# How to communicate?



## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Hello all, Im fairly new here. This is my first post so I will start with a little bit of background. My husband and I have been together 14 years married 8. I am 32, he is 41 we have two children both now teenagers. We have a good relationship. We balance each other well. Have similar life goals and enjoy spending time together. 
Our sex life up until this point has been lacking to say the least. Its never been mind blowing, or even frequent. When our kids were younger and we were both working a lot of hours, we were both tired. Sex was not something we normally had time or energy for. Which lead to only having sex a couple times a month. We talked about it and although we both wanted to have more sex agreed that we had to many other things going on at the time.
Fast forward 10 years, our kids are 13 and 14. I am able to work from home and he is able to work about half as many hours as he was prior. Life is slowing down for us. Id really like to enjoy my husband. I would like to have a sex life finally. Having kids so young really made it so I never had a solid sex life. Ive talked to him about this and he agrees he wants to have sex more. 
This issue is there is no effort on his part. I am ALWAYS the one to initiate. The only time he actually does initiate is after I have talked to him about it and he says he will try harder. Unfortunately, this starting to really give me ugly women syndrome. Is he not attracted to me anymore? does he not really want to have sex with me? When I ask him these questions he assures me this isnt the case. However, in my head nothing else really makes sense. After reading the boards here, I see I am not the only one but in my group of friends I am. I dont know another man in real life that isnt always happy or even pestering their wives for sex. 
The next issue and where I am really looking for help is I REALLY would like to improve the quality of our sex. Spice things up a little. Experiment. The problem is I font know how to approach the topic without him feeling defensive. I am shy and part of what I want is him to take lead in the bedroom. I have tried to bring up the topic that id like a little more and he usually replies with something along the lines of wow i must really suck in bed. Which isnt what Im saying but he doesn't seem to understand that concept of just because we have good sex now, we could be having amazing mind blowing sex. 
How do I approach the situation so he doesn't feel defensive? How do i get him to be a bit more open minded? or is it just one of those things because we have built a pattern over the last 14 years that at this point there is not going back?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You BOTH sound like you are struggling from self confidence issues AND using the quality of sex as a way to measure the quality of your relationship. 

It is easy to become unable to enjoy sex that was otherwise great because the mind becomes too focused to trying to improve things or make it better. So what you have to do is turn things upside down. Take orgasms off the table for a while. Try lovemaking for a few times while "playfully" challenging each other to avoid orgasm for as long as possible (multiple sessions over multiple days). If one can not avoid orgasm it must only be allowed to happen while completely relaxed. 

This is just one example that can help. Now what used to be viewed as failure will now be a success. Also failures while playing with "tease and denial" can be extremely rewarding! You find yourself in a win win situation!

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> ...My husband and I have been together 14 years married 8. I am 32, he is 41 we have two children both now teenagers.
> 
> ....We have a good relationship. We balance each other well. Have similar life goals and enjoy spending time together.
> 
> ...


First of all you have a great understanding of your problem.

He does love you, he does find you attractive. One of your problems is self-doubt and feeling like a sexual failure. Another is being tired of being the parent to your husband and having to teach him what you need in a healthy marriage, especially because you are shy by nature.

One of his problems is that he has self-doubt and feelings like a sexual failure. (Wow I suck in bed.) Your disappointment in your sex life that you have communicated to him, has reinforced that self-doubt.

You hit the nail on the head and you have conditioned each other to a certain sexual interaction pattern that neither of you fully wanted, but fit your lifestyle and responsibilities. Now things have changed, now YOU HAVE CHANGED, and you want him to change so you can have the sex life you desire. Your other problem is that HE HASN"T CHANGED YET, you can't change him and only he can change himself. 

My first piece of advice is to learn more about yourself and your situation. MW Davis has a book the Sex Starved Wife. You are not alone. There are a lot of men who are LD and married to HD wives. MW Davis has a lot of suggestions on things you can do to change the dynamic within your relationship with your H so that he has to treat you differently (maybe better maybe not), but at least differently. She has helped lots of women in your situation.

Since you understand your situation so well, far better than most, and since you brought up communication, I would suggest that you look into marriage counseling or maybe say one of the Gottman video courses or one of their board games. https://www.gottman.com/couples/products/

They do a really good job on telling you the things that couples do to each other that predict pending divorce. They also know when you see one of those behaviors, how you can gently change it into a positive that strengthens a marriage. My wife and I were in a Sex Starved Marriage and we attended one of the 2 day Gottman Couples workshops. They are pretty special. 

Since we are on the topic of how to communicate, let me give you another resource and then an idea. David Schnarch has a number of books and he likes to say that most married couples don't have any problem communicating. They may not use words, but they know how to use facial expressions, body language and tone of voice to communicate far more information than a dating couple could share in two hours of conversation. You may want to either read one of his books or think about what I just told you. 

You did say you have probably spent years conditioning each other and you are right. You did that by communicating. Now you want things suddenly changed, without taking years of conditions. 

One mentor of mine told me it probably takes about a month of constant effort to undo what is done in each year of a bad marriage. You and your H are not going to get to where you now want to be overnight. It will take work on the part of both of you.

