# New here- please help me get out of my toxic marriage



## Jtaylor16 (Feb 10, 2021)

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I am so desperate for advice and guidance I found this forum from Google in the hopes it will help me in some way. Its long and I apologize but I need to lay out the situation a bit..

I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years, together for 13 years. We have two young kids together. And I cannot stand him. Let me explain...

I met who i would consider the love of my life at 17 years old and we dated on and off for three years. I initially started dating my husband as a way to make my ex jealous but I truly did care for him in the beginning and it stuck. I liked him and it was fun, and I just kept letting the years go by with him. Particularly because my ex was dating someone as well. It felt a bit like a competition of who could stay with their new relationship the longest.

We fought a lot when we were younger. We had good times too, but looking back, we fought enough in our twenties when things were supposed to be ‘easy’ that I am not sure what I thought was going to change as we got older. I guess it’s to be expected considering the way we got together. We are now married in our thirties with two kids and the fighting is worse than ever. I have tried to justify the reasons over the years: moving in together, grad school stress, engagement stress, marriage, pregnancy, newborn stress, toddler stress, pandemic stress... but no matter what, it’s always like this.

I don’t know if it is the state of the world that has made me see this but I am coming to terms with the fact that I am married to a very controlling man. There are many, many, MANY examples I can give but I harken back to this standout one: he once called me repeatedly while I was at work to the point where I thought something was wrong. I stepped out and called him back, only for him to yell at me for ripping a (blank) page out of a notebook of his (which I had, for jotting down info about a doctors appointment quickly as I was on the phone with the nurse), and the kicker- I was ‘disrespecting him’ to leave the torn bits of paper in the binding of the notebook. This was before we were even engaged and I was shocked at his anger for something so harmless and mundane. I should’ve walked away then.

That same level of anger and control has dominated our marriage for years now and it’s weighing on me. He is cruel, he is mean, he is spiteful and I have come to resent him.

i want a divorce. I have threatened a divorce but he knows I have no leverage. I am a stay at home mom with no finances of my own and the few times I have told him I want to separate or want him to leave the house, he laughs. He knows that he alone calls the shots and I am so unhappy and worried for the toxic dynamic my children are witnessing between their parents

What can I do? How can I get out of this? What cards do I have and what do I do to show I have just as much of a say in our marriage as he does?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to talk to a lawyer, a divorce lawyer. The first consultation is usually free.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Start working on your resume and/or work on your education or training, whatever you need to do to help you be more prepared to enter the workforce. Then go find a job. You're going to need some money coming in if you ever want to feel like you have any power over your own life. It's never a great idea to be entirely financially dependent on another person, so stop doing that. A lot of the angst over leaving this toxic relationship will go away if you know you can support yourself. 

Next, start looking into the divorce laws in your state. And speak with at least one, perhaps a few, divorce attorneys in your area. You need a realistic understanding of the divorce process and what to reasonably expect from custody and financial settlements.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

This is going to take some real effort on your part, in fact it may be the hardest you've ever had to work in your life. You have to get yourself into a position to support yourself. There is no alternative, no easy way out. I speak from experience, I was in your shoes a few years ago. I was a stay at home mom with very limited work experience in a bad marriage and had to get out there and recreate myself. It took me about four years from start to finish with lots of planning and hard work. Every second of that struggle was worth it. My life is peaceful now and all mine, I call all the shots. Nothing happens in my life without my approval first. 

You know it's over so there's no sense in wasting any time on getting started. Getting yourself into an independent financial situation may take much longer than you'd like but if you start now the sooner you can get out. Your hard work combined with what you walk away with from the marriage should be enough to get you to where you want to be. Get in to see a lawyer and find out what you can expect with your particular financial situation/divorce. You'll need this information to plan.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Jtaylor16 said:


> i want a divorce. I have threatened a divorce but he knows I have no leverage. I am a stay at home mom with no finances of my own and the few times I have told him I want to separate or want him to leave the house, he laughs.


In most jurisdictions in your situation in a divorce you'd get the house, child support, spousal support and approximately equal share of the joint marital assets. Typically the breadwinner husband is lucky if he can afford even a small apartment after he's done paying over half his net income in combined support.

A good divorce attorney can give you an idea of how much you'd be receiving each month and for how long. Or you can search on child support and spousal support calculators for your state or area of legal jurisdiction and get a fairly good idea. He may even have to pay your legal fees.


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## MovingOn19 (Oct 26, 2020)

Your story is so similar to mine that it's scary. We also fought a lot in the beginning and I always tried to excuse it away. And while in some ways it settled down over the years, it really only did so because I started doing everything I could to avoid conflict. For the exact same reasons you describe about your husband - the level of anger over trivial things, the cruelty, and ultimately the abuse (verbal). He literally blamed me for everything that was wrong with our marriage. 

I held on for way too long always hoping that he would realize just how unreasonable he was being. But things only escalated to the point where he was arrested and removed from the home (I think you can guess why). My advice - don't let it get to that point. If there is anyone you can turn to for help - do it. Research on your own if you're able to safely about what your rights are in your state. Even if you are a stay at home mom - that is valuable work and should be taken into consideration. It may seem like you don't have leverage - but you do. The years you were in the marriage plus the work you do to raise your children are all worth something. 

If there are any social agencies in your area that could help, I would consider those as well. Even if it's just have them in your back pocket. You can do this!! And when you do, you will see that life will be so much better for you and your children once you're out of the toxic relationship.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I would say that you need to contact a divorce attorney and start down that road. After the consultation, you should have a clearer picture of what you need to do. Depending on your state of residence, alimony could be a possibility. Even if it is, you should get your resume out and start polishing it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

To get yourself out from under his control you are really going to have to be strong. My suggestion is contact an attorney, most will not charge you to talk to them initially. They can tell you what your rights are and what you are entitled to. They can give you good advise as to how to proceed. Get a counselor who knows your goals and can support you in this process. Only let family members and friends know if you feel they can support you. If any of your family or friends will encourage you to stay do not say a word to them as to what you are planning. You need to start looking at some kind of work. If you do not have a degree or a career field there are various things you can do, start looking. You do not need your husband's support or permission to work and earn your own money. I too would also start looking at what finances will be available to you once everything is split. 

You realized you made a mistake, don't kick yourself and do not doubt yourself. It was a process. You had no idea this man would be like this. Time to move on for you, time to protect yourself and your children. Keep us posted here. You will find great support here.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Maybe you guys are just immature and the fighting will subside over time. Just a thought. Parenting is hard. My wife and I fought more when young, stressed, and immature- now we almost never do. Glad we forgave each other for our immaturity.

We've all had angry calls from our spouse. Usually when it is something ridiculous (like your notebook story) you have a good laugh about it later when you get to tell your friends. Could he laugh at himself about this when relaxed?

Kind of awful though that you had the man's children- if he was just a way to make your ex jealous. I guess if you are that hopeless not sure what to say about that. Aren't you probably being a little overly dramatic and do in fact love the guy? Seems like his controlling/mean attitude is something that he could possibly work on. Obviously, we don't know all the details here.


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