# Girlfriend texting other guy



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I really need some advice. I am 40 and the girl I have been dating is 41. We have been dating a year and I have recently become concerned about the long term viability of our relationship.

I have actually known this girl for around 10 years. We had dated many years ago but after I found out about some of her promiscuous behavior with some guys who played on our ball team, I distanced myself from her although still remained in contact. I ended up moving away and she ended up getting married. Her marriage was not good and I was aware of that. Her husband was an alcoholic and was abusive. She admits it was a train wreck of a marriage.

She ended up separating from her husband and she and I eventually ended up dating again, as I moved back to where she was living. I found out while we first started dating that she was cheating on her husband almost from the beginning. She was seeing an ex-boyfriend whom she describes as her first love, during her lunch hours - they would go for walks and kiss - she says that is all that happened but it was going on for a while during the first year of her marriage. Then she met another guy who works in her building. They would go for coffee and essentially flirt and talk about sex during their coffee breaks. She eventually accepted this guys advances and had him over to her place while her husband was out of town and her 9 year old son was upstairs sleeping. They had sex in the basement of her house. This troubled me as well. She was honest about this which I guess was a good thing. I told her that I felt it was very selfish behavior and did not take into consideration the well being of her son. Anyway, she had originally told me she had no feeling for this guy but I could tell she was lying. I pushed her on this and she said she wanted more with him and would have left her husband if he also wanted more but she knew he only wanted sex. So in order to protect herself, she only slept with him once and told me it was no big deal.

My concern came about after we were dating for almost 10 months. I discovered that she had this guy on her cell phone and that she was still texting him. I also found out that she would send him naked pictures of herself. These were pics she had also sent me. I thought it was something special between us. She also still went for coffee with this guy and all he wanted to talk about were her boobs and how he wanted to have sex with her again.

Well I broke up with her over this. She begged me for forgiveness and another chance and because I have strong feelings for her, I gave her that chance. I asked her never to see this guy again, to go to counseling and to get stop getting in contact with her ex-boyfriends and she has done all this. Still, I am just not so sure I can ever get over this infidelity. To complicate matters further, I have discovered that she has sexual abuse in her childhood at the hands of her brother. I have read a lot about how abused individuals deal with this and can involve "sexualizing their identity". She has slept with over 30 men in her life and has always been involved with men who were bad for her. She gravitates to men who treat her bad. She says she has no secrets from me anymore and that I am the man she has always dreamed of being with.

I know this situation is a mess and I am fighting an uphill battle. Am I crazy for sticking with it?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I would say walk away and don't look back. You aren't married - don't have kids with her. No joint finances, no shared mortgage, etc., etc. Once you go much further - and if find out her old habits remain - it will be much, much harder to leave.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> I know this situation is a mess and I am fighting an uphill battle. Am I crazy for sticking with it?


No, you aren't crazy for wanting to stick with it. But you are a glutton for punishment if you do stick with it. Sometimes, we have to realize when a) problems are bigger than what we are able to handle or b) people that we want are no good for us. Nothing in your post has said, "This is a good woman to be with."
But, I cannot fault you for feeling what you feel because we want what we want. I think that you should step away and give yourself a chance to want someone else. Who know? Perhaps over this time your currently lady can get herself some help and become the woman that you want.


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## calimom82 (Jan 25, 2009)

I would walk away. I don't think you're crazy for having hope that it would work out, but it sounds like she is not ready to be in a committed relationship. Good luck to you.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

When I say I have "strong feelings" for her I guess I really mean I love her. She does have many wonderful qualities. She started to have these repressed memories of an incestuous relationship with her brother while all this texting was going and and she claims it has changed her. Changed how she thinks about life and relationships. She says she now understands why she always needed male attention and can now stop herself from going down this destructive path. I desperately want to believe her. My head says run away fast while my heart says give her a shot. Is the knowledge of the abuse enough to change her?


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## Lovemykids (Sep 14, 2010)

Not trying to be rude or disrespectful!!! But it sounds like she's the kind of girl who loooooves attention!!!! If a guys giving it to her then she will run with it!!! But these kind of people have emotional problems!!!! Doesn't mean you should just leave her but doesn't mean you should put up with it either!!!! Set bounderies and if she really loves you and is comitted to the relationship she will respect it!!!!!!!! 

Good luck to you!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women with past sexual abuse have SEVERE emotional issues, many of which are unfortunately dealt with by promiscuity. It will NOT go away without her going through intensive, long-term therapy. 

Do you really need to be her savior? It won't work.


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## pathwaystherapy (Sep 10, 2010)

She's got some significant issues with the nature of her boundaries, where she ends and others begin emotionally. I'd re-evaluate this relationship. I recently authored an article on boundaries and relationships on my blog that may be of some help you in determining what boundaries are and how they might help you in your relationship with her and what you can or will tolerate. You can see it here on my my blog site for my practice Pathways Counseling Blog Boundaries article.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've known this woman for 10 years and her character has been as consistent and predictable as the tides. What are you confused about? If you want a faithful, loving partner, what are you doing with a woman who is 41 years old and has apparently never been one? You have described a woman who is consistently promiscuous. If she tattooed "TRAMP" on her forehead, would it be more convincing? Whether you should end the relationship depends on what you want from it. If you want lots of casual sex and you don't mind sharing, go for it. If you want a monogamous partner, you obviously need to look elsewhere.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You're not wrong for what you feel for her. Where you would be wrong is to continue this relationship knowing all you know. You know, deep down, that she's not going to change. 

