# Passwords



## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi - H and I have started a "Healing Separation". Doing MC and IC - working on healing. He moves out this Sunday.

H cheated during the marriage. I believe he will have sex with others while we are apart. No doubt. 

The deal is, I'm not allowed to date nor is he. We are supposed to be married and working on us and ourselves. I have said as part of making me feel safe I think we need to keep each other's passwords. He wants to "breathe" and not feel lurked upon.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is this a sign that I should just not give a rat's butt and emotionally disconnect?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Definitely the latter. Passwords should be an automatic in the wake of infidelity. Unless, of course, reconciliation is off the table.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

mewiththree said:


> Hi - H and I have started a "Healing Separation". Doing MC and IC - working on healing. He moves out this Sunday.
> 
> H cheated during the marriage. I believe he will have sex with others while we are apart. No doubt.
> 
> ...


If he wanted to "breathe", he should not have gotten married. If he wanted trust, he should not have been untrustworthy. What he is saying is he wants to pretend to reconcile while eating his cake at the same time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

He cheated on you, if he wants the marriage to survive his right to not be lurked on went out the window.

Get all his usernames / passwords. For ease, let us TAMers know and we will gladly monitor his accounts


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

mewiththree said:


> Hi - H and I have started a "Healing Separation". Doing MC and IC - working on healing. He moves out this Sunday.
> 
> How is living separate going to help you work on your marriage?
> 
> ...


If you both are "All In" in repairing your marraige and making it better, transparency (especially in light of an affair) should be welcomed. Based on his repsonse, it sounds like he's not choosing the marriage.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Get a divorce!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
it depends. If it is a business account, policies (or even laws for secure work) may prevent him from sharing.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Get a divorce!


we have two young kids - will be in each other's lives for a long time. We actually love one another. But yeah - probably will go down that way.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Disconnect completely and move on. He, being unfaithful, should honor all requests by you. There shouldn't be anything that he isn't willing to do to prove that he wants this marriage to work.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

mewiththree said:


> we have two young kids - will be in each other's lives for a long time. We actually love one another. But yeah - probably will go down that way.


I understand your desire to want things to work out but his actions clearly demonstrate that they are not working out. 

See a lawyer and file.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Getting his passwords means nothing. He can set up anonymous email accounts in seconds and you'd never know about them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

mewiththree said:


> Hi - H and I have started a "Healing Separation". Doing MC and IC - working on healing. He moves out this Sunday.
> 
> H cheated during the marriage. I believe he will have sex with others while we are apart. No doubt.
> 
> ...


You both aren't allowed to date but you know he will have sex with other people? That makes no sense. Don't you need to date to meet people to have sex with? I guess I'm old fashioned. Keeping each others passwords is the least of your concerns. If he wanted to "breath" he shouldn't have gotten married. This is an excuse to cheat and odds are he isn't going to want to stay married.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

So who suggested that you two separate in order to fix the marriage?? How can you fix things if you two aren't together? Seems silly. 

If he is telling you that he doesn't want to give you passwords so he can "breathe", he's already out and he just told you. He cheated. It's not like he went to the mall when he told you he was going to the hardware store. He betrayed your trust and broke the marriage vows he took. 

You also said you have no doubt he will sleep with others while you're supposed to be working on things. How exactly is that going to work?

You might as well save yourself the time and go be the one to file for divorce first.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> I understand your desire to want things to work out but his actions clearly demonstrate that they are not working out.
> 
> See a lawyer and file.


Where I live we have to be separated one year before I can file. Clock starts ticking Sunday. I like coming and posting here and hearing everyone. Makes me strong - makes me angry. When we are home together I am manipulated by him. He is just firming up his Plan B which is me, but calling this a healing separation. It isn't. I see it now.

In one week he will be out of my life as far as being my husband, and maybe then I can "breathe" and he can too - just like he wanted!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Getting his passwords means nothing. He can set up anonymous email accounts in seconds and you'd never know about them.


Exactly. Sharing passwords is completely pointless when it is so easy to establish new accounts.

OP:

At least he is being honest enough to refuse. He could easily give you a dozen passwords and then go underground with new accounts.

Also, I don't really understand the point of a "healing separation" in the first place. You don't trust him and the solution to rebuilding trust is to have less contact and more opportunity for shady behavior? How exactly does this help?

You say yourself that you are certain he will violate your trust again and have sex with other women. What's the point of a reconciliation attempt? He can never prove to you that he has been faithful and if you have already decided that he will betray you again you will never believe that he hasn't. Sounds like you are wasting each others time. 

This whole endeavor sounds doomed from the start. Whose idea was it?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

mewiththree said:


> Where I live we have to be separated one year before I can file. Clock starts ticking Sunday. I like coming and posting here and hearing everyone. Makes me strong - makes me angry. When we are home together I am manipulated by him. He is just firming up his Plan B which is me, but calling this a healing separation. It isn't. I see it now.
> 
> In one week he will be out of my life as far as being my husband, and maybe then I can "breathe" and he can too - just like he wanted!


This is very different than your original post. I didn't quite get the healing separation. Was that choice of wording from your counselor or your husband....either way it's equivalent of chocolate syrup on cow dung and calling it a frosted brownie...


