# Just found out my partner is cheating...what now, please help!



## toblkflys (Jun 28, 2013)

Ok, I've had the gut feeling for about a month now. I just discovered my partner is cheating or is about to cheat. Found sex toys in her bag she takes with her to another city where she works 2 days a week. I know she just bought them last weekend. She just came back from her two day trip late last night. I just went through her bag and found all the evidence I need. She is at work right now. My instinct is to call her and tell her she needs to come home now. I want to confront her. I'm not an emotional mess, I've gone through that earlier this month. I'm numb and angry. Please help me, do I tell her to come home now or confront her when she gets home tonight?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Do you know if she could have been using them by herself? What type of toys? Why the gut feeling? Have there been other red flags?


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

I know you are going nuts, and what I did was confront right away as I had lots of info. In hindsight, I probably could have found more. So use the time she is at work to look for more evidence...love notes, cell phone records, diaries, charge card bills, hidden phone...etc. You may find more. Maybe VAR in the car.

You want to get this to the point where the evidence is so overwhelming that she really can not bs you.

If nothing else turns up, hopefully what you have will be good enough.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Do not confront yet. Grab her panties and have them tested for semen. Install a key-logger on home computer. Get all the cell phone records online, look for unusual patterns, numbers.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

How about checking text/phone records. Did she buy intimate clothing she doesn't ware for you. Next time she goes on a trip put a var in her car.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Like others have said, calm down do not expose yet this may be the tip of the iceberg.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

toblkflys said:


> Ok, I've had the gut feeling for about a month now. I just discovered my partner is cheating or is about to cheat. Found sex toys in her bag she takes with her to another city where she works 2 days a week. I know she just bought them last weekend. She just came back from her two day trip late last night. I just went through her bag and found all the evidence I need. She is at work right now. My instinct is to call her and tell her she needs to come home now. I want to confront her. I'm not an emotional mess, I've gone through that earlier this month. I'm numb and angry. Please help me, do I tell her to come home now or confront her when she gets home tonight?


WHOA WHOA WHOA slow down friend. You are freaked out and I understand that. Jumping the gun now would be the worst decision you can make. You need to gather some more evidence. You need to breathe and you need to determine what is going on. If you can make her not go on the trip. Tell her you are sick whatever make sure she has no clue you suspect something. Then start trying to sniff it all out. Start with phone records get them and find the most common numbers dialed. If she has a AP then she is likely talking to him as much as or more than you. Next get into her phone and text message history. Emails, facebook, skype. You need to get into all of it. 
You need to pretend like everything is okay. While you secretly look into everything she has or is doing. 
If you jump the gun to early you could make it very hard to end the affair and make your WS and the AP get closer to one another. There is a link in my signature dedicated to gathering evidence. It is a big one but look through it and ask questions we will all help. If you want to PM me and I will help as best I can. Also do not start being the perfect husband. You need to go cold and dark towards her. STart doing things on your own. Go to the gym , start restoring a car, do something productive that you can pour all these emotions into while you try to cope with this situation.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

toblkflys said:


> Ok, I've had the gut feeling for about a month now. I just discovered my partner is cheating or is about to cheat. Found sex toys in her bag she takes with her to another city where she works 2 days a week. I know she just bought them last weekend. She just came back from her two day trip late last night. I just went through her bag and found all the evidence I need. She is at work right now. My instinct is to call her and tell her she needs to come home now. I want to confront her. I'm not an emotional mess, I've gone through that earlier this month. I'm numb and angry. Please help me, do I tell her to come home now or confront her when she gets home tonight?


Friend, be careful. You have two problems.

One, you don't have enough evidence. She can easily explain those toys away - and what will you have left? You apologizing or getting into an argument with her. Then, if she is having an A, she'll likely be more careful (take it underground) and make it harder for you to discover more.

Two, if that's all you've got, maybe she's just having some fun time alone. Not likely, but possible.

Take the advice of the other posters and do some covert investigative work first. Always have solid evidence before you confront.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

What evidence you found?

IDK but sex toys are usually used on women (vibrators, dildos...).


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

It is the hardest thing in the world to do.....to keep quiet and not blurt it all out...but as others say here....be patient and get as much info as you can without her suspecting you know a thing.

I wish I'd come to TAM sooner.

As soon as I saw an email from a colleague to my WH I confronted him.....*and gave him the opportunity to delete all his emails!*

I should have said nothing..acted normal and looked at everything closely. Opportunity lost.

Good Luck


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Agree, slow down. You have not mentioned any real evidence, what is it?

If what you said is all you have you have nothing unless we are missing something. 

