# Please help save my marriage...



## andrewh

Hi, my name is Andrew and im 32 years old. I have a beautiful amazing wife of almost 7 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids together and she was a stay at home mom up until a month ago. My kids are almost 7 and 5. I was in a career that kept me working long hours and a great deal of stress. It was one of those salary paying jobs that work follows you home. On my vacations I was basically working from home. This job over the 8 year span got worse and worse and changed the way I was at home. I was angry, depressed, tired, and when I was home I didn't want to do anything. Long story short I didn't give my wife the attention she deserves. I was rude, I snapped at her for ridiculous things. She tried opening up to me a handful of times and I never wanted to take what she said as the truth on what she felt. The heartache I created for her I can only imagine. I truly love my wife, I adore he best traits and all her flaws, even though there isn't many. She is my light and reason for waking up each morning. 

I was recently let go from the job and in my opinion it was needed. The money isn't worth it. Problem is now that the stress and anger is gone I see everything that I have done. She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years. Not even taking the time to notice her feelings. I hope it is not too late. She looks at me different, is distant, doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I don't blame her...I have tried to be more lovey, want to hold hands, offer back rubs, listen to her and try to understand her feelings. Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


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## Lostinthought61

well you can not fix a marriage when one spouse has one foot out the door in another relationship...your marriage is crowded, and i would tell her that you will accept your inattentiveness and attitude, and you will go to therapy and work on it but what you will not tolerate is a cheating spouse and if she intents to cheat then you might divorce right now. one person can not save a marriage it take both parties to try. and make it very clear if she decides to go after him tell her that you will report both of them to HR. you are not plan b


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## andrewh

ya that is a good point when you word it that way. this texting and such is a form of emotionally cheating isn't it? The other thing is even if she says she will stop texting him how in the world am I ever going to know? She might just get secretive about it. Say hey im going to my sisters while she is going to see him. My mind always thinks of the worst case situations first. My wife is a strong believer in Christianity so I would assume cheating is strictly off her plate.


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## NorseViking

andrewh said:


> My wife is a strong believer in Christianity so I would assume cheating is strictly off her plate.


Nope! Even women who goes to church EVERY Sunday cheats.
Mormons do it, Christians do it, Muslims do it.
Religion does not matter for someone.
They can be told cheating is a deal breaker or even dislike it themselves.
They still cheat.


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## Tasorundo

First, try not to make multiple threads, that will get you shut down pretty quick.

Second, have you seen the texts? Does she keep her phone locked or hidden from you?


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## andrewh

did I make more threads? I am using quick reply, sorry first time on here not sure if im replying the correct way. She keeps her phone on her at all times. She is sleeping right now but its a fingerprint lock and I don't know her backup passcode.


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## Tasorundo

Ask her to look at it. If she wont let you, then you know all you need to know about him.

You have to talk to her and say it is either us working on the marriage or her talking to him. There is no middle ground and there has to be complete transparency. Additionally, for the marriage to continue, she cannot work with him, like at all. Not different departments, they need different employers.


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## ConanHub

I understand that she needs and has needed emotional support because you were not there for her.

She got herself into an emotional affair however and that needs ended and addressed before you two can give your marriage a chance.

I suggest couple's counseling and make sure the counselor has experience in counseling with infidelity.

Watch the movie Fireproof. It has a similar circumstance.

I hope your marriage survives for your children.


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## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> Hi, my name is Andrew and im 32 years old. I have a beautiful amazing wife of almost 7 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids together and she was a stay at home mom up until a month ago. My kids are almost 7 and 5. I was in a career that kept me working long hours and a great deal of stress. It was one of those salary paying jobs that work follows you home. On my vacations I was basically working from home. This job over the 8 year span got worse and worse and changed the way I was at home. I was angry, depressed, tired, and when I was home I didn't want to do anything. Long story short I didn't give my wife the attention she deserves. I was rude, I snapped at her for ridiculous things. She tried opening up to me a handful of times and I never wanted to take what she said as the truth on what she felt. The heartache I created for her I can only imagine. I truly love my wife, I adore he best traits and all her flaws, even though there isn't many. She is my light and reason for waking up each morning.
> 
> I was recently let go from the job and in my opinion it was needed. The money isn't worth it. Problem is now that the stress and anger is gone I see everything that I have done. She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years. Not even taking the time to notice her feelings. I hope it is not too late. She looks at me different, is distant, doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I don't blame her...I have tried to be more lovey, want to hold hands, offer back rubs, listen to her and try to understand her feelings. Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you



Cheating is unacceptable. However when my husband is rude to me the ONLY thing that makes him back down is if I tell him
That there are many guys waiting to treat me nicely. Maybe she is doing this for revenge because if it was a real affair,
She would cover it up. The fact that she is honest about it means she wants a reaction from you. Please ask her to stop talking to this man, but also make up for the man YOU HAVE BEEN. If I were you. I would go and get her a nice dress ( or heels, a purse, jewelry, whatever your wife likes. ) I don’t care that you were laid off, sell something you don’t need. Go in your savings, get her that thoughtful present. Now take her out but don’t tell her where. Make it a very fancy night out. Cocktails first at the best hotel bar in your area, then 4 course meal. Open up. Share your feelings and how sorry you are , how you haven’t been a me to sleep, eat etc but DONT play the victim. She is the victim not you. She stood by you so many years and raised your kids. I share custody of my 6 year old with my ex. You DO NOT want that. Please save your marriage, put your ego down. After that dinner is done, hopefully a good night of intimacy- rub her feet, her back, treAt her like the queen she is. The next day, send her on a surprise massage and facial. She will forget about whoever she was texting because she will FEEL that her husband is making up for all the neglect. In the end even if it doesn’t work out, at least by putting THE MOST EFFORT YOU CAN PUT, you will blame yourself just a tad less. Good luck!


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## Tasorundo

Good suggestion on Fireproof if she is a Christian. It is pretty cheesy, but it deals with a workaholic husband and a wife that gets emotional support from someone else.

Only real problem I had with it was I felt like she kinda got an easy pass on it all, but it has a happy ending.


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## andrewh

She is the only one working right now. I have had many interviews and expect to be working again within the coming week or so. She works for a company doing a remodel right now night shift. The project will be done in 10 weeks but for now I am stuck with them working together. I have seen his name open in her phone while texting and will say something like, "you telling your sister all the new stuff you got?" and she will laugh and say no we are talking about this, and then switch to their thread and read it off. Completely leaving out she is talking to him. I tried seeing what was being said but couldn't do it without it being obvious. Just saw she was using emojis. Being night crew though that means if I get my job, the kids in school, she is home alone to do whatever. She could talk to him and just delete everything. I know the conversation has to happen, I just feel like she will agree, but do it behind my back while she plans on leaving in the future. She mentioned this morning she couldn't afford to leave even if she wanted to.


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## Tasorundo

You have to have a conversation. I would recommend contacting the church and looking for a biblical counselor or meeting with a pastor as a couple. This is serious man, you cannot just work on it and hope it goes away. It has to be dealt with quickly, firmly, and work has to be done by both of you.

Also, sure you might not have been a great husband, but two people are responsible for the state of a marriage, there is no innocent party.


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## andrewh

Missmilly said:


> Cheating is unacceptable. However when my husband is rude to me the ONLY thing that makes him back down is if I tell him
> That there are many guys waiting to treat me nicely. Maybe she is doing this for revenge because if it was a real affair,
> She would cover it up. The fact that she is honest about it means she wants a reaction from you. Please ask her to stop talking to this man, but also make up for the man YOU HAVE BEEN. If I were you. I would go and get her a nice dress ( or heels, a purse, jewelry, whatever your wife likes. ) I don’t care that you were laid off, sell something you don’t need. Go in your savings, get her that thoughtful present. Now take her out but don’t tell her where. Make it a very fancy night out. Cocktails first at the best hotel bar in your area, then 4 course meal. Open up. Share your feelings and how sorry you are , how you haven’t been a me to sleep, eat etc but DONT play the victim. She is the victim not you. She stood by you so many years and raised your kids. I share custody of my 6 year old with my ex. You DO NOT want that. Please save your marriage, put your ego down. After that dinner is done, hopefully a good night of intimacy- rub her feet, her back, treAt her like the queen she is. The next day, send her on a surprise massage and facial. She will forget about whoever she was texting because she will FEEL that her husband is making up for all the neglect. In the end even if it doesn’t work out, at least by putting THE MOST EFFORT YOU CAN PUT, you will blame yourself just a tad less. Good luck!


Luckily we aren't hurting money wise. I was paid nicely and we have a decent amount in savings. What are your thoughts on affection? We had a few talks and she used to be very affectionate. Now she says she doesn't like much of that anymore and she isn't used to it. I asked to hold her hand when we were in public and other times I would just grab it. Ive been very gentle and offered a foot rub, I have been rubbing her back, but I asked to cuddle while we watched our shows and she said shed rather not. We were intimate Friday night but I had to ask if it was ok. She agreed and it was almost normal but felt emotionless. Our sex life used to be very good. That night was the first time in 3 weeks. I took her out yesterday and today. Made sure it was all about her. She couldn't stay off her phone, anytime I was away she would be texting. It drives me crazy


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## Tasorundo

Texting who?


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## andrewh

ConanHub said:


> I understand that she needs and has needed emotional support because you were not there for her.
> 
> She got herself into an emotional affair however and that needs ended and addressed before you two can give your marriage a chance.
> 
> I suggest couple's counseling and make sure the counselor has experience in counseling with infidelity.
> 
> Watch the movie Fireproof. It has a similar circumstance.
> 
> I hope your marriage survives for your children.


So before we had our first talk I looked up a marriage counselor for myself. I planned on going to make myself better for her. I told her I was going to go and she said I can if I want but she doesn't believe on other people telling her how to feel. So she wont go with me.


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## Laurentium

If she was texting sitting next to you, then she wanted you to see. (And if she didn't want you to know, she could easily have made up some story about who it was). She is giving you a warning, in a rather indirect, manipulative way. 

Don't dwell on the "other guy" situation. Don't talk about it or demand answers. Focus on making any changes in your own behaviour that you want to make, (and on finding another job). Change yourself in whatever way you think is right. That's my advice.


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## Tasorundo

If she is christian, she won't refuse to speak with someone in her church. If she does resist everything, then it is because she doesn't want to admit what is going on.


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## andrewh

Tasorundo said:


> Texting who?


She is running multiple threads. One with this new guy, one with her friend who is a woman I have met, and the other her sister. Problem is im not close with her friend and her sister hates me. So if she is asking for advise from them, it wont go over well. But anytime I come back near her she minimizes her text and either opens another one or goes to a different menu on her phone.


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## Laurentium

Missmilly said:


> Maybe she is doing this for revenge because if it was a real affair,
> She would cover it up. The fact that she is honest about it means she wants a reaction from you.


Yeah I think this is correct


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## Tasorundo

I agree with Laurentium that you need to clean up your side of the street. However, you cannot ignore it you have to address it and she needs to clean up her side as well.


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## andrewh

Laurentium said:


> If she was texting sitting next to you, then she wanted you to see. (And if she didn't want you to know, she could easily have made up some story about who it was). She is giving you a warning, in a rather indirect, manipulative way.
> 
> Don't dwell on the "other guy" situation. Don't talk about it or demand answers. Focus on making any changes in your own behaviour that you want to make, (and on finding another job). Change yourself in whatever way you think is right. That's my advice.


You still feel that way even though if I didn't happen to see who she was texting I would still not know they are texting?


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## Laurentium

andrewh said:


> She keeps her phone on her at all times. She is sleeping right now but its a fingerprint lock and I don't know her backup passcode.


I strongly recommend you not to try this kind of thing. You already know all you need to know.


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## Laurentium

andrewh said:


> You still feel that way even though if I didn't happen to see who she was texting I would still not know they are texting?


Yeah, I think she wanted you to know. Otherwise she would have invented a cover up story.


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## Betrayedone

Make yourself better for YOU....Not for her.......There is a fair chance you are going to need "being better" down the road.....


