# 25 years of marriage about to end



## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Hi everyone. I am new here and here's my story.
I have been married for 25 years. When I got married I had a successful career (my own private small business) and my husband told me to quit my business and to become a housewife (which I did). We had a brand new baby and I was stay at home mom/housewife. Everything was great for the first year then I started noticing red flags with finances. I was NOT allowed to buy anything (even clothes for myself). I could not go to get manicure done nor a haircut because there was always "we have no money for your nails" etc....
This is financial abuse but I don't want to talk about financial abuse right now. I thought it was "normal" till next year when I had discovered that my husband had spent on himself thousands of dollars....

Besides all that crap, the COVID19 really showed me that he was cheating on me too! He never confessed and never showed any signs except that for 2.5 years he was always staying LATE at work for 2-3 hours EVERY DAY! He'd tell me at 6:00 p.m. I'd get text from him "something broke at work. I have to fix it. I don't know how long it would take"....
I became suspicious when things were "breaking EVERY SINGLE DAY" and he'd come home at 7:30 p.m. or 8:30 p.m daily instead 6:30.
When COVID happened, I had asked him to work from home since my health wasn't great and I was "high risk" he became VERY mad and agitated with me! He was screaming that only HE would be the one who'd work from home. (back then I didn't realize that he wanted to go to his work to see his mistress at work/his co-worker).
So he was working from home and 2 days into his "work from home" he started telling me "something broke at work, I have to go". He'd go at 4 p.m. and he'd take a long, nice hot shower before he'd leave and he'd be gone for 3-4 hours!! During that time he was not reachable by phone nor by text. Then he'd return home and his underwear (his briefs) were pulled up to his chest (on his back) (he didn't see) but I had asked him "what is this??? Is this how you walk??" He'd reply : "I guess that's how I walk in the office"...

His office is 98% females! There are only 3 men working for the company : he, another elderly guy and the owner of the company who is working from home from another state!
So my husband would come home with his polo shirt untuck from his pants!! It was NEVER untuck in 23 years of his career and then it was untuck every other day (like hanging out of his pants)! He always had leather belt supporting his pants! I began to suspect infidelity!
When I tried to be intimate with him on a Friday, he'd tell me "I can't have sex on Friday because I get tired at work" (he works at his computer in his own office). I understood that he was seeing someone else on Friday and that's why he didn't have energy for me! He'd also told me that "If you have a friend guy, you can go sleep with him".... I guess he thought that if I'll go cheat on him, he would not feel as guilty....

To cut a long story short, it's been going on for 2 years! Recently like 3 weeks ago I found on his phone his worker's photo! Fully clothes and slightly smirking with a smile. He took her photo! I asked him "why did you take her photo? Why do you have her photo on YOUR phone?" His reply was "I don't know how that photo got on my phone.... I am so tired of all these lies that I can't take it anymore! WHY would a married man take a photo of his co-worker in their office and keep it on his phone?? I suspect he fantasizes about her and masturbates to her photo. He did not deny that he's masturbating when I go to sleep to bed.... that's another issue I can't get over...

My question is : Why would a married man take a photo of his co worker and keep that photo on his phone? Should I approach her and ask her if she's sleeping with my husband? She will probably not reply... she's married with 2 children.

Thanks!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

No, don’t approach her, don’t do it. If they are up to no good, she’ll run to your husband straight away and tell him. 

Have you told him of your suspicions?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

The red flags are everywhere. For starters, since he wants to spend less time with you, do the 180 on him. In reality, you need to start preparing for what's next. It's doubtful that it's "live happily ever after", at least with him.









The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Thanks! I will not go to her. I have not told him of my suspicions. My only problem right now, that every time I earn an income per month, he find a reason to take my money. Like ALL of it (even cents). He says "we don't have enough money to pay the bills" so he takes my money. He's making very good income. All my friends don't have words how it's even possible for him not to have enough money to pay the bills... 2 weeks ago our electricity was cut off! I was in shock because he pays the bills! I called him at work and asked him "what's going on?" He said "I've been paying the bill" yet when I called the light company, they've told me that the bill hadn't been paid for 5 months! Yet ALL this time he'd been showing to me all our bills and how his salary isn't enough to pay the bills. Yet he hadn't been paying the bills. I also found that that he hadn't paid our mortgage as well but he lied to me that he'd been paying. Taking my earned money "to cover the mortgage payment" in reality he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I need to start saving some money to get out, because after 18+ years of being a housewife and a stay-at-home-mother, I don't have many choices when it comes to jobs. I do have several "jobs" right now that aren't 100% stable. But every single time I earn something, he finds a reason to spend my money on! Six month ago he took my $6000 and had purchased for himself a brand new car (he'd been buying himself a brand new car every 3 years). I have been driving an old car for 5 years go (my car is 11 years old).


