# Just gonna say it: I don't like sex



## HelenaIvy (Jul 10, 2021)

I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex. 

Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi. 

I tell him he has two hands and porn available- put it to use. But it's not enough for him.

I'm at my wits end. No there's nothing wrong with my hormones, I'm 5'6" 116 and I exercise. I just value sleep over sex.

To get him to see why I'd rather sleep, I try to engage him after he just worked all night as soon as he comes home and he gets grumpy and declines--I tell him this is what it's like for me. Still doesn't get it. 

Sorry just venting -- and hoping to see how others who are in my position deal with a nagging husband/spouse regarding sex. Resentment is starting to grow bigger and bigger each time he nags me.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You sound selfish. Enjoy your husband while you can. He won’t tolerate this forever, nor should he. If my husband treated me like you are treating your husband, I’d file. Sorry, there are no excuses for withholding sex from your spouse, other than medical reasons


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Do you admire your husband?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

I think you know that you are dooming your marriage. Your husband being 41 has many years of a very active libido left in him. If he's an honest fellow, it will reach a point that he will file for divorce and find a woman who would want to be with him sexually, if he's of a lesser moral fiber, don't be surprised if you soon find evidence of prostitutes or a mistress.

While I do not condone the prostitutes or mistress, one would have to admit that at least one can comprehend the reason why.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


How often do you have sex?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Staying married, or not having sex with your husband, chose one.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


I can understand that you're frustrated, but I hope that you will recognize that this is a you problem.

You've become too busy/stressed, to give your husband the attention he needs. What is stressing you out to this degree?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

It may just be a “want” for you. But for your husband it‘s an emotional need. I can’t actually speak for him, but I can tell you from point of view as a woman...sex is what helps me bond. It keeps me emotionally close to my partner. It gives me that rush of oxytocin and keeps me feeling affection for my partner. That affection is important when he leaves his underwear on the floor. I am sure (I know) that I have annoying habits that without that oxytocin rush, my partner might not be able to tolerate. 

I get that you have young children, and sex is not a priority for you right now. I think most people expect sex to not happen as frequently during this period of life. But to be dismissive of your husbands emotional need for it is pretty toxic, and will decay your marriage. It will destabilize the foundation of your family and have a direct impact on your children. 

If your husband were on here, we would be encouraging him to leave you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

My wife felt and said the same thing. She is now my ex wife.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


You may consider it a want rather than a need in a marriage, but most do not. You come off here as very selfish. Basically you don't care what your husband wants or needs, so to hell with him. Just tell him to eff off and go whack to some porn. That sounds like a loving wife, lol. Will you allow him to sleep with another woman?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


Understand that I realize you’re just telling how you feel and can’t help it, but it’s probably no fun being married to you


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So he has a hall pass to have a girlfriend?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Something makes me think the OP isn’t going to come back. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> Something makes me think the OP isn’t going to come back. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️


Maybe she has already been made an ex-wife


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


Well better prepare to be divorced. Sex is the primary way men feel intimacy and bond with their wives. Think of it like he never talked to you or you never had intimate emotional conversations, YES it's that important. He wants to have sex with you because he wants to feel close to his wife. This not unlike a wife who has been struggling or just want to connect with her husband emotionally maybe with some romance or even a long talk, and the husbands reaction is
"stop bothering me with this stupid nonsense. I have stuff I need to do, and I am tired. Women..." (meant sarcastically). Some men do that, and most end up with walk away wives. Same exact thing, it's scoffing at, instead of nurturing your partners nature. That kills love.

Your stark lack of attention and empathy for his nature makes you a bad choice for him anyway. You think of him like a tool.

You're new here but given your attitude I think it's important to note that these responses are from both men and women posters.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I don't think you don't like sex. I think you are tired. You need more sleep then you are getting. If you were more well rested, I think you would be more open to sex. To treat it like a chore is ruining your marriage. So what can you legitimately jettison off your plate to make more time for a healthy part of a happy marriage?


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

HelenaIvy said:


> with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.


I was you 10-ish years ago. Now I'm on the other side of it wishing my husband wanted to connect more with me sexually more often. I understand where you're at because I've been there, but, as others have said, it's important for your marriage to meet this need for him. I think it's helpful for you that he is helping around the house. That was at least part of my difficulty with having sex. If he can take some of that pressure off of you, then it would be fair for you to meet his needs, as well (not saying it should be a bartering system, of course, just that maybe you could see how he might feel helping you but not getting what he needs).

Personally, reading "For Her Eyes Only" helped me understand him a little bit more and how I can love him as my husband, even beyond sex. Another resource I would recommend is "His Needs, Her Needs." Maybe your "love bank" is just empty (even if you don't think it is) and there is something you need from him that would help you, even if it doesn't increase your desire to have sex, to want to meet that need for him because I presume that you love him. This second book has a questionnaire in it that you both complete. It helps you both see clearly what you need from each other and encourages you to work to enthusiastically do things for each other that will strengthen your marriage. I think that might be a great place for you to start as you may realize that the reason you're not wanting to meet this need of his is that you have some of your own unmet? I don't know - that's just a shot in the dark, but I thought it was worth mentioning as I think it was true for me when I felt this way. I know this is ironic coming from someone that is struggling with the opposite issue at the moment, but again, I've been when where you are. I hope you are able to find what it is you need so that you can love your husband the way he needs, as well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> I don't think you don't like sex. I think you are tired. You need more sleep then you are getting. If you were more well rested, I think you would be more open to sex. To treat it like a chore is ruining your marriage. So what can you legitimately jettison off your plate to make more time for a healthy part of a happy marriage?


Nope, she just doesn’t like sex. I’ve been with women that were mentally and physically exhausted and they still looked forward to going to bed—- not to sleep. Sometimes I would even be wanting to sleep, then the hands start moving....

she said it. She doesn’t care for sex. No fixing that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

HelenaIvy said:


> I tell him he has two hands and porn available- put it to use. But it's not enough for him.


If you really don't want sex and need some extra personal space and rest to unwind, the above is still neglecting your husband. You still need to care for his libido and find ways to let him know that you care about him. For example, you could schedule a boudoir photo shoot and surprise him with a book of sexy photos for him to enjoy on his own while you rest. You could spend some time and purchase him an adult novelty to explore on his own while you rest. You could spend some time finding porn that depicts sexual interactions that you might find more tolerable for him to watch and learn more about how to be a better lover to you while you rest. 

Those are all things that will show that you at least care about sending him to do things all alone as opposed to just telling him to go deal with himself and leave you alone.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Can you work less? I’d choose marriage (and sex) over money.

