# Porn, addiction, confusion



## Violletta

When I married my husband, I knew he viewed porn but was surprised when I found out how much. I wasn't thrilled, but after time I began to understand why. I was raised conservative, but over time I changed and wasn't bothered too much. My views on sex became more liberal. I went thru the typical thoughts of thinking I wasn't good enough, begged him to stop, was upset, he hid it from me, I would find it later, he would pay for a trial but forget about it, I would find it, we would fight, etc. Things got better - he agreed not to pay and I agreed that if he did it for free and it didn't affect our sex life, I would not be upset. For the most part, years passed and it wasn't a problem. 

A couple years ago we went through a transistion in moving, job changes, weight gain for us both, he wasn't interested in sex much. I talked to him about it, he had been feeling down and worried about finding a new job. Things finally improved for him. Sex picked up, but I found he was looking at pics and videos on a dating site. I confronted him; he had made a log-in so he could view the videos but he was not looking to meet anyone. This raised a red flag; I had found out because I needed to use his computer. He left the site open and logged in. I saw that he had only went on there and looked at a video, he had made a log in but not created a real profile for himself with info or made contact so I let it go. I was surprised because he always doted on me and always told me how much he loved me and couldn't live without me and was so attracted to me. So, not to sound niave but it just didn't seem like the kind of man who would risk his marriage so I have not been worried.

Within a few months, our situation improved. We got great jobs, I lost a ton of weight. He has always found me physically attractive, has been very loving toward me. He tells me I am very hot, our sex life just keep improving and he desired me more and more. His job gives him a company vehicle with a GPS so he can only drive to and from jobs; he works with a supervisor so he cannot go off on his own so I don't worry about him meeting up with strangers. He does have a couple health issues that slows him down, and has commented that he hopes he dies before me because if not, he'd just kill himself if he ever lost me. 

So I was surprised when I had to use his computer yesterday, and stumbled across another dating site profile. He left himself logged in, and he had again filled it out, just basic. Log-in, his birthday, saying he would like a one-night-stand, his height which incorrect, making him shorter, no photos, nothing. It had some requests from girls, but none of them were answered. I worry because I don't think a happily married man would do this. He has over the past few months viewed a TON of porn. 

It shocks me because he tells me he loves me, constantly how hot I am, and how he can't live without me. I do know he would like more sex and he did tell me once he doesn't think I'm affectionate enough (I am not a cuddler and I do not say 'I love you' very often, - I am working on this. I am not a lovey-dovey person at all)

I have not talked to him about this. When I talked to him about this in the past, I do not do very well. I get tongue-tied and emotional, and I mess up. I don't want to fight. We tend to talk in circles, he denies it. I feel like I "scare him straight" for a few months, then later, it just repeats. 

I'm hoping someone maybe has some advice. I also thought taking some time, instead, then I could maybe approach later with a clear head. Also I thought, this sounds bad, but... I could maybe go on his computer later, a month later, and if I see anymore dating stuff and it was worse, then I could confront him. If not, instead maybe I could look into a counseling session for myself. He is against counseling, but maybe I could try to approach him on it. I also could work on being a better wife myself, and see if that helps. I feel maybe with the lack of affection on my part, maybe that is what is driving him to the computer. Not that I think I deserve the blame, but if I have to leave, I need time to get some counseling, select a lawyer, make a plan, figure out finances. I can't do it right now, and confrontations have never been a long-term solution.


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## Hope1964

You need to install a keylogger on his computer and find out exactly what he's up to. For all you know he's already meeting up for sex. And STOP with trying to 'nice' him out of it. You need to get pissed at him, not coddle him. Coddling him and 'trying to be a better wife' will just result in him getting deeper and deeper into it.

DO NOT just ignore this. You did good by not confronting yet because you don't have enough evidence - all he'll do is deny whatever you don't know. Now start snooping. Look into the keylogger, his bank accounts, credit cards, phone, everything. Find out the extent of what he's really doing and THEN confront him. Be ready to kick him out when you do. Since you get tongue tied, write down what you are going to say when you confront and don't let him interrupt - YOU call the shots on it, not him.

Please read the story of our R (link in my sig). *My husband did pretty much exactly what yours is doing.* You can NOT cower away from this - and you can NOT put up with it.


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## Violletta

Thanks for your reply. I have looked into his phone and all our accounts - I am the only one who has access. I haven't found anything in there. Thank you again for your advice, and you are right. I just haven't had the guts or the knowledge yet, of how to do this. I feel like anytime I've gotten angry and we've discussed this, it obviously hasn't worked. I can't kick him out because he won't leave. I can't make him, we are both on the house so I know he won't leave. I would probably leave. I am not sure how keyloggers work, but he makes it easy to look at his computer. I can look at the history and in his email very easily. I can look into any site he goes to and see if he contacts anyone. He does not delete history or logs out of anything. He doesn't think I would go on his computer at all.


