# Going through separation for now....



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

I since had a talk with my wife of 9 years. We both came to the conclusion that we needed to separate. We talked about how in the past I had some problems with alcohol and got arrested in Oct. of last year. That is what pretty much ended it. Yet I believe that it was more than that even before then. 
It might have been a few months after she quit her job that sped up the downward spiral. 
Right now we are both living together but separated and she is still without a job. I believe that she is seeing someone else on the sly and don't want me to know about it. Even before we talked about separating. Which this weekend she is more than likely with him and just lying to me. Which is rather painful since I did see a few of her texts to him and she texts like we used to IM(before texting) in our marriage. So now I believe that she don't want to try and work this out since she is seeing someone on the DL. 
It's good that the older kids are at their grandma's house in AZ and the youngest one is here, but she is only 2 1/2 so she don't really know. 
I am at the point where I rather have her move out, since when we talked about separating that the kids would stay with me because we both don't want them to leave their schools and I make all of the money. I have been researching about separation and divorces, but not quite willing to go that far just yet. I will wait til the kids get back and when we go to my father's house for a reunion in July I will know if she is serious about working on ourselves to get better. I believe that she is just ready to move on. 
Communication is something I have been trying to work on and one of the reasons why I have been seeing a counselor to work on some issues besides separation. Work hasn't been the greatest either, which is making it stressful as well. Trying to find a more flexible job to watch the little one.
Right now I am pretty much over with this added stress. I think that I am numb and just ready to move on. I am sure that she is as well. We both have a mutual understanding about the kids and needing our space and working on ourselves. Yet she is acting like an unmarried childless woman. I don't really understand it. I get the kids and the house, while she moves out and does her thing. I am taking steps to move on and make things better for the kids and such, while she hasn't really done anything yet. I kind of think that it might get nasty if and when the divorce happens. I do love her, but I don't take kindly to the lying and doing things counterproductive to working on the marriage behind my back. I am working to make it better, but also on my self to be a better communicator in a relationship, but she is acting like it's already over and has moved on, but still here. I am going to put some more pressure on her about finding a place to live so that it will make it easier for me to work on myself and deal with these problems. Having her in the same house just makes it harder and I don't want to fight. Maybe after this weekend she will work on finding a place to stay. My emotional state is ready to move on, even now and then I do have those heartache moments. 
I welcome any comments and suggestions. I know what I should do, but also making sure that I don't make a few missteps prior to filing for a divorce or legal separation. I am sure that my kids will be torn, but I want the best for them and no moving around to several different schools. I know how that feels being a military brat and been through a couple of divorces as a child. The pain will be there, but I am usually good about sorting out my feelings and problems, but counseling will and is helping.


----------



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

Just wanted to do a quick update with my W and I. She decided to take off the weekend, telling me that she was going with a friend, because her friend was playing in a band in a club. Well I wasn't really buying it since I checked her phone and there were a few texts from a guy she met about going camping. I have been trying to get her to go camping, but it was always about money or no time and etc. Well now that our cell phones are turned off, she can't text, but still use it for the wi-fi within the house and she is also going on the computer to chat with him. At this point I don't really thing separation is the answer, but she don't have a job, and I don't want to really be mean like that, since I will need to secure a place for the youngest one in daycare. She is starting to get sloppy in hiding a few things, so I am going to have to confront her about this whole on the downlow ordeal and get it over with. Gives me a reason to downgrade my job to take care of my kids.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

coreoutdoors said:


> Just wanted to do a quick update with my W and I. She decided to take off the weekend, telling me that she was going with a friend, because her friend was playing in a band in a club. Well I wasn't really buying it since I checked her phone and there were a few texts from a guy she met about going camping. I have been trying to get her to go camping, but it was always about money or no time and etc. Well now that our cell phones are turned off, she can't text, but still use it for the wi-fi within the house and she is also going on the computer to chat with him. At this point I don't really thing separation is the answer, but she don't have a job, and I don't want to really be mean like that, since I will need to secure a place for the youngest one in daycare. She is starting to get sloppy in hiding a few things, so I am going to have to confront her about this whole on the downlow ordeal and get it over with. Gives me a reason to downgrade my job to take care of my kids.


Don't want to be 'mean' like what? Like using time that could be spent job hunting running around with other men? Living single even though you have children? Stomping on your heart? There is a difference between being mean and enabling. You deserve so much more!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

I think I just might have to put my foot down and see what happens. We are going to have a talk this weekend to get this out in the open and see what happens. I do have family from both sides supporting me, so that helps. I just might need it after this weekend.


