# Not doing well



## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

So I have been going through divorce for almost two months now. The the stbex still lives at home with me and the boys I will soon have full custody of. As of lately she had been going out a lot till all hours of the night with her male "friend" who also is going through a divorce. She didn't have a job till recently so she has been using our joint account to fund her nights out. Last week I was down to my last $50 in the account and she asks her mom for money for "gas money" to get to work when really it was to continue going out each night. She leaves me home with the kids any chance she gets. The other night I found out she was hanging out at a house full of 20 something year old guys (she's 30) till 1:30am. 

When she is home she talks to me like we are best friends and I put on a smile and fake like I'm not bothered by what she is doing so she doesn't think I care. I just want to unleash and tell her how much hate her and I want her out of my life. I can't because I don't want my actions to affect the outcome of the divorce as she has already agreed to walk away frm everything once the divorce is final. I'm battling with so much everyday that its eating away at my heart and my mind. How can I go from loving someone so much to wishing I never met them so fast. I look at her and I don't even see the person I married. It's like looking at a complete stranger. I sometimes wonder if she ever loved me t be able to do the things she is doing and then look me in the face and act like we are good old friends. 

Meanwhile I'm stressing out about finances, the added responsibility of taking care of my boys when I'm not at work and finding daycare for them with no extra money to pay for it. It's all becoming to much that I have multiple breakdowns throughout the day. It's so bad some days that its affecting my job. How do I get through this?


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is a process. 

Can you take a pause even for 5 min and do something for you? Something that you want to.

This may sound silly but I never liked cleaning because my spouse always was critical. I found a website that helps you clean 15 min at a time. One day I decided to do the floors just for me. To make my space clean for me and for my daughter. It wasn't perfect but it was clean and I felt good that I did something because I wanted to for the first time. 

Stress is a crazy thing. It can have effects on your eating, sleeping and mental state. Breakdowns happen. They happen for a reason. I run. I use that me time as a stress reliever, my meditation and to process my feelings. I highly recommend it. 

Maybe an afternoon with the boys. You can't change your wife's craziness. You have done well so far (better than me) with managing your outward distain for her poor choices. The less you think of her and move on the better. 

Hugs-- it will eventually pass and you will find yourself in another stage of processing.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Why do you still have a joint account? Close it! Agree that you both contribute towards food and bills and that she finances her nights out from her own money. 
Don't entertain her by listening to her stories - be in bed by the time she gets home. 
Find out when she plans on moving out and focus on making sure that happens. 
Park the worrying when you go to work (easier said than done I know) but focusing on your job will provide a better future for you and your boys in the long run.
A few months can make a huge difference - stay positive.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Trust me, I keep myself busy and it does help but as soon as she walks through the door it's like a reset back to the way I was. That on top of the boy always asking where momma is just brings a tear to my eye cause I know exactly where she is but I just have to say "i don't know". I just look at all the things I have to do now on my own and I can do it easily but I couldn't get her to even do half of it through our whole marriage...it just infuriates me. 

Now she is taking complete advantage of me spending my money on her dates and driving in a new car i'm paying for and sleeping in a cozy bed after her nights out doing whatever with her male "friend". I just can't take the complete disrespect she is showing me while keeping a smile on my face for the sake of being civil. 

Yesterday she told me...flat out told me "dont make any plans for thursday cause i'm going out with my male friend for his birthdy" which i will probably have to fund as well.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The bridges of [email protected] county are nice places to live. Take a scooter ride out there and check them out.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Willowfin said:


> Why do you still have a joint account? Close it! Agree that you both contribute towards food and bills and that she finances her nights out from her own money.
> Don't entertain her by listening to her stories - be in bed by the time she gets home.
> Find out when she plans on moving out and focus on making sure that happens.
> Park the worrying when you go to work (easier said than done I know) but focusing on your job will provide a better future for you and your boys in the long run.
> A few months can make a huge difference - stay positive.


I told her i was going to cut her off and before I had a chance to withdraw the money and put it in another account she transferred my entire checking account into her personal account with her phone. I had to beg her to put it back so my bills got paid. She told me that according to law she has rights to that money till the divorce is final...yeah she plays dirty. So today I opened my own checking account and will be moving all my money to it. As well as changing my direct deposit. 

