# Ugh...... I know this is bad.



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

But I can't help but feel this way.

I want someone to talk to.

I know.... I know it's not good... 

I want a MALE to talk to. I almost want a man to take me in his arms, make me feel safe again. Secure. Tell me I'm beautiful.. Tell me everything will be OK.

I don't want sex. I just want to feel that warmth. I want to hear the low growl of a mans voice telling me soothing words. I want to smell that wonderful scent of a MAN. I want to smile again.

Bad, bad bad bad bad.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> But I can't help but feel this way.
> 
> I want someone to talk to.
> 
> ...


It's not wrong to feel this need when you're single. You want validation. Oh, you may not want sex, but a man will. This is why you're in the situation that you're in. You cheated, and then he cheated.


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It's not wrong to feel this need when you're single. You want validation. Oh, you may not want sex, but a man will. This is why you're in the situation that you're in. You cheated, and then he cheated.


I cheated, and then he cheated?

No..

I never cheated.

He cheated. Oh, and then he cheated... and then he cheated some more.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> I cheated, and then he cheated?
> 
> No..
> 
> ...


I know how you feel... there is nothing wrong with having the feelings of wanting to be initmate and charished by a man.

What is the situation in your marriage now. How long has it been since you found out about your husband's infidelities?


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

Furthermore, I never cheated EMOTIONALLY either.

Matter of fact, my whole world revolved around my husband. As cliche as it may sound, I only had eyes for him. 

I even felt guilty if a man hit on me, when I had done nothing wrong. I went out all of 3 times while my husband was deployed.

Twice to grab a drink with a female friend of mine after school, I was wearing scrubs. Didn't want to be approached by men, didn't get approached.

Once to grab a drink with a female friend of mine for her birhtday. I was dressed up since it was an actual evening event... Didn't want to be approached by men, but I was... He told me I was beautiful, asked me for a dance. I refused. This was after DDay #2, and it hit me hard that my first feeling was guilt - I felt like I was "too dolled up".. that I shouldn't be out.. much less be out dressed "like that," but I was wearing a black dress to my knees and wedges.. nothing "sexy"... just felt like I should have put on my usual jeans and sweatshirt.

I felt guilty, then sad, then hurt, then depressed.... I never took a moment to feel flattered.

I never WANTED an emotional connection with another man until Dday#3..


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I know how you feel... there is nothing wrong with having the feelings of wanting to be initmate and charished by a man.
> 
> What is the situation in your marriage now. How long has it been since you found out about your husband's infidelities?


Dday#3 was September 27th. This is when I discovered his PA's..... I discovered his EA in mid July of 2009. I discovered the EA never ended in June* 2011.


----------



## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

I need a man to so go too. Let me feel secure, but nothing about sex. I feel my life is empty after marriage as I have a hard time with my husband and now I realize that I'm still lonely and can't imagine what "happily everafter" is like.


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It's not wrong to feel this need when you're single. You want validation. Oh, you may not want sex, but a man will. This is why you're in the situation that you're in. You cheated, and then he cheated.


I'm a bit infuriated that you even said such a thing. Have you read any of my posts? 

I don't mean to attack you, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs at my computer screen.... What gave you the right to say such a thing, as if you know "my story"..??

What gave you the notion that I...IIIII cheated?!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> Dday#3 was September 27th. This is when I discovered his PA's..... I discovered his EA in mid July of 2009. I discovered the EA never ended in June* 2011.


Are you and your husband still living together? It sounds like he is not trying to meet your needs. What's going on with this?

Is he remorseful about the affairs? 

What is he doing to regain your trust?... or better put... to make himself more trustworthy?


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Are you and your husband still living together? It sounds like he is not trying to meet your needs. What's going on with this?
> 
> Is he remorseful about the affairs?
> 
> What is he doing to regain your trust?... or better put... to make himself more trustworthy?


He is under the same roof. We are in a financial bind. He has orders to transfer to another state mid Jan. Whether or not I follow is up to me - but for the time being I have unfinished business here, so I would not be able to follow until April-ish. This will leave me with time.. time to think, time to be me. Whether that is good or bad, I'm not sure.

He claims he is remorseful. He claims he is being transparent. I did snoop for a while. I was controlling for a while. I stopped. I deleted the GPS tracker from his phone. I no longer pick it up to look at, I no longer check his emails. I no longer ask him where he is or what he's doing. I don't want a husband on a leash, never did.. I can't control him.. I can't MAKE him love me the way I need to be loved.

He claims all of that but I don't think he understands fully what it is I need from him, or perhaps he understands but doesn't care enough. 

I don't want to TELL him to do anything. I want him to figure it out on his own.

To answer your question more directly, pertaining to what he is doing to be more trustworhty..... nothing. He's doing nothing.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"I don't want to TELL him to do anything. I want him to figure it out on his own."

He's not a mind reader. This is not going to work.

There is a couple of good books for your situation, both are by Dr. Harely

"Surviving an Affair" - This book is a quick read. It's the first one I read when I discovered my husband's affairs. It tells a lot about what you need to do. It explains Plan A and Plan B. There is the no-contact letter, radical honesty and other concepts that will help you.


