# Married But Feel Like I'm Living The Single Life



## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Have been married for 4 years this past December. This is my first marriage, DH second. I waited to get married later on in life (late 30's) and we do not have any children. Being very independent, since marraige that has slowly dwindled. I am unemployed and actively looking. I was let go just before Christmas and was taken for a loop. 

When we got married, he lived and worked about an hour away. We decided that since he lived in an apartment and I had my own home (townhouse), he would relocate here. With that said, I told him in the meantime, we can get the townhome ready for sale so we can move closer to where he works. His family is also about 15 mins. from his place of employment. Both my parents passed of cancer while I was young and I have one sister and a niece that lives down here close to me. I have no problem keeping this arrangement with moving since he has been with his employer going on 15 years.

Problem here is that I do not get along with his family very well (particularly SIL and FIL). His 48 yo sister has never lived on her own and lives with the parents as well as a 40 yo mentally challenged brother (who works). The sister works from home and can be considered a blessing in diguise since his mother is ill and his father is in the hospital recovering from a near fatal pedestrian accident. Even before sickness hit his family, they have always been very selfish and have a knack of making DH feel guilty. It is now 10x worse with what has happened with his father (both parents in early 70's). Before illness set in, his family refuses to make the trip down here to our place. They come up with silly excuses and of course, DH sticks up for them saying the ride is to long, etc. yet they can travel 3 hours to the shore for a vacation :scratchhead:

Maybe I am putting TMI in one post here but I wanted you guys to get a feel of whats going on and give you some background. I am not in anyway selfish and leave DH to do what he has to do. At this point since his DF was in the accident, he stays down at this parent house 2 nights a week and goes straight to work from there. Everytime I call on the phone and talk to him or his mother, they are all laughing and having a good time, talking about how DH fixed this or that, etc. Ok, but what about our home that he left in shambles half done since *"HE"* was concerned about wanting to live closer to where he works? He is a totally different person here at home. He is quiet, falls asleep in the recliner at 8:30pm cause he works a 10 hr day and there has been no intimacy between us for 2 months. When I call him down at his parents, he is up until 11:30pm, still working a 10 hr day, always fixing something and having a good time. 

This is why I titled this post "Married But Feel Like I'm Living The Single Life". If there is any spouse out there that feels that they will not settle being #2, then *NEVER* get married! You will always be #2 to family. At this point, I believe DH thinks his only obligation is to make sure he is bringing home the bacon while I am his personal secretary, bill payor, dog walker, insurance agent, maid, cook, etc. It's hard to want to be there for him when he is not being there for me in the most simplest form(s).

Again, sorry for the loooong post but wanted to make sure you got most of the background. Any thoughts/comments are appreciated.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

When he's home you two need to sit down and talk about this. Preferably before 8:30PM. He should know you feel that your needs are being neglected to a great extent. 

My DH comes from a big family. He also is pretty close with them, but in the 11 years we've been married, I have not been made to feel that I'm less of a priority to him than they are. It's a balance for sure. Your husband maybe doesn't know how to balance a wife and his family and the demands on his time while also having time to himself (which it sounds like he has little of). If he keeps this up, he'll burn himself out.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You offered initially to move closer to his work, maybe you need to bring that up again? Is it still an option?

If he is just staying there 2 nights a week to help out while his Dad is recovering, that sounds like it has a time limit on the arrangement. Once his Dad is recovered, will he stop doing this?

The fact is that things must be full on for him there. There's more people to interact with for a start. It tires him out and he comes home and relaxes. I can see that this is neglecting you though. You have needs too. As for looking after the place, I suggest thinking about getting a handyman or whoever you need to get things fixed while this arrangement with his family is going on. He's just not going to be interested in dealing with two homes.

There's a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs', which you could read and ask him to read. It might make him realise that marriage is not something you can walk into then leave it to run on autopilot. Both partners need to actively participate to keep it strong.

