# Need advice-still can't get over my Emotional Affair!!



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Hello all,

I was on here a lot last year when I was in the midst of my EA.
(To clarify to those that may doubt..it was strictly an EA..nothing physical ever happened -so it was not about sex)

Since the last time I posted, I have struggled to get out of it completely, even though I have not seen XOM since November 2010 (DDay #2)...Here is what happened....I asked OM to meet me for a drink at a local pub-just to talk one last time to say good bye (as I had just resigned from my position due to my H ultimatum) it's was either leave the job- or our MG is over.He didn't want me around OM at all and I worked w/ him. So I made the very difficult decision to resign. I LOVED my job, and it was very hard to let it go. Sorry for the diversion...back to the DDay # 2, my H was suspicions that I was meeting with OM this particular night-hacked into my email acct and found the communications about where we were meeting. My H showed up in a rage where we were, guns a blazing-ordered me to leave with him, punched the door on the way out, broke his hand, yelled profanities at me in the parking lot (he became very verbally abusive, and actually scared me, was driving erratically and was totally crazed)
At that point I was sure our MG was over-I was going to leave because things had gotten so bad. Somehow I stayed, and went into a deep despair and was so depressed I even scared myself. I almost went into the hospital because I couldn't function as a parent, I was numb and shut down. I had no feelings for my H, and believed we were over-but he would not accept that...

I have not seen OM since that night.

Fast forward to January 2011... I spoke to XOM once during a brief moment of insanity-a mutual friend told me he misses me and just wants to talk he was worried about me, and wanted to know how I was doing... so I called him, suggested we meet for coffee. After it set in that I made this mistake, I messaged XOM " I don't know what i was thinking-we can't meet and I made a mistake contacting you." After sending that mssg to XOM, my husband called me from his office spitting mad, he found out that I called XOM (due to an anonymous Facebook message that said: "spoke with your wife she wants to meet up") I never found out who actually sent this message-it was either XOM or the one friend I told about this communication, and she denies it was her. To this day I don't want to believe it was him retaliating because I changed my mind, but I will never know for sure... so we had yet another DDay experience. My H raged and carried on and it was only a 5 minute call!

So that was the last I have seen or spoken to XOM ...but I am still not over it. I think of him all the time, when things are going well, when things are going not so well....all the time! I wonder how he is doing, I don't like how things were left back at the pub that night- and I have been so tempted to email him just to say hi..but then I think of all the pain my EA has caused, and how far we have come..and I don't do it. I just can't figure out why I can't move past this. I can't get XOM out of my head and it has been 8 months since our last contact. I just feel like I am losing my mind sometimes- I don't talk to H at all about this b/c he can't handle it..and I don't bring it up in MC for the same reason, but NOT dealing with my feelings is preventing me from moving on. It's like I am still stuck in that period of my life- I miss the relationship the XOM and I had. I miss talking to him...It has taken a huge amount of strength to keep NC-some days I feel like I just have to talk to him again, and after dreaming lastnight of seeing him again, I have been thinking of emailing him..crazy I know, but the urge is so strong, I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I need to do it just to put closure on it...I feel we did not have that with the way things were left that night at the pub.

Aside from all this my H and I are doing pretty good-despite how I am feeling. We are continuing to read books together, go out on dates, marriage counselling, but things have not been the same- there is still a part of me that is not here with him, and I haven't said "I love you" in almost 2 years-because I don't feel like it's true. I feel I have done all the right things- I stayed when I wanted to run- I have maintained NC, and continue my own counselling for my own issues. I am in school, and am over my depressive episode....I can't figure it out!!

Well, I just needed to vent and share my experience so I don't feel like I have nobody to talk to-maybe someone out there can offer me some advice to help me move on from this? HELP!

Thanks for reading.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

flowergirl77 said:


> After sending that mssg to XOM, my husband called me from his office spitting mad, he found out that I called XOM (due to an anonymous Facebook message that said: "spoke with your wife she wants to meet up") I never found out who actually sent this message-it was either XOM or the one friend I told about this communication, and she denies it was her. To this day I don't want to believe it was him retaliating because I changed my mind, but I will never know for sure... so we had yet another DDay experience. *My H raged and carried on and it was only a 5 minute call!*


Are you _surprised_? You betrayed him... again.

Get into therapy to help you deal with the fallout from EA. Stop pining for someone who it's over and finito over with. You need to either focus on your marriage or get a divorce so your husband can be with someone who is true to him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

From your husbands view you are very much continuing contact. Because you are AND you are hiding it each tome from him. 

