# They leave you for someone else, what happens to them when that relationship ends?



## Cinema79

Before you jump down my throat, and say thing like "MOVE ON" or "dude, get over her", or "she's not your problem anymore", or "find another girl" and believe me, I've heard them all, I want an opinion on something.

I was basically left for another guy - a co-worker of hers who made better money than me. They immediately started dating after it was finalized. They had worked together for years. I stood no chance.

But what happens when that relationship ends? Or the rebound relationship dies? Do you they ever feel guilt over what they have done? Do they ever come crawling back? Who has had experience with this?


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## arbitrator

*Don't be at all surprised if she does! It's just human nature, I'm afraid!

It appears that you were her "insurance policy" until she found something better! Obviously she did, and now in her eyes you are totally expendable! If she falters, would she come back? That's likely answerable only if and when she gets dumped, and that she crawls right back to you, checking to see if that "insurance policy of love" that she has had on you is, indeed, still in force, sensing of course, that you still care for her when nobody else does!

Do the 180 now and save yourself added heartache. Don't give her the pleasure of darkening your doorstep ever again. There's someone out there who will love you for the man who you are!

She absolutely doesn't deserve you!*


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## tulsy

Cinema79 said:


> Before you jump down my throat, and say thing like "MOVE ON" or "dude, get over her", or "she's not your problem anymore", or "find another girl" and believe me, I've heard them all, I want an opinion on something.
> 
> I was basically left for another guy - a co-worker of hers who made better money than me. They immediately started dating after it was finalized. They had worked together for years. I stood no chance.
> 
> But what happens when that relationship ends? Or the rebound relationship dies? Do you they ever feel guilt over what they have done? Do they ever come crawling back? Who has had experience with this?


Ya, it's possible, she could come crawling back....which would make you plan B. That would mean that you're not really who she wanted to be with. It means she really wanted things to work out with the other guy, but since it didn't, she thinks you're a sucker and will take her back anytime, even though she doesn't really want to be with you....like, "you'll do for now" till someone better comes along....but she won't tell you that this is the plan. She would play it like "I made a mistake, now I realize how much I love you"....and other BS speak.

Another scenario is that it doesn't work out with OM but she still doesn't want to go back to you. She finds another new guy to dote on her. This can happen too, over and over again.

But of course, she and OM may work out in the long run, have a happy marriage with kids, big house, pool, nice cars, fancy lifestyle....and who cares? What are you gonna do? All you can control is yourself. You gotta take care of you. Focus on your life, your health, your fitness, what drives you. Hobbies, new and old, travelling, what do you do for fun? Career opportunities, etc.

If you read around you'll see that these behaviors and scenarios are very common. Don't even think of being someones plan B. You deserve to be with someone who see's you as plan A.


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## LongWalk

Are you 35 now? Not too late to find somebody new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinema79

LongWalk said:


> Are you 35 now? Not too late to find somebody new.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


35 next year. I know it isn't, but it's tough to find someone. Everyone seems to be taken. The ones who aren't, I don't seem to have much in common with.


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## Freak On a Leash

When you don't care what happens to them then you are good to go.


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## jnj express

97% of A relationships FAIL

Are you in a small population area----that would make it tuff---if you are in a decent size population area----get involved in a hobby or sport that interests you-----you will find females with the same interest, and eventually you will hook-up


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## Dedicated2Her

Cinema79 said:


> 35 next year. I know it isn't, but it's tough to find someone. Everyone seems to be taken. The ones who aren't, I don't seem to have much in common with.


You are going to have to expand your boundries, and you are going to have to stop thinking about it. Just work on you, gain friends, do fun stuff, and it will happen in it's own time. Then, you know it is real and not done out of lonliness or codependency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Two women have left me for someone else. They both tried to come crawling back after their Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong. I don't stick my hand in the same fire twice and I'm not interested in being anyone's backup plan. That's been nearly 30 years ago and both have consistently had failed, miserable relationships. 50% of what's wrong with any failed relationship is you and if you don't fix that, it really doesn't matter which partner you hook up with.


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## Mavash.

What I've observed in friends/family by the time the WS comes crawling back the BS has already moved on.


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## Cinema79

unbelievable said:


> Two women have left me for someone else. They both tried to come crawling back after their Mr. Right turned out to be Mr. Wrong.


What was the length of time of those relationships that your women had with the other man?

You see, I'm not recovered yet. Her relationship has been roughly going on with this guy anywhere from 6 to 10 months and I didn't know about him until after our divorce was finalized. She hid it well. Apparently, and I'm not even close to being over her - despite counseling, traveling, work, and dating two women over the course of this spring and summer. I am going to get burned if she decides to reach out to me - I'm way too vulnerable still.


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## whitehawk

But really although your not over her yet , try not to worry about a burn, it hasn't even happened yet and it might never happen. So your worrying about a hypothetical . 
And besides , chances are if she did crawl back at some later time at this stage now, you'd have moved on by then anyway.


