# If you can't have sex, should you have an obligation to provide something else?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If you can't have sex due say a yeast infection or an inability to get an erection, should you be expected to provide something for your spouse/partner, or should your partner be expected to wait the issue out?

This is only regarding short-term perfomance issues, not long-term ones and only when something else (such as say oral, HJ, etc.) can be provided by the spouse who is unable to perform.

To give you an example, if your wife has an infection and figures it'll take a week to clear up, and it's already been say a week since you last had sex, is there an unwritten implication she provide another means of sex, or are you expected to wait it out? 

I'm talking in general as well, not directly to your own personal relationship. Just how do you feel this situation should be handled in the typical marriage/relationship.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

a loving spouce would want to meet your needs.


a selfish spouce would say just wait.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If I have a yeast infection, my husband just waits it out. He doesn't have any interest in having sex with me when I'm feeling unsexy or when I can't get totally into it with him. That type of sex isn't satisfying for him at all and he'd probably just masturbate until I can enjoy him as much as he enjoys me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I think it depends on what exactly the limitation is of the spouse who can't perform.

Using myself as an example...I have a digestive problem that has not been figured out yet. Docs aren't sure if my gallbladder is bad, pancreas problems, food intolerance or what. Finding the answers to this problem has been a lengthy/arduous process. When I am having a "flare", which can sometimes last 2-3 weeks at a time, my symptoms mirror food poisoning ...if you can imagine what that might entail.

When I can't keep down simple food or liquids, vag sex and bjs are off the table.

I will occasionally feel really guilty about the lack of sex, and offer H a HJ. He will decline 9/10 times because he knows how absolutely sick I am.

I think that makes him a decent human being.

I always reward him for waiting as soon as I feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would say this definitely depends on your marriage and how well you take care of each other in general. 

It should be both ways, if you're unable to have sex for some reason, then you should also make sure to provide her with the same outlet.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I agree on principal BUT I believe this would only work in a marriage where the sex if offered up easily and often.

Not in a marriage where the HD partner has to normally jump through hoops to get any sex/affection.

In MY marriage it's more likely me out of action and I'm almost always happy for some non-PIV playtime. But then I like and want sex all the time... having my period or thrush is an inconvenience... not a " woohoo... I get off having to have sex for a week".

Interested to know what a LD spouse would think of this idea!

PS: all this is assuming i'm not puking or doing any other anti social behaviors... we have our limits!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> a loving spouce would want to meet your needs.
> 
> 
> a selfish spouce would say just wait.


I would agree....but within reason. I would call it situational.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think it should be an expectation but I think you should WANT to give your spouse pleasure even when you can't experience it for yourself.I think it should give you pleasure to make your spouse feel good.

Not speaking for all marriages or all women...but the times I had medical issues my partner still got pleasured via hj or bj.sometimes he felt really bad about receiving but not be able to give so he wouldn't let me do anything for him.I didn't like that


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Yes. Divorce papers! Set me free, oh ye of little sex!


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Obligation is kind of a strong word in this case. I would hope that my wife would want to please me sexually, instead of feeling like she's obligated to do it; like it's a grueling chore she wants no part of.

My wife knows that I get horny every other day, so even if she's not in the mood for sex, she'll ask if I want "service," even though sex once a week is fine for her... and my wife gives me the best HJ's with lotion. She does this spinning thing with her wrist... It makes me cum so hard. It's almost as good as sex.  

Anyway, last year, my wife had an operation to remove fibroids and a baseball-sized cyst and was unable to do anything sexually for a couple of months. It sucked... Hard. Still, she offered me BJ's and HJ's. I felt bad because I couldn't do anything to please her sexually. Good thing I have a great wife that knows what my sexual needs are.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> If you can't have sex due say a yeast infection or an inability to get an erection, should you be expected to provide something for your spouse/partner, or should your partner be expected to wait the issue out?
> 
> This is only regarding short-term perfomance issues, not long-term ones and only when something else (such as say oral, HJ, etc.) can be provided by the spouse who is unable to perform.
> 
> ...


