# Business partnership ruining intimate partnership???



## BrigitteKafka (Jan 14, 2010)

I'm in my mid 30s, have had way more relationships than I'd like to admit, and was ready to give up hope for intimacy w/ another human being when I met my current partner. He was the first guy who didn't seem overly concerned with labeling and over-analyzing things; in other words he didn't seem like he was afraid to just let himself be happy. We shared many common interests, and we're both very easygoing people (or _were_ - he has since changed in that respect). I was, and am, overwhelmingly, passionately attracted to him (oddly, because he's not the most attractive guy I've been with, by any stretch). From the beginning I felt comfortable with him, and showed him the geeky sides of myself that I've often kept hidden. When we'd hang out with my friends, they'd always comment afterwards that they've never seen me so happy, and that we always seem to be laughing and joking when we're together, which was true. His friends also seemed to approve of the relationship and did everything they could to make me feel welcome. 

A little less than a year into our relationship, when we had already been spending every free moment together comfortably, I got pregnant. I was afraid to tell him, because everything was going so well, but when I did he actually said he wouldn't mind having a baby with me. I had a miscarriage a week later so we never had to make that decision. He'd already told me he loved me. Soon afterwards, an opportunity presented itself for us to go into business together, and we took it. Everything just seemed to fall uncannily into place, and we needed out of our minimum wage jobs. The problem is that ever since we've taken on this responsibility, his personality has completely changed.

He's constantly starting arguments w/ me, constantly criticizing inconsequential little things I do (I have a firm belief in "don't sweat the small stuff" and picking my fights, after letting myself get impatient with lovers in the past and being very unhappy over nothing. I really don't give a s***t anymore if someone leaves the toilet seat up - why should I waste my energy?). Anyways, we stopped working in our shop during the same hours because he says he can't handle how I do things and it drives him crazy even though I get the same result, and he'd rather just not see me doing them. He insists on paying ourselves less than minimum wage for the work we do and putting any other profit back into the business, while we struggle to pay billls, and he neglects anything that is NOT related to the business. Like our house, his laundry, the dishes, our bills at home, groceries, me, etc. He says he feels better when he's working, and now looks for excuses to stay late. It's hard to get him to hang out w/ his friends anymore on our nights off; I have to be the one who's motivated to do it or it doesn't happen. 

If I do something wrong at work (he is much more experienced at what we do than I am), he gets sullen w/ me and rejects my affection. We used to be extremely physical and affectionate w/ each other, and I thought I had finally met my match in him. He seemed to need constant physicality as much as I always have, before we started the business. I was elated much of the time, and couldn't believe I had found someone who was such a good match, before he changed. Now he often ignores me or turns away when I try to touch him at night, and when I asked him last week if I was still attractive to him, he said of course I was still attractive, but that didn't mean anything - he's "not interested in physical appearance," and "all women" are attractive to him. He also said that the last time we had sex it scared him because it felt "rote," and he had only initiated it because he felt guilty for neglecting me. He said it felt weird because we hadn't been intimate beforehand, so it felt empty. A couple times he's said we "barely know each other." Once when we got in a fight he said that no one is different than anyone else, and it doesn't really matter to him who he's with.

We made up eventually (I think), but I find myself walking on eggshells w/ him. Last night I was surprised when I came home from work and started doing the dishes, and he came up behind me and put his arms around me and his head on my shoulder, then he grabbed me and danced with me to a record he put on, like we used to do every night when we got together. But then this morning he was cold again, and turned his cheek when he left for work and I tried to kiss him goodbye.

This is so hard because almost every day I still see glimpses of who he used to be, even though he pretends that person never existed. He says he's "always been high-strung" and that's why no one likes to work w/ him. He used to tell me all the time that he loved me; now he's silent when I say it, or he changes the subject. I feel like he's turned himself into a machine to try to run the business, when the business is running just fine. It's my job to do bookkeeping and take care of taxes and pay bills on time and keep expenses manageable, and I work the counter 3 days a week (which is when I do little things wrong - I'm more of a computer person than a customer service person). He schedules employees and works the counter 4 days a week and orders inventory (sometimes too much, in my opinion, but I usually cave in to him just to try to make him happy; ordering is the fun part of the job because we both love what we sell).

