# Finding out husband cheated while we were dating



## AlissaS (Oct 15, 2020)

Sorry, this is a very long post.

My husband and i have been together for 6 years (married for 1) and 4 days ago came clean (on his own, i had absolutely no idea) that he had cheated 3 times while we were dating. The third time being the only time he had sex with a girl and he was taken advantage of when he was passed out from getting too drunk in costa rica. He says when he became conscious and realized what was happening he immediately pushed her off and left. I do believe that this was the case. 

The first time was within a month of us dating and he had made out with a girl outside of a bar. This doesn’t bug me too much.

The second time is the one that bothers me the most. A year and a half in to our relationship (we were living with eachother) He went to a concert with his friends and met a girl. The plan was to pick him up after i got off work but when i called, he ignored my phone calls so that he could go to a bar with his friends...and this girl. He ended up shutting the bar down with this girl and they decided to walk to a friends house. Over the course of the walk he started touching her inappropriately and they made out...several times on the walk. He admitted to fingering her as well. He said at one point in the walk he realized what he was doing was extremely wrong and that he wanted me, not her. He said at that point he didn’t try anything else and when they got to the house he went right to the couch and passed out. The next day i picked him up (thinking nothing of it) and went on to have 2 children and a happy marriage.

Finding out this information was completely shocking. I’ve felt betrayed, self conscious, worthless, stupid, sad, mad, you name it! I keep playing their night over and over in my head and even though this happened 5 years ago, i feel as though it just happened. I want to keep moving forward because we have such a beautiful family and relationship and he is truly deeply sorry. But i can’t help but to see him as a different man and to look at our past as a lie. I’ve never had tolerance for cheaters but this information is 5 years old and we’re married with children now. 

What are some tips for moving on? Anything helps.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here. I'm going to say some things you won't like, but I hope you listen.

Your H probably slept with Girl #2 and he had voluntary sex with Girl #3.

I am suspicious as to why he would suddenly break this news to you. My guess is that someone was about to tattle on him. So he's managing the message. It is EXTREMELY rare that someone volunteers the total truth voluntarily. They typically engage in Trickle Truth - giving you just what they think they can get away with.

I would ask him why he confessed and watch his answer closely.


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## Tiredandconfused92 (Oct 11, 2020)

He sucks for telling you this years later. No, I don’t think this is something to divorce over, but he should have swallowed his guilt and saved you the pain.

I would be on high alert for strange behavior though. Maybe he reconnected with one of them? Mind blowing though. He is an idiot.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It feels like this just happened because, in your world, it _did_ just happen.

Why did your husband confess? People rarely confess without reason. Chances are someone from his past threatened to tell you, or a friend/witness threatened to tell you. There is a very good chance, almost 100%, that you don't have the full story. Cheaters lie, all of them.

Personally, I don't believe his "taken advantage of" story. Sorry but his history makes that hard to believe. I think there is more to his story and you need to find out what it is so that you can deal with it.

As for moving on, you need to deal with this betrayal. It cannot be swept under the rug with the excuse of "it happened a long time ago, we're happy now". Find a marriage counselor.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Also he needs to accept that certain things can no longer happen, like drinking. He's proven that he can't act responsibly while drunk so he no longer gets to go out and get drunk. If he's unwilling to do things like that then he really doesn't care about you or the marriage.

You should both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It will show both of you what he should be doing.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Also, be prepared for one of two behaviors from him. 1) he shows total remorse, goes into depression. 2) he gets annoyed that you just can't seem to "let it go". 

#2 of course is something you should NEVER do. Not without majorly processing it. There is a long, long grieving process that infidelity requires. You can't sweep this under the rug. On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from this kind of information. And that's with work.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Like other posters have already said there’s a reason he’s telling you now and I find it very hard to believe that it’s a guilty conscience. He’s worried that someone is going to spill the beans and he’s in damage control mode. 
And even if it is a guilty conscience, he’s still a selfish prick. He gets to ease his mind while you are thrown into turmoil. 
He has all the excuses but unfortunately they are bs. He’s just a common cheat, there’s nothing special about him, nothing at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s in the past for him but it’s in the present for you. Reconciling after infidelity generally takes several years, at best, and sometimes it isn’t possible no matter how much work goes into it. Mind movies are common and those also can go on for years. He will have to put in the time and energy and effort necessary for you to trust him again. And no alcohol since he’s shown he can’t handle it. There’s nothing easy about reconciling and he needs to understand that. Hopefully he’s grateful enough for getting a second chance that he never complains about all it will take to rebuild your marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The fact that it happened three times is a major red flag and he married you under false pretenses. He should have told you then. There is a pattern here and it's likely it will happen again sadly. He has shown you that he can't be trusted.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is more to this unfolding "admission". Steel yourself for more pain.

