# Help, I am lost in life, love, and marriage



## ndanielson (Jan 25, 2010)

Hello,
This is my first post... I usually shy away from forums such as this, but I need experienced outside opinions. Here goes..

My wife and I met 6 years ago in the summer of 2004. We were both seeing other people at the time, but something just clicked all to well and we got together and have stayed as such ever since. We were very young, 16 and 17. We both graduated, moved around together, went to college, lived together, met her birth parents together for the first time (issues, I know), and we finally became pregnant at the ages of 18 and 19. We finished out our semesters then moved away from home to get out of our college partying lifestyles. It was very hard, we struggled often, but we changed into the people our son would need as parents. After he was born, we continued to go to school and I continued to work. 4 to 5 months after our son was born, my wife and I got into a huge fight and we both decided that not having our families help was no longer ideal and we moved home. Apparently my wife felt as though I was not what she had always wanted and dreamed... but we continued to grow and change together. We married when our son was a little older than 1, and have been married since, for a little over 2 years now. 

Today, my son is 3 1/2 years old. My wife and I continue to go to school and I continue to work (albeit very minimally, we have our finances worked out well enough to where they aren't much of a real issue) But my wife and I certainly are not happy together. We have seen multiple counselors/therapists and none of them ever stick for long. We saw one that seemed perfect for us, then after 4 months of weekly sessions, my wife felt as though our counselor was no longer helping us grow. So I went alone to the last 3 sessions and finally stopped going altogether. 
She has been on countless medications, from numerous therapists and doctors. She currently is taking an anti-depressant which she often says she wouldn't need if I could love her enough. 

THE PROBLEM::: as defined and seen/felt by my wife and I.
My wife was in a relationship when she was young, about 13-16... She says she was madly in love, and had never felt this type of love from anyone else. She says they connected so deeply, that no one could ever understand it. Most importantly, she says I have never provided her that feeling.

Today, she barely lets me touch her, hold her, or kiss her. Everyday I tell her I love her, and I do so with meaning. I strive to be an amazing father, husband, friend, and student. I strive to learn more about the depth of human compassion and emotion so I can better understand my feelings and my wife's. But I can never get anywhere with her. She tells me I make her feel lonely. I help her with school, I let her sleep in, I am always attentive at home, I always offer dates, I cook her dinners, I try to make her laugh and smile, I try to show her I love her and want to be let in. I am always trying to converse with her, to dig into her soul, to let her open up to me. I am working on being a more open person so I can be more open to her as well, I know she sees this. But, still she tells me there is no love between us. She has become so hostile towards me, constantly telling me I know nothing of love and the human condition. Yet, the pain, fire, and happiness in my heart speaks volumes otherwise. The ring on my finger symbolizes my commitment to us, even while her finger lies bare. I love her madly, I will gladly do anything in the world to make her happy. But I do not know what to do...

I feel as though she has this defined, exact feeling of love that she claims to have felt with this other person before me, that she seeks to attain. How can I ever provide that? How can I show her that I can love her this much, even more? 
She says she is constantly in pain and unhappy with us, yet never does anything to actively make us better. She always talks about wanting to see counselors, therapists, spiritual guidance, but its always left to me to make happen.

I feel lost... is my situation unique? Am I simply so blind to something so massive? I know she has adoption abandonment issues, but she is surrounded by people who love her.. me, her mom, her birth family, her friends, our son... but she says none of this is the type of love that will fill the hole in her heart?!?! 

Lost...


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## Stuckonstupid (Jan 24, 2010)

If you are the only one putting energy into growing and improving the relationship then the battle may already be lost. If she is not willing any longer to put the effort and time into bringing your love to that level it may be time to realize she isnt all the way into you. Situations like this can often be fixed in the easiest of ways. A break(up). Tkae an extended break from each other, if she doesnt miss you then it means she has moved on, if her heart still desires you then things will work in the long run. The worst you can do is keep pushing her to love you deeply, eventually she will feel that youve moved from desperation to just annoyance.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

If I was you (I was you, almost exactly as you describe, even on the ages, 1 kid etc) I would sit down with her and suggest you take a break. Pick a date in the future when you will sit down and talk again.

No contact during this period is best, other than to make arrangements for your kid. I am not saying this is easy, or even hard, it's down right devastating infact.

Someone on here always says "no marriage was ever made worse by time apart" and I really agree with this 100%.

My god stop being so nice and accommodating! You deserve someone who will treat you like you are their world. And stop telling her you love her every day.

Kids can cloud your judgement in these situations. Whilst you need to put them first in all your decisions, staying in an unhappy marriage for their benefit is rarely in their best interests.

Take the time apart. YOU make that decision. And don't spend the time wishing she'll come and throw her arms around you, spend it planning and improving your own life in every way you can. Be busy.

As far as the adoption abandonment issues, depression etc go, you can't help people that don't want to be helped. Time to focus on making youself happy. Life is just too short.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

I'll change the last line to:

Life is just too short - and sometimes it needs to get a little bit worse before it gets a lot better.

Keep us posted.


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## spmkb (Feb 23, 2011)

I'll add my 2 cents worth. I really think that some women fail to recognize that sex is like glue for a relationship. Women may make jokes about "oversexed" men all they want but the hard fact is - even if a woman sees it as a chore - or worse uses it as "leverage" to get what she wants - Sex is like water for a flower. Don't water it, and it dies. Use it as leverage, and he WILL resent you - even if you don't know it.

Please women, STOP using sex as a tooll, and start understanding that if you are with a man that you cannot truthfully enjoy sex with, do yourself and him a favor and leave. 

It may be painful for both - but not as cruel as maintaining a relationship where he feels used, manipulated and taken advantage of.

I married a woman i truly love, and at the same time resent because she wants me not for who i am - but for what i can give her. My wants needs and desires are irrellevant. She has always viewed sex as a chore. As a breadwinner and provider i do my chores without complaint. Why is it that some women deny their men - saying no, just for the sake of saying no?

She has a disease which will eventually take her life. I will continue doing everything i can to honor my vow to her, but when she is gone - I cannot say i'll ever marry again. Being single is hard, But not this hard.

I worry about the future of our nation when lots of men feel as i do. No more familes will start because men are just DONE being treated as i have described here....Done with women.

I do recognize that many men are not without blame in not meeting the needs of their wives, But that can, in some cases be a losing battle too - Because many women either don't know what they want, and it changes by the day, Or they set their standards for a man so high - that its tempting to just say "why bother"

If you doubt me, look at the dating websites these days. some are so EXACT in what they THINK they want - on both sides of the gender gap, It can be comical to read.....

'nuff said


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