# I don't like her kids. I just don't.



## Scannerguard

I have been dating a wonderful woman for 3 years now. We click on a lot of dimensions although financial is a challenge (she is not a saver, but seems willing to defer to me sometimes).

A chronic problem is I just don't feel any affinity, ANY, towards her kids (and the feeling is probably mutual). I have tried to consider their alcoholic father into the equation and cut them some slack but when I get down to it, I don't particularly enjoy their personalities.

It's one of those house that's full of drama, screaming, crying, pouting, etc. Which I realize may be par for the course in a lot of houses. But they just seem to put it on no matter who's there.

Even my middle son was over the other day I was trying to calm everyone down to just have a conversation and I said, "We value civil discourse in our family."

I don't know. . .I thought it could just be taht I generally just don't like kids, except about 2 years back, when I went out on a date, I took this woman and her two kids and I actually complimented her at the end of the date what pleasures her kids were.

(she had herpes. . .guys, it's a minefield out here).

*Sigh*

I guess that's that, right? There's no way this can work, right?


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## Giro flee

I'm not a step parent but I'll say that somebody who didn't like my kids would cause enormous problems. I don't know how you could successfully cover that up, resentment builds, relationship suffers. Children are forever. It would always be a problem.


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## CantePe

It cannot be she had herpes. Both HSV1 and 2 are a life long viral infection.

Unless that was a quip of some sort?

Its a package deal, you need to cut her loose if you can't love her kids too. All of you will be very miserable.

Package deal or no deal, those are your two choices.


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## Scannerguard

The woman I went on 2 dates with - she had herpes. (had as in I didn't date her anymore)

Yeah, I guess I thought it was just that I am not a little kids kind of guy but the more I delve into it and am honest with myself, I think I just don't like *her *kids.

I've tried but even my father has said something about the little one she has.


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## CantePe

What exactly is the little ones behavior that irks you? What is it specifically that you don't like about her kids.

I can appreciate a man (or woman) with the kind of honesty you have displayed here. Its okay to not like someone regardless of age, gender or status. Personalities don't always mesh, hey it happens. Do yourself and her and her kids a favor and let go. If you can honestly say this isn't going to work the most honorable and manly thing to do is let go and move on.

Sometimes it just doesn't work.


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## Scannerguard

Okay, well, here goes (and thanks for asking). Actually, she has a 19 year old daughter I like mostly. She's quiet and kind of ruminating kind of personality. A little trouble with drugs at one point but is studying to be a hairdressor and has her life straight I think but again, who knows for sure. But yeah, I like her okay. I hope things work out for her.

She then has a 13 year old daughter. Actually, she's "okay" - normal teenage girl rolling her eyes stuff, pouting, giving her mother lip. I could put up with that. I could buy this is transient, hopefully. I mean that's menstruation stuff with the territory although I have 3 boys, so no direct experience with that.

But doesnt' take school too seriously. Kind of doesn't care. that's hard from a family of academians like us. Thinks she can be a model someday. 

It continues to go downhill when you get to the 5 year old boy. Just ignores you all the time when you give instructions, cannot focus on a thing you say, or listen. Let alone even obey. Cries and pouts and makes threatening gestures towards my kid, who's 6, who just kind of looks at him likes he's crazy. Not the brightest bulb in the box either. 

I hate to say it but he reminds me of the "lower section kids" when I was in school and would get bullied. None too bright. And you have to watch out for them.

I don't know. . .I thought it was just a "guy thing". . .you know what they say - "Women think all babies are cute. Guys only think *their *kids are cute."

But the more I think about it, no, that's not entirely true. Like if something happened to my best friend (who I don't see that much - maybe 1-2x/year), and I magically married his wife (I am not lusting after her, so don't go there  ). . .yeah, I think I could have an affection for them. I mean who knows. . .maybe they're hellions at home, but I have seen them around my kids and they seem to have a. . .politeness and decorum about them that her kids just don't seem to have.

I don't know. . .I admit I am having a hard time articulating. . .


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## CantePe

Believe me, as a woman and a mother, not all babies or kids are cute.

Granted, I'm not in the blended family situation but I have 3 boys, 2 girls. I'm also a child of a divorced set of parents.

Divorce and break ups are hard on kids. Blended families just as hard or harder.

19 year old, she's an adult now. Easier to get along with because she is an adult now.

