# Online-cheated on my husband



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I online-cheated on my husband from 7/2007 until he found out in 4/2008. I contacted someone I've had contact with before I got married and have been emailing/chatting/sending inappropriate photo. I didn't feel anything for the person I cheated with but I wanted the attention because it made me feel good about myself. I have "Daddy-Issues". There was also another sort of relationship with someone (also online), which I regarded as a mentor/father type figure and for which I, at some point, thought I had romantic feelings for.

When my husband found out, he went into a steep downward spiral, my entire family did (1 daughter, 2 dogs, 4 cats). I never stopped loving my husband. I stopped any contact with the person I cheated with immediately and haven't been in contact ever since. I told my husband everything I could think of about the affair. He also asked questions, which I answered but not to his satisfaction. Example: he asked how long it had been going on but didn't believe me when I told him and says I have therefore not been forthcoming. My husband became Sherlock Holmes. He bugged my computer to see what I was doing, which was fine with me because I understood he needed assurance that nothing was going on anymore. 
I did not tell my husband about the mentor/father figure because it didn't occur to me as an affair because my romantic feelings were only temporarily, non-substantial (in my opinion), and it was a long time ago. My husband felt that there had to be more, that's when I told him about the mentor/father figure. He sees this as having been lied to. 

Fast forward 3 years. My husband believes I'm not telling him the truth. He says he read a letter to the mentor/father figure mentioning someone named Terry. I did write that letter thanking him for listening to me, giving me advice and encouraging me career-wise. I also thanked his wife who had been giving me recipes here and there. I don't know anyone by the name Terry and I know I didn't write anything about "Terry". My husband says I did. Despite the fact that he has records about everything I have done on my computer (posts, emails, letters, chats, photos), he says he has no copy of this letter. I've been asked a million times who Terry is and I can't answer it. I've gone as far as making up a story about Terry, saying that I slept with Terry. When I couldn't provide any proof of Terry, my husband knew I had lied, which I admitted. I know, stupid thing!
We have just finished marriage counseling, (5 sessions, I believe) and it basically boils down to me not knowing how Terry is and my husband demanding I tell him who Terry is. Our therapist asked me husband if he would be able to start over and forgive me for what I have done, including the things he believes I'm lying about. He said "no way in hell". The therapist then asked me if I would be willing to live in a loveless marriage. My husband wants to stay married for the sake of our daugther. There is no sign of affection towards me, he doesn't not want to make love to me. He says he loves me and always will but it seems it's not the kind of love I'm looking for or the kind of love I need. My husband is my life. He is the sexiest man alive, he is the kindest man alive. I want to grow old with him. He means everything to me.

I feel that my husband enjoys pressuring me about Terry. He enjoys it when I can't answer the question. He seems satisfied when I end up being frustrated over not knowing who Terry is. I believe this is his way of punishing me. I also believe that he is using "Terry" to prevent himself from forgiving me.

That's my story. I'm sorry if I rambled on. I don't have anyone to talk to (my best friend is my husband) and guess I just had the need to talk. Any advise is welcomed.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Nobody willing to reply?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You don't really have a question.

It's possible that your husband saw something about Terry and is now fixated on solving the mystery. It's also possible that he imagined it, or simply made it up as something to punish you with.

I know that you are being truthful with your husband now, but you're like the boy who cried wolf. Before the affair, your husband would have trusted you and been satisfied with your answers. After the affair, there is no foundation of trust. He can't trust you anymore. And every time you change your story, you're right back at square one on whether you're being truthful or not.

Your position isn't that rare. It's not uncommon for disloyal spouses to lie about the affair, slowly reveal the truth of the affair, and then when they have finally admitted everything and are being truthful, become confused as to why the loyal spouse can't trust them.

Recovery from an affair can take up to five years. But if you haven't even seen any progress in 3.5 years, then it may be time to throw in the towel. You had a good thing, but you blew it up. Next time, don't sext other men.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe Terry is someone you husband knows. Turn it around and ask him who Terry is since he's the one who brought the name out. Maybe you should be checking on him.

Tell him that until he provides proof that a Terry exits he needs to drop it. You don't know a Terry.

When a person hangs on to something like Terry they are gaining soemthing from it. It sounds like 'Terry' gives your husband power over you. He can beat you up verbally and get away with it. He has to drop it. I think Terry represents all the things your husband does not know about what you did.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

We have made some progress in 3.5 years. It's small but it's there. In the beginning he said he doesn't trust me at all. In a recent session with the therapist he said he doesn't trust me completely. That's a big difference to me and it gave me a bunch of hope. He also said that he knows there wasn't any physical contact with OM, whereas before he insisted that there was. He has acknowledged that I go out of my way to be transparent in everything I do (I let him know where I go, when I'll be back and what I'm doing there. My job requires me to drive several hours each day). 
I guess my question is: Is my husband going to leave me and what can I do to make him stay?
Funny thing is, I think I already know the answer.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> My husband is my life. He is the sexiest man alive, he is the kindest man alive. I want to grow old with him. He means everything to me.
> .


I'm assuming that this wasn't the case while you were cheating, so have you told your husband that this is how you feel now that you are committed to him? Really, I think time and the honest, regular re-assurances like this, which will finally tell him that he is enough of a man to meet your needs, are the only things you can really do at this time. Be consistent in the way you answer his doubts.

It sounds like his doubts and the comments about Terry are not something he enjoys. I think two things might be in play. One is that he knows you cheated, but an actual physical encounter would've given him a easier reason to justify divorcing. As long as he has doubts about the existence of this deal breaker, he'll keep digging. Another is that he probably really believed the words you stated in the quote above while you were cheating. He likely feels like the worlds biggest fool, or maybe he just has the doubts that came into play when he realized that he wasn't enough for you. If you can help him rationalize how you convincingly made him feel like he was the only one, while simultaneously carrying on a sexual relationship with another man online, then he might be able to make peace with it. I think that if a random guy on the internet has a problem rationalizing the quoted text above with such an affair, imagine how he must feel. And if it was only something you did for self-gratification, does that make a statement to him about the depth of your understanding of what love really is?

Now I know this is an internet site, and our feelings are much harder to process, but there seems to be an element where your tone implies that this isn't as big a deal because it was online. If you struggled with conveying remorse to him at the level that addressed his real hurt, he can also feel that cheating just sin't a big deal to you.

I don't mean this to sound harsh. Please understand that it is only offered to try to suggest what could conceivably be behind his actions. He will hopefully see that the way you convey your love for him now is a beautiful, and rare gift to a man. But he sounds like he has allowed it to make him retreat into a shell


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl: My husband doesn't know anyone by that name. I know that for sure.
A few months ago, I was texting back and forth with one of my daugther's girlfriends over a few clothing items she had forgotten at her friends house and I was arranging to go pick them up because my daughter needed them the next day at school. I had just gotten the iphone and the keyboard for texting is touch-screen. I was texting while driving (I know, that's bad!). I accidently texted "Terry9" to my daugther's friend. Because her friend got sort of snippy with me, I showed the text conversation to my husband. Then he asked me "Who's Terry?" I told him what had happened, texting while driving on a new iphone. 2 weeks later I learned that he had read about Terry in that letter I wrote over 3 years earlier. Ever since, Terry has been a constant presence in my marriage.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just one recommendation, please consider that commenting on dead threads like "Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter" is really not very productive for it is almost like talking to yourself.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Halien, you are right. I do make it a point that there was no physical contact and never the slightest chance of such. The OM didn't mean a thing to me. I didn't agree with his opinions, his view points, his taste. But he asked me how my day was, he told me I was smart. He listened to my bla bla bla. My husband didn't do any of these things for a long time before the affair started. Yes, I do tend to play down what I did because I never stopped loving my husband and I wanted nothing more than for him to be the one to ask me how my day was. And yes, I did reach out to him about these things before I started the affair. He says he recalls me doing this one time, I recall many other times. I know I didn't say it loud enough, I should have screamed it at him.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Just one recommendation, please consider that commenting on dead threads like "Forever wearing the Scarlett Letter" is really not very productive for it is almost like talking to yourself.


