# Wife seeking divorce -Lack of sex



## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Wife is asking for a divorice as she says there is lack of sex in our marraige, the sex is less but can be improved. I only knew that she felt that the frequency of sex is less when she already had moved to her parents house and decided that she wanted a divorce.

As I was not informed by her before she moved to her parents house and asked for a divorce about the pain she is going through because of lack of sex, I could do nothing to make it better. After the divorce demand she were not ready for councelling also, but I have now made her agree to conselling. 

How do I get my wife who is not ready to save the marraige to stay. I am willing to have more intimacy and sex, I would have earlier too only if she would have opened up and asked/demanded or initiated it.

Divorce is imminent please suggest.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Was the move to her parents house a complete surprise?
Did you come home from work to find all her stuff gone or what?

If not she must have said "something" before she left.
What was it?

Why is there a lack of sex in your marriage?
Why have you done nothing about it?

I`m finding it hard to believe she just up and bolted over a lack of sex without ever saying a word.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Yes, the move to her parents house was a complete suprise as there were no fights/arguments or even discussion about her feeling that we have less sex in our marraige than she wants. In fact I had dropped to her work the same morning and she was not even angry in the morning.

I had initiated and we had been having sex but it was once or twice in a couple of months, but she did not even say that she felt that this was too less. I had been intitating sex 8 -10 times in the past 2 months and I had been rejected as she said that she was having inflamation between her legs/migrane/has to get up early in morning etc.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

With her getting up and leaving without notice seems to me as she's using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage. Most likely for another man, this is her way of "justifying" it's okay to put the blame on you.

It doesn't make any sense for her to get up and leave.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jacksprrw said:


> Yes, the move to her parents house was a complete suprise as there were no fights/arguments or even discussion about her feeling that we have less sex in our marraige than she wants. In fact I had dropped to her work the same morning and she was not even angry in the morning.
> 
> I had initiated and we had been having sex but it was once or twice in a couple of months, but she did not even say that she felt that this was too less. I had been intitating sex 8 -10 times in the past 2 months and I had been rejected as she said that she was having inflamation between her legs/migrane/has to get up early in morning etc.


Ok well it sounds as if you were the one initiated and getting shot down.
I want you to think about what that does to her excuse of "I left because of a lack of sex".

It`s too early yet but someone soon is going to tell you to start looking for another man in the picture.

If you`ve been having problems with her rejecting you because of numerous bull**** excuses then you have a few red flags for an affair.

1:She left without telling you why
2: She`s blameshifting by telling you it`s because of a lack of sex that she cut off.(does that make any sense?)
3:She`s put distance between you.(Free to carry on with a lover out of your sight/presence.

That`s what I`m seeing, that could change if you have any different info but from what you`ve said I`d start snooping around for a new man in her life somewhere.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Felt the same way and told her that if there was someone else then I would give a divorce this instant but if the reason is lack of sex then I am sure we can work and improve it by counselling and being more open about our sexual desires. 

However she denied that there was anyone else.

But, she found it more conveninet to open up to her father about this issue than telling me. Her father was the one who told me that she has this issue and now divorce is the only solution to this.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

There is either something else going on here as in, you have done something she deems as "Really ****ing terrible" or she`s interested in a new man or would like to be interested in a new man.

So basically the only info you`re getting from her is through her father?
She won`t talk to you?

She told her father she left you due to a lack of sex?
Then he told you what she told him?

Am I reading that right?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jack... looking back now, my now ex W too was complaining about lack of sex, but then also saying she wasn't feeling sexual, and that "it wasn't me it was her". I would have loved more sex but her lack of desire for me sure didn't motivate me to stoke any fires. Of course when I found out about her affair she was telling me that I was like a room-mate and a brother and that she thinks she's a sex addict - wow that is a blow to realize all along it is an ATTRACTION issue - no matter how open you are about each others sexual desires that will not improve your sex life - in fact if she is secretly repulsed by you talking sex is only repulsing her more.

Stop talking about things and start making some reasonable demands, make your relationship needs clear to her, then do what you need to have your needs met by yourself - I don't mean just sex, I mean take charge of your own life, don't allow yourself to be disrespected and become the king of your own world and being amazing to those you choose to love and who reciprocate by letting you.

