# Would like advice - Wife doesn't work, no kids



## iameugene

Hi all. I'm very new to these forums & I pretty much signed up to get an opinion on what I should do. I'm pretty sure this has been discussed to death before but I believe every case is different due to whatever underlying factors there may be, so here goes.

I've been married to my wife for what would soon be 4 years. We've known each other for about 6 and were introduced by mutual friends. We're both educated & we live in a rented 3 bedroom apartment in the city & my work is a 10 minute walk away from where I live. We have no kids (but we have a dog) & I understand that she doesn't want kids either (it was something we had already discussed before marriage & we both agreed not to have kids). We have a maid that does all the cleaning & laundry for us.

The reason why I'm writing this is, I'm not really happy that she's, well, lazy! She doesn't do anything at all. She stays at home all day & watches the telly. She's "tried" working before (after much insistence from me - plus, I had to pull strings to get her that job, it was for a national carrier) but resigned after a year as she said that it was stressing her out. Being the softie that I am I told her that it was ok & she could take her time finding a new job since I could support the both of us on my pay package. 

BIG MISTAKE on my part. She hasn't found a job since (this was 3 years ago) & she always gives the same reasons ("I don't like stress", "The salary is so low", "I don't have a future in that Company" etc etc). I'm actually a departmental head in the Company I work for & I've told her that if she wanted, I could have a chat with our HR guy & she'd be able to get a job, but she was like "Oh no, I know how stressful it is working there" etc.

So, like I said, she stays at home all day. Doesn't go out, at all (unless I bring her out). I buy or cook dinner every single blo*dy night (she can't cook). We once ran out of drinking water in our apartment & there was a grocery store right opposite the road. She actually phoned me while I was at work to say that we've run out of drinking water & that she & the dog were thirsty. I had to basically drop everything, walk 10 minutes back, get water for her & run back to work.

So, my mom came to visit me today since my wife is on holiday. She goes off somewhere with her brother/ friends every 3 or 4 months, and yes I have to pay for it. And I basically talked about all these grievances with my mom. My mom also took the initiative & spoke to our maid and interestingly, our maid actually told my mom what a "lazy b**ch" my wife was (actual words), of how I have to work, cook dinner & all she does is sit around watching T.V.

Ok so, now, my mom is asking me to seriously re-consider this marriage. I was shrugging it off today until my wife called me at night (after my mom went back) & told me that she needed more money. I then asked her what happened and she went on to rant about how her sister's husband just bought her a house & now they have 2 houses and why won't I buy her this/ that etc etc (technically, I found out that it was her husband's dad that bought the house, and yes, the dad is loaded, a legislator or politician or something) and she actually told me that if i had no money, I should beg, borrow or steal it from my family (I said no & she complained about how cheap my parents were compared to her sister's husband).

At that point I think I snapped. I just shut my mouth, told her I wasn't feeling well & that I'd call her tomorrow. Right now, I seriously don't know if I should consider divorcing her or not. I love my parents-in-law (they're really great people, really understanding folk) but their daughter just sucks! Since my mom is already asking me to think about separation, I assume my parents would be ok with it, I'm just worried about how it would affect my parents-in-law.

So yes, there's my story. Kudos to those that have went through all of this and sincere apologies about the wall of text. I would really appreciate any thoughts, comments or opinion on the matter and again to all here, thank you.


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## PBear

Does she make you lie on the floor when she comes into the house so she can wipe her feet on you? Two words for you. Door and Mat. 

So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides an empty bank account? Was she always an entitled princess? Are you from the same culture?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iameugene

Well, she wasn't entirely like this prior to us walking down the aisle. I guess part of me secretly wishes that she'd go back to being that girl I met 6 years ago.

Also, I get someone who would laugh at my corny jokes and being able to listen to me rant on about what a terribly bad day I had at work.

And yes, we're from the same culture. We're both Asian, although I had the benefit of having been able to live in both the UK, Spain & in various Asian countries. Oh, don't know if that helps but my mom was from the UK (but she's also Asian), so, her mindset/ opinions might be more western based rather than what I'd call a traditional asian mindset.


