# Porn - Not the end of life



## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

This posting is to open up a discussion about porn from the viewpoint that it is not the "evil" entity that it seems to to be to a lot of people.

I have noticed a lot of posts in the forum where wives prosecute their husbands for viewing porn. Lets face it, all men have or do watch porn, I do not care what they tell you, they do. 

With that thought in mind, if you make porn taboo (while at the same time possibly having sex once every week or less with your husband) then you wonder why they can become obsessed with it.

If you are away for the weekend, or you husband is away on a business trip would you father not have him watching porn than possibly turning to another women? or feeling like his needs are not being met and becoming resentful?

There are many things in porn that are way out there; however, there are also things that you might like to experiment with your partner. You can use porn to make your sex life more spicy without effecting your intimacy. You do not need to have a body like the women in the videos to be a sex vixen and please your husband. 

The only time porn viewing imo becomes an issue is when it is an obsession and your partner is using it constantly instead of having sex with you.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The porn lie.

All men do it or are lying.

Accept porn or he will cheat.


Sounds a lot more like fear mongering than a justification for lusting after others when you promised to remain faithful.

Faithfulness begins in the mind. You can't see it because you don't want to give it up. 

I really think the pro porn argument is lame. It is a lot like a cheater saying it meant nothing. That sounds a lot like someone who is a liar or unable to look within.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Actually, not all men do. My husband doesn't. He even says he doesn't care for it. His friends tease him because once they went to a strip club (before he met me) and he spent the whole time in the arcade. He says he'd rather be with a woman. So not "all" of anyone does anything. Absolutes really don't exist.

We don't need porn in our relationship. We are experimental and don't need visual stimulus other than each other.

I think to some people, porn is evil and that's ok. That's their choice to set that boundary. I was happy that my husband wasn't into porn. I don't care for it and wouldn't want him watching it. I'm hardly a prude. I just think porn leads to other things and can easily become an obsession. 

If my husband can't control himself for a weekend, we have bigger issues than porn. Holy crap. I go away for the weekend and don't turn towards other men. I don't worry that he'll go away for the weekend and turn to another woman. 

We made a commitment to each other. Three days apart isn't going to break that. Although, the reunion will be AWESOME!


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm reminded of an old Native American story. A grandfather is explaining to his grandson that we all have a good side and an evil side. He explained that we have two wolves that live in our hearts. The grandson asked which one would win. The wise old Indian chief said, "The one that wins is the one you feed."

Men have enough of a struggle keeping their thoughts focused on their wives as it is. We can't help it. We're visually aroused creatures. Why feed that wolf with porn?


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Here's the deal (sort of)

Before internet access to all of humanity, to see porn, a man had to either
1. go buy a magazine from a cashier somewhere (or steal it)
or
2. go to a place to watch a movie where he would possibly be seen going to see it

Now, any old person can log on and browse and get the most XXX stuff imaginable to warp their brains.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think porn can have it's place. We enjoy erotic literature together - we both enjoy that more than pictures. Once in a while we'll watch a movie together too.

Our situation isn't typical because my husband has a sex addiction. So we have strict limits, and it's always up to him what we indulge in because he knows how far he can go and not be sucked in to going too far. Pretty much anything online is taboo because pretty much everything online has pop ups for sex chats and hook up sites unfortunately. Which is what lured him into cheating.

I wonder to myself sometimes whether he would have cheated if there was no such thing as online porn.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

misticli said:


> This posting is to open up a discussion about porn from the viewpoint that it is not the "evil" entity that it seems to to be to a lot of people.
> 
> I have noticed a lot of posts in the forum where wives prosecute their husbands for viewing porn. Lets face it, all men have or do watch porn, I do not care what they tell you, they do.
> 
> ...


If a man is so lame that he cannot be away for a weekend without porn being an option rather than cheating, well guess what....you aren't ever getting in my pants.
As for the women in porn being competition for wives, hilarious. I don't personally find track marks/noticeable coke habit, orb shaped cheap implants, visible puncture wounds from lip injections and platinum blonde weaves to be my competition but good to know you appreciate that look. There is someone for everyone I guess.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> We don't need porn in our relationship. We are experimental and don't need visual stimulus other than each other.
> 
> I think to some people, porn is evil and that's ok. That's their choice to set that boundary. I was happy that my husband wasn't into porn. I don't care for it and wouldn't want him watching it. I'm hardly a prude. I just think porn leads to other things and can easily become an obsession.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have been with my H for 12 years and i knew he viewed porn sometimes and i had no problem with it as long as he didnt lie to me about it. We even watched it together a few times. Then within the last year porn replaced the intimacy and sex in our relationship. We didn't kiss, no touching, barely any sex and it wasn't like I wasnt trying either cause i wanted some ****. But he was viewing porn so much and masturbating all the time he didn't have any sex drive when it came to fulfilling my needs and wants. If it were up to me we would be banging each other like once a day. 

Personally i don't get it and it does nothing for me.
Porn +hand versus soft warm woman+ many positions<--sounds like a toughy to me

So can porn have a place in a relationship? I say yes as long as both partners are getting what they need from each other and neither has an objection to it. If one has any negative feelings about it they should discuss it with their partner and why they feel that way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Porn is no different than anything else.

I truthfully believe more harm is done by making it taboo in a relationship .

Intimate relationships can be so difficult to begin with, making average porn viewing a sin is just asking for Ill will resentment and unnecessary stress over what is often nothing more than misplaced insecurities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I guess it all comes down to secrecy and lying about it.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> making average porn viewing



Can I get a definition for this please? What is considered average?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

square1 said:


> Can I get a definition for this please? What is considered average?


Sure, any porn viewing that doesn't go beyond a simple stimulus into obsession.

