# Sick over husband's confessions



## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

My husband and I have had lots of problems with him having inappropriate relationships due to his lack of boundaries. To save our marriage, he's been coming clean about everything, and it makes me sick. There's been no physical cheating, kissing, or touching, but it still makes me feel horrible. He told me he's been keeping his ex on the back-burner in case we break up. When we were having a tough time in our marriage, he even compared me unfavorably to her, saying she's more kind and easygoing and she's always up for sex, and I'm not. He told me that even now, after we've made up, that he'd have sex with her if we split up. He said they broke up because she was annoying and clingy, and wanted a future with him, and he didn't want one with her. 

He thinks she's fat and unattractive, but they share common interests and she's really easy and always up for sex. She showers him with compliments all the time, and he says he likes having his ego stroked (he naturally has kind of low self-esteem). He said he would never be in a relationship with her because she's too ****ty, clingy, immature, unattractive, etc, but he would most likely sleep with her again if we broke up, because she's familiar and would be willing.

I (mostly) believe nothing happened between them. He's so egotistical that he thinks he's too good to "cheat" even though he's been pretty horrible without doing it. He's admitted that they've talked about sex, her: "remember when we were at X and had sex outside?" her: "you look so sexy, I could jump your bones right now." her: "I'm going on vacation and I'm going to sleep with someone." him: "you don't have to," her: "you know I can't help myself!" him: "is there anyone other than [her then-bf] that you'd have sex with?" her: "just you." him: do you think we'd be together if wife and I split up, and you and bf split up? 

He's admitted that he lied about going to her house. He's admitted that he bad-talked her boyfriend so he could have her to himself if we broke up. I feel stupid... I feel like he's trash for being interested in her (and other women) whose main virtues are this shared hobby and the fact that they're easy. He hasn't crossed the line with them, though, like with her. I feel stupid for being so slow to shut down the relationship, because I didn't want to be "paranoid," "jealous," or "controlling." I finally drew a line 5 months ago when I got tired of him driving TWO HOURS to visit her at her parents' house (next to hers) and wanted to meet her finally, or else he couldn't see her unless we met. She refused, and he got mad at her and they have talked only sparingly since, and only met once when she was having a "crisis."

A few days ago is when he started dropping all these bombshells. I've been asking, though, he hasn't really been volunteering. I've threatened and tried to leave him so many times, but now I'm just feeling too tired to keep trying to get him to understand and conform to acceptable behavior.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Honey, if you think he hasn't been physical with these women, you need to think again. What do you think is the point of all of his confessions? No one spends 2 hrs to and 2 hrs back to just 'talk'. 

Do you think you will ever be able to trust him? Why would you want to be with a man who compares you unfavorably to his ex who in his opinion is fat, unattractive, ****ty, clingy and immature? Ditch this loser and find a man who appreciates you for you.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Do you think he would admit all that if he really cheated? If he's going to keep lying, wouldn't he deny that she's on the back-burner? He doesn't trash talk me anymore. We were going through a rough spot when he was doing most, but not all, of that stuff. There's plenty he loves about me and he gives me plenty of compliments, but I do kind of struggle with "why is he REALLY with me?" It doesn't really make sense to me, he seems to like them easy and flattering.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His confessions were for him - builds his ego. Also, to put you on your toes because he's all that and a bag of chips. But, this could also be the beginning of the trickle truth process. He has now apprised you of all (probably not) his transgressions. If something comes up regarding one of the women, he can expand on his previous confession and make it seem like it's not that big of a deal. The thing is, he's already admitted to lying to you regarding the ex. How can one say that he isn't lying all the time?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You're just an option for him, is that what you want to be? He's a scum-ball. Someone who would tell you how much better his ex was at such and such is not someone who loves you.

And driving two hours each way for a heart to heart? Get real. Unless you mean that in a literal sense.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Might be worth comparing notes with his ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

rileyawes said:


> Do you think he would admit all that if he really cheated? If he's going to keep lying, wouldn't he deny that she's on the back-burner? He doesn't trash talk me anymore. We were going through a rough spot when he was doing most, but not all, of that stuff. There's plenty he loves about me and he gives me plenty of compliments, but I do kind of struggle with "why is he REALLY with me?" It doesn't really make sense to me, he seems to like them easy and flattering.


