# What to do if wife wont help earn money



## Leolion

The past few years have been tight, and I've been able to work side jobs to help keep us afloat. But, the past year I've been struggling to keep up and I kept mentioning to my wife that I need help. I actually went from hint, to ask, to flat out demand. This past December I had my car repossesed, and I did manage to get it back...but that pretty much put me at my breaking point. I'd been scrambling for so long to make the bills...I told her flat out "you find the money for xmas". she didn't. I kept us going AND managed xmas for the kids. 3 months later now I finally had a blow up over the situation and said to her that "Ive lost all respect for her, given that she wont lift a finger to help". I've only asked if she could find something short term, part time to help get us back on our feet. she has not even looked for anything. now our relationship sucks because "I dont respect her". It was tough to say that about someone you love, but if you wont help for teh sake of your family then what? I feel so stuck in that I do love her, dont want to break up the family...but our situation is not going to change unless we take drastic measures. I'm working round the clock, selling my stuff on ebay...I'm freaking exhausted. I'm thinking this relationship should end...what should I do?


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## PBear

I'd question how you're going to be financially better off if your marriage ends... Sounds like you're the primary income earner, and guess what that means? Hint: it involves you living in a crappy bachelor apartment. 

How about trying to get some financial counseling, or budgeting help? Does she not feel the financial pressures that you do? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness

Don't give her another dime. Don't pay for anything for her. Problem solved.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Can you move into a smaller place, say a 1 bedroom, kids all get the bedroom, you guys rough it on a sofa bed in the living room. Also do the groceries yourself, no shopping for her. She has to give you a list and you do the buying. Same with cell phone. If she's not working and there's no money, she doesn't need a cell phone. Most of the time she ought to be home, or within walking distance if you have the one vehicle and need it to get to work.

You also shop for clothing together, resale/used all around, except for undies and socks. 

That's the way it goes when you're on a budget and single income with three kids. You need to be putting money into an emergency fund, and it needs to be in an account that requires two signatures to cash out.

Similarly, lock up our credit, there are options on credit agencies where you can specify no new credit can be taken out. 

Lastly, ask her if there is some reason she doesn't want to be outside the home on a regular basis for work. Some people have issues, such as agoraphobia. If she's a homebody, just thinking about being in a workplace is going to be stressful for her. :-( But, we all do what we need to do and cope with what we need to cope with for the sake of our kids.

You should not have done XMas. If your kids are old enough to expect gifts, they are also old enough to know that having solvency and food and housing security is more important than making pretend to them that life is a fantasy land where Christmas always happens. There are ways to give to kids without spending money. My kids aren't very materialistic, we cooked a special meal. They would rather have me home than working extra to pay for stuff we don't really need. They have begged me not to get a job outside the home - I can telecommute, so I contract and we can go camping and on bike rides. I'm a single mom. So I don't give out advice I don't live by! Have done the 1-bedroom thing. We only moved because of a lead paint fiasco the landlord and one of the tenants created, and ended up in a place where we all (theoretically) have our own bedrooms. My kids still share most of the time, at night, bunk beds. The place is not fancy, there were issues. But same price, which is cheap, you end up with slumlords but whatever, you get what you pay for, and more importantly, what you can truly afford (though I draw the line at active lead paint hazards as lead paint poisoning gives long-lasting symptoms, very damaging... and other things like black mold, etc. But you can get some places that are okay, not so bad or risking health that are within budget.)


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## Leolion

I do all the shopping. our expenses are home, car, and TV...thats it. no cell phones no extra anything. my home is about the cheapest you can buy in my state and it forces me to work an hour from home. my income is just enough to support that, but when you have an unexpected expense(like sons medical bill), then your nest egg is gone and you live paycheck to paycheck and the sometimes late fees and stuff kill you. when you get too far behind its hard to get back even. that is all I was asking- help getting us even. yes, I have thought about the fact that separate lives would be worse for everyone. but at least I would not have to come home and "see" lack of effort. yes, taking care of the home and kids is a "job"....but many moms still find time to roll up the sleeves and find something PT. I would have thought our car being repossesed would personally affect her and she finally "get" it. ....but nope.


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## unbelievable

Maybe you've covered this elsewhere, but why isn't she working? What could she do? What does she do with her time, now?


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## Leolion

she has been a stay at home mom since our first kid was born 17 years ago. our youngest is 8. she gets him ready for school: I drive him on my way to work. then she does housework. then has to get him after school at 3pm. so basically between 8:30am and 2:45 she is flat out with housework?? and yes, I realize not working in that long may limit her skillset....but she has not even inquired about ANY kind of job. and we have two drug stores within one block of our home. I think she qualifies for cashier, or filing at the nearby insurance agency. these jobs have been posted online. I mentioned, she ignored. we even have a furniture store 1 block away that wanted person to help with sales. I dont want to spy on how she spends her day, but somehow I think its relatively smooth sailing and filled with regular breaks. while alot of my days are frantic, busy, driving to offsite locations and when I get home...its a quick meal and into the office to work the rest of the night on side jobs(I do video editing on the side). its an inequality thing and the lack of respect by not even trying to help. btw- since our blow up last week...she still has not looked for anything.


