# Why won't he try???



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I am at my wits end. I have been married for almost 9 years (no children yet). I moved to the state where my H is from, and we have lived here since 2003. My family lives about 4 hours away in the bordering state. I have a nightmare of a time trying to get him to accept my family or make more of an effort to see my family. He wants nothing to do with them. Whenever I go visit them, I go by myself. He has not been there since Christmas of 2006. His parents have both passed away, and he is an only child. He says that he just wants to start our own family. I fear that if I have a baby with him, that I will regret it and my family will rarely see our child. My parents and two brothers are really laid back, caring, friendly people. They have been as patient as they can be, but they are upset (as they should be). It's not like I'm asking him to move next door to them. I ask for him to go visit them with me once a year, and to allow them to visit us once in awhile. My parents finally came for a visit last weekend (because I insisted). They have not been here since 2008 (mostly because they felt that my H didn't want them to). They stayed with us for two nights, and H seemed ok during the visit. Then as soon as they left, he started in with his snarky comments, and said some really nasty things to me. I told him to be careful of what he was saying, but he spewed it anyway. We have been discussing divorce for quite awhile, and he knew this sent me over the edge. He said he was just tired when he said those things, and that he is sorry. This has been a cycle for years now, and I really don't think he is capable of changing. Between this and our awful sex life, I just don't think I can let myself get pregnant. My clock is ticking on me, so I really need to make a decision. He knows that my family and sex are the two things that I'm not willing to give up. I just don't see things changing. Any advice, please???


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

Has he explained why he doesn't like your family?

My wife doesn't like my family, but she has good reason not to. So for me, I just see them when I can and don't expect her to join me or to like them, but she also knows they are my family and that means something to me.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thank you for your reply. There really is no reason. He just says negative things about them and sometimes uses his culture as an excuse. He is of a certain ethnicity on his father's side only. Since he is an only child, I think that sometimes he regrets not marrying someone of that ethnicity. Keep in mind though that his daily life does not really have anything to do with that culture, and he has very few friends of that ethnicity. His parents were not really into the culture either. Religion is not the issue either. He's the one making this an issue. My parents were really there for him when his father was ill and when he himself was ill. They really can't do anything else to reach out to him, and I give them credit for dealing with this in a civil manner. If they knew half of what H has said, then it would be a totally different story. I have told him several times that we should just split up and he should find someone else. When the D talks get serious, he does a complete 180, and says he doesn't want a wife of that ethnicity. He said no one else would stick around through all of the things that we went through together. So basically it's a cycle and nothing really changes for very long, but he claims that he doesn't want a divorce.

Any more advice? Please?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You can't change him, but you can change you. 

Look closely at how you respond to him and how you can respond in ways that will work best for you. For example, instead of allowing his nasty comments to get under your skin, why not just say "I don't appreciate being talked to that way" and go in the other room for awhile. 

If it's a comment about your family say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", repeat as often as necessary. Don't let him upset you with those remarks, just repeat yourself in a calm manner and direct your attention elsewhere, he'll quickly get tired of putting them out there.

Stop asking if your family is allowed to come to your home or not. Tell him "My family is coming on these days". It's up to him if he wants to include himself or not. Once or twice a year isn't going to kill him and unless they are disrespectful of him there is no reason why they shouldn't be welcome. Now, if they are disrespectful, then they shouldn't be welcome, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case

Being of a different culture has nothing to do with it and just seems like a silly excuse for bad behavior. I am very well versed in many different cultures due to my own families heritage and I can't think of a single one of them that doesn't value family relations.

As far as visiting your family, expecting him to go if he doesn't want to is unfair on your side. I know you would like if he were there, but it's really up to him. Go by yourself and don't let him see it bothers you if he goes or not. Perhaps after realizing that you are going whether he goes or not, and that you don't really care, then perhaps he'll decide he's not getting the same benefits out of not going and will then decide to go. If not, enjoy your family and some time apart and then come home and share your adventures with him.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

goincrazy said:


> Thank you for your reply. There really is no reason. He just says negative things about them and sometimes uses his culture as an excuse.


There is no reason.... but he says "negative things." I would bet a dollar if you listened to his "negative things", you may actually get your supposedly nonexistent reasons.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

What are the negative things he says? I don't want to insult your family, or you, but I think vthomeschoolmom may be right when she says that his negative statements may hold the reasons you're not seeing. And maybe there's no truth to what he says. But listen to him anyway. Even if there's no truth to what he says, there still may be something there that can clue you in to the problem. If he says they're disrespectful, think about what they may do or not do that could come across as disrespectful, even if they don't mean it that way. If he says he feels left out, again look at what they may do or not do that could make him feel that way. Things like this are not necessarily about reality, but about perception. If his perception is that they don't like him or welcome him or whatever, then you have to understand that and try to figure out a way to change that perception. 

