# Why and how you stop watching porn...



## Happykat

Hi guys! I know some of you are pro-porn. So let's not waste your time here 😁

What i need to know from you (who has decided to stop or has overcome porn addiction) is...

the why, how and does your wife's reaction play an influence?

Thanks guys 🙂


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## SentHereForAReason

Maybe some insight into what you are getting at will help?

Forgive me for asking but are you man that has a wife that's trying to get him to stop or are you a wife that's wanting to get your husband to stop?


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## sokillme

check out nofap on reddit I think.


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## Happykat

stillfightingforus said:


> Maybe some insight into what you are getting at will help?
> 
> Forgive me for asking but are you man that has a wife that's trying to get him to stop or are you a wife that's wanting to get your husband to stop?



I'm a wife. I want him to stop. Please pro-porners, save your saliva.😂

I want to know what kind of responds ...have higher chance of helping or motivate him to stop.

He wants to stop. I think...thats what he said last time. . anyways, i suspect it is addiction relapse.

I want to know what kind of respond works better. I already cried and fought (due to hurt). he stopped for awhile but didnt take necessary actions to stop the addiction.

Now im almost numb ... but still hurt.


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## sokillme

Happykat said:


> I'm a wife. I want him to stop. Please pro-porners, save your saliva.😂
> 
> I want to know what kind of responds ...have higher chance of helping or motivate him to stop.
> 
> He wants to stop. I think...thats what he said last time. . anyways, i suspect it is addiction relapse.
> 
> I want to know what kind of respond works better. I already cried and fought (due to hurt). he stopped for awhile but didnt take necessary actions to stop the addiction.
> 
> Now im almost numb ... but still hurt.


Look up "your brain on porn" maybe you can try the logical route.


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## Adelais

My husband stopped when I discovered he had completely missed an important engagement because he stayed home looking at porn instead.

He had tried to pretend that he missed the engagement because he was off late from work and then got an "important phone call." He treated me with disdain when he arrived and I was upset that he completely missed our family's planned thing.

When I got home and found his laptop on the bathroom floor and asked him to type his password for me, he had the look of a deer in the headlights.

He claimed that he "wanted to be caught" and that prior to that he had been unable to stop. If he wanted to be caught, why would he treat me like I was unreasonable for being upset because he missed the event?

He went to a 12 step program for a few weeks to get help. He claims he never looks anymore, and that he feels like a better man for it. At one point he did tell our counselor that he is afraid that if he ever does it again he will lose our marriage. He is not sure fear is enough to keep him away from it. His own desire to not be sullied by it is what keeps him away, so he says.

He had already committed adultery several years prior and we were in R when I found out the porn lie. One more lie, and our marriage is officially over.

That is what got him to stop.


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## Yeswecan

Cut the cable house and put parental controls on his phone.


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## anonmd

Are you banging him several times a week? Start there.


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## Andy1001

Porn addiction is like any other addiction,alcohol,drugs,gambling etc and the person in question has to accept they have a problem and wants to be free of it.
He needs to get rid of whatever porn he owns and also put controls in place to prevent him downloading more.Put a porn lock on whatever devices he uses,phone,tablet etc and put a password on it that only you know.There are numerous porn blockers available.
He needs to identify what triggers him to watch porn and immediately do another activity to help take his mind off it.He can take up a hobby,maybe go to the gym, you could have sex together,anything that takes his mind of this addiction.
Another thing he could do is buy a phone that doesn’t have internet accessibility.


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## Happykat

anonmd said:


> Are you banging him several times a week? Start there.


i did.

Now i feel like having affair as revenge.


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## Steve2.0

Happykat said:


> i did.
> 
> Now i feel like having affair as revenge.


Well I wouldnt go as far as having an actual affair. Porn can be an easy dopamine dump and quick release for him. (check out the website already listed above for details)

There is a 'nofap' movement someone else mentioned and many high calibre thinkers like Einstein and Tesla refrained from ejaculation at all because they felt it was a life force. There is a reason why men mostly get tired and sleepy after ejaculation and stay 'hungry' without it.

Send the website to your husband to read... When i was into porn it was because I wasnt getting sexual satisfaction from my wife and it was easier than the triathlon i had to scale to get sex from her. Although that has been fixed aswell and i quit porn and having to run through hoops for sex


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## Mr. Nail

Happykat said:


> i did.
> 
> Now i feel like having affair as revenge.


