# Quality time question...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have a question I'd like some input on...

My love language is quality time. My husband tends to this in fits and starts. He is not a quality time guy and finds it doesn't come naturally and it is a great effort for him to make the effort.

We are stuck in a cycle. I arrange quality time, or discuss with him arranging something. He usually comes up with an excuse why we cannot or why it will be difficult to arrange, usually because of finding a sitter.

I will encourage him to find a sitter on his side of the family or I will arrange something. If it is on him he will leave it and leave it until it is so late no one is available or just not bother. If I get a sitter arranged and make plans, he will make excuses as the time approaches saying he can't be bothered or he's too tired. Then we end up staying in.

A couple of weeks ago we said it would be nice to do something for new year. A friend was having a party. We used to go to these parties years ago and really enjoy them. So I managed to arrange for someone to keep an eye on the older kids and for the younger to sleepover with relatives. It was quite a negotiation to get them all looked after that night but managed to arrange it.

Two days before he said he didn't want to go. Said he'd take me to his local bar. I knew his friends would be there who he meets two or three times a week. So basically he turned down a date with me which seems to rarely happen nowadays to do what he does anyway every week with friends.

I like his friends. We get on. But I was upset that he couldn't just try to spend some time just me and him.

The cycle then goes to me getting upset and telling him I'm not happy. That I try my darndest to do things that I know meet his needs every day. He says he will try harder and makes a showy effort for maybe a week. Then it is back to normal. This is where we are now. He promised we could have two nights a week "us" time and he is doing what he did before, staying up late then wanting to "snuggle up" when he knows I am so tired all I want to do is sleep.

I try so cheerfully to arrange dates or evenings in. Keep it light. He just thinks any mention is a nag. Then I get stuck: do I mention it and get accussed of nagging or not mention it and trust he will keep his promise which he isn't? I am starting to feel resentful of doing nice stuff for him because the one thing I ask him for: his time:he is so reluctant to give to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

At some point, you may need to turn down the thermostat and quit meeting some of his needs. Explain that he is not living up to his promises. He will likely tell you that he will really try this time. Assuming he falls back into his habits, scale back on doing the things that meet his needs. When he asks, calmly tell him why and then walk away. Make him work to get you back.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Whoah, this sounds just like me and my stbx-H. I'm quality time and physical touch and he was words of affirmation. I never nagged, but I did often implore him to make time for me. I asked for like 20 minutes on the porch at night outside after the kids went to bed, with no TV or laptop or anything just to talk. I begged for him to come to bed the same time as me and just talk to me and if I fell asleep first them fine, he could get up. He said he didn't trust anyone to babysit our kids. I was the one settling for breadcrumbs and then he went and cheated, so obviously I wasn't giving him enough affirmation for not meeting my needs. Hrmph. It's a vicious cycle, that's for sure.

How about maybe discussing what his needs are and your needs are and identifying what is important to each of you and agreeing to make a solid effort towards that? Try for something simpler than going out and getting a sitter. How about playing board games with a glass of wine and talking? Or even doing chores together? My current partner and I are both (thankfully) physical touch and quality time and it makes a world of difference to be on the same page. We find quality time at any opportunity, and ours is a long distance relationship! There are so many ways to meet that need besides going out to dinner or to a bar. Maybe research ways and brainstorm ideas and then sit down and talk with him about it. And then instead of asking him if he'd like to, just arrange the evening. I wish I had taken charge more, and showed him what I wanted, but of course now I am better off. 

Good luck!


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thankyou both.

TAG, I actually did *exactly* what you suggested in lowering the thermostat before Christmas. He did respond, not realizing it, by coming to me more which was great. He then picked up on what I was doing. He got sulky as I wasn't doing the stuff he had gotten used to, and I explained simply by saying I felt I had been giving too much and wanted to just step back.

He was angry about that! Said I shouldn't be giving to expect things in return, that I was being petty and childish, and kept saying I obviously didn't love him *that* much if I wasn't doing x/y/z for him.

We came to the usual point where it boils over and we argue, the red cloud clears and we make up. I decided to be openly giving and we had thd arrangement whereby we would have one or two evenings focussed on each other rather than just vegging out in front of the TV.

