# Hello all, I Believe the end is near.



## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

Hi all, great site, I've been lurking a bit and figure I would throw my hat in the ring. 

Me: 34yo Male, Military. Married for 12yrs, 2 kids 17 and 7.

Her:33yo female, Works 2 part time jobs.

We got married when I was 21 because we were dating for a while (she already had a 2 yo daughter). After graduation from Boot camp we got hitched because I was moving and neither of us wanted to be alone.

I adopted her daughter when she was 6yo and I consider her MY daughter at this point.

There was infidelity on both sides early on in the relationship. 

We had a daughter in 2004.

We moved around a bit in my career so far and have had some fun. I feel for the past 5-6 years I lost interest in her. I love her but dont like her sort of thing. She never wants to do anything with me, wouldn't go to a freinds house to watch the ball drop this past NYE, would't play catch with the football with me and our daughter and my dad on thanksgiving. OUR really close friend had a son and they named me the godfather but she wouldn't drive down with me and the girls to visit and go to the baptism. She's always trying to lose weight so I offer to train her (I'm an amatuer bodybuilder) or at the very least invite her to the gym with me so we can do some cardio together (in an effect to do anything with her). She does not listen to my advice on healthy eating etc so I have basicaly lost that physical attraction to her.

I come home to usually find her on FB or the computer in general. She has two little dogs that go to bathroom in the house (not all the time but still). She does'nt walk them, they just climb all over her like some sort of creepy dog lady!

For the longest time we have actually somewhat kiddingly even said to each other that if we seperate we would make sure that its very civil (we're exposed to alot of divorce in the military). We seperated briefly this past halloween and I told her I wanted to come back home and give it one last shot. So far we have been civil but the passion and romance is just gone, we are best friends for sure but not lovers.

Most of the time she sleeps with my youngest (because she falls asleep in her bed while putting her to sleep). I sleep alone ALOT. Since I came home around Halloween we have had sex twice!

We have done marriage counseling in the past with minimal positive effects. Basically we just leasrned to coexist better with one another.

I have done counseling myself just to talk about my thoughts and feelings. And Yes I communicate everythign with my wife. She however is NOT a good communicator at all and she knows it.

All my freinds support me but they know I'm unhappy and honestly because my wife never wants to do anything with me and the other couples I think they think she's just too snobby.

She acts like anything less than 9-5 andn then home with the kids 24-7 is a bad thing meanwhile the marriage is garbage because she insists on not living! Hell I would be happy if she would at least go on a amusment park ride with me when we go. But NOPE none of them EVER!

Being in the military I have already transfered my GI bill to my children so they will be going to college no problem. I tought my oldest how to drive and when she got her license i bought her a jeep. If we divirose my kids health insurance is still covered under my poicy so they're good there my only concern is the effect it will have on my younger daughter, she's my baby and it kills me to think of life without her but I know I can see her every weekend if i wanted sooo. 

I will pay her car payment, kids insurance, Life ins policy's, child support and whatever else I have to. I never wanted it to come to divorce but I am so unhappy that it affects my day to day life and I think I need to move on. I guess I failled the marriage but I will not fail as a dad and I want to do the right thing by them regardless.

Any insight into my sittuation.

For the record: Fitness is my life so I enjoy working out alot and doing things outdoors. I'm not into the bar hopping scene at all, I dont smoke and rarely drink. I just dont want anyone to think I just want to go out and party all the time. ( I'm just adding that because again, as a military member we've seen alot of marriages end for various reasons and usually to just go out and party is one of them)


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Why would you only see your daughter on the weekends? You are her father and are entitled to 50% parenting time. You have rights but you have to assert them in court. Her rights are assumed. I am also active duty military and I have custody of my kids. She will get temp custody when I deploy but that's it. Also, why not try counseling instead of divorce?


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## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Why would you only see your daughter on the weekends? You are her father and are entitled to 50% parenting time. You have rights but you have to assert them in court. Her rights are assumed. I am also active duty military and I have custody of my kids. She will get temp custody when I deploy but that's it. Also, why not try counseling instead of divorce?


