# Need advice please:(



## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Hi everyone! Im new to this website but im in need of advice. well I have been married for 5 months now.Im 23 and hes 28. He has been my first in everything. But Im losing faith quick in my marriage.I feel like I have lost so much respect for him. First I want to say that Im not perfect and neither is my husband. He can be one of the sweetest and funniest guy you will meet. Yet theyre are somethings I just cant seem to tolerate anymore. sorry in advance this will be a long post. even after we got married we were having our problems. He has a very high sex drive and I used to meet it pretty well.but recently im not interested in having sex with him at all. im those type of people who connect sex and emotions very closely. So recently he had done things that have let me bitter and cold. He uses my laptop to access the internet and I knew he likes to watch porn so i just turn my back to this. but the other day he was on a dating website called Zoosk. I confronted him about this and he apologized saying that facebook brought him there. but i told him that i didnt understand how facebook put him as single and he browsed through the website. and he told me that he was sorry that he was curious as to the people who got sucked into these things and he always used to look this websites up. He apologized and promise not to do it again. I forgave him but my trust in him went way down. on another day he was playing online on a gaming counsel. well he was playing with a username that was clearly a girl. well i thought in my head not to be so insecure so i went to bed and let him played. next morning i go to get on for a while and i find he sends this person his number and tells her to text him. Again I confronted him about this and he told me he did it innocently. that it was for her to text him when she would be playing again. I tried to believe him but it just sounds like BS. And i know being an a marriage does not mean your dead to the opposite sex. but i think there is a line. when were in his car driving and he sees pretty girls passing by he just stares at them. and even might turn around to keep seeing them or just look at them from his mirrors. I know a glance is nothing bad but i feel like he has crossed a line and i feel humialated.I think he has anger or controlling issues. He would tell me what to wear sometimes there was even a day were he went of on me because i made him buy me clothes i never wear. But let me point out that i work just as hard as he does. lets just say i ended up crying while he yelled at me about how resentful i am. oh and my favorite:anal sex. he seems to enjoy it very much. Yet i hate it! it hurts and i bleed. and i know it was my mistake for letting him have it before we got married but i dont want to do it anymore. and were always having fights over this recently. he practically told me i would end up alone for not giving it up because any man would ask for it and if they didnt get it they would look for it somewhere else or just get tired of me. but i cant understand how he can pleasure of it when im crying and shaking during the process. when hes angry he likes to slam things which make me lose more respect for him. I feel bad for complaining because i know he can be really wonderful and i know im no way close to perfect and i know i must irratate him and in many ways but sometimes i feel that everything i do is wrong in his eyes. If you wonderful people can give me some feedback and some advice on how to regain respect in my husband back i would appreciate it or let me know if my complaints are out of porportion or if im just being bitter and resentful. Im really knew at this


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This is not what a marriage is meant to be like. Please see a counseller either individual or together.

Until then...if what you say is correct... my advice would be... don't have anal sex ever again if it makes you cry and bleed. If he expects this of you... he's a complete pr!ck and you should get out NOW!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

anon12 said:


> oh and my favorite:anal sex. he seems to enjoy it very much. Yet i hate it! it hurts and i bleed. and i know it was my mistake for letting him have it before we got married but i dont want to do it anymore. and were always having fights over this recently. he practically told me i would end up alone for not giving it up because any man would ask for it and if they didnt get it they would look for it somewhere else or just get tired of me.


Your whole post is sad but this is a very alarming red flag. Sure, most men want to at least try anal sex (I have with my wife once) but there is no way that I would persue something she finds unsavory let alone painful. I would never want to hurt my wife and if it did, I would never try again.

No caring husband would leave you over this. I feel sad just thinking of the way you are phrasing this as if there is even a possibility that you are somehow wrong.

Leave this a$$hole ASAP. It will only get worse.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you for responding the topic of anal sex has become a power struggle between us I feel. He feels that if a man has everything in four walls he wont go looking somewhere else.

and hey i can agree with that. But when does the women respect come in? I feel like i have every right to refuse something that has me traumatized.Just like i would respect his decision to not do something if it was not enjoyable for him.

He told me that we can practice with it but i have tried and have not liked it I feel were just not sexually compatible and i feel its causing a big problem. Im so detached we havent had sex in days.
And I dont believe in witholding sex or anything I just dont desire to be with him.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

I know its just somehow its always my fault. I get blamed for it I really never had good self esteem so im always doubting myself and thinking if im being to emotional or something lol

I think the day were i really lost my respect for him was when he pratically almost forced anal on me telling me to enjoy it. I have a bad history with men ever since i was young. so i told him that i felt sexually abused when he did this and felt betrayed. He did apologize though but i still feel so much resentment and bitter towards him.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You need to leave. He has been emotionally and physically abusing you. It will get worse. Go to a women's shelter if you need too. Talk to the counsellors at the shelter to get further insight into what I'm telling you here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some people can physically handle anal sex, some cannot. The bleeding comes from rips in your rectum wall. It’s an open sore so when you are having a bowel movement the sore will be contaminated. You could get a horrible infection from this. 

