# At a crossroads...



## Jason_C (Oct 27, 2009)

I am not a cheater. I would like to get that out there right away because stories like this one tend to be misconstrued and the readers get stuck on the probabilities of infidelity and how wrong that is. 

I would like to also clarify a few simple truths, 1. A Marriage is not a reasonable enough excuse to lead a life of frustration and unhappiness. I understand the virtue of commitment and the responsibility that you are shouldering when you are married. 2. When seeking to end a marriage, both parties need to realize that they are about to effect many people to include family AND friends but most importantly their children. There is a responsibility to those who need to see a healthy outcome of a divorce. I actually believe that you can have a successful marriage even when you are divorced, and the measure of that success is how you handle it and how you treat each other afterward. 

And on to my story...

I am a man in my mid 40's and have been married to my wife of 11 years. We have a fantastic little guy that we are both extremely devoted to and would do anything to ensure his present and future happiness. We have had a realization that we are not the best of partners and have struggles all the time in many different areas that never seem to be resolved. I have accepted this as part of the life I must lead and even though we are unhappy about whom we are with, we both recognize that raising a son (who is on the spectrum, PDD NOS) requires a little more determination in this issue of ours. 

I am a private contractor and have a partner in my business that has been working with me for quite some time and to make shorter version of this story will simply say that we both have realized that our relationship has taken a certain route that has us both wondering about a romantic involvement. We both understand each other and she has me quite taken with constant thoughts of her and at events (where we both dress quite formally) I have been known to catch my breath at the sight of her. I truly believe I am falling for this woman and we have discussed our feelings for each other just yesterday. 

I am very confused about what to do next... I feel that my professing a love for someone else is grounds enough to extinguish my marriage. I feel bad that it has happened this way and my devotion to our common interests has kept me in the relationship this long. At a termination of this marriage I will stand to loose all that I have worked for for this many years and am terribly saddened at the lost opportunities and dreams that we both have driven toward. 

However, I also am concerned about the validity of my relationship with my partner in business, she is quite younger than I am and my feeling toward her are genuine. We have not acted in any physical way toward each other and agree that it would not be right to do so. But the requirement for anything to begin would be the termination of my current marriage. 

So I am asking you to give me a little something to help out. I am feeling like someone lost and have been unable to even move forward with anything in my life. I need to resolve all loose ends and want and need some guidance. and plead with you to be considerate in your response... I am seriously at my wits end and would appreciate any real advice


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Jason_C said:


> I am not a cheater. I would like to get that out there right away because stories like this one tend to be misconstrued and the readers get stuck on the probabilities of infidelity and how wrong that is.
> 
> I would like to also clarify a few simple truths, 1. A Marriage is not a reasonable enough excuse to lead a life of frustration and unhappiness. I understand the virtue of commitment and the responsibility that you are shouldering when you are married. 2. When seeking to end a marriage, both parties need to realize that they are about to effect many people to include family AND friends but most importantly their children. There is a responsibility to those who need to see a healthy outcome of a divorce. I actually believe that you can have a successful marriage even when you are divorced, and the measure of that success is how you handle it and how you treat each other afterward.
> 
> ...


Hi Jason C... I'm glad to hear that you haven't physically cheated on your wife, although I will point out that you are already having an emotional affair and I guess you, too, would be hard pressed to deny that.

I was struck by this sentence: "1. A Marriage is not a reasonable enough excuse to lead a life of frustration and unhappiness." I sometimes agree with that statement, as I feel that wasting ones life in an unhappy marriage isn't healthy for anyone. Martyrdom is so overrated. 

What I didn't read in your post was all the actions you've taken to find the woman you were in love with 11 years ago. As you said, "I understand the virtue of commitment and the responsibility that you are shouldering when you are married. " So you must agree that you should put as much effort into finding a solution to your marital problems as you would put into any virtuous commitment. There are lots and lots of specific actions that you could take... 
I've promised myself that I will not divorce my husband until I can look into my young daughter's eyes and know I've done EVERYTHING possible, leaving no stone unturned, to save my marriage. 

About the other woman... you cannot even begin to attempt to save your marriage when you already have one foot out the door.


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## Jason_C (Oct 27, 2009)

Thank you so much for reading and deciphering the story. I am emotionally drained and am feeling very odd about my state. Your words have a clear tone of understanding and I appreciate your honesty. I also feel the way you do about your efforts to maintain your marriage at almost any cost. The stability of the house is required here as our son is highly routine driven and the successes we have had in his development have been due to us maintaining that stability. 

