# Husband's depression and anger is exhausting me



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I'm new here. And apologize for writing a novel.

Our story is that my husband moved into another country, mine, without having anything here waiting besides me. We made this decision together, i didn't present it as the only option. I also did discuss whether he should first try to arrange himslef a job or something here, but he refused and just hopped on a plane.

Obviosly, it has not been an easy ride. He doesn't speak the language, and the culture here is impossible for him to deal with. Socially it is completely opposite to the American openess -- people are quiet, envious, unempathetic and suspicious. During the past 4 months, he hasn't been able to form any proper friendships let alone business connections to try to get a job.

To sum it up: he hates it here, hates the culture, the people and the country.

My family and the few friends i have are all good to him and he likes them, but it doesn't help enough. He has to depend on me to get anything done, because of the language and because there is quite much discrimination towards foreigners here.

I have helped him with all my power, constantly finding him things to do, filling out all his paper work, finding flats. I work, and with that money buy the food, come home, make dinner, rub his back and am there for him emotionally as much as i can. 

But he keeps having more and more setbacks here, and smaller and smaller things make him explode. He gets very angry, not physically aggressive but verbally so, and needs to vent about how horrible this country is for hours straight. He hates it here, hates his life, and wishes someone would just walk up to him and shoot him -- this is the message. Lately he has stated to become more and more angry at me as well, because he feels like i am not validating his feelings, but i try to see the positive side or look for a solution. I have realized now, he feels like this is me trying to undermine his feelings, which makes him angry at me. He starts to see me being against him as well. 

I understand what he needs, for me to empathize and support him in all his moods, not only the positive but also the negative. 

Have i done things wrong because he things i haven't? I guess i deal with my own anger very logically, and also have never been that depressed and desperate, so maybe i just don't know how to put myself in his shoes properly. Are there other people suffering from depression who act like this? 

I now start to live in constant fear of him getting upset, at me or something else, because he turns into a tornado of hatred. I feel like I want to flee the situation and just let him blow off his steam, but this is not possible. He wants me and needs me there. I guess I am just having trouble putting my own feelings and fears aside, stop trying to fix the situation and just let him be angry and hurt and agree with those feelings. 

The situation here continues to offer him nothing but disappointments and he keeps getting angrier and angrier. Where as i feel like i have heard this all before so many times, that i am fed up with agreeing with him how things suck, and just try to see how to fix them. I guess i am not emotionally strong enough myself then, to take all the negativity.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

tiredandout said:


> Lately he has stated to become more and more angry at me as well, because he feels like i am not validating his feelings, but i try to see the positive side or look for a solution.


This is a huge statement. I mean think about it he has essentially been dropped on another planet as far as he's concerned and you are trying to see the positive in it? Can you try just listening to him (don't let him whine though just let him talk). Ask him what he thinks should be done to remedy the situation. Ask him for solutions. Ask him what he wants from you. A new approach you know?


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Hi, magnoliagal. Thanks for your reply. It made me think and I do realize I don't always have enough compassion for him.

But I am aware of how difficult it is for him here. I am not saying he should just pick himself up and stop acting like a baby. But I know I'm not perfect, I should be more patient and let go of my own feelings to just listen to him. But I have been in the receiving end of this for 4 months now, and I am getting tired. In his anger and frustration he sees me as being the one who should save him and make it all better -- so if i make even the tiniest mistake or am not as supportive or empathetic he would expect, he gets furious at me for failing him. 

I have tried and keep trying to help, but he refuses most things i suggest. While he is in the middle of deep depression and anger, he (naturally) sees no escape. He doesn't see a solution, he doesn't want anything, he can't think of anything anywhere in the world that could make his life better. I am open to all options, I have also several times suggested we can make a plan to move somewhere else, to another country. But he refuses all help or positive thinking. When asked (I have asked, countless times) he has no idea what the solution should be, to him, all options are equally bad. 

When he feels better, he does accept some help and can find things to do or people to meet on his own, too. Unfortunately he has just had such terrible luck here, and so many things he has tried have ended up in failure or people have let him down, that he has lost most if not all hope. The few happy moments he has are short-lived, but then again as any smallest disappointment breaks his spirit and drives him to excessive anger, hate and self-hatred.

But I know I'm not perfect. I do realize I should just be there for him and listen. I know I make mistakes, I get frustrated or tired myself and let my own feelings get in the way of being there for him. I regret all the moments this has happened, but I guess I cannot blame myself too much. I am not perfect, no one is. His depression and anger have been difficult for me too, and I am the only one he has. I am the one who has to carry him through each day survived here, I have had to make my life about helping him. 

