# I need change



## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

I'm not ready to go into details yet, as this is my first post in an online forum of this type. I find it difficult to see this taking place, but I need a change. It is a post many years in the waiting. I'm not sure where to start, even after reading for hours on various TAM and other NMMNG forums. 

I've started reading more on the nice guy type forums for my own benefit, but I only see my marriage/relationship ending to escape the situation if I'm to be a man again. And I feel guilty for the failure. I suppose this is more about my personal recovery, whatever that may be, at this point. 

My spouse has repeatedly said that I'm a door mat and always will be, so I'm to get over it because it's my place in life, and that we all have one. Over the many years she's worn me down. Her affection always dependent on me increasing my workload to maintain the house inside and outside; except the finances for which she maintains an iron grip. I'm the all around fix-it and clean-up guy and I also take care of her parents who live in our house. She's the corporate travel queen with good compensation: extensive wardrobe, frequent parties (without me), personal vacations, and an intolerance for criticism. I'm extremely careful about what I say or do when she's around, even in public because she will lash out when least expected, even to other people. In her own words, she has little tolerance for stupidity. She's threatened to destroy me financially, professionally and personally and says that there's nothing I can do to prevent it because she is a woman and men are always guilty.

I would say that she's narcissistic (I researched this behavior) and know for sure that she has been unfaithful for years. Should I notify the other spouses? Where do I start? I feel a need to change or die. My challenge is when to start, where to go, and what to do? 

I have no friends (my wife rejects anyone I mention or try to meet), I've neglected my family (my wife's insistence and they hate her a well) and I feel very trapped. So much for my commitment and manliness. 

There's more to this situation that I'm not willing to share due to embarrassment. I suppose that this post is my way to find an escape. Feel free to move this post to where ever is most appropriate. I picked this place because getting free of my marriage is so important at this time that I started here.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

d00rM4t said:


> I'm not ready to go into details yet, as this is my first post in an online forum of this type. I find it difficult to see this taking place, but I need a change. It is a post many years in the waiting. I'm not sure where to start, even after reading for hours on various TAM and other NMMNG forums.
> 
> I've started reading more on the nice guy type forums for my own benefit, but I only see my marriage/relationship ending to escape the situation if I'm to be a man again. And I feel guilty for the failure. I suppose this is more about my personal recovery, whatever that may be, at this point.
> 
> ...



You are not alone. Many are dealing w/ similar situations myself included. I'm leaving my wife becsuse she
lacks respect for me, has some serious personality issues (BDP?) and she had an EA/PA while we were 
separated lasr yr. Sounds to me like u need to man up and break free from her. You dont have to live this
way the rest of your life. Try to get evidence of her cheating to help u in court if she wants to ruin you like
she says. She's abusing you emotionally. Any kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

1st step, call up your mom, dad, brother or sister and just say hi, I need help and I'm sorry for excluding you guys out of my life for so long.

Family is family, even through everything in the end blood is almost always thicker than water. Reach out to them.


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## pinklily3 (Apr 3, 2012)

To me this sounds like an abusive relationship, and it doesn't matter that she's a woman, she's the abuser and she cannot get away with it. In some states it is legal to record your conversations as proof in a court of law. Don't let her have power over you, as a human being, she as no right to control you. If you are unhappy, then you are right, you need to get out. I agree that you should call your family up, when my husband told me he wanted a divorce I called my sister whom I hadn't talked to in years, and the first words out of her mouth were "I'll support you in whatever you choose to do." This may not be the case with everyone but I think it's worth a shot. You can get out of this, you are not powerless, and you deserve happiness and love, as well as respect.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

***** slap her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

doormat, even if you have no success at changing your niceguy ways, if your are going to be a doormat atleast find someone worthy of having a good doormat... Step 1) stop doing things for her immediately, do things for you 2) call around for lawyers and get some quotes to draw up separation agreement 3) separate your finances 4) if you know there is infidelity and you have decided you won't live with a cheater (and it sounds like you know this to be the case) then definitely inform the AP's SO. 5) start looking for a new place to live - ideally when you found out about her infidelity you should have kicked her out, and also if you have children that may still be the better route, but if no kids and she is going to put up a fight over it just leave (seems like the easiest).