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## wilderness

Don't give her another penny. Don't cook another dinner for you. If you want to eat, cook for yourself and that's it. As a matter of fact, give her 2 weeks to find a job and if she doesn't bother to look, put a lock on the refrigerator. Dump the maid. Get tough.


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## Mavash.

Stop feeding the parasite that is masquerading as your wife.

Good grief.


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## Married but Happy

Do you have joint accounts? Move the money to one in your name only, and use a different bank just to be safer. Joint credit cards? Remove her authorization, or cancel the cards and get new ones. If necessary, get her one with a low and strict credit limit, OR even better, give her a debit card tied to a joint account which you fund with a limited amount each month for all her reasonable expenses.

Tell her she can have more once she's working and/or helping more around the house. Don't be nasty about it, just be firm and encouraging. She'll probably hate you and rant regardless, but that's normal for a spoiled child.


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## iameugene

wilderness said:


> Don't give her another penny. Don't cook another dinner for you. If you want to eat, cook for yourself and that's it. As a matter of fact, give her 2 weeks to find a job and if she doesn't bother to look, put a lock on the refrigerator. Dump the maid. Get tough.


Thanks for your thoughts Wilderness. I've actually tried the "no cash" route & that kinda failed horribly. She called her parents, who then called my parents who then called me and I was obliged to send my parents-in-law money so that they could send their daughter money (it's a culture thing. Stupid yes, I know).

Again, my problem is not with the in-laws, it's with their daughter. My dad/ mom would probably be ok with me divorcing my wife, though I'm not too sure what my kind folks in Korea might think.:scratchhead:


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## iameugene

Married but Happy said:


> Do you have joint accounts? Move the money to one in your name only, and use a different bank just to be safer. Joint credit cards? Remove her authorization, or cancel the cards and get new ones. If necessary, get her one with a low and strict credit limit, OR even better, give her a debit card tied to a joint account which you fund with a limited amount each month for all her reasonable expenses.
> 
> Tell her she can have more once she's working and/or helping more around the house. Don't be nasty about it, just be firm and encouraging. She'll probably hate you and rant regardless, but that's normal for a spoiled child.


Thanks for the advice MBH. We don't have joint accounts. All cash is handled by me, but she does have my cards so she can withdraw at any time. She said it's so that "in an emergency", she would have cash. Obviously, since she doesn't work she has 0 in her own bank account.

I've already tried talking to her about working again. She is educated, with a degree in Journalism and she could get a job easy, I just have no idea why she doesn't want to get off her but*! And well, all guys hate ranting women I guess. If I were to force this upon her I'd probably get weeks or months of *OMG*. Honestly, the whole reason I allowed her to quit her previous job & stay at home was because she complained about it....every...single....fkn day!


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## iameugene

Mavash. said:


> Stop feeding the parasite that is masquerading as your wife.
> 
> Good grief.


Hi Mav. I'd really like you opinion on this but, really, do you think she's masquerading as my wife?

I mean, I know she's a parasite, I just don't know if she really loves me anymore. She says she does (& she hasn't been seeing anyone on the side - did my homework, got a PI & it all checked out). So, I'm really in a dilemma. I'm not sure if it's money she's after, or if she really loves me, or if she's just putting on this whole show for her parents (and yes, they're loaded as well).


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## wilderness

iameugene said:


> Thanks for your thoughts Wilderness. I've actually tried the "no cash" route & that kinda failed horribly. She called her parents, who then called my parents who then called me and I was obliged to send my parents-in-law money so that they could send their daughter money (it's a culture thing. Stupid yes, I know).
> 
> Again, my problem is not with the in-laws, it's with their daughter. My dad/ mom would probably be ok with me divorcing my wife, though I'm not too sure what my kind folks in Korea might think.:scratchhead:


Dude, tell her parents to go fly a kite. And close all of your accounts that she has access to, like tomorrow. You are not 'obliged' to send your parents in law money- c'mon, now I don't care what culture you are from. Stop being a doormat and take back control of your life.


