# Feeling betrayed



## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Two years ago my husband started a new job. I quit my job after our son was born 2.5 years ago and I am now a stay at home mom. He started talking about his coworker (a woman) often at home. Finding ways to bring her up in conversation. We had friends over for brunch and he starts talking about her and how everyone thinks she looks like Sarah Jessica Parker. I just looked at him like WTF?! I started to feel insecure. I had just had a baby 6 months ago. He picked a fight with me on my first Mothers Day. He told me he didn't know if we should be together anymore. I spent the whole day crying. We talked things out and he said he needed to see changes in me. He continued to bring her up. He started almost comparing me to her. We went on a walk one day and he started talking about what he likes about her and how she's so adventurous, active and likes to try new things. He told me I was rigid and should be more adventurous. I flipped out. I accused him of comparing me to her. I started to become even more insecure. He told me that he thought she was interested in him. That on his first day she asked if he was married. She later told him that's what she does when she meets a new man at work that she's interested in since they can't wear wedding rings at work because they are electricians. He told me how she told him her whole life story, everything that was going on with her ex/father of her child. She confided in him. At this point he also was constantly checking his phone to play Words With Friends. I knew nothing about it as I had never played it before. I started to read about emotional affairs online and would sit nursing my son and crying as I read. One night I decided to ask him about what the heck was going on. I asked if they had feelings for each other. I said the behavior from her was as if they were dating. He got really quiet and was almost crying. He told me he thought she had feelings for him and he didn't know what to call how he felt about her. He said that they had several moments throughout the day where they would catch each other looking at each other and would just catch each others gaze. He said her look was like "if you want to hook up I would do it". He said there was a spark and a connection between them that he couldn't explain and that they had so much in common. He apologized and said he never asked for any of this and he didn't know what to do. That if he weren't married to me that he would ask her out. My heart sank and I immediately felt nauseous. I asked him if he was going to leave me and he said no. He didn't want to end our marriage but he just didn't know what to do. I ended up talking to him again and told him that I needed him to stay away from her at work and that he needed to talk to her and tell her this was inappropriate and to stay away from him. He didn't want to and said it would be awkward but he talked to her. She was sad and said that she had hoped we could all be friends and pictured them at parks having picnics with the kids. Well, as I continue to press for information I find out she smokes. My husband is weak when it comes to smoking and they take private smoke breaks multiple times a day with each other. He tells me more red flag behavior from her. She awkwardly seeks him out when he's alone during the day to ask weird questions like "so I realized I never asked you how long you've been with your wife and why didn't she take your last name, if I married you I would take your last name". She told him how she's always talking to her friend about him and how a movie her daughter likes they named him as a character in it as well as her and her friend. One weekend morning I went downstairs to make coffee and his phone got an alert. It was from Words with Friends and it said she was waiting. I started shaking. I had previously asked him if they had any contact outside of work. He said no - no phone calls, no texts, nothing online. He lied to me AGAIN. I confronted him and told him I felt betrayed. He told me there was a chat option in the game and that they chatted as a way so I wouldn't see. It was her idea. She contacted him first so I wouldn't find out since she didn't want to cause problems. She sent him a message on their for Fathers Day. She said she was thinking of him and hoped he had a good day. I framed everything to him with the tables turned. I asked if this was going on with me and a male coworker and if he had asked me to cut all contact/interaction and if I didn't and lied and hid things how would he feel. He told me that he would have left me a long time ago if I did that to him. He still took smoke breaks with her. I told him he needed to talk to her again and tell her they were not going to be playing this game and that the contact via chat was totally inappropriate. I will also add that she recommended that he read a book. I looked it up and the story is about a married man falling in love with another woman. 

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***

I'm sure I'm forgetting details. Anyway, they worked together for 5-6 months. Thankfully they have not worked together since fall of 2015. This has caused a HUGE issue in our marriage. I have trust issues now. I still feel insecure. He's been saying for a long time now that nothing ever happened, he didn't cheat, he did nothing wrong even though he admitted wrong doing at the time. He hasn't done anything to make things better. I know I need to get over it somehow. Am I crazy for being so upset about what happened at the time and still having issues getting over it? Please help. This is the first time I'm putting this anywhere.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Are they still in contact? Your husband had an EA. If you take the steps in Surviving an Affair and treat it like the affair that it was, I think your marriage will have the greatest chance of success in recovering. As it stands, he could be texting with her either via words with friends or another way. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and the part about reading about EAs while nursing your child is heartbreaking. 