BTW, get tested for STIs and consult with a lawyer. You need to know your physical health and your life options.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AlissaS said:


> Sorry, this is a very long post.
> 
> My husband and i have been together for 6 years (married for 1) and 4 days ago came clean (on his own, i had absolutely no idea) that he had cheated 3 times while we were dating. The third time being the only time he had sex with a girl and he was taken advantage of when he was passed out from getting too drunk in costa rica. He says when he became conscious and realized what was happening he immediately pushed her off and left. I do believe that this was the case.
> 
> ...


Don't trust that you know it all.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

AlissaS said:


> A year and a half in to our relationship (*we were living with each other*) He went to a concert with his friends and met a girl. The plan was to pick him up after i got off work but when i called, *he ignored my phone calls* so that he could go to a bar with his friends...*and this girl*. He ended up shutting the bar down with this girl and they decided to walk to a friends house. Over the course of the walk he started touching her inappropriately and they made out. What are some tips for moving on? Anything helps.


I sense you are rushing to make it all be good again. Don't. Let's spend some time considering what happened, and the truth.

Bright side (maybe): He confessed. That is good. You would be blissfully ignorant except he came clean. Maybe not so good if he did confess preemptively because he thought a possiblility you might find out. That happens, in my experience, about half the time when there is an unsolicited confession.

Let's look at the confession about which you are bothered most. Let me preface, even in confession, most cheaters minimize, if not lie. The story you posted doesn't make sense. You mention this one night where he was there and she was there and he made out with her, and that's about it. But you don't connect the dots, he didn't respond to you. This seems a plan "I am going to meet this woman in a bar, and therefore I am going to go silent on my live-in girlfriend." Maybe you have connected the dots, but I don't see where you did. IE, it was premeditated. Then, how does the premeditation even makes sense if he had not been in contact with her a number of times previously. Then, he made out and went round and round with her a few times that night ... are we to believe that it ended there, she never contacted him, he never contacted her, and the mutual interactions which happened several times that night, were so bad, or not good enough, that they never contacted each other again after that.

Let's now go to the present time. He confessed when he didn't have to. He married you. He had a child with you. Apparently you are relatively happy with him as a husand and a father. He continues to be that. But he confesses a story that makes no sense.

First, let's get the truth. Ask him to write down his story, then ask if he will be willing to take a polygraph. Get it all out, deal with the truth, do not have any continuing doubts that keep bothering you.

How do you get past it, feel better moving forward. You have to reach a point that you believe that he is a fallible human being who made a bad decision, he lied to benefit himself in order not to hurt his relationship with you, which he wanted (positive that he wanted you), and you married him under false pretenses. You want to feel that you would have married him anyway and you can forgive him his bad choices. That comes from his behavior, consistently, over time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry for what you are going through, but this is telling you a lot about his character. It increases the risk of him cheating in the marriage when he drinks or is bored, under pressure etc.
it is also very strange why he came clean now, there is more to this story. Are you. Lose to his friends, family. Maybe someone is going to spill the beans or he has cheTed in the marriage but is telling you this to alleviate his guilt thinking if it’s from before you married it will soften the blow. Don’t believe everything he tells you, he is doing damage control. 
i suggest you insist on a polygraph, see his reaction, say you cannot move on in the marriage without it.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Did you ask why he suddenly decided to tell you now? That smells to me. He got away with it and has no conscious or else he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. So why bring it up now?

And hopefully you know when he says the girl forced herself on him, he’s lying. And he had sex with her...willingly.

My immediate concern would be that he cheats again. Sorry, but he will do it again. It’s just a matter of when. He doesn’t respect or value you. I would insist he go to counseling.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is a habit.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

What did he do, have a crush on this girl and see an opportunity and seize it but then change his mind about her because he moved things along so fast and she allowed him to? I don't really buy that he just suddenly got a conscience while he was fingering her.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Your first priority should be getting tested for STD’s now. And he should be willing to do so. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

“Moving on” - that’s otherwise known as rugsweeping. Don’t do it or you’ll end up back here in a few years.

your goal should be to get out of infidelity and not get mired in the muck of limbo.

