# Is there a Solution for Lack of Desire - Stale



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So over the last few years I feel as if I have been struggling within myself with my marriage and our SEX LIFE.

I have read a bunch of books such as MMSLP and dozens others out there on this subject. In addition I have worked on myself massively, lost weight, work out with a trainer, altered my diet, worked on my reactions ( being calm instead of frustrated, relaxing vs reacting ) 

I have had coaching from different coaches and counselors around the topics of intimacy and sex. I DESIRE badly to create a passionate and romantic marriage with my wife.

There are several factors that come into play with her and our dynamic. She is a new Mom, our daughter is now 5, we have a new business of 7 months ago in which we work together.

We create a date night once per week however that sometimes works everything seems to fall in control of my wife.

We have had some straight conversations around sex and our coming together, what I need, what I want and how us being connected sexually makes me feel more connected.

Every time I bring up a conversation my wife reacts abruptly and extreme as if she has adrenal fatigue , she seems to always be kind of tired and she can focus on work for long periods of time yet when it comes to any initiations - it seems like she always has an excuse for why she can't, she doesn't feel well, her body aches etc .. She is now 47..

My wife is spoiled rotten in many ways, she has a great life, I provide for the family, we enjoy family time but sex just happens to be off the table frequently.

Lately when I bring up us spending sexual time together she has stated that just because we are married I am not entitled to her having sex with me ... she seems to get very extreme with her reactions.

from a compassionate view, I see her as being stressed and tired and overwhelmed by one more thing she has to deal with and it seems as though our sexual connection is just one more thing on the list she has to do..

What is weird is I do a lot, I pick up dinners or we go to dinner almost every night, lunch and I cook my own breakfast for me and daughter. I help a lot and I am a great husband, supportive, patient and never start any issues or have issues with anything else she ever does...

I am the perfect catch from may people's perspective, positive, don't drink, don't smoke, make her life easier ..

I just don't know how the hell to have a shift and we have been stuck here now for years. We had sex one time 3 weeks ago and the last time before that 4 months before that .

It seems like once we started the business with the added stress that our sex and one time per week to two weeks dwindled down to almost nothing now.. or for her to satisfy me every week or two she may offer me a sensual massage..

I just wish more then anything I could SOLVE this... She doesn't want to see a doctor and she has fear of medications and hormones from the doctor ... its crazy .s he swears she is fine yet this issue seems to be changing into her being on the computer and working more than us connecting ..

How do I deal with this, what the hell do I do with my urge to have sex with her ? Is there any women out there or men that can share some INSIGHTS. The last I have been on here 
was months back..

Im PUZZLED and I desperately want an answer to some thing I can do myself with me - that will CRACK this wicked spell...

Thanks,


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think in some cases, the most important thing you can do is accept that this will never change, and ask yourself honestly, "if this never changes, what am I going to do?"

If your answer is "I don't know", then you'll stay stuck until you know.

If your answer is "I guess I would just live with it and stay miserable forever", then get ready to face this life.

If your answer is "I would eventually leave", then you have a teeny tiny chance of creating some change.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

I can only suggest that you stay calm and focus on talking with your wife. I am in a similar situation. My wife has it all but in some cases wants more. I am going to be intrigued by what other people say.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Your wife has it all but wants more ? Explain that ?


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear happybuddha

1) She does not have to work

2) She can do what she wants

3) She has complete freedom to do anything

4) She seems to think that marriage is one sided in that I should satisfy her not that we should satisfy each other.

Hope this explains the situation


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

how is your sex life ? Do you have sex ? 
Hmm, I have worked on so many different ideas with mine 
and have bent over backwards to make things easier for her 
to see if I can help her get more space and yet that doesn't work 
either ...


----------



## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

1. She isn't attracted to you. You have to reattract your wife. It's a tricky puzzle to crack that secret code. With all the help you have gotten from coaching and such I am surprised nothing has made a difference. Best suggestion I have is to take the lead in your marriage, make your wife the priority, learn her love language and hit the top three as often as possible and initiate without asking if its ok and take the rejection like a mans man.

