# Tricks of the trade???



## NCC-1701 (Mar 6, 2013)

Hello All,

When I started thinking of asking this question (see below) it seemed to beg for an explanation of what led me to this point. When I started thinking of the explanation I figured if was going to a long drawn out detailed account of what led me here and then I thought 'Who wants to read all that?' Being a newbie to this site I thought I would look around first and see what people were discussing. I discovered several things, bervity is not prized here, and the posts and their responses seemed to be, for the most part, detailed and specific.

Maybe I should start with the question and then give the background, that might keep you interested. If this is one of those things that every woman and most men know please forgive my ignorance, take pity on me and then give me the straight dope (if you'll pardon the expression). Picture if you will a lying, maybe cheating, (former) crack *****, who every once in awhile disappears for days and nights at a time and comes home more often than not loaded off her ass. It's not all the time, usually 2, 3, 4, 5+ days around major holidays. My suspicion was piqued when she would come home and jump in the tub or the shower, almost without fail the panties would go in the wash immediately. I'm talking about 3 in the afternoon or 3 in the morning. I had the panties tested several times and they were negative. She know about the testing and lately I've been noticing her carrying pads and tampons around with her. What's suspicious about that is she's reasonably regular and in the middle of her month she doesn't need pads and she never uses tampons. When I confronted her about this recently thinking that she was taking precautions not to leak on to her panties, she said she was only carrying the small personal sized boxes of tampons in her purse to conceal her paraphernalia. When I see them it's usually a box with a few (2,3, or 4) tampons in there. Possible I suppose but my question is, is that a common thing for cheating wives to do, use pads and tampons to prevent any leakage on to their panties or am I just out in space on this one? I've know a number of women over the years who have indulged in things they needed to conceal and none of them ever used a tampon box.

Okay, here's the background. I've been married 2 and a half years. Two and a half months into the marriage I was away on business and she disappears for 3 days and winds up in a nut house loaded on pills and crack. Probably my biggest mistake was taking her back then. I should have left her there and gone down the road. I didn't say my biggest mistake was marrying her because I love her with all my heart and there may be, just may be some hope for her. Anyway, she winds up in a motel one of those nights and I'm a 1,000 miles away when I get a call from the front desk wondering if the guy sleeping in the room is going to be out of there before 12:00, if not, I'll get charged for another day. The woman was a little hesitant relaying all of this after she realized it was my credit card, I was the husband and he was not. The wife swears all she did was stay up all night and smoke crack. Her proof of not cheating is that she bought an $800 TV that she sold for dope and probably another $500 in 'stuff' during those 3 days. Her defense is that if she was trading herself for the crack she wouldn't have needed to spend all that money. Well.... it's a stretch.

She was on parole at the time and right after I got her out of the nut house her PO wanted to see her. She goes there and of course he tests her and of course she still is loaded up on pills and crack and he puts her in jail for 60 days. I wait it out. That first time I was just so overwhelmed with being in this whirlwind that I didn't have time to think much of it through. She told me she 'HAD' a problem, she never said 'I HAVE a problem.' but I don't suppose they ever do.

We, the wife and I, were supposed to go to TX but I wind up coming to Louisiana. During the time she is in jail I rented a house for us and her 3 kids who were with their grandmother for years. She's been in and out and the father has been in and out of their lives as well. She gets out in Oct. and Thanksgiving and Christmas were hell. She's home but must have been getting pills from somewhere because she's up for 3 and 4 days at a time. She slowed down after that until about May (right after I bought a house because it was cheaper than renting) when she winds up in another crack motel after riding around the hood a good part of the night. By then I had learned to track the phone so I knew where she was and I called her PO and had her arrested. Another 60 days or so and she's out at the beginning of July. She's good until the end of August and starts the same crap again over Labor Day. Now I have GPS on the car. By Thanksgiving and through Christmas she's hitting it pretty hard and then stays at her mother's for 4 or 5 days right after Christmas.

That was the second or third time I went to see a lawyer. I called her up and told her to expect the papers in the mail. She begged me not to do that 'I'll go to rehab, I'll go to NA, ....' and I relented one more time. She did go to NA faithfully for about 5 months and then started slacking off. By August of last last year she's at it again. She disappeared for a day and that time she came home without any panties at all. She has since admitted recently to cheating that one time. I called her PO again but we were just about to get hit with a hurricane and he couldn't get to see her and surprisingly never followed up on it. Now this Thanksgiving and Christmas, the same old crap. Her mother passed away at the end of October and that was all the excuse she needed.

