# Post-cancer wife wants to separate



## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Looking for advice on separation -- ie, should I move out or not?

My wife (41) and I (43) have been married for 14 years and have three kids (13, 11, 9). We're a military family and have moved many times over the course of our marriage, along with my being gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. She is very capable and independent, but also has felt separated from her family and on her own many times. I've tried to see to her needs by encouraging her to travel, and when the opportunity arose, we've moved where possible to be close to her family. We have very different interests and personality (she's an extrovert, I'm an introvert) but we made it work and we used to have a passion for each other that made us the envy of our friends. Privately, after having kids, sex and intimacy became more and more infrequent, which has been a point of frustration for both of us.

Two years ago, she sat me down and told me that she loved me, but had no desire to ever have sex again, and my being there put pressure on her. She had begun looking forward to me having duty away from her. Every time I kissed her, or touched her, she felt strings were attached and I expected sex (which we were only having about once a month at that point). She said she doesn't blame me, and that I tried to engage her romantically with flowers, and gifts, candles, date nights, movies, etc., but there was always an undercurrent that I expected sex. She wondered if she might feel desire with someone else in the future, and that it was unfair to me to cut out that whole section of our marriage, stating that divorcing might be best. I talked with a chaplain who said I needed to give her space and time. On his advice, I took sex off the table so she would not feel pressured. I've continued to show her affection, tell her I love her, and make small romantic gestures, but without actions toward being intimate.

A month or two after that discussion, she was diagnosed with Stage IIB breast cancer on her right side. She has had a number of body issues over the years. She was heavier when we met, and had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight about 7 years ago. She also had to have a hysterectomy after our third child, and went into early medical menopause. She took estrogen and other drugs to deal with that, and to address her loss of libido after having kids. That may have led to her breast cancer, for which she had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction (ongoing). Her mom moved in to assist me as caregiver, but now that she's mostly recovered, her mom is on the way out again.

While this went on, neither of us mentioned the issue of separation, and I hoped my support and patience would re-open her heart, but she took me aside again this week and told me nothing had changed. It's now been almost two years since we last had sex. Again, she stressed it was not me, and that I'd done all and more that anyone could ask. She loves me, but wants to separate after the kids finish school for the year, with me probably moving out and putting the house up for sale. There is no infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, and we seem to get along well. She just says that she has no passion for anything, and that even though I've taken the pressure off her to have sex, my presence still makes her feel pressured. She's apparently been saving money for a lawyer this whole time. 

I love her. I only want her, but this whole thing just confuses the hell out of me. And I don't want to destroy or lose the life we've made for ourselves, not to mention the affect divorce would have on our kids, our finances, and everything else. I'm talking to the chaplains again and she's agreed to see one. This new chaplain told me that feelings follow action, so he says we should try to be intimate so she can rediscover that part of our lives together, but her mind seems made up. Is this a lost cause? What else can I do to win her back? Is this just a mid-life crisis I should ride out? Should I resist her desire to have me move out?

Sincerely, 
The Rememberist


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

*She wants me to go, but . . . .*

Looking for a female perspective on my wife and my potential separation -- ie, should I move out or not?

My wife (41) and I (43) have been married for 14 years and have three kids (13, 11, 9). We're a military family and have moved many times over the course of our marriage, along with my being gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. She is very capable and independent, but also has felt separated from her family and on her own many times. I've tried to see to her needs by encouraging her to travel, and when the opportunity arose, we've moved where possible to be close to her family. We have very different interests and personality (she's an extrovert, I'm an introvert) but we made it work and we used to have a passion for each other that made us the envy of our friends. Privately, after having kids, sex and intimacy became more and more infrequent, which has been a point of frustration for both of us.

Two years ago, she sat me down and told me that she loved me, but had no desire to ever have sex again, and my being there put pressure on her. She had begun looking forward to me having duty away from her. Every time I kissed her, or touched her, she felt strings were attached and I expected sex (which we were only having about once a month at that point). She said she doesn't blame me, and that I tried to engage her romantically with flowers, and gifts, candles, date nights, movies, etc., but there was always an undercurrent that I expected sex. She wondered if she might feel desire with someone else in the future, and that it was unfair to me to cut out that whole section of our marriage, stating that divorcing might be best. I talked with a chaplain who said I needed to give her space and time. On his advice, I took sex off the table so she would not feel pressured. I've continued to show her affection, tell her I love her, and make small romantic gestures, but without actions toward being intimate.

A month or two after that discussion, she was diagnosed with Stage IIB breast cancer on her right side. She has had a number of body issues over the years. She was heavier when we met, and had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight about 7 years ago. She also had to have a hysterectomy after our third child, and went into early medical menopause. She took estrogen and other drugs to deal with that, and to address her loss of libido after having kids. That may have led to her breast cancer, for which she had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction (ongoing). Her mom moved in to assist me as caregiver, but now that she's mostly recovered, her mom is on the way out again.

