# Need help before its too late



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

Been married for almost a year. I'm having trouble with the new wife and her inability to cope with my son, my mom, pretty much anyone who loves me. I have a 10 year old son, who lives with his mother, i get him 2 weekends a month. My wife can not stand him. He sees this, and doesn't want to come over much anymore. He is a normal kid, gets in trouble for normal things. Here is a little background on everything.

Was married to sons mom for 5 years, single for 3.
Current wife moved in with me and got pregnant. We had our ups and downs, she gets pregnant again, and have our second daughter. Then we got married.

Starting off my son was with me half of the time, i was civil to his mother, and worked with her on most of the expenses a young boy would need. No one paid child support. The wife would throw a fit anytime the ex would call. Proclaim that i shouldn't speak with her about my son, only to confirm drop offs and pick ups of the son. I tried to explain to her that this would do nothing but hurt us, and that things work out well the way they are. Pretty soon the fighting got too much for me, so i went about it her way. Just as i suspected things got worse, the ex got mad because i wouldn't speak to her unless the wife was by my side, then it would only be Yes/No answers. She filed for full custody of my son and child support. I could not afford to fight her for it.
I knew that it would blow over in a couple of months after the ex realized she didn't have the freedom that she once had. I was correct. About a month and a half went by and she wanted it back the way it was before. I talked to the wife, and she said that if my son came back she would leave. Not sure if any of you know how hard it is to tell your son that you don't want him to live with you, but it about killed me.

I have a great relationship with my daughters, they love their daddy, and we spend a lot of time together. When my son does get to come over, i get to spend no time with him. I can't go outside and play catch with him, i can't take him fishing, he can not sit in the living room and watch a movie with out getting a dirty look. She gets mad at him over the smallest things. I feel like i'm loosing him, and i feel like she is trying to make me choose between her and my daughters, and my son. She has also forbid me from speaking with my mother, haven't seen her in a year, because my mom is too controling. She is correct, she does control my younger siblings, with money. I have never taken a hand out from her, or let her tell me how i run my life. I feel like she wants me to have nothing to do with people i love. We are too the point of divorce, which is the last thing that i want. I honestly think she has really bad trust issues, and jealousy issues. She goes through my phone 3 or 4 times a day, then accusses me of calling my mom from work and talking to the ex when i'm not around her. Neither one is true. I want to be as much of a part of my son's life as i am my daughters life, but i feel like I will lose my daughters if I stand up for my son. 

Sorry this was so long and jummble up, i have a lot on my mind, and a lot more questions to ask. If anything needs clarified, feel free to ask. Thanks in advance


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Biology getting in the way of logic... She wants ALL your time and resources. For your common daughters. If it was me i would call on her bluff. Let her explain to her family and friends that she is ending the marriage because she wants you to disown your son and you wont. My bet is she wont do it. 

She sound like a very selfish person. Are you sure you have a good thing going there?


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

She has brought up the fact that she doesn't mean as much to me as she does due to blood being thicker than water, so i do believe that there is some blood jealousy. She is constantly claiming that i do not love my daughters as much because i don't play with them like (i want) to play with my son. I swear, i don't even ask if i can play catch with my son any more due to the fact that it will cause a fight. He has stopped asking me for anything, food, drinks, to do things, anything. Any phone call i have with him, she assumes we are plotting against her some how, any time she is away from the house and i have time with her, she is accusing me of ignoring my daughters to play with him. 

I love her, and she can be the sweetest person in the world, she is a good mom to her daughters, and a good wife to me (when we aren't arguing over my son.) I have asked to go to counsling and she will say that there is no point in it because i will just make her look like an evil person infornt of the counslor. I have printed litterature off of the internet about the 7 stages of stepparenting, it has alot of what we are going though in it, how she feels and how he feels, and how i feel. She wont read it. I want my marriage to last, i want to be a father to my daughters and my son. I hate fighting with her, or even having suggesting a different way of doing something. She is a ,"its my way or the highway" type of person. It just isn't worth the fight to try to help her.

