# Lied to, let down and angry



## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

After being suspicious that my wife was getting too close to a friend I challenged her, she said she’d been counselling him through marital issues and she agreed to put distance between them. 

Another dinner party later and I could see nothing had changed, the next day I asked to see her mobile phone because I’d seen her hovering over it waiting for texts. She freaked, said she wanted to kill herself and fled the house with her phone. I managed to find her, recover the phone and found she’d been sending sexual text message to him. She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this, that she felt terrible and wanted to make thing work “whatever it takes”. I forced her to go over and tell his wife what had been going on and I went round myself to throw the boot in. I gave her the chance to come clean and tell me everything; she swore again that I knew everything. 

After going through phone records the next day I saw that there had also been a picture message, this time when I challenged her she admitted that there had been two picture messages, her nude, him nude, that there’d been two kisses between them and he’d felt her up at a dinner party (while the kids were there!). 

She seems genuinely remorseful; she swears there was never any physical attraction (despite what she’s admitted) and that it was only ever the thrill of the texts. I have to ask myself though, how can you trust this person, before this I thought I could trust her no matter what and now that’s broken and I don’t know how to get it back. We were going through a lean spell in the relationship, she’d battled depression after having the kids between that and the kids I’d be the first to admit we’d drifted. What gets to me is that instead of putting right her own relationship she went out and found a thrill with someone else. The very last text in the stream, from her, was “enough talk, show me” – but she swears that she’d never have allowed it to turn into a physical relationship…how could I believe that, should I believe it?

If I’m honest I can see how sorry she is and that she wanted the relationship to get back on track. It’s been a couple of weeks and we’ve gone through extreme highs and lows. A friend she confided in told her to write me a letter explaining how she felt but she didn’t do it. 

My problem is that I’ll wake up on a morning and I still have the same feelings: “What were you thinking”, “How could you do that”, “Why did you keep lying”, “If we get into another down period what’s going to stop you doing it again”. 

If we didn’t have kids I don’t think we’d have got past the first set of lies but the hard fact is that we do and they add another reason to try to make it work. That said I won’t have them used as emotional blackmail either.

I feel deceived, cheated and taken for a fool. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I never, ever thought she could bring this pain into my life and that of our children. I’m let down, disappointed and angry with her and as much as I try it’s always “why? why? why?”. For her part she’s got to the point where she’s having anxiety about where my moods going to be from one day to the next and says I need to make a decision because the pain of not knowing is hurting her too much. I want to make it work but I don’t know how when all these feelings change so rapidly. 

I feel a bit better for writing it all down but I really need some perspective because I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t find a level.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Another it was just a kiss thread.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

Sorry I'm not familiar with these forums is that meant to mean "Don't believe it" or "You're making a bif deal out of nothing?"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

letdown said:


> Sorry I'm not familiar with these forums is that meant to mean "Don't believe it" or "You're making a bif deal out of nothing?"


Don't be sorry, you did nothing wrong. That same line comes up on this site just about daily and almost always it ends up being a full blown sex.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

In this case I do not believe it wasn't sex. There was one night early on which started the whole thing, I was away and she'd got drunk. He was sober and ran her home, she's admitted there was a kiss at the door on that night but very brief and besides the kids were around. Other than that I don't think there was even the opportunity for them to have done anything.

One of her arguments for making it work is "it's not alike we actually had sex, I'd never let anyone alse touch me like that..."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your chcick is way out of line for thinking she is in pain do to her anxity. She should be begging on her hands and knees . But since she isn't ask her to leave.

I see no remorse when she cames at you like this, how dare she put that kid of demand on you after what she did.

But since you want the marriage to work lets clear one thing up by taking a polygraph test with two question worded in how many ways you want but "did she have intercourse" and "did she have unprotected intercourse"

But dude from the way she is trying to manage you by pushing for a disicion i bet she will freak out and tell you it over and she can't take your abuse any more.

See if she was truelly remorseful she welcome this invitation with open arms

Now lets talk about preventive maintence.... until she can admitt that her choice on how she handled a unhealthy marrige was all on her and her cheating is 100% her own doing with excuse or justification then you can move on to going to IC and learn why she has these behaviors and understands her self and can be honest with her self. Imean if she likes to be this naughty girl thats fine be honest and tell you what she needs. But teeling one thing and behaving differentky when no ones looking is unhealthy soo she need the tools to affair proof her marriage by going to IC and learning something about her self and learn how to have healthier boundries.

with some tough love you just might be able to get thru this, until she has a certain degree of submission then forget about it.

