# Am I being hasty and cruel?



## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I work technical support, 11a-11p on Mondays and 12p-11p the rest of the week. This has been going on for a year now and it has caused me a great amount stress and fatigue. I withdrew to my PC and became a bit cold.

My wife has been hanging out on Fridays with a single mom and her friends. I would come home late at night with strange people I have never met in my home and my wife so drunk it was embarrassing.

Well one week I had noticed my wife had not been wearing her wedding ring. She was on her way to Applebee's and invited me out and was quite rude about it. She sat with her back to me and made it a point to let me know she had locked cell phone. Now, I'm a very logical person and good at identifying problems. So, when I put the pieces of the puzzle together, I freaked out.
The next morning she had to take her friend to work and get her nails done then told me she may stop somewhere else but wouldn't say where.

That day I packed my things and started to leave when she came home unexpectedly. We had a long heart to heart and I agreed to stay and work things out. I promised I would not spend as much time on the PC and she would stop hanging out with the single mom drunkie crowd.

That night her friend came over and I was already on edge, I asked my wife to ask her friend to leave and she wouldn't do it. Well I already had it in my head that she was cheating on me, we walked out of the bedroom, she went outside to smoke and I found her friend laying on the couch just texting away. Well I blew up and stormed outside. Wife ran after me and it turned into this big mess where her mother came over and got involved.

During all this my wife had been hanging out with a friend from WoW on Friday nights. He is 42 yr old, divorced, single, fat, bald, half Asian male who is still "in love" with his ex-wife who dumped him for her ex-boyfriend. This guy had my wife out till 3am. I got home at 11:30 I got a text at 12:12 saying she would be home soon. 2am rolls around and she calls me telling me her single mom friend needed Childrens Tylenol and they had to stop at his place to get it since he has a son. I was ready to pulverize him and I couldn't figure out why since she was doing the damage.

Now we are in this tense state for the last 2 months where she keeps telling me she doesn't know what she want and I tell her I want her. Well this guy still comes over when I'm not home. I have told her I am not comfortable with it and she doesn't seem to care. She won't take responsibility for her actions and just keeps up with the "IDK" answers. She tells me she loves me and we have sex now several times a week. 5 times in the last 3 days. 

Monday, I told her she has until April 1 to make her decision. Am I acting rash?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What's rash is you not confronting WOW boy and kicking his a$$ if he comes in your house again. Do you have any doubt they have been intimate? 

GNO = DIVORCE almost every time sooner or later

Start here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

And here:

Married Man Sex Life

And here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lower sex drive OR more sex drive can be a red flag for an affair. Hopefully its more like hysterical bonding. Although that may mean she is getting over an affair. When she was giving yu the cold shoulder, who ws getting your attention. How does her posse treat you?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Postulio said:


> Monday, I told her she has until April 1 to make her decision. Am I acting rash?


 No you are acting Beta. You set logical and normal boundaries and she ignores them. Why would you give her until April 1 before taking action? Do your enjoy suffering and want it to continue for another month?

She has a single OM at your home when you are not there even when you told her to not do this. She is out till 3am with this OM as you wait at home. She locks her phone and ignores your feelings. You believe that she is cheating on you. You have no children. What exactly are you waiting for?


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

Yes I have my doubts they have been intimate. But then I want to believe she is innocent.

So I have been thinking about telling him to back off. But I am trying so hard not to play into his hands and be seen as a tyrant.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Lower sex drive OR more sex drive can be a red flag for an affair. Hopefully its more like hysterical bonding. Although that may mean she is getting over an affair. When she was giving yu the cold shoulder, who ws getting your attention. How does her posse treat you?


she get's very excited around me and has been trying taboo things with me. she sends me nake pics at work and dirty pics of things she wants to try with me.

The sex is red hot right now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Postulio said:


> Yes I have my doubts they have been intimate. But then I want to believe she is innocent.
> 
> So I have been thinking about telling him to back off. But I am trying so hard not to play into his hands and be seen as a tyrant.


