# Surviving marriage with totally different friends



## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

We went out with a group of families on a camping trip that started Saturday night and ended Sunday morning after breakfast. Me, my wife, and our daughter met one family we've been good friends with for years. The other families we met we didn't know so well. I meet the dads once a week to workout. My wife was on the fence about going and I told her that I would go alone if she preferred to stay home. But on Wed she decided she wanted to go. So when we arrived, she barely talked to anyone and Sunday morning, she wouldn't even get out of our car. Before the sun was up she was saying she was done and asking "when can we leave?" Since it was our turn to cook, I reminded her we had agreed to make breakfast so we'd talk about leaving after everyone ate. Soon after, I got our daughter up and dressed and started breakfast for everyone, while keeping an eye on our child because she didn't leave the car that morning to help me out. On the two hour ride home, we did not say a single word to one another, literally not one. When we pulled into our neighborhood, she tells me that she won't go with me again, that I can hang out with "my" friends by myself and take our daughter if I want. But as they're not her friends, she had a bad time and isn't interested in doing it again. I've mixed feelings on this. One because she went under no obligation. Two, our good friends were there that we've known for years, though others in the group we didn't know as well. And she actually said this exact same thing when we first met the people we're both now great friends with. I guess I'm feeling a little emptied/abandoned by the "my" friends thing since she was afforded the option to not go. It was a family camping and though she wasn't great friends with them all, she had at least met everyone before and there'd never been any confrontation or indication there would be fights or issues. Our kids played great together and everyone seemed to have fun except her. I go weddings and spend long weekends with people she's met (where I know nobody) and have fun. So that she called them "my" people and wants no part makes me feel like we are really creating separate lives. She said she hoped I wouldn't be mad and I'm really not. I actually feel that not having to manage her feelings on the next trip will be great and that watching our three year old by myself will be easier than trying to soothe her. But I do feel a little alone. I've barely spoken with her since after years or similar exchanges I feel like I'm ready to just take my daughter out by myself and leave her to do whatever she wants and I won't spend another day worrying about if she's enjoying herself. Thoughts?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So what happened on the trip that made her feel all of a sudden like she couldn't be around them anymore?
SOMETHING must have trigger this that one of the friends did (or something SHE did that she is now embarrassed about).


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

ThanksJerry said:


> We went out with a group of people for a long weekend. me, my wife, and our daughter. On the way home, my wife tells me that she won't go with us again, that I can hang out with "my" friends by myself and take our daughter if I want. But as they're not her friends, she's not going again. I've mixed feelings on this. One because some of them are our mutual friends we've known for years, others in the group we didn't know as well. And she actually said this exact same thing when we first met the people we're both now great friends with. I guess I'm feeling emptied/abandoned by the "my" friends thing. It was a family camping trip with guys i workout with. She's met them all before and while we don't hang out all the time, our kids played great together and everyone seemed to have fun except her. I go weddings for "her" friends where I know nobody and have fun. So that she called them "my" people and wants no part makes me feel like we are really creating separate lives. She said she hoped I wouldn't be mad and I'm really not. I actually feel that not having to manage her feelings on the next trip will be great and than watching our three year old by myself will be easier than trying to soothe her. But I do feel a little alone. I've barely spoken with her since after years or similar exchanges I feel like I'm ready to just take my daughter out by myself and leave her to do whatever she wants and I won't spend another day worrying about if she's enjoying herself. Thoughts?


I would like to ask for some clarifications: you say "our mutual friends we've known for years" but then you explain later that they are "guys I workout with" so I understand you introduced these people to your wife and they became family friends, right? Then you say that you go to weddings for "her" friends and you have fun although you know nobody. So you are not friends with "her" friends, right? Going to wedding is much different from spending a weekend camping with friends. Looks like she tried over the years (I don't know how long have you been married) but she has not been enjoying the company of these people, and it sounds like you have been investing efforts to make her feel comfortable because you do realize she is not having fun in their company. This time she announces that she gives up and she doesn't want to be included in their gathering. How about you? have you invested any effort to hang out with the friends she brings to you? Has she introduced any of her friends and suggested you both hang out with them? I think context is crucial here to be able to give you any advice or opinion, because we don't have her perspective.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Would you say she is more of an introvert that extrovert? If she is an introvert then spending 2 or 3 days with a group of others can be very draining especially if they are not close friends and maybe she doesn't have a lot in common with them.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