I don't know why i let what she does get to me...I guess i just feel like i never even mattered to her after all i have give her and it hurts to see how she so easily treats me like crap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Breakingpoint said:


> I told her i was going to cut her off and before I had a chance to withdraw the money and put it in another account she transferred my entire checking account into her personal account with her phone. I had to beg her to put it back so my bills got paid. She told me that according to law she has rights to that money till the divorce is final...yeah she plays dirty. So today I opened my own checking account and will be moving all my money to it. As well as changing my direct deposit.
> 
> I don't know why i let what she does get to me...I guess i just feel like i never even mattered to her after all i have give her and it hurts to see how she so easily treats me like crap.


Have you spoken to an attorney about how to handle your money?

She has a distorted view of money and the divorce process. Of course her distorted view is in her favor.. no surprise there.

She does not have a right to access to all of the money your earn.

Once you file for divorce, you only have to give her whatever money the court orders you to give her.

She has a job. She can live off her own income.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Breakingpoint said:


> I told her i was going to cut her off and before I had a chance to withdraw the money and put it in another account she transferred my entire checking account into her personal account with her phone. I had to beg her to put it back so my bills got paid. She told me that according to law she has rights to that money till the divorce is final...yeah she plays dirty. So today I opened my own checking account and will be moving all my money to it. As well as changing my direct deposit.
> 
> I don't know why i let what she does get to me...I guess i just feel like i never even mattered to her after all i have give her and it hurts to see how she so easily treats me like crap.


In many jurisdictions, she has a right to half the money in your joint account. Not necessarily any future income. You should have opened up that separate checking account the next day and set up your direct deposit, as well as taking out half the money from your joint account.

C


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Stop talking to her about what you 'may or may not' do and get your arse to an attorney. Less passive victim, more assertive businessman.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its definitely past time to separate your money. No way in hell should you be funding her nights out. 

You need to totally detach from her. Cutting her off from YOUR money is first and foremost. Go dark. Stop talking to her like her best friend, instead, be businesslike. Dont ask where she is going, what she is doing, who she is seeing. If anything needs done around the house, just do it instead of discussing. Make your own plans and expect HER to stay home the same as she is doing to you. (do this even if you dont have a plan besides driving in circles for 3 hours) Dont tell her how you feel, what you want, what your plans are. Make it clear that you are expecting her out on a certain date, and make sure it happens if you have to move her sh!t yourself. 

I understand how you are battling, going dark will help you. Focus on yourself and your kids. Its going to be so much better on the other side.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Let me be the one to tell you something you already know. Whoever is requesting the divorce should move out. You are going to continue to struggle until you are separate from her except transferring children.

My WAW was in the process of leaving and everytime I saw her it was a setback. It was not until she was gone and I stopped finding reasons to go to her apartment or have her return to the house did I start to truly heal.

Gutwrenchingly hard but I can guarantee you it is the best step to embracing whatever the rest of your life is going to be.

You can do it, be strong,
Stretch


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

I requested the divorce and there is no way i'm moving out...that is the worst thing I could do is to abandon my kids with her. Plus she has already agreed to leave me everything so the house will be mine when the divorce is final. 

She refuses to move out till everything is settled so she is milking the situation for everything it worth now.

I have been keeping track of her spending on my account and she has agreed to pay back what she has used once she receives her first check from her new job. I have also requested that she pay me for the car and the insurance for it while she is using it.

I hit my last straw this weekend when she went out till 3 am with her man friend and spent $70 in two hours at the bar. Talk about an alcoholic. She wanted to take me out to dinner this friday and I asked her why and she said so we could spend some time together and I said I don't want to spend any more time with you than I have to so no thanks. She seemed a little heart broken but who cares...I'm not in the mood to give a **** now what she feels.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Well things have gotten worse...

We have been arguing and taking stabs at each other for the last few days now. 

While we were going through this she told me she has completely changed her mind about how this divorce is going to go. At the beginning she didn't want anything, no money or property because it was her fault for never making something of her life and her decision to leave was to do just that and I shouldn't be the one to pay for her mistakes. She was in agreement of giving me full physical custody and joint legal custody of the boys until she was able to get on her feet and then she wanted joint custody. She has been working at this new job that doesn't pay very well. She is realizing that she can't live off what she makes on her own and afford a place that the courts will find suitable for her to have the kids stay.

