# Her and her vibrator



## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.

I'm there most everyday and we have sex most days too, but I started to notice a few months back that even though we were having a lot of sex that her vibrator was in a different spot in the bedside drawer every time I went in there for a rubber so I made a mental note of it's position and check it and sure enough, it's had several sets of batteries and moves around the drawer almost daily.

I have asked her about her "play time" but she assures me that I'm hitting the spot and she hasn't touched it in months but I know that's a lie because the batteries are no longer Duracell.

What's the score, embarrassment? She's just super horny? Or I don't know what..............


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## Jaded1 (Jan 24, 2019)

Maybe she doesn't want you to feel threatened by her "self-serving" activities. 

If you are not threatened by her toy, perhaps you can ask her to incorporate it into your playtime together, say... have her put on a show for you...?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If she is happy to have sex with you, I don't see a problem. You can offer to use it with her (which is fun) but its possible that in addition to sex, sometimes she just wants to get off quickly, sort of scratching an itch. 

If she was using a vibrator and regularly turning you down for sex, I'd be concerned.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Maybe she thinks solo time is private and therefore not your business especially since you and she seem to have a good sex life. Some women just aren't into announcing to someone that they have solo time. She might not be comfortable enough with her sexuality to discuss that with you. 

Are you sure you're hitting the spot?? You could be but it's not as intense of an orgasm maybe? Or you're not and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. If that's the case, I'd talk with her and tell her that you'd much rather be taught now how to please her than find out later on you weren't when you thought you were. I'll never understand women who fake it. (Not saying she is, but it's a possibility)

The only way to really know is to talk with her again. If she denies it again tell her that you couldn't help noticing she's changed the batteries which implies she is, in fact, using the device and go from there.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Just tell her that you think it's cool that she uses it, reiterate to her that you want to please her too, and make her feel comfortable talking to you about it. You could incorporate it into foreplay too - she could tell you what she did with it to get both your motors running when you're together.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> 
> I'm there most everyday and we have sex most days too, but I started to notice a few months back that even though we were having a lot of sex that her vibrator was in a different spot in the bedside drawer every time I went in there for a rubber so I made a mental note of it's position and check it and sure enough, it's had several sets of batteries and moves around the drawer almost daily.
> 
> ...


The only question is "Why are you bothered?" You are happy, she is happy the rest is detail. Surely if she wants to play she can play. 

Do you not play too? Really? Sometimes it is nice to play alone, sometimes playing together is better.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How about before you ask her, first write her a list of all of the times you’ve masturbated since you’ve been with her along with a list of all of the porn sites you visited. Then ask her if she also wants to be honest and open about her solo time habits.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> How about before you ask her, first write her a list of all of the times you’ve masturbated since you’ve been with her along with a list of all of the porn sites you visited. Then ask her if she also wants to be honest and open about her solo time habits.


Bravo!

:yay::smnotworthy:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Why not have her incorporate it into her playtime with you? Honestly, the only time I would be concerned about her solo play time is IF it was impacting your time with her in any way (i.e. directing her sexual energy for solo time which may lessen her energy towards you)


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> *I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months *now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> 
> {Snip}
> 
> What's the score, embarrassment? She's just super horny? Or I don't know what..............


You've only been dating for 4 months. She's more than likely not ready to tell you how much she masturbates. You can tell her you've been tracking the location and battery usage of her vibrator but that could come off as creepy after only dating 4 months. 

I think you'd be better served to figure out why her vibrator usage is so important to you.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

A little early in the relationship for vibrator surveillance, don't you think?

I understand that you have fears of inadequacy, but keep obsessong over it and it will remain in her bedroom. You most likely will not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> Peter/ said:
> 
> 
> > *I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months *now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> ...


For me, it would totally depend on how he said it. And of course what his motivation is.

If I snooped and found my new guy of 4 months was looking at porn while we had been together, I would be too ashamed to say anything. But that’s not my normal way.

For me, in a new relationship that I feel is going somewhere, I will have conversations about masturbation and porn habits (but I would not snoop). I would just be open and honest and ask him to be also. Again, only if I’m in it to go somewhere long term.

For me, a great LTR sex life will include this kind of openness and mutual agreement on how and why our solo time may affect our sex life. 

If we are just exclusive and dating, seeing how things go, or we know it won’t go LTR, I usually don’t discuss these things unless he wants to.

If he did want to discuss it and he was clearly just insecure about my solo time (whether he found my porn, my vibe, or caught me, or whatever) I would probably want to distance myself from him.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lila said:


> You've only been dating for 4 months. She's more than likely not ready to tell you how much she masturbates. You can tell her you've been tracking the location and battery usage of her vibrator but that could come off as creepy after only dating 4 months.
> 
> I think you'd be better served to figure out why her vibrator usage is so important to you.


I really must not get the concept of creepy. You're intimate enough with someone to be having sex with them every day, and it's creepy they notice your vibrator has moved when they open your bedside drawer to get a condom?

At what point in a relationship do simple observations, and curiosity, stop being creepy?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I have asked her about her "play time" but she assures me that I'm hitting the spot and she hasn't touched it in months but I know that's a lie because the batteries are no longer Duracell.


Generally speaking vibrators with replaceable batteries are cheap crap. If she was really into that she would have a way more expensive one with super powerful lithium ion batteries. 

Imagine if you will an RC helicopter with Duracell batteries. That piece of crap will probably not even get off the ground. Now imagine an RC helicopter with a lithium ion battery pack, high performance brushless motors and a charging station... that one will will not only get off the ground but you'll also need to fill out some F'n paperwork and register it with the FAA. Vibrators these days are about the same if you catch my drift in terms of performance capabilities. 

If I were you, be a good boyfriend and buy her an Italian race car of a vibrator. Make sure it is sleek and you two can use it while being together! Also don't be an idiot and think you can make the decision all on your own as you will end up buying something insanely stupid. Let her pick it out!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I’ll spin this another way. After I have a great O with my man, sometimes I am even hornier after that. Maybe she is using it to get a couple extra ones in while you sleep and doesn’t want to introduce any doubt about you satisfying her, since it is a new relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > You've only been dating for 4 months. She's more than likely not ready to tell you how much she masturbates. You can tell her you've been tracking the location and battery usage of her vibrator but that could come off as creepy after only dating 4 months.
> ...


It would be the same as if she snooped on his computer or phone for porn. Which maybe some girls would do. But I know any guy I dated would think that was creepy.

ETA: he said after he asked her about it, he kept checking purposefully to see if it had moved and it has. That’s the creepy part. She has a right to privacy. Just because they are sleeping together doesn’t mean she’s willing to tell him all her secrets. Nor is he willing to tell his, I’m sure. He actually just wants her to soothe his ego.

Sorry but yeah that’s creepy because that’s not her job to soothe his ego.

Now in the context of the type of relationship you want within your religion, I don’t think it would be creepy? But I don’t know. I would think you would actually just discuss these things rather than even be having sex (before marriage and after only dating 4 months).


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> It would be the same as if she snooped on his computer or phone for porn. Which maybe some girls would do. But I know any guy I dated would think that was creepy.
> 
> ETA: he said after he asked her about it, he kept checking purposefully to see if it had moved and it has. That’s the creepy part. She has a right to privacy. Just because they are sleeping together doesn’t mean she’s willing to tell him all her secrets. Nor is he willing to tell his, I’m sure. He actually just wants her to soothe his ego.
> 
> ...


I suppose the concept of sleeping with someone daily, while treating them like a stranger (don't touch my stuff, "that's private", etc.), is really weird to me. "You can have sex with me, like, every day, but don't you dare look in my bedside drawer."

Seems very... cart before the horse.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BioFury said:


> I suppose the concept of sleeping with someone daily, while treating them like a stranger (don't touch my stuff, "that's private", etc.), is really weird to me. "You can have sex with me, like, every day, but don't you dare look in my bedside drawer."
> 
> Seems very... cart before the horse.


May I ask you, and you don’t actually have to answer, but although it’s (I think?) against your religion to masturbate, you have done so, correct?

When you do meet a future mate, do you think you’ll be ok with it if she asks you to give details that have nothing to do with her about what goes on in your mind when you masturbate?

I mean, if you are truly ok with sharing that kind of thing in the beginning, that’s great! But would you be totally honest about any wayward sinful things you may have looked at or thought about? I mean, completely honest? 

See, although we may be sharing our bodies with someone and exclusive sexually with them, we all also have a solo sex life which is not necessarily part of our partnered sex life. Sometimes it is. In a meaningful LTR for me, it would be. In a less meaningful R, it wouldn’t be. But either way, my solo sex life and his are ours privately unless we agree to share. And if we are going to share for reasons of openness and honesty to make our partnered sex life better, hurrah! But if we are going to pry and ask the other to share, if the only reason is pure insecurity, then that needs to be said also. It’s ok to feel curious, unsure, or need reassurance in a new relationship. But if they are not forthcoming, then you should probably just move on if that’s important to you.

Just be sure you’ve checked your own honesty. Don’t expect your partner to come out with those details if you won’t be honest yourself. Sometimes it’s just not a match if one wants to be open and the other doesn’t. But sometimes it’s not a match because one is actually prying and snooping and not being forthcoming themselves but is insecure about the others solo habits.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> May I ask you, and you don’t actually have to answer, but although it’s (I think?) against your religion to masturbate, you have done so, correct?
> 
> When you do meet a future mate, do you think you’ll be ok with it if she asks you to give details that have nothing to do with her about what goes on in your mind when you masturbate?
> 
> ...


It's not against my religion, but yes I do masturbate. And I've shared that with everyone I've entered a relationship with. But I love talking about sex. It's my all time favorite subject. So I do hold things back, but it's usually out of consideration for the other person. Who may not be comfortable with discussing the topic, or discussing the topic in detail, quite yet.

I understand what you're saying, I just don't comprehend assigning the contents of my beside drawer a higher privacy level than my penis. Do you think that's logical? To have sexual activity on a lower plane of significance to material possessions and computer files?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > May I ask you, and you don’t actually have to answer, but although it’s (I think?) against your religion to masturbate, you have done so, correct?
> ...


But the OP doesn’t care about her possessions. He cares about her solo sex habits.

I’m with you, I love talking about sex. But even saying that, I would still take pause about a new partner snooping. I would not take pause about them asking questions.