You mean I should not post on threads that are started by other cheaters?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> You mean I should not post on threads that are started by other cheaters?


No you can post to Abraham Lincoln if that is what you wish - now whether he'll respond to you from beyond the grave is quite another matter altogether . 

The thread can be on how not to burn a pot roast and it would still apply. The OP (original poster) is long gone, and commenting on a dead thread will not necessarily bring others to the thread.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Halien, you are right. I do make it a point that there was no physical contact and never the slightest chance of such. The OM didn't mean a thing to me. I didn't agree with his opinions, his view points, his taste. But he asked me how my day was, he told me I was smart. He listened to my bla bla bla. My husband didn't do any of these things for a long time before the affair started. Yes, I do tend to play down what I did because I never stopped loving my husband and I wanted nothing more than for him to be the one to ask me how my day was. And yes, I did reach out to him about these things before I started the affair. He says he recalls me doing this one time, I recall many other times. I know I didn't say it loud enough, I should have screamed it at him.


I have to admit that I've learned a thing or two from this response. For years, my wife hasn't been able to speak to me in the same affirming, supportive way that she speaks to others in her life, although she told me that I was a good husband, and deserved it when I pushed the issue. I never realized that finding this through another woman wouldn't be such a big deal, since I love my wife deeply.

... not! In my opinion, I think you have your answer on why your husband will not let this go. He'll never buy into the argument that what you did just isn't such a big deal since you loved him. I suspect that he hears it implied in your tone just as clearly as you stated it here. To him, the two acts, your love for him, and cheating, should prove that one of them is a falsehood. I'm assuming that he found proof of your affair, which seems to point him in the direction of his current mindset.

Maybe he would've preferred it if you found courage from the missing things in the relationship. Courage to tell him that you would cheat on him if certain needs weren't met, instead of letting him feel the shame of sharing his wife with another man.

I know that I'm just one guy. Other men might disagree. If you've come to this site in order to better understand why he is responding as he is, I hope you will take this accordingly.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I
> When my husband found out, he went into a steep downward spiral, my entire family did (1 daughter, 2 dogs, 4 cats). *I never stopped loving my husband*.








> Fast forward 3 years. My husband believes I'm not telling him the truth.


But of course. Cheaters are liars by default. This is something you are just going to have to deal with until the day he may be able to fully get over it.

Because there really is no reason to trust you after what you did. You can't blame him for how he feels.





> We have just finished marriage counseling, (5 sessions, I believe) and it basically boils down to me not knowing how Terry is and my husband demanding I tell him who Terry is. Our therapist asked me husband if he would be able to start over and forgive me for what I have done, including the things he believes I'm lying about. He said "no way in hell". The therapist then asked me if I would be willing to live in a loveless marriage. My husband wants to stay married for the sake of our daugther. There is no sign of affection towards me, he doesn't not want to make love to me. He says he loves me and always will but it seems it's not the kind of love I'm looking for or the kind of love I need.


Well, what YOU need would have been good for discussion before you cheated. But now that you have, its a secondary consideration, at least until something can be resolved with your H.



> I feel that my husband enjoys pressuring me about Terry. He enjoys it when I can't answer the question. He seems satisfied when I end up being frustrated over not knowing who Terry is.


Trust me, he does NOT enjoy it. He is angry, upset, hurt. Even after 3 years, you have to know that you have given him a something horrible to think about. There is nothing enjoyable about it. Cheating is tantamount to mental/emotional abuse. And it has long lasting consequences.




> I believe this is his way of punishing me.


You may be partially correct. But take it from an x-BS, its his way of letting you know he isn't going to be played for a fool any longer.



> That's my story. I'm sorry if I rambled on. I don't have anyone to talk to (my best friend is my husband) and guess I just had the need to talk. Any advise is welcomed.


If counseling isn't working, and your husband doesn't seem like he can get over this, it may be time to move on. Not because you deserve it, but for his sake more than anything. And if you decide this, I guarantee he will not want to go for it because he wants his kids to be in an intact home. 

But sometimes we don't know what is best for us.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> We have made some progress in 3.5 years. It's small but it's there. In the beginning he said he doesn't trust me at all. In a recent session with the therapist he said he doesn't trust me completely. That's a big difference to me and it gave me a bunch of hope. He also said that he knows there wasn't any physical contact with OM, whereas before he insisted that there was.


Thats the part about being irrelevant to most people whether it was an emotional affair, or physical.

Because one knows that the odds are in the favor of a physical affair spawning from an EA if the opportunity presented itself.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dear Dexter,

clearly there are people that have betrayed trust again and again, only to wake up one day and turn everything around.
The first 7 years of my marriage my husband was an abusive drunk. I was "totally worthless **** to him", it was okay for him to crash my head into the walls, pour beer onto me and humiliate me infront of his friends at any opportunity. This is what alcohol can do. One day he woke up and he hasn't been drinking a drop of alcohol in almost 10 years. I didn't trust him the first few years, I took it day by day but there was a point where I knew he would never EVER drink again or hit me again. How did I know that? He changed his behavior, he changed his ways, he didn't come home drunk. Day by day by day. 
I don't think we would have made it through this had I yelled at him "You're an abuser and wife beater!" on a daily basis the way you just had to inform me that I have cheated and lied to my husband.

I understand you must have been very hurt and I wish this world was a better place where nobody ever has to endure failure, pain and dispair. 

I was the one to initiate counseling, I was the one to volunteer complete transparency without having to be told, I immediately stopped all contact without having to be told, I also willingly agreed to a lie detector test (which I passed). I'm doing it to this day and will for the rest of my life and it's absolutely fine by me because I have no desire to go down that road ever again. My husband knows this, my family knows this, his parents know it.

Of course, you can call me whatever you want. I don't know you and I honestly don't care for your advise. It doesn't help me or my husband at all other than transpire your bitterness, which I don't doubt for a moment, you don't deserve.

Sure didn't expect any sympathy from anyone here but I also didn't expect to be bashed.

Edited for the possibility of getting it wrong:
There are days where I feel like I need to concentrate on my job more than on my marriage because I need to make a living. On those days, I can't stand being called a liar. I lied to my husband and I cheated - it's a fact, it's the reason why I'm here. Today, I simply didn't feel that I needed to be told for the millionth time. I'm sorry that I yelled at you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> We have just finished marriage counseling, (5 sessions, I believe) and it basically boils down to me not knowing how Terry is and my husband demanding I tell him who Terry is.


