# Unnecessary Divorce



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

The alarming divorce rate is due in part to situations like mine where it just doesn't make sense to be splitting up. At some point every marriage is going to go through some problems. Depending on how long the marriage is there could be several points along the way where this happens. It would make things easier if I believed in things like love never lasts or it was never meant to be. 

In my situation there's no doubt our relationship hit a rough patch. Over the course of a year or so we drifted apart and began doing our own thing. We both neglected the marriage and the thing is as some of you know you never really realize what's happening. Between both people working and kids things just happen. 

Anyway, we're at the point now where my wife feels it's over and I of course feel the exact opposite. My point about it being unnecessary is that I don't believe that love is just gone. I think it gets buried and then the person is afraid to open back up to let you back in out of fear of being hurt again. My wife tells me that she's deeply hurt and sad over this. She doesn't want to hurt me and wishes she had answers to how the way she feels. She's totally stressed out to the point of throwing up a few times this past week.

My feeling is then why destroy everything when it doesn't have to be that way?


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## nnoodle (Jul 10, 2011)

Do you always steam roll over your wife's feelings like you discount them here? 

I read over some of your post and there seems to be a lot of "my way or the highway" attitude in them or passive agressive responces on your part (the realtor post). That might be part of the issue.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

divorce rates have actually been going down

NVSS - National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends

it's even better when you take out 2nd and 3rd marriage divorce rates

(ie. 41% of 1st marriages end in divorce, it goes up to 50% when include all marriages)


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

There is general public feeling that family court is unfairly biased toward women, giving them an gender-based advantage that they can bargain with. Along with an anti-male cultural undercurrent, many women are (mis)lead into divorce action to gain power in marital disagreements without having thought through the long term destructiveness of their action.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> divorce rates have actually been going down
> 
> NVSS - National Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends
> 
> ...


Nothing hurts the divorce rate like a moribund economy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most divorces are not mutual. Generally one person wants out and the other has no choice but to concede. That's the sad truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Nothing hurts the divorce rate like a moribund economy.


This will be the direct or indirect cause of more divorces over the next several years than anything else.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Most divorces are not mutual. Generally one person wants out and the other has no choice but to concede. That's the sad truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:When you do get married, you both agreed upon, why is it when you want out, most of them are one sided , I just dont GET IT! It should me mutually agreed and the other person should not be forced/coerced to agree! IMO!


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

nnoodle said:


> Do you always steam roll over your wife's feelings like you discount them here?
> 
> I read over some of your post and there seems to be a lot of "my way or the highway" attitude in them or passive agressive responces on your part (the realtor post). That might be part of the issue.


The exact opposite in that I've always bottled up my feelings. Considering my wife was involved in an almost definite emotional affair I would say I have been the one having my feeling steam rolled. When divorce makes little sense in a very savable situation it's like I said in one of my threads. You can go ahead and destroy everything but don't expect me to jump in the truck with you to swing that wrecking ball.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

kekel1123 said:


> :iagree:When you do get married, you both agreed upon, why is it when you want out, most of them are one sided , I just dont GET IT! It should me mutually agreed and the other person should not be forced/coerced to agree! IMO!



I won't deny that frivolous divorce exists, but you can't force someone to stay married.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Most divorces are not mutual. Generally one person wants out and the other has no choice but to concede. That's the sad truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

In the beginning, mine was foisted on me. Eight months later, he is saying he can't change the way he feels. Substitute "can't" with "won't". He changed his feelings for me, he can change them again. But I'm slowly realizing and accepting that he WON'T. Everything now will be on my terms ala the 180. The gloves are off now that my son's wedding is done. I sucked it all up and played nice for 8 months, now it's all about ME.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Makingsenseofit

Have you been to counseling? How long have you been married? There are kids involved, how many.

Some reading this post, may say what do the kids have to do with thier marriage? My opinion, everything. We get married to have children and create the "family unit"

Yes, Husband and Wife are the key ingrediant in making the family work and if the marriage is breaking down the family unit breaks down.

Do not blame your job and the kids for drifting apart. Blame yourself. If anything the kids should pull you and your wife together.

You should sit down with your wife and ask her if she is ready to throw away all the time she has invested in her marriage/family.

It sounds like you have been ignoring your wife. You need to correct this if you want to save your marriage.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> Makingsenseofit
> 
> Have you been to counseling? How long have you been married? There are kids involved, how many.
> 
> ...


We have been married ten years and have two children ages 6 and 4. We did go to counseling and it only seemed to make things worse. Unfortunately, for a while I was the only one who seemingly wanted to try and make things work while she was very indifferent. I've talked to her many times and asked her what her wants and needs are. She talked most of the time in pladitudes and would answer with things like what does anybody want. She seemed intent on pushing me away instead of working on the marriage. She then developed the mindset that we were too broken and that she can't help the way she feels and her feelings will never change.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> She seemed intent on pushing me away instead of working on the marriage. She then developed the mindset that we were too broken and that she can't help the way she feels and her feelings will never change.