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## andrewh

Tasorundo said:


> I agree with Laurentium that you need to clean up your side of the street. However, you cannot ignore it you have to address it and she needs to clean up her side as well.


Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant. She also said she wants things to just be normal. Exactly how they used to be. Which doesn't make sense to me because I was neglecting her during those times.


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## andrewh

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, I think she wanted you to know. Otherwise she would have invented a cover up story.


In my mind she did invent one. When I saw her texting him and asked about her sister and she went with it. She didn't admit to still be texting him. Or do you all think that is something different?


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## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Cheating is unacceptable. However when my husband is rude to me the ONLY thing that makes him back down is if I tell him
> That there are many guys waiting to treat me nicely. Maybe she is doing this for revenge because if it was a real affair,
> She would cover it up. The fact that she is honest about it means she wants a reaction from you. Please ask her to stop talking to this man, but also make up for the man YOU HAVE BEEN. If I were you. I would go and get her a nice dress ( or heels, a purse, jewelry, whatever your wife likes. ) I don’t care that you were laid off, sell something you don’t need. Go in your savings, get her that thoughtful present. Now take her out but don’t tell her where. Make it a very fancy night out. Cocktails first at the best hotel bar in your area, then 4 course meal. Open up. Share your feelings and how sorry you are , how you haven’t been a me to sleep, eat etc but DONT play the victim. She is the victim not you. She stood by you so many years and raised your kids. I share custody of my 6 year old with my ex. You DO NOT want that. Please save your marriage, put your ego down. After that dinner is done, hopefully a good night of intimacy- rub her feet, her back, treAt her like the queen she is. The next day, send her on a surprise massage and facial. She will forget about whoever she was texting because she will FEEL that her husband is making up for all the neglect. In the end even if it doesn’t work out, at least by putting THE MOST EFFORT YOU CAN PUT, you will blame yourself just a tad less. Good luck!
> 
> 
> 
> Luckily we aren't hurting money wise. I was paid nicely and we have a decent amount in savings. What are your thoughts on affection? We had a few talks and she used to be very affectionate. Now she says she doesn't like much of that anymore and she isn't used to it. I asked to hold her hand when we were in public and other times I would just grab it. Ive been very gentle and offered a foot rub, I have been rubbing her back, but I asked to cuddle while we watched our shows and she said shed rather not. We were intimate Friday night but I had to ask if it was ok. She agreed and it was almost normal but felt emotionless. Our sex life used to be very good. That night was the first time in 3 weeks. I took her out yesterday and today. Made sure it was all about her. She couldn't stay off her phone, anytime I was away she would be texting. It drives me crazy
Click to expand...

Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!


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## andrewh

Missmilly said:


> Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!


That's a good point. Yes I will need to do something like that as well. She is very reclusive. Doesn't like people or crowds, doesn't like being in the spotlight. So dazzling her to drop her jaw I will need to put some thought into. She doesn't like jewelry, and I asked to get her a different wedding ring since hers doesn't fit anymore since she lost some weight and she said she hasn't felt married in a couple years anyway. She doesn't like rings that will snag on anything. Do you think if I found a ring in the parameters I know she would like and surprised her with it as something like an I want to start our life over purposal she would love it? Or should I listen to the part when she said she hasn't felt married to don't bother yet?


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## Laurentium

andrewh said:


> In my mind she did invent one. When I saw her texting him and asked about her sister and she went with it. She didn't admit to still be texting him. Or do you all think that is something different?


Well, you're there and I am not, you probably know better than I do. From your first #1 post it sounded like she "allowed" you to see the texting but maybe I am wrong. 

Like I said, I think your best defence against the other guy is to be the best you that you can be.


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## andrewh

Laurentium said:


> Well, you're there and I am not, you probably know better than I do. From your first #1 post it sounded like she "allowed" you to see the texting but maybe I am wrong.
> 
> Like I said, I think your best defence against the other guy is to be the best you that you can be.


oh no the way it happened was we were sitting on the couch together watching our show and she had her phone in her hands texting tilted just a little. but even by turning my head I could see the screen. she didn't know I was looking. but she did offer the info up that someone at her work invested interest. I just didn't know they were freaking texting. She left that out


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## ConanHub

andrewh said:


> So before we had our first talk I looked up a marriage counselor for myself. I planned on going to make myself better for her. I told her I was going to go and she said I can if I want but she doesn't believe on other people telling her how to feel. So she wont go with me.


If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.

I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.

If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.

If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends. 

Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.

You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.

If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.


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## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Affection for me is the most important thing in my relationship but if someone was rude to me so many years I would not feel like cuddling either. I Think you need to get deep first. Make her have emotions, maybe talk a bit less about your relation and take her to something she likes. I’m not her I can’t speak for her but I like fancy restaurants and ambiance and feeling like a princess in a new gown or heels. Maybe your wife likes a very hidden new spot and a live band. Maybe she likes a Beyoncé concert. The point is focus on her, go ALL OUT. Don’t just offer the foot massage. Grab the oil, grab her feet and put your all in it. If you aren’t hurting financially, get jewelry. A bigger carat diamond ring. You didn’t cheat but you MESSED UP for many years. Why do you think Cartier and all the jewelrers companies make so much. It’s all men buying stuff to make up for being *******s. Again I don’t know your wife. I’m just saying get something that she really likes but won’t splurge on . Not a crockpot or a vaccuum. Just go all out. I don’t mean to say to be materialistic, but since she won’t necessarily believe that you will be a different man, you need your Actions to be very bold. Maybe your wife doesn’t like jewelry at all. Maybe she wants an autographed hockey stick from her favorite player or a vinyl disk of a musician that’s hard to find. I doubt it but you get my point. GO ALL OUT!
> 
> 
> 
> That's a good point. Yes I will need to do something like that as well. She is very reclusive. Doesn't like people or crowds, doesn't like being in the spotlight. So dazzling her to drop her jaw I will need to put some thought into. She doesn't like jewelry, and I asked to get her a different wedding ring since hers doesn't fit anymore since she lost some weight and she said she hasn't felt married in a couple years anyway. She doesn't like rings that will snag on anything. Do you think if I found a ring in the parameters I know she would like and surprised her with it as something like an I want to start our life over purposal she would love it? Or should I listen to the part when she said she hasn't felt married to don't bother yet?
Click to expand...

No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.


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## Missmilly

ConanHub said:


> andrewh said:
> 
> 
> 
> So before we had our first talk I looked up a marriage counselor for myself. I planned on going to make myself better for her. I told her I was going to go and she said I can if I want but she doesn't believe on other people telling her how to feel. So she wont go with me.
> 
> 
> 
> If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.
> 
> I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.
> 
> If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.
> 
> If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.
> 
> Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.
> 
> You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.
> 
> If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.
Click to expand...


This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...


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## andrewh

ConanHub said:


> If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.
> 
> I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.
> 
> If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.
> 
> If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.
> 
> Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.
> 
> You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.
> 
> If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.


You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.


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## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> 
> If she will not stop her affair and she will not go to marriage counseling, it is already over.
> 
> I suggest you get your legal ducks in a row and start working on a coparenting plan.
> 
> If you want to be effective at anything in this situation, you have to be decisive and act.
> 
> If you want to try to end her affair then you need to expose her to both your families and possibly friends.
> 
> Maybe they can help encourage her to stop her infidelity and work to restore your marriage.
> 
> You might want to see about going to her job and asking the other man to stop being involved with your wife. Maybe their supervisors could help.
> 
> If you are not willing to decide and act, you are lost either way.
> 
> 
> 
> You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.
Click to expand...

Leave her dad alone she is a grown woman and you don’t need to punish her after hurting her so many years


----------



## andrewh

Missmilly said:


> No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.


In your opinion what should be the first move though? I am all for buying a new ring, but shouldn't I address the texting? I don't want that to continue.


----------



## ConanHub

Missmilly said:


> This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...


I have actually dealt directly and indirectly with infidelity for well over two decades.

Though I disagree with him on other points, Dr. Harley and I are in perfect agreement with this advice.

How many times have you seen the opposite of exposure help to end an affair? Especially if it has been going on for a while?


----------



## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.
> 
> 
> 
> In your opinion what should be the first move though? I am all for buying a new ring, but shouldn't I address the texting? I don't want that to continue.
Click to expand...

Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again


----------



## Missmilly

ConanHub said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is terrible advice. Fix your marriage. For your kids, I come from divorce. If you love your wife you can always redeem yourself. Don’t listen to this please. Keep your business between you, don’t expose her. She’s been hurt so many years...
> 
> 
> 
> I have actually dealt directly and indirectly with infidelity for well over two decades.
> 
> Though I disagree with him on other points, Dr. Harley and I are in perfect agreement with this advice.
> 
> How many times have you seen the opposite of exposure help to end an affair? Especially if it has been going on for a while?
Click to expand...

Affairs are usually well hidden.... she’s kind of leaving it out there to be found out. When someone has an affair, they don’t leave their phone for the other to find the text. They take extreme precautions


----------



## ConanHub

andrewh said:


> You have some very good points. I do know the closest person to her is her dad, and he is VERY religious and would not tolerate any sort of affair. Him and I are close and that could be an option. I like the one at work too. She wakes up here soon and I think first I need to ask her to stop and go from there. Because even being the best I can be doesn't matter if while I am doing that she is on the phone texting him.


A good book in most respects is "His Needs Her Needs". By Dr. Harley.

Since your wife doesn't seem to be in a physical affair, hopefully, following his infidelity advice for your marriage would probably be a good course.

Talking to her first is always a good idea if you are going this route.

Tell her you love her and want her to stop with the other man.


----------



## andrewh

Missmilly said:


> Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again


Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.


----------



## Missmilly

andrewh said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
> 
> 
> 
> Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.
Click to expand...

See ? Hard to believe you when you’ve said this before. Now you need to SHOW it in actions. Look, texting or not, be the reason for her to feel bad about it and stop. Be the best man you can be so if you walk out of this at least you can be the one who put in the most effort. So far, you are Not.


----------



## Missmilly

Missmilly said:


> andrewh said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes you can address it but in my opinion it’s only her trying to make you feel.as hurt as she’s been feeling.... tell her that if she wants to be with this man there’s nothing you can do, but that you are willing to save your marriage in any way possible, that you are extremely sorry ( have you even said this loud and clear?) and that before she walks off with this man , you want a chance to prove her that you are the man she fell in love with and married. You were just burried in stress but you have resuscitated. Then you proceed with Woo-ing her again
> 
> 
> 
> Oh yes we have had I think three different moments where we have talked this weekend and I opened up completely. I took responsibility for what I did to her, I told her I understand why she feels the way she does and tried to empathize with her. I told her the reason I felt why I was the way I was but reinstated its still not an excuse, and I own my mistakes. I apologized whole heartedly and told her I would never intentionally hurt her in any way. I don't want her to forget but to forgive and offer me one attempt to make our marriage work and if I don't change I will help her leave. That is when she said yes she would give it a shot. But we had another talk the next day and it was well you have said it before and what makes this time any different. So she is talking to someone.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> See ? Hard to believe you when you’ve said this before. Now you need to SHOW it in actions. Look, texting or not, be the reason for her to feel bad about it and stop. Be the best man you can be so if you walk out of this at least you can be the one who put in the most effort. So far, you are Not.
Click to expand...

And just to add, I would personally forgive an emotional affair if I had treated someone like **** for years...


----------



## ConanHub

Missmilly said:


> Affairs are usually well hidden.... she’s kind of leaving it out there to be found out. When someone has an affair, they don’t leave their phone for the other to find the text. They take extreme precautions


My advice remains the same. If she is playing games, she still needs confronted about her behavior.

I have seen women who did not care in the least if their husbands knew. Those same women changed their tune a bit when they had to start answering for their behavior.

She is involved in an EA at least. Unless her co-worker is a complete fabrication.

If she is playing a game, I would still advise OP to proceed because, just as with a cheating spouse, she needs a wake up call.