Where in the world is ****blocking your wife being a tyrant. There is not a chance in the world it should even cross your wifes mind to have male friends over when you are not at home.
You are uncomfortable, a normal reaction would be, What the f*ck do you mean there has been a man here. What's his phone number? Somebodies getting their a$$ kicked.

Let me guess, she might call you controlling. Its telling her she can do whatever she wants, just not while she is a married woman. Its not controlling to have boundaries.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dude, she has been hanging out until 3am with another guy instead of home with you. She has him "over" when you aren't there .

Do you need photos? Ok put a camera in your house.

But she is clearly carrying on and is using increased sex to distract you.

You aren't bring hasty, if anything you are dragging it out and letting her have a month of cake eating.

Never accept competing for or negotiating for your wife's fidelity, ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she be accepting as you have been? I would get tested for STD's. You are in complete denial. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

with all the guys she's banging,it's only a matter of time before she gives you some disease. dump her azz and move on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> Yes I have my doubts they have been intimate. But then I want to believe she is innocent.
> 
> So I have been thinking about telling him to back off. But I am trying so hard not to play into his hands and be seen as a tyrant.


You are not dealing with the behavior you know about. You are not dealing with conflict as a confident man.

In general you tend to just get mad and runaway from things. Stop that. Be calm. Be firm. Take action and do not back down. Do not argue. Do not yell. Be the man.

You should have told her friend laying on the coach that she needed to leave because you needed to speak with your wife. If she gave you [email protected] you calmly call the police and have her escorted out of your home. You never lose your cool. Especially in front of the police. It does not matter if she is your wife's guest or not. You calmly tell the police she is not welcome in your house.

Why would you tolerate your wife disrespecting you? You need to learn to deal with issues in real time and not be a conflict avoider.

This is all about boundaries, calmness, assertiveness, confidence and action.

Why would accept your wife dating another man? Why would you allow another man to dominate you in your home with your wife?

You do not say. I am not confortable with this. You have a month to stop. You set the boundary and it starts immediately.

I have worked in IT my whole career so I know about this stuff. Yes you need to man up and stop neglecting your wife. BUT this is not a free pass for her to do this. You should have stopped this long ago.

At this point you may want to send her packing, get your life together, man up and find a better wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> Yes I have my doubts they have been intimate. But then I want to believe she is innocent.
> 
> So I have been thinking about telling him to back off. But I am trying so hard not to play into his hands and be seen as a tyrant.


You are not serious. Oh my. Heaven forbid her OM might see you as a tyrant. That would make you controlling and not a cuckold. What would the OM think?

The OM thinks you are a wuss and that he can dominate you and bang your wife and that you are not man enough to stand up to him. He gets off on that and worse your wife is getting off on him getting off and humiliating you. Unless you want to be a cuckold your wife dating this guy is her being unfaithful, disrespectful and humiliating. That is not attractive.

Yes he is banging her. Reality has nothing to do with what we wish were true.

Now is that crude. It sure is. Wake up. You are so passive that it make me wonder if your are pulling our legs.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> she get's very excited around me and has been trying taboo things with me. she sends me nake pics at work and dirty pics of things she wants to try with me.
> 
> The sex is red hot right now.


Get tested for STDs ASAP. This is called histerical bonding. 

What are you going to do if she gets pregnant? You will not know who the father is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Where in the world is ****blocking your wife being a tyrant. There is not a chance in the world it should even cross your wifes mind to have male friends over when you are not at home.
> You are uncomfortable, a normal reaction would be, What the f*ck do you mean there has been a man here. What's his phone number? Somebodies getting their a$$ kicked.
> 
> Let me guess, she might call you controlling. Its telling her she can do whatever she wants, just not while she is a married woman. Its not controlling to have boundaries.