There were four families, one of them we've known for years and they are considered close friends of ours. She spends her own time with them through her own initiative so its not like I forced her to hang out with them. The others this was our first outing all together. I've known all the dads about a year but none of the wive really knew one another so well. but I feel like this is not such a crazy idea, for a spouse to introduce their spouse to others. Nobody fought or had any disagreements. It was a generally nice time and everyone got along with everyone. But Sunday morning I found myself making pancakes and watching out daughter and she said she wasn't getting out until it was time to go. We didn't speak once on the two hour drive home except when we pulled in and she said, you hang out with them by yourself next time. I just feel like it's a double standard because she's met other moms and I've went with her and had a good time without knowing the group. And I make friends with people and camp and do whatever with people she's met and even if I'm not best friends with those she meets, I have a good time and don't basically wait in the car till its over. But I am here to get thoughts like yours because I'm open to everyone's perspective. Thanks for responding!


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

I think she's d


Diana7 said:


> Would you say she is more of an introvert that extrovert? If she is an introvert then spending 2 or 3 days with a group of others can be very draining especially if they are not close friends and maybe she doesn't have a lot in common with them.


I think she's definitely an introvert so you may have a point. Maybe this is our own compatibility issue because I am definitely a people person. Thank you for responding!


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So what happened on the trip that made her feel all of a sudden like she couldn't be around them anymore?
> SOMETHING must have trigger this that one of the friends did (or something SHE did that she is now embarrassed about).


I'm confident nothing embarassing happened, she wasn't ever out of my earshot so I definitely would've heard something. At night we were all around the fire talking and she just sort of sat there. By morning she wouldn't leave the car. This isn't the first time she's mentioned the "my" friends thing. She did it with the same people that she's quite close with, back when we'd just me them. As someone said below, I think maybe this is a lesson for me in how deeply introverted she is, though I have to say this is new. When we met 10 years ago, she was such a social butterfly. I am too which is how me met and hit it off. But now things seem to be very different. Thanks for responding!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ThanksJerry said:


> But Sunday morning I found myself making pancakes and watching out daughter and she said she wasn't getting out until it was time to go.


I don't know -- sounds to ME like something happened Saturday night that maybe you were not privy to -- an argument with one of the mothers, maybe one of them made what your wife considered an out-of-line statement about the kids, one of the guys said something or was acting a way she didn't like??
You just may want to try and talk to her about that, especially if everything was fine until Sunday morning. Maybe she didn't say anything because she is worried about YOUR reaction.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

ThanksJerry said:


> There were four families, one of them we've known for years and they are considered close friends of ours. She spends her own time with them through her own initiative so its not like I forced her to hang out with them. The others this was our first outing all together. I've known all the dads about a year but none of us really knew one another. but I feel like this is not such a crazy idea, for a spouse to introduce their spouse to others. Nobody fought or had any disagreements. It was a generally nice time and everyone got along with everyone. But Sunday morning I found myself making pancakes and watching out daughter and she said she wasn't getting out until it was time to go. We didn't speak once on the two hour drive home except when we pulled in and she said, you hang out with them by yourself next time. I just feel like it's a double standard because she's met other moms and I've went with her and had a good time without knowing the group. And I make friends with people and camp and do whatever with people she's met and even if I'm not best friends with those she meets, I have a good time and don't basically wait in the car till its over. But I am here to get thoughts like yours because I'm open to everyone's perspective. Thanks for responding!


Thanks for clarifying. I think she owes you an explanation or you need to have an honest conversation with her about the reason behind her "boycotting" these friends. Otherwise, you will be wallowing in bitterness and that's not good for you or for the relationship.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I don't know -- sounds to ME like something happened Saturday night that maybe you were not privy to -- an argument with one of the mothers, maybe one of them made what your wife considered an out-of-line statement about the kids, one of the guys said something or was acting a way she didn't like??
> You just may want to try and talk to her about that, especially if everything was find until Sunday morning. Maybe she didn't say anything because she is worried about YOUR reaction.