OP woke up and is willing to work, now it is his wife that needs slapped out of her "fog".


----------



## SongoftheSouth

file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.


----------



## personofinterest

Look...

Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.

This is not the Kardasians. 

She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.

And now she has crossed a line with another man.

She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.

You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.


----------



## andrewh

Missmilly said:


> And just to add, I would personally forgive an emotional affair if I had treated someone like **** for years...


Forgiving her wont be the issue. It just needs to stop. But it will be interesting since she works with the guy.


----------



## andrewh

personofinterest said:


> Look...
> 
> Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.
> 
> This is not the Kardasians.
> 
> She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.
> 
> And now she has crossed a line with another man.
> 
> She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.
> 
> You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.


What do you mean by further investigate him? Visit him myself or investigate through questioning my wife?


----------



## andrewh

SongoftheSouth said:


> file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.


lol yeah that's my concern. This is the first time in my life of feeling this way and nothing makes sense anymore.


----------



## lucy999

OP, forget the jewelry. If I were your wife, (especially since you've described her a bit in that area), that would seem tawdry and like you were trying to buy your way back into my heart and it would turn me off in a big way. Don't *****foot around-tell her in no uncertain terms to stop texting this man. She is your wife and sure, your side of the street hasn't been clean because you've been an absentee husband and father, but that certainly doesnt mean your wife can have an emo affair!

I think you've gone to her with your hat in your hand and that's a great beginning. In a previous post you've described how much you've both communicated about your past absence. Keep talking and SHOW her how sorry you are-communication and actions are key. It won't happen overnight. With time, coupled with decisiveness from you demanding she stop this emo affair now, both of you can turn this around. If she won't see a marriage counselor, suggest your church leader for help, see what she says.


----------



## andrewh

lucy999 said:


> OP, forget the jewelry. If I were your wife, (especially since you've described her a bit in that area), that would seem tawdry and like you were trying to buy your way back into my heart and it would turn me off in a big way. Don't *****foot around-tell her in no uncertain terms to stop texting this man. She is your wife and sure, your side of the street hasn't been clean because you've been an absentee husband and father, but that certainly doesnt mean your wife can have an emo affair!
> 
> I think you've gone to her with your hat in your hand and that's a great beginning. In a previous post you've described how much you've both communicated about your past absence. Keep talking and SHOW her how sorry you are-communication and actions are key. It won't happen overnight. With time, coupled with decisiveness from you demanding she stop this emo affair now, both of you can turn this around. If she won't see a marriage counselor, suggest your church leader for help, see what she says.


I agree, one question to this would be what is fair to expect. I mentioned earlier she isn't used to affection and doesn't want a lot of it. Now to me with communication and action that would require some sort of affection to start up again even if its light in the beginning correct? Lets say she stops talking to him, at work who knows how that's handled, would I be out of line to ask for her to step out of her comfort zone for that? Because I believe a strong marriage is one that both sides are ok with showing affection.


----------



## Cynthia

First off, you shouldn’t have to sneak to find out what’s going on. She is clearly texting another man. She’s told you that flat out. What you want to know is what the texts are about, but has her phone on lockdown. Don’t ask her anything. Tell her you want her to put a password on her phone, so you have access to it and you want to see the messages between her and the other man right now. If she says “no,” then you do the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/

Your wife has already told you that she doesn’t like the wussy approach, so you need to step up and be a man of integrity and strength. Don’t try to nice her. Yes, you need to make some changes. You neglected your wife and now she’s in an emotional affair with another man that she isn’t even hiding from you. Trying to get her to pick you is going to make things worse.

The best thing to do is to get into therapy for yourself as soon as possible, find a new job, engage with the children, and to tell your wife it’s him or you and if she doesn’t want you that you can start splitting household now. Wait until you have a new job if you think that’s best, but do not allow her to have a man on the side. That’s disgusting and not going to work out for you. Let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to resolve your marriage issues, but not alone. Either you two are in it together or there is no marriage to work on.


----------



## lucy999

andrewh said:


> I agree, one question to this would be what is fair to expect. I mentioned earlier she isn't used to affection and doesn't want a lot of it. Now to me with communication and action that would require some sort of affection to start up again even if its light in the beginning correct? Lets say she stops talking to him, at work who knows how that's handled, would I be out of line to ask for her to step out of her comfort zone for that? Because I believe a strong marriage is one that both sides are ok with showing affection.


Has she always not been a fan of affection throughout your whole marriage or just since she started the emo affair?


----------



## andrewh

lucy999 said:


> Has she always not been a fan of affection throughout your whole marriage or just since she started the emo affair?


Its been more recent. She has always been very affectionate and used to want nothing but. Even when I was in my bad moments she still was affectionate. So thinking back I would say about 4 weeks ago. Which puts her right when she probably met him.


----------



## frusdil

OP fancy restaurants and jewellery won't fix this. From what you've said, you've gone to your wife metaphorically on your knees and owned your bad behaviour. She now needs to do the same. Yes you made mistakes, that does not give her the right to do what she's doing now.

Stop grovelling and trying to nice her back, it won't work. Time to man up and take charge of the situation. For this to have any chance at all, your wife needs to find another employer. She can't work with this man anymore. I don't care what deadlines they have, your marriage comes first. End of story. If she won't do that, well, basically you're stuffed mate. Once a woman is done, she's done.

If this thread isn't a warning to husbands everywhere to LISTEN when your wife tries to tell you something, I don't know what is.


----------



## lucy999

andrewh said:


> Its been more recent. She has always been very affectionate and used to want nothing but. Even when I was in my bad moments she still was affectionate. So thinking back I would say about 4 weeks ago. Which puts her right when she probably met him.


You can't force affection if you don't feel it. Right now she doesn't feel it.


----------



## GusPolinski

andrewh said:


> Hi, my name is Andrew and im 32 years old. I have a beautiful amazing wife of almost 7 years and have been together for almost 9 years. We have 2 kids together and she was a stay at home mom up until a month ago. My kids are almost 7 and 5. I was in a career that kept me working long hours and a great deal of stress. It was one of those salary paying jobs that work follows you home. On my vacations I was basically working from home. This job over the 8 year span got worse and worse and changed the way I was at home. I was angry, depressed, tired, and when I was home I didn't want to do anything. Long story short I didn't give my wife the attention she deserves. I was rude, I snapped at her for ridiculous things. She tried opening up to me a handful of times and I never wanted to take what she said as the truth on what she felt. The heartache I created for her I can only imagine. I truly love my wife, I adore he best traits and all her flaws, even though there isn't many. She is my light and reason for waking up each morning.
> 
> I was recently let go from the job and in my opinion it was needed. The money isn't worth it. Problem is now that the stress and anger is gone I see everything that I have done. She opened up a little bit to me and it broke my heart. Its been a week now and I cannot eat. Im hungry, but when I take even a bite I feel sick. I feel so terribly bad what I did to her all those years. Not even taking the time to notice her feelings. I hope it is not too late. She looks at me different, is distant, doesn't feel like she is in love with me anymore. I don't blame her...I have tried to be more lovey, want to hold hands, offer back rubs, listen to her and try to understand her feelings. Long story short she we talked yesterday morning and she said she would give us another shot. One last time. But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


You might want to take a good, long look at the phone bill.


----------



## Missmilly

SongoftheSouth said:


> file for divorce while you are still unemployed. Get a lower paying job for the time being. While counterintuitive this will cost you less in the long run. Blaming yourself cause you worked too much, begging for forgiveness, promising moonlight and canoes etc. is exactly the wrong thing to do. I fear your wife is checked out, done, and is probably involved with this other dude worse than you currently know. Much smarter people on here than me though so get their thoughts. Hope I'm wrong and you can work this out.


Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”


----------



## Missmilly

personofinterest said:


> Look...
> 
> Buying your wife stuff is not going to fix this. Not if she a mature adult.
> 
> This is not the Kardasians.
> 
> She needed emotional support and kindness. A woman of depth wint accept jewelry as a substitute.
> 
> And now she has crossed a line with another man.
> 
> She doesnt need a ring. She needs a wakeup call and a present husband.
> 
> You need to further investigate this guy, and keep working on yourself.


If anyone read properly, I first suggested treating her to a pleasant adventure, something she likes, her favorite band, food etc, so that you too can rekindle the joy of being together and sharing fun moments together. Otherwise what is even the point to stay married? Second the ring was meant symbolically as a way to renew your vows. Put an end to a dead marriage and start a new one. OP wants to win the heart of his wife back. Yes her behavior is unacceptable for a married woman, but he claims to have treated her like garbage for years. She started this “ affair” only 4 weeks ago and suddenly OP woke up. Maybe it’s too late, who knows. I think instead of blaming her and making it worse with her he has to win her back and put in some serious effort and actions rather than divorcing and ending up in a shared custody, broken home for his young kids and all the drama. He seems to still love his wife. She seems hurt and confused. He should just do the best he can to fix what he did and win her back the way she as a person can be won back. Maybe jewelry is stupid the point was to make her feel good being with him, show her that he can make huge efforts to make her happy in one way or another.


----------



## sunsetmist

This forum offers many opinions--often based on experience or preferences of posters. Please look at the number of posts--years of experience--when you are confused about conflicting advice. You know your wife--who she is, what she stands for, what she likes.

IMO: don't try to buy her affection--this situation requires deeper sacrifice and change if you mean what you've said.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Missmilly said:


> Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”


LMAO and Jussie Smollet claimed he was accosted by 2 white dudes wearing MAGA hats at 2 in the morning in Chicago who tied a noose around his neck. Sorry I call BS when I see it. His wife is checked out and moving on but make sure you give this guy good advice how to save his marriage like treating her to pleasant adventures.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

CynthiaDe said:


> First off, you shouldn’t have to sneak to find out what’s going on. She is clearly texting another man. She’s told you that flat out. What you want to know is what the texts are about, but has her phone on lockdown. Don’t ask her anything. Tell her you want her to put a password on her phone, so you have access to it and you want to see the messages between her and the other man right now. If she says “no,” then you do the 180. https://affaircare.com/the-180/
> 
> *Your wife has already told you that she doesn’t like the wussy approac*h, so you need to step up and be a man of integrity and strength. Don’t try to nice her. Yes, you need to make some changes. You neglected your wife and now she’s in an emotional affair with another man that she isn’t even hiding from you. Trying to get her to pick you is going to make things worse.
> 
> The best thing to do is to get into therapy for yourself as soon as possible, find a new job, engage with the children, and to tell your wife it’s him or you and if she doesn’t want you that you can start splitting household now. Wait until you have a new job if you think that’s best, but do not allow her to have a man on the side. That’s disgusting and not going to work out for you. Let her know that you are willing to do what it takes to resolve your marriage issues, but not alone. Either you two are in it together or there is no marriage to work on.


 @andrewh 
I posted @CynthiaDe 's post again because everything you need is in there with the exception of the fact that you DO NOT need to buy her anything to *reward her having an affair*, at the very least an emotional affair. That's bad advice ... period. She's hiding it from you, so she knows damn well it's inappropriate. Work affairs are some of the hardest to catch. You can take half of the responsibility for the marriage problems but none of her affair is on you. Zero, Zip, Nada, None. As a few posters have already advised you, you need to take hard and decisive action. Playing "pick me" never works it portrays you as weak to even contemplate competing for your own wife. It sounds to me she has already checked out. A handful of divorce papers may wake her up, but it may not. You need to be prepared either way, and I'd wager having her served is likely your only chance to save things. You can always stop the process if you get things worked out.


----------



## jlg07

Look, you WILL NOT save your marriage if your wife is actively engaged in an emotional affair. You need to a) LOOK at your phone bill -- you may find that these "texts" go back a lot longer than 4 weeks, b) ask her to see her phone and the texts with this guy directly, and NOT give her time to go and remove texts. If she says NO then you no that this is at the LEAST a very deep EA and possibly already a PA. If she says NO, then ask why DIRECTLY. You need to tell her that you being a **** husband is not an excuse for her to cheat on you. If she wants that, then she should have divorced you. What you did sucks, but so it what she is doing.
You can't "nice" her back into a marriage if she is carrying on an affair (EA or PA). There are only two in a marriage, not three or more.

