# MEN- I'd like your input please! Help!



## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

I know I want MEN to answer this and the reason I am directing this question to all the men is because as a woman I have many women friends that have already given their 2 cents and I really need advice; real advice! I have not had sex with my fiance in TWO MONTHS and he just admitted to me that he is looking at porn and is not interested in sex. Please read on. 

Here's a lil background on me.. I am a former model/actress (I only did it as a hobby while I attended law school) therefore I have always kept myself in stellar shape and even after having my first child 6 months ago I am already back to UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. I am educated, attractive and in love with my fiance. We met on a movie set (I was on the production team, he was an extra just hanging out on set to have a good time) We are both attractive individuals and he played the field for a long time before asking me to marry him. He was not looking for love and neither was I.. I was in a 7 year relationship when we met and had NO intentions of ending it although I was at my breaking point and ended up finding love with my now fiance and ending the other relationship. I gave up a lot to be with him and I don't regret that but it hurts me now because of what I am facing. 

After we fell in love, we ended up getting pregnant! We were already talking about marriage because from the moment we met we just had that "I know I want to be with this person forever" feeling. Getting pregnant definitely put a spin on things in our lives. We put a lot of our goals on hold. We ended up moving a lot faster than we planned and we moved in together about a month after we met. Things moved FAST. 

HERE'S MY PROBLEM: All of a sudden things started slowing down sexually-HIS choice. Before he met me he had lots of casual sex with many females and honestly the past is the past it does not bother me. However, I am the longest relationship he has ever had and the most serious as he has asked me to marry him a year ago and we plan to get married this year. Our daughter is the most amazing thing in our life but I noticed that as soon as I started "showing" during pregnancy my fiance became UNINTERESTED IN SEX> no sex. I would initiate it and he would turn it down. It really hurt me. I was still attractive and he told me so but he made excuse after excuse while I heard from other pregnant friends that their husbands and fiances were having sex with them daily! We didn't have sex for months! Finally I broke down and he would do what I felt was PITY SEX just to appease me. That's not what I wanted but he promised me things would change after the baby. 

If you are a parent you know THINGS DID change but not the way we thought. We were tired. We started a business together that is really thriving and things got even more overwhelming but in good ways! Out sex life is basically non-existent and he never sits near me on the couch (sits on the other one) doesn't hold me hand or put his arms around me, never initiates sex or even flirting and after months of this with only a couple sexual encounters I confronted him. He admitted he has been watching porn for years before we met but recently he has been watching it routinely and comes home from work (he works a night shift as a second job as our business grows) masturbates while watching porn and then showers and goes to bed, bypassing sex with his gorgeous, willing and ready fiance! I want him. I tell him. He knows and he promises "we will" but it's not happening. Now I am really worried. I am afraid our relationship will have to end on account of his porn addiction. 

I need to understand WHY MEN do this? and whether it can be changed? What do I need to do in order to make him want me again? I admit I have not been being as sexy or spontaneous and perhaps that is why he lost some interest in me but I know he thinks I am sexy b/c he tells me all the time that I am. I am not insecure or worried that I don't look good. I am not jealous of porn stars or feel inadequate.. I am disappointed. I can't even imagine that tonight he is going to come home and go masturbate to someone else and not me. Please shed some light males! Is there hope?

Side note: last night after admitting his porn issue we got into a huge fight where I was mean and told him i wanted to leave him. I did not mean it but it's how hurtful it made me feel. Afterward we were cuddling and actually had sex for the FIRST time in over 2 months and it was very good. Afterward he said "I don't know why I am not doing this with you, it's SO much better than masturbating" what gives?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hmm, he sounds immature to me but then I'm only getting one side. I also imaging he could be bored. Switching from a player who has lots of casual sex to a dad with one woman is quite a change. Even with a super hottie it can be tough. Are you a freak? Looks can't make up for lack of imagination. The problem with porn is it offers complete variety instantly with no chance of judgement. Pretty hard to compete with that.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hmm, he sounds immature to me but then I'm only getting one side. I also imaging he could be bored. Switching from a player who has lots of casual sex to a dad with one woman is quite a change. Even with a super hottie it can be tough. Are you a freak? Looks can't make up for lack of imagination. The problem with porn is it offers complete variety instantly with no chance of judgement. Pretty hard to compete with that.


i agree with the possibility of him being bored being in a ltr and a child.

i think porn has a part in ruining a lot of relationships.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

How he treated you isn't even normal for men. I have never understood why men would substitute pixels on a computer screen with the real woman who is the love of their life.

