# well...things just got interesting!!



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I posted here yesterday and got some great advice about husband who has recently left me, with the assumption that it was to 1)guilt-free continue a PA or 2)start one. Our marriage has been struggling along for a little while and I was sad that his choice was to leave instead of work things out, and also feeling quite low about feeling as though I had "driven him away" by being a naggy, stressed wife and letting our sex life seeeriously lag.

Anyways, so he moved out days ago but has left stuff here. Last night I was motivated to snoop through an old laptop of him. I was able to effortlessly log into an email account that I didn't even really realize that he had.
TONS upon TONS of email conversations with women from a yahoo gaming website. All very very very sexual. Nude pictures from them, from him, all manner of stuff. He had been skyping with them (I didn't even realize he used Skype) and doing webcam stuff....and I am talking several women at a time, on one day a few months ago it looked like he had about two or three cyber sex conversations going on at one time.

In a few of the chats that I could read, him and one particular girl (who apparently lives thousands of miles away somewhere) talk about how they are "dating". It appears as though he was using his real name and also using a fake name, had a fake Facebook account set up....this is INSANE. The real kicker? Looks like he was chatting with some of these girls one night while I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son via c-section last year.

I AM HORRIFIED. And more convinced than ever that he has left to have a PA...he has probably had one before this! I'm not even sad, I am mad and actually so relieved that we are already separated so I don't have to kick is ass out.

The thing is--I'd like to confront him, and I will, but I can already see that he will blame this on me for our lack of connection and lack of sex....but real men SHOULD discuss this with their wives BEFORE turning into some kind of creepy perv on the computer, yes? I am worried there will be a lot of "she brought this on herself" if this info gets out.....he is the nicest guy, but obviously has some serious issues. Who DOES this??!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How do you feel about those D papers now Mrs.G?

Where are you going with this?

Be aware that your discovery could push him into a panicked frenzy and fear of losing you, how will you react to begging and pleading and false promises?

Think about all this before you confront.

I`m sorry you found what you found but I kinda expected it after your thread last night.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Can you back up all that you found on his old laptop? When you confront him, he may be able to delete it remotely from another computer/laptop.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, glad he's GONE.

Don't confront, just move forward. He's a liar and a cheat. Nothing he says is real.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mario Kempes said:


> Can you back up all that you found on his old laptop? When you confront him, he may be able to delete it remotely from another computer/laptop.


Actually yes save all the e-mails you can as it's a web mail account most probably and he can access it from anywhere.

Save everything before confronting.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

You know, I think I did too otherwise I would never have bothered to snoop on the computer. He spends most of his time on his cell phone and I figured any current evidence would be on there....and in fact probably is, there was nothing I could find on his computer from 2013. But in my heart I felt like he probably wouldn't just up and leave if this was the first time he was tempted to go outside the marriage. I figured there was probably a history of bad behaviour-I was right!!

I have to think of how I want to handle this...according to his emails this has been going on for THREE years, which means about the time our first kid was born. So I would imagine he isn't going to change any time soon, no matter what he says.
What I probably have to do is steel myself for the fact that he will somehow blame me for this. Since it coincides with our first baby I am guessing there will be mentions of "feeling neglected" and "no sex". And that is probably very true but uh, I wasn't having sex either and i didn't resort to whoring myself out on the internet!

He's left and with this new knowledge I'm feeling like would he even want to come back? Maybe that won't even be an issue. He might be relieved if I pull the plug first so he doesn't have to.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good riddance to that ass hat. Seriously. He's a louse. He's giving up a family he created for some cheap internet/phone/chat sex? gross.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I am going to save everything on our PC. It's all from a yahoo email, like a Hotmail, it can be accessed from any computer. Even if he'd taken the laptop I could have found this information, the laptop history just showed me where to look.

I am almost tempted to not even confront....I wonder if there's a point. He will just lie lie lie.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

That girl, I agree. I actually started laughing when I found all the info just from RELIEF. Now I don't need to beat myself up, he's just a dirt bag and it was probably nothing I did (....right? Haha)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's nothing you did. Seriously. You could have been the perfect woman and he'd still done this shet.