Her demand a dicision is just the same women she has allway been, manageing you and see what she can get away with to keep the control in the marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Have you gone through all of her text messages? If its a smartphone, you might be able to get deleted one's.

At the party where she "kissed" him, who else was there, any of your friends or relatives?

How is her work schedule? Does she have any unaccounted time out?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So she never lets any one touch her like that but she can type up a good fantasy and be all nasty.

She needs IC so she can to come term with what she is and still have a commited relationship if she can be honest with her self and you.

But no she insist on putting up the pure white princess infront of you all the while deep down she has a need to be filled as long as no one knows who she really wants to be.

And there is nothing wrong with that as long as she can be honest and being in a committed marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

letdown said:


> In this case I do not believe it wasn't sex. There was one night early on which started the whole thing, I was away and she'd got drunk. He was sober and ran her home, she's admitted there was a kiss at the door on that night but very brief and besides the kids were around. Other than that I don't think there was even the opportunity for them to have done anything.


Wait, he took your wife to your house but only kissed outside of the door and you were away at that time?

How old are the kids?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you do realize you can't hang-out with these people any longer, right?

don't make the mistake of sweeping this under the rug. she needs to do some "work" before you should even think about trusting her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMHO, this isn't an exit affair, but some broken girl that has a void that needs to be filled and isn't honest enought to except it, so she hids from her husband instead of sharing with her husband.

Ashamed and lying to her self b/c she has the perception to be this proper mother and wife.

I hope you see the issue here and why it so important that she gets the tools to affair proof the marriage thru counseling


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

Kids are 3, 4 and 6. 

Honestly, I can see how sorry she is and she understands she's 100% to blame. She did suggest to me that she'd like to take a polygraph but at the time I saaid, no point as they're not 100% reliable. I think the fact she actually wanted to do it does support her argument.

My issue is the break in trust and the layer of lies I had to work through.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

Cledus - yes I realise that - no chance of us every being around that little s71te again! Kids are in same class at school though so it going to be awkward at time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let me get to the chase, all these folks repying are looking at one thing here and that is there is more to the story then what you WW (wayward) wife is saying and doing

This **** is like and iceberg there is alway more to it then what the wayward tell you.

See the more they minimize the less shame is projected. If it was just a kiss then she really isn't that bad.

It lessons the guilt and humilation of what really want on in the cover of darkness. A fantasy so unbelieveble that they them selves refuse to believe it.

Get the polygraph test. Most likely she will come out with everything in the parking lot of the examiner.

So if you want tell her you made an appointment and fins the nearest one and drive her down and as you walk up to the door see what happens.

If she does go in the just walk up the desk and make an apointment. It woulds interesting to see her reaction.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

you will never understand the break in trust and lyer of lies until she does, there is some deep seed that cause this kind of behavior and it won't come out until she seeks help from a pro.

Right now you will only get the "I don't know" and the "I don't remmeber" and " it was a thrill and exciting"

Those are excuse you and her need to understand the behavior that generated the actions go get some counseling for her and some MC for the both of you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Trust but verfy. Keylog the PC. The may be in contact by email, even just to "conoct" stories to both set of spuses or to find out "how are things there". Also she already proved to have bad boundaires, she might be doing something similar online. Find out how deep is the rabbit hole.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm in IT. She believes I can see everything. I undeleted all the texts to read them and I think that re-enforced her belief that if she uses technology I can get it back. I know there were messages on facebook and a brief message to an ex but the mobile messages (and picture) were the main and worst of it.

Do you really think I should push for the Polygraph - after all she suggested it in the first place, she couldn't have known I would have rejected the idea???


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It is possible she's bluffing you.

So she not only texted this guy but an ex as well? Other then her "limited" computer/phone usage, it is possible she may have a burner phone on the side.

Do these guys have any connection to her at work or through relatives?


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

No connection with ex is overseas and from the email seemed to be more about forgiveness for his past affairs than anything else.

