# I need more then he is giving.



## Wants&needs (Jul 24, 2009)

My Husband and I have been together for 4 years now share 2 children and fallen into a rut of sex once a week (if I beg)! I am dying. I need physical contact and I have waited 2 years now for him to come around. I feel like his roommate. 

Talking to him is so hard 1 word answers and the wall goes up. We rarely fight and yet I am so Angry all the time. I am ready to pack my bags and run for the hills! 

He is NOT stressed he loves his job (more then me I fear) and I support him. He travels a lot and calls to chat and it is so nice. I kept trying to convince myself that he would come home excited to see me and every time I get 5 min of dull sex and he is good for a week!! 

What do I do? I have Told him I need more sex, I tell him what I like, I ask what he likes,do things he used to love but now I get a smile and a kiss if I am lucky. He left me waiting in the bed with a new negligee for 45 min then said I am really tired. the night before a 2 week trip! (This happened Last Wednesday).

Do I stay or Do I go? Will this change?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

How old is he? 

And what is his performance like when he does do it? Does he have any problems?


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## Candice (May 29, 2009)

Went and still kinda going through the same thing with my DH. I'd beg and maybe get lucky twice a month. I was convinced that he wasn't attracted to me anymore...even though he kept reassuring me he was. This went on for over a year and sex gradually went from twice a week to once a week to maybe twice a month. Finally after crying my eyes out to him...he went to the dr. Turns out his testosterone was low. Still in normal range but low normal. He is only in his early 30's. Dr said its probably been on the decline for years. They started him on replacement therapy and I have noticed a huge difference in his drive. It took a few weeks though. I can't tell you how relieved I was. I had convinced myself that he just wasn't attracted to me....but he kept telling me he had no drive at all. But the patches have made a huge difference!


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## Wants&needs (Jul 24, 2009)

He is 35. Thank you for the posts. I have asked him to go to the DR. I will again.

When we do have sex its very mechanical? I think that's the right word. I'm bored and have tried new things but get nothing in return, I feel like its just a chore to him. 

I am going to talk to him when he comes home about how I am feeling but I don't know how he will respond. I am afraid he just won't understand.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wow, I completely understand what you are going through, only my situation is he is good at it when HE wants to but if I want to... I get flat out NO. I get pushed away and head turned away... looks of fear and disgust etc if I approach him. He says he is very attracted to me and thinks I am beautiful. 

Anyway, I posted about it under another thread. You sound like you have different ideas about how much sex to have? He wants less and you want more? Do you say yes when he asks and he says no when you ask? Thats how it is with us. I guess I dont have any advice, just wanted to know I am there with you.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Does he know the stakes?

If he doesn't, he could be thinking to 'wait it out until it goes away'.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

If it is a testosterone problem, which it very well could be, and it isn't very severe, there are natural supplements you can get from a regular pharmacy that can help boost his natural testosterone production. Things like Magnesium and Zinc and some other more herbal things can help boost natural production. If it's too bad though, testosterone replacement is about your only option.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Talking about stakes... I finally let him know about my timeline! I will let you know how it goes. He thought all these "little tiffs" were just annoying arguments! I said nope, they are deal breakers! We will see, he says he is going to let me initiate but after all this fighting I dont really know when I will be ready to do that..

Be careful when you set out your stakes as it may come across as a threat to the other person instead of a declaration of your intentions... my husband took it that way just now and I had to tell him it wa snot a threat, it was a timeline. Just wanted to let you know to tread very carefully...


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## Wants&needs (Jul 24, 2009)

He doesn't know I feel like it's ending. I am going to talk to him. I don't want to start over bu tI am afraid we have nothing in common any more at one point we were ready to take over his family businees and now he is not there and I hate it. what if he doesn't want me because we have different goals?? we were great when we worked side by side but now that i never see him it is falling apart.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i know how you feel. my H and i have sex maybe once a week, and that's if i bring it up. he's content to just never have it, i think. we dont usually fight either (although we used to) but i am so miserable all the time. my self esteem has really taken a hit from it all. 

sorry i dont really have any answers for you. just some empathy. i know how frustrating it is.


