# Marriage requires ongoing romance and pursuit to maintain or forget it



## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Marriage requires ongoing romance and pursuit to maintain the warm inner glow. Marriage is exactly like tending to a fire. No tending a fire it goes out. It might go out any way but without romance and pursuit it definitely will.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

That's true although easier said than done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Incorrect.... look at your parents if they stayed married.

It just the need to be entertained generation.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Incorrect.... look at your parents if they stayed married.
> 
> It just the need to be entertained generation.


That's just a convenient excuse. Just because one's parents are married, doesn't mean they are happy. Just because one's parents are divorced doesn't mean they didn't try to make their marriage work. Sometimes people don't marry the right person or they rush into things before knowing each other or being old enough to know themselves. There is no one particular easy answer as to why some marriages fail and others don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> That's just a convenient excuse. Just because one's parents are married, doesn't mean they are happy. Just because one's parents are divorced doesn't mean they didn't try to make their marriage work. Sometimes people don't marry the right person or they rush into things before knowing each other or being old enough to know themselves. There is no one particular easy answer as to why some marriages fail and others don't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't believe marriage needs a ongoing pursuit and romance....people are too busy for that. What it does need is love and ideally sex. Now sporadic pursuit and romance I can support. My parents were happy with sporadic romantic gestures.

Marriage is not constant dating. OPs statement is false.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't believe marriage needs a ongoing pursuit and romance....people are too busy for that. What it does need is love and ideally sex. Now sporadic pursuit and romance I can support. My parents were happy with sporadic romantic gestures.
> 
> Marriage is not constant dating. OPs statement is false.


No, that's what you need and that's fine if it works for you and your spouse. If it doesn't work for your spouse you'll either end up divorced or with an unhappy spouse. Either find someone that feels as you do or be prepared to compromise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't believe marriage needs a ongoing pursuit and romance....people are too busy for that. What it does need is love and ideally sex. Now sporadic pursuit and romance I can support. My parents were happy with sporadic romantic gestures.
> 
> Marriage is not constant dating. OPs statement is false.


 I agree, a marriage does not have to be constant "dating"... but I can attest... when I allowed our kids to become the center of our lives (had 5 within 9 yrs at one point)... not really thinking all that much of dear ol' Dad...didn't want to waste the $$ on a babysitter.. that even though we were still happy - felt we had it all... yet...

When my Aunt offered to watch the kids a couple times a month... I remember this thought coming over me (because we took the kids EVERYWHERE with us)......"OMG, what do we even talk about ?"........we both were LIVING for our children... putting them 1st...and missing the EXCITEMENT of each other.... Now that should have been like a WAKE UP CALL to me somehow....but we just kept going... 

Now that we have REvived the *Romance*







... Oh WOW...this has been such a Joy....I feel like we have missed too much of each other, we were married for 19 long yrs before we took a PERSONAL "*JUST US*" romantic vacation.... We felt like we were young Lovers again... Been doing this every year since...

So a little rekindled Romance is a beautiful thing... but I know from doing 2 threads on this topic....with Tests... that NOT all people are Romantic.. .they could care less... might even be as interesting as taking an enema. 

I wouldn't want to be married to one of those.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Oh boy,
This is a tricky one....

I can see both viewpoints. Generally speaking ,marriage indeed needs ongoing romance and attention.
But the reality of life today is that in the pursuit of a decent standard of living for any family with kids, lots of sacrifices are made by the married couple.
With both parents working full time, kids to be educated, mortgage/ rent to be paid,the level of romance and attention that existed before marriage is hard to maintain.
When kids arrive, even the sexual dynamic in the house between the couple , changes.
So , while most married couples may not be able to keep the romantic fires constantly burning as before , I think its a great ideal to strive for.

When the romantic fires burn brightest, enjoy it to the fullest.
When the romantic fires burn dimmest, remember the good times , and let that memory keep you until it burns hot again.

There will always be highs and lows.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I think what the OP is saying is that there must be some desire to win the other partner's love, some degree of respect for the other partner as an awesome person not to be taken for granted. Without some degree of romance and pursuit, you have nothing more than a long-term roommate relationship.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't believe marriage needs a ongoing pursuit and romance....people are too busy for that. What it does need is love and ideally sex. Now sporadic pursuit and romance I can support. My parents were happy with sporadic romantic gestures.
> 
> Marriage is not constant dating. OPs statement is false.


