# Don't know what to do now....



## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Ok, well, a couple months ago I was on here reporting that my husband had sent texts to a woman and missed deleting them off his phone. Here is my link to the back story, so I won't have to rewrite it all again. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47247-so-confused-hurt.html

Anyways, we have worked through all this, (I thought.) He said they were just talking and flirting, just friends, etc. I got her to call me, and she had verified the same story. She also begged me not to tell her husband. Foolishly, I said I wouldn't if she would leave my husband alone. She agreed. 

I have a feeling that my husband at some point a couple months ago went and bought one of those prepaid Net10 phones and was using that to contact her. Of course, I asked and he denied that. I am not all too sure that they don't talk any more at all, I suppose if he does have one of these phones that they could very well still be. He had agreed to NC but that doesn't me that is what he did. Of course, if a cheaters lips are moving, they are lying.

Things changed two weeks ago. I have a male friend through work that is going through a divorce from his cheating wife. I have been talking and texting him for support, as he has been advising me all this time. We are friends, and that is it. He has no reason to believe otherwise. At any rate, when he goes through my cell phone (which he has started doing) and sees that I talked or texted my male friend that day, he has been calling him my "boyfriend". I just say he is a boy and a friend, and he is good support for me.

Well, two Saturdays ago, he made a comment to this effect: "I don't care if you have a boyfriend, but just make sure he knows he isn't getting his hands in our company. We built that together and no one else can get involved."

I looked at him coldly and with dead seriousness and said "If you think I am going to stay in a marriage where you see other people and so do I, then let me go and lets end this right now. Because I will not live that way."

Him: "You deserve better than me. But I will not leave you.

Me: "I know I deserve better than you. And I am not concerned about you leaving me. I am trying to figure out how to leave you."

He looked like I slapped him. That afternoon while I was with our daughter at the pet store he started texting me. 

Him: "What can I do to make you happy."

Me: "You can't. Because you can't be honest and you don't have the ability to change."

Him: "I'm sorry. I always F*** everything up."

Me: "Dont' worry. I am sure you will find someone out there that is willing to live the way you want to."

Him: "It isn't fair to you or our two girls to be with you and I am always thinking about being with other women"

Me: "You are right, it isn't fair. So lets just move on so I can be happy somewhere else."

Him: "I can't.

Me: "Who do you want to be with?"

Him: "With my family, but what if I am wrong?"

At this point, I was driving up at my house. So the texting stopped. But as soon as we walked in the door, and I looked at him, he was puffy faced, red eyed and I knew he had been crying. (Which is something he does not do.)

I walked to the bathroom, and he followed me, trying to grab me, hug me. I was pushing away and I started yelling at him how he was a selfish bastard, and how could he do this to us?

We sat down and talked. He said over the past six months he has changed, that he feels like two people. Half of him loves his family and knows that is where he should be. And the other half is always wishing he was free, to do what he wanted. And wondering what it would be like to be with other women again. 

I asked did he just mean "her", he said no, i told you that was over, we just talked and flirted. (Which I still don't buy, because I know they met in person at least once, due to a VAR I had put in his work van one day.)

I said, well, you need to choose, and do it fast, because you are not going to keep jerking my heart around. I need stability, and all you are offering me is chaos. I told him I know I can move on from you and be happy again. He says he knows I can. And that I am a good woman, and I have been a wonderful wife, and that I have done nothing to deserve this. He also said he knows he has treated me badly at times. (Because we own and run the biz together, he faults me for alot that have nothing to do with me, things that just can't be helped.)

He said, lets not make a quick decision. He says lets' wait until the baby is born (I am due Nov 8). He says maybe I will take a look at her (the baby) and think, there is no way I can ever leave my family for freedom, I love them too much.

I should have left right then. I told him that was the most selfish decision I have ever heard for a man to have to choose between his freedom and his family. He agreed. Says he doesn't know what is wrong with him.I just told him, fine, lets see what happens til then. He kept hugging me, crying, etc. I have never seen this man like this.

The next morning, (Sunday) I usually go to church. My head was hurting so I stayed home. He ran me a hot bath without asking and made me go get in it to relax. So I did. I took my tablet in the bathroom so I could listen to music. "Feels like Home" came on, (which makes me cry anyways). I laid my head on the towel and started crying. He walked in.

