# Still can't trust her after a long time



## Daniel1972 (Nov 29, 2010)

Hi All,

Apologies, but this is one VERY long post, but I feel I need to get it off my chest...

I am havimg trouble trusting my wife after things that happened a couple of years back, and it is driving me mad.

In about mid-2008, my wife and I both joined a 'group' on facebook for a festival we were going to. She seemed to be chatting on public forums to a couple of guys, with all the posts being public- nothing seemed untoward really. I noticed that she had added them as 'Friends' also, which again didn't bother me really. 

After a while, I noticed her spending an awful lot of time on facebook, and when I looked on per 'Wall', there was quite a few posts on there from one guy in particular. She said they had been chatting quite a bit and had been getting on quite well, and he seemed a good laugh.

The time of the festival came, and we decided to meet this guy- we didn't see hom for long, probably an hour or so just to be sociable. He seemed nice enough I and thought no more of it.

After the fest, I noticed she was on Facebook even more- and the next time I logged in, I saw a comment on her 'Wall' that he had posted, saying something like 'I hope you husband is not the jealous type'.

One day, out of the blue, she decided to tell me that she thought the 'spark' had gone in our marriage- I had no idea she felt this way. I did everything I could to try to put this spark back- trips out to the cinema, meals out etc. It seemed to be going okay.

Her use of Facebook seemed to be getting more and more heavy, & I became quite suspicious. I did something I didn't want to do, but couldnt help myself- I looked at her phone, which showed several messages from this man, saying things such as 'I want you but you need to sort your feelings out with your hubby', and I also saw some quite familiar, lovey dovey/texts from him. Clearly they had been talking about getting together for some time.

I felt awful for going through her things, but I confronted her, and she admitted it. One of the most hurtful things she said straigt away was that he had recently 'found someone else' which she was gutted about!

Anyway we discussed it, I spilled out my heart to her, saying that I didn't want her to go etc etc. Basically she said that it just felt like that it was something she wanted to get out of her system- about 5 years earlier, she had stuck by me through a lengthy illness, and she said in some ways this was WHY she did what she did.

After a few days, she said she needed to sort her head out, and decided to go stay at a friends while they were away, so she could really think things over- that we shouldn't talk or contact each other, otherwise it would never work.

I took her to her mates place, and after just over a day, she text me and said that she wanted to come home, that it WAS me she wanted to be with after all. I was so happy, and she seemed happy to come home. She asked if I minded if she kept in contact with this guy, just as friends, because although he was fond of her, he just wanted her to do what was right for herself. I agreed to this, as I was just so happy to have her home (that 1 day of waiting was the most painful day in my entire life, and I have been through a lot).

So everything seemed pretty much okay and back to normal, although we agreed that we should both make the effort to keep the marriage alive and not lose that 'spark' again.


A few months down the line, she left her Facebook open (I was not deliberately prying this time), and I saw that she had been in contact with this fellow again. I looked at a string of messages- one of them, which was initiated by her, was her asking what a certain 'special treat/surprise' would have been that he had promised her had they got together. He didnt go into detail, but it was something very sexual. She has told me that never did they actually meet up though.

Again I confronted her to ask what the hell was happening, why was she doing this again. She apologised about the flirting with him, and after much discussion I asked her not to contact him any more, ever again.

Ever since then, I have really struggled to trust her when it comes to men- it doesn't help that she has lots of male friends, and sometimes does seem to be a bit secretive with texting them etc, but in some ways I think that may be down to me being so nosey and occasionally asking her if anything is going on.

I did, on one more occasion, find out that she had sent this guy a facebook message, but she swore blind that it was only to let him know that she was pregnant, because she was so happy.

There is a side story to this whole scenario too- just before (I think) all the other stuff happened, she had been going out a bit with a male colleague. Although I was a little but suspicious, I never got the feeling that anything was actually going on, or had any kind of proof. I think/thought it was just companionship. I did ask her if this was the case- the only thing she told me was that he had said 'in passing' that if he weren't married, and that she weren't married, that he would possibly ask her out. I did always wonder if that was the extent of it. It was only recently, after I had been quizzing her about her relationship with yet another male colleague, that he had in fact declared his love for her. She says that she virtually cut contact with him when she found out, although she does occasionally see him nowadays.

Agian, apologies for the long post. Although my wife has never actually done anything to physically cheat on me, i struggle so so much to trust her, and always have the urge to check her phone/email/facebook etc.

I don't help myself by thinking something 'is something going on' when she goes out with her new work friends (last 2 times have been 3-4am, while I am at home with our toddler daughter), or if she is too tired for sex, or something like that.

Whenever I bring anything up, like I did recently, she gets angry, because she made mistakes back then, but feels like I am still punishing her now- which is true sometimes.

Any thoughts, similar experiences anyone?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I understand.
My wife's EA/PA ended over a year ago. I still have trust issues and maybe always will.
My EA/PA ended at the same time. She still has trust issues and maybe always will.
Here's the deal. We are completely open and honest about our movements, our friends, colleagues, etc, etc. I know that I have betrayed her trust and I can hide nothing. She knows the same thing.
So when I ask her or she asks me details about anything, we open up completely. Any question is fair.
I also no longer have any female friends other than hers. She has no male friends, but there are a few guys at her work that I have been introduced to and talk to from time to time. She works in a retail store, so I can see them and her at work pretty much any time.
I work offshore, so she knows that there are no women here, but there are some in the office that I have to talk to and email from time to time(work related). She has met some of them.
I call her from work when I am away, we email a couple of times a day and we are madly in love with each other.

Your wife had an EA at least. She needs to know that you have the right to all of her passwords, her phone records and all (ALL) text messages to and from her phone. Check them and use the phone record to back it up.
She doesn't need to have male friends that are not your friends.
She messed up, you don't have to pay for it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If she hasn't had a physical affair, it's only a matter of time.

Her pattern of behavior suggests that it is only when you catch her that she pulls in the reins, even though contact is never fully broken.

And what wife/mother goes out with "new work friends" until 4a.m. on more than one occasion?

I guess my question is what about the ones you haven't caught.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

She has already cheated on you, multiple times and by the sounds of with, with more than one man. Having sex chats on FB and sexting is cheating, no question. Facebook is bad stuff...it makes casual contact so easy and seem so innocent. She sounds like an attention *****. She needs men, other than you, to validate her self-worth. I would guess she has issues with men in her past. Not sure what they are but it certainly sounds like she has had some experiences which drives this behavior. 

I would ask her to consider counseling. I do wish you well. Facebook and sexting ended my relationship with my girlfriend. I hope you find peace.


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## Daniel1972 (Nov 29, 2010)

Thanks for all your replies.

In some ways I just want to leave this, because as far as I know, she has not actually done anything 'wrong' in over 2 years.

As for her going out with the new friends at work, I know that she did because I have seen pictures from the nights out, and heard/saw when she was getting dropped off the other night.

We had a huge discussion a month or two ago about thw whole situation, and she assured me that nothing has ever happened since the online/phone thing with that guy.

She says that she gets on with men a lot more because she finds women a lot more *****y and difficult- she did suffer at the hands of *****iness and bullying at school (as did I).

Before me, she hadn't had any long term relationships, she had just slept with one guy about 18 months before she met me, so i don't think she is affected by anything in the past to do with men.

Even though I have no reasin really to believe that anything is going on, I'm just always wanting to chek up on her because of what happened, and the WAY it happened (texts/Facebook etc).


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