# Promises Made...



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm going to try and chronicle the promises that we have made and who keeps them and what happens. 

Long loving hugs – 10 per day
Morning hug – 15 seconds
Playful touches – 2 per day
Conversation – 30 mins per day
Admiration/compliments 10 per day
Sexual Fulfillment – 2x per week
Play games – chess or ?
930-11 personal time 5-7 x per week

Pink ones are my suggestions, his are in black.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Wednesday Jan 21 - Played Risk. I gave him three hugs. Conversation was mutual. Personal time was done. (played risk)

Notes: Didn't decide till later in the afternoon. He invited me to go to Target with him (unusual) nothing too special there, but I gave him lots of hugs and kisses. He seemed to like them. Now if he would only start being the leader! Yes yes, be patient...


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i reckon in my relationship id say im more the leader and so im more likely to keep ideas in the relationship going.
your promise chronicles are good ideas.
its funny how we can each have our own ways on helping a marriage .
my family and relationship circles are on a similar understanding.
but looking at yours , i can take something from them.
as for the b patient bit - hey these are courting ideas, there fun.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Cute way to address the things that are important to you both. On a sub level very sly. Most men like lists and goals. Things that can be measurable. You may be working on him at a level that he is not even aware of. Let us know how this works out for you.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

that's great snix. sounds like you guys are starting to communicate. definitely be patient and make sure you compliment him on what he is doing, and the effort he is giving.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Keeping promises was a key part of the "boundaries" link that I passed on to you from *ljtseng*. I have been guilty in the past of breaking promises to my kids, and after I realised just how bad this was, I decided not to make them very often.

I realised, I made them to make the kids happy, but when I didn't deliver, it turned me into a dud dad. So now, rather than promise something nice (which I might not live up to), I prefer to just do the nice thing out of the blue.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thursday Jan 22 - H woke up very cranky. Just gave him space for an hour or so till he got to his second cup of coffee. He even gave my 8yr old son (whom he despises) a hug when I suggested it. That was a very big deal for him. That evening we Played trivial pursuit. He was nice and affectionate to me all day. I got a migraine about 10pm, took some meds that knock me out. 

He came to bed at 1am and initiated sex. No foreplay, spooning me from behind. basically poked me in the lower back sort of thing. Guys, surely there is a better way of waking your woman up for sex?? lol. Entire session lasted four minutes from start to his coming. I was sooooo tired. Tried to ask him to wait till sometime when i was more awake. he ignored me. Afterwards he patted me in a rather condecending way, gave me a kiss and said 'there you can go back to sleep now" rolled over and went to bed. Yeesh!! 

I didn't say anything about it - just acted like i liked it. Well, at least he's initiating sex. if you can call it that. How on earth do I get us back to having sex that it mutually enjoyable? Thank goodness I only agreed to 2x a week! This wham bam stuff stinks. 

Friday Jan 23 - Nice to me all day, very sweet and affectionate. No longer doing the passive aggressive stuff. Nothing in what he's actually doing so much as a total change in attitude. A few hugs, some nice conversation. He drove the kids to their "grandma" (all but the baby) for the weekend. It's a one hour drive and he left at 7pm. He was gone till after midnight (when I went to bed)

Saturday Jan 24 - Slow day. several hugs. Nothing special. we went to the fights at a friends house. One time, when Paul was outside alone and the girls (my friends) were in the kitchen, one of the girls said to 'flash' Paul. they do this to their husbands if they know nobody else can see. I've seen them do this before and the hubsbands either blush or give a big thumbs up from outside or whatever. So I did. I'm not usually that bold. Paul just shrugged his shoulders at us like "what was that for?". Ok. don't do that again! Boy did i feel stupid. Then later I was feeling sleepy after the fights were over on TV (it was about 1am) I lay down on the couch in the den while all the guys went to play Magic. A little while later the same girl (Monica) that told me to flash my H brought in his coat to cover me with. Chivalry by proxy? H didn't offer the coat, she went in and basically told him to give it to me. Then told me it was his responsibility to his woman. Well ok. He hasn't done anything like that on his own for three years, since we were dating. I did notice that he let me wear it home too. In fact he insisted on it! That was nice. 