For your own health, do not allow him to do this again. If he threatens to walk, tell him to go ahead. This that’s all you mean to him then you do not need him.
He says that if a man gets everything he needs at home, he will not cheat/leave. The same is true for a woman. You may want to remind him that it’s a two way street. You can leave as well.

What he did to you about anal sex, where he forced you, that is called rape. He did something to your body while you were telling him to not do it and to stop. Men who are like this get more violent with time. And they get more controlling.

Please get in touch with a battered woman’s shelter. Tell them about the anal sex against your will. They will help you.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm sorry that you are going through this  The other people are right, this is not what marriage is suppose to be like... this is not love... My husband would NEVER think of doing anything that hurt me once much less again and again... Hell, I had to talk him into having sex with me before the doctor released me to after surgery... Taking a glance at a pretty lady is normal... staring is rude and disrespectful... giving his number out... dating sites... wtf? He obviously knows your self esteem issues and it sounds like he's using it against you and taking you even lower... I'm sorry to say that I don't think you can "regain respect in your husband's eyes" because it doesn't sound like you ever had it... I'm so sorry this is happening to you


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the feedback I understand. But I don't know why i feel guilty. I read what i wrote and i think how did i put up with this and when i finally tell someone i feel guilty and just want to say well he is a wonderful guy sometimes.And i can be really dumb or immature. Like if i deserved it i guess.

I dont know if that makes sense. but Im going to talk to a counselor and hopefully go back to my moms house or on my own. I know i can make it Thank you all for your feedback!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> Thank you all so much for the feedback I understand. But I don't know why i feel guilty. I read what i wrote and i think how did i put up with this and when i finally tell someone i feel guilty and just want to say well he is a wonderful guy sometimes.And i can be really dumb or immature. Like if i deserved it i guess.
> 
> I dont know if that makes sense. but Im going to talk to a counselor and hopefully go back to my moms house or on my own. I know i can make it Thank you all for your feedback!


Good to hear. Take care of yourself. You deserve so much more in life. 

Keep us posted. There are many here who will be glad to give ou support.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

IMO you are reflecting the blame on yourself because of self esteem and maybe you don't want to admit that you married someone that can be cruel... I'm so glad to hear that you read what you wrote (sometimes just putting it out there you can "see" it) I'm so glad to hear that you are going to talk to someone and you can see that you deserve so much more... I wish the best for you.... and please do keep us posted


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_he practically told me i would end up alone for not giving it up because any man would ask for it and if they didnt get it they would look for it somewhere else or just get tired of me. but i cant understand how he can pleasure of it when im crying and shaking during the process. when hes angry he likes to slam things which make me lose more respect for him. I feel bad for complaining 

sometimes i feel that everything i do is wrong in his eyes_

Yikes. No wonder you are feeling bad. Walking on eggshells in a relationship is no way to live.

This guy doesn't respect you. He is perusing dating sites and then lying about it, is ogling girls in your presence, and hitting up strange women for their #s and telling them to contact him.

These are not the actions of a committed man.

Also, he knows that a certain activity causes you pain the bedroom yet he continues to do it and when you express how you feel about it, he gets angry at you and starts saying you will never find another man if you don't do it. 

These are not the words of a loving man.

You need to talk to him STAT. Because he's behaving in a manner that is destroying your marriage. Stop enabling it/him. Tell him you won't tolerate him on dating sites and you won't perform acts that make you bleed/hurt. If he can't meet you halfway, then walk. You are still very young and have your entire life ahead of you. Don't ever waste your life by being with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and like you are wrong all the time. 

Sounds emotionally abusive.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Please PLEASE leave this situation. If you are insistent on trying to make it work, seek marriage counseling, but STILL move out.

Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome? If not, a quick overview:
Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

One note in particular is that victims "mistake a lack of abuse from their captors as an act of kindness". 

Obviously Stockholm Syndrome is very extreme and applied to people in hostage situations, but when you're in an abusive relationship it's hard not to draw the parallels. He controls you by degrading your body and self-esteem, building up your chains with his words and actions til you feel you can't leave. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Much worse. And you'll say, but we have good days! when good days means he doesn't make you have anal sex, when he doesn't knock you down by criticizing you or disrespecting you by talking to other women so casually.

