# Just a given after 20+ years it's more of a "companion" type of love?



## LilMissSunshine

I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x


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## Blondilocks

Can't answer for everyone but in my case the sparks were there after 43 years. While my husband was undergoing radiation for cancer, I was thinking of romantic places to visit after he was well. He didn't make it, though. 

One thing that comes to mind is that my husband always held my hand - walking, sitting next to one another and occasionally as he drove. It's a small thing but is amazingly reassuring and promotes the feelings of love.


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## Dude007

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x


BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they "need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE


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## brooklynAnn

I have been married close to 24 years. I loved being married to my husband. Our relationship has evolved over time and we are even closer now, than when we were younger. We have two kids, daughter in first year of college, son has 1 1/2 years of high school. We went thru two cancer scare. 

We are looking forward to when it's just the two of us. Planning our retirement and how to help our kids when they get married. 

Our marriage is exciting and the sex is crazy and even better than ever. But most of all, the love has grown and blossom. I never thought I could love him more than I do at this time. While we are good companions, we are also lovers. 

Even, if the sex were to stop. I would still want to be with him. I enjoy his company. He makes me laugh and encourage me to be myself. I try to do the same for him. I make sure he is doing things that brings him happiness and he can enjoy. We both do things without each other. The important thing for us, is that we are always waiting to be with each other. He is my home.

Your expectations are quite normal to want more. And hope for more. It's not going to be the sparks of when you first met. But it's a slow burning flames, sometimes it simmering. Other times it's a blaze.

Don't give up. Find new ways to foster your bond. Sometimes, the most important thing we can do is to change ourselves. Make sure you are taking care of you. Do something that will bring you happiness and create a positive change in your life. Let that be the first step. 

Good luck, darling.


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## karole

I have been married to my husband for 29 years. We have a great marriage. Still maintain a great sex life. My husband and I believe that sex is a vital part of marriage. We became empty nesters not too long ago, so it's like being newlyweds again.


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## Blondilocks

karole said:


> I have been married to my husband for 29 years. We have a great marriage. Still maintain a great sex life. My husband and I believe that sex is a vital part of marriage. We became empty nesters not too long ago, so it's like being newlyweds again.


Life is good.:smile2:


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## tech-novelist

My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years and it's not like being just roommates, if you know what I mean. >


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## jorgegene

Dude007 said:


> BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they *"need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE*




oh, man could i go on about this..............but won't.


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## Mr. Nail

@LilMissSunshine,
No. You are being shoved into a box that doesn't fit. Rage, Rage against the coming of the night.


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## Young at Heart

LilMissSunshine said:


> ..... I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................
> 
> .......Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes.....
> 
> ...........anyone have thoughts on this???:x


Been married 44+ years to the same woman. It deteriorated into a Sex Starved Marriage (SSM). I got fed up, decided I deserved better and went about either fixing or ending it.

On my journey, I discovered that I was more of the problem than I realized. I worked on changing myself, meeting all her needs and making her feel loved and then she started to come around. We now have sex twice a week and go on romantic vacations and dates together.

First it takes work to keep the sparks alive. If you both don't put in the effort things die down. They can be rekindled, but it takes a lot of work and commitment from both. 

Second when you finally get to the empty nest stage of your marriage, you can walk around naked to do things that you couldn't do when you had kids in the house. A very nice change.

So yes, it doesn't have to end up a companion or business partner situation. It doesn't even have to be a friends with benefit situation. It can be better, much better. Still you probably won't hump like bunny rabbits due to sore knees and less flexibility, unless you work at it.

Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous

These are my observations reading countless posts here....maybe others can jump in with comments... 

I am under the belief that those who are *naturally touchy /feely* & enjoy their *time* together (maybe this is only a segment of the couple population to begin with) .. for such couples...unless unresolved conflicts & resentment has entered in to stifle these 2 love languages... I think the spark never really dies...

It may not be as HIGH of a flame.. during certain difficult passages in the marriage....work stress...busyness.. tension with kids, in-laws, worries over finances.. any number of things to suck our time, our focus & attention...

But when we come together.. it's natural for us to reach for each other...







the human contact is something we both crave.....it's our comfort, connection.. it's emotional intimacy we revive on a daily basis....









This is how it is with H & myself.. after 30 + yrs...I can't say he's ever really changed... anytime I am near, his fingers are running through my hair, he will do this for hrs while lying together watching a movie... if a love song comes on the radio in the car, he'll reach for my hand... it's these little things.. he'd be pleased if I slept all wrapped up in him at night.. though I am too fidgety to do this.. 

These may not be Erotic Flames shooting ... but it's still passionate.. and with much depth - what we feel, towards each other. 

Anytime a couple has lost the spark.. I automatically think they are not touching each other.. or affection has gone by the wayside..

Also something I have learned starting 2 threads on Romance is *>>*...Some people are just not Romantic....they have no need for that.. so what is "spark" to them....a physical release ?? Some eroticism ? Maybe that's enough to satisfy...then they roll over.... us romantics , who revel in the giving & receiving on a deeper emotional level.. it would leave us longing for more.... are you & he compatible here ? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html


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## Cool_Dude

I think it'snot about sex after 20 years, but more about how used to are to another person. You need a partner who understands you. It's like having a best friend !


