# Who backs down when there is no compromise to be had?



## tinkerm (Apr 25, 2014)

I'm new here so please be gentle... honest, but gentle. After searching the internet and the amount of anger and bullying I've seen, I'm more than a bit hesitant to put this out there. But alas, I am at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do. 

My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 17. We have two children, 13 & 9. We have dealt with ups and downs, mainly in relation to his alcoholism. We've been in counseling for years, al-anon, aa, etc. He is sober. Our relationship is great, not without bumps and bruises, but a healthy, loving relationship. I couldn't be happier with where we are at... until now.

Last July I found out we were expecting our third child. Since my kids are a bit older, I had some reservations but extremely excited anyways. I always wanted more kids, never felt "done" but bc of his addiction and the turmoil that caused, I never felt comfortable bringing another child into the mix until he was sober and our marriage solid. We had even discussed having another child early last year and decided to shelve it till the end of the year. Then there was our surprise. We found out we were finally having our girl after two beautiful boys, our kids were thrilled, family, etc. then at 18 weeks we were given the horrifying news that our baby had died. I delivered two days later. 

It's the worst pain I ever been through including losing my dad. My husband was devastated too but bounced back more quickly. He had a hard time understanding why I was sleeping all day, crying all day. In all fairness, it was hard for him to see me this way. He wanted his wife back. After the loss in early November, we decided to try right away. I was thrilled. After a few months I noticed him avoiding sex on fertile days, not seeming too interested, etc. Finally after about three months of trying unsuccessfully I called him out. He admitted he wasn't sure if he wanted another child. Slowly his "not sure" has turned into a "no".

I totally respect his right to that decision, I've supported friends in that same position. However, I can't wrap my brain around never having another child. He won't talk to me about it, counseling turns into a huge fight. I hate this, the distance this is causing. And yet just agreeing with him feels like I'm setting our marriage up for failure. I can already feel the resentments building. I don't even know why he doesn't want another child. Financially we are in a great place, we are in a much more secure emotional place too. (Not counting this of course.) I don't get it, I'm not sure I'll ever get it. 

How do you decide who caves? I'd never want him to have a baby he doesn't want, but how am I supposed to get right with giving up a baby I do want? Especially when from what I can gather, his desire to not have a baby isn't as strong as my desire to have one. I'm unsure of the steps to working this out where both of us feel heard and satisfied. Is there a way?

(And preemptive strike: Yes, I love my two boys. No this isn't a bid to just have a girl, I'd love another boy too. No, I'm not trying to replace the baby I lost, I already wanted to try for a baby before falling pregnant. I love to raise kids, I love mothering, I love being pregnant, sleepless nights, teenage hormones, all of it. No, working at a daycare or school isn't going to help, those are other peoples kids, I want my own. I know I'm lucky to have my husband and my boys, that is why I'm asking for help to figure out how to work these things out without resentments on either side instead of asking how to trick my man into impregnating me or a sperm donor or quickie divorce. Those aren't an option, I love my husband and I want to work our issues out.) 

Thank you for any advice or stories you have.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You cave.

Unless you want another child so badly you're willing to give up your life and find a man who wants a child.

I don't think you want that.

About the resentment...

You two need to communicate much better about this and work through it because you've both been affected by the loss of that child more than you think you have.

It's not wrong for your husband to fear another try after what happened.

Honestly in your husbands shoes I'd be hard pressed to agree to another child at this point too.

I wouldn't do it.

I'd figure " I have my boys, they're at good ages, there are a lot of drawbacks to having an infant this late in the game, I never want to see my wife in that kind of pain again, No I can't do it"

You simply have to tolerate and hopefully come to respect his decision.

Find a way for you and he to deal with the resentment it will cause you because it will be far easier dealing with that resentment than any resentment he will have if you pressure him into a child he doesn't want.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Agreed with above. Not much else to say really.


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