Don't leave things for too long before you have a serious (that doesn't mean fight or be aggressive, just honest) talk about how you are feeling. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

breeze said:


> You offered initially to move closer to his work, maybe you need to bring that up again? Is it still an option?
> 
> If he is just staying there 2 nights a week to help out while his Dad is recovering, that sounds like it has a time limit on the arrangement. Once his Dad is recovered, will he stop doing this?
> 
> ...


He is well aware of our original agreement and reminds me all the time. He is getting older and the ride back and forth to work is getting to him. At the same time, he does understand that #1 we cannot move while I am unemployed and #2 it's impossible for him to get things done around here while his father is in recovery. His father will be in the hospital for months and then afterwards, rehab. So we are talking more than a years worth of chaos.

The original arrangement before his father got hurt was that he visited his family every-other weekend. This way one weekend he was home here to work on the house, be with me, etc. That has now gone out the window and the arrangement that is now in force will be going on for a looooong time. Also remember that I do not get along with FIL and SIL. They know I have an older car and do not trust it driving that far but yet they throw it in my face and always say "your always welcome to come down" knowing that I cannot and DH says nothing. Yet when I tell his family "they can always come down here to give their son a break", DH has no problem correcting me telling me that it's to far and to let it go and stop bringing it up. issed:

A handyman is out of the question and again, it goes back to only having one income at this time.

Trying to get DH to read anything is like trying to beat a dead horse. Plus with all that is going on, that will be the last thiing on his mind. Or he will call me selfish to even think about myself in the situation at hand. Working 10 hrs a day and having an hour ride home allows him just enough time to wipe his butt let alone read...or have any of my needs met (which are not).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Why did his first marriage end, and how do you know?

You will get nowhere fast if you keep a stiff upper lip and keep your feelings bottled up. They'll come out anyway, sooner or later. You need to have an honest talk. This isn't working for you. It cannot continue. Listen to what he says, allow him to be clear. Try not to be defensive, try to be aware if he is being defensive. That doesn't help, and you'll get nowhere. Talk it out. You need to get on the same page, one that works for you both.

In the meantime focus on what you can control. Job hunting. Are there things you can do at the house. Do you have the repairs listed out? Have a budget? A rough timeline?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> Why did his first marriage end, and how do you know?
> 
> You will get nowhere fast if you keep a stiff upper lip and keep your feelings bottled up. They'll come out anyway, sooner or later. You need to have an honest talk. This isn't working for you. It cannot continue. Listen to what he says, allow him to be clear. Try not to be defensive, try to be aware if he is being defensive. That doesn't help, and you'll get nowhere. Talk it out. You need to get on the same page, one that works for you both.
> 
> In the meantime focus on what you can control. Job hunting. Are there things you can do at the house. Do you have the repairs listed out? Have a budget? A rough timeline?


His first marriage ended when his ex got caught stealing from her employer. After that, she decided to not even try to get a job. This led to him working 2 jobs while she became a shop-a-holic. Fedex and UPS coming to the house 2-3 times a week. He couldn't take it anymore and he filed for divorce.

We tried to have a talk when he got home last night. I told him what was bothering me and he just went off. He said that the last thing I should be thinking about is myself, that his family comes first with what is going on with his father and nothing I can say will change that. Also that it's not gonna kill me that he is not here, etc, etc. I told him thats not the issue, for I am not complaining about that. I told him that he cannot just drop everything here and be seen as his family's "savior". He walked away and never responded to me after that.

You mention a budget and timeline. Budget is not an issue. We have enough in the savings that with what has to be done can be done...it's just not "getting" done. And the budget is not for us to contract the work out. He is dong it himself. Timeline? The home was suppose to be on the market this spring. Definitly not going to happen. This, however, does not concern me anymore. Why? Because this was an agreement we made to help "him" with his long commute back and forth to work. His lack of keeping up with what has to be done here to make the move happen is all on him.

Please note that his lack of meeting the original timeline to get the house on the market has thrown a wrench in my employment search. So, do I look for a job near where we live now? Or do I look for a job more towards where we are going to move in the future? What if that move doesn't take place for another 3-4 years? Then we are both driving over an hour back and forth to work until he decides that his "family" should not have an influence on our own agenda and personal life decisions?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

STORMCHASER said:


> He is getting older and the ride back and forth to work is getting to him. At the same time, he does understand that #1 we cannot move while I am unemployed and #2 it's impossible for him to get things done around here while his father is in recovery.



