# I have an addiction



## Jamieboy

I have realised I am an addict, not to drugs or alcohol, but to a person.

I am currently at place where I manage my addiction well, but every time I'm forced to interact with her, I feel drained, it brings back all the emotional turmoil.

It makes me question everything, I love my wife and the object of my addiction is toxic for me. But the longing is still there just below the surface. 

Will this ever go away? Anyone had a similar experience and is now in a healthy place?

For context, I had an emotional affair, I recognised it for what it was, far too late admittedly, and confessed to my wife, we separated for a year worked on our marriage and are now back together. However, the spectre of this is hanging over me. I ensure absolute minimal contact with my AP, however occasional interaction is necessary for business needs.

I cant leave the company, just not an option, im a good husband, always have been, but I felt taken for granted. That's all changed now, so why can't I just be indifferent to my AP. I have done it with every other past relationship. 

Im just not emotionally intelligent enough to figure this out on my own, and my counsellor, although very good, can't seem to help figure this out either. 

I'm not looking for judgement on my past poor behaviour, I accept that for what it was and have done everything within my power to atone for it. 

I'm just hoping that someone has the method or steps to follow to get this monkey of my back.

Thanks for reading


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## jonty30

1. Never contact that person ever again. Don't even peruse their social media.
2. Focus on your wife. Whatever you would have said to your addiction, say it to your wife with the same fervency and affection you would have said it to that person.
3. Just keep focusing sexual arousal and affection to your wife.


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## In Absentia

Ah, yes... a bit like my regret for not understanding and behaving in a despicable manner in my marriage. I don't have a solution for you. In my case, the only solution is leaving to rebuild my life away from here and my torment/obsession.


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## Jamieboy

jonty30 said:


> 1. Never contact that person ever again. Don't even peruse their social media.
> 2. Focus on your wife. Whatever you would have to your addiction, say it to your wife with the same fervency and affection you would have said it to that person.
> 3. Just keep focusing sexual arousal and affection to your wife.


Thank you for your words of advice, number 1 check, I never initiate contact.

3 is also a check, we both engage in enthusiastic sex now, a previous problem in our marriage.

2 is very difficult, my wife and AP are completely different, opposite ends of the scale, so not sure how I'd approach that. I do focus on my wife, but she is a very passive person, it takes a lot of mental energy to keep our life from becoming mundane, but I do it regardless


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## Diana7

You must leave your job or at least ask for a transfer. If I were your wife that would have been one of the non negotiable conditions of staying in the marriage. I am surprised that your wife us ok with you still seeing her. 
Dont allow yourself to dwell on her or fantasize about her.


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## BeyondRepair007

OP you say not to focus on your past bad behavior and I get that. But I think you HAVE too.

If you still have feelings for your AP after all this time (1yr?) then you haven’t sufficiently HATED what you’ve done to your wife. HATED where the AP took you. HATED what your life was when with her. You’re not truly remorseful enough to fully reconcile.

My advice is to open your eyes to what the AP did to your wife, your relationship, and you. And move to a position of pure disgust about that. You can‘t have a split heart about this. It will end your marriage.

Every time you see her in your office your heart should be filled with dread. Not longing. End the thing that’s going on in your head, or lose your wife.


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## jonty30

Jamieboy said:


> Thank you for your words of advice, number 1 check, I never initiate contact.
> 
> 3 is also a check, we both engage in enthusiastic sex now, a previous problem in our marriage.
> 
> 2 is very difficult, my wife and AP are completely different, opposite ends of the scale, so not sure how I'd approach that. I do focus on my wife, but she is a very passive person, it takes a lot of mental energy to keep our life from becoming mundane, but I do it regardless


Don't even check. Every time you check their social media, you are back to square one and investing yourself in a relationship with them, at the expense of your wife. 
Your wife's passivity probably plays a part, because you desire a more emotionally active spouse. However, on the otherhand if you know she loves you, she also is probably the anchor in the relationship. The rock in your life.