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Be on the lookout for a gambling, drug, or OW problem.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If he is shaking you down for your money, demand to see the records of bills paid and his income. If he can show that his income is being consumed by bills he is justified in wanting you to do your part, but it sounds like that isn't going to be true.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Why have you let your husband treat you this way???

You need to separate your finances. Save money and get out! How old are your children?

You can have a free consultation with a lawyer and discuss your options. After 10 years of marriage you might get spousal support for life! Talk to a lawyer!

I can't believe you have stayed with him this long. He mistreats you, he doesn't see you as his equal and he might be cheating. 

Why would you want to stay married to him?


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> If he is shaking you down for your money, demand to see the records of bills paid and his income. If he can show that his income is being consumed by bills he is justified in wanting you to do your part, but it sounds like that isn't going to be true.


He shows me print outs and I don't understand any of it! Last time he printed for me my gym membership TWICE and I've been paying for it myself! I also buy my own clothes/shoes and buy clothes for our son too. What he shows me (statements) etc is complete BS! Besides I've told him "I don't understand any of it" and he smiles and says "I know"


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Why have you let your husband treat you this way???
> 
> You need to separate your finances. Save money and get out! How old are your children?
> 
> ...


 Our son is going to college this year. I've stayed that long because I wasn't working and I've been sick (very sick)


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

anna2020 said:


> He shows me print outs and I don't understand any of it! Last time he printed for me my gym membership TWICE and I've been paying for it myself! I also buy my own clothes/shoes and buy clothes for our son too. What he shows me (statements) etc is complete BS! Besides I've told him "I don't understand any of it" and he smiles and says "I know"


It sounds to me like you did understand some of it, at least the gym membership. This shouldn't be a fight, it should be him explaining to you where the money has gone, and you trying to understand. If something isn't right, say calmly "But I pay my gym membership, you don't." If you don't understand something, calmly ask him to explain.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Do you have a joint account at your bank? If so, march yourself down to the bank and have them print out a statement. That should tell you where the money is going. I would start a savings account separate from him. Even if you put $50/ month in there. 

I would also log onto the phone provider and see who he is talking to. Get a lawyer too.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

anna2020 said:


> Hi everyone. I am new here and here's my story.
> I have been married for 25 years. When I got married I had a successful career (my own private small business) and my husband told me to quit my business and to become a housewife (which I did). We had a brand new baby and I was stay at home mom/housewife. Everything was great for the first year then I started noticing red flags with finances. I was NOT allowed to buy anything (even clothes for myself). I could not go to get manicure done nor a haircut because there was always "we have no money for your nails" etc....
> This is financial abuse but I don't want to talk about financial abuse right now. I thought it was "normal" till next year when I had discovered that my husband had spent on himself thousands of dollars....
> 
> ...


Wow! I'm so sorry that you are here with this. So, let me see if I have this straight. 1) Your husband of 25 years, talked you out of having a career in order to be a stay at home mom. 2) has been bleeding you dry of money and not taking care of basic utilities, mortgage etc. 3)is banging some skank at work and has pics of said skank on his cell phone 4) denies sex to you and recommended that you go bang one of your "male friends". Is that it? And why in the hell are you still with him? What could possibly keep you drawn in? Your children? How many children do you have with him? Your children are watching you and your husband interact. They are being imprinted with how your marriage is going and they will think that this is normal. You need to consult a lawyer now. I know you do not have much money, but the lawyer can tell you what you are ENTITLED TO of your husbands income (alimony and child support). Have you had an STD test? If not, you need to do it ASAP. Now is the time for immediate action. You and your children deserve better than this!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

anna2020 said:


> Thanks! I will not go to her. I have not told him of my suspicions. My only problem right now, that every time I earn an income per month, he find a reason to take my money. Like ALL of it (even cents). He says "we don't have enough money to pay the bills" so he takes my money. He's making very good income. All my friends don't have words how it's even possible for him not to have enough money to pay the bills... 2 weeks ago our electricity was cut off! I was in shock because he pays the bills! I called him at work and asked him "what's going on?" He said "I've been paying the bill" yet when I called the light company, they've told me that the bill hadn't been paid for 5 months! Yet ALL this time he'd been showing to me all our bills and how his salary isn't enough to pay the bills. Yet he hadn't been paying the bills. I also found that that he hadn't paid our mortgage as well but he lied to me that he'd been paying. Taking my earned money "to cover the mortgage payment" in reality he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I need to start saving some money to get out, because after 18+ years of being a housewife and a stay-at-home-mother, I don't have many choices when it comes to jobs. I do have several "jobs" right now that aren't 100% stable. But every single time I earn something, he finds a reason to spend my money on! Six month ago he took my $6000 and had purchased for himself a brand new car (he'd been buying himself a brand new car every 3 years). I have been driving an old car for 5 years go (my car is 11 years old).


Nope. Go to a lawyer NOW. They can often draw up separation or divorce ppw with emergency orders on support so that you have $ to pay bills and support yourself until something is finalized and until you can figure out how to bring in some of your own income. 

I suggest you see a lawyer ASAP before you find yourself homeless.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get your own bank account and deposit your earnings in it. Your husband is guilty of financial infidelity as well as possibly physical/emotional infidelity. When the mail comes, open the bills and totally understand them. Make a list of them and the amounts owed. Check last year's taxes to see what he earned and compare that to the monthly bills.

You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> It sounds to me like you did understand some of it, at least the gym membership. This shouldn't be a fight, it should be him explaining to you where the money has gone, and you trying to understand. If something isn't right, say calmly "But I pay my gym membership, you don't." If you don't understand something, calmly ask him to explain.


Already did all that. I had asked him "why my gym membership is on that printout TWICE?" I pay for it with my own money what I try to make. His reply was : "That's how the app printed it out, I did not do it on purpose" Part of me wants to believe him and part of me understands that he's just lying to me about EVERYTHING! Turned out he hadn't paid to light company in 5 months but he'd told me that "he'd been paying" and while he'd told me "he'd been paying the bills" it turned out he hadn't! Then the question is..... where did the money go???? I earned last month $1500 (not much) he took everything and told me "to cover to pay our bills" he makes more than $100k a year. We live in very modest home and I drive an 11-year-old car, we have old furniture that we got from our neighbor for free, he doesn't buy me anything at all! So I just don't understand where the money is going....He's been obsessed with the stock market, accounts, investments and porn


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Get your own bank account and deposit your earnings in it. Your husband is guilty of financial infidelity as well as possibly physical/emotional infidelity. When the mail comes, open the bills and totally understand them. Make a list of them and the amounts owed. Check last year's taxes to see what he earned and compare that to the monthly bills.
> 
> You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.


Thanks! I've noticed that many "bills" to go his work address. He'd made Amazon purchases that never arrived to our home! I only found his "receipts" in his trash can on his computer and they were screenshots and did not show what exactly the item was! It just said "arriving xyz date" that day came and went by and nothing ever arrived. He's a manager at his work so it probably arrived to his work


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.


Attorney told me $2500 to get the ball rolling and if she needs to go to court it's $350/hour. Since he takes away my money or trying to force me to make large purchases so I am constantly in debt, I coluld not afford an attorney last year. This year I am more self focused and I've saved up enough just to hire a lawyer but no the $350 /hour. Right now I am trying to get a job (a physical job) so it would get me a sense of some financial security. When I'll file for divorce, I'd need to move out because he makes "faces" he does this emotional stonewalling and not talking to me when he doesn't like something and it doesn't go well with my emotions. I start crying, I don't sleep at night, I feel like someone beat me up with 1001 baseball bats. Then in morning he is hugging me as if nothing had happened and tells me "I love you". At times I feel like I am going crazy! EVERYTHING I tried to ask/begged him to confess he tells me : "You imagined all that. You watch too many movies. I've never said that". 
Last week he told me "instead of going on vacations to Florida (I went with our son back then all 4 times when our son was young. I took him to see the Disneyworld and to Daytona Beach) he told me "You should've been paying your medical bills instead of going on vacations). In 25 years time, I was on vacation only 5 times! I worked all other years (part-time as a housewife).