Now the advice that was used on my wife and me by a really great sex therapist (hire one if you can). Sex should be fun, playful, no stress and exploratory. Sometimes it will be great and sometime it will go wrong and you should laugh when it does. The Sex Therapist also helped us by constantly asking us to visualize what we wanted in our marriage at some point in the future so that we had a goal to work toward. Start thinking of sex as an adult recess or play time.

You should sit down with your H and not talk to him about sex techniques, but instead what he envisions as a satisfying married life, when your children grow up and leave home, what he envisions as a satisfying married life when the two of your retire, what he wants as the two of your grow old and become less physically able. You just might find you want the same things and that you will both realize that life and health are short and that there is a limit to what you should put off in life. The problem is how to get there. But if you can agree on where you want to go and when, then it will be easier to get there.

Good luck to you. Your post indicates that you have a pretty good understanding of your situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I don't know how it is for women, but I've heard from buddies that it's "use it or lose it" for some guys. 

If he's in his 40s and has been living virtually sexless for more than a decade, he may need more than a "let's have more sex" conversation to get things moving again. 

Especially if you're shy. Shy horny girls don't get laid a lot in my experience. Horny girls that know exactly what they want and can straightforwardly articulate that get laid more. 

Or maybe, as you say, somewhere along the way (or maybe ever) he discovered that he just wasn't that into you. 

What does he say in all this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Thank you very much for the resources, I will look into them right away. I do realize that we didn't get here over night and we arent going to change it overnight. My issue is Ive never actually came out and said I am not satisfied sexually, because of the response I get when i suggest we try something new. I dont want to hurt his feelings or his confidence and Im just not sure how i would say that and not hurt him. 
We have talked about what he sees for us once the kids are grown. We are on the same page, and more sex is on his list. Although he would like sex more frequently. He is satisfied with the quality of sex we are having. Maybe Im just asking for too much.

My other concern is 'use it or lose it'. I know he is over 40, and at some point its natural to want sex less. I guess thats my fear. If we wait until the kids are moved out to work on our sex life, the plumbing might not work anymore.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> Thank you very much for the resources, I will look into them right away. I do realize that we didn't get here over night and we arent going to change it overnight. My issue is Ive never actually came out and said I am not satisfied sexually, because of the response I get when i suggest we try something new. I dont want to hurt his feelings or his confidence and Im just not sure how i would say that and not hurt him.
> We have talked about what he sees for us once the kids are grown. We are on the same page, and more sex is on his list. Although he would like sex more frequently. He is satisfied with the quality of sex we are having. Maybe Im just asking for too much.
> 
> My other concern is 'use it or lose it'. I know he is over 40, and at some point its natural to want sex less. I guess thats my fear. If we wait until the kids are moved out to work on our sex life, the plumbing might not work anymore.


Start using it then.

Listen. Be clear on what you want from YOUR sex life. Do you know what it is? Do you know how often, and what kind of sex you want? Do you know what you want to experience? Do you know what you want him to do? Do you know what you want to try?

If so, then I would suggest you learn to get very comfortable being very forthright about those things, and then start trying them. As in, YOU initiate and start trying them, and encourage him to do the same.

If not, I suggest you start with being very, very clear with yourself about what your sexuality means to you and what you want to get from it.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Maybe he just feels too pressured? I assume it would be a "use it or lose it" thing but right now it sounds like you want both more frequency and more interesting sex. I'd say pick one goal at a time. Since you both want more frequency I'd start with that one. 

He might be turned off because he feels he's not performing up to your standards. I'd try complimenting him as much as possible in ways that make him feel more masculine. Of course don't go overboard because you want to be genuine. And don't expect hot passionate sex overnight. It might take a little while for his confidence to go up if that is the issue you're facing.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Also when you do have sex, don't let him know how disappointing it is for you. You want to make him think that you think he's the biggest stud in town. 

You want him to take initiative and overtake you right? I don't think you can force that out of him. You need him to feel confident enough with his ability to please you.

I remember my husband telling me how with his first wife she rejected him sexually all the time and actually that was why he divorced her. Apparently when she did want sex it took him a long time to get an erection. I've seen her pictures and she's smoking hot too so physical attraction wasn't an issue. With me that's never an issue and I assume it's because he's more confident.

Also I remember one time in our twenties my husband couldn't keep it up because I made some comment about how he's always able to perform and the pressure turned him off completely. 

So if I were id hold off on clearly telling him what you want sexually because he may not feel capable. In most cases I recommend total honesty but in this case I think he needs a boost. Also I highly doubt this has ANYTHINg to do with your physical appearance. It just doesn't sound like it's a factor in what you're describing.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Im sure he doesnt feel pressure (well i guess I dont think so). I have been trying to take it one step at a time. We have been working on frequency recently and it has gotten better. Thats why I have come here, I feel like quality could also be better if I had the right words to say. but maybe your right, maybe I am just getting ahead of myself here.
He always tries. For example, I have expressed I would like him to initiate more. So, the other day he comes home and says few mins before kids get home, Id like to have sex. Thats it, is it then still up to me to approach him,and get the party going. Im grateful that he does put in the effort. So I try to not be to picky and never really let him see my disappointment when i know he is trying, but thats not really want I ment when I said id like him to initiate. If I come back and say no thats not what I ment, i feel like he may not WANT to put in that effort in the future or he may feel like no matter what he does it isnt enough. Thats not the case and i dont want him to feel that way. So, maybe my problem is Im not using the right words to express what I want. But Im not sure what words to say, that wont hurt and make the situation worse. 
If you asked him, Im sure he has no clue that I am not satisfied sexually. Ive never actually said that to him. I have only approached him with things like hey, what do you think about trying out some toys, that might be fun. I am usually met with " why cause im not good enough" At that point i reassure him and drop it. So anything Ive ever said to him was more about adding to what we have vs what he have not being good enough. As far as quality, I thought that would come with time, the longer we were together the more comfortable we would be. I have always complimented him, thinking the more I build him up the better it would be for both of us. Since it hasnt, I am left with the situation of dealing with the situation we have created, or finding a way to communicate my wants to him without him taking it personal.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"This week, I'd like you to initiate sex three times. And by initiating sex, I don't mean saying 'I'd like to have sex.' It's grabbing me, pushing me up against the wall while kissing me passionately and taking my clothes off."