I disagree completely a d see that as extremely lazy. 
Why do you get to have sex if you can't be bothered regularly putting in the effort to make your marriage great.
Sounds like you expect your needs to be met (sex) but don't want to have to bother with the rest.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think the choice of words were off putting for me. Say the words 'romance' combined with 'pursuit' and suddenly I'm tired. And in 'require' and I'm out. I'm done chasing my husband and he's already got me. 

I love my husband and want to make mad passionate love to him often but we do have 3 kids, his career, a house, responsibilities, money issues, ebbs and flows. In short life.

But at the end of the day we love each other and are best friends. This has gotten us through 21 years of marriage. Not all of them good but we're committed to each other and that counts for a lot.

We do flirt, are playful, go on dates the works but that is NOT what most made us successful.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> I think what the OP is saying is that there must be some desire to win the other partner's love, some degree of respect for the other partner as an awesome person not to be taken for granted. Without some degree of romance and pursuit, you have nothing more than a long-term roommate relationship.


:iagree:
Yup!
That's what I was trying to say!


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Everyone is different. Some folks don't need quality time, some folks don't need acts of service. 

In my marriage we need quality time and date nights. I like gifts. Those things make me feel loved. I don't need the full scale 1-10 everyday but a few times a week certain things. 

I don't feel I'm the need to be entertained anything but I need to feel loved.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I disagree completely a d see that as extremely lazy.
> Why do you get to have sex if you can't be bothered regularly putting in the effort to make your marriage great.
> Sounds like you expect your needs to be met (sex) but don't want to have to bother with the rest.


Absolutely not... I do romance my wife just not constantly. I probably go further than most men to make her feel special as a wife. The deal is though romance can only go so far. And yes I do expect sex in return just for being married and there lies my issue and why I grace the pages of TAM sporadically.

Marriage and sex go hand in hand.

My marriage will last regardless because there is love....just not regular sex.
You sort of feel the fool to do constant romancing and not get any..its a two way street.
Been there done that.... her turn.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

I disagree. Constantly needing some kind of forced romance to keep a marriage happy sounds laborious and more like a chore than anything else.

Yes, a romantic evening every now and then and flowers for no reason, keep things spicy in the bedroom...
but if you need that all the time, maybe you aren't suited for marriage.

_New relationship energy_ is not supposed to last forever and if that's the feeling you constantly need, neither will your marriage.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

YupItsMe said:


> Marriage requires ongoing romance and pursuit to maintain the warm inner glow. Marriage is exactly like tending to a fire. No tending a fire it goes out. It might go out any way but without romance and pursuit it definitely will.


Define Romantic.
See thats the thing, as long as you and your partner define it the same way your fire keeps burning.

My X took a while to figure me out. 
Give me a diamond ring, pfft- vs. Give me a dash cover for my car-big kisses.

Tell me I'm beautiful Eh- vs. Tell me you admire my ability to inspire and motivate a team that produces a profitable business. Baby, that gets me HOT!!!

You planned date night, candlelite dinner for two, sigh--ok vs. You are going to drive me to work, pick me up AND you'll sing 80's hair band music with me in the car. Babe, I will rock your world every night this week. 

One can find the oddest or simplest things romantic, doesn't have to take a huge effort. When there is love and appreciation most things are romantic.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"New relationship energy is not supposed to last forever and if that's the feeling you constantly need, neither will your marriage."

This is just "something people say". I attest that "new relationship energy" can be sustained and maintained. If you don't stagnate as an individual, if you remain energized in your own life and skin and you keep growing as a person, then you will each have new things to learn and share about yourselves and each other, and everything *can* feel new day after day. 

Being madly in love, day after day, lifts me up and I sail through my days. I feel younger, healthier, more alive, and full of courage, to face uncertainties and to be vulnerable. These love chemicals are such a rush....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KJ5000 said:


> I disagree. Constantly needing some kind of *forced romance* to keep a marriage happy sounds *laborious* and more like a *chore* than anything else.
> 
> Yes, a romantic evening every now and then and *flowers* for no reason, keep things spicy in the bedroom...
> but if you need that all the time, maybe you aren't suited for marriage.
> ...


