# I screwed up



## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

Well this is my first post so not sure how it all works but I am sure I will find out so here it goes

A year and a half ago I had to tell my wife I was having cybersex ect.. and we worked through that and she gave me a second chance.
now she installed spyware to minitor my behavior and I have no problem with that.
I screwed up again and our marraige was over, while this is mostly my fault it is not entirely my fault, although she will say she did everything she could to save the marraige
like refuse counseling, screaming matches where she through stuff, the silent treatment, so on and so forth
the marraige was doomed and it is probably better this way ( I don't know)
anyways after she tells me she caught me red handed and we are going to get a divorce. She the posted on Craigslist in the Platonic section for "pen pals"
she threw a fit and still is throwing a fit about an old friend of mine who is female and I talk to ( she doesnt want me to and is actively trying to stop me from talking to her)
my problem is this she has locked her email and computer profile and says she has nothing to hide and it is none of my business,
while she continues to go through my phone records and I can only assume through my emails and web browsing, if she can have her private business why can't I ? is there something here worth something ( save the marraige? or what)

I have moved out but we still share computers ( kids, I am home half the week she is home the other half the week)
how do i reason with someone who has never comprimised in her life it is her way or not at all if she does compromise for something it is with her best interest down the line 
and as far as truth goes it is her truth not the real truth
boy this is a rant 
Is she in my business because she wants to find a way to salvage our relationship? or is this normal ?
we have many years of interaction (4 kids)and if she continues this course it will be a long time 
I dont expect her to forgive me I do however expect her to treat me the way she wants to be treated and talking to her seems pointless at times what should I do?
Does this make anysense ? I know I tend to ramble and my thought process is not normal ect.. questions ask

thank you


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

What you wrote _is_ a little confusing - but then, you seem to be writing emotionally, and emotions tend to be pretty jumbled, so that is really understandable...

May I check to see if I got it right?

1) You were at one time engaged in cybersex.

2) This was detected, you ended it and your wife placed some form of 'spyware' (keyboard logger?) on your computer - which was fine with you.

3) Your wife refused to forgive you, and instead used every chance as a means of unloading her anger on you.

4) You repeated the affair? Cybersex? Some other form of cheating? (That part isn't too clear.)

5) Your wife found out about this.

6) You are somewhat separated: you spend half the week at home, she spends the other half at home.

7) You beleive your marriage is over. She tells you you are getting a divorce.

8) She is still monitoring your actions on your computer.

9) She will not allow you to monitor her actions - she has hidden her accounts, used passwords, etc.

10) You have 4 kids.

11) You ask if your marriage is worth saving.

In answer to that last one, my answer is yes. Any marriage is worth saving, because a saved marriage is one that is healthy and does not contain the elements that nearly destroyed it in the first place. Your marriage is particularly worth saving because you have 4 kids, who all need to learn the true meaning of commitment. 

What you DON'T want is the old marriage. 

You also added an interesting line:



> ...I dont expect her to forgive me I do however expect her to treat me the way she wants to be treated and talking to her seems pointless at times what should I do?...


Why would you _expect_ her to do such a thing? Are you sure you don't mean you WANT her to treat you the way you treat her? And again, I wonder: you seem to have been unfaithful a couple of times: are you sure this is how you want her to treat you?

I'm not saying this to be mean - I am just pointing out that expectations cause more trouble than pretty much any other thing in life. 

You can work on your marriage: in part it will require a LOT of work on your part - work on how you interact with your wife, work on commitment, etc. It would also take a great deal of work on your wife's part. But right now you can't expect or count on that. So you have to start with what you CAN do - work on you.

Do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to do what it takes?