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## iameugene

wilderness said:


> Dude, tell her parents to go fly a kite. And close all of your accounts that she has access to, like tomorrow. You are not 'obliged' to send your parents in law money- c'mon, now I don't care what culture you are from. Stop being a doormat and take back control of your life.


Right ok, I've heard the term "doormat" twice now. So....ok, well, I'd like to know:

A) Was or am I a bad husband?
B) Am i really being taken for a ride on this one?
C) I'm a doormat, like, really? I mean, am I really that bad?


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## PBear

I don't know if you're a bad husband or not, but I'd say "hell ya!" To the other two questions. 

Go download a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see how many checkboxes you hit. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iameugene

PBear said:


> I don't know if you're a bad husband or not, but I'd say "hell ya!" To the other two questions.
> 
> Go download a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and see how many checkboxes you hit.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Pbear! Thanks for the tip. I've read that before & I'm a certified "nice guy". Unfortunately, I'm not a "nice guy" at work and that's probably why 99% of the staff hate me, but I get things done. I've told her before about this & I'm not sure if she's milking me regarding the whole "nice guy" thing but I sure as hell hope she's not. But if you think she is, please, your honest opinion is going to mean a lot


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## GutPunch

She only does what you allow.


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## iameugene

GutPunch said:


> She only does what you allow.


I'd say, she does what she allows.


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## GutPunch

iameugene said:


> I'd say, she does what she allows.


I don't think so. Quit your job and see how long she lets you sit on the couch.


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## PBear

iameugene said:


> I'd say, she does what she allows.


That's because you've enabled her to do as she pleases. If you stopped paying for the maid, stopped obeying her whims, stopped giving in to pressure from your parents, she'd have no choice but to change. But she knows what buttons to push and what she can get away with. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iameugene

GutPunch said:


> I don't think so. Quit your job and see how long she lets you sit on the couch.


Tried that and failed badly so yea. She's still sitting on the damn couch.

Ok here's the lowdown, I quit my job (& told our HR guy I'll be consulting - secretly of course). So, no job (for about 1/2 a year), I've got about 50k or so in the bank & well, not sure if she knew but she kept spending & I got worried so, reactivated the job clause back.

Should I like be a bum. I actually told her that once, we could swap places & I'd quit and she should find work & she told me that I should go kill myself. Obviously I took that as a joke. No, I really am that dumb. I'm a number cruncher not some read between the lines guy.

God, should I tell her it's over? Yes or no?


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## iameugene

PBear said:


> That's because you've enabled her to do as she pleases. If you stopped paying for the maid, stopped obeying her whims, stopped giving in to pressure from your parents, she'd have no choice but to change. But she knows what buttons to push and what she can get away with.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, so you think it's still worth saving?


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## Mavash.

You won't know till you get your balls out of her purse.


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## Mavash.

BTW I had an acquaintance like your wife. Had daycare for the kids, ate out every night, housekeeper, and all she did all day was shop and have lunch with her friends.

She's divorced now because she got caught banging some other guy.

How's that for appreciation?


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## iameugene

LOL Mav. Honestly you crack me up. But really, what do you think? You've been really nice so far but if you were me, what would you do?


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## PBear

iameugene said:


> Ok, so you think it's still worth saving?


Depends on how much of a backbone you've got. There's obviously reasons you've married her, but getting her off her throne is going to be a long hard battle on multiple fronts. It may help if you talk to your parents and explain you need their support, and this is a last ditch effort to save your marriage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

iameugene said:


> LOL Mav. Honestly you crack me up. But really, what do you think? You've been really nice so far but if you were me, what would you do?


I'd cut her off and I'd tell her parents to take a hike.


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## iameugene

PBear said:


> Depends on how much of a backbone you've got. There's obviously reasons you've married her, but getting her off her throne is going to be a long hard battle on multiple fronts. It may help if you talk to your parents and explain you need their support, and this is a last ditch effort to save your marriage.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok well, my parents understand. Problem is I'm not sure if the in-laws understand. Again they're really nice people & it's not their battle, so I really have no idea how to break it to them.

