# Social Media & Co-Workers



## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I started reading some posts on this site and instead of looking for a similar situation as mine decided to just post. Thank you all for reading this.

To understand my current issue, you must understand my history. My wife has a history of emotional affairs; she confessed she had one when she was married to her ex-husbend when we met and several with me. The first was during a very rough patch in our relationship and while i found some very sexual text messages, she claims it was never physical. During this incident I found out she had a year prior (when our relationship was ok) had a brief flirting with a co-worker. We managed to patch up our relationship to the point where we got married and bought our first home together. I still remember how it felt when i finally forgave her and began trusting her again. The feeling of love was so strong. 

Anyways, that love set me up for a great fall. My work ipad was synced to our itunes account. A imessage was received from my neighbor (i thought was a friend) asking how she has been, and her responding with "sorry it has been so long, i have been busy". I never found any more evidence, she covered her tracks well. But after considering those few messages for a week while my insides were torn to pieces I knew that I was right. When I accused her of cheating on me with the neighbor my conviction was so strong she just confessed to an inappropriate sexting relationship. She tried to make it sound like it was a one time mistake that lead to him pursuing her and she didnt know how to make it stop. I wanted to believe her but in the months afterwards in my healing process of asking her questions she let it slip that the sexting was selfish of her and she should have been thinking of me and the kids. I take this as she enjoyed it, misses it, and only guilt for her kids made her stop. 

This was about a year ago. Finally I started to feel like I was forgiving here and moving on. I have had my doubts and some inklings over this last year but I passed it off as me just learning to trust again from being destroyed. Which brings me to where I need advice.

A few days ago I just had an overwhelming urge to look on her phone and read her Facebook. I am barely on facebook myself and she has always said she mostly likes to read what is on the community. I immediately notice that she posted a photo at a time of day that she should be running errands, picking up our child from daycare, or going to the gym. It is not a time of day that should normally would be posting selfies (this is rare, she has few posts). In addition to this facebook post, this is a night she was at the gym until 6:30pm, she gets off work at 3:30. But then I dig further. She has a bunch of work friends, male and female commenting how beautiful she looks with a bunch of likes. She never talks about work friends, only one. She makes it sound like she only every spoke with 1 co-worker. I find out that her friend list is private (I am not a friend despite my request) and she does not display a marital status. I also discover that one of her co-worker is a twenty something male. She has NEVER mentioned that since 2015 she has been working around him. I even found a casual message on messenger between him and her. It is innocent (personal to him) but it looks like beginning of the conversation was either deleted, or was started in person. I just cant get over never hearing about his existence. For the past month or so she has been really focused on going to the gym, I now wonder if it was for different reasons. 

I apologize for the rambling, I usually a better writer than this. I don't think i have it in me to do a full investigation and bide my time. I don't want to be the over jealous type and watch her every move, what is the point of a marriage if this is necessary? Even with such little evidence I feel so crushed and sick to my stomach. Am I blowing this way out of proportion? 

Should I just take her phone right in front of her and go through it?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Somebodyelse said:


> IShould I just take her phone right in front of her and go through it?


I think most here would say no, not until you know exactly what’s on it. Cold, hard evidence. However I would confront now. Your history gives you that right. How much evidence do you need?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Social Media &amp; Co-Workers*

Why would you take her phone from her? You know what is happening. 

This woman has had multiple affairs. I think it is abundantly clear she's incapable of fidelity.

I would bet a substantial sum of money that at least one of these has gone physical.

Look, man... the knee-jerk reaction in a situation like this is to try and force her to stop. But really, who wants to have to be their wife's jailer? I know I don't. I would just simply accept that I am not enough for her, and set her free.

Lastly, one of the major mistakes betrayed spouses make is to somehow find irrefutable, beyond-a-reasonable- doubt proof. You know enough. Don't make yourself crazy trying to find more.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I have just been through this, I will lay this out straight for ya, either you accept that she is easy and going to end up fluffing some random behind your back while you are busily worrying about where the future is heading.

In stead of having all this knowledge that she has been getting off on other guys chasing her and doing nothing about it, why don't you make a solid choice to either accept it and live with it, or end it and make a new life for yourself without the baggage of a wife who can't be content with her husband.

Look at my back story in my posts, my thread will tell you where I was and where I am now.

You should read it and get some ideas, she is not a faithful wife, your marriage is over, whether you like it or not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just so you know, an EA with a co-worker is almost always physical.


