# How to react to him threatening to leave



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Second time in less than two weeks we've gotten into a fight and he said something along the lines of "if this keeps up then I'll just leave." 

The first time I told him to quit threatening that and he said it wasn't a threat but a promise. Last night he said it again and I blew up and told him to pack up his stuff and get out. It ticked him off even more but I didn't care. I'm tired of hearing him say that. My mother says I shouldn't have responded that way but what do I do now? We haven't spoken since and he spent the night on the couch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I think you did right thing. Hold your ground.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What are the fights about?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tell him that either both of you commit to fixing it or choose to go you're seperate ways before you each wind up truly hating each other


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Tell him that either both of you commit to fixing it or choose to go you're seperate ways before you each wind up truly hating each other


:iagree:...that behavior is ridiculous


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Emerald said:


> What are the fights about?


Various things. He's got anger problems and small things set him off and he exaggerated. He thinks I don't listen to him and mock him which is what he was referring to. But last nights fight was about me coming home after work and doing "nothing" while he slaves away all day around the house. I believe him now being the one not working is getting to him. I understand where he was coming from but he went about it all wrong and started the conversation aggressively which is why I didn't respond well. I told him there was another war of bringing it up calmly and he said "oh now you think you're Dr. Phil?" 

Last night I was too angry to care but now I'm sitting here at work in tears.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

With threats to leave or threats to divorce, you have no choice but to call their bluff. That's unacceptable behavior in a so-called committed relationship/partnership. It's extremely insensitive and selfish. It's a control tactic and no one in a partnership should control their partner.

If he continues to do this, tell him to leave and then when he balks, MAKE HIM LEAVE. You will not tolerate this behavior and he needs to know it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> Second time in less than two weeks we've gotten into a fight and he said something along the lines of "if this keeps up then I'll just leave."
> 
> The first time I told him to quit threatening that and he said it wasn't a threat but a promise. Last night he said it again and I blew up and told him to pack up his stuff and get out. It ticked him off even more but I didn't care. I'm tired of hearing him say that. My mother says I shouldn't have responded that way but what do I do now? We haven't spoken since and he spent the night on the couch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, you did the right thing. 

I had an almost exact issue. After my husband's TBI, every time we had a disagreement he would say I'm leaving. I told him the next time he said it he better mean it.

He doesn't say it anymore.

You ARE doing the right thing...just be able to back it up if he does leave. Mean what you say also.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm now hurt over (last night I just didnt give a sh!t and if he had really left I would have just shrugged) but now he's just all about his feelings and what I said to him. We've only been married a year and I want this to work so I wanna reason with him. We moved 2,000 miles a month ago for my job and I was hoping for a new beginning but with recently being medically discharged from the army and now me being in serving as the main source of income, he isn't adjusting too well. 

I'm not making excuses for him but I understand how it could bother him and just wish he'd communicate better.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Nope, you did the right thing.
> 
> I had an almost exact issue. After my husband's TBI, every time we had a disagreement he would say I'm leaving. I told him the next time he said it he better mean it.
> 
> ...


TBI is a curse, I tell you. He sees a psychiatrist and a therapist but they don't seem to be helping much.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> Various things. He's got anger problems and small things set him off and he exaggerated. He thinks I don't listen to him and mock him which is what he was referring to. But last nights fight was about me coming home after work and doing "nothing" while he slaves away all day around the house. I believe him now being the one not working is getting to him. I understand where he was coming from but he went about it all wrong and started the conversation aggressively which is why I didn't respond well. I told him there was another war of bringing it up calmly and he said "oh now you think you're Dr. Phil?"
> 
> Last night I was too angry to care but now I'm sitting here at work in tears.


I'm sorry that you are so sad.

He doesn't fight fairly so resorts to childish threats.

This will be hard for you - but no more fighting! It takes two to fight & you need to stop engaging no matter how much he pisses you off.

It's like with teenagers throwing tantrums, the worst thing a parent can do is ENGAGE.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> I've dealt with repeated threats of separation/divorce before. Partners do this for two reasons: either as emotional blackmail *to control you *or because they really are that uncommitted to the relationship. In my experience, it's usually the former.


:iagree:


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm going to concure. You simply cannot put up with emotional blackmail. The next time he says it, I'd help him pack...


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

"After my husband's TBI" - what is TBI? Sorry.