Please don't rug sweep his affair. Your husband has poor boundaries with women. This could easily happen again even if he did end all contact with this woman, though I don't believe that he did based on what you describe.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

so your husband has puppy love for some gal he works with.

i would tell him to grow up and honor his marriage vows. we all see people on the street that we find attractive.
lot's of us run into, or know people we have a spark with and seem like 'soul mates' (bleh!).

get over it like a grown man.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My DH got involved with a women at work. Our baby had just turned 6 months and he was telling me how wonderful she was. This was after I found emails of text messages he had saved so he could always remember their flirtation. He made lots of noise that he wanted to leave but never actually would leave. I was an emotional disaster for months. 

That happened 5 years ago and we are still together but I don't give him much credit for it. He was very depressed and moody the first year after giving up the friendship. He refused to leave his position at work so she was going to still be around. I found books that helped like "Detatch and Survive." 

I got through it by becoming more self aware, more self reliant emotionally, physically, and financially. I don't regret staying with him since he is a wonderful father and logistically it would have been too difficult to build my career and take care of our son. We were doing tolerable until this last week when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. Still don't know what to make of it all yet 💔. This time I am in a better position to cope and I know I will be ok either way. My life does not revolve around him like it did before.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Are they still in contact? Your husband had an EA. If you take the steps in Surviving an Affair and treat it like the affair that it was, I think your marriage will have the greatest chance of success in recovering. As it stands, he could be texting with her either via words with friends or another way.
> 
> I'm sorry you're going through this, and the part about reading about EAs while nursing your child is heartbreaking.
> 
> Please don't rug sweep his affair. Your husband has poor boundaries with women. This could easily happen again even if he did end all contact with this woman, though I don't believe that he did based on what you describe.


Thank you for validating my concerns. I thought it was an emotional affair as well. They do not have contact as far as I know. I immediately blocked her cell phone from calls and texts. They do not talk on WWF since I had him block her on there and on Facebook. Is Surviving An Affair an article on here? Even though he initially admitted wrong doing he has since made me feel crazy for being upset and having trust issues. I felt completely heart broken when it was all happening.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> Your story sounds so similar to mine. My DH got involved with a women at work. Our baby had just turned 6 months and he was telling me how wonderful she was. This was after I found emails of text messages he had saved so he could always remember their flirtation. He made lots of noise that he wanted to leave but never actually would leave. I was an emotional disaster for months.
> 
> That happened 5 years ago and we are still together but I don't give him much credit for it. He was very depressed and moody the first year after giving up the friendship. He refused to leave his position at work so she was going to still be around. I found books that helped like "Detatch and Survive."
> 
> I got through it by becoming more self aware, more self reliant emotionally, physically, and financially. I don't regret staying with him since he is a wonderful father and logistically it would have been too difficult to build my career and take care of our son. We were doing tolerable until this last week when he accidentally called me during a meeting with the same OW. Still don't know what to make of it all yet 💔. This time I am in a better position to cope and I know I will be ok either way. My life does not revolve around him like it did before.


I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this as well. I think it's hard to deal with any time but I felt completely torn apart since I was a new mom. Your husband still has contact with that woman? Thankfully my husband no longer works with her. They always have the possibility of working together again because of how unions work though. It gives me anxiety. This woman was in a large Facebook moms group and has posted nasty things about me saying I'm insecure etc. We both have each other blocked on Facebook so a friend told me about it. She told someone to contact my husband to do work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EA certainly. Your H should be working hard to make you feel secure. He must come to grips that EA is infidelity. Perhaps getting your H "Not Just Friends" to read will help.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> EA certainly. Your H should be working hard to make you feel secure. He must come to grips that EA is infidelity. Perhaps getting your H "Not Just Friends" to read will help.


Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He may not have ****ed her, but he DID cheat.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you for validating my concerns. I thought it was an emotional affair as well. They do not have contact as far as I know. I immediately blocked her cell phone from calls and texts. They do not talk on WWF since I had him block her on there and on Facebook. Is Surviving An Affair an article on here? Even though he initially admitted wrong doing he has since made me feel crazy for being upset and having trust issues. I felt completely heart broken when it was all happening.