They're telling you that you are are jealous, insecure and controlling. So stop interfereing with her having her toy on the side. In fact right now you are the guy on the side. Don't be surprised if he asks you to leave his home. You better learn to c0ckblock because this is just the beginning.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Dude, she has been hanging out until 3am with another guy instead of home with you. She has him "over" when you aren't there .
> 
> Do you need photos? Ok put a camera in your house.
> 
> ...


He is supposedly not there for her yet when he is off work she is out with other men. When he is gone she brings the men home. Wow. She has balls.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

Sorry I haven't responded, I am at work. don't have much time to myself. Thank you for the replies, I needed an outside opinion.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I just msgd WOW boy through Facebook telling him to stay away from my place.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

This is not about your wife's girlfriend, or her possible lover---THIS IS ABOUT YOU LAYING THE LAW DOWN TO YOUR WIFE, AND STICKING TO YOUR GUNS

What I wanna know is why an April 1 deadline----F'ING TOMORROW SHOULD BE THE DEADLINE

You may work, long wierd hours, but if you weren't working, what the F*CK does your wife think she would be using to live on---money doesn't grow on trees

You get in your wife's face MANANA, and you tell her, all this crap ends, as of YESTERDAY, or she can go see a D. atty to DEFEND a D. action---and you stick to your F'ing guns

Please stop telling us all about all your hot sex, your wife is doing nothing more than keep you satisfied while she plays you like a record, on a victrola.

Your wife is disrespecting you, you have no respect for yourself, and you let wierdo's come in and make themselves at home in your house

Let me tell you something---AT THIS POINT YOU ARE NOT IN A MGE., and I have no idea what you would even call it---but it is long past the time where you need to wake up, and do something about your life/future, with or without the woman you call a wife!!!!!!!!!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Postulio said:


> So I have been thinking about telling him to back off. But I am trying so hard not to play into his hands and be seen as a tyrant.


Congratulations you're not a tyrant. But in not being a tyrant, you have become her cuckold. I would prefer to be looked at as a tyrant.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Postulio said:


> I just msgd WOW boy through Facebook telling him to stay away from my place.


 Coming from you and not your wife lets him know that she does not respect your wishes when it comes to him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> I just msgd WOW boy through Facebook telling him to stay away from my place.


Ok. FB. You did not say your place and your wife?

Then you told your wife face to face that she is to have NC contact with him immediately or she could leave right now? 

Not ok, you can play around until April fools day.

The bottom line is that you cannot control your wife. You can only control yourself. There are no real boundaries here. For either of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This story is so pathetic (no offense, OP). 

Your wife is staying out til 3 a.m. with another man. You told her to end it, she won't. She even has the audacity to still bring him to your home when you are not there, to your total protests.

WHY are you dealing with this at all? Tell her to GTFO so she can go be wtih the OM. File for divorce, custody, everything.

She is being so incredibly disrespectful.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Wow. She has balls.


Yeah, his...in her purse.

OP, let me ask you this. If another man took your wife in front of you and bent her over and f*cked her...would you stop it or turn around and walk away because you were concerned about being seen as a tyrant? There are times to man up and this is one of them. Women respect men that establish clear boundaries. I want to quote something from Athol Kay's blog:

Married Man Sex Life: The Third Wheel...

_Because of basic propinquity, the Third Wheel/Best Friend is probably reasonably attractive to the girlfriend, and the Third Wheel has calculated that he's within Sex Rank striking distance of actually getting the girl. So the longer it goes on, the more her attraction will grow for him. Allowing another guy to hang around your girl endlessly is a weakness display, so that also increases her attraction as well._

If you don't show your wife that you are strong she will grow more and more attached to the OM. By then it will be too late and you will lose her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Yes I have my doubts they have been intimate. But then I want to believe she is innocent.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Oh man.... I laughed so hard I almost coughed up my spleen!


