# Been lurking here for quite some time



## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

Hi! I’ve actually been reading a lot of the posts since January. Just couldn’t figure out how to post as I am technology challenged and low and behold I stumbled upon this today! Yay! So personal story...43 in divorce process. Found out husband cheated for whole marriage (almost 20 years) and is currently living with OW. Been through my rage stage and now crossed over to a new stage. Kind of peaceful. Still have bad days sometimes though. Quite a shocker for me to find out how many people actually cheat. It’s not something I think I’ll ever understand. I know I’ll have major trust issues from here on out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Welcome Kay, and Sorry you are going through this. You will be better off -- your husband clearly isn't who you thought he was. Have you considered counseling? You DO know that his cheating is not YOUR fault, yes? THAT is 100% on him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

Do you have any children?

Are you in counselling?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please remember that there are some good people about with integrity, don't judge all men by one. 
Like you I have no idea how anyone could do what your husband has done. Not just the cheating but the lies and deception for so long.


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## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

Well let’s see if I do this reply thing right. Need to figure out how to respond individually. No, I am not in counseling yet. 

I did go to one session with my pastor, but this past week I’ve been looking at regular counselors and there is one that I’m going to call and set up appt. Not just for these issues, but just because the junk going on in world in general is getting to me and getting me down some days.

I do know his cheating is not my fault. I was completely faithful the whole time. Didn’t even flirt with another man. He put me down a lot because I was never the trophy wife and of course in the beginning I compared myself to OW etc. However, I’ve since learned a cheater is going to cheat no matter what. I’m in an online women’s support group and let me tell you there are some majorly beautiful women on there who have been cheated on and I think their husbands are insane. So it just proves they will do it mo matter what. I’m not comparing myself anymore. After reading posts on here I realize wow there really might be some great men out there.

I mean, I’ve never had help around the house other than him mowing lawn. I could only imagine having dinner cooked for me once in a while. I have three kids. They are all teens so it’s been pretty easy in that area. Also because I pretty much raised them. He didn’t do much parenting. Maybe some fun stuff now and then, but I did everything else. He was gone a lot and they are used to it. 

They are doing just fine. Better actually because now I’m happier that he’s gone. The way this OW happened was I finally got tired of the emotional and mental abuse and for the probably 50th time said I want a divorce (left for a year one time and reconciled). Only this time I had really snapped and knew it was time. To him, that meant it was okay to go online and meet someone. 

As far as I’m concerned, it’s still adultery. Especially if you’re hiding it because then you know it’s wrong. After I found out about her I found out about many of the rest from the last 19 years, though not all. It was a double whammy there in the beginning. The fury came from him using our money to pay for hotel rooms and stuff and take her out on dates. Especially since I begged him for years to take me on a date. Years. 

Anyway, this is probably getting too long and I’m sure I’m probably not posting correctly. Lol. I’ll get it figured out eventually.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Kay43 said:


> Well let’s see if I do this reply thing right. Need to figure out how to respond individually. No, I am not in counseling yet. I did go to one session with my pastor, but this past week I’ve been looking at regular counselors and there is one that I’m going to call and set up appt. Not just for these issues, but just because the junk going on in world in general is getting to me and getting me down some days. I do know his cheating is not my fault. I was completely faithful the whole time. Didn’t even flirt with another man. He put me down a lot because I was never the trophy wife and of course in the beginning I compared myself to OW etc. However, I’ve since learned a cheater is going to cheat no matter what. I’m in an online women’s support group and let me tell you there are some majorly beautiful women on there who have been cheated on and I think their husbands are insane. So it just proves they will do it mo matter what. I’m not comparing myself anymore. After reading posts on here I realize wow there really might be some great men out there. I mean, I’ve never had help around the house other than him mowing lawn. I could only imagine having dinner cooked for me once in a while. I have three kids. They are all teens so it’s been pretty easy in that area. Also because I pretty much raised them. He didn’t do much parenting. Maybe some fun stuff now and then, but I did everything else. He was gone a lot and they are used to it. They are doing just fine. Better actually because now I’m happier that he’s gone. The way this OW happened was I finally got tired of the emotional and mental abuse and for the probably 50th time said I want a divorce (left for a year one time and reconciled). Only this time I had really snapped and knew it was time. To him, that meant it was okay to go online and meet someone. As far as I’m concerned, it’s still adultery. Especially if you’re hiding it because then you know it’s wrong. After I found out about her I found out about many of the rest from the last 19 years, though not all. It was a double whammy there in the beginning. The fury came from him using our money to pay for hotel rooms and stuff and take her out on dates. Especially since I begged him for years to take me on a date. Years. Anyway, this is probably getting too long and I’m sure I’m probably not posting correctly. Lol. I’ll get it figured out eventually.


You posted correctly. I'll put a couple posting tips at the bottom.

Regarding being a trophy wife -- Yep, Billy Joel cheated on Christy Brinkley. Looks has nothing to do with why people cheat. Cheaters cheat. That what they do. If he wasn't reasonably attracted to you he wouldn't have dated then married you.

I understand the rage at him spending your money on *****s and denying you. But look at how much better you feel already having him out of your life.

*Posting tips:*
Press enter on your keyboard twice to create some spaced between paragraphs. It it really hard to read one huge long paragraph on the screen.