Is it me or perhaps when he's not feeling 'romantic' towards me but is at least willing to drop the passive aggressive BS and be truly nice I see that for some reason he just didn't acquire the skills somewhere to treat a woman well? 

Having to be told by another woman to give up his coat to his wife? 

I guess you would call his sexual style 'insensitive' ? 

Now when we were dating and he was 'in love' with me - all that romantic behavior and wanting (needing) to please me in bed was always there. He bent over backwards to make sure i was happy. 

Seems if I can keep him around his friends, at least the females might 'train' him to be a bit more romantic. Now I just have to figure out how to train him in bed. 

I guess just retraining somehow? Not sure. I'll give it a few more weeks with just telling him how wonderful he is and see if things improve. That's the week in review


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well... not bad!

Of course, I hope you only said sex twice a week was a minimum


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Mark - Sex of the kind you offer and promote i could NOT get enough of! But 5x a day maximum... 

Sex that means 4-5 minutes of thrusting with no foreplay and no thought of my pleasure and no semen retention is gonna be difficult to put up with. Hopefully things will get better.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Looks like H might be getting a job outside the house (omg) Doing pool and spa repair for 13.00 and hour.

won't be enough to pay our bills, but it might make him happier and more romantic. we'll see.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> Mark - Sex of the kind you offer and promote i could NOT get enough of! But 5x a day maximum...


We have never gone beyond 3 times in a day - simply not enough time. But after the last of our kids leave home...

But there are other things in life besides sex you know geeeez


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

any good things?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Sunday Jan 25 - Nothing earth shattering - had a sick kid to take care of that day. No arguments tho.

Monday Jan 26 - Nothing much to report. Blah day. A few hugs and stuff. Not really keeping our promises as above, but he slips back into 'just getting along' phase sometimes. 

Tuesday Jan 27 - H gets a job. First one he applied for, first interview. He says that has happened to him all his life. Lucky guy  He starts Monday. 12.00 whole dollars an hour!! well, it will help. 

I really supported him when he got it. Made him a cake that said "congratulations Dad" and a special dinner. The kids all made up a song for him and told him how proud they were. 

He said he was a 'workin man' now. So I guess he's happy. If this job helps his self confidence and brings us closer together I'm all for it. 

I'm trying not to be worried that he will just use the money as 'get away pay' I said i was proud of him, he said thanks. I said "i love you honey" he said "uh yeah". Ok, note to self. stop saying I love you.

Tues night I initiated sex. I couldn't think of how to begin. He asked why i was staring at him. He didn't 'get' it at all. so i just undressed him and made him happy 

He was really surprised at my boldness. kept asking if i was going to tickle him or torture him. What? er no dear. Why would he ask that? 

Anyway, due to monthly timing I just gave him a BJ, he didn't do anything for me. But I didn't require it and I'm darn sure not going to ASK and be rejected. 

Later in bed he asked if I would tickle his back. I brought up a character from one of his favorite books and told him "yes, but that will be an additional 5.00 and we'd better hurry before my husband gets home" He laughed and kind of snuggled with me, so I took that as a positive thing. I may go with the "Mr. Smith" thing again since he took it well. 

Wed - He went 3 hours north on a business trip super double knot spy mission. He likes these, makes him feel important and special. He may or may not be back tonight, but should be back tomorrow. 
Hope to have some phone special time with him tonight.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thurs - Still working on things. We are down to the one armed, short morning hug and some time in the evenings together. I really wanted to talk last night, he wanted to play Disney Scene it. So of course we played Disney scene it. He asked me if I wanted to do something else, but I was so upset that he only wanted to "play games" yet AGAIN that I didn't trust myself to be nice about it. So I kept my mouth shut. I'm just hoping that he will SOMEDAY want to actually talk to me rather than play games during our only time together like a couple of 7 year olds. 

