# Damn those triggers!!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Been doing brilliantly with Re his EA. really moving on. No anxiety for a couple of weeks then BAM -
Got a txt message from my daughters girl guide leader reminding us of guide camp on May 16th, my Dday!! The day last year that my DH gave me 'the speach', the day before I found out about his EA and today the anxiety is back.
I can cope with the tears and sadness, that passess but this bloody anxiety cripples me.
How do the rest of you deal with the approach of your first years Dday? I'm dreading it. His EA took place over a 6 week period last April. Started during the Easter school break and I just know this is going to be a difficult time for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Been doing brilliantly with Re his EA. really moving on. No anxiety for a couple of weeks then BAM -
> Got a txt message from my daughters girl guide leader reminding us of guide camp on May 16th, my Dday!! The day last year that my DH gave me 'the speach', the day before I found out about his EA and today the anxiety is back.
> I can cope with the tears and sadness, that passess but this bloody anxiety cripples me.
> How do the rest of you deal with the approach of your first years Dday? I'm dreading it. His EA took place over a 6 week period last April. Started during the Easter school break and I just know this is going to be a difficult time for me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have some of these thoughts my self. Our anniversary is 2nd March and D-day +1 year is 22nd April. I am not looking forward to these days but I am considering two options:

1. Take the day off, tell my WW to leave me alone and let med mourn these days.

2. Convince myself that these dates are days just like any other day - it's just my own thoughts that are making them into something special. So let the thoughts pass by, noticing them, recognizing as thoughts, and thoughts only.

I want to choose option 2, but fear that I am going to chicken out and end with option 1. Tell my self to be strong and continue to build the life that I want.

Good luck to you.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Daisy, I know something about triggers; been living with them for years. They still raise their ugly heads after more than a decade. But they no longer make me physically ill. I deal w/ them by prayer and meditation, accepting that the pain I feel in that moment is real and necessary. Acknowledge its presence and its source and know that it will not last. There are better times to come.


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## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

I know how you feel Daisy. My W's EA is very recent and I got a trigger the other day that almost made my heart explode.

I don't have much advice, but I can say this....

If the day before this trigger happened you felt confident and secure about your marriage, then keep in mind that things are going well.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its been close to a month that my wife and I started our R over her EA with ex-high school bf,they even meet a few times in public places,ou R is going pretty well but now I drive out of my way to go to work because of the K-Mart parking lot where they'd meet,a feaking parking lot sets me off,so do a couple other things.When does this [email protected] go away,have good days and not so good days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I started off letting triggers get me. Then Dday came, and it wasn't so bad. I had some wine, talked to a friend online who makes me laugh a lot, and the hubby and I treated it like any other day. I don't want Dday to be special. But the day after Dday, we make sure we have a date, and that we have some amazing sex.

2 years out from Dday, it was the same routine. I find myself thinking about it less and less. It didn't really bother me this past time. I focused on the kids and Halloween, and the next day I treated myself to a pedi and a movie. He is deployed, so no sex LOL.

I think the most important thing to remember is that you can manage triggers and replace memories which helps. But it does take a significant amount of time and you do have to literally be determined to let go.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I did some searching last night on At&t's web site and with the help of their tech department managed to pull up some text from my wife and OM,the things that were said about me,the phoney compliments he gave her and the I love you's back and forth are tearing me up bad,feel like a lot of progress has been wiped out,what if anything can you do to make this sh!t stop!? Its eating away at me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I did some searching last night on At&t's web site and with the help of their tech department managed to pull up some text from my wife and OM,the things that were said about me,the phoney compliments he gave her and the I love you's back and forth are tearing me up bad,feel like a lot of progress has been wiped out,what if anything can you do to make this sh!t stop!? Its eating away at me


Understand that none of it was real. CSS was in a dopamine fog, in a state of drug induced mania. Thats why she was acting so bizarrely when all that sh*t went down and why she crashed so hard afterwards. Your wife was literally like an addict on a meth bender. 

The love she was declaring to the OM was really just plan old lust -- a fantasy delusion. Real love is what she has for you. 

