# First time here - here's my story



## Goldie0000 (Oct 31, 2008)

Hi there.

I will endevour to make this as straightforward as possible as it could be quite a long story and it seems the more succinct one is with their tales on here the quicker and more helpful the answer.

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and in February we will have been together 10.

Throughout our relationship sex has always been interesting. There have been highs and lows, mainly down the varying degrees of my wife's 'mojo'. The important thing to note here is that I have always been pretty adventurous and introduced all sorts which virtually all the time she has reacted very well to:
Toys, porn, outside sex, all night marathons, even a threesome with another lady twice.

The problem with her is that throughout our relationship she has never been one to initiate sex ever really...the most I will get is 'do you fancy some fun', but there is never anything sponataneous or initiaition, I appreciate that she is 'not that type of person' but its hard to take nonetheless.

6 months ago we had our first child, a beautiful little boy that is the love of our life though simply doesnt like to sleep and has change the dynamic between my wife and I. It should be said that we didnt have much sex from about month 3 of her preganancy which was accepted though gave me an even bigger appetite to get back on it once the baby had popped out.

After 4 weeks or so after the birth I felt it best to start trying to have sex again. Though she found it difficult because of the way she looked she is basically not interested and as the months roll on the response is 'no' virtually all the time.

After 6 months I have had enough and I made the decision today to tell her that would be that; I wont try anymore and in fact if she does ever want to I dont want to have it - apart from special occasions. Im an 'all or nothing' person, 2 years ago I gave up smoking weed totally as I couldnt accept just having a bit here and there, it has to be all or nothing with me. At the moment I have nothing or a tiny bit of something.

She has reacted badly and said she doesnt want that and wants the 'option'. I have said no, I love her and am willing to get used to this way of life - while I dont want to its better than having that feeling every day of knowing she doesnt want to and when I do get her to agree she basically doesnt want to.

Whether I can get used to this way of life I dont know. I have tried to accept she is tired from looking after the baby etc etc but I am only human and need to have some consistency - if this is the way to achieve that then so be it.

I know, in the long run, this isnt going to be healthy and therefore I ask for anyone out there who may have been in simliar situation to offer me some invaluable advice.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow, do you always give up so easily when things don't go your way? This reaction seems childish to me. She has proven to be more adventurous than most women in the past but now it seems you want to punish her for not keeping it up once the baby came along. I don't think a sexless marriage is healthy, especially when the reason it is sexless is because you have a stubborn all or none attitude about it. The best thing you can do when a baby comes along is to support your wife, share in the nightly feedings or if she is breastfeeding to pick up the other things that need to get done so she can get some sleep. Although having a baby is the most beautiful time in a woman's life it is also physically and emotionally difficult as well. The more you step in the more likely she will start getting back to a normal routine...and babies do get older each day (i know big surprise) and eventually work their sleep schedules out but it does require patience. If you don't have it now, I wish you luck when he is a teenager


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

If you can hold off having sex with her, you are a stronger man than I. I tried that and I can't last a week. Have you talked to her about why? It sounds a little like depression from your description. 

The book Sex Starved Marriage would be right up the alley or counseling, especially if it is depression.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Why don't you take care of YOUR child more to give her time to relax, go to the gym etc.

draconis


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## Aeval (Nov 3, 2008)

Unfortunately, marriage does not have an "all or nothing" option...


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## OrinTyie (Oct 7, 2008)

Give her time. Have been in the position of having to initiate nearly every time myself for years now. Recently went through some big issues and am in a position of now having to wait for my wife to want to "be with me". I've found out I can get it pretty much whenever I want but I know she doesn't so it is tough to be in that position. I love her so I'm waiting and just trying to be there for her in every other way. 

Try some patience. It isn't easy but if you truly love her try.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Goldie0000 said:


> Im an 'all or nothing' person, 2 years ago I gave up smoking weed totally as I couldnt accept just having a bit here and there, it has to be all or nothing with me. At the moment I have nothing or a tiny bit of something.


Im thinkin' you're a control freak. You cant handle not being in control of when and how you get it, so to regain control you have to call the shots. and the only shot you can call in this one is to say she cant have "any." 

That wont work as im guessing you're finding out. 

Its ok to be vulnerable in the relationship and to sometimes not be calling the shots. No one handles rejection very well and to protect yourself it is natural to go the oposite extreme. If you classify yourself as an all or nothing person, then you've made the rule and you'll have to abide by it. be ready for nothing, though. 

You might consider rewriting your rule to make yourself a loving guy, and see if you dont feel better. you might be suprised that by changing the way you see yourself, you get what you were looking for, maybe not in the same way, but it'll come.


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