He asked what was wrong. I asked him to just leave me alone. He started crying AGAIN, and said please talk to me. So we talked some more. He stated this time that he wasn't going anywhere that he loved us too much, and that it would hurt me too much. I told him that he had already hurt me, and that could never be changed. I said that I would rather you leave me now, than stay with me and not be happy. He proceeds to cry some more and tell me he isn't going anywhere.

Since that weekend, he's been all huggy, lovey, cuddly, hugs me and kisses me goodbye, texts me daily that he loves me, which wasn't the norm for the last 7-10 years of our 16 year marriage.)

But things have started getting a little strange again. That same week, I noticed, at my office, a phone number and name on my caller ID. It is the home number and name of this OW husband. I didn't answer it, and he didn't call back. Then last Sunday, I saw the name and number again on my caller ID at the office. So I thinking, well, her husband has finally caught on and noticed something, and is doing some investigating of his own. So I have let it lie, waiting.

This morning, my husbands cell phone rings as we all getting ready to leave the house for work. He doesn't recognize the cell number, asks me do I. I said, no I don't. A minute later it calls back. Hubby hands the phone to me for me to answer it. (He doesn't answer numbers he doesn't know because our customers call our cell phones in emergencies and he rather I talk to them first.)

It's a man. Here is the conversation.

Him: Who is this?

Me: Shannon

Him: (Big sigh) Shannon, you don't know me, but we need to talk. I have something to tell you, and it isn't good. It is bad news for me and you both.

Me: Ok. Can you call me back on my cell phone in 10 minutes? 

Him: Sure, but we really need to talk. And it needs to stay between you and me for now.

Me: Ok. Call me back in ten minutes. (And I gave him my cell.)

My hubby was standing right there through this. This was our conversation:

him: Who was that?

Me: That was OW's husband.

Him: Why is he calling me?

Me: Why do you think he is calling you?

him: I don't know. We just talked and flirted and were friends. I am not apart of whatever problems they have. And why did you give him your number? That was stupid. Now he is going to keep calling you. IF he does, don't talk to him. It will just stir up trouble and make us split up.

Me: Why is that? He shouldn't have anything to tell me that is different that what you have told me. Should he?

Him: No, I don't think so.

Me: Well. I don't see the harm in letting him get it off his chest. If I don't he ma show up at the office or even at the house.

Him: Just don't talk to him if he calls you.

So, we both get in our vehicles to leave. A couple minutes later he calls me:

him: has he called you?

Me: no, he hasn't.

him: Well, he just called me. I told him to stop f****** calling me. I told him I was not part of their problems, and I hung up.

Me: Ok. But he hasn't called me.

Him: Well, if he doesn't don't answer it.

Me: Ok.

It is 1:30 pm now, and the OW's hubby has not called my cell.

Several questions: If I already know everything, why can I not talk to this man?

Secondly: I know I am being stupid, but what am I missing here? Please, point it out to me.

Thirdly: Why has my hubby gone sappy and lovey-dovey? Is it guilt? Is he scared I will leave?

Lastly: Should I leave?

A few small things here to consider. We have been married 16 years, but we have sex almost daily, and always have. So, this isn't one of those sexless marriage things. 

Also, we have one child together, and I am 7 months pregnant with our second girl.

Also, we own a business together, so I will always be tied up in that. If we did separated, will have still have to run the business with him.

Help me out people. Clue me in. What is really going on here?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Call the OWH to see what info he has.

Get this out in the open among the 3 of you. You need to know what the OWH knows. He needs to know what you know (or limited to what you told your husband you know). 

This secrecy, knowing bits and pieces, this unknown are doing more damage than having everything right out front exposed. 

Once you know everything, you are in a better position to make a sounder decision.


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## Danaerys (Aug 20, 2012)

I wonder what the OWH has to say. Obviously something your husband doesn't want you to hear. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially while pregnant.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

brokenmama said:


> him: I don't know. We just talked and flirted and were friends. I am not apart of whatever problems they have. And why did you give him your number? That was stupid. Now he is going to keep calling you. IF he does, don't talk to him. It will just stir up trouble and make us split up.


This is covered under the rules for exposure. The OM will try to spin the story to his BW (you) and try to convince her not to receive calls.

Why are you avoiding the OWH? Why don't you just call him? He most likely has more information than you do. The least you could do is pool information from you. OWH is doing the right thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Call the OWH and talk to him. Listen to what he has to say.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Danaerys said:


> I wonder what the OWH has to say. Obviously something your husband doesn't want you to hear. I'm sorry you are going through this, especially while pregnant.