If you’re not careful you will get stuck in limbo in a half life marriage.

one thing to keep in mind is that your husband could not be faithful to you even for a short time while dating, so what confidence can you repose in his faithfulness during the marriage?

He's also a proven liar who has deceived you for years, so you can take almost nothing he has to say at face value.

since this shock is new to you, treat it as if you just found out he’s actively cheating on you (bc your brain doesn’t know the difference).

that means:

1. See an attorney so you understand what divorce looks like in your state. I’m not telling to divorce, I’m telling you to understand the process.

2. Invoke at a minimum an in home separation or ask him to move out for a month. implement what is called “the 180” on him.

3. VAR him in his car. If you need pointers on setting up a VAR ask here.

4. Tell his immediate family - his parents and siblings - about this revelation. Not to be vindictive but to prevent a false narrative about why your marriage is troubled. They will circle the wagons around him and may even start blaming you or tell you are overreacting (you're not overreacting at all, by the way) -- but at least they won’t be able to be squirrely about the situation. Everyone will have to be radically honest about the situation once the truth is out. 

5. make him give you a detailed written timeline of the cheating, describing where and when and details. Putting it in writing is critical. It should only take him a week. This should be detailed and several pages in length. Make it clear this is his one chance to come clean with you, including any infidelity of any kind during the marriage.

6. sign him up for a polygraph to test the truthfulness of the timeline and to ask whether he’s been unfaithful during After you have read the timeline and has a chance to ask questions, the polygraph will stress test his story. People often get “parking lot confessions” outside the polygraph office.

7. Ask for his phone and use retrieval software to download deleted content. If he balks you’ll know he’s a liar and serial cheater

8. do not accept any sort of minimizing, rugsweeping statements, DARVO, blameshifting or excuses like “I don’t remember” “I don’t know” “it was a mistake” “I’m human” etc. these are a cheaters bag of tricks. Get familiar with them.

9. sign yourself up with individual counseling immediately with a betrayal trauma specialist. Look for this specialty and expertise.

10. drink lots of water, stay away from booze, eat a clean diet and get lots of sleep (get an ambient Rx if you need it).

perhaps most critically do not offer forgiveness or reconciliation now. That may come later. Much later. But only after he demonstrates a tremendous amount of true remorse and perhaps not even then.

you now know the real person you married, not the one you thought you married. That’s never going to change and you can never unknow this. There’s a tendency to reach for quick forgiveness and easy solutions to your pain but this will come back to bite you quickly. There’s only one way and that is through this.

“Moving on” is not an option. Healing can take place but not until you know the whole truth and understand exactly what you’re dealing with.

lastly do not confuse your love or a desire to forgive with reconciliation. They aren’t the same thing. You can as easily forgive and divorce. keep that in mind.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Also get a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. 

Read it yourself and ask him to read it. If he won’t read it, that’s a huge red flag. It’s a very short book and will help you measure him against the yardstick for what a truly remorseful spouse looks like.

For yourself get the book “Cheating in a Nutshell” so you will understand better the storm of righteous and healthy moral emotions and trauma you are experiencing.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Read this article and have your husband read it. It is not hyperbole. It is real. It is what you are feeling and what you will feel. 









SurvivingInfidelity.com - General Forum


Surviving infidelity support forums for those affected by infidelity and cheating




www.survivinginfidelity.com


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Why is he divulging this now???

I agree with the others not to rush into forgiveness and trying to put it behind you. 

In your mind and in your heart this happened Tuesday. Allow yourself time to process this this. It’s ok to feel anger, sadness, disgust etc. 

You may decide you don’t want to continue the relationship. That is the risk he took in hooking up with other chicks.

You may decide you do want to continue the relationship but only after a number of conditions are met such as full confession, counseling, total transparency and uncensored access to his phone and computers etc.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OutofRetirement said:


> I sense you are rushing to make it all be good again. Don't. Let's spend some time considering what happened, and the truth.
> 
> Bright side (maybe): He confessed. That is good. You would be blissfully ignorant except he came clean. Maybe not so good if he did confess preemptively because he thought a possiblility you might find out. That happens, in my experience, about half the time when there is an unsolicited confession.
> 
> ...


Trouble is that he has a made a bad decision at least 3 times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Violet28 said:


> Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three times is a habit.


 👏


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'd ask why is he confessing to this years later?

This is history, dating period, and should just be sunsetted history never brought up.

