# Could not take the limbo any longer -- maybe I have blown it, but have to be true to



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi All - 

So 3.5 months into the separation, my H was still wanting to get together socially maybe once every week or two, and have some sort of contact (email or phone) maybe once a week. But after three months apart, he has made it clear that he does not know if he wil ever be able to let go of his hard feelings and open his heart to me again.

After an exhausting work week, we had plans to go to a pro soccer match tonight. I just did not have it in me, and called him to cancel. I ended up telling him I just needed to chill out, and that in fact it had become more painful for me to see him than to not see him. Truthfully, his refusal to do couples counselling -- even if it is to process the end of our marriage, and only for my own peace of mind to help me accept that it is over -- became for me the final slap in the face. I realize I screwed up, but I am working hard on my recovery and busting my a$$ at my career, plus dealing with fallout and headaches of having to sell my rental property (the home I lived in before getting married). I cannot take the continued stress of the limbo situation, and told him I did not want to have anymore contact except for business purposes. I told him that I was beginning to feel resentful -- betrayed, abandonded and burdorned, and I don't want that negativity in my life. I realized that I have to have enough self respect to let go of a husband who is not putting value on me and the marriage. He has a right to hold onto his hard feelings, but good luck to him and his next perfect person. I always thought the world of him, and just never could have imagine that in the end he would turn out to be such a selfish, shallow bastard. 

Maybe I have blown it by cutting off contact, except for necessity. But not seeing him at all, is not that much different, from the crumbs I was getting, and easier on me emotionally. I gave him all the space in the world and never demeaned myself by chasing or begging. Yet after 3.5 months, he seemed quite comfortable with the status quo, and was not willing to lift a finger to even explore whether the marriage could be mended. I just could no longer continue the charade of putting on a smiley face and seeing him socially -- pretending I am OK with being "friends" -- when accepting "crumbs" from him made me feel so devauled, considering we once meant so much more to each other.

I feel sad, and disappointed he did not want to try harder to save the marriage, but having turned this corner it already feels like the aching despondency has lifted a bit. So now I hope I can complete the process of mourning the loss, begin to heal and move on properly. So much for that chapter, as much as I wish things had turned out differently, it is what it is -- onward!

I am sure I am not the only one to have been through this, and won't be the last, but can attest it sucks! 2012 has definitely been the worst years of my life -- it can only get better. Not there yet, but I hope to soon be one of those who can attest it does get better, that the funk lifts, the sun comes out, and life feels happy again...

Cheers,- A12


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you did the right thing. This time is about you now. Not allowing him to cake eat is a good start.

Take care.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks, that girl. Exactly right -- if I keep seeing him socially, it will only keep me tied to the pain of hoping he will change his mind. I have got to have the self resepct to let go of a husband who does not put value on me and the mariage. Spent a chunk of time this mornining, putting away in storage all photos, cards, and memorabilia involving him -- if felt good to get rid of all the visibble reminders of happier days, so I can finish grieiving the loss and start properly healing and moving on. I wish things had turned out differently, but we can not turn back the clock and I have to accept what I cannot change. It may still take some time, but I am feeling less miserable already, so I know I did the right thing for my self-esteem  

My biggest fear now is that I will be alone for the rest of my life -- I guess I'm not the first person to feel that way when going through this, right?

Best,- A12


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Being out of limbo is the only reason I am finally starting to recover from all of this. I did the same thing that you did and it was a huge mistake. I allowed my stbx to ba a cake eater and all it did was prolong the inevitable and my pain. I'm finally starting to gain some self respect. Good luck and yes we all feel that way. I try to stay positive and tell myself there is someone out there for me.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

It is difficult to make that call, but you did good...I lived like that for a year until I told her that if she wasn't going to make an effort to mend things, then I was done...on hour here or there a week isn't enough to save a marriage on...I walked away...a month later she called and said she had MC set up for us...