The OP said he asked and she said she wasn’t Jilling off without him, and in his mind she lied because there could be no other reason the vibe had moved. So either she did lie, which means she feels it’s none of his business. Or she didn’t lie and she was just rumaging through the drawer for something else.

If she feels it’s none of his business and he feels it should be his business, then he should opt out and find someone who wants to be open about these things. Not everyone does.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I’ll spin this another way. After I have a great O with my man, sometimes I am even hornier after that. Maybe she is using it to get a couple extra ones in while you sleep and doesn’t want to introduce any doubt about you satisfying her, since it is a new relationship.


Yes, I have read about that a few times and actually find it hard to understand this concept. Not the concept of remaining horny but the concept of the expectation that the normal reaction for the partner is to just shrug it off that their partner is still horny. 

I realise there are men who perhaps wouldn't care whether their partner is getting a second helpings or the reasons for it, since it seems they worship anything a woman will do as long as it is anything sexual at all.

However for me, I find that it is to a large extent *my* responsibility as a sexual mate to ensure my wife has a sexual experience that satisfies her as much as possible. If she reaches for a vibrator as soon as we are done, what kind of message do you good people think it would send out to her partner? If she masturbates more frequently and more eagerly than she has the desire to have sex with me: again, what sort of message does it send? And before anyone screams: "how abouts all your porns???". I don't watch porn and I don't masturbate when I have regular sex with my wife because I am 100% satisfied and to simply assume that one does, because...penis.... is such a primitive stereotype.

I know her reaction would be exactly the same as mine if I masturbated after I had sex with her or even if she caught me masturbating, she would not be happy about it but ONLY BECAUSE she would feel bad that she was perhaps not engaging enough sexually with me.

To me, these are all perfectly normal human reactions: I feel a certain amount of responsibility towards my wife's pleasure and enjoyment of it as does she, with me. 

I think perhaps the OP developed an insecurity and is not sure what is going on. The best way is to have a talk with her. If they have sex very frequently, I would also find it odd if my wife needed to masturbate frequently in addition to it. You buy a car, you drive it. And not put it in a garage and rent a scooter instead.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I’ll spin this another way. After I have a great O with my man, sometimes I am even hornier after that. Maybe she is using it to get a couple extra ones in while you sleep and doesn’t want to introduce any doubt about you satisfying her, since it is a new relationship.


Ok so if that happens, do you wait until he falls asleep and masturbate yourself or make it known to him that you are still horny? On some occasions, it happens to my wife (I noticed a pattern actually: if I spend a lot of time stimulating her clit and then have PIV and she orgasms, it is likely she will still want a clit orgasm afterwards, or vice versa. Basically I learnt that you should always finish whatever it is you started....). But I can tell if she is and it would be again down to me to satisfy her more. I would totally understand it if she masturbated if I completely ignored her horniness though.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> If I were you, be a good boyfriend and buy her an Italian race car of a vibrator. Make sure it is sleek and you two can use it while being together! Also don't be an idiot and think you can make the decision all on your own as you will end up buying something insanely stupid. Let her pick it out!
> 
> Regards,
> Badsanta


Haha, i like that! Could come across as a bit patronising though if they don't know each other that well.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I suppose the concept of sleeping with someone daily, while treating them like a stranger (don't touch my stuff, "that's private", etc.), is really weird to me. "You can have sex with me, like, every day, but don't you dare look in my bedside drawer."
> 
> Seems very... cart before the horse.


Also lets not completely twist his post: it's not like he said he was deliberately snooping, he first noticed it when he opened the drawer to get the bloody condom.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> It's not against my religion, but yes I do masturbate. And I've shared that with everyone I've entered a relationship with. But I love talking about sex. It's my all time favorite subject. So I do hold things back, but it's usually out of consideration for the other person. Who may not be comfortable with discussing the topic, or discussing the topic in detail, quite yet.


Do you masturbate because you are not getting enough from your gf/partner or is it some other reason? I guess I just don't quite get the concept of why one needs to masturbate if you have a willing and horny person right next to you. The only reason to masturbate for me would be if she wasn't around or for whatever reason was not available. And same with her. And the most straightforward explanation for me why she still needed to masturbate even though I was around and available, would be for me to conclude that I wasn't satisfying her adequately which would probably lead to insecurity. Yes, my wife's sex life is my business and vice versa. And we are not religious by any means. It just seems like common sense to me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

OP: your question has nothing to do with whether it's ok or not ok to snoop as far as I can tell (it would otherwise be so easy to frame you as a control freak) but you are wondering why she needs extra sexual stimulation by using her vibrator even though you have an active (?) sex life and whether she is getting enough from you.
It's a valid question IMO. Have you asked her?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> 
> I'm there most everyday and we have sex most days too, but I started to notice a few months back that even though we were having a lot of sex that her vibrator was in a different spot in the bedside drawer every time I went in there for a rubber so I made a mental note of it's position and check it and sure enough, it's had several sets of batteries and moves around the drawer almost daily.
> 
> ...


My question to you would be... why are you spying on her vibrator use?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

InMyPrime said:


> Ok so if that happens, do you wait until he falls asleep and masturbate yourself or make it known to him that you are still horny? On some occasions, it happens to my wife (I noticed a pattern actually: if I spend a lot of time stimulating her clit and then have PIV and she orgasms, it is likely she will still want a clit orgasm afterwards, or vice versa. Basically I learnt that you should always finish whatever it is you started....). But I can tell if she is and it would be again down to me to satisfy her more. I would totally understand it if she masturbated if I completely ignored her horniness though.


Generally, he is there, he knows full well he gave me a screaming O and satisfied me. He is almost asleep and I’ll say, “Mind if I go for another?”


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> May I ask you, and you don’t actually have to answer, but although it’s (I think?) against your religion to masturbate, you have done so, correct?
> 
> When you do meet a future mate, do you think you’ll be ok with it if she asks you to give details that have nothing to do with her about what goes on in your mind when you masturbate?
> 
> ...


The thing that resonates with me about this post with regard to sharing of ones personal thoughts is that you highlight (or I am inferring potentially wrongly) where trust comes from. It does not come from some demarcation like -- having sex, living together, getting married. Some people, I would imagine bio, put the establishment of trust before those markers. But we don't all do that. 

I am thinking about the timed DH and I have shared these types of things. Never required, never pushed. And that was part of what engendered the trust required to feel safe to share.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> My question to you would be... why are you spying on her vibrator use?



Here we go again.... it’s like Groundhog Day here. Ok, I need a break.
You guys/girls enjoy yourselves.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Generally, he is there, he knows full well he gave me a screaming O and satisfied me. He is almost asleep and I’ll say, “Mind if I go for another?”



And if he said, ‘ok, let me take care of that!’. Would your genuine preference still be to go for the vibrator? I’m honestly wondering how this works because I just couldn’t sleep AT ALL if i knew my wife was still horny next to me.
Now I know realistically I cannot compete with the speeds of magic wands or whatever but **** me....(metaphorically speaking), what good am I as a husband if I can’t satisfy my horny wife?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Generally, he is there, he knows full well he gave me a screaming O and satisfied me. He is almost asleep and I’ll say, “Mind if I go for another?”


I am curious. Why ask if he "minds"?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am curious. Why ask if he "minds"?


I took it as just stated as a courtesy, but not that she actually needs his permission.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I took it as just stated as a courtesy, but not that she actually needs his permission.


Thus the curiosity. I mean, I don't care. It works for them. I was wondering though. Obviously!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I used to have a lot of issues if my wife masturbated. Most of that comes from my own insecurities and personality, but it was also enhanced by our poor sex life and her lack of communication.

If we had a mutually satisfactory sex life, and she masturbated, I am don't care. If we don't and she masturbated, it is an issue.

Ultimately, I had to come to the realization that I cannot control her, and if she chooses to please herself rather than have sex with me it is an indication of a problem with us. I used to monitor the position of things and whatnot. I don't really care anymore. She never seemed to do it anyway.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BioFury said:


> I really must not get the concept of creepy. You're intimate enough with someone to be having sex with them every day, and it's creepy they notice your vibrator has moved when they open your bedside drawer to get a condom?
> 
> At what point in a relationship do simple observations, and curiosity, stop being creepy?


OP had to have opened the vibrator to know what kind of batteries were in there. It's creepy for someone to handle and investigate intimate items without the owner's permission or knowledge. 

As to his issue....he asked her if she was using it and she told him no. That's all there is to it. He has two choices: 1) accept that she's telling the truth; or 2) admit to his vibrator surveillance (thank you @zookeeper) and call her out for being a liar. 

The bigger question to me is WHY is this even on his radar. He's getting sex aplenty. Will he dump her if she does in fact masturbate regularly when he's not around? Does he want her to stop using it and if so, why? Or is this just a curiosity issue at which point I say "she said she doesn't use it".


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Why does this bother you?


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## Uriel (Oct 31, 2018)

In today’s world of technology and manufacturing of high tech gadgets. Not to mention society and cinema…50 shades of grey…sons of anarchy…movies and books ect… Also a monogamous vanilla relationship. Add some spice or it will grow old from both perspectives 

Please don’t feel threatened…she still needs you and loves you. Maybe try to understand the difference between man and woman, love and sex, nut and orgasm, testosterone and estrogen. 

I recommend you purchase a high tech model or two for her and incorporate into your time together in bed. There are many couples toys out there…high tech, and way better than those using AA batteries. If you don’t she will learn about this over time from her girlfriends. Her shivering earthquake acting may or may not get any better. It’s about exploring each other’s needs together, and meeting them together…communications at the most rawest level.

Now on a funny note, or alternative. You can start practicing humming “Stair Way to Heaven” by Led Zepplin, or “In the Garden of Eden” by Iron Butterfly…of course the long version for both of them songs…adds up to about 25-30 minutes.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

InMyPrime said:


> Do you masturbate because you are not getting enough from your gf/partner or is it some other reason? I guess I just don't quite get the concept of why one needs to masturbate if you have a willing and horny person right next to you. The only reason to masturbate for me would be if she wasn't around or for whatever reason was not available. And same with her. And the most straightforward explanation for me why she still needed to masturbate even though I was around and available, would be for me to conclude that I wasn't satisfying her adequately which would probably lead to insecurity. Yes, my wife's sex life is my business and vice versa. And we are not religious by any means. It just seems like common sense to me.