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## Luluzinha

I have somewhat a familiar story, and I used to have keylogger on my husband computer. Things have changed and now he found out a way to do it on his iPad. He has a Mac too and you can easily leave the history on, since allowing not to track would raise a red flag. But he can delete the history site individually, so a person who is trying to cover his tracks will always find a way.

Also, on his iPad is either private or not, you can't delete only selective sites, so i found that he had forgotten the private browsing on for over a week, which it is obvious to me that he was doing what he is not supposed to.

My husband started to use the iPad when i used OpenDNS on his computer, which pretty much blocks certain sites, you can configure, but from his iPad it doesn't work that way, so he doesn't get blocked.

I know that my husband signed on for a swingers website, he said it was only to look at pictures. I don't believe him, there is enough free porn out there, by signing up to a date site or swingers site, shows me that he is bored with the porn and might want to try the real thing.

At this point I can't really tell what is or isn't anymore, i am so exhausted from these issues that i just feel like ending our marriage. I would rather be alone then constantly worrying about it. I feel depressed, i cry all the time, i don't want to eat. I am exhausted.

Good luck!


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## now_awake

I agree that you can't nice him into changing. 

My H is in 12 steps now. He's not allowed to be in a room alone with a computer anymore. He no longer has a phone either.

These conditions are non-negotiable. If he stops going to meetings and being active in recovery, he knows he's out. But, fortunately for me, he knows this too. He can clearly see now that his is an addiction for life and he needs to stay vigilant. 

Living with an active addict will drive you insane. It's extremely unhealthy! Take steps to protect yourself. An addict not in recovery cannot see things clearly.


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## Violletta

It's been about a week now.

I installed a keylogger, double checked his phone, all the accounts. Nothing has turned up. He looked at some pics and vids on the sites. I found 2 sites he did profiles on;(one he did not make a profile though just a log-in) I did research and they are usually full of bots and are fake. I went thru all his history and the keylogger results (or whatever you call it) and found nothing but a few views of some vids/pics that appear to not even be by a real member (bot-type not even local to our area)

He had half the day off yesterday and all day today and is at work tonight so I looked at what he did since he had a lot of free time. Just some searches and videos for ordinary porn, nothing. He hasn't returned to any dating sites. He hasn't done anything. Not that I won't continue to check around. Our phone bill shows everyone he texts and calls. I can get into his history at least once a week. It's exhausting though. But I've got nothing.

He's not behaving any different. Nothing seems out of the ordinary.
I don't know that we can afford, or that he'll agree to counseling... but... I know a few couples who have gone and many say a counselor suggest a specific book or 2, so I'm going to purchase them, and see if we can start there to open up communication and build trust.

I like to talk to him a little more about these issues but if I do he just denies it or makes an excuse. I did get the conversation toward boundaries; when we got together, there wasn't Facebook and a lot of things like this, so I did steer the conversation over to the fact that porn is one thing; but I don't condone sexting, internet dating, etc. 

I intend to check his history later and if the dating stuff is back bring it up then. Of course if I start to see texts and actual communication with someone that's a different story. I'll have proof and I'll hit him head on with it. If he cheated I won't forgive that. And he knows this, I made that clear as day.

I am sure some of you might think I'm stupid, but I am not going to just divorce him ASAP if I don't see that anything's been done. I have to have proof. I do know he is a terrible liar and if he is sleeping with someone I would find out. In addition, a couple weeks ago I was at the doctor - I am free of STDs (I have them test me in case of anything dormant from a past ex bf) so no worries there.


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## Hope1964

Continue monitoring him. Do you have access to the profile where he said he was looking for a one night stand?

He doesn't have a second phone by any chance does he?

It's good that you found nothing, but I think you should still insist that this be dealt with at some point. The fact he posted what he did on that one site would be enough for me to flip my lid.


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## Violletta

It would be difficult for him to have another phone. He would have to pay the bill. I see everyone of his paychecks, and the stubs, and I have access to them. I see how every cent goes in our account. I pay 100% of our bills and have 100% control over all of our accounts. If even a cent went to pay for something I didn't see, I'd know. Even if he withdrew cash to pay for a bill like a pay as you go phone, I'd see the withdrawl. I'd ask him. He'd tell me. He doesn't do ATM withdraws or cashback. He tells me where all of the $ he spends goes. I know where every red cent we spend goes. I have all the control on that since we got married - he doesn't like to deal with money, so that's just how it goes. So if he had another phone, I don't know how he'd be paying for it. His job would never pay under the table. 

I do have access, yes - and a key logger and access to his computer. 

Anyway I also wanted to update that I talked to him about how I've been feeling and that I wanted to do some counseling and how I felt things could lead to something bad, and he's open to that and talking about trust and working on these issues. We are going to see someone soon.


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## Hope1964

I am glad he is open to counseling. Maybe you should bring up what you have discovered in the first appt?? I don't know, your call. But sooner or later he needs to be told that your relationship depends on him stopping all of these behaviours. He'll be pissed that you snooped, but oh well. Now you can see if his actions match his words over the next while.


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