# Rule # 1...Tell the other betrayed spouse .



## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I have been on affair forums on and off for the past year and a half. This one is the best by far. The subject of outing the affair partner to their betrayed spouse seems to be a touchy subject for some reason. Why? This is some of the advice I've read on other forums

Worry about your own marriage

Take the high road 

Why drag someone else into your mess

Why destroy another family

Why ruin your reputation

It makes you look petty and vindictive and weak.

Their marriage is none of your business

Why be a tattle tail

The affair partner didn't betray you.. Your spouse did. 

And my favorite.. Don't tattle for revenge.

These people that give this advice can't be serious,can they?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Here are the reasons I outed my wifes affair partner to his long time pregnant girlfriend.

Sends the message that I will not put up with their bull****

So he could have consequences

He now hates my wife cause this came out

His girl friend had the right to make an informed decision 

Revenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I read one thread that a man was afraid to tell omw because his wife would be upset.
To quote another poster from a while back.. " I think someone watched to much of that purple dinosaur when they were a kid"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

As for my humble opinion, all parties have a right to know as relationships are best when there is honesty and transparency.

Parents, kids, spouses/SO’s of the other person… have a vested interest in that relationship and when it is being betrayed so cruelly, it needs to be brought out. 

Betrayers do their deeds in darkness. By keeping it in darkness after dday there is no real hope for people to learn and be better.

It is simply the right thing to do.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

How many times have we seen here.

"I called the AP's wife/husband" and they have known for 6 years. My youngest is now 3. Had he/she told me I would have moved on, married someone else, and had children with them. Instead I am a half parent paying $1000 a month to my cheating ex."


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

First. Its the morally correct thing to empower the other BS to make the life decisions they feel are appropriate going forward.

Second. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with revenge in my view on life.

A POS AP is a person who has just decided to step in and help to totally destroy your life (as well as your children's).

Screw them. They deserve the same thing to happen to their life in return AT A MINIMUM.

In almost any other life situation one can imagine (assault, rape, robbery,etc.), NO ONE would fault a person at all for stepping up and doing whatever was necessary to protect their family or to obtain justice for any injury done to them.

Why do people see infidelity differently?

This POS has done an injury as bad as these to BS and the family, so why do people get squeamish about absolutely nuking everything about this scumbag's life they possibly can?

I really do not understand the pass that some people are willing to extend to a person who has just helped to so totally wreck their and their loved one's lives.

It truly bewilders me.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

When you get hit. Hit back hard.
I also am a strong believer in cheaterville. 
If someone is f**king with your spouse give them a "knockout punch" so to say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is one point that I usually have my hair on fire about. It's simply the right thing to do as a human being. Period.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This is one point that I usually have my hair on fire about. It's simply the right thing to do as a human being. Period.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, most of the advice to not tell seems like it would be coming from wayward spouses. 

I support telling because it is the right thing to do. The other betrayed spouse has a right to get checked for STDs to protect his/her health. Also, the other betrayed spouse has a right to make informed decisions about his/her life. If they choose to reconcile, so be it. Who should be cursed to unknowingly live a lie.

Not telling is the cowards way out.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Wish my wife's fOM had an OMW. I would have knocked things over getting to the phone to call her. Can't imagine not doing that.

What's completely different, IMHO, is if it's somebody else's affair, meaning if a friend of yours was cheating on his/her spouse, I may or may not say anything. Not my business.

But if it's MY spouse, it's MY freaking business.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would tell a friend if their spouse was cheating. I certainly would have appreciated it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I exposed my WS and don't regret it. If I knew of another betrayed spouse, I would have outed him to them too. 

The only thing I regret about saying in my exposure letter to his family was that, "I love him and am willing to make this work." or something along the lines of that. Right now, I feel a lot of annoyance, resentment, numbness and apathy and have for some time.