Well that is one way to not have a husband that watches porn. The higher road would be to divorce first.
What I'm trying to say is that if you are thinking this you are already gone, and whatever he does will only win him a half wife.


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## 269370

I always found that the best way to stop a porn addiction is to have a wife who is willing to have sex with you.

Apologies if he already tried this...



Happykat said:


> I'm a wife. I want him to stop. Please pro-porners, save your saliva.😂
> 
> I want to know what kind of responds ...have higher chance of helping or motivate him to stop.
> 
> He wants to stop. I think...thats what he said last time. . anyways, i suspect it is addiction relapse.
> 
> I want to know what kind of respond works better. I already cried and fought (due to hurt). he stopped for awhile but didnt take necessary actions to stop the addiction.
> 
> Now im almost numb ... but still hurt.


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## Daisy12

He needs to be completely transparent. You need access to all his password, phone and a porn blocker needs to be installed on all devices that can connect to the internet. He also needs to get rid of his select stash hiding on computer and other places and I would be hard to believe him if he didn’t have a stash he could asses without internet. 

He of course really needs to want to stop cause if he doesn’t it won’t work.


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## RandomDude

Be sexier than porn!


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## chillymorn69

Duct tape

Over his eyes
On the key board
His penis to leg...use the whole roll.


Just joking.



Tell him hes going to lose his wife because he prefers spanking it to porn instead of making love to his wife....and mean it!


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## Cynthia

Before you realized that your husband was using porn, how often did you have sex with him? Did he seem satisfied or did he mention that you weren't having sex with him often enough? Did he have this issue before he met you?


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## EleGirl

anonmd said:


> Are you banging him several times a week? Start there.


LOL... that makes no difference. A woman can bang her husband 7 days a week. And no it was not boring, vanilla sex.

But if he is also interested in porn, and has too much time on his hands he's going to be seduced to the porn.

Been through that. Lost a husband over this.


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## Cromer

I went 10 years married with no sex. Not going to lie, at one point porn was a release but it wasn't what I wanted and I don't like industry practices. I have a GF who HATES  porn and it was clear right away it's a deal breaker. Porn isn't worth losing her. I love her companionship, our sex life is outstanding, and I see a future together. For my marriage? I got to where I didn't care if the ex knew or not, she didn't want me so it wasn't her business. Not a stitch of porn anywhere around me now and hasn't been for a long time. I had a damn good reason to give it up.


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## arbitrator

*It's simple!

Frequent participatory porn with only your spouse! You are their porn, and they are yours!*


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## EleGirl

Here is a thread that you might find helpful *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages. They list a lot of resources.

Also search on the internet for "your brain on porn" There are videos and websites that can help.


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## EleGirl

You can tell from this thread one of the major problems that women have when the look for help when their husband choses to make their marriage sexless (or near sexless) and perhaps even choses porn over her.

The woman is blamed for her husband doing this. Somehow it's the woman's fault that her husband is not putting his wife and their sex life above porn.


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## EleGirl

arbitrator said:


> *It's simple!
> 
> Frequent participatory porn with only your spouse! You are their porn, and they are yours!*


You are wrong. That's not how a man ends a porn addition.

What she needs to do is read up on the topic, on sites like "your brain on Porn" and then get her husband to go to a sex therapist with her who specializes in ending porn addictions.


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## SpinyNorman

sokillme said:


> Look up "your brain on porn" maybe you can try the logical route.


If you're going to look this up you ought to be aware there are scientific rebuttals. I don't doubt that porn is a problematic habit for some people, but claims that it is an addiction in the way that opiates and cocaine are disputed here.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive


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## RandomDude

Solution:

Print these out and stick them around the house, maybe he'll get the message 










Or this:


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## arbitrator

EleGirl said:


> You are wrong. That's not how a man ends a porn addition.
> 
> What she needs to do is read up on the topic, on sites like "your brain on Porn" and then get her husband to go to a sex therapist with her who specializes in ending porn addictions.


*What I was simply trying to convey is that an inordinate number of spouses spurn sexual relations with their counterpart, not giving a second thought that their actions of denial may be what sends their spouse over the edge into the world of porn, simply as a replacement of some kind!

