# I had no idea she was unhappy



## Gandalf the Sad

Hello, 

"I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so ****ING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


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## sokillme

Why do you want to exactly? If you want to be mad at yourself be mad at allowing yourself to still be bullied.

You know with the right "decent" women she will just tell you she is unhappy so you can work on it she won't use it to go have an affair. And as far as being unhappy, I bet you are unhappy now right? Why shouldn't you go **** someone? You should ask her this, by her logic you should right? 

Seriously dude your wife sucks, you are settling and life is short. I bet she probably always sucked to some extent, people like your wife usually do. You probably just don't know any better. It's not you it's her. 

YOUR WIFE IS NOT A PATH FOR HAPPINESS ANY MORE.

Go get a lawyer and file.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Gandalf the Sad said:


> Hello,
> 
> "I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


The only defense you have is you wanted to save the marriage. Worrying about what others say about your wife is an excuse to stay in a poor maririage. Worrying about the good things she does for others is an excuse. 

Did she tell you she was unhappy or is that you making another excuse?

Problems in the marriage are 50/50, not the cheating.
I am not trying to be mean, but her cheating is not your fault.


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## Marc878

Gandalf the Sad said:


> Hello,
> 
> "I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call.
> 
> You jumped into trying to save the marriage? Why? If they are still talking the affair is ongoing. You are on a fools errand bud
> 
> When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind.
> 
> You stayed so in essence you are accepting an open marruage on her end. Why?
> 
> How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


It's not up to you to make the marriage work at this point. It's all on her.

Sounds like you're making the very stupid mistake of helping hide their affair.

*Better wake up*. At this time all you're doing is enabling a cheater and feeding her cake.

You feed a cake eater they just want more cake.

So you want to work on the marriage? The affair has to end first which it hasn't.

You're only good option at this time is full exposure. Other mans wife, his and your wife's family and friends. No warning and do it all at once.

I suspect you are to affraid to fo anything. What's that get you? More of the same.

You're probably worried you might make her mad and push her away. Don't be. She already left.


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## GusPolinski

Gandalf the Sad said:


> Hello,
> 
> "I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


You can’t.

And you can’t make it work without her either way — she has to carry her own weight.

And that will involve, among other other things, PERMANENTLY cutting any and all contact with her affair partner.

No texts, no phone calls, no emails, no in-game messages, social media contact, and FFS no in-person contact of any kind.

If she’s not willing to do that then just cut her loose. You’ll both be happier in the long run, even if you can’t see that right now.


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## Marc878

Limbo is a self imposed state. Only you can keep yourself there.

That's all you're doing at this time


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## frusdil

GusPolinski said:


> You can’t.
> 
> And you can’t make it work without her either way — she has to carry her own weight.
> 
> And that will involve, among other other things, PERMANENTLY cutting any and all contact with her affair partner.
> 
> No texts, no phone calls, no emails, no in-game messages, social media contact, and FFS no in-person contact of any kind.
> 
> If she’s not willing to do that then just cut her loose. You’ll both be happier in the long run, even if you can’t see that right now.


This ^^ If she won't do those things, and hesitates for even a second, there's your answer.

The marriage won't stand a chance at all if she remains in contact with the POSOM.


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## TJW

Gandalf the Sad said:


> I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel.


Sorry, now you are a member of a club that none of us wanted to join. But, you can let yourself go on this one. Cheaters are very adept at living a "double life". They hide their activities well from others, mostly from their spouse whom they are betraying. They become excellent liars and hypocrites. Con artists, if you will.... real pros.....




Gandalf the Sad said:


> How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


Well, BTDT. I tried to make the marriage work. For more than a year. But, the "bottom line" came. I didn't want to accept it, but I came to the "breaking point", after which I did the "180":

*THE 180*

The 180 did absolutely nothing to change my wife. It did not make me trust her in any way, actually, my "epiphany" was that I could not be "safe" with her emotionally. I could not be intimate with her anymore..... It was OVER.....it was over from the day I found out about her affair.....I just didn't want it to be..... 

