# Why the anxiety?



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Its been 2 years since my divorce. I have a 50/50 arrangement with the ex, where we swap the kid for a week at a time with each of us. In these two years, one would think that you would eventually "get over", or "become complacent" with the times when you have to deliver the kid or pick up the kid from the ex's house, but for some reason, I still get that nausea feeling when I know I have to go over there to either pickup or dropoff.
I dont know why.

I dont expect trouble or anything, there hasnt been any. For some reason though I feel like it does when a grade school bully says he's going to get you after school... Thats about the closest I can come to describing the feeling. 

I dont miss the ex, dont really care about what she has going on these days. I stay to myself in regards to her, and have always limited contact. 
It just sucks though. Today starts the school year, and when I have my kid, I still have to drop her off in the morning before school and pick her up on the way home from work at the old family home.

Maybe Im just a puss or something. Not being able to isolate and diffuse that feeling makes me feel like a weak person.
I dont know what to make of that sinking stomach feeling,,, even after all this time..


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoo, I get that same feeling and like you I really cannot make any sense of it. I am finding that I have some unresolved feelings that need to be dealt with before I can completely move on. I'm not interested in living the rest of my life feeling even remotely jaded, bitter, and resentful. 

I'll actually be anxious (no pun intended) to hear other's opinions on this issue.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

As far as I know, and I know little, anxiety is rooted in FEAR. FEAR stands for Future Events Appear Real. Fears can be real or imagined. Some fears can be intangible and may be more subconscious. 

Sounds like to me that you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I get the same feeling when I go to my ex. Just the unpredictability of what could happen at the lion's den I figure.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

What age are your kids? We do 50/50 are rarely go to each others houses because our change over is at school. So I would drop them at school AM and he picks them up PM to start his time.

Works well for us even though we are amicable and have no problem going to each others houses. Is actually much simpler logistically, less driving.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Shoo,

Might I suggest that you take 45-60 minutes alone and spend some quiet time contemplating what could be at the core of this feeling. If you can name it, you can deal with it and that would be a great relief, I'm sure.

Ask yourself questions like:

What is the worst thing that could happen at the exchange?
What do I envision for myself in the next 5-10 years? for my ex? for our kids?
Do I feel guilty for divorcing? (religious-based, family-based, community-based guilt?)
Can I see the possibilities for a better life that ending the marriage may have given our children? (no more watching bickering/fighting, less tension, better role modeling)
Do I view myself as a 'loser' for being divorced? a quitter?
Do I believe others who are important to me (parents/siblings) view me this way?
Have I accepted the end of "the dream"? Do I realize I can now create a new dream?
Do I fear that my children are damaged? unforgiving of myself and their mother? more likely to divorce?
Am I afraid the children are choosing sides? being brain-washed/manipulated?
Hopefully, questions like these will help you zero in on what EXACTLY is making you feel nauseous and tense over the exchanges. Once you can admit to yourself (or see in black/white on paper) what the REAL ISSUE is that is bothering you, you can fight it with logic and a balanced viewpoint on your family.

Good luck, Shoo!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I still hate seeing the ex and I'm relieved every time it's over and it's been 10 years. Of course in my case he just MAY start an argument or put me on the spot so I usually stay in the car and let kiddo come to me/go to him unless it's raining and she has multiple bags, etc.

In my case just his presence (or in yours the house) triggers old negative emotions. Life without him is simply so much more pleasant. I don't over analyze this one personally.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shoo, my armchair psychologist diagnosis says that while you may say you feel nothing for her, my bet is there are still unresolved, underlying issues. You are still hurt.

This all goes back to the fact that she ended it and the fact that she moved on so quickly to another man. Doe she live at your marital home? Or do they live together?

That is EXTRA salt int he wound, my dear.

And I think you would be less than human if you didn't still have heart pain, even two years afterwards. 

It's normal. In time, my friend. In time... you will heal completely. It takes some of us a little longer. Don't begrudge yourself for it. Just live.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with SGW it's fear based. Seeing your ex triggers you and to fix it means digging deep to find its source. This is easier said than done. Once you identify the fear you then work through it and come up with strategies to help you cope.

I had a friend who triggered on Sundays because that was her husbands day off and they argued. Even though the marriage is over her body still reacts as if he's going to yell at her simply because its Sunday. 

I have PTSD so I'm all to familiar with anxiety ridden triggers that make no sense....until they do.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

JB, 
Yes she lives in the marital home, and moved a guy in 3 months after I moved out. He now lives there full time. That does add insult to injury. All statements made by her in terms of future intentions: (where the kid would go to school, where they will be moving after the marital house was to be sold (which is this month, but she is not selling, and hasnt discussed anything about it with me). I looked around in her anticipated area of living, going by where she wanted the kid to go to school.. I found an affordable place and moved in. Now she says she never said anything about wanting my kid to go to school in this area. Just a flat out lie. 
With the house not being sold, and her not moving over to my area as she had said, I find myself unable to trust a thing she says. Anything she writes to me via txt I ask her to send me an email, so I have a record of it. 
I feel like every time i am around her it is a chance for her to manipulate the situation where I end up getting screwed in some way or another. I dont like being available to such affects by her decisions, but with the kid involved, its impossible not to be at risk.
So there is the "Fear" element. The risk I perceive because she is a liar, and goes back on her word, and is not stable. 

It turns out that her staying in the marital home, really works better for me in terms of logistics. Getting the kid back and forth has not changed, even though she goes to a new school. The bus stops over at the old house, so that removes a source of pressure I had about how far she might move, or if I would be able to get the kid back and forth in time... 

I simply want to control my own life, and not have the shtty actions of others able to have any effect, especially that woman.
But its more like playing a waiting game to find out wtf is next.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yep, him moving in so soon into YOUR marital home after your left is directly correlated to the anxiety you feel when you go over there. It would be hard enough to muster had she just been single but she moved a man in there so soon afterward so that is like pouring gasoline on a fire. 

So sorry you went through that, Shoo. I think it takes a very impulsive kind of person to do such a thing. It is crazy to me what she did. Some people!

Don't worry so much about her and focus on you and your kids. Let her fall into her own brew.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shoo, just like you I have a sense of unease whenever it comes to facing my ex. I sincerely don't care what she thinks, I only care about how she acts towards me when we have to communicate and make parenting decisions together.

That is not where the anxiety stems from for me. For me the anxiety has to do with the basic fact that my child has two separate homes, one of which I have no part in, the other in which my son is only half present. The anxiety/sadness comes from knowing he does not have atleast the security of a family home, as I came to know as a child. Instead he has two places that he has to learn to fit into, and it is perfectly normal that I still grieve this for him, I will grieve this his entire childhood. 

Every time I have to come into contact with his other home it is a painful reminder of all of this. And the fact that there is another man stepping into the role of the head of the household there certainly exacerbates it, but is not the core of the issue for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

oh also, regarding having a record of SMS/text files she sends you, if you use Android then get SMS Backup+ and it will automatically back up your texts to your gmail account.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"For me the anxiety has to do with the basic fact that my child has two separate homes, one of which I have no part in, the other in which my son is only half present. The anxiety/sadness comes from knowing he does not have atleast the security of a family home, as I came to know as a child..."

---Man i soooo get this.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I was picking D12 up at ex's and POSOM's house. Getting extreme anxiety and afraid what I might do if POSOM was outside. 

Finally told ex that we have to do pickups at neutral spot, and when I get there I park so as not to see her. Made a huge difference.


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