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## unbelievable

Cinema79 said:


> What was the length of time of those relationships that your women had with the other man?
> 
> You see, I'm not recovered yet. Her relationship has been roughly going on with this guy anywhere from 6 to 10 months and I didn't know about him until after our divorce was finalized. She hid it well. Apparently, and I'm not even close to being over her - despite counseling, traveling, work, and dating two women over the course of this spring and summer. I am going to get burned if she decides to reach out to me - I'm way too vulnerable still.


I believe one was about 2 years and the other just a few months. If she came back tomorrow, buck naked, wrapped in a bow, what would you have? A lying, cheating heifer you can't trust? Is that likely to add anything to your life that you'd want?


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## whitehawk

l always wonder what becomes of another type of leaver.

She leaves because she thinks things were bad but when infact all she had to do was a little bit of work on it instead of quitting.
l mean there are those marriages that were just plain no good. 
But there are those too that were basically very good marriages and could've easily recovered from a few yrs of hard times with a bit of work and persistence. The marriages l believe that is what vows are for , to fight on another day, ride out the bumpy times .
What happens to the ones that don't though, instead they go and find something they think is less bumpy - for now !


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## Married but Happy

OP, you're making unwarranted assumptions that a) the relationship will end, and b) that if it does, she'll want to come back to you.

It's not helpful or productive to think about something that may never happen. It's time to move on and focus on your future.


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## Jellybeans

Cinema79 said:


> Do you they ever feel guilt over what they have done? Do they ever come crawling back? Who has had experience with this?


They may or may not. There is absolutely no way to tell as every experience is different. 

I think usually once a relationship ends, especially in that fashion, there is hardly any going back.


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## FeministInPink

I gave a lot of thought to this question when I first found out my STBXH was seeing another woman. I was struggling a lot, because emotionally I wanted him back, but rationally I knew that I was better off without him. I knew that I should move on and just focus on healing myself, growing, and moving on with my life, but there was a little emotional part of me that said, "But what about when he gets tired of this girl and he realizes what he's done? If he comes back to me, I don't want to be with some other person, blah, blah, blah." And even though the rational part of me was like, _Be serious, that is not going to happen_, the emotional part of me kept plugging away and insisting that it was possible.

Until YESTERDAY. Something just clicked for me, and I realized, *I DON'T CARE. Whatever he does later, whatever happens to him, if he is dumb enough to marry this girl, or if she's smart enough to dump his ass, I DON'T CARE. It has nothing to do with me, and I've got more important things to be wondering about what he is or isn't going to do, because I don't really care.*

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what the person does when their relationship with the AP ends, because it's the WS's problem - not yours. And you've got better things to do than worry about it.


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## Jellybeans

Spot on, FeministinPink


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## FeministInPink

Jellybeans said:


> Spot on, FeministinPink


It's my mantra right now, I think. I was telling my friend about this last night, and she was like, "That's awesome, but you might still have some emotional roller-coastering left in you, so when that happens, keep repeating that to yourself."

Well, no roller-coastering yet! I'm still feeling really good about it, and I think I have turned a definitive corner. I'm not looking behind me anymore - I'm focusing on looking forward, and enjoying the scenery on my new street 

(My new metaphorical street. I didn't actually move or anything.)


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## CEL

One of the hardest things about being left is that they may in fact be with someone that will last. People fall in love and people fall out of love. We like people one day and hate them the next. The saddest part is that it is two people and rarely do both fall out of love at the same time so someone is going to get hurt. No two ways around that.

I think the important thing is to understand as it has been stated that the person has chosen not to be with you. Now I am not saying you have to be happy for them or even not hate them. I am just saying that like all relationships some last some don't and that is just life. More important than that is that you understand that the only person who will really always give you not only what you want but what you deserve is yourself. That is the most important relationship you can have the one with yourself.

X's come and go. Hell people come and go even friends but you always remain. There is comfort in that if you are willing to see it.


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## Cinema79

You know, I almost feel like confronting her on all of this - in fact I could be seeing her in three weeks because she'll be at my office building as rep for her company at some career fair - and my office is literally 20 ft. away from where she'll be standing. She's been in my building twice this year already and I've taken the other exit to avoid seeing her. 

She doesn't even know that I know of her doing this behind my back. As far as she's concerned, she thinks I think she's a saint. 

I was told by one of her co-workers (who is not her friend) that saw me this past summer at a party, the expression on her face when she saw me (the look of shock and curiosity) told the whole story. And as I cycle back through my memories, I remember her co-workers all giving me the same look whenever I would show up with her at her company holiday parties. 

This guy was friends with all of her co-workers, so it seems like they all knew but just couldn't tell me.