My advice is to quit obsessing. You can spend the next ten years digging crap like this up and it will eventually destroy you and your already fragile marriage. You need to get to a PTSD counselor. The one you're going to doesn't seem to be cutting the mustard.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

My daughter will be a bridesmaid for my niece on my D Day - garden ceronomy with buffet and evening reception . Not sure exactly how going to handle it - needless to say could do without being at a wedding !!!! Think I ll just head for the bar


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

No more digging for [email protected] like that,dont need it..ugh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

calvin said:


> I did some searching last night on At&t's web site and with the help of their tech department managed to pull up some text from my wife and OM,the things that were said about me,the phoney compliments he gave her and the I love you's back and forth are tearing me up bad,feel like a lot of progress has been wiped out,what if anything can you do to make this sh!t stop!? Its eating away at me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not think that getting texts from ATT was possible. Can you tell me how you got it done? How did they deliver the data to you?

While I feel like my situation is improving with my WS, I really want to see the texts to validate what she told me. As in, she said it was not what I am letting my mind think it was. I don't exactly believe that and would really like to see it for myself.

I really need to know. Please give me a little info on how you got this done. TIA!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Been doing brilliantly with Re his EA. really moving on. No anxiety for a couple of weeks then BAM -
> Got a txt message from my daughters girl guide leader reminding us of guide camp on May 16th, my Dday!! The day last year that my DH gave me 'the speach', the day before I found out about his EA and today the anxiety is back.
> I can cope with the tears and sadness, that passess but this bloody anxiety cripples me.
> How do the rest of you deal with the approach of your first years Dday? I'm dreading it. His EA took place over a 6 week period last April. Started during the Easter school break and I just know this is going to be a difficult time for me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Move on Daisy. If you continue to re-live on those dreadful memories, you will hurt yourself. Why would you do that?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

my trigger is her name!!! she has a REALLY common name.Every time I turn on the T.v. everytime I go to a resturaunt, everytime I do anything someone has that darned name!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> my trigger is her name!!! she has a REALLY common name.Every time I turn on the T.v. everytime I go to a resturaunt, everytime I do anything someone has that darned name!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!


Ugh, that sucks. In my case OW has a car that is unique enough to be noticeable in our small town, both the color and make/model, but common enough that there are several in that color and I see them often.

That and the fact that her house is right by one place where I have to go on a regular basis.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh and everytime he walks out the door for work since he works with her....yay!!


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

I think cpacan has the right idea with the 2 options. You have to listen to your heart and decide which will make you feel better afterwards.

Option 1: Give in to the emotions overwhelming you. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship. Give yourself permission to mourn. That is not to say that R is not possible. But after a breach like an EA and separation, you have to mourn that the relationship that you once had is over. You may be able to build a new (and stronger and better) relationship with your spouse but it doesn't negate the fact that there has been an ending of your trust, hopes, dreams, etc.

Option 2: Pretend like its a regular day: There is value to acting in the way that you wish you felt and eventually you will come to internalize those feelings. However for you and cpacan, it sounds like you aren't far enough past the grief to make this work. You may feel worse with internal negative invalidating messages e.g. "Get a grip on yourself, its just a normal day" which may be a way of saying "You don't deserve to grieve and feel pain over a tremendous loss in your life".

I think you should try to give yourself a break. Take a day off, sleep late, spend some time alone, but maybe also plan to do something distracting with friends or with the kids so your mood doesn't devolve into complete misery. I'm pretty sure G-d made kids to be a distraction :wink:


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> my trigger is her name!!! she has a REALLY common name.Every time I turn on the T.v. everytime I go to a resturaunt, everytime I do anything someone has that darned name!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!


