# How long do I have a right to be suspicious??



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

So my H and i were switching cars the other day and i came out to the garage and he was doing a very through cleaning of his car.

I said, not even thinking about it.. "You afraid I might find something". He said " Is it always gonna be like this".. 

His reply makes me want to punch him in face. 

It has been 15 months since affair. 12 months since i sucked the rest of the lies out of him. I think they were the rest, really like i tell him now, I will know my marriage has been repaired when I would be shocked to find out he was having A. 

So, he makes random comments here and there, like I don't get to play the "affair card" . He doesn't say "get over it" but I can feel that is on his mind.

After I caught him in the last lie, we didn't speak too much about the afair. Every thing he "admittied" was forced because I had concrete evidence against him. Not one thing that was discovered was him coming forward with it on his own> but whatever, I am over that part. I think he would have died trying to cover his ass.

So, we have not spoke about A in MC, very little. We mainly started with the dysfunctions that have led us up to the A. Like for example, he has still not given me a good answer why he had the affair, or what exactly led him to the lonely path he choose.

In the beginning, he was remorseful to a point. However, he said I took away all his friends, mad he could't do his hobbies. A selfish person. He then started taking classes like 5 months into our R. Well of course he had little time to work on his marriage.

I sort of expected some jewerly, love notes, surprise get aways, more date nights, there has been little of that. In fact, he is dealing with his own anger issues, now so I guess I just feel plain jipped in the being treated like a princess ...

Anyway, I feel I still every right in the world to question my H on whatever I see necessary. Espeially since he is still holding most intimate feelings hostage. Rarely talks about anything that doesn't have to with our child, our yard, his boat, or fishing trips..

Sorry, this got long.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why do you want to stay with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

It's like he sucks me in with having an emotional break through every few months, where he will cry and say he needs me. Then i think ok, he is working through things, we can may be a happy family. 

There is a lot of resentment about his selfish ways through the years, I will not lie. He sees it a little bit, but there is something holding him back from just being completely out on the table, raw as hell type of attitude.

Does that make sense?


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

same question as the above. get out. dont expect luxuries, it's obviously not in his nature. and if he does get it for you, he's doing it so he can have his "normal" life back. im speaking from experience. you dont need this guy.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I believe you will have some level of suspicision for the rest of your marriage; perhaps a different question is how long will you have a right to say something about that suspicion. I would ay that, too, is for the rest of your life at your choosing. If you're feeling it, you have a right to say it, I believe. And he ought to be more supportive in allowing you to express your suspicions and why you have them until the time you don't feel the need to say anything.

I agree with ClipClop - if he's not really working on the repair nor transparent, why DO you want to stay? Is it simply for the child?


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you for your responses.

The other thing is that sometimes I can see that his fear that I will leave him is in complete control of him.

What the heck do I do with that. it is such an annoying cycle.

He feels backed in corner, acts out by being verbally nasty
I am either now quiet, or keep my reaction to a min
an hour of silence
he comes back to me saying he sorry, he over reacted.

Which is the real him??


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Both are the real him. 

He IS afraid you will leave, AND he lashes out in anger because the reason you'd consider leaving is because of what he did. It is a vicious cycle; MC should be helping with this need to find ways to communicate effectively with each other.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

That is where my frustration level is meeting a new high.

He rarely discusses his IC. Which is fine to a point. but then i find out he is STILL trying to identify his emotions.. Not to sound cruel but this seems ridiculous to me. he has been in counseling a year.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He put himself in that corner. You staying so he doesn't have to face what he has done is nothing short of enabling. He is a manipulative baby. Who cares who the real him is? If he can't demonstrate a consistent self, he is refusing responsiblity. When he gets his act together you can think about getting back together. Right now I would kick him out.

Stop living for him. Get out. Find a grown-up and not some emotionally stunted cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

2xloser,

I suppose this is a big part of me that sees him with our daughter and I so badly want to shake him into being the H i need. It does break my heart think of her living in two different places, why should i have to share her because he is this way. -that's the emotional part of me. Of course I do not want her exposed to an unhappy marriage. 
our mc makes it sound like we are making progress. I think that is why i am confused. He does'nt say much in MC, when he does it's not often anything from the heart but more him being defensive.
But when she is sitting there telling us what a good job we are doing, some days are really good. It is confusing when he then goes off the deep end and acts like this.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

ClipClop- wow, that totally clicked.. he is NOT demostrating a consistant self that is for sure. and being a baby, yes that too. I kind of realized today that it almost seems like he is just feeling sorry for himself.