----------



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

another update. 
while I am going to a counselor to get some help, my W is going out and spending the night with this other man. I know what she is doing. I also think that she knows I know what she is doing. The other day when we talked, we both discussed about getting a divorce. What started it was a post on my blog that went public somehow. I didn't mean for that to happen, but her mom read it and called her to ask her what was going on. Well needless to say, we talked for a an hour then again after I got off from work. That's when we decided to just get the divorce. 
The good thing is that I am going to keep the kids with me so that they can go to school at their same school so as to not disrupt them too much. She don't want any money for them since I would be keeping them. I feel that she will not be able to find a good enough job to really take them back. Especially since I make the better money, but she is thinking of moving out for a while and visit them on the weekends or whenever, since she will not have anything in her apartment. Yet I know better. It's starting to catch up with her. To be honest I didn't think that she would cheat, regardless of the situation. I thought I would have been the one to do something like that. I must not have any game!
I have a feeling that even a few times before all of this happened that she might have done something with another man. But this current situation is starting to try my patience. I don't have a current plan on how to best go about this. I am already looking for divorce lawyers to get this started. I am done. I don't cheat and lie about it and I wouldn't want anyone else to do that to me. If you tell me then maybe we can talk about this and move on. I am moving on and soon, she will have to answer to someone. The kids will find out and that will not be easy to deal with. I will not have any answers, she will have to answer them. I did my part in the marriage for the most part. Even though I didn't pay enough attention or do a lot of the little things, I still cared and did make an effort. 
I think that my biggest problem will be dealing with the hurt and loss, and also being alone again for a while. More than enough reason to get out and move forward!


----------



## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

*Re: Going through separation for now....UPDATE*

I finally filed a few weeks ago, and so far the wife has been not very cooperative. Once I did file and told her that I did, her whole attitude changed. She now knows I was serious and not playing around anymore. The real problem is the kids being torn between us. Since I have 3 kids, this makes it harder to deal with. The oldest one has been disruptive to me and my girlfriend and just doing things to stall me in anything I do around the house or with her mom. Which is just like what her mom is doing. The other two love me, but now they wanted to live with their mom after the older 2 spent some time with their mothers grandmom in AZ. Which brings me to them telling me at one point with a conversation about an incident that the older one lied about and started this whole custody fight before mediation, that they had "Deep pockets" in order to help the STBXW in the custody issue. It's a whole mess right now, but now that they are gone, she won't be able to handle them and I fear that all the work I put in to getting the youngest one potty train will go out the window, because she won't want to do the work in getting to go potty or whatever. Meaning that she will get the oldest one to watch the kids, since she isn't in school right now, and she will be yelling and treating the other 2 badly. The STBXW will not or can't handle the pressure of watching them without having her mom help out eventually so she can do her own thing. She is just doing it to get at me about it. Which is fine, but after the judge sees what she has been doing on a few social media sites, before she closed them, I will print out the screen shots and take them into court as well. 
I feel as though she is trying to make things harder for me, but my girlfriend is helping me in keeping things cool and collected for me. Otherwise I would've have gone off on the STBXW several times. I keep telling her to have the cops come out or she already does it before she gets here, to keep the peace. The last time she came out, the cops where called and she started to yell at me when she was taking off and I said goodbye to the kids except for the oldest one. Since she mouthed off in front of the cops, they will put that in their report and I at least have something else against her. I just want what's right for the kids. I don't see her as a fit enough parent, since she don't have a stable living situation, while I own the house and they have been living with me and going to school where I live. She moved out, and has been out for about a year now. So I am thinking that I will retain a lawyer somehow and since she rather not do mediation I will eventually get the kids back since I am thinking I do more for those kids than she ever did.


----------



## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Your girlfriend may be helpful to you, but since your divorce isn't finalized yet it might be good to keep her away from your children. Divorce is hard on kids and they generally hope for reconciliation (even when they've seen evidence of fighting & unhappiness). From your child's point of view, your girlfriend is an interloper, so of course you are going to get antagonism from the kid. It isn't really fair to put your girlfriend through that.

Really the only thing you can do is to try to finalize this divorce. Have you two reached a final agreement on custody, child support, spousal support, division of property. You keep on saying that she doesn't have a job and that you make all the money, but depending on the state that you live in you may have to help your exW so that she can parent your children.


----------