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## FeministInPink

Cinema79 said:


> You know, I almost feel like confronting her on all of this - in fact I could be seeing her in three weeks because she'll be at my office building as rep for her company at some career fair - and my office is literally 20 ft. away from where she'll be standing. She's been in my building twice this year already and I've taken the other exit to avoid seeing her.
> 
> She doesn't even know that I know of her doing this behind my back. As far as she's concerned, she thinks I think she's a saint.
> 
> I was told by one of her co-workers (who is not her friend) that saw me this past summer at a party, the expression on her face when she saw me (the look of shock and curiosity) told the whole story. And as I cycle back through my memories, I remember her co-workers all giving me the same look whenever I would show up with her at her company holiday parties.
> 
> This guy was friends with all of her co-workers, so it seems like they all knew but just couldn't tell me.


She's not worth it, Bro. Not worth it. You think it will make you feel good, but it won't.


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## Jellybeans

Cinema79 said:


> You know, I almost feel like confronting her on all of this


Just say no.
Do not pass Go.
Do not collect $200.
Do not confront her.

Nothing good will come of it.

She CHOSE To be with someone else. That's the bottom line. Nothing you can do or say is going to change the fact she CHOSE this. 

You will only make it worse for yourself if you try to "confront" her. It makes you sound desperate, grasping at strings, like a man who doesn't respect himself (if you do in fact go through with it).

So the best reaction is NO reaction. She wanted out and to be with someone else -- LET HER GO.


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## Hardtohandle

I'm going to sort of agree with Cinema. If telling her something will make you feel good and get it off your chest then by all means do so. But just make sure you're not expecting anything back in a positive response. 

For about a year my wive's simple complaint after I caught her having this affair and subsequently leaving me was I was on the computer. Her last statement about this was as follows and I quote " If you werent on the computer till 4am like a 18 year old kid". 

The odd part about this is she never complained about it once.. ever. you think she would tell me get off or something. 

Coming back to Cinema issues, reading his other thread I get that he sort of figured out that his was was actually having an affair and divorced him because of it. The thing is Cinema didn't know until he was divorced about the affair. 

So I can understand what he wants to say. 

For me every time we discussed our divorce and her affair it was always me saying we made mistakes and such. But my Ex always was looking to point the finger. I just didn't see it that she wasn't taking blame herself. Especially since I caught her 3 other time looking to have an affair. Nutshell I had the affair because of what you did. But she never seen how caring or big hearted I was to forgive her all those other times. 

I was recently able to bring this up to her and let her know how unperfect she was. Even if she didn't care to hear it. I know one day she will regret it and I want to make it clear to her I know she will regret it and I won't forget it. 

So I can see Cinema looking to clear the air with his Ex of this undiscovered business. 

I don't think she should walk away knowing or thinking she pulled the wool over his eyes either..


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## CEL

Cinema79 said:


> You know, I almost feel like confronting her on all of this - in fact I could be seeing her in three weeks because she'll be at my office building as rep for her company at some career fair - and my office is literally 20 ft. away from where she'll be standing. She's been in my building twice this year already and I've taken the other exit to avoid seeing her.
> 
> She doesn't even know that I know of her doing this behind my back. As far as she's concerned, she thinks I think she's a saint.
> 
> I was told by one of her co-workers (who is not her friend) that saw me this past summer at a party, the expression on her face when she saw me (the look of shock and curiosity) told the whole story. And as I cycle back through my memories, I remember her co-workers all giving me the same look whenever I would show up with her at her company holiday parties.
> 
> This guy was friends with all of her co-workers, so it seems like they all knew but just couldn't tell me.



This is bad juju man. Here is the deal anything you say you are hoping for some reaction from her. Oh maybe not know but in the future like she will get how great you are someday and reflect back on your words. Yeah that just is not going to happen. Our ego's are great at justifying anything we want to do and hers is going to do just that. She will not take your words to heart. She will not someday see the light. Instead you will be reinforcing for her why she left you. All you are doing in trying to connect again under the illusion of closure. You want to talk to her. You want a reaction. You want her to realize you are a great guy and she never should of left. You want her to realize she is at fault. When you want something from someone else you are really seeking outside validation for yourself and that my friend almost never works out.

You know the truth of the matter. You know who is at fault. That should be enough for you. if it is not you need to look inside and find out why not try to get something from another person. The point is not that she cheated on you. The point is that she decided to find another person to be with and she may very well be happier with that person then she was with you. I know that sounds harsh but well people change in what they want and need from other people.

To me it looks like you are right she may have been cheating for a long time but you are hoping for a miracle if you think she is going to ever realize she did you wrong. Even if this current thing does not work out she will just justify the cheating to herself like I said the ego is really good at that.


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## angelpixie

You do have a right to tell her how you feel. You can do whatever you want -- but like everyone has said: look at your REAL motives for wanting to confront her. Is it just because you want to unload some of your feelings or because you are really wanting her to change her heart? If it's the former, just write it out in a letter. Sit on it for a few days and see if you really want to send it to her. Maybe you do. Thing is, doing it this way won't have you watching her face or body language to see if you're 'getting through to her.' It really will be just getting those feelings out to her and letting it go. You won't even know how she reacted or if she read the letter. It would just be about you getting it out and releasing it. If after a few days wait you decide you don't want to really send it to her, you can have a little ceremony of burning the letter and letting the feelings go. 