2. She does not believe its important. The only way to penetrate that issue is to destabilize the marriage telling her you wont live like that and its fix or else you want out. Remove every excuse about being tired. Get her away from all that and make her life easier then call bull$hit and continue to destabilize.
At the moment there is no incentive for her to change or make an effort. Rock the boat and kick her out of her comfort zone and be willing to leave the marriage if she does not bend. People treat you the way you train them to


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

We do not have a sex life, the last time we had sex was on the wedding night, eight years ago. I have tried everything, probably like you. I am beginning to think that at 62 my sex life is over, my wife is 58. It is the fact that she will not discuss it that hurts me, simply being near each other and talking about it would help. Until three months ago, I had not discussed this with anyone, I think it is the last taboo, what would happen if I withdrew all my financial support for my wife.


----------



## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> what would happen if I withdrew all my financial support for my wife.


This often works. Decide if you want to live without sex or decide no and make your move knowing you might have to leave and start over. 

I did so and it worked. 

3rd to last step. Destabilize to see if it generates a breakthrough with the sex issue, comprehension and the give a $hit your wife currently does not possess

2nd to last step. File serve and separate after you separate finances do a 180 and go dark removing marriage like behaviors

3rd step. Reconcile only if the issues is resolved. 

I spent 2 months learning how to detach , then did so and then dropped the bomb I was ready to leave. It worked I did not have to go to the last two extremes but many do. 

Its a choice. You will be proud to have the balls to go for it choosing better for yourselves than the current power struggle leaving you powerless. You have power of choice and independence. Use it or settle for misery. The choice is all yours.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Lately when I bring up us spending sexual time together *she has stated that just because we are married I am not entitled to her having sex with me *... she seems to get very extreme with her reactions.


She's right about this. She doesn't owe you anything. Nor do you owe her anything. Marriage is about trying to make each other happy by putting the other's desires in front of your own--sometimes when the other doesn't really deserve it. You can't make her want to make you happy--she can only decide that on her own. All you can do is decide whether you want to keep making her happy.


----------



## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> what would happen if I withdrew all my financial support for my wife.


You can't do that. It's against the law. She could sue you for support.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sammiee said:


> You can't do that. It's against the law. She could sue you for support.


But of course it is perfectly legal for her to deny him sex.

This is why a lot of men no longer want to get married.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

because if the law required women to provide sex that would be awesome?

ew.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> because if the law required women to provide sex that would be awesome?
> 
> ew.


:rofl:


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> because if the law required women to provide sex that would be awesome?
> 
> ew.


That entirely depends on the woman being required to provide me with sex. 

I could get over at least a little 'ew' factor.


----------



## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Dude, you don't have a wife you have a room-mate. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a room-mate?

I'd sit down with her and explain that you are unhappy in your marriage. Let her know what YOUR requirements are for the marriage. If she doesn't feel(or want) to meet your needs at least you know where you stand. Then you'll have to decide whether to stay or D.

Given all the work you've been putting into the marriage I think you should divorce her. I'm guessing you're 40's-50's? Do you want to spend the next 30 years in a relationship like this?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> What is weird is I do a lot, *I pick up dinners or we go to dinner almost every night,* lunch and I cook my own breakfast for me and daughter.


What in the world? You pick up dinner or eat out MOST NIGHTS??

What is your wife doing all day? This just seems blatantly wrong unless she is also working full time. Still not good, still not healthy.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

There's a lot of discussions here on HD/LD RELATIONSHIP, read them for suggestions but I agree to the other posts, you need to let her know that not giving you physical attention is torture and if she's not willing there's others who would be more willing. At least, discuss a reasonable times per week that would satisfy both of you. Also ask her to go to her doctor to see if it's not hormonal and go with her to the appointment since this is a couple issue.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Thanks. I think its something mental and physical. Noticed that once she was pregnant a lot has changed. I think having a child induced some form of change in her mind to how her parents may have been and acted when they were married. I don't think her parents were good role models for a loving relationship with intimacy. In fact I don't think they even had talks with their kids about sex or showed physical affection towards one another..

Somehow she has been conditioned I think that once your a parent your responsibilities over take intimacy, I am just guessing ..

I think the other issue is a control issue. If I had sex and got my desires met she wouldn't have full control and I think the way its going right now she says entitled and that I just want sex, she can be in control by telling me no, this allows her to do more of what she wants and perhaps have me do what she wants ..maybe its not intentional and perhaps its a subconscious thing..