I personally think that if there is "an unwritten implication she provide another means of sex" then it isn't a typical marriage, it's one with problems. Sex shouldn't be something that's ever implied or expected, it should be freely given out of love and desire. 
You asked about a typical marriage/relationship. I think H and I are very typical. He doesn't EXPECT anything. When I'm out of commission he'll more evenings than not give me a wonderful back/neck rub because he knows I'm not feeling well. That makes me feel affection and desire for him, which at least every few days gets him rewarded with a bj, after which he snuggles me close, thanks me profusely and tells me he didn't expect it but sure did love it. He makes me want to take care of him in other ways, he doesn't make me feel obligated. No one should feel obligated to do anything sexual.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Well I believe, a wife is a wife and not a prostitute that she has to provide sex no matter what. So if she is sick and CAN NOT HAVE SEX. Or having sex can effect her health, and doesn't want to have sex because of the HEALTH ISSUE, then I will support her and in that case instead of just thinking about my needs, I'll be worried about her health and will be trying to get her well, not so that I can sex but because I would like her to be healthy.

Having said so, if she doesn't have any issue and just reject me WITHOUT ANY REASON ...... then I'll be furious.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Obligation? No.

Consideration is all we can ask.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I think half the respondents didn't read the OP carefully enough.

Kingfan specifically stated:

"This is only regarding short-term performance issues, not long-term ones *and only when something else (such as say oral, HJ, etc.) can be provided by the spouse who is unable to perform.*"


He specified in the OP that the spouse is fully able to provide "something else". It doesn't sounds like he's dealing with spouses who are sick in general, are vomiting, have had evasive, draining surgeries, or who need backrubs because they feel like sh#t.

I believe he's asking specifically about whether the spouses are obligated to provide sexual satisfaction under circumstances where the genitalia are off limits, but they are physically capable of doing other things sexually.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Its totally absurd to me that a lot of people here suggest the spouse with a humiluating issue just bend over backwards to please their partner... the hell with how the issue effects them and their state of mind. Sure a spouse should want to please their partner as often as they can but in the same respect a loving partner should have enough respect and courtesy for their spouse to be able to wait it out. 

If my spouse had an issue with getting it up... I sure as hell wouldn't pressure him to please me in other sexual ways. Why? Because ultimately I know it would just dampen his spirit further that he wouldn't be able to go all the way. I get that there are cruel spouses out there that make their partners jump through hoops in order to ride their **** or bang their *****... those people clearly have issues but with others .... no one should have to bend over backward to please someone else by obligation. 

This should be something they do of their own free will... not something they do out of pressure from their spouse. So no... I don't think anyone should have an obligation to provide anything... rather I think they should have the desire to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think this is a ridiculous idea, having none of your sexual needs met will kill a marriage. It can be waited out once in awhile, but when the default becomes waiting it out then its a real problem that the "disabled" spouse should make some effort to work around.

In fact, my marriage died in large part to this issue - my W, even though she claims she was the high drive one and that I turned her down all the time, happened to have a yeast infection every time I pursued (as far as I can tell she actually did, based on the empty boxes) and was never in the mood for much of anything else.

So typically I'd look in her bathroom and in the trash before deciding to pursue or not, usually the bet was off.

As for me, I don't know if erection issues were a problem or not, I know that if I wasn't in the mood there was none and little to do to entice me (physically or mentally), and the very few occasions she initiated and I turned her down suddenly were an ongoing thing? Any time we got around to business things worked fine, except right when it seemed like we broke through a barrier (in terms of lack of and frequency) she'd burst out with infection again. She even blamed me for it, convinced I was passing it to her, but my doctor could find no signs of anything (though I became forever self conscious about it).

