# Only has sex with porn



## kimberly (Apr 8, 2009)

my husband is constantly online with prons says hes not attracted to me and has to have porn on to have sex and says is i ban him from porn online hell move out what do i do


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ban him from the porn, he moves out. you get the house and your child back and get a life back.

ok sounds hard maybe. but this is your life for the rest of it, as long as your with him.
i just think your wasting your life away on a waster and thats a sad existence, when there is someone out there that wil love you for you.


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## kimberly (Apr 8, 2009)

i think hes my soul mate ive been with him since i was seventeen i want him to fall in love with me again. how do i get his attention talk to someone else to make him jelous what should i do


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

from 17, it could also a habit that you know.
my suggestion, make some space and see what happens then.
but if you were his soulmate, he wouldnt be treating you as he does.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Kimberly, I say this from experience. If you let him use a threat of leaving as leverage, you'll give up control of the relationship completely. Today it's "I'm not giving up porn, or I'm leaving". What will it be tomorrow?

Think about this...if he is saying that porn is more important than you, do you really want him? A soul mate would never do that to you. You met this guy when you were still a kid. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who would resonate with you, and who know how to treat you right.

But if you really want to try to change him....

You could try counseling, if he'll go.

This is a little personal, but how do you feel about your sexuality? Do you express yourself easily? If so, maybe intercept him on the way to the computer, to "show him what he's missing", and give him a show. I don't mean porn, but a striptease, or lapdance. Seductive, but not raunchy.

Or...when he is not home, film a little home video. Again, not raunchy but sexy. Then sit him down to watch it. (Careful though if he can make copies...you don't want a future post to be "my husband send videos of me to a porn site"!)

The idea is instead of approaching it as "turn off the porn", instead show him that what he has right in front of him is better.

Under no circumstances should you flirt with someone to try to get him jealous! That isn't fair to you. It isn't fair to the poor guy you flirt with. It isn't respectful to your marriage, and it will only explode into a nuclear fire of accusations of infidelity.

If he really digs in his heels on this. You have to ask yourself....is how you're living now the way you want to live? If he won't change, it's how you will be living for a long, long time.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

down and justean are right, he needs to give up porn and get back with you.

Porn can be "ok" in some marriages when used together. I don't think porn can be a good thing when used "solo" by either party.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

kimberly said:


> i think hes my soul mate ive been with him since i was seventeen i want him to fall in love with me again. how do i get his attention talk to someone else to make him jelous what should i do


"Soul mates" are just a theory.
Back in reality land, he is abusing you by saying he can only get turned on enough to have sex with you if he watches porn. Do you actually need him?

Your self esteem is through the floor. Fix that first.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Kimberley i met my husband when i was 13 hes been my only partner ..If he ever said he could only make love to me whilst watch porn , i couldnt be held responsible for my actions !! You know deep down that your worth more then that you deserve so much more , the act of making love /sex between you and your Husband should be intimate creating a togetherness.

Id ask him to move out to give you space to think about what you are getting from your relationship !! Work on feeling better yourself you deserve so much more .


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ah im sorry kimberly, ive been there, too. as you can see you are not alone. a lot of women have to deal with this nonsense. 

i considered my H my soulmate, too, so when i found out his addiction to porn i was devastated. i couldnt believe this was happening. i tried to change him for awhile, too. but after the pain continues for awhile you will get so depressed you'll have to make a decision; your soulmate or your happiness. 

So after you try everything under the sun to get him to change, and you realize you cant change him and you are completely depressed, miserable, and obsessed with him, just remember, you can always make yourself happy. You have to start realizing your happiness resides within yourself, and not with him. It is in trying to change him that you are making yourself miserable, remember that, because one day you will want to be happy again.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

Its the computer or you.


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## JasonL115 (Apr 27, 2009)

kimberly said:


> my husband is constantly online with prons says hes not attracted to me and has to have porn on to have sex and says is i ban him from porn online hell move out what do i do


Usually, heavy porn use is a symptom of a deeper psychological problem, especially if a man prefers it to partner sex. For men who use it to enhance lovemaking with a partner it is used as a distraction because something about the lovemaking experience is causing him to suffer from lower than normal sexual desire.

He may very well see it as the only way he can sexually function with you. For men who experience sexual dysfunction such as erectile or orgasm difficulties, many Sex Therapists suggest using porn to bypass the sexual anxiety that is usually at the root of many problems of desire and sexual functioning.

If the choice is sex with porn running on the TV or no sex at all, then the way to deal with this is to think carefully what about porn, and what it is exactly about using it while having sex, that bothers you.

Write a list of the things (do it here if you want) and go through it point by point. Often a woman's reaction to a situation like this is based on raw and unexamined emotion. In Sex therapy you would be asked to take a step back while you discuss the items on the list and try to see if the emotions caused by this are really valid. Look at the things that are bothering you coldly and unemotionally and put them to a truth test. You might be surprised at how many things you end up crossing off the list as really unfounded worries. 

There is a very real chance that something about lovemaking in general is making him nervous and this may be effecting his ability to function sexually. So he is attempting to do the right thing by not turning away from having sex with you at all. Instead, he is using the distraction of porn to take his mind off the anxiety in order to make the sex less stressful.