Don't you get that the number one hurtful thing to your husband has been your betrayal. He lost his trust in you and your continued lies etc have done nothing but reinforce his fears. 

You must never ever ever contact the OM in any way at all. 

You should also seek out both personal therapy to work through grieving for the end of your affair and also get into marriage counseling to rebuild your marriage 

At the moment your very lucky your husband is still with you at all. Many other men would have kicked you out after the night at the pub when you so blatantly lied to your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

This sounds to me like you're "checking all the boxes", so to speak, but not really doing the work -- ie, you go to MC and IC, but do not really talking through your feelings in sessions, but feel you've done the "right things" because you go... 

I think the "need for closure" is bull****, fwiw. Closure was "I am married, love my husband and want to repair my marriage; I will never contact you again, and you are not to contact me again". You want to feel the heart skip a beat again, be in his presence again, and hope that some fishing will occur to know that he "really does care for me the way I thought"... this same guy that felt compelled in his little hissy fit to anonymously FB msg your hubby when you betrayed him for the 3rd time (and btw how _dare_ you husband for getting angry at your betrayal -- the nerve of him!).

What do I think you should do? I think you should print out your post and bring 3 copies it to your next MC session - one for all of you -- and discuss what your hubby now wants to do. Which is probably have you pack your things and go, because he deserves at least a real, true effort and certainly better than what you are giving to him. You and your husband are not "doing pretty good"... you are emotionally not there with him. Is he there with you, or is he also holding back from the aftermath of your affair?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

one of the strange things my wife said during the first week after d-day was that even though she won't contact OM she felt she wanted closure with him. I simply told her that if she tries to have closure with him then she will definitely be having closure with me as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> At the moment your very lucky your husband is still with you at all. Many other men would have kicked you out after the night at the pub when you so blatantly lied to your husband.


:iagree:


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well of course the husband will be angry if you are continuing to see Mr. Perfect. 

A lot of us would have filed for divorce after the special goodbye ceremony at the Pub.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife engaged in an EA several years ago. I went for more than 3 years without hearing ILY from my wife. She, like you stubbed her toe and broke NC a couple of times. Like your husband, an ultimatum had to be delivered and she finally ended it. But it took a few days for her to accept that and make the phone call. It took a long time for her to get passed him. Our marriage survived during that period but didn't thrive. With time she emotionally reconnected with me and once that began our progress moved more quickly. It sounds as if you and H are in that limbo period as we were. Pining for 8 months doesn't surprise me but you can't fixate on it. Seek IC to work through this and get things back into perspective and do not give in to your desire to reach out to TOM. If you do, you will likely through everything you've worked for out the window. You must commit to this, it is the deal breaker for your husband. Your marriage hinges on it. I don't know exactly how long it took my wife to get him out of her head, and I am sure she still thinks of him from time to time. But it is over and done with and we have emerged a stronger couple for it. We are now 4+ years post D-day and are very happy in our marriage. I still carry anger in my heart but not at my wife, I've channeled that to TOM for his manipulation of her. A willingness to destroy a marriage regardless of who got hurt. Including my children. I would suggest you look at your TOM in the same light. After you had gone NC at your direction he continues to pursue even though he knows you are trying to recover your marriage. And you can bet your bottom dollar he was the one that sent the email to your husband. A snakey ploy to try to cause trouble so that you will turn back to him for support. He is a low life that you need to leave behind, that's what he deserves.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

"Need for closure" is a rationalization your pinning your need for a "fix" too. 

"I'll just have one drink"

lol.

and yes, of course OM contacted your H about your cancelled rendevous.

and you don't "want to believe it" ? lol. roflmao. 

Wake up. 

Stop wasting your time, your husbands hopes and dreams and your money on MC. If your not going to tell the truth, it's a joke. Nothing more than another excuse for you to ease your conscious with when your marriage fails. "I tried". Cut the sh*t, Your not trying.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Flower I have been tracking your threads from when you first started posting here and elsewhere..



> there is still a part of me that is not here with him, and I haven't said "I love you" in almost 2 years-because I don't feel like it's true.


How about starting to say to your husband you love him, the reason why you don't want to say it is because you are fantasizing about the OM .

Practice saying you love your husband as you will find you do and the meaning will follow. 

Your husband is angry because you are not putting in the effort and committing to him, yourself or your marriage and he knows this. 

Your a slab of meat for the OM , if I recall correctly you yourself said he was doing the same to another woman and I think he is married as well. A specialized philanderer. 

How about a bit of honesty with yourself.

