# Husband learned new sex moves - good or bad?



## justcurious

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some feedback from any of you that can give me your opinions. I have been agonizing over this for a couple days now and I don't know if I am just being a paranoid lunatic or what.

Little background info, me and husband have been together 20 years, sex life has always been tame and vanilla. In these 20 years of sex, I have never had an orgasm with him, ever. Few years back I decided to take on the challenge and learn how to do it myself, successfully :smthumbup:. Anyways, since then I have been much more open to experimenting but he is too shy or whatever the problem might be (he is a horrible communicator and also passive aggressive). Over a year ago, I was trying to explain to him about the gspot, he was not really interested in hearing about it - makes him uncomfortable. So I dropped it.

Flash forward a couple days ago, I will apologize now if this is too much information but it is what it is. So the other day we are getting intimate, and out of the blue he is "perfectly" touching my gspot - now when I say perfectly I mean like textbook perfect, no fumbling around. Had the whole "come hither" motion perfected.

Afterwards I am like wow, where did you learn how to do that?
His reply is "well each woman or they say for each woman it is different"
I asked what woman? (He has only been with me and couple others but this is when he was under 18 and they were not experimental at all)
Then he says well you gave me hints - I asked what hints did I give you - we haven't talked about this in over a year?
Then he exploded with anger. Telling me to shut the [email protected] up, and fine he is never doing that again, he's sorry he even had sex with me etc etc.

He said I was accusing him of cheating, when I thought maybe he just took some initiative and googled it or read it somewhere or asked a buddy, I was just interested where he found out how to do it perfectly.

Now since the whole fiasco my gut is churning, I just have this feeling in my gut that he has cheated on me. It doesn't seem logical to me why he would explode with anger - my tone was not accusatory at all when I asked him. I have been searching everywhere for any possible signs that he might have - checked cell and computer, nothing. So have I lost it and am just being paranoid or what would any of you think if you experienced this?

I thought maybe he might be too shy to admit he googled, but I know for a fact he didn't - I checked history - recovered deleted history and there is no indication of reading up on gspot. 

Please anyone what are your thoughts on him learning this new trick out of the blue without any reading reference, and by the way he exploded with anger. Thanks so much.


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## Jellybeans

Idk if he's cheating but he *definitely* overreacted to you


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## magnoliagal

I've been married 19 years and occasionally out of the blue my dh pulls out a move that I had no idea he was even aware of. It never even dawned on me that he'd cheated. I just assumed he got the information elsewhere. Playboy, internet (could use another computer - there are lots out there), listening to other guys talk, tv, anywhere. These days you can turn on the OWN network and watch a talk show that's nothing but sex. Or what about talk radio? Satallite radio has plenty of them. 

I've never questioned where he learned it nor do I care really since I know he isn't cheating. Usually my question is "where did that 
come from?" not "where did you learn that?"

As far as YOUR computer goes I know how to delete history, deleted files, and if I wanted to go even further I'd reset my computer to a back date and it's like it never even happened....


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## Runs like Dog

Nice move on your part. The one time he satisfies you condemn it. Awesome.


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## magnoliagal

Runs like Dog said:


> Nice move on your part. The one time he satisfies you condemn it. Awesome.


Glad someone had the guts to say this cause I sure didn't but was thinking it. :iagree:


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## justcurious

Thanks for the replies - The fact that he demonstrated a new move isn't what is bothering me the most, it was his reaction when I asked. I try to put myself in the reverse situation and if I did some new great move and he asked where that came from or where I learned it - I would answer it honestly, whether that was google or wherever. I certainly wouldn't be angry - why would I?

My first reaction was not that he cheated, it was oh he has been using google productively lol, so I asked, I have been attempting to open doors on sexual talk etc so I thought maybe he was just researching things as well. Was not prepared for the major angry response I received.


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## michzz

Runs like Dog said:


> Nice move on your part. The one time he satisfies you condemn it. Awesome.


:iagree:


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## magnoliagal

You gave him the third degree and he obviously didn't want to tell you so why didn't you drop it? And <radical concept> just say thank you that was AWESOME!! When I read up a new move I don't want to fess up to my dh that I'd researched it. Makes me seem so nerdy and I don't want to go there.

I also wouldn't want him to see what I've googled. I think it's so lame although he knows good and darn well that I do it.


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## justcurious

Okay I understand written text can never portray what my tone was when I talked to him, but he certainly did not get any third degree or 50 million questions. I was laughing when I asked him, and it was more like "wow where did you learn that!" I was excited and happy that he was taking some initiative. I was not angry, not accusatory.

I certainly did not condemn him


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## SadSamIAm

You asked him about other women .... You questioned his comment about you giving hints.

You didn't like his answer, so you started criticizing.


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## Mephisto

Runs like Dog said:


> Nice move on your part. The one time he satisfies you condemn it. Awesome.