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## hylton7 (Jan 24, 2017)

no such thing as privacy in a marriage


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Well do you guys think that evidence could have any ground? I mean that is no smoking gun. I'm just tore up because she always makes it sound like she doesn't like her job nut won't quit. Then I find she friends him and DMs him at least once while I don't even know he exists. Is her history enough to justify me being very upset?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just divorce already man.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You've done nothing in the past so you get to live with the path you chose.

This is your future too. Unless you change yourself you'll just get more of the same.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Just an update like some of you posted; she denied everything. Instead of friending me on Facebook she deleted it and accused me of being controlling. Is it really that much to expect your wife to friend you and changer relationship status? I want to believe her but her actions are terrible.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Forget for a moment what she says. What do her actions tell you?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Somebodyelse said:


> Just an update like some of you posted; she denied everything. Instead of friending me on Facebook she deleted it and accused me of being controlling. Is it really that much to expect your wife to friend you and changer relationship status? I want to believe her but her actions are terrible.


 Let the gaslighting begin. Accusing you of being controlling is her only out when you have caught her crossing boundaries she shouldn't have. This is script, your whole story is repeated hundreds of times in these forums and the end result is almost always the same. Those betrayed spouses (BS)who act with conviction have a chance, those who second guess and give chance after chance suffer over and over again. 
See a lawyer, find out where you stand legally. Unless you live in a state that accounts for adultery in divorce (their aren't many), you already have enough proof to know she is doing you wrong. You don't need to convince anyone. The faster and harder you come down on her the better the odds of snapping her out of her selfishness (a.k.a. The Fog). Then you can decide if you want to try to reconcile with a serial cheater or move on and start a new happier trusting relationship with someone else. Best of luck my friend.

ETA: You do realize that deleting her facebook account is tantamount to destroying the evidence so you won't find it right? That wasn't for you, that was for her, and she will likely create a new account and block you so you never know.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeah, because going nuclear and deleting her account means that you can't read a thing she's posted. But she can gaslight you and call it controlling her. 

Not friending your husband on FB? Big, red flag.

Let her go. She's not yours anyway, you just occasionally get a turn.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

I won't be committing to a woman who uses Facebook or any other means of social media again. Ever. Not my kind of person.

Your wife is full of ****, OP. Why would you put yourself through this time and time again? Just why?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife is cheating on you continuously and you are putting up with it.Either accept life as a cuckold or do something about it.Judging by your replies I can guess what you will do. Do you believe every piece of crap she tells you?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Your wife is addicted to attention from men. It's an illness that will not go away on its own. Even with therapy it might never go away, and it doesn't sound like she even at the point where recognizes she has a problem.

Divorce her now and save yourself years of misery. Find a woman who is secure in herself and looking for a monagamous relationship. There are plenty.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Just so you know, an EA with a co-worker is almost always physical.


Same goes for neighbors, BTW.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

When someone plays the "controlling" card it means they have nothing else in their hand.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

If you want to know, do the 180 hard immediately. File for divorce, have her served at work. List the reason as adultery and list the names of all said EA partners. Only talk about kids, all other contact go through your lawyer only. Set up a polygraph test, have your lawyer write a letter and delivered via messenger to her at work. Letter states she has twenty four hours to take the polygraph. Failure of polygraph is immediate grounds for separation and divorce. Protect yourself, separate finances, and go dark.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Social Media &amp; Co-Workers*



farsidejunky said:


> Why would you take her phone from her? You know what is happening.
> 
> This woman has had multiple affairs. I think it is abundantly clear she's incapable of fidelity.
> 
> ...


Pretty much sums up what I think.

I was going to post about the work environment and my experiences but after reading the OP, this wife has serious problems that need professional help.

There are regular everyday infidelity dangers but this wife is messed up!


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

I have a question for you.

Do you want to try and save this marriage?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Somebodyelse said:


> Just an update like some of you posted; she denied everything. Instead of friending me on Facebook she deleted it and accused me of being controlling. Is it really that much to expect your wife to friend you and changer relationship status? I want to believe her but her actions are terrible.


of course she denied everything. Cheaters almost always deny everything when the BS gets suspicious.

She deleted Facebook because she did not have a chance to sanitize it. If she gave you access, you could have seen what she was messaging. Easier to delete it. Be sure that she has either another Facebook account or has other methods of communication.

Back off for now. Don't bring it up. Follow her to the gym for a couple of weeks or have a friend do it. I think something is going on there that you will not like.

Does she drive to work? If so, get a VAR under her seat. She is flirting or making plans to meet while she is in the car alone.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Somebodyelse said:


> Well do you guys think that evidence could have any ground? I mean that is no smoking gun. I'm just tore up because she always makes it sound like she doesn't like her job nut won't quit. Then I find she friends him and DMs him at least once while I don't even know he exists. Is her history enough to justify me being very upset?


