# Emotional Abuse & Divorce. My personal Story



## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

I posted a few times in this site many years ago, first post was in 2011 and I forgot my password and user name and posted a few more times under different name. I posted in many sites like this and I got a lot of the same responses. That my emotional and verbal abusive marriage was messed up, get out, find a place to stay. 
The reason I am posting again after all of these years, is that I want to let people know that it is ok to be strong and get out of emotional and verbal abusive marriages. And sort of give an update on my own personal story. If I can help one person get out of their own prison hell and be free, then my time to type this was well worth it. 

I was married for about 10 years. I suffered from all sorts of messed up mind games. Told to shut up often, cut off when I talked, called names for no real reason, worried to talk at all because It would start the biggest fights. I lived in a house with holes in the doors and walls, a few broken furniture out of anger. He never hit me though.. I thought.. so that was good, right? no. They want you to think that. Its all about controling you and keeping you down so that they feel superior. 

Things that would anger my husband.. lets see.. if I got scared, if I just talked sometimes he would freak out and I am talking about casual convos like tv shows. I bought a nice van and it was literally the nicest vehicle we ever owned.. he managed to take the tint off and mess that up, rip a huge huge hole in the leather seat and cushioning of the driver seat and put a hole though the floor rug and the second layer underneath it. It was a common thing for him to get mad for no apparent reason and drive the car off the side of the road and leave me and my 5 year old son sitting in it. he would storm off or take something like a cellphone and destroy it on the street. This was very unhealthy for my son to watch. It was unhealthy all together for my son to experience. I knew things were messed up when he said things like daddy yells at mommy all the time. or the worst one .. when he wouldnt get his way. .. THATS why daddy yells at you all the time!

I went to marriage therapy alone... from what I gathered i decided I would tell him that we dont communicate well in our marriage. He literally put his fingers in his ears and said "I cant hear you!!!" I told him its over. he would cry and beg... he would go grab the biggest knife out of the kitchen and put it up to his neck and tell me he will make me watch him kill himself. One time he actually grabbed me and held me against him as he put the knife to his neck and said he wont only make me watch him die but bleed all over me. 

The only way I was going to be able to get out of this marriage was to construct a perfect plan and get help doing it. I did. I contacted guy friends to help me move my stuff. I went to my mom who got two bedrooms all ready for me and my son. I rented out a storage unit. I got another bank account I started putting money in. I packed things while my husband was at work. Though... the house started to become mostly tubs and boxes.. but there was a leak in our back storage room in the house so I said thats why everything is out here. I divided all of our stuff in the bins. I was ready to leave. We picked a day that he was working. And my friends came and we loaded up the moving van in 2 days me and my sons stuff was in my own storage building. I kept my son at my moms house so he wouldnt have to deal with any drama. He didnt even question the fact we were doing all of this. Because he even knew there wasnt something right with the way I was treated. You would be surprised how much it wont hurt your kid if its the right thing to do. they understand. they will get over it. 

We moved in with my mom and filed a divorce. It took 2 years for my husband to finally go to the court house and appear. he had two girlfriends since I separated and even brought the recent one to court. I waited exactly one year and then started dating again. I met a really nice man that just moved to town from a job promotion. He had two kids and he was just so nice and had been in some pretty bad relationships as well. He had to leave his wife because things got real bad too. We have been together for over a year now. living together and loving eachother. We are happy. I can say anything. He cares for me and takes care of me. We take care of eachother and let each other know all the time how much we appreciate the other. There is no more yelling in my house. there is no more holes or broken doors. There is no more tears over rediculous fighting or misunderstandings. I left a boy and started seeing a man. And there is a huge huge difference. 

My now ex-husband, had lost his job from failing a drug test and then got a free ride to college program and ended up getting punched in the face by another student because they couldnt stand his bad attitude and constant complaining. (he was EXTREMELY negative to the point you want to rip your hair out... or apparently punch him in the face) he got kicked out school. That is when I left him! I kicked him while he was down I suppose... but for 10 years, he did that to me on a daily basis. I used his weakness as an outlet so that I could get out of the relationship with out having any knives or threats. not to mention his driving crazy im going to kill us all attempts... It was scary. I was scared. to leave. 

I want you all to know that if you are dealing with someone unstable like this that threatens you, puts you down, tears up your self-esteem, makes you feel like you dont matter, that you dont have a voice, that you need to be shut up, shut down, into practically nothing left so that they can have all the control over you.... you are NOT ALONE. and you are NOT to BLAME. no matter how many times they will try to make YOU feel like your crazy or turn it around on you. STAY STRONG. you CAN get out of this and better yourself, your life, and if you have kids, for them... do it for them as well as yourself. You all deserve a better life and the longer you deal with emotional abuse, you feel like you DONT. you are NOT THE PROBLEM. 

Find a support system to help you. family, friends.. neighbors even... I dont know how many times my neighbors would stop me and ask me if I was ok bc they could hear him yelling at me for the dumbest reasons. and they worried. people do care about you and those are the people that should be in your life. surround yourself with positivity. get rid of the negativity.

A real man will talk things out with you and not yell or break things. 

I hope my story helps some of you that cant decide if leaving is the right thing to do. For too long, I couldnt decide. Because they will make you question yourself. But listen to your inner self. If your heart says you need out of this relationship but its scary, remember.. It is going to be scary. But make a list of what you need to do. Get help. construct a plan. Make it a little less scary and be strong. 

Emotional abuse doesnt leave you with visible marks. So people dont know. Too many people thought I was part of the "Perfect couple" and were shocked when I left him and spoke out the truth. Life is far too short to deal with so much bull when you can be enjoying it and be happy. I hope that the time I put in this gave some of you peace of mind or helped in any way. :butterfly: love to you all.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Great story, glad you are in a much better place.

