# the kids asking me to come home



## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

For me the hardest part of post divorce is when the kids ask me to come home. "Dad i miss you and i want you to come home"
I tell them that Mum and Dad love them and we'll always be there to support them.
It's just plain tough and makes my heart sink every time!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am so sorry to hear this, it is heartbreaking 

Do you do shared care with your ex? When the kids are with you do they have their own rooms?
What ages are the children?


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi Holland,
The kids ages are 4 and 7 both boys.
Yes, they have their own room at my apartment.
I'm a weekend Dad, friday night one weekend, saturday night the other weekend. This schedule makes it easier for work and school.
I've moved out just under a year ago.
My eldest is very attached to me. He still cries when i have to drop him back at their mums. Tonight when i called to say "hello" they both asked me to move back home.
What can i say. It's hard to see them upset and hurt.
I hope it will get easier for them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It must hurt you so much. My 2 are older and we do 50/50 care, even so it took at least 12 months for the kids to find some peace with the whole situation, now they seem to go back and forth between houses quite easily.

Is there anyway you can see your boys more, dinner during the week for eg?

Just keep reassuring them that they are loved and this is not because of anything they did. I know it is hard but time will improve the situation.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Those are hard ages to deal with a divorce, both for the kids and parents. I always feel for people with young kids going through this. It gets easier as they get older. 

I went to a parenting class yesterday at the courthouse. It's state mandated for anyone with minor children. It was pretty good until the speaker opened up the floor to Q&A. Then I felt like I was sitting in a family therapy session and it dragged on too long. 

Anyway, it dealt with situations with parents divorcing with children, how to deal with the other spouse, talk to the kids, etc. It was mostly common sense stuff and I'm glad to say that my STBXH and I seem to be doing pretty well, everything considered. It was a pain to go but I think it was good to go. 

Basically they said to always let the kids know that THEY come first and put your differences aside and try and be cordial and friendly so you can effectively co-parent. But even so, it's so hard on the kids, especially the smaller ones who probably don't know or understand all that is going on.  I would imagine that it's DOUBLY important that you are as polite and cordial with your ex as you can be if you have kids who are really young. 

One reason I didn't divorce my husband 10 years ago was because of the kid's ages. I just didn't feel I was mentally/emotionaly ready to deal with that situation.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

gumboot said:


> Hi Holland,
> The kids ages are 4 and 7 both boys.
> Yes, they have their own room at my apartment.
> I'm a weekend Dad, friday night one weekend, saturday night the other weekend. This schedule makes it easier for work and school.


:scratchhead: You only see them at night? Do you work during the day? That's got to be hard because they are going back and forth so much. Must confuse them. I do that a lot with my son, but he's 15 and his father lives about 3 minutes from here so if my son gets to missing his dad he'll ask if he can just head over there for an hour or two and his father will just run over and pick him up, maybe take him out for a meal or bring him back to his place to play a game or watch a movie. 

Last weekend his father called and had a few hours free and wanted to see our son so I told to just come over and hang out for a few hours. My son really liked that.  If my daughter isn't around I often encourage my husband just just come over and chill out for a short period of time just to make my son feel good, especially on a school night. Plus, I don't mind catching up on what's going on with him. 

The friendlier you can be with the ex, the better. It makes things MUCH easier and if you can hang out together and be a "family" as much as possible it really makes a big difference to the kids.


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi Freak on a Leash,
I spend the days with the kids on the weekends (Friday, Saturday day and then Saturday and Sunday day the alternate weekends).
The kids really enjoy time with Dad and i make sure the time is fun and that we get out and do activities like riding bikes and swimming etc.

I've been to the parenting courses that are run by the state too.
As the kids get older they'll be able to spend more time with me.
Unfortunately my Ex-W is still pretty hostile and still harbours a lot of resentment (she wanted me to leave, gave up on the marriage, so i started divorce proceedings). She still wants to punish me. I've been practicing NC mainly to help myself get over the D. I just try to be business like and will only talk about issues that relate to the kids. I agree it would be easier to co-parent if we were friendlier and we could do things as a family. I took the kids to a birthday party yesterday and my Ex turned up. We were there as together as a family, but, i must say it wasn't the most comfortable situation.

Adjusting to the D has been hard for everyone, i thought that the kids may have settled by now. When they ask me to come home i really do question whether D has been the right decision and it stirs up the emotions. Moving forward, onward and upward!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I feel for you GB , this is the hardest thing for me too . It's just insane , heartbreaking and how in the fk are we suppose to make it sound good - all better . or to some point for our kids. It literally makes me sick to the stomach.
I know I can't let it get to me , somehow perk it up for my D , have to be strong about it for them but !

The thing to that I will just never be able to get my head around , never , is that our innocent kids are the ones that pay for this - how can that be ? It's so unreal , unfair , twisted , cruel .
And how in the fk , are they expected to live like this now ?

