# How do I tell her I want out?



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

This is not easy for me but it looks like my girlfriend of 3 plus years and I just dont see eye to eye and there is a breakup on the horizon.

She knows it may be coming to this.

We live together and have for a year. We have 5 children between us but only one here all the time. We lease the home and the lease is up this month.

Neither of us can stay here alone. Its a pretty good sized house and really neither of us would need it anyway.

But she doesnt have the money to go out and get her own place with the deposit and first months rent and moving expenses. She can afford to live on her own and did when we first got together.

I couldnt stay here after we have this "discussion". So my thoughts are to find something temporary for myself until she moves out, even if she stays here for the 30 days. Ill probably just pay the last months rent.

Anyway with all that said how do you sit someone down and tell them this? I was married 23 years and that was a pretty clear break up. This is not so straight forward. Do you sit down and say "I just dont think we should be together" and list the reasons, which will start an argument, she will get pissed as hell, and can get a bit violent. I dont want to argue and fight. I would like this to be decently straight forward.

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> Anyway with all that said how do you sit someone down and tell them this?


I'm usually the dumper. Been there 5x in the past 5 years.

Tell them sorry but you're just not feeling it and there's no point in wasting each other's time anymore, and you'll do whatever you can to make the transition to singlehood easier for her short of giving her any money.



Cyclist said:


> I dont want to argue and fight.


Then don't. What's to fight about anyway? We're not talking about doing household chores, or drug addiction or whatever, and it's not even about money.. except of course you paying support to any children you have with her -if any- that won't be living with you, and that's pretty much as per state guidelines anyway.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I think you should just be honest. I would choose a Friday night (so your GF has the weekend to get over it BEFORE she has to go to work). I would simply say, "Girlfriend, we no longer want the same things out of life. When the lease is up at the end of the month, I will be moving out on my own. No, there is NOT someone else. I know this is NOT the long-term relationship that I want. I understand you're probably angry about this, but you can't make people FEEL the way you want them to. I'm not gonna fight about this. If you have questions, you can feel free to ask them, but I am NOT going to get into an argument or defend my position on this. I am entitled to feel the way I want to about this relationship and about my life and choices...as are you."


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I think you should just be honest. I would choose a Friday night (so your GF has the weekend to get over it BEFORE she has to go to work). I would simply say, "Girlfriend, we no longer want the same things out of life. When the lease is up at the end of the month, I will be moving out on my own. No, there is NOT someone else. I know this is NOT the long-term relationship that I want. I understand you're probably angry about this, but you can't make people FEEL the way you want them to. I'm not gonna fight about this. If you have questions, you can feel free to ask them, but I am NOT going to get into an argument or defend my position on this. I am entitled to feel the way I want to about this relationship and about my life and choices...as are you."


My heart skips about 4 beats reading this. That is exactly how I need to say it and it's going to be very hard on her but I should be ready and packed to leave for the weekend. There is actually a little villa not to far from here that I can rent for a month so that may be my living option. 

Can I just cut things off that weekend? The flood of texts and calls that will come will be enormous. I hate to be completely cold blooded but I think the only way I can get through this is a clean break.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Best delivery is: This isn't working

If she wants to try and fix it she will ask why. If not, then she won't. 

If you give her reasons when she already accepts it. She will just get mad.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Any particular reason you want to end it?
Is there any way it can be fixed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You tell her honestly "Girlfriend, I do not want to be in this relationship anymore."

Don't lie, don't give her false hope, don't try to feign you want to be friends and all that other BS. Just be honest. The sooner, the better so you can both move on w/ your lives. The longer you prolong this, the worse off. It's not fair to her or you.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Any particular reason you want to end it?
> Is there any way it can be fixed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have the reasons under another post in the Guys section and under the sex section.

She will say she wants to try and resolve but she will also say that I'm to picky or it's not her fault. While there are things I do that drive her crazy also I've tried very hard to fix them to the point I feel as if I'm not being myself. 

I still love her but I've hit an emotional wall. All the fighting has chiseled away at my feelings and finally it just hit bottom.

Can the issues be resolved? I had thought so, but I see now that many of them just can't. She is the way she is and there are certain things, like her inability to initiat anything sexual and to just freakin relax about certain things that will not change. So this is the next step

It's gunna hurt her and me also. I'm sure it's going to take a while to get over this. Gawk I hope it's not like they say......1/2 as long as the relationship was. 1.5 years of pain doesn't sound to wonderful. But I also feel I'm missing out on some of the things that I want to do with my life. I'm 45 and while I've experienced a lot I still have a pretty solid "bucket list" and my plan is to get it out of mothballs and start enjoying myself again.


