# internet infidelity



## flower1 (Aug 11, 2013)

awhile back i caught my b/f then chatting with a girl on a porn site. I moved out, but eventually we worked threw it, or so i thought, and i went back. Soon after we got married. About a month after the wedding a gut feeling told me to check it out. So i come to find not only did he go back to "chatting" with the same girl from the site that it had actually been going on for about a year and half before i moved out last time. He had spent upwards of $20,000 on this girl in 2012 threw the website and chatted with her while he was at work and skyped with her who knows how many times. I saw a few of the chats from the website & skype & they were NOT innocent friend like chats. He was telling her he wanted to bring her home....sending her kisses....saying he by all rights met someone that should be "the" one but is only happy until he thinks of her. Now he is telling me the same crap he did last time to get me back and says he's sorry and will never do it again (just like last time) I have again moved out & been seeing a counselor but feel so lost & confused. How could he do this? I stayed for about 6 months after finding this out again & every time i tried to talk bout it his ans was "i can't change the past" "your making way more out of it then it was" "im not living like this, get over it or get out" So I got out. Now he is telling me i abandoned him, & i should move back to work this out. Problem with that is when i went back last time i made it *very,very* clear that if this happened again it would be the end of us. Now he is making me feel like a horrible person for not wanting or trying to work threw this. I really am hoping to find someone that is going threw sorta the same thing. really just need someone to talk to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He had one chance to change. That was one very generous chance that he gave you. Instead of doing what he needed to do and commit to your marriage he continued to cheat.

Have no doubt, this is cheating. And he's spending your marital asset at an alarming rate to pay for this online relationship. Those types of sites work men to get money out of them. She probably has 10 guys she's doing this with.

Why would you even consider giving him another chance? He's trying to twist your mind and play games with you to keep you around. And he'll keep her too.

Do you have anyone around you that you can talk to, like a family member or good friend. You really could use some support right now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you are still within the window for annulment, I would advise that you annul your marriage. He has proved that he can't be trusted, either with his vows to you or your marital finances. No matter what he says to try to get you back, you have to know that you are not his priority. He is spending huge amounts of time thinking about this other woman, as well as alarming amounts of money on her.

You will do yourself a favor if you take the painful step now of putting him behind you and freeing yourself to find someone who is trustworthy.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Bravo to you for moving out after that lame A$$ ultimatum! I much admire you for that!

Look up chump lady's website, I think you will find some strength there.

I would normaly advice you to try to reconciliation but, $20k then tells you you're reading too much into it, catched twice, no kids. Save your sanity! There are many more options, try to get an annulment if you can.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How do you spend $20K on someone through chatting? I'd be concerned about his financial common sense as well. That's over $1500 per month, just dumped in a toilet and flushed.

C


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Well as far as I can tell, Internet cheating is about the easiest form of cheating to do and to get away with AND, to hide. 

As far as spending money, well that's a whole separate issue. I have not heard of spending money on online affairs, only on porn sites and web-cam stuff. That's just stupid IMO.

You can't keep drawing a line in the sand not to cross and then backing up and drawing another line. You will soon fall off a cliff because you didn't look behind you. IF you are going to draw a line in the sand not to cross, it has to be ONE line, ONE time. If you can't stick to it, don't give the ultimatum. 

Let him go or "go dark" as they say. Don't look back. Check on him in three or four years if you think of it and chances are, you will be glad he is gone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> How do you spend $20K on someone through chatting? I'd be concerned about his financial common sense as well. That's over $1500 per month, just dumped in a toilet and flushed.
> 
> C


The woman he's been chatting with is on a porn site. Some of those charge for talk and other stuff. But sometimes, when men form what they think are relationships with the women, they women come up with sob stories and emergencies that require money. And the guys, being so caught up in the drama, send the money. I heard that this happens a lot.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, missed that. So a virtual hooker. Even dumber, thinking he could have a relationship with someone that charges by the minute.

C


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you are fortunate that you found out what he is now and not years into marriage, kids and a mortgage.

You are doing the right thing. Don't look back. He is not what you hoped his was. He is what you see now. A very unfortunate man who was sucked into an addiction to living life in a machine.

He has a serious mental illness. Just imagine being trapped in a relationship with this man for years even if you managed to divorce. 

How long was the relationship? Were there signs that he was hiding his true nature? Did you ignore red flags. 

I think your confusion is that he is talking out of three sides of his mouth. 1. He blames you, 2. He feels he has done nothing wrong but 3. He wants you to come back! 

You have to wonder why he wants you. Sounds sincere right? Says he loves you and you want to believe him. Don't listen to his words. Look at his actions, they speak to you. 

He seems to want hookers and is willing to expend a tremendous amount of resources on them. Have you gotten anything worth 20K from him? 

His motives for wanting you may have nothing to do with love. You are not enough for him or he would not need to have porn women along with you. You meet some of his needs but you cannot match what he gets from the machine.

You are doing well. Stop the contact with him. You will recover much faster. In 6 months, you will thank the stars for getting rid of him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My next oldest brother went through a D a few years back. He and she did not cheat but they had a rough M due to my brother's BP disease. Since the D my brother has been spending money on mail order brides. In 2011 he spent over $30,000 and when ever he went to the airport to pick up his new "bride" no one was there. And yes he would do it over and over again, only to get scammed. No amount of talking to him will ever change him. He denies doing it, then tells others what he is doing.

I had a guy in counseling in the early 90's, he got SS back payments amounting to just under $20,000. He spent it on prostitutes. Most of the time he was told to give the money upfront and meet the prostitute in a few hours. Guess what? He never got what he paid for. I remember one day kicking him out of the office. He complained to my boss, who then proceded to escort him to the door and kicked him out of the program.

Not sure what is going on in your H's mind but it will not bode well for you. A's are difficult enough to work through, but when there is this kind of money being spent it does point to a mental disorder. Perhaps, he gave her money for hardship reasons, but in either case this is not typical behavior and I would leave.


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