# So confused about what to do...



## grace (Jul 26, 2007)

January of this year my husband came clean about an affair he had been having. Over the next few weeks more and more things came out about it and that she is pregnant. I am so confused and lost on what to do. I do love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have lost trust and am trying so hard to hold on to faith. He tells me that how we are right now makes him not sure if he wants to go on with the marriage, which I understand because I feel the same way, one day we are fine and then something will trigger an emotion and I will become so angry. He feels that I should forgive him and forget about it. I know Gods will is not for a family to be broken. I don't want my children to suffer through divorce and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have become so insecure and lonely and unhappy. I put on a good face for my kids but I cry when noones looking. I don't know what to do anymore!?! I guess I'm just looking for some advice, thoughts, clarity, I don't know?


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

Grace, I wish I could give you exactly the advice you need. However, not having dealt with infidelity, I don't know that anything I have to say will be adequate. You said you don't believe it's God's will for your family to be broken, that's a good start. The Bible specifically says, "God hates divorce" in Malachi 2:16. Therefore, you are right, it's not God's will. The Bible also says that you should forgive, not for your husband's sake, but for your own. That doesn't mean that you're automatically going to trust him again, it just means that you choose to release him to God's hands, for God to deal with, choosing to not bring up the subject. God CAN and WILL heal the pain caused by the infidelity. He CAN and WILL help you to love, and be IN LOVE, with your husband again, if you will only ask. Since you KNOW that divorce is not His will, or in your children's best interest, I would suggest that you seek marriage counseling. Look online, there are are ministries that help women whose husbands have been unfaithful, just as there are ministries that will help the husband who HAS been unfaithful. God bless you as you seek to do HIS will in regard to this situation. May He give you wisdom and guidance as you seek to do what's in the best interest of your children and your marriage.


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## grace (Jul 26, 2007)

thank you mamab. Your words encourage me and I pray God will heal my heart, forgiving is what I am having a problem doing.


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## greg (Jun 5, 2007)

grace said:


> January of this year my husband came clean about an affair he had been having. Over the next few weeks more and more things came out about it and that she is pregnant. I am so confused and lost on what to do. I do love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have lost trust and am trying so hard to hold on to faith. He tells me that how we are right now makes him not sure if he wants to go on with the marriage, which I understand because I feel the same way, one day we are fine and then something will trigger an emotion and I will become so angry. He feels that I should forgive him and forget about it. I know Gods will is not for a family to be broken. I don't want my children to suffer through divorce and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have become so insecure and lonely and unhappy. I put on a good face for my kids but I cry when noones looking. I don't know what to do anymore!?! I guess I'm just looking for some advice, thoughts, clarity, I don't know?


I am in the process of reading Love Must Be Tough, by Dr James Dobson. I would HIGHLY reccommend that you get the book and read it. $12.99 at barnes and noble.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I would definently get some marriage counseling. Because finding trust again is not an easy thing to do and you have to have that and love to ever have a chance of the marriage working. That being said the one thing I feel that you should never do is stay together for the kids sake. As much as you try and think you are hiding the problems believe me they feel them and no something is not right. I to grew up in a situation where my Mom always tried to put on that everything was fine and my brother and I both knew that it wasn't. 

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out the way that you want it to.


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## lostinatchison (Aug 13, 2007)

i feel for you as i am in the same boat. my girlfrieend of 4 1/2 years cheated on me a year ago and i have still not got past it. we have been together for the most part but last week i got the phone bill and say that she was talking to some guy quite a bit. i blew up about this and the past and she ended up leaving with our 1 year old son. i later found out that it was not what i tought it was. i am 100% sure that if she had not cheated on me before this would not have turned out the way it did. we had a great relationship and never fought until she cheated on. every since that day it has been rocky at best. maybe it is me. maybe it is both but the fact is that it has distroyed a perfect relationship. can you get past being cheated on? i really dont think you can! i think you have to live with the fact that they are and will again ding it or move on as hard as that my be. i love her with everything that i am. but is it worth all the fighting and worrying?????????????/


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

I think it's possible to get past being cheated on and have a good marriage. It's not easy, and you really need to talk with your spouse and be open and honest about things. Counselling can work wonders on a marriage. My hubby and I had some issues after our first year of marriage ( he thought I cheated, but I didn't!!) and we saw a Chaplain, as hubby was in the Army. We learned alot about each other and most of all, we learned to communicate effectively and get past the insecurities that past relationships had left us. Boy, were there alot of those insecurities!! Anyway, I think it is possible to save the marriage, but you both have to be committed to doing it. btw, Lost, was it a one night stand thing, or an ongoing one? I know, cheating is cheating, but sometimes it makes a difference. 
Hang in there!


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

JustMe said:


> I think it's possible to get past being cheated on and have a good marriage.


Do you not feel, as many people (and even some counselors do) that once someone cheats, the risk for a "repeat offense" is dramatically increased?


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

I do, but like I said, sometimes people just make a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY stupid mistake. I'm talking one time/night here, not months of an affair. I think it's totally wrong either way, and it's almost unbearably difficult to get past, but I stand by my opinion that it is possible to get past it.


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I know that it has to be difficult to get past the hurt and trust again, but I know people that have done it, people that have moved past the hurt and learned to trust again. I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I believe with God's help, you can learn to trust again.