"His Needs, Her Needs" - This explains about why we have to tell our spouses exactly what we need from them. YOur husband has to tell you what he needs as well. 

We can talk about is all here but the books give very good info.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good link here... Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> "I don't want to TELL him to do anything. I want him to figure it out on his own."
> 
> He's not a mind reader. This is not going to work.
> 
> ...


Thank you.

I know he is not a mind reader.. but.. I don't know how to explain it.

The other weekend... I sent him a text. It was very unlike me... what I said.

I simply said, "I want to go out. Take me out. Somewhere new, somewhere fun."

No "please".

This whole time one of his biggest lines was, "You are so indecisive..."

So I made a decision. I wanted to go out. I then said, "If you don't take me out, I'll go out by myself."

I realize that may have sounded like a threat, but I WAS angry at the time.

He ended up talking to me about finding a babysitter. I was frustrated with this. I told him that he was making me feel like a "chore," and if it was asking too much, then to forget about it. I told him that by him talking to me about a babysitter, it felt like he was coming up with "excuses"...

EDIT TO ADD: We have a babysitter that we have always used, though we had to cancel on her unexpectedly and it was quite awkward, she would never turn down the opportunity. We both know this. We also have her daycare teacher who has extended her services to us outside of daycare... She has told us it would not be a problem multiple occasions.. And his sister also said but not a week before this incident that she would love to watch our daughter if we ever needed..... I honestly don't understand why he thought it was such a "hassle" to "find" a sitter, let alone bring it up to me...

That when he cheated, he didn't find excuses as to why it was "too much trouble".. he didn't look at the financial aspect of withdrawing money from the ATM to purchase alcohol and a hotel room (*cough* $300 *cough*) .... It wasn't a "chore" to him, he just did it.

After I walked away and let him simmer with that, we went out, and honestly had a good time.

But after it was said and done.. I was still angry that I felt I had to "push him" to do it...... am I making sense?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The thing with the affair is that there were no obsticles like baby sitters. If the OW needed one she obviously did not expect him to take care of it.

This is the problem with affairs, they are easy. There is no responsibility. That is why they they are so seductive.

My suggestion would be that you set up a weekly date night, set up a baby sitter in advance on a regular basis. Now the babysitter chore is out of the way. 

You might be able to find another couple who needs a baby sitter and thus trade sitting so that both you and the other couple get some time out.

One thing that I did in the past, when I could not find a reliable babysitter who i'd leave my son with.. I found a high school girl. She would come over to the house and watch my son while my husband and I spent time together with a date in our home. It was great for getting romantic intimate time.

With the teen there, things like walks were good too.. we could go out for a short time. There's a bike path down the river by our house so it's romantic as well.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband work with these women he cheated with? Has he ended all contact with them?


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The thing with the affair is that there were no obsticles like baby sitters. If the OW needed one she obviously did not expect him to take care of it.
> 
> This is the problem with affairs, they are easy. There is no responsibility. That is why they they are so seductive.
> 
> ...


The "OW" was actually other PEOPLE. Randoms from Craigslist. yes, this is a sticky situation.

My husband was molested as a child - by a male family member. I knew about this from DDay #1. There was no reason for me to believe it was a fabricated story. I was angry he didn't tell me about it, because it caused him to question his sexuality (though he still denies this). Though I was hurt and angry from the discovery of his EA (with a woman) I also kindly approached him about the molestation. I found out about it because among the emails between him and the OW - his EA partner - was an email to a man.. I'm sure you can guess what the email was about.

I told him that I didn't think less of him, but I was simply confused. I told him that I was also hurt for him. I asked him if we could go to counseling, or go to church like we had always talked about. Or, if he wasn't comfortable going with me, I told him I would support him.. that I just didn't want it to be an underlying issue. He said no. He promised it wasn't an underlying issue, he said he was passed it. He asked me to let it go.. so I did.

The "OW" were crossdressers, TV's, from craigslist. Those were the people he has physical affairs with. The only actual WOMAN was his EA partner, whom he never had physical contact with (to my knowledge)..

He claims he is seeking help. I've asked him (kindly) to also look further into his sexuality. I don't want to find out 15 years from now that he, is in fact, gay. That is, if we move towards R... which would then make it False R, correct?

Though, I'll admit. Gay is probably the wrong word. Bisexual. In the midst of the transexual/bisexual/gay porn deleted from his computer, was plenty of heterosexual porn to make up for it. Plus, he is very intune with my body and my needs - sexually.. and has no problem with arousal in times of intimacy with me.

There was PLENTY of responsibility with his affairs. Drafting money in low increments from the ATM. Hiding his internet history, deleting the emails once they were sent/received. Hiding it from me, period. It had to have been a "hassle".. don't you think?


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband work with these women he cheated with? Has he ended all contact with them?


No, as far as I know, he does not work with anyone he has cheated with. 

And as far as I know, he has ended contact. As far as I know.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> The "OW" was actually other PEOPLE. Randoms from Craigslist. yes, this is a sticky situation.


I hope that you both of you have been tested for STDs. This is a very dangerous thing for him to do. I know that you know it… just wanted to iterate that.