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## Jamieboy

BeyondRepair007 said:


> OP you say not to focus on your past bad behavior and I get that. But I think you HAVE too.
> 
> If you still have feelings for your AP after all this time (1yr?) then you haven’t sufficiently HATED what you’ve done to your wife. HATED where the AP took you. HATED what your life was when with her. You’re not truly remorseful enough to fully reconcile.
> 
> My advice is to open your eyes to what the AP did to your wife, your relationship, and you. And move to a position of pure disgust about that. You can‘t have a split heart about this. It will end your marriage.
> 
> Every time you see her in your office your heart should be filled with dread. Not longing. End the thing that’s going on in your head, or lose your wife.


You are right I think, I feel remorse, but I could have sucked it up ended my EA and never told my wife, but honestly I was pissed with her, I resented that her lack of effort in our marriage had led me down this road. 

Im not victim blaming, but our marriage was not working for me, the decision to separate was mine because I felt I had crossed a line. I was not happy with our marriage but was more disappointed with myself. I made every effort to separate and do the right thing. 

Long story short we reconciled because I did not deny what I did was very very wrong, but we were happy once and she and I wanted to return to that state of affairs.

We have, I think, but I'd be lying if I didn't wonder if she'll one day slip back into old habits. It's fair to say I'm a changed man from my experience. I won't tolerate that again. 

In some ways I'm changed for the better, but in others, I'm more guarded and less inclined to give over everything I once did to my marriage.

You are correct, my AP knew my situation and selfishly ploughed on ahead making in roads into my resolve, but I was complicit in it. So I can't in good conscious lay all the blame at her door. 

Im rambling I know, but your post has made me think, I haven't let go of my resentment toward my wife, and until I do, I won't move past this. 

So how do I forgive and forget, let go the past?


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## Talker67




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## Jamieboy

jonty30 said:


> Don't even check. Every time you check their social media, you are back to square one and investing yourself in a relationship with them, at the expense of your wife.
> Your wife's passivity probably plays a part, because you desire a more emotionally active spouse. However, on the otherhand if you know she loves you, she also is probably the anchor in the relationship. The rock in your life.


Sorry I wasn't clear, I blocked her on everything, I never check anything, I isolated myself from her and told her to never contact me unless absolutely necessary, even having her route her communication through a trusted subordinate so she couldn't invent reasons to contact me.

I can't leave my job, I'm too highly placed in a specialist industry, it would mean uprooting my entire family. I'm stuck here unlessi wanted to live the very simple life, which neither I or my wife wishes to do


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## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> Sorry I wasn't clear, I blocked her on everything, I never check anything, I isolated myself from her and told her to never contact me unless absolutely necessary, even having her route her communication through a trusted subordinate so she couldn't invent reasons to contact me.
> 
> I can't leave my job, I'm too highly placed in a specialist industry, it would mean uprooting my entire family. I'm stuck here unlessi wanted to live the very simple life, which neither I or my wife wishes to do


So you and your wife would rather risk loosing your marriage than make sure you are no longer able to have contact with her? There will be a way, there always is. You can move away, you can ask for a transfer, you can get a job that pays less, as long as you are seeing her its unlikely that you will be able to move on. I cant believe that either of you think this is a good idea.


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## BeyondRepair007

Jamieboy said:


> You are right I think, I feel remorse, but I could have sucked it up ended my EA and never told my wife, but honestly I was pissed with her, I resented that her lack of effort in our marriage had led me down this road.
> 
> Im not victim blaming, but our marriage was not working for me, the decision to separate was mine because I felt I had crossed a line. I was not happy with our marriage but was more disappointed with myself. I made every effort to separate and do the right thing.
> 
> Long story short we reconciled because I did not deny what I did was very very wrong, but we were happy once and she and I wanted to return to that state of affairs.
> 
> We have, I think, but I'd be lying if I didn't wonder if she'll one day slip back into old habits. It's fair to say I'm a changed man from my experience. I won't tolerate that again.
> 
> In some ways I'm changed for the better, but in others, I'm more guarded and less inclined to give over everything I once did to my marriage.
> 
> You are correct, my AP knew my situation and selfishly ploughed on ahead making in roads into my resolve, but I was complicit in it. So I can't in good conscious lay all the blame at her door.
> 
> Im rambling I know, but your post has made me think, I haven't let go of my resentment toward my wife, and until I do, I won't move past this.
> 
> So how do I forgive and forget, let go the past?


