# My wife is leaving



## DougB (Sep 30, 2011)

My wife filed for divorce yesterday. I love her so much and I want to work it out. I don't know how much hope there is. We have two children. One I am not the biological father but he has called me dad for 3 years. We have been fighting off and on for about a year now. It started about 2 months before I came home from Afghanistan. Things get better and then worse. When we go through hard times, she starts saying that I'm so angry and she is frightened. I have never done anything to indicate that I would harm her or the kids. It is like she is prepairing to set me up if we go to court. I saw a counselor at her request and she went with me on the first visit to "tell the counselor" about my behavior. She was suprised when the counselor had things to say to her. She cried when we got home and said it was all her fault. The next week she didn't like my counselor, who said there was nothing wrong with me. She sought counseling herself and was prescribed antidepressants. After several sessions she started to say that she didn't like his advice with the things she needed to work on. I started seeing a new counselor and after several of my sessions, She started to come with me. She stopped going to her own. Things got worse again. Two weeks ago she wanted to go herself after we had gotten into an argument. She said I twist things when I just tell my side of the story. After that session she began stating whenever we argued that she was going to leave if I didn't change and it was for the kids. It was frequent. Our last session didn't end the best when I mentioned that she acts as though she is the only one who has parental power over our son. She was advised by the counselor not to use the phrase about her leaving. She did days later and I said if she wanted to leave then go. Things spiraled down from there. She thought I was going to take our baby and not give him back. She denied me taking him home and only allowed uncomfortable visits while her family stood guard like I was dangerous. I was stupid and went there without a witness for myself and feel like she has set me up. I don't know what to do. Despite everything, I want to work things out. She filed for divorce yesterday and finally decided to bring our baby to me before she went to work and is picking him up afterward. Our other son, which I am not the biological father, she probably won't let me see him. She doesn't want to even talk about the divorce and possibility of mending things. She still wants to contribute to our bills. I have been asking her to seek marriage counseling elsewhere from a real psychologist instead of a woman working out of her home. She refused to listen. She has depression and anxiety which I know are factors in how she is acting. I love her and want to grow old with her. Is there any way to get through to her? Is it over? Do I leave her alone and wait for her to calm down? To I tell her I love her when I see her or give her space?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Doug,
Im sorry that you are at this point, and going thru this. My exwife used the same line to many people about me when considering divorce, I even earned the title Mr. Angry in her cell phone texts.
Well, fact was, I had plenty to be angry about, her cheating and blaming me for never taking her out when she spent everything there was. I never abused her in any way shape or form, and counseling was unproductive as well. I think she like my ex was, is looking for an out. I had to come to the conclusion that something just switched in her mind, and had no real basis with which to place the reasoning behind divorce at all. Its kind of like when a kid hits a baseball thru the neighbors window, and everybody hauls asss. 
thats what she seems to be doing. running from something shes either done or from some unhappiness that she is not able to pinpoint. the anxiety and depression plus meds do not help the situation, or at least, it didnt in my story.
You are at a point that you are being forced to make a decision and its a helluva decision to have to make, when you know you feel something for that person. But you cant stop them. you cant take away whatever it is they are having problems with. I see that counselling didnt help a lot, and now it appears you are being set up as another Mr. Angry. 
Its time to make a plan bro. If I were you I would get documentation of the doctors orders and prescription requirements, and begin building a logbook of your everyday activities with your kids, and when she comes and goes. Keep a voice activated recorder or small recorder with you to switch on, when the sh!t hits the fan, all this in order to counter the bus she plans on throwing you under in court. My ex was prescribed xanax and once that sh!t kicked in, it was like there was not the slightest "feeling" of anything coming from her. I am now a month past my divorce, and still hear her say things like she feels sorry for ME. not that she has any responsibility or guilt for cheating (EA) and ruining our family, but that she pitys me. 
Gear up man. Its time to pull the edges in yourself and walk a straight line. Anyone that has to make up stories to offset their own guilt or to address situations, is beyond hope and not trustworthy even in the face of years of marriage you two had together.

You need to at minimum, set the motions in place to protect yourself if the worst begins to happen. Close or better yet pay off some credit card debt to get yourself in the best possible financial position you can. Do not allow joint credit cards to be used. Open a checking acct at another bank and begin to gain full control of your own cash without her ability to touch it. Talk to a lawyer. Learn your rights as a father in the state you are in, many states post the family laws on website, as I am now quite versed in the ins and outs of TX family code. 

I know you want to work it out. That is not beyond possibility as of yet, but the situation you described sounds hauntingly familiar to my ex's method of escape from mean old horrible me. 
As much as you love her you can and will find love for another. Keep that in the back of your mind as you make a plan to protect yourself as well. 
Read up on the 180, as this might apply to your situation currently, but DO protect yourself as well in parallel.