He asked me if I wanted to spend our last 1/2 cuddling. I said yes. He waited until it was 5 minutes left then cuddled me but still no talking. I feel a bit cheated. I even got a baby sitter for all night (my 17 yr old) so we could spend time together, but by the time I came back upstairs, he was asleep. oh well.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> He asked me if I wanted to do something else, but I was so upset that he only wanted to "play games" yet AGAIN that I didn't trust myself to be nice about it. So I kept my mouth shut.




Why do you sabotage things?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

By the way, this log is very helpful - less analysis and more "facts".


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

why do i sabotage things? By NOT showing him i was upset, he was happy and we played the stupid game. 

He was nice to me the next day. 

He has told me, very specifically - do NOT tell me i am doing anything wrong or bad. 

He leaves the seat up - i put it down, don't say anything.
He runs up 300 in overdraft charges in his personal account? Pay it out of my account, don't say anything. 
He rejects me over and over? Tell him I am just sad because i'm 'hormonal' 

He does not want the truth. he wants me to be june cleaver. 

I am to act happy with him 100 percent of the time.
there is NO way I can bring up any negative issues that have anything to do with him.

In effect he is training me to lie to him about my feelings.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Fine. just the facts, no analysis 

Man you are asking a lot... i'm the over-analyzing queen O the known universe!
:allhail:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> In effect he is training me to lie to him about my feelings.


And you are training him to know that's acceptable.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> why do i sabotage things? By NOT showing him i was upset, he was happy and we played the stupid game.


Maybe I misread, but I though you missed an opportunity for cuddles and maybe even "intimacy" as you Americans call it.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thursday - ok day. I was depressed and upset. He asked me what was wrong, I said i was just stressed out over work. Yes, I lied to him. He was happy with this lie and rubbed my neck for 14 seconds.

Later he asked if i wanted to do something fun that night. I said sure. but then we realized we had to drop off and pick up a kid from 6-8. so we decided to go shopping for our son's 1st birthday on Saturday. on the way there, he asked me what was wrong again. i said i would rather not talk about it. he kept bugging me about it, wouldn't let it go. So I told him, nicely and sweetly with love that i was a little worried about his new job. That if it brought us closer together, made him miss me during the day and gave him confidence that i was all for it, but if he was just using it to get money to leave i needed to know now and not expect anything else. I told him i was proud of him for getting the job and very happy for him, but a little worried. 

The last time he wanted to get an outside job, he was all happy and excited for the first week. then told me that he was just getting one so he could leave me. He has not said since then he does NOT want to leave.

He was nice at first, said that I shouldn't be worried and it was stupid of me to be worried and made fun of me for being a hormonal 'woman'. He then said he didn't understand. 

I tried to tell him again. I said i just needed some reassurance that he was planning on staying, that he loved me and that he wanted the best for us. He said that is what he thought he WAS doing (by making fun of me??) This made him so angry he started screaming at me and hitting things - he got out of the truck in the parking lot and starting walking home on the highway. 

I wasn't sure what to do. Finally I figured he might want me to go after him, so i did. blocking traffic and everything. He got back in the car and immed started yelling at me again. I didn't say anything other than - I'm sorry, can we start again? I just let him abuse me. what else could i do?

After yelling at me, calling me names, he got out of the truck again and started walking. 

I followed him some more. he finally got back in.

I asked him where he wanted me to drive to - he said he didn't give a FUC* where I went, just DRIVE. So I just drove down the highway for a bit and turned around in a few miles. 

He then yelled at me for THAT too and I stayed calm even tho i was mad as hell for him yelling at me for doing what he told me to!! 

I asked him, if you don't want me to drive, what do you want? He said he didn't want ANYTHING from me. 

That wasn't helpful. 