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

did you jump into this relationship right after your divorce? if so, i can see why you want to pursue some of your own interests and start living your life the way you want to. I am almost a year seperated and i almost made the mistake of jumping into another serious relationship but thank goodness (even thought it hurt like hell) that ended. its time to concentrate on what you want and find happiness alone, sometimes this is hard advice to follow if youre used to being part of a couple but i think it is wise. Just tell her the relationship no longer meets your needs and that its unfair to waste either one of your's time and cheat her out of finding someone who could truly love her. try to be clear that you have no bad feelings towards her and do not regret anything but think its time to move on.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

It was while I was separated and going throug the divorce. It has taken forever to get my divorce finalized and it finally will be next month. Financial and property issues and fighting over BS. But for the last 6 months it has been quiet and my x and I actually get along ok now. 

That has been a difficulty on our relationship the D taking so long up until about a year ago it almost became like a running joke. "what is it now? The hedge trimmer?". But finally it's done

Anyway we met 9 months after separation. It took me a year to introduce my kids to her, and we moved in together a year ago. So I did have very little alone time. I dated a bit but not that much. 

I hate to say this but I've had a feeling it would come to this. I've had some issues with how needy she is from the start and I tried to just overlook it because we had such a good time together. But that was then, before we lived together, when I had a bit of space. Now I have very little to the point that even having a beer after work on a Friday afternoon with my guys that work with me is frowned upon. If I stayed out late I could see the issue, but home by 630? 

I have a very flexible schedule and can work mobilly, she gets very very little weekdays off and her getting time off is an act of Congress. I think I would like to travel a bit, even alone. Truthfully I wouldn't mind getting a road bike and just taking off for a week here and there. Just see what I see. I have family in south Fl, Alabama, and California. This may be a chance to et out and see things.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You say she could get violent? You mean physically?

If so, then break-up with her in a public place.

Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

C,
The next girl friend needs to be "daughter tested". Meaning that if they are going to fight with you to try to get you to suspend normal daddy/daughter generosity/shopping so that they get more spending money - dump them right away.




Cyclist said:


> I have the reasons under another post in the Guys section and under the sex section.
> 
> She will say she wants to try and resolve but she will also say that I'm to picky or it's not her fault. While there are things I do that drive her crazy also I've tried very hard to fix them to the point I feel as if I'm not being myself.
> 
> ...


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> C,
> The next girl friend needs to be "daughter tested". Meaning that if they are going to fight with you to try to get you to suspend normal daddy/daughter generosity/shopping so that they get more spending money - dump them right away.


I agree. I didn't have her meet the kids for almost a year and this was tough on them to see me with someone else besides their mother. I would do things very differently now. While I'm not bent on having anyone meet the kids right away I will pay closer attention when they do meet. 

Really didn't expect to be starting that process all over again and after all this I'm certainly not in a hurry moving forward for any relationship with the exception of the one with myself and with my kids.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Now I'm just trying to get all my ducks in a row to have this sit down.

A place to live, getting my important things out of the house, figuring out how to keep strong and not cave in are the biggest issues.

There is actually a little cabin I can rent month to month inexpensively nearby and that's an option. Going to look tomorrow.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You say she could get violent? You mean physically?
> 
> If so, then break-up with her in a public place.
> 
> Good luck.




Yes she has gotten mad enough to hit me a couple of times. I don't think it will get to that as I won't allow it to be. I've already removed any of my guns from the home. The only other really mportant things are my computers.... I work from home...and my bikes. Those are easy enough. If she wants to smash some of my furniture after I leave then she can have at it.


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

in my opinion hitting is never acceptable, by either sex. that would be a deal breaker for me, shows she is obviously not in control of herself or her emotions


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

My opinion also. I've NEVER gotten physical with a woman. I did push her out of my way once after I was cornered in a closet and she hit me and I warned her that if she continued to hit me I would defend myself. It's happened about 5 times in our 3 years. We got in a knock down drag out once and her daughter and she scratched me so bad I have scars on my arm.

When it goes to that point everyone loses respect for each other. Fighting just chips away at your relationship until one day someone just goes to far. Then that chipping away turns your emotions off.

That's how I know we are in trouble. I've just shut down


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I agree with MEM and Jellybeans. Direct, kind, clear, and honest. It's like pulling off a bandaid.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

moxy said:


> I agree with MEM and Jellybeans. Direct, kind, clear, and honest. It's like pulling off a bandaid.


I agree. I just need to get my ducks in a row and probably won't be able to have everything ready until next weekend. I'm trying to just work through my lost and not be to emotional.

I think I am going to plan a business trip the following week just to get out for a few days. Maybe getting out of town will do me some good and I need to go see some customers on the other side of my territory.

She has a bad cold right now so we have not been very close to each other. She just comes home from work and goes to bed.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Do you think she knows it is going to happen..?...


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Cyclist said:


> I think I would like to travel a bit, even alone. Truthfully I wouldn't mind getting a road bike and just taking off for a week here and there. Just see what I see. I have family in south Fl, Alabama, and California. This may be a chance to et out and see things.


