# I need your help please!



## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

I am writing to you because my husband regards this site as the bible for relationships. 

We’ve been together for almost 10 years married almost 8 years. At the beginning everything was perfect. We even moved in together before getting married which to me was great because we learned SO much more about each other confirming we should get married. We got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 3 years after getting married and that’s when it all started to go downhill. 

My husband is very protective of our son. He takes a very different approach than most fathers. His father worked all the time and he was never around that much and my husband wants to be a different type of father. He refused to have anyone over the house to visit the baby and I if he was not home. I argued at first with him that it was just his mom or my mom, but bottom line he didn’t want anyone especially my brother or his sister, they both ‘smoke’ and not what you are thinking the other one… So I understood. OK He doesn’t want our son exposed to THAT at an early stage I should be on his side about this, HE IS RIGHT about that, but I was still bothered having to turn people away at the door saying come back later in the afternoon when hubs is home. That right there is where I THINK things started to unravel with us. I started to distance myself from him. I really was no longer myself. This is what he calls the ‘Bait and Switch’ that this site loves to talk about so much. That we women give all men the bait and then after marriage poof it’s gone. I would argue because we were great for 3 years but whatever… 

These are the things that I used to be/do according to him:
1.	Loving
2.	Passionate
3.	Paid attention to him
4.	Joined in on his activities
5.	HAD GREAT SEX A LOT
6.	Fun
7.	Would drink not just socially but with HIM
8.	Athletic/ worked out

This is how I am now according to him:
1.	Boring
2.	Routine
3.	Care only about myself
4.	All about my phone
5.	On Facebook 24/7
6.	Boring sex IF AT ALL
7.	Watches too much TV
8.	Doesn’t drink
9.	Jumps at any occasion to help someone else
10.	Protector of my mother, brother, and sister
11.	Couch potato/ doesn’t care about anything

This is what I am trying to be NOW, but I need his help:
1.	I am trying to love him, but he doesn’t let me in
2.	I want to be more passionate and not boring, but he wants a plan of attack
3.	I am trying to pay attention to him, but he ignores me or says that I have wasted the time he allocated for the day to listen to me because there is only so much of me he can handle daily
4.	I want to join in on his activities but he never wants or needs me he can do it all by himself
5.	HAVE GREAT SEX A LOT, I would like to but yea no… 
6.	Be fun and spontaneous- he doesn’t want to do anything I suggest for us. Why always what you want so I say ok lets do something you want, no I don’t feel like it and goes to play video games, or tinkers with the car or whatever… 
7.	Drink with him, He used to make drinks but I can’t get him to make me one to have with him… 
8.	I have been back at the gym working out almost everyday like before for over a month now so I am doing this already

Is he right, YES. Yes he is absolutely right to accuse me of all of that. I probably should have gone to see a therapist or something because I believe I’ve been depressed. The only reason I am seeing all of this now is because as of late (2-3 months give or take) my husband has stopped trying. He doesn’t care anymore about me and only focuses on our son and himself. He even says this is the happiest he’s been in years. I don’t blame him at all, I blame myself. 

But really I am asking you because sure I will take all the blame am I really the only one to blame? 

I have been reading a lot on this site lately and a lot of the advice given is sometimes you are just to late. Am I really too late when he still lives with me we go on family vacations with our son and have a great time as a family just not together? I ask him to please let me fix this but he says he needs to be a willing participant if we’re going to fix anything and he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant. Where was I when he kept asking me to fix things. Again he is right. I feel like he did contribute to the cause of what happened in the beginning but I also feel that he wasn’t coming from a bad place now in retrospect. Except for the fact of really REALLY no one visits unless your home? Come on! Don’t you trust me at all?!? That is were I think it started. I felt like he only trusted himself not me. Like I would turn a blind eye to anyone around our child. Seriously you married me don’t you trust me at all?! Mind you this is a guy that had a lock on his door because he didn’t want anyone is his house to come and clean or whatever in his room. Honestly, I didn’t see anything wrong with that then because his room was always the cleanest of the entire house but its like he didn’t trust anyone.

