# Wife wants a Divorce, I don't need help!!



## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

Hi! I just found this forum, I don't usually post on these types of things, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

My wife and I had a blow out (one of many, over the last couple of years.) 3 months ago, I came home from work 2 days later and she and my son were gone. 

I know that things needed to change on my part or she would leave (she told me more then once that she would leave) I never really believed she actually would, but she did.. 

I found out that she had 2 emotional affairs. One guy she met in person a few months after meeting him online. (this is what she told me). She did say that the last guy she had a really hard time breaking it off. (that hurt).I can't say that i blame her in the least. I wasn't the ideal husband. I don't even know why she told me. 

When i went to pick my son up for the weekend, my wife told me that she wants a divorce and I don't. I am willing to anything and everything I have to get her back, but she won't talk to me. When I bring it up she hangs up on me. She says that she is done, she said I have my several chances and I blew all of them.

I love her and I need to fix this. I can't live without her.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

I realize that I left a lot of stuff out.. My mind is all over the place. If you want more information ask and I will fill in the blanks.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Notcoping said:


> I realize that I left a lot of stuff out.. My mind is all over the place. If you want more information ask and I will fill in the blanks.


 Nothing more needs to be explained. She is a serial cheater that has cheated on you more than once and blame shifts so that you think that it is your fault. No one is perfect yet that is the standard that she judges you by. You could not win because she did not want you to win and you let her be the prosecutor, judge, and jury. Bottom line is that she as been dating during your marraige and found someone else and amazingly has you thinking that it is your fault. It is not your fault. Man up and move on. She is not worth it.

Serial cheaters have a false sense of superiority because they are the ones that have someone else, but the truth is that you are the good person because you have values. Trust me when I say that there is someone out their for you that will appreciate you for the good person that you are. Do you want to know how I know that you are a good person? I know because a good person is always willing to accept blame and try to do better; cheaters exploit this.

Again, move on and and good luck to you.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Notcoping said:


> I can't say that i blame her in the least. I wasn't the ideal husband.


What made you not the "ideal husband"?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree more with TRy

I think you need to do the 180 (you can find info about this in the Coping With Infidelity forum. Do not contact your wife unless it has to do with your child.

While you own at least 50% of the troubles in the marriage, she owns 100% of the affairs. You are not responsible for her cheating. Remember that. You are only responsible for you.

Resolve to work on your issues to better yourself for your next relationship issue. If you have anger issues or are controlling, start counseling right away to deal with the issues so you will be a better person when the right woman comes along in your future


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

> When i went to pick my son up for the weekend, my wife told me that she wants a divorce and I don't. I am willing to anything and everything I have to get her back, but she won't talk to me. When I bring it up she hangs up on me. She says that she is done, she said I have my several chances and I blew all of them.


The more you fight the D, the more she will want it. Agree with the D to defuse her.



> I love her and I need to fix this. I can't live without her.


Understand that you can't fix this and not only can you live without her, you'll be better off since she is a cheater.

I know you can't see it today but she is doing you a favor. The WORSE thing you can do right now is try to stop her from the D. If a R is possible, it will come from her with you out of the picture (she has to miss you over the course of a few months). Every time you interact with her it just puts another nail in the M coffin. You need to cut communications as much as possible and talk to a lawyer.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm afraid I don't agree with Try and Toffer on this one. 

You said she had two emotional affairs. I don't call that "serial cheating" when you also say she repeatedly told you what she needed to see and you repeatedly ignored her because you didn't think she was serious about leaving. Those EAs were trial runs at seeing what would be out there for her if she left. 

I'm sorry, but I can't empathize with you. I think you made your bed and now you don't want to lie in it. You need to start doing some things her way if you ever want her to believe you're committed to her well-being. That means go ahead and file for the divorce. 