Be strong for your babies and be glad he's gone. Change the locks and don't communicate with him.

I'm trying to get my STBX out of the house. He didn't cheat, he just admitted (again after fixing us 1.5 years ago when he moved out) that he's been pretending to love me/want me our whole marriage. So maybe I'm just a bit bitter. lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My ex did about the same thing. It's pretty freaky to find out that all of this was going on when you had no idea.

You are right that it's a good thing that he has moved out. The chance of him ever agreeing to give this up is next to none. So just move on.

Do keep copies of everything you find. Put it on something like a memory stick and keep it in a safe place. You never know when it might be of use. 

I went further and contacted every one of the women my husband as in contact with. By doing this I found out that he was meeting some oft them when he traveled and having sex with them in real life. I got a lot of info from the women.

Some of them really thought that he was in love with them and were not initially willing to end their contact with him. So what I did was to zip up all the chats and emails I had of his and I emailed that to every one of the women. In the email I pointed out to them that he was saying exactly the same things to all of the women. He was writing love poems and sending the same love poem to several women at a time. When the women found out that they were 'special' and he was not in love with them.... they ended all contact with him. It really put a crimp in his style. 

Thought I'd share that with you as you might give you some ideas. People who do this online stuff can be so nieve and not realize that the person they get so connected to online is just playing a game and using them for self gratification.

Some of the women my h was in contact with actually wrote me back and thanked me as they had no idea he was being so deciptive and lying. They were nieve to put it mildly. They told me that now that they know how on-line-players/liars operate they were done with the nonsense.

Just move on. You are actually lucky that you found this out because now you know what you are really dealing with.. a man who is very messed up in the head.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I probably have to communicate for the sake of the children. But for nothing else that's for sure!! Good luck to whatever lucky lady has him now 

That girl, I admit I'm feeling a bit bitter too for kind of the same reason. It feels creepy that everything I thought about our marriage was a lie. I mean 48 hours after holding my hand in an operating room he was sending "oh baby you make me a horny" messages to a stranger on the internet. It hurts. But I definitely know that I for SURE deserve better. That lack of respect isn't the real love I'm looking for.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Totally. And it's hard when they start mind effing you===so be ready for that.

Something shifted in me the other day and I'm completely done. Filing divorce next month and told him he needs to move out.

I'm ready to just be home with my kids without seeing him every day. No.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I personally dont see the need to confront him. 
Wash your hands of it. In light of what you found, i would think that would be easier. 
And yes, he will blame you. 
My wife blamed me. And still does secretly, to a certain extent i beleive. 
But i dont blame me, so i guess thats all that matters. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

EleGirl, thanks. Is it worth confronting him over since he's already gone? I don't think I'm motivated to contact any of the girls really. Maybe some day. A few of them seemed super naive and it's too bad he conned them....but I kind of just want to wash my hands of this, I think. Not sure.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Yeah the blame is probably why I'm reluctant to confront. Obviously H is a great liar and I'm sure he will spin this to make me feel bad....he initially wanted to see my counselor (for IC, not MC yet) and he probably should still go. But he might never bring this up in counseling, it's been going on so long I doubt he feels any guilt about it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude. I'd just count my losses and trade up.

Be done with this drama. You see who he is now. Believe what you SEE, not what he says...

Don't worry about him getting help, etc. You can't control HIM. You can only control yourself. He's a big boy.

(I do take my own advice, yes  )


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Agreed. You are totally right. This is just so shocking and weird. I can't believe someone I thought was so awesome was such a sneak!! 
And I admit, with two small kids I feel a bit like who the heck will ever have me....but I won't be dating for a loooong while


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

MrsG84 said:


> Agreed. You are totally right. This is just so shocking and weird. I can't believe someone I thought was so awesome was such a sneak!!
> And I admit, with two small kids I feel a bit like who the heck will ever have me....but I won't be dating for a loooong while


My mom met my stepdad and she had 3 kids. I called him dad for 30 years. He was the finest man i have ever known. 
Just puttin that out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't worry about "who will want you". That is not even a question right now. You will be fine when it's time for you. 