I think if there is still a spark of attraction, build it up into a hot passionate fire before it goes out, even if intercourse is off the table.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That's weird that she would constantly have a yeast infection lon. Like I said... if its a legitimate issue... then sure I wouldn't mind waiting it out and yes for a spouse to reject just for shyts and giggles is wrong... I'm not advocating that mind you and there are many other non sexual ways to keep that fire going. The fact that your ex conviently had a yeast infection everytime you tried for it.... totally manipulative imo and just because it appeared as if she were treating something... doesn't mean she was. 


You should have asked her to show it to ya imo lon and I highly doubt it was you... she was probably just a bytch. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gaia said:


> That's weird that she would constantly have a yeast infection lon. Like I said... if its a legitimate issue... then sure I wouldn't mind waiting it out and yes for a spouse to reject just for shyts and giggles is wrong... I'm not advocating that mind you and there are many other non sexual ways to keep that fire going. The fact that your ex conviently had a yeast infection everytime you tried for it.... totally manipulative imo and just because it appeared as if she were treating something... doesn't mean she was.
> 
> 
> You should have asked her to show it to ya imo lon and I highly doubt it was you... she was probably just a bytch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh believe me I saw, she wasn't faking (atleast not all the time) there is no way I wanted to touch that red nasty smelling thing with medicine oozing out of it. Basically it was a perfect mood killer, whether that was her intention or not.

In fact I think using the canesten too often is supposed to disrupt the natural bacteria and make it more susceptible (ex W is the one who informed me of that trivia, yet was the one using it all the time, very likely she was over-using to prevent me pursuing - all I know is it was so disturbing to be blamed the LD spouse when I really was horny all the time and had to take matters into my own hand,  and worse was when she was ready was usually right after I took care of my own business secretly so I had nothing left and was too embarrased to explain why)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ewww did she never think of eating yogurt?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, I can speak from experience that when my husband is having ED issues, I don't EXPECT him to please me in other ways. I know he gets frustrated when it doesn't work and I don't push the issue. I am happy when it happens, yes. But I don't just EXPECT him to please me. And yes, if I try to initiate and he rebuffs me because of the ED, I do feel hurt. But he makes it up to me each time we DO have sex.

As for yeast infections... yea, I don't know how any woman can think of sex at all when she is red, chafing, itchy, and oozing...as Lon so adequately described his wife. I know my husband doesn't want to see ME in pain when going through that...and moving even slightly causes excruciating pain, so he avoids it until the infection has cleared up. Fortunately, it happens so very rarely that it's not an issue... yogurt is a staple in my diet. 

So, expected? No, I don't think so. Appreciated? Hell yes! And, I have to say that if I am ever able to put the pain out of my head, my husband DOES appreciate it... because he KNOWS how painful those are for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Ewww did she never think of eating yogurt?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thing is she is and always was very aware of body issues - the more I think about this the more I am wondering if this really was about escaping from sex - actually I never even really considered the full extent of it until just now. She had more than enough knowledge and resources that this should never have been such an ongoing issue, she always would talk to her doctor about anything (her family doctor is probably the best physician I've ever met, so popular even I couldn't get her as my own physician though it's our son's doctor). She is very in tune with other aspects of health, though she did frequently have weakness for junk food and fast food.

IDK, not really my problem any more I suppose.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Nothing wrong with the spouse 'on the shelf' to take care of the other in that manner. Even in general circumstances, the party saying no over and over needs to give the other a release.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> If you can't have sex due say a yeast infection or an inability to get an erection, should you be expected to provide something for your spouse/partner, or should your partner be expected to wait the issue out?
> 
> This is only regarding short-term perfomance issues, not long-term ones and only when something else (such as say oral, HJ, etc.) can be provided by the spouse who is unable to perform.
> 
> ...


with a short term problem you are supposed to feel empathy for your partner and not only wait for it to pass but encourage her that you understand and she is not alone dealing with the problem . in most cases that would make your wife give you other forms of sexual satisfaction because it would make her happy to make you happy . sex is a very big thing in a relationship , but your wife is the relationship . everyone should want to support their partner and make their partner happy .

