# Very New and Hurt By This Process



## wilted07 (Aug 28, 2012)

I have read many articles on divorce and separation and this is the first time I am deciding to write about my own situation..

Everything happened so fast. My husband and I for the two years of our marriage have always been rocky and up and down. Little months/moments here and there of happiness but relatively short lived. Always arguing, having silence wars, control issues, inappropriate instances, infidelities, violent and aggressive moment or 2, etc etc. Yet, I have always seen potential in my husband. In us. In the faith that we would get better. 

11 days I moved out of our apartment and back home. He didn't want me there so I left. We got into what I though was a ridiculous argument, which in my opinion, he overreacted to, and the week after that was hell, which resulted in me leaving. He is military. But when we met he was not. He has stated that I am the source of his headaches and in order for him to focus on his career, (as he's said this before), that I am the one to go. He has also said that because I don't do my "job" around the house ( I dont work, I am a full time student), that he will replace me with someone who can. He has changed and now claims that a marriage is based on finances and since he's the breadwinner, I in fact owe him and should be in fact grateful the lights turn on and should basically expect nothing else. He has claimed (before he decided to say he wanted a divorce) that in order for him to progress through the military he has to put his marriage on the back burner and return to it when he has achieved his success and can then fulfill his husbandly duties. He is angry that his materialistic desires get put on hold and he has to consult me on purchases because of bills and my desire to see us out of debt and acquire the basic necessities such as furniture etc. But I did ask that maybe he could pay me a little attention on the materialistic side (it doesnt take a lot to make me happy I detest designer bags and such), and thoughtfulness side. My husband believes that marriage to me is a headache he doesnt need anymore and he needs to focus on his career and his life as he's not getting any younger (he's 24) and he's not happy. He said the things he was doing was conducive to the marriage but not to his individual wants. He said he doesnt want to compromise, fulfill me and doesnt care about my feelings. He said he doesnt want to try to work things out. As I am, he is tired of arguing about the same thing, because we never resolve anything just sweep it under the rug. But he doesn't want to revisit any of those conversations to fix those problems. It's frustrating.

I left on a saturday at 3pm. He texted me the sunday evening at 11pm asking if I got to wherever I went okay. I didnt respond. 2 days later tuesday around 6 he called with something along the lines of "i want to make sure your not on the side of the road because..well..i dont know..just send me a text with a dot to make sure your alive". Again no response. I havent heard from him since. I have access to everything of his, which I have ceased checking effective 6 days ago. I don't check phone records, emails, fb accounts, bank accounts ,his contact list, twitter, nothing. I figure whats the point. Yes, to me it is the last connection I have with him but seeing what he's doing will not make me feel better. 

I am very much confused. I don't cry everyday but I think about our relationship and him constantly. A good friend reminded me of how much of a good woman I am (despite my faults, which this period has been very introspective, regardless of the fact that I'm very self critical anyway), and yet my husband doesn't want this marriage which as been through so much. Married for 2 years, together for 5. Everything haunts me, I feel he took eveything away from me. I am alone and in a position I never wanted to be in, and he is doing whatever he's doing. Everyone says he'll come back. Everyone says (on my side anyway Im sure his military friends feel different even though they dont know me very well and they are all divorced, separated or doing their own dirt) he'll regret his choices. I am very uncomfortable with the unknown and everyday is a roller coaster. Some more tolerable than others. Everything reminds me of him. And yes, I want my marriage to work. But for once and for all the RIGHT way. My birthday is this Sunday, some say he will turn up this weekend, but knowing my husband I doubt it. He said his conscience is clear because he feels he's done everything a husband should do in regards to finances therefore I should be grateful and content.

He has promotion board that he's supposedly preparing for on the 6th of sept. Which interestingly enough as the bank account decreases, I have the strangest feeling tutors and study tips arent being paid for. He claimed (when I was idiotically helping him find out the particulars for divorce) he didnt have time to file because he had a lot going on at work. Yet when I had set up a mediation appt, he had no problem getting off work to attend. I canceled the appt and told him I did not want a divorce and if he wanted to divorce me he was on his own in his endeavor. He claimed I was trying to force him to work it out. He agreed to try at one point, but 2 days later claimed "this was another thing he said for my benefit not his own". His demeanor was to the point where I felt like a fungus so I left while he was gone. I mean he kept saying "If I could send you home tomorrow I would" so I figured he wouldnt care. 

I flip flop days in my feelings and analytical component of the relationship. I recognize my part in what I can improve on, but as for him, I just don't know. We've been here before, 4 years ago, when we were dating, he broke up with me and 2 months later came back. I just don't understand why this is happening or what the logical point of this is. I can't and won't accept anything less than intensive therapy on both our parts to rebuild this marriage if he does come to the conclusion that this is what he wants. I love him but he broke me down and I want to feel like I'm the luckiest girl on the planet, just like I try to make him feel. Not feel like I'm a slave to his wants and needs and mine take a backseat. 