Counseling, counseling counseling.

You and wife are not in complete alignment so you need to talk this out.
It's safer for her, and maybe more permissive for you, to do this with professional guidance.

For example, you worry about her slipping into old habits that pushed you away in the beginning.
Talk about about that fear and how you should communicate when you see it.

I'm sure your wife fears you will start playing the field again.
Talk about that and what she should do if she gets worried.

Build (rebuild?) confidence in each other and your relationship together.

Get in a mindset that there is no other option.
Marriage is for life and there's no 'off ramp'.
Of course we know that's not the truth but if you keep that off-ramp in your portfolio of ideas then you won't fully commit to the full life marriage.
What's the saying? Burn the ships?

And I do agree with the other voices you've heard... seeing or contacting your AP in ANY context makes this whole thing much more difficult for you and your wife (even if she doesn't say it).
Reconsider leaving your job.

Best of luck OP


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## MarmiteC

Have you voiced to your wife what was not working for you and what needs to change?


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## Jamieboy

MarmiteC said:


> Have you voiced to your wife what was not working for you and what needs to change?


I have and things are very good between us now, although my wife won't attend counselling together or individually. I asked many times over the years. 

The issue, really looks to be me, but I won't ever handle things badly again, I've learned my lesson. No one was harder on me than me.


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## BigDaddyNY

Jamieboy said:


> I have and things are very good between us now, although my wife won't attend counselling together or individually. I asked many times over the years.
> 
> The issue, really looks to be me, but I won't ever handle things badly again, I've learned my lesson. No one was harder on me than me.


How does your wife feel about the fact that you are still working with the OW? If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with your wife still working with an AP?

I realized it may be difficult and very disruptive, but if it is a real threat to your marriage isn't it worth it? Which do you value more, your marriage or your career? It may come down to that question since you are self admittedly "addicted" to your AP. Would a recovering alcoholic keep whiskey in the house?


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## DownByTheRiver

Jamieboy said:


> I have realised I am an addict, not to drugs or alcohol, but to a person.
> 
> I am currently at place where I manage my addiction well, but every time I'm forced to interact with her, I feel drained, it brings back all the emotional turmoil.
> 
> It makes me question everything, I love my wife and the object of my addiction is toxic for me. But the longing is still there just below the surface.
> 
> Will this ever go away? Anyone had a similar experience and is now in a healthy place?
> 
> For context, I had an emotional affair, I recognised it for what it was, far too late admittedly, and confessed to my wife, we separated for a year worked on our marriage and are now back together. However, the spectre of this is hanging over me. I ensure absolute minimal contact with my AP, however occasional interaction is necessary for business needs.
> 
> I cant leave the company, just not an option, im a good husband, always have been, but I felt taken for granted. That's all changed now, so why can't I just be indifferent to my AP. I have done it with every other past relationship.
> 
> Im just not emotionally intelligent enough to figure this out on my own, and my counsellor, although very good, can't seem to help figure this out either.
> 
> I'm not looking for judgement on my past poor behaviour, I accept that for what it was and have done everything within my power to atone for it.
> 
> I'm just hoping that someone has the method or steps to follow to get this monkey of my back.
> 
> Thanks for reading


Dude, all I can tell you is that you have it in you. It won't come without a price. I worked with an ex for 10 years afterward (did not meet and date at work but before) and we kept tripping over each other the rest of our lives because we were pursuing a parallel career. It was necessary to trip over him to do my best pursuing my own career. It made me physically sick the day I realized I had to face doing that and working for the same company. But it was the logical move.