Me too! If I hear that whXXe's name on TV.....off goes that channel! Thank goodness none of our kids have a friend with that name I couldn't handle it!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

dontpanic said:


> I think cpacan has the right idea with the 2 options. You have to listen to your heart and decide which will make you feel better afterwards.
> 
> Option 1: Give in to the emotions overwhelming you. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your relationship. Give yourself permission to mourn. That is not to say that R is not possible. But after a breach like an EA and separation, you have to mourn that the relationship that you once had is over. You may be able to build a new (and stronger and better) relationship with your spouse but it doesn't negate the fact that there has been an ending of your trust, hopes, dreams, etc.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for this post. My situation has changed now as my Hs AE went completely underground and has just resurfaced but your words are still very relevant.
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I am working on this, reading everyone's post, and realize we aren't alone-thank goodness! I don't have a d-day date bc we had several events over a year's time frame...soooo I'm offering advice on the trigger  Yesterday I had a trigger and it totally caused me to have a complete shutdown. My H said he doesn't know if he can live with the up/down scenarios. However, talking about it and being open (we don't do this typically) helped. So maybe prior to this day let him know your concerned and maybe he can help to off-set it and get your mind off it?

My trigger yesterday: he missed my annual benefit I have done for 13 years (he was out drinking and didn't come home, so at 4 am I driving around town hoping not to find him in a ditch somewhere and instead found he was slow dancing in a home with a girl and a bunch of college students??? Weird and hard to walk in on). So when asked if the H will be able to attend this year it brought every heart ache imaginable. 

Point that I took too long to get too: talk to your H prior and maybe ya'll can celebrate your daughters camp and have a special event/date/distraction together? Good Luck.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Damn. Yesterday was supposed to be a great day with the family(and it was) except for the fact that where we went was practically in the back yard of the OW! As we got closer and closer to where she lives my anxiety grew and grew and all I could think about was what was HE thinking about? I dont deserve this. I have been nothing but completely faithful since day one. How long will this go on? I didnt tell him how I was feeling. Do you guys tell your BS everytime you trigger? We were with our kids. I mean I cant imagine he didnt know but Im sure he didnt want to mention her. It was supposed to be a fun day but it was definately overshadowed by the dagger in my heart.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Damn. Yesterday was supposed to be a great day with the family(and it was) except for the fact that where we went was practically in the back yard of the OW! As we got closer and closer to where she lives my anxiety grew and grew and all I could think about was what was HE thinking about? I dont deserve this. I have been nothing but completely faithful since day one. How long will this go on? I didnt tell him how I was feeling. Do you guys tell your BS everytime you trigger? We were with our kids. I mean I cant imagine he didnt know but Im sure he didnt want to mention her. It was supposed to be a fun day but it was definately overshadowed by the dagger in my heart.


I tell my wife every time I trigger and she still reacts in the same supporting way she did when we first R. They can't help if they don't know.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I tell my wife every time I trigger and she still reacts in the same supporting way she did when we first R. They can't help if they don't know.


I seem to be having a REALLY hard time getting into talking about this kind of stuff w/him.(triggers, mind movies etc) When the triggers come I get so withdrawn I cant effectively communicate and then when they are over I dont want to drudge it up. It really just a painful thing to discuss with him. I find myself not wanting to have any communication about it at all. Yesterday, I thought I was gonna throw up. He did ask if I was "ok". Im not sure if its b/c he 'knew' or just because it I was so quiet. How did you explain triggers?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I seem to be having a REALLY hard time getting into talking about this kind of stuff w/him.(triggers, mind movies etc) When the triggers come I get so withdrawn I cant effectively communicate and then when they are over I dont want to drudge it up. It really just a painful thing to discuss with him. I find myself not wanting to have any communication about it at all. Yesterday, I thought I was gonna throw up. He did ask if I was "ok". Im not sure if its b/c he 'knew' or just because it I was so quiet. How did you explain triggers?


Do you mean in general how to explain triggers or how do you bring up specific triggers?

Triggers are flashes that remind you of being betrayed and bring back all the pain and anguish of the original betrayal. Especially in the beginning of reconciliation triggers are just as intense as when you first found out. They are extremely emotionally jarring and draining because they happen with no warning.

To bring up specific triggers you need to learn to work through the feelings in order to communicate. This becomes easier as time goes on. Think of it like you're having an asthma attack and need to let someone know what's wrong but you can't breath. You have to force yourself to say it. If you hold it in then you're not dealing with it you're running away. And that's not healthy. 

It will help if you tell your spouse ahead of time that when you trigger you will be sad, hostile, angry, depressed, defeated, self-loathing and probably unstable. This is very normal. Let him know that he should be understanding and supportive and give you whatever you need at that time. And what you need may change depending on many factors. Sometimes you may need a hug, sometimes you may want space, sometimes you may need to yell, sometimes you may need to vomit. It's ok and its normal. 