@ Mav, well, I'd like to tell HER to take a hike but not her parents. They've been really nice to me so, the big worry for me is not with my parents (since my mom already said I should leave her), but with HER parents (since they have no friggin idea how bloody lazy their daughter is!).


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## Mavash.

iameugene said:


> but with HER parents (since they have no friggin idea how bloody lazy their daughter is!).


How is this your problem?


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## wilderness

iameugene said:


> Ok well, my parents understand. Problem is I'm not sure if the in-laws understand. Again they're really nice people & it's not their battle, so I really have no idea how to break it to them.
> 
> @ Mav, well, I'd like to tell HER to take a hike but not her parents. They've been really nice to me so, the big worry for me is not with my parents (since my mom already said I should leave her), but with HER parents (since they have no friggin idea how bloody lazy their daughter is!).


If it's not their battle why did they ask you to send them money? I think you are blindly defending these people and I'm not sure they deserve it.


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## iameugene

wilderness said:


> If it's not their battle why did they ask you to send them money? I think you are blindly defending these people and I'm not sure they deserve it.


It's a Korean culture thing. We're taught to respect our elders. Maybe more imprinted in me than others (thanks to my dad)...but yes, we're taught from a young age to always respect our elders.

OKOK stupid maybe but it's a cultural thing!


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## Mavash.

What if those elders don't deserve respect?

So you're supposed to do whatever your elders tell you to do?


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## wilderness

iameugene said:


> It's a Korean culture thing. We're taught to respect our elders. Maybe more imprinted in me than others (thanks to my dad)...but yes, we're taught from a young age to always respect our elders.
> 
> OKOK stupid maybe but it's a cultural thing!


Respecting your elders doesn't mean doing something as ridiculous as sending your inlaws money for your wife that refuses to work or contribute to your marriage in any way. And it certainly doesn't excuse them asking for the money in the first place. That is so outrageous it's beyond words. Wake up!


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## Mavash.

I'm older than you.

Can you send me some money too?


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## justonelife

My son is adopted from Korea. I've visited there and know a very small bit about the culture. Yes, respecting elders is big. But so is the concept of wives respecting their husbands. From what I saw while I was there, most women are expected to basically wait on their husbands hand and foot. Hold a job, cook, clean, take care of the kids and ask their husband if he wants another ****tail while he's got his feet up in front of the television. 

Don't hide behind the culture thing. Tell her parents that you will give your wife money when she starts contributing SOMETHING to the marriage.


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## iameugene

Mavash. said:


> I'm older than you.
> 
> Can you send me some money too?


LOL. Sure Mav! :smthumbup:

No but really. Thank you all for waking me up. I guess I just needed to know if leaving her was the right thing to do or not. It's my 1st marriage & I wasn't sure if it was because I was being a bad husband or a bad son.

Sure do hope I find a nice lady though since well, it isn't really fun spending the rest of my life alone...ok but besides the point, know what guys, I'm gonna call her parents tomorrow & sort things out. Let you guys know the result tomorrow! Pray for me right! :smthumbup:


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## iameugene

justonelife said:


> My son is adopted from Korea. I've visited there and know a very small bit about the culture. Yes, respecting elders is big. But so is the concept of wives respecting their husbands. From what I saw while I was there, most women are expected to basically wait on their husbands hand and foot. Hold a job, cook, clean, take care of the kids and ask their husband if he wants another ****tail while he's got his feet up in front of the television.
> 
> Don't hide behind the culture thing. Tell her parents that you will give your wife money when she starts contributing SOMETHING to the marriage.


Heya J1Life. Well, times have changed...A LOT (yea I was surprised too). Thanks for commenting though. It means a lot to me


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## PHTlump

iameugene said:


> God, should I tell her it's over? Yes or no?


It depends on what you want and how hard you're willing to work to get it.

If your main objective is to keep her parents happy, then you should do nothing. Keep everything exactly as it is and they will continue to be happy.

If your main objective is to have a good marriage, and you're willing to work hard, then you need to kick her into the real world. If you can get by on your salary, then she doesn't really need to work. But she can contribute to the family by cooking and cleaning. That would take a significant burden off of you right there.