Contact with the 'friend' was initially becuase of the kids being in the same class and our social circle. I don't *think* there's another phone involved otherwise I'd imagine she'd have used that and kept her current phone 'clean'.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

letdown said:


> In this case I do not believe it wasn't sex. There was one night early on which started the whole thing, I was away and she'd got drunk. He was sober and ran her home, she's admitted there was a kiss at the door on that night but very brief and besides the kids were around. Other than that I don't think there was even the opportunity for them to have done anything.
> 
> One of her arguments for making it work is "it's not alike we actually had sex, I'd never let anyone alse touch me like that..."


I'm a little confused.

You are "away". (Out of town? Overnight?)
She gets drunk and he takes her home. (Got drunk where?)
No sex because the kids were around. 
Where were the children while she was getting drunk? 
Is she the type of mother who would get drunk while responsible for the well being of small children?
Can you confirm that the kids were around when wife and OM were together?
I think there is more to it than kissing (for me that is bad enough not to overlook).
I think she is saying "no sex" meaning intercourse. Could it be there was a blowjob or handjob or semi-clothed making out that she is not counting as sex?

You are right that a polygraph is not 100% dependable but I would tell her that you are going to take her up on the offer and then write a set of questions that would cover ALL possible physical encounters with ANY other men. Show her the questions and have her answer them. Tell her that if the polygraph shows any deception on any of the questions that it will mean divorce.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

- I was away the whole week.
- She went to theirs for tea (him, her their 3 kids and our 3)
- I believe there was no sex because she's so upset and because with the kids about I doubt there was ever the chance.
- Yes she got drunk with the kids about and in her sole charge
- She's adamant there was no other physical contact

Yes I know what it sounds like - but I also know her quite well and I think she's told everything. I just can't TRUST that she has and I don't know where to go from here.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

letdown said:


> Yes I know what it sounds like - but I also know her quite well and I think she's told everything. I just can't TRUST that she has and I don't know where to go from here.


Did you know she was going to cheat too?




> - I was away the whole week.
> - She went to theirs for tea (him, her their 3 kids and our 3)
> - I believe there was no sex because she's so upset and because with the kids about I doubt there was ever the chance.
> - Yes she got drunk with the kids about and in her sole charge
> - She's adamant there was no other physical contact


Since you couldn't find any proof of what went on through her electronics, I doubt you'll have much luck finding the truth. 

Were your kids able to say anything?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do the polygraph - while they may not be perfect they do tell you if someone is lying/covering up the truth. There is also the mental affect they have on the taker which causes them to come clean before taking the test.

What does the OMW say?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

letdown said:


> she said she’d been counselling him through marital issues
> 
> 
> I managed to find her, recover the phone and found she’d been sending sexual text message to him. She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this
> ...



What do you mean it hasn't be physical? Do you notice the progression here.The fact that he felt her up under your nose at a dinner party would have me questioning what she could have been up to while you're away.She may say she never would have had intercourse with him,but that's not what her actions show.jmo


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

letdown said:


> - I was away the whole week.
> *That's plenty of time to squeeze-in a quick squeeze*.
> 
> - She went to theirs for tea (him, her their 3 kids and our 3)
> ...


I'm cynical and pessimistic by nature. Sorry if my post sounds overly-negative, but the fact is that your wife lied, _to your face_, about the affair, and when you caught her, ran like a mad-woman to hide her phone from you. _She swore on her children's lives_ that it was never physical, but you find out she sent naked pictures, he groped her, and they kissed. 

She just trivialized the lives of your children to cover-up her affair. Congratulations: You have married a _genuine_ piece of work.

Cheaters downplay _everything_ to minimize the damage they've done when exposed. The unwritten rule on these forums is that 'kiss" means "sex."

What I would do, in all honestly, is file for divorce and expose her affair to her family. Tell her she has until the divorce is final to prove she's worth staying married to. Make her pull her weight and earn your trust. She needs to fix the marriage she broke.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Dude, get the polygraph. You need to know for dang sure she isn't lying to you before you consider R with her. You can't trust anything she says right now. She is trickle trusting you. Read some of the other threads in CWI and you will see your own story repeated with alarming frequency. Listen to the folks here. They deal with situations like yours literally on a daily basis.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_"After being suspicious that my wife was getting too close to a friend I challenged her, she said she’d been counselling him through marital issues and *she agreed to put distance between them.*_ *LIE #1*

