# Sex is too vanilla



## Itstoovanilla (Mar 9, 2021)

Hello I am 35 years old and my husband is 38. We have been married for 14 years and have kids. We have sex frequently some times multiple times a day. But thats not the problem . He mainly likes doggie style which is okay I guess. The lights are always off, there is no foreplay, he doesn't like making out. He will fondle me a tiny bit, but sometimes fingers me (but he's not good at it). He always wants a bj but he never returns the favor. He always says he doesn't have kinks or fantasies. He even tells me that he is a plain man. I have asked him to try new things, but he always refuses. To top it all off, I never orgasm during sex. After "he is done", he cleans up and goes to bed.I have to use my vibrator to finish. (Which he feels awkward about). I don't know what to do. I love him so much, I don't want to stray. Am I being to selfish? Is there anything I can do?


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

No, you're not being selfish. If I were to do that, I think my wife would've stopped having sex with me long time ago. Simple answer as to what you can do and what you should have done long time ago is as simple as "honey, i'm done having sex with you until you get a clue".


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

OP Your husband is lucky you have put up with this. My wife would have shut me off a long time ago. You need to sit him down and have a conversation with him about pleasing a women in bed. There is a number of books or articles on this. Good Luck


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds selfish to me. And after 14 years, I doubt he'll change. You've asked for more, and he's refused to accommodate your needs. When I was in my early 20s, I lived with a guy who was very vanilla. I was young and rather naïve. But looking back on the situation, I can understand why I grew bored after two years and broke it off.

Unfortunately, you've put up with this for so long, you'll probably have to just tolerate it. Sorry I can't offer more. But it sounds like your husband is unwilling to change.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Variety is the spice of life as they say - especially true in the bedroom. My wife has not always wanted to try everything I want to, but she is willing in most respects. It sounds like there isn't a way to address it better or to talk it out (from your OP) but you certainly can stop the BJs if he isn't willing to go down on you first *(and that's the way I'd suggest you put it).* Marriage is often about compromise and it sounds like he won't. Vanilla is just an excuse, time to put your foot down.

Plain man sounds to me like lazy man. Not to be indelicate, but when he fingers you do you give him clues as to how you like it? Might that help move things along? (of course after 14 years you've probably tried that)


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Itstoovanilla said:


> Hello I am 35 years old and my husband is 38. *We have been married for 14 years and have kids.* We have sex frequently some times *multiple times a day*. But thats not the problem . He mainly likes doggie style which is okay I guess. The lights are always off, there is no foreplay, he doesn't like making out. He will fondle me a tiny bit, but sometimes fingers me (but he's not good at it). He always wants a bj but he never returns the favor. *He always says he doesn't have kinks or fantasies.* He even tells me that he is a plain man. I have asked him to try new things, but he always refuses. To top it all off, I never orgasm during sex. After "he is done", he cleans up and goes to bed.I have to use my vibrator to finish. (Which he feels awkward about). I don't know what to do. *I love him so much, I don't want to stray. Am I being to selfish? Is there anything I can do?*


Sure there is a lot you can do. One thing you can't do is force him to change himself. If he wants to change, he can change himself with your support and encouragement. He has to want it however.

A few thoughts. In the 14 years plus marriage has he always been the same sexually? Do you know about his early sexual experiences, if he had any? Do you know what his sexual fears are? If you sometimes have sex multiple times a day, does he feel he has privacy from your children or their listening?

You can try to work through this yourself, but I think investing in the services of a sex therapist to consul the both of you would be a better approach. The first thing is that you should talk to him. Share with him how much you love him. Tell him that you would like to try to make sex more playful and explorative (which is what the ST that helped save our marriage told us). He will probably say he likes it the way it is. 

Next I would suggest that you and your spouse try some sensate focus exercises, which is what the sex therapist (ST) did to help us. Then look up a "yes/no/maybe list" on the internet. There are lots of them out there. Find one that you can edit or that you like. Make sure it includes some of the things you really want to try. Then print out two copies and tell him you would like to fill it out. Also tell him how much you love him and how nothing he puts a yes or maybe behind will change how you feel about him or how much you love him. A lot of "men" are afraid that if they tell their wives their deepest darkest sexual secrets and fantasies that their wives will no longer respect them. You have to make sure that he feels comfortable and supported sharing any non-vanilla thoughts he may have been suppressing.