It was torture at times working with him. But I used all the discipline I had to keep it buttoned up. I kept a journal and I can see looking back at those times that there were times he was saying or doing things that probably meant he wanted to get back together with me, but he wanted something different in regards to that than I did. He wanted a fairly conventional marriage with kids, a wife willing to set her career aside. I wanted my dream career worse than I wanted him or anyone else. That was my passion.

It was very stressful, not gonna lie. There were close encounters that made me just ache and him too. There were soap operas and poignant moments like the time his first wife came in because he needed to remove her as beneficiary on his life insurance. That was sad for both of them (not a nasty divorce -- just high school sweethearts grown apart). He stood at the office window watching her leave and then said to me, Who am I going to put as my beneficiary, you?

But I just had to put those things out of my mind and keep my eye on my own goals because we'd already run that gauntlet and dead-ended. I knew further attempts would only end in sadness. We were both dating around other people. I kept it moving. It's all I could do.

You have to decide what your priority is and then you have to use your strength to pursue that and reject anything that gets you off course, even though it pretty much always hurts some. You're not a five-year-old who can wallow because you can't have everything you want just the way you want it anytime you want. You are a man directing your own life, and every decision you make changes the course of your life. You are responsible for being decisive and disciplined about this. Be a man. Don't let life just kick you here and there with your emotions in tow.


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## Jamieboy

DownByTheRiver said:


> Dude, all I can tell you is that you have it in you. It won't come without a price. I worked with an ex for 10 years afterward (did not meet and date at work but before) and we kept tripping over each other the rest of our lives because we were pursuing a parallel career. It was necessary to trip over him to do my best pursuing my own career. It made me physically sick the day I realized I had to face doing that and working for the same company. But it was the logical move.
> 
> It was torture at times working with him. But I used all the discipline I had to keep it buttoned up. I kept a journal and I can see looking back at those times that there were times he was saying or doing things that probably meant he wanted to get back together with me, but he wanted something different in regards to that than I did. He wanted a fairly conventional marriage with kids, a wife willing to set her career aside. I wanted my dream career worse than I wanted him or anyone else. That was my passion.
> 
> It was very stressful, not gonna lie. There were close encounters that made me just ache and him too. There were soap operas and poignant moments like the time his first wife came in because he needed to remove her as beneficiary on his life insurance. That was sad for both of them (not a nasty divorce -- just high school sweethearts grown apart). He stood at the office window watching her leave and then said to me, Who am I going to put as my beneficiary, you?
> 
> But I just had to put those things out of my mind and keep my eye on my own goals because we'd already run that gauntlet and dead-ended. I knew further attempts would only end in sadness. We were both dating around other people. I kept it moving. It's all I could do.
> 
> You have to decide what your priority is and then you have to use your strength to pursue that and reject anything that gets you off course, even though it pretty much always hurts some. You're not a five-year-old who can wallow because you can't have everything you want just the way you want it anytime you want. You are a man directing your own life, and every decision you make changes the course of your life. You are responsible for being decisive and disciplined about this. Be a man. Don't let life just kick you here and there with your emotions in tow.


Thank you, this is what I needed to hear, im committed to making it work, and know I can get there in the end is encouraging.


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## Jamieboy

BigDaddyNY said:


> How does your wife feel about the fact that you are still working with the OW? If the roles were reversed, would you be okay with your wife still working with an AP?
> 
> I realized it may be difficult and very disruptive, but if it is a real threat to your marriage isn't it worth it? Which do you value more, your marriage or your career? It may come down to that question since you are self admittedly "addicted" to your AP. Would a recovering alcoholic keep whiskey in the house?


She's not thrilled, but she trusts that since I came to her rather than finding out, that I'm honest in my intentions. If things were the other way round, it would be me or the job, im not a hypocrite, it would just seem my wife would rather risk a relapse than lose her comfortable existence and nice house. Me leaving was never asked of me. Plus at the time if you'd asked me career or marriage I would have said career.