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## lifeistooshort

I would imagine that after so long of being at home she's used to the lifestyle and isn't anxious to change it. Not trying to make excuses because she should be stepping up to do her part, but this is a risk with a long time stay at home spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It sounds like you're enabling. 
And you do deserve to know what she does at home all day.
It's not spying, as though you need a play by play or are going to tell her she's dusting the wrong way and using the wrong type of cleanser for the toilet. 
She's your wife, she should be able to account for what the other half of your joint energy and time in this marriage is being used for. Obviously it's not being put towards anything that benefits the both of you.
Some days I'm grateful for work I can do from home, because after I have done the housework, the laundry, the dishes, and some baking and prepwork for dinner, as well as paid bills and taken care of paperwork plus my homework for three classes I'm taking, as well as going to those classes, I would be bored stiff and twiddling my thumbs, that's after wasting time on the internet as well. My kids are 14 and 10, and they are usually here, gone on some weekends and one evening a week. 
I also take care of the neighbor's cats when she's away, and do things like the shopping, all of the medical appointments, car maintenance appointments, filing and taxes. I sleep at least 8 hours a week and am not stressed except for the fact that I still have time in my life for a relationship, but lack one. I do spend time with friends and emailing, and take ample vacations, go to movies, etc. 

It would be interesting to know what she does all day.
You have tv? Computer/internet? Does she have friends, a hobby, work out?


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## wilderness

Leolion said:


> I do all the shopping. our expenses are home, car, and TV...thats it. no cell phones no extra anything. my home is about the cheapest you can buy in my state and it forces me to work an hour from home. my income is just enough to support that, but when you have an unexpected expense(like sons medical bill), then your nest egg is gone and you live paycheck to paycheck and the sometimes late fees and stuff kill you. when you get too far behind its hard to get back even. that is all I was asking- help getting us even. yes, I have thought about the fact that separate lives would be worse for everyone. but at least I would not have to come home and "see" lack of effort. yes, taking care of the home and kids is a "job"....but many moms still find time to roll up the sleeves and find something PT. I would have thought our car being repossesed would personally affect her and she finally "get" it. ....but nope.


Dude, you need her to help you do a lot more than just getting even. Your income isn't close to enough to support your expenses right now. Not even close. You have nothing saved for emergencies- which will surely come, and as time goes on you can expect taxes and inflation to break you unless your income rises substantially. Your wife needs a full time job. 

You need a budget for medical expenses, maintenance on house and car, emergencies, savings, entertainment, retirement, clothing, etc…

If your wife leaves you now, being a SAHM, you'll be so screwed you could end up homeless. Get her working FT, dude.


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## EnjoliWoman

What does she say about it? Is she depressed? If it is a psychological thing, you can get counseling at United Family Services, a division of United Way. If it isn't depression and just a princess attitude, you'll have to get even more drastic.

This could be risky - as pointed out you would owe alimony if you actually divorced but maybe telling her you want a divorce if she doesn't help contribute to the family would jolt her into action. Get a job application from those places you mentioned and slap them down in front of her. The other option is a work from home gig if you can help her find one if she is willing. Even babysitting/home daycare if she would enjoy that more and there are neighborhood Moms who would use her.

Be sure you change the passwords to any banking sites, paypal, etc. and take all of her credit and debit cards away. She only needs her driver's license in her wallet. 

Until she works go basic. As Homemaker said - drastic cut backs. A saving account requiring two signatures or your name only. No new clothing unless underwear and socks are threadbare. Goodwill for the rest. $1 shampoo and soap, no make up, perfume, no brand name deodorants - nothing. The youngest is 8, then he probably knows about Santa so no Christmas this year. No birthdays except a cake (homemade). The older kids - can they get jobs? Mowing grass, pressure washing driveways, etc? They get to keep their money. You put it into the bank for them and take them shopping when they want/need something. Mom does not have access. Cut off the TV service. You don't have time for it. Start selling everything like you have been - sell her stuff. Start selling her jewelry, except her wedding band - sell engagement ring. She doesn't deserve one.

It seems if the repossession of the car didn't do it, that isn't her "rock bottom". She still has to hit a level of personal humiliation to desire income bad enough. Right now her needs are being met. They have to not be met. 

And come mother's day, the kids can pick flowers and draw cards on paper. No money should be spent. Remember, you are training your kids as to what to expect from a marriage. If have any girls, they don't need to act like that and you don't want any boys to think they have to do it all.

Unless your house is large, she can keep a house quite clean and laundry done in 3 hours a day unless she's OCD clean. 20 minutes to clean up breakfast, 15 to gather and start a load of laundry, and another couple hours to vacuum the house, and pick a room to thoroughly clean/dust/scrub/etc. Plus yard work - she should mow the grass once a week and tidy the yard.


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## Sandfly

Get rid of the internet and the TV - i.e. cut off the broadband and the cable in the name of 'savings'.

She'll soon be keen to get out and find a 10 hour a week job to cover the bill for these two items, and, she'll discover she has the 10 hours spare to work it too.


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## Hicks

Offer her choices.

You can work or we can get X mas presents for the kids.
We can have cable TV or you an stay home with the kids.
You can continue to stay home and sit around and we'll all do without groceries.

Give her information and allow her to choose. But working and worrying yourself to death should not be part of the equation.


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## happy as a clam

Cut off her source to ALL money. YOU control everything, checkbook, bills, etc. It may suck for awhile because you will have to do all the shopping (sounds like you already do) but eventually if she wants to buy ANYTHING she will have to go out and earn some bucks.

This is not a long term solution, however. You need to get to the root of her stubbornness and lack of working together as a team to solve your financial problems. Is she depressed? Low self-esteem? Agoraphobic?

I agree with others... cut off cable, internet, any of the extras that make staying at home attractive for her.


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## NextTimeAround

I do feel for you. Some thoughts I have.

1. She would better know what skillsets are sought after in the job market when she starts applying for jobs, going to interviews and talking with recruiters. There may also be some free job search services at the local community center or junior college. This would be the response to her likely question "what am I supposed to do?"