In my way of looking at it, loving sexual relations between committed spouses would seem to be the key for keeping them remotely away from porn! *


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## Cynthia

EleGirl said:


> You can tell from this thread one of the major problems that women have when the look for help when their husband choses to make their marriage sexless (or near sexless) and perhaps even choses porn over her.
> 
> The woman is blamed for her husband doing this. Somehow it's the woman's fault that her husband is not putting his wife and their sex life above porn.


Apparently this is not always the case, so it's worth asking to explore all the possible issues that are connected to her problems with her husband and porn.


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## Happykat

CynthiaDe said:


> Before you realized that your husband was using porn, how often did you have sex with him? Did he seem satisfied or did he mention that you weren't having sex with him often enough? Did he have this issue before he met you?


3-4 times a week.
I asked feedbacks , he said all if fine.
I tried lapdance or wanting to practice bj on him. he said no thanks.just plain typical sex.

i am not fat. considered average looking. 
i am bz with children and chores to even have time to style my hair.



No apology in the morning before he went off to work.

i'll give him a month.


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## RandomDude

Happykat said:


> 3-4 times a week.
> I asked feedbacks , he said all if fine.
> I tried lapdance or wanting to practice bj on him. he said no thanks.just plain typical sex.
> 
> i am not fat. considered average looking.
> i am bz with children and chores to even have time to style my hair.
> 
> No apology in the morning before he went off to work.
> 
> i'll give him a month.


A month before... you cheat? I do hope your previous post was just a random brain fart - cause I don't blame him for not being able to connect with you if that's your attitude. 

Still, yes, he's fked up. You shouldn't accept a sexless or passionless marriage. Have a hard talk with him, let him know you two either work on the marriage or you're walking.

Sometimes things need to get serious before people take action.


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## Cynthia

Well folks, there you have it. She is not the cause of his porn addiction. Can we move on to helping her resolve her pain?



Happykat said:


> 3-4 times a week.
> I asked feedbacks , he said all if fine.
> I tried lapdance or wanting to practice bj on him. he said no thanks.just plain typical sex.
> 
> i am not fat. considered average looking.
> i am bz with children and chores to even have time to style my hair.
> 
> 
> 
> No apology in the morning before he went off to work.
> 
> i'll give him a month.


Has he been using porn since he was a child?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. The only way you are going to resolve it is if you set boundaries and start to stand up for yourself. The way he is treating you is horrible. You are not obligated to have sex with a husband who is using you as an object. He may seem like a great guy outside of this, but he's really not a great guy if he is treating you badly at all. You do not deserve to be mistreated.


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## Happykat

RandomDude said:


> A month before... you cheat? I do hope your previous post was just a random brain fart - cause I don't blame him for not being able to connect with you if that's your attitude.


...before i pack up and move to my mom's house in another state.



Trust me, last time it happened, i forgave him fast, dressed more sexy and had sex everyday. then it stays about 3 or 4times per week.

I....it WAS me who bend backwards. i kept the house extra clean and tidy, while looking hot. 

But this time i had a new baby, i just cant keep up with his high demands. I have three kids and housechore and i even inniciated sex at least once a week.

im tired. I want him to say sorry for breaking the trust -- 3rd time. And i want HIM to come up with solution.


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## Happykat

Unless someone can come up with a better solution.


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## RandomDude

Happykat said:


> ...before i pack up and move to my mom's house in another state.


Much better.



> Trust me, last time it happened, i forgave him fast, dressed more sexy and had sex everyday. then it stays about 3 or 4times per week.
> 
> I....it WAS me who bend backwards. i kept the house extra clean and tidy, while looking hot.
> 
> But this time i had a new baby, i just cant keep up with his high demands. I have three kids and housechore and i even inniciated sex at least once a week.
> 
> im tired. I want him to say sorry for breaking the trust -- 3rd time. And i want HIM to come up with solution.


Never give away forgiveness for free, let him earn it.

How many times have you already tried? Because if this is like already the 4th time or more, then I wouldn't even encourage trying again.

Let him know you've had enough and he either shapes up or he will lose you in an instant.


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## Cynthia

The thing is, you cannot control or fix his problem. And this is certainly his problem.

What you have done in the past is to reward him for treating your badly. I wrote and article on this that might be helpful. Here's the link: How to Get Your Husband to Treat You Better | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## CatholicDad

You can help. Put a content filter on the computer and YOU keep the password and usage reports.