Surviving an Affair is a book written by licensed psychologist Dr. Harley with a checklist that he found gives married couples the greatest chance of success in recovering from an affair. He's very specific in that a step cannot be skipped if you want the recovery to work. It's not easy, which is why he also says that spouses have every right to divorce after their partner has been unfaithful. But for many who do go on to recover their marriage, the steps help ensure the affair has ended and that proper boundaries are in place to avoid rekindling the affair and/or another affair in the future.

If you go to Marriage Builders website, you can find the checklist in the forums without getting the book, but you might have to dig a bit. Or you can download the book today. It wil help you to read up on how to move forward beyond just the checklist.

The fact that your husband doesn't really admit to wrongdoing is concerning. If I were you and I wanted to try to recover the marriage, I'd post on the Marriage Builders forums for help in following their plan. Like I said, it isn't easy. Your husband has damaged the marriage and he needs to be accountable to you and understand the pain he has caused to you and your family. If you rug sweep, he can do it again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. What you feel as a result of what he's done, and what he doesn't feel, is all HIS fault.

Whatever you decide about your marriage is more than justified, even if you left.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Don't just say that you're "feeling betrayed!"

Fact of the matter was that you "were betrayed!"*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.


He absolutely DID cheat, no question. And until he comes to grip with that reality and admits it, you have no chance of a real reconciliation. It will never work. Yes, you may stay married, but it will only be a superficial kind of partnership, not a real marriage. Plus it makes it that much more likely to do it again, because he doesnt see it as being wrong.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you. Is that a book or an article? He has not worked hard to make me feel secure at all. He just says over and over he did nothing wrong and he didn't cheat. It's frustrating. Then I think I'm crazy for being upset.


It is a book. Author by the name of Shirley Glass. Your H by definition was cheating. Your H is carpet sweeping and minimizing. Your H cares very little for the affect this EA has had on you. 

You are not crazy for being upset. You are human like anyone else. Your trust has been betrayed at it highest level.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
> He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
> What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.


The OW is not the problem. Your H is the problem. Concentrate your efforts here. You deserve better than the old carpet sweeping forget about it, it was nothing coming from you H. 

Ask your H to put himself in your shoes. You were stealing glances at a coworker followed up with messaging all day. What your H do? How would your H want you to react?


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much. 

***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> The OW is not the problem. Your H is the problem. Concentrate your efforts here. You deserve better than the old carpet sweeping forget about it, it was nothing coming from you H.
> 
> Ask your H to put himself in your shoes. You were stealing glances at a coworker followed up with messaging all day. What your H do? How would your H want you to react?


I did turn the tables on him when all of this was happening. He said he would have left me. I know my husband is my problem but I'm still pissed that some single chick with a kid would do that to another fellow mother.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with you about this OW. She very clearly KNEW he is married, yet continued to come at him. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Yes, the blame for any line crossing does lie with your husband, but women like this need to be held accountable for their part as well. He sounds completely without remorse. Sorry to say but you are going to have to draw a hard line here. He needs to agree to counseling with you, and goes no contact with this woman (which means another job if necessary) or you will expose the affair to their superiors and file for divorce. You have to mean this, you cannot put this out there if you are not willing to follow through 100%. You only get ONE chance, and if you fail to follow through, he will know that you are only blowing hot air and are not to be taken seriously. 

By the way, if I had seen those messages on WWF, I would have messaged her back immediately that this is his wife and to leave my husband the **** alone.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I did turn the tables on him when all of this was happening. He said he would have left me. I know my husband is my problem but I'm still pissed that some single chick with a kid would do that to another fellow mother.


When it comes to ego kibbles all bets are off.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this as well. I think it's hard to deal with any time but I felt completely torn apart since I was a new mom. Your husband still has contact with that woman? Thankfully my husband no longer works with her. They always have the possibility of working together again because of how unions work though. It gives me anxiety. This woman was in a large Facebook moms group and has posted nasty things about me saying I'm insecure etc. We both have each other blocked on Facebook so a friend told me about it. She told someone to contact my husband to do work.


