# "Trickle Truth"



## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

How do those (like myself) that decide to work things out handle Trickle Truths when they come? I know that either today on the phone, tonight in person, or the very least tomorrow I am going to get more information from her. Most of it I already figured by putting two and two together, but it is still going to suck hearing it all from her. I am just wondering how the rest of you grit your teeth and thank the DS for sharing with out blowing up. Should I warn her I might need to take another long walk again tonight?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have you discussed the concept of "trickle truth" with her? Explain that hearing something new every day makes you dread what you'll find out tomorrow, and next week, and next month, etc.,

Try telling her that you would rather have the band-aid ripped off all at once. Ask her if you can set aside some time in the evening or on a weekend where she can come clean with any info she thinks might be important, and where she will agree to answer any and all questions from you. 

Explain that this will help you BOTH begin to get past things quicker if everything is out on the table.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Have you discussed the concept of "trickle truth" with her? Explain that hearing something new every day makes you dread what you'll find out tomorrow, and next week, and next month, etc.,
> 
> Try telling her that you would rather have the band-aid ripped off all at once. Ask her if you can set aside some time in the evening or on a weekend where she can come clean with any info she thinks might be important, and where she will agree to answer any and all questions from you.
> 
> Explain that this will help you BOTH begin to get past things quicker if everything is out on the table.


In not so many words I kind of did that already. She at first will tell me she does not remember anything more. Then I find out or she lets it slip and says she did not want me to find out and pull away/give her the cold treatment. I am hoping tonight, or even over the phone while she is on break from work (that way I have time to calm down, and thank her later). I know over the phone is not the best, but i figured it would be better then her seeing my face if I find out something dreadful.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

My biggest mistake was overreacting to the info she gave me.
She needs to feel "safe" to real all to you.

DON'T react or show anger.

You really need to think about how what questions you want answered first.
I suggest that you and her sit together to decide what must be discussed.
I would suggest LESS is better.
You CANNOT un-ask a question.

WARNING WARNING....I asked questions that I am sorry I asked.
ASSUME that if it was sexual...that all sexual bases were covered.
i.e. Did you swallow, 69, mult positions, how much did u like it, was he better, bigger, wider, faster, slower.....are NOT good questions in my opinion.
Don't get into COMPARISONS.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just as a side note, beware that when she does give you information, there is a good chance she will want to explain "why" also, which can be hard to want to hear at first. I would suggest if it gets to be too much of a talk about the "reason" for the affair maybe you should redirect to the info you want right now. I found out with the husband that for us getting all the information out was the first thing I needed. THEN I could start to hear about the WHY. Then we could finally start to heal. Make any sense??


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Still trying to find out the truth sometimes its hard


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Bluesky-Could have used that advise 2 weeks ago lol. I am pretty sure I found out all the gritty details on the physical side of things. Right now are the little details leading up to, and around it.
Like "who first mentioned the sex", "what kind of stuff did you two talk about after you ran into the room to put the daughter back to sleep", "what was said certain nights". 
There are only 2 nights they talked that she says she does not "remember" it was short, maybe 10 texts long each. but still worries me, and what was said before and after.

DawnD-I understand. In a way I want to know some of the whys. But yes, it makes total sense.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually suggest that you memorize this (I'm serious): 

"Thank you for telling me the truth. I really appreciate that you are willing to be open with me. As you might imagine, that was pretty hurtful to hear so I am going to think about it. May I have a moment to myself please?" Then move as if you are going to go upstairs or to the den or whatever. 

Part of the problem many loyals have is that they'll say "I want the truth! Just tell me the truth! Why won't you tell the truth?" and then when the disloyal thinks "Okay I'll give it a try and see what happens" and they tell the truth....the loyal FREAKS OUT and yells and screams, maybe even calls names! Know what the disloyal learns? The lesson is that telling the truth results in rage and name calling so "don't do that again!" If you really DO want your disloyal to tell you the truth, some of it is going to hurt and some will be stuff you don't want to hear...and you need to at the very least make it safe for them to be honest. That will encourage more honesty. 

