# I'm a bit confused



## chrish1979 (Apr 28, 2020)

sweet_jane said:


> I am going through pretty much the same thing as you! It's so frustrating, isn't it?
> 
> I'd like to chat more with you about how you're working your way through this and maybe we can exchange tips and advice and help eachother out.
> 
> ...


I have also been going through this and have been going through it for years. i really need a womans advice and would like to know if things have gotten better for you and your partner. I don't understand why I'm going through this because I have never had any complaints about my sex and I aim to please and always make sure the woman gets hers before I get mine. I don't finish until she gets at least 3 or more O's which I have given 10 in one night before. I have had women tell me that I was very good in bed and that I'm a man that loves to please so I'm a bit confused to why she does not want sex with me. Your feedback is much appreciated...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*chrish1979,*

I moved a post you made on an old thread to a thread of your own so you can get some input.

A lot of the men and women here on TAM have experienced what you are going through.

Could tell us some more about your marriage?

How long have you been married?
How old are the two of you?
Do you have any children? If so, how old are they?

What i your relationship? Do the two of you get along other than about sex?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

chrish1979 said:


> I have also been going through this and *have been going through it for years*. i really need a womans advice and would like to know if things have gotten better for you and your partner. I don't understand why I'm going through this because I have *never had any complaints about my sex *and I aim to please and always make sure the woman gets hers before I get mine. I *don't finish until she gets at least 3 or more O's* which I have given 10 in one night before. I have had* women tell me that I was very good in bed and that I'm a man that loves to please so I'm a bit confused to why she does not want sex with me.* Your feedback is much appreciated...


I am not totally clear on your problem, but I suspect I recognize a few things.

I am a man, but for a number of years I was in a sex starved marriage. What I learned through reading lots and lots of books on relationship issues, a couple marriage counselors and an incredibly skilled sex therapist finally allowed me to change, allowed my wife to change, and saved our marriage.

What I didn't realize about myself, as a man, was that although I never refused sex with my wife, I was putting too much pressure on my wife to have sex. That appears needy and clingy, not sexy. 

What I had to learn was that my wife and I have different levels of sexual desire. I want sex several times a week and she wants sex many once a week to twice every three weeks. I had to learn that I could not change my wife's level of sexual desire. She is the only one that can do that. We had to figure out the minimum amount of sex and intimate things I absolutely needed to have, what she could give and then negotiate a compromise we could both live with to be happy. A sex therapist helped us do that as well as move past some other issues.

You sound like a "Nice Guy." That is absolutely not a complement. I suggest you read and study Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is about men who need a woman's sexual love and affection to fulfill their insecurities. It is also about men who make "covert contracts," such as if I give you 10 orgasms, surely she will give me at least one orgasm. The key aspect of a covert contract is that it is something you do in expectation of your partner doing something in return; except the two of you have never discussed that "deal." When she doesn't live up to her part of the covert contract, you feel hurt. Instead of trying something else (a 180) you double down and try harder and then fail harder all without talking about what you want and need. You might be giving her something she just doesn't want or value.

Have you tried to think about sex from her perspective. Assume and really believe that she may want sex a lot less than you do. To her it may not have the same meaning and importance as it does to you. Can you imagine going to be with someone who prides themself on giving you ten orgasms, when all you want to do is go to sleep and be left alone? As they say there can be too much of a good thing and it is TOO MUCH. After a night of 10 orgasms, she might not feel up for sex for a week or so, let alone staying awake long enough to make sure you finish..

In addition to reading and understanding Glover's book NMMNG, I want to suggest MW Davis Book, the Sex Starved Marriage. In many respects her book is a companion to Glover's book. Basically the same topic, slightly different suggested approaches, but told from dramatically different perspectives. Davis and Glover teach you about "Getting a Life" which is code words for working on improving your issues, your emotional maturity, improving yourself physically, becoming a new and improved you who members of the opposite sex (and hopefully your spouse) find fascinating and sexy.

They also discuss the fact that you can't change your spouse, but you can change yourself and that will change the dynamic in your relationship. The change may be for the better or for worse, it is up to your spouse and how they interpret and react to your changes. You can give positive feedback if it is a change you like, but you can't really initiate the change or its direction. Rather than getting into a negative feedback loop where you do more and more of something that doesn't work, hoping for a different result, it is about trying different things (180's) until you find something that does work.

With the help of a really great sex therapist/marriage counselor my wife and I saved our marriage. We now have sex twice a week, which is less than I want, but more than she wants and a frequency we can both live with. We understand each other better and give what each other needs emotionally and physically. We are much better partners and have forgiven each other for all the past years of hurt and pain.

A few of the really tough lessons I had to learn along the way were: I can't change my wife, only she can change herself and only if she wants to. I can't expect her to know what I want without telling her. I can't ask her to do things she doesn't want to do until I really understand why she doesn't want to do them (and that involves lots of lots of listening) and even then she still may not want to do them. I have to forgive my W for any past pain she caused me by refusing to have sex with me and hurting me emotionally, when I was emotionally vulnerable. I have to understand that her sex drive and mine will never be the same and that is perfectly normal with no one being right or wrong. I also as the higher desire (HD) partner, need to accept that she will sometimes give me the gift of her love and her body because she wants to please me and that she will not want to have an orgasm every time we have sex. That last one doesn't make me a bad lover or less of a man, it just means I am HD and my W is LD and we love each other.

Again, I may have jumped to a few conclusions about your situation. If I have and my advice is off base, I apologize. It is just that some of the things you posted were real red flags based on harsh lesson I learned the hard way. My wife an I are in our 70's and been married for over 48 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chrish1979 said:


> I have also been going through this and have been going through it for years. i really need a womans advice and would like to know if things have gotten better for you and your partner. I don't understand why I'm going through this because I have never had any complaints about my sex and I aim to please and always make sure the woman gets hers before I get mine. I don't finish until she gets at least 3 or more O's which I have given 10 in one night before. I have had women tell me that I was very good in bed and that I'm a man that loves to please so I'm a bit confused to why she does not want sex with me. Your feedback is much appreciated...


*chrish1979, *

I'm checking in on you. How are you doing?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I am not totally clear on your problem, but I suspect I recognize a few things.
> 
> I am a man, but for a number of years I was in a sex starved marriage. What I learned through reading lots and lots of books on relationship issues, a couple marriage counselors and an incredibly skilled sex therapist finally allowed me to change, allowed my wife to change, and saved our marriage.
> 
> ...


I have read this reply a few times over, and feel it is likely very applicable to me. I have had a hard time wanting to accept this, but seems it is really the way I need to start thinking


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I have read this reply a few times over, and feel it is likely very applicable to me. I have had a hard time wanting to accept this, but seems it is really the way I need to start thinking


Good luck to you. It was very hard for both me and my wife to each change, but the pain was worth it. I wish the two of you the best.


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## Marriednatlanta (Sep 21, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I have read this reply a few times over, and feel it is likely very applicable to me. I have had a hard time wanting to accept this, but seems it is really the way I need to start thinking


There is a lot in this post I too identify with....


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Marriednatlanta said:


> There is a lot in this post I too identify with....


good luck to you and your spouse. Marriage counseling with a board certified sex therapist can be very helpful, if both you and your spouse are committed to your marriage and both willing to change yourselves.


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