While this went on, neither of us mentioned the issue of separation, and I hoped my support and patience would re-open her heart, but she took me aside again this week and told me nothing had changed. It's now been almost two years since we last had sex. Again, she stressed it was not me, and that I'd done all and more that anyone could ask. She loves me, but wants to separate after the kids finish school for the year, with me probably moving out and putting the house up for sale. There is no infidelity, emotional or physical abuse, and we seem to get along well. She just says that she has no passion for anything, and that even though I've taken the pressure off her to have sex, my presence still makes her feel pressured. She's apparently been saving money for a lawyer this whole time. 

I love her. I only want her, but this whole thing just confuses the hell out of me. And I don't want to destroy or lose the life we've made for ourselves, not to mention the affect divorce would have on our kids, our finances, and everything else. I'm talking to the chaplains again and she's agreed to see one. This new chaplain told me that feelings follow action, so he says we should try to be intimate so she can rediscover that part of our lives together, but her mind seems made up. Is this a lost cause? What else can I do to win her back? Is this just a mid-life crisis I should ride out? Should I resist her desire to have me move out?

Sincerely, 
The Rememberist


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Can you imagine yourself going the next 40 - 50 years without the affection, intimacy and touch of a woman?

Yes, a divorce would definitely suck for the kids but maybe there's some kind of arrangement you can make with your wife to maintain normalcy for them while you both get your needs met.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read the MMSLP and NOT JUST FRIENDS books below. That might help you.

My opinion is that she either has another man or her hormones have been strongly affected by her physical condition. We have seen that a lot here. However, why would that mean she wanted to get rid of you? That part doesn't fit but fits if she has a new love interest.

Refusing sex is very often a red flag of adultery. Surgery to lose weight is followed by a high percentage of cheating also. Almost everyone believes their cheating wife isn't/wouldn't cheat. We see that all the time here too. The fact is, 4 out of 5 cheaters are never caught.

Number one, she is the one that wants out, tell her to move out and you want 50/50 custody.

Also, get the free NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY book here and see if this applies to you. https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Also visit the dadsdivorce.com website


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## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*

I answered you on your other thread, I didn't see this one first, sorry.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*

You need to ask a mod to combine these threads, please. Not necessary to have the same thing in multiples places.

This is very sad, but it sounds like you should let this woman go . It sounds like the two of you can still be amicable, and that's really what is most important for the kids. Just keep being great parents, loving them, etc. and they will be just fine. So will you when you realize it's possible for you to move on and find someone who desires to be in a relationship.


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*

I apologize for the multiple links/threads. just want to find an answer that magically fixes everything. Which, realistically, I'll never get.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*

I sincerely feel for you. I'm retired military. It takes a very special women to survive and thrive as a military wife. Not many are cut out for that. You have been a good father, husband and man. You have tried your best to do all the right things for your family, your country and your marriage. 

The horrible tragedy is that sometimes our best just isn't enough. In your case as well as many others it never could be enough because the fault, failing or whatever you choose to call it was not in you. 

I don't know why your wife is the way she is. I'm not blaming her either. But this is a sad case of life where the reality is what it is. Your wife is no longer and from what you describe hasn't been a fully committed wife to you for some time and has no plans to be one again. She has checked out. You are both adults. Adults make choices. We can not control the choices others make. You can only control what you can control and that is you and how you chose to live your life. 

I would like you to consider that she is doing her best to give you the gift of freedom. The freedom to find a partner to love you in the way you need and deserved to be loved. She is unable or unwilling to do that so she is setting you free. I know that is not what you want but unfortunately we don't always get what we want in life. But we often get what we need if we are willing to take it. 

I also want you to remember that your children take their cues and learn what a marriage is from observing their parents. In many cases they will seek out the same because that was what they learned. So think about the example your both setting for your children. Do you want them to chose the same as what you have? 

You still have an opportunity to find a loving healthy partner. You can even be friendly with your XW and that you can be friends. Just not husband and wife. Would you want your children to live in a loveless marriage? 

Remember when one door closes another one opens. You just have to look for it. Good luck.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*



Rememberist said:


> I apologize for the multiple links/threads. just want to find an answer that magically fixes everything. Which, realistically, I'll never get.


No, sadly you won't .


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

"she has no passion for anything"

sounds like depression. so no hobbies? any interests (movies, music, reading)?

how is she with the kid's activities? does it seem she just is going through the motions?

is she willing to see a doctor about this condition?


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

ReidWright said:


> "she has no passion for anything"
> 
> sounds like depression. so no hobbies? any interests (movies, music, reading)?
> 
> ...