Many men who don't have much sexual experience (and that includes some who have only slept with multiple women who only have sex in a certain way) have a limited view of sex and are too afraid to experiment. Fear is something that is hard for men to admit. They know what they have done and are comfortable with it. Sex can be such a big deal for men that they are afraid to try something new for fear of failing and being criticized by their spouse.

At the same time, you need to tell him that if there is something that he wants to do sexually that crosses your personal boundaries, you will not hold it against him or use it to ever embarrass him. You will research it, think about it and see if there isn't some way you can withing your own boundaries figure out how to give him the illusion of what he might want. For example, if he says he wants to have sex with someone else, you could ask him to describe the other person, and then the two of you could role play that he is having sex with the other person. If he wants to try anal sex and you are absolutely against it, then get a Flesh Light male masturbation sleeve shaped like an anus and hold it between your legs while he does you doggy style. The point is find things that may give him the illusion of what he wants if they are something you can't agree to. If you can do that, then maybe he can reciprocate. If you are feeling brave you can even get the Flesh Light and bring it to bed and tell him that you want to play at "anal" without the fear, pain, mess.

Good luck. Seriously, think about going to a sex therapist with him and about talking more about what you would like in a healthy sexual relationship with your husband.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Itstoovanilla said:


> To top it all off, I never orgasm during sex. After "he is done", he cleans up and goes to bed.I have to use my vibrator to finish. (Which he feels awkward about).


I am going to play devil's advocate here...

If you and your husband have sex multiple times a day but you never orgasm during sex, perhaps you are not allowing a chance for that to happen. You may be overstimulating yourself with a vibrator as well as conditioning yourself to only orgasm when you have control of your own pleasure.

Do an experiment with tease and denial. See how long you can go without an orgasm and purposely ask your husband to help you avoid having one while continuing to have sex multiple times a day. The result will be anything but vanilla and you will fail at this with some rather spectacular results.

Let him lock up your vibrator and only allow you to use it for small amounts at a time if you have been good! 

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Itstoovanilla said:


> Hello I am 35 years old and my husband is 38. We have been married for 14 years and have kids. We have sex frequently some times multiple times a day. But thats not the problem . He mainly likes doggie style which is okay I guess. The lights are always off, there is no foreplay, he doesn't like making out. He will fondle me a tiny bit, but sometimes fingers me (but he's not good at it). He always wants a bj but he never returns the favor. He always says he doesn't have kinks or fantasies. He even tells me that he is a plain man. I have asked him to try new things, but he always refuses. To top it all off, I never orgasm during sex. After "he is done", he cleans up and goes to bed.I have to use my vibrator to finish. (Which he feels awkward about). I don't know what to do. I love him so much, I don't want to stray. Am I being to selfish? Is there anything I can do?


You might be being selfish by avoiding confrontation and being honest about how you feel. Particularly if in the end this destroys your relationship.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> You might be being selfish by avoiding confrontation and being honest about how you feel. Particularly if in the end this destroys your relationship.


THIS is an often not-considered viewpoint, and a VERY interesting way to look at a partner's responsibility in their sexual relationship...!!! So, sometimes fear and avoiding confrontation is selfish...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS is an often not-considered viewpoint, and a VERY interesting way to look at a partner's responsibility in their sexual relationship...!!! So, sometimes fear and avoiding confrontation is selfish...


Yep if you want to be kind try to be confrontation as kindly as possible. But don't avoid it all together.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> THIS is an often not-considered viewpoint, and a VERY interesting way to look at a partner's responsibility in their sexual relationship...!!! So, sometimes fear and avoiding confrontation is selfish...


One book I read talks about this as if making a deal with the devil. It can be so difficult to deal with confrontation as a couple so there is a tendency to actually help each other avoid it. In doing so it prevents the relationship from developing and growing which results in its demise.

He feels awkward about her using a vibrator so she likely uses it discretely most of the time to avoid confrontation. She feels awkward about not being able to experience mutual pleasure so she takes care of herself with a vibrator to avoid confrontation. 

