# Super Private Spouse. Would this bother you?



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

My H is a very private person. He always has been. One of my biggest frustrations in our relationship is that I can't have what I consider a relaxed, intimate conversation with him.

He will not tell me when he lost his virginity or any of his sexual history. Something about that came up the other day and I asked him again and he just says "That's private. I think some things are no one else's business."

I said "But I'm your wife."

That got me nowhere.

Not knowing is not what bothers me as much as the fact that he doesn't want to tell me. Is that possibly just a girl/guy thing where the woman wants to have these intimate talks and the guy just does not? I know men don't talk about personal things as much as women in general but I never felt this frustration in past relationships that I just could not broach certain subjects. 

He had relationships prior to me, but I don't think very many. I think part of his reluctance is that he thinks it's wrong to talk about a woman you had sex with, or, I guess it's possible I am his first, though I want to say not probable.

I had a couple long term boyfriends and was married once before him. 

He also doesn't want to hear about my past. He is very buttoned down - for example he will drink occasionally but has never tried pot or any other drugs. I dabbled quite a bit when I was a teen. I understand a man not wanting to hear about his wife sleeping with other men, but I can't tell ANY story from my teens or wilder days without him seeming extremely judgmental and disapproving. 

And if I want to say something that happened in my first marriage or with any person I dated before him, he's gotten to where he will tolerate it but he clearly doesn't like it, so I generally try to avoid it.

I can go weeks without thinking about this, but when it comes up, I feel frustrated and disappointed, like there is this place of intimacy - knowing each other - that we will never get to. He says he loves me so much, but why doesn't he want to know about things that shaped me? It really feels like he's emotionally handicapped to me, but also like there kind of a control thing in it, like "I know you want this from me and I'm not going to give it." But maybe he just can't.

We are supposed to do the Marriage Builders program (in case any of you are familiar with it). After much persistence from me, he finally said something like "I will do this thing with you but I hope you don't think I'm going to start telling you things about myself." 

I now know this was delusional, but when we were dating I really thought "one he relaxes and trusts me he will open up." but that never happened. He says he's told me more than anyone ever but things like this virginity thing leave me feeling frustrated.

Any thoughts?


----------



## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

I think he's weird.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I think that not knowing much about my spouse would bother me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not everyone is comfortable, even with a spouse, discussing their sexual history. Some day he might change but don't count on it.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What do you have in common?


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> My H is a very private person. *He always has been. * One of my biggest frustrations in our relationship is that I can't have what I consider a relaxed, intimate conversation with him.
> 
> He will not tell me when he lost his virginity or any of his sexual history. Something about that came up the other day and I asked him again and he just says "That's private. I think some things are no one else's business."
> 
> ...


My thoughts are what you want is the basis of a good And healthy relationship. That said you married this guy and knew he was this way. Unfair to demand that he change now. This is just the way he is going to be.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> My thoughts are what you want is the basis of a good And healthy relationship. That said you married this guy and knew he was this way. Unfair to demand that he change now. This is just the way he is going to be.


And that was partly the reason I asked.



2ntnuf said:


> What do you have in common?


You will never be happy about this. He likely will not change. There will be much more than this that he keeps secret. It's the nature of the beast. 

Figure it this way. If he talks at all about his past, you will naturally ask questions because you want to know him. He won't want to answer because there will be things he doesn't want you to know connected to the reasons he did those things. 

You might as well figure you are working with a blank slate that will keep you on your guard and asking questions. I'm guessing you tell him all sorts of things in an effort to get him to open up. He never will. You will have to accept who he is. Deal with the issues at hand, in the present. Make decisions and live your life without fear of his opinion because you likely won't get it, unless an extreme issue comes up. He will likely be the type that just leaves when he has enough, too, and you won't know why.

I'm guessing here, but it's partly from experience, too. It's why I like to say we need to find folks whose past is open and doesn't bother us. There's nothing wrong with having a past. It just needs to be compatible with ours. Sounds like yours isn't compatible with his or he doesn't want to be judged. That's always a danger and he is rightfully concerned. He's probably been judged many times and hurt. 

Good luck.


----------



## Somanylemons (May 2, 2015)

It would irritate me too. 

Nobody wants to be with someone who goes on and on about their exes but I do think it's a bit odd to never have that conversation ever. Significant romantic relationships are a big part of what makes a person who they are. 

Does he think you are going to judge him if he opened up about his past?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

While I can appreciate the fact that 'all that matters is from marriage forward', but this seems over the top to me. Marriage is about sharing and creating a sense of intimacy. Sounds to me like he's too buttoned down.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you want to know? I was married for 43 years and never even thought of asking about him losing his virginity. How would knowing that make you feel closer to him?

