# She is going to file for divorce



## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Not sure what I am looking for here.

My wife of almost 12 years, with 4 kids, is going to file for divorce. A few months ago she told me the standard ILYBIANILWY speech. I tried to find evidence of an affair, but so far have come up short even though I am pretty confident that there is an EA going on with one of her coworkers.

It doesn't seem to matter at this point. I've been trying to engage her in conversation, been asking her to go out and have some fun, but to no avail.

Last night, as I was sitting on the couch talking to her about her day, she was messaging someone on Facebook about their lawyer contact info (they are going through a divorce, much messier than ours due to confirmed cheating/abuse). I just found out now. 

I am crushed and embarassed that I wasn't able to be the man she wanted. We went to MC and went through a bunch of stuff that said that I was too passive in the relationship and she wanted excitement. She isn't willing to try with me anymore as I step up my game.

I don't know what to do. 180? Keep up with my current track of being more communicative with her despite getting nothing back? Any scenario I come up with has me mentally envisioning ending with her calling it quits. We have so much potential and I do love her very much, but haven't done a good job of it.

It is the standard phrase I suppose - you do not know what you have until you've lost it. As I look back, in my mind, everything I've done was for her benefit but never told her that. I just figured she knew. 

Now I've got to go through this. I am feeling so low inside but am putting on a brave face for the kids. I am scared for them. 

I do not know my next step. If anyone has some advice or ideas I am more than receptive. Thanks.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I was too passive in the relationship and she wanted excitement.


I bet having her served with divorce papers will excite her.

As for her EA, do you have a keylogger on her computer? Can you check her text's? Did you buy a VAR?

Do you know if the other co worker has a wife/gf? Exposing the affair with evidence to family/friends/coworkers is the best method to stop it.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> I bet having her served with divorce papers will excite her.
> 
> As for her EA, do you have a keylogger on her computer? Can you check her text's? Did you buy a VAR?
> 
> Do you know if the other co worker has a wife/gf? Exposing the affair with evidence to family/friends/coworkers is the best method to stop it.


No keylogger on the computer as there wouldn't be anything there really. The EA happens at work. There are texts, but the backup file I downloaded from her iPhone has yielded nothing so far - are iMessages saved in the backup file? She doesn't sync the phone a lot.

Have a VAR and will put it in the car soon - she is going out for happy hour on Monday with her work friends including the potential EA. But again, I don't expect it to yield much. 

The potential EA has a girlfriend and they have a child together. If I had proof of an affair, I would expose. I know the drill. But right now there is nothing.

And that is the problem - there is nothing. All it is right now is that my wife is done with our relationship. I don't make her happy enough. I wish that wasn't the case, but here I stand (sit). It feels terrible.

I've read a tonne of stuff here. I cling to the stories of Shamwow and DailyGrind because of their outcomes. Here it seems that it is just a case of it ending. 

I don't want it to make it feel that I am sorry for myself - there are many things I regret and I wish were better (and that goes both ways). I am about to lose someone very special to me. I just need to get that out I suppose.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

First hope for the best but plan for the worst. Which is your wife leaving you for a pos.

For the happy hour, is it something you can send a friend to check out/take pictures if anything over the top happens?

Is she coming from work late? or working on weekends? If so GPS will come in handy.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

So many new posters with the same stories.

I get you. Same sitch, except I have 2 children. 12 years married, total 16. There was a brief, 3 week EA last summer just to confirm to herself that she was done. Separated soon after. There is no other man, after that episode. She enjoys her independence now, hanging out with her girlfriend going to dinner or to the movies. That hurts. I was dumped for no one.

I moved out. 3 months later, I filed for D. Didn't tell her anything, although, up to that point, we were amicable. Then, with lawyers involved, our amicable relationship turned real ugly. I drank everyday to numb the pain. Then a few months after that, I sobered up, had a Jesus moment, and put the D on hold. Came to her and asked her for MC, reconciliation, etc. I filed out of fury and hurt. She was done. Our mediation will start back up in another month. 