Part of the reason I never left was because I can't be away from my business too long and would have to move over a weekend. The longer I stay here the more stuff I have to bring back to TX and that's a 1,000 miles one way. I can't take it all in one trip. By this Christmas when I have the kids asking me 'Mr. Kevin, why is mom in the living room talking to someone who's not there?' or 'Mr. Kevin, mom's sleeping on the kitchen floor, has she been there all night?' I didn't care any longer about what I left behind. It was costing me so much money to stay I figured even if I had to buy everything I owned all over again I would come out ahead. You have know idea about the thousands and thousands of dollars it costs to feed a serious drug habit. Not to mention thousands of dollars in jewelry, both hers and mine that she has hocked with crack dealers never to be seen again. A $3,800 pair of earring for $50 dollars worth of crack! Anyway, she was at it for a week after Christmas and I finally left on New Year's eve. When I got to TX I was still tracking the car and finally on the 2nd of January after I cut off the credit cards she stayed home. I thought finally, she's done for awhile. Nope! The very next day she's back at it. Only now without any money instead of spending 15 or 20 minutes here and there and riding around the rest of the time, now she's spending 45 minutes here and an hour there. Was she working for the crack and the pills? She says no, but who knows. Even though I had left she's is still driving my car, without a license btw, and on the way home that last night doing 85 down the interstate and 75 down a narrow little cow path of a road. When I saw that on the GPS I got really pissed, normally she is a very careful driver. The last straw was going to this place that she always goes that I'm thinking she's got something going on. As it turns out, when she did admit cheating, it was at that house (trailer) but she swears it was not with the guy who is normally there.

So even though I'm done and I'm in TX, I called her PO again and had her arrested to get her off the road. I figued the father was going to show up at the door and take the kids, he had done that once before. But low and behold, this time he's not interested. So I've got 3 teenagers in a house by themselves, their mother in jail and a father who apparently could care less. So what do I do, naturally being the nice guy, *******, that I am, I pack up again and come back.

So here I sit waiting for her to get out of jail again. I guess it's time to tell you that I have only hit the low points. When she is not using she really is the sweetest, most lovable woman I have ever known. I should also tell you I've been in AA for more than 31 years and lately a lot of NA as well. I qualify in either pgm. I have also been going to Al-Anon for a little better than a month now and being an AA member for so long I had my reservations. We always used to call it the stitch 'n ***** club (the wives would bring their crochet work with them to the meetings) and they met at 'Our Lady of Perpetual Pain.' A reference to their unforgiving nature while they made life a living hell for their alcoholic / addicted husbands. But it has really been helpful to see it from the other side. I know I enabled my wife way too much while trying to help her. I've always know that, but I'm done with that now. Having bitten the bullet and finally left this last time I know how easy it will be to do again. I'm ready for that and she knows it. I think she finally understands that I have a zero tolerance policy because I know the diet pills (Adderall / speed) leads to the pain pills (10's and Roxies) and then comes the Xanex or a dozen other things in between and then it's off to the hood for the crack.

She seems to be doing and saying all the right things. Going to meetings in jail, working the steps in NA, reading, discovering herself, and acknowledging her problem. We'll see. One pill and I'm down the road. No more chances, none, I'm done.

But back to my question which I'm sure you forgot by now. Is the pad / tampon trick something common among cheating wives? I guess I want to satisfy my own curiosity and gauge her honesty up to this point. It's probably a little bit of an ego thing on my part too, could I have been that wrong to suspect her?

Thanks for your insight.
K.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

NCC-1701 said:


> But back to my question which I'm sure you forgot by now. Is the pad / tampon trick something common among cheating wives? I guess I want to satisfy my own curiosity and *gauge her honesty up to this point*. It's probably a little bit of an ego thing on my part too, could I have been that wrong to suspect her?


:scratchhead:

As a matter of fact, I did forget the original question. And I am quite frankly amazed to find out it is still your question. I thought maybe, like I did, after reading what you wrote you figured "hmmm...maybe how she hides her w.h.o.r.i.n.g" is the least of your problems. 

She's addicted to crack. She needs money for crack. She bought a TV then sold if for crack money.

(The economics behind that deserves another :scratchhead

You've traced her to crack hotels. With naked men sleeping in her room. Cheating? I'm not sure if selling yourself to strange men in order to score drugs is considered "cheating". 

You need more than a relationship forum. You need help. Real help. Sorry, I can't give it. But I can hopefully start to help you see what you (amazingly) do not see.

Star Trek geek marries crack w.h.o.r.e. I see a new TV series coming up. Make sure you hold out for top dollar on the movie rights. 

Only on TAM

PS: Sorry. I just read what I wrote. Sorry to use that term for your wife. But I can't think of any other one that fits any better. Do you ever watch TV? She's right out of central casting. Sorry man.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Sorry, I stopped reading when I got to the drugs and disappearing for days. Even without going further, you have the right o divorce or require a rehab center or something. The fact that you continued and say it only happens "once in a while" means you need help coming back to reality as well.

No more info needed.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

She doesn't have a clue what goes on while she's flying on crack.
You need to return the kids to their grandmother and make as quiet an exit as possible.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Like the others, I agree, she needs rehab.  She is exchanging sex for drugs. You are dealing with infidelity, but it is a business transaction.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm not familiar with her lifestyle, but I would almost guarantee she slept with other men being gone for days and SHARING a room with one! Cheaters always lie and can not be trusted. About the tampon/pad deal, I would imagine that is where she's hiding those awful drugs. If she gets stopped by a canine officer, she will not be able to hide what she's carrying.