He was pretty good then after two weeks... The same. Again. I have been giving more than before, cheerfully and unselfishly because I can see how happy it makes him to meet his needs. LNL, we have discussed love languages for both of us. I listen and observe carefully what he likes me doing and what he would like me to do and act accordingly. Funnily he follows suit and has taken the odd gesture and done it for me. I notice and am appreciative of the effort though confused why when he knows I crave quality time, he skips that and shows affection how *he* wants it.

I have approached this in all the different ways I can think of. I have asked him. I have hinted. I have arranged thkngs myself. I have thought of activities I know he would enjoy as well as things I enjoy. I have shown apprwciation in many ways when he *does* make an effort. I have laid down the bottom line and every time he apologizes, says I am right and he will make the effort. And he does... For a week.

He has pretty much said that life is so demanding and everyone wants something from him. And when it gets to the end of the day all he wants to do is kick back with a beer and the TV. He says he doesn't have much time to think about me when he's at work or any relationship stuff. OK but then he doesn't think about it much outside of work either.

His company have cut his hours so he is finishing earlier in the afternoon. So far this week, he has come in, poked his head round the door to say hi, and disappeared until dinner is ready. I quite understand he wants to make use of his extra time to go do stuff on the car, or work on things in the yard. I am aleays super careful to make sure what I want isn't overbearing or demanding. I wanted to see if he'd use the time just even one day to come and just talk whilst I'm cooking dinner or doing chores. Even snuggle up when I am sat with the kids watching TV. My parents came over yesterday and he came home, said hi and disappeared on a "short" errand that took an hour and a half and made dinner late as we were waiting on him.

It's gonna be my birthday soon and I'm in two minds as to whether to go out with him like we talked about. I've just stopped asking or arranging right now. I know he *would* come out but would use it for the next couple months if I said anything about quality time: "but honey I came out for your birthday didn't I? I do make an effort!" as a backup.

I just feel so incredibly lonely at times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My ex was the same way. When my 40th bday was approaching, I asked many times about making plans (which was my job to take care of)... he refused to commit to anything. Soooooooooooo..... I did what worked for me. I made plans for a "Girls Nite Out", rented a hotel room on the beach, invited my best girl friends, went out to dinner.... drinks around the pool.... it was perfect. The next day he was all pissy because he wasn't invited. He walked out 6 mos. later.

He was awful about committing to plans. IF we would plan a vacation, I couldn't tell the kids.... because he would OFTEN not follow through. 

Don't know what to tell you tho.... just that I feel for ya. I ended up pretty much ignoring him towards the end, because it wasn't doing me any good to be invested in him when he was obviously NOT invested with me or the kids. Life is way better without him!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel it would be very difficult to me married to a man like your husband -if you crave his time & attention & just want to be close, dream of the romantic "us" moments.

I think one of the greatest things we can do for our children is to teach them when they dating.... have them learn each others love languages, these things do not change as we age...do the darn tests even! And to find someone with near the same love languages in the same order, becaues at the end of the day, nasty as this sounds.... we are ALL selfish , and we want what we want, so to be matched with another who has the same selfish desires , wanting to give & please in the same ways....makes marraige a living breeze in comparison to one that is pushing against the wind, with many arguments over these things, which just causes alot of sadness, and misunderstanding of each other. 

Or as in your case, the more giving spouse is giving too much -exactly what you are experiencing ...one partner gives & gives while the other may take notice, adjust for a week or two with some concerted effort, then fall back to their natural state, once again taking for granted what you do to please him, even holding back when it is infact ....Hurting your spirit, that you even have to do this to catch his attention. 

I think it is near inevitable for this to NOT lead to some resentment, somethings got to give, you either will become numb to his having to push himself and falling down on the job to spend "quality time" or finding new interests in your life to take the place of him. It simply hurts too much to crave something when you are so often let down,left hanging. 

ALL I can say is...I sympathize with you as I am a 'Time" woman myself, I know these things would not sit well with me either. They would be getting old really fast. There is a pattern here you are experiencing. I am not sure your husband will ever change.

And you know , at the end of the day, you really don't want to feel like you are pulling someone's teeth just to spend time with you, that would suck the life out of every moment. 


