# I snubbed my husband



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

My husband was off from work yesterday and I had to go into the office. He did a great job with hanging out with the kids without me asking him to. We have two boys, 9 &13. I'm always up for sex and have never outright refused him in that area but I just couldn't go there last night. After he came home from visiting with a friend, he tried to wake me up but I feigned a deep sleep until he gave up. I was just not feeling sexual. Started a demanding job for less money and haven't been going to the gym so I feel just yucky about my physical appearance and myself overall. He had an affair 2 years ago that I discovered and I have worked hard on forgiving him and putting our marriage together and I was handling it but at times I still get resentful. :frown2:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If he ain't man enough to get over feeling slighted because you failed to get up from a sleep and jump his bones, especially after his tom catting around, it speaks for itself. Additionally, I don't think waking my wife after a hard day for a impromptu romp on my behalf would be all that cool. Believe me when I say we ain't in no "sexless" LD marriage and I ain't no beta guy. I don't mind waiting while she gets her beauty rest. It'll still be there when the conditions are more favorable.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If you are tired, then you are tired. Sex takes energy to accomplish.

Do you feel like you needed additional reasons to say that you are tired. Did using the memories of his affair help you deny him sex in your head? The reason you had was good enough if you are tired. Just asking because you added that fact in there.

Anyways, the longer you get away from the affair wise, the less emotional memories of that event has power over your emotions. The more positive memories you make with your husband, the less you will focus on the affair, triggering less and less of your anger. Creating good memories and living a happy life will take focus away from the affair, minimizing the strength of those memories.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

ThePheonix said:


> If he ain't man enough to get over feeling slighted because you failed to get up from a sleep and jump his bones, especially after his tom catting around, it speaks for itself. Additionally, I don't think waking my wife after a hard day for a impromptu romp on my behalf would be all that cool. Believe me when I say we ain't in no "sexless" LD marriage and I ain't no beta guy. I don't mind waiting while she gets her beauty rest. It'll still be there when the conditions are more favorable.


I don't think she said anything about her husband feeling hurt about this... Rather, she's the one feeling bad about it.

But she shouldn't! Long day, not feeling good, and it's late at night. Easier to be pretending to sleep than to have to possibly get into an argument.

I wouldn't use this as the go-to rejection move going forward, but once in a while it's okay.

That said, OP, make it up to him today or tonight. Get your mind in the game and jump all over him when you get the chance!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She didn't say she was tired. She had 3 reasons for not feeling sexual:
1. She started a new job for less money.
2. She has not gone to the gym and feels yucky about her appearance.
3. Her husband had an affair 2 years ago.

IF it's a one time situation, there is nothing to be concerned about. If these things are often preventing you from feeling sexual, then you have to overcome them in order to find happiness in your marriage.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Let's stop for a moment an analyze this situation...

Husband wants to initiate sex, while wife is preoccupied myriad of issues but she pretends to be sleepy. The following is likely to occur:

HUSBAND:

 • Will think his wife is tired.
 • He will contiue initiating for sex.
 • Draw a conclusion that his wife is aneamic and purchase iron supplements.
 • Wife will refuse to take iron supplements as she is not anemic. 
 • Husband will feel wife is refusing his care and nuturing.

WIFE:

 • Will become resentful that her husband is not sensitive to her feelings.
 • Continued pressure for sex will make her feel like he only wants her for sex.
 • His fable attempt at diagnosing wife with anemia only proves how disconnected he is.
 • Now the emotional disconnection is becoming extreme.
 • Now we are past the point of discussing the original issues and have entered a world of emotional bizarro-land .

While that is a semi-fictitious example of what could happen, the point is that women can create problems by ignoring problems instead of confronting issues with their partners. While some issues may not be easily reconcilable, it is important to hash them out instead of ignoring them. 

My advice is to tell your husband directly what you just told us, and mix in the thankfulness of him spending time with the kids. Keep in mind that healthy debate with your spouse can be just as important as good sex. 

I think this forum needs a Healthy debate in marriage as a companion topic for Sex in Marriage. The fact that there is not is just an example of how we all want just the good and to ignore the bad!

maritalloneliness I am not fussing at you, we are ALL that way...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I appreciate all of the input! Just not in a good space right now. There is a whole lot of issues involved in my marriage. It's as if I'm the bird who has its head in the sand. When I tried to get it out for discussion, he just rug sweep everything and he expects me to just leave it alone. Tried PC, but found the therapist just not helpful. I don't know if it was because it was a Christian counseling. I feel as if I can't fully forget his betrayal because it's never been dealt with. When the person you have given your heart and soul to has dealt you such a profound pain, this changed me to my core.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You will continue to feel this way until you confront him that the rug sweeping is eating away at your love for him, and that one day when he least expects it, you'll leave him. If he truly is remorseful for his affair and does not want to end the marriage, he'll realize that this is something that can longer be avoided and must be deal with and resolved otherwise the marriage will end.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Respectfully disagree with all of this. Turning your husband down once because you are tired is no big deal. If it happens 5-10 times, for whatever reason, it is a problem, but right now it's not. Forget about the one time, and hopefully you two can get together again. 