_"Another dinner party later and I could see nothing had changed, the next day I asked to see her mobile phone because I’d seen her hovering over it waiting for texts. She freaked, said she wanted to kill herself and fled the house with her phone. I managed to find her, recover the phone and found she’d been sending sexual text message to him. *She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this"*,_ *LIE #2 *

_that she felt terrible and wanted to make thing work “whatever it takes”. I forced her to go over and tell his wife what had been going on and I went round myself to throw the boot in. *I gave her the chance to come clean and tell me everything; she swore again that I knew everything.*_ *LIE #3*

_After going through phone records the next day I saw that there had also been a picture message, this time when I challenged her *she admitted that there had been two picture messages, her nude, him nude, that there’d been two kisses between them and he’d felt her up at a dinner party (while the kids were there!).*_ *YOU BELIEVE THIS, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS BEEN CAUGHT IN THREE LIES UP TO THIS POINT; OUT HERE IN CYBERSPACE, WE THINK SHE IS STILL LYING;* They were able to exchange kisses and feel her up (what are they, in grade 8?) with the kids there, but do you really believe they couldn't escape to a locked bathroom or bedroom while the kids played in the other room?; all it takes is about 10 minutes (and no, they are not in grade 8, and no, they are not likely to stop at kissing and feeling up) Out here in cyberspace, we don't know how truthful your wife has always been to you; all we see is a bunch of lies she told you, and we don't believe them; you KNOW they are lies, too, and if anyone told you the story you are telling us, you would see it exactly the same way we do; the only reason you believe your wife's lies is because your wife is the one telling them, and you are blinded by her past history with you in which you always believed her to be honest; we are not so burdened.

_She seems genuinely remorseful; *she swears there was never any physical attraction (despite what she’s admitted) and that it was only ever the thrill of the texts.* _ *LIE #4;* SHE JUST ADMITTED THEY KISSED AND GROPED, SENT SEXUAL MESSAGES, AND NUDE PICTURES, THEN SHE TELLS YOU SHE WASN'T PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM; I HAVE A BRIDGE IN BROOKLYN I WOULD LIKE TO SELL YOU! 

"The very last text in the stream, from her, was “enough talk, show me” – but *she swears that she’d never have allowed it to turn into a physical relationship*" *LIE #5* KISSING AND GROPING IS A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP; OF COURSE SHE WANTED A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP; EVERY ACTION SHE HAS TAKEN (SEXUAL TEXTS, NUDE PHOTOS, KISSING, GROPING, TEXT SAYING "ENOUGH TALK, SHOW ME") HAS BEEN WITH THE PURPOSE OF ENCOURAGING A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP…how could I believe that, should I believe it?

*A friend she confided in told her to write me a letter explaining how she felt but she didn’t do it.* 

She had an emotional affair that turned physical and she has lied to you about it; how could she write you such a letter when she hasn't told you the truth?; every cheater says "I don't know why I did it"'; when YOU do things, don't you know why you did them? Don't you think she knows why she did it? Of course she knows why she did it. She did it because it felt good and she either didn't think she would get caught or, if she did, she knew you would take her back - the same reasons they all do it.

[_B]My problem is that I’ll wake up on a morning and I still have the same feelings: “What were you thinking”, “How could you do that”, “Why did you keep lying”, “If we get into another down period what’s going to stop you doing it again”[/B]._ 

She doesn't have the courage to tell you the truth; she's afraid you will divorce her if she reveals the full truth; she is not protecting you or trying not to hurt you; she is protecting herself; as long as you are willing to accept her lies, she will continue telling them.

_*I feel deceived, cheated and taken for a fool.* You HAVE BEEN deceived, cheated, and taken for a fool Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I never, ever thought she could bring this pain into my life and that of our children. I’m let down, disappointed and angry with her and as much as I try it’s always *“why? why? why?”. *_ She knows why; we all have reasons for the things we do and we all know why we do them; she flirted with him to let him know she was available, he pursued it, she did it because she was attracted to him physically and emotionally, she was bored with you, it felt good, and she thought she would explore other options; either she didn't think she would get caught and/or she thought you would take her back even if you did catch her; you caught her before she could fully explore it; so *there is a good chance she still thinks about him quite often and either is back in contact with him or plans to get back in contact with him when this dies down*


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I managed to find her, recover the phone and found she’d been sending sexual text message to him. She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this





> she swore again that I knew everything.