How would him knowing about your baggage help him to feel closer to you? Unless it was a traumatic experience which is affecting your marriage it might be best to leave the past in the past. What is important is how you treat each other. He obviously liked the person you became and doesn't care to hear about your 'wilder' days. Concentrate on the here and now and your future together.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> And that was partly the reason I asked.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We have a lot of values in common and we get along well, laugh at a lot of the same things. But more and more I think of all the things we do not have in common. The things that I find to be simple joys that I just cannot share with him. If I had to sum his personality up in one word, it would be "resistant." 

I love him but I have become filled with regret that I married him. It's not that I don't like being around him and want to get away from him. I just so wish I had kept walking and married someone that I had more in common with and that I could connect with. But I want to find a way to make this marriage work. He loves me very much and is trying really hard now that he knows I'm not happy. Well, trying hard but he won't do the simplest (in my mind) things like tell me when he lost his virginity.

His issue, btw, is not that he is hiding a past so much as he is hiding a lack of a past. I always joke that his big secret is that there is no big secret.

He grew up in a house with alcoholism and was very ashamed and always hid his home life from everyone - friends, teachers, etc. It is just his MO now. I love him and I care about him but I am so frustrated.

In another thread I posted about him being so easily irritated. He has health issues that cause him a lot of pain and he recently got on medication for depression/pain and he has not gotten irritable one time since. So in that way where he was acting in a manner that is not right, he can change. But I too fear this just is who he is. He would be devastated if I left him and I don't know that I would be happier without him. I definitely think I could have been happier with someone else but I'm 50 and think that ship has probably sailed.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't say how old he is, but I think it's a tad strange for a 50 year old woman to be obsessed with the virginity issue. Who gives a rat's patoot?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> His issue, btw, is not that he is hiding a past so much as he is hiding a lack of a past. I always joke that his big secret is that there is no big secret.
> 
> He grew up in a house with alcoholism and was very ashamed and always hid his home life from everyone - friends, teachers, etc. It is just his MO now. I love him and I care about him but I am so frustrated.


Ahh, then the past you speak of is his sexual past only. Because the above two statements about his past are contradictory. So why the concern of his sexual history? At this point, how would knowing that help you to have a better marriage? I assume through a better sex life? So being that, why not just ask him if he'd like to try this or that? If hi issues are low desire, the meds will help, depending. They can hurt, too. Although, he may just not think it's worth the effort. He might talk with a therapist more easily. I assume he is seeing someone if he is on meds. Did you speak with his therapist? Lots of assumptions there. 

I'm in my early fifties, so I understand. You may want to make a new thread in SIM and delete this one. They struggle with this all the time. They likely have more answers. 

In any case, I wish you well.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Why do you want to know? I was married for 43 years and never even thought of asking about him losing his virginity. How would knowing that make you feel closer to him?
> 
> How would him knowing about your baggage help him to feel closer to you? Unless it was a traumatic experience which is affecting your marriage it might be best to leave the past in the past. What is important is how you treat each other. He obviously liked the person you became and doesn't care to hear about your 'wilder' days. Concentrate on the here and now and your future together.


Regarding when he lost his virginity - I don't really want to know that specific detail so much as it bothers me that he won't tell me. I don't remember how the topic came up, but it did, and he would not say. That is just one example. It's more the feeling that he's withholding information about himself from me. Although maybe I'm looking for reasons to pick at him because thinking about it, he really does share more personal things with me now than he used to. (Still less than most people though.)

You say you were been married 43 years and never thought to ask. If the subject had come up, do you think your spouse would have considered that a breach of his privacy or just answered, no big deal?

As for talking about the past - he tells stories about his youth and college age drinking exploits all the time. He just refuses to hear any of my stories if they involve anything I did that he does not approve of (like smoking pot). So sure he likes the person I have become but he is harshly judgmental of the person I was. And part of who I am now is just because he and I are married. For example, he is very anti drug. I am "generally" anti-drug, but if I was with someone else I could see myself smoking pot once every year or two. 

He says he loves me and I often think "you don't even really know me."

This is not my biggest issue, but it does bother me when I think about it, and I was wondering if it would bother other people or if it's normal.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> My thoughts are what you want is the basis of a good And healthy relationship. That said you married this guy and knew he was this way. Unfair to demand that he change now. This is just the way he is going to be.


Thanks. That's kind of what I've been thinking. I knew he was like this and I married him anyway. 

Of course, he knew I wanted to share more and he married me anyway too. I have changed in that I've shoved my desires down, but I'm finding lately I can't stop thinking about how unfulfilled I feel.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"If the subject had come up, do you think your spouse would have considered that a breach of his privacy or just answered, no big deal?"

I think my husband would have been hesitant to respond while wondering if he would be poking a hornet's nest. He most likely would have said "If you really want to know, I'll tell you. Do you really want to know?". Just guessing as the grave doesn't give up any secrets.