I guess I keep hoping that things would turn to better and I could take a breath as well, but everything seems to get worse every day. Every new disappointment hits him worse than the last one, every time his anger grows, every time he needs more support than before. His anger, even if not directed at me, is starting to exhaust me. And then I have moments when I lose control of myself and thus fail to show as much empathy as he needs.

My only hope is that at some point things will turn around and he will find something here. We have only planned to stay here for a year, but if it only gets worse, even that is too long a time. Neither of us can carry on like this, I'm afraid we will start to resent each other.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It's one thing to be upset/sad and depressed sometimes, very understandable if he left everything to live there. It is reasonable for him to feel that way sometimes.

I am looking at moving to be with my fiance, to another country, however if i was constantly angry at him it would be abuse.

He sounds like he is being abusive.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband got like that once and all we did was move 12 hours away. He hated his job, the location, all of it. And we moved for his job go figure. We lasted 1.5 years before he ended up quitting that job to move back home. He never got better. He wasn't abusive or depressed just unhappy.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Syrum and magnoliagal, 

I don't think my husband is abusive either, he is just really in the end of his rope. I understand this and I try to offer support, but I admit lately I have felt exhausted by it as well and have failed to be there for him fully.

And I am starting to lose hope in this country too. The culture has some horrible sides to it and some of the charasteristic personality traits here are difficult to deal with -- and maybe impossible to someone like my husband, who comes from a completely different social culture. 

Maybe we will end up having to move as well, and I am not opposed to that. I have suggested this to my husband times before. But even in that case I would need him to be calm enough to make rational decisions and realistic plans how, where and when. At the moment that is not possible, he only sees dead ends and yearns for an escape, all options seem horrible. 

As an international couple with very different fields of work, his especially difficult to find work in, i feel that we will have to make solid plans, whatever the country in question may be. Despite the horrible culture and difficulties, this is the country where we have the most solid support system, since my family is quite big and always there for those in need. Of course in many other countries the culture would be more welcoming and many difficulties wouldn't exist at all. Still I don't think it's wise to go anywhere without figuring out things beforehand. We weren't prepared enough for his move here, and some disappointments he has had I think could have been avoided.

Unlike you, *magnoliagal*, unfortunately we don't have any place to go back to, we have to start from scratch everywhere. Probably his country is the best choice, at least the culture is friendly and familiar to him, but getting a job would be difficult for both of us, and for me to get resident permit there takes much more time than it did for him here. So, we cannot just take the next flight back there either. 

I am open to all options, I don't object change. We are now looking for a place from a bigger city here, where there are more other foreigners and activities, to see if there he would survive better. So far things haven't been too positive there either, but we will see. If things only get worse, we will have to start making plans to move to some other country as well. 

Maybe it was a foolish decision for him to come here in the first place, and at least i admit it was a rushed one. But now we are here, and somehow we have to survive the place alive.


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## 5cott (Feb 17, 2011)

I relate to what you are saying, because my situation is similar. I worked for 21 years in the computer field and got laid-off in 2004. Since then, my wife has been the bread-winner, and sometimes I feel very angry. I have tried to get into other professional fields, but without success (so far), but I am still trying.

One thing which has helped me is to think of myself as my wife's support system. Her job pays very well, and I am grateful that we are doing well financially, and I don't even have to work! In the morning I help her get up, and I make her breakfast. I pack her lunch and help her decide what to wear that day. I also make sure her outfit looks good. When she comes home I cook her dinner. Sometimes we go out for dinner and usually then shop for groceries.

I'm not very good at housecleaning. I'll do some housecleaning if it is absolutely necessary. Like if the carpet hasn't been vacuumed for six months and you can see clumps of dirt and hair in it! My wife's pretty tolerant that way.

While she's at work I'll do things like mow the lawn or gardening, or use the time to further my own professional goals, or to read books about psychology, spirituality, etc., or play with our dogs and cats.

But sometimes it all weighs on me and I'll have outbursts of anger. So far she has tolerated it.

So I guess I'm a "house-husband," and there is nothing wrong with that.


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## SonicHedgehog (Jun 5, 2011)

Regarding the OP, I am in a similar situation. Specifically, my husband immigrated to my home country, and is finding it very difficult to assimilate. 

In my husband's case, I've seen signs that he simply does not want to assimilate, or accept living in this country. For example, he was very social in his home country (we lived there together for two years before moving to my country four years ago), and now he is not active to make friends or get comfortable with people. We even live very close to an area that has a very large community of people from his homeland, so there are opportunities to not only meet people, but create friendships. 