I cannot stress to you the importance of this. I've worked with battered women and let me tell you, they all start out like you. Some even started out much better. 

Marriage is hard work but it's not abuse. Don't settle. Nobody deserves to be mistreated.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

this guy doesnt care about you.
guys that care about their wives dont do this.
They dont treat them like this.
seriously.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you for responding My mom was in abusive relationship with my dad before she divorced him.

The other day she told me that she felt i was going to end up like her. that none of my family neither my step dad or grandpa saw it going well. it somehow this made me feel sad. although she doesnt know about what is going on. 

I guess im always doubting myself really. I don't know if he knows what he is doing and it frustrates me. I feel like i should get it over somethings since it happened it while back and yet i cant. I think i complain to much or just look at the bad things instead of the good he does but sometimes the bad is outweighing the good.

Like 2 weeks ago that he has gone thru so much in life and that he wasnt comparing me to the other women but that i should be better than them? I dont understand if he says this to me because i reject him sometimes but he says or does things that just doesnt seem right. I dont know if im the problem of his behavior. 

I believe going to a counselor is my best option right now. Thank you for youre feedback


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Please do not get caught up in blaming yourself for his behavior!!! He is not a child where he is learning what is appropriate and what is not... If he hasn't already learned what love, caring, respect is...Do you really want to sacrifice yourself for him to learn? Again, do not blame yourself for his choices and his behavior. What could you possibly have done to deserve to be disrespected, degraded, pressured into doing things that hurt you and made to feel as though you're less than a woman and wife for not doing things? I can't think of anything a wife could do that she would deserve to be treated like that by her husband.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

anon12 said:


> Thank you for responding
> 
> Like 2 weeks ago that he has gone thru so much in life and that he wasnt comparing me to the other women but that i should be better than them? I dont understand if he says this to me because i reject him sometimes but he says or does things that just doesnt seem right. I dont know if im the problem of his behavior.
> 
> I believe going to a counselor is my best option right now. Thank you for youre feedback


He says things like that to keep you feeling insecure and down on yourself so your won't tell him to f*** off and leave him and spend your relationship trying to please him , it sounds like he deffinantly knows how to manipulate and use the fact you have no confidence to his advantage.
Theres alot of things on you have written in your post that is major red flags I really hope for your sake you learn to give yourself the love and respect you deserve.
Please STOP shifting the blame of his actions onto yourself (counseling will most likely help you with this).
I wish you all the best with your counseling


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Imaging yourself a few years down the line. You have kids, he treats them this way. Do you want your kids to endure this treatment? It will get worse as he will feel that you won't leave him if you have kids and become even more controlling/disrespectful.

If my husband did ANY of the things you mentioned, I would have been gone. My H know this too, from day one. He doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. I'm glad you are seeking counsel.


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## jlock111 (Jun 26, 2012)

anon12 said:


> Thank you for responding the topic of anal sex has become a power struggle between us I feel. He feels that if a man has everything in four walls he wont go looking somewhere else.
> 
> and hey i can agree with that. But when does the women respect come in? I feel like i have every right to refuse something that has me traumatized.Just like i would respect his decision to not do something if it was not enjoyable for him.
> 
> ...


Marriage is not easy and it is a struggle sometimes. It's your body you shouldn't feel belittled because of this, he is a prick trying to use this against you. I personally have anger issues myself I am trying to deal with but it took a long hard look in a mirror to figure out I was treating my wife like crap. My wife shut down and looked at me with disgust it hit me hard one day and I have been committed to changing it ever since, I hope in your case he pulls his head out. Good Luck!


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## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

oh and my favorite:anal sex. he seems to enjoy it very much. Yet i hate it! it hurts and i bleed. and i know it was my mistake for letting him have it before we got married but i dont want to do it anymore.

I wish women would stop and think that if they allow a man to do things they don't like, or that hurts them before they are married that should be a RED FLAG! whether Sexual or Emotionally if you allow it before marriage do you really believe it will stop after marriage.
You made a mistake. Get counseling, and move on. Learn from your mistakes.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Anon...I really feel for you. Marriage is ALL about mutual respect and understanding. 

I know the whole situation is difficult for you..... I don't know what country you are in....but if you are in the US, Europe, Australasia I can assure you that there is a crminal offence called Marital Rape.

If your husband demands anal sex (or any sex for that matter) and you refuse it yet he forces you, get through it however you can then go to the police.
DO NOT WASH/WIPE or CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES before going.

Please please believe me that all Police forces/services are taking domestic violence (physical as well as mental) VERY seriously indeed these days. You will be treated with dignity, compassion and respect.

I know its tough for you....don't suffer. Once you get to the end of your tether ACT.