> enough talk, show me





> that there’d been two kisses between them and he’d felt her up at a dinner party (while the kids were there!).


About to barf here on this side... Not only she is a lying worthless cheater, she is a monster as a mother. Poor kids... 

You my good man, need to be twice the father you are right now and dump this woman.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Trust but verify, Cheaters open their mouth to lie and cover their a$$. Only believe what you can verify.

Go for poly, many cheaters agrees to poly to bluff, when proceed with poly many confess at the gate.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

letdown said:


> She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this,


What a horrible mother!!
She swore there was nothing more _then_ you find out about the exchanged nude pictures !
How can she swear there was nothing more when she was able to lie to your face and swear on her children?? Look what a cheater is able to do! She's even able to "use" her children to make herself look honest. 



> she swears there was never any physical attraction


Just like she swore there was nothing more when you first confronted her[before you found the nude pictures]?
Can you believe her at this point???
RIDICULOUS!!!

Also, how can you exchange nude pictures and sext with someone you're not physically attracted to? 
OF COURSE there was physical/sexual attraction, otherwise this whole mess wouldn't be happening. 

She's fooling you!!! Funny how you buy it and think she's remorseful.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

letdown said:


> I feel deceived, cheated and taken for a fool. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I never, ever thought she could bring this pain into my life and that of our children. I’m let down, disappointed and angry with her and as much as I try it’s always “why? why? why?”.
> 
> For her part she’s got to the point where she’s having anxiety about where my moods going to be from one day to the next and says I need to make a decision because the pain of not knowing is hurting her too much. I want to make it work but I don’t know how when all these feelings change so rapidly.
> 
> I feel a bit better for writing it all down but I really need some perspective because I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and I can’t find a level.


Hi Sorry you are here.

Yes. the pain of all the lies and deceit is what caused me the most harm, too, when I discovered my husbands affair. 

The trickle truth also hurt.

In my case the OW also swore on her children's lives that she did not cheat when I finally contacted her husband. 

He initially believed her but that has changed.

He now knows his wife is a serial cheater and they are divorcing.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> _"After being suspicious that my wife was getting too close to a friend I challenged her, she said she’d been counselling him through marital issues and *she agreed to put distance between them.*_ *LIE #1*
> 
> _"Another dinner party later and I could see nothing had changed, the next day I asked to see her mobile phone because I’d seen her hovering over it waiting for texts. She freaked, said she wanted to kill herself and fled the house with her phone. I managed to find her, recover the phone and found she’d been sending sexual text message to him. *She swore (on our children’s lives) that it was nothing more than this"*,_ *LIE #2 *
> 
> ...


That's the way to drive that nail home Will Kane. OP has his work cut out for him. 

Offering the Poly was a bluff. She knows how to play you and guessed right that you would decline her offer. Bring it back up and tell her you have decided to take her up on it after you have arranged the details or as you are taking her to the test. Prepare yourself for fireworks.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OP, invest in a VAR. Your mastery of technology doesn't protect you from a burner phone or good old meet-up in person (don't ask me how I know).

Right now there is about 80% chance they took it underground. And I don't doubt for a second the affair was full on physical.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> That's the way to drive that nail home Will Kane. OP has his work cut out for him.
> 
> Offering the Poly was a bluff. She knows how to play you and guessed right that you would decline her offer. Bring it back up and tell her you have decided to take her up on it after you have arranged the details or as you are taking her to the test. Prepare yourself for fireworks.


I agree. Force the Poly. 

My cheater spouse initially agreed to the poly. I said no, after he agreed. 

Then later, when I received a pic of him getting a lap dance at a men's club while we were supposedly having a good Reconciliation in which he swore, no more cheating, no more porn, no more secrets, I insisted on another poly. 

Guess what? He refused. Hmmmmm!

I think he knew initially that if he offered to comply I would drop it. 

Despite people thinking that wives that are cheated on are all witches, I am really an easy going person. 

I am the middle child of a large family with lots of brothers. I am a people pleaser. 

In the months while my husband was having the affair, several of my brothers were suggesting that his behavior was suspicious and that I was too kind, understanding and gave him too much freedom.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are you listening? these replies will give you the direction you seek. You say you don't know what to do and yet all this support should be giving some great direction.