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## knobcreek

There should still be sparks, you should want to reach over and grab your spouses hand, go out on dates, lay on the couch and sleep spooning after some mind numbing fvcking. Once that's gone I wouldn't have much of an interest to remain in a marriage with someone who may as well be my sister.

The "spark" that a couple gets the first few months of dating is just our hormones going on overload to create that bond with one another, that only remains for a short time, but that "spark" where you count the minutes until you see your spouse and hug them first thing walking in the door should never go away, or rub her feet while you watch tv, or hold hands walking somewhere. I couldn't be in a relationship without that type of intimacy and affection shown to one another.


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## Vorlon

We are almost at 30 years and heading to Puerto Rico for our anniversary. We still have a romantic and sexual relationship. I am touchy feely in the sense I need physical touch and sexual intimacy to feel loved and connected to my wife. 

We hold hands all the time and I am frequently walking up behind her and hug her and give her a kiss on the cheek or neck. We probably spend too much time together but that is the way it has been our entire marriage. Today is my birthday (54) and I still had flowers sent to her today. I try and send her a text or e-mail at least once a week and call at least once a day from work. 

But saying all that: It is our marriage and I can't speak for others. The big question is what do you want? What do you need and what are you willing to do about it. A Marriage takes two so good luck.


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## happy2gether

yes it is normal, but it does not have to be. We fell into that trap and it made my wife miserable. I almost lost her, but luckily we worked it out. I can say that since then we have been asked numerous times if we were newly weds. Just seeing each other makes our hearts flutter. I start out each day by sending her a poem and at random times during the day we text each other encouraging words or just a quick "I love you beautiful/handsome". 

Keep the spark alive, it is well worth it!


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## Horizon

I hear you LMS - actually this very subject you have raised hits the nail on the head for me. In fact I have become completely disillusioned about my situation. If you read my history and more recent posts you will note that I am living a most unsatisfactory life - under the same roof as a woman (my exWS) who betrayed me. I am here all for the sake of my children, all for 'tight' financial reasons. 

I wish you well and only wish I could provide some type of adequate answer but I have become bitter unfortunately. It seems as though some people lead charmed lives. A friend of mine and her husband are both 60 and they are both very much in love. You couldn't imagine them apart; currently they are in Europe. My 'partner' and I have zero in common - it has never been more obvious. It makes me sick half of the time but I must carry on - for now.

I hope things improve - I do know that communication is key. Whatever the outcome.


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## EleGirl

Here is a book that I think could help you get the romance back into your marriage. 

The author, Esther Perel also has some good videos & Ted Talks on youtube.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel


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## LilMissSunshine

Thank you!! I am still battling with this (just posted something else about how I am feeling so disenchanted after watching all of these "perfect relationship" holiday movies (((). I will take a look at this book, EleGirl. I am just so disheartened (I hear you, Horizon ((


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## Amplexor

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html

A thread of mine from a few years back. Read the sections of Storge and Eros Love. You are probably floating along in Storge, it is very common in an LTR but is not a bad thing. Eros is very difficult to maintain at a high level for long periods of time but it can be done. If Eros is missing in the relationship, many morn it as the "spark" is gone. In reality, the love may have moved on to a deeper and more trusting love.

After 30+ years together, my wife and I are in a hybrid of Storge and Phileo. But I wouldn't consider it "in a rut" by any stretch. Eros is there but in smaller doses. We keep the "romance" alive with spending time together talking, watching TV, listening to music and having a date night on an irregular basis. I turn 60 next year, but we continued to have sex at least once a week. We raise the passion level with some good old fashioned make out and petting sessions on the couch when the house is empty. We keep close tabs on each other as we sleep making sure we snuggle up regularly and rarely pass each other in the house without a kiss, hug or pat on the rump.

Many look to find or regain the "spark" and overlook the fact that they are actually in a relationship that is much deeper, much more stable and much more emotionally encompassing than they imagine.


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## Blondilocks

Boy, I miss those pats on the rump!


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## LilMissSunshine

Wow, thanks, Amplexor. I definitely don't discount how having a deeper relationship can be so much better.................though I am definitely missing that spark ((( Wishing I could have a bit of both ((


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## Caribvistors

Married over 45 years to my best friend. Met her when she was just 14 and started dating when we were 16 and 18, married at 20 and 22. Never had a regret, not for one day. In all the years together, never had what is often mentioned on this forum as a "rough spot in our marriage". Can talk with her on any intimate subject, as she is the most open minded woman I have ever met. Still absolutely crazy for her, as no other woman has ever "turned my head". Not that I don't appreciate a woman that I find to be mice and attractive, but doubt that I could ever have any of the feelings like I always have for my wife. Can never get enough of her and you will rarely see us outside of work when we are not together.

I have referred to these warm feelings as a gift from God, as they are the same exact emotions I had when we were dating. Still today I always want to hold her, kiss her, touch her and tell her she still has that magic that "turns me on" and how much I truly adore her and also can never stop thanking her for agreeing to be my wife, against the expressed wishes of her parents. 

We are still very touchy feely, usually fall sleep in the nude, in the spoon position. Shower together almost every morning before breakfast and then leave for work at the same time. Speake on the phone or now text on most days while at work, a practice often derided by our co-workers.


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## Vinnydee

For us, after 20 years our sex was different but better. My wife became more comfortable with her bisexuality and her relationship with our girlfriend deepened. We explored many fetishes and various forms of group sex, to just try them for the experience. We were very secure in our marriage so there was never any jealousy. We had learned that sometimes sex is just sex. Not for everyone, I know but it revitalized our sex life. Sex became very exciting all over again.

