# "Expecting" sex



## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Last night my wife and I get into an argument about "expecting" sex. It had been 3 days since we were intimate. We usually average every 2-3 days. Sometimes it's 4 sometimes it's a couple days in a row. Anyway. I had initiated the night before and was sorta blown off, so I'm thinking she knows I want it. I played with her a little before work, and she says tonight we have to get the kids in bed early. GREAT! Send her a naughty snapchat at work. Every thing's ok. Get home, we go grocery shopping and she mentions a pain. I ask about it. She says it's not too bad more uncomfortable. So we get in bed later and nothing. 

Admittedly, I'm pissed at this point. I know I shouldn't be or at least not show it but I am and I do. My fault there. Then she goes off on I always "expect" sex, makes it feel like a job, she's not in the mood because of the pain mentioned earlier, that she needs a couple of days between to recharge. Which is why we average 2-3 days between. She wants it to be spontaneous and natural, not scheduled. Natural to me would be every day so it's going to be unnatural for one of us. She never mentioned the pain being to a point where sex would not be enjoyable. She's mentioned headaches and the like before but if I said something about not having sex that night her answer would be, "oh we're doing it" and it didn't seem sarcastic or like she was relenting to sex. If I had known the pain was the reason, not a problem. If it hurts too bad to do it, I don't want to do it. But she didn't tell me. 

Now I guess my question is was I "expecting" sex as in I thought we should do it no matter what, or did I anticipate sex and was disappointed by nothing with no explanation. Should she have explained or should I just have let it go? How do you not expect sex when the whole day you've been led to believe it's coming?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh, and I tell her she rejected me the night before too and she says, "Just because I wasn't in the mood does not mean I rejected you."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> Admittedly, I'm pissed at this point. I know I shouldn't be or at least not show it but I am and I do. My fault there.


Do you think that if you had NOT shown that you were pissed the way you did that things wouldn't have escalated? Sounds like what she said was a reaction to what you did.

She probably should have explained herself better, but really, no one's perfect. If your sex life is generally good and you're gettin it every 2-3 days, then really, I wouldn't complain.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You need to make the distinction between "pissed" and "disappointed" and then follow through on it. 

It is certainly normal to anticipate sex in that situation. But if she genuinely can't connect that night, you can't be pissed about it.

As a general matter, is she good on following through on rain checks?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

That is one of my biggest faults.

I find myself expecting sex, and it usually just leads to hurt feelings. But you're right, it's hard not too.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Do you think that if you had NOT shown that you were pissed the way you did that things wouldn't have escalated? Sounds like what she said was a reaction to what you did.
> 
> She probably should have explained herself better, but really, no one's perfect. If your sex life is generally good and you're gettin it every 2-3 days, then really, I wouldn't complain.


It probably wouldn't have. It does make me wonder if she's been holding it in and it came out, or if she was just saying these things because she felt attacked.



Tall Average Guy said:


> You need to make the distinction between "pissed" and "disappointed" and then follow through on it.
> 
> It is certainly normal to anticipate sex in that situation. But if she genuinely can't connect that night, you can't be pissed about it.
> 
> As a general matter, is she good on following through on rain checks?


Rain checks are usually not a problem. We usually don't even need them. You're right I was pissed not just disappointed. Kinda tried to minimize my fault there. If she had told me why, honestly I would have been disapointed but it wouldn't have gone the way it did. And I need to work on not letting my emotions get the best of me. Any ideas, other than just stop. That's not working.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> Rain checks are usually not a problem. We usually don't even need them. You're right I was pissed not just disappointed. Kinda tried to minimize my fault there. If she had told me why, honestly I would have been disapointed but it wouldn't have gone the way it did. And I need to work on not letting my emotions get the best of me. Any ideas, other than just stop. That's not working.


Then talk to her about it. Apologize for your reaction and explain how you let your anticipation get the best of you. Then ask if she could help by managing expectations. When, like here, sex looks to be reasonably on the menu, but she knows it won't be, letting you know sooner is helpful.