The problem you have is a wife that wants her social life completely separate from her marriage. 

She won't friend you because she knows she wouldn't get the male attention she is getting now. 

She is a cheater in more ways then one. I would suggest this. 

See a lawyer and draw up divorce papers. 

Get everything in line to separate, banking and such. 

Then take her to the park or somewhere and hand her the outline of divorce. Let her know that her cheating has brought this on and that you no longer trust her. Tell her she has one chance to be completely honest. Listen to what she says then stand up and walk away. If you believe what she has said or not. Tell her she needs to move out so you have time to think. Then decided if this is a person you want to spend the rest of your life with.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I do but I just get the impression I'm wasting my time. After more arguing she continued to deny everything and then say she didn't want her phone anymore or go to the gym. Not sure what to think of all that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

People like your wife make crappy partners. Let me ask you a question, if you were not physically attracted to her would you put of with this? Say she was a business partner that was constantly making financial deals behind your back that hurt you bottom line and left you in dept would you stay in a partnership with that person? Why are you willing to stay with someone who is leaving you in emotional dept? She is dishonest at the very least. Look it's in her nature. It's who she is. 

She is not the only woman in the world, there is a great big world with wonderful. 

Do yourself a favor and get some counseling to figure out why you are wiling to suffer with someone who seems to have no respect for you. This is were you need to concentrate because if you fix this all the other stuff will come into place. Time to get strong man. Life is too short and your quality of life is suffering.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I think coinciding is good advice. I didn't mention it but we have 2 young boys together and it makes a divorce harder. I grew up in a divorce family so I know it's not the end of the world. I just need my head on straight before I commit to a divorce. I will look into a vAR


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do but I just get the impression I'm wasting my time. After more arguing she continued to deny everything and then say she didn't want her phone anymore or go to the gym. Not sure what to think of all that.


Because you stopped all her fun you nasty man!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Somebodyelse said:


> Just an update like some of you posted; she denied everything. Instead of friending me on Facebook she deleted it and accused me of being controlling. Is it really that much to expect your wife to friend you and changer relationship status? I want to believe her but her actions are terrible.


Career woman here, 59 years old, 37 years married (first time for both of us), neither spouses have cheated. My social media accounts are transparent. My husband has access & have the passwords to all of them. I gave him permission to open all my mails, emails, & other correspondences. I let him know at all times where I am for safety. Your wife who is hiding her social media accounts from you, is more than a red flag. When your wife (hiding her social media accounts & phone) calls you "Controlling", you have everything to worry here. That's the fastest way to shake off a spouse from knowing the dirty activities that they're engaged in. Your wife is a serial cheater. Sorry you are here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Somebody else,

you knew here history, and what transpired in her first marriage, those were red flags, clear and simple...and yet you married her, thinking it would be different with you and guess what it isn't now you catch her in the second year and she confesses, now in the face of evidence again this time she banishes you, deletes you from FB, turns the tables around can calls you controlling and you your second guessing yourself looking for advise here...we tell you that you have only scratched the surface, we tell you to file for divorce, but now you bring the kid card...well guess you now have to choices. 
1. suck up and deal with the fact she will continual cheat on you, don't look for evidence because it will only depress you, and look to enjoy the same if she is going to do it. maybe if you pursue someone else this will cause her to get jealous...in fact i might even be interesting to try to hide what your doing in front of her and when she tries to see what your looking at just tell her that if she can do it so can you....she may get the point or not
2. file and she her that you will not put up with this crap...but do not move out...sell the house first.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is a cheater.

You can have a wife that lives you and won't cheat. Your kids are an excuse so you don't have to feel like a loser in your own mind because you know you shouldn't stay. 
Don't do it.

While you still have some time, get rid of her. Yes, it's going through hurt. But you'll get over it (if you want to badly enough), and you can find a good, loyal woman. Your kids will see that Dad is a guy that believes and stands for loyalty and his own dignity.
They will be better off having a father who is stable and happy. 
Don't lay down and take this because it hurts so badly. Gnaw your hand off that's hanging on to her and set yourself free.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

How many times does she need to show you who she is before you believe her?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do but I just get the impression I'm wasting my time. After more arguing she continued to deny everything and then say she didn't want her phone anymore or go to the gym. Not sure what to think of all that.


So, her AP is someone from the gym. A trainer?


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I do not know of anybody she meets at gym. She just says I would scrutinize her time to much so so will quit the gym and just come straight home now. This is not something I ever mentioned other than the odd FB post she made.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do not know of anybody she meets at gym. She just says I would scrutinize her time to much so so will quit the gym and just come straight home now. This is not something I ever mentioned other than the odd FB post she made.