I wish I had a willing and horny person right next to me. Does your wife have any single friends? >

I masturbate because I'm unmarried, and thus don't have the luxury of seeking out my partner for playtime.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I wish I had a willing and horny person right next to me. Does your wife have any single friends? >


Yes, her friend is usually positioned on the other side of the bed and they tend to masturbate in unison until pretty much early morning hours.

I will put in a good word for you, no doubt :wink2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I’ll spin this another way. After I have a great O with my man, sometimes I am even hornier after that. Maybe she is using it to get a couple extra ones in while you sleep and doesn’t want to introduce any doubt about you satisfying her, since it is a new relationship.


A close friend of mine well into his 50s was dating someone. She bragged about the sexual chemistry between the two of them that afterwards it would make her want to go about two to three more times with her vibrator...

This friend of mine conveyed the story as if to validate his reasons for ending the relationship as if the woman was completely nuts! I didn't say anything at the time as he was rather set in his ways regarding the topic of women and for the most part he lived the lifestyle of a hermit. No point in arguing or changing his mind.

My point being is that some guys just totally do NOT understand the female sexual response as they are raised to think it is the exact same as the male sexual response.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> But the OP doesn’t care about her possessions. He cares about her solo sex habits.
> 
> I’m with you, I love talking about sex. But even saying that, I would still take pause about a new partner snooping. I would not take pause about them asking questions.
> 
> ...


I didn't get the impression he was peeking in her drawer when she wasn't looking to check vibrator placement, though perhaps I misread. I certainly agree that if I had a stranger in my house, they likely wouldn't be back if I found them looking through my stuff.



InMyPrime said:


> Yes, her friend is usually positioned on the other side of the bed and they tend to masturbate in unison until pretty much early morning hours.
> 
> I will put in a good word for you, no doubt :wink2:


Lol, you better! :grin2:


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

My g/f and I have sex ALL the time and we've been together now for 2 years. We will sometimes have sex twice at night and I will wake up while she is using her vibrator in the morning. (Womanizer Pro) I laugh and go back to sleep and when I wake up we will have sex again. It's just a different sensation for her. I'm sure you've masturbated since being with her so be happy you have a sexual girlfriend.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

BioFury said:


> I didn't get the impression he was peeking in her drawer when she wasn't looking to check vibrator placement, though perhaps I misread. I certainly agree that if I had a stranger in my house, they likely wouldn't be back if I found them looking through my stuff.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Dude...knowing the batteries were a different brand? He’s snooping. 


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I’ll spin this another way. After I have a great O with my man, sometimes I am even hornier after that. Maybe she is using it to get a couple extra ones in while you sleep and doesn’t want to introduce any doubt about you satisfying her, since it is a new relationship.


Sometimes, especially with my wife who is significantly multi-orgasmic, after a long while, I have to stop. Takes me about fifteen minutes or so to recycle, (not bad for almost 65) so a toy or two comes out. Another few orgasms, and I am good to go again. I don't resent the toys. One showed us the way to another level of orgasm.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> My question to you would be... why are you spying on her vibrator use?


I'm genuinely curious about her feelings about her own vibrator usage, I wonder what makes her horny, is it a time of day? Is there something that we lack in our physical sex that she can only get from the vibrator? 

I would like to feel closer to her and it is an effort to try and understand her "play time".



personofinterest said:


> Why does this bother you?


It doesn't.



Elizabeth001 said:


> Dude...knowing the batteries were a different brand? He’s snooping.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh, really, so a feckin translucent pink vibrator in your face that visibly had Duracell in it with the gold and black livery visible and then the Duracell are rolling round the drawer and you can see the black and silver livery of Energizer replacements.

If I want I will snoop, if she finds out then so be it, it's not like I haven't raised the subject with her.

Not much good came of this for me.

Thanks.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Simmer down son...nobody knew it was translucent. I’ll let you off the snooping hook this time. I will say that it ain’t cool though, even if you’ve been together for 10 years, should you decide to do so. 

Good luck. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Taxman said:


> Sometimes, especially with my wife who is significantly multi-orgasmic, after a long while, I have to stop. Takes me about fifteen minutes or so to recycle, (not bad for almost 65) so a toy or two comes out. Another few orgasms, and I am good to go again. I don't resent the toys. One showed us the way to another level of orgasm.



It’s like in Speed: your wife has to keep orgasming otherwise the bomb will sexplode!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Peter/ said:


> Not much good came of this for me.



It rarely does I’m afraid..



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I'm genuinely curious about her feelings about her own vibrator usage, I wonder what makes her horny, is it a time of day? Is there something that we lack in our physical sex that she can only get from the vibrator?
> 
> I would like to feel closer to her and it is an effort to try and understand her "play time".


But you asked her about the vibrator and she told you she didn't use it. Sounds like she doesn't want to share her feelings about her vibrator with you. Is that acceptable to you?



> If I want I will snoop, if she finds out then so be it, it's not like I haven't raised the subject with her.


What if she asked you not to Snoop through her things? Would you still Snoop?

You brought up the question about her vibrator and she gave you her response. Is that something you can live with?


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> But you asked her about the vibrator and she told you she didn't use it. Sounds like she doesn't want to share her feelings about her vibrator with you. Is that acceptable to you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.

I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.

Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Peter/ said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > But you asked her about the vibrator and she told you she didn't use it. Sounds like she doesn't want to share her feelings about her vibrator with you. Is that acceptable to you?
> ...


You have every right to end the relationship since she’s not on the same page regarding this issue.

However, if you did not state at some point previously that you needed full openness and honesty and that you want her not to masturbate, then she entered the relationship not knowing what your expectations were.

So I think you should go ahead and tell her your expectations now and see if she will agree, or just end it.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

Why not just use it with her?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think "lying is a deal breaker" should depend on the lie. You can of course choose as you want, but you should be clear at least to your self if you are *really* bothered by the lying or by her masturbating. Would you really feel this strongly if she lied about something else that also didn't affect you?

If you really can't tolerate your partner masturbating, that is your choice - but it will substantially limit you potential partners and is an unusual enough requirement that it needs to be communicated early. Masturbation is pretty common for men and women. 




Peter/ said:


> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.
> 
> Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

uhtred said:


> I think "lying is a deal breaker" should depend on the lie. You can of course choose as you want, but you should be clear at least to your self if you are *really* bothered by the lying or by her masturbating. Would you really feel this strongly if she lied about something else that also didn't affect you?
> 
> If you really can't tolerate your partner masturbating, that is your choice - but it will substantially limit you potential partners and is an unusual enough requirement that it needs to be communicated early. Masturbation is pretty common for men and women.


I can't understand his concern here. Everyone masturbates so who cares? Why is he so jealous of it? What she does to herself on her own time is her business. She doesn't have to tell him whenever she does. I can't even remember the last time I masturbated but that's only bc my g/f and I have sex so often. However, when I do I don't always tell her. If she asks then sure but otherwise who really cares? People that are sexually satisfied or more likely to masturbate I would think as well.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.
> 
> Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


Then please please please tell her your expectations. This is just a "short term fling" (your words). You are wasting both your and her time by not disclosing your views on masturbation. You can release her to find a man interested in a short term fling who wants to have daily sex with her but could care less about her masturbation while you can find a woman interested in a short term fling who enjoys daily sex and doesn't masturbate.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.


I find this rather fascinating because of the contradictory nature of how you emphasize the idea of cheapening pleasure.



> Q: Have you been watching porn and masturbating?
> A: No.


In my opinion it comes across more as plausible deniability that your actually telling the truth should you be faced with that question from her. It would more honest to just let her know that you are just using her to replace your habit of porn and masturbation for some temporary sexual variety. 

I mean think about it?

Regards,
Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.
> 
> Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


Lying is the deal breaker for me. If she didn't want to talk about it, that is ok. Telling you a blatant lie is just immature and crappy.

Life is too short to put up with people who can't even own their own actions. Be it telling you they don't want to discuss it or the truth.

Maybe the dwarf she is hiding in the closet comes out to use it when no one is looking?:grin2:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I think "lying is a deal breaker" should depend on the lie.


I would go with this and ad the why of the lie and why I wanted it to be a deal breaker. OP - you don't know me. But honesty is one of THE most important thing in a relationship to me. Probably THE THE THE most important thing. Over the 25 years we've been together, I have had to admit that my own faults have made being genuinely honest with me to be a total no win for my husband. Radical honesty is HARD. One of HIS most important things, maybe THE THE THE most important thing is being accepted for who he is. And for him to be fully honest with me, he would have had to risk that. Who would have won there if I had dug my heals in and said, well you were dishonest, deal breaker. Done? 

If I were you, I would be asking myself what *I* really wanted. And am I asking DH (in my case) to give up or be something not true to himself.

In your example, I am going to be talking about how I would feel if I were your GF. And I have no idea if this is how she would feel. But I use it as an example of why I might be skirting about. I would not want my sexuality to entirely, fully, intrinsically and only wrapped in my partner. (I would be depressed and unhappy with using some cute pink thing instead of a Hitachi magic wand... but that's me ) The understanding of "what makes me horny" has always seemed way less linear than DH. Interestingly, this is something that DH had to understand early on. And 25 years in, he still does not entirely get it. But if I want to just buzz my clit in a completely disconnected way from sex with him, I want that. And it is ok. 

In my case, it was with some great difficulty, again early on, that I finally DID tell him that he wasn't finding the man in the boat. Because HE was so wrapped up in it. Good oral for me was ... well... for him. I could give him what he wanted, the perception that he had mad oral skills, without any risk to myself. The risk to both of us was telling him that 1) his oral skills weren't that crazy for me regardless of how many other women he made crazy with it 2) he wasn't hitting the man in the boat. Being the kind of wonderful person he is, he was like Oh. Ok. Didn't know. Bummer for sure. But took it in stride. We learned where the man in the boat was. And he heartily accepted that oral was good for me, but never gonna be the massive orgasmic experience he was hoping for. The beauty of having such a long relationship is that once the pressure was off, my brain was able to be fully in the present during oral and it has turned out quite wonderful for us. 

