# Coping with lack of sex/affection in marriage?



## Franklin

Thank you for your great advice to my last post. I have decided to ignore the friend when possible and never be alone with her. I will not tell my wife, yet, because of their close relationship.

I have another problem. The root cause of my desire to cheat. My marriage lacks physical affection. My wife doesn't understand why I need sex more than twice a month. She doesn't hug or kiss or understand why I need these the things. When we do have sex it is kind of awkward. She lays there and says "ok, lets do it" and I usually feel like I am using her body. 

This has been going on for years. There is always an excuse, depression, she is too busy, medication, she is just not feeling it, maybe things will change as we get older. We have gone to counseling, she has tried different medication. She is not going through depression now. I try to be as helpful and understanding as possible. I do most of the housework, laundry, and cooking now because one of the possible problems was that she needed more help. 

So nothing is working. I don't want to be mean but I think she has a very low sex drive to the point of being asexual. She could go for months maybe years without the need for sex. She knew of my sex drive when I married her. When we met I was having sex with several women and her and I had sex all the time. Now looking back, I think this was just to impress me. I have cheated several times since we have been married but she has only found out about one. I hate cheating! I want to be a good husband and love my wife and our relationship is almost perfect besides this one issue. If I were to be castrated we would have a perfect relationship! I do not think I am willing to live the rest of my life without sex. To complicate things when I go out women do hit on me from time to time, even telling me they want to have sex, sometimes even with my wife there, they have even said they will include her. The temptation is there, even when I try to avoid it.

So, what do I do? I have a high sex drive my wife has none.


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## srena200

HOw long have you been married? How many kids? If the answer is more than 10 years and more than 2 kids - you already know the answer of why there is a lack of sex and affection


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## GPR

srena200 said:


> HOw long have you been married? How many kids? If the answer is more than 10 years and more than 2 kids - you already know the answer of why there is a lack of sex and affection


Let me guess. She is tired from taking care of him, tired from taking care of the kids, tired of doing all of the house work, and he needs to just get over it and realize sex isn't important, right?

First thing, if she really does suffer from depression, that is a huge thing right there. It is common knowledge that depression, and depression medications, will kill a woman's sex drive. 

Also, you have told her your need for sex, but have you really explained the why? So many woman (like srena up here) think that men wanting sex has only to do with some animal instinct and an obsession with the penis. Crap. If she thinks this as well, and doesn't realize WHY you want sex, then she will be more apt to brush it off and tell you to deal with it.


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## NothingMan

srena200 said:


> HOw long have you been married? How many kids? If the answer is more than 10 years and more than 2 kids - you already know the answer of why there is a lack of sex and affection


I'll tell ya why. Because when women get "tired" the first thing they cut out is sex with their husbands. As if to say, hey, Ive had sex with you for 10 years, I dont have to anymore because we have kids and we're married so I don't have to worry about taking care of what you need. Not like we can escape right? Not like we're going to give up our children over something so insignificant as sex?

It's always the same excuse. Im tired...I work construction 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. Try paving in 95+ degree's with 90+% humidity. Try swinging a sledge hammer and a pickaxe all day long in the dust and heat. You wanna talk about tired. Yet, amazingly, when I get home and after *I* make dinner and bath the kids and get them to bed, somehow *I* am not too tired to want to make love with my wife.

Come up with a new excuse already. This same crap of I'm tired over and over is like beating a dead horse. It's a lie. Your not too tired to have sex, you just dont want to. Stop using your difficult day and hard life day after day after day as an excuse. And after you've done it enough, dont come back and say how your husband feels distant from you or he's cheated and you dont know why.

I'll tell ya why he cheated, because you stopped showing him you loved him. For men sex = love. You stop supplying the sex, we dont feel loved. Dont care? Fine. I'll go find someone to love me. But not after I divorce you first.

Tired. Im tired of hearing about how tired women are.

If your wife is claiming to be tired all the time tell her this.

You understand she doesnt want to have sex because she's tired, it's perfectly normal and every marriage goes through it. Then explain to her that your going to have sex with a woman this weekend. Explain that it doesnt have to be her if she doesnt want to, but it is going to be this weekend and it is going to be a woman. Explain that it's perfectly normal, all marriages go through it, and its not a problem with her, its a problem with you.




John


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## tomm

I have the same issue, but as far as i know its normal.
not that its ok, but what can you do?