I realize I can see them more, I was just generalizing that I WILL see them. We did the counseling thing and it just didn't produce any results. She has openly said that she's not willing to change anything and is proud that she hasn't changed since we met. My argument to that is "why do you feel that's a good thing?" I personnaly feel that change is good. We have to make sacrifices dont we? try new things? I am bored out of my mind and if she's not willing to try new things then what am I doing?

I guess I'm really just looking for justification of my thought process. I love her dearly but it's more like a sister now than anything else.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You already know what you have to do and how to do it. The only thing left is when to do it and that's all up to you now.


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## tmh (Jan 17, 2012)

I feel bad for you. Even in words I can feel the love and respect you have for this woman. I would give my right leg to have half that much. 

But...there does come a time when you have to do what you have to do, even though it's hard. Move on, be happy. Life is so short, and you really need to be happy for yourself.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sounds like you have done all you can to make your marriage work. Your wife will wake up one day and realise what a fool she has been. I wouldn't be surprised if it's the day you tell her it's over. But it maybe to late then.
Good luck to you x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

First of all, I am so sorry for your pain. I can see the similarities between your marriage and mine. The whole best friends vs lovers thing. (You can see my posts if you'd like). I also feel similar in the sense that I took on my husband's daughter, in the sense that she is my stepdaughter and I love her more than anything in the world, and would do anything for her - but she is not my blood. You adopted her daughter, then had one of your own. It must be so hard to walk away, because I am having trouble doing so myself, and I don't even have a child of my own with my husband yet, (and we've been married for almost 6 years), nor did I adopt his daughter. I just want you to know that I can relate. 

You sound like a great guy who deserves a great loving woman. One who not only loves your children, but has a passion for you as well. I would first suggest the whole marriage counseling option, being completely honest about the passion you are desiring, and try to rekindle it, etc - but if all of that fails, I think you should move on. 

I have been contemplating the same exact thing (obviously - I'm in this section) but I haven't tried MC yet. Going to try that first, but honestly don't have that much hope for it. We'll see. I really hope things get better for you, whether fixing the problems with your wife, or moving on. 

If you do decide to move on you are obviously in the right direction by making the decision to be a great father. I STRONGLY recommend seeking joint custody immediately though, if you do decide to end the relationship. Just know that if you can't take the girls right away (because of your job or something), you should still seek joint LEGAL custody, then when you can take them more, seek joint PHYSICAL custody. However, if you can take them both right away, I would immediately seek both. Make sure to spend extra time with your girls, and let them know how much you love them. You never know how their mom is going to handle the situation, and you want to make sure they get extra love from you. 

I think you are going to be just fine, and it does sound as though you already know what to do, and just need to figure out when to do it (as the previous poster said). :iagree: 

Best of luck to you. God bless.


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

PS: If you would like to read my post(s) and let me know what you think, I wouldn't hate you for it  Hehehe.


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## Sick2003svtcobra (Jan 11, 2012)

Sorry havent been back on here in a day or so. Thank you very much for your advise. It is sooooo hard to initiate this decision! Last night we finally had a heart to heart discussion about our past, all the years we are have spent together etc. I asked her if she felt we were still together for the right reasons? I asked her if she could dig deep down and objectivly say that everything has been good! She couldn't do it. She cried a bit which made me cry a bit, In the middle of that she asked what she would do with the girls and where she would go? She has no savings saved up and only works 2 part time jobs so getting an apartment would be difficult. I was somewhat shocked that she started to reason with the idea of D so easily or so quickly. At that point I just told her that I would take care of her and the girls as long as i can until she gets sittuated. THEN she asked me if this is what i want? I responded with "of course not but i just cannot honestly see it getting better and that maybe I would be a better man/friend in her life and a better father to the girls. We didn't talk after that because it was like 2:30 am. We both fell asleep (yes in the same bed). Woke up this morning, we did our usual routine yada yada yada. At lunch I asked her where we were at she said we should probably just talk more tonight. And then she lets me know that she just got layed off at one of her jobs, instant face palm!

I'mhereforadvice I'll check your posts as well


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