# Turned on?



## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Does anyone else have the same issue? If so, what helps? My husband during the weekday is a different person due to work mode, stress etc. weekends he’s his perfect self. Being military, he just moved back home compared to the last few years he lived hours away and only came home weekends which of course was when we were only able to have sex. Now that he lives at home, he’s a different person during the week and I just can’t get in the mood/ be attracted to him after work. He’s just super serious, irritable and in deep thought/busy minded. He tries to squeeze time in for sex but I just can’t get turned on. His mood turns me off so much. Weekends I’m perfectly fine since he’s his goofy self and sex is great. Does anyone else wait to have se on the weekends? Is there a technique that works for you when your husbands are in work mood?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Laevans7 said:


> Is there a technique that works for you when your husbands are in work mood?


Fake it, for his sake, during the week, because you know he’ll deliver the good stuff on the weekend.

It’s a win-win-win situation for everyone! (One win is for me because of the great advice)


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> Fake it, for his sake, during the week, because you know he’ll deliver the good stuff on the weekend.
> 
> It’s a win-win-win situation for everyone! (One win is for me because of the great advice)


I’m a horrible actress lol not sure it would work


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think there might be a simple solution:

Tell him straight to his face what you just told us..... and in those exact words from up top because you did a good job explaining it.

OR:

“Honey you know you get me all hot and bothered when your acting your normal self like on the weekends. I may have to bang your brains out during the week as well if you could change your week day funk a little. “


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I think there might be a simple solution:
> 
> Tell him straight to his face what you just told us..... and in those exact words from up top because you did a good job explaining it.
> 
> ...


I said something like that and he said he will try but no guarantees. He just doesn’t seem to want sex on weekdays. He’s so distant/quiet and His mind is so busy


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Laevans7 said:


> He tries to squeeze time in for sex but I just can’t get turned on.





Laevans7 said:


> He just doesn’t seem to want sex on weekdays.


Most of us men aren't rocket scientists, but we know the difference between a wife who does and who does not want to have sex. 

If you give off an ''ugh, no'' vibe during the week (for whatever reason), it's not surprising he may not put much effort in during the week. It might even seem he doesn't want sex, but maybe he does, it's just a different type because it's during the week.

Guys come in all styles, some can't EVER turn work off, some can switch from work to play on a dime, some have a work week and weekend split, etc.

I'm not belittling your frustrations, but this seems easily fixable with some good communication, and lotsa love, grace and understanding from both sides.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Laevans7 said:


> Is there a technique that works for you when your husbands are in work mood?


You might want to try and focus mostly on nonsexual intimacy like hugs, back rubs, and conversations about things that are stressful. But do so by blurring the lines between nonsexual and sexual intimacy. An example might be enjoying back rubs in the nude while trying to keep any touching to something that is strictly nonsexual while perhaps each of your minds wonder and become curious about touching each other in a more pleasurable way. You can even try have fun with that and be all goofy about it! 

Badsanta


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’m retired military and my last job was being an operations supervisor at a very stressful unit. I had some weeks when I was the “adult supervision” for the unit and every day feels like one problem after another. It’s like you’re the “Giving Tree” at work, nothing but problems. Then you come home and depending on the home dynamic it starts all over. So by Thursday, you’re like “*F*ck can I have five minutes of not solving other people’s problems or having someone wanting something or being irritated with me.” If a guy’s laser beam focus is on something stressful it pollutes those around him.

The stress totally turned my wife off during the week but then she ended up in a job where she came home feeling the same way. After ayear, she realized what she was bringing (stress) or wasn’t bringing home (a libido). I decided to retire after a crappy weekday. She found new job a few months later, but now we’re in a better place.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Laevans7 

I wasn't going to reply to you at first, because you know...this is fairly personal. But having seen some of your other responses, I've decided to give it a go. 

