# Wife doesn't like sex?



## Yut (Feb 18, 2010)

I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife. 

When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else. 

She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You CANNOT change this and she doesn't think she should have to try. This is just how she is. I couldn't live with someone like that - but maybe you can. There are women who like sex - and still have good values/can be trusted. I know - I married one. 



Yut said:


> I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife.
> 
> When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else.
> 
> She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

wow so everytime u try and talk to her there are fights? I am sorry to hear this, its hard to tell someone how you feel when all they do is argue about it
Have you tried the "when I have sex with you it makes me bond more with you" approach? 
My husband was getting discouraged because he always had to initiate sex, I would NEVER turn him down though but he had "the talk" with me and made me feel that he was no longer feeling desired
it wasnt a disrepectful "I need to get in your pants more often" approach but more of a loving, romantic, conversation that he really missed having more sex with me, and that it makes our bond grow stronger, and he did not feel disired by me anymore and it was hurting him. Well his loving approach really helped, he also stated in the beginning that he needed to speak to me but he did not want me to judge him or get upset and to please listen with an open mind because according to him this was a major issue in the marriage. I listened with an open mind and totally understood where he was coming from
I would say to definitley try and speak to your wife again but make sure she is aware that you do not want to argue or fight but would love for her to hear you out and respect your feelings and try and "work with you" on getting a closer bond through sex. That you love her so much and would love nothing more than to be able to make love to your wife more often and please her in order to continue the strong love bond you 2 have!
I really hope everything works out, I really hope she hears you out
So many women out there block their husbands feelings and emotions and thats not right. 
I felt so bad when I realized how undesired my husband felt. Now I make sure to make him feel special by initiating sex at least 2 times a week and then he generally initiates 1 or 2 more times during the week
Sex is so important in a loving relationship and should not be neglected
Good luck!


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## K8_astrophy (Feb 18, 2010)

Yut you poor unfortunate soul! It would have been nice to have known this minor detail before you got married!!!!


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## aw9d (Feb 17, 2010)

I feel for you man. you've tired talking to her and like others have said, she just won't change. I'd say your going to have to live with it, or move on. Unless your wife is ok with a live at home girlfriend that you can have sex with, but good luck with that!


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Millania007 said:


> wow so everytime u try and talk to her there are fights? I am sorry to hear this, its hard to tell someone how you feel when all they do is argue about it
> Have you tried the "when I have sex with you it makes me bond more with you" approach?
> My husband was getting discouraged because he always had to initiate sex, I would NEVER turn him down though but he had "the talk" with me and made me feel that he was no longer feeling desired
> it wasnt a disrepectful "I need to get in your pants more often" approach but more of a loving, romantic, conversation that he really missed having more sex with me, and that it makes our bond grow stronger, and he did not feel disired by me anymore and it was hurting him. Well his loving approach really helped, he also stated in the beginning that he needed to speak to me but he did not want me to judge him or get upset and to please listen with an open mind because according to him this was a major issue in the marriage. I listened with an open mind and totally understood where he was coming from
> ...




Wow, that's pretty awesome that you listen to him with an open mind...I have tried this a number of times with my wife, in a very nice gentle romantic way...but it just does not work..my wife just feels sad, useless after and doesn't really say anything and I just get frustrated.....or sometimes she will responds "that's all you ever think about..sex" or "I do initiate" she seems very stubborn to the fact.
anyways..this is Yuts topic not mine....sorry man...that sucks, the one person in your life you wanna be intimate with doesn't return intimacy, I guess all you can do is the same that I've been trying, be real nice to her...dont seem desperate all the time, dont have too many heart to heart talks with her...try keepin the mood light and fun....but overall I think you should try to make it so you work the same shift, many marriages suffer big time because of different work shifts....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does she get out of it?


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## gjungle77 (Mar 1, 2010)

Tough call. I've been married almost 20 years, and high desire (me) and low desire(wife) has been a big problem for us. If we didn't have kids, I'm pretty sure this marriage would not be intact. It's not fair to either person. 

Higher Desire person has needs that aren't being met, lower desire person recognizes their shortcomings in the eyes of their partner. You can't really change either one, that's just who they are. Neither choose to feel this way, it's just a huge incompatibility.

Don't have kids until you figure this out.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

One thought I'd like to add here is the fact that, if you are the higher drive spouse, I think it helps a LOT if you realize that sex is not something "over & above" what your spouse should be providing. It's BOTH spouses *responsibility* to provide a certain amount (in mutually agreed upon quantity & quality)...and perhaps it needs to be presented as such. Marriage is a partnership (very similar in many ways to a business partnership) and for almost every couple, sex is a very important part of this partnership, TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS.