Anyways, when I've had problems like this in the past, w/ overly critical or suddenly unaffectionate lovers, I've started looking at other men and sometimes even taking steps to pursue them, to reassure myself. For the first time, though, I can't convince myself that I want someone else, and the thought of it makes me nauseous. I can't imagine it. I just want him back somehow, no matter how lonely I get. I can't seem to get him out of my mind and think of him only as a business partner. We took out a huge loan for this that won't be paid off for 6 years, we live together, and we've only been in business for 6 months but it's going well and I don't want to lose it -- OR him. What can I do, w/o directly talking about the relationship (which makes him angry and gives him an excuse to say things he may not mean)??? I've tried sexy clothing and spending more time on my appearance, but he just says he likes me better when I've just woken up and that I don't need make-up. I feel unattractive and alone.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Is it possible that you just don't work well together? It's a common thing and really doesn't say anything about the quality of your relationship.

Maybe he can't make the disconnect between home and work anymore. Or maybe he's NOT happy int he business, but can't back out now due to pride, etc. so he works extra hard to try and force himself to enjoy it and invest emotionally in it. 

Try to talk to him about the business relationship or the business health. Could you back out for a time to see if that improves home life? Could you take a vacation (I know most business can't do that together, especially not in the first 6 months!) and try to find that man again?


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## BrigitteKafka (Jan 14, 2010)

Thanks, Alexandra! Well, he's clearly stated several times that we "don't work well together" - I just can't seem to convince him that there's more to life than work, and that we don't have to be exactly the same to love each other. It's like seeing that I have different work habits has completely freaked him out. I don't think he's unhappy in the business at all; when I've brought up how the business often puts a wedge between us, he tells me that *I* can get out of it at any time and he'll run it himself. Alternately, he suggests that we switch roles (he knows absolutely nothing about bookkeeping or taxes -- I have to beg just to get him not to throw out all his business expense receipts, which he views as "clutter" even when they're filed away, and I have to explain basic IRS concepts to him over and over again, while he acts like I'm making them up). So, he will suggest that I take over doing everything but ordering inventory (his favorite job), which is not humanly possible for 1 person in the type and size of of business we run. We need each other, but he doesn't seem to see the value in what I do. I also do all the advertising for the business, something I have over 10 years of experience in. I admit that I'm not good at the things he does. Another thing we fight over is the fact that I've never had a driver's license. I take the bus to and from work, like I always have. He has a car but I take the bus to get groceries because he never feels like it, and I grab as much as I can carry on foot. For a while he was trying to teach me to drive, but he would get so impatient w/ me that I would get panic attacks sometimes. Then he cut me off because I was afraid to drive when I was sick and shaky, and he said he won't teach me anymore because it's all or nothing and I can't just drive when I feel like it. He's just so angry all the time. I feel completely incompetent even though things are working out fine w/ the business and we're doing better than I expected. 

In his defense, though, I do have a tendency to get defensive. I don't just take criticism if I feel it's undeserved, and I will explain my actions rather than keeping quiet, which he always refers to as "making excuses." But how can people just shut up and take it when they're being criticized and they disagree with it?? Does it make me "combative" that I respond to criticism? Does anyone else have this problem, and have you been able to get over it and remain quiet? If so, how do you not explode???


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

My husband and I couldn't work in the same office all day everyday. We do well to work together on projects (i'm a designer - he's a developer) for my freelance - but its only a few hours a day and we don't cross expertise - I can't mess up what he's doing and vice versa.

Can he hire someone else to fill your role or hire an accountant and you still do the advertising and you get an outside job that pays more and helps fill in the money issues. You'd probably both be more loving if your not living in each others pockets and fighting all day (regardless of who's fault it is...he probably thinks your somewhat to blame).


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## BrigitteKafka (Jan 14, 2010)

> Can he hire someone else to fill your role or hire an accountant and you still do the advertising and you get an outside job that pays more and helps fill in the money issues.


Thanks for your response, TNgirl. The only problem is that I don't trust him not to be self-destructive w/ the business. I'm the one who keeps his spending in check, somewhat. I'm also the one who majored in business for a couple years in college, while his expertise is more in the area of day-to-day operations as a clerk. He tends to spend w/o any regard for how much he's spending, and he always thinks he's spending less than he is until I point it out to him. And if I backed out of the things I'm doing now, they just wouldn't get done on his watch. He prioritizes the little things and I prioritize the big picture, if that makes any sense. He can't see the forest and maybe I can't see the trees. Contrary to what he thinks, we need someone looking after both. I keep thinking if I just do a good job at my parts of the job and he notices, he'll love me again, because he is so focused on work now. But nothing ever seems to be good enough. I don't see any of my friends or family anymore. On my days off I stay home, do data entry, work on the bloated, needy monster of a business website, and clean up around the house as time allows. He works on personal hobbies. He has no sympathy for my loneliness, and he used to be the sweetest man I knew.


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