He is aware of her using a vibrator and may have not objected to this issue as a way to avoid confrontation. He knows he will never be efficient as a vibrator and likely avoids trying to pleasure her to avoid confrontation (as doing so would likely fail and cause an argument). 

There was a website long ago called reuniting.info that discussed using tantric sex as a solution to these type of problems. I like it as "karezza" was about avoiding orgasm as a way to heal relationships. In my opinion it worked because it flipped the dynamics of sex upside down so that failing at not having an orgasm would result in something rather rewarding. So it is a rather interesting solution that still avoids a great deal of conflict by shifting goals. As a result a couple should learn to focus more on an emotional connection rather than the goal of an orgasm which is where all the true pleasure is created after years of being together. 

At the end of the day, avoiding conflict destroys relationships. So the OP will have to address this head on and brace herself for a struggle that may end the relationship or heal it at some point. 

Badsanta


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

What you’re describing here is not vanilla sex, it’s just bad sex with an incompetent, uninvested partner. If he is really this closed and unwilling to try to meet your sexual needs, there are other issues going on.

Unfortunately it looks like it’s up to you to help him understand what you need and how to do it. You need to show him what you want, have open, non-judgmental conversations with him about what you need and want from him in the bedroom. If that isn’t working, maybe instructional porn or sex therapist. If you’ve already tried these things, then it’s not that he can’t meet your needs, he is just choosing not to, and not willing to try.

it may be time for you to tell him clearly that he’s not meeting your sexual needs and if he refuses to work with you on it, then you will need to go outside the marriage to get them met, or divorce.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Itstoovanilla said:


> Hello I am 35 years old and my husband is 38. We have been married for 14 years and have kids. We have sex frequently some times multiple times a day. But thats not the problem . He mainly likes doggie style which is okay I guess. The lights are always off, there is no foreplay, he doesn't like making out. He will fondle me a tiny bit, but sometimes fingers me (but he's not good at it). He always wants a bj but he never returns the favor. He always says he doesn't have kinks or fantasies. He even tells me that he is a plain man. I have asked him to try new things, but he always refuses. To top it all off, I never orgasm during sex. After "he is done", he cleans up and goes to bed.I have to use my vibrator to finish. (Which he feels awkward about). I don't know what to do. I love him so much, I don't want to stray. Am I being to selfish? Is there anything I can do?


What new things have you asked him to try?

Just curious as to why would you have sex multiple times a day if you are not really getting any pleasure out of it?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I agree with * DudeInProgress, *its not vanilla sex. He's lucky you have put up with it for so long and remained faithful. What he's doing _IS NOT_ remotely sensual or respectful. You're going to have to sit him down and have a talk with him. And I don't mean be nagging or mean... but "Honey, I need more. I feel like I'm getting nothing out of this. I love, you...".

In a healthy relationship, sex should be mutually good for both partners as much as possible. He sounds selfish, doesn't care about your needs. For many of us guys, having a woman get an orgasm, or good time is part of the "fun"... Sadly, many many guys are exactly like your husband and it's years of bad sex. What he calls "kinks and fantasies" = nothing. Seems like he's barely out of virgin mode. Now, first and foremost - DO NOT CHEAT on your husband. Resolve the issue because you saying "I don't want to stray. " = you are thinking about it. Don't do it.
Yes, it'll be very easy for you to find a man who'll go downtown on you, and you will have excitement with sex. But your mind is going "Am I going to put up with this for another 5, 14 years? Or until one of us dies??" So resolve this. He needs to MAN-UP and sexually satisfy this wife. This "slam-bam, thank you ma'am" is what guys do to prostitutes.

So talking is going to be important. And if he's not willing to do anything for you, then I'd consider it a red flag in your relationship... may even try couples/sex therapy. Good sex with your partner is how you build that connection. Otherwise... there isn't much there. Watch some porn (hub) see what you like, and want to try out... and show to him. The very things you talk about wanting, most of us have been doing since our teen years. I've been with a divorced woman (married as a virgin - for 18+ years) and while her experience was no different than yours, maybe worse as he never touched her breasts. It was all on him. I showed her things she never experienced before, she was even embarrassed - at first. She was a good lover. (Smoking was a huge turn-off thou).

