# How do you define D Day? (warning: possible triggers)



## sandals (May 8, 2014)

Just curious about how you define D Day. Is it the item that triggers suspicion? The actual confrontation? The confirming piece of evidence? 

I've had all 3...and in trying to lay it out so that I can synthesize and heal, I'm not sure how to define.

Apr 3: initial discovery of ILY emails and money transfer (followed by period of denial from WH)
(Until April 25, more circumstantial evidence finding)
April 25: 1st VAR, flirtation, sexual comments, hand-holding
May 2: after a week of VAR, proclamation of love to OW and disgust expressed to me
May 9: Demonization of me and marriage, assurances to OW to not feel guilty, future plans for D (2 year time line), etc...I honestly can't remember it all. 

The last one did me in. So I would call that D Day. But would this be multiple D days?

Sandals
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Mine is pretty easy to define, it's the day my WW confessed to having an affair. I would define D Day as the day you discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that your spouse was cheating on you and often coincides with a direct confrontation with the WS.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Mine was when I looked at my husband's phone and found the texts. When I knew for sure.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Mine was when I raided my ex's FB account and read every single message he sent to his many flings.

I had suspicions but of course he'd deny it every time I brought it up. 

He got messy one day and I had enough and knew FB would be where I found the damning evidence.

That day crushed me...

No one should ever have to read the things I saw.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

The evening I read the graphic e-mails from the POS excrement OM on her secret hotmail account, followed by the texts I later read on her iphone. That's DDay pure and simple.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

March 2 2013 758AM The image of the clock is still burned in my mind.

I'm up first. I think. "I wonder what the weather is going to be." Use her comp. She left email up. Top one. Email from inbred illiterate ex, "Are Mareidge" ('Our marriage' for those half or more literate) Very inappropriate and clearly ramping up.

And what I found is MILD compared to most here.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Dday 1 Memorial Day 2012, I read a transcript of her cybersex session. Dday 2, May 9, 2014, I was in the process of recovering deleted messages from her phone when she freaked out and took her phone back. I didn't see anything, but I knew.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Many different classifications of Dday here, I don't know the day you found out either by confession or snooping.

The day the Ws met the OP or started the ea/pa is also a day as well, everything changed after that.

Maybe it is any day that infidelity changed the course of your marriage in which case I have had several of those days.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> My D day is the day she met him, October 29th.


Interesting, JA. I think most of us would consider Dday to be the day we knew beyond doubt (by whatever means) that a betrayal had occurred.

for me: June 11, 2006. Discovered email to OM printed out and kept in wife's purse.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

May 11, 2011, 9.01pm 

His cellular buzzed, "Hi Honey, love ya!"

The one & only time he 'forgot' to hang on to it. 

-sammy


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> October 29th was always the date I lost my life as I knew it.


Indeed. Sigh. That date in 1929 was Black Tuesday as well.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

johnAdams said:


> Yes, I think I had a bit of a unique situation. I know D Day is Discovery Day, but, I really cannot pin point the exact date I found out about all the details....sometime in early December. That date was never significant to me. To me, October 29th was always the date I lost my life as I knew it.


Similar thoughts to what Mr. Adams states, as the details unfolded over time Christmas became my D-Day, last time I was fully in the dark about the situation. After that things started coming out, small things that led to other discoveries that changed my life as well as how I look at things forever.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Aug 5, 2009, 7pm... My grown daughter calls home. Wife takes call in bedroom, I hear pleading, wailing from across the house. Pick up the phone and in 10 sec years of suspicion are instantly confirmed. DD.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

RWB said:


> Aug 5, 2009, 7pm... My grown daughter calls home. Wife takes call in bedroom, I hear pleading, wailing from across the house. Pick up the phone and in 10 sec years of suspicion are instantly confirmed. DD.


Was it your daughter who spilled the beans, then?

