# Keep having flashbacks



## jsttryn2moveforward (Dec 1, 2009)

I hope someone can help. I will try to keep it short. 9/27/08 I find out my W has a 2nd cell phone and she has been talking to someone she met online fo 5 months. She says she is no longer in love with me. We talk it out and I am not taking all the blame but I was ignoring her, married to my job, I wasn't there for her, and our communication was terrible. Over the next few months we went to counseling, I made many changes, things got much better. Only issue was that she continued to talk to him until I finally put my foot down and said no more which wasn't until the end of Feb. Through the holidays she spoke to him by phone and online. I allowed it because I felt that she needed to see the changes and believe that I wasn't going back. I did spy and found out so many things that she was doing, the lies were the worst. Anyway we have made the biggest change and are both very happy and moving forward. We renewed our vows with a big wedding in October. Most days everything is going great, romance is there, conversation is there, love is there. It is the best life you could ever ask for. Problem is, I get these like flashbacks. The day before Thanksgiving I kept seeing last Thanksgiving where whenever I took the dogs for a walk she would text him (7 times throughout the day) that night she stayed up to talk to him and didn't come to bed with me. I know that she is completely dedicated to me now but I am still having these issues. I know whith what happened last Christmas I will have a hard time with it too. Does anyone have any tips to help me?? She is there for me whenever I need her, I just don't want to kepp rehashing the past.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Move,

She had an EA, that you can overcome if you have started to build a new relationship.

I read your post and renewed vows, wow that is indeed a healer.

Think in the postive the ones hurting from a PA, that should and changes strengthed you.

Good luck.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Time.

Just depend on good ol' TIME making it fade away. It'll never vanish completely, but time helps.

My wife did the same thing with the 2nd phone. Except she was banging the guy too. But I definitely understand the issue - she had to actually go out and sign up for another phone to intentionally deceive you.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I wonder if you have Post traumatic stress disorder?
Posttraumatic stress disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
It sounds as if you may,you may need to seek a therapist.

If you do have this,it will show your wife how damaging this can actually be to a persons mental state.I know that any form of cheating can have bad consequences to the person cheated on.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Be careful with this. My problem I've been writing about on this forum happened a lot longer ago than I made out (it was hard enough to explain how something so seemingly minor affected me so badly, let alone it bothering me after all these years).

I didn't get "flashbacks", but periods (a couple of weeks at a time) where it would really bother me and I'd obsess about it. It affected my concentration, my job and my family and interpersonal relationships. It would then go away for a year or so and come back. 

The last time it happened was 4 months ago. I figured I had to do SOMETHING and I tried to fix it on my own (long story) and I think i really messed myself up. I'm still pretty bad.

Go to your insurance company's website and look up behavioral disorders. I found a good therapist and it only costs me $30 per session copay. Even IF you had to tell anyone, there's no stigma to it any longer. Call it "depression" (which it may be) and you'll actually have a rather trendy disease. 

Start fixing it before you get to where I am right now. The anxiety attacks really suck.

Good Luck


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## jsttryn2moveforward (Dec 1, 2009)

Thanks for the replies! I guess I need to clarify the "flashbacks", I am having more of the symptoms that Cody is having where I can go weeks without anything and then something will set it off i.e. Thanksgiving. I get real quiet and angry. I get angry at myself for "failing" my wife. I get angry at the other guy, to the point that if I ran into him (and we live 1000 miles apart) I would rip his head off. My wife and I talked about it last night and she is willing and has done so many things to show me she is sorry and that it is going to work. We both made mistakes and she is the love of my life, we are both 49 and have been through the wringer. I have been in counseling and continue to go. I guess it is time that will heal.

Rob


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

They say time heals all wounds. Well I feel the same as you. I can have good days and bad. I can be holding her and instantly tear up when I think about how much I love her and she betrayed me. I belive time will heal the wound but my heart will be scared for life. I wish you well.

