# How can I turn around my shy husband?



## titanium (Aug 4, 2010)

Ok this is my first post I came looking for advise after getting a bit harsh at hubby last night. A bit of background, we met as I was about to leave town so had a few good nights then I left. He came to visit me a few months later and I got pregnant. Halfway through pegnancy he moved to me. We never had any dating time straight to family life. We had 3 children in yearly succession and got married on the fourth year. He is quiet and shy and slow moving. I am erratic, loud and dominant. I was always the sexuall initiator untill after child 3. Mostly now I cant be bothered. I feel like he needs to much mollycoddling to be worth it ( in bed). I want him to "man up" a bit. Take the lead. He talk of getting nervous to say something or start something. I've tried being all its ok baby blah blah nice nice doesnt seem to do much. Ive tried saying Ok we will play that you are my master and I will do anything you say to me tonight just say it, I will do it But he said he was too shy to play that game. I have started back at work at nights and he spends the whole time I am gone after the kids go to bed watching hard porn and acting realy sneaky. Now I have no problem with porn I wish he would porn talk to me or say lets watch this I found. I will do practicly anything sexually he knows that. I just dont get why its all so scarey. I asked him last night why he's hiding porn when he knows Im not anti it and he says the predictable Im shy I dont know what to say. Basically I told him to harden the **** up and act like a man. Just get over yourself and deal with it.He just went quiet and to bed. I feel bad now but far out we all have to do stuff outside our comfort zones, thats life. i dont want to baby him, but I dont want to make him feel crap. I love him but I need some oomph. Any advise?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Titanium: 

I do understand where you are coming from. My husband would also not be verbally "able" to play the game you suggested -Master & me be slave, he is simply too quiet for something like that. My husband so fits the "He's so Shy" song of the 80's. YouTube - ‪he's so shy - pointer sisters‬‎ 

I will admit, it is rather easy to RUN over over men like this with a Mack truck verbally. I have done it myself and he lets me get away with it. Not sure how your husband is, mine is very very forgiving, he never brings it back up, but at the same time, when I do this, i KNOW it plays on his heart & hurts him terrribly. I do feel I push him further into him feeling he is "inadequate" but like yourself, being real sweet & encouraging, accomdating also has not changed him to "man up" or show real Dominance in the bedroom.

There are plenty of books for men out there -to help them overcome some of this. But they have to have the will & dertermination to try. My husband is not the reader type and I am not going to read the darn book to him. Example : Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books 

ONe thing encouraging I will say is : I do believe Shy/quiet beta male men do well with the more dominate women to keep their life a little more exciting, we add the OOMPH to it. So If you love him, hold on to him no matter what. 

The porn thing, I don't know, if you can just get him to be willing to watch it together, show enthusiam that you want this. It might open some new doors of excitement into your relationship, suggesting things he can try as you watch. 

I look forward to hearing more replies to your post.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

You need to look at your whole life together, not just the sex issue.

Do you have fun together? Do you go on dates together? You sound like you fasttracked straight to the kidszone, which is where many marriages flounder sexually. 

TBH I think you sound pretty brattish, stamping your feet to get what you want. I think what you said to him DID go too far, was hurtful and mean. And all that to someone you say you love? Wouldn't want to be someone you have an issue with. There are ways to be assertive without crushing the other person. I am the less dominant partner in our relationship and if I were hit with that kind of comment then it'd take me a long time to trust enough to want to be intimate. Maybe he's doing the porn because sex with you is too much hard work in his eyes?

Try more sugar, less vinegar. Learn his Love language. Meet his needs.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Some guys just aren't the outgoing, loud, dominant types. That goes for out in public as well as between the sheets.

And they aren't going to change. I think the best you can hope for is a decent sexual life where you both get pleasure and you will have to start slow. Don't go from vanilla to kink in one night. Add it gradually. I think he will get there but it will take a little time.


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## titanium (Aug 4, 2010)

Thanks for the responses guys. Thank SA I felt that you understood the place I was coming from, I will have a look for that book. I am definately trying to temper myself verbally. Willow yes it was brattish of me and I felt bad hence looking for ideas online. That tiff was a culmination of allot of stuff. I work my arse off everyday I am at home with a 2 year old 3year old and 4 year old, I do all the house work, I am landscaping our block to bring up the value of our house, I grow our veggi's, try to keep fit, we are renovating and I do all the stuff I know how to do to save time for hubby to get on with harder stuff I have no experience with, I have started working three nights a week. I feel like I am carrying most of the load. I know he is the breadwinner, and he does try, he just moves so slowly. Honestly I did feel a bit footstampy I want him to take charge sometimes. My life is exhausting. I don't nag because I don't see why I should ask another adult over and over to do something thats their responsibilityto do. I do my best to do what needs to be done to get to the goal I expect other adults across the board to do the same. We talk about our goal destinations(in our life) all the time and we are on the same page there. We just apply different amounts of effort to our approaches . You are right that is what I find frustrating. Sex is just anouther area that if I dont take it into my own hands( so to speak) nothing gets done. I can understand him not being bothererd to finnish the plumming or whatever, but if anything seems like its in the mans domain its sex. It probrably does seem like an effort to him its oviously outside his comfort zone and stuff that uncomfotable for him he shuts down. In saying that though you cant expect results in anything in life thast you have put no effort into. We do have fun together alot of what we do is summertime stuff with the family so its been a little quiet through winter. Dates jeeze that would be nice, I use up all my childcare time on working so we rarely get to go out on our own, we have no near family our kids are so young and close it seems unfair to dump them all on someone else. We are though planning a 2 day honeymoon for September, which is exciting. I have only been on this site a few days but I keep reading this love language thing I will have to google it i've never come accross it before. Chris you made me laugh with you comment, the vanilla to kink bit not the general sentiment, thanks. I think the best thing I have gleened so far if from the what men need thread and I think that I have been under respecting my husband, so I will be making a big effort to make him feel more respected. That is why i came here sometimes it is hard to see things you should know till someone else says it. Cheers.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Your honeymoon break sounds great, its so hard to get time together when your kids are small.