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## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

to: Tanelornpete
yes you have it all right and yes I see your point
My point was not to have her treat me the same in that respect

I go out of my way to make sure if she wants or needs something to ask and to tell her what she has done right
until recently_ after she told me she was divorcing me
she would not recognize that I had cleaned the house or done the laundry or dishes ect....
yes maybe I am a bit needy in that respect - that is the way I am
well all I can do is try to work on myself maybe I will get it right


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I go out of my way to make sure if she wants or needs something to ask and to tell her what she has done right
> until recently


There are three ways you can interact with another person:

either you give in to them (doormat) - or 

you run their life (aggressive controller) - or

you maintain your individual value and recognize theirs as well.​
Of course, that last choice is the better one - it places value on both that other person and yourself. That's the kind of interaction you will want to aim at - with everyone (not just your wife!)

What that means, however, is that you'll need some specific tools to help you pull yourself into that position. I'll give you some things you can do in another post - right now, I wanted to point out some areas where you'll need to focus.



> _ after she told me she was divorcing me she would not recognize that I had cleaned the house or done the laundry or dishes ect....


If she has it in her head to file for divorce, I wouldn't expect a whole lot of nice things coming from her. But this does point out something that may be a major issue for you: 

Are you aware of the 'five love languages'? It seems that some of the troubles you face are that the two of you have two different 'languages' of love. 

Here's a quick, easy quiz you can take that will help you learn some about that.

About the divorce: your wife is certainly morally free to divorce you: infidelity bears that consequence. But that does not mean divorce is inevitable. If she were to 'fall in love' with you again, you can avoid that tragedy. 

Are you willing to do what it takes to avoid a divorce - and get your marriage, wife and family back? If so, there is a lot you can do.



> yes maybe I am a bit needy in that respect - that is the way I am


That depends on what you mean: if you are saying that you have no choice in matters, that things are stuck the way they are, I'd disagree: you can change yourself. Neediness is not a necessary habit - it can be broken (you can find satisfaction in the things you do - simply because you did them.) It takes work!



> well all I can do is try to work on myself maybe I will get it right


If you work on it, and drop habits that are detrimental (the ones that damage your relationships) and build new ones that are good and useful - you will absolutely be alright!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dumbguy,

If she didn't care about you or the relationship, she probably wouldn't care who you were talking to and wouldn't take the time or effort to go through phone records, etc. She's conflicted but at least part of her apparently clings to some idea of maintaining a relationship with you. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Love and hate are both expressions of passion. Women who don't care don't typically throw fits of jealous rage. As far as her being "in your business", you need to lose that concept. You're married, so your business is her business. She shouldn't either, but that's for another day. Right now, if you want this one back, I think you need to back off, play Mr. Nice, and let her figure out which side of the toast is buttered.


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## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

thank you unbelievable that was helpful 
unfortunately I think it will be a long time before we are anymore than civil I hope it is not that long but I will as you say play Mr. Nice and do my best

Blue eyed beauty 
I do not need you ranting at me and telling me i am a bad person and then posting the same thing just to add you are right and then thanking yourself do me a favor help or dont bother 
thank you


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Dumbguy - I'm sort of reeling from the bizarre - well, just weirdness of BlueEyedBeauty's talking to herself - a little....peculiar? And particularly unhelpful. Well, a little humor in life goes a long ways.

Unbelievable pointed out a great many VERY good points. May I suggest that while it is good to start by 'playing' Mr. Nice guy, you'll have to move into actually being that person - anything else is dishonesty.

In a marriage, the most danger comes when neither partner is interested in the other: imagine that you are walking along a path. You can be walking together, in the same direction (the ideal marriage), you can be walking directly into each other (butting heads, fighting, etc.), or you could be walking opposite directions. A marriage where people are 'walking' apart is the most difficult to salvage. Be thankful that she does care enough for you to at least argue.


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## dumbguy (Sep 29, 2010)

thank you pete 
I intend to be that nice person inside and out and well if she doesnt like it oh well I need to be a nice person and do the right thing regardless
I understand what you are saying if I am faking being nice
but as a goal for me is to be more positive and move forward and not dwell on the past and what I can not change
I am having difficulties with this but I am sure that staying dedicated to the end goal will pay off eventually


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