# complex problem and need advice.



## patrmcg (May 22, 2012)

So me and my wife of 7 years have spent the last 5 months trying to reconcile. The simple version is she feels and I agree that I emotionally abandoned her for several years. I have recently come to relize this was insecurity on my part do to beijg diagnosed with multiple sclerosis but it happened. At the end of last year we were evicted ane I took our 5 kids to live with fwmily in another state while she stayed in shelters and with friends to keep her job. During this time she met and fell in love with another person. When I found out I was devistated. Never really knew what I had untill then. We tried to work it out. We finally got a house where we had always wanted to live and I agreed to let them he friends as long as I could check on them. It was harder then I expected and after 5 months we are on our last legs. Our marriage was good for 2 years in the beginning before the MS diagnosis 5 years ago but has suffered ever since. She states she loves me and him but dosnt know how to procede. She is scared of going back to me and being emotionaly abandoned again and doesnt want to break this guys heart who has helped when we needed him for babysitting or help witb the house. He wants to be with her. On the other hand he says he cant be together untill she moves out for obvious reasons. We cant afford it and she is afraid that he too will have problems in the future (they dated 2 months) leaving her with no one when I move on. She also doesnt want him to take over my role as father as she wants me in that position but he wont allow that. Ive moved on in part and found my peace. I asked her if I could start looking for someone because I dont want to be alone in life. She got emotionaly upset. Now I have to remain in limbo while she decides who to goto. I would gladly take her back but I cant wait in this position much longer as its painful living with her. 

Any advice for her? Any advice for me? Is there any chance of pulling this back? Have all the years of good and bad been wasted?

Thank you for replies. Sorry for grammer and typos as im on a touchscreen phone.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

The other guy is setting boundaries and showing self-respect. You need to do that.

She doesn't get to decide. You can decide, too. Is this really what you want? An MS diagnosis is a devastating thing, and while it's not an excuse for your bad behavior, it's not an excuse for hers either.


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## patrmcg (May 22, 2012)

Part of my concern is the kids. We both have come to the conclusion this is and will be bad for them. The longer this goes where mommy and daddy sleep in seperate rooms and mommy sometimes doesnt come home the more the kids ask difficult questions. I want to tell them and she does not. I did some soul searching and found that I am happy in life with or without her. My preference of course is with her and I have told her this but I need reconciliation or to move forward in my life. Right now I wait on her to decide what she wants but wish their was a way to speed up the process. I will survive the divorce and find another love one day but if it can be fixed I think I made the right choice when I first married her. Thats mostly the advice I seek. How can I help her decide when I have given her free roam in a trial sep. Should I agree to wait if she cant decide and how long should that be. Thanks for the reply


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you cannot make her decide. She will decide when she decides. And not deciding is also a decision. 

I wouldn't wait very long, but that's just me. I think you are ceding all your power to her.

If you want to tell your children, then tell your children. You do not need her permission for that, although of course you should phrase things in age-appropriate ways. Again, I think by leaving you in limbo, she has forfeited the right to object.


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## patrmcg (May 22, 2012)

I qgree I have given up almost all power. I did it in what may have been a misguided attempt to make her descision easier because when I tried to control events like calling no contact it made it worse. Im the stay at home parent being on disability so telling them isnt a problem although im not sure what they will do when they ask her why is daddy saying this. The oldest is 7 years old. Ive tried to turn the descision logical by showing I am stay at home dad with a ssi paycheck (opposed to his unemployed status) and that I have changed and am willing to trust her after the affair I thought maybe bendiny over backwards would help her see things in a light positive to me by doing anything needed to fix things but I think it may have been a wrong call. The biggest reaction I have gotten was actually when I asked her if she minded if I looked for a date as I was tired of not having a partner. Maybe I should continue pushing that, give her the same type of wake up call that losing someone gives but I dont want to be vindictive just find peace. She has said she doesn't want me to date because it would complicate the kids and she still partially wants me. She says her major hangup is fear of abandoment, fear of breaking his heart, and fear of choosing the wrong guy.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

How about the fear of breaking YOUR heart?


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## patrmcg (May 22, 2012)

She has said that but ive largely downplayed it with her because she was scared of me getting depressed or suicidal. Maybe Ill ask her again tomorrow. We have a sorta truce tonight. After weeks of heavy talking we are taking a break to get some sleep. She says she wants to try sleeping in same room tonight but Im not sure how good of an idea that is or if it is just her making a concession so I can sleep a night instead of staying up for hours thinking on it.

Btw I appreciate your time. Its good to get a neutral voice in this all.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good luck, honey...come back around any time, it's nice to have a sounding board.


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