You will be fine, better off even, without her but since you are a NG like me you will feel like a failure - realize you are not the one giving up, she is the one that never was really in was just using your fine qualities. I know exactly the worn out feelings you are talking about, in my case when my W said she wanted divorce and I knew it it felt like she was a vampire that sucked my dry and was just in the process of discarding me. (my ex was the opposite of yours though, not a "narcissist" more like "histrionic")

Good luck, you will find yourself much better off when you have shed that leech from your life, however you will still be at the start of your recovery, rest assured that with her not still wounding you atleast you will start to heal and life will gradually but eventually go the right direction again.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

We have no kids. When we were dating and over the years it had been discussed, but she always complained about screaming kids when were out and my family's kids when they used to visit years ago. When she told me that kids only take away from her personal time and money, I knew that we would never have kids together because I didn't want to be the sole supporter when I already do so much else around the house.

My wife has a saying: "it's all about me" and even has the t-shirt. And I was told that the quicker people learned that about her, then the better they would get along with her, including me. She doesn't make apologies for her behavior and isn't afraid to tell other people this about her.

I've started a journal and listed those things about her and my stomach goes into knots when I read the growing list. I'm also making a list about myself, but feel a need for guidance and hope to get some personal counseling at some point. I'm not going to post either list on this open forum, so please don't ask.

My wife now makes considerably more income than I did when employed, and I'm in-between jobs. But, my income was respectable when I was employed. We basically lived off my income and she banks hers into her retirement and savings accounts. Yeah, I get it that I'm unemployed now and therefore the income disparity is huge. However, it is highly unlikely that I will ever have an annual salary as much as hers is now. Our income disparity wasn't always so great. I supported her while she went to school full-time when we first got married, and during her first few jobs. Since then, I have passed up opportunities in order to maintain the house and her parents while she developed her current career over the past decade. 

This leads me to some things burned into my memory and one is her telling me that she can never respect a man that earns less than her because men always have the advantage in the workplace. When I asked if that included me, she snorted that I don't get it and walked away, which is a typical response from her. Then I got the usual cold shoulder again for a few weeks as punishment. But, that is still better than being called stupid or a doormat. I remember her telling me that she will do whatever it takes to break free of the glass ceiling and I discovered this means using physical assets to her advantage. She is a good looking woman, not model beautiful, but she has learned to use her assets to her advantage. She is quite a different from the shy girl when we first met many years ago. An example is her travel attire, which is very different than when she is home. This includes intimate lingerie and what I would consider "club" attire that would be inappropriate in any of my work environments. When questioned on this, I was told that she likes to feel sexy when in the presence of the other executive men and that it puts her in a position of power. There's more, and I could go on, but you get the point. 

Lately, with my unemployment, her attitude towards me has become much less respectful and her external activity either more brazen, or I've got more time to think about while home. This is despite the additional work I've done around the aging house, finishing repairs and remodeling projects that have been on the back burner that would come at a high cost if someone else were paid to do the work. It is additional work from my normal household responsibilities of maintenance, cleaning, and cooking. 

I want to get away because of the disrespect and infidelity and I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don't have proof of infidelity in photo's or video, but I can check off almost every list item on the numerous signs. She uses her company owned car, cell phone, and laptop almost exclusively for communication and travel, so accessing those resources are difficult and probably illegal anyway. However, there are the gifts from other men: flowers, expensive sweets, jewelery, wine, even clothing. She just says the gifts are from good friends and this is normal in the corporate world. I wonder what those other men wife's would think about these gifts? As you probably surmised, our relationship has been sexless for many years. And to my discredit or otherwise, I've remained faithful despite opportunities. I feel that if I need to cheat on my wife, then why be married? I'm not an athlete, but I'm not fat either. Manual labor around the house has helped with weight control. Then again, I'm not as buff as I was twenty years ago. My wife describes me as "just another balding, middle-aged, white guy." Regardless, I wouldn't have sex with my wife now if she threw her naked body on me. All I can think of is the possible STD's. 