The OM feels nothing for you, you are desperate to prove this wrong, guess what after he has used you, abused you, helped destroy your family he will move on---without you. 

You have been told numerous times you are a being used by him yet you and you alone insist on shining a torch for him and looking for a reason to contact him.

Your heart is not in the marriage because you are not allowing it to be, you are still committing adultery, you are still in the affair even though it is in your head. 

No amount of MC, IC or us telling you is going to stop this. You are dying to send a mail to the OM and meet him, that is what you want, you are desperate to to be proven right and want him to chase you. Big deal , what will you be sloppy thirds , fourths, fifths..choose a number the guy is a serial cheat and you know this. 

Time to throw yourself body mind and soul at your husband and family. The only way this will get better is if you kill the affair in your mind. 

I do not want to advertise another web site however, go to the Marriage Builders site, book a call with Harley , it is a paid for session and seek advice on what techniques to follow to restore the love in your marriage. They do not do MC they simply guide you through a process. Your marriage is far more important than messing around trying to recover on your own . Only you can change this , improve your marriage and more importantly restore the love and trust between you and your husband. Once you have started to work to a process and your love is returning then by all means go to a MC. 

Despite writing the above I am please you came back and have asked for a way forward, a good kick up the butt, radical honesty with your husband a strong dose of will power is needed right now. 

Hang in there , keep the NC, it can take up to two years to get out of this rut, you however have to do some serious work.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

You need to decide if you love your H and if you want to work through R and fight to rebuild your marriage. If yes, you have to focus on him/ you as a couple and quit thinking about the fantasy OM represents. I believe most people who go to AP and try to live a normal life aren't happy; the world they thought they had is just a fantasy. Marriage, unlike a fantasy, has kids, jobs, bills, and stress. My H and I have found we can make us a priority, but it takes a commitment from both of us. A secret life is like a drug addiction. I know you are in pain, my H was too, but you owe it to your H to commit or leave; he deserves all of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks to those of you for responding with helpful advice. That is why I posted on here-to get other perspectives on my situation.
The million dollar question is though: Do I WANT our MG to work? I have my doubts about this, as I have not felt very optimistic about us in a very long, long, while. Even before my EA..things were not good at all between us-and never really were.

So I am left with the question: Are we just not meant to be together? That what is holding me back from fully engaging into rebuilding my MG. Sometimes I think I want to experience single life, and to be on my own ( I have been in or out of a serious R since I was 15 yrs old.) Part of my wants to experience being alone with no R issues and baggage to deal with. I am jus burned out and exhausted honestly-and have nothing left to put into this MG other that what I have been.

It is probably right-that part of me that wants C with XOM is the part that wants to know that I meant something to him. He has not made any attempt to contact me directly at all, so I think..he probably has just forgotten about me, and it cheapens the whole thing I thought we had. I see myself as a very insightful and intuitive person, and I really felt there was some kind of connection there-being that sex or physical contact never occured-it was strictly emotional..which is probably harder to get over that if we had just had casual sex and moved on.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> So I am left with the question: Are we just not meant to be together?


It hard to answer this flower, I don't believe in marriage at all costs however I do say give it a fair shake. In your case because your mind is on the OM you are not giving it the best of you. 

Your innermost thoughts are on someone else and by that so are your emotions this in turn is depriving you and your husband of the best opportunity to recover your marriage. 

Often in private conversation I advise the wayward to learn to dislike the OM, to see then as they are: a predator on the marriage, as a person willing to break a marriage for their own selfish gain, a person willing to hurt their children. In some cases it helps in others not.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

my partner of 11yrs has being having an emotional affair i at first thought it was just a friendship but after a while i got a gut feeling that something just wasnt right, he started staying out late and then staying out all night coming home at 9-10am when i questioned him about this he said that this other person was just a good friend going through a bad patch and that he enjoyed her company........... oh yeah and another thing he said was that people needed other friends in their life and not just their partner there was no reasoning with him it was just like this person was a stranger to me, i asked was he having an affair only to be told .. no way dont be stupid we are just good friends.. i have friends company that i enjoy but dont stay out all night i told him there was and still is no reasoning if i said anything about this other woman he goes on the defensive about her and im like DUH whats going on here, anyway i gave him the choice of coming home as normal or going to meet his friend and arriving home at whatever time, it didnt work he still stayed out so i told him to leave, we have been seperated for 1mth now i have so many emotions running around in my head , hurt, betrayal, denial, anger, rage, anxiety, totally unsure and a lot more that i cant put into words, this person that has shared 11yrs of my life is like a total stranger and all because of a FRIENDSHIP or so i have been told only a friendship, at the moment i am totally devastated and am feel on the outside of this world looking in


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

marcat...order the book "surviving an affair" by Harley it gives you some pointers on what to do. In the interim go to the doctor , get some meds as the next step for most betrayed spouses is depression.