Funny how he reacted when you was pulling away, then throwing the blame back on you. He doesn't want to recognize his own LACK in these things, and say he is sorry for not being there enough for you (in what makes you feel loved), living up to what HE professed or wants to change, to help the marraige. 

That would have been the best senerio -how the thermostat is intended to work anyway. 

When he does work outside, how would he feel if you helped him, this could give you more time with him. 

LIke me & my husband, We are both Quality timers, we are near joined at the hip, but back in the day, we didn't do enough FUN things, we were always busy with some Home improvement project, but we did it side by side, where he was , in the grime, so was I , and neither of us ever felt one was missing time with the other somehow. 

Just a thought.


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> Thankyou both.
> 
> TAG, I actually did *exactly* what you suggested in lowering the thermostat before Christmas. He did respond, not realizing it, by coming to me more which was great. He then picked up on what I was doing. He got sulky as I wasn't doing the stuff he had gotten used to, and I explained simply by saying I felt I had been giving too much and wanted to just step back.
> 
> ...


I truly feel for you WW. My h and I were in a similar position. It is really hurtful when a quality time person is left without it, especially when you see that your spouse seems to find time for EVERYTHING else! It's too funny how the wordings are always the same...you are nagging, controlling, spoiled, needy...the list goes on when you are just trying to connect. It's so frustrating, I had even gotten to the point of accusing him of cheating because nothing else made any sense...I would always ask why did you get married if you don't want to spend time with me. We ended up going to counseling because he kept saying I didn't trust him and I would say you aren't giving me reason to trust always isolating yourself from me. After several sessions we finally were able to sit down and put us first (hint... counseling at least was an hour a week of "us" time ) Try and see if he would be willing to do counseling because it just isn't fair that he will spend 2 to3 days a week with "his friends" and not even 1 with his wife!!!

Good luck!

p.s. If he doesn't agree to counseling then you take a couple days a week for yourself while he stays home with the kids!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous you hit on something that I have noticed. What is worse than him *not* spending time with me is when he does so grudgingly. Out of obligation rather than a want. There have been a couple times when he has stayed in with me but made it obvious he doesn't want to be there. I actually sent him out to meet his friends. That is horrible.

I took up roller derby recently. I love it. It is a hobby that at the moment takes up a weekend morning and I hope to go one evening a week very soon as well. He was all for me getting a hobby. But now when I mention time, ge says how I don't help matters as my hobby takes up a chunk of the weekend ie the free time we both have. I xan't win!

2sick we did some MC. We discussed love languages. The worst thing is that he is fully aware it is my need yet chooses to put very little thought or effort into it. We had the two evenings a week agreement but if I don't bring it up then he never mentions it. I am getting sick of hearing myself bring it up. I am feeling resentful. 

Right now he got off work real early today. I had to go out and he knew when I'd be back with all the kids as school was out early today. He was in the yard. I webtvout to say hi, he asked did I want him to come in, I said yes. He came in 10 mins later then promptly went right back out again. I cannot be bothered with even trying anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> SimplyAmorous you hit on something that I have noticed. What is worse than him *not* spending time with me is when he does so grudgingly. Out of obligation rather than a want. There have been a couple times when he has stayed in with me but made it obvious he doesn't want to be there. I actually sent him out to meet his friends. That is horrible.
> 
> I took up roller derby recently. I love it. It is a hobby that at the moment takes up a weekend morning and I hope to go one evening a week very soon as well. He was all for me getting a hobby. But now when I mention time, ge says how I don't help matters as my hobby takes up a chunk of the weekend ie the free time we both have. I xan't win!
> 
> ...


Roller derby sounds too cool! Keep it up, good exercise, great way to forget everything, and gets you out of the house!!! Definitely try to do the evening sessions too. Not to get him upset but for therapeutic reasons for yourself. Can I ask how old you two are? I ask because mid to late 40's seems to be the magic age where some men turn back to being selfish acting teenagers!!


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

My wife is always pestering me for quality time. I had all of last week off, and decided to get some woodworking done. Its not really wood working, because I truly enjoy it in all its aspects. Should be called wood funning.... that doesnt go...

So, here is the scenario: Im busy doing something I love to do. Wife asks for quality time, so I tell her no problem. As soon as Im out of the shower, we sit down together and watch TV shows that are really intended for a female audiance.

