# Deadbeat Dad: My STBX



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I am now in utter disbelief. Honestly, I have been in denial as to who I thought my STBX was as a person. Because I had previously been an abusive girlfriend whom he treated like a princess, & to me our marriage was mostly happy, I thought deep down he was a good person. I had never opened up to another human being like that. We were 2 peas in a pod, attached by the hip.

He last texted me on the 1st September. I reached out to him yesterday to ask again about child support & work. He agreed to pay me, though I am sure it was an empty promise as always. He asked what I've been up to & how our baby daughter was doing so I said "beautiful as always." He replied "aww I know she's the most beautiful thing ever." Never asked for photos or any specific questions about her. He hasn't seen her in more than 4 months (she turns 5 months tomorrow) with no apparent plans to do so as far as I know.

Today I stalked his instagram account (much less so now, but sometimes I can't resist the urge). Guess what? ALL THE PHOTOS of her that he uploaded are now GONE. He even left stupid pictures of his cigarette there & only photos of her have been deleted. 

I am hurt beyond anything for my daughter and feel so betrayed. As though somebody literally cut my heart out & poured acid on it. I wanted to believe he loved her. I wanted to believe he felt awful and was suppressing his guilt. I wanted to be able to tell her that "Daddy loves you but has issues & needs to fix himself. He was too young to be responsible but he loves you." I wanted to believe he may step up eventually. I now feel he doesn't care. He perhaps never did. He probably doesn't even like her. Maybe he thinks she is a nuisance & gets in the way of him hitting on girls.

I have been too busy to go to court to file an order but I will do so ASAP, might even have to bring her in a stroller. Why and how could someone do that? How should I react? Will this affect her growing up? I would be devastated if my dad never bothered about me and deleted my photos from his social media. Is it worth encouraging him to pursue a relationship with her in the future? I wanted so desperately to co-parent which I know is remotely impossible. I was even okay being the full time mum and have him pop in and out of her life to even just say he loves her & buys her gifts. Anything as long as she feels loved! Now I feel like he hates her. This isn't what I signed up for. What do I do,?? Help please!

I texted him again upon my discovery with "I plan enforce a court order to gather child support in the near future, in both Scotland & Singapore. Hopefully you don't need to pay for a lawyer." I just wanted to make him feel uneasy. He 100% has no money for that, his family never help him out. It's all so messed up. Sigh


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry that this truth hurts.

My strong suggestion is to ensure as she grows up, she knows strong, upstanding men. Many women who grow up without wholesome, positive "fatherly" influence have daddy issues later in life. When they grow up knowing upstanding men, it's far more likely they will seek the same in a future partner.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Louise McCann said:


> I am now in utter disbelief. Honestly, I have been in denial as to who I thought my STBX was as a person. Because I had previously been an abusive girlfriend whom he treated like a princess, & to me our marriage was mostly happy, I thought deep down he was a good person. I had never opened up to another human being like that. We were 2 peas in a pod, attached by the hip.
> 
> He last texted me on the 1st September. I reached out to him yesterday to ask again about child support & work. He agreed to pay me, though I am sure it was an empty promise as always. He asked what I've been up to & how our baby daughter was doing so I said "beautiful as always." He replied "aww I know she's the most beautiful thing ever." Never asked for photos or any specific questions about her. He hasn't seen her in more than 4 months (she turns 5 months tomorrow) with no apparent plans to do so as far as I know.
> 
> ...


It is better for her to grow up with a single mum who is well adjusted and not pining for a good for nothing father. What she does not know will not hurt her.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You need to be very careful how you address the fathers absence to your child as she grows, if you use the same statements and emotions when talking with her as you are using in this post she will grow up feeling abandoned and unworthy. You don't want that, as much as you want to disparage your stbx you will cause your daughter more damage than the ex.