If you truly want to just let her know your thoughts and feelings, then a letter might work. But I agree with the others who say that a face-to-face is a bad idea.


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## Cinema79

I really need to clear the air about something here.

First, I have no real way of telling if my wife got with this guy during our marriage. In fact, I don't see how she could unless she was with him on their lunch breaks, but she always had a habit of calling me at my office around noon to see how I was or what we wanted to do for dinner. She would always come home around 5:30pm from work - her co-workers didn't like her enough to invite to the bar afterwards. She was the Debbie Downer of her department.

Second, we weren't having sex at all in our brief three year marriage. She had major depression and massive weight gain, was on meds that killed her libido, and felt unsexy. I don't see how she could lend herself to another man during this time. 

Third, this guy has worked at the company for close to 8 years, beginning in 2005. She recruits for his department and she has worked there for 6 years, beginning in 2007. I began working at that company in 2006 and left in 2008. They have known each other a long time, but she went after me first because...her quote...."you were hot and smart". 

Fourth, I ASKED to separate in March 2012. I was madly in love with her still, but she was verbally abusive, neglectful, and an emotional train wreck. She became almost this liability in my life and I don't know why she was just so brutal to me. In my heart, I know I loved her, but she was not reciprocating those feelings to me in any way. I was so very hurt by her behavior and wanted her to love herself, get healthy, and bring that back into our relationship. 

I think on one hand, society, church, and her parents wanted her to stay in the marriage (her parents loved me), but her heart wasn't in it a year after we exchanged vows. 

We lived under the same roof until September 2012 because we couldn't sell our house. She watched my every move during this period. She never left the house...but she didn't even attempt to reconcile. I think in July she presented me with the filing papers to sign.

August 2012 she goes through massive weight loss due to "stress" (her words). Wouldn't the stress of separation hit earlier? And not so late during after the our decision to split? 

September 2012 she cries as I leave the house for the last time. I kiss her on the head and hug her. That night, I text her "I will always love you, Jessica". She sends nothing back.

October 2012 she is back to her wedding weight and cruel to me at the bank. We are not finalized as far as divorce goes.

November 9, 2012 - divorce day. I felt something was off about her when we sat next to each other in the courthouse, and I had this sixth sense when looking at her that wreaked of sexual promiscuity. It was her body language, posture, etc. Sometimes you can just feel these things. And I began to feel nauseous.

She deleted me on Facebook literally 30 minutes after the divorce proceedings. :scratchhead: I did not call her or text her until the following March. I went ghost - but I thought about her a lot. 

I had a feeling, that as soon as she moved out of our house and in with a married couple, that he was in the picture. He is friends with that married couple. So technically, she was still married to me when that relationship started.

The weight loss (which she did for me to seduce me in the beginning), and coldness all coincided with her getting with him as soon I wasn't in her presence any more. 

But who am I kidding here? Relationships like this just don't happen overnight. I would venture that he had put the moves on her sometime during our marriage. She found what he made per year, and she immediately got buyer's remorse with me, and start envisioning what it would be like to be with him. So, in turn, she shut down and got depressed about her life and started devaluing me. 

Hypothetically, she would not talk to me about this guy who was hitting on her. She would if he was creep. But, she obviously liked him or liked what he could do for her, so she had to keep her feelings inside and try keep our charade going.

The woman who revealed the identity of her new man to me in June of this year noticed that they had begun showing up in Facebook photos together sometime in February 2013. But what is odd is that the new man was creeping my linkedin account in mid-June, this is only because I started a linkedin account around this time, so he actively searched me out to get a good look at me. I also noticed, about a month after my ex-wife found out me getting with another woman in June, that he started visiting my personal URL on a frequent basis (I tracked the IP back to his home address because I was curious why this location was so into what I was doing). 

In early March 2013 I had to see her again. Some of the last words she ever said to my face were:

*"Thank god you had the balls to end it. I don't know how you did it."*

- and -

"It just wasn't right"

That night, I told her that I still cared about her, and that this divorce was tough on me. When I told her, "our relationship could have worked, I realize what we did wrong" I remember her slowly shaking her head in most calculated, condescending way. 

She was like this stranger to me...she looked so...evil and cold. Even in our worst moments before and after divorce, I could not bring myself to hate her. Maybe I'm wired differently, but I can't turn off feelings like that and purposely hurt someone else. She knew I was down about the divorce, and she took it as an opportunity to push the dagger deeper.

It is at this point she rubbed it in my face she was "seeing someone". This hurt the most. Here is a woman who could barely hug her husband, a guy who was very attracted to her, and she's sleeping with some guy from her job. Doing all the wonderful things and feeling sexual again - but couldn't be bothered to fix her libido, until AFTER I was gone. I have cried over the idea of her sleeping with someone else so many times. They probably had sex more times in first three weeks of dating than we had in our three years of marriage. 