I am determined to do this while maintaining an amicable relationship. We split the children overnights 50-50. We do family time on the weekends. Etc. I wasted a lot of money on pure emotions. Regret.

All of this took place in 9-10 months. I am in pain like you wouldn't believe.

Started a modified 180, lost 25 pounds, working out, cut drinking, attending church, praying, reading self-help/relationship books, in IC, open to others, outgoing, upbeat, etc. Making changes for ME since I was depressed for the past 3 years. Wife appreciates the changes I am making, but that's all.

My wife is fearful that these changes won't last if we get back together. All of the what ifs. She doubts I could forgive her. She wants me to be with someone who will truly love me and make me happy. She loves me, but is not in love with me. We lived as friends with children--put their needs before ours. She lost her loving feeling for me and can't get it back. She feels so much guilt.

All of the standard lines that mean that she has chosen not to love me anymore, nor wants to put in the energy/commitment at saving the marriage with me. Not for me. Not for the children. She thinks she will be happier without me, whether that will be with someone else, or by herself.

She stopped loving me a while ago. Began detaching a few years ago. I isolated myself and drank instead of realizing what was going on and addressing it.

On the path of detachment/healing/moving on, she is a few years down that path, while I am just starting out, against my feelings and wishes. I still love her. But.....

It's hard. TAM has been helpful, and I just joined in March. I need to become friends with others, because I isolated myself to the point where I don't have any now. Which, makes it that much harder.

I hope you find peace, especially for your children. It is hard for them as well. Just devote yourself to them. 

Take it minute by minute. Post often and seek advice. Start the 180 and control what you can control. Live in the moment. Appreciate your blessings. Many say they have experienced this and worse and that their lives are better now than ever. I can't imagine that now, but, many have said it.

I wish you the best.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Having just gone through my ex-wife doing something similar, let me offer up what I learned the hard way.
I loved her completely. She was everything to me, but like you, I guess I didn't convey that well enough. I tried to keep up communication, she just threw it in my face. I tried going 180, she just got used to me not being around (she moved out ASAP). Ultimately I discovered she was having an affair, which is one reason why she was just so horrible to me at the end. Her guilt (I'm assuming) made her act like a complete b!tch to me in order to hide the truth.

Anyway... what I'm getting at is it sounds like your wife has completely disconnected from you and the marriage. You don't want to hear that. I know I didn't. My advice is save yourself as much agony as you can. Realize _*NOW*_ that the relationship is over. Done. She is as good as gone. Accept that this is what _she_ wants and that no matter how hard _you_ try, there is not one damn thing you can do to change her mind. If you can, ask her to leave the house now or you move out. Staying around her will only drag out the pain. Tell her to file the papers now, or you will. Show no remorse, because she is showing you none. This will put you in control of the situation again, which you need, trust me. And then it will do one of two things, she will either be shocked that you grew a pair and might start wondering if this really is the right track OR it will move the process along in the direction its already taking, only you'll be getting on with it faster and you'll be taking some initiative. Something that you've lost. Either way, you'll know.

I wish I had listened to this kind of advice, instead I pinned, and pinned and waited. Finally I did find out about the affair and that prompted me to file the papers. I did take some control, but by then I had endured more that a month of just flat out hell. I'm still dealing with the fallout from it. So save yourself from that, realize that the woman that you love is gone and treat her like she's treating you. You'll come out the other end better. Trust me.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

keko said:


> Is she coming from work late? or working on weekends? If so GPS will come in handy.


With an iPhone, if he knows her iTunes password he can track her phone using Find my iPhone through iCloud.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Jayb said:


> So many new posters with the same stories.
> 
> I get you. Same sitch, except I have 2 children. 12 years married, total 16. There was a brief, 3 week EA last summer just to confirm to herself that she was done. Separated soon after. There is no other man, after that episode. She enjoys her independence now, hanging out with her girlfriend going to dinner or to the movies. That hurts. I was dumped for no one.
> 
> ...