Blunt, Raw and Cynical. You have a way with words RLD, I like your style! :rofl:


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## WhereAmI

It sounds like sex is an uncomfortable topic for him altogether. I wouldn't necessarily jump to him having an affair. I think it's far more likely that he's spent a lot of time thinking about this and finally got up the nerve to do it. I do think he overreacted, but this is one of those times you'll have to ignore his wrongdoing and apologize...if you want your sex life to improve. Tell him that in your state of extacy you chose the wrong words and were really just trying to let him know that he was fabulous. Then do whatever it is that makes his toes curl.


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## justcurious

Yes at the time it did occur to me that he "lucked" out and this time it worked. But that is not the case, he knew full well what his goal was and how to do it - he all of a sudden knows this information. 

I think perhaps I didn't explain myself very well in my first post, when he said "well each woman or they say for each woman it is different"
I asked what woman?

I referred to what woman is this different for? As far as anatomy, we are all pretty close in that department, sure what feels good etc is different but how to find it is pretty basic on each woman. 

He said I gave hints - I wondered what hints he is referring to - so I asked - is that considered criticism?

All of you have given me pretty much the same answer - so I guess his outburst of anger was justified and I should not ask questions anymore and just go with the flow. Just forget about opening a door to sexual communication. I guess I will never experience that again either but it is my own fault isn't it. Thanks for your honest replies.


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## justcurious

WhereAmI said:


> It sounds like sex is an uncomfortable topic for him altogether. I wouldn't necessarily jump to him having an affair. I think it's far more likely that he's spent a lot of time thinking about this and finally got up the nerve to do it. I do think he overreacted, but this is one of those times you'll have to ignore his wrongdoing and apologize...if you want your sex life to improve. Tell him that in your state of extacy you chose the wrong words and were really just trying to let him know that he was fabulous. Then do whatever it is that makes his toes curl.


Thanks WhereAmI, he is VERY uncomfortable with the topic of sex. I never asked questions while this was happening, I asked after the fact about an hour later. I do agree with you, I know I will have to apologize, even though in my heart all I did was ask a simple question that didn't call for ripping my head off. But for the sake of harmony I will apologize, this is a constant when married to a passive aggressive.


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## WhereAmI

justcurious said:


> All of you have given me pretty much the same answer - so I guess his outburst of anger was justified and I should not ask questions anymore and just go with the flow. Just forget about opening a door to sexual communication. I guess I will never experience that again either but it is my own fault isn't it. Thanks for your honest replies.


You sound like you're ready to pack up your toys and go home.

I don't think anyone thinks yelling and cursing is appropriate behavior toward a spouse. However, in a moment where your husband was feeling the best he's ever felt about pleasing you, you shot him down. I don't think you said what you meant to say. It did sound like you were accusing him of being with another woman. It's okay to make mistakes, though. Don't beat yourself up about it. That would be pointless. This is one of those times where your offenses outweighed his and you should try to be the bigger person. 

If there is any more suspicious behavior check into it! For now, apologize and let him know he rocked your world. If you want your sex life to progress you're going to have to make him comfortable. Now is not the time to shut down communication.


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## Niceguy13

justcurious said:


> Yes at the time it did occur to me that he "lucked" out and this time it worked. But that is not the case, he knew full well what his goal was and how to do it - he all of a sudden knows this information.
> 
> I think perhaps I didn't explain myself very well in my first post, when he said "well each woman or they say for each woman it is different"
> I asked what woman?
> 
> I referred to what woman is this different for? As far as anatomy, we are all pretty close in that department, sure what feels good etc is different but how to find it is pretty basic on each woman.
> 
> He said I gave hints - I wondered what hints he is referring to - so I asked - is that considered criticism?
> 
> All of you have given me pretty much the same answer - so I guess his outburst of anger was justified and I should not ask questions anymore and just go with the flow. Just forget about opening a door to sexual communication. I guess I will never experience that again either but it is my own fault isn't it. Thanks for your honest replies.


Anatomicaly you are all pretty similar down there but I assure you there are differences and for us they are pretty different. I have been with women where the come hither is almost a captain hook and other women where I can barley bend my fingers.


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## justcurious

WhereAmI said:


> You sound like you're ready to pack up your toys and go home.
> 
> I don't think anyone thinks yelling and cursing is appropriate behavior toward a spouse. However, in a moment where your husband was feeling the best he's ever felt about pleasing you, you shot him down. I don't think you said what you meant to say. It did sound like you were accusing him of being with another woman. It's okay to make mistakes, though. Don't beat yourself up about it. That would be pointless. This is one of those times where your offenses outweighed his and you should try to be the bigger person.
> 
> If there is any more suspicious behavior check into it! For now, apologize and let him know he rocked your world. If you want your sex life to progress you're going to have to make him comfortable. Now is not the time to shut down communication.


