# sex 1-2 times a month



## andrewwolf (Nov 3, 2014)

Hello everyone,

New to the forum. Thought I'd ask for advice here. I'm 29 years old and married for 2 years and have a 1yr old daughter. We are to the point where we only have sex 1-2 times a month and it drives me crazy. She has no drive and never talks about anything sexual. I try and be romantic and that doesn't help (usually women's first advice). She also makes comments about how she's tired or doesn't feel well which doesn't make a man too excited to even make a move. 

When we do have sex, it's great and not to be graphic but I'm able to make her come to completion/squirt. 
I know it's tough having a baby but I'd be happy with even a couple quickies here and there. 

Ideally, I would like to be having sex 2-3 times a week but we are nowhere near that. Any advice? I know the simple advice is to talk to her which I plan to do soon.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'll just get the obligatory do more laundry, vacuum, and give her backrubs out there right now...


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

How much are you helping with the 1 year old? Taking care of a baby is exhausting. A women's sex drive naturally reduces when she has young children in response to exhaustion. Hormones are extremely important when it comes to sex drive. Her mind and body are exhausted. Her brain signals her body through hormonal levels that the last thing she needs is another baby. Remember, sex for a women can result in a baby, an enormous amount of energy has to be contributed if that is the result. Sex for you has no such consequences. This is normal and natural. It is biology. That being said, if you want her sex drive to return when your child is a bit older there are things you can do. My friends who have the best sex lives after they had kids are the ones who had the most hands on husbands when the kids were young. Make sure you are not abandoning her, this will build up resentment that will surely affect your sex life. Be involved in all aspects of child rearing, which includes getting up in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When you talk with her try very hard to make your words be more of concern for her as opposed to concern for your fading sex life.

Honey, contrary to the old wives tales, a woman's libido should slowly bounce back in the year post partum and yours hasn't. Do you feel like anything else has changed that has impacted your sex drive?

When you have this conversation, you must not allow her to suggest lack of sex is normal, cause it isn't; not allow her to think this is just about you getting your rocks off-that you're some kind of sex maniac. If she does, calmly insist this is not at all the case and suggest she google "importance of sex in marriage."

After this first talk, give her a month or two to process what's going on, to hopefully google and learn about the importance of sex and best case to come to you and be honest about what it is she is feeling and ways you can help her rediscover her sex drive.

If this doesn't happen, have the conversation again only this time tell her very plainly, you cannot be happy in a sexless/loveless marriage and you are eager to work with her to fix this but you will not sit around and do nothing crossing your fingers and hoping she throws you a none every now and then. Speak up often. Share with her your feelings of hurt and rejection but do not then pretend everything else is fine because this is important!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I'll just get the obligatory do more laundry, vacuum, and give her backrubs out there right now...


This might have helped with our first baby!


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## andrewwolf (Nov 3, 2014)

We do 50-50% of the care giving of the child. I would be bold enough to say that I often do more. I get up throughout the night the majority of the time. 

I also forgot to mention that she takes anti-depressants which I often hear can decrease sex drive. 

Reply to the second comment: I do a lot of back rubs haha


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

andrewwolf said:


> I also forgot to mention that she takes anti-depressants which I often hear can decrease sex drive.


here's your answer... why does she take them?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I would suggest she talk to her Dr about adding wellbutrin. It has a mild antidepressant effect. Combined with other SSRIs, it has a stronger effect. It has a side effect of increased drive. It may allow lowering the SSRI dose.

Is she on birth control pills? SSRI & BC combined are a libido killer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I would suggest she talk to her Dr about adding wellbutrin. It has a mild antidepressant effect. Combined with other SSRIs, it has a stronger effect. It has a side effect of increased drive. It may allow lowering the SSRI dose.
> 
> Is she on birth control pills? SSRI & BC combined are a libido killer.


:iagree: THIS!

Unless her depression is major (cries all the time, can't cope with any stress, can't sleep or sleeps far too much, despondent, doesn't smile easily..) Wellbutrin combined with talk therapy and behavior changes.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I'll just get the obligatory do more laundry, vacuum, and give her backrubs out there right now...