a long term issue changes everything . both partners have to work together to help improve the others situation . for instance if a man was permanently impotent . his wife needs to help him figure out something that would give him some kind of enjoyment out of their sex life , and he neeeds to participate fully in her sexual pleasure as well . whether it be from oral or sex toys or what have you . without his participation and enjoyment she will not be fulfilled . even though he can not have sex maybe her role playing , or talking dirty , or dressin or acting sexual in public would give him enjoyment from their sex life . 

marriage is for better or for worse . especially when the worse is not due to the fault of either partner .


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Its totally absurd to me that a lot of people here suggest the spouse with a humiluating issue just bend over backwards to please their partner... the hell with how the issue effects them and their state of mind. Sure a spouse should want to please their partner as often as they can but in the same respect a loving partner should have enough respect and courtesy for their spouse to be able to wait it out.
> 
> If my spouse had an issue with getting it up... I sure as hell wouldn't pressure him to please me in other sexual ways. Why? Because ultimately I know it would just dampen his spirit further that he wouldn't be able to go all the way. I get that there are cruel spouses out there that make their partners jump through hoops in order to ride their **** or bang their *****... those people clearly have issues but with others .... no one should have to bend over backward to please someone else by obligation.
> 
> ...


Why is the knee jerk reaction always this on TAM? Talk of "pressure" and "bending over backward" when it comes to this kind of topic? That's not even implied in the OP.

My wife's vagina is totally off limits during her period. She's not comfortable with anything going up in there at all. Not only is she disgusted by the thought, she also has endometriosis, which is quite painful for her during the first couple days of her period.

Once the pain settles, but she's still got a flow going, she is open to other forms of sexual gratification for BOTH of us. Why? Because she LIKES SEX. Period. There is no "pressure", or "bending over backward" simply because her vagina is off the menu one week out of every month.

This board really has me questioning if the average person even likes sex. Because this kind of response is so typical around here, and it baffles me. If a spouse's penis or vagina is unavailable, perhaps they provide other sexual avenues for the mutual enjoyment of both parties. I have absolutely no idea why the notion of being "pressured" even came into this convo, or what it has to do with what the OP is discussing.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why is the knee jerk reaction always this on TAM? Talk of "pressure" and "bending over backward" when it comes to this kind of topic? That's not even implied in the OP.
> 
> My wife's vagina is totally off limits during her period. She's not comfortable with anything going up in there at all. Not only is she disgusted by the thought, she also has endometriosis, which is quite painful for her during the first couple days of her period.
> 
> ...




people get very upset over their own negative idea of word . you say obligation and some people feel like that implies it being against your will . or it being something unwanted or horrible . change obligation to something like to you feel the need to and all of a sudden it means something diffeent . it is my job , and my obligation , and my privelidge to do everything in my power to satisfy every sexual desire my wife has . if i could not get an erection for the short term my wife would understand and not ask . but if i had a long term issue i would not and could not ever dream of expecting her to not have sex any more because i am physically unable . we would have to come up with something that i could do to keep her sexual needs met and get sexual pleasure for myself also . i need to do this for her . i owe it to her to try . i could never dream of letting her down without even trying . 


we give words the power to hurt us . why would anyone choose to hurt themselves with words .


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Desire and obligation are two different things. Obligation implies requirement.. something one must do regardless. Hence why I say I feel like it shouldn't be an obligation.... but a wanted desire. Wouldn't you rather here... "oh hunny I want to..." vs... "oh hunny... do I have to?" Words have a lot of power behind them.. so does how one words things. Some posts have come across with the implication of... a spouse should bend ove backwards to please the other regardless of how they feel... which is probably why you see this knee jerk reaction jaquen. 