It's funny, for months after D-Day, I really wanted to reconcile. Now that he's been fishing for me again, I don't think I'm all that interested. Especially with his current mindset. He needs to grow up.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

workindad said:


> I would tell a friend if their spouse was cheating. I certainly would have appreciated it.


If the BS was more my friend than the WS was, I would tell the BS. If my friend was the WS, I would deal with the WS one-on-one to stop, or divorce, or come clean, and would not go behind their back and deal with their spouse for them.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

workindad said:


> I would tell a friend if their spouse was cheating. I certainly would have appreciated it.


I would have appreciated to. But I guess people are more comfortable laughing about it behind your back . I guess they "took the high road" by keeping it from me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I might be a little bit bitter but I say burn them all. Rip it off quick like a band-aid. The sooner you do that and file for divorce the sooner you can get back to your life without a cancerous growth. Quick and clean. Don't even give them the chance to figure out what is going on.


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## superspy (Mar 4, 2013)

I am undecided on this too... part of me wants to reveal their sexting and emotional affair (maybe PA?? he says no..... ) to the other woman's husband. If I could find him, I would be even more tempted. I guess one can always use the threat of exposing it to them... something I may keep in my back pocket as I still have all of the emails I discovered.... 

I know what city the OW lives in but not her husband's name or address.... I have her cell phone number... Any suggestions on how to find this out? I have tried the white pages but perhaps the phone number isn't under her name or is unlisted.....


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> If the BS was more my friend than the WS was, I would tell the BS. If my friend was the WS, I would deal with the WS one-on-one to stop, or divorce, or come clean, and would not go behind their back and deal with their spouse for them.


What if your friend was a posOM/OW?

Would you out them and the WS to the BS? What if you didn't know the couple from a hill of beans just knew of your friends actions?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm having this issue right now in my husband's family. 

My SIL at the very least is having an EA with a married coworker, (a subordinate, btw). I told BIL, (husband's brother), months ago that he needed to expose to the OM's wife. When he told me he was going to speak to his therapist about it, I knew she was going to tell him not to expose. I was right. She told him that he would end up being the bad guy. My answer to that was, "So what!". 

I've tried every angle that I can think of but he's sticking with the "bad guy" argument and the fact that if he does expose, it won't make her love him again. He has exposed to his FIL and the FIL is furious with his daughter.

It has crossed my mind that I could send the wife an anonymous message through Facebook but I couldn't give her any specifics because it would come back to me. The only people that BIL has told is me and my husband, (well, other than the FIL). He has also asked us to remain neutral like Switzerland.

Oh, and the reason why my BIL is seeing a therapist? When his gut started to get suspicious, SIL told him that he has trust and control issues and that he needed to see a therapist. She knows that his two previous girlfriends before he met her cheated on him and she used that knowledge against him. It's amazing how my SIL has followed the cheater's script.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Soccermom,

I feel sorry for your BIL, but apparently one reason he keeps getting cheated on is because he obviously doesn't learn a single thing from the experiences.

He remains permanently stuck in some kind of 'nice guy' h**l where he is continuously walked on by his partners.

Sad to say, but if he doesn't remove his head from his nether regions, this will be the pattern his life follows til the day he dies.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Soccermom,
> 
> I feel sorry for your BIL, but apparently one reason he keeps getting cheated on is because he obviously doesn't learn a single thing from the experiences.
> 
> ...


Oh, I totally agree. You wouldn't believe the things he has done in the past year to "nice" her back. Here's a guy that can run into a burning house and has seen some horrible stuff but is totally afraid to expose his wife's betrayal. The thing is, she is terrified of exposure probably more than he's afraid of exposing it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm having this issue right now in my husband's family.
> 
> My SIL at the very least is having an EA with a married coworker, (a subordinate, btw). I told BIL, (husband's brother), months ago that he needed to expose to the OM's wife. When he told me he was going to speak to his therapist about it, I knew she was going to tell him not to expose. I was right. She told him that he would end up being the bad guy. My answer to that was, "So what!".
> 
> ...


