# My husband is a workaholic..anyone else live with this?



## peacenlove (Jun 16, 2014)

Hi, I'm new here and need to talk. My husband works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week. He just got a new supervisor position and loves the extra money on overtime. But...I am feeling like I'm last on the list; on his day's off. Our marriage is suffering now. I don't want to have sex, because I feel its all he wants now. But I get nothing in return. No romance, nothing. I'm lucky if he cuts the grass now. I'm ill, and haven't the energy; so everything that need to be done, is on my back and takes me forever!; before he got this new job, 80% of responsibilities were mine anyways. I'm feeling trapped and overwhelmed, and now angry, very angry...and I'm a very easy going person usually, but yesterday I lost my marbles, and had to retrieve to my car with loud music so the neighbours couldn't hear my crying whails and sobs. I can't keep up the work at home; I need a man around the house to do certain things, but he expects me to do them all. I have to fix things, and build things along with inside housework. I am now a slave to my house. I want my husband to do husband things. Did I mention he's also had two affairs; the last one 6 years ago. Did I mention they were breathtaking younger women too. Am I crazy to stay around?:scratchhead:


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

What are you getting out of this marriage? Is he a good partner at all when he is home? Do you have kids? Does he admit there is a problem? 

Sorry you are under such stress. My husband struggles with being a workaholic and I do know how lonely and difficult it can be as the one left to do everything alone. My husband is aware of the problem, he tries to cut back for me and the kids. It can still get out of control for periods and we've been married over twenty years.

Two affairs? The workaholic is hard enough to deal with, I don't think we would have survived one affair much less two.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

With all of that extra money he is making working, you should hire someone to do the work that needs being done around the house. You shouldn't be stuck doing it, especially since you are ill.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg, but if your goal is to have your husband home and more attentive, withholding sex is the wrong way to go about it. That's like trying to get a guy to drink more lemonade by removing the sugar. There's no sex around here, either. I figure if I can't make love, at least I can make money. I work every hour of overtime I can get my hands on. 
Don't know your situation but I doubt he's spending all that extra money on himself. If the majority of it is going to take care of you and and whatever kids might be involved, in his mind, working hard and earning money might be his way of showing his love. That was my father's way, my grandfather's way, and the way of probably every male in my lineage that came before. I don't suppose your husband's raising was all that different. 
My wife quit her job three years ago, but she still expects to live at least as well as we did before the recession, while she was still working. If she wanted me home more often, she'd get a job and share the financial load or she'd cut spending and reduce the financial load. She'd also give me some indication that she valued my presence when I was home. She does none of the above, so the message is pretty clear. I'm exactly where she wants me to be....away. I'm doing exactly what she wants me to be doing....working. 
The world is chock full of lazy guys who have nothing but time to lounge around the house and paint your toenails. You have free will but you aren't with one of those men.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

peacenlove said:


> Hi, I'm new here and need to talk. My husband works 16 hours a day, 6 days a week. He just got a new supervisor position and loves the extra money on overtime. But...I am feeling like I'm last on the list; on his day's off. Our marriage is suffering now. I don't want to have sex, because I feel its all he wants now. But I get nothing in return. No romance, nothing. I'm lucky if he cuts the grass now. I'm ill, and haven't the energy; so everything that need to be done, is on my back and takes me forever!; before he got this new job, 80% of responsibilities were mine anyways. I'm feeling trapped and overwhelmed, and now angry, very angry...and I'm a very easy going person usually, but yesterday I lost my marbles, and had to retrieve to my car with loud music so the neighbours couldn't hear my crying whails and sobs. I can't keep up the work at home; I need a man around the house to do certain things, but he expects me to do them all. I have to fix things, and build things along with inside housework. I am now a slave to my house. I want my husband to do husband things. Did I mention he's also had two affairs; the last one 6 years ago. Did I mention they were breathtaking younger women too. Am I crazy to stay around?:scratchhead:


Well, there are a few different things going on here. (1) If you want the lifestyle the extra money affords, that means he has to put in the hours. If you want to be with someone who works less hours, you have to be prepared to live with less. Too many people (and sorry, but more often women) don't face the reality of this. (2) If he has to work long hours, it's not realistic or reasonable to expect him to be mr. fixit. I agree that the solution may be to hire someone. However (3) the fact that he has had two affairs is very troubling, and there may be deeper problems with him that you can't fix.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you have kids? Do you work? What are you ill with?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

peacenlove said:


> Did I mention he's also had two affairs?


