# getting wife comfortable with her body.



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

My wife is uncomfortable with her body. She has not been able to lose the baby weight from our kids. It is not a criticism but, an observation. I try to tell her that it does not matter and that she is beautiful. I am still very attracted to her and tell her that. Most of her weight she carries below the waist. She has recently begun to lose the weight from the babies but, I feel like this may be a long struggle. I think there are enough external factors driving her to lose weight so I want her to do it for her and not for me. I also don’t want her to get all self-conscious and affect her self-image. I want her to focus on the positive IE. I love her boobs but, she is insecure as she noticed they are drooping. Was thinking about buying her a sheer lingerie top that will give her some support. I find many lingerie shops are geared toward the twenty something’s rather than the middle aged mommy types. I was also encouraging her to wear a tight white something braless (for me only) as this showcases a body part that she is most likely to feel good about. I have seen those things that are like tape that give support. I am not sure if they work or insinuate too much that she needs them. Any ideas on where to go and how to best get her size. I am not sure if I should try and surprise her or take her shopping. We rarely have sitters so that is hard. 

Thanks.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi tj ~

These issues can be so tough. The same gauntlet that men are put through on a daily basis being bombarded with continuous images of perfect female bodies seemingly always available for sex that seems to titillate and elevate their moods has completely the opposite effect on most women. It depresses their moods and makes them feel bad about themselves - the average women just simply cannot compete with an air-brushed image.

The hard part is that the change to being self-confident and having high self-esteem all revolves around that one word - SELF.

It has to come from your wife. She has to learn to embrace herself. Is she willing to try? Have you talked with her about this at all? Lack of confidence and self-esteem play big roles in more than just your sex life - it tends to permeate many aspects of a person's life overall.

Part of becoming more comfortable and confident is a learned technique - where you concentrate on the overall package and not on the individual bits that you don't like. Part of it is constantly playing a positive feedback loop in her head, instead of the negative one. She would need to be the one who works on applying those techniques on a daily basis.

And of course, having a husband who shows his support and desire is most helpful. 

If you want to do lingerie, then take her out for a shopping spree. Let her pick things that SHE feels pretty in - they may not necessarily be things that you would like or consider, but she's got to start somewhere and if you are confident in yourself, then you can make a rag look good.

Best wishes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi tj ~
> 
> These issues can be so tough. The same gauntlet that men are put through on a daily basis being bombarded with continuous images of perfect female bodies seemingly always available for sex that seems to titillate and elevate their moods has completely the opposite effect on most women. It depresses their moods and makes them feel bad about themselves - the average women just simply cannot compete with an air-brushed image.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yep, all this.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Thanks for your sound insight!!

Does anyone have any thoughts on where to shop for these types of things. Ideally it would be fun and useful to have a place with a dressing room where i could go in. I can see my wife wanting to know my opinion. 

Places like Victoria's secret as i mentioned tend to be geared toward stuff geared toward runway models than real women. 

I believe for hygene reasons most places will ask you to try things that have panties with underwear on (thank god) Not sure about bras.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> Thanks for your sound insight!!
> 
> Does anyone have any thoughts on where to shop for these types of things. Ideally it would be fun and useful to have a place with a dressing room where i could go in. I can see my wife wanting to know my opinion.
> 
> ...


Victoria's Secret isn't geared for runway models. It is geared towards people who want to spend $45 for a bra that will fall apart in 2 weeks. Awful stuff.

Major cities have specialty non-chain lingerie stores. They sell truly exquisite lingerie that are made of quality materials and is worth every penny. Aubade, Freya and La Perla make some gorgeous intimates and those could all be found at a specialty store. Also, the atmosphere is much different. Smaller and the sales ladies are always helpful and nice.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I have learned that it's the whole outfit that's important, not just the lingerie.
> 
> I love seeing my wife in a nice classy dress. One that she would be proud of and feels she looks really HOT in, SEXY in, going out to a nice dinner. Then have the shoes, underwear, etc to match.
> 
> When they feel good about themselves, feel they look Hot, special things happen when you get home. Your wife will want to Tease you, get you all worked up. The best Sex happens when they feel really good about themselves.


One thing as a man you can do is show her, through your actions, that she is sexy. Telling her is great, but seeing it can make a difference. 