Classic deflection onto you. You're the "bad guy". She wants you to feel guilty that you're so "controlling" so she'll tell you she'll just come home so you tell her that's not what you want. Also, takes the focus of of the real conversation - you know, that she's cheating on you.

Let me guess, she got immediately angry, right? 

If people don't have anything to hide, they tend to remain calm and try to help you see that it's just a mistake and will do anything to prove that. People who are lying will become defensive and angry.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Malaise said:


> When someone plays the "controlling" card it means they have nothing else in their hand.


In this situation, "you're controlling" is womanese for "You're fettering me from f-ing around with other guys". Our man, Somebodyelse, has two people lying to him; his wife and himself.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Malaise said:


> So, her AP is someone from the gym. A trainer?


Correction

She's playing the "martyr" card.


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## Peter/ (Aug 27, 2017)

Depending on where you want this to go, you have to first know the truth about the situation you are in.

First you need to install webwatcher on her phone, laptop & PC, yes it will cost you a few bucks for it, but this is the only way you will know for sure what exactly you have stumbled on.

At the moment you are in the dark and have to trust her word, something that is not exactly reliable, is it!

Advice at this point is to get the software installed and shut your mouth about anything to do with the internet, leave her alone and let her do her thing, if anything you want to be super sweet and let her get back to normal, her deleting facebook acc was telling, she was wiping away any evidence, this is where the webwatcher will come into it's own, my sister has it on my nieces phone and laptop so she can keep an eye on her internet activity as there was an incident with another girl meeting older boys for sex and she didn't want her daughter to start getting in to that sort of trouble at her age. It will tell you everything about her social media usage and logs texts, calls, messenger apps and more, if there is a lot more hidden away from you now, the software will bring it up to the surface and there will be logs of her activity to back things up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ah, the “controlling” card.

It’s an oldie, but a goodie.



GusPolinski said:


> There are plenty of women that like to play the "controlling" card; sometimes it's warranted, but, often enough, it's not. And here's the deal -- it's a faux feminist male shaming tactic aimed at making you feel like knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.
> 
> Oh, and it has the added benefit of shutting down whatever discussion was going on when the card was pulled out of the deck.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Just so you know, an EA with a co-worker is almost always physical.





GusPolinski said:


> Same goes for neighbors, BTW.





Malaise said:


> So, her AP is someone from the gym. A trainer?


Applies to gym bros too.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do not know of anybody she meets at gym. She just says I would scrutinize her time to much so so will quit the gym and just come straight home now. This is not something I ever mentioned other than the odd FB post she made.




My sarcastic side says to say this to your wife. No please, don't come straight home, that means I have to spend more time with you!!!! Please no, please reconsider, go to the gym!!!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do but I just get the impression I'm wasting my time. After more arguing she continued to deny everything and then say* she didn't want her phone anymore or go to the gym.* Not sure what to think of all that.


 What is she ,12?
" I'll show him I'll give up my phone and quit the gym, that will teach him ."

And Yeah, she's doing a gym rat. How original. She was hoping you'd feel bad enough you'd tell her to keep going to the gym, then she can rub it in your face and call you controlling if you ever suspect anything. Afterall, "YOU told me to keep going to the gym" followed by " it just happened I didn't plan it".


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> What is she ,12?
> " I'll show him I'll give up my phone and quit the gym, that will teach him ."
> 
> And Yeah, she's doing a gym rat. How original. She was hoping you'd feel bad enough you'd tell her to keep going to the gym, then she can rub it in your face and call you controlling if you ever suspect anything. Afterall, "YOU told me to keep going to the gym" followed by " it just happened I didn't plan it".


She's probably got another phone anyway.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes, she did accidentally admit that most of her affair activity occurs at the gym. She's hoping you'll feel guilty and allow her to keep going. Have an attorney set her free for good.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

When you have / had access to her FB account - you should have done a data-dump of everything and downloaded to your computer. Very easy for her to setup another FB account.

She is lying and cheating on you. She did it before you, she did it while you were dating.

If she had nothing to hide, then why is she hiding things from you?

Co-workers can bang at work, during lunch break, in a garage. 5 minutes of naughty sex is *HOT* to cheaters.

She'll never stop. Either accept it, and start meeting other women and have a "open marriage" which will eventually fail or dump her. File.

Start doing 180 (to clear your mind) - look it up here.
STOP talking to her about these things. PRETEND you don't care, until you don't.
Collect info on her, and prepare for divorce and battle.

Her saying "you are controlling" is typical cheater lingo. Been there. You are controlling her away from other men.