I agree that common sense would point to an argument so I understand your suggestion. But I truly would've heard as she wasn't alone with any of them. I guess that speaks to how introverted she is since she wasn't talking to anyone unless I was around. And there is also the fact that she said the same thing years ago about our now close friends, that they were "my" friends and not hers. Now she's planning weekend trips with the wife/mom and there definitely wasn't a spat. She just didn't like meeting them apparently. Maybe I just need to respect the fact that she's had some personality change. We used to attend parties and meet new people constantly, when we knew nobody. It's how we met. I remain very much a people person. She seems to be done with it. Wondering how we'll continue enjoying each other's company and raising our daughter in harmony.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Or, she's building some future time periods where you and daughter will be gone a few days, and she can have her own mini vacation to go out with girlfriends.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I get it to some degree - you can tolerate certain people for your spouse but not so often as they can perhaps? My XH had friends who I mostly liked but I don't want to hang with anyone for like 6 hours straight. It's too much. I like to go do something together or share a meal. I am introverted and find it exhausting being with a big group of people for several hours. My job involves a lot of noise and movement and I love it but the last thing I want to do when I have free time is spend extended periods of time around people I don't like that much. I have friends and love hanging with them. It does sound a bit blunt the way she phrased it and I agree, maybe there was a moment you didn't witness where somethig weird happened. 

I do remember when XH and I were engaged one night his friend made comments about my appearance that went from socially acceptable compliments to just really inappropriate gross remarks the more he drank. When I pointed out later to my then-fiance that his friend was acting really inappropriate tonight, he was like "oh it's a compliment." He didn't intervene at all. Any chance you'd react that way if you discovered someone did somethig that made her uncomfortable? It does happen...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ThanksJerry said:


> I think she's d
> 
> 
> I think she's definitely an introvert so you may have a point. Maybe this is our own compatibility issue because I am definitely a people person. Thank you for responding!


I mean if literally nothing else happened that she wants to tell you about like maybe some man flirting with her behind your back or making a comment, or people getting obnoxious and drunk, this is just more of a social gathering then she can handle because she is an introvert.

I consider myself kind of in the middle of the scale between introvert and extrovert and this type of gathering would be too much for me and last too long. Introverts need some space. If I were you I would kindly and not madly ask her if anything in particular happened. And then if she says no I would just say so you just don't like being around that many people for that long? And that's fine and no reason to be mad about it. Honestly this would be a lot for most people I know..

I once had a boyfriend I was pretty serious about and I realized that I would be so bored hanging around his friends. I don't know if there's something wrong with me. I'm pretty social, but a lot of people just put me to sleep, and I am selfish enough to not want to waste time on something I don't enjoy when I don't have to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Often, it is a differing 'class' thing. 
Maybe, a little snobbery at play.

Her having common interests with these people is obviously lacking.

Your wife may be depressed, and this behavior is indicative of this.

Some people are loners

She seems to know that she has issues, and she has no interest in any faking being con-jovial.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Maybe she was expecting someone to bring her out of her introvert shell and, when that didn't happen, decided she didn't like the group and they were "your friends".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The way you describe how she has always been, I am not sure she is an introvert, as it's surely unusual to change from one to another. 
To spend a whole weekend with people you have never met before seems unwise. An evening maybe but not a whole weekend. 
Maybe she just didn't have much in common and didn't feel relaxed with them.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Does she have social anxiety to some extent? My wife gets stressed out by such situations, even if everyone there are friends. She doesn't like concerts or big group events (even though she did when we were younger (and she was drunker)).

Its taken a while in our relationship to understand that our ability / tolerance for group events is different, and that hers seemed to change over-time. Now she knows that she can take a walk, read a book in the tent etc if she feels overwhelmed and that helps.

For us its I feel re-charged by interacting socially, she feels drained afterward.... definitely not ideal, but at least we know how it works.

Sounds like she may need to admit that she is struggling in social situations. IC helped my wife a lot with this (and other issues).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband has two friends that I can't stand, one in particular is the most arrogant, rude chump you could ever meet. Can't stand him and the feeling is mutual. I do go out with them for dinner sometimes, when you're married sometimes you have to go along to get along and all that. I loathe every minute of it but I put on a smile and tolerate him for my husbands sake.

Would I go away with him and his wife? Heck no! Not even overnight. Not a chance in hades. 