And you don't negotiate with her. You fire the maid and announce that, from now on, she will be the cook and the maid. If she can't cook, she can watch a cooking show or download a recipe online and prepare that. It's easy. If she hasn't prepared dinner when you get home, go out and eat alone. Don't bring her anything, either. There should be food in the house from the grocery shopping she has done.

If you would like a good marriage, but you're not willing to work for it, then you need to dump your wife and try to find another woman who will treat you better. But I warn you. When you are a doormat, and you are, women tend to pick up on it and walk all over you. They're like wolves. They smell fear.

Good luck.


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## PBear

iameugene said:


> LOL. Sure Mav! :smthumbup:
> 
> No but really. Thank you all for waking me up. I guess I just needed to know if leaving her was the right thing to do or not. It's my 1st marriage & I wasn't sure if it was because I was being a bad husband or a bad son.
> 
> Sure do hope I find a nice lady though since well, it isn't really fun spending the rest of my life alone...ok but besides the point, know what guys, I'm gonna call her parents tomorrow & sort things out. Let you guys know the result tomorrow! Pray for me right! :smthumbup:


My first thought is that you're continuing to treat her like a spoiled child, and telling on her to her parents. What would you tell them, if you did talk?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iameugene

PHTlump said:


> It depends on what you want and how hard you're willing to work to get it.
> 
> If your main objective is to keep her parents happy, then you should do nothing. Keep everything exactly as it is and they will continue to be happy.
> 
> If your main objective is to have a good marriage, and you're willing to work hard, then you need to kick her into the real world. If you can get by on your salary, then she doesn't really need to work. But she can contribute to the family by cooking and cleaning. That would take a significant burden off of you right there.
> 
> And you don't negotiate with her. You fire the maid and announce that, from now on, she will be the cook and the maid. If she can't cook, she can watch a cooking show or download a recipe online and prepare that. It's easy. If she hasn't prepared dinner when you get home, go out and eat alone. Don't bring her anything, either. There should be food in the house from the grocery shopping she has done.
> 
> If you would like a good marriage, but you're not willing to work for it, then you need to dump your wife and try to find another woman who will treat you better. But I warn you. When you are a doormat, and you are, women tend to pick up on it and walk all over you. They're like wolves. They smell fear.
> 
> Good luck.


Nice to find an honest man! Yes, my main objective is to keep her parents happy, obviously,that isn't making me very happy so now it's my parents vs her parents (since well, lik everybody has said, I'm a "doormat").

2) Her cooking sucks.....and yes, she's watched cooking shows and searched food network...still bad....not "I can't eat bad" but.....really, really bad.

3) I won't fire the maid. She's like, the best maid I've had. Fire the wife maybe.....but the maid? NO.

So, thought's please? I'm seriously tempted to tell her that I'll be filing divorce papers tomorrow but I'm still not sure if it would have been an honorable thing to do.


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## PBear

Honestly, I don't think you have much of a chance of changing her. But I also don't think you've given her a chance to learn how you deserve to be treated. Seriously, you went home from your job to bring her and the dog bottled water from across the street. You practically tattooed "WELCOME" on your back, asking to be used that way. 

So now you have two choices. Put up a fight and at least try to make things right. Or bail out. You're the only one who knows if you've given it all you have. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife

iameugene said:


> Nice to find an honest man! Yes, my main objective is to keep her parents happy, obviously,that isn't making me very happy so now it's my parents vs her parents (since well, lik everybody has said, I'm a "doormat").
> 
> 2) Her cooking sucks.....and yes, she's watched cooking shows and searched food network...still bad....not "I can't eat bad" but.....really, really bad.
> 
> 3) I won't fire the maid. She's like, the best maid I've had. Fire the wife maybe.....but the maid? NO.
> 
> So, thought's please? I'm seriously tempted to tell her that I'll be filing divorce papers tomorrow but I'm still not sure if it would have been an honorable thing to do.


It sounds like you don't really want to be married to her and you are just looking for external validation that it's okay to divorce her. 

For future relationships, try being a man (with all due respect). That means demanding respect and not allowing either of your parents to dictate what goes on in your marriage.


