# SO unsatisfied sexually



## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Hi everyone,

My problem is: my husband is not interested in sex, and when we have it once in a blue moon, it is boring. I tried to share ma fantasies with him (okay, some may be overwhelming for someone noot so interested, for example role play) and needless to say it didn't work out. I try to provoke him when the kids are asleep not at home. I practically walk around the house half-dressed in front of him. 
And since we had the baby he doesn't want to have sex at ALL, saying he's too afraid that I get pregnant again. 
He says that since I want a strong, dominant man in bed, I am infouenced by stereotypes and he does not want to be defined by that. So he never takes the lead, which is all I an craving. 
I am so frustrated that yesterday I watched Sleeping Beauty with my daughter and was turned on by Prince Phillip. Which, I know, is pathetic.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Yikes. I wish I had some advice for you... the only thing I will say is that maybe you should do all you can to stop inititating for a bit, (masturbate) and sort of make your husband come to you.... was he this way when you were dating?


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

He was more into it when we were dating, but I have always been the most sexual one. It really sucks. I even thought about having an affair. A co-worker has been flirtimg with me and wrote me an e-mail, stating all the things he'd like to do to me. And it's like all the things I dream about. Now when I see him I am burning with lust. 
But I did not sleep with him, I don't want to betray my husband.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Lotus22 said:


> He was more into it when we were dating, but I have always been the most sexual one. It really sucks. I even thought about having an affair. A co-worker has been flirtimg with me and wrote me an e-mail, stating all the things he'd like to do to me. And it's like all the things I dream about. Now when I see him I am burning with lust.
> But I did not sleep with him, I don't want to betray my husband.


If you are flirting with a co worker and he's sending you sexually explicit emails, you are already having an EA and you are cheating on your H


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Lotus22 said:


> He was more into it when we were dating, but I have always been the most sexual one. It really sucks. *I even thought about having an affair. A co-worker has been flirtimg with me and wrote me an e-mail, stating all the things he'd like to do to me. And it's like all the things I dream about. Now when I see him I am burning with lust.
> But I did not sleep with him, I don't want to betray my husband.*



Obviously this co worker knows that you are sexually unsatisfied in your marriage and sees an opportunity.
The fact that you are responding to his advances via text conversations is giving him the
" green light " and he will continue to escalate.

Also, you realize that you are in deep waters, because you posted here for advice.
So the best course, IMO, is to cease all chats / text / email conversations with this co worker.
He only wants to have sex with you and soon you will want to have sex with him too.
Tell your husband that both of you need to have marital counselling because of the sexual problems.
You are frustrated and you will become resentful.
Give him an ultimatum, and if he refuses , the move on with your life.
Also investigate to acertain whether or not he's replacing sexual intimacy between both of you with porn and masturbation.
His behaviour sounds highly suspicious.

Do not allow his problem to influence you to cheat.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Lotus22 said:


> He was more into it when we were dating, but I have always been the most sexual one. It really sucks. I even thought about having an affair. A co-worker has been flirtimg with me and wrote me an e-mail, stating all the things he'd like to do to me. And it's like all the things I dream about. Now when I see him I am burning with lust.
> But I did not sleep with him, I don't want to betray my husband.


and this co worker just guessed what you are looking for sexually from your husband ?? I think NOT !!

Please don't expect to get support to cheat on your husband -- no matter your problems/excuse/etc may be.

Your husband needs to seek help -- maybe he now see's you as a mother -- and no longer a sexually attractive woman/wife.

He needs to get help == with your help and support. You owe it to your child to do everything you can to save your marriage -- and I mean everything.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I agree you need to cease this activity with the coworker (even teh conversations are activity).... how would you like to know that your husband had similar conversation with someone? (If you don't like it, neither would he). I would suggest that you let your husband know very directly that you are so unsatisfied you have considered an affair, and take it from there... that way he understands the seriousness of the issue


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Was these email from your co-worker out of the blue? Or have you been discussing our personal life with this man?


Forget the co-worker. You are right in that you do not want to cheat on your husband. Settle your marriage first. 

Are you on birthcontrol pills? There are ways to prevent pregnancy. So why is your husband afraid to get you pregnant again? Are his fears rational?

The two of you need to go to a counselor who is also a sex therapist. Hopefully this person can help the two of you find a middle ground where you both will be happy.

If you two cannot work it out, then divorce your husband and get on with your life.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Thanks everyone for the advices, yes, I realise I need help, so that's why I came here.
As for the coworker, I replied to his email by saying I was married and not interested. Which is a lie, but he doesn't need to know that. Since he often talks with one of my female coworker/friend, to whom I talk a lot, maybe she's the one who told him about my non existent sex life? I shall talk to her. 
I don't want support to cheat on my husband, I'd just like to have a sex life with him! We have two beautiful girls, and beside the sex he is a good husband. 
I'd just wish him to be more dominant, to take the lead, for him to desire me. I mean, I'm still young, good-looking, got through two pregnancies in three years without gaining weight.... What's wrong with him? 
He says my fantasies are filles with stereotypes, like, male=dominant, female=submissive, and that he's not into that kind of thing, and that I'm twisted to be turn on by "rough sex". 
As for birth control, he refuses to use preservatives, and I refuse to take the pill because I feel quite blue when I'm on it. So I said why not do something definitive about it, since we don't want another child? He refused. I think he uses it as an excuse. 
It really sucks because apart from that my life is good. But now I'm so sex-deprived that all men arund must smell my pheromones.... Maybe he's depressed? What do you think?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lotus22 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advices, yes, I realise I need help, so that's why I came here.
> As for the coworker, I replied to his email by saying I was married and not interested. Which is a lie, but he doesn't need to know that. Since he often talks with one of my female coworker/friend, to whom I talk a lot, maybe she's the one who told him about my non existent sex life? I shall talk to her.


Or she might not have said a word to him. I’ve had guys be that forward with me with them having no knowledge of my life situation at all. Some guys just try. I guess they figure success is in the numbers. 

Also, when you take about this kind of thing here, make sure that are clear about what did or did not go on. As you have seen, there are always those here who will assume that you have been leading this guy on because they are naïve enough to believe that a guy would never be so bold without you overtly leading them on.