Would I stop my husband going? Also no.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You seem awfully invested in friends and don't come across as a man who cares about being a team with his wife, first and foremost. Maybe the weekend pounded home that realization to her and she's done with the whole scene of that being put in front of her face.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I wouldn't have made it through one day without being absolutely miserable. I can't imagine suffering through an entire weekend hanging out with a bunch of people I barely know and most likely don't even like. The whole thing sounds like torture to me. This stuff just might not be her thing.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Thank you everyone for posting so far, except Livvie. To clarify some points, we camped for one night. Arrived Saturday evening and left Sunday after breakfast, not that it really matters I suppose. But I do agree with many of you that it seems to either be a social anxiety thing that is new or she's become more introverted over the years and prefers her own friends. I am still a little hurt and worn out over the whole thing since we even discussed during the week and I offered to go alone and she wanted to come, only for me to feel like her having fun was as much my responsibility as packing for the trip. I love camping and I don't often get to so I'm a pretty down that probably the one time I'll have this summer, I spent worrying about how I could make her enjoy herself. And hours of silence on the way home just wore me out as well. As me feeling I am responsible for her happiness is something that transcends camping, I think what I need to do is set more boundaries. I am perfectly happy to offer her her own time and space to do the things she wants. But I will also commit to doing the things I enjoy and doing it by myself if necessary. In the past she's not liked me going solo either, which is part of the reason that she said she wanted to camp if I did. But I think I need to set that boundary and make her understand she's always welcome but I honestly don't want her to come if she is just going to sulk the whole time. Again thank you all for your comments, again except for Livvie who was only here to judge me and be rude. I would never force her (or anyone else to do things I enjoy at their own expense).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ThanksJerry said:


> Thank you everyone for posting so far, except Livvie. To clarify some points, we camped for one night. Arrived Saturday evening and left Sunday after breakfast, not that it really matters I suppose. But I do agree with many of you that it seems to either be a social anxiety thing that is new or she's become more introverted over the years and prefers her own friends. I am still a little hurt and worn out over the whole thing since we even discussed during the week and I offered to go alone and she wanted to come, only for me to feel like her having fun was as much my responsibility as packing for the trip. I love camping and I don't often get to so I'm a pretty down that probably the one time I'll have this summer, I spent worrying about how I could make her enjoy herself. And hours of silence on the way home just wore me out as well. As me feeling I am responsible for her happiness is something that transcends camping, I think what I need to do is set more boundaries. I am perfectly happy to offer her her own time and space to do the things she wants. But I will also commit to doing the things I enjoy and doing it by myself if necessary. In the past she's not liked me going solo either, which is part of the reason that she said she wanted to camp if I did. But I think I need to set that boundary and make her understand she's always welcome but I honestly don't want her to come if she is just going to sulk the whole time. Again thank you all for your comments, again except for Livvie who was only here to judge me and be rude. I would never force her (or anyone else to do things I enjoy at their own expense).


I wouldn't make a big deal out of the "my" friends thing. It really sounds like she was almost having a panic or anxiety attack. Has she gotten to that point before?


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I wouldn't make a big deal out of the "my" friends thing. It really sounds like she was almost having a panic or anxiety attack. Has she gotten to that point before?


Thank you and I think you're right. She has gotten to that point before and I think it could be social anxiety. I am totally fine with her avoiding situations that stress her out but I think I've long made a habit of either feeling responsible for managing her displeasure or just refraining from the things I want to do in order to keep her content. I think that needs to stop. Just curious how I can have this talk about us carving out some time without each other.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ThanksJerry said:


> Thank you and I think you're right. She has gotten to that point before and I think it could be social anxiety. I am totally fine with her avoiding situations that stress her out but I think I've long made a habit of either feeling responsible for managing her displeasure or just refraining from the things I want to do in order to keep her content. I think that needs to stop. Just curious how I can have this talk about us carving out some time without each other.


I think this needs to be addressed as 'you want to be a team with her', and her shutting down and going silent doesn't help you understand. If it is true that she is struggling with social anxiety, she can't tell you can't go everytime, and she also can't go and then ruin it. She needs to acknowledge the root problem, and you will likely have to be open to making some sacrifices also. The key is for both of you to communicate in an adult non-argumentative manner and come to an agreement before this happens again.

The solution can't be 100% either sides view, so don't push for that for yourself, and don't let her try to make it her way only.

