# Update on my situation and how it's unfair that now I have to file for the divorce



## Nosmoresmiles (Aug 25, 2017)

so I have posted a couple of times here and just wanted to post an update so first a quick brief for anyone that has not seen any of my posts my wife left originally with no explanation when I was away for a week for work ( I never spend time away this was a one time thing) so I came back and found her gone I then spent the next 2 months trying to find the reasons why and got lied to over and over reasons where she wanted to travel she loved me but not in love with me and so on. Eventually she confessed to an emotional affair. I told her to end it and then we could work on us she agreed then back tracked. 

Eventually she asked for a divorce and I said I did not want one but if that was the only option I wanted it to be done on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour that way there would be no waiting around for 2 years and she needed to deal with it. During this time she has confirmed my feeling that she does not really want the divorce she is using it to run away and not have to deal with things she has also said that she does still love me and has been missing me. I have not let this information stop me from putting the effort that I used to put into fighting for our marriage, into finding my self again. 

Then we get to Friday, I have had a call telling me that she can not file for this divorce on the grounds we set out and that I will have to do it, so now I am left to file for a divorce I do not want Whilst knowing that she does not really want it as well it feels unfair in so many ways. Today we meet to discuss what is going on and who will be paying what costs. During this she opened up about some family problems she has been having and I said I would listen but I wasn't going to get involved she said that was fine and began to talk. After she had finished I gave her my thoughts on a couple of issues just because I could relate to them and she said she was thankful for that and also made the statement of "your amazing you know that" I asked her what she meant and she said that even though everything is her fault and all the pain she has caused me I was still there for her. 

I responded to this by saying that I'm not amazing I'm just a normal guy that looks out for the people I care about no matter what has happened. I said I can't be that amazing otherwise I wouldn't always end up alone. This took her back and made her think about everything that had happened, she said once again that it would be so easy to go back to how we was before any of the issues the only thing in her way was the guilt she felt when she looked at me. I said to her that " it's time you stopped running away nothing is as broken as it appears, nothing is irreparable if only you would stop running and start to deal with the situation you would see that" she asked how I deal with it, how I still manage to smile when I look at her, how I still don't hate her for everything that she has put me through. 

I told her I have my good days and bad days the difference is I am thinking about what has happened, I cry when I need to, when things are tough, I smile when I can, when I see or hear something that reminds me of a memory of us, and by doing these things it helps me go about my day to day business knowing that I tried my best to make things workout but your not ready.

I didn't say anything today that I didn't mean and I didn't say anything to try and hurt her even though some of it may sound that way it's just my honest response to questions and statement she made to me 

The main reason for this post is because I feel better after I have written everything down but I feel even better after I put it out there for others to read and reply if they wish. I feel like I'm talking to people that understand my situation and not that I'm talking to someone and they are feeling sorry for me that's not what I want or need. This is one of my ways that I deal with everything in my head.

So to sum everything up 
I'm still getting a divorce but now I'm having to do it 
I'm still working on myself 
I still love my wife but I know it's her time to show me it's worth the fight I haven't given up I have just taken a step back. 

If you are reading this and have made it this far I thank you again for reading my story I know it's long winded and a little bit of a ramble.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Please break up the first long bit into smaller paragraph chunks. That said, I'm sorry for what you went through, and it is kind of odd to return home to a spouse who left.

In the past it seems like you tried to convince her that what she was doing was wrong and that if she stopped running away things would be ok. People who cheat don't like to listen to things like this too much and if they do it doesn't last for long without them honestly wanting to change.

You need to do more than take a step back. Look into the 180 and do it so you can separate yourself from all the tangle of emotions etc.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It isn't unusual at all for a ws to not file or finish things and leave it up to the BS to do the work. 

At this point you need to take what most of what she says with a grain of salt. She wants to keep you engaged and attached so your getting lip service. She wants to keep all her options open. The reality is if she wanted to come back and try to repair the marriage she would say it. She doesn't.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Shes bat #hit crazy . You will be far better off far far away from her.


Sorry not what you want to hear but you know deep down its true.

Good luck even though I don't think you need it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Just have her served. That will wake her up. She does not have to cooperate. The divorce is for you, not her. Move on with your life. She has told you by her behavior everything you need to know. If you think the affair was only emotional think again. She disappeared and closed the deal. Now she is torn whether to stay with the affair partner who may not be available or to go back to you. Leaving you in limbo meanwhile.

Just dump her and fast. Life is too short to spend it suffering for liars and cheaters.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Use it to your advantage and get the best terms possible.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Doing nothing is always an option.

Just work on yourself and ignore her.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If it's unreasonable behaviour you're petitioning under, then she's right.

As the person wanting to cite it, you have to be the petitioner. She is the respondent.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Reading between the lines, she might be telling you that she left over an EA, but her reluctance to do so has been falsely conveyed to you because in the vast majority of cases, wayward spouses flee the home because they’re already reaping the benefits of having sex with their affair partner, and because of that physical and perpetual dopamine high that they’re on, they are most reluctant to ever give up that new “drug” of choice!

File for divorce immediately and give both of you some freedom! And please get checked out by your MD for any presence of any latent STD’s!*


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

If she really loved you, nothing and no one would be able to keep her away.This
I gotta have some space, I gotta work on me or however she puts it is bull****
You sound like a good guy go out and find a good woman, believe me the world is ripe with them.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Nosmoresmiles said:


> *She also made the statement of "You arr amazing ,you know that?" I asked her what she meant and she said that even though everything is her fault and all the pain she has caused me I was still there for her.*


This tells me everything I need to know. About you.

Her?
She is a coward. She waited until you left and then deserted you. This is weak.
That said, she cheated on you with this guy, 90% chance she had sex, multiple times, likely daily.

100% chance they have been involved for months before she left you.

And she knows it is all on her. And it is.

I love your approach, going through with the divorce. You are a classy man who takes his responsibilities seriously, loves truly.
And expects the same in return.

Kudos...divorce her. Make her do the repairing....your words, my echo.


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