What's my point. I wonder if what you want feels like pressure of some kind to her? Or some other reason to withhold this personal detail. When you say you want to understand what makes her horny, I got this kind of uuuuggggghh feeling in my chest. Like how do I press the right buttons.... kind of feel. I know that this last 2 sentence sounds vague. But it is the best I can do. 



> You can of course choose as you want, but you should be clear at least to your self if you are *really* bothered by the lying or by her masturbating. Would you really feel this strongly if she lied about something else that also didn't affect you?
> 
> 
> If you really can't tolerate your partner masturbating, that is your choice - but it will substantially limit you potential partners and is an unusual enough requirement that it needs to be communicated early. Masturbation is pretty common for men and women.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> *I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.*
> 
> Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


Ick. The word "should". Here's a secret. Everyone lies. Little white lies. Lies to soften a blow to someone's feelings. 

I think the more important issue for you and your relationship right now is that you are assuming that she shares views regarding the bolded that you don't. YOU may feel as you do. No blood, no foul. She doesn't. See my post in safety in truth telling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> How about before you ask her,
> 
> *first write her a list of all of the times you’ve masturbated
> *
> since you’ve been with her along with a list of all of the porn sites you visited. Then ask her if she also wants to be honest and open about her solo time habits.


I read the bolded sentence, then for a quick millisec I thought to myself, sh$!, even Excel may not have enough rows capability to write all of the times down (since "the beginning") 😎😎😎

Then I continued with the next sentences, that limited the time range in question. All ok then. whew. 😉😉

For some reason a lotta irony and levity running through my I/O data streams this morning.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In an ideal world you could share everything openly with your partner but in real relationships that is rarely the case. Many people are still not comfortable being completely open about sexuality, or about accepting other people's sexuality. So, for example in a relationship, I think it is OK to lie about ones own fantasies if they might disturb your partner. Maybe you have occasional homosexual fantasies, or violent ones. Some people would be disturbed by that, but I believe that fantasies are ones own private property and don't need to be shared.

Masturbation is often closely related to fantasies, and is itself a private act. If masturbation / sex toys/ porn / fantasy is adversely impacting a couple's sex life, then there is a good reason for it to be discussed. Otherwise, I think it is only they other person's business if they are interested in some way in joining the activity. (which is fine to ask, but might not be granted). 

There are many reasons someone might masturbate in a relationship, and not really want to talk about it:

Maybe they just want to get off. That can make it sound cheap, but it can be unrelated to real sex - just scratching an itch. They may not want to take the time and energy for a full sex session with a partner. 

Maybe they are fantasizing about something that would disturb their partner - being gang raped, or committing rape or something. Lots of people have very disturbing fantasies - which is fine if they stay as fantasies.

A more worrisome issue is if they are not enjoying their normal sex life. In some cases the partner has indicated that they don't want to know that. 



OP - if this is just a short term relationship, then I think you should end it, and for future ones make it clear how you fell about masturbation.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> You have every right to end the relationship since she’s not on the same page regarding this issue.
> 
> However, if you did not state at some point previously that you needed full openness and honesty and that you want her not to masturbate, then she entered the relationship not knowing what your expectations were.
> 
> So I think you should go ahead and tell her your expectations now and see if she will agree, or just end it.


Having learned a lot these last few years about modern "dating" we had the talk about exclusivity and that specifically included HONESTY.



uhtred said:


> I think "lying is a deal breaker" should depend on the lie. You can of course choose as you want, but you should be clear at least to your self if you are *really* bothered by the lying or by her masturbating. Would you really feel this strongly if she lied about something else that also didn't affect you?
> 
> If you really can't tolerate your partner masturbating, that is your choice - but it will substantially limit you potential partners and is an unusual enough requirement that it needs to be communicated early. Masturbation is pretty common for men and women.


Yeah, cheers for the insight into your weird life where dishonesty seems to be acceptable.

I would have thought that a conversation that included the need for 100% transparency would have been communication enough?



Talk2Me said:


> I can't understand his concern here. Everyone masturbates so who cares? Why is he so jealous of it? What she does to herself on her own time is her business. She doesn't have to tell him whenever she does. I can't even remember the last time I masturbated but that's only bc my g/f and I have sex so often. However, when I do I don't always tell her. If she asks then sure but otherwise who really cares? People that are sexually satisfied or more likely to masturbate I would think as well.


Yay "everyone whacks off, who cares" 

It's not the whacking off it's the blatant lies about it.



badsanta said:


> I find this rather fascinating because of the contradictory nature of how you emphasize the idea of cheapening pleasure.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ah ha, you have a weird perspective, backwards to me but if it makes you feel better go for it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Peter/ have you broken up with her yet over your discovery?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.

So sorry, you may have thought your girlfriend understood that’s what you meant but I guarantee she did not.

On the other hand, I am also pretty sure if you had specifically also said to her during the exclusivity discussion that you meant you expected her not to masturbate, she would have said “yeah, that’s a no for me, see ya, next.”

At this point, I hope you just end it so you can look for someone who is compatible with you in this way. But if you don’t specify this to new potential dates, you can just assume it will happen the same way again.

So a rule for YOU going forward should be that they must agree to not masturbate as well as be exclusive, and that they must agree to allow you to make sure they are telling the truth. 

Good luck


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.
> 
> So sorry, you may have thought your girlfriend understood that’s what you meant but I guarantee she did not.
> 
> ...


LOLZ

HONESTY

You cling to the masturbation as though it is the biggest problem, really, it isn't, but the lying about it to my face in contrasting knowledge that she was lying to my face IS the biggest deal.

What if her batteries die and she bumps into the ex in the shop and decides that she will use him as her substitute for the battery operated pink thing? Is it also acceptable for her to withhold that snippet? I mean she could also class that as masturbation in a sense, or at least from that other dins perspective.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> @Peter/ have you broken up with her yet over your discovery?


She is with her folks in Cornwall since Tuesday, back on Saturday, dump her then I reckon.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Peter/ said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.
> ...


Please do her a favor and dump her quick.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
If you understood "exclusive to mean "no masturbation", you are using a different definition from the great majority of people. If that is what you want, then you will need to make that clear. 

Most people take "exclusive" to mean not having sex with other people. 

Its OK to want what you want, but you have to make that clear to potential partners. 

100% transparency can mean different things. Tracking when someone uses the bathroom, or eats anything or buys anything, thinks anything etc etc. 

Personally I don't want 100% transparency, I want reasonable transparency. 


If my wife had an affair I'd like to know, but I don't care if she masturbates, fantasizes, reads erotica or watches porn.

If she made a major purchase (say 10% of our yearly income) I'd like to know but otherwise I don't care

If she does something that means she won't be home when I expect her to be, I want to know so I don't worry, but I don't care where she goes to lunch, shopping or other miscellaneous things.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> Please do her a favor and dump her quick.


Saturday, when she gets back from her folks, seems cruel to do it over the phone, besides, I have to feed the cat until her return.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

uhtred said:


> 100% transparency can mean different things. Tracking when someone uses the bathroom, or eats anything or buys anything, thinks anything etc etc.
> 
> Personally I don't want 100% transparency, I want reasonable transparency.
> .


If you have entered into a relationship with someone and you agree to be 100% exclusive and 100% HONEST and transparent and they lie to you in the face of a direct question, is that reasonable? Is it more agreeable that they get to lie to you when you ask a direct question if makes them uncomfortable?

I want honesty.

I want to be respected enough to have open and honest conversations regardless of how uncomfortable the topic, I mean FFS she is a holocaust denier and speaks freely about her belief in a pact between the US and the Soviets to make the Germans the bad man of the war.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I find this whole thread kind of ironic. Usually the stereo type is that the woman freaks out because she finds porn her new man has been watching, she confronts him (usually with the same argument Peter has), and he either denies or tells her his solo habits are none of her business.

And then all the guys agree with him that she is nuts and has no right to try to control his mind or body and that he should dump her quick because she will clearly be boiling his bunny soon since only a crazy person would expect a grown man not to masturbate.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Please do her a favor and dump her quick.
> ...


You should probably just do it over phone and offer to watch her cat until her return. 

I think stalling would ruin her opportunity to line up a date for Saturday night. Just being practical here. If she's as sexual as you claim, and she's only interested in a short term fling, she could have another man lined up in the blink of an eye, someone more compatible with her than you are with her. It would also allow you an opportunity to line up a date with someone for Saturday. Give you an opportunity to find someone more compatible with your expectations.

Eta,: I don't think there's anything wrong with your expectations for complete honesty, I would have told you it's none of your business how often I masturbarte and then would have had the expectations talk with you to make sure we're on the same page.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some of us do have a consistent opinion on both situations. 



Faithful Wife said:


> I find this whole thread kind of ironic. Usually the stereo type is that the woman freaks out because she finds porn her new man has been watching, she confronts him (usually with the same argument Peter has), and he either denies or tells her his solo habits are none of her business.
> 
> And then all the guys agree with him that she is nuts and has no right to try to control his mind or body and that he should dump her quick because she will clearly be boiling his bunny soon since only a crazy person would expect a grown man not to masturbate.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> You should probably just do it over phone and offer to watch her cat until her return.
> 
> I think stalling would ruin her opportunity to line up a date for Saturday night. Just being practical here. If she's as sexual as you claim, and she's only interested in a short term fling, she could have another man lined up in the blink of an eye, someone more compatible with her than you are with her. It would also allow you an opportunity to line up a date with someone for Saturday. Give you an opportunity to find someone more compatible with your expectations.


I'll send her a text.

Thanks for the advice.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I'll send her a text.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Here's another bit of advice @Peter/ 
if you want to avoid this issue in the future, please be up front with your expectations as soon as you discuss exclusivity. Let your potential partner know what exactly exclusivity means to you including the expectation for 100% transparency on everything. This will hopefully save you and her from repeating this incident.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Some of us do have a consistent opinion on both situations.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It’s just funny to me because we recently had a thread where a bunch of guys were all saying that being jealous of masturbation was only something women do and that it’s stupid. And some of us were also saying that some men feel this way too and then men came and said no way that never happens.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> It’s just funny to me because we recently had a thread where a bunch of guys were all saying that being jealous of masturbation was only something women do and that it’s stupid. And some of us were also saying that some men feel this way too and then men came and said no way that never happens.


