# In Afghanistan- wife of 17yrs wants a divorce



## BrokenHeart422 (Nov 9, 2011)

I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan. I've been married for 17yrs...just the last few yrs have been rocky due to finances and seperations. She just announced that she wants a divorce. She said that she loves me...but is no longer "in love"with me, she isn't having an affair, but she wants to go...We have two children. I adore and worship her. I've supported her through graduate school & various business ventures. I've made mistakes ...been critical and said things that I regret when we argued. I want to attend couples counceling- but she says no. I'll be home soon...Completely crushed. Can't imagine life without her. How do I move forward? I can't eat,sleep, concentrate...just want to curl up in a ball. My faith is destroyed & it seems that all of her vows and promises were lies. I can't help thinking that if she stayed with me...the storm would break & things would improve. What do I do? I want her back so badly. How do I convice her to reconcile?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

People, like animals, runaway from that which pursues them, so stop pursuing your wife. If she wants a divorce, show her emotional strength and answer her 'ok' even if you have to fake it. Learn to accept the finality of things by letting her go and you might get her to pause and think.


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## BrokenHeart422 (Nov 9, 2011)

Thanks, I'll try the 180 degree rules...I also saw a book- Stop Your Divorce,Homer Mcdonald.... Will these rules really work. I read that 97% of failed marriages were salvagable? I'll do anything to get her back- I don't want my children to be hurt...Do I simply agree to everything without any resistance?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you have a better change at changing this if you stop worshiping her. Do the 180...and yea, "Stop your Divorce" was insightful.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please read the following (especially points 1 and 3):



marduk said:


> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
> 
> ...


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## BrokenHeart422 (Nov 9, 2011)

morituri said:


> People, like animals, runaway from that which pursues them, so stop pursuing your wife. If she wants a divorce, show her emotional strength and answer her 'ok' even if you have to fake it. Learn to accept the finality of things by letting her go and you might get her to pause and think.


A few days ago she contacted me to let me know that she spoke with a lawyer about the Divorce. I told her that she is right, I'll sign whatever she wants, we can talk about the paperwork and finances upon my return & explain everything to the kids after NewYears. I told her that it is probably a good decision. I mentioned my appts with counselors upon my return, and that I believe that God gave me this burden to force me to make changes in my life. She cried & we ended the conversation. Shortly after, she sent an email saying "You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while. Another recent email ( I didn't reply) was all biz about car repairs- no emotion at all. What does this mean...Do you think that she is having 2nd thoughts, or is she happy that I'm not fighting anymore? Any opinions? I feel little better...but still the loss & pain is crushing. Haven't called her- just the kids- giving her space. Thanks- any advice is appreciated!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

No, that is not 2nd thoughts on her part.

There needs to be a lot more from her end before you should even consider she's having second thoughts.

Stay safe.


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## BrokenHeart422 (Nov 9, 2011)

I really want my wife to feel more validated and respected....but I don't want to appear to pursue her. I don't want to chase her away or make her uncomfortable. Any suggestions? 

I keep re-reading the email from my wife..."You sound much healthier emotionally and mentally and it makes me happier than you could ever know" She ended the email with Love... which is something I haven't seen in a while.Yup, I'm over analying it...just hanging on to hope.

Our emails since then have been pretty friendly,brief- mostly business (cars,kids,house)...no "Love" or "R" talk. She hasn't brought up the Divorce or Lawyer topic, although I'm sure she hasn't changed her mind...especially since her IC seems pro-divorce. 

I'll call Thursday & wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I should be home from Afghanistan in a couple of weeks. Sounds like my W is planning a small party when I return. The gesture is very sweet. Nobody knows that we are having M problems, so hopefully being around other couples etc doesn't make her feel strange... Could this be an "olive branch"... Again, wishful thinking/ Hoping. 
I'll continue with my self-improvement plans. Lonely & sad being away from them for T-giving...at least I should be home for Christmas. 
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone & I wish everyone peace and happiness.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to consider asking her how soon the divorce can be finalized and then ending contact to leave her wondering why you are so eager to have the divorce finalized. If she contacts to ask you about what's the rush, you can tell her that you want to start your new life as soon as possible. Press the divorce as much as possible in your interactions. Turn the tables on her by being the one who dumps her and not the other way around.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

I've read all about the 180. I think it helps in many instances. However, I personally would want a man to fight for me. It seems like the 180 might be getting the results you need right now, but just for reference, no 2 people are alike and the 180 is not scientifically proven to work everytime. Sometimes people want you to fight for them. I would. If they behaved 180 with me, and i'm just telling you this from a different perspective, I would probably feel the person didn't give a sh*t to begin with. That's just me. But like I said, she seems to be responding to it, so go with it.


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## BrokenHeart422 (Nov 9, 2011)

Thanks FCF & morituri,
Initially, before I learned about 180... I did all of the wrong things, beg,plead,reason etc. 
Part of my 180 is to show more often to my W that I validate & respect her, and for me to be more optimistic/less angry/ more outgoing.
How could I fight for her without being confrontational? She knows that I love her and would crawl through fire for her & my children. The only person I can control is Me.... If she wants a divorce when I return, I can't stop it....fighting & delays would cause animosity....So I think that "going with the flow...getting a life, show her that I CAN move on, might give her second thoughts walking away from her beautiful family. Thanks again everyone! I really appreciate the advice.... Anyone else have an opinion? Thx


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

That's why I said it seems to be working for you in this instance, I was just giving you a perspective that you might have not explored. Obviously you have.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

BH422 Thank you for your service! I hope this all works out for you. This is so tough on those of us who want the marriage to work. 

Our battles in life are many, but none more important than our fight for the marriage, even if we have to sacrifice.

God speed!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

BrokenHeart422, I have some material which may help you. PM me if you are interested.


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