# I dont know how to tell him that lately, he sucks in bed



## andeypandy (Jan 19, 2012)

This may sound like a big vent but i am a little annoyed right now and emotionally aroused. 

I have been with my partner for 7 years. Outside of the bedroom things are fantastic but for the past 2-3 months I have been feeling unsatisfied sexually.

We have sex 3 times a week and most of the time, I initiate it. I think this is a problem and I should stop doing this. Sometimes I get rejected because he is bloated or has a headache. He has irritable bowl syndrome and is always bloated after eating certain foods. It makes me feel self conscious and like I need to stop initiating and even WITHHOLD sex. - something i have never done.. not so much to spite him or punish him but I just feel stupid always initiating and I want to make him think a little. 

I am 26 years old and modesty aside I am fit and take very good care of myself. I know he is physically attracted to me and gets aroused when we "flirt". However, sexually he has become very lazy . It makes me sad that I am in the prime of my life and having such issues.

For an example, before I would always orgasm, now he gives up quickly or doesnt spice it up. Sometimes during sex, he would just lay there and only focus on certain parts and forgets that I have a top half as well. God forbid he gets up and moves around and uses his hands a little more, no he has to get into a super comfortable position in order to go down on me and doesnt move around at all. ..Other times it is just too mechanical.

The other thing that really ANGERS me is that I feel that I have sexually spoiled him. I have never refused him a blow job or sex.. so he probably feels like he can have it whenever and how ever and therefore has become only a taker.

When I try to talk to him about it he gets angry. He says I am making up problems out of nowhere and that I just need to go with the flow instead of talking through everything. His EGO gets hurt and then I cop little attitude for a while before he is normal again.

He also keeps telling me I am putting pressure on him when I make comments. 

It makes me really sad because back in september we were having fantastic sex. Then he turned 27, he went through some work stress , some mood swings etc and now I am in this state where I have been unhappy for a few months and I am not sure what to do.

The other night we were having sex and i did make comments, but i decided to do it DURING sex. For an example, i decided, instead of DOING ALL THE FUN CREATIVE WORK, to just lay there and make him work. He decided it would be fun for him to flop on his stomach while he goes down on me. So i made a comment along the lines of HEY I have a top half as well.
Then he said "how about you come and jump on my face" so i said NO, for a change I would like you to do some work around me and for me to just relax and orgasm. I dont know if you;ve noticed, but i havent had one the last few times we were together and i want one. I GOT ONE. BUT i had to ask for it and I hate having to ask for it. What happened to the days of having the big O more then once in one session?


We were hanging out today, after i came home from hanging out with a girlfriend. We were hanging out and I (stupidly) made a comment like "how come I am dressed the way I am dressed and you are not trying to undress me? This really annoyed him and he was all "Well, when you make comments like that it pressures me". Then he was like "my tooth hurts".
Then we layed next to each other and he was like maybe you can help me out, so i tried and then we had sex. It left me feeling pretty empty like I had to coaxed it out of him. His enthusiasm for sex is lower then it has been in a while. He does it, but i feel like he would be OK not to. Why should i have to help him out? I looked AMAZING. Tonight i said to him "listen, you seem to make comments how i am pressuring you a lot with the comments I've been making, is that true? to which he replied "yes" so i said "Ok, I am sorry, i wont be making them any more" and he said ok

He always use to make comments like "im so lucky, i hope you always stay this naughty and sexual and if you dont, I will just make you cum all the time and you'll have to give in". He tells me he loves how naughty i am in bed and how he loves how i dress and look. Let me make it clear, I am NOT a star fish. I am not self conscious and i would be happy and open to do anything in bed.



I am contemplating the following :

1. STOP dressing sexy. Its trackies and jeans for you from now on. No more skirts, dresses, stockings, heels and fancy underwear. 

2. Stop initiating sex, and no more blow jobs either. No more HINTING sex, no more suggestive anything.

3. No more comments.

CAN anyone else suggest anything else? Clearly, a conversation is out of question because he will simply say that I am putting pressure on him, that we have sex 2-3 times a week and that I need to relax. etc It would basically be useless. I need to show him how i feel with my actions NOT my words.

I hope all of you guys who ARENT getting any, are taking notes. Because here is an attractive young woman who gets approached by men frequently and yet i feel rejected sexually

I just really need some advice here. I am feeling myself getting emotionally reactive and insecure, which is pathetic.


Its funny how we can talk about everything and anything except for sex. The minute sex is mentioned or anything sexual in a negative context , his ego is crushed and he is angry.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think you should keep having sex and stroke his ego a bit, since he seems sensitive. Try commenting on what he's doing right and what you love, and refrain from saying anything that will make him feel criticized. I think with some positive reinforcement he may come around. If not, switch to withdrawing to see if it gets a reaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

He sounds like a lucky guy, maybe too lucky. But cutting him off will probably just confuse him and make it worse. That will just piss him off and he WON'T take the hint.

You sound bossy and high maintenance. Instead of interrupting his game with your demands, gently tell him what you want/like in a sexy, non demanding way. like 'I really love it when you [email protected]#% my #$%# while you're *&^ing me. 

You are getting plenty of sex and he is going down on you lots and clearly willing to try other stuff. So if you can't talk openly about these things, the sex is the least of your worries!

And don't stop dressing sexy.. or wear a baggy sweatshirt with something sexy _under it._he might want to chase you a little. Don't be so easy and don't pout when he doesn't want to jump you right away. That would be a turnoff for me.


----------



## andeypandy (Jan 19, 2012)

Well today I made him pumpkin soup as he had a toothache and I went to his work to give it to him (i am currently on my holidays from work , so I have some extra time).