Every once in a while, one of our number surprises us, although this one is only mildly surprising rather than totally incomprehensible like hearing about a guy who would rather let his wife go than have more sex with her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > It’s just funny to me because we recently had a thread where a bunch of guys were all saying that being jealous of masturbation was only something women do and that it’s stupid. And some of us were also saying that some men feel this way too and then men came and said no way that never happens.
> ...


There are more like this than the ones like you know about.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> There are more like this than the ones like you know about.


I'm sure there are. It's must that most of us stereotypical guys don't easily grasp guys who engage in un-stereotypical guy like behavior. 

hmmmm... maybe that's why so many guys think they can speak for "women" as some sort of homogeneous group.... since we tend to assume the same about our own gender and either blind ourselves to the outliers, or worse, belittle or marginalize them.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> ...What if her batteries die... *she will use him as her substitute for the battery operated pink thing?*


*...and there we have it folks!* Talk about an existential crisis for a man and his penis.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

How did the break up text go?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> LOLZ
> 
> HONESTY
> 
> ...


That's a bit ridiculous right there and shows (respectfully) it's your insecurities that your human relationship sex is good enough. 

Nothing so far has indicated she's a cheating skank right?

Her not wanting you to ask about her masturbation habits isn't an atypical circumstance. It just isn't, at this stage.

Are you married yet? Pls beware; if this is a problem now, it'll be a problem after, ie not giving her some space.

Total "honesty" isn't achievable; not being lying hurtful deceitful cheater person, each to the other, is. 

Honesty in these and similar harmful arenas is achievable.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> I'll send her a text.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


A call is better than a text. Why wouldn't you call? 

Just imho, others certainly may differ; by text is a lazy and chicken way to do it.

And calling it seems would be quicker, when all the back and forth texting time is added up.

It seems like there are other things involved that are leading to the quick desire to break up, other than her saying no when persecuted about the vibrator. 

But either way, good luck. It now sounds like no one will really hurt after the break up. My apologies if I'm wrong.

But in every relationship/break up, one always learns something helpful for the next one. Experience is a great teacher.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I'm sure there are. It's must that most of us stereotypical guys don't easily grasp guys who engage in un-stereotypical guy like behavior.
> 
> hmmmm... maybe that's why so many guys think they can speak for "women" as some sort of homogeneous group.... since we tend to assume the same about our own gender and either blind ourselves to the outliers, or worse, belittle or marginalize them.


Absolutely. Women do this too. We will say “women want FITB”, even though only some women want whatever FITB is.

What seems to happen in some jealous man cases is that the mans own porn has attacked his mind, and now he can’t get away from the idea that women have probably screwed the whole football team, because they saw how much women like that in the movies. They have so convinced themselves that women do want these things, but they are just taboo, that they also believe “well, you probably tried a train at least once, I know I would have if I was you”.

The deep mistrust of female sexuality is hardly new, kind of has caused a lot of problems over the years. When I see it creep out of someone, I’m usually just amused or sad for them. Mistrust of male sexuality and sexuality in general is rampant everywhere too.

Then there are the solidarity claims about what men want sexually. “Men want FITB”. I just read those with my own add ins. I read it as “some men want...” because the some part is still true. But then I snicker to myself about all the amazing variances in what men want, and how this one man has no clue what the other men I’ve been with wanted and he doesn’t speak for any of them. And if they all knew what each other wanted while they all at one time or another claimed to speak for “men” and what they want...well, I would hope they would all laugh and be amazed at the long list of variables they never thought of AND all the things they want which the other men don’t. 

I’m not complaining! Mmmmmm......variety. Thank god all men don’t want the same things.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

😂 I had to look up what FITB stood for.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> 😂 I had to look up what FITB stood for.


I got Fifth Third Bancorp.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OP One thing I would suggest you think on. Honesty and transparency are a JOURNEY of many contributing factors. If you want/need/require that, FINE. But you might want to consider walking steps of that journey rather than impose a condition on exclusivity, even, perhaps, delaying exclusivity to allow for its development. That will, likely, work better for you than demanding it up front as most healthy people will resist either consciously or unconsciously.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> I got Fifth Third Bancorp.


I did too. 
Then one source was "the Urban Dictionary" where I got: Fill In The Blank(s).

One source had Fire In The Bowl, short for Fire In The Motherfing Bowl, which I figured wasn't it.
😊


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> OP One thing I would suggest you think on. Honesty and transparency are a JOURNEY of many contributing factors. If you want/need/require that, FINE. But you might want to consider walking steps of that journey rather than impose a condition on exclusivity, even, perhaps, delaying exclusivity to allow for its development.
> 
> That will, likely, work better for you than demanding it up front as *most healthy people will resist either consciously or unconsciously*.


Boy, then DW and I are extremely healthy. 

Due to similarities in challenges our upbringing, the quickest way to piss the other off, and I mean immediately, is to tell the other what to do, without discussion.

And we're both fiercely independent in certain areas.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

A potential break up over getting off, ridiculous, but not uncommon in TAM advice. The same thing happens with marriage, the advice is to divorce.

This could have been worked out or at least worked on. A four month relationship needs adjusting, unless a person is looking for perfection right off the bat.

I really liked Spicy's "“Mind if I go for another?” 

The way I see things is some people need one helping and some people go back for seconds, some don't want dessert. This is how it plays out at meal time. Why not sex too?

OP some people have been sex shamed for so long, being honest is difficult.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Handy said:


> A potential break up over getting off, ridiculous, but not uncommon in TAM advice. The same thing happens with marriage, the advice is to divorce.
> 
> This could have been worked out or at least worked on. A four month relationship needs adjusting, unless a person is looking for perfection right off the bat.
> 
> ...


Handy, every one gave the guy advice to work this out. He came back and told us all that her lying was unacceptable. So THEN we told him, do the girl a favor and cut her loose, because SHE deserves better.

He is not willing to see this any differently, so he is now the sex shamer towards her, which is ridiculous and not fair to her.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Peter/ said:


> If you have entered into a relationship with someone and you agree to be 100% exclusive and 100% HONEST and transparent and they lie to you in the face of a direct question, is that reasonable? Is it more agreeable that they get to lie to you when you ask a direct question if makes them uncomfortable?
> 
> I want honesty.
> 
> I want to be respected enough to have open and honest conversations regardless of how uncomfortable the topic, I mean FFS she is a holocaust denier and speaks freely about her belief in a pact between the US and the Soviets to make the Germans the bad man of the war.


Have you considered discussing this with her? For example:

"Hey, I noticed while getting the condom the other night that you had changed the batteries in your vibrator. Have you been masturbating? I'm totally cool with it if you are, I just want us to be honest with each other."

If she confirms she lied, then proceed to axe her for lying if you still feel that strongly about it. But for all you know, changing the batteries could have been on her to-do list for a week or so, and you mentioning it reminded her to change them. Or maybe she wanted to try integrating it into your bedroom time, and proactively changed the batteries so it would be ready to go. Or maybe the other batteries were going to acid from time and disuse. Point being, you haven't the slightest. Why not talk to her about it, before you just "dump" her. Why not treat her like a person?


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife, I don't disagree with what you said. What I have trouble with is the short distance or time between encouraging a person to try different things and quickly going to the advice to break up.

I came from a sexually repressed back ground and it took me a long time to change my ultra conservative thoughts. I am assuming the OP too needs time to make a few limited changes.

I think the people on TAM need to slow down with the make or break advice but put out suggestions how to gradually make improvements in any relationships. If after 3 or 6 months that doesn't work, then start with the heavy or drastic choices.

I did see some good advice (my opinion of good advice) when someone posted that OP should have another talk with the new GF in a gentle and caring way.

Maybe there are "fish in the sea" where OP lives. My location is very limited so I tend to put more effort into friendships. I am also not an "all or nothing" / "my way or the highway" person. I gradually get into and out of relationships.

Carry on with good intentions folks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Handy said:


> Faithful Wife, I don't disagree with what you said. What I have trouble with is the short distance or time between encouraging a person to try different things and quickly going to the advice to break up.
> 
> I came from a sexually repressed back ground and it took me a long time to change my ultra conservative thoughts. I am assuming the OP too needs time to make a few limited changes.
> 
> ...


Please go back and just read only the OP’s posts. No one suggested letting her go until he said straight up that this lie was too much for him. He also said very disparaging things about her, including that this is simply a 4 month throw away fling for him.

A 4 month fling where the OP is stating so many things that make it clear this will not be a good relationship for her, not even as a fling. He is being very mean and cruel about it all.

This is why people quickly advised to let her go. We want to AVOID bad marriages, and encourage bad short term relationships to end quicker than later. Because prolonging them ends up on a bad path.

We want to encourage people to go for what they want and not be mean to people on the way. In this case, we encouraged him to go on his way in order to stop being mean to her and to seek what he actually wants.

They aren’t married and never should be.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Peter/ said:


> She is with her folks in Cornwall since Tuesday, back on Saturday, dump her then I reckon.



Haha, don’t worry about this site: everything is always the OP’s fault. It’s just the land of the law here. You show tiny bit of insecurity, they will eat you alive. It’s really that black and white here sometimes.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Peter/ said:


> Saturday, when she gets back from her folks, seems cruel to do it over the phone, besides, I have to feed the cat until her return.



I am not sure sarcasm is that popular in US 


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Peter/ said:


> , I mean FFS she is a holocaust denier



That would be a bigger problem for me...



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Every once in a while, one of our number surprises us, although this one is only mildly surprising rather than totally incomprehensible like hearing about a guy who would rather let his wife go than have more sex with her.



He is not. It’s sarcasm. 
And I don’t know any guys who lie about masturbation. Yes, most guys watch porn and masturbate. But few lie about it. So the comparison is apple and oranges.
And actually the ones that lie mostly do it because their wives give them crap about it. Or religion.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> How did the break up text go?



She stopped masturbating and only does it now with his explicit permission and they lived happily ever after. 
He told me. I’m going to their wedding.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ok a serious reply: why does she lie about it...
She probably feels insecure or ashamed about it and it was a reflex or you guys haven’t been together long enough that she feels she can tell you those things. Or, have you considered that she might be telling you the truth and doesn’t masturbate? (Or rarely does).

