# Men, I need your advice



## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

I have started a previous thread about needing advice on a spouse possibly wanting to leave- long story short he dropped the bomb, said he wasn't happy, willing to work on our marriage, but has been up, down, in between and all over the map on his emotions and his behavior- no suspected drugs or affair, just an overworked, tired, confused husband. 

He has been to counseling once on his own, once on my own, and together once since he dropped the bomb. I have done everything to change my behavior towards him- everything he complained to me about what I've been doing that has made him check out of the marriage I have corrected. No nagging, no fighting, more sex, giving him guy time, I mean everything. Yet he is still checked out- he works every day of the week and before and after work the only thing he does is watch tv, movies, or sits on his phone. Doesn't engage, doesn't try to communicate, in fact he has been quite selfish about everything. I want to address, nicely in a calm and communicative way that I am quite frustrated at this point, that I have been making strides to fix our issues and he has done nothing despite his willingness to try to get us back on track. He has another private therapy session in a few days. Should I wait to address issues of frustration until he's had more time to blow off steam with the therapist? It has been a whirlwind of emotions and behaviors the last two weeks, I'm ready to leave until he can get his life together. (See previous thread) I even have the letter written out and ready to give to him. I want to support him because clearly this isn't just about Our marriage, there is something much deeper going on, and he seems unresponsive to all of my attempts and willingness to change my behavior. I have asked if he wants me to go to give him his space, or at least sleep in another room and he refuses to let me do that. He's giving so many mixed signals I can't even tell what's up or down anymore. One day he's kissing and hugging, the next completely walled off. Texting me all day while he's at work, but won't communicate with me at home. Guys, is there something I can do or do I just need more patience?


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## austories (Mar 29, 2017)

Suggest follow this advice BELOW...it was husband re wife but same principles apply....your husband is NOT entitled to stand by and watch your brain fry....you CAN do something yourself, SO DO IT..THIS IS FROM AMELIA EARHART - Mostly, my flying has been solo, but the preparation for it wasn't. Without my husband's help and encouragement, I could not have attempted what I have. Ours has been a contented and reasonable partnership, he with his solo jobs and I with mine. But always with work and play together, conducted under a satisfactory system of dual control...TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS SHE AND HER HUSBAND WORKED AS A TEAM...AMELIA ALSO SAID "Adventure is worthwhile in itself."...SO GO AND ADVENTURE AND STOP WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE THE HEAD OF THIS IDIOT....HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND BEING A MAN INVOLVES HONESTY AND DECENCY AND RESPECT. HE'S DEFICIENT ON ALL THE THE THINGS I JUST NAMED....DO NOT BE OWNED!! FIGHT FOR FAIR!..SEE BELOW...

"To recap. After years of sexual rejections I was in a pathetic state and made a few pathetic posts that are painful to read now. On the verge of mental breakdown on the verge of cheating.

Wife told me straight up that she doesn't love me any more and we should stay together for the kids. That was almost rock bottom.

Our marriage followed a predictable pattern: almost no sex, I wanted to leave, hysterical bonding commenced for a few days / weeks then things slided back to the old normal. Repeat every 2-3 years. I chickened out every time.

I somehow got by averaging 0-2 times a month, but it was taking a heavy toll on me. There were times when we didn't have sex at all for a whole year.

Breakdown

Roughly 2 years ago I came close to a mental breakdown. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't work. I would just sit on a bench in a park staring at the horizon and thinking about divorce.

I was going to lose my job. I realize that this relationship unsustainable.

I wrote her an emotional letter. Pouring out my feelings. She just cried and played the victim. (For me daring to put pressure on her.)

A new approach

Shortly after I decided that I've run out of ****s to give.

I was ready to give my marriage one last try. But I also marked a D-Day on the calendar at which point I would divorce her unless our sex life was functional. I didn't tell her.

But my mindset was: if my wife wouldn't **** me than some other woman will.

