# So confused he is hot and cold-Separated



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi,

My husband and I separated now for the second time. We fight constantly about stupid things and we just don't get along but when I think I am losing him, I then watch myself better. So we have this pattern where he threatens to leave and then I am doing the things he wants his way. Now I am trying to really be authentic about working on myself and controlling my anger that leads us to fight about silly things. I want this to work but he is hot and cold and while his heart says he wants this marriage, his brain says otherwise, and what will be different. 


He is having a hard time finding a place to live as the property in London is expensive and touch to get rentals in the area we live.

On the one hand he tells me he loves me and tells me that I can conquer my issues but on the other he says, if it doesn't work, divorce is not the end of the world. We are in MC and I am doing IC to deal with my anger and fears. But the funny thing is the way he acts with me is that on the one hand we are trying MC but the other hand he says we need to move separately in case it doesn't work. He had dinner with my mom and I yesterday and he was normal and nice and then we chatted for a while and he was very business like. He said that we will just take it day by day, which is what he does when we are and have been in limbo for a year now even living together. So that makes me more hyper and angry fuelling the very things he wants to run away from. 

I am scared to pull away but maybe that is what I need to do in order to have some sanity.He wants space and time and he wants me to do the work on myself. any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea some thoughts...

What kind of things do you express anger over? How do you express that anger? Do you yell a lot? say mean things? Throw things? break things? Hit him?

I guess it would be good to know what has him leaving.

With what you have reveiled so far I'd say get counseling for yourself and improve yourself. You are the only one you can change to focus on you.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

What is HE doing to improve the situation? Even if you do have anger issues... It's only half the problem... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

thanks for your responses. I have yelled at him and one time threw his black berry on the floor, but he also yells at me and has ignored me when he is angry. That is the point, I cannot tell him that he has any role in the marriage to play for the breakdown because he feels the problem begins with me and then it is a cause and effect continuum for him. So I do not focus on him now, I only focus on me. 
I get angry when he ignores me and doesn't prioritise our marriage where he puts his family and work ahead of me. He seems to be unable to multi task and as a result I get crumbs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok so you both yell. There are techniques for stopping that. They work very well. The best one is to just refuse to continue the discussion if yelling starts. Have safe work "STOP!". When yelling starts, say "STOP!", put up your hand in the stop sign. Repeat it once or twice if the yelling continues. Then leave, walk away .... go to another room or leave the house .. for an hour. It's up to each of you to calm yourself down.

if you catch yourself about ready to yell, just tell him that you are leaving to calm yourself down.

I would not worry about throwing an blackberry once. Just stop yourself before throwing anything every again.

Practice the stop techique in front of a mirror... imagine him yelling and do the stop rountine. IMagin yourself getting angry, starting to yell, catching yourself and leaving to calm yourself down. Do this until it's an automatic response. The practice in front of a mirror works... I did it and it's automatic now....even for when things get out of hand with others.

Now to your issus about him not putting your marriage first.

How many hours a week do (or did) you and your husband spend doing date-liek things together? You should be getting at least 15 hours. After that 15 you both should be able to do whatever you want. 

So if you two get 15 hours, if he wants to say visit with his family or help them out with something it should be ok.

What's it been like?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I've had tantrums like that before... In fact, it sounds like we are with the same man - only different names and faces.

Working on and focusing on you are good steps. I learned to stop having those "fits" as a reaction, but the urge is still there. It sounds like your husband is passive aggressive, and those types usually bring out the craziness in others around them.

Unfortunately, I am still trying to figure out how to cope. It's particularly difficult when they shift the blame ("it's all YOUR fault!") and manipulate, ("do this, or I will leave you!")

Gosh, I know how hard it is... I live it, too. I only wish I had some answers... But I can't even seem to wrap my mind around the advice I've been given here... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi YinPrincess. I know it is tough isn't it? Well i have now shown him I take responsibility for my stuff and not discussing his role or his issues and turning it around. It seems to be somewhat positive but let's see how it goes. Are you in the relationship still or are you separated?


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