I understand that the two of us doing the same activity is what she considers quality time, but my side of the story is that my wife wants to spend quality time with me, but instead I find that I traded an enjoyeable time building cabinets, into watching some stupid reality TV. I do sometimes go along with this grudgingly, and sometimes we do end up watching very old re-runs of Family Guy, or whatever we mutually like (Although I hate re-runs).


I suggest you ask him what he would enjoy doing for quality time, and going from there. Please, please, please dont assume you know what he would say. Yuo have to ask.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

2sick he's not in his forties yet. 

SockPuppet. I found it interesting from your perspective as a H with a "quality time" W. Being honest, the first thing I thought when I imagined what you said as being possibly my H's take (which he pretty much said yesterday about the doing enjoyable activities then going off for quality time with me) and I thought: butthat's what he does a lot anyway. I'd say every day he spends some time doing stuff like that and at the weekend or when he has vacation time as well. From where I'm standing that is first ALL of the time. 

I have done what you suggested. I know what he likes and what he dislikes us to do. I've gone that far all ready. It just makes no sense to me that whenever I bring up that he doesn't come across as wanting to spend time with me, he swears he loves it and looks forward to it but honestly he NEVER arranges it unless he's trying to appease me if I'm upset or I've nagged and nagged him and practically put the phone to his ear to call a sitter.

He won't arrange a sitter in the week as it's "too much hassle on a weeknight." So I'm forever waving him off to go have beers. He'll shower and smell great but will NEVER do that to snuggle up with me unless he's making his big effort when I'm upset. He used to do cute things like once he arranged a surprise birthday party for me. Now he would laugh and say it's too much effort. I GENUINELY do not feel anything from him that shows he looks forward to spending time with me or where this time is.

Part of the trouble is he considers any time (hectic dinnertimes with the kids, being in the house together even if in different rooms), watching TV without talking for a couple hours, "quality" time. I don't. 

We argued again last night. He said again he was sorry if I felt bad and he'd make more of an effort. That I needdd to communicate what I wanted more: I laughed. I said how many times more do I need to say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

You remind me of my wife, so hopefully I may remind you of your Husband.

He does love you, and does want you to be happy, and wants to spend time with you. If hes like me, he has programming issues. 

During courtship I was great, Id woo my wife. Bring her surprises, make her fall deeply madly in love with me. Once we got married, I turned into Husband mode. I was raised to believe that a Husbands role is as primary guardsmen and provider. It was my job to ensure that my wife and children were safe at all times. To ensure the poweer and heat are on. To make sure rain isnt getting through the roof. To make sure they have what they need to survive.

(notice how I *didnt* mention child rearing or romancing the wife?)

Its not my fault, I was raised with this belief. Its a tough one to be sure, because I dont know how to be different, and continue showing my wife the love she got when we were first together.

I suppose what Im trying to say, is that its possible your Husband believes that simply by being present, and bringing home some bacon, and ensuring you and the kids are safe when you sleep, that he is fulfilling his husbandly duties.

If Im on the right track, how does this help your situation... Insight, I suppose. You can be less critical of him, because you know that he is under the impression that he is doing everything a good husband ought to be doing, even though you want more, need more and are deserving of more.

This makes me wonder about your sex life. Is it great? If I asked your Husband, would he agree with you? Would your Husband think it could get better? Speaking just for myself, and not men in general, I am very able to feel, albiet not understand, certain emotions that I feel only during acts of physical intimacy. These acts make me love my wife more, again, likely because Ive been programmed to believe that the Husband takes care of duty outside the home, the wife takes care of it inside...... This is what works for me and my wife, and I am by no means saying that increasing sex will increase your Husbands desire to spend quality time with you. This is the secret to a happy marriage, and as we are all unique you are the only one who can figure out specifically what needs to be done, and it can be done.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Good insight. He too was great when we first started dating. He really was. He is good company. I enjoy conversation with him. I love him telling me about his day. 

He does a lot around the house. He is very good at mending stuff. He is also hands-on with all the kids. Likes to catch up what he misses whilst he is at work. He certainly looks after us in the manner you explained.

