# New here, have a few questions.



## R4ce (Mar 29, 2015)

I found this site looking for ways to deal with my sexless marriage. Like many my wife is extremely ld more like nonexistent. I am HD, always have been. We have been married 17 years and together 22. We always had a great sex life, 5-6 times a week average. But for the last 6 years it's been maybe 3 -4 times a YEAR. My big question is, how is it that the lD spouse isn't technically failing the marriage? to them things are peachy and sex isn't that important. That's bull****, sex and the intimacy that goes with it are a very important part of any marriage.

It seems the thing on this forum is, don't be to rough on the LD spouse. Why not? IMO they are as bad as a spouse that willingly goes out and has an affair. They are knowingly and willingly making decisions that will hurt the marriage. It should be grounds for divorce right there. In a lot of these cases, you wouldn't have trouble proving willful emotional abuse. Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything. I once again did all the housework, prepared an excellent meal. Made arrangements for the kids to be gone. Ran her a candle light bubble bath, surprised her with new satin sheets on the bed. I get yelled at for thinking I'm going to get some, her words not mine.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear R4ce

Your are correct, they are having an affair with themselves, without any thought for the needs and wants of the spouse with a HD. I am afraid that it is in her words "Going to get some". I think if you look behind the posts each contributor is trying to save a marriage. She should be congratulating you on doing the housework, cooking the meal, preparing the bed with satin sheets, etc. Is your wife gong through the menopause?. I am afraid that my wife associates the menopause and its onset to the cessation of sex with a husband. However strange it may seem keep your cool, in some cases LD spouses are trying to provoke a reaction, that is a control reaction. Hope you have a successful conclusion to this episode.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My response to all such sex-denial scenarios is to file for divorce and leave, unless you know that part of the problem is your own behavior which you need to fix. IMO, you have to be prepared to leave or destroy the marriage to have a chance to fix it, as it usually takes extreme measures to get the attention of a spouse who has given up sex.

Sometimes there are hormonal or medical issues, but without those it can be a fruitless and frustrating pursuit to find a reason that is amenable to improvement. Do NOT let the situation drag on - take action to change it, and if there is no change, leave.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

R4- it's a sh-tty situation and you have every right to be mad.

Being mad in itself won't fix the problem though.

Have you looked at yourself critically to try to figure out why she might not be attracted to you? What changed around the time the sex stopped? I am not talking about doing chores, romance, etc. Are you out of shape? Do you generally have a bad attitude? Are you fun to be with? Maybe you are awesome all around, or maybe you're not. Be honest and look at yourself first.

If you honestly can say you're a great guy that lots of women could love, then you know it is just her problem. You need to let her know you are deeply unhappy and won't tolerate this situation forever. She needs to step up and meet your needs or you will be gone. Figure out how to say this in a way that will not seem like a rage reaction that she can dismiss. Make it clear that this is just a fact and it is up to her to choose.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

R4ce said:


> IMO they are as bad as a spouse that willingly goes out and has an affair. They are knowingly and willingly making decisions that will hurt the marriage. It should be grounds for divorce right there. In a lot of these cases, you wouldn't have trouble proving willful emotional abuse. Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything.


Not really a rant. More like a public statement of truth. Marriage is the only agreement, that I'm aware of, where one party can renege on a vital element without any expectation of consequence. 
My take about the whole LD business is that most of those lacking libido wouldn't change it if they could. When you're not interested, youre not interested to the bone. 
I advise to accept it, ditch the spouse for one with more utility, or find something on the side.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Sorry. I would have been long gone. Did it once before so I know it's possible.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

R4ce said:


> I found this site looking for ways to deal with my sexless marriage. Like many my wife is extremely ld more like nonexistent. I am HD, always have been. We have been married 17 years and together 22. We always had a great sex life, 5-6 times a week average. But for the last 6 years it's been maybe 3 -4 times a YEAR. My big question is, how is it that the lD spouse isn't technically failing the marriage? to them things are peachy and sex isn't that important. That's bull****, sex and the intimacy that goes with it are a very important part of any marriage.
> 
> It seems the thing on this forum is, don't be to rough on the LD spouse. Why not? IMO they are as bad as a spouse that willingly goes out and has an affair. They are knowingly and willingly making decisions that will hurt the marriage. It should be grounds for divorce right there. In a lot of these cases, you wouldn't have trouble proving willful emotional abuse. Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything. I once again did all the housework, prepared an excellent meal. Made arrangements for the kids to be gone. Ran her a candle light bubble bath, surprised her with new satin sheets on the bed. I get yelled at for thinking I'm going to get some, her words not mine.


Once again, 17 years.... I mentioned this in another thread on Friday, but there's something real about that 17-20 year window.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How is it that you went from 5-6 times a week to 3-4 per year? That's a huge drop. The former is a lot for a lower drive so maybe she got tired of basically daily sex? Was there ever any attempt to compromise?

Before you throw out the bad spouse charge remember that a higher drive who pressures a lower drive spouse for daily sex could also be called a bad spouse as its all about their needs. That's why compromise is so important. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

R4ce said:


> I found this site looking for ways to deal with my sexless marriage. Like many my wife is extremely ld more like nonexistent. I am HD, always have been. We have been married 17 years and together 22. We always had a great sex life, 5-6 times a week average. But for the last 6 years it's been maybe 3 -4 times a YEAR. My big question is, how is it that the lD spouse isn't technically failing the marriage? to them things are peachy and sex isn't that important. That's bull****, sex and the intimacy that goes with it are a very important part of any marriage.
> 
> It seems the thing on this forum is, don't be to rough on the LD spouse. Why not? IMO they are as bad as a spouse that willingly goes out and has an affair. They are knowingly and willingly making decisions that will hurt the marriage. It should be grounds for divorce right there. In a lot of these cases, you wouldn't have trouble proving willful emotional abuse. Sorry, this is more of a rant than anything. I once again did all the housework, prepared an excellent meal. Made arrangements for the kids to be gone. Ran her a candle light bubble bath, surprised her with new satin sheets on the bed. I get yelled at for thinking I'm going to get some, her words not mine.



