# I backtracked..so weak



## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

This last week has been the worse! Monday started off great i was feeling in good spirits. So quick recap

My Husband asked for a separation 31 days ago,I agreed. After 8 years of marriage and 12 years of being together. I was hurt and devastated but i accepted that i thought he just needed time. 9 of those years he faced a very heavy alcohol addiction in which i stood by his side.

20 days ago I find out he doesnt want to be separated he wants a divorce. I was not ok with this and like a fool i begged and pleaded and cried the whole 9 yards.

18 days ago I find out he has been involved in a 2 year long affair with a woman from his job.

a year and 3 months ago I caught him texting her and i confronted him. He said he would stop talking to her we would go to counseling and we would rebuild... all lies now I know this now because he admitted he never stopped talking to her and if anything their connection was only deeper.

So here I am today feeling like crap.. i cant even think straight.. i call him.. I guess it goes to voice mail, I think i hang up but i guess i didn't and it ended up leaving a message of me crying and talking to myself "why am i calling him why am i so stupid" ugh so I start texting him and being ridiculous.. and he just responds... Ok..Ok thats all he ever says to me via text. 

I can't believe i did that I cant understand why I keep back tracking, I started off strong. How in the world do I do this?

I was trying the 180 but i keep responding to his messages, we have kids together so sometimes we have to be together so I talk to him. I just keep f'ing this up.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Don't see it like that, yes you backtracked on the 180 but you are struggling/grieving and you have to allow yourself to do that. I know it's not ideal but each time this happens you WILL gain a little more strength & each time you'll hold out that bit longer before caving until eventually you can easily ignore his calls/texts until YOUR ready to reply if needed.

You have to look at what is best for you, also look at whether breaking down to him is helping or worsening things for YOU? This is about you now and not him, he isn't important anymore and your well-being is what needs to take priority, I think when you realise that fully (and you will in your own time) that is when you will begin to feel stronger & more determine.

(All very easy for me to say I know!)

Big hugs, keep your chin up x


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

You are not stupid you are human just like the rest of us. Next time you have the urge to call or text him, call a friend instead or PM one of us. We are here for you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No body that I know of does the 180 successfully on the first try. It's hard, hang in there.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Start it over, it happens. You aren't the problem. F up is.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

LOL really I understand what it feels like to be crazy! this makes your mind go in a million directions. Im starting over today. Im gonna do my best to make it a good one. Going to take my step son out for lunch today.

one good thing though... i didnt dream about him last night sooooo Im in the right direction.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Definitely progress!!! Well done you!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Don't be so hard on yourself, you did what you thought was right at the time. Trust me I messed up so much more than you think you have. I let my stbxh string me along for months while he was still living with the ow and seeing me at the same time. Worst part is that I knew but he kept giving me all this rubbish that he was going to end it with her and come back to me. 

So now that you have seen what has happened you know not to let him play around with you like that again. Sometimes you need something like that to happen as it pushes you to be stronger for yourself. And as others have said if you feel the urge to call or text your H come and post all about it on TAM it really makes a difference!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> This last week has been the worse! Monday started off great i was feeling in good spirits. So quick recap
> 
> My Husband asked for a separation 31 days ago,I agreed. After 8 years of marriage and 12 years of being together. I was hurt and devastated but i accepted that i thought he just needed time. 9 of those years he faced a very heavy alcohol addiction in which i stood by his side.
> 
> ...


You not fu..... Up, you're just hurt. Most of us feel the same way and do the same thing. I know I did today. Don't be so hard on yourself, we're all here to help the best way we can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Ok, you know it. So just backtrack on backtracking. No big deal. Start anew tomorrow!


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Welp, since my back track fiasco. I picked myself up and started all over again. Did a much better job.

Even though the Monster still acts like he has 2 personalities. When we are in person he is normal and acts like we are bff but when on the phone or texting he got a stank little attitude.

But the more he aggrivates me the easier it is for me to deal with him.
It toughens my resolve.

So no incidences since last week and that's good. He contacts me and asks assanine questions... like "whos my medical insurance again" Im like dude dont you know this? like ask your girlfriend... she should be keeping up with you not me... I didnt say that but i surely thought it.

Then he comes over to swap the tags on our cars because he xfered over the titles. I asked him about why he acts like two different people sometimes.. then he goes onto a a speech about how he will have to make amends for what he did and blah blah blah... i just looked at him like.. yeah ok.. I wont hold my breath on that! I tell him that anytime i mention or anyone mentions your girlfriend you get all defensive. I mean you should be proud of her and what not. ANyhoO the conversation went well, he spent time with his son and kept it just to that alone.

So for the most part I still need to work on limited communication with him. But now.. I feel stronger though, Like im doing something right so Im glad about that.