Unless there's current history of him fooling around that adds to the bad but not horrible ancient history.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Or he has found out he may have a kid out there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Or he has found out he may have a kid out there.


That's possible.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

AlissaS said:


> The third time being the only time he had sex with a girl and he was taken advantage of when he was passed out from getting too drunk in costa rica. He says when he became conscious and realized what was happening he immediately pushed her off and left.


I don't buy this. A passed out female would be easily taken advantage of. He would have to be turned on to have an erection and this requires an erection. Alcohol lowers erection quality. I think it is likely he has reason to believe someone is going to tell on him or he has found out he may have a child in Costa Rica. He needs to stay away from alcohol, bars and socializing in risky situations with mixed genders. He doesn't need to be out with friends at all unless you are there also. It's the only way he will be faithful going forward. I suspect there are more things you don't know


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I don't buy this. A passed out female would be easily taken advantage of. He would have to be turned on to have an erection and this requires an erection. Alcohol lowers erection quality. I think it is likely he has reason to believe someone is going to tell on him or he has found out he may have a child in Costa Rica. He needs to stay away from alcohol, bars and socializing in risky situations with mixed genders. He doesn't need to be out with friends at all unless you are there also. It's the only way he will be faithful going forward. I suspect there are more things you don't know


Meh. IDK about all that. I think this situation is definitely VERY fishy and definitely a cover up for what actually happened. But, men can get erections even if they're not turned on. It's a natural response to certain stimuli. Women (and men) can orgasm during rape. It's an unfortunate phenomenon to the situation that can end up causing a lot of grief to the victim for a long time. I don't think it's what happened in THIS situation, but it can happen.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I don't buy this. A passed out female would be easily taken advantage of. He would have to be turned on to have an erection and this requires an erection. Alcohol lowers erection quality. I think it is likely he has reason to believe someone is going to tell on him or he has found out he may have a child in Costa Rica. He needs to stay away from alcohol, bars and socializing in risky situations with mixed genders. He doesn't need to be out with friends at all unless you are there also. It's the only way he will be faithful going forward. I suspect there are more things you don't know


Have to be turned on?...so you are saying men do not ger erections while asleep?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AlissaS said:


> Sorry, this is a very long post.
> 
> My husband and i have been together for 6 years (married for 1) and 4 days ago came clean (on his own, i had absolutely no idea) that he had cheated 3 times while we were dating. *The third time being the only time he had sex with a girl and he was taken advantage of when he was passed out from getting too drunk in costa rica*. He says when he became conscious and realized what was happening he immediately pushed her off and left.* I do believe that this was the case*.
> 
> ...


As a man who has been married for 49 years, I would like to share a few observations that are not quite what you have been hearing.

First you say you want to move forward because you have such a beautiful family and relationship. Good for you. So you are asking for how you can forgive him so you can move on. That is great and I support your decision. To forgive him you are going to have to change your feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. That is something that will involve you changing your beliefs. Your H can help you move forward down that path. Marriage counseling and reading affair healing books together is probably a good start. Also your doing affirmations of love and forgiveness of him (aka self-hypnosis) is another good thing to do.

The next thing I would suggest is talking to him and setting some firm boundaries regarding his drinking and being alone with other women. It sounds like a bad combination for him. Hopefully fatherhood has caused him to mature and change. You can help him understand that there are many things that have to change with fatherhood and drinking and being alone with other women are part of those changes.

Now the controversial and difficult part. What is cheating in your mind? What was cheating in his mind before marriage? What is cheating now that the two of you are married. As you said it doesn't bother you too much that he made out with another girl. As to fingering someone else before marriage? That was clearly disrespectful of your relationship, but I don't think that is something you should divorce him over? Yes, tell him how much it hurt(s) you and that he must never do anything like that again.

Ok the most recent and hardest one for you to forgive is probably his Costa Rico "adventure." It happened before you were married, but definately while you were in theory a couple. You might want to reflect a little bit more about why he was in Costa Rico and what he was doing with that woman. Costa Rico was known in some circles as a sex tourism location. A place where bachelor parties and last adventures before marriage take place. I have no idea what really happened or why. Was it disrespectful to his hopes for a happy marriage? Absolutely, it was wrong. Is this kind of thing unheard of? Unfortunately there is a lot of bad behavior at formal or informal bachelor parties or stag & hen parties these days. That does not excuse anything, but it does mean that what he did or happened to him was not unheard of. As you work on forgiving him, you might keep that in mind.

