# HELP please....



## BJC612 (Jul 6, 2008)

Hey I just joined and wanted some advice on my situation.

I have been engaged to the woman of my dreams for the past 5 years (Prolonged engagement) and well she is the apple of my life. We have two kids together and the whole sha-bang. About two years ago, right after my father passed away (Which was a difficult time for me and well my Mom passed away right before then as well) she cheated on me. It was during a National Guard drill weekend and she said she was drunk and just did the wrong thing. Of course like everyone here I was hurt more than anything when she told me about the incident (A month later...a month in which she was angry with me and found anything and everything to get into an arguement about). But we worked through it and I bottled up my hurt because she became devoted to me...or at least she seemed. 

Flash forward to now, and she just recently came back from her annual two week training for the army (Where she goes away for two weeks) and before she left everything felt perfect...for the first time in years it was great with her. I didnt feel hurt anymore from her cheating on me. Well she came back and acted exactly how she acted after the incident two years prior. No interest in me, finding little things to get mad at me about and acts like she is hiding something. After telling her my thoughts on how she was reacting (That she was acting just like before) she promised me up and down that she was just depressed about life and would never cheat on me again.

Well, I know this is wrong, but I didnt want to be cheated on again and just wanted to know so I took a look at her cell phone and realized there were multiple calls and text messages to a guy in her unit. So just curiously I asked her about this guy and she got all defensive. At first she told me (The guys initials are OB) that the number was for the OBGYN and not to worry, so of course I asked 'how could you text the OBGYN'. That led to her blowing up saying 'You dont have to know who it is. I can have male friends' So I just asked , as nicely as possible and not pryingly, who he was and what he did in her unit. Well she flipped out and said 'You dont need to know hes just someone from my unit.' When I say flipped out she was yelling.

So finally after going around and around for ten minutes and me saying shes acting like she is hiding something (And saying that I'm not accusing her of anything I'am just wondering why she is acting the way shes acting) she told me it was a friend O'Brien and they only talked once since the annual training.

So after that I asked would he like to come out to dinner with us just so we can all hang out, maybe we could all be friends and also she could show me there is nothing to fear...well she immediatly snapped and told me 'he wouldnt be interested and I dont talk to him anymore' which changed too 'I dont see why you would want to do this its none of your buisness.'

So I let it be. A day or two later I was playing poker on her phone and became curious george and started looking around her phone to see if what she said was true. Well she deleted his old number on the phone. So I was like 'wow shes telling me the truth' but then I checked the text messages/call lists and found she had been communicating with someone named "Veronica" daily and well Veronica's number is the same one for OB. 

Also during this time she has changed her password for AOL (Not like I go on there but we have auto-log on so when I click to sign on it signs on the last name) and is still very distant with me.

This might be stupid but should I believe her that she isnt cheating or is this friendship really something else.
I have a feeling I blew this up out of proportion but I really dont want to get hurt again and dont know if shes telling the truth or not.

So if anyone has an opinion on whats going on or what I should do please...pretty please...help


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

It sounds to me like you cannot trust her, sorry to say. If I were you I would seriously consider not marrying her. It sounds like the classic pattern of a cheater. They get angry and defensive or they blame you to cover up what they are doing.
I am sure you love her, but I think it's a good thing you aren't married. Just my opinion...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Welcome to the forum! You're going to see there are plenty of people here with similar problems. Although you are really hurting now, it does make the pain a little more tolerable when you have others to communicate with. 

It's obvious that you have an issue with trust in your relationship. That's a BIG issue, since the success of a relationship centers around it. Since she has admitted to having an affair before, you're going to always wonder. She really isn't helping there. You don't know for certain she has strayed this time, although her behavior is highly suspicious. She is going to get defensive and say you are too controlling. I'm just afraid it's going to become a nonproductive cycle. I guess my advice would depend on how much you want to save your relationship. If you want to save the relationship, I wouldn't take the direct approach with her. Perhaps get a GPS tracking device or a PI. Then if you have absolute proof of an affair, you've got a problem. I have been where you are and have exhibited some of the behavior you have described. It got me nowhere--it just made my husband more distant. 

Whether she is or is not having an affair this time, I recommend counseling. The trust factor is going to always be a factor for you (in this relationship or future relationships if this one fails). If she is unwilling to go to couples counseling, then go alone. While my husband and I have been seeing a therapist for several months, it hasn't restored our marriage. But it has helped me learn to cope with issues better. In addition, I'm starting to see why we got to this point.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

cao428 said:


> It sounds to me like you cannot trust her, sorry to say. If I were you I would seriously consider not marrying her. It sounds like the classic pattern of a cheater. They get angry and defensive or they blame you to cover up what they are doing.
> I am sure you love her, but I think it's a good thing you aren't married. Just my opinion...



:iagree:

draconis


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