# Husband doesn't care about my feelings



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband and I are (still) on a brink of divorce. One big thing for me is that he doesn't care about how I feel. It's almost like... He disagrees with them and therefore he doesn't have do modify his behavior Bc I am wrong. It's like, they are my feelings and he doesn't think he does anything to cause those feelings so therefore they are my issues.

My husband has done a lot of stretchy things that make me not trust him. Examples from over the years.... Flirt with women in front of me. He blew a kiss to my friend in front of me. Someone told me to watch out because they see him flirting with another nurse (I work in a husband). He has went on a conference, went to the bar, flirted with a girl and told me he enjoyed it, and according to him she kissed him and he said he couldn't do this he's married and so he walked away. He got a text from a women on Christmas morning, wouldn't let me see it and panicked and deleted all his messages. He says it was a physcian assistant he works with and she group texted everyone, and he didn't know why he freaked out and deleted it. Ok here is the thing, I actually do not think he has slept with another women. And honestly I don't want to hear that he is cheating on me people. I tell him I don't trust him and he gets mad and says that he has always been honest and he hasn't done anything and he gets offended. I want him to get find my friends on his phone. He refuses. I've cried, told him I don't trust him and it's hard to feel safe in this marriage, and if he doesn't have anything to hide them why not get it? He says he cares that I don't trust him but he's doesn't do anything to ease my distrust. He disagrees and says he's a loyal trust worthy guy. To me, it doesn't matter my feelings are my feelings. He says that the reason why he won't get find my friends is because he feels like it's a control issue, and that this is a little bit of control that he has that he won't give up (me knowing where he is all the time). And I do kinda understand that but if you don't have anything to hide then why fight so much not to get it. 

She had a huge fight last night about this. He was imo downplaying what he has done in the past and kept telling me it was 4 years ago. This is a downright lie. It was this Christmas, and the girl kissed him a couple months before Christmas. He basically made fun of me by saying you still don't trust me after what I did to you 4 years ago!?!? (In a rude and sarcastic tone). I flipped out. It wasn't 4 years ago and thanks for taking responsibility for your behavior. I slept in the spare room. I told him I can't be in a marriage like this. I can't do it anymore and he needs to show me he really wants to be in this marriage and put effort in to make it work. He literally disagreed. He said were not getting s divorce. I love you and I do try in this marriage and I do respect your feelings. Then ****ing do something! Get find my friends and learn how to freakin talk to me with respect. Read a marriage book or go to counseling .... Nope. He says no Bc he doesn't have time. (He is a resident and works 100 hrs a week). I get you don't have time but that doesn't excuse how you speak to me. 

I don't know what to do. Is forcing find my friends so wrong of me? I'm emotionally exhausted and he doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't get why I'm upset and hurt. It's like he doesn't understand or care about my feelings even though he swear he does.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're talking out of both sides.

At the top you warn against being told in our replies that your husband is cheating. You say that


> k here is the thing, I actually do not think he has slept with another women. And honestly I don't want to hear that he is cheating on me people


And then you go in to list some fairly minor things that clearly suggest you think he is cheating.

You honestly do not think he has slept with another woman and you do not wish to hear anyone suggest otherwise. If true, stop here and stop fighting with him, because all the rest of your examples of his "stretchy" behavior aren't important. And they aren't important because you believe he has been faithful. In which case, your lingering doubts are either a control issue, as your husband stated, or you actually do believe that he has been unfaithful.

You have to decide which way to proceed. Do you believe he has been faithful or not? If you believe him, stop picking fights with him about your jealousy. If you don't believe him, then you should start collecting evidence and proof. You can't have a foot in each camp.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> My husband and I are (still) on a brink of divorce. One big thing for me is that he doesn't care about how I feel. It's almost like... He disagrees with them and therefore he doesn't have do modify his behavior Bc I am wrong. It's like, they are my feelings and he doesn't think he does anything to cause those feelings so therefore they are my issues.


He doesn't empathize with you. I empathize with any and everyone. We fail to do so, to our own detriment. Mainly, individuals don't empathize, because if they concluded that they had something to do with your feelings, it would cause them personal pain. As such, they stay blissfully ignorant.



> My husband has done a lot of stretchy things that make me not trust him. Examples from over the years.... Flirt with women in front of me. He blew a kiss to my friend in front of me. Someone told me to watch out because they see him flirting with another nurse (I work in a husband). He has went on a conference, went to the bar, flirted with a girl and told me he enjoyed it, and according to him she kissed him and he said he couldn't do this he's married and so he walked away.