For many years, I was very frustrated & tried having these "loving" conversations with my wife about how I needed more. Those conversations never EVER went well. Looking back, I really think it was because my wife felt as though sex was a "favor" she did for me only when she felt up to it....and the crapola of doing nice things for her just "in hope" that it would lead to more sex always ended up being just that....CRAPOLA! It wasn't until it finally occurred to me (after 20+ years of marriage) that it was my right to receive a certain amount of sexual activity every week & presented it to her in that light that things began to truly change. 

I think the two keys to this are 1.) you really DO have to begin to see it as your spouse's responsibility to meet your needs in this area...find a mutually agreed upon amount & quality & hold one another accountable for doing what's necessary to get there EVERY WEEK and 2.) you have to hold yourself to a very high standard of giving at least as much as you get in HER area(s) of need.

I wish you luck as your story sounds very much like my own for many years.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Been there. Done that. Have the t-shirt.

As someone noted, a lot of women (many? some? most? a few?) see sex as a "commodity" to be bargained with in marriage for time, money, energy, effort, whatever.

Other women see it as an expression of love, affection, and a release of tension and bonding.

Your wife doesn't sound very sexual and if she is not getting the "commodity exchange" then she probably never will be sexual. I don't know. . .stranger things have happened. . .like one poster noted, she went off birth control and her sex drive skyrocketed. I'd hate for you both to be missing something chemically fixable like that. . .but barring something like that. . .you have to decide if it's something you can live without or not.

Having an affair may actually get her butt moving too, I'd hate to say but of course, you do risk the very severe reality of divorce when you do that.

But that may be a reality anyway if she's not going to be sexual with you.


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## securemedical1 (Mar 19, 2010)

Hi there. Here's a blog from AccessRx about sexual buzz kills for women.


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## Jdack (Dec 3, 2009)

I had similar problem as well and took the same approach as "Marriedguy" did and this is when it really changed when I was straight up about what I would to see in our sex life, very specific, (I could do it everynight, but I will live with every other night, give or take, a complete BJ like you used to and once a week at least would be nice) and so far, it has been good. 

Now, In your case it seems she never was really into sex and this is a tough one, she may never change or want to. You could try and at least strike up some compromise and if sex gets better over time, she may be more open to it again. If it is getting bad, likely will just get worse, you have to get a hold of it and try something if it is important to you. I know for me, it started a whole downward spiral when she would turn down sex all the time, then I would be pissed, my actions would show it, and around and around you go until you no longer wan to be with that person.

Good luck.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

aw9d said:


> I feel for you man. you've tired talking to her and like others have said, she just won't change. I'd say your going to have to live with it, or move on. Unless your wife is ok with a live at home girlfriend that you can have sex with, but good luck with that!



:iagree:
I like this response... so wrong, but it would make us high drive spouses happy and not expecting anything from our spouses who dont want to do anything


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Now for a real response. She has always been like this, her mother is like this, she will always be like this. As adults we choose what we incorporate into our attitudes and beliefs from parents and other signifcants early on... she has chosen to incorporate her mothers disinterest in sex. Only 2 ways this can work:

1) she chooses to have different attitude about sex

2) you choose to have a different attitude about sex

I would have said 3 choices with 3) you both reach a compromise.... but that is a combination of the first 2 bc it would require you both change your views to adapt to something different. That would be the goal, but very difficult to do as both of you are bound to slip, then resentments will set in and get deeper.

Otherwise, dont have children and leave and find someone who either matches your sex drive or loves you enough to accomodate your need. Best of luck!


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Yut said:


> I have been married for just about four years now. While we were dating I noticed that my wife kind of shied away from sex, but I didn't think anything of it. After we got married, it got worse and worse. Now I am lucky if we have sex once a week. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have a very very high sex drive. I have tried to ignore it, but I just can't help it. For some reason she just doesn't like sex. I have talked to her about it before, but she doesn't seem to care. ***TMI Allert*** Apparently her mom doesn't like sex either, never has according to my wife.
> 
> When I bring it up she gets all defensive and pissed off. I don't think I do it harshly or that I am abrasive about it, but no matter how the subject gets brought up, I feel like I turn out to be the bad guy. She travels constantly for work so we don't get to see each other much as it is. This month for example she is spending at least one night a week in a hotel room. I also work midnights, so when she is going to bed I am at work, when I am going to bed she is going to work. I would like to at least be a little sexual during the little time we actually are together. I don't know if it's me not being able to turn her on or what, but the longer we go on like this, the worse I feel about it. Every time I try to initiate sex she either is tired, doesn't feel good, didn't shower that day and feels nasty, has to get up early or something else.
> 
> She does initiate sex every now and then (whenever we do have sex), but most of the time I can tell that it's just for me. It feels like she is just doing it to hurry up and get it over with so she can go to sleep and I will shut up. That is not even close to enjoyable for me as you can imagine. I don't know what to do next, but I can't continue to go on like this. I suggested that she talk to someone about this (therapist, doctor, councilor) but that just turned into another fight. Any thoughts????????