I tell him I was most likely depressed I’ve always been very close to my family and not allowing them around all the time was hard for me to handle especially after giving birth and he said then I should live with them or if I was depressed I should have turned to him. Well my answer is that not everyone is going to react to situations exactly as you. 

Just now we got into an argument over coffee, I know pretty stupid if you ask me. My fault once again because I assumed he would make coffee and he didn’t feel like it. I know pretty immature of me to think that I will get what I want from him especially when he regards us as a fake marriage/ partnership… 

He says I can’t expect him to care naturally all of a sudden when I’ve trained him for 4 years to be this way. How do I fix this?!

Basically I am writing to you all in hopes that you will please help me! I want my husband back. The guy that wrote me a poem. The guy that would do anything for me. The guy that loved hanging out with me. I want to be the women he fell in love with. I HATE what I’ve done to him. He says he grew up thinking the wrong way about how a man and woman should be. He says he’s going to raise our son differently, which I’m afraid of now. I talk to him about my friends and their relationships and he says sure that guy is getting screwed because he’s a **** to her, ME I was nice and look at me now I had it all wrong. I hate what we’ve become!

I don’t agree with everything that my husband says but at this point I feel like I did more by pushing him away. He treats complete strangers better than me. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings even when we were dating. I had a crappy example so I’m sure they rubbed off on me a little. My parents, THAT WAS A FAKE MARRIAGE! They finally divorced last year but seriously they lived in a fake marriage for 12 years so he refers to them when talking about us saying I’ve turned us into them. I don’t want that. 

Please help me get rid of my husband’s resentment towards me. He says no one has anything good to say on the subject.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your husband shows signs of being over controlling and a perfectionist. I was like this and it was due to my horrible childhood which led to a lack of trust in all humans. I struggle with it till this day, but I've learned to recognize and temper it. What I can't figure out is if you've given him any reason to not trust you. The phone/Facebook thing is annoying especially if you can't control it but it shouldn't be a deal breaker. I think your husband is threatened by your family in some way and most likely doesn't trust them. Pot smokers are usually harmless. Is there any other reason he doesn't trust your family?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There are TWO people in a marriage, so when you say it's all your fault, that sets off alarm bells with me. You sound conflicted on this.

And seriously - he isn't home and yet he tells you that you have to turn people away when they come to visit?!?! Wtf is up with that?

Not to mention that YOU HAD A BABY. Things are way different after that. Often not in a good way, and couples need to work really hard to reconnect after the birth of a child. Him taking over with child care might sound nice on the surface, but all that did was reinforce your feelings of low self esteem IMO.

What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?

About you. You say many of the right things but are you actually doing them? He says you're a couch potato, you say you go to the gym. How often? Does he go? Why don't you go together? He says you're on facebook a lot. Why don't you delete your facebook account? I did - one of the BEST things ever for my marriage. Is your hubby on it? Why doesn't he also delete his?

Are you in MC? Have you read any books together? Do you know his love language?

Why don't you get a sitter, buy a bottle of wine and rent a porno and surprise him. Dress up sexy and seduce him. You say sex isn't happening - well MAKE it happen. Work on getting yourself aroused more often.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant.*

Only thing you can work on is YOU. You seem to be attempting...and you have his input. So do what YOU think is in your best interest, and what will improve the relationship. YOU can make drinks, YOU can make coffee... YOU can do more things than you do. Do all the things you can do without depending on his input, advise or assistance. BE someone (yourself I'd hope) that he WANTS to spend time with. 

I'm not really putting the whole thing on YOU. But you can only control yourself. You can't change him, so you may as well change yourself for the better. No matter what happens to the relationship, you will be new and improved. 

All that being said... I think he sounds like a d*ck. You gave him too much power. He should have equal input when talking about raising the baby, but not ridiculous unreal crap. He sounds controlling (and I HATE saying that).... but that comes back to you too, because you allowed it. People will treat you however you allow them to. 

He may be done trying.... which means that you can only work on yourself and prepare for your future. Whatever that may be.

Also.... what's up with the lack of sex? Whose idea is that? And what about marriage counseling???