Both of you take this quiz separately and then exchange the results. See what your main love languages are and go from there.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Personal said:


> My big question is, what happened in detail (What did she do and what did you do) 6 years ago that proceeded, coincided and followed that considerable change of frequency? At what point did you consider it a problem was it the first week of no sex, the first month or first year etc?


I agree, SOMETHING happened 6 years ago to make a sudden drop like that. Can you think back and remember?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> How is it that you went from 5-6 times a week to 3-4 per year?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My guess is she found someone she liked better.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I agree with you but she no incentive to change and have sex with you if she doesn't want to. You are still there, paying the bills, helping with housework and cooking, helping with the children (if you have any). Have you told her you aren't going to live like this for the remainder of your life? Maybe if she is afraid you will leave she will change, if not then she just doesn't care if you two are still married and it's up to you to decide if you want to continue to be in a sexless marriage or divorce.


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## R4ce (Mar 29, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> My guess is she found someone she liked better.


In a lot of cases I would agree with this, but not this time. I would be the one most likely to fool around in our relationship, and no I haven't. I am sure a lot of her LD is due to being on Lexapro for a long time (6 years) . However imo even if one has ld they still have an obligation to their partner. When she was still HD I had some surgeries and for a few months while recovering, sex was very low on my priorities. Yet I still did whatever I could to "help" her out when her urges arose. When I work 16 hour days and want nothing but sleep. I would never turn her down when she wanted it. As for leaving her, I will not do that to my kids. They are 12 and 15, when they are older, that will be an option.

For those wondering yes we have talked about this. I have tried pretty much everything, including counseling.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

R4ce said:


> In a lot of cases I would agree with this, but not this time. I would be the one most likely to fool around in our relationship, and no I haven't. I am sure a lot of her LD is due to being on Lexapro for a long time (6 years) . However imo even if one has ld they still have an obligation to their partner. When she was still HD I had some surgeries and for a few months while recovering, sex was very low on my priorities. Yet I still did whatever I could to "help" her out when her urges arose. When I work 16 hour days and want nothing but sleep. I would never turn her down when she wanted it. *As for leaving her, I will not do that to my kids*. They are 12 and 15, when they are older, that will be an option.
> 
> For those wondering yes we have talked about this. *I have tried pretty much everything,* including counseling.


Okay, have you told her that you will leave after the children are older if she doesn't do something to increase sex/intimacy in your marriage?


You've said you tried pretty much everything. Other than counseling, what have you tried?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

So it's the meds she started 6 years ago? Have you suggested that she change them?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

R4ce said:


> In a lot of cases I would agree with this, but not this time. I would be the one most likely to fool around in our relationship, and no I haven't.  I am sure a lot of her LD is due to being on Lexapro for a long time (6 years)* . *However imo even if one has ld they still have an obligation to their partner. When she was still HD I had some surgeries and for a few months while recovering, sex was very low on my priorities. Yet I still did whatever I could to "help" her out when her urges arose. When I work 16 hour days and want nothing but sleep. I would never turn her down when she wanted it. As for leaving her, I will not do that to my kids. They are 12 and 15, when they are older, that will be an option.
> 
> For those wondering yes we have talked about this. I have tried pretty much everything, including counseling.


If you are sure that a lot of her LD is due to taking Lexapro for the last 6 years, you know it's not a coincidence that your sex life dropped off sharply when she started taking it. 

So then why are you discounting the effect of the Lexapro? You think obligation handjobs for 6 years would have made you feel loved? Wouldn't you rather your wife regain some of her libido and truly desire you?

Start with the medications. Perhaps your wife could take different depression/anxiety meds that don't cause such a drop in libido.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

> If you are sure that a lot of her LD is due to taking Lexapro for the last 6 years, you know it's not a coincidence that your sex life dropped off sharply when she started taking it.
> 
> So then why are you discounting the effect of the Lexapro? You think obligation handjobs for 6 years would have made you feel loved? Wouldn't you rather your wife regain some of her libido and truly desire you?
> 
> Start with the medications. Perhaps your wife could take different depression/anxiety meds that don't cause such a drop in libido.


Don't anti-depressants also effect the ability to climax? Just spit balling ideas, but the medication causing a combination of low libido and an inability to orgasm would probably stop a lot of people from wanting sex.

Maybe a vibrator would get her there. No offense, as I'm sure your capable under normal circumstances. But the medication.....


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## Misfits (Mar 25, 2015)

staarz21 said:


> Okay, have you told her that you will leave after the children are older if she doesn't do something to increase sex/intimacy in your marriage?
> 
> 
> You've said you tried pretty much everything. Other than counseling, what have you tried?


Agree with this. Tell her this is how it will go down. Check out emotionally and take care of your needs solo (with porn or whatever). Focus your time/energy on the kids. I'm sure you do this already but I think the important thing here is to detach emotionally from her. Dont be mean or rude or argumentative - simply treat her like a sister. Then in a few years when you finally file, you'll have a good start.

The thing is, from all my lurking and reading, there is a very high chance that she will not change. If she does it will be short lived. Bet on that being the case. Dont wake up 10 years from now and realize that you are in the same spot but 10 years older.


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