# Confused



## Ama19 (May 2, 2020)

My husband has been acting so strange lately, probably for the last couple years but more so since we had our son a year ago. Now we have 2 1/2 week old twins...

My husband has PTSD, diagnosed. He is a retired police officer and has been home since July 2018. He laid a couple friends/coworkers to rest which is what caused him to be gone with police work. He is since on Zoloft and just recently has been placed on a medication that is supposed to be for PTSD.

He does does talk about things with me, we honestly don’t have open communication. On my end we do, but he gets annoyed and opinionated by whatever it is I talk about. He keeps his fears, problems etc to himself. He sleeps ALL the time, he is always tired or complaining that his back hurts or he doesn’t feel good. I’ve learned by now that most of the time these are excuses so he can lay down and sleep. He is a night owl and stays up really late ‘claiming’ he will take care of the babies which ends up meaning I have to take care of them by myself during the day. He is very lazy, and please understand, I’m not just trying to complain about him, sadly if you were a fly on the wall you would be wondering how and why I have put up with this for so long. He puts me down, looks at me in disgust when I talk, shows no interest in anything I talk about and at times will even talk over me or ignore me, most of the time though he will say something complete opposite of how I feel or he will put down my views. My confidence is low, probably nonexistent at this point. When we fight, he calls me names, bad names, I don’t curse at him. He will do this in front of the kids, including my nine year old son. My husband can get very mean, verbally abusive though denies that it’s verbal abuse, however being called trash, and curse words I don’t care to type, last I knew was verbal and emotional abuse. When he gets really upset, his eyes become huge, his face gets red and he clenches his fists at his side and yells at me, in my face. If I stand up for myself or my beliefs, this causes him to get this way. Most of the time, I swallow my opinions and beliefs and just take whatever meaness he throws my way because I don’t want him to get like that again. I could go on but I’ll leave the rest alone...

He sees a therapist but I don’t think he’s being honest with them about his behavior. He honestly has me so convinced sometimes that I’m the problem, that something is wrong with me and that I am stupid. He will even tell me I’m stupid when we argue and look at me like I’m stupid when we don’t argue. I’m so broken down, I don’t even know how to explain how I feel. Most days I want to crawl in a hole, or hide or run. I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave...I don’t have a job, I’ve been a stay at home mom for four years. We have three little ones as I mentioned before. The house isn’t even in my name, it’s his. I’ve got nothing. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I feel drained, lost, unsure of anything about myself, no confidence. How did I end up like this, how did I end up here? I thought he was my safety, my protector but now I don’t feel like that at all, I can’t turn to him for safety, I’m at the pout now where I can’t help but think he used me just to have kids, because he was 40 when we got married and 41 when we had kids, he’s never had either before and wanted kids so bad. Who am I to him? I find feel like I’m anything worthy at all. He once told my nine year old I was worth 25$ and not to tell me he said that.

I can't believe that I’ve gotten this vulnerable and weak. But really, where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? When it’s good, it’s good but I’m at rock bottom now, I’m drained, and I don’t want to cry anymore.
* I also want to mention that he is definitely depressed at times, it’s obvious. How tired he is and he looks dazed at times. I don’t want to give up on him, I do love him but I just want things to change, and get better, I want him to feel better so we can have a healthy marriage and a growing happy family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Ama19,*

I am so sorry to hear about all this. You are in a bad place. You know that. I've been through something similar, maybe I, and others here, can give you some support and help you.

Did your husband's abusive behavior only start after he got PTSD? Or has he exhibited this behavior before?

His PTSD and depression is no excuse for his mistreating you. Even if a person has those sorts of problems, it's their responsibility to act like a decent human.

I have some questions for you.

Do you have any family or friends hear you who can give you some emotional support?

My impression is that all of your are living on some sort of disability that your husband gets. Is that right?

Do you have access to the bank account and money? Or does he control that?


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## Ama19 (May 2, 2020)

Thank you for responding, especially so quick. I wasn’t sure how fast I would hear a response and was already hesitant on joining a site like this because putting my business out there. I appreciate your supportive and understanding response. I’m hoping to find the support that I need and encouragement. My mother-in-law, actually, is the one I’ve been turning to in the last several months, he used to take a lot of his anger out on her, and since him and I have been together, he isn’t as bad with her because he has me...

My mother-in-law has been encouraging me to join a support group whether in person or online, and since I’m very busy right now with all these kids, I figured online would be easier. She is very confidential, I don’t need to worry about her telling him anything because she really does understand and she’s very supportive. She loves her son, don’t get me wrong, but she understands what I’m going through because she too has seen his behavior. She stayed with us for the last two weeks when we brought the twins home, so she got to see in person behind closed doors what it’s like. She sees it. When she went home several days ago, I had the worst anxiety because she was leaving, I was honestly scared to be home by myself dealing with him and taking care of the kids if say we did fight.

Other than my mother-in-law, I have confided in my sister, who has in turn formed an opinion about him and I don’t think she likes him anymore now, so that definitely sucks. I haven’t said anything to anyone else.