And I began implementing a new approach.
•I realized that instead of supplicating her, and trying to earn her goodwill by treating her like a princess, I won't give my time and attention unconditionally any more.
•In almost every aspect of our relationship (outside sex) I decided that I won't give her more than she gives me. Messages, discussions, phone calls, hugs, presents, "I love yous" etc.
•I started working out like a maniac (again). Lost 40 pounds from my peak weight and gained a significant amount of muscle. I'm in the best shape of my life and still going.
•In general I stopped giving a **** about her feelings and moods. I was ready to give her a hug any time she was sad or upset, but at the start of any kind of hostile, disrespectful behavior or accusatory tone, I would either turn the conversation into a joke or leave.
•I started to prepare for single life. I started cooking and taking care of my **** in general. In addition to physical improvements I started grooming much more seriously. Started researching men's clothing. Completely replaced my wardrobe.
•I completely eliminated any signs of needyness on my part. I don't talk to her about my feelings ever. (I do still listen to her when she talks about hers.)
•It was hard, but I trained myself not to get pissed about sexual rejections. (Took a couple of months.) I initiate a lot and when I get rejected I disengage and try again the next day.
•I became much more dominant in the bedroom.


A painful transition

All these changes freaked her out initially.

It was a painful period for her. She started going to a therapist. She cried a lot. A few weeks in she said I need to seek professional help and that she wanted a divorce. I hugged her and told her to sleep on it.

She threatened to take the kids and leave. She disappeared for 3 days with them without saying anything. I realized that it was just her attempt at drama so I simply ignored it.

Many times she tried to shame me out of my approach. Shame me for dressing and grooming better, calling me a metrosexual. Shaming my diet. (She's still fat.) Shaming my workouts. (She doesn't do any sports.) Accusing me of wanting to live a playboy life []. Every time I laughed at her and carried on.

She called me a psychopath. I laughed and carried on.

She told me that she needs me to talk about my feelings. She needs to feel close to be sexually attracted to me. I heard this song before (15 years of nearly sexless marriage!), but this time I ignored it. Drew her close and put a big kiss on her head. Then carried on.

I got a vasectomy. She freaked out. I ignored her drama and carried on.

I got paternity tests. She freaked out. I ignored her drama and carried on.

Initially, she tried to combat all this by weaponizing sex. In turn I withdrew my time and attention. I wouldn't give it unconditionally any more. This let to cold wars that could last multiple weeks. She slept in a separate room and we wouldn't talk to each other. She called me abusive, cried and made sure I saw the waterworks. I ignored it and carried on.

It was rough. I wasn't sure if we would stay together. But I carried on, counting down the days towards D-Day.

This lasted a couple of months with many ups and downs.

The new normal

2 years later we're having the most and best sex we ever had in our 20+ years of relationship. It's mind boggling.

She got a husband who is in shape, well dressed, who takes care of the kids and the household. I don't whine, I don't complain. Any trace of my old needyness is gone.

I take her on dates, I take her on surprise trips abroad. But I also initiate sex a lot. And it's very different sex than in our first 18 years together. And when we have it she touches my muscles she told me she didn't like ("only bar [women] care about muscles").

I still love my wife. She is my high school sweetheart and a devoted mother of my children. But she can't coast on that alone any more. She has to be a decent wife (not just a good mom) otherwise I won't think twice about divorcing her. I don't tell this to her, but she can feel it.

She seems happy now. The crying is gone. The disrespect is gone"


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

austories said:


> Suggest follow this advice BELOW...it was husband re wife but same principles apply....your husband is NOT entitled to stand by and watch your brain fry....you CAN do something yourself, SO DO IT..THIS IS FROM AMELIA EARHART - Mostly, my flying has been solo, but the preparation for it wasn't. Without my husband's help and encouragement, I could not have attempted what I have. Ours has been a contented and reasonable partnership, he with his solo jobs and I with mine. But always with work and play together, conducted under a satisfactory system of dual control...TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS SHE AND HER HUSBAND WORKED AS A TEAM...AMELIA ALSO SAID "Adventure is worthwhile in itself."...SO GO AND ADVENTURE AND STOP WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE THE HEAD OF THIS IDIOT....HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND BEING A MAN INVOLVES HONESTY AND DECENCY AND RESPECT. HE'S DEFICIENT ON ALL THE THE THINGS I JUST NAMED....DO NOT BE OWNED!! FIGHT FOR FAIR!..SEE BELOW...
> 
> "To recap. After years of sexual rejections I was in a pathetic state and made a few pathetic posts that are painful to read now. On the verge of mental breakdown on the verge of cheating.
> 
> ...