I was a step child, and understand what he is going through. I remember hating my stepdad, i remember thinking everything changed when he came into the picture, and my mom wasn't the fun loving person she once was. As i got older, I came to accept the fact that he was a good person, and he was taking care of my mother, and little brothers. Once i got over the fact that he wasn't stealing what i had, but adding to the love in my family, i had a whole new out look on him. Still to this day, i respect him for the way he handled my spoiled butt, and stayed the bigger person in the whole thing. I have tried to tell the wife this, but she claims that it is totaly different and my son is just out to break us up.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Try a surround strategy. When your son comes over, take ALL the kids out together to the park or the zoo or whatever. Play catch with all three of them at the same time. It will help them develop relationships as half-siblings, and no one is left out. Invite your wife to join you, too.

If she refuses to allow this, that's on her. You need to man-up and stop letting her control your relationship with your son. No need to argue with her. When she wants to fight about it, just say that you love all three of your children and expect her to understand that. Then go about your business.

You teach people how to treat you. It's time for her to unlearn some things about you - do not let her get in the way of your relationships with your children. Or your mother. Or any of your family.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

eyeballjr said:


> She has brought up the fact that she doesn't mean as much to me as she does due to blood being thicker than water, so i do believe that there is some blood jealousy. She is constantly claiming that i do not love my daughters as much because i don't play with them like (i want) to play with my son. I swear, i don't even ask if i can play catch with my son any more due to the fact that it will cause a fight. * He has stopped asking me for anything, food, drinks, to do things, anything.* Any phone call i have with him, she assumes we are plotting against her some how, any time she is away from the house and i have time with her, she is accusing me of ignoring my daughters to play with him.
> 
> I love her, and she can be the sweetest person in the world, she is a good mom to her daughters, and a good wife to me (when we aren't arguing over my son.) I have asked to go to counsling and she will say that there is no point in it because i will just make her look like an evil person infornt of the counslor. I have printed litterature off of the internet about the 7 stages of stepparenting, it has alot of what we are going though in it, how she feels and how he feels, and how i feel. She wont read it. I want my marriage to last, i want to be a father to my daughters and my son. I hate fighting with her, or even having suggesting a different way of doing something. She is a ,"its my way or the highway" type of person. It just isn't worth the fight to try to help her.
> 
> I was a step child, and understand what he is going through. I remember hating my stepdad, i remember thinking everything changed when he came into the picture, and my mom wasn't the fun loving person she once was. As i got older, I came to accept the fact that he was a good person, and he was taking care of my mother, and little brothers. Once i got over the fact that he wasn't stealing what i had, but adding to the love in my family, i had a whole new out look on him. Still to this day, i respect him for the way he handled my spoiled butt, and stayed the bigger person in the whole thing. I have tried to tell the wife this, but she claims that it is totaly different and my son is just out to break us up.


See this is just messed up. You are losing your son here. He needs his father. 

Tell your wife that you are sympathetic to her fears and insecurities, but you also expect her to be sympathetic to your intention to have a good and healthy relationship with all three of your children. Repeat this as often as necessary, but don't argue about it. Just stick to it.


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

Thanks for all of the imput, i have tried some of these things, and will try more of them the next time he is over. He isn't scheduled to be with me again for 2 weeks, but i'm off of work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I know it will cause a fight, but i'm going to try to have him come stay with me one of those days. His mother is usually doesn't mind if he comes over on unscheduled days, so the fight will be with the wife, he is taking time away from her and so forth. 

The kids get along great, he loves his sisters, and they love to have him around. He plays with them alot.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

eyeballjr said:


> The kids get along great, he loves his sisters, and they love to have him around. He plays with them alot.


OK, so this is a bright spot! That's wonderful!

It's also wonderful that your wife isn't trying to prevent them from playing together and having a relationship. That tells you that she doesn't dislike your son and doesn't think he's a terrible child. 

She's just insecure about you. Include her in your time with your son. Maybe go fishing with the whole family a few times, and then take your son alone for a trip some time. Do you do things alone with the girls, too?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is out of control and you are allowing it.

Marrying someone who hates your son and who does not want to be a step mom was not a smart thing to do.

You are going to have to tell her some facts of life:

1) you will talk to your mother. She needs to butt out of your relationship with your mom.

2) When you son comes over she can either treat him nicely or leave. And when she leaves, she cannot take your daughters with you because your son deserves a chance to get to know his sisters.