Get the SONY PX470 VAR - its $60~80 from Amazon or Bestbuy - depending on sale, etc:
https://www.bestbuy.com/site/sony-digital-voice-recorder/5774901.p?skuId=5774901
(turn off the BEEP, turn on the VOR mode)

When you have enough info to KNOW for sure she is cheating on you - keep your mouth shut. Go out. Walk a few miles. Plan on what you want to do.

Telling her "I know the truth!" etc will give away you have a recording device. 

Come back here and tell us what you want to do. Save your marriage or break it up.

Sorry, but it is far more likely that she will NEVER stop what she is doing. She will divorce you to get what she wants.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

The VAR is a good idea. She knows that I can check her call log from the past. But i could at least know if she facetimrs, skypes, or has other guys in her car.

Thing with gym is that most of the time she has our youngest dropped off at the gyms care center so she can't leave. Where would she even hook up at the gym? I may be a bit naive, I have been honest and with 1 women for 10 years.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Somebodyelse said:


> I do not know of anybody she meets at gym. She just says I would scrutinize her time to much so so will quit the gym and just come straight home now. This is not something I ever mentioned other than the odd FB post she made.


Assuming she continues to go to the Gym, which I think she will, why don’t you just show up and see for your self what going on? Just show up about 1/3 into her “work out time”, and if possible, not try not to get noticed. However, if you are noticed, it’s no big deal. If anything is going on you’ll find out. There is nothing wrong with just showing up there.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Somebodyelse said:


> The VAR is a good idea. She knows that I can check her call log from the past. But i could at least know if she facetimrs, skypes, or has other guys in her car.
> 
> Thing with gym is that most of the time she has our youngest dropped off at the gyms care center so she can't leave. Where would she even hook up at the gym? I may be a bit naive, I have been honest and with 1 women for 10 years.


In the dark parking lot behind the gym on the back row. In an unused room if the partner is a gym employee. 

She knows that they don't expect her to leave. But the kid-care does not keep her in sight. She could go anywhere and be back to pick up the kid on time.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My old gym had family locker rooms you could rent for $5. It was passcode protected and locked. But once you paid your $5, you got access for 2 hours. In it was a long bench, a shower, a couple seats, lockers, etc. My gym mainly had it because it was the local ymca and it had a pool and people brought their kids. But I've belonged to other gyms that had private locker rooms too.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Thank you, I will get this.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I looked Webwatcher up. What if she activated 2 factor authorization on her account? Also it does not mention FaceTime or Facebook messenger. Is this the best that Is out There? I could care less about price at this point. 

Also where do cheaters hide things like burner phones or other evidence. She noticed that I turned her closet upside down. I guess I wasn't careful enough.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You're married to a narcissist, they rarely if ever change. I agree with the posters telling you to divorce. You will never have the marriage you desire with your wife. (a faithful one) And to live your life always following her around to make sure she's being faithful, really isn't coming naturally from her. I always wonder why people do that, because forced fidelity really isn't saying much. Sorry this has been going on in your relationship.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

The fact is I love her and my children's way of life will be affected. I need to be 100% sure about the cheating before I make a decision like this. If I'm honest it is because I also don't want it to be true and want to prove my gut wrong. Fact is that my gut is likely right. Nobody can lie to you better than yourself. I just can't make such a big decision that affects the lives of my children and myself without proof. So I'm going to get it. I hope I'm wrong but between this post and other replies it it obvious this group k ows how these things go down. Topics I didn't bring up here are mirrored in other posts and the replies match my personal experiences. Thank you all for your continued support, reinforcing the truth is so important.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

In your opening post, you mentioned that she admitted to having several emotional affairs while being with you. What proof are you looking for? That it's still going on? 

I think the lies people tell themselves is that they can live and accept the serial cheater they're with...that they can offer enough love to get the cheater to stop. Her cheating has nothing to really do with you, especially if she is a repeat offender. 

Just my opinion, but I don't think that kids are better off staying in homes where their parents have a one-sided relationship of honesty and fidelity, they tend to grow up thinking that is what marriage looks like.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Trust is usually freely given but once that trust is broken it usually stays broken. If I were you I would get a email address from hotmail.com and use it to open a facebook account hunt around on face book and find a guy that is her type and capture his photo and use it on your new bogus facebook page. Wait a couple months and gather some friends " if you can get a couple of her girlfriends on your page then you will have mutuals" then send her a friend request and take it from there.
Good luck!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Somebodyelse said:


> The VAR is a good idea. She knows that I can check her call log from the past. But i could at least know if she facetimrs, skypes, or has other guys in her car.
> 
> Thing with gym is that most of the time she has our youngest dropped off at the gyms care center so she can't leave. Where would she even hook up at the gym? I may be a bit naive, I have been honest and with 1 women for 10 years.