Also, she works with him -- so you have NO idea what they are/have gotten into at work. Find this guys number and find out who he is.

Also, you need to work on YOU and get YOUR **** together. Go to counseling, learn how to be involved in your relationships and not be emotionally distant. Work is work, but your family is LIFE.


----------



## BioFury

andrewh said:


> Forgiving her wont be the issue. It just needs to stop. But it will be interesting since she works with the guy.


No, if she continues working with this man, it won't be "interesting". You'll lose her, is what will happen. If your marriage is to recover, her contact with this other man has to cease. 

I would, together with your wife, find a marriage counselor you both like. It's important she be a part of selecting the counselor, so she doesn't view them as being "your" counselor, or as being on your side. Once the counselor is up to speed, I would ask her to resign from the company during one of your sessions. If she's not willing to do that, then your marriage is likely toast, and you should do the 180, as recommended previously.


----------



## aine

andrewh said:


> Luckily we aren't hurting money wise. I was paid nicely and we have a decent amount in savings. What are your thoughts on affection? We had a few talks and she used to be very affectionate. Now she says she doesn't like much of that anymore and she isn't used to it. I asked to hold her hand when we were in public and other times I would just grab it. Ive been very gentle and offered a foot rub, I have been rubbing her back, but I asked to cuddle while we watched our shows and she said shed rather not. We were intimate Friday night but I had to ask if it was ok. She agreed and it was almost normal but felt emotionless. Our sex life used to be very good. That night was the first time in 3 weeks. I took her out yesterday and today. Made sure it was all about her. She couldn't stay off her phone, anytime I was away she would be texting. It drives me crazy


Andrew, yes you screwed up in how you treated your wife and now her feelings for you have died and she is trying to make you suffer with this flirtation with the other guy.

You have to be a leader and decisive. YOu have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. Her being a Christian doesn't mean she cannot cheat.

1. Acknowledge the pain you have caused her
2. Seek individual counselling to find out why you put work first and above your family
3. Seek Marriage counselling together
4. Tell her she has to stop texting this other guy other wise all bets are off and you will file for divorce because it is tantamount to an emotional affair.
5. Do the 180 on her, no begging, crying etc. Tell her you are willing to make things better but she must meet you half way.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

You have been given stellar advice from Several posters not to buy a ring as I concur it seems to be a reward for bad behavior. You mention your wife is a Christian, my FWW is too. Went to mass almost daily while carrying out an affair for nine months. Christian women can and will cheat.Our stories are similar as I was a workaholic and spent too much time building my business when I should have been building my marriage. 

I caught my wife, vascilated as to the course of action, blamed myself as you are doing, tried to be mr. Nice guy. Didn’t work. Thankfully I was the recipient of good advice from some of the seasoned veterans on here. I changed direction,went ballistic, told her I was done, took our heirloom bed to my farm and burned it. I videoed the burning on my phone and sent it to her with a profane message as to what she could do. I took off to our place in Florida for six weeks, had lawyers draft papers,had my businesses valued by my CPA, let her know I was done with her ****. She chased me down to our condo, and I sent her back home and took off to another location where she could not find me.

Point being, if I was mr nice guy and took the “sorry honey” approach, I would be divorced. Women are wired to respect strength. You need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. Took me a while to grasp this. Seems counter intuitive, but it is true. 

Exposure can kill this affair in its early stages. I for one am a fan of exposure if saving your marriage is your primary goal. Expose to her parents, and your parents. 

From your posts it appears to me she is about 90% checked out. Be bold. 180 180 180!

Ps: Consider reading “Grow a Pair” by Larry Winget.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

andrewh said:


> Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant.


You need to get the notion out of your head that you're "helping _her_" when you do things around the house.

She's *working outside the home*, is that correct?

Then you BOTH have 50% shares of what you need to do _inside_ the home. You're simply doing your SHARE, you're not doing her some big grand favor.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Missmilly said:


> No you don’t listen to that. It is coming from a place of hurt. She is hurt and wants to hurt you back. She would have left otherwise. I think getting a ring she would like is a fantastic idea. But it’s the way you give it to her. Maybe where you initially proposed. Maybe rent a part of a romantic restaurant since she hates crowds. Go on your knees again. Think deep about what she likes. At this point. It’s not only her but her best friend, her sister, that you need to impress as well. She’s probably complained about you for years now and they are probably telling her to cheat or get a divorce. Give your wife something fantastic to text about. Something like “ you guys won’t believe what my husband did for me! I think he fell on his head and became a completely different person because who knew his brain could come up with SUCH A WAY to make me happy” . Also , I doubt she doesn’t like jewelry. What woman doesnt... what was her reaction when you gave her the engagement ring? You can get a flat diamond that won’t snag on anything. I think the best idea is to “re-propose” and maybe even renew your vows. She her that this dead marriage she was in for so long is now behind her. It’s a new future for both of you does she like purses? A classic black Chanel ? Hide the ring inside? Or maybe get earrings? Just don’t pull like a half ass effort. You need to hurt a bit in the process whether by researching or spending.


Sorry, but I highly doubt the OP buying her some expensive piece of jewelry or an engagement ring is going to suddenly MAGICALLY make her love him again.

And quite honestly, it's not a *given* that she's 'trying to hurt him' just because she hasn't left him and because she chooses to text her 'friend' in front of the OP. It really seems more like she simply doesn't give a rat's ass if he knows she's texting this guy or not.

I get the clear impression the OP's wife is just about to the point of being indifferent. Ain't no expensive ring going to change THAT. OP save your money. Seriously.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, but I highly doubt the OP buying her some expensive piece of jewelry or an engagement ring is going to suddenly MAGICALLY make her love him again.


Missmilly thinks that gifts are what love is about, so her advice of course is going to be material-centric. 
@andrewh, your wife MUST end her EA in order for you to work on the marriage. Stop all the foot massages and kisisng up, all you are doing is rewarding her for cheating on you. Follow the advice of NoLongerLonelyHusband. Being a whiny wuss isnt going to save this... being strong and decisive might, its the only chance you have. She needs to end her affair, and be 100% transparent with you, giving you full access to her phone, emails, social media, etc. Even though you may have been doing wrong in your husband role, she is the one who is betraying your marriage. If she was that unhappy, then she should have ended it, its never ok to turn to another man. The sooner you realize that SHE is to blame for what she is doing, the sooner you can get to saving or ending this... which may be one in the same, you have to be willing to end it to save it.


----------



## Bluesclues

Let me echo the other posters saying to confront this head on. I would go online and look at the phone bill first so you know how often they are texting and then demand she show you her phone. 

As someone who cheated I am going to let you in on a couple of secrets. Most contact with the OP is NOT well hidden. I would guess 98% of WS text their OP right in front of their spouse. Each contact from the OP is like a drug and they will take it whenever and wherever they can get it - their is no thought of the spouse at all, they don’t exist in that moment. And then the WS can use their ability to contact the OP with the spouse present as a reason to justify the affair in the first place. “see, Andrew doesn’t give a **** about me so much that I can text another man and he doesn’t even notice.” 

I texted my OP from the children’s room of our Catholic Church during Sunday Mass. The presence of my kids, fellow worshippers, Fr Murphy and the Father, Son and Holy Ghost could not prevent me from getting that emotional fix. Oh, and my Mom was an alter server at Mass - didn’t matter in that moment. 

The best lies are built on partial truth. She may have told you there was a guy at work interested in her to wake you up. She may also have said that so if you happen to see a text pop up from him like “I miss you” she had a built in story for it “oh, that is that guy I told you about from work. He is creepy but harmless”. 

My first husband cheated and was a pretty lousy partner and I used that to justify my own behavior. When my affair was discovered he was very wishy washy because he bought into the false idea that HIS bad behavior caused mine and he deserved it. At the point he discovered it, my affair was still an emotional affair. But he wallowed in shame for his past behaviors and that gave me the justification fuel to take the affair underground and make it physical. To me he was even less of a man for trying to placate me. I left for the OP and married him. 

Your post got me thinking - would it have ended different if he confronted me and put his foot down? I honestly don’t know. But I can tell you that would have been the only thing that may have saved us.


----------



## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”


What you don't understand is this: a marriage doesn't work when one partner is cheating. Trying to nice back a cheating spouse rarely works. It seems counter-intuitive, but the best way to fight for a marriage is to be clear that the affair needs to end and she needs to repent or there is no marriage. Rewarding people for cheating is a very bad idea and doesn't end well.


----------



## Missmilly

CynthiaDe said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”
> 
> 
> 
> What you don't understand is this: a marriage doesn't work when one partner is cheating. Trying to nice back a cheating spouse rarely works. It seems counter-intuitive, but the best way to fight for a marriage is to be clear that the affair needs to end and she needs to repent or there is no marriage. Rewarding people for cheating is a very bad idea and doesn't end well.
Click to expand...

This forum is great because it’s free counseling but it’s made me realize that it’s hard to give advice that works for a particular stranger because we are all completely different, and the advice I give would work for Me. But maybe not for other women. As for all the men here giving divorce advice, ask them if they are happier since being divorced...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Missmilly said:


> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....


Wow really? What should he have done, given her something shiny and a foot rub?


----------



## wilson

Missmilly said:


> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....


What experience do you have with getting a cheating spouse back through being nice? While I agree it seems like it should work, in practice it rarely does. It's like trying to cure cancer with essential oils. When a spouse is trying to win back a cheater by being nice, it only seems to work if the affair runs its course and the cheater comes back because they don't have any other options.


----------



## ConanHub

Missmilly said:


> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....


That dude is relating his successful reconciliation actions.

Real folks with real cheating spouses with real life results.

Where is your successful reconciliation story?

Is it from a Jennifer Aniston movie?

I agree with your romance advice but that can't take place without confronting and ending her emotional affair.

Those are facts. Where are yours?


----------



## Missmilly

3Xnocharm said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
> 
> 
> 
> Wow really? What should he have done, given her something shiny and a foot rub?
Click to expand...

MAYBE NOT BUT CERTAINLY NOT PUT FIRE TO A BED!!! Geesus donate it to a charity or something ! Find something else for a big statement


----------



## Missmilly

wilson said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
> 
> 
> 
> What experience do you have with getting a cheating spouse back through being nice? While I agree it seems like it should work, in practice it rarely does. It's like trying to cure cancer with essential oils. When a spouse is trying to win back a cheater by being nice, it only seems to work if the affair runs its course and the cheater comes back because they don't have any other options.
Click to expand...

Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


----------



## ConanHub

Missmilly said:


> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....


P.S.

That guy you called crazy romanced the hell out of his undeserving wife after she ended her affair and took her licks.

He acted in strength both in the confrontation and in his path to divorce her skanky ass.

She blew it, was sharply reminded that she blew it and scrambled to repent.

He then poured his passion into loving her as she recommitted to him.


----------



## Missmilly

ConanHub said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> WoW some really crackpot crazy folks on here.....
> 
> 
> 
> That dude is relating his successful reconciliation actions.
> 
> Real folks with real cheating spouses with real life results.
> 
> Where is your successful reconciliation story?
> 
> Is it from a Jennifer Aniston movie?
> 
> I agree with your romance advice but that can't take place without confronting and ending her emotional affair.
> 
> Those are facts. Where are yours?
Click to expand...

Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Missmilly said:


> Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


She IS having an affair, she isnt pretending, no one PRETENDS to have an affair! It is at the LEAST an emotional affair so far, very likely that since they work together, it could be physical. If its not physical, putting energy and emotion into someone who is NOT your spouse is infidelity. Remember this when you find YOUR husband texting some other woman... tell yourself he's just pretending....


----------



## ConanHub

Missmilly said:


> Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.


It is called passion. Some men have it and are men of action. The guy you referred to is a combat veteran.

I would have possibly done more than him. He acted with incredible restraint and patience compared to me.