Of course, you then need to react appropriately.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> It probably wouldn't have. It does make me wonder if she's been holding it in and it came out, or if she was just saying these things because she felt attacked.


So ASK her which it was.



I Don't Know said:


> Rain checks are usually not a problem. We usually don't even need them. You're right I was pissed not just disappointed. Kinda tried to minimize my fault there. If she had told me why, honestly I would have been disapointed but it wouldn't have gone the way it did. And I need to work on not letting my emotions get the best of me. Any ideas, other than just stop. That's not working.


I am highly emotional and tend to wear them on my sleeve and let them spew out of my mouth. I have had limited success with breathing techniques, journalling, counseling, and book reading. I have to be able to express my emotion but not let it take me over, which I find quite hard.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

This happens sometimes, just do your best to pretend is doesn't bother you. If it shows you are angry that will back fire on you, at most just show you are disappointed.

It works wonders.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Try to remember that it's one thing to expect a reasonable sex life and quite another to throw a tantrum if sex doesn't happen as you anticipated (assuming you're getting it regularly, which you are). A spouse has to have some reasonable freedom to say no if they're not up to it, and throwing a fit only makes you look like a pouty baby, which is highly unattractive and does make it a chore. Apologize for throwing a fit, especially since you say you get rain checks, and give your wife some freedom if she's not up for it. It shows that you consider her needs as well as yours.

We have nights where one of us isn't up for it, and neither would dream of throwing a fit. We know it'll happen soon, because it usually does if you have an otherwise healthy sex life and you take the pressure off.

I too need a couple of days to recharge, if my hb hounded me for sex more often I wouldn't enjoy very much of it. Some of us are like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow! That was me 2 weeks ago. Set up then Crash at the last minute. I read a lot and one book reminded me that sometimes our reactions to one person have a lot to do with something that happened with another person years ago. I'm thinking this disappointment in a promised treat being withdrawn is intensified by my childhood experience. In fact I've got to start separating that.
MN


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

Whats funny to me is that I did this to my Wife a few days ago. We had a nooner, she got hers but wasn't fully satisfied. I said no problem we will do it again tonight. Well I ended up crashing on the couch. She tried to wake me up but I was out of it. So nothing happened. She has been reminding me about it for days lol. Man I screw up and feel guilty and lost out on some good sex....... damn it


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Expecting sex..OR..expecting love? 

Hmpf!!

Wonder what the pain is though? 
Is it still bothering her?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You have no right to get pissed. Things come up. You average 2-3 days between sex. You should be happy with that. I understand why she feels like it's a job sometimes. You make her feel that way.


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## JASON58 (Jul 26, 2014)

I think as , each of you get older, there will be more disappointments, so you might better just prepare yourself for more No`s in the future..
Enjoy every 2 or 3 days, while you can with the odd no here and there, getting upset does no good, just makes you look bad.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am not sure I understand what she means by expecting sex. Does she mean looking forwards to the pleasure of sex or feeling pressured to have sex or giving and getting nothing back? 

It depends on what she means. Rather than assume you know ask her to explain. She is making a big deal out of having sex (not good big deal) does she not enjoy sex when you do have sex?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You have no right to get pissed. Things come up. *You average 2-3 days between sex. You should be happy with that. *I understand why she feels like it's a job sometimes. You make her feel that way.