Edited to add: It would be interesting to hear his point of view. If he likes this site, then get him to tell his side here and maybe you both can learn something from it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

People who point fingers at their spouse and call them boring are in fact more boring themselves. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his happiness, instead of blaming you for it. He sounds like a whiney petulant man child and that's the LAST thing you need.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, so he has a bunch of resentment. And he isn't a willing participant. What can you do about it? He's acting a bit immature, IMO. (and I know what that looks like)

Firstly, the comment on him not getting attention. Yup, baby is first now and that's hard on some husbands. They have to share your time. That is an adjustment. 

Second, his unwillingness to participate simply means you might consider just focusing on yourself. Try the 180 approach. It's meant to end the cycle of doing and doing and doing for the other person, who is always free to say it's not enough and he has all the power right now. He could have you jumping through hoops for a long time before he decides he is "ready" to work on the marriage. 

So he's told you what he wants. And you are trying. Take that one step further and really focus on you.

Stop talking about the relationship.
Get your own hobbies, activities, and things to do. Don't be home. 
He treats you like crap? No, don't accept that. Spend your time doing things you like to do. Without him. Gain some independence. 
Be nice, be respectful, but don't do his laundry or initiate sex.
Fake marriages don't include sex, doing his laundry, cooking, or anything else. 
Don't be malicious about it. Just simply be "busy" with your own life. Get off facebook. Take an online course. Find something mentally stimulating to do. Your life shouldn't be on hold because he's having a temper tantrum.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

There are two sides to every story.

I am the husband and a frequent reader of this site. 

I would prefer people not pass judgments on me, a person unknown, without hearing my side.

I am happy to see my wife reach out. I have recommended to her that she join this site several times since I enjoy reading it so much. Reading it much, however, I have noticed the quick judgments that are passed here sometimes.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> There are two sides to every story.
> 
> I am the husband and a frequent reader of this site.
> 
> ...


Saw this coming from a mile away.  Yes there are two sides to every story and she posted hers. Why not start your own thread and post your side.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant.*
> 
> Edited to add: It would be interesting to hear his point of view. If he likes this site, then get him to tell his side here and maybe you both can learn something from it.


He's replying now!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Because we only have one side..... 

You see where she is coming from, so why don't you give us more info? Since you are a fan of this site, then don't you think you could possibly improve your marriage thru it?

It would be helpful, and maybe less judgemental if we had both sides of the story...as always. We can only point out what we see. Right now we only see your relationship through your wife's eyes. And we've only told her to work on herself.... as that is all we have to go on.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

He talked about posting our problems on here so much that today I just did it without him knowing until after I submitted. 

I am sure a lot of you will side with him so I guess bring it on and tell me what I am doing wrong…


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> There are TWO people in a marriage, so when you say it's all your fault, that sets off alarm bells with me. You sound conflicted on this.
> 
> And seriously - he isn't home and yet he tells you that you have to turn people away when they come to visit?!?! Wtf is up with that?


When he was an infant, yes, just being born, I didn't want constant visitation. If you knew my family and hers, you'd understand why. I stipulated that if they wanted to visit, I wished that they waited until the afternoon so that there wouldn't be people there all day, which was highly likely. I stand by this no matter what she or anyone else says. Later on this wouldn't be an issue, but it was one for me the first month or two of his life. I didn't want visitors to this boy of mine unless I was there JUST for this time, which I don't see how it was such an inconvenience for the other parties since I was home from 3PM onward. 



Hope1964 said:


> Not to mention that YOU HAD A BABY. Things are way different after that. Often not in a good way, and couples need to work really hard to reconnect after the birth of a child. Him taking over with child care might sound nice on the surface, but all that did was reinforce your feelings of low self esteem IMO.


I certainly did not "Take Over." If fact, the visitation limits during my son's first month or two of life was the only thing I ever took a stand on. That hardly counts as "Taking Over" I'd venture. The only other thing I minded was family members of hers picking up and carrying my baby IMMEDIATELY after smoking marijuana... Nothing against those who smoke, but I have the right to dictate that I don't want him smothered by that smell so early in his life I think.



