# Women and the need for security



## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?

Has the need for security become more or less important at different times of your life? For example, was security not as important early in your relationship but more important once you got going on having children?

I have had a front row seat to more 'failed' marriages (some of which ended in divorce, some didn't) in the past several years than I ever would have wanted to have. Many/most happened within a few years of having kids. All but one divorce was initiated by the woman.

In all of them, I noticed a pretty solid trend. Almost every woman complained that she was 'sick and tired of her husband', that he was 'worthless', 'a child', 'incompetent', 'not doing enough', 'weak', 'a disappointment', 'a loser', 'an underachiever', 'needing to man up', 'didn't care about his family', etc. Three divorces were the direct result of the man becoming unemployed (and remaining unemployed for too long) during the recession.

While I can't say that those complaints (and resulting actions) were entirely the result of a lack of the wife feeling secure (and content in that security), it certainly does look that way from the outside.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?
> 
> I have a high need for Financial Support because it was important to me (and my husband) to be able to stay home with our children rather than have them in daycare/afterschool care. My husband also has a high need for Domestic Support, so we were a good match in that way.
> 
> ...


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

And if there is one thing kids are great at introducing to a marriage, it's financial stress, lol. Especially if one or both parents believe that staying at home with their babies is important. And even if they don't, paying for childcare is incredibly expensive (if good childcare can be found at all - we had to get a nanny so I could go back to work).


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> And if there is one thing kids are great at introducing to a marriage, it's financial stress, lol. Especially if one or both parents believe that staying at home with their babies is important. And even if they don't, paying for childcare is incredibly expensive (if good childcare can be found at all - we had to get a nanny so I could go back to work).


I know. In many cases, the second income will be insignificant after childcare, convenience foods, household help, and added stress on the breadwinner. It was in our case, mainly because my industry is not a big money-maker. But I love it, so I do make some time for it. My commitment to the family/household comes first though.

I know your part-time work is more lucrative, so I think that's different.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> I know your part-time work is more lucrative, so I think that's different.


In my case, my son's nanny and I split my earnings. We made the same amount of money on the days that I worked, lol.

Once he started preschool, I would say that even more of my earnings went to pay for his school. I'm not sure, but I feel like preschool tuition is comparable to college tuition, lol. He's in kindergarten now, which is cheaper, and we finally landed him in a good public school (after trying - and stressing - for two years), so next year he goes to school for free. Whew!


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

All of my sense of security comes from within. I do not need anyone else to provide it, or even help me with it -- although it is nice to know that he has my back.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife is strong and I have no doubt she could handle her own security. However, she seeks security from me. It is a need she has from a man and I am happy to provide it for her.

The times I was not able to provide that security, her trust level in me was rightfully low.

If she had to provide her own security, whether it is financial, physical or otherwise, what would I be worth for her?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My husband was fired a few years ago. First time it had happened. He called me and I hadn't heard his voice sound that way before. He said he had some news. I froze, thinking someone had died. And was relieved that wasn't the case. We went to the pub that night and made a toast to 'Strikes and Gutters' ...life happens. 

He dusted himself off quickly and got to doing whatever was needed to make things happen. He's been on receiving end of unfortunate timing a couple times since, with companies dropping projects and such because of budget. 

Each time he's continued to stay on path and look forward. I've acknowledged to him that he experienced upheaval and kept dusting himself off. His approach and attitude is consistently of action. The mortgage still needs to be paid, responsibilities met, the only way to get there is through actions. That's how he views things. Even if I've suggested that I can carry us short term, he's not accepting of that.

That's who he is. We all react to things differently. I respect his resilience.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?
> 
> Has the need for security become more or less important at different times of your life? For example, was security not as important early in your relationship but more important once you got going on having children?
> 
> ...



Material security is mostly an illusion. At best, material security only allows us to retain things that most of the world deems luxuries - like a roof over your head, a vehicle, food that can be purchased instead of raised, etc. 

In the Western world, society (OK, mostly our governments) tell us that a house is required. OK, let's buy into this story. Not too far-fetched, I'd say. But - compared to the 1950s,. houses are 3X the size they used to be (on average) and have HALF the number of people in them. There is no aspect of the biology of a human that requires 6X the interior square footage of teh 1950s.

So, if you're feeling insecure about the roof over your head - trade it for a smaller roof. I've done that with houses AND cars, and the feeling of paying off the debts is amazing.