You can file for divorce and still make it clear that you want to fix the relationship, but it's not going to happen because you've made still more empty promises. It *might* happen if you get yourself to a counselor and get to the root of what makes you think you deserve your way in a relationship but your partner does not deserve hers and start living your whole life in a way that honors others' needs the way you honor your own wants.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

TRy said:


> Nothing more needs to be explained. She is a serial cheater that has cheated on you more than once and blame shifts so that you think that it is your fault. No one is perfect yet that is the standard that she judges you by. You could not win because she did not want you to win and you let her be the prosecutor, judge, and jury. Bottom line is that she as been dating during your marraige and found someone else and amazingly has you thinking that it is your fault. It is not your fault. Man up and move on. She is not worth it.
> 
> Serial cheaters have a false sense of superiority because they are the ones that have someone else, but the truth is that you are the good person because you have values. Trust me when I say that there is someone out their for you that will appreciate you for the good person that you are. Do you want to know how I know that you are a good person? I know because a good person is always willing to accept blame and try to do better; cheaters exploit this.
> 
> Again, move on and and good luck to you.


Thank you for your reply.

If things would have been different on my part it wouldn't have happened to begin with, I take 100% responsibly for my inaction. Did I make her have 2 affairs, no, but that does not mean, that I am also not accountable as to why she did.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You can never bkame yourself for what someone else does. You should learn the 180 and live it. Trust me. This is the best thing for you. Offer to do MC, but don't beg. You will look less attractive to her.

The more independent you become the more appealing you will be. No gaurentees that you can get her back, but this is the best you can do at this point. Again, don;t blame yourself!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

recent_cloud said:


> you obviously care very much for your wife, want to keep your family intact, and feel somehow you've royally screwed up.
> 
> based on your verbal demeanor, i don't doubt you've truly made a mess of things.
> 
> ...


Very true especially since OP said she warned him more than once that things needed to change, why didn't you heed the warnings? You took her for granted. She sought emotional fulfillment elsewhere, she told you to come clean. I am surprised she did but she needed to get it out and let you know that, for her, that was her level of unhappiness, and that it was hard to break it off before a PA (some marriages push people into an EA or PA-some spouses are just crazy and despite having everything they need at home go outside anyway) It sounds like you openly admit you were not giving her what she needed and she requested many times for you to... don't know if you can save it at this point or not. Have you asked her for counseling?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If she won`t even discuss the possibility of reconciliation you really have no recourse but to let her go.

I don`t know what went down between the two of you but you had better learn from it to make certain it isn`t a re-occuring theme in your future relationships.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

Encore DT said:


> What made you not the "ideal husband"?


To be honest, I neglected her. In turn she withdrew. I turned in to an ass.. I am not sure why exactly, but I shut her out. 

While she was pregnant. I told her that we didn't have to have sex, I knew it would be uncomfortable for her. We didn't have sex for about a year. I turned to porn.. My wife has always had issues with it, but more so within the last 3 years, each time she found it it got worse, I would lie about it, try to hide it, but she would always find it, but i continued to do it. Instead of having sex with her, I would turn to porn. I would turn her down for sex, eventually she stopped coming to me. Porn was just easier. 

That is what the last big blow out fight we had was about, that is always what the fights were about (and sex.) I would get defensive and blow up.

I had really no idea how porn really made her feel, because i was to busy flying of the handle about her snooping to listen.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Very true especially since OP said she warned him more than once that things needed to change, *why didn't you heed the warnings?*
> 
> I did good for a little while, then I would fall back in to the same rutt.
> 
> ...


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm afraid I don't agree with Try and Toffer on this one.
> 
> You said she had two emotional affairs. I don't call that "serial cheating" when you also say she repeatedly told you what she needed to see and you repeatedly ignored her because you didn't think she was serious about leaving. Those EAs were trial runs at seeing what would be out there for her if she left.


Notcoping, Kathy is making an important point that I'm sure every single betrayed spouse in the whole wide wurld will agree with- 

No betrayed spouse can, in good conscience, say that they were actually cheated on if their unfaithful spouse told them they needed to change at least twice.

Haha. Just kidding, I like to rephrase poorly thought out statements in a way that shows the lack of brain activity involved.

So moving on to a little bit more thoughtful commentary.

NC, you have identified some personal failings in your marriage. You were neglectful, mean, thoughtless at times. You have a bad porn addiction. And you have a really low self esteem problem that you need to fix ASAP.