She likes to gab with friends, spends an inordinate amount of time on Facebook, watch women's/reality TV, garden. She's been interested in remodeling the house recently, but admitted that's because she's been of a mind to get it ready for the market. She's a good mom, but gets very frustrated with the kids and feels like the stress between us is causing her to lash out at them. Our little son is a sweet heart. His older sisters are constantly clashing, with the eldest having insecurity and body issues, and the middle daughter acting very mean and lashing out all the time. I play the peacemaker half the time and the authoritarian the other half it seems. She's enthusiastic about everything but me . . . or at least it appears that way. She has not seen a counselor, but her oncology doc and surgeon have told her that divorce post-breast cancer is not uncommon, as it wakes everyone up to their mortality. I always thought that was shallow husbands ditching their wives, but in this case she wants to release me / be released from her obligation to me.


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

Rememberist said:


> She has not seen a counselor, but her oncology doc and surgeon have told her that divorce post-breast cancer is not uncommon, as it wakes everyone up to their mortality. I always thought that was shallow husbands ditching their wives, but in this case she wants to release me / be released from her obligation to me.


Didn't she want to do this _before_ the cancer came calling?


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Shipwreck said:


> Didn't she want to do this _before_ the cancer came calling?


Yes. She's the one that brought up what the oncologist said, the "thinking about mortality" rationale. Maybe she's justifying her decision to herself, maybe it made her want to end something rather than work it back to what it should be. I don't know. But you're right, she talked about possible separation before the diagnosis.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

If I were a professional, I would look into her past experiences/ trauma...particularly what led to her obesity that required an intervention of gastric bypass as well as possibly her disdain for sex. Yes, could be hormonal/physical, but also could be past child abuse there. 

I would also would like to measure her stress/coping ability...just what exactly put her so at the end of her tether that she had to consider isolating herself away from her marriage. I agree that significant health events (and your wife had several) can be a decisive crossroad for some, not to mention your wife is hitting the age where many women take an inventory over their life and seek a major overhaul in their lives.

She has mentioned "pressure" to you. It is interesting how one's desire for their spouse can be perceived as negative pressure. This sort of behavior sets off my infidelity alert, but I wonder if her health events already coupled with her inability to deal with marriage...is leading to act like a dog who wants to go in the woods to die. Just an impression.

At this stage, just listen and be supportive when she wants to talk...and DO NOT try to cajole, corral, fix, react, cry, beg, plead, make value statements, or show anger, fear, make apologies. Just listen. 

At the same time, I would do some minor investigating as to whether she is actually seeing someone else. Is she treating you rudely? Lack of focus? Very protective of her phone or computer privacy? Lots of weird reasons for going out or odd excuses for coming home late? Just to rule it out...but my guess is that marriage/intimacy is so emotionally painful to her that she can't cope with it and wants to isolate.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would say let her go. She has told you point blank what she wants. She is actually doing you a favor, she is releasing you so that you can find real happiness in your future. Her reasoning really doesnt matter why in the long run, it is what it is.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: She wants me to go, but . . . .*

What do you want for HER?


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## Shipwreck (Jan 2, 2015)

If you do split up get yourself a REALLY good CIVILIAN lawyer not a JAG officer. You've been married over 10 years and have kids plus there's your military pension to be negotiated. 

Been there.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Legally:

Unless it is unsafe, DO NOT move out of your home until you have a custody and support order in place. Depending on what state you are in, you could harm your case by moving out now. Read this article 

Why Moving Out Is the Biggest Mistake in a Divorce*|*Joseph E. Cordell

Relationship wise:

Based upon what you described as far her cancer treatment, it may just be that she is confused and overwhelmed, however, you said that this was brought up a couple of years ago as well. So i'm thinking she has checked herself out of the marriage. You really need to focus on yourself and detaching away from her. Read up on the 180. Start taking care of yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Her computer and facebook usage is another possible red flag for cheating. Have you checked to see who and how often she communicating with? Have you checked the phone bill to see who she is texting and talking too?

Be aware, cheaters will put lovers numbers under someone else's name. There are also a lot of ways to hide texts with apps and websites like facebook and twitter and pinterest.


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Well, an update. I'm the sailor with a breast cancer stricken wife who said she felt we had grown apart and wanted to maybe separate.

We both saw the same chaplain separately and things were getting better. No intimacy, but more affection and upbeat friendliness. I went on a couple of work trips alone, and I had no problem with her taking a couple of trips home for breast cancer walks and to be at her friend's daughter's graduation. 

This last week we celebrated our 15 year wedding anniversary with a harbor wine cruise. Had a lot of fun, slow danced, etc. It looked like things were finally turning around. But she had too much to drink and passed out at home, so no anniversary/make-up nookie (our first in two years). The next day, we're alone at home, content, and I say how about we finish what we were starting yesterday. 