I would have done much within my ability to ruin her affair partner and I would have probably not taken her back after outing her and certainly divorcing her.

I'm a barbarian. The gentleman you are referring to is not.


----------



## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> This forum is great because it’s free counseling but it’s made me realize that it’s hard to give advice that works for a particular stranger because we are all completely different, and the advice I give would work for Me. But maybe not for other women. As for all the men here giving divorce advice, ask them if they are happier since being divorced...


Nope. If you were involved in an affair and your husband suddenly did everything you wanted him to do, that would not work. You think it would now, because that's what you want now. But if there were another man in the picture, your attention would be drawn away from your husband and onto that other man. Your husband doing a pick me dance would have an entirely different impact on you than you currently think it would. Based on your posts that I have read I believe you would try to play them both and get what you could from each man thinking all along that you deserved it because you are so desirable and they should be honored to have your attention. Or you would simply dumb your husband and stick with the man you thought was meeting your needs. That's how it works with cheaters. Hopefully you won't become a cheater, since you have admitted on these forums that you've thought about trying to get the attention of other men.

A cheater needs to know that they can't have both. Either they stop the affair and work on the marriage or the marriage is over. If anything is going to work, that's it.


----------



## farsidejunky

Missmilly said:


> Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


The stakes are simply too high to assume it's anything other than a full-blown emotional affair. In fact, being protective of her phone is indicative of such.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.


Hahaha
Oh yes, us dumb religious folks from the back woods. Good grief. You don't know what you're talking about.

Personally, I lived in Canada before I lived in the states. I live in Washington State. Not exactly a bastion of conservative ideals. I am, however, not only a Christian, but a conservative. My advice is not the norm that Christians normally give. Christians normally give speeches about forgiveness and so forth. I believe in forgiveness, but I do not believe in enabling those who are engaged in harmful behavior. I believe in calling people on it, exposing it, and telling them to stop.


----------



## StillSearching

Missmilly said:


> Yes i totally agree. *But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings * because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


If your right, is that not even worse than a affair?
If that's possible?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

andrewh said:


> That's a good point. Yes I will need to do something like that as well. She is very reclusive. Doesn't like people or crowds, doesn't like being in the spotlight. So dazzling her to drop her jaw I will need to put some thought into. She doesn't like jewelry, and I asked to get her a different wedding ring since hers doesn't fit anymore since she lost some weight and she said she hasn't felt married in a couple years anyway. She doesn't like rings that will snag on anything. Do you think if I found a ring in the parameters I know she would like and surprised her with it as something like an I want to start our life over purposal she would love it? Or should I listen to the part when she said she hasn't felt married to don't bother yet?


This doesnt work, dont do this. She will crush you.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Missmilly said:


> This forum is great because it’s free counseling but it’s made me realize that it’s hard to give advice that works for a particular stranger because we are all completely different, and the advice I give would work for Me. But maybe not for other women. *As for all the men here giving divorce advice, ask them if they are happier since being divorced...*


That answer would be a loud, resounding YES. 

Its crystal clear you have zero experience with infidelity.


----------



## ConanHub

CynthiaDe said:


> Hahaha
> Oh yes, us dumb religious folks from the back woods. Good grief. You don't know what you're talking about.
> 
> Personally, I lived in Canada before I lived in the states. I live in Washington State. Not exactly a bastion of conservative ideals. I am, however, not only a Christian, but a conservative. My advice is not the norm that Christians normally give. Christians normally give speeches about forgiveness and so forth. I believe in forgiveness, but I do not believe in enabling those who are engaged in harmful behavior. I believe in calling people on it, exposing it, and telling them to stop.


I have seen so many marriages and lives destroyed over that nonsense. I have even seen multiple suicides as well by men trying to martyr themselves on the alter of their worthless wives' perfidy.

I think they need to read about God's passion for his bride. He might lay down his life for her but he also spanks the hell out of her if she misbehaves.


----------



## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


She is having an emotional affair. Her husband knows that she is texting another man. She is hiding these texts from him and since engaging in this behavior with the other man, she has stopped being affectionate with her husband. That is how affairs work. It is likely that she has moved beyond emotional and is probably physically engaging with him as well.

Faking an affair to get a reaction out of one's spouse is highly manipulative. It is also abusive behavior. If that's what she's doing, she needs to stop it. But pretty much everyone here, except you, know that she's not faking.

Yes, she has been hurt. There is no need to yell at her or be abusive to her in any way. Demanding to see the phone (not by yelling, but telling her to give up the phone) and taking a stand on this doesn't have to be an angry brawl. It's about calmly taking a position of strength and making healthy choices. Exposing the affair is one of the best ways to put an end to it. Affairs are based on fantasy. Once pressure is introduced into the relationship it moves into reality and it becomes clear that it's not all it was fantasized to be.


----------



## Bibi1031

Missmilly said:


> And just to add, I would personally forgive an emotional affair if I had treated someone like **** for years...


:nono::nono::nono:

She broke her vows when anther man gave her some attention. She went along with it instead of holding on to those vows. She absolutely has had a right to walk away from the marriage if it was that terrible, but falling for another's attention is a terrible thing to do too. They are both wrong. 

Why did she wait until she had another man in the wings instead of leaving him before she gave her emotions to another? He can't compete with the affair high she is on right now. It is very addictive to her. Exposure helps the affair come to light and the intoxicating allure of it dissipates when reality comes to light. She won't be able to lie that it was his cruelty alone that caused this mess. She was tempted and fell right in like a fool. She must be held accountable for her transgressions too. Please let her father know. You must do this for your children. You two have made some grave mistakes and this marriage may end up being toast, but you must be honest about owning each others mistakes in this mess. 

Expose the affair to her dad please, and request to see all the texts and phone interactions with OM, sister, and her friend as well. There is no privacy in marriage period! If she refuses please file for divorce and make your lawyer write infidelity on why you are devorcing. 

It will not matter as that will not count in court, but it will give her a huge wake up call. Look up emotional affairs and have her read just how toxic and detrimental it is to any marriage. She ****ed up royally too!


----------



## Bibi1031

Missmilly said:


> Leave her dad alone she is a grown woman and you don’t need to punish her after hurting her so many years


He is NOT punishing her, he is trying to stop a third party from putting the last nail to bury this marriage. Please stop making him feel 100% responsible for past mistakes. The emotional affair his wife is in is just as terrible and devastating. It could be the real reason why this marriage is too far gone to be saved. 

Not just friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a fabulous read and explains how toxic and detrimental emotional affairs are to marriages.


----------



## farsidejunky

OP:

Your marriage cannot recover with another man in the picture.

The single most effective way to end an affair is exposure.

Before you expose, you must have a good grasp of how deep this affair has gone.

It is incredibly simple, yet not easy in any way, shape, or form.

"Wife, can we talk? Here, let's sit down. I would like to see your phone."

Her reaction will tell you much. If she refuses to turn over her phone, shrug your shoulders and walk away. Don't argue with her. Don't make any accusations. 

Take the next couple of days to get your legal ducks in a row. Consult with an attorney. Prepare to separate finances. Know everything that you need to know about how to move forward to divorce your wife.

Simultaneously, you need to be obtaining information, with your mouth closed, and your eyes/ears open. Take a close look at your phone bill. Access her phone without her permission. Snoop to obtain what you need in order to confirm the depth of the affair.

Once you have that identified, expose to a few key people, such as her parents, your parents, the spouse of the other man if he has one, etc. Kill the affair.

That is how you fight for your marriage when your partner is in an affair.

Or you can just say to heck with it, and serve her divorce papers.

It really just depends on what you are willing to tolerate.




Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Chuck71

A certain poster will leave once the stage has been taken away.

#ignorebutton


----------



## Bibi1031

Missmilly said:


> Seriously OP titled his post “please Help save my marriage” Not “give me some divorce advice”


He can't save a marriage with a third party in it! Third party has to go FIRST! It is that simple.


----------



## EveningThoughts

You and your wife are not at the same place yet.

You have suddenly woken up and seen the damage to your relationship. 
Whilst your wife already knew and has resigned herself to it.

New wedding rings or renewing vows won't work at this point. And I suspect that she might feel any sudden lavish gifts would feel false.

If she is enjoying the attention of someone else, that can be quite intoxicating. It doesn't necessarily mean it's an emotional or physical affair yet and maybe she does just want you to know that she has admirers. 
But she also could be consumed by new feelings and falling quickly for this colleague. 
Then your words or actions will be hardly noticed whilst she is in this exciting head and heart place. 

You did say she had changed during the last few weeks though. So it looks like your battle to repair and save your marriage might have just gotten harder.

You need to know what you are up against. A damaged relationship to repair is one thing. A neglected wife having an affair is another thing entirely.


----------



## Missmilly

CynthiaDe said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.
> 
> 
> 
> She is having an emotional affair. Her husband knows that she is texting another man. She is hiding these texts from him and since engaging in this behavior with the other man, she has stopped being affectionate with her husband. That is how affairs work. It is likely that she has moved beyond emotional and is probably physically engaging with him as well.
> 
> Faking an affair to get a reaction out of one's spouse is highly manipulative. It is also abusive behavior. If that's what she's doing, she needs to stop it. But pretty much everyone here, except you, know that she's not faking.
> 
> Yes, she has been hurt. There is no need to yell at her or be abusive to her in any way. Demanding to see the phone (not by yelling, but telling her to give up the phone) and taking a stand on this doesn't have to be an angry brawl. It's about calmly taking a position of strength and making healthy choices. Exposing the affair is one of the best ways to put an end to it. Affairs are based on fantasy. Once pressure is introduced into the relationship it moves into reality and it becomes clear that it's not all it was fantasized to be.
Click to expand...


Alright well then I’m completely off. I still sense that most of the OP’s post was focused on his own mistakes, and now he is not sure if she is having an emotional affair. They are still intimate, and he wants to work it out. OP, can we know more, like did you confront her about the «* affair*»? Was it an affair? Even with my complete lack of infidelity experience and all, I still believe she is faking it and she is manipulative, coming from a place of hurt. To be continued..


----------



## Missmilly

CynthiaDe said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.
> 
> 
> 
> Hahaha
> Oh yes, us dumb religious folks from the back woods. Good grief. You don't know what you're talking about.
> 
> Personally, I lived in Canada before I lived in the states. I live in Washington State. Not exactly a bastion of conservative ideals. I am, however, not only a Christian, but a conservative. My advice is not the norm that Christians normally give. Christians normally give speeches about forgiveness and so forth. I believe in forgiveness, but I do not believe in enabling those who are engaged in harmful behavior. I believe in calling people on it, exposing it, and telling them to stop.
Click to expand...

Never called you dumb. Actually half my family is evangelical. But I feel like quoting the Bible to fix a relationship never works.


----------



## Cynthia

EveningThoughts said:


> You need to know what you are up against. A damaged relationship to repair is one thing. A neglected wife having an affair is another thing entirely.


Truth. ^^^^^

@andrewh, Consider who you are receiving advice from. We are strangers, but despite that, some of us have been posting here for years and have seen the impact of certain behaviors on the success or failure of marriages. Many of us have been married for a long time, some of us were married and divorced, but have a lot of life experience. We may not always see eye to eye, but you will find that those who have experience in these matters who aren't coming from a position of bitterness will all tell you that trying to nice back a wayward spouse does not work. That doesn't translate into being mean to your spouse. No one is saying that. 

No one is suggesting you start a war with your wife. What we are saying is that she doesn't have your back and it's vital you recognize that now; before it's too late. You can be kind and patient with her while also holding her accountable for her behavior. You have both made mistakes. You neglected your wife. That's a death knoll for marriage, but you have realized your mistake and are willing to work on doing your part in the marriage.

Someone else mentioned that helping around the house is not what you are doing. If you are unemployed and your wife is working full time, doing housework is your personal responsibility not something you are doing out of the kindness of your heart. These are the kinds of backwards attitudes that need to be resolved, but you don't know what you don't know, so we are here to help you with that part.