Our sex life and marriage is still vibrant into our mid sixties. My wife and I are the only ones still having sex out of all of our friends. We still are into kinky sex once in a while, to give our sex life a boost. We have been married over 40 years now. I refused to become like my parents who went from lovers to good friends and stayed together just because they were comfortable. 

I think that an active sex life is important to promote intimacy. Sex does release a hormone that emotionally bonds the couple together. You can easily enter into a spiral where the less sex you have, the less you want to have sex. When we found ourselves finding excuses why not to have sex, we scheduled two mandatory sex nights each week. No excuses accepted and no sex required. We started off with just cuddling and talking but in a few weeks we were having sex regularly and did not need the scheduled sex nights anymore. We have also tried 5 new fetishes in the last 2 years which were fun but grew boring after a few months. You really have to work at it.

Although my wife and I have always been good friends, I want the kind friend that gives you benefits.


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## heartsbeating

My husband and I have been together nearly 21 years. Living together for 20 years. Our relationship feels more solid and grounded than it has before. We have each others back. We enjoy doing many things together yet we also have our own interests, goals and pursuits. For us, there is a flutter with having an independent sense of self and then returning to the other. It's evident in the way I feel when he goes and comes back telling me all about what he's experienced including the people he's met. It also makes him intriguing. He told me how he admired me at a social function, seeing me across the table, connecting and laughing with people I'd only just met. It was flattering to hear this! And flattering to know he'd been observing me... I would have been oblivious otherwise!

We enjoy the mixed bag of shared moments. Working on our home and garden, sweating together, the sexy and playful moments, the loving touches and glances, the disagreements, consideration to one another and the romantic gestures. Big or small, the romantic gestures are an expression; they are the fun sprinkles on top. Sometimes I wonder if the 'spark' becomes a combination of factors in LTR that includes having a strong foundation, chemistry, consideration and gratitude.

While my husband and I both love adventures and travel and such things can be bonding, there's a lot to be said for acknowledging the simple, every day moments. Actually the simple, every day moments are what most of us tend to have in abundance... and there's so much to be grateful for in those moments. Perhaps sometimes it just takes a little consideration and observing with a renewed outlook.


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## November

Wow,

Heartwarming to hear all the excellent comments about their spouse. 

I'm fortunate, too. Over the years, it gets better. And we have found plateaus where we level off a bit, and then take off up the mountain, again. Rarely boring. And, yes, it can be JUST as exciting as when we first met... even better. 

One sure can turn it around and spark things up. For a lot of us, touch is important... the little touches, from a pat on the butt to a sexy hug. She puts her legs on me often and I just rub. She rubs my back. I rub her neck. Give her a massage... partial, full, foot, head, shoulders and some very exciting sexual massages that take off like crazy. 

We spend a lot of time together, work and play together. Rarely do a trip without her. It's part of our life. 

We explore together.. with anything from a walk, bike, canoe, car or plane. 

Occasionally one will want more... or less, or make a change, and occasionally we don't agree, but getting back on the right track is part of it. We rarely have a knock down hard fight (but it's happened, and makeup sex is great). 

Yes, one can work on it and get huge rewards.


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## Happilymarried25

Married 27 years. We went through some years of companion love, husband had depression ED, sleep apnea health problems, money stress, raising children, taking care of parents, job losses, job stress we both had a weight problem. We were nice to each other, said l love you's hugs and kisses but not a lot of passion. A couple of years ago we both decided to loose weight He has lost over 100 pounds and me 60 pounds. He got help for his ED. 

We are now the most intimate we have ever been. We started by kissing and hugging a lot more when we were together. Going on date nights, spending more time together (which is easier since our children are older) Then we started going to bed at the same time and keeping electronics and TV off spending time cuddling and kissing. Weekend morning we have sex cuddle and kiss. We text each other often during the work day. Couples who have been married a long time don't need to grow apart and be companions.


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## UMP

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x


It will be 25 years in August for us. Honestly, our sex life is BETTER than it was 25 years ago. I still think my wife is sexy and beautiful. Sometimes I can't understand how it's so good. It blows my mind. I will tell you that I believe in God and I pray every single day specifically about our sex life. I figure that God gave me this woman so why not pray about sex with her.

I specifically pray "God please let me lust after this woman more and more each day and let her lust more and more for me every day." God has answered my prayer!


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## SimplyAmorous

UMP said:


> *I specifically pray "God please let me lust after this woman more and more each day and let her lust more and more for me every day." God has answered my prayer!*


I'm lovin' this prayer right here.. there is nothing like being HORNY for each other...so intoxicating...











Caribvistors said:


> *Married over 45 years to my best friend. Met her when she was just 14 and started dating when we were 16 and 18, married at 20 and 22. Never had a regret, not for one day. *In all the years together, never had what is often mentioned on this forum as a "rough spot in our marriage". Can talk with her on any intimate subject, as she is the most open minded woman I have ever met. *Still absolutely crazy for her, as no other woman has ever "turned my head". Not that I don't appreciate a woman that I find to be mice and attractive, but doubt that I could ever have any of the feelings like I always have for my wife. Can never get enough of her and you will rarely see us outside of work when we are not together.*
> 
> *I have referred to these warm feelings as a gift from God, as they are the same exact emotions I had when we were dating. Still today I always want to hold her, kiss her, touch her and tell her she still has that magic that "turns me on" and how much I truly adore her and also can never stop thanking her for agreeing to be my wife, against the expressed wishes of her parents.*
> 
> *We are still very touchy feely, usually fall sleep in the nude, in the spoon position.* Shower together almost every morning before breakfast and then leave for work at the same time. Speake on the phone or now text on most days while at work, a practice often derided by our co-workers.