2. Because the risk of divorce has been mentioned, it might be good to show some documentation of your efforts to get her to look in view of her efforts to ignore them.

3. Have your kids been missing out? Clubs require dues; even public schools are charging separately for stuff. Perhaps her knowing that even bringing in $100 a week could make the difference in the children's life. That 17 year old will probably want to go to prom this year. That's a big cost, but that's going to bring valuable memories over his/ her lifetime. She should be cognizant of that.

Hope any of this advice on this thread will help you.


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## EnjoliWoman

Oh, and if you say you have to keep the TV for the kids, don't. When they wonder why there is no cable, say there isn't enough money for extras like that. They can easily put two and two together - one adult earns, one adult does not. Hmm. Maybe Mom should get a job, they'll think. Just shrug, and move on. The kids will then ask, Hey Mom, why don't you get a job?

If you need internet for your second job at home, password protect the computer. Don't share it with her. Now I'm usually all for transparency but that's because of trust issues. This is to point out that she didn't earn it, she won't enjoy it. Although regardless she does like having a roof.

She may stop cleaning or doing laundry or cooking to make a point, but if you wash a load and dry a load (which takes little time), leave folding/sorting to the kids and give them a small allowance for doing it.


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## jorgegene

Like the others have said, you've got to squeeze her to get her to feel it and get motivated enough.

Apparently, for whatever reason you haven't squeezed her enough.

don't be mean, until you've exhausted squeezing her passively.
After that, I guess you have no choice, but to get mean about it.
Or you'll lose your house.

It will lead to arguments and tension in the short run, but will make things better in the long run.


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## Leolion

my kids dont miss out on things; mainly because I tend to volunteer for coaching, etc and often get money off or free because of it. and yes, prom and thoughts of college are weighing extermely heavy on me. middle child needs braces and I even offered that as a reason to help because moeny could go directly to that. guess she is just selfish and too comfortable.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

She will have better self esteem once she's earning money, and interacting with people outside the home, professionally, even if it's as a cashier. You'll be doing her a favor. Also you'll be doing your kids a favor. You don't want the boys to grow up thinking they need to be the sole wage-earners, and you don't want girls to grow up thinking they don't need to be.


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## turnera

Go online, get a divorce packet, print it out, fill it out, and hand it to her. Tell her that you will be leaving her and taking the kids with you and she has one chance to stop it - get a real job. Otherwise, you're moving on.

And do it.


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## turnera

Have you talked to her parents about it?


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## LongWalk

Divorce will make them even poorer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm

But threat of divorce might make her get a job!


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## turnera

She's not contributing anyway. Take the kids and let her fend for herself.


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## soccermom2three

Another job idea is checking with the school district. Ours is always looking for people to be teacher's aides, yard duty or cafeteria help. That way she's only working during school hours and these jobs are sometimes only a few hours a day not the whole 6+ hours of school. This is the perfect kind of job if she's intimidated or afraid to get back into the work force. It will help to raise her self-esteem.


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## Lon

LongWalk said:


> Divorce will make them even poorer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


but less so if he files for custody. Then she would have no excuse to not have to support herself, plus since he is facing financial hardship from having to support the kids and is not receiving child support a judge may not even require him to pay alimony, or at the very least it would be the minimal amount. Maybe some consultations with a few different lawyers would be very useful to the OP.


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## Cosmos

17 years is a long time for her to have not been employed outside the home, and perhaps she has lost her confidence... However, if your youngest is 8 it's high time that she started trying to find a way to break back into the work force, and the longer she leaves it the worse it's going to be...

What work skills does your W have? She might have to start off small and could enquire if there are any PT admin vacancies at your child's school, or at the local supermarket. In time, she could then attend classes in order to hone her skills...

To start off with, though, I agree with others that you need to tighten your budget and make it less attractive for her to sit at home all day.


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## jld

Cosmos said:


> To start off with, though, I agree with others that you need to tighten your budget and make it less attractive for her to sit at home all day.


It is just not fun to be home without any money.


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## turnera

Cut the tv and cable and internet and hand her a library card.


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## Bobby5000

Let me try to explain her (even if I can't defend it) since we have similar family members. He made a six figure salary but was fired several times in a tough economy and has now been out of work 6 months. She has good computer skills and interestingly is much happier while working. She helps with grandchildren but an added source of income is desperately needed as he remains unemployed bills are not paid and finances desperate. She will look at jobs if someone finds them for her but seemingly cannot look on her own, beyond sending a few resumes out. 

While I am not against the squeezing theory, she has depression and expresses it, and faces severe challenges but somehow logically that does not prompt her to work. Again it is even harder because we have seen her while she is working (last time (about 7 years ago) and she was much happier. Much of her time is spent being depressed and watching Fox News and blaming all of the family's problems on Obama.


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## LongWalk

Obama is behind the largest victim triangle in he world right now.


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## TikiKeen

A few things I haven't seen mentioned here:

What her odds of getting work truly look like, depending on demographics, unemployment and resources in your area.

Re-training through your state's workforce commission, Goodwill or a temp agency.

Working PT at child care centers

In my experience, I found I'm unemployable after years of not working and not having a degree. I, too, became bitter after applying for 70+ positions in 18 months and getting one call-back to interview. That position broke Federal law and didn't hire me when they found out I had kids. But...my H had to have a tough talk with me until we got on the same financial page. Our goals were identical, but we couldn't meet any long-term goals until I'd met some short-term ones, like finding a schedule-fitting job that wouldn't cost more to have than my being at home. After that, he began looking at his own income vs happiness ratios and found them lacking, too. 

