# all i do is hurt people



## jennyb0519 (Sep 26, 2008)

I have been stuck in this crazy cycle for so long now and I can't figure out how to fix this horrible mess! I have been with my daughters father for 4 years. The relationship had been going downhill for a while. I was a stay at home mom, he made all the money, everything was his, nothing was mine. Soon after my 21st birthday I started realizing that I needed to have a life of my own. I had been with him since i was 17 and didn't want to spend my whole life in a relationship that wasn't what i had pictured. Pretty much I figured that i didn't want to settle with what was easy and that I never had that chance to find that one person. He had just asked me to marry him and even though I had been waiting on it for so long, instead of being thrilled, I was pretty freaked out. I left him. I didn't think that anything I did would ever hurt him. And he didn't act like it did. I moved back in with my dad and started working and feeling like my own person again. I waited and waited for him to ask me to come home. He never did. We got along great as friends and I thought that we were going to make great parents together. Then I met robert. He was everything that I had pictured that day. He loves 80's music. I die laughing when he belts it out in the car while we're driving! He can't sleep unless we are wrapped around each other. He has the most amazing blue eyes. He loves me so much and he tells me all the time. We had the best 3 months I ever had in my life. As soon as my ex found out about him he started keeping my daughter away from me. He said that his daughter would never be around another man. My entire family would not accept that robert was anything more than a phase and that eventually I would get my head on strait and come home. It got to me and I started thinking that I needed to come back and be with my daughter 100% of the time. I broke it off with robert and came back. 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I knew it was roberts. I told my ex (at the time we were together though) and he immediatley told me to leave. Robert and I started seeing each other again. We were excited about the baby. I miscarried at 3 months. We stayed together and got through it together. He stayed by my side at the hospital the whole time. A couple months later my ex decided that he wanted me back again and since i wasn't letting him get to me he filed custody paperwork on me. My life kinda fell apart when i lost that baby. It still kills me everyday. A week later my ex came to talk to me. He told me that if i he wanted me to come back and if i didn't he would do anything he could to keep her away from me. I fell for it and I left robert again! My life is back to the way it used to be now. My day is cleaning house and doing dishes! A few weeks ago I went to my home town to visit and while i was out I ran into robert. I ended up leaving with him and spending the next three days at his house. After I left I couldn't get his face out of my mind. I couldn't even sleep in the same bed as my daughters father. I went back the next week and spent another few days. We laid in bed and talked for hours. He is so hurt by what i have done to him. He is the person who I used to dream about meeting. When I am at home I don't have to worry about bills or not being with my daughter. But when I am with him i feel like i am free to be the person I was supposed to be. I hate going back and forth, not being able to figure out how to fix this. Its like no matter what I do I hurt somebody. I think he is that person I was supposed to be with. But I can't leave again right now. I have no where to live up there and I can't leave my daughter again. I don't want to stay just because its easy. I would give anything to be able to do what makes me happy but I am obligated to live up to what I am supposed to be. I am so confused


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

you're daughters father sounds very controlling. Robert sounds like a decent guy.

Sorry that you had a miscarriage, my wife had 2, and her sister had 5, They are part of a womans life, it just means something was wrong with the fetus and that the body took care of it. It's just menatlly tough, but you can get through it.


What you need to do, is sit down with your parents, and tell them what is going on, that you need their help and thier support, your family support.

IF you are not happy, you need to find happiness.

Do not let others DICTATE your happiness. Get a job and get custody of your daughter, he will ahve to pay child support and alimony (until you get remarried) then just child support.

Tell your parents you want to divorce him, file the paperwork and take care of it.

Once you are divorced I would hold off on getting married for at least 2 years or having another child, need to take care of your emotional health first, you are still young and have plenty of time for children.

Seriously, get help from your family.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

First, your number one priority needs to be your daughter. It has probably been extremely difficult for her each time you take off & each time you do it, you risk her father gaining sole custody should you split up in the end. Until you sort things out, be there for your daughter.

I'm not sure if you're saying your daughter's father is controlling when you live with him or if it is because in that situation you have not worked. If it's the latter, maybe getting a job there will give you the independence you crave & some freedom to be outside of the house. Otherwise, you said you were getting along great as friends when you were staying at your dad's so do you see hope for a future with him? I understand that Robert is clouding those thoughts but I can also understand your daughter's father's frustration with your taking off and trying to put his foot down in that situation, although I don't agree with him using your daughter as a threat. 

