# husband has bad temper and takes it out on me



## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

I wonder if my husband is bipolar or if he just really actually doesnt like me. either that or hes just psycho. He treats me like crap for the whole day for no reason and the next hes my best friend and were all a family. On a bad day, as soon as i wake up he starts yelling at me, telling me whatever faults i have, then i cannot really say anything or he will just get so angry he freaks out. he knows he has an anger problem. Any fights we have are literally over NOTHING. and they are huge. He has no problem calling me a ***** even if i am just sitting there. my son who is only 5 has went up to family members and said that daddy yelled at mommy and was being mean to her and she was telling daddy to please stop. My 5 year old has also called me a ***** and has had anger problems which he obviously immitated from my husband. We had to stay at my familys house for a few days and my hub was in a bad mood bc he was bored. He kept snapping at me any time i talked, was irritated everytime i did anything, and would just treat me like crap. My family was very concerned that he was yelling at me to wake me up in the morning, pissed that he woke up first and that i need to get up. They watched as he would continue to make me sad and hurt my feelings and yell at me. They saw as i would ask him simple things like what he wanted to eat, bc i was going to get us some food, and he would snap at me and yell at me bc he was putting a shirt on my son and couldnt think of what he wants. So, after we stayed at my family's house for a couple days, my family were just surprised at how i was so calm and cool while he would snap at me all the time. they were concerned that im getting used to being talked down to. i saw that i was! so i told him that we were through, i couldnt take it any longer , i want to be able to say what i want to say and not be afraid that he will get mad and take it the wrong way, etc. that i wanted to be treated like i should be treated. he did beg for us to stay together, cried, and talked for a long time, however he wouldnt let me talk during our arguments,. as usual. he never does, i will say a few words and he will tell me to shut up. well, after that and knowing that i was really fed up and actually ready to leave him, he changed. but now he is started to get back to his old ways. today we got up and ran some errands and everytime i talked he acted like i was and idiot or annoying, basically anything i have to say is stupid. he goes to the gas station, gets everyone something to drink except me. we go to the bank and i take a minute to fill out my money order and he tells me "you know you can do that there", it really shouldnt matter. but he was getting pissed at anything he could. then hes whispering under his breath "*****" while he gets out of the car. i didnt do a thing to make him mad!! he says he loves me. he works in a job he hates to pay for our family, he wants to do all of these things in the future- getting a new car, buying a house.. but i dont know... i have kept us from both bc i dont know if we should get all tangled in that if we arent going to be together. he doesnt see it, how he treats me and talks to me. i dont know why he does it. I just want to have a happy family, but i might be working on holding on to something that just wont change.. i am so lost. for a few months he has been trying really hard to keep his cool and was doing good with it but has his off days. should i record him and show him how he sounds? or should i just give up on us? i just am so tired of trying to keep him from steaming up and freaking out. and why the hell should i be called names and be silenced?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't be called named and be silenced.

Your husband is verbally abusive, at minimum. I bet he's also an emotional abuser. Either way, he doesn't treat you the way a man who loves and respects his wife should. 

You can either talk to him about it and he will hear you out and commit to stopping his mistreatment/behavior or if he doesn't, decide whether you want to tolerate a marriage like this or remove yourself and your children from that environment.


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## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

my family wants me to divorce him. he has told me that if he freaks out once more that he will go and get counseling / anger management. Because he doesnt want to lose me. I dont know if hes worth it anymore. hes not making me happy, unless hes happy. he doesnt help out with anything. if hes not working, hes laying there on the computer and wont do anything. i do everything, even though it overwhelms me and i need his help.


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## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You shouldn't be called named and be silenced.
> 
> Your husband is verbally abusive, at minimum. I bet he's also an emotional abuser. Either way, he doesn't treat you the way a man who loves and respects his wife should.
> 
> You can either talk to him about it and he will hear you out and commit to stopping his mistreatment/behavior or if he doesn't, decide whether you want to tolerate a marriage like this or remove yourself and your children from that environment.


My family has also said he is verbally and emotionally abusive. i know its true. if he doesnt see that he is.... how do i make him see what hes doing? i really think he doesnt know hes doing it


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You can't change him. You change YOURSELF. Do you want your son to be just like Daddy when he grows up? Is this the kind of man you want your son to emulate? 

