# Feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place



## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Having a bit of a rough weekend this one...I think its the first fathers day alone with my daughter that is triggering a lot of it.

But rough weekend aside, I have a deeper seated issue that I'm at a loss how to resolve. To cut a long story short, I made a ton of compromises to commit to marriage and be with my stbxw. I moved continents, away from family and friends and gave up a good career...and I did it all willingly because I was deeply in love and committed to the idea of marriage and family - we moved to the stbx's hometown because we figured it'd be best to be near at least on of our families. Workwise, I've always done OK for myself, but it's always been a struggle and I've passed up on a lot of good opportunities elsewhere in the world to make a go if it here. She has always had a very good stable job locally.

When she announced she was "Done", I'd just been laid off....and she'd just been promoted. In addition, my mom had terminal cancer and passed away a couple of months after the stbx being "Done". At the minute I'm scrapping about with contracting jobs, have plenty of savings and can easily make ends meet...but through this whole unhappy process I've been trying to work out what it is that *I * want out of life, now the whole thing has gone wrong.

To that end, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place...trapped....by her. I have realized I don't really want to be here - she is the one with the roots in this area, not me. It's not like I don't have friends around here (and a couple of very good ones at that), but now I feel as though I am totally compromising my career and where before I willingly did so, now that I don't have a wife who cares about me anymore, I am starting to resent the fact that I'm scrapping around while she's just sitting there on Cloud 9 living the high life. 

The reason I feel trapped is because of my daughter. She is 6, I've been here with her always and we have a very close bond, and I love her so much. But...if it weren't for her, I'd have quit the area shortly after the stbx decided she was "Done", got my life and career back and track and not looked back. 

And that's my dilemma....I'm almost ashamed to say a large part of me wants to do just that - walk away and finally do what I want, without compromise. But then I realize...I'm not sure I could ever happy if I did so, leaving my daughter behind. The other thing that weighs on me is that at some point, if no real substantial work is forthcoming, I might even be forced to do just that, after wasting x amount of time in limbo. I'm also concerned if I stay here, I'll just become more and more resentful of everything and become a real miserable bitter and twisted person....and I'd hate for my daughter to pick up on that. Also, while the stbx and I are still very cordial...under the surface there's some real seething anger on my part; I feel she really stuck the knife in when I was already down at the worst time of my life. While she's got the emotions of a stone and will never admit it, I know she's carrying a ton of guilt - she's constantly being nice to me, even if I blow up at her, as I have done on occasion.

I dunno....damned if you do, damned if you don't. At the moment, I'm really truly lost as to whether I'll ever be perfectly "Happy" again, nomatter what I do.

Any words of advice from you wise folk? Feel I just can't seem to find my way....feel my whole "Looking after myself" aspect of all this is compromised by this issue, but just can't see a good way around it, damned no matter what I do.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, you're in a tough spot.

No advice, just lots of support. And so sorry about your mom.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Lot of similarities here with my situation too. I moved continents to my ex's hometown, have a young daughter. I'm glad now I decided to stay with my daughter. I'm trying to keep it that way. Think about what you'll regret when you're old. Not choosing to be with your daughter could well be one of them. There's a book I noticed in B&N the other day. Basically the theme of the book was in order to have a great life, figure out what your 5 top regrets would be in old age and work on achieving them right now. Obviously there are compromises but it sounds like with your savings you are in a better position than many to live those values, which is great. Your anger and resentment will fade over time, especially if you work on it, find someone to replace your stbx etc. I've been working on my resentment. It takes time. It helps me to just keep telling myself my ex did the best she knew how, the best she could at the time from her perspective, that helps me to find forgiveness anyway. I think if you view your daughter as a trap its the wrong side to come at the situation. Money comes and goes, but surely your time with her is truly precious. Think of her as a blessing and you're lucky to have the chance to be there with her. There are some guys that get totally cut off from their kids by their ex's. Your stbx may be being nice to you right now, but be careful. In particular, let your stbx go, if you cling to her she will become vindictive. If you leave your daughter, my bet is that your resentment will be harder to contain over time, feeling you lost even more. It is a tough spot. My family is overseas too, and I am here for my daughter. Career wise though I can probably do better here, so in that way my situation is a little different. There was a research study that showed that one of the top things people wished for in old age about their past was that they'd worked less, i.e. spent less time focused on money, more time on relationships/family. If you have to choose between career and daughter, I think it's a good bet you'll be best served by choosing your daughter, but only you know what is most important to you.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks bradt....good calming words there.

I think I have made good progress as to letting the stbx go...certainly not been clinging, but I can't see forgiving her anytime soon, unfortunately. Ironically, I think the anger at the minute and seeing her as a selfish cold hearted person and thinking "It's all her fault" is the best state of mind for me at the minute....if I start to go soft, I start moping....this weekend is seeing some of that creep back. As far as replacing her...I have been open to the idea, even had a couple of forays there...but now the buzz has worn off its left me feeling very "hollow" inside - not so much that I want to even get back with the stbx, it's just the whole destruction of the family issue that is a hard pill to swallow.....which in turn causes me to question my commitment to pretty much anything or anyone these days. It's pretty obvious I'm not really ready for that yet, although who knows who you might meet.

My gut says you are right on the work/daughter thing...I think what is bothering me there more than anything is that I can see all I've worked hard for coming undone and the fear is more of what choices I *may* be forced to take in the future, rather than right now....sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

worrieddad said:


> Thanks bradt....good calming words there.
> 
> I think I have made good progress as to letting the stbx go...certainly not been clinging, but I can't see forgiving her anytime soon, unfortunately. Ironically, I think the anger at the minute and seeing her as a selfish cold hearted person and thinking "It's all her fault" is the best state of mind for me at the minute....if I start to go soft, I start moping....this weekend is seeing some of that creep back. As far as replacing her...I have been open to the idea, even had a couple of forays there...but now the buzz has worn off its left me feeling very "hollow" inside - not so much that I want to even get back with the stbx, it's just the whole destruction of the family issue that is a hard pill to swallow.....which in turn causes me to question my commitment to pretty much anything or anyone these days. It's pretty obvious I'm not really ready for that yet, although who knows who you might meet.
> 
> My gut says you are right on the work/daughter thing...I think what is bothering me there more than anything is that I can see all I've worked hard for coming undone and the fear is more of what choices I *may* be forced to take in the future, rather than right now....sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming.


Yeah I'm between jobs right now with an uncertain economic future, and I have high child support to find so I know how the finances can be worrisome. I know what you mean about the hollow feeling even with forays... not ready for commitment etc. I've experienced all that. You're right about the anger being useful as long as its channeled constructively (mainly to avoid appeasing) rather than overflowing into rage as so often happens. Just take it a day at a time. It gets better.


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