# can a betrayed man really love another woman again ?



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

there's a man friend whose wife cheated and ran off with OM , but right now she broke off with OM n married another man . They managed to remain cordial for children's sake .

This man is showing interest in me , a single mum . I am apprehensive .

Can a man whose wife cheated really love me normal and well ?

i am not a cheater , n he knows .


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes.

Consider that his baggage and see how he IS. It might be hard for him to trust at first. But that goes for lots of things, not just cheating. We all have baggage, and at least he isn't the cheater. 

If you like him, date him. Keep your kids out of it for awhile.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has he been divorced from her?

How much does he talk about his ex and all the drama that goes along with her?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> Yes.
> 
> Consider that his baggage and see how he IS. It might be hard for him to trust at first. But that goes for lots of things, not just cheating. We all have baggage, and at least he isn't the cheater.
> 
> If you life him, date him. Keep your kids out of it for awhile.


i have my own baggage as well .

he knows what happens to my marriage and divorce .

My ex cheated me financially and hits me .

so I do have fear issues that the next man may cheat me n turn abusive .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long has he been divorced from her?
> 
> How much does he talk about his ex and all the drama that goes along with her?


he has been divorced 5 years . he doesnt talk about his ex enless i asked about my situation and what my ex is doing to me during the separation and divorce process then he told me how he handled his .

we are not dating , just neighbours . so we dont talk about his divorce much until when he realise I was having problems that he spoke with me wrt my problems . then he offered insights into his divorce and ex wife , and he spoke positively , like they get along alright for children's sake . he will tell me encouraging things like time will heal me and that I n my ex will over time forgive and get along for our children, that my ex will regret what he has done and I should not feel guilty .

he knows i didnt cheat and i dont , even when i have all reasons to . against my principals . he asked me out during separation and divorce process and i courteously said later in time .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like he's moved beyond the his ex.

Why not give it a try. Just go slowly.

and yes men and women can love again


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Love is the most wonderful of emotions.

Never deny each of you finding that again from your past experiences.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Love? Sure.

Trust? Much more difficult, IMO, though plenty manage to do it.

Eventually, anyway.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

tripad said:


> there's a man friend whose wife cheated and ran off with OM , but right now she broke off with OM n married another man . They managed to remain cordial for children's sake .
> 
> This man is showing interest in me , a single mum . I am apprehensive .
> 
> ...


VERY good question, OP.

There are probably a lot of us (betrayed spouses) who honestly can't answer that....

He may very well be able to trust you, but don't be terribly frustrated with him if he can't....


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Love? Sure.
> 
> *Trust? Much more difficult, IMO*, though plenty manage to do it.
> 
> Eventually, anyway.


:iagree:

Bingo, Gus.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes, but..

Hearts are broken. Hearts heal.

Trust is lost. Trust is found again.

Take every experience you can in life. Learn from it. Grow from it.

Never deny anything in life. The good. The bad. 

In the end...it's all good, as long as you don't hurt others on the journey.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I suppose I would have trust issues as well wrt finances n physical abuse 

N he with affairs trust. That which I probably didn't think he should doubt me as I was n m not a cheat n don't think ever be one, not brought up that way. 

Oddly he may tthink I should not mistrust him on finances n physical abuse. As I know, he was the provider for his ex during marriage n he didn't hit his ex when she cheated


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like a great guy.

the question is can you love and trust again?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Not only can He love again, most likely if you show him loyalty, he will love you more than he ever loved anyone. From first hand experience, you APPRECIATE things much more when you have been negatively affected. Often we take things for granted and then something happens to make us open our eyes and realize it. His marriage ended badly, but I bet you he has taken many lessons learned from that experience and hopefully could put them to great use in his next relationship.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> sounds like a great guy.
> 
> the question is can you love and trust again?


Yup that's the question I ask myself too 

He impresses me as a great sweet guy, giving me the encouragement n advices. Even when he's on biz trip, he'll tell me to text n he'll reply asap. All these without trying to get into my panties. Not even touching a finger. 

Can I love Again? same anewer as Gus in earlier post - yes. 

Trust Is a tougher issue. 

But so far all I see is a great guy , but got to know him in deeper depth .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Observer said:


> Not only can He love again, most likely if you show him loyalty, he will love you more than he ever loved anyone. From first hand experience, you APPRECIATE things much more when you have been negatively affected. Often we take things for granted and then something happens to make us open our eyes and realize it. His marriage ended badly, but I bet you he has taken many lessons learned from that experience and hopefully could put them to great use in his next relationship.


