# Was it cheating?



## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband of 2 years is a great, nice guy. 
But around May of this year I became curious when he left his iPod open and on still logged into his Facebook out.
I didn't think anything of it but I went ahead and looked. 
Not only had he been talking to his ex, but he was also saying how much he missed her. And sending her little hearts and whatever.
That broke my heart. And thinking of it to this day still burns like it was yesterday...so I confronted him about it. I asked him and he said yes, he had been talking to her and that it wasn't what I thought. That he had only wanted to make her feel like crap when her and her now husband R, (his ex best friend because she cheated on him with R) to come down to visit, and just call them out on everything thing they did to him.
The thing is, I found this to be life wasting and what hurt me the most was that he made me look stupid. No matter what his plan or intentions were, she thought and probably still thinks that my husband wanted her.

So he broke ties with those people. Both her and him.

Soon afterwards, I couldn't help myself but have to peek at his phone while he wasn't looking, or when he was in the shower or when he was asleep. Ever since the whole ex thing, I couldn't sleep right. A month later, I decided to take a look at his phone while he slept, early in the morning, the sun wasn't up yet.
There was texts from a very familiar number. A number that I have texted before.

See, I'm a photographer and sometimes I tend to keep in contact or become friends with the people I take photos of. This number was one of my former clients, a cute girl, about 18 years old.

And there they were, texting how much she wished she could lay down with him and count his lashes and how he dreamt of kissing her. She had even came to visit him at work and he stated that he was shy and nervous.

I could hardly believe this, going on again.

What hurts is that we went to counseling and we hardly made the effort to go back even though it felt awesome to go that first day.

Perhaps we are not both in it? But we want it to work.

I'm not perfect, I developed a crush on a married friend of his but I know it would never go further. it's just a stupid crush and whats more is that i'm sure he likes me. But that is all. I do feel like crap for even having such feelings but my husband went so far as to text this other girl. and tell her he wanted to kiss her. 

I'm so confused. I feel bad because of what he did, but i feel like a bad wife because i have a crush.


I don't know why he would do that to me, because i thought everything was ok. He says that I didn't pay attention to him but I have college and work and I'm stressed because we are so far behind on bills, I can hardly breathe.

Someone help. I don't know what to do at this moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

In the case of your crush on the friend, do you talk to this person? text him? etc?

In your husband's case, yes he's cheating. It's at least an emotional affair (EA).

Do you want to end your marriage or try to recover it?


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## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm 24 and he's 25. No I don't text this person nor do I have a desire, we talk but only when we double date and it's nothing really. We all talk to each other as friends and I have no issue with this. i enjoy talking and hanging out with other couples. 
And I want to make my marriage work but I find myself thinking that I'm a failure and that I'm failing at my marriage and that this would be my fault.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

yeah this aint good

leave


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot repair your marriage until he ends his contact with this girl and any other woman he's doing this with. Does he use a computer at home for email and social media?

Tell him that either he ends all contact with this girl or he has to leave NOW and you will file for divorce.

The way to do no contact is that he has to write a no-contact letter. There are examples of them around here. Then with you he mails/emails it to her. And after that he ends all contact with her.

You are free to call her and tell her to back off. 

Then there has to be complete transparency. He has to give you the passwords all of his online accounts, his cell, and he has to account for his time.

You are not a failure. Has he told you specifically what needs of his are not being met? Has he told you what he needs from you? You cannot meet someone needs if they keep running out to have others meet them.

Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They will tell you how to affair proof your marriage. You will also benefit from reading “Surviving an affair” by Dr. Harley.


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## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

thank you elegirl! and for your links, I know I will find them helpful.
Yeah, he has ended connection as far as i know of. I still sneak on his phone. No computer, no Facebook either. I have those passwords. 
He wants compassion from me. But how can I be when I'm so stressed and I told him that. He just didn't understand but I can't always be giddy and happy go lucky all the time with such heavy burdens. I'm trying to finnish school to better both of our lives and this is how he repays me, just because i wasn't paying attention enough.
and I honestly thought we were ok, sure we had rough edges here and there but this was the last thing on my mind. 

p.s.
i did tell her off, that same day i found out, i sent her text that I would forward all of those texts to her boyfriend. She has never bothered me or him since.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ninasky01 said:


> thank you elegirl! and for your links, I know I will find them helpful.
> Yeah, he has ended connection as far as i know of. I still sneak on his phone. No computer, no Facebook either. I have those passwords.
> He wants compassion from me. But how can I be when I'm so stressed and I told him that. He just didn't understand but I can't always be giddy and happy go lucky all the time with such heavy burdens. I'm trying to finnish school to better both of our lives and this is how he repays me, just because i wasn't paying attention enough.
> and I honestly thought we were ok, sure we had rough edges here and there but this was the last thing on my mind.
> ...


Good for you for sending that to her. I did the same thing and more when I found out about my husband's infidelity.

You might want to start by reading "Surviving and Affair". It's a quick read and will tell you what you need to do about all this. The other books are then good follow ons that will help you recover your marriage and affair proof it.