Yeah - that sounds familiar. Not proud of it, but I am putting down a few drinks every night before bed. She'll say that she is tired and head for bed (at 9:30pm), and I'll be left by mysekl. Say I'll check my email or something and sit by myself and stew and regret. I know what she is planning, it is obvious (checking credit scores, etc). I feel powerless.

Part of me wants to do what *keko* suggested and beat her to the punch and present _her_ with the papers first. I just don't want that story spinned in the future of how "your Daddy left you" kind of thing.

I talked on the phone with our MC today - he was along the lines of "well, if she is going to do it, prepare yourself". I was hoping for some magic phrase that I could say and make it all revert back to a mutually happier time. That can't happen.

I *hate* being here. A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say, so I am thankful for being able to vent here. Is there a happy ending? I can't see it now. I hope there is and I plan on keeping sharing if you all will listen. Thanks.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Part of me wants to do what *keko* suggested and beat her to the punch and present _her_ with the papers first. I just don't want that story spinned in the future of how "your Daddy left you" kind of thing.


As much as you're sad/angry at the situation you're in, I think this is the only and best actions you can do. Do your best to get evidence. If you can gether enough evidence you could try R and hopefully fix it(very likely), if not at least she can't pull the "my husband left me" card to family/friends/kids.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

SRN said:


> Having just gone through my ex-wife doing something similar, let me offer up what I learned the hard way.
> I loved her completely. She was everything to me, but like you, I guess I didn't convey that well enough. I tried to keep up communication, she just threw it in my face. I tried going 180, she just got used to me not being around (she moved out ASAP). Ultimately I discovered she was having an affair, which is one reason why she was just so horrible to me at the end. Her guilt (I'm assuming) made her act like a complete b!tch to me in order to hide the truth.
> 
> Anyway... what I'm getting at is it sounds like your wife has completely disconnected from you and the marriage. You don't want to hear that. I know I didn't. My advice is save yourself as much agony as you can. Realize _*NOW*_ that the relationship is over. Done. She is as good as gone. Accept that this is what _she_ wants and that no matter how hard _you_ try, there is not one damn thing you can do to change her mind. If you can, ask her to leave the house now or you move out. Staying around her will only drag out the pain. Tell her to file the papers now, or you will. Show no remorse, because she is showing you none. This will put you in control of the situation again, which you need, trust me. And then it will do one of two things, she will either be shocked that you grew a pair and might start wondering if this really is the right track OR it will move the process along in the direction its already taking, only you'll be getting on with it faster and you'll be taking some initiative. Something that you've lost. Either way, you'll know.
> ...


You're right. Beat her to the punch. I am having a hard time dealing that it has come to this point. Selfishly, I feel like a loser that got divorced. Maybe that feeling is clouding my judgement of realizing that it isn't going to work an be done with it.

Ironically, I feel that part of the reason that she hasn't told me already is that my aunt died earlier this month. We are going to a memorial service tomorrow, so this obviously wouldn't be the time to file paperwork. The fact is though is that my aunt is divorced from my uncle (uncle is the blood relative). While she kept the surname, he trotted off on his own life. They were separated from almost 30 years before he officially divorced her for his new wife. The obituary only listed her side of the family as relatives that were grieving her - very sad overall. Don't like that future for us...


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Yeah - that sounds familiar. Not proud of it, but I am putting down a few drinks every night before bed. She'll say that she is tired and head for bed (at 9:30pm), and I'll be left by mysekl. Say I'll check my email or something and sit by myself and stew and regret. I know what she is planning, it is obvious (checking credit scores, etc). I feel powerless.
> 
> Part of me wants to do what *keko* suggested and beat her to the punch and present _her_ with the papers first. I just don't want that story spinned in the future of how "your Daddy left you" kind of thing.
> 
> ...



That's what you'll get here. Lots of advice on how to prepare. I'm the worst about hope. However, I realize real hope may come when I do the things I want/need to do for ME. However, it probably won't. And, a part of me is ok with that. I am in love with a wman from a few years ago. I idolize that "happy" time. But, that was years ago. She has changed. So, all of the 180 and improving myself can't be aimed at returning to who she is now at this moment. 