Loyalty. He'll find it in me. God, my ex is such an ass, feed us marginally, get into debts which he begs me to pay, hits me when I question abt money, drunk n grope a woman infront of me in company function, n I'm still loyally trying, or is it stupidly,  trying to save the marriage. 

So i think he saw that in mE.

plus he saw a good mummy in me, always ard with my kids, before n after divorce, n he knows I'm working my ass off to feed my kids. 

Loyalty? He got that In me!


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Read the whole story of poster BFF. IT was of HUGE comfort and lesson to me.

I don't know if I will love again. It took a while for me to even accept I could do it. Im still getting my head on straight but read his thread.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Once Burned ~ Twice Shy!"

Except from my personal marital experience, I'd be compelled to say that it has been "Twice Burned ~ Thrice Shy!"

And with the traumatic and overly deceptive way that my second marriage went, I would certainly have more than a justifiable case for quitting and just giving up. At times, I feel kind of like the "poster child" for victims of abusive and deceptive marriages, but in my heart, I really feel that I want to find love again, but then suddenly back away from it, largely internalizing that the whole fault with my failure in both of my marital relationships lies solely within me, in that I was the one responsible for who I was as a person, and for what I did, or failed to do was causal for those relationships ultimate demise!

That being said, why on earth would I want to pull out a gun and shoot myself a third time! Unless, of course, I'm a self-masochist!*


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tri, let's start with some cold hard facts, everyone has baggage, and those that tell you they don't you stay away from because they either are lying to you and living in their mom's basement and lying to themselves. the best you can hope for is to find someone who is caring, kind, honest, had a job and tender with their touch. both of you have felt the stings of betrayal, so you have common ground to begin with, you can each other heal and hopefully fall in love, trust will be an issues for both sides, but what is the alternative loneliness the denial of happiness while your ex is living up life? its time to heal, time to assess your life and time to make new friends and possibly new loves from one of those friends. baby steps...ask him out for coffee or wait for him to ask you, do not be afraid to live your life...not all men are jerks....of course not all men are saints either but we fall in the spectrum...good luck


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *"Once Burned ~ Twice Shy!"
> 
> Except from my personal marital experience, I'd be compelled to say that it has been "Twice Burned ~ Thrice Shy!"
> 
> ...


Why is it your fault?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tripad said:


> Why is it your fault?



*Would it not be logical to assume that who I am as a person, or what I did, or did not do as their H, was the common denominator that led to both of my W's changes of heart and ulltimate straying?*


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

frankman said:


> Read the whole story of poster BFF. IT was of HUGE comfort and lesson to me.
> 
> I don't know if I will love again. It took a while for me to even accept I could do it. Im still getting my head on straight but read his thread.


looking for the thread


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Would it not be logical to assume that who I am as a person, or what I did, or did not do as their H, was the common denominator that led to both of my W's changes of heart and ulltimate straying?*


maybe you got the same type of wrong women twice ?

maybe both times , they are pretty party type ?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think it depends on the man and how deeply hurt they were by the betrayal. I am just like your guy and I admit I struggle a lot on the emotional bonding/trusting a woman part. 

If being completely honest if my only life choices are 

A) take a risk again of putting my heart and soul into a woman knowing that I could seriously be burned again

Or 

B). Just date and keep an emotional distance so I don't get hurt again 

I think I would choose B but always hope that I can try A again.

All depends on the woman and her level of understanding and willingness to build a life together, communicate, have openness and trust.......that has been very difficult to find in the real world dating


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think it depends on the man and how deeply hurt they were by the betrayal. I am just like your guy and I admit I struggle a lot on the emotional bonding/trusting a woman part.
> 
> If being completely honest if my only life choices are
> 
> ...


that may be how he feels .

but it is also how I feel .

honestly , I understand completely .

However , I just don't think I want to spend the rest of my life alone without love , a soulmate , and without sex  ( I don't believe in casual sex )


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I want to say that it was my college sophomore English Lit professor, Dr. Copeland, an absolutely lovely lady, who told us one Spring morning during lecture something to the effect of that "we and the lives we live, are all like books! There are some that you will pick up and read and totally absorb, and there are those books that you just can't make it past the preface before laying it aside for good. Relationships are much like that! So my advice for you is to choose wisely!"

