# Never a happy ending



## Youngsoul (Apr 7, 2018)

Hello finally posting because I'm tired of googling looking for answers to my relationship problems. My husband and I have been together for about 18 years now and sex has always been a struggle for us. I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, at times I don't orgasm and never mention it sometimes I'm fine with it and other times I'm left frustrated. Now as for him he hasn't been able to last for more than a few minutes at a time lately. So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Youngsoul said:


> I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, at times I don't orgasm


I don't know what specific drugs you take.

You might ask your doctor if you could switch to Wellbutrin (bupropion). It is a drug which offers help with anxiety and has very low incidence of sexual side effects.

Drugs from the SSRI class have about a 60% occurrence ratio of associated sexual dysfunction. They are popularly prescribed for anxiety.



Youngsoul said:


> I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


Wow. What a selfish nincompoop !! I've had a problem being "quick" many times during my marital life. I always left our marriage bed feeling good about myself if I brought my wife pleasure by various other methods. I would far rather leave with no orgasm of my own than to fail to provide hers.

One thing I might suggest is "outercourse" - where the man does not intromit his wife, but rather places his penis in the upper "groove" of her vulva, providing direct stimulation to her clitoris. He gets stimulation during the whole experience, which is less than if he were performing conventional PIV, and his wife gets more stimulation toward orgasm the whole time.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Youngsoul said:


> Hello finally posting because I'm tired of googling looking for answers to my relationship problems. My husband and I have been together for about 18 years now and sex has always been a struggle for us. I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, at times I don't orgasm and never mention it sometimes I'm fine with it and other times I'm left frustrated. Now as for him he hasn't been able to last for more than a few minutes at a time lately. So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


*I'd say that he needs to immediately consult with a good urologist and try to get some kind of help with his premature ejaculation!*


----------



## Youngsoul (Apr 7, 2018)

I've tried multiple different medications and lexapro is the only one that helps at all. Our past is rather long we had a child when I was still in highscool and I'm now 36 and he's 39 its been a rough road, he cheated about 10 years ago but I never knew until about 3-4 years after he cheated. His reasoning was I wasn't emotionally or physically available and it's true I wasn't that's when panic attacks hit me and I was young maybe 23 or so and didn't know what was happening to me and the trial and error of finding lexapro was a horrible one but I made it shortly almost committing suicide because the attacks were happening constantly that I'd rather die than live another moment in panic.. He has a really good way of placing blame on me and now his latest comment left me not knowing what to do


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Youngsoul said:


> So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


Tell him you'll give him a full 1/2 hour of intercourse if he can learn to have sex like a man.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Tell him you'll give him a full 1/2 hour of intercourse if he can learn to have sex like a man.


I think he was hinting at some reciprocating in the oral .


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sounds like it is on him. He has the problem if he can’t last longer then three mins.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Youngsoul said:


> I've tried multiple different medications and lexapro is the only one that helps at all. Our past is rather long we had a child when I was still in highscool and I'm now 36 and he's 39 its been a rough road, he cheated about 10 years ago but I never knew until about 3-4 years after he cheated. His reasoning was I wasn't emotionally or physically available and it's true I wasn't that's when panic attacks hit me and I was young maybe 23 or so and didn't know what was happening to me and the trial and error of finding lexapro was a horrible one but I made it shortly almost committing suicide because the attacks were happening constantly that I'd rather die than live another moment in panic.. He has a really good way of placing blame on me and now his latest comment left me not knowing what to do


Sorry but your husband sounds like a real **** head. 

Instead of being there for you he has a affair. 

Now that he is a premature he is blaming it on you. You need to think about this, you deserve better.


----------



## Youngsoul (Apr 7, 2018)

I just remembered that he also added that having to perform oral on me (every time and for a long period of time) gets him too excited and that's part of his problem


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your husband is a very selfish lover. He has also cheated on you, doesn't sound like someone you should spend much time on. Perhaps you should remind him of this fact. 
You have to stand up for yourself. Maybe give him some of his own medicine. Tell him that he is not very good at pleasuring you and if he can only last 3 minutes obviously he is the one with the problem. Do not let him away with placing blame at your door, it is all on him.