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## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

MC or IC. Hang in there.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

well a few minutes ago i tried to talk to him. I told him i wanted to talk about anal. I told him i never want to do it again so i dont want him to ask for it. well lets just say we ended up in an arguement of sorts. he got angry that i was bringing this up when we havent had sex in a few days and that he hasnt asked for anal for days aswell. I go to school and work so im really tired recently and to be honest ever since that whole online thing i just lost any desire i had in him. 

and i understand he would say that but i told him i wanted to talk to him about it because it has been bugging me a for awhile. that itself before all this got out of hand was one of the reason i would avoid sex because he would ask for it half way through it and i didnt want to and it would end in a fight.

he just told me it had no revelance to anything and didnt know why i had to bring up it. then he tells me that a women has to get accustome to it to please her husband.that little by little with practice. that it was in my mind not to like it. that it was a normal part of sex.

I told him it might be for some people but not for me. and he tells me that if i couldnt please him that way.well then he goes and tells me that i act like a child. that he now sees im to immatured to be married that i put many buts.that i dont want to have anal and dont want to swallow(i have tried but my gag reflex is to strong) he even went to tell me about how i eat.

That i have bad habbits of eating because ive been spoiled by my mother. I tell him that is not the case that i may be picky with eating but that is just my food preference.This all come down because yesterday i didnt want to drink milk. i told him i dont like drinking it because i want to gag. well he tells me im just like a spoiled child.and if i want to eat how i used to eat while i was at my mother to go back to my house. I understand where he is coming from and i may have bad habits but i dont think someone should get mad at me for what i eat. or tell me i wast to much money on "fake food" as he tells me when he wastes his money on cigarettes and beer.

I really feel like i have sincerely fallen out of love sometimes im not sure if i just want to start arguements just so he can leave. but i am going to schedule an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. 
thank you all for youre feedback!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

It's YOUR body you it's for you to decide what you want to do with it, it wasn't created to be in pain to please your husband.
My god he sounds like a total ass.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

..."then he tells me that a women has to get accustome to it to please her husband"....

My goodness...I didnt think people who thought like that were still alive. I thought they all died years ago!

This man clearly has no respect for you. It is only, I'm afraid, a matter of time until he rapes you or beats you up....

Run Anon Run.....like the wind.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

You know all of you are right i dont have to take this We were just texting and he brought it up jokingly but i pointed out take him that never again will i do it. 

then he tells me that he doesnt understand why im getting angry. and i tell him im not im just stating the facts well then he tells me that its okay that he'll look for another way to satisfy his needs since his women didnt want to. I told him to go ahead but to be prepared for the consequences. 

Thank you so much i feel indeed so much better it is my body and i will not have someone degrade me in such a way. I guess i just wasnt sure i needed someone else to confirm i wasnt blowing things out of porportion. Thank you all really!


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm glad you are feeling better. Stay strong


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds like your getting stronger anon. Congrats and keep it up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good for you for standing up for yourself. 

He basically told you that he intends to cheat if you do not allow anal sex. This man does not love you. He's all about how he can use you for his own gratification.

Also, do not allow him to nag you about the food you eat. Just tell him to stop when he starts that nonsense. You don't like milk. I too do not like to drink milk. It gags me. I've been like this since I was a small child. The only time I will drink milk is when it's something like hot chocolate. 

There are many people who believe that milk is really not all that good for us. It’s hard to digest. The milk we use is for baby cattle, not for humans. It’s made for their digestive tracks not ours.

Usually, when a person does not like some particular food it’s because their body does not handle that food well. The body response might not be strong enough to make you ill, but your body is telling you that it has some kind of problem with that particular food. Listen to your body. If he cannot respect that your body rejects milk, then he does not respect you.

Any time your husband starts his putting you down just tell him to stop. If he does not stop tell him that the conversation is over. When you discuss these topics with him you need to give him the inroads into your mind for him to manipulate you. 

Like many people who go through this sort of abuse, you lack good boundaries. I’ve been there, done that. What you need to do is to decide what your boundaries are and not let him cross them. Just stop him when he brings them up or tries to force things on you.

You did very well at stating one of your boundaries… No more anal sex. If he forces it on you again you seriously need to call the police and charge him with rape. Or if you cannot bring yourself to do that, move out. Get away from him.