Be prescriptive. And descriptive.

"I want to try the we-vibe. I've ordered it, and we can use it while we're having sex. I want to do it so I can get off many times while you're inside me, which I've been fantasizing about many times, because I love having sex with you and can't stop thinking about it. I was thinking I'd wear stockings and stiletto heels while we do it, because I thought you might like that."


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Do you watch porn together? If not, are you opposed to the idea?


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> Do you watch porn together? If not, are you opposed to the idea?


We havnt watched porn together. I am not opposed to it, thats actually something I would like to do. I have mentioned it to him before, but it hasnt happened.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> ...My issue is Ive never actually came out and said I am not satisfied sexually, because of the response I get when i suggest we try something new. *I dont want to hurt his feelings or his confidence *and Im just not sure how i would say that and not hurt him.
> 
> 
> ....We have talked about what he sees for us once the kids are grown. We are on the same page, and more sex is on his list. Although he would like sex more frequently. *He is satisfied with the quality of sex we are having. Maybe Im just asking for too much.*
> ...


The words "I am not sexually satisfied" may have never been spoken, but you probably have communicated your feelings. Your spouse knows you. They often know what you are thinking! They really know what your mood is. 

When you are in a bad mood does your husband either know to give you space or that he reaches out to you and tries to cheer you up? It is because you have non-verbally communicated with him. 

I will again go back to David Schnarch, long term couples communicate some things (especially negative feelings) very well, but not always with words. 

I believe you when you say you would never intentionally, "....hurt his feelings or his confidence..." But you need to understand that if you are unsatisfied and you are disappointed, your husband has picked up on that from facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and a host of other thing. 

Why don't you conduct an experiment. You say he is satisfied with the quality of the sex you have, but agrees to wanting more frequency. Are you really satisfied with the frequency? 

How about siting down with him and asking him how often he thinks you would like to have sex in a 2 week period. Have him put it on a piece of paper without showing or telling you. Tell him you are doing it because when you were talking about the future you heard him say he would like to increase the frequency.

Now ask him how many times he would like to bring you to orgasm with you during a two week period. Again without saying or showing have him write it on the paper. 

Then ask how many times he would like you to bring him to orgasm during that two week period? 

Ask him how many times during a 2 week period he would like the two of you to hug, but not as part of sexual foreplay.

Ask him how many times a 2 week period he would like the two of you to kiss, but not as part of sexual foreplay.

If you want to share your answers have at it. You might be surprised at some of the answers and what it is that he really would like in frequency and what he thinks you want. He might want touch more than you do. He might want to orgasm less than you do but want to bring you to orgasm more than you think.

One of the things I learned is that as much as I want sex, I want to be hugged, kissed and held even more. Actually my wife is LD, and one of the hardest things I had to learn is that while she enjoys sex when she has it, she just doesn't like it as often as I do AND THAT is just who she is. I can't change that. There is no right amount of sex in a marriage. She is not broken and in need of fixing. I need to accept that.

Still I also can negotiate with her so that we have as much sex as she can comfortably have and enjoy. We can also do other things that make me (and her) feel cherished and loved, which are not sex, but are intimate and emotionally bonding. Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes compromise involves substitution.

Again, if you are afraid he is 40 and his libido is going to drop off the chart, he will know that. You may not think he knows your fears, but I would wager he does. Trust him, Trust that he would go to a doctor if he starts having problems or that the two of you would not let it slip through the cracks. Rather than having fears that you communicate (even without words) have a positive attitude and visualize success and what will make you happy. He might just pick up on it and want to make you happy.




Stillgoingstrong said:


> Im sure he doesnt feel pressure (well i guess I dont think so). I have been trying to take it one step at a time. We have been working on frequency recently and it has gotten better. Thats why I have come here, *I feel like quality could also be better if I had the right words to say*. but maybe your right, maybe I am just getting ahead of myself here.
> 
> He always tries. For example, I have expressed I would like him to initiate more. So, the other day he comes home and says few mins before kids get home, Id like to have sex. Thats it, is it then still up to me to approach him,and get the party going. Im grateful that he does put in the effort. *So I try to not be to picky and never really let him see my disappointment when i know he is trying, but thats not really want I ment when I said id like him to initiate.* If I come back and say no thats not what I ment, i feel like he may not WANT to put in that effort in the future or *he may feel like no matter what he does it isnt enough.*
> 
> ...


