# I Work Full Time And Feel Like I Am Asked To Take A lot Of Chores On



## Frank Masters (Dec 28, 2014)

Any advise with this problem? I feel like the more I do, the less my wife does. We are misfiring really bad. She thinks I don't do enough but she is stay at home. Meanwhile, I work 40+, Do all the family's laundry, help with pets, and help with little one also. And I notice the dishes always waiting for me to wash them at night, everynight. Help!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is the "little one"?

C


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## Frank Masters (Dec 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> How old is the "little one"?
> 
> C


6 months.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

What if you negotiated the chores? You work full time and that is a lot of work. But a baby is a full time job by itself. We have a 9 month old son so I know some of where you are coming from. What if you just sat down and listed everything that needs to be done and decide who is going to do what. Then you can try to be as fair to each other as possible. The household chores should definitely not fall fully on you but there are jobs of course that are required with an infant that take a lot of time. She is probably exhausted up and down with the baby. I was a SAH mom for the first 6 months of my sons life. It feels like you're on call 24/7. I tried to get things done but you also have to sleep because he will be up in 3 or 4 hours. It's a rough time, I know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Frank Masters said:


> Any advise with this problem? I feel like the more I do, the less my wife does. We are misfiring really bad. She thinks I don't do enough but she is stay at home. Meanwhile, I work 40+, Do all the family's laundry, help with pets, and help with little one also. And I notice the dishes always waiting for me to wash them at night, everynight. Help!


How many loads of launder a week do you do for a family of 3.

How much time a day do you spend taking care of the pets? How many pets do you have?

When you take care of the baby, what do you do? How long?

How many hours a week does your wife get to spend on her own, away from the baby?


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

I can't blame her she is asking for your help. Little kids are taking a lot of time. My wife was out of her mind by the time I got home.

The help she is requesting is normal and you definitely need to help her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

A 6 month old is a lot of work...and it's very hard to get anything done - constant interruptions see to that. She's probably not getting much sleep at night either.

It won't always be like this, it will get better, but for now she needs your help and support more than ever. Hang in there.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Frank Masters said:


> Any advise with this problem? I feel like the more I do, the less my wife does. We are misfiring really bad. She thinks I don't do enough but she is stay at home. Meanwhile, I work 40+, Do all the family's laundry, help with pets, and help with little one also. *And I notice the dishes always waiting for me to wash them at night, everynight.* Help!


Do you also notice that she has your dinner ready for you to eat on those dishes every night? And that she managed to get the grocery and other shopping done with a baby in tow so that she could prepare that dinner and have the detergent for the dishes? 

Do you feel neglected because she's focused on the baby? I can understand that better than being upset that a new mom is asking for more of your help at home.

Have you found a good baby-sitter so that you two can spend some adult time together out of the house?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I buy the great big bags of paper and foam plates from Walmart and use them whenever feasible. 

My children do the dishes and it is not unusual for dishes to sit undone for a day till they have time and I remind them it needs done 

What if you left them sitting in the sink?


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Frank it sounds like form this thread and the other, that your child's birth has changed your life hugely. It does, and many marriages can break up in the period when small children are around. I know, mine and my H's first marriages failed at that stage. 

It's a really tough period for you AND your wife. You've lost a lot of your wife's attention, and obvious affection. She's exhausted, and you are working hard so exhausted as well. If anyone ever could truly explain the impact of having children, we'd never have them! 

It's really important for you to understand that this is a blip in what is hopefully going to be a long happy marriage. It's tough, easy to blame each other for things, easy to lose sight of why you married in the first place and the love you have for each other.

As another poster has suggested, try to get some alone time for you and your W. Get a babysitter, or friendly relative to mind the baby and enjoy yourselves together for a bit. Do it regularly and things will hopefully improve. You are now parents, not just lovers, so your relationship needs to change but continue.

Good luck


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Just throwing it out there that if you two separated and divorced:

You would still have to work full-time, you'd still have to care for your daughter, you'd still have to cook, do laundry, wash dishes and care for pets. All without the help of having a wife. All of this is part of life/adulthood.

I don't say this to be mean, but just to throw out some perspective that those things are things we all have to do and don't come with any applause or rewards. 

