# I think I got some insight on the sexless marriage thing



## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

I've been married to my wife for 23 years and we've been together 25. As with many people starting out in relationships we had sex multiple times a day. We simply couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

Fast forward a few years after marriage and the sex declined a bit, but it wasn't in the problem zone by any stretch. Then a couple of kids later and we were down to once a month or maybe once every 6 weeks. I'm a HD guy and so was she until that point. My levels of sexual frustration were off the charts and yet she seemed unconcerned.

I tried "talking", I tried prerssure, I tried every damn thing I could think of. I did more housework, I tried to be more "romantic". I asked her what she wanted. But she never was able to give me an answer that made much sense. We did hit a crisis zone. I'll confess that I had sex with a co-worker several times .. but that's another story. 

We since moved to Europe and have been here a few years now. Things improved a little. There was a marked decline in stress in our lives and that may have helped a bit. But sex was still far less frequent than I wanted and frankly I think she often did it as a matter of duty more than real desire. I was frustrated, but resigned to the fact that my wife went from HD to LD and it appeard she wasn't coming back. I was pissed off at the injustice of it.

During this time, I experimented with anabolic steroids to improve my workouts. I've been bodybuilding for years now. I did three "cycles", which are 3 month series of injections followed by an equally long period of recovery. I don't want to delve into this in this thread. I mention it to explain what happens next, and that's all.

Anyways, the extra testosterone on my last cycle may have done something to my libido and my psyche. I always loved my wife, but I suddenly fell head over heels over her like if she was a new lover or something. I simply couldn't get enough of her. I'm not talking just about sex. I wanted to feel her naked skin against mine. I wanted to hold her hand just to get that charge from feeling her palm against mine. If we were on the couch watching a TV show, I used to be OK with us stiing a foot apart. Now I wanted to hold her hand or even better, have her lean against me. It just felt so good to have her thqt close. I kept telling her how hot she is (she actually is .. people hit on her all the time). I was nice to her in a way that I guess a new lover is. The best behavior syndrome I guess. 

At first, she was a bit taken aback by the attention. But I could see she was eating it up. At first I was a little worried I was going to drive her away by seeming too attentive. But in reality, she opened up to me sexually alot. She was initiating more. She started texting me that she missed me while I was at work. Before, her excuse for not having sex was that our teenage kids might walk in or something. Now she didn't care. Our sex went from once every week or two - to 5x a week+. We also were spending more time having sex. It used to take a few minutes to get done, now we go on for more than 45 minutes to an hour. It's gone from vanilla most of the time to trying new stuff. And she's completely into it. She started texting me messages that had sexual innuendos. That was something she never did. Without me asking, she bought sexy lingerie that she put on during sex.

Our entire relationship has changed. It feels awesome. I feel like I'm walking on air. 

*Now to the point:*

Back when I was trying to get my wife to tell me what she wanted. I never got what I thought was a straight answer. I was a bit bitter about that because I thought she was either not being honest or she had no damn reason.

But now, I realize why she couldn't tell me. I think she didn't know consciously that this is what she wanted. She couldn't verbalize or envision this scenario. I mean what was she going to say? "I need you to be crazy about me again like when we were 20?" She probably didn't feel that way herself. She likemly didn't know that this is what she wanted. She maybe just thought _something_ was missing.

And besides, if by some miracle she knew to ask for this .. wouldn't it ruin it all if I did it upon request? To her it would feel like I was just doing it because she asked. Like asking someone to act "surprised". If you asked .. it doesn't seem real.

I'm by far no relationship expert. I don't even know if this scenario would even work with another person and his wife. I just know it changed everything for us. But if there is any way you can get yourself to genuinely fall in love with your wife again .. you'll naturally know what to do to get her going again without the need of any instructions or tips. That's how you got her in the first place.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is not likely all of it ... but I suspect it is significant for many men.

Upping your testosterone levels can make a man more passionate for his wife. Many women will react well to this. Not saying all will. But certainly worth a try.

I am not suggesting steroids but I do suggest that it is a good idea for a man to do activities that boost his natural T levels. Lifting does this. 

Also not a bad idea for a man to get his levels checked.


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is not likely all of it ... but I suspect it is significant for many men.
> 
> Upping your testosterone levels can make a man more passionate for his wife. Many women will react well to this. Not saying all will. But certainly worth a try.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. Again, I don't want the steroids use to be the focus of this thread. I do believe I could have induced these feelings without them. The steroids just "made" me do it naturally. The point I hope I conveyed in the thread is that your wife may not be able to verbalize what she wants. And that my wife responded to me being totally and genuinely into her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ShinyNewGuy said:


> I agree with you. Again, I don't want the steroids use to be the focus of this thread. I do believe I could have induced these feelings without them. The steroids just "made" me do it naturally. The point I hope I conveyed in the thread is that your wife may not be able to verbalize what she wants. And that my wife responded to me being totally and genuinely into her.