You should not feel you have to constantly accomodate him or that he will be unfaithful if you are not always available. You have the ability to forgive him and try to get on with your office, but that does not mean blaming yourself for what happened, and believing you need to be open 24/7 to maintain your marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> Respectfully disagree with all of this. Turning your husband down once because you are tired is no big deal. If it happens 5-10 times, for whatever reason, it is a problem, but right now it's not. Forget about the one time, and hopefully you two can get together again.
> 
> You should not feel you have to constantly accomodate him or that he will be unfaithful if you are not always available. You have the ability to forgive him and try to get on with your office, but that does not mean blaming yourself for what happened, and believing you need to be open 24/7 to maintain your marriage.


I agree with this. Also, remember that he had been out with a friend. When he came home, she was in bed asleep, and he went to WAKE her up to have sex. She pretended to be deeply asleep. It's not actually a full on rejection her husband experienced, she just pretended to be too asleep to be easily woken up.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

What's wrong with just getting awake and telling him NO?
This will relieve him from the "obligation" of scratching and begging for it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> My husband was off from work yesterday and I had to go into the office. He did a great job with hanging out with the kids without me asking him to. We have two boys, 9 &13. I'm always up for sex and have never outright refused him in that area but I just couldn't go there last night. After he came home from visiting with a friend, he tried to wake me up but I feigned a deep sleep until he gave up. I was just not feeling sexual. Started a demanding job for less money and haven't been going to the gym so I feel just yucky about my physical appearance and myself overall. He had an affair 2 years ago that I discovered and I have worked hard on forgiving him and putting our marriage together and I was handling it but at times I still get resentful. :frown2:


Tired is tired. New job, no gym time...totally understandable. You will get back on track, it just takes time.

Feelings of resentment, though, can fester and really cause problems.
Have you done any IC or MC since his affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are being dishonest. Honesty is paramount, from your H and from you. There needs to exist a bond between you such that each one understands the issues and their importance and how they affect the other. By avoiding your H you denied your marriage an opportunity for growth. If you hope to someday fully R, you must use opportunities as they present themselves to strengthen the marital bond. R is difficult and avoidance is counterproductive. As you avoid, the resentment grows and causes the avoidance to become easier and easier until there are impenetrable walls. There must be open communications, feelings must be expressed and issues discussed and resolved, not avoided.

Please understand that I am not condemning nor condoning your act, I simply posit that for your R to be successful, there must be extra diligence put forth. I do understand how life can complicate situations and fatigue is a good excuse but excuses will not bring about the change, the R, that you desire. R is much more difficult and involved than most people realize and that is why it rarely works. Most settle for some change and a fair amount of rugsweeping but that is not real R, that requires dedication and perseverance. I wish you good fortune.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> My husband was off from work yesterday and I had to go into the office. He did a great job with hanging out with the kids without me asking him to. We have two boys, 9 &13. I'm always up for sex and have never outright refused him in that area but I just couldn't go there last night. After he came home from visiting with a friend, he tried to wake me up but I feigned a deep sleep until he gave up. I was just not feeling sexual. Started a demanding job for less money and haven't been going to the gym so I feel just yucky about my physical appearance and myself overall. He had an affair 2 years ago that I discovered and I have worked hard on forgiving him and putting our marriage together and I was handling it but at times I still get resentful. :frown2:



You need to tell your husband exactly what you wrote here. If you're feeling yucky about yourself, you need to let him now so that he can behave accordingly. Wouldn't it be nice if he gave you a little extra TLC during this transition, giving you some more compliments..? 

Also, with regard to feeling bad about your self image I think you should know something that in my experience is true in MOST men. They do not see the little widening of the waist, the extra few pounds...they just don't see it. They still see, in most cases, the woman they married. Unless you've gained more than 30-40 pounds, to your H you are the same woman he has always loved. Now you need to make your self believe that!

