# Why do I let my boyfriend use me?



## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

I'm almost 60, married 34 years and not attracted to my husband. I have had an on and off relationship with a man 15 years younger than me. This relationship started about 9 years ago after the death of our oldest child. My husband was not dealing with the death well and was drinking a lot and very verbally abusive. I got in over my head and fell in love, and it continued for 6 years. My BF was married also and I found out he was seeing someone else besides me. He got divorced and then had a baby with this other girl (she is now 4 years old). Three years ago I broke it off and about 2 months ago we rekindled our relationship. During the time that we were broken up he married the other woman. He tells me he loves me and that we both married the wrong people. We have gone to a hotel twice in the last two months and I've been the one paying for it. I asked him to chip in but he "forgot". I make more than he does and he has called me his "sugar mama". I know what I am doing is wrong and that he is just using me. I don't know why I can't stop this. Seeing all of this in black and white makes me realize how stupid I'm being and that I'm totally being taken advantage of. I need advice, not judgement. I really want to believe that this guy loves me, but I'm afraid I'm just a sucker. Can someone please help?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He doesn't love you - he's using you and you're letting him. My advice would be to never call him or speak to him ever again.

Furthermore if your marriage is so awful you should get out of it. If it's making you so miserable and needy that you are willing to be treated like crap just for some affection then it's time to go.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I agree with Dolly. I would ditch the middle-aged man who calls you his "Sugar Mama," and either get your H into MC or leave him, too. If your H has unresolved issues surrounding the sad loss of your child, it's possible that they could be worked through - possibly not... Either way, you deserve to be happy, not used and abused, but it's up to you to let others know that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

confusedchloe said:


> I'm almost 60, married 34 years and not attracted to my husband. I have had an on and off relationship with a man 15 years younger than me. This relationship started about 9 years ago after the death of our oldest child. My husband was not dealing with the death well and was drinking a lot and very verbally abusive. I got in over my head and fell in love, and it continued for 6 years. My BF was married also and I found out he was seeing someone else besides me. He got divorced and then had a baby with this other girl (she is now 4 years old). Three years ago I broke it off and about 2 months ago we rekindled our relationship. During the time that we were broken up he married the other woman. He tells me he loves me and that we both married the wrong people. We have gone to a hotel twice in the last two months and I've been the one paying for it. I asked him to chip in but he "forgot". I make more than he does and he has called me his "sugar mama". I know what I am doing is wrong and that he is just using me. I don't know why I can't stop this. Seeing all of this in black and white makes me realize how stupid I'm being and that I'm totally being taken advantage of. I need advice, not judgement. I really want to believe that this guy loves me, but I'm afraid I'm just a sucker. Can someone please help?


Chloe,
The reality is that you are trapped between two men who are using you because you're vulnerable.
Your abusive husband , and the younger affair partner who seems to be a
" hustler."
I'm pretty sure he has asked you for " financial assistance" sometime in the past.

You feel bad for yourself because your self esteem has taken a hit, and reality is setting in.

Get rid of the hustler [ affair partner] and maybe you want to reconsider / evaluate your marriage to your husband.
But most importantly, you should take some time for yourself and deal with your insecurities.
Love yourself.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

confusedchloe said:


> I know what I am doing is wrong and that he is just using me.


Then it is a lack of self-respect at the core of this. 

The irony here is that by leaving him you gain that self-respect.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

confusedchloe said:


> I'm almost 60, married 34 years and not attracted to my husband. I have had an on and off relationship with a man 15 years younger than me. This relationship started about 9 years ago after the death of our oldest child. My husband was not dealing with the death well and was drinking a lot and very verbally abusive. I got in over my head and fell in love, and it continued for 6 years. My BF was married also and I found out he was seeing someone else besides me. He got divorced and then had a baby with this other girl (she is now 4 years old). Three years ago I broke it off and about 2 months ago we rekindled our relationship. During the time that we were broken up he married the other woman. He tells me he loves me and that we both married the wrong people. We have gone to a hotel twice in the last two months and I've been the one paying for it. I asked him to chip in but he "forgot". I make more than he does and he has called me his "sugar mama". I know what I am doing is wrong and that he is just using me. I don't know why I can't stop this. Seeing all of this in black and white makes me realize how stupid I'm being and that I'm totally being taken advantage of. I need advice, not judgement. I really want to believe that this guy loves me, but I'm afraid I'm just a sucker. Can someone please help?