Cycling, by yourself, is the best cure for any kind of emotional trauma there is. You've been through the pain of ending a 23 year marriage, surely leaving a girlfriend of 3 years can't be hard in comparison to that? You just have to grit your teeth and get on with it I think. Sit down with her, in public somewhere if she really is violent, and tell her you're done and are moving into the temporary place right away.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Do you think she knows it is going to happen..?...


certainly she doesnt know I am actually making plans. But she does know we are in trouble. Last weekend was by far the coldest I have ever been. I was civil and actually nice...but cold. I have been basically the same all week. She has had a sinus thing going on and that is my excuse for staying away.

I dont think it will be a complete suprise. She has been offered a promotion which includes a move about 45 miles away. At first I was pretty excited about it, but after speaking to my children and they dont want me to move that far away-which she really doesnt grasp-I started thinking do I really want this relationship so bad that I want to be that far away. Right now I am 5 miles away. That with the other facts may have pushed us over the edge. The move has been delayed and now may not happen at all. Funny part is...I was just offered a position basically in the same area. Difference is I can work more remotely.

I just hope I can be strong through this and not fall under the pressure of her wanting me to stay and also not get down or depressed over it all. Just going to try and keep myself busy and get out and be around people.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

One more thing folks,

Thank you all for your support. I know I am rambling a bit and probably saying the same things a lot....but its just my way of working through it. I have trouble being cold blooded and just "thats it im done" and walking away.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Lil update.

We have the weekend with no kids this weekend and I thought it would be the weekend for the talk but I cant get my ducks in a row by then. Monitarily its not going to work. Im self employed and my cash flow comes in at different times.

So she came to me this morning, she is feeling a little better, and said "lets do something special this weekend" I said what do you have in mind? She says "I dunno, you set something up" Which is the way this has always worked. Its a test. Her thoughts are if he loves me and wants me he will plan something this weekend.

So of course my mind is in a different place and starts swirling around of thoughts of maybe I should try. But I know what will happen, we will have a decent weekend, we will have a few ****tails and go out and end up having some pretty great sex, and then by Tuesday we will be back here.

I dont really want to bring up I think I want out on a weekend taht I am not ready to leave. How do you keep this stuff to yourself?


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Well I couldnt keep it to myself and ended up spilling the beans about wanting to leave. Obviously it was not a good weekend.

After 24 hours of back and forth we sat down and I laid it all out on the line. What I am not happy with, what I want to change, how I know I can be tough but that some things just cant happen, etc.

We sat down and listed out, on paper, the "his needs, her needs" from the book. I think she understands better my sexual needs but time will tell. I understand her needs and am willing to work on them. So we settles on we will both work harder and try and get it right.

THEN we hit a snag.....

Her daughter, who lives with us, has consistently gotten herself in trouble with the boys. Shes 15 1/2. We have known for a year.

My daughters came to me with this info on Wednesday. In the middle of the discussions with my GF we discussed that her daughter is still doing things she is not supposed to and said that they would not continue. She is going to end up pregnant and that is totally unacceptable to both of us. GF is at a loss, and her daughter is upset at me for discussing this as well as mad at my daughters. The deal is if one of them is doing something that is putting herself or other family in danger then you go to a parent. 

Sooooo more complications. I have a 17 year olds son who has had his own issues and its a very difficult situation. Its hard to see through all of this sometimes. In other words its just a freaking mess.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There are two ways to approach this:

"I need to have more sex to feel loved"

or

"We need to have a mutually satisfying sex life for this relationship to be viable"

(this is now you the MAN - leading) 

I need to know how to make this work for you. A big part of that is "letting me get you in the mood when you start out in neutral". And the first step in that is in teaching me/yourself how to best do that. 

An equally big part is minimizing rejection. It is your body, you always have the final say. "Can we connect tomorrow" is fine. "I don't want to" in an irritated voice is a whole different story. 

You (she) needs to do a good job conveying when she wants the night off. On the nights she does not do that, she either needs to relax and let you warm her up, or commit and follow through for the next night. 

My guess, you will find she responds better to being "taken" on the nights she is open to it. Taking does not imply a lack of foreplay or patience. It simply means that you are forceful in a good way. 

>>>>>>>>>>.
If you have left this as some vague "we need to have more sex" it won't last more than a couple weeks. If you have explained the way you intend for this to work, you have a shot. Pressuring her to initiate is likely not the way to go. Being "taken" is the ultimate compliment and hits a lot of desire triggers. I did it this afternoon. 



Cyclist said:


> Well I couldnt keep it to myself and ended up spilling the beans about wanting to leave. Obviously it was not a good weekend.
> 
> After 24 hours of back and forth we sat down and I laid it all out on the line. What I am not happy with, what I want to change, how I know I can be tough but that some things just cant happen, etc.
> 
> ...


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

No! Nooooooooooo!

I read your other thread about her insane jealous behaviour over the shopping trip and not only that, but she's _violent_?

You sound like a good guy, you're obviously fit, you love your kids you'll find someone better. Break up with her.


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