I would be kicking him to the door. If you don't want to, I would suggest some sex therapy.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Maxwedge 
Tell him you'll give him a full 1/2 hour of intercourse if he can learn to have sex like a man.*

Max, that comment would make the Youngsoul's situation worse.

* Youngsou
I just remembered that he also added that having to perform oral on me (every time and for a long period of time) gets him too excited and that's part of his problem. *

It probably does. Some men get strong erections performing oral or manual sex on on a woman and some go limp because it can be work to some men. Some guys do it because they want their W to have pleasure, not because they like it or it excites them all that much. To some guys, it is better than PIV sex. People vary in what they like or don't like so work with what is. It will be better in the long run.

People like what they like and for some like you, getting there is just how things are. Being critical doesn't usually increase sex drive, it usually makes things worse.

What is positive about your or your H's sexuality? Explore that area. What do you need more of? What does he need more of to feel better. Him not lasting long could be worked on with some understanding and maybe some outside help from a book or sex therapist.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Pleasing ones partner should never be "work" as long as they are happy to do the same for you. Its not a matter of counting minutes.

Separately you should see if you can get onto other antidepressants that don't have such serious side effects.




Youngsoul said:


> Hello finally posting because I'm tired of googling looking for answers to my relationship problems. My husband and I have been together for about 18 years now and sex has always been a struggle for us. I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, at times I don't orgasm and never mention it sometimes I'm fine with it and other times I'm left frustrated. Now as for him he hasn't been able to last for more than a few minutes at a time lately. So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Youngsoul said:


> I just remembered that he also added that having to perform oral on me (every time and for a long period of time) gets him too excited and that's part of his problem


Still his problem.

15 mins is not a long period of time for oral. 

I am not saying my wife and I have marathon sessions. My wife has from day one started to hurt/soreness after 30 to 40 mins. So we stay within that time line to keep her from feeling discomfort. 

Also I would say it’s normal for most guys to go quickly the first time. But that should change over time. It was a couple of weeks for me. 

Have him go see his doctor or you can find some info on the internet to help with his issue. 

His being unsupportive of you is a different issue. I still believe he is a selfish self centered **** head.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

There are other ways to please someone than oral. Has he tried a vibrator on you? A vibrating dildo? Fingers? I personally like a we-vibe. My husband can give me a few minutes head start and then I usually orgasm during PIV rather shortly. I often times give him oral during the few minutes. Conversely. I can take a long time to orgasm orally sometimes not at all.

He is also not helping. My hubby has never said anything like that but I already worry I take too long which when I think about it during just makes it take longer. try focusing on the sensations and flexing your kagel muscles. Have you tried Luna or Ben-wa balls in you during oral? That helps me.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Youngsoul said:


> Hello finally posting because I'm tired of googling looking for answers to my relationship problems. My husband and I have been together for about 18 years now and sex has always been a struggle for us. I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, at times I don't orgasm and never mention it sometimes I'm fine with it and other times I'm left frustrated. Now as for him he hasn't been able to last for more than a few minutes at a time lately. So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


So Mr. One-Pump-Chump is blaming YOU for his inadequacies in bed? 

The fact that he has the control of a 15 year old teenage boy isn't your fault. Maybe he needs to see a doctor for his problem.

He sounds like a damned fool, whining about the 'work' he has to put into you and then whining because *he* can't control himself. What a tool.


----------



## Youngsoul (Apr 7, 2018)

I want to be understanding and rational but the other frustrated and fed up half of me wants to say the meanest things that pretty much most of you replied with my exact thoughts on the issue....


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Youngsoul said:


> I want to be understanding and rational but the other frustrated and fed up half of me wants to say the meanest things that pretty much most of you replied with my exact thoughts on the issue....


You should tell him that his comment was assish and stupid. It paints him in a very selfish light. I can't stand men who sulk, it's childish. (Women too)

I consider the whole package of love making as sex. To me it's not just PIV. Giving and receiving oral is sex to me. Using toys and hand jobs....sex to me. 

I am one of those women who takes forever to have an O. I rarely get an O with PIV, I would have to be on top or we would have to use a toy. So, it's mostly citorial stimulation. If my H ever told me that because he spent so much time on me that's why he came so fast. He would be very sorry the next instance. My H is on top of the moon when I have an O, my pleasure gives him pleasure. That's how it works. 

