# What to do when wife strays but will never admit the entire truth?



## devastated man (Aug 23, 2011)

My wife recently went away for 19 days, to an old friends as well as her brothers up north about 6-7 hours away from home. She took our 3 yr old with her, and she called daily and described to me the daily activities that had done. That's the start, here's a bit of our background. When our 3 yr old was born, she had a "life changing" experience and wanted to get back into a Church based life, which I agreed with and we have been attending regularly for over a year now. We had been having maritial issues, mostly due to the financial impact the economy has taken on our family. We were seeing a Bibilical counselor for our marriage, and we're involved in marriage classes through our church also. I am older, by 13 years, than her and we have been married for 5 years, and together as a couple for 8 years. She just turned 30, her sister (age 35) just within the last month died after battling brain cancer for 8 years. So to say the least, she has had a rough year and hated the idea of turning 30. 

Through all of this, I have been 100% supportive of her spending as much time with her sister, since in the last year, the Dr's said she had less than a year to live. So she was gone quite a bit, while I was working a day job, then coming home and taking care of our son so she could spend time with her sister and family. She would normally come home after 10 pm., which by then I'm tired and ready to get some sleep to start the next work day again. Then on weekends, I would let her sleep in for as long as she wanted while again, I would tend to our 3 yr old. Then after her sister passed, she decided she needed to get away for awhile, hence he 19 day trip away from home. To say the least, the time apart kind of made us drift apart somewhat....but I was willing to accept that so she could be with her sister and figured after her passing, we would get back to our normal time together.

Throughout our entire relationship, 8 years worth, there was always this one guy that she couldn't just let live in the past. This guy was supposedly just a friend, and they never did anything other than kiss 8 years ago, so she has said. She actually had to choose him or me, 8 years ago, of who she wanted to be with...she chose me. But at least once every year, she would contact him in some fashion, to just see how he was doing....behind me back because she knew I disapproved of their "friendship". Which to me makes sense, since both of them would at least date or try to be a couple if her and I weren't married by her own admission....but she thinks otherwise and feels she can be friends with whomever she wants and I just have to deal with it. Two years ago, he got divorced (he had gotten married a couple years after she chose me). Ever since then, she has been trying to live in the past, contacting him more frequently. Each time, she would get caught and apologize, and swear she would never contact him again. I knew better, but still always believed that she would eventually let go of the past. 

Back to her trip, well I've come to find out, that while she was on this trip, she contacted him and they met and "hung out" not once, but 3 times. She says that they only kissed again, but I know better....but she will never admit to more, because that's just the way she is. I didn't know she had seen them, but one night she called and really went off on me about taking away her youth, and me being older I should have let her be free back then. After her ranting, I asked her straightup...had she had contact with him, she said yes, and then I asked if she had seen him..and that's when she told me she had. Her exact words were, "I did hold him", "I did kiss him". To all you women out there...what exactly does that mean? I knew she had contacted him because everytime she does, she goes off and is an extremely angry person towards me, so it was easy to tell. She keeps telling me that she has done soul searching and that she has grown so much as a christian....but with her latest actions...I told her how much growing have you done as a Chrisitian if you are cheating on your husband. According to biblical standards, if you think about cheating, it's the same as if you actually did the act...and she agrees to that semation. So how can she say she has grown? She was married before and cheated on that husband, not once but 4 times...so again I tell her that she hasn't grown at all and is actually in the same place she was 10 years ago....but she doesn't see that. She continues to blame me for her youth being taken away when she was the one who pursued me, rushed to move in with me, rushed to get married to me, etc. She is an admitted control freak, so how can I be to blame when she has controlled her entire life as well as mine for nearly 8 years. 

I am a good husband, my wife doesn't have to do laundry, dishes, cook, pick-up, work, etc. All she has to do every day is take care of our 3 year old until I get home when I take over and give her a break. She refuses to get a job to help out our family in our economic troubles, she accepts no blame for any monetary problems even though if we look back on things we have spent money on, 90% of them are things that she had wanted. She used to be very materialistic. She says that we have no common interest but I always tell her that whatever she would like to do, I am more than willing to participate even if I don't like the activity such as riding dirt bikes. Her "friend" rides motorcycles so that is the one activity that she keeps throwing in my face that I don't like to do...I know it's just a jab at me to remind me of that guy, but it does get tiresome to hear. 