Sorry flower, a bit of a thread highjack


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

flowergirl77 said:


> Do I WANT our MG to work? I have my doubts about this, as I have not felt very optimistic about us in a very long, long, while. Even before my EA..things were not good at all between us.


I heard almost these exact words from my wife too. It took years for us to let our marriage decay to the level it did. It took years to bring it back to a good place. Don't give up on it. Patience will have an important place in your recovery. 



flowergirl77 said:


> So I am left with the question: Are we just not meant to be together? That what is holding me back from fully engaging into rebuilding my MG.


More than likely your lingering feelings for TOM are. He is what you are holding on to and doing that keeps you from taking your husband's had. My wife refused to say that was what was holding her back for so long, but once she let go things got much better for us both. 

Eli has a good point, you must recognize what this man is. He is not your knight in shining armor on a white steed, he is the crap that fell out of the horse's ass.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You are kind of all over the place, flower... can't get the OM out of your head, pining away for him; maybe just need to be on your own; not sure about your hubby. 

Seems to me that you ought to first remove OM from your everyday thoughts, first. Give your hubby some fairness, real effort -- maybe for a defined time period (3 months?), a real, honest-to-goodness effort, with no holdout for the single life or the OM or another new OM... just you & him, re-focused on your marriage. Heavy MC, with IC. if it shows promise, you stick around and give it time. If not, you go honest with him and leave him to a better future.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

2xloser said:


> You are kind of all over the place, flower... can't get the OM out of your head, pining away for him; maybe just need to be on your own; not sure about your hubby.


That's all smoke and mirrors. Gaslights.

She's not all over the place, all of this is one and the same. You know what "maybe I need to be alone means?".... Yeah. Exactly. Maybe I need a free pass from my contiuous to persue the fantasy Im holding tightly too. 

Same one she's protecting by outright refusing "to believe" he would betray her to her husband. Same relationship her "intuition and insight" told her was something special... By admiting it was exact what it was... dirty, cheap, & common. She admits her gifts of "intuition and insight" were wrong... She wants to prove them right.

The defintion of her "Alone" = "without husband". 

Don't buy any of this "poor me Im so confused, Hubby is "explosive" and abusive, Im trying so hard... Maybe I just need closure, wasn't "meant" to be, I don't know what I want" 

Bullsh*t, That's what it is. 

She knows what she wants and has for a longtime. Probably just scared to take a chance and go after it. She's looking for someone to talk her out of it, or a reason to talk herself into it.

Enough of the crap, no one gets the time your wasting back. Work on your marriage 110% or put your husband out of his misery and divorce him. What your doing is cruel and selfish.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Divorce probably is a good result in this scenario. 

It'll be better for your husband to be able to move on with his life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Flower--you said you're an intuitive person...that you want to know you meant something to OM...

So if you're so intuitive, you should see what's happened here: 

I will break it down for you this way-- 

I firmly believe a man's actions show who he is/what he wants.

The fact is, OM has blanked you from his life. And it sounds like HE is the one who contacted your husband stating you'd gotten in contact with him again (out of respect for your husband). That to me says everything. If he wanted to be in touch with you despite all odds, great romance fairytale, he would be.

He doesn't. 

You need to accept that and stop living in a fantasy. 

To me it sounds like the affair was exposed, OM felt guilty as hell and realizes he helped participate in betraying your marriage, the ultimate betrayal, and didn't want any part of your life or the situation thereafter. Or, maybe you were just a plaything for him. Harsh, but true. He got what he wanted and moved on. Find FindingMyWay's posts on here. He talks all about how he would go after married women just for gratification and once he was done, he'd move onto the next one. He loved it. He said he didn't care how it affected their lives/marriages/children, etc because that's not what he was about/cared about. In stroking your ego, OM prob got off on the fact that he could turn you away from your husband. A victory. And then he disappeared from your life once the reality didn't match the fantasy anymore. (Exposure will do that.)

You are SO lucky your husband is giving you 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances. Like someone else said, if he was osmeone else he would have left you and divored you already.