You've been through a trauma 10x worse than any car wreck and its going to take time to process.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Do you mean in general how to explain triggers or how do you bring up specific triggers?
> 
> Triggers are flashes that remind you of being betrayed and bring back all the pain and anguish of the original betrayal. Especially in the beginning of reconciliation triggers are just as intense as when you first found out. They are extremely emotionally jarring and draining because they happen with no warning.
> 
> ...


I know what they are unfortunately. I meant specifically having the conversation with him. Its so freakin uncomfortable! I hate this. I just wanted to look at him yesterday and say "why the [email protected]$K did you do this?" Its like the joy in life has been zapped out. I wonder what is real. What has been a lie? And when Im having a 'good' day out of nowhere, it hits me like a truck.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I know what they are unfortunately. I meant specifically having the conversation with him. Its so freakin uncomfortable! I hate this. I just wanted to look at him yesterday and say "why the [email protected]$K did you do this?" Its like the joy in life has been zapped out. I wonder what is real. What has been a lie? And when Im having a 'good' day out of nowhere, it hits me like a truck.


Have you explained what triggers are to your husband? If not you should do so when you aren't having one. Explain they are a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder and they're no different than the triggers that servicemen have to deal with when they have been in combat. Let him know that you will say terrible things because at that time that's how you will feel. You should not feel bad. You didn't have the affair, you're just dealing with the aftermath. Next time you want to say "why the [email protected]$k did you do this" say "WHY THE [email protected]$K DID YOU DO THIS!" Holding it in is not helping you heal and its delaying recovery.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Canttrustu its like your writing my posts! I feel exactly as you. On a 6 hour drive with the family and every country song on the radio triggered me. I was dieing on the inside and wanted to throw up or cry but couldn't because we were with our kids! This was to be a fun trip for them and because my husband. EFFED UP I'm the only one in the car miserable. I had to put headphones in and lie that I was search for a song for my daughters video??? I couldnt sing loud and take part of the family fun! It really angers me. It should be my husband suffering not me. 
My H could tell I was upset and asked are you OK the next day when we were alone and he was some what supportive but was also confused. Our most recent D-Day was last August. We rug swept vs dealing and now we are acutually facing the past to have R and I think he and i both thought i would not still be hurting???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> I couldnt sing loud and take part of the family fun! It really angers me. It should be my husband suffering not me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry to say this, it just sucks... it shouldn't, because it isn't. It's just the way it is, if you want to reconcile and stay with your partner. You will both have your individual struggles bear your crosses, this one was part of yours. There is absolutely no fairness related to infidelity.
I know how you feel, I feel the same way every f...... day and have to remind my self to slowly accept the way things are, because I can't change them. Just hope my self that it gets easier as time goes by.
Keep fighting, or get out - I'm afraid there isn't other alternatives. So, raise your head and make your decissions - you can do it.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

CPA, give us an update, what is your wife doing to fight for your marriage and win you back?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My beloved Chicago Bears are a fvcking trigger now,what the fvck do I do about that one?....FVCK!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

They would coment about Bears games on fb,we're die hard Bears fans.OM liked the Colts,I'm glad Manning is gone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I triggered this weekend. Friday night phone call. My wife's phone answered and she did not know it. I could not get her attention and I listened to her and my son talk for about 1/2 hour. D-day - her phone did the same thing and I listened to her and the OM talking.

