# Getting fed up



## DamagedGuy (Jun 1, 2017)

I had a long running thread in the infidelity forum and took a break.

My wife is hot and cold, back and forth on separating and working on our marriage. I caught her having a secret friendship with another guy, and had her admit to self-sabotaging our marriage. I recorded this conversation since her support group thinks that she is an innocent princess and that I was going crazy. Yeah, nope. She has had two previous EA's, lied about seeing a man who was already involved with someone else during a brief time of separation, and then the secret friendship and other suspicious behavior and activity.

We are in marriage counseling, and I believe that she has manipulated our MC during her IC sessions, since the MC seems to attack me and my communication, regardless of how I approach situations and subjects. My wife stated in the first session that she wanted us to be friends, and our MC told her that that wasn't likely if we divorce, and now MC is telling me that she needs to work with us to be friends if we do divorce. What the hell? Are we in elementary school? We might as well be in that scenario. I don't want to be friends with a woman who is telling lies and is actively causing me pain as she plans her exit strategy. On the contrary, since I for some insane reason still love her even though she is doing this to me, I would rather stop seeing her at all until that passes.

Wife is desparately trying to get a new job and dump our business on me, without working with me on a contingency plan since I walk with a limp and cannot currently stand continously for hours due to a motorcycle accident. She refuses to talk to our employees to see if they will stay if she leaves. I believe, and told wife and MC as much, that she is going to get the job, save money while stringing me along with MC, and then move out and will be dating another guy within days or weeks.

The other day when she went cold and wanted a separation, I said "Fine. I accept and agree. Let us do that right now. You come off of my checking account, you pay your own bills, your relationship with stepson ends, and we will split custody of our son 50/50, and you cannot see him during my week. We will each stay on our own side of the house and create a schedule where we never have to see or speak to one another unless it concerns our son, until you move out." 

She then cried that she can't afford it, and then said she wanted to work on our marriage. Bull crap. I think that all she cares about is herself right now; my feelings and my the feelings of my sons be damned.

I have had a paradigm shift and am now angry. The MC is insulting my heart and my intelligence, as is my wife. I want to drop the hammer and push for my separation suggestion in order to get the pain over with, and force my wife to face reality. It will take a miracle to save this marriage, and I am ready to walk. I have come to believe that she is emotionally immature, lacking in morals and boundaries, and is a liar.

However, I don't want to look like the vindictive husband to our large circle of mutual friends, and have that affect my ability to rebuild for a better future and eventually pursue a new relationship down the road. We live in a small town surrounded by other small towns, and due the ages of my sons, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I need her fence-sitting, cruel, manipulative, roller-coaster crap to stop affecting me so that I can get on with my life.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

I feel that you already know the answer, my friend. You need to walk. You need to do it as calmly and as fairly as you can, but you need to do it. 

I don't mean to be contentious either, but I know what you mean about therapists etc tending to not see the whole truth. Women are much better than us at that type of thing, communicating hurt etc, and I think it has the (understandable) consequence that counselling benefits them more, while you just sit there thinking "Yeah, you think she's sweet and downtrodden? You really should see her when she's mad". 

Keep your head, and good luck.


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## DamagedGuy (Jun 1, 2017)

Thank you, vauxhall101. 

Well, this morning she knocked on my bedroom door and asked if she could come in and talk for a minute, and I said sure.

She told me that she got the call and that she got the job. She was very happy, and I felt genuinely happy for her. I sat up and we hugged, which she has been avoiding. The way she had been acting was as though she was actively resisting be g in love with me, and I told both her and out MC as much, yesterday. My wife also had said that of her 1st husband fought for her as much as I did, she never would have divorced him. 

We then talked about the new job and how I'm completely taking over our business. I felt renewed purpose. She then said that she knows that we had a bad day yesterday, and that she knows that I think that she is going to bail now that she has a new job, but that she hasn't been happy, yet she isn't going anywhere right now.