I cling to the past. Fear the future. But, all of the begging, crying, pleading, promising only pushed her further down the road. It doesn't make me look attractive.

You can't control how she feels, ever. Even if. And, if similar to my situation, you'll both separate/divorce and eventually she'll regret her decision. Then what? Hopefully, you'll have healed to do what you want. OR, she'll carry those regrets and won't seek reconciliation out of pride/guilt/embarassment.

The children suffer as well, especially, if everything between you two was great (no abuse/addiction/arguing/affair). That's what was so shocking to our children and friends and family. From the outside looking in, we had the ideal marriage. People can't understand that we just grew apart, or, the love died, or we're good friends.....especially, our children. Our children saw us and experienced us as 2 loving parents. We continue that in front of them, albeit living in 2 separate places now.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Jayb said:


> The children suffer as well, especially, if everything between you two was great (no abuse/addiction/arguing/affair). That's what was so shocking to our children and friends and family. From the outside looking in, we had the ideal marriage. People can't understand that we just grew apart, or, the love died, or we're good friends.....especially, our children. Our children saw us and experienced us as 2 loving parents. We continue that in front of them, albeit living in 2 separate places now.


See - that is what I don't get. I mean, I do, but... I talk about potential. We've grown complacent in the past but we can work on that. There was a reason we got married. She says she can't remember that reason now. 

I've got three of our four kids with me now (took the day off work - kids are on Easter break). We are having a great time (I'm not spending *that* much time one here). Their world is about to be shattered soon and I have to pretend right now it won't.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> See - that is what I don't get. I mean, I do, but... *I talk about potential. We've grown complacent in the past but we can work on that. There was a reason we got married. She says she can't remember that reason now. *
> I've got three of our four kids with me now (took the day off work - kids are on Easter break). We are having a great time (I'm not spending *that* much time one here). Their world is about to be shattered soon and I have to pretend right now it won't.


My wife said the same thing. Read about the Walk Away Wife syndrome. Are we to blame as much as they? absolutely. I got caught up in the routine. Took her and us for granted. Spoke and understood different love languages (book - 5 Love Languages). I turned it on to autopilot. Neither of us communicated where we were at and what we were feeling. Rather, an EA occurred, along with the ILYBINILWY speech.

You will have to communicate the situation soon enough to the children. So painful. Several times we just sat on the floor all crying, while I held them. It was horrible. And, just because they adjust well, doesn't mean their questions and attitudes resurface again and again, etc.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> You're right. Beat her to the punch. I am having a hard time dealing that it has come to this point. Selfishly, I feel like a loser that got divorced. Maybe that feeling is clouding my judgement of realizing that it isn't going to work an be done with it.


I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, this is going to be the worst, most truamatic thing you have ever experienced. But the sooner you take control of your life, the sooner you can start navigating out of it. You are not a loser. I fought with that too. Still do and probably will for awhile longer. You may have been distant, neglected her emotional needs, but _she_ is the one giving up. _She_ is the loser here. She's walking away. She's not putting the effort in. And the sooner you realize that you can't _make_ her put any effort in, the better off you'll be.



EADGBe said:


> See - that is what I don't get. I mean, I do, but... I talk about potential. We've grown complacent in the past but we can work on that. There was a reason we got married. She says she can't remember that reason now.
> 
> I've got three of our four kids with me now (took the day off work - kids are on Easter break). We are having a great time (I'm not spending *that* much time one here). Their world is about to be shattered soon and I have to pretend right now it won't.


You can only work on it if there is a we. There is no we anymore. There is a you and a her. And she's done. There was a reason that you got married. No one gets married to get divorced. But that reason is no longer valid because the woman that you married is gone. She remembers why, shes just saying that to hurt you and push you away. Take the hint. I still think of my wedding day, of the vows we made. Of the love that we had for one another. It hurts, but you have to say good bye to that bride. She is just a memory now. Everything else is just smoke and ashes. It doesn't apply any more.