Lotus22 said:


> I don't want support to cheat on my husband, I'd just like to have a sex life with him! We have two beautiful girls, and beside the sex he is a good husband.
> I'd just wish him to be more dominant, to take the lead, for him to desire me. I mean, I'm still young, good-looking, got through two pregnancies in three years without gaining weight.... What's wrong with him?
> He says my fantasies are filles with stereotypes, like, male=dominant, female=submissive, and that he's not into that kind of thing, and that I'm twisted to be turn on by "rough sex".
> As for birth control, he refuses to use preservatives, and I refuse to take the pill because I feel quite blue when I'm on it. So I said why not do something definitive about it, since we don't want another child? He refused. I think he uses it as an excuse.


What are these “preservatives” that he refuses to use? I think you are using a term that most of us do not use.
There are forms of birth control other than the pill. You could check into those. Or you could have your tubes tied.

Your husband’s objections do sound like excuses. He seems to think that you are putting him down with what you are asking him to do. It might be in the way you are wording what you want. 



Lotus22 said:


> It really sucks because apart from that my life is good. But now I'm so sex-deprived that all men arund must smell my pheromones.... Maybe he's depressed? What do you think?


There are men who can tell when a woman is not being satisfied. The woman puts out signals even if she is not aware of it. It’s nature. 

There seems to be an underlying anger between the two of you. Often when men withhold sex, it’s a passive aggressive way for them express resentment and anger. He has told you that he’s upset abuot you wanting him to behave in a manner that is not who he is. Maybe you need to start there.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together that you enjoy, just the two of you?


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

I think you have a point, with the girls we do not have much time to enjoy each other. We used to do a lot of things together, sports, hiking, trekking, etc... That's even how we met, on a trekking trip... But now I go running alone at night, and he does not exercise anymore. I offered him a gym membership, but he does not use it. We go out on the week end, but with the girls. 
"Preservatives" are condoms? Sorry for using this term, I was not sure. English is not my first language.... So here is another proof that I love this man and want to solve our issues: I left my famili, my counrty, finished school and learned another language to be with him. It breaks my heart to be so unsatisfed with him. 
Yes, I think he is angry about my wanting him to be more dominant sexually. Like I want him to be someone he's not. But couldn't he make an effort? I don't ask him to replay 50 shades of Grey.... Are we condemned to ahve sex only on Friday nights for ten dull minutes with the lights closed for the rest of our life?
And as for th coworker, he is very bold, strong, confident, and I'd lie if I said that I'm not attracted.... But I won't sleep with him and throw away my family life.... 
That being said, I really need something to happen, because I am now totally obsessed with sex and cannot think about anything else. 
Shall I come clean about the coworker and his steamy email? Maybe a bit of jealousy would make him react a bit? Stake his claim? Shall I stop provoking him and let him come to me?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lotus, if you want to see if your H really has it in him to man up or not, show him the email.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Firstly, your fantasies are quite normal. If you google female fantasies you can see the top fantasies and show your husband.

Also maybe ask him what his objections to your fantasies are and why? 

Also does your husband masturbate or watch a lot of porn? If so his energy is being spent where it shouldn't be and he needs to stop and focus on you.

It is normal to want to be desired by your husband, don't let him shame you about that.

I also think he needs to know how badly this is effecting your marraige. He needs to know that it could potentially ruin your marraige.

He could also have a low drive due to testosterone levels and needs to get his levels checked. If they are on the lower side there is a lot he can do about it.


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## KVR (Feb 18, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> As for the coworker, I replied to his email by saying I was married and not interested.


If the coworker continues this kind of email or behavior, you need to tell him in no uncertain term that you will report to HR of his sexual harassment if he ever does it again.

You may also consider telling your husband about this coworker and the email. Be open with your husband will help you fight the temptation, and may hopefully serve as a wake-up call to him.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I wonder if your encouraging your husband to employ your fantasy of more dominating sex is putting performance pressure on him. Us guys are more sensitive to fears of failure more than anything...and it seems that he is afraid of an inability to connect with the dominant brute that he feels you are asking for...he is saying he is afraid of getting it wrong and disappointing you. That would be a good reason as to why he is avoiding sex...not that he doesn't like it (Oh I'm sure he probably fantasizes about being the man you dream about) but maybe he is struggling to connect with that. If he has a poor male role model in his life...then that could play a big part.
Sex must flow from an authentic self...and it sounds like he struggles that a media informed sexuality is adding unrealistic expectations of what it actually achievable. It sounds like he is comparing himself to the men in porn and romance books and feels like he doesn't match up...just as many women feel inferior when they obsess of how to emulate the sexiness of their favorite celebrity.
Could be lots of reasons. I say nothing can hurt about talking with a counselor in marriage and sex...who can walk you two through this. Cos when you cease fighting about it and go into your separate corners...that's a bad sign.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

This may be stating the obvious but if he sucks so bad in bed why did you marry him? You should really ask yourself that because I don't believe people fundamentally change. Not really. Did you marry him for the wrong reasons perhaps? Did you ignore the red flags you had at the time? Were there red flags for you or was he "Mr. Perfect"? Personally I think sexual problems (except due to physical/psychological reasons) are a symptom of other problems in the relationship. As the previous poster said he may very well have some resentment on his side that is preventing him from performing (or even having the desire to perform) in the bedroom. I bet it has a lot to due with the way you two relate. Do you see each other as equals or is there a bit of a parent/child dynamic going on? Who pays the bills? Who fixes all the problems? Is it shared? How to you approach problems in the relationship? How do you approach problems in the bedroom? Do you shut-up and give the silent treatment, cry, vent, rage or otherwise act like your average 15 year old? It's hard to have great sex with someone you see at some level as a parent/child....Oh, and I have news for you, if you're so unsatisfied sexually I guarantee you he is too. It's just that men can distract themselves a bit better. If he's tossing one off to relieve the pressure and throwing himself into his hobbies, maybe it's because he's dealing with the dissatisfaction his way instead of pursuing office erotic fantasies. It annoys me when somebody points to someone else as the source of all their problems and then everyone piles-on in virtual moral support. As with anything there are three sides to every story -- yours, mine, and the truth. My sense is the truth is a bit different than the way you're painting it...