Daaang. I think I just got my answer. ? You rock!


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Has he been screened for depression or other mental illness? 

I suggest you work on improving your ability to be more self sufficient and independent. It makes you happier, more attractive to spouse and will prep you in case marriage ends in divorce. 

Barring mental illness I'd bet if you walked out and served him divorce papers he would magically snap out of his poor behavior. I've seen guys like this act like moody little *****es as a way to control their wife. It's the male version of the crazy train.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Austories approach encapsulates it all.
At it is you are bending over backwards, with no reciprocation from him. 

He is either depressed or otherwise engaged (cheating).

Austories, did his own version of the 180, you should consider doing the 180 too. He is an adult and has the responsibility to communicate his issues with you, if he will not then you take care of yourself, do things for yourself, let him wallow.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Has he been screened for depression or other mental illness?
> 
> I suggest you work on improving your ability to be more self sufficient and independent. It makes you happier, more attractive to spouse and will prep you in case marriage ends in divorce.
> 
> ...


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> commonsenseisn't said:
> 
> 
> > Has he been screened for depression or other mental illness?
> ...


His therapist has said that he is depressed and my husband will tell you he is depressed, but he blames it all on me. I have not only fessed up and owned everything I did to create this failing marriage, but I have put into place significant changes to better myself- for me and for our marriage. Yet he mopes, is short, and disconnected. He buries himself in his fantasy land of tv every spare moment he isn't at work despite my attempts to try and communicate with him. All this advice is great.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you make it sound as if everything is your fault and you have changed those habits to make your husband happy. Is it really all your fault? Were you really a terrible wife? Are you acting different or truly trying to change? There's a big difference. Think about the things you are trying to change. Are the changes truly healthy or is it more a lowering of your expectations and raising your tolerance level?

I ask because if the changes aren't sustainable they mean nothing, six weeks or six months from now things will be back to being the same. Sometimes when people get desperate they think they are willing to do anything to save their marriage, but that isn't always the healthiest approach. Your post has a lot of resentment toward your husband, I get the feeling in a short period of time you are going to be throwing all these changes in his face and be even angrier. 

I don't know your back story so am going off this post. Consider very carefully if the changes are a healthy attempt to make you a better person or an attempt to mask your true feelings to appease your husband. You need to be true to yourself before anyone else, it's possible you two just aren't compatible.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

naturepeacelove said:


> I have started a previous thread about needing advice on a spouse possibly wanting to leave- long story short he dropped the bomb, said he wasn't happy, willing to work on our marriage, but has been up, down, in between and all over the map on his emotions and his behavior- no suspected drugs or affair, just an overworked, tired, confused husband.


In addition to trying to give him everything he needs, this is also a time to air out your needs in the relationship as well. But do so patiently. 

Regarding happiness, you can't need that from him. You have to find that on your own and share it with your husband. If he comes home tired and feels you being needy for him to make you happy, that could be frustrating and overwhelming for him emotionally. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> Should I wait to address issues of frustration until he's had more time to blow off steam with the therapist? It has been a whirlwind of emotions and behaviors the last two weeks, I'm ready to leave until he can get his life together. (See previous thread) I even have the letter written out and ready to give to him. I want to support him because clearly this isn't just about Our marriage, there is something much deeper going on, and he seems unresponsive to all of my attempts and willingness to change my behavior. I have asked if he wants me to go to give him his space, or at least sleep in another room and he refuses to let me do that. He's giving so many mixed signals I can't even tell what's up or down anymore. One day he's kissing and hugging, the next completely walled off. Texting me all day while he's at work, but won't communicate with me at home. Guys, is there something I can do or do I just need more patience?


As a ConfusedHusband, I can tell you that we (men) do go through emotional problems. How old are you guys? Kids? Work situation of both?

See here is the thing: if he is going to therapy it means he wants to stay with you, otherwise he would have already left.

Dont leave! Dont make decisions for him. He probably needs you and all this might have nothing to do with you. I totally see myself in his behavior when one day he is all hugs and kisses and then he can't even be in the same room with you. He is confused about his own feelings, short-circuited, and does not know what to believe is real.

