# He "technically" Cheated



## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

I am currently deployed, and when I hit port all of my husbands text messages popped up on his ipad that he let me use for deployment. He had been sending dirty texts, making dirty videos, dirty facetimeing, and talking with an ex girl friend who lives on the other side of the country. After more research, I found that he had made a craigslist account, started interacting on some of those porn sights, and things like that all to get some kind of a connection because I was gone. I saw all these emails when I made him give me all of his account information. I am so hurt, and I never ever thought he would ever do anything like this. I am a Christian woman and I believe in forgiveness and I am against divorce, but I cannot trust him at all. I left and he became another person. He also bought a $1300 gun without asking me, and we do not have fire arms in the house. I am just so angry, hurt, and betrayed. I don't even want to come home from deployment. I don't know why he would hurt me like this, and I don't know how we can ever recover. Help!!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Navygirl said:


> He had been sending dirty texts, making dirty videos, dirty facetimeing, and talking with an ex girl friend who lives on the other side of the country.
> 
> he had made a craigslist account,
> 
> ...


I bet he didn't interact with you romantically/sexually that much when you were together.

I doubt he did it to hurt you, he probably did it because he LIKES it. He had to know you WOULD be hurt by it IF you found out, but he never intended you to find out, he thought he could get away with it and you would never know the difference.

It doesn't seem like he was planning to leave you, not even close to it, does it? So it was just something he did for fun? The ex-girlfriend, were there any feelings or just sex talk?

I don't buy that he CHANGED after you left, rather I would think that this is the PART OF HIM that he doesn't feel comfortable with you knowing about. I'm guessing that even while you were home he had the desire to do these things, and maybe he did do them on a smaller scale, what he could get away with, and then when you left he felt he could get away with a lot more. Now that you're gone, he can be himself. And himself is a lying cheater?

I'm really just guessing here, I don't have a great handle on your situation, but I don't think you do, either. And the first thing you have to do before you can decide whether or not to attempt to reconcile is to figure out what the TRUTH is about your situation. How he feels about you, about what he's done, whether this is something he has done before and you just never knew ... those types of things.

The tough part about finding out the truth is that most cheaters lie. Pay attention to his actions more than his words.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why don't you like the gun? Is it a hunting weapon or a revolver? Are you afraid of violence?

How old are you?

Did you talk about starting a family?

What does he do for a living?

Does he have hobbies or study to improve himself?

Has he completed high school, college?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Navygirl said:


> He "technically" Cheated
> 
> all to get some kind of a connection
> 
> ...


I think you already are searching for excuses for him. I think it's a mistake on your part to believe any of this happened because:


you left
you were gone
he was trying to get some kind of connection (ridiculous)
he became another person (also ridiculous)

"technically" cheated?

What about everything on your end? You were away from him, also, but you did NONE of those things. Don't hold him to a higher standard than you hold yourself, but also don't hold him to a lower standard, either. If you can be faithful, so can he.

What is it, as soon as you were gone, he is so needy he had to immediately start talking about and sending pictures of his weenie to anyone who would look or listen? It's not like this was a one-time thing, it sounds like he was going hot and heavy on all fronts trying to get his weenie roasted.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Navygirl said:


> He had been sending dirty texts, making dirty videos, dirty facetimeing, and talking with an ex girl friend who lives on the other side of the country. After more research, I found that he had made a craigslist account, started interacting on some of those porn sights


 There is nothing "technically" about it, this is cheating plain and simple.



Navygirl said:


> He also bought a $1300 gun without asking me, and we do not have fire arms in the house.


 You saying "we do not have fire arms in the house" sounds more like an edict by you, rather than something that he agreed with. Cheater will always focus on your weakest argument, and this is yours. Leave this out of it and focus on the cheating.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Navygirl, thank you for your service.

You know your story is not uncommon for service members. I bet you've heard stories about how it goes from here, too. Some try to work it out, others divorce right away. Stateside spouses who cheat the way your H did don't usually change into dependable loyal spouses, do they?

If you were single and met this guy today who did all the things your H did, would you date him? Would you marry him? I doubt it! You'd reject him because he is not marrying material.