Yes, you are getting a head of yourself. I am sure he does feel pressure to perform. I am sure he knows you are not sexually satisfied and I bet that makes him feel hurt. You need to be honest with both yourself and him. However, you can work on your own feelings and focus on making yourself happy and sharing that happiness and joy with him. 

First thing, when he "attempted to initiate" but it wasn't enough you had a great opportunity and missed it. He knew just from looking at you that his initiation was being rejected, even if you had good reasons, because the kids would be home from school soon. 

When he said I'd like to have sex, you could have said great! Then hugged him and locked the two of you in the bathroom and had a quickie. You could have said great, hugged and kissed him and said I have plans for you as soon as the kids are asleep tonight. I am going to give you an extra special adult dessert or midnight snack! 

What I have told my wife to do when I initiate and my wife doesn't want to have sex right there and then is to 

(1) tell me she loves me.
(2) touch me in a loving way (fingers through hair on head, touch my cheek, etc.)
(3) tell me she wants me sexually
(4) tell me to rest,make sure I get some extra sleep, not drink to much or any other appropriate comment, as she is looking forward to rocking my world sexually (either later that night, in the morning, or the following night).

Anything else can be interpreted pretty much a rejection. You want to reinforce positive behavior in your H, you had an opportunity for positive reinforcement and didn't use it.

Whether you know it or not your H probably felt rejected even though you didn't mean to do that. Yes you had good reasons, but he was being brave and his bravery wasn't rewarded.

Now again, sex should be fun, playful, exploratory with no pressure to perform. Tell you husband this. Ask him how the two of you can make sex more playful and relaxing. Ask him what were the three most playful or relaxed sexual experiences of his life. Tell him that you would like to replicate one or all of them with him sometime (if you would). 

Some you may not be able to do, like having sex in the backseat of a car at a drive-in movie. As adults you don't want to be arrested and all the drive in movies in your area have closed. Still you could play a movie on portable computer hooked to your house WiFi while having sex in the backseat of your car in the garage of your house with a sheet tossed over the garage windows. The point is use your imagination to recreate part of the experience and then when it is over laugh about it, giggle, smile and make it playful and fun.

First focus on making sex fun and playful, not perfect. Learn to laugh tease, smile and enjoy. The quality will follow and if the quality doesn't follow at least the close intimate emotional closeness will.

I am sorry that this post may seem negative, but I really do wish you the best. You do have a pretty good understanding of the issues, but I think you aren't recognizing how much you have already communicated with your H.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> We havnt watched porn together. I am not opposed to it, thats actually something I would like to do. I have mentioned it to him before, but it hasnt happened.


Why are you so passive?

If you want to do it, do it. 

If you want some advice on where to find decent stuff, let us know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> The words "I am not sexually satisfied" may have never been spoken, but you probably have communicated your feelings. Your spouse knows you. They often know what you are thinking! They really know what your mood is.
> 
> When you are in a bad mood does your husband either know to give you space or that he reaches out to you and tries to cheer you up? It is because you have non-verbally communicated with him.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the response. I will try these ideas. Your right although we have talked about more, we havent talked numbers so we may not be as on the same page as I think. 
I agree that im sure we communicate alot without words. Thats why Im here. To find the words, so he doesnt have to read my face or body language. I want him to know how I am feeling. And I feel like the more I try to non directly introduce new things, the more it makes him feel like something is wrong. 

As far as him initiating, when he came home and said this, I was happy. Smiled, took his hand and lead him to the bedroom and got on top of him. What would have been better way to handle the situation? I try very hard to never turn him down when he wants sex, because I know that can lead to feeling rejected. Atleast it has for me. Which in turn would make him less interested in sex in general. Sometimes it cant be avoided, but with teenagers its MUCH easier to make time then it was with toddlers. 

The other thing. I have tried to talk to him about his fantasies or best sexual experiences. He isnt very open in my opinion. He will say stuff like I dont have fantasies, or last time we did it. I find this hard to believe. In my opinion, everyone has some type of fantasy. Some bigger and wilder then others. Without me knowing what really gets him going or what type of things he would even like to try make it hard for me to try to do these things. I have also thought maybe he isnt comfortable sharing this info with me. Maybe its fear of rejection, like I feel. What can I do to make him feel more comfortable opening up? In the past when I have asked, i have said things like oh, im sure you have fantasies, One of mine is. Thinking he would chime in after mine, when he didnt I let it go. I didnt want him to feel like it was an interrogation. He doesnt have a lot of experience prior to me, so maybe really doesnt have any ideas or things he would like to try. I would really like to make him feel confident and comfortable. I dont know how to do that, other then just letting it go. Which i have also tried, but it doesnt make things more relaxed and more fun. Thats what got us here.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> Why are you so passive?
> 
> If you want to do it, do it.
> 
> ...


I not really sure why I am so passive. I am starting to see how that is a problem. I am not sure how to change it though. Im not sure how to get the courage to just get up and play some porn or do something new because of the resistance i have felt in the past. I know the only way this is going to get better is for me to find my voice and just take charge. I am just not sure how to do that. I dont want this to make other parts of our relationship harder.
And yes, I would be open to some help finding something decent.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If you want him to share his fantasies, share yours first. 