Here's something else: a woman with some extra curves who FEELS her sexiness, and FEELS that her soft roundness is feminine and the way woman are supposed to look, is a lot more exciting than a woman who is uptight and negative. Just think on that a bit...





maritalloneliness said:


> I appreciate all of the input! Just not in a good space right now. There is a whole lot of issues involved in my marriage. It's as if I'm the bird who has its head in the sand. When I tried to get it out for discussion, he just rug sweep everything and he expects me to just leave it alone. Tried PC, but found the therapist just not helpful. I don't know if it was because it was a Christian counseling. I feel as if I can't fully forget his betrayal because it's never been dealt with. When the person you have given your heart and soul to has dealt you such a profound pain, this changed me to my core.



Again, you need to talk with your H. You will heal from this at your own pace but you can't heal if you can't bring the pain into the light of day. Even if your H doesn't want to talk and rehash, you can still explain that his affair makes it very hard for you to trust and have faith in him. That the extra weight and how you feel about yourself is compounded by the fact that he hooked up with another woman. Was she prettier than me, was she thinner than me, was she hotter in bed than me...? All these insecure thoughts DO run through your head and you need to tell him these things so that he has the opportunity to reassure you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't feel bad about snubbing your husband. He shouldn't be waking you up in the middle of the night for sex. I can understand that both physically and emotionally you weren't in the mood.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I know that I should have been honest with him and I'm feeling guilty about my behavior. It's just that things have drastically changed for me post affair. I was/am a pushover and can easily change my mind when it comes to being intimate with my husband. I'm still struggling with changing being the giver in our relationship and not expressing what I want or need from him. I certainly don't want him to feel rejected by me as I have never told him no verbally but with me faking sleep to avoid sex is just as bad. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. Seeing most of the responses, I can see how this behavior doesn't foster any honesty in our marriage. I mean how do you tell him you'd rather be held and cuddled than have sex when he really wants it. It seemed mean to me. He had on occasion said no to me when I initiated so I know how awful that rejection feels like.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> I mean how do you tell him you'd rather be held and cuddled than have sex when he really wants it. It seemed mean to me. He had on occasion said no to me when I initiated so I know how awful that rejection feels like.


There should be no problem what so ever telling your husband that you want to be held and that you are not in the mood for sex. Generally speaking he should be concerned for your wellbeing and love is patient. If he has problems dealing with his hormones and can't stop pushing for sex, just make him tell you all the ways he is crazy about you while you give him a hand job. In that scenario there is no rejection.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That means from what you know of him, he is not an understanding person. You do not trust him to listen and hear what you need. Or you are afraid to ask because you believe that you should not for whatever reason.

Perhaps counseling as a couple would help to communicate and listen.

Relationships are give and take, it is okay for you to ask for your own needs to be taken care of before his as well. By placing him first, you neglect yourself. So take care of yourself by communicating what you need as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Again, tell him this!!!

Only when you are fully transparent, even with the not so nice parts or unreasonable and irrational feelings can you both fully understand each other. He needs to fully understand you and you need to fully understand him.

Being completely transparent is hard, very hard. But if you both practice emotional transparency and seek to understand and be understood the bond and emotional intimacy will strengthen your marriage and heal both of you.

Tell him your feelings just as you've written them here.

Go on now....




maritalloneliness said:


> I know that I should have been honest with him and I'm feeling guilty about my behavior. It's just that things have drastically changed for me post affair. I was/am a pushover and can easily change my mind when it comes to being intimate with my husband. I'm still struggling with changing being the giver in our relationship and not expressing what I want or need from him. I certainly don't want him to feel rejected by me as I have never told him no verbally but with me faking sleep to avoid sex is just as bad. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. Seeing most of the responses, I can see how this behavior doesn't foster any honesty in our marriage. I mean how do you tell him you'd rather be held and cuddled than have sex when he really wants it. It seemed mean to me. He had on occasion said no to me when I initiated so I know how awful that rejection feels like.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I see nothing wrong with occasionally telling your partner that you don't feel like sex right now. As long as it doesn't happen all the time (as many of us experience) its fine. You should be able to tell him no, maybe with a promise of a special treat next time. And he should do the same for you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OP, you said you are always up for sex with him (except this one time), so why does his past affair factor into the equations this time?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> I know that I should have been honest with him and *I'm feeling guilty about my behavior*. It's just that *things have drastically changed for me post affair. * I was/am a pushover and can easily change my mind when it comes to being intimate with my husband. I'm still struggling with changing being the giver in our relationship and not expressing what I want or need from him. I* certainly don't want him to feel rejected by me* as I have never told him no verbally but with me *faking sleep to avoid sex is just as bad*. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. Seeing most of the responses, I can see how this behavior doesn't foster any honesty in our marriage. I mean *how do you tell him you'd rather be held and cuddled than have sex when he really wants it.* It seemed mean to me. He had on occasion said no to me when I initiated so I know how awful that rejection feels like.