It is a Misconception to assume every instance Romance is written on a page it = Flowers & date nights... It is a FEELING in the air...*a spirit* if you will.... it is never forced or Laborious... if it was... it would be very hurtful and demeaning to the recipient .... 

Nor does it have to cost a dime or one foot set out of the house even...

My husband has NEVER in 31 yrs , that I recall bought me ...I told him ages ago.... I didn't want him to waste his $$ (I think once I told me we could buy 2 Big Macs with that!) .... I'd prefer he pick them in the back yard .... I think I've gotten more from our kids- with a little grass to boot - very touching moments. 

Romance....for me... because my Love Languages are *TIME* and *TOUCH*...is his hugging, kissing, cuddling, his fingers through my hair...desiring to spend time with me... We have 6 kids.. even with the kids in the room, the ROMANCE can still be in the AIR...flowing ...permeating ..... 

Just his mentioning a song he heard at work, telling me he thought of me.. what does this cost? If a song comes on the radio, his grabbing me to







& looking down in my eyes - It's a rising Thankfulness for what you have -right in front of you. 

I hope this makes some sense.



> *Faithful Wife said*: Being madly in love, day after day, lifts me up and I sail through my days. I feel younger, healthier, more alive, and full of courage, to face uncertainties and to be vulnerable. These love chemicals are such a rush..


 Yes ^^ it's probably a state of dopamine, no doubt...if I am going to waste my dopamine reserves on anything in this life... why not concentrate on our Lover....better our marriages than some other craze /hobby that could lead us AWAY from our spouses/ our families.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

coffee4me said:


> One can find the oddest or simplest things romantic, doesn't have to take a huge effort. When there is love and appreciation most things are romantic.


Yes, what I was trying to say ....There is Gratitude for your blessings in Life with this person you are sailing with ...sometimes it "floods" you , and you just want to express it, this is your JOY. 

*1*. I find it Romantic that my husband wants to watch movies with me....

*2*. I find it romantic that he reaches for my hand in the car sometimes while driving....

*3.* If this song comes on the radio... Remember When by Alan Jackson...taking in those words -even he will get glassy eyed... ME... I'll be a freaking puddle if I don't turn that station...it's a beautiful cry though. 

*4*. I mentioned 2 big Macs in my last post... I'd find "Romantic" in McDonalds.. just sitting there with the man I love ordering off the dollar menu - laughing about the cares of life... reminiscing a moment.... maybe I'll lift my foot to tease him under the table... whatever.. to be Playful is Romantic...

Romance is in the heart.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> One can find the oddest or simplest things romantic, doesn't have to take a huge effort. *When there is love and appreciation most things are romantic.*


^^^This is it.
Where there is love and appreciation, even the simplest things become romantic.
In some cases it doesn't even take a huge effort.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *3.* If this song comes on the radio... Remember When by Alan Jackson...taking in those words -even he will get glassy eyed... ME... I'll be a freaking puddle if I don't turn that station...it's a beautiful cry though.


WOW!
I love that song!
That is the only song that gets me teary eyed when it plays on the radio, especially if my wife is nearby.
It reminds me of us.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

KJ5000 said:


> I disagree. Constantly needing some kind of forced romance to keep a marriage happy sounds laborious and more like a chore than anything else.
> 
> Yes, a romantic evening every now and then and flowers for no reason, keep things spicy in the bedroom...
> but if you need that all the time, maybe you aren't suited for marriage.
> ...


I could say the same about sex.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I could say the same about sex.


Exactly... but again sex is not constant its a finite experience.

Romance according to the OP is ongoing... you want to be on all call 24-7 sex wife than we have a fair comparison.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

'Romance according to the OP is ongoing... you want to be on all call 24-7 sex wife than we have a fair comparison."

I want that job!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't believe marriage needs a ongoing pursuit and romance....people are too busy for that. What it does need is love and ideally sex. Now sporadic pursuit and romance I can support. My parents were happy with sporadic romantic gestures.
> 
> Marriage is not constant dating. OPs statement is false.


I dunno, OP's theory has been working for me for 14 years.

Think I'll stick with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Nothing wrong with romance, date nights, playful banter, etc. the problem is women who want their man to kill a lion with his bare hands every time he wants his wife's affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"...the problem is women who want their man to kill a lion with his bare hands every time he wants his wife's affection."