Things to think about / talk about.

Is it possible he's a closet homosexual? (Doggy style + never gives oral)
Could he be cheating - There is a thing in which some guys will do basic sex with the wife, and kinky-porn sex with an AP or prostitute.
What do you want out of the relationship? You're already thinking outside the marriage. You do that, you WILL break your family. He needs to make THE EFFORT to be a better lover.
Consider no more oral sex unless it's mutual. Sorry, if a guy demands his female partner to perform on him, he *should return the favor.*
It's okay to have reasonable expectations in the bedroom. You're not asking for XXX-hardcore BDSM level stuff. If he's 100% no-go, then you need to make a choice.
*If Husband refuses - Your basic choices:*
1 - Do nothing. Continue as is until death or divorce.
2 - Cheat on him. You'll likely get caught, fall in love with some other guy (Orgams does that sort of thing) and kids will hate you.
3 - Tell him you need more, take steps for divorce. (It'll hurt, but again - cheating is already a seed in your mind. Don't do it)
3B - You can always stop a divorce if your husband decides to take you seriously and finally does something. (Get books on improving sex in the bedroom)

Now, my ex-wife cheated on me many times, it wasn't the sex issue on my end. A lot of other crap. But I tried my best to save my family. And I think two adults should do their best to save their marriage and bring up their children if at all possible. Minus abuse, cheating, toxic issues, etc. To me, if its not worth your husband's time and energy to make you feel valued in the bedroom, then I don't think he loves you all that much. (I would view that differently _IF_ he also thought you giving him BJs was gross and would only have sex with you once every 1~6+ months. But having sex almost daily is telling) Also, lets say he does improve a bit (gives oral and a few other things), but over the course of 3 months, that drops off and you find yourself right back where you started... then there really is no hope for both of you. To be honest... At 38yrs old, he'll likely always be lame in bed... only cares about his own needs.

None of those 3 options are good. But take them seriously if he's a NO-GO.
Option 1 = You're going to be miserable, you know what other people do. You can see it in porn, or read about it in sex stories or books. I doubt that'll happen... you're likely to cheat. (By The way, I give you POINTS for being faithful. Thats very respectful of you, but you should be respected)
Option 2 = You're going to feel bad about it. You'll send end up divorced and a lot of drama. Things will go very bad for everyone, the kids as well.
Option 3 = You have a controlled situation. You told him you're done. The kids can know that it HAS nothing to do with them... There is no back-stabbing or lies or cheating. This will be the least-painful and least drama divorce you can do.

You file, enter separation mode. remove the rings. You and him can have your own plans. It also means NO MORE sex with him. (That would make the divorce messy)
Tell him he may date whoever he wants, and you do the same. Don't be in a serious relationship with anyone for 1~3 years. You're 35yrs old, quite young. I've seen/known divorced women in their 40s and 50s who divorced and having the time of their lives - wishing they did it earlier.

So please, talk with him. No kids in the home. It's a "We got things to talk about or our marriage is going to be in rough waters months or years from now".

Good luck!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I wonder if this was a legit post or a drive by poster?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Itstoovanilla said:


> I don't know what to do. I love him so much, I don't want to stray. Am I being to selfish? Is there anything I can do?


Its bad to be stuck with a poor, "wham bam, thank you mam" lover. Unfortunately that will never change. The guy is 38 and lacks the will and probably the ability to satisfy a woman. He likely prefers the "doggy" style because it doesn't offer much intimacy, and allows him to avoid eye contact. He can just pound away unfettered without thoughts of pleasing anyone but himself. Plus there’s no clitoral stimulation with the doggy style which is probably the reason you don't reach orgasm (other than the fact you don't like sex with him because he's inept.) If he wasn't he'd know how to handle the doggy style to give your g-spot stimulation, or have you sit up a little where he could hold your vibrator and caress your clitoris vulva and other erogenous zones. By your own admission, you don't get any foreplay at all. If he wasn't incompetent in the love making department, he's be giving slow, steady back massages, caressing your shoulders, the small of your back, and your azz. But with his lack of skill and his attitude, all you'll ever be in his sex department is booty call.
If you want to enjoy getting laid and have a full monty sex life, you'll need to ditch him or find someone on the side with at least minimum skill pleasing a woman. I'd suggest the latter if he makes good money. If not, why keep him around?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Do an experiment with tease and denial. See how long you can go without an orgasm and purposely ask your husband to help you avoid having one while continuing to have sex multiple times a day. The result will be anything but vanilla and you will fail at this with some rather spectacular results.