Please do not take silly advice about trying to compete with the other man. That is foolishness. Yes, many people try that route, but it doesn't work. I've been married for 34 years and in that time I've seen a lot of marriages come and go. In the marriages where people kept the truth hidden and did not draw a line in the sand, it rarely turned out well. People need to know that their behavior has consequences or they just keep on doing what they are doing. If your wife thinks you're going to put up with this or that you're going to try to sweep her off her feet, she's not going to stop. That only encourages her to keep it up.


----------



## Chuck71

farsidejunky said:


> OP:
> 
> Your marriage cannot recover with another man in the picture.
> 
> The single most effective way to end an affair is exposure.
> 
> Before you expose, you must have a good grasp of how deep this affair has gone.
> 
> It is incredibly simple, yet not easy in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> "Wife, can we talk? Here, let's sit down. I would like to see your phone."
> 
> Her reaction will tell you much. If she refuses to turn over her phone, shrug your shoulders and walk away. Don't argue with her. Don't make any accusations.
> 
> Take the next couple of days to get your legal ducks in a row. Consult with an attorney. Prepare to separate finances. Know everything that you need to know about how to move forward to divorce your wife.
> 
> Simultaneously, you need to be obtaining information, with your mouth closed, and your eyes/ears open. Take a close look at your phone bill. Access her phone without her permission. Snoop to obtain what you need in order to confirm the depth of the affair.
> 
> Once you have that identified, expose to a few key people, such as her parents, your parents, the spouse of the other man if he has one, etc. Kill the affair.
> 
> That is how you fight for your marriage when your partner is in an affair.
> 
> Or you can just say to heck with it, and serve her divorce papers.
> 
> It really just depends on what you are willing to tolerate.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


And....if you decide to D her, ensure her she can keep her phone. Maybe the D will move swifter


----------



## Cynthia

Missmilly said:


> Never called you dumb. Actually half my family is evangelical. But I feel like quoting the Bible to fix a relationship never works.


Perhaps you don't realize how you come across, but that's exactly how it sounded to me especially after calling one member a crackpot. You are not coming across well.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

andrewh said:


> Im 100% in for changing anything that needs to be done. I have been trying to do more for her around the house and she said it irritates her cause she doesn't want to feel like im her servant. *She also said she wants things to just be normal. Exactly how they used to be. Which doesn't make sense to me because I was neglecting her during those times*.


What she is telling you is that she wants to continue planning her exit from the marriage while having an affair without your interfering.


----------



## Missmilly

CynthiaDe said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Never called you dumb. Actually half my family is evangelical. But I feel like quoting the Bible to fix a relationship never works.
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps you don't realize how you come across, but that's exactly how it sounded to me especially after calling one member a crackpot. You are not coming across well.
Click to expand...

Ok well I am sorry, I am really not trying to come accros rude. Will be better with my words!


----------



## Bibi1031

Missmilly said:


> Ok well I am sorry, I am really not trying to come accros rude. Will be better with my words!


We all get emotionally involved because we ALL care,. But we need to try and respect each other in order to keep the peace. 

OP ( original poster) will decide what can and can not work for his situation. He knows his wife's emotional affair needs to go. He is on target right there. Nothing he does to win her back will work because she in NOT emotionally invested in her relationship with OP. Her allegiance is with OM ( other man). 

Oh my goodness, just knowing another man exists in this marriage is painful for me to write; it must be mind boggling and cruel for OP to accept. The power of a third person in the middle of a marriage with two kids is probably the worst thing that could happen in a neuclear family. An atomic bomb just got dropped on this 4 member family, and it was not absentee husband that detonated it. It was remorseless, unfaithful wife using husband's past transgressions as an excuse for her infidelity. 

Two wrongs a right will NEVER make!

She just compounded this mess times a hundred! What a darn foolish move on her part. Now the only way out is either to end the affair and quit her job, or lose the marriage and impact the innocent kids that didn't ask for any of this.

That is why people that have affairs at work should be aware that you don't poop where you eat so to speak. She cannot stay in that job! No freaking way can she stay if the marriage stands a chance.


----------



## x598

OP

you painted a pretty bleak picture of your treatment of your marriage when you were so focused on your job.

I want to ask you something.....is this your wife's description or yours?

there is a term thrown around here called "re-writing history". its often used by waywards (CHEATERS in my book) to justify what they are doing. In many cases as the affair progresses, the cheaters will drum up and amplify every little wrong they have suffered (many times imagined by the cheater). And even worse, you are now on an "uneven" playing field.....its all rainbows and unicorns with the affair partner and you are battling a river of overblown accusations and conjured situations that will grown in intensity. 

others have said there is ZERO chance of honesty addressing issues/problems in your marriage while there is a third party involved and I agree.

if your treatment of here was so horrible she could have left the relationship....but didn't. that tiny fact completely undermines her credibility. getting into in affair cheapens her authenticity of her complaints with you.

your posts have all the classic red flag waring signs that she is deeply emotionally connected to this person and its higly probably she is sleeping with him.

sorry but you need to take an entirely different approach to handling this situation you are in. read up in the coping with infidelity section and see how your story matches up with so many others that fin themselves in your situation


----------



## Cynthia

@No Longer Lonely Husband and @farsidejunky,
I think it might be helpful for the OP to see your threads. Your situations were vastly different, but you took the same kind of approach of holding your spouses accountable for their bad behavior. You have both also taken responsibility for your own parts in the marriage problems and sought to work with your wives to make better and healthier marriages. Would you each mind posting links to your threads so the OP can see how it works? Your threads are full of real life examples of how you did it.

I think some people think the approach we are advocating is about getting angry and taking down the spouse, but that's not it at all. It's about not sticking one's head in the sand, but facing reality and dealing with it head on in a reasoned manner.

Burning a bed may not seem reasonable, but it is. It is a blazing metaphor that brings reality home.


----------



## ConanHub

Hey OP.

How is your head?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

CynthiaDe, I had to request removal of my thread at request of legal counsel due a certain situation with POSOM,(long story I cant discuss). MC said it was probably good, too, to do so. However, I can affirm being timid will accomplish absolutely nothing. Yeah, now I wish I had not burned that bed, but it drove home my point that I was pissed. I hope I never get that angry again. 

The advice I received on this site did not seem logical at first, but once put into practice did the trick. I had to fake it till I made it so to speak. It was hard to be indifferent until I really came to grips with the situation at hand. @andrewh had better get a handle on things or there will be no chance of saving his marriage. If he digs down deep inside of himself he can do it.

Andrew, I would strongly encourage you to expose if you wish to save your marriage. But get her phone by any means necessary and find you a technologically savvy individual and see what she has been texting. Gather all information you can. In a situation such as you are in knowledge is critical, and knowledge is power. Snoop around the house for lingerie you may not recognize or in the trunk of her car. I found some racy lingerie in a closet in our guest bedroom which confirmed my suspicions amongst other things.

Personally, if it was me, I would pay the OM a social call and ask what the hell he is doing texting a married woman. A woman who happens to be his wife.


----------



## lucy999

Missmilly said:


> Okay, I’m just saying I don’t see the point in burning a bed. I’m starting to get the feeling that a lot of members here are from the middle states, the Christian «*belt*» of the USA......nothing wrong with that just completely different upbringing than someone from canada who views religion as pretty stories rather than a way to dictate ones life.


I live in the midwest and am an agnostic. And I subscribe wholeheartedly to the majority opinion on this thread. I would've burned the bed, too.


----------



## Cynthia

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> CynthiaDe, I had to request removal of my thread at request of legal counsel due a certain situation with POSOM,(long story I cant discuss). MC said it was probably good, too, to do so. However, I can affirm being timid will accomplish absolutely nothing. Yeah, now I wish I had not burned that bed, but it drove home my point that I was pissed. I hope I never get that angry again.


That's too bad. There was so much good advice in there and so many examples of how it worked.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Missmilly said:


> Alright well then I’m completely off.


 The first accurate thing you have posted on this thread.

How long have you been married *MISS* Milly?

@andrewh
How you doin' bud?
Come back and let us know how you're coping.


----------



## Missmilly

Rubix Cubed said:


> Missmilly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Alright well then I’m completely off.
> 
> 
> 
> The first accurate thing you have posted on this thread.
> 
> How long have you been married *MISS* Milly?
> 
> @andrewh
> How you doin' bud?
> Come back and let us know how you're coping.
Click to expand...

Lol... since November ! HOWEVER I am looking to start studying to become a couple therapist


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Missmilly said:


> Lol... since November ! HOWEVER I am looking to start studying to become a couple therapist


 Seriously?
Have you ever thought of veterinary school?


----------



## ConanHub

Where's Waldo?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

ConanHub said:


> Where's Waldo?


Conan,

He probably feels we are beating up on him. I know I did at first as boy howdy did I get some lumber to my head from some wise posters. I needed it, too. Helped me get out of the funk I was in and take the necessary action. @andrewh, please do not take offense sir. We are the folks who have been there and done that. 

I will be the first to admit I was weak as a kitten as I was shaken to my core. Made several tactical mistakes initially, blaming myself, trying to romance her back,etc. I have taken a round and that wound did not hurt at all compared to the pain of my wife’s betrayal. I and others have a pretty good idea where your head is at currently. 

There are no unwinnable situations. You must develop a battle plan. Consider getting yourself a pad of paper and make a checklist of what you need to do. It is imperative you hack her phone. The truth lies there.
While she is asleep take her phone. Hide it until you get it to a professional who can crack the code. You are at war for your marriage.


----------



## Cynthia

One of the hardest aspect of this is when a betrayed spouse loves his wife and wants to win her back, rather do what he feels might drive him away. It can be extremely difficult to see that trying to win a wayward back will usually have the opposite impact, because that person is involved with someone else and in a fantasy world with the other man/woman. I can imagine that @andrewh is feeling that way now. 

All of this can be confusing to process. A betrayed spouse comes here to find out how to win his wife back and hears things that sound counterintuitive to doing that.

But what you are hearing from the majority of us is what actually is most likely to work. Nothing will work 100% of the time, but if you truly want to save your marriage you are going to have to be willing to lose it. Continuing along the lines of what you have been doing is likely to drive her away.

While it is true that she may become angry or even enraged when you stop allowing her to pull the wool over your eyes, that isn't your fault. People get angry when they get caught. But that is usually the only way they are ever going to come clean or repent. If someone never admits what they are doing, they are unlikely to ever stop doing it. The reason why people change is that staying the same is uncomfortable. Making her comfortable in her betrayal isn't going to save your marriage.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> *Personally, if it was me, I would pay the OM a social call and ask what the hell he is doing texting a married woman. A woman who happens to be his wife.*




Been waiting for someone to recommend this. I agree 1000% percent; however, be smart about this Andrew - my situation a while back was not too dissimilar and I went a little overboard and it ended up costing me in the long run but could have been worse all things considering. You know this guys number, you can find out where he lives. Call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay way from your wife. Then work on fixing things with your woman. Hope thinhs work out for you.


----------



## Cynthia

SongoftheSouth said:


> [/B]
> 
> Been waiting for someone to recommend this. I agree 1000% percent; however, be smart about this Andrew - my situation a while back was not too dissimilar and I went a little overboard and it ended up costing me in the long run but could have been worse all things considering. You know this guys number, you can find out where he lives. Call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay way from your wife. Then work on fixing things with your woman. Hope thinhs work out for you.


This is a reasonable thing to do. No threats are necessary. Simply tell the man that you are married to the woman he is pursuing and that makes him a terrible person who is trying to break up your family and break your children's hearts. I've seen it work. There are various factors to this. #1 it shocks the other man out of the fantasy world where the woman belongs to him alone. #2 it opens his eyes to the fact the there is a real husband and real children involved in this who he is complicit in harming.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

CynthiaDe said:


> This is a reasonable thing to do. No threats are necessary. Simply tell the man that you are married to the woman he is pursuing and that makes him a terrible person who is trying to break up your family and break your children's hearts. I've seen it work. There are various factors to this. #1 it shocks the other man out of the fantasy world where the woman belongs to him alone. #2 it opens his eyes to the fact the there is a real husband and real children involved in this who he is complicit in harming.


