# intimacy after assualt



## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask, but it was the only place I could think of. When I mention intimacy I don't mean like sexual, I mean just the regular touching.

For a long time I thought that I couldn't just touch his skin due to sensitivity. I would say I don't like the feel of his hands, always moist. Every night and morning he gives me a kiss, but I just...sit there, sort of freeze. I don't return it. I don't even look at him, or let him know that I received it. I know that's wrong but I just...don't know what else to do, nothing feels natural to me (?).

I really just didn't like being touched. It is much different with the kids because I am always hugging them, so I don't know why I can't give him the same. I know sometimes that makes him sad when I hug them and not him. <Not sure what's wrong with me>

Today things got a bit rough and for a moment we thought about splitting up temporarily but then we realized that the reason was because there was distance. I haven't been sharing how I have been feeling emotionally. He said nothing hurts him more than when we argue and I say, you have no idea how I feel. I know I have been withdrawing, I have been cold, ungiving, in my inability to heal I have prevented him from healing as well.

Today he cried and for the first time I think in almost a year or a half or so I let him cry in my arms. Normally I feel weak for being...open and warm, to talk in a sweet voice, to be giving. I found it rewarding when I gave it my best shot, when I gave him that affection, spoke in a soft tone, listened, admitted my faults, and spoke about what I haven't done in this relationship and that he has done the brunt of the work--- but...

I'm not sure how to continue doing it. I don't know how to keep on being that way. I want to be that way, but...I don't know how to keep it up. :scratchhead:

I think a lot of this stems from all the stuff that happened to me growing up with the abuse. I don't know I guess we realized that there was a wall wrapped around me, and that I needed to be more open, sharing, and that for the relationship to survive I had to give too not just him.

But how? Do I just suck in my breath and touch his face? My body stiffened as he touched my face earlier today. I just...intimacy is such a foreign topic for me I just, grrr. Does anybody know, how I can be more intimate (not sexually), just more 'touchy' feely stuff that people do, that cuddling, sweet talk, communication (It feels so foreign and silly to me, yet I desire it) how do you tolerate it, or how do you get to a point where you're giving I just--the closest we get to mutually intimacy right now is when I shave his head after he lets it grow out (every couple of months).

Bleh. I had no where I could think of that I could ask so I thought I'd come here but I'm not sure  Is there any advice or...


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

, like just now he came up behind me <scaring the crap out of me> and asked if I could just lay down and just hold him. How do people who have intimacy issues feel more comfortable and natural, is it the more you do it the more it feels less foreign? 

I am a little nervous, but I'm going now. But any advice would be much appreciated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

XiaSulin said:


> and asked if I could just lay down and just hold him.


aahhhh that's so sad. your poor H. mine actually asks me the same thing. i think he feels terribly neglected that way. 

i dont believe in forcing yourself to be affectionate. i believe in respecting how you feel. if you dont feel like being affectionate, then there's a good reason even if you dont consciously know it. that is how i feel about my situation. i know my H craves the touching, but i cant stand it anymore. i have my reasons and although i think its sad for him, well, we all have our battles in this life. c'est la vive.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

I don't know your history, but I have dealt with sexual trauma in my life and also have issues with intimacy. Not exactly the same way you do... I'm more of a deprived cuddle craver than a resister (but not without a whole slew of other issues). 
First of all, I empathize with your frustration and can sense the sadness that lingers there. It breaks my own heart to think about how you must feel every day, as well as how your H must feel, so isolated and lonely... I don't know if you are receiving any type of help for your issues, but I think dealing with these frustrations would be easier on your husbands part if he knew that you were trying. Rather, actively trying to cope and overcome, not just marinating and reacting. I know with my own issues, my husband tends to be more supportive if he feels that I am working toward a solution somehow, not just sitting stagnant (which can be frustrating at times because it's not easy to keep moving forward)... 

He will know if you are wincing when you touch him, and making yourself uncomfortable in this way could have the opposite effect of what you're looking for. Is there some way you can stretch yourself and still feel relatively safe? Is that a conversation perhaps you could have with your H? As silly as it might feel to discuss your own needs... start with something, even if its as simple as "I need you to turn off the closet light when you come to bed," and work your way up, slowly, from there. 