Last thing I have to suggest, is that talking about your plans now without backing it up with action is much worse than not talking at all.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Does she ask you for sex and do you turn her down?


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

So basically the only info you`re getting from her is through her father?
She won`t talk to you?
Yes, I got the information from her father but she was also present in the same room but not saying a word. After that discussion with her father I pleaded her for us to talk together in private but she was saying no, but after some time she argeed and then after I told her that if she was not getting as much as she wanted then she should have atleast told me she says that it does not need telling and I should have realised on my own what a wife would feel if we were having such less sex. 

After that I am waiting for counselling and not tried to talk to her (been 18 days now) but sending SMS to which I get no reply.


She told her father she left you due to a lack of sex?
Then he told you what she told him?
Yes.




tacoma said:


> Ok well it sounds as if you were the one initiated and getting shot down.
> I want you to think about what that does to her excuse of "I left because of a lack of sex".
> 
> It`s too early yet but someone soon is going to tell you to start looking for another man in the picture.
> ...


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Does she ask you for sex and do you turn her down?


No, she neither asked for more or initiated sex at anytime in last one year. We have been married for 5 years.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

tacoma said:


> It`s too early yet but someone soon is going to tell you to start looking for another man in the picture.


I'm your huckleberry.

OP, start looking.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jacksprrw said:


> So basically the only info you`re getting from her is through her father?
> She won`t talk to you?
> Yes, I got the information from her father but she was also present in the same room but not saying a word. After that discussion with her father I pleaded her for us to talk together in private but she was saying no, but after some time she argeed and then after I told her that if she was not getting as much as she wanted then she should have atleast told me she says that it does not need telling and I should have realised on my own what a wife would feel if we were having such less sex.


Ok, but you are telling me there was a lack of sex because she rejected you.
She is telling you she left because of a lack of sex.

See the disconnect?

My friend if this doesn`t sound like affair fog I have never heard affair fog.


Find the other man.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry but you are beiing played. What woman would leave and have talk to her dad about lack of sex?

There is another romantic interest at work here. But you wife is hiding them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes found someone else and is using this as a way out!

thats my bet


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## jambo5 (May 29, 2012)

Move on now. I agree with the others - this is an excuse. She is either not that attracted to you and/or is cheating on you. Hard truth, but I think you are entitled to a better relationship than this.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

You know, there are millions of sexless marriages where the couple stays together until one dies. And I can see someone wanting to leave a relationship if there is no sex at all. But not ENOUGH sex? Seems to me there is probably a lot more wrong with the relationship than that for her to take such drastic action.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

And that too now when we were seriously planning to have a baby and were planning to have regular sex according favourable period suggested by the doctor.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Mr B said:


> You know, there are millions of sexless marriages where the couple stays together until one dies. And I can see someone wanting to leave a relationship if there is no sex at all. But not ENOUGH sex? Seems to me there is probably a lot more wrong with the relationship than that for her to take such drastic action.


Appart from that we were a very normal couple in a loving relationship. I always told her that I love her, whenever on Saturday she left for office earlier than me she used to always expect me to kiss her goodbye and in some rare case, I did not as I was busy doing something she would remind me that I was forgetting something. 

We never called eachother by our names, we had some special loving names for eachother and we called each other by those. There was not a day that I did not kiss her and told her she is beautiful. She also called me her 'handsome' and 'tarzan' loveingly. 

The only thing that I think was missing was that we were never open about sex to discuss it and she did not tell me her feelings about our sex life , kept it to herself and then one day went to her parents and cried it out.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry dude...I agree with the rest. Me and my wife are not open about sex either...and it will be our demise too. But what can I do..she's a prude.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

There is something else going on. You have do some discrete snooping to find out. Don't assume it is what she said. Odd that she spoke with her father. Is her mom in the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure320 (Jun 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> shes found someone else and is using this as a way out!
> 
> thats my bet


I agree


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

jacksprrw said:


> Appart from that we were a very normal couple in a loving relationship. I always told her that I love her, whenever on Saturday she left for office earlier than me she used to always expect me to kiss her goodbye and in some rare case, I did not as I was busy doing something she would remind me that I was forgetting something.
> 
> We never called eachother by our names, we had some special loving names for eachother and we called each other by those. There was not a day that I did not kiss her and told her she is beautiful. She also called me her 'handsome' and 'tarzan' loveingly.
> 
> The only thing that I think was missing was that we were never open about sex to discuss it and she did not tell me her feelings about our sex life , kept it to herself and then one day went to her parents and cried it out.