It's not your job to make dad love her, don't even try, if he wants to drift away let him, better he is out of her life than being forced to play a role he doesn't want. You need to create a happy and secure home life for your daughter, you need to be her rock. As Satya said, make sure she has positive male role models in her life, make sure her life has the love and consistency necessary for her to grow into a confident adult.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> I am separated from my husband of only 10 months who left me 3 weeks post-partum. He now lives in another continent, which I will be relocating to for university.
> 
> We had an intense relationship pre-marriage, when it was good it was amazing & when it was bad it was really bad. I had picked fights for no reason, controlled him, & even physically abused him at times.
> 
> ...


You slapped him a few times, you belittled him. 
You berated him, called him dumb and lazy for dropping out of Uni.
You tried controlling him.
You drove him away.

You did a good job. He is gone, wants nothing to do with you.
He sounds like he wants to start all over, fresh and unemcumbered. No wife, no child.

Any new women that meets him will see him as single, with no past, no strings.

You got your wish....uh, no you didn't.

Let him go....and grow into a man!

You tried, you cannot control him.
Doing THAT...... controlling, broke his fragile spirit. 

Thus......he spirited away, from you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On the child support matter. Yes, he needs to pay his share.

Don't hold your breath till he does. Keep pursuing.......only that.

He fears you, methinks.

Just Sayin'


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> On the child support matter. Yes, he needs to pay his share.
> 
> Don't hold your breath till he does. Keep pursuing.......only that.
> 
> ...


Okay what does my past relationship with him have Anything to do with his responsibility as a dad? 

He surely wasn't fearful when I bumped into him, and he started putting down members of his family and telling me how miserable his life was. 

I struggle to understand how my being as a dysfunctional partner has a role to play in him being an absolute deadbeat. My STBX has pretty much shown that he has no love, rather an aversion to his own child. My innocent baby will have to deal with this as she grows up, and you try to find some humour in it?! Classy. Thank you for that.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Louise McCann said:


> I struggle to understand how my being as a dysfunctional partner has a role to play in him being an absolute deadbeat.


It's not you. He's a deadbeat because he's basically a child himself and nowhere near ready to raise a child.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

So it happened again I was unable to control my emotions and hold back my feelings.

I asked STBX "Do you ever feel guilty for running away from your responsibilities as her parent?" He said "Do YOU feel guilty for being controlling abusive etc?" (The answer is yes, I've been attending therapy, I have been posting on here for a while). He also started cussing at me. I told him I found out he deleted her photos and he told me he never had them on there (lies!). He started calling me disgusting and cussing again. So I told him he is a deadbeat who no woman will want once she finds out the truth. And that he is disgusting for having no love for his child.

He then sends me a voice message with a ton of "**** yous" & "I do love my child, you're disgusting, goodbye!" Then he blocks me. He pretty much sealed the deal, deleted her existence, and now any mode of contact with her (through me). I am hit with a wave of emotions. My daughter deserves better. I was doing much better with myself, I was smiling again, I was OK. I was at ease that STBX & I were civil, that he at least tried to make it seem as if he cared about her (from afar) so she could feel loved. But now this wow. I am taken back to a time where we could do no wrong, were inseparable, I truly truly thought I had met the most amazing man in the world. But hey some people here seem to think I caused this.

I think I need to let it all sink in again.. Reevaluate my life, my decisions. Gosh this stinks.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> Okay what does my past relationship with him have Anything to do with his responsibility as a dad?
> 
> He surely wasn't fearful when I bumped into him, and he started putting down members of his family and telling me how miserable his life was.
> 
> I struggle to understand how my being as a dysfunctional partner has a role to play in him being an absolute deadbeat. My STBX has pretty much shown that he has no love, rather an aversion to his own child. My innocent baby will have to deal with this as she grows up, and you try to find some humour in it?! Classy. Thank you for that.


Sorry.

I reckin', a nagging voice in the ill wind I be...chiding you.

Ah, yeah, more sassy, rarely classy. Classy words paint over the blemishes, the pain.
Paints, two layers deep, not letting the wounds 'air' out. They fester till a flicking poke loosens the scab.

You need more humor, less grudge.

I deliver, you flinch.

I want you to rearrange your face....from a snarl to a smile.

The pain cometh before the curative spark, that leads one to maturity.

Soften your heart. Let a man bump against a loving women. A women not stewing in her bitter juices. 