It IS hard. But not too hard. My own solution was to get my depression treated, be the one to cancel cable and non-thrift shopping, to find a way to return to school and to create my own income stream. I have to have internet to do that, so we found he cheapest decent provider. We pay out medical bills. We cook from scratch 90% of the time.

There is no reason for her to not take any action at all, other than depression and resentment. If she's like me and suffering the effects of aging, she might want to re-think what "suffering" actually is.


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## Mr The Other

Leolion said:


> The past few years have been tight, and I've been able to work side jobs to help keep us afloat. But, the past year I've been struggling to keep up and I kept mentioning to my wife that I need help. I actually went from hint, to ask, to flat out demand. This past December I had my car repossesed, and I did manage to get it back...but that pretty much put me at my breaking point. I'd been scrambling for so long to make the bills...I told her flat out "you find the money for xmas". she didn't. I kept us going AND managed xmas for the kids. 3 months later now I finally had a blow up over the situation and said to her that "Ive lost all respect for her, given that she wont lift a finger to help". I've only asked if she could find something short term, part time to help get us back on our feet. she has not even looked for anything. now our relationship sucks because "I dont respect her". It was tough to say that about someone you love, but if you wont help for teh sake of your family then what? I feel so stuck in that I do love her, dont want to break up the family...but our situation is not going to change unless we take drastic measures. I'm working round the clock, selling my stuff on ebay...I'm freaking exhausted. I'm thinking this relationship should end...what should I do?


People will generally suggest being strict. It may be that cutting her off will make her poorer and more sorry for herself, and increasing her focus on her will make her even less able to understand you.

If limiting the money supply works, then great. It might not though. The problem when your partner is stuck in a funk is that essentially playing chicken will not work as they will just let it happen and you do not want to hurt them.

The general advice on this forum will also be to get your own head sorted out first and this is good advice. You will not have much time for exercise, meditation etc, but prioritise it as highly as you can because I suspect trying to get through to her is not worth the effort (a heresey, but sometimes true).

PS: I have been married for a little under two years. We moved to a new country slightly later. In that time, I have had no end of excuses for why we cannot have sex, she cannot get a job, that the housework she does is a huge amount. However, she is also sweet natured and clearly rather down and genuinely in denial about how little she helps. The advice is clearly to leave and I am accepting that, but it is not easy and I sympathise.


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## BeachGuy

Well dude....our wives must be related because mine has been the exact same way for 12 years now. Nothing I have tried has worked. Nothing. Most advice here is cut her off! I'd be da*ned if I'd give her another penny! Yeah, that's all well and good but just makes for a more stressful relationship than it already is.

You have two choices just like I have. Live with it or divorce her sorry butt. And neither option is good or fun. It really sucks having a spouse that gives about 20% to the marriage, sends texts every other week saying "our account is low so don't spend any money", yet still wont' get any kind of job whatsoever. We live paycheck to paycheck and she just flat out will not go back to work. Add to that no sex whatsoever, no cooking, minimum house cleaning..... You can't make an adult get a job.

It comes down to selfishness. Plain and simple. In my case I filed for divorce over a year ago and it's taking forever. And truthfully, now that I'm seeing numbers for alimony and child support...I'm not sure I'll go through with it. Which means I stay here and do just what people say here. Cut her off. Control all of the money 100% of the time. Gee...what a great marriage that'd be too.

She played this whole dependency game just right. She's never going to change. And neither will your wife. No matter how hard you come down on her or what you do. People like them don't know how to be anything but completely dependent on someone else to survive.


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## Blondilocks

BeachGuy, if you are staying just to save money, treat her like a freeloading renter. Kick her out of your bedroom. Take away her toys and control all the money. Since you've filed for divorce, you don't want to be married to her, anyway. All you're really getting is a part-time babysitter.


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## Leolion

appreciate all of the advice people. really helping me sort things out in my head. unfortunately, so many of you are right- you cannot change people or make them do things. reasons you have for doing extra are NOT always the same motivation for them. I'm not asking her for help for my own selfish benefit...I'm asking for our kids. to not get foreclosed, etc. since I have no where to go lower on expenses, its my burden to make the hard choice. I wish I "really" knew the person I married. didn't know she was grabbing onto that dream of "finding a man to take care of everything". what burns me is that I HAVE provided that for nearly 17 years. It pains me that it will change my kids lives, but I've resolved to file for divorce. she wont change. If you don't respect someone, its hard to have positive feelings towards them. we will never have a happy relationship. going to cherish what we had and move on.


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## NobodySpecial

Leolion said:


> appreciate all of the advice people. really helping me sort things out in my head. unfortunately, so many of you are right- you cannot change people or make them do things. reasons you have for doing extra are NOT always the same motivation for them. I'm not asking her for help for my own selfish benefit...I'm asking for our kids. to not get foreclosed, etc. since I have no where to go lower on expenses, its my burden to make the hard choice. I wish I "really" knew the person I married. didn't know she was grabbing onto that dream of "finding a man to take care of everything". what burns me is that I HAVE provided that for nearly 17 years. It pains me that it will change my kids lives, but I've resolved to file for divorce. she wont change. If you don't respect someone, its hard to have positive feelings towards them. we will never have a happy relationship. going to cherish what we had and move on.


Hold on a second. From a respect and positive feelings standpoint, I am right there with you. And I have no issue with your deciding to leave her. BUT be clear in your mind what that means to you financially. She has not been working outside of the home. When you separate financially, who do you think is going to be on the hook for her income? I don't know a lot about what and how much the courts can require in spousal support. But I am betting my last dollar that they won't just let you off scot free and shoot her on over to welfare. See a lawyer and KNOW what you are doing.


