# Irresponsible Fiance



## futuremd (Mar 24, 2010)

Hello there,
So I'm been with my fiance for 2+ years now. He is a wonderful man: caring, intelligent, passionate, funny, handsome, kind. However, he is incredibly irresponsible. He is chronically late, doesn't pay his bills on time, overdrafts his bank accounts, and doesn't do the basic, better safe than sorry things. His student ID got stolen (it's linked to his student charge card) and instead of reporting it immediately, he said he'd deal with it later, when he had time to go to the office personally, and get his new card while there. Sure it will work, but what about the 6 hours where someone is running around with his card?
I am very intelligent, and responsible. It sounds rather pompous, but I tend to be right, all the time. Not because everyone gives in, I just see all the evidence and possible issues, and choose the correct path. 
So, we're going to be combining our bank accounts, and leasing an apartment together starting this fall. I'm so worried! What if he is supposed to pay the rent and doesn't? Late fees! What if he overdrafts our account? Overdraft fees, AND can't pay bills!
I don't know how to approach him about this. I do love him dearly, and in most respects I am a very fortunate girl, but his irresponsibility is a huge worry. Complicate it even further: he THINKS he IS responsible. I don't know how he does, but he does. So any time I bring up the time thing, or the money thing, he gets incredibly defensive and thinks I'm completely wrong.
Any advice?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Maintain separate accounts and credit cards and such. If he asks why you haven't merged them, say you're not ready for that step just yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sign up for Financial Peace University.

Tell him you will not marry him or anything else until he completes the 10 week course with you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is brilliant advice - he can't get defensive when it all comes from a course. 




turnera said:


> Sign up for Financial Peace University.
> 
> Tell him you will not marry him or anything else until he completes the 10 week course with you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh wow! Your post brings back memories. I was exactly in your spot 25 years ago. My novel didn't end well though.

I hate to tell you this, but those things probably aren't going to get better. You are probably dealing with a "Peter Pan". It took me 20 something years and two years of counseling to figure out my estranged husband. My husband did all of the same stuff as a college student. You should see the damage he has caused as a 40 something year old man going though his midlife crisis.

Good luck with him!


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## daisy5 (Aug 17, 2008)

Great ideas.
Counselling could be an other avenue.
If this isnt sorted out soon you may be the one left with the responsibility to clear up his messes and you dont want that.
It will affect your credit rating and future ability to apply for loans etc.
Keep things separate until he fixes himself up...if not well the question remains yours if this is the kind of guy you want to be with for the rest of your life because life may be hard now but it becomes harder as you move along as a couple.
Think of yourself and good luck


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sign up for Financial Peace University.
> 
> Tell him you will not marry him or anything else until he completes the 10 week course with you.


Tunera:

I 2nd that; Financial Peace University was great for my wife and I, and we took it AFTER we were married. I was the one who always struggled with finances, but I was willing to admit it. The course helped me realize that I didn't have a clue and that my wife was much better at money than I was. (That's why she handles the money & I'm responsible for other things).

Someone else mentioned counseling.

I think the bottom line is that BEFORE you guys get hitched if you don't do something, it will become a nightmare once you're married. Conflict over money in marriages is like the #1 source of problems, from what I understand.

I commend you for clarifying and sorting this out before you're hitched, its a smart move.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, we're taking it, and we just celebrated our 30 year anniversary. But I'd had it with my husband's irresponsibility, which has kept us in debt our whole married life. I'm now doing the FPU envelope system and it has made huge differences in our lifestyle.


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## jmr3326 (Apr 26, 2010)

agreed with artieb's post, and no way should you get married till there is responsibility shown on his part.


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## deborah (Jul 2, 2010)

I'm dealing with this now--seeking divorce after five years of the same thing two children later and broke is not where you want to be----trust me!---dont let him take your security from you.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Financial Peace University is a GREAT idea. Even better is to tell him that you absolutely will not go through with the marriage unless he goes.

With respect to your always being right about everything, I would strongly encourage you to confront that belief head-on. Evidence in your original post alone suggests that you, too, as amazingly brilliant and flawless as you are, may yet be human.

Good luck.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

What worked for me was that my DH agreed with me that it was a problem. I got him to have his paycheck direct deposited into a checking account that he did not have access to. He had another account with a debit card that his budgeted amount went into. He was so late on the cell phone charges, that they basically turned off his service. I never turned it back on. I did all the finances in Quicken so I could show him where all the money went if he ever asked.