The 180 helped me, though, to bring myself out of the ashes and live my own life again.....



Gandalf the Sad said:


> So, this is my life now.


Well, BTDT, too. I accepted and ate the $hit $andwich. But, there came a time, after that year I told you about, that I decided that I wasn't going to eat it ever again. I made my life different, going forward. She wasn't a part of it, that's all.

@frusdil has it exactly right. But, I only know this because of "hindsight". We went to a MC who handed her a telephone, right there in the meeting, and told her to call her AP and tell him her forever goodbye, right here, and right now. She wouldn't. That's when I should have paid the guy, walked out of the office, and never gone back to her again. He told me that I had every good right, on that basis, to end my marriage. He was right..... but it took me another year to see it.

And, @GusPolinski has it exactly right, too. You will be happier..... but it's hard to see that right now. It was, for me. But, I finally got there.


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## NorseViking

I would be tough like hell.
Do not beg, plead or do the pick me dance.
It will NEVER work!
Give her divorce papers.
It will shake her up.
Her response will tell you everything.
If she wants to save the marriage, fine.
Clock is now ticking.
If not, you will know.
Kick her out like trash.
Tell her that.
Communication is the key.
Tell her how you feel.
All day long.
How much you hate her and her actions.
How she destroyed your marriage.
Every day, so she will remember it for the rest of her sad life.
Make sure you tell her what you want 
and if she does not agree you will expose her for what she really is.
No mercy for her.
Do not feel sorry for her.
She is an adult and crushed her life and marriage.
Cheating is 100% her fault.
Tell her all that.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Gandalf the Sad said:


> How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


 Why WOULD you?

She's been cheating on you for 3 years now. You got a sudden 'confession' from her for reasons unknown at the moment but I'm willing to bet it wasn't due to guilt or remorse. When they cheat for a long time and then you get a sudden confession out of the blue, that usually means they only told you because they thought they were about to be exposed.

*Think *about it OP. Why on earth would she 'confess' to you then continue LYING to you when you ask her questions about the affair? That right there is a glaring indication that her so-called 'confession' wasn't altruistic at ALL. I'm willing to bet her boyfriend was possibly threatening to tell you because she finally told him she was married and he was angry at her (and rightfully so), or perhaps HE also has a girlfriend/wife and she found out about these two and your wife was petrified she'd tell you. You got that phony confession from your wife for a reason - and it's NOT because she's wracked with guilt. I think that ship sailed a *long* time ago.

If you choose to stay with her, then know that you're choosing to stay with someone who thought it was perfectly fine - *for over 3 long years *- to LIE to your face on a daily basis, betray you on a daily basis, deceive you on a daily basis, gas-light you on a daily basis, and disrespect you on a daily basis.

Why would you WANT to stay with someone capable of that type of vile behavior?


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## phillybeffandswiss

An honest spouse would have come to you and told you something before they decided to cheated. Maybe she did and you ignored it. An honest spouse would have left and then found someone else, which is not cheating. 

Let me add, to me, three years is not guilt, someone saw them or the guy made a request. A few days or months maybe, three years I do not buy a guilty confession at all. You did something that made her think you discovered the affair or the other guy asked her to get married.


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## NobodySpecial

Gandalf the Sad said:


> Hello,
> 
> "I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so F&CKING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. * How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her*?


Sorry. So sorry. You don't. And so long as she is continuing with him and not fully engaging with you, she does not really want to. Maybe regardless she does not really want to.


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## notmyjamie

I'm so sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you found this forum. Lots of helpful people here. Listen to them, they know the drill. Your wife is trying to have the best of both worlds. She's taking all the advantages of being married to you while she's off ****ing someone else. I can't even imagine the mind of someone who actually thinks that is okay. If you don't want to share your wife, you're going to need to end things with her. Do the 180 for your own sake, not hers. It will only help you in the long run.

Keep coming here. It's a good place to get guidance and support.


