# Is This the Best Possible Scenario?



## anotherhusband (Aug 27, 2013)

30 year old male here. My wife is LD. It started after she gave birth to our first, sex dropped from once a week to once a month to once a year. She works an immensely stressful (but extremely lucractive) job, and I am a stay at home dad. I love my wife dearly, and I believe she loves me. However, like most of the LD women discussed here, the only problem she has with her situation is that it distresses me so much. The funny thing is I am not even particularly HD, once a week is absolutely fine for me, but then I really start going crazy.

As a stay at home parent, I do all the housework and cooking and childrearing, so the "try to help out more at home" advice doesnt work. I am extremely fit, and am moving into power-lifter territory. We do not fight over anything but sex, and the only leverage I have to make things better is threatening divorce, which I definitely absolutely do not want. After our second child was conceived, we went about 14 months without sex, at which time we had a couple of huge fights, and I was able to get her to agree to scheduled sex every two weeks (it has been a month since the last time, but a sickness and menstrual cycle were to blame) and she has stuck to it more or less, although with little passion until the act actually begins (which she enjoys). She will not go to counseling, although she has some definite, "go to the endocrinologist once a month" hormonal problems that we are sorting out.

Is this the best that I can do? I dont know how to improve the situation beyond this point, and I dont really talk to anyone about it. Thanks for reading this mass of words.


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

Ask for an open marriage to get your needs met. As a stay at home patent there will be no shortage of single moms that you'll encounter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

anotherhusband said:


> Is this the best that I can do?


No, not even close. However you've already taken the biggest tool out of your toolbag which makes me think you aren't willing to use any of the other tools. If you're not willing to exert leverage or change the dynamic or make her uncomfortable with the situation then yes I agree you've got the best you're going to get.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So sorry you're in this situation.

A woman can't leave stress at the door as well as men. A woman's sex drive typically disappears when stress enters the scene. Your wife's job is, by your admission, highly stressful. 

What is sad is that she doesn't see how her lack of sex drive hurts you. Does she understand that to a husband, having engaged sex is as important as being emotionally present and affectionate to a woman?

I don't think you, or any husband, should shrug their shoulder and give up thinking this is what marriage and adult life is like. Go with her to the endocrinologist and ask about her sex drive and how that might be improved. Course, she'll have to agree to that ahead of time... Now is your chance to make her see how very important this is to you.

Being a SAHD is very hard because you fight against the image of what men are supposed to be like. The last thing you need is a dispassionate wife!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Over a year without sex...with you. She could be getting her needs met at work. Are you able to look at her phone? With such little sex you had 2 kids.:scratchhead:Would you consider DNA testing for the both of them, just a thought.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No, not even close. However you've already taken the biggest tool out of your toolbag which makes me think you aren't willing to use any of the other tools. If you're not willing to exert leverage or change the dynamic or make her uncomfortable with the situation then yes I agree you've got the best you're going to get.


Unfortunately this is true. 

If you want to effect change you need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. The longer you allow her to ignore your line the less meaningful it becomes to her. Leave it long enough...and the one time you do decide to stick to it she won't understand you're serious until it's too late.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

This is a tough dynamic (career woman, SAHD). I know that it's becoming more of the norm but that doesn't mean it is easy. As a career woman myself, it's VERY important that my H be very confident, competent and slightly dominant. I have to be assertive and work hard all day. In my home, I want to feel feminine, protected, cherished and taken care of. What is your dynamic at home with your wife? Does she "wear the pants" in the family in terms of making decisions and such?

I would also suggest marriage counseling. She needs to understand that she can't brush this problem under the rug and you need to figure out how to attract your wife again.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Have she ever talked to you about what she feels about your sex life? Has she mentioned what she thinks is causing the problem. How often did you have sex before you have children?

It sounds like she is either having hormone problems or is extremely stressed out from a mix of her high stressed job and having children. 

I wouldn't be so quick to automatically think there is someone else in the picture because that doesn't sound like the case.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

behappy123 said:


> Have she ever talked to you about what she feels about your sex life? Has she mentioned what she thinks is causing the problem. How often did you have sex before you have children?
> 
> It sounds like she is either having hormone problems or is extremely stressed out from a mix of her high stressed job and having children.
> 
> I wouldn't be so quick to automatically think there is someone else in the picture because that doesn't sound like the case.


I would first rule out a 3d person though and go from there.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

She is living in her masculine and can't come out of it when she gets home. Having a lucrative career in a highly stressed, competitive environment requires your wife to be masculine. Female sexual energy is feminine. She needs to figure out how to slip into her femininity once at home to get in the mood and put the day behind her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

divorce her and ask for custody and support.

you hold all the cards. play them


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

How does she feel about sex, Is she on birth control? Sounds like she does have responsive desire which is what I have. No spontaneous desire for me I also struggle with stress related aversion to sex which could be part of the problem. Can she verbalized exactly why she doesn't want sex?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex once a year? She isn't a wife. Who cares what she wants? She isn't even remotely trying to be the partner she promised. You have expressed your needs (which should be obvious to anyone human). She doesn't care. File, take the kids. You are their primary care-provider. Hit Miss Lucrative Job up for alimony and child support. Find a real woman and lose the Zombie. I might hang with the evil bat until the kids were school age.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sahd are the most cheated on group. Since any affair would likely be at work... Good luck finding it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As an honorary SAHD  who works bank hours and still out earns my lovely LD wife let me point out that as mentioned earlier women don't handle work stress as well as men. A woman with a deadline looming wont think about Godzilla climbing the condo walls let alone sex or anything. That's how it is. The more money the more pressure. 

Scheduling sex does not work either, as dates have the tendency to slide and all of a sudden, hello MMSL or Merchant Marine Sex Life. 

Without credible threats to her lifestyle there is not much that can be done. You can't build emotional closeness between a laptop and a blackberry..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There are several sahd in the cwi section. The basic fact is women are not interseted in men who do not live a manly life. You have become the maid/nanny, not her knight in shining armour. Trade your dish towel in for a sword.

Let me warn you though, none of the men in cwi are following advice given and none are saving their marriages.


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