I am studded at that women saying nasty things about you on Facebook. You know it just makes her look bad. 

Women are more vulnerable while having children and I lost a lot of respect for my DH at that time. You are definitely not alone in this.

My husband and the OW do still work in the same building and sometimes have to work on the same project. He says his career is in a good place and I benefit from his career being in a good place. The truth is I don't know what he can possible do to make me feel secure and not have anxiety except get a new job. This week I have relived all the anxiety from 5 years ago and then some. When I am with him and we fall into our routines I feel pretty good. It's when I am alone with my thoughts I get very upset.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much.
> 
> ***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***



There is a saying, "If you want to save a marriage you must be willing to lose it." Your H needs to quit the job were OW is working. If you H does not the EA is ongoing. Second, consult a lawyer and know you rights. Prepare to D. Do not allow your H to walk all over you. Your consulting a lawyer will start to make this very real to your H. He either craps or gets off the pot. The disrespect towards you and the marriage is strong with this one.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> There is a saying, "If you want to save a marriage you must be willing to lose it." Your H needs to quit the job were OW is working. If you H does not the EA is ongoing. Second, consult a lawyer and know you rights. Prepare to D. Do not allow your H to walk all over you. Your consulting a lawyer will start to make this very real to your H. He either craps or gets off the pot. The disrespect towards you and the marriage is strong with this one.


They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?


You're having trouble getting over it because your husband hasn't given you just compensation for damaging your marriage. He continually lied to to you even after knowing how much he'd hurt you.

I've learned that in marriage, it doesn't matter if your spouse agrees that what he did was wrong or even that it was an EA. What matters is that he deeply hurt you, and for that, he needs to care enough about you and the marriage to make you feel safe by giving you all details, eliminating all contact, and providing you with full transparency to his day and devices so you feel safe again in the marriage. He also needs to work with you to implement appropriate boundaries around women. Usually after an affair of any type, this means the WS is no longer ever in a position to be alone with the opposite sex and no opposite sex friends who are not also friends of the marriage. 

If your husband is not willing to do that, I'd strongly recommend separating from him until he agrees to counseling. Your husband is treating you poorly and it sounds to me like he is emotionally abusing you by showing you very little care and respect.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you. I don't think it ever got physical but it definitely crossed too many lines. I hate feeling this way. I'm so mad at my husband but also really angry at this woman.





FeelingBetrayed said:


> I just edited my post to add this important piece of information that I forgot to initially include. It's been a 2 years so it's hard to remember everything since there was so much.
> 
> ***EDITED TO ADD: The foreman on this job left and my husband was promoted to foreman. There was a going away party for the foreman who was leaving. It was at a bar on the other side of town. I couldn't get ahold of my husband when he should have been home from work and he wasn't answering texts. He had casually mentioned there might be a get together which immediately caused me anxiety. He finally called me back and asked what the problem was since i had texted and called several times. He said he went to the party. It was only guys there and of course he wouldn't go if she was there. HE WAS LYING!!!! I called his bluff as my heart was pounding through my chest and I said I didn't believe him. I said so if I walk in the door I won't see her there. He got pissed and said I better not come there and yes she WAS there. It's not a big deal, just coworkers hanging out. He said he would finish his beer and leave. Over and hour passed and he wasn't coming home. I got in my car in a panicked rage and was ready to march in there with my son. He finally called back after I sent a msessage saying I was on my way and that he was on his way home and I would leave me if I went in there and threatened her. I later found out that he talked to her about the fact that I would be upset. This was a day after he told her he could have zero contact with her. She said "what's your wife going to think about me being there" and his response was I JUST WON"T TELL HER! She said "I won't touch that with a 10 foot pole". They left work several hours early and they went outside at the bar for private smoke breaks. This was after I found out about the WWF issue. ***


So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> They no longer work together. It's been a year and a half since they worked together, I'm just having a hard time getting over it so I decided to finally post something to get advice and validation of my feelings I guess. Do you mean the disrespect towards me and the marriage was strong regarding the day he went to a bar with her and other coworkers? I agree. I was furious. I seriously felt like I was having a heart attack that day because my heart was pounding through my chest so hard. I was in shock during that time that my husband would continually tell me to my face he was sorry, he would stay away from her and then do the opposite as soon as he got to work. Do you really think talking to a lawyer is the best option now or try to talk to him first about acknowledging that what he did was an emotional affair?