Other boundaries you should establish are: 


You will not discuss what you like or dislike in the way of food. 
You will no longer accept any further attempts of him trying to talk you into anal sex.
You will no longer engage in anal sex. (No it is not a normal part of sex.)
You will not accept him cheating. Not getting anal sex is not an excuse to cheat.
You will not accept his online activity. He has to stop NOW. If he’s going to do that he has to leave. You will put a key logger on his computer. He has to give you the passwords to all of his on-line accounts.
You will not accept him exchanging phone numbers with other women.
Those are just a few. I’m sure you can come up with a more that fit your situation. If he cannot life within your boundaries he has to leave or you will leave. It has to be that cut and dry.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Yes thank you EleGirl. It makes sad that this is happening due to the fact that in other areas hes wonderful.I guess he feels that because hes willing to do anything in bed to please me and i dont want anal im being selfish. But i cant do it because it physically hurts me.and I cant accept the fact that im being treated like a child and with no respect. Youre suppose to grow with your partner not being put down.

I dont see why I have to tolerate someone who gets mad at me for something as silly as something that i eat.Hopefully this will work out but if not I will walk ahead. As you guys put it I have a whole life ahead of me. thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> Yes thank you EleGirl. It makes sad that this is happening due to the fact that in other areas hes wonderful.I guess he feels that because hes willing to do anything in bed to please me and i dont want anal im being selfish. But i cant do it because it physically hurts me.and I cant accept the fact that im being treated like a child and with no respect. Youre suppose to grow with your partner not being put down.
> 
> I dont see why I have to tolerate someone who gets mad at me for something as silly as something that i eat.Hopefully this will work out but if not I will walk ahead. As you guys put it I have a whole life ahead of me. thank you


If he is getting mad at you because of something you do or do not eat, it's just looking for a reason to get mad.


An example of this is that my ex would get mad at me if I cleaned the bedroom.. he would say that the kitchen was a mess and I should have cleaned it first. If I cleaned the kitchen first he would get mad and say that I needed to clean the bedroom first. 

When I cooked a meal with a sauce/gravy on it he would get mad because he said that sauces/gravy only added calories and not nutritional value (not true). Then when I cooked something without sauce/gravy he would argue that it was dry and needed sauce/gravy.

He just needed a reason to ***** at me. When it got to the point that he was throwing his dinner plate across the table at me I told him that I would never cook for him again. It was 5 years before I cooked another meal for him. When I started cooking again he never complained about anything. Nope... he started complementing what I cooked.

Now keep in mind that with all of his complaints I worked full time running a software consulting business, was the primary care taker of our son and the sole financial support of our family. He was worked, then was unemployed then for most of our marriage he was in medical school and residency. So if he wanted the kitchen or bedroom cleaned he dammed well could have cleaned it himself.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Wow. He crossed a line. No one should ever be treated in such a way. I congratulate you for standing up for yourself. I guess you just reach a point like iam where youre just done and if they dont like it they can leave. 

Now i realize that alot of blame he placed on me wasnt my fault. I feel kinda silly actually blaming myself for it when now i see i had really nothing to do with it. I know some stuff ive done has been wrong and i take blame for it but now not all of it.

House responsiblities should be split in half. meet each other half way. Im sorry you went thru that. But it seems youre stronger because of it. Thats how I try to look at this. I have gain a greater sense of respect for myself


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

I guess he pointed out my eating habits to bring me down when we discussed that i will no longer tolerate anal. usually his little put downs would get to me but for the first time I actually looked at him and thought to myself this is pathetic I wont let him hurt me like that any longer.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

anon12 said:


> I guess he pointed out my eating habits to bring me down when we discussed that i will no longer tolerate anal. usually his little put downs would get to me but for the first time I actually looked at him and thought to myself this is pathetic I wont let him hurt me like that any longer.


:smthumbup:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> Wow. He crossed a line. No one should ever be treated in such a way. I congratulate you for standing up for yourself. I guess you just reach a point like iam where youre just done and if they dont like it they can leave.
> 
> Now i realize that alot of blame he placed on me wasnt my fault. I feel kinda silly actually blaming myself for it when now i see i had really nothing to do with it. I know some stuff ive done has been wrong and i take blame for it but now not all of it.
> 
> House responsiblities should be split in half. meet each other half way. Im sorry you went thru that. But it seems youre stronger because of it. Thats how I try to look at this. I have gain a greater sense of respect for myself


House responsibilities... 

If you are both working they should be split.

If one of you is not working, then the one who is not working should do about 8 hours of house/yard/shopping, etc a day. Then the things left over are split in half.

At least that's how I see it.

Live and learn. The tuition for some lessons is very high.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> I guess he pointed out my eating habits to bring me down when we discussed that i will no longer tolerate anal. usually his little put downs would get to me but for the first time I actually looked at him and thought to myself this is pathetic I wont let him hurt me like that any longer.


Wow.. good for you. His words can only hurt you if you allow them to. 