I"m really sorry you are going through this.
She took the coward's way out.
I do have a couple of questions for you....
you were planning to have a baby. Yet you were only having sex once every 2 months or so for the past year.
Any ideas why you stopped initiating? Why did your drive drop for so long? Did you ever discuss it with her? (If you were the one that always initiated, and suddenly stopped... why didn't you talk to her so she didn't feel bad about it?)
Did it bother you that were not having sex very often? 
Does she think you were having an affair? 

At this point, you can take the opportunity to look at yourself a little bit, work on being strong, and please do go to counselling. I agree she might have strayed. (did you?)
Hopefully counselling will help you both to communicate what the problem is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jacksprrw said:


> The only thing that I think was missing was that we were never open about sex to discuss it and she did not tell me her feelings about our sex life , kept it to herself and then one day went to her parents and cried it out.


I still don`t think you`re getting it Jack.

She was the reason for the lack of sex.
She now complains about a lack of sex to others as the reason she`s left.

You don`t see this con?

Don`t listen to what she`s telling you, think about what she`s doing/done.

Her words are either lies or mistaken(fog), her actions are what you need to be observing.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I can't imagine discussing my sex life with my parents, let alone my father. I know some people can, but not me.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Any ideas why you stopped initiating? Why did your drive drop for so long? Did you ever discuss it with her? (If you were the one that always initiated, and suddenly stopped... why didn't you talk to her so she didn't feel bad about it?)
One incident happened on the first night of marraige that affected my drive. We were in the act were doing foreplay and suddenly she said that she does not feel anything. This had a negative impact on me and again a few months later while in the act she just got up from the bed , lay on the floor with a pillow and cried. This also had a negative impact.

Still I initated but the frequency was low, she also initiated but I think if this mattered to her so much she should have initiated a lot more than she did.

Did it bother you that were not having sex very often? 
No, it did not bother me but if it did bothered her we would have had a lot more than what we did.


Does she think you were having an affair? 
She had a lot of male friends who were calling her and she did not speak to them on the phone in my presence , we used to have arguments over this habbit of cutting off the phone when I am around as I never asked her not to have any male friends at all. All I asked is talk to them when I am around. But I never suspected her having an affair.







deejov said:


> I"m really sorry you are going through this.
> She took the coward's way out.
> I do have a couple of questions for you....
> you were planning to have a baby. Yet you were only having sex once every 2 months or so for the past year.
> ...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It does sound like you have only been married for maybe 2 years? And the last 2 months you have been trying and she has turned you down. (she gave up a couple of months ago)

So.. from the start of the marriage sex has been a problem (for her at least) and you two did not learn yet how to talk about it, what her issues are, and what you both feel sex is.

do you think she has some past issue she has not dealt with? 
(crying on the floor isn't normal)

Stay strong, hope you are able to start talking about this soon.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Do not know if she had any childhood issues related to sex, although she was adoped by her parents when she was two years old. We will have a marraige counselling session soon, so hope all this is settled for the better. Would be first time I talk to her in four weeks.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jacksprrw said:


> Do not know if she had any childhood issues related to sex, although she was adoped by her parents when she was two years old. We will have a marraige counselling session soon, so hope all this is settled for the better. Would be first time I talk to her in four weeks.


I would seek out a sex therapist. It sounds like you've never had the kind of sexual relationship between the two of you that you ought to have. Did she orgasm regularly? Even if you did, are you sure she wasn't pretending? You are not a mind reader. Each of us is responsible for communicating what we like and our other needs and wants. She needs to learn to talk frankly about sex. What was her sexual history before you? Sorry if I missed that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Sex therapist is a good suggestion but her parents would not agree to that, initially we will have marraige counselling as decided and when things improve (as she is living with her parents now) we will surely have sex therapist session too.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Are you talking to her now while she is at her parents ? Has she said anything else about divorce, or initiated paperwork?

How are you doing with all of this?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Posse said:


> I'm your huckleberry.
> 
> OP, start looking.


Definetly.... sorry


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

Now after a one to one session with the counsellor she has changed her reason from lack of sex to saying that I do not get erect and that she does not get satisfied. 