It makes me feel like the most worthless piece of garbage. 

I guess the whole point of this thread is wondering how you can go through something as big as marriage, and just quit on a person that fast? What makes him so special, so immune to her feeling like _he_ doesn't stack up? What makes him so worthy of her love?

Do I want to confront her? I have the opportunity to do so in a few weeks. I've had fantasies about doing it. I still have my wedding ring. I often feel like walking up to her and giving it back to her without saying a word. Or making very deep eye contact with her and simply saying: "Thanks for cheating on me"....because it is becoming a little more clear that she most likely had an EA.

It accomplishes nothing. If she ever really did love me, she would have fought and cried and begged for me to not leave. She just went into hiding and stewed. Nothing I say will matter.


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## angelpixie

Cinema79 said:


> It accomplishes nothing... Nothing I say will matter.


^^^It all boils down to this, Cinema. 

If she's condescending to you now, why wouldn't she be if you hand her back the ring? Or confront her on cheating? It only hurts you. Don't add to your hurt. I'd amend my earlier post and suggest you writing it all out and just burning it. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing that you're still even thinking about her. It will just feed her ego.


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## Paradise

Cinema, I didn't read every word of this thread but I read most of your last post. Sounds like your ex has moved on. Why aren't you? The best thing I did for myself was stop thinking about my ex. I had to constantly remind myself to drop the conversations in my head. I wanted to say something....Lots of things....and I kept replaying it over and over again in my head, inventing scenarios in which I would confront her about various acts of betrayal. 

I never did and I'm damn glad I didn't. After awhile by forcing myself to think of something else when she popped into my head the thoughts eventually just went away. Move on. Quit worrying about what you think she did. Doesn't matter anymore and it isn't going to change anything. All you are doing is living in the past when you spend that much energy on someone who doesn't give a squirt of pee about you.


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## Decorum

She does not deserve your respect, and love without respect is a sick needy love. Women are often repulsed by this neediness.

If you want to convince her that the divorce was the best option then yes confront her and pledge your everlasting love.

Or 

Learn to respect and love yourself, and feel that you deserve better,

I wish you well, take care!


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## whitehawk

But it's strange really. Because you can say orr, they're happy , they're working out.
But really , that depends doesn't it. Maybe in 10 yrs time you can still say that , but say you were together 18yrs then they have to at least pass that 18 and then some before you can truly have any real idea .


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## Cinema79

I haven't moved on. I still have that hollow feeling. My therapist said that's just going to take some time for me because I have the ability to develop deep emotional ties to others. 

I'm not going to take time out of my work day to go and confront her while she's working at a recruiting fair. That would be deliberate and dumb. 

Even though I come off crazy in these rantings on this thread, I just use this place to vent. It's better to get it off my chest here than to do something stupid with pent up emotions and look like a complete fool. 

I know my boundaries. I gave this woman a ton of space after our divorce and while we were separated. I thought this was necessary to do. I am different than anyone she has been with. Every one of her boyfriends cried, pleaded, and asked her to take them back. She has always done the dumping. I NEVER did this. I never sent a bunch of dumb texts and voice mails to her. It took incredible restraint to do this. 

I NEVER SAID "Jessica, I want you back".

My worst moment was expressing some concern about her this past March. I should've given a crap. But no, I was raised right. I was taught to love, support, and reach out to those who I care about - but I should have never exposed myself this way. 

If the roles were reversed, and she came to me that day using the same words I said to her, I would have hugged her and let her talk it out. I don't inflict pain on vulnerable people.

Here's an example of something I did for her WHILE we were separated. She was laying on the couch, crying her eyes out. She had applied to a job in Chicago, got interviewed as a finalist, and didn't get it. I actually had the guts to walk over to her and take a seat and tell her that things were going to get better and she'll get another opportunity. I damn near coddled that women while separated and even cooked her meals. 

I could have told her to fvck off, and sometimes I wish I would have. 

Enough. I'm going to bed.


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## whitehawk

Cinema79 said:


> I haven't moved on. I still have that hollow feeling. My therapist said that's just going to take some time for me because I have the ability to develop deep emotional ties to others.
> 
> I'm not going to take time out of my work day to go and confront her while she's working at a recruiting fair. That would be deliberate and dumb.
> 
> Even though I come off crazy in these rantings on this thread, I just use this place to vent. It's better to get it off my chest here than to do something stupid with pent up emotions and look like a complete fool.
> 
> I know my boundaries. I gave this woman a ton of space after our divorce and while we were separated. I thought this was necessary to do. I am different than anyone she has been with. Every one of her boyfriends cried, pleaded, and asked her to take them back. She has always done the dumping. I NEVER did this. I never sent a bunch of dumb texts and voice mails to her. It took incredible restraint to do this.
> 
> I NEVER SAID "Jessica, I want you back".
> 
> My worst moment was expressing some concern about her this past March. I should've given a crap. But no, I was raised right. I was taught to love, support, and reach out to those who I care about - but I should have never exposed myself this way.
> 
> If the roles were reversed, and she came to me that day using the same words I said to her, I would have hugged her and let her talk it out. I don't inflict pain on vulnerable people.
> 
> Here's an example of something I did for her WHILE we were separated. She was laying on the couch, crying her eyes out. She had applied to a job in Chicago, got interviewed as a finalist, and didn't get it. I actually had the guts to walk over to her and take a seat and tell her that things were going to get better and she'll get another opportunity. I damn near coddled that women while separated and even cooked her meals.
> 
> I could have told her to fvck off, and sometimes I wish I would have.
> 
> Enough. I'm going to bed.



C , that's cool mate , that's what we're here for .
And you can be damn proud of you for not grovelling into her lap like the other x's did then to


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## tulsy

Paradise said:


> ...Sounds like your ex has moved on. Why aren't you? The best thing I did for myself was stop thinking about my ex. I had to constantly remind myself to drop the conversations in my head. I wanted to say something....Lots of things....and I kept replaying it over and over again in my head, inventing scenarios in which I would confront her about various acts of betrayal.
> 
> I never did and I'm damn glad I didn't. After awhile by forcing myself to think of something else when she popped into my head the thoughts eventually just went away. Move on. Quit worrying about what you think she did. Doesn't matter anymore and it isn't going to change anything. All you are doing is living in the past when you spend that much energy on someone who doesn't give a squirt of pee about you.


:iagree: THIS

You gotta stop obsessing over this chick...let me quote _Forgetting Sarah Marshall_....

"....it's like the Sopranos....IT'S OVER....find a new show."

I know what it's like. After my marriage failed I went through hell too. It really sucks, but the only thing that got me through it was ME. I had to start taking care of me. 

I started exercising again EVERYDAY, eating great, cooking quality meals every night, often inviting someone over to join me for dinner. 
I would hang out with friends, or have small parties/get-together's, go to concerts, watch every UFC with friends, go to comedy clubs, go to the movies, go out to local pubs, get on POF, go to work every day, but also go on holiday's (vegas is great for 4 days, go see so shows, or go to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, etc.)etc.

You gotta DO stuff. Don't worry about "what if's", become a YES MAN (in fact, go watch that movie tonight). Be ready for any good time, and treat yourself how you want to be treated.

Keep on movin', bud. Don't stop and don't look back. Focus on the future, not the past. Trust me...I've been there.


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## Garry2012

Paradise said:


> Cinema, I didn't read every word of this thread but I read most of your last post. Sounds like your ex has moved on. Why aren't you? The best thing I did for myself was stop thinking about my ex. I had to constantly remind myself to drop the conversations in my head. I wanted to say something....Lots of things....and I kept replaying it over and over again in my head, inventing scenarios in which I would confront her about various acts of betrayal.
> 
> I never did and I'm damn glad I didn't. After awhile by forcing myself to think of something else when she popped into my head the thoughts eventually just went away. Move on. Quit worrying about what you think she did. Doesn't matter anymore and it isn't going to change anything. All you are doing is living in the past when you spend that much energy on someone who doesn't give a squirt of pee about you.


Ditto. I have played, replayed, retold the story over so many times. Best thing I can do is to think of something else..ME.


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## LongWalk

Yes, if you have to build submarines in your head or solve puzzles. The puzzle of your ex is only a mystery in detail. In principle she followed her biological urges and did not come clean about her decision in a forthright fashion.


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## hope4family

@Cinema79

I totally relate. My ex-wife left me, our kid, and never gave me a reason why. I just ended up as a single Father with majority custody and no reason. 

Take your time. When you feel ready you'll know. But in the meantime, work on yourself. An example of this, I work out at least 2-3x a week. Go dancing 1-2x a week. 

I have embraced male hobbies again like fantasy football, guns, beer, and occasionally a nice cigar. 

Naturally, you should only be doing what you want to do with your life. The biggest thing you can do for yourself though, is have fun. It's the hardest habit to regain, but it reaps the most rewards and the most smiles from women.


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## hereinthemidwest

I am experiencing this NOW. Took four years thou. Truth it took my 2 or 2.5 years to heal. I have started to dated some nothing serious or worth keeping. My ex is now texting. I love you blah blah blah. What's ironic...he trying get rid of her. I laugh!

Well, I told him NO. I can't go back. I guess theres a reason why windshield is bigger looking ahead. He disrepected me beyond belief. Time for me to SHINE!


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## FeministInPink

hereinthemidwest said:


> I am experiencing this NOW. Took four years thou. Truth it took my 2 or 2.5 years to heal. I have started to dated some nothing serious or worth keeping. My ex is now texting. I love you blah blah blah. What's ironic...he trying get rid of her. I laugh!
> 
> Well, I told him NO. I can't go back. I guess theres a reason why windshield is bigger looking ahead. He disrepected me beyond belief. Time for me to SHINE!



