# Should I just let him go... deep inside I know I should



## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Today is not a good day, I'm feeling lonely, sad with a heavy heart and in need of comfort, in need of my mans comfort. Not very positive attitude towards my situation. Some days are as clear as water that this separation is happening and that is ok and that the kids and I will be ok. But then are these days were I just want to find a way to convince him and making see that we can work it out that we are worth it that our family is worth it and I am just crumbling. From our org conversation when he decided to move out he either would be out by 9/15 or 10/01, and I know he has been lOoking but nothing, he is still home. Today he gets up as he going to work but dresses down, I ask if he is working he says "no" I ask why r u going in so early he says "I'm looking at places" and cont what his doing I don't say a word. Get ready for school, drop the kids & drop him to take public trans. As I am driving home get a txt saying "I'm visiting potential living places 2day, hopefully if I get to them (lists places) that is my day". Now he usually does not tell me where his going or what his doing, and I don't ask cause I feel that I need to disconnect myself from him so that I don't hurt so much; so this txt 2day is like what the heck why are u letting me know where ur looking to live? Why confuse me more? I try not to take his words, actions or anything of his to heart cause I am trying to rip him from my heart, what I mean is to stop loving him as what he was my husband, I think and feel that he is no longer mine since his last anouncement that he was leaving!I know I have to let him go but so much scares me our economic situation is a big one, how does he pretend to move out when we r struggling with current bills? The pain and the hurt that my kids will endure is another big concern. I pray for the best of situation, I pray for guidance, I pray for strength and pray that this episode of my life moves as fast as possible and to be happy with my kids and be free of this weight in my heart.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am soooo sorry this is happening. I understand your heavy heart and disaapointment. I don't know your situation but it's obvious that you don't want this separation. 

My H wanted out and is out now for about 2 months. I couldn't do a thing to stop him for 8 months. He was one track minded. All along I got mixed messages. He called me daily to chit chat...some affection...etc. I thought "hes in for a rude awakening when he leaves." He was and is...not doing well. 

Anyway, my husband a few weeks ago said he still wanted a divorce. He is proceeding. 

You may prepared yourself for the worst. Pretend he isn't coming back. I know this is not what you want to hear. You have to protect yourself. They are often irrational at times and selfish during this time. If you'll need a job...try to secure one. If you need a cheaper place...look around (if the time comes). Work a budget. Anything that you can do to take control.

Also...try to work on yourself as much as possible. Try something new, exercise, read a self help book, counseling, church, etc. Show him a confident happy woman. It's more attractive. Sometimes you even have to fake it!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sometimes I think they don't realize how they are still leaning on you when it is them who want to leave in the first place.

You could risk telling him to please not "share" with you like you were his wife when he's leaving you behind. Does he think you'll be pals if he goes through with the divorce, that he'll be able to call you to chit chat or to ask advice of? Those benefits of marriage are what he's leaving. You don't get to take them with you!!

I feel so bad for both of you...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What you are going through is just so horrible. 

It really is - don't let anyone tell you any different.

So much pain, so much confusion, so much worry, so much repsonsibility to keep on going.

Everyone here who has been through this will attest to this and just know that there is support here for you. 

CW is correct and although it may be hard to hear at the moment try to refocus your energies (the little you have) back onto yourself. 

This feels counter intutive - 

but do what makes you feel good - find yourself something fabulous to wear, have a great time with your kids.

delete his texts if they make you feel bad.

ignore his words - they will confuse you.

try not to worry about letting go 

you couldn't actually let go now even if you wanted to -

people are connected to other people - 

if over time it emerges that you do have to be apart from your H it will happen organically - 

sure it feels like you are being ripped apart and so you think 

if I let go the pain will be gone - 

but I just don't think we can control this -

I remember weeping on the phone to my mum and saying my life is out of control -

and my lovely mum who never gives advice - said

You are in control of you. 

I wrote this up in my kitchen and I read it to myself all day -

it was like lifting weights even thinking it. 

