# How to git rid of the bitterness...



## Lowlife

New guy here......been divorced over a year and have a no contact policy with the x who cheated with someone who was supposed to be a friend. The affair went on for a couple years and yes I knew about and even confronted them about it. 

Anyway.....I find that even though things are good for me now and I feel that I'm in a good place, I can't seem to shake the bitterness, anger, and disgust about the whole thing. I really don't like that about myself and would like to how others have dealt with these feeling.


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## DelinquentGurl

The number 1 question I am sure has already been asked, but are you seeing a therapist? He/She would be able to help you with those feelings

My suggestion other than therapy, is to remind yourself that the past is in the past and nothing will change it.
Why waste time & energy on something that can't be changed no matter how pissed you are about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lowlife

No on the Therapy. Thought about it at first and decided it was not for me based on what friends had said. 

I do try and keep things in the past. I do fine most of the time but even after a year it's tough when the reminders of that past are everywhere. I'm in the midst of changing things around to get rid of the past like redoing my home (new furniture comes today), selling off a vehicle, etc. but there are some things I'm unable to just get rid of. 

It's really a long and stupid tale and unfortunately it involved a lot of people in what was a tight knit group. I used to have a place to talk this stuff out but that place was infiltrated by my x and my "friend" with who she cheated with. She went as far as befriending me and pretending to be someone else. Really weird stuff so I have basically had to withdraw from everything on the internet and end any mutual friendships. The only thing I haven't done is to completely change my lifestyle and give up everything that is me. 

Sorry for the long winded post but there is a rather lengthy backstory here. I have always said I could of easily made the Jerry Springer show. :crazy:


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## 827Aug

Unfortunately that's another one of those things that "time" takes care of. I've been in a particularly bad situation for almost six years now. My estranged husband's horrible behavior went beyond mere infidelity. Although nearly three years of therapy did seem to help, it ultimately took time to heal that deep wound. It's been almost four years since my husband moved out, and I'm just now getting to where I'm not consumed with the bitterness and anger.

In addition to counseling, you might find it helpful to find a new hobby.....anything to keep your mind occupied with happier thoughts. Also, turn to family, make new friends, attend church, volunteer, get a pet, etc. It will get better one day.


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## Lowlife

I have hobbies...which was part of the problem I think and how she was introduced to my "buddy". Turns out I don't live the lifestyle she was looking for. I continue to pursue my hobbies which means I'll run into those mutual friends that I have cut loose from time to time. It can't be avoided unless I do something completely different. 

I'm looking at starting another interest which I think will be good. I've made a few new friends, even have one that has potential to be that someone "special". I guess what I'm reading is it's just time. The holidays don't make it easier either.


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## whoyoo?

Brand new guy here - just registered. Going thru hell myself now, but have been dealing with a therapist for 2 years dealing with STBX's lies. For what it's worth, I always feel better after dealing with the therapist - the world just seems to make more sense after a session. Therapist had met with STBX 4-5 times in joint therapy and has insights formed not soley from my input. I would encourage you to consider it - do not know how I would have coped some days without a professional's perspective.


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## DelinquentGurl

I don't know what your friends have told you about therapy, but you certainly have nothing to lose.
You could find someone who specializes in post divorce issues. My biggest piece of advice I can give you is if you don't like your therapist, find another one. Do NOT quit therapy all together. Sometimes people don't click, but there are lots of wonderful counselors out there.

I've been in & out of therapy for years and the therapist I have now I've been seeing for almost a year and it has made a world of difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Struggle Within

Lowlife, I was right there with you for a long time. It started with a cheating wife august 2010 and my divorce is in the courts now. I'd say it took me a year and a few months to start getting rid of that anger and bitterness. Occasionally it creeps up but I find that I can push it out of my mind faster these days... like everyone says it is a "time" thing and it's different for each person. I feel I'm doing good right now when I evaluate things.

But lately I just keep telling myself the past is done and it will soon be like a dream. I didn't make the awful choices that caused my marriage to end. My ex did that. I know I can wake up and still have my integrity and that I'm a good guy so I still have a great future ahead without her. Keeping in touch with family and reconnecting with old friends has helped greatly. This is an expensive route but I'm trying to replace everything in my life to signify a new start. I have a new apartment, I bought a new cell phone and I went and bought all new shoes last weekend and threw all my old stuff away. Out with the old, in with the new I say.

I would have suggested moving to get a fresh start, but it sounds like you are a homeowner if you are re-doing things there. But remodeling is an awesome idea. While expensive I think it would be a great help. I've been flying through this solo, I didn't see an individual therapist at all during this time but again, it's different for all. Hope you are soon able to relax! It'll get there!