Get him a flip phone with no internet. He should never have access to the unfiltered internet.

If religious, have him meet with his pastor or priest. The confessional is powerful if Catholic. In my experience, telling your celibate priest "I did it again" is an incredible deterrent for any self respecting man. Plus I think it also heals!

I think all men know in their heart that porn is a shameful lie, beneath us and the beauty of our sexuality. It also literally turns husbands from wives... they don't need them with porn as an option.

God bless you. In my estimation, all men fall into this modern trap. Those that want to, can climb out.


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## CatholicDad

Also, don't believe the lie that you caused this by being a poor lover....no sane man chooses a screen over a flesh and blood woman. Men simply aren't taught, try it out to relieve the madness of manhood, and before they know it are addicts.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Define addiction. I can't really tell if you caught him using porn 3 times (not addiction) or he uses it every day (addiction).


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## CharlieParker

CatholicDad said:


> I think all men know in their heart that porn is a shameful lie, beneath us and the beauty of our sexuality.


I think most, certainly not *all*, men do not generalize about other men, or women, while not being shamed by the beauty of our (non gendered) sexuality.


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## Happykat

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Define addiction. I can't really tell if you caught him using porn 3 times (not addiction) or he uses it every day (addiction).


the last i caught him... it was almost everyday he used porn.

it was when i encouraged him to go have his movie or me time in the living room...while i spent hours trying to put the toddler to sleep. 

Now i think he is starting again..just found out yesterday.

He has too much free time and he is not using it wisely... but uses it for porn.

Thanks guys, i felt better ranting and getting help from you all. ☺ 

and yes, i just realized i rewarded his misbehavior that previous time...


Divorce is my last, further option.. i know it is tougher for single moms, especially stay at home moms... but i rather the kids have a good model-dad or none at all.

Maybe if tonight he doesnt inniciate the conflict resolution or apologize, then i have answer.


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## EleGirl

arbitrator said:


> *What I was simply trying to convey is that an inordinate number of spouses spurn sexual relations with their counterpart, not giving a second thought that their actions of denial may be what sends their spouse over the edge into the world of porn, simply as a replacement of some kind!
> 
> In my way of looking at it, loving sexual relations between committed spouses would seem to be the key for keeping them remotely away from porn! *


Yes it would seem to make sense that good, loving sexual relations would keep a man from using porn to the point that the OP states. But the fact is that there is some subset of men who do not seem to be wired this way.


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## uhtred

People watch porn for different reasons. Some watch because they aren't getting the sex that they want, but that doesn't seem to be the case here. 

Some get addicted and turn their partners down for sex while watching porn. Like many addictions, this is very difficult to cure.


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## EleGirl

Happykat said:


> the last i caught him... it was almost everyday he used porn.
> 
> it was when i encouraged him to go have his movie or me time in the living room...while i spent hours trying to put the toddler to sleep.
> 
> Now i think he is starting again..just found out yesterday.
> 
> He has too much free time and he is not using it wisely... but uses it for porn.
> 
> Thanks guys, i felt better ranting and getting help from you all. *☺ *
> 
> and yes, i just realized i rewarded his misbehavior that previous time...
> 
> 
> Divorce is my last, further option.. i know it is tougher for single moms, especially stay at home moms... but i rather the kids have a good model-dad or none at all.
> 
> Maybe if tonight he doesnt inniciate the conflict resolution or apologize, then i have answer.


Unicode Hex Character Codes are clearly not working here. If you go to advance editing there are some emoticons there that you can chose.


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## CatholicDad

Happykat, I don't think you are treating this like the addiction that it is. Like an alcoholic can't have easy access to booze, your hubby can't have easy access to porn. He will fail over and over until the porn is removed as an option. Hence the advice on internet filtering and no phone. If you want your marriage to flourish, you and he will work together on curing this... just like you would if he were an alcoholic.


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## CatholicDad

He's not a bad guy for getting addicted.... all men have to battle this temptation on a daily basis. It's a battle of staying true to our wives despite our fallen nature that literally has us dying for sex.

I'd point out that male animals will fight to the death for mating rights... that's how primal this need in men is. It's a real battle staying true.


