# Confused



## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

I have been married for about a year and half. I haven't known my new husband before we were married, but our sex life in the beginning was great. For the past 6 months I feel he is not interested. I'm the type of person I would not complain if we weren't having intimacy. Reason for that is from my previous marriage. Anyhow, I married to a loving husband, but what throws me into confusion is he says to me sex is not his main priority, what he needs is affection from me. Holding my hand and hugs and kisses. I'm o.k. with that. More than a few times he has mention to me his sexually needs. I take them into consideration and I try to be playful. We will have intercourse for the past 6 months at least once a month. He will mention afterwards that he needs it more than that. I will agree no problem. We start off being playful than he rejects me. Than I become distance from him and not sure what he wants from me. We get along great. We don't have any conflict. Being rejected I just remain content until he is ready and it could be more than 30 days. Then he will express his need to me once again and also how he needs it more than that. I'm thinking inside every time I try you seem to reject me. I become distance and afraid of rejection so than I just let it go until he is ready. I'm not really sure what to do. I try to communicate this with him, but he seems uninterested in what I have to say. I don't want to live like this but I'm willing to keep silent.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to communicate with him how you are feeling and that he has not expressed his needs in this area. It is possible he wants you to initiate more often and not for him to initiate all the time?

Talk to him.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

truthseeker46 said:


> I have been married for about a year and half. I haven't known my new husband before we were married, but our sex life in the beginning was great. For the past 6 months I feel he is not interested. I'm the type of person I would not complain if we weren't having intimacy. Reason for that is from my previous marriage. Anyhow, I married to a loving husband, but what throws me into confusion is he says to me sex is not his main priority, what he needs is affection from me. Holding my hand and hugs and kisses. I'm o.k. with that. More than a few times he has mention to me his sexually needs. I take them into consideration and I try to be playful. We will have intercourse for the past 6 months at least once a month. He will mention afterwards that he needs it more than that. I will agree no problem. We start off being playful than he rejects me. Than I become distance from him and not sure what he wants from me. We get along great. We don't have any conflict. Being rejected I just remain content until he is ready and it could be more than 30 days. Then he will express his need to me once again and also how he needs it more than that. I'm thinking inside every time I try you seem to reject me. I become distance and afraid of rejection so than I just let it go until he is ready. I'm not really sure what to do. I try to communicate this with him, but he seems uninterested in what I have to say. I don't want to live like this but *I'm willing to keep silent*.


Sex is one of the hardest things to maintain compatibility with. It seems easy when hormones are running the show, then things get tough. Every relationship is going to have some misalignment between drives and sexual needs. We have to look at this as if we are two puzzle pieces trying to mesh. Generally, it is the man trying to be the one putting the pieces together (not exclusively). As such, men are typically the ones that voice the concern that you have: being rejected. We should not see sex as a must everytime it is voiced. Sometimes "she" is not in the mood and sometimes "he" is not in the mood (or MM FF). To not take it so personally, we have to look at the underlying reasons one is not in the mood. Then, it is much more understandable.

Perhaps he doesn't fully understand his arousal. Either way, you two simply need to get on the same page.

I know that women tend to not respond well to being groped and/or asked for sex. We need to be in mutual states of mind, if at all possible.

DON"T KEEP SILENT. Just talk to him. If you have trouble, then just resort to asking questions 80% of the time. His opinions and desires are okay and don't have to be "bad" just because they don't mesh with you. It is important to get everything on the table so that both of you can mesh puzzle pieces.

:wink2:


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Being silent is not the solution. 
He is your husband. Pour your heart out to him.
Keeping it to yourself will only harm both of you and your marriage.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The next time your husband says that he needs sex more often, ask him these questions.
1. How often? How many times per week or month?
2. Do you want me to initiate sex? If so how often?
3. How do you want me to imitate sex with you? Describe some fantasy ways and describe some average every day ways that would make you respond?

Then after you get exact answers, and after you've had a chance to judge if his answers are something you can live with, explain to him what your answers are to the same questions above.

It is okay if your answers are very different from his. Once you both understand what the other person wants, you can then negotiate and compromise in order to meet one another's needs for sex, for affection, for intimacy, for novelty, and even for wild and crazy fantasy hotel sex. 

Two people are not to be come the SAME person, they are to KNOW one another and compliment each other.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you both have issues. Get into MC and see if you can work on them. You probably both are broken people that shouldn't have gotten married again so soon.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

truthseeker46 said:


> He will mention afterwards that he needs it more than that.


Odds are that HE is afraid of you rejecting him (perhaps he developed this from his past relationships) and is afraid to initiate. So in other words, if he really wants it more often, he is only wanting it at the times that he is wanting you to want him. Then either the urge subsides, or he is secretly masturbating. 

But once a month? Yes... Something gives here!

Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Being silent is not the solution.
> He is your husband. Pour your heart out to him.
> Keeping it to yourself will only harm both of you and your marriage.


If you want to be passive aggressively silent in a way that may actually help, here is an idea. Get a remote control vibrator. Place it under his pillow and set it off at a random time while he is taking a nap or something. Then once he finds it pretend to get all embarrassed, and say that it is your "mood sensing vibrator." Say something must have set it off, and that you had forgotten that you left it there. Then take it away from your husband and run hide it as fast as you can. Come back less than a minute later and deny that anything happened and act as if your husband is crazy in the event he is asking you questions, but at the same time pretend to be really interested in his idea of you two playing with a vibrator!

Human sexuality does NOT like to follow rules. Instead it prefers to be shy, creative, and play cat & mouse games. You want him to begin "thinking and wondering" about you in a sexual way, and subsequently "pursuing" his thoughts about you to learn more. If you make this playful, he will start chasing you around the house. You just have to cross your fingers that he will know what to do with you when he catches you!

Badsanta


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Could be he never knows when sex will happen and he knows you don't really care about sex. So he could be a bit frustrated on the one hand but also taking care of himself in (with) the other. I think that's a common pattern - but if you "suddenly" initiate and he has no more rounds in the chamber, then what? Maybe he stops masturbating, then waits... but then is frustrated anyway.

My point is it could be anything - you both seem to be interested in pleasing the other but aren't being forthright.

So I agree with others here - get mundane for a while - set up a schedule - saying here is what we'll try, but it's not binding and either can change the schedule but should let the other one know several hours in advance so as to avoid confusion and resentment.

Then be more intimate than you're used to until you are more comfortable talking about it 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'd be curious as to when he says that he needs it more often since I have had a similar problem with my wife.

Invariably once we have finished having sex, while still laying in bed sweating, she'll say "we have to do that more often". Yet any attempt to get her to "do that more often" fails. I think what is said in the afterglow of sex probably loses some impact an hour/day/week later.

As others said, you have to communicate with him. Find out what "more often" really means.


----------



## truthseeker46 (Nov 19, 2016)

Interesting, it has been right afterwards. Thanks for sharing.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I'd like to know what is your nationality or race. If you don't mind me asking? 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


----------

