# New to the game



## CascadiaCJD (Dec 11, 2019)

Hello, I’m hoping to get some advice. It’s a long story. I’m so sorry. 

I’m dealing with a lot of weird complicated issues. I’m A 29F and hubby is 34M. We have been together 6 years and married for 1.

Things have always been a tad rocky between us but we always managed to stick through it. Now that we are married I find that I can’t connect at all with him. He always jumped from job to job but now as a married couple, I’m more worried about that behavior. He struggles with communication and frequently toggles between agreeing with me to hush me and indecisiveness about what he wants. We never have an argument that ends with a solution because he’s so scattered in his thoughts that I get lost too and then I get angrier. 

He’s negative and irritable often and cannot see the positive side of anything. It’s gotten to the point that I’m negative all the time too! after he’s been negative with me all day he wants a ton of affection which sends me such a strange signal that I just distance myself and I see that it hurts him. I’m just so tired of pretending his behavior is ok! 

He’s weird when I’m doing well in life. Almost like he is angry nothing good is happening for him. He thinks it’s luck and the universe just has no good luck for him. He’s happy for me but it’s thinly veiled displeasure at his own failures. 

I’ve been telling him for a few months that I’m struggling with connecting and his response is that he still feels connected and that’s that, no more discussion. 

We live together in an apartment that my mother has given me and he’s possessive about the place. His brother in law lives with us too and that has put a HUGE strain on us. We barely are intimate.i just can’t physically engage with him because I feel like I don’t enjoy him anymore.

The Complicated feelings I have are that some days I really want a divorce and some days we are fine. He will not consider marriage counseling at all! 

I’m so busy now days I can barely collect my thoughts about what to do. He’s looking for work by the way, so he’s home all day and doesn’t really clean or cook, just once/twice bi weekly. He mostly watches tv. 

He so sad sometimes I feel like getting married was something he wanted to do to heal his loneliness and it hasn’t. 

Also he’s not very nice or sympathetic towards animals or ppl, especially his family. 

Sorry guys I tried to cover the main points.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Thanks for joining and sorry this is happening.

He sounds like he’s depressed. Has he been to his doctor for a health check up?

If marriage counselling is not an option, perhaps you can start with IC (Individual Counseling)

It may give you some clarity


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## CascadiaCJD (Dec 11, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Thanks for joining and sorry this is happening.
> 
> He sounds like he’s depressed. Has he been to his doctor for a health check up?
> 
> ...



First I would like to say thank you so much for reading my post I haven’t been able to say these things to anyone because everyone thinks we are a fairytale couple. I feel heard for the first time. 

I know he is depressed because I have clinical depression and I know the various signs, but getting him to go see a specialist or any health professional is so much work and he will not go to see a doctor unless I go with him and I work every day except the weekends. He’s childish about going to the doctor.

But Due to bad experiences in the past he refuses any type of individual counseling.

so I think if I get some type of counseling it might help inform my next few decisions. 

It’s just hard to afford it because I’m paying for everything cause he’s out of work.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What relationship is his BIL to you?

Does BIL pay his way, or not?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

CascadiaCJD said:


> He thinks it’s luck and the universe just has no good luck for him.


Yuck. I find that to be one the least attractive qualities in a person. 

Why did you marry him? Do those reasons still apply? Don't even think about having kids with him until you sort things out.

As for me, I try to avoid negative people. I would certainly never want to be married to one.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

CascadiaCJD said:


> First I would like to say thank you so much for reading my post I haven’t been able to say these things to anyone because everyone thinks we are a fairytale couple. I feel heard for the first time.
> 
> I know he is depressed because I have clinical depression and I know the various signs, but getting him to go see a specialist or any health professional is so much work and he will not go to see a doctor unless I go with him and I work every day except the weekends. He’s childish about going to the doctor.
> 
> ...


Men have a hard time admitting that they need help. They seem to think that they should be able to sort if out for themselves. That's why I suggested the "health checkup". Not for mental health, but overall health. Sounds nicer since your MH is part of your overall health anyways.

As far as you going with him, is there ANY way that it could be arranged? Do you have a vacation day? A sick day? Anything that you could use?


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## CascadiaCJD (Dec 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> What relationship is his BIL to you?
> 
> Does BIL pay his way, or not?


He used to pay his rent but he stopped recently so I issued him a Notice To Quit. 

My husband does not like his brother very much anyway. He’s very lazy and irresponsible and it drives my husband crazy and it makes him extra irritable.


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## CascadiaCJD (Dec 11, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Men have a hard time admitting that they need help. They seem to think that they should be able to sort if out for themselves. That's why I suggested the "health checkup". Not for mental health, but overall health. Sounds nicer since your MH is part of your overall health anyways.
> 
> As far as you going with him, is there ANY way that it could be arranged? Do you have a vacation day? A sick day? Anything that you could use?


I have sick and vacation time. I can use them, but I would hate to make it a habit of accompanying him to all his appointments since he’s an adult. On the other hand, I hate that he allows himself to get beyond Sick.


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## CascadiaCJD (Dec 11, 2019)

FalCod said:


> CascadiaCJD said:
> 
> 
> > He thinks it’s luck and the universe just has no good luck for him.
> ...



Right? I hate this behavior! Self-Pity is gross! This behavior is kind of new since he lost employment two jobs back. 

Now that it’s surfaced, I actually have reconsidered having a child with him. He’s not attractive to me anymore.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Depression can make people very hard to live with. It's not self pity. It's self-loathing. It's a chemical imbalance, not a personality disorder.

Men manifest depression with anger, irritability and lack of sex drive.

That said, go the one time and then suggest that it's best if the dr talks with him privately so that they can figure out what's going on.
DO NOT have children with this man.

I am not blaming you. the situation is intolerable at best.

In the end though, you have to see if this is a person that you want to be with in the long term

Someone here said this once "it is NOT the person's responsibility that they are sick, however, it IS their responsibility to get help". 
I've suffered clinical depression my entire adult life and I agree with this statement 100%


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CascadiaCJD said:


> He used to pay his rent but he stopped recently so I issued him a Notice To Quit.
> 
> My husband does not like his brother very much anyway. He’s very lazy and irresponsible and it drives my husband crazy and it makes him extra irritable.


So it's his brother, your BIL.

Make sure you throw him out legally.


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