And just who says that none of us are naturally monogamous ...so many arguments against this today.. like why even bother.. ...we're not meant to be with the same person for life... though some highly value this.. there is a great depth of attachment... have you ever googled articles on Pair bonding & what we've learned from Prairie voles.. something about vasopressin receptors -can make the difference between being promiscuous & more the pair bonded type....










Love your story.. but come on...you had to of had SOME Rough spots.. ours was dealing with infertility.. though even that was more of an external thing.... he'd try to soothe me & help any way he could... it never hurt how we felt about each other.. . but still it sucked my Joy at times....and I made things rougher for him.. I look back with admiration how he put up with me back then.



Amplexor said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


As soon as I seen this thread.. I thought of yours .. wanting to find it ... glad you posted it.. that was one of my earliest reads here.. loved seeing those broken down ! I guess this one threw MANIA in there...


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## Luvher4life

All I can say is WOW! I have been with my wife for over 19 years. I know that's not nearly as long as some of you, but it is still considered marriage tenure these days.

When I first married I wasn't the best kind of person or husband. I still enjoyed partying, going out with my brothers and friends. Sometimes staying out till dawn. I was short-tempered, self-centered, and a handful for sure. The amazing part for me was my wife persevered through it all and stayed with me. We definitely had our share of troubles early in our marriage because of me. I even thought on several occasions that she was going to leave me. I finally figured it out, that I was the cause of the problems we were having. That's when I remember the prayers I had before I met my wife, how they were answered, and decided to make a change in me. I started going to church, renewed my faith in Jesus Christ, and everything changed 180 degrees. I can't thank God enough, to tell you the truth. Jesus Christ changed me. You would've had to have known me before to understand the changes that took place. I'm living proof of what faith can do.

So, looking at the "Five Kinds of Love" (it looks like six, but the "Agape" love is one that only Jesus Christ was able to have, so none of us will ever be able to have that kind.), our love is definitely "Eros", although there were some minimal times with a couple of the other kinds.

I am very observant of others, and I can truthfully say that my wife and I are probably one of the most affectionate married couples I've seen. We hold hands in public all the time, kiss in public (nothing passionate, not that we wouldn't want to..., :wink2, and say "I love you" all the time. It doesn't matter who is around us when we say it. The little things we do reinforce our commitment to each other, like just last night at my daughter's basketball game my wife put on hand on my thigh. I reached down and clasped her hand, and we held hands for most of the evening. 

We never leave each other before we say our "I love you!"

At home, I will walk up behind her giving her a hug, a kiss on the neck, compliment her all the time, tell her how much I love her and appreciate her -- all kinds of things to reinforce the love I have for her. I rarely can walk by her at home without touching her in some kind of way, sometimes a breast rub, sometimes a bum squeeze or pat (if nobody is watching, that is) We call each other every day before we head home. We always know where each other is. We text each other all the time with love notes, etc. I know! It sounds like a couple of teenagers, or newlyweds... Oh, well!

We, as a couple, have always known that God brought us together. It wasn't by happenstance. We are active in church, and pray every day. People compliment us all the time about our affection for each other, and I've had some even ask how we keep that after being married so long. I tell them it's because we love each other, pray together, and communicate that way. I don't tell them we have sex almost every day, though.:grin2:

She is still the love of my life, and I still find her extremely attractive and sexy. Neither of us look exactly like we did when we got married, but she still turns me on, and when I see her nakedness I appreciate her beauty that much more (I probably gawk and drool). I always look forward to coming home after work just to see her.

Like with any long-term marriage, there's been ups and downs, but we are committed to each other, and have persevered through them all. It's a continuous process to keep things from getting mundane, or boring as some say. That's when you do something different, adding some spice of sorts.

Two VERY important aspects of any successful marriage are LOVE and COMMUNICATION. Love is commitment, and communication is being able to talk and listen to each other about anything without instilling anger and resentment. We may not always agree, but we certainly will respect each other's viewpoint. An added part of our marriage that is just as important to us is our FAITH.


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## Luvher4life

Just to add something else that is important is our marriage..., we LAUGH a lot! A good belly laugh at least a couple of times a week is very healthy!


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## Divinely Favored

LilMissSunshine said:


> Thank you!! I am still battling with this (just posted something else about how I am feeling so disenchanted after watching all of these "perfect relationship" holiday movies
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> (((). I will take a look at this book, EleGirl. I am just so disheartened (I hear you, Horizon
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ((


If y'all are over 40 you should get full hormone check up. Men feel best when testosterone levels are around 1000 in a range from 450-1100. I started t therapy at around 41. I was tired and could not stay awake in evening. You can become emotional but be emotionally numb to others at the same time if you know what I mean. 

Women need to be checked too. After a partial hystorectomy. The ovaries quit working in 2-3 yrs as they are starved for blood because almost half the supply comes from veins from the uterus.


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## hazel55

In my experience, it just turns into nice companions... No fighting, but no sparks either.