The sex life... I'm not sure about that right now. It used to be fabulous. Very frequent and fulfilling and when asked, he always said he thought it was great. Recently it was dwindled. We have gone from every day/every other day to once or twice a week in the space of a few months. No signs of it gearing up again. This is not my choice. He says he's tired from work. He says he doesn't realize I wanted to and I have to say I want to. Definitely a recurring pattern: I tell him frequently what I want and when (something we worked on in MC, me being clear with communication) and he then turns round when I bring stuff like this up and says he doesn't know I want to have sex with him??? Ever??? Even though I TELL him?

*shakes head*


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Wow. I am even more confused now. I just saw he's been looking at porn. Seriously this does not make sense to me. I don't have a problem as such with porn, but I do when he knows I'm here and ready when he is. He's the one saying his drive is lower at the moment which is why he doesn't want to as often yet he'll let me go wanting and look at porn instead?

Why?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I reckon there is something very deep going on between you two. For example it sounds to me like your communication is really bad, down at the rubbish level. Sure you can talk to one another and you can hear the words being said. And in that way you are communicating, but your communication is totally ineffective in that you are not understanding one another.

I do think that at least one of you, if not both of you are not speaking your minds. You are not speaking your “truths”. This is a time when you really must take note of a person's actions, behaviour and not the words they speak. The truth is in their behaviour, it may well not be in their words. And you are included in this WW although probably at the subconscious level.


Buy and read Awareness (Anthony de Mello). He will teach you how to “see” the truth.


You may well discover that you are the one who has changed, that he hasn’t but you are seeing him with “new eyes” and therefore he looks different. That all you are doing now is seeing him as he’s always been. It happens, most especially when your eyes and mind are wondering over and into to other men.


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I reckon there is something very deep going on between you two. For example it sounds to me like your communication is really bad, down at the rubbish level. Sure you can talk to one another and you can hear the words being said. And in that way you are communicating, but your communication is totally ineffective in that you are not understanding one another.
> 
> I do think that at least one of you, if not both of you are not speaking your minds. You are not speaking your “truths”. This is a time when you really must take note of a person's actions, behaviour and not the words they speak. The truth is in their behaviour, it may well not be in their words. And you are included in this WW although probably at the subconscious level.
> 
> ...


He said yesterday a big part of our problems are due to poor communication. Ironic as I have really been working on communicating better! I honestly believe I have been very clear, open and precise about what I would like by way of quality time. That part I am 100%, completely sure of.

The trouble has come *after* that part. He says I leave it totally up to him to initiate such time and in actual fact *I* should be communicating to him when and what I want on a weekly basis.

I can describe the pattern to a T. The week will start and I will be full of confidence in his promises. I will happily ask for time one evening. He will either say yes and we will do something, or take a raincheck to another specific evening. That is fine with me.

Inevitably a raincheck 90% of the time will be brought up by me, if I leave it he doesn't suggest it. We will manage two evenings at most before he will start with saying stuff like "we spend enough time together all ready" and "don't you ever let up?" It is *that* point I retreat figuring no guy wants to feel like their being nagged and he knows what I would like so I step back and leave it to him. 

He will not bring it up or mention it. I feel resentful that I am busy doing anything I can to show my love and make his life easier, the things I know he appreciates. At some point in the next week after days of nothing I will try again and get shot down again and that is when I start getting very upset and withdrawing. That is when *he* gets angry and says I am being childish for withdrawing from being so giving and "if I *really* loved him I'd still be doing x/y/z. 

We argue, he says he's sorry and will make more of an effort. And so we start again.

He says he is a natural loner and this stuff doesn't come easily to him. I appreciate that. I understand quality time is not his language. What hurts is I go out of my way to do stuff for him because I know he likes it yet he can't sustain the effort for the one thing that means the world to me for what I think is a reasonable two evenings a week.

He used to be great and made lots of effort. I just feel now that the problem is not just that he isn't making the effort but seems to actively resist, yet expects me to cheerfully keep on giving. I don't know how many times I xan do this or what to do that I haven't done allready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Last night was a good one...

He asked me what I wanted to do. He looked SO tired. I said let's just snuggle. So we did. All evening. Snuggled up on the sofa watching a romcom. He didn't budge the whole time. Asked "is this what you like?" I smiled and nodded. It was awesome. 

Looking at it, it's so simple it's actually laughable!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