I do not get people who marry someone with children and then expect that person to dump their kids. It's cruel beyond belief.

Your wife has some serious paranoia issues.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eyeballjr said:


> Thanks for all of the imput, i have tried some of these things, and will try more of them the next time he is over. He isn't scheduled to be with me again for 2 weeks, but i'm off of work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I know it will cause a fight, but i'm going to try to have him come stay with me one of those days. His mother is usually doesn't mind if he comes over on unscheduled days, so the fight will be with the wife, he is taking time away from her and so forth.
> 
> The kids get along great, he loves his sisters, and they love to have him around. He plays with them alot.


You need to talk with her about this before he comes over again so that she knows that you will not tolerate her making a sceen or otherwise hurting your son.

And so what if it causes an argument. It's an argument worth having.


----------



## craftymindy (Jul 16, 2012)

Oh my heart just breaks for your boy! He never asked for this and certainly doesn't deserve this and ur wife is being completely selfish and immature! Your boy is a part of you and she should have never married you if she didn't want the whole package deal!


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

I agree with you guys 100%, yet I feel like i still have to walk a fine line with her due to the fact that i have let her do this for so long (almost a year) I do things with the girls, they are 16 months and 3 years old. I take them on bike rides, take them swimming, and play with them around the house. Same as i did my son when he was their age. Any argument we have she ends up saying i should get back with his mother so i can have my perfect little family, i have told her repetedly that she means nothing to me, she was cheating when i left her, and i wouldn't take her back if i was paid to. For some reason she thinks i still want her, because i'm civil on the phone to her. I can not pick my son up from her house by my self, so i think a lot of it stems from her jealousy of my ex. Part of the reason i can't talk to my mother is because she still had a relationship with the ex, it didn't bother me, as she had told me that she would be nice to the ex for her grandsons sake. In the wifes mind this ment that my mom wanted me to get back with the ex. This is not the case, as she told me when i split with the ex that she would kick my A$$ if i ever took back the cheater lol. It kills me that now my daughters are not getting to know their grandmother. The wife claims that my side of the family doesn't accept her my daughters as part of the family, but my son is a god in their eyes. I call bs on it. My mom and aunt watched my son from the time he was born until he was 6, they have a strong bond. I move 30 miles away due to work so the girls never really had a chance to spend the time with my mom or my aunt as my son did. 

I guess i'm just scared she will leave and take my girls from me, if I give her the ultimatum. I don't want them to have to go through a break up too. She is the type that will take them and not let me see them until ordered to by the courts. I don't want to take that chance. I'm just torn i guess. Lose 3 to gain 1 or keep the 3 and gain the 1. In a perfect world i would have all of them, but the way my luck runs i would lose everything.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

eyeballjr said:


> She is the type that will take them and not let me see them until ordered to by the courts. I don't want to take that chance. I'm just torn i guess. Lose 3 to gain 1 or keep the 3 and gain the 1. In a perfect world i would have all of them, but the way my luck runs i would lose everything.


This is a lot of nonsense. What state do you live in?

What you do is to see an attorney who sets up an interim 50/50 legal custody and 50/50 physical custody agreement. This is filed at the same time that the divorce is filed. 

You wife has no more right to the children than you do. 
You are more excuses for why you do not stand but to your wife to protect your son than I’ve ever heard. Sit her down and tell her. She might throw a hissy fit but the chance of her leaving you is very slim to none. She’s a bully. Bullies back down when they are shown a strong front.

I usually hate it when the guys around here talk about beta and alpha males. You are being so beta that it’s hard to listen to. Get a copy of No More Mr Nice Guy. Man up for all 3 of your children.

And if she does leave you, you will have your girls 50% of the time, your son a good part of the time. Your children can see their grandmother and aunt all you want them to. I think that getting your daughters away from their mom 50% of the time wit some good influences would be a very good idea. I feel sorry for those little girls having the mom they do.


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

LOL tell it like it is Elegirl. I do need to man up, its just scary. It not excuses its fear of the unknown. I have to work tonight and tomorrow, so i doubt i will do anything then. I think i will say something on Tuesday, then invite the son over on wednesday. She has used the i'm leaving thing far too long, since a month into our marriage. I live in oklahoma, not a very Father friendly state. The only reason i had custody of my Son and 50/50 visitation was becasue the exes parents told her they would foot the bill to fight her if she tried to fight me on it. So we settled out of court. This won't be like that, her mom thinks that she is in the right, they are not a very loving type of family, more of an "if you can do something for me i will talk to you" type of family. So wish me luck, and if anyone else has anymore advise on how i should go about this PLEASE feel free to let me know.


