# What is going on here ?!?! clarifications pls!!



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Nearly 2 weeks ago my husband of 6 years announced that he wasn't happy and thought he needed some alone time. He mentioned that he will always love me as the mother of his children (they are 3 and 1) but he wasn't sure if he actually loved me "that way" anymore. I was in agreement that our marriage was struggling, but made it clear that separation wouldn't be my choice. He agreed, slightly reluctantly, to think about whether or not it was worth it to try and save the marriage. He has a job that keeps him away from the house for 12 hours or more every day- this was one of our problems. We never see each othrr, and so working out problems becomes quite a challenge.

Even though I'm sad and this isn't what I want, I kind of realized that living in this limbo where all the decision is in his hands (and he was not enthused about the prospect of working on anything) wasn't fair to me. So i reluctantly told him that I would consent to the separation. We discussed money, what we would do with the kids, where he was going to go (his mom's) and all very amicably.

Flash forward two weeks later and he hasn't gone. He has made no move to pack things or arrange finances....we are getting along tremendously, joking together and having nice chats. He texts me occasionally from work just to see how we are. But then he'll say things like "so which of your friends have you told about what's going on?". His words indicate that the separation is still on, but his actions don't indicate that. He is flirty and affectionate with me at home and it feels almost like we are our normal selves...the other day he tried to kiss me on the lips and I jokingly pushed him away saying "hey hey I thought you didn't love me like that anymore!!" and he got quite upset and said "I said i wasn't sure! I just don't know what I want!" Which is NOT how things were presented to me two weeks ago...then he seemed pretty sure that things were a done deal and he was leaving.

Help me, please. What is he DOING? I've read up on the 180 and have been implementing a lot of those techniques....has it made him unsure of the separation now? Or is he playing some game with me?


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Look for the possibility of another woman


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

my opinion i think there is another woman and he is just buying his time until his plan A works out and if it doesnt you are plan B thats why he hasnt moved out..just my .02 cents


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Your 180 baby steps are likely causing him to reach out to you.

I agree that you need to do some sleuthing to determine if there is someone else (OW) in the picture. 

I know you don't want him to move out, but have you _asked him_ what his plans are in that regard?


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Unless he owns his own business or is an executive in a high-salary position he shouldn't be working 12 hr/days for long. Not unless he's making a [email protected] of overtime. How long has he had this 12 hr schedule?

Oh, IMO, there is definitely someone else in the picture. But that someone is stringing him along - much like he is you. Probably a married OW.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

I was suspicious of another woman and I still probably am. I have done some sleuthing and come up with nothing and he isn't doing anything that would make me suspect...doesn't mean there isn't anything.

All he can really tell me is that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants!! He says he isn't thinking of divorce and doesn't intend to be away for a long period of time- IF he ever leaves!! If I ask why he feels he needs to go he just says he needs time on his own to sort things out. He says we don't "click" anymore and he is unsure of his feelings for me, yet acts happy with me and initiates affection. So I am at a loss.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

He's the head chef at a new restaurant, he has always kept strange hours. They've only been open a week and he is feeling a lot of pressure to succeed at the job, he leaves at 7 or 8 in the mornings and gets home around midnight...I am not trying to excuse it, he could very well be having an affair, but those types of hours are very common for chefs, which is why divorce is so common for chefs as well.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is he working 12 hour days. It's almost impossible to keep up the passion in a marriage when you cannot spend any time together. 

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, to maintain the passion in their relationship.

Look at the links below for building a passionate marriage. This material could help you rebuild your marriage.


----------



## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Call the restaurant late one night, come up with some silly excuse such as "can you pick up diapers on the way home".

See if he's there.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

One of my brothers owned and operated three restaurants. Not the chef, but he did put in long hours. Still there were plenty of times - even with three sit-down restaurants (lunch & supper) that he found several hours during down times to be with his family - a couple of hours after 2pm to about 4:30 pm then after 8pm to about 10 pm. 