:scratchhead: So why can't YOU get these things done and get your house ready for sale?

This is 2014. Women are allowed to repair things now. 

OK, I agree that it is wrong that he's putting his family's needs ahead of you. However, even if his family was out of the picture, he's still working a full time job and commuting an hour to work!! Yet you are unemployed. *Therefore, you have the free time to get your house fixed and ready for sale, not him.*


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If he refuses to work on the marriage then you have grounds to divorce him. You are in a one sided marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Theseus said:


> :scratchhead: So why can't YOU get these things done and get your house ready for sale?
> 
> This is 2014. Women are allowed to repair things now.
> 
> OK, I agree that it is wrong that he's putting his family's needs ahead of you. However, even if his family was out of the picture, he's still working a full time job and commuting an hour to work!! Yet you are unemployed. *Therefore, you have the free time to get your house fixed and ready for sale, not him.*


I totally agree with you but you tell him that! I've done everything that I can do (painting, picking out fixtures, electrical, etc). Stuff that has to be done includes plumbing and new flooring which I cannot do.

I'm also a little surprised that you said it is wrong that he is putting his family's needs ahead of mine. I have never met a man with that mentality. If he had to choose between me and his family, I'd have no chance. Guess I was just brought up that way or I have always heard that.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

STORMCHASER said:


> I totally agree with you but you tell him that! I've done everything that I can do (painting, picking out fixtures, electrical, etc). Stuff that has to be done includes plumbing and new flooring which I cannot do.
> 
> I'm also a little surprised that you said it is wrong that he is putting his family's needs ahead of mine. I have never met a man with that mentality. If he had to choose between me and his family, I'd have no chance. Guess I was just brought up that way or I have always heard that.


Most people I know have that mentality. All my family do I think. Once you are married, you have a new family, your wife and your kids (if you have them), and it's your new family that comes first. Problem is, he has very sick parents who need him, and he just wants you to deal with your own stuff and leave him to do what he has to do. 

Don't get angry at this, but from my point of view, he's right about the fact that you should stop expecting them to visit you. They are the ones who are sick, in hospital etc. Seems a bit selfish to expect the sick and injured people to visit the perfectly healthy people just because you don't like them. Sounds like you are being completely unsympathetic and just looking for an excuse not to see them at all. Fair enough, if you don't like them, don't visit, but don't turn it around and try to make it their fault.

One thing that seems to me that you are struggling with is having your own life at the moment. You haven't found work, you can't afford to have someone fix your house, you have a husband who is being completely worn down by everyone expecting him to be the 'fix-it' man.

Maybe instead of waiting for him to start seeing you as his number one priority, you need to just take charge of your own life, your own house. If he wants you to live as if he wasn't supposed to be a big part of it, maybe you should give him exactly what he wants.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

breeze said:


> Don't get angry at this, but from my point of view, he's right about the fact that you should stop expecting them to visit you. They are the ones who are sick, in hospital etc. Seems a bit selfish to expect the sick and injured people to visit the perfectly healthy people just because you don't like them. Sounds like you are being completely unsympathetic and just looking for an excuse not to see them at all. Fair enough, if you don't like them, don't visit, but don't turn it around and try to make it their fault.
> 
> 
> > I'm sorry if it seems that way, for I do not want it to. I am anything but unsympathetic. If you read my OP, I mention "BEFORE ILLNESS, they came up with silly excuses and how DH defended them when they say it is to far (an hour) to come down but it's "not" to far to drive over 3 hours to go to the beach on a vacation. MIL has been ill for over 10 years and every year they make the 3 hour trip to their summer home. I am just stating facts. At this point, I would absolutely not expect them to come down here with his father's situation. Would I like to see them come down once his father recovers? Yes I would and is doable with a SIL & BIL who are healthy (just spoiled and lazy).
> ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

They don't make him feel anything. He chooses to feel that way. If you continue to try come between him and his family, you are going to only succeed in driving a rift between you and him, as you have already acknowledged. You knew this when you married I have to assume, and at some point elderly parents get more elderly and need a lot of assistance. One day, they won't be around at all. You either need to accept that you will not be his no.1 priority whenever his family have any need of him, or find some way to distract yourself. I think if you push him to put you first right now, you'll push him out the door.