As far as emotional security - that's the whole point of a romantic relationship, IMO. I am a whole person, she does not fill a void in me - however, she DOES fill the role of someone to listen when I have an emotional struggle..she listens, she says "that must feel awful" but she does not fix. Just as I do with her. At least, that's how it's supposed to work. according to the gurus.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> My husband was fired a few years ago. First time it had happened. He called me and I hadn't heard his voice sound that way before. He said he had some news. I froze, thinking someone had died. And was relieved that wasn't the case. We went to the pub that night and made a toast to 'Strikes and Gutters' ...life happens.
> 
> He dusted himself off quickly and got to doing whatever was needed to make things happen. He's been on receiving end of unfortunate timing a couple times since, with companies dropping projects and such because of budget.
> 
> ...


Your husband is a realist. Statistically, the average American gets laid off 4 times in their career and spends 48 months jobless. May as well accept the reality and be OK with it. Most of us, when laid off the first time, realize how evil debt is and dump it ASAP, then the next layoff is manageble simply by being prepared.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My wife relies on me for emotional security. She owned a house before I did, though I make more money. She lived alone longer then I did. I feel very little pressure to make her feel financially secure because I know she knows she is capable. Both of us have been outsourced at different times and we both carried the other one. We are a team.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emotional, financial, spiritual security are all important. That does not mean that I shouldn't be doing things for myself, working for example, ensuring i take care of my own emotional and spiritual needs. There is a huge difference between a man down on his luck due to a layoff for example, but who gets up and does something about it and a man who is too lazy to fully participate in the life of his family or get a job, etc.

The former I would support and do all in my power to help through the tough times, the latter I would kick to the kerb. I am thankful my H would fall in the former group. He has met many setbacks in his work life but has shown sheer grit, determination and persistence. I really admire that about him. His work ethic is something I want him to pass to our kids.
The only problem I have is how he chooses to spend money, material things are important to him. I know the adage, 'work hard, play hard', he feels he should enjoy the fruits of his labour. Fair enough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?


Security… financial & emotional.
Financial security is important, especially when you have children. I would not want to live on the street and definitely would not want my children living on the street. But I have never expected financial security from a man. Good thing I did not, but it was not there anyway.

Emotional security- there are a lot of aspects to this. I wanted emotional security in my marriage. I wanted to know what I was loved, that he would be there emotionally, spend time with me, have a sex life, and so forth. That was apparently too much to ask.



Dazedconfuzed said:


> Has the need for security become more or less important at different times of your life? For example, was security not as important early in your relationship but more important once you got going on having children?


It’s been pretty steady. Since I was not a SAHM, I did not experience a lot of what many other women do in needing a husband to provide financial security.


Dazedconfuzed said:


> I have had a front row seat to more 'failed' marriages (some of which ended in divorce, some didn't) in the past several years than I ever would have wanted to have. Many/most happened within a few years of having kids. All but one divorce was initiated by the woman.


When you say initiated, do you mean that the woman was the one who filed for divorce? Or do you mean that the husband was happy with the marriage, the woman was not and she asked for dovorce against his wishes? Are you saying that the men were faultless in the failure of the marriage?


Dazedconfuzed said:


> In all of them, I noticed a pretty solid trend. Almost every woman complained that she was 'sick and tired of her husband', that he was 'worthless', 'a child', 'incompetent', 'not doing enough', 'weak', 'a disappointment', 'a loser', 'an underachiever', 'needing to man up', 'didn't care about his family', etc. Three divorces were the direct result of the man becoming unemployed (and remaining unemployed for too long) during the recession.


Since I don’t know these women and their situation, I don’t know how many of the women were accurately describing their husbands. And what did their husbands say about them? I’ll bet that some of those women were right in the way they described their husbands. And some of them were just badmouthing them because they had to justify ending the marriage.


Dazedconfuzed said:


> While I can't say that those complaints (and resulting actions) were entirely the result of a lack of the wife feeling secure (and content in that security), it certainly does look that way from the outside.


Interesting that you ascribe the lack of security as perhaps the cause of the end of the marriage.
My first marriage ended because my husband was abusive, refused to meet any of my emotional needs.. I later found out that he was cheating the entire marriage with various women.

