# Stress!



## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

I need to just put this down so I can hopefully de-stress some (advice is certainly welcome.)

Yesterday I text'd husband (because I wanted minimum said) that I was overwhelmed and stressed out because some is likely about to be put on academic probation. Long story short on that is that he has some learning issues, coupled with laziness. I've spent many years advocating, helping him, etc. Just last week husband said that son was lucky to have help as HE didn't ever get any help (empathy always seems to relate to him not someone else.)

So he calls me and tells me that i'm "dumping it in his lap." I never indicated I was dumping it...I was looking for help! Later when he was home I was lying on the couch and he started talking about it. He's always looking for me to come up with every solution to everything. I said i'm out of solutions, this never sits well with him because he doesn't parent and doesn't have solutions either. 

So basically he turned the conversation to physical affection, which we do not engage in due to my not feeling comfortable because of stories like the one i'm telling and the fact that he sighs everytime I ask him something. I don't exactly feel even liked nevermind loved and want to be affectionate.

Anyway he brought that up and I explained why and he immediately says he doesn't do it (sighing.) I said, ok maybe not as of this week, but it needs to be a consistent behavior, etc. Then he starts with I need to be medicated....I asked why he thought this and he told me because I was lying on the couch all afternoon (he was not here all afternoon....) 

Ugh nice when you try to get some support and get thrown under the bus instead. I'm pretty certain part of it is he has no idea how to deal with life....he had a "porn addiction" a couple years ago, but seemingly it was never that upon reflection (this is according to him!):scratchhead:

It's also a control thing imo....I don't get why someone would do this, but he constantly asks if I need something when he's going upstairs/downstairs, etc. Do I need something outside? do I need something when he goes in the basement? But if I ASK for something, if i NEED him to be there for me, he totally blows me off. If my car breaks down, he's unavailable. If I need him to watch the kids, he's busy working. If I request support with this child's academic future, I get torn a new one. Why would anyone do this??? What can I do to avoid this other than not asking for anything?


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

As with most relationships. Your probably did not start out like this, it progressed to this over time.

To answer your question as to why:

Most likely you and your partner are in a self reinforcing negative cycle that has progressed for years. What are you seeing is a man that is emotionally hurt and responds to it by lashing out and stonewalling. 

As much as you feel that your emotional needs are not being met chances are that on the other side he feels just as bad. He reacts to it differently. 

As to how you got in this situation. 

Again generally men and women enter relationships without proper training in driving long term balanced relationships. They act on instinct and the result is often both partners not having their emotional needs met. You where driving a relationship without a license and as many couples before you you went off the road.

In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. 

You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to 
misunderstandings that lead to the serious problems above.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. 

Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

To get started with understanding I highly recommend the material "John Gray Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" there you will find a wealth of good information.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Are you feeling better today? It doesn't sound like a fun situation to live with.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Plain and simple you need counselling. You are at each others necks, it seems all the time. He is offering when he knows you dont want and you are demanding. Youre both getting nowhere. You both have to give in.


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

I'm feeling ok Chelle, thanks for asking! For whatever reason it helps to let it go when you write it out.

As far as counseling goes, yep no doubt it's needed. Unfortunately it's a hugely frustrating experience...we once spent 2 sessions going on about the same thing. Counselor finally hammered out a solution and told him to agree to it because it was very reasonable. Worked for a very short time and then he completely threw it all out the window with no explanation:scratchhead:

I'm just tired of the same pattern. He has "program" talk where he tells me to keep out of his stuff/program. I've made a very conscious effort not to ask. Then he's right up in my business asking me what i'm working on? Umm ok?!! It's totally frustrating and i'm getting off on a rant, lol! 

I wish that for once we could come to an agreement of what is off limits and what isn't and work from there. He doesn't like to talk through anything, rather sweep it under the carpet. I need to work through things. There are some big issues to work through, yet he'd rather snipe at me about how some mornings it SEEMS like it's painful for me to say good morning. Umm ok I hadn't noticed that, but i've never been a morning person so it's highly possible. But lets sweep an actual issue under the carpet because that works:sleeping:

Has anyone ever done mediation and what kind of things have you put on the list to work out? I know they do it for people with the plan to stay together....


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## Hira (Aug 16, 2012)

The situation is not as stressful as you are explaining and I think you need to relax and wait for the right time.


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