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## TX-SC

After 20 years married I have refused to let my marriage fall into the just companionship trap. I flirt with my wife constantly. We have two daughters who are teen/pre-teen and their rooms are close to ours, so we don't get to be "crazy" too often. I am hoping that in 5 years, once the kids are in college, that we'll have more sex time. 

We go on dates and each of us is truly in love. Yes, the companionship aspect is there, but I won't give up on the passion and fun.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Funny... this topic is just what brought me to this forum today. Married 27 years, together 29, I'm 53 and wife is 10 years older so I wonder if she has just hit the companion stage ahead of me although I've always been the more affectionate of us, but it's tough across all fronts as you mentioned.

Wish I had insight to offer but I'm trying to figure this out myself, this is a wonder thread conversation and look forward to the responses and conversations you generate.


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## November

Emerging,

It does take effort to keep the spark alive, and both have to bring some excitement to the table (bed). But, it's not really hard to do. 

Ya don't need sex every day, but you do need interaction all the time. It's the little things that count... kiss on the neck, quikie back rub, ass grabbing, and the little notes, texts, emails.

Also, some habits go a long way, just to make sure your partner always has you in their mind in a positive way.... perhaps a kiss goodby when they leave, and hello when they arrive, help with their stuff, clean sometime or do a chore for them.

When fights break out, minimize them and DONT ARGUE. No one wins, but mention that you understand and we can discuss this whenever. And makeup sex is great.

Just food for thought.


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## RainbowBrite

Deleted


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## TX-SC

OliviaG said:


> TX-SC, if I can give you some advice: don't wait for 5 years to enjoy "crazy" sex. Do not waste any time, enjoy every minute now. You don't know what might befall you or her in 5 years.
> 
> Go away often or construct a bedroom for the two of you in the basement. Do whatever you have to do, but don't wait.
> 
> My H and I have had a fabulous marriage; it wasn't until year 27 that hormones started playing havoc with our sex life. I'm glad we didn't wait.


Thanks for that! We have good sex, but certainly not loud sex. Occasionally both kids are at a sleepover and we get the house to ourselves, but it's rare. I have some ideas to spice things up though.


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## RainbowBrite

Deleted


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## Emerging Buddhist

November said:


> Emerging,
> 
> It does take effort to keep the spark alive, and both have to bring some excitement to the table (bed). But, it's not really hard to do.
> 
> Ya don't need sex every day, but you do need interaction all the time. It's the little things that count... kiss on the neck, quikie back rub, ass grabbing, and the little notes, texts, emails.
> 
> Also, some habits go a long way, just to make sure your partner always has you in their mind in a positive way.... perhaps a kiss goodby when they leave, and hello when they arrive, help with their stuff, clean sometime or do a chore for them.
> 
> When fights break out, minimize them and DONT ARGUE. No one wins, but mention that you understand and we can discuss this whenever. And makeup sex is great.
> 
> Just food for thought.


Thanks for the feedback November, interesting comment about year "27" in the following post by OliviaG and I know hormones impact things, especially with our age difference.. never thought about that 30 years ago although it wouldn't have made a difference to my love for her. A lot of things you mentioned I do, almost all in fact except the MUS which she has clearly expressed "does not work for her". Don't want to thread-jack here, maybe I should start my own but it is in the exact same line as LMS's concern... with her permission I'll share more here without taking over.


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## RainbowBrite

Deleted


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## November

The year "specific" really doesn't make much difference, but as we age, we do need to pay attention to hormones. I've been on Testosterone for about 2 years now because of a low count, and has significantly helped with a lot of physical things.

Worth a visit to a specialist at times.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Not so much as the year married but as to how it relates to aging really... if you make it 27-30 years together you are probably in the 50's/60's at your youngest, not that it's a bad thing, just where you are.

No, she is a purist when it come to introducing differing things into her system, if she takes more than a dozen ibuprofen‎ a year I would be surprised. We talked about hormone treatments in the past but it was a conversation that resulted in little interest on her part, don't want to push it and have her thinking I don't like who she is, love being her companion, miss being her passionate partner and she gets frustrated when the conversation comes up, so I came here to get some objective feedback for better understanding and LMS's post hit it on the head. I feel bad sometimes that I am discontent, but this is a desire I am not sure I am ready to lessen/remove and want to patiently keep it in our life.

Maybe I should just keep focusing on my noble truths and eightfold paths.


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## TX-SC

I define it differently. What you call "companion love" I call a deep love born of time and experience. It's a profound type of love that is more comfortable, but has much more depth than the sparky type of love/lust we have when it is new. You can't truly KNOW your partner until you have experienced the ups and downs that life can throw your way. Seeing them at their best AND worst is the only way to truly know them. Once you have that, then love is well rooted and truly magnificent. 

When you see a sapling, do you say "That's majestic!" Generally, no. But when you see a 150 year old oak or a 200 year old Red Wood, it can awe you. 

So, what is it about the "spark" that means so much? When I am around my wife I am happy. When she is naked in front of me I have a hard time not touching her sexually (She has a hard time getting dressed in front of me because, damn, I just want some of THAT!). It's not a spark, it's a deep desire. 

I wanted her from day one. I REALLY desire her now.