However, whether his reasons are valid or not, your family is still your family. If you want to go visit them, then go visit them. Yes, it would be nice for him to be with you, but it's not required. If you want them to come visit you, invite them. Tell him they are coming, when they will be there and how long they will be staying. Leave it up to him to decide if he wants to spend time with them or not. If you don't see your family, that's your own doing, not his. You are an adult, and all you need to do is tell him you're going to see them or they are coming to see you. You need neither his permission nor approval. 

As for the rest, you need to look hard at the marriage. Are you getting more positive than negative out of it? And the things you give up...are they worth giving up or will you regret it later? The children issue especially...if you give up on having children, will you regret it later? And I'm not suggesting you have them with him, but asking if maybe you should consider that maybe you don't want kids with him because you don't really want to be with him.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks for the replies! I appreciate everyone's input. He definitely does not prevent me from seeing my family. I've been there 3 times in the past year by myself (including Christmas). We were here the Christmas before, and my mother really wanted us to be there last year. He refused, so I went alone. He has not been there since 2006. I know it's not right to force him to go, and it's almost to the point where I would rather leave his negative butt at home, but what kind of marriage is that? I want to have kids, and I want my kids to know my family. I'm not very demanding, and I moved out of state for him. Marriage only works if both people are willing to give and compromise.

The negative things he says are usually about where they live. They live in a rural area, and he despises it. He mocks the way they speak, where they live (by a cornfield), and what they enjoy doing on the weekends. He hates the fact that they have season tickets for an NFL team ("what a waste of money", etc.). These things have no effect on his life whatsoever, and I'm not sure if I want my children exposed to this attitude. They have never been disrespectful to him, and they don't mock his culture or what he enjoys. My brother called him on his birthday, and he refused to talk to him. He has said that they are too mainstream for him, and he just can't deal with it. 

At this point in the marriage I do think that there is more negative than positive. I feel that I may have regrets later on down the road. I really do want children and my clock is ticking on me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

The thoughts that are going through my head may not be very helpful. I would find myself asking myself, do I want to be with a guy like this? It would appear to me to be a matter of character. For me I would be thinking to myself if living near a cornfield is bad, what about me? I come from cornfield too. What kind of person judges this way? 

I remember when DH and I were first married I had similar thoughts about him wrt to what I viewed as fiscal and life irresponsibility. What kind of person doesn't feel some moral compunction to honor is word, pay the bills, whatever.

I remember having a conversation with him. I love you. But eventually this is going to be a deal breaker for me. I am not bringing children into the world with a man who says he is going to do something then completely blows it off or who buys expensive camping gear instead of paying the phone bill.

It definitely involved limit setting. One conversation did not do it! It seems that irresponsible behavior may be easier to set limits on than an attitude of superiority... I don't even know how that would be done!

Good luck!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, here's the thing...the things he says about your family...they raised you. So, in my view, when he says those things about your family, he's saying them about you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so negative and derogatory about the place and way I was raised, who disliked my family so much. That would be a dealbreaker for me. I can't stand my boyfriend's mom. She did some seriously horrible things to him when he was a kid. He doesn't like her either, and talks bad about her all the time. But...I don't. Because I feel it's not my place to say anything bad about his mother. Your husband should feel the same way. He should feel that even if those things bother him, it's not his place to say something.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

You guys are right. The things he says about my family do reflect upon myself also. He has been extremely nice and sweet this week after what he said to me on Sunday (after my parents left). He was so hurtful. Just basically saying some of the things that I explained in previous posts and he even agreed that we should divorce. I told him that if he lets something like that destroy a marriage, then he obviously is not in love with me. He agreed (at the time), and I told him that he was driving nails into the coffin when he was saying those things, and he continued. Later he apologized and said that he was just tired. Well, I guess he's been pretty tired for the past 7 years. It's a shame because he can be so nice, and he is really not a bad person. I feel that the right thing for me to do is move on, but I'm afraid. We've been through a lot together, and finally our financial situation is good. I dread having to start over. I'll be 33 in October, and that scares me. He says that he doesn't mean what he said, but this has been a cycle for quite some time, and I really don't think he can change. Also, the lack of sex/intimacy is another problem (for which I post about in the sex section). I'm not sure how much longer I'm willing to work on this marriage because I'm not getting any younger, and I want children.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think your H sounds jealous. He lost both of his parents and has no family. it must hurt a lot to see you around yours. He's probably threatened by them, too. Im not saying that excuses how he's handling it, or that you should stay, but i can kind of see where he's coming from- He wants you to be his family, but you've already got one.


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