# Does anyone 'trade off' sex for other emotional stuff?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

It's been a while since I posted and according to my OH we've reached the end. I'm (to understate in the extreme) unwilling to give up and just said words to the effect : 
'I've even thought of making up some funny contract whereby if you'll reassure me of this and that I'll agree to sex daily, BJs every three days, whatever yadda yadda...' 
His response (a fair one and I think we're probably past the point of recovery anyway) was (a) 'but you'd never accept that if I said it to you'........ and (less fair because actually I wouldn't do it if I didn't want him/want to) ... but does that mean you'd do it without wanting to? 

So my question is, does anyone have a 'deal' over sex whether of the type I've described or any other? 

(I haven't the energy to go into our back story but it's a long one and I've accepted all sorts of my own errors along the way but he's saying he doesn't want to live with me full time and for me, after years together and some time engaged (not for 4 years) and clear knowledge of my insecurity in that 4 years, I'd hoped verbal reassurance would eventually come.)


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Nothing written. It's always "I'll meet your needs if you meet mine".

Honestly? I'd rather have it written down but then you have people doing the bare minimum to meet their contractual requirements.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do I understand this correctly? You want him to provide an emotional connection and he wants you to give him sex. One of you has to make the first move. You want him to be the one. You want him to make the first move so bad that you're willing to lose your marriage over it, just so that you don't have to provide sex before he gets on the emotional connection bandwagon?

Just seems to me that "someone" has to have faith that if they provide what the other wants that it will come back to them in the form of what they want. If he was here, I'd advise him to be the one to start. But he's not here. So I advise you to be the one to start. You can't fix this without putting out, so put your pride aside and start putting out.

As to your question, no I don't have such a "contract". I've kind of thought along those lines, as in, if we ever have another period of any more than 30 days without sex I'm moving out. But I've never said it out loud to her. She's never really asked for any more emotional action from me than I already give.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally I can't accept the concept of one partner 'giving in' to sex in exchange for anything. Sex has to be something that is desired by both parties. If not the relationship has to be worked on to get to that point. The idea of a woman saying something to the effect of 'do your business and get off of me' is a tremendous turn off. I'd rather watch porn and take care of myself.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Do I understand this correctly? You want him to provide an emotional connection and he wants you to give him sex. One of you has to make the first move. You want him to be the one. You want him to make the first move so bad that you're willing to lose your marriage over it, just so that you don't have to provide sex before he gets on the emotional connection bandwagon?
> 
> Just seems to me that "someone" has to have faith that if they provide what the other wants that it will come back to them in the form of what they want. If he was here, I'd advise him to be the one to start. But he's not here. So I advise you to be the one to start. You can't fix this without putting out, so put your pride aside and start putting out.
> 
> As to your question, no I don't have such a "contract". I've kind of thought along those lines, as in, if we ever have another period of any more than 30 days without sex I'm moving out. But I've never said it out loud to her. She's never really asked for any more emotional action from me than I already give.


Well you kind of get it; it's more than just an emotional connection, though... that's where it gets complicated. I believe he loves me but we bicker a lot. A lot. We have a 10yo son. He suffers from the bickering. For four years after a major bust-up he's 'banned' me from his house overseas where he takes our son so he can visit his granny. He's up and down like a rollercoaster as to whether he ever wants to live with me fulltime (no, we're not married but were for a while engaged) .... I just wanted reassurance that the 4 years would expire, I'd be welcomed at his other house, and that yes he did want to live with me fulltime. I (think) I know he loves and wants me, it's just the living together that's proving the problem. Which I would say has been exacerbated x-fold by me being so insecure for four years. ... that's the shortened version!! 
Your point about faith is very accurate. I've said countless times he expects a MEGA leap of faith from me. I sometimes manage to make that leap, then when his negativity about our future continues (or more accurately his refusal to reassure>>) I get on the insecurity rollercoaster again. 
nb we love sex with each other, which makes the whole thing such a nightmare.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Personally I can't accept the concept of one partner 'giving in' to sex in exchange for anything. Sex has to be something that is desired by both parties. If not the relationship has to be worked on to get to that point. The idea of a woman saying something to the effect of 'do your business and get off of me' is a tremendous turn off. I'd rather watch porn and take care of myself.