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

The cake eater metaphor was what came to my mind too. You are on the right path. Hold your head up high and step with confidence.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

A12, I feel your pain and I am so sorry to read this. It's been 5 weeks since my wife walked out and I have all the same emotions you have. We deserve MUCH better and there are plenty of fish in the sea.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

A12, I am sooo proud of you! Your attitude is very healthy, and this will serve you well throughout the next few months if you can hold onto it when things get tough. Detaching is not fun, but once you cross the line between hoping for R and realizing you're better off without him, life will be happier and you will be more optimistic about your future. I am 4 months in, 3.5 months with NC. Though I still miss the good times and such, it is sooo nice not having to come home to the problems we had before he left. It was all so dysfunctional. Now I am learning to value myself, set boundaries, and seek love from the right people. I'm glad you're here, keep us updated on your progress!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Its your life, and you can darn well chose who you want in it. Each day wasted is one you'll never get back. Good for you!


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi All - 

Thanks for all the super helpful comments and support! You guys really lifted my spirits  So after having turned that corner with my H. yesterday (gone to no contact), this morning I get an email from him gushing all the things about me and our marriage that made him happy or that he liked or felt grateful for, and signed it, "Love, M." (Most of his emails since leaving usually include no salutations -- not even opening with "Hi" or signing off with "Regards"). Um, excuse me -- ouch?! Reading it made me cry my eyes out. Is he trying to test me or what? I have not responded to it so far, and have gone about my day but have had a raging headache. Should I just leave it alone and not respond, or respond with a simple "thank you"? What my angry self wants to say is "Well, I'm glad our years together weren't complete **** for you. Thanks for taking our wedding vows so seriously by bailing on me and the marriage. All the best to you and your next perfect person." Or there is that other part of me that wants to say, "Thank you, you made me very happy as well, and I would be glad to see you in MC should you change your mind." Obviously, I am not going to say this, but just needed to vent. So what's the best advice -- stay silent or just a "thank you"?

I need to stay strong and not get hooked back in, right? Best to just leave it alone and not respond?

Kind Regards, - A12


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi All -
> 
> Thanks for all the super helpful comments and support! You guys really lifted my spirits  So after having turned that corner with my H. yesterday (gone to no contact), this morning I get an email from him gushing all the things about me and our marriage that made him happy or that he liked or felt grateful for, and signed it, "Love, M." (Most of his emails since leaving usually include no salutations -- not even opening with "Hi" or signing off with "Regards"). Um, excuse me -- ouch?! Reading it made me cry my eyes out. Is he trying to test me or what? I have not responded to it so far, and have gone about my day but have had a raging headache. Should I just leave it alone and not respond, or respond with a simple "thank you"? What my angry self wants to say is "Well, I'm glad our years together weren't complete **** for you. Thanks for taking our wedding vows so seriously by bailing on me and the marriage. All the best to you and your next perfect person." Or there is that other part of me that wants to say, "Thank you, you made me very happy as well, and I would be glad to see you in MC should you change your mind." Obviously, I am not going to say this, but just needed to vent. So what's the best advice -- stay silent or just a "thank you"?
> 
> ...


My first thought is to say what my husband always said to me when i would send those emails to him. It would be just a Thanx. It hurt that his response was so shallow. Not even a thank you like you mentioned. You obviously got to him. Personally....since it seems to have got his attention i would ignore it to see if you get another. 

Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScottH454 (Jun 3, 2012)

From my point of view when mine responded with a short answer respone it made me angry that that's all she could give me. When I sent her a email this last time an got no response it was more hurtful. So if he's squirming saying thanks could just make him angry an justify what he's doing. By not responding you'd be following all the "NC" advise givin all over the forum an giving the hurt to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Thanks, ScottH454 and sadwithouthim! I like it! Just came from yoga class tonight, which was very calming, and am feeling more at peace just letting everything be


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Don't respond. He's just trying to get you to cave to the ways things have been. Don't trust it. If he continues and then asks you to go to counseling and wants to come home then believe him. Words mean nothing. Just watch his actions. Stay dark. It's your only chance.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Awakening...I'm wondering how you are doing today? Are you still feeling good about your decision? Is it still giving you some relief to move forward? Have you hear from your STBX again?