13 year old (I have one of those, a boy). Typical teenager, I promise they grow out of it more than not. She is retaliating due to parental split. My parents split when I was an adult in college and even as an adult I retaliated too. My grades suffered for a semester or two even though I agreed that my mother should have left an addict husband long before she did.

5 year old, typical 5 year old boy. Sounds like, as the baby, he has been allowed to get away with a bit more than he should than shouldn't.

As for the attraction to friends wife, wouldn't have gone there lol. You just gave an example doesn't mean you meant it as a reality.

My kids are 13, 12, 11, 8 and 7. 13 and 12 year olds will be 14 and 13 by end of January (12.5 months apart) one boy and one girl and I can tell you a. Teenagers are a pain in the butt regardless of gender and b. Some teenagers are not typical teenagers and are very much like adults in maturity. Aka not such a pain in the butt. Sounds like you lucked out with your kids, sounds like they are raised well.

Again, great honesty here. Very nice to see. The choice still comes down to can you work it out or is it a deal breaker for you. Only you can say if it is or not.


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## CantePe

Oh and it isn't your duty or responsibility to discipline her kids at all. It is hers. Perhaps having a chat with her about child rearing boundaries might help?

Detach from the fatherly role, they already have a father. Your kids already have their father too.


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## Scannerguard

They pretty much dont have a father.

He's an alcoholic they see for 1 overnight a week. Doens't come to games. Doesn't have a job. Just sits and plays video games inside a trailer with blankets in the window and milks the system somehow.


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## lifeistooshort

I know a guy that dated a woman with 3 boys that he didn't like for 10 years. Or maybe it wasn't that he didn't like them, but they were very destructive, and he was older with some money living in the country club. He didn't want "those kids" tearing up his house, which I kind of got. She'd stay with him when her kids went with their dad, she apparently understood they were destructive.....when they finally moved out she sold her house, moved in with him and they got married. They've been together for 15 years now and seem happy. In a strange way it was kind of good for the boys because, they didn't have the stepfather issue and they got to stay in their house, and apparently now that they're grown everyone gets along fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantePe

Still isn't your responsibility to father them regardless of the status of their father.

Mine was an alcoholic, drug addict and gambling addict.

When my mother got together with a guy she could finally trust for awhile he never once (mind you both my sister and I were well into our own marriages and families, husbands - adults) took a fatherly role with either my sister or myself.

He understood that we already had a father despite his very short comings. Never asked us to call him dad, never asked our kids (11 of them between my sister and I by the way) to call him grandfather. It was Mike and it was always Mike.

I'm not saying not to go to games, I'm not saying not to be there as scannerguard. She is their disciplinarian because she is her mother.

That's the hardest part of blended families. Who disciplines the kids that aren't theirs, who doesn't. Mind you say if the 5 year old attacks your 6 year obviously you are going to step in and prevent that physical or verbal attack.

Teaching your 6 year old to use words like I'm walking away now and come to you first is a good tool in a blended family.

Setting boundaries of what you both expect as respective parents to your respective children is definitely something that needs to be done.

Sit down and discuss scenarios too. If 5 year old and 6 year old get into a physical fight what do both of you expect of each other as a reaction and solution to the scenario? If you know what the other expects of your respective rolls with each set of children it is easier to anticipate a better outcome. Do I make sense?


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## 2ntnuf

I never put a lot of stock in the saying, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Well, as I've gotten older, I realize it's reasonably accurate. While we are all individuals, we are a product of those who raised us. We are a product of our environment. It's more than likely you would have grown to dislike their mother as well. Take comfort in the fact that you got out before things got worse. 

I don't believe you don't like kids, just as so many might say. I believe you have just become more aware of your surroundings and how broken folks are. We, including me, are all broken some way. Some more than others. We find who we can tolerate the most and go from there, building on what we have. Good luck. You will find what you desire or your desires will change. Either way, things will work out.


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## CantePe

I disagree with the apple falls far from the tree as a general rule. I don't drink, I didn't even drink at my own wedding. I hate the lotto and casinos. I'd rather shoot myself in the foot then gamble and I don't do drugs.

I don't even like prescription drugs and refuse them from the doctor.

I work in a bar too (one of my three jobs...funny mom had three jobs too, maybe there is some truth to your statement to a degree). I don't drink, hate it, hate watching the stupid it causes in people.

I think it is a choice for most and somewhat truth for others. Everything we do, don't so, say and don't say is a choice.


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## Scannerguard

> Do I make sense?