Someone out there could very well use a post like that to force/ guilt trip their spouse into doing something they don't want to or can't. Not sure why you would question if the average person even likes sex.... I'm sure the answer would be hell yes. Its more about showing respect to ones spouse... and yes this respect goes both ways. I'm in no way saying one spouse should purposely make another suffer in a way. 


Now I know not everyone shares my opinion but I can honestly say that if my spouse were to have an issue where he was incapable of satisfying me sexually... I wouldn't request he do anything. Btw he has already went through a few times like this... with surgery and all and even though my drive is higher then his... I still went without.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Desire and obligation are two different things. Obligation implies requirement.. something one must do regardless. Hence why I say I feel like it shouldn't be an obligation.... but a wanted desire. Wouldn't you rather here... "oh hunny I want to..." vs... "oh hunny... do I have to?" Words have a lot of power behind them.. so does how one words things. Some posts have come across with the implication of... a spouse should bend ove backwards to please the other regardless of how they feel... which is probably why you see this knee jerk reaction jaquen.
> 
> Someone out there could very well use a post like that to force/ guilt trip their spouse into doing something they don't want to or can't. Not sure why you would question if the average person even likes sex.... I'm sure the answer would be hell yes. Its more about showing respect to ones spouse... and yes this respect goes both ways. I'm in no way saying one spouse should purposely make another suffer in a way.
> 
> ...



words do not have any power behind them . the power comes from people . and this is easily proveable . 

if someone says to you that your mom is a ***** that is a terribly demeaning thing to say to you and about your mother right ??? of course it is . what if your mother works at the bunny ranch brother and is in fact a ***** ? is it still demeaning to you or her ?????? of course not ...... what if that same person then says that you are the lowest piece of scum they have ever met ..... that is demeaning isnt it ???? of course it is ..... so what if you dont care in any way shape or form what that person thinks about you . is it still demeaning to you ???? of course not . words do not have any power at all . we give words their power .


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## Brilliantaire (Oct 22, 2012)

No, not obligated. I would wait until my spouse feels better but it would also make me feel special to know she was thinking about my "needs" anyways.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Desire and obligation are two different things. Obligation implies requirement.. something one must do regardless. Hence why I say I feel like it shouldn't be an obligation.... but a wanted desire. Wouldn't you rather here... "oh hunny I want to..." vs... "oh hunny... do I have to?" Words have a lot of power behind them.. so does how one words things. Some posts have come across with the implication of... a spouse should bend ove backwards to please the other regardless of how they feel... which is probably why you see this knee jerk reaction jaquen.
> 
> Someone out there could very well use a post like that to force/ guilt trip their spouse into doing something they don't want to or can't. Not sure why you would question if the average person even likes sex.... I'm sure the answer would be hell yes. Its more about showing respect to ones spouse... and yes this respect goes both ways. I'm in no way saying one spouse should purposely make another suffer in a way.
> 
> ...



short term issues of course you go without and support your partner ? but what if it was permanent ? what would you do them ? first help your partner get through their depression . and then help you partner find a way that he can satisfy your needs and find a way that will give me as good a sex life as he is able to have. another option is to not have sex any more . and the last option is to your sexual needs met by someone else ...... 
my opinion you owe it to each other to make every effort you can to avoid options 2 and 3 . 

my wife has endometriosis right now . sex is often painful for her . we now have sex only when she tells me that she is not in pain . which to me and her seems like never . i do not want her have sex when she is in pain . but i do still want to have sex . because i have supported her mentally , emotionally , and been with her every step of the way , she is more than happy to provide for me in other ways . is it the most exciting or best sex life for us ? absolutely not . but it is definitely the best that we can do for each other right now .


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I think half the respondents didn't read the OP carefully enough.
> 
> Kingfan specifically stated:
> 
> ...


Thank you jaquen, as always you are a very good voice of reason. Clearly I didn't explain things properly (and should have picked a different word than 'obligation' I didn't mean it as people took it). You said it better than I could have.