Hope1964 said:


> What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?
> 
> About you. You say many of the right things but are you actually doing them? He says you're a couch potato, you say you go to the gym. How often? Does he go? Why don't you go together? He says you're on facebook a lot. Why don't you delete your facebook account? I did - one of the BEST things ever for my marriage. Is your hubby on it? Why doesn't he also delete his?


We both went to the gym when we met. This is a contention to argue for us because I made big efforts to persuade her to go back to the gym that were ignored. Then her sister told her to join an expensive gym with her, and I supported her with the caveat that if she was joining an expensive gym, she'd better go. I also joined the same gym to show support. For four years, I was the only one going and we were paying her membership for nothing. 






Hope1964 said:


> Are you in MC? Have you read any books together? Do you know his love language?
> 
> Why don't you get a sitter, buy a bottle of wine and rent a porno and surprise him. Dress up sexy and seduce him. You say sex isn't happening - well MAKE it happen. Work on getting yourself aroused more often.


She KNOWS my love language is to merely take an interest in my things. For four years, however, she ignored me like I didn't exist. Only Facebook existed to her. Now she wants to pay attention to me and I am trying to deal with my resentment to move on. 

Thank you for not being so judgmental Hope.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> What does he mean when he says no one has anything good to say on the subject? What subject - you? Your marriage?


He has yet to find good article on getting over resentment. He says no one gives a plan of attack… He can't just all of a sudden be nice. He needs a plan that will work…


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> He talked about posting our problems on here so much that today I just did it without him knowing until after I submitted.
> 
> I am sure a lot of you will side with him so I guess bring it on and tell me what I am doing wrong…


Gosh no. Hold your head up.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *he doesn’t feel like being a willing participant.*
> 
> Yes I do.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Hmmmmm...... I think you can just kind of start over. Why not treat each other as if you are dating? Make a commitment to each other to enjoy each other. 

Date night for sure.....(take turns planning the nite's activity so that both get to share what they like to do.... with no complaining) spice up the sex life.... keep working out together. Give up FB for a while... see if that makes a difference. But both parties have to agree on all these things.

Edited to add: Sorry for the d*ck comment then....sure sounded negative tho. Yep, you can have whatever input you want for your baby... we don't have to agree with it. Plus, she made it sound like it was more severe than you made it sound. She also suggested that you are done trying. Thanks for putting up your side. I really think it's a matter of just "reconnecting".... which will take some planning, investment and commitment from both sides.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Why don't you get a sitter, buy a bottle of wine and rent a porno and surprise him. Dress up sexy and seduce him. You say sex isn't happening - well MAKE it happen. Work on getting yourself aroused more often.



We don't do sitters, only trusts my mom here at home and thats like once a month. Doesn't like to be without our son. Our Anniversary was with our son at a restaurant. He wants to share everything with our son. Sure I LOVE that, but I would like some adult time too… 

Wine and a porno wouldn't be a bad idea except he's not like your typical guy. That won't work with him. Trust me my friends have suggested similar ideas. He's not into make-up sex. I have tried to kiss him touch him but he just gets mad and theres only so much rejection I can take… 

He will tell you I 'rejected' him before in the past…


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> He has yet to find good article on getting over resentment. He says no one gives a plan of attack… He can't just all of a sudden be nice. He needs a plan that will work…


How about this one....
Put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you look at your son, think of this: You are denying him a father. You are refusing to give your son and your wife your present self, because you are dwelling on things that CANNOT be changed. You are stuck in the past. 

Snap that rubber band every time you look at him. 
To remind you to think in the present and the future. 
And remind you to think of the things you are grateful for. 

That way, when you look at your son, you will be thinking of the good things in your life and he will see your smile, not the black cloud.