Generally, to me it seems that he has shut down. He has become very dependent on me and my parents (we live with my parents, also huge strain on our marriage for various reasons). I used to check his email for him until I insisted that he learn to do this himself. You know what happened? He accumulated hundreds of emails because he didn't check it himself. And the thing is, he had a computer and email and used it in his home country before! 

He is highly skilled in his trade, and has had some successes finding work, however, there are times where he has no work for a month or so. This causes financial stress as well as mental stress because my husband feels embarrassed and uncomfortable in front of my parents when he's not working. He does help tremendously around the house which saved my parents significant $$. But, he's still not being active about finding more work or getting out there to support our family (we have 1 child). He didn't know the language when he came here but now knows enough to conduct business. 

One of the reasons I internet searched this topic was because my husband just told me he hates his life. He has changed; he's not like he was four years ago. I am also less attracted to him in the past 6 months. I felt a gradual loss starting about a year ago. 
A couple of things about me, I'm 12 years younger than my husband and was not established in my own country when we married (i was 22 yrs old). I finished my degree and had my baby. For two years I worked with my husband helping to establish his business and translate/communicate for him. As his language skills improved, he was more successful communicating than me, as he is a business man, and I am certainly not. Around that time, he encouraged me to pursue my professional ambitions that unfortunately are not helping our finances yet, as my career requires many years of schooling (still in school).

He has said to me that the only reason he is here is because of me. Very simply, yes that's the reason, but the way he says that seems like he's blaming me for moving here. Is he? The decision was made by both of us, yes, rushed, not well planned, but unexpected situations/uncertainties would be the case even if everything is planned. There are usually unknowns and unexpected circumstance in new experiences. We have been fighting due to various intolerances (even ridiculous ones). The strength of our arguments has also increased; louder and scarier. I had never seen my husband lose his temper or be angry before; he had nerves of steel earlier. 

Anyway, pls excuse the rambling, long post; I've been googling related situations for 3 years or so, and this is the first time I posted, or communicated these issues really. I felt I should post bc the original post seemed to be the most similar situation to mine that i've yet encountered. Thanks for reading.


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## 5cott (Feb 17, 2011)

Ms. Hedgehog-
So he "hates his life"? That phrase really stands out for me. You're a part of his life, a very important part. And he "hates" it? Are you, like, the only good part of his life or something? It can be horribly difficult living with some one who hates his life! I think you deserve a better man. You've been putting up with this for three years? And you're still young, in your mid twenties? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## SonicHedgehog (Jun 5, 2011)

His lack independence is not only really unattractive to me, but also creates massive problems, some of which could be easily avoided. I understand that it is difficult, especially for someone in their 30s, starting over in a new country. I do help him, I do whatever I can, but I don't want to enable him. And I want him to learn and gain confidence in this country, because no, i'm not willing to live like this for the rest of my life. Also, I simply do not want to put my time in to do every little thing for him, and allow my studies to suffer. For me it's just too much, especially when I know that he has more time than me during the periods he's not working. it's draining when home is not a place of peace. Sometimes I feel like sitting in my car (just in the driveway!) to relax from the chaos! 
I feel bad because he doesn't have other family here and he left everything behind in his home country. He is a very good person; he has a good heart. He's also an excellent father. At this point I won't leave because of the guilt I'd feel that I ruined his life and attempt at having a family (he very much wanted to settle down and have a family when we met). I feel obligated to make him comfortable in this country and take care of him being that it's so difficult for him and we're here because I'm from here (we chose to come here, it wasn't the only option). Having had a sheltered upbringing, i'm still learning how to take care of myself!

Bottom line is, much was lost in the relationship because we didn't nurture it; we never established our family unit either. we have yet to live as our own family, in our own space. Little independence, big transitions and unfortunately I'm not really comfortable in the role of sole head of the household. I guess i'm not willing, so I'm like a spoiled rich girl, so to speak.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

SonicHedgehog, 
Thanks for sharing your story, it does bear a stunning resemblance to my own. With the exception, that you have been trying to live there for 4 years and we only 4 months.

My husband has really lost all hope and energy. You said you husband hates his life. Mine hates his life, himself, and today he has also stated he hates this marriage. There are no words to describe how much that hurts me. My husband _does_ blame me for his misery here. He is so wrapped up in his anger and hurt, that he can't see straight. He feels trapped and helpless. "Why was I the one who had to leave everything, I had more than you!" he says. Even though at the time of him moving here, he didn't have anything to tie him to his home country, and I had a desperate need to work to earn money -- savings for _our_ future.