A women, one So Dear, not a Gargoyle, One to Fear.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Some men will always be great fathers. some will learn to be good father, and some won't.

My ex hasn't spoken to one DD in almost two years, the other DD he spoke to by happenstance 8 months ago. So my DD have learned their father doesn't really care about them. We rarely discuss him anymore and when we do, one of the DD initiates. I don't trash talk him, but say he has made his choices for reasons I do not understand. I have worked very hard to ensure that they never feel abandoned, or rejected in this world. And they are both doing extremely well. It is difficult at times, but they are worth it.

And a child support agreement/order only goes so far. If they don't pay, and are in another jurisdiction it is extremely difficult to collect. IN the US, you can garnish wages and income taxes, but only if they pay taxes and don't work under the table. Do what you can to go it alone with the least amount of pain.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry.
> 
> I reckin', a nagging voice in the ill wind I be...chiding you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that. Yes, I hope to smile again without having to fake it. Feels like I've gone backwards in my progression. 

I honestly think maybe I was still, deep down, in love with him. It felt nice that he had been reaching out to me even for pointless small talk, as there wasn't any hatred, we were both civil, I could wish him well on his journey & let him go graciously. I was very happily moving on. 

I couldn't hold back my devastation in him deleting her photos. For what purpose?! And now it's animosity, he called me names, cussed me up & down & even... Blocked me wow. I hate tension like this. I so badly wanted to see good in him and believe that he did love our child. Despite what everyone said. I thought he was just selfish/immature but still cared for his baby...

At 5 years old, my brother was born & I was sooo in love with him. At 5! I would never cut my brother out of my life, as much as he gets on my nerves sometimes. I would have told you the same thing at 16 years old. Yes my STBX is an immature deadbeat who himself is a child, but to delete photos of your own daughter...is simply cruel & inhumane. I just can't wrap my finger around it! 

Gonna find this all quite hard to recover from, at least for a while.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Pluto2 said:


> Some men will always be great fathers. some will learn to be good father, and some won't.
> 
> My ex hasn't spoken to one DD in almost two years, the other DD he spoke to by happenstance 8 months ago. So my DD have learned their father doesn't really care about them. We rarely discuss him anymore and when we do, one of the DD initiates. I don't trash talk him, but say he has made his choices for reasons I do not understand. I have worked very hard to ensure that they never feel abandoned, or rejected in this world. And they are both doing extremely well. It is difficult at times, but they are worth it.
> 
> And a child support agreement/order only goes so far. If they don't pay, and are in another jurisdiction it is extremely difficult to collect. IN the US, you can garnish wages and income taxes, but only if they pay taxes and don't work under the table. Do what you can to go it alone with the least amount of pain.


Thank you for sharing your story & I am very sorry for that. May I ask how old your DDs were? How did you feel that your ex could be so unfeeling towards them & do you have any advice on how to move past it? 

I feel more hurt now that he skipped out on his daughter than the downfall our marriage. I did not enforce child support legally for 4 months to give him a chance to step up himself. I would ask him repeatedly and he gave me many empty promises. I've accepted that the "marriage" was well over ages ago, despite the abandonment, I did not want to make his life difficult. I truly respected him as someone who at one point was the most important person in my life. It is sad he has absolutely no respect for me, even as the mother of his child. I did still want to see good in him, I still cared for him dearly. I don't have a choice now, I feel compelled to hate him in order to move on. He was never the great guy I thought he was...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You sure are good at abusive name calling. This whole post sickens me. An abusive woman is not a good mother.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> You sure are good at abusive name calling. This whole post sickens me. An abusive woman is not a good mother.


A woman who pours her feelings out, asks for advice & insight from others on her behaviour & how to self-improve. If you read between the lines, I still care for my ex deeply despite him being a deadbeat. Am I not allowed to call a spade a spade due to frustration? I have not cussed at him since he left, even when I had felt intense anger. I now attend 1.5 hour therapy sessions WEEKLY. That while taking care of my infant daughter and studying for university.