I love my wife deeply but I feel like its not enough for me. I do stupid stuff like flirting with other ladies (your husband doesnt but he marries his work now) and we do this to distance ourselves from all that emotional confusion. 

Men solve problems by rationalizing them and fixing them, or by abandoning them.There is nothing worse for a man to have a problem, that is urgent and imminent, and he cannot solve it. He will go crazy! If the problem is emotional, the smart guys will see a therapist to find out what the heck is goin on, but most men will simply leave. So you are lucky your hubby is smart.

Here are things that if my wife does them now, I would most likely leave:

- she accuses me of having an affair (I'm working super hard NOT to have one)
- she tries to be closer and do "special" things for me (it freaks me out and I think I really screwed up)
- she she will cast me on the couch labelling me as "the one that needs space"

Things that make want to stay with my wife:

- she is an ocean of calm in my stormy life (she keeps doing what is has always done)
- she does NOT worry about my change but accepts it and goes through it WITH me (just stay by my side without trying to fix it)
- she gives me space but she doesnt say it
- she is open to intimacy knowing that I might not want any for a couple of weeks, then one weekend it can look like a porn movie.

Hope this helps.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

He sounds like my wife, depressed. She to never wants to speak about what's going on, makes digs at me about things for no reason and just generally seems to dismiss me at times. I've tried talking, tried counseling but she says she doesn't believe in it, I've written letters telling her what I feel and why, and nothing. So about a month ago now I started the 180, concentrating more on me and less on her. Yes I've slipped from the 180 a couple times as it is a hard thing to do at the beginning, but it has been going well. I've been working out again and in the best shape I've been in about 6 years, doing more with my friends and things I want to do, and just feeling much better about myself in general. I do extend invitations to her from time to time when I do things I know or think she may like, if she wants to join, great, if not, no big deal. Things between us are still not great, but they have improved. Sex is still lacking but she's never had a big appetite for sex. But I have made the decision that I'm just going to keep on concentrating more on myself and less worrying less about her and just see how it goes. If things work out between us great, and if not, I'll be in a better place in my head for the next phase of my life.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > Should I wait to address issues of frustration until he's had more time to blow off steam with the therapist? It has been a whirlwind of emotions and behaviors the last two weeks, I'm ready to leave until he can get his life together. (See previous thread) I even have the letter written out and ready to give to him. I want to support him because clearly this isn't just about Our marriage, there is something much deeper going on, and he seems unresponsive to all of my attempts and willingness to change my behavior. I have asked if he wants me to go to give him his space, or at least sleep in another room and he refuses to let me do that. He's giving so many mixed signals I can't even tell what's up or down anymore. One day he's kissing and hugging, the next completely walled off. Texting me all day while he's at work, but won't communicate with me at home. Guys, is there something I can do or do I just need more patience?
> ...


This helped. I woke up ready to leave this morning after our conversation late last night. I was able to extract more info from him. He says:

He's confused about his feelings towards me. He loves me, but not like a husband should love a wife. (He doesn't think anyway, he said all these feelings are new to him and he's not sure what to feel) he feels no hatred toward me, he thinks I'm a good person, he just said throughout the last 4 years he has built up all his frustration with our issues and it's come to a head and these rivers of emotions are messing with his head. He's still here only because he doesn't want to make a bad decision and regret leaving. Throughout the last two weeks he has "tried" to reconnect with me but to me, he hasn't tried. He just miles around the house and buries his mm self into tv. 

We talked very calmly and very openly. I told him that I am tired, hurt, I've lost weight because I can't eat, to live with someone that you still love like crazy that can't reciprocate those feelings is torture. I would mention or say "I just don't know" or "I don't know if this is going to work" he would act worried, and say "what do you mean by that?" Like he was almost worried that I'm showing signs of defeat as well.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Cooper said:


> OP you make it sound as if everything is your fault and you have changed those habits to make your husband happy. Is it really all your fault? Were you really a terrible wife? Are you acting different or truly trying to change? There's a big difference. Think about the things you are trying to change. Are the changes truly healthy or is it more a lowering of your expectations and raising your tolerance level?
> 
> I ask because if the changes aren't sustainable they mean nothing, six weeks or six months from now things will be back to being the same. Sometimes when people get desperate they think they are willing to do anything to save their marriage, but that isn't always the healthiest approach. Your post has a lot of resentment toward your husband, I get the feeling in a short period of time you are going to be throwing all these changes in his face and be even angrier.
> 
> I don't know your back story so am going off this post. Consider very carefully if the changes are a healthy attempt to make you a better person or an attempt to mask your true feelings to appease your husband. You need to be true to yourself before anyone else, it's possible you two just aren't compatible.