She said we don't know what is going to happen with us, but that we (her) should start listenin to our MC. I made sure to try to keep the conversation light and not talk about us and our future, though I said that perhaps she resents me for not bring able to be at our shop due to my leg, and that she has had to be there so much while I got to spend more time with our son. She agreed that that may be a possibility.

She will now have a normal 9-5 type schedule with weekends off, and will get to see our son everyday, and a lot of stress will be eliminated from her plate.

I think we have a lot of work to do of we are to save the marriage. She will be making more money than she has ever made, and many women do not like making more money than their man, though I'm writing books and am going back to school. The business doesn't make enough money, so I'm going to work towards dissolving it and focus on having a writing career. 

I will take things one day at a time, but try to stay in the "if we make it, great, but I'm wiling to walk" mindset. My wife cannot handle large amounts of stress; it makes her want to escape.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

When a person shows you who they are... believe them.

That holds true for counselors as well...

It seems you are not allowing your own truth to take hold. I have never seen a suffering I could trust to make things better, it is removal of that suffering that improves things.

Sometimes the person and the suffering are indistinguishable, sometimes they can be separated... is your love for your wife a memory of the past, or an awareness of the present?

If you file, you can always rescind it should things improve, but it sets a clarity to the "reality" of where suffering begins to become fully addressed for what it is.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

So you are scared to stand up for yourself, respect yourself, and love yourself, because of...optics?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you really care what others think of you, then expose her and file. The truth will set you free, then go find some new friends.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Like I've always said, marriage counseling is never a good option. I think that you should forget about the separation and just divorce her, she's not worth being married to and has caused you too much pain as it is. I've seen many times on TAM where women think it's ok to screw whatever moves outside their marriage and then when they realize their husband is cutting them loose, start crying that they won't have any money to live on. This is where divorce settlements don't make any sense to me. In this situation you should just be able to leave her high and dry. I say she's made her bed, now let her sleep in it. Don't worry about her situation at all, divorce her and let her deal with the mess she created for herself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Fire the ****ing MC. That's your $'s pal.

You are letting her fence sit. Why?

You can't stand up for yourself you'll just get more of what you've been getting.

You married her ass now you have to fight for your marriage because she likes other men.

Good god almighty !!!!!!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Looks like she's being nice until she has the money to leave and you're going to let her stay until she ends it because you hope maybe, just maybe, she really is who you wanted her to be instead of who she has shown you she is.


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## DamagedGuy (Jun 1, 2017)

I agree with all of you. I'm having a hard time letting go, and when I am ready, she plays the I'm-not-saying-I'm-done-we-might-make-it card. And that is okay, because if I play my cards right and she splits, this will not look good for her at all, I stay in the house with our child and my son from a previous relationship.

My wife is in therapy due to her emotional immaturity when it comes to relationships and stress. I told her that I'm taking a risk my agreeing to work on the marriage. She did not have to tell me that she doesn't plan on bailing just because she got a job, because even delaying the idea of it is of no benefit.

It will be known to all that I did what I could and that she bailed and moved out of our son''s house. I will end up with the house if she leaves and we divorce. If I go half-cocked and file, it will tick her off, and could force a sale, and then there will no profit, I will be in a worse position, and my wife with her new job will be able to get any place that she wants. As it stands, even with 50/50 custody & visitation, I will have our son 75% or more of the time because I will have him during her visitation time while she is at work.

Our son is another reason why she is hanging on at all. Plus she is a control freak (she acknowledges this and is addressing it in IC) and can't handle it when I say "Fine, let's separate." 

I'm in no hurry to pursue another relationship at this time, so right now making sure that I come out on top of this.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

What are her family of origin issues?

While you're at it, how about yours?


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## DamagedGuy (Jun 1, 2017)

She was an unplanned pregnancy. Her father told her once that he thought about aborting her with a coat hanger. Her mother was with many men, neglected her, and doted on her special needs brother.

My father was absent a lot, abusive, and an alcoholic / drug addict. I had a great relationship with my mother during the first few years of my life. My mother then doted on my younger sister, became distant with me, and our relationship is strained to this day, but we try to have one.