These fine folks have gone thru the same crap and have stuck around to help others...many for month if not years with hundreds of post. reading about the same obsticles and mistake the newbies make.

Please read and respond. We are giving you advise and perspective so decifer, decide, and come up with your own plan since your are closest to it. But remember we are not emotional and see it for what it is...some times it helps to have other see thru the forest for you.


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## letdown (Jul 16, 2012)

OK so I have to admit - if anything my foray into cyberspace for answers has not led me to a better place or a place where I understand the situation or can have trust in the opinion of others.

If anything I believe I've fallen in with a set of individuals who I have deep, deep sympathy with but are forcing their own veneer of hurt into a kind of metaphorical stencil over my own situation.

For my part these are the things I know:
- She made a mistake
- She was looking to replace what we had early days
- She needed a sense of self after being a mother and wife (and yes, not great at either!)
- She deeply regrets what happened
- She loves me and wants it to work

For my part
- I lifted my hand to her and that was wrong
- I'm angry and that's normal
- For nearly a month I've put her through hell (righyly so!)
- I love her and I want it to work

I can't TRUST but I can LOVE. For now, how about I go and love her, we try to recover the deeply sensual and exciting relationship we used to have and hope we get better from here. 

I understand that the people on here won't be the kind of people that managed to come through these things but the people who are working through their angst by helping others see the situation as it was with them...I do wish there was a place where those that came through the other side and moved on had an equal and opposite voice. Then again I guess those people moved on - I donlt know.

Here's where it is:

"I AM GOING TO BE THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP I AM GOING TO TAKE CONTROL AND TAKE BACK WHAT'S MINE AND HAVE A BLOODY GOOD TIME DOING IT"..."if I come back in 12 months and I'm a regular poster on here, then I think I'll have the same message as the other guys but for now I genuinely do thak you for listening but with the exception of a few I really don't take your views"


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## Amos (Jan 20, 2011)

letdown said:


> OK so I have to admit - if anything my foray into cyberspace for answers has not led me to a better place or a place where I understand the situation or can have trust in the opinion of others.
> 
> If anything I believe I've fallen in with a set of individuals who I have deep, deep sympathy with but are forcing their own veneer of hurt into a kind of metaphorical stencil over my own situation.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, with that attitude, you will be back. Until that time, enjoy being a cuckold.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're in denial, the initial stage. And how do you know the one's who are in successful R aren't advising you? Did you know the_guy is in a successful R? You simply assume. Those of us who ARE in R, would tell you the same things as those who have chosen to D. What you want to do is rug sweep.










You're yet another newly betrayed who comes on here asking for advice but then spurns the advice given when it doesn't suit you. Don't think your situation is different from anyone else's. The dynamics of affairs are pretty common in most affairs. And so are the reactions of newly betrayed like you. 

There are many people like you who eventually come back to report things have gotten worse and should have listened. Look at this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/50915-reflections-why-my-r-failed.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html

Sorry, we've seen this type of behavior before. People here have been or are in your shoes. Its the voice of experience. If your WW isn't totally in the left column, then you have no chance.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Oh well, yet another special snowflake. Too bad you'll end up in the same snow pile.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Guys,
I have to admit....
This particular woman is good!
She almost had me fooled too.
Until I read Will_Kane's post........

What is particularly disgusting though, is the OM groping her at a party *which her family , including her children were in attendance.*


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

letdown said:


> OK so I have to admit - if anything my foray into cyberspace for answers has not led me to a better place or a place where I understand the situation or can have trust in the opinion of others.
> 
> If anything I believe I've fallen in with a set of individuals who I have deep, deep sympathy with but are forcing their own veneer of hurt into a kind of metaphorical stencil over my own situation.





> I understand that the people on here won't be the kind of people that managed to come through these things but the people who are working through their angst by helping others see the situation as it was with them...I do wish there was a place where those that came through the other side and moved on had an equal and opposite voice. Then again I guess those people moved on - I donlt know.


Letdown take the advice for what it's worth. When people express frustration with a poster's views, it's most often NOT because they are embittered or convinced that the poster is a fool - it's from the genuine desire to not see them (the poster) deceive themselves and prolong the agony for any longer than necessary. It's from recognizing over & over & OVER again from a world of people posting what they are going thru, and often what they themselves went thru in some way, though every situation is different. 