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## WonkyNinja

CatholicDad said:


> You can help. Put a content filter on the computer and YOU keep the password and usage reports.
> 
> Get him a flip phone with no internet. He should never have access to the unfiltered internet.
> 
> If religious, have him meet with his pastor or priest. The confessional is powerful if Catholic. In my experience, telling your *celibate priest* "I did it again" is an incredible deterrent for any self respecting man. Plus I think it also heals!
> 
> I think all men know in their heart that porn is a shameful lie, beneath us and the beauty of our sexuality. It also literally turns husbands from wives... they don't need them with porn as an option.
> 
> God bless you. In my estimation, all men fall into this modern trap. Those that want to, can climb out.


Where would you find one of those? 

It would appear that they are very few and far between, well ones that actually are celibate rather than just saying they are celibate.


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## personofinterest

I feel for you, OP. I am sending you a hug and kind thoughts. I can't really formulate a tacit response right now because I'm so nauseous over all the "Mah porn! Mah porn! You'll pry it from my cold, dead hands!"

Thankfully, there are some honorable men advising you on how to see this for the destructive addiction that it is.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

personofinterest said:


> I feel for you, OP. I am sending you a hug and kind thoughts. I can't really formulate a tacit response right now because I'm so nauseous over all the "Mah porn! Mah porn! You'll pry it from my cold, dead hands!"


Hey, when girls spurned us during our awkward years, the porn never did... Its like a first love, its never easy to get over, and everything that comes after never quite lives up to it.


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## Happykat

CatholicDad said:


> Happykat, I don't think you are treating this like the addiction that it is. Like an alcoholic can't have easy access to booze, your hubby can't have easy access to porn. He will fail over and over until the porn is removed as an option. Hence the advice on internet filtering and no phone. If you want your marriage to flourish, you and he will work together on curing this... just like you would if he were an alcoholic.



Catholicdad,

Thanks for replying to my thread. 😊

I know it is addiction. 

I have tried, since two years ago, making sure sex is at least three times a week. And i was the loving wife even after he had hurt me.

But we didnt come up with a true action plan...so he fell again. So that didn't work. 


Maybe he needs to fall hard, rock bottom, then he would be really motivated to stop -- and hopefully start to be active in finding solutions. 

Trust has to be earned, right? 
So i'm moving that direction.I'm no longer the doormat.


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## RandomDude

Happykat said:


> Trust has to be earned, right?
> So i'm moving that direction.I'm no longer the doormat.


Damn right, and glad you're moving in the right direction.


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## 269370

Cromer said:


> I went 10 years married with no sex. Not going to lie, at one point porn was a release but it wasn't what I wanted and I don't like industry practices. I have a GF who HATES  porn and it was clear right away it's a deal breaker. Porn isn't worth losing her.


If you can't _watch_ porn, MAKE porn!


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## 269370

EleGirl said:


> Yes it would seem to make sense that good, loving sexual relations would keep a man from using porn to the point that the OP states. But the fact is that there is some subset of men who do not seem to be wired this way.


I would say it's the minority (and the OP's husband may be in this minority if he is choosing porn over her - that's not ok). Most men use porn as a masturbatory aid when wife is not available for whatever reason, nothing more.


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## Windwalker

Happykat said:


> Divorce is my last, further option.. i know it is tougher for single moms, especially stay at home moms... but i rather the kids have a good model-dad or none at all.


#1. If he was smart, you wouldn't be a stay at home anything.

#2. Sounds like he will live by your rules or he will be exiled. That's a no brainer on which one I would pick. Hopefully the 2 of you live in a state that see 50/50 custody as the standard.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

You are a SAHM? Geez he will be paying out his nose in divorce! If knowing that doesn't set him straight, nothing will.


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## CatholicDad

Sounds like you met him more than half way. I'd suggest he gives up his electronic devices that are providing him private access. Move his computer into the living room and take his phone away.


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## She'sStillGotIt

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Define addiction. I can't really tell if you caught him using porn 3 times (not addiction) or he uses it every day (addiction).


Well, I know those of us who aren't porn Nazis should save our 'saliva' (how does one _do_ that when they're typing?) but who says he has an addiction? I see lots of armchair diagnosing of him being an 'addict' simply because the OP thinks he's one since he *looks *at porn, yet not once has she actually stated he was diagnosed as an addict by a QUALIFIED medical professional. She's just calling him one and it seems most wives tend to do that because they don't like porn. So anyone looking it at must be an 'addict.' 