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## DougB (Sep 30, 2011)

She may or may not be planning to throw me under the bus. I do get riled up and over react to things, but I don't know where the violence claim stems from. Sheldon, the oldest at 11, has been getting depressed lately because or her and I arguing. I still don't know whether to believe that she is all out for blood. I can see evidence for it and also for her really thinking it is best. I don't think adultery is a factor here. When she left I think she was prepairing for divorce and hoping for reconcile. The week went badly. We both said things we didn't mean. I think we both misread each other's intentions. Right now neither of us trust each other. I think since I posted this thread, I have begun to see this past year and realized that I have been neglecting her and Sheldon. I have been so focused on fixing our house so we can move in, I never took her out to do anything. I was so worried about making Sheldon listen and do his chores I forgot to be there for him. I love him but I don't think I made him feel loved. Either of them. I don't think telling them and hugs are enough. We both have things to fix if this is to turn around. I don't care to try to find someone else. I don't believe in divorce and if it happens, according to the bible, being with another woman is still considered adultery. Plus, I don't want to confuse my baby and get him attached to different women that would come and go until I found another love. Not good for him. The man that Sheldon calls dad, me, has been taken from him. He has no control over it. I bet he misses me and feels this loss at least as much as her and I. This is why single parrents shouldn't date, at least until the children grow up. Their well being is more important than my wants and needs. The children always come first.


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## DougB (Sep 30, 2011)

I talked to our counselor and she said that Cassandra has been "crying out for help" for quite some time. I haven't listened. Don't think I am saying it is all my fault. We both need to work on ourselves. I just hope I didn't realize a day too late. My step father had a talk with me and made me realize some things while we were up in the woods working. I was going to go to town and talk to her. I never made it that far. I ran into my mother, who was driving up to tell me the news that Cassandra had filed. I literally was hours too late. My email that I sent her the night before that was pleading with her to see reason, made it seem like I was calling her crazy. That probably pushed her over the edge. Like I said, this week was just both of us not trusting each other and mis-interpreting each other's intentions.

She won't give me the chance to talk about things. I think that this is hard for her and she is scared she might take me back. I know I can live without her. But I don't want to.


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## DougB (Sep 30, 2011)

Well, according to her she filed under irreconcilable differences. She seemed disturbed that I thought she filed under violence. That came from my lawyer. I think my lawyer hasn't helped me much. I think she was going to come back. Then I talked to a lawyer who made me paranoid and suspicious. Each other's actions just escalated from there. Now it may be too late. It only takes one stone to break a window. She shouldn't have kept Daniel from me, but things should have gone differently.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Where were the people looking after you in all this?
Concerned about your long hours, working during this tough economy, trying to do what? CARE for them? The stresses on a modern man who is a father and a husband are outrageous, especially if there is no additional income in the family. Its completely up to you. So forgive me, if I seem a little caustic towards the boo-hoo story your wife is telling. It takes a grown up woman to understand your position to the point of appreciating your efforts, and leaving allowances that every beckon call will not be readily answered. Especially if she is not speaking to you about her needs. You are tearing yourself up with self-inflicting "things" you didnt do enough of this or that. You put food on the table? You kept a roof over their heads, and safety? You still hugged and expressed love? 
Healthy couples argue. Thats a fact of life and marriage. Its how things get expressed and worked out. 
I am afraid that you are taking wayyyy too much of this upon yourself and you cant do that. It sounds to me like youve done an exceptional job at being all the roles a man must play these days, yet, whose job is it to yell "Fire!" when the barn is burning? If you are unaware of it happening, theres no reasonable or logical expectation other than for those seeing something happening to say so. Not sit on their asss and just stew about how their life isnt a romantic getaway every weekend with fine wine and tropical sand beneath their feet. Suddenly its all YOUR fault. Damm you for spending all that time fixing up that house so your family could move in, and not taking her out for parties on the weekends. 
You need to dump this self-martyrdom. IF there was something tangible youve contributed to the breakdown of this marriage, you have shown the desire and will to work on it and get it fixed. The whole other part, is HER willingness to work on it and get it fixed too.
This "its too late" bullshyt is just that, bullshyt punishment.
Of course she filed for irreconcilable differences, because she doesnt want anyone to know about the OM in her life.