Or ask him if he likes the idea of seeing you in a schoolgirl uniform. Or playing with yourself. Or whatever. Be explicit; don't be roundabout about it. 

This is why I suggested porn. Sometimes it's easier to admit or realize you like something when it's up there on the screen, and you're obviously both into it, and all you have to say when asked is "yes."

Are you uncomfortable talking about sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> I not really sure why I am so passive. I am starting to see how that is a problem. I am not sure how to change it though. Im not sure how to get the courage to just get up and play some porn or do something new because of the resistance i have felt in the past. I know the only way this is going to get better is for me to find my voice and just take charge. I am just not sure how to do that. I dont want this to make other parts of our relationship harder.
> And yes, I would be open to some help finding something decent.


Again, do you know what you want from your sexuality?

It is yours, after all. 

Do not confuse resistance because you're shy with resistance because he might reject you. 

Be clear where your anxiety is coming from. You can't solve one by looking at the other. 

If you can't tell him what you want, maybe give us some examples of what it is, and we can give you some advice on how to make it known to him. 

For example, regarding porn, do you know what kind of porn you're interested in? Do you have the ability to watch it in bed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> If you want him to share his fantasies, share yours first.
> 
> Or ask him if he likes the idea of seeing you in a schoolgirl uniform. Or playing with yourself. Or whatever. Be explicit; don't be roundabout about it.
> 
> ...


I am comfortable talking about sex generally. He isnt, which does make it a little harder and awkward for me when I can see he feels uncomfortable.
Ive asked about a few different outfits, he says he isnt really into that much. Actually, you have brought up something I totally forgot about. Quite a few years ago now, I had asked about us both playing with ourselves and he was very uncomfortable at the time. At one point I just did it and made him to it. After, he did claim how much he liked it and was no longer awkward about that specific topic anymore.
Maybe I just need to forget all the communication stuff on this one. Find my big girl panties and my confidence and just start making stuff happen. Maybe that will give him the confidence he needs to be able to take control? or show him somethings he does like and would like to do again?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Check out x-art and nubile films and hegre art. 

Some of that is good quality sexy stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> I am comfortable talking about sex generally. He isnt, which does make it a little harder and awkward for me when I can see he feels uncomfortable.
> Ive asked about a few different outfits, he says he isnt really into that much. Actually, you have brought up something I totally forgot about. Quite a few years ago now, I had asked about us both playing with ourselves and he was very uncomfortable at the time. At one point I just did it and made him to it. After, he did claim how much he liked it and was no longer awkward about that specific topic anymore.
> Maybe I just need to forget all the communication stuff on this one. Find my big girl panties and my confidence and just start making stuff happen. Maybe that will give him the confidence he needs to be able to take control? or show him somethings he does like and would like to do again?


I would recommend doing what you like, and continually expressing openness to what he likes. 

Sounds like what happened before was a win. Do it again. 

If you want to wear an outfit, do it. 

If you want to look into porn, get some that interests you and put it on in the bedroom. 

If you want a toy, get one, and let him watch you with it. 

I know it's embarrassing. I know it takes courage. 

But you have teenage children. Your body and sexuality should be playgrounds and you are wise. You're not a blushing bride. You're an experienced sex kitten in her prime years. 

Go for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> Again, do you know what you want from your sexuality?
> 
> It is yours, after all.
> 
> ...


No, I cant say I know exactly what I want from my sexuality. I want my husband to explore that area with me. I want to find out exactly what I want. Maybe thats actually something I need to learn on my own.
I know I want spice. I want more then 2 positions. I want noise. I want talking. I want passion. I want hair pulling. I want to try different toys, different places, id like to explore foreplay, more then just oral. The thing I would absolutely love the most is for him to take control, to 'use me' as he wishes. Obviously, that will take some working up to. Honestly, there isnt anything I wouldnt try at least once.
My shyness is only due to fear of rejection or judgement. If he was open, I dont think i would be shy at all.
Yes, we could watch porn in bed. I personally like a wide variety of porn. Of coarse, I prefer, porn when the man is taking control, body worship, sexual massages the more involved and into the man is the more i typically enjoy it. I dont think this is probably the best type of porn to introduce the first time. I feel like in order for him to get to that place and open up we need to start with something more vanilla or something that he is into so that he is comfortable. And I dont know what that is, which is probably part of the reason, it was only mentioned but I didnt just make it happen.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You're my kinda gal. 

Don't coddle him. Tell him. 

Get him some books on it. Find some slightly kinky porn to give examples. 

Instruct him in what you want. Pick one thing.

Husband, tonight you're going to have sex with me these three ways and why. If you have other ideas, I'd like to know. 

If you're into some of the light bdsm stuff, there's folks here that can help you with that. But I suggest you have a conversation with him about that, or write him a letter. 

Safe word. Limits. And what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I think the problem is you want him to dominate you and telling him what you want directly means you're the one dominating. 

I get it, I want to be dominated too. It's hard to feel like he's in control and throwing you down on the bed if you have to say, "hey, I want you to throw me down" like you're the boss. 

Am I right? It sounds like you want him to lead and be the more powerful one while you explore together what you both like best. 

My suggestion to you is to be very mindful of how competent he feels, because he will not lead and overpower you if he does not feel powerful himself. It sounds to me like you are very caring, want to please your husband, and I bet you are really fantastic in bed if you're so open to so many things.