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## norajane

You aren't married to her parents, so what they think about this is completely irrelevant. Same for your parents. The parents have their own lives and can take care of themselves. If you divorce, they will continue to live their lives exactly the way they are now, just like they did before you got married.

You can't make her change. She is who she is. The only person you can influence to change is yourself.

So, decide whether you are willing to live the rest of your life with her exactly as she is or not. If not, then move on. You don't have to support this child you call your wife.


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## iameugene

justonelife said:


> It sounds like you don't really want to be married to her and you are just looking for external validation that it's okay to divorce her.
> 
> For future relationships, try being a man (with all due respect). That means demanding respect and not allowing either of your parents to dictate what goes on in your marriage.


Thanks for your honest & well though opinion JOL. I guess maybe I am. Maybe I can't be the bad guy for once and I'm afraid to show it!

I'll be calling my in-laws today to let them know what a failure of a daughter they have. If they don't accept it then....


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## EleGirl

iameugene said:


> I'd say, she does what she allows.


Not quite so.



iameugene said:


> She actually phoned me while I was at work to say that we've run out of drinking water & that she & the dog were thirsty. I had to basically drop everything, walk 10 minutes back, get water for her & run back to work..


This incident about the water is an example of being a doormat. Why did you not just tell her that she could get the water herself? There was no need for you to leave work.

If this is an example of what is going on, YOU have taught her to treat you like this and walk all over you.

Further, if she is not working, why do you pay for a housekeeper? That's another example of you setting things up so that she does not have to do anything.


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## PBear

iameugene said:


> Thanks for your honest & well though opinion JOL. I guess maybe I am. Maybe I can't be the bad guy for once and I'm afraid to show it!
> 
> I'll be calling my in-laws today to let them know what a failure of a daughter they have. If they don't accept it then....


Why are you telling them anything? Deal with your wife. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife

iameugene said:


> I'll be calling my in-laws today to let them know what a failure of a daughter they have. If they don't accept it then....


You still aren't getting it. If you want a divorce, talk to your wife. Her parents have nothing to do with it.


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## Mavash.

Why would you talk to her parents? 

They can't nor will they fix this for you.

She's your problem not theirs.


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## EleGirl

Her parents are going to do whatever they can to get the two of you to stay together. It's not in their best interest for you to leave your wife.

If you do divorce her, she will be looking to them to support her. The parents want her out of their house. So you serve their purpose.. you support their problem child.


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## Jasel

Can't say I really disagree with anything else I've read. One thing I've noticed is I haven't seen you once mention that you love your wife. The best thing I've heard you say about her was how she laughed at your jokes and would listen to you years ago. Nothing else is all that positive.

Your main concern seems to be what your in-laws think. I'm sure there are some cultural aspects I don't completely get but just because you want to respect your in-laws, doesn't mean their feelings should dictate your marital decisions. 

Respect is a two-way street. You're a grown man. Your in-laws have their own marriage, your parents have their own marriage. At the end of the day you need to be in the driver's seat of your own marriage and life decisions. It's fine to listen if they want to offer directions, but stop giving your in-laws, and anyone else who wants one, a turn at the wheel.

And honestly I really don't think your marriage is all that salvageable unless you're willing to make some pretty big changes with how you handle yourself, your wife, and your in-laws. And even if you'd feel comfortable and willing to do that, it might be too late. I have a feeling your wife probably doesn't have much respect left for you from what you've told us. Respect can be very hard to get back not only when it's lost, but has basically been lacking for a long period of time.

If you want to try to repair the marriage because it's what YOU want and you actually do care about and love your wife, then you need to need to be willing to make those changes I talked about, sit down with your wife, tell her things need to change and what she needs to do or you're filing for divorce. And have deadlines that you hold her to and don't compromise on.

If you're mostly just concerned with your in-laws feelings and what everyone else is going to think, then I think you need to just tell your wife you're filing for divorce, find an attorney and do so.

I mean seriously it sounds like you're married to a sponge that just absorbs water, food, and your money.