Wow, thanks everyone, talking this out with you guys has helped me step out of my emotional self for a moment.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Of course he will cry and say he needs you. He will do that until you feel bad for him and give in. And then he will continue to pamper you and act like the most affectionate husband there is. And he will continue doing so until you trust again. Us women think with our stupid hearts not our brains. We give in so easily. Even after being betrayed, we learn to "trust" again. Once the trust has been achieved and things are back to "normal" he will start to play around all over again. Once the cat's away, the mice will play. Ive been in your situation. It sucks. Ive had all my comfort stolen from me. I used to be unable to sleep unless hes sleeping besides me. If he woke to go to the bathroom, I'd start to wonder. If I'd see him on his laptop or phone my mood would flip 360. I started to resent him. He stole all my comfort from our used-to-be innocent relationship. The resent grew deeper by the day. Until the love started declining. I told him I am not in love with him anymore and he couldnt get it through his thick head. He thought I was being stubborn. But I was dead on serious. I didnt catch him in one affair. I caught him in three. And those are the ones I know about. It kills me to think I invested 5 years of my youth with this liar. But then again I still am young and I know I can make something of myself once I get out of that door. All this and yes I still have not gotten out of that door. I still havent grown the balls to do it. Why? because I live on hope. Am I hopeful? Not at all. He will never change. I pray that soon enough I'll open the door and not look back.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> Of course he will cry and say he needs you. He will do that until you feel bad for him and give in. And then he will continue to pamper you and act like the most affectionate husband there is. And he will continue doing so until you trust again. Us women think with our stupid hearts not our brains. We give in so easily. Even after being betrayed, we learn to "trust" again. Once the trust has been achieved and things are back to "normal" he will start to play around all over again. Once the cat's away, the mice will play. Ive been in your situation. It sucks. Ive had all my comfort stolen from me. I used to be unable to sleep unless hes sleeping besides me. If he woke to go to the bathroom, I'd start to wonder. If I'd see him on his laptop or phone my mood would flip 360. I started to resent him. He stole all my comfort from our used-to-be innocent relationship. The resent grew deeper by the day. Until the love started declining. I told him I am not in love with him anymore and he couldnt get it through his thick head. He thought I was being stubborn. But I was dead on serious. I didnt catch him in one affair. I caught him in three. And those are the ones I know about. It kills me to think I invested 5 years of my youth with this liar. But then again I still am young and I know I can make something of myself once I get out of that door. All this and yes I still have not gotten out of that door. I still havent grown the balls to do it. Why? because I live on hope. Am I hopeful? Not at all. He will never change. I pray that soon enough I'll open the door and not look back.


Did he admit to any of the A. Sometimes when my H does have those moments where is overwhelmed with his own emotions and acts all sad, I just wait for him to say that he has other A. I hate it.
Again, why is my MC giving me such hope. is that just what they are doing to do..


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Good luck pieces. Look at what Apple ducking did and see if you can muster the courage she has displayed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

At first he didnt. Until I showed proof. And thats each and every time. All of his affairs. I never approached him or confronted him unless I was sure that i had proof. His denying would begin and he would make up the stupidest lamest excuses. Until Id present him with all evidence. Then he would give in. His lies killed me more than the affairs himself. I hate liars more than anything in this world. If you can lie you can do anything.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Sounds like your MC is a moron. If he isn't engaged you are not progressing. Can you ditch her? Go to a man. Not a msw either. Most aren't that hot sorry to say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

amillionpieces85 said:


> At first he didnt. Until I showed proof. And thats each and every time. All of his affairs. I never approached him or confronted him unless I was sure that i had proof. His denying would begin and he would make up the stupidest lamest excuses. Until Id present him with all evidence. Then he would give in. His lies killed me more than the affairs himself. I hate liars more than anything in this world. If you can lie you can do anything.


