# Don't know what to do



## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

My bf and I have been together for 6+ years. I cheated on him and I told him. We were able to get through the tears and get past it. I did my best to make sure he felt loved and that he is how I wanted to be with. We then had a baby about 2 years later. Our son will be 2 in Jan. He has a daughter from a previous relationship as do I. But for the past few weeks he has been disappearing and lieing about where he is and who he is with. He has been telling me he needs space but with faith we will get through this. He tells his mom one thing and then acts completely opposite with me telling me we are going to be ok and that he loves me. I went through his phone and found a message he sent to a girl a poem about love and finally finding her. I confronted him about it and he says he is lost. He has always had a problem with communication and doesn't want to speak or say much about the situation. I did mention to him that if he asked for forgiveness it can all be forgiven since I did cheat on him and he forgave me. Now he is on a business trip and he says this is a time for him to really think and find himself and to see what he wants. I'm so lost because he still tells me I'm am his forever. I asked him to call the girl to end it B4 his trip to prove to me he was serious about fixing us and he didn't. So now I'm just here like a sitting duck. Wondering if he will come back after his trip saying it's over, let's make it work or try to live a double life which I won't stick around for. Please share your thoughts. There's so much more to this but it would become a novel. Thx


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Honestly, I would dump this guy and figure out myself. You've made some poor choices in life. I wonder if you should spend some time figuring that out. What led you to have a kid with a guy you weren't married to after coming to the relationship with an existing child? 
You asked him to pick you and he did not. Move on. Get into counseling. Figure out how to do your kids right and be a good role model for them.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

notsure2017 said:


> I'm so lost because he still tells me I'm am his forever.


"Forever's" don't go on trips to bang other women. Your man is checked out and giving him a hall pass isn't going to fix it.

Despite the fact that you cheated which is repugnant of you, it doesn't mean you should be willing to accept an open relationship.

He choose to take you back (big mistake, he should of dumped you) so now he owns this affair 100%. You have nothing to lose.

Dump him, it's the only option you have at this point. Maybe he will see the light and come back. Or he will leave you regardless.

Either way you will not accept him having "another woman". So that's what you need to "woman up" and do. Good Luck.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Do you think he still feels regret from when you cheated on him? Does he say who he is with when you said he wasn't where and who he was suppose to be with? It would be best if you want to make it work to be counselling ASAP. Don't worry about a novel...Type it out we are here to help.



notsure2017 said:


> My bf and I have been together for 6+ years. I cheated on him and I told him. We were able to get through the tears and get past it. I did my best to make sure he felt loved and that he is how I wanted to be with. We then had a baby about 2 years later. Our son will be 2 in Jan. He has a daughter from a previous relationship as do I. But for the past few weeks he has been disappearing and lieing about where he is and who he is with. He has been telling me he needs space but with faith we will get through this. He tells his mom one thing and then acts completely opposite with me telling me we are going to be ok and that he loves me. I went through his phone and found a message he sent to a girl a poem about love and finally finding her. I confronted him about it and he says he is lost. He has always had a problem with communication and doesn't want to speak or say much about the situation. I did mention to him that if he asked for forgiveness it can all be forgiven since I did cheat on him and he forgave me. Now he is on a business trip and he says this is a time for him to really think and find himself and to see what he wants. I'm so lost because he still tells me I'm am his forever. I asked him to call the girl to end it B4 his trip to prove to me he was serious about fixing us and he didn't. So now I'm just here like a sitting duck. Wondering if he will come back after his trip saying it's over, let's make it work or try to live a double life which I won't stick around for. Please share your thoughts. There's so much more to this but it would become a novel. Thx


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

I did ask him about the nights he disappeared if he was with her. He said some nights he was. See the thing is that he is constantly telling me he still loves me and we will be ok. So I'm hopeful to think maybe this space we gave now due to his trip will help. It's really affecting our kids especially my daughter. She's always asking if Daddy is coming home tonight. I know what I have to do if he doesn't come around to try to make things right again. I'm a mother and I know what important. I just hate the fact that he is prolonging this.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

You're both cheating on each other, you shouldn't be having kids in this situation, but it is what it is, hopefully you guys can co-parent effectively. People in marriages with kids should rarely reconcile after an affair, but just dating without children? You should never reconcile, forgive sure, but stay in the relationship? No way.

