# Of those in a minimal or sexless marriage



## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 12yrs. In the last several years the sex has really dwindled. First the economy took a dive, which caused him to loose his good job. This threw him into a depression. It has been a battle ever since. The sex didn't start to drop off right away, but steadily over time. I know that his attitude has something to do with it, but it's been 5yrs. We are now to the point that in the last six months we have attempted sex twice, completing once. He has recently been put on meds for diabetes. It was borderline so the doc said with the meds and diet modification sex should improve. He says he has the drive but no gas.... It doesn't get fully erect and gets soft easily. He says that even masterbation doesn't work. The thing is we are still very young.... I am 32 and him 38. We have decided that kids are not for us, so I imagined free and fun intimacy in our marriage. My question to those who find themselves in sexless marriages, HOW DO YOU COPE?? I feel as though I live with my best friend. As fun as that might sound, I want my lover back..... That is what I want most in my marriage.... Love and intimacy. I have not cheated and don't intend too, but the longer this goes, the more sympathetic I am to people who do.... I feel so disconnected. Do I stay? Is this what happens in all long term relationships?? He isn't the worst husband, and he loves me so.... I feel like I'm loosing my commitment to this marriage. We have discussed this, even seen a doc ( how we got the diabetes diagnosis), fought numerous times about it so he know how I feel..... Yet nothing. Not even a try. Help!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can he take Viagara or Cialis? How is his weight?

The worst thing about ED is even if it starts due to some physical/medical issue, it stays in their heads and doesn't leave. They wonder and worry, am I gonna get it up, will it stay up? Then they start avoiding sex and intimacy altogether. It's a bad sitch, that's for sure!

My best advice would be to stay as supportive as you possibly can. Buy some toys, vibrators, dildos... Bring them out and play with them each time you want sex. You use them, he uses them on you. It will promote a level of intimacy now lacking, but it won't take you all the way back.

What we found was that as we used to toys more and had fun and success (I'll say) my H's mind games became a little less troublesome. As his erections came back, we simply stopped using them all the time. 

My H still has sporadic ED, but now it's a nonissue. We just break out the toys.

Talk to your H about your need to be intimate and sexual with him. Make sure he knows that you understand this isn't something he can control and it's okay. Working together you two can tackle this very difficult issue. Silence kills, so don't allow it! Talk, ask questions, ask him to go down on you or take care of you with fingers and toys, or whatever works best for you.


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

man oh man. if sexually dissinterested spouses could just read these forum, I think so many issues would be resolved.

there is a lot of crappy advice, but more importantly its incredible how impactful this issue is to a marriage. I feel your pain Lovey, just like I feel so many others' pain on here.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Can he take Viagara or Cialis? How is his weight?
> 
> The worst thing about ED is even if it starts due to some physical/medical issue, it stays in their heads and doesn't leave. They wonder and worry, am I gonna get it up, will it stay up? Then they start avoiding sex and intimacy altogether. It's a bad sitch, that's for sure!
> 
> ...


This is very good advise and along the lines of what I was going to say. 

At his age this is all most likely in his head. But it's in there deep and will take some time and a lot of work on both your parts to get it out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I have diabetes myself. 
If he is overweight he really needs to lose the extra. If not in good control diabetes can effect a persons interests and attitude negatively. ED meds work very well for me but I also just really like sex and I am HD. 

My wife and I chose not to have kids also. She is not really high drive and we have sex usually once a week but she is almost 50.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

How do you cope?...you just do. You control how you feel not your spouse.

I think no matter where you are in the journey you have to make peace with yourself. In my case I offered my wife a 4 yr window and during that time frame I got the "I'll try", "I'll try harder" and the "You won't believe me but yes I will try I promise" also during that time frame I got her to admit we have an unresolved issue, that needs remedied in a timely fashion. She also assured me she could handle it. I guess handle it means doing nothing concrete. That is not to say we are sans improvement but sex is still missing.

Here we are now... I cope and I stopped talking about sex. My wife is not deaf or dumb.

I believe at some point things will turn around based on the fact its not medical but rather some midlife thing. I also will hold her accountable should she continue to show no progress as her time has essentially run out... so its a race against the clock in my mind.

I guess what helps is i did my best and have absolutely no regrets in how I handled it. She had every reason to change so the inaction is on her the only fault I have is not holding her accountable but that will come should we not resolve sooner rather than later...times up.

OP what you are struggling with is life... life is unfair plain and simple with peaks and valleys.
You have free choice... make a choice and move on with that choice.
Hope for change in your spouse but do not expect change. 
Things will change when your spouse decides to DO SOMETHING you have no control over when or if that happens.

Just take some comfort in the fact that many marriages are in the exact same state.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lovey, when you posted almost a year ago, you said your husband mentioned the possibility of low testosterone, and was thinking of getting tested. Did he ever do that? What was the result?

I was actually going to suggest that, but checked your other posts, first. Yes, depression and diabetes can often cause sex related issues. That is likely a big part of what's going on with him. But, if his testosterone is low, that won't help, either. I'm actually going through that with my husband... he's getting injections for his low T. He's only 32.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Lovey, when you posted almost a year ago, you said your husband mentioned the possibility of low testosterone, and was thinking of getting tested. Did he ever do that? What was the result?
> 
> I was actually going to suggest that, but checked your other posts, first. Yes, depression and diabetes can often cause sex related issues. That is likely a big part of what's going on with him. But, if his testosterone is low, that won't help, either. I'm actually going through that with my husband... he's getting injections for his low T. He's only 32.


