# Choosing love



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I've seen this comment around here before - that you can choose to love someone.

I'm not sure I get that. Or are you saying once you love someone you choose to cultivate that relationship, therefore cultivate the love in the relationship?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Love is an investment. It's a verb. An action. You can choose to give it or not to give it.

I don't love my ex husband. I've withdrawn all the feelings associated with love when it comes to him. Every day I choose to deposit those feelings into my H. The things I do for him, the loving words I say to him... all things I choose.

I think of a simple question and then act on it. What have I done for my marriage today? If I want to cultivate our relationship, I have to make an effort to do so, grass doesn't stay green on it's own, it requires care. I approach my relationship the same way.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I don't know but I've started reading a book called Choose To Be Happy, so I guess its possible. I didn't realize you could choose your thoughts and feelings. I guess if you can control your thought somehow, it affects your feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think I can choose to love plenty. It's the like part that gets me hung up. LOL

There are people right now that I absolutely love but I choose for a variety of reasons to keep my distance because either they aren't good for me or I just don't like their behavior.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

They are separating Love the emotion from Love the action. The other person in the relationship cannot feel what we feel. Therefore, Love is action for them from us. They are calling Love the emotion, infatuation or desire. Love can be redirected as an action verb and the results can be a similar feeling of devotion or dedication which relates to the original feeling of Love. In my opinion, it is a way of protecting your sanity.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I think I can choose to love plenty. It's the like part that gets me hung up. LOL
> 
> There are people right now that I absolutely love but I choose for a variety of reasons to keep my distance because either they aren't good for me or I just don't like their behavior.


THIS. Liking is much harder than loving IMO. :smthumbup:


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've seen this comment around here before - that you can choose to love someone.
> 
> I'm not sure I get that. Or are you saying once you love someone you choose to cultivate that relationship, therefore cultivate the love in the relationship?


Many people talk about love as a feeling, but honestly that "feeling" will come and go, and then the word love becomes a verb(an action). People in a long-term committed relationship have to choose to love their significant other, even at the times when they don't necessarily 'like' them(** I am talking about the temporary emotions of not 'liking' the person, not major issues). My husband, at times, can drive me crazy, but I choose to love him anyways. I choose to love him for who he is. All relationships take some work, so you choose how it goes. The grass is greener where you water it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If love is an action word only, and we choose to love someone even when we feel nothing, what is the reason to stay?

A sense of loyalty? A desire to keep a quality of life? A pride in myself which doesn't allow me to break my word? I don't want to hurt my children?

There is no greater loyalty than to oneself.
I can only ever truly be satisfied with my quality of life, if I have achieved it on my own.
Giving my word is based upon a certain amount of knowledge. When that knowledge in increased, I must adjust my word.(divorce)
My children would be hurt more from living in a household without love than a household with only one biological parent.(Love is the key)


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I think you have to be attracted to someone and have certain things in common and common morals and I don't think that's altogether a choice


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Interesting. I think happy people also find it easier to choose love and both are a choice.

Postive additudes are the healthy choice on many levels. Physical and mental.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

homebuilder said:


> I think you have to be attracted to someone and have certain things in common and common morals and I don't think that's altogether a choice


Mother Theresa is the perfect example of someone who could love, no matter what. It was her choice to love those who most could not love.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I suggest reading the book. Love languages. Love is nothing more then a temporary feeling of euphoria that once it goes away you got to work on it by expressions of love to each other. In other words, once the raging inferno of loves hormones are gone, you got to add wood one piece at a time and stoke it often. 

I love fire. Wow, love....as a VERB!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> If love is an action word only, and we choose to love someone even when we feel nothing, what is the reason to stay?
> 
> A sense of loyalty? A desire to keep a quality of life? A pride in myself which doesn't allow me to break my word? I don't want to hurt my children?
> 
> ...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've seen this comment around here before - that you can choose to love someone.
> 
> I'm not sure I get that. Or are you saying once you love someone you choose to cultivate that relationship, therefore cultivate the love in the relationship?