She still gets upset about her parents passing away years back. She got upset last night and that kind of killed the initiation and flirting I was doing .. I feel bad for her - I suggested she talk with someone and she insisted she is ok , she doesn't have to see someone - she is juts sad about them dying ... but that overrode any idea of spending time.

She seems to always have issues lately and I really think she's avoiding all sex and spending time.. she's tired, she's hurting, she's working ..

She does work a lot with me and her running a company and also being a Mom.. I just wish I could help her get back her libido ...even if I have a calm conversation she reacts or freaks out ..

Perhaps its a combination of libido at pre-mob-pause, adrenal fatigue, parent induced responsibilities and what her parents showed her, and control issue, and being overworked..

The thing is when we had more money and she wasn't over worked it was still kind of in place - our daughter goes to school now..

There must be some way to have her face her issues without an ultimatum from me or divorce papers.. Perhaps there is some way for me to change my behavior that could cause her to think a lot about what she is doing --

at the moment I seem to be the last thing on her mind where the first thing is sleeping and being in peace...Maybe I need to just be at work more, around less, do less, and figure out what will make me happy ...its just lonely when you feel turned on and the only person that will satisfy me is me....

Perhaps I am trying way too hard, but I am starting to feel less inspired to conquer the world, make money, and do things because I miss physical connection which is my love language ...

I don't know- God knows I have been asking this question, having conversations and being patient for years now ..


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like she might be depressed, stressed and/or have anxiety. Or maybe she just have a low desire. I doubt she is going to change no matter how cushy you make her life. You have two choices, except the situation and be happy with the good parts of your marriage or leave. I know you are frustrated but there is really nothing you can do to get her libido higher. I suggested doing activities that make you happy.


----------



## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

I hate to be the one to bring it up... could there be someone else?

I had to go ape**** on my wife. She got how important sex is to me and she does her best to go 1x per week. I'd like more.

I started working out more and detaching a little bit. seemed to be working. slowly.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week is she working at this company that you two have started?

You say that you have tried a lot of things. Was it you alone doing these things? 

You mention a once a week date... and I think you implied that it does not always happen. Is that right?

I'm getting the impression that the two of you do not spend much time together.. just the two of you. Is that right? If who why is that?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife does sound depressed and tired. She might be going into menopause which can cause a lot of issues.

Eating out a lot and eating a lot of take-out is not really healthy. I do that when I do that a lot, I start to feel run down, tired and get sick a lot. Restaurant food is not very healthy they way it's done anymore. Just saying..


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

We eat at healthy organic and vegan restaurants. We are both on a great diet.

it's been me working on all of these things on my own...working on me...she just doesn't want to bothered and it seems like she will pull every excuse in the book to sleep or be left alone either sleeping or working ...
.
there isn't anyone else ...


she works out 4 to 5 times a week and 2 of those times are with a female trainer....

she works from 10 am to 5 pm..and sometimes from 8 pm to 10 pm on computer at home....

in fact i put my daughter to sleep like every night of the week between 7 and 8pm..to give her time and sometimes give her bath as well so wife has time....

This last night i went to kiss her...and she shut out light. .because she wanted to watch tv..which she did for two hours ...

then she said can't you see I'm not responding..i said i want to spend time with you..she said well i want peace . I can't get any time to myself ...sun..mon..tue..wed..thur. we watched tv or she worked on her computer until 1030..or more...

i have left her be or just held her hand or cuddled with her ....

this night last night she got upset...and i said it's normal to want to be with you and she got up and is sleeping in other room on the sofa. ...

her perspective is twisted ...i don't hardly ask her to do anything ...and i give her space ...and yet..she acts as if i am asking the world of her to have sex...

last time we had sex...was 3 weeks ago..and time before that was 4 months prior...it's seemed to have gotten worse since we started business ....but we have had chances and time but she always seems to find something else to be busy with. ..

we have someone who comes to clean the place ...my daughter is in school from 8 am to 5 pm...

she doesn't cook dinner or lunch ..and i cook my own breakfast and clean my dishes and cook breakfast for daughter too...

i work from 740 to 5 pm and sometime at night ...

even when i brought in all the income for the last 5 years before she started working ..she always had some excuse. ..

