# Newbie.. whew.. ok, here it goes...



## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

sorry so long...

So I've never done something like this but I am getting to the point that I'll try anything. I will take any advice at this point. I'm feeling so isolated and numb I don't know if I can take much more. We are coming up on our first anniversary and this has been the toughest year of my life. I'll be as brief as possible so this is just the basics...

Basically we met when I was 19 - got married at 27. We met through mutual friends and currently my two best friends (for 18+years) are married to his cousin and his good friend. I can't talk about my friends about anything that comes up because then my husband finds out yet I'm constantly hearing him talk on the phone to his friend saying I'm being a b**** or in a b*tchy mood. 

His work is very verbally aggressive - SIMILAR to construction, or hard labor and it does not stop when he comes home. No matter how I explain it hurts my feelings. Hearing or being called a swear word every day is normal and its a good day when I don't get yelled at or sworn at for something. Yesterday it was because I was cooking dinner so he needed to take out our new 9 week old puppy because I was busy. He said what would you have done if I wasn't here - I simply responded make myself something different for dinner so it would be easier to take care of the puppy and he glares at me then takes her out - then doesn't talk to me for the rest of the night and goes to bed at like 830 so "he doesn't have to deal with me anymore". He's done this NUMEROUS times and lots of times locks our bedroom door so I have to sleep in the spare room. He can't do this now because of our new puppy though...

I know I have some part in this I'm just trying to wrap my head around what it is.. I am going to counseling for myself. 
I have read any relationship book that has come my way - Dr, Laura (which he bought me saying this could make me a better wife), 5 love languages, Rori Rae (or something), the mars, venus books, etc. I've gone to couples counseling, by myself for the most part, although he did attend 1-2 because he said he didnt want to hear about it if he didn't go. For those of you who are thinking I should have figured this out a long time ago I probably should have, but I honestly think it is my counseling that is making me realize this is not healthy and me standing up for myself has made the situation much worse. I try to seperate myself from him when he is on a rant and then I get accused of pouting and told to grow up. Or if I cry because he's hurt my feelings he says he can't handle me acting like such a baby.

I am just so tired of the punching holes in the walls, or in our car, or throwing things.. He has never touched me but its still scary every time he gets in that mood. 

As far as affection goes he *usually* kisses me once when he comes home from work and then asks what I did that day in more of a checking up on me making sure I wasn't lazy versus actually caring about what I did. As far as any other affection he repeatedly says why whould he want to touch me if I cut him down and that he can't stand to be around/look at me. So needless to say there is no hand holding, cuddling, etc, and since we've been married its decreased A LOT. Even if I approach him I get refused for the same reasons as above but he's ok if I take care of him.. 

OMG as I am typing this I am realizing how embarassing this is...
I appreciate any advice... I am just so lost....


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How was he the first seven years you were together? Is it just since marriage that he became so angry or has it been that way for some time, just magnified now that you are living together?


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## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

It's always been up and down but always more ups than downs.. But he's always been short tempered and I always put up with it - I never liked it or agreed but I never stood up for myself saying it was not ok how he was treating me until recently it seems to me since I started going to counseling.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Wow this is terrible, I am so sorry that your first year of marriage has been like this. Have you ever felt (honestly) that you were in any danger from him? Is he verbally or physically abusive to any other family memebers/friends/pets? There are many different types of abuse, other than just physical, and unfortunately abuse can often escalate. It is a positive step that you are in counseling. Have you ever discussed counseling with him?


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## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> Wow this is terrible, I am so sorry that your first year of marriage has been like this. Have you ever felt (honestly) that you were in any danger from him? Is he verbally or physically abusive to any other family memebers/friends/pets? There are many different types of abuse, other than just physical, and unfortunately abuse can often escalate. It is a positive step that you are in counseling. Have you ever discussed counseling with him?


Honestly I have felt in danger a couple times.. Two times were several years ago and he swerved the car and slammed the brakes and hit (punched) the steering wheel numerous times. The most recent (maybe in the last 6 months) he picked up his recliner to throw it (not a me), then didn't, but still to be mad enough to throw a recliner freaked me out... A LOT... I couldn't talk to him for days after that. I have asked him to go to anger management and he agreed that he has a temper but never goes. For couples counseling he went a couple times then held it over my head that he did and didn't go back. As far as other people go he is often very brash, but doesn't go to the same level as he does with me. As far as our puppies go he is soooo loving with our animals I often get jealous to be honest. and I ask him, how can you be so nice to them and hate me so much - and then he says its because I'm mean to him and treat him like s*it? I just don't know what to do anymore....


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

trying01 said:


> and then he says its because I'm mean to him and treat him like s*it?


First off...you SHOULD be mad, that you are treated this way. But just to try to see where he is coming from.....what is his basis for the above quote? What is it he is seeing that causes him to feel this way?

Either way...there is no way you should be made to feel this way. I don't have any actual advice...just sympathy. This is not normal.

Best of luck!