I read No More Mister Nice Guy, and I can see that I'm a bad ender and do have a few of the traits, though before I read the book and over the years, I have conciously fighting those traits, but failed in some ways. Before my accident, I isolated myself from my wife, such as staying up all night after she went to bed. I am to blame for some of the reasons that our marriage became less than ideal.

We are both working on it. If we split, hopefully it is amicable as we share a son. She bought me coffee and a small gift today. This is actually major for her. We discussed the 5 love languages, and she said that our MC suggested to her in IC that she attempt to do the things she did when she knew she loved me.

When I see our MC on Monday for my IC session, I'm calling her out for being unprofessional and undermining me in front of my wife, tipping the balance of power when I'm trying to level the playing field. 

I do love my wife, though I am not going to allow myself to be tormented forever. I can take it for now. I'm working on the marriage, yet I'm making sure that I don't lose our house or my a*'s if we split. It is like an emotional game of chess. It sucks, but it is necessary. Done correctly, on stays in the house he knows as home, and our son we have together stays in the birth home for the majority of the time.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

DamagedGuy said:


> She was an unplanned pregnancy. Her father told her once that he thought about aborting her with a coat hanger. Her mother was with many men, neglected her, and doted on her special needs brother.
> 
> My father was absent a lot, abusive, and an alcoholic / drug addict. I had a great relationship with my mother during the first few years of my life. My mother then doted on my younger sister, became distant with me, and our relationship is strained to this day, but we try to have one.
> 
> ...


Have you considered firing your copay collector of a counselor?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think you've lowered the bar with your wife's treatment of you so low, that if she just says ''hello'' that seems like she's trying.  She doesn't care about you, she cares about having to take care of herself without you. That's not the same as caring about you. When you told her what reality would look like on her own, she panicked and said she wants to work on the marriage. She panicked not over losing you, but rather losing the lifestyle she has with you.

I think you know what to do, but you have convinced yourself that tons of drama and emotional lows are what love should look like. I'm sorry you're here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you've lowered the bar with your wife's treatment of you so low, that if she just says ''hello'' that seems like she's trying.  She doesn't care about you, she cares about having to take care of herself without you. That's not the same as caring about you. When you told her what reality would look like on her own, she panicked and said she wants to work on the marriage. She panicked not over losing you, but rather losing the lifestyle she has with you.
> 
> I think you know what to do, but you have convinced yourself that tons of drama and emotional lows are what love should look like. I'm sorry you're here.


Great gals view. At this time you are your own worst enemy. Wake up!!!!


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## DamagedGuy (Jun 1, 2017)

I resumed my thread over athe Coping with Infidelity. It has been revealed that she, at the very least, had a one night stand. She said that she felt horrible and told the guy that it was a mistake. However, when I asked her if it was such a mistake, why did you start hanging out and kissing ( at the very least, yeah right ) another man?

"I don't know..."

Right, she doesn't know anything. I met with one attorney, and have an appointment with another for more opinions. I calculated spiral maintenance, though I'm not sure what it will end up being on the end, and I'm going to file.

She has lied easily to my face, the counselor, and others. She cavorted with more than one man. She shows no remorse and tries to delay any action. She is broken and hollow and will never be satisfied.

I don't want her to be my problem anymore. She wants to fight over the house, but she doesn't realize that I have equity in the house. The divorce is going to suck.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

DamagedGuy said:


> I resumed my thread over athe Coping with Infidelity. It has been revealed that she, at the very least, had a one night stand. She said that she felt horrible and told the guy that it was a mistake. However, when I asked her if it was such a mistake, why did you start hanging out and kissing ( at the very least, yeah right ) another man?
> 
> "I don't know..."
> 
> ...


Have you exposed her behavior to anyone?


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

As a psychologist myself,
I am appalled at what you have said about your MC!
She appears to have taken a side, and that is NEVER ok.

As for your wife, she sounds very insecure and immature. Perhaps she genuinely believes she wants to leave one moment, and stay the next?

The way you are being treated is not okay and I am angry in your behalf x


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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