# Somebody help me!!



## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

So our 10 year anniversary is in July. We have no kids together--I am feeling so lost right now. He is 9 years old than me, I will be 38 soon--and I don't know if I want this marriage any longer. I live in an affectionless marriage. I have begged, pleaded, initiated, cried for affection throughout our marriage except in the beginning when he showed it. I kept giving chance after chance, it will go good for a few weeks and then its like a circle it comes back around with nothing. No hugs, kisses, touches--nothing only when we are having sex. I feel so rejected sometimes when I have tried to get what I want by initiating and followed with a sigh or rolled eyes. I ask why he cant do these things I need and he says he doesn't know and he is not trying to hurt me. Everything is I don't know---well hell, if I knew maybe I could understand--but I don't freaking know either. I feel so lonely--I cannot stand being married and feeling alone. I cant do it anymore--he shuts completely down when I bring up the subject. He was so attractive when we first met, he had a nice job, he was supportive and attentive, affectionate, loving and caring--although we did have issues here and there--once, he told me he didn't show me affection and hold me cause he knew its what I wanted. I have told him I just don't want to be married anymore--and he is like ok, so I guess its it---he doesn't seem to care--or does he and he isn't talking to me because I have hurt him---I don't know what to do, I just want to be with someone who wants me--I feel so unwanted--anyone been through this??


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Downandsad said:


> So our 10 year anniversary is in July. We have no kids together--I am feeling so lost right now. He is 9 years old than me, I will be 38 soon--and I don't know if I want this marriage any longer. I live in an affectionless marriage. I have begged, pleaded, initiated, cried for affection throughout our marriage except in the beginning when he showed it. I kept giving chance after chance, it will go good for a few weeks and then its like a circle it comes back around with nothing. No hugs, kisses, touches--nothing only when we are having sex. I feel so rejected sometimes when I have tried to get what I want by initiating and followed with a sigh or rolled eyes. I ask why he cant do these things I need and he says he doesn't know and he is not trying to hurt me. Everything is I don't know---well hell, if I knew maybe I could understand--but I don't freaking know either. I feel so lonely--I cannot stand being married and feeling alone. I cant do it anymore--he shuts completely down when I bring up the subject. He was so attractive when we first met, he had a nice job, he was supportive and attentive, affectionate, loving and caring--although we did have issues here and there--once, he told me he didn't show me affection and hold me cause he knew its what I wanted. I have told him I just don't want to be married anymore--and he is like ok, so I guess its it---he doesn't seem to care--or does he and he isn't talking to me because I have hurt him---I don't know what to do, I just want to be with someone who wants me--I feel so unwanted--anyone been through this??


Thanks for posting. I can feel your struggle in your words. 

I would suggest you and your husband take the 5 love languages test (it is free online here: Home | The 5 Love Languages®

I'm guessing that physical touch might be your top one. I know for a fact this isn't the top one for your husband. So what is his? 

It is probably easy for him to withhold physical touch from you. My wife actually did this same thing to me (her love language is "Words of Affirmation"). If I wasn't speaking her love language (affirming her, validating her with words, etc.) she felt just like you are feeling -- that I didn't love her, nor care about her needs. I didn't realize that is what she needed because I needed Physical Touch -- and so I was simply more affectionate with her (what I needed), rather than giving her what she needed. 

This wasn't her love language, and so she interpreted my affection as just something I did to get her in the sack. So she withheld affection from me on purpose. This drove me to desire having sex with her even more because it seemed like the only time I would have her affectionate touch was during sex. Because her sex drive was "naturally" lower, she would intentionally withhold affection for fear of (get this) turning me on. She didn't realize that if she was more affectionate I would actually desire to have sex less, not more. 

It was only when I began to consistently speak her love language that she started becoming more affectionate. She was feeling so "affirmation starved" that she didn't feel like giving me affection or sex. I wasn't trying to starve her (I would tell her often that I loved her, etc.) but I didn't understand that I needed to go beyond just the "I love you" to communicating with her in ways that validate her feelings (especially not being critical or negative, but encouraging and saying things to build her up).

Obviously physical touch isn't what communicates love to your husband. What does? Maybe if you can find out, you can "speak his language" and he may start "speaking" yours, too. If both of you take the test and discuss it, this might bring up other things you two need to talk about, too.