She went on to say that she had picked out her "favorite book" while she was working on her Master's degree who happened to be a young Presbyterian minister and that they had been a team for some 30 years together raising 4 kids. Even as a young college undergrad guy, I smiled at that and told myself, "I want that in my life!"

To this very day, I still do! But after both of my marital shortcomings, I'm rather uncertain as to wanting to subject myself to the probability of a third tragic heartbreak!

I know that I really shouldn't feel that way, but at times, I seemingly cannot help it!

Love is one thing; but trust is clearly another!*


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

tripad said:


> there's a man friend whose wife cheated and ran off with OM , but right now she broke off with OM n married another man . They managed to remain cordial for children's sake .
> 
> This man is showing interest in me , a single mum . I am apprehensive .
> 
> ...


if you respect him well , he will be a king , your king ;If he deserve you too , you will be happier than anytime , because both of you are tired ,only love can heal your heart , body and mind ....


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

honestly , I don't know which is more painful ? 

H cheated with affair , divorced and give me the alimony support so that I n children may live comfortably ?

or 20 years , H feeding us marginally while I pay 80% bills , in debts repeatedly that he begs me to pay promising to be good H and dad n which wipes out my bank account repeatedly , hitting me when I quarreled about his state of finances . I quarreled with him that he could be having a woman n I am paying the bills for all I know . he kept blaming his parents n sisters .

then telling me he rather choose his lazy not working shopaholics parents n sisters over me n children . now I don't even know if I will get alimony n support as I think he may very soon be bankrupt since I wont pay his debts anymore . I just open bills and I cried to see his bank loan piling up , the same bank I paid off previously .

frankly , I rather he has a woman n leave , and provide money so that my children n I can eat and live . or at least leave with my bank account untouched so I don't have to work my ass off now .

baggage both on me and my guy friend.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Zouz said:


> if you respect him well , he will be a king , your king ;If he deserve you too , you will be happier than anytime , because both of you are tired ,only love can heal your heart , body and mind ....


haha 

after my ex , any man who feeds me and pays bills can be king !!!! thot that is a man's duty .

If I don't need to work my ass off to pay debts and feed kids , you are king !!!! I serve you like king !!! **** , I cook really well n even bake cookies . Haha , my ex complain to my helper that he's eating sh**ty food now . my response ? great - suffer - a**hole .

Actually this guy friend tasted some already , delivered some as thank you for your advice .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

hahaha

cant resist this 

he can be king in the bedroom too


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You've gotten more than enough answers and they seem to be mostly yes, but I'll add mine. Absolutely yes. Twice cheated on and I love my current wife more than I did any of them.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> You've gotten more than enough answers and they seem to be mostly yes, but I'll add mine. Absolutely yes. Twice cheated on and I love my current wife more than I did any of them.


happy for you 

pray I will get there too .


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tripad said:


> that may be how he feels .
> 
> but it is also how I feel .
> 
> ...


But that's the rub. Sex is easy to find and tangible. You either have it or you don't. Love and soulmate are great if you can find them but looking for it is no promise of success. It's a rare find in my opinion


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Would it not be logical to assume that who I am as a person, or what I did, or did not do as their H, was the common denominator that led to both of my W's changes of heart and ulltimate straying?*


You are in no way responsible for the cheating of your wives.
For some reason, you chose women who did not have the same values as you do. There is something in those women that you were drawn to that you did not realize was a danger. It may have been the same thing in both of them or it may not have been. My concern for you is that you find out why you were drawn to evil women, because if you are trying to figure out how you caused them to stray, you will never find an answer, because you did not cause them to stray.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

People can and do fall in love again.

With that said, it seems you are only getting to know him so go slow.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Wolf 

Agreed 

I suppose u r not those who fall in love easily, my guess 

I m that. I don't fall in love easily. I'm attractive, getting a man is not a problem. But I've my requirements N I m not ' a easy lay ' type. Some doesn't pass the conversation stage, some gets touchy, some just trying to see if they can get a free romp. 

So... Let's see where cupid will shoot the arrow n hope he gets the right shot this time, that little fellow


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tripad said:


> Wolf
> 
> Agreed
> 
> ...



Certainly not anymore. I am way to cautious now

What strikes me is my friends who says when you find the right one all the practical nonsense and being reserved and holding back will just not matter. I doubt that very much. I have become way too practical about love and relationships lol and can't see ever being ruled by emotional again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> You've gotten more than enough answers and they seem to be mostly yes, but I'll add mine. Absolutely yes. Twice cheated on and I love my current wife more than I did any of them.


