# Need to understand what she is thinking



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Get home from work last night, wife cooking and wearinig yoga pants. I luv the yoga pants look. We are having some friendly banter, discussing the day and such. I tell her I like the look:smthumbup:

She replies back with, well they are comfortable, but they make my butt look fat and exaggerate my thighs. WTF. I give you a compliment and the reply back that I am wrong.

She has great legs, imo, so the thigh thing is crazy. She could drop a few lbs from the butt and gut, but she isn't fat and I don't care.

So what is she thinking?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> She could drop a few lbs from the butt and gut, but she isn't fat and I don't care.
> 
> So what is she thinking?


She's thinking just that, but just wanted you to tell her she doesn't


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe she thinks if she just accepts the praise it'll seem like she doesn't realize she has a few "problem" areas to work on. 

She wants to accept it but she has to let you know that she knows you know she has areas that could use work. ROFL did ya get that?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

naiveonedave said:


> Get home from work last night, wife cooking and wearinig yoga pants. I luv the yoga pants look. We are having some friendly banter, discussing the day and such. I tell her I like the look:smthumbup:
> 
> She replies back with, well they are comfortable, but they make my butt look fat and exaggerate my thighs. WTF. I give you a compliment and the reply back that I am wrong.
> 
> ...


I agree with Cosmos and SB ... even you admitted that yes, she could loose a few lbs... she also recognizes this... now in my opinion...is this such a bad thing.. would it be better if she was 50 lbs overweight and thought NOTHING of it and felt her man owes her his desire..

I have done the same thing on occasion when my H compliments me... and sure, it is a dig for them to "reassure" us that ...Yeah, despite something we'd change about ourselves (I don't like my stomach & my teeth)... that yeah, these things mean nothing to him....that we're still turning his head...

Heck my H does the same thing.. I will compliment him in a "Look at you, I want to eat you up" way...and you know what he does... he tells me I am "warped'.. well at least he is not on an Ego trip...that just allows for me to turn up the heat a little more....I've even told him....."You just want me to tell you how HOT you are"....and he'll smile and not deny it...


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Maybe she thinks if she just accepts the praise it'll seem like she doesn't realize she has a few "problem" areas to work on.
> 
> She wants to accept it but she has to let you know that she knows you know she has areas that could use work. ROFL did ya get that?


:iagree:

It's sort of: "I know that you know that I know that you know that I know!"


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lol exactly! 

Now it is always best to accept praise without qualifying it with a list of why you made the choice you made and why you feel you aren't that great.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My family of origin is pretty weird when it comes to praise and compliments. It was always an unwritten rule that the response should be along the lines of:-

"Thank you, but this item is really old and shabby"

"Thank you, but I feel a mess"

"Thank you, but it's a pity about the rest of me!"

At the very least, a show of embarrassment was required. I'm so glad that I learned not insult others that way when they were kind enough to bestow a compliment!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

oh goodness that sounds exactly like how I grew up too LOL

If I was still speaking to my mother I swear to this day I could compliment her and she'd brush it off then list ten things she hated about herself supposedly. Then she'd come back and tell me about all the dudes hitting on her. ugh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe she was just saying that she felt fat...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Maybe she was just saying that she felt fat...


:iagree:


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Just tell her after she complains about herself you think she looks hot anyways and leave it at that lol  

Everyone always has something to complain about themselves.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

thanks for the replies.

I forget my exact response, but I basically said "you look hot, don't try to talk me out of thinking that, because you can't."

BTW -we had a very good session after the kids were in bed, but she has not been wanting to O as frequently lately. Another thing that has been on my mind.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> thanks for the replies.
> 
> I forget my exact response, but I basically said "you look hot, don't try to talk me out of thinking that, because you can't."
> 
> BTW -we had a very good session after the kids were in bed, but she has not been wanting to O as frequently lately. Another thing that has been on my mind.


The O thing could be confidence related or maybe she just doesn't feel up to exuding the effort it can sometimes take to O. 

Your reply was really good IMO.You made her insult to herself about your feelings instead of focusing on validating her negativity with a response that pandered to it "no sweetie you really do look awesome" . I like your no nonsense approach and it actually reminds me a lot of my own husband.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> Get home from work last night, wife cooking and wearinig yoga pants. I luv the yoga pants look. We are having some friendly banter, discussing the day and such. I tell her I like the look:smthumbup:
> 
> She replies back with, well they are comfortable, but they make my butt look fat and exaggerate my thighs. WTF. I give you a compliment and the reply back that I am wrong.
> 
> ...


My DW does the same thing (less in the last year though). You cannot change someone's self-image, a reflection of their inner 'beauty'. In general, people are not comfortable with the inner understanding of themselves being out of sync with external validations. 