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Now she is ***** whipping him and he want to believe she is innocent. he dont know the fact that she is manipulating him with sex. poor guy.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I want to thank you all for your abrasiveness and poking fun at my situation. 

That being said, I have poured over what you said and taken it to heart. Last night when I got home, I grabbed her phone while she was talking to her WOW buddy and told him to come pick her cheating ass up. then I grabbed her keys took the key off and shoved her and her crutches out the door. (she got injured while horseback riding.) She is now sleeping at her mother's apt. and capt. wonderful still hasn't come to rescue her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You did the right thing, you drew the line and have taken the action. If she asks to come back you demand permanent no contact and she gives up wow. Are you paying for her phone, if so have it disconnected. There is no need for you to subsidise her bad behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

What is wrong with people out there. No one has any respect for anyone's sacrifices. I work 51 hrs a week. I have held down 2 jobs at 65 hrs week. I supported her when she couldn't find a job, I I took her to Europe when I joined the Army. Sure I had to go to Iraq, but I survived and came back. Sure I'm a little different due to PTSD but I still loved her and cared for her and gave everything she asked for. After 9 years this it what it comes down to.

I must be the worlds biggest ****bag to have this happen to me. This kind of thing should happen to people without morals. People who lie, cheat, and steal. And I must be deserving of it otherwise how is all of this happening? I now get to join the divorce club. I have to get back out there and date those god awful bar ****s just to try and make a connection. 
Playing those stupid head games, just to prove you may or may not have and interest in a girl with a 5th reading level who's been around the block more times than a driver's car. The days ahead are dark indeed. I think quote from 'Game of Thrones' fits here. 
"Winter is Coming."


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> You did the right thing, you drew the line and have taken the action. If she asks to come back you demand permanent no contact and she gives up wow. Are you paying for her phone, if so have it disconnected. There is no need for you to subsidise her bad behaviour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no going back. I never return to an ex. Once that line is crossed, they are erased from my history. 
My first Fiancee', left me for a dude with a better can than mine. I burned everything, pictures, gifts, cards, etc. This will be no exception. I will never admit to anyone that I have ever been married. I will erase her name and image from my life starting tomorrow (Sat). I am burning our wedding pics first off. I have begun stacking clothing and gifts from her parents, family and friends as they are going in the trash. I smashed my wedding ring flat with a hammer before going to work. The Kurig coffee maker I bought her is getting chopped up. The Kindle fire I bought this year from xmas will be smashed. The PS3 she bought me 2 years ago, I threw out in the street in front of her this morning when she was begging me to let her come back.

She has had it easy with me. I have been giving, loving, nurturing, understanding, open, honest, and down right ****ing foolish. It's time the tables were turned. I am going to cheat my ass off. I want to be like everyone one else. I was to break up marriages break their children's hearts. I want women to sob like they bleeding from their eyes. I am so sick of being the nice guy that finishes last.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Postulio said:


> There is no going back. I never return to an ex. Once that line is crossed, they are erased from my history.
> My first Fiancee', left me for a dude with a better can than mine. I burned everything, pictures, gifts, cards, etc. This will be no exception. I will never admit to anyone that I have ever been married. I will erase her name and image from my life starting tomorrow (Sat). I am burning our wedding pics first off. I have begun stacking clothing and gifts from her parents, family and friends as they are going in the trash. I smashed my wedding ring flat with a hammer before going to work. The Kurig coffee maker I bought her is getting chopped up. The Kindle fire I bought this year from xmas will be smashed. The PS3 she bought me 2 years ago, I threw out in the street in front of her this morning when she was begging me to let her come back.
> 
> She has had it easy with me. I have been giving, loving, nurturing, understanding, open, honest, and down right ****ing foolish. It's time the tables were turned. I am going to cheat my ass off. I want to be like everyone one else. I was to break up marriages break their children's hearts. I want women to sob like they bleeding from their eyes. I am so sick of being the nice guy that finishes last.