:surprise:

Do you know how red the left side of my face would be if I let a woman get close enough to kiss me, let alone kiss me? I detect a lack of barriers.




> He got a text from a women on Christmas morning, wouldn't let me see it and panicked and deleted all his messages. He says it was a physcian assistant he works with and she group texted everyone, and he didn't know why he freaked out and deleted it.


He knows you know he lied. He just can't admit it



> Ok here is the thing, I actually do not think he has slept with another women. And honestly I don't want to hear that he is cheating on me people.


If he was, would you?



> I tell him I don't trust him and he gets mad and says that he has always been honest and he hasn't done anything and he gets offended.


Not true. He couples that lie with turning the blame on you.




> I want him to get find my friends on his phone. He refuses. I've cried, told him I don't trust him and it's hard to feel safe in this marriage, and if he doesn't have anything to hide them why not get it? He says he cares that I don't trust him but he's doesn't do anything to ease my distrust. He disagrees and says he's a loyal trust worthy guy. To me, it doesn't matter my feelings are my feelings. He says that the reason why he won't get find my friends is because he feels like it's a control issue, and that this is a little bit of control that he has that he won't give up (me knowing where he is all the time). And I do kinda understand that but if you don't have anything to hide then why fight so much not to get it.


You shouldn't have to. It alters the structure of a relationship.



> She had a huge fight last night about this. He was imo downplaying what he has done in the past and kept telling me it was 4 years ago. This is a downright lie. It was this Christmas, and the girl kissed him a couple months before Christmas. He basically made fun of me by saying you still don't trust me after what I did to you 4 years ago!?!? (In a rude and sarcastic tone). I flipped out. It wasn't 4 years ago and thanks for taking responsibility for your behavior. I slept in the spare room. I told him I can't be in a marriage like this. I can't do it anymore and he needs to show me he really wants to be in this marriage and put effort in to make it work. He literally disagreed. He said were not getting s divorce.


It is nice that he gets to cast your vote and his.



> I love you and I do try in this marriage and I do respect your feelings. Then ****ing do something! Get find my friends and learn how to freakin talk to me with respect. Read a marriage book or go to counseling .... Nope. He says no Bc he doesn't have time. (He is a resident and works 100 hrs a week). I get you don't have time but that doesn't excuse how you speak to me.


It doesn't take time to be a good husband/wife in the present moment. If he has time to flirt with others, he has time to be good to you.



> I don't know what to do. Is forcing find my friends so wrong of me? I'm emotionally exhausted and he doesn't seem to get it. He doesn't get why I'm upset and hurt. It's like he doesn't understand or care about my feelings even though he swear he does.


React to the truth. He just wants you to back down. Still, I don't specifically advise spying. You can make some real progress by having serious conversations that don't turn ugly. When things get ugly, each of your prides are invoked. This route isn't going to get anywhere. I advise taking a different approach. Then you will give him the chance to bring himself to the table. If he doesn't, then you consider whether to accept it or move on. He won't change by being yelled at or forced into it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Let me clarify. I do not believe he has had sexual Intercourse with someone else. I do believe he not being trust worthy and respectful of our marriage. So no I don't trust him. I don't know that he isn't having an emotional affair or even hanging out with girls while he is telling me he is working. That's what I don't trust.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Relationship Teacher I have tried to talk to him in a calm way. He doesn't get it. He says "sorry", but then will downplay what he did it even make fun of my feelings for having them still. All of which show me that he really isn't really sorry. 

Sometimes I think... He knows what he is doing. He's being stubborn and hurtful and won't be open and honest. And he's being a ****. And other times I think... He really doesn't understand how he is hurtful. He always turns the blame on me and never fully takes responsibility for his actions... Which is why we never resolve things.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I think the problem is, I feel like I am the only one trying to make this marriage work and putting in the effort. I am the one suggesting therapy, books, spending more quality time, picking up hobbies together, learning how to communicate better, I am the one who initiates sex. And I feel like I have become a manager of this marriage which can perceive as controlling. But if I don't manage and control... We become 2 roommates that don't have sex and don't do anything together. 
He just wants the good in the marriage and not the bad. I think I just need to stop doing so much work to make this marriage work especially if my efforts aren't being matched.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Let me clarify. I do not believe he has had sexual Intercourse with someone else. I do believe he not being trust worthy and respectful of our marriage. So no I don't trust him. I don't know that he isn't having an emotional affair or even hanging out with girls while he is telling me he is working. That's what I don't trust.



Sorry but you have to decide if you think he is faithful or not.

Do you really feel he is having an emotional affair with another woman, or several other women?

