# husband doesn't know how to cope



## AloneInACrowd

My husband was a wonderful happy man, until we moved for my job almost 5 years ago. It took a while for him to find a job, and it was extremely stressful for both of us. He perked back up a bit once he was employed, but never fully returned to the man with whom I had agreed to move. When we moved again (because we were both unhappy where we were located) and again, he had a hard time finding a job - since the economy had just crashed- he was miserable. And, by proxy, so was I. He was petty, anxious, mean, and clingy. He took things personally- whether a comment from me or a less than polite driver or telephone operator. He finally did find another job and we sold our old house, so our finances are fortunately great now. And yet, he remained grumpy- about congress changing our taxes, taking away our flex spending accnt (in 2014) and similar. Or having to pay an extra few dollars for some convenience. He makes me feel guilty for buying things we don't desperately need- yet we save something like $20k/yr for retirement; we are clearly fortunate and not hurting for money- a new pair of running shoes every year isn't going break the bank. 

Last year, his brother died. He claimed it didn't really affect him, other than feeling like he needed to do a bit more for our young (now fatherless) niece and for his parents. He's irritated that his dad is terribly depressed and won't deal with it and drags his mom down. And now he has another relative dying of cancer.

I don't know what to do to help him, but I don't think I can spend one more family dinner (we have a toddler) talking about the most convenient way to fly home for funerals, which airlines will take miles last minute for bereavement fares, and whether his other family members' finances are in order so that when they die his parents (and thus him) won't be burdened. These kinds of things are almost all we talk about.

I've tried to get him to go to therapy, but he didn't bother. I've tried to get us to marriage counseling, in the hopes that he'd realize how depressed he was, and how much it affects me. That didn't work either. I think a bit cause of all this is that he had a charmed childhood, and nothing bad ever really happened so he doesn't know how to cope- so he just doesn't. But he can't learn coping skills without some help, and certainly wouldn't let me help even if I had the tools to do so. And I can't keep living on eggshells and misery; I also worry my child will start to have her dad's outlook on the world- I don't want her thinking the world's falling apart and everyone's out to screw her. 

I know this is a common theme on this board, but how do you help someone who won't admit he needs it? And am I awful for considering giving up and leaving him after 4 years of on-and-off of this, when I know he's only acting so poorly because he's hurting? Where is the line between being cold/not-compassionate and being self- (and child) preserving, when there is absolutely no physical abuse involved? (the line seems clear to me when there is abuse)


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