Septic - you did well. Hopefully he will see that you will not put up with that unfair faighting tactic. All is NOT fair in love and war.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

my husband and I do this all of the time. It means nothing and we have started seeing it as meaning "I am so angry right now or hurt right now that I just wish you weren't here in front of me"

It's when he sits you down out of nowhere in rational conversation to explain to you that he is leaving and the reasons for it that you have to worry. In my experience, maybe mine only I dunno.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

tbi - Tramatic Brain Injury


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> my husband and I do this all of the time. It means nothing and we have started seeing it as meaning "I am so angry right now or hurt right now that I just wish you weren't here in front of me"
> 
> It's when he sits you down out of nowhere in rational conversation to explain to you that he is leaving and the reasons for it that you have to worry. In my experience, maybe mine only I dunno.


You might be right. I sought advice from my supervisor because he saw how distraught I was. He said it doesnt mean anything and it's just him saying that to hurt me in the heat of the moment. I'm just sick of threats. I hate hearing them and I hate using them. 

However when the fight died down he began to get a little emotional. He sounded choked up and when I looked at him his eyes were red with tears. I didn't know what to say and just shut up for the rest of the evening. Any other time I would have gotten up to comfort him but I was too angry (and shocked) to care at the time. 

Now that everything's said and done and it's a new day, what do I do and say to him when I get home?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Second time in less than two weeks we've gotten into a fight and he said something along the lines of "if this keeps up then I'll just leave."
> 
> The first time I told him to quit threatening that and he said it wasn't a threat but a promise. Last night he said it again and I blew up and told him to pack up his stuff and get out. It ticked him off even more but I didn't care. I'm tired of hearing him say that. My mother says I shouldn't have responded that way but what do I do now? We haven't spoken since and he spent the night on the couch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your mother is wrong, waaay wrong.

Next time he does it don`t just tell him to leave and then let him stay on the couch.
Pack him a bag and kick him out.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I'm sorry that you are so sad.
> 
> He doesn't fight fairly so resorts to childish threats.
> 
> ...


Correct. I was told that no matter how mad I get to avoid raising my voice and remaining calm. I used to do that but felt like I had no voice and began fighting back. He doesn't like the "new" me.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your mother is wrong, waaay wrong.
> 
> Next time he does it don`t just tell him to leave and then let him stay on the couch.
> Pack him a bag and kick him out.


If it continues long enough like for months I may have to resort to doing that. Before we married I was aware of his problems. He even invited me to a few sessions at this therapist. I thought I would be strong and be there for him. I might have overestimated myself because at times I feel like he's wearing me down. And last nights fight showed it. I'm always calm, cool, and collected. I never throw anything or swear at someone out of anger. But I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My ex used to do this all the time.

One day I told him to file the paperwork beause I was done with hearing about it.

It is emotional blackmail. He does it because he knows it upsets you. Someone who loves you and fights fair would not do that.

Call him out on it.

The fact you say he has other anger issues doesn't surprise me at all. He sounds emotionally immature.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> My ex used to do this all the time.
> 
> One day I told him to file the paperwork beause I was done with hearing about it.
> 
> ...



I was advised to just say ok and react neutrally when he threatens that. That way he'll see that it doesn't upset me and he will stop. Next time I will try that.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Update. I came home and he ignored me. I got dinner started and out if nowhere in the middle of me cooking he comes up and hugs and kisses me from behind. Bam. Acts like nothing happened like he always does. Deep down I knew it was gonna happen but I'm still left scratching my head. Worst fight we've ever had. But I'll take what I can get. We're back to being our crazy happy selves again...until next time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I got dinner started and out if nowhere in the middle of me cooking he comes up and hugs and kisses me from behind. Bam. *Acts like nothing happened like he always does.* Deep down I knew it was gonna happen but I'm still left scratching my head. Worst fight we've ever had. But I'll take what I can get. We're back to being our crazy happy selves again...until next time.


You are going to allow this to continue until you reach your saturation point. You have not yet reached that point. Of course he acts like nothing happened. He does not "own" or take responsibility for his controlling behavior.

Meanwhile, you suck it up and when the honeymoon phase begins again, you go along with it until the sh!t hits the fan somewhere down the road.

This dynamic will continue until someone gets sick enough of it to make it stop. What you are doing is not making it stop. He is hitting you with idle threats. You respond calmly.

HOWEVER ... you stop short of kicking his a$$ to the curb in order to allow him to decide if he really wants to leave or stay.