I would suggest trying to find happiness and independence while staying with your daughter and then figure out what you want from the relationship side. Until you feel a sense of freedom and the ability to take care of yourself, I'm afraid you will continue to flip-flop between the two for the wrong reasons (from one taking care of your financial needs to the other taking care of your emotional needs)...try to get those needs taken care of on your own first so you don't feel so trapped.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

It sounds like your poor daughter is a pawn in all this. You need your family support. I think what I would do for my daughter is stay with her dad and document everything. Every date that he says that he is going to take her away from you. Have a paper trail, keep it somewhere safe. Get your ducks in a row and possibly go on the fact that he will try to alienate your child from you. There is a list of things that you have to meet to be "in the best interest of a child" look at what that is in your state. Have witnesses, if possible when he is talking about taking your child away. I would end it with Robert, whether he makes you feel good, or is supportive because it will not look good if this becomes a custudy issue and you left your daughter with the dad to be with Robert. If your marriage is destined to fail let it, but do not be the cause of that failure. You can walk away knowing that you did everything in your power to help your daughter first. These are the things I would do. I would dot my i's a cross my t's and get my stuff in order. Acting on a whim isn't going to help you get away from someone who controls you. It takes time and planning.

Good Luck!!!


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## jennyb0519 (Sep 26, 2008)

thanks for all the advice. Its already in my head but i do tend to make spur of the moment decisions and not thinking about the long term. I don't really have my parents to fall back on anymore. They separated about a year ago. My dad kicked me out so that his new girlfriend could move in with her 3 kids. I was older and he said that I needed to figure it out. My parents were married for 28 years and my mom always stayed home. Now that they aren't together she has nothing. She doesn't have a career, no money. She lives in a tiny one bedroom apartment and is always asking my husband for money to pay bills. While my dad moves on with his new family and forgets about his own kids even. I don't ever want to end up like that. Robert and I haven't talked for a week and its driving me crazy. I think he has finally had enough of this. He told me that he has been waiting this whole time to decide between the two of them. He hasn't called. He has been my best friend for so long and we have never stopped talking through all of this. I miss him so much. Im trying to be happy here. I wish that this still made me happy. I can tell that Ryan really sees what he did wrong all this time. He has changed so much. I just cannot let go of all the horrible things that happened over the past 4 years. A few days after I left the first time I came back and told him I made a mistake. He told me that he didn't love me and that i just needed to move on. Thats the kind of stuff that won't get out of my head. I can't just click back into that cookie cutter house wife life. I try getting jobs and it always interferes with our life. And since his job is the most important I always end up having to quit. It sounds selfish when i think it in my head but what i hate the most about this situation is that everything is about our life. I want to think about my life. I am only 21 years old. Most people my age are living in dorm rooms and going to school. I have been a house wife since i was 17! I can't even figure out what it is i want to do with my life at this point. I am always thinking about what i need to do to make other people happy.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

Okay, I am glad that Robert is on the back burner. I think you also see what has happened to your mom. I don't think you want that to happen to you, but you are going down the same road that she did. I am a stay at home mom, but I was an RN first. I had my career because if anything happened to my partner (my first died when I was 28) I wanted to be able to take care of myself. Luckily I went into college from high school. It sounds like he doesn't want you to be able to do that. I have a couple of ideas for you. If you want to stay there, I think you need to work on you. I think, since you are still young, I would ask your hubby if you could take some extra classes here and there. (If you need your GED get it, you can use it on the premise later if something ever happens to your husband how will I be able to support our daughter. (use me as an example as someone you know who was 28, her husband died of brain cancer) Maybe take on-line courses to improve who you are for you. Volunteering works, I volunteer at my kids' school. I am not sure with his control issues if he would let you do this. But I would certainly have a plan B to make things work for you if your marriage isn't. I would also seek a councelor (without him) to help you with your issues. I would seek some sort of spiritual councelling and or a woman support group in your area. Make friends with other moms with kids your child's age and get that network of friends working with you and helping you. The more that other people see you interacting with your child and what a good mommy you are the better in case this does become a custudy issue. I would open my network beyond my family and have other support available. That is just me--Good luck.


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