This....so sorry. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> This is covered under the rules for exposure. The OM will try to spin the story to his BW (you) and try to convince her not to receive calls.
> 
> Why are you avoiding the OWH? Why don't you just call him? He most likely has more information than you do. The least you could do is pool information from you. OWH is doing the right thing.


I would call him back myself, but he called on my husbands cell, not mine. My husband is out working right now, and I don't have access to his phone. Which I am sure that he has deleted the man's number by now. I do have the house number, but I would rather he call me back on my cell since I gave him my direct cell number. My husband keeps asking me has he called me yet? I can tell he is nervous and anxious. 

I hate so badly that he put me in this predicament, when I have done nothing wrong. I am pretty sure that they slept together, even though neither will admit it.

What can the OW hubby really tell me that is worse than that?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

> If I already know everything, why can I not talk to this man?
> 
> Secondly: I know I am being stupid, but what am I missing here? Please, point it out to me.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing that you already know the answers to these questions but it is unbearable to face it. I am so sorry you are in this position! My heart breaks for you. 

Talk to the OWH. Find out what he knows. Either way, you'll be in a better position to make a decision. He may confirm what you already know (that H and OW were just texting/flirting) or you may find something different. Either way, you need to know the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you look online at your husbands cell line history?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You need to talk to the OWH and find out what the hell is going on. 

I also think that you're downplaying your relationship with your "friend". He supports you? Support you should be seeking from your husband? If you were putting that same energy into your relationship, things would likely be different. I think you're in an EA by definition. 

Based on that, I'd say you are both cheaters, even if nothing physical has happened by either of you.

But ya, you need to track down the OWH and have a chat with him to compare notes.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Wait until later to decide? This an addiction. Pressure from OWH will serve as a break away time this addiction and a reality check. NC and full transparency with remorse for R, no rugsweepng
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

check the caller id at your office?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

brokenmama said:


> I am pretty sure that they slept together, even though neither will admit it.
> 
> What can the OW hubby really tell me that is worse than that?


If you knew for sure that they did sleep together, would that change any decisions you are making about the future? What if you found out they had been sleeping together for months?

I guess talking to the OWH only matters if he can change your decision making process. I'd personally want to know what he has to say, no matter what.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

brokenmama said:


> Ok, well, a couple months ago I was on here reporting that my husband had sent texts to a woman and missed deleting them off his phone. Here is my link to the back story, so I won't have to rewrite it all again.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47247-so-confused-hurt.html
> 
> ...


One he doesn't get to tell you who not to call. He only gets to sit there and shut up and listen to his lies unravel as the OWH tells you everything. If i were you I would get his number off of your WH phone and call him. Heck I would do it right in front of your WH and if he tries to stop you leave. Cause that just means he is hiding something that he knows will ruin your marriage even more. I would definitely call him asap and I would make your husband give you the number.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Can you look online at your husbands cell line history?


I looked this morning. It only shows me the most recent bill, not anything after that except total time used on voice and text. I was hoping I could pull the cell phone number from this morning off with this method, but it doesn't supply phone calls daily.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You need to talk to the OWH and find out what the hell is going on.
> 
> I also think that you're downplaying your relationship with your "friend". He supports you? Support you should be seeking from your husband? If you were putting that same energy into your relationship, things would likely be different. I think you're in an EA by definition.
> 
> ...


No, definitly not downplaying my relationship with my friend. I my spend 10 minutes every other day talking to him, either about what's going on with my husband, or what's going on with the new girl that my friend is dating. We are strictly friends, and he is concerned about what I am going through because he went through it with his separating from his cheating wife of 12 years a few months back. 

Besides that, I do think I need to talk with OWH.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

brokenmama said:


> I would call him back myself, but he called on my husbands cell, not mine. My husband is out working right now, and I don't have access to his phone. Which I am sure that he has deleted the man's number by now. I do have the house number, *but I would rather he call me back on my cell since I gave him my direct cell number. *My husband keeps asking me has he called me yet? I can tell he is nervous and anxious.
> 
> I hate so badly that he put me in this predicament, when I have done nothing wrong. I am pretty sure that they slept together, even though neither will admit it.
> 
> What can the OW hubby really tell me that is worse than that?



He may have lost your number, heard or wrote it down wrong.

He obviously wants to talk to you. He called your husband cell again instead of yours. Looks like he really does want to talk to you and do not have your number.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> check the caller id at your office?