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## lifeistooshort

YOU don't "make this marriage work".

She does.

If she doesn't then it's over.

This is one thing I learned from my ex and his EA (maybe PA at one time but know knows). I made all of the effort, including dragging him to counseling which he minimally participated in. He not only made no effort to deal with anything, he actively withdrew the efforts he used to make as a normal part of the marriage to punish me for "not letting it go" and "wanting to be miserable".

Yet he was shocked when I divorced him.

You sir shouldn't be making any effort right now....that should be coming from her and you can respond.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of her....I got rid of my ex and am much happier.


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## Oldtimer

The only effort you should make is seeing a lawyer and exposing. You were the other man for three years. Think about that.


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## Malaise

phillybeffandswiss said:


> An honest spouse would have come to you and told you something before they decided to cheated. Maybe she did and you ignored it. An honest spouse would have left and then found someone else, which is not cheating.
> 
> Let me add, to me,* three years is not guilt, someone saw them or the guy made a request. *A few days or months maybe, three years I do not buy a guilty confession at all. You did something that made her think you discovered the affair or the other guy asked her to get married.


Yep.


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## citygirl4344

Honestly. Your marriage is done.
You cannot make it work...she is the one who strayed and needs to put in all the work. But you say she’s still talking to her AP and saying she loves him? Enough is enough.
I agree with others here that say she didn’t just all of a sudden feel like she had to say something...there is definitely more coming. Be prepared. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

if she wanted the marriage to work and was truly repentant, then she wouldn't be having any more contact with him now. She has told you but the affair carries on, so what was the point of doing that? 

If you still want to stay after all she has done and is doing, give her the choice of a)staying in the marriage which means stopping ALL contact for good and going to MC, or b)a divorce. 

Also find out if he is married or in a relationship and if he is tell his wife/partner. 

Who cares if she makes cup cakes, she is acting appallingly. They are going to realise soon that she isn't an angel at all.


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## skerzoid

The saying goes: *If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.* Here are the tough choices you have to make to save it:

1. *You forgave her before you even knew what you were forgiving.* You gave her no consequences. What did you expect her to do, give up a 9 year long emotional affair, and a year long physical affair just like that? 

2. *File for divorce now.* IF she changes for the better, (not likely) it can be stopped at your discretion. It may shock her into reality, it may not. Either way, you are closer to getting out of infidelity sooner either way. And, you will never trust her again totally.

3. *Get an STD exam now, and insist on her doing the same.* If not, divorce. She has been letting another man put his body fluids in her. 

4. *Start doing the 180 NOW.* https://affaircare.com/the-180/

5. *Insist on no more game play.* Stop paying for her stupid game. Open all communications to you. If not, divorce.

6. *Tell her that you want a timeline of the affair with descriptions of everything to be backed up by a polygraph exam.* If not, divorce.

7. *A no contact letter reviewed by you.* No closure messages with him, either written or phone. If not, divorce.

8. *A letter written by her outlining what she plans to do to rebuild the marriage.*

9. *She choses him or you immediately.* If not divorce.

10. *No begging from you, no more proposing to rebuild the marriage.* She broke it, she has to fix it.

11. *Start separating finances.*Cut her off from your health insurance. Cut her out of your will.

12. *Postnuptial agreement if you stay married.*

13. *Tell her to get a different place to live. * She needs to see what living without you means.

14. *Expose to friends and family.* Find out if he has an SO. Expose to her also.

15. *Women are drawn to courage, strength, and decisiveness.* The only people that come out of this kind of crap with themselves intact are those who show strength. *She has to see that you are ready to move on without her.* *She has to believe it or you will not save your marriage.*


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## 269370

Gandalf the Sad said:


> . How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?



Unfortunately you probably can’t. Very sorry you are here.



Gandalf the Sad said:


> She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her."