DailyGrind


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Well I think the first thing you need to recognize is that things are not going to get better on their own. Your safety needs to be first and foremost in your mind, and if you ever feel that he might hurt you, or if he does, you should leave immediately. Even if he never (physically) hurts you, how long can you stand this type of relationship? What if you have children with this man? You cannot be sure he would not treat his children the same way just because he is nice to your pets, and even if he was wonderful to your children, imagine them seeing their parents fight all the time. I went through that for 18 years with my family, and trust me, even if both parents are are great to the kids it is very hurtful to watch them tear each other apart. I am not saying your husband is a bad person, it just sounds like he has anger issues, big time. These are all things to consider when you think about being with him or not. No one can tell you what to do, but my suggestion would be to continue with your own counseling, and to try to set aside a time where you can talk to your husband in a calm, non confrontational way and tell him that counseling is something you both *have* to do to make it work. I suspect that your own counselor has told you something similar? And *please*, if he gets physical with you or you feel in danger, get help right away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you tried this book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men? It's a bible for people in situations like yours.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If having to do something as little as take the puppy out, a puppy that is also HIS responsibility makes him not talk to you for the entire night... well, that's disgustingly childish (and controlling) behaviour. Maybe you need some space from him to realise the difference in your life when you don't have him around. I hate it when people refer to marriage as 'ball and chain', but yours literally sounds like that.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

breeze said:


> If having to do something as little as take the puppy out, a puppy that is also HIS responsibility makes him not talk to you for the entire night... well, that's disgustingly childish (and controlling) behaviour. Maybe you need some space from him to realise the difference in your life when you don't have him around. I hate it when people refer to marriage as 'ball and chain', but yours literally sounds like that.


:iagree:

It seems that as you read and attend counseling, you are gaining confidence and seeing the situation for what it is. You have every reason to be scared because your husband is abusive and controlling. Plus he is just plain mean to you. Unfortunately you can't change him. He needs counseling. Preferably individual and for the marriage. If he is unwilling to change then you might think about finding happiness elsewhere.


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## amandak695 (Sep 20, 2010)

trying01 said:


> sorry so long...
> 
> So I've never done something like this but I am getting to the point that I'll try anything. I will take any advice at this point. I'm feeling so isolated and numb I don't know if I can take much more. We are coming up on our first anniversary and this has been the toughest year of my life. I'll be as brief as possible so this is just the basics...
> 
> ...


Good post. I appreciate it!:iagree:

__________________
Watch Devil Online Free


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

I grew up in a very tough area, but now work and live in a different part of the country. I mention the background only because I've seen your husband's behaviour so many times. You have every right to expect your home to be a safe haven, and not the place where you feel threatened.

I can't help but feel that if he's never approachable about this, where you can begin to safely establish some groundrules, you owe it to yourself to put your safety first.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Honestly, I'm having trouble seeing what it is that you love about this man and why you'd want to be with him. 

If you have felt in danger from him, even just once, that to me is a huge red flag. If he gets angry enough to pick up a recliner, to punch walls, those are major signs that he cannot control his anger. And if he cannot control his anger, then there's that very real chance he could one day physically unleash that anger on you. 

Even though I can't see why you love him, clearly you do, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. So, my advice to you would be that he needs anger management classes and you both need marriage counseling. What I really think is that you should tell him that if he doesn't do these things you will leave him, but I don't know if you would actually do that, and making that threat means nothing if you won't actually do it. 

I would caution you against having kids with him, at least anytime soon. As I think someone above mentioned, the situation you describe is not one that you should bring a child into. 

I also agree with the suggestion of getting some space from him. Sometimes although we know we are unhappy with a situation, we don't realize just HOW unhappy we are until we get some distance from it. Once apart from him, you may suddenly realize how you feel as though a weight is lifted off your shoulders and you feel so much happier. Not to mention that by separating yourself from him, you could make him realize how wrong his behavior is and what it could cost him, thereby causing him to seek help and work on changing.


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## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Honestly, I'm having trouble seeing what it is that you love about this man and why you'd want to be with him. QUOTE]
> 
> I guess I did paint this one sided picture of him and thats not the whole thing, but that day at that moment thats all I could think of. I focused on all the bad stuff because that's what I needed help with.. On that note here is an update if anyone is curious...
> 
> ...


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Thanks for the update, glad to hear that things are getting better for you. I would definitely say try to get some counseling. I was able to find a therapist who had late evening appointments and even saturday appointments, to work out with mine and my husband's schedule. It would be so easy at this point to think that things are better, you can handle things on your own, and then have things slowly go back to the way they were. I have had my own marriage problems, and looking back things would have been easier if we had gotten counseling before things got so bad! I wish you the best of luck, hopefully things will only get better for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

trying01 said:


> I know this is a process it just feels different and its nice. It's like we're both playing on the same team now when for so long we've been playing against each other. Sounds corny I know..


 awww, that just gave me goosebumps!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm so glad to hear that he showed you he can own his part. I hope he can stay on your team. I would be as picky as you can in finding a counselor....someone with experience in abuse, because that's what he was doing to you, even if he never touched you. It's important that you work with a counselor who won't let him slant things, who will call him to be accountable and not blame you. I also hope he sticks with it and doesn't hold it against you like he has before. It sounds like you have a very rational and realistic handle on what's going on, and you are managing to take care of yourself. Stay strong, hold your ground and dignity, and hopefully your husband will respect and love you for that, and will participate with you in the healing of your relationship. Please keep us posted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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