Have you talked to your doctor?Sleep apnea is common and my wife started have thyroid problems at forty.. God bless the doctor who checked it!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


A lot of resentment can grow between spouses when one is HD and one is LD. Just understand though that when you are calling it "nagging" he is trying to express an emotional need to bond with you and you dismissing it with phrases like telling him to get it over with is not going to result in a loving bond between you. Please consider marital counseling together or sex therapy because unless you want a roommate rather than a husband, you need to work together.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Let the poor guy go to find someone that will make him happy.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Why do you not want sex? You need to check your hormonal level and talk to a doctor. you need to understand that this is not normal. Sexuality and sexual desire is a irreplaceable part of healthy lifestyle.

No excuse for house, kids, etc. can negate natural desire to be sexual with your partner. If being tired is the only barrier for having sex (from your post I really doubt it is) you can ask your husband to help, hire a babysitter, etc.

Yo need to realize that telling your husband to "use his hands and porn" is extremely rude and disrespectful. I can't imagine a loving person can say this to her partner. If you do not admit you have serious problem you will destroy your marriage very soon.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If oxytocin/emotional bonding was a significant real thing, men would fall in love and deeply bond with every prostitute who blew them and women would bond with their rapists. There'd be none of what there mostly is in the dating world, which is women getting used for sex and discarded. It's the biggest load of hogwash.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I bet if she was presented with some new guy she would like sex again all of a sudden. It’s unfair that a partner can just turn it off over time for the person they’re with. Relationships take work and it’s never going to feel exactly like it did when you first met and had a rush of hormones. It’s important to keep connecting sexually and maintaining that bond otherwise you’re just glorified roommates and he might as well move on. I’m of the mind that everyone deserves to be desired and wanted and loved. If he’s not going to get that from you he deserves to be able to move on and find someone who will.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.
> 
> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.
> 
> ...


An easy solution is just file for Divorce and become single. You can then sleep all you want with no one bothering you for anything. No venting required either. Maybe you just want to make him as miserable as you are. 

A person of either gender who hates sex has no business being married. Just divorce him and your husband can move on with his life, find someone who wants to bond with him.

Surprised you haven't already been served by his attorney.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> to want to meet that need for him because* I presume that you love him.*


Bad presumption. With what she wrote, no love at all there. Maybe hate, at least annoyed, pissed off at him. No love there at all.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I bet there are alot of people like the OP. They however would likley not post here as it IS a forum based on sex. As many relationships that you see that have sex issues, I am sure there is a significant number of "sex haters" out there.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I bet there are alot of people like the OP. They however would likley not post here as it IS a forum based on sex. As many relationships that you see that have sex issues, I am sure there is a significant number of "sex haters" out there.


I’m sure you are correct, but I’ve never understood how anyone could not enjoy sex. Of course, I’m not including sexual assault victims or people with health issues in that statement. I am curious if this hatred of sex by the OP is something new or if she has never really enjoyed sex?? Was this a bait & switch situation?!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

karole said:


> I’m sure you are correct, but I’ve never understood how anyone could not enjoy sex. Of course, I’m not including sexual assault victims or people with health issues in that statement. I am curious if this hatred of sex by the OP is something new or if she has never really enjoyed sex?? Was this a bait & switch situation?!


Good queston. I don't understand that either as I really enjoy sex.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If oxytocin/emotional bonding was a significant real thing, men would fall in love and deeply bond with every prostitute who blew them and women would bond with their rapists. There'd be none of what there mostly is in the dating world, which is women getting used for sex and discarded. It's the biggest load of hogwash.


I’ve been used for sex and discarded.... 
it was hurtful, but I kinda enjoyed getting used.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve been used for sex and discarded....
> it was hurtful, but I kinda enjoyed getting used.


Yeah, I think we all have. Some worth it, some so not.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I bet there are alot of people like the OP. They however would likley not post here as it IS a forum based on sex. As many relationships that you see that have sex issues*, I am sure there is a significant number of "sex haters" out there.*


Simple solution. Dont have sex. But also, dont drag another human into the hell you are living. 

Maybe OP hates her husband so much she likes torturing him. Sick.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She used to like it when she was young and carefree, and it's very common for that to be the most sexually oriented time for women, even though they well may have hormonal surges in their 40s to rev them up -- but it can just make a woman restless for someone or something new, sadly. Love relationships are so doomed for failure that you have to revere those who keep it going and are happy. It takes a certain type of person.

Sex often loses its glamour for women with harried lives and someone (kids) always pulling on them. It's very common. She is literally exhausted and needs sleep. Of course, along with that is resentment she may or may not have that she's tired but he isn't when they're both responsible for the same household.....also common.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

karole said:


> I’m sure you are correct, but I’ve never understood how anyone could not enjoy sex. Of course, I’m not including sexual assault victims or people with health issues in that statement. I am curious if this hatred of sex by the OP is something new or if she has never really enjoyed sex?? Was this a bait & switch situation?!


Um, if somebody has only had lackluster sexual experiences, maybe never even had an orgasm during sex (not saying this is the case with OP, but it’s the case for many women) then they might find it sort of boring and more of a chore than anything else. Not everyone gets a lot of physical pleasure from it. Regardless of any emotional or bonding aspect, it’s not really worth the effort if you’re only having a so so experience and maybe not even getting off. A lot of physical work (if you aren’t going to do the “starfish” duty sex thing) and no big payoff for you. Sure you love your spouse, but if sex is this boring tasks that brings you no physical pleasure and your spouse expects sex regularly that’s got to get old fast.

There are MANY people, with more of them probably being women, who don’t really care for sex and can think of a number of other activities that are more fulfilling or give them more pleasure. Some people just have naturally lower sex drives as well, and not because of any sort of health or hormonal problem. On it’s own, it’s not really a problem. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with the person. It doesn’t make them abnormal. It only becomes a problem when you are in a relationship where one partner wants sex and the other partner isn’t interested. OP didn’t clarify, but I’m wondering if she did enjoy sex when she and her husband first got together. If so, she didn’t intentionally mislead him or “drag him down with her.

OP, this forum is obsessed with sex. Some posters here act as if sex is THE single greatest activity in the world. As someone who likes sex, I have to disagree. Some even keep records detailing how often they do it with their spouse, along with other details...seriously, they keep effing documentation! I don’t think there are many here who will understand where you are coming from. As a woman, I find that sexual desire is strongly tied to my emotions. If I’m stressed, anxious, tired, sad, angry, I’m just not very interested in screwing anyone. I’m just not in the mood. I’m someone who enjoys sex and I can still comprehend how you are feeling the way you currently do. I’m sorry that you have this problem in your marriage.

I would be interested to know if you are sexually attracted to your husband in general? Is he bad in bed? Do you possibly have any sort of thing like depression or anxiety that goes beyond just normal levels of anxiety that is either diagnosed or not yet diagnosed? Do you have problems in other areas of your marriage (not as a result of the sex issue but other things that may be affecting your feelings and desire for your husband)? How do you know you don’t have hormonal issues unless they’ve been checked by a doctor? Do you work long hours or a atypical schedule of some sort, or possibly have an extra strenuous job?