Note, I wouldn't like this either, but at some point you have to realise you made the choice to marry someone like that, and changing him isn't possible.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

breeze said:


> They don't make him feel anything. He chooses to feel that way. If you continue to try come between him and his family, you are going to only succeed in driving a rift between you and him, as you have already acknowledged. You knew this when you married I have to assume, and at some point elderly parents get more elderly and need a lot of assistance. One day, they won't be around at all. You either need to accept that you will not be his no.1 priority whenever his family have any need of him, or find some way to distract yourself. I think if you push him to put you first right now, you'll push him out the door.
> 
> Note, I wouldn't like this either, but at some point you have to realise you made the choice to marry someone like that, and changing him isn't possible.


Thanks for the insight and I always knew that if it was me or the family, I would lose. This is why I am not getting in the way and he does what he has to do. When we got married, he was not in contact with his family for over 5 years. There was some sort of fall-out that occurred with his divorce. I was the one who encouraged him to try to make ammends and he did. With that said, his interaction with his family is all new to me.

I have a job interview on Monday. If I get the job it will include some travel. If he doesn't agree then he will have to deal with it. Like you said earlier, its about time I take charge of my own life if right now I cannot been seen as a priority in his. Thank goodness we do not have any kids but he will have to deal with finding a way of taking care of the dog while I am out of town if I get the job. He has to have at least some sort of responsibility here at home, for he will just have to find a way to work it out.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I like that you seem to get that your attitude is your choice now, and you can make your life better through your own actions. That's a great start.

I also like that you had a talk. It wasn't perfect, but it is a start. Did you share with him the insights about the consequences of not getting the house ready for sale? Things could be much easier if it became a priority, and you could live and work closer to where he feels needed.

It might help to explain to him how communication actually works, because he probably doesn't really know. His first marriage fell apart because they couldn't get on the same wavelength. The same will happen here. It's ok for feelings to come up, its natural to feel pulled in different directions and not to ne able to do everything, but there are two of you in this marriage. You both have wants and needs, and they have to be addressed, and that's ok. It isn't ok to get defensive, lash out, and walk away. That solves nothing. That creates more problems. Bigger problems. It is the time for you to think of yourself, because no one else in the situation is, are they? You aren't asking for him to abandon his family. You're asking for reasonable compromise. Remember that.

In regards to the plumbing and the flooring, what kind of projects are we talking about? You would be amazed at how easy to use a lot of products are these days.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> In regards to the plumbing and the flooring, what kind of projects are we talking about? You would be amazed at how easy to use a lot of products are these days.


I would not feel comfortable ripping up a bathroom floor, subfloor, plumbing and replacing a vanity, etc. Yes, it can be done and I have done it before but my knees are not that good anymore. Plus if I did anything incorrect, I would never hear the end of it so in the long run, I am saving myself from alot of grief! He also knows (and I have reminded him) that there is no way the house is going to be ready for sale this spring. When we got married, it was a priority that this "moving closer to where he works" agreement was made. I made it, have no problem with it and now it is up to him to make it happen. I have done what I can and the rest is in his hands...family crisis or no family crisis.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

STORMCHASER said:


> I would not feel comfortable ripping up a bathroom floor, subfloor, plumbing and replacing a vanity, etc. Yes, it can be done and I have done it before but my knees are not that good anymore. Plus if I did anything incorrect, I would never hear the end of it so in the long run, I am saving myself from alot of grief!




Then it sounds like it's time to hire someone to do these jobs for you. It sounds like your house needs major work, and you can't expect your husband to do it when he is already working full time, doing a one hour commute, and taking care of relatives. That's just not realistic. Yes, he shouldn't have agreed to it then, but that doesn't change the fact that his time is very limited now. 