VS you, a stranger - who has no idea who I am, with the knowledge that I am going through a very difficult time yet attempting to do right - who thinks it is appropriate to put me down as a mother. You sound like an abusive person yourself who lacks empathy. Please look within yourself before attempting to bash others


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Then again, I don't expect you to. Apart from mummy-shaming, judging from your previous posts, you think body-shaming is okay. Please, just...No


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you for sharing your story & I am very sorry for that. May I ask how old your DDs were? How did you feel that your ex could be so unfeeling towards them & do you have any advice on how to move past it?
> 
> I feel more hurt now that he skipped out on his daughter than the downfall our marriage. I did not enforce child support legally for 4 months to give him a chance to step up himself. I would ask him repeatedly and he gave me many empty promises. I've accepted that the "marriage" was well over ages ago, despite the abandonment, I did not want to make his life difficult. I truly respected him as someone who at one point was the most important person in my life. It is sad he has absolutely no respect for me, even as the mother of his child. I did still want to see good in him, I still cared for him dearly. I don't have a choice now, I feel compelled to hate him in order to move on. He was never the great guy I thought he was...


My DD were 10 and 14 when he left. They are 16 and 20 now. 20 yr old is honor student in college, 16 is honor student in hs. I gave my ex 6 months after he left before I would enforce CS, to give him a chance to get his feet on the ground. Mistake on my part, but like you, I wanted to give him a chance and show him I wasn't trying to be vindictive. It didn't matter. He blamed me for ______ (just fill n the blank- it includes blame for a speeding ticket he got going to a new GF's house. Who thinks that way?). He's about $12,000 in arrears now. I will never get it.

When he left I told him that he can be whatever kind of father he likes. I would not stop him, and I would not malign him. I never broke those promises. He chose not to stay involved, not to visit. He ignored birthdays, graduations, and holidays. Our younger DD was attacked by a rottweiler. I called to let him know. Crickets. He changed his number, then complained to a family member that his children never call. Yes, he has mastered victim-hood and it must feel lonely.

So I make a point of asking about the kids' friends (who are always welcome in our home), classes (education will set you free) and their interests (I've learned all about K-POP music). You make a point of validating their feelings, and steering them down a path of empathy for others. Say it enough and it sinks in. We aren't rich, but we have a home and a car that runs (mostly), and you emphasize the positive at every turn. They know I will never abandon them and that I value the people they are.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Louise McCann said:


> So it happened again I was unable to control my emotions and hold back my feelings.
> 
> I asked STBX "Do you ever feel guilty for running away from your responsibilities as her parent?" He said "Do YOU feel guilty for being controlling abusive etc?" (The answer is yes, I've been attending therapy, I have been posting on here for a while). He also started cussing at me. I told him I found out he deleted her photos and he told me he never had them on there (lies!). He started calling me disgusting and cussing again. So I told him he is a deadbeat who no woman will want once she finds out the truth. And that he is disgusting for having no love for his child.
> 
> ...


In time you will realize him being out of your child's life is better. Trying to make a deadbeat be a good parent just doesn't work. 

Don't engage him anymore as hard as it is you must control the feelings and emotions. He's not going to have a sudden awakening and become responible. Talking to him right now only fuels the drama and hurts you. We all have had days where we take steps backwards.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, not everyone wants to be a parent once the child is born and life becomes real. He absolutely should be paying child support -- obviously -- but nothing will force him to be a good father. Perhaps he will be interested when she's older. Perhaps not. Time will tell. In the meantime, keep pursuing him for child support and let the rest drop.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Pluto2 said:


> My DD were 10 and 14 when he left. They are 16 and 20 now. 20 yr old is honor student in college, 16 is honor student in hs. I gave my ex 6 months after he left before I would enforce CS, to give him a chance to get his feet on the ground. Mistake on my part, but like you, I wanted to give him a chance and show him I wasn't trying to be vindictive. It didn't matter. He blamed me for ______ (just fill n the blank- it includes blame for a speeding ticket he got going to a new GF's house. Who thinks that way?). He's about $12,000 in arrears now. I will never get it.
> 
> When he left I told him that he can be whatever kind of father he likes. I would not stop him, and I would not malign him. I never broke those promises. He chose not to stay involved, not to visit. He ignored birthdays, graduations, and holidays. Our younger DD was attacked by a rottweiler. I called to let him know. Crickets. He changed his number, then complained to a family member that his children never call. Yes, he has mastered victim-hood and it must feel lonely.
> 
> So I make a point of asking about the kids' friends (who are always welcome in our home), classes (education will set you free) and their interests (I've learned all about K-POP music). You make a point of validating their feelings, and steering them down a path of empathy for others. Say it enough and it sinks in. We aren't rich, but we have a home and a car that runs (mostly), and you emphasize the positive at every turn. They know I will never abandon them and that I value the people they are.


Wow great on you, you must be really proud of your DDs! Being an honour student is no easy feat, especially with all the quirks of being a teenager. I am sure they have had an amazing and resilient mother to look up to. You handled your ex so graciously. I have had so many setbacks due to the whirlwind of emotions I am always going through, & being unable to control them.

Did you ever introduce a new partner to your children or do they have a father figure? I am told having a father figure is important yet I have heard of kids turning out great even without one. I just want the best for my daughter at the end of the day.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

honcho said:


> In time you will realize him being out of your child's life is better. Trying to make a deadbeat be a good parent just doesn't work.
> 
> Don't engage him anymore as hard as it is you must control the feelings and emotions. He's not going to have a sudden awakening and become responible. Talking to him right now only fuels the drama and hurts you. We all have had days where we take steps backwards.


You're right, I will not. I told him I will no longer do so and he is free to ask about her if he wishes and can do so via whatsapp. He has blocked me however after sending that voice message yelling at me with a dozen **** Yous. He has called me names before during arguments and said mean things, but never like this. I have never heard such anger in his voice. I feel so hurt but I know the pain will go away. Thank you


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

He doesn't sound like a deadbeat.

He sounds like someone who is trying to move past being abused by an ex partner. Unfortunately a child is involved but until he deals with the issues caused by you, he is best to let the child be.

TBH if my husbands ex had treated him that way, we would be ensuring the child was in our custody... but my husband is strong like that and a lot are not.


ETA: he should be paying child support but it sounds like you don't have anything formal in place. So go do so.

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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

So you're all upset because you think he deleted some pictures and he says he will provide child support, but you don't believe him. Weaksauce. Come back on TAM when you have something serious to ask for guidance about.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> So you're all upset because you think he deleted some pictures and he says he will provide child support, but you don't believe him. Weaksauce. Come back on TAM when you have something serious to ask for guidance about.


Sure, something serious like erections you reckon? What a hypocrite. How old are you again? 

Oh but when a child is involved, whose father hasn't seen her since she was 3 weeks old nor made any effort to support or even ask about her, that **** shouldn't be addressed. Excuse me are you the administration here? Oh wow if he isn't a deadbeat what would you call him? So he is too fearful due to this said abuse to ask about his child, but for some reason isn't scared enough to talk **** about his family, ask me what I am up to, tell me he misses me, ask me about alcohol & clubbing, tell me where he works or stays? Come on! 

My abuse was primarily before marriage, & he never expressed any discontent prior to leaving. My "abuse" occured the day he left when he was close to dropping out of school (pre-college that my father paid for in full), chose to lock himself in the room for a porn marathon right before, while I stayed up the whole night taking care of my newborn whilst also still recovering. I lost my temper and called him names. I do not remember the last time I laid a finger on him. But yea that totally gives him the excuse to leave out the country without notice & never contribute to his daughter at all since, constantly lying about me & my family who btw have been amazing to him. 

At least I have a whole life ahead to start over and work on improving myself. You are a middle-aged man who quite frankly sounds like an *******


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

LaReine said:


> He doesn't sound like a deadbeat.
> 
> He sounds like someone who is trying to move past being abused by an ex partner. Unfortunately a child is involved but until he deals with the issues caused by you, he is best to let the child be.
> 
> ...