While the op goes a little too far by stating "all" men do it she isn't far from the mark.

Most men do view it and it would be difficult to argue that most men have a problem with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

"Porn-not the end of the world."

You're right, its not the end of the world for some men to not care that much about it. 

Thankfully I'm one one of those. I have had my share in my life time, and IMO it got to the point to where you seen one you seen them all. I find them to be boring and would prefer to look at my wife, a real human being any day.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I guess it all comes down to secrecy and lying about it.


Thank you everyone for your responses. I agree with above, I feel a lot of women are honest upfront and tell their husband they do not accept porn. The men then feel they have to lie about viewing it to save their marriage.

No, I do not believe a man when he says he has not watched porn. The key word being has, as I do agree that not all men are habitual porn watchers.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> The porn lie.
> 
> All men do it or are lying.
> 
> ...



Okay, so because a wife says "I love Brad Pitt, I watch all his movies, and if he wanted me I would sleep with him" that makes her lame and not faithful? We are visually attracted to other people, but in reality they are a fantasy and not something that would ever be considered in reality. The problem comes when you are not having enough sex in your relationship and he turns to porn use all the time instead of having intimacy he is denied with you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Entrenched opinionating meets a new restatement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

square1 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have been with my H for 12 years and i knew he viewed porn sometimes and i had no problem with it as long as he didnt lie to me about it. We even watched it together a few times. Then within the last year porn replaced the intimacy and sex in our relationship. We didn't kiss, no touching, barely any sex and it wasn't like I wasnt trying either cause i wanted some ****. But he was viewing porn so much and masturbating all the time he didn't have any sex drive when it came to fulfilling my needs and wants. If it were up to me we would be banging each other like once a day.
> 
> ...


So awful, anyway to "catch" him in the act and take advantage by making it more about you and him? or is it just to far gone? I am surprised after your example that you agree with me or all people. Porn is like anything else, it needs to be done in moderation or it can become an addiction. 

Unless a person was an alcoholic or it interfered with our daily lives I would not demand that they stop drinking. So it surprises me so many wives demand they not watch porn without really knowing what it is about, and trying to see it from their husbands points of view.

Therealbrighteyes, you proved my point about porn and how wives may not know what they are objecting to. The porn industry is not just full of code heads and fake boobs.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I see a lot of women get bashed because they do not like porn. I think thats wrong because that is their right. Just as it is a mans right to watch it if he wants. 

To bad so many people are not upfront with their spouses from the beginning, before they marry. A woman needs to tell the person she is dating, "I'm not into porn, I don't like it, if you do, lets go our separate ways now." Same for a man. "I like to watch porn from time to time, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you but you may see it like that. So if you have an issue with me watching porn sometimes, tell me now so we can go our separate ways."

And yes, there are people who are upfront, and a woman will tell the man shes seeing she doesn't like it, and he will will lie and say he doesn't either, then start watching it during the marriage. Then the marriage should come to an end based on the lie. 

Bottom line, to many people are probably with the wrong person either based on a lie or based on the fact someone doesn't like something.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Hehehe... to think of the stuff my wife and I have tried from watching porn together....:rofl:

I enjoy porn from time to time. Best of all with my wife! :smthumbup:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I find it remarkable those that bash a woman for not approving of it. I have my reasons and I have stated them often here before.

To the OP, you mention that if a woman doesn't like porn despite her voicing her dislike of it, the man's only option is to lie and hide it, to keep the marriage intact. No. He could be honest and up front in the beginning, thus allowing the woman to decide if she wants to be with someone whose values goes against hers. Would it be okay for me to lie about say smoking pot to my husband when the reality is that I am smoking behind his back....to keep the marriage intact? Ridiculous.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

callalily said:


> i see a lot of women get bashed because they do not like porn. I think thats wrong because that is their right. Just as it is a mans right to watch it if he wants.
> 
> To bad so many people are not upfront with their spouses from the beginning, before they marry. A woman needs to tell the person she is dating, "i'm not into porn, i don't like it, if you do, lets go our separate ways now." same for a man. "i like to watch porn from time to time, it has nothing to do with how i feel about you but you may see it like that. So if you have an issue with me watching porn sometimes, tell me now so we can go our separate ways."
> 
> ...


exactly.


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## HazelEyedGirl (Nov 4, 2011)

I think I am borderline bisexual. Many times, not all, I will be the one watching female on female porn and get sooo horny, I end up practically raping my hubby. No complaints from him, of course! LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

A singularly focused perspective from Athol Kays blog..



> After several months or a few years of his wife denying sex, the husband ends up seeking some kind of sexual solace in using porn to masturbate to. Typically he carefully hides this activity from his wife, because he knows the reaction it will get.
> 
> Sure enough though, eventually he slips up and she discovers the porn. Whereupon she reacts just the way he knew she would - with a huge explosion of rage. Porn, it will be explained to him, is demeaning to women, disgusting, immoral, wrong, disappointing, revolting and hurtful. It's also very likely to be explained to him that his use of porn has now put the relationship back several steps, just as she was starting to feel like she could open up to him, but of course now she can't, and it's all his fault.
> 
> ...


Continued at the link posted above


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

misticli said:


> Okay, so because a wife says "I love Brad Pitt, I watch all his movies, and if he wanted me I would sleep with him" that makes her lame and not faithful? We are visually attracted to other people, but in reality they are a fantasy and not something that would ever be considered in reality. The problem comes when you are not having enough sex in your relationship and he turns to porn use all the time instead of having intimacy he is denied with you.


Last time I checked, Brad Pitt doesn't go around naked in his movies banging chicks while delivering a pizza. :rofl:

He's good looking but I wouldn't sleep with him. People can say someone is good looking...but to watch crotches up close? Why?