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> I wonder if your encouraging your husband to employ your fantasy of more dominating sex is putting performance pressure on him. Us guys are more sensitive to fears of failure more than anything...and it seems that he is afraid of an inability to connect with the dominant brute that he feels you are asking for...he is saying he is afraid of getting it wrong and disappointing you. That would be a good reason as to why he is avoiding sex...not that he doesn't like it (Oh I'm sure he probably fantasizes about being the man you dream about) but maybe he is struggling to connect with that. If he has a poor male role model in his life...then that could play a big part.
> Sex must flow from an authentic self...and it sounds like he struggles that a media informed sexuality is adding unrealistic expectations of what it actually achievable. It sounds like he is comparing himself to the men in porn and romance books and feels like he doesn't match up...just as many women feel inferior when they obsess of how to emulate the sexiness of their favorite celebrity.
> Could be lots of reasons. I say nothing can hurt about talking with a counselor in marriage and sex...who can walk you two through this. Cos when you cease fighting about it and go into your separate corners...that's a bad sign.


Formerself makes some very good points here. Men can be very sensitive and insecure about their sexuality. When they're bombarded every day with images in which all of the super-desirable men out there in virtual reality are also super-macho, beating up 50 guys in one scene, have 3 houses and a jet, and have 50 women dying to have them at any one time satisfying each and every one of them for hours on end, it doesn't do much for their sense of self.

A woman who wants it rough and wants him to "act like a man in bed" can be a real turn-off. For you it's play. For him it's not. He must prove that he can get it up, give you the fvck of your life and beat his chest like Tarzan. 

It's hard to say which came first, him using it as an excuse or the feelings of inadequacy, but they are probably reinforcing one another. 

You need to come off a little less threatening to him and if he can start feeling a little better about himself sexually, maybe he'll just fulfill one of your fantasies somewhere down the line.

And leave your co-worker out of this for Christ's sake.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Right, I'll show him the email. I'll admit I've been attracted to this guy, but did not cheat. It's with him that I want to do the things written in it, not with some big flirt at job. That I am sure about, having an affair could only satisfy me for a couple of hours, but would worsen everything and ruin my family.
Some good points you made guys: I admit I did put a lot of pressure on him about it. Using expressions like "be a man" or "man up".... Saying he is boring in bed.... I know, it did not help, but I am frustrated a lot. I will apoligize, and try to calm down a bit.... He also said that my leaving my family and country did put a lot of pressure on him, because when I arrived in the States he was the only person I knew and did not speak English. He felt that since I left everything for him he was completely responsible of my happiness. 
I do not think we have a parent/kid relationship, although he is older than me, about ten years. I work, I pay my share of the bills, I clean the house, we have a joint account and each our own account.... I do not think I act like 15 years old.... When we fight I usually go running to calm down. I must say, I am quite in good shape because of the last months.
As for sex history, when we met on a trekking trip the sex was good. in fact the first time we had sex, it was just as I wanted. He was the most attractive guy I have ever seen. He was intelligent, nice, bright, in a fantastic shape and we had so much in common. We may have been too quick to get married, we did not know each other that much.... But I do not regret it. He he never was into rough sex, but at least we had sex, normal sex, and it was good. 
But I have those fantasies in my mind, and the more I talked to him about it, the less and less he seems interested in sex. 
I know he must be unsatisfied also, I do not know how he let go of built-up sexual pressure. I am sure he does not cheat. I checked Internet historic, and no porn there.... I have find a few magazines in the bathroom. 
Speaking of pron, I have even tried to watch the kind of sex I dream about with him, but to no effect. Now, I think it may have just pressured him again....
Okay, so now what I am going to do is: tonight I will ask his sister to take our girls. I will show him the email and tell him everything. I said I realise I've said mean things to him. I will apologise. We'll see.... Do you think it is a good plan?


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Yes it is a good plan!it will either wake him up or build resentment.its his choice to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Ok, so this is it. I have Mondays off so I have time to get ready and carefully think about what I'll say.... 
Hope it's gonna be okay. 
I'll let you know.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Wow, I can tell you really love him and that you are willing to try. That is great. It is so important to not criticize...especially during sex. Complaining about his performance is the same as a man complaining about his partner's body features. Devastating, and yes some of us are very sensitive.

Not to say your frustrations aren't valid...I just think when we focus too much of what we are NOT getting, then we lose empathy and patience toward a partner...and feel like it's ok to look for counterfeit replacements. It's not ok!

I am reminded of the ancient tea ceremony...how the female ceremonially prepares and serves the tea for her object of affection. A very beautiful thing. I think if you do things specifically that please him, that boosts his ego, that lets him know that he is wholly special unto you...that will help immeasurably. Lots of women do things like a striptease or whatever that is very feminine...it can be regarded as submissive as well. This may be a more acceptable display...putting yourself in service, instead of waiting for him first to dominate. Complaining, nagging, saying "man up" is far too shaming and will make it even worse!

At the same time, he needs to own his masculinity. You are not responsible to make him see himself as a man. You can encourage it and support it, but it is a journey that he has to recognize and decide what needs to be done. I know you probably struggle trying to respect him...and it is getting harder to be attracted to him...and feel you don't want to to wait forever for him to understand and act on it. There are lots of books on the subject: _Wild at Heart_ and _Stepping Up_ both are Christian books but are great. _Iron John_ is a terrific book too! There is a growling man inside of him, he just has to connect with it...and that can only be achieved by taking the journey of initiation, hanging around other men, especially older men...and developing what he is passionate about. Don't let him put you on the pedestal...just making you happy...step down from that, complain less, be attentive to HIS needs more, and then do not let him lose himself in you. He may be a codependent personality, so read BOUNDARIES and Boundaries in Marriage.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Good luck.

I have to say that you may never get the mind blowing sex you want from your husband.

I have been married for 22 years and my husband is 12 years older than me. We lost our way some years ago, sex became very formulaic, then dwindled and then for the past 3 1/2 years it stopped altogether.

I fantasize about rough sex, light bondage, being taken etc. At the end of last year I caved and had a brief affair. The sex was fantastic. The rest of the affair, not so much. It has now ended and my husband and I talked seriously about divorce. We decided we wanted to stay together. He has ED issues and has now obtained Viagra from the doctor. 

I know that I will never, ever have such good sex with my husband as I had with my lover. He is too respectful of me as his wife to go as far as I would want him to. If I push him too far I think he will just lose confidence or desire. So, the sex is a compromise I have had to make in order to continue in what is otherwise a good marriage.

You may find that you just have to do the same, unless the sex is a dealbreaker for you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Good luck.
> 
> I have to say that you may never get the mind blowing sex you want from your husband.
> 
> ...