AS I mentioned my ex was abusive. At some point I too realized that his bad mouth had a lot of do with him being in a bad mood. So at some point.. about the same time as when I stopped cooking.. i realized this. At that point when he'd come home and start going at me I'd just look at him and say "Ya had a bad day did ya? I'm sorry to hear that." and I'd walk away.

At that point his words could not hurt me because I came to realize that it was about him, no me. People who abuse do it to feed off you the victim of their abuse. It makes them feel better to make you feel worse. Sort of like a soul devouring zombie.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

:


EleGirl said:


> House responsibilities...
> 
> If you are both working they should be split.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Yeah sometimes the intution is to high. I feel bad for doing this but I recently logged in into email address. to only find out he has an account on adult friend finder:/ and on his profile he put that he was married and wanted a discreet relationship. that he was a good guy that was into many things.

Wow.....you know i dont know if to be suprised, angry, or just laugh. this is ridicoulus. I want to slap myself at this instant. go back in time and stop myself from ever getting together with him. Im sick and im tired of all this. I will not tolerate this any longer.

And the best part was that he got it when i thought we were doing ok. I cant imagine what he is doing now.:/ do this websites really work?


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

I feel like im going to burst. It might be four in the morning but im edging for a fight. what have i done to be disrespected in such a way?


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

anon12 
there is no shame in admitting that you just made a mistake and walking away. I did that when I was young and went on to a much better life.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

anon12 said:


> I feel like im going to burst. It might be four in the morning but im edging for a fight. what have i done to be disrespected in such a way?


You haven't done anything to be disrespected so much, his actions stem from needing to control and dominate because he is very insecure (not your problem and you should NOT be paying for his insecurities).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> Yeah sometimes the intution is to high. I feel bad for doing this but I recently logged in into email address. to only find out he has an account on adult friend finder:/ and on his profile he put that he was married and wanted a discreet relationship. that he was a good guy that was into many things.
> 
> Wow.....you know i dont know if to be suprised, angry, or just laugh. this is ridicoulus. I want to slap myself at this instant. go back in time and stop myself from ever getting together with him. Im sick and im tired of all this. I will not tolerate this any longer.
> 
> And the best part was that he got it when i thought we were doing ok. I cant imagine what he is doing now.:/ do this websites really work?


Does friend finder web site really work. Apparently it does as I've heard of a lot of affairs that started on that site.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> I feel like im going to burst. It might be four in the morning but im edging for a fight. what have i done to be disrespected in such a way?


I hope you are ok. 

You have not done anything to be disrespected in this manner. Unfortunately you married a man who does not respect women. It's time for you to get out.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Hi everyone thank you so much for the support I feel like I really did get a huge of support here. well me and my husband will be divorcing soon. 

we had a huge fight last night. were I told him i was done and didnt want anything else with him. He aplogized and started to cry but I still dont want nothing to do with him anymore.

I felt really bad yesterday. But you know what? I logged in into his hi5 account and he was msing girls. one even ask a girl if she drank because he did too and maybe they can get together later. He even sent her his number and said maybe on saturdays(I usually work saturdays).who knnows what else was going on behind my back.

So now im sure things happen for a reason I just had to open my eyes.I hope to later on in life find a man who i can trust and treat me with the respect I deserve. for now Im just going to work on me and Love me. Thats what I told him yesterday. I finally loved myself more and knew I didnt deserve what I went thru. 

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! you guys helped me so much!!!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I hope all the best for you in the future, when you learn your worth you will find someone else who does to.
This may sound a tad cynical but may I suggest you print out the messages he was sending ect if you haven't already done that. They may come in handy with the divorce if he decides to try to make things difficult.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Stay strong. He'll probably try more crying and pleading and make promises but he'll just break them like he did your vows. He'll try to make you stay so he can use you. I'm sorry it's that way but it is. He has already had an affair or he will very soon- he's shown you that he's actively looking. 

If you do want to try to make it work, let him know that it's only under certain conditions like the ones mentioned before by Elegirl I think (I'm too lazy to flip back the page lol). YOU lay out the rules and if he breaks one you're gone for good. I think most people deserve a chance to correct their mistakes.

But in his case, I'd make an exception for leaving and never looking back.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

And also, never let him or anyone else tell you what is "normal sex stuff". Stuff was not made to go in your anus, that's just biology. Some women participate because they've discovered they can get pleasure from it or they tolerate it because their husbands really enjoy it, but no woman should ever be forced or even pressured to have anal sex. P to V sex? That's "normal" and a part of marriage. Oral? Many guys expect it but I think it should be a form you're comfortable with, ie not swallowing if you didn't want to. But anal is something that should 100% be the woman's choice in my opinion.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you for the response I confronted him about this and if i wasnt that positive before i am now. He told me that he didnt write those messages that someone hacked them.