I've been a lurker here for months, reading everything I can get my hands on. Hundreds of articles and numerous books from the perspective of the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse, and yes even the other person's perspective involved in the affair. I've read up on emotional affairs, physical affairs, affairs that were solely online, years long physical affairs, people that reconciled, people that didn't make it. 

One thing I learned very quickly (to my relief) was that I was not alone. I was not the only person this has happened to. 
That even though yes I was losing my mind, there WAS hope and there would be a resolution one way or another as long as I recognized that there is a script we all play out, depending on our honesty not only with ourselves, but with our partner. That honesty, as painful as it is, must be reciprocated in order for healing to truely begin. Even if it begins immediately this doesn't mean your marriage will be 'healed' quickly. The process takes time and must follow it's natural course. The harder you BOTH work at it the quicker you will get through it, I believe this. This is what some posters are trying to tell you. From the information you have posted it doesn't sound like she is trying yet, not really. She too is following her own script.

You're in shock and denial right now. This too is normal and part of the process. Be kind to yourself, read everything you can get your hands on. Do what you gotta do to get through this. You are not alone. You are not the only person this has happened to. Good things happen to bad people. And yes bad things happen to good people. You came here for a reason, you want answers to questions that make no sense to you, and you are seeking help and relief. Don't give up.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> What is particularly disgusting though, is the OM groping her at a party *which her family , including her children were in attendance.*


Let's not forget the groping was told by the WW. In other words it was much more then just groping.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Personally, I think she got drunk to have a scapegoat for her behavior. That's what my wife was trying to do before I c0ckblocked at that party we went to. She didn't have the guts to go through with it sober....(or at least didn't as far as I know.)


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

letdown said:


> OK so I have to admit - if anything my foray into cyberspace for answers has not led me to a better place or a place where I understand the situation or can have trust in the opinion of others.
> 
> If anything I believe I've fallen in with a set of individuals who I have deep, deep sympathy with but are forcing their own veneer of hurt into a kind of metaphorical stencil over my own situation.
> 
> ...


Listen up my friend 

There's a reason you came here and put up your story. What was that? In your heart you know where this is likely to be going

People on here are not giving it the "great someone else has had it as bad a I did at least I'm not alone"
and hoping yours is the worst of all

No, we have suffered at the hands of cheating lying deceitful, dishonest, calculating, hurtful people and have come here to offer our story in the hope that others, like yourself, can see maybe some of the shortcuts that are there to stop the suffering. 

I'd rather you looked at some of these stories and realized that there is a pattern to cheaters and from the hundreds of threads Ive seen on here they rarely stray from that pattern. I feel you can already see that your WW is beginning to fit that pattern and obviously the conclusions are drawn 

We have all to a man and woman been where you are - praying that your biggest fears are not materializing unraveling before your very eyes. You may be the exception letdown but I for one would not put any money on it.

She's already started trickling you with the photos and as one who has experienced a whole serial cheating history of "it was only a kiss" I can tell you now that that is absolute B****ks. I'd love to be wrong about that. 

I hope you're right with your wants but I doubt it

Why not keep us informed.

It would actually be brilliant to see that something that started as yours has goes completely into a successful reconciliation :smthumbup:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Love is not enough. A happy and healthy marriage needs love, trust and respect in equal measure. If one of these is missing, the marriage is terminally ill and it is only a matter of time before it dies. I wish you luck, you're going to need it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

letdown:

I am a BS. I lurked on the reconciliations board for months and only occasionally peeked at this one. 

Then when the R was disclosed to be false, I came here for advise and listened. 

Not everyone here, even me or other BS's, has advised that an R seems likely to fail. 

I have commented many times on those that seem real and the BS seem to be awake and alert to the facts. 

Some others seem to be in total denial and it just reeks from their posts. 

I am not sure that you are in total denial, more like shock. Still there are red flags with your wife's behavior that you need to be alert to.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> *Personally, I think she got drunk to have a scapegoat for her behavior*. That's what my wife was trying to do before I c0ckblocked at that party we went to. She didn't have the guts to go through with it sober....(or at least didn't as far as I know.)




:iagree:

Seems to me that this is the most tired,worn out, obnoxious excuse used by wayward spouses.
Same as saying " blame it on the rain..."


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