What a pessimistic post. Sex is not a compromise. An affair is not the only way to get the sex you want, it is merely the way to get it without doing any work on the relationship if you are willing to betray your spouse, if you are willing to risk the consequences of having your cake and eating it too.

Now you "may" be correct that the sex will never be good - certainly not doing anything about it won't change a thing. However it is very possible that she "may" get the kind of sexual partner she wants if they are both committed to understanding each other and shedding their fears, inhibitions or other things that keep people from expanding beyond how they feel things "should be".

Certainly telling the internet about her H's shortcomings is certainly no way to build stock in the chances at a vigorous sex life together.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

I came here for advice, talking about it to unconcerned people has helped me. So I do not think that I am "telling the Internet", since I do not used my name nor his, and never will. 
Thanks Climbingthewalls for your post.... If find it a bit depressing, but realistic. I may not have exactly what I want, but its worth trying.
I really am nervous about telling him tonight.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lotus22 said:


> I came here for advice, talking about it to unconcerned people has helped me. So I do not think that I am "telling the Internet", since I do not used my name nor his, and never will.
> Thanks Climbingthewalls for your post.... If find it a bit depressing, but realistic. I may not have exactly what I want, but its worth trying.
> I really am nervous about telling him tonight.


Lotus, I was making a subtle reference to climbingthewalls about announcing her H's ED problem. It was completely unnecessary and didn't add anything to your conversation, but it spoke largely to the despair she feels about her own sex life. I personally don't think it's realistic, it can be if that is what both parties act on, but there is so much more you can try before taking the bleak options.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Sorry Lon, I misunderstood what you meant. 
I am tense and nervy, I may have read too quickly.
I think tonight I'll show him what has been said here also, as some of you guys have good advices for him too. Maybe he'll read ome of the books Formerself recommends, even if we are not Christians... 
I tried talkimg to my sister for support, just saying we had issues to solve, and she said :" So will you come back to Finland with us? I very much hope you are." 
I should've known, since my family never much liked him, but still... So now on top of everything I had a fight with her. Cannot wait for this day to be over.


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## musicaldreams (Jan 5, 2013)

Well, here is a good reason to NOT have sex with your co-worker. Ready? He is a moron. Anyone who puts something like that in writing to a co-worker who is (or even isn't) married is a moron. I know you were not going to cheat on your husband, but if you did, I should hope you'd choose someone with more class and common sense.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

So, I showed him the email. I expleined everything. Admitted I was attracted to another man, but did not cheat. Admitted I've been pressuring him about being more dominant in bed. I apologized. He was very angry with me, askimg how my coworker knew about my fantasies. I told him about my friend, I thimk she's the one who repeated everything to this guy, but that I was not sure. 
He got up and left the house. He came back a couple of hours later. He went to my friend's. She said she's been the one repeatimg everything I said. She said this guy has a crush on me since we met at work. She said she told him everything because she knew he would be bold enough to make a move, she thought I was so miserable that I deserved to know that someone desires me. She said even if I had slept with him, it would have been a one night affair only, with no other consequences of my being less frustrated. 
He then got the coworker's adress out of her, and went to confromt him. The guy did not apologised. He said to my husband that he deserved to be cheated on since he could not satisfy his wife. He punched my coworker, which so not like him and is a hint of how stressed out he feels.... 
He came back home and demanded my password to check my emails.... He saw I did receive just one, and saw my reply. 

He said that if I wanted him to be more dominant and more assertive, I should be ready to assume what I want. He said he could be like that, but not only in bed. I asked what he meant. He said there are things he wanted me to do: stop all relationship with my coworker, my friend, and find a new job. In fact, his exact words were "I forbid you to talk to them ever again". First time he talks to me like that.... I am a bit shell-shocked, to tell you the truth, but I am ready th show him I am willing to save our marriage, even if I really love my job....

He said he is hurt and humiliated that I repeated our sex issues to that girl. He said he always knew she was trouble, a bad influence, but did not want to tell me what to do and thought I was smarter than that. And he said he won't tolerate any other mean remark or comment from me. I have never seen him so mad. I am glad the kids were at his sister's. 

He said now he is too angry to talk anymore, he needed to sleep and calm down. So he went to bed, and closed the door. Without me. He said we'll talk about the sex tomorrow, when he is more calm. 

Still think I did the right thing, telling him everything?


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Yep, he is quite a moron. I fell really stupid not to have see it before, but after what he told my husband tonight, I'll gladly never talk to him again....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> Yep, he is quite a moron. I fell really stupid not to have see it before, but after what he told my husband tonight, I'll gladly never talk to him again....


Glad you're supporting your husband. The guy thought you'd back him and he would've been able to run over your husband. I'm sure your husband didn't think to punch him it just happened. In such a short time period your husband has been able to reclaim so much and your support makes it possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Wow, it looks like your husband went out and handled business!! Well it's too late to regret telling him now...but at least he got mad and did something about it instead of just giving up.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> He then got the coworker's adress out of her, and went to confromt him. The guy did not apologised. He said to my husband that he deserved to be cheated on since he could not satisfy his wife. He punched my coworker, which so not like him and is a hint of how stressed out he feels...


Ha ha. Your co-worker got what was coming to him, the cheeky t**t. Quite the manly, dominant response from your husband. Good on him. You should point that out to H at the appropriate time.

You did the right thing Lotus22. Good luck!


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Hi everyone,
So we got to talk some more tonight, as neither of us was sleeping very well, me on the couch and him alone in our bed.
He got up at around 3 AM and come and sit with me. 

He said he had calm down, but was still angry and disappointed. Still, he said he loves me very much and also apologized for neglecting me sexually and regusing to discuss about it. He still wants our marriage to work, and he said this served as a wake-up call. He said he was aware that it must not have been easy to admitt everything, and he was glad I did. He said it shows I still care. 

So, according to him, here's why he couldn't go on with being more dominant in bed. From his answer, I can say he's been thinking about it a lot:

1- He grew up without a father, and with a very feminist mother. He said he often had the kind of fantasies I had in mind, but never talked about it, since he thought it must be disrespectful to me, and even a kind of abuse. He was quite shocked that it came from me, and he did not know how to react. He assumed that I found all of our sex life boring so far.

2- constant pressure on my part, mean comments, etc. Fair point, for which I apologized. 