So i asked him when was the last time he used the website he said in years. I told him he was a liar. because in his browsing history it shows he has been on there and i dont know if he was so desperate to lie but he has been on there with i been next to him.

either way i told him iam done that i dont plan to be with someone i dont trust.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

He told me he wasnt going to do anything. but the intent is there. I deserve someone better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> He told me he wasnt going to do anything. but the intent is there. I deserve someone better.


Yes you do deserve better. Much better. I'm so pleased to 'hear' how much stronger you sounds now.

I hope you know that you cannot trust what he is saying. You have seen what he does and he just lies. It's unbelievable that people do this. 

Some people will tell you that you should work it out, that people can change. But here's how I see it. {I'm writing this so that you can come back here and read it in moments of doubt.}

He has raped you in the past by litterally forcing anal sex on you... to the point that you bleed. This one thing alone is enough to leave him. It's not only enough it's one of those things that make it so that you have no choice but to leave. If you stay with a man who does this your life will be hell. People (usually men) who use physical violence only escalate with time. It's not something that can usually be changed about a person.

All the rest is just more negatives that make your leaving him necessary.....

His guilting you into anal sex (and all the while you tell him that it hurts and causes you to bleed).

Him going on line to pick up women. Because he's a liar and he's admitted to having that account for years you have to assume that he has to be doing it all along. This points to him being a serial cheater. Serial cheaters seldom change.

He puts you down and demeans you (verbal/emotional abuse). This is what abusers do to tear down your self esteem so that they maintain control over you.

You can add more to this list... but those alone are huge.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

anon12 said:


> He told me he wasnt going to do anything. but the intent is there. I deserve someone better.


Yes you do. And if at anytime he starts to make you question yourself again, just remember these words. Are you able to move out soon or will he be the one leaving? The sooner, the better for all aspects of your health.

You have received some excellent advice in this thread (imo) and it's refreshing to see someone "wake up" and see things the way that they are. Please continue with the counseling. You have gone through a terrible ordeal (rape being at the forefront but not the only terrible aspect of this relationship) and it will take time to recover. I wish you the best because as you have said, you deserve better.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Thank you all when I got home from work he left me a letter apologizing but im not interested. Even though i felt like my heart was crumbling I cant go back. Ive hurt enough.

I feel bad that his is crying and pleading but i dont want to go thru this again a 4th time. He said he barely realized how wrong he was but I told him it was to late.
I feel like a total b$$$h but i have to think whats best for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anon12 said:


> Thank you all when I got home from work he left me a letter apologizing but im not interested. Even though i felt like my heart was crumbling I cant go back. Ive hurt enough.
> 
> I feel bad that his is crying and pleading but i dont want to go thru this again a 4th time. He said he barely realized how wrong he was but I told him it was to late.
> I feel like a total b$$$h but i have to think whats best for me.


When he crys and pleads remember that this is a show for your benefit. He is crying for himself that he will not have you around to abuse.

A person who can do to you what he did does not have the capcity for empathy. He could not have hurt you if he did have that capacity.


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Wow I felt tears well up in my eyes reading your post. You are still in what we call the honeymoon phase yet so sad, you are not feeling the joy a woman should feel after marrying the love of her life. Maybe thats becasue he is not the love of your life sweetheart and I hate to say this to you but its just what I feel.

I am no expert on marriage believe me becasue next month will be my 3yr anniversary and out of the 3 yrs 6 months we had a seperation because of infidelity, so trust me I know the stuggles of marriage. But what I also know is marriage is a blend of good times and bad, you stick through the bad because you have had many good but I don't even see the good thru your post. I know at some point you guys must of been happy if it lead to marriage but you seem so unhappy right now.

I to have a husband with a large sex appitite, marriage slowed it down because of all of our responsibilites and I did worry that becasue I had so much on my plate and didn;t have the time for wild sex 2 & 3 times a day anymore that he might feel the need to seek it elsewhere but tell yourself what I told myself. If this man truly loves me he will do what it takes meet me half way on this issue. If parenting stress or job stress is exhausting me leaving me to tired then he should pamper me or take the kids out or offer me a relaxing bath and massage so that more sex it possible. I had to let him know the relationship sex that was every single day when we was dating is impossible now because of obligations and responsibility but I will do everything I can to make love making a priority but you have to take some of the responsibility off of me when you can so I have the time, strength and energy.

I am sorry but it is troubling if you are having sex in a position that is hurting you and he sees it is hurting you and still wants to do it. I can understand why you have lost the desire to make love to your husband. A man that loves you doesn't want to see you hurting so the fact that he wants sex in a position despite the fact that its painful to you tells me he is very selfish..... don't put yourself throught this.