Perhaps you should start charging him for a change.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You're worth more that this young bloke with no real aspirations of a relationship with you.

Divorce your husband, or go to counseling.
Then either rekindle the love you once had with hubby, or go to singles group to meet someone decent.


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## Porcupine (Apr 11, 2013)

Chloe,

I'd like to tell you a true story. At the end of it tell me what you think.

I was a separated mother of two, aged 40, went to a certain unnamed country with my best friend and met a very charming and sweet waiter who happened to be 16 years younger than me. We had fun while we were there, and vowed to keep in touch when I returned home. 

As soon as I got home the tales of woe started. His apartment was broken into and all his traveling money stolen. His dog got sick. He got sick. Caring about him, I sent him $100 (he asked for $200, but would repay me!!!). Then he wanted to start a business, in his poor deprived country, could I send him clothes to help him? He would re-sell them, at a profit. He would, of course, pay me back.

Eventually, and thankfully after only $100, I woke up. People will take what they can get. Ask for self-respect, you'll probably get it. Keep paying, and you'll get used.

I feel bad for you and your situation, and have lots more to say, so feel free to msg me if you want. But get rid of this idiot who is using you and start valuing yourself xox


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You let him use you because it's easier than taking control of your life, dumping him and figuring out what you want to do with your marriage.

.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think it's easier to make a clean break if you decide to forgive yourself (on account of having been the person who made the decisions that led to being used,) make up with yourself, and then figure out how you would act towards yourself if you were your own best friend (which you will be, after you stick up for yourself...) Start with the small things...making the decision won't be dramatic...your life will seem just the same with or without your little addictions to these men, but the longer you stay away from them and instead do things for yourself that improve your life, and invest in yourself, the easier the decision will be (the decision has to be an ongoing on...)


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

confusedchloe said:


> I'm almost 60, married 34 years and not attracted to my husband. I have had an on and off relationship with a man 15 years younger than me. This relationship started about 9 years ago after the death of our oldest child. My husband was not dealing with the death well and was drinking a lot and very verbally abusive. I got in over my head and fell in love, and it continued for 6 years. My BF was married also and I found out he was seeing someone else besides me. He got divorced and then had a baby with this other girl (she is now 4 years old). Three years ago I broke it off and about 2 months ago we rekindled our relationship. During the time that we were broken up he married the other woman. He tells me he loves me and that we both married the wrong people. We have gone to a hotel twice in the last two months and I've been the one paying for it. I asked him to chip in but he "forgot". I make more than he does and he has called me his "sugar mama". I know what I am doing is wrong and that he is just using me. I don't know why I can't stop this. Seeing all of this in black and white makes me realize how stupid I'm being and that I'm totally being taken advantage of. I need advice, not judgement. I really want to believe that this guy loves me, but I'm afraid I'm just a sucker. Can someone please help?


Have you and your husband attended any sort of grief counseling together? I read more in your post about the other man and how you're feeling than what's going on in your marriage.
I think you are just a sucker as you stated.You're being used by the other man and you're allowing it to happen.

Why do you want to believe the guy loves you? You are married to someone else,it doesn't matter what the OM is feeling.There shouldn't even be another man.Get rid of him,get yourself into counseling and maybe try to work on things with your husband.

How were things prior to the death of your child?Was he a good man back then?Did you love him then?If his issues started because of his grief,then they are fixable issues.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Porcupine said:


> Chloe,
> 
> I'd like to tell you a true story. At the end of it tell me what you think.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying. He has asked me for money in the past and didn't pay it back. So, I decided never again as far as loaning money goes. I must be putting out vibes to him about feeling used because yesterday he asked me if I thought he was taking advantage of me. I told him yes. He said he wasn't and that he just doesn't have a lot of money to pay for things (he has 4 kids and is paying child support). He continues to tell me that he loves me and doesn't want me to think it's all about the sex. 

