# why wont he love me?



## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

my husbnd and i have been married for 3 years. we have 2 boys. one is about to turn four and the other about to be 1. i dont have any clue why he wont love me....

my husband john is a good husband. he works as a correction officer at a prison, pays for our car, our house, our food, and i stay home all day with no transportation and cook, clean, care for the kids, and when he comes home he tells me about his day and he doest yell at me or cheat on me or watch porn or hit anything. he is a good person. and so am i. i have a good personality and so does he. so what is the problem??

i listen intently when he talks about stuff, good or bad news, jokes i always think are funny-of course i laugh, when he is sad i try to be a shoulder to him, when he is in the mood, i never turn him down. when he doesnt feel good i take care of him. i let him sleep in on the wkends, i dont judge him or make fun of him. i do what he wants to do. i buy gifts for him, i make special dinners for us sometimes (when we can), i look deep in his eyes at quiet moments and when i do-all he does is make a silly face, roll his eyes pull away when i try to kiss him- or he kisses me so fast and pulls away so fast i dont even have time to kiss him back. he looks away from me. i dress up for him in his fav. clothes and use the perfume he bought me last christmas, and use the jewlry he buys me and do my makeup the way i know he likes it. but even still, he wont make love to me unless HE starts it. he wont ever kiss me for more than 2 seconds at a time. he gets upset if i have any negative thing to say- including a couple years ago when my sister was in iraq and i would stay up crying all night on the stairs becuase i knew if he heard me he wouldnt do anything but sigh and act annoyed. in fact if i have anything positive to say he still doesnt do anything but sigh or look tired. then all of a sudden- as soon as i ask him about him- he is wide awake, not tired and is yapping non stop about stuff that sometimes worries me or scares me (becuase of his job) and doesnt stop.

it seems that i dont even excite him at all. the biggest news i have to tell him about my week is that i stubbed my toe... you get it. i dont have anything in my life except home. he is so annyoed to do anything for me and when i do stuff for him i do it gladly with a smile. i cant even try to not enjoy it. its too hard for me to hate being nice to him. he likes talking to his ucle whos about 7 years older than him about the job they both share together - they work together... but then he leaves me out. and when his uncle has anything upsetting on his mind- john is there for him. he doest get tired or annoyed suddenly.

he wont CARE for me. he wont hold me or tell me he loves me like he means it. if im sad, angry, tired, had a bad day, scared, stressed, or anything not "happy"- he is annoyed, angry, or acts too "exhausted" to help me all of a sudden- even when he was previously ok. he wont laugh at my jokes. in fact yesterday i got sad that he didnt and i asked why he didnt laugh and of course he did this:
*sigh* why would i laugh? why would anyone even THINK thats funny? im sorry- i just dont understand why i should have laughed. not to be mean" ect. ect. ect. 

he is so aloof. he never gives a crap how hard i try for him. i have tried talking to him about it and. you just use your imagination for that one.

i go through this every single day. i ignore his absence. i dont tell our family about it, or gossip. i just try harder, and harder untill i cant anymore. try comming up with a new gift for someone every day when the next gift always has to be better than the last one. do that every day for an entire year. youll be exhausted. well that is how hard i try. i dont come up with gifts everyday. but when i try to be even better every day 365 days of the year and he is less interested in me than ever... im just... defeated


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## blondegirl (Jun 15, 2009)

It sounds to me like your doing all you can. Your doing your part, but as a husband he needs to step in and do his part. I would put everything on the table, and let him know how you are feeling. Maybe some marriage counseling together. I would also suggest starting a hobby that you guys can enjoy together. To me it sounds like your his slave....

I hope things get better for you


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> i go through this every single day. i ignore his absence. i dont tell our family about it, or gossip. i just try harder, and harder untill i cant anymore. try comming up with a new gift for someone every day when the next gift always has to be better than the last one. do that every day for an entire year. youll be exhausted. well that is how hard i try. i dont come up with gifts everyday. but when i try to be even better every day 365 days of the year and he is less interested in me than ever... im just... defeated


Sweetheart, you're doing it all wrong!

You are showing every sign of having low self esteem. You are acting as if he is more worthwhile than you. Stop all the gifts at once. Stop trying to please him - it's not working. Be the woman of mystery. Let him try to guess what's going on in your head.