Am I perfect, far from it. But I am a committed man, strive to spoil and take care of my wife.....but it usually falls short of her expectations...which are very high. That old saying, nice guys finish last....that is my life story, and is more true than most people will ever know. What causes a wife to not live in the past? What causes a wife, just because times are tough, to purposely pick the one guy that would do the most damage to our marriage to prove some point she is trying to make. She said that she wanted me to hurt the way I made her feel taking her youth away. Are those even close to the same thing? We had both agreed that when we said our vows, the past was the past, but she never let go of it. As far as taking away her youth, I have shown her that I wasn't the one who did that....the person that did that was the person that molested her in her preteen years. I explained that with delicate gloves on, so it wasn't out of spite or anything, it was talked about with compassion and love. She agreed. But yet, she still continues to say that I did take away her youth.

Is she just wanting to date? She said she is a "free-spirit" and no one can control her or tell her what to do. I told her I agree, but as a wife she needs to take the entire families feelings/emotions into account when making any decisions regarding anything & everything, but she still doesn't see it that way. Is she just not able to see that or am I completely in the wrong about what a wife and/or husband should do when they are in a committed relationship? Should I let her go? They say if you love someone set them free....but I have to take my 3 yr old son in consideration, and he deserves both parents together at home. 

Since returning from her trip, she has said she 1000% ready to be committed to the marriage. Should I buy it? Is she just going to "cheat" again? My guess is that the guy wasn't all he cracked up to be since she hadn't physically seen him in nearly 8 years...to my knowledge. That after seeing him, she realized that I was the correct choice back then, and I know she knew I would forgive her and take her back in a heartbeat. Not just because I love her, but after returning to church again after 20 years of missing, I've rekindled my relationship with God and know that he is asking me to forgive and save the marriage. I struggle with it everyday since she got back, this is day 5, but we have been intimate already even though we both said we wanted to wait until we had time to process everything. That's the real problem, I know nothing about what happened and she is not willing to share except for the "hold him" "kiss him" comment. What should a loyal, caring, loving husband do?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Some of your story sounds like mine.

In most cases, it is difficult to get 100% truth, for various reasons. At this point, it is up to you to decide if you can accept (as opposed to believe...note the distinction) the truth that you have received and move on with her to repair the relationship, or move on without her and leave the relationship behind.

Unfortunately, there's no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, as we're all different. When my wife and I had our last blowup several months ago, she gave me a story that didn't add up (and still doesn't). I told her I didn't believe it, and that, if there were more to the story to tell me then, and we'd go from there...I couldn't be more upset than I already was (as I was prepared to walk out the door). She maintained that there was nothing else to the story. I told her that I would have to accept that...and gave her one more chance to confess to anything else...if I find out later that she didn't disclose everything, that would be a dealbreaker. She stuck by her story, and I stick by my decision...if I ever find out she didn't tell me everything or continued to lie about things, I'm done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I left my 1st daughter's dad for our mutual friend, all we did was kiss. That was honest. But that kiss was UNREAL...amazing. We hugged and kissed. Nothing was done under clothes until I moved out. So maybe she is telling the truth, I don't know. I just know that it was true for me.


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## devastated man (Aug 23, 2011)

Grayson, I agree with you and believe I have accepted it. I forgave her, without her ever apologizing or asking for forgiveness...which even now after being home she still has yet to do. But I'm ok with that, because by forgiving her....the burden lifted off my shoulders and am able to focus on what we need to do to either save the marriage or let her be the free spirit she believes she is. And yes, I have done the same...told her if I find out anything else, it's over for sure, so it's best to just tell me now. I also told her, that cheating wasn't even that big of a deal compared to the fact that she let him see & meet our little 3 yr old boy. Told her that was far more devastating than anything else she could do because she included our son in the lies & deceit that she decided to take part in. Thanks for the response.