Either way, your secondary question/issue: why does she need to masturbate if she’s having frequent sex with you...Some women have the need to masturbate more, in addition to sex. ‘Cos their sex drives are more like the guys (I don’t think it’s the majority but there are definitely plenty that do). It doesn’t mean they don’t like sex with you or that masturbation replaces it. (Watch how someone will get furious about this paragraph).

You should actually consider yourself lucky: it means that if you stay together, she is likely to always remain a sexual person with you and it’s more likely that she will always want to **** you instead of offering you pity, duty or starfish sex.

If you read these forums a bit longer, the biggest single thing guys complain about is lack of sex. It is less likely to happen with a woman like this. Then guys write how they wished they met a woman like this and how does one ‘weed out’ to find a ‘sexual’ woman. 
It’s funny because I often write that once you do, you can easily become insecure and there’s a chance that that kind of dynamic is not gonna work out either. There’s always a price to pay...But it doesn’t have to be that way if you can control yourself.

Remember, the more you show her your insecurities, the more likely it will turn her off of you. It doesn’t mean you should be oblivious to everything that’s going on. There is always a risk she might cheat on you (other than with a vibrator ). But I doubt the risk is much higher than with a woman that doesn’t masturbate constantly...I haven’t read studied about it or ran experiments 



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

OP: read this. Hopefully it will put your mind at rest that you are hitting all the right spots, lol:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/...men-masturbate-make-the-difference-women-dont

"What was unique about the Regnerus, Price & Gordon (2017) study that he writes about is that they added the variable of how content participants were with their sexual frequency, rather than simply how often they had sex. If you’re having sex twice a week and are happy about it, you may have less of a desire for masturbation than if you would like to have sex four times a week. Seems like a pretty important variable to add, right? The studies that didn’t consider satisfaction with sexual frequency seem to implicitly assume that everyone wants about the same amount of sex which is clearly not the case.

Hopefully not surprisingly, the study found that it does indeed matter how satisfied you are with your sexual frequency, not just how often you’re having sex. However, *it was really interesting that they found a big gender difference: Men tended to masturbate in a compensatory way, using it to make up for the desired sex that they aren’t getting. Meanwhile, women tended to masturbate in more of a complementary way—the more sex they had, the more they masturbated*; one primed the pump for the other. Obviously, these are group averages, so there are individual differences, but the trends were there."

No idea why many are attacking you here. Just ignore it. I hope you haven't broken up with anyone yet 
Now I am getting concerned that my wife doesn't seem masturbate much...Maybe she is not getting enough sex!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

That's the problem with vibrators that are bigger than the OP's junk becoming sentient.

The girlfriend can't tell the OP her secret, that her vibrator is alive and they are best pals with benefits, everytime the OP visits, the vibrator has to jump into the cupboard and become stiff.

OP do the right thing and break up with her. You cannot come between a girl and her best friend. You literally cannot..

She'll be happier anyway..literally


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## greg28 (Jun 26, 2018)

She’s mad because she found out that you like to watch porn so she’s stuffing the panty clam secretly when you’re away


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.
> 
> So sorry, you may have thought your girlfriend understood that’s what you meant but I guarantee she did not.
> 
> ...


The real and very serious problem with this post and many like it are an absolutely belligerent ignoring of the facts as stated.

He has no problem, as in zero issues, with her masturbating. He has understandable problems with her blatantly lying to him.

He didn't snoop. She has it in a well visible and used place and it is apparently being used.

Your remarks about his MB habits and porn use would come into play if she had asked him a similar question.

That is not the case at all. You, and many others, are making a case on non existing elements you are making up.

Some of the advice is not too bad, about why she might be lying and how to broach that subject to bring her out of her shell or that maybe she never ever really uses it but just keeps moving it and replacing the batteries, sure....

The issue is blatantly lying instead of telling the truth or simply saying she didn't want to talk about it.

She isn't a child and I wouldn't be comfortable continuing with someone who wasn't grown up enough to be straight with me by either saying the subject was off limits or the truth.

Lies don't fly at all with me and I suspect you don't enjoy it much either.

I use to consume porn like water. I never lied about it to partners especially if they saw some of it and asked.

Mrs. Conan was aware of it when we started dating and I was honest with her about it when she asked way before the 4 month mark of our relationship.

This thread isn't about masturbating at all but honesty.

I'm going to read all the posts now and if OP is going over the top on insulting his gf, I will call out about it.

I'm having a very hard time understanding how so many intelligent posters are not paying attention to the facts.

If she kept seeing porn on his open laptop every time she was at his place and it was in a very accessible spot and she asked him about it and he lied blatantly by saying he hadn't watched it in months despite there being a different site every time she was over, I could see you having a valid counterpoint argument.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.
> ...


Conan - chill the F out.

Your own deal with lying is causing to you over emphasize things that YOU have a problem with.

We did tell him to break up with her exactly because he has such a problem with the lying that he’s not going to get over it.

Jeez. Be calm and try to understand that the girl simply did not want to be honest about her vibe use and this does not make her a horrible liar. However we did still advise him to cut her loose because HE sees it that way.

Get your facts straight at least about what I’m saying before you come after me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> Here's another bit of advice @Peter/
> if you want to avoid this issue in the future, please be up front with your expectations as soon as you discuss exclusivity. Let your potential partner know what exactly exclusivity means to you including the expectation for 100% transparency on everything. This will hopefully save you and her from repeating this incident.


Good Lord!

Did you miss where he posted that they already did have the honesty conversation????

No one is actually reading this guy's posts!!!

It is like him saying that he fed her cat this morning and you reply that the next girl he dates, he should remember to feed her cat!!!!

Is anyone even reading here?

Your earlier post was almost spot on however when you said you would tell your bf you didn't want to talk about it instead of lying.

Too bad OP's gf isn't quite as grown up as you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Conan - chill the F out.
> 
> Your own deal with lying is causing to you over emphasize things that YOU have a problem with.
> 
> ...


The facts are he has a problem with her blatantly lying. You ignored that in your post to claim it was about her masturbating.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.


OP clearly said he didn't have a problem with this. You ignored that and lectured him about masturbating even though it had nothing to do with the lying that was the real issue.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Conan, ok so you are the most honest guy on earth and when you were dating you told everyone about all the porn you watched.

Well guess what? Most people and particularly men do not give details about their solo habits without being asked. And many when asked will tell a half truth. 

If you poll every guy here and ask if they have always been honest about their porn and masturbation habits to the women in their lives, guess how many would tell you that they will never be honest and yes they have lied about it.

I think you need a lift off your high horse for a minute. You don’t speak for everyone, and on this topic, you don’t speak for very many.

Most people sympathize with this girl because of the way the guy is being an ass about the whole thing.

Her lying about her vibe may warrant him breaking up with her but it doesn’t warrant cruelty. From you, either.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Peter, something you apparently did not learn about dating in this age is that when you agree to be exclusive, people do not think you also mean no masturbation.
> ...


And in the end I said he is right he should end it because he can’t get over it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Good Lord!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I know it’s ridiculous.



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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Conan, check your PM’s.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Here's another bit of advice @Peter/
> ...


 @ConanHub I have read every post made by the OP and haven't missed anything. 

OP stated



> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.


Some women do not need or want the level of intimacy that the OP is looking to have. 

Some women also do not feel that masturbation and porn cheapen intimacy.

As far as all of his posts show, he communicated neither of those expectations to this woman hes been seeing for 4 months. 


He needs to make sure he communicates these expectations before entering into an exclusive relationship with another woman. It will avoid him from repeating the same thing he's experienced with this woman in the future.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Lila said:


> @ConanHub I have read every post made by the OP and haven't missed anything.
> 
> OP stated
> 
> ...


The thing is even "communicating" is not clear enough. If someone said I need total honesty, never in a million years would I think that meant I could not have a private life WITH MYSELF.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @ConanHub I have read every post made by the OP and haven't missed anything.
> ...


I totally agree with you. In this case, OP should be detailed with the deal breakers. And do so quickly. 

Personally, he described this as a "fling". Ain't no way on this God's green earth that I am going to be 100% transparent with someone who sees me or whom I see as "just a fling". That type of intimacy is something reserved for a committed relationship in my book.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Op can’t win can he: he wants honesty, he gets blasted for not having agreed to honesty with her beforehand.
He wonders why she needs to masturbate if they have frequent sex, he gets blasted for...being a male. Because males masturbate to porn and hide it form their spouses.
None of the replies make any sense.

There seems to be some kind of underlying agenda wrt men and porn. Which has nothing to do with the thread or OP. One of the first things he said was that he doesn’t masturbate nor does he watch porn because they have frequent sex and even if he did, I don’t see what’s wrong with wondering why she is masturbating and why she is uncomfortable with telling him that she is.
What a car crash of a thread.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> How did the break up text go?


If it is just a fling, do you think he is really going to dump a sure thing? He will probably get all romantic and put dead batteries in her pink thing along with this note:



> Bob's FREE Emergency Vibrator Repair Service
> 24/7 Service with Immediate Response times
> Just text me!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

InMyPrime said:


> He wonders why she needs to masturbate if they have frequent sex, he gets blasted for...being a male. Because males masturbate to porn and hide it form their spouses.
> None of the replies make any sense.
> 
> There seems to be some kind of underlying agenda wrt men and porn. Which has nothing to do with the thread or OP.


 @InMyPrime it is probably a trigger of a discussion for many that have been in marriages where the other spouse masturbated and then hid it. 

Then you have others that are completely open about the topic in relationships and see the obvious benefits. 

BUT, it is not fair for someone to try and get the best of both worlds when it comes to this.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @InMyPrime it is probably a trigger of a discussion for many that have been in marriages where the other spouse masturbated and then hid it.
> 
> Then you have others that are completely open about the topic in relationships and see the obvious benefits.
> 
> BUT, it is not fair for someone to try and get the best of both worlds when it comes to this.


I am not sure, I think it is going beyond porn and MB; it's as if merely enquiring about her masturbating is somehow an attempt at controlling female sexuality. I don't understand this mindset (or rather, paranoia) at all. And again, it's nothing to do with thread or OP.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> Personally, he described this as a "fling". Ain't no way on this God's green earth that I am going to be 100% transparent with someone who sees me or whom I see as "just a fling". That type of intimacy is something reserved for a committed relationship in my book.


No he hasn't. What he said was this:

"if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship."