I truly appreciate your support and help. I need to quit this addiction to him and need to get things right at home. Either separate or counseling. The big dilemma is though that no amount of counseling is going to make me feel sexually attracted to my H. I just can't bring myself to have sex with him anymore.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Have you and your husband attended any sort of grief counseling together? I read more in your post about the other man and how you're feeling than what's going on in your marriage.
> I think you are just a sucker as you stated.You're being used by the other man and you're allowing it to happen.
> 
> Why do you want to believe the guy loves you? You are married to someone else,it doesn't matter what the OM is feeling.There shouldn't even be another man.Get rid of him,get yourself into counseling and maybe try to work on things with your husband.
> ...


No, we never went to grief counseling. The reason I want to believe he loves me is that I am totally in love with him. I fell in love with him 9 years ago. A couple of times our first time around he told me he loved me, but then stopped. When we got back together recently he told me he loved me and always did. I had been waiting to hear him say those words. It's this love I feel and the sexual attraction I have for him that is totally lacking in my marriage. Things in the marriage were pretty good before our son died. So, maybe it is because of grief. (Except the part of me be unattracted to him).

Thanks for your support.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

confusedchloe said:


> No, we never went to grief counseling. The reason I want to believe he loves me is that I am totally in love with him. I fell in love with him 9 years ago. A couple of times our first time around he told me he loved me, but then stopped. When we got back together recently he told me he loved me and always did. I had been waiting to hear him say those words. It's this love I feel and the sexual attraction I have for him that is totally lacking in my marriage. Things in the marriage were pretty good before our son died. So, maybe it is because of grief. (Except the part of me be unattracted to him).
> 
> Thanks for your support.


It's good you recognize these negative things most likely came from grief though.

So if things were pretty good before your son died,why can't they be good again? It might be helpful to start at grief counseling.

When did you realize you weren't attracted to your husband anymore?

The way you speak of the OM makes me think you need serious individual counseling.You are so wrapped up in this person you aren't even supposed to be with since,well,YOU'RE MARRIED.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Why do you have a boyfriend while married? Your husband should be your top priority. You should be working on your marriage, not going off and sleeping with other men.

Does your husband know you are having an affair? Is it okay if he has another women as a girlfriend to have sex with?


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You let him use you because it's easier than taking control of your life, dumping him and figuring out what you want to do with your marriage.
> 
> .


You are speaking my love language (sarcasm) . Love it.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

So let me get this straight.... this guy you are in love with was married and had a girlfriend on the side when you started seeing him. Then he got a divorce (wife probably divorced his ass for cheating), got girlfriend pregnant, married girlfriend and now again sees you on the side. Sounds like a serial cheater for sure. He is using you and will continue to use you until you put a stop to it! This is not love! If he loved you all this time why did he marry the girlfriend after his divorce? Because he doesn't know what love is. He only knows how to use people. You seriously need to get away from him as soon as possible. He will only use you up and then throw you away. 

It should like your husband does not know how to handle the death of your son. You both need counseling. You can't see yourself having sex with your husband right now because you do not want to be in a marriage with him but, for some reason, do not want to leave the marriage.

The death of a child has to be the worse possible thing in life to deal with. I hope that you can find it in your heart to help your husband deal with his grief and forgive him for his past issues. Don't let the death of your child be the death of your marriage without at least trying to save it.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Why do you have a boyfriend while married? Your husband should be your top priority. You should be working on your marriage, not going off and sleeping with other men.
> 
> Does your husband know you are having an affair? Is it okay if he has another women as a girlfriend to have sex with?


I know I shouldn't have a boyfriend. Three years ago when I broke it off with him it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought about him every day, but then eventually started to try to put my attention on my H. I tried to muster up feelings for him that just weren't there. My big mistake now is that I gave in and started seeing him again. I know it's wrong. It's just so hard to say no. 

No, my H doesn't know about it. At times I've wished that he would meet someone and it would make it easier for me to end it with him. I feel terrible for admitting that I have even thought that. I wish I wouldn't let this OM have such a strong hold on me. I want to break it off again, but it's just so hard and I'm afraid that I will fail.