After lurking in these and other related forums it is my decision to end what I feel is an unhealthy relationship (unhealthy for me anyway) and move on with my life. I don't see a way for me to fix this relationship and my wife has refused marriage counseling because "she will never talk to a shrink" and she feels that there is nothing wrong. I mentioned personal counseling for myself and she told me that if I had mental problems to find a book at the library for help.

What is there for me to do for preparation? I expect the worst from my wife. When I complained about something in the past, she told me that I could leave at anytime if I didn't like the way things were, but that I couldn't take anything with me. When I didn't respond immediately, that is when she threatened to destroy me if I did decide to leave. So, I could leave, but she would destroy me. I submitted, but now I want to break free. 

I'm going to keep writing in my new journal, try to reconnect with family (making new friends will have to wait), find a job with benefits, get a lawyer, and prepare for divorce. This also includes: a new bank account, cash, my own credit card, a safety deposit box, a postal box, storage, and a place to live. What I see as my challenges include: her iron grip on the joint finances and bills (e-mail and text alerts on any account changes), a mother-in-law that reports everything that I do while she is gone, only one car between us (she does have a company car), and I have no friends for help. I would appreciate any advice on this preparation.

I also promise shorter posts on this forum in the future. Thanks for letting me vent. I need to get back to finding a job.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Door, RUN don't walk to the nearest exit!

Would your family want to help rescue you from this situation and possibly help out with legal fees? You may even be entitled to some support money from her since she makes more than you did while you were employed.

Reach out to family right away. Tell them that you now see what a terrible mistake you made allowing this she-devil to poison your mind and drive a wedge between you and your family and now you see her for what she really is and you want OUT!

She sounds like a real shrew. 

Thank god there are no children in this unholy union.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Dude,

Why are you with this woman?

You are a MAN. If anyone on this planet has the power to do what they want IT IS YOU!!!

She can't destroy you with out destroying herself. 

I get the feeling she earns more. So it is all hollow threats. Take her to the cleaners. 

Do it for all those men who got screwed over in divorce.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

Today I see a lawyer, the first hour is free. I looked one up on the ADAM list. I'll probably check out a one or two more lawyers and would appreciate any suggestions for screening them. 

While there are no kids involved, my wife's income level is much more than mine; certainly now that I'm in-between jobs. And her control over the finances has me worried. So, this may not be the best time for me to end this marriage and I may have to postpone until after securing decent employment. 

In order to keep her happy (less *****y), I'd given up control over pretty much everything because of her demands. I do have access to the joint accounts and my card and IRA information. However, she has access to all of the financial accounts (logins, etc) and a credit monitoring service that she established for herself to monitor both our credit, although she didn't give me access. 

This adds another challenge for me to get my own credit card (all mine are secondary to her accounts). She gets text and email alerts anytime I use one of my credit cards or perform a bank transaction (deposit, withdrawl, anything). I don't get any of these alerts. She has been gone on business and texted me about purchases, even though she told me to buy something. I feel that it was only to remind me that she is watching. My spending has always been frugal. I buy used when possible and new when practical. She just wants to control the finances and told me it was my responsibility to keep the house in shape. In the past I asked to share the bill paying and she didn't say no outright, but told me that is her responsibility and I need to stay focused on my home maintenance. Actually, she got furious in the past when I opened some credit card bills that had her name on them, while she always opens all of my mail. So now I don't touch any mail that has her name on it, even when addressed to both of us. It just became easier that way. Yeah, a major FU, but that's why I'm here. 

So, I see two big challenges to bring up with the lawyer: the wife's financial control and her live-in mother that reports to my wife on everything that I do around the house. Basically, I feel trapped.