Now she is talking about joint custody and has consulted a lawyer after we agreed to not bring lawyers into it. Also she told me that her parents (who are loaded) offered to pay for her lawyer so she gets what she deserves. I don't make a ton of money...as it is I live check to check and I could never afford a lawyer. This woman has never supported herself a day in her life. She has always been with someone that has payed her way and if she ever need more, mommy and daddy came to her rescue. Now she's going to be taking my hard earned money and possibly my kids.

Is there any way to show this manipulative woman for what she is to the judge or am i just screwed? 

Now she is blaming me for her lack of success cause I supposedly forced her to stay at home to watch my kids. When she gets like this she calls them my kids and not our kids...like she has no responsibility to them as their mom and she's just a babysitter I have to pay.

I supported her in every life decision she made to better herself. when she got pregnant and couldn't be on her feet for 8 hours I told her if she wanted she could leave work for a while. Money would be tight but if I had to I could take on side jobs to make up for the loss of her income...which is what I did. When she wanted to go back to work I supported her...but the only job she could get was a cashier at Walmart or something similar and she said she didn't want to deal with those people so I said ok just keep looking. Then she wanted to go back to school...her parents of course paid for it and she changed her mind two or three times on what she wanted to go for. Then when she finally find her path she decided to have an affair with one of her classmates.

Once that happened I gave up...We went to MC for about six months until we couldn't afford it anymore. She stopped going to school and stopped looking for work. Enter other man from church. She then starts hanging out with this guy not even a year after her affair. Fast forward to about three months ago. Other man files for divorce...one week later my wife approaches me with separation because she has been unhappy for the last two years and she need time apart to find herself. The week after she approaches me with this she's hanging out with other man till all hours of the night. I finally reach my breaking point and said if this is what finding yourself is going to consist of then I just want a divorce. There was no fighting about it...just a fine if that's what you want, ok then.

Since then she's been working so much the boys and I never see her. When she is around she locks herself in her room or leaves and goes to the bar.

I am just sick to my stomach thinking she is going to get away with everything i'm going to be screwed. I just feel so helpless right now and my life is never going to be what I wanted it to be because I made the mistake of marrying a complete fraud of a woman.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How long have you been married?


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

six years...together eight


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

You are a doormat. I know because I was one too - my situation isn't as bad as yours, and there are no children involved. But we are both doormats.

Firstly, I know this is kind of counter intuitive, but you need to have it out with your wife. At the moment you're building it up and you'll snap one day. You're also teaching your kids to avoid conflict and bottle up emotions. They will end up with poor boundaries, and end up as doormats, just like you and I.

Secondly, get out of there, and take the kids with you. If you can't take the kids with you, have the locks changed when she goes out with her "friend". She has brought this on herself and she deserves everything you throw at her.

Unfortunately, the nature of love is that women get bored with nice men. Women will walk all over a man who worships them. Why? Because they can. My wife did it to me and I did everything for her, it sounds like you've done everything for yours, and yours is doing it to you too. 

If you want her to respect you, you need to respect yourself, and that starts by standing up for yourself, and your children. Don't even think about how it effects her - remember she brought this on herself.

When I stood up to my WAW she tried to flip it round, saying I was making her feel guilty, and making her feel like a bad person - and then I felt guilty and like a bad person. Until one day I realised that actually, she SHOULD feel guilty and she IS a bad person.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Breakingpoint said:


> I am just sick to my stomach thinking she is going to get away with everything i'm going to be screwed. I just feel so helpless right now and my life is never going to be what I wanted it to be because I made the mistake of marrying a complete fraud of a woman.


DO NOT give up already! She is not being a mother to the kids, make sure you are documenting every step she takes. Despite what some people think, judges are not blind. She is the one who has destroyed this marriage, and continues to live selfishly. Get with your attorney and find out how you can legally get her out of your house. Its time to stop enabling her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WantWifeBack said:


> You are a doormat. I know because I was one too - my situation isn't as bad as yours, and there are no children involved. But we are both doormats.
> 
> Firstly, I know this is kind of counter intuitive, but you need to have it out with your wife. At the moment you're building it up and you'll snap one day. You're also teaching your kids to avoid conflict and bottle up emotions. They will end up with poor boundaries, and end up as doormats, just like you and I.
> 
> ...


Moving out is terrible legal advice.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Moving out is terrible legal advice.


I'm not a lawyer 

I was looking at it purely from a healing, and taking care of oneself perspective.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

WantWifeBack said:


> I'm not a lawyer
> 
> I was looking at it purely from a healing, and taking care of oneself perspective.