Have you two had disagreements over money? I never cease to be amazed at how money can affect people's feelings. Any other big disagreements that might feed in to her feelings?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she cheated


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> she cheated


Inappropriate relationship has already been addressed. I have been monitoring things ever since and haven't come up with anything going on in months. Regardless the two of us are where we are right now. It's just not necessary to destroy everything in what I consider is a very salvagable situation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And that's just it. YOU may think its salvageable but she does not. One person alone cannot make a marriage. If she wants out...you have no choice but to accept that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Inappropriate relationship has already been addressed. I have been monitoring things ever since and haven't come up with anything going on in months. Regardless the two of us are where we are right now. It's just not necessary to destroy everything in what I consider is a very salvagable situation.


Of course not. But I can't help but feel that since she has broken off from you, your w is getting her emotional intimacy/support from someone. Is there a special friend or relative that she confides in?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Her emotional tank is empty. You can fill it if you want to. Read the book five love languages by gary chapmann. I learned a lot . It helps. If you really want to pursue her without getting too pushy. You will learn something as well for yourself.On the book,you will also learn that it was all resentment/frustrations build up over the time that you had failed to address because you are clueless (i think most of us (husbands ) are.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

kekel1123 said:


> Her emotional tank is empty. You can fill it if you want to. Read the book five love languages by gary chapmann. I learned a lot . It helps. If you really want to pursue her without getting too pushy. You will learn something as well for yourself.On the book,you will also learn that it was all resentment/frustrations build up over the time that you had failed to address because you are clueless (i think most of us (husbands ) are.


I understand this completely. I just have a hard time with the conflicting approaches. What I mean is some say do the 180 in which the goal is to change to the point that you interest the other person enough to pursue you. While this approach is a pursuit of your own. It's hard to know what to do.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> The alarming divorce rate is due in part to situations like mine where it just doesn't make sense to be splitting up. At some point every marriage is going to go through some problems. Depending on how long the marriage is there could be several points along the way where this happens. It would make things easier if I believed in things like love never lasts or it was never meant to be.
> 
> In my situation there's no doubt our relationship hit a rough patch. Over the course of a year or so we drifted apart and began doing our own thing. We both neglected the marriage and the thing is as some of you know you never really realize what's happening. Between both people working and kids things just happen.
> 
> ...


I don't know the details of your situation, but just reacting to this particular post, yes, I believe some divorces are unnecessary, and why destroy everything when it doesn't have to be.

I won't bore you with my details, but I had the most vanilla divorce I have ever heard of. My wife just became "unhappy" because i apparently got boring. There was no cheating, abuse, money problems, or anything. Even if her issues had caused us to start arguing for months it might have been different, but we didn't even argue. She let me know she was unhappy and boom, within a few months, we were divorced.

I take marriage and divorce seriously, and the thing that stunned me about it was her attitude about divorce; like it was no big deal. She had about the same attitude as if we were selling a car or something. She had no regard for the children's feelings or anyone elses feelings. 

I think when someone wants a divorce when there are no devastating issues, but just the old "unhappiness" deal, i think they should give it enough time and truly ask themselves, "Am i really unhappy enough that I feel divorce is the only answer, or is this just a phase in my life?"

I honestly believe if she had been willing to work on it, as I was, it could have been worked out and things would be great now. That is the sad part; she would rather just throw it away.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> There is general public feeling that family court is unfairly biased toward women, giving them an gender-based advantage that they can bargain with. Along with an anti-male cultural undercurrent, many women are (mis)lead into divorce action to gain power in marital disagreements without having thought through the long term destructiveness of their action.


I agree! :iagree:

JellyBeans "Most divorces are not mutual. Generally one person wants out and the other has no choice but to concede. That's the sad truth."

The vast majority of those wanting the divorce is from one gender. Which is exactly why Ten Year Hubby hit the nail on the head.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

southbound said:


> I don't know the details of your situation, but just reacting to this particular post, yes, I believe some divorces are unnecessary, and why destroy everything when it doesn't have to be.
> 
> I won't bore you with my details, but I had the most vanilla divorce I have ever heard of. My wife just became "unhappy" because i apparently got boring. There was no cheating, abuse, money problems, or anything. Even if her issues had caused us to start arguing for months it might have been different, but we didn't even argue. She let me know she was unhappy and boom, within a few months, we were divorced.
> 
> ...


That's pretty much how I feel things are. Instead of working on things she would rather throw it away and destroy everything. She says she can't help how she feels but as I have told her numerous times feelings can and do change.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Of course not. But I can't help but feel that since she has broken off from you, your w is getting her emotional intimacy/support from someone. Is there a special friend or relative that she confides in?


She has a girlfriend she's very close with. They work together and are in constant contact. They're almost like sisters so I'm sure this is her go to person. It's just impossible to know what advice good or bad this person is giving.


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