# Just married, want a separation?



## Mary10 (Sep 16, 2012)

Here is the history so far...
I have been married for over 4 months. I was with my husband for 12 years before we got married. Throughout this time we have been living/working in 2 different places. We have visited each other every weekend/other weekend for 8 years and have never lived together. Where I live I have always lived in my rented apartment on my own. Where he is (our home town) he lives at home (mom's home) and still does, even though we are now married (but still living in different places) because he has been concerned about leaving his mom as she has had a real rough time recently. We have had arguments recently where he has said some hurtful things, 2 weeks before the wedding we were arguing and he was shouting at me and made me cry. When I told my girlfriend she said that it was shocking that he had me in tears 2 weeks before we got married. Also, he said things like I just used him to pay for the wedding and got anything I wanted not questioning where the money came from, when he never ever mentioned that things were too expensive etc. He said that after a family bereavement that I wasn't there for him when actually I took time off work to be there and travelled there every weekend at the time. I have also found out from someone else that he said he thinks I am taking him for a ride. When I talked to him about it he did apologise, but he has not just said this once during an argument, it has happened about 4 - 5 times. So does he really think these things and then blame the heat of the argument for saying them? We are due to go on our delayed honeymoon in 3 days. Right now I am dreading it. My parents keep saying that I should go away, try work things with him, come back, move back to the home town and get a place together. But now, I feel like my feelings have really changed towards him even though he has apologised for what he said. When I try to talk to my mom about it she gets angry with me and tells me to be more compassionate towards him as he got upset when me him and my parents were talking about it all. I am trying to listen to what I want though. But my friends have told me they think he is wrong for me, but my parents think he is perfect for me. I like where i work and i love my job. I feel very miserable all the time as I think I have been coming to the conclusion that I should never have got married but either didn't see it till after or did see it and thought everything would be ok. 
Two weeks ago I said that I was not looking forward to going away on honeymoon and that I was feeling very low. The honeymoon is for 3 weeks but right now I am feeling that I don't want to go but that I should as my family keep telling me to give it a try. I just don't know what to do, I am so unhappy right now. I think I may want to have a break/separation for a while but I am due to go away in 3 days. Should I just go and use the time to think it over then if I feel the same when I get back say I want a break?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why did you marry? He can't even leave his mom. 

I'm just curious to why you thought it was a good idea to marry a man who wasn't ready to leave mom.


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## Mary10 (Sep 16, 2012)

I guess because i understood that his mom has being going through rough times but it has always bothered me that he never just lived on his own. He would always say that he/we'd buy a place together (in our home town) but I don't even now feel like I want to move back there, which also really upsets my parents so I think that's why they appear to be on his side with this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's a bad situation to be in. After 12 years, he's NEVER lived on his own? Eesh. Huge red flag.

I don't know what you should do...I don't even know what I would do. I would probably be done with it. But...how did all this happen? Living apart, long distance, and now you're married and still not living together? That's not a marriage, IMO. That's playing house...kinda.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So you've been "together" for 12 years but have never lived together? And now you're married and still don't live together? Is this how you both think marriage works? What is it about real relationships and real marriage that you're trying to avoid? Obviously, contrary to his words, living with mommy is not temporary. And you're unwilling to live in your hometown with him. So how do you think this is going to play out. Seems like you both have been wasting a lot of time on what could be. Probably pretty used to living on your own too.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

By the way..."want a separation"? Here's a news flash: you already are. In fact, always have been. How much more separate can it get?


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