All the desires you have about camping, meeting new friends etc, seem totally reasonable, but not if you know that your wife struggles in those situations.... then it needs to be managed a little closer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ThanksJerry said:


> You seem like a person who posts a bunch of useless words without intending to be helpful or knowing anything about the people posting or their relationship. Here's a hint, you see the other people asking me to clarify so they can offer something? Try that.


My post to you actually came after some thought, and I was intending to be helpful about how your wife might see things. 

This post to me was extremely rude. If this is how you react to things, no wonder you have some issue going on with your wife.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

When you give an out and they don’t take it it’s on them to put on their best face. I have to do this in a couple weeks. 

I don’t put my wife in situations like this.

I’m pretty sure if I did she would suck it up and not lock herself in the car like a sourpuss unless something really bad happened like someone was out of line and if they were she would tell me so I could straighten them out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Must admit when you said a weekend I thought you meant 2-3 days and 2 nights. From Saturday evening to Sunday after breakfast is a very short time. Even I as an introvert could deal with that and for that short time I could act friendly and polite even if I didn't really have much in common.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Livvie said:


> My post to you actually came after some thought, and I was intending to be helpful about how your wife might see things.
> 
> This post to me was extremely rude. If this is how you react to things, no wonder you have some issue going on with your wife.


How was your post meant to help? You started off with an assumption about me as a husband and then attacked me for it. Other people were helpful and respectful by asking me questions or suggesting i clarify a point where more information was needed. Your idea of help was to call me unsupportive which doesn't drive a conversation or really do anything but accuse and tear down. If you knew my 10 year marriage, you'd know I've driven myself into near panick attacks to prevent her from stress. Now I'm here for advice on boundaries and fairness to both of us. So if that was your idea of help, I feel like I'll just pass on it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ThanksJerry said:


> How was your post meant to help? You started off with an assumption about me as a husband and then attacked me for it. Other people were helpful and respectful by asking me questions or suggesting i clarify a point where more information was needed. Your idea of help was to call me unsupportive which doesn't drive a conversation or really do anything but accuse and tear down. If you knew my 10 year marriage, you'd know I've driven myself into near panick attacks to prevent her from stress. Now I'm here for advice on boundaries and fairness to both of us. So if that was your idea of help, I feel like I'll just pass on it.


I had written: "you seem awfully invested in your friends, and don't come across as a man who cares about being a team with his wife". 

That was my observation from what you had relayed to the forum. 

I ended my response saying perhaps that's what your wife was feeling...

Cause something sure is going on, you said she says _she had a bad time and isn't interested in doing it again_. 

If you can't handle someone's (my) observation relayed in one short post on an anonymous forum, need to label it as an "attack" (wtf??), and decide to make a couple of posts complaining and grousing about my post, then I do wonder what you are like in real life. 

I don't give a **** what you do, but I will say, you know the old saying about protesting too much?

My little TWO SENTENCE post was more than you could handle, apparently. Either you have extremely thin skin and can't withstand another person's observation (on an anonymous forum 😃), OR, perhaps it was a little too close to the truth of this friend/ weekend situation and you can't handle that.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I had written: "you seem awfully invested in your friends, and don't come across as a man who cares about being a team with his wife".
> 
> That was my observation from what you had relayed to the forum.
> 
> ...


Because nothing you have posted resembles advice. Saying I sound like a man who doesn't support his wife is not advice or an opinion that's needed. It's a rude assumption and obviously I take exception to it. If you have the right to level it then I have the right to call it out. What I would ask you do at this point, is just stop commenting on my post. I don't want your advice. Others have challenged me on what I said and brought up helpful points. I thank them all because they gave me something of value or challenged my thinking without calling me a husband with issues. Just understand that your advice is not wanted and move along.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ThanksJerry said:


> Because nothing you have posted resembles advice. Saying I sound like a man who doesn't support his wife is not advice or an opinion that's needed. It's a rude assumption and obviously I take exception to it. If you have the right to level it then I have the right to call it out. What I would ask you do at this point, is just stop commenting on my post. I don't want your advice. Others have challenged me on what I said and brought up helpful points. I thank them all because they gave me something of value or challenged my thinking without calling me a husband with issues. Just understand that your advice is not wanted and move along.


You have got some issue going on. 

I said you didn't come across like a man who wanted to be a team with his wife--- based upon the story you told about your 'friends weekend' and the problem with your wife had during it. 