Have you given him the link to N o More Mr Nice Guy and MMSLP.?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Have you given him the link to N o More Mr Nice Guy and MMSLP.?


You know, I totally forgot about NMMNG until now, (I read it months ago). He's a reader so I will send him the link. MMSL too.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am going to put on my former chaplain's hat and quote from the New Testament where Paul is writing to the church in Ephesus. * It states clearly to EXPOSE.*
Ephesians Chapter 5:
1Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. 5For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7Therefore do not become partners with them; 8for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9(for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. *11Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.* 12For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

“Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

15Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

For a lot of us, there was no other BS... or substantive (and legal) way for us to take revenge.

Do it for us!


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Wish my wife's fOM had an OMW. I would have knocked things over getting to the phone to call her. Can't imagine not doing that.
> 
> What's completely different, IMHO, is if it's somebody else's affair, meaning if a friend of yours was cheating on his/her spouse, I may or may not say anything. Not my business.
> 
> But if it's MY spouse, it's MY freaking business.


With friends, I've said to them, "Do not put me in a position where I have to lie to your girlfriend/wife if asked. I am a terrible liar."


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I read the one thread were a husband suspected his wife and put a var in her car. It picked up her and her married coworker talking about their affair. He confronted both of them and they agreed to end it. He was so proud of the fact they he was not going to tell the other man wife. He used the phrases " take the high road" and " the bigger person"and not going to put someone else through the pain. And he didn't expose at work. He actually goes to work place functions with his wife and her ap and his bs are attending.

I wonder how pissed he is going to be when he finds out they are still banging each other and he had the power to stop it but didn't because he didn't want to man up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Exposure, it kills an affair and thins foggy brains quicker than a slap to the face.

I exposed a friends GF who tried to blackmail me into an affair, horrible situation to have to be in.

In terms of exposing others around me, hell yes, if it is going on around me then be sure I will sniff it out and right the wrongs, how long should someone be kept in the dark and treated as a door mat? No one deserves to be cheated on, NO ONE, I am glad I found the strength to expose my WWs EA to her folks and FB friends, she suddenly found a lot of people were very angry with her about behaving in such a manner, although it caused initial resentment she came to realize that the bubble the EA was in was exactly that, a bubble, bound to burst sometime, better sooner rather than later.

For those that do not expose, more fool you, next time you won't be so lucky, all you do by not exposing is allow them to maintain a charade and build a story against you should you try to expose in future, and as for OMWs they have as much right to know as you if their spouse if fvcking around behind their backs.

But, a note worthy point here folks, the son of a local butcher was beaten to a pulp about 5 months ago by a BS, yes he was the OM but he was an unknowing AP as he did not know she was married, poor kid is 22 and will be scarred for life in more ways than one, he is on cheaterville and has been branded all over the web as a wife stealing thug, I was mortified as I will remember him fondly telling us about the new woman he met online and was planning to date. Didn't work out too good for him.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Wranglerman,

The situation you describe with the butcher's son is the one circumstance where I would refuse to refer to the OM as a POS or say that he deserves consequences for the A.

He simply did not know, and their is absolutely no fault on his end in that case. The BS here was completely wrong. ALL of the blame for the A goes to his WW and he should never have taken a single action against the OM.

I reserve my disgust and dislike for AP's who know that their partners are married, and that their actions are an insult/injury to a person who has never wronged them.

They are scumbags who should be exposed and suffer as much payback as the BS can muster.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I lost a very very close friend many years ago because two months before his wedding the bride to be made a move on me, I knew she was into me before all this and just kept her at arms length but this time she really went for it 

I had a coffee with her and gave her one chance I said "listen K we'll call this an aberration we'll both forget you ever tried this, lets leave it there"

"no" she said "It has happened and I have feelings for you. Look F doesn't ever have to know about it, we can just get it together after the wedding " !!!!!