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## ianpet07 (Aug 1, 2009)

I wish my wife was like you girls! She's the opposite...not interested anymore...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ianpet07 said:


> I wish my wife was like you girls! She's the opposite...not interested anymore...


right on

and its interesting to see the advice from the ladies, that he needs to see a doctor yadda yadda. when the shoe is on the other foot in here, the man needs to work harder and make the wife feel better about herself, do more around the house and help more with the kids. i rarely see advice that a low labido in a women should result in medical treatment to improve it.

the battle of the sexes rages on


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Its my opinion that most of us in marriage relationships are mismatched in terms of sexual appetite. The lucky few who are not are the ones with the big smiles on their face. 

I am not making fun of you by saying this. I feel your pain.
Honestly I do. You are not alone.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

Candice said:


> Finally after crying my eyes out to him...he went to the dr. Turns out his testosterone was low. Still in normal range but low normal.



How in the world did you get him to go to the doctor? I have tried, pleeded, begged. The word "never" is always used.


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## paperbackslave (Jul 15, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> right on
> 
> and its interesting to see the advice from the ladies, that he needs to see a doctor yadda yadda. when the shoe is on the other foot in here, the man needs to work harder and make the wife feel better about herself, do more around the house and help more with the kids. i rarely see advice that a low labido in a women should result in medical treatment to improve it.
> 
> the battle of the sexes rages on


Unfortunately, there has been eaons of research into how to keep a guy up, but not so much for gals. Believe me, I wish there was a pill for women!


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## crazyhorselady (Jul 15, 2010)

You're living my life. However, I did finally (!) get DH's testosterone checked and it was quite low. You don't just want to assume that herbals will fix it, you have to make sure there isn't an underlying cause like a pituitary adenoma (not that uncommon) that needs to be treated. 

It's been a year and his level still isn't where it needs to be because the endocrinologist had to check for all kinds of different crap before he would put him on the patches. It was finally determined that he didn't have any other underlying cause. Now, he just needs a higher dose of the patch (gotta start low and work your way up as needed). I think the next dose will do it. 

How'd I get him to get it checked? Well, first of all he was having other symptoms - severe fatigue being the worst! He wanted that checked out. He's also gained weight. He wasn't motivated to check out the low libido, just the other stuff. So I drew his blood (I'm a nurse) and took it in myself and had it checked. If I'd had to wait for him to do it, I'd still be waiting!

If he has any other symptoms - fatigue, weight gain, heat intolerance, etc. encourage him to get those checked out. Hopefully, a decent primary care provider will draw a TSH, CBC, B12 and a testosterone. 

BTW - most men with low testosterone will still be able to perform, they just don't want to bother. That's the only reason I didn't have it checked earlier. I figured if he could get an erection, he must be fine medically - not true! Testosterone usually has to be extremely low for them to completely stop getting erections. However, I did realize that he NEVER had morning erections. Once we talked about it he realized that he hadn't had them since he was 17 or 18. That is definitely not normal! His testosterone had been low for so long, he just didn't know any different.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> right on
> 
> and its interesting to see the advice from the ladies, that he needs to see a doctor yadda yadda. when the shoe is on the other foot in here, the man needs to work harder and make the wife feel better about herself, do more around the house and help more with the kids. i rarely see advice that a low labido in a women should result in medical treatment to improve it.
> 
> the battle of the sexes rages on


When you refuse to see and accept there is a difference between men and women and their needs, then everything is just sexist, double standard, or one-sided and all responses should be the same for both. So please, all you ladies who don't want your husband, go to the doctor and get your testosterone levels checked.


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## crazyhorselady (Jul 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> When you refuse to see and accept there is a difference between men and women and their needs, then everything is just sexist, double standard, or one-sided and all responses should be the same for both. So please, all you ladies who don't want your husband, go to the doctor and get your testosterone levels checked.


I hate to burst your bubble, but women do have testosterone, it is responsible for their sex drive, it can be tested, and it is treatable in certain circumstances. Women who are going through menopause or have had a hysterectomy often take estrogen. However, if they c/o decreased libido they can take "Estratest" which contains estrogen and testosterone. These days we don't encourage women to take hormone therapy the way we did 10 years ago, but it is still used if the benefits outweigh the risk. 

Unfortunately, in other situations - decreased libido not during menopause, there may not be a lot that can be done. If there is a medication responsible for the poor libido it might be stopped or changed (some blood pressure meds, some antidepressants, some oral contraceptives, etc.). If a woman is depressed or exhausted due to hypothyroidism, those problems can lead to poor libido and can be treated. Some people use Viagra "off label" for women, but there isn't a lot of evidence for it or most other treatments for poor libido in women. 