So is he an addict OP, or are you calling him one just because you have a problem with him looking at it at ALL and want it to stop?

I'm sure it would go over real well if you make him carry a flip phone with no internet, install Net nanny, and ground him for 2 weeks every time you 'catch' him misbehaving and watching porn. At that point, you're no longer a wife and have simply become his mommy.


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## Happykat

She'sStillGotIt said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Define addiction. I can't really tell if you caught him using porn 3 times (not addiction) or he uses it every day (addiction).
> 
> 
> 
> Well, I know those of us who aren't porn Nazis should save our 'saliva' (how does one _do_ that when they're typing?) but who says he has an addiction? I see lots of armchair diagnosing of him being an 'addict' simply because the OP thinks he's one since he *looks *at porn, yet not once has she actually stated he was diagnosed as an addict by a QUALIFIED medical professional. She's just calling him one and it seems most wives tend to do that because they don't like porn. So anyone looking it at must be an 'addict.'
> 
> So is he an addict OP, or are you calling him one just because you have a problem with him looking at it at ALL and want it to stop?
> 
> I'm sure it would go over real well if you make him carry a flip phone with no internet, install Net nanny, and ground him for 2 weeks every time you 'catch' him misbehaving and watching porn. At that point, you're no longer a wife and have simply become his mommy.
Click to expand...


He is either an addict or he might just don't care how it had hurt me.

He knows it is religion-ly wrong to see immodest women.

He wanted to stop....but couldn't.

Addict or a cheater... either way, it has changed my outlook towards him.

The previous time i caught him, hey, i didnt 'mummy-ied' over him ... there was NO boundaries set at all.

All i did was i changed my way (dressed in tight clothing, inniciated more, learning bj skill, made sure to serve him drinks when he arrived back home...etc) 

So, tell me, why are you annoyed?


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## Happykat

Anyway, thanks for reading and responding randomdude, elegirl, catholicdad and all of you 😊😊 who i didnt mention.

This time, i shall put my needs first. Im hurt and i need distance from a backstabber.


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## CatholicDad

I'm a man and men are wired different than women. He's addicted. It doesn't take a medical diagnosis.

You aren't being asked to "mommy" him, but rather support him in overcoming it. The temptation needs to be removed (I.e. the private access to internet devices).

Despite that the pro-porn people say porn has been around forever, the situation today is different because never before have men been able to click and in 10 seconds have these images/videos from around the world. I think we can expect a generation or two of radically damaged men as a result.

Happykat, I hope you can obtain healing for yourselves.


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## Edo Edo

Happykat said:


> I'm a wife. I want him to stop. Please pro-porners, save your saliva.😂
> 
> I want to know what kind of responds ...have higher chance of helping or motivate him to stop.
> 
> He wants to stop. I think...thats what he said last time. . anyways, i suspect it is addiction relapse.
> 
> I want to know what kind of respond works better. I already cried and fought (due to hurt). he stopped for awhile but didnt take necessary actions to stop the addiction.
> 
> Now im almost numb ... but still hurt.



With all due respect, you are asking the wrong people for help. Why would you ask people who don't like porn how to get someone else to stop it? All you are going to get is some kind of backward, totalitarian (probably religion-based) advice that is only going to cause arguments down the road between you and your husband, because you only want to put a bandaid on the problem instead of solving that actual problem itself. 

Nope. You are not looking for help. You are trying to find out how to get your way in an argument while putting the least amount of effort in yourself. And because you default to look at porn as an addiction and not just a form of entertainment, you will continue to fail in your quest to reduce/eliminate his porn usage. Why? Because he likes porn and HE'S the one you're trying to get to stop...

My first piece of advice to you: Accept the fact that will NEVER give up porn completely for you. Even if you cut EVERY outside method of communication to the outside world. If he has a fetish for something and a memory, he will use his memory of video he once saw online to masturbate. Period. Get over it. You already lost.

My second piece of advice to you: Have a conversation with him in which you LISTEN more than you dictate. You need to determine WHY he watched porn. Leave YOUR morals out of this conversation and instead, find out what excites him. What turns him on? Does he have a special kink? Learn what it is and let him know it's ok to have these urges. 

My third piece of advice: (Assuming he helps around the house with chores and such) You need to keep up with his sex drive. Quantity and quality. Keep it fun. Be willing to explore his kinks/fetishes with him. 