My second marriage ended because from the day of our marriage, my husband stopped doing anything in the way of meeting emotional needs, refused to participate in any house work, yard work, care of his own children from his previous relationship (he had 10% custody). In the second year of our marriage he was laid off. So he spent the next 10 years playing video games and surfing the web.

I’m not sure is the lack of security of any kind could be the issue in both marriages… well except maybe the lack of emotional security… there was none in either marriage. But the complete disregard for meeting any needs at all was definitely the cause of me filing for divorce in both marriages.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Security is probably the most important thing to me in marriage. The trust I have in my husband is directly related to how loving and giving I feel towards him.

If he would ever not like how things were going in the marriage, he would just need to look at himself and how he has treated me to correct it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

This blogger shares his views on women's need for emotional security in marriage:

_I think the #1 cause of divorce is relationship-damaging behavior by men who honestly don’t recognize it. Good men with good intentions who damage their wives’ emotional and mental health with behaviors they don’t understand to be as damaging as they are._

. . . 

_Men—boyfriends and husbands—often are so determined to defend their actions and feelings that they don’t actively listen to their upset girlfriends or wives. They HEAR them, saying words and being angry and stuff. But they don’t LISTEN. They don’t understand. They never figure out WHY their partner is saying and feeling these things._

. . . 

_After dozens, perhaps hundreds of attempts to explain what it is that upsets her, he generally responds angrily. Or tells her she’s wrong. Or tells her she’s just being emotional again. Or tells her she’s mentally unstable. Or simply walks away in frustration because he doesn’t want to fight anymore. Or maybe he’s really patient, and simply walks away confused after the conversation without fighting back, but also without ever understanding what she’s trying to communicate to him.

No matter which of those common responses occur with any given couple, each instance further weakens a wife or girlfriend’s faith in the relationship._

. . . 

_A wife or girlfriend loses trust in her husband or boyfriend after repeated attempts to explain why something hurts and requests for help in making it stop haven’t resulted in any positive outcomes nor any evidence that he wants the painful thing to stop.

Faced with feeling hurt every day for the rest of her marriage/relationship, and no evidence her committed partner is willing to be a partner in making something painful go away, she stops trusting him._

https://mustbethistalltoride.com/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Emotional security in a relationship is important since you are expected to let your guard down to this person with whom you are exclusive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dazedconfuzed said:


> How important is 'security' (material as well as emotional) to your marriage? Does what your partner do (or not do) affect your feeling of security? Is his ability to 'protect and provide' important to you?


 Beings we set out wanting a larger family... Financial security WAS important to me.. a man's WORK ETHIC and if he could manage money was imperative.... but it's a 2 way street here... I didn't choose him because he made good money...we were compatible, had the same dreams... we started out on low incomes.. we both worked full time... both of us very frugal..I bought the "Tightwad Gazette" in our early yrs... I'd read books on how to save/ manage money on a dime.... he had a similar mindset ....we saved, scrimped, we did our own home projects along the way, we always bought older cars... he got a much better job 8 yrs in.... I was able to stay home with the kids, took on small jobs on the side around his schedule most of our marriage... 

My husband will always make more $$ over me.. .he has more skills...he is one who believes in Protecting and Providing .. and I dearly love him for feeling this way..

I am working full time again (I sought a job with family benefits as I was worried he may get laid off), this may not even happen, things are looking up there...I was being Pro-active...down the road I may go part time, if I feel his job is stable again...we do what we have to do -to keep the family running... we've never had a fight over finances yet in our marriage.. 

Emotionally speaking, we're both very in-tuned to each other.. I've never felt neglected in the smallest way... he's a great listener, he enjoys being with me, the kids.. 



> Has the need for security become more or less important at different times of your life? For example, was security not as important early in your relationship but more important once you got going on having children?


 It's not something I ever really thought about during those years.. we were always a couple who had money saved , in case we needed another car, a new roof, some emergency ....maybe I even took him for granted, though I don't think so as I never acted like money grew on trees or anything.. I guarded his income...even more than he would have. I've always handled the finances...if there was any time I was worried.. I'd be out there working to bring our savings back up. 



> I have had a front row seat to more 'failed' marriages (some of which ended in divorce, some didn't) in the past several years than I ever would have wanted to have. Many/most happened within a few years of having kids. All but one divorce was initiated by the woman.