We came back together because we both agreed what was needed to make the marriage work. 

My AP being around is not an ideal situation but I manage it well normally, as you may have guessed, I just had a triggering moment today after doing well at total avoidance for months. I was not expecting the inner turmoil, which makes me think addiction rather than cured


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## BeyondRepair007

DownByTheRiver said:


> I worked with an ex for 10 years afterward


Serious question and not trying to TJ
Is that the same? Working with an ex vs working with an AP?
I've done neither one, I'm just curious about the emotional entanglement.

It seems like the dynamic would be pretty different.
🤷‍♂️


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## Jamieboy

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Serious question and not trying to TJ
> Is that the same? Working with an ex vs working with an AP?
> I've done neither one, I'm just curious about the emotional entanglement.
> 
> It seems like the dynamic would be pretty different.
> 🤷‍♂️


I would say it depends on who finished it, but I get your point


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## DownByTheRiver

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Serious question and not trying to TJ
> Is that the same? Working with an ex vs working with an AP?
> I've done neither one, I'm just curious about the emotional entanglement.
> 
> It seems like the dynamic would be pretty different.
> 🤷‍♂️


Well, it's not going to be exactly the same. He's married. I wasn't. I had no moral reason to not mess around with my ex, but I chose not to go through that all again because it wasn't going to work longterm.


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## BeyondRepair007

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, it's not going to be exactly the same. He's married. I wasn't. I had no moral reason to not mess around with my ex, but I chose not to go through that all again because it wasn't going to work longterm.


Thanks. Either way your message was a good one.
It can be done!

My message remains the same: 'Counseling, communication, & Change jobs'


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## DownByTheRiver

Yes, if you can change jobs, that is great.


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## Openminded

Sorry if this question has been asked and answered already but does your wife know you still are addicted to your AP?


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## Young at Heart

Jamieboy said:


> I have realised I am an addict, not to drugs or alcohol, but to a person.
> 
> I am currently at place where I manage my addiction well, but every time I'm forced to interact with her, I feel drained, it brings back all the emotional turmoil.
> 
> It makes me question everything, I love my wife and the object of my addiction is toxic for me. But the longing is still there just below the surface.
> 
> Will this ever go away? Anyone had a similar experience and is now in a healthy place?
> 
> For context, I had an emotional affair, I recognised it for what it was, far too late admittedly, and confessed to my wife, we separated for a year worked on our marriage and are now back together. However, the spectre of this is hanging over me. I ensure absolute minimal contact with my AP, however occasional interaction is necessary for business needs.
> 
> I cant leave the company, just not an option, im a good husband, always have been, but I felt taken for granted. That's all changed now, so why can't I just be indifferent to my AP. I have done it with every other past relationship.
> 
> Im just not emotionally intelligent enough to figure this out on my own, and my counsellor, although very good, can't seem to help figure this out either.
> 
> *I'm not looking for judgement on my past poor behaviour, I accept that for what it was and have done everything within my power to atone for it.*
> 
> I'm just hoping that someone *has the method or steps to follow* to get this monkey of my back.
> 
> Thanks for reading


You know what you need to do, you just don't know how to do it? Is that your question?

Affirmations, visualization are very powerful tools used to change behaviors. Another strong tool is positive reinforcement.

There are lots of self-help CD's that you can listen to that will help you loose weight, stop smoking, start exercising, change you self image of yourself. Most of them involve a form of self-hypnosis, which is sometimes called affirmations. Typically you relax, drift off into a zen-like mental state and then start repeating key phrases to program your subconscious mind. 

In your case telling yourself how much you love your wife, you love having a beautiful family, is a good start. Adding affirmations on how your wife is the only woman you could ever love and how greatful you are that she blessed your life with children. If you can find some time alone, then saying them out loud will also help.

After you have don't that, then you might want to add visualization to you self-hypnosis. Think of what your wife looks like, think of her with your children. Visualize that. Visualize having sex and making passionate love to your wife and how good that is.