But I know how you feel. Good liars, pretenders, etc. Dang. That's not love. That's not the life I want. That's not whom I want in my bed. Ew. Gross.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

naga75 said:


> My mom met my stepdad and she had 3 kids. I called him dad for 30 years. He was the finest man i have ever known.
> Just puttin that out there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Thanks, that is very encouraging  you may have to ask your mom how/where she met him, to give me tips!! My social circle is mostly 3 year olds and their mommies hahaha. I'm sure it will be different when they are older.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

That girl EXACTLY. He is a (mostly) good and kind person and I hope he can sort his s**t out in the future for himself....but I would be degrading myself to stay in this situation and accept this as normal. This is so not normal. I'm not anti-porn. Watch movies. Enjoy yourself. But don't give yourself a fake name and have a fake romance with a girl online. That is SKEEZY.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. My STBX seems like a nice guy too. Generous, helpful...but a liar. 

Once trust is broken like this, it's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to get it back. I don't want to live in that suspicion or walking on those eggshells waiting for the shoe to drop again, and I'm sure you don't either.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Save everything. You may not want to use it now, but there will be a time, promise. Divorce gets everyone talking, and everyone looking for someone to blame. Put it away, and the day that someone close starts grilling you, respectfully hand it over and let them see what really happened. No need to confront him with it, he knows. And your not wanting to save this relationship, so let him go with the knowledge that you were the one that got ripped off. If he finds out that the wonderful world out there isn't what he thought and he wants to come back, you will have a stack of papers you can go and read that will remind you of why you are better off without him. Good Luck to you.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Yea. My STBX seems like a nice guy too. Generous, helpful...but a liar.
> 
> Once trust is broken like this, it's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to get it back. I don't want to live in that suspicion or walking on those eggshells waiting for the shoe to drop again, and I'm sure you don't either.



No I do not. And I can't believe that in my thread yesterday I actually thought I could overcome a PA with just one person. I could not. I'm human, I am going to get mad at him and nag him and won't always want to have sex every time he wants to....and I can't live my life thinking that just because I do those things he is going to feel justified in having an affair or seeking out women online. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Patswife said:


> Save everything. You may not want to use it now, but there will be a time, promise. Divorce gets everyone talking, and everyone looking for someone to blame. Put it away, and the day that someone close starts grilling you, respectfully hand it over and let them see what really happened. No need to confront him with it, he knows. And your not wanting to save this relationship, so let him go with the knowledge that you were the one that got ripped off. If he finds out that the wonderful world out there isn't what he thought and he wants to come back, you will have a stack of papers you can go and read that will remind you of why you are better off without him. Good Luck to you.



Very very true. Thank you for that.
I feel unsettled thinking that he thinks perhaps he still has options open with me...but if I know that he doesn't then that's OK. I think this approach may be what I want to do, wait to confront him if he tries to weasel his way back OR if things get ugly.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

When I found out about by H, no-one wanted to believe that he would do such a thing, the thoughts were that I must have done something to "cause" it, if it really had happened. I was thankful that I had my hard copies, I actually had to call my mother-in-law over, pour her a cup of coffee, and hand it over. She never questioned me again, we never speak of it, but we are friends more now than we were before. In my times of doubt, I still refer back.......we all have weak moments.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you should take some time to let this sink in. You have to completely readjust your view of your H & this takes some time because what you found doesn't match what you know of him. But you're now getting a much fuller picture of who he is.