I would also add, a six month old baby is a lot of work and time consuming whether you are a SAHM or not but even moreso if you're a nursing mom as you are stuck to a chair for at least twenty minutes ten, fifteen or twenty times a day. That alone sucks up a LOT of time. Of course, kids this age do sleep a lot but nap times are often used for just getting a shower in, playing catch-up on chores or meal prep, getting a nap in if the baby doesn't sleep through the night and heaven forbid, just getting a break/minute alone.

So if chores aren't done to your expectations during this time, just keep in mind what your wife is going through with the baby. It won't last long. It's a huge adjustment for you but it's also a huge adjustment for her, especially since she's at home all day with a baby. Being a first-time parent is difficult. My youngest is 2 so I still remember those days quite clearly. Things do get easier as your child gets older and you develop a routine but six months in, your wife still might be just trying to keep her head above water. It won't last forever. 

As a SAHM, I do most of the chores and cooking but that doesn't mean my spouse is off the hook. He is still an adult in this house. And what I said here:

"You would still have to work full-time, you'd still have to care for your daughter, you'd still have to cook, do laundry, wash dishes and care for pets. All without the help of having a wife. All of this is part of life/adulthood."

still applies as much to him as it does me. Just because he works full-time doesn't mean he gets to do nothing at all when he comes home. We both have two boys to care for. I try to get as much done during the day so our evenings can be relaxing and fun but if there's still things to be done, he does them/we do them together.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ok I am going to get slammed here for this very unpopular opinion. If there is a stay at home parent in the home, they should be doing the chores. Period. I can see the WOH parent fitting in around the edges. But there is no reason you cannot sit a six month old in a seat or high chair long enough to do a load of dishes. Anybody can fly (FlyLady.net) for 15 minute increments throughout the day. The kid is not a newborn anymore.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NobodySpecial said:


> Ok I am going to get slammed here for this very unpopular opinion. If there is a stay at home parent in the home, they should be doing the chores. Period. I can see the WOH parent fitting in around the edges. But there is no reason you cannot sit a six month old in a seat or high chair long enough to do a load of dishes. Anybody can fly (FlyLady.net) for 15 minute increments throughout the day. The kid is not a newborn anymore.


I clicked on that article and yep.. that's how it's done.. walk into a room & it only takes a minute or 2 to tidy it up.. before walking out.. (the "5 minute room rescue")...How Can 15 Minutes Make a Difference?

I was wondering if any women on TAM had a bit of mercy on this husband.. ..it's not as simple as ... ."Suck it up DAD .. this is what happens when a  is born ...it'll pass"....but does it always??...if a husband makes it a habit of picking up what should be her carrying her own weight during the day... it may grow even worse... I've seen this 1st hand in a couple marriages.. (felt bad for the husband, many do not even complain.. but it wears them down).....there is more stress in the household...and harmony is slowly lost.

We've all seen this on the Job, haven't we....many times it's just easier to pick up the load over causing waves....none of us want to come off a whiner....if a man does it.. he just looks bad...No matter who we are, we're going to feel the weight of carrying the other ..when things get lop sided... this husband is no different...

I've been where this Mom is x 4 kids (6 yrs & younger) at one point...2 in diapers I hung on the line (didn't have a dryer & I still used cloth - to save $$)....

...My H had other things to do when he got home, like mowing the lawn ( 3 hrs on a rider)... if a car needed repaired (we own older vehicles)...whatever I couldn't do.. always something to be fixed... I would have been ashamed of myself if I couldn't get these things done during the day....knowing him...he wouldn't have said anything... but he would have been thinking it !... 

I'm kinda stuck on the belief ...when a family is living a more traditional lifestyle..(even if for a short period of time)..the wife/Mom needs to carry her weight on the home front.... at the very least the majority of the time.. sure there will be busier days...and he won't mind picking up a little, throwing a load of clothes in , etc. but not on a regular basis.. this is just NOT OK...

I believe a GOOD Husband wants to do what he can to help his wife.. but if it's not making sense why she cant get dishes done for just 3 people and a load of laundry gathered up (how long does this take?)...then transferring to the dryer (I assume they have one) ...then maybe another 20 minutes to put the clothes away.. if that ....With all the modern conveniences today.. seriously... what gives ?? 