If you can't afford to hire someone else, is your house mortgaged? Maybe you can take out a home improvement loan and add it to your mortgage.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Then it sounds like it's time to hire someone to do these jobs for you. It sounds like your house needs major work, and you can't expect your husband to do it when he is already working full time, doing a one hour commute, and taking care of relatives. That's just not realistic. Yes, he shouldn't have agreed to it then, but that doesn't change the fact that his time is very limited now.


You are preachin' to the choir..lol! Major work to me is what you see on these home improvement and property overhaul shows. The home is an older townhome and it needs mostly cosmetic work (inside) other than the 1/2 bath downstairs. We had another discussion last night but mostly about the home improvements, etc. He will not hire someone to help out and that is not financially possible with me still not being employed (hoping that changes soon). As far as being unrealistic, that is all on him. He is putting that pressure on himself. I reminded him about a week ago and I'm not going to again. The agreement I made with him to sell the house was to help him out with his commute. If it doesn't happen right away, I could care less! I grew up around here and it is a large sacrifice I am willing to make. The only family I have left is my sister and niece and I am moving farther away from them. The agreement and promise I made to him will not change but the timeline on when it happens is on him.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Theseus said:


> ...and you can't expect your husband to do it when he is already working full time, doing a one hour commute, and taking care of relatives. That's just not realistic.


I do not recall ever saying during this thread that I expect him to get everything done. His mother, lazy-a** sister and brother expect him to be superman. He also has an older brother that only lives 20 minutes away who is married with 2 younger kids and does not help out at all. They have totally erased him and is considered dead to them (typical Italian family).

At this point, his family could care less that DH is married and they think that just because we do not have any children, we have all the time in the world to concentrate on their lives and not live our own. Yes, I can see where they are distraught about this family tragedy and what has happened to his father but illness is not foreign to them. His mother has been ill for over a decade dealing with different cancers and being in and out of remission. If the brother and sister decide to live under the same roof as mom & dad, then there are responsbilities that are expected of them. Do it and stop biotching about it already...sheesh! Do not push unrealistic responsibilities on your brother and wife (me) just because you two decide to be single and live with mommy & daddy. Grow the hell up!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Well, DH left for work this morning and will be staying at his parents for the next 2 days and coming home late Saturday night. In the meantime I am trying to get myself together and still looking for employment. It gets depressing at times but worrying about it isn't going to get me anywhere. 

Last night DH asked me when I was going to see his family and his dad in the hospital again. I traveled there 2 Saturdays ago feeling very uncomfortable due to the fact that my SUV is 16 yrs old. I rarely drive it far but I did drive it over an hour to visit them that day. I also brought food to cook them dinner. Anyway, my answer to him was "I do not know". He knows the pain and suffering I went through with watching both my parents die of cancer but yet expects me to be fine seeing his father in this condition with no effect on me whatsoever. I have feelings and demons that I do not wish to come lurking back again. I told him that if the table was turned, I would not expect him to do something he was not comfortable with. He told me that no, he would do it out of respect. This has nothing to do with respect. If he cannot accept my decision not to go down there then I do not know what to do. Then he will start calling me selfish, say I do not want to have anything to do with his family and might even cause a huge arguement.

It sees endless with the drama that comes along with all this. I am not use to it. Even when my parents were ill, we did not have all this drama and yelling and who is doing what for whom, etc. It's a soap opera and it's just the beginning....HELP!!!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I havent received any input since my last post so I guess it is a lost cause.

Nothing has changed and I am sad to say that the job I was holding onto did not pan-out. I have applied and sent out a total of over 80 resume's and applications online in 11 weeks time. Out of all of them, I was called for 3 interviews. DH is now on me changing the "blame" now on me to rectify why we cannot move. It has changed from him not being around to get the house done to it being 100% that I am not working.