Yeah, you didn't actually list low self esteem as one of your failings, but it's holding you down even as you read these threads.

Let me explain something to you.


YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL. She betrayed you. Multiple times that you know of. She doesn't love you.

Confronted with these wounds, a healthy confident man would pick himself up off the ground, do what he could to expedite the divorce, and then spend some time identifying his shortcomings as a mate, and FIXING THEM.


You have a couple of choices, here.

1) Beg, plead, and make a fool of yourself pursuing your wife, promising that "this time you'll change." The technical term for this behavior is "doormat." The place you will find yourself, relationship-wise, is known as "limbo," until your wife pushes through the divorce.

2) Hem, haw, and fail to take any active steps to assert some control over your life, while "giving your wife space." Still in limbo, but at least you won't be engaging in doormat behavior.

3) Do your best to grab control of your life. Start doing the 180. Get some counseling, to help you change your negative behaviors. Spend time with your friends. Make new friends. Pick up your old hobbies (not, not porn, lol). Find some new hobbies. Work on YOU. Give your wife "the gift of missing you." 

If she decides she likes you after all, you can then sit down with her and calmly discuss why she has the morals of a dog in heat. If you still want her by then.

Good luck. Despite what some people say, you didn't do anything to merit being cheated on. If your behavior was so intolerable, a decent woman would have divorced you before she started dating other men. 

Telling your spouse that you need them to change is justification for a lot of things, but infidelity isn't one of them.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> You can file for divorce and still make it clear that you want to fix the relationship.


That seems counterproductive.

Either fix it or get a divorce but not both. At this point the balls in her court, if she wants out, and he doesn't, then she's the one who needs to take the next step.

At least until he accepts it's over and then he can go file.

Unless you're suggesting he file for divorce as some sort of manipulative tactic to "prove" to her he's willing to walk away even though he doesn't intend to go through with it. I don't agree with this strategy at all.



NotLikeYou said:


> YOUR WIFE IS UNFAITHFUL. She betrayed you. Multiple times that you know of. She doesn't love you.
> 
> Confronted with these wounds, a healthy confident man would pick himself up off the ground, do what he could to expedite the divorce, and then spend some time identifying his shortcomings as a mate, and FIXING THEM.


^^^^^ Some good stuff right here ^^^^^^


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You woke up to late

Your wife should not have had her 2 A's---but ------

How come all of a sudden you want your family----cuz now you know you can't have them, so now you want them

Your wife is probably gone, she obviously experienced men who took care of her wants/needs, and gave her the attention you did not-----they also are scum---but-----it is what it is

Maybe next time you won't


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

If you only knew how much a lot of us actually desire a clear cut "I've had enough of this and want out, I want a divorce" over emotional future limbo...

The EA's should only make your decision easier. Her actions are matching her words.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

All of my LT relationships have ended badly. I was married right out of high school, joined the military. I came home early only to find my wife in bed with my best friend. I had the marriage annulled. 

My ex wasn't much better, my youngest daughter is not mine biologically, but i still pay child support for her. I can't and won't tell her I am not her father.

I met my wife while I was with 2nd X (above). My wife was the other woman. Shortly after we met, I left my 2nd x for my wife.

All of this started about the time we found out she was pregnant. I have always thought in the back of my mind, that my son, really isn't mine. I have never mentioned it to my wife. It is a thought that lingers, still. 

As far as me filing for divorce, and telling her I still want to try and fix things. I can't see how that will work. If she truly wants a divorce the she can file for it. I will not fight her on it. If that is what she wants then there is nothing I can do to stop her.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this...but choosing porn over your wife is pretty hurtful. I can see why she's done.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Notcoping said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> If things would have been different on my part it wouldn't have happened to begin with, I take 100% responsibly for my inaction. Did I make her have 2 affairs, no, but that does not mean, that I am also not accountable as to why she did.


I'm not sure I'm buying what you're selling, but I'll play along. What did you do that forced her to meet strange dudes from the internet? Porn doesn't quite rise to the occasion. What's worse, pictures or hot flesh?