Your mention of Gods view towards divorce is a much debated issue. I would think HE could obviously see that you were forced into a divorce and knows your heart and what it would have preferred otherwise. I do not believe for one minute that He would have you remain a lonely man, and not receive the blessings and grace of a loving woman that appreciates you. The fact is that the truths of her reasoning for divorce is not being given to you. It could be adultry, of which you know according to your own understanding of the Bible, would free you to remarry.
I would seriously SERIOUSLY persuade you to talk to a pastor about that issue. I think you will find a loving God, who honors your work towards your marriage, and not a wrathful one.
Keep in mind whose decision it was to divorce, who filed, who decided to tear up the family to pursue it.
Being a martyr is not something God would have you to do, He's done it already.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Filling for divorce seems like it has finality to it. It is very hard to take, but your marriage isn't over yet. Begging and pleading won't get you anywhere. Trying to reason with them won't either. You love her right? You want her to be happy? At this point that isn't you. Read it again. Its the other guy. Read it again. That one thing is SO hard to take, but you need to internalize it and move forward. The only way she is going to be happy with you is if you accept she doesn't want you right now. You're not racing a clock or trying to prevent this horrible thing. Don't believe what she tells you. They will tell us anything they think will make us feel better. A good book on the internet to get inside a cheating woman's head is "Women's Infidelity". It isn't written by a Phd but the insights really hit home. You have to look at their actions. She filed for divorce and has been with another man. Those two things aren't your fault. They are on her. You need to take care of yourself. Eat, Exercise, and SOCIALIZE. I'll give you an experience that I had this weekend. 

I was out of town working and feeling very miserable. I had plans to go to a conference about one of my childhood interests. I went and had an awesome time. I met confident, passionate, and beautiful women. Before, when I was still wearing my wedding ring and thinking that I could "win her back" I would avoid attractive women like the plague. Now though, I had great conversations and these women were attracted to me. On my flight back home yesterday, I was seated next to a college senior who has traveled all over the world. I had a facinating conversation with her and she was also acting as if she was attracted to me. Before, I'd never have noticed these things. Needless to say I got home feeling like a million bucks and when my wife tried to bate me into another arguement, I didn't go for it. It was very empowering and confidence building. 

If you want to have a hope of saving your marriage, agree with her, get out of the depression, and meet other women. The change in your mood will be evident. I'm not saying back peddle on anything you've told her. You do want her and the marriage, but if she doesn't there is no need for you to live by rules she doesn't. Emotionally and in the eyes of God she's already divorced you. He knows where she has been. They didn't have divorce court in ancient times.


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## DougB (Sep 30, 2011)

First of all, no one said anything about any adultery on either of our parts. If she had slept with another man, then I would not welcome her back, period.
She left because her son has been very depressed lately. I believe it is mostly due to our bickering. I am not easy on him and it upsets him more. He doesn't feel he can do anything right, etc. Then he started having trouble with the other kids at school picking on him. So her leaving has some to do with that and I am sure she is using it as an excuse to hide her own unhappyness as well as enabling her to continue her denial of any wrong doing. She figured the could manipulate and get what she wanted by teaching me a lesson and it didn't work. So she filed. I am getting on though. It has only been a week so a little pain here and there is normal. It isn't like I am sulking around the house all day. I would like her to come home so we can try to work things out. That is what marriage is. Working constantly to change ourselves for the better to stay compatible with our mate. I have realized many of my faults that were previously hidden. I want to change them to make myself a better man. I can't make her realize her faults or make her desire to work on them. If she doesn't, then any reconcile will not be possible. 
She is torn up about this. I can tell. She is beautiful, but she looks like crap. Very tired and ragged looking and pale. She hasn't been eating well. But she is angry with me so she will forgive me or she won't. That is up to her. Like I said, I see things that I have to change. I have heard her finally, now if this is to work she needs to hear me and do her own reflecting. I guess we'll see what happens.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

Sorry about your situation. i was in your shoes in early may. I'm not going to lie, it stinks, just a roller coaster of emotions. At first I did the whole begging and pleading thing. Didn't work, there really isn't anything you can do in my opinion. If you try it is too little too late, if you do nothing it is, see this is why I am leaving. It is a lose lose situation. As hard as it is you have to just let her go. It is funny how they re-write history to justify their actions and hold on to every little thing they can come up with to justify to themselves that divorce is their only option. I know it is hard but you can't shoulder the blame for everything. I went through the same thing and still do somedays. My divorce was final a week ago last friday and it is still a struggle to just let go. I am in a better place now than I was 5 months ago but nowhere near where I would like to be. I would love to be still married to my wife and see my kids 6 & 10 full time, but I am not and there is nothing I can do but let her go and go on with life as I know it now and work on getting to a better place. Hope things get better for you. Keep posting on this forum, it has really helped me tons, I wouldn't be as good as I am if I never found this place. Good luck.


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