# Am I jumping the Gun?



## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 23 years, mostly happy years, although we thought we could use a little spice, so we joined a swingers site. 

Immediately after meeting our first group of people my husband and I decided that this was not for us. We, or should I say I could never be with anyone that I didn't have a relationship with, therefore we decided to try to meet friends to just go out and go dancing or have fun with. We live in a rural area and have a hard time meeting people. 

My husband always was looking for couples that we could out and have fun with. We met some wonderful people on the site thatwere just looking for friends and thought just like we did. They were wonderful with no attachments. 

I started getting concerned when my husband was on the internet until wee hours of the morning. Since he is retired and has really nothing to do he was always on the internet at night (doing research on misc, surfing)I never gave it much thought, however, any time I walked into the room (after he thought I was asleep) he would quickly click ithe mouse and tell me that he was doing work research. I did come in one night and told him not to click the mouse and when I went over to the monitor there was porn on the screen. For the past 5 years he has passworded his computer so that I cannot get on. I have talked to some friends about this "porn" habit and was told that is just how guys are not to worry, so I did'nt. 

I thought that I was being to irrational but it was like every time that I went east to visit my family I would come home to some very suspecious things. I did catch my husband on acouple of things but never cheating on me. 
It wasn't until I had an emergency trip to be with my sick mother that the bigger proble arose. 

I decided to set a trap. I know it was a really bad thing to do, but I made up a fictional single woman on this swing site that he would visit frequently and contacted him. To my suprise he wrote me back and wanted to get together (mind you this was while I was back east with my sick mother) we carried on a conversation and he said that he played solo and that his wife had problems that got in the way of his sex life and that she was out east.. He asked her to come out that night. She (I) made up some lame excuse for not being able to meet and left it at that. 

Well I was devistated, hurt, betrayed. A couple of weeks had passed and I thought to myself that maybe I baited him since I was the one that had persued him on line, so I created another fictional singel woman and did not contact him. It was that same night that the new fictional person was put on line that she was contacted and wanted her to come over to our home. 

I had enough, I told him about what I had done and that I knew all about his conversations and that if he wanted a single life he could have it. He told me that he was just flirting and that he was sorry. I am still out here with my mother and probable for another 3 weeks. Have I jumped the gun? He did say that he has been faithfull to me but when I told him that I would forget our problem it if he took a lie detector test to clear my fears. He got furious and said that we might as well forget our marriage, he was not going to take the test. Help me out here, did I jump the gun?


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are in this position. I'm learning that when we seek the truth it can be hard to handle. It is up to each of us if we really want to know the truth. Personally, I don't have a problem with what you did. If you had serious concerns you needed to do something to either confirm or deny those concerns. It looks like your gut feeling was correct but learning the truth is hurtful and hard to deal with. I don't know your H but his refusal of anything is a big red flag for me. If there is nothing to hide then why the refusal?


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

Thank you for answering my concerns. I never would have plotted against him , but I guess it's true "all is fair in love in war" . Actually my husband said that I was being sneeky!!! I am going to let my husband stew on this for a while. He said not to call him and that I would be getting papers in the mail soon. I guess my separation papers. I did talk to my sister in law and she is furious with him. She stated that their father had an addiction to sex. if he would get help, I might consider. or do you think just let him set and think about what he did?


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

He is pissed off now because he has been caught. He has nerve to call you sneaky. What has he been doing? He is blame shifting, get use to that because he will more than likely continue to place blame on anyone but himself. I'm going through heavy blame shifting with my STBXH, it can be upsetting but you need to understand that many people play the blame shifting game. Let him file papers, act like it doesn't bother you. A divorce can be stopped at any time if things get better. Let him go for now, I know how hard that is on you but try to do it. Hang in there and keep posting here.


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

I think that you are right. I have done nothing wrong, except take care of my mom. Granite I have been gone a while, but I would never think of doing that to him. I think I will let him review what he wrote to his "single friends" and think about how it made me feel when I (they) actually got a response. The worst part is is that I will be here out east for a while, I would have rathered to confront him in person but when he contacted the 2nd woman I could'nt restrain myself. Thank you again for writing. I really feel better already. I'm gonna LET HIM STEW and think about how he would feel if I had done that to him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did nothing wrong - but boy has he crossed the line.

makes you wonder if he has successfully gotten any women (skanks) to take up his offer.

I think you want to think long and hard before any kind of continued relationship with him.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

how is it that the mere discovery gets you the paper served?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

As I said we have been married for 23 years. The last 5 have been questionable. We fooled around almost every night for 22 years. I mean 7 days a week. It has been in the last 8 months that things have slacked off. He really had no reason to cheat on me so I have always believed him when he says that he has never cheated.

A couple of years ago I went out east for a week and I came back to a resturaunt charge of around 50.00 on his credit card I knew that that was easily 2 meals. I called the resturaunt and the manager tracked down the receipt from the previous month and told me what they had. One of the meals was definately a womans meal ,Tilapia and a Strawberry drink.
When I confronted my husband for the 15 time, he finally told me that he loaned an older woman (single) money 250.00 and that she was going to pay it back. i did know this lady and called her. She was very reluctant to tell me anything. I was furious #1 that he lied and #2 he gave our money away. If I hadn't been so insistant on the issue I would have never found out. To this day he says that he didn't know that there were 2 meals on his ticket . He said that he must have paid for someones dinner that he wasn't aware of because he was at the bar and never looked at his receipt. I feel he was lying. 