This is not true at all, I get errect but sometimes in the middle the hardness drops, I stop do more foreplay on her and then after it gets hard again continue. However never while having sex she ever given me a HJ or have I asked her for a BJ, I get erect by mastrubating while I give her foreplay and I have never tried any medications for prolonging the erections.

This used to happen often but she did not discuss this with me and maybe told her father when she left the house and then to the counsellor.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jacksprrw said:


> Now after a one to one session with the counsellor she has changed her reason from lack of sex to saying that I do not get erect and that she does not get satisfied.
> 
> This is not true at all, I get errect but sometimes in the middle the hardness drops, I stop do more foreplay on her and then after it gets hard again continue. However never while having sex she ever given me a HJ or have I asked her for a BJ, I get erect by mastrubating while I give her foreplay and I have never tried any medications for prolonging the erections.
> 
> This used to happen often but she did not discuss this with me and maybe told her father when she left the house and then to the counsellor.


Maybe counseling isn`t such a bad thing after all.
Seems you`ve actually gotten an answer through her obfuscating excuses

Go see a urologist and get your testosterone checked.

In the mean time see your doctor and get a script for viagra/cialis.

See what her reaction is to a hard as a pipe erection that won`t go away for hours.

She finally gave you a straight answer, do something about it.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

I have already had the testostorone test done two weeks ago when she had complained of lack of sex. The results came at 440 mg/dl, which is within range for a 33 yr male as per my doctor. Going to see a sexologist before our next counselling seission and discuss about any medications that would help. Hope I am able to convince her, would have done this long ago if she had expressed her dissatisfaction earlier.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

deejov said:


> Are you talking to her now while she is at her parents ? Has she said anything else about divorce, or initiated paperwork?
> 
> How are you doing with all of this?


I am not in touch with her while she is at her parents, we have schedueld a counselling session next week and this is the first time we would be talking after this incidedent.


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## jacksprrw (Jun 5, 2012)

I tried my best and yet did not succeed. We had the mutual councelling and I showed that all her issues could be resolved yet she did not agree and was adamant that she wanted to end the marraige. These were her words to the counsellor "I want to end this marraige and no one will be able to convince me otherwise".

She had said that we had very litte sex (by this she ment intercourse) and she was furstrated with this, but I pointed out that even when we were cosying up in bed or even when we were having foreplay (which we had more times than actual interouse) she never said or just come on top of me and had it as this was the best time and she did not even have to ask. She did not have any answers just she looked at the ceiling and had a little smile on her face.

I asked her how would I know that she was suffering if she did not tell me anything and go to her father and discuss about our sex life before first discussing it with me, I am the one who can give her more sex which she wants and not her father. She says that a husband should not be told that his wife desires more sex and he should just know it. But I am not a mind reader.


She had earlier alleged that I did not have erections, for this I went to a sexologist and he tested my erection and in his report had written "hard and normal erection" he even did a doppler sonography test to test the blood flow and it too was normal and mentioned in the report. Showed her my testostorone report which was also normal. I told her that there is nothing physicaly wrong with me we can have as much sex she wants, all she has to do is ask.

She had issues with my parents who live in the same town, I told her that I am ready to move to a diffrent city and my mother would not be able to come home unannounced twice a week which she did not like.

Still she was unconvinced and just made general statements that she is not ready to come home and go through the frustation and grief again. I said that when I am ready to have as much sex as she wants , there is no reason to be frustrated. However nothing could make her think otherwise. 

So now instead of fighting the divorce and wasting five years of my life I have decided to go for a mutual divorce and get it over with. 

I tried my best but ........


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

jacksprrw said:


> Sex therapist is a good suggestion but her parents would not agree to that, initially we will have marraige counselling as decided and when things improve (as she is living with her parents now) we will surely have sex therapist session too.


are you married to her or her parents???


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I wish we could hear the other side of the story.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry, jack, hoping your divorce goes easier and she talks to you about that at least!

This might not help, but such a lack of communication is pretty much a bad sign to a marriage, and better now than in a few years. 
You are right to think it's wrong that she didn't talk to you about this. 
She's not marriage material, after all.

I'm inclined to think that she didnt talk to you about it or ask you about it because SHE has some serious issues that she is hiding. Or she is hiding another man. 

Be strong, best wishes. Post and let us know how you are doing!


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