But it is true....

all power to you!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

knortoh said:


> people are connected to other people -
> 
> if over time it emerges that you do have to be apart from your H it will happen organically -



This is a great response. We can't rush our feelings.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Knortoh's mom is a wise woman. YOU ARE IN CONTROL! If you choose to accept the loss without giving into fear, you will find that the pain is still there but more manageable. Try not to assume that things will be awful--your kids will be ok if you are ok, for example. Lots of parents have done a fair amount of juggling and "tag team" parenting, so being with one parent or another at different times is not a huge switch. Kids can find excitement in mom and/or dad's new apartment if YOU make it exciting (wonder who our new friends will be? Maybe we will find some cool stores or parks. . .) Get the book "The Healthy Divorce" and try to live by it. Let your sadness out, to friends and family, when the kids aren't around. Recognize when anger and fear are your main emotions and deal with them through counseling--these are destructive and not essential to healing, while feeling sadness is. Do whatever makes you feel more in control of the situation, within healthy limits of course--plan a budget, live with family or a friend to save $$$ and add loving adults to your kids' daily life if you feel they need it. You will be ok; you will eventually be even a stronger, happier person, although that is hard to believe now. God bless.


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## indistressed (Sep 14, 2009)

Well it seems that my H has found a place. When will he move? Don't know yet. Asked how all went yesterday and he said not good but I think I'll move in w/a co-worker and I said F or M? He answered male nd left it @ that. I think I need to move on, right now I feel stuck because I know I'm not suppose to care if he comes in @ a decent time or what or who is he doing it with but I do :< I guesS God has given me the strength to deal with all this and for that I thank him! It hurts like hell to know that soon we will no longer be here but I know that I can not force anyone to stay with me and love me. In the other hand I know I still love him and have tried for many years to try to patch up things and b happy.
Today he upset me though because he wants to mount the TV in what is/was our bdrm on the wall and I said I didn't want that because if I want to move the room around I won't be able to move the TV. (This was BS I just didn't like that he's about to leave and his acting like this, nice, I did want the TV mounted many moons ago!) I don't like mirrors in front of the bed when him and I were sleeping together (I believe is bad luck) and we have one that if I move the bed around the bed will b right in front so he tells me "I thought u didn't like the mirror in front of the bed so how r u moving the bdrm? I said that won't b a problem now since ill be myself on the bed! And he just looked at me & I walked away. I don't know if I'm doing right by showing him that I am ok with this separation & I'm not but I'm realistic " he does not love me". I would like though (and know that ppl will batch me for this) but I want to have one more intimate moment with him but don't know 1st how to make it happen 2nd would need to ask him to use protection bcause I really don't know what he has being doing, his sexual need is very high, or he might just say NO and that will be very bad for me. 
Another thing that is stressing me very very much is how in the world are we going to tell the kids?? This is the wrost part!I look at the while they're asleep and cry becuase I am about to hurt them so much and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Oh Dear God please guide me. Sorry 4 such a long msg I have no one to talk too and this place has giving the opt to vent!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

dear indistressed
I feel for you - the confusion and the many conflicting love/hate/anger emotions are exhausting and painful 

Although I am not sure of your full story you mention that you have 'been trying' for a long time -

although you may not be ready to hear this - you actually will get some relief and some renewed energy from not having to 'try' 

are you seeing a counsellor ? family therapists can give you guidelines which can help you find ways to both share information with your kids and support them 

some things my counsellor told me -

do it with your H and agree beforehand on what you will say

if they are young keep it simple 

have a series of short conversations rather than one long one

remind them of what isn't going to change (two parents who still ove them etc)

make sure they know where you both are and that you are both safe 

my 8 year old seemed to handling things not too badly - but then I realised he was lost because he didn't understand that his dad had actually 'moved' out - he knew that he was sleeping somewhere else - but he kept on asking me where he was during the day.


but you really need to see a counsellor for yourself - just for YOU to attend to your current emotional needs - 

don't feel as though you need to shoulder this alone -

it is great that you have found this forum - I wish I had found it much earlier -

be kind and gentle to yourself


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