He can't be cooking (food that is) the whole 12 hrs unless he is the dishwasher too.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Agreed, his job has always been a source of conflict between us. We have two very young children and only have of hours to connect, so we go days sometimes without really seeing each other. He says things will calm down a lot in a few months once his restaurant is established but that right now he has to give 200%. 

One day last week when I was very suspicious I did call and he was there....could just be a fluke.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

He isn't working super close to home, so he does get downtime but not enough to have time to come home in between. At least not yet. This is one of our biggest issues. But I mean, he does have friends there so I'm sure if nothing else he is having more fun there while working than at home with screaming kids and nagging wife.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately I agree with the others who are suggesting there may be someone else in the picture. That's how my estranged husband behaved. You may want to consider marriage counseling before he does take the big "leap".


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

No that is OK, I want honest answers...I have never been through this before and don't know anyone who is separated/divorced (yet) so I'm kind of in the dark here.
So why hasn't he chosen the other woman yet? I sort of assumed if there was an OW involved he must be wanting to leave me for her...but he hasn't yet. Is this something they do? He even tried to initiate sex the other night I believe, I would not have guessed he would want sex with me if he was getting it regularly from a new fling!! At what point in time might he make a definitive move to leave me (if ever)? My feeling was that I was trying to give him space to decide what to do, since he was the one who wanted to go. I made it clear that I was against the separation so I don't want to kick him out, because I WOULD like to work things out.....but I don't want to be a chump, either.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Again, because my brother owned several restaurants (he gave them up because of the huge hassle/$/time ratio was not favorable) I know that there are MANY opportunities with wait staff, flirty regulars, vendors etc. The opportunities are endless for anyone that has even a passing desire. 

That DOES NOT mean your H is cheating - only that that opportunities are very available in his industry. If he is cheating it may well be with a married staff member, or one in a semi-committed relationship. Off/on type thing. 

Perhaps someone wanting him to show commitment - thus the slow fade. Do you keep track of the family's finances? Have you noticed dwindling funds? Suddenly new passwords for the phone/computer? New clothes? New hygiene ie colognes, workouts?


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

No honestly, none of that. I've been keeping a close eye out for all of those "warning signs" and truly there is nothing of that sort. He leaves for work in his chef uniform and comes home in it....and after 12+ hours in a sweaty kitchen he does not smell fabulous when he gets home and that is still the case. If he is sneaking off for sex with someone after his shift then she must be wearing nose plugs.

I was less convinced about a sexual affair than I was about EA. I thought maybe someone had just caught his eye...but I don't want to be naive. Is there a chance to get him back from someone else or is that usually a done deal? Our marriage has really deteriorated the last little while and I take a lot of responsibility for that. I have been trying to change my ways, would that make a difference even with an OW in the picture in any capacity?


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*MrsG:*

Having been in the restaurant/bar/club business almost 30 years, I know the hours involved (especially in a start-up), so the hours he is working are not out of line.

If you're pretty sure there is no OW, his behavior could be partly due the stress of the start-up, and I also wouldn't discount what you mentioned earlier about coming home to screaming kids and a nagging wife after having put in 12 or more hours in a stress-filled environment. 

Since you've initiated a soft 180, I can see that could be prompting him to reach out to you. You know, it is human nature to want something we can't have. Your distancing yourself from him could be making him think twice about actually leaving and losing you.

You two need to have some serious, heart to heart discussions before one or both of you get bitter and do or say something you'll regret. Appears he is not going to initiate, so you're gonna have to do it. It's tough stuff, but you want, need, and deserve answers. So get cracking.


----------



## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Thank you, I am hopeful you are right. I am trying to be realistic about an affair but I was warned two months ago by one of the VIPs for the restaurant corporation that starting in January I would probably never see my husband for a while-- so I should probably stop stressing about the hours he is working as a sign of an OW. That's probably not the most concrete evidence. And he has mentioned multiple times that he is feeling a lot of pressure to succeed at this job. In the 9 years we gave been together it is the best position with the best pay he has had, I understand the stress he must be under.

I am seeing a counsellor who also suggested a heart-to-heart with my H.


----------

