# am I being overly controlling??



## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

My H and I have been married for almost two years now, and we have a darling little boy who is turning one. 

My H comes from a group of friends who are more like family to him than his own family, and they welcomed me in as soon as we started dating. As a group we do a lot of things together, something that I love and appreciate. 
It has also been common for my husband to have guys nights, multiple times a week, for hours.... 

When my husband isn't working or with them, he is at home with me and our son. And while sometimes I have to remind him to be present and engaged, he does spend time with us. 

Even though I know for sure that nothing inappropriate is going on, and even though he always asks me first, I want to tell him that it's too much. Too many nights a week. Too many hours at a time. 

I want a healthy and happy marriage, I want my husband to feel loved and welcome and secure in his own home. I also want to feel like we're the priority. I just don't know what a healthy balance looks like.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I'm not any expert on good boundaries. And I do believe that it's important for couples to spend time without each other. But multiple times a week seems a bit much in my book. That puts too much burden on you to raise your child. 
So I don't actually think you are being too controlling. And I do think you need to talk to him. 

I think if it were me, he should get one night every week or two and then any other events should be something he can take his wife and son too. If it's not appropriate for his son, then he should stay home. Perhaps others will have different opinions.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Do you get multiple girls nights out? Bet not. 

Tell him it's too much. He is a husband and father. While that does not mean he's stuck at home, multiple nights out is unfair and inconsiderate of you.


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## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

His argument for the girls night out thing is this: if I wanted to go out he'd be perfectly okay with that. And on the nights that I do go out he's fully supportive. 
My issue is that when we got married I was fairly new to the area and didn't have friends of my own. Now his buddies wives are my friends but they're busy a lot with they're own families. 
Because he's so understanding I feel like it's not fair of me to say "because I don't have friends you shouldn't either".
Also, he hangs out with his buddies when he's stressed, which I get, because they know him better and have batter ways of helping him than my "let's talk it out" approach. Trying to explain to him that when he leaves he's taking my opportunity to learn how to help him away, doesn't work because in his mind "we'll get there someday".


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## 15_Days_at_a_time (Jul 19, 2015)

As his wife you should be his best friend. Of course when you two have disagreements he needs other places to vent, he needs man time, and to still be able to enjoy his friends. Being gone multiple nights a week would not be ok with me. You two are suppose to have a life together...not your life and his life meet in the middle. Do the other men go out as much? All of them together? If so what do the other wives have to say? 

Also having a child at home requires hands on raising by both parents if possible. In my opinion he should be there for evening and nightly routines. Going out 1-2 times a week at most if it works for you two. (Most ALL of our married friends etc only go out without their spouse about once a month maybe.) 

This would be an issue with me.


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## Splashpaddad (Jul 19, 2015)

My personal opinion, family comes first. That weekly thing needs to be once a month.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old is he? He sounds 15.


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## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

I haven't actually thought about asking the wives how they feel about it. Now I wonder what they would say. All the guys are included in the hangout sessions so I guess I just assumed the wives were fine with it. Which, I'm sure you can see, added to my thinking that maybe I was overreacting. 
I say that, there is one wife who actively tells her husband he can't go out with the guys so often and the guys will openly tease the husband about "being wifed". 
Thank you, it's comforting to know I'm not being crazy. But I'm still at a loss as to how to handle it. Since it's been such a fixture in his group of friends I feel like I won't be able to break it without some major resentment. It feels like something he'll have to decide he wants on his own and I'll have to just wait it out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give some more info?

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been married?

Are you a SAHM (stay at home mom), or do you also have a job outside the home?

How many times a week on average, and hours a week on average does your husband spend with his friends?

Where do the friends hang out? At someone's home? At a bar? Where?

How often do you go out with your friends?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are a couple of books that I think will help you get the answer to your questions about how much of this is too much and how to talk to him about it. Read them in the order I'm listing them. Then talk to him. It would be good if you could get him to read them too... but you need to read them first

"Love Busters"

"His Needs, Her Needs'


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ahakes,

Your 'tone' is excellent, as it's clear you are as concerned with your husbands wants and needs as your own. 

Let me offer a couple observations based on 25 years of happy marriage. 

I happily spend most of my free time with M2 because she is:
- A happy, playful person who is fun to be around
- While this may sound like a strange way to frame it: She's good at 'me'. And I'm good at 'her'. She knows how I like to be touched, and is a high touch person. All true in reverse. 
- We have a telepathy-lite thing going on, it's delightful but not intrusive. 
- We are both good at being supportive when the other is tense or sad. And also comfortable asking for/granting a little alone time when we want to deal with the occasional dark cloud by ourselves.
- When she has a tough day, we talk about that. I give her my undivided attention and am supportive. Usually, after 10-20 minutes she's done venting and slowly slides back into happy / playful mode. 