 NOT being able to conceive caused my husband more turmoil with me over having the kids.. go figure!! Since we were a couple who set out to have a family.. this did fulfill us a great deal.. it was like all our dreams were coming true.. Having kids never hurt our marriage.. the only blunder I did was.. putting the babies in bed with us. .this did affect the sex life more than it should have.. he didn't complain.. but he should have! How we raised them.. we were always on the same page. 



> In all of them, I noticed a pretty solid trend. Almost every woman complained that she was 'sick and tired of her husband', that he was 'worthless', 'a child', 'incompetent', 'not doing enough', 'weak', 'a disappointment', 'a loser', 'an underachiever', 'needing to man up', 'didn't care about his family', etc. Three divorces were the direct result of the man becoming unemployed (and remaining unemployed for too long) during the recession.


 I've never felt any of these about my husband.. he's a very responsible man...honest, hard working...I knew early on, just by his character, how he treated me.. his reputation at work... although he didn't make a lot of money.. he wasn't a college Grad so his ambition wasn't as high as others, still I knew he'd do anything he needed to do - to provide for his own. 



> While I can't say that those complaints (and resulting actions) were entirely the result of a lack of the wife feeling secure (and content in that security), it certainly does look that way from the outside.


 I believe it has a lot to do with it.. nice write up on this here... What are the three most important things men/women want in relationship? - Quora 



> That is about mindsets, and mind you, they come with a strong ripple effect. What do women really want?
> 
> First off, there is a not-so-subtle difference between hunting for rich guys and simply being impressed by men who make good money. The former needs no explanation, it sure isn't even the subject we are dealing with, here. I'll talk about the latter.
> 
> ...


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

jld said:


> This blogger shares his views on women's need for emotional security in marriage:
> 
> _I think the #1 cause of divorce is relationship-damaging behavior by men who honestly don’t recognize it. Good men with good intentions who damage their wives’ emotional and mental health with behaviors they don’t understand to be as damaging as they are._
> 
> ...


Great post. I 100% agree that this is a major cause of failed marriages, especially those in which the wife initiates divorce. Emotional intelligence is so important in marriage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jld said:


> This blogger shares his views on women's need for emotional security in marriage:
> 
> _I think the #1 cause of divorce is relationship-damaging behavior by men who honestly don’t recognize it. Good men with good intentions who damage their wives’ emotional and mental health with behaviors they don’t understand to be as damaging as they are._
> 
> ...





Jessica38 said:


> Great post. I 100% agree that this is a major cause of failed marriages, especially those in which the wife initiates divorce. Emotional intelligence is so important in marriage.


Yes, @jld's post hit's the nail on the head--for me, at least. This is the exact reason my marriage failed. I can give a laundry list of everything that went wrong, but that entire laundry list can be distilled to what @jld posted.

Conversely, this is why I am so happy in my current relationship--Real Estate does the exact opposite of what's in @jld's post, and it makes me feel secure, valued, and important to him.


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

Hope I am not too late to get in on this. Every marriage dynamic is different. But my mother always said "a woman's job is to know her man". It took me many years to understand that but now i do. We live in a culture where as longs ur needs are not being met in the way u require, that person has a right to leave, after giving the other person several chances to correct their errant ways. But a healthy relationship is when we give especially on the days that person dont deserve it. Security to me does not come from finances, looks, or sex. Me studying my partner knowing his need and happily doing my best to give it. And understanding he has shortcomings and so do i. Some of his needs are not being met too. And that while our sacrifices may have different faces. We have both sacrificed to be together.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> Your husband is a realist. Statistically, the average American gets laid off 4 times in their career and spends 48 months jobless. May as well accept the reality and be OK with it. Most of us, when laid off the first time, realize how evil debt is and dump it ASAP, then the next layoff is manageble simply by being prepared.


He is a realist, this is true. 

He has little tolerance when others are not this way. I was sharing a conversation with a relative who said they're having a hard time (emotionally) moving house and finding work at the same time. His response was, 'Well, the bank isn't going to care if they're finding it hard.'


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I view marriage as a partnership, as in we choose to build and maintain a life together, always in collaboration and always “having each other’s backs”. There may be periods in life where one partner is experiencing a setback (illness, unemployment or other life trauma) and during those times the other partner “steps up” and “contributes” more to the partnership. 

*This type of partnership is the only “security” that I need.* In other words when life gets a bit rough each partner “steps up” and supports each other in whatever way is needed without bailing on the partnership.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I don't need financial security from my partner. I'm very independent and have always handled financial matters on my own. 