This is what annoys me probably the most about these ‘confessions’. It is not done out of compassion to the spouse, it is only done out of the need of unburdening yourself from the guilt and dumping it onto the partner.
In her case, I think it is also done out of the need of putting the ball into your court for you to make the decision to leave her (and perhaps get you to look like the bad guy).

This is why I would never want to know. I would expect my partner to come to me and just say: “look, I’m not happy, I decided we should to go our separate ways” or just shut up and be the best wife you can be going forward and never speak a word of it.
Hate these bull**** mind games.


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## personofinterest

Unless you are osychis, you dont know why another person does something.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

She is still in contact! She has no respect for you or your marriage. Oh a year? I am calling bull**** on that assertion by her. It went physical the first time they met in IMHO. You should man up NOW. First read up and implement the 180. Let her know that three is a crowd in a marriage and you will not share her. Next serve her with divorce papers. Nothing says you mean business like having papers served on her.

Consider Exposure. Expose to close friends and family. Nothing kills an affair like exposure. Please quit being a doormat.


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## 269370

personofinterest said:


> Unless you are osychis, you dont know why another person does something.



You are right. But sometimes you can make an educated guess.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

If she is still in contact with him, you pack her bags and call her parents, friend, relative to come pick her up. Hell, call the OM since you have his number.


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## jlg07

"EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her? "

First, expose her to your/her family -- she is NOT an angel by any means. Don't care what she does to make it "look" like she is a good person -- she is not.
Second, I HOPE you have copies of those texts someplace and keep them safe.
Third, you WILL NOT be able to make the marriage work -- she is still in contact with the POSOM -- how do you expect to have a marriage with him still invovled?

Get your finances together, get to a NUMBER of the best divorce lawyers in your area (so she can't use any of them), pick the best who will GET YOU the best deal out of this, and then hand her divorce papers.
It is the only way to shock her out of this, if at all.
Honestly, after what she is doing, WHY would you want to stay married to that. She is NOT the person you think you know -- she is now showing her true self and you deserve way better than someone who cheats on you.


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## MattMatt

She is an angel? And? Lucifer was an angel. And look how THAT ended?

You need to get tested for STDs, make sure she knows this, and you need counselling for you to help you recover from what she has done to you.

Marriage counselling will not work because she is still cheating.

Why the confession? Perhaps he proposed to her and she kept putting him off until she admitted she was married or he found out in some other way and was so angry that she wasted three years of his life and threatened to expose her as a cheater?


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## Taxman

I believe that you should follow standard protocol for this until such time as you determine what you want, and what her motivations were. I generally believe that consequences should be meted out based on the aforementioned. Your first stop should be with legal counsel. Have a divorce drawn up. You never know what the reaction will be until you have those pieces of paper in your hand. What are your rights and obligations. Second, you need to contact the OM and his wife. Nobody emerges from this unscathed. Third, if they work together, that stops now. Even if it hurts her career, and damages you financially, the pain will be longer lived if she keeps falling into affairs. I usually recommend a period of separation. I have advised one woman that a separation does not mean that you are free to have an open relationship with your AP, it means that you are cut off from both. You get to see what life is like when you are totally alone and are fighting to keep your marriage. Oh and by the way, the game, and the conversations. They are done. Period.

You need to eat, drink, sleep and work out. She needs to explain herself. That is just for starters. 
Read here, and heed our advice. Most of us have been through this in one form or another. Some of us are professionals who see variations of what you are experiencing. Keep checking back.

And Gandalf, I urge you to do the one thing they absolutely positively hate. Tell. Tell everyone. I have had women in my office saying that their husband destroyed every bit of reputation they had, by telling every single friend and relative. I have had men saying that their businesses and lives were destroyed as their credibility was now non existent. The first and best reaction to an affair is to drag it out into the light. Affairs thrive in the dark, shine a light on the wrongdoing. You need to see her reactions to this in order to gauge effectively what your path is going forward.