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

hurtnohio said:


> I'm reminded of an old Native American story. A grandfather is explaining to his grandson that we all have a good side and an evil side. He explained that we have two wolves that live in our hearts. The grandson asked which one would win. The wise old Indian chief said, "The one that wins is the one you feed."
> 
> Men have enough of a struggle keeping their thoughts focused on their wives as it is. We can't help it. We're visually aroused creatures. Why feed that wolf with porn?


While I don't agree with those against the OP, nor your overall premise.....I LOVE this quote. It gives me something to ponder. My wife, for most of our marriage, would "allow" us to have sex maybe 6-7 times....A YEAR!! (we didn't even have sex on our two week honeymoon.) Her "window of opportunity" is so small (and got even smaller once we had kids. I loved her deeply. And..to be honest, if it wasn't for porn, would never have gotten this far. I don't like outlandish stuff...and just as happy looking at movie starlets parading on the red carpet. It is simply stimulous for me....nothing more. And frankly...most of the time, my fantasy drifted over to my wife anyway. I never really considered it porn; although, don't get me wrong...I looked at the naked stuff too.....so I remembered what everything looked like. 

I've been conflicted with this over the years. On the one hand, I do feel guilty for turning to this. If my wife were to EVER have committed to 2-3 times a week (and not always on a planned occasion......"honey....8:00...let's go"), I'm sure I would have stopped.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

misticli said:


> I feel a lot of women are honest upfront and tell their husband they do not accept porn. The men then feel they have to lie about viewing it to save their marriage.


No, people do not feel they have to lie about it based on the fact their spouse doesn't like it. My guess is, they choose to lie based on the fact they know they probably shouldn't be doing it anyway. 

Same with cheaters. Wife tells husband I hope you never cheat on me, I love you. Husband then lies, why? Not because of what his wife said or how she feels, the lie is based on he shouldn't be doing it anyway.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> A singularly focused perspective from Athol Kays blog..
> 
> 
> 
> Continued at the link posted above


Look, if I am denying sex and not holding up my end of the bargain, then that's one thing. My issue with this though is the general mantra of a man saying "I need porn for variety". How many times have you seen that here and the wife's self esteem is torn apart because of it?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Look, if I am denying sex and not holding up my end of the bargain, then that's one thing. My issue with this though is the general mantra of a man saying "I need porn for variety". How many times have you seen that here and the wife's self esteem is torn apart because of it?


And how many times have you seen me defend the wife's point of view when that has been posted?

Everytime Brighteyes.

My point is that porn isn`t ultimately the problem in 90% of the cases where porn is said to be the problem.

Nothing is black and white.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> And how many times have you seen me defend the wife's point of view when that has been posted?
> 
> Everytime Brighteyes.
> 
> ...


I never said you didn't defend the wife's point of view. I read your posts, I know you better than that. 
How many times though have you heard OTHERS say "well what do you look like" and essentially putting the blame on her? It is basically she has to accept it no matter what. I don't think anybody should accept something that goes against their beliefs or hurts them. 
Heck, look at Ironwood's posts. He writes that porn is a right or a "need" for all men and us women who don't feel that way are somehow less than, controlling nags. 
Porn might not be the problem in 90% of the cases as you state but I think it does damage in those cases. A wife isn't having sex, turn to porn. That's one approach or you (not YOU btw) could become the man that turns her on. That's another approach. Wife having sex with you and you still need variety? Turn to porn. That's one approach or you could be thankful for the woman you already have who is having sex with you and not hurt her feelings.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I find it remarkable those that bash a woman for not approving of it. I have my reasons and I have stated them often here before.
> 
> To the OP, you mention that if a woman doesn't like porn despite her voicing her dislike of it, the man's only option is to lie and hide it, to keep the marriage intact. No. He could be honest and up front in the beginning, thus allowing the woman to decide if she wants to be with someone whose values goes against hers. Would it be okay for me to lie about say smoking pot to my husband when the reality is that I am smoking behind his back....to keep the marriage intact? Ridiculous.


This is my exact quote
"I feel a lot of women are honest upfront and tell their husband they do not accept porn. The men then feel they have to lie about viewing it to save their marriage."

I said that is what men feel they need to do, I never said it was right for the man to lie. In our society a lot of times it has been accepted to lie to women about this because it is known that a lot of women are not open to considering porn. It does not make it right.

To many women just object to porn upfront without even considering it because they think it is "wrong". The men lie to save their wife's feelings, and then keep doing it thinking they are not hurting them if they do not find out. I do not say that I "hate that movie", or watching football before I have even watched them.

If women had a more open mind about porn and it was not taboo then men might not turn to porn so much instead of them. 

Love the link tacoma, very true. Porn can get men through times where the women is physically not able to be intimate with her husband, or is denying him sex. After being very ill, having a rough pregnancy etc. Instead of leaving your husband resentful and potentially open to another person.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If I had a rough pregnancy and my husband started watching porn, that would be a HUGE problem. 

lol.

I am so thankful porn is not a concern in our marriage.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

misticli said:


> If women had a more open mind about porn and it was not taboo then men might not turn to porn so much instead of them.
> 
> Love the link tacoma, very true. Porn can get men through times where the women is physically not able to be intimate with her husband, or is denying him sex. After being very ill, having a rough pregnancy etc. Instead of leaving your husband resentful and potentially open to another person.


I do have an open mind about porn, as I was in one. I saw exactly what goes on and yes, most are strung out. I think many women have an issue with porn because they DO see it as degrading, one sided, humiliating and taking advantage of those who have previous sexual abuse, physical abuse and deep issues. Men I guess can compartmentalize better on this or perhaps they lack empathy more. 

