# Wife with low self esteem is very disrespectful and ungrateful



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Brief background:
I am in my early 40s and wife is in late 30s. We have been married for 14 years and kids 9 and 5. We are both originally from India and living in the US for about 15 years.

We got married in India and she came here to join me. She is a very intelligent person academically but she made some wrong choices and did very poorly in college. She suffers from low self esteem. Sometime similar happened to me too, so I wanted to send her to school here in the US so she could get her confidence back. So I sent her to a school here for Masters and she did very well in it. I paid for it myself, this was around 2003. I wasn't making a whole lot then, but I didn't care about it. Then she got pregnant, and we had a child in 2004 so she decided to not look for work. That extended on and she became a SAHM. Then we had another child some years later.

I am in the software industry and the downturn caused me to lose my job once in 2004 but I got another one quickly. I have been very careful in our spending and saved enough to move into the best neighborhood in our town with good schools, something my wife gives high importance to. Until now, she had not contributed a single cent in income, but had taken care of kids and the house. 

I know that deep down she wants to work, so this year I began to urge her. She wanted to do some work from home jobs, but I said go out and meet people, don't worry about expenses, we will pay for childcare. Through some friends, I enrolled her in a skills class, paid $700, bought her a new laptop for $350 and managed the kids when she was gone to class every Sat for 4 weeks. Helped her with resume, applied in many places, tried my contacts etc. In Aug she found a job through her classmate who went to the same class. I was thrilled and we celebrated.

During her SAHM years, she made some friends with other Indian ladies who do nothing but gossip and talk about money and one of them is toxic that she talks about how awesome her husband is and how he loves her and buys her stuff. Everything she claims is awesome with her life. My wife bought into it and began to compare me adversely with her husband. Men don't like being compared like that, I could have also asked her why she didn't look like some friend of hers, she would not have liked that. But I did not. The friend is still in a townhouse but we are in a single family house because I saved and her husband blew their money on cars and other things to show off. His decision.

In Oct, I lost my job at a startup company. I am looking and it's been a month and I think I will get something in 2 weeks or so. It is a difficult time for me and she is now working and I am not. She is making 50% of what I used to make and is in a temp job with no benefits. It was okay as long as I had a job but I lost mine so pressure is building on me. I was planning on getting rid of my beatup 16 year old car (I got her a nice new SUV 3 years ago) and treat myself with a BMW car but I lost my job and I don't feel like buying one when I don't have a job. 

All my wife seems is imaginary negatives in me. I have taken good care of my family and put myself through hell with bad bosses, bad economy but she's never even said anything complimentary to me. It's always about how hard she works, how hard she's had it, she she she. I think she is a very selfish person and my affection for her is reducing every day. Sex is almost non existent, maybe once a month and she makes big noises about how all I care about is sex. More than that, I am sad that she doesn't respect me at all. And I don't know why.

Her father is a despicable character, sleazy and unethical. I hate this about him but I think she is used to looking up to a man like that who will bend any rules as long as his short term needs are met (long term be damned).

In their family, they have this notion of "emotional blackmail". Everyone blackmails one another. Now her dad is blackmailing his daughter (my wife) but not calling or emailing from India because he is probably looking to make her feel guilty and break her down. So now he gets the upper hand. I think she is trying the same tactics on me, which she's grown up around. Everything is manipulation and she doesn't even know it.

This morning, she had to work and work on her job from home so she got mad that I was "relaxing" when all I was doing was sitting on the couch. Then she started banging the drawers and doing crazy things. She is having her period now so she goes totally nuts and says a lot of mean hurtful things about me. I am mentally very low right now and she is making things worse.

When her PMS is over, she will want to make peace again and be friends again. Then the same cycle repeats next month.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't know where to go from here, if someone can help, please reply and ask more questions and I will give more details. I thought that working would improve her self image and confidence and she would love me better because I made it happen to a large extent, but all she does is blame me for making her work but at the same time she doesn't want to quit (and neither do I want her to). 