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## that_girl

I recommend therapy. It's done WONDERS for me and I avoided it for years. YEARS. I WISH I would have gone sooner.


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## Lon

lowlife, yep have to agree with others, a good therapist can really help you get in tune with yourself so that you can overcome the bitterness (or whatever other issue maybe causing you displeasure). BUT, you are the key... if you aren't open or willing to get in tune with yourself therapy is dfinitely a waste.


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## Lowlife

Thanks. I know what is causing my displeasure.  There's not much doubt about it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how someone can be a lying cheating pile of poop is all. I just can't for the life of me understand it but then I guess I really don't need to either. I don't think I could ever do that to someone yet alone a friend or a spouse. That is what is still eating at me. :beer:


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## andy32m

Lowlife said:


> Thanks. I know what is causing my displeasure.  There's not much doubt about it. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how someone can be a lying cheating pile of poop is all. I just can't for the life of me understand it but then I guess I really don't need to either. I don't think I could ever do that to someone yet alone a friend or a spouse. That is what is still eating at me. :beer:


I totally know how you feel. I was divorced 6 months ago. Her affair started in August of 2010 and we went to therapy together and attempted to work on things but she had already checked out. We seperated in March and were divorced in June. I have been continuing in therapy on my own and it does help. I know i am better off without her and what she had become....a liar. Defintely not the person i fell in love with. The bitterness and anger is very hard to overcome. Worse than being lied to know is feeling like i wasn't worthy enough for the truth. That really hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## raising5boyz

Lies also tore my world apart. I dealt with, and still deal with at times, the questions as to why....I wonder how someone I loved so much could hurt me so bad....at times I don't trust my own judgement because of it. But really what helped me was just realizing that that is who he is. What he did had NOTHING to do with me. He lies to everyone....family, friends, strangers... EVERYONE! So it is all his issue...it was nothing personal about me, and nothing that I did wrong. Yep, therapy helped me realize that. Still struggle at times....and yes, I'm starting up therapy again very soon!


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## nice777guy

Time...


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## Limping

Well since I am in the middle fo my own bitterness, I do not have much advice on that front.

I did notice that you met someone who has "potential" to be someone special. I warn against meeting anyone "Special" until you are at least mostly over your bitterness. 

If you are still affected so much by your previous relationship, you cannot devote a fair amount of attention to a new relationship.

my $.02

Bill


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## Lowlife

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lowlife

Oh yeah. I realize that and the reminder is well taken. It's nothing serious at this point. 

It comes and goes. I was actually doing quite well until I received an email the x a couple weeks ago. 
It sort of set me off I guess because what she wanted was so dumb and I had told her to leave me the hell alone. 
I will say new furniture sure helps and I think I'll be getting a lot new stuff and make the house truly mine. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422

I began to feel really better when I didn't own his EA/PA actions as a product of any inadequacy on my part. It was the x.

I have trained myself to look at each day as new and exciting. End of story. (Hey NC helps too). Oh and I am in therapy too. Oh boy I think the list is longer than that training statement. LOL


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## mapanoy

You need to decide to feel good about yourself, even though it's not easy but with the will power you can actually get rid of depression over time


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## diwali123

It takes about two years to really get to the point where you can start feeling like yourself and like you're "normal". I'm three years out from the separation and two from finalizing the divorce. It's only in the last year that I've been able to see him without feeling I wanted to puke or punch him. 
I have done a lot of work with therapists and I highly encourage you to do the same. 
I lost most of our mutual friends. In fact my matron of honor started sleeping with him four months after the separation while still pretending to be my friend. They're still together and live together, and I at times felt like I had more bitterness toward her than him. 
It's hard because you don't just lose your spouse, you lose friends and that hurts. 
I hope that you find a good therapist, it saved my sanity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remmons

I have been through some agonizing times through the past year and a half, ever since the time that I had discovered my X-W's affair. I have seen two counselors, and when my therapy was done, I had reached the goal that I had "satisfactorily met all requirements." But life at times is still not easy for me. I still have mixed feelings of her, including love, desire, bitterness, anger, anxiety, sadness, grief and darkness. But I have gotten to where I can focus on something else to take my mind off of her, or at least to reduce the severity of these emotions and feelings. I don't know that I will ever get over her, only time will tell.


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## mr. blue

remmons - I was in a the same situation. The “mixed feelings” is what makes it so hard to sort out. I think as time has passed I find myself more indifferent about it all. Focusing on things that make you happy, and exercise to keep your endorphins up is important. Time will take care of the rest. Hang in there and don’t give up!


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