My Beloved Hubby is retired military also. He also has what I call "work mode" which is not his normal mode where he is himself. During the week, when he's in work mode, his mind is SUPER busy and he can get quiet. Now in his previous job, he was THE head of his department and thus he had a lot on his shoulders. He was in "work mode" a lot more often! And I know he tried to "leave it at the office" but he was on call 24/7 and had a harder time shaking it off. 

Thus, part of me wonders if maybe this isn't just a part of military life. I told my Beloved Hubby that I personally believe once someone serves, they actually serve for life even if they leave the military. Maybe this is part of the cost of serving--that hyper-focus and deep personal responsibility. Of course, if you look at it from another perspective those exact things COULD be highly desirable qualities! He is able to concentrate and finish a task--and he's able to be accountable and not blame others. Sooo... what do you think? Do you think it's something you may need to just accept about him to some degree? 

We've done a couple things to transition from "work mode" to what--"Home mode"?  When he gets home I also put down my work and join him. We both change out of "work clothese" into "comfy clothes". We have a glass of wine and talk about our days. He cooks dinner. Yeah--he finds that cooking dinner is relaxing and it unwinds him (plus he cooks like a gourmet chef). Then after dinner we take a walk together. It's more of a quick stroll, really, but it's us together, staying healthy, and talking. We call this period "transition" because we do all this to move from the laser focus and stress of work--to being able to be present at home with each other. Do you have any ideas of things you two could to do "transition"? Maybe you always thought he likes a meal on the table when he gets home and he wishes you'd let him cook!  I don't know! 

After our walk, we begin the night. Sometimes we just sit and talk to each other. Sometimes we watch a show (currently watching one Magnum P.I. when we do watch). Sometimes we play computer games (we call that parallel playing because we play different games but watch each other play). Sometimes we do an activity or yardwork (I love to garden--he loves to watch me and cheer). But whatever it is, we are in it together. This period is where we reconnect after being disconnected all day. 

I think that's kind of the important part of this discussion, @Laevans7 ... you don't feel "turned on" when he's in "work mode" and maybe it's because there's a certain amount of being disconnected. You do your thing, he does his thing, and when you guys were physically apart, you could do your thing the way you like without his attitude. Then when you two DID get together, you kinda missed each other and sex was good! Now he does his thing, gets so focused on his thing he doesn't even notice you, if he does notice you it's to criticize and it's a little like death by a thousand paper cuts. During the week, can you do things that you both consider fun? Not like "date night" but stuff friends would do if they were together? Can you look at him with compassion and empathy what it might be like for him? Maybe a change of perspective and reconnecting would have an effect on how "turned on" you feel. Because our feelings follow our thoughts, and if he's in "work mode" and critical, your thoughts are not positive about him---and thus your feelings will be less than positive.


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Yes thank you for your post and I am being very supportive to him and trying very hard to be understanding. Unfortunately he has made it clear he does not want to associate with me and he kids on weekdays. I have offered going on walks, cooking together, watching tv show together..honestly anything. All he wants to do is his own hobbies in his man cave and kids and I are not allowed to disturb him. He said I can give hugs and kisses but no talking. He got overwhelmed last week because my daughter asked him to paint with her. I told the kids let do our own thing and when daddy is ready/distressed he will come to us. Unfortunately sometimes he’s in his man cave from need of work until late night and kids or I don’t get anytime with him. He acts like we are a burden and doesn’t want us around. He said he’s use to living on his own without a wife and kids and enjoys the peace/freedom during the week. So I’m being respectful and giving that to him and trying my best to keep the kids busy for a quiet home. His job is not stressful. He is only E-4 and been in since 2008 due to his addiction preventing him from moving in his career. He says that’s what hurts him the most about his career and I feel he has depression from it. He said he feels like higher rank has failed him and he’s stuck. I’m just emotionally hurt that he’s hurt like this and acts like he wants nothing to do with me and kids during week. It’s very painful for me


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Laevans7 said:


> Yes thank you for your post and I am being very supportive to him and trying very hard to be understanding. Unfortunately he has made it clear he does not want to associate with me and he kids on weekdays. I have offered going on walks, cooking together, watching tv show together..honestly anything. All he wants to do is his own hobbies in his man cave and kids and I are not allowed to disturb him. He said I can give hugs and kisses but no talking. He got overwhelmed last week because my daughter asked him to paint with her. I told the kids let do our own thing and when daddy is ready/distressed he will come to us. Unfortunately sometimes he’s in his man cave from need of work until late night and kids or I don’t get anytime with him. He acts like we are a burden and doesn’t want us around. He said he’s use to living on his own without a wife and kids and enjoys the peace/freedom during the week. So I’m being respectful and giving that to him and trying my best to keep the kids busy for a quiet home. His job is not stressful. He is only E-4 and been in since 2008 due to his adiction preventing him from moving in his career. He says that’s what hurts him the most about his career and I feel he has depression from it. He said he feels like higher rank has failed him and he’s stuck. I’m just emotionally hurt that he’s hurt like this and acts like he wants nothing to do with me and kids during week. It’s very painful for me


Well, no wonder you aren't turned on by him during the week. He's acting like an asshat during the week. And, while an ass can be sexy, an asshat is not. Very, _very_, few people (women or men) would be hot for someone who spent the majority of the time making it abundantly clear that they consider their partner and family a huge burden that they want nothing to do with. 

So, is the problem that you'd like to have sex during the week but his attitude and general demeanor are a turn off? He doesn't seem to want weekday sex - or any weekday interaction at all, really. Do you want weekday sex, or just weekday normal relationship interactions? Or is the real problem that his asshattery during the week is starting to impact your desire for sex _even on weekends_?

Is your husband aware that behaving like an angry, sulky, resentful, jackass 5 days out of 7 is one of those things that kills marriages? Maybe you should tell him. 

And maybe you should do a little work with a good therapist on building healthy boundaries for yourself. Because, 'He only treats us badly during the week' isn't something that should even occur to you as an excuse for the type of emotionally abusive/neglectful behavior your husband is dishing out. You need to think about what it's doing to your children as well. Because he's not just behaving this way to you. He's also subjecting his, your, children to this. That should not be, is not, okay.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

By the way, OP, you mentioned addiction. Is he an active addict?

If not, he's still engaging in many of the behaviors that both result from, and fuel, addiction. The martyrdom, the victimhood, the blame-shifting, the navel-gazing, the resentment, the ruminating on how wrong he's been done by the world. Yeah, that's got 'addict' written all over it. Which says to me that even if he's no longer actively using, he hasn't really done the work on himself that would lead to life-long recovery, either.

What's he actually doing when he's holed-up in his "man cave" ignoring his family?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Laevans7 said:


> Yes thank you for your post and I am being very supportive to him and trying very hard to be understanding. Unfortunately he has made it clear he does not want to associate with me and he kids on weekdays. I have offered going on walks, cooking together, watching tv show together..honestly anything.


I am going to point out that it seems like you have been trying all the right things and being extremely patient with your husband. There is one HUGE problem and that is the notion that your kids may feel unwanted by their father during the week. You naturally feel this way to, but you are setting an unhealthy example that it is OK to be treated that way by their father. 