Offer to stop all this by going in for a polygraph. If he decline for you to go then there is a deeper problem within your husband and he is unable to move on.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I have offered this multiple times. I have also offered to pay anyone computer forensic to retrieve the letter somehow. I have offered to clean out my entire savings account to pay for whatever else he needs proof of that I can't provide. He declined each time.
I have previously taken a lie detector test and passed. He now says that I cheated the test. I don't think another test would do any good since he believes I can cheat them.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Halien said:


> I have to admit that I've learned a thing or two from this response. For years, my wife hasn't been able to speak to me in the same affirming, supportive way that she speaks to others in her life, although she told me that I was a good husband, and deserved it when I pushed the issue. I never realized that finding this through another woman wouldn't be such a big deal, since I love my wife deeply.
> 
> ... not! In my opinion, I think you have your answer on why your husband will not let this go. He'll never buy into the argument that what you did just isn't such a big deal since you loved him. I suspect that he hears it implied in your tone just as clearly as you stated it here. To him, the two acts, your love for him, and cheating, should prove that one of them is a falsehood. I'm assuming that he found proof of your affair, which seems to point him in the direction of his current mindset.
> 
> ...


I know it's a big deal. I don't mean to demean it or play it down. But I won't own that I loved another man, had withdrawal symptoms, tried to carry on the relationship with the OM after Dday. Maybe it is not so much that I'm saying this shouldn't be a big deal for my husband but rather that the relationship with the OM wasn't as freaking fully blown as you read it in all the self help books where cheaters ask for time to spend with their lovers so they can get over the pain of having to lose them and carry on their affair because they can't stomach losing the lover. I didn't have any such feelings for the OM. I'm glad when my husband found out. I wish I would have had the guts to tell him beforehand. 

I came here to understand my husband's pain. While I know how much betrayal hurts, I still can't relate exactly because he never cheated on me that I know of. I know what it feels like to watch him hurt and I want nothing more than for him to heal. Not so I can get off the hook, no. I want him to stop hurting because I don't want to see him hurt. I know I should have thought of that before but I guess like most everyone else, I didn't get a marriage manual and it was my first time.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Edited for the possibility of getting it wrong:
There are days where I feel like I need to concentrate on my job more than on my marriage because I need to make a living. On those days, I can't stand being called a liar. I lied to my husband and I cheated - it's a fact, it's the reason why I'm here. Today, I simply didn't feel that I needed to be told for the millionth time. I'm sorry that I yelled at you.

This should have been an edit, not a reply. I'm giving up for today, too much coffee!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> there is a deeper problem within your husband and he is unable to move on.


Somehow convince him to go for IC, he is either in pain or has lost how to deal with the situation. An independent party may offer him guidance. 

If he declines you have some tough choices. 

I suggest 

1. Book a polygraph and have the examiner contact your husband for proposed questions.
2. Find and IC for your husband and book a session
3. If he does not accept either I suspect you both have to discuss a way forward that may ultimately lead to separation .

Not all marriages can be saved from infidelity, an affair changes a lot deep inside us all.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I know it's a big deal. I don't mean to demean it or play it down. But I won't own that I loved another man, had withdrawal symptoms, tried to carry on the relationship with the OM after Dday. Maybe it is not so much that I'm saying this shouldn't be a big deal for my husband but rather that the relationship with the OM wasn't as freaking fully blown as you read it in all the self help books where cheaters ask for time to spend with their lovers so they can get over the pain of having to lose them and carry on their affair because they can't stomach losing the lover. I didn't have any such feelings for the OM. I'm glad when my husband found out. I wish I would have had the guts to tell him beforehand.
> 
> I came here to understand my husband's pain. While I know how much betrayal hurts, I still can't relate exactly because he never cheated on me that I know of. I know what it feels like to watch him hurt and I want nothing more than for him to heal. Not so I can get off the hook, no. I want him to stop hurting because I don't want to see him hurt. I know I should have thought of that before but I guess like most everyone else, I didn't get a marriage manual and it was my first time.


I do think this explanation helps. In my earlier posts, I was hpoing to convey how a man might respond to some of the reasons you mentioned, but he has to see that it took courage to force it out in the open, and a willingness to make things right.

In reading about his own actions of the past, which you describe in a later post, I wonder if you may ultimately have to accept that he isn't the type who can put this past him. It shows little empathy on his part to begin with. Try to encourage him to attend counseling with you. I truly wish you success in working through this. You describe a vision for how you want to live your future with him, one that should sway him if he can let go of the anger. Make sure you communicate this dream of how he is the one you want to grow old with. I can't imagine what else should get to him above this.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

IC = Independent counselor? Like counseling just for him? I doubt he will go for that since we just finished counseling. He won't talk about if it helped him or not. It didn't help me. While in counseling he only wanted to talk about issues during the sessions. When at home, it was sort of we pretended everything was fine. This drove me nuts because nothing was fine and I wanted to talk. I admit that some of the talks we had ended with me becoming hysterical because he would ask the same thing again and again (the Terry question), which I can't answer other than with "I don't know who Terry is". I did apologize for the outburst and I feel ashamed it happened. 
I was toying with giving him a polygraph for Christmas. I know he thinks I'm lying about Terry, so I figured that a poly about Terry would make him feel better. 
My husband is not a "let's talk about our feelings" kinda guy. He never has been. I think going to therapy was the hardest thing for him to do. Sit there and talk to a complete stranger about his private life. He didn't want to go, I made him. I think he went so I would be happy. He carries stuff around with him for years. I remember a time where he was screwed over at work big time. It took years for him to put it behind him even after he ended up with a better job and all. My mother in law once used the word "paranoid", saying my husband is just like his father. I don't think of him that way and I reject the notion completely. I do believe there is a lot of insecurity, a huge ego and the inability to talk about feelings. It's just him and his thoughts.
I cannot give up on my marriage. We are planning on purchasing a home within the next 6 months. We work in the same industry and are planning on going independent together within the next, let's say 2 years. We talk about these plans all the time and he is more firm about them then I am. We are financially tight, but we never fought over money. If money was very tight in the past as well, I'd boil the hotdogs and he's slice the buns - meaning we got through very meager times together and we came out fine. We do laught together and we do have a deep friendship. He said I'm still his best friend and he is mine. There are a ton of positive things we still have and we have overcome a boatload of "sh!t" as a couple. We consult each other on everything, folks at work tell me that we are a very close to each other couple. All this gives me hope, it is something that is still there, it's a strong foundation that I believe can be used for a new start. I cannot waver and I will not unless he tells me it's over. 
There is another thing that I haven't mentioned (because there's so much that I would probably bring down my internet connection if I posted it all at one time). We did move our of our house last year (foreclosure pending). Because the bank hasn't taken any action AT ALL, we moved back in earlier this year, thinking we'd save paying rent and keep the place in shape so the neighbors won't complain. This is when things started getting worse (no love making, no affection) and I asked him to go to counseling with me. Moving back brought back memories. To me most of them were good (past Christmases, pool parties etc.), to him most of them were bad (I cheated). I don't know if this has thrown him back. If I was in his place, I believe I would have hesitated moving back in. Time will tell.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

It's awful what your going through. 