Whoa. Thats is EXACTLY like me and the wife. EXACTLY.

We've been together 20 years and married for 14 of them.

Once a month now if I'm lucky and she just puts up with it. I do get a 'service' about once a week but she just does this for me.

I guess I should have known what I was getting into here. 
Saying that though, i love her loads in other ways...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

aw9d said:


> I feel for you man. you've tired talking to her and like others have said, she just won't change. I'd say your going to have to live with it, or move on. Unless your wife is ok with a live at home girlfriend that you can have sex with, but good luck with that!


Strangely enough, this is something my wife has offered in the past. As long as it was just sex etc.

Sounded cool but too weird for me.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Welcome to the club! 

Yep been there done that for years. I still get pissed off about getting a measly ration of sex but I stopped having those conversations a long long time ago for that reason. It would just turn into a fight no matter how loving, nice and considerate I was. She would get pissed off and defensive and I would end up being the bad guy for wanting sex. 

For some women sex is just not that important and sadly it doesn't matter how important it is to you. Sometimes it just has to be accepted that this is how a person is. 

Maybe not, it sounds like there are other issues, stress, being busy, tired, etc can all be factors. But more often then not they're just excuses. I'm sure she finds the time energy to do every single thing that she 'wants' to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So the answer is to find out how to make it something she wants to do.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

good luck with that, i think u should give a one last chance for therapy and if she doesnt its time to move on, cause it seems that she doesnt even want to meet u half way, things will only stay the same


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is how my wife has always seen it also - as an obligation. 

I think she would say that with the huge sacrifice of fidelity, comes an equally large responsibility to ensure your partner is sexually happy. 

And she has done that. And frankly this whole - you should be grateful for whatever I give you - well that is ok - if you are married to someone else. 

I know for me - I give a lot - I LIKE to make her happy. If she didn't ALSO like to make me happy that would not be acceptable. 





Longtime Husband said:


> One thought I'd like to add here is the fact that, if you are the higher drive spouse, I think it helps a LOT if you realize that sex is not something "over & above" what your spouse should be providing. It's BOTH spouses *responsibility* to provide a certain amount (in mutually agreed upon quantity & quality)...and perhaps it needs to be presented as such. Marriage is a partnership (very similar in many ways to a business partnership) and for almost every couple, sex is a very important part of this partnership, TO AT LEAST ONE OF THE PARTNERS.
> 
> For many years, I was very frustrated & tried having these "loving" conversations with my wife about how I needed more. Those conversations never EVER went well. Looking back, I really think it was because my wife felt as though sex was a "favor" she did for me only when she felt up to it....and the crapola of doing nice things for her just "in hope" that it would lead to more sex always ended up being just that....CRAPOLA! It wasn't until it finally occurred to me (after 20+ years of marriage) that it was my right to receive a certain amount of sexual activity every week & presented it to her in that light that things began to truly change.
> 
> ...


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Is it possible there is something else going on in the relationship that is unhealthy which is causing her to not desire sex. Try truly romancing her without expecting something in return and she if that gradually helps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know what turned me off to sex? My H, every time he would hug me in the first 5 years together, or even touch me, or even just watching tv, ended up in him expecting to get in my pants. 

I was just a vessel. He figured since we were married, we should have sex every time we were within 5 feet of each other. 

I asked him once if we could just snuggle sometimes like when watching tv, and he said "of course!"

Guess what? It never happened. He STILL made a pass at me, started reaching into my pants every time he came near me.

So out of self-preservation, I started distancing myself from him.

Think about it. Women need to feel like their man WANTS to be around their BRAIN, not just their body.

Are you doing that?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Millania007 said:


> wow so everytime u try and talk to her there are fights? I am sorry to hear this, its hard to tell someone how you feel when all they do is argue about it
> Have you tried the "when I have sex with you it makes me bond more with you" approach?
> My husband was getting discouraged because he always had to initiate sex, I would NEVER turn him down though but he had "the talk" with me and made me feel that he was no longer feeling desired
> it wasnt a disrepectful "I need to get in your pants more often" approach but more of a loving, romantic, conversation that he really missed having more sex with me, and that it makes our bond grow stronger, and he did not feel disired by me anymore and it was hurting him. Well his loving approach really helped, he also stated in the beginning that he needed to speak to me but he did not want me to judge him or get upset and to please listen with an open mind because according to him this was a major issue in the marriage. I listened with an open mind and totally understood where he was coming from
> ...


Uh ... could you and my wife hang out for a while?


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## BellasMommy (Apr 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> You know what turned me off to sex? My H, every time he would hug me in the first 5 years together, or even touch me, or even just watching tv, ended up in him expecting to get in my pants.
> 
> I was just a vessel. He figured since we were married, we should have sex every time we were within 5 feet of each other.
> 
> ...