Sorry, BillyBob, this is such a load of horseshit that I can't let it go uncontested. First, she doesn't have to ask her husband to help her avoid an orgasm because he doesn't give a rat's patoot if she does or not. He doesn't know or care how to bring her to orgasm. In fact, he would prefer that she not (as evidenced by not liking her to use a vibrator). Second, all she will get is another unsatisfying session of pump and dump. This guy does not know or care about how to please a woman.

If she is going to do any experiment, she can experiment on how long denying him sex will cause him to rethink his attitude that only he gets to enjoy sex. He isn't too old to learn.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I don't know Blondi. I don't this think cat has a clue about pleasing women or has the will to try. He labels himself as a "plain man" that is satisfied with what I call, "masterbatus in vaginus" If she tells his sorry azz anything, it ought to be, "One way or another, I'm ending up with a man that gives me adequate foreplay and orgasms. I hope that man is going to be you."


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Sorry, BillyBob, this is such a load of horseshit that I can't let it go uncontested. First, she doesn't have to ask her husband to help her avoid an orgasm because he doesn't give a rat's patoot if she does or not. He doesn't know or care how to bring her to orgasm. In fact, he would prefer that she not (as evidenced by not liking her to use a vibrator). Second, all she will get is another unsatisfying session of pump and dump. This guy does not know or care about how to please a woman.
> 
> If she is going to do any experiment, she can experiment on how long denying him sex will cause him to rethink his attitude that only he gets to enjoy sex. He isn't too old to learn.


What you are describing is passive aggressive behavior of refusing sex in order to bring about change. Generally speaking passive aggressive behavior only serves to create more problems and make things worse as it will build mutual resentment. 

Shifting to tantric sex meanwhile actually may serve to help as it shifts the focus of lovemaking and will hopefully shine a big light on issues from a different perspective. 

If she tells her husband to purposely help her avoid orgasm, I'm pretty sure he is so bad at everything that he will fail at that request since he can't do anything right. As a result she will have an orgasm. 

It is reverse psychology!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> What you are describing is passive aggressive behavior of refusing sex in order to bring about change. Generally speaking passive aggressive behavior only serves to create more problems and make things worse as it will build mutual resentment.
> 
> Shifting to tantric sex meanwhile actually may serve to help as it shifts the focus of lovemaking and will hopefully shine a big light on issues from a different perspective.
> 
> ...


How is putting her foot down and stating that she refuses to be used anymore being passive/aggressive? You're advocating she continue to cater to his selfishness which has probably brought them to this point in the first place. The dude don't got it and it's high time he gets it.

Besides, he is a 'plain' man and would probably immediately eschew anything called 'tantric'. There is no lovemaking going on, here. There is simply bend over and take one for the team.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Let’s cut to the chase: He sucks in bed and will never change. End of story.


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## Itstoovanilla (Mar 9, 2021)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> What new things have you asked him to try?
> 
> Just curious as to why would you have sex multiple times a day if you are not really getting any pleasure out of it?


We have talked about trying another of things. Mainly where he takes charge. I have even suggested a threesome. (He says is hard to keep up with me let alone another woman) We have sex whether I want it or not, I don't get a choice. When I say no he doesn't anyways. I eventually give up and let him do what he wants, so he doesn't get mad


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Itstoovanilla said:


> We have talked about trying another of things. Mainly where he takes charge. I have even suggested a threesome. (He says is hard to keep up with me let alone another woman) We have sex whether I want it or not, I don't get a choice. When I say no he doesn't anyways. I eventually give up and let him do what he wants, so he doesn't get mad


Huh. If you're the one suggesting an ffm threesome, that's telling me you definitely can look back and say you did try everything, after you leave the M.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Itstoovanilla said:


> We have talked about trying another of things. Mainly where he takes charge. I have even suggested a threesome. (He says is hard to keep up with me let alone another woman) We have sex whether I want it or not, I don't get a choice. When I say no he doesn't anyways. I eventually give up and let him do what he wants, so he doesn't get mad


So I'm guessing you bring in the other woman to put her foot down and be confrontational with your husband about how to pleasure a woman so that you don't have to?