Also, I noted you said that you just want to do doggy so he’ll cum fast. Is there never any attention paid to you or focusing on making you feel good and cum? Does he try to spend time on you and getting you off and you just aren’t interested? If I was just a living sex doll and not getting any physical pleasure or orgasms out of sex I’d find it pretty darn uninteresting myself.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> This forum is obsessed with
> 
> 
> Um, if somebody has only had lackluster sexual experiences, maybe never even had an orgasm during sex (not saying this is the case with OP, but it’s the case for many women) then they might find it sort of boring and more of a chore than anything else. Not everyone gets a lot of physical pleasure from it. Regardless of any emotional or bonding aspect, it’s not really worth the effort if you’re only having a so so experience and maybe not even getting off. A lot of physical work (if you aren’t going to do the “starfish” duty sex thing) and no big payoff for you. Sure you love your spouse, but if sex is this boring tasks that brings you no physical pleasure and your spouse expects sex regularly that’s got to get old fast.
> ...


Again, if OP hates sex, just stop. It is simple. But you are ok treating another person like crap because you are miserable? Get a divorce dont have sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

karole said:


> I’m sure you are correct, but I’ve never understood how anyone could not enjoy sex. Of course, I’m not including sexual assault victims or people with health issues in that statement. I am curious if this hatred of sex by the OP is something new or if she has never really enjoyed sex?? Was this a bait & switch situation?!


She liked it when young and love with new and exciting. I think this is more the norm than not. I think if she met whatever actor she thinks is handsome, she'd like sex again, and I think it is normal enough. I know women who like sex like men do, no matter what, but I realize my crowd isn't really typical of the general population. 

And so many factors. No one much likes "servicing" someone over and over and over. It gets old and to be a chore. 

No one likes having sex with a partner they feel doesn't respect them by doing their part, a very common scenario with married couples. No one likes having sex with someone who doesn't care if they're too tired or care if they enjoy it either, and that is the final straw. He won't have sex with her when he's tired, but she will with him when she is and she's told him about it. 

At least she came her being totally honest. She's still having sex with him but she's likely ruined it for him now since she has as good as told him she'd rather be sleeping. But maybe not. He may simply not care how he gets sex as long as he gets it, and right now he's still getting it.

If all women wanted was an orgasm, they can usually do that better themselves and with a lot less effort.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

There are some normal questions:

Are you depressed?

Does your husband make an effort to make sure you orgasm?

Does he pull his weight at home?

Do you have other resentments that you're harboring?

Do you still like your husband?

Does he get a hall pass to have sex with other people since you don't want to have sex with him? If not, why not?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> Um, if somebody has only had lackluster sexual experiences, maybe never even had an orgasm during sex (not saying this is the case with OP, but it’s the case for many women) then they might find it sort of boring and more of a chore than anything else. Not everyone gets a lot of physical pleasure from it. Regardless of any emotional or bonding aspect, it’s not really worth the effort if you’re only having a so so experience and maybe not even getting off. A lot of physical work (if you aren’t going to do the “starfish” duty sex thing) and no big payoff for you. Sure you love your spouse, but if sex is this boring tasks that brings you no physical pleasure and your spouse expects sex regularly that’s got to get old fast.
> 
> There are MANY people, with more of them probably being women, who don’t really care for sex and can think of a number of other activities that are more fulfilling or give them more pleasure. Some people just have naturally lower sex drives as well, and not because of any sort of health or hormonal problem. On it’s own, it’s not really a problem. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with the person. It doesn’t make them abnormal. It only becomes a problem when you are in a relationship where one partner wants sex and the other partner isn’t interested. OP didn’t clarify, but I’m wondering if she did enjoy sex when she and her husband first got together. If so, she didn’t intentionally mislead him or “drag him down with her.
> 
> ...


All of what CC says above.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Bad presumption. With what she wrote, no love at all there. Maybe hate, at least annoyed, pissed off at him. No love there at all.


Maybe, but I was in her shoes, too, for a period of time. Resentment and frustration don't always mean there is no love, but the pain can make it look like there's not. Hopefully, she's open to seeing beyond herself. That said, I do agree her comment about taking care of it with porn was insulting. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn't realize how hurtful she was being? It took me a while to "grow up" with regard to marriage, and it's still a process even now. I think CC and Breaking Free nailed it. Women generally have a different perspective than men on sex. If the OP gains understanding of how important it is, she can work to make things better if she's willing.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ComplicatedMarriage said:


> Maybe, but I was in her shoes, too, for a period of time. Resentment and frustration don't always mean there is no love, but the pain can make it look like there's not. Hopefully, she's open to seeing beyond herself. That said, I do agree her comment about taking care of it with porn was insulting. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she didn't realize how hurtful she was being? It took me a while to "grow up" with regard to marriage, and it's still a process even now. I think CC and Breaking Free nailed it. *Women generally have a different perspective than men on sex. If the OP gains understanding of how important it is, she can work to make things better if she's willing.*


OP doesn't care to gain any understanding. She knows exactly what she is doing. She said she hated it. Period full stop. She doesn't want to make things better and isn't willing to do anything. Why remain married?

Of course if her husband puts up with this stuff. guess he desires the misery that OP LOVES dishing out. Most husbands wouldn't put up with it for any longer than it takes to call the attorney. ( or maybe find a willing sidepiece ).

BTW, if I recall, there is a thread of yours complaining about how your husband isn't paying enough attention to you now. So if you were doing early on what OP is doing now, seems like you are sleeping in the bed you made.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> OP doesn't care to gain any understanding. She knows exactly what she is doing. She said she hated it. Period full stop. She doesn't want to make things better and isn't willing to do anything. Why remain married?
> 
> Of course if her husband puts up with this stuff. guess he desires the misery that OP LOVES dishing out. Most husbands wouldn't put up with it for any longer than it takes to call the attorney. ( or maybe find a willing sidepiece ).
> 
> BTW, if I recall, there is a thread of yours complaining about how your husband isn't paying enough attention to you now. So if you were doing early on what OP is doing now, seems like you are sleeping in the bed you made.


She never actually said she hated it. Maybe she actually does HATE it, but she only said she doesn't like it. That could be interpretted in a few ways - she may just not really enjoy it and gets nothing from it and sees it as a chore, but she may not fully HATE it. I don't know for sure. I can just see how you might not HATE it, but you don't like it either - it's just a thing that you rather not be doing when you could be doing something else that you actually enjoy. If she truly feels like it's a chore she might just dislike it in the same way that somebody else doesn't like doing dishes. It's not particularly torturous but you'd rather be doing a laundry list of other things. I think to rush to the conclusion that she should leave him or he should leave her is a bit extreme. If she has no interest in rediscovering an enjoyment of sex and specifically sex with her husband, then yes, separation may be the route to go. That could be the case, but I don't think we have enough information to say this marriage is completely hopeless. You often offer some very extreme advice and jump to conclusions. Then again, this forum is filled with people who say they would leave their spouse if the didn't regularly get oral sex, so...