You know it isn't that I want to pack up my toys and go home, but I am tired, okay a couple days after this incident, he initiates sex, have sex, then an hour or so later, I was coming onto him and he told me to "quit my [email protected] nagging", called me a "selfish [email protected]", told to shut the [email protected] up. This went on for an hour. I got to hear all of this because I wanted to have sex again. I said he should feel flattered - but he most certainly was not flattered. His biggest request from me for the past year is to be more aggressive and to initiate sex - so I do now but I always get rejected. I just get so tired of being hurt by him - then on top of it the verbal abuse. I just feel like I can't do anything right with or for him.


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## Runs like Dog

justcurious, let me ask; do you think of yourself as hyper alert? Do you think you have heightened levels of anxiety? Do you experience episodes in your life where you feel you're rapidly losing control and it startles you?


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## justcurious

No I don't think I would consider myself to have heightened levels of anxiety - the only real anxiety I ever feel is if I have to drive in extremely high traffic areas but I manage. Why do you ask? I am actually the type of person that is very laid back, open-minded, and feel that everything works out in the end. 

If you are not familiar with how a passive aggressive person operates I suggest you read up on it, they constantly sabotage, play victim, blame, etc. etc. To top off his passive aggressive add on 17 years of his alcoholism and daily pot use. Trust me when I say he has some issues, I am not without my own, I freely admit my faults. When his own children hate him it can't be all my fault though. 

This is why it is so hard for me to find advice on a forum or through any friends or family, in order to fully understand our issues I would have to give you a 20 year rundown on what has occurred in our relationship. My children and I are the only ones who have ever seen this behavior so it is extremely hard for others to fully comprehend the whole situation.


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## magnoliagal

So there is more to this story than just this one incident. I stand corrected.

Cussing you out for an hour because you came onto him is totally unacceptable.


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## Syrum

He sounds awful. yuck. If he can't answer a normal sex question, he needs help.


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## Runs like Dog

I wonder if there is a history of hyper vigilant over reactions to innocuous things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

When I 1st read your opening post, I felt he TERRIBLY over reacted towards your comments. I felt you was getting jumped on with some of these replies, I personally didnt see anything wrong with your words towards him or even thought it sounded like accusing him of "cheating". 

Women are curious creatures, this is nothing new under the sun, we often appreciate details, I would have asked too! You were even laughing, giddy about it , simply curious! He is a man, to be this OVERLY senstive is rediculous in my opionion, I guess this is passive aggressive behavior. I can't imagine being married to that.

His rejecting you the way he did , using the F word, after telling you he wants you to "come on to him". Utterly deplorabe. IF he does not wise up, YOU will be the one loosing attraction to him. 

I am wanting to know if he ever apologizes to you for his rotten behavior?


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## Snooring

justcurious said:


> Yes at the time it did occur to me that he "lucked" out and this time it worked. But that is not the case, he knew full well what his goal was and how to do it - he all of a sudden knows this information.
> 
> I think perhaps I didn't explain myself very well in my first post, when he said "well each woman or they say for each woman it is different"
> I asked what woman?
> 
> I referred to what woman is this different for? As far as anatomy, we are all pretty close in that department, sure what feels good etc is different but how to find it is pretty basic on each woman.
> 
> He said I gave hints - I wondered what hints he is referring to - so I asked - is that considered criticism?
> 
> All of you have given me pretty much the same answer - so I guess his outburst of anger was justified and I should not ask questions anymore and just go with the flow. Just forget about opening a door to sexual communication. I guess I will never experience that again either but it is my own fault isn't it. Thanks for your honest replies.


In my opinion, he has been insecure for so long knowing he has not been satisfied you and that is why he escaped all sexual talks because he knew he is not capable of doing it and he felt you are frustrated which made him even more frastrated and insecure.

He then wanted to suprise you and be unpredictable. He wanted to be more intimidating by answered you "well each woman or they say for each woman it is different" to make you get those batterflies and wonder 

He even told you that you hinted him.(well of course you did before and he waited reserched untill he was confortable enough to do it)

He overreacted because he expected to be appreciative by praise him and telling him how good lover he was insteead of asking him questions (no matter how nicely questions might be)
His passive aggressive behavious contributed to him being angry I am convinced he has not cheated.

He is not confortable telling you that he googled from another computer probably or being told by his friend (especially if you know the friend - he will feel like you will get a bit intimidated by knowing that friend is a good lover -jealous you know...)

He rejected you because he is angry thathas asked you to intitiate for so long but you were selfish by not doing it and now because he did a great job you are comming running. He expected to do it before this incident.

I think you should apologize and tell him how great lover he is and how much you want him. Be more affectionate and intitiate few times for now and progress more as time goes on. Do not stop intiating but start few times for now and continue.

Work on his aggressive behavious and name calling in MC


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## justcurious

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Sorry this post is like a novel. To answer a few questions, no he has never apologized for his behavior, what usually happens after one of his outbursts of anger is he will give me the silent treatment for hours or days, and I will get tired of it and I just ease into chit chat with him about regular day to day stuff and then he stops the silent treatment. Then we're good for a few days or a week and then another anger outburst will happen and so on and so on. If I sit back and agree with everything he says and I give no opinions then he is fine. Now I mean even if I have an opinion on how to vacuum and it differs from his, he will be angry. Or he will have a snide remark on how stupid the way I vacuum is.