I don't have kids, so I guess I'm lucky in that sense, but yes. Put up a good front for them, but don't completely sacrifice your well being to do it. The kids will know, sooner or later.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

SRN said:


> I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, this is going to be the worst, most truamatic thing you have ever experienced. But the sooner you take control of your life, the sooner you can start navigating out of it. You are not a loser. I fought with that too. Still do and probably will for awhile longer. You may have been distant, neglected her emotional needs, but _she_ is the one giving up. _She_ is the loser here. She's walking away. She's not putting the effort in. And the sooner you realize that you can't _make_ her put any effort in, the better off you'll be.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's it - keep slapping me into reality. That's the problem right now, I'm not in reality.

We've got a long drive ahead of us tomorrow to my aunt's memorial. 2 hours up and two hours down. I can use that time to maybe somehow find out where she is in her mind. If nothing positive comes out of it, talk to the lawyer again and draw up the papers. 

Easy to say now when the action point is days away.. I wish there was something more concrete I could hang my hat on and say that "this, this is exactly why this is hapening", but I'm not likely to get that luxury.

Onwards and upwards, right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Talking too her won't change her mind. You talk too much already. I suspect you are an all talk no action type guy. 

Ignore her on the trip. Don't say a word. If she doesn't want to be your wife, treat her like a passenger.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Talking too her won't change her mind. You talk too much already. I suspect you are an all talk no action type guy.
> 
> Ignore her on the trip. Don't say a word. If she doesn't want to be your wife, treat her like a passenger.


So step up and divorce her, right?

Terrible excuse, but the logistics of navigating four kids is overwhelming when we can barely keep it up together. I suppose she'll have the same problem, but she has a support network and I don't.

I hate feeling this useless. Please keep slapping me.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> That's it - keep slapping me into reality. That's the problem right now, I'm not in reality.


No you are not. You will not be for awhile, trust me. I'm still walking around in a daze most of the time. I have dreams where we are still together, that she stayed to work it out. Then I wake up and reality is an empty bed and an empty house. Like I said, not sugar coating it, this is unfortunately the future you are most likely heading for. Prepare yourself the best you can.



> We've got a long drive ahead of us tomorrow to my aunt's memorial. 2 hours up and two hours down. I can use that time to maybe somehow find out where she is in her mind. If nothing positive comes out of it, talk to the lawyer again and draw up the papers.


Tread carefully. You already know where her mind is, she's done. She has said as much. So talk, yes, but don't try and convince her of your position. Accept what she has said as fact, let her know that you accept it. Try and move towards an amblicable conclusion, because I hate to say it, thats sounds like the only option you have.
I kept trying to push my wife to talk things through, and she just lost it and started to shred me to bits. We ended basically hating each other. Horrible.



> Easy to say now when the action point is days away.. I wish there was something more concrete I could hang my hat on and say that "this, this is exactly why this is hapening", but I'm not likely to get that luxury.


You will never know the "why". Thats the truth. Even though my wife ended up having an affair, and that is nominally the "why", the real why of her choosing to do that will likely never be known to me. And its porbably not even known to her. Something "changed". She stopped "feeling" that way for me. Whatever.
Get your mind in a position that _you_ are not at fault here and all you can do is damage control on your own life. Because really, that is all that you can do.



> Onwards and upwards, right?


Eventually, yes.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

She came home from work tonight - looked amazing as always. 

She is out for a walk right now, trying to lose a few pounds. In my opinion, she doesn't need to, but if it helps her feel better about herself, great.

I know what you are all thinking - she is doing this for her new man. Maybe, but she has always tried to lose weight since the day we first met. If it makes her happy, then fine.

It is hard to look at her, knowing what I know. She is pretending everything is copacetic as she plans her exit. I really hate this.

What a waste.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sucks, but you might as well prepare.

https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374


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## OutOfTheBlue (Nov 4, 2011)

I am just going to add to what has already been said. She is gone. She has emotionally detached herself from you. Whatever you do, do not try to talk to her about this. It won't help.