I also don't think she's intentionally trying to dish out misery. She doesn't come across as "loving" dishing this misery out to him. I agree that telling him to use his hands and porn was insensitive. There is a difference between sex and masturbation. But come on, to those people who are claiming her husband just really wants to bond with her. Okay, that could be true. But it could also be true that he just wants to get off and prefers a warm, wet hole over his own hands. We don't know enough about him from the little she's posted. Everyone suddenly jumping to his defense when we just don't know enough, in my opinion. 

OP, if you do decide to respond to any of the comments here, I'd also be interested to know if you've sat down and tried to have a real conversation with him about this. I know you said you try to engage him right after he's got off work to try to make him understand how you feel, but does this also mean you've had any conversations about it? Do the two of you work a relatively similar schedule or do you work different shifts by chance (I only ask because I imagine that could make it more difficult to find a good time that would work for both of you while you're both feeling good and not so tired). I'm also interested to know how often you have duty sex with him. How often does he ask for it?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

HelenaIvy said:


> To get him to see why I'd rather sleep, I try to engage him after he just worked all night as soon as he comes home and he gets grumpy and declines--I tell him this is what it's like for me. Still doesn't get it.


Here's what I'd tell the woman in the story:

I real question Helenalvy. As a temporary solution, do you have any girlfriends you can hook him up with, either single or married with husbands that feel like you do? It could be a blessing for both you and him. Many moons ago, I had a client whose wife was in the position of your husband due to ED problems. I was engaged by him to help with the wife while he overcome his situation. He controlled providing his wife relief. After a few months and surgery, his problem was fixed and they resumed a traditional marriage.
Accordingly, its within the foreseeable future that your husband seek the comforts of a female that enjoys being with him. There is little a man with a bruised ego wants more than to fix that bruised ego. And ain't no better medicine for a male ego bruised by a woman than another woman who makes him feel wanted and loved and makes a lier out of the bruiser. If/when he finds her, youre going to become plan B, as they call it, and that kind of thing happens every day. For the sake of your marriage, its better that you control the women who will be serving him dessert. Take my word for it. I ain't trying to be funny.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> OP, this forum is obsessed with sex. Some posters here act as if sex is THE single greatest activity in the world. As someone who likes sex, I have to disagree. Some even keep records detailing how often they do it with their spouse, along with other details...seriously, they keep effing documentation!


OMG that is so true. I am HD and went through a period where my wife had zero libido. I would complain and no lie she would pull out a calendar that she kept and documented every time we had sex. She used this to show me that I was lying and that in her opinion that I was getting plenty of sex and that I should shut up about it. 


If it helps the OP to keep a log and show her husband that he is getting sex when perhaps he has forgotten it was as recently as a few days ago, I think that is OK. No need to call it an "effing log book" if it does help shed some light on things in the event the HD husband is being too pushy. If anything someone with little desire should keep a log book and document their feelings as it could be helpful.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’ve been used for sex and discarded....
> it was hurtful, but I kinda enjoyed getting used.


can you expand on this? I’m just curious as my wife had similar experiences the year before we met. She says she regrets them and they weren’t good experiences. But I wonder if some part of her enjoyed it too.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

badsanta said:


> OMG that is so true. I am HD and went through a period where my wife had zero libido. I would complain and no lie she would pull out a calendar that she kept and documented every time we had sex. She used this to show me that I was lying and that in her opinion that I was getting plenty of sex and that I should shut up about it.
> 
> 
> If it helps the OP to keep a log and show her husband that he is getting sex when perhaps he has forgotten it was as recently as a few days ago, I think that is OK. No need to call it an "effing log book" if it does help shed some light on things in the event the HD husband is being too pushy. If anything someone with little desire should keep a log book and document their feelings as it could be helpful.


I wasn’t talking about someone with a low drive or with less desire keeping the records. Usually it’s the other way around...often men who are HD or maybe even “normal” drive and aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting from their wives. There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> I wasn’t talking about someone with a low drive or with less desire keeping the records. Usually it’s the other way around...often men who are HD or maybe even “normal” drive and aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting from their wives. There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.


But therapists often recommend keeping a journal or way to log your feelings. An example might be a food journal to learn more about how your body reacts to certain foods. While a log or journal could be used negatively I imagine, the general idea is to help someone recognize a pattern of behavior that is problematic. Given that both an HD and LD are not perfect, perhaps the LD that you mention refuses to take ownership of bad behaviors and instead just gets angry or upset and call her husband a plant manager. 

At the end of the day anyone in this situation should ask why therapists find logs and journals useful. It is exactly like going to your doctor and showing him/her an exercise journal alongside daily blood pressure log entries.

The OP probably should keep a journal and ask her spouse to as well. Then they could compare notes and try to observe areas that need the most work or areas that seem like that could be easily improved with little effort.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.


I had to think of this, but suspect his number rarely gets above 3.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> I wasn’t talking about someone with a low drive or with less desire keeping the records. Usually it’s the other way around...often men who are HD or maybe even “normal” drive and aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting from their wives. *There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.*


Maybe he is giving her a performance discussion with proven metrics anticipating a possible "layoff." To prove to her she isn't measuring up to expectations for the job of his wife. If it is the one am thinking of, that is EXACTLY what he is doing and with her full knowledge that he will fill her position with another if performance doesn't improve. So she won't be surprised when finds herself "on the bricks". And, the ball is in her court, she is more than able to shove off if she doesn't like the conditions of the workplace. Of course, it could also work with genders reversed, there are plenty of threads on here where the husband has already been replaced for the position by his wife, he just doesn't realize it or won't accept it.

Seriously, don't understand married couples having a dynamic like this. If one or the other doesn't care enough to have a loving, caring, bonded, FAITHFUL relationship ( the things they swore an oath to have ) then why the underhanded abuse of the partner? Getting back at them for something they did 2 decades ago? Have the INTEGRITY and HONESTY to split the company, each taking their shares for use in a better investment.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Cici1990 said:


> There is a difference between sex and masturbation. But come on, to those people who are claiming her husband just really wants to bond with her. Okay, that could be true. But it could also be true that he just wants to get off and prefers a warm, wet hole over his own hands. We don't know enough about him from the little she's posted. Everyone suddenly jumping to his defense when we just don't know enough, in my opinion.