I have to be honest, the fact that she suddenly began having these repressed memories of this sexual abuse while texting this other guy leaves me a bit suspicious. I'm not saying it's not true, just that it came about awfully conveniently. But....assuming it is true, I don't think that simply having the knowledge of it would be enough to help her change her behavior. I think the majority of the time, people with this kind of event in their past need some kind of therapy to help them deal with it and get past it. 

Now, if she got therapy, I think it is entirely possible that she could deal with this and move past it, and quite possibly become a better person, a better romantic partner. But...until she does that, I doubt anything will change. 

I would walk away. You know what you want from a relationship, and she can't give you that, not right now anyway. And I would be very cautious about leaving the door open with any statements like "If you get help, maybe we can make it work" or anything like that because it will just give her an opening to pretend and try to fake you out. 

And just in case you're thinking "But she's discovered this sexual abuse in her past! Wouldn't I be a total jerk to leave her NOW, of all times?"...If you feel that, remain friends with her. Just don't be in a relationship with her.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

I say broom her quick. If she departed from her vows so soon after the marriage started the last time, she will ver likely do the same again. It is like Yoda said, "once you go down the dark path..." 

After an affair, subsequent affairs are easier to engage in and justify. the 1st time she feels like she isnt being attended to, has been put out, or put down or making consessions, the thought of cheating will cross her mind. 

As many have said, counseling could help and I would only agree to continue the relationship IF counseling is sought and COMPLETED.

Q~


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

What she says is that yes, she has never been in a loving relationship but she has never been in a relationship with someone who loves her like I do. She is begging me to give her a chance at love and happiness. Can love and being loved not change a person? She married the wrong guy whom she never loved. It was never a happy relationship. Could it be we have found each other, we are deeply in love and we can build something together? 

Yes, those of you who have said I doubt she can change are right, a part of me, my logical brain says I am stupid and naive and I should run away. My heart tells me to stay and give her a chance. I know if I was to walk away, I could never just be friends with her. That would just be too hard.

I do appreciate the replies. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If 30+ guys couldn't love her into changing, isn't it a little presumptious to imagine that you will? If you did have that magic ability, why is she sending some other guy naked pictures? Faithfulness (or in her case, lack of faithfulness) is a statement about who SHE is. The fact that she places the blame on each and every one of her wide assortment of previous partners is proof that she doesn't feel any obligation to herself or her partner to be faithful. This woman is still married, dating you, and sending naked photos to at least one other guy. I don't cheat, not because my wife is so wonderful or gives me abundant love, but because honesty is a value which is important to me. If you want a faithful woman, you need to find one who has lived her life demonstrating her commitment to that value.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I guess I want to believe that she can change so badly, I can't see the forest through the trees.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Perhaps you can't see through the trees because there's too much "wood" involved. Samson had a similar problem. Hope your story turns out better than his.


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## Quicksand (Sep 20, 2010)

No, she's not going to change. People rarely change, and at 40, it basically doesn't happen. And change has *never* been forced on someone outside of a more or less a longterm hostage situation.

If you can't handle being the most important, but not *only* man in her life, then it's time to go.
I can't for the life of me, understand why you went down this road to start with.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Am a pretty sure I was in love with her 10 years ago when I first met her and prior to learning about her past promiscuity. Sometimes love will make you do strange things and see the world through rose-colored glasses.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some relationships become habits, much like smoking. Even though they are killing us and really adding nothing to our lives, we mindlessly continue. I'm sure she's quite attractive, but I'd rather have a "5" in my bed than a "10" in someone else's. Besides, a five two times=10. You may be in love with an illusion and not objectively calculating what exactly this person adds to your life. Too many lovely, lonely people out there for you to be pressing your nose against the window waiting for one to decide it's time to come home.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Yes she is very attractive but I have dated attractive women before that I wasn't in love with. I realize you think it is all about sex but I will honestly tell you, that is not the case. There is a connection for me that goes far beyond the physical. 

Yes I know all my friends say leave as does everyone on this board but yet I struggle. My head says go but my heart says stay. I feel like if I do stay, I am betting everything on the roll of the dice, but on the other hand, I want so desperately to believe her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> Yes she is very attractive but I have dated attractive women before that I wasn't in love with. I realize you think it is all about sex but I will honestly tell you, that is not the case. There is a connection for me that goes far beyond the physical.
> 
> Yes I know all my friends say leave as does everyone on this board but yet I struggle. My head says go but my heart says stay. I feel like if I do stay, I am betting everything on the roll of the dice, but on the other hand, I want so desperately to believe her.


 OFFSPRING - SELF ESTEEM LYRICS


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> OFFSPRING - SELF ESTEEM LYRICS


Haha...not even close to that, however, it did make me laugh so thanks for that.


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