----------



## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

I feel for you since I'm dealing with similar issues, but your case is more severe than mine because minor children are involved. Your wife is completely wrong, of course. She should in no way interfere with your relationship with your son or your contacts with your ex-wife concerning him.

However, she is also the mother of your two daughters. In your shoes, I'd run to marriage counseling as fast as I could. A year isn't so long that things can't be reversed if you try. She obviously has trust and security issues that predate your marriage. Sounds like you also brought some issues concerning women controlling you. Normal, really. It's never a question of whether a given couple has flaws and blind spots. We all do. The only question is which ones and how are we dealing with them.

This sounds like a crisis, but as you may know the Chinese symbol for crisis and opportunity are the same.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> so i think a lot of it stems from her jealousy of my ex.


Not a lot, all of it... Your son is an appendix of her perceived rival. If you can find a way to demonstrate that you don't care for the ex AT ALL this problem will be minimized.

Plus, i think you need to invest some serious time getting your daughters included in the activities of your side of the family.


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

Great advise, didn't get my son this week like i had hoped. Not due to her, as i have put my foot down and gave her the talk. He was on vacation all week. She didn't take the me who stands up for himself well, but i stuck to my guns, and it seems as if she is coming around. Either that or being nice while she plots her exit plan. I let her know that i would start doing the things with the kids that i wanted to do, and assured her that i would be fair about it. 

She came at me with the "you don't love me anymore, i don't want to be in a relationship where you don't want to spend time with me stuff" I let her know that i love her, and i love my children. That it isn't fair for them to listen to us fight, it isn't fair for them to not have a father, and it isn't fair for me to feel terrible about the way am raising my kids. She started screaming, i asked her not to, then the physical attacks (she shoves me alot when she is to angry to use her words) came, so i walked out of the house. I would have got in the truck and left, but it was 5:30 am, and there was no place to go. After a walk around the block i came back in and acted like nothing had happened, i could see that she wasn't fully calmed down, but she did not bring it up again until late that afternoon, but she actually talked about it with a screaming and yelling. The only time she got loud, kindly asked her to keep it down and she did.

Like i said, i haven't actually got to see my son yet, so that is a whole other hurrdle we will have to go over. Then the next hurdle will be re connecting with my side of the family. Keeping my fingers crossed, and will keep all of you updated. Your advise has been helpful.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Good. You've made a good start. Just continue to stay calm, don't raise your voice when she escalates, but remain firm in your resolve, no matter what.

Maybe once she sees that you spending time with ALL of your children does not = you don't love her, she may calm down. Or not. Still, she has to respect you for it. Believe me, she would lose more and more respect for you if you continued to give in to her wishes.

You are doing the right thing, just keep it up.


----------



## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

I hope so, we still have some big hurdles to clear. If we make it over them, we should be fine.


----------



## GONTT (Aug 2, 2012)

First off you have got alot of great advise on here! No one should ever be asked to pick between their children. No one should take physical or verbal abuse, life is to short. It sounds like you are slowly loosing your bond with your son, that is sad. As the advise others have gave you it is up to you to protect all your children. She is a grown woman and new you had a son when she married you. You said he was 10, he needs you in these critical years of his life as a role model. Your girls also need you, they don't need to be in a household of physical abuse and arguing they sense the tension between you. If she truly loves you she will treat your son with out so much hatred. The thing is if he feels he cant come to you now, it wont be easy to gain that trust with him again but it can be done. She needs to understand he don't have you in his life like you are with your daughters everyday. So when he does come he does deserve a little alone time with you and time as a whole family too. It is sad that you have not been able to have a relationship with your mother and family, remember you can not get this time back no matter how much you try, but changing it is up to you. I hope and pray you find the right solution for your whole family. You can be married to her and have relation with your son and family. She needs to know that the love for her and other family members is not a competition for your love. I am sure your family loves you and will be there when you need them.


----------