If a woman isn't having sex with you, maybe instead of turning to porn you might consider figuring out why she is so turned off. Barring medical issues, no woman just "stops" wanting sex. In fact, I have never met a single one. They don't want sex with their husbands but they sure would with their co-worker, neighbor, etc.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

misticli said:


> So awful, anyway to "catch" him in the act and take advantage by making it more about you and him? or is it just to far gone? I am surprised after your example that you agree with me or all people. Porn is like anything else, it needs to be done in moderation or it can become an addiction.


Definitely wasnt agreeing with you. My agreement was with what that_girl said and how if a man (or woman) can't go away for a weekend without having the urge to bang someone else then there are way bigger issues.
And i tried to get involved with my husband when i first discovered what was going on but he kept saying he would involve me but never did. I got a lot of different reasons from him as to why he didnt.

He hasnt watch porn since April after I told him I was tired of being his roommate and was going to move out. And you can say he is lying to me all you want but i know he hasn't and he is working very hard every day to make our relationship better and get bak the intimacy we once had.



> Unless a person was an alcoholic or it interfered with our daily lives I would not demand that they stop drinking. So it surprises me so many wives demand they not watch porn without really knowing what it is about, and trying to see it from their husbands points of view.
> 
> .


I didn't demand anything i let him make his own choice. I voiced my concerns and feelings. Only the person who is addicted to something can make the choice to stop what they are doing so they have to choose what they value more. 

I'm not saying every man that views porn becomes addicted to it. My H wasnt dependant on it for many years but something changed that and he turned to porn for everything he was feeling, sad, bored, stress from work whatever he felt negative about he used porn to make himself feel better. This is when my view on porn changed.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think one of the things that gets me is when a poster comes here and says:

"My husband is watching porn and I don't like it, but our sex life is ok and we are still having sex on a regular basis."

Then someone will reply by saying:

"If your husband is still having sex with you, then don't worry about the porn." Or, "You should not be complaining about your husband watching porn if he is still having sex with you."

Its the replies that get me. Even if the poster is still having sex, it doesn't mean they are not bothered by the porn. So if a person says they are bothered by it or doesn't like it, its not really productive to tell the person who has a issue with it, to sit back and hush up because you are still getting sex. 

I'm sure it makes the person who has the issue with porn makes them feel worse, its like people are dissing the way the OP feels on the matter.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I equate porn to cheating. Nothing will change that. No amount of examples and things that I should think about or accept will change how I feel.

That being said, if my spouse is cheating on me, should I be ok with it just so long as he's still having sex with me? No.

I don't allow porn in my life. It was always something I would talk about on a first date. No joke. I didn't have to do it with my husband, he told me that he doesn't care for it...hoping I don't either. Match made in Heaven, I guess.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> That being said, if my spouse is cheating on me, should I be ok with it just so long as he's still having sex with me? No.



Exactly. Thats also kind of like saying, "My spouse is a bad alcoholic, but at least he isn't beating me, so its ok for him to keep drinking. Bottom line, its still damaging to the marriage.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I equate porn to cheating. Nothing will change that. No amount of examples and things that I should think about or accept will change how I feel.
> 
> That being said, if my spouse is cheating on me, should I be ok with it just so long as he's still having sex with me? No.


I feel this way now after going through this whole ordeal with my H. 
How I think and feel about it is just that and no ones examples or justifications is going to change that view.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I think one of the things that gets me is when a poster comes here and says:
> 
> "My husband is watching porn and I don't like it, but our sex life is ok and we are still having sex on a regular basis."
> 
> ...


You are incredibly astute and I always like your comments. Some responders take it a step further and berate the woman as controlling, shrewish and naturally question her looks. I often wonder if a man came here and said "my wife watches porn and lusts after the hung guys in the films" would the responses be take a pill, deal with it and she's still screwing you, right?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, I'm usually the one here who will say that within a marriage, spouses should be turning only toward each other for their sexual satisfaction. It is something that you have to work at, for sure.

And if you don't turn toward each other because of a broken relationship dynamic, then you know you need to work on repairing that dynamic first. But introducing other 'things' into your marriage, whether it's porn, masturbation, facebook, whatever, to 'tide you over' because your spouse 'isn't doing what you want them to', is just a cop-out to me and doesn't really show commitment to work on repairing your relationship dynamic.

Porn has a huge potential for really sucking in an individual and making them somewhat unresponsive to the concerns and needs of their spouse. As a woman, I find men who indulge, and especially those who over-indulge, in it to be unattractive in my eyes - it speaks of selfishness, self-indulgence, lack of self-discipline, lack of character. To me, it says 'weakness', not 'strength'. That's just the way I feel.

My H and I don't have porn in our relationship by mutual choice, and our relationship is very invigorating to say the least, to not have to contend with that particular monkey on our backs. We have been able to come up with more than enough invigorating things on our own, and there's something very special about being able to do that together without any undue outside influences.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You are incredibly astute and I always like your comments. Some responders take it a step further and berate the woman as controlling, shrewish and naturally question her looks. I often wonder if a man came here and said "my wife watches porn and lusts after the hung guys in the films" would the responses be take a pill, deal with it and she's still screwing you, right?


Thank you, back at ya! 

I was on another forum a few years back where this was a hot topic as usual.  And, there was actually a poster who posted, her husband was a porn addict/sexual addiction. He had been diagnosed with it by a specialist. There were still at least one or two posters who had replied with, "All men look at it, get over it."  

They totally didn't get her post at all. The advice was, "All men look so get over it." I see that here sometimes on this forum as well. I don't know if sometimes people are just not reading the posts all the way through or if they just don't care.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> "All men look so get over it." I see that here sometimes on this forum as well. I don't know if sometimes people are just not reading the posts all the way through or if they just don't care.


