# Never had sex with my husband



## FrustratedWife2012 (Apr 19, 2012)

This is a bit of a long story, so please bear with me as I really do need some advice. I met my husband in 2003 and we married in 2004. From the beginning he used to avoid intercourse especially by performing oral sex on me, and eventually he agreed to see a doctor. The doctor (incorrectly) diagnosed no physical problem and referred him to a therapist who completely messed with his mind and we ended up with no physical intimacy at all. 

In the middle of this process we married as we love each other and really wanted to be together and I hoped that then he might relax and discover his sex drive. Things worsened and he finally saw a doctor again in 2006 only to find that he had phimosis which was making sex painful for him. An operation was performed to fix the problem but by then the mental problems had gone too deep and he refused to see another therapist after his bad experience. 

In 2007, as we desperately wanted children, we decided to put the sex issue on the back burner and started to try for a baby using other methods, which was very stressful. After 2 years and 2 miscarriages we finally stayed pregnant and our gorgeous daughter was born in 2010. In the early days, I was too exhausted to think about sex, but now I am finding that most days I masturbate while my daughter is napping and I really feel the lack of sex. 

I've talked to my husband and he says all the right things about wanting to try, but then he always has an excuse. He masturbates very infrequently and I'm worried that he now has a very low sex drive. I don't want loads of sex, but I'd like to have some as I feel that our connection is becoming more friends than lovers and we haven't been intimate for such a long time now - he doesn't even really touch me or kiss me as more than a friend. I don't want to divorce, especially for my daughter's sake, but I could use some advice on how to salvage this situation.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Seems like there's not a lot of wiggle room here, he needs to go to therapy for your sake. He needs to understand that this issue not only hurts him, but by extension it is hurting you. As time goes on this will only get worse as resentment will build (and that's a feeling that's hard to get rid of).

If he refuses to go to therapy himself, perhaps there's a close friend who you could ask to give him some more pressure?

Bottom line is this has to change, and he needs to understand that and as painful as dealing with this condition and his feelings about it is... it has to be done. If he doesn't want to go, perhaps a separation is in order because you can't neglect your sexuality for the remainder of your life. If he sees that you are serious perhaps it will encourage him to take action.


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

Well you certainly had fair warning long before you married him and had a child!

It's not like so many other stories where sex went from great to terrible.

Yours was never good and it stayed bad.

He's not going to change now, that's for sure.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

WOW! That's crazy! I am not making fun or anything, i just can not believe that you and your husband have never had sex! i honestly don't know what to tell you.....he isn't gay is he? Maybe? I don't know....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Seems to me that sex therapy is he best route for the two of you. I have a book that talks about how to start up a sex life when there are difficulites like the ones you have. If I can find the book I'll post the name of it. (Most of my books are in boxes in our 'storage bedroom'.)

The point is that a good sex therapist knows of things you two can do that will get a sex life started. Forget about all the talking that a normal therapist will do. You two need action, not talk.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I have no idea if this is relevant to your situation at all. I can tell you that once, I determined that my own sex drive was a bad thing. Accordingly, I rooted it out. I pretty much succeeded in doing that but just as the therapist warned, it took a whole whack of my emotional self along with it. Life became pretty cold and grey and intellectual.

Once I did that, turning the switch back to "on" again was not a simple matter. Carol's spent the better part of our marriage working on that (15 years now) and it's still a work in progress. Had she thought of my reasons as "excuses" she never would have gotten anywhere. Rather, she understood what a snarled hairball I had going on in my head and patiently helped me work through it. It helps a lot that she has zero sexual hangups so rediscovering my sexuality was not dancing in a minefield.

Good luck to you two.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> Phimosis (fī-mō'sĭs, fĭ-), from the Greek phimos (φῑμός ("muzzle")), is a condition where, in men, the foreskin cannot be fully retracted over the glans penis.


According to what I read, for pathological phismosis, circumcision seems to be the effective way to resolve it. Has your husband talked to his doctor about undergoing a circumcision?