Terry


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think if you replace the trigger memories with new memories than you might not go back to that place that causes you anger, anticipate the times and plan a new night together and just focus on changing the memories of holidays and any other events that might pop into your mind. Talk to your wife, plan it together and talk it through so it doesn't get to a point of festering. Reassurance a million times is what is needed sometimes, sounds like the 2 of you are committed, just a bump in the road that can be fixed. good luck


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

If you are serious about wanting to overcome the flashbacks, I recommend you read the thread I started under: "Long Term Success in Marriage" sub post: "How We Overcame adultery".

We too renewed our vows in October and I am now having good success dealing with the thoughts. *In one of the posts I talk specifically about how I view those thoughts now.* My wife was in an affair for 12 years. If you read all of my posts it may help.

Bestblu1


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

jsttryn2moveforward said:


> Thanks for the replies! I guess I need to clarify the "flashbacks", I am having more of the symptoms that Cody is having where I can go weeks without anything and then something will set it off i.e. Thanksgiving. I get real quiet and angry. I get angry at myself for "failing" my wife. I get angry at the other guy, to the point that if I ran into him (and we live 1000 miles apart) I would rip his head off. My wife and I talked about it last night and she is willing and has done so many things to show me she is sorry and that it is going to work. We both made mistakes and she is the love of my life, we are both 49 and have been through the wringer. I have been in counseling and continue to go. I guess it is time that will heal.
> 
> Rob


I think this is pretty normal. I am 12 weeks out from finding out about my partner's affair. Weeks 9-11 were actually really good and stable. This week, I've regressed a lot because I started making holiday travel plans and realized we'd be apart (visiting our respective families for XMas). The last time I visiting family, he stayed with the OW without me knowing. So certainly circumstances or times will definitely trigger emotions, I guess just knowing that it's part of the process and being willing to work through it is all you can do.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm right with you.
Fact: The flashbacks will continue - hopefully to a lesser degree.
Fact: The person that did this to you...did this to you. It is now part of you.
Fact: Life goes on - perhaps differently that we thought/hoped - but it does.

When I have a flashback I do two things:
1. Realize that many other people around the world have a much tougher life than me. IF this is the worst thing I have to deal with in life - ok. Some people have to watch their children starve to death in their arms.
2. I keep my H present. When he's out of site - the "other" him is in my mind. The one that hurt me. I don't like that person. But the person that is real, that is present, that works to make me feel his love again, him I like. When I'm feeling the flashbacks, I work to keep him present. 
Good luck. I'm sorry this pain has had to become part of your fabric.


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

I will be honest here and state that sometimes when I am feeling particularly jealous or over protective of my wife.I dwell on the what if's and the how's.Its the OCD though alot of times.It makes these feelings seem amplified.
I have to talk myself down mentally and I also share these thoughts with her and she helps me through these bad spots.

Reading in the infidelity/cheating forums here does not help at all.
I honestly feel for these people and by some type of transference in my psyche it gives me bad thoughts.I realize this,she does to.
I will probably slack off visiting the Coping with Infidelity area as its such a tender subject for me.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Tweak said:


> I will be honest here and state that sometimes when I am feeling particularly jealous or over protective of my wife.I dwell on the what if's and the how's.Its the OCD though alot of times.It makes these feelings seem amplified.
> I have to talk myself down mentally and I also share these thoughts with her and she helps me through these bad spots.
> 
> Reading in the infidelity/cheating forums here does not help at all.
> ...


I was watching an ABC newsmagazine story on Howie Mandell's OCD. I thought he was me, only I didn't have the compulsion to "do" somethig like wash my hands all the time. Over the past week, as I "compulsed" on my "coping" situation, I realized that was what I was doing. I think I have OCD (not to go too far off the topic, that is). 

I also thought that coming onto this (and other forums) was worsening my situation. But if it wasn't the websites, I'd be doing something else "compulsive". I think I've messed myself up over this.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I just focus on saving the marriage.

Counseling helped too...and posting here.


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