Good luck. I feel for you.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI

sharing from personal experience

see responses below yours

I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask, but it was the only place I could think of. When I mention intimacy I don't mean like sexual, I mean just the regular touching.

Judith: Well when we have been abused-our touch thing nonsexually has been hurt emotionally. We need healing as a woman with touch.

For a long time I thought that I couldn't just touch his skin due to sensitivity. I would say I don't like the feel of his hands, always moist. Every night and morning he gives me a kiss, but I just...sit there, sort of freeze. I don't return it. I don't even look at him, or let him know that I received it. I know that's wrong but I just...don't know what else to do, nothing feels natural to me (?).

Judith: IT sounds to me you need healing in your emotions with regard to the abuse. I felt the same thing about not wanting contact with a man. It will take time as you work trhough things for it to start to become natural. In a book on Sexual Healing by Wendy Maltz-she recommends six weeks off of sex. But if you could alternate-or have him help you heal from your abuse. 

I really just didn't like being touched. It is much different with the kids because I am always hugging them, so I don't know why I can't give him the same. I know sometimes that makes him sad when I hug them and not him. <Not sure what's wrong with me>

Judith: Becuase you have no fear iwth the kids and -haven't been hurt by them

Today things got a bit rough and for a moment we thought about splitting up temporarily but then we realized that the reason was because there was distance. I haven't been sharing how I have been feeling emotionally. He said nothing hurts him more than when we argue and I say, you have no idea how I feel. I know I have been withdrawing, I have been cold, ungiving, in my inability to heal I have prevented him from healing as well.

Judith: It is important taht you talk about how you feel even though he may not understand. It helps him to understand what is going on ni sex and touch, arousal, etc.

Today he cried and for the first time I think in almost a year or a half or so I let him cry in my arms. Normally I feel weak for being...open and warm, to talk in a sweet voice, to be giving. I found it rewarding when I gave it my best shot, when I gave him that affection, spoke in a soft tone, listened, admitted my faults, and spoke about what I haven't done in this relationship and that he has done the brunt of the work--- but...

Judith: That sounds healing

I'm not sure how to continue doing it. I don't know how to keep on being that way. I want to be that way, but...I don't know how to keep it up.

Judith: It takes time. To become that way in a manageable way. Healing from the emotional pain of the past-will help tremendously. 

I think a lot of this stems from all the stuff that happened to me growing up with the abuse. I don't know I guess we realized that there was a wall wrapped around me, and that I needed to be more open, sharing, and that for the relationship to survive I had to give too not just him.

Judith: It takes time for you to be able to give -if you need to heal from the abuse. It takes time for us women to bring down the self protective wall we created because of the abuse. 

But how? Do I just suck in my breath and touch his face? My body stiffened as he touched my face earlier today. 

Judtih: Can you let the feelings of the past heal by expressing them emtoionally and so on. Step 2 in the healing process is healing the painful feelings of the past and so that the healthy ones can come out. He can help you do that since he is your partner. 

I just...intimacy is such a foreign topic for me I just, grrr. Does anybody know, how I can be more intimate (not sexually), just more 'touchy' feely stuff that people do, that cuddling, sweet talk, communication

Judith: It takes practice and time for it to become a habit. We do it with the will and our feelings follow

(It feels so foreign and silly to me, yet I desire it) how do you tolerate it, or how do you get to a point where you're giving I just--the closest we get to mutually intimacy right now is when I shave his head after he lets it grow out (every couple of months).

Judith: It will feel foreign for while due to the abuse. It takes time to heal so taht it isn't tolerated

Bleh. I had no where I could think of that I could ask so I thought I'd come here but I'm not sure Is there any advice or...

Your thoughts? 

Judith


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## mommyof31982 (Sep 6, 2010)

thats rough. I also dont think you should act a certain way if you don't feel that way BUT if you have never learned how to love in that way then it would take some practice. I dont know what kind of abuse you endured as a child, from the way you are abundantly affectionate with your children I would bet that you were neglected in that fashion.

As children we learn everything from the parental figures in our lives- we learn how to eat, how to dress ourselves etc and we also learn actions of love. If you are a from a family that was never affectionate then you wouldnt know how to share love in that way as an adult.

Dont know if I am even close but if it is...Practice makes perfect- Get to lovin


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