He is addicted, and that is about him not you.

If you are having no sex and you aren't married... at the very least delay your wedding. Do not marry a person who will not have sex (because while it is very possible he will recover from his addiction, there is a chance he won't).


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

When I read your post I started thinking that your SO's problem maybe a masturbation addiction.Kinda opened up my eyes when I googled it.Apparently it can also lead to an emotional disconnect as well.Don't know if it would help,but maybe it could shed some light on your situation if you checked it out.


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

You all have valid points. He is young. Younger than me. I am used to relationships & I do realize I am attractive but I do need to do the same freaky, sexy, spontaneous things I used to! I love sex and im not afraid to be as sexy or crazy as he wants but he honestly tells me he likes what I.do and tonight he says he is up for round two so maybe he was bored and we needed to just get back into healthy habits! I agree its hard to compete with porn...but I still dont think its as gratifying in the end and more of a stress related escape method than a cheating mechanism for him although...if he had not been man enough to admit what was going on and try to.fix it I definitely would seek counseling with him or leave because porn addiction is a real relationship killer like one of you mentioned! 

I've seen so many threads on men and porn it's pretty Scary. I watched porn whenever he wasn't interested but not as a substitute & I never lost interest. Im gonna try harder to be more interesting. I know it helps. Thanks for your honest input!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Momma,
I have a simple view of porn. If you are using it as a replacement for marital sex and your spouse WANTS you, then it is a type of cheating. He is having an affair with his laptop and his hand at your expense. This is cruel and toxic. 

He needs to give you "right of first refusal" every night. If you want to connect - you do, if you turn him down, he can do what he needs to do. 

If he won't agree to that, he is basically telling you he plans to continue this "virtual affair" at your expense. Would you be ok with that? 




OneHotMomma said:


> I know I want MEN to answer this and the reason I am directing this question to all the men is because as a woman I have many women friends that have already given their 2 cents and I really need advice; real advice! I have not had sex with my fiance in TWO MONTHS and he just admitted to me that he is looking at porn and is not interested in sex. Please read on.
> 
> Here's a lil background on me.. I am a former model/actress (I only did it as a hobby while I attended law school) therefore I have always kept myself in stellar shape and even after having my first child 6 months ago I am already back to UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. I am educated, attractive and in love with my fiance. We met on a movie set (I was on the production team, he was an extra just hanging out on set to have a good time) We are both attractive individuals and he played the field for a long time before asking me to marry him. He was not looking for love and neither was I.. I was in a 7 year relationship when we met and had NO intentions of ending it although I was at my breaking point and ended up finding love with my now fiance and ending the other relationship. I gave up a lot to be with him and I don't regret that but it hurts me now because of what I am facing.
> 
> ...


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Find your husband a nice boyfriend if you want him to have a sex life.
NOBODY would prefer to watch porn rather than to just do it themselves.
Maybe he's a closet bi-sexual since he does come through for you a couple of times in a six month period.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

hookares said:


> Find your husband a nice boyfriend if you want him to have a sex life.
> NOBODY would prefer to watch porn rather than to just do it themselves.
> Maybe he's a closet bi-sexual since he does come through for you a couple of times in a six month period.


I'm not sure that's true.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

A thought - did you fiance see the birth? Assuming there it was natural. That can sometimes turn a man off after seeing you give birth - he can no longer visualise your p**** for hot horny sex, only childbirth and mothering.... This could explain why he has turned to porn - those images have nothing to do with the reality of children. Whatever the cause a good sex therapist or a MC who specialises in sexual issues is definitely needed.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

OneHotMomma said:


> Side note: last night after admitting his porn issue we got into a huge fight where I was mean and told him i wanted to leave him. I did not mean it but it's how hurtful it made me feel. Afterward we were cuddling and actually had sex for the FIRST time in over 2 months and it was very good. Afterward he said "I don't know why I am not doing this with you, it's SO much better than masturbating" what gives?


He has an intimacy problem. It is more than just a porn problem.

Please send him here for an amazing Tedx Video on why you don't want to be playing with porn:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zif0_60b3WU

Then, give him a copy of Male Sexuality by Michael Bader. You should both read it and discuss it.