Please read some of the cheater threads on here. It may help with understanding some of the healing process. 

lookup marriage busters, there are some really good self-help tools.

That said: I know you said you cannot give up on the marriage. You also told us your plans for the future.

Have you considered that the abusive side of him that used to show under the guise of being drunk is back to bash you, and never let you forget about your mistake? 

It is my oppinion that if a person decides to forgive, they let the hurt go. They let the bashing go. They don't forget. They keep it on the shelf, and take it down when needed to never experience the betrayal through a repeat affair. 

Since he cannot seem to let it go, maybe you need to sit down with him and tell him that that IS your truth, and if it causes him that much pain maybe you should seperate for awhile. 

Go take a polygraph, and get the computer searched for said letter, and present the results as a gift. If you do not, it seems it is you that is punishing you my dear. His bashing will and probably has etched away at your self-worth, and self-esteem.

Please look up boundries. Having had an EA, doesn't entitle him to cross your boundries. 

Also look up 180. These tools are usually for the betrayed, however, I really do believe them to be universal in all things self-esteem.

I wish your marraige luck, and well-being.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Dear Dexter,
> 
> clearly there are people that have betrayed trust again and again, only to wake up one day and turn everything around.
> The first 7 years of my marriage my husband was an abusive drunk. I was "totally worthless **** to him", it was okay for him to crash my head into the walls, pour beer onto me and humiliate me infront of his friends at any opportunity. This is what alcohol can do. One day he woke up and he hasn't been drinking a drop of alcohol in almost 10 years. I didn't trust him the first few years, I took it day by day but there was a point where I knew he would never EVER drink again or hit me again. How did I know that? He changed his behavior, he changed his ways, he didn't come home drunk. Day by day by day.
> I don't think we would have made it through this had I yelled at him "You're an abuser and wife beater!" on a daily basis the way you just had to inform me that I have cheated and lied to my husband.


Not that it justifies cheating or propagates the "people can turn themselves around" ideal to help you with what you have done, but why is this info just now coming up?



> I understand you must have been very hurt and I wish this world was a better place where nobody ever has to endure failure, pain and dispair.


You know, I had been slapped by a girlfriend before, and I was on the verge of leaving her. I know, far cry from what you say you went through. But that didn't stick with me and it didn't consume my thoughts.

Cheating, on the other hand, haunted me. Its just something that most people can't shake from their memories. Like your husband. Its going to stick with him, and I understand that. The thought of his wife having an online may not have been what haunts him as much as what he knew you WOULD do if you had the chance to be alone in person with this guy.




> Of course, you can call me whatever you want. I don't know you and I honestly don't care for your advise. It doesn't help me or my husband at all other than transpire your bitterness, which I don't doubt for a moment, you don't deserve.


Well then just bury your head in the sand about what might be going on inside your husband's head then. By all means.

I represent what your husband more than likely is thinking. And based on the description you gave of how he grills you, I am spot on with my assessment. Because I relate to what he is doing and what he is going through.

So what comes out of my mouth(in type form that is) is what I felt when I was betrayed too. Difference? I divorced my wife, and now, even though it does pop into my head once in a blue moon, the thoughts don't haunt me. I can actually laugh at it now.

And I have told you, in my own way, what your H is probably thinking. Just like when you figure he is taking pleasure in punishing you for your cheating. And thats pretty bad to assume that is what he is doing, when I know for a fact that he is hurting inside. Because if you think he wants to sit around and think about what his wife would have done had she met up with this guy in person, and let it eat him away. You are mistaken. And saying he enjoys it and is punishing you is focusing on YOU, and not the thoughts that you have exiled him with.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I have offered this multiple times. I have also offered to pay anyone computer forensic to retrieve the letter somehow. I have offered to clean out my entire savings account to pay for whatever else he needs proof of that I can't provide. He declined each time.
> I have previously taken a lie detector test and passed. He now says that I cheated the test. I don't think another test would do any good since he believes I can cheat them.


I thought you already took a polygraph?

And I understand you passed it. But was this question asked, "would you have met the OM in person for a physical affair if the opportunity arose?"

Because if you passed every other question, but this one wasn't asked, then this is what he is probably wondering about.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I had the opportunity and I didn't do it. I didn't go, I canceled it. And I told my husband, he didn't have to even ask about it or find out about it. The question was not asked in the polygraph because for whatever reason my husband didn't request it. He wrote up the questions, he picked them. 
I understand it might not have been enough questions, so I offered more tests, he declined without giving a reason.
My husband told me his way of dealing with these things is "putting them away" or "ignoring" them. This resulted in resentment towards me, no affection, no lovemaking, sleepless nights. I can understand the resentment and anything else directed towards me but him not sleeping and him being depressed as a result of him "ignoring" things that I believe we haven't worked through was not an option for me. Going to therapy, he called it opening a can of worms and that he doesn't want to throw knives at his wife and grill her once a week. I invited and encouraged the grilling and knife throwing because I honestly believed that it would help him work through some issues. It didn't.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I only joined here yesterday and honestly, I didn't think anyone would care to read a 500 page biography and I also didn't feel like typing it up. I do not have a script to go by. I'm sorry if I'm jumping back and forth. What happened early on in my marriage is, in my opinion, not connected to me cheating. It is merely something that happened that enabled me or force me to understand the concept of lack of trust and forgiving. I don't like to talk about certain aspects of the early years of my marriage. My husband is not that person anymore and he never will be again. So, that and lack of time to type up every single detail are the reason why this has only come up now, less than 24 hours after my original post.

It doesn't matter if your girlfriend slapped you or chopped your hand off, what does matter is how it made you feel and how it affected your relationship. The same way it doesn't matter if the affair was emotional or physical - both equally hurtful, equally devastating. 

I'm here because I want to understand what my husband is going through. When I say it seems to me like he is punishing me or that the only thing I can imagine is that he enjoys grilling me that that doesn't neccessarily mean I'm right about it. It's me assuming for lack of knowing any better.

He knows what his wife HAS done when it came time to meet up with the other person. She didn't go. 

You divorced your wife, your marriage ended and it seems like you came out on top. Good for you, I really mean that. That doesn't mean my marriage is going to end that way. It doesn't mean my husband will not be able to forgive me one day. Because you can relate to his pain, doesn't mean you can relate to the relationship between me and my husband. I can't relate to yours and I'm not trying to.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I had the opportunity and I didn't do it. I didn't go, I canceled it. And I told my husband, he didn't have to even ask about it or find out about it.


You said in your first post that your husband "found out" about your affair. Therefore you "canceled" this AFTER you got caught. Now I wouldn't doubt you told him after this, but I don't think you canceled it on your own, only after he "found out" as you stated previously.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> It doesn't matter if your girlfriend slapped you or chopped your hand off, what does matter is how it made you feel and how it affected your relationship.


And as I said, it didn't affect me even close to the level as cheating did.




> I'm here because I want to understand what my husband is going through.


And I'm telling you what he is going through. He could have written a script for my situation based on your description of things. He sounded just like me when I went through a D-day.




> When I say it seems to me like he is punishing me or that the only thing I can imagine is that he enjoys grilling me that that doesn't neccessarily mean I'm right about it.