Good luck. Please take this opportunities to set some specific boundaries on his drinking and alone time with other women. Make sure he vows his marriage promise of forsaking all other women for you.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have to be turned on?...so you are saying men do not ger erections while asleep?


There is a difference between passed out drunk and asleep. I don't buy it. 

Sent from my SM-G960U1 using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

@AlissaS are you going to come back and let us know what you decided to do?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

unless i am missing something, he has been monogomous with you for 5 years of marriage? right?
and you are concerned about when you were just dating?
get over it, is my advice. enjoy what you have now


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dadto2 said:


> Did you ask why he suddenly decided to tell you now? That smells to me. He got away with it and has no conscious or else he wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. So why bring it up now?
> 
> And hopefully you know when he says the girl forced herself on him, he’s lying. And he had sex with her...willingly.
> 
> My immediate concern would be that he cheats again. Sorry, but he will do it again. It’s just a matter of when. He doesn’t respect or value you. I would insist he go to counseling.


I'm not trying to defend the cheater here but sometimes humans have a conscious.

I never technically cheated but we decided we weren't going to work out about a year into it and decided to split. I went out and got blind drunk and a coworker took me to her home and had me twice before I sobered up enough to leave.

I repaired my relationship with Mrs Conan but didn't tell her about my encounter until years later.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What did he do, have a crush on this girl and see an opportunity and seize it but then change his mind about her because he moved things along so fast and she allowed him to? I don't really buy that he just suddenly got a conscience while he was fingering her.


Actually, that can happened. Been there, done that, or at least something along those lines... But I did confess straight away, so husband does need to state why he felt it necessary to confess now. Also, beware of trickle truth.


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## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> unless i am missing something, he has been monogomous with you for 5 years of marriage? right?
> and you are concerned about when you were just dating?
> get over it, is my advice. enjoy what you have now


He broke a monogamous commitment when they were living together for more than 18 months before they married.

We would never give advice to someone (man or woman) who is engaged or on the verge of being engaged and finds out their partner has cheated that they should just "get over it" and plow forward with the marriage. Typically the advice in those scenarios is "Run. Run Fast."

Had the OP been privy to this information about his lack of faithful commitment when they were living together but not married yet, she may very well have decided he was not a suitable life partner for her. Instead, he withheld this information thus depriving her of agency and being able to make an informed decision about her life.

Now he unburdens himself and essentially has dumped a radioactive dirty bomb on her -- and it is healthy to be skeptical of his motives, especially for those of us who have been through the hell of adultery and can spot the lies and the patterns.

Finding out years later is no different than finding out on the brink of walking down the aisle. The shock and betrayal and trauma are the same, if not worse.

She should not "move on" or "get over it." That's called rugsweeping. It ends in painful limbo.

Confronting it head on and finding out the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth -- and then assessing whether he can develop empathy and be a truly consistent, faithful, remorseful and safe partner -- is the only ethical, authentic way forward.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I would suspect a STD has manifested itself thus the reason for the confession.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This OP hasn't been back since the day she posted this. She isn't reading any of these comments. Pic looks like a stock photo too.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know this thread is pretty much dead but I wanted to add that when it's clear someone has enough trouble with the truth that they lie for 5 years to the primary person in their life, it's very unwise to assume they are telling you the truth from that point forward.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Knowing how people’s minds work:

You have been given good advice that he hasn’t confessed the reason for the confession. There is no way in hell a happily married mAn wouid out of the blue confess to three instances of infidelity without a damn BAD reason.

you are going to learn something really bad pertaining to him having sex with another woman. Expect it. 
Yes, people have a conscience. He’s had years to let this out. To do it now—- I am worried for you. STD’s would be a reason, a kid he didn’t know about, or someone trying to blackmail him....
Who knows. But be 100% sure that three is a reason for the confession and it’s not just his conscience.

once you know the whole truth, then you can choose to forgive.

my own thoughts-

The woman taking advantage of him— total bs. It was consensual.
The woman he ignored you for, made out with and fingered and suddenly got a conscience—- sorry- BS story.
If choosing to ignore your calls, choosing to go to a bar to get in her pants, choosing to kiss and grope her—- I assure you that once he touched that particular location—- that’s the absolute lowest time/probability for a man’s conscience to suddenly overpower him.

my opinion: one or both stories was a distraction, and one of the three stories has a partial truth and you have yet to learn the reason it was told.


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