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Ok so reading your post it sounds like he is treating your sex like screwing a *****. Hate to say it like that. Sorry. Question is are you willing to try a sex therapist? Or some other form of therapy. If you are thinking a threesome then I think you have given up on things getting better. Your marriage may be over in reality. You already are thinking about sex with someone else. Don’t cheat. Just end it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Itstoovanilla said:


> We have talked about trying another of things. Mainly where he takes charge. I have even suggested a threesome. (He says is hard to keep up with me let alone another woman) We have sex whether I want it or not, I don't get a choice. When I say no he doesn't anyways. I eventually give up and let him do what he wants, so he doesn't get mad


You do know that this is known as marital rape? Next time he starts this bs, tell him that he will not be raping you anymore. If he is any kind of man, the word 'rape' will make him sit up and take notice. No means no whether you are married or not.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I am going to add a little bit more that I was trying to avoid saying. I think that the H may have "learned" about sex from prostitutes. From what I have heard and read, sex with a prostitute is about a quick exchange of services for money: Foreplay is not desired on the part of the sex worker nor are real orgasms; doggy style to avoid facial (visual) contact is a plus; BJ's are given but cunnilingus is not generally on the table; having the guy clean up afterwards and distance himself as soon as he has climaxed is also part of the way things are preferred by the sex worker.

I suspect that the husband was introduced to "professional sex" at a tender age and assumes that is what "normal sex" is all about and is probably too shy or threatened to know how to change. Hopefully, he stopped seeking sex worker services well before he was married.

If my assumption is correct, the Husband needs a lover/wife to show him what real emotional intimacy and sex are about. If I am correct, he is damaged and needs to unlearn toxic behavior. Again, I think that a professional set therapist (marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems) is the best way to proceed. The ST can provide the couple with video's, homework sessions, articles to read, and mediate some rough discussions that need to take place.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Itstoovanilla said:


> We have talked about trying another of things. Mainly where he takes charge. I have even suggested a threesome. (He says is hard to keep up with me let alone another woman) We have sex whether I want it or not, I don't get a choice. *When I say no he doesn't anyways. I eventually give up and let him do what he wants, so he doesn't get mad*



_That's_ a dynamic that all the relationship books and tantric sex in the world ain't gonna fix. 

OP, has your husband ever been violent with you? Why are you afraid of making him mad?


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## Itstoovanilla (Mar 9, 2021)

He does have anger issues, but it's mainly cause I like making people happy. I can't stand when people are upset with me


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Itstoovanilla said:


> He does have anger issues, but it's mainly cause I like making people happy. I can't stand when people are upset with me


you can't live to make other people happy with you, it's a model that will eventually take a toll on your psyche, and health.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Itstoovanilla said:


> He does have anger issues, but it's mainly cause I like making people happy. I can't stand when people are upset with me


Anger issues are something you cannot fix for him. I wouldn't stay with a man who has "anger issues" and forces sex I've said no to. Why do you?

OP, I think what you need more than anything else is a good therapist for yourself. Find one that will help you do the work of learning about, setting, and maintaining healthy boundaries, and on building a healthy level of self-esteem. If you had more respect for yourself and healthy boundaries, you wouldn't fear other people being upset so much that you'd tolerate being used as a forced masturbatory aid for your husband.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Itstoovanilla said:


> He does have anger issues, but it's *mainly cause I like making people happy. I can't stand when people are upset with me*


Everyone here will be upset with you unless you learn to put your foot down and stand up for what you need in your marriage in order to feel loved and cared for by your husband! 

If he has anger issues be sure and engage in challenging discussions after a large meal (as he will be relaxed and more willing to listen)!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Itstoovanilla said:


> He does have anger issues, but it's mainly cause I like making people happy. I can't stand when people are upset with me


He has anger issues.

That has nothing to do with you.

Wth?