Yes, you do. Believe me, I'm not trying to be their father. I have my hands full enough but if we take the next step, by default, I have to be the one to "step-parent". . .as much as I would like to, I can't just retreat down the basement like Grandpa from the Munsters.

I like lifeistooshort's solution. . .maybe there's some kind of compromise THAT way.

She knows deep down there's problems with the 5 year old and who knows. . .I'm not God and I have no idea how he'll turn out.

I am content to lead parallel lives for 13+ years. Not so sure she is.


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## 2ntnuf

Yeah, and many things within your personality come from genetics. Not all, but the way we learn. The way we interpret things. The way we reason are all a part of the way our brain works. So, we have to think in a similar manner as those who are biologically our parents. 

Not sure how what you do is a part of that. We each like doing things which we find pleasing. I don't do the things my parents did. I don't do the things my siblings do. I think I do things more like those I spent the most time with. Although, they too spent a lot of money on the lottery and I don't. I don't play it and haven't in many many years. 

Anyway, I think we are talking apples and oranges. Sorry for the pun. Not really. I kind of smiled as I typed it.


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## CantePe

Again, this is something only you can say for yourself. Only you can chose what you can tolerate and can't, only you can say it is a deal breaker.

Perhaps the little guy of hers would benefit from therapy and an assessment to see if there are under lying issues such as ADHD, autism, sensory integration dysfunction. If she senses something is a miss, she really needs to get on top of that asap so that her little one has the leg up he may need.

Maybe it is even just anger issues stemming from feelings of abandonment from his father? A lot of kids blame themselves unjustly for their parents not getting along and/or splitting.

Kids his age don't have the verbal description or emotional maturity to express that either and sometimes actually mostly comes out in behavioral issues.

Again, only you can say deal maker or deal breaker. Thank you for being so honest.


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## Scannerguard

I forget - the father has ADHD or bipolar or both. So yes, there's that genetic component you are talking about.

The problem with that is resources. Time, money, experts.

The father is against drugs for it. So no cooperation on his part - probably doesnt see a problem - he's just being a boy.

Anyway, she just told me to buzz off. . .so maybe this is for the best. Abuzzing I will go. . .I'm sad though, for sure. I'd be lying if I wasn't.


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## CantePe

I'm sorry that didn't work out for you. You are right, it very well is probably for the best.

It is better to move on than be miserable together. I wish you great success in the next relationship you have and I don't think you need luck at all.


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## 2ntnuf

You have no responsibility to his children or her other than as a responsible human being. I think you have done all you can. If it is that serious, turn them all in to the proper authorities and it will all be handled properly. 

I think you missed a bullet here.


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## larry.gray

I'm on the same page as CantePe. The issue is mom and her non-discipline, particularly of the 5 y/o. He should be taught that he should respect you as an adult.

I watched a friend stick with a woman with a son like this for 8 years. They started dating when the boy was 5. Mom wouldn't do squat when the kid caused trouble. They finally broke up when the kid got physical with my friend and mom STILL didn't do anything but get mad at my friend for "being physical" with the boy.


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## Fenix

Scannerguard said:


> I forget - the father has ADHD or bipolar or both. So yes, there's that genetic component you are talking about.
> 
> The problem with that is resources. Time, money, experts.
> 
> The father is against drugs for it. So no cooperation on his part - probably doesnt see a problem - he's just being a boy.
> 
> Anyway, she just told me to buzz off. . .so maybe this is for the best. Abuzzing I will go. . .I'm sad though, for sure. I'd be lying if I wasn't.


 ADHD and/or other mental illnesses was my first thought when you described the 5 year old's behavior. 



CantePe said:


> I'm sorry that didn't work out for you. You are right, it very well is probably for the best.
> 
> It is better to move on than be miserable together. I wish you great success in the next relationship you have and I don't think you need luck at all.


Agree.



2ntnuf said:


> You have no responsibility to his children or her other than as a responsible human being. I think you have done all you can. If it is that serious, turn them all in to the proper authorities and it will all be handled properly.
> 
> I think you missed a bullet here.


I agree that you dodged a bullet here. I also think that not all children are likable. However, I do think that if you had stayed with the woman and her family, you did have a responsibility to step into a quasi father (stepfather) role. Not so much with discipline, but with role modeling/support/boundaries etc., especially if the birth father was useless. I look at it as part of the package and one that cannot be taken lightly nor dismissed.


Sorry about your hurting.  One of the leading causes of failures in second marriages is the issue with blended families so yes, it was for the best. Still hurts though.