If you aren't sure you want to be married, just file for divorce. It's not fair to your husband at all what you're doing.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

ELL-ZOR thank you for the kind reply,possibly you are right about getting something off my doctor i havent slept properly since our break up i am still awake and up and about most nights until about 5am i get a couple of hours then the alarm goes off and its time to get ready for work, its a weird situation for me anyway as we have a biz together we have a restaurant-bar, at the moment we do opposite shifts so that we dont have much dealings with each other that was my idea i think im sure people think things are a bit strange at the moment with us, my partner hasnt told anybody about our split and neither have i and i reallly dont know if i should just tell the truth and get it out in the open or would that just be venting my anger and trying to get people on my side... re- staff, customers or do i just keep up the pretence,this woman was and as far as i know a customer of the bar she does not come in while i am there anymore, i think i am hijacking someones thread here sorry if i am


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

marcat said:


> i think i am hijacking someones thread here sorry if i am


You're new, no harm done. Please go to the forum you think fits your needs the best and click on ""New Thread" on the left side of the screen. I'll delete this post a little later. Thanks and good luck.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

RWB said:


> Oh Flower, you are a piece of work.
> 
> Hell yes he acted totally crazed. You are continuing the affair, betraying his trust.
> 
> Do him a favor and give him a divorce.



Do you think I haven't heard this advice before? If it was as simple as just 'giving him a divorce' that is the road we would have chosen. We have 3 children, and 10 years together, a home etc..it is not quite that cut and dry for most people I would think. That is why so many people try to repair the M and work through the difficulties. I have NOT continued the A, and have not had any contact with XOM since Jan 2 2010...I am just having difficulty moving past the after effects. But thanks for the great advice.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

flowergirl77 said:


> even though I have not seen XOM since November 2010 (DDay #2)...
> 
> Fast forward to January 2011... I spoke to XOM once during a brief moment of insanity-a mutual friend told me he misses me and just wants to talk he was worried about me, and wanted to know how I was doing... so I called him, suggested we meet for coffee. it was only a 5 minute call!





flowergirl77 said:


> I have NOT continued the A, and have not had any contact with XOM since Jan 2 2010...I am just having difficulty moving past the after effects. But thanks for the great advice.



Maybe the last one was a typo. You remember the exact date, though? What time was it? Do you remember that also? You are still having an Emotional Affair, in my opinion. You are pining away for this punk. Therefore, you are giving your emotional energy to him instead of your husband.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Most of the advice and insights so far have been bang on-I know it is messed up that I still think of this guy.. I know logically what kind of guy he must be to have pursued a married woman with children. I also have a pretty good idea it was him that emailed my H-but it wouldn't have been to do the right thing-it would have been to make my H kick me out, or to stick it to me for 'leaving him'. A mutual friend asked if he sent the message to my H and he denied it-of course.

All of this is neither here nor there- I know I am stuck in the past, and it is not doing us any good. I have also known all along, that XOM was never relationship material-he would have been fun for awhile, but it likely would have worn out-as he doesn't have all of the qualities that are important to me in a partner-as my H does.

I know my H is amazing for standing by me through all of this, and has really stepped up as a husband to try and repair all these years of damage we have inflicted on each other- and if I had one wish, it would be to erase XOM from my head!! Believe me- I really want to.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> Maybe the last one was a typo. You remember the exact date, though? What time was it? Do you remember that also? You are still having an Emotional Affair, in my opinion. You are pining away for this punk. Therefore, you are giving your emotional energy to him instead of your husband.


I remember the date because it was right after new Years-and yes I remember the time too..what difference does that make?

I agree I am giving my emotional energy to a fantasy that does not exist, and I want to change it-but how do you erase memories and feelings that haven't disappeared? They are still there no matter what I do and I hate it. How am I still in an EA if I am not having any contact with him? If you could explain your perception please?


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> I heard almost these exact words from my wife too. It took years for us to let our marriage decay to the level it did. It took years to bring it back to a good place. Don't give up on it. Patience will have an important place in your recovery.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL to your last comment. Although I do not like to refer to others with such hostility-I get your point.

My residual feelings for XOM are a factor, but what to do about that is where I am totally lost.It has been 7 months NC and I can't seem to move past this.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Divorce probably is a good result in this scenario.
> 
> It'll be better for your husband to be able to move on with his life.


Why do you suggest a divorce is the best option? At what point does one come to that conclusion...curious to know.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

flowergirl77 said:


> Why do you suggest a divorce is the best option? At what point does one come to that conclusion...curious to know.


You probably need to fall further down the rabbit hole before you can fully appreciate what you have now, before you realize what you have now is much better than continuing with the OM.

All this is theoretical. You might be brave enough to carry out the experiment.