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Here, I'm going to be brutally honest. Sex always dwindles as time goes on. Do you think you could find better sex out there in the world? On dating sites? 
Why dont you leave your husband, get used for countless one nighters by horny dishonest honey-tongued men on dating sites and grow old alone with your husband never forgiving you? 
He can love you and still not enjoy the idea of sex with you every single day. 

I don't understand why the man is the 'bad guy' here. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy F ing you anymore. Sex isnt everything, and if it is to you then you'll get what you deserve.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

damo7 said:


> Here, I'm going to be brutally honest. Sex always dwindles as time goes on. Do you think you could find better sex out there in the world? On dating sites?
> Why dont you leave your husband, get used for countless one nighters by horny dishonest honey-tongued men on dating sites and grow old alone with your husband never forgiving you?
> He can love you and still not enjoy the idea of sex with you every single day.
> 
> I don't understand why the man is the 'bad guy' here. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy F ing you anymore. Sex isnt everything, and if it is to you then you'll get what you deserve.


Wow, it must be really hard being that bitter. Good luck with that.

OP has a legitimate issue here and from everything we know, her husband is failing miserably in a key area of marriage. And I’m far from the “happy wife, happy life” crowd. Usually quite the opposite.

And no, sex does not always dwindle over time. Maybe that’s the sad reality in your world, but not the case for many of us.

I don’t know how much better she could do elsewhere, but it doesn’t sound like it would be much worse.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

damo7 said:


> I don't understand why the man is the 'bad guy' here.


He's the bad guy because he treats his wife like a prostitute and doesn't take no for an answer. Is that good enough for you?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

damo7 said:


> Here, I'm going to be brutally honest. Sex always dwindles as time goes on. Do you think you could find better sex out there in the world? On dating sites?
> Why dont you leave your husband, get used for countless one nighters by horny dishonest honey-tongued men on dating sites and grow old alone with your husband never forgiving you?
> He can love you and still not enjoy the idea of sex with you every single day.
> 
> I don't understand why the man is the 'bad guy' here. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy F ing you anymore. Sex isnt everything, and if it is to you then you'll get what you deserve.


I bet your wife is so happy 

Bitter As Fuc.....


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Girl you are your own person that is just as important as he is. Take control of your sex life. 

If you don’t want to do doggy, don’t. Sometimes you just gotta turn him over and say I’m going on top! And mount him. There is no question, just do it. Grab your vibrator while on top and have at it. 

If he wants a blow job good for him. Tell him you want one first. Seriously. Stop giving him blow jobs until he goes down on you. Once he goes down on you, then he is allowed a blow job. If he wants another, he has to go down on you again. This sounds childish but this is what selfish people get for being selfish. 

I understand the whole fingering thing. Some men think they can just grab down there and poke around and it will feel good. The unfortunate thing is... women get wet as a protective mechanism, not only as a sign of our excitement. Why? Because when we are getting raped, we don’t rip ourselves to death. So just because a man pokes down there and we get wet doesn’t mean that we enjoy it, it is our body getting ready to protect itself. Unfortunately many men don’t know this. This is why it’s up to us to tell them. There is nothing worse then a guy touching down there when I am dry as a dessert, ouch!! I’ve had to tell a guy before never ever again. Start touching my vagina through my underwear for a while first. It takes some women time to warm up, especially when we agree to sex and we’re not in the mood.

Use your voice. Give him a chance to be a good lover to you, just teach him how. If he isnt willing to learn, then stop being so generous with him. Because two can play the “I don’t want to game". 

also, use the vibrater during sex.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

"At the end of the day, avoiding conflict destroys relationships. So the OP will have to address this head on and brace herself for a struggle that may end the relationship or heal it at some point."

Yep. My partner and I both left long term, more-decent-than-most marriages in pursuit of sex. Not everything post divorce has been _great_ but sex certainly has been. Cuz they want to please me. If you can revive your marital sex, that'd be amazing and why not? You should be upset with yourself for not getting yourself happy. Please yourself! by helping him DO HIS JOB pleasing you. Trust me on this one. I was quiet for a very long time and I paid, he paid, the kids paid. You are arguably the most important person in your family. So many depend on you. You matter. Take charge.

For my practical suggestion, go on Tinder. It may take awhile but make a special girlfriend. With or without him.

Things gotta bend or they break.


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