Maybe he deleted that Text because he knows his wife would blow it out of proportion?

Maybe he shouldn't be held accountable for how other people behave around him?

Maybe this marriage is suffering because you two do not agree on boundaries. And instead of discussing the boundaries you are jumping on every little thing that alerts your insecurity. And yes, it is insecurity.

Stop forcing him to agree with you on how you interpret his behavior and focus, instead, on agreeing to civilly discuss specific boundaries.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I think the problem is, I feel like I am the only one trying to make this marriage work and putting in the effort. I am the one suggesting therapy, books, spending more quality time, picking up hobbies together, learning how to communicate better, I am the one who initiates sex. And I feel like I have become a manager of this marriage which can perceive as controlling. But if I don't manage and control... We become 2 roommates that don't have sex and don't do anything together.


This! Now this is more honest, I think. 

You are feeling like you are the only one who cares about the marriage. If you are the only one initiating sex that doubles your feeling alone in this marriage.

Let me just throw this out, because my husband said it to me and I had to pause on this: he married you because he knew he could rely on you to tend to the marriage so he could tend to his career? Does this change the way you feel at all?


It didn't make me feel any better about being the bus drive of my marriage.

The bottom line is that he isn't cognizant of how his lack of initiative, and passive acceptance, makes you feel unloved. 





> He just wants the good in the marriage and not the bad. I think I just need to stop doing so much work to make this marriage work especially if my efforts aren't being matched.



I have found that backing away from constantly assessing the health of the marriage to be beneficial in my own marriage. However, my husband had already made some good progress. If he hadn't made any progress ....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I think the problem is, I feel like I am the only one trying to make this marriage work and putting in the effort. I am the one suggesting therapy, books, spending more quality time, picking up hobbies together, learning how to communicate better, I am the one who initiates sex. And I feel like I have become a manager of this marriage which can perceive as controlling. But if I don't manage and control... We become 2 roommates that don't have sex and don't do anything together.
> He just wants the good in the marriage and not the bad. I think I just need to stop doing so much work to make this marriage work especially if my efforts aren't being matched.


You said he works 100 hours a week. He doesn't have time to go to therapy, read books, or pick up a hobby with you. Just existing is probably a feat for him. I think in another thread of yours you were advised to wait until his residency is over and then try to work on these sorts of things. i don't think you can expect much out of someone who has to work this much.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> @Relationship Teacher I have tried to talk to him in a calm way. He doesn't get it. He says "sorry", but then will downplay what he did it even make fun of my feelings for having them still. All of which show me that he really isn't really sorry.
> 
> Sometimes I think... He knows what he is doing. He's being stubborn and hurtful and won't be open and honest. And he's being a ****. And other times I think... He really doesn't understand how he is hurtful. He always turns the blame on me and never fully takes responsibility for his actions... Which is why we never resolve things.


I would boil down my approach as a "factual" one.  There is what works and what doesn't work. I carry out this approach, personally and professionally, with compassion. We can be nice to romantic partners, and nothing will change. We can be mean, and nothing will change. We need the change to occur, while showing each other that there is something salvageable on the other end.

Any sadness or anger is ultimately weakness. Once you become angry or sad, he no longer "has to" change. It forces you away from exerting positive (compassionate) pressure on him.

Even so, he might not change. He has to find his own catalyst. At that point, you accept it or move on. You aren't at that point, yet.

This might be one approach:

"I am not happy. I do not trust you, as you have been very flirtatious with other women. I am not going to spy or check up on you. I do not accept the way you treat me. Things must change."

From there, the recipient tends to get very defensive and tries to beat down what you have said. The minute you argue back, they win. You could, instead, repeat yourself, or something along those lines.

Do you see how firm this is? Your statements are not able to be brushed aside. Along with this, there needs to still be a hand extended to his shoulder. It won't change overnight. If you stay consistent, it can change. If too much time goes by, with no results, then you might start indicating your pending vote to leave. I also favor being good to him, during this period. It takes time, and we have to lead by example. If it remains one-sided, the answer will be more obvious to you. There will be more words said by you, but that is an idea. When you get past his castle walls, you can speak more from the heart.

This is an escalation:

"I am not happy. I do not trust you, as you have been very flirtatious with other women. I am not going to spy or check up on you. I do not accept the way you treat me. Things have not changed. What will you do (not say) to bring us to a healthy place?"

The last chance:

"I am not happy. I do not trust you, as you have been very flirtatious with other women. I am not going to spy or check up on you. I do not accept the way you treat me. Things have not changed. I do not accept this arrangement. I am leaving."