Your actions aren't really part of the cheating equation, unless you told her you wanted to watch, because if she didn't like something about you, she could have simply divorced you. Instead, she chose to meet up with two guys from the internet and keep it a secret (I presume it was a secret). So the real question is "how many?"

If you want to try to fix your wife, you're setting yourself a long row to hoe. Is your state full no-fault or can you also file under adultery?


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Notcoping said:


> I am willing to anything and everything I have to get her back, I can't live without her.



I am very sorry and from my own experience I would suggest not letting her know this. In fact, right the opposite.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

donders said:


> That seems counterproductive.
> 
> Either fix it or get a divorce but not both. At this point the balls in her court, if she wants out, and he doesn't, then she's the one who needs to take the next step.
> 
> ...


What I am saying is that her experience is that he ignores what she wants. Doing more of that won't help him, so he needs to file for divorce and accept that she no longer wants to be with him. 

Even though he is divorcing, he can let her know that his reason for doing so is because he realizes that she should have had more say in the relationship all along, and that he realizes that even though he doesn't want it, fighting it will only prove that he's ignoring her needs again, so instead he will go ahead and give her what she wants even though it's hurting him deeply.

I think that is the ONLY way she will have second thoughts and consider coming back to him.


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## Notcoping (May 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> I'm not sure I'm buying what you're selling, but I'll play along. What did you do that forced her to meet strange dudes from the internet? Porn doesn't quite rise to the occasion. What's worse, pictures or hot flesh?
> 
> Your actions aren't really part of the cheating equation, unless you told her you wanted to watch, because if she didn't like something about you, she could have simply divorced you. Instead, she chose to meet up with two guys from the internet and keep it a secret (I presume it was a secret). So the real question is "how many?"
> 
> If you want to try to fix your wife, you're setting yourself a long row to hoe. Is your state full no-fault or can you also file under adultery?


We live in a no fault state.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> What I am saying is that her experience is that he ignores what she wants. Doing more of that won't help him, so he needs to file for divorce and accept that she no longer wants to be with him.
> 
> Even though he is divorcing, he can let her know that his reason for doing so is because he realizes that she should have had more say in the relationship all along, and that he realizes that even though he doesn't want it, fighting it will only prove that he's ignoring her needs again, so instead he will go ahead and give her what she wants even though it's hurting him deeply.
> 
> I think that is the ONLY way she will have second thoughts and consider coming back to him.



Kathy Batesel: Do you believe in personal responsibility? Your posts indicate you think its OK for a spouse to start exploring options if their ignored for a period of time. I know in a practical sense this is what typically happens, but in my mind this shows a lack of character. Just wondering where your advice is coming from and if you think cheating is ever justified.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sorry to be flip, but every time this topic gets moved up to the front page, I am struck again by the importance of punctuation...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Kathy Batesel: Do you believe in personal responsibility? Your posts indicate you think its OK for a spouse to start exploring options if their ignored for a period of time. I know in a practical sense this is what typically happens, but in my mind this shows a lack of character. Just wondering where your advice is coming from and if you think cheating is ever justified.


I'm not sure how you are coming to such conclusions, as they seem way off base to me, but I'll try to answer your questions.

1. Yes, I believe in personal responsibility. In fact, in MANY of my posts, I tell people that I'm focusing on them since they can't change others with very direct responses about their own behaviors rather than trying to empathize with them blaming others, so I'm completely baffled why you would perceive differently if you've read even a small amount of my posts.

In THIS particular post about a man who has neglected his wife's needs for a long time, and now wants her back when she has decided to stop accepting it, I said that he needs to face the music and demonstrate that he will be responsive to her. Ignoring her request for a divorce is just one more example of being insensitive to what she says. At the same time, if he files for divorce or goes along with it, that doesn't mean he surrenders what he wants - he just needs to find other ways to show her that he wants to be with her that don't negate her views.

2. Where did you get that I think it's ok for a spouse to explore other options? Is it possible that you're confusing me with another poster? 