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Nope. Go to a lawyer NOW. They can often draw up separation or divorce ppw with emergency orders on support so that you have $ to pay bills and support yourself until something is finalized and until you can figure out how to bring in some of your own income.
> 
> I suggest you see a lawyer ASAP before you find yourself homeless.


How can I do that? Who'll pay for my grocery bill? Who'll pay for my utilities? As I understand, I need to get a job to have (financial security while I'll file for divorce)


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

anna2020 said:


> Already did all that. I had asked him "why my gym membership is on that printout TWICE?" I pay for it with my own money what I try to make. His reply was : "That's how the app printed it out, I did not do it on purpose" Part of me wants to believe him and part of me understands that he's just lying to me about EVERYTHING! Turned out he hadn't paid to light company in 5 months but he'd told me that "he'd been paying" and while he'd told me "he'd been paying the bills" it turned out he hadn't! Then the question is..... where did the money go???? I earned last month $1500 (not much) he took everything and told me "to cover to pay our bills" he makes more than $100k a year. We live in very modest home and I drive an 11-year-old car, we have old furniture that we got from our neighbor for free, he doesn't buy me anything at all! So I just don't understand where the money is going....He's been obsessed with the stock market, accounts, investments and porn


How is he TAKING your money? Starting TODAY, have a separate account that only YOU have access to and put every PENNY of your money there.

So, you need to get a list of all the basic bills that you know of -- house, power, phone, etc.. Then SPECIFICALLY ask where is the payment for the house for Jan, Feb, March, etc.. Where it the payment for Power for each month, etc.. DO NOT let him snow you -- by showing you a TON of data, he is manipulating you so that you CAN'T make sense of it. That way you can't figure out what he is doing -- and he is DOING THIS INTENTIONALLY.

Does he at least pay for things for the kids on time?

As @Pip’sJourney suggested, go to your bank DIRECTLY and get printouts of your accounts for the last 6 months (savings and checking). I bet you will find where the money went (at the very least you will see a ton of cash withdrawals).

You need to get copies of all this stuff, and get to a lawyer. You really don't need to live in this type of disrespectful and outright LYING relationship.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

anna2020 said:


> Thanks! I've noticed that many "bills" to go his work address. He'd made Amazon purchases that never arrived to our home! I only found his "receipts" in his trash can on his computer and they were screenshots and did not show what exactly the item was! It just said "arriving xyz date" that day came and went by and nothing ever arrived. He's a manager at his work so it probably arrived to his work


Do you have access to his amazon account? If YOU are also on the bills (power, mortgage, etc.) contact the COMPANY and get the address of the bills changed to your house. That would be a start.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

anna2020 said:


> How can I do that? Who'll pay for my grocery bill? Who'll pay for my utilities? As I understand, I need to get a job to have (financial security while I'll file for divorce)


You probably WILL have to get a job if you divorce, but in the meantime, your lawyer can make sure that HE continues to provide $$$ for you during the divorce process. He can't just cut you off from everything. You need a good family law lawyer to work all this out with you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> How is he TAKING your money? Starting TODAY, have a separate account that only YOU have access to and put every PENNY of your money there.
> 
> So, you need to get a list of all the basic bills that you know of -- house, power, phone, etc.. Then SPECIFICALLY ask where is the payment for the house for Jan, Feb, March, etc.. Where it the payment for Power for each month, etc.. DO NOT let him snow you -- by showing you a TON of data, he is manipulating you so that you CAN'T make sense of it. That way you can't figure out what he is doing -- and he is DOING THIS INTENTIONALLY.
> 
> ...


I agree w/ this, except I'm not sure if he is trying to confuse her or she just doesn't have the patience for it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

anna2020 said:


> How can I do that? Who'll pay for my grocery bill? Who'll pay for my utilities? As I understand, I need to get a job to have (financial security while I'll file for divorce)


That’s exactly what I’m saying, lawyers can draw up emergency orders to implement support $ until things are finalized and while you find a job. Just talk to one and they’ll let you know your options. Doesn’t hurt to just know whether you can.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Your husband is screwing other women physically and screwing you financially. You CAN find a lawyer that will work with you. If your husband makes six figures a year, you can get a lawyer to help you. 

