# Signs your relationship is over



## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Found some tutorials on YouTube that people here on the brink or trying to decide about their relationship might find of value....

signs relationship over - YouTube

There are probably articles if you google as well.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Oy. Yup that's a sign.

This is what I was looking for initially when I stumbled onto the tutorials (a humorous take.. so caution to those struggling right now):

When a relationship Is Over! - YouTube


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Lotus--I want to post this because I found this some time ago when I was going through my divorce.

John Gottman is a relationship counselor/psychologist and says there are 4 things that will lead to a divorce/break up. I can honestly say all four were happening in my marriage before I separatd from my exH:

_
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Based on John Gottman's, PhD, Relationship Research
Adapted from his book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work"
by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT 

Dr. John Gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversation whether the relationship he is watching will survive over the long-haul or not. He bases his predictions on four potentially destructive communication styles and coping mechanisms: (1) harsh startup, (2) the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, (3) flooding, and (4) body language. In this synopsis I will focus on the Four Horsemen. 

The Four Horsemen are a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. 

The first horseman in a relationship is *criticism.* Criticizing our partner is different than offering a critique or having a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former attacks our partner at the core. In effect, we are dismantling his or her whole being when we criticize. 

Example: "I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other" is a complaint. "You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful; you just don't think about me" is a criticism. 

The second horseman is *contempt*. When we communicate from this state, we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by using sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The partner feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and cannot be replaced with anything. It must be eliminated. 

Example: "I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on that sofa and become a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of." 

The third horseman is *defensiveness*. This is an easy one to fall into. We feel accused of something and think that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells our partner that we haven't considered anything he or she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner. 

Example: She: "Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we are not coming tonight as you said this morning you would?" He: "I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy my schedule was. Why didn't you just do it?" He not only responds defensively but turns the table and makes it her fault. A nondefensive response would have been: "Oooops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. Let me call them right now." 

The fourth horseman is *stonewalling*. When we stonewall, we avoid conflict either because we are unconscious of our own feelings or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting the issues (usually they tend to accumulate) with our partner, we make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy or engaging in obsessive behaviors. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person._

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, adapted from John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" ~ Gudrun Zomerland, MFT


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Wow.. cool stuff. And yup... the :eye rolling: I've done apparently fell in line with that... LOL

All around ugly and nasty and no more give and take or respect

RESPECT.. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!

No respect.. no relationship. Wonder what couples in that state their auras look like!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lotuslove said:


> RESPECT.. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME!


LOL. Now I will have that song stuck in my head all day1


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

LOL.. sorry!

HEre's another video I find helpful when struggling in a relationship

old greg love games - YouTube


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I knew the relationship with my 1st daughter's father was over when I had a fleeting thought one day while driving home:

"When I graduate from this time in my life...."

Yep. I left 2 months later.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

When she was dating another guy, I seriously thought that our time was running short.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

"I knew our sex life was in trouble when I went to bed and found she had installed a shark cage on her side of it."

- Dennis Miller


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> "I knew our sex life was in trouble when I went to bed and found she had installed a shark cage on her side of it."
> 
> - Dennis Miller


When his car would pull up in garage and I wanted to go puke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

golfergirl said:


> When his car would pull up in garage and I wanted to go puke.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Extreme car sickness!!


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Waking up to his snoring in the middle of the night and wanting to suffocate him. It was much more than just the snoring though.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and stonewalling. Great. I have all four. 

I'm criticized by my W. I then become defensive. I don't like conflict so I withdraw. This leads to contempt on my W's part.

How do you break the cycle? I'm trying to be less defensive and just admit and not make excuses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Bigrascal said:


> Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and stonewalling. Great. I have all four.
> 
> I'm criticized by my W. I then become defensive. I don't like conflict so I withdraw. This leads to contempt on my W's part.
> 
> How do you break the cycle? I'm trying to be less defensive and just admit and not make excuses.


You just break it. Everything you want to do, do the opposite


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

When she said that her friends were models of empathy while I alone had no empathy whatsoever for her. This while I pay all her bills, just got her an upgraded cell phone so she and her friends could plot against me, watch the kids so she can go out or do other stuff, go shopping, do errands and clean and fix whatever is needed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

John Gottman's stuff is amazing, but did you know that he recently called Dr. Sue Johnson "the best marital therapist in the world" when reviewing her book "Hold Me Tight". 

What Sue Johnson figured out in her marital therapy research is that the "four horsemen" just about always raise their ugly heads in a relationship because of frustrated "attachment-needs." 

She says that we're designed to be in and benefit incredibly from long term, emotionally healthy monogamous relationships! 

Attachment-needs are the needs to feel emotionally protected and safe; to feel that we are put first before anyone else in our partner's life. These needs are said to be as important to humans as the needs for air and water for our physical health. 

It's like the emotional needs that a child has for a primary care giver only it's 2-way, between the adult partners. 

These needs flair up some times and are more dormant at other times. When they flair up, that's were the "soothing" comes in along with communicating emotions effectively and setting up re-assuring boundaries etc. 

Here's Dr. Sue Johnson Herself. I once had a 90 minute consult with her and my wife, when we went through a rough patch a few years ago. 

She teaches that when the attachment needs are met in kind of a "relationship dance", the four horseman ride far-far-away and usually don't come back. Pretty amazing lady! 

I think the surest sign a relationship is over is when the couple has completely disconnected from each other. But even then they can re-connect if they really want to and work at it together. But then again, I am a pro-marriage counselor. 

Susan Johnson - The Experience of Connection - YouTube


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Bigrascal said:


> Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness and stonewalling. Great. I have all four.
> 
> How do you break the cycle? .


My wife suggested I move out to break the cycle. 

This is starting to sound like a good idea to me!


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