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## StillSearching

Gandalf the Sad said:


> Hello,
> 
> "I slept with someone." These words were softly spoken to me by my wife of almost 19 years. She explained that the gentleman she has been seeing is a friend from an online game they have played for almost 9 years. They decided on a face-to-face meeting about 3 YEARS AGO. She claims the physical part of the relationship has only gone on for "about a year." Here is the real kicker........She never told him she was married!!!!! She states she "came clean" because the guilt was "killing her." Now, i am trying to figure out what to do. I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call. When i started going thru a year of her call history and uncovering the immense number of calls per day that she made to him, she switched to an app that you can make calls that are not recorded by our wireless carrier. When her cell phone wasn't attached to her hip, i went thru the text history. I discovered words like "i love you", "i miss you", that were typed several weeks AFTER her confession. When I asked her to read me the texts, she stated that she erased them daily. You should of seen the look when i quoted one of the texts back to her. She knew she got caught lying again. So, this is my life now. I am so incredibly mad at myself for being so ****ING blind. How did i not see this? In my defense, EVERYBODY thinks my wife is an angel. She takes care of her older brother and sister who are not well, she bakes cupcakes for people she works with, she has ALWAYS been a trusting and loving person. It has been almost a month since those words shattered my world. How can i make this marriage work if i dont trust her?


Truth is you must file.
No other choice will lead to meaning and happiness for you.
Sorry.


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## jsmart

She's trusting and loving? No that would be the description of the husband that made her actions possible. While you bust your but for the family, making it possible for her to have time and resources to play Mother Teresa, you get less from her. You trusted that the emotional distance and all the time away from you was because she's so selfless, but it so she can steal moments to spend time with her lover. If she's not in touch with her lover, she's spending time with her older sibling. YOu received the little that was left in the tank and probably attributed her emotional distance as her being tired but it was her way of creating distance as to not cheat on her lover.

For nearly a decade your loving and trusting wife betrayed the family, putting her emotional energy into another man. Don't buy that it went physical for the past year. This has been a sexual PA since they met 3 years ago. After 6 years of an EA, it must have been explosive night of passion when them met.

As for her confession, I strongly doubt it was given out of guilt; at least not guilt for cheating on you. Either POS was found out by his wife or someone saw them together OR possibly she hopes you divorce her, so she can be with her "soul mate." Her continuing to tell this guy she loves him AFTER she confessed, is the proof you need that it had nothing to do with guilt. She goes through the motions with you but her heart belongs to POS.

Personally I think you should file for divorce but it appears you're not there yet and want to try and salvage this travesty of a marriage. If that's what you really want then you must bring the light of day to her deeds. If you cover up her years of infidelity, her family going to think she's being bullied and that you all of a sudden became a control freak. 

Don't let embarrassment due to thoughts of being less of a man keep you from fully exposing her. I know you feel emasculated by her betrayal but it has nothing to do with you being less of a man. It's about a wife who thinks she's entitled to your resources while giving her love to another. Also don't fear pushing her away. She's more checked out that you think. If facing the truth of who she's been for nearly a decade, causes her to run off, then let her go.

The exposure must be to the entire family, including PG version to any teenage kids. Don't help her deceive others into thinking you're having marital problems because you're just growing apart. Without consequences, it's more likely that she'll continue to betray you. Remember that adultery flourishes while hidden. 

PS: Stop calling this POS a gentlemen. Do you really think he didn't know she was married after 9 years? She said that so you won't expose him to his wife. Which you MUST do.


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## Yeswecan

Well, your WW wanted to get the guilt off her mind. She has done so. Back to doing what she was doing guilt free now. Life is good for your WW...at least in her mind. Guilt free and all. File man...just file.


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## Chaparral

Your wife has a cupcake in one hand and a knife in her back stabbing hand. 

You don’t mention kids. If you have any, they need to be DNA tested. No matter how that turns out you are their dad. 

I didn’t catch how far away this guy lives. 

Your wife lies with ease. Everything she tells you has to be independently verified. Never give her your sources. Just say something like you know she is lying. How do you know she isn’t still banging him? Do you know him?


