# Question for the ladies



## BALDBEAVEREATER (Apr 1, 2010)

I have been married for 8 yrs. and I can say that I love my wife but I can also say that at times I don't like her very much. I harber some feeling about my wifes' past that I just can't shake. I found out that she was very sexually active as a teen and had as many as 27 partners by the age of 19(she started having sex at age 13). This has left me woundering if I made a mistake in persuing her and ultamitly marring her. I must say that I was no virgin when we met and I don't want to fault her for enjoying sex. However, I do feel that if I had known that she had been with that many men maybe I would not have tried to have an exclusive relationship with her. So my question to the ladies is: Did you keep any secrets from your husbend while you were dating that may have led to him not wanting to marry you? and if so are you still keeping that secret? why is it such a big secret and will you take it to the grave?:scratchhead:


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## pulse (Mar 24, 2010)

Nothing relevant to divulge I'm afraid but an observation if I may. Assuming your wife is faithful to you, I think you should try to come to terms with her past and not hold it against her or resent/dislike her for it. Resentments can grow over time causing unnecessary and longstanding outfall so again, if she's faithful, don't hold past actions/decisions/activities against her. Most of us would have done some things differently if we had our time over.

I can imagine finding out such stuff is a blow but I think you know you ought to let it go. Maybe, once this thread has run its course and you've got it all out of your system, you'll be able to do just that.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I wasn't sure if you were the one, but I recall you were having issues with your size before.

The underlying theme here seems to be a lack of confidence and security about yourself and your bedroom issues have less to do with her and more to do with you. Your wife had 27 partners. . .she had a man with a big schlong before you.

Okay, should have there been disclosure? Yes, I think that would have been fair to you. Did you ask? Did she lie? All that is a little bit relevant.

But why now is this important?

What's more relevant is she likes having sex and is faithful now, right?

I don't know. . .I have discovered that the # of partners doesn't really equate into how good or bad someone is in bed or how faithful or unfaithful they will be. I have had the virgin and the experienced and both were fulfilling and unfulfilling at times.

I think your focus is entirely off.

And as much as sex is important, and I can't beleive I am saying this (LOL), it's not everything. 

Yeah, it really isn't


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

BALDBEAVEREATER, you hate women. Or maybe you just keep finding stupid reasons to hate your wife. I don't know because I am no therapist, but you sure do need one. And your wife needs a new husband.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I am sure there are things in your past that you are not proud of. What are those? Should your wife love you any less because of those, or are you a different person today? 

How are you at forgiving yourself for your past? Don't you believe she deserves forgiveness for hers? Especially as she was a young teen/child still that made bad choices. She is the one that needs to face that and recover from it. She must've had a hard childhood in order to go through so much as a teen. That deserves understanding and compassion, not your judgments or criticism.

But back to you now. I'm wondering if you are a drinker or what other dysfunction is going on for you to focus so much on your wife and how she falls short with you? 

What are you avoiding facing in your own life that might be better off looking at and fixing?


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

@BALDBEAVEREATER - i am more worried about your wife having history of childhood sexual abuse - because sometimes having sex with so many partners at that young age can be a more deep-rooted problem and never enjoyment. She needs counseling. Love her but having 27 partners is a lot !!! There is a deeper problem here.


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## foxy (Jun 10, 2010)

How do you know about your wife’s past my guess is she told you she was not keeping things form you and my guess is also, that it took allot to tell you about her past and she did that because she trusted you and believed you would not judge her and now you are resenting her for past mistakes that she can not go and change.

Before I met my husband I was in a serious relationship for 3 years at varsity I fell pregnant and had a abortion I never told my husband about it until about a year after we got married, not because I was keeping it from him but because it was very difficult for me to talk about it. I never expected him to react the way he did .

When I told him instead of the understanding and love I was expecting I got resentment. 
He even told me that if I told him before we got married that he would not have married me I told him it that was true we should get a divorce because I can not be married to someone who would not love me in spite of the mistakes I have made. That made him realize how ridicules his statement was and that he stil loves me and would still have married me. He had a very difficult time dealing with it and I could even understand why but he hurt me more than I can say he is suppose to be my safe place. We have worked past this and he is still a great husband and I love him more than I could ever say.


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## Christie (Jun 27, 2010)

It sounds like your wife used sex to act out her pain from some trauma she endured. She probably doesn't look back and think "Oh man, I'm glad I had sex with all those guys at such a young age, how I wish I could go back and do it all over again!". It was probably a painful, confusing time in her life that she wishes she could erase. Don't torture her - or yourself- about it. She's now a married adult with a different life. She is the person she is today because of her experiences. And do you like who she is today? That's the important thing.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

BALDBEAVEREATER said:


> Did you keep any secrets from your husbend while you were dating that may have led to him not wanting to marry you? and if so are you still keeping that secret? why is it such a big secret and will you take it to the grave?:scratchhead:


no, i didnt keep any secrets from my H. he knew about the guys I dated and the extent of my sexual experience. i think if you love someone you wont hide things from them.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am not a lady but, please ignore. 

Unless you were devout religious people who openly shared values on premarital activities then i am not sure your wive had a duty to disclose this even though you are hurt by it. It is an unfair double standard that you are putting in place here. If this was a deal breaker you should have disclosed this from the beginning. 

I agree with others that you are looking to be angry with your wife for some reason which is sad. Try not to judge your wife for her past as it is that the past and for goodness sake you don't need to discuss your respective pasts. 

Try to forget about your wife's past and how insignificant the number of men she had been with or how you "measure up" to them. Many of wish we were longer, wider, taller, richer, better looking etc. then we are. Try to let it go. Insecurity in one partner can destroy an otherwise healthy relationship. 

You have given no reason to think your wife dousn't love you. But, you have given allot of reason for others to think you don't love yourself and therefore questioning why she would. Exept that she does and again try to move on. 

good luck.


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