The PTSD he was diagnosed with was while he was on the force several years ago though, actually longer than that, over six years ago, before we were together. I noticed things about his behavior then, when we were dating, certain types of people bother him and he gets very angry when he sees them or encounters them, and when he gets mad it’s very obvious, he’s very stubborn and he stands by his opinions and doesn’t like when anybody tries to tell him otherwise, there is a word for it but I can’t think of it. I know that even his friends noticed that he is this way, even his siblings notice it but everybody stands down and doesn’t confront him or pursue any argument with him.

We do live off of my husbands retirement. He refuses to go back to work right now, there is always an excuse which is fine I guess right now because then I have his help here with the babies. But he told me not to long ago that he “did his time and that it’s his time to rest and he doesn’t have to work”. I’ve mentioned going to work before and he mocks me or tells me to go to work then but I think he knows that I’d be too terrified to leave the kids. I was working two hours a day before having the twins but I no longer do that. And no, I don’t have any control over the bank account, it’s his. He won’t make it joint. I have my own checking and savings account and have him on mine, my choice, however the only money I have in there is whatever he puts in there when my car needs paid. If I need to run to the grocery store, he will let me take his card but I know that when I get home he will ask what I bought and if it was really necessary. Sadly, and pathetically, recently I applied for food stamps and got approved for $68 and honestly it excited me so much because I finally have money that I can spend even if it is on food for my family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like this behavior displayed by your husband is not new. You being the current target is what has changed.

Has your husband ever hit you, pushed, grabbed, or shoved you in anger? Does he do things like throw objects, punch wall, furniture, etc. when angry?

I am glad that you have at least two people you can confide in and who give you some support. 

Your husband controlling income is considered financial domestic abuse. 

You really need some counseling with someone who specializes in victims of domestic abuse. Many of the organizations who do this provide child care during counseling sessions.

I'm going to post what is called an exit plan that has suggestions of things you need to do to protect yourself and prepare to end the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

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Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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In Canada:
1-866-863-0511 (Toll Free)
416-863-0511 (Toronto)
I need counselling, health care, mental health or financial services

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It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps.

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *


Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.

Also check into legal aid in your area.

Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.

If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.

*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *

If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

your mail from the ‘safe address’
All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports,
Car title, social security cards, credit cards,
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
Titles, deeds and other property information
Medical records
Children's school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s.
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*

Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.
*Your safety Plan: *
You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand.

Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter.
Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.

If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.

Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse.

Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.

If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.

Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.

Hide an extra set of car keys.

Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”.

Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.

Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.

Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.

Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.

Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*


 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number.
Change your work hours and route taken to work.
Change the route taken to transport children to school.
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

​

 *If you leave the family home: *


Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.

Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.

Change your work hours, if possible.
Alert school authorities of the situation.
Consider changing your children's schools.
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
Talk to trusted people about the violence.
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.

Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.

Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.

Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.

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Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Either get a PO Box or use someone else's address like a friend of your's or family member. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

God, I'm so sorry. 

When my wife got PTSD a few years back, things got bad. She hit me, would throw things at me, yell at me, screaming out that she wanted a divorce and hated me. In front of the kids, too.

Like you, I gave her a ton of space because the PTSD wasn't her fault. It wasn't me she was mad at, I was just the only person that would stick around and take it. Part of PTSD is an attempt to control your situation, to project your pain and fear onto others. 

And by taking it, our children were terrified of her and terrified we were divorcing. So they were getting traumatized. And guess what? I got PTSD, too. 'Secondary PTSD.' So I ended up in therapy, too.

We were lucky and saw one of the most (if not the most) foremost PTSD therapists in the country. And within 15 minutes of us talking to her, she turned to me and said point blank something to the effect of "if you let her keep doing this, it won't make her happy and better. It will drive you away, and then you can't help her. And you'll have even more PTSD, because the more times it happens, the more it amplifies. You need to hold her accountable."

So I did. "Wife, this stops now or I leave." Every time she'd creep up to being abusive again, I'd tell her that again. And she responded. She needed to know where the limits are. It helped her.

It's ok to stand up for yourself and hold him accountable. It's OK to tell him you will have to leave if this doesn't stop. And it's OK to start making an exit plan to get out. Like calling a lawyer. Like doing everything @EleGirl says.

His PTSD is not your fault, and it doesn't mean he gets to abuse you. And you taking his abuse won't help him. And it will destroy you. He needs to give you access to his bank account. He needs to commit to getting better. He needs to understand that you can and will leave him.

There's also a book 'The body keeps the score.' If you have a kindle or e-book reader, I'll send you a copy, my treat - I know you don't have access to money. Just PM me where I can send it.


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## Ama19 (May 2, 2020)

Thank you all for your advice and tips. He has never hit me, no. I’ll definitely hang on to the helpful things you both have posted and pointed out, I appreciate, thank you. I’m not so sure I’m ready to walk away just yet, not sure what’s stopping me, if it’s the right or wrong reasons but I’m just not ready to leave yet. That probably sounds so pathetic. I’m glad I talk you all to talk to and lean on though, you’ve been so helpful for should or when I decide to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the end, what you do is your decision.

The best thing for you to do right now since you don't want to leave is to get help, perhaps some counseling, to help you figure out handle things so that you grow more assure of yourself and grow stronger.

And of course, you are welcome to post here for support all you want.


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