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## 2ntnuf

> I agree that you dodged a bullet here. I also think that not all children are likable. However, I do think that if you had stayed with the woman and her family, you did have a responsibility to step into a quasi father (stepfather) role. Not so much with discipline, but with role modeling/support/boundaries etc., especially if the birth father was useless. I look at it as part of the package and one that cannot be taken lightly nor dismissed.


Thanks for that Fenix. I wondered if that was the reason. 

Maybe someone can explain at what point the level of responsibility changes to the children being included? I always figured it was when two live together, but I suppose it could be after first sex? Even then, I think the responsibility lies with the bio parents, not the step(so-called). However, when married, things change and the step is responsible. Before marriage, I think there is much less responsibility due the non bio member. 

I thought he was dating her. That's a huge responsibility for someone who is dating.


ETA: I don't mean that the children should be ignored or treated badly. I just think there is a limit to the responsibility of a dater.


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## Fenix

2ntnuf said:


> Thanks for that Fenix. I wondered if that was the reason.
> 
> Maybe someone can explain at what point the level of responsibility changes to the children being included? I always figured it was when two live together, but I suppose it could be after first sex? Even then, I think the responsibility lies with the bio parents, not the step(so-called). However, when married, things change and the step is responsible. Before marriage, I think there is much less responsibility due the non bio member.
> 
> I thought he was dating her. That's a huge responsibility for someone who is dating.
> 
> 
> ETA: I don't mean that the children should be ignored or treated badly. I just think there is a limit to the responsibility of a dater.


Yes, i agree. Responsibility comes into play when the decision is made to have a LTR with someone ie intent to move in together, marry etc. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who doesn't like my children. Otoh, I don't want to be involved with someone whose children I don't like. The OP asked a good question and it's one that should be addressed.


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## grays

OP, I don't think you should feel bad for not liking the kids. It's really unfortunate, but it is what it is. Some kids are really difficult to be around. I have a friend who just married a guy that doesn't like her son and it's causing a lot of conflict. I feel guilty listening to her talk about it because all I can think is that her child is sooooo irritating and unpleasant. Gah! I'm kinda worried about them because they just had twins and I just can't see the six of them (she also has a daughter) making it. 



lifeistooshort said:


> I know a guy that dated a woman with 3 boys that he didn't like for 10 years. Or maybe it wasn't that he didn't like them, but they were very destructive, and he was older with some money living in the country club. He didn't want "those kids" tearing up his house, which I kind of got. She'd stay with him when her kids went with their dad, she apparently understood they were destructive.....when they finally moved out she sold her house, moved in with him and they got married. They've been together for 15 years now and seem happy. In a strange way it was kind of good for the boys because, they didn't have the stepfather issue and they got to stay in their house, and apparently now that they're grown everyone gets along fine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! This is my fantasy. I've only been out of my marriage for around four months now, so maybe I will decide someday that I need a full time partner before my kids are grown (I have a five year old). But right now, I feel like being able to focus on my kids while they're awake and getting some alone time on my nights with them sounds perfect, especially if I'm madly in love with some awesome guy who I get to spend three nights a week with. I feel like I would have it all!


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## Scannerguard

Grays, 

My fantasy too - the problem is reality interrupts fantasy sometimes.

2 households is always a problem financially and I don't care what you say, that temptation is always there to combine lives for that reason.

I used to joke about living in a camper in the backyard so I could escape, only it was no joke.


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## Hardtohandle

My only advice is don't string this woman along if its not gonna happen.. 3 years is a long time..

I'm with my GF for a year now.. We already had these discussions..

Its a hard discussion, but your adult and so is she. Talk about it when you DON'T need to bring it up.. EG not right after an incident occurs with her kids..


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## Lon

Scannerguard said:


> Okay, well, here goes (and thanks for asking). Actually, she has a 19 year old daughter I like mostly. She's quiet and kind of ruminating kind of personality. A little trouble with drugs at one point but is studying to be a hairdressor and has her life straight I think but again, who knows for sure. But yeah, I like her okay. I hope things work out for her.
> 
> She then has a 13 year old daughter. Actually, she's "okay" - normal teenage girl rolling her eyes stuff, pouting, giving her mother lip. I could put up with that. I could buy this is transient, hopefully. I mean that's menstruation stuff with the territory although I have 3 boys, so no direct experience with that.
> 
> But doesnt' take school too seriously. Kind of doesn't care. that's hard from a family of academians like us. Thinks she can be a model someday.
> 
> It continues to go downhill when you get to the 5 year old boy. Just ignores you all the time when you give instructions, cannot focus on a thing you say, or listen. Let alone even obey. Cries and pouts and makes threatening gestures towards my kid, who's 6, who just kind of looks at him likes he's crazy. Not the brightest bulb in the box either.
> 
> I hate to say it but he reminds me of the "lower section kids" when I was in school and would get bullied. None too bright. And you have to watch out for them.
> 
> I don't know. . .I thought it was just a "guy thing". . .you know what they say - "Women think all babies are cute. Guys only think *their *kids are cute."
> 
> But the more I think about it, no, that's not entirely true. Like if something happened to my best friend (who I don't see that much - maybe 1-2x/year), and I magically married his wife (I am not lusting after her, so don't go there  ). . .yeah, I think I could have an affection for them. I mean who knows. . .maybe they're hellions at home, but I have seen them around my kids and they seem to have a. . .politeness and decorum about them that her kids just don't seem to have.
> 
> I don't know. . .I admit I am having a hard time articulating. . .


My son is what you would describe as a "lower section kid". If I was seeing a woman who used that kind of term to describe him she would be gone in an instant because I don't have room in my life for people who can't appreciate others for who they are (especially when it is my child), and have obviously given up at even trying to relate. Why have you wasted 3 years of their time?


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## Scannerguard

Q: Why have did I waste 3 years of her time?

A1: It was 3 years of my time too.
A2: I was trying to like them, trying to relate I really did. I just don't. (as per my thread title).

Ironically, the older kid is a different baby daddy, who has done some work for me. I genuinely like him - laid back kind of guy. . .her older daughter 19 is similar in disposition. So I like her okay.

The other baby daddy is a wife-beating, reclusive alcoholic. 

Genes or nature? Not sure, but I just don't like them for who they are. I hope they turn okay for society's sake of course, but I have a hard time thinking of them being kids I have to help shepherd through life, when the 7th grader doesn't even comprehend negative numbers.

I just don't have the patience.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I don't like her kids. I just don't.*



Scannerguard said:


> Q: Why have did I waste 3 years of her time?
> 
> A1: It was 3 years of my time too.
> A2: I was trying to like them, trying to relate I really did. I just don't. (as per my thread title).
> 
> Ironically, the older kid is a different baby daddy, who has done some work for me. I genuinely like him - laid back kind of guy. . .her older daughter 19 is similar in disposition. So I like her okay.
> 
> The other baby daddy is a wife-beating, reclusive alcoholic.
> 
> Genes or nature? Not sure, but I just don't like them for who they are. I hope they turn okay for society's sake of course, but I have a hard time thinking of them being kids I have to help shepherd through life, when the 7th grader doesn't even comprehend negative numbers.
> 
> I just don't have the patience.


Certainly honest enough, but realize that the core of this particular problem (you not being able to like them, relate to them or have patience for them). Actually lies within you, not them.

So I will rephrase that last question in my previous comment, since you feel like it was your time that was wasted too, why did it take you so long to come to the decision it wouldn't work for you? And along that line, has it not been working for the duration of the relationship until recently? If not, when did you recognize this?


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## Scannerguard

> Certainly honest enough, but realize that the core of this particular problem (you not being able to like them, relate to them or have patience for them). Actually lies within you, not them.


I would agree with that.



> So I will rephrase that last question in my previous comment, since you feel like it was your time that was wasted too, why did it take you so long to come to the decision it wouldn't work for you? And along that line, has it not been working for the duration of the relationship until recently? If not, when did you recognize this?


Well, to be fair, I know it's different for guys. I am not in a hurry as perhaps women are to remarry for obvious reasons. So I am not stomping my feet saying, "Gee. My time feels wasted." (maybe my energy)

as far as why so long, hmmmmm. Maybe 2 parts:

A. Denial. I just kept self-talking to myself, "Gee, you just need more patience. You need to be less judgmental. It's hard being a kid of divorce." You know. . .stuff a psychobabblist would say instead of coming to terms with it.

B. Maybe not seeing the kids every day? Out of sight. Out of mind? 

I'll tell you one thing. . .I like them a heck of lot more now that I don't have to grapple with the idea I have to live with them and help raise them. I was even Christmas shopping for them the other day.

Also, like I said at the start, I'm sure the feeling is mutual.


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