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## heartsbeating

TX-SC said:


> I define it differently. What you call "companion love" I call a deep love born of time and experience. It's a profound type of love that is more comfortable, but has much more depth than the sparky type of love/lust we have when it is new. You can't truly KNOW your partner until you have experienced the ups and downs that life can throw your way. Seeing them at their best AND worst is the only way to truly know them. Once you have that, then love is well rooted and truly magnificent.
> 
> When you see a sapling, do you say "That's majestic!" Generally, no. But when you see a 150 year old oak or a 200 year old Red Wood, it can awe you.
> 
> So, what is it about the "spark" that means so much? When I am around my wife I am happy. When she is naked in front of me I have a hard time not touching her sexually (She has a hard time getting dressed in front of me because, damn, I just want some of THAT!). It's not a spark, it's a deep desire.
> 
> I wanted her from day one. I REALLY desire her now.


Tweak to fit the context of your anniversary and this right here, the words, could be your gift to your wife.


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## Jayg14

Dude007 said:


> BY FAR THE NORM, BY FAR!!! After paying bills, changing diapers, buying houses, selling house, yes, it would naturally go to companion AT BEST..At worst, one cheats because they "need" these things lost in the business/family/bs american dream world that is todays stressed out marriages. DUDE


This is one reason why I'm not sure I want to get hitched again. Not looking to fall into this. Maybe what they say about nursing homes are true and when I'm 80+ I can act like a teenager again!


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## slidewayzz

Divinely Favored said:


> If y'all are over 40 you should get full hormone check up. Men feel best when testosterone levels are around 1000 in a range from 450-1100. I started t therapy at around 41. I was tired and could not stay awake in evening. You can become emotional but be emotionally numb to others at the same time if you know what I mean.
> 
> Women need to be checked too. After a partial hystorectomy. The ovaries quit working in 2-3 yrs as they are starved for blood because almost half the supply comes from veins from the uterus.


Agreed, I have a painful neuromuscular disease that developed when I was around 35-37. After a couple years of Dr visits and testing I was finally diagnosed with Small Fiber Ganglionapathy. I was otherwise healthy, active, happy...The only way to treat the pain is with opioid narcotics. After a couple years of that I was a zombie! I had my testosterone level checked and it was 91! The narcotics reduce the bodies ability to produce testosterone effectively. After a short period of self-administered injections I felt like a man again and regained the use of my manhood! 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


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## jdawg2015

For the most part yes but also don't think it's all bad. 
There is comfort in familiarity. 

Do things together and find common ground. Even a coffee date to Barnes and Noble as long as you both enjoy the activity.



LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???


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## luvherlngtym

Same as how I answered in the General Discussion.... Married 36 years and we are still passionately in love. Sure the passion was a bit stale raising kids, but now that we are empty nesters look out! Constantly hugging, kissing, and basking in a glorious union. The sex is way better now and way more frequent than when we were in our 20's, 30's and 40's. You have to work on your marriage to not let it get stale and complacent.


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## Vinnydee

Not really. I am married 44 years this next week and it is much more than a companion type marriage. We are still deeply in love with each other and always find ways to spice up our sex life. My wife says that her girlfriends do not have sex with their husbands anymore and we are the only ones still doing it. 

I have always kept our marriage fresh. We moved 13 times and lived in 9 different houses. We are sexually adventurous and have indulged in some group sex and a long term threesome with my wife's best friend. May sound horrible but we are still together and still feel the same as we felt when we first met. We met on a train and got engaged 3 weeks later. It really was love at first sight for both of us. I also attribute our current status to the fact that we never had kids. That enabled us to have complete freedom in our lives and plenty of time and money to keep things fresh and exciting. 

I know what you mean though. I see that with our friends. I still touch my wife or give her a quick kiss when with others. I am the only guy who talks about his wife in a good way when I am with the "guys". At one time there was a woman trying to seduce me at a bar and after awhile she told me to shut up about my wife.  We are still intimate on a regular basis and much more than companions. My wife had a girlfriend as her companion, but I was her lover, her husband and the person she put above all else in her life.


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## Taxman

Let me echo what Karole said, except we have been married for 39 years, and together for 41. We, as well have just become empty nesters. We have always been romantic, but it is truthfully off the scale these days. For people in their 60's the sex is beyond incredible. We have difficulty keeping our hands off one another. If someone had told me in my 20's, 30's or even 40's that sex, love and passion would be a large component of our lives in our 60's, I would have called them a liar. It, however is true, and there are days where I feel like a teenaged schoolboy. It is fabulous, but wow!!

The kids used to be embarrassed by us, you know gross old folks necking in public. As they have gotten older, the attitude changed, where both stated that we wrecked them for casual relationships, and both have actively sought what we have. I am pleased that both have found love. That is all I can wish for them.


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## Yeswecan

Concerning empty nesters, my W and I are approaching that stage. Our kids are more out and about than at home. To be honest, it is very freeing when it comes to sex around the house. And I mean...AROUND the house. Not to mention the "hold it down the kids will hear" ordeal is no longer. We are free to be as vocal as we like. As a result of this new found freedom our inhibitions are off the charts. 

It is this new found freedom that has made my W and I feel like we are dating like we did over 20 years ago.


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## CuddleBug

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x




Mrs.CuddleBug is a great wife, smart, hard worker, caring, trustworthy, generous, etc. woman.She is everything a guy would want in a wife and marriage, EXCEPT.....

She still doesn't take care of her body, is bigger now than at any time in our 17+ year marriage, still talks about it, sex is 1x month and that's it, never dresses sexy or does anything sexually adventurous ever.