Pretty sure have been abandoned by my spouse - whom I had financially supported since day 1, organised everything from the get go, funded his pot addiction, lied to constantly, verbally abused since his departure - has left some lasting effects and psychological trauma for me to deal with. Are you suggesting I can now forgo my duties as a mother and never see my child again, to go work on them? Mum of the year award goes to you


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Louise McCann said:


> Pretty sure have been abandoned by my spouse - whom I had financially supported since day 1, organised everything from the get go, funded his pot addiction, lied to constantly, verbally abused since his departure - has left some lasting effects and psychological trauma for me to deal with. Are you suggesting I can now forgo my duties as a mother and never see my child again, to go work on them? Mum of the year award goes to you




No I wasn't saying that.

Given the way you are attacking people for their opinion here, I can see you haven't changed and are an abuser.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

LaReine said:


> No I wasn't saying that.
> 
> Given the way you are attacking people for their opinion here, I can see you haven't changed and are an abuser.
> 
> ...


That is a bold claim, so you can be condescending to an obviously distressed single mother yet I am not allowed to clap back? You implied that my STBX gets a free pass to forgo his parental duties but I am an abuser for sticking up for myself and calling you mum of the year? How convenient. 

You are an abuser too btw, and not a very insightful one at that. I'm not the one here who dismissed the hurt & pain of another person whilst condoning child abandonment. 

I could sneeze loudly & there would still be someone out there crying abuse. THAT is a big claim to make, I am entitled to defending myself against an unempathetic internet stranger whom I have no respect for.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Louise McCann said:


> Sure, something serious like erections you reckon? What a hypocrite. How old are you again?
> 
> Oh but when a child is involved, whose father hasn't seen her since she was 3 weeks old nor made any effort to support or even ask about her, that **** shouldn't be addressed. Excuse me are you the administration here? Oh wow if he isn't a deadbeat what would you call him? So he is too fearful due to this said abuse to ask about his child, but for some reason isn't scared enough to talk **** about his family, ask me what I am up to, tell me he misses me, ask me about alcohol & clubbing, tell me where he works or stays? Come on!
> 
> ...


Erections are serious business. If it wasn't for them, you wouldn't have a daughter . 

And perhaps he is trying to process how to avoid abuse from you and still be involved in the daughter's life. Or maybe he is exactly like you describe: an uncaring, immature jerk who needs to grow up. You've got about 3-4 yrs before you two really have to figure it out, because that is the age most adults first have memories of childhood. Good luck.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Louise McCann said:


> That is a bold claim, so you can be condescending to an obviously distressed single mother yet I am not allowed to clap back? You implied that my STBX gets a free pass to forgo his parental duties but I am an abuser for sticking up for myself and calling you mum of the year? How convenient.
> 
> You are an abuser too btw, and not a very insightful one at that. I'm not the one here who dismissed the hurt & pain of another person whilst condoning child abandonment.
> 
> I could sneeze loudly & there would still be someone out there crying abuse. THAT is a big claim to make, I am entitled to defending myself against an unempathetic internet stranger whom I have no respect for.




Oh ffs grow up. Never once did I say that he should give up being a parent. I said that he is likely dealing with the past and that the child is better off without HIM (not you) during that. I also said he should be paying child support and that you need to go get something formal in place in relation to that.

I didn't call you an abuser based on you being defensive. I am basing that on the fact that you abused him! There is "clapping back" and there is attacking and YOU are attacking.

You have no idea about my situation so snarkily saying I'm mum of the year was uncalled for. Just because I think a child shouldn't be dragged into this. I was the child who had an abused parent and I wish they had left the other be to sort out issues instead of ensuring I got time with them. Time that was detrimental to me.

I am not an abuser. I have not name-called or hit you. Good luck with your situation.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Sorry if you felt personally attacked then, I was being defensive as I felt your comment was uncalled for - saying he isn't a deadbeat but merely had issues to attend to due to my abuse. I saw that as you implying that his complete absence from my daughter's life was my fault and he is allowed to do so. 

