# Stepdaughter is the "other woman" in my marriage



## Lostinlove2018

My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years. He has one child, a 40 year old daughter with a husband and two children of her own. I knew when we got married that he was very close to his daughter. After we got married and did wills, he left everything to her and named her as his power of attorney. He talks to her on average I would say 5 times per day, not including texts. He asks her opinion on absolutely everything from health questions to where the best place is to buy an appliance. He shares his work day in much more detail with her, and spends every Sunday afternoon with her. Our marriage is in jeapardy, as he is unhappy and says that we aren't partners. On Christmas morning, he called me from his daughters house (he always spends Christmas Eve night at her house). He asked if there was a gift certificate on the table by the tree. He had meant to give it to his daughter when we exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve and forgot. I found an envelope and looked inside to see if it was a gist certificate. It was a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax. I was horrified. I didn't say anything to him about it. He would have never known to buy that for her unless she asked. It just seems to me that it is a little too intimate for a daughter to ask her dad for that, and that emotional boundaries are too blurred. And what dad would feel comfortable buying that? I don't think there is any type of physical relationship, but am I right in feeling that this is just not a healthy relationship? Or am I too critical?


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## minimalME

Was this the way it was when you were dating your husband?


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## Lostinlove2018

I knew they were close but I didn't realize the extent until my husband and I were actually living together after we got married. I didn't know he called her every night after he got into bed to tell her goodnight. I didn't know they talked back and forth even while he's at work. I didn't know she would just come and go as she pleases in our home without us knowing. There was a lot I didn't realize. But I have never seen anything even close to the Brazilian wax. Gift certificates for a pedicure would be the closest thing.


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## sokillme

Sorry but bail, that is so wrong. Does this women's husband know?


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## Lostinlove2018

I have no idea if he knows about the gift certificate.


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## MrsHolland

Have you posted this "story" before?


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## Lostinlove2018

No I haven't posted this story before.


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## Lostinthought61

as a father of 4 girls i have to say that he gives me the creeps...i would never ever think to do something like that...this is beyond weird.

just by chance your not married to woody allen are you?


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## MJJEAN

He's not going to change his (creepy) relationship with his daughter, so your choices are to take it or leave it. Personally, I'd leave it.


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## Satya

Mega creepy.


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## Diana7

His relationship with his daughter is not normal. Talking to her many times a day, asking her opinion about everything, calling her to say good night, and telling her all about his life instead of you seems weird. Its as if she is the wife. No wonder he doesn't feel close to you, he is treating her as his wife not daughter. 
Presumably you have talked to him about this?What did he say? 
I can only suggest that you both go to see a good MC and hope that she or he manages to convince him that this isn't healthy. His daughter has never cut the ties to her dad that she should have done when she married.

Can you give a little background. Where is her mum? Who bought her up?


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## Rhubarb

I have to come down a bit on the other side of this. My wife of 46 is super close to her father. She talks to him on the phone every day, sometimes several times a day. He calls every night at 10:00 to say goodnight. We spend many holidays at his house. We are there every new years eve and many other holidays. Her mother is disabled and she will spend the whole day helping to take care of her at least once a week. While he's never given her a gift certificate for a Brazilian hot wax, I really wouldn't care if he did. I really don't find anything "creepy" about it. It's not like he's in the room with her when she has it done. It's not a sex toy. Maybe she simply wants to look good in a bikini. This kind of judgmentalness is found more often in America and a few other Western countries.

That being said maybe there is a problem in your marriage. Maybe he doesn't spend enough time with you or pay enough attention to you. Are you not invited to his daughters house on Christmas eve? Does he specifically exclude you in family gatherings or do you just choose not to go? Keep in mind you have been married to him for 3 1/2 years. He has had is daughter for 40. 

As for the assets it sounds like neither of you are spring chickens. Do you have children of your own? Do you have any assets of your own built up. There are a lot of variables here. 

In any case, I assume you have no kids together so if you can't reconcile maybe you should go your separate ways.


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## arbitrator

Lostinlove2018 said:


> My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years. He has one child, a 40 year old daughter with a husband and two children of her own. I knew when we got married that he was very close to his daughter. After we got married and did wills, he left everything to her and named her as his power of attorney. He talks to her on average I would say 5 times per day, not including texts. He asks her opinion on absolutely everything from health questions to where the best place is to buy an appliance. He shares his work day in much more detail with her, and spends every Sunday afternoon with her. Our marriage is in jeapardy, as he is unhappy and says that we aren't partners. On Christmas morning, he called me from his daughters house (he always spends Christmas Eve night at her house). He asked if there was a gift certificate on the table by the tree. He had meant to give it to his daughter when we exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve and forgot. I found an envelope and looked inside to see if it was a gist certificate. It was a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax. I was horrified. I didn't say anything to him about it. He would have never known to buy that for her unless she asked. It just seems to me that it is a little too intimate for a daughter to ask her dad for that, and that emotional boundaries are too blurred. And what dad would feel comfortable buying that? I don't think there is any type of physical relationship, but am I right in feeling that this is just not a healthy relationship? Or am I too critical?


*I don't give two hoots in hell who the other woman is, since he's this damned brazen and flippantly disrespectful of you, his wife, you absolutely need to lose his sorry a$$, and the sooner the better!