It's been a while for you, RWB. Are you still on track with R?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

RWB said:


> Aug 5, 2009, 7pm... My grown daughter calls home. Wife takes call in bedroom, I hear pleading, wailing from across the house. Pick up the phone and in 10 sec years of suspicion are instantly confirmed. DD.


Yea... huh? Context for the win!!! LOL.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

sandals said:


> The confirming piece of evidence?


The moment I opened the detail on the Verizon bill my world turned up-side-down.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

OP, I think your first date was your D-day... whether you were giving him the benefit of the doubt or needed more evidence to convince yourself what was really happening is a different story.

I don't consider those following things additional Ddays as it was more of the same - evidence that he was cheating.

I think the Trickle Truth in recovery can be considered Ddays, as could any time no contact is broken or you catch them cheating again.

Proof of cheating to me is proof of cheating. In my case, seeing his dating profile was all I needed to determine that yes, he was cheating. There was more to the story but I didn't need the additional information to feel as though I had confirmed my suspicions. In my case, I felt a VAR would have been overkill. I knew he was cheating on me and that was more than enough for me to kick him out.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1999 - computer logs popped up with chats. I would have had no clue.

May 2010 - email. My wife changed her password and I did not know. She left her computer on. They never used that email and the OM screwed up by contacting her that way.

Nov 2011 - youngest son installed a GPS in her car. She was 20 miles away from Walmart, as that is where she told me she was shopping.

Feb. 2013 - VAR in car.

Too many. 

I asked her the other day if there has been any contact since April 2013. She said, God made it very clear that it was the last train for her. Get on it, confess everything, or it was the end of the road. That she was headed for utter destruction if she did not end it then and there. 

She said she would not go there again. The destruction of two families, her children, etc would be too much to bear. That she saw the destruction she created and does not want to ever go there again. That me and our kids mean too much to her.

I am still not there in the trust department but now that she is chronically ill I feel that she thinks God is punishing her for what she has done. She was crying this morning as she has had three horrible days of being very ill and virtually bed ridden.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

June 12, 2012

I picked up her iPad, and the conversation that I saw unfolding before my eyes very nearly broke me. That 1.46 lbs of plastic, glass, and silicon instantly became a 40,000 ton freight train aimed squarely at my chest.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

DDay 1

March 18th 2012: She told me she had "been in love with another man" but that "nothing physical had happened". Swore she was over it and on the kids' lives that it hadn't been reciprocated, or physical. But for this admission I wouldn't have found out and her POSOM would not have finished with her.

DDay2

April 8th 2012: I found she had been searching for the guy's name on Google I suspected she had "been in love with". I went around to his house. But for me going around, her POSOM would not have finished with her.

DDay3

May 16th 2012: She broke down after the umpteenth questioning session by me and admitted they had "kissed" and nothing else. In a very real sense I knew everything at that point, although she didn't _admit_ to anything sexual until the morning after and it took over 6 months to get close to 3/4 of the truth.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I've got two.

The way I define them is when adultery goes from "possible" to "smoking gun" for sure. DD#1 was finding a condom stash quickly followed with an intercepted email to warn a couple guys she hadn't ever brought up in a conversation and phone number verification that she spent a ton of time talking to both of them.

DD#2 was the false-R. Again, possible to confirmed status. In R, you are seriously paranoid about it continuing. DD#2 was finding evidence of it underground and an extra level of deception (basically a burner... calling card back then equivalent).


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

RWB said:


> Aug 5, 2009, 7pm... My grown daughter calls home. Wife takes call in bedroom, I hear pleading, wailing from across the house. Pick up the phone and in 10 sec years of suspicion are instantly confirmed. DD.


Good for your daughter!



I always thought D was a given. D=Discovery.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

He was being so secretive and protective in regards to his phone~I checked our cell phone bill and there were hundreds of calls and texts he was making and had been to one number each month for over a year. I called the number and got the OW's voicemail. Knew without a doubt then so that was my DD.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Dday 1 - 10/9/11. Found texts on wife's phone. Confronted, got TT'd that it was a short EA.

