# BS who divorced, how long before dated again?



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

OK, so I am in the middle of divorcing my lying cheat of a husband, and have been separated since April (he left moved in with someone else) and I found out the truth in mid June.
He is an abuser, and a narcissist and has been devaluing me for at least 2 years, so really not been married in a good way for a while.
I've got over my self esteem issues, and am in therapy helping me deal with his abuse and betrayal. I just got talking to a guy in our building who has just split with his gf, and he seems like he could be interested in me. Now I can't stop thinking about him. He is a nice guy (I'm clearly not a great judge due to 12 years with a narcissist but he does seem really nice and his ex gf was lovely, too)
Am I deluding myself? Is it too early to think about another guy? Am I just being hysterical and trying to convince myself I am still attractive?
Yikes, I haven't thought about another man in ages, and now I'm separated/divorcing I can, but is it too soon? Thanks for advice!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> OK, so I am in the middle of divorcing my lying cheat of a husband, and have been separated since April (he left moved in with someone else) and I found out the truth in mid June.
> He is an abuser, and a narcissist and has been devaluing me for at least 2 years, so really not been married in a good way for a while.
> I've got over my self esteem issues, and am in therapy helping me deal with his abuse and betrayal. I just got talking to a guy in our building who has just split with his gf, and he seems like he could be interested in me. Now I can't stop thinking about him. He is a nice guy (I'm clearly not a great judge due to 12 years with a narcissist but he does seem really nice and his ex gf was lovely, too)
> Am I deluding myself? Is it too early to think about another guy? Am I just being hysterical and trying to convince myself I am still attractive?
> Yikes, I haven't thought about another man in ages, and now I'm separated/divorcing I can, but is it too soon? Thanks for advice!


No stress. No "relationship". Just Dinner. What do you think? 

I hear ya. I'm in the same boat here, thinking about dating in a general sense (nothing or nobody specifically) and I recognize that I am not ready for a relationship. That being said, it would be nice to "date" (dinner, day trips etc) for the companionship. In my situation, I'm sort of waiting to be awarded alimony and I don't want to create any situation that he could potentially bring up in court.

You know you are allowed to take things slow and not commit to anything more than a friendship, should you choose to do so. That being said, have fun with your new life. If you are ready to step out, then do it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I was young and hurting from my first marriage, started dating after only a year and ended up marrying the rebound girl. This marriage ever goes south, then it will be a while before I even think of dating again...if ever.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

it's so difficult, i know i'm still hurting but think i should not let an opportunity pass, even if it's just getting back in the saddle. i will see how it goes when i see him next. i have seen him aroiund, and he specifically came to talk, so i donb't know what the score is. feel i deserve something after such a long dry patch with my stbxh, and was faithful for 12 years (unlike him). sounds gross but maybe i just need to get some!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I started seeing my new GF while separated from my ex-wife, before the divorce was final. Dinner dates and non-romantic outings, only. I think that it depends on the individual, and when they feel comfortable dating.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> it's so difficult, i know i'm still hurting but think i should not let an opportunity pass, even if it's just getting back in the saddle. i will see how it goes when i see him next. i have seen him aroiund, and he specifically came to talk, so i donb't know what the score is. feel i deserve something after such a long dry patch with my stbxh, and was faithful for 12 years (unlike him). sounds gross but maybe i just need to get some!


I'm not trying to be a prude here, but in today's world of singlehood, does dating always = sex? Can a male and a female simply have dinner? Spark a friendship? Take things slow? See where things go? Isn't there a period of getting to know each other first before hoping into bed, or am I seriously out of the loop?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

No you aren't a prude and I'm really not like that, I've just gone all flustered and giddy. My husband showed me no love and attention for years, even when I tried to kiss him and stuff, he shoved me away (Narc's punish their spouses through stopping sex and they hate intimacy of any kind) so a handsome man shows me attention and I turn into a teenager. You are right, I'm being a fool and should slow it down.....I'm very vulnerable and that's why I asked the question, because I can see myself acting out of character because I'm still in the healing from abuse stage. Thanks for the slap in the face/reality check!


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

For me it was fourteen months. Somehow I didn't feel comfortable telling a prospective date that I was living in the back seat of a fifteen year old care which was one of the few possessions that the guy with the 19 IQ wearing the robes let me takeout of the marriage.
(he felt that my cheater would need more since she had to provide for one of the two children she had had with other guys who still hadn't finished her education which I was providing the funds)
Once I got back on my feet, I started lightly socializing and wasn't really good at it since I hadn't been out and about for over twenty years.
(probably still somewhat clumsy a year later)


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow Hookares so sorry that arse did that. Was there no lawyer involved? Surely you should have got half of everything and spousal support? Glad to hear you are out and about and getting on with life....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> No you aren't a prude and I'm really not like that, I've just gone all flustered and giddy. My husband showed me no love and attention for years, even when I tried to kiss him and stuff, he shoved me away (Narc's punish their spouses through stopping sex and they hate intimacy of any kind) so a handsome man shows me attention and I turn into a teenager. You are right, I'm being a fool and should slow it down.....I'm very vulnerable and that's why I asked the question, because I can see myself acting out of character because I'm still in the healing from abuse stage. Thanks for the slap in the face/reality check!