GoingNowhere said:


> My husband was molested as a child - by a male family member. I knew about this from DDay #1. There was no reason for me to believe it was a fabricated story. I was angry he didn't tell me about it, because it caused him to question his sexuality (though he still denies this). Though I was hurt and angry from the discovery of his EA (with a woman) I also kindly approached him about the molestation. I found out about it because among the emails between him and the OW - his EA partner - was an email to a man.. I'm sure you can guess what the email was about.


Being sexually molested as a child messes up a lot of people.

Sexual acting out is one of the way they deal with it. While it seems counterproductive, what I’ve been told is that it’s like they have to relive the assault over and over until something clicks in their brain that lets them move on. One of my sisters-in-law and my step children have been through this. IN each case it was members of the extended family that molested them. And in each case their sexual acting out has been a huge issue. My sister-in-law finally stopped her acting out at about age 35.



GoingNowhere said:


> I told him that I didn't think less of him, but I was simply confused. I told him that I was also hurt for him. I asked him if we could go to counseling, or go to church like we had always talked about. Or, if he wasn't comfortable going with me, I told him I would support him.. that I just didn't want it to be an underlying issue. He said no. He promised it wasn't an underlying issue, he said he was passed it. He asked me to let it go.. so I did.


If I were you I would not buy that he is passed it. He will most likely be more discrete, more careful in hopes. There are some good books on sexual addictions. The issue with them is that it’s about brain chemistry… the sexual addict is looking for sexual activity that causes their brain chemistry to spew chemicals that make them feel better. Mix that with the confusion of the childhood molestation and it’s a huge problem. I have a very good book on sexual addition. If I find (in all the packed boxes) I’ll pass on the name to you.


GoingNowhere said:


> The "OW" were crossdressers, TV's, from craigslist. Those were the people he has physical affairs with. The only actual WOMAN was his EA partner, whom he never had physical contact with (to my knowledge)..


You have a huge problem on your hands. This is not ‘normal’ affair stuff. Your husband is most likely struggling with a lot of issues that you cannot fix. He needs serious counseling and you will need to be part of the solution if you choose to stay together.



GoingNowhere said:


> He claims he is seeking help. I've asked him (kindly) to also look further into his sexuality. I don't want to find out 15 years from now that he, is in fact, gay. That is, if we move towards R... which would then make it False R, correct?


I would not accept a claim that he is getting help. I would want to know the name of the therapist, his appointment times and to go meet with the therapist. I would not believe it until I was part of the process.

No, if he’s gay it will not make your relationship false. It would mean that he has needs that you can never satisfy. He’s obviously not willing to leave any sexual desire for men or TV’s alone. He’s not willing to be faithful to you on that front. Plus this is an area in which STDs run much higher than in the rest of the population. The chance of you contact an STD from your husband is HUGE. And AIDS is one of the most likely ones for you to get from him.


GoingNowhere said:


> Though, I'll admit. Gay is probably the wrong word. Bisexual. In the midst of the transexual/bisexual/gay porn deleted from his computer, was plenty of heterosexual porn to make up for it. Plus, he is very intune with my body and my needs - sexually.. and has no problem with arousal in times of intimacy with me.


Bi-sexual would be my bet as well from what you say. But unless you are willing to be in an open relationship you have a huge problem on your hands. 


GoingNowhere said:


> There was PLENTY of responsibility with his affairs. Drafting money in low increments from the ATM. Hiding his internet history, deleting the emails once they were sent/received. Hiding it from me, period. It had to have been a "hassle".. don't you think?


Yes, all that was/is a hassle. But I’d think it was also part of the thrill … .the forbidden. 

House/yard work, finances, his job, baby sitter… that’s all responsibility. 

Have you considered putting a key stroke monitor on his computer?

Has he given you the passwords to all of his accounts?

When I caught my husband doing things on the computer I told him that the only way I’d work on anything with him is if he had a keystroke monitor on his computer and he gave me the passwords to all of his accounts, his computer, etc.

The thing is that our husband will need help to avoid the temptation. If you are not willing to do that, then he will continue to repeat.


----------



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl, thank you for your time and input, your thought out responses. I need to read over your last reply when I'm not dozing off from my medication. (I was just in the ER yesterday for an ovarian cyst and kidney stone... The effects of dilaudid took much time to wear off, and as I type the hydrocodone is kicking in.)

I will calm one concern though, I have been tested. I went to the doctor the week I discovered his physical affairs and had a blood test done. 

I also have a follow up in 3 months, and then again 6 months after that... I will continue to get checked though, as I've given into my physical needs and had sex with him... I could/would never go outside my marriage and I needed the touch of a man.. as I was not cutting it alone. (brutal honesty.. I'm not ashamed)

As far as I know.. I am clean. Stupidly, I continued to sleep with him. Yes, his tests came clean as well.. but it has not been enough time to find out that he is in fact CLEAN. So he will be tested again, and again.. and again.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LIke you I am falling asleep. I'll check back tomorrown.

You take care of your self. Sound like you had a rough day. And then with all of this on top of it. You need your rest.


----------