Tired of TAM at the moment. Personally I wouldn't be passive aggressive to those telling their story detailing their struggles, what more put the blame on them. I am simply hurt by so many condescending comments I have seen, some of which directly telling me than I am not fit to be a mother. Then again half the people here are trouble themselves so I shouldn't have expected more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that your husband is a deadbeat. He left the country so spends no time with his daughter. He not making any effort from afar to have a relationship with her. And he is not providing any child support.

You said that you supported him when you two were together. Does he even have any income that had can use to pay child support? It sounds like you hooked up with a guy who cannot even take care of himself and now you expect him to be what he is not.

But I also think that you are in the wrong. You admit to being verbally and physically abusive of him in the relationship. You were abusive when you spoke to him recently. And yes he verbally fought back. I can understand why he blocked you. If my ex spoke to me that way, I'd block him too. Actually I did, I got a court order that ordered him to only communicate with me via email and snail mail. And I kept every contact he made. They were angry and ugly emails/letters. I ended up using them in court to show that he was continuing his abuse even via email/letters.

You have every right to be upset that he has walked out of his daughter's life for now. But your attitude, angry & explosive way of handing this is blowing up in your face.

You can attack those here giving you an honest reaction all you want. It does not matter because it does not affect your life in any way. We are just strangers on the internet. But we can see what this same anger you have is doing to you and your daughter. You need a lot more counseling and to learn to stop and angry outbursts. 

Since you were verbally and physically abusive of your husband, you have more than 50% responsibility for him wanting to stay as far away from you as possible. It does not matter if the abuse was some time ago, it was abuse and there is no excuse for it. 

Maybe it would help you to show this thread to your counselor because someone needs to help you learn to stop your angry attitude.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I think that your husband is a deadbeat. He left the country so spends no time with his daughter. He not making any effort from afar to have a relationship with her. And he is not providing any child support.
> 
> You said that you supported him when you two were together. Does he even have any income that had can use to pay child support? It sounds like you hooked up with a guy who cannot even take care of himself and now you expect him to be what he is not.
> 
> ...


I appreciate you rather neutral stance on my situation and your lengthy input, without coming off as condescending so thank you.  However there are some points that I could refute.

Actually when I contacted him I had initially made light conversation on what he had been up to recently etc. I had sent him photos of our daughter and he did not respond to them at all. Soon after I found out he had deleted photos he once posted of her and it cut me deep. So I asked him if he felt guilty about skipping out, I was genuinely curious. That was when he blame shifted and started cussing me up and down. There were many F*ck you's, while I kept my cool. I did call him a deatbeat afterwards and and also disgusting which he called me. I have shown him nothing but respect since he left but TAM seems to think differently because I chose to share all my feelings which fluctuate. Nobody seems to mind when a BS calls their ex a lying cheating scum but when I talk badly of mine, I am called an abuser. Okay.

I know for a fact he has a job right now and is smoking cigarettes daily when he had cut down & almost quit this year. He has a car too and is living with his dad so he does not need to pay rent. I wouldn't mind if he even paid 20 or 50 a month, as long as there was SOME contribution to show initiative. 

Oh yes I agree, I definitely still have unsolved issues and that would take time. I believe a lot of it stems from my childhood abuse. Or maybe I am just a messed up person and should just be institutionalised. However, I think it would be unfair for others to call my behaviour on TAM abusive. I have not yelled at anyone since, I am usually polite and often bite my tongue which is why I felt the need to vent in forums to blow off some steam.

As of the opinions here, honesty is not exactly the best policy when there have been snide remarks belittling my ability as a mother. I would like to see how many people can stay calm at all times having to manage raising an infant myself, breastfeeding, lack of sleep, heartbreak, my grandmother recently passing and exams. It can eat away at your soul at times. So when others tell me I am not doing a good job and feel the need to be rude, I WILL be defensive. It is easy to point the finger at me and call me out but unless I have personally attacked someone first myself without provocation, I wouldn't regard that as abuse. 

Imagine a TAM's parent passed away and expressed regret at having been a bad child. Instead of offering my moral support, I poke at their obvious guilt and hurt and say "yeah deal with it, you were horrible and maybe this grief will teach you a lesson." Well that is almost how I feel albeit to a lesser extent. 

