# Another back slide of my progress



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

So today I had a backslide again. I had the kids the last two nights, dropped their stuff off at the house for my wife after taking them to school. Wife and I got into it, she asked me why I've been weird to her lately, that she has been trying so hard to make this as easy as possible for us. She tries to ask about my day, she says I just say yes or no answers. Well duh, I told her we are not best friends anymore. I told her that I lost a wife and a best friend. She says that she has lost a lot of friends, that people look at her as the cold hearted (female dog) and I'm the victim, that I get all the sympathy, that people can't understand why she is doing what she is doing, yada yada. I then told her that I'm just mad because it felt like she didn't fight for me, that I felt like I was disposable. She then said that she fought internally for me, went to counseling, talked with her mom. This made me mad because I told her that outwardly she knew I was fighting for her, texting her, talking to her, etc. She then basically yelled at me because she says it's not fair for people to judge how she handled this, why she is doing this, etc. She then tried to make me feel guilty because when the kids come back from my house they are sad and depressed because they see me sad. She said that she always tries to be strong for them. Well I told her I had to move out of the house, I don't get to see them everyday like I want. SHe then tried to say that she is still the same person, I'm like no way you changed. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know if she is in a fog still, or just now basically this cold hearted woman that makes me feel like everything we had didn't matter. It just sucks because I loved her so completely, that I couldn't (sometimes still can't) imagine my future without her. SHe said that her counselor told her to stop worrying about the future, live for the day. There is just so much about "us" that I miss, Playing with her hair, sitting on the couch together watching our shows, etc. I told her I feel like I don't matter to her anymore. She says I do, but it's all probably lip service. She says sometimes people "just fall out of love". I told her I don't believe that, I said I believe it's a choice people make. She tried to play the angle then at how hard this life is for her, and she knew that it would be a hard life. God I could I still have feelings for this person. I wish I didn't find her so attractive still, or yearn for her physically. Inside she is so ugly to me, why can't I get past this? She obviously has gotten past me. I don't know which woman she is anymore, has she completely morphed into this cold hearted woman? I don't even know why I still care about someone so much who obviously doesn't give two craps about me. Maybe I'm afraid of the future, maybe I tied my self worth into her so much. 

She then even had the gaul to mention that she thought she had someone in mind for me that would work out for me in the future. Are you serious, what is that about? How can she be so callous towards someone she used to love so much?


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Mate my heart goes out to you, I find myself in a similar position and my wife has re-written history to prove that we were never (or she was never) happy. I am lucky we don't have children, but if I were you I would focus on the kids cos they look at you through honest eyes and they will know you love them and they you for the person you are. People change my friend my wife has but some people get stuck in the past and romanticise (me). Its tough in the past and I have no answers how to move to the present, not even the future cos thats too scary. I really hope you will start to feel better sooner rather than later, the rejection is the biggest hurdle and I feel that also, I have quit trying to convince her she is making a mistake and I am now trying to convince myself that she is not in fog but making a decision based on her needs selfish this may be, good luck


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Man I guess that was the last false hope I was holding on to, not reconciliation, but the fact that she was/is in a fog, instead of just fundamentally changing who she is. It's like by her changing this, it makes the memories I have of have tarnished somehow. I'm hurt by her telling me that I was a great husband, am a great father, that I was her best friend, her rock, etc, but yet she still fell out of love with me. She said the last couple of years she felt like we were roommates. I told her that happens sometimes in marriage when children are involved, different schedules, etc. However we always were intimate, I tried to make sure the feelings were out there. I guess it just hurts that I can't believe her when she says she misses me, or thinks about me. It feels like lip service to me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Proud, she sounds confused herself. I'm glad she is being treated like that I hope my H is too (but I doubt it) he has disconnected from our friends and just hangs w/ his. You say she is cold... she is disconnected which makes them feel this way to us (my H included) we try to do it when we pull a 180 (maybe we don't seem as cold as we should to them). I totally believe that love is a choice maybe you getting it out their she will think about that a little bit. Maybe you planted a seed. 

It takes a while to come out of a fog and figure things out... she could still be there. Maybe reality hasn't hit yet...she hasn't seen had time to see the other side isn't as great as she was thinking. 
My H has re-written history to fit his needs and I'm so tired of it. 

Trying to suggest a fix up is just wrong! I hope you gave her a "look" to show how stupid that sounded coming from her mouth.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@mamatomany,
Why is it so hard to move on? Clearly by her actions and words, she doesn't love, doesn't even respect me right now. 

God if I met her on the street and got to know her, I would never try to be with her.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> God if I met her on the street and got to know her, I would never try to be with her.