We are reading the same text right? Or is my version of TAM man-proof for safe consumption?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

InMyPrime said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Personally, he described this as a "fling". Ain't no way on this God's green earth that I am going to be 100% transparent with someone who sees me or whom I see as "just a fling". That type of intimacy is something reserved for a committed relationship in my book.
> ...


My interpretation is based on the English language. You are welcome to interpret in whatever language (made up or real) as you deem necessary.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> My interpretation is based on the English language. You are welcome to interpret in whatever language (made up or real) as you deem necessary.


He's saying that if they can't be honest with each other about such trivial things, it might as well just be a fling.
You read the word 'fling' and the pinball went off. English is my 3rd language. Even I can understand what was meant.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

InMyPrime said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > My interpretation is based on the English language. You are welcome to interpret in whatever language (made up or real) as you deem necessary.
> ...


No, that's not what he's saying....take it from someone whose first language IS English.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lila said:


> No, that's not what he's saying....take it from someone whose first language IS English.


Ok....so he's then saying that because they can't be honest with each other, there's no point in looking at it as being a fling then? :scratchhead: Which means it IS a serious relationship?
That makes much more sense...Please explain? 
Perhaps I should take up classes again...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

InMyPrime said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > No, that's not what he's saying....take it from someone whose first language IS English.
> ...


I'm not going to explain it because it'll do no good in doing so. 

Interpret OPs comment however your heart desires. Post your advice based on that interpretation and let the rest of us post our advice based on our own.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Message:-*

Folks, the topic is: "Her and her vibrator" not: "Hey! Why don't random dudes and dudettes chat about their sex lives?"

Please knock off the off topic posts, OK?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Having learned a lot these last few years about modern "dating" we had the talk about exclusivity and that specifically included HONESTY.
> 
> 
> I would have thought that a conversation that included the need for 100% transparency would have been communication enough?


 @Lila

Here is the post about honesty being discussed that I mentioned.

I agree with you that OP might look negatively about masturbating.

I still believe the sticking point is lying about it.

I also agree with you that he should be clear about his feelings about masturbation with his partner.

I think we both saw this post from our gender perspectives and I think we both had valid points.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peter/ said:


> Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> 
> I don't masturbate and don't watch porn when in a relationship as I feel it cheapens the intimacy I should feel with my partner.
> 
> Must admit though, reading through the responses here has made me realise that the lying should be he deal breaker.


OP, I focused like a laser on the lie because that is a real danger to relationships.

You stated already that you were not bothered about her masturbating.

If she had just said not talking about it or just conversed about it and not lied, would you have been fine either way?

I probably wouldn't break up with her yet but that is just me.

I would probably tell her I was bothered about her not being truthful with me or just telling me it was none of my business.

I don't know your story. Have you been cheated on or significantly lied to by a partner before?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> @Lila
> 
> Here is the post about honesty being discussed that I mentioned.
> 
> ...


I get that. I do. I value honesty. But ... as I have mentioned before, the expectation of honesty must be done in the context of safety. Having both the desire for honesty AND a dog in the answer fight is a no win situation... for either of them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I get that. I do. I value honesty. But ... as I have mentioned before, the expectation of honesty must be done in the context of safety. Having both the desire for honesty AND a dog in the answer fight is a no win situation... for either of them.


If I understand this, you mean that she might have feared his response if she had just admitted using her toy?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> If I understand this, you mean that she might have feared his response if she had just admitted using her toy?


Whether directly or subconsciously. But that is a distinct possibility.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are "Landmine" people. You never know what might set them off, so quickly learn to be careful every saying anything that might be taken badly. 

"do you think John Snow on GOT is attractive". You worry that a "yes" will result in anger and sulking because you are comparing them to an actor.

"What was your favorite time we had together" damn, mention a day with sex or not. Might it be "all about sex" or might I be ignoring sex.

on and on. 

In most cases ending the relationship is the best answer, but sometimes people don't do that and instead tell lots of little lies to prevent explosions.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Peter/ said:
> 
> 
> > Not really, if we cannot share honesty about our most intimate components of our lives then there really can't be much point in looking at this as a short term fling and certainly not a long term relationship.
> ...


Thanks for posting that @ConanHub. 

OP has decided that the lie about her vibrator use is unforgivable and that he wants to stop seeing her. I think it's the right decision. He's only been seeing her for 4 months. That's a drop in the bucket. It's best that they move on to more compatible people before one or the other develops deeper feelings.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

uhtred said:


> There are "Landmine" people. You never know what might set them off, so quickly learn to be careful every saying anything that might be taken badly.
> 
> "do you think John Snow on GOT is attractive". You worry that a "yes" will result in anger and sulking because you are comparing them to an actor.
> 
> ...


I'm better looking than Snow. >


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> There are "Landmine" people. You never know what might set them off, so quickly learn to be careful every saying anything that might be taken badly.
> 
> "do you think John Snow on GOT is attractive". You worry that a "yes" will result in anger and sulking because you are comparing them to an actor.
> 
> ...


The thing is. I don't love lies. But relationships are a journey of trust. For ME, if my partner lost his noodle over THIS lie -- I may well be in the process of delaying to get my head in order to figure out what the question even means. We don't get to know the tone of the question even. 

I guess.... the notion that a single thing said at a single point in time over something personal being a deal breaker really should be. Because FOR ME, the journey of trust would not be possible. If he asked, have you every killed your mother and I lied, well I guess that would be different...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'm better looking than Snow. >


Please. There's ego. Then there's ego.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agreed. There is a level of comfort required to not lie. Also, there are some questions that really should not be asked. Asking someone if they masturbate seems out of bounds to me, unless your intent is entirely for the sake of offering to join / improve the experience if they should so wish. 






NobodySpecial said:


> The thing is. I don't love lies. But relationships are a journey of trust. For ME, if my partner lost his noodle over THIS lie -- I may well be in the process of delaying to get my head in order to figure out what the question even means. We don't get to know the tone of the question even.
> 
> I guess.... the notion that a single thing said at a single point in time over something personal being a deal breaker really should be. Because FOR ME, the journey of trust would not be possible. If he asked, have you every killed your mother and I lied, well I guess that would be different...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I probably wouldn't break up with her yet but that is just me.


Nobody is breaking up with anyone. That was *sarcasm*.
People....seriously. :crazy:

"She is with her folks in Cornwall since Tuesday, back on Saturday, dump her then I reckon."

"Saturday, when she gets back from her folks, seems cruel to do it over the phone, besides, I have to feed the cat until her return."


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

InMyPrime said:


> Nobody is breaking up with anyone. That was *sarcasm*.
> People....seriously. :crazy:
> 
> "She is with her folks in Cornwall since Tuesday, back on Saturday, dump her then I reckon."
> ...


Could be. Could be something else but I'm not going there.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Do what wife and I have done for over 30 years. She uses it while we have intercourse. After 6 orgasms. (her's not mine) I know she completely satisfied until the next day. she's 75 i'm 77


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Buy her another vibrator on the down low, leave it by the others. 

Make it a really nice one.

Kind of like going fishing. See what happens.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

This woman’s across-the-drawer moving, Duracell-to-Energizer changing pink vibe is quite disturbing. If I were the OP I would install a VAR, hire a detective, notify local law enforcement, and DNA test the kids.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

So glad to see that this went further off the rails than I had realised LOL

I didn't dump her, she dumped me, turns out that Cornwall with the folks was code for away with new lover for a romantic holiday while I watch her cat.

I hadn't bothered to come back and post about it as I know a lot of you seem to think that deceit is absolutely fine and that little white lies don't matter and that I was the arcehole because I communicated that I expect 100% honesty and that I would like to know whether or not we are exclusive, turns out that my insecurities are well founded and that these modern wammins are just slags that will hop on any c0ck that comes near them.

I found Jesus, well, sort of, I've taken up a bible reading class and I've decided to concentrate on making myself a better man and to heck with this dating carp.

I was never actually looking for anything, I just take life one day at a time, but I started to feel a connection that made me nervous and cautious of being hurt, I wasn't sure if this was just a fling in her eyes, whether there was a long haul and maybe more so I asked the right questions in my mind, I saw an issue and came here to ask for advice on something I know nothing much about before I got hurt, and it does hurt, it hurts to be lied to, it hurts to know that I was just something to keep the bed warm and feed the cat while some other dude is banging her brains out.


I'm going to bed now but I thought I might let you all know that it all went Pete Tong and I got hurt again.

Good night.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Peter,

You wrote, * I hadn't bothered to come back and post about it as I know a lot of you seem to think that deceit is absolutely fine and that little white lies don't matter and that I was the arcehole because I communicated that I expect 100% honesty and that I would like to know whether or not we are exclusive, turns out that my insecurities are well founded and that these modern wammins are just slags that will hop on any c0ck that comes near them.*

I would never have told you that, small lies are often the tip of an iceberg that we ignore at our peril. They are red flags they warn about maxed out credit cards, secret loans and booze bottles hidden all around the house.

Get tested for STDs.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry to hear it even though I suspected.

Take care mate and thanks for the update.

P.S. she was everything you called her but not all women are. I get your anger however.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> No, that's not what he's saying....take it from someone whose first language IS English.





TAMAT said:


> Peter,
> 
> You wrote, * I hadn't bothered to come back and post about it as I know a lot of you seem to think that deceit is absolutely fine and that little white lies don't matter and that I was the arcehole because I communicated that I expect 100% honesty and that I would like to know whether or not we are exclusive, turns out that my insecurities are well founded and that these modern wammins are just slags that will hop on any c0ck that comes near them.*
> 
> ...


Been tested, she gave me chlamydia, could have been a lot worse I suppose.

I feel like I just want to check out of life lately, a 40yr old divorcee with very few real prospects in life doesn't seem appealing, even to me :frown2:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> So glad to see that this went further off the rails than I had realised LOL
> 
> I didn't dump her, she dumped me, turns out that Cornwall with the folks was code for away with new lover for a romantic holiday while I watch her cat.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you were hurt in your relationship with this woman but please don't let this one relationship ruin your view of women. Modern relationships are tough to navigate for both men and women. All you can do is work on you. Good luck.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> I'm sorry that you were hurt in your relationship with this woman but please don't let this one relationship ruin your view of women. Modern relationships are tough to navigate for both men and women. All you can do is work on you. Good luck.