3- pressure he put on himself about my happiness. When I arrived in the States when I was 22, he was 31. As I said, I left everything behind to be with him. He said he admired for that, but at the same time always felt he owns me something. He said often he bite back his tongue with me, thinking "Oh she sacrificed so much to be here with me, I cannot start a fight/ ask that from her, etc". And my family also made him feel bad about it, like he took away their precious daughter and forced her to leave everything for him. They were quite horrible to him, when they visited they were *****ing about him in his face in finnish. I took his side of course, but he said he would have wanted me to get more firm with them. And when we visited they refused to acknowledged him. 

He said that when we fight I have said once or twice "When I think of what I did for you...." Which I do not remember really, but do sounds quite nasty and manipulative. As he said, he did not forced me to follow him, it was my own choice. And I do not regret it, saying that in the heat of a fight is not okay.... 

He have noticed of course when I tried to turn him on, walkimg around the house half-dressed when the kids were asleep, and he said he wanted to please me but just couldn"t and he went alone in the bathroom with porn and felt totally pathetic. 

He agreed that I could go to work until I have another job lined up, but still forbids me to talk to the guy and my former friend. Which I will do. 

I said I admired him for his recation last night, and developped a new kind of respect for him. He said it is quite a release to tell me everything, and he is sure that by asserting himself more outside the bedroom, the dominant sex will follow. We will try with smaller, simpler things and see where that leads us. Any ideas anyone? 

But I still feel a bit shameful, I regret to have humiliated him like that. I could tell he was still hurring this morning when he left to work. I am going tothe office now, I do not think my cowrker will be there....


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Firstly, sounds like you had a healthy chat.



Lotus22 said:


> 1- He grew up without a father, and with a very feminist mother. He said he often had the kind of fantasies I had in mind, but never talked about it, since he thought it must be disrespectful to me, and even a kind of abuse. He was quite shocked that it came from me, and he did not know how to react. *He assumed that I found all of our sex life boring so far.*


I'm hoping this isn't true and if it isn't, reassure him of that. The path to more dominance in the bedroom requires his confidence. Feed his confidence. 



> We will try with smaller, simpler things and see where that leads us. Any ideas anyone?


You need to shift the balance gently. Something that worked for us:

My wife likes to buy and wear lingerie. I was happy with her choices, it wasn't an issue at all. One day I just casually broached the subject that I hadn't bought her lingerie; what _I_ liked. So I showed her - her reaction was "Oh... really?". Not in a bad way, more in the "I never knew" category. It wasn't a problem. She's not a mind reader. She picked something she liked in that style. 

I saw this as a subtle expression of dominance. Nothing scary, just a bit of fun. In this way your H gets to choose what you wear, in the gentlest, sweetest most consensual way.

On a different tack I found a useful word is 'restraint'. Start out easy. My wife loves it if I (gently) hold her wrists when I kiss her. I just lean against her in the corridor, maybe hold her wrists over her head and kiss her neck. It's useful and fun to do this outside the bedroom. Let it become a part of how you *play* together.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lotus I commend you on communicating with your H, by doing so you have given him something to work with and I think you both now have a starting point to improve many aspects of your marriage for both of you. He is right, your friend who played a part in trying to destroy your marriage is very toxic, no friend at all, some people just seem to get a kick out of seeing others fail, they take pleasure in destroying what others build, like vandals.

Congrats on taking this difficult step, I think that it will help your marriage feel a lot more significant and rewarding. I also think your H will be able to use this shake up for a boost to his own self-esteem.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation as you. I'm trying to bring more dominance out of my husband in and out of the bedroom. The fact that your husband said he once had fantasies like that but thought they were wrong is a good thing. Have him read the loving dominant when he is ready. It may help with getting past some of the things he has learned to feel about dominance from society. It also has some great ideas for playing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> It also has some great ideas for playing.


Please share


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Well, let's say I got quite a surprise last night. 

I do not know how is it possible for him to get his self-confidence back so fast... He was just not the same man. In a good way.

Shall I always try to get co-workers to flirt with me to make him react? Just joking guys....

That being said, I will have to deal with his new confident attitude. I thought he would calm down and let me keep my current job. He won't. He's been really clear about that: he will not tolerate it. 

So I started searching for a new job. I respect that....

If every time is like last nignt, I should easily get used to it.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Good for you!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> Well, let's say I got quite a surprise last night.
> 
> I do not know how is it possible for him to get his self-confidence back so fast... He was just not the same man. In a good way.
> 
> ...


It's amazing how your husband knows what to do in this scenario. I've been studying the infidelity for seven years straight, and understand this is the right way to handle it. Obviously it didn't set right with your husband that you would still be going in there, and he was honest and you respected him.

This is one of the best TAM success stories to date.

You really sound like a great wife with great intentions for the both of you.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Thanks Treyvion,

Well, I did left my country and family for this man. I had two beautiful daughters with him. Of course I want things to work out.

I will do what it takes. Divorce is not an option: what would I do? Go back to Finland with the kids? They would grow on two continents?

And when I met him, he just exudes self-confidence. He needed to be himself again.

I got used to have things my way over the last years, as he felt he had to be nice to avoid fights. I will have to deal with it....


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Good for you!


Good both both of them


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm happy for you and envious!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Good job you two!

Also, I'm glad you are quitting your job. It is the right thing to do.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just read your husband's update however, and it is a bit concerning that he punched the guy who hit on you? That isn't cool and is a potential criminal charge for him.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: SO unsatisfied sexually*



Faithful Wife said:


> I just read your husband's update however, and it is a bit concerning that he punched the guy who hit on you? That isn't cool and is a potential criminal charge for him.


it is a potential criminal charge if the other guy presses charges. Personally, I'm a pacifist and I don't enjoy violence, but her H's willingness to protect what he loves by hurting any threat to his wife and marriage is exactly the kind of man most women are drawn to. Maybe he lost his temper, but I don't think losing his cool was a problem in this case, this scum was sexually pursuing his wife, he easily had it coming.

as for the overnight change in her husbands sex drive, lotus should keep in mind that it is very new, and on the heels of a developing EA, it is borne out of insecurity, the problem is not fixed, it is simply on the right path to becoming more satisfying.

Keep up the honesty and transparency with your H lotus, there is a lot more in store for you, you did not marry a meek man at all, sounds like he knows how to take care of business and has just been too disengaged, you are seeing him when he is engaged and that is an attractive quality.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

We don't know the details, though. This couple has small children and no one needs a criminal charge on their record, especially a daddy. Yes we want a big strong man to chase off predators, but personally I would lose respect for my husband if he punched another man over something like this. I know my husband can physically crush any other man he needs to. Punching someone doesn't impress me with any new knowledge about his strength.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Oh, he's been a secretive bastard lol. I did not know he asked for advice on this forum. I told him I did and that it helped me.