Only a selfish ass would complain about the amount of time he spends on you.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> My H is on top of the moon when I have an O, my pleasure gives him pleasure. That's how it works.


Amen. That's how it is, that's how it has been with all 3 of my wives, and 2 of my GFs. I had a 3rd GF who never had an O despite anything I did. We broke up and it disintegrated my heart, she was a wonderful sweet girl and I loved her totally. I would have done whatever I had to do, gone wherever, consulted whoever, bought anything....I would have spent my life trying to give her one and I would have never referred to it as "work" or in any other derisive way.



brooklynAnn said:


> I want to be understanding and rational but the other frustrated and fed up half of me wants to say the meanest things that pretty much most of you replied with my exact thoughts on the issue....


I'm in agreement with your thoughts which are echoed here by others. I also admire you for not saying these things. You are indeed understanding and rational in your choices. Saying them will only hurt and lead you farther off from your goal.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Youngsoul said:


> ....My husband and I have been together for about 18 years now and *sex has always been a struggle for us.* I take antidepressants for anxiety and have a hard time reaching orgasm, *at times I don't orgasm and never mention it sometimes I'm fine with it *and *other times I'm left frustrated.* Now as for him he hasn't been able to last for more than a few minutes at a time lately. So today we start with him pleasing me for 15 minutes I orgasm and he penetrated me and lasted for 3 minutes tops I thought we were ok until afterwards *he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... *I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.





Youngsoul said:


> I just remembered that he also added that having to perform oral on me (every time and for a long period of time) *gets him too excited and that's part of his problem*





Youngsoul said:


> I want to be understanding and rational b*ut the other frustrated and fed up half of me wants to say the meanest things *that pretty much most of you replied with my exact thoughts on the issue....


My advice is to figure out hot to let go of your anger and frustration with your H, as that is only going to destroy your marriage. If sex has always been a struggle, I wager the two of you have a hard time talking about sex with each other.

Next piece of advice is that when you talk to your H, you need to listen to him and even if you think the reason is silly, it may be his reality. If he says to you that arousing you get's him very excited, believe him until his actions prove otherwise. Relive that conversation as ask him to try something else different next time. Ask if you can pleasure him first, then actively cuddle (aka after care while his brain is clouded with oxytocin so he emotionally bonds with you), then have him arouse you and see if you can't get him stimulated enough for "round 2" and your pleasuring.

But above all, talk to him about this as opposed to sweeping it away. Tell him you love him and you want him to not view sex with you as a half-empty glass. You want him to view sex with you as satisfying and you want to learn what you can do to make it that way. Also tell him that some of the words he said have hurt, but you forgive him and love him and want to improve things.


Good luck.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

RE: Arousal creating uncontrollable excitement

This is pretty normal, especially for a guy who cares about his partner. It's only natural that her pleasure would get him more wound up. 

There is a rather easy solution. 

If he knows he's getting too wound up by the foreplay, he can either make sure he satisfies her before moving to penetration or gets her so close that she has a good chance of finishing when/before he does even if he won't last long. 

Of course, this takes good communication before and even during the act. 

The other effective way to address this is for him to ejaculate sometime shortly before the event begins to temper his reaction during. Timing is important--too soon and the effect will be lost, and too late and he won't respond at all. This takes practice and patience on the part of both parties.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Youngsoul said:


> I want to be understanding and rational but the other frustrated and fed up half of me wants to say the meanest things that pretty much most of you replied with my exact thoughts on the issue....


If his behavior was reasonable and rational then you should be there for him. 

But he is being a real ****head about this.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

One thing I can think of is that if the pattern of he goes down on you, then there is penetrative sex is not working, try changing the pattern. Kissy, rubby some fingers and hands. You go down on him. Throw in some 69, maybe a toy... Not to discard any of the other suggestions. Just something to think about.


----------



## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

Youngsoul said:


> ...afterwards he tells me it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure... I'm heartbroken and don't know how to react when I'm obviously crushed.


How did he say it originally "it sucks to have to do 15 min of work and he gets a measly 3 min of pleasure" - did he say it as though he's blaming you? To me it sounds more like he was upset about his problem, while accepting that yes its his problem, he just wants some empathy. Perhaps he could've said it better. 

Just suggesting, only you know how exactly he said it!


----------

