# Can my marriage be salvaged?



## kimanna

I don't even know where to start. My husband moved out in February after both of us being unhappy for a very long time. We filed for divorce almost immediately, and he moved a lady friend into his new place. Not just any lady friend, she was his boss at his first job and he's had a little bit of an infatuation witb her for all of these years. I always knew that, was never a big deal, I think a lot of people look back at someone from their teens and have little "crushes". They found each other on Facebook shortly before our split and he moved her the 80ish miles from our old hometown to here.

Anyway, they lived together until late May. She was arrested in early May for something, not sure of the details, was released on house arrest and went for a drunken joyride in my husband's car (on a suspended license, mind you) and got into a wreck. Long story slightly shorter, she was charged with about 7 things and is in jail. 

My husband also lost his job between her two arrests, so her incarceration left him in the apartment alone with no way to pay his bills. Not long after her second arrest, he brought up reconciliation, said he still loves me and missed me and so on. He says that he and his lady friend were never more than just friends, but I know that he told her via email that he loved her, so color me skeptical. In any case, I agreed to the reconciliation attempt and he's moved back in here. He's being pleasant and paying attention to me (one of my issues with the marriage was always feeling neglected, so the attention is a nice change) but in all honesty I'm eating myself up inside.

A big part of me firmly believes that he's only back because his plan a went to jail anx he couldn't afford his rent, and that he'll be gone again as soon as she's out. He says no, but one wouldn't exactly admit to something like that, y'know? Of course he said no. It's not so much that he was with her, we were living apart and on the way to divorce so it's really not my business that he was seeing her. That's not my problem, the problem is the timing of his "change of heart" and my worry that this is just temporary for him. I love my husband and want things to work, but I HATE all of this suspicion and distrust. Am I being paranoid or just plain dumb? Can a marriage be saved with that sort of trust issue between the spouses?

Thanks in advance for any advice or insights, and my apologies if my phone's autocorrect did anything odd in the post.
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## anx

You can be suspicious, but space really does make the heart grow finder. My story is in my profile, but I'm separated a second time. Both times have lead to increased romance and closeness. I think its part seeing the grass isn't greener and part missing the woman he married because he loved.

Doubt isn't a terrible thing. It wouldn't be smart to completely open your heart so he can smash it again. It will take time but can get better with mc if you are both committed and want it to happen. 

Men and women are vastly different in some respects. If he decided he was wrong, overnight groundbreaking change is pretty normal.

You are being realistic and hurt. It can get better. Trust does come back. The timeline depends on how much you both want it.
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## Catherine602

I think you know that you are tge fall back person. If he came back when he had a choice between the two and chose you AND you made him prove his resolve you would feel better.

Look, you were unhappy for many years and he had no problem leaving you and moving in this other woman. He has a sudden change of heart when he has no other choice you look good. When he has more options you will no longer look so good and he will be gone. 

Will you feel worse knowing that you let him use you as a temporary home and bankroll while he waits for an alcoholic jailbird to replace you? 

Woman up and gather your self respect and tell him you decided he needs to earn his way back. I'd continue with tge divorce and move on. Leave him to his foolish choices. He will miss you eventually but it is too soon now. He is still in love with the OW. 

Women don't protect there hearts they are too ready to take a man back in the hope that their kindness will make him love then. Men don't respect women they don't have to work for. When it is too easy they feel little attraction or committment to stay. 

Find someone who will pay for you to move and moves you into his home because he loves you that much. This man does not. Stop allowing yourself to be used, get him out and continue with the divorce. It will do wonders for your self esteem.
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## cisco7931

Ok, let me get this straight, he moved out, divorced you, went and lived with another woman who was jailed, then he came back to you after...

It could be because he realized that 1) He cant pay for the rent, so the obvious option is to go back to you or 2) Just like what anx said, the grass isnt greener on the other side.

Give him a chance, Love does NOT end, and it should NOT stop after an affair. Love only stops when either of you die, that has been my motto throughout my current separation. Even beyond death, you can show love (life insurance etc etc). When both of you got married, it was more than a Marriage Contract, you entered into a Covenant, something sacred. 