Settle down. Just because you bent over backwards being a nice guy doesn't mean you turn around and be an a$$hole. Do not make any decisions or tear things up before you have calmed down and think about what you are doing. Tearing up your property isjust cutting off your nose to spite your face.

You haven't been enforcing your boundaires because you haven't had any. Talk to your wife. She has picked up bad habits that she can change. Divorce isn't the answer to every problem. You might be surprised at how good a wife she can be now that you have established boundaries. Don't throw away wht you have until you know it is unworkable. 

She has gone overthe line but accept the fact that you have been lacking in leading your family.

As far as the rude comments that kind of thing comes and goes in waves around here. Its a misguided attempt to wake up th online posters out of their comfort zone. Pick what makes sense and ignore the rest. If any of it bothers you contact a moderator.

Some of the posters are going through hell and it shows up in their comments.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think OP has every right to get mad. In fact...I encourage. He's been way way too accomadating for far too long. Now his marraige = fail.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In the short term, expressing anger is actually healthy but in the long run it can be toxic and will poison the person's life and those closest to him.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Lighten up Francis. You know you're just venting and you know it.

Many times a newly betrayed comes on here and they are in their own fog of denial & disbelief, they often need that verbal 2x4 like a splsh of cold water on the face to shake them out of it. You're supposed to get mad t the situation you're in.

What you did was spoil your wife, and I suspect that she's a spoiled princess who either does not work or works very little. Noe you realize that you were not being a good husband by catering to her every whim. Horseback riding and playing WoW all the time? While you are busting your ass earning a living and she 
disrespects you and the marriage. You're supposed to c0ckblock another man from your wife. It's called protecting your marriage. Too many men are like you, so terrified of being seen as being controlling that they end up going to the other extreme and become doormats.

Whether you want to R or not, use this as a learning experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> I want to thank you all for your abrasiveness and poking fun at my situation.
> 
> That being said, I have poured over what you said and taken it to heart. Last night when I got home, I grabbed her phone while she was talking to her WOW buddy and told him to come pick her cheating ass up. then I grabbed her keys took the key off and shoved her and her crutches out the door. (she got injured while horseback riding.) She is now sleeping at her mother's apt. and capt. wonderful still hasn't come to rescue her.


Dude. Folks were trying to just wake you up. It is not about losing your temper to the point of uncontrolle rage. It is not about physically hurting your wife. It is about calmly and firmly asserting your self. Asserting your boundaries. 

Now if you have tossed the WOW guy out physically I would say good on ya.

Frankly you did pretty good. I think that telling him to pick her cheating @ss was not all that bad as far as she had taken this.

It is hard to tell from your post how much force you used. Maybe you just hastened her out the door.

Horseback? WoW? She has too much time on her hands.

Time to get your life back on track. Calm down. Actually I have pruposely in my life left my self somewhat exposed to certain people. My wife for one. Just to see if if they would take advantage. I do that at work as well. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me. It is ok to be a caring and loving person. It is ok to go the extra mile sometimes for those you care about. If they are worth anything they will respect you.
If they do not respect you ... cut them out of your life. The people we invite into our hearts we have to trust. Trust is earned.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Dude. Folks were trying to just wake you up. It is not about losing your temper to the point of uncontrolle rage. It is not about physically hurting your wife. It is about calmly and firmly asserting your self. Asserting your boundaries.
> 
> Now if you have tossed the WOW guy out physically I would say good on ya.
> 
> ...


no I just made her walk outside and locked her out. As for the Wow and horseback riding, she hasn't played wow for quite some time, and I took her horseback riding for valentines. 

We used to play wow together with people from my work. I brought the ass hat into our lives and this is how my faith and trust are repaid. **** both of them. She was let go from her job yesterday because she missed 24 days of work this year.