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## deidre (Aug 17, 2007)

mamab said:


> I know that it has to be difficult to get past the hurt and trust again, but I know people that have done it, people that have moved past the hurt and learned to trust again. I guess it depends on the circumstances, but I believe with God's help, you can learn to trust again.



I totally agree with this statement. I also believe that no ones perfect and each and everyone of us have made mistakes but it's up to us to learn from them. I think that trust is something that's earned and when it's lost it's so hard to give it again....I think that prayer is the key...I think in order to make the marriage work you have to pray for guidance, understanding and just love....It's all in GOD'S hands and he will never fail you...

My mother in law always ends her converstations with "Trust in the lord"...so i'll end this by saying...."trust in the lord"...

Good luck!


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I do believe that you can learn to trust again but it is hard to get to that point. I know that my husband never cheated on me but I did lose his trust when it came to a drug problem he had. It took about two years of not trusting and accusing him of stuff and then one day I just came to the realization that either I learn to trust him or we had to end the relationship. Talking to each other about how you feel is the best thing you can do. One thing I used to do at first was be very accusatory and when we talked we would end up getting in fights. I wish I knew how to get to the point where you trust again but there was no one thing that happened other than I knew I had to find the trust in him again and to let my anger and the past go.


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

If you truly want to learn to trust again, perhaps you could find a counsellor or someone you trust to speak to. There are ministries that are geared toward those with this problem. Try Welcome - Rejoice Marriage Ministries Stop Divorce Christian Bookstore Helping the Hurting Marriage, Marriage & Family Savers Ministries, or Marriage Healing International; a marriage counseling ministry.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

I suppose this is hard. One of the key things you've stated is that trust is gone. It's understandable that you are no longer in love with him, and it's not fair that he wants you to "forget about it". How can you? There is another child involved now. 
I suppose the only advice I can give is that if you no longer want to be with him, don't. It's not fair to be with him for the sake of the kids. They may see your "happy face", but they will feel the tension and sense the unhappiness-do you want to send them the message that it's okay to be in a relationship that is unhealthy.
I always suggest counseling. I don't think anyone should make a major decision without the help of a professional assistance. Sometimes we need that extra help, and a professional can assist in trust issues (i've been there before).
Question-is this affair still going on? Is the other woman going to keep the child-because if so she'll be in your lives forever. If it's not going on anymore and she is keeping the child, are the two of you going to be a team on this? 
I suggest writing these questions down and answering them from your mind and your heart.
Good luck.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

I m so very sorry for what u r going thru.......its really not easy!

I had a brief problem with my husband few months ago when i spoted an email he had sent someone....................it has nothing much in it and he was asking for her photos to see how she looks like. When confronted him he totally denied that he never sent such mail and not sure how did this happen. He said that someone must have violated his email at work when he had not logged out. I had no evidence to prove that he did, and he had no evidence to prove that he didnt do it. We had serious unhappiness for almost a month and our communication broke. Most importantly the trust was greatly shaken. I started imagining things and suspected his everymove. 

But after a lot and lot of talking we settled the matter somehow. everytime i think of this email i would feel sad but I still trust him that he will never cheat me. He had promised that there were no women, nor there will be any. For now I have healed and we are back to normal but i dont know how in the future. 

What i m trying to say is, its possible to forget and heal, but i dont know about forgiving. For me if my husband had done this i would never forget....not would stay for the kids sake as its more damaging to them living in a unhappy family than in a happy single mom family. 

Ultimately, u should know what is best for u..........we all can give u advice and opinion based on our experience and views but only you know yourself and the situation in hand well...........

Do what will make u happy in the long run. Happiness is the most important thing in life. 

Will keep you in my prayers!


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

Thewife said:


> Do what will make u happy in the long run. Happiness is the most important thing in life.


This is a very important statement, I think. Everyone's case is different and what can be overlooked by one person would tear another person apart. Happiness is what matters.


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

MrsLV said:


> I suppose this is hard. One of the key things you've stated is that trust is gone. It's understandable that you are no longer in love with him, and it's not fair that he wants you to "forget about it". How can you?


This is very true. It's just lip service when someone says "forget about it" or "just get over it" because there's no way... Just something to say but it can't be done. One can choose to overlook something, but not forget.


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## tickle_jockey (Sep 18, 2007)

Love is only a small thing, enough for one person, and any suggestion that the heart might be larger than this, is considered perverse.

--- Paul Coelho in “The Zahir”


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

grace said:


> January of this year my husband came clean about an affair he had been having. Over the next few weeks more and more things came out about it and that she is pregnant. I am so confused and lost on what to do. I do love him but I am not in love with him anymore. I have lost trust and am trying so hard to hold on to faith. He tells me that how we are right now makes him not sure if he wants to go on with the marriage, which I understand because I feel the same way, one day we are fine and then something will trigger an emotion and I will become so angry. He feels that I should forgive him and forget about it. I know Gods will is not for a family to be broken. I don't want my children to suffer through divorce and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I have become so insecure and lonely and unhappy. I put on a good face for my kids but I cry when noones looking. I don't know what to do anymore!?! I guess I'm just looking for some advice, thoughts, clarity, I don't know?


I personally don't buy into the "God doesn't want us to divorce" stuff. We need to be happy in order to have a happy life and be good parents. Kids can sense when their parents aren't happy and it's not good for them!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

*OMG it's the Walking Thread!!!*

After 6 years it's alive!!






"You mean like a Zombie"


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

OMG😱And I'm still here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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