# Feeling completely defeated



## emotionallywrecked (Apr 29, 2017)

How do I try and save my marriage when my husband of 15 years says, he's lost and needs to find himself. He says he still loves me, but hates the woman I have become after I caught him after his affair. He in no way has blamed me for his affair, but blames me for the fact that he can't stand my attitude toward him. He thinks that "maybe" in time he will want me back, but maybe not. I offered a divorce to him, thinking he would disagree and he did not. He wants to divorce.......I'm devastated. we have 3 school aged children and I live in a city with no family. If this divorce happens, Id have no other choice but to move back home and with my inlaws. Ive been a housewife for the last 5 years and just finished school. Id still have to find a job and establish my credit until I can be on my own. I read a couple of threads similar to mine and I cannot believe how often this happens. Can someone offer an explanation as to why men feel get this feeling?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

emotionallywrecked, how long ago did you "catch" your husband in an affair?

As to your question about "why men get this feeling" both men and women who cheat and aren't remorseful for their cheating, or empathetic with their betrayed spouse's pain will find fault with their bs for something or another.

Perhaps he is not out of the affair and just took it underground. He may be just be using your attitude as another excuse to rewrite the marital history so he doesn't feel bad for what he is doing, or has done.

You definitely need to prepare yourself for the future, whether you divorce or not. It is easy to apply for your own credit card, using his income as your own, and work on getting your own credit history. Use the card and pay it off each month rather than building up debt.

Open a bank account and keep some money in it. Keep it active by using it once in a while.

Your children are all school aged, and so you can get a job, since you just finished school. What did you study in school? Have you begun working on a resume?


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## mjsquatch (Jan 25, 2017)

The choice to move back with family might not be so bad compared to the choice of staying with a guy like this. You will find dignity and someone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

emotionallywrecked said:


> How do I try and save my marriage when my husband of 15 years says, he's lost and needs to find himself. He says he still loves me, but hates the woman I have become after I caught him after his affair. He in no way has blamed me for his affair, but blames me for the fact that he can't stand my attitude toward him. He thinks that "maybe" in time he will want me back, but maybe not. I offered a divorce to him, thinking he would disagree and he did not. He wants to divorce.......I'm devastated. we have 3 school aged children and I live in a city with no family. If this divorce happens, Id have no other choice but to move back home and with my inlaws. Ive been a housewife for the last 5 years and just finished school. Id still have to find a job and establish my credit until I can be on my own. I read a couple of threads similar to mine and I cannot believe how often this happens. Can someone offer an explanation as to why men feel get this feeling?


It sounds like you need to file for divorce. For one thing, you need the financial support to move and find a job. 

When you file for divorce you can ask for interim child support and spousal support. He would pay you that until the divorce if final. After the divorce is final you would get child support. You will get 50% of all asset and you might be able to get some rehabilitative spousal support until you find a job. 
Go to a site like Amazon.com and look up books on divorce for your state. Get one and read it. Find out what your right are in divorce for your state. Also do some searching on the web for topics related to divorce in your state.


emotionallywrecked said:


> If this divorce happens, Id have no other choice but to move back home and with my in-laws.


Are you really saying that you would have to go live with your in laws? Could you please clarify?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You are experiencing one of the problems of staying together after an affair. It will take the spouse who was cheated on many years to put it out of them mind every day. It is something that MC will warn the cheating spouse to expect. The problem is that you are treating him and looking at him differently and he does not like it. To him, the affair is over, but you are still bothered by it and wondering if he will cheat again. Here is a good article that may be of some help to you. I wish you luck.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | The Huffington Post


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

emotionallywrecked said:


> How do I try and save my marriage when my husband of 15 years says, he's lost and needs to find himself. He says he still loves me, but hates the woman I have become after I caught him after his affair. He in no way has blamed me for his affair, but blames me for the fact that he can't stand my attitude toward him. He thinks that "maybe" in time he will want me back, but maybe not. I offered a divorce to him, thinking he would disagree and he did not. He wants to divorce.......I'm devastated. we have 3 school aged children and I live in a city with no family. If this divorce happens, Id have no other choice but to move back home and with my inlaws. Ive been a housewife for the last 5 years and just finished school. Id still have to find a job and establish my credit until I can be on my own. I read a couple of threads similar to mine and I cannot believe how often this happens. Can someone offer an explanation as to why men feel get this feeling?


*First off, not all men feel that way ~ seems like he's "blame-shifting" and is totally unrepentant for his illicit actions, except for perhaps getting caught!

I'd say you would be totally and unequivocally justified in handing him his walking papers, as his rehabilitative efforts are somewhere between slim and none ~ and "slim" seems to have left the crime scene a very long time ago!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The better question than how to SAVE it, is WHY would you want to?? What a disgusting man, how DARE him criticize you after HIS affair! 

File for divorce, and take him for everything you possibly can.


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