It's easier to brand the woman as controlling and shrewish than to read the post and respond with more helpful advice. I've been called that here as well because I dislike porn. Few bothered to read why I dislike it and I just get labeled. Oddly enough, the same people who labeled me are the ones whose wives don't want sex with them. Ever wonder if they approach their marriages with the same lack of insight?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO, I think sometimes, people who give the advice of "Let your husband watch porn at least you are having sex. Or "All men watch it so let him do it", the reason for that advice may be due to the fact its just easier to let someone do whatever than to actually work on the marriage. It would be my guess that very well may be the way it is in the repliers life as well, therefore perhaps that is why they respond that way.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If it wasn't for porn I would be divorced. There are some women who want it both ways. No porn watching, but don't have the sexual desire to be intimate with their husbands.

Porn is a source of media. It does not have a soul. People need to stop blaming media for peoples actions. Accountability.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sinnister said:


> If it wasn't for porn I would be divorced. There are some women who want it both ways. No porn watching, but don't have the sexual desire to be intimate with their husbands.
> 
> Porn is a source of media. It does not have a soul. People need to stop blaming media for peoples actions. Accountability.




As long as your wife knows you use porn as an outlet, I don't see how that is a problem.

I truly believe it's the secrets and lying around porn that cause most of the issues.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

sinnister said:


> If it wasn't for porn I would be divorced. There are some women who want it both ways. No porn watching, but don't have the sexual desire to be intimate with their husbands.
> 
> Porn is a source of media. It does not have a soul. People need to stop blaming media for peoples actions. Accountability.


I don't blame the media. Its on the people who choose to do that because they feel they have no other choice. 

I doubt porn saved your marriage. Maybe your wife saved it by either accepting it or just no longer caring? 

Also there are some men who want it both ways too. They see it as they get to watch all the porn they want and have sex with their wife, regardless of how their wives might really feel.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I do have an open mind about porn, as I was in one. I saw exactly what goes on and yes, most are strung out. I think many women have an issue with porn because they DO see it as degrading, one sided, humiliating and taking advantage of those who have previous sexual abuse, physical abuse and deep issues. Men I guess can compartmentalize better on this or perhaps they lack empathy more.
> 
> If a woman isn't having sex with you, maybe instead of turning to porn you might consider figuring out why she is so turned off. Barring medical issues, no woman just "stops" wanting sex. In fact, I have never met a single one. They don't want sex with their husbands but they sure would with their co-worker, neighbor, etc.


I respect that you where in one and had a bad experience clearly and I will not be changing your mind. The women have a choice in porn the same as men, there are also testing and regulations involved with professional porn.

BTW, I am coming from this perspective as a women, I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have sex usually 4 times or more a week. If I go away for a week to spend time with family and he cannot come I would not expect him to sit at home and not masturbate. I do not look at him viewing porn and masturbating when I am not there in a negative manner. 

That's a good questions actually for the women, do you look at your husband masturbating without porn as bad as well? are you okay with him masturbating and possibly thinking of a threesome while doing it as cheating on you?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

misticli said:


> I respect that you where in one and had a bad experience clearly and I will not be changing your mind. The women have a choice in porn the same as men, there are also testing and regulations involved with professional porn.
> 
> BTW, I am coming from this perspective as a women, I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have sex usually 4 times or more a week. If I go away for a week to spend time with family and he cannot come I would not expect him to sit at home and not masturbate. I do not look at him viewing porn and masturbating when I am not there in a negative manner.
> 
> That's a good questions actually for the women, do you look at your husband masturbating without porn as bad as well? are you okay with him masturbating and possibly thinking of a threesome while doing it as cheating on you?


I have no issue with masturbation at all. I do it, he does it, it's normal. 
I certainly wouldn't be cool with him thinking of having sex with someone else while we are having sex. If he wants that, leave me and I will find someone who actually wants just me.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

misticli said:


> That's a good questions actually for the women, do you look at your husband masturbating without porn as bad as well? are you okay with him masturbating and possibly thinking of a threesome while doing it as cheating on you?


I only find masturbating to be a problem when its done more than we get physical with eachother. I am a very willing partner so for my H to be masturbating 28x more a week than we were having sex was a huge deal to me. 

As for what he is thinking about while he is doing it he can think about what he wants I can not control that at all nor do I plan on trying. As long as he doesnt turn those thoughts into actions.

I know that if he ever did think about another woman during sex with me and he told me yeah I would probably flip out. He is having sex with me not them so to be thinking of them during an intimate moment like that would crush me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

IF a wife isn't having sex with her husband, then I'd say she doesn't get to make the call about how he gets off. Either she figures it out, or THEY work it together, or she leaves him alone to do what he wants. 

SOMETIMES the spouse who isn't having sex also isn't interested in working on having more sex. Male or female... which leaves the other feeling rejected/abandoned. 

Porn is fantasy... so is erotic literature... so is masturbating to thoughts of celebrities.... Fantasizing is a good thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel so prudish. When I masturbate, I am thinking of my husband  lol.


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## loomj (Nov 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> His friends tease him because once they went to a strip club (before he met me) and he spent the whole time in the arcade.


Sorry but this has really made me crack up. The strip club actually had an arcade??!! I've been to quite a few strip clubs, some are great and some are awful but I've never seen one so bad that they had to put in an arcade to entertain the men. That is really hilarious.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I feel so prudish. When I masturbate, I am thinking of my husband  lol.


Ha i don't even masturbate unless I'm with my husband and he does some of the touching.