I try to stroke his ego and when he did please me (After being asked to and told to), I made sure I complimented him but I am not sure if i should be stroking his ego when he performs poorly or unenthusiastically. 

I am fairly supportive and listen to him vent about work and his stressful new project (which, I have found out will last till November).

We touch and kiss often and he gets physically excited each and every time when we kiss or when he touches me but, often, gets distracted and doesn't follow through. Instead, he grabs the LAP TOP to show me something on that. Damn that stupid box.

The reason why i mention the trackies/jeans is because I have become so use to putting in effort into how i dress that he has probably become use to my clothing, so now even when I am dressed very provocatively its like.. hey, its you again. Its no longer a surprise. A couple of gropes and mms and then, hey look at the TV, lets watch a basketball game together. OHh joy.

Today, he suggested that i was LIER because I was suggesting sex while he was suggesting basketball. I am not a lier, I ENJOY watching basketball with him, but not all the time.

I dont think I will reject him when he does try but I think i need to take a HUGE step back with the trying. I realise that i sound demanding but the whole nice talk which I have also tried doesn't seem to get him to do what I want him to sexually. All I hear is an "Aha" and then nothing. When I take things into my own hands and do 80% of the work and the things he likes, I get a very loving boy who sends me nice texts the following day as soon as he arrives to work.. but I dont get an orgasm.

Maybe I should be happy with what I have, but i dont understand why I cant have what I had a few months ago and why the sudden change.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

> The reason why i mention the trackies/jeans is because I have become so use to putting in effort into how i dress that he has probably become use to my clothing, so now even when I am dressed very provocatively its like.. hey, its you again. Its no longer a surprise.


exactly. If you look hot all the time he will take it for granted. If you don't give him the space to initiate because you are always trying to get some from him, he'll know he can have you whenever he wants, and you'll just be another amusement for him like something on his laptop. Pull back a bit and make it more special.

In my relationship it's the opposite.. I am the HD spouse, usually trying to initiate and I get turned down often. When I have to coax her it is just not as fun. The BEST times when we have sex are almost always when she initiates, because then I know she really wants me, and is not doing me some favor.

Oh, and don't be afraid to touch yourself while he's working his magic on you. I've always found this to be helpful myself - it gives us that extra push to the finish line.


----------



## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

Hi Andeypandy,

Just wanted to give you my 2 cents worth. Men can and do get lazy about sex with their SO. I did and I really think that it was a big part of my marriage's demise. Over time many men start to take things (especially their wives sexual needs for granted. 

I totally understand the things you talked about doing ie: not initiating sex any more etc. But this is really a passive aggressive way for you to behave. Also, I really don't think you will be very successful. Women are incredibly relationship oriented and when your husband does something nice or makes you feel special you will respond sexually and thats okay. Its just the nature of the beast.

However, please understand my dear this is the very thing that affairs are made of. A woman must feel wanted & loved and must be made to know that she is sexy. Women need to be listened to. These are basic needs for a woman. You have already mentioned that men hit on you. And if your needs are not met at home some day some man is going to say something to you that make your heart skip a beat and you know what leads to.

There is also a HUGE correlation with affairs and 7 years of marriage. Having said all this your husband needs a harsh wake up call. He could be playing with fire here. I have taken an intrest lately of reading quite a lot about infidelity. A lot of the stories have literally brought tears to my eyes. Somehow, somebody needs to wake you hubby up.


----------



## andeypandy (Jan 19, 2012)

Look, I am not going to cheat on him. It just isn't in my rule book. Id have to live with that and it would be a hell of a lot easier for me to leave him then to cheat on him and live with that. I am also pretty sure he is not cheating on me. All I want is a partner who tries a little more in bed. I want the man I bragged about to all my girlfriends back. Enthusiasm and willingness. 

He compliments me physically so its not an issue. 

Men say one thing and do another just like women. Men say that they want a woman who initiates sex and is suggestive, but if i am always initiating, it doesnt feel good. The only logical thing to do is to not initiate and to create a break from sex. I am not talking about rejecting him and being cold. I am simply going to stop trying. If its always there and available he just wont appreciate it.

What have you noticed in these threads? I have noticed that the women not getting satisfied sexually are the ones doing the work and initiating. The men complaining and lusting over their wives are the ones with women who appear to not be that interested in sex.


----------



## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

I'm sorry if I made it sound like I thought you were on the verge of cheating. I think we are basically saying the same thing. I think it is imperative that your husband be aware that your sexual needs are not being satified. I think men typically get caught up in work and/or sports and then one or more of the wife's needs are not being satisfied and that has a potential for disaster. If your needs are not met then over time resentment sets in.


----------



## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

What have you noticed in these threads? I have noticed that the women not getting satisfied sexually are the ones doing the work and initiating. The men complaining and lusting over their wives are the ones with women who appear to not be that interested in sex.[/QUOTE]


I totally agree


----------



## andeypandy (Jan 19, 2012)

Thats true, i guess I need to decide the following:

1. Take a non communicative approach

2. Take a communicative approach

1- can take time and may not be as effective.. there is a small chance he wont notice my change in behaviour.... but then again he may and he may ask me about it, then i can take approach 2 and actually tell him everything.

or

2. I take 2, hurt his ego, get into an argument and face a couple of weeks of him having tanties over the fact.


----------



## rd1011 (Jan 17, 2012)

communication is always better than non-communication but I've learned over time that men are typically not a verbal as women (not all men or some men all the time). So if you decide to talk about it, which I think is in your best interest, he may just hear blah, blah, blah, blah and turn you off. This is something that I think many mend should be trained NOT to do. It is very frustrating to women.

If he chooses to have a hissey fit then that is on him. He won't stay like that for long. And if it wakes him up it is well worth it.


----------