Your story lately has been giving me some empowering feelings. I wrote my email to tell mine I am done and to just send me the papers he filed so that I can sign them. I did not write anything to make him think I want him back. I am nervous and scared it will truly end it all but its not good how we are living now anyway so what does it matter. 

I hope you are in a good place.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi sadwithouthim - Thanks so much for your very kind follow up! I have been reading your posts and thinking of you as well. I am amazed at how you have coped with staying in limbo for such a long time, and your courage in getting to a place where you are ready to accept moving on. I know how hard it is to let go of hope for reconciliation with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, the person who was like a part of you. However, I think that we deserve to be with mates who are sure thay WANT to be with us! The ambiguity of limbo takes a toll on the self esteem  

For me, I do feel that turning that corner going "no contact" with my H last weekend did help lift the oppressive never-ending obsession and anxiety over the situation. It also helped my self esteem, by no longer tolerating his rejection, distancing, and abandonment. It put an end to the feeling of being devalued by accepting crumbs from him. Why should I continue pining for a husband who does not put value on me and our marriage? After 3.5 months apart, when I asked him why he refused to do couples therapy, he just said, "because I don't want to." That is not an honest answer!!! But it tells me all that I need to know: he does not care enough to lift a finger to see if the marriage can be saved or even to give it thoughtful closure for the sake of his wife's mental health...and possibly learn something useful that might help us grow. 

His refusal of couples counselling was the last straw for me -- so much of his self-image is invested in being the "good guy," hence his attempt to be "friends." But this coldness of refusing therapy knocked him down off the pedestal for me. I still feel very disappointed that in the end he turned out to be a self-centered, shallow, disloyal bastard. Looking back at how happy we once were, I never could have imagined this. But life is not predictable and unexpected things happen. 

Since the last gushy e-mail the day after we had the "no contact" convo last weekend, he has dropped me a line a couple of times over business matters, and I gave very short but cordial one sentence replies. It feels good to not have him calling the shots anymore about when and how often we see each other! And seeing him only once a week or so was only keeping my tied to the past and the pain, and keeping me stuck.

Although I am still somewhat numb, and cannot say I am feeling ecstatic, it is like entering a new phase of the process, where I can finish mourning the loss, begin to heal and start rebuilding my identity and life. I have a couple of mantras that have helped me:

1. I am not going to make my happiness or well-being contingent on him or anything outside of myself. 

2. I don't have to like something in order to accept it. And with acceptance comes some measure of peace and serenity.

Only you can decide, but if your H has made it clear by his actions (or lack of action) that he has no intention of giving any energy to even examining whether the marriage can be saved, then you have to do what you need to do to build a happy life for yourself and your child. When it comes time that we can legally file for divorce, I will see where things stand, and would rather not do his dirty work since I am not the one who wanted to dissolve the marriage in the first place. He can have all the time and space inthe world, but at some point I do not want to be married to a husband who is not sure he wants to be with me.

Hang in there, and keep us posted!

Hugs, - A12


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Proud of you A12. 

If you keep an honest NC going for at least 3-4 weeks, you will gain the strength of a champ. You will no longer feel emotionally unsafe around him or others. He can't hurt you after that.