Finally, i gave in. AGAIN. like i ALWAYS do, damnit.  I said i was sorry again, asked if we could please talk. he said that depended on me. i had to promise not to yell at him and to not accuse him of anything. I said that I could do that and asked if I could have the same promise. he said NO. 

I stopped the truck and said i was sorry again. i said i was sorry for sharing my worry and fears with him. i said i would try to keep them to myself from now on. He let me hold his hand, but looked out the window and was angry and sullen. This went on for an hour. with me apologizing for everything under the sun and telling him it was all my fault on and on and on. Finally he relented and said we could go shopping. 

I had been crying and said I thought he might want to go into the store by himself since I didn't want to embarrass him. He got mad at me for THAT too. I was just trying to be nice. 

We eventually went in and went shopping. I was told to act HAPPY. I did my best. 

Later at home, I said I love you to him. He answered - yeah. whatever. Then on the phone, he made a point to let me see him tell his Aunt he loved her too. So his Aunt means more to him than me?

Then he gets off the phone, and gives me a big hug. why?? of course I hug him back, just like he wants.

Later he asks me if I want to come to bed. I said sure. He holds me for a minute, but not like he wants to. more like he's holding a dead animal. 

I didn't want him to see me crying. so i offered to tickle his back like he likes. He asked me if i really wanted to (asking for reassurance like i did earlier) Instead of doing what he does to me - "Oh CHRIST, here we go AGAIN" or "I SAID I did, didn't I?" and being all mean about it even tho I've NEVER rejected him, i just said 'honey, if it makes you happy and brings you pleasure, i would always want to do it. I love you and want to make you happy' exactly what i wish he would say to me when i need reassurance like that. 

What was different was after i did that, he actually turned back over and held my hand. 

The baby woke up at 2am, then my friend wanted to chat at 230 and i've been up ever since. He's woken up twice and asked me what's wrong. 

Obviously i'm NOT going to tell him it's him. I just said i had a bad dream. He seemed happy with that and went back to sleep.

Feb will be my "month o love" I will give and give and give and give. 

I do not expect anything back. But march 1, I quit giving until I get some love back. No, I don't expect he will ever do that. He's got a month. I hope he enjoys it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Snix

I was so sad in reading this. Your husband is manipulating you as well as emotionally abusing you. He pulls the power play with yelling and belittling you and you kowtow to his abuse. The parallels were very clear on his actions in the car. It’s his way or the hi-way. You in turn are not telling him the real problem. Him! Then he expects personal servitude from you in the end and again hurts you.. While I applaud your determination to tame him with love, it has little chance of success as he does not respect you. You are being controlled and have no control over the situation. And until you develop a better respect for yourself and your needs in life you will never be able to gain control in this. I am so sorry.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Snix
> 
> The parallels were very clear on his actions in the car. It’s his way or the hi-way.


:iagree:, but interesting that on this occasion *he* actually stepped onto the highway. It's as if life was giving you the chance to (as we say in the UK) "tell him where to get off", but you declined. My wife would probably not have picked me up the second time.

I must admit, I thought things were actually getting better, but something seems wrong. I think one thing you did that did not help was to show him your vulnerability. You can ask him for what you want - hugs, kisses, sex - but don't act vulnerable - he's not able to handle it at the moment, his reaction seems to be to go in for the kill.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

> You can ask him for what you want - hugs, kisses, sex - but don't act vulnerable - he's not able to handle it at the moment, his reaction seems to be to go in for the kill.


I agree. Only positive things. I can compliment him, give to him, give of myself. But show him i need something he hasn't already given? He blows up. 

Even a hint that there might be something he could change to make me happier? BOOM. :scratchhead:


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Snix
> 
> I was so sad in reading this. Your husband is manipulating you as well as emotionally abusing you. He pulls the power play with yelling and belittling you and you kowtow to his abuse. The parallels were very clear on his actions in the car. It’s his way or the hi-way. You in turn are not telling him the real problem. Him! Then he expects personal servitude from you in the end and again hurts you.. While I applaud your determination to tame him with love, it has little chance of success as he does not respect you. You are being controlled and have no control over the situation. And until you develop a better respect for yourself and your needs in life you will never be able to gain control in this. I am so sorry.