He blames me, because there is no one else to blame. He blames the marriage, because that is the reason he is here. He only sees dead ends: to stay here is death, to go somewhere else is difficult and possibly i will end up in his shoes -- plus he is convinced my family and i myself will hate him if he takes me away from here before it was planned (we're meant to stay here for 1 year for me to finish my master's degree). 

I don't know what to do.

I help him with whatever I can to be able to adjust here. And I've told him we can leave. Every new obstacle, be it however small, just drives him back to a more negative place than before. One step forward, two steps back. To a point where he hates everything and wants to blame me for ruining his life (i know he doesn't rationally think so, and even he does, but he is backed in to a corner, he has nothing but anger).

You have my deepest sympathies, SonicHedgehog, I know how you feel. In addition to all this, we are only in the beginning of our marriage, and that alone is difficult. With all this added difficulty, my husband now feels that he is "not happy in this marriage". Even though it is not the marriage, it's the living situation and countless setbacks that have driven him to this state.

I feel helpless as well.


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## SonicHedgehog (Jun 5, 2011)

Tiredandout, wow I feel for you. Your situation sounds really intense, especially because it's only been 4 mos. Here's the thing, you're the one who is trying to do something for your marriage and your future together. You're the one seeking advice/possible solutions to help the situation. You're studying; it's so so important that you finish your degree. It's really frustrating when one feels like there the only one putting in effort. Also, it's hard to be happy or sustain energy to help someone when they make you feel guilty for existing! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes. I understand the one step forward two steps back; we got that here too. I can see that it's frustrating and seriously challenging living and thriving in a foreign country; I guess there are people who embrace it and take on the challenge and those that don't have it in them or don't want to. There has to be a balance ( at least for me, I can't imagine being the only one putting in effort and accepting negativity for that effort); we only get one life and it's not right or fair to live as a martyr living for some one else. Bottom line, where were his balls when deciding where to live? How come now it's brought up and you're blamed? I believe this was stated out of embarrassment and dissatisfaction with the current situation; but blaming you is not constructive. I had the same thing, he said, "Yea we should go to your country! It wont be easy but It'll be great!" then when things turned out not as great as expected, "we should have stayed over there". I actually liked where we lived before(I was there 2 years) but I was a student and no kids, so I really just toured the town and went to cafes, really didn't have responsibilities or worries so of course it was fun. 
Please make sure you take care of yourself through this; how can you take care of another if you're not well, right? Also, encouraging your husband instead of doing things for him will help him more in the long run, but if it goes unappreciated or disregarded, then it's disrespectful to you and that's not a healthy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

I live in my h native country so I can relate very well to what you are talking about. A little about me so you understand I am not new to the living in another country.

My husband and I have made 6 international moves, we have lived in 4 different countries. We have lived in the USA, lived in his country and two countries where we were both foreigners. We have moved back to his home country 2 years ago, we have lived here before but we didn't think it was what we wanted. Now after being around the world, we know that this is where our home is suppose to be. 

My h and myself have had many issues with cross culture/cross border issues. I am lousy at learning languages. I avoid situations where I feel that my language skills are not up to par. It has frustrated him as well but we compromise. 

Unfortunately, there is no easy cure for this and its going be a long hard road for you both. This is something that is dealt with and is gone in a few months. These feelings you may deal with for a few years. You are not just dealing with depression but also with feelings of isolation, homesickness and failure (anything from not providing for his family to failing at the "American dream"). 

These are things that are often suggested to expats to help with all those feelings.

You husband should enroll in a English class if you live in too small area then find him a tutor. Put an add in you local paper. He can even do language exchange where he teaches his language and learns English at the same time. Basic English will get you both a long way.

Second he needs to find a hobby. Something that gets him thinking about other things. Things that get him out of the house are also ideal. Walks in the parks, photography, community sports. This allows him to build up his own small triumphs that will build his self confidence in the new land. You both going to sports bar to watch a game one night even can be a good thing.

One of the reason we try to get outdoors is you never know who you will meet. You would be surprised at the number of people who speak foreign languages or the number of people that are just interested in learning about other peoples cultures. 


Finally, you both need to work out some boundaries/goals. I see you have started setting up them, but it seems to have added to his fears. Since he is concerned about what your family thinks if you move away, make sure that these are something you family is aware of and that he knows that you have told them. 
In today's world, Skype is your friend. Everyone is just a phone call away.  