What I do expect and want from my partner is him paying his 50% share. I refuse to pay for someone else long term again. Been there, done that. Having said that, I guess that is a form of financial security. Knowing that he will pay his share.

What I do expect and want is definite emotional security. I cannot think of anything worse than having a bad day, or perhaps a catastrophic event happen to me and my partner not being supportive. That is way more important to me than financial security.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've been in relationships where I didn't feel that sense of security, but with my fiance, I feel that - emotionally. I trust him, he is a very strong yet humble guy, and I just feel 'safe' with him, if that makes sense. In a financial support sense, he is a police officer and makes a decent living for me to be able to stay at home, when we have kids someday. I've never really looked at financial security as a main thing that attracted me when dating guys before him. I've dated a few guys who have made more money than him, but they lacked in so many other areas that really matter to me. I think how responsible a guy is with money, how much debt he might be in, etc are important to look at, though when you're getting into a LTR.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I don't need financial security from my partner. I'm very independent and have always handled financial matters on my own.
> 
> What I do expect and want from my partner is him paying his 50% share. I refuse to pay for someone else long term again. Been there, done that. Having said that, I guess that is a form of financial security. Knowing that he will pay his share.
> 
> ...


However, your second paragraph is one of the strongest statements of a rigidly defined form of financial security so far in this thread....

My version of financial security is:

"I have my own, based on having never made an attachment to material objects. I want the woman to have a similar lack of attachment to material things. If she is interested in the material world, that is well, and if it fits what I earn that is well, but if she expects me to pay for a lifestyle that does not happen to suit us both, then I'm not too interested."

"Security" in fact, does not exist in the world in any form. What properous (in all four forms) people do is be resilient. I have been homeless, negative net worth, laid off many times. The first layoff saw me in emotional pain - the rest did not, because I had absorbed it as a mere expectation of life.

Tennis players are never secure in their game. They contstantly train to return forehands, backhands, slams and anything else they can think of. The opponent will do as the opponent will, just as life will do as life will, and our proper attitude is to own our response to it.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> He is a realist, this is true.
> 
> He has little tolerance when others are not this way. I was sharing a conversation with a relative who said they're having a hard time (emotionally) moving house and finding work at the same time. His response was, 'Well, the bank isn't going to care if they're finding it hard.'


A realist in some ways. Being tolerant of others who have different view of life is another way of being a realist. But - I was there, once. Now, I ... well, read my tag line.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DustyDog said:


> A realist in some ways. Being tolerant of others who have different view of life is another way of being a realist. But - I was there, once. Now, I ... well, read my tag line.


While that's the way he is, he'd also agree with your sentiment.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Emotional security in a relationship is important since you are expected to let your guard down to this person with whom you are exclusive.


Agree with this, women are emotionally softer than men I think. 
Men can take the woman's heart (because that is what she gives him) and throw it in his pocket or in his gym bag, be careless and sometimes callous with it, it is hard for a man to undo that kind of damage. Many men do this damage unwittingly because they fail to see the signs, they fail to realise how precious is the gift he has been given.
Why because for a woman love is number one (for a man, respect is number one) and for a woman when this happens she might forgive but she rarely ever forgets.
This is why many women at the later stage of life file for divorce.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So yes, it seems women do care about how much money a guy makes. But to say that they give more importance to money than their qualities is wrong. Making money requires its own set of qualities, women just happen to know that. While honesty, humility etc are positive qualities that could make a person a lot more likable, they are not qualities you would trust all your life with. Making money is an art that requires a whole lot of intelligence, smartness, people-skills. determination, and flexibility. Now those are qualities that could greatly decide the couple's future together. Because no matter how rich the guy is, he is going to ruin them both if life hasn't taught him to be responsible.


This paragraph is dead on, IMO.

I've always said that women are most attracted to *qualities*, and money is a powerful proxy for the qualities that women desire most. Money in and of itself isn't necessarily the be all end all, except for golddiggers. But a lack of money can indicate a lack of those valuable qualities.


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## Dazedconfuzed (Mar 20, 2017)

aine said:


> Why because for a woman love is number one (for a man, respect is number one) and for a woman when this happens she might forgive but she rarely ever forgets.


This is so true.

And, I would add from my own personal experience (which lines up with your observation 100%), that men have a hard time getting past a woman who has lost respect for him, even if she tries to make amends. It's hard to unring that bell...


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