To get here I basically had to tell him I was not living the rest of my life this way. Several I promises and I'll trys had not worked. 

I managed to pay off everything. He learned how to curb his buying wants...

This was early in our marriage before kids and whatnot. And, if you cannot get a handle on this, don't marry the guy. Really.


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## IRISH13 (Jul 28, 2010)

You don't really love this guy. You want to point out his flaws and change them. There are billions of people in the world and half of them are men. Do you and this guy a favor and start looking for someone you won't have to work so hard to change. You'll save yourself years of unhappyness....move on.


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## beeberbean (Aug 19, 2010)

wow are you engaged to my fiance. hahaha just kidding. mines does the same things other than the student Id stuff. his credit is shot because someone registared and had a car towed 4 years ago and he refuses to deal with it and he left the cable bill under his nameat his ex gfs house and she never paid it so that is on his credit too....he says ill deal with it later NOPE NOW!!!!!!!!!!! so i had to call everywhere and act like him (he does not have a manly name so i get away with it) and have to handle everything. and to add more to it, he wanted to spend whatever money we get from the wedding on a motorcycle (he says it is my money too so why cant i just use it on a bike cinse u already have a nice car), 
these are the steps i am taking.....a joint account with one debit card that will be mine with his check direct deposited into it. all credit accounts of his have notifications that go to my email and login changed to my own. anything dealing with $$$$$ is in my hands and my hands only unless it is gas or lunch money for him (which he will spend on monsters and let the car stop from being empty). and as faras the wedding money, my parents are locking it in a safe at their house with a key only i and my dad will have. we are the financial backbones in our fmailes so i trust him. and in return i get nightly back rubs, foot massages, and he helps me clean the house. 
i would say you have to find what works for you to make it easier for u both. it sucks of course, but i got used to it so maybe you will too. and if it takes separate accounts for you, do so. GOOD LUCK


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## Anna1 (Aug 26, 2011)

Be careful! I'm now married to a man like your husband. Don't go there. Currently you have no children, you haven't bought and you aren't married. Don't do any of these things. Get out while you can. He is highly unlikely to change and however responsible you are he will ultimately ruin you. Sorry to sound harsh but I wish someone had given me this advice before I married my husband.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

My wife is a lot like your husband. Her credit was shot when we first married and she had some debt. It was always someone elses fault in her eyes though. I've supported her for 5 years - trying to steer her towards better paying jobs - paid for courses, bought a home based business which hasn't produce any money for 2 years. I pay ALL the bills (house, car, food, holidays, her cell etc..) and she absolved herself of finanancial responsibility by saying her wage would never be anything compared to mine. Long story short, it was probably the main downfall of our marriage - we're in the process of separating now. Luckily no kids. Either solve this problem now between you, or look forward to slowly building resentment over the years leading to an unhappy marriage guaranteed.


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## robert1234 (Oct 28, 2010)

IRISH13 said:


> You don't really love this guy. You want to point out his flaws and change them. There are billions of people in the world and half of them are men. Do you and this guy a favor and start looking for someone you won't have to work so hard to change. You'll save yourself years of unhappyness....move on.


Never underestimate the power of denial. It took me two months of cousilling before the epiphany: "No I'm really not ok with that behaviour. And I'm prepared to leave you if it doesn't change." Needless to say I'm leaving.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sign up for Financial Peace University.
> 
> Tell him you will not marry him or anything else until he completes the 10 week course with you.


:iagree: Good plan. I totally agree. I wish I could get my husband to do it. He is a lot like your boyfriend. We might not be fighting right now if I had gotten him to do the course b4 we got married.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yeah, we're taking it, and we just celebrated our 30 year anniversary. But I'd had it with my husband's irresponsibility, which has kept us in debt our whole married life. I'm now doing the FPU envelope system and it has made huge differences in our lifestyle.


I am aquainted the with FPU and listen to the Dave Ramsey show as often as I can. My DH doesn't like Dave all that much tho. I think it is only b/c he feels like in order for Dave's plan to work, you have to be making a lot of money. I disagree, but sadly,there is no convincing him.  I would love for us to get on the program. I have the book and workbook.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not true at all! You can set a savings account and put $5/week in it and still get ahead.


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## canyouou (Sep 29, 2011)

dont let him take your security from you.


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