Why would he admit all that if he really cheated? How obvious it is to the rest of us. You sucked it all up like a sponge, desperate to believe whatever he tells you. He had to give you something because you kept asking about it. Now you'll try super hard to win back his affections. It's really a win win situation for him.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The trickle truth routine does a couple things. It lend the appearance of honesty, without, of course, him having to admit to anything he thinks you'll actually leave him for. It also gets you to do the "pick me" dance. 

If he admitted to everything he's actually been up to all at once, chances are you'd dump his cheating @ss in an instant. That's not what he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you at home as a stable, reliable, giving partner _and_ he wants to have all the fun and drama of acting like a single man. He might lose half of that if he makes a real full confession. So he tells you just enough that it seems like he's being honest, but not so much that you'll leave. If more comes out later, he has the option to make it seem like not such a big deal. After all, you stayed when you thought X, so X+ or X- shouldn't really be a problem and why are you acting all crazy now? 

And, of course, since you haven't left, chances are good that you'll be diligently "working on the marriage" trying to make it good enough for him that he'll choose to give up the OW. You'll feel the need to try to make him happy and meet all his needs to the nth degree, so he'll stop all this bad behavior. Because, after all, if you were doing enough, being enough, making him happy, then he wouldn't have any reason to cheat, right? You'll basically be turning yourself inside out to meet his needs so you can repair the relationship. So much so, in fact, that you're likely to be too busy "cleaning up your side of the street" to you notice that his words and actions don't actually line up. He can keep you dancing the "pick me" dance by saying all the right things, without having to actually do much of anything in the way of real work. He doesn't have to do any work, because you're doing it all. 

And both of those reasons for trickle truth basically amount to strategies to achieve one simple goal: cake eating.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP

Your H simply does not love you and is using you as an easy Plan B. You deserve better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If his ex is a plan B, what are you? Probably free sex and a paycheck.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Just... wow, this hurt to simply read, I am so sorry you are living it.

If this was a heartfelt moment of honesty previously disguised as deceit for living a lie that should have been love and he was sharing this as he was finally leaving because it was the only thing his pride would allow, then it would be a right step in the right direction for a path to work through closure... but it wasn't.

Love is shown a thousand ways... what you shared I couldn't glean one from how his actions treat you. 

Nor respect.

Nor kindness.

Nor... well, the list could go on.

Perhaps your boundaries for yourself will be the most effective here... to free yourself by forgiving him, and openly telling him what you are forgiving him for, will begin a path of shedding the chains that weigh you down and give you freedom to move in a direction for yourself.

Please don't give up loving yourself, to stay where you are may result in surrendering this even more... this happens when the wrong people are in our lives.

Where you are right now is not healthy for you... not mentally, emotionally, and in time will not be physically.

He dumped his life script in your lap... how you write the rest is in your control, and that is the best place to be.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Trickle truth.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

There.Is.No.Such.Thing.As.Trickle.Truth.

One is either truthful or deceptive. No plumbing. This isn't about water. It's all or nothing.

As you're discovering, there's limited usefulness in JUST "Truth telling" or "Bombshells" in the absence of actual behavioral change. Often, folks come clean as a way of providing "Proof" that they've turned a corner or made some real changes. This usually happens after some insight or awareness into the destructive nature of the behavior themselves. In the absence of that, it's most often a fig leaf to continue, it's a distraction for both of you.

In the absence of the insight part, you might use his own admission here to push for some demonstration of what his behavior as well as his "Confession" actually represent, and what his plan is to correct the judgement that allowed this in the first place.

The best way to defuse the bomb is to not take it at face value and force them to look inward and explain.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's lying, doesn't actually value you, doesn't actually value her, and you'd be better off divorced and free to find a decent man.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Points taken, trust me. I want to address a few things, though: I don't work right now, and we weren't having sex- that was part of the problem. Of course, the reason we weren't having sex was because I felt like I couldn't trust him (over a few things, but also in general, I wasn't feeling safe enough to be vulnerable), we were arguing, and we had just moved and weren't connecting intimately, non-sexually. I think he loves me. He works hard, he can be really sweet and patient. I have access to his facebook, email, and phone and he doesn't, I've changed the passwords. Right now his work schedule is a week or two on, then a week or two off. Right now he's off for two weeks so we're together almost all the time. There's no way he can communicate with her (or anyone) without me knowing. It's extreme, but trust is almost completely extinguished, and I've let him make supervised calls. He seems really intent on saving our marriage, and I can't think of a good reason besides love.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is your benefit in keeping this relationship again?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If you are just biting time because he pays the bills, then so be it. But don't fool yourself thinking he loves you. He only loves himself.