Caller ID at office only shows his home number, not his cell. He must have been calling while his wife was not around, and I don't want to ruin that by calling his home phone now, on the chance she may see the call.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I have to say, it's a bit unusual seeing it from this point of view. We're used to seeing a BH trying to get information to contact the OMW and expose the affair to her, while the OM tries to intercept any attempt at contact or gaslight his BW into not accepting contact from the BH.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

justonelife said:


> If you knew for sure that they did sleep together, would that change any decisions you are making about the future? What if you found out they had been sleeping together for months?
> 
> I guess talking to the OWH only matters if he can change your decision making process. I'd personally want to know what he has to say, no matter what.


I believe in second chances, but only second chances. No thirds or the like. If I had confirmation that the DID in fact sleep together, whether it be once or for months, it would hurt me deeply. But, I went in to R with him believing in my mind that they had slept together. My husband may not assume I feel this way, and perhaps that is why he is so adamant that I not talk to OWH.

I don't think finding out for a rock solid fact that they did would cause me to leave now, simply because I went into this assuming they. I would still probably push the NC, and the R. Just because we have everything we do together. 

I think really, deep down, I am just scare to have to leave. Been with him since I was 18.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

aug said:


> He may have lost your number, heard or wrote it down wrong.
> 
> He obviously wants to talk to you. He called your husband cell again instead of yours. Looks like he really does want to talk to you and do not have your number.


I am wondering, if he did talk to my husband this morning, could it be possible my husband told him that I already know everything and we have dealt with it, and not to call me back? Would OWH believe it and not try me again?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Your husband might have said anything to get the OWH to leave you alone. Who knows what it might have been. All the more reason to talk to him yourself.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Any updates in trying to contact OWH?


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Huge Update:

At 4:30 pm yesterday, while still at my office, the OWH called me.

I told him I already knew about them, and that they told me it ended a month ago. Also that it was told to me they never went physical.

He said, Oh you don't know the half of it. And it began. She must have left her burner phone (prepaid TracTalk) phone where he could see it. He had it. Would not return it to her. There were messages between her and my husband on his burner phone. The few messages he relayed to me were heartbreaking and there were many. 

They are still seeing each other. Usually at the bowling alley on Sun and Tues nights. Which explains why he gets home later on those two nights than he used to. I guess they leave there and get in his truck, and extended cab, and then go and have their way with each other. The messages were as recent as Tuesday all day.

They were constantly talking about "making love", and how much they loved each other, and one message from my husband to her even told her she was his true wife.

I am devastated. What makes it worse, when I confronted my husband with this, he said "I have been telling you for months that I didn't want to be with you like that anymore. But when I did, you would cry, and make me feel bad, so I told you I would stay."

WHAT?? WTF?

I never heard that, not once. In fact, why have you still been f****** me everynight, being so lovey? Why do I have text messages on my phone as recently as Tuesday with you saying "love u baby"??

I DON"T UNDERSTAND THESE TWO PEOPLE??!!!! Her husband is devastated as well. She is 48 (ten years older than my husband) and they have been married 31 years themselves. OWH says he can't even recognize his wife. He says she is behaving like a love sick puppy. She isn't talking to him, and she is wanting to leave him for my husband.

I packed a few clothes last night for me and my daughter and went 4 miles down the road to stay in my mom's house. Which is where I am right now. I couldn't sleep much, woke up at 5 am and decided I needed to come talk to you guys at TAM, because you all give such good advise.

What do I do now? OWH spent and hour on the phone with me last night. He was not happy when he found out I left our home, even if I all I tool was a few clothes. He is worried when his wife finds out, that my husband will move her in my house with him. He is willing to try to work on things with her, but not too sure he wants to really. He says I make things easy on them if I leave and give them a place to go. I don't want to make it easy for them. I hope the hate each other soon enough. From what I gathered about her last night from her husband, she and my husband won't work out very well living together, especially when she sees some of my husbands true colors coming through. 

I hope to call a lawyer today and try to get some sound advise. I don't want the abandon my house and have him use that against me. Should I go back and live there until things are settled? Can he move her into my house with my name on the title?

After he told me that he has been telling me for months that he doesn't want to be with me that way anymore, I have decided it is over for me. What need to stay? But what steps do I take now, and how do I even begin to move on after 16 years. 

I so hope that bad things are coming to both of them. Is that wrong of me? I am a christian and I go to church regularly. He doesn't. What in the world could God have planned for me now? Who is gonna want to date a single mom with two kids?

What are my steps now?