Good for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Cinema79,

Do you know what a Cluster B personality is? If you don't know, find out. You were married to one. 

We can discuss it further once you realize what kind of a mindf*** you've been through.


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## Dedicated2Her

synthetic said:


> Cinema79,
> 
> Do you know what a Cluster B personality is? If you don't know, find out. You were married to one.
> 
> We can discuss it further once you realize what kind of a mindf*** you've been through.


Those cluster Bs. Ugh. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cinema79

Yes...I had a feeling she was cluster B. I once found a checklist online of the criteria and she did just about everything on that list to me at some point in our brief marriage. I think it was BPD to be honest.


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## Hardtohandle

Cinema, at this time from reading your other post with the timeline. It just seems you're taken aback from moving on so fast.. 

Sometimes that is how people react. They fall into the arms of someone else to let go of another.. Otherwise they couldn't deal with the heartache alone.. 

Vent here but I wouldn't bother with her.. I'm pissed about 19 years thinking you're lucky only being into 3 years with no kids and then the 30 year person is telling me I'm lucky.. There is always someone worse here than you are, unfortunately.


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## synthetic

Cinema79 said:


> Yes...I had a feeling she was cluster B. I once found a checklist online of the criteria and she did just about everything on that list to me at some point in our brief marriage. I think it was BPD to be honest.


Then you need to be looking at the right type of material for your distorted mind.

This forum does not necessarily provide the right dosage of 'sanity' into the mind of a person who is detaching from 'crazy'. I had to learn it the hard way myself as well.

I strongly suggest you read the following piece and make it a pillar of your recovery:

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.


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## hope4family

Love that link Synth, thanks.


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## Houstondad

whitehawk said:


> l always wonder what becomes of another type of leaver.
> 
> She leaves because she thinks things were bad but when infact all she had to do was a little bit of work on it instead of quitting.
> l mean there are those marriages that were just plain no good.
> But there are those too that were basically very good marriages and could've easily recovered from a few yrs of hard times with a bit of work and persistence. The marriages l believe that is what vows are for , to fight on another day, ride out the bumpy times .
> What happens to the ones that don't though, instead they go and find something they think is less bumpy - for now !


That was my marriage to a "T". 9 of the 10 years were good. Yes, there was small problems left unresolved or bottled up which led to resentment. But nothing of the magnitude that was a deal breaker. When she cheated on me, I could have said that was it, but wanted to work on the marriage. 

And I knew it would not be repaired overnight, but I was willing to put in the hard work and effort and was confident in time that it would be better than before. 

She didn't have the same perspective as me for she was still in love with the OM, yet heartbroken because he went back to his wife. She gave up and left our family. That was probably more painful to me than the actual infidelity, believe it or not. That I and my family was not worth the hard work to her.

Nearly a year later after the eventual divorce, she regretted everything that happened and said she wished that she was stronger. 

But you know what? She never asked to come crawling back and I never left the door open for her either. The two of us have already moved on.


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## 2galsmom

Simple. They are in a relationship with someone they will never, ever be able to fully trust! How lovely. Then the relationship ends as they statistically do, well let's face it they all are likely to fail then they may or may not come back to you. Please do not take them back, then YOU have a relationship with someone they will never, ever be able to fully trust! Not lovely at all.


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## Cinema79

You are right. A relationship built on deceit, and one that evolved in an office (where the grass is always greener and one always advises to NOT to place your meat where you make your bread (lol!) and I see this being a tremendous bust in short order.

Add to the fact that she is likely Cluster B/BPD...this is going to end really ugly.

Am I sad that I got divorced? Absolutely devastated.

Do I regret marrying her? No. My love was true and honest and I went into this for the long haul. 

Do I love this woman? More than she'll ever understand. If she ever came back, I would talk to her and treat her with respect, but she doesn't deserve a place in my life. 

Is she a terrible person? Yes. It wasn't just to me. The way she treated her family should have been an indicator for what was to come in our marriage. 

Do I feel bad for her new guy? Yes and no. I feel bad that he is eventually going to go through the same things I went through. Only he's going to be a big sucker and have a kid with her, and be tied to her for life. She is going to push him into this. 

However, he deserves any hardships that come his way for playing a role in ruining my marriage. A special place in hell awaits a person with such little character. What goes around comes around.

I met a beautiful girl tonight, got her number, and wow it feels good. I like her. We are getting together soon. I think I'm on the road to recovery - and I'm excited about where this is going.