this whole ..just because we are married doesn't mean your entitled to sex...statement bothers me....

i am a great guy..great husband..provide a lot..extremely supportive and patient ... i have read 5 love languages...

she is quality time..we go to lunch together every day and some day's i bring lunch back to office for her...we sit together and i feel we spend lots of time...

i want a better sex...life.....i think i got one BJ...in last year..most time we have sex...i go down on her ....when we do...many times every 2 weeks if she doesn't want sex..she will offer to give me sensual...massage ..so i fell good. .for a while that was our sex...life.....

her leaving and sleeping on sofa last night is extreme ...she always exaggerates ever thing ...if we talked last night she will say we talk about this every day when factually it's first time in 3 months. .she then gets upset and can't deal with it.....


it really does hurt..she doesn't want to work on this together ..many times she will push issue onto me and suggest i have issues ....and sometimes she will react extremely and say maybe you should find someone else to have sex...with...which i know she doesn't mean...

when i suggested we schedule a day out of the week to have sex...she sent me a email complaining that you can't schedule sex...and that maybe i should hire someone to have sex...you can't have sex..with someone who doesn't feel like it...

i do think it could be a blend of ..stress..age..hormones. .and some depression. .she sleeps in a bunch and it's hard to wake her up in am...definitely NO...morning sex....and no sex during the week....

seems to only have a small chance on weekend ..

I feel like last priority in her life is to connect with me sexually...iit puts me in a hard position ....I feel bad now even for wanting it based on how she reacts to me....

I am a great looking guy..huge heart..I work out 5 times a week and am very intelligent. ..in awesome shape...more now then ever....I have more energy...and yet ...this lack of sex...is really weighing on me...especially because she doesn't seem to think it's important to focus on a solution on this...



What do I want...I want a sex...life...
.I want to take a romantic getaway..with wife...I want have a lunch date...go on a pleasure retreat...have sex...once in a while in the am....hey it would be heaven...if I had sex...2 to 3 times per week...
.I bet I can have sex...2 times per day if she wanted it...would love oral sex....


I know sex...isn't everything in life ..just want her to be interested in us...and a sexual connection...

It puts me in a tough situation ...wish there was something I could do ...I've tried non sexual touch for a while..hugs every day..doing more stuff her her ...gifts...creating more time for her ...

listening more than talking ...working out more to vent..extra sexual energy...reading lots of books...

perhaps I need to get her upset ..to shift or face what is really the truth vs...letting her be where she is ....she's probably thinking about it ...if she gets upset and states I discuss this everyday...maybe it's in her head......and seems that way to her ......

I don't know....

sure wish I could solve this....life would be much better and I'd be much more productive with everything ....

right now this has got much of my attention ....and yet I can't find anything to shift this blocked space around sex...and now I'm laying in bed by myself


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no problem to solve, at least, from her point of view. Sex isn't important to her or sex with you isn't important to her and whatever has you in a twist isn't important to her. The only problem she has is that you occasionally still bring up that pesky sex thing. 

One person can't fix a couple's problem. She's getting all she desires whether she performs or participates or not. You might start by not making excuses for her. She's not a new mom if your child is 5. She's not fatigued if she throws down and gives to everyone on the planet but you. You have been to several counselors and coaches, so I assume this low-sex issue has troubled you for quite a while. When did she quit acting like a real wife (if she ever did)? If she used to have a reasonable interest in having sex with you but now she doesn't, there might be a medical reason. If she has always been a little tardy with sex and it got progressively worse, especially after the wedding and after the birth of your child, what you currently have is probably the authentic "her" and what you dated was an act. 
If the question is how to motivate her to improve performance, rewarding poor performance doesn't seen to be a logical answer. You might try figuring out what she values about the relationship and linking that with what you want from her. If you had a poor performing employee at your business and you wanted them to step up their game, it's unlikely that you'd give them raises, do their work for them, and blow loads of powder sugar up their behind.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

It all changed as soon as she was pregnant. Hey we used to have great sex...she was agressive...desired me and I made less money and was probably 25 lbs heavier then now and in worse shape...I'm in better shape them I have ever been...