And if you do, leave your husband and kids out of it.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

flowergirl77 said:


> Why do you suggest a divorce is the best option? At what point does one come to that conclusion...curious to know.


Read over your first post again. And you will answer your own question. When all a wife thinks about is the POSOM, and can't say "I love you" for two years? That's when you decide on divorce. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR HUSBANDS LIFE ON SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LOVE HIM. CONGRATULATIONS! you now know. You said you have three kids? What are they witnessing? A loveless marriage (at least on your part) . You are so concerned about your kids. What a wonderful example of a loving marriage. It would be better for them if you divorced. Rather then bringing them up in a love triangle. And don't tell me its not a triangle. You, your husband, and the posom. You admitted to thinking about him all the time. That my friend is a love triangle. It doesn't matter if you have sex with him. You are every bit a cheater as when you started the affair. If you don't agree with me, try a little experiment. Every time you think of him tell your husband. But that means telling the truth. I know your not big on that. Set him free to find the love he deserves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Flower I think a big part of the problem is you really haven't chosen to end it the OM and to put the same effort in to your family.

You are letting yourself pine for the fantasy. Let me guess you use your mutual friend frequency to hear about the OM?

You see you haven't gone full no contact. That means putting him and things connected with him out of your life.

You talk about the memory of him. What have you done to build new fresh memories with your husband? What shared experiences have you two had to grow together again?

NC doesn't just mean no talking or no texting it means completely removing the OM. Give that a try for a while, and at the same put you energy into your relationship instead of thinking about you you you and just maybe things at home will get better.

I read on another forum the idea of retraining your brain in the following way: every time you think about the OM, go do something special for your hubby. It could be a kind word, a hug, a cup of coffee, or something far more gun and intimate. This exercise trains your brain to see hubby as the special person again, the person you do kind and loving things for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

flowergirl77 said:


> I remember the date because it was right after new Years-and yes I remember the time too..what difference does that make?
> 
> I agree I am giving my emotional energy to a fantasy that does not exist, and I want to change it-but how do you erase memories and feelings that haven't disappeared? They are still there no matter what I do and I hate it. How am I still in an EA if I am not having any contact with him? If you could explain your perception please?


Remembering the exact date and time shows the importance to you.

You are in contact with OM. It may just be a one-way contact in your head, but you are still crazy about him. 

Read the link in my signature about Feed the good wolf. You are feeding the bad wolf (thoughts of OM) instead of the good wolf (good thoughts of your husband). Whenever OM pops into your head, try consciously thinking good thoughts about your husband. Or call your husband and tell him you love him every time OM pops into your head. Feelings follow actions. Love is a verb, not some whimsical feeling. Stop feeding the bad wolf and he will starve to death.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> and can't say "I love you" for two years? That's when you decide on divorce. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR HUSBANDS LIFE ON SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LOVE HIM. CONGRATULATIONS! you now know. You said you have three kids? What are they witnessing? A loveless marriage (at least on your part) . You are so concerned about your kids. What a wonderful example of a loving marriage. It would be better for them if you divorced.


Should my wife have taken that advice a couple of years ago then she wouldn't be with me now. The scenarios are similar and touch a chord with me. I can't say what my wife's thought process was when she went through this phase but she did stick it out and so did I. We recovered and came out stronger for it. As far as our case goes, yes I am sure the kids knew something was wrong but they also saw parents that had become very supportive of each other, spend large amounts of time together and who parented together as a team. Some things that were pretty scarce pre D-Day. If this couple is still trying, still going to counseling and there are no shouting matches or violence I wouldn't think it a waste of time to keep working at reconciliation. However, as I stated before, Flowers needs to take a hard look at what TOM is and move past that before she will properly reconnect with her husband.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Thanks to all of you who have taken the time to post me your honest thoughts. My H is flying home right now after being gone all week, and I am struggling with the question of weather or not I should lay it all out honestly for him? It will cause him more hurt-but I think he knows I have not returned fully to our MG...should I bring it out into the open-or just keep it to myself and talk to my counsellor?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Radical honesty is a fantastic first step followed by you doing everything to dump your fantasy of the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

flowergirl77 said:


> I am struggling with the question of weather or not I should lay it all out honestly for him? It will cause him more hurt-but I think he knows I have not returned fully to our MG...


Very likely he does know. Especially if you've not said ILY in two years. But being honest with him is the right course. I was aware through intuition that my wife was struggling with her emotional connection to me. We on occasion discussed it and she was straight with me about it. Did it hurt, yes. Did it make us give up, no.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Number 1 priority.

Get rid of mutual friend.