Keep at it girl.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

You do sound strong. I appreciate you telling me all that. I can't argue with anything you said; that's for certain. I keep thinking what is the difference if I just tell him I am done too. Its not like he is doing anything at all at this point other than providing for us but I keep trying and just can't seem to concentrate on my job hunting process because of the whole limbo thing. I guess maybe if I knew it would be over then it would be easier to concentrate. I've done the 180 for many months....it didn't help me. Maybe cause deep down I still kept hoping he's see that and come back but I just can't do this any longer.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear sadwithouthim -I hear your struggle, and agree whole heartedly that the n/c 180 only works if you truly do it for yourself and your own sanity -- not out of any expectation or attachment to a specific outcome or result. I was not ready to do the n/c until I reached the point where it felt more painful to accept crumbs and some lame attempt at being "friends" when we were once so much more to each other, than it did to not see him at all. I could not do the facade any more. As long as I was still seeing him socially, much as I would try to put on a happy face, I was still clinging to hope that he would change his mind. Everyone has their process. For me it is largely a question of letting go of my wants and desires for things to be different than they are, and developing enough trust in the Universe that life has a way of unfolding the way it is supposed to -- that maybe getting back together with my H. is not even in my best interest, who knows? Sometimes rejection is protection, but we cannot see it at the time because we do not have the power to see our destiny, which may hold something better for us  

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) - A12


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Hi A12

How are you today?

I sent my husband a message this morning asking for the papers because living like this isn't serving any purpose. Over three hours later he responded back and said he woul send them. So I guess it is truly over. I will get the papers and find an attorney and begin the process. I don't feel so well. I am extremely sad but I can see this having gone on another year. I was sort of hoping he might come to his senses and want to work things out but he didn't. So I suppose at least I can figure out some sort of life for myself.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Sad, I am sooooooo proud of you!

This is the beginning of a chapter in which you will begin to enjoy life again. It may be gradual, but it will happen. A12 hit it on the nose by saying that it is easier to do the 180 when you can no longer handle the crumbs. I got crumbs at the start of my seperation, and that is why I was able to go NC almost immediately. He disappeared, so I didn't have a choice. A few months later, the anger set in, but it did take a while.

Keep your eyes on the horizon, my dear. You are doing great. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

MyselfAgain said:


> Sad, I am sooooooo proud of you!
> 
> This is the beginning of a chapter in which you will begin to enjoy life again. It may be gradual, but it will happen. A12 hit it on the nose by saying that it is easier to do the 180 when you can no longer handle the crumbs. I got crumbs at the start of my seperation, and that is why I was able to go NC almost immediately. He disappeared, so I didn't have a choice. A few months later, the anger set in, but it did take a while.
> 
> ...


I appreciate it.

I feel maybe I made a mistake as now he is sending the papers. I feel like I don't know if I will ever get over this. Mine didn't even give me crumbs and I still feel so attached. 

"sigh"


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi Sadwithouthim - 

Keep your chin up, and know you are doing the right thing to get out of limbo, so you can finish mourning and start healing properly and feeling better. I wasted too much time and energy wishing for things to be different, hoping my H would change his mind and want to try to work things out -- or at least do a few couples counselling sessions with me, so we could bring thoughtful, respectful closure to (what was) one of the most significant relationships of our lives. If he cannot be bothered to try, that gives me all the information I need. Please, please tell yourself, "I do not want to be romantically bonded, much less married, to someone who doesn't want me or isn't sure of me." For many (most?) of us, this is not what we planned or hoped for in our lives and marriages. But you only have power over one thing: you and your attitude -- that's it. As a trusted advisor told me, it is time to put on my grown up panties and stop being either his little girl (who wants to be rescused) or his victim (who carries toxic and unproductive anger and resentment). I know it is hard, but we have to focus on making each day the best it can be -- not be stuck in the regrets and pain of the past or worries about the future. The more you try to think positive, affirm the good things in your life, all the great qualities you have , the better off you will be. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss, but please don't let yourself to dwell in it. You have suffered enough! Time to start living again -- figure out what satisfies and makes you happy and do it! Know that you will go on and make a great life for yourself!

Keep the faith! Hugs,- A12


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

P.S. I think you should consider changing your moniker to HappyToBeMe!!!!!


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