She could be talking to guys with apps in the home too. So look at two VARs. Buy with cash - don't leave evidence of purchase where she can see it. Get the ones I suggested. Stick with SONY.


She could drop off the kids at someone else's place (Friend who knows she is cheating or baby-sitter for $20 - would spend $20 to get laid?) then pretend to go to the gym. I go to the gym too. I do go out to my car if I forget something. As long as your kid is potty trained - its rare they are going to call in. If its rather dark outside - after dropping kid off at gym - go out to car, do a quicky for 10~15 minutes. If there is a sauna and/or steam room or hot-tub (like mine) then they can WARM up for sex in there. None- the wiser. 

We are all naive when the ones we trust - stabs us in the heart.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I posted before I read what the others said - about leaving the gym... dark areas. 

In my gym - it has a 2hour max limit for the kids. A quickie can be 5 minutes. Lots of fun for 20~30 minutes in th car - especially if its a SUV or roomy mini-van.

Hence, put the VAR in the car - under a seat - where kids can't find it- It doesn't need to be in a seat. The SONY (and most vars) will pick up EVERYTHING in the car. So hide it in the back, etc. Velcro it - so it doesn't move. You should know something in a day to a week. Fresh batteries will last about 2~3 days. Depending on how much talking is going on.

Play with the VAR for an hour - before you actually use it. Like do test recordings in spots with your voice to make sure it picks up... Do the VAR VOR mode test... but talking, then shutting up for 10~15 seconds and talking again. The VAR will only record about 1-2 seconds of silence


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Well that would catch the gym thing for sure.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately you seem to be in a lot of denial. You offered up no consequences of whatsoever for her so called emotional affairs and that has bought you to the situation you are in today. The Facebook thing is a big issue of her not accepting your friend request. She is hiding someone from you or more importantly hiding you from someone else. Think of this logically. Your wife is meant to be your best friend. Why then does she not have you added to her friends list?

Invest in a VAR ASAP. Webwatcher is perfect. Bet the VAR catches something within 48hrs.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I would only say one thing then go dark and full investigative mode. Enlist a friend or work colleague whom you trust and who has not met your wife. Pay for a six month membership at your wife's gym for this person. This friends workout will consist of eye only movement. Wherever your wife goes his eyes go. Next have another trusted friend friend request your wife. Have them send you screen shots of every friend she has. From there you can cross off who is not having an affair with your wife, family. By this I mean blood relatives, brother and sister in laws stay on your radar. 

Once this is set up ask your wife this, if I am your husband, why can you not have me as a friend? I have many friends who are couples who have one Facebook account. There is only one reason you can't be her friend, she is cheating or still is friends with those she cheated with previously.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Thanks for all the support hear. I will 180 and get the VAR. I will also be making some subtle trips to the gym. Hope we are all wrong about this....but probably not.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Somebodyelse said:


> I need to be 100% sure about the cheating before I make a decision like this.


That's reasonable OP. 

But unfortunately you confronted her too soon, she's alerted, and finding a smoking gun will now be more difficult. However, if you're smart, patient, and use the recommended techniques, you'll eventually catch her; because there's little doubt that's she's physically cheating, has done so in the past and will not stop cheating.

I've used Webwatcher cellphone spyware; it's one of the most recommended. They also have a key logger you can use on her computer. Besides a VAR in her car you should consider a putting a GPS tracker there too (Webwatcher has GPS tracking on their cell spyware but it's not very accurate). Keep track of her cell phone usage every few days by checking your on-line account. And keep your pie hole shut during this process. Don't confront again until you have solid evidence. I would hold off on the 180 for now. Make her think everything is hunky dory. 

If you do all this; it's not if you will catch her, it's when.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I agree, it was too soon. But I am in full 180 mode now. VAR will be picked up today and I am researching GPS. Webwatcher does not catch FB messenger, Instagram or facetime for iOS. I am trying to look for a 1 size fits all, but I may have to accept what I can get.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Somebodyelse said:


> I started reading some posts on this site and instead of looking for a similar situation as mine decided to just post. Thank you all for reading this.
> 
> To understand my current issue, you must understand my history. My wife has a history of emotional affairs; she confessed she had one when she was married to her ex-husbend when we met and several with me. The first was during a very rough patch in our relationship and while i found some very sexual text messages, she claims it was never physical. During this incident I found out she had a year prior (when our relationship was ok) had a brief flirting with a co-worker. We managed to patch up our relationship to the point where we got married and bought our first home together. I still remember how it felt when i finally forgave her and began trusting her again. The feeling of love was so strong.
> 
> ...