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## Mommybean

If the "i'm tired" after a day to day routine with the kids, house, chores, etc was valid...then I would not be getting ANY....because my HUSBAND is the one who stays home with the kids and maintains our house. Yet, I come home from work, help out with ALL of the responsibilities, roughhouse and cuddle with our boys...and at the end of the night, most times if I am not pawing at him first, he's pawing at me! Our sex life certainly does not suffer, so I have to agree to an extent that the "tired" theory is bunk. 
What I do know about being a SAHM ( because I was one, before we switched places) is that its quite easy to begin writing yourself off the list of things "to do"...if she is not taking care of herself, not making the effort to remember that she IS a seperate entity from the kids, then her sexuality WILL suffer, because she is ONLY viewing herself as Mom...she is neglecting herself as a woman and definitely negelecting herself as a wife. Depression, would definitely figure into it because it WRECKS your ability to expereince any sort of pleasure,and some of the med's do the same thing.


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## NothingMan

tomm said:


> I have the same issue, but as far as i know its normal.
> not that its ok, but what can you do?


Its common...but it's not normal. What can you do? Call her out.



John


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## Franklin

I have talked to my wife about the problem. At this point we have realized that she has very little to no sex drive but we do not know what to do. It is not that she is tired. I now do most of the house cleaning and cooking. She knows I love her very much. 

She doesn't understand why I can't just use her body for sex. To me it just feels bad. There is also a lack of affection, just the basic hug and kiss. This has been going on for years and I have no idea what to do. This is the way she is and I can't make her want sex. Any suggestions? Like I said I don't like/want to cheat and I promised myself never to do it again. The lies, secrets, and the possibility of hurting people is just too much. Do I just have to live a sexless life until the day die?


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## NothingMan

Nope. Go get her some testosterone. It should increase her sex drive. If she is on pscho meds, try to figure out which one may cause a lack of sex drive.

Maybe she's just bored. If she's willing to try new stuff, buy some toys, watch some porn with her. You'll find something that gets her motor running. Hopefully. Unless she's like my wife. In which case, it wont matter.

On the using her body for sex, tell her at that point she's a glorified blow up doll. Why is it so difficult to have a wife who wants to have sex.

Im starting to think god built em like that to punish us. Jack nicholson had it right. "Women....a mistake? Or did he do it to us on purpose?" He did it to us on purpose.


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## nightshade

NothingMan said:


> Im starting to think god built em like that to punish us. Jack nicholson had it right. "Women....a mistake? Or did he do it to us on purpose?" He did it to us on purpose.


What a lovely sentiment.


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## MissSwiss

Franklin said:


> I have talked to my wife about the problem. At this point we have realized that she has very little to no sex drive but we do not know what to do. It is not that she is tired. I now do most of the house cleaning and cooking. She knows I love her very much.
> 
> She doesn't understand why I can't just use her body for sex. To me it just feels bad. There is also a lack of affection, just the basic hug and kiss. This has been going on for years and I have no idea what to do. This is the way she is and I can't make her want sex. Any suggestions? Like I said I don't like/want to cheat and I promised myself never to do it again. The lies, secrets, and the possibility of hurting people is just too much. Do I just have to live a sexless life until the day die?



Well here's my essay. From a married woman's perspective I don't think you should have to live like that. I think you have made a good decision in deciding not to cheat any longer, it will NOT help the situation. However, I urge you to try anything you can in the meantime to get your wife to understand your point of view and your feelings. From what you've said (cheating before, getting hit on etc...) I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you throw caution to the wind again and cheat. If your not satisfied at home you will get it from somewhere else, weather it's another woman, or constant porn etc... And that is certainly going to ruin your marriage more than telling your wife the truth- that you are not happy, your don't feel desired or loved by her and you NEED her to make love. 

Now for solutions. Ask your wife to go to see a doctor to see if they can help. Perhaps there are some medications they can prescribe to stir her hormones. You can also try to make her feel good about herself and make her feel sexy. Compliment her, buy her perfume (I would say lingerie but that will most likely backfire at this point), book her a spa day etc...And don't just stop there, make sure you're desirable too. Wear cologone again, dress in clothes she likes, pop in a breathmint (bad breath for me is the biggest killer of sex). Do all the things you would do at the beginning, or if you were with another woman. I know some men don't try at all to look good for their wives and all of a sudden pick up a mistress and start working out and looking good. If they would have put that energy into their wife they may not have ever looked at another woman. 