Get yourself an immediate appointment with a good, "piranha" family-law attorney who will give him something else to think about other than being the beneficiary of Brazilian waxes and will zealously take delight in hauling his sorry a$$ to the cleaners for you!

He's not a husband ~ he's a virtual creep! Woody Allen would be so proud!*


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## EleGirl

How long did you date him before you married him?


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## Diana7

Rhubarb said:


> I have to come down a bit on the other side of this. My wife of 46 is super close to her father. She talks to him on the phone every day, sometimes several times a day. He calls every night at 10:00 to say goodnight. We spend many holidays at his house. We are there every new years eve and many other holidays. Her mother is disabled and she will spend the whole day helping to take care of her at least once a week. While he's never given her a gift certificate for a Brazilian hot wax, I really wouldn't care if he did. I really don't find anything "creepy" about it. It's not like he's in the room with her when she has it done. It's not a sex toy. Maybe she simply wants to look good in a bikini. This kind of judgmentalness is found more often in America and a few other Western countries.
> 
> That being said maybe there is a problem in your marriage. Maybe he doesn't spend enough time with you or pay enough attention to you. Are you not invited to his daughters house on Christmas eve? Does he specifically exclude you in family gatherings or do you just choose not to go? Keep in mind you have been married to him for 3 1/2 years. He has had is daughter for 40.
> 
> As for the assets it sounds like neither of you are spring chickens. Do you have children of your own? Do you have any assets of your own built up. There are a lot of variables here.
> 
> In any case, I assume you have no kids together so if you can't reconcile maybe you should go your separate ways.


Your FIL is another example of a parent who hasn't let his child go. I have three lovely adult children all in their 30's who I have a very good relationship with. if I did what your FIL did they would think I had lost my mind. I let them go when they left home in their 20's. Sometimes children can become a surrogate husband or wife which is why I asked the op about her husbands first wife. the girls mother.


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## Rhubarb

Diana7 said:


> Your FIL is another example of a parent who hasn't let his child go. I have three lovely adult children all in their 30's who I have a very good relationship with. if I did what your FIL did they would think I had lost my mind. I let them go when they left home in their 20's. Sometimes children can become a surrogate husband or wife which is why I asked the op about her husbands first wife. the girls mother.


Sorry but you aren't the final say in family dynamics. You are trying to tell me there is some problem with my extend family even though nobody here as a problem. That makes no sense. If you have a good relationship with your adult children then bully for you. Others have good relationships too that don't follow your model. In some countries three or even four generations may live in one house. The problems arise when people have different ideas of what's acceptable which appears to be the case with the OP's marriage.


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## Lostinlove2018

Diana7, my step daughter is close to her mom. My husband and her mom divorced when she was about three years old. But they stayed together until the daughter was about 13. After that, it is my understanding that the mom had primary custody until the daughter was in high school. The mom had some trouble with the daughter at one point and she went to live with my husband. When my husband and I met years ago, she was living with her mom, but shortly moved in with her boyfriend, now husband. My husband remarried when she was around 21 years old, but it only lasted for a year. Then he was single for about 15 more years until we got married. We dated for over a year, but had known each other for many years.


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## Limerantic

I would not worry so much about the gift certificate. It's not that weird for some people. It's not as if he's actually waxing her bikini line himself.

What I'd be more worried about is why he doesn't feel close to you. Unfortunately, issues with extended family are very hard to iron out without professional help (I have the same issue with my wife). What's normal for you, isn't normal for him. You both need to realise that and work around it.

If it's any help, I am close to my parents and sister. I visit my parents every 2 weeks and phone them once a week if I haven't visited. My wife thinks this is excessive (she is not close ot her fmaily, sees her brother once a year and her parents maybe 6 times a year). We made a compromise that I would take our son to visit my paretns, and she doesn't have to come along. It works most of the time. But If I was calling my parents more than few times a week, I would start to think this is excessive, but that is just my viewpoint. Each family dynamic is different and you shouldn't judge yours or your husband's contact against what other people do.

Phoning his daughter to say goodnight is weird though, in my book. Every night.


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## Diana7

Lostinlove2018 said:


> Diana7, my step daughter is close to her mom. My husband and her mom divorced when she was about three years old. But they stayed together until the daughter was about 13. After that, it is my understanding that the mom had primary custody until the daughter was in high school. The mom had some trouble with the daughter at one point and she went to live with my husband. When my husband and I met years ago, she was living with her mom, but shortly moved in with her boyfriend, now husband. My husband remarried when she was around 21 years old, but it only lasted for a year. Then he was single for about 15 more years until we got married. We dated for over a year, but had known each other for many years.


Ok I thought that may be the case. He seems to have made her his surrogate 'wife' for 15 years before you met when he was single. He has gone to her with his problems and questions and got his emotional needs met through her all this time. This is very common these days, especially with so many single parents living with their child or children with no partners/opposite sex parent. 
I am not sure what you can do except to address the issues with him and make sure you both see a MC who will hopefully enable him to see that this is not healthy behaviour. He needs to begin to focus on you as his wife more, and less on his daughter who is middle aged herself and married with children!!! Whether he will see what has happened and make the changes needed is another matter. 

To be honest it was a red flag that you ignored, but hopefully he will begin to give you as his wife day to day priority.


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