Not sure about all or even most men. And it may be because of my "adjunct" work during an earlier period of my life, but the essence of sex and the moment that is both sexually and mentally satisfying in respect to the sex act is the moment I know she's not only turned on but is experiencing exquisite pleasure. If, for whatever reason, that ain't going to happen, I have really never been interested in merely going through the motions.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe he is giving her a performance discussion with proven metrics anticipating a possible "layoff." To prove to her she isn't measuring up to expectations for the job of his wife. If it is the one am thinking of, that is EXACTLY what he is doing and with her full knowledge that he will fill her position with another if performance doesn't improve. So she won't be surprised when finds herself "on the bricks". Of course, it could also work with genders reversed, there are plenty of threads on where with the husband has already been replaced for the position by his wife, he just doesn't realize it or won't accept it.
> 
> Seriously, don't understand married couples having a dynamic like this. If one or the other doesn't care enough to have a loving, caring, bonded relationship then why the underhanded abuse of the partner? Getting back at them for something they did 2 decades ago? Have the INTEGRITY andHONESTY to split the company, each taking their shares for use in a better investment.


I think sometimes the LD partner may not be doing it intentionally, they just cannot appreciate the HD partner's appreciation of sex. My wife will often tell me "We just did it the other day?!" when I try to start something as if there is a limit as to how much sex you can have.

I think some people that are LD are clueless to the HD ones desires.

Thats how couples end up in the situation you describe.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> I wasn’t talking about someone with a low drive or with less desire keeping the records. Usually it’s the other way around...often men who are HD or maybe even “normal” drive and aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting from their wives. There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.


I did this when I had initially reached my point. 

It was quite simple, really.

After being shamed, gaslighted, and treated with hostility for wanting sex with my wife 2-3 times a week, I wanted an accurate picture of how often my advances were shunned versus embraced.

Turns out I was batting somewhere around 5%, despite her assertion that we had sex "all the time".

Sometimes cold, hard facts are needed to push through ********. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> I did this when I had initially reached my point.
> 
> It was quite simple, really.
> 
> ...


farside,

What did she say? Did it help your situation?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think sometimes the LD partner may not be doing it intentionally, they just cannot appreciate the HD partner's appreciation of sex. My wife will often tell me "We just did it the other day?!" when I try to start something as if there is a limit as to how much sex you can have.
> 
> I think some people that are LD are clueless to the HD ones desires.
> 
> Thats how couples end up in the situation you describe.


I recall your situation, and why you continue to put up with the whole thing. My wife has NEVER in our long marriage responded with "We just did it the other day" or anything similar. And I have never responded to her in that manner. We both have always responded to the approach of the other. I would rather live homeless under a bridge than a situation otherwise.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I recall your situation, and why you continue to put up with the whole thing. My wife has NEVER in our long marriage responded with "We just did it the other day" or anything similar. And I have never responded to her in that manner. We both have always responded to the approach of the other. I would rather live homeless under a bridge than a situation otherwise.


And you are lucky for it. My point was there are many couples who face this. Current stats show somewhere between 15-18 percent are deemed as "sexless" which is even less than what my few times per month is.

You should count your blessings and your good fotune.

And I put up with it as I still can't figure a way to get out of it without giving away the bank.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> And you are lucky for it. My point was there are many couples who face this. Current stats show somewhere between 15-18 percent are deemed as "sexless" which is even less than what my few times per month is.
> 
> You should count your blessings and your good fotune.
> 
> And I put up with it as I still can't figure a way to get out of it without giving away the bank.


For sure I am a blessed man and have always been thankful to have met my wife so long ago. She is a precious treasure.

Sorry end T/J


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> farside,
> 
> What did she say? Did it help your situation?


Mostly resentment. But we are healthy now. If you search my threads for "**** Test", you can read about it in detail.

That said, this is all a thread jack, and a mod perpetuating that is not the best way to answer in someone's thread. 

Sorry for the thread jack, OP.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> I did this when I had initially reached my point.
> 
> It was quite simple, really.
> 
> ...


I guess in my mind being given weekly or monthly data sheets on our sex life is only going to push me further away. That’s just me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> I guess in my mind being given weekly or monthly data sheets on our sex life is only going to push me further away. That’s just me.


I'm going to start a new thread on this in SIM so we can't stop thread jacking the OP's thread. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Mostly resentment. But we are healthy now. If you search my threads for "**** Test", you can read about it in detail.
> 
> That said, this is all a thread jack, and a mod perpetuating that is not the best way to answer in someone's thread.
> 
> ...


Well when there is a problem of someone that says they don't like sex, suggesting that the OP keep a journal could actually help. And yes as you experienced when you confront a spouse with a record of what is happening, it can generate resent. 

Perhaps one could point out that in Corinthians that "love keeps no record of wrongs." Much like the OP, my wife at one time pointed out that she did not like sex, and she kept a record/journal of how often and notes about if she thought I enjoyed it or not and what she thought was nice. It actually was rather effective for her to point out that she was making an effort and that some of my accusations about her not trying were false. While it may be problematic to keep records of wrongs, perhaps we could all suggest to the OP about keeping a record/journal of rights and things to be grateful about when it comes to sex within the marriage. 

When I looked at my wife's record keeping on our sex life, I went back and added some smiley faces and positive notes. It did help, and today we are in a healthier place.


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> BTW, if I recall, there is a thread of yours complaining about how your husband isn't paying enough attention to you now. So if you were doing early on what OP is doing now, seems like you are sleeping in the bed you made.


Well, that's a bit hurtful when I was just trying to explore other perspectives. Women do function a bit differently. If everyone took the "divorce him/her right away" approach there wouldn't be many marriages left. If you'll recall, I spent time working on my issues back when I was the one not wanting sex and came here looking for advice and encouragement rather than complaining.

That said, I find it more helpful to give some practical advice when possible. I felt I could potentially do that for the OP because I was in her shoes and worked on my issues. She needs to know there's a problem before she can fix it, though. So maybe gently leading her to see that would be more productive rather than insulting her for being a terrible wife? While divorce could be considered practical, I also think it may be extreme as a first line approach. Just my 2¢. But I think you'll have a better time helping someone see they might also need changes with a little kindness sprinkled in.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

HelenaIvy said:


> I tell him he has two hands and porn available- put it to use. But it's not enough for him.


And that statement saline is was the created divorce laws.....to get rid of spouses like you


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The two hands and porn line was definitely below the belt.

If you love the guy, figure out a way to show him in the way he needs- he’s not wrong for wanting a loving, exciting, intimate sexual relationship with his own wife.

Consider going to the doc for something that will increase your libido. Sadly, most women in your age group are pretty high drive. Yours is nil. Maybe there’s a reason.