I sure feel belittled when he does that. But then again, sometimes I feel his frustration and sadness. He wants so badly to be 'perfect' just the way he is, and just goes over the top when anything he does is a little off. 

I've tried to tell him the real problem, him. He just won't listen. He twists my words, makes everything much more horrible than it is. I'll say, honey can you please give me some reassurance? He says "Oh GREAT, so I'm not doing THAT right EITHER!" and he's off in his own world where he doesn't hear anything i say, when all he had to do was give me a hug and tell me he loved me. shrug. 

The problem with respecting myself more, is I end up really, *REALLY *angry at him! There is NO reason I can see for him to treat me (or anyone) this way. The more I like myself, the more I start hating him for hurting me this much. I don't want to hate him. So I figure the ONLY course I have left is to try and love it out of him, tell myself it's my fault and try to change even more to get him to start being nice to me.

My Feb experiment:

Do not say anything negative about him. Ever. No matter what. Only good things. Only compliments. If he asks me what's wrong, lie to him if it means I'm unhappy about something he did or did not do. Do everything I can to make him happy. Make sure I keep all the promises we agreed on, even if he doesn't. 

Frankly, I'm very scared to initiate sex and get rejected. Again. But I'll try at least twice a week. That's my promise and I'm going to keep my word even if he doesn't. At least for a month. Thank goodness it's a short month 

In the mean time, I'm also going to be working on me - working out, going out on my own. He'll be out of the house and away from me at least 8 hours a day now with the new job, that will help. So if at the end of Feb, he isn't giving as good as he gets, I will have enough of a base to go from that I won't sink.

The way i figure it now, he owes me about 572 orgasms.  We've been having sex for three years now, where he gets all the O's and I don't get any. According to MT's formula, I got mine coming, dangit  (er, so to speak)


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Friday - Wonderful day for me. Hubby left at 10am for a business meeting. I got the house clean (something I can never do with him here) the kids all done with their chores and homework, the laundry caught up, my business stuff done and I made 671.00 :smthumbup:

He called me around 1pm and said the clients had not showed up yet. He was calling around to all his friends. We talked shop, but nothing personal. I asked if he wanted to go out tonight. He said sure and asked what movies were playing. MOVIES  This man has really gotten me to HATE movies!!!!!

I mentioned a few and asked if he might want to go play pool instead. He said sure - maybe. He'll be here around 7-8pm. I'll have dinner ready (unusual as I usually don't cook) warm fluffy towels for his shower and everything as wonderful as i can. I've got candles lit, new sheets on the bed, everything. No, i'm not expecting sex, but I like it clean and organized and sweet smelling... just makes me feel good. :butterfly:

I'll post more on this after our 'date'.

The date (drum roll please)

Knowing he would be home in an hour, i decided to try and 'wow' him. New haircut, new hairdo, extra special makeup, low cut blouse and great victoria secret sexywear. special earrings, the whole works. Well the 8-10 yr old saw me as I was coming out of the bathroom and went nuts! Wow, mom, you look BEAUTIFUL! wow... how sexy, wow... you look like you are 20 years old. on and on. I did feel pretty good and the hair/makeup/clothes etc were awfully cute. Well hubby comes home. walks up the stairs, sees me, says "hello honey" and walks past me and sees the baby. "OH HI THERE LITTLE BOY!" grabs him up, swings him around, wrassles him to the ground, spends the next 10 minutes playing with him. 

hmmm. maybe i was invisible?

After 30 minutes, he's still playing and cuddling and cooing over the baby, not one word to me. I get fed up and tell the kids i'm going for a walk. I went for a walk and about 2 miles into it, i'm finally calm enough to think. Yes, i was MAD!! 