And yeah--I know that it is extremely difficult to say "Thank you for telling me the truth. Let me think about that" when it was something really painful. But here's the good news: you got THE REAL TRUTH and you can work with the real truth. Okay?


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah I Hear you Affaircare, for the most part I have been good about it. The biggest issue is when I sit home and think about it all day. I end up texting her about it all day. I need to learn to not do that.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yep--and I have a suggestion. When you sit home and start to think about it, have a topic or interest PLANNED that will distract you from that. 

For a few examples: 
When your brain wanders to thinking about the affair, and you have the urge to text her...tell yourself you're going to wait 15 minutes. You can wait that long right? Then in 15 minutes...just challenge yourself to wait 15 minutes more. 

When your brain wanders to thinking about the affair (reliving the trauma of the past) you really NEED to get pulled back here into the present. So have some things around you that will engage your senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, taste) and use them to stop "the movies about the past" and bring you here -- to the present. So when you start reliving the movie of them together, grab a teddy bear and feel it's fur. Does it have button eyes? Is there a pattern in the fur? Turn on a song and sing to it--something a little lively but not a "blues" song or "she done me wrong" song...something like "I can see clearly now the rain is gone" or "Look on the bright side of life" from Monty Python (it's sort of silly) or "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor! LOL (Yes we killed disco but there are times it can be useful :lol BTW...no one is looking so you can dance to it  

So you're not a teddy bear kinda guy? Okay get up and go make yourself a cup of aromatic herbal tea or a warm cup of coffee. Grind the beans and smell that wonderful smell as you brew it. Taste the favor or the cream if you add some. See how that pulls you OUT of the traumatic past and into the present...which is "not so bad"? I mean, yes what occurred was bad but in the present, right here, right now, she has come back and said she wants to work on the marriage. Right now, she's home and loves you enough to work on it. Here in the present, she's trying to save things. 

(Much better than dwelling back there in the trauma, isn't it?)


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Good idea thank you affaircare! i will try stuff like that out!


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> Good idea thank you affaircare! i will try stuff like that out!


I'm new here but have been searching for the same answers you have. I too am finding out calmness helps. I have stayed pretty calm during the question and answer periods but i do suppose my facial expressions give me away somewhat. I was probably able to get the most information from letting my wife write down what happened. She had difficulty but said it was easier than having to look in my face. Best of luck to you on this.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Bigwayneo said:


> How do those (like myself) that decide to work things out handle Trickle Truths when they come? I know that either today on the phone, tonight in person, or the very least tomorrow I am going to get more information from her. Most of it I already figured by putting two and two together, but it is still going to suck hearing it all from her. I am just wondering how the rest of you grit your teeth and thank the DS for sharing with out blowing up. Should I warn her I might need to take another long walk again tonight?


I am living several hours away as I started a new position but the affair started long before this. I come home on the weekends. Since I started posting here I have not told my whole story. It was much worse that I imagined. d-day was Nov. 29th though it was much earlier than that it just happened to be the day my sons and I confronted her. I am getting trickle truth and I am tired of it. I told her over and over again to tell me everything and she says she did. Then I arrive back in the City (where I work) on Sunday Dec. 18th and ask her a question on Monday (Dec. 18th). She thinks a while and says I will call you back. 2 hours later she is confessing that she was holding back some information. I went off on her off on her that entire day by phone and I mean I went really off on her. Then tonight she tells me she is going to church with my son and his girlfriend's family. She has not been in church for and this is a good thing. Then wham, I found out more stuff and here I am sitting waiting for her to get back from church shaking. Hell, she just called and I said I will call her back. I was going to go home for Christmas because my boys (age 25 and 27) want me there. Now I do not know what I am going to do. I told her I will call her right back. I just need to keep breathing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Much worse than you imagined? It usually is unfortunately. 

You're having multiple DDays and I'm so sorry you'e in this situation. I hope you can get through this without self medicating with alcohol again.


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