Cynthia were was ya when I needed you a few years ago LOL. needed someone to tell me a better approach than what I did. Anyhow Andrew tell this guy to stay the f**k way from your wife!!!


----------



## Cynthia

SongoftheSouth said:


> Cynthia were was ya when I needed you a few years ago LOL. needed someone to tell me a better approach than what I did. Anyhow Andrew tell this guy to stay the f**k way from your wife!!!


It took me far too long to understand these things, but I've been learning and seeing how this stuff works in real life. Hopefully sharing what I've learned with others is of help to some.


----------



## Chuck71

OP..... what has happened, has happened. You can only move forward. You have recommitted to

the M. She is engaging with another man. You know this. He must go for your M to have a chance.

My advice is two-fold. Ask to see her phone. If she says no, smile and walk away.

Wait an hour.... ask her again. If she says no, place D papers in her lap, with your parts signed.

-Honey are you @#%%$ serious?- "Try me"

Then....you may get answers. What type of answers.... can't say. But she will show her hand, that I promise.

Only then will you truly know where you stand.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

SongoftheSouth said:


> [/B]
> Been waiting for someone to recommend this. I agree 1000% percent; however, be smart about this Andrew - my situation a while back was not too dissimilar and I went a little overboard and it ended up costing me in the long run but could have been worse all things considering. You know this guys number, you can find out where he lives. Call him and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay way from your wife. Then work on fixing things with your woman. Hope thinhs work out for you.


You know, I would recommend doing something like this if it was your 14 year old daughter and some slob was sniffing around her inappropriately. Then big daddy SHOULD come in and protect his little girl.

But that is not the case at all here.

She's a grown ass *woman*, not some child who needs to be protected. 

*And* as a grown ass woman, she's CHOOSING and ENCOURAGING and actively PARTICIPATING in staying romantically engaged with this guy. And _that_ means she *wants *his attention and is seeking it. And unless I missed it, the OP hasn't said one single thing about her crying and cringing in fear and claiming she doesn't want the attention of this other guy. Nor has he said anything about her begging him to protect her from this 'predator.'

Therefore, she's engaging with this guy because she *wants* to. Period.

There is NO pride or dignity at ALL in the OP chasing down some guy and telling him to stay away from his wife when *SHE'S the one happily engaging with him*. It just makes the OP look like a desperate, weak fool who can't get his own wife to stop chasing someone else and respect him on his own merits so he has to go strong-arm the _other_ party into stopping it. OP, do you honestly think she's going to magically love you just because you scared off her boyfriend? I mean, seriously? The whole reason he exists is because she's so unhappy, so she's not going to snap out of some fake 'fog' and suddenly love you again. Scaring him off isn't going to solve your problems. I mean, come on.

He's not your problem, OP. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your wife's complete disrespect and disregard towards YOU is your problem.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You know, I would recommend doing something like this if it was your 14 year old daughter and some slob was sniffing around her inappropriately. Then big daddy SHOULD come in and protect his little girl.
> 
> But that is not the case at all here.
> 
> She's a grown ass *woman*, not some child who needs to be protected.
> 
> *And* as a grown ass woman, she's CHOOSING and ENCOURAGING and actively PARTICIPATING in staying romantically engaged with this guy. And _that_ means she *wants *his attention and is seeking it. And unless I missed it, the OP hasn't said one single thing about her crying and cringing in fear and claiming she doesn't want the attention of this other guy. Nor has he said anything about her begging him to protect her from this 'predator.'
> 
> Therefore, she's engaging with this guy because she *wants* to. Period.
> 
> There is NO pride or dignity at ALL in the OP chasing down some guy and telling him to stay away from his wife when *SHE'S the one happily engaging with him*. It just makes the OP look like a desperate, weak fool who can't get his own wife to stop chasing someone else and respect him on his own merits so he has to go strong-arm the _other_ party into stopping it. OP, do you honestly think she's going to magically love you just because you scared off her boyfriend? I mean, seriously? The whole reason he exists is because she's so unhappy, so she's not going to snap out of some fake 'fog' and suddenly love you again. Scaring him off isn't going to solve your problems. I mean, come on.
> 
> He's not your problem, OP. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your wife's complete disrespect and disregard towards YOU is your problem.


What you post about his wife being the problem is correct, however, the POSOM should not be messing with a married mother pure and simple. Sometimes you have to go to war on POSOM if you desire to save your marriage, you have to have two fronts in this battle.>


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

@andrewh, fear not. You are stronger than you realize. You know your wife better than we do, but please do not play the pick me game. You are guaranteed to lose each time you do it. Times like you are experiencing require bold and forceful measures on your part if you do indeed desire to save your marriage. Do not worry about what other think. Do what you think is right for you whether it be D or R. Three is a crowd in any marriage.

I know where your head is at as I have been there. Your emotions are like a rollercoaster, and you likely have what I referred to during my struggle as “mental tornadoes”. Get yourself to the gym and hit the weights. Get a punching bag. These are great stress relievers.

Please do not hit the bottle. Only magnifies the issue at hand. Good luck to you in whatever direction you choose.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Missmilly said:


> Yes i totally agree. But I’m my humble opinion, the wife is not actually having an affair. I felt like she is pretending to be in order to hurt his feelings because he had hurt hers. If she’s actually really cheating and really emotionally involved somewhere else then yes, all the other advice work ( except for putting fire to a bed) but from what I read, she is not really having an affair.


Miss Milly, highly improbable. There are way too many red flags in his story. She is in a huge EA the likely turned into a PA in this southern gentleman’s opinion,


----------



## skerzoid

Wrong thread, sorry.


----------



## TRy

andrewh said:


> But noticed while she was sitting next to me she is texting another guy from work. I didn't say anything until this morning and she said he is a genuinely nice guy who said he had feelings for her, and if she wasn't married might feel the same. What is that? How are we supposed to work on things if she spends the whole weekend texting this guy even while sitting next to me? I don't want to keep pushing her but I cannot in my mind let that go. PLEASE someone give me some advise. Thank you


 Please ask Moderators to merge the two threads on the same topic that you posted.

This other man ("OM") and your wife text constantly, and he has told her that he has feelings for her which he clearly is seeking to develop; she appreciates his attention, and has told you that she can see herself having feeling for him. If you look up the meaning of the term emotional affair ("EA"), you will see that she is in an EA with this OM at the very least. Since a large percentage of EAs turn into physical affairs ("PA"), there is a good chance that this could go physical if it has not already. An EA is cheating even if it has not yet gone physical. 

You have zero chance of fixing your marriage as long as she is in an affair. Tell her that you are only willing to work on the marriage if she is too, and that to work on the marriage she must end her EA with the other man. This means full 100% no contact with the other man, and an agreement to 100% transparency between the two of you. Then ask her to give you her phone so that you can read the texts and see how serious her relationship with the other man is. If she refuses claiming a false right to privacy, tell her that there is no right to privacy between spouses when another man is involved. Also tell her that those with nothing to hide, hide nothing, and that not giving you her phone prior to her having a chance to delete texts, confirms that she definitely knows that she is cheating on you with her OM. At this point you must be willing to end your marriage in order to have a chance at having a marriage worth saving, and you should communicate this with her. You must mean it and be prepared for her give you the **** test over this, meaning she will call your bluff to see if you back down.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> What you post about his wife being the problem is correct, however, the POSOM should not be messing with a married mother pure and simple. Sometimes you have to go to war on POSOM if you desire to save your marriage, you have to have two fronts in this battle.>


 I respectfully agree to disagree on this.

If the *only* way to get my husband to stop cheating on me is to go scare off his girlfriend so she 'breaks up with him,' then what have I really won? I'm basically the consolation prize for a cheater at that point. I'll be getting stuck with someone who still feels the same way toward her and still wants her, but he can't have her anymore *only* because I ruined it for him, not because he suddenly wanted ME again. 

I honestly can't imagine swallowing so much of my pride that I'd go scare off the OW just so I could 'win' back someone who CLEARLY was more than *willing *to risk losing me in the first place.

Nope. Ain't gonna do it. :laugh:


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> What you post about his wife being the problem is correct, however, the POSOM should not be messing with a married mother pure and simple. Sometimes you have to go to war on POSOM if you desire to save your marriage, you have to have two fronts in this battle.


 I respectfully agree to disagree on this.

If the *only* way to get my husband to stop cheating on me is to go scare off his girlfriend so she 'breaks up with him,' then what have I really won? I'm basically the consolation prize for a cheater at that point. I'll be getting stuck with someone who still feels the same way toward her and still wants her, but he can't have her anymore *only* because I ruined it for him, not because he suddenly wanted ME again. 

I honestly can't imagine swallowing so much of my pride that I'd go scare off the OW just so I could 'win' back someone who CLEARLY was more than *willing *to risk losing me in the first place.

Nope. Ain't gonna do it.


----------



## ConanHub

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I respectfully agree to disagree on this.
> 
> If the *only* way to get my husband to stop cheating on me is to go scare off his girlfriend so she 'breaks up with him,' then what have I really won? I'm basically the consolation prize for a cheater at that point. I'll be getting stuck with someone who still feels the same way toward her and still wants her, but he can't have her anymore *only* because I ruined it for him, not because he suddenly wanted ME again.
> 
> I honestly can't imagine swallowing so much of my pride that I'd go scare off the OW just so I could 'win' back someone who CLEARLY was more than *willing *to risk losing me in the first place.
> 
> Nope. Ain't gonna do it.


I definitely get where your coming from and respect your take on it.

I can't help but agree with confrontation of some sort. If someone wants to impose on a family, they should have to at least face the family they think it is funny to harm.

I am pretty easy going about a lot of things but I am ruthlessly territorial about my family.

My Mrs. wouldn't behave this way and I would never have let my marriage get to the point that OP has but I would make someone face me who wanted to hurt my family. Dealing with my wife would be a different matter.

I deal with intruders differently than those that are already members of my family.

My wife would have much more to answer for and much more consideration as well than anyone stupid enough to trespass.

Mrs. C is territorial as well and it has worked pretty good at discouraging orbiters.

I also don't think a man should be able to take another man's woman without being willing to fight for her.

Primal, barbaric, true. A large part of my wife's very strong attraction to me is my willingness to fight for her, to own her and take possession of as well as defend what is mine.

I'm not even n favor of fighting for someone in every situation.

Everyone has their own boundaries but I can't fault those who choose to fight for their families.


----------



## SunCMars

@No Longer Lonely Husband 



> What you post about his wife being the problem is correct, however, the POSOM should not be messing with a married mother pure and simple. Sometimes you have to go to war on POSOM if you desire to save your marriage, you have to have two fronts in this battle.





She'sStillGotIt said:


> I respectfully agree to disagree on this. If the *only* way to get my husband to stop cheating on me is to go scare off his girlfriend so she 'breaks up with him,' then what have I really won? I'm basically the consolation prize for a cheater at that point. I'll be getting stuck with someone who still feels the same way toward her and still wants her, but he can't have her anymore *only* because I ruined it for him, not because he suddenly wanted ME again.
> 
> I honestly can't imagine swallowing so much of my pride that I'd go scare off the OW just so I could 'win' back someone who CLEARLY was more than *willing *to risk losing me in the first place.
> 
> Nope. Ain't gonna do it. :laugh:


Based on the above:

*Were this me.*

Note: I read both sides, appreciated both opinions, yet can only accept one.

Yes, though your wife disrespected you, you must not threaten bodily harm to a female, even a cheating one.

Now, the male, he gets no pass, he should receive the wrath, up close and painful.

This is not winning back a cheating spouse, this is defending your honor.
The honor tread on by thoughtless fools, as these.

An honor, stolen equally by a wayward wife and a ‘daring and presumptuous’ POSOM.

If you take from me, I will take something back in return. This is not swallowing pride, this is reclaiming such as this.