He says that when he writes to single ladies that he is just flirting and that he is a sissy when it gets serious. I really want to believe him but I really don't trust him any more. 

What do you think, Oh by the way the incident above is one of about 3 that have happened while I was away.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My STBXH explained his $50-$60 meals away as this:
"Well everytime I go out to dinner I also buy another dinner for myself to take to work for lunch the next day." 
Then there was nearly a $1000.00 spent in an art gallery over a matter of a month and he explained that away as he had no idea what those charges were. He was going to call the bank and have those charges researched. That was in October, I've yet to hear what the research revealed. I know the reason I never heard the outcome of the research, no one used his card but him!!! Just another one of his dumb lies.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confused,

Your husband has done a terrible job of covering his tracks and he is not a very good liar. Fortunately for him, in the past you always eventually have dropped the issue without forcing him to come clean after catching him being deceptive or catching him in an obvious lie.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What do you want to do, now?


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

confused&betrayed said:


> My husband and I have been married for 23 years, mostly happy years, although we thought we could use a little spice, so we joined a swingers site.
> 
> Immediately after meeting our first group of people my husband and I decided that this was not for us. We, or should I say I could never be with anyone that I didn't have a relationship with, therefore we decided to try to meet friends to just go out and go dancing or have fun with. We live in a rural area and have a hard time meeting people.
> 
> ...


You did not jump the gun.

In my opinion, you had speculation about your husband, and you set the bait out there for him to get caught. 

I think you feel like this becuase you have decieved him. but do you feel bad about that? Truthfully it was a very savy technique. You got the results and you know now that your husband will invite sex very openly with other women. 

How to respond? Your husband seems to be wanting that type of excitement, and maybe should have opening talked to you about it as you both did about the swingers thing. You seem open minded enough. Maybe he wanted all the fun for himself, maybe he was protecting your feelings... 

whatever reason, you did not jump the gun by your actions


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

Thank you for the responses. I'm not sure what I am going to do right now, however I agaiin I will ask him to take a lie detector test first off. 
I have been up all night braiinstorming. Of course no call from the Husband, (I really didn't expect one) I'm not sure if I want to be single again. 

I am 58 and the thought frightens me but I really do not want to live with such distrust in a person. I do love my husband but I think we have become disconected. I would love for him to go to counseling but I know that he won't. 

I suppose if I were to go on my own I would be ok. I have family enough to get me through hard times and my husband and I are ok when it comes to money. Actually he said that wasn't going to cheat me out of anything. That's a good thing. 

This all couldn't have happened at a worst time. My mother has had a stroke and I have been the nurse, but I need to take care of my affairs back home. Eventually I will have to leave her. I am so dissapointed in my husband. You know even if he wasn't cheating what the heck was he doing on that web site talking to single ladies? I'm sure that he thinks that that is ok, but not with me. I am so tired of not trusting him. 
The funny thing is is that he always accused me of be unfaithful, what a switch. A guess a fox smell his own hole first, as they say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I doubt that he will send you divorce papers. That is usually used as a threat to get the BS (betrayed spouse) to back down. But he has done the damage.

At this point you really do need to assume that he has met up with some women for sex. Even if he has not it’s not for lack of trying. So the intent is there. 

If you are interested in trying to recover your marriage, you should demand complete transparency. He needs to give you the password for his computer, email accounts, his account on that site, his cell phone etc. Any less than full disclosure and full transparency is unacceptable.

The problem you have is that if you ask for the transparency now he has the time to clean up his act. So you might want to wait until you return home.


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

Hi Elegirl,
I agree with you if in fact I want this marriage to continue. I'm not sure if it is do-able. He has lied in the past to me and will not disclose infor on a trip that he took 3 yrs ago when I was gone. The only way I knew about it was again looking on the credit card and seeing a charge to a Denny's. I called the mgr and the transaction took place at 5o am.. My husband said he was plotting something that he did not want me to be involved in. Business related. At that time we had a business.

Instead of trying to get the answer, I let it go believing him and not wanting to get involved in something that could be illegal.

Am I so nieve? I guess I just don't want to believe that he could be seeing someone while I was gone. I really am a good wife. I do everything for him. I fix everything around the house truley I have fixed the roof by myself to hanging drywall by myself. I try to make his life easier, and God forbid if I ask him to repair anythink. I am beginning to believe that I should be the man of the house, as well as try to be there for him when he needs me, although when he started requesting sex 2 times a day I put my foot down. 

Sorry for rambling. I just don't understand why he would do these thing to someone who is so devoted. I will wait until I get home to ask for transparency on computer and other items
I'm just not sure if that will satisy my anger. Maybe with some counseling, I don't know if I even want to go through the effort.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused, 

I get exactly what you are saying. When a person gets to the point your husband is at they are often beyond the point of return. 
I'm sorry to say it but from personal experience something is truely broken in a person when they get to that point. Sometimes it can be fixed but the "broken" person has to be willing to work on themself.