There isn't a lot of legitimate research being done in this area. I guess the drug companies just don't see the potential $$$ to be made. :scratchhead: I guess that is where things are a bit sexist.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> right on
> 
> and its interesting to see the advice from the ladies, that he needs to see a doctor yadda yadda. when the shoe is on the other foot in here, the man needs to work harder and make the wife feel better about herself, do more around the house and help more with the kids. i rarely see advice that a low labido in a women should result in medical treatment to improve it.
> 
> the battle of the sexes rages on


Right... just as men and women have different reasons for _having_ sex, they have different reasons for _not_ having it.

Of course there can be medical reasons for women, but I would say most times it's not a purely physical reason.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> When you refuse to see and accept there is a difference between men and women and their needs, then everything is just sexist, double standard, or one-sided and all responses should be the same for both. So please, all you ladies who don't want your husband, go to the doctor and get your testosterone levels checked.


not refusing to see the differences, but there are certainly medical reasons that could contribute to a woman not wanting sex, aren't there?

maybe some people should accept that SOME women and men just dont want sex and call it what it is.


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## downundergal (Jul 17, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> maybe some people should accept that SOME women and men just dont want sex and call it what it is.


I don't think that's fair. Most sex-starved partners married into a lie. Our partners wanted sex in the beginning, and have become asexual as time's gone by. A form of torture for those of us with sex drives! 

In my opinion, if the partner who doesn't want sex refuses to see doctors, or to try counseling and medication, and can't be bothered spicing things up, then they have NO right to demand monogamy.

I mean, it's the ultimate ***k you. "I don't want you, but I'll make sure no-one else can have you either!"


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

downundergal said:


> I don't think that's fair. Most sex-starved partners married into a lie. Our partners wanted sex in the beginning, and have become asexual as time's gone by. A form of torture for those of us with sex drives!
> 
> In my opinion, if the partner who doesn't want sex refuses to see doctors, or to try counseling and medication, and can't be bothered spicing things up, then they have NO right to demand monogamy.
> 
> I mean, it's the ultimate ***k you. "I don't want you, but I'll make sure no-one else can have you either!"



i completely agree and you may have misunderstood my post. some folks seem hard pressed to believe that some people just go off of sex through no fault of their partner, that was my point.


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## thrasher (Jul 19, 2010)

Damn girl i know how u feel. except my husband doesnt travel. his car phone and job are more important than me. I feel like runnin too.


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## Mandia99508 (Jul 15, 2010)

downundergal said:


> I mean, it's the ultimate ***k you. "I don't want you, but I'll make sure no-one else can have you either!"


So true, and so unfair. Ugh. I'm getting sooooo frustrated. Lately it seems like my husband wants me to find someone else, have sex with them just so it's easier for him to leave me. 

The problem is, my sex drive was unhealthy for a while because of his excessive and unattractive drinking. The beer breath and just the sound of the opening beer bottle made me not want him anymore. I've gotten past this, probably because I'm desperate, and needy. I can't sleep at night because of my dissatisfaction. He is somehow totally content or unable to have sex. Physical contact actually causes him pain and discomfort. So now what? (Please don't say self pleasure, because it doesn't help.)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> and its interesting to see the advice from the ladies, that he needs to see a doctor yadda yadda. when the shoe is on the other foot in here, the man needs to work harder and make the wife feel better about herself, do more around the house and help more with the kids. i rarely see advice that a low labido in a women should result in medical treatment to improve it.


ive found this interesting myself. its easier to accept that a women has a lower sex drive and the man should just 'know' that and compensate. when the tables are turned, its not something to be tolerated. 

but if i were to approach this subject with my H, and treat him as if i were approaching a women, i lose my sex drive. his might go up, but mine would plummet. so its a double-edged sword.


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## blossom74 (Jun 21, 2010)

oh man Wants&needs, I know how you feel, although once a week would be wonderful in my world. We have had sex 5 times in the last 3 years. I had to be the one to bring this up as a really big problem for me, I thought guys were the ones that broke first due to lack of sex.
He is NOT stressed he loves his job (more then me I fear) and I support him. He travels a lot and calls to chat and it is so nice. I kept trying to convince myself that he would come home excited to see me and every time I get 5 min of dull sex and he is good for a week!! 