When he has his angry moments and calls me names etc. I will say that I don't deserve the disrespect he is showing, and he says "ohhhhh wouldn't wanna disrespect you" major snotty sarcastic tone. So by his tone I am assuming he thinks it is totally acceptable to disrespect me. If I happen to cry at one of his remarks he will laugh at me or imitate me crying. He will do all of this in front of our 12 year old child. 

I guess what made me want to get other peoples opinions on this forum is because 2 days ago I was talking to my 12 year old daughter after she witnessed a bunch of name calling etc the other day. She is usually a pretty quiet girl, and keeps her opinions to herself - but she outright said to me "Mom I don't know how you could have stayed with Dad for all these years - I think we should leave" she also explained to me that she is losing respect for me for putting up with his outbursts of anger. It was really sad to hear her say this - I feel horrible. I am supposed to be her role model and all she sees is her Mom accepting and making excuses for her Dads uncalled for behaviour. Our oldest daughter will have nothing to do with her Dad, she is 18, this girl is very opinionated and very smart, but her Dad has taken out his aggression on her for years and years, he always took it out on her and me equally, now she doesn't live with us anymore - she refuses to talk to him ever again, she hates him. She wants me to leave as well, but she understands why I try.

I just wanna add in a few details

- I have NEVER expressed any frustration in all these years for not having orgasm, I have never been angry etc. I silently kept it to myself and just accepted the fact that he was selfish in that department and just cared about himself. I never knew what I was missing for 17 years anyways (he was my first and only) so I really just didn't mind, until I thought okay if I don't know how to do it myself I can't really expect him to know - so I figured it out on my own and I did very nicely explain/show him - but he still never does it.

- For the past year, I have initiated sex countless times, I am the one with a higher sex drive - if it were up to me we would have sex daily but he is more like once a month or every 2 weeks. EVERY single time I have initiated sex the past year he has rejected me - I am not exaggerating EVERY time he rejected me. On 2 different occasions, I secretly planned out a weekend for the 2 of us to get away and be alone - when I told him about the surprise and how excited I was for the 2 of us to be alone for the weekend, he was not thrilled and he invited about 10 other people to join us. Despite me asking him not to invite the people, he did, they came and the weekend was okay but not what I had planned out. I wanted it to be more of a sexual type getaway instead it was just friends and us drinking. It really hurt when he did this.

- He has no problems physically, we are both young, I am only 36, he claims I am better looking now than when I first met him, I do look after myself not overweight at all - actually over past couple years I have really improved my appearance so it shouldn't be a problem with attraction or something like that.

I think he is not capable of intimacy and that is where are biggest problem lies - I need to feel it and hear it and with the way he thinks he believes that I am winning if he does that - that is how passive aggressives think - either they are losing or winning and if he does what I need or want then he loses. But in reality we would both win, he just doesn't see how intimacy would benefit our relationship.

I would really just like a healthy relationship, with regular affection, sex and love but it doesn't seem possible when I am the only one who works on it, like I said I am exhausted, I am feeling so burnt out from trying to keep it all together. Walking on eggshells all the time so I don't upset him. Wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what to do


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## justcurious

Also, after gspot/question incident and he was screaming yelling, I did say to him during his outburst that if he thought I was accusing him of cheating - I am sorry he felt this way because that was not my intention at all - I also apologized the next day to him about it and tried to talk to him but he was still so angry. He didn't accept the apology. I also apologized for coming onto to him when he was so angry about that as well. I have no problem apologizing. Sorry is a big part of my vocabulary. 

I know for a fact that he will NEVER do the gspot thingy again, that is how he is, he holds a grudge forever so he will never do it again to punish me.

Oral sex has been a taboo subject with him our entire relationship, but I was interested in doing it to him, so I talked to him about it and expressed my interest - he was mad. I just wanted him to help ease my nervousness about it and to tell me if I was on the right path when I did try. He refused to give any guidance at all and was just angry as hell. 

It just seems like as time goes on I have become more accepting of his behavior because it seems normal to me when you live with it on a day to day basis. Sometimes I will think if I was with someone new and I said the same thing - how would they react? I know a different person would be pleased and on board with it. Its pretty damn confusing.


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## justcurious

I have asked about marriage counseling and he will have no part of that because he has no problems - his words.

For the past couple months I have seriously been considering leaving him - I am just so tired of it all. I try try try and he just honestly doesn't care about my feelings, needs, wants. I am a "selfish [email protected]" if I try to bring in any closeness - "you don't always get what you want" is one of his responses.

A few months ago I received some horrific news, my sister who was like my mother to me, so very very close, she committed suicide. I kept my grieving to myself mostly because I knew it would bother him - so anyways about a month after her death I was having a bad day and really upset and was crying - he said to me - don't you think it's about time you stopped your [email protected] whining about her. I was shocked, not much shocks me anymore, but I thought what a heartless piece of **** you are for saying that.