You think you are going crazy, because your brain is telling you that your husband's behavior is erratic, and nonsensical, and your heart is telling you that you cannot emotionally bare it. Your financial situation is your major stumbling block (at least in your mind). 

The problem is, if you do not take action, your going to keep suffering through this AND SO ARE YOUR CHILDREN!!!! A husband/father does not let the lights get shut off. A husband/father does not steal all of his wife's money and then neglect her. A husband/father does not live a secret, second life outside the home. 

And he will not stop it. But, that does not mean that you and your children have to remain a part of it. You need to get started now, moving on with your life. Time is precious. Shake this RAT from your neck and find a man that adores and treasures you! They are out there!


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> How is he TAKING your money? Starting TODAY, have a separate account that only YOU have access to and put every PENNY of your money there.
> 
> So, you need to get a list of all the basic bills that you know of -- house, power, phone, etc.. Then SPECIFICALLY ask where is the payment for the house for Jan, Feb, March, etc.. Where it the payment for Power for each month, etc.. DO NOT let him snow you -- by showing you a TON of data, he is manipulating you so that you CAN'T make sense of it. That way you can't figure out what he is doing -- and he is DOING THIS INTENTIONALLY.
> 
> ...


We have one child. The child is a teenager who's about to go to University. He told our son "you take a loan and you put yourself through school". Our son is ready to do just that. I feel depressed that I can't help our son (I am his parent). My husband gets agitated when I start question things about bills/payments. He makes his "face" and psychologically it's good for me. I've lost my sleep, I think about what's going on. If I don't give him money that I've earned in one month, he then says "I'll take out of our savings account then". Last year he run our savings account into the ground! It looked like he did it intentionally. In 3 months we went from $18,000 to $2500 in savings. I don't know where the money is going. He is doing the finances. I didn't know he didn't pay for 5 months for an electric bill! He must've gotten notifications and disconnection notices and he told me "I've never gotten any notifications". I find it hard to believe! ALL bills, credit cards are on HIS name and HIS name alone! I called the light company, they told me "we can't discuss the bill with you since you are not on the bill" I told them "I don't need to discuss it since I have it in front of me, I need to make the payment, so you can turn back on our electricity because I have a kid living in the house (who needs his computer, warm house and warm water)! They told me the bill was due $604. I called my husband and he told me "he paid the bill and doesn't know what's going on". 10 minutes later the light company told me "he hasn't paid the bill in 5 months!" He lied again! He told me "he pays the bills" but in reality he does NOT! Now he took from me the $604 thus telling me that "we had an expected bill due and we have no money to cover that bill" He told me "you need to contribute to the family". I've taken our son on vacation 4 times and solely paid for it with my own hard earned money. He didn't give a dime on any of our vacations, yet he has the nerve to tell me "you don't contribute to the family". I also do all the house chores. If I don't take trash out, he wouldn't do it. 

The only reason that I continue to live with him, so it buys me time to get a job. It's a physical job and I am in my late 40's and it's not what I used to do (not in my career) but at least it will give me sense of security so I'll be able to financially support myself for at least at beginning of this process. I am sure the whole divorce thingy is going to be the bad and the ugly! Yesterday I saw on his computer an Internet page open "Great! So you want to refinance the house". I've asked him "what is this about?" The reply was : "I click on ads so I make a bit of money from clicking on the ads". The page that was open was a "Lendingtree website, a financial service for refinance/loan against mortgage". I've been living with him for 25 years and I gave up my career. I am very afraid how am I going to be able to go on my own without any savings. It will take a while to divorce but having nothing in bank, other than lawyer's start up fees is scary!


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Rushwater said:


> Your husband is screwing other women physically and screwing you financially. You CAN find a lawyer that will work with you. If your husband makes six figures a year, you can get a lawyer to help you.
> 
> You think you are going crazy, because your brain is telling you that your husband's behavior is erratic, and nonsensical, and your heart is telling you that you cannot emotionally bare it. Your financial situation is your major stumbling block (at least in your mind).
> 
> ...


You are 100% correct! My goal is to get a job so I'll feel some sort of security and that I'd know that I'd get a paycheck. It's not going to be easy. But what I have right now is a lot worse I think. He has the money and those who have the money, have the power. He's living his double life and continues to lie to me with EVERYTHING. Yet he goes to bathroom (crying) when I tell him : "I want a divorce" I think that's manipulation too


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One other suggestion -- WHEN (not if) you go to a lawyer, indicate you need a forensic accountant to track all these funds and lack of payment. THEY can find where it is going (like if he opened a secret savings account for just him and he is taking your combined $$ and putting it there).