And we've always had a good to great sex life which is a big amplifier to all the stuff above. 

So perhaps a way for you to begin approaching this might be to ask yourself a few questions: 
- When he is home, how engaged is he with you and/or your child?
- Is there a way to increase his engagement level and our the amount of positive interaction happening between the 2-3 of you?

And now a brief quantitative exercise. If he has a 'normal' job, and a normal commute, he's working about 50 hours a week. Sleep and basic maintenance (showers, etc.) are maybe another 55 hours. That leaves about 60 or so hours of 'free' time. 

If he's spending 8 hours a week with friends - that means almost 90% of his free/non work time is focused on family stuff. 

If he is highly engaged and happy during much of that family time, 
than you have a good marriage. 

As for the suggestion someone made that he should be limited to once a month, I can only say this: That means asking/demanding he spend close to 98% of his free time with family. Thaf doesn't sound healthy to me. 

While I delight in being M2's highest priority, I have no desire to be her only priority. And the same is true in reverse. 





ahakes said:


> I haven't actually thought about asking the wives how they feel about it. Now I wonder what they would say. All the guys are included in the hangout sessions so I guess I just assumed the wives were fine with it. Which, I'm sure you can see, added to my thinking that maybe I was overreacting.
> I say that, there is one wife who actively tells her husband he can't go out with the guys so often and the guys will openly tease the husband about "being wifed".
> Thank you, it's comforting to know I'm not being crazy. But I'm still at a loss as to how to handle it. Since it's been such a fixture in his group of friends I feel like I won't be able to break it without some major resentment. It feels like something he'll have to decide he wants on his own and I'll have to just wait it out.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think a good rule of thumb is that if he's spending more kid-free time with his buddies than he is with you (i.e. dates), it's too much. You're his priority. This applies for the other men/wives in the group, too. This is especially going to be the case when you add another child (or more) to the mix.....having 2 kids isn't twice as hard as one. It's ten times harder .


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> *I think a good rule of thumb is that if he's spending more kid-free time with his buddies than he is with you (i.e. dates), it's too much*. You're his priority. This applies for the other men/wives in the group, too. This is especially going to be the case when you add another child (or more) to the mix.....having 2 kids isn't twice as hard as one. It's ten times harder .


I think that's a great standard


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I do too, and I'm betting they don't spend that much kid free time together. If he is out MULTIPLE nights a week with his buddies, and was out on date nights another multiple times a week with his wife, that pretty much takes care of the entire week!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ahakes said:


> My H and I have been married for almost two years now, and we have a darling little boy who is turning one.
> 
> My H comes from a group of friends who are more like family to him than his own family, and they welcomed me in as soon as we started dating. As a group we do a lot of things together, something that I love and appreciate.
> It has also been common for my husband to have guys nights, multiple times a week, for hours....
> ...


A healthy balance looks like both partners trying to meet each other's needs. In order for that to happen though you have to communicate that you think he needs to go out with the guys less often. The biggest mistake we all seem to make is seeing things too black and white. Make sure he hears what you're actually saying which is a shade of grey; a shade of compromise.


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## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Can you give some more info?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...


Here's some more informations: I'm 22 and he's 25, so we're relatively young couples and we've also only been married for two years. To add to that we only dated for 7 or so months, so there's still a lot of learning that's being done about each other.

I'm a stay at home mom, and he works a very physical job installing carpet. 

At most he spends 3 days a week with his friends. Using this week as an example, he spent Monday night at their place for about 6-7 hours. Then he invited them over to ours on Wednesday (which I don't mind, we all get along very well) and they stayed for 4 or so hours. Then last night he went over to his friends again for 7 hours. 

I go out with my friends three times a month, for a couple hours at a time. The wives in this group of friends all have a monthly girls night out once a month, and then I go to a writing group with some friends once every other week. Every now and then he watches our son so I can go get some writing done on my own, and is overall really supportive of anytime that I do go out, but I always keep it at around 2 hours. That's what I'm comfortable with- I start missing my husband and my baby, haha.


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## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

As for the rest of the advice and thoughts, thank you I think it has helped give me some direction. I think that seeing the numbers makes sense, and I'd be okay with 90% of his time, heck i would even be okay with 60 or 70% if he was home and being present. I also know that he is a numbers man, and reasonable and if I presented him our numbers then maybe it would help him see what I was talking about and what exactly my needs were. 

Also maybe what this comes down to is that I would really love having some time with him with out our son around. If I initiate more date nights, perhaps even his nights out would be so lonely for me. 