Gaia said:


> Its totally absurd to me that a lot of people here suggest the spouse with a humiluating issue just bend over backwards to please their partner... the hell with how the issue effects them and their state of mind. Sure a spouse should want to please their partner as often as they can but in the same respect a loving partner should have enough respect and courtesy for their spouse to be able to wait it out.
> 
> If my spouse had an issue with getting it up... I sure as hell wouldn't pressure him to please me in other sexual ways. Why? Because ultimately I know it would just dampen his spirit further that he wouldn't be able to go all the way. I get that there are cruel spouses out there that make their partners jump through hoops in order to ride their **** or bang their *****... those people clearly have issues but with others .... no one should have to bend over backward to please someone else by obligation.
> 
> ...


I didn't mean to suggest that a partner "bend over backward" or "humiliate" themselves for another partner. I'm taking if you are sidelined in the genital area for a period of time (say a few weeks) should you, as a good spouse, feel a moral obligation, brought on by yourself, to yourself, to help your partner sexually. Essentially, is it fair in a relationship that if one spouse is sidelined that the other partner automatically be sidelined as well, or is it common courtesy for the unavailable partner to give the healthy partner a 'helping hand' so to speak?



Maricha75 said:


> Well, I can speak from experience that when my husband is having ED issues, I don't EXPECT him to please me in other ways. I know he gets frustrated when it doesn't work and I don't push the issue. I am happy when it happens, yes. But I don't just EXPECT him to please me. And yes, if I try to initiate and he rebuffs me because of the ED, I do feel hurt. But he makes it up to me each time we DO have sex.
> 
> As for yeast infections... yea, I don't know how any woman can think of sex at all when she is red, chafing, itchy, and oozing...as Lon so adequately described his wife. I know my husband doesn't want to see ME in pain when going through that...and moving even slightly causes excruciating pain, so he avoids it until the infection has cleared up. Fortunately, it happens so very rarely that it's not an issue... yogurt is a staple in my diet.
> 
> So, expected? No, I don't think so. Appreciated? Hell yes! And, I have to say that if I am ever able to put the pain out of my head, my husband DOES appreciate it... because he KNOWS how painful those are for me.


As I stated in the OP, I'm talking about something other than PiV sex. So if you have an infection in the vagina, PiV sex would be off the table, but does that mean that sex as a whole whould be off the table, or should something else be offered to the other partner?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> As I stated in the OP, I'm talking about something other than PiV sex. So if you have an infection in the vagina, PiV sex would be off the table, but does that mean that sex as a whole whould be off the table, or should something else be offered to the other partner?


My point was that when I have an infection of any kind, my husband views it as an illness and would be insulted if I offered anything, knowing how I am physically feeling. A yeast infection affects not just the vaginal area. When I mentioned moving, I meant moving into position for a BJ or HJ, either one. slight movement of any kind makes me wince, no matter what I am doing. And, since he knows this, again, he would be INSULTED if I suggested that.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> My point was that when I have an infection of any kind, my husband views it as an illness and would be insulted if I offered anything, knowing how I am physically feeling. A yeast infection affects not just the vaginal area. When I mentioned moving, I meant moving into position for a BJ or HJ, either one. slight movement of any kind makes me wince, no matter what I am doing. And, since he knows this, again, he would be INSULTED if I suggested that.


Speaking clearly as a man here, so I have zero experience with an infection of this sort, but that level of difficulty from a yeast infection (have trouble with even slight movement) seems above that which is standard, based on what I have observed in my sexual partners and other women friends who have spoken on the issue. Is an infection so painful for women that even basic movement is difficult, or is this abnormal?


