# Not feeling apreciated



## Auria (Dec 13, 2007)

I don't feel apreciated by my husband. I'm a monther to our 4.5 months old daughter, I work part-time, go part-time to school to finish my bachelor and take care of our house. My husband works about 10 hours a day, and when he comes home, he sits down in front of the tv or xbox and then one hour later goes to bed. I have to give him our daughter. Otherwise she could be on her play matt all the time. He talks sweetlyto her, but that lasts about 5 minutes. He never gets up at night when she cries. He rarely helps with the household. His excuses are that he works long and want to relax after work. He says, my work school and taking care of baby aren't work. I don't mind cleaning up or cooking, but he expects it. If I don't do it, nobody does.
Our sex life is almost non-existing (about that in another post), and he is mad because of that.
Sometimes I just want to leave for a few days and let him see how it is being without me, but I think he would just live like a single guy.
I want our marriage to work, but sometimes I just want to go away. Don't want to fight. When we talk, he shouts, I cry. I always feel like everything is my fault. I love him (although my friend says, it's jut being used to him), don't want to break appart, but I also don't want to take all the fault at me. 



Any advice how to change/handle it?


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

> His excuses are that he works long and want to relax after work. He says, my work school and taking care of baby aren't work.


Good. If taking care of the baby isn't work then he can do it while you do other things. 

I really wish I could help. He doesn't sound very responsive to you. If there was some way you could indicate that you'd feel more sexual if it felt like he was there for you. That you needed his support. 

Does he do anything around the house?


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## riskey58 (Oct 30, 2007)

I believe this happens a lot. Men sometimes just take it for granted what you do. I think there should be a class that a man should have to take to help them with this.


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## Jewel (Nov 5, 2007)

I am sorry to hear that you do not feel appreciated, I know that a lot of women go through these types of problems, especially once they become mothers. Have you tried to talk to him, and tell him that you feel like you are not being appreciated? Maybe you could ask him to watch the baby while you go out for a day of "me time" a couple times a month?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You know I hate it when people generalise men and what they are. I am a man, I take care of 4 kids 75% of the time (the rest of the time I am at a store I own) I do all the house work. So take this as I mean it please. Taking care of a house is about 2-3 hour worth of work total and taking care of children is "hard". The older children get the easier they become. I raised one from 3 months to 3 years by myself (from my first marriage.)

Now it might not be manly to do, but I think everyone has a responcibility to the kids (not just playing with them) and the house.

But I hear so often of the guys not taking over cooking and cleaning but on another forum I was on with many couples, it often was pointed out that if the car broke down, shoveling, lawn care and fixing the house always fell on the guy no matter how many extra hours he had to put in. The truth is there has to be a middle ground. If he doesn't help around the house refuse to do his landry. It will save you a load or two a week anyways.

Cook before he comes home and eat it then when he asks just say the left overs are in the fridge.

One last thing have you talked to your Doctor about PPD?

draconis


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I find in some ways this is normal especially with the first child. I to went through this and I have had to sit down with my husband and tell him exactly how I feel. I had one time to resort to leaving the house and let him deal with it all for a night. And I will say he did look at it differently after that.


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## Tag (Dec 1, 2007)

Yeah, most men (if not all) think taking care of the kids is a peice of cake- mom does the cooking and cleaning & kids play. lol. You should leave him with the baby & all that housework for just a day & see if that brings him to his senses.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Tag said:


> Yeah, most men (if not all) think taking care of the kids is a peice of cake- mom does the cooking and cleaning & kids play. lol. You should leave him with the baby & all that housework for just a day & see if that brings him to his senses.


<open rant:>

There are 100,000 single fathers out there that do it all by themselfs. I was one for quite some time. Additionally there are about 100,000 stay at home fathers. Many more are like me and do most of the housework even though I own my businss and that comes with many hours. Just because the one guy you are with or the majority on the forums do not conform doesn't mean all fathers are bad. Since I do the house work and four kids I can honestly say it takes no more then 2-3 hours a day to cook and clean the house and that includes the diaper changing duties too. But the bigger picture has to be looked at before everyone goes and bashes men in general. How much do the guys you are bashing actually do and what condition are they in. What around the household are you not giving them credit for? Do they fix the cars, house, take care of the garbage and shovel the snow, I do all of that and take care of the house and kids and I'll tell you that taking care of the kids or the household is the easier of the two at times. So if your husband doesn't do housework then say that instead of claiming non do. As mothers do you have your sons help you cook and clean or are you continuing the cycle?

<:close rant>

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I have to say that in my house chores are not divided by gender. I think that boys and girls can do work inside and outside. I do enjoy the outside, for lack of a better term, more than the inside work. Bottomline it takes team work from the everyone. I understand your position Draconis and your right to vent. Nevertheless, you are the exception to the norm. I hope other men will see your post and re-evaluate the things they do or don't do.......thank you for leading by example.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> I have to say that in my house chores are not divided by gender. I think that boys and girls can do work inside and outside. I do enjoy the outside, for lack of a better term, more than the inside work. Bottomline it takes team work from the everyone. I understand your position Draconis and your right to vent. Nevertheless, you are the exception to the norm. I hope other men will see your post and re-evaluate the things they do or don't do.......thank you for leading by example.