His true colors will keep showing up and you will see that his so called love is full of crap. 

Use him the way he obviously uses you. Why did you marry this loser who obviously doesn't know one iota about respect?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rileyawes said:


> Do you think he would admit all that if he really cheated? If he's going to keep lying, wouldn't he deny that she's on the back-burner?


He’s playing a very typical cheater’s game. Cheaters seldom, if ever, admit the entire truth. In his case it sounds like he’s telling you just enough to make you think he’s being honest and telling it all. By doing that, he can hide “the rest of the story”. It’s very typical for a cheater, who had sex, to say that we just kissed and did some touching. He’s lying by omission. There is more and he thinks he’s been cleaver enough by telling you just enough to cover his behind.



rileyawes said:


> He doesn't trash talk me anymore. We were going through a rough spot when he was doing most, but not all, of that stuff. There's plenty he loves about me and he gives me plenty of compliments, but I do kind of struggle with "why is he REALLY with me?" It doesn't really make sense to me, he seems to like them easy and flattering.


He does not need to trash talk you any more to put you in your place and to let you know that he thinks very little of you. See, what you told you about his actions is a level of trash talk that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
How do you feel after all that he told you? Do you feel special? Loved? Cherished? Or do you now feel like sh!t and have a totally crushed self-image? He’s managed to destroy your self-worth which is the way he wants it. It’s a form of emotional abuse. By keeping you feeling like you are worthless, he maintains control. Look at what you are doing here. You are looking for a way to explain things so that you can feel better about yourself and better about staying with him. Why?

If you want to feel better about yourself, dump him. Why do you need a man who will trash talk you, cheat on you and then have the audacity to lie to you about it? His half-truths are a way for him to excuse cheating on you… he’s saying that he really did not cheat on you, but you deserve to be cheated on so it was all ok.

Dump him. Stop trying to figure out how to make this ok in your own head. It’s not ok. It's a form of walking-on-egg-shells. You are trying to figure out what you can do to make the hurt go away and to make him treat you will. It will never be ok. He is never going to treat you well.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

rileyawes said:


> Points taken, trust me. I want to address a few things, though: I don't work right now, and we weren't having sex- that was part of the problem. Of course, the reason we weren't having sex was because I felt like I couldn't trust him (over a few things, but also in general, I wasn't feeling safe enough to be vulnerable), we were arguing, and we had just moved and weren't connecting intimately, non-sexually. I think he loves me. He works hard, he can be really sweet and patient. I have access to his facebook, email, and phone and he doesn't, I've changed the passwords. Right now his work schedule is a week or two on, then a week or two off. Right now he's off for two weeks so we're together almost all the time. There's no way he can communicate with her (or anyone) without me knowing. It's extreme, but trust is almost completely extinguished, and I've let him make supervised calls. He seems really intent on saving our marriage, and I can't think of a good reason besides love.


The most important thing that sticks out to me in your response is that you THINK he loves you!!!! There should be no thinking about it! You should KNOW it! Take your blinders off. This is not a healthy marriage. Get some self respect for yourself. You deserve better.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The man is disgusting. You ask why HE is with YOU?? You seriously need to be asking why YOU are with HIM! Do you not believe that you deserve a man who doesn't cheat?? Do you feel loved?? Do you feel RESPECTED?? Because sorry to say, you are not either of these things with him. He told you just enough to make you think he is telling you the truth, and keep you desperately eating up his scraps. We all think you deserve better....why don't you??