For whatever reason though (perhaps the years of less sex with all the kids, perhaps his upbringing) he feels insecure. You may try as hard as you can to reassure him and try not to hurt his confidence, but he does not feel like he's performing up to your standards. 

I know this because he's saying it to you directly. If he thought you were fully satisfied he wouldn't say things like, "I guess I'm bad in bed" or "you need toys because I'm not enough for you". 

By the way I think toys and porn may all be great things to spice up your sex life but if they are presented at a time when he feels inadequate he may think they your desire for them is just another reinforcement of his inadequacies. I think it would be great to break out the fun stuff once you are already having more frequent sex and feeling more connected. 

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you respond positively with ANY signs from him that he's taking control. If he does something a little more bold show him through your own physical response how much you like it. Compliment him on how turned on you were when he did x, y, and z. Eventually he may do more and more.

That's just my opinion of this whole situation. I really think you will get things on track if his confidence goes up. He might also be just more of a traditional guy but I bet he'd get into more kinky stuff if you do your best to build him up and reinforce every step he takes in that direction. He sounds like he really wants to please you and that's great because he'll see how much you like certain things and want to do more.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Marduck has given you a lot of great info so far.

I have a couple of questions for you.

When you shared one of your fantasies with him how did he react? what were his facial expressions? Did he look like a deer caught in the headlights?

How is he with oral sex, both giving and receiving? When he is performing oral on you is he really into it or is it half hearted? When you are perfoming oral on him is he really into it?

The answers to these question and his reaction to the other things you have offered, (dressing up, mutual masturbation, using toys etc.) may mean that you got yourself a genuine LD male!


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Always Learning said:


> Marduck has given you a lot of great info so far.
> 
> I have a couple of questions for you.
> 
> ...


When I shared my fantasies with him, he looked like a deer in headlights. He didnt know what to say. Appeared uncomfortable. He said, yea that sounds fun but his body language didnt match that. 

As far as oral, I feel like he gives because he feels like he should or thats what he is suppose to do. I absolutely do not feel like he is one of those guys that enjoys giving. He enjoys seeing me O but I dont think he actually enjoys the trip there as much as Ive heard other men do. As far as receiving, when we met he said he didnt like it at all. Once we were together a while, I just did it anyway. He instantly claimed how much he loved it and had just never had any quality oral prior. He made a statement that no head is better then bad head. Since then, its happens pretty regularly. There is VERY little reaction from him during sex (as far as talking or noises of any sort really), but oral does get the most reaction then anything Ive done up until this point.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

MichelleR said:


> I think the problem is you want him to dominate you and telling him what you want directly means you're the one dominating.
> 
> I get it, I want to be dominated too. It's hard to feel like he's in control and throwing you down on the bed if you have to say, "hey, I want you to throw me down" like you're the boss.
> 
> ...


You have hit the nail right on the head. That is exactly how I feel. 

You are also right about his past and our past being part of the reason he may feel insecure. It just something I have to keep working on I suppose.

I will try your advice. Thank you!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> .......I would really like to make him feel confident and comfortable. I dont know how to do that, other then just letting it go. Which i have also tried, but it doesnt make things more relaxed and more fun. Thats what got us here.


Confidence takes time and lots of positive reinforcement.

One of the things that MW Davis in her books recommends it doing things that make yourself happy. Part of the reason is that you won't be so co-dependent on your spouse. Another reason is that a happy person is just sexier. If you start believing that you are happy, it will show and he will know it. Happiness can be contagious. That is your happiness, laughter and make him happier. 

Another trick used by some is the use of affirmations to communicate with the subconscious mind. You need to be subtle for this to work on your husband. 

For example, if you say to yourself I love Jim and think pleasant relaxing thoughts you will be helping yourself fall in love with Jim. If you verbalize I am beautiful, you will be telling yourself that you are beautiful. This is a way for you to help yourself feel better and more connected to your husband.

You can also use that technique with your partner. You can rub his back to relax him and then say in a soothing voice, I am your loving wife, who wants to make you happy. I want to please you and make you feel loved. You are a strong, loving husband, a great father and my lover. It feels so good when you take me in your arms. While you are talking to him you are actually programming and conditioning his subconscious mind.

Again, if you are subtle it can work.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> You're my kinda gal.
> 
> Don't coddle him. Tell him.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will do that.

Do you happen to have any suggestions for books? Books have helped us prior so I think he may be open to that.

As far as bdsm, Im curious and would like to explore a little. Once I tried to have a conversation, as soon as I said something about being tied up/hand cuffs, he instantly wanted no part of it. So I think its safe to say, thats just not something he is at all interested in.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> When I shared my fantasies with him, he looked like a deer in headlights. He didnt know what to say. Appeared uncomfortable. He said, yea that sounds fun but his body language didnt match that.
> 
> As far as oral, I feel like he gives because he feels like he should or thats what he is suppose to do. I absolutely do not feel like he is one of those guys that enjoys giving. He enjoys seeing me O but I dont think he actually enjoys the trip there as much as Ive heard other men do. As far as receiving, when we met he said he didnt like it at all. Once we were together a while, I just did it anyway. He instantly claimed how much he loved it and had just never had any quality oral prior. He made a statement that no head is better then bad head. Since then, its happens pretty regularly. There is VERY little reaction from him during sex (as far as talking or noises of any sort really), but oral does get the most reaction then anything Ive done up until this point.


