# Scared my marriage is coming to an end...



## Oceandancer (Apr 27, 2010)

Over the past several months my husband has become distant. Snappy at times with me. We don't talk like we used to. Many times when I try to show affection I get pushed away. He is very distant, and it is like pulling teeth finding out what is on his mind. Sex has decreased more and more. I am almost always the one that initiates now, and am turned down in many cases. When we do get to the "deed" in many cases he starts with an erection but when it comes down to it he loses it. Other times I try and try, I just don't so it. He has finally admitted there are problems with our marriage. He claims the sex drive isn't because of me (heck levitra hasn't worked). He swears up and down he loves me as much as he always has, but honestly I don't see it anymore. All those little things he used to do for me have all but disappeared. I have tried and tried to show more affection, voice my love for him, voice my need for that sexual connection. We've done the nights in hotels, he will "take care of me" but there seem to be no fireworks on his end. He did go out and spend way to much on yohimbe, levitra, and ginseng today. I question if he just hasn't realized it is a lack of attraction/ love lost for me. He has always been a big one to talk about sex is all about feelings. Going by his rule of thumb there obviously isn't much in the way of feelings.

We have been together over ten years and have been through a lot of ups and downs. I expect that in a marriage, but things are just not the same. I am so hurt, and so worried this will be the demise of our relationship. I feel I have lost my grounding. I also have even more of a body image problem since this. Although I am not overweight I have had 3 children. Things arent like they used to be in the body department, his lack of interest also makes me super self concince. 

I just don't know what to do, where to turn. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

1. He is having an affair. Don't rule that out by saying he comes home from work or there are no suspicious absences. There's no telling how he negotiates/manipulates his time when he is supposed to be at work. Or perhaps even an office/workplace affair. Something you may want to find out about without asking him. If you ask, he will probably just deny it, and then you still won't know, but it will eat you up not knowing for certain.

or

2. He is having some problem with depression/bi-polar and needs medical/psychiatric attention for medication.

or

3. There are problems in your marriage like he said. You keep focusing on the lack of sex, but you didn't address his complaint with us, nor did you tell us whether or not you addressed it with him. Have you explored his complaint and discussed it with him? Have the two of you decided to do anything about the problems, or are you still focusing on the lack of sex part? Perhaps you need to discuss going to counseling so you can get those issues ironed out. Then, there won't be a whole lot you will have to question or guess about. You will learn what his problem is and how he feels about you.

What are you going to do?


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Have you spoke with him? Do you believe or suspect someone else?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> 1. He is having an affair. Don't rule that out by saying he comes home from work or there are no suspicious absences. There's no telling how he negotiates/manipulates his time when he is supposed to be at work. Or perhaps even an office/workplace affair. Something you may want to find out about without asking him. If you ask, he will probably just deny it, and then you still won't know, but it will eat you up not knowing for certain.
> 
> or
> 
> ...



i like that you give different reasons, but the affair being the first one seems like "girl done wrong" syndrome. i feel the same way toward my wife that the op states her husband feels, or acts. i am not having any type of affairs, EA or PA, nor do i surf porn or have substance abuse issues. im a good father and provider. in my case we have simply grown apart. i have alot of resentment for her not addressing things in her life and she probably has the same feelings about me. maybe he has similar issues, until they talk, and i mean really deep discussion, she may not know. he needs to open up to her and lay out his feelings, but she states its like pulling teeth. it is wrong to shut down on your partner, and he sounds guilty of that.


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## Oceandancer (Apr 27, 2010)

I have tried to discuss it with him. I have tried to discuss all of our issues. He clams up 99% of the time. He says it is him, not me. Sometimes he will admit there is a problem in our marriage, other times he says he sees no problem. I am the one that sees it, not him. He did talk to me a little bit finally but it was along the lines of that he loves me very much, and that he has a lot on his mind. We have had hard times in the past, but nothing like this.

He got laid off a few months ago so there could be no workplace affair. He is currently doing the stay at home dad thing until he finds work. It would be very hard for him to sneak off. Although not impossible.


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## definitelynotme (May 4, 2010)

Maybe he just needs a little space and time. Did the problems start or worsen after he got laid off? He might be feeling inadequate in other areas, which are now translating to the bedroom.

Maybe... although I doubt many would agree... you should just give it a break for a bit. I.e., give him a few weeks where you don't initiate sex and don't try to talk to him about his feelings or your problems.

But I'm a woman, so...?


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## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

Don't always assume its an affair. As previously stated..it could be just growing apart. It is so hard to realize that or accept it. I am in that process now and it is heartbreaking. All I can say is, take a deep breath and take it one issue at a time...that is what I am doing right now.


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## godman85 (May 8, 2010)

I am in the same position. Except..... I am the man in the relationship being distant from my wife. She completely ignores all advise i give no matter how sane the answer will be. She always acts on her emotions. This insults my intelligence. She humors me with bull**** compliments and fake interests. She has been caught in lies numerous times. Now I could care less about her sexually. I am completely unattracted to her even though she is a hard 9/10. I have changed alot for this chick and she hasnt changed one bit from the time i caught her in her selfish lies. She might think something is going on and she would be right. I am contemplating the end. It will happen very soon cause i know i don't love her like my wife. I love her like a friend. A person i can run into every now andthen and say whats up. But under no circumstance live with.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

Oceandancer said:


> He got laid off a few months ago so there could be no workplace affair. He is currently doing the stay at home dad thing until he finds work. It would be very hard for him to sneak off. Although not impossible.


That is your problem right there, depression. Your husband not working probably makes him feel less of a man for you and he probably thinks that he's not taking care of you and being a "provider" to you and your kids. 

I'm sure he isn't into sex because he doesn't feel man enough and that he's letting you down and that's probably sitting in the back of his mind.

Try counseling (work/marriage counseling) and maybe see if he's open to some antidepressants if that is in fact what he may be suffering from.


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