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## temperance

I am in the same situation, except it has been going on for me for more than 10 years! This thing drag on man... they really drag on and blink of an eye, you found yourself wasted your life, your lost opportunities and your happiness! Every day, month, year goes by just like that. She will never get a job and eventually... like my husband, won't be able to get a job after years out of the workforce, more excuses and totally rely on you and expected it too. Worse off, you feel worse about yourself because you are the man, and the fact that she expects you to support and spoil her totally, when you don't have enough money to do that she will make you feel like sh*t and beat your ego to death.

I am Asian too so I know exactly what is 'expected', my husband is Caucasian, western or not, it doesn't matter. Once the 'pattern' sets in... its impossible to get out! Unless you work at your in-laws company and that they are the one who pay you to support their daughter (you know one of those marry to a rich family and the girl who is a rich spoil brat).... don't take them into your decision for your happiness. Really... don't be like me for another 5 years! Time flies, we aged and you will never be able to get back time lost.


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## PHTlump

iameugene said:


> 2) Her cooking sucks.....and yes, she's watched cooking shows and searched food network...still bad....not "I can't eat bad" but.....really, really bad.


Sure. She's never worked at it. I bet her violin playing is bad, too. The solution to being a bad cook is to practice cooking. If you stopped cooking for her, and/or buying food for her, she would have to make her own food most days. She would rapidly improve her cooking skills.



> 3) I won't fire the maid. She's like, the best maid I've had. Fire the wife maybe.....but the maid? NO.


Then don't complain about your wife not cleaning up. You are communicating to your wife that her time sitting on the couch is so valuable that you will hire help for her so she doesn't have to get off the couch. And then you're angry about the fact that she doesn't get off the couch? Come on.



> So, thought's please? I'm seriously tempted to tell her that I'll be filing divorce papers tomorrow but I'm still not sure if it would have been an honorable thing to do.


I think you are sabotaging your own marriage. You encourage your wife to behave the way she does, and then you complain about it. That's irrational.

If you hire a maid, your wife will not clean house. If you cook all the meals, your wife won't cook. If you leave work to run errands for your wife, she won't run errands. This isn't rocket science.

And, if you divorce your wife, I think you should stay single. There aren't many, or any, women out there that will refuse the services of a butler/husband. If you think you can trade your wife in for a better wife, you're kidding yourself.

Good luck.


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## cdbaker

I'm seeing all of this a little differently. You definitely have a spoiled little brat of a wife, but you have even acknowledged that you sort of created that monster yourself via your enabling behavior.

So it sounds to me like the step you should consider BEFORE divorce is to undo that behavior. Take away the money, insist that she get a job if she wants money. You can explain it as a personal boundary issue. You simply aren't willing to be married to a woman who, you feel, is using you and appears unwilling to contribute to the marriage and has thus disrespected you enormously. You want a partner, no more no less. It is perfectly reasonable to expect that. So again, I'd say inform her that you are going to put her on a very limited budget for a short time to allow her the opportunity to find a job. You can tell her you love her and you still want to see the marriage work out, but you can't accept her behavior any longer, so you genuinely hope she can change.

If she flat out refuses to contribute, find a job, do anything for the marriage/household, then I'd say you have your answer and should move forward with the divorce papers to see if that wakes her up. But she is still your wife, you made commitments to her too, so I think you owe her the opportunity to change?


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## temperance

may I ask... what did you like about her when you first met her? And what made you decide to propose to her? Just curious.


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## joygirl

I would say it is irresponsible to consider divorcing your wife just because she doesn't work or want to work. I understand if it's because she disrespects you, but apparently, you enabled it. You need to respect yourself first. You don't have to be cruel or uncaring not to be a doormat. If you really left your workplace to take water home like a zombie, who knows how many other instances there has been of you acting like her handyman? And how is she supposed to respect you if you do things that even other women think is stoopid?

You married a brat alright, but you can fix her if you care about her and if you are man enough to do so. Divorce does not have to be the solution to every problem IMHO.


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## cafetom

It has been 4 years since this post. What happened?


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## EleGirl

The OP on this thread has not been here for 3 years. So we will never know what happened.

It's a zombie thread, so I'm closing it.


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