I can only imagine your discussions;
Complain about husband, pine for loser
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

I am sorry to be harsh, but i feel like you are torturing you poor husband. You need to sort out what you want and leave this poor man to have a good life and find someone who will love him and not treat him like this. Its so utterly cruel.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

The only way you can get rid of these thoughts of the OM is to completely flush him out of your life. Delete his number so you won't feel compelled to use it. The mutual friend is either on the side of your marriage, or out of your life. If they are on the side of your marriage, that means they do not speak of the OM no matter what the scenario. Avoid the places you used to go with him until the fog wears off. 

I really like the idea of forcing yourself to say ILY, or doing nice things for your H when you think of OM. It sounds ridiculous in the beginning, but it honestly works. I had to do the same with my husband a few years ago, when I felt like I was disconnecting. It really helps your brain reboot, and begin operating the way that it should. 

The bottom line is this guy is not what is making you crazy. The idea of someone who gives you butterflies, and sends you nice, and sometimes naughty thoughts. This is all the fog that is playing with your head. It is the addiction talking. Do you think drug addicts love the needle they stick in their arm, of course not. They are in love with the euphoria that comes with it. This guy is the needle. That is it. You say he isn't relationship type. Most guys that seek out married women aren't. It is a safe way for them to have a "relationship" without the relationship. He does not want you, he just wants the fun that comes without the strings attached. 

If you choose to be alone, it will not end well for you. We all know that translates to you leaving your H, and the first phone call made to you know who. He will then see you as strings attached and head for the hills. If he truly wanted you, he would make it happen. Not to be cliche, but he's just not THAT into you. Your H however is. Your children are in love with their family. You owe it to them to stand up for your family, and give it a fair shot. If you don't, then you will be the selfish coward in their eyes. Even if you get everything you want from this OM (which you won't), they will resent you forever. 

You know the right answer.. You knew it as you were typing this thread. You want people to reassure you one way or the other. That's fine, sometimes we all need a little encouragment, or shove in the right direction. If you truly attempt at R, by using the advice here, and really making effort, and not just going through the motions, and see that it isn't going to work out then so be it. But you are the only one who can make yourself try, not you husband, not your kids, and definitely not any of us. 

I believe that you can break this cycle in your head. I know that if you truly devote time to improving your M as well as yourself, then we will read an update one day that says how much you have overcome and that you are truly happy as a result. I wish you good luck!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Flower---have you really looked into the future

1st your lover---you know he is scum, for going after a married woman, with kids---for being a willing party to homewrecking

Don't be surprised if he was the one who sent the last message to your H---trying to move him into leaving you

Real bottom line---look at your future---what would it look like if you were single

You would be a single, divorced woman with 3 kids, and the label of cheater----you have no job, and would probably need to find 2, to make ends meet----you would now have 3 kids to also be responsible for, on your own---all the things you do as a couple you would now have to do as a single parent

As to guys ---what do you think is out there for you---maybe scum, like the guy who is trying to wreck your mge, even tho you ridiculously obsess over him----guys with baggage, guys who DON'T WANT RELATIONSHIPS, BUT DO WANT SEX---guys who want you to take care of them-----what's out there ain't so great----stick your H., in that mix---how does he stack up compared, to what's out there

Maybe, just maybe you need to start thinking of your kids, and H., instead of scum, that would willingly wreck the lives of your 3 kids


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Flower, I'll give you a different perspective.

You made a mistake with your EA. You should have fixed your M or divorced before getting a third party involved. But all of that is in the past.

Sit down and decide what YOU want. In an ideal world, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

If you WANT to keep your family intact, then put all your effort into it. If you don't want to make your marriage work, plan and work toward divorcing your husband, for your sake and his.

Having said that, you need to get over your xOM. Get into IC, whatever you need to do. And in either case, don't tell your H about what's in your mind right now.

If you will divorce him, he doesn't need to know you are still fixated unhealthily on your xOM. This will hurt him even more than you've done, and destroy his self-esteem. Most people here will tell you all about honesty, the truth, etc. But if you are going to divorce, why put salt on the wound?

If you are staying in your marriage, do so because you love your H, and you can honestly get your xOM out of your mind.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Hey Flower---have you really looked into the future
> 
> 1st your lover---you know he is scum, for going after a married woman, with kids---for being a willing party to homewrecking
> 
> ...


My H is 100000 times better than the guys you describe-I know that in my heart. You are spot on. Thank you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

flowergirl77 said:


> My H is 100000 times better than the guys you describe-I know that in my heart. You are spot on. Thank you.