Great that both do not work together any longer. Yes, your H was hugely disrespectful with the bar nonsense. Your H was sorry he got CAUGHT. Nothing more. Your H continues to be disrespectful of you and your feelings. 

For me, if my W had done these things and continued to minimize, carpet sweep and not consider my feeling/were I stand I would look to separate. For you see, if my W could get away with this easily the first time what is stopping the next time? You may stop the D anytime you like if H finally grasps the reality of the situation. Your H just my do nothing and at this point you will see your H true colors. At that juncture what is there to save?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband is a lying cheating ******* and deserves to be kicked to the curb. The whole reason you can't get over what he did is because he continues to minimize it and make YOU feel like you're the bad guy. And you KNOW that's just ****ed up, right?

You need to get rid of him, if not physically right away then detach emotionally and start the path to being on your own. Idiots like your husband think the world revolves around them and that they can't do anything wrong - that's why you feel the way you do. And you will CONTINUE to feel the way you do as long as you are with him. So get rid of him.

If by some MIRACLE he has an epiphany and suddenly becomes truly remorseful then give him another chance. The chances of him doing this are practically nil, though.

This thread explains true remorse, among a lot of other things you should read

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FEELINGBETRAYED

You were betrayed in the most horrible way, you just give birth and he compares you with an OW, and makes light of your feelings, your WH is a nasty piece of work.

Of course you have not healed because he has done nothing to help you heal, he has just minimized your hurt and rug swept everything. This will not go away believe me, it will rear its ugly head over and over. Your WH needs a major come to Jesus moment.

I would suggest you get IC for yourself to handle the emotions this brings up in you and to learn how to approach your WH with this topic.
There is nothing to say that this did not go physical. Is there unaccounted time? I would insist on a polygraph, tell your WH it is not negotiable, you have borne the pain for years and need resolution whether in or out of the marriage. Be willing to lose this marriage and let him see that.

Then insist on MC, if he refuses then say you are going to see a lawyer, get the papers drawn up. Tell all family and friends you are filing for divorce because of what he did (explain exactly what you told us). He needs to be responsible for his actions. YOu have been silently carrying this for many years alone with no help from him, time for him to step up to the plate.

If he refuses to help you heal, do any of things above, then it is time to dump him, you will never have a good marriage. You need to do the 180 for yourself if he refuses to do these things. 
He has a nerve saying he would leave you if you did the same thing, now its time for him to pay the piper, you must follow through. It appears you have given him way too much power in the marriage, it is time to take your power back and play hard ball. You do not need him in your life if push comes to shove. Speak with some close friends/family about your plan and ask for their support.

i wish you all the best but please do not live a life of misery and doubt.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's making you feel like you're crazy, then he is NOT REMORSEFUL. 

He is still in dreamy la-la land and is blind to the true character of a woman who would fool around with a MARRIED man. But of course, he's too busy cooling around himself to have the sense to notice or care. 

I understand that you're hurting, but you need to shrug off his demoralizing BS, build some self esteem, and give him a swift kick of reality where the sun don't shine.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree with you about this OW. She very clearly KNEW he is married, yet continued to come at him. NOT ACCEPTABLE. Yes, the blame for any line crossing does lie with your husband, but women like this need to be held accountable for their part as well. He sounds completely without remorse. Sorry to say but you are going to have to draw a hard line here. He needs to agree to counseling with you, and goes no contact with this woman (which means another job if necessary) or you will expose the affair to their superiors and file for divorce. You have to mean this, you cannot put this out there if you are not willing to follow through 100%. You only get ONE chance, and if you fail to follow through, he will know that you are only blowing hot air and are not to be taken seriously.
> 
> By the way, if I had seen those messages on WWF, I would have messaged her back immediately that this is his wife and to leave my husband the **** alone.


I didn't see the messages on WWF. I didn't realize that there was a chat option until after I deleted all their games & blocked her on the app on his phone. He told me after that there was a chat function. I wish I could have read the messages because there could have been more revealed. I did however send her a text message after she sent my husband a text as soon as she got home on a Friday to complain about something. I told her to please respect my marriage and stop contacting my husband. She replied that she was just contacting her foreman and I was inappropriate to contact her.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?