I think you have a great point. I agree.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

ShinyNewGuy said:


> I've been married to my wife for . I'll confess that I had sex with a co-worker several times .. but that's another story.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm assuming you came clean to the wife about sex with the co worker?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ShinyNewGuy said:


> I've been married to my wife for 23 years and we've been together 25. As with many people starting out in relationships we had sex multiple times a day. We simply couldn't keep our hands off of each other.
> 
> Fast forward a few years after marriage and the sex declined a bit, but it wasn't in the problem zone by any stretch. Then a couple of kids later and we were down to once a month or maybe once every 6 weeks. I'm a HD guy and so was she until that point. My levels of sexual frustration were off the charts and yet she seemed unconcerned.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your story to help others.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I think you are really on to something here. It goes along with the whole "Married Man Sex Life" philosophy. I must admit, however, that I am a recovering "Mr. Nice Guy" and this has been hard for me..."what if she rejects my advances...what if that is not what she really needs...and bla...bla...bla." 

I really need to be like this...just without the steroids!


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

So you're staying we should take steroids to help improve our sex lives?


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

Adex said:


> So you're staying we should take steroids to help improve our sex lives?


Nope. Not at all. I never suggested any such thing. I don't even recommend it. Like I said in my thread, I mentioned it only to explain my possible surge of emotion in that regard. And even that is just speculation - it could have nothing to do with that at all.

What I am suggesting is that you get yourself in the mindset that you're "in love" with your wife. Not that you love her deeply because you've been together all this time .. but the kind of love that really is infatuation. The kind where you want to leave work a little early so so you can see her sooner. Let her know you're completely crazy about her and that you find her hotter than anything and that you just want to jump her right now. 

The response from her may not come overnight, but it'll be close. In any case, if you get yourself to feel this way again, I believe you'll instinctively know what to do to get her going again in the bedroom. And I don't mean just in the bedroom. Because you feel this way, you'll find yourself doing nice things for her .. because that's just the way you feel. You'll be attentive to her because that's just what you want to do. I think it'll get you back mentally to where you were when you were able to get your wife to fall for you and say "yes" to your marriage proposal.

That's what happened with me. We're back in the infatuation love phase after 25 years. It's just an idea I'm throwing out for you guys who like me were in a less than satisfying sexual relationship with their wives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShinyNewGuy,

Your situation is interesting. I think that you are right that your wife could not tell you what she needed because she did not know. And you just stumbled on it. Lucky for both of you!!

Here are a couple of articles that might explain how your renewed enthusiasm and romantic (not sexual) closeness and touching of your wife brought her back.
I wonder if the steroids upped your dopamine production & uptake as well. Dopamine is large responsible for the feelings of love and Oxytocin for bonding.

Oxytocin

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

@EleGirl

That was interesting. I actually wasn't aware of any of that at all. 

I remember often my wife getting a little miffed I wasn't holding her hand while walking or getting close enough to her while we'd be watching TV or something. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time. In bed, I rarely slept while snuggled up to her. 

But it could be that she wanted another "fix" of Oxytocin. Now, I'm always holding her hand and having her lean up against me with me arm around her if we're sitting down. In bed, I have my arm around her until we sleep. According to the literature, she's getting a shot of Oxytocin all the time now which in turn makes her feel more "in love". 

It all makes sense. This is probably the best way to turn things around. If you make a cup of tea or something, make her one too even if she didn't ask for it. Make a sandwich, make her one too again even if she didn't ask. She may not be hungry or whatever, but it shows you think about her. I don't have to go through the list. Almost all the married men here did the right things like I did in the beginning of the relationship. 

But rather than compile a list and follow it, I suspect that getting yourself to fall for your wife again will make you automatically do all those things anyway. All that stuff probably sets off that nice chemical in her.

Thanks for the post. It makes alot of sense.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

ShinyNewGuy said:


> Nope. Not at all. I never suggested any such thing. I don't even recommend it. Like I said in my thread, I mentioned it only to explain my possible surge of emotion in that regard. And even that is just speculation - it could have nothing to do with that at all.
> 
> What I am suggesting is that you get yourself in the mindset that you're "in love" with your wife. Not that you love her deeply because you've been together all this time .. but the kind of love that really is infatuation. The kind where you want to leave work a little early so so you can see her sooner. Let her know you're completely crazy about her and that you find her hotter than anything and that you just want to jump her right now.
> 
> ...


And herein lies the problem with many men, and is the reason that so many women say, "What happened to the guy I fell in love with?" We tend to say to ourselves unconsciously, "Ok...what is next?" and forget that the way we keep her is doing the things that won her in the first place. Many women are hardwired to respond to the wooing of a man. So guys, keep wooing her!! (And this is an huge reminder to myself too!!)