The daily grind in not worth it anymore. I cannot compete with his family so I have given-in to being #2 or even #3 at this point and time. I see him maybe a total of 20 waking hours a week. He leaves for work at 4:30am and gets home around 7pm. He comes home, eats, showers, sits in the recliner and is out in about an hour. We have no life!! We never eat dinner together with the exception of on a rare Sunday because he gets home so late. He goes to work on Thursdays and does not come back home until 10-11pm on Saturdays to stay with his family due to his father's accident. I have been trying so, so hard to get it together and concentrate on the job hunt, going out with friends, doing what makes me happy, etc. but it is not easy.

Lately, I have been going to bed really late and waking up late as well. It has become an obsession of mine to turn on the computer before doing anything else and checking my email for possible job opportunities, making phone calls, going to the library checking the classified inside the many local newspapers, etc. I then come home and do nothing all day. There are more doors being shut without any windows being opened.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sorry to hear that things aren't going so well for you Storm. I cross my fingers for you to catch a break regarding finding a job. It must be really hard on you at the moment. I know when I don't see DH for long stretches I start to feel rather despondent. It's a shame he's not there for you right now in the ways that really count.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Theseus said:


> :scratchhead: So why can't YOU get these things done and get your house ready for sale?
> 
> This is 2014. Women are allowed to repair things now.
> 
> OK, I agree that it is wrong that he's putting his family's needs ahead of you. However, even if his family was out of the picture, he's still working a full time job and commuting an hour to work!! Yet you are unemployed. *Therefore, you have the free time to get your house fixed and ready for sale, not him.*


I have to agree here.

Also, OP needs to talk to her husband about lack of intimacy. I'm also curious what OP has done to initiate intimacy on her part.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

DoF said:


> I have to agree here.
> 
> Also, OP needs to talk to her husband about lack of intimacy. I'm also curious what OP has done to initiate intimacy on her part.


Have I tried to initiate? Yes. Also, there are many types of intimacy. As far as intercourse and sex or do you mean an intimate moment between two people such as relaxing watching a movie, holding hands, making out, etc? All of the above is non-existant. Although we have not been married that long, I know my DH. I have tried to no avail and with the stress and situation(s) at hand, there is no interest on his part. With him being pulled in so many directions, woking all these hours and trying to be superman, he still has responsibilities at home. To his wife and "our" life in general. I have mentioned this to him and still, I am #2 or #3 compared to what is going on with the terrible incident regarding his father.

I'm tired of sounding like a tape recorder. I gave up. He has to do what he has to do and so must I. He knows I am unhappy and I am definitly *NOT* being unrealistic. I am not saying he cannot see his parents, visit his father, etc. Anything that takes him away from his duties of being the "good son" he sees as something that is not important and puts on the back burner. Well if he continues to put me and this marriage on the back-burner and it's turned on high, it is going to boil over!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

And there's nothing wrong with that. You've been clear with him, he is responsible for what he does or does not do with the information you give him. He is making choices, you will make yours. Just don't start another relationship before this one is done.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> And there's nothing wrong with that. You've been clear with him, he is responsible for what he does or does not do with the information you give him. He is making choices, you will make yours. Just don't start another relationship before this one is done.


I would never think of doing such a thing. I have priorities and yes, one of them is being happy but not to the extent of adding insult to injury. I keep buzy by searching for employment and talking to friends and family. The days/nights he is not here I am out with friends (both male and female) and he knows this, for one thing we *"DO"* have going for us is that we are honest with each other. I do not need to be putting extra stress on myself by mixing in little white lies. I need to be true to myself and take over doing what makes me happy..with or without him and unfortunately, it is the latter


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Fair enough. I just wanted to point out, you're in a terrible sort of situation. I'd think many people who wind up in affairs would have said "No, that's not me, I would never do that." The mind can be a tricky thing, if you let it. Just be aware, and remember your core values as you go. Don't lie to yourself, or to him, and you'll come out of this alright.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> Fair enough. I just wanted to point out, you're in a terrible sort of situation. I'd think many people who wind up in affairs would have said "No, that's not me, I would never do that." The mind can be a tricky thing, if you let it. Just be aware, and remember your core values as you go. Don't lie to yourself, or to him, and you'll come out of this alright.