Work on loving yourself. It's great when a man validates you. but when it's not happening, you have to validate yourself. You can start this by being nice to yourself. Eat healthy food, take exercise, make friends.

I'll tell you a secret: Nobody, but nobody is going to love you more than you love yourself. When your love is perfect, he may well become more interested. Right now he despises you. That's what the eye rolling means. Research show that once the eye rolling starts, divorce is on the cards.

Improve yourself, and if he does not take a shine to you, a new guy will


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

blondegirl said:


> It sounds to me like your doing all you can. Your doing your part, but as a husband he needs to step in and do his part. I would put everything on the table, and let him know how you are feeling. Maybe some marriage counseling together. I would also suggest starting a hobby that you guys can enjoy together. To me it sounds like your his slave....


thanks for your reply. im so emotional about all this... thanks for reading all of my post. sorry its so long.

i have about once a week explained my feelings. all of them. very thoroughly. i have started hobbys and he takes no interest. he dosent admire the fact that i was an art major in HS where we fell in love, or that i can sew clothes for my kids, or anything. when i tell him my feelings he gets tired and starts acting like he cant stay awake-hes good at that. hes so bored with me. we had marriage counceling and we had to do an excersize where we take turns doing something nice for eachother and he said it was stupid and gave up. we stopped going. another time the councelor got mad at us cause we were supposed to try looking in eachothers eyes and he just laughed and the councelor was like "you cant even look at eachother. this isnt funny..." ect.

im sorry im so negative. i really appreciate your advise though. i wish it would work.

when i try to kiss him for real, he acts out of breath or tired or busy or dumb. he knows he needs to work on this, and sometimes he sees the hurt in my eyes when he pulls away- and he gets upset and says "IM TRYING!"
no he wasnt. he was giving up and getting upset cause i got sad. like always.

he told me last night that im doing everything right. he said "its not you. the only time i get upset with you is when you geta temper or when your in a bad mood" or whatever. he said its just hard for him to get himself in the mood. i told him "that is what im for" and even if i do get him in the mood ocasionally, he still says "im SORRY!" and just forces himself out of the mood. but when he happens to be in the mood, i know its now or never even if im in pain or not feeling good or not in the mood. i never complain about those times, but i have told him about them.

he said that he is just depressed about all that had been going on in the last month. all that happend was i aggreed to buy a house finally and we did and then we moved in and i upacked everything by myself. and i helped him lift heavy things that i couldnt do by myself becuase he didnt want to wait a day or two for another guy to show up and help. for example. the TV. its big its heavy and i had to lift it UP onto the entertainment center with him. i have no muscles. teh last year i have pulled my arm muscles about every week because he wont give me a break and stop makeing me work so hard. it nearly crushed my chest lifting the tv. i cried and he didnt even ASK if i was okay. didnt even thank me. 

yeah i try to be there for him since he is so "depressed" but im being depressed about his attitude too. he wont lean on me for support becuase apparently "that isnt who he is". he pushes me further. he treats me like this daily. we havent even celebrated about our new house yet


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> yeah i try to be there for him since he is so "depressed" but im being depressed about his attitude too. he wont lean on me for support becuase apparently "that isnt who he is". he pushes me further. he treats me like this daily.


It is also you doing this to yourself.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Sweetheart, you're doing it all wrong!
> 
> You are showing every sign of having low self esteem. You are acting as if he is more worthwhile than you. Stop all the gifts at once. Stop trying to please him - it's not working. Be the woman of mystery. Let him try to guess what's going on in your head.
> 
> ...


yeah... i know. i know i have to love myself. but how can i be mysterious? i cant drive. i dont have my own car and nothing happens at home all day every day. how do i possible hide whats in my head when the only thing in my head is him? so what should i do? you really think he despises me?
should i stop doing nice things for him? like.... maybe not make dinner and tell him i was too busy? act like i dont care about his day when he tells me? not tell him that today our son who is 11 months old got into the bleach and i had to call poison control but he is okay? act like im not in the mood next time? sink as low as him? where is the line? what do you suggest? i like your advise. i dont want to divorce or have another guy in my life though.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> how do i possible hide whats in my head when *the only thing in my head is him*? so what should i do?


You need to get him out of your head. It is a form of worship. It does not suit you. If you stop the gifts, it will make him think. If you stop talking to him so much, he will find you more mysterious.