Nah, you can just dress the Tarzan part and kill a pretend lion. Just wear the loin cloth, and we're good.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

The detractors in this thread have redefined "ongoing" as "constant" as in "24/7" to the point "one can not work or run errands that life requires". Thats so angry and pathetic its hilarious.

"Romance" and "pursuit" is also redefined simply as "dating"."Romance" is also now "forced" and they are "too busy" for all that but "expect sex because they are married but dont get it enough even though they have love."

That level of anger and stubborness and method of argument is laughable and likely part of the lack of satisfaction problem with their marriage.

Define romance. OK. Romance is whatever ignites your spouses warm inner glow. If you havent figured out what that is, invest your energy their instead of transparently redefining claims meant to help those that think ongoing romance and pursuit is only for courting and not for fueling and refueling a successful satisfying marriage as well. 

The reason ,many have an unsatisfyng marriage is often a lack of effort or the wrong kind of effort. A lack of affection, appreciation and attention will do a marriage harm. I didnt claim romance and pursuit was the only requirement. I said it was a requirement. Disagree at your peril.

Husbands spend their evening watcing Nascar and then expect their wives to want sex at bed time. She suggests he go **** the TV. He may get duty sex but of she is desireous its not as satisfying to either spouse.

Just for the hell of it, if your marriage is disappointing in some way, I would suggest you try attempting to consider a point of view different than your own instead of cynically redefining that point of view to align with your own stubborn nonworking perspective.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> The detractors in this thread have redefined "ongoing" as "constant" as in "24/7" to the point "one can not work or run errands that life requires". Thats so angry and pathetic its hilarious.
> 
> "Romance" and "pursuit" is also redefined simply as "dating"."Romance" is also now "forced" and they are "too busy" for all that but "expect sex because they are married but dont get it enough even though they have love."
> 
> ...


You OP paint with a very broad brush.... and speak in absolutes.

You assume those of us in less than satisfying in some fashion marriages are somehow at fault for not providing enough romance.

That in itself is absolutely false. Lack of effort???

You seem to think romance is a cure all...it isn't.

I do not watch freaking neckcar, I wake up everyday and ask myself what can I do to make my family and wife's life better today.

Yes marriage needs to have some fun/romance but you saying its the end all be all is borderline crazy. Also just because it works NOW does not guarantee it will down the road.

Some of us are realists.

Marriage works as long as there is a balance..including romance pursuit and sex.

And SPORADIC romance or inner glow is a two-way street. If more could realized that there would be no need for TAM.

Ask anyone who has been fooled how servicing inner glow constantly worked with their Ex.
Life happens...there is not much you can do about it.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

You missed this part. 



YupItsMe said:


> It might go out any way but without romance and pursuit it definitely will.


You also missed this



YupItsMe said:


> The reason *many *have an unsatisfyng marriage is often a lack of effort or the wrong kind of effort.


"Many" Got it yet? Its not an absolute. "All" an absolute. "Constant" is an absolute and THAT WAS *YOU* NOT ME.

And this



YupItsMe said:


> I didnt claim romance and pursuit was the only requirement. I said it was a requirement.


Your claim about my assumptions are patently false. Why? Because you would rather argue and redefine that which is not there and filter the perspective thru your own baggage.

Im sorry romance and pursuit dont work for you. I didnt claim it would all by itself. Is that clear yet or are you incapable?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> You also missed this
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And you stated....
Marriage *requires *ongoing romance and pursuit to maintain or forget it.

That is false....also who is that for the husband or wife?

What marriage requires (to last) is love, trust and safety with some of what you speak of.

I argue because what you state is false. Look outside your rose colored filter.

The proof is right here... read the posts and there are plenty of long term marriages struggling and ongoing romance and pursuit is not part of the struggle in most.

Most are still going because they have.... Love, trust and/or safety. Not simply because romance/pursuit.
When those three start falling off... then marriages fail.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> And you stated....
> Marriage *requires *ongoing romance and pursuit to maintain or forget it.
> 
> That is false....also who is that for the husband or wife?
> ...


Is english your first language?

Baking a cake requires flour or forget it. You use 3 cups I use 4.

Thats not to the exclusion of other ingredients. 

Trade in your baggage for a dictionary.


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