# Told the kids today



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm pulling this out in a new thread because I want more people to see it. The long back story is in my long thread below, but the quick recap is that the marriage has been unraveling for a long time. STBX and I have been sleeping in different bedrooms for a year. This fall, DD10 had severe anxiety and trouble adjusting to school. Didn't want to be apart from me. I was worried about telling the kids, and everyone here told me to do it ASAP.

So, told them today, and the girls were SO RELIEVED. DD10 said she was afraid we were going to say we were getting divorced and papa was going to move far away (he's renting the house next door). DD7 said "yay!" and continued playing her video game. We didn't have to explain about not loving each other like we should any more, because they've known for so long. And even though they never said it to us, they wondered, for probably a year, what we were going to do about it, and when they would find out. 

We should have told them much sooner. I didn't want to burden them with the relationship trouble, but if they had known that we were working on it while considering options if we couldn't work it out, and that those options included a rental next door or an addition on the house, they wouldn't have spent time obsessing over the worst (still considering a garage with an apartment above it on the property. We're in the rural northeast, so lots of space to do something like that). I just wish we'd been open with them months ago.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

On the plus side, I also feel SO much better. I had so much anxiety about telling them, I spent most of yesterday hiding at work and crying. Really, really glad that I continued therapy all summer, because I'm so much more at peace and STBX and I have been able to establish a friendship. Most of the kids questions were about day-to-day routine stuff (both have waist-length hair that I brush out after shampoos, so DD10 wondered who would do her hair after baths at papa's. I said I could still come over and do it if she wants. Little things like that).


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Good for you, northernlights. It's never a good idea to keep things like this from the kids. They either figure it out but make it much worse in their minds than perhaps it is, like your DD10 did, or they don't quite, like my DS13, but wonder why Mom or Dad is so upset all the time.

I don't know your full story, but it's good you're keeping it amicable. I assume no infidelity was involved - that tends to make that amicability thing quite a bit more challenging.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As I mentioned some time ago, children are very observant and they always fear the worst (just like many adults do -- including me). I felt that your daughter thought he would be going back to Europe because if I had been in her position that's what I would have thought too. 

I'm very glad to hear they took it well. It's a burden lifted from their shoulders and yours too. Now you can focus on the process of moving on without worrying about the stress of telling them.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

You nailed it openminded. DD10 said this evening, "but you're not getting divorced, right?" and I asked what she thought would be different if eventually we did divorce. She said we wouldn't live next door any more. They come with so many assumptions/pre-concieved ideas about what divorce means! I told her we had no plans to divorce, but that if we did, we'd still live next door. She was very reassured by that.

Yeah, no infidelity. There was still a lot of ugliness, but we/I have an amazing therapist, and she's helped so much. The past is behind us, and deciding that we're moving on instead of trying to repair means there's no reason to revisit it again. Moving forward, we're focused on providing the best for the kids. I think too that we've been out of love for so long that it's easy to look at each other as friends. There are just no intense feelings of any kind to get caught up on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with nomorebeans, kids are perceptive and if you don't tell them they'll spin things in their mind. And it will always be far worse than reality because they have so little control over anything. 

I'm reminded of the pirates of the Caribbean where Will wants to know why Elizabeth didn't tell him about killing Jack. She tells him "it was my burden to bare" and his response was "but I did bare it, I just didn't know it".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

How will dating play out ?

How will each of you deal with a SO becoming involved in your children's life?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Have you considered telling the school counselor? Most of them are well aware of the anxiety kids go through and can help. Its also a way for the kids to have someone to talk to because they usually don't want to burden you. I'm glad they know.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So you've decided to permanently separate but not divorce and just live next door to each other?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Have you considered telling the school counselor? Most of them are well aware of the anxiety kids go through and can help. Its also a way for the kids to have someone to talk to because they usually don't want to burden you. I'm glad they know.



Yeah, they're both already seeing the school counselor. She really helped my DD10 with the anxiety. She knows we told them this weekend, so they'll probably see her this week.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

JohnA said:


> How will dating play out ?
> 
> How will each of you deal with a SO becoming involved in your children's life?


Not sure yet! It's a winter rental, the couple will be back in May, but we're in rural Maine, so there are a five or six hundred feet and lots of trees between the houses. So, we can't see each other. If keeping them from barging in on dates is hard, he will probably end up finding a rental a bit further away. It's flexible.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So you've decided to permanently separate but not divorce and just live next door to each other?


Not certain yet. STBX and the kids have dual citizenship in the US and another country, so I get nervous when I think about the legal aspects of divorce. Legally married, I can live there too for as long as I want on a spousal visa. 

The next door rental is a winter rental, so he has it from Nov. 1 to May 1. Depending on how the kids adjust, we'll re-evaluate from there. Either way, he has to find something else for the summer.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Not to throw rain on your parade but this could get dicey. What if he start blowing through yalls cash/assets? Wout a divorce in place there is nothing to stop him. The SO could get very hairy as well. And what does this teach your children if you don't divorce? That married couples can live in separate houses? They may think this is normal or something. I'm sure you vetted all this already just tread carefully. DUDE


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

The money thing is a concern, but it's not like him to spend it. REALLY not like him. Besides, most of our cash is tied up in mutual funds and the like. I was going to talk to the guy who handles them, maybe we can put into place some kind of agreement where we both have to sign off on their sale. That would be a nice backup. Or get half in just my name, half in just his, without incurring capital gains taxes.

My guess is we'll end up formally divorcing in a year or two, but right now, it's still baby steps.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I hear ya on baby steps good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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