This is a great answer. 

My husband and I are in the same boat. I never want sex. But it's because he gets home from work, plays on his i-pod all day and gives me no attention whatsoever, then wants sex! This annoyed me so much in the past that I have this automatic "NO" in me that I can't get over. Even if deep inside I do want to have sex. I have this weird resentment.

If you are honestly being sweet and loving toward your wife and it's not fake and put on just for sex, then I'm not sure what the problem is.


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## stillwed (Apr 8, 2010)

BellasMommy said:


> This is a great answer.
> 
> If you are honestly being sweet and loving toward your wife and it's not fake and put on just for sex, then I'm not sure what the problem is.


I think you hit the nail on the head. If the conversation is a genuine desire to get to the core of the problem that is one thing, but most times it's to get laid. Being treated like a blow up doll is not fun. Show some interest in her besides sex and you might see better results (not sure if you've tried this or not). By interest I don't mean inanely asking her how her day went just to seem interested when you really don't care. Find some mutually pleasing activities that don't involve sex. Most women don't need obviously sexual overtures to make them feel sexy, just letting her know through your actions that you really "dig" her goes a long way. So many men ask the question "why is it that the minute the ring goes on the sex stops?". It goes both ways, most men have just stopped trying with the expectation that he deserves sex and now that he's married, he'll get it all the time. When you're in the dating phase of the relationship, both parties are putting their best foot forward. As time marches on, life gets in the way and both people fall into a sense of complacency in the relationship. Do something nice for her just because, not because it's valentine's day or her birthday. And do it without the expectation of something in return. She should be doing the same things....


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Sounds a lot like my situation. Its very hard to understand. My wife is bi polar and all over the board. we've had sex about three or four times in the past year and a half and I miss her so much. She is medicated but it seems that she needs a crisis in her life at all times and this one fills in the slow spots. If we didn't have kids I know we wouldn't be together today. It's just not worth the hurt.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so are the ladies on here saying that if everything is perfect for them then they will provide intimacy for their husbands? that the man needs to work really hard to crack the confusing and complicated shell that is the woman in hopes that if he spins the dial enough he will finally hit the combination that opens the safe?

would it be too much to ask that the woman maybe take some responsibility in this and try to find out why she has a low libido?


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

That would be nice but women like my wife don't see it as a problem. For my wiife it's more on a non issue. Head in the sand kind of thing. When I bring it up she just stares at me with the deer in the headlights expression.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

To the good men on this forum, do not make this more complicated than it is! 

Do not think by talking or negotiating to make a woman be on fire sexually for her man, it doesn't work that way. 

It is always this, actions speak louder than words. Do the tings that increase sexual attraction, and stop doing the things that kill sexual attraction.

Things that kills sexual attraction are begging, pleading, whining, negotiation for sex, being a "nice guy". THese things a woman is not attracted to, so I am asking do not resent your woman for simply being a woman!

Things that increase sexual attraction are being confident, assured, in control of yourself, and a leader in the the relationship for the things important to you. This includes sexual intimacy and also the emotional connection that is intertwined. 

This kind of man, the dominant man, is irrestible sexually attracitve to a woman so be this man. 

Chances are many of you are this man during dating and early in the relationship when there was much sex, but over time it is to fall into the trap of becoming a follower man instead of a leader man, and the woman is not going to be on fire for the follower man.

Actions speak louder than words! Good men on this forum, for your own happiness it is good for you to understand this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly. Women have to respect their man to be attracted to him.

That said, the other advice is dead on, too. If you are Love Busting your wife, no matter how confident, etc. you are, she'll still be mad at you - and that means you get nothing.

Do you both work? If so, does she still do 80% of the household work? Why?

What makes you think that a woman trying to hold down TWO full-time jobs - at work and at home - is going to place time with you high on her list, when she has two full-time jobs to see to? Even a housewife will have concerns about how much weight her husband is pulling at home, especially if most of his time at home includes watching tv, waiting for meals, playing on the computer or with male friends, reading or some other form of entertainment.

Basically, if your WIFE'S level of entertainment (the amount of time you each have for it) is the same as yours, you should be ok. But if you get two hours of tv watching (while doing nothing else) a day, while she gets 30 minutes because she spent the other hour and a half putting away laundry, giving the kids baths, tucking kids in, paying bills, feeding the dog, washing dishes (after cooking!)...guess what? You have a resentful wife. So you get no bedroom time. Because she's (1) exhausted, (2) resentful that you aren't pitching in 50%, and (3) ticked off that it never occurs to you because you take all the things she does at home for granted.

Did you ever sit down and ask her what she wishes YOU would do in your everyday lives?