HOW DO I MOVE ON PAST THIS? The pain is unbearable.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I feel so much for you. Your heart must be shattered. I really hope you can get some advice & comfort from those on TAM.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Hang in there brokenmama,

You WILL get through this.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Brokenmama - I'm so sorry to hear this. Don't worry about moving on right now, just take this one day at a time and deal with what is in front of you.

You didn't do anything wrong so please don't leave your house. You are basically allowing their affair to continue and giving your husband no consequences for his actions.

I would start waking him up with reality. Go to the lawyer like you said. He can probably quickly draw up divorce or at least legal separation papers. Have your husband served as quickly as possible. Start pulling money out of your joint accounts, protect any assets you have, etc. Be as strong as you can (or at least act like it even if you want to break down inside). He may start to realize what he is about to lose.

Remember to eat. Get some sleep. But please don't be chased out of your own home by this dirtbag. He needs some real consequences!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm glad OWH got a hold of you, this just further reinforces the advice we give about informing the AP's spouse


I'm sorry this has happened broken, please take care of yourself, see a doctor and a lawyer immediately


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Made an appointment with my lawyer for Monday afternoon at 4pm. He was recommended by two others I know that used him in their divorces.

He did answer a few questions for me in the mean time. As far as have I abandoned my house by taking some clothes and sleeping at my mother's a few night, no, I haven't. That's good, because I really don't want to be within a few feet of this piece of trash.

He asked if I had any interest in keeping the house myself. I told him that I did not, it was out in the country with no neighbors, and that I would not be comfortable living there just me and the kids. He said then your husband can't keep it either. He would have to buy me out or sell it, split the money and move.

I asked if my husband could move the OW into my house, and he plainly stated he would be foolish to do so.

So, I guess for now I am okay sleeping at my mothers. 

What else do I do?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start detaching, no correspondence on anything but the kids


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> start detaching, no correspondence on anything but the kids


And the business, because I have to keep running that with him for now. Other peoples jobs depend on me being here...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

brokenmama said:


> And the business, because I have to keep running that with him for now. Other peoples jobs depend on me being here...


do you own part of it?


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

brokenmama ~ Reading through this thread brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I am praying for you, and sending hugs your way.

I can understand that you're really hurting, and I know that there isn't a lot anyone can say to alleviate that pain. I encourage you to lean on God. Are there any women at your church you can seek out for support?

Also, I wanted you to know that I work with Focus on the Family, and they have some articles on their website that you might find helpful. You can check them out here. Focus also has counselors available to speak with you over the phone at no cost - the link to that information is here. I hope this information helps you, and that you won't lose hope!


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> do you own part of it?


Yes, we own it together.

I wish I could get more replies and help from here. My thread has stalled!

Where is Shamwow and all the other famous posters?!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well since you are now going to D you may benefit from starting a thread in that section as the posters there have experience, I only know what I have read


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Wish I could help here, but I have no experience with it (D). All I do know is that I'd get a bank account (if I didn't already) that was only in my name and start moving as much money into it as I could. Do everything that makes sense to look after YOU (and your kids) and start doing that ASAP.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well since you are now going to D you may benefit from starting a thread in that section as the posters there have experience, I only know what I have read


Should I run straight to D? Should I be considering R?

I can't tell us being at the house with him is bothering him. He keeps texting me telling me it's his fault and he wishes he was dead. It's making me break down. 

But maybe it's more because he misses his daughter, and not me so much?

I just don't know.

Tired of breaking down. Can't eat, can't sleep, and being 7 months pregnant, this can't be good for me.

Should I try to kill him with kindness, and act like I am ok with moving on?

Or should I go dark, etc?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

see your doctor for starters

you should at the very least see a lawyer to know your rights

right now he is exhibiting crocodile tears and trying to gain pity instead of demonstrating real remorse


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry, I see it was much worse than you thought, because it usually is.

You are lawyering up. That's good.

If he starts getting violent or starts making threats to harm himself or others, then call the police. You can also obtain an RO or PO from your local courthouse. There should be a department there that handles this.

And like AR says, go see a doctor, since you're 7 months pregnant.

Also, be wary of leaning on your "friend" for support. You're already calling him every other day for support. This is the slippery slope to an EA, whether you want to admit this or not. If you need to talk to someone, it should be a close relative, not an OSF.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Brokenmama - This is still very fresh so I wouldn't make any hard and fast decisions about D or R right now. You both need to process what has happened and how you want to proceed.