Yes I can fully understand that. I think my morals and values are being tested as we speak, for a male friend I have not seen in over 20 years popped-up when I ran into him at the local market. It is hard when ya have someone who wants to talk to you and makes you feel like a person -vs- feeling like your a statue in the corner of the living room


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

STORMCHASER said:


> Have been married for 4 years this past December. This is my first marriage, DH second. I waited to get married later on in life (late 30's) and we do not have any children. Being very independent, since marraige that has slowly dwindled. *I am unemployed and actively looking*. I was let go just before Christmas and was taken for a loop.




Address this, quickly. Looking for a job is an 8 hour job!!!

Does he contribute financially?



STORMCHASER said:


> When we got married, he lived and worked about an hour away. We decided that since he lived in an apartment and I had my own home (townhouse), he would relocate here. With that said, I told him in the meantime, we can get the townhome ready for sale so we can move closer to where he works. His family is also about 15 mins. from his place of employment. Both my parents passed of cancer while I was young and I have one sister and a niece that lives down here close to me. I have no problem keeping this arrangement with moving since he has been with his employer going on 15 years.


Remind him of this. You are making an effort and willing to compromise.....GREATLY. 



STORMCHASER said:


> Problem here is that I do not get along with his family very well (particularly SIL and FIL). His 48 yo sister has never lived on her own and lives with the parents as well as a 40 yo mentally challenged brother (who works). The sister works from home and can be considered a blessing in diguise since his mother is ill and his father is in the hospital recovering from a near fatal pedestrian accident. Even before sickness hit his family, they have always been very selfish and have a knack of making DH feel guilty. It is now 10x worse with what has happened with his father (both parents in early 70's). Before illness set in, his family refuses to make the trip down here to our place. They come up with silly excuses and of course, DH sticks up for them saying the ride is to long, etc. yet they can travel 3 hours to the shore for a vacation :scratchhead:
> 
> Maybe I am putting TMI in one post here but I wanted you guys to get a feel of whats going on and give you some background. I am not in anyway selfish and leave DH to do what he has to do. At this point since his DF was in the accident, he stays down at this parent house 2 nights a week and goes straight to work from there. Everytime I call on the phone and talk to him or his mother, they are all laughing and having a good time, talking about how DH fixed this or that, etc. Ok, but what about our home that he left in shambles half done since *"HE"* was concerned about wanting to live closer to where he works? He is a totally different person here at home. He is quiet, falls asleep in the recliner at 8:30pm cause he works a 10 hr day and there has been *no intimacy between us for 2 months*. When I call him down at his parents, he is up until 11:30pm, still working a 10 hr day, always fixing something and having a good time.


In bold is a HUGE concern for you. Address it.

Some of this is rather childish of your husband's family. 

But, what kind of an effort have you put in to meet them and be there/hang out etc? Do you guys spend birthdays/holidays together at least? I would be interested to see what he is like around them etc (based on what you said).....you will see REAL him there hehe

It seems to me there is some kind of resentment for his family? :scratchhead: Any idea what that might be exactly?



STORMCHASER said:


> This is why I titled this post "Married But Feel Like I'm Living The Single Life".


You kind of are living a single life (to an extent). Your husband is not intimate and distant at times. What do you guys do together?

What have you done lately to try to be closer to him? Does he show you any affection? 

I'm wondering how has this marriage even begin to exist? How long have you 2 been together prior to marriage?

Were you ever close to his family?



STORMCHASER said:


> If there is any spouse out there that feels that they will not settle being #2, then *NEVER* get married! You will always be #2 to family. At this point, I believe DH thinks his only obligation is to make sure he is bringing home the bacon while I am his personal secretary, bill payor, dog walker, insurance agent, maid, cook, etc. It's hard to want to be there for him when he is not being there for me in the most simplest form(s).


You shouldn't be #2 IMO. 

Have you talked to him about all of this, in a serious manner?