She either wants to be your wife or she doesn't, there's no half way house when it comes to this. She has made it clear. Let her go. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will get your life back in order.

Listen to the advice you are being given by people here, even if it's not what you want to hear. There is a lot of experience behind that advice.

Good luck


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> No you are not. You will not be for awhile, trust me. I'm still *walking around in a daze *most of the time. I have dreams where we are still together, that she stayed to work it out. Then I wake up and reality is an empty bed and an empty house. Like I said, not sugar coating it, this is unfortunately the future you are most likely heading for. Prepare yourself the best you can.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I feel as though I'm in a daze too. I keep calling it shellshocked.

It is frustrating that our wives chose these decisions over others. I know my shortcomings in the marriage. I'm sorry for them. Sometimes, spouses refuse any ownership of the failed marriage. I had a part in the way our marriage ended up. I wish I could correct my mistakes.

Once WAW's are detached, it's nearly impossible at bringing them back. They spent a long time detaching, only to finally come to you to communicate they're out. Now, faced with that, YOU have to detach, whether you want to or not.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

We are getting ready to go to the memorial service. She comes to me asking to help zip up her dress. Damn.
Putting myself in a place in my mind where I can do this. I think I should wait until my next paycheck is deposited, then move 50% of the combined balance to a private account I've opened, see the lawyer and get the paperwork done and give it to her Monday night the 23rd.
God grant me strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit being melodramatic and just do it. Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Quit being melodramatic and just do it. Sheesh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I like being melodramatic... 

You're right. Action. Still need to wait a week for the additional paycheck to come in. I'll have that whole week off work starting the 23rd, so that will help. Don't know her timeline yet, but obviously want to beat her to the punch.

Question though - I give her the papers, then what? I don't want to turn tail and leave the house, but is it better that I do for a few days?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> Question though - I give her the papers, then what? I don't want to turn tail and leave the house, but is it better that I do for a few days?


Abondenment can be used against you in court. 

Whose involved more with the kids? If you are you should take note of every single thing you do with the kids. Helped hw, took to dr's, etc. It'll come in handy if you do end up in court for child custody.

edit: Exposure should be hard whether you do it today, next week or whenever. Plan your every action beforehand, people to call, email, message, etc. Tell anyone and everyone of her affair, her lack of interest in fixing etc. Hopefully it'll hit her hard and she'll be sorry, then you might give her a chance for R, but plan for the worst case scenario.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't leave, ask her to leave. If she won't then ask her to sleep on the couch b/c you no longer want to share the maritial bed with an adultous ex wife.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> Don't leave, ask her to leave. If she won't then ask her to sleep on the couch b/c you no longer want to share the maritial bed with an adultous ex wife.


I have no concrete proof of an affair at this point. Lots of circumstantial evidence, but no smoking gun. At this point, it is just two people who have grown apart.
The trip yesterday was quiet. She didn't speak a a lot on the drive up and through the service (although she did cry during it, which in some ways is a little comforting since she wasn't her relative). Afterwards, we did a little shopping and went to dinner at a restaurant we used to like when we lived there. She was amicable and we talked a little about work stuff and other things. As we drove back home, she slept most of the way. Once we got home, we put the kids to bed, and she headed for bed herself with her Nook and fell asleep sometime shortly after that.

As for me, I spent most of my time planning the future. I bounce back from sad and confused to "hey, this plan could really work in my favor". Par for the course I suppose. 

Our youngest daughter's birthday is at the start of May. I'm guessing she wouldn't move before that so as not to "ruin" it. Gives me a chance to file before her on my timeline.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

keko said:


> Abondenment can be used against you in court.
> 
> Whose involved more with the kids? If you are you should take note of every single thing you do with the kids. Helped hw, took to dr's, etc. It'll come in handy if you do end up in court for child custody.
> 
> edit: Exposure should be hard whether you do it today, next week or whenever. Plan your every action beforehand, people to call, email, message, etc. Tell anyone and everyone of her affair, her lack of interest in fixing etc. Hopefully it'll hit her hard and she'll be sorry, then you might give her a chance for R, but plan for the worst case scenario.