I mean -every situation is not created equal..are there special circumstances here... a special needs child, taking care of elderly parents in the home as well, is the wife disabled/ sick/ depressed....is she struggling with postpartum... is the child colicky?

Granted breastfeeding would suck up more of the day over those who bottle fed their babies .. but come on.. there are ways to keep the little one very safe / happy.. and still get all of these things done during the day.. a little more organization.. some multitasking.. reading FlyLady.net for some tips.... 

Hopefully they both can have a sit down discussion sharing how they are feeling...and agreeing there is a better way...that some things can be tweaked, a little better time management.. I don't think a man should have to walk on egg shells over this..

It's very unfortunate that it comes down to this..


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

You bring all the $$$ home then she does all the house chores, that is an equal trade. Though there will be the rare need for help that men are better equipped with dealing.

The joys and pains of child rearing are inseparable. The frustration of dealing with a poopy diapers and awkward playtimes is a walk in the park compared to dealing with a teenager or adult with neglect issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

NobodySpecial said:


> Ok I am going to get slammed here for this very unpopular opinion. If there is a stay at home parent in the home, they should be doing the chores. Period. I can see the WOH parent fitting in around the edges. But there is no reason you cannot sit a six month old in a seat or high chair long enough to do a load of dishes. Anybody can fly (FlyLady.net) for 15 minute increments throughout the day. The kid is not a newborn anymore.


A guy here, i used to just plop the kid in a backpack and do the dishes or vacuum, or laundry. It wasn't difficult to do that.

Fatigue issues aside, the routine cleanups stay routine if you let them.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

IMO it becomes easier when it's your second, third, fourth or fifth... not in regards to parenting but in regards to getting back into the swing of things, routine, cleaning, life balance etc. etc. 

I was much better at running a house and caring for a newborn the second time around. So as coddling as it may sound, I empathize with any new parent who is struggling to find balance/run on all cylinders. They're NEW! Parenting is NOT a career but for analogy's sake... 6 months into a career, at your first job, first gig ever - things won't always run as smoothly for you as someone that's been doing the same for 5, 10, 20, 30 years with multiple organizations. In this case six months on the job is mom to six month old vs. a mom to multiple children who has been there/done that and baked the casserole.

With my second, having a child in a backpack carrier while I swept/mopped/vacuumed, in the stroller being rocked by one foot while I cooked supper or in a bouncy seat in the bathroom when I showered was a no-brainer. Then again he was my second. I remember going four days without a break to properly shower with my first-born and I was WITH my spouse at the time. I was going it solo when my second child was born as we split up in my eighth month of pregnancy. As alone as I was, I STILL felt more confident/capable unpartnered with a second newborn child than I did when I had my first son. 

With my first it was all trial/error and figuring things out as I went (of course there was some with my second as all babies are different) but I was a much more confident, dare I say (and not to sound arrogant or self-depreciating any way you slice it) "competent" mom the second time around. As different as they are, in many ways babies are the same. So since I had been there/done that and got the baby spit on t-shirt, I managed time a lot better. 

Final thought - yes, she should step it up but also YES, he should be supportive and suck it up for now if he finds himself picking up some of the slack as per chores.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Personally, while the infant is still an infant...hire molly maids or find someone to come in once a week to do your laundry and do some basic cleaning. 

All kids are different and have very different needs, so while parents can easily manage their kid and keep a clean house, not everyone can for a variety of reasons. Having a baby isn't a full time job. A full time job you can leave and go home. You can go out to lunch. You can take a break. That's not a choice with an infant. And it's going to get worse before it gets better. Just wait until that baby is walking. 
So instead of complaining about how little your wife is doing (because I can promise that will not go over well) find a different solution. Get creative...but seriously. A house keeper until the kid is two. Or chill out on what you think needs to be cleaned. Let the house be messy. It won't kill you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OH one thing I WOULD suggest. If she does not have laundry machines and a dish washer, get her those.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Time away from the house with friends or shopping is good, not while caring or worrying about a little one. Even if its you guys going out. The point is to get away from the daily chores for a day or night. Yes it will be there when you get back but at least you have the luxury of peace for a few hours. When I go out now with friends I specifically tell the hostess I don't want to sit near kids, its my night out..they just laugh.


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