# Just Venting



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I'm still going through the up and downs from my wife's EA a year ago. Most days are fine but there are triggers. We moved neighborhoods which has been good(OM lived down the street along with a toxic friend). 

July and August will be hard because that was when the EA occurred. It cooled off on its own in September and D-day was Oct. 4th. It will also be tough when school starts as OMW teaches at my kids school and their kids go to that school as well. Means we may see OM on occasion. 

I check and verify and have yet to find anything unusual since. 

I feel like I still run the whole range of emotions. Most days, we are great and are truly a happy family. Other days, I almost wish I would find something so I don't have to live in uncertainty. I keep those feelings in check but it is tiring.

The feelings she had for OM aren't as bad as the bold face lies. It makes my paranoia hard sometimes as I know she is fully capable of pulling something over on me. I want to believe she is sincere in our R and everything seems to be great so I don't say anything. It seems if I say anything, it just brings everything back to the forefront so I drudge on silently. 

Just venting I guess on a bad day. Sucks to be the BS.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am in the same boat. DD1 was July 8th. Most of my days are good at this point and I think we are making go strides with our rebuild. We are stlll in MC so I think that helps.

I still have my triggers and then either my blood boils or I get really down. It is OK to vent and you have a large group of people here that can relate to what you are going through.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If you fast forward maybe 3 months you could be me. There should be a thread/category like this, for those of us roughly one year out (our last DDay was 5/29/2011).

It's an interesting stage. I feel the exact same way where I havent found anything in a really long time, but I keep wondering. And I get the same feeling sometimes where I just want to find something already so that chapter can close. 

My W fell for the OM pretty hard, but I caught it very soon after that happened, and he lives 90 minutes away. My W is trying to check back into our marriage after checking out right before the EA. Most of the time it goes well but we have setbacks every 3 months or so.

How does your W feel about herself these days? Does she wish she never pushed over the line with the OM, so you all could still be friends, etc? Is she remorseful, or just feeling guilty?

If you have any questions of me, feel free to shoot me a PM.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks Mahike. Glad to hear you are progressing in your R. I hope it continues to go well and that the bad days are few and far between. 

I've been down a little this past week. They struck up their first real convesation at a 4th of July party last year. They hit it off and within a week or so were sending inappropriate texts to one another. 

Like I said earlier, I get paranoid that she could have found another way to communicate with him. She knows I watch the cell phone bill but there are so many apps that could allow for communication without texting. I don't think about this all the time but on the bad days, it does come. 

I'm hoping to get on a happier track soon. I've always been an upbeat, optimistic person so this whole thing has really thrown my personality for a loop. Though I don't post much, I'm grateful for an outlet like TAM.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> How does your W feel about herself these days? Does she wish she never pushed over the line with the OM, so you all could still be friends, etc? Is she remorseful, or just feeling guilty?
> 
> If you have any questions of me, feel free to shoot me a PM.


She does wish she had never pushed the line with OM so we could all be friends still. We had just gotten to know that family better and were becoming friends with them. OM and I would go running and golfing together. OMW and my wife would hang out. I think my wife started to feel guilty about everything and the texting and calls between them dwindled significantly in September. The sad thing to me is that I wonder whether she stopped for me or for OMW. They were getting to be good friends. 

I suspected but both OM and my wife lied convincingly to me that nothing was going on. Didn't have real proof until Oct when it seemed to have ended already. My wife still misses OMW and feels guilty. My wife still tries to be extra nice to OMW when she deals with her due to the guilt. 

I've realized what a piece the OM is. OMW and I were communicating, trying to figure everything out when she told me she had to cut off communication with me and that this was her idea. Come to find out, OM needed me out of the picture so he could convince her that nothing inappropriate was going on. She bought it and is a big rugsweeper. Knowing OM like I do, he probably believes his own bull****. 

The crazy thing is, had the EA never happened, we probably would be best friends with these people. 

To answer your question though, I think she is a little of both. Remorseful and guilty. I do think she regrets it and hates what she did.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This all makes sense. My W is also remorseful and guilty, but she blames me for the state of the marriage at that time. If I allowed it, I'm sure she would love to reconnect with the OM, as a friend (they were platonic friends for 20 years, then the brief EA).

She was sorry she hurt me. In MC, she admitted she was struggling with whether working on R was to alleviate her guilt because of what she had done, or whether she really wanted to. She really wants to, but there is a twinge of resentment there about her losing her 20 year friendship. She came to me, many times, with her issues in our marriage, begging me to change certain things, and I didn't. So that part is my fault - doesn't mean she was right to cross the line with the OM. She knows that, but still is sad that she lost her friend. She still communicates with a couple of their mutual friends on FB from time to time, but not the OM.

In your case, it seems she is worried about offending the other family. She probably wishes none of it happened so you could be friends with them. But clearly, there is no way that can happen now. Didn't you or them already move though? I thought that was happening? Wouldn't that solve much of the issues?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

We did move but it was just to another neighborhood in the same city. OMW is a teacher at my kids school and their kids also go to the same school. We will see them at school events. Luckily their kids are not in the same grades so it will not be often but no way totally avoid them. 
Sounds like your wife regrets going too far and misses that friendship. I just hope she doesn't hold some resentment towards you for that. We all make decisions and have to live with the consequences. Unhappiness in a marriage should always be addressed with the spouse rather than seeking outside the marriage. Hope you are holding up well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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