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## GettingBetter

What happens to them? Who cares! My ex tried to come back to me after she and the OM broke up, but I had my list of stuff I wanted from her. She was unable to to give me full transparency and reasoning for her cheating, not like I needed any, but if we were going to R it was gonna be on my terms, no rugsweeping as she tried to do. I told her no and week after that she was with another guy and its been 8-9 months now. Is it gonna last? At this point I really do not care. She made her bed. I only care how her new BF is with my kids. So far so good. 
They are broken people...why do I want to fix someone who is broken? I will leave that for thr next guy...and I feel sorry for him because I know she will dump him too in a heartbeat when the new one comes around. 
Some of these people go thru all their lives having meaningless relationships. With friends too. 
Moving on and detaching from them is thr best thing to do. 
I am guilty too of thinking too much about ex and her life...well, not any longer. But I realized by giving her space in my head I was only slowing down my recovery process. Most of us go thru this and nothing to be ashemed of. The old cliche is true, time heals everything. Only scars remain to remind us. But life gets better as soon as we take that person off the pedestal and replace thrm with thr only person thst matters, YOU!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013

"The grass is NOT always greener"...tough lesson for men and women

For men, at least generally speaking, we come back for a booty call and thats it, women want to start up the relation**** again and then eventually, that grass starts looking brown again

generally speaking of course...
Ive never experienced this with my wife, but plenty of ex girlfriends in the past came back (some crawling some not) even when I ended it..."ya dont know what ya got until its gone" is a very wise and deep statement...especially when married and bills, household ****, kids, careers get in the way and you take each other for granted...marriage is hard, its a flawed game...sigh!


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## FeministInPink

I'm curious to see what happens in my case... it looks like my STBXH's relationship with the OW recently ended:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/122938-they-broke-up.html

I'm feeling a little giddy, not because I want him to come crawling back to me (I don't), but because I feel like he's reaping what he's sown.


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## ne9907

> When you don't care what happens to them then you are good to go.


I am almost here... it has been less than two months, but I am almost here.


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## FeministInPink

FeministInPink said:


> I'm curious to see what happens in my case... it looks like my STBXH's relationship with the OW recently ended:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/122938-they-broke-up.html
> 
> I'm feeling a little giddy, not because I want him to come crawling back to me (I don't), but because I feel like he's reaping what he's sown.


So, you want to know what happened?

NOTHING. NOTHING HAPPENED.

(This is for the OP, really. I didn't expect anything to happen.)


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## SadSamIAm

I think that the chance of their new relationship surviving and of them coming back to you (if it doesn't) is directly proportional to how you handled the breakup.

I think too many react by being weak. Begging, pleading, etc. Or extreme anger, telling them off. Both only increase your 'unattractiveness' to them.

If you leave being strong and just moving on, it increases the chance of her regretting giving you up and increases the chance that she might want you back.

You want her back? Then move on and find a hot woman to date. Make sure the ex hears about it.


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## arbitrator

*They go out and look for another BF, then sue you in your divorce for the right to buy a relatively large life insurance policy on your a$$!

I really hope that she can afford it ~ or, for that matter, even get it!*


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## Cinema79

SadSamIAm said:


> I think that the chance of their new relationship surviving and of them coming back to you (if it doesn't) is directly proportional to how you handled the breakup.
> 
> I think too many react by being weak. Begging, pleading, etc. Or extreme anger, telling them off. Both only increase your 'unattractiveness' to them.
> 
> If you leave being strong and just moving on, it increases the chance of her regretting giving you up and increases the chance that she might want you back.
> 
> You want her back? Then move on and find a hot woman to date. Make sure the ex hears about it.


I have dated two women since my I split from my wife. Most would consider them better looking than my her. She knows what the first one looks like since my Facebook page was public and I was tagged in a bunch of photos with her. The most recent girl, who I have spent time with for the past two weeks, she has no idea about.

I left my marriage on rather good terms. Our last day together consisted of us hugging and crying as I left my house for the last time. She became a completely different person after that. Mean, cold, vengeful, etc. 

But I never begged for her to come back. I asked to leave our marriage...she just has no idea of the pain I went through after it was over. 

I still care about her, even though I shouldn't, but I don't want her back in my life. She has hurt me way too much to even consider a reconciliation. It's her behavior post divorce (rumors of infidelity, hateful emails, cold/cruel conversations) that have ruined everything.


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## Cinema79

I will also add that I saw my ex-wife this past Wednesday for the first time in six months. I looked good...dressing sharp by chance. 

I did not find her attractive at all. Two days after I saw her, and SHE DID see me, she went and stalked my LinkedIn page.


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## nogutsnoglory

Cinema79 said:


> 35 next year. I know it isn't, but it's tough to find someone. Everyone seems to be taken. The ones who aren't, I don't seem to have much in common with.


Then move on to the next night club.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## RandomDude

Married but Happy said:


> OP, you're making unwarranted assumptions that a) the relationship will end, and b) that if it does, she'll want to come back to you.
> 
> It's not helpful or productive to think about something that may never happen. It's time to move on and focus on your future.


I agree with this

OP, instead of waiting for some sense of justice - which may or may not come, adopt the attitude of "who the fk cares"


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