I regret the mistake of allowing her parents to move into the house with us. It was one of my many mistakes in order to be less confrontational and avoid repercussions from my wife.

It's off to the lawyer now.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

What are other peoples thoughts on what Dr. Phil says about divorce? 

Last night I read on the Dr. Phil website that _"you know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."_ 

Well, I feel a variety emotions at different times and don't ever see my wife and I looking at each other in the eyes with a feeling of peace or resentment, especially after I file for divorce. I feel angry at myself, my wife is who she is and I don't ever see her changing. I'm frustrated at myself for getting into this predicament and I hurt inside for being such a fool. But, I intend to seek guidance in an effort to change.

My marriage was to be the journey of a lifetime with my wife as a partner, lover, and friend. Well, the lover and friend left me and the partnership was changed into an owner/worker relationship. I could dwell on my bad decisions and messed up marriage/relationship. Or I can see this process of divorce as the start of my new journey in life. However, Dr. Phil is respected in his field.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

doormat, your problem is with yourself not with your W. You expect her to be different than she is and because of your conflict avoidance and need for acceptance you thought that by suprressing your needs you could get her to change. She is showing you who she is, and if you loved her and wanted to be with her exactly as she is you would not feel the need to divorce her. If your problem was her then you would know the right thing was to not have married her or if she changed then to have let her go from your life when it was clear she wasn't going to meet your relationship needs. It seems to me that the case is she ISN'T meeting your needs and you have been too afraid to tell her, you need to learn how to overcome that fear in order to put the ball in her court, and if she doesn't believe you or is not willing to address those needs, if you decide you can't stay in the relationship then you can divorce her knowing that you are walking out the door without anger or hurt like Dr. Phil says.

The thing about divorce though is that it is almost always unilateral, meaning the divorcee is usually surprised, hurt and feeling betrayed, however when you are ready it will not be just about her or your fear of hurting her or losing her approval, it will be about letting her go so she can grieve and suffer and move on eventually...

The thing about the one left behind is they always have unanswered questions because whatever process the one walking went through to come to terms with their decision is what disconnected them from their spouse's reality. You need to come to grips with your unmet needs and confirm whether or not she is truly unable to try working with you on them before you will feel ready to divorce her.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

My first lawyer visit didn't go as expected. He wanted to know right away how much in assets we had, I do have a spreadsheet started after reading about it online and he was concerned about her control of the finances and my mother-in-law always being home, because she could call my wife or the police if I left with anything. He asked about infidelity and if I had any proof. I told him no proof, but all signs point to it. He told me to get a PI if I needed proof, otherwise it wouldn't make too much difference in the end. Only because I am the one leaving and I'm only looking to split the assets equally. I asked about the courts favor towards women and he acknowledged that in this area that is true, but there are signs that this is changing due to changes in the social structure and with so many men out of work now. He would like to pursue this as an example to the court, but I just want a fair split and a good lawyer to help ensure that there is a fair splitting of our assets. He also told me not to follow her around or use any type of computer monitoring or location tracking device because it could be construed as stalking. I was told not to use a voice recorder when other people are present and only when she is talking directly to me alone, but that it would may be helpful to record her verbally attacking me and calling me names. I also supposed to keep up any work or responsibilities around the house. And finally, he wanted half of his estimate for the divorce cost up front via credit card or in cash for a retainer. He also recommended that I get a job and find a way to get a few grand in savings before pursuing a divorce. In his words, "you've been living with it for some time now, what's another year going to hurt?" I'm going to get a second opinion.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

Lon,

Thank you for the reply, but I'm confused. Help me to understand why it my fault that I don't want to live with a woman anymore who is seeing other men, tells me I'm a door mat, calls me stupid in public, and has absolutely no desire for me sexually (I believe repulsed was the word she used recently)? Yes, I fully expect her to be different than the way she treats me now. I'm sick and tired of this crap. 