Trust me, that isn't the case. He has been emotionally abused, therefore the cheating haunts him. Believe me, he does NOT enjoy it.




> You divorced your wife, your marriage ended and it seems like you came out on top. Good for you, I really mean that. That doesn't mean my marriage is going to end that way. It doesn't mean my husband will not be able to forgive me one day.


I agree. However, don't fool yourself into thinking that if it does "seem" like he forgives you, he will NEVER forget. And he WILL have visions of you cheating, whatever form of cheating that may be, in his head from time to time. He will either lash out at you over it, or he will simply bottle it up. But make no mistake, even if he forgives you, he will look at you from time to time with resentment. He may just keep his mouth closed about it.




> Because you can relate to his pain, doesn't mean you can relate to the relationship between me and my husband.


I can relate to what is going on in his head. Again, he sounded like me. Your relationship may survive. But it depends on your definition of survival. You may stay married for the rest of your lives, but that doesn't mean he won't harbor some ill feelings.

Again, I know what he is thinking based on your description of his behavior.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> You said in your first post that your husband "found out" about your affair. Therefore you "canceled" this AFTER you got caught. Now I wouldn't doubt you told him after this, but I don't think you canceled it on your own, only after he "found out" as you stated previously.


I canceled the meeting with the OM 5 months before my husband found out. Once he found out, I believe it was on the same day, I told him that there had a meeting planned about 5 months ago and that I canceled it. I don't think I could have canceled the meeting AFTER my husband found out because the meeting was to be 5 months prior to him finding out.
Your assumption is wrong.

on edit: again to make this crystal clear: The meeting wasn't planned 5 months before he found out, the meeting had been planned TO BE about 5 months before he found out. I canceled it about a month before it was to take place. So, approximately 6 months before he found out, the meeting was canceled. I hope this clarifies things for you.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I understand that my husband will never forget, I do not expect it. The best way for him and me to save this marriage is for me to understand his pain better. That's why I'm here and what the vast majority of people on here say is extremely helpful to me and therefore helpful in recovery for my husband. 

Having said that, your grill party is coming to an end at this point. I'm not going to answer any further questions. They are pointless as you have no need to understand me or my situation. I will consider your input but since you are advocating divorce after cheating - your input is of no value to me or my marriage. We have not chosen divorce, we have chosen marriage. I'm sure you'll do fine in firing up betrayed spouses that seek revenge or to destroy their exes.

Again, I sense a great bitterness in your posts and even though you have gotten divorced, you don't appear to be recovered at all. I wish you the best of luck and I wish you all the love in the world - I believe you need it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If the defiant and defensive tone you express here is what your husband experiences, rather than patient remorse, then I can understand his continued lack of trust in you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I understand that my husband will never forget, I do not expect it. The best way for him and me to save this marriage is for me to understand his pain better. That's why I'm here and what the vast majority of people on here say is extremely helpful to me and therefore helpful in recovery for my husband.
> 
> Having said that, your grill party is coming to an end at this point. I'm not going to answer any further questions. They are pointless as you have no need to understand me or my situation. I will consider your input but since you are advocating divorce after cheating - your input is of no value to me or my marriage.


Uh, what wasn't of value to your marriage was your betrayal of your husband.

Sure, I'd advocate divorce, as I know what is going on in your husband's head. But if both of you don't want that, then you are just going to have to realize that you did this to him and will have to give him LOTS of time to sort it out....if he can.




> We have not chosen divorce, we have chosen marriage.


You chose marriage before you cheated too.



> I'm sure you'll do fine in firing up betrayed spouses that seek revenge or to destroy their exes.


I'm never about destroying X's whatsoever. I am about a better life awaiting someone that has been betrayed.




> Again, I sense a great bitterness in your posts and even though you have gotten divorced


Great! I'm glad you sense that. Because guess what, this is what your husband is going through. He is bitter. Bitter because of you. Your description of his behavior indicates this.

So rather than trying the lame flame of calling me "bitter", you need to realize....this is what you bestowed on your husband.



> , you don't appear to be recovered at all.


Fully recovered. Over the X completely. Heck, I was over her the day I filed. Still doesn't mean I don't find cheating, and the attitudes of the cheaters after D-day reprehensible.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

You want to understand your husband's pain better?

While Dexter's tone may be at times harsh he is correct and is showing you what your husband's pain really is. All the betrayed spouses here are still in pain whether they have chosen to divorce or reconcile. My wife had an affair 20 years ago. We reconciled but I am still affected by it to this day. Your husband's pain is palpable.

You seem to be minimizing what you did but what you need to understand is that you have broken trust. He doesn't believe you because he has no reason to. Trust is the first casualty and it is the last to return, if it ever does.

There is a BS on here who was in the special forces. I'm sure he has seen his share of destruction, horror and death and yet the thing that has hit him the hardest is what brought him here.

On the marriage builders website, Dr. Harley talks about a woman who was gang raped. And yet she admitted that the pain of her husband cheating on her was worse than anything she has ever experienced including her rape.

That is the pain your husband is feeling right now. Does that help you to understand things better?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> if the defiant and defensive tone you express here is what your husband experiences, rather than patient remorse, then i can understand his continued lack of trust in you.
> _posted via mobile device_


thank you!!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

The only thing I seem to hear from you is that I can't be trusted, that I'm not trustworthy and that I'm a liar. I already know that. Is that your only message? If so, then what's the lesson? How is that going to help me understand my husband's pain. I know my husband doesn't trust me completely, I know he suspects I'm still lying. I'm learning to understand how devastating this is for him.
Believe it or not, cheating didn't come with a manual. I bet all of you know more now than you did before. It might be that if your tone was less aggressive and degrading, my response wouldn't seem so defensive. I have yet to read a self help book suggest or hear a therapist say "Go ahead and tell your wife daily that she's not trustworthy, let her know she's a liar and a cheater! This is going to help you and your wife save your marriage." 

I cannot relate to my husband's pain because I haven't experienced it. I can only try to relate to it as much as I can and that's why I read posts on here. None of you guys can relate to the experience of child birth either and this is not to compare child birth with cheating, it's an anology.

I absolutely understand what you are saying about what my husband is going through and will be going through. You've been there, done that and probably got a lousy t-shirt. 

Defensive tone: don't tell me I canceled the meeting with the OM AFTER my husband found out about the A - when that's not what I said. You don't have to believe what I say, but don't twist my words.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

"I'm never about destroying X's whatsoever. I am about a better life awaiting someone that has been betrayed."

but that's what you said in another thread.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

FourtyPlus - you might find more useful some of the later threads from working_together to help you and your husband through reconciliation. 

It maybe a better approach for you to learn from. These guys are just as hard on her, and she is finally on the right path (not to say you aren't), but take a gander and let me know if it helps!

Best of luck!