Take the advice or leave it, up to you. Whatever you decide, good luck...


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## UpsideDownWorld11

CatholicDad said:


> I'm a man and men are wired different than women. He's addicted. It doesn't take a medical diagnosis.
> 
> You aren't being asked to "mommy" him, but rather support him in overcoming it. The temptation needs to be removed (I.e. the private access to internet devices).
> 
> Despite that the pro-porn people say porn has been around forever, the situation today is different because never before have men been able to click and in 10 seconds have these images/videos from around the world. I think we can expect a generation or two of radically damaged men as a result.
> 
> Happykat, I hope you can obtain healing for yourselves.


A true addiction is not only led by compulsion but it usually involves serious withdrawal affects. Since, I doubt he is convulsing on the floors if he can't watch porn every few hours, I somehow doubt its an addiction but just a compulsion, which is something far easier for him to have control over stopping (or atleast limiting). 

But say he is a true addict with compulsion and withdrawal, I've never understood how it could be beneficial for someone to shelter another (grown) person from their temptation. You aren't overcoming anything by simply not being able to access it. His wife can't be watching over his shoulder every second of his life. A true addict (which no, we don't know if he is or isn't) will find a way. Maybe he needs a hit (of porn) so bad and since he is on lockdown at home, he may start accessing it at work and next thing you know he gets fired. Now the poor fella is stuck at home all day with a choice to look for a new job (and trying to explain how he got fired to prospective employers) or simply white knuckling one out. As you can see, limiting his access has just worsened the situation. Way to ruin the dude's life! 

To overcome something, you have to want to change through self improvement/personal growth. You can also overcome something by being scared straight, like his wife threatening to divorce him and giving him compulsory alimony payments to go along with his compulsory porn viewing. Avoiding is just stifling temptation and it coming back around in due time. You have to be able to walk into an empty room with a computer and wifi and resist because you know its in your (and your family's) best interest.

OP: Why don't you talk with your husband and ask why he needs it when he can have sex with a real person? What makes the guy tick? Most men don't have desire for porn once they have sex. Maybe get him talking about it and you can figure out what turns him on and work it out in the bedroom. If he just tells you straight up he wants porn over you and it isn't going to change, then you have to make some decisions.


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## Edo Edo

EleGirl said:


> Yes it would seem to make sense that good, loving sexual relations would keep a man from using porn to the point that the OP states. But the fact is that there is some subset of men who do not seem to be wired this way.



Very true. And if the husband was turning down the OP for sex, I would agree that it might be the case of him being wired wrong or being selfish. That is not the impression I'm getting out of this situation though. The real issue here seems to be the husband's sex drive and moral compass are not aligned with the OP's sex drive and moral compass. Hence the difficult and completely mismatched situation. But until and unless the husband feels comfortable enough to speak with OP as to why he likes to view porn (without feeling judged) this problem will never really be resolved...


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## CatholicDad

Happykat, based on other responses I should add that my advice assumes hubby is sorrowful and his intellect understands that his porn use is shameful and damaging to his marriage.
If he doesn't, I'm quite sure you can't force the remedy on him.

Studying his kinks, fetishes in his fantasy, porn world.... not helpful. He needs to heal from the fantasy, not go deeper.