You can also give yourself rewards for meeting certain objectives. Maybe schedule a massage, a game of golf, or something you love doing, but don't do often as a reward for some quantifiable objective such as not interacting with the OW for so many days, or not thinking of her in a sexual way for x number of days.

Another option is to use negative images in your self-hypnosis. When you visualize her, think of something very repugnant and associated it with her mental image. In weight loss class we were told to visualize eating a big green chunk of mucus every time we thought about ordering a fast food hamburger. The point is start associating something disgusting with the OW every time you visualize her.

Good luck.


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## Luckylucky

I’m going to tell you something harsh about addicts, they function better with other addicts. So your AP is probably a better match.

What is keeping you tied to your wife? Think carefully about this and be really honest. I don’t think this is going to end well for you, but it will end well for your wife. Really think about what life for your wife and kids must be like? I assume that by now, they don’t believe anything you say, and are just waiting around for your next round. Be honest, is it you keeping them around? Your wife has had enough, hasn’t she, a long time ago. And your kids don’t like you much and fantasise about a life without you. I don’t mean to be cruel, I’m being very honest.
I sympathise with addicts, because they are forced to live amongst people without addictions when their number one focus is to keep an addiction going. All addictions result in destruction for the addict when the people they live with, work with, play with eventually don’t want to believe them anymore. That doesn’t stop the addiction either, did you know this?

An addict will say what they need to say, to keep the rest of their needs met so that they can continue to indulge in their addiction. So that might mean saying really nice things to a friend or family member or loved one so that they can still have a place to eat and a roof over their heads. In a work situation, it might mean throwing the AP under the bus to keep your job. It may also mean doing and saying very violent things to your wife to make SURE you get what you want, all the time. 

I lived with a wonderful addict once, she was very honest. She said ‘Don’t have alcohol or cigarettes here at home or too much food. I will drink your alcohol, smoke your cigarettes and eat your food so I can have more money for drugs’. Great! I knew what to do! The other great thing was that she said she’d never try to marry or have kids, knowing what she was like, and she only ever casually dated addicts. She was honest! She hated the lying the most, Absolutely hated that about herself.


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## Diana7

Jamieboy said:


> She's not thrilled, but she trusts that since I came to her rather than finding out, that I'm honest in my intentions. If things were the other way round, it would be me or the job, im not a hypocrite, it would just seem my wife would rather risk a relapse than lose her comfortable existence and nice house. Me leaving was never asked of me. Plus at the time if you'd asked me career or marriage I would have said career.
> 
> We came back together because we both agreed what was needed to make the marriage work.
> 
> My AP being around is not an ideal situation but I manage it well normally, as you may have guessed, I just had a triggering moment today after doing well at total avoidance for months. I was not expecting the inner turmoil, which makes me think addiction rather than cured


So your wife values money and things more than your marriage. Hmmm.


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## Luckylucky

Diana7 said:


> So your wife values money and things more than your marriage. Hmmm.


I suspect, from the previous posts and the way the OP writes, it’s the other way around and that he is valuing money and security. (Remember, the cheater always paints the spouse as the problem). It will cost him to be with the AP, both ways. The AP may be as destructive as he is. You mention often you need constant stimulation, can’t tolerate boredom. You mention your own poor behaviour yet say you’re a good father and husband. Do you see the disconnect in how you view yourself?

I think it’s actually far safer that you keep your job. Why? Because you can get away with far more if you leave. You can simply contact her outside work! At work, you can indulge but okay safe. I do see some destructive tendencies, and an element of cunning and planning in your actions so far.

One thing I wanted to ask: you mention a significant difference between the two women, could you elaborate on the positive attributes of each woman? (Note, positive attributes)


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## lifeistooshort

You could start by taking your AP off the pedestal you have her on.

You have plenty of criticisms of your wife, and they may well be justified. But you don't recognize that your AP is a low class piece of **** who carries on with married men. She has no respect for marriage and you could never trust her.