I would suggest you do one of two things: (1) continue to tolerate his threats; or, (2) show him you mean business and kick him out. 

Then allow him time to decide for himself whether or not he wants to get his act together. It will also sink into his head that you will not tolerate idle threats.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> You are going to allow this to continue until you reach your saturation point. You have not yet reached that point. Of course he acts like nothing happened. He does not "own" or take responsibility for his controlling behavior.
> 
> Meanwhile, you suck it up and when the honeymoon phase begins again, you go along with it until the sh!t hits the fan somewhere down the road.


The cycle of abuse. And I agree, she hasn't reached her max yet. 

OP, I don't pity you. I have been there before and it sucks. The fact he acts like nothing ever happened and like he didn't hurt your feelings is not good.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

SepticChange said:


> You might be right. I sought advice from my supervisor because he saw how distraught I was. He said it doesnt mean anything and it's just him saying that to hurt me in the heat of the moment. I'm just sick of threats. I hate hearing them and I hate using them.
> 
> However when the fight died down he began to get a little emotional. He sounded choked up and when I looked at him his eyes were red with tears. I didn't know what to say and just shut up for the rest of the evening. Any other time I would have gotten up to comfort him but I was too angry (and shocked) to care at the time.
> 
> Now that everything's said and done and it's a new day, what do I do and say to him when I get home?


Is he bi-polar by chance??? I'm not trying to be funny....am totally serious...I wonder.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Early in my marriage my husband threatened divorce when we argued: "Well, if I'm so awful, maybe we should just get divorced." After a half dozen of these zingers over a few years, I finally quietly asked him if that's what he wanted. I told him that it wasn't what I wanted; I just wanted to address some of our issues. But...if he really wanted to call in a nuclear strike on our marriage because of an argument, then I needed to know that. If it was true, then I would give him the divorce. I said this very calmly & was non-threatening. He considered what I said and apologized. That was the last time he threatened divorce to make me back down.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> Various things. He's got anger problems and small things set him off and he exaggerated. He thinks I don't listen to him and mock him which is what he was referring to. But last nights fight was about me coming home after work and doing "nothing" while he slaves away all day around the house. I believe him now being the one not working is getting to him. I understand where he was coming from but he went about it all wrong and started the conversation aggressively which is why I didn't respond well. I told him there was another war of bringing it up calmly and he said "oh now you think you're Dr. Phil?"
> 
> Last night I was too angry to care but now I'm sitting here at work in tears.


Can I ask, without being inflammatory... You say he has anger problems, small things set him off. You also say you "understand where he was coming from." Am I right in saying he actually brought up a valid point but the way in which he did it was what angered/upset you?

You said in another post something like he feels like you don't listen. Did you end up addressing the issue he brought up or did it get swallowed up in the issue about the delivery?

I have said, although not so much angrily but more out of sheer frustration, that if things carry on like they are then I won't be able to deal with it anymore. Thing is, when I have said it, it's not emotional control or lack of commitment... I actually felt that I would leave if things carried on as they were. He does need to realise what message he is sending saying that out of anger.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need the 180, b/c you are dealing with an emotionally immature person. 

Please start reading about "fighting fair," and try to stop "reacting." Although it may seem a matter of semantics, you want to respond, not react--that is, you want to behave in a consistent (and mature) fashion, regardless of what he says or does. 

You will need to share with him the idea of "fighting fair," and figure out--by talking to him--if he even has the tools to try to learn new patterns and outgrow his immature ways. If not, you need to decide how much of his immature behavior you can take. At some point (if there are no kids involved), you may even realize that he is not up to a mature, adult relationship. But that does not need to be your first thought, of course. 

Read up on fighting fair and the 180, and start changing your behavior. If he does not start coming around, consider counseling. But you can do wonders by simply refusing to engage w/him when he becomes loud, hurtful, etc. 

Good luck.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> You are going to allow this to continue until you reach your saturation point. You have not yet reached that point. Of course he acts like nothing happened. He does not "own" or take responsibility for his controlling behavior.
> 
> Meanwhile, you suck it up and when the honeymoon phase begins again, you go along with it until the sh!t hits the fan somewhere down the road.
> 
> ...


Sometimes it annoys me how he lets it slide. How do I bring it up calmly so he doesn't feel like I'm instigating another argument and let him know I wanna talk it out? 

I exaggerated, he doesn't ALWAYS do it. Last week when we fought (on his birthday coincidentally) he apologized and talked to me about his feelings and I listened. He sounded pretty ashamed and made an appointment with his doctor to get his medication changed which he is actually working on today. 