Abandonment is different for different states. Find out what your state defines it as. Mine says 1 yr and not being financially supportive. 

Try not to leave if you want you kids. It's hard as he!! being in the house when you are going through this but you have to plan ahead. 

My lawyer gave me the same advice. Plan for the worst case scenario. Let him leave it will look bad for him and sole custody will be easier for me to get. I document how often he talks to them and sees them (it's not looking good for him).


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Wow. What a fight that was...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Wow. What a fight that was...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want to tell us about it?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You want to tell us about it?


Yes. Sorry - had to head to bed last night right after it.

We were sitting on the couch watching TV and the show ended. I got up and turned the TV off and she asked if I wanted to talk.

I sat down and asked here where she was in her process. She said that she thought it was a good idea if we separated for a year and then see where we stood.

I told her I wasn't willing to do that, if she wanted it over then it would have to be divorce. We would have to put the house up for sale and move forward with our lives. I told her that I would expect 50% time with the kids.

She was aghast that I was asking for this - how dare I screw up the kids' lives. 

I asked her if her vision was her staying in the house with the kids and me gone. She said yes. Told her that wasn't going to happen - she could leave if she didn't want to stay together. She said she could never leave - she was the kids' mother and that position had some priviledge.

So we went back and forth on the topic. She became angry - says that she never thought I would stab her in the back like this. I explained to her that I wanted to keep the family together, but it seamed like I was the only one trying.

We then got on the topic of her potential EA partner. I told her my suspicions, she of course laughed it off as "just a friend", and "he has his own family" and "I can't have any male friends?" I explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with the level of emotional intimacy they give each other. Lots of denial on her part, but again, I have no proof.

At the end of the discussion, she asked what I wanted to do to go forward. I said that I wanted us to go back to MC, since I still believe that our relationship and family are worth fighting for. And with that, I got off the couch and went to bed. She came along 15 minutes later or so and said something along the lines of "you better make sure that MC is what you want as you seem to have some deep resentments of me".

This morning, as I was leaving for work, she reiterated that I had better make sure that our staying together was what we wanted to work on and she "saw a side of me last night that had fangs out". I said that I'm sorry she felt that way and left.

I imagine that she is at her lawyer's office right now. She (and I) know that the court will most likely rule in her favor on custody and division of assets, but we'll see.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why would you say the court will rule in her favor?

I see MC as a good step. Did you explain how EA starts and turns into PA? Maybe she realized it a little or needs to understand a bit more.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> Why would you say the court will rule in her favor?
> 
> I see MC as a good step. Did you explain how EA starts and turns into PA? Maybe she realized it a little or needs to understand a bit more.


The court generally favors whatever outcome has the least disruption to the childrens' lives. In this case, that would be them staying in the same house, with their mother/my wife being primary caregiver. I would end up paying child and probably spousal support (I make twice what she does). Forcing the sale of the house to gain my share of the equity seems almost vindictive as and selfish (especially in her mind) versus what is best for the kids.

She knows about EAs. A few weeks ago, she had read several articles on the subject. Don't know what prompted her to go searching for that information though.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> She knows about EAs. A few weeks ago, she had read several articles on the subject. Don't know what prompted her to go searching for that information though.


Constantly remind her of EA and what the outcome's would bring into not only your lives but the kids aswell. 

Seeing stories by other people with much worse condition's then your's make it, I believe your's can easily do it as well. 

If you can, find/read DailyGrind's thread. Its very similar to yours.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> We then got on the topic of her potential EA partner. I told her my suspicions, she of course laughed it off as "just a friend", and "he has his own family" and "I can't have any male friends?" I explained to her that I wasn't comfortable with the level of emotional intimacy they give each other. Lots of denial on her part, but again, I have no proof.