Do you love your husband in a romantic way? If not, you should divorce him, because he still loves you that way, still has hope you’ll change, and doesn’t want to leave you......... yet.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Maybe you could encourage him to divorce and find someone more sexually compatible with him?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

We don't really know how often they are having sex. It might be more often than we think, maybe two or three times a day, like most people here on TAM.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Nope, she just doesn’t like sex. I’ve been with women that were mentally and physically exhausted and they still looked forward to going to bed—- not to sleep. Sometimes I would even be wanting to sleep, then the hands start moving....
> 
> she said it. She doesn’t care for sex. No fixing that.


She's not that tired with just one child..
Just inconsiderate.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CountryMike said:


> She's not that tired with just one child..
> Just inconsiderate.


I take you've looked after a 5 years old toddler and the house after working all day. Although the husband "helps"... so, she is indeed inconsiderate.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I take you've looked after a 5 years old toddler and the house after working all day. Although the husband "helps"... so, she is indeed inconsiderate.


Yes, I have. Wife has. At one child unless a disabled child, too tired is an old, tired excuse. Next question.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CountryMike said:


> Yes, I have. Wife has. At one child unless a disabled child, too tired is an old, tired excuse. Next question.


Ok, next question: do you know their sex frequency to make all these assumptions?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Torninhalf said:


> How often do you have sex?


Too many times it sounds like.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, her husband isn't interested in sex when he is tired. So, why is his tiredness an ok excuse but not hers?

A five year old is not a toddler. Yes, they still require a mountain of energy; but, I think the OP is spread too thin. And, she seems to be a little under weight for her height. An improvement in her diet and routines may pay dividends.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She liked it when young and love with new and exciting. I think this is more the norm than not. I think if she met whatever actor she thinks is handsome, she'd like sex again, and I think it is normal enough. I know women who like sex like men do, no matter what, but I realize my crowd isn't really typical of the general population.
> 
> And so many factors. No one much likes "servicing" someone over and over and over. It gets old and to be a chore.
> 
> ...


You are making a lot of assumptions there DBTR.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

We are only getting one side of the story.

Also, OP is saying she doesn’t want sex period. She has no interest in it and can go without. She had a sex drive in her 20’s and it is gone now. The only reason she gave for trying to initiate when he got off of work was to throw it in his face.

Being too tired isn’t the reason she is giving.

There is a big difference in working a day shift versus a night shift. Working nights I went without sleep to see the family often. You are always sleep deprived on night shift.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

HelenaIvy said:


> I used to when I was in my early 20's but now with a house, kid, stressful work etc, I'd rather have a date with my pillow than have sex.


She is overly tired.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> She is overly tired.


She comes across in her post as overly tired and exhausted - job, house, child - but she is still having sex with her husband when she is tired, he is not. We don't even know the frequency, but lots of people are jumping to conclusions here, as usual.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She comes across in her post as overly tired and exhausted - job, house, child - but she is still having sex with her husband when she is tired, he is not. We don't even know the frequency, but lots of people are jumping to conclusions here, as usual.


Being tied is just an excuse. She either lost her sexual desire completely or does not sexually desire her husband which is the core of the problem, not being tied or overwhelmed with house, kids, etc.

If being tied were the issue she could tell her husband "Honey, I really want to sexually connect with you but I am very tied right now. Let's tomorrow/weekend/Sunday/etc. do all chores together, ask family member/friends to watch kids one nigh or hire a baby sitter and I will give you unforgettable sexual experience".

We raised alone with no help whatsoever three kids with twins and we were tied beyond belief. But we never skipped sex for more than a week because it has always been as important to us as food or water.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I think some people that are LD are clueless to the HD ones desires.


This is true but it doesn’t need to be, because you can just explain it. As a normal, maybe barely dipping my toe into HD territory, man; it’s good to chat about things regularly to make sure we’re both on the same page.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You were brave to post this here! This forum is not very friendly to those who have your point of view. I do hope you come back and share more...you're situation is really not that uncommon. I suffer from similar things myself but stay quiet about it so I don't hear the wrath of the crowd.  

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

OR she could be one of the fake accounts , trying to make debate


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is true but it doesn’t need to be, because you can just explain it. As a normal, maybe barely dipping my toe into HD territory, man it’s good to chat about things regularly to make sure we’re both on the same page.


Agreed but does an LD person even want to discuss sex? My wife likes to knit but if she wanted to talk to me about knitting, I would have no interest. So I agree with what you are saying but I think if a person has no interest in something, they don't care about talking about it especially if they are being cited as being a problem in said topic. (i.e. sex)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

HelenaIvy said:


> To get him to see why I'd rather sleep, I try to engage him after he just worked all night as soon as he comes home and he gets grumpy and declines--I tell him this is what it's like for me. Still doesn't get it.


Reading @kag123 ‘s post made me go back and re-read the OP.

So a few things here:

Your husband needs to stop counter productive initiation. If my wife uses the phrase “I am tired.” prior to me attempting anything then nothing gets attempted. This happened to me last night and I just went to bed. You can explain this to him.

If you’re tired every evening, this is an obvious issue for him. In my case, my wife’s already low drive is even lower in the morning whereas that is when I am most interested. So this presents an issue but one that may be solvable depending on your exact schedules. On an average weeknight I try to initiate roughly 3h before my wife is likely to actually try to go to bed.

The next thing is that OP you don’t seem to get much out of it. Is this because your husband is crap at it, you just don’t like it, or both? In any case your husband should be trying to get his game up as part of HIS work in improving things. Can you tell if he is trying to do anything?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Agreed but does an LD person even want to discuss sex? My wife likes to knit but if she wanted to talk to me about knitting, I would have no interest. So I agree with what you are saying but I think if a person has no interest in something, they don't care about talking about it especially if they are being cited as being a problem in said topic. (i.e. sex)


No they don’t, but I found the more that you do it the easier it becomes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

romantic_dreamer said:


> We raised alone with no help whatsoever three kids with twins and we were tied beyond belief. But we never skipped sex for more than a week because it has always been as important to us as food or water.


I'm happy for you. You are a lucky person. I'm not saying it sarcastically. But why do you tie each either so much?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Do you admire your husband?


This is the trully right question!



Mr.Married said:


> Maybe she has already been made an ex-wife


Hopefully.
Not only because of sex in itself.
But because a sexless and specially a passionless relaationship IS also a loveless one.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So after spending pages and pages bashing the OP now the thread realizes they may have run her off? And what now you want to help?

I doubt she’ll be back TAM has once again been well. TAM


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> So after spending pages and pages bashing the OP now the thread realizes they may have run her off? And what now you want to help?
> 
> I doubt she’ll be back TAM has once again been well. TAM


Yep! I've been a member here for many years and this a topic I just do not converse about, period, due to the majority opinion on it. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP knew ahead of time she wouldn’t get a warm welcome on telling her husband to grab some porn and play with his weiner and leave her alone. Hit and run methinks.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP knew ahead of time she wouldn’t get a warm welcome on telling her husband to grab some porn and play with his weiner and leave her alone. Hit and run methinks.


