# Longer separation makes divorce easier?!



## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

My wife and I separated about 6 weeks ago. At the time I thought there was a reasonable chance we'd reconcile, but now after a bad couple's therapy session (and her subsequent refusal to try any more counseling) I'm thinking reconciliation is highly unlikely. 

So my question: if I'm certain I want a divorce, is it easier on her if I wait a while or not? She is an emotional wreck and cannot discuss our marriage without deteriorating into tears. I would imagine in (say) 4 more months she will be a lot more used to living alone and perhaps better able to handle my proposal that we file to dissolve the marriage.

Also, waiting a few more months gives me time to mull things over a bit more...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

timeforpain said:


> My wife and I separated about 6 weeks ago. At the time I thought there was a reasonable chance we'd reconcile, but now after a bad couple's therapy session (and her subsequent refusal to try any more counseling) I'm thinking reconciliation is highly unlikely.
> 
> So my question: if I'm certain I want a divorce, is it easier on her if I wait a while or not? She is an emotional wreck and cannot discuss our marriage without deteriorating into tears. I would imagine in (say) 4 more months she will be a lot more used to living alone and perhaps better able to handle my proposal that we file to dissolve the marriage.
> 
> Also, waiting a few more months gives me time to mull things over a bit more...


Why did the session go badly?


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Who wanted the divorce?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Will waiting make it easier for you?


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Why did the session go badly?


My wife just cried for 45 minutes, saying almost nothing, then walked out. I was calm and trying to be fair the whole time, but she is just too devastated by all of this to be able to handle confronting our problems in MC.

She later wrote me email saying she wouldn't do MC anymore.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

muriel12 said:


> Who wanted the divorce?


I do.

Seven years sleeping in separate bedrooms, many years of her too depressed to get out of bed or work or do anything but sit at the computer, raising two boys largely by myself, spending every weekend without a mom for my kids, etc. Then she cheated.

So I said "enough", insisted on separation (which has been very very hard on her), and now thinking it's hopeless. But destroying my wife serves no purpose at all, so I'm trying to do this "softly." (Which is probably not possible.)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

timeforpain said:


> I do.
> 
> Seven years sleeping in separate bedrooms, many years of her too depressed to get out of bed or work or do anything but sit at the computer, raising two boys largely by myself, spending every weekend without a mom for my kids, etc. Then she cheated.
> 
> So I said "enough", insisted on separation (which has been very very hard on her), and now thinking it's hopeless. But destroying my wife serves no purpose at all, so I'm trying to do this "softly." (Which is probably not possible.)


What was her childhood like?


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Will waiting make it easier for you?


Good question. I hadn't thought about that at all.

Probably sooner is easier for me just so I can move on with my life. But it's not such a big advantage that it would motivate my decision here. I am strongly motivated by the desire to not see my wife hospitalized for stress, depression and psychosis (again). Part of that is selfish, part is genuine caring about her well-being.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What was her childhood like?


Lol, are you ELIZA? 

Although your question may be well-intended, I don't think it's material here.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

timeforpain said:


> Lol, are you ELIZA?
> 
> Although your question may be well-intended, I don't think it's material here.


That's cool. I'll leave you alone.

Good luck.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

timeforpain said:


> But destroying my wife serves no purpose at all, so I'm trying to do this "softly." (Which is probably not possible.)


You're not intentionally destroying her, at worst she'll take a big hit from the divorce but it won't get easier by waiting.

She forced your hand by dropping the counseling.

Rip off the BandAid.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It probably won't make it easier on her. She has mental issues regardless of whether you are separated or divorced. Is she under a doctor or therapist's care?


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

827Aug said:


> It probably won't make it easier on her. She has mental issues regardless of whether you are separated or divorced. Is she under a doctor or therapist's care?


I don't know. She's not talking to me at all, so I'm not sure what's going on with her. I've talked to her parents a few times, but they aren't the type to ask such questions.


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