The fact that his new girlfriend looks like a horse... and his oldest son is confused at why his father would want to be with a woman that looks like a horse.. ((I feel bad about how this affects our oldest)) but I'm just like.. Looks arent all that important but they kind of are.. but neither here nor there. I can loose the weight.. but she can't get UN-ugly.. i know thats mean.. but I could care less about that woman! She sure didnt care when my husband was telling her that he was trying to work things out with his wife and have a baby with her... soooo thats that, Im feeling pretty ok today!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

We all have days of backtracking and you cant beat yourself up about it. Just learn from your experiences and don’t repeat the same mistakes. Avoid as much contact as you can with him, he is manipulating you with the Jeckyl and Hyde personalities for its much easier to be “mean” via text or phone. 

When he ask little questions about insurance, daily life stuff just don’t respond. Don’t take the bait or just tell him to have his lawyer contact yours and deal with him thru the lawyers. Till his mindset changes he will just keep playing the game. You almost need to take the mentality that he is irrelevant now, the waywards hate that by the way. You are still so very early in this chaos in your life your emotions just don’t change in a day and it will be the hardest thing but you can do it. You will get to the point where you will realize he is not the prize, YOU are.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Becuase this Monster is a ruiner of all things.. Im not really having a bad day or anything. Im feeling a bit stronger. Im just actually annoyed more than anything. He is so flaky and wishy washy. Over the past couple of weeks on an off i'll get some strength to tell him how i feel but lately the urge to tell him anything becomes less and less. I did cry last night though... more because i was just frustrated and tired and I missed him... or i missed what i thought he was. I remind myself its irrealavant at this point. The sadness is overwhelming sometimes and I don't know what to do. I pulled myself together, been keeping active and writing. Found so music i can actually listen to without wanting to die of depression so thats good. Im just rambling right now to keep my mind occupied I started feeling bored.. and boredom is the devils play ground. So as long as I am focused.

*sigh* I remind myself my Husband is an idiot.. he's a Judas.. and Brutus... a master manipulator and he hasnt changed that.

He told me that what attracted him to me was we shared a painful upbringing so we related on that level and he said that since getting sober that he wants to separate his future from his past and we got together under negative circumstances.... I laughed in his face.. and said to him..."so lying and cheating on your wife and deceiving her and telling me you want to have another kid meanwhile you are screwing some other chic and promising her a future together while telling me our future looks bright, you dont think thats under negative dark pretenses" he looked at me stupid..

I just shake my head becuase its all very dumb to me.. lol it makes no sense. Like how assanine is that!!? oh well Just updating and ranting and raving always good for a friday night!


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't feel bad. I got an I'm sorry email from my stbxw and I met up with her to have supper to hear her out. She fessed up that she lied....again....and also informed me that she stole my half of the tax return because she "needed it more than you do."

I bought her manipulation hook, line, and sinker. 

Check please and I left the restaurant.

It happens but as hard as it is, they aren't who we thought they were, and they never will be. Don't beat yourself up over it.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Having another one of those days. Thought I would take my son and get out of town for a few days. I'm crying on and off, my anxiety is high and I can't seem to control it right now. I'm so hurt this pain cuts so deep it feels like I'm drowning and nothing eases the pain. 
I know this isn't new and my case isn't special but I just get so down.

My husband is such an ahole for doing this for destroying our home. Everything we had is no more.. and he is with the ow a ready made.family like.We don't exsist. I hate these days when I feel so low out seems to take a million years to build myself up only to have another day like this full of regret and despair. Every night is a nightmare. I feel tortured...I'm so tired

I know this is just a bad day and there will be better days.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Wish I could offer better words of wisdom.

Our hearts are broken and it will take more than our intellect to put them back together.

Like you, the sheer madness of the other seems impossible to deal with. But, we will. We have to for our kids and ourselves.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Trying to get through this day by day. I hate that it consumes my thoughts just thinking about my life. It seems like it will nevet get better. Im on the verge of tears everyday. It's almost been 2 months since he left . I'm still n going to counseling.... I love my husband andeven though he is the one who betrayed me I still feel guilty. The negative thoughts are so easy to creep into My mind and I'm waiting for my husband to get b what he deserves but he is b add happy b as a clam. And bib deal b with the pain. I get no closure, no peace. No n explanation just chaos. It's crazy how this just seems to be b so permanent so solud that I will suffer for his mistakes.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm past 4 months... it will get easier but I've backslid recently.

The more I can stay away from her, any talk of her, being places we were together, the better off I am.

Kids are tough too, brings you together, stories, problems, etc.

Keep going, you aren't alone.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Brystensmom said:


> Trying to get through this day by day. I hate that it consumes my thoughts just thinking about my life. It seems like it will nevet get better. Im on the verge of tears everyday. It's almost been 2 months since he left . I'm still n going to counseling.... I love my husband andeven though he is the one who betrayed me I still feel guilty. The negative thoughts are so easy to creep into My mind and I'm waiting for my husband to get b what he deserves but he is b add happy b as a clam. And bib deal b with the pain. I get no closure, no peace. No n explanation just chaos. It's crazy how this just seems to be b so permanent so solud that I will suffer for his mistakes.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


It gets better but it takes time. Try to focus on you. Stop thinking about him. Give him what he wants and then let go. Be happy and live your life.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

It feels like I'm trapped in my own head. I know this will pass eventually I just want to get to that point. This feeling is horrible and it sucks so many good people like you guys here have to go through this.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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