So you have been married three times and the first 2 cheated? How did you establish trust again enough to take the plunge again?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Certainly not anymore. I am way to cautious now
> 
> What strikes me is my friends who says when you find the right one all the practical nonsense and being reserved and holding back will just not matter. I doubt that very much. I have become way too practical about love and relationships lol and can't see ever being ruled by emotional again.


Well it's because you haven't fallen in love since, Wolf. 

But when it happens, GOOD LUCK. All of the caution and practicality go out the window once someone gets you in the heart center and pulls on your feelings.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > *Would it not be logical to assume that who I am as a person, or what I did, or did not do as their H, was the common denominator that led to both of my W's changes of heart and ulltimate straying?*
> ...


Yup

Study the two n see where's the issues n prevent a third 

A person who strays is one without principals. Not your fault they stray. 

Maybe you contributed to the divorce. But to stray is their immoral choice. 

My ex failed me yet I didn't stray. I m attractive n I've people trying to hit on me but I don't stray even under hardship with my ex. My ex knows n he abused the loyalty in me.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> People can and do fall in love again.
> 
> With that said, it seems you are only getting to know him so go slow.


Yeah

Slowly slowly slowly 

My heart is tender n raw


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Wolf1974 said:
> 
> 
> > Certainly not anymore. I am way to cautious now
> ...



Agree with this 

Wolf 

When a nice lady comes along n wins your trust, you let us know your caution is out of window


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Well it's because you haven't fallen in love since, Wolf.
> 
> But when it happens, GOOD LUCK. All of the caution and practicality go out the window once someone gets you in the heart center and pulls on your feelings.


Wel will see lol. I can't ever see that being the case Again However I never thought I would be divorced at 40 either


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

tripad said:


> Agree with this
> 
> Wolf
> 
> When a nice lady comes along n wins your trust, you let us know your caution is out of window


Deal


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Wel will see lol. I can't ever see that being the case Again However I never thought I would be divorced at 40 either


It generally happens when you LEAST expect it.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> It generally happens when you LEAST expect it.


hahaha

if this guy friend /neighbor were to be interested in me n we if we ever work out . it would one those drama movie - when u least expect it .

I actually tried to set him up with another single mum much earlier , upon the insistence of another gf . Good thing he wasn't interested there as I knew that that woman is a little easy with men and a party girl , so I was concern she will hurt his heart . seems he was smart after one divorce and wasn't interested even though she is a hottie .

turn out that the introducer/ match maker is divorced herself now and he is keen on her !!!! hahaha


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Wel will see lol. I can't ever see that being the case Again However I never thought I would be divorced at 40 either


Wolf, mate, remember that if you have a wall up to keep all the bad stuff out, you're not letting any good stuff in either. 

You're living with your girlfriend now, are you in love with her? Really, deeply in love? If you're not, she needs to know that.

I've said a couple of times on TAM that we have some really lovely men posting here - I count you among those, along with Gus, Arbitrator, Larry Gray, Carribean Man (I miss him, wish he'd come back) and a couple of others who I can't remember right now, lol. 

You've got to take a risk my friend, you can't live in hyper vigilance forever. Imagine being with your girlfriend for the next 30 years, too scared to marry her in _case_ she cheats - and she _never_ does. You two (or you and someone else) could have a great life together...but you have to relax a bit and let yourself trust just a little...

Please take this in the spirit in which it's intended...I hope I don't upset you.

Arbitrator - you are NOT responsible for either of your wives cheating. I don't care what you did or didn't do, they chose to cheat, that's on them. If you're not happy in your relationship/marriage you either get happy or you get out. You don't cheat. Not ok.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tripad said:


> looking for the thread


Click community
Then members
Then b
Pick bff
Click him
Pick threads started by bff

Crash and burn with a truly EPIC ending. Read the whole thing.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Click community
> Then members
> Then b
> Pick bff
> ...


read 5 pages .

cant understand why wife cheated when he is earning well and providing well .

like what was said in an earlier post - u don't know what u lost till u lose it 

n I add - esp when u realize u cant find another just as good as the old one .

just like my friend (the man) , he provides n wife doesn't even work n she cheats .

me - I work my ass off to provide as my H fails me , n my H fights n hits me . I didn't even cheat .

if he ends up well with me , that will make my ex and his ex two sorry asses .