You don't want to hear this, I know I didn't when every one told me, but she's having a physical affair. 
Obviously, I was not there. I didn't see her body language or hear her tone of voice, but this is practically vebatim what my ex-wife said to me. Denial, anger that I would accuse her of that, "just a friend". Month and a half later it was confirmed. She kept denying that it happened while she lived with me, but how could I possibly beleive that? Textbook behavior. Start reading into the signs of affairs, you'll see it too even though you'll keep telling yourself that you don't.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You handled her well... knocked her off balance. Keep it up and don't give in. Get to a lawyer and know your rights. I think you are making assumptions that may not be true about support and custody.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You handled her well... knocked her off balance. Keep it up and don't give in. Get to a lawyer and know your rights. I think you are making assumptions that may not be true about support and custody.


As it turns out, we just had a conversation. She is done. She wants to separate. Her idea is that in six months one of us will realize that "oh no, we've made a mistake". In my mind, no.

I will file next week - no separation, straight to divorce. It is going to be tough as I don't have any kind of support network, while she has an extensive one. (more melodramatic stuff...)

She wants to keep it amicable because of the kids. I feel that she is using me to make her life easier. I care deeply for my kids and hate to put them through this. 

Tomorrow, I tell my parents. Not sure what reaction I'll get as there is a long backstory behind my marriage . 

I need to move on with my life, but my STBXW is making me feel guilty about it that I also have plans for myself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I need to move on with my life, but my STBXW is making me feel guilty about it that I also have plans for myself.


Well of course she is going to do that. Up to this point she has been calling the shots in the relationship, and today you took the power away from her. Bullies like her don't like it when they have their power stripped from them.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you haven't yet, expose her EA to her family and friends. Sooner or later she'll start feeding them lies. You don't have to go into detail but telling them that there is another man involved in the picture would be enough.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> If you haven't yet, expose her EA to her family and friends. Sooner or later she'll start feeding them lies. You don't have to go into detail but telling them that there is another man involved in the picture would be enough.


I don't have any concrete proof of an EA - all her family and friends know about this guy anyways. 

At this point, it is time to move on to the 180.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Go hard 180. No marital behavior. No affection, no laughing or joking, all business. Treat her like a plant, or a piece of furniture.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Go hard 180. No marital behavior. No affection, no laughing or joking, all business. Treat her like a plant, or a piece of furniture.


If I treated her like a piece of furniture, I'd be sitting on her... 

All of our conversations over the last few days, and I imagine later tonight, will be about "what is best for the kids". While I am on board with making their lives as easy as possible, it appears that everything that does make their life easier is a negative effect on my life.

Such a range of emotions all day. Everyone here knows that. From feeling good that there is going to be a new future, to the lowest of the lows, looking at what a waste this whole thing is.

...venting here... Part of her problem with me over the last few years of our marriage is that I was always shooting down stuff to do as a family because we didn't have the money (four kids are expensive). And it was true - we didn't. I was the only one working for the most of our time together and when she was working, it put such a strain on family time due to her rigid hours that it somewhat seemed like it wasn't worth it. We are finally in a place where the financial situation has improved - she is working with better hours and we've paid off all our debt - we have positive cash flow every month now. While things will always be tight, we have the flexibility to do more stuff and connect as a family. Now all that is going to be shot to heck.

She is still annoyed from the fight on Sunday night. She has her back up now because I told her that because she was the one who wanted to break up the family, then she should leave. She thought that was incredibly offensive ("how dare you"). She said that she would never take the kids away from me (I believe her), and was offended that I suggested that I would do that to her. She now thinks I am some horrible monster.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's trying to manipulate you. Its called gaslighting and cheaters like her do it well. 

Don't back down. Protect yourself legally, secure your income and finances, and stay tight with your lawyer. 

Keep the 180 folded up in your back pocket. Make it your daily bread. It will be hard to implement at first, but soon it will become second nature and you will be amazed at what it does for you and your self worth.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

keko said:


> Sucks, but you might as well prepare.
> 
> https://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?t=13374


I'll remind this once again.


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