Now I'm going to strike hard and fast. I shut off her phone and I'm going to throw her clothes outside in the a pile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you know she was missing that many days? Makes you wonder what she needed all that time off for.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Lighten up Francis. You know you're just venting and you know it.
> 
> Many times a newly betrayed comes on here and they are in their own fog of denial & disbelief, they often need that verbal 2x4 like a splsh of cold water on the face to shake them out of it. You're supposed to get mad t the situation you're in.
> 
> ...


That frigging WOW is a curse, I wished to [email protected] I'd never let in our house, my wife hooked up with OM from WOW as well. It makes me laugh to look at the guy, unbelievable...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Postulio said:


> no I just made her walk outside and locked her out. As for the Wow and horseback riding, she hasn't played wow for quite some time, and I took her horseback riding for valentines.
> 
> We used to play wow together with people from my work. I brought the ass hat into our lives and this is how my faith and trust are repaid. **** both of them. She was let go from her job yesterday because she missed 24 days of work this year.
> 
> ...


Ok, glad you did not physically rough her up. When emotions are high there can be unintended consequences. Now again if the OM was there then you would have every right to give him a beaten.

Missed 24 days from work ... wow. I wonder what she did instead?


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

She missed so many days of work when she got sick for a week due her doctor not giving her the right antibiotic for a sinus infection and then her right knee is jacked up and from cheerleading as a teen, then she had 2 surgeries and now her knee is still swollen from horseback riding. 
But these are not my issues anymore. I hope she ends up homeless and alone for the rest of her life. people like here need to be punished. As for the guy, well, there is no reason to beat him up really. It really isn't his job to make sure a woman remains faithful or not. The burden is on the one who made the commitment.
So her phone is now shut off, her clothes are at her mom's, I took the wedding ring I gave her and flattened it with a hammer and threw the diamond into the desert. I also burned our wedding pics. I contacted an attorney on Friday as well.
I did leaver her the flattened ring for her sentimental values though.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well, no one can say you were not decisive!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

good job postulio!! exactly the same things i did after my dd.i burnt EVERYTHING of my ex's,stood outside drinking beer and burning.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

It's 4am here in AZ. I miss her so much, and I love her even more. I feel weak and sad. I just keep asking myself, "why am I not enough, why am I not worth the time and effort, why do my mistakes bear such dire consequences." Other men can cheat on and beat their wives/gf, be criminals, be controlling, diabolic, jobless, lazy, weak, unskilled, sloppy, ignorant, obese, smoke, excessively drink alcohol, and rude. Me, I'm a martial artist, an Iraq vet, I have a full time job, I care, and I'm honest and open. My biggest problem is I'm 5'2", but I can protect myself and others from harm. Sure I have my faults like anyone else but I'm really not that bad. It's only when I have been taken advantage of that I go demonic. I can have a very bad temper but not to the point of hurting people.

I really do hate myself for failing at yet another relationship. I not strong enough, tall enough, rich enough, good looking enough or just not enough of something I haven't found yet. I guess I need to read more, get fatter, meaner, uglier or something. Maybe there is just no hope for me. Perhaps I truly do not belong with the human race. If this wasn't an apt, I would smash every mirror here. I hate looking at myself. I just want to cry like a child and give up. I won't bleed like that though, I have my hatred of her to keep me strong enough to survive. 

But why does it always have to be this way? Why are they always ready to ditch me the first time a new **** shows up and so eager to try to hurt me as bad as possible. You'd think women just want me dead.

I feel like Alex DeLarge listening to Beethoven after "the Ludovico Technique", and if I were in a second story apartment, I would probably throw myself out a window. I really do hate dating and I don't want to go through it again. 

We could have been happy together if she just had some backbone, inner strength, faith in us, a sense of right right and wrong, foresight, or just some goddamned common sense.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your hurting, I suggest you step back and breathe. Go to the doctor for some help to keep you calm and rational . Don't make any more big decisions about your marriage until you have full control of yourself and given yourself some time to think through the process. She may still decide to come back and work on the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're married to a selfish, silly woman with a sense of entitlement. And like someone said before, you allowed her to get this way by not agreeing to, and enforcing, boundaries in your marriage.

