# Facebook chatting till the early hours - did i overreact?



## schmoopie (Apr 10, 2012)

My husband has been facebook chatting with a female work colleague 10 years younger than him. They seem to chat all day at work and then as my husband works on his computer at home late into the night - they chat together until 2am. She was a contractor at his work and was only working with him for 3 weeks. This facebook chatting has been going on for at least 2 months. He says they are only friends but i caught a glimpse of a message chat while my 4 year old son played on his iphone - when i went back later to read it - it had been deleted. what i did see was that he told her she was pretty and wished he'd known her 10 years earlier as they would have had so much fun. i have been turning a blind eye to the chatting up until last week when he wanted to take her fishing. i told him i wasn't comfortable with that and freaked out. he called me jealous - that i was trying to stop him having friends etc. i have a 5 week old baby and feel quite neglected. i am quite upset that he is choosing to chat with her while i am up with the baby all night. my hormones are crazy and i have no idea if im overreacting or not. since our fight my husband has become more understanding and ive asked him if they can do their chatting during work hours and if she could not contact him on weekends and at nights while he is with family. it seems she is always popping up to chat and stealing his attention away from us. my husband thought it was a reasonable request and told his "friend" the new rules. she wasn't too impressed and suggested that when she found a full time job that it wouldn't work for her. he told me he is sad now because things between them are awkward. i feel like she is trying to manipulate him and if she was a good friend then she would be ok with it. i also don't understand how they became so close in just 2 months. he told me he loves me that there is nothing going on but i feel like this woman is quite needy and enjoys his attention. he is obviously encouraging her crush to feed his ego. i trust my husband but i feel like he is also craving her emotional neediness. i just cant be charming and friendly and pretty all the time right now and i'm hurt that he is seeking emotional fulfilment elsewhere. im so confused, sleep deprived and feeling sick. what is going on and what should i do?


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## akshay (Sep 4, 2009)

does he like to spend time with the kid? if so, problem will be automatically taken care of when he is more involved with the kid and hence with you as well. you should also go out sometimes with your friends handing the baby care to him for a few hours.


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## schmoopie (Apr 10, 2012)

he gets quite stressed out with our kids - all the crying etc. sometimes he enjoys their company though... you're right though i do need to get out with friends more. being stuck at home has been suffocating. great advice thanks.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Of course you're not over reacting. He's spending time away from his family online chatting with another woman.

He should be cutting her off and focusing on you. You don't need to feel confused, sleep deprived and sick. Seriously. There are boundaries in a marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Definitely not overreacting.

You should ask him how he'd feel if the roles were reversed and you were up til 2 AM chatting up a guy from your work!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You are not over reacting, in fact you're not reacting strongly enough. I'll just give you the very condensed version of my story. I'm happily married for 13 years, brand new two week old daughter and I'm sitting at home one night and get a friend request from an old high school girlfriend I hadn't thought of in 20 years. 10 days later - 10 DAYS!!! - we were exchanging I love you's, sexting, having phone sex and Facebook chatting till 1 or 2 am routinely. It was a five alarm emotional affair and it sounds like what your H is involved in. 

This is bad. Affairs are like drugs and they are just as hard to break as an addiction. Move over to the Coping with Infidelity section and do some reading on what to do. Don't delay, every single day he will get deeper in and it will be that much harder to overcome. 

I hope I'm wrong but I wouldn't bet that way.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Your husband is at the very least engaged in what we call an EA (emotional affair), with the trip it sounds as if he is trying to get it to a PA (physical affair)

I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature and repost in the CWI section as people there have gone thru similar situations and can help you best.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

His AP is fishing for more than just goin' fishin', too. She's after your husband. What are you going to do to stop it?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You did not overreact. But he is having an emotional affair.

Nip this quickly.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Show of hands from the guys. Who puts this kind of energy into a friendship with a woman who's pants you DON'T want to remove? Anyone? There in the back? Oh, just stretching. Nobody?