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## turnera

Remind me, have you talked to her family about this? Told them that you're ready to divorce her if she doesn't change?


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## survivorwife

NobodySpecial said:


> Hold on a second. From a respect and positive feelings standpoint, I am right there with you. And I have no issue with your deciding to leave her. BUT be clear in your mind what that means to you financially. She has not been working outside of the home. When you separate financially, who do you think is going to be on the hook for her income? I don't know a lot about what and how much the courts can require in spousal support. But I am betting my last dollar that they won't just let you off scot free and shoot her on over to welfare. See a lawyer and KNOW what you are doing.


While it is true that the Courts won't let him off "scot free", the Courts tend to be equitable, which is to recognize her age, her ability to seek employment, the fact that (assuming here) he gets custody of the children and leaves her with the time and need to begin the process of supporting herself. The Court also recognizes "ability to pay" as in HIS income so the damage will not exceed his ability to pay, once he submits his income/expenses to the Court.

It may not be as scary as it sounds, and she will be forced to support herself. In the alternative, should he decide to divorce her, she may have to consider living with relatives and/or friends who will end up taking care of her while she adjusts. This will force her to put on her "big girl pants" and realize that the world, and/or her husband, don't owe her a living. It will be up to her what she does.


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## jb02157

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. As I mentioned before, I have been in the situation many times, where I have lost a job and things got really tight. My wife totally doesn't get at all how she should behave, being from a rich family and only criticizes me when I need her support the most. There are even times when I get a job again and get back on my feet that I wish I didn't because I don't want her to benefit from it. I think as a general rule, women are not that supportive and don't feel that they should have to help out and have the right to spend anything they want after they wear the white dress. I definitely understand about being exhausted. I work 12 hours days and come home to find that the kids aren't fed and the house is a mess. I don't think that's my responsibility. Even though you are going through hell right now, I think you should try to keep your marriage going, because it will only get worse for you if you divorce her. She will get everything and your will end up with nothing anyway. At least this way you can spend each day with your kids.


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## jb02157

survivorwife said:


> While it is true that the Courts won't let him off "scot free", the Courts tend to be equitable, which is to recognize her age, her ability to seek employment, the fact that (assuming here) he gets custody of the children and leaves her with the time and need to begin the process of supporting herself. The Court also recognizes "ability to pay" as in HIS income so the damage will not exceed his ability to pay, once he submits his income/expenses to the Court.
> 
> It may not be as scary as it sounds, and she will be forced to support herself. In the alternative, should he decide to divorce her, she may have to consider living with relatives and/or friends who will end up taking care of her while she adjusts. This will force her to put on her "big girl pants" and realize that the world, and/or her husband, don't owe her a living. It will be up to her what she does.


Ahhhh, that is not the way it works. All you have to do to get money is be female and you get almost everything. They do not care about age or ability to support herself. As far as his ability to pay, that's not taken into account either. If you're male, you pay whether you can or not.


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## survivorwife

jb02157 said:


> Ahhhh, that is not the way it works. All you have to do to get money is be female and you get almost everything. They do not care about age or ability to support herself. As far as his ability to pay, that's not taken into account either. If you're male, you pay whether you can or not.



Ahhhh, but I am employed within the Court system and know that even though it may look like that to some, The Court system has to follow the law and the guidelines. If the OP will consult with an attorney, he may get a better understanding of what might take place. There is absolutely no way under the law that a W in these circumstances would get lifetime alimony or be given more than the H can afford to pay.


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## turnera

Every case I've heard of in the last 10 years or so, the SAHW may get temporary support, but it's usually no more than 4 years with the expectation that the wife will use those 4 years to get through a college degree to become employable.


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## PBear

turnera said:


> Every case I've heard of in the last 10 years or so, the SAHW may get temporary support, but it's usually no more than 4 years with the expectation that the wife will use those 4 years to get through a college degree to become employable.


Here in Canada, my understanding is that it's 0.5 to 1 year for every year of marriage, and lifetime after 20 years of marriage. I got out at 18.5...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Really? Most states here don't even have alimony any more.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: What to do if wife wont help earn money*



turnera said:


> Really? Most states here don't even have alimony any more.


My friend works in the oil patch, Makes well into 6 figures and separated from his wife. He pays her twice as much in alimony as I earn with an above average salary (and that much again in child support). It is temporary though, and it will get nasty between them when his spousal payments are finished this June.


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## NobodySpecial

survivorwife said:


> While it is true that the Courts won't let him off "scot free", the Courts tend to be equitable,


Depending on where one lives, they really don't necessarily tend to be equitable. He should seek a lawyer and Find Out before he jumps in with both feet.


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## Phil Landers

Leolion said:


> The past few years have been tight, and I've been able to work side jobs to help keep us afloat. But, the past year I've been struggling to keep up and I kept mentioning to my wife that I need help. I actually went from hint, to ask, to flat out demand. This past December I had my car repossesed, and I did manage to get it back...but that pretty much put me at my breaking point. I'd been scrambling for so long to make the bills...I told her flat out "you find the money for xmas". she didn't. I kept us going AND managed xmas for the kids. 3 months later now I finally had a blow up over the situation and said to her that "Ive lost all respect for her, given that she wont lift a finger to help". I've only asked if she could find something short term, part time to help get us back on our feet. she has not even looked for anything. now our relationship sucks because "I dont respect her". It was tough to say that about someone you love, but if you wont help for teh sake of your family then what? I feel so stuck in that I do love her, dont want to break up the family...but our situation is not going to change unless we take drastic measures. I'm working round the clock, selling my stuff on ebay...I'm freaking exhausted. I'm thinking this relationship should end...what should I do?