Bingo. That's your anchor, my friend. Move forward.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Proud, I don't know... I know my H told me several times this past 3 months that he would never be able to have sex w/ me and yet I am holding on to him (and I need sex)... it's hurtful and he's said it before to my face and via chat/text. They are being mean and yet we hang on because we know that they aren't usually like this and that we know that we fell in love w/ them... she had your children. 

If I met my H in the bar... grocery store... I'd still flirt.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Mama,
Yeah I picked the kids up yesterday, and I couldn't help but notice how good her butt looked in the jeans she was wearing. It took all my might not to grab her butt, even though I know she wouldn't have stopped me. She had the nerve to tell me today that she still thinks about our kisses, etc.

God it's been over two months with her, I can't imagine having sex with someone else. We were so good for 11 years, I was always a gentleman in terms of making sure she was "happy". 

The whole thing sucks. What hurts the most is last night both my kids told me they want to move in with me, that they miss their Daddy. Heartbreaking.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I'd love it if mine grabbed my @ss ... he won't touch me and hasn't in months. (yeah, I am starting to sound pretty pathetic even to me)

Maybe she just needs more time... to remember how good it was?? How old are your kids? Are you in an apt? Has any official paperwork been filed? Sorry I can't remember...


I'm sure mine would say that to their dad but mine want him back here not to live in two houses. Right now we haven't even said that daddy moved out he's either just away at work or staying in a hotel. When he comes over it's for a few mins but never more than 2 hours. It's more like 'babysitting' no real activities, which is okay because I am the one who takes them for fun stuff and makes them do their homework... I would hate for my kids to be torn between which parent to live with.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah the divorce petition was filed in January, so sometime in May we will have our court date. I moved in with a coworker for the time being. The kids come over and visit me. It's tough because where I live now, is no where like I used to live. I miss it all. I feel like I'm doing the time for her crime, pardon the saying. She tried to make me feel guilty that I have all this extra time now, and she doesn't. I told her I don't like having all the extra time, I'd rather be back at home. The kids, 8 year old son & 5 year old daughter do tell me all the time they want me to move back in, and I do to. 

On a side note, it's funny how when you do things at the time they seem so insignificant but when you don't have that anymore how significant it is. I was thinking this time last year we went out with a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday; now this year she is going out to celebrate and I will be sitting at home :-(


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Man I guess that was the last false hope I was holding on to, not reconciliation, but the fact that she was/is in a fog, instead of just fundamentally changing who she is. It's like by her changing this, it makes the memories I have of have tarnished somehow. I'm hurt by her telling me that I was a great husband, am a great father, that I was her best friend, her rock, etc, but yet she still fell out of love with me. She said the last couple of years she felt like we were roommates. I told her that happens sometimes in marriage when children are involved, different schedules, etc. However we always were intimate, I tried to make sure the feelings were out there. I guess it just hurts that I can't believe her when she says she misses me, or thinks about me. It feels like lip service to me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Yeah the divorce petition was filed in January, so sometime in May we will have our court date. I moved in with a coworker for the time being. The kids come over and visit me. It's tough because where I live now, is no where like I used to live. I miss it all. I feel like I'm doing the time for her crime, pardon the saying. She tried to make me feel guilty that I have all this extra time now, and she doesn't. I told her I don't like having all the extra time, I'd rather be back at home. The kids, 8 year old son & 5 year old daughter do tell me all the time they want me to move back in, and I do to.
> 
> On a side note, it's funny how when you do things at the time they seem so insignificant but when you don't have that anymore how significant it is. I was thinking this time last year we went out with a bunch of couples to celebrate her birthday; now this year she is going out to celebrate and I will be sitting at home :-(


I have three around those ages. They all the time ask their dad to stay home (even though nothing of his is left in the house - we have not told him he moved out). I hope he feels GUILTY as h3ll when they ask him. They won't let ANYONE leave the house w/o a big good bye (kissing, hugging, when will you be back)ritual. He is blind to it (when he is here to see it). 

I guess we need to remember to appreciate the little things in life more than we do... we are always so busy just surviving and dotting all the "i"s crossing "t"s we forget.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah, it kills me because "my thing" that I would always do at night with the kids was read them a story every night. I love reading, and I try to instill that in my children. Now, because my wife is so busy now with eveyrthing I know they don't get read to everynight. My baby girl told me this one night, made me cry.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Okay, it's a little different but can you skype w/ them nightly and read them a story that way??


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No, unfortunately I can't.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> @mamatomany,
> Why is it so hard to move on? Clearly by her actions and words, she doesn't love, doesn't even respect me right now.
> 
> God if I met her on the street and got to know her, I would never try to be with her.


