# I don’t want to feel regret for divorcing!



## Slsnew2 (Jul 25, 2021)

But I am. I’ve gone to a lawyer and started the process. Paid my retainer fee. You can read about my marital problems in past posts. Long story shortish - married almost ten years. Have had sex maybe ten times in ten years. The instant we got married it seriously dwindled. Been over two years now since the last time. I’m positive there’s a problem there but he’s absolutely refused to talk about it w me or a dr. He is addicted to porn and trolling for other women. He had an actual affair with a 20 year old year two of our marriage when he was 38/39. There have been many other attempts since then. He likes to message Instagram models, single women he knows and women on his fb that he sees are having marital trouble. I’ve stayed every time because I wanted it to work. But in hindsight he’s never really been apologetic and it just keeps happening. So the fact that he can’t show any affection to me (won’t even hold my hand or put a hand on my back, kiss etc) yet constantly pursues other women have led me to this point. 
We’re still in the same house. I’m positive he thinks this is just another bluff and have explained such to the lawyer and we’re both hoping that when he gets the papers he’ll realize I’m serious. I will not leave because this house was mine bought and paid for before our marriage. 
My problem now is the longer this limbo goes on (it’s been about 5 weeks) the more I’m thinking maybe I’m overreacting! Maybe it’s not such a big deal and maybe it’d just be easier to go back to our normal platonic marriage where he’s interested in literally anyone else. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m done! And all the horrible things that have happened. Does anyone else have to do this? I felt pretty resolved to divorce but the longer this drags out the less sure I am.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Drop your hopium pipe. If you stay you’ll only get more of what you’ve gotten.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You would be crazy to stay married. Don’t even think about it.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

Slsnew2 said:


> But I am. I’ve gone to a lawyer and started the process. Paid my retainer fee. You can read about my marital problems in past posts. Long story shortish - married almost ten years. Have had sex maybe ten times in ten years. The instant we got married it seriously dwindled. Been over two years now since the last time. I’m positive there’s a problem there but he’s absolutely refused to talk about it w me or a dr. He is addicted to porn and trolling for other women. He had an actual affair with a 20 year old year two of our marriage when he was 38/39. There have been many other attempts since then. He likes to message Instagram models, single women he knows and women on his fb that he sees are having marital trouble. I’ve stayed every time because I wanted it to work. But in hindsight he’s never really been apologetic and it just keeps happening. So the fact that he can’t show any affection to me (won’t even hold my hand or put a hand on my back, kiss etc) yet constantly pursues other women have led me to this point.
> We’re still in the same house. I’m positive he thinks this is just another bluff and have explained such to the lawyer and we’re both hoping that when he gets the papers he’ll realize I’m serious. I will not leave because this house was mine bought and paid for before our marriage.
> My problem now is the longer this limbo goes on (it’s been about 5 weeks) the more I’m thinking maybe I’m overreacting! Maybe it’s not such a big deal and maybe it’d just be easier to go back to our normal platonic marriage where he’s interested in literally anyone else. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m done! And all the horrible things that have happened. Does anyone else have to do this? I felt pretty resolved to divorce but the longer this drags out the less sure I am.


You can do this. I know the feeling, that you love him and want to stay. You hold onto the happy memories and not really want to see the truth. The truth is that he didn't respect you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

After what I just read, if you are doubting your decision........
I'd think seriously about some individual counseling.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Please tell me you're not that desperate to have someone in the house.


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## Slsnew2 (Jul 25, 2021)

Thanks everyone!! Sometimes I need a slap upside the head! I kept hoping that he would step up and make things better but I know that’s never going to happen. In my head. I think I’ll be very relieved when this is all over.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You filed hoping he’d get serious? Filing was the best thing you’ve done in the last 10 years.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Slsnew2 said:


> My problem now is the longer this limbo goes on (it’s been about 5 weeks) the more I’m thinking maybe I’m overreacting! Maybe it’s not such a big deal and maybe it’d just be easier to go back to our normal platonic marriage where he’s interested in literally anyone else. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m done! And all the horrible things that have happened. Does anyone else have to do this? I felt pretty resolved to divorce but the longer this drags out the less sure I am.


You are not overreacting. His behavior is totally unacceptable and it isnt a marriage worth having. It really isn't a marriage at all. 

I'm sure it would be easier in some ways to stay married, but the easier choice isn't always the right choice. Once you get through this divorce and come out on the other side, I'm sure you will be thankful you did it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s your heart trying to overrule your head. Don’t listen. That’s what has kept you in that situation for years. You’ll be much better off when he’s gone.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Having thoughts of regret during or after a divorce is normal for a lot of people. Do a Google search and read about it. For most, it’s the fear of the unknown and being alone.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> You filed hoping he’d get serious? Filing was the best thing you’ve done in the last 10 years.


