# One Last Shot?



## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

Without going into massive detail. My wife has filed for Divorce because of my infidelity. She's moved to a new city and from her actions is fully moving on. 

We haven't spoken in a month as i've been working on myself and i've been giving her the space she needs to be happy. I do not call/text/email or any other communication to respect her wishes. 

Her words have been back and forth. 
1. We have to fix ourselves before we can fix "us" 
2. I'm addicted to you and I need to break the addiction
3. You'll meet someone else before I do and be happy
4. Are you willing to wait for us to fix ourselves? 
5. I have the same feelings for you they are just under a very 
deep layer of anger. 
6. I can't come back like I want to because nothing would 
change
7. The person she is supposed to be with wouldn't do this to her

8. You'll always be someone important in my life. However long this takes. Find out who you want to be and who you want to be with

9. I have to get this divorce, its the only way I can start fresh. The day i sign those papers will be tough, i just have to keep telling myself this is what i have to do to prove to myself 

10. Friendship being very very important. If there ever is to be a new relationship it will have to start with friendship

11.i'm not asking you to give up hope. you have to find out the right thing to hope for

These are just some of the things she's told me over the past 2 months. 

When it first happened I tried giving her the same space she requested then and she asked me why I hadn't come with my proverbial boom box in the rain? 

That If I would have came and got her two weeks earlier (She went on vaca) that she would have came back no questions asked. 

I feel like I owe me/her/our marriage at the very least a drive to her city and let her know that I care about her and want to see her happy. That we can do it together and be better for it. I haven't figured out a proverbial boombox in the rain moment yet but i'm plotting. 

I guess I just need some advice/wisdom/2x4 to the head. Thanks for reading! 


The Divorce will be final in a month. This weekend I have the opportunity to go to the city she has recently moved to.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

She sounds conflicted. I'd say give it a try and see what happens. At least you'll have peace of mind that you gave it a shot. But I would't have too high of expectations. Maybe show you're working on change by getting an individual counselor before you go. Wishing you luck either way.


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

Thank you for your reply! I have pretty negative/low expectations but I do want to keep a positive attitude so it will shine through my words. 

I figure it can go one of two ways and If I don't go I might regret giving up in the 4th Quarter. I'm trying to prepare myself for either answer. I've been working with an individual counselor and attending AA meetings, trying to "Get a Life" to work on getting back on track for a good life, I would prefer if she was in it

Again, thank you for your reply


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

She sounds conflicted because she has trust issues. Infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage.



> I have the same feelings for you they are just under a very
> deep layer of anger.


 This is a biggie because it's much more than anger that she's feeling.



> You'll always be someone important in my life. However long this takes. Find out who you want to be and who you want to be with


 This sounds like it has happened more than once, and that's probably why she opted for a divorce.

She doesn't think that you will make that change and be fully committed to her.

I think that not only do you have to prove in no uncertain terms that you've changed but more important in her part ... can she forgive you and put all this in her past?

Only time will tell ... She wants to remain friends if you wish and maybe somewhere down the road, that spark may ignite again. Right now, it's smoldering.

Let me tell you this my man. ... you will have to work twice as hard as the next man to win her confidence again because of this trust issue. Are you up to it?


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

Thanks for the reply Kauaiguy. Your spot on as I had cheated before when we were dating (broken up at the time but still no excuse). 

From her words she has already moved past the cheating and she can forgive it. She can't get past the future believing that it will happen again and I certainly understand why she is feeling that way. 

It's hard to prove anything 10 hours away but i've been doing my best to stay the straight and narrow and do what's necessary to take those negative influences out of my life. Still a lot of work to do no doubt about it. I'm committed to doing the heavy lifting...

We've been separated physically for 5 months now and at the beginning she would say she had to convince herself every night that I didn't have someone else in my bed. I can't imagine what that does to one's psyche. 

I'm trying to be realistic about expectations and slim shots but I can't give up hope. Controlling my emotions around her will probably be the toughest if she agrees to meet me. 

I'm not going to "show up" at her door and try to pressure her with my life but rather just text her that I'm in the City and would love to meet and take our dog out. If she agrees to come meet, excellent. If not I have to be ready to accept that.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

If it were me and I were getting these messages from her, I would start sending messages back. Not long letters about wanting her back, etc. But things that will SHOW her. Send her flowers every Friday. Send her notes, find some poetry if you're not a good writer. Send them with no explanation or just a "thinking of you." Think of things you've never done but you know she would really like. You'll be showing her you're thinking of her but you're still respecting that she wants some time. You're not asking for anything, just doing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Out--this goes without saying but, before you can even consider winning her back, you must end ALL contact with the other woman (women). Have you done that? And told her?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

> *She can't get past the future believing that it will happen again *


This is the one that she will have to overcome. Forgiveness is one thing, but the suspicious mind will linger on for quite sometime.

How's that saying go " Fool me once, shame on you ..."?

JB has the initial right approach, but I would take it one step further and make it public and hopefully your wife will see or hear about it.

I hear a lot about Facebook lately and ending your relationship with the other woman through someplace like Facebook may begin to prove your seriousness about wanting your wife back.

You can talk to your wife till you're BLUE in the face, shower her with gifts, but that won't convince her of anything. Like I said, she needs to see or hear *PROOF* from other sources.

Good Luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> JB has the initial right approach, but I would take it one step further and make it public and hopefully your wife will see or hear about it.
> 
> I hear a lot about Facebook lately and ending your relationship with the other woman through someplace like Facebook may begin to prove your seriousness about wanting your wife back.


:iagree:


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

Guys & Ladies! Thank you so much for replying. 



> If it were me and I were getting these messages from her, I would start sending messages back. Not long letters about wanting her back, etc. But things that will SHOW her. Send her flowers every Friday. Send her notes, find some poetry if you're not a good writer. Send them with no explanation or just a "thinking of you." Think of things you've never done but you know she would really like. You'll be showing her you're thinking of her but you're still respecting that she wants some time. You're not asking for anything, just doing.


These are great ideas. I should have done this more when she left but too late to go back now. That is one of her biggest things is me to stop "talking" about working on the relationship and get doing. I don't have the address that she is staying at and last time I dropped off flowers for her, she called me very angry saying I was making her feel guilty for her decision to divorce. 



> Out--this goes without saying but, before you can even consider winning her back, you must end ALL contact with the other woman (women). Have you done that? And told her?


The infidelity was two instances of one night stands. I've had no contact with either one and certainly haven't reached out to either one. I owned up to the infidelity once she accused me of it but obviously me admitting it up front she says she would have stayed. 



> Like I said, she needs to see or hear PROOF from other sources.


100% Agreed. Our mutual friends have cut contact with me and she's moved 10 hours away. We still have Joint bank account and joint cell phone plan so if she was really interested she could see what i'm spending/who i'm calling. How to somehow show that proof to her is turning into quite the challenge. 

Again, thanks for replying everyone.


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