Yum, I like Wiener sausages! Yes, she was venting, but maybe the reaction was a bit OTT. She sounded really distressed by the whole thing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> OP knew ahead of time she wouldn’t get a warm welcome on telling her husband to grab some porn and play with his weiner and leave her alone. Hit and run methinks.


You really think she came with the intention of never coming back? 
Not likely.

more likely she wanted to discuss this and get done sympathy about being overwhelmed and tired.

then she got so harshly dealt with I’m sure it hurt and now even if we could have helped her and her husband we can’t because who would post again? 
not many people come specifically to be called names, bashed and told how horrible they are


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> This is true but it doesn’t need to be, because you can just explain it. As a normal, maybe barely dipping my toe into HD territory, man; it’s good to chat about things regularly to make sure we’re both on the same page.


Is wanting sex 2 times a day not considered HD? I am actually curious to see what the threshold is for being considered HD and I couldn’t find an actual answer when Idid a quick Google search.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta have some interaction.....It’s anonymous. She can pick who she interacts with.
If she expects her husband to have thick enough skin to deal with he telling him to get some porn and use his hands and leave her alone, she should have thick enough skin to deal with anonymous negativity.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

God, I hate being awake in the morning. Seriously. I F-ing hate it. Especially on the weekends. Haven't been a morning person since I was a kid. Why am I awake right now? Only one possible reason. 




Cici1990 said:


> OP, this forum is obsessed with sex. Some posters here act as if sex is THE single greatest activity in the world.


Because it is!!!!! 😊 And it is the only thing that can wake me up early in the morning. I honestly can't think of anything much better than to open up my eyes to see my wife wearing my personal favorite lingerie and going to town on me. It's pretty much like her magical ability. If I was being woken up for anything else, I'm pretty sure I would have fallen back asleep. 



Cici1990 said:


> Some even keep records detailing how often they do it with their spouse, along with other details...seriously, they keep effing documentation!


WHAT?!? What kind of sick psychopath would do such a thing?! 😲😲....



Cici1990 said:


> I wasn’t talking about someone with a low drive or with less desire keeping the records. Usually it’s the other way around...often men who are HD or maybe even “normal” drive and aren’t satisfied with the amount of sex they are getting from their wives. There is one member here who shows his wife the “reports” of their activities on a regular basis, as if he’s a plant manager giving a report on the production line.


Damn.... This guy must be a real A-hole... but at the same time, he also sounds pretty damn smart. I mean, it sounds like he strives for results! He's always making sure his production line is running like a well-oiled machine.... literally and figuratively. 

Also kinda makes me wonder if his wife is benefitting big time as well from her high level of production? And not just production, HIGH QUALITY production. I bet this A-hole has a soft spot in his heart for his wife and makes it up to her for being so amazing to him. 😊

I don't know, maybe this guy setup this year's mother's day as if it was F-ing Christmas for his wife? Many presents, a large-scale crafting project completed by him and their children and an all expense paid trip to a day spa so she could enjoy herself and relax?

Maybe this guy can't do anything but think about his wonderful wife all day, every day. Trying to find things to help her out. Ease her stress. Take on more than his fair share of household duties so she can relax. Maybe he looks for new ways to take his children out of the house to go play with them so that she can have more relaxing, quiet time to herself. I don't know. I'm just spit-balling here. 


@Helenalvy

My wife and I are also 41. We too have young kids. We too are both professionals and work hard. We could come up with the same excuses you are using, but that's all they would be. Excuses. 

If your husband is cool with the sex you provide, then awesome. If not, then you two are incompatible. If your husband is HD, then what you are doing is extremely selfish. I'm not saying being the way you are is selfish, I'm saying staying with your husband is selfish. Don't trap him. I'm sure there are many great things about your personality that your husband loves. I'm sure he does in fact love you, but if he is HD, then you are slowly killing him inside. Yes, he is dying. It is an awful feeling that I can't hardly describe. If he is HD, then he is in a constant fight with himself in his mind. Every day. All day. It never stops. He fights the feelings he has for you. He loves you. He wants to be with you. You are the mother of his child. On the other side of the fight, he feels completely unloved. Unimportant. Worthless. You could buy him new things. You could tell him you love him. You could do any number of things to show your love for him. NONE of that matters. None. He won't feel loved unless you are sexually with him, and I'm not talking starfish. You have to show that you enjoy it and want to be there with him.

If you can't do that, that is perfectly fine. No judgement here. Not everyone can do that and that is perfectly ok. But you do need to take the next step and let him know you cannot provide. In that case, you need to cut him loose. 

In my personal case, my wife must have been touched by the divine and had a miraculous 180 turn about 8 months ago. She's turned back into the woman I fell in love with when we were 22. In fact, she is better than that young girl I fell in love with. However, if that did not happen, I would have left within a couple of years. I was close to being dead. I was barely able to robotically move myself through my day. Only thing I looked forward to was figuring out my escape from this hell. Thankfully, I don't have to do that anymore.


Anyways, that's all I gotta say about that. We had a high level of production in my sex manufacturing plant this morning. I have some important data entry to write down now before I forget.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> No they don’t, but I found the more that you do it the easier it becomes.


Depends on the person. For some people, the more you try to talk about sex with them, the more annoyed they are going to be. I say this completely honestly and with no judgment, but some of the things you’ve said about how you began to fix things with your wife would have annoyed the heck out of me. Some things I would have enjoyed 😉


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> Is wanting sex 2 times a day not considered HD? I am actually curious to see what the threshold is for being considered HD and I couldn’t find an actual answer when Idid a quick Google search.


Twice a day is HD. Three times a week is probably average for people over 40 who are married. U are definitely HD Cici.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So after spending pages and pages bashing the OP now the thread realizes they may have run her off? And what now you want to help?
> 
> I doubt she’ll be back TAM has once again been well. TAM


TAM’s obsession with sex can be quite toxic.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cici1990 said:


> TAM’s obsession with sex can be quite toxic.


Pot, meet kettle. 😋


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Cici1990 said:


> TAM’s obsession with sex can be quite toxic.


Not just sex...


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So after spending pages and pages bashing the OP now the thread realizes they may have run her off? And what now you want to help?
> 
> I doubt she’ll be back TAM has once again been well. TAM


To that I would say she didn't want help. She wanted people to agree with her and let her know the way she acts is alright. 

TAM don't got time for that. 

The "harshness" in this thread pales in comparison to others. Especially in the infidelity forums. 