Because that's all you have.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> He has yet to find good article on getting over resentment. He says no one gives a plan of attack… He can't just all of a sudden be nice. He needs a plan that will work…


Gosh he does blame others doesn't he. You create your own plan of attack, you don't wait for someone to hand you one.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Hmmmmm...... I think you can just kind of start over. Why not treat each other as if you are dating? Make a commitment to each other to enjoy each other.
> 
> Date night for sure.....(take turns planning the nite's activity so that both get to share what they like to do.... with no complaining) spice up the sex life.... keep working out together. Give up FB for a while... see if that makes a difference. But both parties have to agree on all these things.


I have suggested date night but he won't, at least for now…


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sounds like two very stubborn people here who would rather cast blame instead of looking for productive solutions to better communication and compromise


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Because we only have one side.....
> 
> You see where she is coming from, so why don't you give us more info? Since you are a fan of this site, then don't you think you could possibly improve your marriage thru it?
> 
> It would be helpful, and maybe less judgemental if we had both sides of the story...as always. We can only point out what we see. Right now we only see your relationship through your wife's eyes. And we've only told her to work on herself.... as that is all we have to go on.


I am a HUGE fan of this site. In fact, this site helped me pick up my self-esteem again after being ignored for years. 

Though just as a lurker, I appreciate much of the discussion I read on how to do that. I began focusing on my son and myself after years of doing everything she wanted and getting no attention in return. 

However, on the topic of resentment, I am still dealing with this. I get angry with her approaches now because I know they are only coming as a result of giving up. For four years, as I vied for her attention and did everything she wanted, nothing worked. Once she built up so much resentment in me that I gave up, now she wants to pay attention to me. This is very frustrating and I spend hours daily coming up with possible schemes and reaction to scenarios that can start bridging a four-year gap of anger.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Hmmmmm...... I think you can just kind of start over. Why not treat each other as if you are dating? Make a commitment to each other to enjoy each other.
> 
> Date night for sure.....(take turns planning the nite's activity so that both get to share what they like to do.... with no complaining) spice up the sex life.... keep working out together. Give up FB for a while... see if that makes a difference. But both parties have to agree on all these things.
> 
> Edited to add: Sorry for the d*ck comment then....sure sounded negative tho. Yep, you can have whatever input you want for your baby... we don't have to agree with it. Plus, she made it sound like it was more severe than you made it sound. She also suggested that you are done trying. Thanks for putting up your side. I really think it's a matter of just "reconnecting".... which will take some planning, investment and commitment from both sides.


Thank you. I share the same view, and I know this will take work. My wife wants me to just snap back naturally and be into her after years of being ignored, giving up, and learning to just focus on myself and my son. I KNOW this will take WORK. That's what I want her to understand.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sounds like two very stubborn people here who would rather cast blame instead of looking for productive solutions to better communication and compromise


:iagree:

You're right he says we're always in a competition. I don't want to be stubborn or immature like he calls it. I posted here today so people like you could point out these obvious truths to me so I can just get over myself and stop blaming and just better communicate with him because what we have been doing hasn't worked! I hope this does…


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> How about this one....
> Put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you look at your son, think of this: You are denying him a father. You are refusing to give your son and your wife your present self, because you are dwelling on things that CANNOT be changed. You are stuck in the past.
> 
> Snap that rubber band every time you look at him.
> ...


This is exactly what I taught myself to do (sans the rubber band). In fact, when I started seeing my life this way was when she finally wanted to start fixing things, very recently.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Gosh he does blame others doesn't he. You create your own plan of attack, you don't wait for someone to hand you one.


I never blamed anyone here and that is just a result of her phrasing.

What I have said was that getting over is a difficult issue few people have ideas on. I have also said that I would figure this out, if need be, ON MY OWN. 

I HAVE ALSO suggested that she do the same, discuss the issue with me, come up with a plan. Unfortunately, she gets frustrated quickly and simply blurts out that I should just "Get over it and start feeling something" for her... I'm trying to approach all of this patiently to actually come up with something that works.