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

rileyawes said:


> Points taken, trust me. I want to address a few things, though: I don't work right now, and we weren't having sex- that was part of the problem. Of course, the reason we weren't having sex was because I felt like I couldn't trust him (over a few things, but also in general, I wasn't feeling safe enough to be vulnerable), we were arguing, and we had just moved and weren't connecting intimately, non-sexually. I think he loves me. He works hard, he can be really sweet and patient. I have access to his facebook, email, and phone and he doesn't, I've changed the passwords. Right now his work schedule is a week or two on, then a week or two off. Right now he's off for two weeks so we're together almost all the time. There's no way he can communicate with her (or anyone) without me knowing. It's extreme, but trust is almost completely extinguished, and I've let him make supervised calls. He seems really intent on saving our marriage, and I can't think of a good reason besides love.


That's not a marriage, it's a prison sentence, for both of you.

You can love someone and they still be wrong for you. Get beyond the love bit. It's not all about 'love' and love shouldn't be the only reason you are with someone. You stay and have a relationship with someone because when you are with them you are better than you were. At the moment you sound like you're probably at a very low point and you're only getting worse. Your reactions to his actions are turning you into a crazy controlling person. Do you really want to be this person?


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I'm still thinking about it. I read this and it opened my eyes further. I think for now, I'm going to stay for now. I had a job lined up but it fell through, so I have to keep looking. My priorities for now are an STD test, individual therapy, and getting a postnup. I'll let him decide whether he wants to find a marriage and family counselor and change. I'm going to unlock his phone and accounts in a few days after I've cooled off. I've come to realize, partially through you all, that I need to allow him to make his own decisions. There is no virtue in lack of choice. If he chooses to avoid the same behaviors and people that have caused problems in the past, that's progress. If he has no access to them, it's not. I did tell him, though, that I sent a scathing email to his ex, and showed it to him. I actually did not send it, though, but since I'm handing him back the reins, I'm considering doing it. He said "I'm sorry that it will hurt her feelings, but it is all true. I don't think she'll forgive me for it. I'm glad you sent it."

I wouldn't do it mostly to hurt her, but to hurt him, and to give her the benefit of his true opinion of her (sent from his email account, so that she's aware that I've got access to everything). In general I don't think it's right to hurt people, but it would be pretty satisfying, not just to sever their relationship, but to have him know that the person who was a source of all that unearned praise, adoration, ego stroking, and flattery probably sees him as the piece of **** he's been.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The trickle truth routine does a couple things. It lend the appearance of honesty, without, of course, him having to admit to anything he thinks you'll actually leave him for. It also gets you to do the "pick me" dance.
> 
> If he admitted to everything he's actually been up to all at once, chances are you'd dump his cheating @ss in an instant. That's not what he wants. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you at home as a stable, reliable, giving partner _and_ he wants to have all the fun and drama of acting like a single man. He might lose half of that if he makes a real full confession. So he tells you just enough that it seems like he's being honest, but not so much that you'll leave. If more comes out later, he has the option to make it seem like not such a big deal. After all, you stayed when you thought X, so X+ or X- shouldn't really be a problem and why are you acting all crazy now?
> 
> ...


He is here look at what your husband is


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

rileyawes said:


> Points taken, trust me. I want to address a few things, though: I don't work right now, and we weren't having sex- that was part of the problem. Of course, the reason we weren't having sex was because I felt like I couldn't trust him (over a few things, but also in general, I wasn't feeling safe enough to be vulnerable), we were arguing, and we had just moved and weren't connecting intimately, non-sexually. I think he loves me. He works hard, he can be really sweet and patient. I have access to his facebook, email, and phone and he doesn't, I've changed the passwords. Right now his work schedule is a week or two on, then a week or two off. Right now he's off for two weeks so we're together almost all the time. There's no way he can communicate with her (or anyone) without me knowing. It's extreme, but trust is almost completely extinguished, and I've let him make supervised calls. He seems really intent on saving our marriage, and I can't think of a good reason besides love.


NO!!!!!!! DO NOT TELL YOURSELF THIS STUFF!!! You are making excuses for this man. You weren't having sex so that entitles him do do this? NO, NO, NO! You don't trust him and for good reason. Not having sex with him because you did not feel safe tells you everything you need to know, trust your gut but do not feel like you have been the bad girl by not having sex with this man. Do you always want to play "guard"? What kind of life is this. He said some horrible things to you about not liking his ex but would have sex with her anyway. What does that say about you? You think he would not be the same? Of course he will and just because you changed all of his passwords doesn't mean he is not going to find someone else some other way. This man is demeaning views women as objects for his sexual desires, that's all he wants.

