# I am sick of him! Help!!



## julee (Aug 24, 2009)

I have been married for almost 8 years and my husband is causing me so much stress that I am considering leaving him. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please help me!!

So, here are the basics!!

We have no kids but he does have 2 kids from a previous marriage (15 & 17). His ex wife is remarried but she is still very difficult to deal with. I never knew that marrying someone with kids could be so hard, however that is not why I am so upset.

The thing I am most upset about is that I found out recently my husband has charged up 37,000 in debt!! This has occured over the last two years. I am so disappointed. He owns his own business but I knew that he hadn't been doing everything he could to make sure it was doing well. He has been slacking off but I had no idea how much. I knew he had gotten "lazy" but I didn't know it was this bad. Even though he was severely in debt, he continued to race go karts!! :scratchhead:

Two weeks ago he registered for a race and registration alone was 1300! That doesn't include all of the other stuff. How could have he registered for a race knowing how much debt he was in???

By the way, in case you are wondering, we have seperate checking accounts. We both wanted that.

Here is the kicker! I own a business as well and am pretty successful. I have been paying the whole house payment lately (for the past 4-5 months) because he kept saying he was "low on cash". I feel like I was being used because he knew I would pay the bills. Oh, and I also picked up paying the water, electric, and gas bills. 

Also, and this really irriatates me!! My husband has not done the taxes yet on his business. So, we haven't even been able to do our personal taxes yet and it is August!!! That is just ridiculous.

I feel like his priority is himself! He only cares about himself and racing. Now, he is saying he will get himself out of this mess but most of us know that when you are in that much debt, you are in pretty deep and it is virtually impossible to get out of it.

Oh, and here are some other issues. We barely have sex! He has an ED problem I guess but wouldn't even go talk to anyone about it until recently. His blood work did show really low levels of stuff so I believe him but our sex life sucks!!! It is the worst! 
And, when we do have fun, he wants me to be on top and for him to be covered up because he gets cold!! I mean, come on are you serious??? 

We thought recently (before all of this) about trying to have a baby. Come to find out, his analysis was horrible. Everything was poor: poor count, poor swimmers, abnormal looking. So, if we even wanted a kid, we would need to do ivf.

I know it seems like I am bashing him so I will take a few minutes to say the good things. Overall, he is a good guy. He is not mean to me, doesn't drink or smoke, and he can be fun to be around. I care deeply for him as a person and would do anything in the world for him but I just don't know if I can take this anymore. I am so unhappy and when I look at him, I just feel angry.


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## phoenix2sun (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow seems that you have some stored up resentments toward your husband. 

His financial problems are making you feel used and fed up. The sexual difficulties are enabling you from connecting in a way that makes you feel loved. 
The key for each of these problems is he has to want to change - these are the things that are problems for you; does he see them as problems for himself? 

If his house payments are made and he continues to have his needs met then why would he see his financial problems as problems for himself - in all honesty they are problems for you not him. He hasn't seen the reprocussions from his actions - but you have. 

The sexual problems are problems for both of you: Have you communicated your feelings to him regarding your sex life? Perhaps in a way that communicates, how much you want him sexually and would like to make love to him. While telling him it is your hope that he will seek treatment for this problem. Of course, only if this is your hope. The sexual problems can be worked through with the right treatment - depending on the cause. There are sex therapists and health professions that can lead him in the right direction. 

One last thing - have you talked to him about your feelings and thoughts regarding how his finances are impacting you, and how the sexual difficulties impact you ? 

Since you have so much anger - try writting down all of your feelings, nasty thoughts- get it all out.... Then burn it. Next write a more subdued copy - this can be a guide for you. Try to avoid - name calling. Try to keep it to what he has and hasn't done not who he is. This usually helps avoid defensiveness - which ultimately leads to ugliness and no resolutions. 

And if you can do all of this than - you are a better person than myself!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Don't have kids and file for divorce. He is not a partner.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Has he always been like this? 

Did something occur in your marriage or your lives that may have drastically affected him or both of you.

Dont just throw in the towel without giving it all you got if you really are still in love with him. Is it possible he is depressed? Have you guys sat down and had an honest heart to heart about all this or discussed the possibility of councelling?

You may have to get tough with him to wake him up to the reality that is life. Sounds like he does have some issues but maybe he just doesnt know a way out.

Dont think that debt is inescapable. It can be done with teamwork and good planning. He needs to get on the same page as you first.

Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

preso said:


> Don't have kids and file for divorce. He is not a partner.