I'm sorry you're feeling unfulfilled. You have to realize that a second marriage in middle age can not ever capture the same feeling of 'known you forever' as a marriage of youth can provide. It can actually be daunting to try to play catch up with a person's history when there is a lot of history involved. Getting to know new people even as friends can be tiring as I really don't want to hear about 40 years of stuff. 

The point you made of him speaking of his college days and then being judgmental of your wilder days can be addressed as not appreciating his attitude. He doesn't get to cluck his tongue in disapproval. Maybe a few marriage counseling sessions can help you two decide what you will share and won't share.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I would feel censored. I think not being able to refer to my past with comfort would disturb me more than him not talking about his. 

In your case, you have some information. I think you might have enough to have formed a general overview. He had very few relationships, he felt ashamed of his home life when he was younger, and maybe he doesn't want to talk about when he lost his virginity because he lost it in very bad circumstances. Maybe he didn't, but it's possible. You had the knowledge that he didn't want to discuss anything. The scenery hasn't changed. I can see that you wanted it to though, from the get go. You had a 2D picture of him and you wanted to eventually see him in 3D, but despite him telling you that you never would, you decided to gamble your life that he was wrong.

I do think you need to address this though. Being censored is not healthy. Never being able to completely open up would feel stifling. For better or worse, your past is part of who you are, and that should not have to be hidden away from the light of day for the rest of your married life.

He needs to open his heart to all of you, not just some of you.


----------



## jc0187 (Feb 16, 2013)

My fiance too is not very open either. She takes her cell phone EVERYWHERE with her, when she heads to the restroom, it goes with, when she leaves the room, it goes with. I know she is not talking to someone else behind my back because she's offered me her cell when mine was dead and I needed to go up for milk or something. But I think deep down she is afraid that I'll sure snoop through it, which I would never do. That being said, I don't think you will win him over on being less private. One day perhaps, but I don't know.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I have to be honest, My husband is not comfortable talking about his past sexual history and to be honest i do not want to hear about it either if i am honest. My husbands past two relationships were long term relastioships so hes not been with lots of woman.

I have spoke about it in the past, but i can tell he really does not like talking about it, so i respect that. He does not want to know about mine either so i am fine with that. Funny tho he does not mind me talking to my friends about anything sexual if they have a problem... I am bit of a dear deaidre agony aunt if any of my friends have a problem what can i say, I like to help:smile2:.

All men are different were some men do not mind talking about there past, some do.


----------



## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*Toxic Shame,* anybody on the boards who is familiar with NMMNG, can explain this in great detail.

Below is a well sourced post from another board, bookmark worthy.

http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f26/the-toxic-shame-thread-the-cause-of-sa-for-most-98335/


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> "If the subject had come up, do you think your spouse would have considered that a breach of his privacy or just answered, no big deal?"
> 
> I think my husband would have been hesitant to respond while wondering if he would be poking a hornet's nest. He most likely would have said "If you really want to know, I'll tell you. Do you really want to know?". Just guessing as the grave doesn't give up any secrets.
> 
> ...


I understand that's how you feel about it but that doesn't work for some, including me. Having frank and open discussions and open communication is essential to establishing intimacy for me. I could have never married someone like the OPs spouse. This can matter a great deal to some. Where the OP really went wrong is marrying this guy at all. He isn't likely to change. She isn't likely to loose her desire to know. This wasn't a good match.

I think your right about the marriage counseling. If this marriage will survive he will need to open up some and she will Need to let go of some or a lot of this.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I understand that's how you feel about it but that doesn't work for some, including me. Having frank and open discussions and open communication is essential to establishing intimacy for me. *I could have never married someone like the OPs spouse.* This can matter a great deal to some. Where the OP really went wrong is marrying this guy at all. He isn't likely to change. She isn't likely to loose her desire to know. This wasn't a good match.
> 
> I think your right about the marriage counseling. If this marriage will survive he will need to open up some and she will Need to let go of some or a lot of this.


i did. Boy, did it suck trying to get any little scrap of who she was out of her. Huge red flag there. I agree with you.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> i did. Boy, did it suck trying to get any little scrap of who she was out of her. Huge red flag there. I agree with you.


Why did you marry a person you didn't really know, yet wanted to? The time to find out about a person is before proposing. What were you banking on?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Why did you marry a person you didn't really know, yet wanted to? The time to find out about a person is before proposing. What were you banking on?


This is tough and a tj if I answer. Maybe it will help her to understand her own decisions?

We dated and lived together for almost three years. I have a past too. Some of it I am not proud of in the least and some things I even hate myself for choosing to do. I believed I had moved on from that man. I saw no reason to get into detail, yet covered it generally and opened myself to questions she might have. I showed her evidence of my struggles and the work I did to recover. I asked a few times over those months of dating and living together, if she had any questions. I thought the issues were resolved. 