I'm not having much luck with women at all these past years, was cheated on last year and again this year by this woman.

I'm sure not all women are like this, who knows? Can't say as I have much enthusiasm to find out.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I'm not having much luck with women at all these past years, was cheated on last year and again this year by this woman.
> 
> I'm sure not all women are like this, who knows? Can't say as I have much enthusiasm to find out.


Oh @Peter/, it's not just you. It's modern dating in general. You can probably look through the Life After Divorce threads and see all of the garbage both single men and women deal with everyday. It's a **** show out there. All you can do is be the best person you can be and let others be who they will.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry to hear it even though I suspected.
> 
> Take care mate and thanks for the update.
> 
> P.S. she was everything you called her but not all women are. I get your anger however.


Thanks man, it's all getting a bit much for me at times, desperately trying not to dwell on this but I wanted to pop in and bring this all to an unhappy conclusion, thankfully it wasn't just my paranoia but much more sinister.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Lila said:


> Oh @Peter/, it's not just you. It's modern dating in general. You can probably look through the Life After Divorce threads and see all of the garbage both single men and women deal with everyday. It's a **** show out there. All you can do is be the best person you can be and let others be who they will.


I get it, once you hit 30, if you're married then expect it to fall apart and her to cheat on you, if you're in a relationship then expect that to fall apart when she cheats on you and if you hit 40 and are still single then basically life is over and bi monthly trips to countries with legalised prostitution is both cheaper and more emotionally safer for you.

I think that about sums it up.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Peter/ said:


> I get it, once you hit 30, if you're married then expect it to fall apart and her to cheat on you, if you're in a relationship then expect that to fall apart when she cheats on you and if you hit 40 and are still single then basically life is over and bi monthly trips to countries with legalised prostitution is both cheaper and more emotionally safer for you.
> 
> I think that about sums it up.


No one of value is going to date you with this attitude, that's why you end up with duds. 

I've been there. I was cheated on and abused so many times I thought all men were like that. It made me end up with men who were like that. 

When I changed and realized how many amazing, wonderful men were out there, and became healthy enough that a good man would want to be with me, I started meeting great men. 

Fix you first, then find love. You will keep ending up in the same cycle if you don't.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one of value is going to date you with this attitude, that's why you end up with duds.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yep. Op...your picker is broke. Spend some time figuring out why you gravitate to this type of woman.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Peter/ said:


> I get it, once you hit 30, if you're married then expect it to fall apart and her to cheat on you, if you're in a relationship then expect that to fall apart when she cheats on you and if you hit 40 and are still single then basically life is over and *bi monthly trips to countries with legalised prostitution is both cheaper and more emotionally safer for you.*
> 
> I think that about sums it up.


I'm pretty sure these days you have to use all your air miles to qualify for this thing called a "quickie pass" or you'll just be standing in line indefinitely while everyone else gets to cut in front of you. Sometimes Spirit Airlines will do some pretty good promotions if you happen to live in Miami!

https://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifest...lines-cartagena-sale-more-bang-for-your-buck/


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> 
> I'm there most everyday and we have sex most days too, but I started to notice a few months back that even though we were having a lot of sex that her vibrator was in a different spot in the bedside drawer every time I went in there for a rubber so I made a mental note of it's position and check it and sure enough, it's had several sets of batteries and moves around the drawer almost daily.
> 
> ...


Do you use vibrators as well or not? Do you think only women should use them? 
If you use them, maybe you can ask to borrow it for yourself. That might relax her about its use.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Peter/ said:


> I didn't dump her, she dumped me, turns out that Cornwall with the folks was code for away with new lover for a romantic holiday while I watch her cat.


What a sweet lady! 



Peter/ said:


> I found Jesus, well, sort of, I've taken up a bible reading class and I've decided to concentrate on making myself a better man and to heck with this dating carp.


Good news!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> Do you use vibrators as well or not? Do you think only women should use them?
> If you use them, maybe you can ask to borrow it for yourself. That might relax her about its use.


Read update at post #145.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

MaiChi said:


> Do you use vibrators as well or not? Do you think only women should use them?
> If you use them, maybe you can ask to borrow it for yourself. That might relax her about its use.



Read full thread and post #145 please.

This whole episode of my life went South, still a little bitter, not exactly happy about the way it turned out.

But please, tell me about how having a big pink vibrator rammed up my arce can make my life better :2gunsfiring_v1:


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> Read full thread and post #145 please.
> 
> This whole episode of my life went South, still a little bitter, not exactly happy about the way it turned out.
> 
> But please, tell me about how having a big pink vibrator rammed up my arce can make my life better :2gunsfiring_v1:


Vibrators do not have to be RAMMED up anyone. Dildos may. Vibrators vibrate the local area and is what the pleasure comes from, not RAMMING. Its size is not relevant either.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> This woman’s across-the-drawer moving, Duracell-to-Energizer changing pink vibe is quite disturbing. If I were the OP I would install a VAR, hire a detective, notify local law enforcement, and DNA test the kids.


I laughed out loud!

Ha!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Peter/ said:


> Read full thread and post #145 please.
> 
> This whole episode of my life went South, still a little bitter, not exactly happy about the way it turned out.
> 
> But please, tell me about how having a big pink vibrator rammed up my arce can make my life better :2gunsfiring_v1:


I'd go with not, here. But that's just me. Certainly ok without my having to say, that others omv.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

MaiChi said:


> Vibrators do not have to be RAMMED up anyone. Dildos may. Vibrators vibrate the local area and is what the pleasure comes from, not RAMMING. Its size is not relevant either.


You realise that I am a guy right?

You might also note that I am not only a man but straight, as in, I f#*$ chicks and there is a sign on my arce that reads "No Entry".

What is it with you freaks that seem to think all guys need stuff rammed up their jaxi to make them more manly FFS :scratchhead:


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Peter, you can get off with a vibrator on the pener. It doesn't need to go in your butt.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I haven't met a man who's life hasn't become better by having a sex toy up their rear FTR  I am nice and always share my toys. 

Seriously, there's a lot of uptight in this thread. It's fine as long as you find someone compatible but there's nothing wrong with toys and masturbation and neither mean someone is going to be a cheater. 

These triggers and deal breakers are things that need to be brought up within the first couple dates, not months later.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I think I've shared this already; imho toys are always great to use in encounters. 

We have a couple presently, have had a variety in 35yrs.

I'm sure DW uses them time to time if I'm not around, and I've never had a problem with that emotionally or relationship-wise. 

My general opinion is work it, you hot woman you, whenever. 

Can I watch?

😜😜😜❤❤❤


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

Don’t be intimidated by her vibe. It’s totally cool that she playing on her own. Don’t you? I got a hitachi wand for my wife and put it i her out bed . I love the thought of her using it we use it a lot during sex to. It’s a good primer nothing to worry about !


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Peter/ said:


> I've been in a new relationship for about 4 months now, I knew she had a vibrator, could hardly miss the bloody great pink thing.
> 
> I'm there most everyday and we have sex most days too, but I started to notice a few months back that even though we were having a lot of sex that her vibrator was in a different spot in the bedside drawer every time I went in there for a rubber so I made a mental note of it's position and check it and sure enough, it's had several sets of batteries and moves around the drawer almost daily.
> 
> ...


I don't think people should lie to their sex partner. My hubs lies about his masturbation also. I'm not going to compare your girlfriend to my husband, though as I think the reasons for the lying are different for different people.

I just don't think it's a great thing for a relationship wherein the lying part is troublesome for the other partner. If she had a partner who was, like, cool, she likes to self-satisfy on top of us having sex - cool. Then, that would be different.

Anyway, I'm more like you - I like cards out on the table. If I'd been paying better attention 29 years ago - or hadn't gotten so expertly fooled - I'd have picked a different partner. I don't like habitual lying.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Peter/ said:


> So glad to see that this went further off the rails than I had realised LOL
> 
> I didn't dump her, she dumped me, turns out that Cornwall with the folks was code for away with new lover for a romantic holiday while I watch her cat.
> 
> ...


That's so f'd up. 

Too bad honest people can't find honest people. Sorry I just now saw this thread.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

redwingpentagon said:


> Don’t be intimidated by her vibe. It’s totally cool that she playing on her own. Don’t you? I got a hitachi wand for my wife and put it i her out bed . I love the thought of her using it we use it a lot during sex to. It’s a good primer nothing to worry about !


He's not intimidated - he just didn't want to be with someone who couldn't tell the truth. I agree, if a person can't be truthful about the little things, they can't be truthful about the big things.


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> redwingpentagon said:
> 
> 
> > Don’t be intimidated by her vibe. It’s totally cool that she playing on her own. Don’t you? I got a hitachi wand for my wife and put it i her out bed . I love the thought of her using it we use it a lot during sex to. It’s a good primer nothing to worry about !
> ...


Agreed !


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is turning into a country song!

"Her and Her Vibrator" by Jimmy Shakesalot.

Just add a reference to a truck or a train, maybe a horse, and we're off!


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## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

Would love for my wife to use her vibrator any time and as often as she desired!


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is turning into a country song!
> 
> "Her and Her Vibrator" by Jimmy Shakesalot.
> 
> Just add a reference to a truck or a train, maybe a horse, and we're off!


I'd like to see something a little more subtle, like: 

I thought love was real 
Till she told me she still
Used her rabbit out of habit
when she wasn't with me

Can I get a C chord over here?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

This thread is bound to go on til infinity .... it's no doubt us men love the thought of our women getting it on with themselves. It's practically the definition of hot (look it up in Websters)

We use toys. They are a lot of fun and add a little kink factor thrill. Good fun for all.

I'll never understand the type of guy that started this thread. I just don't get it.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> This thread is bound to go on til infinity .... it's no doubt us men love the thought of our women getting it on with themselves. It's practically the definition of hot (look it up in Websters)
> 
> We use toys. They are a lot of fun and add a little kink factor thrill. Good fun for all.
> 
> I'll never understand the type of guy that started this thread. I just don't get it.


That guy's lady was lying to him - and ultimately cheating on him and that was the issue, not the vibrator.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

happiness27 said:


> That guy's lady was lying to him - and ultimately cheating on him and that was the issue, not the vibrator.


This is the part where I raise my hand and admit I didn't read past a couple post of the thread :grin2:


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