Yeah, if you want to stop having sex. What does many loving and loyal men in is this thing called "image".

Being responsible a caretaker, loving and tender takes away some of the manliness and heat that single unattached guy can have.

There are women who love their teddy bears and the more they provide and love, the stronger their love grows.

But for many women it just doesn't work like that even though it sounds logical. They want some resistance, friction, for you to be busy, to be attractive to the outside world.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

andrewwolf said:


> We do 50-50% of the care giving of the child. I would be bold enough to say that I often do more. I get up throughout the night the majority of the time.
> 
> I also forgot to mention that she takes anti-depressants which I often hear can decrease sex drive.
> 
> Reply to the second comment: I do a lot of back rubs haha


Anitidepressants literally KILL the sex drive, libido and personal drive.

Birth controls can also lower drive.

Some women are generous though, that they don't need a high drive of their own and like to please their man, it makes them happy.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

You should be aware of what SSRIs do. They take away that ability to feel emotions. When you have crippling depression, that is an improvement. 

The problem is that it takes away the ability to feel an emotional connection to you. Keep a very good eye on her. There is more than one story here about cheating when the person on the SSRI goes outside the marriage looking for that bond they miss.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I'll just get the obligatory do more laundry, vacuum, and give her backrubs out there right now...



Let me order three Roomba's, one for each floor then. That oughta fix my sex life 

View attachment 29850


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

neglected42 said:


> My friends who have the best sex lives after they had kids are the ones who had the most hands on husbands when the kids were young.




neglected42,



I'm glad it's working out well for them.



I am sorry to report that being very hands on with both our kids was not sufficient to make things work out that well in my wife and I's case.



Seems intuitive it would help, but I am not convinced in our case. It may have laid the groundwork for more destruction. I am honestly not sure.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> You should be aware of what SSRIs do. They take away that ability to feel emotions. When you have crippling depression, that is an improvement.
> 
> The problem is that it takes away the ability to feel an emotional connection to you. Keep a very good eye on her. There is more than one story here about cheating when the person on the SSRI goes outside the marriage looking for that bond they miss.


yep... my wife's been on them for years and she's become an emotional desert, I'm afraid... the connection has gone, the sex has gone... all she cares about is managing her mental problems... she refuses therapy. Not sure how she can live in that hell... it was affecting me badly as well... to the point I had to detach myself. I could see the ADs looming on the horizon for me too. Having been on them, I know what they do to you. If you want to live an emotionless life, they are fine... I got fed-up with being a zombie and gave them up. I swore to never touch them again.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am going to give you some different advice. Stop trying to figure her out. I take what you are saying at face value. 

You are doing a lot. You are actually probably doing too much. Do you feel as though she should reward you for all that you do? If so, drop that mentality. It just builds resentment. 

Do things only when you think they should be done, not because you think she will appreciate it. She takes you for granted. Be more independent. You will feel better about yourself. As a side benefit, when you feel better about yourself you will be more attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

andrewwolf said:


> When we do have sex, it's great and not to be graphic but I'm able to make her come to completion/squirt.


Although you may have left the building as such, it's worth addressing the above.

As someone who has been with a number of women, and is intimately familiar with squirting. I would like to point out, that squirting is seldom coincident with having an orgasm, and therefore should not be considered an indicator of orgasm.

At the end of the day if you think your wife has had an orgasm because she has squirted, it is highly likely you are mistaken.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wives determined to stay LD will not comprehend a word of the above I'm afraid.


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

Wow, "1-2 times a month?!" Lucky guy! 

I'm currently living "1 time every 2 months." And even then, it's that loveless "bend me over, and be quick about it" kind of sex.

Sheesh. Some people don't know when they got it good.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

HiLibido said:


> Wow, "1-2 times a month?!" Lucky guy!
> 
> I'm currently living "1 time every 2 months." And even then, it's that loveless "bend me over, and be quick about it" kind of sex.
> 
> Sheesh. Some people don't know when they got it good.


Hello HiLibido,

I'm sorry to read that you are having what you call loveless sex six times a year. I have no doubt you feel a tremendous amount of frustration and disappointment with your circumstance.