 You just did now...



> Am I crazy to stay around?:scratchhead:


 Yes! You are crazy to stay around unless he agrees to go to marriage counseling with you. You both need to "unsweep" the affairs out from under the rug and figure out why he felt the need to stray. He needs to figure out why he values work far above you, and YOU need to figure out why you put up with it.

Unless he agrees to counseling (which he probably won't -- where will he fit it into his busy workweek?) I would be packing up, moving along.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I really hate when people assume that wives of workaholics are driving them to work with their desire for money. I wish my husband would quit, we don't need any more money. 😡

Many people work so much because they love their work, they get an ego boost from it, they like the money and status themselves, they have a hard time saying no to superiors, they are too competitive at work, they are unnecessarily insecure at work and overcompensate, etc. it isn't always some shrewish wife at home nagging about more money. My sister is a workaholic and she's single, nobody is forcing her to work like that.

The op hasn't said why her husband is working so much. She also hasn't said that her husband is ok with her hiring out jobs. It could be that he doesn't want her spending any of the precious money, or he doesn't want another man taking care of his house. My husband was upset when I started having other people come to the house to fix things. 

We also don't know if he's working so much because the marriage is in trouble, or if the marriage is in trouble because he works too much. If he is working sixteen hours a day, six days a week there is no time left for bonding. The marriage will die if they don't figure something out.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I used to be a full blown workaholic and have found myself falling back into that schedule at times. I am self employed and the sole earner in our house. I have to make a conscious effort to not overdue the work.

From a male perspective, he likely feels his job is to provide for you and the family. I grew up with not much $$, so in my mind, providing meant working hard enough to be able to have enough $$ that my wife and daughter could do virtually anything they wanted without worrying about costs. That is just how I viewed my role.

Now, I knew that I was not able to do the fix it stuff around the house because I was working so much. I also reasoned that it was often more cost beneficial for me to work instead of doing routine house stuff. I could hire some one to do the work for less than I would make working in my position. So, I didn't mind hiring out the work.

My wife basically never had to cook. We ate almost every meal out. We had arguments over me being away at work (I work at home, but was definitely not "present") so much. I could never see her side. I was doing my role of providing for our family and she could have a lifestyle that she always said she wanted - nice house, private school for the kid, nice cars, house cleaners, etc.... Now, we weren't making millions, but doing very well. Again, I kept working because that is what the man is supposed to do. 

We would go on vacations every year or so. I am a morning person. My wife is not. I would take my computer and go to the business center in the morning. I would get up about 4AM and work until about 11AM. We would then go out as a family and do sight seeing or whatever. But, the point is that I was putting in almost full time work on "vacation."

Things finally hit a head when she told me that she felt like a single mom. Yes, she had all the $$ she could want, but she felt like there was nothing more between us. I kept saying that I am providing for everything you have ever asked. You are getting all you ever said you wanted. However, I never heard her ask for more time. 

It finally clicked shortly after that. I found ways to scale my working hours back. I learned that I could take off a weekend day and not lose my business. I learned that I could tell a customer something would be likely delayed a few days because of a commitment to my family. It turns out that many of my customers respected me for that and totally understood.

I still work quite a few hours, but we have found a better way to manage the hours. We get time together. However, it was a rough couple years there for awhile.

I relate all of this because your husband may feel that he is doing everything he is supposed to do for you, and you are not respecting him one bit for him going above and beyond by providing for you and the family. Hopefully, you can get him to see what he is really missing with family time and get him to scale the work back.

