact a lawyer, you may need one
Confide in a close supportive friend ( male) what is happening.
Do not leave the marital home

Sorry you are here


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Annie just gave some of the best advice you will get here. Follow it.


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## PHE (Apr 25, 2015)

aine said:


> Do you have kids? How old are you guys?
> Is your wife menopausal, this can play havoc with a woman's view of her marriage and the world in general.
> Your wife sounds like a walk away wife, and contrary to what other folks have said here there usually is no other person involved. It happens because she has put up with stuff in the marriage for years and the pn decides one day she has had enough leaving her H blindsided. I suggest you read threads on this phenomena.
> 
> ...


Yep, I am sorry I am here to....I NEVER dreamed I would be going thru this with the woman I am married too....Just. Never. Dreamed. It.....but, here I am. What is this 180 I keep reading about and what is IC? I've been rattling my brain and can't come up with anything for IC, although I am sure that once I see what it is I will go...duh!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

This is from Affaircare site on the 180. Link here

The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

Something to read on Walk away wives

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

IC= Individual counselling

you haven't answered the other questions?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband and I split up two months after our 20th anniversary. I too thought we would stay together forever, as we were in our thirties when we married. No kids. And no affairs. Just a gradual, painful lack of communication coupled with his graveyard work schedule, caused us to become like strangers. Also health issues on both sides took their toll. He finally asked me to move out and I was so relieved, I was into an apartment within four days. That was nine momths ago and working on the divorce process now. 

I do think that once the woman wants out, she is less likely to return, sorry to say. Moving on is a big step and women will not usually leave unless they are sure it is over, in my experience. There does not have to be another man-certainly not in my case. Just a desire to start fresh. But maybe your situation will be different. Best of luck. But keep a handle on your expectations, prepare yourself to move on.


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