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Click community
> Then members
> Then b
> Pick bff
> ...


Is the thread the one titled wife n best ffriend have Ea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Weightlifter?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

A broken heart and broken trust are very much like bones. When they are broken it hurts like hell, but eventually they do heal. If good care is given and the bones are set properly, then the memory is minimal and scar tissue and calcification is minimal. If the bone is not set properly or doesn’t get the nourishment it needs then it will mend badly and it will be a constant reminder, maybe even affecting the viability of the person.
Worse still, sometimes they must be rebroken in order to set them correctly.

But…the instinct to walk and play will always be there.
Just as he has had a tough time of it, so have you.
By this age it is expected that we have some scars and a few breaks.
Those who do not, have lived a timid or very lucky life.

The question is really are both of you comfortable enough with each other’s scars and mends that you can work out a relationship that is beneficial to both of you?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> A broken heart and broken trust are very much like bones. When they are broken it hurts like hell, but eventually they do heal. If good care is given and the bones are set properly, then the memory is minimal and scar tissue and calcification is minimal. If the bone is not set properly or doesn’t get the nourishment it needs then it will mend badly and it will be a constant reminder, maybe even affecting the viability of the person.
> Worse still, sometimes they must be rebroken in order to set them correctly.
> 
> But…the instinct to walk and play will always be there.
> ...


He seems pretty alright, speaking confidently that he n ex r amiable now. It's been 5-6 yrs for him.

Mine is still fresh. 

But knowing what happen to each other's divorces, n knowing we r both not the cheaters, is some comfort to me, n I guess to him as well. 

Tread slowly n get to know each others personality is impt. At minimum, we know we r both not cheaters, n both are good parents who had custody of kids. 

Inevitably, the heart is a little colder.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Wolf, mate, remember that if you have a wall up to keep all the bad stuff out, you're not letting any good stuff in either.
> 
> *You're living with your girlfriend now, are you in love with her? Really, deeply in love? If you're not, she needs to know that.
> *
> ...


thank you for the kind words 

Yes I do love her however she has some really big communication issues. Unfortunately the two things trust, and therefore intimacy, are built on is communication and time of action proving you are trustworthy. 

And yeah we have talked about the lack of commincation several times but this is either the most she is capable of, or isn't interested in pushing further. Either way I couldn't marry someome I can't communicate with intimately or deeply. 

From advice I have gotten here I am giving her time to see if she comes around, don't know that she ever will but for now we are happy together. Only time will tell


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've thought about this one alot over the years, since I'm quite sure a divorce will be part of my future at some point. I think, although however true it may or may not be, I can't trust a woman to the extent of marrying her ever again. To be in the situation of having to turn over half of my finances at the whim of someone else is not a situation I would ever put myself in again. Would I love someone again, yes, but there would always be a stipulation that I would never agree to marriage again.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

In your case u provided


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

tripad said:


> Is the thread the one titled wife n best ffriend have Ea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the one he meant. It answers your question directly near the end. 

I was betrayed many years ago. It was my finace not my wife so many may not think it the same as a wife but I think it's the similar enough. In short I found a beautiful woman whom I now have shared 25 years with. I love her more than I ever loved the betrayer. So yes a betrayed man (or woman) can love again. It's really all about the neurochemicals. I did have baggage left over that reared its head when we had marriage issues. I had to work through some trust issues but like another poster said we all have baggage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

tripad said:


> Is the thread the one titled wife n best ffriend have Ea
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Click community
> Then members
> Then b
> Pick bff
> ...


Here's a link to the thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

meson said:


> tripad said:
> 
> 
> > Is the thread the one titled wife n best ffriend have Ea
> ...


Sweet 

Hope I'll get there too

For the guy I m talking abt as well

?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Yes he can. The experience might have hurt him but not disabled him. Take things slow.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

tripad said:


> weightlifter said:
> 
> 
> > Click community
> ...



Read all

Touching. shed happy tears to read about his new born son. 

Bff resonates with me. 

At least he, just like me, didn't think there's a need to see the ex gets hurt or run over to get his own happiness.

Think that's impt to move forward. 

Trying to be better at that.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Angelou said:


> Yes he can. The experience might have hurt him but not disabled him. Take things slow.



Let's see.

Have not even dated yet. Him or anyone. 

The last he asked me out was a year ago to hear me sob n tell what happened btw ex n me. He was shocked as I've always try to be the happy wife happy mum.


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