I read a study once that said the more you have sex the more you desire it. If the sex drive is not stimulated in your brain, your brain will literally forgets about sex. As soon as you stop having and thinking about sex, your brain will stop desiring it. As soon as you start having and thinking about sex you desire it even more. So maybe she just needs to restart the sex drive in her brain by having it even when she's not in the mood. The other guy also had a great idea on buying her toys. Porn maybe not if you ask me. Watching my man get turned on by some fake skank is not a turn on for me. I want my husband to me turned on by me. My husband and I do get really turned on when we shop together at a toy store. I'm never in the "mood" when we use toys, but they're like Ruffles,once you start it you just can't stop. I would find it really hard to believe that if she had a bunny on her downstairs business for 15 minutes that she would not be turned on. She may not have a sex "drive" persay, but she can't be totally numb down there! Unless of course she is numb down there, in which case scratch everything I've said and rush her to the nearest hospital. 

It also sounds like your wife may not fully understand the implications of your sexless marriage. A sexless marriage=loveless marriage=divorce. Many women believe men are the sterotypical mindless sex drones portrayed on tv. They think men are lucky to be having sex at all and will take it whenever and however they can. If you can explain to her that you don't just want to F*ck you want to make love to her, which includes her responding to you. Explain to her that you need to feel loved and you need to feel that closeness with her. You need to feel the most intimate act that is only between you & her. Sex is one of the most important acts that defines a marriage, that differentiates your relationship from roomates. You need the passion and the love. A marriage is consumated by making love because this is the most intimate expression of love there is. Sex is what brings you closer. Sex is not only to get off, its a physical manifestation of the love you share. She should at least want to kiss you, hug you, and feel desired as well. You may need to explain to her that you are asking for affection and love making from her and your'e not sure how long you can continue living like this. If she understands your point of view and realizes the gravity of the situation I would think she would want to do whatever she possibly could to increase her sex drive and enrich her relationship. 

Bottom line is if you have the wonderful relationship you've described it sounds like she loves you. When you love someone you want them to be happy and you want to fufill their needs. If you have had a serious discussion about your feelings and needs with her I'm sure she won't object to trying to fufill your needs in anyway she can. I don't think it's too much to ask. It's not like you're asking her to become a swinger with you. If she refuses to try anything (within reason of course) to increase her sex drive well then you should get counseling because obviously she is not even trying to meet your needs.


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## sisters359

How much sleep does your wife get? I suspect that sleep deprivation is the REAL killer of a woman's sex drive, and unless she gets more sleep, all your help around the house WON'T help. I don't think men realize how much sleep a mom loses--we often wake and sometimes even get up and our spouse has no idea it's happened. If kids are young, they are constantly on our bodies--holding, carrying, nursing if they are still babies--it is a huge demand and having one more person "claw" at us when we are sleep-deprived is just too much. I know that once I got more sleep, my sex drive began to return--it took a long time, frankly, and was an up-and-down thing b/c my kids had ear infections that had me up at night for years. BUT, once I started to get sound sleep, my libido (with help, that is, intentional arousal) began to recover too. My husband did not respond appropriately, however, so our problems stem from a different source than yours.

Start encouraging her to nap when you get home--explain your concerns, and ask her to try catching up on her sleep as a way to remedy her low sex drive. If she has any signs of a sleep disorder or sleep apnea, address that with her m.d., too. 

She may well feel, at first, that you are being selfish, wanting her to get sleep "only" so she can have sex with you (ie, it isn't b/c of your concern for her). Tell her it is for the marriage--you love her, you want to remain married, but you cannot continue to endure a marriage like it is has been. The "sleep-for-sex" exchange will be tricky to negotiate unless she learns to appreciate how important it is for YOU as a way of feeling her love for you. That's where some joint counseling will help. The whole set up is going to feel very artificial at first, but with time, patience, and a mutual commitment, it may be the best solution. Good luck.


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## NothingMan

Sister359 offers good advice and a half viable solution to the "tired" excuse. You may as well try it, never leave any stone unturned as they say.



John


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## snix11

Don't want to go to work? we do it anyway.
Dont want to pay the bills? we do it anway.
Don't want to have sex? do it anyway. 

What does WANT have to do with it? Sex is something we do for ourselves, our partners and our marriage. It is the very GLUE that holds together a marriage. Without sex, what is the point in even BEING married? At best you are co-parents and roommates. It doesn't fulfill our most basic needs of affection and sexual fulfillment. 