Good point! His doc probably saw the blood sugar issue and stopped looking. Maybe this is a straight testosterone issue?


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Just take some comfort in the fact that many marriages are in the exact same state.


When we were sexless my wife tried to use that crap on me. Most of our friends have bad sex lives. Why should ours be any different. I pointed out to her that there had been affairs In the marriages of two couples we knew. And asked if she was OK with our marriage being another one. Happy to say things are looking up now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> When we were sexless my wife tried to use that crap on me. Most of our friends have bad sex lives. Why should ours be any different. I pointed out to her that there had been affairs In the marriages of two couples we knew. And asked if she was OK with our marriage being another one. Happy to say things are looking up now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's all about boundaries! You get what you settle for. T2 has settled into a wait and see game and calls that a boundary. No amount of talking or posting can sway him from his mission of waiting and seeing if she decides to throw him a bone. And...she hasn't.

My husband used to pull that crap on me too. I really don't care what other marriages have or don't have. This is what I want and need and I won't settle for less. You in or out dude?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Good point! His doc probably saw the blood sugar issue and stopped looking. Maybe this is a straight testosterone issue?


That's pretty much what happened with my husband and his previous docs. Each said "No way it's testosterone." One even thought sex once every other week, or less, was normal. Ummm, no. I do NOT think so! She seemed to buy into that "Women don't enjoy sex" myth. Anyway, his current doc was given the request. He said "I really don't think it's that, but we'll check." He did it to humor me, I think. When the results came in, he was shocked... even SAID "How did we miss this?!?!" So, yea, if you want to even rule it out, get it done. Even if you choose not to go with injections or creams or whatever... Don't back down.


----------



## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

When went to the doc a year ago we mentioned him possibly being low T... The doc ran tests and his testosterone was fine, this is when we found out about his blood sugar. He was never overweight but as soon as hr started his meds he dropped about 15lbs. 

As far as the Viagra, the doc gave us a prescription and it seemed to work fairly well. But our insurance isn't that great so it is pretty expensive for a couple of pills. I'm also concerned with the effects these meds can have with his diabetes. 

I have toys, but we've never really used them together. I feel a little shy about trying to bring them into the bedroom together but it's an option we haven't tried so it's worth a shot. 

I also think that our sex drives don't match. He says he doesn't think about it as much. I feel like it's an essential part of a marriage.... I know that this is a common problem with married couples and that makes me very sad. I don't want that life. I don't need over the top romance or nightly trysts, all I'm looking for is at least some consistent connection.


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

It happened to us, too.

I thought I could cope. Did, for years, but it hugely damaged the marriage. 

For some time my sex drive shut off completely, but the marriage was still going inexorably downhill.

Then my libido came back with a bang. I found I couldn't cope. Nearly left him. 

He said he didn't even think about sex much, and he had ED. Viagra works for him.

I would encourage you to get him back to the doc to explore other issues. Like Anon Pink said, it does not leave their heads. We actually managed to have successful PIV the morning after the day before, when he had taken his Viagra. It was a total surprise but he was convinced that the Viagra must somehow still have been in his system. Still, if Viagra is a useable crutch, I'm not complaining.

I would urge you not to take "no" for an answer for too long. It will eat you up eventually.


----------



## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

Yes a year ago we went to the doctor and they tested his testosterone, turned out to be witching normal range. That is when we found out about his blood sugar. He is lot overweight at all. 

We have never used toys in the bedroom, I'm a little shy about it. But it is worth a try since nothing else works.

I also feel that he may have a low sex drive. I never thought of myself as a high drive, but now I might reconsider. I understand that many marriages may be like this, but I don't want that to be mine. That is not the way I envisioned my relationship to be.

He has taken Viagra and it worked okay, but I'm concern on the effect it has on hid diabetes. Also, our health insurance isn't that great so the prescription is pretty expensive for just a few pills. 

Over all the worst part is the lack of interest. I love him so and want/ need to be with him sexually. It's not something I need to think about, I just feel it and it's horrible to know that the person you love does not have the same kind of need for you.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You just deal with it. The other options are leaving and cheating.

I havent coped very well in my sexless marriage, but I guess I have just given up totally, because i just dont care anymore. I take care of my own needs and have been for a long time. I have gotten so used to it that sex is really awkward when it does happen. 

If sex is going to be so in frequent, i would rather not have sex at all. Just makes it harder to start the process all over again. Going on 6 months.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Good point! His doc probably saw the blood sugar issue and stopped looking. Maybe this is a straight testosterone issue?


I'm in my 50's - I have Diabetes but I stopped it in it's tracks by losing some weight (not a great deal but some 5-8 Kilos). Losing weight is a struggle but I eat well (still a little too much) and exercise 3-4 times weekly. I have normal blood sugar levels. This was diagnosed 4 years ago. Around the same time I was diagnosed with low Testosterone and have been on hormone replacement ever since. I use the Testogel satchels. Low T and Diabetes seem to go hand in hand or it did for me. The great news is that I have never lost my sex drive which is why it is such a shame to sit back in these great years and have nowhere to direct my sexual desire. I will change this - either my WS gets with the program or I move on to someone who likes to get it on.


----------



## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

due to recent issues I fall into sexless category, my wife is just not interested at all.....


----------