I think it was a big mistake that I let her not work and sit around with the kids for so many years, she doesn't realize how hard it is to manage a household and get an income. She got influenced by a lot of worthless gossipy Indian women who lie to make themselves look good and my low esteem wife gets angry at me for not giving her that lifestyle that others claim to have (but not really).


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound very fun. If I'm understanding this right, she wants you to spoil her and throws temper tantrums if you don't spend enough money on her. In my opinion, that's not love. 

I don't have any advice for you, you seem to be trying really hard to appease her. Have you tried to get her to go to counselling? Or maybe find a new group of friends?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Kresaera said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this. It doesn't sound very fun. If I'm understanding this right, she wants you to spoil her and throws temper tantrums if you don't spend enough money on her. In my opinion, that's not love.
> 
> I don't have any advice for you, you seem to be trying really hard to appease her. Have you tried to get her to go to counselling? Or maybe find a new group of friends?


She has self confidence issues against her sister who portrays herself to be confident and cool on Facebook and elsewhere. The sister has been a working woman and had 2 kids but doesn't really care about them. My wife has been a good mother.

I am conservative when it comes to money because we spent $100k on an MBA for me, bought an expensive house, all on my single income. It was hard and I had to put up with a lot of crap to achieve this. No help from anyone. Instead of appreciating the fact that I earned enough so she could be a SAHM and enjoy our kids, all she does is ***** and moan an complain. She's now complaining that all our 14 years have been stressful and she has not been able to enjoy. Welcome to the real world! How has my life been? At least now with my job gone, we are financially comfortable until I find myself a new job (hopefully in a couple of weeks). 

I feel that she feels inferior deep down and her way to cope with it is to tell me that I am as much of a loser as she (thinks she) is. So we both are losers and this may be making her cope with it.

I don't understand, I am the ONLY one in the world who has her best interest in mind, even her parents favor her sister, and her friends, some of them are jealous that we bought a house and have been trying to make her feel bad and cause trouble. Our kids are small. Her sister has been jealous of her since childhood, since my wife was academically much better and way way more good looking. 

This behavior manifests itself when she is having her period. She gets very vicious and says nasty hurtful insensitive things. I used to respond and it would escalate, but off late, with my issues, I just keep quiet and say nothing. This makes her even angrier and she comes by looking to pick a fight by saying things she hopes will trigger me. Then she can blame my action/words from a few minutes prior and make that the focus of the fight. Ladies, any insight on how I deal with her when she is having a period? Yes, we are very stressed right now but I am more so than her and instead of boosting my morale, she is being selfish and complaining that she cannot have more fun.

I think we need to break away from that couple who is the most toxic. But then, with her confidence issues, anyone who calls her and says something good happened to them turns into a rage against me for supposedly not providing her with that. How can we run away from everyone? In the Indian community, many people like to show off and women like to yammer on about how their husband got promoted/got a big bonus etc. In reality, when I talk to the husbands, they tell me a different story.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Uggg. I should probably write a long piece, trying to explain your wife's behaviour and making suggestions as to how you might change her (therapy) and yourself (stand up to her). Frankly, though, she sounds like a witch and I don't feel like being 'fair' to her. You sound like a good guy,, a victim of your own decency. Soooo,,,,,

- ,,,,, next time she tells you, after serving up your monthly sex ration, that "All you care about is sex.", tell her, "Actually, all I care about is happiness and I've realised I'm never gonna find it with you. So, pack your bags full of the things I bought you and pìss off back to India, you leech!" 

That oughta fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Uggg. I should probably write a long piece, trying to explain your wife's behaviour and making suggestions as to how you might change her (therapy) and yourself (stand up to her). Frankly, though, she sounds like a witch and I don't feel like being 'fair' to her. You sound like a good guy,, a victim of your own decency. Soooo,,,,,
> 
> - ,,,,, next time she tells you, after serving up your monthly sex ration, that "All you care about is sex.", tell her, "Actually, all I care about is happiness and I've realised I'm never gonna find it with you. So, pack your bags full of the things I bought you and pìss off back to India, you leech!"
> 
> ...