Finally, see if you can have eyes open sex. No fantasy, just the two of you watching each other in all of your human glory. If ya can't do it, there is much fruitful work in figuring out why.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can think of only two reasons why a guy might prefer porn over being with a woman. 1. He's gay and he's watching gay porn. 2. He's got performance problems (he can perform better in his head than in the bed).


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I can think of only two reasons why a guy might prefer porn over being with a woman. 1. He's gay and he's watching gay porn. 2. He's got performance problems (he can perform better in his head than in the bed).


Seriously?:scratchhead:

Homophobic maybe?:scratchhead:

Your comment is akin to saying the only reason a crack addict prefers crack to food is because they are a vegetarian.

I recommend you watch the Tedx video as well. This is about addiction.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Not to be childish, but do you have toys? You could always get yourself a nice sized dildo, ask him to come get the sexy on, if he turns you down, just start masturbating. It might get his attention, then again, it might not.

I would find replacing our sex life with porn unacceptable. Oh, that would actually anger me greatly. I would suggest a trip to the Gen Practitioner, to rule out something physical and then head to a sex therapist. Maybe try scheduling sex once a week for a month, then twice a week and so on. Compliment his body and skills (if he has them, if not, don't lie to him. Give constructive criticism) if you and he enjoys massages, give him a full body massage in the candle light while wearing something sexy and fun. 

Just have fun. It sounds like maybe things are the same, and that does get boring after a while, so spicing it up will be a good thing. Oh, maybe you could both write down a list of things you want to try (so it doesn't become one sided) and try one new thing every time you have sex, that could be fun. Or you could pick up some games from Lover's Lane or somewhere like that, drink a little wine, and make a night of it 

Good Luck!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

OneHotMomma said:


> Here's a lil background on me.. I am a former model/actress (I only did it as a hobby while I attended law school) therefore I have always kept myself in stellar shape and even after having my first child 6 months ago I am already back to UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. I am educated, attractive and in love with my fiance.


Ah, another woman who actually bothers to keep herself in shape, kudos! 



> We met on a movie set (I was on the production team, he was an extra just hanging out on set to have a good time) We are both attractive individuals and he played the field for a long time before asking me to marry him. He was not looking for love and neither was I.. I was in a 7 year relationship when we met and had NO intentions of ending it although I was at my breaking point and ended up finding love with my now fiance and ending the other relationship. I gave up a lot to be with him and I don't regret that but it hurts me now because of what I am facing.
> 
> After we fell in love, we ended up getting pregnant! We were already talking about marriage because from the moment we met we just had that "I know I want to be with this person forever" feeling. Getting pregnant definitely put a spin on things in our lives. We put a lot of our goals on hold. We ended up moving a lot faster than we planned and we moved in together about a month after we met. Things moved FAST.


Ah... love! + Alcohol! admit it 



> HERE'S MY PROBLEM: All of a sudden things started slowing down sexually-HIS choice. Before he met me he had lots of casual sex with many females and honestly the past is the past it does not bother me. However, I am the longest relationship he has ever had and the most serious as he has asked me to marry him a year ago and we plan to get married this year.


Being the longest relationship one has been in does have an effect on one's mentality. As an ex-player myself I know that its those women who stick for you the longest that count in the end.



> Our daughter is the most amazing thing in our life but I noticed that as soon as I started "showing" during pregnancy my fiance became UNINTERESTED IN SEX> no sex. I would initiate it and he would turn it down. It really hurt me. I was still attractive and he told me so but he made excuse after excuse while I heard from other pregnant friends that their husbands and fiances were having sex with them daily! We didn't have sex for months! Finally I broke down and he would do what I felt was PITY SEX just to appease me. That's not what I wanted but he promised me things would change after the baby.
> 
> If you are a parent you know THINGS DID change but not the way we thought. We were tired. We started a business together that is really thriving and things got even more overwhelming but in good ways! Out sex life is basically non-existent and he never sits near me on the couch (sits on the other one) doesn't hold me hand or put his arms around me, never initiates sex or even flirting and after months of this with only a couple sexual encounters I confronted him. He admitted he has been watching porn for years before we met but recently he has been watching it routinely and comes home from work (he works a night shift as a second job as our business grows) masturbates while watching porn and then showers and goes to bed, bypassing sex with his gorgeous, willing and ready fiance! I want him. I tell him. He knows and he promises "we will" but it's not happening. Now I am really worried. I am afraid our relationship will have to end on account of his porn addiction.
> 
> I need to understand WHY MEN do this? and whether it can be changed? What do I need to do in order to make him want me again? I admit I have not been being as sexy or spontaneous and perhaps that is why he lost some interest in me but I know he thinks I am sexy b/c he tells me all the time that I am. I am not insecure or worried that I don't look good. I am not jealous of porn stars or feel inadequate.. I am disappointed. I can't even imagine that tonight he is going to come home and go masturbate to someone else and not me. Please shed some light males! Is there hope?


