# What do get out of counselling



## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

My wife has threatened me divorce multiple times during 20 years of our marriage. We have three kids, 11, 11 and 18
1. In 2011 we got twins and she had to stop working ?
2. She started working again 2016 and made no more than minimum wage working 40 hours week for 5 years
3. This year her income has suddenly tripled with a few hours increase. But she also works till 8 pm every weekday night and weekend. She has no time to play a game or teach kids anything. When twins were 9, she taught them how to fry their own eggs and now she saves all time to do the chores which kids can do
4. In all these years she has become more and more bitter, pushing most household tasks like cooking, grocery, etc on me
5. Last 17 years I have worked two jobs in addition to managing household bills, investments, insurances , repairs renewals etc. At one point when we had 30K household debt she still refused to look for a better paying job
6. For a few years now her girl friends have become central part of her life. One particular girl friend is so important that she cancelled our twins birthday last year to attend her party. She also skipped our daughter's 18th birthday to be with her friend. Her friend has "acknowledged in a so called joke" she being the mistress ( third person) in our marriage
7. After years of trying all approaches she went for 4 sessions of counselling last year . Then she stopped. In return, I stopped going to parties with her to her friends house
8.. I have serious differences with my wife over parenting issues. Her friends like to host only couples parties which start at 9 pm and go till 2 am. I do not want to leave my kids to party with folks whom I do not particularly like anymore. She sends kids off for 2 days weekend sleepover with this friends kids without consulting me

My wife has finally agreed to go on counselling again. But I am not sure "what my ask" should be.
My wish list includes
1. Stop working on weekend and be with the kids
2. Come home on weekdays by 6 pm and be with the kids
3. Play board games or something else with kids to wean them away from devices. She allows them on devices till 11 pm in summer and all day no restrictions
4. Work with me on family budget
5.Find new friends whose different from the current friends whose only motto is not have 2-3 parties every weekend without kids

How realistic is my wish list and how can I bring these up to make counselling sessions successful


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

to respond to you can you tell us what input your putting into the family life
how much time are you spending with the children ,
you said you have 2 jobs can you cut back to one ,
you have posted a list of demands but there has to be give and take and we don't see the give side , 
the best help we can be is to you the poster and how you can be helped as information is first hand ,
I am sorry but your post is incomplete can you give your side of you relationship how you see you roll 
on your wife's job she is working from what time in the morning 
how many hours 
and her job is filling more than just a income roll , it is part of her helps a person to feel good about them self


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> to respond to you can you tell us what input your putting into the family life
> how much time are you spending with the children ,
> you said you have 2 jobs can you cut back to one ,
> you have posted a list of demands but there has to be give and take and we don't see the give side ,
> ...



I have worked from home last 14 years and have been always around doing stuff at home. I drop kids to school every morning. I used to pick them up grade K to 2nd, when they started going to afterschool. I teach them music twice a week. I teach them our native Indian language once or twice a week . I give them snacks when they are back from school

I cook couples of meals every week. I do groceries twice a week. My mother lives with us. She does dishes, cooking and laundry. 11-years old twins as I mentioned earlier have been trained to do mopping in the kitchen and fix microwave meals for themselves

I also pay all family bills, family investments, annual research and renewal of insurances, home maintenances, front and back yard gardening projects, plan family vacations - set schedules, Do family budgets which my wife is not interested in participating in

Currently my second job takes no more than 10 hours a week.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You get a large therapy bill and eventually pay for divorce as well.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

andyannu said:


> My wife has threatened me divorce multiple times during 20 years of our marriage. We have three kids, 11, 11 and 18
> 1. In 2011 we got twins and she had to stop working ?
> 2. She started working again 2016 and made no more than minimum wage working 40 hours week for 5 years
> 3. This year her income has suddenly tripled with a few hours increase. But she also works till 8 pm every weekday night and weekend. She has no time to play a game or teach kids anything. When twins were 9, she taught them how to fry their own eggs and now she saves all time to do the chores which kids can do
> ...


Your expectations and boundaries are up to you. 
What you will and won’t tolerate in your marriage is up to you. 

If you need a 3rd party authority figure (councilor) to set expectations and boundaries in your marriage, then YOU are a big part of the problem. (Not saying counseling never has a place, but a counselor isn’t going to solve this problem for you).

You are not leading your marriage. Sounds like there’s a definite power imbalance in your marriage, and it’s not in your favor. That’s on you.

How’s your sexual dynamic by the way?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

andyannu said:


> My wife has finally agreed to go on counselling again. But I am not sure "what my ask" should be.
> My wish list includes
> 1. Stop working on weekend and be with the kids
> 2. Come home on weekdays by 6 pm and be with the kids
> ...


Your "ask"??

*That's not what counselling is*. It's not mediation. (And if you find a counsellor who tries to arbitrate on demands from each side, they are not a skilled marriage counsellor). Even if you get all those things on your list, the resentment is just going to get worse!

So set aside your "ask", for now, and try to understand what is happening between you.



andyannu said:


> In all these years she has become more and more bitter


Any idea why?



andyannu said:


> I have serious differences with my wife over parenting issues.


So _what happens_ when the two of you try to discuss this?



> My mother lives with us.