I think a witch is too extreme, but I think she is selfish and manipulative to get what she wants. And has some basic problems with logic. She gloats about how she's done so much for the kids and spent so much time with them. That is true, and they have turned out very well. But what is unsaid is she did all of that standing on my shoulders. I went to work, I brought home a 6 figure paycheck so that she could stay at home and do her projects with the kids, take them to classes that I paid for. I took the extra stress of being the only paycheck and took a lot of crap from bosses in the past because I didn't want to lose my job. Other husbands were relaxed, and took more career risks because their wives worked and had roughly 60% more money in the house. Yes, they looked relaxed. And my wife once had the gall to point to someone and say "see how relaxed he is!". Yes, because his wife works and so the stress levels are lower. 

I think she uses sex as a carrot. I feel that I should stop all physical expressions of love. No hugging, no massaging, no sex. Usually at nights, she rests her head on my shoulder in bed and we watch TV. I should not encourage it. She has to earn it, I think she's gotten everything easily and for free, so these things have no value.

That said, I don't like to say that I am perfect and have no flaws. But I will say that I have very good intentions and wishes and hopes for her personal future. I have taken great care of my family. I want her to feel fulfilled at work. She's accused me of lusting after the money she brings in. Umm.. I drive a 16 year old beat up car with windows falling off that I got before I married her. I was about to buy a nice BMW but this layoff happened. I can afford the BMW even now, but I don't feel right to buy when I don't have a job. It's my problem. I fail to see where I am being selfish and making her do things I don't do myself. That is another thing I wanted someone here to help me explore.

She does all the cooking but we go out a few times a week (I pay through my earnings). She does almost all the laundry but recently I have started doing mine (she does the kids'). She is not good at keeping the house clean and we both do it more or less. I do all the outside work like trash, mowing lawn shovelling, car gas, repair etc.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I knew that with all my Indian connections I had to have a doppelgänger from India somewhere 

A first basic question - you portray a picture of someone that's (relatively) emotionally unstable. Do you feel this? 

[Now I have a bunch of Desi buddies who are all married and know of exactly one case like that - they divorced after 10 years and no kids. All the Desi ladies I know are very nice and so on (but married bummer). ]

The second question - how is she with your kids? Supportive? Distant? Super mom? Your mentioned she did the right things but did she see it as a chore or duty or did she actually enjoy the role?

And the final question: is she able to handle work stress well? Did this start after she got a job? 

The part about comparing - everyone does that after a while. Temple function galas, picnics, the works. Everything over the top . 

Question #1 is key.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

"I think it was a big mistake that I let her not work and sit around with the kids for so many years, she doesn't realize how hard it is to manage a household and get an income" Hello she was a SAHM Mom for those years taking care of YOUR children, that's the most important job. I doubt she was sitting around much. I know I don't. I better never hear my husband say that about me. He wouldn't he knows better and so should you. She does realize how hard it is to manage a household and get an income because that is what she is doing now. 


She doesn't respect you because you aren't working, and that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. She shouldn't treat you that way I agree. Hopefully once you are employed again she will be more respectful to you.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She doesn't respect you because you aren't working, and that's why she doesn't want to have sex with you. She shouldn't treat you that way I agree. Hopefully once you are employed again she will be more respectful to you.


I don't think so. I got laid off in October, 4 weeks ago. We've been married 14 years and I've always been working. The lack of sex started after our kids were born. She seemed to have turned her focus on them and away from me. And she justifies it saying they are our kids, don't you want me to focus on them? But that doesn't mean not care about your husband. When the kids are gone, I am afraid we will be strangers. And besides, if she loved me only because I had a job, then I shouldn't be with her. I should probably go find someone who would truly love me in any situation.