So, I understood how she might have things in her past she didn't want to get into detail about, but might want to just give me general knowledge of, to help be certain of our decisions to pursue something more serious like marriage. We were both once divorced. We were adults and met at the age of 40, though I was not 40 for twenty more days and she was already 40. I teased her about robbing the cradle, though she was only about 6 months older. 

She did tell me some things which were somewhat alarming, but lerv, my desire to believe and trust, my personal openness and honesty, my respect for her privacy, which I worked on through the years prior, all made me accept what she said at face value. I didn't question her in detail, but did broach a few topics she brought up and found her to be struggling with talking. I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted her to tell me when she was ready. She never was, but I found that out over the years and she did things that surely looked like love and devotion drove them, at least the way I understood them. 

All of these things made her more interesting and I wanted to know her like no other. I wanted to be one with her in life and conplement each other in our endeavors together. I wanted to love her and I did, but things changed as time went on. 

Hope that helps.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Thank you, 2ntnuf. That was quite the pas de deux you and she were involved in. She took her cue from you with the generalizing. She just wasn't willing to extend the leeway of you asking questions. It is so sad when two people can't get on the same page in the relationship. What one person may consider a secret the other considers irrelevant.

I hope the OP and her husband do find a way to solve the secrets/shaming aspect of their relationship.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Thank you, 2ntnuf. That was quite the pas de deux you and she were involved in. She took her cue from you with the generalizing. She just wasn't willing to extend the leeway of you asking questions. It is so sad when two people can't get on the same page in the relationship. What one person may consider a secret the other considers irrelevant.
> 
> I hope the OP and her husband do find a way to solve the secrets/shaming aspect of their relationship.


I do realize the problem is fear of judgement of our pasts. What I told her and gave her to look at were baring my soul, as what I wrote on the pages were from my heart. They were always there for her to see. Never locked up and I never complained about her looking at them, when she did. I even smiled, sat on the bed, and asked if she had questions. There were none. I have to assume that meant she didn't want to share her past. It meant she would be on an equal level with me. It wasn't comfortable for her. I didn't know all of that then. I just wanted her more than anyone I'd ever met.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Can you talk about other things. I'd try working on that. Let me say a whole lot of wives are uncomfortable with detailed sexual talk too.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Maybe YOU were his first and he's embarrassed about that. If so, poking fun about his lack of experience will only make it worse.

Maybe he was abused as a child.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Maybe your H sexual past should remain in the past because to him it is pointless/meaningless as he started his "new" life when he met you? In other words, that past remains in the past because his new history in his mind started the day you met. Perhaps there really is not much to tell.


----------



## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

My obsession with my wife's past is my single worst flaw. I've been beaten up by logic enough that I know it is a bit of a mental disorder. But OP, I get you 100% and feel your pain. In my twisted opinion a marriage should totally disclose the past. And yes, the illogical part is that if you get what you seek you might not be able to handle the information.


----------



## twocents (Jun 5, 2015)

You are a very open person, he has history he does not feel like sharing. You need to respect him for what he is, stop trying to change him and stop prying into his past. Nothing good will come out of this.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me personally.. I couldn't get involved with someone too private like that.. I prefer the open book types.. naturally open & honest to a fault... once a love has grown with shared experiences & we have shown ourselves "trustworthy" , that is....We have a large part to play in this...providing that comfortable / accepting place to share their everything..with understanding..

I would feel the intimacy was lacking with anything less.. I also feel strongly THIS IS a *compatibility issue* that will continue to rear it's ugly head in a relationship when 2 are geared very different in this area..

Now, there is much to say -to BE the sort of person that CAN BE TRUSTED when another opens up showing their vulnerable parts to us.... *not *throwing something back in someone's face down the road with each fight, etc.. quick judgments, looking horrified, will also shut someone down. 

Problem is.. many has been deeply hurt in the past, could be from family members or former relationships -where they have made a vow to NEVER open up like that again.. (*Working Wife..do you feel this is the case with your husband?*).... so then it became ...NEVER AGAIN.. that it's no one's business -even whom they someday marry... 

There is a barricade here that no one would be able to break down... trying to do so will only cause resentment on his behalf.. but also YOURS.. again.. why these personalities (regardless of how they are born) just DON'T MIX well...

Maybe he was abused as a child, as another said.. this would be far more hurtful to him, not wanting to go there... over just not having "experience" with a woman..... Big WHUP.. would you look down on him if that was the case ?? I doubt it!!

I give you credit for having the patience you have -all these years.. at this point....if you want to stay it seems all you can do is accept him as he Is ... I assume it's far more than just his sexual past.. that he struggles with sharing other emotions also...it makes one question many things.. if you REALLY know a person, what drives them.. what motivates them... what brings them the greatest happiness..


----------