Try to stop cheating on your partners, stop having children with men you've cheated on, stop having children outside a marriage or truly committed healthy relationship. It doesn't sound like your BF ever got over the cheating or was ever really back in the relationship. I'm not sure why he chose to have a kid, seems like a bad decision.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

notsure2017 said:


> I did ask him about the nights he disappeared if he was with her. He said some nights he was. See the thing is that he is constantly telling me he still loves me and we will be ok. So I'm hopeful to think maybe this space we gave now due to his trip will help. It's really affecting our kids especially my daughter. She's always asking if Daddy is coming home tonight. I know what I have to do if he doesn't come around to try to make things right again. I'm a mother and I know what important. I just hate the fact that he is prolonging this.


You have a say in "if you will be ok." He doesn't get to decide all this. He is on this trip so he can have his little side piece and you're allowing it.

You can decide how long this goes on. Why is it on him to prolong it? Tell him he has 30 seconds to decide - you or the OW .


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> It doesn't sound like your BF ever got over the cheating or was ever really back in the relationship.


This. At the time they are will say or do ANYTHING to make it "like it was".

Then the resentment SLOWLY starts to build. They have an epiphany, it will never be "like it was".

Because his wife let some guy bang her and emasculate him. It's not fair, he thinks. How could she?

The anger starts to kick in, "if she got to have her fun then so will I!" and now he on the prowl.

It's over OP. You lit the match and it just took six years for the bomb to go off.

He owns the affair and it was his responsibility to let go of the resentment. 

Unfortunately, you now pay the price for that. You both failed each other.


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

*The trip is a business trip I have confirmed it. I am giving him this time to really*



katies said:


> notsure2017 said:
> 
> 
> > I did ask him about the nights he disappeared if he was with her. He said some nights he was. See the thing is that he is constantly telling me he still loves me and we will be ok. So I'm hopeful to think maybe this space we gave now due to his trip will help. It's really affecting our kids especially my daughter. She's always asking if Daddy is coming home tonight. I know what I have to do if he doesn't come around to try to make things right again. I'm a mother and I know what important. I just hate the fact that he is prolonging this.
> ...


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

The trip is a business trip I have confirmed it. I am giving him this time to really reflect. I do feel as if I destroyed him but as a woman and mother I only feel as if he really needs to really think about things I have no choice but to let him. I did make it clear to him that 2 wrongs don't make a right and being revengeful will make things worse.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

notsure2017 said:


> The trip is a business trip I have confirmed it. I am giving him this time to really reflect. I do feel as if I destroyed him but as a woman and mother I only feel as if he really needs to really think about things I have no choice but to let him. *I did make it clear to him that 2 wrongs don't make a right and being revengeful will make things worse.*


Doesn't really matter, my wife cheated on me many years ago but I still feel like I owe her one and she knows it even if I've never said anything, it's why she freaks out all the time if I do anything without her. It's why reconciling after cheating is usually a bad idea, it's never forgotten, and the betrayed never really moves past it, not fully, and trust is never the same. The person already told you all you need to know when they let another man penetrate them, or he penetrated another woman. Clean break, move on and treat the next person better.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I hope this isnt' too personal and you can PM if you don't want to put it out there. But how is the sex life? Do you guys talk about fetishes or anything? Maybe there is something that you do not do or that he hasn't told you that he is looking for something else.



notsure2017 said:


> The trip is a business trip I have confirmed it. I am giving him this time to really reflect. I do feel as if I destroyed him but as a woman and mother I only feel as if he really needs to really think about things I have no choice but to let him. I did make it clear to him that 2 wrongs don't make a right and being revengeful will make things worse.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I'm sorry but what's goes around, comes around


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

At this point I'm an open book. People in my life tell me so many different things which is so confusing. But to my knowledge our chemistry is still there. He himself told me yesterday it's like gold.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@notsure2017....not that this is acceptable but your H is probably telling you everything you want to hear to be able to keep you thinking everything is still good between you.