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

Basically, if your WIFE'S level of entertainment (the amount of time you each have for it) is the same as yours, you should be ok. But if you get two hours of tv watching (while doing nothing else) a day, while she gets 30 minutes because she spent the other hour and a half putting away laundry, giving the kids baths, tucking kids in, paying bills, feeding the dog, washing dishes (after cooking!)...guess what? You have a resentful wife. So you get no bedroom time. Because she's (1) exhausted, (2) resentful that you aren't pitching in 50%, and (3) ticked off that it never occurs to you because you take all the things she does at home for granted.

Did you ever sit down and ask her what she wishes YOU would do in your everyday lives?[/QUOTE]


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Does she orgasm when you DO have sex? (and I don't mean does she fake it?)

To the men (no, not all of you, but hopefully you'll recognize it if it is for you):

A woman that is having mind-blowing orgasms during sex will not be turning down sex all the time, and will not get annoyed at a request to make time for more. Too many men think that their woman just doesn't like sex or has low libido when, honestly, you're just not doing it for her and she's shut it all down. 

Think about this: as a man, you will orgasm. Unless something is MAJORLY wrong physiologically with you, you WILL get your orgasm at the end of the sex - and she's barely got to do anything to make that happen, she kind of just has to be there and let you in. A woman doesn't have that kind of certainty in sexual pleasure. Sex is not that good to us. Our pleasure truly does depend on YOU. Yes, yes, we do have to help ourselves too. But, get my point, our ultimate enjoyment of sex is highly dependent on the man's skill and willingness to work hard. Of course, it's tiring for a poor schlep to have to do this many cartwheels each time he just wants some sex. Therefore, too many men convince themselves that whatever mediocre attempt they're doing is good enough and they leave it at that. But, if you walk away from that sexual act leaving that woman high and dry (or forced to fake it to avoid a fight), you have significantly reduced your chances that you'll get some next time. The more this happens, you will quickly spiral into dry land with a woman that's got no interest in sex. Too many men want more ... but too few men really put in the effort when they actually get it to make sure they'll get it again.

"No interest in sex", "low libido", "low sex drive" are MOSTLY code words for "you're not doing it for me, so why bother?" Why would ANYONE bother having sex with anyone if there weren't a "happy ending". Without the orgasm, all that touching and kissing just ends up in frustrating over-stimulation that becomes annoyance and resentment. And don't buy that nonsense about "I still enjoyed the closeness" ... I've had to dig that one out way too many times and, while yes it IS nice having had some closeness time with you, it ain't closeness that's going to get you sex next time. In fact, next time, I'll just ask for the snuggle or the back rub instead of the sex because, well, I get the "closeness" without the blue balls. And, yes, girls get that too. Not the same, but it's an annoying pressure "down there" that turns into *****iness and that eventually we don't even recognize as being horny, it's just a feeling of constant annoyance that's usually directed right at you anytime you do even the minutest thing. If your woman is mad all the time and you know you truly did nothing wrong, she's sexually unsatisfied. 

Sadly, just like we can learn to truly love it from the man that gives it to us right, we can just as easily turn the whole system down for good. System shut-down, however, does come at a price to both partners. And for the woman it means disconnecting from her body and it's needs to the point she truly DOESN'T want the sex anymore.

As for the obligation of both partners, well, if she's not getting orgasms, then you've already failed on your end (barring medical/ trauma issues), so why should she feel obligated to do YOU any favors? Maybe the deal should be: if you give her a great orgasm however you can (with her doing her part to work with you), then she'll let you come in? Too many men are really selfish about the orgasms. I think we still have this cultural idea that, if a man doesn't come, it's the end of the world - that would NEVER be acceptable; if she doesn't come, "she's glad that at least they had some intimacy and closeness". Hogwash.

You can do all the dishes in the world and if she's not having an orgasm in bed, that's not going to get you laid more. And, ra-ra to the "confident, dominant man thing". You must be a decent, hard-working man that respects and honors your woman ... but way too many men are cow-towing to the woman and, we generally THINK we like it, but even we then can't figure out why you are no longer that sexy.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

MsLady said:


> Does she orgasm when you DO have sex? (and I don't mean does she fake it?)
> 
> To the men (no, not all of you, but hopefully you'll recognize it if it is for you):
> 
> ...


 Wow, you must wear the pants in your family too!
My wife climax's every time we have sex...at least once. She usually pushes me away a bit after the first time saying shes too sensitive but if i patiently persist she will have a second. 
We have only had sex three or four times in the last year and a half but when we did she did get off. I usually don't. Probably because of the underlying fear that I'll be rejected. When we have sex I'm always feeling like it will be the last time for a long period of time and I don't want it to end.
Blanket statements that pigeon hole males and females as to their roles in the dilemma aren't that helpful. When I look at my wife, knowing she is bipolar and unable to comprehend emotions the way most others do it hurts. I cannot imagine living with what is happening in her mind going on inside mine. What slot would that fit into?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Someone needing professional help.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

bumpgrind1 said:


> Wow, you must wear the pants in your family too!
> My wife climax's every time we have sex...at least once. She usually pushes me away a bit after the first time saying shes too sensitive but if i patiently persist she will have a second.
> We have only had sex three or four times in the last year and a half but when we did she did get off. I usually don't. Probably because of the underlying fear that I'll be rejected. When we have sex I'm always feeling like it will be the last time for a long period of time and I don't want it to end.
> Blanket statements that pigeon hole males and females as to their roles in the dilemma aren't that helpful. When I look at my wife, knowing she is bipolar and unable to comprehend emotions the way most others do it hurts. I cannot imagine living with what is happening in her mind going on inside mine. What slot would that fit into?