You need to work smarter, not harder. Get a higher paying job.


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## wilderness

survivorwife said:


> While it is true that the Courts won't let him off "scot free", the Courts tend to be equitable, which is to recognize her age, her ability to seek employment, the fact that (assuming here) he gets custody of the children and leaves her with the time and need to begin the process of supporting herself. The Court also recognizes "ability to pay" as in HIS income so the damage will not exceed his ability to pay, once he submits his income/expenses to the Court.
> 
> It may not be as scary as it sounds, and she will be forced to support herself. In the alternative, should he decide to divorce her, she may have to consider living with relatives and/or friends who will end up taking care of her while she adjusts. This will force her to put on her "big girl pants" and realize that the world, and/or her husband, don't owe her a living. It will be up to her what she does.


Your post is totally false if he lives in the United States. The courts are the farthest thing from equitable.


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## happy as a clam

wilderness said:


> Your post is totally false if he lives in the United States. The courts are the farthest thing from equitable.


Couldn't agree more.

Let me tell you how it REALLY works. The court will see that she has been a SAHM for the past 17 years. He will be expected to pay spousal support for AT LEAST 5 years... in many states the formula is 1 year of spousal support for every 3 years of marriage.

He will be paying out his a$$ for many, many years.


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## Happyfamily

Leolion said:


> when you have an unexpected expense(like sons medical bill), then your nest egg is gone and you live paycheck to paycheck and the sometimes late fees and stuff kill you. when you get too far behind its hard to get back even.


Ain't that the truth. 

This really is a form of terror. A kind of desperate fear that goes on day after day... night after night. She's doing this to you and apparently doesn't care. Maybe extreme laziness, maybe some psychological issue, maybe she knows you'll kill yourself to keep her in Doritos.


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## Phil Landers

You could sell a kidney. The average kidney goes for 150,000.00 on the black market.


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## Phil Landers

The big money is in lungs though. You fetch about 312,000.00 in Europe for a lung. Are you a smoker?
Black Market Organs and Kidney Prices


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## Getbusylivin

*Re: Re: What to do if wife wont help earn money*



jb02157 said:


> Ahhhh, that is not the way it works. All you have to do to get money is be female and you get almost everything. They do not care about age or ability to support herself. As far as his ability to pay, that's not taken into account either. If you're male, you pay whether you can or not.


By hi 







BeachGuy said:


> Well dude....our wives must be related because mine has been the exact same way for 12 years now. Nothing I have tried has worked. Nothing. Most advice here is cut her off! I'd be da*ned if I'd give her another penny! Yeah, that's all well and good but just makes for a more stressful relationship than it already is.
> 
> You have two choices just like I have. Live with it or divorce her sorry butt. And neither option is good or fun. It really sucks having a spouse that gives about 20% to the marriage, sends texts every other week saying "our account is low so don't spend any money", yet still wont' get any kind of job whatsoever. We live paycheck to paycheck and she just flat out will not go back to work. Add to that no sex whatsoever, no cooking, minimum house cleaning..... You can't make an adult get a job.
> 
> It comes down to selfishness. Plain and simple. In my case I filed for divorce over a year ago and it's taking forever. And truthfully, now that I'm seeing numbers for alimony and child support...I'm not sure I'll go through with it. Which means I stay here and do just what people say here. Cut her off. Control all of the money 100% of the time. Gee...what a great marriage that'd be too.
> 
> She played this whole dependency game just right. She's never going to change. And neither will your wife. No matter how hard you come down on her or what you do. People like them don't know how to be anything but completely dependent on someone else to survive.


Beachguy said it all,, I too am living this nightmare, My wife won't work and punishes me with no sex because she is unhappy with our financial situation,,I have enabled her behavior for years and I am the only one working on the marriage and our finances. Her solution is for me to find a better paying job,, not for her to go back to work full time,, 

So for the first time our cell phones are suspended,, dish satellite TV suspended, Money I give her for gas and groceries will be cut in half,,, We are going to rough it in a wifi world for a while... We haven't shared a bed in 7 years so I don't think no sex can be used against me...


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## tennisstar

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but most women are not like this. Stop enabling the behavior. She gets a job or no spending money. She doesn't get clothes, makeup, gas money, cable, internet, cell phone, etc. Tell her you will divorce her and mean it. Go to counseling, if you can find a free service. 

Personally, I cannot understand anyone acting like this, man or woman. It upsets me that women like this can get alimony in a divorce. I don't think the laws are fair in the US. 

But for now, you cannot allow this behavior anymore. She doesn't do anything because she knows you will do it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Teach your sons to find women that work, and to be very careful with a sahm. This is the risk if you're married to someone that's not inclined to step up when you need help. This is what i'm teaching my two boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happyfamily

Getbusylivin said:


> Beachguy said it all,, I too am living this nightmare, My wife won't work and punishes me with no sex because she is unhappy with our financial situation,,I have enabled her behavior for years and I am the only one working on the marriage and our finances. Her solution is for me to find a better paying job,, not for her to go back to work full time,,
> 
> So for the first time our cell phones are suspended,, dish satellite TV suspended, Money I give her for gas and groceries will be cut in half,,, We are going to rough it in a wifi world for a while... We haven't shared a bed in 7 years so I don't think no sex can be used against me...


My God, these stories are awful, and so many of them the same! I don't know what to say, except it isn't me.


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## Mr The Other

The slightly depressing thing is that I do not think our wives would recognise themselves in this.