You can try. You have a lot of leverage (I believe) because as a good wife your husband depends on you for a lot in his life. He would be devistated if you were to divorce him. 

I know I am assuming here. But this is the case in many marriages. That is why the WS (wayward spouse) goes to such lengths to hide what they are going. They want their spouse and they want to be play around... they need their spouse. If they did not need the spouse they would have walked a long time ago.

Since you will be away from home for some time more you might want to do things like monitor your finances very carefully. If he feels theatened he might start to move things out of your reach. Even though he said that he would not try to cheat you financially, things can get pretty ugly during a bad marital fight and/or divorce.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this at the same time that you are dealing with your mother's stroke. My mom had a bad stroke in 2001. It took so much work to get her back on her feet (literally). She did pass away 5 years later, but she was able to have a pretty good last few years after the stroke. I hope your mom pulls through.

Have you considered asking (insisting) that your husband come out to where you are for a while to help you out? It might help to stop his nonsense until you can get home and the two of you deal with your marriage.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Let’s see, you caught him red handed seeking sex with other women twice and badmouthing you, saying “you got in the way of his sex life” even though you have sex daily.

When confronted with these undeniable facts, rather than begging your forgiveness, he balks at your understandable request for a polygraph and attempts to bully you into submission by threatening divorce.

One would suppose there is more under the surface here that he fears will be revealed. If you had spent your entire marriage directing events because of your unfounded fears and suspicions, I could see a polygraph request as being the last straw. BUT, he has given you many reasons to not trust him and has lied to you, and you don’t come across as unreasonably suspicious. 

He is probably just as afraid of divorcing and being alone as you are. He’s just bullying you into dropping this and pretending it never happened. If you drop it unresolved, expect it to continue. If you need to know the truth about his suspicious behavior, follow through on the polygraph. I’d call his bluff. You deserve better.


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your mom. This truly is a hard time for me, but my mom is doing ok. 

I have been away from home for about 2 months less 10 days. 
I know that my husband is lonely, but no excuses for him, I didn't mind the porno (well I really did) but I cannot deal with the e-mailing. You know now that I think of it, after I refused my husband sex 2 times a day, he always talked about getting a girlfriend, he asked me or told me that he needed one. I really thought he was kidding. Maybe not. I would never agree to that. I would rather be single and keep him as MY bootie call.

I kept a journal of my feelings from the first time he responded to the "single female" to the last one. I read him my journal and you know I wrote in there that something had broken in my heart, instead I think it is my spirit. Sad to say. .... 

I am going to make appropriations to go home at the end of the month. Luckily my sister said she would come down and I will go home and hopefully get some things straightened out. 

I am so embarrased because I told my family we (my husband and I ) were going to transport my mom to my home. They do not know any of my delima I know that they are depending on me.. I am trying to keep a happy face for my mom, while all the while my mind is flooded with 1000's of thoughts all day long. 

I am afraid to invite my H down here incase we get into a confrontation. 

I did notice today that he changed his picture on the swing site that he was on. It is a picture of a beautiful field with a rainbow, instead of a pornagraphic picture. What does that mean? Oh well he was still on the site for whatever reason. 

I am still going to wait for him to call me!!!!


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Why do you accept him staying on a swing site when you're not interested in participating?


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

Thanks for the reply StrangerThanFiction 

I do think a polygraph is in order. I really do think there is more to the story than what I have found out. I believe this is a do or do without situation. 

I know that my husband depends on me trememdously and a divorce would leave him devastated, I have enabled him so much he doesn't even know how to pay the bills on his own. 
He is on the internet sometimes til 5 in the morn. I always have to take care of all of the problems of the day until he decides to get up which has been as late at 3:00pm sometimes. I hate it, but I don't complain. I just have taken a new attitude that "You are only as happy as you want to be" That saying has saved me.

I do believe that my husband thinks that I will call him and try to work things out, and yes maybe at some point I will, but I will insist again on a polygraph. At this point I think it is the only way, and again I think counseling on the porn issue.


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## confused&betrayed (Mar 11, 2012)

I have begged him to get off that site. In fact for the last year the bill would keep showing up on my credit card. I tell him and he would say that they keep billing him accidently and that he will take care of it. A couple of months will pass with no charges and then again I will find charges. In December 2011 we were charged and I let him know, he said that the trial time was getting ready to run out and they would not bill any more. to my surprise, in Jan. they billed me again I was furious, and told him to cancel the site so he did. When I got my feb bill sure enough he canceled the jan bill however I was billed again for a new monthly membership, again an argument. Again he said he would take care of it. I would cancel the membership but I cannot get on to his site because he passwords everything and I need to cancel from his computer. I don't know what to do. I did just get my March bill and guess what??? you got it another bill.
He says is only 14 bucks big deal. I don't know how to cancel from my computer. Do you have any ideas? I guess it doesn't matter anyway.


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