I wonder if this might be part of it?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

andyannu said:


> I have worked from home last 14 years and have been always around doing stuff at home. I drop kids to school every morning. I used to pick them up grade K to 2nd, when they started going to afterschool. I teach them music twice a week. I teach them our native Indian language once or twice a week . I give them snacks when they are back from school
> 
> I cook couples of meals every week. I do groceries twice a week. My mother lives with us. She does dishes, cooking and laundry. 11-years old twins as I mentioned earlier have been trained to do mopping in the kitchen and fix microwave meals for themselves
> 
> ...


so if I am right you do none of the things you want your wife to do , well you could get a divorce and then 2 weeks out of 4 you get to do as you think fit and she does her thing for her 2 weeks


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Was this an arranged marriage?


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Your expectations and boundaries are up to you.
> What you will and won’t tolerate in your marriage is up to you.
> 
> If you need a 3rd party authority figure (councilor) to set expectations and boundaries in your marriage, then YOU are a big part of the problem. (Not saying counseling never has a place, but a counselor isn’t going to solve this problem for you).
> ...


We have no sexual issues. Most sexual needs are met by each partner


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Your "ask"??
> 
> *That's not what counselling is*. It's not mediation. (And if you find a counsellor who tries to arbitrate on demands from each side, they are not a skilled marriage counsellor). Even if you get all those things on your list, the resentment is just going to get worse!
> 
> ...


When we try to discuss she refuses to acknowledge anything. It is always her way or highway. I get mad and then it becomes a yelling match

Yes I understand my mother is part of it. We come from Indian Culture where parents live with us. Her mother lived with us for about 2 years during Covid. Her mother also has lived with us 6 months to a year, 4 times in previous 20 years. I have always largely supported her mother . I expect her to treat my mother with same kindness but all she gives out is hate


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## andyannu (Jul 5, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Your "ask"??
> 
> *That's not what counselling is*. It's not mediation. (And if you find a counsellor who tries to arbitrate on demands from each side, they are not a skilled marriage counsellor). Even if you get all those things on your list, the resentment is just going to get worse!
> 
> ...



And that is my question. How should I approach this upcoming counselling ?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

andyannu said:


> And that is my question. How should I approach this upcoming counselling ?





andyannu said:


> When we try to discuss she refuses to acknowledge anything. It is always her way or highway. I get mad and then it becomes a yelling match


Okay, it depends if your marriage counsellor is any good. What you should aim to do is discuss that dynamic. Where she refuses to acknowledge, and you get mad. 

So briefly, you might say: "_I have concerns about how we are doing parenting. And when I try to talk about it, you refuse to listen, and then we both start yelling". _And then keep quiet. 

My guess is -- I could be wrong -- that you are concerned about whether she cares about YOU. But, you don't feel entitled to say that, so instead you talk about the kids. 

Don't bring up the list of stuff you do around the house. Try to use the counselling to find out where her head is at.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

I remember your story from when you posted last year. Your wife has a hair salon business that you kept referring to as a 'minimum wage job' over and over. You seemed very caught up about it. Now it's earning decent money, and she is getting more independent. It looks like she has already made up her mind about your marriage, and is just riding the wave until it's actually over. I am not sure that marriage counseling is going to fix it, unless she is actually onboard with that idea and dedicated. It doesn't sound like she is.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Good luck with counseling. I never got anything out of it when I’ve tried it. To me it was a waste of money as it didn’t help.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What do you abd your wife do as a couple? Just you and her? You need to realize tha people do what they want to do. She wants to hang out with friends until 2am. You don’t sound fun to hang out with. You make her sound awful. She probably is. But you married her. What changed? Start inviting her on cheap dates and such. Fun stuff. Either she falls on love with hanging out with you again or just accept how things are and divorce. Also, you are partially responsible for living beyond your means. Fix that. No griping. Just fix it

things won’t change unless things change.
A marriage counselor is pointless for your problems because you don’t understand how to give consequences for bs behavior without attacking and making it personal.

one good thing you did was stop going to parties when she stopped counseling. She’s now going back to counseling. Of course, late parties alone create problems too


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mr.Married said:


> You get a large therapy bill and eventually pay for divorce as well.


You’ll help the counselors kids college fund.
Make a decision or live with what you’ve got.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Don't bring up the list of stuff you do around the house. Try to use the counselling to find out where her head is at.


100% agree with this! My STBX and I did 90 minute counseling sessions and we (her mostly) spent 85 of those minutes rehashing every detail of arguments we had that bothered her. So basically I paid the counselor $275 per session to listen to us.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If you're going into counseling hoping the therapist will tell your spouse that everything is his/her fault and you're right about everything and there is nothing for you to change, then you won't get anything out of counseling. If you go into it thinking that it's a waste of time, it will be. You have to be open to sharing some responsibility for the state of the marriage, for making the marriage work and for changing your behaviors as well as clearly expressing the behaviors of your spouse that upset you. You also have to be prepared to find a new counselor if the one you choose at first isn't working for both of you. If you don't see your marriage as a team effort, then no amount of therapy is going to fix it.

In the case of the OP, based on his past posts, counseling will likely not help. He is looking for the therapist to tell his wife she is a bad wife who needs to do what he wants and never question him. That is unlikely to happen.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You have to be open to sharing some responsibility for the state of the marriage, for making the marriage work and for changing *your* behaviors


Yes, this exactly.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I get new ideas about what I can change to make any relationship healthier.
I work on boundaries and having a voice…speaking my truth.


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## workfromhomedad (5 mo ago)

Sounds like your marriage is kind of one sided.


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