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

ShinyNewGuy,
I had to sign up on this forum just to tell you how right you are! Too bad it took so long to figure out  I've been married for almost 15 years and love and respect my husband to death but the problem is that I have been begging him to make me feel special, be affectionate, ect. since we were dating. Here I am almost 40, feeling my peak and totally frustrated- He has no passion for me! He asks me what he should do and I just can't tell him exactly- its got to be natural and come from him... like you said. 

The relationship I was in just before my husband, the guy was insanely passionate and told me I was beautiful and wanted me allll the time and made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. I was putty in his hands! The passion between us was intense because he made me feel like I was the most perfect girl in the world. I have been longing for that ever since... that was 17 years ago. 

People tell me I am beautiful quite often, I get hit on by attractive men at the gym and even at church for goodness sakes! But my husband does not truly desire me. He is athletic and likes sports so I don't think he has low testosterone.... definitely a low libido for me tho.

Can you imagine how much I am struggling with the temptation to talk to one of these guys who desire me and will tell me the things my heart so desperately wants to hear? 

ShinyGuy-- you need to write a book about this! 
Here is the title and it sums it all up-- "Romance your woman's ears and she will be anything you want her to be!" 

Sooooo true. Thanks ShinyGuy - Have fun!!!!


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

enjoying reading this thread to date, have to agree with most of it.

and i know in my failed marriage i was to blame i guess alot because i did what you did, stopped holding hands, telling her shes beatutfull and touching her all the time. i did try at the end however but all to late i think.

reflecting my best sex partners have been the ones i was reallly affectioante too. One other problem is i guess and this is going to sound a tad selfish. but the ex wife put on about 25k.g through poor diet and i must admit i was still attracted but less so physically than i was years earlier and may be one reason the non sexual/sexual touch went.

so what do you say if your partner is getting a little fat?
husband cant win, you dont say anything then a few months later another 5k.g goes on, and if you do. it doesnt go down well and your in the bad books?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

ShinyNewGuy said:


> I'm by far no relationship expert. I don't even know if this scenario would even work with another person and his wife.


It won't. Most sexless marriages are the result of a lack of physical attraction, a preference for porn and masturbation, interpersonal difficulties, sexual boredom and sexual dysfunctions. In the vast majority of cases once a marriage has been sexless for 6 months to a year sex never restarts and the couple either stays together in a sexless marriage for the kids or financial reasons or they divorce.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

brendan said:


> enjoying reading this thread to date, have to agree with most of it.
> 
> and i know in my failed marriage i was to blame i guess alot because i did what you did, stopped holding hands, telling her shes beatutfull and touching her all the time. i did try at the end however but all to late i think.
> 
> ...


A man who finds his wife very sexy, inspires her to look good. 
I know if my OH finds me very attractive it makes me want to be even more attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

*Time to rethink*

I think I may have spoken too soon. I apologize. So here it's been about 5 or 6 weeks of this newfound marital bliss. But while my passion is still going strong, my wife has been cooling off. 

She tries to be a good sport, but lately the sex has dropped off to previous levels. And I suspect that the sex we do have now is due to more of sense of obligation that desire. Also she's less generous with the texting. She doesn't reach for my hand anymore as we walk.

I think I may have inadvertently done 2 things: I burned her out while trying to get her to sustain the feelings I have. And I've given her an overblown sense of security in the relationship. In short, she's getting bored and complacent.

I guess I have accept that this may be a great short term solution. But it's probably doomed to be along term failure. So starting today, I'm going back to being the old me. The passionate, infatuated lover is gone.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Any information that has worked for others is good information.
The mystery lies with the fact that before marriage, a guy can't really get a handle on what their prospective SO may actually be like until the ring is firmly imbedded in his nose.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Don't go back to the you before, just find something in the middle. It can not be pure bliss all the time. 

Giving up and returning to the place where you did not like to be. is GOING to make it a long term failure. It was a good swing you had and you should let things cool, like a break, for a bit then come right back at her.


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> Don't go back to the you before, just find something in the middle. It can not be pure bliss all the time.
> 
> Giving up and returning to the place where you did not like to be. is GOING to make it a long term failure. It was a good swing you had and you should let things cool, like a break, for a bit then come right back at her.


That's the plan. I'm definitely letting things cool. After that, we'll see.


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## ShinyNewGuy (Aug 15, 2012)

Ok, we're back on track. I let things cool for about a week or so, and she got into HD mode. I responed back of course, and things have been intense again for a few days now.

I'm thinking I need to learn how to keep the tension there by not pulling to close for too long and not being cool for too long. The timing is somehting I still need to figure out though.


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