Now I do understand where he had his ideas last night, gosh some tips he was given are hot! And I think it shows he takes this situation to heart, and is as concerned as I am. 

As for the co-worker he as not been in the office since my husband punched him. He said he lost it when that moron told him he deserved to be cheated on for failing to satisfy me. 

I heard the guy has a black eye and potentially a broken nose.... My husband never hit anyone before, he doesn't spank our children, he is not violent at all.... Well, I kind of have a bit of a sore butt today, but that's another story 

I do hope my coworker won't call the police about it.... 

And as for the so-called friend who tried to break our marriage, she came talking to me as nothing was the matter. I told her my husband doesn't want me to talk to her anymore, and that I will soon leave the office, so we shall not speak ever again. She laughed and said if I wanted to let him boss me around, well too bad for me. 

I now see how toxic those two people were, and feel quite stupid to have ever listened to them. That has always been a problem with me, always naive and ready to see good in everyone.... 

I am bummed about having to find a new job, as I really enjoyed it. I kind of feel I am being punished for telling the truth, and for NOT having an affair. My husband said he understands my point of view, but still won't let me stay. He said he will not tolerate to worry about some guy wanting to bang me every single day, knowing he was bold enough to put those things in writing and was ready to come to our house to f*** me. Which I understand, and since it ias a deal breaker for him, I will do as he wants. 

Anyway, maybe I'll find an even better job?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: SO unsatisfied sexually*



Faithful Wife said:


> We don't know the details, though. This couple has small children and no one needs a criminal charge on their record, especially a daddy. Yes we want a big strong man to chase off predators, but personally I would lose respect for my husband if he punched another man over something like this. I know my husband can physically crush any other man he needs to. Punching someone doesn't impress me with any new knowledge about his strength.


For me, I would very possibly do the same thing if I were in that situation (i would hope so anyway, rather than backing down and cowering). So yeah it depends on the details, but if when confronted the scum had some kind of attitude problem I think a little adjustment with a pop to the face may be in order, and it would be worth going to court to defend my actions over, even if it meant the charges stuck (but I'd fight that harder than I'd fight the scumball).

To be clear, my purpose for confronting wouldn't be to inflict injury or pain, my goal wouldn't be to go hit the scumbag, my goal would be to get him to decist with pursuing my wife and to demonstrate that i'd stop at nothing to make it impossible for him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lotus...my husband is quite edgy and he would never want me to stay in a job under the circumstances you described with the two co-workers. So definitely look for a new job! It will hopefully seal some passion between you two, so he can see that HE is far more important to you than ANY job.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Thanks, I KNOW it is better for me to get a new job, but it is still hard. 

As for the physical violence my husband used, as it is the first time I am not worried. My husband lost it, punched the guy, who fell on the ground but stopped right there, not quite realizing what he'd done. As I said, he is not a violent man. 

He said if the coworker presses charges, he will face it. But, honnestly, I'd be surprised if he did. 

And Lon I do realise that my husband's overnight change is a direct consequence of this situation, but he said himself it was a wake-up call. So I think we can make it a starting point for a nice change. 

I do hope we both learned a few things. I did. It was not right for me to say mean things to him, to shame him, to make him lose his self-confidence and manipulate him with the argument that I left everything for him. I did not did on purpose of course.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Lotus...a great book for your husband to read is Iron John: A Book about Men by Robert Bly. It discusses a lot of some of the negative consequences of post feminism...that while it was a positive movement for women to overcome unchecked paternalism, many sons in 70's-80's were reared by well-meaning mothers that male aggression is a negative force...and what resulted was several generations of men who grew up passive, not wanting to be come the "evil" domineering male chauvinist pig so vilified. The book talks about the important of initiation.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Thanks Formerself, I'll get the book for him.

So tomorrow is my last day at work. 
He said there is no hurry, why not take my time and find a job I really like? 

He even suggested I take all summer, and as he's due lots of vacation days he could be around a lot....

I'd like it, especially since we got the spark back in the bedroom, but I just do not feel okay with not working and spending his money. Feel like a gold-digger. 

But our daughters would love it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissToxic said:


> So. You really quit because of your control-freak of a husband.
> Do you realize we're in 2013? He cannot tell you what to do.
> I only tried to HELP you for God's sake!!! You were miserable. I wanted you to have a bit of fun, nothing worth reacting like you and your stupid husband did.
> 
> ...


Exactly. This is what a toxic buddy sounds like in the ear of your spouse. I had the devil on one shoulder the angle on the other, back in my younger and cheating days. Cheating creates a ton of carnage...

Of course your cheating boys, are going to provide you a great environment to cheat in. Give you all the motivation and support you need. Tell you the wife won't find out, cover up and be in her face knowing the dirty secrets. And when they finally get their pleasure of breaking the relationship, and you need someone to lean on - they will not be there. If you have any sense, you will be like I split this relationship up for what? Because XYZ said so?

I wonder if she has any friends who are friends of relationships.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hmmm....this seems a little trolly to me now.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> He was more into it when we were dating, but I have always been the most sexual one. It really sucks. I even thought about having an affair. A co-worker has been flirtimg with me and wrote me an e-mail, stating all the things he'd like to do to me. And it's like all the things I dream about. Now when I see him I am burning with lust.
> But I did not sleep with him, I don't want to betray my husband.


On this board, we call those notes by your friend to be "cheating".... You don't let anyone disrespect your spouse like this. When you accept it you are saying you don't take your relationship serious - unless you and your husband are swingers.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

You get another job. Not quit working.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

WTF?

I worked from home today. I never take my ipad in the office.

I don't kmow what kind of a sad person you are. If this is your idea of a joke, I am not impressed.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

If someone had that much mess going on in the office, they get another job. Maybe not quit right away, but you quit another job because it's bad energy in there and it also can create insecurity or bad energy in the other spouse.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Thanks for the advices everyone. Well, the real ones. 

Too many weirdos on the Internet.
My husband and I will go on with our lives. 

No idea who MissToxic is.... But I am done with asking for help on the Internet. Scary....