The kids are grown now and don't need her very much. They did when they were infants and very little. She did a very good job with them. Later on, she would just create work to justify her overbearing presence in their lives. She got very overbearing and that was what I meant.

She has almost always been disrespectful because she compares with other people in our circle and thinks they have more than she does. Of course, that's not true. Some people have more of something and less of something else. Overall, we are doing well in what we have. She just wants everything that everybody has and I am not a millionaire to provide that.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

john117 said:


> I knew that with all my Indian connections I had to have a doppelgänger from India somewhere
> 
> A first basic question - you portray a picture of someone that's (relatively) emotionally unstable. Do you feel this?


I think this is correct. She is always looking to blame someone for all problems. And that someone is always me. She inherits this from her father, who also blame other people. This, even though I am the only one who has demonstrated that I take care of her. Many other's including her dad and sister just talk sweet stuff but don't do anything for her. In fact they put her down in subtle ways.



> [Now I have a bunch of Desi buddies who are all married and know of exactly one case like that - they divorced after 10 years and no kids. All the Desi ladies I know are very nice and so on (but married bummer). ]


"desi" ha ha nice to hear you use that. My wife is very pretty and very intelligent. If only she had some empathy in her for anyone but our kids.



> The second question - how is she with your kids? Supportive? Distant? Super mom? Your mentioned she did the right things but did she see it as a chore or duty or did she actually enjoy the role?


She is a supermom. Always looking for ways to improve them. She has done a great job with them and very selflessly. I worry she hovers around them too much and the kids will want to get away and she will feel rejected. She enjoys being a mom. But she thinks she does everything when in reality, we both have done our part. She could do nothing if not for my steady income all these years.



> And the final question: is she able to handle work stress well? Did this start after she got a job?
> 
> The part about comparing - everyone does that after a while. Temple function galas, picnics, the works. Everything over the top .
> 
> Question #1 is key.


She has a very high view of herself in what she can manage. She wants other people to think highly of her and so she signs up for everything even if she cannot manage them. Rarely pushes back. Then she stresses out because she is afraid to fail and what will people think of her? Then she blames me on made-up reasons to ease her stress. I have no idea how her needing to work extra over a weekend is my fault. It has increased after her job (started in Aug), but even otherwise, she takes up too much and gets angry that she cannot do all of it and then blames me for not helping her. Many projects she takes up are a waste of my time, I have my hands full with more important things. She never helps me in my chores.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

[Brief pause while John frantically searches his house looking for Mrs. OP  instead of his own wife...]

There are lots of similarities in our backgrounds and stories. Considering my wife could easily pass for Indian I gotta wonder.... She's from one of the -istan countries northwest of India, I'm European. Married for nearly 3 decades. Wife is the obligatory IT consultant, I work in electronic product design. 

A lot of what you describe is not out of character from a lot of the world. The married, pays for wife's grad school, wife stays home with kids, super mom, compares lifestyles, finally gets job and is stressed working gulag hours is straight out of the textbook. Seen it more times than I can remember.

What is not normal is the magnitude of the peaks and valleys in her emotional state. A job is a job, that's all there is to it. It's not life. Life is life (I did ace the verbal GRE, I know I know).

You reach a point in your 40s or later and wonder why the F i spent a decade in college to do this or that. That too is normal. But what is not all that normal is her reaction. 

Two options, both involving the dreaded T word. 

If she was more reasonable when you were younger, and did not have this massive drama queen component to her, she's probably stressed out from work and worried silly about money and her job. Be supportive and if it comes to that suggest seeing a therapist - together or individual - work stress impacts them different than us. 

If she was always like this you may have something more to worry about. Look up a poster here called Uptown who is very familiar with a personality disorder called BPD. He's got a lot of good material handy. BPD is not DIY material and is rather tough to deal with. A therapist (preferably a phd psychologist) could take a look. 