I am the same way, the deception is so disgusting. His throw away phone, the "hanging with friends", just a slap in the face. The damage that has been done from the lies is far worse for me too. 

I hope that you make your way to finding happiness. Does he think you are staying for good. I forget, did you do MC. I apologize if you mention it already.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

The fact that he didn't ever come clean with anything (in both cases) is to me a very bad sign. He's not sorry, he's sorry he got caught. In that case, there is zero chance he will change; he'll just get better at getting away with it. What I would do is start working with him on getting over you. When he does that crybaby act about you leaving him, say something like "I know you're having a hard time with this. Maybe your IC will help."


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I will tell you from experience, your relationship will never be the same. You will always have some degree of suspicion. You can forgive but you won't forget. 

So your questions was, "How long do I have a right to be suspicious??"....but it really should be,"how do I learn to cope with the suspicion"..


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

No, we had our last discussion tonight. He thinks its like always. That ill keep to myself a few days and then eventually give in. Everytime Im sleeping he walks into the room, tries to wake me up with kisses. I certainly dont give in. I tell him to back off. Earlier we spoke and I told him Im leaving to the airport in the morning. When he realized I wasnt kidding he started getting his clothes together, as though I'll give in. I stayed on the balcony, pretended I didnt see a thing. Eventually he got tired and went to bed. 

We've never been to MC. He did a few sessions of IC on his own. Then backs out eventually. He thinks the counselors are coo-coo. LOL. Hes been to four different ones. Apparently the whole world is coo-coo except for him.

Im done counseling or any of the repairing. For only one reason. I dont trust him. Never again will I trust him. And I refuse to live with someone whom I do not trust. It'll be hard leaving, but time heals all wounds. And Im strong. I rather go through the pain now then wait it out and regret not leaving many years down the road. And thankfully we have no kids that will suffer. I thank God each and every day that we have no kids.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

amillionpieces85 said:


> No, we had our last discussion tonight. He thinks its like always. That ill keep to myself a few days and then eventually give in. Everytime Im sleeping he walks into the room, tries to wake me up with kisses. I certainly dont give in. I tell him to back off. Earlier we spoke and I told him Im leaving to the airport in the morning. When he realized I wasnt kidding he started getting his clothes together, as though I'll give in. I stayed on the balcony, pretended I didnt see a thing. Eventually he got tired and went to bed.
> 
> We've never been to MC. He did a few sessions of IC on his own. Then backs out eventually. He thinks the counselors are coo-coo. LOL. Hes been to four different ones. Apparently the whole world is coo-coo except for him.
> 
> Im done counseling or any of the repairing. For only one reason. I dont trust him. Never again will I trust him. And I refuse to live with someone whom I do not trust. It'll be hard leaving, but time heals all wounds. And Im strong. I rather go through the pain now then wait it out and regret not leaving many years down the road. And thankfully we have no kids that will suffer. I thank God each and every day that we have no kids.



:iagree: and good luck on your journey. I think you made the right decision


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

thank you Corkey. I think so too


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Forever! If your H is doing something that triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, you're totally allowed to express your concern. The fact he's never willingly confessed anything and gets defensive does not look good for R.

How can you heal if he doesn't talk about his affairs? You can't. At least not while you're under the same roof. If 20 years from now I have a trigger and need to talk about it, my H [email protected] well better be supportive. Especially since he's the reason I have triggers in the first place.

Granted, I don't want to ever use the A in an unproductive way, like throwing it in his face during an unrelated argument. But expressing your feelings or worries are normal after such a betrayal and is by no means holding it over his head.

I also agree you should look for a new MC. Our MC does not do IC with us, she says it's better to work on our individual problems in front of each other. More accountability and helps the R stick.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Exactly RWB!

I had something really small bother me 2 days ago. I forgot about it, then it popped into my head again tonight. I decided to bring it up. Unfortunately, it's something impossible for my H to "prove" that he's being honest and more a matter of "I hope he's telling the truth." 

Even if a concern you have is not something your DS can reassure with facts and hard evidence, their reaction to your questions can help judge if it's a red flag. Rug sweeping, gaslighting, and being defensive are reactions that would put me on alert. However, getting a reaction of concern and wanting to help, goes a long way in relieving any fears.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Until Jesus comes.


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