Best wishes, and I hope you don't just throw in the towel before giving some things a shot first. Before you give up, getting marriage counseling would be a good idea, as well (if he's willing to go).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband sounds a little bit like mine, except mine never did show affection nor give words of affirmation.

We have been working on our marriage pretty intently for a while now. We did the emotional needs check list, we read the 5 Languages of Love, we discuss everything. And still... I can hear him reminding himself to touch me, I can hear him going through some mental check list of potential compliments and yet he still doesn't compliment.

I don't understand what it is about our husbands and other people like them. Passive agressive resentment at being asked to do something they find uncomfortable? Fear of rejection if they don't do it right? Stubborn refusal to meet our needs because that would be an admission that for a time they weren't? 

I just don't know the answer but I'm with you in spirit.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you told him you don't want to be married anymore, and he said ok, then you need to get the process started. Get a lawyer and get the ball rolling.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't make him care. Begin the separation/divorce process and if he wakes up and decides he will do what it takes to keep you, go from there. If he doesn't do that, then go from there.

The worst place to be is limbo. Some of us spend decades (or the rest of our lives) there. Don't do that. You are young with no children and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Take it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree you can't make him care but I'm not sure that has been determined. He may just put on a front. I think reading the books and going to marriage counseling is a better route to take right now. 

Some people aren't touchy-feely and won't show physical affection easily. He could be very pragmatic, have low T, depression... or disinterested. But it's worth going through the other ideas first, I think.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replies!! He has told me he wants to try yet again, I am just not sure I want to open myself up to it again. I guess I have emotionally checked out. I really don't want him to touch me right now, we go through this each time when I give him another chance, and each time, I have lost something for him. It seems I only give another chance because I feel sorry for him and I feel like what if he really does try this time and we could be happy forever--then a few weeks go by and I feel like crap again!! UGhhh I just dont want to make the wrong decision!! I think we might try MC, hopefully he can figure out what is wrong with him--dont get me wrong, I am not perfect and I am sure I have things I could work on as well--but I just dont want to live the rest of my life unhappy and as much as he has hurt me by rejecting me--I feel I should at least do the MC as a last resort!! I just dont want to waste my time as I am getting older and wanting a child, we were trying and using fertility meds, then I kept getting the cold shoulder and felt I was wasting my money, it made no sense to buy this medication if we werent going to be intimate. I do know I am tired of crying over this crap and tired of wondering what the hell is wrong with me as to why he doesnt want to touch me--or give me compliments or hold me at night!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do the MC for 6 months at least twice a month. Read His Needs Her Needs TOGETHER. Fill out Harley's Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. And spend at least 15 hours a week together without tv/computer/other people. Try new things together, classes, clubs, etc.

If nothing changes, then separate.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I hope you won't throw in the towel just yet. At least do the love language test and keep it light. It's really a fun test. Then a up the seriousness a bit with the needs test. 

I know marriage was precious to you at one time; fight for it! It's worth it.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Downandsad said:


> So our 10 year anniversary is in July. We have no kids together--I am feeling so lost right now. He is 9 years old than me, I will be 38 soon--and I don't know if I want this marriage any longer. I live in an affectionless marriage. I have begged, pleaded, initiated, cried for affection throughout our marriage except in the beginning when he showed it. I kept giving chance after chance, it will go good for a few weeks and then its like a circle it comes back around with nothing. No hugs, kisses, touches--nothing only when we are having sex. I feel so rejected sometimes when I have tried to get what I want by initiating and followed with a sigh or rolled eyes. I ask why he cant do these things I need and he says he doesn't know and he is not trying to hurt me. Everything is I don't know---well hell, if I knew maybe I could understand--but I don't freaking know either. I feel so lonely--I cannot stand being married and feeling alone. I cant do it anymore--he shuts completely down when I bring up the subject. He was so attractive when we first met, he had a nice job, he was supportive and attentive, affectionate, loving and caring--although we did have issues here and there--once, he told me he didn't show me affection and hold me cause he knew its what I wanted. I have told him I just don't want to be married anymore--and he is like ok, so I guess its it---he doesn't seem to care--or does he and he isn't talking to me because I have hurt him---I don't know what to do, I just want to be with someone who wants me--I feel so unwanted--anyone been through this??