But since her death, I have just really been thinking that I need to live a happy life for me and my kids, I wanna do it for her, I know she always wanted me to be happy, she always hated my husband. But you know what there are times when things are good between us, and that is what stops me - but those times are becoming less and less. I forgive him way to easily and make excuses (alcoholism/passive aggressive) and I think I need to open my eyes and realize things are never going to change for the better. If the problem was with me, it would be easy, I have no problem addressing my problems and realizing how they contribute to our issues - so I deal with them. I guess I am scared to make the move I need to - I have been with him my entire adult life, since I was 16 actually.


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## chillymorn

Wow what a peice of work.

get out now and enjoy the rest of your life like your sister would want you to do.

good luck


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## SimplyAmorous

I think you need a book like this to help you sort through exactly WHY you need to leave this marraige, personally I feel it is TOO BAD to stay, many deal breakers there. 

Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books

Beings his own daughter refuses to even look upon his face, and your youngest is also HURTING seeing her mother treated like this, terribly disrespected, ignored, pushed aside, bossed around , walking on eggshells daily & punished with the Silent Treatment. 

Her words to you was a "wake up call" -to your future. Do you value yourself enough to leave this EMOTIONAL Abuser? Obviously this man has no desire to change, he wants a puppet who has no desires, no wants, just to serve his selfish needs, he has no interest in a loving wife or pleasing another human being. 

Do you love yourself enough to FIGHT for your own happiness? You will surely earn even MORE respect from your 2 daughters in the process- by leaving, showing them how to be "fighters" in life, To stand up for themselves, against bad unfair treatment in this world & with men. They will be there for you, you can do all things, if you set your mind to it. 

NO, not all men are like this, Oh my No! Not that it is easy as we get older with kids to find a decent match, but darn, you are at the bottom of the barrel now honey, most will be a step up ! You will feel like you are walking on the clouds of Heaven, after this marraige , to get some simple "decent' interaction & affection from a man.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

justcurious said:


> I guess what made me want to get other peoples opinions on this forum is because 2 days ago I was talking to my 12 year old daughter after she witnessed a bunch of name calling etc the other day. She is usually a pretty quiet girl, and keeps her opinions to herself - but she outright said to me "Mom I don't know how you could have stayed with Dad for all these years - I think we should leave" she also explained to me that she is losing respect for me for putting up with his outbursts of anger. It was really sad to hear her say this - I feel horrible. I am supposed to be her role model and all she sees is her Mom accepting and making excuses for her Dads uncalled for behaviour.


you should be able to answer your own questions from this alone.


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## kikimom8

Ok, so the issue is not really did he cheat or not to learn the new move, but why is he treating you so bad???

I can't believe it took him a year to try it on you after you figured it out!!!! I'm so sorry!!!

And poor you, you've been sleeping during sex for years not knowing what you were missing! :sleeping:

I'm going to tell you right away what you already know in your heart. Your husband is being abusive emotionally, verbally, and maybe physically too. This is not ok.

My ex husband was abusive. I lived with him for 10 years, and I thought I loved him, and he loved me and the kids. I thought I could fix him. I thought he yelled at me because I was a really bad wife, and messy. I thought there needed to be 2 parents in a home for the kids to grow up properly. I thought I'd never find anyone to love me because I had kids already, and I'd never be able to support myself and my kids on a salary I could earn. I was scared to leave, but wanted to leave so badly in my heart. He didn't start off this way. He was normal when I met him. He was nice, and loving. They never show you who they really are at first. And, they always, always, always get worse.

I don't know if you have thought about leaving him, and if you have the ability to take care of yourself and your kids financially or not?

I understand this is very hard to hear, and you probably hear mixed messages all the time about love, and marriage, and values, and what children need, etc. But more than what's important for you or your husband, let's talk about your kids for a minute. Yes, while it's true that kids need both parents, that is ONLY true if we are talking about a normal family where the parents both love each other and are NOT abusive. There aren't a lot of examples of abusive families on TV, or in the news, or in books, so it's hard to know what to do when it's your life. All we see everywhere are normal loving families. 

But, the truth is kids need 1 loving parent a LOT more than 2 parents that fight all the time. That is not good. You are teaching your daughter how to find and marry an abusive man. And you are teaching your son how to be abusive to his girlfriend, or wife, secretly. 

I tried to get help, I tried to tell my family, but no one listened. I don't know if they thought I was lying? Or exaggerating? Or what??

But, I made a plan, and left, and it's been the best thing I could have ever, ever done for me and my children!

I found I could support myself, and make tons of friends, and had men coming out of the woodwork who wanted to date me. No one cared that I had kids, they loved them too. I am so happy now. It was the scariest and best thing I've ever done.

Abusive spouses, always get worse. They trick you, and you ignore the warning signs at the beginning of the relationship. I will never do that again, but I didn't know any better then. At the end of the marriage, he got really bad. He sort of lost his mind, and threatened to kill me....twice. Once with a kitchen knife in his hand. He had started to physically abuse me, and wake me up in the middle of the night to yell at me, and accuse me of crazy things like flirting with other men, etc. Totally NUTS.