The fact is, when you dove into mutual masturbation, so did he. 

I will reflect on my first sexual partner. She found a shy, timid young man in the sack, that had no idea. 

So she taught me about her body. Taught me what she liked. Got me to think about what I wanted from sex, and to talk and ask for it without shame.

A month later she said laughingly to me "uh oh, I've created a monster and unleashed it on the world!"

Now I think your husband will take longer. There's deep grooves there. But deep grooves require turning the wheel hard to get out of them and then you're free of it.

Do a Google search for Dan savage GGG. It's a core philosophy that is well articulated, and loving, and respectful, and playful. It means Good, Giving, and Game for anything within reason. 

It's kind of hard to argue that you should be that way with your partner if you love him.

But I actually have a feeling that with this one you might have a bit of a beast on your hands once you get him there. Just don't shut him down if this happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> Thank you, I will do that.
> 
> Do you happen to have any suggestions for books? Books have helped us prior so I think he may be open to that.
> 
> As far as bdsm, Im curious and would like to explore a little. Once I tried to have a conversation, as soon as I said something about being tied up/hand cuffs, he instantly wanted no part of it. So I think its safe to say, thats just not something he is at all interested in.


Find out why. 

I wasn't either, mostly out of male post feminist guilt. My hang up. 

That I got over. 

@farsidejunky @DayOne @GettingIt what are some good books in this space?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> When I shared my fantasies with him, he looked like a deer in headlights. He didnt know what to say. Appeared uncomfortable. He said, yea that sounds fun but his body language didnt match that.
> 
> As far as oral, I feel like he gives because he feels like he should or thats what he is suppose to do. I absolutely do not feel like he is one of those guys that enjoys giving. He enjoys seeing me O but I dont think he actually enjoys the trip there as much as Ive heard other men do. As far as receiving, when we met he said he didnt like it at all. Once we were together a while, I just did it anyway. He instantly claimed how much he loved it and had just never had any quality oral prior. He made a statement that no head is better then bad head. Since then, its happens pretty regularly. There is VERY little reaction from him during sex (as far as talking or noises of any sort really), but oral does get the most reaction then anything Ive done up until this point.


So again, once you get him going, it happens more regularly and is good and a bit more open. 

I'm sensing a pattern here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> So again, once you get him going, it happens more regularly and is good and a bit more open.
> 
> I'm sensing a pattern here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Yes, as i was typing it out, I thought that to myself. It looks like the current problem is my lack of just doing it!

You really helped give me a different perspective on the situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> Yes, as i was typing it out, I thought that to myself. It looks like the current problem is my lack of just doing it!
> 
> You really helped give me a different perspective on the situation.


In the words of Jim Morrison... "Let there be great golden copulations!"

Your sexuality is a gift. Embrace it for yourself. And then share it with your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Stillgoingstrong said:


> When I shared my fantasies with him, he looked like a deer in headlights. He didnt know what to say. Appeared uncomfortable. He said, yea that sounds fun but his body language didnt match that.
> 
> As far as oral, I feel like he gives because he feels like he should or thats what he is suppose to do. I absolutely do not feel like he is one of those guys that enjoys giving. He enjoys seeing me O but I dont think he actually enjoys the trip there as much as Ive heard other men do. As far as receiving, when we met he said he didnt like it at all. Once we were together a while, I just did it anyway. He instantly claimed how much he loved it and had just never had any quality oral prior. He made a statement that no head is better then bad head. Since then, its happens pretty regularly. There is VERY little reaction from him during sex (as far as talking or noises of any sort really), but oral does get the most reaction then anything Ive done up until this point.


I think he is just either plain old LD or he maybe responsive desire. Either way you have a long journey ahead of you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Still,

What you want is - both normal and healthy. 

For the moment, humor me as we take a stroll outside the bedroom. There are two completely distinct traits worth looking at. Leadership and adventurousness. Outside the bedroom:
- How often does he just take control of a situation
- How often does HE suggest doing something totally new (proactive adventurousness)
- How supportive is he of you, when YOU suggest doing something new? (responsive adventurousness)





Stillgoingstrong said:


> No, I cant say I know exactly what I want from my sexuality. I want my husband to explore that area with me. I want to find out exactly what I want. Maybe thats actually something I need to learn on my own.
> I know I want spice. I want more then 2 positions. I want noise. I want talking. I want passion. I want hair pulling. I want to try different toys, different places, id like to explore foreplay, more then just oral. The thing I would absolutely love the most is for him to take control, to 'use me' as he wishes. Obviously, that will take some working up to. Honestly, there isnt anything I wouldnt try at least once.
> My shyness is only due to fear of rejection or judgement. If he was open, I dont think i would be shy at all.
> Yes, we could watch porn in bed. I personally like a wide variety of porn. Of coarse, I prefer, porn when the man is taking control, body worship, sexual massages the more involved and into the man is the more i typically enjoy it. I dont think this is probably the best type of porn to introduce the first time. I feel like in order for him to get to that place and open up we need to start with something more vanilla or something that he is into so that he is comfortable. And I dont know what that is, which is probably part of the reason, it was only mentioned but I didnt just make it happen.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

Always Learning said:


> I think he is just either plain old LD or he maybe responsive desire. Either way you have a long journey ahead of you.