Dadof3


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I guess I'm looking for hands on advice like "do this, don't do that". If you do this and that, then your husband is likely going to feel [fill in the blanks]. 
I'm looking for building blocks. I blew up our house and caused plenty of injury. My husband and I have been trying to rebuild it and we've been doing it without a blue print so far. We have walls and doors but the roof is missing. I'm looking to learn how to build trusses and rafters, lay shingles and all that. 
I realize that most people on here are either people that just had their house blown up and need advise on how to deal with the one that laid the fuse.
There don't seem too many cheaters posting on here, it's mostly the betrayed spouses giving each other advise. I also realize that this is probably not the right place to become a roofer.
Someone told me to take another lie detector test to clear out the issues my husband still has (things that he says I lie about and I can't prove that I'm telling the truth). I will absolutely do that even if he doesn't agree to it. I was looking for that kind of advise. I wasn't looking to be berated about blowing up the house. I know I did it and I have seen the pain it has caused even though I'm never going to be able to fully understand it. I want help, I want direction, I want suggestions.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

We are 3.5 years after Dday. I can't fully understand my husband's pain because i've never experienced it. I I've hurt him to the greatest extend, I broke all his trust. I have stopped A immediately after discovery, I have never contacted OM again. I have no communication or contact of any sort with any other OM. I report my daily schedule, I call in when I go somewhere and when I get back. My husband has complete access to my daily schedule, my phone records, my computer and all passwords that I could possibly have. I do not mind at all that he checks up on me. He says he doesn't but I would welcome it because I have nothing to hide anymore. I have addressed his concerns the best I can. What he has asked of me, I have done. I have given suggestions to resolve questions I have not been able to answer other than "I don't know". He has declined a second lie detector test, he has declined or ruled out the possibility to retrieve a letter in question. I have offered whatever money I have available for him to spend on investigating or clearing up unresolved questions. He has declined.
I have initiated going to a therapist, which he did reluctantly. If there is anything else I need to do or have not done so far, please let me know. I do not know how to address my husband's pain over and over again. If you mean by that that I should tell him daily how sorry I am, I will do that. If you mean I should do something to humiliate myself infront of him so he can feel "even", I will do that too. I don't know how to daily address his pain.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

FP: This is why I suggested working_togethers threads. I haven't read through all of them, just most of the two last ones, but my impression is that her early ones, (she cheated by the way - not emotional affair, but physical affair) and she comes across much of the way you are here (I think). 

Somewhere along the the way, I think something finally clicked with her and she's on the path with the advice that's been given. She still has challenges, but has come to terms with what has happened and is learning to deal with the hurt and pain she caused her husband. 

You may want to friend / private message her and see what she might be able to help you bridge the advice you are being given (and she was given much the same and didn't think it was what she needed) and has finally come around and is making good progress. Her DD was earlier this year. She even kicked her husband out of the house while she was cheating. Talk about ballsy!

Anyway, I think she might best help you bridge the gap with this advice. I think you'd be surprised that there are almost as many cheaters here as there are betrayed spouses (and in some cases both). Every person's journey is personal and unique, but I've found the advice to be fairly sound, albeit "tough love". These folks will beat you up, but they'll also incorporate you into the crowd once you catch the lessons to be learned. 

Please don't give up, please bear with us longer. 

Dadof3


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dadof3, I will do that

Michzz, I've done that

I have been very impatient with all this at times. My husband and I have had very hard fights about this at times. I have not been impatient about things because I just wanted to get over it and pretent nothing ever happened. I have been impatient because I didn't know how to correctly deal with it and nothing hubby and I did helped us. There was no "past experience" to draw from, there were also no other folks around us that had gone through the same and saved their marriage successfully.
The one and only thing I knew to do and I know that I did THAT right was to stop it immediately, never do it again and give up all privacy. 
Yes, all this is and has been uncomfortable to me, how could it not be?

I get an email every time someone posts something and I've been dropping everything to read replies ever since I joined here. I appreciate everything everyone has said to me so far and that includes Dexter. It takes me more than a minute to read, process and digest replies and I've been digesting at the expense of my work. I have fallen behind on most of my work orders earlier this week and actually needed hubby's help to bail me out on overdue assignments. I'm almost in the same spot again and I need to make a large effort to catch up today. I won't respond to anything. I wanted to let you know that I'm not bailing out or anything. Just need to stay away for today and focus on bringing my work load down.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I'm a woman, and my H had a ONS with an ex gf.

We are still working through the issue, but one thing I noticed in your original post that I personally "wanted" was this:

You sought out attention that were not getting at home. You sought out a father figure \ mentor.

What has changed in your life in the past 3.5 years that you now have a more appropriate support system? If it is now your husband, tell him that. My only advice to you would be:

Address WHY it happened in the first place. Tell your husband. He might be wanting to hear that part. Reassurances that you have resolved your issues so it does not happen again. That might help him trust you again.

You probably do need a support system of some kind. If it isn't your husband that you turn to for advice, find something more appropriate than online chats and let him know what it is. Go to IC if needed. By yourself.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

My husband has always been the mentor figure in my life. I don't like using the term father figure with him because he's my husband and I don't see him as a father substitute. I still look up to him. He is still that knight in shiny armor, white horse and all.

I have been trying to address to myself why it happened. My husband says he doesn't care. I have done a lot of thinking during the past few days as to why I did it and I think there are deeper reasons than just needing attention. I have written a letter to my husband about this. His not a talker and let's discuss our feelings type of guy. He read it and said he does need some time to think about it.

I think it all boils down to the reason why I wasn't getting attention is because I rejected the attention to begin with. At the same time I was complaining about not getting it. I know now what I need to resolve. I'm still trying to sort out all these things and make sense of it, summarize it. I think if I better understand the core reason for the affair, I can better understand and address what my husband is going through. I believe the reason for the affair was far more severe than what he thinks the reason was. 

This is difficult for me to sort out and put in proper sequence and I need more time to think.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> My husband has always been the mentor figure in my life. I don't like using the term father figure with him because he's my husband and I don't see him as a father substitute. I still look up to him. He is still that knight in shiny armor, white horse and all.
> 
> I have been trying to address to myself why it happened. My husband says he doesn't care. I have done a lot of thinking during the past few days as to why I did it and I think there are deeper reasons than just needing attention. I have written a letter to my husband about this. His not a talker and let's discuss our feelings type of guy. He read it and said he does need some time to think about it.
> 
> ...


Good, digging deep isn't easy to do, but it benefits YOU in the long run. I don't think people are bad, it's a difference in coping skills and knowledge. Learning more about yourself and how to deal with feelings can only make you a better person, which makes you a better spouse, parent, friend, etc.

I wish you great success!


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> The only thing I seem to hear from you is that I can't be trusted, that I'm not trustworthy and that I'm a liar. I already know that. Is that your only message?


nope




> If so, then what's the lesson?


So you know what kind of thought process your husband has.




> How is that going to help me understand my husband's pain.


By stating what he is most likely feeling because I have been in his shoes.

Now if you don't want to hear what is probably going on in his head, then say so.




> Believe it or not, cheating didn't come with a manual. I bet all of you know more now than you did before. It might be that if your tone was less aggressive and degrading, my response wouldn't seem so defensive.


I'm sorry, what part was degrading?




> I cannot relate to my husband's pain because I haven't experienced it.


I have. Hence my posts.




> I absolutely understand what you are saying about what my husband is going through and will be going through. You've been there, done that and probably got a lousy t-shirt.


Actually I got sweet freedom from it:smthumbup:




> Defensive tone: don't tell me I canceled the meeting with the OM AFTER my husband found out about the A - when that's not what I said. You don't have to believe what I say, but don't twist my words.


Well then tell your story better with a better timeline. I take what you say and look at it in the way you said it.