And yet, many people keep coming back to TAM because this place has helped and continues to help so many people with their marriages. All assuming of course one actually comes here looking for help. It took me all of one month to almost get addicted to this place because it provides so much insight.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> TAM’s obsession with sex can be quite toxic.


 TAM letting people with many accounts , use these accounts to ask a question and then another fake account respond to it makes a fool out of the honest people that come here to help others and seek help ,


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You really think she came with the intention of never coming back?
> Not likely.
> 
> more likely she wanted to discuss this and get done sympathy about being overwhelmed and tired.
> ...


Oh, I see we are in agreement. I'm with you 100%, Anastasia. She came here for sympathy for being tired.


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Twice a day is HD. Three times a week is probably average for people over 40 who are married. U are definitely HD Cici.


I was interested to see that ccpowerslave considers himself as just dipping his toes into the water of being HD, when he’s stated he prefers twice a day ideally. That is definitely HD to me, not just dipping your toes into the shallow end.


LATERILUS79 said:


> God, I hate being awake in the morning. Seriously. I F-ing hate it. Especially on the weekends. Haven't been a morning person since I was a kid. Why am I awake right now? Only one possible reason.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would have been out the door, is all I’m saying. I’m glad it worked for that guy. If it has the desired effect on one’s spouse, wonderful! It wouldn’t have the desired effect on me, I’m guessing probably not OP, and probably not many other people around the world. I actually side eye the spouse who responds positively to it. I can’t understand responding positively to something like that at all. I can’t understand how it doesn’t just piss the spouse off. Maybe that’s my stubborn streak. Just thinking about it makes me blood boil. I think if somebody did that to me I’d be sure to go screw somebody else and take a video for my husband to have. Maybe he could rate me then. Have fun with your spreadsheets, darling.

There’s a whole other thread about it now. A lot of people do it, apparently. It’s not for me. I still think it’s obsessive and weird, as is reading and listening to infidelity stories on repeat. I was trying to explain to the OP whys she won’t get sympathy here since TAM is obsessed with sex and most people seem to think it’s the single greatest thing in the world so they won’t be able to begin to understand her perspective. I get that sex actually is the greatest thing to some people. It isn’t to OP, it isn’t to me, it isn’t to a lot of people.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> She is overly tired.


So she has been overly tired for 20 years????


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Pot, meet kettle. 😋


I’m not obsessed with sex. I can speak openly about it. I enjoy it. I don’t keep records of it. I don’t even think it’s the greatest thing in the world. I can understand how somebody like the OP could feel the way she does (whether it’s a fake account or not, it’s feelings real people do have). I can think of things I’d prefer....to have all household chores done for me at all times, to get a good massage without expecting sex in return, a shopping spree, getting the perfect haircut, a full 8 hour sleep where I actually wake up feeling rested (I do not sleep well), getting a new kitten, eating this strawberry cheesecake grilled cheese that this local restaurant makes (ok, maybe eating 2 in one sitting and somehow not feeling guilty). I’m not saying I’d totally forsake sex forever for these things, but sometimes I’d pick them over sex in a heartbeat.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> She is overly tired.


She never said she was overly tired.

Your quote says it all.

If someone wants to have sex, they will find time.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, next question: do you know their sex frequency to make all these assumptions?


Yes.
The frequency is apparently not frequent enough. 
Do you just want to argue my background, my reasonings? Go for it if you want.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cici1990 said:


> I’m not obsessed with sex. I can speak openly about it. I enjoy it. I don’t keep records of it. I don’t even think it’s the greatest thing in the world. I can understand how somebody like the OP could feel the way she does (whether it’s a fake account or not, it’s feelings real people do have). I can think of things I’d prefer....to have all household chores done for me at all times, to get a good massage without expecting sex in return, a shopping spree, getting the perfect haircut, a full 8 hour sleep where I actually wake up feeling rested (I do not sleep well), getting a new kitten, eating this strawberry cheesecake grilled cheese that this local restaurant makes (ok, maybe eating 2 in one sitting and somehow not feeling guilty). I’m not saying I’d totally forsake sex forever for these things, but sometimes I’d pick them over sex in a heartbeat.


And, you can do all of those things you love most for yourself and by yourself. Without making another human miserable because you want what you want when you want it. Or with a friend. You don't need to be married to have any of them. And, your being pissed off and leaving if your SO kept records is appropriate and understandable reaction. Would actually be best for both spouses in a marriage to dissolve and/or renegotiate the contract if it isn't working for both for any reason at any time. The original OP isn't happy and neither is her husband. Most honorable thing for her to do would be to dissolve the marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ABHale said:


> So she has been overly tired for 20 years????


Hey, maybe she needs to get her testosterone checked.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is 41 now and actually said she hasn’t wanted sex like she did in her early 20’s.

She is hostile about it with her husband. Actually telling him he as 2 hands and porn.




HelenaIvy said:


> Hubs helps out, we have 1 kid under 5. Both 41. I have zero need for sex. I consider it a want NOT a need like food water shelter. And it's become a chore. Usually I just tell him let's get this over it and do doggy so he can cum fast. Sorry tmi.


This really sounds like someone that really just doesn’t want sex, no other reason.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Folks, we have one post from the OP, and 107 (now 108) from everyone else. 

I would venture a guess that she is not returning, so I am closing for now.

OP, if you want your thread reopened, please PM myself, or one of the moderators, and we will do so.

Closed. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Cici1990 (Feb 22, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> And, you can do all of those things you love most for yourself and by yourself. Without making another human miserable because you want what you want when you want it. Or with a friend. You don't need to be married to have any of them. And, your being pissed off and leaving if your SO kept records is appropriate and understandable reaction. Would actually be best for both spouses in a marriage to dissolve and/or renegotiate the contract if it isn't working for both for any reason at any time. The original OP isn't happy and neither is her husband. Most honorable thing for her to do would be to dissolve the marriage.


But divorcing is much more complicated than saying “well, we have different levels of sexual desire, let’s split.” And this is especially true with a child involved. I get the feeling that OP didn’t enter into her marriage disliking sex, but I could be wrong. I doubt she disliked sex and intentionally tricked her husband into marrying her. It’s something that’s happened along the way. And I also get there are other factors beyond her just being worn out at the end of the day. If neither of willing to compromise and work on the issue, then yes divorce may be best. We just don’t have enough info and probably never will at this rate.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CountryMike said:


> The frequency is *apparently* not frequent enough.


Apparently.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

This may be an unpopular position here, and I’m certainly not an advocate of cheating, but when you take the vow to be faithful, isn’t there at least a inferred commitment to regular sex with your spouse?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Folks, we have one post from the OP, and 107 (now 108) from everyone else.
> 
> I would venture a guess that she is not returning, so I am closing for now.
> 
> ...


I guess not.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I guess not.


Moderator fail. You get what you pay for. 



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