# How to act?



## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Hiya,

We have been sperated for about 7 weeks, after been married for all of 4 months and 9 years togeather all I got was the ILYBINILWY speach.

We havent had contact for the last two weeks, I figured that I need to give the 180 a go and also make her miss me. I recieved a email asking if she could come over and collect more of her stuff. 

Long story short we have agreed to meet after and talk about selling our home.

I really want her back and miss her so much but I dont know how to handle this or how to act.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Is she telling you that you married to soon or that it was a mistake? Anything about how you had a better relationship before but now....?


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

She is only tells me that she doesn't regret getting married and that she is sorry it ended like it did, she wishes it hadn't but she wasn't happy and had to do something about it. I dont think that much changed, all I can think is that we just didn't do as much as we used too but I have been working for a new home. She is pushing that she is not comming back and continues to party.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Keep your cool. Don't show emotion first. Let her make the contact/start conversation. Don't come off as needy or clingy.

AGREE with her, whatever she says about the problems. Seriously. Do this. Just say, "You're right." Because if you defend yourself, she'll get defensive. If you agree with her, she'll defend you. 

It's all psychology. Seriously.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Thank you That Girl,

I totally agree, really hard to do though!

I really don't think she will talk about the problems though, sounds like just down to business with selling. 
But like you said it's all psychology we could of done all of that on the phone?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hard to do, yes, but SO IMPORTANT!

When you feel emotional, just breathe. Breathe and think about the LONG RUN...the outcome you WANT. Dont' think about now.

And believe nothing of what she says...especially absolutes. "Never" and "always" are not true. Just be calm.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Thank you, it really does help.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

They are right. Telling her how perfect she is or how you would fix anything that was wrong did zilch for me. I am fully convinced that 180 is the only shot any of us have. Its worth it.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Hi sd212,

I am doing my best with the 180, joined a gym I play football, still cant shake all the bull**** though.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Wilberforce said:


> Hi sd212,
> 
> I am doing my best with the 180, joined a gym I play football, still cant shake all the bull**** though.


So here's the thing. I didn't do 180 (b/c I had never heard of such a thing) and when I did, it was too late. Well, maybe I got a new beginning today if you saw my other thread. 
BUT: After you spend hours and hours reading this stuff you're going to realize that if you didn't try it, you'll always wonder if it would've worked. 

I've only seen maybe 2 examples where doing what comes naturally did the individual or the reconciliation any good. 

This is just my opinion of course but, DO IT MAN!
IE, when she wanted to come pick up some things, I would've just said "sure, I've got some stuff going on. Text me when you're done. " 

Again, it is SO not what makes sense to your heart but the people on here have wisdom that you and I can't have at this point. Love her and respect her but show her 180.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's never too late to do 180. It's for YOU to get distance and heal.

The side effect is that your mate starts going "wtf?"


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It's never too late to do 180. It's for YOU to get distance and heal.
> 
> The side effect is that your mate starts going "wtf?"


lol I like that, but I really don't think she cares!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's because she sees you so pathetically trying to cling to her...and acting like a big girl.

Trust me. Women don't like that clingy, whiny guy. They do, however, wonder "wtf" when that guy just acts distant and 'whatever' about the situation. Don't return texts for 2 hours. Don't answer phone calls...let her leave a message. Don't accept a get together/meeting with the first offer. YOU HAVE PLANS. even if you don't--- YOU HAVE PLANS. Schedule for another time. DO NOT divulge your plans to her. That's her problem and her loss for leaving.

The 180 part of it all is to get awesome again-- FOR YOU. And to show your mate that your world doesn't end just because your relationship did.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was me, I would act like the best thing that ever happen to me was when she left.
Don't over do it but a perception of confidence and comfortableness that you can moving on and shes not gotten the better of you.

My thinking is a additude of positve emotion that reflects the better you, a man that will be better off.

In what I mean is when the 'can we be friends' comes up and/ or " you look like your moving on" thing is mentioned, you throw it back at her and inform her that she caused alot of pain and until she wants more then a friendship then it will be best to move on.

Emotionaly you need to distance your self, and create a wall that will protect these emotions. So please as hard as it is, show the indifference that is needed to show her you will no longer be around when ever she is ready.

The last thing you want is her walking away from this meeting and telling her self "same old Wiberforce". What I am say is having her walk away from the meeting telling her self "I'm I doing the right thing". In order to get this second guessing from her you need to show her a differner Wilberforce, a man that will beat this crap that life has dealt him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Smile, agree, be distant and yes, act like she did you a favor.