I can see where it's been my fault for accepting the behavior from my wife, but she wasn't always this way, at least openly. I also intend to seek professional guidance in changing my own behavior, unfortunately my wife doesn't want to have any involvement. She has repeatedly refused marriage counseling and is quite happy the way things are now. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my wife has already told me to leave if I don't like marriage, as she has come to define it (and yes, I came to accept it). I don't want to live with that woman anymore. Period.

I'm still confused with your response as it relates to my situation and how Dr. Phi can say that both persons need to be at peace with the divorce decision. I'm never going to be at peace with my current situation and my wife has already told me that she isn't going to apologize for her behavior. In my wife's previous comments to me, I'm free to walk away from this marriage at anytime with nothing, but then she is going to make me pay for that decision by ruining me financially, professionally, and personally. Help me to understand where she is ever going to find peace with this divorce?

I've lived under this threat for a long time and her behavior towards me has gotten progressively worse. And looking back after reading for hours on end in these marriage forums, why not? I keep accepting whatever she does. That sucks. At this point, she needs me to take care of the house and her parents so that she can continue a lifestyle outside of this household. Using my wife's own words, this time "it's all about me."

Again, if you could help me better understand where I'm wrong in this decision, I'm willing to listen. But, now I'm going to mow the lawn and blow off some steam.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you make copies of her bank statements and other financial documents? You should start protecting yourself financially before letting her now, or else any(if) financial document in the open will likely disappear and you likely wont receive any spousal support.

Just to add, she is f'kn crazy. Im sorry for you.


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## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

You must read that website ASAP if you have not. Not to fix your marriage but to fix yourself and gain some understanding of why your marriage went so terribly wrong. Also, it will help you get your balls back with or without the nazi.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

d00rM4t said:


> What are other peoples thoughts on what Dr. Phil says about divorce? ....that _"you know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt._


Doormat, as an initial matter, Dr. Phil is not licensed to practice psychology in any State. That is, he is not a licensed psychologist. See Everyday Psychology: Is Dr. Phil actually a psychologist?.

As to his advice of staying in a toxic marriage until you can walk out without any frustration, anger, or hurt -- that is absolute nonsense. Most men do not become trapped in a toxic relationship with BPDers and narcissists because, when the controlling and abusive behavior starts showing, they walk away. Hence, nearly all the men who marry such women and remain in the relationships for years are excessive caregivers like you and me. 

For us "fixers," we become stuck in those relationships for years because we mistakenly believe that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can fix the relationship and restore our spouse to that wonderful person we saw at the beginning. On top of that, we have lots of guilt about leaving. The result is that about the ONLY thing that enables us to walk away is a strong feeling of _righteous anger_. Yet, because we have such weak personal boundaries and high empathy, it is difficult for us to become sufficiently angry to leave.

I mention this so you know that Dr. Phil is wrong and ANGER IS YOUR FRIEND. It is important to use the anger like a crutch to help you walk away from this toxic relationship. After a year or so -- when you are safely out of the unhealthy marriage -- you can kick that crutch aside. At that point, you won't need it and it would only be harmful to you from that point forward.

Remember, we all have the same set of human emotions and all of them are essential to our survival. Sadness, for example, brings introspection and forces you to think about your problems in a systematic way. Similarly, anger is important because it enables you to break away from fearful situations and to fight. Right now, the two things you need the greatest assistance on are breaking free and (in the divorce) fighting back. To accomplish those two objectives quickly and well, you need to hold onto your anger and righteous indignation, IMO. Take care, Doormat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You still haven't mentioned any contact with your family?

Brother you are under a rock and need help so please contact them.

One more thing, I think its time to get real aggrasive in documenting your wifes abuse, so go get a VAR

Ok, one last thing, to get some hidden cash start pawning off some crap around the house that no one will miss.

Pawn shop take tools and even household goods. 

Your in a battle for your life here start getting mad not sad.

You need to get really fired up here, make no mistake you are in no doubt a battle for your life.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I am 100% on your side and, although Lon is entitled to his opinion (and I'm not trying to start anything), I feel that he is wrong. YOU are an abused spouse and WHATEVER it takes to get you out of this situation is what you need to do. NOW.