He wants a plan B just in case this new side kick doesn’t work out for him.

You have to decide if you are willing to take him back and truly reconcile for good...anything less will be confusing and traumatic for your children.

Make that decision with your head, not your heart.
Your heart will dictate that you give him a second chance because he did that for you......don’t let your heart rule head....make a decision that you can live with knowing you will have to do as much heavy lifting as he will to get your relationship back on track.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

notsure2017 said:


> At this point I'm an open book. People in my life tell me so many different things which is so confusing. But to my knowledge our chemistry is still there. He himself told me yesterday it's like gold.


Chemistry, love all that is not enough. It takes character to have a good relationship. Unfortunately you both seem to be having issues with this. The best you can do is move on an work on yours. Honestly without it every relationship you have will be doomed to fail.


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

Thank you for your advice this makes me see things in a better light


cma62 said:


> @notsure2017....not that this is acceptable but your H is probably telling you everything you want to hear to be able to keep you thinking everything is still good between you.
> 
> He wants a plan B just in case this new side kick doesn?t work out for him.
> 
> ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you have any contact with the father of your daughter? I apologize if I misunderstood anything you posted, but am I correct that your current bf is not the father of your daughter?

An ancient saying goes, "talk is cheap." Indeed it is. Don't rely on what your bf is telling you. Look at his actions. 

P.S. - Why aren't the two of you married?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Notsure,

You wrote, *I did mention to him that if he asked for forgiveness it can all be forgiven since I did cheat on him and he forgave me.*

It seems he did not really forgive you, but swallowed his pain and tried to rugsweep it. 

What did you do to give him just compensation after your affair? 

Did you cut off all contact with the OM or are you still friends with friends of the OM, or does he live nearby?

Have you gotten people who supported, encouraged or knew about the affair out of your life?

Were you completely honest about the details of the affair, supporting that did you offer to take a polygraph or suggest to DNA your child?

Was the OM exposed to his W or GF and more broadly to eveyone who matters in the OMs life?

Tamat


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

No he is not her biological father.
He has been in her life since she's been 4. She is 9 now. My stepdaughter is 10. I've been in her life since she was 4 as well.


Prodigal said:


> Do you have any contact with the father of your daughter? I apologize if I misunderstood anything you posted, but am I correct that your current bf is not the father of your daughter?
> 
> An ancient saying goes, "talk is cheap." Indeed it is. Don't rely on what your bf is telling you. Look at his actions.
> 
> P.S. - Why aren't the two of you married?


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## notsure2017 (Nov 4, 2017)

So many questions but I don't mind answering them. I told him about my affair months after it happened. I felt so horrible about it.
I couldn't keep it a secret. Our son was born 1 year later. We followed faith after telling him. I even called the guy in front of him and told him never to contact me again so on and so forth


TAMAT said:


> Notsure,
> 
> You wrote, *I did mention to him that if he asked for forgiveness it can all be forgiven since I did cheat on him and he forgave me.*
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Who was this guy that you cheated on him with? Tell the whole story. Has he had IC have you? Why do you think you cheated? 

I know you are looking for answers from us but you can't make the man love you or be faithful. Some things in life can't be fixed. Maybe that is your relationship, or maybe he was a always a candidate to cheat. Like we have all been telling you on this thread, you can only work on you. He has to work on himself. 

I am sorry this is so hard for you. Cheating sucks.


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