It sucks how he must rely on medication to keep calm in certain situations but that's the result of the trauma he experienced.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The cycle of abuse. And I agree, she hasn't reached her max yet.
> 
> OP, I don't pity you. I have been there before and it sucks. The fact he acts like nothing ever happened and like he didn't hurt your feelings is not good.


I believe he knows but just doesn't know how to approach the subject in fear of being rejected. Last week he looked me in the eye and said "you think I don't listen to you but I really do." He has some idea. He makes comments here and there asking me not to leave him and has even thanked me for willing to put up with him and his problems and admitted that sometimes I'll have to be the strong one. I don't know. By the way I wasn't asking for pity.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

tobio said:


> Can I ask, without being inflammatory... You say he has anger problems, small things set him off. You also say you "understand where he was coming from." Am I right in saying he actually brought up a valid point but the way in which he did it was what angered/upset you?
> 
> You said in another post something like he feels like you don't listen. Did you end up addressing the issue he brought up or did it get swallowed up in the issue about the delivery?
> 
> I have said, although not so much angrily but more out of sheer frustration, that if things carry on like they are then I won't be able to deal with it anymore. Thing is, when I have said it, it's not emotional control or lack of commitment... I actually felt that I would leave if things carried on as they were. He does need to realise what message he is sending saying that out of anger.


Yes, though he did exaggerate he did bring up a good point. His aggressive delivery triggered an aggressive response from me. The issue got all swallowed up by the delivery and nothing was solved. He probably he knows it's said out of anger by the way he carries on like nothing happened.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Ducky316 said:


> Is he bi-polar by chance??? I'm not trying to be funny....am totally serious...I wonder.


No bi-polar disorder has been diagnosed.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> You need the 180, b/c you are dealing with an emotionally immature person.
> 
> Please start reading about "fighting fair," and try to stop "reacting." Although it may seem a matter of semantics, you want to respond, not react--that is, you want to behave in a consistent (and mature) fashion, regardless of what he says or does.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will look into that. I agree, my response escalated the discussion into a pissing contest and I was advised by my supervisor to not do that anymore and respond calmly as that will influence his behavior to be calmer as well. I just felt like I had to show how angry I was and not let him walk over me.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

You think this is one sided but it isn't. You think you're the abused one but you give it right back and you know it. So, exaggerated huh? Sounds familiar. Why don't you tell us the truth instead of victimizing yourself. You fancy yourself a victim in all of this but you've made him one too. He feels it but can't express it properly. So you keep your cool huh? Good for you, that option is limited for him since he's a sick person. So while he's the one adjusting his medication and behaviors to meet your ridiculous standards you're the one who reaps every single benefit. He's stuck wondering whether or not his feelings are appropriate enough for you. At some point, he breaks. But not you right? You're the level headed one.
why don't you look inwardly for a change. Yeah he acts like nothing happened most probably because he spends most of his time in apology mode.
Tell me, how many times a week do you ask him if he's taken his meds? I'd bet at least twice. Do you know how degrading it is to have your feelings reduced to medical side effects? Do you know what it's like to question your own reality because the one you love tries to spin it like you're wrong because you're sick? I'd say not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> You think this is one sided but it isn't. You think you're the abused one but you give it right back and you know it. So, exaggerated huh? Sounds familiar. Why don't you tell us the truth instead of victimizing yourself. You fancy yourself a victim in all of this but you've made him one too. He feels it but can't express it properly. So you keep your cool huh? Good for you, that option is limited for him since he's a sick person. So while he's the one adjusting his medication and behaviors to meet your ridiculous standards you're the one who reaps every single benefit. He's stuck wondering whether or not his feelings are appropriate enough for you. At some point, he breaks. But not you right? You're the level headed one.
> why don't you look inwardly for a change. Yeah he acts like nothing happened most probably because he spends most of his time in apology mode.
> Tell me, how many times a week do you ask him if he's taken his meds? I'd bet at least twice. Do you know how degrading it is to have your feelings reduced to medical side effects? Do you know what it's like to question your own reality because the one you love tries to spin it like you're wrong because you're sick? I'd say not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What, does this hit close to home or something? I know it's not one sided and if you re read it I said he made a valid point. I'm not playing the victim, I am giving my side of the story and asking for advice. And for the record I never ask him if he took his meds. I don't mock him like that.


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