I disagree with that. A more fair compromise would be shooting for 3 to 4 days a week. How you go about getting to this point is the big question. Seduction is what is needed, not guilt trips. Of course, I fell in that trap too from time to time.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

It sounds like you both mis-communicated, but her's was an error of omission whereas yours could be considered a lack of maturity. Don't take that as too hard a slam - as I have had the EXACT same response, although not at 3 days out. 
She shouldn't have to say to you "honey there will be no sex tonight" for you to "allow" sex not to happen without you losing emotional control. Maybe she was looking forward to it, and needed eased into the situation and then your attitude shut her down? I KNOW, from her own mouth, that I've done exactly this with my wife. A calm, confident man is attractive. An angry (or pissed), snappy man because he isn't getting it that night comes across as childish and whiny, and can make it feel like a chore. 
There are myriad ways to deal with this. One option is to discuss expectations. If you've gotten worked up, and she's not down with it, then you're free to go "take care of the issue" yourself. Or perhaps you address the issue in the way (headache or physical pain), and then she makes an effort to meet your desires. Key here will be what works for you and her, make it a TEAM thing, not just about how she can please you.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Surely its better NOT to expect anything....that way you won't feel hurt, rejected etc?

Then when she does 'come on' to you, wahay! Party time!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you are having that much sex, you must be doing something right.

I would pretty much ignore this comment.

But, you should not outwardly show you are pissed or upset if you get rejected.

If she ever says "you expect sex", I would say the correct answer is "Yes, I expect sex in my marriage".

And if she says you make it feel like a job, you say "I can't put thoughts in your head. But I think it's a wonderful thing we share and it makes me very happy in my marriage to have a great sex life".


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

bkaydezz said:


> Expecting sex..OR..expecting love?
> 
> Hmpf!!
> 
> ...


The pain is hemorrhoids. It's a sensitive subject 

I have them too and I know they can hurt like hell. She said they weren't painful but burning a little, so I didn't take that as they were that bad.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I am not sure I understand what she means by expecting sex. Does she mean looking forwards to the pleasure of sex or feeling pressured to have sex or giving and getting nothing back?
> 
> It depends on what she means. Rather than assume you know ask her to explain. She is making a big deal out of having sex (not good big deal) does she not enjoy sex when you do have sex?


She means feeling pressured. She says every 2-3 days is good for her but she knows if day 3 passes and there's no sex I will be upset. Usually this will manifest in me asking her if something is wrong, not a full blown argument. 

She does enjoy sex. I always make sure she is satisfied.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Everyone else, you're absolutely right. My reaction was terrible. I usually will ask her if something is wrong or something like that (which she sees as pressure I guess?), but this time I had all kinds of jacked up thoughts in my head and I let them get me going. My last marriage was low frequency high rejection, I guess I'm still not over that. 

But normally our sexlife is fantastic. This sort of thing usually does not happen. She's just got me worried now that she's doing it more than she wants to to keep me happy AND is starting to resent it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

askari said:


> Surely its better NOT to expect anything....that way you won't feel hurt, rejected etc?
> 
> Then when she does 'come on' to you, wahay! Party time!


Strong dislike.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You learned your lesson, so just watch yourself and don't let it happen again, or at least very rare.

The good news; you have a wife that enjoys sex, gets off and is medium drive. A lot of men would wish for that.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> You learned your lesson, so just watch yourself and don't let it happen again, or at least very rare.
> 
> The good news; you have a wife that enjoys sex, gets off and is medium drive. A lot of men would wish for that.


Agreed 100%. I need to keep that in mind, I am very lucky. I think I've been focusing on sex too much lately and maybe that's why she's feeling pressure. 

I've been having problems with RJ more so than normal the last 2 months. It's causing me to worry about a sex life that is absolutely fine as it is. I keep coming back to the things she did for her X, and how she'd do ANYTHING he wanted just because he was breathing. That night I was thinking, I bet you never denied him when he wanted it. Stupid I know. I have no way of knowing if she ever did or didn't. It's a pretty good bet she didn't but I don't KNOW that for fact. Either way, it doesn't matter because even if she fvcked his everytime he whistled for it, that's not what I want our sex life to be like. I want it to be as enjoyable for her as it can possibly be. Still, thinking someone else was more important to her stings...a lot.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

askari said:


> Surely its better NOT to expect anything....that way you won't feel hurt, rejected etc?
> 
> Then when she does 'come on' to you, wahay! Party time!