For example, all narcissists have an inner reality of worthlessness and use constant external validation to cope with this aspect of themselves they fear to face. This creates an incredibly fragile human being who spends most of the waking day baling water out of the sinking boat. 

So how do you convince your partner they are perfectly imperfect and worthy? I struggle with this question ... Today my response is ... I love them while they figure this out for themselves. 

Being told you are worthy from every direction conflicts with an inner sentiment of not feeling worthy. There is a lot to wade through here. Kindest Regards-


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

SB - thanks for the positive reinforcement. I think that was what I was looking for in my original post. Am I doing things the 'right' way. I feel better about it.

Re: the O thing. If you have followed my posts, we have been in a low sex rut for more or less a couple of years, not sexless, but weekly or less. We are over 8x in April, but I think she only has had 5 or 6 in the month. Normally 1 or 2 per session. She is pushing me away from giving them to her. We have had some issues where she loses lube after an O, so maybe that is the fear?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> SB - thanks for the positive reinforcement. I think that was what I was looking for in my original post. Am I doing things the 'right' way. I feel better about it.
> 
> Re: the O thing. If you have followed my posts, we have been in a low sex rut for more or less a couple of years, not sexless, but weekly or less. We are over 8x in April, but I think she only has had 5 or 6 in the month. Normally 1 or 2 per session. She is pushing me away from giving them to her. We have had some issues where she loses lube after an O, so maybe that is the fear?


I think that's an entirely possible explanation. Personally,I get sort of apprehensive after I've had an orgasm bc there have been times where things start to dry up a bit. The only way we've fixed that is by having him go down south for a bit and get me close to another O. Then he can proceed to have his own O and I usually have one at some point during that time. 

Other times all I'm looking for is one O and then for him to O. 

How long do you typically last after she has an orgasm?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

she normally only goes externally, so if she goes 1st sometimes it gets too dry. She sometimes can vaginally if cowboy, then typically I am done not much after she is done. I know if she wants on top, I need to hold out as long as I can 

Wish I got to go south more often, but that is another discussion.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> she normally only goes externally, so if she goes 1st sometimes it gets too dry. She sometimes can vaginally if cowboy, then typically I am done not much after she is done. I know if she wants on top, I need to hold out as long as I can
> 
> Wish I got to go south more often, but that is another discussion.


I get that,mine are typically external as well. 100% of my initial orgasms are from oral. After that it's a combination effort between PIV and oral. 

I'm really hearing from you that she has major confidence issues. It's definitely holding her back sexually especially with that oral issue.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

any thoughts on how to get her confidence up? Her lack of enjoyment can't be helping mine, as I wonder what i can do for her..... And I definitely want her to enjoy as much as I do.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

that's a tough one. I can always tell you what worked for us but that won't necessarily help you. Confidence is a tricky thing as you probably know.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

was hoping for more ideas, anyone? Bueller?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

-put down the fashion magazines. Glamour,Vogue,etc ALL of them. Just put the damn things in the garbage where they belong and never look at them again.
-stop reading entertainment news.Tune out as many models and celebrities as you can.
-no more "glamazon" reality shows like Next Top model and similar genres


Instead of focusing on outer beauty focus on what makes you feel good inside. Like volunteering as an example. No one is going to judge you for how you look or even look glam and perfect themselves in the world of animal rescue and things in that vein.You're not there to be a beauty queen, you're there to get dirty and help out. 

I don't know if any of this will help your wife's confidence but I'd tell any woman to do these things if she wants to see a marked improvement in her overall vision of herself. 

Confidence is something she has to gain on her own for the most part. You can support her and encourage her but unless she's feeling it for herself,your encouragement will go in one ear and out the other.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -put down the fashion magazines. Glamour,Vogue,etc ALL of them. Just put the damn things in the garbage where they belong and never look at them again.
> -stop reading entertainment news.Tune out as many models and celebrities as you can.
> -no more "glamazon" reality shows like Next Top model and similar genres



I don't know if you have seen these photos of models and actresses without makeup. It is quite telling really, because most of them look quite average really. And if I was with Cindy Crawford while the rest of her is really hot I would be all "Dr. Evil" about that mole....

My point is that any average everyday woman would also look like a million bucks if she spent three hours getting makeup every day, but who has time for that?

My wife does not like to wear makeup and I prefer that look anyways. I see these models in magazines and I know that they spent half the morning getting worked on - but I think women think that these models look like that all the time. Maybe I am wrong about that.

Either way, I like the suggestion. I think it is a great idea to really limit your exposure to all of this false madeup media...

(I also liked your response dave... make it about how you feel about her - not about she feels about her. I might have grinded on her a little too, just to emphasize the affect she has on you...)


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