# New here looking for a support buddy



## Stillphotenic

It’s been 90 days and I’m currently separated from my husband. Long story short I made the choice to go against my husbands wishes and separate. He warned me before I left that he doesn’t believe in separations and that’s immediate grounds for him divorcing me. Although I told him our environment is too toxic He is very emotional abusive when communicatinf about things that he is uncomfortable or doesn’t want to talk about things and we need improvement we can make it through we have to commit to counseling but he told me no. I moved out and he filed for a divorce 7 days later. Not looking for sympathy or bashing because I know my choice went against him and his limitations and caused me to lose my family. 
just looking for support in through this divorce journey. I have to support him and what he wants. I did ask for reconciliation and even asked to move back in but he said no. 
since then it’s just been a long road!!! 
I know my issues are draining but it would be ideal for me to find a support buddy and maybe we can support one another. I feel like I’m draining my support system. Idk! Please don’t attack me just really walking the road to recovery and accepting the things I cannot change.


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## Goddess7

Stillphotenic said:


> It’s been 90 days and I’m currently separated from my husband. Long story short I made the choice to go against my husbands wishes and separate. He warned me before I left that he doesn’t believe in separations and that’s immediate grounds for him divorcing me. Although I told him our environment is too toxic He is very emotional abusive when communicatinf about things that he is uncomfortable or doesn’t want to talk about things and we need improvement we can make it through we have to commit to counseling but he told me no. I moved out and he filed for a divorce 7 days later. Not looking for sympathy or bashing because I know my choice went against him and his limitations and caused me to lose my family.
> just looking for support in through this divorce journey. I have to support him and what he wants. I did ask for reconciliation and even asked to move back in but he said no.
> since then it’s just been a long road!!!
> I know my issues are draining but it would be ideal for me to find a support buddy and maybe we can support one another. I feel like I’m draining my support system. Idk! Please don’t attack me just really walking the road to recovery and accepting the things I cannot change.


I feel for you and want to let you know that you are not alone. Separating from anyone is difficult especially when there's family involved, children, etc. You followed your heart and you did what YOU thought was best for YOU and that is okay. You have to be strong enough to not let him manipulate you and make you feel like the bad one for doing what was best for you. There's a reason why you made that decision and I know it was not easy to make such decision. Communication in a relationship is key and it is essential in any kind of relationship so if he declined to receive help for the sake of your marriage then that alone should tell you that he was not as invested as you to make things work. Emotional abuse is no joke.. I been there before. It messes with your mental health which influences our behavior to ourselves and to those around us. I resonate with you when you said that you feel like you are draining your support system because I also feel the same which is why I sometimes chose to keep things to myself and cry it out. I realized that keeping things to ourselves does more harm than anything so my advice to you is to seek help from a professional and talk to God, the universe, the most high, or however you refer to it. and just know that this pain... this sorrow.. will not last forever..


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## Stillphotenic

Goddess7 said:


> I feel for you and want to let you know that you are not alone. Separating from anyone is difficult especially when there's family involved, children, etc. You followed your heart and you did what YOU thought was best for YOU and that is okay. You have to be strong enough to not let him manipulate you and make you feel like the bad one for doing what was best for you. There's a reason why you made that decision and I know it was not easy to make such decision. Communication in a relationship is key and it is essential in any kind of relationship so if he declined to receive help for the sake of your marriage then that alone should tell you that he was not as invested as you to make things work. Emotional abuse is no joke.. I been there before. It messes with your mental health which influences our behavior to ourselves and to those around us. I resonate with you when you said that you feel like you are draining your support system because I also feel the same which is why I sometimes chose to keep things to myself and cry it out. I realized that keeping things to ourselves does more harm than anything so my advice to you is to seek help from a professional and talk to God, the universe, the most high, or however you refer to it. and just know that this pain... this sorrow.. will not last forever..