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## confusedchloe (Apr 15, 2013)

Baseballmom6 said:


> So let me get this straight.... this guy you are in love with was married and had a girlfriend on the side when you started seeing him. Then he got a divorce (wife probably divorced his ass for cheating), got girlfriend pregnant, married girlfriend and now again sees you on the side. Sounds like a serial cheater for sure. He is using you and will continue to use you until you put a stop to it! This is not love! If he loved you all this time why did he marry the girlfriend after his divorce? Because he doesn't know what love is. He only knows how to use people. You seriously need to get away from him as soon as possible. He will only use you up and then throw you away.
> 
> It should like your husband does not know how to handle the death of your son. You both need counseling. You can't see yourself having sex with your husband right now because you do not want to be in a marriage with him but, for some reason, do not want to leave the marriage.
> 
> The death of a child has to be the worse possible thing in life to deal with. I hope that you can find it in your heart to help your husband deal with his grief and forgive him for his past issues. Don't let the death of your child be the death of your marriage without at least trying to save it.


Yes, he sounds like a serial cheater and I guess I'm starting to look that way too. I honestly do not feel good about this behavior. He married the other girl about a year after I ended it with him. (I dumped him because I thought he was lying to me and I had a feeling he was seeing someone else, even though we never made an agreement to only see each other). This is besides the point, but I just don't get what he sees in this girl that he married. I guess he is the type of guy that likes very heavy girls (she has to weigh 250+). I asked him why he married her and he said for the taxes. I am starting to wonder now if he is just saying "I love you" to keep me around longer this time. 

Your last sentence really hit me in the heart. I should be a support to my husband and we both need to deal with our grief. Our son would be very sad if he thought our marriage was ending.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Chloe, I'm going to be harsher than most here but understand why...I hate to see women getting played by a player, that coupled with a total disdain for a few of your choices 

So let me get this straight, and you need to think about this from your non-selfish mentality for a second and think about it from your husband's perception.

He loses his child, which is INCREDIBLY difficult (as you obviously know). Some men can't process this, I know if I ever lost one of my kids, I'd NEVER be the same. I don't cry, but when I see stories of children suffering or dieing, or extreme situations of love between a child and their father, I tear up like a little "girl" LOL. So lets assume your husband feels like this too. So he CAN NOT handle this, instead of trying to grieve and work through it, he turns to drinking and lashing out. Both is just him trying to vent out this incredible pain he has inside him. Now I'm not saying the verbal abuse is right, it's not. But after losing a child, I can see a wife or husband acting "wrong" and you have to work through it. (as long as it's not physical, that's when there's NO excuse). So instead of trying to help him and yourself get through this incredible hardship, you jump in the sack with another man.

Wow, I can't imagine the pain your husband will feel. Losing your child and then having that lead to your wife having an affair.....YEAH LIFE!! If I were him, I'd probably get up, grab a gun, walk into the woods and just end it. What is there left in this world at that point. 

I'm sorry but your actions are abhorrent. Additionally, you hook up with a player. I'm sorry but I CAN NOT feel ANY sympathy for a woman (or man with reversing the genders) who starts off with "I'm married and MY BOYFRIEND is taking advantage of me". WAIT?!?! What?!?!

PS you're also taking advantage of this player. You like the sex and the attention you're getting from a younger more attractive man. 
----------------------------------------(okay 2x4 zone is over)

Please have a wake up call and realize that you AND your husband never recovered from the loss of your son. PLEASE seek counseling for each of you individually AND as a couple. Also CEASE all contact with the OM. He's a drug to you. He's an escape from the pain and sorrow in "your regular life". You are affected by the "affair fog" more than most. You don't really love the OM, you love the escape. You love how he takes you away from the misery of reality.

Please go seek help and fix yourself. Don't allow this man to take advantage of your vulnerable state.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sorry OP but I have heard your story endless times. I know I am making a sweeping generalization her but I believe the greater portion of women make this mistake or one similar in their life. 

My wife certainly did. Most of the girls I went out went had or did eventually. It is like the refiners fire for women. I just do not get it and never have.

You do it because you hope he will change, that he really loves you and that he will eventually see how good you will both be together. Of course it will cost you a great deal more dignity before your done with him .............if you ever are.


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