A week ago, he was telling another woman that he loved her, was having sex with her and calling her his true wife. Now he's upset and crying that you left him. He's just mad that he got caught and his nice little world of having a wife and a girlfriend on the side is falling part. He isn't showing true remorse if he told you that he's been trying to leave all along and only stayed so that you wouldn't cry. What happened to that? 

You are both in turmoil right now. I'd see the lawyer and start the process of a divorce. Don't forget what he has done to you just because he now starts crying. If he cared so much, why was he telling another woman that he loved her? He's only upset that he got caught. Don't forget that. Stay strong.

If you decide to R later on, you can do so from a place of strength. I always remind myself that I don't "need" my husband but I choose to be with him because of the mutual love and respect. Yes, I need him but I COULD live without him if he betrayed me like this. You have to decide if you really want to continue this relationship, because of your mutual love and respect, not out of fear.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Awww. Brokenmama so sorry for you. 

It's too soon for you to make decisions, you have a baby coming. That is all you need to focus on, you are not getting a D before the baby comes so put it on the back burner. Stay dark and let him stew. 

How awesome that the OWH took the time to get in touch with you and share the truth. Keep in touch with him, you can help make sure each other knows the truth and not the BS your cheater spouses try to pass as truth.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

The OWH and I are keeping daily contact with each other. He says she is acting a little more normal, not quite like the lovesick puppy she was the other day. Of course she tells him that her and my husband are over, but I have already heard that story once, so how can we believe it again? This is the first time OWH has heard that it's over, so he is probably more apt to believe it than me since it has already burned me once.
He said she is staying around the house, and says she does not plan to go to the bowling alley Sunday, which is where they met initially, and were continuing to see each other. A place I thought was safe, where he was having fun with just his guy friends. How could I ever be comfortable with him going there again?

Yesterday morning before I had taken my daughter to summer school, he texted me and said he sure would like to see her. So I told him to stop at the Hardees and he could see her a few minutes.

He acted sad, looked teary-eyed the whole time. This was the text conversation after:

Him: I can tell she is hurt.

Me: We are all hurt.

Him: I wish all this had never happened.

Me. Believe me. So do I.

Him: I really do.

So, we went to work, (of course I have to see him there daily) and carried on our day. I sent him and the other two techs out to their jobs. As he started to leave, he told me to get together some jobs for him to do on Saturday (which is not typical). I asked him why? I was going to let you take our daughter Saturday and spend time with her. His eyes teared up and he walked away from me to the door. He said with his back to me "Nah, it's ok. I don't think she cares to be with me anyway." (She is a mama's girl, and wants to be with me most of the time, I can't help that.) I kept calling his name, and asking him why would you say that? But he just kept walking and out the door. Pretty sure he was crying again.

He starts texting me again:

Him: Its all my fault, wish I were dead.

Me: It's will be ok, we all make mistakes.

Him: So sorry.

He then went to a few jobs. After those were over and he had a long drive to a job, he started texting again:

Him: Miss DD so bad, and I feel so bad for hurting you.

Me: I know

Him: It hurts so bad

Me: I hurt too.

Him: All my fault, my fault, my fault.

Me: You gonna be ok?

Him: Yeah. U know God looks out for bad people, so I am in good hands.

Then a customer came in and I texted him that I had to go get on the forklift and get something unloaded. This followed that:

Him: Be careful. Don't hurt our baby. 

(Remember I am 7 months pregnant.)

Here are just a few other random texts after this:

Him: Aint no help for me. I will always love you.

Him: In my heart you will always be my wife and I will always love you like my wife that will never change for me.

I texted him and asked who do he want to really be with.

Him: By myself I guess, hell I don't know. I still want to be with you.

Me: Then why did you cheat?

Him: I am a dumba** I guess.

Him: I am lost, I don't know anymore. I wish I was dead.

Him: I want everyone to be happy but that isn't going to happen. (Not sure what he meant by this one.)

Him: Need beer and I be ok. (His usued to drink maybe two beers a week, maybe, now it has picked up drastically. I know he was drunk the two previous nights.)

Me: Don't become and alcoholic.

Him: It kills the pain.

Me: Not for long.

Him: Tired of crying, no more talking please.

After work, I took DD to house to see him a bit. I could tell he had been crying alot. We talked alot while they played. Everytime I started to cry, so did he, and he would beg me not to cry, said it was killing him to see it.

I tried to ask as many questions as I could, some of which I got answers to when I never did before. Up until now, he never actually admitted that they had sex. Now he is not denying it. Says he doesn't want to give me details, but he never touched her inside the bowling alley where people I would know could see. I did ask where, but he said he didn't want to go into details. 