You WILL NOT be doing this without $$. A lawyer will make sure you get alimony (since HE makes way more than you), and child support, etc.. 

Go see a few lawyers and find out what divorce would look like -- this will take away your fear of the financial unknown.


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> One other suggestion -- WHEN (not if) you go to a lawyer, indicate you need a forensic accountant to track all these funds and lack of payment. THEY can find where it is going (like if he opened a secret savings account for just him and he is taking your combined $$ and putting it there).
> 
> You WILL NOT be doing this without $$. A lawyer will make sure you get alimony (since HE makes way more than you), and child support, etc..
> 
> Go see a few lawyers and find out what divorce would look like -- this will take away your fear of the financial unknown.


Thank you.
I will do that


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

anna2020 said:


> Thank you.
> I will do that


Sorry to be so blunt, but you have a very bad situation on your hands. You've been given some good suggestions on what to do. Now you need to go do it. If you don't take action soon, there's not much help to get from TAM.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Anna, you have let this terrible man who you call a husband lie to you over and over and should have taken some responsibility for where you find yourself. Now it is time to pull up your big girl panties and plan your counter attack. Do not tell him anything about what you are planning at all. Get your ducks in a row and proceed. Do not mention divorce, nothing. He is a liar and a master manipulator.

1. See the lawyer. Surely in the US there are pro-bono lawyers who will help you. Ensure you know all your rights and what you are entitled to.
2. They can also recommend a forensic accountant to trace all the money and where it has gone.
3. It sounds like your H may have another woman/family he is keeping or a gambling problem
4. Go out and open your own bank account/ stop giving him any money. If he asks tell him to explain every last bill and penny and where did hte savings all go to?
5. Do you have family close by you can depend on? Tell them or a close friend what is going on so they can support you.
6. Start doing the 180 on this man immediately to emotionally detach.
7. Go to classes to learn about personal finances, take them online if necessary.
8. Go into stealth mode and start monitoring him without him knowing, keep a journal (password protected on your pc/phone) of his movements, comments etc so that you maintain your resolve to get away
9. When he is not at home, go through all documents, make copies of important ones. You may be able to glean information from there on what he is doing and where the money is going. Get your hands on the bank statements and credit card statements and go through them in detail. That will show where the money is going. Is the house solely in his name?
10. Get a full health check (esp. for STDs).
11. Place a VAR in his car and in his office/room in the house, so you can see what he is up to.

You must toughen up and take action and if you do not want to stand up for yourself, at least stand up for your son and let him see his mother as a strong woman who will not be walked over by your POS H.
Play him at his own game. When he asks for money, say it is in my bank account, I will go tommorrow and sort it out. You can also delay and lie, he does not deserve someone who seems to be as transparent as you. Give him nothing. If he let's bill not be paid then it is abuse of a minor to not have the right facilities. Call the necessary agency (it is all in your H name so he will suffer the consequences). You need to start being smart and play him at his own game.
BTW you gives a damn if he makes a face, you continue to dig and call him out. Record all your interactions on your smart phone. If he denies saying anything you can always replay it back. You need to fight for your and your son's future now.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

@anna2020, how are you doing right now? What is your sit. rep.? Have you talked to a lawyer yet?


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

aine said:


> Get your hands on the bank statements and credit card statements and go through them in detail. That will show where the money is going. Is the house solely in his name?


THANK YOU Aine. Here's the problem.... he opened MANY accounts in EVERY bank possible!!! Like you drive on a street and there's a bank, he has an account there! He's very good with money and manipulating money! I found a note on his "notepad" it said "move $45,000" what $45000??? I don't know about no $45,000... it did not say move from where to where and where this money came from?!?! He got a raise at work! He's an executive now but his "salary" is still THE SAME as it was 4 years ago!!! I've talked to a lawyer who promised me the "moon" but first they promise you the "moon" then after you pay them large sum to get the ball rolling, then they start singing a different toon like "it's too difficult to trace the money" or something else....
I've contacted other lawyers and left messages. Nobody returned my phone calls. I'll try again!
He also has a side gig he does a lot of work for but he says "the gig hasn't paid him for 5 months" yet he does work for him.... I find it highly suspicious! 
He also has a co-worker's woman's photo on his phone! I asked him : "Please tell me, why a married man would have another woman's from his workplace photo on his phone??" He told me "you make it sound bad". I told him "go ask any married woman how they'd like their husbands having photos on their phones of random women...". He told me "he does NOT know how the photo appeared on his phone"..... I don't know who he thinks I am..... but it's total bs! Then he told me "go and delete that photo" I told him "I did not put that photo there to delete it"!