I am not familiar with responsive desire, I will do a little research here. Thank you!



MEM11363 said:


> Still,
> 
> What you want is - both normal and healthy.
> 
> ...


You are totally right, Im surprised I didnt notice before,

I wouldnt say he ever really "takes control". He usually asks my opinion and we make decisions together. His idea, Id be ok with him being more of a leader, just taking charge.

He does suggest we do lots of things, hardly ever is it something new, that we havnt already done lots of times.

He is however very supportive of anything that I suggest we do. 

I can see that this is pretty similiar to my bedroom situation. Does that mean that is it just who he is and I should accept that?


Is there something I can do to encourage him to be more of a leader? I think his lack of leadership is probably based on him childhood and previous relationships. If i change the dynamic of our relationship will it help change the dynamic of my sex life?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Still,
The truly difficult thing about all this - is that a 'take no prisoners' style isn't super obvious when it's paired with good social skills. 

Take no prisoners - makes for a good CEO, and an exciting lover. 

In the day to day of a partnership, it tends to be very hard on a partner. 





Stillgoingstrong said:


> I am not familiar with responsive desire, I will do a little research here. Thank you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I'm really not sure to be honest. My guess is that even if he isn't as dominant in other areas he may start to really enjoy taking that role sexually once he realizes how much you like it. 

My stepfather is incredibly passive and it works because my mom is extremely controlling. Sometimes she gets frustrated though because in certain situations she wishes he'd be more assertive but part of having a very compliant partner means that he's a pushover in other ways too. I don't want to know about their sex life though so I don't know if he's the same way in the bedroom.

Now my husband is much more dominant in general and at times that can be really hard too. I think either personality has it's pros and cons but my guess is that you can figure out together what you like best sexually and kind of role-play more and more until it eventually feels more natural.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Still, 

You are getting some great advice from folks. What is not clear is if your husband is LD. Is passive or at least tends to be, or insecure. Has he ever not gotten hard or had trouble climaxing?

If he agreed to the porn thing (or at least did not object) then take the lead. Sounds like he may not be comfortable taking the lead, may feel self-conscious, or whatever. Take the initiative. 

I did find it interesting for him to say "bad head is better than no head" coupled with the fact that he responds verbally more to this than any act tells me he likes this, may want more of this or sorry to say for you to work on this. Have you ever finished him this way? 

Many men are shy about fantasies for fear of judgement. I know I am. 

What about sending him naughty texts, phone messages. Having him come home (or walk in the BR or bathroom using a vibrator and asking for help.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Still,

The reason I'm making this observation isn't to say - you can't have some of what you want. I'm guessing you can. 

What might work well is to acknowledge that the template which makes you feel loved outside the bedroom, is a bit different than the one that might produce the most intense sexual experience. 

I'd like to repeat something important here. The exact same gentle, highly collaborative style that produces a thriving co parenting partnership, and a solid friendship, tends to produce a less intense sexual result. 

Now he can likely switch modes to a degree, but its important to recognize that his 'protector circuitry' seems very strong. 





Stillgoingstrong said:


> I am not familiar with responsive desire, I will do a little research here. Thank you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Still,
> 
> You are getting some great advice from folks. What is not clear is if your husband is LD. Is passive or at least tends to be, or insecure. Has he ever not gotten hard or had trouble climaxing?
> 
> ...


He has never had a problem climaxing. However, he NEVER gets hard without me actually doing something. There is never a point that he would just walk up to me with an erection. An erection comes fairly quickly once Im touching, kissing ect. Which is different for me as all past relationships was totally the opposite. It was hard before I could even get close. 

Yes, I have finished him with oral. Its something I do pretty regular, not just when we have sex. I enjoy it as well. Maybe I need to learn some new techniques here.

I have sent naughty texts, feels awkward since he never responds with more then mmmmm, or yea, or cant wait. I haven't had him walk in to see me with a vibrator, because of previous responses I am afraid he will take it the wrong way and get upset instead of excited. 



MEM11363 said:


> Still,
> 
> The reason I'm making this observation isn't to say - you can't have some of what you want. I'm guessing you can.
> 
> ...


That actually makes a lot of sense to me, I hadn't thought of it that way. 

Just cause in my head that switch is easy doesn't mean it is for him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If his 'protector circuitry' is strong, use it, don't fight it.

Be his damsel in distress that needs to be rescued from her bondage. Be his rebellious brat that needs gentle but firm guidance, even if she fights it.

There are all kinds of ways you can leverage your great relationship outside of the bedroom to bring it into the bedroom. Use your imagination.


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## Stillgoingstrong (Jan 14, 2016)

marduk said:


> If his 'protector circuitry' is strong, use it, don't fight it.
> 
> Be his damsel in distress that needs to be rescued from her bondage. Be his rebellious brat that needs gentle but firm guidance, even if she fights it.
> 
> There are all kinds of ways you can leverage your great relationship outside of the bedroom to bring it into the bedroom. Use your imagination.


Thats exactly what I plan to do  

Thanks for all the great advise. 

Hopefully, once I step up and just start taking the lead, things will get easier from there.


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