Go dark, gather evidence, VARs, etc. You want solid proof or you will regret it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your partner might not be cheating. Do keep this in mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Slow down and find more evidence. Chances are she will deny deny deny. You need to make absolutely sure before confronting. Typically cheaters deny even with evidence shoved in their face. Trust me, I know.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Is her phone attached to her body taking it everywhere even in the house? Is it a workphone and password protected? If you could give us some more info we could assist you better that's all. What set you off earlier in the month?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Since she regularly travels there why not watch her on the next trip and catch her in act?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I know you're reeling but do not confront yet, waaayy too early.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Private investigator, today.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You received a plethora of solid information that I can only recommend paying attention to it. 

Assume nothing until you have more and better evidence.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

A friend of mine had a gut feeling that his wife was running around on him. He poked around in her purse and saw that she had sex toys that he never knew they had. When she jumped in the shower, he went to the garden, got two Jalapeno peppers opened them and rubbed them down on the toys, put them back in the box and back into the purse. She left and came home about two hours later in distress and spent a whole lot of time in the tub and a not so comfortable night in bed. Two weeks later he caught her and when she was backing her car out of the driveway because he threw her out he told her what he did and she was so pi$$ed off she tried to run him down in the driveway and took out the garage door. True story. I helped him haul away the old door.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> A friend of mine had a gut feeling that his wife was running around on him. He poked around in her purse and saw that she had sex toys that he never knew they had. When she jumped in the shower, he went to the garden, got two Jalapeno peppers opened them and rubbed them down on the toys, put them back in the box and back into the purse. She left and came home about two hours later in distress and spent a whole lot of time in the tub and a not so comfortable night in bed. Two weeks later he caught her and when she was backing her car out of the driveway because he threw her out he told her what he did and she was so pi$$ed off she tried to run him down in the driveway and took out the garage door. True story. I helped him haul away the old door.


Like that one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

6301 said:


> A friend of mine had a gut feeling that his wife was running around on him. He poked around in her purse and saw that she had sex toys that he never knew they had. When she jumped in the shower, he went to the garden, got two Jalapeno peppers opened them and rubbed them down on the toys, put them back in the box and back into the purse. She left and came home about two hours later in distress and spent a whole lot of time in the tub and a not so comfortable night in bed. Two weeks later he caught her and when she was backing her car out of the driveway because he threw her out he told her what he did and she was so pi$$ed off she tried to run him down in the driveway and took out the garage door. True story. I helped him haul away the old door.


Best story of the entire month. Thanks for making me smile.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Me thinks OP did not fancy our advice.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

6301 said:


> A friend of mine had a gut feeling that his wife was running around on him. He poked around in her purse and saw that she had sex toys that he never knew they had. When she jumped in the shower, he went to the garden, got two Jalapeno peppers opened them and rubbed them down on the toys, put them back in the box and back into the purse. She left and came home about two hours later in distress and spent a whole lot of time in the tub and a not so comfortable night in bed. Two weeks later he caught her and when she was backing her car out of the driveway because he threw her out he told her what he did and she was so pi$$ed off she tried to run him down in the driveway and took out the garage door. True story. I helped him haul away the old door.


So he caught her masturbating and threw her out? :scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Suspecting said:


> So he caught her masturbating and threw her out? :scratchhead:


No if you read it carefully, SHE left and went out for a couple of hours then came back with the burning.

She was with her OM.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> No if you read it carefully, SHE left and went out for a couple of hours then came back with the burning.
> 
> She was with her OM.


Doesn't that mean she used the toy on herself since SHE had the burning. She could have been in the woods or in a public bathroom for all we know. Of course we don't know what toys she had since it's not mentioned. I assume dildo/vibrator.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

This, undoubtedly, is your first "red flag." It is greatly equivalent to the legal axiom referred to "probable cause."

In your case, I would say that this "probable cause" doesn't give you the immediate, unfettered right to confront her, primarily because (1) while potentially embarrassing, she actually could be innocent, and (2) to unduly confront, if she were indeed guilty, you could be doing yourself a severe disservice in not initiating further investigation to make a better case for it, and (3) tipping her off to drive such a relationship underground, completely under the radar.

What you have here is somewhat synonymous with a homicide case ~ all that you have right now is only a lightly "smoking gun," with no apparent fingerprints on it, other than her own; but with no current connection with anyone else. This is exactly what should, more than spur, the investagory process forward on your part; greatly to see if that connection can, in any way, be firmly established. While no prosecutor in his right mind would ever seek to indict someone with his fingerprints all over a weapon, without first finding a body, or extremely strong circumstantial evidence that there is indeed a body with a very strong connection to the accused! Without any of that, that is exactly why his office and the authorities under his command will offer to investigate further until something more concrete turns up to richly support his case!