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> it is a potential criminal charge if the other guy presses charges. Personally, I'm a pacifist and I don't enjoy violence, but her H's willingness to protect what he loves by hurting any threat to his wife and marriage is exactly the kind of man most women are drawn to. Maybe he lost his temper, but I don't think losing his cool was a problem in this case, this scum was sexually pursuing his wife, he easily had it coming.
> 
> .


If he lost his cool, her H should have yelled or threatened, not punched and broken a nose. That is assault and illegal and there is no defense that would hold up in court. You aren't legally allowed to punch someone because they try to seduce your spouse. Her H could go to jail.
I like the rest of what he did though. I normally don't like controlling men but I have to agree that getting away from those toxic people permanently is a very good thing and she should find a new job, especially since it doesn't sound as if she was overly attached to it or in a position of great responsibility there such as a VP or director.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lotus22 said:


> Thanks for the advices everyone. Well, the real ones.
> 
> Too many weirdos on the Internet.
> My husband and I will go on with our lives.
> ...


MissToxic is a real buddy. They are out there, depending on your environment this viewpoint may be the norm!

What you can have is the most fruitful relationship than you thought you could before. Communication is the key. God bless you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Kari said:


> If he lost his cool, her H should have yelled or threatened, not punched and broken a nose. That is assault and illegal and there is no defense that would hold up in court. You aren't legally allowed to punch someone because they try to seduce your spouse. Her H could go to jail.
> I like the rest of what he did though. I normally don't like controlling men but I have to agree that getting away from those toxic people permanently is a very good thing and she should find a new job, especially since it doesn't sound as if she was overly attached to it or in a position of great responsibility there such as a VP or director.


It's not a good thing, but this event reversed years of being minimized in a camera flash of the eye. The husband may go to jail and he will get out. The key is his wife is with him 100%. They are even closer than ever, feelings have been restored that she wasn't even sure was there. How can you complain about the results.

Yelling to the guy would not have helped anything, especially if the wife defended her friend. It would have further reduced the husbands self worth.

I'm glad they are happy. I'm glad finally OM are getting a message not to mess with peoples families. It doesn't normally go down this way. Normally the wife allows the OM and "friends" to pile up on the husband. It's not fair at all.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lon said:


> it is a potential criminal charge if the other guy presses charges. Personally, I'm a pacifist and I don't enjoy violence, but her H's willingness to protect what he loves by hurting any threat to his wife and marriage is exactly the kind of man most women are drawn to. Maybe he lost his temper, but I don't think losing his cool was a problem in this case, this scum was sexually pursuing his wife, he easily had it coming.
> 
> as for the overnight change in her husbands sex drive, lotus should keep in mind that it is very new, and on the heels of a developing EA, it is borne out of insecurity, the problem is not fixed, it is simply on the right path to becoming more satisfying.
> 
> Keep up the honesty and transparency with your H lotus, there is a lot more in store for you, you did not marry a meek man at all, sounds like he knows how to take care of business and has just been too disengaged, you are seeing him when he is engaged and that is an attractive quality.


I have a feeling alot more "meat" has been restored in this husbands confidence than any of us could imagine. He has to remain on the path of being true to himself. The punch represented complete honesty and truth.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: SO unsatisfied sexually*



Kari said:


> If he lost his cool, her H should have yelled or threatened, not punched and broken a nose. That is assault and illegal and there is no defense that would hold up in court. You aren't legally allowed to punch someone because they try to seduce your spouse. Her H could go to jail.
> I like the rest of what he did though. I normally don't like controlling men but I have to agree that getting away from those toxic people permanently is a very good thing and she should find a new job, especially since it doesn't sound as if she was overly attached to it or in a position of great responsibility there such as a VP or director.


You seem to have missed the point of my comment. I agreed that yes he could face criminal charges, he weighed that consequence and decided to physically and violently escalate regardless. Nonetheless the other guy unarguably had it coming, and unless the severity of the assault was extreme or unrelenting, most reasonable judges should not imprison him over this minor infraction.

Yelling and empty threats would have been worse than simply ignoring the scum altogether, but neither would send as clear a message as confronting and willing to use a show of force.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Kari said:


> If he lost his cool, her H should have yelled or threatened, not punched and broken a nose. That is assault and illegal and there is no defense that would hold up in court. You aren't legally allowed to punch someone because they try to seduce your spouse. Her H could go to jail.


No one is going to jail. There won't be an assault charge - not with that email he sent. It's sexual harassment. Rest assured, he'll enjoy his broken nose rather than have that draped around his neck.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

treyvion said:


> It's not a good thing, but this event reversed years of being minimized in a camera flash of the eye. The husband may go to jail and he will get out. The key is his wife is with him 100%. They are even closer than ever, feelings have been restored that she wasn't even sure was there. How can you complain about the results.


Men who are willing to illegally use force should at least learn how to control someone without seriously injuring them such as using arm or wrist locks. You can inflict pain in a lock until the person begs for release, wouldn't that be better than breaking bones (and probably less jail time). But I agree with Faithful Wife, I would lose respect for my H if he committed physical assault unless it was a matter of physical self defense. There are other things her H could have done to the guy, maybe march into the office with the email and had copies to several managers complaining of sexual harassment. Even if the W had no plans to follow thru on charge of sexual harassment, telling several managers that, maybe email to VPs, would scare and embarrass him.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> unless the severity of the assault was extreme or unrelenting, most reasonable judges should not imprison him over this minor infraction.
> .


Wrong. A judge has to follow the law, and assault is assault whether he had it coming or not. It is not a minor infraction to break someone's nose. It could possibly even be felony assault with a year or more in jail. If the guy needs plastic surgery, there could be tens of thousands dollars judgment against him in a civil suit.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: SO unsatisfied sexually*



Kari said:


> Men who are willing to illegally use force should at least learn how to control someone without seriously injuring them such as using arm or wrist locks. You can inflict pain in a lock until the person begs for release, wouldn't that be better than breaking bones (and probably less jail time).


Hahaha, that would be hilarious "hey you, stop making sexual advances on my wife [proceeds to administer arm bar]" culprit: "uncle, uncle"

But seriously, that would be just as illegal, and would require her H to have enough strength and training. If force was involved, the effect needed would only be accomplished by striking.

Ftr, I've never once struck anyone in the face because I've never had reason to... in this case there is reason (even if it's not the coolest course of action).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I agreed that yes he could face criminal charges, he weighed that consequence and decided to physically and violently escalate regardless."