At times we are room mates, yet she still wants cuddles, talking and everything to resume.

So to summarize, she is everything you want in a wife / marriage except sexual and physical.

Maybe one day she will change and maybe she never will. What scares me is she could be 250+ lbs when she hits her 40's menopause. I'll still be weight training, eating okay and taking care of myself.


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## ConanHub

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x


Accepting what might be considered "normal" is a mistake in my opinion.

What you desire is I important and sounds reasonable.

Mrs. Conan and I have over 25 years since our first date and sex and over. 21 years officially married.

We have not ceased pursuing each other sexually /romantically or working hard on our relationship.

We have just come out of the toughest year of our relationship yet with increased sexual passion, intimacy and romance as well as an improved companionship.

A relationship can wither or atrophy if not purposefully cared for.

It is only natural for something to grow stale or atrophy when not being cared for and preserved like something incredibly precious and beautiful.

There really is no normal. Only what we each achieve and work towards.

To put it bluntly. My heart still stops sometimes when I look at her.

When I hold her in my arms, peace and warmth flood both of us.

We are both each others hot fvcktoys more than ever before with the best blow jobs and pvssy eating than ever before.

It is hard work but the payoff is amazing.

It is very easy to drift and let things lay. Improvement has a cost attached to it.

We have had to endure pain and discomfort to get stronger.

But that is life, isn't it?


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## *Deidre*

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug is a great wife, smart, hard worker, caring, trustworthy, generous, etc. woman.She is everything a guy would want in a wife and marriage, EXCEPT.....
> 
> She still doesn't take care of her body, is bigger now than at any time in our 17+ year marriage, still talks about it, sex is 1x month and that's it, never dresses sexy or does anything sexually adventurous ever.
> 
> At times we are room mates, yet she still wants cuddles, talking and everything to resume.
> 
> So to summarize, she is everything you want in a wife / marriage except sexual and physical.
> 
> Maybe one day she will change and maybe she never will. What scares me is she could be 250+ lbs when she hits her 40's menopause. I'll still be weight training, eating okay and taking care of myself.


Why do you feel (if you had to guess) she isn't taking care of her body?


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## SunCMars

I married a Tigress 46 years ago and only now is she slowing down. 

Fate waits to steam roll us. I hear the whoosha, whoosha of the slide-valve action of that steam machine. I fear no power.

I was going to open up about 2016's health set-back events but I feel that I am but a minor cog in the great wheel. All suffering laid at my feet is to be taken in stride. I am blessed.

I do not handle sympathy well and refuse to give Father Time his due. Besides, I ran/walked 8 miles today. It is a New Year, a renewed challenge. Invictus.

Hineni, Hineni.


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## john117

*Deidre* said:


> Why do you feel (if you had to guess) she isn't taking care of her body?


To avoid unwarranted advances?


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## SunCMars

CuddleBug said:


> Mrs.CuddleBug is a great wife, smart, hard worker, caring, trustworthy, generous, etc. woman.She is everything a guy would want in a wife and marriage, EXCEPT.....
> 
> She still doesn't take care of her body, is bigger now than at any time in our 17+ year marriage, still talks about it, sex is 1x month and that's it, never dresses sexy or does anything sexually adventurous ever.
> 
> At times we are room mates, yet she still wants cuddles, talking and everything to resume.
> 
> So to summarize, she is everything you want in a wife / marriage except sexual and physical.
> 
> Maybe one day she will change and maybe she never will. What scares me is she could be 250+ lbs when she hits her 40's menopause. I'll still be weight training, eating okay and taking care of myself.


125 lbs. -------------->250 lbs. she still has the equipment.

If she still participates in lovemaking. She isn't.... My concern would be her health, endurance and chance of getting diabetes or a sudden heart attack.

It sounds like she has given up. These are the actions of one who is depressed. She has given up. Talk to her. Find out what it is that bothers her so much. Ask her why she has given up on life.

Why she has turned to food for comfort...and not you.


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## Taxman

From my perspective getting the weight off is tantamount. I struggled with my weight my entire life. It did not help that in High School, I was big enough and in relative enough shape to qualify for both the Football and Wrestling squads. That made my nearly 225 back then completely acceptable for a 16 year-old. Problematically, the eating habits I gained, took years to un-learn. It is difficult to lose weight when you still eat as if you are 18, and your work is sedentary, and the gym is something you struggle to make time for. It took two heart attacks before I got religion. I watched helplessly as my Mom, who had the same struggles as me, died of, now get this, a clot which killed a large piece of her colon. Yup, a heart attack in your bowel. I was totally unaware that thing could happen. She died in immense pain (Think of your worst stomach ache that will NOT EVER go away). We could not even say goodbye because four strokes took her speech, ability to walk, arm mobility and finally the ability to swallow. She died loaded with morphine, it was the only thing that kept her from screaming. She also died with a full set of marbles. It would have been kinder had she developed dementia and did not know what was happening to her.

That was in 2004. I was over 300, and was scared into looking at my own health. I began to slowly change my eating. I joined a gym. I could not go for a walk longer than 5 minutes. I wore size 46 pants. I had, by that time developed type 2 diabetes, and was having immense problems with blood sugar levels. More diet, more exercise. By 2010, I was down to 250, I had crossed the pant size barrier and was a 38. The smaller you get the easier the exercise. In 2017, I am down to 198, my diabetes is under control, and I had to apologize to my wife, as that 100+ that I was carrying around since forever, actually robbed her of 2" of c**k.