Show your son a strong, sane mother. Stand on your own two feet, stand up for yourself, do not tolerate such treatment. IF your family is willing and able, go to them. Stay with them for moral support, and to get you on your feet and on your way to independence. This is not about him and what he will or won't do if you leave....it's about you being the best person/mother you can be without someone beating you down mentally all the time. 

Get out.
Good Luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rainer said:


> he has told me that if he freaks out once more that he will go and get counseling / anger management. Because he doesnt want to lose me.


If he truly does not want to lose you, tell him to go to counselling NOW. That you are SERIOUS and mean business. If you mean enough to him, he will do any/everything to restore the marriage. 



rainer said:


> if he doesnt see that he is.... how do i make him see what hes doing?


You don't. You cant' "make" him anything. And you can't change his behavior. You can only react to what he does. You have no control over what he chooses to do.



rainer said:


> i really think he doesnt know hes doing it


Abusers know exactly what they are doing. That's why it's so scary. Their behavior is very calculated. My advice is to get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it for free at your library if you have time. Or get it at your bookstore. Once you see how calculated their behavior is, it will make your skin crawl.

Right now you are not happy with his treatment of you and you at minimum need to discuss this with him then make an informed decision from there.

Remember, it takes TWO to make a marriage work.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

QUOTE=rainer;368440]My family has also said he is verbally and emotionally abusive. i know its true. if he doesnt see that he is.... how do i make him see what hes doing? i really think he doesnt know hes doing it[/QUOTE]


Yes, he is certainly verbally and emotionally abusive. 

As to how to make him see what he is doing. Most likely you can't. You can't change another person. Verbal abusers usually don't change - this is not just my opinion, it is the opinion of many therapists who specialize in this kind of abuse. For a person to change they need to see what they are doing and take responsibility for their actions. Abusers will not take responsibility for their actions. They convince themselves that it is their spouse's fault. . .if she would do this or that then I wouldn't have to act this way. Placing the blame on you allows him to not take responsibility for his actions - but it also makes it almost impossible for him to change. 

As to if he knows what he is doing - most likely yes. He may not call it abuse and would probably be offended at the very idea anyone would consider him abusive, especially if he has never hit you. But he knows what the motivation behind his behavior is, wheather it's to control you or keep you in you place or whatever. Ask yourself this, does he treat his coworkers and friends the way he talks to you? I would be willing to bet money he doesn't, because he knows that it is not acceptable behavior and he knows he would be in deep do-do at work if he went around yelling at coworkers, likewise he wouldn't have many friends if he told them to shut-up. The fact he can control himself around other people shows he can control himself when it's called for. He just doesn't see the need to control himself around you. Most abusers don't see their spouse as a separate person with feelings, they see them as an object they can treat anyway they please. 

Do you really want your children growing up in this and thinking it is normal married behavior???


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## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Abusers know exactly what they are doing. That's why it's so scary. Their behavior is very calculated. My advice is to get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it for free at your library if you have time. Or get it at your bookstore. Once you see how calculated their behavior is, it will make your skin crawl.


I looked up emotional abuse online and found info w quotes out of that book by Lundy Bancroft. Its incredibly accurate. everything from turning things around and making me feel like im the one thats crazy and getting me confused. etc. Hes done all of it. hes that sensitive, funny guy that no one could possibly believe that he treats me badly. its sick how right it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get the book. It will blow your mind. 

And Sadie's right--my bet is he doesn't treat co-workers/bosses/friends the same way he treats you. Cause he knows he would not be able to get away with it.

I was married to a very emotionally abusive man. Let me tell you: they DO NOT change and will forever blame everything they do on anyone but themself, and mostly, on YOU.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Completely understand.... are you sure his name isn't ***** (my husband?).... lol I don't think it's bipolar issues. It's abusive issues. Very atypical... I realized an abusive person can only "be good" for no more than a few weeks. Believe me, an abusive person gets worse as they get older, especially when they hit midlife. Unless he gets intense therapy and he wants to change because he is tired of himself, and not only to keep you.... this abusive cycle will continue and escalate. Wishing you the best and stay safe.


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