Talk to your CO and find some support within your unit. There is likely to be some kind of support group you can join and talk things out some. At least you can learn you are not the only one in this situation.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

And what about his right to own a weapon, Thor? Should she respect it?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> And what about his right to own a weapon, Thor? Should she respect it?


This isn't a rkba issue!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Navygirl said:


> I am currently deployed, and when I hit port all of my husbands text messages popped up on his ipad that he let me use for deployment. He had been sending dirty texts, making dirty videos, dirty facetimeing, and talking with an ex girl friend who lives on the other side of the country. After more research, I found that he had made a craigslist account, started interacting on some of those porn sights, and things like that all to get some kind of a connection because I was gone. I saw all these emails when I made him give me all of his account information. I am so hurt, and I never ever thought he would ever do anything like this. I am a Christian woman and I believe in forgiveness and I am against divorce, but I cannot trust him at all. I left and he became another person. He also bought a $1300 gun without asking me, and we do not have fire arms in the house. I am just so angry, hurt, and betrayed. I don't even want to come home from deployment. I don't know why he would hurt me like this, and I don't know how we can ever recover. Help!!!


Navygirl

Don't go home to him. Stay with other family.

Your H needs professional help and the fact he bought a gun makes me question what other issues he is *not* dealing with.

Stay safe.

How old are you two and how long have you been married?

HM


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Navygirl said:


> I am currently deployed, and when I hit port all of my husbands text messages popped up on his ipad that he let me use for deployment. He had been sending dirty texts, making dirty videos, dirty facetimeing, and talking with an ex girl friend who lives on the other side of the country. After more research, I found that he had made a craigslist account, started interacting on some of those porn sights, and things like that all to get some kind of a connection because I was gone. I saw all these emails when I made him give me all of his account information. I am so hurt, and I never ever thought he would ever do anything like this. I am a Christian woman and I believe in forgiveness and I am against divorce, but I cannot trust him at all. I left and he became another person. He also bought a $1300 gun without asking me, and we do not have fire arms in the house. I am just so angry, hurt, and betrayed. I don't even want to come home from deployment. I don't know why he would hurt me like this, and I don't know how we can ever recover. Help!!!


I can't even count the number of flags thrown down here.

To be honest I find it hard to believe you could not see this coming.

I agree with OP, this is so severe you need to live elsewhere.

This guy needs more help than you can offer or ought to.

Steer clear, separate your finances.


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## Navygirl (Jun 27, 2012)

So everyone has a better understanding of the situation, I am 28 he is 31. We have been together for four years and married for two. He is also in the military. He is used to being the one always deployed, this is his first time staying at home. I know that before me, this type of behavior was normal for him. I know for a fact that once we got together this stopped. We were very romantically/ sexually before we left. That has never been an issue. I met his needs. As soon as I left he started watching a lot of porn, then it became a ridiculous amount of port, and it escalated from there when he received naked pictures from a friend who was drunk and just got dumped. Instead of stopping it, he joined in. It only went on for 2 days and then I got to port. He did not expect to get caught. He had the pastor put blocks on all of the devices in our home to prevent porn, he is seeing a counselor now, and going to meetings for sex addicts. He is doing everything he can to fix this. In regards to the gun, I had told him that we would discuss it further when I got back. I told him that I had no problem with him going to the gun range. He took that as an ok, i guess. The problem is that we do not have a secure home or a place to store a weapon. He has a 12 year old son, and he is irresponsible when it comes to putting things away. I am just worried. Plus, he has a history of buying things because of impulse, so I wanted him to research it. Sure enough, he has only used the shot the gun once in the three months and doesn't like it. I hate being so angry and not trusting him. I hate fighting about everything.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Navygirl said:


> He is used to being the one always deployed, this is his first time staying at home.


That's another red flag.

The first time you leave him without a baby sitter and this is what he does? Right out of the gate?

Not good.



Navygirl said:


> I know that before me, this type of behavior was normal for him.


OK, so he has a history of promiscuity and you expected that to all come to a screeching halt because he made a commitment?



Navygirl said:


> I know for a fact that once we got together this stopped.


You had a camera on him 24 x 7 did you? Sorry, you cannot possibly say with 100% confidence you know what he was doing all the time. You may think you know, but you don't.