I hope you just let him stay 'gone' and move on with your life with your children. After a while, you can let him know that you know about his secret life. If you tell him after you've given yourself time to process, you won't feel defensive or let him gaslight you. By that time, the discussion will just be some sad icing on the cake.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

MrsG84 said:


> No I do not. And I can't believe that in my thread yesterday I actually thought I could overcome a PA with just one person. I could not. I'm human, I am going to get mad at him and nag him and won't always want to have sex every time he wants to....and I can't live my life thinking that just because I do those things he is going to feel justified in having an affair or seeking out women online. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time.


OMG yes. 

After my husband left the first time, I was glad he moved home but felt like I had to be PERFECT or he'd leave again.

Well, I was perfect  hahaha...strived to be...and he left again anyway.

Eff it. 

Now I'm just me.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Agreed, I feel really betrayed right now so it's easy to be really angry. I'm sure that won't always be the way.
I d still have teeny momenta of the "what ifs"- like could I have prevented this if I'd changed my own behaviour. And I guess maybe to some extent, but it feels like you really have to disrespect your wife to tell online strangers that you are single (repeatedly), didn't even mention the kids...lied about where he was working, told weird stories of exotic vacations he'd never been on. It's actually kind of sad.

But I just keep telling myself, I was dissatisfied with our relationship and still loved him enough to not disrespect him like that. There is something with him that is causing this.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think you should take some time to let this sink in. You have to completely readjust your view of your H & this takes some time because what you found doesn't match what you know of him. But you're now getting a much fuller picture of who he is.
> 
> I hope you just let him stay 'gone' and move on with your life with your children. After a while, you can let him know that you know about his secret life. If you tell him after you've given yourself time to process, you won't feel defensive or let him gaslight you. By that time, the discussion will just be some sad icing on the cake.



Great advice again, thank you


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

NO NO NO
You could not have prevented this.

EVEN IF he was dissatisfied with the marriage, you, himself...whatever...a HEALTHY person talks about it. Tries to work it out. 

A defected person doesn't. A defective person just does what s/he wants to do without any mind what the spouse will think or the feelings that will get hurt. Sure, they make you feel like it's your fault, but it's not. It's all them.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

He has never been good at communicating his feelings with me. I always had to pry it out of him. I don't think he had very good role models for a healthy and normal marriage.
I can't believe all of this was easier and better than just saying to me "I feel really ignored by you right now,how can we fix this?" How miserable would a normal person feel carrying all this baggage around with him for YEaRS? How did he even keep up with the lies? 
AND HOW THE EFF DID I NOT CATCH THIS?!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are married to my husband. LOL.

I caught it. I see TONS of red flags NOW that I ignored THEN.

Give yourself some time and you'll do the same


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I have to assume some of the conversations must have occurred while he was at work. The video chats I have no idea....I guess while I was asleep early after watching the kids all day. I knew he'd bought a little webcam and he told me it was so he could play games online with friends. How freaking gullible could I have been!! 
I guess he just caught me at a good time, two kids under the age of 3....I was busy up to my eyeballs. That is so sad.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What a d1ck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsG84 said:


> EleGirl, thanks. Is it worth confronting him over since he's already gone? I don't think I'm motivated to contact any of the girls really. Maybe some day. A few of them seemed super naive and it's too bad he conned them....but I kind of just want to wash my hands of this, I think. Not sure.


I contacted the women because I was in such shock. It took me about two weeks of almost constant snooping to find all of his accounts and the women. He was traveling for work during that time.

For me it was worth contacting the women. I had to know exactly what was going on. Since all of the activity was current and on going, for some reason I had the need to throw a huge wrench into is and distory all of those relationships. By the time I got done with it those women would have held a linch party if they had lived in our city.

He lied. He did not even tell them that he was married. One of of them had been writing him letters at his work and at the Mail Boxes Etc he'd set up. She told me that she was going to travel to our city to surprise him. She was going to buy the airline ticked that day. Well, I told her that the address she had was at Mail Boxes, Etc and not our house. The number was the mail box number, not a house number. She would have paid hundres of dollars to visit a mail box.

In your case I'm not sure it would be that helpful. He's gone. But if you have thoughts whatsoever of getting back with him.. yea, contact the women. You need to know exactly what was going on, if he met any of them in person, etc.