Porn = Better than sex
The reason is because you can pleasure yourself faster and much better than any female could, then get on with life

But many men will agree = a "love" **** beats a dozen casual f--ks
It doesn't seem to be much chemistry or emotional connection between you two... either than physical, how were the first kisses?



> Side note: last night after admitting his porn issue we got into a huge fight where I was mean and told him i wanted to leave him. I did not mean it but it's how hurtful it made me feel. Afterward we were cuddling and actually had sex for the FIRST time in over 2 months and it was very good. Afterward he said "I don't know why I am not doing this with you, it's SO much better than masturbating" what gives?


Erm, that's because makeup sex = hot
Wifey and I do it after each fight

Though nowadays I'm just annoyed with her pulling me pants down everytime I go out for a smoko and running off


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

This isn't a "why men do this" issue. Men typically don't do this. In fact, most men are begging their partners for sex. The fact he's not doing this signals something is up.

Either he's addicted to porn, or he's getting it somewhere else, or has a medical issue (though the porn thing points that it's not medical).

This should be a huge red flag for you. Most importantly, you need to talk to him about it to find out what is causing it. Not in a aggressive manner, but really looking to find out why this is going on (if it's a quirk of his behavior or he feels lead that way because of something in the relationship).

Either way, put the wedding on hold. You do NOT want to start off marriage on this foot. Read the piles and piles of threads about women in your position after years of marriage and decide if you want that to be your life.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Take it from a man who has been in marriage that was sexless for most of the ~15 years. It's a terrible lonely self-esteem crushing daily pain if you have an active libido.

You DO NOT want to go down this road, until his sexual matters are resolved. Take it from someone who knows. Don't marry him until he gets his sexual issues resolved.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Keep in mind that a healthy man is going to get his release one way or another. He may need it daily or only once a week but it will happen. Many women think this is cheating but its not always an emotional thing for us. Its mostly physical and can often be an effective form of stress relief. The trick is to figure out why he's avoiding you.

Some men prefer porn because it's easier. Some women have so many "requirements" for sex and make it so complicated its just not worth the effort.

Some men are too lazy for basic foreplay so they turn to porn for the easy release.

Some men become emotionally disconnected from their wife for whatever reason. Its hard to share intimacy with someone you can't relate to so porn is the best option. 

Some men are no longer attracted to their spouse and know they can't "perform" so they use porn. 

Some men have a fetish or prefer a certain act his spouse won't do so they use porn. 

Sometimes a man needs some "strange" so he turns to porn.

Some men are addicted to porn.

I think a good way to narrow this down is to offer your man some "no strings" quickies involving his favorite position or act. Make it clear your doing it because you've been thinking about him. If he always turns you down you know its not because sex is difficult with you. This gesture has always made me have deep feelings of appreciation for my wife and I always tried to return the favor at a later date. I have only turned her down once due to illness.

You can also masturbate in bed in the morning and then ask him to join you. A women who is comfortable doing this in front of her man is a real turn on and most men would jump on the chance to have sex with a prelubricated women . The morning is also the horniest time for most men. I don't think I could be angry enough with my wife to turn this down. Of course make sure you smelling nice and he's not overly tired when you try it.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> A thought - did you fiance see the birth? Assuming there it was natural. That can sometimes turn a man off after seeing you give birth - he can no longer visualise your p**** for hot horny sex, only childbirth and mothering.... This could explain why he has turned to porn - those images have nothing to do with the reality of children. Whatever the cause a good sex therapist or a MC who specialises in sexual issues is definitely needed.