Just take care of you for now. You are hurting and that is normal. Get to a doctor and get some meds if you need them.

Don't rush into things right now, take your time to process.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Postulio, are you drinking alcohol at all?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow, what a turn around. Sorry for the directness, but it can help clear away the fog. No one here thinks less of you for going through the process. They've all been there. You are now respecting yourself, your wife has now seen the man you are. She was rubbing your nose in it, and now her fog has lifted too. Now you are in the drivers seat, where the BS should be.

You are not a failure in this relationship. I would suggest getting some meds from the doctor. Keep posting here, the others are on your side and will help you.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm not truly suicidal, I was just hurting. after some sleep I feel better. No I'm not drinking alcohol, or smoking, or doing any drugs of any kind. No doc is going to give me anything to numb the pain. I want it as keen and sharp as possible so I will never forget. 

So what if she wants to come back to me? The point if her WoW friend had stepped up to take up my mantel she wouldn't want to. My decision is final. If I show an once of weakness now nothing will ever change and she will never have learned anything. Some people just need to take the hard road. In her case, she going to learn to be a good dog or she is going to learn to like the stick.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I think you should take a break. No woman will come back to a man who speaks like you are now. For the moment I will put it down to you hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> So what if she wants to come back to me? The point if her WoW friend had stepped up to take up my mantel she wouldn't want to. My decision is final. If I show an once of weakness now nothing will ever change and she will never have learned anything. Some people just need to take the hard road. In her case, she going to learn to be a good dog or she is going to learn to like the stick


Take your time and go dark on her for a couple weeks. Don't take her calls or e-mails. If you need to get info to her, go through her mom. 

You need to rest and collect yourself. Read up on the 180 and work the program. Flying off the handle only gives her ammunition to use against you. She can turn everyone against you by making you out to be a madman. Don't let her do this.

Have you exposed her to family and friends? Have you told the other mans family?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're in the initial rage and just venting, we get that. If you have to vent, then just vent here, not with her.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Take your time and go dark on her for a couple weeks. Don't take her calls or e-mails. If you need to get info to her, go through her mom.
> 
> You need to rest and collect yourself. Read up on the 180 and work the program. Flying off the handle only gives her ammunition to use against you. She can turn everyone against you by making you out to be a madman. Don't let her do this.
> 
> Have you exposed her to family and friends? Have you told the other mans family?


Her mom and brother are pissed at her and the other guy is single and was using her as a way to get back at his exwife. 

I really want to thank you all for giving me advice and validating my suspicions. It's good to know wasn't crazy or over reacting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Divorce her. She will never be trustworthy. And this is the kind of woman you do NOT need if you are working night hours.

Get rid of her. Ask her family if they will take her in.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just go dark and give her time to come out of the fog. Kicking her out was a huge wake-up call and earned you a bunch of respect points.

Ask her family to keep the pressure on her. But don't talk to her. Let her come to you. Give it some time and don't make any rash decisions yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Postulio, see if you can help Matrixd out. He sounds like he is in the same boat as you.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I'll look for his post.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

So, I let her borrow the car to go to a "job interview" and she went to his place. GPS tracker FTW. well she returned the car to me in tears. She came clean to me and told me what happened... over the last several months. She said nothing had happened, even though there was a mutual romantic interest. She went to his place to discuss moving in with him as his room mate and he told her no. He also told her the whole thing was some imagined situation in her head and he told her never to contact him again.

So she told me she was sorry she put me through that. She told me she was mad at me for working the long hours and for vanishing in to video game land and blatantly ignoring her. She doesn't care what I have doe with our wedding pictures or anything else. She wants me and has always wanted me. She was just trying to wake me up and to be the husband she fell in love with. I told her I would think about it and to get the F away from me.