Agree. You don't play these sort of games with marriage. Dude sounds like a winner


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You described my 24 year marriage. When I met my ex he was very hands off which was new to me at age 26. He was 29, military so he had an upstanding career. He also had full custody of his sons, 2 & 4 at the time. We dated long distance for a year. His communication was not real good with the exception of complaining about his ex who he was married to for 4 years. He had a huge porn collection and back in 1980's this was magazines, boxes. We talked about porn and at first no alarms went off. I actually made the first interest in sex to let him know I was interested. In talking to him about relationships in his past I learned he really had not had relationships. He had infatuations with girls in highschool but did not date and never had sex until he had graduated high school. He went directly into the military and with the help of alcohol he was able to open his world to women more but he told me he used porn rather than developing relationships. he had this thought that if a woman wanted him she would come to him and otherwise he used porn.

After we were married is when I finally saw him for who he was. I think he had been on good behavior but once he knew he had me he went back to who he was before we had met. I noticed he would just fixate on a certain woman when we were out in public, so much so that I could be talking to him and he heard nothing I said. I asked him what thoughts were running through his head as he watched these women. he told me that he imagined undressing them and what sex would be like with him. I was grateful that he was this open to tell me this but it was not easy to hear. 

Sex life with him was me going to him but his go to remained porn and we could not switch it even with counseling. He admitted to me, our counselor and our children that he was a porn addict and he went thru the steps the counselor suggested but it did not last. Like your situation he was not affectionate in any way. I tried to hold his hand for the first time and he dropped it. When I asked him why he told me that as a military person he could not show affection in public. I learned later that it was a stipulation in uniform and even that has been ignored. He did not express any feelings of love which I thought might have been him being a male in the military but eventually as I watched other military couples I realized he simply was emotionally unavailable. 

It made me feel unloved, unwanted and used. I felt that all he wanted was a mother to help raise his sons and I was to be maid and nanny but otherwise we were distant. 

He had 3 different women, that I am aware of, that he become over infatuated with. Would talk to them at work to get them comfortable and then eventually would get these ladies to go to lunch with him. Whether he slept with any of them I do not know. I did ask questions but he denied feelings for a very long time and then it all came out one day and he admitted to all the infatuations. he had imagined having sex with all of these women and here I was the one going to him for sex. He said the more he got the more he wanted. 

It all finally came to a head when I was unpacking our household goods in a house we had just bought. My husband, now ex, said he did not feel well when I asked if he could help unpack the boxes. He was upstairs on the computer. The next day I checked the history wich he forgot to clear and found he was on site after site looking up picture, sexual material, nude pictures of actresses. It was absolutely sickening to see this. I contacted a counselor and an attorney the next day. 

I have been divorced for 6 years and looking back the man has serious issues. I have gone on to date men and have been with a man who is very open with me about everything. He comes to me for sex and I go to him. He shows i interest in me and does not obsess over women when we are out. He is a fantastic lover, great friend, and a wonderful man.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I never understood the mindset of if I just don't get divorced my marriage won't be a failure.

Your marriage is a failure. It's a question of whether you're willing to cover your ears and pretend.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I never understood the mindset of if I just don't get divorced my marriage won't be a failure.
> 
> Your marriage is a failure. It's a question of whether you're willing to cover your ears and pretend.


We stay sometimes for reasons that are not always about us. In my situation which sounds much like the OP I stayed for the children. I did not want to separate the family and put the children through a situation with divorced parents. I had also followed his career making mine a second to his so financially secure my future was scary. the brain will play tricks with you to excuse the behavior even though it is not working. You end up floating through life and riding the roller coaster when needed. It is no way to live.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It is such a relief to everyone else that you have filed. How can it not be a relief to you? Is there a co-dependency that is being hidden from view? 

As others have suggested, assuming that you've laid things out truthfully, for you to not feel a huge sense of relief that you've finally got the ball moving is problematic. You're probably in need of therapy. This is your moment to feel elated, joyful that you've finally tossed aside years of inaction and are ready to being a new life, a better life. I mean, it really can't get worse can it?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AVR1962 said:


> We stay sometimes for reasons that are not always about us. In my situation which sounds much like the OP I stayed for the children. I did not want to separate the family and put the children through a situation with divorced parents. I had also followed his career making mine a second to his so financially secure my future was scary. the brain will play tricks with you to excuse the behavior even though it is not working. You end up floating through life and riding the roller coaster when needed. It is no way to live.


With the children, you also have to consider what type of bad modeling they're getting and how that will affect them. Obviously, you don't want a daughter to grow up thinking your ex is the normal man and seek one like him out (which isn't hard to find these days). Obviously, you don't want a son to model after his sickness. And these days, it's not like the ex is out of the picture. They usually have 50/50 custody, so that means he's still modeling to them, but it also means you can date and find a good man to also model a different healthier way for them. And it will not be lost on the children that you left because his behavior was unacceptable, and so they make a mental note of that -- so don't act like that, it's not acceptable, don't accept it, and that is better modeling.


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