Things are still not good - that is why I decided to finally join a marriage forum and post about it. I can't get over it. He is rewriting history in his head and saying he didn't do anything wrong. I have nightmares occasionally about catching them together or him leaving me for her. It all makes me sick. Then I feel like I'm in the wrong for not getting over it. He tells me to stop living in the past and focus on the future.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is an unremorseful cheater. You are not in the wrong here, HE is. Its ok if you cant do this. (Personally I think you need to tell him its over.)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I didn't see the messages on WWF. I didn't realize that there was a chat option until after I deleted all their games & blocked her on the app on his phone. He told me after that there was a chat function. I wish I could have read the messages because there could have been more revealed. I did however send her a text message after she sent my husband a text as soon as she got home on a Friday to complain about something. I told her to please respect my marriage and stop contacting my husband. *She replied that she was just contacting her foreman and I was inappropriate to contact her.*


Ballsy *****.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Absolutely you have been cheated on. Even if it wasn't physical (unlikely), you're husband lost feelings for you over this thing.
> He bad-mouthed you to this woman and was fantasizing about leaving you for her.
> What he was doing wasn't as bad as sex, but the emotions involved were just as destructive as sex.
> 
> ...


Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'

Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'
> 
> Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...


Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ballsy *****.


OMG, SOOOO ballsy.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.


Attractive to your husband, for whatever reason. Whether she is attractive in general doesn't matter.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> Just out of curiosity (and to strengthen my own arguments should I ever need to use them, lol), what if he had been communicating his feelings and getting support from a close male friend he had made? If he shared with him that he was fantasizing about leaving his wife, whether for another woman or just to be on his own, and his friend was supportive of the idea or encouraged him to do so? Clearly, it is miserable thinking about your spouse is talking this way about your marriage and you to an attractive member of the opposite sex, but he can make the case that he wasn't 'cheating' as he *could* have behaved in a similar fashion with someone who was *not* attractive. Her being attractive doesn't make what he did 'cheating.'
> 
> Again, I'm playing devil's advocate here - I can certainly appreciate how ****ty she feels about what he did. I'm just trying to unpack the 'but I didn't cheat' defense...




Emotional affairs are defined by Glass in her book Not Just Friends as any relationship outside of the marriage in which you are meeting intimate needs without your spouse knowing or agreeing, and that you would not feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Who said she was attractive? I've seen her, she's not. She just happens to usually be the only woman working with a bunch of men and she likes to flirt with married men. She told my husband that wives of her coworkers always hate her and then the wives must be insecure. It is because she behaves inappropriately. As far as I know my husband never had conversations that you're mentioning with this woman so it's not a good comparison. She was the one confiding in him and he initially felt really uncomfortable about it. The behavior was not acceptable. I appreciate that you're trying to play devils advocate but I don't think you are comparing similar situations.



I'd argue that these wives feel insecure in their marriages because their husbands are not implementing appropriate boundaries in their marriages by shutting this woman down.

This is your husband's fault- not hers. She doesn't owe you anything, but as your husband who made vows to you, he does.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thestarsarefalling said:
> 
> 
> > So how are things now if this happened 2 years ago?
> ...


I get pretty upset just reading your story because I go through the same thing. Sometimes I would tell myself that he isn't so great anyway and if he wanted to go then fine. Sometimes I would start a plan on how to take care of myself if that happened. Another reason I went back to work when my child was 2.5 even though I didn't have too was my own security. I felt better with my own money and my own job. I pushed him to separate our finiances. I love my job and it's very rewarding and builds my confidence. I stopped trying to talk to him about our relationship because it would turn out badly.

There is no guarantee that you won't end up back where you were on D Day. All you can do is have a plan incase it happens and hope for the best. You only can control what you do. Try to build up a support system for your child. Whatever you are worried about the most make a plan and it helps with the anxiety. Exercise can help with the anxiety too. I hate to give advice since I am back in the same situation however I am in a much better position than I would have been 5 years ago. 

I am going to suggest you look up gaslighting and codependency. You said he is rewritting history and that can be similar to gas lighting. It helps when you understand what is happening. 

Hope that helps


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