He told me several times that he was ashamed, and that he regretted ever meeting her. I tried to get the "Why" out of him, but he just says he doesn't know why. He says once you go down that path, it's hard to turn back. I told him I don't understand even getting on the path, because I know what I would be risking if I did. I asked him didn't you know you were risking your family by doing this. He said yes, he did, but he still didn't know why he did it. I asked did he enjoy all the secrecy, hiding and the lies. He says no, he hated it every day. (THEN WHY KEEP DOING IT???)

I asked him did he love her. He said, haven't you ever loved more than one person at a time? I said I love lots of people, but the love I was talking about was reserved for one person at a time. So, I have a feeling he actually did feel love her, and she him, at least that is what they though. 

People, I don't know what to do. Are these crocodile tears? Is he really just missing DD, and willing to take me back so we can stay in the house with him? 

How could I ever touch him again, know KNOWING 100% that they had sex? It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, him touching her like he did me. How could I ever trust him out of my sight if I went back?

Should I keep my lawyer appointment for Monday at 4pm? It's just a free consultation, so I guess yes.

This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. I don't know where to go, where to turn. 

My mom had a talk with me last night. My dad cheated on her once. They worked it out. She says everyone deserves at just one second chance.


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## Danaerys (Aug 20, 2012)

I'd keep the appointment, like you said its just a consultation and it will be good to find out what your rights are in this situation.

I'd be a little concerned about the "haven't you ever loved two people at once" comment. 

Do you want to R? Bc if you do, then maybe just pay attention and see if his remorse continues. It almost sounds like he's just trying to get you to feel sorry for him though, like playing the victim, instead of truly being remorseful. 

You don't have to decide anything right now. I would still go see the lawyer, and just try to pay attention to what his intentions may really be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You need to talk to the OWH and find out what the hell is going on.
> 
> I also think that you're downplaying your relationship with your "friend". He supports you? Support you should be seeking from your husband? If you were putting that same energy into your relationship, things would likely be different. I think you're in an EA by definition.
> 
> ...


Wow! She's talking to a friend who has gone through the same situation she is going through, asking for advice and tips on how to cope, and you call that cheating? Isn't that a bit of a leap?

Because if what you say is true, every time a BS gets a reply from a fellow TAM user, maybe sends and receives some PMs that BS is a cheater, themselves!


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

OP, your WH is a serial cheater, he will cheat again, I never would recommend ending your marriage, but from what I read about WH, he isn't even close to changing his ways and if you take him back it will just reassure him that you will stay whatever he does. Couple things you need to always remember:

He cheated when you were pregnant, (I even couldn't do that to my W) right now, he should be taking care of you

He continued right after you initially caught him, and called the OW is real wife. He likes living a double life.. He won't stop

As I read your thread I am just saying to myself that he is working the OP and the OP is starting to fall for it. He is a master manipulator, he knows what he is doing.

He said he wants to die.... Read the latest thread from poster Somethingelse; Her WH says the same thing, is a Serial Cheater and Narcissist. Her WH and yours actually have a lot in common when getting caught. I posted on hers as well.

He is selfish and only cares about himself... I would know.

I am a serial cheater too.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's having a pity party. That's all.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like he is very conflicted about what he wants. I would continue with the lawyer and plan to D until he shows real remorse and change. "I don't know" isn't an acceptable answer to the why question. If he doesn't know why he did it, then how does he know he wouldn't do it again? It sounds like he doesn't even know for sure that he wants to stay with you.


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

I have never in my life been so confused...

So, my husband agreed to NC with his OW. I called the OWH to confirm that my husband did in fact call her and break things off, telling her he wanted his family more. He seems like he was devastated because HE hurt her, maybe more so than hurting me?

I went home. Since then, he has showed me no affection. I figured that he would be trying, to make things better, etc. But nothing. I asked him about it last night, and he says that I have never showed him affection. Of that, he is probably right. So, I told him, to fix this, or even start to fix this, we need to start changing things, to "date", to show affection, to try to reconnect.

But then, laying in bed, we talked for a while. He says when I do show him affection now, he is not sure if it is because I really love him, or because someone else showed an interest and I am just trying to keep him there. 

He also says he is happy that we are back, but right now nothing is making him happy, he just isn't happy with anything anymore. 

I found out from OWH today that is wife bought a 3rd burner phone before he confiscated her second one, and that when my husband called her to break up with her this Saturday, he called her on the new 3rd burner phone.