She needs to stop being so selfish. 

And this from a woman who wants sex all the time, but my husband is the one who could care less, lets me 'rape' him etc. Phooey on that. But I don't cheat. And I won't. But I will go up to him and tell him next month that if he doesn't want me sexually, I'm darn sure going to find someone who does.

All you can do is state your feelings and let her know what YOU are going to do about it if she does nothing. You can't change her, and if she won't communicate with you about it, what other choice do you have?


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## NothingMan

snix11 said:


> Don't want to go to work? we do it anyway.
> Dont want to pay the bills? we do it anway.
> Don't want to have sex? do it anyway.
> 
> What does WANT have to do with it? Sex is something we do for ourselves, our partners and our marriage. It is the very GLUE that holds together a marriage. Without sex, what is the point in even BEING married? At best you are co-parents and roommates. It doesn't fulfill our most basic needs of affection and sexual fulfillment.
> 
> She needs to stop being so selfish.
> 
> And this from a woman who wants sex all the time, but my husband is the one who could care less, lets me 'rape' him etc. Phooey on that. But I don't cheat. And I won't. But I will go up to him and tell him next month that if he doesn't want me sexually, I'm darn sure going to find someone who does.
> 
> All you can do is state your feelings and let her know what YOU are going to do about it if she does nothing. You can't change her, and if she won't communicate with you about it, what other choice do you have?



Word.


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## Choose2love

Nothing Man,

I need to commend you for your words, very well stated and to the point. However, my husband is the one who is "tired" all the time or its too late, or we just did yesterday etc. You are SO RIGHT... it is flat out an issue of not wanting to... period... end of sentence! Nothing further need to be said (except in the case of depression meds which will kill even a man's libido!). My man is not on them, he just doesnt want to have sex.

Snix11, I like what you said as well! Marriage without sex is like being roomates at best... so why even be married? Hey mine used to let me "grind" on him when he wasnt in the mood and I was... not anymore... last time we did that he turned his face away from me and winced until I stopped and got off. Insensitive.


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## WakeUpC22

This is a general message so it's not targeted at anyone in particular. But unless your spouse really is a dead fish in both affection and in the bed, you have to assume that there is a valid reason for them to act the way they do and yet tell them as plainly as you've stated here what you want. And in this case that is sex = love.

They do have an obligation to ensure your happiness but you also have an obligation to respect the crap they say they're dealing with until they feel heard enough to hear you. Unfortunately if there is a lot of grudges in your relationship you cannot expect to have your life turned around overnight. That is where the primitive desires for love and sex turn off and higher functioning turns on where we do our best to survive until our partner finally gets it. And also where one person makes the adult move to give before getting.

A lot of bad advice online states that men use affection as a leverage to get sex, and that women care nothing about sex and only themselves. As a married couple, hell as any couple, no one should listen to such BS no matter who it comes from and listen to your significant other first. As a man you're probably going "no **** sherlock" sex is important but as women many of us (though not all) don't intuitively treat sex as love until much later on.

In my relationship I chose to listen to none of the advice online and trusted what he told me about sex even though I did not get what I wanted first. He was pretty much a cold fish, well a horny one so we had sex daily until little by little he became more affectionate. I gave him hints, telling him what I liked during sex that actually felt affectionate to me and he followed through. More sex = yes I'll do that. Now he likes hugging and cuddling out of sex more than me and I'm the one who needs to work on my affection, lol. But Sex = Love is true enough. Also sex is fun and satisfying when done with the right attitude. You don't want sex well your partner will definitely feel it and for some like my man, you might as well not bother doing it all. I've done it before and we both weren't happy and the explanations thereafter weren't fun.

An additional tip is that if you know for sure you're going to get some and you know historically showing affection was an issue I can't explain to you how nice cuddling naked is and how it is a turn on when he's erect and presses himself against my back but he doesn't make a move. It instead makes me make the move first. 

Sex really is affection when done right and if you're happy there's no need to turn off the affection when you're done. If you want to sleep, at least hold her and cuddle her to indicate that you are willing to be affectionate after sex and are happy with her.

The key to all this is for her to learn that more sex = getting more affection. Of if she's weird and doesn't want affection, more of what she wants. And when she makes that link you'll basically have her knocking down your walls for a romp. You'll also think very very differently about her needs as you will soon make a sexual connection to doing things for her. Hell you may even like doing those things as they bring about a positive change in her attitude.