Her being on the drugs alone should very well be your deal breaker. You can't help her get off the drugs. It seems as if she's going to use them for the rest of her life. These drugs will kill her when she OD's. And for gosh sakes, I'd never allow any children around her. She's an extremely horrible example. Those kids are exposed to a very harsh environment. Those kids need to go back to their grandparents. If the grandparents say no, then another family member. Even a foster home(all together) is better then seeing their mom doped up.

Your wife is cheating on you on top of her horrific drug habit. It's time to move on and file. She's not marriage or mother material.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I can tell you from arresting 100s of crackheads, it won't be long before she tries selling your kids off for drugs and since your not around much it will be hard for you when you discover after a 3 day trip that your 8 year old daughter / son had a train run on her or him by 3 pieces of sh1t all weekend while you were gone working..

End result you will kill your wife out of sheer horror or eventually the police will take your kids away and arrest either her or both of you for neglect.


So get divorced and get custody of the kids and try to fix your lives best you can. But keep your Ex away from them. 

Good luck..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The first husband realized that she won't stop, she's made her clear choice and won't stop.

She's played the game so long that she knows all the right answers to the questions, but it's all just lies.

That is never going to stop.

So stop wasting $ and your life of her.

Have child services give the kids to the real father. He's still responsible for his kids until 18, so tough if he doesn't like it.

Sell the house they are living in. 

Get out, and on the way get tested for every STD they make a test for because anyone who'd sleep with a crack who're isn't gonna be a clean guy.

You can't fix her if she won't fix herself.

You say you've been through AA, so you should know that already.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy i can't believe the bottoms of your sneakers are'nt on fire from running so fast...as you can clearly see,she has desperate problems,and don't believe her words while she's in jail....they know ALL the correct things to say to make you believe them...and you can darn well believe she never used a condom while she was PAYING for her drugs....with your current job there's no way in hell for you to keep a eye on her.....my vote is run and run fast.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Good night, you're worried about pads in her underwear?

Get out. You can't fix her, you won't fix her. How many chances does it take to understand that?

I understand your concern about her children. Report her to DHS, tell her grandparents, whatever. Foster care would be a much better option for them. 

Then get into counseling to find out why you apparently have the need to fix the unfix-able. I've read many a story about men in similar situations that have a psychological need to do this with the women they wind up with. If you don't fix it, it may very well happen to you again down the road.

Sorry, but that's how I see it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

JB is that you, you old scamp!


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

The major problem is, is it the cheating or the crack? Which comes first? The egg or the chicken? 

This woman is not going to change until she hits rock bottom, which since it has not yet come, God knows what it will take. You need to let her go. You are enabling her. She has your money to buy dope without selling her body, so the cheating is part of the drug binge.

She can also drug in a private space (the motel) BY HERSELF so the surround screwing is a preference. I never did drugs but I interned at a rehab. The only thing that can help a drug-addict is their own willingness to admit that the drug has destroyed their life...It has to cause them enough pain and loss that they will want to change their behavior. You can't be her savior, it's only going to make her worse. She has to come to her reality on her own. 

In treatment, we have to do quite a bit of brutal mental punching to help the addict keep it real. The crack lifestyle has a significant effect on the physical body, she's gonna deteriorate in no time. 

Although drug addiction is believed to be the self-medicating of severe physical/mental/sexual abuse in the formative years, the best thing you can do for her is to separate from her, take care of yourself, cut all contact for a while. You can tell her why in a non-emotional, matter-of-fact letter...Eg. Because you did this, this, this, bye. Resist any request from her to explain. Addicts are bar-none when it comes to manipulation and empty promises.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> JB is that you, you old scamp!


This made me laugh out loud!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married a meth head? Really? What were you thinking?

And now you seem to act like all is ok as long as she's not cheating.

She might be cheating to get more drugs. But your tests have come up clean. 

Divorce is in order. You cannot fix this.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You would have to be an absolute masochist to stay with her. 
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See a lawyer
3. Stop wasting your life


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## NCC-1701 (Mar 6, 2013)

Thank you all for your input. I didn't want to respond to each and every post so I waited until it wound down. I do agree with all of you, I mean I understand where you're coming from and where I should be and would be coming from as well if it wasn't for her using and the possibility of her recovering. I've been in AA / NA for a long, long time and I recognize that we all have the capacity to recover from our own demons. I believe her behavior is motivated be her using and if that ended so would the bad behavior. I am (and have been) willing to see that through.

The key is how I define 'through.' Well I am through with this if she doesn't get the NA program this time. One more pill, just one, and she'll be on her own and I'll be down the road. I thought I owed the marriage and her this one last chance, but there is a limit and I've reached it.

Thank you all again.
Kevin


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