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## CatholicDad

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm a man and men are wired different than women. He's addicted. It doesn't take a medical diagnosis.
> 
> You aren't being asked to "mommy" him, but rather support him in overcoming it. The temptation needs to be removed (I.e. the private access to internet devices).
> 
> Despite that the pro-porn people say porn has been around forever, the situation today is different because never before have men been able to click and in 10 seconds have these images/videos from around the world. I think we can expect a generation or two of radically damaged men as a result.
> 
> Happykat, I hope you can obtain healing for yourselves.
> 
> 
> 
> A true addiction is not only led by compulsion but it usually involves serious withdrawal affects. Since, I doubt he is convulsing on the floors if he can't watch porn every few hours, I somehow doubt its an addiction but just a compulsion, which is something far easier for him to have control over stopping (or atleast limiting).
> 
> But say he is a true addict with compulsion and withdrawal, I've never understood how it could be beneficial for someone to shelter another (grown) person from their temptation. You aren't overcoming anything by simply not being able to access it. His wife can't be watching over his shoulder every second of his life. A true addict (which no, we don't know if he is or isn't) will find a way. Maybe he needs a hit (of porn) so bad and since he is on lockdown at home, he may start accessing it at work and next thing you know he gets fired. Now the poor fella is stuck at home all day with a choice to look for a new job (and trying to explain how he got fired to prospective employers) or simply white knuckling one out. As you can see, limiting his access has just worsened the situation. Way to ruin the dude's life!
> 
> To overcome something, you have to want to change through self improvement/personal growth. You can also overcome something by being scared straight, like his wife threatening to divorce him and giving him compulsory alimony payments to go along with his compulsory porn viewing. Avoiding is just stifling temptation and it coming back around in due time. You have to be able to walk into an empty room with a computer and wifi and resist because you know its in your (and your family's) best interest.
> 
> OP: Why don't you talk with your husband and ask why he needs it when he can have sex with a real person? What makes the guy tick? Most men don't have desire for porn once they have sex. Maybe get him talking about it and you can figure out what turns him on and work it out in the bedroom. If he just tells you straight up he wants porn over you and it isn't going to change, then you have to make some decisions.
Click to expand...

If he is remorseful and loves his wife, he will cooperate and accept "treatment". It has to be that he wants to be a better man.

Anyone can be a porn loving fool... better men save their sex for their wives out of love and respect for them- and perhaps in recognition of the great gift it is from our creator. It's also how people get created- so it deserves our highest level of care and respect.


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## Talker67

get a piggy bank. Every time you go to a porn site, put $5 in the bank. At the end of the month empty the bank, and contribute it all to your favorite charity.

If that does not work, Up the donation to $20 per event.

EVENTUALLY, you will realize the benefits of reading a good book.


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## Happilyunhappilymarried

Hi there,

I guess you should start watching porn together and discuss the scenes and other activities happening on screen. Soon he will not have the need to watch it since he will have this mind differentiating between reality and onscreen sex. He would soon after switch to nudity i.e following sexy hot chicks on insta or other social media. But its better than inverting time in porn.


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## RClawson

Happykat,

I have been leading a 12 step group with my wife for 2 years. I have been richly rewarded being involved and having a deeper understanding of addiction and how powerful it is. Consider the following:

"Some people consider addictions to be simply bad habits that can be conquered by willpower alone, but many people become so dependent on a behavior or a substance that they no longer see how to abstain from it. They lose perspective and a sense of other priorities in their lives. Nothing matters more than satisfying their desperate need. When they try to abstain, they experience powerful physical, psychological, and emotional cravings. As they habitually make wrong choices, they find their ability to choose the right diminished or restricted"

This is obviously your husband. You need to tell him flat out "Your addiction has completely compromised your will. Are you truly willing to lose your family over your addiction?

My niece married a good man but this activity came between them. Shed warned him a couple of times she would leave if he could not change. He thought he could hide it but she was so in tune with his behavior that he could not and now they are divorced and it is tragic. I love them both and still have a very good relationship with him. He thought she would never divorce him but it is what woke him up. He would lose his family and his job before he committed to a program that would ultimately help him overcome his addiction. 

He has remarried and he is a better man and father. The fact that your husband quit the 12 step meetings is telling. He cannot handle the truth he is hearing and he is not willing to face it on a weekly basis. One of your conditions must be he goes back and does not quit until it has impacted his life for the better. This means he seeks your forgiveness as well as your children and any others he has hurt with his practice. You will know he is better when he becomes an advocate for recovery and recognizes truly how damaging this has been to his family and can be to anyone else. 

You also need to find a meeting to attend (does not have to be Sex addict related) so you can understand what he is facing and what he truly needs to be doing in order to be making changes. 

I am sorry but anything less than this you are both just kidding yourselves. I wish nothing but the best for your family.


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## arbitrator

Happykat said:


> 3-4 times a week.
> I asked feedbacks , he said all if fine.
> I tried lapdance or wanting to practice bj on him. he said no thanks.just plain typical sex.
> 
> i am not fat. considered average looking.
> i am bz with children and chores to even have time to style my hair.
> 
> 
> 
> No apology in the morning before he went off to work.
> 
> i'll give him a month.


*You poor thing! 

Your continued perseverance, @Happykat ~ is every rational husband's dream!

I totally admire you and sympathize with your plight!*


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