It is true that I fell in love with my wife a some point in the relationship, and can look on that with the knowledge of the past 10 years of struggles. I will say that these are primarily personality and behavioral issues that can not seem to be changed. So I am at odds with the thought that much can be done at this point to resolve our differences. And I also want to point out that my discussions with her about the issues we have and my frustration at certain aspects of our friction are usually met with blank stares and no real input or effort on her part to understand. She is a family therapist and she acknowledges my points as being valid, and at times makes an effort to make life just comfortable enough to get by. But I am feeling dead to it all at this point, because of the inevitable resurfacing of the problems that we have. I truly have tried everything short of giving up... And that is why I am at this crossroads. The other woman is gracious person and understands my situation. We could deny ourselves any involvement should I feel the need to continue my marriage. But I feel that this new aspect requires my full attention to my entire life to evaluate my next move...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

So your current wife is indifferent when you raise issues that are bothering you. 

I think you hit on the right point - you can have a stable environment for your child even in divorce. You make support payments on time, stick to a routine of visiting and you are good to go. 

Somehow your current wife has gotten to the point where she isn't trying to make you happy - just trying to avoid a divorce. That sucks. I would not stay with someone doing that to me on an open ended basis. 








Jason_C said:


> Thank you so much for reading and deciphering the story. I am emotionally drained and am feeling very odd about my state. Your words have a clear tone of understanding and I appreciate your honesty. I also feel the way you do about your efforts to maintain your marriage at almost any cost. The stability of the house is required here as our son is highly routine driven and the successes we have had in his development have been due to us maintaining that stability.
> 
> It is true that I fell in love with my wife a some point in the relationship, and can look on that with the knowledge of the past 10 years of struggles. I will say that these are primarily personality and behavioral issues that can not seem to be changed. So I am at odds with the thought that much can be done at this point to resolve our differences. And I also want to point out that my discussions with her about the issues we have and my frustration at certain aspects of our friction are usually met with blank stares and no real input or effort on her part to understand. She is a family therapist and she acknowledges my points as being valid, and at times makes an effort to make life just comfortable enough to get by. But I am feeling dead to it all at this point, because of the inevitable resurfacing of the problems that we have. I truly have tried everything short of giving up... And that is why I am at this crossroads. The other woman is gracious person and understands my situation. We could deny ourselves any involvement should I feel the need to continue my marriage. But I feel that this new aspect requires my full attention to my entire life to evaluate my next move...


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> So your current wife is indifferent when you raise issues that are bothering you.
> 
> I think you hit on the right point - you can have a stable environment for your child even in divorce. You make support payments on time, stick to a routine of visiting and you are good to go.
> 
> Somehow your current wife has gotten to the point where she isn't trying to make you happy - just trying to avoid a divorce. That sucks. I would not stay with someone doing that to me on an open ended basis.


Maybe she doesn't understand the full extent that it's bothering him... perhaps a bottom line to the wife before filing would be more fitting.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lori is right on this point. Have you ever told your wife that if the issues aren't resolved you may leave her?

How surprised would she be if you serverd her with a divorce?




lorithehun said:


> Maybe she doesn't understand the full extent that it's bothering him... perhaps a bottom line to the wife before filing would be more fitting.


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## Jason_C (Oct 27, 2009)

Thanks again for the responses... I have been very articulate about my feelings and what should happen if things are not resolved. So I doubt she would be very surprised. Please understand that I am actually hoping for the best in this situation, but I have heard promises for many years to end up exactly in the same spot in the end.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Jason_C said:


> Thanks again for the responses... I have been very articulate about my feelings and what should happen if things are not resolved. So I doubt she would be very surprised. Please understand that I am actually hoping for the best in this situation, but I have heard promises for many years to end up exactly in the same spot in the end.


You mentioned in a previous post the way she makes it just comfortable enough.. I am so familiar with that. 
I'm the wrong person to be responding to your posts, because I believe I'm in the middle of attempting to convince myself that comfortable is good enough. However I wouldn't offer that as advice to anyone... who wants to be 75 years old and look back at what they've missed in life? 

There are two astoundingly beautiful things to be found in life... one of them is our children, of course, and the other is a partner who makes us happy... Do you remember when you first got married, being excited to come home to her? That's how it should be. Comfortable doesn't cut it. I wish I had advice to offer.. unfortunately empathy will have to do.