I don't feel the need to bring the threads here up to my therapist. I haven't name called anyone or tried to intentionally hurt them, just simply annoyed that some people here are unempathetic and rude. Perhaps I would have been better off not pouring my heart into TAM, and instead covering up my abusive past. I am quite an honest person by nature and I wanted to make it known that I was in the wrong so that someone out there might offer me some kind words to help to lift the pain of guilt that I experience constantly. Maybe if I had lied and said that I was a victim of infidelity and abuse, I would have received greater support.

Anyways today is my STBX's birthday. It stings a little. I sent an email expressing my hope that someday we could cooperate as parents and for him to be involved in her life. That our chapter as a married couple has closed but we need to focus on our daughter and that he can reach out to me if he wants to ask about her. He replied calling me abusive etc and how dare I had the nerve to ask if he felt any guilt, how horrible I am and that I am the reason he had to leave her. Again I simply told him I hope he finds happiness and can contact me if he wishes. Today I wished him happy birthday. Not expecting any reply, I did want him to know that I do wish him well. Even if he doesn't. I still care for him and at least I know I have shown him respect and can now begin to live a more positive fulfilling life, for both me & my daughter's sake...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It seems like you own what you did, you admit that you were abusive and that is what drove him away. But, there's a kid between you both, and what I would do if I were you, is proceed with a legal process that requires him to pay the appropriate child support. Beyond that, I wouldn't text him anymore, he's not interested. I'd try very hard to stop looking at his Instagram and any other social media. You will heal from this, but you have to let him go and focus on your own healing and your child. The legal process for support will take care of itself, that part isn't up to him. But, lessen some of the drama on yourself, and just let him go.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If you want a more civil relationship with him for your daughter, how about only interacting with him in a civil manner regardless of what he says/does? You can't control him and make him involved with her, but you have to understand that the way you treat someone does to some extent influence how they treat you back. I don't know if he is a deadbeat, just trying to avoid you, or a combination of both. Regardless, you can take some unilateral steps to bridge the gap you have so that it's easier for him to come back into his daughter's life, if that is what you both wish. The more emotional and angry you are the harder it will be for him to interact with your daughter, which at this point requires going through you as an intermediary. You are obviously very emotional about the situation, but controlling that emotion and treating him civilly like a respected business partner is usually the goal that people advocate for after a divorce/breakup with a child involved.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I know you.

You are one that loves deeply.
One that needs to vent.

Your man needs to listen. 
Not to the screech but to the pain.

Your man needs to still you.
Squeeze you so tight.
Smile and kiss, not your lips first, Nay!
Kiss your forehead, then your cheeks.

And when you are calm and smiling.
He needs to kiss your lips HARD, his eyes wide open.

You should never be dominant when your body, your heart be held.
It is not by force that you should be stilled.
It is by force of will.

I know you.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> The legal process for support will take care of itself, that part isn't up to him. But, lessen some of the drama on yourself, and just let him go.


I have yet to engage in an attorney and may need to ask my parents for financial help (I am dead broke and unemployed ) for that. Also, my marriage is registered here (South East Asia) and not in the UK where he lives. I don't have high hopes that child support will be enforced overseas but time will tell. I will have a talk with my parents when they are back from their trip, thanks a lot 



Bananapeel said:


> If you want a more civil relationship with him for your daughter, how about only interacting with him in a civil manner regardless of what he says/does?


Yeah I should be trying to be civil and emotionally detached. Funny I believed I was doing pretty well a few weeks ago. He was very polite and I was just that - civil business partner. He kept trying to contact me and pressing for personal details on my life and just small talk. He would tell me how proud he was of me and happy for me he was. He would tell me what he was up to and use a ton of emojis. Then our child's photos being deleted really shook me & I forgot my boundaries. I let my emotions get the better of me, as always. Time to learn my lesson and take back control again.



SunCMars said:


> I know you.


Touche. Lol literature major by any chance? I don't know what you did there but I cried  maybe I have BPD or some serious codependency issues. I just love him soso much. But I messed up and maybe he wasn't who I thought he was either. Such is life

I think now I do have a lot to discuss with my therapist


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