No, it wouldn't be like that at all. Not at all. I love us making love; it's just been so much day to day trivia hassle and stress and baggage and goodness knows what else THEN the (4 years ago) problem which led to me being doubly insecure and him flatly refusing to reassure me of our future. I find it hard to WANT someone who is all but saying (now pretty much saying) he doesn't want to be with me.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No, my husband and I do not have any sort of contract like that... nor would I ever consider such a thing. If it came to that, I would seriously think it was time to move on because either he would no longer be interested in a relationship with me or I would no longer want the marriage. Either way, such a contract would spell the end of us, in my eyes anyway.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

If you need a "contract" then desire is gone, and you need counseling or some serious work on the relationship together. Or to throw in the towel. 

Now that being said I have traded favors before.... for instance one morning my husband said, that bj yesterday was so good can I have another one before you go to work... I had been asking for romance for months and gotten none. I said under one condition, you do something romantic for me tonight. He agreed. He got his wish, I got mine. But it was done in fun, flirty manner, not like I wouldn't have given him the bj anyway and he knew that. lol I was just pointing out how I had been giving the things he asked for and wasn't getting what I asked for in return. Now if he asked me to sign a contract.. nope... 
HOWEVER marriage is a contract, if you are married, you are signing (the license) a contract to fulfill your partners needs for life.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Game theory.....we all do it. Romance, Love, Marriage Problems, and Economics - Q&A with Spousonomics Authors on How to Use Economics to Solve Marriage Problems


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

My H and I don't have an actual contract though


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

madimoff said:


> No, it wouldn't be like that at all. Not at all. I love us making love; it's just been so much day to day trivia hassle and stress and baggage and goodness knows what else THEN the (4 years ago) problem which led to me being doubly insecure and him flatly refusing to reassure me of our future. I find it hard to WANT someone who is all but saying (now pretty much saying) he doesn't want to be with me.


So you two have strong physical chemistry, but you're upset that he doesn't want to live with you after all this time and history between you, so you don't want to be intimate with him anymore?

I think it's natural to begin detaching from someone who prefers to remain more distant. If he believes you aren't compatible, I don't think he'd be able to give you the reassurance and security about your relationship that you want from him. Maybe you're starting to see that about him and are detaching?

Or maybe you are hurt that he doesn't want to live with you? That can make you want to step back from sex.

I don't think contract terms can cover the span of human emotions, needs, and wants that people bring into love relationships. A contract isn't likely to give you what you want or need.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I don't know if this will help in your case. My husband and I lost that emotional connection (for a number of reasons I won't go into right now). It got worse and worse until sex was nearly non existent. There came a point in time where my eyes where opened and I realized we weren't going to make it. I stopped having sex because he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. He stopped asking for sex because he was tired of being rejected. I broke the never ending circle. I started trying to have sex with him. He was so damaged from my rejection that he didn't want to have sex. I kept at it even though I was feeling rejected. After about 2 months of me chasing and wearing him down, we now have sex almost every night. He needed to feel wanted by me. Now that our sex life is back on track we are connecting emotionally better than we ever had in our marriage.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> I don't know if this will help in your case. My husband and I lost that emotional connection (for a number of reasons I won't go into right now). It got worse and worse until sex was nearly non existent. There came a point in time where my eyes where opened and I realized we weren't going to make it. I stopped having sex because he wasn't meeting my emotional needs. He stopped asking for sex because he was tired of being rejected. I broke the never ending circle. I started trying to have sex with him. He was so damaged from my rejection that he didn't want to have sex. I kept at it even though I was feeling rejected. After about 2 months of me chasing and wearing him down, we now have sex almost every night. He needed to feel wanted by me. Now that our sex life is back on track we are connecting emotionally better than we ever had in our marriage.


I hope you're still subscribed to this thread, Hopeful because although it's taken me yonks and a coincidence to see your post, you seem to have said where we are more succinctly than most. 
A question, if I may. Actually more than one The post above yours points out (accurately) my likely resentments/concerns which have led to me feeling so reluctant to have sex. I'd actually got to the point of thinking 'I'll have to break the cycle' when I saw your post - and I just wonder what if anything you said, felt, how the pair of you communicated about your turn-round while he was still uncertain? And how long did it take for him to start meeting your emotional needs? 
Fingers crossed you're out there watching the thread!

..... and how do you deal with irritations/disagreements etc or did they never get in the way even before the 'dry spell' ?


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