One thing that I have learned is that begging and pleading does NOT work, so don't even bother with that. Do you think he might be depressed? My husband suffers from mild depression and I know that results in the apathetic response that is similar to what it seems like you are experiencing. And when I tell him maybe we should get a divorce, he also says "ok, fine" but then the next day he starts acting mopey because he is insulted that I would even bring up such a topic!

I agree with turnera's suggestion about spending more quality time together. My husband and I found an activity that we both enjoy together and it helps to at least start rebuilding a connection that was lost. The MC and books are good suggestions too.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you everyone, I am still not sure what I am going to do. I do love him very much--I guess just lost my desire to be in this marriage. I will try what you all have suggested, its hard to let go of my heart to do it, but I will give it a go I suppose!!


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

He probably doesn't think you're serious when you talk about leaving. Maybe if you let him know that you are really thinking of divorce he will take the books and other suggestions seriously and take action.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

I don't think he does, until I finally get so angry about it that I threaten to leave, that is when he says he will try to give me what I need. He always seems to act like he doesn't know what is going on. Like, he doesn't know why he cant do these things I need. He acts like he's like a little boy and doesn't understand or something. Earlier, he asked me what we were going to do. I told him I didn't know if I wanted to try and work things out. He said he needs to know because if I don't tell him then he doesn't know how to act towards me, which I understand--but I couldn't help but think even if I say I will give him a chance to try--then it wont make any difference anyways--so I just left it in limbo and never told him. That was the end of the conversation for the night!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thing to remember is that you can't MAKE him do anything. What you can do, is have a consequence ready if he doesn't. You want him to take you to dinner and he bails at the last minute. His consequence? You go out anyway and he's left at home fixing his frozen dinner for himself. It teaches him that you WILL be respected.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He's apathetic & may be happy with the status quo.

Get him to watch the movie "Hope Springs" with you. Tell him you want a real marriage again. Book a marriage counseling appointment, invite him to come along like the Meryl Streep character did in the movie & go alone if he won't go.

You need to shake him up because he doesn't take your words about leaving seriously.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

Well we did the 5 love languages test and I am of course Physical Touch and Word of Affirmation strong, he is Acts of Service and tied Receiving Gifts with Physical Touch. I don't know what all of this means as far as us together. We did talk about things and I explained in the best way to him how I need affection in my life. I actually realized I had even been jealous of our dog when he plays and pets him and I don't get any type of touch from him (that's nuts!!)! I used an example of how he is affectionate with his family and his children when he sees them and why he doesn't feel the need to show me he cares for me.. he ended up saying every thing I said is true and there is nothing for him to say--and that was it--ughhh--I get so frustrated cause he provides no type of discussion when we talk, he just always is agreeable with what I say. I don't know and even more lost that I was before this test....I even discussed his love language and asked him if I give him that type of love which he didn't say one way or the other, any advice from anyone?? Do you think he will open up to a MC??


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I can't believe you stayed that long. I usually figure things like that out during dating.

If you really yearn for affection and have to beg him for it, you should leave. A gentleman will always just give affection to his wife.


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## Downandsad (Apr 9, 2012)

He wasn't always unaffectionate, although I must say we did argue about it a bit before we got married. I think the main reason I stayed is because I have always wanted a family with kids and after I met them, I couldn't find it in me to leave, however I soon found out he wasn't the best father and I pushed him into their lives, and they were able to build a good relationship with him. I love them and I just thought maybe it was God letting me have the only kids in my life that I could have since I wasn't getting pregnant. Through all of this we would go through me being upset about no affection and me giving him chances--me being unhappy but just settling I guess--but now I realize or have gotten so fed up that I have come to the end of me putting my feelings to the side. I have a war within myself of feeling guilty with leaving him and feeling I want to get what I need or just be alone!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, he has the knowledge now of what it is that you need. Set a time limit in your mind. Try getting to MC, and if he makes no effort to meet your needs within X amount of months, then be done. (make sure YOU are making the effort to meet his, too) I am like you and need that physical affection. I wither without it, I'm miserable. And if your partner cant or refuses to meet such an important need for you, you will never be happy in the relationship.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

When someone tells you who they are, listen! He's told you he doesn't want affection, that sometimes he withholds it because he knows you want it, and that it's fine with him if you divorce. Please do yourself a HUGE favor and get out. Don't spend another minute begging, pleading, and hoping. This isn't how it has to be, but it is how it will be with him. At least that's what I think given his attitude and past behavior. He's apathetic and probably always will be.


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