Navygirl said:


> We were very romantically/ sexually before we left. That has never been an issue. I met his needs.


You can't keep an immature guy from cheating by meeting his "needs" regularly. Sorry.



Navygirl said:


> As soon as I left he started watching a lot of porn, then it became a ridiculous amount of porn, and it escalated from there when he received naked pictures from a friend who was drunk and just got dumped.


More and more flags and he runs every red light.

I have serious doubts about this guys' maturity level. He's not here, so I have to give him some benefit of the doubt, but I recommend you do not go home or you will end up with an STD.



Navygirl said:


> Instead of stopping it, he joined in. It only went on for 2 days and then I got to port.


This is only what you know of.

You cannot possibly know everything. You cannot possibly be able to keep that close a watch on him 24 x 7.

Accept the fact that you likely do not know the whole story.

For every rat you see, there are fifty you don't.



Navygirl said:


> He did not expect to get caught.


There aren't many that do this expecting to get caught.

I find it interesting that you haven't even mentioned any remorse on his part here.



Navygirl said:


> He had the pastor put blocks on all of the devices in our home to prevent porn, he is seeing a counselor now, and going to meetings for sex addicts.


And you need to stay away from an addict for a long long time. Putting blocks on his devices is a cheap band aid. He can get around that. Children know how to get around that.



Navygirl said:


> He is doing everything he can to fix this.


What you mean is 

a. he got caught
b. he's doing what he's told as far as you know

Don't think for a second because he's in therapy that he's safe to be with.



Navygirl said:


> In regards to the gun, I had told him that we would discuss it further when I got back. I told him that I had no problem with him going to the gun range. He took that as an ok, i guess.


And you are rationalizing to protect him now.



Navygirl said:


> The problem is that we do not have a secure home or a place to store a weapon. He has a 12 year old son, and he is irresponsible when it comes to putting things away.


This guy's problems are not just sex addiction. He is immature.

He put a 12 year old boy at risk so he could have a gun in the house?


Sorry, but there are so many things wrong with this I can't count them.



Navygirl said:


> I am just worried. Plus, he has a history of buying things because of impulse, so I wanted him to research it.


He has impulse control issues too.. big surprise...



Navygirl said:


> Sure enough, he has only used the shot the gun once in the three months and doesn't like it. I hate being so angry and not trusting him. I hate fighting about everything.


Then stop fighting and get away from him for the time being.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's very common for spouses to think that behavior like your H's emerges when the spouse is unavailable physically, i.e., 'not there to meet certain needs.'

I agree with some of the previous posters, though, who doubt that he ever stopped doing this. If I were you, I would search for other secret accounts. I would dig for any truth there is that you have not yet uncovered. It's very possible that you can't trust him either when you're deployed or when you are home.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I am pretty confident he was cheating to some degree the whole time.

The OP seems to have the idea that once she was deployed this addiction just showed up?

Not likely... he has a history of promiscuity, he may have toned it down a bit, but I doubt he was ever faithful.

I would suggest to navygirl to get an STD test ASAP.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some years ago when I was on active duty my primary job was to take care of families of soldiers that were deployed. The first unit that I assisted gave me an opportunity to deal with many issues. The families of this unit were very dysfuntional. As this was a test run for the program and I was the first person in the history of the state to do this. Then 9/11. The commanding general came to me and said "Mac, you need a plan for the rest of the state as we are going to deploy more soldiers". I opened up 11 sites across the states, hired soldiers, trained them and supervised all the centers.

As of Dec. 17, 2013, I am officially retired after about 40 years of military service. Thank you for your service.

I have also served in combat and dealt with military members who went through this.

I dealt with a family who the soldier got injured and he got "extra money", bought two hand guns for $1800.00. Here we are helping this family with food, diapers and the bone head bought two hand guns, as he said, "I always wanted these pistols and I never had the money to buy them, so I bought them". We brought the soldier in for counseling. The issue is not guns. It is how money is spent and how a couple agrees to these things. Your husband is a bone head.

Whether other posters are correct or not as to when this all started, your husband has taken the opportunity to do things that are harmful to the M. I am not opposed to porn per se. It is fairly common. I served as a minister and a chaplain. For me it is cheating when you start interacting with live real people. CL and other sites cross the line into cheating (IMO). 