Did you notice this part of my statement? .... 



> To the men (no, not all of you, but hopefully you'll recognize it if it is for you):


Obviously, my post doesn't apply to you and probably not many others. But it does apply to some and hopefully those that it does apply to will be honest with themselves and take more time to please their woman. It can only benefit them if both people are getting the ultimate pleasure from the encounter, not just one.


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## samohtmg (Mar 21, 2012)

*My marriage is doomed.*

Wife, 2 kids. Only issue in our lives is sex and her lack of desire. We have tried everything. She is in therapy now where I know she has addressed her sexuality for over the last 14 months. No improvement. I feel she must have a bad therapist although I have no proof for that other than the results so perhaps it is just my wife. The approaches suggested in this thread I have taken. They have worked to varying degrees of success, then they stop working shortly after. I am starting to see it as an addiction to being frigid. She can break the addiction for a period of time, but it is too easy to fall back into it.

When one has a drug or alcohol addiction it is really effective to stay away from drugs and alcohol and from the people who use them.

But if someone has an addiction to food, this is not an option. We all have to eat.

The same applies with being addicted to being frigid. Not having sex is always an option. It is always there being dangled to the person who prefers it. Kids, hobbies, TV, cleaning the house, work, sleep. There is nothing wrong with any of them individually. In fact they are all necessary to a fulfilling life. Just as food is necessary. 

My wife needs therapy devoted entirely to this issue. She needs a support group. She needs time. I am out of time. I can't take it anymore. I have no faith that she will ever stick to working on it for the rest of her life.

Thus, my marriage, which in every other aspect is fine, is doomed. We play sports together, raise the kids together, and have a decent relationship when frigidity is not getting in the way. She is a caring a decent person and so am I.

I do not want to break up the marriage for the kids sake. I won't do it. We are good parents and good parents together. I am resigned instead to consider my wife a great roommate and life partner who I will cease to have an intimate relationship with. I am not even sure that she will care. She seems to prefer it this way. In the past, she has even told me that this is the case.

Now I just have to figure out a path forward.

Found the following professional advice at the quote below from this MSNBC site:

My wife doesn't want to have sex. What do I do? - Relationships - Getting Personal - TODAY.com

"Your wife’s annoyance when you broach issues of intimacy means she is choosing not to take the hint. She doesn’t want to deal with these issues, and would prefer the status quo. On your end, you are empowering her by backing off.

Being tired is an excuse. Many people work hard and get tired. Sure, there are many competing priorities in life, but you do not want tiredness to push sex to the bottom of the list. Otherwise, your spouse becomes your roommate.

For many people, lack of intimacy is a dealbreaker. It indicates a huge imbalance in the marriage, and opens the door to infidelity and divorce. It is no surprise you feel that your marriage is falling apart. It might well be.

So you must let your wife know that sexual intimacy is a vital part of marriage for you, and you do not want to commit yourself to a life of no intimacy. If you cannot work it out, the marriage is likely doomed."


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

MSLady,

again I'll quote another member:

"Why when a woman comes on here and says she isn't getting enough everyone says "oh go get him checked".

When a man says it, the question/answer is virtually always "what need of hers aren't you meeting" or "Man Up"???"

Speaking for myself, it is much easier to meet my wife's emotional needs if she meets my physical needs. Classic Chicken and the Egg quandry.

One last quote from Brett Butler: "A man is like a linoleum floor. Lay him right and you can walk on him for 40 years"


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

BellasMommy said:


> This is a great answer.
> 
> My husband and I are in the same boat. I never want sex. But it's because he gets home from work, plays on his i-pod all day and gives me no attention whatsoever, then wants sex! This annoyed me so much in the past that I have this automatic "NO" in me that I can't get over. Even if deep inside I do want to have sex. I have this weird resentment.
> 
> If you are honestly being sweet and loving toward your wife and it's not fake and put on just for sex, then I'm not sure what the problem is.


---------

My wife and I are in the same boat. I never want to talk with her. But it's because she gets home from work, plays on facebook all day, and gives me no sexual attention, then wants to talk to me! This annoyed me so much in the past that I have this automatic "NO" in me that I can't get over. Even if deep inside I do want to talk to her. I have this weird resentment.