I had a mother that worked 60-70 hours a week in a "man's" job. My father was the "man of the house" and above those chores and I was you youngest so everything fell on me. I am glad it did because I learned to be a good cook and easy ways to clean the house. My first wife never did those things growing up because she had a stay at home mom that did it all for her. With my current wife if I waited on her to do things ....well we will not go there, though she does work hard and go to college. Sorry I ranted but I just felt it slaps men that are getting it done by short changing them. I teach my girls karate like I do the boys and teach them all how to clean and soon will start the second oldest how to cook.

I think today with fast food and premade meals to many people do not know how to cook or clean. Roles are changing and some people are too. Just like racial tensions I think it will take years before each side is truly equal. There is problems both ways and I think society needs to handle all of them.

Do to many men not do enough around the house (inside work) yes I can agree to that. But with one stay at home a little help is all that is needed (I was a stay at home dad for a year). When both people work do I think chores inside and out should be divided?--Yes I think they should. To often around me I have seen women expect men to do 50% of the house work and all the outside work even if she works much less then he does. Fair? No, but again I think society need to handle all the problems.

I hope many men do see my post. I hope more are willing to try to cook or clean too. I think in todays world it all needs to be a "team effort" (coining the phrase from you).

Hopefully we are raising the next generation better. I want my kids to be able to do it all. My eight year old daughter helps me fix things around the house. My son helps me cook, once a week. They both help to clean if the house work falls behind. Hopefully everyone on these forums will raise their kids this way too.

I have always maintained if the guy is unwilling to help, stop doing his laundry until he starts doing loads for himself.

For any guy that is out there reading this what do you have to lose? Step up and just help out, it is your house too.

draconis


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## Jewel (Nov 5, 2007)

Men are not the problem here, and neither are women. It's about individuals. 

My adopted father raised me from the time I was 4 until I was 17. He was a great father, and raised me to be the person I am today. Please don't generalize that men "should" or "need to" take a class or anything. It's not fair to anybody to generalize like that.


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## cadence (Dec 18, 2007)

Regardless of the rare times when men do as much as women the fact is that inequality in household is still rampant...I ave a degree in gender issues and as a result have read many studies that show that even in cases when women work full time they sill do the lions shares of household chores and childcare...as a working mother of four I certainly know that it takes a ot of communication to make sure that doesnt happen around here...although I agree with Draconis that generalistaion are usually not good , in the case of womens workload the assumption that most (not all) women do most of the work is supported by research...Interestingly , a recent study has also show husands less likely to pitch in than boyfriends (which also raises some questions) In terms of men doing most outside chores??? yes I wouold agree that they generally do...however it should be noted that compared to the daily running of a household they are minimal...with perhap one lawn mowing er fortnight and the occasional light bulb changing...(oh and lets not forget rolling the wheelie bins out once a week for thse two minutes) Beside the many studies showing the gender inequality also take this so called 'mens work' into account and women still comes out doing WAYYYYYY more. many studies also show that this injustice is leading to depression in women and interestingly that men who do an equal share of househld chores and childcare have more sex with their wives.....
Look there are literally hundreds of studies showing that women always have , and comtinue to do the buk of unpaid and unappreciated work....here are just a couple but if would like to read more just let me know...In terms of your relationship...talk to him be frank...if he wont change his attitude request counselling.

In terms of singe Dads, well what can I say other than there are just so many more singe moms, yet so often we hear singe dads treated as superheros...A rime example of this exists in our street where we have 3 single parents, 2 moms, 1 dad...Despite the fact I think they all do a great job it is the single Dad who is frequently praised and helped with offeres of babysitting , meals prepared etc...yet the moms are overlooked/.... Whereas Draconis states that of all the chores he does childcare/ housework is the easiest I must disagree...having four children and a full time job I really believe it is much harder (and believe me Ive had some challlenging jobs) Why is it harder? For me its smple ....Im dont fel my efforts are appreciated......could it be this is what millions of other women are experiencing.....Athough Im sure Draconis is doing a great job his experince can never be compared to that of a woman .......simply because he is a man....Its like comparing apples ad oranges......It is not just housework and childcare that are undervalued ....It is specifically WOMEN doing childcare and housework that is undervalued...


Men make a meal of household equality - On Line Opinion - 20/1/2006

Husbands less likely to share housework than live-in boyfriends, study finds

98-093 (Housework Study)


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Guys & Gals,

I think that in Auria's post she is asking for help or advice to improve her situation. 

I don't think this thread should turn into a debate about male/female roles, and who should or shouldn't do "how much" of the work. If you want to talk about that stuff, post it in another thread. 

Draconis has a right to ask people not to generalize about men, and I think that most people don't like it when others generalize about them. It's not a very nice thing to do. 

Cadence, I'm all for you presenting more of this stuff in another thread, but you should link to the actual studies rather than summaries and news reports - those frequently don't tell the whole story.


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