Don't take her phone from her, it will only cause drama. If you have access to her phone without her knowing, install a spy app on it. You can monitor what she's sending and receiving without her knowing anything about it from your phone or computer. Monitor what's really going on and go from there. I had a similar situation with my wife, I caught her messaging other men twice. Through out the whole drawn out process of my investigation all I found out was that she was a flirt and nothing had ever become physical. I made the mistake of confronting her too soon and it caused more problems then it was really worth. It's been a long hard road but we are finally on a better path now and things are much better than they were


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

What app did you use? If I am careful I will have access to her phone eventually.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Somebodyelse said:


> The fact is I love her and my children's way of life will be affected. I need to be 100% sure about the cheating before I make a decision like this. If I'm honest it is because I also don't want it to be true and want to prove my gut wrong. Fact is that my gut is likely right. Nobody can lie to you better than yourself. I just can't make such a big decision that affects the lives of my children and myself without proof. So I'm going to get it. I hope I'm wrong but between this post and other replies it it obvious this group k ows how these things go down. Topics I didn't bring up here are mirrored in other posts and the replies match my personal experiences. Thank you all for your continued support, reinforcing the truth is so important.


I understand why you're can't think of anything else besides finding out what your wife is doing. However, you likely can see that your wife is not really "into you" and there must have been a noticeable lack of closeness between the two of you for a long time. Keeps you out of her FB account? That's not acceptable. For your sake, I hope you are strong enough to leave whether or not you find irrefutable evidence that she is cheating.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Keep YOUR mouth shut. 
Remember that every time you find something new and want to confront her... tell her what she is doing is WRONG (She already knows this).

Go for a walk for 30 minutes to cool off. Post here to vent.

What you decide to do - will direct what kind of advice given. She could just be flirting (we all do - to a degree), she could be having an affair with 1 guy or 5 for all you know.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Both the VAR last night but no opportunity to install yet. Been looking at Webwatcher and mspy but both don't do anything for Facebook which is her deal. I can already look at the call long on my statement each month and she knows to not use her cell for that. I am thinking the VAR might be enough. If I were I would just lock up my cell in the gym locker and leave it there so GPS tracking wouldn't work. Ugh this sucks but I have kept my mouth shut and have resisted the urge to did through her Facebook. I figure if she had any apps like tinder or sub friend groups to hide likes I might be able to find them, but there is also a good chance that if she is offering to let me dig that she caught and removed them all. So I'm focused on the 180 to get her to let her guard down. Hoping she just likes attention....but yeah I'm still at it for a reason.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Somebodyelse said:


> Both the VAR last night but no opportunity to install yet. Been looking at Webwatcher and mspy but both don't do anything for Facebook which is her deal. I can already look at the call long on my statement each month and she knows to not use her cell for that. I am thinking the VAR might be enough. If I were I would just lock up my cell in the gym locker and leave it there so GPS tracking wouldn't work. Ugh this sucks but I have kept my mouth shut and have resisted the urge to did through her Facebook. I figure if she had any apps like tinder or sub friend groups to hide likes I might be able to find them, but there is also a good chance that if she is offering to let me dig that she caught and removed them all. So *I'm focused on the 180 to get her to let her guard down.* Hoping she just likes attention....but yeah I'm still at it for a reason.


Unless the 180 is how you normally operate (in which case it's really not a 180) it's not going to get her guard down, it's going to raise her tension. Acting naturally is what will get her guard down.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Post 15 more times so you can move this thread private. You don't want her finding this.

Do not use a shared family computer, delete your history.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Thank you. I will do that. Installed the VAR today.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Did you get the SONY models? Did you disable the recording light and beeping? test record the units at various locations?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry to hear about the plight of your wife's covert infidelity becoming the order of the day!

Her gaslighting and trickle-truthing is absolutely amazing!

You know what's happened! Time to get with a good family attorney and have them advise you of all of your legal rights!

Hopefully right before filing for you!*


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Got the sony, light and beep disables. I used industrial Velcro to fasten it to the CAR. Still paranoid it will fall off in a sharp turn even though industrial Velcro is amazing. 

This might be a long road for me. Despite her denials she has been acting remorseful. Full anger when confronted, quit social media, quit gym. Now there is more sex and acting more caring. Fact is i did come close to catching her and she feels guilty and I'm afraid she will stop for awhile.

I may have to just let it go for a hike to put her at ease. 

I am still frustrating all of the programs like Webwatcher don't capture Facebook and messenger. I'm looking into Dr.fone, used a similar program to catch her last time. I could at least get and photos she took and deleted. 