I don't know why but me touching myself alone without his involvement does nothing for me. My husband thinks it weird but is also turned on by it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> I see a lot of women get bashed because they do not like porn. I think thats wrong because that is their right. Just as it is a mans right to watch it if he wants.
> 
> To bad so many people are not upfront with their spouses from the beginning, before they marry. A woman needs to tell the person she is dating, "I'm not into porn, I don't like it, if you do, lets go our separate ways now." Same for a man. "I like to watch porn from time to time, it has nothing to do with how I feel about you but you may see it like that. So if you have an issue with me watching porn sometimes, tell me now so we can go our separate ways."
> 
> ...


I was up front with my h about how i felt about porn... Did that stop him hell no... He knew how i felt about it from the beggining, so its not like he had no idea. he told me he didn't "need" it.. He is a big fat liar.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> *IF a wife isn't having sex with her husband, then I'd say she doesn't get to make the call about how he gets off. Either she figures it out, or THEY work it together, or she leaves him alone to do what he wants.
> 
> SOMETIMES the spouse who isn't having sex also isn't interested in working on having more sex. Male or female... which leaves the other feeling rejected/abandoned. *
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

square1 said:


> Ha i don't even masturbate unless I'm with my husband and he does some of the touching.
> 
> I don't know why but me touching myself alone without his involvement does nothing for me. My husband thinks it weird but is also turned on by it.


Sometimes I just have to. lol. We sext daily so sometiems I just can't wait until he gets home at 8pm


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

loomj said:


> Sorry but this has really made me crack up. The strip club actually had an arcade??!! I've been to quite a few strip clubs, some are great and some are awful but I've never seen one so bad that they had to put in an arcade to entertain the men. That is really hilarious.


I guess so  His friends will never let him live it down. Knowing them, it was a real classy place /sarcasm.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
I do agree (bolded).. However what if the wife wants sex all the time and her husband choose porn over having sex with his wife. Maybe I'm missing something.*

Btdt ladybird..... For me, it WAS a huge, never-ending rejection that ended in a pretty simple divorce (no big heartbreak after 23 years of rejections!). Yes, he has issues if the spouse wants sex and he is ignoring those wants.... I don't get it either, but I understand where you are coming from!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Meh. My husband only watches porn with me. That only happens about 3-4 times a year.

I view some and it doesn't threaten our relationship. Then again, I never choose porn over my husband.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

loomj said:


> Sorry but this has really made me crack up. The strip club actually had an arcade??!! I've been to quite a few strip clubs, some are great and some are awful but I've never seen one so bad that they had to put in an arcade to entertain the men. That is really hilarious.


You have obviously never been to the 12 o' clock show on a monday afternoon.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Meg said:


> Same here. :thumbup:
> 
> It's probably naive to think he doesn't look at it when I'm not around. But, as much sex as he gets from ME, I'm not too worried about him ever getting "hooked" on it.


Why would it make you naive to assume that?

:scratchhead:

If you and he decide it isn't for you, then it isn't going to be looked at. I don't know...however, I guess if you two use it together, then he would be ok using it apart.

I don't think I'm naive for thinking he doesn't look at it when I'm not around. lol. I trust that he isn't into it, like he said.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

As a woman, I don't see anything wrong with viewing porn, in normal cases. 

The question of "what is it being used for" comes to my mind, though.

It's a given that it is used for masturbating purposes. Both men and women. 

If your spouse is masturbating to satisfy unfulfilled sexual desires, the question should be why those needs are not being met by the spouse. 

You should take it personally. As in find out WHY.

But I also think there is a healthy aspect to some masturbation.
It's normal. 

The problem is what your spouse considers normal. Some partners still self-satisfy themselves, and it's healthy and necessary. Nothing wrong with that. 

If it is replacing your sex life, then look further.


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

Long post.....

I am new, just registered and here is what i think about porn. If it doesn't interfere or affect your relationship then it's fine but when it does affect the relationship then i think there would be a problem.

Ok, so here is my own situation. I am a stay at home mom. I used to love to watch porn myself and never really cared that the husband watch it once in awhile. But it all changed a little over a year ago. I noticed he was watching porn more and masturbating to them. I started to feel not so comfortable with it and when he actually rejected me a few times because he already (secretly) did his thing while i was in the shower then ofcorse lying, saying he was tired. I started to get hurt.

I noticed that he prefers porn with big boobs (ofcorse he says all porn has big boobs) i got somewhat depressed as i recently lost weight and my once D cups shrunk to Bs. He further made me feel disgust with my own body by commenting about how they shrunk. This and knowing he prefer big boob porn really hurt.

Anyway he talked, or more like argued about this more then once. What love i once felt for him has turned to hatred and disgust. I am here, offering myself to him, willing to satisfy him any possible way he needs, i lost all the weight i gained from my pregnancies and even religiously did kegels to tighten myself (after 3 natural births) just for him and yet he still have to download mass amounts of porn and masturbate. I am at my wits end.

It's not like we do not have sex. His excuse is that on the weekdays he is tired and he feels that it is quicker to get himself off. We only schedule sex for the weekends. He ofcorse tells me that all men watch porn. That doctors say that men should get off at least 4 times a week to stay healthy. He just choose to get off on porn because it's the quicker way.

Everytime we argue, it's something different. First he told me that he needs to masturbate because we don't have sex enough and he doesn't feel satisfied. Then it's he can't possibly perform every night and that he needs space. But seriously it all comes down to he have no self control on watching porn.

It has came to the point where his porn habits has severely affected our relationship. Ofcourse he says it's all my own problem and i can't see past the personal needs of a man. My libido is gone as i no longer feel anything for him. I have contemplated divorce more then once but we have 3 small kids.

I am still young. I've always enjoyed and love sex. I am open to anything and willing to try everything once. Yet i feel stuck in a suck ass affection-less relationship with a man who cannot put my feelings above his porn.