Having been in a Sex Starved Marriage and turned it around, I have a couple of suggestions for you. Yes be more honest and don't fake sleep. What I tell my wife when I want sex and she doesn't, is for her to "tell me she loves me." Touch my hair or shoulder. Then tell me what a great person I am. Based on Chapman's 5 Languages of Love, I feel love mostly by touch and then words of affirmation. By her doing that, I feel loved and ready for the bad news. Your husband may have different love languages, so you may have to do differen things to make him feel loved.

I have told my wife that after I feel loved, then I want her to tell me that she is too tired to have really good sex with me now, and she expects me to go sound to sleep as she will either take care of my needs in the morning on the next night when she is rested and she doesn't want me to be the one who is too tired then.

That way it is not a rejection, but a scheduling for a time when both can fully participate.

Good luck to you.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Lon said:


> OP, you said you are always up for sex with him (except this one time), so why does his past affair factor into the equations this time?


His affair made me feel undesirable, unwanted and unloved. I don't know if I would have handled it differently if it was with some unnamed person, but it was with my sister in law. Needless to say, i would have felt like that if it was anyone, but i considered this woman my sister and we spent a lot of time together. Now our family dynamic is all screwy.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Yes, he isn't very understanding at all. After the affair, I wanted to go to marriage counseling but he absolutely refused to go. I did a couple of weeks if IC but didn't continue. When I had made plans to move out and tell the kids and packed up our bags, everyone was crying-me , the kids, and him. He accused me of hurting our kids. I was so distraught and I really believed it was my fault. I put it behind me by rug sweeping our issues. It's been going on for at least 6 months now and he is transparent in his dealings with me but now I don't want to rock the boat.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> I appreciate all of the input! Just not in a good space right now. There is a whole lot of issues involved in my marriage. It's as if I'm the bird who has its head in the sand. When I tried to get it out for discussion, he just rug sweep everything and he expects me to just leave it alone. Tried PC, but found the therapist just not helpful. I don't know if it was because it was a Christian counseling. I feel as if I can't fully forget his betrayal because it's never been dealt with. When the person you have given your heart and soul to has dealt you such a profound pain, this changed me to my core.


Was the Christian counselor telling you to forgive and move on? Was that the problem? If so, this is a huge problem in mainline Christian teaching. There is a disconnect with the repentance and the burden falls on the betrayed to "forgive and forget." Jesus didn't preach that. He said, "Go and sin no more." If your husband hasn't done what is necessary to rebuild trust, he is not truly repentant. The Church needs to stop enabling people in their sin and get it right. If your husband has not done what is necessary to help you heal, he is the one with the problem.
Your feelings are telling you that something is wrong. God gave us feelings for a reason. Your husband blaming you for wanting to walk out after his betrayal is adding insult to injury. It's amazing that you let your husband touch you at all after the way he treats you.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

You should wake your husband up in the middle of the night, and ask him to make you a snack.
And when he grumbles his confusion, plead, "oh please.... I am so hungry for your food"

Next time he wakes you up for sex, and you're super tired, ask him why the hell he woke you up.
Hear his response. Tell him. Honey, I'm super tired. That's why I was asleep. I'm not just tired for sex, but I'm too tired to be awoken for NO GOOD REASON. (And remember paragraph 1 as example)

If he wants bedtime sex, he should sync up and go to bed at the same time as you.
He shouldn't get to go out with his friends AND come back late and wake you up for sex.
That's just selfish. I know, I used to be that guy.

There is only one thing that solved our sexual mismatch. Lots and lots of honesty, and open discussions. And there was a lot of screwups and misfires as we first started standing up for ourselves, but we stuck with it. Now we bring up issues as they occur. We have no past lies now.

And like the others said, the even more important issue is to resolve the cheating. From my own experience, you'll never get his attention, respect, or response you want until you're willing to leave him. I see that you were!! But you didn't follow through. That's a tough one.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> His affair made me feel undesirable, unwanted and unloved. I don't know if I would have handled it differently if it was with some unnamed person, but it was with my sister in law. Needless to say, i would have felt like that if it was anyone, but i considered this woman my sister and we spent a lot of time together. Now our family dynamic is all screwy.