1.) I would personally LOVE IT if you would change your log-in name. You are NO LONGER anyone's doormat!

2.) When you're at the P.O. to fill out a change-of-address card to your new PO Box, casually inquire at the window (like you're just some dumb *ss) "Can I fill this out for my wife, too? We have the same last name. Or does she have to fill out her own?" If they tell you that you CAN fill it out for her, too, then you are doing nothing illegal as you ARE still her legal spouse for the forseeable future. The change-of-address form asks if the forwarding is for a single person or for everyone in the household with that last name. If The Harridan's (aka: be-yotch, aka: wife) last name is the same as yours (obviously your in-laws' is not), this could get you access to all of her financial records. You can pick it up at the P.O., make copies at a Kinko's or the library or wherever, then bring it back to the house (invest in some good glue so she won't know you've opened them.) The in-laws will still be getting their mail, so they will be none the wiser. 

If it IS illegal for you to have HER mail forwarded there, then just fill it out for yourself so at least YOUR business is your own. Hopefully, the P.O. will accidentally put some of hers in there which is totally not your fault! (I've seen it happen.) Also, you should learn how to steam open envelopes so you can get a handle on the finances. Again, get some good glue. I'm assuming you don't share a bedroom with The Harradan, so you can practice with an electric teakettle and lots of envelopes in your own room away from the prying in-laws. If she's on a trip, see what you can get done at night in your own room away from prying eyes.

3.) Open a bank account at a TOTALLY different bank than The Harradan uses. You said The Harradan is notified of all YOUR financial dealings. If it is through the bank, this will get her nose out of YOUR business. If it is through a credit service of some type, notify them yourself to tell them that, beginning today, YOU are the only person to have access to your personal financial information. They may need something in writing; fine, go to a Mailboxes, Etc or Kinko's and use their fax service.

4.) See if you can get copies of back-taxes from the Feds and State sent to your PO Box. If you file joint returns, you should be entitled to them.

5.) If you cannot afford an attorney, contact Legal Aid (in the yellow pages) and see what kind of help they can give you. Even if you don't do the whole divorce with them, they can at least direct you on how to get started. 

6.) Get a cell-phone that you buy for CASH. Just a plain vanilla style will do. Either use pre-paid (you buy the minutes up front, use them up, and buy more at the cellular phone store) or have the bill sent to your PO Box.

Know that you are doing what is necessary to protect yourself. Your wife has PROMISED to ruin you personally, professionally, and financially. Consider these steps as a vaccine to the up-coming poison she is preparing to spew.

I will be wishing the best for you as your make your way out of the quagmire of life with her. And please remember to FORGIVE YOURSELF for marrying her. There is no shame in making a mistake; only in repeating it! Sending you a hug; you sound like a guy who could use one! Know that MANY people who don't know you are pulling for you and wishing you nothing but the best for peace, happiness and contentment in your future.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

d00rM4t said:


> Lon,
> 
> Thank you for the reply, but I'm confused. Help me to understand why it my fault that I don't want to live with a woman anymore who is seeing other men, tells me I'm a door mat, calls me stupid in public, and has absolutely no desire for me sexually (I believe repulsed was the word she used recently)? Yes, I fully expect her to be different than the way she treats me now. I'm sick and tired of this crap.
> 
> ...