I am now wondering if this crying, begging, was all a cover up, a smoke screen, and now they both have new burner phones. 

If that is the case, and this was all for show, WHY is he trying so hard to keep me here?

What is he afraid of losing?

I already promised to keep running the business with him, no matter what. Sure, we would have to sell the house and split the money, or he would have to buy me out, but so what, right?

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???

The OWH wants me to not say anything and let's just watch them for now. 

Why is he tormenting me this way?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why are you tormenting yourself by staying?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> WHAT IS GOING ON HERE???


He's a cake eater. He never gave up OW. While actively cheating nothing you does/say means anything to him. Nothing. NOthing he mught say makes sense. Nothing.
Detach. Stop being nice. Kick him out. If he refuses pit a lock oin the bedroom. File. Hard 180. Finances, logistics. Bussiness like. Move on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

brokenmama said:


> I found out from OWH today that is wife bought a 3rd burner phone before he confiscated her second one, and that when my husband called her to break up with her this Saturday, he called her on the new 3rd burner phone.
> 
> I am now wondering if this crying, begging, was all a cover up, a smoke screen, and now they both have new burner phones.


Entirely possible. The most I've seen in this forum was a 3rd burner phone. But that doesn't mean they won't get more.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What was his consequence for cheating? Nothing really. He has a wife in his bed trying to figure out how to be affectionate and an OW who is desperately trying to contact him in any way possible. His ego is sky-high right now. He wants to keep both of you.

Has he agreed to marriage counseling? Full transparency? Are you watching everything he does? VAR? Key logger? Are you convinced that he couldn't re-establish contact with her?


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## brokenmama (May 27, 2012)

justonelife said:


> What was his consequence for cheating? Nothing really. He has a wife in his bed trying to figure out how to be affectionate and an OW who is desperately trying to contact him in any way possible. His ego is sky-high right now. He wants to keep both of you.
> 
> Has he agreed to marriage counseling? Full transparency? Are you watching everything he does? VAR? Key logger? Are you convinced that he couldn't re-establish contact with her?




You are right, aside from us being gone for 3 days there was no consequence for his cheating. 

We have not discussed counselling. I cannot see this as something he would ever do. Full transparency, yes. I go where he goes, (aside from jobs during the day). I have not used a VAR since the the beginning of this, where I overheard a conversation where they were getting ready to meet somewhere. Key logger is not necessary, as he never uses a computer. Only at home on my laptop, and if I check the history after he uses it, it's usually just stupid porn, which is something he always has done. 

No, I don't think I am convinced that the would not restablish contact with her. Her husband and I talk daily about things, their schedules, etc, trying to find if they are meeting again, etc. So far, nothing. But it has only been a few days. I have no proof that he had another burner phone since he gave me the original one to destroy. 

I do know she has one, and OWH and I don't really know why. It may be that he has another phone just like she does. I just can't figure out if they are so in love, and both want to be together, why does he keep me around? At this point, I can take moving on fairly easily. 

I know OW is planning to leave her husband regardless of what my husband does. OWH has already heard that from her. She "wants to know what else is out there." She is going through the change we think, and I am kinda thinking she pursued my husband, but, he still had the choice and he made that choice.

Personally, I am having trouble even being around him. Just being close to him turns my stomach, thinking about what they did together, probably without protection, even though he says they used it. OWH says she had a hysterectomy, so they probably used nothing since pregnancy wasn't an issue.

I just get sick thinking that he cheated on me physically, especially while I was pregnant. I laid in bed beside him at 5 am this morning, and I got so nauseous I had to get up and go in the TV room to sit.'

If it comes out finally that they are over, etc, and we are working on out marriage, how long will it take to get rid of this disgust and hate I feel for him right now? I am not even sure I love him enough to stay in the marriage anymore anyway.

Obviously, OWH and I are trying to give it some times, because if they are still on the sly, it will come out again.

It could be that when she moves into wherever it is she is going to go, my husband might follow and move in as well?

I have no proof of this yet, we are just waiting it out.

What is done it the dark always comes to the light....


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Look up rug sweeping. I think you are letting him off way too easy, not really checking up on him (VAR) and giving him no reason not to continue the affair, especially if OW is leaving her H. She will have a place for them to go and that will be an irresistible temptation to your H, especially since you haven't shown him that you do not condone his behavior.

Has he truly shown remorse and that he wants to be with YOU only?


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