Then Saturday. My wife and I went out to a hotel with a jucuzzi to get away and work on things. Outside the elevator was a brochure rack with local attractions. There were four bins full of brochures of where the OM worked and where my WS would pick him up. Hell, I did not know the place was a tourist place nor did I know they had brochures. Everytime I got on or off the elevator was those dam* brochures. I finally shared with her about it. And we talked several more times about it today as I was really in a sucky place. Not her fault that those brochures were there. But why the hel* did they had to be there when I am trying to move forward. Just wanted to crawl in a hole earlier today.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> I triggered this weekend. Friday night phone call. My wife's phone answered and she did not know it. I could not get her attention and I listened to her and my son talk for about 1/2 hour. D-day - her phone did the same thing and I listened to her and the OM talking.
> 
> Then Saturday. My wife and I went out to a hotel with a jucuzzi to get away and work on things. Outside the elevator was a brochure rack with local attractions. There were four bins full of brochures of where the OM worked and where my WS would pick him up. Hell, I did not know the place was a tourist place nor did I know they had brochures. Everytime I got on or off the elevator was those dam* brochures. I finally shared with her about it. And we talked several more times about it today as I was really in a sucky place. Not her fault that those brochures were there. But why the hel* did they had to be there when I am trying to move forward. Just wanted to crawl in a hole earlier today.


So sorry Thor. If these WS really knew the impact ahead of time I wonder if it would change their actions?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> So sorry Thor. If these WS really knew the impact ahead of time I wonder if it would change their actions?


My wife has said it so many times. If she could go back in time and kill herself before she started having an affair she'd do it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> My wife has said it so many times. If she could go back in time and kill herself before she started having an affair she'd do it.


do you think she is the exception or the rule?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> do you think she is the exception or the rule?


I don't really know. I think most spouses who genuinely feel remorse, who can honestly see the hurt and pain in the injured party's eyes will feel this way. In the very beginning of R when my wife was still in the fog and wasn't sure of her feelings for me she wasn't capable of this level of empathy. But as the fog cleared and she rediscovered her love for me she was able to see the anguish I was going through and it registered on a level I probably can't understand. I think that is the disconnect between most BS and WS. The WS cannot feel the anger, frustration, and loss that the BS feels but in turn the BS cannot imagine the self loathing and guilt that the WS feels _if they are really remorseful_. Its bridging this gap of understanding that determines whether the relationship can be salvaged or not.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I don't really know. I think most spouses who genuinely feel remorse, who can honestly see the hurt and pain in the injured party's eyes will feel this way. In the very beginning of R when my wife was still in the fog and wasn't sure of her feelings for me she wasn't capable of this level of empathy. But as the fog cleared and she rediscovered her love for me she was able to see the anguish I was going through and it registered on a level I probably can't understand. I think that is the disconnect between most BS and WS. The WS cannot feel the anger, frustration, and loss that the BS feels but in turn the BS cannot imagine the self loathing and guilt that the WS feels _if they are really remorseful_. Its bridging this gap of understanding that determines whether the relationship can be salvaged or not.


I think in part he is having trouble FULLY empathizing b/c he didnt sleep w/her and to him THAT is what would kill him-if I slept w/OM. It would impact him w an EA but not on the same level(at least thats what he thinks). He is feeling my pain but doesnt fully understand my feelings of loss(I think). To him he never stopped loving me so I never lost him, to me when he shared what should have been mine, I lost him.


Sorry didnt mean to hijack.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I think in part he is having trouble FULLY empathizing b/c he didnt sleep w/her and to him THAT is what would kill him-if I slept w/OM. It would impact him w an EA but not on the same level(at least thats what he thinks). He is feeling my pain but doesnt fully understand my feelings of loss(I think). To him he never stopped loving me so I never lost him, to me when he shared what should have been mine, I lost him.
> 
> 
> Sorry didnt mean to hijack.


I don't think waywards really entirely stop loving their spouses. I think if they did no marriages would survive infidelity. The fact that your husband doesn't empathize with the pain your are experiencing is not surprising either. It takes time before they can see the effects their actions have had on others. Compare it to substance abuse. Does the alcoholic not love their spouse? I think they do but they can't or won't see the end results of their actions. Next time you and your husband are discussing his affair and he says that actual sex would be what he would object to, ask him if you were grinding on a man's crotch while dancing would he have a problem with it? If you went to a Chippendale's club and held another man's bait and tackle would he object? After all its not sleeping with them is it? Then think about an activity that he enjoys sharing with you. Going to a movie, out to dinner, golfing, whatever. Lets use a movie for example. Ask him if next time he asked you to go see a movie with him that you told him you had already made plans to go to a movie with another man how would he feel? Infidelity is not black and white. There are a lot of stops on the cheat train and its not just up to him to decide which stop is the last stop.


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