Granted, in today’s litigious society, the legal ramifications of violence rendered will be sever.
Short of actually striking him, you could press your nose into his and spit in his face.
This will lead to a lesser charge.

Then, quickly following, leaving the WS in yesterday’s ovule dustbin, offering not one polite goodbye.

Some storms will force themselves past, others cannot be allowed to die from inactivity.

Then again, there is always tomorrow.
Putting off till another day, not forgetting, rather, being patient.
Tomorrow is another day, another plot to savor, work on, and execute.




[The Helmsman]- These words taken from UlyssesHeart- he never forgetting, never forgiving.


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## Taxman

Andrew put me in Nolongerlonelyhusband's camp. I have been around this for over forty years off and on. In situations as you describe, you need to be in the drivers seat. To that end, I suggest a word or two with the AP. Do not be afraid to get into his face. Oh, and he may have family, and they may not be very happy with him messing with a married woman. And as a final nail in his coffin, threaten to inform their employer. He may not want to lose a job just because there is a potential for a new squeeze. 

Now, one of my clients did this. He told the OM that either he backs off, or the consequences would be dire. The OM laughed at him. My client did not give half a damn, and levelled both the OM's and his wife's world. He lost his employment, and he had a side business that was shuttered in under a month. The wife's employment ended, and her reputation was completely destroyed. OM showed up at my client's home to beg him to lay off. The OM was told to move. GTFO of this province and do not come back. He moved across country to restart. He will think twice before ever going after a married woman. 

One realizes that you are dependent on her income, however, keep this in your back pocket for when you are secure. Tell the OM that you will not hesitate to wreck his world.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Taxman said:


> Andrew put me in Nolongerlonelyhusband's camp. I have been around this for over forty years off and on. In situations as you describe, you need to be in the drivers seat. To that end, I suggest a word or two with the AP. Do not be afraid to get into his face. Oh, and he may have family, and they may not be very happy with him messing with a married woman. And as a final nail in his coffin, threaten to inform their employer. He may not want to lose a job just because there is a potential for a new squeeze.
> 
> Now, one of my clients did this. He told the OM that either he backs off, or the consequences would be dire. The OM laughed at him. My client did not give half a damn, and levelled both the OM's and his wife's world. He lost his employment, and he had a side business that was shuttered in under a month. The wife's employment ended, and her reputation was completely destroyed. OM showed up at my client's home to beg him to lay off. The OM was told to move. GTFO of this province and do not come back. He moved across country to restart. He will think twice before ever going after a married woman.
> 
> One realizes that you are dependent on her income, however, keep this in your back pocket for when you are secure. Tell the OM that you will not hesitate to wreck his world.


Sometimes it is necessary to go scorched earth as General Sherman did on his march to Atlanta. I for one would make his life a living hell on earth. He who does not wish to be f’d With does not F’ over.


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## NobodySpecial

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I respectfully agree to disagree on this.
> 
> If the *only* way to get my husband to stop cheating on me is to go scare off his girlfriend so she 'breaks up with him,' then what have I really won? I'm basically the consolation prize for a cheater at that point. I'll be getting stuck with someone who still feels the same way toward her and still wants her, but he can't have her anymore *only* because I ruined it for him, not because he suddenly wanted ME again.
> 
> I honestly can't imagine swallowing so much of my pride that I'd go scare off the OW just so I could 'win' back someone who CLEARLY was more than *willing *to risk losing me in the first place.
> 
> Nope. Ain't gonna do it.


Not to mention it won't work to achieve anything useful.


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## NobodySpecial

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Sometimes it is necessary to go scorched earth as General Sherman did on his march to Atlanta. I for one would make his life a living hell on earth. He who does not wish to be f’d With does not F’ over.


It is usual for whom and to achieve what? It might temporarily make the BS feel better. Otherwise, it is hard to see what benefit it would have.


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## MattMatt

Missmilly said:


> Lol... since November ! HOWEVER I am looking to start studying to become a couple therapist


Please don't. I think the training will damage your natural empathetic abilities.


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## ConanHub

NobodySpecial said:


> It is usual for whom and to achieve what? It might temporarily make the BS feel better. Otherwise, it is hard to see what benefit it would have.


Seeing as how it worked in his life, mine and others in real life, your opposition to it makes very little sense.

This isn't theory being advised but proven actions with proven results.

I could understand your criticism and doubt about his actions if his actions did not get results but they did. I have also seen it work in my own life as well as that of others.


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## Taxman

It is not a question of winning. It is a question of keeping the conflict between the spouses without extraneous influences. I have seen this a number of times, and without the OM/OW fanning flames, the betrayed spouse has a better than even chance of making the right decision. Whether or not it is reconciliation or separation, the decision can be made AFTER the third party is removed from the equation. I cannot stress this more deeply, the decisions made while an OM/OW is on the scene are deeply influenced by extraneous factors. One does not need the enemy whispering in the ear of an individual that is for all intents and purposes an emotional cripple. No good decision comes out of that milieu. Yes, acceptance of a cheating spouse, and work toward reconciliation may be counter intuitive to many people here, however, the decisions are made BETWEEN the spouses, and not vectored away by the presence of a third individual. One understands that the cheating spouse may be no prize, however, that is NOT the decision of the posters here.


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## NobodySpecial

ConanHub said:


> Seeing as how it worked in his life, mine and others in real life, your opposition to it makes very little sense.


We're talking about going near postal on the OM/W, right? I can't say I am opposed to it. Since it worked for you, you can share what benefit there was in it. 



> This isn't theory being advised but proven actions with proven results.
> 
> I could understand your criticism and doubt about his actions if his actions did not get results but they did. I have also seen it work in my own life as well as that of others.


My bad. I must have missed posts. What results? Thanks.


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## ConanHub

NobodySpecial said:


> We're talking about going near postal on the OM/W, right? I can't say I am opposed to it. Since it worked for you, you can share what benefit there was in it.
> 
> 
> 
> My bad. I must have missed posts. What results? Thanks.


No Longer Lonely Husband confronted and might have done more and it definitely helped him. He deleted his thread.

To avoid extending this possible TJ, I will start a thread about actual confrontation stories and the results.


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## Cynthia

ConanHub said:


> No Longer Lonely Husband confronted and might have done more and it definitely helped him. He deleted his thread.
> 
> To avoid extending this possible TJ, I will start a thread about actual confrontation stories and the results.


Please post a link.


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## Cynthia

andrewh hasn't posted since 2-17-19. I have a feeling he won't be back unless all hell breaks loose and he feels we can help him.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

NobodySpecial said:


> It is usual for whom and to achieve what? It might temporarily make the BS feel better. Otherwise, it is hard to see what benefit it would have.


Saved my marriage ma’am.:wink2:


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## Cynthia

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Saved my marriage ma’am.:wink2:


That's the thing. For many people adultery is a deal breaker, but for some reconciliation is the goal. I think after putting heart and soul into a marriage, it can be very difficult to let go if there is a chance of working through things and saving the marriage.


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## She'sStillGotIt

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Saved my marriage ma’am.:wink2:


With all due respect, you scared off your wife's boyfriend not because she WANTED him gone, but because *you *wanted him gone.

And once you scared him off - again, not by HER choice - you basically took away her other option, leaving you as her ONLY option. That's when she suddenly chose YOU again and decided to reinvest in your marriage, pretty much by default.

Man, I don't see that as a 'win' at all. I'm sorry. :frown2:


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## NorseViking

andrewh said:


> She keeps her phone on her at all times.
> She is sleeping right now but its a fingerprint lock and I don't know her backup passcode.


Cheaters do that often.
Tell her your phone is dead and you need to borrow her phone.
If she denies, you know that she has something to hide.


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## Chaparral

I think he has found a very deep rabbit hole.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

She'sStillGotIt said:


> With all due respect, you scared off your wife's boyfriend not because she WANTED him gone, but because *you *wanted him gone.
> 
> And once you scared him off - again, not by HER choice - you basically took away her other option, leaving you as her ONLY option. That's when she suddenly chose YOU again and decided to reinvest in your marriage, pretty much by default.
> 
> Man, I don't see that as a 'win' at all. I'm sorry. :frown2:


Not to thread jack but SSGI, I left my wife for six weeks. She chased me down and begged me to reconsider. FWW caught hell from exposure to her family, my family, close friends and our kids. My daughter even called her mom names that are unrepeatable. There is more to the story than me getting in POSOM’s face.

COnfronting POSOM was a matter of honor for me. I am not programmed to be disrespected without standing my ground and standing up for me and what is right and what is not right. I remained calm with him but forceful. I am a pretty good sized individual and capable of doing considerable damage if desired, but I simply dressed him down with eloquent marine language. At the time I confronted I pretty much was headed to D. :smile2:If you only knew the entire story. But, oh well.


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## Bibi1031

The


She'sStillGotIt said:


> With all due respect, you scared off your wife's boyfriend not because she WANTED him gone, but because *you *wanted him gone.
> 
> And once you scared him off - again, not by HER choice - you basically took away her other option, leaving you as her ONLY option. That's when she suddenly chose YOU again and decided to reinvest in your marriage, pretty much by default.
> 
> Man, I don't see that as a 'win' at all. I'm sorry. :frown2:



Like the saying goes:. Don't judge a book by its cover&#55357;&#56832;


That is your " biased" perrception of his sitch. His wife got a very rude awakening. That awakening got her out of the idiotic fog most affair junkies are influenced by to commit stupidity after stupidity and hurt themselves the most in the end.


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## Spicy

This thread reminds me of a Nickel Speed bump.


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## Rubix Cubed

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Sometimes it is necessary to go scorched earth as General Sherman did on his march to Atlanta. I for one would make his life a living hell on earth. He who does not wish to be f’d With does not F’ over.


 Poor analogy. I get the shock and awe part but Sherman was a documented psychopath that would have been jailed or committed had it not been for a military career peaking in attempted genocide.


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## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> With all due respect, you scared off your wife's boyfriend not because she WANTED him gone, but because *you *wanted him gone.
> 
> And once you scared him off - again, not by HER choice - you basically took away her other option, leaving you as her ONLY option. That's when she suddenly chose YOU again and decided to reinvest in your marriage, pretty much by default.
> 
> Man, I don't see that as a 'win' at all. I'm sorry. :frown2:


Then you clearly have little experience with setting goals, achieving goals and the like?

He wanted OM gone and he *got* the OM gone. Which, to my mind, is a win.

You really don't have any understanding of what he wanted and what he achieved, do you? :scratchhead:

And I followed his story from its very beginning, as did many on TAM.

We saw him win. Pity you didn't see that.


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## She'sStillGotIt

MattMatt said:


> Then you clearly have little experience with setting goals, achieving goals and the like?
> 
> He wanted OM gone and he *got* the OM gone. Which, to my mind, is a win.
> 
> You really don't have any understanding of what he wanted and what he achieved, do you? :scratchhead:
> 
> And I followed his story from its very beginning, as did many on TAM.
> 
> We saw him win. Pity you didn't see that.


 I don't see scaring the OW or OM away from your cheating spouse - who WANTS that person in their life - as a 'goal' or a 'win.' No need to pity me just because I see it differently. Sorry, but I see it as lowering ones self to having to force their cheating spouse to treat them the way they SHOULD have been being treated all along.

If I have to coerce or force my spouse to come back to me *not on his OWN steam* but because I eliminated my competition thus leaving me his ONLY option, what the hell have I really 'won?' Not a whole lot, in my opinion.


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## MattMatt

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't see scaring the OW or OM away from your cheating spouse - who WANTS that person in their life - as a 'goal' or a 'win.' No need to pity me just because I see it differently. Sorry, but I see it as lowering ones self to having to force their cheating spouse to treat them the way they SHOULD have been being treated all along.
> 
> If I have to coerce or force my spouse to come back to me *not on his OWN steam* but because I eliminated my competition thus leaving me his ONLY option, what the hell have I really 'won?' Not a whole lot, in my opinion.


He won, the end.


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