Please take my word for it that I'm really not the type to be blaming others as to why I have no successful plan yet to overcome my resentment. I don't think that's such an unsympathetic situation either considering there are hundreds of people on here trying to do the same, get over their resentment. It's obviously not an easy fix.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Um, I will disagree. From what you are posting, you are bringing up the past 4 years a lot. And you admit you are resentful. You have not learned how to let it go. Clearly.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Edited to add: Sorry for the d*ck comment then....sure sounded negative tho. Yep, you can have whatever input you want for your baby... we don't have to agree with it. Plus, she made it sound like it was more severe than you made it sound. She also suggested that you are done trying. Thanks for putting up your side. I really think it's a matter of just "reconnecting".... which will take some planning, investment and commitment from both sides.


He says NOW that he wants to try :smthumbup: Yes I know it takes work, but it would be nice to see him try and not just me falling on my face each time messing up… I'm not perfect


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You're right he says we're always in a competition. I don't want to be stubborn or immature like he calls it. I posted here today so people like you could point out these obvious truths to me so I can just get over myself and stop blaming and just better communicate with him because what we have been doing hasn't worked! I hope this does…


Here's another obvious truth. You make your first post today after he has lurked here for months postless and instead of posting his own story, he usurps yours. If that isn't competition and control, I don't know what is.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> sounds like two very stubborn people here who would rather cast blame instead of looking for productive solutions to better communication and compromise



I do blame her for my resentment. I've learned already that her ignoring me for years was not my fault. I did my part and continued to be a reliable partner and father, but I gave up trying to be a "romantic partner" BECAUSE LIKE THE ADVICE SHE IS GETTING that was a part I couldn't control. 

So, no, I will not blame myself for being ignored for almost five years... And I will go the grave with that. 

I WILL take the blame for being uncooperative now that she wants to have a real relationship with me, which I don't have to because I am not. I am very cooperative and I want to succeed in overcoming my resentment. 

If this makes me stubborn and quick to blame others, then so be it. It's an unchangeable point. It either dooms it all and it will be my fault, a blame I will wear proudly, or it means there are other things to discuss and fix.

I WILL NOT take the blame for being rejected daily by my wife for years. I did NOT deserve it no matter what decisions I took with my baby when he was born.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> Um, I will disagree. From what you are posting, you are bringing up the past 4 years a lot. And you admit you are resentful. You have not learned how to let it go. Clearly.


How does the fact that I recognize my resentment equal that I am blaming others for it?

I am not blaming others for my resentment. 

The only blame I have ever place is on my wife for ignoring me for so long. 

If I bring up the past so much it isn't because I am blaming others. It is because I am resentful. 

I CLEARLY recognize my wife wants to pay attention to me now, and I know it's 50% my job now to make it work. Thus, why I spend a lot of time trying to train myself to be open again.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Here's another obvious truth. You make your first post today after he has lurked here for months postless and instead of posting his own story, he usurps yours. If that isn't competition and control, I don't know what is.



I knew that was coming. Do you or my wife feel I am usurping something or do you guys feel that I am trying to discuss how to get over resentment?

Tell me that you feel the former, and as a reader of many of your posts that I admire I will not post again.

I don't think it's fair to day I am usurping, but I'll let you decide. I have been reading you for a long time.

If I had started this thread, would you reply to me differently? I think this is splitting hairs, but I will start my own thread right now if that's the case... And then you could maybe post there how to help me?


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> I knew that was coming. Do you or my wife feel I am usurping something or do you guys feel that I am trying to discuss how to get over resentment.
> 
> Tell me that you feel the former, and as a reader of many of your posts that I admire I will not post again.
> 
> I don't think it's fair to day I am usurping, but I'll let you decide. I have been reading you for a long time.


I just want us to get back to US


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> I knew that was coming. Do you or my wife feel I am usurping something or do you guys feel that I am trying to discuss how to get over resentment?
> 
> Tell me that you feel the former, and as a reader of many of your posts that I admire I will not post again.
> 
> ...