I hope the OP has separated finances.

That stops the partying in its tracks.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Moving out is terrible legal advice.


That's what I heard, So is changing the locks on the house. Correct me if i'm wrong but she has every legal right to stay at our house till the divorce is final.

Maybe someone can help me clear some things up.

I switched my direct deposit to an account in my name only from our joint account...was that a good or bad Idea? She has her paycheck deposited into her own account.

I am still paying the car payment and insurance on her car that I never drive. Do I have to keep allowing her to drive it?

Do I have to financially support her during the divorce process or can I cut off all support. She threatens me with restitution every time she runs out of money and need money for gas. If it's something for the kids I'll just take care of it.

Right now I pay all the bills, child care, groceries, utilities, insurance, car payment and house payment...is it right that she doesn't pay for a thing and still eats the food, uses the car, lives in the house and keeps all her money to herself unless she feels like buying something for the kids?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I hope the OP has separated finances.
> 
> That stops the partying in its tracks.


Definitely - my WAW had plans to go out socialising a lot, go travelling the country and the world, get her own place and so on.

Not so easy on one income living in an expensive part of the country. She's finding that out now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Breakingpoint said:


> I switched my direct deposit to an account in my name only from our joint account...was that a good or bad Idea? She has her paycheck deposited into her own account.


Didn't you find that rather inequitable?



Breakingpoint said:


> I am still paying the car payment and insurance on her car that I never drive. Do I have to keep allowing her to drive it?


If the car is in your name, sell it.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Didn't you find that rather inequitable?
> 
> 
> 
> If the car is in your name, sell it.


I heard that you should not buy or sell any property during the divorce


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

The only thing that is yours during a divorce is assets you acquired before the marriage or assets that you inherited and no you cannot sell something unless you both agree upon it.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You need a lawyer. I know you can't afford one, but the fact is, you can't afford NOT to have one at this point. Beg, borrow, steal, do what you have to do.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

The best thing by and far is to get through these things without attorneys and the huge dollar amounts they command.
I would say this -try and get back on her good side and get through this thing. Like I always say their is plenty of time after the divorce to tell them how you really feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What state do you live in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Breakingpoint said:


> That's what I heard, So is changing the locks on the house. Correct me if i'm wrong but she has every legal right to stay at our house till the divorce is final.
> 
> Maybe someone can help me clear some things up.


That’s right. The home is her legal residence as it is yours. If you lock her out, she can get the police to let her back in and it will make you look bad.

If you were to leave with the children, she can get a judge to order you to return the children to the family home. Not a good situation either.


Breakingpoint said:


> I switched my direct deposit to an account in my name only from our joint account...was that a good or bad Idea? She has her paycheck deposited into her own account.


Having your paycheck going to an account in your name only is wise. Good idea.


Breakingpoint said:


> I am still paying the car payment and insurance on her car that I never drive. Do I have to keep allowing her to drive it?


Whose name is on the title of the car?


Breakingpoint said:


> Do I have to financially support her during the divorce process or can I cut off all support. She threatens me with restitution every time she runs out of money and need money for gas. If it's something for the kids I'll just take care of it.
> 
> Right now I pay all the bills, child care, groceries, utilities, insurance, car payment and house payment...is it right that she doesn't pay for a thing and still eats the food, uses the car, lives in the house and keeps all her money to herself unless she feels like buying something for the kids?


You pay the bills, so you are paying for her to have a place to live, food, utilities, etc. Do not give her a penny unless a court orders you to.

What % of your joint income does she earn?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Breakingpoint said:


> Right now I pay all the bills, child care, groceries, utilities, insurance, car payment and house payment...is it right that she doesn't pay for a thing and still eats the food, uses the car, lives in the house and keeps all her money to herself unless she feels like buying something for the kids?


Keep track of everything that you are paying for during this "separation". You MUST get an attorney! Then have it written into your divorce decree that she repays you for half of these expenses during this time. This is crap what she is doing to you.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

Problem is when your paying all these attorneys fees $180-$250 dollars an hour , who has been paying for juniors school lunch for the last month becomes negligible in a hurry.
I will stand by my advice, try to work this thing with her if at all possible, and work out the things that you can, if something comes up with that you both can't agree on jointly go to an attorney to get advice. Do not go the attorney route unless you have to. 
The first thing my attorney asked me was" is their anyway my stbx and I could get this thing ironed out, I really don't want to take your children's college money."