The boys seem to miss the dads more and the girls seem to miss the mums more , understandable . The main reason I just wanted my D to stay with her mum , I couldn't live with myself if I took that away from a girls childhood .


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi Whitehawk,
Yep, it's the hardest part. Seeing my kids hurting.
My parents divorced when i was 4 and i'm reminded of some of the emotions that i went through.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry to hear that gb. Don't let your parents thing wreck it for you though will ya. To be honest I don't believe the stuff they say about thing's like that.
We grow up , we're our own people .

So people , how far away is everyone from their kids anyway ?
I'm 10 mins now but if we sell the house I really wanna go to this area 35mins away .


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

It broke my heart when my boys begged and cried during pick up/ drop offs, sometimes at night pleading for us to get back together. I know you say your ex is difficult but I think this is a situation that needs to be dealt with. You need to intervene on their behalf. 

Hopefully she can see past her anger and do what is right for your kids. They need more of you and your time. Try to put more time in the schedule. Maybe an overnight during the week, dinner together another night. Speak to them each day possibly after school or before bedtime. Whatever works for your situation.

Its really hard for you and them right now, I know but it does get better over time. Much better....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

whitehawk said:


> Sorry to hear that gb. Don't let your parents thing wreck it for you though will ya. To be honest I don't believe the stuff they say about thing's like that.
> We grow up , we're our own people .
> 
> So people , how far away is everyone from their kids anyway ?
> I'm 10 mins now but if we sell the house I really wanna go to this area 35mins away .


No, i've got no problem with my parents divorce, happened a long time ago now. 

I'm 15 minutes drive away from my kids.


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

Hi Inarut,
I speak to the boys every evening on the telephone.
I think the parenting arrangements will change late this year. I'm trying not to chop and change so much and give the kids a routine so they know what to expect.
Looking forward to the better times


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

That's good GB , glad you don't let that stuff bother you . A lot of people think it curses them to but I don't believe that.

Hopefully we both find our peace in all this one day gb and ways to make it all better.

Holland if you drop in again , how did you go about getting the poor kids use to two lives-two homes , split in two weeks , week in week out , living like that ?

That's one of the most unfair yet demanding things on them that I just can't get my head around .


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Divorce sucks for all parties involoved, both the parents and the kids. Given a choice, I would not wish it on my worst enemy. There is so much emotion involved, it can be difficult to get through. Some never make it and are bitter for years.

I admittedly had to choke down some serious emotions to get through and be able to co-parent with my ex. That to me was the big thing for the kids, is to see both parents getting along and moving forward with their lives. We are 5 years post divorce and I probably get along better with the ex than I did during the last couple of years married. We still have similar ideas about how to raise our children and we are able to co-parent and coordinate fairly well.

One thing that helped me was a book called "Mom's house, Dad's house." It made me realize that this is just a business deal and I need to do my best to keep the emotion out of it. Regardless of the fact she was a cheating bi7ch, I know that I have to deal with her for several more years. I would much rather it be amiable than hell. Time does also ease the wounds, which helps too.

As for the kids, they had issues for a while, especially my youngest (who was 7 when we separated). It took a couple of years to come to grips with the fact that Mom and Dad were not going to get back together. Is was heartbreaking, but we are all in a better place now. As parents, we put them first and let them know they are loved. As much as I would like, I never say a bad word about their mother. They can make there own decision about her when they are older.

Take the higher road and be the best Dad you can be.



whitehawk said:


> Holland if you drop in again , how did you go about getting the poor kids use to two lives-two homes , split in two weeks , week in week out , living like that ?
> 
> That's one of the most unfair yet demanding things on them that I just can't get my head around .


Not Holland, but the ex and I settled on a 2/2/5/5 schedule that works pretty well for us. I have Mon/Tue and she has Wed/Thur and we alternate weekends. We tried some others, but this worked best for our situation.

Kids like routines and this is no different. The kids know where they are supposed to be during the week and after a while it becomes almost second nature. I drop them at school and I pick up at a neutral location, so little interaction with the ex.

We each get to spend half the time with our kids, which is great. Plus I get some free time every other week to do what I want.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

I can't imagine....its difficult enough on me when my stbxw is out on one of her benders with her boyfriend, and my three year old daughter is asking for mommy.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

stay cool and strong buddy


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## gumboot (Mar 1, 2013)

jlc29316 said:


> I can't imagine....its difficult enough on me when my stbxw is out on one of her benders with her boyfriend, and my three year old daughter is asking for mommy.


My Ex had a male work colleague move into what use to be my study. When i dropped the kids back over the xmas period she was looking really washed out. I asked her "Are you OK? You don't look well." She told me she had Gastro and was sick. However, i could see the signs and it turns out she was hitting the clubs with her new house mate. Erhh... 
As long as she behaves responsibly around the kids!


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