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## CuddleBug

SunCMars said:


> 125 lbs. -------------->250 lbs. she still has the equipment.
> 
> If she still participates in lovemaking. She isn't.... My concern would be her health, endurance and chance of getting diabetes or a sudden heart attack.
> 
> It sounds like she has given up. These are the actions of one who is depressed. She has given up. Talk to her. Find out what it is that bothers her so much. Ask her why she has given up on life.
> 
> Why she has turned to food for comfort...and not you.




Been there and done that. I've learned that talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words....

Mrs.CuddleBug is physically lazy and unmotivated. She would rather be on her laptop, on her cell, talking with her parents and sister and watch tv, eating snacks.

Why?

Because all this requires zero effort and maintenance.

That's all it is.....some ladies take care of their bodies while others do everything but physically do anything. Just lazy I guess.


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## Taxman

I have found that physical fitness and elevated libido do go hand in hand. My wife struggled with her weight early on, but found weight watchers and is absolutely stunning, her sexual appetite has increased post weight loss and post menopause. As I have said, it ain't over until its over. We are having the best second act, and a lot of it has to do with our physicality. By all means, discuss this from the heart.


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## notmyrealname4

*Deidre* said:


> Why do you feel (if you had to guess) she isn't taking care of her body?


'Cause she's married to the biggest bore this side of the Mississippi.


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## WilliamM

My wife and I have been married for 43 years. December 15th, 1973.

Our marriage certainly has lots of spark. Some not so useful, but most of them are great.

Even now we still have sex nearly every day. Aging does make it so I have orgasms only every other day now, but we still make sure my wife has several orgasms every day.

I also make sure to do something else every day to make her smile. I just try to find something small and fun.


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## Young at Heart

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if *my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better,* but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???:x


My 2 cents, married to my college sweetheart for over 46 years. I like the David Schnarch concept of marriage. It is the hardest thing that two people can do if done correctly. Marriage (especially if you have children) forces you to each grow emotionally and to mature. People don't grow at the same rate, so there is a constant pushing/pulling tension as on partner grows and their spouse is pulled along for the ride in the marriage. 

My marriage has been wonderful at times, horrible at times and in between at times. In a Gottmans Art & Science of love weekend workshop we learned how much we shared each others moral and ethical values, how much we truly cared about each other, how much we shared a vision of where we wanted to be in 10 years, 20 years, etc. We also learned how much we trust each other and what a great financial, social, and marital team we are.

In marriage counseling with a Sex Therapist we learned how to visualize what we wanted our marriage to be. The ST also helped save our marriage when it was a sex starved marriage, because sex also involves emotional intimacy. The ST had to help us "un-learn some of our toxic habits" and re-learn new habits on how to touch, how to cherish each other.

*You are not expecting too much after a short 25 years.* Get some help from a marriage counselor or sex therapist, depending on what the issues are in your marriage.

I am looking forward to retirement in a while. My wife and I have agreed that prior to retiring we are going to take our marriage in for a tune-up with a marriage counselor to make sure we are headed where we want to with the additional free time.

Good luck.


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## Jessica38

LilMissSunshine said:


> I won't go into all of my back story, but encourage anyone to click on my user name and read more about my history if you would like. I am wondering if my expectations for a romantic and emotionally connected relationship, along with some physical intimacy is out of whack................things are getting better, but I wonder if I am just not expecting too much for a couple that has been married close to 25 years. Does it always evolve into a 'companion' type of love? I know there aren't going to be sparks and fireworks like in the very beginning, but HOW MUCH OF THAT should still be there at all 25 years later??? I may be disillusioned and need to change my thought processes................anyone have thoughts on this???


We're nearing the 15-yr mark so not quite there yet, but IMO, no, you don't have to settle for just companionship in marriage. There are intimate needs that can only be met by our romantic partner/spouse and we should not have to sacrifice romantic love because we've been married long-term.

However, I do believe that it takes effort by BOTH spouses to make the time, attention, and real work it requires to sustain an interdependent marriage. And based on what I'm seeing around me, many people simply don't know how to do this and turn towards new partners to meet those needs instead of trying to rekindle the romance in their LTR.


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## *Deidre*

WilliamM said:


> My wife and I have been married for 43 years. December 15th, 1973.
> 
> Our marriage certainly has lots of spark. Some not so useful, but most of them are great.
> 
> Even now we still have sex nearly every day. Aging does make it so I have orgasms only every other day now, but we still make sure my wife has several orgasms every day.
> 
> I also make sure to do something else every day to make her smile. I just try to find something small and fun.


Aw, this is so sweet!! It's nice to read some good stories on here about marriage.  Thank you for sharing this.


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## Keke24

WilliamM said:


> My wife and I have been married for 43 years. December 15th, 1973.
> 
> Our marriage certainly has lots of spark. Some not so useful, but most of them are great.
> 
> Even now we still have sex nearly every day. Aging does make it so I have orgasms only every other day now, but we still make sure my wife has several orgasms every day.
> 
> I also make sure to do something else every day to make her smile. I just try to find something small and fun.


 @Lisa* Look! Funny I was just mentioning this earlier.


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## HangingOn2Hope

I do think *some* should still be there even with an evolved companionship.


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