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## anna2020 (Dec 3, 2020)

Rushwater said:


> @anna2020, how are you doing right now? What is your sit. rep.? Have you talked to a lawyer yet?


Thanks Rushwater. I did talk to a lawyer. She said $2500 to get the ball rolling and then if she needs to go to court it's $360/hour. She's rated as TOP lawyer in my area. I am currently applying for a few jobs and when I'll get a job, I'll get the ball rolling. I need to have at least some financial stability before I proceed. The lawyer told me "she'll make him support me" but "talk is cheap" every process takes time and I'd need money to pay the bills and to support myself.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

anna2020 said:


> Thanks Rushwater. I did talk to a lawyer. She said $2500 to get the ball rolling and then if she needs to go to court it's $360/hour. She's rated as TOP lawyer in my area. I am currently applying for a few jobs and when I'll get a job, I'll get the ball rolling. I need to have at least some financial stability before I proceed. The lawyer told me "she'll make him support me" but "talk is cheap" every process takes time and I'd need money to pay the bills and to support myself.


You DEF need a lawyer who can get a good forensic accountant on the case. THAT person will find all of these many accounts and it will make sure that you have an accurate account of all of the overall financial picture of the marriage.
$$$ for the lawyers can be paid for out of all the money, and you can even have your H pay for your lawyer fees. It can all be worked out, but with this type of thing, make sure that the lawyer works with a good forensic accountant.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Anna, it sounds to me like you are so caught up in the lies, gaslighting, and shock that you are struggling with a few basic things you could start doing TODAY to help you get out of this situation.

Take $20 and your ID to a bank and open your own bank account. It takes about 15 minutes. Don't put his name on it. Tell them that he is not to be given access. Then don't give him a single cent when he asks. Now your money can't be taken from you unless you willingly hand it over.

Did you tell your lawyer that you don't have access to your financials? Do you have a debit card or credit card? Could you get a credit card on your own and pay the lawyer that way? Could you loan the money from a friend or family? If the lawyer you spoke to is not willing to work with you either by asking for all lawyer fees to be paid by your husband OR by getting you on a payment plan, then you need to talk to another lawyer. Women in your shoes get divorced without a dime to their names. It can and does happen. A good lawyer will work with you to find a solution. If this one won't and just wants money, DON'T hire her. She will screw you over to make an extra dollar.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

anna2020 said:


> Thanks Rushwater. I did talk to a lawyer. She said $2500 to get the ball rolling and then if she needs to go to court it's $360/hour. She's rated as TOP lawyer in my area. I am currently applying for a few jobs and when I'll get a job, I'll get the ball rolling. I need to have at least some financial stability before I proceed. The lawyer told me "she'll make him support me" but "talk is cheap" every process takes time and I'd need money to pay the bills and to support myself.


Hmmmm. Not sure who you spoke to, but there are lawyers who will take your case and help you out with the financials; ie. making your husband pay, or possibly a payment plan! Also, the more that your husband attempts to hide money from you, the worse that it is going to be for him in court. A forensic accountant can track down your WH's money and give that evidence to the court which will be very vigilant in making your husband pay for what he has done to you financially. The important thing here is this: 1) that you realize that your husband is bullsh!tting you into oblivion. He is absolutely having an affair (possibly more than one!) and you are nothing more than a glorified baby-sitter and housekeeper, WORKING FOR FREE!!!!!! 2) that you are 100% at the point of no return when it comes to the importance of getting a lawyer immediately! You and your children are all that matter now. Your husband has murdered your marriage and is now the ENEMY! I'm sorry that you are going through this. You do not deserve it and neither do your children. But, you will get through it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@anna2020 Some of what he is doing might be illegal.

Call your local police to flag up the situation.


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