Thank you !!! Yeah I see a therapist once a week! I got off all social media and I promised my self that while I go through this journey that I would not engage in any negative distractions! Meaning men or alcohol to cover up the pain and loneliness. 
we been together for 10 years and boooooooyyyyy the loneliness set in and it’s rough! I didn’t realize it was emotional abuse until I started seeing a new therapist. She showed me a communication wheel. And asked me to point out what he does! And 6 of the communication styles was considered abusive. 
with that being said I’m re learning healthy communication - I’m becoming a better me - and I cry a lot because the one who was my first love isn’t here to grow wirh me. 
I know it’s easy to tell someone to move on and stop loving - but that’s not how life works when people like us were FULLY vested! 
it hurts that after 7 days he filed and acted like he doesn’t know me. 
I keep journals - voice recordings - I go to church -do daily devotion- but this pain ……………………….. man …… the pain is detaching and unloving my first love - is a process to undo and to move on!!


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## Goddess7

Stillphotenic said:


> Thank you !!! Yeah I see a therapist once a week! I got off all social media and I promised my self that while I go through this journey that I would not engage in any negative distractions! Meaning men or alcohol to cover up the pain and loneliness.
> we been together for 10 years and boooooooyyyyy the loneliness set in and it’s rough! I didn’t realize it was emotional abuse until I started seeing a new therapist. She showed me a communication wheel. And asked me to point out what he does! And 6 of the communication styles was considered abusive.
> with that being said I’m re learning healthy communication - I’m becoming a better me - and I cry a lot because the one who was my first love isn’t here to grow wirh me.
> I know it’s easy to tell someone to move on and stop loving - but that’s not how life works when people like us were FULLY vested!
> it hurts that after 7 days he filed and acted like he doesn’t know me.
> I keep journals - voice recordings - I go to church -do daily devotion- but this pain ……………………….. man …… the pain is detaching and unloving my first love - is a process to undo and to move on!!


Wow, I HEAR you! How tough it is to try to un-love someone after loving them for so many years. Its like we have to re-program our minds and re-discover ourselves. I feel you the most when you said that he will not be there to grow WITH you because I also feel the same about my soon to be ex-husband. I am also growing and learning so much and I wish he was by my side growing and learning with me. But it is not our jobs to heal someone else. Our only job is to heal ourselves and do better in every aspect in our lives. You are right, it is so easier said then done. But know and understand that he filed for divorce after 7 days because he is hurt and bitter because you choose yourself instead of him for the first time. This is going to take some time for us to unlove them and no longer hold that pain in our hearts.


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## DudeInProgress

Sorry you’re here. You both did what you felt you needed to do, unfortunately it was not compatible. 

I’m not discounting that your husband has been emotionally abusive to you, and if he has been, you are right not to tolerate it. 
That said, I would be VERY careful about letting a new therapist convince you of emotional abuse that you never noticed before. Especially as liberally as I’ve seen the term thrown around lately by some “professionals”

Where have you been living for the last three months?

Was there infidelity involved at all?

Have you been seeing any other men during your separation? 
it doesn’t sound like it from what you wrote, but one of the main reasons separation is usually a bad idea is that very often it’s used to “try out” others. Which is also why spouses are often advised not to allow it.


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## Stillphotenic

Goddess7 said:


> Wow, I HEAR you! How tough it is to try to un-love someone after loving them for so many years. Its like we have to re-program our minds and re-discover ourselves. I feel you the most when you said that he will not be there to grow WITH you because I also feel the same about my soon to be ex-husband. I am also growing and learning so much and I wish he was by my side growing and learning with me. But it is not our jobs to heal someone else. Our only job is to heal ourselves and do better in every aspect in our lives. You are right, it is so easier said then done. But know and understand that he filed for divorce after 7 days because he is hurt and bitter because you choose yourself instead of him for the first time. This is going to take some time for us to unlove them and no longer hold that pain in our hearts.





DudeInProgress said:


> Sorry you’re here. You both did what you felt you needed to do, unfortunately it was not compatible.
> 
> I’m not discounting that your husband has been emotionally abusive to you, and if he has been, you are right not to tolerate it.
> That said, I would be VERY careful about letting a new therapist convince you of emotional abuse that you never noticed before. Especially as liberally as I’ve seen the term thrown around lately by some “professionals”
> 
> Where have you been living for the last three months?
> 
> Was there infidelity involved at all?
> 
> Have you been seeing any other men during your separation?
> it doesn’t sound like it from what you wrote, but one of the main reasons separation is usually a bad idea is that very often it’s used to “try out” others. Which is also why spouses are often advised not to allow it.


 to answer your question 

1. No cheating has been involved 
2. The new therapist is very accurate about his emotional abuse - I’ve kept journals about my experiences - and our old therapist addressed his issues in the same way the new therapist did but the new one is calling the kettle black 
3. I have not seen any men - while separated- I got off all social media - no open doors for any man 
4. I live on my own the past 3 months.