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## Jason_C (Oct 27, 2009)

I appreciate all advice given on here. I want you to know that I have just had the conversation with my wife. We both agree that it would be better for us to no longer be together. I feel sorry that it has come to this and words are unable to describe the lunacy of my feelings about my sons well being. We both are very agreeable about proceeding with all caution and first look at our financial situation. We are planning to wait until after the holidays to let everyone know and we are brainstorming over how to get our son to understand everything he needs to going forward. 

She says she agrees with my logic about this situation that we have lived in for so long. We both admit to a degree of relief over this being the end... so I suppose I was right all along.

There were tears last night and some worry... but I am now trying to plot a course toward a successful end to an unfortunate outcome. I would not trade what has happened in the last 11 years for anything and it has been an amazing journey filled with lots of beautiful moments to include me witnessing the birth and growth of my beautiful son, watching her become a beautiful and amazing mother, many moments of laughter and yes.. even some good old fashioned passion. 

I urge all those who are facing a crises in their lives over a failed relationship to make the ending as good as you can, look at the good because I am certain that you too have had these moments and to see them in any other light would be a mockery of your attempts at something fantastic regardless of how you find yourself here today. I don't want you to think that I feel all warm and fuzzy here... I just feel the need to remember that even though we feel at times that it is OK to expect the best from ourselves, sometimes we have to simply recognize that we are in fact human


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Jason_C said:


> I appreciate all advice given on here. I want you to know that I have just had the conversation with my wife. We both agree that it would be better for us to no longer be together. I feel sorry that it has come to this and words are unable to describe the lunacy of my feelings about my sons well being. We both are very agreeable about proceeding with all caution and first look at our financial situation. We are planning to wait until after the holidays to let everyone know and we are brainstorming over how to get our son to understand everything he needs to going forward.
> 
> She says she agrees with my logic about this situation that we have lived in for so long. We both admit to a degree of relief over this being the end... so I suppose I was right all along.
> 
> ...


Sounds as if you are both approaching this in a way that is placing your child first and foremost. Kudos to the both of you. While I'm reluctant to advocate for divorce because my heart grieves for the children of a split home, I am heartened because with the two of you it sounds like it *is* possible to divorce while still making your child your top priority. 
Jason C, good luck to you in your future... 

Alright, I tried to stop there but I can't... hahaha...
I again urge you to keep the other woman at a very long distance until you have settled your affairs with your wife. It seems to me that in approaching a new relationship you oughta be free of your current one first. If there is to be a future with the other woman, don't let her be part of your current story. If you do there may come a day when you look at her and wonder if she was a contributing factor in your divorce. There should be only two people involved in a divorce, not three. 

Thanks for sharing a part of yourself here.


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## Jaceace (Oct 15, 2009)

Jason_C said:


> I am not a cheater. I would like to get that out there right away because stories like this one tend to be misconstrued and the readers get stuck on the probabilities of infidelity and how wrong that is.
> 
> I would like to also clarify a few simple truths, 1. A Marriage is not a reasonable enough excuse to lead a life of frustration and unhappiness. I understand the virtue of commitment and the responsibility that you are shouldering when you are married. 2. When seeking to end a marriage, both parties need to realize that they are about to effect many people to include family AND friends but most importantly their children. There is a responsibility to those who need to see a healthy outcome of a divorce. I actually believe that you can have a successful marriage even when you are divorced, and the measure of that success is how you handle it and how you treat each other afterward.
> 
> ...


Hi,

You sure did open up and express your feelings and desires and need to spend some time thinking about what you can do to make your relationship work with your wife before looking for another.

I am new to this forum and yes I have had the same the thoughts as you. My marriage is not perfect but anyhow here it it is......

If you can afford it, I would take a holiday with your wife and child, somewhere out of your comfort zone. Spend some time with your wife and child in a relaxed inviroment . No work no phone calls, just pure enjoyment. This women might be sweet now, and fill all the desires you need now. But in a few years time you might just land up in the same position. Is it really worth going ahead and leaving the mother of your child to fill desire for this girl at work?

You have a wife and child; take a holiday even if it means some debt. Go somewhere nice; maybe spend some time on your own while away by having a massage or playing golf or something you enjoy. And think about how this will affect you, this is your life and you only live once. 

You lucky to have another person like you, but are they worth everything you have worked for? Huge decision and a huge impact and only you can make the effort and decision no matter what anyone in this forum says.

I would try to ignite the spark you felt for you wife again. pack your bags and go some where to clear your head. 

This girl that likes you now might get tired of you in a few years time because you got older and she would still be young. Only you know the situation. 

I wish you the best, and who im i to tell you what to do with your marriage? 

Cheers


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