I know my situation is probably extreme, but let me tell you that most men are nice, they do NOT yell, blame or accuse. I've been with my current husband for 3 years, and it's like a dream come true. He is so nice, he kisses the ground I walk on. We never fight, and if he does get grumpy, all I have to do is say "Let's not fight baby, ok?" and he immediately stops and says sorry. Now that's a man.

You need to get rid of this burden to you and your children, and find one of those men. They are all over the place if you know where to look :smthumbup:

Good luck, and please feel free to email me anytime. I'd love to help you escape!!!


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## justcurious

Thanks kikimom8  You sound like you really understand what I am dealing with here.

A year ago I had a lightbulb moment and realized my relationship was crap and have been on this "mission" to fix it. I guess I thought sex was the biggest issue and I thought it was what needed to be fixed in order for him to be more sensitive and want intimacy. I think I am finally accepting the fact that yes I changed for the better - but he is unwilling to see any faults of his own. He will actually say I am to blame for EVERYTHING. Passive Aggressives are incapable of real intimacy.

Over this past year I did learn something, that I am married to a verbally and emotionally abusive bully, and I thought I had the capabilities to change him into a loving affectionate caring man. BIG MISTAKE. The stronger I got over the past year, the more abusive he has become. It amazes me what I put up with from him now - I am a strong person and no one would suspect that I tolerate this kind of crap from him - I am pretty sure that if one of my male family members were here to witness it - they would kick my husbands ass.

I do think about leaving him, at this point I probably think about it a dozen times a day now - I am scared. I have been dependent on him for 20 years. A few years back I saw signs of us ending and I took it upon myself to get a 2 year university diploma, got my drivers license, just in case I ever left. But even with these things I am still so scared to be out there on my own - if I can find a job that will pay our bills. 

If I leave him I will have to move about 1500 miles away (long story) but I see that as a good thing - then I don't have to see him and put up with his crap. BUT you know what stupid thing I worry about - I worry that if I leave, and a few months go by and he moves on with life and finds some new woman - this bothers me so much - wondering if it would be the biggest mistake I ever make, losing him for good. 

A long term male friend is aware of a few of our problems, he knows that my oldest daughter bought a scooter for $1400 with her own money, my husband was irritated that it was not parked in the "perfect" spot so he was all angry and drug the scooter all over the driveway - scratched and dented the scooter all up - no apology or anything - just a snarky attitude and says "well don't fuc$ing park it there". Anyways I was talking to this friend the other day, updating him, he was shocked that I put up with this crap. He assured me I would have no problem eventually finding a decent man. I don't really worry about that too much, I would want to be single for a longgggggg time first anyways.

When you wrote what you have now with your new husband I am so jealous - I want that so badly! I know I can have it too if I ever get the courage to leave - that's the sad part is that I have to leave the person I love to go find that with another man. Did you ever worry you were making a mistake if you left? Or did you just KNOW you had to get out? How did you deal with loving him so much and having his warped love in return? What made you finally accept that he would never change? 

I guess in my heart I think that one day he will have a lightbulb moment and will magically change into this loving, caring, kind person or if he loved me enough he would try. But in my head I know its not gonna happen and I am not a good candidate for a "victim" of abuse anymore - just yesterday I wanted to talk to him about his rejection to me about sex - explain that if he rejects EVERY time obviously I won't want to try anymore - anyways I worried for hours how to bring it up, I had butterflies, was so nervous to even bring it up - cause I just know the backlash that I will receive. Eventually I did bring it up, and he responded in his usual way - yelling, swearing, namecalling, etc. I just stood up - told him I am not tolerating his disrespect and left the house for a few hours.

This fighting has become a daily thing now, it has really got out of control - any little single thing causes him to blow up, I put too much sauce in the rice - he was angry, I beat him at Pinball - snarky ignorant comments, just petty ridiculous things. After thinking about it, I think I posted my original post almost hoping he was cheating, cause that way my choice to leave would be so easy if he was screwing around. 

I just don't know how to accept the fact that he will NEVER change and life will most likely just become worse, if I sit back, keep a happy smile on, agree to everything, have no opinions or thoughts or feelings or requests then life would just be wonderful in his eyes. Any opinions or requests and our house becomes a battleground. So sick of it