If you want to respond to something someone said you can click the QUOTE button below their comment and it will start a new comment from you but also keep their text in it (like I did here). That makes it easier for people to follow the conversation sometimes, although you did just fine in your answer here. It was clear what you were talking about.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kay43 said:


> Well let’s see if I do this reply thing right. Need to figure out how to respond individually. No, I am not in counseling yet. I did go to one session with my pastor, but this past week I’ve been looking at regular counselors and there is one that I’m going to call and set up appt. Not just for these issues, but just because the junk going on in world in general is getting to me and getting me down some days. I do know his cheating is not my fault. I was completely faithful the whole time. Didn’t even flirt with another man. He put me down a lot because I was never the trophy wife and of course in the beginning I compared myself to OW etc. However, I’ve since learned a cheater is going to cheat no matter what. I’m in an online women’s support group and let me tell you there are some majorly beautiful women on there who have been cheated on and I think their husbands are insane. So it just proves they will do it mo matter what. I’m not comparing myself anymore. After reading posts on here I realize wow there really might be some great men out there. I mean, I’ve never had help around the house other than him mowing lawn. I could only imagine having dinner cooked for me once in a while. I have three kids. They are all teens so it’s been pretty easy in that area. Also because I pretty much raised them. He didn’t do much parenting. Maybe some fun stuff now and then, but I did everything else. He was gone a lot and they are used to it. They are doing just fine. Better actually because now I’m happier that he’s gone. The way this OW happened was I finally got tired of the emotional and mental abuse and for the probably 50th time said I want a divorce (left for a year one time and reconciled). Only this time I had really snapped and knew it was time. To him, that meant it was okay to go online and meet someone. As far as I’m concerned, it’s still adultery. Especially if you’re hiding it because then you know it’s wrong. After I found out about her I found out about many of the rest from the last 19 years, though not all. It was a double whammy there in the beginning. The fury came from him using our money to pay for hotel rooms and stuff and take her out on dates. Especially since I begged him for years to take me on a date. Years. Anyway, this is probably getting too long and I’m sure I’m probably not posting correctly. Lol. I’ll get it figured out eventually.


You're doing fine, you should see how long some of my posts are. 

Sounds like your husband wasn't a good guy. Here is the thing with cheaters they cheat because it's in their nature, not because of their environment. 

The thing to get out of this situation is to let it make you stronger. Meaning this is probably one of the hardest times on your life and you were able to get through it and be alright, right? So if you can get through this you can get through anything. This will also let you make decisions from a position of strength. Meaning if you are dating someone else and you start to worry about risking your heart you can remind yourself that you were able to survive heartbreak the first time and at the point you had no idea if you would be able to get over it but you did. If someone you are dating is crappy you can just dump them because you know you will be OK if you are alone for a while. 

While I think it's good to go to your pastor I also think you should speak to a professional if you feel like you need help. Usually pastors are not trained so they can only help so much. Also it's not a one size fits all, keep looking if you don't connect with the someone. 

I also suggest you read some books about cheater and maybe narcissists, maybe even codependency. This will give you some perspective about your husband, and how to avoid someone like that in the future. Also how some of the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship were set up and how to recognize them. 

Sounds like you are on your way, but let me assure you you will have joy again.


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## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

Thank you Working Wife for the tips. Definitely helps! Had no idea Billy Joel cheated. Now that’s a shocker. Yikes. 


Thank you So Kill Me for the great advice. You’re spot on. Never really thought about it from the perspective of future relationships. I do need to read up on narcissism. I have a feeling he definitely is one. That or a sociopath. 😬. 

I know I’ll be fine when I find my new normal It’s going to take longer than I thought though for the whole divorce process, but it gives me more time to get on my feet so that’s okay. It will all turn out alright in the end.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kay43, lawyer up and have at it!

We'll be here for you, for advice, should you wish to vent, etc.

There's also a fun Social Section for off-topic chatter, etc. It's where the cool kids hang out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kay43 said:


> Thank you Working Wife for the tips. Definitely helps! Had no idea Billy Joel cheated. Now that’s a shocker. Yikes.
> 
> 
> Thank you So Kill Me for the great advice. You’re spot on. Never really thought about it from the perspective of future relationships. I do need to read up on narcissism. I have a feeling he definitely is one. That or a sociopath. 😬.
> ...


And you will have gone through if not the hardest, the 2nd or 3rd hardest time in your life and kicked it's ass. At that point bring it on right?


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## Kay43 (Jan 4, 2019)

MattMatt, yep. Already lawyered up. Thanks to friends though because at first I didn’t. Long story. Kind of bullied me with the well if you don’t agree to this we will lawyer up and you’ll get less deal. He knows I’m not smart with things of that nature. 

Friends and family pushed and pushed because they knew better. So finally went and talked to one and was shocked at what I found out. Didn’t realize I’m entitled to a lot. Thought because I was stay at home mom all that time that what he earned was his. I wanted to go to college, but he wouldn’t watch kids so I could go and didn’t have babysitters nearby. 

I know he was tired, but how else was I to do it? They didn’t have online stuff back then. I’m going to go back now though! It’s time to better myself! 

I will check out the social section so I can be a cool kid. 😂 

And yes SoKillMe, I’ll kick it’s ass and bring the rest on!! Getting stronger already!


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