Do get an STD test just in case. You have no idea what he's really been doing..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsG84 said:


> I have to assume some of the conversations must have occurred while he was at work. The video chats I have no idea....I guess while I was asleep early after watching the kids all day. I knew he'd bought a little webcam and he told me it was so he could play games online with friends. How freaking gullible could I have been!!
> I guess he just caught me at a good time, two kids under the age of 3....I was busy up to my eyeballs. That is so sad.


Instead of helping his wife with raising your (his and yours) children this is what he was doing. Maybe if he had been there for you more, you could have been there more for his needs.

He's a selfish baby (sorry to disrespect him but that's what he sounds like). This is all about him throwing a big fit and cheating all over the place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsG84 said:


> He has never been good at communicating his feelings with me. I always had to pry it out of him. I don't think he had very good role models for a healthy and normal marriage.
> I can't believe all of this was easier and better than just saying to me "I feel really ignored by you right now,how can we fix this?" How miserable would a normal person feel carrying all this baggage around with him for YEaRS? How did he even keep up with the lies?
> AND HOW THE EFF DID I NOT CATCH THIS?!


That's the scary part. To know that he was doing this and you had no clue.

It could be that you just were not paying attention. You were focused on the children and not him. And you just trusted him... at least for a while.

Or it could be that he's just good at using your trust of him to help him hide what he's doing.

Some people play the game 'catch me if you can'. They work very hard at the game. And every day that you do not catch them is proof that you do not love them. The game is twisted because a person should not have to run around trying to catch their spouse who is hiding, neaking and doing the unthinkable.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Instead of helping his wife with raising your (his and yours) children this is what he was doing. Maybe if he had been there for you more, you could have been there more for his needs.
> 
> He's a selfish baby (sorry to disrespect him but that's what he sounds like). This is all about him throwing a big fit and cheating all over the place.



Thank you for this.
I know all of this in my heart but sometimes I felt like maybe my expectations were too high and I was just being a nag to be a b1tch. But I felt very alone and he should have respected that, bottom line. I told him repeatedly what I needed from him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes, some people are just amazingly good at hiding what they are doing. One of the more recent examples on this site is this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59667-stay-leave-him.html

Once unmasked, both the behavior and the person seem so pathetic.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MrsG84 said:


> Thank you for this.
> I know all of this in my heart but sometimes I felt like maybe my expectations were too high and I was just being a nag to be a b1tch. But I felt very alone and he should have respected that, bottom line. I told him repeatedly what I needed from him.


What he was/is doing is really dysfunctional. There's something very off with him to do this. It isn't any sort of natural response to anything you were doing.


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Yes, some people are just amazingly good at hiding what they are doing. One of the more recent examples on this site is this thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59667-stay-leave-him.html
> 
> Once unmasked, both the behavior and the person seem so pathetic.


Yes that's how I feel about him now.
I mean reading some of the stuff he'd written....he had gone so deep into inventing this online persona for himself. It makes me feel a bit sad, like he's either a total loser or he's so unhappy with himself that he had to do this. He has never even been on an airplane and he's talking about all these places he's travelled....a total lie. And send your freaking wife a message saying "I could use a hug today" and you would have gotten one. A REAL one!! Not just a stranger sending a kissy face emoticon!!


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

MrsG84 said:


> He has never been good at communicating his feelings with me. I always had to pry it out of him. I don't think he had very good role models for a healthy and normal marriage.
> I can't believe all of this was easier and better than just saying to me "I feel really ignored by you right now,how can we fix this?" How miserable would a normal person feel carrying all this baggage around with him for YEaRS? How did he even keep up with the lies?
> AND HOW THE EFF DID I NOT CATCH THIS?!


Amen to this !!!! Nailed it right on the head. I didn't get it either - but have heard and have to accept that mine says he felt ignored AFTER I discovered the A. Seems to me that it is nothing more than an attempt to put blame on me for his indiscretion. Remember, consider the source.


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