If you are honestly being sexy towards your husband and it's not fake and put on just for 'talking', then I'm not sure what the problem is.

-----------------------


I use this just to make the point: if someone's husband just didn't like talking to her, we'd think it pretty indicative of some wider problems. Like... why did he marry her? Isn't the foundation of a marriage, to some extent, about the way they communicate? Etc.

I see the same thing about sex. If you don't *want* to have sex with your husband/wife, that's something a lot larger than that, unless you're just truly super-low libido. 

No one suggests that a woman give a BJ every morning to get her husband to treat her kindly again (without an expectation of immediate kindness...wait for it and MAYBE he'll start being a little nicer0; the problem isn't that there isn't a good enough "exchange" - it's that he should WANT to treat her kindly.
In the same vein, I don't think we should tell men "Be perfectly sweet and maybe, just maybe, she'll want to sleep with you."

You should *want* to be nice. She should *want* to sleep with you. When we start messing around with exchanges, I think we've got wider issues. 

[[This is said with no real experience. I recognize there's a lot I don't know]]


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

samohtmg said:


> Wife, 2 kids. Only issue in our lives is sex and her lack of desire. We have tried everything. She is in therapy now where I know she has addressed her sexuality for over the last 14 months. No improvement. I feel she must have a bad therapist although I have no proof for that other than the results so perhaps it is just my wife. The approaches suggested in this thread I have taken. They have worked to varying degrees of success, then they stop working shortly after. I am starting to see it as an addiction to being frigid. She can break the addiction for a period of time, but it is too easy to fall back into it.
> 
> When one has a drug or alcohol addiction it is really effective to stay away from drugs and alcohol and from the people who use them.
> 
> ...


This is a 2 year old zombie thread, but...

Why are you assuming just because your wife is in therapy she's talking about what YOU percieve is a problem? If she's happy with her sex life, maybe she's talking to the therapist about something totally different. Why aren't you in therapy together, as this is a couples issue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women have to have a strong man to rock their socks off to want to have sex. Once you become the married man/father, you lose that vibe. She wanted it once, right? How were you then? Find that in yourself again. Wisk her away to a romantic getaway, take her on a surprise day trip, give her a day off from the kids while you take them to the zoo and then take her out dancing...DATE HER!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

stillwed said:


> It goes both ways, most men have just stopped trying with the expectation that he deserves sex and now that he's married, he'll get it all the time. When you're in the dating phase of the relationship, both parties are putting their best foot forward.


But, the problem with this analogy is that marriage is a whole different animal than dating. There is a sense of commitment and exclusivity that creates a great deal of obligation for both.

Both partners should expect that they will get at least as much sex as they need to feel good, without huge overt gestures, as the glue that holds the relationship together.

As far as the expectation issue goes, we should look at this from the flip side perhaps. Instead of asking "what is being done to deserve sex" we should ask "what is being done to deserve fidelity".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MsLady said:


> As for the obligation of both partners, well, if she's not getting orgasms, then you've already failed on your end (barring medical/ trauma issues), so why should she feel obligated to do YOU any favors? Maybe the deal should be: if you give her a great orgasm however you can (with her doing her part to work with you), then she'll let you come in? Too many men are really selfish about the orgasms. I think we still have this cultural idea that, if a man doesn't come, it's the end of the world - that would NEVER be acceptable; if she doesn't come, "she's glad that at least they had some intimacy and closeness". Hogwash.


Agree that the man has to show an interest in making it good for the woman. But, it needs to be stressed that the woman has to make an effort too.

Many people think of sex as intercourse and everything else as inferior if not outright dirty / perverted. Looking at the numbers of men (and women) on TAM that cannot get their spouses to do oral makes that plain.

My ex (among other issues) disliked oral. Refused to perform it and tried hard to keep it out of the sex life (but always came hard when performed on her). When she complained that she was not satisfied, I told her that it was her fault. She cannot limit sex to PIV only (knowing that most women never or rarely orgasm from intercourse, much less orgasm regularly) and then complain that it does not work for her.

The point is that the advice to men is sound, but has limits. If your woman expects to just lie there and be enraptured, she's being unrealistic. She is just as responsible for making sure the big O happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Easy to say that, but psychology and sociology detract from that position. Women react subconsciously as they have been evolved to do so since the caveman days - the strong man wins the woman. I'm not saying take her by force; I'm saying wow her as you did when you were dating. As much as you don't want to think it's there, that need, it's there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't like shopping, driving my wife's car or raking the lawn.