Dday 2 - 10/18/11. Recovered thousands of deleted e-mail/facebook messages on wife's computer. Confirmed 2 year PA.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......I've always had lack of trust in 99% of everything and everyone ...it was just "my way".

.....wife tells me that she had a ONS and slept with another guy ...less than a week after it happened.

....my d-day is defined as the day I lost trust in the person who I thought was not only my wife ..but best friend. My lack of trust in all things ...is now complete & universal.

..... kinda' sucks more than just a little.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

glad that you know for certain.

I am still in limbo land. would be nice to know for certain.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

I have a couple of days that I would consider my Ddays. They were life changing days for me. First one was Feb 9, 2008. Using a VAR because I was suspicious, I overheard my first wife describe in detail with her best friend the night she had spent with the OM. During this conversation I also found out that she had had another affair the previous year. Within 5 months we were divorced. She then begged for a second chance, which I gave, only to be sh!t on 2 months later when she left me for her old college boyfriend.

Fast forward to Aug 18, 2013. Barely married 3 years to my second wife, I found out her affair through AIM account on her Kindle. I also found out she'd carried on at least an EA with another man our entire relationship.

Both days were devastating. Second one perhaps more. My second wife knew how hurt I was in my first marriage, yet strayed anyway.

Anyway, I'm only a couple weeks away from the final divorce hearing. I've been concentrating on my kids. Gonna be good summer for us.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

On second thought I suppose the couple of red flag incidents in 2012 are a kind of DDay. And even further back the many times I joked with her about who she was seeing and what was his name.

It was kind of like a sick joke between a couple - more an expression of my insecurity at the time because I was SAHD working part time. It was one of those regular things I said and she would have the same comeback - sure, when would I have time for that etc.

There were a couple of very clear incidents which to this day i don't know why i didn't go in harder. The sudden call to her mobile in our bedroom. I was down the other end of the house but I clearly heard her say - Oh go away - and then she hung up. ( he'd ring and say things like - I want to suck your t*ts etc. )

And of course the morning she went off to work dressed to the nines almost as if going out for the evening. I'm going to see a client on the way to the office - she said. It was so obvious, even down to the fire engine red lippy. And you know - she was glowing, absolutely glowing and she looked really happy. But not for me.

Yet I didn't pursue that either. Just let it roll on, kind of knowing but not prepared to go beyond it. Trusting her I guess, believing that it could not be possible - even though alarm bells were ringing. I just didn't think it could happen. What a fool.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Horizon said:


> And of course the morning she went off to work dressed to the nines almost as if going out for the evening. I'm going to see a client on the way to the office - she said. It was so obvious, even down to the fire engine red lippy. And you know - she was glowing, absolutely glowing and she looked really happy. But not for me.
> 
> Yet I didn't pursue that either. Just let it roll on, *kind of knowing but not prepared to go beyond it. Trusting her I guess, believing that it could not be possible - even though alarm bells were ringing. I just didn't think it could happen.* What a fool.


H,

Not a fool, just trusting and staying true to your vows. Many of us here did exactly the same.

Hell... Years prior to DD, I was so sure that I actually wrote down on a piece of paper... "She is Cheating" signed and dated. Spent weeks following her around when she had to go out to get something urgent late in the evening.

But... "I just didn't think it could happen."


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

RWB said:


> H,
> 
> Not a fool, just trusting and staying true to your vows. Many of us here did exactly the same.
> 
> ...



Its a messed up world, or a messed up person that makes you feel like a fool for trusting your sposue to honor and hold their vows like you have. No wonder we think it "couldn't happen"

What a crap reward.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

DDay1 = 5/5/2011 - when I read an email exchange between her and OM that changed my life

DDay2 = Sometime in September, 2012 - when I discovered they'd restarted contact in April of that year. That contact was not a rekindling of the affair, but it violated the NC and almost killed my love for her completely.

I believe DDay is when you know for sure your spouse is/was cheating on you.


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