But, how much better and exciting is the "XOM"?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her, hopefully ex-lover---who also hopefully will be out of her mind---is not better in any category

He was nothing more than a player---who preys on married women, who are safe, for him, if you don't want to be in a full out relationship

He is disneyland---there is no reality attached to him

He whispered sweet nothings in her ear, and told her what she wanted to hear------But

Did he ever help her pay one bill, did he ever help her with the dishes, the washing, set the table, run the kids around town, go to emergencies, go to family outings, that maybe were boring, try to make ends meet, do yard work----DID HER LOVER DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS------HE*L NO---he just tried to bust her out of her mge

Flower, when you want to think of your lover, sub in your 3 kids, going back and forth from home to home, sub in, you coming home tired as he*l at the end of the week, from working your butt off, just trying to stay even financially, as a single, it is unlikely in these times, you will ever get to put money away

Yah these things are mundane, every day life, but that is what life is all about---mge., ain't easy, actually nothing is easy, any more----and going off and being single, on your own, sure isn't gonna be easy

Think about your future----hopefully reality, will drive your obsession away permanently----

He was never anything more than one to whisper sweet nothing in your ear, and bring you down to his level, the level of scum, and filth


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

Hey flower

I remember your story very well from a year ago and the feelings that you have had for the OM your husband and your kids…

You have been living in limbo for a very long time and so has your husband and also your kids…I can really relate with how horrible being stuck in grid lock can be. From your husband’s perspective he seems to be standing up to this EA. I did the same and it is so difficult to stick to your guns and do what you promised the day you took your wedding vows. What makes it even more difficult is at the same time he has to deal with all his emotions at the same time. Sadness, depression, anger, trusts etc. I suspect you have many of the same feelings as well.

From what I gather in the way your post read your husband is a pretty ok guy. However he doesn’t meet your needs to well. My guess is you still love him weather you can admit it or not. I am willing to bet at one point you were a pretty great wife and mother as well.

You seem to still think about the other man often and the moments you shared over coffee at the office and the conversations that you both had. Made you feel good that someone could listen and maybe even sympathize about the things in your life that bother you. It is a fantasy…And by the way these things take a while to get over. Some talk about it as being as powerful as an addiction.

Now here it is over a year later since you first posted and the thing that has changed is your husband knows about the Om and has confronted you and him about it. A year ago you posted about being afraid to leave your life for the unknown. If I recall you often talked about how it would be difficult for you to provide for yourself and kids. You talked about the guilt that you feel for breaking up the family. I think at one point you even mentioned how horrible you feel about your choices.

So here is my observation a year later you are still focused on the same things. You don’t seem to be working towards a full recovery on your marriage and you don’t seem to be working on an exit strategy from your marriage. You don’t seem to be figuring whatever you need to out. Still worried about taking care of the kids and yourself. In this amount of time you could have gone back to school to get an education more than likely if it were an intensive study you would be done by now.

I know I was waiting for this eureka moment when my wife would want to reconcile our marriage or end it. She finally did. Are you waiting for your husband to end it? I think my wife was waiting for me to give up so that she could put some more blame on me. So about that eureka moment my guess it will never come. 

Flower it is time to try and figure this out. It will take a while and it will be difficult.

Since you are still at home and from what I gather you are trying for the kids. How about you really try.

Read the his and her needs books or any number of books out there about marriage. Try figuring out your needs and your husbands. At first maybe full fill some of his basic needs (love kindler and knock off the love extinguisher) in time he will reciprocate and fulfill your needs. When you’re ready talk about your needs together. Maybe even try the love dare on him. I will attest it is really tough to get through. Make the first move towards recovering your marriage even if you’re unsure if this is really what you want it will be tough. Things won’t be fixed over night or even a month from now. Talk to him...Get your feelings off your chest. Just be respectful and set up some ground rules. All these things will melt the walls and barriers you have both set up. Make the first couple of moves it will be worth it in the end. Weather the outcome is divorce or a happy marriage. It is time to evolve. Face your fears…Change….Focus on the good in your life.

I know things aren’t this simple but fantasy about your husband and your marriage and what it would take for you both to feel happy and secure and enthusiastic about being together and work toward this. You guys can recover from this. Get a therapist….Get marriage counselor….etc. Figure this thing out. You already tell us about how good of a guy he is. Wouldn’t it be ideal to fall in love with him again? Sounds way better than living in limbo and getting consumed about depressing thoughts of being stuck in a life you can’t control. 

Love is a choice.

Just my 2 cents worth
JAR


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