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> That’s right. The home is her legal residence as it is yours. If you lock her out, she can get the police to let her back in and it will make you look bad.
> 
> If you were to leave with the children, she can get a judge to order you to return the children to the family home. Not a good situation either.
> 
> ...


The car is titled in my name as well as the loan.

Up until a few months ago she hasn't had a job since she was pregnant with our five year old. No money at all is going into the joint account and will be closed soon.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

So I was gone for a week in Florida for work. Thought it would give me some good time to think about things. The only problem was I was constantly thinking what she might be doing while I was gone and It made me very sick and stressed out.

I got home yesterday and I was feeling sick again knowing I had to see her face again. I was so happy to see my boys though. Once they went to bed I had a feeling that she had brought the POSOM to the house. I asked her and she denied it, said I needed to see a shrink. We then got into about why i'm the way I am...that I never wished to think that way about her. She then told me to just stop talking about the relationship and move on...that's what shes doing.

I then went out to my garage and started cleaning and it dawned on me...I was dwelling on the past...and I think it was because there was a part of me that wanted us to fix our relationship. So I need to learn how to move on. I really do think I need to see a specialist with everything I'm dealing with and how to handle it. My friends would just take me out and get me drunk...that doesn't help.

I also told her I would appreciate it if her parents kept their money out of our divorce cause its between us and they don't need to be getting involved. She said you are just saying that because you're scared cause you cant afford a lawyer. It's not the only reason but yes I am scared, who wouldn't be? Afraid of possibly loosing so much of the things I worked so hard for. She then said the stuff YOU worked for? I then said: I know you don't want to think this but I could still have all the stuff I have now without you...obviously not the kids.

I need to find a way to get me through this...I'm about to have a breakdown.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I would find it very hard to move on when your living with your biggest problem.
Sounds like living with this woman is taking its toll on you, she really sounds messed up. 
You need to vent, and come up with some solutions to cope with all this. Counseling may be just what you need.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

@BreakingPoint: It was only after the home situation got bad that I could finally understand how people turned to drugs or alcohol or suicide to get out of their situation. It sucks, it gave me more grey hair than I ever expected to have at this age. But once you figure out how to deal with it, it gets better. I second on the counselling, especially if you don't have anyone you can confide in; it may be able to help you see the path you want to follow.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Gulfwarvet, there are times when it's better to work on the divorce without an attorney. From the sounds of breakingpoint's wife, this is not one of those times. She is totally unreasonable and untrustworthy. 

Breakingpoint, we can give you advice and send you positive thoughts but you are the one who has to stand up for yourself. GET LEGAL ADVICE! And yes, I'm shouting. You cannot trust her. Do not take legal advice from this site. There are so many different laws depending on where you live that only someone who knows your areanand is experienced can give you the proper advice. 
With regards to you having a breakdown, you are in control of that. You have a choice. Stay down and beaten or decide that you are worthy of being treated better than she treats you and that your kids are deserving of a happy home. She won't provide it. But you can. Pull your socks up and get to work on what is best for you and the kids. As others have said, treat her in a business-like manner, just discuss the facts of the divorce, don't listen to what she does on her own time, even if you have to cover your ears and sing while she's talking.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

It certainly doesn't hurt to get legal advice on the side, but get them corresponding with the other attorney and its about guaranteed your going to get into a full fledged legal battle.
-Its said put attorney alone in a town and he/she will starve, put two attorneys in a town and they will clean the town out.


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## Breakingpoint (Jan 21, 2013)

Thanks for all the help, I have a lawyer that I talked to last year when she cheated on me and I was considering divorce. I will be consulting him this week just to see how my situation looks.

I have been keeping to myself for the last few days and just interacting with my boys. I have found a therapist that I will be going to see next week hopefully. If it was just the divorce I was dealing with I might be ok but there are financial issues that a piling up too and it's all getting to be to much. Especially when I have no help from her at all.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I feel for you. I went through a quite time, in the midst of my divorce I was in business in an industry where a lot of people were going broke.
I heard it mentioned that sometimes it has get the darkest before you see the light and there seems to be a lot of truth to it.
I don't know if your a person of faith or not ,but I had a pastor that I became friends with shortly before my world came tumbling down and it really helped me get through it.


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