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## DudeInProgress

Stillphotenic said:


> to answer your question
> 
> 1. No cheating has been involved
> 2. The new therapist is very accurate about his emotional abuse - I’ve kept journals about my experiences - and our old therapist addressed his issues in the same way the new therapist did but the new one is calling the kettle black
> 3. I have not seen any men - while separated- I got off all social media - no open doors for any man
> 4. I live on my own the past 3 months.


It doesn’t sound like he’s open to it or to doing the things that would be necessary, but are you still hoping that reconciliation may be possible? 
Or are you committed to the divorce at this point as your best course of action?


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## D0nnivain

Your STBX's rigidity alone sounds toxic. You can't live like that. You offered an alternative to divorce: counseling. He rejected that. 

You didn't lose your family. Your kids are still your kids & your family of origin is still yours. Yes your relationship with others will change but change can be good. 

Hang in there. Keep working with the therapist.


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## Diana7

Do you have children?


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## Stillphotenic

DudeInProgress said:


> It doesn’t sound like he’s open to it or to doing the things that would be necessary, but are you still hoping that reconciliation may be possible?
> Or are you committed to the divorce at this point as your best course of action?


He literally ghosted me : no reconciliation: I’m moving forward with the divorce: he filed.


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## Stillphotenic

Diana7 said:


> Do you have children?


Yes


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## Stillphotenic

D0nnivain said:


> Your STBX's rigidity alone sounds toxic. You can't live like that. You offered an alternative to divorce: counseling. He rejected that.
> 
> You didn't lose your family. Your kids are still your kids & your family of origin is still yours. Yes your relationship with others will change but change can be good.
> 
> Hang in there. Keep working with the therapist.


You are right! Thank you so much!


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## Diana7

Stillphotenic said:


> Yes


Where are they living?


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## Stillphotenic

Diana7 said:


> Where are they living?


50/50 custody


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## carpentermike

good for you. from what youve wrote you did the right thing. i couldnt imagine how hard it was to make those choices but you are def a strong woman for doing it. 
im married and many times have had thoughts of separating. sex is rare for us nd we never agree on anything. always on opposite sides of topics nd it gets hard keeping the love. but after hitting a bit of a relationship rock bottom we agreed to work on our issues. been 3months since then and gotta say were about 70/30 bad to good days. im trying my best to give her what she needs but i feel im trying a lot harder than her. my wife wants more emotion from me nd i want more physical from her. we go back nd forth cuz i cant be emotional without physical but she cant get physical without some emotion. 
i also started seeing a therapist thats really helping.
sorry went off about myself but your doing great keep it up. fight for what you need and itll all work out eventually.


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## Stillphotenic

carpentermike said:


> good for you. from what youve wrote you did the right thing. i couldnt imagine how hard it was to make those choices but you are def a strong woman for doing it.
> im married and many times have had thoughts of separating. sex is rare for us nd we never agree on anything. always on opposite sides of topics nd it gets hard keeping the love. but after hitting a bit of a relationship rock bottom we agreed to work on our issues. been 3months since then and gotta say were about 70/30 bad to good days. im trying my best to give her what she needs but i feel im trying a lot harder than her. my wife wants more emotion from me nd i want more physical from her. we go back nd forth cuz i cant be emotional without physical but she cant get physical without some emotion.
> i also started seeing a therapist thats really helping.
> sorry went off about myself but your doing great keep it up. fight for what you need and itll all work out eventually.


I think marriages are hard in general and both people have to give and have patience - thank you for the positive feedback! 
every day I get closer and closer to where this doesn’t effect me- I’ve been reading a lot of books and praying and meditating And just genuinely let alllllllll feelings pass through me ! I really hope u and your wife make it !!!


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