Among numerous others, I have made this comment many times in this forum. Choosing to love means loving someone when they don't love you back. Loving someone that feels justified in ignoring or hurting or pursuing action against you. Loving someone who belittles you in front of other people and maybe even encourages them to chip in. Each of us chooses whether or not we want to be in relationship and whether or not we want to be loving in that relationship. Few of us are blessed with perfect partners. Love is an action and action is what defines us as a person. Loving is a choice.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What is an expression of love?

If actions are expressions of love, then what is love?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> What is an expression of love?
> 
> If actions are expressions of love, then what is love?


Just about anything that is good for your partner is an expression of love. 

For example. I hate doing the dishes. My wife hates them more. As an expression of love. I tell her, babe, I love you so much. I am going to do those dishes. 

BOOM! Next question.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's there. You didn't see it.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I've seen this comment around here before - that you can choose to love someone.


If you're thinking about a quote I had in mind (from a post by someone somewhere in TAM), if I remember correctly it says:


> "Love is a decision".


I do ponder about this too. The majority of it is true (love is actions, etc, etc). I can see that I am not feeling butterflies in my stomach anymore after say 1 year into marriage, but I still care for the wife (decide to engage in actions that show love).

Maybe it can be negatively proven i.e. "you can decide not to fall out of love with your partner" (something that cheaters fail to do).

(A=you love, B=you act lovingly) we can write it as
A => B is true (you love then you act lovingly)
not(B) => not(A) is also true (you don't act lovingly then you don't love), but
B => A is not always true (you act lovingly then you love) -- just basic math logic

Something like that....

HOWEVER, I have seen anecdotes across cultures that say if someone is with somebody long enough, there is for certain love to grow between them..... 


> "Witing tresno jalaran soko kulino"


(Oh, wait, that is a very old Javanese proverb) and again, logic goes to trash bin.

Something to think about for sure....


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Among numerous others, I have made this comment many times in this forum. Choosing to love means loving someone when they don't love you back. Loving someone that feels justified in ignoring or hurting or pursuing action against you. Loving someone who belittles you in front of other people and maybe even encourages them to chip in. Each of us chooses whether or not we want to be in relationship and whether or not we want to be loving in that relationship. Few of us are blessed with perfect partners. Love is an action and action is what defines us as a person. Loving is a choice.


I wouldn't be choosing to love someone leno behaved so badly. I'm worth a lot more than that.

I understand the concept of 'love as action' but it doesn't really work for me, except in the very short term. I act in a loving way towards my husband because I feel great love for him. If the emotion wasn't there, the actions would be hollow.

Mother Theresa loved in an impersonal way, she loved the image of Jesus she saw in every human. That's a great and rare gift, but it's not the same as loving a spouse, personally and in detail. I don't want to be loved in a general kind of way. I want to be loved specifically for who I am. Involuntarily.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I wouldn't be choosing to love someone leno behaved so badly. I'm worth a lot more than that.
> 
> I understand the concept of 'love as action' but it doesn't really work for me, except in the very short term. I act in a loving way towards my husband because I feel great love for him. If the emotion wasn't there, the actions would be hollow.
> 
> Mother Theresa loved in an impersonal way, she loved the image of Jesus she saw in every human. That's a great and rare gift, but it's not the same as loving a spouse, personally and in detail. I don't want to be loved in a general kind of way. I want to be loved specifically for who I am. Involuntarily.


I am sorry. I have to strongly disagree. Mother Theresa's love was in the most personal of ways. Caring for someone is always the most personal of ways. I doubt anyone cared for by Mother Theresa would call it impersonal. Nothing general about it, she cared specifically for the person and what they best needed.

Actually, I believe if married couples cared for each other in the same way they would experience a higher level of Love. Love is a choice. She made it unselfishly.

Could it be that some believe it is more what you get than what you give that equals true Love? Selfish love needs.


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