Proud you know what you should do? Cut the chit chat with her! When she engages you about anything other than the kids you should just turn around and walk off! Don't talk with her about anything but business. You have already said everything you need to say to her. She likes the power she has over you. She likes jerking your chain and like a puppy dog you engage with her every time. 

Just shut your emotional door on her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why were you the one to move out and be away from the kids.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

She does in home daycare from the house; I guess I was taking the high road, in hind sight I regret the decision.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Hi proud,
sorry for previous post ****ty mobile phone, mate I really hope you are ok, I know right now you seem to be living in a world of hurt but by all accounts it gets easier. I dunno yet but I can only hope. I suppose if it is over it is over and we both must come to terms with that somehow. I am looking at different things to do e.g. hobby etc and hope this will take my mind of things for a while. you take it easy and enjoy the time you have with the children they seem to love you and when they are a bit older they will respect you even more.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Hi Hurt,
Yeah I now start the stretch of five days in a row of not seeing my kids. I might surprise them at school tomorrow for lunch, they will like that. My soon to be ex wife gave me the guilt trip today that I'm making the kids sad when they stay with me, and I need to be more upbeat for their sake. I'm trying, but they are sad because she is blowing up the family stability.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Hi Hurt,
> Yeah I now start the stretch of five days in a row of not seeing my kids. I might surprise them at school tomorrow for lunch, they will like that. My soon to be ex wife gave me the guilt trip today that I'm making the kids sad when they stay with me, and I need to be more upbeat for their sake. I'm trying, but they are sad because she is blowing up the family stability.


I talked to my IC about this. I try to be strong around my kids, I am the one left making excuses for their father's behavior. I told her sometimes I break and I just can't keep it together... she said it's okay, I didn't choose to be in this position. Your wife is mad because she is looking bad to her friends, family and maybe even her kids... she did this and she wants you to feel bad. If she didn't ask you to leave I would maybe having something else to say but you have the right to let the kids know you miss them terribly. You probably aren't bad mouthing your W (guessing). They need to know it's okay to feel sad and that you have emotions.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

i completely understand your feeling proud, as i was married for 7 years to mvstbxw. together for a total of 9. she has been so cold to me since she admitted her EA. just two days before she said this we were out for a wonderful italian dinner, followed by a phillies game the same night. we even had relations the night before the EA came to the surface.. these woman are crazy, as not too long ago my wife was saying how happy she was she that she had me. then a crazy change in her. i feel like i never even knew her, almost like shes someone who was in a bad accident which changed their personality. i have three small children who would prefer to live with me so i feel your pain. i still dont get where those thousands of nights together went. all the hugs, i love yous and, kisses. gone overnight. ill never understand it, so i dont try anymore. it hurts like hell thats for sure. none of its a big deal to her, its just all so matter of fact. i feel like i never mattered, like i was some fling.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Mike...you described it perfectly, I feel like I don't matter to her, or I only matter when she is feeling sad (which is few and far between now). All those nights, all those times talking about our dreams for the future, for our family, for our children, now its all gone, as if it was just a bad memory that can be erased. So much for the women wanting the Prince Charming.
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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

my situation developed back in august, hard to believe its been 6 months already. i kinda thought in the begining that after a few months she would come to her senses, but its not so. pretty much as cold as when it happened. i did get a half ass apology saying im sorry i hurt u, but she sure as hell wasnt broken up about it. i tried till november, then gave up. she has sinced moved forward with divorce and could care less. ive read alot of your posts and your situation is very similar to mine, and i feel for ya bro i really do. this has damn near killed me. i think oneday your wife and mine will regret their decisions, but it will take them being dropped on their ass to see it. i feel like im all my wife has ever known as we married young, me 22 her 20. so she doesnt really appriciate me. she thinks all men are like me if not way better. oneday after shes been circulated through a series of other relationships she will look back and realize she traded one set of problems for another. once the honeymoon phase wears off and day to day life sets in with someone else she will realize it wasnt worth destroying a family over. i feel this in my heart though im sure ill never hear the words from her. i suspect your wife will feel the same. i think alot of times woman can never just accept the fact they may have gotten it right the first time and think some magical carefree life awaits. one thing that should comfort you as it does me is that my kids will always know i didnt destroy our family. i am so happy im not the one that did it, cause i know it would have lead to lifelong regret. oneday my boys will have woman of their own and will realize what she put me through, and respect me even more because of it. but as i said earlier, until these woman see what they think they are missing its like talking to a wall. i got news for ya i dont think people will be lined up around the block to take my wife and our three kids in. most likely anyone she finds will also have kids, and dealing with step children is hard. so i really dont think her life will ever be puppydogs and icecream. the same applies to your wife. they have no idea what they are in for. keep this in mind