I am tired, depressed and utterly miserable. 

This is what porn has done to me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

aznmommy,
I'm sorry to hear this is affecting you.
Only thing I can really say about this is ...

To some men (not sure if this applies to yours), masturbating is quicky sex. Some men view sex with their wives as bonding, emotional experience. And maybe he only needs to "bond" with you once a week. The rest of the time, it's just business, and he cannot equate YOU with business. You are a deeper thing, and he doesn't need or want deep feelings all the time. 

Or, the flip side is that you are emotionally detached and he doesn't want to have emotion-less sex. If things are not right between you... and he knows you are not happy, he won't come near you. He'd rather masturbate than have emotion less sex. Men can internalize resentments just as much as women. It can't be all about "do me because I have needs". It has be a consenual act of love.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

deejov said:


> You are a deeper thing, and he doesn't need or want deep feelings all the time.
> 
> Or, the flip side is that you are emotionally detached and he doesn't want to have emotion-less sex. .



Thats probably WHY she is detached. 

She clearly stated he watches loads of porn and downloads it all the time. 

I totally get masturbation from time to time for a "quicky" but he seems emotionally detached as well right often, so therefore thats probably why she is.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

trey69 said:


> "Porn-not the end of the world."
> 
> You're right, its not the end of the world for some men to not care that much about it.
> 
> Thankfully I'm one one of those. I have had my share in my life time, and IMO it got to the point to where you seen one you seen them all. I find them to be boring and would prefer to look at my wife, a real human being any day.


I have to agree with Trey. Been there done that. There is nothing that I have not seen and it got to the point when it just bored me. I believe for some it is harmless and for others it can be quite damaging. It appears from the comments here that that is the case.

Long ago my wife caught me and although a bit caught off guard handled it like an adult likely should. She did not want me to watch any longer and when I thought about what I was getting out of it (nothing) I moved on.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

aznmommy,

I think you are detached and emotionless due to his behavior, and rightfully so. Surely he must know this. Then again probably not, no matter how much you try to tell him he is probably so clouded by all the porn he can't see straight. Its funny how some say he doesn't want sex with an emotionless person, well gee he is probably why that is.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not ALL men watch/view porn. My husband does not, it's not his style. If he did and I was uncomfortable with it, out of respect he would stop. I'd do the same if the tables were turned. Neither of us watch porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aznmommy3 (Nov 8, 2011)

I agree that i feel detached.

It wasn't always like this. All this started a little over a year ago. At that time i was more depressed about it as he never shows me affection or touches me unless it's time for sex. I tried communicating and telling him that without affection, i start to feel detached to him. That my feeling towards him gets weak. But all i get it that when he's not feeling it he won't give it. He refuse to give me a simple hug or kiss a day because he doesn't feel it. Yet when it comes to sex, it doesn't matter if i feel it or not, i am expected to give it.

Now i want you all to know that i have always been a very sexual person. When i was with my ex, i actually watched more porn then him and i do enjoy masturbating. I am always open to new things to spice up the bedroom. Sex with my husband has always been very routine. It usually starts with me giving him a BJ then we have sex and then he turns around and falls asleep. We do not cuddle. Most of the time i don't get foreplay. Unless he thinks that me giving him a BJ is my foreplay. I am always open to him and rarely rejects him, even when i am not in the mood. If i'm on my period then i get him off with a BJ.

He refuse to communicate and ignores all the pain i have inside my heart. Then recently i get some BS about how he no longer feels my affection towards him. By this time, i already closed off my heart and feelings towards him. The depressed feeling i once had was because i still loved him and i am pained about where this relationship is heading. Now after a year of him not wanting or caring to communicate, i lost what love i had for him.

This porn and masturbating situation also started over a year ago. I used to happily look forward to sex and i pleasure him anyway he wants. I enjoyed it. Then he decided he wanted to try this male toy he saw. I thought it's ok, because i also have toys and he should also have some fun. But it got out of hand when i noticed that he started to struggle when he had sex with me. Everytime i give him a BJ he tasted of plastic (meaning he only just recently used it again) I had 3 kids naturally and so i know i am a bit loose. Which is why I started doing kegels. I know i cannot compare to a tight toy that was made purely for getting a man off.

It really started to go downhill when he rejected me for sex a few time. Telling me he is tired and can't do it. This coming from a man who always told me to wake him up for sex and that he's always ready to go even if he's half sleeping. He always told me to go to him when i'm in the mood. But then when i started getting rejected i stopped as it hurt very much knowing what the reason is. And i just don't know if he will reject me again.

We had many discussions. We tried planning a schedule but he cannot seem to stick to even that. One was that i will allow him to have his 'private personal' time on the weekdays and that i only ask that i get him on the weekends. That's 5 days for his porn and masturbating. Then i started catching him masturbating the on Sat or Sunday mornings when i am still in bed. This even after we had sex the night before. I caught him red handed a month a go. Now i have the imagine of big boobs on his computer and his **** in his hand embedded in my head. We argued and he said that he feels our sex is unsatisfying. And that he wanted us to have more sex. Please know that it's hard for me to get into the mood with him constantly watching porn and masturbating behind my back. But he agreed to some self control on the matter and i finally thought maybe i will get my libido back and i started enjoying sex again. I told him i am here for him anytime and anyway he wants me. Then a few days ago, it went back to his porn and masturbating. Now his needs and wants changed again. He says it's tiring to have too much sex, that it's boring. This coming from someone who complained about lack of sex a month ago. He says we wants his space and that he will only agree to having us time on the weekends and he wants his private time on the weekdays.

I feel like a puppet getting jerked around. I cannot keep up with his wants and needs anymore. He's a man who tells me that he loves me and that he would die for me, die for this family. Yet he cannot find any self control when it comes to porn.