Forgiveness. IMO, you have to know what the heck you are dealing with here in order to proceed with forgiveness. As Christians we are mandated to forgive, but forgiveness does not mean we need to stay in a relationship.

Divorce. Some Christians take a very narrow view even in the Matthew passage about adultery and divorce. Some pastors narrowly interpret this passage and will say that there is no grounds for divorce, even when there is adultery. But the majority of Christian pastors will say that adultery and adultery alone is grounds for divorce and that is my stance. I would also add that adultery is not looking at porn (some say it is), but in my view it is when there is a live person involved who is not your spouse, and as you have talked about the actions of your husband I would say he crossed the line into adultery, whether or not there was physical sex. 


For the most part, porn blocks don't work. There are too many ways around them, and if he wanted to do so he could buy a used computer or get one free and by pass everything.

Sex addiction. I doubt your husband is an addict. Too many churches and others jump on this band wagon. Your husband has a typical sex drive and porn is very tempting and easy to access. Counseling will help if he is honest and working with the pastor will also help if he is honest. I am not saying his case is hopeless or your point about him looking at porn is pointless, all I am saying is that many will jump on the porn addiction band wagon when the case can often be made that it does not fall within the pathological scale of addiction.

It is the other behavior that concerns me. Contacting old GF's, making sex movies, having a CL's account, dirty texts, etc. This is the real problem in my view. This is what crosses the line (IMO).

Right now you are deployed (I have been there), and there is very little you can control back home. Work on what you can control, focus on your mission and let God work on your husband. In Romans it says everything works for the good to those that love God. This passage does not say everything you face is good, but it says in everything you face God can make good come from it. I served in combat, it was not good, but God has used those experiences in my life for a good purpose. I would not want to experience those things again. You don't want a cheating husband. This did not take God by surprise. Seek God's wisdom in this. Give Him your pain and distrust. God will give you the courage to confront this in time. And ask Him if divorce is an option and ask Him to give you pease about it. Let God's peace direct you.

Sorry you are here. I had to deal with suicidal military members in Iraq due to unfaithfulness back home. Please don't hurt yourself. Don't kill yourself over your husband's actions. God will get you through this. You nor I know the outcome, but know that you did nothing wrong and in Christ you will find an answer as to whether to work this out or divorce. You have the option as a Christian to do either.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

:iagree: Love Thorburn's post above!


And I hate to say it, but your husband didn't become this way when you are apart, he actively chooses to do this. I'm guessing he saw your deployment as a lot of spouses do (grew up in a military family and tried to get in myself but was never medically cleared after three years of trying), which is an easy opportunity to cheat with virtually no supervision. I think often times it happens with absolutely no intention of leaving the marriage, but that doesn't really make the betrayed spouse feel any better about it. Your husband also very likely had absolutely zero intention of hurting you, he likely just figured he could get away with it without you finding out. As a deployed military member, trust is more important than ever, so this has to be that much worse for you. I'm really so sorry.

As Thorburn said, focus on the mission and yourself while you are deployed. Manage what you CAN control. Pray, and find comfort with those around you whom you can call friends. Hopefully he will take this time to have his own wake-up call and seek God, or open up to God seeking him. In any case, he'll choose to either correct his issues and be prepared to save his marriage and "win you back" when you return home, or he'll give up and well, you'll ultimately be better off if that is his measure of a man.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Allen_A said:


> He is immature.
> 
> He put a 12 year old boy at risk so he could have a gun in the house?
> 
> ...


 Many would not agree with your logic here. According to the latest Gallup polls, approximately 1/2 of all men currently have a firearm in their home, with 43% of all homes having a firearm. Many believe that the percentage is actually much higher, based on the fact that many gun owners do not wish to disclose that they own a firearm to a stranger calling them on a phone (gun sales seem to support this). These polls show that most own firearms for the stated reason of self defense. Let us not start a thread jack by inserting a gun control debate into this thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband did not "technically" cheat. He cheated. For real.

As a Christian, you can forgive him. But you do not have to stay with him.

You don't believe in divorce? And your husband doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage?

Then that's a poor fit, to be honest.

You might need to think about divorcing him.


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