My wife has some similar issues to the OP, but is gaining more confidence. Part of that was my reaction to what she was wearing. She had a beautiful dress that made her look very sexy. I had difficulty keeping my hands to myself and decided to not control myself as I have done in the past. She kept shooing me away and complaining how uncivilized I was being, but the look in her eye said she loved it. She teased me throughout dinner and did so with confidence that she was a beautiful sexy woman. Seeing the effect she had on me really seemed to give her the boost she wanted.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It takes a while to come to terms with the fact that your body is never going to be the same again. My ex was a jerk about it. All I wanted was for him to show me that he still found me really hot and tell me. He would say that he couldn't be as passionate about sex because it took me so long to get my desire back. 
I would focus on showing her as much as you can. It's so hard to see the stretch marks and the weight and the droopy skin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Breasts | The Shape of a Mother

This site is very helpful. You might suggest that she go to it alone or you look together. It might help if you looked and told her you find other women post partum attractive too. That way she doesn't think you're just forcing yourself to think she's sexy just because you love her. Unless she's really jealous then no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm curious from the ladies as well ... maybe I should start another thread rather than take a chance on hijacking this thread ... 

We've had a couple of pregnancies, and in more recent years, had a breast cancer scare, and my wife hasn't had any issues with insecurity that she has let on to me about. I'm wondering if it had something to do with what we did as we were going through it, and wonder if some ladies would like to comment on whether or not they think this would be helpful.

With her pregnancies, I was absolutely fascinated by the whole "Baby under construction" thing. I always wanted to be a dad, and when I walked out of the Dr. office after he told us my wife was pregnant with our first, I swear my feet didn't touch the ground (probably most dads know this feeling). My hands were all over her when she was pregnant trying to find any signs of baby development. I kissed the baby when I kissed her goodbye every morning when she was pregnant, and I listened for heartbeat when we were together at night. I wanted to feel all the signs of life - every hiccup, every kick, and she helped with this. I wanted to feel how her breasts were changing as her body was preparing to give birth. Granted, she was tender, so she had to guide me in touching and in how hard to touch so I wouldn't hurt her, but I loved ALL of this, and she knew it and included me in it. I LOVED that maternal glow she had on her face, and I told her about that. Toward the end of the first pregnancy, when she got a few stretch marks, I actually kissed the marks, then rubbed cocoa butter on them as she wanted - but all of this was part of becoming a dad, I thought. It never occurred to me to be timid with any of this, and I found her to be possibly more beautiful when she was pregnant than I had ever found her before. 

When we had the breast cancer scare, she had to have some cysts removed. That required an incision on her breasts. I had read at this point about women's worry that their husband would not love them after a mastectomy, so even though a mastectomy was thankfully not required, I was very active in letting her know I was comfortable with her regardless. I kissed her incisions as soon as she had the stitches removed from them every time we were together. I made a point of kissing the incisions/scars when we woke up in the morning, or when we were together in the evening. After a while, she began telling me "You don't need to do that," but she always had a smile on her face anyway when I did. I took her words as a signal that she was comfortable that I was comfortable with her regardless, and that I still found her attractive ... maybe I was going overboard, but I wanted to be sure she knew, and I kept that behavior up for a long time after the surgery.

I don't remember her being uncomfortable after any of these things.

Just curious from the ladies: Is it important for us to set the stage beforehand to help you feel comfortable after giving birth, or after any potentially adverse change in your body? Is that where we miss it sometimes? Would you have found my behavior comforting? or would it have made you more uncomfortable? What did I miss that I could have done better?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That sounds wonderful to me. With my current husband it would work. With my ex, it's just not his personality at all. I'd say you did great. Some women are just less invested in their prebaby body. It doesn't make them better or worse. I didn't have a clue how I'd feel and my ex's reaction just made it worse. Also one of my breasts was twice the size of the other while nursing. I HATED it. I felt deformed but I knew I was doing the best for my baby. My ex was creeped out by bodily fluids so I was afraid of leaking on him during sex too. 
My husband now, I feel completely comfortable with my body with him. He used to be overweight so his stretch marks are worse than mine. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> Wow dwali, I want to thank you for posting that. I'm a fan of bodies, (not to sound creepy...) and as a mom who loves her new body but also struggles with not looking exactly the same...it's amazing. I get so frustrated when I see the lack of diversity in media so this I'm passing around to all mom friends too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nobody ever looks the same post pregnancy. Nobody. The hips actually widen with each pregnancy due to fracturing of the pelvis. They fracture and don't return and the bones grow in. Breasts expand and contract. Stretch marks occur because skin is like a rubber band, if stretched too hard, it looses elasticity and doesn't "snap" back. 
Having said that, embrace your self. I have never met a man who said he hates his wifes stretch marks or breasts post pregnancy. Never have. 
OP, where are you on the expensive lingerie?! Get cracking man, get cracking.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'd be careful with the lingerie. She might take that to mean you'd rather see her covered up. Tread carefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

shy_guy said:


> I'm curious from the ladies as well ... maybe I should start another thread rather than take a chance on hijacking this thread ...
> 
> We've had a couple of pregnancies, and in more recent years, had a breast cancer scare, and my wife hasn't had any issues with insecurity that she has let on to me about. I'm wondering if it had something to do with what we did as we were going through it, and wonder if some ladies would like to comment on whether or not they think this would be helpful.
> 
> ...


You sir ROCK. You just rock. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Want a woman to feel great about wearing lingerie? Easy. You don't just have it wrapped in a box and hand it to her. NO! You give her the box and as she opens it up, you tell her that you bought this particular bra because you love the front closure and her breasts are so amazing to you, that you could not hold out for the back closure, you had to see them earlier! Want a woman to wear a pair of boy shorts, buy them in something funky like aqua or orange, not red or black. A fun color will always turn us on. Okay I am generalizing but most women LOVE creativity! Funky colors appeal to women because you clearly showed you didn't go with the norm. A little time spent buying lingerie that is classy goes a long way with us. When she opens them up, tell her that you bought that color because it perfectly compliments her ass. Add in that it picks up her eyes/toe nail polish/lip tint, whatever, she is putty. 
We aren't that difficult. Give us lingerie and say "I bought this for you because it showcases your legs and I'd like to see more of them" or "I bought this color of apricot lingerie because you have gorgeous creamy skin and I knew this would look incredible on you" and [email protected] central.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

What a kind and sweet husband you are! You seem so tender and supportive of your wife and that will go a long way in bolstering her confidence.

I have self esteem issues and I am very hard on myself. Since my husband can only do so much, I have also been in therapy. My therapist taught me a variety of techniques such as writing love letters to myself (yes, really) and listing my positive qualities.

Your wife has to work on herself. You can only help your wife learn to love her looks, but you cannot change her perception.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> I'd be careful with the lingerie. She might take that to mean you'd rather see her covered up. Tread carefully.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wrong. Done correctly, he will make her feel like a sexual goddess.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> What a kind and sweet husband you are! You seem so tender and supportive of your wife and that will go a long way in bolstering her confidence.
> 
> I have self esteem issues and I am very hard on myself. Since my husband can only do so much, I have also been in therapy. My therapist taught me a variety of techniques such as writing love letters to myself (yes, really) and listing my positive qualities.
> 
> Your wife has to work on herself. You can only help your wife learn to love her looks, but you cannot change her perception.


Can I save you a bit of money and give you some therapy? 

YOU ARE AWESOME. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE AND YOU SIMPLY ROCK. 

HERE'S MY LOVE LETTER TO YOU: YOU ARE ONE IN A MILLION. I HAVE MET MY FAIR SHARE OF PEOPLE AND YOU MY DEAR ARE RARE. LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE AND IF YOU EVER STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR EVERYTHING, YOU WILL REALIZE HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. **End screaming**


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> What a kind and sweet husband you are! You seem so tender and supportive of your wife and that will go a long way in bolstering her confidence.
> 
> I have self esteem issues and I am very hard on myself. Since my husband can only do so much, I have also been in therapy. My therapist taught me a variety of techniques such as writing love letters to myself (yes, really) and listing my positive qualities.
> 
> Your wife has to work on herself. You can only help your wife learn to love her looks, but you cannot change her perception.


My wife had a bit of that. Very hard on herself. What seem to work a bit for us was when she got into that mode, I treated her like a stranger and told her to stop insulting my wife. I would then list a couple great things about her to emphasize the positives. When we discussed it, she agreed that she would never have taken that kind of abuse from another person (and I would have objected if she did), so why should she take it from herself. Why was a negative comment from herself acceptable, but suddenly unacceptable if it came from another person?

She is much better about that, as well as being comfortable with who and what she is. While I have tried to help in that process, it is ultimately her that did it.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Some damage can never be repaired. After four years of therapy and more than once nervous breakdown in my early adulthood, I have come to that conclusion.

My husband is the reward for all the abuse I have suffered. In many ways, he is the mother I never had. So nurturing, caring and patient. 

Thanks a lot for the comments, TRBE.


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