You need to begin going through her cell-phone/texting and landline phone records to establish more than frequent contacts with strange phone numbers and probable travel timelines. Additionally, if you can, you need to have her PC IMing and FB activity scrutinized by implementation of a keylogger. Also, the installation of a VAR in her vehicle should reap dividends. If you're "iffy" about doing this yourself, then perhaps you should put it into the hands of a good accomplished PI. In any event, you must keep whatever your level of suspicion is, as totally inconspicuous as possible, and well under wraps ~ no matter how difficult that task may present itself to be.

Given these parameters, it will likely be extremely tough for her to even come close to passing the "smell test." But your initial discovery definitely gives you license and time to investigate further. Best of luck to you, my friend!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Suspecting said:


> Doesn't that mean she used the toy on herself since SHE had the burning. She could have been in the woods or in a public bathroom for all we know. Of course we don't know what toys she had since it's not mentioned. I assume dildo/vibrator.


I don't think so. What's more likely? 

That she left her own home so she could play with her sex toys on herself away from home?

Or 

She took her sex toys to meet the OM do he could play with them on her?


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I don't think so. What's more likely?
> 
> That she left her own home so she could play with her sex toys on herself away from home?
> 
> ...


I think the first one is more likely. Maybe she used the toy while driving a car or sat at a coffee shop. The truth is weirder than fiction usually.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Suspecting said:


> I think the first one is more likely. Maybe she used the toy while driving a car or sat at a coffee shop. The truth is weirder than fiction usually.


I've got some amazing business deals to show you that I know you are gonna want to jump at!

First up is mortgages for people who some call high risk, just because they have nontraditional income sources. They have income and are willing to pay double the going rate for the opportunity to own their own dream home.

Second, the city of NY is having a hard time financially and they are looking for an investor to take over ownership of the Brooklin Bridge and operate it for the city.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I've got some amazing business deals to show you that I know you are gonna want to jump at!
> 
> First up is mortgages for people who some call high risk, just because they have nontraditional income sources. They have income and are willing to pay double the going rate for the opportunity to own their own dream home.
> 
> Second, the city of NY is having a hard time financially and they are looking for an investor to take over ownership of the Brooklin Bridge and operate it for the city.


What are you talking about? Nothing to do with sex toys. Nice Straw Man argument.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

He caught her with her co worker and he knew the guy and his wife. He said that the OM liked to use the toys (dildo's) on his wife because it turned him on and I suppose she wanted to please her OM and so she bought them for him to use on her. Needless to say, two marriages are now down the toilet along with a garage door.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

How did he caught them?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I don't think so. What's more likely?
> 
> That she left her own home so she could play with her sex toys on herself away from home?
> 
> ...


Actually, what's more likely is that she took her sex toys to meet the other *WOMAN*, not a man. It amuses me how TAM members easily forget that women cheat with women too.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

He followed them when she got out of work. He borrowed his sisters car and followed them to a park and from what he told me was they were making out in the car. Don't know if it was sex or not but either way he caught her and notified the OM's wife and like I said, two marriages down the drain. Felt really bad for him. He really loved her and he treated her good.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I think the first one is more likely. Maybe she used the toy while driving a car or sat at a coffee shop. The truth is weirder than fiction usually.


That would BE awesome I mean her I am at the drive through I look ivey and what I see. A free show! Or driving down the freeway going to work and low and behold dildo action! LOL that is what I call a distraction.


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow your roll! Hit the brakes! Think about this first. Have you always known about her having sex toys for when she's alone? Has she been acting weird? Being more secretive (especially with her computer and/or phone)? Excuses for being out so late a lot? Before you confront her, make sure you have concrete evidence. Facebook friends, IM/Chat logs, texts, emails and the phone bill. Or a possession from the AP.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> No if you read it carefully, SHE left and went out for a couple of hours then came back with the burning.
> 
> *She was with her OM*.


*Don't you just know that her OM had to be the first man to catch the full wrath of her unmitigated hell over that initial, "hot flash" that she so unexpectedly experienced!*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *Don't you just know that her OM had to be the first man to catch the full wrath of her unmitigated hell over that initial, "hot flash" that she so unexpectedly experienced!*


And loving it.

She must have really really got angry at the dude.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am hearing crickets. I wonder if the OP confronted her. The reaction that he had and what he spoke about seems to me that he had more evidence then he shared with us, but since this was a hit and run we may never know.


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