Mine is the same, except a LOT less sex. So depressing


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

blossom74 said:


> I kept trying to convince myself that he would come home excited to see me and every time I get 5 min of dull sex and he is good for a week!!
> 
> Mine is the same, except a LOT less sex. So depressing


why is the sex dull? its dull for me (and way to infrequent) because my wife simply isnt adventurous, shes way too inhibited.


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## Living Apart (Jul 22, 2010)

How about counseling? Sounds like the problem lies behind the intimacy and the bedroom. There's more to it.

Living Apart


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mandia99508 said:


> How in the world did you get him to go to the doctor? I have tried, pleeded, begged. The word "never" is always used.


Make the appointment for him. Offer to go with him. If he says no, keep it on his radar. Point out other things he could talk to his doctor about.

"Honey, you know that kink in your elbow? When you are at the doctor's office *next Thursday at 3:00*, you should ask him about it."


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

crazyhorselady said:


> I hate to burst your bubble, but women do have testosterone, it is responsible for their sex drive, it can be tested, and it is treatable in certain circumstances. Women who are going through menopause or have had a hysterectomy often take estrogen. However, if they c/o decreased libido they can take "Estratest" which contains estrogen and testosterone. These days we don't encourage women to take hormone therapy the way we did 10 years ago, but it is still used if the benefits outweigh the risk.
> 
> Unfortunately, in other situations - decreased libido not during menopause, there may not be a lot that can be done. If there is a medication responsible for the poor libido it might be stopped or changed (some blood pressure meds, some antidepressants, some oral contraceptives, etc.). If a woman is depressed or exhausted due to hypothyroidism, those problems can lead to poor libido and can be treated. Some people use Viagra "off label" for women, but there isn't a lot of evidence for it or most other treatments for poor libido in women.
> 
> There isn't a lot of legitimate research being done in this area. I guess the drug companies just don't see the potential $$$ to be made. :scratchhead: I guess that is where things are a bit sexist.


Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't have a bubble to burst because you missed my point entirely. Therefore, I hardly needed the medical rundown since I am fully aware that women have testosterone, and also aware there could be medical and medicinal reasons that women lose desire. 

I addressed that member because he has been on this site long enough to know better than to make the statement he made. The problem is he refuses to accept and probably resents the facts. My point was to reiterate - as he has read probably a hundred times at least - that ordinarily women lose desire for entirely different reasons than men. It is normally an emotional issue for women and directly related to the relationship with their husband/partner. Most often, women don't lose desire altogether, but only for the husband/partner who succeeded at destroying it. There are enough complaints and testimonies right here on these boards (not to mention every single board like it) that support this fact. And there is more than enough research that states it also.

Just to note there is viagra (forgot what it's called) for women coming on the market relatively soon.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't have a bubble to burst because you missed my point entirely. Therefore, I hardly needed the medical rundown since I am fully aware that women have testosterone, and also aware there could be medical and medicinal reasons that women lose desire.
> 
> I addressed that member because he has been on this site long enough to know better than to make the statement he made. The problem is he refuses to accept and probably resents the facts. My point was to reiterate - as he has read probably a hundred times at least - that ordinarily women lose desire for entirely different reasons than men. It is normally an emotional issue for women and directly related to the relationship with their husband/partner. Most often, women don't lose desire altogether, but only for the husband/partner who succeeded at destroying it. There are enough complaints and testimonies right here on these boards (not to mention every single board like it) that support this fact. And there is more than enough research that states it also.
> 
> Just to note there is viagra (forgot what it's called) for women coming on the market relatively soon.



you would be referring to me, and we can agree to disagree that the reasons you state is the main cause. and i know emotional needs are one big key for women to feel intimate but to say that the husband is not at least trying to fulfill them isnt always the case. and i believe some people tend to jump right to that conclusion. it could be she hasnt communicated them appropriately (my wife wont tell me anything, she has too much pride) and she has a husband who wants to fulfill them but try as he might she isnt emotionally happy. thats where people like me get frustrated. 
again, i am not refusing t believe it, but it isnt the only reason and may not even be the main reason. and incidentally, her emotional needs are on a violent roller coaster all month long so who would know at any moment what is right or wrong.

of course, this would apply to the otherwise normal marriage, minus verbal and physical abuse, addictions, porn and other disrespectful acts against the partner. as a husband, working hard providing for family, keeping up my end of things around the house, and trying to support an unresponsive wife, it gets old. in my case, i wont be the villian.


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