The Love languages is fascinating stuff, there's an online diagnosis test you can do to work out what yours is. I just bought the book and its really interesting. The other book you'll see mentioned here alot is 'His Needs Her Needs' it was recommended to me and it is brilliant. I also bought Dr Laura's 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' and I think that would also be worth you reading. LOL you'll arrive on your honeymoon with a stack of books and your H will be 'What?'!!!! 

I wonder whether you have any way to try and tackle your exhaustion. I know life with little kids is exhausting, and I can see that you do everything at home (me too) and there are days I remember when I could have just sat down and cried with tiredness and frustration. It does ease alot as they get older, they still need you but there's less physicality in what they need. Is there any way you can build some 'me' time into your schedule? I think if you could find a way to recharge your batteries your stress levels would be better. Even if you can only do it once a month, try and use your childcare for you. 

I'm not sure I agree that sex is a 'man' domain. I think responsibility sits with both parties and as you go through different times in your marriage there will always be one who takes the lead more than the other. At the moment its me that initiates alot and it took me a while to get comfortable with that and work out that me making all the first moves was a big turn on for my H rather than me having to push him into it. Now that I initiate without hesitation I've lost the 'does he want to or not' I am much more assertive when we have sex and again that seems to be a big turn on for H. Maybe for a while focus on what turns you on and go for it and take him along for the ride... I'm sure you'll get some good responses.

BTW I think it is great that you achieve so much and I am sure your H recognises what a great wife he has.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is a Thread I started all about the Love Languages , an online test, etc. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

I can truly understand what you are looking for in bed, I have started posts about this issue - go here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html

It sounds as though it is a little more than that in your situation though, like he is not carrying OTHER tasks around the house, maybe a little "Acts of Service" suffering on top of always needing to initiate the sex. I can see this would get old after a while. When you mention your husband is "slow moving", I bet he has a "Phlegmatic" temperment. You can 
read about this temperment here: Phlegmatic Temperament | Above and Beyond Counseling Academy

I know my husband is this temperment, pretty much through & through. Luckily for us, he is not too slow moving about getting things done around the house, but it is true, I sometimes have to get the ball rolling, but once he starts a project, he finishes and finishes well. Every temperment has strengths & weaknesses, we just have to fine tune them a bit. 

Someday, you won't regret taking the time to have these date nights, go out on your Anniversary, make it a priority to do these things. We once had 5 kids & 4 of them were under the age of 6, so I know what you mean about - chaos, stress. I allowed all of this to affect our relationship intimacy. I only WISH I could get those wonderful years back & take that time to be alone with my husband, to nurish what was there but easily pushed aside -for the kids's sake. Learn from me, Take the time, spend the $$ for a good sitter if you have too.  

If you are very different from your husband in temperment , this is also a benefit. Sounds like you are. I know I am a Choleric / Melencholy and my husband is a Phlelegmatic. His weakness are my strengths and my weaknesss are his strenghts so it works well. 

BUt in Love Languages, it is an Asset to share the same.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Someday, you won't regret taking the time to have these date nights, go out on your Anniversary, make it a priority to do these things. We once had 5 kids & 4 of them were under the age of 6, so I know what you mean about - chaos, stress. I allowed all of this to affect our relationship intimacy. I only WISH I could get those wonderful years back & take that time to be alone with my husband, to nurish what was there but easily pushed aside -for the kids's sake. Learn from me, Take the time, spend the $$ for a good sitter if you have too.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> I agree 100%. If I had been given and followed this advice I would not have almost lost my marriage or be in the situation now where I am trying to salvage it from the rocks. Look on it as an investment for your family's future.


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## titanium (Aug 4, 2010)

Thanks ladies. I think he is definately phlegmatic. He does jobs very precisely and has to stop every 5 mins to contemplate the situation and ho hum back to it ooops I forgot my hammer, think again, wheres my pencil. LOL by this time my brain is nearly exploding. When Im in full flow I have a bazzillion things on the go, the house is deafening with the buzz of my activity. We match pretty well though. We both feel like we were meant to be. We got together by accident and stay together by choice. I shake him up and he calms me down. Or as I like to say to him he is the brakes and I am the steering. It takes both of us to get our family car round the bend. (and I'm pretty sure thats where we are heading hehe). You are right about me time Willow. For the past year nearly, I have been going to the gym in the morning classes and they do dallar a child childcare. That has saved me. A little break and I have made some realy good new freinds. Before that I was pretty misserable I had three kids under three, Hubby was working 6 days long hours, family at a distance, and only a handfull of freinds. I was a chef before kids so most of the people my old lifestyle was didnt transfer to young family. It was such a challenge to even go the the shops alone. I am so thankfull for that change that has made a huge difference to my life. I go nearly every morning for an hour. Now the kids are a little bigger we look forward to be able to do a bit more together, its a big thing to drop 3 young kids in someones lap. For the person that takes them and me.Ther was an incident with my daughter that has taken me up to recently to trust leaving her behind again. Thanks for the advise. I did the love langusge test, it will be interesting to get h to do his.


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