How much time a week do you and your husband spend together doing date-like things ... like going for a walk, talking, dinner out, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The both of you need to give each other complete transparency to each others email, text,phone.

The idea that you are sneaking looks is sonething both of you should put aside and instead ope up to one another. This keeps FB and cellphones from becoming secret private ways to start commication that can quickly cross boundaries.

And on the boundaries topic, both of you need to have a serious tslk about what boundaries with the opposite sex are acceptable. Or starters I would say :

- if you start crushing on someone else, you pull back from the someone else immediately. 

- no private or secret friendships with the opposite sex

- flirting nope

- sexting nope

- pics nope

Edit to add...

Oh and no texting with members of the opposite sex that you meet. Look, guys who you need and who just start texting you ARE trying to pic you up, and the same thing with girls with him.

Its not that you can't talk to the opposite sex but you do need to realize that a key part of opposite sex interaction is seeking out partners, it's just biology at work. You can ave friends but you need to always work at recognizing when it's taking a turn from chit chat to more, and to immediately stop it.


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## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Good for you for sending that to her. I did the same thing and more when I found out about my husband's infidelity.
> 
> You might want to start by reading "Surviving and Affair". It's a quick read and will tell you what you need to do about all this. The other books are then good follow ons that will help you recover your marriage and affair proof it.
> 
> How much time a week do you and your husband spend together doing date-like things ... like going for a walk, talking, dinner out, etc.




I think we try to spend at least once to twice a week together. Like two days, when we are both off of course, or when i have the night off from work. We do spend time together.


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## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The both of you need to give each other complete transparency to each others email, text,phone.
> 
> The idea that you are sneaking looks is sonething both of you should put aside and instead ope up to one another. This keeps FB and cellphones from becoming secret private ways to start commication that can quickly cross boundaries.
> 
> ...



Thanks, Shaggy.

No, I don't text this other person. I hardly talk him and I have no desire to further it more. 

He cut all ties, he's choice to delete his Facebook and so on. 

I honestly think he doesn't see what he did is defined as cheating. To me, it is. I questioned if it was or wasn't but getting more insights from others, I can see that it was a definite emotional affair, wether he would like to admit that or not. He does, however, feel like what he did was wrong.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

I am dealing with almost the same exact thing. My problem is that now that they both know I'm checking is text email and Facebook that they are just finding other means of communicating. She offered to lay low til things cooled down for him. So I'm concered that's what they are doing. Are you having trouble trusting?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> yeah this aint good
> 
> leave












Not nessesarily leave, but def address the issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ninasky01 said:


> I think we try to spend at least once to twice a week together. Like two days, when we are both off of course, or when i have the night off from work. We do spend time together.


I was asking more for the number of hours you spend together.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things in order to maintain the bond and feelings of 'in love'. This is time with just the two of you doing things that are fun.. not house cleaning, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ninasky01 said:


> Thanks, Shaggy.
> 
> No, I don't text this other person. I hardly talk him and I have no desire to further it more.
> 
> ...


He might have a problem seeing it as an affair because a lot of people think that affair = sex. They are not yet aware of the devistation that an emotional attachment to another person can have on a marriage.

He also might not think of it as an affair because there might not have even been an emotional attachment on his part... only trying to get into her pants and he had not accomplished that yet.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> He wants compassion from me. But how can I be when I'm so stressed and I told him that. He just didn't understand but I can't always be giddy and happy go lucky all the time with such heavy burdens. I'm trying to finnish school to better both of our lives and this is how he repays me, just because i wasn't paying attention enough.


He's cheated on you with his ex and with the 18 year old - at least emotionally. He doesn't deserve your compassion and he should feel grateful that you are prepared to reconcile. This can only take place, however, if he takes complete responsibility for his actions, agrees to complete transparency and stops attempting to blame shift onto you.

Regarding your crush, you haven't taken it any further than a mental fantasy, so IMO that isn't cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Regarding your crush, you haven't taken it any further than a mental fantasy, so IMO that isn't cheating.


I agree that if she has not taken it any further than it's not cheating and she has nothing to be ashamed of.

We cannot help our feelings, but we have complete control over how we act.

I had a crush on a good friend of ours when I was married. I had no control over the fact that for some reason I was very attracted to him. I never told anyone (until now) and I never acted on it. What was the point? I loved my husband and knew that it really meant nothing.


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## ninasky01 (Aug 4, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I am dealing with almost the same exact thing. My problem is that now that they both know I'm checking is text email and Facebook that they are just finding other means of communicating. She offered to lay low til things cooled down for him. So I'm concered that's what they are doing. Are you having trouble trusting?



Yes, trust is big issue. Before, I had complete trust, that is why i was so shocked. This is why i can't help myself to check his phone on regular and i hate that i feel like i have to because i can't control that feeling of "what if"

He states he never had any emotional bond or sexual fantasy bond or whatever with them. He would "pretend" like he was talking to me. I think this is crap but whatever. I have already told him that if this happens again that i'm leaving.


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