I hope this helps.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

My husband and I are the same nationality, but he moved in our home country for me /he was living abroad for 6 years/ When he moved here he knew we'll be living in my hometown / he's from another town in the same country/ and seemed okay with it. After we got married it became more obvious that we feels alone in here. He got really irritated by much more stuff than he used to. We started fighting a lot more. I'm pretty sure that's the reason, because in every fight i turns out that " i don't know what is like to live in some foreign town, afar from friends and relatives" 
I know that must be hard for him, but my family and friends have been more than supporting. I feel I'm being punished for "choosing" to live here. That's only because here we have where to live and work. I offered to go anywhere with him, but that never happened...don't know why if he's so unhappy here....?


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

I had to cope with my boyfriend's depression for 2+ years , so I can relate. 

What you feel is definitely normal, reasonable. 

I found educating myself about depression and my own feelings helpful , which has helped me survive that horrible esposide and save the relationship. I am not saying it is easy but it certainly helps. 

Be strong there-- two books I would recommend " Depression Fallout" by Anne Sheffield, " Is he depressed or what?" by David B. Wexler.

Also, always keep in mind and I believe you do know, the hurtful words your husband says is from his depression, not his normal self. Detach yourself from these negative comments -- it's hard, but it will keep you sane. 

Assure him that your love and support for him, but make it clear that you are not responsible for his negative feelings because that's his choice as well and he is a grown-up. Don't try to take care of everything, make him do his part --- depressed or not, he is the husband and he has responsibilities --- a large part of his anger comes from feeling powerless and useless --hold him emotionally and financially responsible, you can help him adjust but you can't do it for him. You can simply say something like " I really don't have time today, can you go to the post office yourself" 

Don't be afraid, set boundaries, hold him responsible, let him know his behaviors hurt you, be supportive , be educated. You will come out strong.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

tiredandout said:


> I'm new here. And apologize for writing a novel.
> 
> Our story is that my husband moved into another country, mine, without having anything here waiting besides me. We made this decision together, i didn't present it as the only option. I also did discuss whether he should first try to arrange himslef a job or something here, but he refused and just hopped on a plane.
> 
> ...


Tired, I think you need to get him to a doctor and get him treated for DEPRESSION, which manifests itself in men as anger and general *****iness. Often, anti-depressants work so quickly and so dramatically that even the patient himself can't believe the difference. 

It can't hurt...


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## loughborough_derby (Oct 17, 2011)

Hi tiredandout,

I hope you are still checking this forum now and then. Anyway, I could emphatize your husband's depression and anxiety as I am actually at the same position as him. I met my husband while I studied in his country and ended up moving to his country to live with him. However, even with my previous experience of living in this country, I still find it hard to shake off the unhappiness due to living in a country with a completely different language and culture here.
It just feels that even for simple things, such as having small talks with colleague at work, prove to be so difficult and mentally demanding. The worst thing is, just like your husband, I don't know how to handle my unhappiness.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I haven't checked on this post for a while. Thank you all for your great replies!

In the meanwhile, I have tried to educate myself more and more about both depression, and to which extend my husband's anger can be explained by that — as well as really trying to understand his situation better and better, trying to avoid the "it's so horrible here and you can't understand" frustration.

My husband did actually eventually go see a doctor about this. He has seen the doctor a couple of times now, but that's all. He refuses drugs, and I respect that decision. I wished he could've gotten more conversational help, but to clear things up a bit, my native language is not English, his is. We live in a non-English speaking country, where getting conversational help in English turned out much more difficult than I would've ever imagined.

The few talks he has had with the doctor (and immigrant himself by chance) have made him feel a bit better though. Another reason for feeling a bit better is that he has gotten more busy with projects he is trying to self-employ himself with. This was good for helping him feel unneeded — but again brought on quite much stress.

I understand it is very difficult for him to live here. I have lived in another country before, and can only imagine what it is like when you don't have anything TO DO, in a place much smaller than he's used to, where the language is so difficult, social culture so cold. I completely understand. This is why we have made plans now to move away — at least for a try out period — after Christmas. Neither of us knows if that will make things better, all we can do is to try to make a change, if things don't start to work out here.

I do think a source of frustration and rows that we can start fixing here and now, is that we are not very good at solving our conflicts and communicating with each other. I have trouble talking about my feelings and needs, whereas he cannot help but to express his very directly and in a very emotionally loaded way. This makes him sound quite accusative and aggressive when he's upset (at least to me, who am not used to that way of communicating), and I struggle to listen to him, when my natural response is to put up defenses — and to become afraid of telling things to him that I think might upset him.

We will be working on this from now on and hopefully will see improvements in our communication that could help us both. 

He is a wonderful man and truly the love of my life. I understand he is under very much stress here, the start of our marriage has been rocky to say the least. But I have no doubt that with both our effort and possibly some more outside help we couldn't find balance. Maybe we won't find it here in my country, but somewhere.


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