Anyways wish me luck, I just want peace.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Somebodyelse said:


> Got the sony, light and beep disables. I used industrial Velcro to fasten it to the CAR. Still paranoid it will fall off in a sharp turn even though industrial Velcro is amazing.
> 
> This might be a long road for me. Despite her denials she has been acting remorseful. Full anger when confronted, quit social media, quit gym. Now there is more sex and acting more caring. Fact is i did come close to catching her and she feels guilty and I'm afraid she will stop for awhile.
> 
> ...


Why?

Why all this drama.

You know what she's doing.

Your gut is telling you what she's doing.

Your brain has told you what she's doing.

You know there is several EA's

You know the work place EA is also a PA

Your heart is holding on hoping she's not doing what you know she doing.

Why stay?
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
2) Doctor - get STD/STI test
3) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
4) Eat.
5) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
6) drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
7) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
8) Start to separate funds
9) 180 like your life depended on it.
10) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
11) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Wow, what a post. So I have the recorder in the CAR for 2 days...not sure if I will find anythimg. I used dr.fone on her iPhone backup that was made yesterday. Nothing, it didn't show any significant deleted photos or messages. However it did say in the preview there were 300+ app messages but no preview. 

If anyone has used this software I would love to hear feedback.

I will stay with it but not finding anything on her phone makes me thing there might be nothing more than facebook....

I will review the recording tommorow.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Also I was looking through her phone. She knows I do it (She deleted Facebook and instagram) and I noticed a "xxx xxx is you yahoo accouby key". Is that a legit yahoo pass reset? I didn't know she had a yahoo.....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Somebodyelse said:


> Also I was looking through her phone. She knows I do it (She deleted Facebook and instagram) and I noticed a "xxx xxx is you yahoo accouby key". Is that a legit yahoo pass reset? I didn't know she had a yahoo.....


Looks like she reset the password to her hidden account.

...which she’ll use to create new FB and IG accounts.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

I take it back I did know about it but thought she quit using it a long long time ago.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

One thing you can do to see what mail apps she is using is get a free account at opendns.org and then put the opendns ip addresses into your router / modem.

Then you can login from anywhere and see all the domains being requested by your router for what computers / phones / devices are on connecting through it. You don't see actual websites visited, but you see the domains everyone uses. If you see mail.yahoo.com, you know it is being used.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't know man seems like you married a women that is really only good to have fun with. Multiple EA. Seems like a lot of work, if it was my I would cut my losses.


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## Somebodyelse (Sep 22, 2017)

Well I have access of her Facebook, yahoo and Instagram on my phone. Nothing incriminating except an old 2015 message exchange where he mentioned he was single and gave her his #. I'll check my Verizon history for txt. This looks like an old account I am reading on FB. The yahoo reset was to handle an old hsa. I look through the whole mailbox. Does not look used. 

But we were married in 2015.....so I don't trust her. I won't quit. 

Does it make sense she has a female friend (older) that says hi I miss you? This is an older women. The txt messages I read of them are more like so.one asking a girl out on a date. Like, "hey, we never had that beer". My wife does not drink beer. 

I may seem I decisive, but I can tell you this. I know I'm being lied to and won't give up uuntil I find out. I'm a well played professional, mostly because of my persistence. I won't let go. It's a flaw and a strength. 

I'm not even in that anguish pain anymore. I'm just accepting the betrayal and logging it. I really need something sooner than 2015 though. I know some **** happens but I think past confrontations have taught her how to be more secret.

Still don't know if I can divorce her. I love her and the pain of divorce is insane logistic wise. I know she is dishonest. I don't trust her. But I am just looking for that f among evidence to make it easier for me.. 

Anyways this community has been awesome. Thank you so much. Your support has kept me on the path.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Somebodyelse said:


> I'm a well played professional, ...


 I'm not sure that's what you meant to type, but I think you nailed it. I think you've been being played for a while. Whether or not you find anything , your wife has crossed so many boundaries that there should be no doubt in your mind what your course of action should be. File!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Somebodyelse said:


> Still don't know if I can divorce her. *I love her and the pain of divorce is insane logistic wise*. I know she is dishonest. I don't trust her. But I am just looking for that f among evidence to make it easier for me..
> 
> .


So being married to a cheater has no soul crushing pain?

Being lied to does no damage?

Being disrespected causes no issues?

Why is your pain(emotional, mental, physical) worth less to you than the overall pain caused by a divorce? While a divorce causes pain, at least that pain is finite and will eventually end.
A cheating spouse will keep hurting and causing pain indefinitely.


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