So by all means, give him a chance BUT, protect yourself. That doesnt mean that you wont trust him 100%, but leave some space for yourself, that if ever he ends up just doing the number 1 I indicated above, you can still hold your head up high saying that you weren't dumb at all with that decision. You just gave him another chance at love, and another chance to realize that he had a true and genuine change of heart. 

Good Luck and I wish you all the best, and, did I say, it helps to Pray and have Faith in His ways?


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## Kauaiguy

People will do almost anything in a DESPERATE situation. I would be leery of him until he proves otherwise. It may take a while, but I would certainly guard my feelings and take things in stride and see what transpire when things get better for him.

Good Luck with your situation and hope it goes well for you.


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## kimanna

I really appreciate the insights, it's good to hear what other people think and see if a fresh perspective helps things make more sense. I'm in such a weird place right now as far as emotions and my self esteem, and that certainly doesn't help me think rationally. I love him but at the same time I'm absolutely furipus with him over the dishonesty and some of the things that were said prior to him moving out. On the other hand, I'm no angel and said my share of unkind things during that same time, so it's not exactly fair or reasonable to hold a grudge over things he said. Unfair and unreasonable as it may be, though, I'm having a hard time letting go of some of the more hurtful and cruel things he said. 

I also can't shake the anger, resentment, and just plain jealousy over his fling. He still insists that it wasn't anything other than friendship, says that the "I love you" email to her was from someone else using his phone to email her, but c'mon, after 10 years together I recognize the "tone" and cadence of his writing, so the denial just makes me more angry. The worst part, though, is that he gravitated to a perpetually drunk woman with an extensive arrest record, a thief among other things, with more than one DUI charge under her belt, etc. I always thought you traded up in situations like that, so what was it about her that made her so attractive? Is it the "bad girl" thing?

Ugh, I just hate this jealousy and insecurity, I've never been a jealous type so it's unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I hate the part of me that thinks that I somehow have to compete with her when I'm absolutely nothing like her and never will be. 

Anyway, thank you again for the insights, I feel so lost and alone right now and can't really talk to most of my family and friends about this in any great detail, it's embarassing to admit to some of the less reasonable and sane feelings and thoughts.
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## anx

If you do go back get into ic and or mc.

Also, you need to talk about how you feel. Everyone has irrational feelings going through stuff like that. Get it out somehow instead of acting on the irrational feelings.
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## kimanna

I've decided that I'm going to try to get past this and stay in my marriage. I'm still angry and it still hurts, but I'm honestly going to try. I'm working on getting into counseling or therapy, it's just slow going with no insurance and not the greatest income. Hopefully one of the places that does sliding scale fees will work out.

In the meantime, I'm trying hard to head off the stuff that eats at me, and he seems to genuinely be trying to help with that. One of the things that was bothering me was all of her stuff being in the trunk of his car. I know she can't have it dropped off at the jail and just leaving it at their apartment for the landlord to toss would have been a crappy thing to do. Logic and reason be damned, though, her belongings being in his car bothered me badly. Well, I didn't ask him to do anything about it and really hadn't said anything to him aboht it bothering me, but he went out and put her stuff in the trash the other night, completely on his own and it was entirely his idea. I don't know exactly how to take that, the petty and insecure part of me was glad to see her things gone, but at the same time another part of me feels bad about it, plus I'm not sure why he did it. He said it was to help prove to me that he's not going back to her when she gets out of jail, and I guess I need to accept that answer and take it as a good faith gesture, even if it was a mean one.

I also don't get why I feel at all bad for her. She's a criminal and seemed happy to shack up with a married man so I'm not sure why I feel sympathy for her, but I actually catch myself wondering where she'll live when she gets out of jail, and then I get annoyed with myself because she's not my problem and has made her iwn bed. Ugh!
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## anx

Empathy isn't a bad thing. Even when its for someone who doesn't deserve it. 

I applaud you for trying to fix this. It is possible if you both want it. 

The truck thing is a good sign. It will still be rocky and you will both mess up. Mc is an emotional rollercoaster and a mind f$*#. You need the will to stick with it. 

I wish you the best of luck and God bless.
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