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## TJW

jsmart said:


> She goes through the motions with you but her heart belongs to POS.


This is a common position for cheaters. They like the advantages, good life, facade before the family and friends, and kids.... but they want to "buy it cheap".... with no fidelity, dedication, or effort on their marriage and especially not upon you. Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 2, "What To Do After D-Day".

Your wife has now relieved herself of guilt. She can proceed to cake-eating with no inhibitions, now.


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## StillSearching

She's already divorced you, in her world.
You just refuse to except this.....We all do this as BS.
File, get your train moving forward.


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## 3Xnocharm

Her staying in contact the OM proves that she didnt confess out of guilt, and proves she doesnt want to make your marriage work. You say this is your life now, well right now this is your choice to stay where you are. Until you make a better choice, nothing is going to change.


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## jsmart

What kills me about this is everyone thinking his WW is some super kind and loving woman. This has been going on for so long that it's become normal for him. It is poor Gandalf, that's been the trusting one. He actually believed this "gentlemen" didn't know after 9 years that she was married. 

His WW gives to everyone but the man who's had her back. I'd gamble that he's endured years of duty sex. A woman doesn't give herself to another woman without completely detaching from their husband. 
@Gandalf the Sad , I hope you don't run off because our response are hard to hear, you desperately needs TAM. You must expose your wife to all and expose POS to his wife. Your WW is trying to protect her man by lying about him not knowing. 

Do NOT be afraid to blow it all up. Consistently we see here on TAM that it is the BHs that try to nice their wives and rug sweep the affair that end up with indifferent wives who try to continue the affair. It is the bold, decisive BHs that go Shock and Awe, that end up with WWs that scramble to save the marriage.


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## Graywolf2

Gandalf the Sad said:


> I have told her we will try to "repair" the marriage. However, she does still talk to him about every other day, either by text or phone call.


Why should she stop contacting him? Your actions have shown her that you don’t think what she did was a big deal. She told you what she did and nothing changed. You went straight to working on the marriage and her life went on as it always has. 

What would your actions be if she backed her car into your mailbox and knocked it over? It seems that your actions would be about the same.

If you immediately fix someone’s problem they are never impacted by its magnitude.

Let’s say that your doctor told you that you had cancer. Then they immediately added that the cure is in their pocket. How upset would you be that you had cancer? 
By offing working on the marriage right out of the box she hasn’t had to even THINK of consequences.

That’s why I say that divorce must always be on the table even if in your own mind you 100% want to R. Your value in a long marriage is stability, family, reputation, quality of day to day life and someone to grow old with in sickness and in health.

You have allowed her to take all that for granted. You’re like a dad that will never kick his teenage daughter out of the house no matter what she does. Why shouldn’t she continue to sneak out of her bedroom window to see the boy he doesn’t approve of? The only way he can get her to take things seriously is to convince her that he might actually kick her out of the house.

The only reason to not at least mention divorce is that you’re afraid that she will take you up on it. If you can’t live without her no matter she does you’re so screwed.


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## TJW

3Xnocharm said:


> Her staying in contact the OM proves that she didnt confess out of guilt, and proves she doesnt want to make your marriage work.


I said it before, and I'll say it again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. When my WW refused to dump the OM, I should have been done in the next 5 seconds with any attempt at trying to work on the marriage. Instead, it took me another year to recognize that she had no intentions of a "working" marriage with me, she only wanted me to pay the bills, provide a built-in baby sitter so she could go phuck him. She didn't want our marriage, she only wanted what it could provide, that she knew damned well wouldn't be provided by the OM (who already had a wife and family).



jsmart said:


> It is the bold, decisive BHs that go Shock and Awe, that end up with WWs that scramble to save the marriage.


Let me clue you in on something. I went Shock and Awe. I told everybody. The affair was over within a month. The OM liked having a wife and a girl friend, but he couldn't handle having two wives. However, the marriage was over. I wasted a year of my life. Should have been 5 seconds. Shock and Awe, and haul a$$.


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