Have you considered getting a concealed gun permit? I'd be worried this guy would come back to hurt you and your new guy. Scary!


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## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

GuyInColorado said:


> Great story, glad you are in a much better place.
> 
> Have you considered getting a concealed gun permit? I'd be worried this guy would come back to hurt you and your new guy. Scary!


Thank you. yes. my new guy and his older boys have gun permits and he collects guns. He also gave me mace and a pocket knife to keep on me if I ever need protection, I didnt even ask for it but he wanted me to be safe and insisted that I keep myself protected. I've never had to use it. I was so used to being put in dangerous situations in the past, it was really something to have a person care enough to insist so nothing happens to me. :flowerkitty:


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rainer, thanks so much for returning to share your story! It likely will benefit numerous other members and lurkers here at TAM. If you're interested, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling actions, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, and his always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exH has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong and persistent traits of it.



> I went to marriage therapy alone... from what I gathered i decided I would tell him that we dont communicate well in our marriage.


If your exH exhibits strong BPD traits, your marital problems went far beyond a lack of simple communication skills. This is why MC typically is a total waste of time when one spouse is a BPDer -- until that BPDer has had several years of individual therapy to address his far more serious issues.



rainer said:


> I left a boy and started seeing a man.


Yes. But, if your exH exhibits strong BPD traits, it would be more accurate to say you left a boy who is less mature than the 5-year old son you took with you. BPDers typically experienced a trauma or genetic condition that froze their emotional development at the level of a 4 year old. 

This is why a BPDer is fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses used by 3- and 4-year-old children. These include projection, denial, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, and magical thinking. And this is why it is impossible to have a rational discussion with them whenever they are experiencing intense feelings. 

If you would like to read more about BPD red flags, an easy place to start is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and you have any questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Rainer.


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## rainer (Jul 7, 2011)

Uptown said:


> Rainer, thanks so much for returning to share your story! It likely will benefit numerous other members and lurkers here at TAM. If you're interested, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., paranoia, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, controlling actions, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, and his always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exH has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit strong and persistent traits of it.
> 
> 
> Yes. But, if your exH exhibits strong BPD traits, it would be more accurate to say you left a boy who is less mature than the 5-year old son you took with you. BPDers typically experienced a trauma or genetic condition that froze their emotional development at the level of a 4 year old.


thanks for directing me to the list of red flags. I did see many that related to my situation. Not all of them, of course.. but At the very end we did go to marriage counseling together a couple times. I didnt see any reason to return, as he used it to chat and didnt really let me use it as an outlet to address our marriage problems and my concerns. I felt like I didnt get a chance to ever talk. And the childish behavior, oh my... lol. Complaining that all their previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well; CHECK. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate; CHECK. Taking the personality of others around them, CHECK. When I packed for the first day and he knew it was over for real.. He started googling on his phone and told me he might have intermittent explosive disorder. He never got diagnosed or help for any of his behavior, just pointed fingers at everyone else. He was a victim when someone punched him in the face. But his story he tells totally dropped the part where he called the guy ... Well, pretty sure the site will bleep out just about every word lol. just say He called him something really offensive provoking him further.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

rainer said:


> He started googling on his phone and told me he might have intermittent explosive disorder.


Rainer, perhaps he does have IED. That is not the behavior you seem to be describing here, however. There are several general differences between IED and BPD. First, IED is a residual category that is considered as a possible diagnosis only after BPD, NPD, and Antisocial PD have been ruled out as causes of the rages. 

Second, whereas IED rages are generally triggered by anyone (e.g., road rage triggered by complete strangers), BPD rages usually are triggered only by close family members and close friends. Only those people are close enough to the BPDer to pose a threat to one of his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. They are able to trigger a sudden release of his anger because they can say or do some minor thing that seems to pose a threat to one of those fears.

The vast majority of BPDers thus usually get along well with business associates, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why it is common for most BPDers to be considerate and caring all day long with strangers and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. But this is not always the case. Because BPDers lack impulse control and are super sensitive to criticism (real or imagined), they may occasionally say something so offensive that a stranger punches them in the nose.

Third, whereas IED sufferers usually become self aware and offer sincere apologies and genuine remorse after they have time to cool down, BPDers rarely apologize for anything. Instead, they blame it on you or others. BPD traits usually are invisible to nearly all BPDers. They have such little self awareness that they typically have the false self identity of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." 

But, again, this lack of self awareness is not always the case. On rare occasions, a high functioning BPDer can be so fearful of your abandoning him (e.g., when you start walking out) that he will have a temporary break down and see clearly how he is responsible for driving you away. His apologies likely will be sincere at that time. These rare events are called "moments of clarity." They typically last a day or two at most -- and have no lasting effect whatsoever. My BPDer exW, for example, experienced about 5 such events during our 15 year marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Emotional Abuse &amp; Divorce. My personal Story*

I am so glad you and your boy got out of that situation. Thank you for sharing the updates, your story will no doubt help others in similar situations to gain some insight.

I find it a true shame when one person must be emotionally and/or physically abusive to survive. He was clearly very sick to hold the knife to himself and play on your guilt. It's a blessing he's not your problem anymore. 

All the best. X


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@rainer I can't emphasize enough how uplifting it is to read about your experience. Uplifting to see that some women who get trapped in these cycles, find a way. Uplifting to know one less child is living in an abusive environment. On the flip side, it saddens me that after all my efforts, my mother is still stuck in a similarly abusive environment. She's like an addict. I'm on the path to cutting her out of my life and unfortunately I foresee that I will experience major backlash from the rest of the family. While I can acknowledge her suffering, I'm at the point where I think there needs to be consequences. I've internalized too much of her pain for too long.


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