So we are on the same page. 

Yes, I too married a narcissist who cheated. And yes, if George Clooney flirted with me, I'd be thinking about intimacy since I may be hurting, but I ain't dead. 

Just take it slow, have fun, and if he's a cutie *AND *a nice guy, things could get interesting for you. In the meantime, enjoy the attention. I know I would.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Wow Hookares so sorry that arse did that. Was there no lawyer involved? Surely you should have got half of everything and spousal support? Glad to hear you are out and about and getting on with life....


She got the house and new car that was paid for, I got the older car that was in good shape for a fifteen year older. I also got most of my clothes and none of my tools.
Lastly, I got ALL of my pension along with investments I had made before meeting her. I promptly retired and moved about five hours away where I'm pretty sure nobody knew me. I did this because I kept reading the smiles on the guy's faces the wrong way where we had lived for twenty years.
She has managed to track me down three times in the last year wanting to "try again", (the pension?).
It will NEVER happen.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Good I'm glad. She wanted to try again, I love that. Just forget about all I did and let's start again!
Don't think mine will, but I'd love him to try so I could kick him to the curb, I had a dream yesterday a monkey at the zoo threw poop in his face, he then fell into a lake and got mauled by a hippo and I woke up with the biggest smile on my face.

Survivorwife, yes he is very cute! Here I go again......


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Bentley'sMom:
"Good I'm glad. She wanted to try again, I love that."
She didn't last a year in the house before one of her studs talked her into taking out a 2nd mortgage and they lost the house because of lack of payments. She had already started cheating on that guy and his replacement drove off in the car since he had talked her into putting his name on the title because she no longer had a driver's license.
Things aren't going well for her but she may be able to move in with her daughter. Her son wants nothing to do with either of us. (me for stupidity, her for just being who she is)


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Alright alright ALRIGHT here's your chance. Start having as much sex as you possibly can. This is so therapeutic for a divorce. I know, I've been there. I had so much fun. Once you file, it's done. You're separated and ready to play.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

For me, ASAP. As soon as she was out I was on online dating sites mainly for the ego boost. I didn't take it seriously and knew any relationship I would get into would be a rebound so I didn’t invest in any. I just had fun going out to coffee/lunch with different people (usually just one date) and didn’t even think about sex.

If it happened today I wouldn’t date for a while because I just don’t care anymore, it’s a bit of a headache (I say that now lol).

My FWW did NOT like that at all, especially since I didn’t keep it a secret (she was with an OM). Funny how they don’t want you but they don’t want you hooking up with anyone else either.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

The difference for me was the woman I met. She was so totally hot and so kind and loving, thatrI fell for her even before the ink dried on the decree. We both had suffered from infidelity, and strange as it may sound, that proved to be a great "ice-breaker". We both wish we had met each other years ago.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

About a year. In general, I rarely approach women so most of the ones I dated have approached me. I'm reluctant to take it further because I simply have no time for a relationship. If works settles down and I don't go flying around the world every 2 weeks, there's this shy Brunette I really like.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Divorced. Can't see myself ever dating again.

No interest whatsoever.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

i actually was approached while seperated, by someone who knew me and my situation. We started dating at time of divorce (which was not long, I got divorced in 82 days from filing and final) she (gf) had been a victim of infidelity as was I. What I did was ask my counselor what she thought, she told me "Hoosier, you have not been married for some time in your mind, I dont think it would be so bad." Then she followed that up to tell me what to watch out for so I would not get stuck in a rebound relationship. Her most valuable advice was to for me to tell my her (gf) exactly where I was in my thinking....alot. Which I did. 
I eventually stopped seeing her because I liked her a lot, but that was all, I did not see us being a couple long term. To this day we are still friends, and I think it is because I was open to where I was, she was not blindsided. As for sex,,,,,WOW! in that regard we were very compatiable, and I found out that the questions I had about my ability to perform and please were all answered...NOT ME! 
Short answer for me is, I think everyone is different, some are ready right away some are not. Some should soon, some should not. Ask someone you trust. And watch out for the REBOUND.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone, it does boil down to who you meet and if you are ready.
My therapist wants me to date as in talk to men, maybe have a meal, nothing major. I like this guy to look at and he seems really sweet, so may see if he's up for a beer, I assume a woman can ask that?!. Wow, been out of the scene for so long, feel quite pathetic!
If I can get over my shyness and blushing when he's around I'll see what theb score is. My single friends are advising me on things, as I'm clearly clueless!

Oh and look better than I have done in years, slim, not shuffling around defeated under the stbxh's shadow. Plus I have an English accent, American guys seem to like that. I think it's the whole Kelly Le Brock Weird Science thing. 'What do you little maniacs want to do first?"


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