I suggest you use this time to work on you...develop a good plan for your kids... and get your legal needs and finances in order.

Unless required, I'd stop wasting time on the MC...what's the point if he's not wanting to try?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
His refusal to GLADLY offer up passwords and any other information you ask for is clear evidence that he is not remorseful. Also, you fully expect him to be with other women while participating in a "healing" separation. Healing for what, your marriage or the pain he feels because of his inability to sleep with any woman?

Have you asked yourself what exactly you are trying to save? You want his passwords but are fully expecting him to be unfaithful during the healing process? Why do you not demand his fidelity instead? Have you really thought this through? He does not, by conventional definitions, love you or he would be all in for R and wholly contrite for his cheating. I regret saying this but you are deluding yourself and prolonging the inevitable if you believe this separation will be beneficial to your marriage. Perhaps it is time to reevaluate your position. I wish you strength and good fortune in your efforts.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

zookeeper - it was ours because we were sitting on the pot. These can sometimes work if people address their issues. He has already set up counseling appointments and we are in MC. But clearly I'm in denial. In a way I think it is a way to rip the band-aid off slowly for me. and for him - it is keeping Plan B in his pocket.
So yeah - this isn't a healing separation at all is it? 
and yes - email accounts can be created. Facebook not so much. But I know what you are saying.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

mewiththree said:


> So yeah - this isn't a healing separation at all is it?


No...this is allowing him to cake eat.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> No...this is allowing him to cake eat.


Yes - so I thanked him for his honesty and said that we will call this what it is .. an amicable separation. I said "why I would have agreed at all and settled for scraps will be part of MY healing."


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Keep posting, MWT. If he truly wants to keep you around as plan B, there will surely be more to come.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Keep posting, MWT. If he truly wants to keep you around as plan B, there will surely be more to come.


Oh there is! At least he admits he cannot promise he wouldn't cheat during this separation. The grass is greener ya know :wink2: So - I will disconnect. And he'll keep crawling back to manipulate me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mewiththree said:


> At least he admits he cannot promise he wouldn't cheat during this separation.


Did this just happen, or are you reading between the lines?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PLEASE make ABSOLUTELY SURE that you NEVER have sex with this 'man' again. EVER.

Have you been std tested?


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Did this just happen, or are you reading between the lines?


Just happened. I quote: 
"truth is I don't know if I will nor not". So it isn't that he will - it is that he can't commit to NOT cheating.
So why would we call it a healing separation? But now he is afraid he won't have a plan B - because of the children and the fact that he will be very broke.


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> PLEASE make ABSOLUTELY SURE that you NEVER have sex with this 'man' again. EVER.
> 
> Have you been std tested?


I have not. Apparently the PA woman had been with her husband for 20 years. She was a "nice girl".. :laugh:


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## mewiththree (Apr 15, 2016)

All joking aside .. I suppose I should Hope1964 - oh and you and I have talked on another thread. You know why he can't commit to being faithful. He has taken steps ON HIS OWN to get help. 
Doesn't mean this situation isn't insane. It is.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

mewiththree said:


> Just happened. I quote:
> "truth is I don't know if I will nor not". So it isn't that he will - it is that he can't commit to NOT cheating.
> So why would we call it a healing separation? But now he is afraid he won't have a plan B - because of the children and the fact that he will be very broke.


Consequences suck. At least for him.

Your answer should be simple.

"Thank you again for your honesty. The only communication I will accept moving forward is text and email."

I would not respond to any phone calls. This will do two things. 1, it gives you time to process the garbage he is spewing. 2, you have a record of it should it ever be needed in divorce proceedings.

You know everything you need to know about him. 

Time for your healing, and that starts minimal contact. Exercise. Avoid alcohol. Spend time with friends and family. Rekindle some of your hobbies. Move on from this toxic person.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Nope, I agree with you. If you are supposed to be working on your marriage and yourselves and he's the one who cheated he should be the one offering full disclosure. It doesn't seem to me that he wants to truly R, just to be free to do whatever he wants. With this attitude, I'm not sure I would offered R to him, just cut him loose.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mewiththree said:


> All joking aside .. I suppose I should Hope1964 - oh and you and I have talked on another thread. You know why he can't commit to being faithful. He has taken steps ON HIS OWN to get help.
> Doesn't mean this situation isn't insane. It is.


I think you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache with this guy, but I think you know how I feel. 

And yes - get STD tested. 

And seriously - DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Well this would be my thoughts/message to H in your position, of course the question about who's idea it was to separate does still need to be answered.

Well dear H, if we are to have a "healing separation" in order to work on our marriage than it includes transparency to start the process of rebuilding trust. If it doesn't come with that transparency than it is just a holiday for you from our marriage. if that's what you're looking for than t goes both ways and I will be on holidays as well. If this is meant for healing than lets start the healing otherwise lets start on the path to dissolution.

I Think it is so important for you to let him know that you will not stand around waiting to be his plan B. If that is the case then he should also be relegated to the same position. only when he experiences the reality that you too can move on and leave him empty handed. For every single woman out there looking for a date there are a hundred men looking for a quality woman to spend time with don't settle for anybody that isn't willing to put you at the top of their priority list.


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