It did for me and sometimes I find myself wanting more sex than he does.


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## Jeff50

Franklin said:


> Thank you for your great advice to my last post. I have decided to ignore the friend when possible and never be alone with her. I will not tell my wife, yet, because of their close relationship.
> 
> I have another problem. The root cause of my desire to cheat. My marriage lacks physical affection. My wife doesn't understand why I need sex more than twice a month. She doesn't hug or kiss or understand why I need these the things. When we do have sex it is kind of awkward. She lays there and says "ok, lets do it" and I usually feel like I am using her body.
> 
> This has been going on for years. There is always an excuse, depression, she is too busy, medication, she is just not feeling it, maybe things will change as we get older. We have gone to counseling, she has tried different medication. She is not going through depression now. I try to be as helpful and understanding as possible. I do most of the housework, laundry, and cooking now because one of the possible problems was that she needed more help.
> 
> So nothing is working. I don't want to be mean but I think she has a very low sex drive to the point of being asexual. She could go for months maybe years without the need for sex. She knew of my sex drive when I married her. When we met I was having sex with several women and her and I had sex all the time. Now looking back, I think this was just to impress me. I have cheated several times since we have been married but she has only found out about one. I hate cheating! I want to be a good husband and love my wife and our relationship is almost perfect besides this one issue. If I were to be castrated we would have a perfect relationship! I do not think I am willing to live the rest of my life without sex. To complicate things when I go out women do hit on me from time to time, even telling me they want to have sex, sometimes even with my wife there, they have even said they will include her. The temptation is there, even when I try to avoid it.
> 
> So, what do I do? I have a high sex drive my wife has none.


I wish I had advice for you, but all I can really do is say you're not alone. I have been married to my wife for 15 years now. During our first 8 years, we had a very respectful, romantic, loving, and intimate relationship. As time went on, we became house mates and co-parents. Until about 4 years ago, I fought to keep the marriage as a marriage. For the last four years, I've given up hope. My wife seems thrilled with the new (asexual/unromantic/distant) arrangement, but I'm in Hell.

Our son's a teenager now. My wife really wants to live in a town just outside of commuting range from my work (and where it would be difficult for me to find a decent job). She is also beginning to re-enter the workplace, and is pursuing a career that would allow her to work from a home-office most of the time. So by the time our son's in his late teens, she can just go to her new town, while I stick around where I can pursue my profession. Her dream town is close enough for me to easily see my son on weekends (when he's not too busy for dad...). So why not?

I've repeatedly asked her to work with me to rebuild the marriage. She's repeatedly said things to the tune of "my way for the highway buddy!" So, emotionally speaking, I'm packing. Once my family responsibilities are lessened, then the highway looks really, really good. I'd rather be alone that feel unloved, disrespected, and used (like a human ATM machine).


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## AskMeAnything

Franklin said:


> Thank you for your great advice to my last post. I have decided to ignore the friend when possible and never be alone with her. I will not tell my wife, yet, because of their close relationship.
> 
> I have another problem. The root cause of my desire to cheat. My marriage lacks physical affection. My wife doesn't understand why I need sex more than twice a month. She doesn't hug or kiss or understand why I need these the things. When we do have sex it is kind of awkward. She lays there and says "ok, lets do it" and I usually feel like I am using her body.
> 
> This has been going on for years. There is always an excuse, depression, she is too busy, medication, she is just not feeling it, maybe things will change as we get older. We have gone to counseling, she has tried different medication. She is not going through depression now. I try to be as helpful and understanding as possible. I do most of the housework, laundry, and cooking now because one of the possible problems was that she needed more help.
> 
> So nothing is working. I don't want to be mean but I think she has a very low sex drive to the point of being asexual. She could go for months maybe years without the need for sex. She knew of my sex drive when I married her. When we met I was having sex with several women and her and I had sex all the time. Now looking back, I think this was just to impress me. I have cheated several times since we have been married but she has only found out about one. I hate cheating! I want to be a good husband and love my wife and our relationship is almost perfect besides this one issue. If I were to be castrated we would have a perfect relationship! I do not think I am willing to live the rest of my life without sex. To complicate things when I go out women do hit on me from time to time, even telling me they want to have sex, sometimes even with my wife there, they have even said they will include her. The temptation is there, even when I try to avoid it.
> 
> So, what do I do? I have a high sex drive my wife has none.


Why you even married her if you had any thoughts of cheating of her because her lack of sexual thrills?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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