Uhh no

Saw both kids born vaginally. Waiting the 6 weeks for sex still sucked BIG time. Still a ***** I wanted. Load of crap if a guy uses this as an excuse.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

In efforts to try and identify reasons for behaviour our society has become fixated on disorders.

What I mean by that is I dont think your husband has a porn addiction. I think he's a bit sexually lazy being tired from the 2 jobs. I also think he's a bit immature and naive. I think he needs to own the fact that he just not meeting your needs sexually and it has nothing to do with porn. This started with your body changing due to pregnancy and him not being able to deal.


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

TBT said:


> When I read your post I started thinking that your SO's problem maybe a masturbation addiction.Kinda opened up my eyes when I googled it.Apparently it can also lead to an emotional disconnect as well.Don't know if it would help,but maybe it could shed some light on your situation if you checked it out.


I havent looked that up but you know what is interesting... we had sex the other night and I noticed it takes him a lil longer to get off than other men I have been with... many times he actually jacks off (I know TMI) on to me etc.. and I watch the way he does it and it seems like he is better at doing that than I am at doing it to him.. making your point valid! I don't get it.. Help. Where do I find info on this? and is there a way to stop it?


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I'm not sure that's true.


NO he is definitely not a closet Bisexual or anything like that. I have been working on it and it seems to actually be getting better if that's even possible but we have had sex twice since I wrote this post and I did things I USED to do.. meaning I have just initiated it and he went with it.. and I dressed up too so I think it was or IS more of a boredom,... we had a kid... blah blah thing but we Shall see b/c I also feel people will TRY hard to hide their problems when they know you know now.. I will just keep trying and see how it pans out..


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> A thought - did you fiance see the birth? Assuming there it was natural. That can sometimes turn a man off after seeing you give birth - he can no longer visualise your p**** for hot horny sex, only childbirth and mothering.... This could explain why he has turned to porn - those images have nothing to do with the reality of children. Whatever the cause a good sex therapist or a MC who specialises in sexual issues is definitely needed.


NO. I had a C section


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

I took your advice and it seems to be working. I will see though.. I really hope I can change things.


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## OneHotMomma (Apr 30, 2012)

haha I like your responses. I agree I can see how looking at porn is more time efficient that having to do the entire act and that is why I think he has fallin into a routine like he has.. but Is there hope for him to change is what I want to know


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

OneHotMomma said:


> haha I like your responses. I agree I can see how looking at porn is more time efficient that having to do the entire act and that is why I think he has fallin into a routine like he has.. but Is there hope for him to change is what I want to know


There is hope for sure. Though he has to want to change his behavior and he has to have the willpower to not keep looking again and again at your expense.

He needs to do this because it's what's right for you, because he loves you... not because you'll get upset if he biffs it (there's a difference).


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Going Mental said:


> A thought - did you fiance see the birth? Assuming there it was natural. That can sometimes turn a man off after seeing you give birth - he can no longer visualise your p**** for hot horny sex, only childbirth and mothering.... This could explain why he has turned to porn - those images have nothing to do with the reality of children. Whatever the cause a good sex therapist or a MC who specialises in sexual issues is definitely needed.



First, I have to say that if your Avatar is actually you, then DAMN!!! Your man is an idiot! Because if I wasn't happily married and I didn't look the way that I do....dude would have some competition!

On a serious note. I would have to agree with Going Mental. This is actually a condition called the Madonna/Wh*re Complex. That you were everything he desired and once you had your kid, you turned into a mother and a lady not only in public, but in the bedroom. He does not want you to be Wh*reish in the bedroom, because you are a lady and the mother of his child.

Unfortuantely, some guys that suffer from this condition could end up cheating. To find someone with acceptable wh*reish behaviors. Thus, it could explain why he's watching porn. However, I'm just speculating because it is really hard to Diagnose this condition, therefore a professional should evaluate him to see if this is the case. Therefore, I strongly reccommend that you take him to see someone.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Putting the pieces together based solely off your side of the story, and assuming that he is not gay, or does not have any physiological performance issues, the picture looks like this to me:

A young, attractive man meets an older, attractive woman. There are sparks, chemistry, and soon love. He is a former player who is willing to give up the game for her. All looks rosy and beautiful, and just as he's about to embark on the biggest responsibility he's ever faced, which in and of itself is a challenge...here comes the baby.