Changes I am making are healthy. To be honest, I am a nagger. I have trust issues that stem from my childhood. I have been seeing a therapist for my anxiety and trust issues. I am doing everything I can to better myself first so that I can be a better spouse. He admits that I am a kind, loving, passionate and caring person, and I am, just with a few disconnected wires that I am putting back in place. He has even said that he has seen positive changes in me in the last few months that I have been going to therapy. His spark for me is gone and doesn't know if he can get the fire rekindled. He's confused and broken. He doesn't know how to reconnect with me. This is all per our conversation late last night. I was ready to get up and leave today but reading some of these posts changed my mind.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, basically what Austories did, was he completed the 180. He focused on himself and his happiness. He stopped worrying about what other thought of him and instead focused on what he wanted for himself. He wanted a happy fulfilling marriage with an engaged woman. He gave her the opportunity to come along for the ride (if that was what she wanted) but he was prepared to find it elsewhere if need be. THAT is exactly what you should do. Figure out what YOU want and start advocating for yourself.
Too often, we determine what we want is what we imagine we have (or could have if only....)Then we dig in our heals and fight for THIS relationship, even when THIS relationship is not meeting our needs or efforts to repair THIS relationship are not being met with reciprocation. The result is often heart break and emotional devastation.
So do a 180. Focus on yourself, not him, and certainly not THIS relationship. That is not to say you are jettisoning this relationship, but you need to be prepared if your H decided not to take this journey with you. BY focusing on yourself you will prepare your self for this possibility and be able to not only recover but to succeed in life beyond your wildest dreams.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> He sounds like my wife, depressed. She to never wants to speak about what's going on, makes digs at me about things for no reason and just generally seems to dismiss me at times. I've tried talking, tried counseling but she says she doesn't believe in it, I've written letters telling her what I feel and why, and nothing. So about a month ago now I started the 180, concentrating more on me and less on her. Yes I've slipped from the 180 a couple times as it is a hard thing to do at the beginning, but it has been going well. I've been working out again and in the best shape I've been in about 6 years, doing more with my friends and things I want to do, and just feeling much better about myself in general. I do extend invitations to her from time to time when I do things I know or think she may like, if she wants to join, great, if not, no big deal. Things between us are still not great, but they have improved. Sex is still lacking but she's never had a big appetite for sex. But I have made the decision that I'm just going to keep on concentrating more on myself and less worrying less about her and just see how it goes. If things work out between us great, and if not, I'll be in a better place in my head for the next phase of my life.


This is what I was planning on doing- I started going back to the gym but only because he was pushing me to (I wanted to go anyway) I am a very slim gal and just wanted to bulk up. Last night I thought that maybe if I left for a while that It would make him realize that yes he still wants me or it felt okay me being gone and he would make up his mind. This hanging in the balance thing is tearing me apart. Leaving would also help me to get my mind clear and off all this hurt.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You've changed everything that was an issue. That's nice. Keep up the good work. It may take months for him to notice the change and believe that it is real and lasting. Anyone can change things for a week or two - lasting consistency is required for it to sink in. You can ask him to make the changes you want, too - if you both make an effort and keep it going, then things will improve. However, he may feel that he needs to see a real effort from you first, before making one himself. Is that fair? Maybe not, but is it something you can accept for a while?