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## justcurious

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think you need a book like this to help you sort through exactly WHY you need to leave this marraige, personally I feel it is TOO BAD to stay, many deal breakers there.
> 
> Amazon.com: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (9780452275355): Mira Kirshenbaum: Books
> 
> Beings his own daughter refuses to even look upon his face, and your youngest is also HURTING seeing her mother treated like this, terribly disrespected, ignored, pushed aside, bossed around , walking on eggshells daily & punished with the Silent Treatment.
> 
> Her words to you was a "wake up call" -to your future. Do you value yourself enough to leave this EMOTIONAL Abuser? Obviously this man has no desire to change, he wants a puppet who has no desires, no wants, just to serve his selfish needs, he has no interest in a loving wife or pleasing another human being.
> 
> Do you love yourself enough to FIGHT for your own happiness? You will surely earn even MORE respect from your 2 daughters in the process- by leaving, showing them how to be "fighters" in life, To stand up for themselves, against bad unfair treatment in this world & with men. They will be there for you, you can do all things, if you set your mind to it.
> 
> NO, not all men are like this, Oh my No! Not that it is easy as we get older with kids to find a decent match, *but darn, you are at the bottom of the barrel now honey, most will be a step up ! * You will feel like you are walking on the clouds of Heaven, after this marraige , to get some simple "decent' interaction & affection from a man.


Thanks SimplyAmorous, I found some parts of that book online, the 35 questions, answering those definitely gave the results that I should leave. 

I think when a person in my situation is kind of cut off from what "normal" people would do or respond it makes the situation seem "okay" or that you slowly get used to the crappy treatment. I have no real close friends, my family all lives far away and I don't confide in anyone - most of the time it seems to embarrassing to talk about it - I did confide in my sister but she died not too long ago. The only person I really talk to is my oldest daughter - she understands fully what I am talking about because she has experienced all of it as well, but I don't like burdening her with this either - she wants me to leave him and I know she is frustrated that I don't - of course it is totally understandable why she wants me to leave. I just know what I should be doing, and I feel like a coward because I am not doing it. I am scared. I know it all sounds like excuses, maybe I am just getting closer to the door though - really opening my eyes.

The part that I bolded in your comment, I just laughed and laughed at - lol I am starting to believe I AM at the bottom of the barrel of men.


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## luckyman

Assessing whether or not your husband is cheating based upon his "getting it right" after all these years is a huge mistake. You owe it to your marriage to give him the benefit of the doubt until other signs of infidelity show themselves, don't you? It is entirely possible that he knew all along, but wasn't motivated to implement this into your lovemaking. 

If your husband was timid and shy in bed before, I can imagine how your reaction will really send him to his corner with his tail between his legs.


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## SquawNVJ

I think you guys are missing the point.

She did NOT yell.
She did NOT accuse.

She liked the move. She WAS asking him where he learned it in a NON-AGGRESSIVE / NON-ACCUSATORY tone. 

What she got was an angry, accusatory tone. I had my husband read this.

In his opinion- no he is not cheating. BUT he says this guy has some major issues.....one being sex....He says all guys have issues with sex, even the ones who say they don't. 

He also thinks that he has an issue with talking to women. (I would kick my dear husband's butt if he ever yelled at me in that manner! And yes he knows it!!)

I agree, I don't think he is cheating. But expressing a curiosity at where he got his new move may have set him off. Just say your sorry (even though you don't owe him an apology.) and explain that you were in no way accusing him of cheating...you were curious because if he has found a good site, maybe you could check it out to find some move that he might like. 

It might make it better...and might open the way for good communication. Hope this helps. :smthumbup:


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## SquawNVJ

"Thanks SimplyAmorous, I found some parts of that book online, the 35 questions, answering those definitely gave the results that I should leave. 

I think when a person in my situation is kind of cut off from what "normal" people would do or respond it makes the situation seem "okay" or that you slowly get used to the crappy treatment. I have no real close friends, my family all lives far away and I don't confide in anyone - most of the time it seems to embarrassing to talk about it - I did confide in my sister but she died not too long ago. The only person I really talk to is my oldest daughter - she understands fully what I am talking about because she has experienced all of it as well, but I don't like burdening her with this either - she wants me to leave him and I know she is frustrated that I don't - of course it is totally understandable why she wants me to leave. I just know what I should be doing, and I feel like a coward because I am not doing it. I am scared. I know it all sounds like excuses, maybe I am just getting closer to the door though - really opening my eyes.

The part that I bolded in your comment, I just laughed and laughed at - lol I am starting to believe I AM at the bottom of the barrel of men."

As an aside- this is NOT my first marriage. My first husband was passive aggressive (and a momma's boy!!!). I now know that this is not how ALL men act....I'm a vet and a mom three times over......


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## Goldmember357

investigate 

1) he overreacts

2) he claims you are accusing him of cheating when you NEVER DID

3) he is unable to talk about his feelings

4) your gut says something


there is definitely a chance he is.


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## missmolly

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I 1st read your opening post, I felt he TERRIBLY over reacted towards your comments. I felt you was getting jumped on with some of these replies, I personally didnt see anything wrong with your words towards him or even thought it sounded like accusing him of "cheating".
> 
> Women are curious creatures, this is nothing new under the sun, we often appreciate details, I would have asked too! You were even laughing, giddy about it , simply curious! He is a man, to be this OVERLY senstive is rediculous in my opionion, I guess this is passive aggressive behavior. I can't imagine being married to that.
> 
> His rejecting you the way he did , using the F word, after telling you he wants you to "come on to him". Utterly deplorabe. IF he does not wise up, YOU will be the one loosing attraction to him.
> 
> I am wanting to know if he ever apologizes to you for his rotten behavior?