Things moved very quickly for you guys, and this man's entire world was rocked. That is a HUGE leap, to go from the freedom of as many causal encounters as you like, to BAM being in love, BAM wanting to spend your life with her, and BAM father.

There is the very real possibility that this man is drowning, overwhelmed, and on some level resents you and perhaps your beautiful child. Not that he doesn't love you guys, and might not want to leave you, but this is an incredible amount of change for some young men to deal with. It sounds like he lived a pretty carefree life just before all this happened, and now his life has taken the reverse. He went from a young extra on a movie set, to almost overnight a dad, fiance, and business man holding a second job. 

If he's detached from you because he, on any level, regrets the choices he made, his lack of affection and apprehension around sex makes sense. If he's trying to remain faithful, in the sense that he's not sleeping with other people, porn can become a replication of his former life. Different woman every night, wild, free sex, and an escape from domesticity. Addiction is about escape, and this man is escape on you every single day. 

You said that he became uninteresting in sex as soon as she started showing. There is the linchpin. That is very telling. It's not about fat, and weight (especially since you're back to you pre-pregnancy shape). Looks can't hold any person if they're steeped in deep discontentment and regret. 

I'd have that tough conversation with him, if you haven't already. Ask him with understanding, but frankly, if this is where he saw his life going, and if he's truly, truly happy and content with the direction it's taken. You know him well enough hopefully to sense if he's telling the truth, no matter what words come out his mouth.

Sorry to see you're dealing with this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OneHotMomma said:


> Afterward he said "I don't know why I am not doing this with you, it's SO much better than masturbating" what gives?


:scratchhead:


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## PTK (May 11, 2012)

The problem is clear to me, he is in his longest relationship he misses the thrill of the chase and he is struggling to adapt to settling down, He didn't find you attractive when you were pregnant because he see's you as a mum now and that is not attractive to him.

He is not ready to settle down in my opinion and you either see it out and hope he doesn't cheat or you make your move now, either way i think you are both at different stages in your life and it's just a shame that your child is involved because that makes it so much harder to walk away.

I have been married for five years and have a two year old daughter, i found my wife attractive all the way through pregnancy and actually sometimes more, After seven years i still can't look at her without getting aroused the problem is we have sex one a month if i'm lucky, she cleans, stresses and sits on her phone all nite and does anything to avoid intamacy, she rarely lets me see her get undressed and goes to bed most nights around 8.30, whenever i ask for sex she is tired, not in the mood, feels run down whatever excuse she can think of. I now stay with her only for our daughter as i resent her so much it can never be repaired.

I have not cheated yet but I am now looking and I will do when i meet someone.

Its a shame really but I have no intention of leaving my daughter so its my only option, don't let it go this far either confront it completely now until your happy or leave no matter how difficult and messy.

Sorry to put you on a downer and I hope things work out for you i feel for you your not alone x


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

I am not a guy, but have dealt with this with my husband. I have only a few things to say:
1) this issue is not about you or your desireability
2) your fiance has a problem with intimacy and uses porn as a way of escape and to create distance in the marriage, being a father, and all the COMMITMENT that you and the relationship represent
3) you guys need couples counseling
4) it's not about YOU...you seem to think it is, which speaks to your own insecurities, but it is not about how hot you are or how spicy you try to keep the sex.


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## NightTime (May 11, 2012)

OneHotMomma said:


> I know I want MEN to answer this and the reason I am directing this question to all the men is because as a woman I have many women friends that have already given their 2 cents and I really need advice; real advice! I have not had sex with my fiance in TWO MONTHS and he just admitted to me that he is looking at porn and is not interested in sex. Please read on.
> 
> Here's a lil background on me.. I am a former model/actress (I only did it as a hobby while I attended law school) therefore I have always kept myself in stellar shape and even after having my first child 6 months ago I am already back to UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight. I am educated, attractive and in love with my fiance. We met on a movie set (I was on the production team, he was an extra just hanging out on set to have a good time) We are both attractive individuals and he played the field for a long time before asking me to marry him. He was not looking for love and neither was I.. I was in a 7 year relationship when we met and had NO intentions of ending it although I was at my breaking point and ended up finding love with my now fiance and ending the other relationship. I gave up a lot to be with him and I don't regret that but it hurts me now because of what I am facing.
> 
> ...



