# I refuse to accept it



## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

I posted a few days ago about my husband dropping a bomb on me about divorce. After 7 yrs of marriage and with 3 kid's under the age of 7. I have come to somewhat understand why he feels this way. (this is hard to admit) I have a problem telling lies, nothing major IMO but enough to make him question what other things I lie to him about. I told him I am willing to do anything to try to change my behaviour including seeking professional help and being an open book to him (he can have all passwords, take responsibility of the money and finances, etc..) he laughed and said I will never change. He told me we should agree on divorce so it won't cost as much. I refuse to agree. I don't know if I'm kidding myself but I am hoping he will give me another chance.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Focus on changing you. He may care (and change his mind) -- or not -- but obviously that's his choice. Put together a plan for you and your children going forward in case he does intend to divorce you. You can make it more difficult but you can't stop him if he's serious. What you can do is be prepared.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

marriage is based on trust. he can't trust you. period.

start therapy as soon as possible. show him you can keep your promises.


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## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

I did not cheat on him


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What kinds of things do you lie about? Money? What you're doing with your time? Your job?


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## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

I lie about spending money mostly. I've also lied about not cancelling our hulu service. I've lied about who I tell our problems to. I never lie about work or the kids but I guess I understand why he's questioning that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell us about your lying about money. 

What things have you spent money on that you lie about? 

Have you caused financial hardship for your family? 

Do you have some money that you can spend as you wish?

How is money handled in your marriage? Are both of your pay checks deposited into a joint account?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I lie about spending money mostly. I've also lied about not cancelling our hulu service. I've lied about who I tell our problems to.


Its good that you've figured out what the issues are but it seems like you're still minimizing it.

I find it hard to imagine that anyone would consider dissolving a marriage with 3 small children unless this behavior had seriously eroded the relationship in one or more ways over a longer period of time.  I'd imagine he's been telling you for some time that this is a major issue and you weren't acknowledging what he was saying. Now you're finally recognizing that he wasn't joking about the ultimatum and now you're ready to listen. Its too bad it got to this point.

I agree with the other posters that getting some professional help would be a good idea but they're going to tell you is that the first step is both admitting what you did (all of it) and the severity of it.

I wish you the best in trying to save your marriage. I hope it hasn't gone so far that your husband isn't willing to try.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> I did not cheat on him


That is great but lying is a major thing. Deception: to mislead by a false appearance or statement; delude. Who wants to live with that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

sargon said:


> Your two threads are somewhat contradictory.
> 
> Reading your other thread makes me wonder if you're now lying to US.


Yes, your other thread you are sugar coating the truth or what is known as lying. The lying appears to be habitual/compulsive. Again, who wants to live with that?


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Do you want to save your marriage or your relationship with the father of your children?

Because I do not think those are the same things at this point, at least not any longer.

It sounds like he is done with you as a wife. You have effectively undermined the trust in the relationship to the point that he can no longer take it, ergo the divorce bomb.

Once you accept your responsibility on this point, which means recognizing that he has a legitimate reason to ask for a divorce, you can begin to rebuild that trust.

And the first step for rebuilding the trust in your personal relationship would start with agreeing to the divorce.

Fighting the divorce and making it a hostile process will only ensure that the rest of your lives' together, and because you have 3 children you will always be attached as parents, will be horrible.

Prepare yourself financially and emotionally (see professional help) and figure out a legal professional that can help process an amicable divorce.

Sounds like the marriage is over.

Work on salvaging your relationship as mother and father.


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## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

My spending has never impacted our obligations to paying bills and we are not in debt or anything to that extent. I am trying not to fight with him but I am telling him that I am not agreeing to divorce. I told him to do what he feels he needs to but that I will not stop trying to do anything I possibly can to save the marriage. I know I can not make him do anything I know I was wrong and pushed him to this by my actions. I am aware of the severity of the situation but I am truly hoping he will find an inch of live that he has left for me and us as a couple and give me a change to prove to him that I will do anything and everything. Maybe I am delusional but I just love him too much to agree to let it all end.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

The thing is with a liar you never know when they are telling the truth. Its hard to trust and that is the problem really. I have to admit i would not want to live with someone that cant tell the truth. One thing i cant abide is a liar.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not answer the questions. They are important. What things did you spend money on and then lie about? Why did you feel like you had to lie? Why was he even asking you about your spending?

Why did you lie about hulu.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not answer the questions. They are important. What things did you spend money on and then lie about? Why did you feel like you had to lie? Why was he even asking you about your spending?

Why did you lie about hulu.