My wife comes before my children.....mother.....father or anyone else on this planet....but I'm pretty sure everyone here can relate to some of your "in law drama" hehe


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

STORMCHASER said:


> Yes I can fully understand that. I think my morals and values are being tested as we speak, for a male friend I have not seen in over 20 years popped-up when I ran into him at the local market. It is hard when ya have someone who wants to talk to you and makes you feel like a person -vs- feeling like your a statue in the corner of the living room


Be careful with this. You are in a marriage, attention and other interest is great and all, but can easily turn into action.....

You are a married woman. Address/work on your relationship you committed to before you pursue other people. 

Handling one person is a handful (as per above).....remind yourself of all that.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Storm,

You should never be #2. 
I can only speak for my self, but my wife and kids come first! 
I would advise you to just keep your nose to the grindstone and find a job. Keep on, keeping on, so to speak. Then when the time is right, make the decision to make you #1. Your not an accessory. Your a human being and your need to be treated as such. Keep your morals and integrity close, and continue to post here at TAM.

Your not being selfish for wanting the marriage you signed up for. He's selfish for not proving his half of that said marriage!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

DoF said:


> Address this, quickly. Looking for a job is an 8 hour job!!!
> 
> Does he contribute financially?
> 
> ...



To answer your questions, yes he contributes financially. He is the only one working and in the meantime, I am relentlessly looking for employment.

His family and place of employment are over an hour away. He travels over an hour one way to get to work everyday so not only is he on the road for about 2 1/2-3 hrs, add in a 10-11hr day. This is why we agreed to get the current home updated so we can put it on the market to move closer to his employer. That is not working because of the unfortunate accident his father was in over a month ago. He stays at his parents home Thurs-Late saturday night. I see him once a week and thats on Sundays. During the week, he gets home so late that I see him maybe for an hour before he is passed-out on the recliner.

I cannot put in any effort to see his family due to my vehicle being a dinosaur. DH is already up that way cause his employer is also near his parent residence. I see them on holidays and if DH has a day off so we can go together.

I get along with MIL but FIL and SIL are a nightmare. SIL is a spoiled brat and at 48, has never lived on her own. She works from home so that helps with taking MIL to her doctors appts., etc. She crys wolf so many times that DH feels obligated to do everything like he is superman. Resentment towards his family is an understatement, for I am cordial but I am not part of his family and continue to feel this way. One hand washes the other and since they do not do their part, it is a one way street and I do not play into that.

What do we do together? Nothing. He is never home. Thats why I go do my own thing with friends when I can (both male and female).

Does he show me affection? If you consider him giving me a kiss on the forehead or cheek when he walks in the door at 7:30-8pm, then yes. Other than that, again, he is never home long enough.

We were together for almost 2 years (about 18-21 months) before he proposed.

I was never close to his family and I do not see that happening anytime soon. I am the keeper of the household here and they think he is available anytime they need him. Their beck-in-call so to speak.

Here is an example of what is happening this weekend. He usually stays the night over at his parents Thurs-Sat and comes home late Sat night. Well, his car is in the shop and he has a rental. The car will be done on Friday. So, instead of just staying here, getting his car on Friday and then spending a night or 2 at his parents, he is staying at the parents tonight into friday, coming back home here to get his car on friday, staying here at home friday night and leaving saturday morning to go back to his parents. He then *TELLS ME*, does not *ASK ME*, that he is staying over Sat into Sun cause he could not stay over friday into saturday at his parents. Our life as a married couple is being ran around his parents wants and needs.

Some members here on TAM continue to tell me that this is only temperary. I see this as becoming permanent. Before the accident with his father, he was down there every-other Saturday. The Saturdays he was home here, he was working on the house getting it done and ready for sale. Now thats out the window and he is gone every weekend. His father does not seem to be getting any better and will be going into a rehab facility after his care in the hospital.

I refuse to just sit here at home being the goody-goody wife waiting for the hubby to get home everynight from whatever he has to do. I am on the computer and searching for work everyday. That, in itself, can be pretty depressing. I am starting to go out with friends, wether male or female, just to feel like I am alive again and to break up the monotony. Starting to feel enhausted and unappreciated!


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