It's not your fault for not wanting to live with her at all, the point is you shouldn't even be putting up with this... there definitely is something you need to work through TO BE AT PEACE with the decision to do what you need for your emotional and physical survival. I wouldn't necessarily categorize you as an "abused spouse" but you have let yourself suffer some abuse from her. I do agree with slowlygettingwiser that you need to get out of this situation, do not let your fear of her threats have any control over you, your lawyer certainly didn't help your confidence in this regard and I definitely would seek second opinion - she has NO POWER to ruin you except for what you let her have over you... I also agree with uptown that your anger is a useful tool - for me when my W cheated and said she wanted a divorce it was my anger that allowed me to take the necessary steps to detach from her, to find my peace.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Open you own checking accont, change your check to deposit to this account. Start saving some cash up, keep it at your parents or a friends house. Start removing things of value that she wont notice. Get in touch with a lawyer. Hopefully you have no kids, that will make this process alot easier. Might want to get another cell phone setup, possible a prepaid one just incase she trys to cut your phone service off. Make sure to inform your family of your intentions so they can help you through the process.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

A quick stop in for an update and attorney related question. First:

Both my parents have passed on years ago
Contacted my siblings, two will help and two want nothing to do with me.
One of my siblings is twiced divorced and currently a single parent
All siblings live day-to-day financially
One sibling will let me crash at their place if I get kicked out by my wife
I now have a PO Box, checking account, safety deposit box, and credit card.
My wife drives a company provided car most of the time and we share the single family vehicle. My car died a couple years ago and I was convinced not to replace it by the wife because she had a car. We are both on the loan. Hindsight shows me this was stupid on my part. I will need a car.
The wife is already slipping. She really curtailed her traveling for the past several weeks, but now is quite open with her intimate attire, which she only wears when she travels, and I've been told that she is ready for another "stress break." These are weekends where she disappears to party with "friends," but doesn't usually say where, or is vague about it, and never discusses the activity when she gets home. These stress breaks are always out of town and have included in the past trips to Vegas, Reno, Chicago, Miami, and San Francisco. I caught her recently browsing weekend packages to London.
I've really cut back on the things that I do at home for my wife, but maintained my normal maintenance and chores, which is still quite a bit. All my conversation with her has been kept to a minimum. She has gone very silent on me in the past two days. 
My wife has been accessing my computers. Don't ask how I know, but she has access and that tells me she knows my password that I'd changed recently. The fact that she has become this technically knowledgeable is quite remarkable. Clearly she's enlisted the aid of someone or performed some serious self-education. I'll let her dig around on those computers without saying anything and consider them fully compromised.

I went to another local divorce lawyer for the initial consultation. A woman this time, who declined the work. I filled out the personal questionnaire form while waiting, then we had a brief talk. She wanted to know the total assets, etc. and what I was doing so far, then she got called out of the office. When she came back in I was told that she wouldn't be able to help me. That was the end of our meeting. Should I be concerned?

It's off to find another lawyer.


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

That is a good idea to change my forum name. I'll have to think of something more positive.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, great to see you back!

Glad you have got some (emotional) family support. You don't need their money as much as you need their acceptance and love.

Making good progress on the P.O. and the bank.

Let her go to London! More time to dig around the house for financial info.

May have accessed your computer info with a key-logger. Change passwords to EVERYTHING at a computer NOT at your house. No longer use your home computer for ANYTHING related to divorce/your personal finances/etc. With a key-logger (I think that's the term) she can see EVERYTHING you're doing on-line. So changing your passwords at another computer (like an internet cafe) is a WASTE OF TIME if you're going to access those computer records later from your home computer. Maybe you can have your computer checked for spyware, key-loggers, etc. Don't know if there's an effective lock/firewall to stop the Harradan. You can always inquire.

The zero-for-two on the attorneys worries me. Do they only want to take your case if it's worth lots of $$$$? Do they know the Harradan? Has Harradan talked to all the 'good' divorce lawyers in town; once she has approached them and discussed divorce with them, they are prohibited from working for you! Again, your best bets are either Legal Aid (just for general info) or the next county over from where you live (far enough away that the Harradan hasn't gotten involved with them.)

Anyway, I'm glad you're back! When you decide to change your name, come back and state that you USED to be d00rM4t so we'll know it's still you....only bigger, better, and BADDER! 

Have a good evening!