Second case more likely if there is family history on her side of mental issues...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, if you exude the attitude towards your wife's role as a SAHM at home the way you do here, it's no wonder she's angry with you. You seem to feel that your role is more important than hers, and that she basically sat around the entire time bludging off your dime.

I'm a SAHW, and I don't sit around all day. I am busier than when I worked full time. Your wife could argue that you have been able to achieve all you have in your career because SHE was running the house and raising the children.

You two need marriage counselling to help you learn better ways to communicate and bring out the best in each other, not this constant "You did this much but I did THIS much!".


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

frusdil said:


> OP, if you exude the attitude towards your wife's role as a SAHM at home the way you do here, it's no wonder she's angry with you. You seem to feel that your role is more important than hers, and that she basically sat around the entire time bludging off your dime.
> 
> I'm a SAHW, and I don't sit around all day. I am busier than when I worked full time. Your wife could argue that you have been able to achieve all you have in your career because SHE was running the house and raising the children.
> 
> You two need marriage counselling to help you learn better ways to communicate and bring out the best in each other, not this constant "You did this much but I did THIS much!".


My role is equal to hers, not above or below.
The attitude I get from her is that working outside is not a big deal, but being a mom is the hardest thing in the world. Basically negating my contribution.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

nirvana said:


> My role is equal to hers, not above or below.
> The attitude I get from her is that working outside is not a big deal, but being a mom is the hardest thing in the world. Basically negating my contribution.


Thanks for clarifying that. That's not on.

I am a SAHW but I know that is only possible because my husband is able to support us well on his salary. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to stay at home - and I thank him for it often.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Your wife sounds very unhappy and is making it worse by comparing herself to others that, in her mind, are more successful. She is overly concerned with image...and wants to find someone or something to to blame....right now, it's you.

It is very human to fall in this trap, especially for your wife who seems to come from a very antagonistic family who don't convey love and acceptance for each other. If she wasn't raised with full acceptance, then she will spend her life and energy to try to earn what she lacked...believing that being and looking the best will earn for herself a love medal.

Unfortunately, contentment and self-love may not be a perception that you can teach to your wife as she will likely not want to hear it or is able to even show respect. It is in your best interest to stick to your boundaries, but also work with your wife to establish goals that may help restore her hope that you as a family are making headway.

You are not responsible to make her happy...that is impossible, but it is your duty to meet her needs however possible AND establish boundaries to protect your family..even if it means to limit interaction with wife's family if they indeed are toxic to her mental health. 

Only love and supportive talk are permitted in your household...speech that is honoring. So be sure that you are honoring your wife and set a boundary that she is honoring you. If she disrespects you, then lovingly tell her that you will not be talked to in such a manner, so if she wants a REAL conversation then there must be mutual respect. Repeat this is much as necessary..and at ALL TIMES, be patient, gentle, calm. Do not get baited into an argument for that means you gave into a power struggle that you already lost.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Marriage is sometimes messy. I am sure it is hard for both of you that you are out of work. I would encourage you to diligently seek employment. Not having any benefits, in addition to reduced income, is surely stressful to both of you.

How about saying, "I feel hurt when I hear that," when she says something you find disrespectful? She might start to communicate with you in that way, too. It lets both of you know when the other has been hurtful, even if unintentionally.

The best advice I can give, though, is to thoughtfully consider why your wife might be upset with you. Anytime my husband or I have been upset with each other, there has always been at least a grain of truth to our expressed frustration. 

It takes humility to look at that grain of truth, OP. But it is the difference between getting defensive and actually learning and improving oneself. Showing an openness to listening and taking steps to working on yourself can be the beginning to bettering the relationship.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

She is resentful, angry and lacks confidence because you are not letting her lead her life the way she wants. You are directing her life, telling her she needs better education and to return to work and contribute financially. What she hears is your disappointment in her education level and that raising the kids isn't enough of a contribution. 
And now that you are unemployed she is really ticked off because you have forced her into a position where she is supporting the family financially, probably not how she sees her role.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and supporting your wife to better her life, but what if she liked things the way they were? You shouldn't tell her she needs to get a degree, or take advanced training so she can work at the job you pick for her, that needs to be her dream. 