Now, the affairs have no excuse. That is just immature and selfish. If he can't help you get beyond that - if you are wanting/willing to, then he is not a man, but a total @$$.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Talk to him about the purpose behind work. If it is to acquire income and built security, a divorce will change both of them. I remember reading about a top lawyer at a hard-nosed firm who made over a mill but was not on his 4th divorce. Try to explain in a nice way that this will not promote but frustrate financial security. Ask to discuss some middle-ground.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

They say you need to spend a lot of time with one another to maintain the connection. My experience says it is true. He can't have much interesting to say that isn't about work. That gets dull. 

Spell it out for him.

No time together means no connection. Only shared responsibility and if it weren't for money he could be said to be ignoring his part in contributing. Even if you pay someone that is very hands off. So you will have more time to be without him. Facebook and an old flame might start looking good. Or someone in local gym. A coach or a teacher. Whatever.

He isn't connecting with you either. No sex and he is going to become irritable and resentful just like you are feeling now. He will think about how he is floating your lifestyle and not benefiting... In typical short-sighted thinking. That is comparable to saying he thinks he is buying you and sex. That's not what he really means but that is the literal interpretation. He would get angry if you told him that and wouldn't want to see it that way. But he might want to think about the resulting feelings for both of you.

Was sex good before this? If he stopped working all the time would you fall back madly in love with him or has enough damage been done that it might take a while? And could you provide assurance it would actually happen?

You have to spell it out to him.

And the point that he might be using work to avoid you is very valid.

Lots of people do it. Men and women. After a while it become just what you do and you don't even feel like you can stop if you wanted to. Management has come to expect it. They may be personally glad your home life is better but they started making promises based on your 12-16 hour days and the ding to productivity resonates through the department.

I'm a worker of long hours. So is my husband. I know what I'm talking about. We bounce back and forth after fighting about the issue, always returning to long hours. But at least we expand and contract.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

If I were you, I'd get my own life.

Look at this through his eyes for a second. He's got a wife...at home, not contributing, constantly mad, not giving him any sex and complaining all the time.

Frankly, its not that surprising that he's not wanting to come home and having affairs.

My advice...stop worrying about him and worry about you. Your entire focus is him coming home and when he does, you're resentful about what he's doing.

Get a life...seriously...get one. I always find that any illness gets much more improved when you have a purpose. Get out, maybe work a few hours a week depending on what you can manage....join some social clubs...get some exercise...learn to be happy....stop complaining and stop bugging him to come home....just work on you.

You can't really make him happy until you get happy about you. And until you do both of those things, I'm not sure why he'd bother coming home more.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Yes, I do live with a wonderful husband who works over 60 hrs a week....it is very, very hard. The trade off is that he loves having me home to care for him and the kids. It can be lonely though, I understand, this is where one has to find hobbies to keep busy. Life isn't easy, there are always gives and takes


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

My husband has a part time job to help pay extra bills. We both work full time jobs. For our entire marriage, I have worked, handled grocery shopping, cooking when I can, and housework. 

For reasons unrelated to anything about money or this "arrangement", we are divorcing. I love my H and wish we could work it out. But at the same time, a small and growing part of me is seeing how much our imbalance at home has worn me down. It is a nasty cycle. Deal with it now.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think that a man who loves his wife to be at home to take care of this and that is all about status.

I really don't think that mentality works well any longer. Men aren't the same stalwarts they were in the post world war two days. They are far too I immature.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I think that a man who loves his wife to be at home to take care of this and that is all about status.
> 
> I really don't think that mentality works well any longer. Men aren't the same stalwarts they were in the post world war two days. They are far too I immature.


I think it is about convenience, and comfort, and the kids.

I do agree that men in general are weaker than in the past.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My ex is a workaholic. I always felt like I was the mistress and the job was his wife. I think it takes a certain kind of person who can deal with that situation.

You have two separate issues here that are hard to deal with - you hardly see him cause he works all the time, so hardly any quality time for you two; and his infidelities.

Sorry.


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