What are your thoughts?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Post, she just asked this guy to shack up, gets rejected, and holy cow she's in love with you again. She lied to your face where she was going. What's changed?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Agree. She lied to you and took your car to meet her online fake lover, probably offered him a piece of a*s, got unceremoniously dumped on her keester, and then came back to you... her safety net. 

Ha! Then she had the audacity to blame her affair on you! Unbelievable!

This girl is an emotional infant not worthy to be called an adult. Getting dumped by two men in the same week should be a good lesson for her.

The answer you gave her was perfect. Sleep soundly tonight.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Post, she just asked this guy to shack up, gets rejected, and holy cow she's in love with you again. She lied to your face where she was going. What's changed?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

If you take her back, the OM could change his mind and have her anytime that he wants. That is not a very strong foundation to build your life around.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Actually, she probably had sex with him... and then he threw her out!


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I have taken all of this into account. She is right about me though. I do work long hours, I did disappear into my PC and video games, I did ignore her, I even said some very nasty things to over the last year. 

But that was in response to her lack of interest in doing/going anywhere with me. I wanted her to come get me, drag me by the hair kicking and screaming and force me to talk to her. And what did she do? Went out drinking and attempted to start up a love affair with someone. She basically took the easy way out and ran away. When the chips were down on my end and I felt her slipping away, I charged in like a mad bull and put her on the spot.

This thought process is really pissing me off. Really, I know she is being honest on most levels at this point, but what about later? What if these hours don't change, what if I get lost again? Will she be there or will I go through this again? 

Life moves in circles, if you want to change, you have to change your circle/pattern. Drug addicts never quit doing drugs when they hang with their old friends, they have to find Jesus and hang out with holy rollers. People are usually to weak to change on their own and they need others pushing them along. That's when they learn their lesson. If I take her back, she will go back to the way things were before this whole mess started 7 months ago. The WoW guy was only 2 months ago.

I know that I am now completely changed and things will not go back the way they were for me. I will have boundries, I will enforce them. If I want to do something with her and she doesn't I will either go myself or drag her along.

Realize that I am still in love with her and want her in my life. But I'm not blind nor over the pain. I am a wounded animal and prone to lash out. How does one prove their sincerity to another in a situation like this?


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

I will probably never trust her the same and will be unable to take her back. This is logic, what really counts. Trusting in my heart or gut instincts... I have learned my heart and gut instincts have crap for brains.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Agree. She lied to you and took your car to meet her online fake lover, probably offered him a piece of a*s, got unceremoniously dumped on her keester, and then came back to you... her safety net.
> 
> Ha! Then she had the audacity to blame her affair on you! Unbelievable!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You're only the back up plan and the ONLY reason she came back is because the OM didn't want to shack up with her. The fact is IF you stay with her, you will only be the back up until OM2 comes along, then maybe he'll take her in and leave you holding the bag.

She's unrepentant and blameshifting her affair on you. Don't stand for it. She's got some nerve telling you that crap after she went to OM to try to live with him.

You are no one's back up plan. Tell that to her face before telling her to GTFO.


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## Postulio (Feb 18, 2012)

fortunately, there are a plethora of stupid 21 yr old females to rebound with. Giggidy!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you take her back - make it contingent on her passing a polygraph.

ask her if she had sex with him yesterday.

ask if she has ever had sex with him.

I suspect she put out yesterday to get him in a good mood to take her in - and then she got dumped.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> fortunately, there are a plethora of stupid 21 yr old females to rebound with. Giggidy!


How about older women?

Get thee up to Scottsdale. Plenty 'o cougars in their sexual prime just lookin for a young male morsel like yourself.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think he dumped her. He did not want her full time. She just useful as a quick f*ck. How come it was a imagined situation if she confessed that it was mutual romantic interest.

Hello Mr. Stable backup who will pay for her.


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