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## wanttofix

Phil Landers said:


> The big money is in lungs though. You fetch about 312,000.00 in Europe for a lung. Are you a smoker?
> Black Market Organs and Kidney Prices


whiskey tango foxtrot.... :scratchhead: After watching some of the documentaries on this, your life is nearly reduced in half or much less. I could use 300K right now, as could a lot of people, but the complications and possible earlier death isn't worth it.


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## TiredFamilyGuy

OP - bad situation. Your wife is in a bad place too - because she evidently feels she can't do anything to change (which is wrong, but emotions don't have to have logical foundations, they just "are"). 

I like this:_ "Get rid of the internet and the TV - i.e. cut off the broadband and the cable in the name of 'savings'._ " 

I also like this _"Offer her choices. You can work or we can get X mas presents for the kids.We can have cable TV or you an stay home with the kids.
You can continue to stay home and sit around and we'll all do without groceries."
_

It will have to come from her. You cannot drag a mule and I don't advise the whip. But the mule will get hungry for the things it wants.

I hate to say it, but she seems really stuck, and resents you resenting her. Communications has to open up and maybe you need third party help to open that channel: pastor or a counsellor.


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## Marcus588

survivorwife said:


> While it is true that the Courts won't let him off "scot free", the Courts tend to be equitable, which is to recognize her age, her ability to seek employment, the fact that (assuming here) he gets custody of the children and leaves her with the time and need to begin the process of supporting herself. The Court also recognizes "ability to pay" as in HIS income so the damage will not exceed his ability to pay, once he submits his income/expenses to the Court.
> 
> It may not be as scary as it sounds, and she will be forced to support herself. In the alternative, should he decide to divorce her, she may have to consider living with relatives and/or friends who will end up taking care of her while she adjusts. This will force her to put on her "big girl pants" and realize that the world, and/or her husband, don't owe her a living. It will be up to her what she does.


Sorry, but that's crap! My cousin was married for 5 years until his wife cheated on him. He even went to counseling but she would not work to help save the marriage, even cheated a second time DURING their counseling. All the while he was working 50+ hours a week to keep a roof over their head while she just had a part time job with one child. In the end they got divorced and he was forced to give her the house, child support, alimony AND a car! She eventually went full time but got in lots of debt from gambling and such and ended up having to sell the house and she and their kid lived in the car for 2 weeks until a friend allowed them to stay at her place. 

She even was arrested for pot but just got a slap on the wrist. He took it to court and tried to get full custody and to change the alimony agreement (he never complained about the child support) but was denied and now she and their son is living in S8 housing in a dangerous area and she gets food stamps. 

The system TOTALLY F**** fathers, no matter how good over.


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## lenzi

Marcus588 said:


> Sorry, but that's crap!


You'll do well here.


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## TryingTilda

First, face the truth: she is lazy and a user. This is a deep seated personality issue. A friend of mine went through this recently. His approach was to let everything to go to hell. They ended up in bankruptcy and losing a vehicle and running out of food. He stayed calm and then she went a got a job. Didn't change her personality though.


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## springer

*Wife refuses to take work beneath her station.*

My wife and I got married four and a half years ago, we're both over fifty and it is my first marriage, and her second, her first marriage ended over twenty-five years ago, when her first husband was murdered so it really doesn't count for much as she had partially separated from him at the time.
We have been together as a couple off and on for nearly fifteen years. She was always the main earner, a corporate specialist in marketing and sales. Four years ago she was forced out of her last job by an incompetent boss, certainly beyond her control-- she has a great reputation in her field with lot's of contacts. But alas her age (pension liability), her field: plastics manufacturing has moved offshore, her salary: over 175,000+ have all contributed to her having trouble finding anything close to her old income level. The great recession and the hollowing out of the middle-class have made it difficult as well. She had worked for a European Co. at one time and we traveled to Europe often, ate out a lot, rented expensive apartments, leased cars, etc. I guess she thought it would never end. She hadn't saved much beyond her 401k, and she's tapped into that as well. This mismanagement runs in her family, her mother is terrible with money.

I am self-employed as a building contractor and my income has always fluctuated with economic conditions, I just turned 60 and work a physically demanding job. 

She refuses to take a job, and we're hanging on by our fingernails-- one emergency and we'll be homeless. Her default answer whenever I so much as mention that she might have to set her sights a bit lower, and take a job as say a bus driver, for three or four hours a day for 22. per hour with benefits results in hours of nagging passive aggressive criticism of everything I ever did or said.

If we were both earning we might get ahead, perhaps start saving.


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## Pooh Bear

*Re: Wife refuses to take work beneath her station.*



springer said:


> My wife and I got married four and a half years ago, we're both over fifty and it is my first marriage, and her second, her first marriage ended over twenty-five years ago, when her first husband was murdered so it really doesn't count for much as she had partially separated from him at the time.
> We have been together as a couple off and on for nearly fifteen years. She was always the main earner, a corporate specialist in marketing and sales. Four years ago she was forced out of her last job by an incompetent boss, certainly beyond her control-- she has a great reputation in her field with lot's of contacts. But alas her age (pension liability), her field: plastics manufacturing has moved offshore, her salary: over 175,000+ have all contributed to her having trouble finding anything close to her old income level. The great recession and the hollowing out of the middle-class have made it difficult as well. She had worked for a European Co. at one time and we traveled to Europe often, ate out a lot, rented expensive apartments, leased cars, etc. I guess she thought it would never end. She hadn't saved much beyond her 401k, and she's tapped into that as well. This mismanagement runs in her family, her mother is terrible with money.
> 
> I am self-employed as a building contractor and my income has always fluctuated with economic conditions, I just turned 60 and work a physically demanding job.
> 
> She refuses to take a job, and we're hanging on by our fingernails-- one emergency and we'll be homeless. Her default answer whenever I so much as mention that she might have to set her sights a bit lower, and take a job as say a bus driver, for three or four hours a day for 22. per hour with benefits results in hours of nagging passive aggressive criticism of everything I ever did or said.
> 
> If we were both earning we might get ahead, perhaps start saving.