Both of those things seem like pretty options to me, we'll see if they help.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think for every couple it's different.. if you are a TIME/ touch person.. your craving for a little more of his time would make sense, unless you are just too busy yourself ..... It sounds he has a lifestyle habit of hanging out with the boys...some habits die hard you might say..... it should subside more so as you settle into marriage, priorities coming more into focus -to be that family man.. but here you are.. one is perfectly happy with things as they are.. his 2- 3 nights .. and you are feeling left out - alone with your son..

In my opinion.. it's too much.. I'd feel as you do on this... it's great to have a husband who loves to come home to his wife & just hang out with her & the kids.. this is pretty much what I married.. but I'm the same way.. on his days off.. all my GF's know.. this is our time.. we've never had the slightest argument on this.. if anything.. we prefer couple friends a lot... if he has some guys over here .. I might hang out with them.. we're pretty open like that.. 

In "His Needs, Her needs"... a good rule of thumb is *at least 15 hours a week* .....

Here is an article on this..

How Much Time Should You Spend Together A Week? - Real Married Life



> I came across an interesting opinion on the matter in a book titled His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage. The author Dr. Willard Harley found a common thread in successful relationships. And it all had to do with time.
> 
> 
> "I studied couples who were dating, couples who had maintained romantic love while married, and couples having affairs. In all of these cases, I found that those who maintained their love for each other scheduled time to be together almost every day. While their daily time together varied, the time they spend each week was almost always over fifteen hours. During that time they had each other’s undivided attention, and they used most of it to engage in intimate conversation.
> ...


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## ahakes (Jul 19, 2015)

I just read the description for His Needs, Her Needs. I'll have to read the book, it sounds spot on, but that brings up what I think is the unspoken second part of why this is such a tender subject for me. I often feel like, if I was he friend he needed or fulfilling his needs he wouldn't want to spend so much time away. I will ask him what I can do better and he always answers the same way "you are the best wife I could have ever asked for, you don't need to change anything." Sweet, but not very helpful. Maybe some of you husbands out there have an idea of the things your wives do for you that make her you best friend and partner?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I think the one thing you need to change, is your willingness to express your feelings. If you haven't talked to him about it, then he might be clueless. You need to tell him how you feel. 

Now if you do tell him, and he still does it, well that's a different story.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ahakes said:


> I just read the description for His Needs, Her Needs. I'll have to read the book, it sounds spot on, but that brings up what I think is the unspoken second part of why this is such a tender subject for me. I often feel like, if I was he friend he needed or fulfilling his needs he wouldn't want to spend so much time away. I will ask him what I can do better and he always answers the same way "you are the best wife I could have ever asked for, you don't need to change anything." Sweet, but not very helpful. Maybe some of you husbands out there have an idea of the things your wives do for you that make her you best friend and partner?


Once you read the book, you'll see that it wants you to fill out questionnaires, both of you, that will provide you both with valuable information about each other - what you want and need, as well as what you do that upsets the other person (so you can stop doing it), or Love Busters. I'd go ahead and read the book before I do the questionnaires, though.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Positive 1-1 time has a powerful bonding effect. 

Ideally that time is spent with real interaction - not TV/movie watching. 

Mental activities - card or board games 
Physical activities
- Walking 
- Sports
- Wrestling (if he's coordinated and you have an area without sharp / fragile objects)

While a numeric conversation about hours spent with you vs. friends is perfectly valid, it is similar to a high (sex) drive partner requesting a certain weekly frequency for sex. 

Similar because a positive outcome requires creating an environment where both of you enjoy the activity in question. 




=ahakes;13157097]As for the rest of the advice and thoughts, thank you I think it has helped give me some direction. I think that seeing the numbers makes sense, and I'd be okay with 90% of his time, heck i would even be okay with 60 or 70% if he was home and being present. I also know that he is a numbers man, and reasonable and if I presented him our numbers then maybe it would help him see what I was talking about and what exactly my needs were. 

Also maybe what this comes down to is that I would really love having some time with him with out our son around. If I initiate more date nights, perhaps even his nights out would be so lonely for me. 

Both of those things seem like pretty options to me, we'll see if they help.[/QUOTE]


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

You can go to the marriagebuilder's site and download some of the questionairres for free. They come from the books mentioned. You and your hubby should be each others favorite person to be with. Do fun things together. Say "How would you feel about going to <whatever> with me and cutting down on your time with your friends." 

I've been with my man for 25 years, and he is the person I want to do things with. I think that your man is just used to being with his friends a lot and may need to adjust to married life. Good luck!


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