# Should I end my relationship or get married?



## NYCAdGuy (Feb 25, 2014)

Sorry for the semi long read. 

I've been in a relationship with my SO for 5 years. Lately, he’s been talking about marriage – I'm not so sure. I love him but we’ve had a lot of issues over the years. 
-	we live together, but I did not want to move in because he is not financially stable. I would help him out financially even before we moved in together. He made it sound as if we would break up if i did not move in with him, at the moment i did not want this to happen so I moved in with him. 
-	There is lack of trust as cheating has occurred in the past 
-	He can be a bit controlling and on a few occasions has gotten a bit aggressive 
-	Financially I was in a better place when I was not in the relationship and feel resentment that he has benefited from the relationship while I have not. My credit score has really taken a hit 
-	I continues to work on my career while he has had the same Job for 11 years and has no plans to get a new job or move up within his company
-	His family is not financially stable, he holds it together and he can only do this with my help, which I resent. I've felt in the past that things aren’t fair but he calls me selfish when I express these concerns 

Despite the problems the relationship has had I love him. But am afraid that the life that I want will just not be attainable with him, and that I could be better off with someone else. Yet I fears that this is the best that Ican do because he has great qualities (caring, great cook, charismatic and handsome) – I honestly don't know what to do. We are currently arguing because he wants me to cover the flight for a trip that his mother is doing to FL, i don't think that I should cover this as it would mean not paying a number of bills- he says that it's a sacrifice we have to make - she has other sons, one of them could help. 

I just don't want to get myself in the whole financially even further for love - is this selfish? Am I a bad person for feeling like financially i should ask for more from my partner?

Note - gay couple BTW


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's not selfish to know what you want out of a relationship and leaving ones that don't meet your needs. It's unlikely the problems would get better, more likely more resentment will continue to build unless serious changes are made. Having someone financially stable is a valid need, not selfish. 
The aggressive part would trouble me too, same with the cheating. For me it would be too much and I would leave, find someone who was more compatible. 

So many people saw red flags before marriage but went ahead with it anyway, it doesn't end up well.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

5 years is long enough to KNOW things aren't right. 

Walk away.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

If you are unsure, do NOT do it. Seriously. Everything you listed are big red flags. Gay couple or not, you have every bit of reason to suspect that things will not go well if you marry. It's unlikely things will magically get better with a piece of paper and a ring. Sorry, but if you are double guess it now, it's not the right time for you.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

NYCAdGuy said:


> Sorry for the semi long read.
> 
> I've been in a relationship with my SO for 5 years. Lately, he’s has been talking about marriage – I'm not so sure. I love him but we’ve had a lot of issues over the years.
> -	we live together, but I did not want to move in because he is not financially stable. I would help him out financially even before we moved in together. He made it sound as if we would break up if i did not move in with him, at the moment i did not want this to happen so I moved in with him.
> ...


If you have to ask the question... DO NOT GET MARRIED!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Not even reading...IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, DONT GET MARRIED!!!


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Gay or straight, doesn't matter to me, what matters is how each SO treats the other & your SO is not treating you well.
There is no reason why you should be expected to pay for HIS mother to go on a trip to FL.
Sorry, but if she wants to go, then she needs to come up with the money or her children can pay her way.
The fact he expects you to support his family screams out of touch with reality to me, that's just so crazy as to be laughable. 
Their financially instability shouldn't be your problem, nor should it actually be his if these family members are functioning adults who should have their own jobs to pay their bills.
Personally I would end the relationship now & work on getting your life together again.
Your SO is dragging you down & I can only see it getting worse if you two get married.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you have to even to ask the question, you should NOT get married.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Separate you finances, and see if you are still attractive to him if he does not get financial support from you. I get he wants to tie the knot for securing his position. This aspects seems gender neutral in some relations


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Should I end my relationship or get married?

If a person is asking themselves that question, then the answer must be:

End it

There should be no doubts about marrying someone imo. If there are any doubts, they are not the person for you.


----------



## NYCAdGuy (Feb 25, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Separate you finances, and see if you are still attractive to him if he does not get financial support from you. I get he wants to tie the knot for securing his position. This aspects seems gender neutral in some relations


Thank for all the feedback everyone - greatly appreciated. 

Regarding finances, we only have one account together - he's debt for which I've paid significantly more for than him. In recent discussions he has gotten angry that i don't see our finances as one, the way he does. I don't want to merge my finances with his, I just don't see nothing positive coming from it for me, for him in the other hand it would be great. 

When i say i don't want to pay for things, like this trip, he accuses me of thinking of him as someone who is looking to take advantage. This is not the case, I've always looked at his (and his mother's needs) as honest because they don't earn enough. Maybe I'm just too nice of a person who justifies everything.


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Yep, too nice and you let him manipulate you! Hold yourself in higher regard and end this now! You're not helping him, you're enabling him 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> 5 years is long enough to KNOW things aren't right.
> 
> Walk away.


Fantastic advice, Sunny, with one exception. RUN, don't walk.

This guy's using you like a tool. Don't let it go on...


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Read the first 3 points and stopped.

Not only should you not marry, you should end the relationship. Today.


----------



## NYCAdGuy (Feb 25, 2014)

Sbrown said:


> Yep, too nice and you let him manipulate you! Hold yourself in higher regard and end this now! You're not helping him, you're enabling him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is exactly what my mother said. She feels that I'm so in love with him that I'm blinded to being manipulated (intentional or not) - and noted how he always calls me selfish when I put my foot down and say no to something. 

I do feel that we have held each other back a bit - though he is 6 years older than me I do think that he needs to grow up a bit and plan what he wants out of life. 

thanks for your feedback!


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Listen to your mother. She's right, from where I'm sitting.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

5 minutes... 5 Years... 5 Decades... If it doesn't feel right, and you aren't absolutely certain and comfortable with it right now then don't do it. Finances can be a particularly problematic aspect in any relationship. You mentioned that you're already feeling some level of resentment. That won't improve without changes to the situation. He may feel like you view him as someone that may be taking advantage but it sounds more like you feel the situation is tilted and he is unintentionally coming out ahead in it.

I wish you the best of luck on it.


----------



## BRLA (Feb 25, 2014)

End it and move on.......the struggles won't end if not only get worse. I wouldn't stay in same place.....marriage will only make you resent his instability more.


----------