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## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

I spent money on clothes and I lied about hulu bc I have shows on it I want to watch but my husband said it was a waste of money. I keep things from him because I don't want to upset him. Looking at it in his perspective I see why he is even more upset than if I told the truth.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> My spending has never impacted our obligations to paying bills and we are not in debt or anything to that extent. I am trying not to fight with him but I am telling him that I am not agreeing to divorce. I told him to do what he feels he needs to but that I will not stop trying to do anything I possibly can to save the marriage. I know I can not make him do anything I know I was wrong and pushed him to this by my actions. I am aware of the severity of the situation but I am truly hoping he will find an inch of live that he has left for me and us as a couple and give me a change to prove to him that I will do anything and everything. Maybe I am delusional but *I just love him too much to agree to let it all end.*


Here is the deal, if you love him too much the lying would not have been perpetrated. Why would lie about money spent? This makes very little sense to me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> I spent money on clothes and I lied about hulu bc I have shows on it I want to watch but my husband said it was a waste of money. I keep things from him because I don't want to upset him. Looking at it in his perspective I see why he is even more upset than if I told the truth.


The lies appear to upset him more. If Hulu was putting a strain on finances. Then so be it. Cut it off. As far as clothing...well...you need clothing. Time for your H to budget for that. But, he can only do that if you advise him you need to purchase clothing. Sometimes it is best to set up allowance for you both. That is your spending money. Buy whatever you like with it. No issues. No lies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, let's look at the hulu thing. Why is there a problem with you spending $8 a month on hulu? 

When he told you to close out hulu, did you tell him that you needed it for shows that you like?

Does he ask your permission every time he spends s penny on something for himself? 

Correct me if I am wrong. .. it sounds like he controls the money and you are not allowed to spend on yourself without his permission. Is this right?


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## BleedingHart (May 26, 2015)

He doesn't really control the money but I hardly make much so I feel I'd have to ok it with him and I don't want to hear no so I spend it anyways and then I lie because I don't want him to get upset that I spent money on something I don't really neef


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> He doesn't really control the money but I hardly make much so I feel I'd have to ok it with him and I don't want to hear no so I spend it anyways and then I lie because I don't want him to get upset that I spent money on something I don't really neef


Ah, the same type issue me and my W faced. However, she would not lie but would feel bad about spending it AND felt I would yell about it. This was in part true. We resolved that with allowance to spend as we see fit. 

Spend on what you do not need or spend on something your H says you don't need? Big difference here.

I'm getting the feeling this is not about lies. It is about a H who needs to take a deep breath and figure out how to handle finances correctly. As of right now you appear to be nothing but an expense to him and the lies are just a good answer as to why he wants a D.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BleedingHart said:


> I spent money on clothes and I lied about hulu bc I have shows on it I want to watch but my husband said it was a waste of money. I keep things from him because I don't want to upset him. Looking at it in his perspective I see why he is even more upset than if I told the truth.


You lie to avoid confrontation. 

You should ALREADY be in therapy to figure out why that is.

Are you?

If not, you have little right to contest the divorce.

That said, on the outside chance, have you checked his phone records to see if he's contacting another person a lot?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> I posted a few days ago about my husband dropping a bomb on me about divorce. After 7 yrs of marriage and with 3 kid's under the age of 7. I have come to somewhat understand why he feels this way. (this is hard to admit) I have a problem telling lies, nothing major IMO but enough to make him question what other things I lie to him about.


Wow. A WOMAN got the kick in the gut. It usually doesn't work that way. It's all the same. "I knew what I was doing but didn't know it was that bad". This is a confusing moment for me.



BleedingHart said:


> I told him I am willing to do anything to try to change my behaviour including seeking professional help and being an open book to him (he can have all passwords, take responsibility of the money and finances, etc..) he laughed and said I will never change. He told me we should agree on divorce so it won't cost as much. I refuse to agree. I don't know if I'm kidding myself but I am hoping he will give me another chance.


Ouch. You got the bad part of it as well. Too little, too late. 

Welcome to the club honey. I don't know how this will play out. This role reversal is too much to wrap my little male mind around. But if it holds the pattern, it's time for one of you to be looking for apartments. 

This post really messed with my head. If it were left gender neutral, I would have bet EVERYTHING this was a man posting.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I just read the title of the thread again. You'd BETTER accept it, or life will get really hard for you over the next few years.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

BleedingHart said:


> I've lied about who I tell our problems to.


Let me look into my crystal ball...

...I see many *men* you have told your problems to. Not many women.

Am I close?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There seems to be more to this than meets the eye. A man doesn't simply come home and announce divorce after 7 years also when he has three young kids.
Either there is something else going on or you are not being forthright with the real issues in your marriage. You lie which is something that will undermine many marriages due to the trust issue but is there more?


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