Well, there's your answer.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

no he is having an emotional affair or planning on cheating this is not right at all. You did not overreact at all

women come file for divorce all the time and its always the same reason i hear it time and time again "husband is cheating" 

dont let it get to far and dont let it go on and let him hurt you for year's. Just leave seriously 

I wish you best of luck


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You are not overreacting. Your husband is having an emotional affair.

Read the newbie threads here to get an idea of how to handle it. 

Bottom line, he is trying to have a marriage with three people in it. That won't work. The other woman needs to go, permanently.

Sorry to tell you you are now in a club nobody wants to be a member of.


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## schmoopie (Apr 10, 2012)

thanks for your posts. you are all so right! and when you delete texts, msgs, posts etc - i can't think of any reason other than trying to hide the content.
MRK - love your reply - it really made me laugh - a bit of humour is what i need and your are so right - he's putting in a hell of a lot of effort for a "friendship".
thanks everyone i can move forward now knowing that i really do have grounds to be angry! 
:smthumbup:


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Listen to this. Listen to this, please. Sigma's first comment was my EXACT first thought. You are not reacting strongly enough.
> 
> Your husband's behavior has crossed WAY over the line. * Any married man who wants to take another woman anywhere without his wife is up to no good. And the only reason a spouse deletes anything...texts, phone messages, whatever, is because there is something inappropriate going on.*
> 
> I hope he's not having an EA but it sure sounds like it.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

He's totally having an emotional affair. If you do not draw a line now and demand that he stop talking to her, it will escalate. I behaved the way you are behaving now, when I was in your shoes (b/c stbxh sayd I was just being jealous). I found myself wanting to beat the other woman with my shoes when I discovered all my stbxh's lies (calling me jealous was a way to throw me off the scent & it got worse). Good glory, do I wish I'd found my way to the CWI section of TAM back then; you should post there. Be angry! You are under-reacting! They are counting on that to continue the affair. Time to gather some evidence to see if he is having some kind of a sexual relationship (or sexychat) with her, too. Start investigating. Keylogger, VAR, check phone and text records. And, on top of that, tell him that if he doesn't kick her out of his life, you'll kick him out of yours. Don't waste time. Gather evidence.

Oh, how I hate facebook, sometimes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

schmoopie,

He's having at least an EA if not a PA (physcial affair). 

You might want to put a keylogger on the computer so you can see exactly what is going on between the two of them.

You have very right to ask him to end all contact with her, for him to give you the passwords to all of his online accounts.... or move out.

YOu have a new baby and other children? He needs to be helping you when he's not at work. And when he's at work he needs to not be playing around with other women.

Does he have a nice big portrait of you, him and the children for his office desk? If not it's time for you to visit him in his office with the children and give 'daddy' a picture of him with his family for his desk. He needs a reminder of where his focus should be.

He gets all upset with crying kids... time for him to grow up and be a father.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> You are not over reacting, in fact you're not reacting strongly enough. I'll just give you the very condensed version of my story. I'm happily married for 13 years, brand new two week old daughter and I'm sitting at home one night and get a friend request from an old high school girlfriend I hadn't thought of in 20 years. 10 days later - 10 DAYS!!! - we were exchanging I love you's, sexting, having phone sex and Facebook chatting till 1 or 2 am routinely. It was a five alarm emotional affair and it sounds like what your H is involved in.
> 
> This is bad. Affairs are like drugs and they are just as hard to break as an addiction. Move over to the Coping with Infidelity section and do some reading on what to do. Don't delay, every single day he will get deeper in and it will be that much harder to overcome.
> 
> I hope I'm wrong but I wouldn't bet that way.


Listen to Sigma, same here but my wife did it to me in the same fashion. It all started with facebook chat and an EA followed. We are still having issues 2+ years later.
You need to get to the bottom of this and quick.. nip it in the bud or you will be headed to divorce.


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

Your husband is at the verge of having an EA, if he's not already in it.You should not suggest a shift in the chatting time rather it should be stopped.You must begin to make yourself available without using your 5 months old baby as an excuse if you must win this war. You also need to work more on your personality,I mean your ''attractiveness'' Always remember to constantly re-enact those scenarios that made your relationship last this far.Lastly, you should learn how to firmly express your feelings to your partner without sounding or being violent and yet without self pity.


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