That said, although it appears as if andrewolf might not return. I do encourage you to appreciate that a sexual frequency of 12-24 times a year with one's love. Is probably little different in terms of the hurt one is likely to feel over such limited sexual intimacy.

In many instances I consider it likely that if one's sexual frequency with their sexual partner falls to 1-2 times a week (while physically capable and together at the time), one ought to pay attention especially if it continues like that.

If it can become once a week it can just as easily become once fortnightly then once a month to once a year. 

If one doesn't fix once a week quickly it will certainly not be easier fixing a lesser frequency.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

HiLibido said:


> Wow, "1-2 times a month?!" Lucky guy!
> 
> I'm currently living "1 time every 2 months." And even then, it's that loveless "bend me over, and be quick about it" kind of sex.
> 
> Sheesh. Some people don't know when they got it good.


I tend to agree - 1 or 2 times a month - you lucky thing! Seriously, my marriage started with sex once or twice a month (if I was lucky) and now, less than two years down the line, it's been once in the last 3 months. I've given up on my marriage now.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

I really don't know how you can get through to someone who is taking medication that prevents them from feeling emotion and connection. Is there any way she could get off of the anti-depressants? If her depression is severe, medications tend to be the only thing that works. If it is not severe, they have done studies which show exercise can be just as effective. Could you both take up some new physical activity together? (I am not talking about sex here, that would come later  )

For the other men whose wives seem to be extremely resistant to sex of any kind, perhaps you should read this link and see if it applies. (I imagine you would know instantly if there is a possibility this applies)
How to Overcome Sexual Aversion


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

neglected42 said:


> I really don't know how you can get through to someone who is taking medication that prevents them from feeling emotion and connection. Is there any way she could get off of the anti-depressants? If her depression is severe, medications tend to be the only thing that works. If it is not severe, they have done studies which show exercise can be just as effective. Could you both take up some new physical activity together? (I am not talking about sex here, that would come later  )
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you for that link. It seems to match my wife and I's situation very well. 



It also gives me hope her aversion to sex with me, even her aversion to non-sexual affection from me (plus the absence of any offered to me from her), might possibly come from not my inherit lack of fitness as a man and husband, but was the result of a harmful dynamic in play over a very long time.



I will send the link to her, and see if it resonates with her.



Thanks again!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is a decent psych basis in what the article says but.....

"""To overcome the aversion, you must break the association of sex with your husband from the unpleasant emotional reaction. The easiest way to do that is to associate sex with the state of relaxation"""

Duh of duh's, people, that's not going to work if the reason you are sex averse is because of work or life stress unrelated to sex...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

andrewwolf said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> New to the forum. Thought I'd ask for advice here. I'm 29 years old and married for 2 years and have a 1yr old daughter. We are to the point where we only have sex 1-2 times a month and it drives me crazy. She has no drive and never talks about anything sexual. I try and be romantic and that doesn't help (usually women's first advice). She also makes comments about how she's tired or doesn't feel well which doesn't make a man too excited to even make a move.
> 
> ...



After she had your beautiful daughter, I bet her hormones changed and that's why her sex drive has dropped so much. Her body needs time to recover and if it doesn't, she needs to woman up, go to the doctor and gets meds to get her hormones back in check and her sex drive will return to normal.

Doing extra chores and giving her body massages is a great and loving thing to do for her, but you shouldn't have to do these to get sex. Sex is loving, chores don't matter and she must take care of your needs as her own.

Sex 1 - 2x is just enough to keep you in the marriage sex and not a loving wifee.

Sex 2 - 3x week is a healthy average and not a lot.

Don't let her blame the sex issue on raising your daughter. Your wifee didn't have to have a kid and she knew about hormone changes during and after pregnancy before getting pregnant.

If you do too much for her, spoil and pamper her, thinking she will want sex, that will backfire because she will get used to you catering to her, she doesn't do much and still no sex.....

A coworker met his girlfriend to be some years ago. She has the high sex drive were as he is more average sex drive. She wanted a kid, got pregnant and now they have an awesome baby boy. She lost all her baby weight and is in better shape now than before and her sex drive is the same......high sex drive. She took care of herself before and after having their son and keeps the sex going often.


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