But to answer... I approve of seeking alternative solutions, but only when those that don't conflict with a goal of keeping the relationship intact. In other words, sure, see a counselor, but no, don't have an affair. To do so would definitely indicate a lack of character, as you said. At the same time, there's no such thing as perfect character and people do the best they know how to with the tools they have in most cases. Sometimes their behavior is unlikely to change, and sometimes there are signs to hope for. I try to respond accordingly.

In this man's case, I do not see filing for divorce as contrary to his goal even though it appears that way on the surface. I can understand why you and Donders say, "Don't file if you don't want it." To most people, that appears to make sense. The problem I see with that is the REAL issue that has her leaving him is that he doesn't listen to her, and if he doesn't listen to her now, it's just adding fuel to that fire. By giving her what she is asking for, it's likely to de-escalate the situation. Even though it might APPEAR to be something that would drive them apart, I think it will give her a measure of safety that will be necessary before she can start to listen to him again, so it will have the opposite effect instead.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Notcoping said:


> All of my LT relationships have ended badly. I was married right out of high school, joined the military. I came home early only to find my wife in bed with my best friend. I had the marriage annulled.
> 
> My ex wasn't much better, my youngest daughter is not mine biologically, but i still pay child support for her. I can't and won't tell her I am not her father.
> 
> ...


Wow, you really need to take some time off and just fix yourself 1st. You've got a ton of baggage trailing behind you from relationship to relationship.

You're distant because you don't want to be hurt again when you're 1st wife cheated on you. So, it's easier to ignore them and protect yourself, that way if they leave you'll be hurt but won't be devastated. Just my opinion but you need professional help IMO to really dig deep through your issues.

Porn is easier, no emotional attachment and quick gratification with no work involved.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I'm not sure how you are coming to such conclusions, as they seem way off base to me, but I'll try to answer your questions.
> 
> 1. Yes, I believe in personal responsibility. In fact, in MANY of my posts, I tell people that I'm focusing on them since they can't change others with very direct responses about their own behaviors rather than trying to empathize with them blaming others, so I'm completely baffled why you would perceive differently if you've read even a small amount of my posts.
> 
> ...



It was the comment about the two EA's not being serial cheating but I have to admit I misread part of that paragraph. I don't consider it serial cheating either, but it is cheating in my book. I see that you've written about relationships professionally. Do you also consider yourself a professional conselor? Are you the actual Kathy Batesal thats all over the web?

Peace


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree that her behavior is cheating, but as a responsive action rather than an offensive one, if that makes sense. 

Yes, I've written about relationships. I don't know what you mean about 'all over the web' as I've only started writing online some months ago and can't say I've looked at how much web presence I have, but I write about relationships on HubPages, which is linked in my signature, and I write other topics on a couple of other sites. 

I am no longer a counselor. I used to be a certified drug and alcohol counselor, which is all the "official" documentation I have, and I no longer work in the mental health field. (To be honest with you, I'm a bit skeptical about it after observing the people I worked with over a period of years, but that's another story!) 

I have been a student of life and psychology for about 30 years - through a number of college courses. I have a degree in marketing and public relations (very psychology oriented) and worked on a master's degree in communication that I didn't complete. The majority of what I write comes from extensive reading and observation - but mostly "self taught" from the school of hard knocks. 

Peace back at ya!


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My question is..what is an "emotional affair"?

Could it be one where you just talk to someone and have feelings for them??

Or..

Could it be one where you just kiss someone and have no feelings for them??

Or..

Could it be that you just have sex with someone without any feeling for them?

The bottom line is..she had some kind of affair. Since I don't know all the details of why your relationship failed, all I can say is that she is definately in the wrong no matter what kind of affair it was..she was married.

Marriage is a constant work in progress as I'm sure there are many things you need to change about yourself. The two of you fell in love and married for a reason. Get into counseling..admit both your wrongs..and try to make a new go of it.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

memyselfandi said:


> My question is..what is an "emotional affair"?
> 
> Could it be one where you just talk to someone and have feelings for them??
> 
> ...


Lol,I don't know what an EA is either, it doesn't makes sense to me even after reading pages and pages on it. I just wish people would say, I'm jealous cause you engage in conversation with someone of the opposite sex.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

EA just means that you are emotionally invested in someone else and making them your priority. Mental cheating if you will.


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