There's nothing wrong with that opinion that breaks forum rules, and there's nothing about that opinion that is unreasonable or unfathomable, given the story you told. 

This is an open and public forum and for you to single out a poster (me) and mean mouth her, just because _you don't like her opinion_ may indeed be breaking some forum rule, and if it isn't, it's plain old ****ty form. 

You can block me, you know. I think YOU are the one who needs to stop mentioning and disparaging ME just because you didn't like what my perception was about your problem with your wife. 

My perception stands, and it's a whole lot worse now based on how you are carrying on here.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry if I haven’t read properly and you’ve already answered - does she have friends too and do you regularly spend time together with hers?

We do have a similar situation in my marriage, more so the early days where my husband would sulk and not enjoy my group, but I was always happy to jump in and get along with his. Yes we have completely different friends in every way, but I can jump in and mix with a billionaire or a junkie and be ok. We resolved it over the years but it was an issue for a long time, and keeping him happy was the priority.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Livvie said:


> You have got some issue going on.
> 
> I said you didn't come across like a man who wanted to be a team with his wife--- based upon the story you told about your 'friends weekend' and the problem with your wife had during it.
> 
> ...


Well then, let's just agree this back and forth has only reinforced perceptions of each other. You saying it did not seem that i an interested in being a team with my wife was taken as a rude and judgemental comment. In case you never figured it out, I take strong exception to any suggestion that I fail to support her, especially when those suggestions are offered right off the bat. Nothing you offered in response convinced me otherwise because talking with you has been only a distraction from the discussion. Whether or not you are posting to help, its honestly not working. Maybe we just started on the wrong foot and misunderstood each other. Though based on how the conversation has went, I don't think either of us has much reason to change our minds. 

Have a nice day


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Sorry if I haven’t read properly and you’ve already answered - does she have friends too and do you regularly spend time together with hers?
> 
> We do have a similar situation in my marriage, more so the early days where my husband would sulk and not enjoy my group, but I was always happy to jump in and get along with his. Yes we have completely different friends in every way, but I can jump in and mix with a billionaire or a junkie and be ok. We resolved it over the years but it was an issue for a long time, and keeping him happy was the priority.


No problem! I had to revise some spots where I wasn't clear. She has her own friends and on occasion there will be some event I'll attend with her, i.e. group BBQ, wedding, concert etc...I usually only know my wife but I manage to have an ok time. But I do understand that I am the more social one between us. Still, I am bothered by her reaction to what amounted to 6ish hours of hanging out with some of our close friends mixed in with people she knows less well. I get that some folks aren't social but staying in the car all morning was a noticeable and an issue for me in getting breakfast made. Wondering where to draw the line between her just being more introverted than I, and establishing what's starting to feel like a double standards in terms of our support to each other.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, is there any possibility that your wife doesn't like how you behave in social situations? Do you drink too much, get angry or overly sexually aggressive, get too flirty with other women, make jokes at her expense, exclude her from conversation or inside jokes with the others, or in any other way indicate that you'd rather she weren't there?

I ask because I've dealt with a partner who did all those things. But was then shocked when I wasn't interested in joining him on outings with his friends or expressed that I didn't wish to repeat those experiences. I might never have gone to hide in the car, but I've definitely withdrawn and gone to find something else to do until we left.


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## ThanksJerry (Jun 28, 2021)

Rowan said:


> OP, is there any possibility that your wife doesn't like how you behave in social situations? Do you drink too much, get angry or overly sexually aggressive, get too flirty with other women, make jokes at her expense, exclude her from conversation or inside jokes with the others, or in any other way indicate that you'd rather she weren't there?
> 
> I ask because I've dealt with a partner who did all those things. But was then shocked when I wasn't interested in joining him on outings with his friends or expressed that I didn't wish to repeat those experiences. I might never have gone to hide in the car, but I've definitely withdrawn and gone to find something else to do until we left.


Great post, thank you! I'd never thought of any of that. Perhaps she sees my friendliness with people (especially women) as a bridge too far? If not flirting, maybe she's just exhausted by my chatting or she feels ignored as I talk to everyone? I love making people laugh and will strike up conversations with the whole room. Shes never said it about me but now that you mention it, she's told me that she sees "bubbly" people as being fake or insincere. Maybe she sees me that way in large crowds. If so we have some personality differences for sure that we should manage more carefully.


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