:iagree: 


It sounds to me like you have a "Peter Pan" having a mid-life crisis. I've been living in that hell for three years now. Mine basically gutted our business while he played sugar daddy to some 20 something year old tramps. Our credit is also ruined because I now know he was living a double life. He has four to six of those credit cards maxed out like the one you are describing. Oh, and my Peter Pan didn't even bother to file his 2008 income tax return either! They don't have those in Never Never Land! If you had a chat with his ex, I'm sure she would tell you his behavior was like this while they were married. Hang in there!


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## julee (Aug 24, 2009)

First, thanks guys for responding. We aren't even talking at this point. He is sleeping in the guest room. 
I don't think he was depressed but now, I am sure he is. Here is what I am most pissed about: he has let me pick up the bills including making the whole house payment by myself and he still registered for that race. I just don't get it!!!
When we try to talk, he gets defensive and I just get more pissed. I have no respect for him nor do I trust him anymore. He has really screwed up our finances. I just feel like he wants to be a kid alot of the time and I'm not looking for that. Also,I just don't understand how someone can neglect their business like that. He is so blessed and he is just screwing around. 
In all honesty, I feel like there maybe an obsession with racing but he will never admit that.
I think I'm scared to leave and be alone. I'm 39 years old now. 
he keeps saying he will fix this but I'm just still pissed on how he could let this happen, and to allow me to pay the majority of the bills while he is racing. That is so selfish. Should I just separate for a few weeks? I don't want to talk to him, feel disgusted, and I am just beat down. I just need some peace. Help me. 
Am I wrong for being this upset???


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm not kidding about "Peter Pan". That's obviously what you are dealing with also. I have been in individual counseling for over a year now--just trying to recover from the fall out of my "Peter Pan's" mid-life crisis. There's a book titled "The Peter Pan Syndrome" (which my therapist had me to read). Unfortunately, most of these folks can't be fixed. I have spent the last 25 years of my life trying. As I aged he remained forever 19.


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## phoenix2sun (Aug 24, 2009)

What would you hope to gain by seperating from your husband? 

What do you want to have happen?

Is what you want to have happen in your control? 
If so than make steps to make it happen. If not, which it sounds like what you want to have happen is not in your control but in his control, what can you do that is in your control to change your life and make it what you want it to be?

He is in control of his life - although it may not seem like it. And all you have control over is you. If or if he doesn't change is up to him. 

The question becomes - what do you want for your life if he choses not to change?

What changes do you need to see in order to feel good about your relationship?

What behaviors/feelings/thoughts would make you say this is over for good?

This will help you set perameters for what will move you to decide when to say enough is enough and when to say okay you actually have changed.

You may want to read some stuff on co-dependency - it sounds like you are very competent and he is very uncompetent which kinda sounds like co-dependency. I could totally be wrong but you sound smart and on top of things and he definately is not which is usually the way co-dependent relationships go.


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## hoffmangirl (Jun 1, 2009)

Ok, I am 39 and have no kids and was almost in the exact situation you are now. My ex was content to just live off of me while being furloghed while we lived like roomates! Literally...

There was no respect, consideration, emotion, romance, and finally one day I said ENOUGH.

For me personally getting divorced was the best thing i could have done for myself. Now, I am not saying this is right for YOU, but if he has bailed out of the unity of the marriage, you may be better off without him.

Have you tried counselling? I LOL when I think about that, I asked my ex to go to counseling for years and he refused, only when I wanted the divorce did he bring it up as a last ditch effort!

I would never label all men the same, but it does appear there are some when you give an inch they take a mile and yours sounds like one of them just like mine was.

Hey, I ll be 40 in a month and have done more in the last 2 months of divorce than I have in the last 2 years! But most importantly I have the luxury now to be selfish and focus on what is best for ME for once (hey, just sayin!)

Make some decisions and stick to them, what may liberate one (like me) may devastate another! personally I moved forward and never looked back...Good luck!


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## Firemonk13 (Feb 22, 2010)

Sounds like he is sick. Really. His soul is sick. I know the feeling. He is obsessing on the one hobby that provides outlet and successful feelings. He feels bad and ashamed of himself in the bedroom and in ther financial mess he has made.


Set him down and let him know he has a friend in you, allow him the upcoming race, but qualify it making it clear he needs to start getting his $$$ in order, pronto. Offer help and lots of sexual support, see what happens. Get him a psch appt and see if he is depressed. Share in his hobby a bit so its not an escape from your life together.


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