I get what your saying here. Just relax and let it happen. Even if I just went on her schedule it'd still be a couple times a week, so not exactly waiting forever, right?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JASON58 said:


> I think as , each of you get older, there will be more disappointments, so you might better just prepare yourself for more No`s in the future..
> Enjoy every 2 or 3 days, while you can with the odd no here and there, getting upset does no good, just makes you look bad.


I'm getting older too. At this point after seeing how much sex and proper response and intimacy adds to my overall life I could never go forward accepting a lack of or a minimal amount.

I'm to the point where taking on lovers might be a worthwhile thing to do if it's that important to you.

If the spouse does not want that then they would be happy to perform up to a reasonable expectation.

I think every other day to 3 days a week is a good minimal.

I mean we don't need it two times a day do we?

Some people might find a higher frequency is that important to them and will be willing to do something about it, versus suffer a lack.

I'm just past the point of allowing some other person to limit or control it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The more you expect it, the less you ll get it.. Every 2 to 3 days is a pretty good average.. You should be happy with what you are getting, because some of us here woud kill to have sex that often... Just sayin


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

OK, so how do I....

Give her time to recharge her drive, initiate when I want, and not seem like I'm expecting it?

Is it all in the response or by waiting 3 days and then initiating does that say I'm expecting something that night. I really don't get it. It seems to me that by initiating I'm saying "I expect sex."


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

So, I got a text from her saying just so there's no confusion she's in the mood. I said I know 6 people who will c0ck block any attempt (we have all our kids this weekend). She responds with, they don't have a say I'm getting some tonight!

WTH? That's not expecting sex?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> Last night my wife and I get she's not in the mood because of the pain mentioned earlier,



Before I was married, I always thought the "I have a headache" thing was just a line for comedy, but I realized it was based in reality in my marriage. I remember when i was married, the pains always seemed more frequent when she knew I was in the mood. I remember nights when I would be in bed and she would enter the room with a scowl on her face complaining of some kind of minor pain. 

Of course, if someone had come up at that moment and wanted to play badminton or something, she would certainly have had strength for that for hours.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There is a root issue here beyond this singular, rare incident. 

I'd be more concerned with why "expecting sex" is being cast in a negative light.

What's wrong with you "expecting sex" in your marriage?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

southbound said:


> Before I was married, I always thought the "I have a headache" thing was just a line for comedy, but I realized it was based in reality in my marriage. I remember when i was married, the pains always seemed more frequent when she knew I was in the mood. I remember nights when I would be in bed and she would enter the room with a scowl on her face complaining of some kind of minor pain.
> 
> Of course, if someone had come up at that moment and wanted to play badminton or something, she would certainly have had strength for that for hours.


That sucks, my first W did that too. I don't believe that's what's going on here though. She's not been bad about headaches and what not before.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I Don't Know said:


> Everyone else, you're absolutely right. My reaction was terrible. I usually will ask her if something is wrong or something like that (which she sees as pressure I guess?), but this time I had all kinds of jacked up thoughts in my head and I let them get me going. My last marriage was low frequency high rejection, I guess I'm still not over that.
> 
> But normally our sexlife is fantastic. This sort of thing usually does not happen. She's just got me worried now that she's doing it more than she wants to to keep me happy AND is starting to resent it.


I wanted to commend you for getting out of the sexless relationship. And commend you again for getting into one that's full of sex.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

jaquen said:


> There is a root issue here beyond this singular, rare incident.
> 
> I'd be more concerned with why "expecting sex" is being cast in a negative light.
> 
> What's wrong with you "expecting sex" in your marriage?


I think she's ok with me expecting sex in general just not on a certain night.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ladybird said:


> The more you expect it, the less you ll get it.. Every 2 to 3 days is a pretty good average.. You should be happy with what you are getting, because some of us here woud kill to have sex that often... Just sayin


I don't hear anyone actually killed over it.