Wow. She's being completely unreasonable. You can't make someone go get a job so what can you cut back on. Anything?


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## Bobby5000

Initially I was sympathetic to you until you mentioned her being a bus driver. For a prestigious corporate position, driving a bus is a big change. Obviously there is a need for maids and cleaning people but mentioning that will probably not help. From her position, you were happy when she was making the big money.

As others note, simply continue to pose choices for her and listen to what she has to say. Perhaps if a bus position is unsatisfactory, an executive assistant or other position would be possible.


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## Leolion

I love when people say just get a higher paying job. I have a decent salary....IMO, about as high as I could get in this area. I make almost double what others in my company earn as it is. btw-I already changed jobs to get more money. I took on more side jobs. yet still, years after my original post...she has not earned a single penny. not one. we no longer sleep in the same bed, and have not had sex since nov 29 2016...that is one year and six months. I feel like such an idiot for thinking she will change.


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## Steve2.0

You need to treat her as an additional child right now... One that is out of control and no longer taking your advice.

You need to take over the management of everything financial (sounds like you are doing this already) but you need to ensure that 
1) She has no credit cards or debit cards in her name. Close any joint accounts you have with her and make it your stuff only. Change all your visa numbers if you have to and online passwords. Basically, she cannot access money that she isnt working for, or that you are not giving her.
2) Cancel all services that are costing you a monthly fee that she is using while you bust your ass. Cancel your TV, her mobile phone and your damn internet if you need to. 
3) Anyone needs money, they come to you and you decide if its worth paying your bills, or letting them have XXX

She is taking advantage but you are also enabling her to.


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## Adelais

Have you tried Dave Ramsey to begin to budget? We did that, and strangely after we got use to it, we had more than enough money when we needed it. My husband had taken a 1/4 paycut and we were concerned we wouldn't be able to make it. Using Dave Ramsey and creating a serious budget we not only made it, but we were able to pay down a $30K debt in 2 1/2 years. (No I am not a sales person for Dave, I just am amazed what we were able to do when we stopped spending without limits.)

Are you shopping at 2nd hand stores for everything first, and if you don't find it there, then you buy it on sale, or wait until Black Friday? Also use Craig's list? We save thousands every year because of using that strategy. I'm not just making something up to throw at you. Our children have commented how well we live compared to their friends' whose parents make the same $. They know it is because we don't waste $, and have a budget which creates limits on some things, but forces us to save for other things so when they come up, we have already been building up the $ in the envelope.


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## jlg07

I thought you had said you were divorcing? I'm guessing that you either found out you couldn't afford it or???

I would just restrict all of her access to money and YOU handle everything. Has your financial issues gotten ANY better?


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## happyhusband0005

WOW now that is quite the thread resurrection.


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## BluesPower

Leolion said:


> I love when people say just get a higher paying job. I have a decent salary....IMO, about as high as I could get in this area. I make almost double what others in my company earn as it is. btw-I already changed jobs to get more money. I took on more side jobs. yet still, years after my original post...she has not earned a single penny. not one. we no longer sleep in the same bed, and have not had sex since nov 29 2016...that is one year and six months. I feel like such an idiot for thinking she will change.


No need to feel that way. You are an idiot for staying with her. 

When are you going to file for divorce from your lazy wife...


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## personofinterest

happy as a clam said:


> Cut off her source to ALL money. YOU control everything, checkbook, bills, etc. It may suck for awhile because you will have to do all the shopping (sounds like you already do) but eventually if she wants to buy ANYTHING she will have to go out and earn some bucks.
> 
> This is not a long term solution, however. You need to get to the root of her stubbornness and lack of working together as a team to solve your financial problems. Is she depressed? Low self-esteem? Agoraphobic?
> 
> I agree with others... cut off cable, internet, any of the extras that make staying at home attractive for her.


I am usually a softie, but I agree 100%

I get it - some people really believe im the SAHM mandate. I even did it for a couple of years. I went back to work because I needed to go back to work. Period. Once kids are in school, there is zero reason for a woman to stay home. Zero.

And she doesn't need a skill set. All she needs to be able to do it punch buttons on a register and say "Have a nice day." Retail and restaurants are almost always hiring. And the times she is free are tough times to fill because the students they hire are in class.

O wait, I see now that she was a big earner, which you loved, and then she stopped when she had kids. Yeah, she needs to go back to work. But you need to up your game somehow too.


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## turnera

Why are you still married?


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## Mommame2

personofinterest said:


> I am usually a softie, but I agree 100%
> 
> I get it - some people really believe im the SAHM mandate. I even did it for a couple of years. I went back to work because I needed to go back to work. Period. Once kids are in school, there is zero reason for a woman to stay home. Zero.
> 
> And she doesn't need a skill set. All she needs to be able to do it punch buttons on a register and say "Have a nice day." Retail and restaurants are almost always hiring. And the times she is free are tough times to fill because the students they hire are in class.
> 
> O wait, I see now that she was a big earner, which you loved, and then she stopped when she had kids. Yeah, she needs to go back to work. But you need to up your game somehow too.




Where did he say what she was earning? I missed it. Thanks.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## vincent3

If he's making a reasonable amount of money, I don't think we can say the situation is partially his fault because he doesn't earn more. If it were that easy to up our game and earn more, most of us would do so.


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