You don't need a car to become interesting. Get a cheap hobby. Research something on the internet. There are so many ways to expand your mind. That will make you a more interesting person. You have kids. You could read up several different viewpoints on child development, and form your own opinion. You don't need to talk to him about these things.

If your arm muscle was pulled, you don't sound fit. So you can work on building the best body you can. Find out about nutrition. It's all on the internet. It's so easy these days 




defeated said:


> you really think he despises me?


Yes, the eye rolling is a dead give-away. He thinks you are beneath him. AND SO DO YOU. The question is, what are you going to do about it?


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

i never thought of it as worshiping. i got so sick of do it yourself marriage books because all they teach (the ones i read) was how to be a better wife. i do feel beneath him cause i do always seek his approval for everything. i wanted to make sure he was happy so i just stopped trying to make myself happy and if he didnt like my hobby i gave up. 

and by the way i may not be fit but im thin and super hot! i just pulled my muscle trying to do pilates 3 weeks postpartom last year. lifting kids everyday just makes it worse.

i felt like crap yesterday after you wrote me that advise. i was waiting and waiting for john to get home or call. i called my best friend and told her my plan. when he called to say he was on his way home i ignored it. and he called the house and i ignored it. he called my cell again and i put my friend on hold and answered and tried to not sound desperate (like i always do). and he seemed angry about my new attitude. then he said that he was going to so a certain place i had asked him to go for me but i said "no. come home. im going with you. im hungry and i dont feel like making dinner. then we are going to go to the movies cause im really bored here with the kids alone." no questions. so he (sarcastically and angrily) "okay! love ya!"

after that i hoverd near the garage and tried to not do that. i kept busy while i waited. i thought he went without me on my arrand. he came home and i didnt hurry to him. he was so lost with me. he had no clue why i was so different. i didnt tell him about my day. when he told me he was in a bad mood cause he had a long day i didnt ask about it either. i just said i was sorry and acted like i wouldnt be botherd by it. like it was his problem. i wasnt rude though. then we left and i burned a cd of stuff i like and didnt ask him what he waned to hear. i put it in a t the volume i wanted. i didnt try to please him. i tried to please me. at the movies....

he finally enjoyed something around me. he enjoyed the kids. he even had dressed nice. he touched my leg! he tried to see what I wanted before he paid for our drinks. I bought the ticket without him and didnt ask what he wanted.

when we got home he had turned 180 degrees from the last few months. he looked in my eyes. tried to kiss me and forced me to cuddle with him and said we dont get close enough anymore. he asked me about my favorite things. and in the morning i thought he would be the same as he used to. didnt want to act desperate thouh so i acted like last night. and so did he. 

i just hope this isnt a dream. i want it to stay like that again. its exhausting tyring to be myself and not just "johns wife". 

thank you so much. i dont think he hates me anymore


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## Sarai (Nov 7, 2009)

read about how he should be to you... 
and expect it.. and believe you are worth it.

Thank You MarkTwain.. this has helped me too with my husband... or soon to be ex-husband.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

what do you mean? how could it have helped you with your soon to be ex husband? if it helped shouldnt it mend it enough to fix the soon to be ex part??


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Dear Defeated:

I hate these words, defeated is no way to start.

You need something for yourself.

I can't tell you what that is but, you need something for yourself that will ignite your passions in life.

I have four daughters, all of which are very accomplished and need no man to complete them.

I know this because each has show no interest in guys other than best friends.

Sure they date, but they are much more interested in where they can go in life rather than what a dude can do for them.

The way to self-esteem as stated earlier is to have skills.

Have monster skills at something that stirs your insides.

Pick something, go after it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

defeated said:


> i just hope this isnt a dream. i want it to stay like that again. its exhausting tyring to be myself and not just "johns wife".


If something works, do it even harder 

By being "yourself" and not his puppet, you suddenly became interesting.