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> ... Sex shouldn't be something that's ever implied or expected, it should be freely given out of love and desire.
> ….
> You asked about a typical marriage/relationship. I think H and I are very typical. He doesn't EXPECT anything. When I'm out of commission he'll more evenings than not give me a wonderful back/neck rub because he knows I'm not feeling well. That makes me feel affection and desire for him, which at least every few days gets him rewarded with a bj, after which he snuggles me close, thanks me profusely and tells me he didn't expect it but sure did love it. He makes me want to take care of him in other ways, he doesn't make me feel obligated.
> 
> No one should feel obligated to do anything sexual.


I agree that sex should be something offered freely and not out of a sense of obligation. 

That said, it's hard sometimes to deal with periods of time where for some reason or another my spouse or myself are not in the mood to offer up sex freely, etc. 

We've had some trying times in the past few months. Her mother lives with us, and is becoming quite ill. Her sister moved in with us to help care for the mother. I also had some minor surgery that, it turned out, was timed at exactly the wrong time based on an unexpected turn in my MIL's illness. I've been sidelined and needed my OWN assistance for a few weeks. So my wife has been extra burdened. 

I just can't bring myself to pester my wife for a quickie, HJ, or BJ, though I would NOT turn one down if it were offered. Our opportunities are rare, though my needs vary in intensity as one would expect … the longer it's been, the greater my need … so I end up helping myself out when I'm about to burst. As she's LD and I'm HD, she rarely has her desire build up under the best circumstances … and her emotional situation now makes it unlikely that her desire will build up until things are resolved.

To help her relax, I have been freely offering no obligation backups, that frequently end up with us spooning in bed, with her asleep in my arms, and me sporting a serious woody. I sometimes can't sleep because of the tension that builds up. Even if I'm perfectly aware of the emotional situation, the sexual tension DOES build up over time. 

So, circumstances have made it hard for us to have sex due to emotional and other issues. Do I feel that there is an obligation for my spouse to provide sex for me in this context? 

NO. I feel an obligation to provide emotional support to my spouse … and that support includes keeping my mouth shut even if my testicles are bursting. As I say this, I'm actually aching, having woken up this morning rock hard. `


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife is starving and you don't have a pack of cookies in your pocket but you do have an apple, do you have an obligation to give her some of your apple?


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

OhhShiney said:


> I agree that sex should be something offered freely and not out of a sense of obligation.
> 
> That said, it's hard sometimes to deal with periods of time where for some reason or another my spouse or myself are not in the mood to offer up sex freely, etc.
> 
> ...


Man, I'm so sorry that there are so many trying things going on for you and your wife right now. I hope things get better for your entire family soon.
I don't want to get off topic, but your post brings up something I've been thinking about lately. I honestly think it's very common for a spouse to become so wrapped up in whatever might be going on in a relationship or family or household, that they become completely oblivious to the sexual needs of their partner. It doesn't even occur to them that spouse hasn't had any form of sexual release for X number of days and is in agony. Because they're not having serious withdrawal they don't consider that their spouse might be. It isn't right, it just is. And by being a good and loving spouse you don't push her, which is so sweet, but doesn't get you what you need.
How long do you think you can go on supporting your wife by keeping your mouth shut?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

UTIs I agree. My ex-wife had ones that landed her in the hospital, so I understand where you are coming from.

Anyways, as I said in my OP, things such as that wouldn't apply as I'm only referring to issues where PiV sex isn't available, however the disabled spouse isn't suffering from pain, nausea, etc. Essentially, just out of commission in that region, but otherwise feeling fine.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> I've had one yeast infection and two UTIs.
> 
> The yeast infection was painful, but not crippling. There is pain to move since the whole area is irritated and shifting weight in anyway creates friction, which is irritating. Definitely didn't want to think to hard about any genitals then.
> 
> The UTIs crippled me from head to toe since they had reached my kidneys and made breathing extremely painful. Sucked ASS.


My point (badly made) was that if you know your spouse has a need and you have some ability to relieve that need, then you should do whatever is in your power. There is a huge difference between "can't" and "won't".