I recommend starting your own post, I really do. This dueling banjos thing isn't working. It just seems like each is trying to one up the other. We want to hear your side of the story and not just as a shot back at her just as we want to hear her side of the story and not in defensive mode. Coming in taking over her post leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I would have said the exact same thing to her had she done that to you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> You're right he says we're always in a competition. I don't want to be stubborn or immature like he calls it. I posted here today so people like you could point out these obvious truths to me so I can just get over myself and stop blaming and just better communicate with him because what we have been doing hasn't worked! I hope this does…





Interlocutor said:


> I do blame her for my resentment. I've learned already that her ignoring me for years was not my fault. I did my part and continued to be a reliable partner and father, but I gave up trying to be a "romantic partner" BECAUSE LIKE THE ADVICE SHE IS GETTING that was a part I couldn't control.
> 
> So, no, I will not blame myself for being ignored for almost five years... And I will go the grave with that.
> 
> ...



you also both sound defensive


you both need to take a time out and start again

stop making it about fault or who's more of the guilty party, real change needs to take place from both sides and while you both need to learn from past mistakes you need to forgive each other for a period of time in order to start doing the things that are needed. 

start simple- each pick one thing that you makes you unhappy and discuss it tonight. Don't use terms like "you always" and "you never", don't get defensive about what the other one is saying, don't get angry or cry and keep your emotions in check, don't be quick to judge or cast blame and really listen and respond with your own feelings on the subject and make a solution that works for both of you. 

Once you start working as a team on things the better you will feel about each other and the closer you will get.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you also both sound defensive
> 
> 
> you both need to take a time out and start again
> ...


Thanks for the advice


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Giving up being a romantic partner is not something you are "allowed" to do in a marriage. 
A wiser choice would have been to learn how to resolve the issue, or leave the relationshp. But it's done. So move on towards the future, whatever that brings.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I recommend starting your own post, I really do. This dueling banjos thing isn't working. It just seems like each is trying to one up the other. We want to hear your side of the story and not just as a shot back at her just as we want to hear her side of the story and not in defensive mode. Coming in taking over her post leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I would have said the exact same thing to her had she done that to you.


Then like I said I defer to your suggestion. 

Done.

Visit it if you have time. Thanks.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> Giving up being a romantic partner is not something you are "allowed" to do in a marriage.
> A wiser choice would have been to learn how to resolve the issue, or leave the relationshp. But it's done. So move on towards the future, whatever that brings.


That's something we both are to blame, yes he is to blame as of late, but me in the past…

I don't know why but it just wasn't fun for me for awhile… To be honest I am nervous about it now. I honestly don't know why. I want to love him like I did and still do. He says I'm too prissy or things are to yucky for me now! What happened to my crazy wife that didn't care about the sheets or whatever… I want to let go and let loose but it's hard


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Interlocutor said:


> I do blame her for my resentment. I've learned already that her ignoring me for years was not my fault. I did my part and continued to be a reliable partner and father, but I gave up trying to be a "romantic partner" BECAUSE LIKE THE ADVICE SHE IS GETTING that was a part I couldn't control.
> 
> So, no, I will not blame myself for being ignored for almost five years... And I will go the grave with that.
> 
> ...


Dude, get a grip. Own your feelings, only you are responsible for your resentment. You also own fifty percent of any marital problems. If you felt rejected every day for years (which sounds perfectly reasonable to me) did you bring your feelings to your wife's undivided attention in a straightforward, unambiguous, loving manner each and every day? Or did you disconnect and feel victimized in your resentment?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> That's something we both are to blame, yes he is to blame as of late, but me in the past…
> 
> I don't know why but it just wasn't fun for me for awhile… To be honest I am nervous about it now. I honestly don't know why. I want to love him like I did and still do. He says I'm too prissy or things are to yucky for me now! What happened to my crazy wife that didn't care about the sheets or whatever… I want to let go and let loose but it's hard


I've been there. So have a lot of other people on this site. 
You can turn that around. If you want to.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

deejov said:


> I've been there. So have a lot of other people on this site.
> You can turn that around. If you want to.