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

well these last few days since i posted have been a complete difference. he got upset at first, and made comments like "what?! you sond like me!!" when i wouldnt get upset at him for not liking my food and saying "well next time you can make it." or "oh" instead of "what? you really dont like it? i tried so hard! i thought you loved it! why dont you like it? what do you want me to fix? i never complain about yours!!"

i just stopped seeking his approval and as marktwain said "needing him to validate me." i just started taking care of myself. stopped trying so hard and sometimes i dont feel like i have as much self esteem as i let on towards john, but i am not about to stop now. i feel like i can let go of my depression (which i wasnt even sure untill now that i had it) and be happy for myself. 

the reason i think it helped in our case is cause it seems that he could sence my sadness and desperation in all that i did for him and he felt like he wasnt able to make me happy becasue of it. now that i am trying not to need him to make me happy i think its a load off for him. i think hes happy. i think he feels that everything isnt always his fault and that i just hadnt been happy with anything-especially myself. 

if he doesnt complement me, i dont care. if he doesnt sit to watch tv with me- i dont follow him around the house. i dont come running to him every second. i dont share every thjought with him any more and i feel like i can help mysef now. 

our life has been so much better. every night is a new happy night with him. we have been more happy than i can remember since we were dating... probably since i was my own person back then.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

The solution was really very simple. Men want a partner in life, not a slave woman that has no interests of her own. Make a list of "to-do" things you want to achieve in life and go for it. Start with driving a car - maybe he can teach you during weekends? When the kids go to school it will come useful - and you might do a part-time job and have your own car then. Just be yourself with him, don't be a slave. I think he wants an equal partner, not a submissive wife. I am glad things are getting better (Mark surely gives good advice).


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## defeated (Nov 5, 2009)

so do you... your right. 

now i have another problem though. i feel worse than ever. i have to start a new post. i hate flipping pages


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## Sarai (Nov 7, 2009)

:iagree:
*
You need to get him out of your head.* It is a form of worship. It does not suit you. If you stop the gifts, it will make him think. If you stop talking to him so much, he will find you more mysterious.

this is sooooo true.. the more you magnify him.. the more bigger he gets in his mind.. and you smaller.. or insignificant, 
the more you play hard to get.. at least his attention.. and what not.. the more he will wonder how come you are not after him like a bee on honey
I actually do this to my hubby and it works.. 
if I go days without texting him... he really wonders how come I don't, and its all because when something is bogging me.. I will bug him about it.. until i get an answer or really just bug the crap out of him, which really bugs him, but when I don't bug him, he misses me going after him, I don't know. but it works on guys. 
:iagree:

and I said soon to be ex husband is because if he doesn't get it. I refuse to live this way, the problem with my husband is that he is very controlling, and maybe I am wrong, but he must have grown with a very critical mother, hard to please, so he is that way, so having to brake him out of this, feels like like I have to play my last card all the time. 

I have never been married, and I have never even lived with a man ever before, so I am sure I am full of tricks too, I am sure I am a handful to him too.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Be a woman of mystery comments to me are saying to learn to play games, head games to be exact.
You should be who you are... not create a character. 

I feel your in a situation right now with small kids and otherwise stuck in many ways, although you can begin to plan things to do to expand your social and economic worlds as soon as you are able, perhaps when the kids start school.
You can always take an online class or explore what interests you have as to what type of work you would like to do when your able.
You can also start to begin a small social circle with other stay at home mothers with small kids, go on playdates with other mothers with small kids, go to church to meet others in your situation so you don't feel so isolated.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

Defeated, 

MT is right on and you are wise for heeding his advise. From the man's perspective...my wife was a stay at home mom for 17 of our 22 married years. In the beginning I don't think I was like your husband but somewhere after the 1st two kids I became a bit like him and put my wife and our marriage through hell for too many years. Finally I guess my wife said enough and decided to push me away a bit, she then found her own hobbies, and within recent years went back to college and started a career. Fortunately her commitment to our vows kept her from considering divorce or cheating (as I probably deserved). When she started focusing on herself, she became more interesting.....then impossible for me to resist. I then found myself wanting, needing more from her and having to woo her back..... 

Keep following MT's advice I am proof it works.


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## LizGirl (Sep 8, 2009)

You totally reminded me of myself! I have been married for over 5 years now..have been working very hard to be a good mom for my kids and a loving wife for my husband. I frequently get compliments from friends for looking young..but somehow my husband didn't seem to be that much into me for the past couple of years. I tried many different things that failed, surprise gifts, cook his favorite food, sexy things at bed time..eveything..until a few months ago, a friend recommended some tips..it seems to have lit the 'fire' in our relationship...I am enjoying every day of it and he is a totally changed man....check out the tips here..take care!
Fire Up Your Relationship


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