Do yourself a big favor and go live with a friend or family and find yourself a job, do not look back, don't listen to this man's BS. He is going to feed you excuses and you want to accept them but he's no good. I have walked in your shoes girl, been there, guys like this do not change.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He is here look at what your husband is


LOLOL! That's hilarious. I don't think he's trying to get with other women now. I'm not making any big moves until I can tell whether his remorse is genuine and whether he'll walk the walk, now that he's identified the patterns that led to this. And I'm not taking the blame bc I didn't have sex with him. His issues LED TO me not wanting sex with him, then multiplied out of it. There is no way I'm responsible for his behavior, and I never allowed him to get away with saying it was, even though he tried.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Riley,

Your WH has to stop engaging in whatever behaviors were making you feel insecure and it has to be a 180, he has to make the extraordinary precautions which will make you feel safe.

This for example means he has to stop chatting up good looking girls at the bank or whatever and he should have no ex'es or friends of ex'es on his social media, he has to tell you everyone who encouraged, aided or in any way supported the affair/s they may have to go as well.

He has to become as HONEST as he was formerly DISHONEST. There are no longer small lies in your relationship, if he spent 100 on a pair of shoes he can't dare say he spent 50, tell him most people can come to terms with the truth no one can do so for lies and liars.

He needs to take a polygraph, if he is telling the truth there should be no issue. If he's not. he has to come clean least you decide to recover and find out 5 years from now that he was still lying. Assume it was physical and accept it, do not allow him to minimize the details.

The no lying rule goes for you too, his past lies in no way justifies your lying to him, and it would lower you to his level so don't go there. Avoid going to other men for support at this time as you are vulnerable. 

Tamat


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

All good suggestions. It's funny that you used that particular example because his bank has multiple branches. At most branches, he uses the ATM if possible. At one, he always goes in, even for a simple withdrawal. He admitted that it's because he wants to "see if" a certain teller is there. Sigh. I removed everyone he's had sex with in the past from his facebook, and some others that I don't trust. You're 100% right, though, Tamat, and I'll keep being careful.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I have to admit, I was enjoying punishing him a bit, even though I couldn't tell if his expressions of remorse were genuine or not. I'm still pretty sick about it (more revelations occurring of course), but I'll make sure I'm taken care of before I make any moves. He says he'll sign a post-nup, so I'll put an infidelity clause into it, plus make sure I'll get some financial benefit if (probably when) we divorce. He says he's doing it to prove his commitment, so we'll see if he actually goes through with it.

What do I do with someone who this morning told me he went to a strip club a year ago, before we married, told me without me asking (we were listening to a radio show that mentioned strip clubs), and then says he didn't think about whether it would bother me or not? Our marriage counselor seems to think that it's okay because he "didn't know." If he really didn't know, shouldn't he have called and asked if I'd be okay with it? My real issue, says the counselor, is things from my past, how they're affecting this situation, and how I'm letting my husband control the way I feel. We had a session this morning and I'm getting pretty fed up with both of them, honestly.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some marriage counselors are good and some need to have their license yanked. Feel free to change counselors if this one is putting all the blame on you. You wouldn't be feeling the way you are if your husband hadn't stuck his head up his nether part. I'm pretty sure that a good 90% of men would think their SO wouldn't be ok with a strip club. The fact is he didn't think about you at all. The "didn't know" doesn't hold water. Is your counselor a male?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your counselor is a twit. Find another one.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

riley,

It amazes me how many marriage counsellors just advise betrayed spouses to get over it. 

I would ask your MC some interview questions like.....Well now since we are being honest here.......

1) Did you ever cheat on your spouse or so?

2) If yes did you confess and make amends?

3) Did you ever lie to your spouse to minimize your own pain or avoid pain or save face?

If the MC can't even be honest in their personal life how can they help you in your marriage. They are just pickup up a check from you.

Tamat


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

Yep, he's been dumped. We're seeing a new counselor in a week, and he seems good. We have a couple more names in case we don't like him, though. Polygraph results came back last night: he answered no to "have you had any sexual contact of any kind with anyone other than [me] since you've been together" and no deception was indicated. It means something to me, but not too too much. At least that's one more lie he hasn't told! We did get STD tested before we did the polygraph, but better safe than sorry.


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