When you say you cancelled the meeting and that your H didn't have to find out about it, and that you told him of your own free will, we can only assume you cancelled it after your H found you out for the sake of you being an open book after D-day.


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## halfway (Dec 22, 2011)

Look what you did is wrong, BUT you have been trying to fix your marriage for over three years now?

If that's the case I just hope the counseling will work because it doesn't look like he has your trust at all. Some people never can forgive, some are much more forgiving.

Wish you the best


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

You want advice on what to do.

Well, honestly, and being I have been in his shoes with the same kind of temperament your husband has, its hard to say since I wouldn't have stuck around.

But if I had, the only thing I can think of that you aren't already doing is when he gets in these moods to go up to him, put your arms around him, or grab him by the face and look into his eyes with great compassion and say, "I know what I did was wrong, and I promise you it will never happen again as I love you and never EVER want to hurt you again".

Its the only thing I can think of other than total transparency.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I realize that I haven't been trying to fix this for over 3 years. In the very beginning we saw a councelor 1 time. She prescribed pills for him. We couldn't afford counseling nor medication and we stopped going. Next was 3 years of doing nothing really. We got caught up in trying to dig out of a financial hole, dealing with our daugther's feelings, my husband changed careers and joined me in mine, his two daughters from his first marriage popped out of nowhere after 20 years of no communication and moved in with us, bringing along his first grandchild. All these things kept us busy with everyday life, none of us worked on the marriage. Everything seemed normal. Every aspect of our marriage was normal - normal in terms of being the same way it was before the affair. I simply figured if things are back to normal, then we must have overcome this.
Wrong! I know!
When we moved back into our old house (foreclosure filing, we moved into a rental, bank doesn't seem to bother moving forward with the foreclosure so we figured we move back in and save the rent money towards purchase of a crappy foreclosure home we can fix up and own free and clear - we are ALMOST there!) things changed. He had "moods" again and sex died down. I started digging about it and he said it's just work and that he was stressed. I waited some more and then I asked point blank. I called a marriage counselor and we had an appointment a week later. He doesn't talk about wether or not he feels it helped at all. I know it didn't help me. We were told to buy and read "After the Affair", which we did. From that point on the sessions were mainly "How are you feeling? Have you made any progress? See you next week". We didn't discuss the book, we didn't discuss why it happened. I was looking for an analysis, a summary, directions, instructions, suggestions, a road map. I don't know what my husband was looking for or what he got out of it. I feel like he's glad we're not going to therapy anymore.
This is why I ended up here. I'm still looking for direction and I have found some, hopefully finding more. While very painful, it helps me to read here. It has made me think and dig and I found a lot of stuff that I never considered. I feel like there is more hope than I thought. 
I don't know if any of this constitutes "working to fix the marriage". Actually, it feels like whatever we have done within the past 3 years was damage control, none of us has worked on the marriage. 

Dexter, I will do that!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Update: I have found Terry! A person my husband wants me to explain. My husband says that I wrote a letter to someone in a forum, explaining why I'm no longer participating in the forum (cutting ties with friends and father/figure mentor there).
I have said over and over again that I don't know why Terry is.
My husband said he has no copy of the letter and I felt that since he didn't even have any proof of Terry, how am I supposed to explain it.

Today, I went and signed into that forum again, looked at my PM box and wow..........that letter was still there. It mentions Tenny, a woman from Tennessee with whom I have been exchanging recipes and talk about the town she lives in (we used to live there too).

I showed the letter to my husband. His response: It's not the letter he was talking about (even though when he previously remembered the letter it was a summary of what he read today) and that there's no way that Tenny and Terry are the same person and that it could be that he thinks he read Terry instead of Tenny.

Wow!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I have answered a question and provided proof that Terry doesn't exist. We stopped MC because this question ended up being a gridlock, something we could not resolve.

I resolved it today. When I found that letter it was like tons of weight coming off my chest because I could proof that I didn't lie about Terry. I HAVE THE LETTER AND THERE IS NO TERRY!!!! I was extatic because the gridlock was now gone, right?

Why does it not matter to him? Why does he not believe the letter (it was still on a PM inbox in a forum and he read it "live")? The only thing he said when pressed was that the last couple of days were good for him, he slept much better (I made another attempt to sleep in the same bed with him and overcome his snoring with hypnosis) but then I have to go and dig up all this ****. He said he doesn't even want to look at me and told me to get out. I don't understand this. I don't understand why he isn't glad I didn't lie, why he isn't glad that I have the proof. He's been hammering away with this question about Terry like crazy, it's all he would ever talk about. He would interrupt me asking about Terry. He made the entire MC about this one single question. 

Can someone explain why he reacts this way, what I should expect tomorrow and the day after? How should I react?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

My husband doesn't want to talk about any of this and I think it's okay to assume that he has shut down. I don't know how to fix anything or work on something that is about both of us if I'm the only party participating. He will not talk about his feelings, he avoids it at any cost. If I press him, he will bring up another question that he feels I haven't answered. 
I'm going to let him go. He will agree to a non-contested divorce, all assets divided among us equally, joint custody, I take one of the cats. I feel like I'm dying. I know I don't have the right to feel this way because I caused all this but I still feel like I'm dying and I can't just push that aside. I know I will feel better at some point and I believe my husband will feel better too.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Maybe I missed it in the previous posts, but did you consider sending him over to this forum?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hopefully, the serving of divorce papers will cause him to pause and do some reflection if this is what he really needs to heal and move on with his life. I can tell you from personal experience that divorce can be a traumatizing experience and if there is still love left in his heart for you, like there was with me towards my ex-wife, he will definitely feel the pain.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think you should give some time before you go with the divorce. He had some assumptions about you(obviously bad assumptions). Maybe he demonized you to save his sanity/emotions. Now you destroyed those assumptions. I think it would take him some time to come around and apologize. Let him process the new information. He is still in denial.(And you haven't helped much having confessed to sleeping with Terry!! How stupid was that?)


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Many times a BS will continue to punish the WS because they are seeking to cause them the same pain they have and are experiencing. While some of this is expected it can go on too long or become a vendetta quickly spiraling out of control. That may be what is occurring here. It may be that your H cannot forgive you at all and D may be the only correct choice. If you've done everything and have asked your H what else he needs from you then I don't see what more there is to do. Just tell him that you've been as honest as you can, you've apologized and you've tried to meet his every need. But unless he can work with you to heal your marriage then R will never happen and it's better if you split up. It may be that is what he really wants but hasn't got the courage to pursue.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

He says he loves me and always will. We have been having sex (great sex) up until a few days ago. I know in my heart that I was making love but it seems it was just sex to him. He says he did it because I wanted it.
It seemed this morning that Terry didn't matter anymore at all and he said in a by-the-way tone that alright he was wrong about Terry, he accused me falsy. He said at some point earlier that he had facts about Terry and that as long as I wouldn't come forward with the truth there was no way to forgive me. He cannot understand how I was able to retrieve that letter and it feels like this letter has taken all the wind out of his sail. None of his reactions make sense to me, they are not logical and I therefore thing there is something deeper that I simply "don't get" or not see.