Your AP also gets the best of you and you can live in fairy tale land with her. You don't have the day to day crap you have in a marriage.

If you're unhappy with your wife by all means leave. But take a good hard look at your AP and see her for the trash that she is.


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## Diana7

Why would you have to be so much poorer if you changed jobs? Why can't you look for a job elsewhere?


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## Rob_1

Jamieboy said:


> I have realised I am an addict, not to drugs or alcohol, but to a person.


It's so funny how weak people that lack fortitude in their character blames their failings on anything: because of my addiction, my dog, my father, the devil made me do it, whatever, etc,. They just can't seen to be able to say: it's because of me, because of my wants, because I don't have enough fortitude to tell myself "cut it off" and do it, because I'm too weak to control myself. When in reality they can control themselves, if they really would want to stop those endorphins in their brain controlling their pleasure receptors.

In the OP case he's using "addiction to a person" as an excuse to confront his true: a weak character. I can assure you that if the object of his desires were for some reason to publicly humiliate him in front of people saying that his penis is too small to be useful to a women, in that moment his adoration would turn to hatred. Which, tells us that if we want to change feelings we certainly can.


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## Luckylucky

Rob_1 said:


> It's so funny how weak people that lack fortitude in their character blames their failings on anything: because of my addiction, my dog, my father, the devil made me do it, whatever, etc,. They just can't seen to be able to say: it's because of me, because of my wants, because I don't have enough fortitude to tell myself "cut it off" and do it, because I'm too weak to control myself. When in reality they can control themselves, if they really would want to stop those endorphins in their brain controlling their pleasure receptors.
> 
> In the OP case he's using "addiction to a person" as an excuse to confront his true: a weak character. I can assure you that if the object of his desires were for some reason to publicly humiliate him in front of people saying that his penis is too small to be useful to a women, in that moment his adoration would turn to hatred. Which, tells us that if we want to change feelings we certainly can.


It may not be admitting weakness. That confession by an addict, ‘I realise I have a problem’ always gets uttered when they’ve messed up. It creates sympathy, a little teaser for the victim or the audience. A deflection for the consequences of the thing they’ve done wrong. We get to cheer, good on you for admitting you have a problem! Or the victimised spouse or friend or roommate is thrown off guard, because they’ve caught them again. 

OP, what was the trigger and what did you do wrong? We can better help you fix things. Someone’s not happy with you.


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## Jamieboy

lifeistooshort said:


> You could start by taking your AP off the pedestal you have her on.
> 
> You have plenty of criticisms of your wife, and they may well be justified. But you don't recognize that your AP is a low class piece of **** who carries on with married men. She has no respect for marriage and you could never trust her.
> 
> Your AP also gets the best of you and you can live in fairy tale land with her. You don't have the day to day crap you have in a marriage.
> 
> If you're unhappy with your wife by all means leave. But take a good hard look at your AP and see her for the trash that she is.


Thats the thing I do recognise all those negative things, but just like smokers know it causes cancer, and drinkers know it causes liver failure they still do it. That's what addiction means.

There's been lots of filling in the blanks in a lot of the responses. And very few people offering any help, just lining up to bash the wayward looking for advice.

I have never denied the EA and could have just as easily left that part out.

Im not specifically replying to the quote now, however I never speak to my AP, unless absolutely forced, then it's minimum words, strictly business. I told her our personal relationship was over, I did not go back on that. All work emails are routed through my trusted subordinate. I can do no more on that front.

I rarely think about her, don't obsess or pine, I'm 100% indifferent 99% of the time, however after months of no contact I was forced to interact with her today, and it brought up a lot of emotion. This is why I believe the addict term fits, because like a drinker slipping just once you are back to square 1.

Im fine as I write this, and she only comes to mind because this is related. I had a wobble but im fine now. Hopefully next time it will less impact full.

Thanks for all those who gave helpful responses, I won't respond again because the no sense lynch mob have desended.