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## samohtmg (Mar 21, 2012)

Zombie thread is very appropriate name for this thread. At least from my perspective. This issue never gets old and is clearly prevalent in many relationships. But for my relationship the issue is also like a zombie. It never really dies completely. Then it gets up and rears its ugly head again. Someone asked how I know that this is part of my wife's therapy. I know that sex issues are a part because over a year ago my wife tried to print a letter on a broken printer at home. The computer was shut off and the printer sat there for over a week just on but not working until I innocently fixed it and that was the first thing that popped out. The letter was for her therapy and was in regards to her sexuality.

Anyway, I don't know what is going on. I am going to try to confront the issue in an honest way tonight. But I am going to make it clear that this is a last gasp and a very delicate situation. 

FYI this issue has reared its head throughout 16 years of marriage. It started in year one.

To summarize 16 years would be impossible so let me give some bullet points.

In year one, romance was a sex drive killer for her. I was in school fulltime. She worked. I cooked dinner. Candles. Table set. Response: "Don't think this means you are getting any tonight." Turns out she wasn't joking or playing hard to get.

We have gone 6 to 8 months during some stretches without having sex.

Once when we had a heart to heart about it she told me point blank, "I don't need to have it. I feel I can go without it forever."

Since we have been married the most she ever came on to me was when she wanted to have children. For the second child, she delayed in telling me that she was pregnant until she had told others. It is my strong feeling that she did this because she did not want to face that I clearly felt like she truly had desired me for a couple months and now perhaps that wasn't the case.

She has an orgasm most times that we go at it. She won't fake it. She can't really as her body tightens up in a way that is really only conducive to her having an orgasm. Usually ends up straight legged clenched and can't move her legs well after. We do all sorts of things with different devices. I am not saying she doesn't fake it out of some macho thing. She just doesn't or won't. If I am not sure and I ask and she didn't she tells me flat out she didn't. The sex really is very good and honest.

There is some level of abuse in both our pasts. Hers was to a greater degree than mine. That abuse, for her, occurred 23 years ago. She was at the tail end of counseling for it when I met her. We have known each other and been dating for 22 years.

She actively avoids sex. Sneaks into the bedroom while I am finishing a chore or taking a shower, shuts lights goes to "sleep."

She has had various rules over the years about when we can have sex. Currently- not when ovulating, not when having her period or OMS. Not if she is tired. Not in the morning. Preferably only at night, when she is tired.

At times has implied that she doesn't care what I do outside the marriage. Almost like she would welcome the burden being lifted off of her.

In many other respects, we get along and share similar interests. We could be friends or great roommates is the issues of sex and intimacy did not get in the way.

Tonight I think I am going to lay it all out. I love you. I think you are sexy (believe me she knows this). I can't go another day not knowing if we are going to figure this out or try to figure this out. I don't want to disrupt our lives or our kids lives at all. For her:

Are you still talking in therapy about this and did yo delve deep into it?

Can you or will you tell me where you are at?

Do you love me? Do you like our life? Do you want to work on this?

Do you want to wind down the marriage? Would you prefer to cut me loose and keep the marriage intact? How do we think that should work?

I can't work. I barely eat. Can't sleep much right now. Can barely talk to her as it is. I feel like I am observing someone else's life from outside my body. My life was always so stable. My head pretty level about all this for a long time. Right now I am a mess. I don't know what to do but to confront her.

My greatest fear right now is letting the good weather influence me to just never bring it up. Because it is there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not a marriage if she can't/won't meet your need for sex. She needs to understand that you can't stay married if she doesn't love you enough to make fixing this a priority.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

almetcalf, how many books about relationships and sex have you read? I've read about 30. And at least 95% of them espouse the same thing: women need a personal connection to want to keep having sex (outside the procreation role); men need sex to be able to have a personal connection. But because males typically have the higher sex drive (and yes, this is documented fact), it behooves the males, who usually want sex more, to figure out what makes their female tick, and BE that person for them so that the women WANT to have sex. Deny it all you want, it all typically boils down to human nature.

Oh, and in most cases when males have a low sex drive, it's because of either a physiological or psychological issue.


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## rlb390 (Nov 17, 2014)

I am in the same boat. My wife and i got Married a little over a year ago. She doesn't like sex as much as I do. 99.9% of the time it hurts her the whole time, she doesn't like foreplay either. She only does it because for me, but i don't feel like she enjoys it which is a turn off for me. She also only really wants to have sex is to have kids as well. Im out of options on what i can do for my wife to enjoy being intimate with me in bed.


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## Hotlefty43 (Nov 4, 2014)

I feel your pain. I. In the same stinky situation. My wife doesn't seem to care at all about my needs!

I wish you the best


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

rlb390 said:


> i am in the same boat. My wife and i got married a little over a year ago. She doesn't like sex as much as i do. 99.9% of the time it hurts her the whole time, she doesn't like foreplay either. She only does it because for me, but i don't feel like she enjoys it which is a turn off for me. She also only really wants to have sex is to have kids as well. Im out of options on what i can do for my wife to enjoy being intimate with me in bed.


Don't have kids


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