I do! I just want him to want me you know… because where we are right now I can't do anything right


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

PleaseHELP09 said:


> What happened to my crazy wife that didn't care about the sheets or whatever… I want to let go and let loose but it's hard


Very few of us can claim to be the same person we were ten years ago, especially if we have children now. Just recognize that the person you are now is even better. The product of a decade of committed love is far superior to the juvenile antics of yesteryear it just needs a time and place to be presented


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Thanks! I'm just trying to be the best version of myself that I can be… I made my mistakes, trying to not repeat them.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Dude, get a grip. Own your feelings, only you are responsible for your resentment. You also own fifty percent of any marital problems. If you felt rejected every day for years (which sounds perfectly reasonable to me) did you bring your feelings to your wife's undivided attention in a straightforward, unambiguous, loving manner each and every day? Or did you disconnect and feel victimized in your resentment?


If you wish to discuss something with me, which I take from the fact you quoted me, please note that I was asked to start my own thread by Therealbrighteyes prior to your recommendation that I get a grip. I'd LOVE to respond to this and narrate to you the many attempts at diplomatic solutions and the many times I asked her what would make her happy followed by complying, all resulting unsuccessfully. I'd also love to tell you what I did with my other 50% and the amazing bond I now share with my son as a result.

Please, direct these concerns there. Thanks.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

The way to get over resentment? Let.it.go. Yes, conscious decision and conscious effort on a daily basis to forgive and move on. No one is perfect. No spouse ever acts the way the other wants all of the time.

Any reason why you two are not seeking out marriage counseling? It might help you to have a non-partial third-party who could help mediate the discussions.

Best wishes.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

..


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

Thank-you for everyone's advice today and those that may come in the future! 

I do believe that by posting today my husband and I will start to move forward.

I'm off to the gym for my own self improvement, but before I go I wanted to make sure to say thank-you for taking the time to give me some much needed advice and a swift kick in the butt!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating. 

Be kind. 
Be polite.
Dress nice.
Do little things for each other.
Entertain each other.
Entice each other.
Seduce each other.

And ya know.... count your blessings... you do want each other...just have to reconnect!


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I think you both want the same things.... and just don't know how to get started. I THINK you have to do your best to try to impress each other... like you do when you are dating.
> 
> Be kind.
> Be polite.
> ...


:iagree:

I want to do all of that, he thinks I don't know how to though and gets angry or cringes like he's mentioned if I try to touch him… 

I think he's not taking me serious though. I think he feels I just posted all this today as another attempt to 'talk' but then feel satisfied I tried until I get annoyed again in a few days and bring it all up again. 

I posted today because I don't want to keep repeating the same thing. I want to reconcile and move forward with him! 

This is why I get frustrated and he accuses me of saying things like "Do you want to hang out or are you mad at me today?". Sure I say stuff like that which I shouldn't and I will do my best to not say words like that again, but I got home from the gym and asked him what he thought about everything discussed today and he wouldn't talk to me kept saying hold on hold on but when I mention OH! someone posted on our threads he runs to the computer to answer the posts. 

UMM Hello I'm the person they are talking about why can't you just talk to me for a second…




I think he is finally seeing that I do mean it…


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He seems willing to work on things... which is more than what you said this morning. Personally, I think you could back off on the relationship talk. I'm not a counselor and I have no idea if anyone would agree... but ya know, you put it out there (which you both have), you know where each other stands... so work on just being nice to each other, taking it slow, giving each other space and time, while all the time being considerate and thoughtful... without talking about it. 

I do know that some couples have gotten all caught up in the "he said/she said" to the point where they are advised to set aside like 30 minutes per week.... do not talk about how the relationship is going until that time... then you have a time limit so it doesn't get all circular. 

Still, with you both willing to work at it.... it's got to get better. You both have to give each other the benefit of the doubt tho and believe that the other is sincerely working on improving the marriage, and treating your spouse as if they are someone you love and want in your life.


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## PleaseHELP09 (Dec 29, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> He seems willing to work on things... which is more than what you said this morning.


YES, He does! THANK-GOD! :smthumbup:


I am not a good communicator so the way I have been going about this in the past only made things worse. I would argue tell him to get over it be nice to me love me with him not wanting to and just getting frustrated and retreat to my corner… 

Today, like he was just pointing out to me (talking in the kitchen) I actually decided to keep trying and didn't give up. 

So YES I do think we are FINALLY getting somewhere! It's a start a small start, but a start!


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