It sounds to me like he has a problem associating sex and love. Check out the madonna-***** complex. Since this has happened after you became a mother and since he has such a varied past... there may be some early issues with rejection and unhealthy boundaries with his mother... I'm very serious. It sounds like he's afraid of intimacy in a way... this can be worked through I think if you want to, if you don't take it personally (because I don't think it is personal), and if you have the patience, AND if he has the courage and the will to face his fears here.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I agree with PTK and the others that it seems to me that he may just not be ready for commitment, despite how obviously awesome you are. (Seriously, you're below your birth weight? My wife already hates you).

However, I think there are some things you might try that could encourage him.

1) See if he's watching a particular kind of porn (anal sex, just as an example). If he's watching something that you haven't tried, you could talk about it and experiment a little.

2) Going along with #1, visit your local Victoria's Secret or neighborhood trashy lingerie shop, and let him buy whatever he wants for you to wear. Or go to the local adult toy store and find out what he's really into. I know that for the longest time I was afraid to tell my wife what I really wanted because I thought she would think that I was a freak. Turns out all I needed to do was ask her, because there were things she wanted to try but was afraid to ask me (but I don't think that's your problem).

3) This is the one I think will work best for you. If you have no problem with porn yourself, ask him if--when he's ready to watch--if you could watch with him and masturbate him or go down on him while he watches. I can't imagine any guy who wouldn't go for that. 

4) Also, if he he's able to climax easier by himself than with you, then ask him to teach you how to do it so that it's good for him.

Anyway, just a thought. But let us know what happens, because I for one would like to know how this turns out.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

This could be one (or more) problems but difficult to say what's at the root of it. Just some thoughts:

1. You go on a lot about your attractiveness. You want to make it clear to us that you are still attractive. Perhaps you have lost some confidence in your looks and that has made him less attracted to you. This likely has nothing to do with looks.

2. Porn, sex addiction, depression or something else has rewired his brain....his 'ultimate' fantasy involves hand and porn and his brain has evolved to this. Perhaps no different from people who get into different sex acts and good sex requires these acts, kinks, etc.

3. Your roles have changed suddenly. You are now parents and coworkers first rather than red hot lovers. with parenting comes a lot of hard decisions, issues to solve together and the same goes for the business. Most of your interactions now are about these unsexy things. Hard to shift gears to sex.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Ok, This may not apply to your situation but when my wife had kids it triggered something in me that made it difficult to view her as the sexual plaything that I did before kids. Once she became a mom she became sacrosanct in some way. Almost like "you can't look at her like that she is a mother now" 

For a while it took my desire away, I felt dirty even thinking of her that way as if she was wearing a halo or something. I was lucky enough to realize this was happening so I was able to work my way through it and get over it in time. 

I have no idea if this is the problem but it does happen to some men so maybe its an ave for you to explore.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I am a guy. I look at porn. Sometimes I have sex and use porn in the same day, sometimes more than once (sex or porn)..... BUT I WOULDN'T USE PORN in place of sex, I'm just high drive. Your story doesn't make sense unless he is addicted. Just seeing the pic in your avatar tells me you aren't lying about keeping yourself in great shape. So either he is addicted, has some mental issue about keeping up with you, or he is an idiot who is bored with a gorgeous woman who desperately wants him. 

If you get married with the way things are right now, you are setting yourself up for a long, sexless marriage. If he isn't having sex with you, and you guys aren't even married yet, consider that a RED FLAG of things to come.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

You look great, by the way! First of all, I agree with others that have said that this issue must be fixed before marriage. This will not be easy because of the addictive nature of the hormones released during porn sex and sex involving one night stands. it is different than the hormones released during sex that creates a partner bond. That is why it more difficult (not impossible) for a man or woman who has had multiple partners to settle down and bond with one person for life. This might (and I said might) explain why any guy who has a hot wife like you would prefer porn (I personally can't understand it really). Just read this site and see how many men would die to have a wife like you. 

In my case, I had sex with my girlfriend at 16 years old and she got pregnant. We will celebrate 40 years this summer. We are each others only sex partner. Our sex life is good, but she is certainly not like you in that she has "responsive desire" which means that she does not think about sex all that much. Once we get into it, she really gets into it (loud orgasms, etc.), but if I were like your guy, we would not be having much sex. I think she would go for a couple of weeks without it and say to herself, "Wow...it has been a couple of weeks..." I just don't let that happen.


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