It would be a good thing to be in kill mode over getting it if your being denied, but many people instead go into a deepening depression.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

ladybird said:


> The more you expect it, the less you ll get it.. Every 2 to 3 days is a pretty good average.. You should be happy with what you are getting, because some of us here woud kill to have sex that often... Just sayin


This is the "clean your plate because there are starving people in Africa" logical fallacy.

Telling someone who is somewhat underfed that they should accept it because there are people who are starving to death does nothing for those who are starving and the person who is underfed remains underfed.

Sex every 2-3 days comes down to about twice a week. Plenty of people would be satisfied with that, but for some they want it much more. Nothing wrong with that at all. They shouldn't filter their desires through the lense of somebody who is in a sexless marriage thinking 2 days a week is manna from heaven.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> So, I got a text from her saying just so there's no confusion she's in the mood. I said I know 6 people who will c0ck block any attempt (we have all our kids this weekend). She responds with, they don't have a say I'm getting some tonight!
> 
> WTH? That's not expecting sex?


This is what she said to you the day you got upset?

If she does this frequently then yeah, you should be upset. But if this is a one-off and her blowing you off is rare, then just take it as it comes and don't get too upset.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> This is what she said to you the day you got upset?
> 
> If she does this frequently then yeah, you should be upset. But if this is a one-off and her blowing you off is rare, then just take it as it comes and don't get too upset.


No, Wednesday was the day I got upset. She sent that text today. I just thought it was funny that she doesn't see that as expecting sex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jaquen said:


> There is a root issue here beyond this singular, rare incident.
> 
> I'd be more concerned with why "expecting sex" is being cast in a negative light.
> 
> What's wrong with you "expecting sex" in your marriage?




The issue isn't expecting marital sex, which is fine. The issue is whether it's productive to throw a fit if things don't go your way on a particular night, especially when you're having regular sex. Pouting is unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> No, Wednesday was the day I got upset. She sent that text today. I just thought it was funny that she doesn't see that as expecting sex.


Oh, gotcha.

Maybe she thinks it's just flirting?

I actually know exactly where you are coming from. My husband used to text and/or email me stuff about what he was going to do to me later that night, then go to bed and fall asleep. Finally I got pissed at him and told him to start following through a little more often (because unlike your wife, he would do it ALL THE BLOODY TIME). HE got upset with ME because he didn't like the fact that he couldn't 'flirt' with me without me EXPECTING to have sex that night. So now I don't get ANY sexual byplay with him at all.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Oh, gotcha.
> 
> Maybe she thinks it's just flirting?
> 
> I actually know exactly where you are coming from. My husband used to text and/or email me stuff about what he was going to do to me later that night, then go to bed and fall asleep. Finally I got pissed at him and told him to start following through a little more often (because unlike your wife, he would do it ALL THE BLOODY TIME). HE got upset with ME because he didn't like the fact that he couldn't 'flirt' with me without me EXPECTING to have sex that night. So now I don't get ANY sexual byplay with him at all.


 Sorry. 

Yeah, I'm sure she doesn't mean anything and it doesn't bother me at all if she "expects" sex. I just found the double standard amusing.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> The pain is hemorrhoids. It's a sensitive subject
> 
> I have them too and I know they can hurt like hell. She said they weren't painful but burning a little, so I didn't take that as they were that bad.


OH! Well, that could certainly put a damper on things. 

My thought would be if she is having this pain all to frequently, maybe to have it looked at, to see what her options to alleviate pain are.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you seem to be over analyzing this. Trying to find meaning in random Brownian motion.

If she texts she is randy and looking for love, get the whipped cream and strawberries ready! Don't ask why, just pony up.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I Don't Know said:


> No, Wednesday was the day I got upset. She sent that text today. I just thought it was funny that she doesn't see that as expecting sex.


That's why it was best to ignore what she said.

When a fly is flying near your head, you swat it away. It's just a reflexive reaction. When the fly is gone, do you think about swatting flies?


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