WTFk!!

I told her right there "Sorry but you've just burned a bridge right there, I'm not letting one of my best mates hook up with a cheating scumbag like you without having a choice about it"

"You'll regret it " she said

I did agonize for a week about it but did tell him. 

He nearly hit me! Never was a man in love so offended - christ but I stood my ground. Anyway he threw me out of the house, uninvited me to said wedding and I didn't see him again 

They divorced two years later for her shagging around ! 

He emailed me from London and profusely apologized to me !! 

I lost a great friend, I loved him, but fk it I don't regret for a second :smthumbup:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> With friends, I've said to them, "Do not put me in a position where I have to lie to your girlfriend/wife if asked. I am a terrible liar."



I absolutely agree. Why should I have to to disgrace myself and disrespect myself by lying to someone else.. Ain't going to happen. and a quality friend worth having wouldn't ask it anyway.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

The only time I wouldn't tell is if it would hurt you in the divorce..


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## JustLookingWest25 (Aug 23, 2013)

Ok, so telling the co-offender's significant other is the right thing to do...

What about telling their boss? In this case, the Navy.

In my case, the POSOM is a sailor.

I wasn't going to, but the pri*k is still talking to her (has been for years), and he knowingly participated in ruining my life.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

JustLookingWest25 said:


> Ok, so telling the co-offender's significant other is the right thing to do...
> 
> What about telling their boss? In this case, the Navy.
> 
> ...



I would tell his boss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

JustLookingWest,

Yep...report that POS to his command.

I was an officer in the Navy, and I can tell you I would have been very pissed off to find out one of my division members had been screwing up someone elses's M. Would have definitely have had the scumbag up to Captain's Mast at a minimum and issued a direct no contact order.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

What if to the best of your knowledge the affair was over for a year or two? 

Is telling the OP's spouse still the right thing to do even if the evidence you have is several years old? Is that being vindictive or still the right thing to do because they have the right to know?

Maybe it's because someone found No More Mr Nice Guy and found his self respect and decided to make it right.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

2yearsago,

It is always right to tell IMO.

They have a right to the necessary info to make informed decisions in their life.

Not telling is like helping a POS dirtbag hide his true nature from the rest of the world, especially those most likely to be injured by his scummy nature.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I've been cheated on and lied to.

If I ever learn of infidelity on anyone's part I will inform everyone involved as far and as wide as I can.

Don't cheat near me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

And if one should find that the POSOM is single, would a reasonable BH(betrayed husband) then be correct in resorting to look him up and just start in on whipping his ass? The problem with that is that there is only about a 50/50 chance that either one could get their butt kicked by the other!

Now if the adulterous couple are, indeed, workplace lovers, then I'm a firm believer of outing them to their HR Department!

But I'm a huge believer in also letting certain family members know about it! Within reason, the potential resulting ostracism would absolutely know no bounds!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Exposure is the right thing to do... The timing however I might question. Like if you are divorcing a guilty feeling, but seriously foggy wayward who actually believes that they are destined to be together. Probably better to let them think that way and settle the divorce rapidly so they can ‘live the dream’.... But then you need to expose when it’s final.

One that still haunts me. In 03 or 04, my wife came home from work one day and told me I might get a call from a co-worker who is spreading rumors that my wife is sleeping her way to the top. My wife just wanted me to know so I wouldn’t be shocked. Skip forward to 2009 when I caught my SA wife in the midst of affairs and it came out that she’d been doing it since 2002.

My WW keeps to her story, and I have no way or memory of this woman’s name to get that story out of her. If she had called, I might have started snooping. Then I probably would have caught my wife early in all this. By failing to warn me, I had to endure another 4 years of lies and infidelity as well as at that time, a divorce settlement would have favored me heavily. Four years later, the financial aspect did a 180 and I’d be bled out divorcing. It’s also the difference between permanent spousal support and temporary.


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