I'm new to this posting thing and I'm sure I left out many points but I think I'm looking for clarity and understanding. Maybe guidance from those who have been here. Is separation healthy? How long is this supposed to last? Will he file or should I? (especially since he gets extra $ for being married-money I have not used since I've left.) Am I not accepting reality by hoping things will change? I have helped him acquire damn near everything he has, and while I don't want credit, he has seemed to forget where he's come from and who he was with when he had nothing. How will I be able to continue to love him unconditionally after this? I am very lost and hurt. The pain is unlike anything I've ever felt. And while I am difficult to be with, I try my damnest to compensate in every way I knew how.

What do I do....


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

wilted07 said:


> I have read many articles on divorce and separation and this is the first time I am deciding to write about my own situation..
> 
> Everything happened so fast. My husband and I for the two years of our marriage have always been rocky and up and down. Little months/moments here and there of happiness but relatively short lived. Always arguing, having silence wars, control issues, inappropriate instances, infidelities, violent and aggressive moment or 2, etc etc. Yet, I have always seen potential in my husband. In us. In the faith that we would get better.
> 
> ...


Hi Wilted. I'm sorry this is happening to you. 

I must say, from what you have said, I don't know why you want to be married to him. He has made it extremely clear that he does not want to be married, and in fact, does not sound like a very nice man. But love is love. 

I was going to say don't pay for the divorce if its not something you want. However, when I read on and saw that he is getting money for being married, I changed my mind. If he is not going ahead with filing, you do it. Take away that bonus that he gets. Why should he benefit from a marriage he is not part of. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Let him find out the consequences of his choices.

It sounds like you are doing the right things in terms of not chasing him. Work on yourself. Show him what a strong, confident woman you are. Maybe he will change his mind. But if he doesn't, it will help you to deal with it. And maybe, you will develop enough self esteem to realize that you deserve better than him.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

One must take my advice with a grain of salt because I am no expert on marriage and as it is now, my own common-law marriage (9 years, two kids) is at the lowest point it's ever been in (it's pretty much over as far as I can tell). 

So I am going to give you advice that I wish I would have followed two years ago when my relationship was more tolerable but still at a similar level of dysfunction as yours is now. 


I would start doing the 180 program/continue with no contact.
I would seek individual counseling/marriage counseling without telling my husband - so that I can work on any issues I may have and gain an objective insight into my relationship and my spouse.
I would create a list of conditions/boundaries that I would need to address in order to reconcile. 
I would begin working on myself and becoming the spouse I would like to be married to - even if I couldn't apply my new growth practically in my marriage, I would make changes so that if/when I could, I would, "Be the change I wish to see in the world."
I don't know about your situation but if I was legally married, I would consider filing for the divorce to A) try to protect the marital assets and B) drive home the point that I will move on if my SO doesn't want me and he doesn't get to decide for me whether or not I'm good enough anymore.
Continue to read up on relationships and post on this site, lean on friends for support etc. gain insights and put what you learn into practice. and finally,
I would take my H at his word. If he said to me,


> "he doesnt want to compromise, fulfill me and doesnt care about my feelings. He said he doesnt want to try to work things out. As I am, he is tired of arguing about the same thing, because we never resolve anything just sweep it under the rug. But he doesn't want to revisit any of those conversations to fix those problems."


Then I would be apt to believe him.

Two years ago, my H and I separated. When we got back together, he told me that he wasn't going to work on us because he thought I was the only one that needed changing. Stupidly, I didn't believe him. I changed, kissed his behind and really did become a better spouse in a lot of ways. I did so partially because there were things I really needed to and genuinely wanted to change about myself for the better (and I did change them). However, part of me did it because I thought, "if I improve XYZ, he'll meet me half-way and improve ABC." Unfortunately it seems, he was telling the truth. He wasn't going to do the work, didn't do the work and actually, I just discovered that he was cheating on me this month! So believe him. Don't waste time like I did. Call his bluff, do the 180 and start picking up the pieces of your life. 

He might be lying and he might come back but don't waste another precious moment waiting for him to decide for you whether or not you are good enough to be loved properly.


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

The ONLY option you have here (IMO) is to take a set amount of time (preferably 30 days) where you have NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. During this time, read books and improve yourself. Let him miss you. Figure out what went wrong and whether or not it is even possible to make it work. But first thing you need to do is MAKE HIM MISS you b/c right now he doesn't and you are just groveling waiting for him to come back (this never works BTW and if it does it is only temporary)


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## wilted07 (Aug 28, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Hi Wilted. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
> 
> I must say, from what you have said, I don't know why you want to be married to him. He has made it extremely clear that he does not want to be married, and in fact, does not sound like a very nice man. But love is love.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply.