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

@superconfusedhusband I meant to add in my reply back to you: I am 33, he is 30, no kids, he works full time(most of the time 7 days) and I work part time right now, looking for more hours at my job or possibly getting a new full time job. He works second shift so it's very limited time that we get together. Part of the reason I nagged him to death. No time for quality anything.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> You've changed everything that was an issue. That's nice. Keep up the good work. It may take months for him to notice the change and believe that it is real and lasting. Anyone can change things for a week or two - lasting consistency is required for it to sink in. You can ask him to make the changes you want, too - if you both make an effort and keep it going, then things will improve. However, he may feel that he needs to see a real effort from you first, before making one himself. Is that fair? Maybe not, but is it something you can accept for a while?


I'd be more willing to accept it if he was actually trying on his end. He says his feelings for me have just fizzled out and he's not sure if they will be returning, he loves and cares for me but not like a husband should feel for his wife. He wants to reconnect but doesn't know how, even though our counselor has made it pretty clear how. I throw hints at wanting to give up and leave and he gets worried. I don't do it to threaten but more or less I'm tired, also confused, and feel like it's the best for me right now, to be away from him and let him think about what he wants.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Why is it that you are so sure he isn't cheating?
This has a lot of those telltale signs.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> This is what I was planning on doing- I started going back to the gym but only because he was pushing me to (I wanted to go anyway) I am a very slim gal and just wanted to bulk up. Last night I thought that maybe if I left for a while that It would make him realize that yes he still wants me or it felt okay me being gone and he would make up his mind. This hanging in the balance thing is tearing me apart. Leaving would also help me to get my mind clear and off all this hurt.


I don't think that you leaving for a while is the best idea. One thing that I've found is that pulling the 180 while still living together is way more effective. It's hard as hell to do and stick with, but what I've seen is that my wife seeing me happy and going about my life and the things that I like to do, and hanging out and playing with our son, all without her involved, for the first time has seem to kick her into gear to want to work on things. 

One of the biggest things I've noticed is when I go to do something that I know she'd also enjoy, I ask her if she wants to join. At the beginning she always said no, so I went on without her and did whatever it was myself. When I'd get home she'd ask me how it was, I could she it drove her crazy when I told her what a good time I had. And then later that night she would always ask to have a drink together or watch a movie together.

It's like you want to stay together with them so that they can see first hand that you're ok, you're living your life and your happy with it. If you separate, they can't see that and I don't think the 180 is as effective. The 180 is always effective to you and your growth as a person, but I think it's more effective in helping a marriage if the other person sees that you don't necessarily need them or rely on them like they wish or think you should.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Why is it that you are so sure he isn't cheating?
> This has a lot of those telltale signs.


Every minute is accounted for. He leaves and arrives home every day at the same time. He checks in with me often, there isn't much room for him to cheat. I know a lot of his coworkers, he would be stupid to have an affair at work because both his dad and brother work with him. If anything, there could be an EA. He is also very willing to work with our therapist, and is pretty open and honest with him. I feel like if there was another woman, he'd be gone.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > This is what I was planning on doing- I started going back to the gym but only because he was pushing me to (I wanted to go anyway) I am a very slim gal and just wanted to bulk up. Last night I thought that maybe if I left for a while that It would make him realize that yes he still wants me or it felt okay me being gone and he would make up his mind. This hanging in the balance thing is tearing me apart. Leaving would also help me to get my mind clear and off all this hurt.
> ...


Very good point. It's really hard to 180 when finances are already stretched and there isn't much to do where we live. But I'm going to do my best


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> Very good point. It's really hard to 180 when finances are already stretched and there isn't much to do where we live. But I'm going to do my best


I know it's hard, I've been doing it myself now for a little over a month. Yes there are days that I slip because I just really want to talk to her and see how she is or hope that something magically happened over night, lol, but you just have to stick with it. If you slip, catch yourself and put yourself right back in your happy place. It does work and I have seen a difference in my wife and her attitude.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

austories said:


> Suggest follow this advice BELOW...it was husband re wife but same principles apply....your husband is NOT entitled to stand by and watch your brain fry....you CAN do something yourself, SO DO IT..THIS IS FROM AMELIA EARHART - Mostly, my flying has been solo, but the preparation for it wasn't. Without my husband's help and encouragement, I could not have attempted what I have. Ours has been a contented and reasonable partnership, he with his solo jobs and I with mine. But always with work and play together, conducted under a satisfactory system of dual control...TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS SHE AND HER HUSBAND WORKED AS A TEAM...AMELIA ALSO SAID "Adventure is worthwhile in itself."...SO GO AND ADVENTURE AND STOP WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE THE HEAD OF THIS IDIOT....HE NEEDS TO BE A MAN AND BEING A MAN INVOLVES HONESTY AND DECENCY AND RESPECT. HE'S DEFICIENT ON ALL THE THE THINGS I JUST NAMED....DO NOT BE OWNED!! FIGHT FOR FAIR!..SEE BELOW...
> 
> "To recap. After years of sexual rejections I was in a pathetic state and made a few pathetic posts that are painful to read now. On the verge of mental breakdown on the verge of cheating.
> 
> ...


Wow divorce seems so much better then this! Life is way too short. 

It also strikes me that your wife could have made the same post as OP at one point in your marriage. Everyone here would be saying, "are you really to blame for all this, sounds like your husband is cheating."


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Wow divorce seems so much better then this! Life is way too short.
> 
> It also strikes me that your wife could have made the same post as OP at one point in your marriage. Everyone here would be saying, "are you really to blame for all this, sounds like your husband is cheating."


Divorce is the easy way out. I have more respect for the people who try their hardest and exhaust every possible option to fix things. If it truly isn't meant to be then fine, but fight for what's yours, don't just give up and sign your past and half your property away because that's the easy and less painful thing to do.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > Wow divorce seems so much better then this! Life is way too short.
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm glad that you want to stay and work things out. You're doing the best thing although your H isn't really helping you down this path. Staying and fixing things is the tough way best and the best way out of your problem, I just hope the your H wants the same thing. I'm also glad that you listened to your H and tried to address each of his issues even though this doesn't seem to be acknowledged by your H yet.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Divorce is the easy way out. I have more respect for the people who try their hardest and exhaust every possible option to fix things. If it truly isn't meant to be then fine, but fight for what's yours, don't just give up and sign your past and half your property away because that's the easy and less painful thing to do.


You're right it's his marriage and he seems to have fix it from his perspective. What I should have said is that isn't a outcome I would be happy with. I wouldn't want to have to detach to get her to be interested, not all women need to fear or rejection to get them to want a healthy sex life. To each his own.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Update: 
After a very long heart to heart talk with my sister- I have become aware that I am being used as a doormat, and I am done. It's the 180 for me from here on out. I have admitted and owned up to my faults that have caused this situation: I have self reflected on them, and I have already started making the necessary changes. He does not get to control what happens because he is "confused". I've realized I'm being this meek, weak minded person that is letting him call all the shots, while I sit in here and bleed out......done. Time to show a little tough love. If he ends of leaving then I guess that means he was going to do it at some point anyway. It's hard to even type that, but, I'm worth way more than what I'm being treated like.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> Update:
> After a very long heart to heart talk with my sister- I have become aware that I am being used as a doormat, and I am done. It's the 180 for me from here on out. I have admitted and owned up to my faults that have caused this situation: I have self reflected on them, and I have already started making the necessary changes. He does not get to control what happens because he is "confused". I've realized I'm being this meek, weak minded person that is letting him call all the shots, while I sit in here and bleed out......done. Time to show a little tough love. If he ends of leaving then I guess that means he was going to do it at some point anyway. It's hard to even type that, but, I'm worth way more than what I'm being treated like.


Good for you, it's not an easy thing to do but it sounds like it's what needs to be done. From my experience in my situation the 180 has been working, I'm in the best shape I have been in about 6 years, I'm enjoying things that I love and have missed doing, doing much more with just our son and me and just generally feel 100 times better about myself. I can tell that she's seen that I'm happy, taking care of myself and my needs, and that I don't need her or rely on her for anything anymore. I say I can tell this because I have noticed a difference in her, it started off slow and very intermittent, but I have noticed a steady improvement with how she interacts with me, and it's a great feeling.

Just stay strong and try to keep on your path the best you can. If things work out that's great, if they don't you'll be a better stronger person for the next time around.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > Update:
> ...


Thank you. Unfortunately I still have to rely on him for bills, just one of his weekly checks is triple what I make in a month  but I have asked for more hours at work and contemplating getting a new job altogether. I will have to anyways if he decides he's out. 