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## devastated man (Aug 23, 2011)

That Girl, I want to believe her, and do about 90%....but if you knew the entire story of how she planned all of this, never meant for me to find out, etc.....it's easy to not be 100% convinced I know the truth. But I hope so, because I do love her....but this is the last straw. Once, shame on her....twice, shame on me. She had her "once".


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

devastated man said:


> *She was married before and cheated on that husband, not once but 4 times.*..so again I tell her that she hasn't grown at all and is actually in the same place she was 10 years ago....but she doesn't see that.


What the heck?!?

She cheated on her first husband and now she's cheating on you. Looks like it's in her blood. 

She never learned anything of moral value from her first failed marriage.

Question for you is: do you mind sharing her with other men while she's married to you?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

devastated man said:


> Not just because I love her, but after returning to church again after 20 years of missing, I've rekindled my relationship with God and know that he is asking me to forgive and save the marriage. I struggle with it everyday since she got back, this is day 5, but we have been intimate already even though we both said we wanted to wait until we had time to process everything. That's the real problem, I know nothing about what happened and she is not willing to share except for the "hold him" "kiss him" comment. What should a loyal, caring, loving husband do?


Be careful not to just stick to part of the bible - there is a whole side of it that many people use just to sweep discretions under the rug, claiming that they are doing it out of love. Every time God encountered someone who was hiding sin, he called them out on that sin. Jesus called the woman at the well exactly what she was, a prostitute, and a woman with multiple husbands because of her infidelity, THEN told her to sin no more. I'd suggest that she knows that you will continue to tolerate these emotional or physical affairs, because you will not even require her to tell you more than she is willing to tell. When she says that she is 1000% ready committ, that is the time to be strong, not passive. She throws the motorcycle comment in your face, which is an invitation for you to be strong. So, why not show her strength? Tell her that you must have absolute honesty about what happened, and what you expect from her, else you will take the biblical divorce for infidelity.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Like Halien said, rug sweeping. Gave her one chance, I'll wait for your next post when you're back here again. Sorry to say this but you're in for it.

You want 100% truth, have her take a polygraph test, if she jumps up and says fine, still follow through. If she says no, you have your answer IMO as to what happened. Just won't know the specifics but you know that is was more than just hugs and kisses.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She was demonizing you, to justify what she has done---whatever exactly that was

You can make her take a poly if you really wanna know what happened

IMHO, she went physcial on you, maybe she got out of her system, what she needed, and maybe she will go looking for more

If you stay vigilant she will by her actions tell you, what is going on

What did you do about her kissing her lover, he may not have had full on sex with her, but she gave herself to him, she chose him over you, she "dissed" you, and she gloated to you over it, and for those things alone---this does not get swept under the rug---she has to be accountable, and there have to be consequences

If she is a SAHM---and does nothing in re: bringing in money----you need to let her know either she becomes a proper wife, contributing as a proper wife would, or she just might find out what it is like to GET A CHANCE HAVING HER YOUTH BACK AS IN BEING SINGLE

DO NOT LET HER PUSH YOU AROUND---STOP BEING MR. NICE-GUY, AND COOL IT WITH THE LOVEY-DOVEY FOR NOW---YOU ACTUALLY SHOULD GO INTO A STRONG 180.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Work on the marriage and see a Marriage Counselor. If you still ahve questions that are eating at you about the time off she should be willing to answer them and you shouldn't have to bury your feelings - they are just as real as hers and she needs to be compassionate about that. If she truly wants to reconcile, she should help you understand and she herself should IC to deal with her feelings of her youth being cut off by you. She also must understand how she could jeopardize your marriage for own selfish reasons.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

When posting on this thread please be particularly mindful of Forum Rules #1 and #6.

1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.
Personal attacks, hate speech, racist or sexist statements or attacks, sexual harassment, explicit sexual comments, promoting violence, will not be tolerated.

6. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.

devastated man, we are all here to be supportive of your decision. Hope things work out for you. I know how hard all of this is.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want the truth go pay a few hundred bucks on a polygraph test.
I hear that you won't get to the front door, she will spill it all in the parking lot.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

devastated man said:


> I am a good husband, my wife doesn't have to do laundry, dishes, cook, pick-up, work, etc. All she has to do every day is take care of our 3 year old until I get home when I take over and give her a break. She refuses to get a job to help out our family in our economic troubles, she accepts no blame for any monetary problems even though if we look back on things we have spent money on, 90% of them are things that she had wanted. She used to be very materialistic. She says that we have no common interest but I always tell her that whatever she would like to do, I am more than willing to participate even if I don't like the activity such as riding dirt bikes. Her "friend" rides motorcycles so that is the one activity that she keeps throwing in my face that I don't like to do...I know it's just a jab at me to remind me of that guy, but it does get tiresome to hear.


Devastated, I would imagine that her comments about the manliness of your interests, coupled with her contact with this guy make you feel like questioning yourself. You are strong, and it is obvious in the way you turned your life around with your faith, and your forgiveness. Remember that when people are weak, the thing they ask for is not always exactly what they really need to be happy. She might picture the motorcycle interest as strong and tough, but you offer a more fundamental type of strength, which is the resolve to do the right thing in your life. Don't be afraid to show her this resolve, but just make sure it is visible within the forgiveness that you offer. I was recently surprised to have a few employees tell me that I was the toughest supervisor they ever had, but they said I was also the friendliest. The key, I believe, is that I try to always tell them where they stand, both right and wrong. I'm only saying that you have the strength within you that she asks for, but she may just sense that you doubt yourself.

Be open and honest about the hurt that was caused, but most importantly, I hope you can gain calm acceptance of your strength. She will sense the moment that you no longer doubt yourself.


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## devastated man (Aug 23, 2011)

Thanks all for the comments, it is helping me sort through my thoughts, concerns, questions. Polygraph isn't for me, nor the way I would want to go. That would only be for my sanity, not in the best interst of the relationship as a whole. That only would show her that I'm uncapable of trusting her, not that she deserves trust, but I as a man, christian, & husband I have to be able to give my trust without restrictions or conditions...IMO. And Halien, yes...questioning myself is exactly the state of mind I'm in....and you nailed it on the head....because she has stated that I'm not strong anymore & lost my confidence. Even though that is correct, but it was her behavior over the years that helped me reach that point. So I ask....how does a person regain the confidence when they feel like they have absolutely no one to turn to for help?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

devastated man said:


> What should a loyal, caring, loving husband do?


He is toi pick his cajones up off the floor, and decide if he wantsa to live in an open marriage or not, because that is what this "free spirit" wants. A meal ticket that will cook and clean upo after her + the freedom to do as she pleases, when she pleases.

You do not need to and should not turn to anyone for help other than yourself. There is no one else in your marriage that can help you; there's already someone else in it that shouldn't be there... Take the advice here and MAN UP, and STOP being a doormat that will not, cannot, does not enforce any boundaries. You still believe that being "nice" will help win her back. How's that working for you so far??

She is doing as she pleases because there are no consequences. You've voiced your disapproval; she's chosen to ignore it and do as she pleases, and even rub your nose in it with the OM's "manliness"... and you, in turn, bargain with her. 

Cheaters lie. She's done both, proving this point yet again. You buy into it, still bargaining and hoping she will come around ot see your point of view. As long as she doesn't REALLy have to make a choice, she won't.

Sorry for coming across as harsh; seen this movie too many times and you're not listening yet. For your own sake and your kid's, I hope you do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go to the mens forum and look at "manning up".

There is alot there that will help you get that alpha male back. Do this asap b/c your wife has aready pointed out that the bete thing is not working for her.

Being a construction foremen, I am very alpa on the site, but when it comes to my WW its easier to just give in and avoid pissing her off. I lost alot of respect from her doing this. The new me will take my licks and go down this road of standing up to a issue or point even though she will disgree. 

Don't get me wrong I can comprimise, but I will no longer stay quite, while the resentmnet builds and my wife loses more respect.

