# Holidays and family and guilt



## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

I really need an outside opinion here...

Backstory with the fam.
I'm 28. 23 year old sister is borderline - has a 3 year old. He is the best thing is the world but she is not the sister I knew growing up and is constantly hurting me, herself, and anyone else around her; constant agitation, and attitude, and no respect for anyone. She lives with my parents.
Parents work around her as to not "upset" her. Give her money, cars, free rent, etc but then they complain to me about all they do for her and how she doesn't appreciate it, is unstable, etc. I am done tiptoeing around her because I've been hurt 100 times too many but my lack of caring for her situation makes me a b*tch and I've been told that by them. Parents lived with us a couple years ago and really seemed to latch onto our lives. Calling our friends to hang out, coming over now when we have people over, there are so many things I cannot list... THEN Dad is making huge life choices without my moms opinion/approval in the matter and she crys to me on the phone and has even *mentioned* wanting to move in with us maybe if he doesn't take her opinion into account. So I don't want to be around them right now - regardless of it being the holidays or not.

My husband and I always get to make the sacrifices because if I don't nothing would work. I've gone to my parents at 5am before so I could make them all happy and see everyone open gifts together as a family... We're the ones who get to run back and forth and back home because our dogs need to be let out. One Christmas we counted 12 trips in the car to make everyone happy. And because we don't have kids yet it seems like they don't think twice before making their demands. 

I don't want to anymore. But at the same time I feel SUPER guilty about it and they are making me feel worse by the day. I feel like if I give in and decide to go over to my parents they will see their guilt worked and do it the next time I disagree on holiday plans. I don't want to hurt them but I also don't want to keep doing whats making me unhappy. Anyone else? Am I being selfish? My husband says its time for us (we're having our own issues right now and wonder how much of our stuff is tied into these problems) and I agree but I have this guilty voice in the back of my head saying its your family and you should see them on thanksgiving even if they make you sad and miserable because that's what people do - but is that what people REALLY do???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know exactly how you feel. My family dynamic is complex because there are six kids, but one of my sister's is nuts- literally. everyone has had to accommodate her and placate her because the truth makes her really angry. I used to accommodate her, too. a couple of years ago i stopped doing that. I started telling her the truth. She did something one night that really upset me and I let her know it. then earlier this year she attacked my mom and I told her she was out of control and i havent talked to her since. 

i have another sister that thinks i should always go to her place for the holidays. i have gone to her place for ten years, and not just for xmas. ive gone for her kids birthdays, and just to visit. she has never once visited me. she calls me all the time and says how much the kids miss me. But this last year i got sick of the guilt trip and i told her she knows where i live and is welcome to visit anytime. im not going to her again. if she doesnt visit me that's the way it goes. 

at some point i think you have to put your foot down and decide enough is enough. you do risk losing some relationships but i dont regret my actions at all.


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