I analyze everything, sometimes to death and I have spent the last 3+ years analyzing my marriage, my own behavior as well as his behavior. I know he does not want to divorce me but I also know that he is not happy in the state he has been in lately.

Another thing I'm sure of is that moving back into our old house, seeing the patio where we spent night after night after night talking after Dday, the chairs we sat in, the room where I slept and had my computer set up and chatted with the OM. We moved back into all these triggers and that's when I noticed a difference in him. Zero sex, depression, withdrawal. We did this for financial reasons, we basically had no other choice and have been able to put aside a nice chunk of change to get us moving forward and purchase a new home (a fixer upper dump but paid for). These were out plans and I know he would still want to move forward with this. This is where I stop understanding things. How can you actively talk about future things like buying a home, building equity and going into business with each other if you are not interested in the marriage anymore, if you don't care about the marriage. Having these plans for the future of course gave me a lot of hope and had me thinking positive.

He is not the type of guy to go talk to other guys about his feelings. If ya'll wanna talk about computers for him, I'm sure he'd be all for it but not the touchy stuff. He knows I'm posting and reading here, he's seen the tons of notification emails I get every day. My password for here is the same as I use for everything else I can think of. All he needs to do is click on a link in my emails. I'm not hiding it. 

Yes, pretty stupid to confessing to something I didn't do. I felt like I'm having thumb screws on and the only way to ease the pain was to admit to whatever he wanted to hear. The therapist compared it to the Spanish Inquisition and called the constant dwelling on the same thing over and over again obsessive.

Bottomline is: I do not know how to get him to talk or participate in working on the marriage. I don't know how to make him fall in love with me again. The only thing I see that was left for me to do is offer to let him go. He isn't happy about it and I know he doesn't want it. He said there's no hurry for me to move out, he doesn't think I should move out at all.
What he wants is for us to continue raising our daughter, put money aside to buy a foreclosure dump and work towards opening our own office. He loves me but is not in love with me. He has sex with me but says it's because I want it. He takes care of my car and doesn't mind me cooking his favorite stuff, be nice to him, exchange Christmas presents (his present to me was the most thoughtful thing you could ever imagine. Something that you could never buy with money). It's basically like a normal marriage and we don't fight about anything as long as I don't bring up the A.
I don't know what to call this. I don't know what to do with it. I need to know where I'm coming from and where I'm headed. I feel like I'm been falling around in the dark for 3 years. I need direction in my life. Staying together and making plans for the future but not being in love with each other does not make sense to me, it's not who I am.

I have paid $150 for divorce papers for my state, ordered online this morning. We are clear about all the specifics, there will be not fights. I'm not going to drop everything to fill out those papers asap and run to court with them. I'm not going to rush this along. I don't want the divorce at all but I will go through with it if I don't see anything coming from his side and I'm willing to take the smallest piece of straw that I can spot. I do believe that this marriage can be saved, I'm not a serial cheater, I have no reason to want other men, I want to be his wife but I can't do it all by myself. I need 1% from him, I'll do the rest.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Many times a BS will continue to punish the WS because they are seeking to cause them the same pain they have and are experiencing. While some of this is expected it can go on too long or become a vendetta quickly spiraling out of control. That may be what is occurring here. It may be that your H cannot forgive you at all and D may be the only correct choice. If you've done everything and have asked your H what else he needs from you then I don't see what more there is to do. Just tell him that you've been as honest as you can, you've apologized and you've tried to meet his every need. But unless he can work with you to heal your marriage then R will never happen and it's better if you split up. It may be that is what he really wants but hasn't got the courage to pursue.


A while ago, while we were still in MC, I had a bit of a breakdown because I felt more confused and lost about what to do than before MC. I completely freaked out. I ended up asking him to please hug me. He did and he took my face in his hands and kissed me. I can't say this in words but that statment was so strong it almost knocked me off my feet and I knew that no matter how hard it would get, I would not give up on him because there was something left to fight for. I believe he does want to hurt me or see me in pain. I think it's probably a natural response, like people want revenge for when they are wronged. If he would tell me "Look I know this hurts you and you are in pain but it helps me get over things." I'd be asking for all the pain he has to give to me. I know I deserve it and I'm willing to take it. But he's not saying anything. He's just not saying anything.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I know my thoughts are escalating right now and I'm about to loose it. Just need to write it down somewhere.
We just talked on the phone about our work situation. He wants to leave the current office we are working for an go independent and said I could go with him. Totally normal conversation, making plans. This is not right. We are a great team at everything other than making our marriage heal. We have worked through the worst financial crisis one can imagine. So bad we sometimes drove our daugther to Granny's house for a few days because there wasn't a quarter left to buy a chewing gum! And we worked through this as a family. We are raising a wonderful teenage girl, smart, mature (but messy!) and compassioate. The only reason why she hasn't been able to play hubby and me against each other is because we are totally on the same page when it comes to raising her and family values. How come we can't work on the darn marriage together? We can talk about anything else, solve problems, most things don't even need to be said, we already know what the other thinks. They call us Batman and Robin at work!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Here's what he said when we started filling out paperwork: We need to concentrate on putting enough money on the side to buy a forclosure so [daugther] has a home. We need to stop concentrating on the meaning of life or trying to find it on internet sites. We need to concentrate on pulling through our financial situation and worry about the marriage later.
He said he doesn't want to go through with the divorce for above reason. I do not know what to make of this!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Time to move on!


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Hi 
It's possible that your husband saw something about Terry and is now fixated on solving the mystery. It's also possible that he imagined it, or simply made it up as something to punish you with.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Things are going to have to run their course. I feel like I have done everything I can to be transparent, take poly tests, get tatoos, find out the reason for my A, MC, I understand his triggers. 
I don't care anymore what he thinks about Terry. I really don't care anymore. My husband is obsessed with certain things and there is nothing I can do about it. It will run its course, I'm not trying to save anything anymore because I can't do it all by myself. It's that simple. We are back on the same course we were before but I think there is a bit more effort from his side to work on things. That's good and I'm glad about it.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Why does it not matter to him?


Because you were unfaithful, and that will trump just about any proof of other things he thinks you lied about.




> Can someone explain why he reacts this way


Because more than not, people that have been betrayed think that if they have proof, or have all their questions answered, that they can get past things.

I can tell you, knowing the whole truth doesn't erase the anger of being betrayed.




> what I should expect tomorrow and the day after?


You'll never know. You have to realize, being betrayed by cheating is tantamount to emotional abuse. He is going through tons of emotions and feelings in his head. I can assure you, they are driving him crazy. My guess is he thinks about you betraying him every day and not an hour goes by that he doesn't think about it.

Will it diminish? Will he get over it for the most part? Only time will tell.

But seeing as this was 3 years ago, my guess is he isn't doing well with trying to come to terms with it. And you can't blame him for that. You can only decide if the marriage should continue or not. And if you decide to not, you can't put the blame on him. Again, he has these feelings and confusions because you betrayed him.

Why doesn't he believe anything even with what you might consider proof? Because after cheating, he can't really trust much of what you say. Even if you are telling the truth, which is admirable, this is the kind of cynicism you have exiled him with.




> How should I react?


Whatever you do, you shouldn't react as if you are the victim. Remember, you caused him this turmoil.

You can only decide that if he isn't going to try to move on, that its best for you, and him, to move on.


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