If this is the case then rather than reacting to what he is doing you should find out why he is doing it. Perhaps, after you do the list and think about each point carefully, you might find it in your heart to try and participate in lovemaking under these circumstances knowing he is doing his best to have a functional sex life with you.

Getting angry about this and threatening him with dire consequences will do nothing to improve your sex life and may very well end it completely, along with your marriage.


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

I know this is gonna sound harsh, but I'd pack his bags for him and send him on his way. He bluntly told you that the only way he can have sex is to be turned on by someone else. Thats not love, and it sure as hell isnt being a soul mate. If my wife told me that, there is no way I could be with her sexually ever again. I'm no marriage councellor or anything but I agree with Justean. There's other men out there, good men, who will love you and only you. You deserve that. I believe once you fix your self esteem (like someone else suggested), the rest will fix itself. In other words, you'll realize you deserve to be happy and you'll take the neccisary steps to get that happiness... even if it involves putting him on the road.

Pornography has no place in a marriage. Just my opinion.


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## justgluit (Dec 5, 2009)

Hi. Form reading your thread it is my opinion that your husband has developed an addiction to porn. First of all, you should understand that it is not your fault. The failure is not in you , his addiction comes from within him. Secondly, it is also my opinion that you cannot nor should not feel that you have to compete with porn for your husband's affection. You are a self-respecting, real woman. For this reason you can never be enough to satisfy him (at least in his mind) because his desires have become unrealistic and misplaced. I think that he has to realize that *he has the problem, develope a take-charge attitude and fight his addiction. May God help him and you as you deal with this terrible problem.:smthumbup:*


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

kimberly said:


> my husband is constantly online with prons says hes not attracted to me and has to have porn on to have sex and says is i ban him from porn online hell move out what do i do


why not add porn to your lovemaking routine? watch it together.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

If you are still reading this (since your original post is from a whiel ago), I am in a similar situation. My husband wont tell me why he doesnt want to have sex with me, but that us viewing porn together to have sex is his way of "getting his sex back". Apparently, there is something getting in the way of him being able to get turned on by just me, and this was his solution. It works in that he has been having sex with me more often. The first weekend we bought the movies, he was all over me several times. 

Marriages are not perfect, and not what we think they will be when we say "I do", so maybe he is going through something that he cannot discuss or doesnt really understand what the struggle is behind why he cant without the porn. Maybe he knows why he cant without the porn, and is choosing this route to keep you 2 in the game. Try embracing it for a little while, give yourself a timeframe of a few months or maybe up to a year, to see if being positive about it helps him get back into you without the porn.

I was put off by the idea at first, and still dont understand why its needed in my own marriage, but I bite my tongue and go with it to help him help himself out of the sexual rut and aversion to having sex with just me. Last night there came a point when he said he didnt really need the video as he was enjoying me, whic is the first time I have heard that since we started this about 2 weeks ago.

I think we have to get over our ideal expectations about our marriage sometimes, to get over the inevitable road blocks that come. I thought, for example, you get married and have sex when you want and when your partner wants... both get a turn. I have had enough refusals (and humiliation when I tried a french maid outfit) that I dont ask anymore, I will always get a no, and that will not change, I cant change who he is. So if the only way to have sex with my husband is for him to watch porn while we are doing it, than that is the reality. You being in the same situation, have to decide if you can accept that reality, and/or for how long. If it continues beyond a few months, then you may need to re-evaluate if this is something he will always need and if you will be ok with that if it is a forever thing and not just a temporary bandage.

Good luck with this.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Is there something in particular in porn that he likes that you haven't done that you'd be willing to do?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

kimberly said:


> my husband is constantly online with prons says hes not attracted to me and has to have porn on to have sex and says is i ban him from porn online hell move out what do i do


With so many sexless marriages out there you have to give him credit for at least trying to have sex with you. So what if he needs porn? All it does is help him reach a level of desire high enough to both get an erection and ejaculate. Without it there would probably be no partner sex at all because he may have trouble performing. The important thing is he is physically there with you.

Many sex therapists suggest couples where the guy has low desire for his partner to use porn to help things along and it works well.

Many men with low desire for their wives just end up having a preference for porn and masturbation exclusively and give up on partner sex completely. So as I said at least he's trying.

One reason married men (who want to stay married) do this is that they need sexual variety to get aroused and porn gives them this. It is quite common in long term marriages.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

artieb said:


> Is there something in particular in porn that he likes that you haven't done that you'd be willing to do?


As I mentioned it is probably the variety of sex acts and (fantasy) sexual partners which attracts him (and most porn fans) rather than any given sex act.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Mr B said:


> As I mentioned it is probably the variety of sex acts and (fantasy) sexual partners which attracts him (and most porn fans) rather than any given sex act.


Yeah, that's probably true. It seems to me that the complaints one might have about their sex life include quality, variety, and frequency.

The question about what sort of porn he likes goes to the variety issue. If it turns out he really likes bj videos, that might be a useful hint about which way his wife might go. Or, if she sees five or six things in porn that she'd be willing to do that they've never done, that might also be useful information.


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