Thank you @BeyondRepair007 and @DownByTheRiver your advice was helpful


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## Rob_1

Jamieboy said:


> , I won't respond again because the no sense lynch mob have desended.



In other words, you just don't have the balls to face the music. Typical.


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## Openminded

Does your wife know you’re still addicted?


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## Rob_1

Openminded said:


> Does your wife know you’re still addicted?


That would be a nice tidbit for the wife's to know, wouldn't it be? I wonder what her reaction would be, umm???


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## TexasMom1216

Rob_1 said:


> That would be a nice tidbit for the wife's to know, wouldn't it be? I wonder what her reaction would be, umm???


I think it would only be right for her to be told the truth about her husband's true feelings.


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## Diana7

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think it would only be right for her to be told the truth about her husband's true feelings.


Maybe then she will do the sensible thing and ask him to look for another job.


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## In Absentia

Jamieboy said:


> Thats the thing I do recognise all those negative things, but just like smokers know it causes cancer, and drinkers know it causes liver failure they still do it. That's what addiction means.
> 
> There's been lots of filling in the blanks in a lot of the responses. And very few people offering any help, just lining up to bash the wayward looking for advice.
> 
> I have never denied the EA and could have just as easily left that part out.
> 
> Im not specifically replying to the quote now, however I never speak to my AP, unless absolutely forced, then it's minimum words, strictly business. I told her our personal relationship was over, I did not go back on that. All work emails are routed through my trusted subordinate. I can do no more on that front.
> 
> I rarely think about her, don't obsess or pine, I'm 100% indifferent 99% of the time, however after months of no contact I was forced to interact with her today, and it brought up a lot of emotion. This is why I believe the addict term fits, because like a drinker slipping just once you are back to square 1.
> 
> Im fine as I write this, and she only comes to mind because this is related. I had a wobble but im fine now. Hopefully next time it will less impact full.
> 
> Thanks for all those who gave helpful responses, I won't respond again because the no sense lynch mob have desended.
> 
> Thank you @BeyondRepair007 and @DownByTheRiver your advice was helpful


I'm not sure what the solution would be, since you can't change jobs. You also say that counselling doesn't work. You are pretty much stuck with your addiction.


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## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sure what the solution would be, since you can't change jobs. You also say that counselling doesn't work. You are pretty much stuck with your addiction.


I am sure he can change jobs, he chooses not to.


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## In Absentia

Diana7 said:


> I am sure he can change jobs, he chooses not to.


From what I've read, it's not that easy, but it's true that he could if he really wanted to...


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## Diana7

In Absentia said:


> From what I've read, it's not that easy, but it's true that he could if he really wanted to...


Unless he is the president of the united states he can find another job.


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## thunderchad

You have oneitis. An unhealthy obsession with one woman.


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## TexasMom1216

Diana7 said:


> Unless he is the president of the united states he can find another job.


Funny, but it's not always that simple. I'm not defending him and he should find another job because he's messing around with a co-worker, but when you have an established career it's not like changing jobs between two fast food joints. A random job change is going to come with a pay cut and a huge reduction in seniority, plus it's not great to have a bunch of job-hopping on your resume. How would one explain that? "Well see I had to quit because I had an affair at work and my wife made me find a new job." Yeah, let's hire THAT guy, I'm sure he won't be an HR nightmare. 😂🤣


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## Diana7

TexasMom1216 said:


> Funny, but it's not always that simple. I'm not defending him and he should find another job because he's messing around with a co-worker, but when you have an established career it's not like changing jobs between two fast food joints. A random job change is going to come with a pay cut and a huge reduction in seniority, plus it's not great to have a bunch of job-hopping on your resume. How would one explain that? "Well see I had to quit because I had an affair at work and my wife made me find a new job." Yeah, let's hire THAT guy, I'm sure he won't be an HR nightmare. 😂🤣


I guess those are the consequences of cheating but no one is indespensible.


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## TexasMom1216

Diana7 said:


> I guess those are the consequences of cheating but no one is indespensible.


Agreed. Those are the consequences of cheating.


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