To me it sounds as if both of you are resentful of the other....you are forcing her into roles she doesn't want and she doesn't believe you are supporting her the way a man should.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Thanks for clarifying that. That's not on.
> 
> I am a SAHW but I know that is only possible because my husband is able to support us well on his salary. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be able to stay at home - and I thank him for it often.



That's because you know how hard it is to earn a dollar/pound. My wife thinks it is easy and she just has 2 months working experience. Men love to be appreciated especially by their wives. My wife is all about herself.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

jld said:


> Marriage is sometimes messy. I am sure it is hard for both of you that you are out of work. I would encourage you to diligently seek employment. Not having any benefits, in addition to reduced income, is surely stressful to both of you.
> 
> How about saying, "I feel hurt when I hear that," when she says something you find disrespectful? She might start to communicate with you in that way, too. It lets both of you know when the other has been hurtful, even if unintentionally.
> 
> ...


jld, I am very aggressively looking for a job and have some things in the works. Hope they click and I should be back in a week or two. I am financially responsible and have a lot of savings so the money part isn't stressful. By my wife is too insensitive to realize what she has. 

She keeps saying that she does "all the work". All the work?? I have been supporting us 100% for 14 years. She has a good life, nice car, nice house, not having to work, exercise class, zumba class, etc etc. She cooks (does a great job) and cleans (does a sloppy job of keeping house) but she certainly does not do more than 50%. She is a supermom who has nothing in her mind but her kids and she is finding it hard to maintain those standards, hence the anger. Working moms on the other hand have lower standards in comparison and only sign up for what they can handle. How can there be a solution to this when she is blind to what I do? She is influenced by a few toxic friends of hers (Indian too) who gloat about how they control their husbands. The husband in one case also talks the same language though he does not allow it in reality. It's a big show but my wife is influenced and angry that she cannot 'control' me. 
If she could control like she wants, she would lose respect for me. Her father is a weak minded unethical person who has no leadership. Maybe she judges all men with that benchmark.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Cooper said:


> She is resentful, angry and lacks confidence because you are not letting her lead her life the way she wants. You are directing her life, telling her she needs better education and to return to work and contribute financially. What she hears is your disappointment in her education level and that raising the kids isn't enough of a contribution.
> And now that you are unemployed she is really ticked off because you have forced her into a position where she is supporting the family financially, probably not how she sees her role.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with encouraging and supporting your wife to better her life, but what if she liked things the way they were? You shouldn't tell her she needs to get a degree, or take advanced training so she can work at the job you pick for her, that needs to be her dream.
> ...



No, this is wrong. She has never complained about me helping her get an education. She is happy about it and it makes her feel good. She also wants to work, and is happy she has a job now. But she cannot manage it in the way she thinks she can. She thinks a job is easy and people at work are nice and sweet. She is seeing some reality though. She has a Masters Degree in Info Systems, so there is nothing for me to be disappointed about. I paid for her education completely and paid for a new car for her to drive to school. Of course, she's never thanked me for any of this. She put in her 100% into her school and did well and I am proud of her.

She is not supporting the family. I am, with my savings. And my investing. I have a lot of savings in 14 years. She makes half of what I used to make until a month ago. FYI, we don't live "paycheck to paycheck" like many. In net earnings, she does not even have 1% of what I have earned so financially, she is not supporting us.

I am sorry Cooper, you are way wrong here. Thanks for your reply though.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Lila said:


> Nirvana:
> 
> Do you tell your wife how proud you are of her for getting back into the workplace and doing what she can to support the family? Are you supportive of her decision to go back to work?
> 
> ...