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mike and proud - I feel your pain and understand your hurt but please don't think that all women are like your wives. Men do this too. My H has left me after 18 years and 3 children to go and find himself. I am devastated. Everyday is a struggle! Men also forget and rewrite their marriage history, they trade us in and think there is a better life out there for them. And as you do rightly point out Mike, who in their right mind is now going to want me and my 3 kids!! When he just gets to swan off to find himself!!
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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Daisy, there are plenty of people out there who would love to be with you and your family, many people have their own families at weekends etc but there is no reason that having a family should stop people being interested in you for who you are. Its not men and women its just selfish individuals from both genders. People can be so uncaring seems like at the flick of a switch. We are all trying to move on here I try to take one hour at a time am not in the days yet only been 3 weeks although I have had some ok days. Take care


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

mike82 said:


> the same applies to your wife. they have no idea what they are in for. keep this in mind


Possibly, but would you want a spouse to come back to you because you're simply an option?

If MC works for people, then great. In my case it didn't - she wanted out. Friends think she is romanticizing the idea of having her own apartment and her independence, and when that wears off the will realize what she has lost. But if she wants to come back, I would not welcome her with open arms. Not after this. I will not be her fall-back option. Along this journey, I am reclaiming my self-respect and strength which I'd lost being a "nice guy".

As much as I feel for anyone going through this pain, beware of false hope and a mindset where you think your spouse will suddenly "see the light" and want to return. If they come back with an open heart and want to truly work things out, that's one thing. If they see you as a safety net, that's another, and the problems are bound to resurface in time. 

Bottom line - why would you want to be with a person who does not want to be with you? 

It took me 2 months to get over the pain and "woe is me" phase. I felt like a victim and hit rock bottom. I am finally in the process of being able to let go. Not there completely, but in a much better place. Have faith in time, but remember it's what you do with that time that will heal your wounds. See an IC, exercise, apply the 180 rules, get enough sleep, eat well, see friends, visualize yourself as a happy individual (thought does drive emotion), see family, walk, etc. If you're part of your own solution, you will feel better as the weeks move on. 

I know what it's like to feel stuck in the grieving process - it sucks, and you feel hopeless, as if it's never going to end. My grieving is not over, but I feel better than I have since this nightmare started. All because I followed the advice I gave you, and also listened and applied the wise advice of fellow TAM forum members.

I know you're hurting, but *be part of the solution*.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Mike and proud - I feel your pain and understand your hurt but please don't think that all women are like your wives. Men do this too. My H has left me after 18 years and 3 children to go and find himself. I am devastated. Everyday is a struggle! Men also forget and rewrite their marriage history, they trade us in and think there is a better life out there for them. And as you do rightly point out Mike, who in their right mind is now going to want me and my 3 kids!! When he just gets to swan off to find himself!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

mike82 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @ daisy. Dont worry dear someone will love to be with you oneday. Dont get discouraged. I often think the samething about myself, who in their right mind wants a guy with three kids. My point about my wife is, theres no doubt that she will find someone despite having three kids, but her life will be more difficulr than it was, and it wont be all rainbows for her. Having grown up with a step dad we butted heads often, its not easy, nor will it be for my wife. I think that she really thinks guys with no kids will embrace her and take her in, because these days shes so into herself and thinks shes so wonderful. But i think whoever she ends up with will also have kids which is an added stress and new problems she never had, like i said in a previous post one set of problems for another. And ruining our family over such b.s. Its unreal. But again daisy dont worry theres an a.s.s for every seat, so oneday u will find someone. Meanwhile someone else can have my wife and her selfish qualities. Her unhappiness is within herself, and tossing me out wont eliminate that.
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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> Her unhappiness is within herself, and tossing me out wont eliminate that.


Well said. My wife left because she was unhappy, but couldn't say why. When she also said she didn't love herself, I realized there was little I could do about it, but I tried.

As you said, there is a cover for every. Onto bigger and better things, and authentic, loving relationships.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

@ canguy, no i dont want her back anymore theres a time i did, but this whole thing that has happened will never go away, to much to get over. There would always be a huge elephant in the room. I know what shes capable of now and i could never rest easy and would always feel as thougj it would be a matter of time before she went off the deep end again. The quality that i respected and loved about my wife was that she was an honest, trustworthy, woman. That quality is gone. And could never be restored. Would i like her to realize she f'd up oneday, absolutely i would be lying if i didnt. But i cant base my life on it and wait for her to. I have to assume she never will, and move on. Like i said before i think she will realize it but im sure ill never hear it. To much pride on herpart. But knowone will ever love that woman like i did. Someone could have thrown acid on her face and i would have never left her side. Lets see how many other guys love her like i did. It will hit her someday im sure
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