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## FrustratedWife2012 (Apr 19, 2012)

Jeff/BC said:


> I have no idea if this is relevant to your situation at all. I can tell you that once, I determined that my own sex drive was a bad thing. Accordingly, I rooted it out. I pretty much succeeded in doing that but just as the therapist warned, it took a whole whack of my emotional self along with it. Life became pretty cold and grey and intellectual.
> 
> Once I did that, turning the switch back to "on" again was not a simple matter. Carol's spent the better part of our marriage working on that (15 years now) and it's still a work in progress. Had she thought of my reasons as "excuses" she never would have gotten anywhere. Rather, she understood what a snarled hairball I had going on in my head and patiently helped me work through it. It helps a lot that she has zero sexual hangups so rediscovering my sexuality was not dancing in a minefield.
> 
> Good luck to you two.


Thanks Jeff, that is really interesting and maybe I have become too stuck in my perception of the situation. I have lost a lot of confidence in my sexuality and I need to regain that and work with my husband to work through it. Thank you.


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## FrustratedWife2012 (Apr 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> According to what I read, for pathological phismosis, circumcision seems to be the effective way to resolve it. Has your husband talked to his doctor about undergoing a circumcision?


Yes, he had a circumcision in 2006 (that's the operation I mentioned) - since then he's physically capable but for about 20 years he has thought something was wrong with him and I think it's tough to work through that, in his mind it's easier just to avoid sex as it's associated with pain for him.


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## FrustratedWife2012 (Apr 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Seems to me that sex therapy is he best route for the two of you. I have a book that talks about how to start up a sex life when there are difficulites like the ones you have. If I can find the book I'll post the name of it. (Most of my books are in boxes in our 'storage bedroom'.)
> 
> The point is that a good sex therapist knows of things you two can do that will get a sex life started. Forget about all the talking that a normal therapist will do. You two need action, not talk.


Thank you, you are probably right I need to get organised. I don't suppose anyone knows how you arrange it. Do you need to be referred by a doctor? I have no idea if our insurance covers it either.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If he isn't willing to undergo therapy, would you two be willing to try taking steps to increase his confidence that the pain is indeed gone? I'm no expert so take the following as what it is: my random thoughts.

Perhaps caress his penis and scrotum sometime (no need to get him to climax just make it relaxing and sensual), and I'd let him know where the boundaries are so he can relax. Then some days/weeks later once he's more comfortable with that try oral sex, and again after a few weeks vaginal sex? During that time he could reciprocate and it could be a wonderful time.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Following on Browncoat's advice, intercourse can be started gradually until his psychological barriers (cause by traumatic pain) are demolished. For example, the first few times he uses the tip of his pen!s to stroke your labia and stop, later on he penetrates the entrance of your vagina and stops, until eventually he'll be able to penetrate you fully.

Oh and c0ckblock his attempts at self pleasuring by grabbing his johnson, stroking it and sucking on it. Be aggressive and tell him "You're MY biotch, so get used to it".


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

FrustratedWife2012 said:


> Thanks Jeff, that is really interesting and maybe I have become too stuck in my perception of the situation. I have lost a lot of confidence in my sexuality and I need to regain that and work with my husband to work through it. Thank you.


You're welcome. 

As is always true, my own situation -- at best -- is only partially similar to yours. That being said, if you'd like to get Carol's viewpoint on it, drop me a PM and I'll forward it on to her. She doesn't post here any more but she would be happy to do an email exchange if you thought it was helpful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrustratedWife2012 said:


> Thank you, you are probably right I need to get organised. I don't suppose anyone knows how you arrange it. Do you need to be referred by a doctor? I have no idea if our insurance covers it either.


I'm not sure how to go about finding a sex therapist. Perhaps start on the phone book or on line. Call the office of a few you find and ask them how to go about it.

Perhaps you could also search on line for websites by sex therapists and read what they have to say. You might learn a lot and stumble on the right person for you two that way.


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## deanna1701 (Sep 16, 2012)

Dear Frustrated

I would like to ask how you are doing. I am in the same situation with my marriage and to be honest I thought I was the only person in this situation. For years I have been afraid to confront the situation. I have reached the point where I can not ignore it anymore. Have you had any resolution?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

zaliblue said:


> WOW! That's crazy! I am not making fun or anything, i just can not believe that you and your husband have never had sex! i honestly don't know what to tell you.....he isn't gay is he? Maybe? I don't know....


:iagree:


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sometimes marriage can kill a man's sex drive. The intimacy of a marital relationship can cause tension, stress and anxiety which shuts down a man's ability to function sexually. These people do better sexually when they are single and can control the level of intimacy in a relationship.


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