Nope. Her feelings have not changed. In fact, she said counseling was not helping, and she did not see a need in couples counseling. She wanted to move forward with a separation and divorce. But still she loved me, it was unfair for neither of us to have a life of no intimacy, but she no longer felt that way. She said we had grown apart. I told her I haven't, she shut down on me. I try to engage her in companionship, romance, and intimacy regularly.

My plan was to separate, and let her learn that life is better together. I'd be sweet and supportive through the whole thing until it was over or she woke up.

Then someone anonymous messages me. They had seen all our happy pics from the anniversary and they couldn't stand her continuing to lie to me. This person who must know her from back home said she was having an affair with a lover in her home state and that they could no longer stand the disgusting way she was keeping me in the dark. Said she was planning to divorce me no matter what.

I confront the wife. She denies it, but she's very cagey. I pressure and question and probe. Finally she admits she has "reconnected" with the guy she was with before me, the guy that dumped her and broke her heart the year before we met. She had always had lingering feelings for him, could not explain why she was withdrawing from me, and the cancer put it all in perspective for her. She "emotionally reconnected" with him, but insisted they had not kissed or done anything during her trips home.

Yet, someone thought their "reconnection" was blatant enough to call it an affair and send me an anonymous message.

I'm done. I'm not going to fight her or fight for her. She's thrown away our lives. I tell my best friend and family, and they insist they always saw this flighty/mean streak, but never said anything because I was marrying the girl I loved. Thanks for that.

My brother says that she was a big gal when we met, then my insurance paid for her gastric bypass, breast cancer treatments, and breast reconstruction, she's now better looking than she's ever been. Rather than share that bounty with the guy who supported her through 5 years of waning action and two years of no sex, she turned to the one who got away. He says she's a spoiled child and it's not my fault, but I blame myself anyway.

Why wasn't I good enough for her? Do I hide her burgeoning infidelity from my kids? Do I go the mutual amicable divorce route or the expensive, vindictive one?

My apologies to everyone who told me she was probably cheating. I didn't believe she could or would and I was wrong.

- Rememberist


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you tell your kids. Shes already making you oUt to be the bad guy. You tell your friends, her friends, your parents and her parents. You do not move out. She can move out. See a lawyer so she cant run off with your kids.

Gonto dadsdivorce.com

Btw, cutting you off is a sure sign of a physical affair. How long has this been going on?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You would be wise to open a thread in the coping with infidelity section. You will get a to more advice from people that have been where you are.

Have you checked cell records?


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Waning and begrudging sex for five years, then bursts where she was manic for me, then none for the last two years when she first brought up our problems and she dealt with the cancer, with me as her primary caregiver.

You know, she developed this really inspiring facebook following as she fought cancer. Got very much into the boober groups. She profusely thanked all and sundry for their support and assistance. Her mom, sister, friends, facebook aquaintances, distant family, etc. Hardly one mention of me. Never any proud public declarations when I had a success or a birthday or anything like I saw from anybody else. It always bugged me, but I didn't wanna be this needy, touchy weak guy in search of public validation. I told myself I didn't need accolades, it was my vow to take care of her and I was proud to do it. Now it seems like she was setting up a public persona for "he was never there for me, so obviously it all fell apart." No one knows who I am here, but that is NOT the way it was.

She says I'm being stupid when I say the FIRST thing everyone is going to think when they see what happened to us is that I abandoned my cancer stricken wife and left her alone with three kids. But isn't that what people would tend to think?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the posom married?


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

Not yet.


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## Rememberist (May 26, 2015)

No, the other dude isn't married. He has an adult kid and is a good 10 years older than my wife. I was the youngest guy she ever dated (only a year older). I knew my wife communicated with the guy's adult kid, but had no idea she ever talked with the man himself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google the 180 on this site. My landline internet is out and i cant give you a link from this phone.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The most important thing is to not move out and see a lawyer asap. Also take half the funds out of joint accts and open your own. Stop pay hecks from joint accts. cancel all joint credit cards etc. this is just standard stuff when dealing with an unremorseful cheater.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Expose her...everywhere. Then file.

Give her the divorce and find someone better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Contact a moderator like amplexor, deejo or el girl and have this thread moved to cwi. You will get way more support for what youre dealing with.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Its almost like clockwork.

Every time a spouse come on TAM with the partner who wants a separation, loves them but doesn't feel in love anymore, etc, etc......eventually here comes the POS AP.

Expose her A to everyone and file for D immediately.

And she is lying through her teeth about what has gone down with this POSOM.....whatever she has done has been bad enough to provoke a total stranger into giving you a heads up because they were so disgusted.


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