# Need Advice!



## anonymous111 (Feb 1, 2011)

need advice. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and a half. A friend of my husband's, who is female and also married, has been stand-offish and rude to me from the very first day we met. I tried very hard to be friends with this person, but my gestures were consistently met with the cold shoulder. There are many examples of very disrespectful behavior. After my husband and I had been dating for 8 months she decided to plan a birthday party for my husband along with another mutual friend, however when I emailed her to see if I could be a part of the b-day planning she said she was "too busy" and suddenly didn't want to plan the party. She then didn't show on the day of his birthday, and I had to call and beg her to come because her absence upset my husband. There are many other strange incidents, showing up drunk and late to our engagement party, inviting my husband to events and not me, and flat out not responding to several emails and calls when I asked if we might talk whatever might be bothering her out. Before we were married, my husband handled the situation by eventually ignoring this girl's emails and texts (which never stopped). However, the moment we were married he insisted that ignoring her was never something he was comfortable with or wanted to do and blamed me for ruining their friendship (and his friendship with her husband who has taken her side). (I had honestly thought the decision was reasonable and mutually agreed upon, and was crushed by this.) When we eventually confronted the girl as a couple, she admitted that she did not have any interest in having a connection with me. My husband and i have since ignored this woman, but he has not been able to move forward with re-building a life with me. He hardly talks when we go out with other mutual friends or when we are on date nights together. The girl is friends with a small group of his mutual friends and the group hangs out regularly and does not invite my husband or I along. The girl and her husband admitted to gossiping about my husband and I to mutual friends (while we have chosen the high road and didn't want to put friends in the middle.) We were once uninvited to a BBQ by a mutual friend at the last minute because this girl decided to show up. This past week my husband dropped a bombshell. He says he wants to hang with his old small group of friends (with this girl present) without me there. His says tha he misses his friends and he thinks that he will be able to see them more if he can get them to invite him to small group encounters (6 people) with this girl present (we do not avoid parties when she is there). He is not making any efforts to include me. The superbowl is this weekend and he won't commit to making plans with me until he sees if his friends will allow him to watch with them (and this girl) first. When I complain about this, he says i'm crazy and paranoid and have no right to be upset about his decision. I am heartbroken and feel this is breaking all my trust in my husband. I feel he should have stuck up to this girl a long time ago, and is now allowing her to call all the shots in his friendships. I don't think I can feel the same about my husband if he chooses to hang in small groups with this girl (his old group) without me present. I feel like he's chosing those relationsihops over his marraige. I feel so disillusioned and unfairly treated. What should I do?


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## ready4peace (Feb 3, 2011)

I wish I could help you. I'm in a similar situation and it drives me crazy. We have been married for 2 years and now my husband is deciding he wants to go out and drink and stay out all hours of the night. I do feel like you do like he is choosing this lifestyle over the one I thought was genuine. Have you told him how you feel? Even though our communications skills are failing I feel like that is where you should start. Good Luck.


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## bingofuel (Jan 27, 2011)

That's bs--You have good reason to be upset. I would not stand for it either. I do not subscribe to the "platonic" relationship in general. Her behavior described here REEKS of deeper feelings for your husband (Queen bee syndrome) and I would nip this in the bud NOW. Are there other females in this group of friends? What does this other woman's husband think about all this? More than likely he is as uncomfortable about all this as you are and may be your strongest ally. My wife and I both lost some friends after we got married for this same reason- I can relate. Some friends cannot deal with the fact that there is someone in your life more important than they, and when you cannot afford as much time and energy into that friendship, they become resentful, even hostile toward the other person. Ask your H how he would feel if the roles were reversed.. He needs to choose between the health of your marriage, or that particular friendship.


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

I am sorry about all this.... your feelings are bang on correct. Personally, I would threaten to leave but that might be immature! Oh dear oh dear. bingofuel was right... it reeks of deeper feelings. This woman is being a whiny fool and playing a game. She is catching pleasure out of this struggle she is creating. Your husband will have to band with you no matter who his friend's were. My husband's old boss always said: if i am friends with a woman that my wife doens't want me to be friends with... then she is cut off from my life. I am sure this is what you want, it's what all us women want. but, unfortunately, that may be hard to communicate to your husband. all sorts of attractive people are going to come and go for the rest of your married lives. You've only been married a year and a half and one has cropped up already. In my marriage alone, I can think of at least a dozen men I think ooooooh, he's really sexy, so how many has my husband come across? It is so easy to be snared in by attraction, so, we have to make our own limits and such. if you guys figure this out, it should definitely become one of those things you will lay as a foundation for the rest of your marriage. as should anything you learn in marriage!


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