# Should I tell my BS I have a time line?



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

I am committed to doing everything I can to save my marriage, change my not so good traits even after almost 7 years turmoil. But the 7 year anniversary of D day is my time line. If it's not a shred better. if I am still shut out, I am making myself initiate a D. 

My question is as a WS, should I tell the BS this or keep it to myself?


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

I guess I should call it a time limit? I am asking because I have become so honest. Only thing I can not tell him I am posting


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Communication is always for the best. Why won't you two do MC? You both obviously need to be better communicators.

Of course you need to let him know that you are coming to your limit.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

unsureone said:


> I am committed to doing everything I can to save my marriage, change my not so good traits even after almost 7 years turmoil. But the 7 year anniversary of D day is my time line. If it's not a shred better. if I am still shut out, I am making myself initiate a D.
> 
> *My question is as a WS, should I tell the BS this or keep it to myself?*


Yes, if you really want to try to save your marriage, you should tell him EXACTLY what you told us above.

"Husband, I am committed to doing everything I can to save this marriage, even after living in turmoil for the past 7 years. The 7-year anniversary of D-day is approaching, and if things are not a shred better, if I am still being shut out, I am filing for divorce."

Throw the ball in his court and see what he does with it. If he is equally committed to saving the marriage he will step it up. If not, you have your answer and can file. You will have some measure of peace knowing you tried everything and made your intentions clear.

On the other hand, if you really just want out, skip the speech and file.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you should. As it stands, he believes that there is only one path currently, and he doesn't know that there is a divergent path as well. He will keep going down that same path because he lacks the foresight to know better. Pretty much he lacks the awareness. His emotions are overruling his logic. Did he have self-awareness in the past? Anyways, the more complete picture you give him, the more information he will have to make a choice. You simply cannot operate on egg shells around him.

As always, know your strengths and weaknesses, and know yourself. Work on those weaknesses in the mean time. However things go, you will end up in a healthy mental state.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Clear communications with timelines is fine.
But I have observed that men in states like this often do not 'hear' what is being conveyed and only snap to attention when the D is announced.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

How can you expect an ultimatum to force him to change how he thinks and feels?

If it was so easy to change none of would need therapist and medication. We'd just snap our fingers or something.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

An ultimatum won't force him to do anything. It just puts him on notice that if nothing changes, there will be consequences. It's then up to him to decide if it's worth doing anything.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I guess. I still don't think it's going to accomplish anything. 

I've never seen an ultimatum do anything productive. At least, not long term. It just temporarily changes the behavior.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> An ultimatum won't force him to do anything. It just puts him on notice that if nothing changes, there will be consequences. It's then up to him to decide if it's worth doing anything.


Thats the way I take it too.
But if she said nothing, then it would just be a purposeful blindsiding.

He should at least be AWARE that he is needing more participation before all participation from his spouse is withdrawn.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

lenzi said:


> How can you expect an ultimatum to force him to change how he thinks and feels?
> 
> If it was so easy to change none of would need therapist and medication. We'd just snap our fingers or something.





Married but Happy said:


> An ultimatum won't force him to do anything. It just puts him on notice that if nothing changes, there will be consequences. It's then up to him to decide if it's worth doing anything.





lenzi said:


> I guess. I still don't think it's going to accomplish anything.
> 
> I've never seen an ultimatum do anything productive. At least, not long term. It just temporarily changes the behavior.



I didn't really look at it as an ultimatum. Just that I am about at the end of even trying. I don't even see myself anymore. I used to be the funnest free spirit girl and now I am in a constant state of confusion. 

I want him happy. He says he won't be any happier apart. But it's heading in that direction. 

He's against MC. We tried.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

I didn't want to tell him because I don't want anything forced at all. I want real. I am not same person though and I feel I have to be open, honest and upfront.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I would just warn him again that your expectation is that something needs to be changing, and changing soon. Just that the status quo is not acceptable long term. I wouldn't give him a particular day, as that would feel like an ultimatum, but just let him know that if something doesn't change soon, then you will be looking to make a change.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

unsureone said:


> I didn't want to tell him because I don't want anything forced at all. I want real. I am not same person though and I feel I have to be open, honest and upfront.


You make a very valid point here. If you give him the "deadline", that means to him (perhaps) "oh.....I can still be a jerk right up until a week before that".

As far as your time limit being an ultimatum, I don't see it that way. It is trying your everloving azz off, but letting him in the fact that you DO have limits - as in if it's not better, you're outta there.

You're just saying that you've tried and tried, but that you are bone weary, and you simply cannot take anymore beyond "DDAY +7".


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't want to tell him because I don't want anything forced at all. I want real. I am not same person though and I feel I have to be open, honest and upfront.
> ...



You make a good point. He knows I am a very forgiving person and I calm down quickly.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

unsureone said:


> I want him happy. He says he won't be any happier apart. But it's heading in that direction.
> 
> He's against MC. We tried.


If you want to 'force' something, 'force' MC. Just start going, invite him to go with. Tell him you need him to go with, because you are both still disconnected and it's not getting better without help.

Then go so far as saying if by the sixth session you haven't joined me, I'm going to ask the therapist if I should just file for divorce.

It would be a better way to handle it than just saying, you better be happy and at peace with my affair by year 7 or I'm leaving you. 

I have to tell you as a BS, there is not greater pain. I tried to R after Dday 1, but it was a miserable 2 years. Turned out she was still cheating on me, so Dday 2 we separated and are now divorced. It's been 10 months since Dday 2 and 4 months the D has been final. I'm much happier now than I was in the limbo between ddays, but I still have bad days. Very bad days. After 23 years of marriage where she was the love of my life, the daggers in my back left some big scars.

Life will never go back to the way it was. The question is, can you build a new life together that is worth living, understanding that he will ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS have that pain. It may get to a point where it only hurts on cold days when it's about to rain. But, he will carry it for life, and you put it there.


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