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## williamjones (Oct 12, 2012)

never an obligation to do anything.
but a loving spouse might try to meet your needs if she/he was comfortable doing so.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Speaking clearly as a man here, so I have zero experience with an infection of this sort, but that level of difficulty from a yeast infection (have trouble with even slight movement) seems above that which is standard, based on what I have observed in my sexual partners and other women friends who have spoken on the issue. Is an infection so painful for women that even basic movement is difficult, or is this abnormal?


Probably abnormal for most people, but I so very rarely get them that when I do....yes, that's what happens for me. The friction, as FrenchFry described, gets so bad with mine that it hurts to change any position. Of course, I try to take care of it at home before going to a doctor, so that COULD be why mine get so bad. I avoid going to doctors til I absolutely HAVE to lol.


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## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

My wife experiences a lot of pain during vaginal intercourse so over the years that sort of activity has become rare.
However, she willingly offers HJ's, and/or offers up all her charms for my enjoyment while I masturbate. 
In our case I don't sense any obligation or any such thing. There really shouldn't be. 
I do however, as stated by other guys, feel guilty that she does not want me to reciprocate. It was affecting my enjoyment until I recently took a stand and told her that I would not be satisfied until she is.
I believe that when one partner can't provide or there is something that prevents full participation, true love and devotion will conspire to find a way. I liken it to water seeking its own level.
Both partners want to please the other, somehow, some way. It's called love.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

It just seems to me that any wife or husband who mistakenly think sex isn't important and that keeping your man or woman sexually satisfyed is just not playing fair.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

And that any partner who is relentlessly pressuring you to fully meet their target frequency when they know your desire level isn't there....


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Whenever its the Mrs time of the month and she's not able to take care of me " that way " ...... she will always offer one of her patented BJ's !! She's very good at it and ummmmm always swallows sooo NOOOOO compaints here !!!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> If I have a yeast infection, my husband just waits it out. He doesn't have any interest in having sex with me when I'm feeling unsexy or when I can't get totally into it with him. That type of sex isn't satisfying for him at all and he'd probably just masturbate until I can enjoy him as much as he enjoys me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it would be better for the wife to masturbate the husband, instead of him taking care of it himself. He can always return the favor at a later date. My wife and I use to call these favors or treats...
Whenever either of us would recognize something the other did above and beyond anything expected, the other usually offered up a treat as a reward for it..they have faded away over time. I believe it is due time to revitalize these treats...I miss them.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You are never obligated to do anything for your partner. But when you ignore your partner or don't ever attempt to go out of your way for them, it will effect your marriage.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

tall average guy said:


> you are never obligated to do anything for your partner. But when you ignore your partner or don't ever attempt to go out of your way for them, it will effect your marriage.


strongly agree with this statement.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

aribabe said:


> If I have a yeast infection, my husband just waits it out. He doesn't have any interest in having sex with me when I'm feeling unsexy or when I can't get totally into it with him. That type of sex isn't satisfying for him at all and he'd probably just masturbate until I can enjoy him as much as he enjoys me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Freaking here here ari, I love your husband!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If my partner or I were out of commission for a short period of time (the OP mentioned a week), I think we'd be more focused on the care and comfort of one another than the absence of sex. Longer than that, whilst neither of us would (hopefully) feel obligated, I'm pretty sure we'd want to resume physical intimacy in any way we could.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Ah, thanks michie. So do I... he really is an awesome guy.

I don't understand some husbands... the wife is suffering from a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis and the first thought is that the infection isn't affecting her mouth so she needs to get on her knees and start sucking some di*k? I don't get that. Seems totally uncaring/unloving to me.

Men are supposed to have a natural inclination to protect and provide, that instinct seems to be sorely lacking in thegreat majority of modern men.



Michie said:


> Freaking here here ari, I love your husband!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Glad I could help you express yourself frenchfry 



FrenchFry said:


> There's the feelings I was trying to describe during the thread. It's a week! Two at the most! Dang!


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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