Of course I do. I helped her put together her resume, made a Linkedin profile for her, gave her tips on how to go about through contacts, and most importantly, told her to keep in touch with her classmates from her course she took in April so that if someone found a job, she could know where the jobs were and try to get in through that person. She did that and got a job at the same place as a classmate. She did all the work, but I gave her the idea. On her first day I told her how awesome she looked, took pictures of her going to work. I got her a tollway pass so that she wouldn't have to deal with toll money every day. I fill up gas for her every week even now. I am 100% in favor of her going and have been telling her to start for a few years now and that she was wasting her talent and intelligence. She is really intelligent and hard working and can do more than just be a SAHM (which she did well too).

Are you saying I need to cut back on the doing and do more "talking"? That's what her dad does and he seems to be more successful than I am in being the "good guy" (until recently).

Your second paragraph is interesting. Could you please elaborate? I really might be missing something but I don't know what. She still does the cooking (she doesn't like what can make and I haven't cooked regularly in 10 years). I do a lot of the cleaning and tidying, about the same as her. She has a habit of keeping junk and I justeliminate them when she isn't looking because otherwise she will want it even though she doesn't miss if gone. I spend more time with our kids on their education, she does too. She does a good job on that. 

Her problem is she doesn't want to relax and kick back even on weekends. She takes a perverse pride that she wakes up at 7am on Saturday and praises herself that her mind is active. Then she complains and complains that she is tired. It's like she has this intense need to be praised (like her dad and sister) but when I do, she gives me "I am much better than you!" vibes. Do you recommend I just suck it up? I am trying to understand her psychology. Please understand that by no means is she the "provider". This is a weird temporary very rare situation that has just cropped up and will go away soon.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Lila, We are posting here and the tone of voice is missing and I cannot add all details in here even though I try to add as much as I can. 

No, I don't think I am better than her nor do I tell her that. I just want to be equal partners in raising our family. It would be nice if she acknowledged my contributions. In most Indian families, both husband and wife work. That's why Indian families in the US are upper middle class. My wife wants to be in that group and have that lifestyle, but for long was reluctant to work though she wanted to be a working woman. This is contradictory, I know. But I think she was nervous about making the jump and also feeling guilty that she would neglect the kids. Now that she has made the jump, she enjoys it, though she complains about being tired (which she is). But then I am tired too. I am not sitting around doing nothing now. I am actively looking for jobs, actively studying new technologies and working on my investing. It's like a full day, I dress up like I am at work and am on the computer learning and applying, I don't sit around in pajamas in front of the TV.

When she comes back from work, I make her coffee so she can sit and refresh herself after the commute. She used to do this for me but somewhere down the road she decided that I should come back from work and make us both coffee because she was tired of watching the kids. So I would do it.

Yes, I do many of the tasks you mention above as a SAHP. I drop and pick up the kids, she hasn't done it in a month. I help out with the grocery, though she still does more of it.I do my own laundry earlier she used to do everyone's. But don't forget the chores that I used to do and still do. When I go back to work in some time, she won't help me with those like mowing the lawn or clearing the snow.

I am not expecting a super clean home. Just don't let the kids mess it up, that makes a big difference. The problem is she allows them to trash the place and is too nice to tell them to clean it up. Then she complains that the house is dirty and wants me to clean it. The kids are old enough to do it.

As for "provider", it's just some nomenclature. I told you that I have financially provided for more than 99% of our assets. Of course, she has done her part, but not financially until now. One time I said in a light hearted way that she was now the working person and I was the stay at home person and her reaction wasn't in the same way. She said but don't stretch it, keep trying and go back to work (which I am doing). She doesn't like a stay at home husband because in the Indian community it is looked down upon and it's like the husband is a bum (which I am not). I have 2 Masters degees, one in Engineering and another an MBA from a top school and I have been making 6 figures+ for about 10 years.

There are some cultural differences that you also need to know here.

Anyway, I love my wife and am not looking to leave her or anything. I just want to be appreciated for what I do instead of all the nagging and complaining and comparing. Not sure if that's ever going to be possible.


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