I think it's medical.
.she had a c section..and fibroid removed in addition to losing her parents years back...

but the shift happened once she was pregnant. ...

she has admitted a few years ago she's gotten lazy around sex...and her libido is low...she doesn't want it with me or anyone else ......

but what's weird is a few things...one she tales great care of her body and skin...more than even getting a check up at doctor ..

she works out and has energy for 4 to 5 times per week...at gym..

she also can stay up late for work..she has no boundaries around working for our business through the night but she has all these rules around us..and sex...

like its too late ...
I don't feel like it...
not now ...

yet work can exist first thing when she wakes up she's on computer ..first thing when she gets home and through the night ...yet boundaries on sex...at mind many reasons why she cant...

I also thinks she's paronoid...of doctors and feels she is fine..she seems to be scared that they would want to give her hormones or meds...I suggested going to natural doctor and she then says I'm pressuring her..to leave her alone


----------



## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> We eat at healthy organic and vegan restaurants. We are both on a great diet.
> 
> it's been me working on all of these things on my own...working on me...she just doesn't want to bothered and it seems like she will pull every excuse in the book to sleep or be left alone either sleeping or working ...
> .
> ...


Your problem has been bolded above. She has no respect for you! You have taken everything she has thrown at you.

The way I see it is you have only one thing to do. I am borrowing this from another poster. Get a business card from a marriage counselor and one from a divorce lawyer and hand them to her and TELL her to chose one and mean it.


----------



## Mountainman (Apr 19, 2015)

I feel for you man, your situation is similar to mine and I know how difficult it is and what you're going through. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years, the first 7 were awesome, great sex 2-3 times a week or more, date nights, lots of cuddle time, etc. I was on cloud 9 until about the end of year 7 and then it all came unraveled in a matter of months. She used to work for her mom's company and decided she wanted to be a paramedic so she asked me about it and told me it's what she really wanted and it'd make her happy. At the time my wife was suffering from debilitating migraines several days a week, yes week, not month. I figured she'd drop out at some point when it became too tough for her but she soldiered through, EMT, Firefighter, and Paramedic training somehow. It was during the first couple of months she started school that things began to change and I mean drastically to the point where she's not the same person I married at all. Needless to say the first thing to go was our sex life and 7 years later it's nowhere near any better, we've averaged 3-4 times a year now for 7 years. I've always had a higher drive but not by that much I didn't think based on how things were but now of course there's little to no interest on her part. I don't believe there's anyone else, my wife is simply put not a cheater and never has been. When she went to school I became Mr. Mom for our 3 kids, 1 of them being mine from a previous marriage. Here I am 7 years later still doing everything while she does nothing but work, eat, sleep and watch countless hours of TV. I'm not trying to kill your hope but I like you at one time thought it would get better but it hasn't. I do all of the cooking, 95% of the cleaning, pick kids up from school every day, grocery shopping, homework help, so basically I do pretty much all of the heavy lifting so to speak in terms of our home life. She basically goes to work and comes home and does little to nothing. She's laid in bed and missed out on so much of our kids' lives it's not even funny, we used to live 2 minutes from their school and she couldn't make their school plays and stuff but could work a 24 hour shift the next day on an ambulance. It doesn't matter how much I do for her it's never good enough, she says she appreciates me but bottom line is she's spoiled rotten and I'm partly to blame for it. She's used to having what she wants when she wants it and I get stuck with all the work around the house and with the kids. She suggested a separation because she just isn't "happy" because we've changed so much, in reality she changed drastically and I freaked out so we're left with the remnants of a once strong marriage that has morphed in to roommates with kids. I have basically begged for her to work things out and I'm still at the house currently but my point to you is until something drastic changes for her and she's put out of her comfort zone where you take care of so much for her nothing will change. I didn't used to think so but now I'm the one considering leaving though I haven't said anything, the only thing keeping me here is my kids. I have a great relationship with them and don't want to hurt them, they didn't even know we were having problems until my wife and I talked to them about me staying someplace else from time to time. At this point I'm assuming this is my life from now on with little hope for change, my wife has energy to work a very stressful job but none for cooking, cleaning, taking kids to school, etc. She can however go out with her friend for drinks every couple of months but we rarely go out to eat, she asks me to bring it here because she doesn't feel good. My wife has history of a bad childhood and I get that but it was never an issue before and now it's almost become an excuse in my mind, her mom agrees by the way which is saying something. I feel like I'm a good catch for someone, I don't say that to brag but I'm a good dad and husband. I do everything for this woman and I guess that's the problem, she has little to no responsibility and I have plenty. I can never feel worse than her either, if I have the flu she'll have something worse and I'll end up having to get up and cook dinner or she'll be working so I'll be stuck doing it anyway. The only thing making her a wife is a piece of paper because she does nothing to lead anyone to believe she is one by what she does for me or the kids. I'm quickly growing tired of her excuses and frankly I'm losing respect for her too because she's taking advantage of me and has been for years. What gripes my behind is she says the separation was more to force her to take care of the kids and house since I wouldn't be here. Huh? I have to be gone so you're forced to take care of the kids you begged me to have? That's pathetic pure and simple, good parents are pro-active and aren't forced to care for the kids. My kids are 10,13,&19 so they're old enough to do plenty for themselves but they deserve to have their mom do things with them and for them too. Therapy isn't an option as she sees nothing wrong with the situation so I have to decide if I can live with this or not. I'm trying at the least to make it until my daughter graduates HS but I don't know if I can or not, the saddest thing is I still love her very much and desire the connection we had. I have accepted the fact it's never going to happen though, if after 7 years it's not fixed I'd say it is what it is. My wife has said if I weren't here she'd appreciate all I did more but I have a hard time staying someplace else because she works odd hours and gets held over shift all the time. I know I've been weak and should've put an end to this nonsense years ago but here I sit trying to do the best for my kids and be the peacemaker but in the process I'm missing out on life. I'm 42 so I still have plenty of life left in me and I'm active with my kids all the time but I miss adult time and I get very little, if we talk it's always about her job and little else. Take my advice and don't let it go for many more years like you are because if you don't do anything to make your wife uncomfortable she has no reason to change anything, I'm living proof believe me. Good luck to you, I hope you fair better than I have to this point.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Normally I give people a few bread crumbs and tips to get there hopes up to then make them buy my collection of 6 DVDs, 12 Books, and a slew of never ending seminars and on how to heal a HD/LD relationship into a non-stop sex brawl. I'm feeling somewhat philanthropic today, so I'll cut to the chase and give the answer for free:

In an HD/LD relationship the HD partner must learn to develop an acquired taste for the fetish of erotic denial so that then he/she will crave rejection and get pleasure from it. Once achieved the relationship becomes a nonstop tantric experience. 

Cheers,
Badsanta


----------



## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Search on youtube for coach Corey Wayne. You need to get your wife chasing you again.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ok, so your wife is simply a selfish person who is willing to see you scurry around taking care of everything. It appears that on the whole you do twice as much as she does.

If I were you, I would have a foundational discussion where you ask her:

"What do you think is the purpose of marriage?"
"What do you think are our respective roles in this marriage?"

Then you share your perspective. Marriage is a partnership of equals which means:

Both partners put equal effort into running the home.
Both partners consider the other's need equal to their own and live that out through their actions.

Then:

She has fallen far short of that by refusing to meet your needs, and moreover she ridicules and mocks you. Acknowledge that in her view of marriage she has no obligation to you, but that goes both ways. So, you are changing the way you interact with her.

And then set out to do some stuff for you. Get some outside hobbies. Spend some money on yourself - an expensive hobby, a theater season pass, etc. The point is to do something you enjoy that she notices. Let her see you can have a fulfilling life without her and that you have removed the pedestal.

Make it clear that you need someone happy to share that with you (cheerfully if not lustily). If she is a decent person, she will make genuine strides in treating you better. Otherwise (and most likely) she will protest and cop an attitude. 

If she says "find a sex partner", you say "I need a lady who is invested in my happiness enough to want to meet my needs, including sex. Are you saying you are not that person?"

If she makes a threat about the outcome of your actions, tell her you have thought this through. You have concluded this situation is the worst possible and any change would be an improvement.

If she says that men are supposed to serve women or that she is out of your league (you should be happy to have her / who else would want you), divorce her.


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT what a predicament I am in . horny and want to have sex with my wife and no one else and she seems to be checked out of this


----------



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

does sex inhibit your spiritual growth . what is the viewpoint on this ?


----------