It might take him to get to this point to realize he has to be good to you. At the same time, I don't advise using threats or ultimatums. That is why this is carefully worded, and you actually have to be ready to do follow your words (I am leaving). You also have to be prepared, should he indicate that he agrees. If he does do a 180, then you havn't manipulated him. You told him you rejected the situation and were leaving that situation.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

We can't have a open honest discussion and that's the problem. And it isn't because I jump on him with every little thing. He tells lies all the time because he doesn't want to "hear it". He just wants to do whatever he wants to do without consequence. He was always like this with his parents, always lying about dumb things. He's in his 30s and he still lies to them about dumb things. When I ask why he says... I don't want to hear it. 

He is immature and can't take responsibility for his actions so he lies and denies. Guess what? Sometimes things you do hurt people and they get mad, does that mean it's that persons fault? He needs to learn how to handle conflict. God forbid I get upset about something! That means it's my fault? He is not being held accountable for my behavior. However, you can't think you don't have consequences for your actions because you do. He has no accountability. 

I have had very honest conversations about me not feeling loved, me feeling that I am doing all the work. Nothing changes. It's been 5 years. We have resolved nothing. When I stay factual... Like last night. I said I am unhappy. I can't do this anymore. For me to stay in this marriage you need to show me more effort. Then he goes around and around saying he loves me and he's trying and he respects me. Then I said, I don't have anything else to say. Your words say one thing and your actions say different. I am looking at action only. But I love you blah blah blah. Then I said I have nothing else to say. I've did everything I could, I've explained my needs in detail for years and nothing changes. And I slept in the spare. This happens all the time and nothing changes. He uses the fact that he works so much to get out of any tough meaningful conversation about the marriage so it never gets addressed. Today for example... He will probably be at work all day, and when he comes home he will be tired and nothing will be addressed. As usual. As he likes it. 

I understand he works 100 hrs but I'm not asking a lot out of him. He doesn't have to do much around the house. All I ask is for him to talk to me with respect, and not lie and be stretchy. It takes the same amount of energy to be nice then it does to be a ****.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You said he works 100 hours a week. He doesn't have time to go to therapy, read books, or pick up a hobby with you. Just existing is probably a feat for him. I think in another thread of yours you were advised to wait until his residency is over and then try to work on these sorts of things. i don't think you can expect much out of someone who has to work this much.




I expect respect. I was trying to find an outlet for his stress, a way we can spend time together and de stress. I don't expect much. He has fellow residents that are married with kids. They find time to balance family life and spend time with their kids. He can find time to spend time with me, he chooses not to.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi Katie, I understand what you're going through & understand the frustrations you have also. 
I don't think he's cheated either but uses the encounters with other women to feel good about himself & also to make you jealous. 
Maybe he's a bit too emotionally immature to know what to do in order to help the marriage. Explains why he doesn't understand why you get so hurt & upset. 

Maybe the first step is to politely ask him, why does he need validation from other women? And will he stop texts etc & delete all their numbers. 
Is he still on the phone at the time at home? 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hi Katie, I understand what you're going through & understand the frustrations you have also.
> I don't think he's cheated either but uses the encounters with other women to feel good about himself & also to make you jealous.
> Maybe he's a bit too emotionally immature to know what to do in order to help the marriage. Explains why he doesn't understand why you get so hurt & upset.
> 
> ...




He admits that he loves being hit on by women and gay men. He is insecure and he knows it and he loves feeling sexy or whatever. If I ask him to stop deleting texts he will say it was only that one time he did it. 

Yes he is still on the phone all the time at home. It's getting worse. And I am giving up on telling him the same thing over and over again and explaining things to him. I am left with this internal sadness and disappointment. I mean how many times can I tell him... Hello I'm here, I'm a person in this marriage. Put your phone down and spend time with me. Why don't you be more affectionate why don't you even try to have sex with me anymore with no changes from his side. It's embarrassing and pathetic. And I just feel sad.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Leave him and find a man who can cater to your needs. He is not able at this time and may never be. You are not strong enough for his chosen career path. What you think you will gain when he finishes residency will only make you feel even more lonely and desperate. He deserves better. You deserve better. 

I'm sorry that reads so harsh, Katie. I don't mean to hurt you. It's what I see in your posts. 

P.S. Pretty much everything AnonPink said, I agreed with. Anon is a very strong woman. Believe her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

When does his residency end?

You cannot change him into the husband you want and need. It has been five years. You know that. 

He does not want a divorce now because he does not have time to deal with it. He will later, on his terms.


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