I'm sorry if I don't follow but the whole timeline is confusing here... so his affair was two years ago, how long did it last? when did you find out about it, and how? So then you rugswept it until 6 months ago, when you decided to seek counselling and he began putting up a fuss? What was your sex and intimacy like during that 18 month period? what about the past 6 months? So then six months ago you started to feel unattractive and unloved by him, or is it the whole time since his affair you've felt this way? you said you've never turned him down until that particular night 4 nights ago when you snubbed him, so what is different for you in the past few days which has caused you to consider posting here? Did you turn him down the other day because you were tired or was it because of other reasons stemming from the affair two years ago? Is this the first time you've ever turned him down for sex?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

This isn't the first post about my marital problems. Let see if I can be more precise. My DH had an affair with my SIL. It has been two years since I found out. My brother was the one who told me. I wanted to go to counseling but he refused. So, in order for me to get some clarity about what to do about my marriage, a year since I found out I sought IC. The following year, I was still struggling although we managed to get some traction but Im still dealing with anger and resentments. Six months ago this year after having the counseling talk again, he basically told me that it's my problem to deal with and he wasn't going to discuss his problems with some stranger. I packed my bags and told the kids we were going to move out because "daddy and mommy are having problems". After that blow up and the reality of changing our life, I caved in and stayed. 
Prior to the affair, I thought we had a decent marriage. We hardly argued. Although in retrospect, it was probably avoidance on both sides that kept the peace.
Prior to the affair, our sex life was averaging 2-3 times per week but only when he wanted and I was extremely reserved about voicing my needs.
Even after two years, I'm still reeling about the affair because nothing has resolved. I don't know how long it went on. He denies that it got sexual but I don't believe him because I saw he had made several reservation on hotel.Com that I saw on his work email. Stupid wife that I was, I trusted him when he said he was out with the boys.
Sorry his is so long!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You were going to leave, but he said that you were breaking the family up and you felt guilty, so you returned.
It is not your fault. Your husband has deeply betrayed you and refuses to do anything to rebuild trust or even apologize. He is a liar and a cheater and that doesn't seem to have changed. Why are you staying with him now? Is it because he says this is your fault?
Your husband is not showing love towards you. He is showing that he wants what he wants on his terms and your feeling do not matter. He has broken his vows and the marriage. This is not your fault and you do not have to live like this.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> This isn't the first post about my marital problems. Let see if I can be more precise. My DH had an affair with my SIL. It has been two years since I found out. My brother was the one who told me. I wanted to go to counseling but he refused. So, in order for me to get some clarity about what to do about my marriage, a year since I found out I sought IC. The following year, I was still struggling although we managed to get some traction but Im still dealing with anger and resentments. Six months ago this year after having the counseling talk again, he basically told me that it's my problem to deal with and he wasn't going to discuss his problems with some stranger. I packed my bags and told the kids we were going to move out because "daddy and mommy are having problems". After that blow up and the reality of changing our life, I caved in and stayed.
> Prior to the affair, I thought we had a decent marriage. We hardly argued. Although in retrospect, it was probably avoidance on both sides that kept the peace.
> Prior to the affair, our sex life was averaging 2-3 times per week but only when he wanted and I was extremely reserved about voicing my needs.
> Even after two years, I'm still reeling about the affair because nothing has resolved. I don't know how long it went on. He denies that it got sexual but I don't believe him because I saw he had made several reservation on hotel.Com that I saw on his work email. Stupid wife that I was, I trusted him when he said he was out with the boys.
> Sorry his is so long!


Thank you for filling in those details ML (sorry I didn't read your other threads to get the whole picture). I agree with CynthiaDe completely, your H strayed and hasn't been repentant or remorseful for his poor choice or the ramifications it put on you and your kids. You need not take any of the blame for HIS poor choices. It sounds like he is doing the typical cheater minimization (and whenever you get any further trickle truth out of him he probably just keeps saying he didn't tell you everything because he wanted to spare your pain, am I right?)

You have tried to enforce boundaries but have met resistance and have also questioned yourself - let me just say that you have absolutely every right to do what you need to resolve this problem for yourself (be it separation, divorce, refusing sex, requesting marital counselling, whatever...). Also, how can you forgive someone of something unless you are certain you know what you are forgiving them for?

I'm sorry this has been going on so long for you, but there is no statute of limitations on something like this, if your H and you are not on the same page it is of utmost priority that you get down to the bottom of it, and if you are with someone who has no will to try to then it's not really a partnership and your options, as undesirable as they may be to you, become more obvious.

When I was in the lurch on what to do over my ex's choice to cheat and check out of the marriage I found this to be useful guide to what kind of boundaries I chose to implement:

https://jemjester.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/betrayed-spouse-bill-of-rights/

I hope you find the clarity and resolve you need to find ML...


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