# confused husband that misses his wife



## bbk4eva (May 13, 2011)

So my wife and are 29 and have been married since December of 2005. We have two beautiful little girls 4 and 2. When we were married we were very strict and following Christians. Our relationship was built on those Christian morals and practices we had learned. When I first met my wife she was going to AA since she believed that she had a drinking problem. She would black out quite often and it was to what her described as out of control. However during this time we have been very selfless to our kids and have never been on a vacation together.

Since we have been married our romance and sex life has been a little under emphasized as it is hard with the kids but we have always put in the effort on occasion eventhough it's not quite as often as we would like. I know I have always felt this way but I'm a patient man and I understand circumstances. After our second child she began having problems with random bleeding that would happen not during her period. This caused her to be tired and went on for about 6-10 months. Eventually she had an operation to remove the lining of her uterus and had it so she cannot have children anymore. Literally 2 months after that, she got in an accident that basically snapped the lower vertebrae in her spine. During this time she was laid up for about 9 months trying to recover from this waiting to follow insurance procedures leading up to her spinal fusion surgery. She had her spinal fusion surgery in February and her pain is finally gone. 

I'd just like to say that during this time I've been nothing but caring, by her side, taking care of her and being the best friend I can be. I wasn't pushing our sex life but I would always kiss her, hug her, and do anything else to show affection.

However as of the start of April we started having problems. It's almost like she is having a mid-life crisis. She started and completed her physical therapy and started working out which is great for her. Then it came where we started focusing on her image. She got hair extensions and got permanent eye liner and now that we're about to have our settlement we're talking plastic surgery. I'd just like to say that she is the most beautiful woman in the world and she doesn't have to change but I'll support her if she wants to. So at the start of April she started acting real cold towards me. The kisses were shorter and more like a peck than a kiss, the hugs weren't as loving, and she basically kept away from me as much as she could so it seemed. It almost seemed like she was doing her best to keep away from me like I had the plague. I also noticed our friendship started to lack. Well it took 2 weeks but I finally asked her about it. Apparently she feels though we're not connected anymore. She's tired of sitting around and doing nothing. She told me that she's felt disconnected from me the past 2 years but she never said anything. So the reason she's been doing what she is doing is because she doesn't feel like faking it anymore. What I don't understand is that during her surgeries she was telling me how great of a husband I was and how much she loved me. She literally bragged about me to people but now I'm just some boring guy. With this being said I agreed that we should do whatever to fix it. I agreed that it's been hard the past 2 years and she brought up vacation. I didn't mind that because I would love to go on a vacation with her. So we decided on Vegas and we're meeting all her friends that she left in California when she moved here back in 2004. I'm comfortable with that. Her solution to fixing us is to go on this vacation with her friends. However now she's informed me that she wants to start drinking again. I was a little nervous about this considering her alcoholic past but what choice did I really have? Apparently we needed some spice to our relationship from what she was telling me. She's not really that good at describing how she feels to anyone really. So now things haven't progressed for us in any way. I'm trying real hard by buying her flowers, taking her out to eat, showing her I love her, but she's still being very cold and distant. She thinks the problem will fix itself and she's not going to make any effort so it seems. So we've had a bunch of discussions about it and most have ended in a draw (or a loss if you look at it from a couple's standpoint) with me crying usually. I just want my wife to love me, I don't think that's too hard to ask is it?

So I decided to seek professional help so we could talk about things. She agreed and we're set up for next week so wish us luck. I really don't know what to do and I feel so defeated. I don't think I really deserve this but I don't understand why she is so bored with our marriage and our family. It almost feels like she resents us and I mean the kids too which totally breaks my heart. 

Can anyone give me suggestions or help? There's probably more details I could give but I just touched the surface on this


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

For myself personally, I like a take charge kind of guy, who tells me exactly what he wants. I like a man who does not allow himself to be disrespected, but is not a jerk and puts me first.

It turns me on and makes me hot for my fiance if he is dominate, if he makes decisions, and organizes things. If he does a bit of demanding dirty talk during the day, that really helps me think about it, and get worked up and ready for sex. I like it if he really takes the time after work to notice me too, to look at me, compliment me and flirt with me.



I don't know about your wife, but I think a lot of women try and take charge of everything, and get critical of their husbands, but this just makes them feel more pressured, like they can't rely on anyone, and they have to decide everything themselves. What I really want and I think a lot of women want is a reliable man, who takes care of them and who is honest and trustworthy and who notices them (kind of like in the beginning of a relationship). I want a more old fashioned relationship, but one where I matter and my opinions count, however at the end of the day my man will make the decisions and let me know he's the boss. To me it's very sexy.


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## bbk4eva (May 13, 2011)

she definitely likes to take charge of everything. but she claims it's our chemistry and romance together but i truly feel as though something just isn't right with her because i'm starting to feel that our friendship is suffering and she's been pretty nasty more than i'm used to. 

if i thought dominating her would help, i would do it but personally i think i'm just completely shutdown because she wants no part in me really and i don't understand why this just suddenly happened.


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## remakingmylife (Apr 18, 2011)

I have recently been researching mid-life crisis, and although I have a lot more research to do, it seems that a woman's mid-life crisis is more related to her fertility than it is specific to her age. Do you think that may be a possibility?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't control her, or dominate her but you can dominate your self by making positive and confident dicision. Let me quess..when she asks you something you say "what ever you want"?

You have lost your self and now need to find it, that confident man that asked her to marry her so many years ago. Granted the both of you have changed and it sound like she is finding you less attractive. Especially all the whinning and begging you've been doing.

I'm not suggesting you act like an ass and boss her around, but quet the oppisite. Let go! Go and take care of your self now she is better and the OM is taking care of her so please look at your self and make the changes you need for you not her. 

Through you're actions and dicision making you can show her a new confidence that she may find attractive...she may not. But the point is...it is your time...your time to stop letting her manage you and time to start managing your self.

I know it sound wierd and you will believe this will push her away, but she is almost gone any way so push. In what I mean is, show her a man that knows he will suceed with or with out her and a man that in no way wants to control her but control him self for him self.

Come on man you paid your dues and she can't see the love b/c someone else is influencing the dymanics of the marriage. So please stop all the begging and pity and stand up and make a commitment to you that you will be better with or with out her. It is her choice to follow. Or would like to follow?.It doesn't sound like it working!

She will see this and it will take time,but she will some day see a confident man that knows what he wants and it may not be her. Give her that perseption and you will see some change.

Face it right now she knows you aint going no were and and no matter how late she comes home at night you will be the one appologizing for it. 
You can't demand respect but you can earn it by not tolorating your current behavior and making a change ...not for her but for you, it is her choice to go along with you just like she did so many years ago.

GET IT?

People want what they can't have, and she has you every which way she wants. Just remember it is hard to show tough love but do it through actions and behaviors b/c as we all know talk is cheap.


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