You have to understand the hurt i feel. Him putting his need for his porn above my feeling and our relationship. If i was a prude who does not enjoy sex or want to be touched then fine. But here i am offering him anything he wants. Asking him if there is anything he'd like to try and what his fantasies are and i'm getting rejected. Really, this should have been the other way around. Because i actually have alot of kinky desires and fantasies i'd love to try but he is happy with just the boring routine sex we always have. Which i am fine with also.

I no longer respect him as a man. I feel i tried my best. I am tired of trying when he cannot even respect my feelings and have absolutely no self control. It always just goes back to the porn.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

aznmommy3 said:


> I agree that i feel detached.
> 
> It wasn't always like this. All this started a little over a year ago. At that time i was more depressed about it as he never shows me affection or touches me unless it's time for sex. I tried communicating and telling him that without affection, i start to feel detached to him. That my feeling towards him gets weak. But all i get it that when he's not feeling it he won't give it. He refuse to give me a simple hug or kiss a day because he doesn't feel it. Yet when it comes to sex, it doesn't matter if i feel it or not, i am expected to give it.
> 
> ...


Are we married to the same man?


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

aznmommy3 said:


> I agree that i feel detached.
> 
> It wasn't always like this. All this started a little over a year ago. At that time i was more depressed about it as he never shows me affection or touches me unless it's time for sex. I tried communicating and telling him that without affection, i start to feel detached to him. That my feeling towards him gets weak. But all i get it that when he's not feeling it he won't give it. He refuse to give me a simple hug or kiss a day because he doesn't feel it. Yet when it comes to sex, it doesn't matter if i feel it or not, i am expected to give it.
> 
> ...


So sorry for you, this is porn taken to far. It sounds almost like he is doing it multiple times a day and is addicted to it. The only way a person will work on an addiction is if they admit they have one. 

Sometimes when we get into a pattern we need a shock to get out of it. In extreme cases like this I am sorry to say that is usually your spouse advising you they are going to leave you if this remains a marriage without intimacy.

I would strongly suggest posting what you have written here in your own post so that other people will be more likely to notice it and offer their advice.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Saying a straight guy doesn't watch porn is like saying your husband doesn't masturbate. He does both is bet on it good sex life or not!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Saying a straight guy doesn't watch porn is like saying your husband doesn't masturbate. He does both is bet on it good sex life or not!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that's just a sweeping generalization.

Even researchers have found that not everyone (yes, that includes some men) masturbates, so it's likely fair to say that not every guy watches porn either. 

The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Saying a straight guy doesn't watch porn is like saying your husband doesn't masturbate. He does both is bet on it good sex life or not!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you don't know my husband.

He doesn't do either... I thought it was weird at first too, but yea...whatever. He just comes to me when he's feelin' it.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Hmmmmm....does the acceptence of porn in a marriage=high divorce rate?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I think that's just a sweeping generalization.
> 
> Even researchers have found that not everyone (yes, that includes some men) masturbates, so it's likely fair to say that not every guy watches porn either.
> 
> The Kinsey Institute - Sexuality Information Links - FAQ [Related Resources]


the precent of people who don't masterbate is very small.thats what reasearch shows.

the kinsey report has a ton of flaws and is way out dated


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband hasn't looked at it for over 2 months. I have a keylogger on his computer... Someday i will take it off.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

annagarret said:


> Hmmmmm....does the acceptence of porn in a marriage=high divorce rate?


It very well could.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

My husband started viewing porn daily and then took the next step and went for a happy ending massage.

I did not know about all of this going on for the past year, but found his email making an appointment for the massage. Well, the **** hit the fan I'll tell you.

He says he hasn't viewed porn since this all happened (March), since the whole thing has caused so much shame and guilt for him. 

Just stating the porn can often lead to more of a problem if in the hands of the wrong person.

I'm sure that if he wasn't caught, he would have continued into darker areas eventually. He agrees with this.

(By the way, I never refused sex), but he was replacing me with the porn stars.

We've been to counselling which helped him feel better about himself, but it really hasn't helped me. I am always thinking about it and wonder if we can continue to be together because of the resentment I feel.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, there is a real danger to porn in some instances.

Been married for 3 decades. No problems before this year, that I know of.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

confused55 said:


> My husband started viewing porn daily and then took the next step and went for a happy ending massage.
> 
> I did not know about all of this going on for the past year, but found his email making an appointment for the massage. Well, the **** hit the fan I'll tell you.
> 
> ...


I agree that it can lead to other things.. My husband hasn't done anything other then looking at porn to my knowledge anyway.

I have never refused my husband sex either, if i did i would totally get it. 

I am happy you caught your husband before anything else happened.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Porn IS the end of things when it warps a man and he abandons his wife sexually.
So OP......it IS the end.

By the way. It takes a wife a very long time to catch on if ever to what the heck happened to her relationship with her man.

Sad.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Porn IS the end of things when it warps a man and he abandons his wife sexually.
> So OP......it IS the end.
> 
> By the way. It takes a wife a very long time to catch on if ever to what the heck happened to her relationship with her man.
> ...


Yes, it's a long way back, if there ever is a back. It doesn't look like it from where I stand right now.

I just have to say, "be aware if you think porn is not dangerous". You may live to regret turning a blind eye.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

chattycathy;482789[B said:


> [/B]]Porn IS the end of things when it warps a man and he abandons his wife sexually.
> So OP......it IS the end.
> 
> This is exactly what happened.
> ...


Every thing happened a little over 2 months ago.. I still don't trust him and more then likely it will take a very long time for me to trust him again. 

But things are getting better. He hasn't looked at it since that day. Our sex life has improved 110%.


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