Seek couseling please and be prepared to walk away. If he really loves you he needs to prove it becasue he certainly not acting like it....


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## [email protected] (Jan 30, 2012)

Sorry I read the post and just jumped on the reply didn't realize this was posted so long ago so its seems you have taken some positive action in your marriage. Good for you.........


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Hi. I seem to be in need of more advice....

well this past few months have been stressful to say the least. Husband wanted us to reconcile. we even moved to a new apartment and everything you know trying it again.

The thing is even do he has done what i would call a 180 i just dont feel it in me anymore. I had so much resentment towards him alot of anger that when he was trying to be nice i would attack him. I didnt realize what a bad toll all of this took on me and him as well.

ever since the night were he almost tried to force anal on me and told me all those nasty things i just lost it. I have been sexually molested before not to such a bad degree but You still feel bad about it. I remember waking up and feeling the same way i did when i had the bad experience of being betrayed by other people i felt close to.

And although he tries hes the most sweetest person now i just feel like i cant. we havent had sex in 2 months. Just the thought makes me feel wierd. I feel like im hurting him because im not in it at all anymore but im afraid to leave. and I feel guilty because hes trying really hard.

any advice would be welcomed please......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has he been acting nicer? It would take man months, for you to feel safe with him if you ever can again.


Has he acknowledge to you the things he did wrong?

Did he appologize for forcing the anal sex?


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

well for all the months since everthing happened. he has recognized his wrongs and apologized but i cant get over it. 

I hated going out with and still kinda do because whenever a pretty girl would be by i wanted to cry and i had to remind myself mentally i was good enough. Thats when i realize m self esteem took a bad hit.
I couldnt trust him. im still out on the lookout waiting for a slip as bad as it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he's changed his behavior for about 5 months August - Jan.

In that time period you would only start to trust him. My bet is that it might take 2 years for you to really believe that he has changed.

But what he did in the past is bad enough that it might be very hard to ever trust him again.

Does he ever slip up in recent weeks and go back to the way he was before?


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Dear OP,usually guys like him will never change.nomatter what he say,do or apologize he will go back to all his previous actions.you seem a sweet girl and my advice to you just leave him,and go with your life you'll find someone better that deserve you,respect you emotionally and physically ,if you fall into the trap of him being nice now a year from now you will be under more abuse and if you have a child your stuck.
I wonder how he would feel if you did anal for him using abroom stick 
I hope you hear good news from you,good luck


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

No he doesnt. Not that I have seen so far.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

[email protected] opinion.Im considering it.


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## anon12 (Aug 1, 2012)

Hello everyone its me again lol looking for some more advice. first of all i would like to thank everyone for their feedback=) it really did help me when i was struggling so much.

well things with husband have gone from bad to worse. its my fault though. He has been very kind very understanding and very helpful. but my dilemma is how do you rekindle a love for someone that you have no respect for and unwillingly have anger towards.

Im so bad at this. i know many people say forget and forgive like its so easy or maybe it is but im not willing too. 

i have told him it was over several times but somehow without my saying or anything were back together? and i feel bad when he looks at me like im not sure if i feel love or pity that i say ok were back together. I feel like this isnt going anywhere but him and other people say i should try harder? 

I know marriage isnt easy it isnt for wimps but im not sure anymore.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

anon12 said:


> Hello everyone its me again lol looking for some more advice. first of all i would like to thank everyone for their feedback=) it really did help me when i was struggling so much.
> 
> well things with husband have gone from bad to worse. its my fault though. He has been very kind very understanding and very helpful. but my dilemma is how do you rekindle a love for someone that you have no respect for and unwillingly have anger towards.
> 
> ...


*You say it 's over but then you are back together? You did no follow up. You did not move out. You did not stop seeing him. You did not change your life. He doesn't believe you will leave him now. Sure he thinks you should try harder, he DOESN'T want you to leave, right? WEll duh!*


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## Happy Serendipity (Mar 22, 2013)

Paulination said:


> Your whole post is sad but this is a very alarming red flag. Sure, most men want to at least try anal sex (I have with my wife once) but there is no way that I would persue something she finds unsavory let alone painful. I would never want to hurt my wife and if it did, I would never try again.
> 
> No caring husband would leave you over this. I feel sad just thinking of the way you are phrasing this as if there is even a possibility that you are somehow wrong.
> 
> Leave this a$$hole ASAP. It will only get worse.


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## Happy Serendipity (Mar 22, 2013)

It's sad. You are so young and should be enjoying life to the full. The porn stuff is psychological abuse and the unwanted anal sex physical abuse - both forms of domestic violence. Is that what you signed up for?


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