I know it sounds odd but IMO your spouse want that side of you to come out, no matter how upseting your oppisite view point may be she wants you to stand up for your self. Show her you still are alive and have the balls to confront.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Trust is earned, not given repeatedly after being betrayed. Otherwise, it's meaningless. Tell your wife that you don't trust her and act like you don't trust her. If she wants your trust, it will be very easy for her to earn it.

As for changing your behavior, you have to fake it 'till you make it. If you start acting like a confident, alpha man, you will eventually become a confident, alpha man.

Read Married Man Sex Life to see why your wife isn't as attracted you as she could be and how you can change it. Start running the MAP (marital action plan) today.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

devastated man said:


> So I ask....how does a person regain the confidence when they feel like they have absolutely no one to turn to for help?


By being honest with yourself as you question your mettle. Look at the world, Devastated. Think of all the things that you have overcome, while others struggled with the same issues. Think of the things you avoided. The wrong choices. When you think about issues, there is a very quiet voice in your mind that tells you what is the right thing to do. Begin to listen to it completely, and act on it every time. Many times, we men feel like questioning ourselves because there are decisions in our life that we are unwilling to make. I really believe that if you take the attitude that you will address things in your life as they come up, with wisdom (which the bible promises to any who ask), that this instills a firm resolve within you. Your wife will notice that you don't hesitate, or stall, you just do it. 

I had a good mentor when I began my company, and he also talked about how to feel confident within ourselves. He said that as we get ready for the day, every day, maybe in the shower, think about what you need to address in your personal life, and your bisiness life. Then, decide a reasonable timeline for the day to get it done, and do it. His point was that indecisiveness leads us to question ourselves, but action builds confidence.

I know it is hard to directly apply it to your situation with your wife, but she will not have room to envy another old friend if you overpower that person with your own resolve and determination.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Manning up has the upside of improving yourself to be more confident. But you can run the risk of losing your wife in the process. Now you have a choice, just give her free reign and trust she'll do the right thing, or set your boundaries and stick to them.

Some people might come across as harsh, as I can sometimes, but that's to try and jolt some people out of their shell and see what is happening to them.

Others will say do anything to R, it's worth it while others will say drop her right now and move on and there are the people who say try and be somewhere in the middle.

You have to choose what is best for you.

A word of advice from a cheater, give a cheater enough rope and we'll hang ourselves eventually. And we'll do it smiling all the way because we could care less at that point, there is only one thing on our minds when we're that deep into the fog, the other person we're after.

Not saying all cheaters are this way, but the majority are, only a small minority will feel remorse and know that they screwed up and need help, the rest could care less, it's all about me, me, me, me, me.

If your wife shows zero remorse then you're right back at square one and nothing has been fixed. And only you can tell if she is or not.


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## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

Devestatedman, in your shoes I would assume my wife slept with the man she "hung out" with, even though she will never admit to it. In her mind she can make herself believe anything she wants, and she probably has convinced herself it was ok because YOU forced her to that point and it was something she needed to do.

She is blaming you for some very heavy things (stealing her youth? wow) that she will probably never let go. Her history of cheating doesn't bode well either. Once a cheater, always a cheater. It's just a matter of time, desire, and opportunity for the next one. 

I empathize with you. You are going to drain the life out of yourself trying to keep her happy. Many men have lived their entire lives and died trying to keep a woman happy even when she wasn't fully invested in the relationship.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Lets see here...
Previous history of cheating - check!
Coninued Communication with guy i don't approve of because of past involvement - check!
Planned out with dude on several ocassions - check!
Kissed and Held this dude several times - check!

And all i'm going to believe is that nothing happened??? Sorry OP, she f-cked this guy's brains out and realized... the legend is bigger than the reality. Now that she's stepped her toe out there, she now realizes it wasn't all worth it, and the grass isn't greener, so it time to work on you guys.

So now its up to you, i would also seek full disclosure before we moved on. I need to know what i'm working with. Get her phone, text this dude..."Do you feel about what we did?" His comeback will tell you your answer...


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