He had brought lunch home today and began eating. I walked upstairs and saw him sitting there, staring at his taco. All I said was hi and continued doing what I was gonna do. I could see him at the corner of my eye and I turned and he was literally face planted (not all the way, but pretty close) into his Taco. I asked him if he was okay and of course he looks up and his face is broke out, his eyes are red, he's crying, etc. he continued this until he was finished eating and then laid down on the couch the remainder of the time I was home. I acted happy the entire time, told him goodbye and left for work. Such odd behavior...... I don't know at this point what the heck is going on with him. If he's this distraught over whether he loves me or not then I don't know, it seems pretty weird to me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

naturepeacelove said:


> Thank you. Unfortunately I still have to rely on him for bills, just one of his weekly checks is triple what I make in a month  but I have asked for more hours at work and contemplating getting a new job altogether. I will have to anyways if he decides he's out.
> 
> He had brought lunch home today and began eating. I walked upstairs and saw him sitting there, staring at his taco. All I said was hi and continued doing what I was gonna do. I could see him at the corner of my eye and I turned and he was literally face planted (not all the way, but pretty close) into his Taco. I asked him if he was okay and of course he looks up and his face is broke out, his eyes are red, he's crying, etc. he continued this until he was finished eating and then laid down on the couch the remainder of the time I was home. I acted happy the entire time, told him goodbye and left for work. Such odd behavior...... I don't know at this point what the heck is going on with him. If he's this distraught over whether he loves me or not then I don't know, it seems pretty weird to me.


At the end of my marriage I became distraught, maybe not to the point that I would face plant in a Taco but emotionally conflicted. I desperately wanted to divorce my wife but the thought of our marriage coming to and end and all the collateral damage that would cause was over whelming for me. I said things I didn't mean, like I would try counselling again or that I still loved her, or I could forgive her infidelities and lies. When I reflect back yes I was upset at the end of our marriage but I think some of my gestures were just for show because the reality was I couldn't push our divorce thru fast enough. 

I wounder if your husband is going thru the same thing, he may have been unhappy for years but now that the reality of possible divorce has arrived he's become a bit conflicted, or feeling guilty even, not because he still loves you (sorry) but because of the life changing event divorce is. 

OP I suggest you continue doing as you are, focus on yourself, let your husband wallow in his misery and resolve his feelings. If he continues to keep waffling you may need to step up and force his hand, either work at resolution or start the divorce proceedings. At this point I would give it no more than another month, living life in limbo sucks.


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## amberpkunkel (Mar 31, 2017)

hello everyone


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Cooper said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you. Unfortunately I still have to rely on him for bills, just one of his weekly checks is triple what I make in a month
> ...


This makes a lot of sense. I do have a feeling he's just prolonging the inevitable. He doesn't want all the upheaval of a divorce- he also says he's conflicted because he doesn't want to make the wrong decision and divorce and then regret it. I agree living in limbo sucks. I'm doing the best I can to 180 but it's really awkward when we are home together.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

naturepeacelove said:


> This makes a lot of sense. I do have a feeling he's just prolonging the inevitable. He doesn't want all the upheaval of a divorce- he also says he's conflicted because he doesn't want to make the wrong decision and divorce and then regret it. I agree living in limbo sucks. I'm doing the best I can to 180 but it's really awkward when we are home together.


I know it's tough but it's what I think you need to do, and it's better if he see's you doing it. As you said about dinner the other night, you asked him what was wrong, I know you still care about him but you can't ask him questions like that. If you see he's upset or in some kind of mood just leave it and him alone. You can do this.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > This makes a lot of sense. I do have a feeling he's just prolonging the inevitable. He doesn't want all the upheaval of a divorce- he also says he's conflicted because he doesn't want to make the wrong decision and divorce and then regret it. I agree living in limbo sucks. I'm doing the best I can to 180 but it's really awkward when we are home together.
> ...


I knew I shouldn't have said it, but my nurturing side stepped in. I didn't act sympathetic, at least, I just made sure he was physically okay. I know he senses a change in me- like I'm pulling away. he hasn't done much talking either, just sulking and crying, going straight to bed when he gets home from work. He is at counseling right now as we speak.


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