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## d00rM4t (Apr 5, 2012)

This post is more for myself. I'm still searching for full-time work that won't leave me hanging within 6-8 months and relocation isn't an option until a divorce is final. I've been exercising, reading some material on men's styles, got a tan from being outside more, have finally lost two belt sizes (that feels really good), and bought some new clothes that actually fit. The wife always gives me clothing that is too large for me. (yeah, she dressed me too) The clothing would hang on my body and I felt small inside them, so they went to the donation center. I picked up some clothes myself that actually fit and are supposed to support/accent my body-type. It's been a learning process for me on men's style. I've never been a slob, but I have learned more about colors, material, and clothing fit. My wife has been strangely silent about my new clothes. 

What it comes down to is feeling comfortable in my own skin (and clothes) again. I can look back and see how I slowly turned (evolved?) into this passive person that suits my wife as a servant, but lost her as a friend and man. If there is such thing as a male "yes dear" syndrome, then I learned it and now am in the process of losing it. I'm also more cognizant about how other women discuss men. And how many times I hear the saying to my wife "you've trained him good" or "what a good little man." Well, that sh1t is changing. 

The anniversary passed a couple weeks back. I was given a "token" card from the wife reminding me of the wonderful life that I have with her and that she actually wrote that I should be thankful for all of the great memories. It was as if she was again telling me how to feel. Ha! She left for a week of business travel the next morning and never contacted me the entire time that she was gone. 

My wife's recent musical taste is R&B and Rap. She's really gotten into the urban scene from somewhere, and it matches her (again) reoccurring clothing style of wearing teenie-bopper shirts and short skirts and lingerie as clothing; just not when we are together. So, I dug out my old music (cassette tapes and albums) and have begun to listening them again. It's as if the music is from another person, but I remember having some seriously good times as that other person. My 70's rock albums and cassettes like: Metallica - Enter the Sandman, Godsmack - Keep Away, Atomic *****wax - The Atomic *****wax, Creed, AC/DC, Jethro Tull, White Zombie. I re-discovered it to be good music for exercising or getting through a down period. And my wife has been strangely silent, except when she told me turn off "that sh1t" when I was working in the garage and I turned it up instead.

It sure has been tough to admit failure as a person, especially when becoming "the good little man" was the end of me as a real man and equal person in our marriage. Dwelling on that fact is a slippery slope into darkness. I'm moving forward one day at a time and soon this will all be a bad memory. 

Another lawyer down. The last one recommended that I first get a job to support myself and save up enough money for the divorce and living expenses in advance. He was concerned that my wife could lock up the money and affect my credit, leaving me without financial resources for a court battle. Apparently, the local courts still heavily favor a women in divorce, regardless of the financial or family situation. What I've learned is that when women say that our society is unfair and sexist, I have to agree. It just depends on the circumstances. 

I'm slowing planning for my escape and really need to change my forum name.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi, glad you posted up on this thread. I know it was meant more for yourself, but DO NOT ACCEPT that it was failure as a person, sure we fail sometimes, but it was THE MARRIAGE that failed. It is critical for you to differentiate that.

Also, as to your stbxw's new urban lifestyle, I totally relate - my ex always liked R&B music, but when she was looking to do more exercise and got completely obsessed with hiphop she became an immature little girl and her affairs just became part of her new life just like her young slvtty friends she was hanging out with. Hard to watch when you're stuck at home trying to be frugal and taking care of the little one, feeling like a washed up old man! (I'm glad you've found some youthful things to keep you occupied , those are important to staying young at heart!)


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## Astrid (May 23, 2012)

d00rM4t said:


> I have no friends (my wife rejects anyone I mention or try to meet), I've neglected my family (my wife's insistence and they hate her a well) and I feel very trapped.


I am in a similar situation as well, though I'm not sure my family "hates" my spouse, I know they harbor resentment since I've become so withdrawn. 

My family and I most definitely do not see eye to eye on things, a lot of the time we don't get along, but I've just recently realized how much I regret neglecting them just because of my husband.

I hope you find your happiness. I know I didn't offer much, but I thought I'd lend a little support since I know how this feels.


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