Come on now....you can do this. AND DO NOT TELL HER YOU'RE DOING THIS.

lol


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, it has helped me think more clearly. I just had vision's of me walking out half way through. 

I see what I have to do.

Thank you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get the stregth and prepare your self. She will push the bottons that will get a reaction from you that will make her feel better for hurting you....just be prepared for it.

Just disengage, show an indifference and prepare your self to be managed like she has before. But the new Wilberforce has a new skin that will protect him from her and its called TAM...LOL

As long as you keep your guard up and prevent her from trying to justify her leaving you , then you will be fine. Just smile and acknowledge her choices by informing her you now need to protect your self from further pain.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh she'll try everything to get the reaction she wants from you. Tears, words, anger, etc. DON'T BUY INTO IT.

Just keep emotional distance and agree with her emotions. Agree with what she thinks of you and the relationship. 

lol You'll see how she reacts and you'll like it and you'll keep it up. Dn't lose your balls again!! Get used to them being ON your body.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
In addition, with any further convos, a simple acknowledgement of her statements, and a confirmation that you may not agree with them but understand them will go along way.

Now is not the time to act like your self, but to muster up the ego that will throw your STBXW off guard when she comes by to pick up her stuff.

Again for your own emotional protection make sure she has everything. This just might be a case of her "fishing".


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks all,

I have decided to get out of the house while she takes the rest of her stuff, she will back this evening.

Thanks for all the comments i'll try and put them to work.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Well, most of her stuff is gone but not all of it! I got some c*** about she couldn't take it all.

I saw her tonight and we chatted like normal, took the advice and let her go first, we were soon laughing and chatting as friends !?!

She was obviously upset and tried grilling me on what I have been doing, told me one of friends fancies me wtf? Anyway she asks if she can leave the last of her stuff till another time. We didn't talk about the seperation or divorce.

All comments would be appreciated.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank god you didn't come back and tell us how much you cried and begged for her....

So with that said, you did a fine job sir.

Interesting to see how she tried relieving her own guilt by a "piece" offering! BTW do not except it.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks the_guy,

But why wouldn't she take all of her stuff?


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

....don't read too much into her leaving her stuff. I went down this path, she still had her keys to the place, so much of her stuff is still here...the moving out process seems to have stopped, maybe she's rethinking.

She wasn't, just convenience. 2 and a half months on I'm still watering all her plants that are still here. But only 'cos I don't want to look at them dead....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Laughing and joking huh? Sounds like you both are well on towards being just friends, which is what she wants, so she won't feel as guilty for dumping you. Good work.


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## Wilberforce (Feb 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Laughing and joking huh? Sounds like you both are well on towards being just friends, which is what she wants, so she won't feel as guilty for dumping you. Good work.


Yeah I see how stupid it was but a nervous reaction I guess, it was the only thing keeping from doing anything irrational.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

sd212 said:


> So here's the thing. I didn't do 180 (b/c I had never heard of such a thing) and when I did, it was too late. Well, maybe I got a new beginning today if you saw my other thread.
> BUT: After you spend hours and hours reading this stuff you're going to realize that if you didn't try it, you'll always wonder if it would've worked.
> 
> I've only seen maybe 2 examples where doing what comes naturally did the individual or the reconciliation any good.
> ...


So, from what I understand, and can apply to my situation, my 180 would be:

--no initiating phone calls/texts/emails after schedules have been made and agreed upon.

--no small talk about anything other than our children.

--no joint family time (her days with them are hers, mine are mine).

This would be so difficult to do. And yes, while I do all to varying degrees (except the 2nd), doing all of this consistently, would spark her interest in how I am acting totally opposite of how my usual reaction would be.

If I did do this, I would be faking how I feel about her (acting non-interested)

And, despite my physical changes, which has been noticed by several different people, she would be interested in my changes.

Or, would it piss her off, that I abruptly changed and went cold, causing friction between us and the children? Or, would she feel relief that I "got over her" and then could move on herself even faster?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't call her.

She doesn't want all her stuff because now she has a reason to come back over.

DO NOT LET HER come over on her schedule. Let her ask, say you're busy...plan again. lol.

i'll write more later....hubs here


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No more joking and laughing. Pretend you are an IRS agent when you are around her. Treat her like a stranger you are giving directions to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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