Now allowing someone their personal space IS a healthy thing, and to some extent the kids should learn about that. But NOT always for it to be the entire week and just spending time together on the weekends. You might as well move into a separate house and drive to go visit the father on the weekends like a divorced couple that still has sex every once in a while.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Laevans7 said:


> Yes thank you for your post and I am being very supportive to him and trying very hard to be understanding. Unfortunately he has made it clear he does not want to associate with me and he kids on weekdays. I have offered going on walks, cooking together, watching tv show together..honestly anything. All he wants to do is his own hobbies in his man cave and kids and I are not allowed to disturb him. He said I can give hugs and kisses but no talking. He got overwhelmed last week because my daughter asked him to paint with her. I told the kids let do our own thing and when daddy is ready/distressed he will come to us. Unfortunately sometimes he’s in his man cave from need of work until late night and kids or I don’t get anytime with him. He acts like we are a burden and doesn’t want us around. He said he’s use to living on his own without a wife and kids and enjoys the peace/freedom during the week. So I’m being respectful and giving that to him and trying my best to keep the kids busy for a quiet home. His job is not stressful. He is only E-4 and been in since 2008 due to his addiction preventing him from moving in his career. He says that’s what hurts him the most about his career and I feel he has depression from it. He said he feels like higher rank has failed him and he’s stuck. I’m just emotionally hurt that he’s hurt like this and acts like he wants nothing to do with me and kids during week. It’s very painful for me


I bet it's painful - it's hard to feel dismissed and lonely when you are married to someone!!
Can I ask...how long has he been back home during the week...?

I think the way you are handling it is the best way possible - he NEEDS this time, this space...and he's right, it's a HUGE adjustment, and being military, I'm sure he's become comfortable with routines and time alone, and now all that has changed for him.

I asked how long he's been home because it might take him a little while to adjust to his new circumstances, and if you support him lovingly and give him his space, he might be able to come out of it and be more like his weekend-self during the week, after he is able to readjust to his new routine.

As far as being turned on for him during the week, if his behavior turns you off, just be non-judgmentally honest about it - I would say, "Honey, I'm willing to give you your alone time if you need it, but then YOU will have to understand that in order to do that, I won't be interested in having sex until I am able to feel closer to you. I am NOT trying to punish you at all, but I will have to have MY sexual needs respected and honored by you while I am respecting and honoring YOUR needs for time and space away from me."

Try and hold off on feeling neglected and unloved by him, so you can prevent resentment from setting in. Set a time in your mind of how long you will allow him to behave this way (one month, three months, whatever), and then revisit it with him if things haven't worked out the way you would like them to.

You sound like a loving and caring spouse, trying to do her best for her husband and children - he's lucky to have you!!!


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I bet it's painful - it's hard to feel dismissed and lonely when you are married to someone!!
> Can I ask...how long has he been back home during the week...?
> 
> I think the way you are handling it is the best way possible - he NEEDS this time, this space...and he's right, it's a HUGE adjustment, and being military, I'm sure he's become comfortable with routines and time alone, and now all that has changed for him.
> ...


Thank you, yes we are 31 years old and been together since we were 12 lol I know crazy! Unconditional love, forgiveness, never giving up and patience has been our foundation to get us where we are today. He has been home a month and I’m being patient for him to adjust


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## Laevans7 (May 3, 2020)

Rowan said:


> By the way, OP, you mentioned addiction. Is he an active addict?
> 
> If not, he's still engaging in many of the behaviors that both result from, and fuel, addiction. The martyrdom, the victimhood, the blame-shifting, the navel-gazing, the resentment, the ruminating on how wrong he's been done by the world. Yeah, that's got 'addict' written all over it. Which says to me that even if he's no longer actively using, he hasn't really done the work on himself that would lead to life-long recovery, either.
> 
> What's he actually doing when he's holed-up in his "man cave" ignoring his family?


He’s very artistic and loves painting. So he paints warhammers/action figures, does video calls with his military group chat buddies planning airaoft events and such. He’s just use to doing that for the past two years after work on weekdays since he didn’t have me and the kids around. He likes the schedule he had when he was living away so I’m respecting that but still trying to work with him to slowly incorporate kids and I into his weekday. He did play video games with my boys yesterday so hopefully slowly improving.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You perhaps should inquire why the weekends he seems different. Is there anything during the week that you could possibly help your H with to get him in a lighter mood(you need to ask him this). Could be as simple as talking about his day to relieve stress.


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