It should be understood by adults that making such a decision in the heat of the moment, doesn't always end up well. He "weighed that consequence"? There is no way an impulsive punch to the nose had been weighed for consequences.

Where I work, you cannot be hired if you have any mark on a criminal record. Would that consequence be worth it?

This isn't the wild west. We know men can duke each other out and we know what happens. To actually do it is simply asking for a criminal record and nothing more. My husband has sent men running from a simple glare. Obviously the man who got his nose punched in this case is a coward...why would he need to get punched in order for him to back off? Like what, he was going to fight the husband to try to "win" the wife? Yeah, right.

To me, as a woman, if I were the wife here, if my husband simply came and stood in the coward's face with his chest puffed out and told him off, that would be enough for me to know that my husband would physically protect me if necessary and he would get all the respect he deserved. If instead of just that, he punched the guy, I would actually lose respect for him in this case, since the husband wasn't being physically threatened at that moment.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> Hahaha, that would be hilarious "hey you, stop making sexual advances on my wife [proceeds to administer arm bar]" culprit: "uncle, uncle"
> 
> But seriously, that would be just as illegal, and would require her H to have enough strength and training. If force was involved, the effect needed would only be accomplished by striking.
> 
> Ftr, I've never once struck anyone in the face because I've never had reason to... in this case there is reason (even if it's not the coolest course of action).


If men must fight like it is the jungle or caveman days, I think being held in a lock in pain for a few minutes could make the guy feel humiliated and helpless. A lot less jail time, smaller fines, no risk of getting sued for plastic surgery, probably not a felony. Having a felony on your record is a big deal. Going to jail is a big deal. People need to weigh all the possible consequences before throwing punches.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dubsey said:


> No one is going to jail. There won't be an assault charge - not with that email he sent. It's sexual harassment. Rest assured, he'll enjoy his broken nose rather than have that draped around his neck.


He should also get the sexual harrassment charge pressed.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I agreed that yes he could face criminal charges, he weighed that consequence and decided to physically and violently escalate regardless."
> 
> 
> It should be understood by adults that making such a decision in the heat of the moment, doesn't always end up well. He "weighed that consequence"? There is no way an impulsive punch to the nose had been weighed for consequences.
> ...


What I was saying what normally goes down in these situations... Is that the wife sides with the "friend" and the husband ends up either looking like an a$$ or a coward...

Also in many cases it's not for the husband to "win" his own wife. The other guy already has her.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

treyvion said:


> He should also get the sexual harrassment charge pressed.


only if the assault charge comes up. eye for an eye in this case. 2 wrongs don't make a right, but they sure as hell keep either party from pursuing action against the "wrong" they suffered.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Lon said:


> it would be worth going to court to defend my actions over, even if it meant the charges stuck (but I'd fight that harder than I'd fight the scumball).
> 
> To be clear, my purpose for confronting wouldn't be to inflict injury or pain, my goal wouldn't be to go hit the scumbag, my goal would be to get him to decist with pursuing my wife and to demonstrate that i'd stop at nothing to make it impossible for him.


Stop at nothing? Murder?

You should know that if you punched someone first, there is no way you can 'fight the charges' or 'defend your actions' unless you lie and say he tried to punch you first. There is no 'but he was a scumbag' legal defense. If you drove over to someone's house to confront him over a grievance, it isn't just a spur of the moment fight, it could be considered premeditated assault.

I'm not impressed by men who don't have self-control, who think being angry justifies violence, who don't weigh the consequences of their actions, and who don't understand the law.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Kari said:


> Stop at nothing? Murder?
> 
> You should know that if you punched someone first, there is no way you can 'fight the charges' or 'defend your actions' unless you lie and say he tried to punch you first. There is no 'but he was a scumbag' legal defense. If you drove over to someone's house to confront him over a grievance, it isn't just a spur of the moment fight, it could be considered aggravated assault.
> 
> I'm not impressed by men who don't have self-control, who think being angry justifies violence, who don't weigh the consequences of their actions, and who don't understand the law.


Who says we have to "impress" anyone?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: SO unsatisfied sexually*



Kari said:


> Stop at nothing? Murder?
> 
> You should know that if you punched someone first, there is no way you can 'fight the charges' or 'defend your actions' unless you lie and say he tried to punch you first. There is no 'but he was a scumbag' legal defense. If you drove over to someone's house to confront him over a grievance, it isn't just a spur of the moment fight, it could be considered premeditated assault.
> 
> I'm not impressed by men who don't have self-control, who think being angry justifies violence, who don't weigh the consequences of their actions, and who don't understand the law.


Fist fights are occurring by the thousands every day across America, most of then for even more ridiculous reasons than this, and in every one of those instances someone threw the first punch. And those punches are not purely from lack of self-control, they are deliberate. Every one of those is criminal, just like smoking pot is, yet it still happens in vast numbers.

Yes I would stop at nothing to keep other men from disrespecting my wife and my marriage, but there are many more steps along the path before I'd arrive at murder, thankfully we have laws that would almost guarantee it would never get to that. If somehow all those other avenues were exhausted I would have little choice wouldn't I? Of course I don't like the consequences I'd face, so I'm glad I live in a society that doesn't require me to go to that extent. However society does require me to get my hands dirty sometimes, it is a lesson all of us learn in high school at some point or another.


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## Lotus22 (May 19, 2013)

Well, a lot of emotions since my first comment....
I feel exhausted now. 

And no, I did not lose all respect for my husband after what he did. Does not mean that I agree with it, but it is done now. 

Spent all afternoon trying to find who is the person who wrote those nasty comments. I do not appreciate being called an airhead on the Internet. 

Doing so I talked to my coworkers. Both deny it of course. 
He said he won't press charges against my husband. He was worried about his job, asking that I keep quiet aout his email. 

(For those of you who wondered, I did tell my H that I talkes ro them). 

My friend (or ex-friend) told me things that sound a lot like those horrible things written here.... And I also wonder if SHE has a crush on me also.... 

Now, I think I'll just go along with my H idea to take the summer off. We often talked about renting a house in Finland, so I think now is the time.... 

Again, thanks everyone for your help. I am just sad that it ended with someone thinking it is okay to write those things.... 

Best of luck for all of you.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Can I suggest Athol Kay's MMSLP for your husband? 

Good Luck to you and I'm sure the kids would love a summer in Finland.


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