:iagree: 
This is how I saw it. Now that you've added a lot more details it is an even more difficult situation for you than it first sounded. 
It sounds to me as though you are in a position of 'accept it as it is' or make the break and have a more peaceful life. 
You have a lot of years ahead of you and we only get one go at life.


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## Trying2figureitout

UM there's google....

Women your are nuts! Way to go OP...

Congrats for creating unnecessary drama in your marriage.

I did that for my wife too.. textbook perfect.

Now sexless hmmm.


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## relate

justcurious said:


> Okay I understand written text can never portray what my tone was when I talked to him, but he certainly did not get any third degree or 50 million questions. I was laughing when I asked him, and it was more like "wow where did you learn that!" I was excited and happy that he was taking some initiative. I was not angry, not accusatory.
> 
> I certainly did not condemn him


I don't think we're getting the full truth here. I found Your OP to be just that - 3 questions in a row. Aka 3rd degree. While I don't agree with his response, I also don't completely believe your version of events either. Sounds fishy. I'd like to hear his side of the story.

Personally I think you were suspicious and fishing for answers. Your tone suggests that was the case, and you were being mildly deceptive by attempting to couch your questions in a laughing tone and it backfired.


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## MrsOldNews

Who cares about the g-spot thing. Your husband is a real POS and if you want any REAL happiness in life, LEAVE HIM! No one in their right mind would put up with how he treats you. I feel worse for your daughter than I do you as she doesn't have a choice if she stays or not. Be a responsible parent and get your daughter out of that situation, you'll be glad you did.


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## 40isthenew20

Lately I've been trying to do new things with my wife because we were so vanilla that I wanted to give it a kick start. All good and my wife hasn't been inquisitive about where I get it from. She knows that I look at porn a lot and I even emailed her links to certain 'clean' websites describing different things that I have brought up and want to try (female ejaculation, prostate orgasm, new toys ). 

Maybe your H is merely making an attempt at spicing things up. Don't view it negatively.


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## LastUnicorn

Sounds like you were set up to me. That with his passive/active aggressive mode of operation he offered you something he knew you would like, and predictibly could take away and blame you for the loss of it at the first opportunity. I'll bet its not the first time he's done this either right? 

You say you worry that if you left him he would move on and get with someone else. That poor girl. And poor you, currently. Whatever you decide to do in the future, work harder at becoming more YOU. Right now you have devalued yourself so much that its OK to stay in a relationship where you are unsatisfied, unloved, disrespected, belittled and it sounds to me - even hated. You love this guy, why?! A better question still is why do you love yourself so little?


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## Emerald

I pray that someday you find the courage to leave your husband.

Please be very careful when you do. Leaving an abusive spouse can be very dangerous for you & the abuse can escalate to physical harm. Always have a family member, trusted friend or law enforcement by your side when you leave.

Good luck.


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## wiigirl

luckyman said:


> Assessing whether or not your husband is cheating based upon his "getting it right" after all these years is a huge mistake. You owe it to your marriage to give him the benefit of the doubt until other signs of infidelity show themselves, don't you? It is entirely possible that he knew all along, but wasn't motivated to implement this into your lovemaking.
> 
> If your husband was timid and shy in bed before, I can imagine how your reaction will really send him to his corner with his tail between his legs.


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012

I dont think your question is unreasonable. Based on my wifes history of not being particularly thrilled with bedroom action, if she suddenly did something out of the norm, i would certainly ask where the heck she got that from. This would not be to imply an affair necessarily, but somehow either something clicked or they have done some sort of research...but why now? why after XX years are you suddenly catching on or giving a care to change?


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## L.M.COYL

michzz said:


> Has it occurred to you that he might have thought he was doing the exact same moves he has been trying for years?


Man, this is exactly what I was thinking. It seems that there have been times when I was doing that right on (MOs) and others when she's like, "I'll do it!"

Do women have preferences based on their age because, I tell ya I feel like I have assimilated all the tips and techniques but it is still a mystery to me about what is appropriate each time. Ah, yes now I've got it figured: it's based on the weather.

:scratchhead:


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## Garry2012

I think you have to re-approach the topic, but not in a confrontational way. If he says Google, then great, "lets look at it together and learn more stuff". I would not be offended if i tried something new and wife asked me why.Id fess up to watching a movie and thought it looked fun.

But my wife would almost never learn THAT way, so if she did try something new...not sure how she would have got the info unless a friend told her...which she SHOULD be ok sharing.


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## L.M.COYL

After reading everything the OP has posted, man, I feel for you woman but you've got bigger problems than where he learned that clitoral stimulation gesture.

Take care of yourself for a change and talk to someone and if, after, you feel it's worth it and he makes a 180 effort, then perhaps MC. First thing's first: get some space between yourselves so you can think clearly.


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