What I came to, was that noone could break my heart without my permission. That in order for his thoughtlessness to actually HURT me, I would have to agree that either I was wrong, or his actions were correct. Under the circumstances, I could do neither. So I kind of said, to He(( with it... I was sitting down looking at the stars, very clear and beautiful that night when he drove up in the truck. 

He tried every trick in the book to make me mad, but I wasn't taking the bait. Finally I 'made' him tell me he still wanted to go out before I would get in the truck. but I was light and happy and not at all upset about it. I just said I was happy to go out with him if he still wanted to go, but it looked like he wanted some down time after his long day and he was having fun with the baby so i went for a walk and was enjoying the stars. Anything wrong with that honey?  

Well he gnashed his teeth plenty, but couldn't find a purchase. He didn't want to say he still wanted to go out, but that just wasn't going to cut it with me. 

We were going to go to Dave and Busters but they were packed so.. yeah, we went and saw a movie. whee. came straight home, he went to bed and read books, rolling over and ignoring me. whee. what a date.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> The way i figure it now, he owes me about 572 orgasms.  We've been having sex for three years now, where he gets all the O's and I don't get any. According to MT's formula, I got mine coming, dangit  (er, so to speak)


Ahem... You're ahead of me on that one. But if I was in charge, his orgasms would be cancelled until 2019 - now _that's_ what I call semen retention


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

LOL... I would let him off for good behavior sooner or later...

Ah the date... i'll go back and post in the Friday post.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Saturday - My son's birthday party. It went well. I played the 'perfect hostess' all June Cleaver. We had about 20 people over, mostly his friends and family. 

He needed to talk to one of his friends later that night, so we ended up going to watch the UFC fights at his friends house. 

I dressed up again, but in a different style. Used my new wonderful vanilla perfume, and wore a green velvet stretch shirt - low cut, but with little gold coins sewed onto it, very Indian in nature. The females and some of the guys at the party noticed and even one whistled. Good to know i'm not totally invisible! 

Hubby's compliment? On the way there, he mentioned that his aunt said I had lost weight and looked good. He said that he had agreed with her. very offhanded, like something said in passing. "Shirley said you lost weight. I agreed with her"

While we were there, he takes his chair into the "TV" room and watches the fights while i'm in the room behind him (as usual) I didn't have much to do so I played with my cell phone. We got there three hours early, and mostly they talk and drink. All the other guys had their wives and girlfriends next to them, but he made sure I didn't have a spot next to him. I've tried rearranging the chairs, sitting in his chair, sitting in his lap etc. He just moves his chair, makes an excuse to get up and leave, or something like that. Nothing direct, just his usual passive aggressive stuff.

I went into the kitchen and talked with some people and helped make the cookies and salsa. I had a beer or two and watched the fights. After the fights, around 1230, i'm really tired. some people leave, but hubby goes in to play magic. we left for home about 2am. 

On the way out the door, he says 'do we have everything?' and waited for me while i got the chairs, my purse, our jackets and he carried his magic cards. He waited for me to get everything in the back of the truck before he turned it on. He doesn't open doors for me or anything. It's more like I'm a friend or a roommate. he's not 'mean' per say, just doesn't treat me like a woman. He asked if I had a good time. didn't wait for my answer but told me about what he liked about the fights. I agreed with him and we talked a little about the guys that fought. 

Came home, he read and went to sleep - I went off to the office to have an orgasm so I could sleep.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Still keeping my promises. He's showing a little progress. said he loved me on the phone yesterday right before he hung up. is talking to me more. sex is still either all for him or dismal. he's agreed to have some tomorrow. 

we'll see.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

three more days of promises. what i've noticed:

He's being nicer across the board

said he loved me after I did three times this month

played a sex game once this month and seemed to like it

didn't initiate any sex after that and politely got out of it other times

as of the last week, has stopped having 'our' time in the evenings in favor of him reading by himself and going to sleep or spending time loving all over the baby like you would do a gf.

seems pretty happy and content with us - the relationship seems to be where he wants it, light and friendly.


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