I agree with initiating divorce. God willing I will have a job soon and if I realize that this had inadvertently turned into a contract marriage I will begin the process. I will not allow him to use me for money. Though doubts have set me back, I do know that I have my hang-ups but at the end of the day we both deserve to be happy. I want a happy, healthy marriage once and for all. And I don't want him to change his mind. I want him to realize he can do it all, the right way and still be happy, still progress and still be a wonderful husband. People tell me to call, blogs say call, but in terms of calling/chasing I believe I have done everything I can possibly do at this point. It's not up to me anymore. The ball is in his court for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilted07 (Aug 28, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> One must take my advice with a grain of salt because I am no expert on marriage and as it is now, my own common-law marriage (9 years, two kids) is at the lowest point it's ever been in (it's pretty much over as far as I can tell).
> 
> So I am going to give you advice that I wish I would have followed two years ago when my relationship was more tolerable but still at a similar level of dysfunction as yours is now.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response.

This is what I think. I think his newfound responsibilities at work in light of his possible promotion, his responsibilities at home/concerning me & the house that he was lacking, him wanting a break from pressure and me not being okay with being ignored, compounded with the other issues we had, came at a head for him and he overreacted hastily, misguidedly and irrationally. His excuse about not having time to file, needing to focus etc etc --from what I've gathere he's done nothing but eat junk and focus on extracurricular activities (but I could be wrong). I believe in the moment (amidst my trying to I suppose "force" him to see the light, perhaps maybe he did mean what he said. I also believe that some of his steam may have ebbed at this point but who knows. I do know marriage/family shouldn't be a distraction, it should be a priority and in the military world sometimes it's the only thing that keep them together.

There has been no contact between us (even today is my birthday and so far zip).
I have considered counseling but am weary that continuing to muddle through a puzzle with only 1 party is effective.
I will make the list.
I think this is the most I've thought about myself and how I negatively contributed to the situation. And I am welcoming that and working through it the best I can- wish he'd do the same.
The interesting thing is- we just bought HIS car together this year (my name is on it but no I do not want it at all). And other than that we have no assets. Everything he touches in that apartment I picked, preferred and yet I'm not in it. Still blows my mind.

I agree with you. I do not want him to come back because he's lonely or anything other than missing me for who I am. Who he remembers me to be-flaws and all. He has to have the mindset to want to work. My only problem with that is when I wanted to work, he wasn't ready. And when he wants to work, yes I'll probably be angry at his timing and preference. But that's why intense counseling will be necessary because a lot has transpired with me inividually and emotionally and he is going to have to deal with that, realize his part and work for better. (this all considering he does decide to stay married and want to be an active part in it).

We shall see...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilted07 (Aug 28, 2012)

forumman83 said:


> The ONLY option you have here (IMO) is to take a set amount of time (preferably 30 days) where you have NO CONTACT whatsoever with him. During this time, read books and improve yourself. Let him miss you. Figure out what went wrong and whether or not it is even possible to make it work. But first thing you need to do is MAKE HIM MISS you b/c right now he doesn't and you are just groveling waiting for him to come back (this never works BTW and if it does it is only temporary)


Thank you for replying..

My choice or not 2 weeks has already transpired and the no contact has been in effect. With possibilities and probabilities running through my mind constantly I have no idea if it can work. I believe any marriage, however, (barring physical violence) can be mended, and worked on to the point of a happy healthy relationship. The love is there but its not enough. We have forgotten HOW to love each other and truly cherish one another and we need to get back to that basic fundamental in order to move forward and address the rest. 

Making him miss me...I'm not sure what you mean by that exactly. Like I said if "absence makes the heart grow fonder" well that's about the only way he'll be "made" to miss me. I have cut off from all social media sites and am just keeping to myself. Groveling and waiting for him to come back, I think, are mutually exclusive. I am mourning the present loss of my husband, and my marriage. I haven't done anything for anything to "work". The ball is in his court. And I want him to have this time to truly decide and act on what he truly wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

:birthday:


wilted07 said:


> Thank you for your response.
> 
> This is what I think. I think his newfound responsibilities at work in light of his possible promotion, his responsibilities at home/concerning me & the house that he was lacking, him wanting a break from pressure and me not being okay with being ignored, compounded with the other issues we had, came at a head for him and he overreacted hastily, misguidedly and irrationally. His excuse about not having time to file, needing to focus etc etc --from what I've gathere he's done nothing but eat junk and focus on extracurricular activities (but I could be wrong). I believe in the moment (amidst my trying to I suppose "force" him to see the light, perhaps maybe he did mean what he said. I also believe that some of his steam may have ebbed at this point but who knows. I do know marriage/family shouldn't be a distraction, it should be a priority and in the military world sometimes it's the only thing that keep them together.
> 
> ...


:birthday:

Happy birthday, Wilt! I hope you are going to spend some time with friends.

Keep up the 180. he will notice the difference. Strong, confident women are attractive.


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