# Hi. I’m trying something new.



## Green Shoelaces

My marriage is in a very bad place and I don’t know where to turn. Hoping to find some support.


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## Marduk

Glad to help. Need to know some details though.


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## Green Shoelaces

I’ve had a variety of issues in my marriage and lately I’m contemplating divorce. I do love my husband and would prefer to stay married. We have a seven month old and I stay home with him. My husband has just become increasingly apathetic towards making our relationship good and honestly is just downright mean and hateful every time we interact. He might act nicer again for a day or so and seems like he cares about my feelings but always goes back to being ****ty again like right away. The tone of voice and attitude he has always make me feel terrible when I speak to him. Now we barely speak. I wish I could easily leave him but that’s not really the case. Tho my true wish would be that he treated me better.


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## NextTimeAround

He sounds depressed. Is he worried about financial issues?


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## EleGirl

Green Shoelaces said:


> I’ve had a variety of issues in my marriage and lately I’m contemplating divorce. I do love my husband and would prefer to stay married. We have a seven month old and I stay home with him. My husband has just become increasingly apathetic towards making our relationship good and honestly is just downright mean and hateful every time we interact. He might act nicer again for a day or so and seems like he cares about my feelings but always goes back to being ****ty again like right away. The tone of voice and attitude he has always make me feel terrible when I speak to him. Now we barely speak. I wish I could easily leave him but that’s not really the case. Tho my true wish would be that he treated me better.


When did he start acting this way?

How does he spend his time when he's not at work? Does he hang around the house? Or does he go out a lot?


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## She'sStillGotIt

NextTimeAround said:


> He sounds depressed. Is he worried about financial issues?


Everyone's 'depressed' right now due to the ****ty economy, businesses closing, 401ks going down the toilet, and having our usual routines turned upside down.

Apparently, the OP's husband is *so* rotten in his treatment toward her that she's constantly walking on eggshells and says she wants to leave him.

Depression sure as hell isn't MY first guess for why the OP is being treated like a distant 3rd cousin who owes the guy money. I suspect he's treating her this way because his 'affections' have been directed elsewhere. Some people who are having affairs will purposely treat their spouses horribly due to the guilt they're feeling (sounds crazy, I know). Others will treat their spouses badly in order to collaborate the narrative in their heads that their marriage is so 'horrible' all the time that they're _justified_ for doing what they're doing.

Honestly, if I were the OP, I'd start digging.


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## Green Shoelaces

NextTimeAround said:


> He sounds depressed. Is he worried about financial issues?


I


NextTimeAround said:


> He sounds depressed. Is he worried about financial issues?


 I’m not sure if he’s specifically worried about $ but he usually is a little bit. But it could be some depression that’s not been dealt with. I’ll try to talk to him about it.


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## Green Shoelaces

W


EleGirl said:


> When did he start acting this way?
> 
> How does he spend his time when he's not at work? Does he hang around the house? Or does he go out a lot?


 he pretty much goes to work, goes to school and spends time at home with our son. We haven’t really been going anywhere since this whole coronavirus thing. I’m sure he’s feeling antsy and anxious about not being able to get out to do more.


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## EleGirl

Green Shoelaces said:


> W
> 
> he pretty much goes to work, goes to school and spends time at home with our son. We haven’t really been going anywhere since this whole coronavirus thing. I’m sure he’s feeling antsy and anxious about not being able to get out to do more.


Is he currently going to work and school right now during the shutdown? Or is he home all the time now? If he's home all the time is he working from home and doing school work from home?

Is he doing any sort of exercise, like going out for walks?

It does sound like he might be dealing with some depression. But that does not excuse him for mistreating you. That's not ok.


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## Green Shoelaces

EleGirl said:


> Is he currently going to work and school right now during the shutdown? Or is he home all the time now? If he's home all the time is he working from home and doing school work from home?
> 
> Is he doing any sort of exercise, like going out for walks?
> 
> It does sound like he might be dealing with some depression. But that does not excuse him for mistreating you. That's not ok.


He has to leave the house for work but been doing school from home. Doesn’t do much else lately. Free time has been limited. I try to encourage him to take walks with our son but he doesn’t usually do so.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like your husband's abusive behavior per dates the covid19 shutdown and has perhaps become worse since. Is that right? 

Did it start when you were pregnant or after the birth of your baby?

The only person you can change is yourself. So I suggest that's where you start. Do you go out for walks, perhaps walks with your son? What is your social life like?

If you start taking better care of yourself and build your own self esteem, your husband will have to adjust. It's his choice how he changes to adjust but hopefully you will inspire him to become a better version of himself.


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## Green Shoelaces

I do take my son out for walks but social life isn’t much these days bc we have been practicing social distancing. I’ll definitely keep focusing on bettering myself and hope he follows my lead.


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## EleGirl

There is a book that is very helpful in this sort of circumstance: *Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again** by Michele Weiner-Davis*

This author has several books on the topic. She also has YouTube videos that might help you. When you read the book, pay special attention to the chapter on how to change your environment. It's not about redecorating the house , it's about making changes in yourself that change the relationship.

And of course you can post here and get help from all of us on TAM.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Maybe it's time to have the clear talk with H, that you don't deserve or appreciate the hateful and apathetic behavior from him, and you indeed won't stay in a relationship where you get treated so.

If he agrees and says let's separate then he's likely seeing someone on the side. If he wakes up, he may see that he needs to do better.

Both start from a clear, short, you telling him this. Not a discussion mind you but at least clearly tell him the situation. 

If there's more to all this, perhaps it will come out, as he ponders what you've said.

He may feel similarly. You have to be prepared for all outcomes. That's one of the hard parts.

If all the info you've shared is the sum total perhaps he's just become self centered a bit and not thought of the long term damages his actions are causing.


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## Green Shoelaces

EleGirl said:


> There is a book that is very helpful in this sort of circumstance: *Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again** by Michele Weiner-Davis*
> 
> This author has several books on the topic. She also has YouTube videos that might help you. When you read the book, pay special attention to the chapter on how to change your environment. It's not about redecorating the house , it's about making changes in yourself that change the relationship.
> 
> And of course you can post here and get help from all of us on TAM.


Thanks I’m going to look into that


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## Green Shoelaces

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Maybe it's time to have the clear talk with H, that you don't deserve or appreciate the hateful and apathetic behavior from him, and you indeed won't stay in a relationship where you get treated so.
> 
> If he agrees and says let's separate then he's likely seeing someone on the side. If he wakes up, he may see that he needs to do better.
> 
> Both start from a clear, short, you telling him this. Not a discussion mind you but at least clearly tell him the situation.
> 
> If there's more to all this, perhaps it will come out, as he ponders what you've said.
> 
> He may feel similarly. You have to be prepared for all outcomes. That's one of the hard parts.
> 
> If all the info you've shared is the sum total perhaps he's just become self centered a bit and not thought of the long term damages his actions are causing.


I swear I’ve tried and he acts like he gets it and then goes back to being the same. So I’m beyond frustrated.


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## EleGirl

Green Shoelaces said:


> I swear I’ve tried and he acts like he gets it and then goes back to being the same. So I’m beyond frustrated.


Does he acknowledge that he's acting badly towards you?


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## Green Shoelaces

He will like after a few days and he’s in a good mood he will say he’s sorry and knows he shouldn’t have acted that way.


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## EleGirl

Green Shoelaces said:


> He will like after a few days and he’s in a good mood he will say he’s sorry and knows he shouldn’t have acted that way.


You said that when he speaks harshly at you, it makes feel terrible. What do you mean by that? Do you feel terrible just because it's a pain to live with such a negative person? Do you feel terrible because it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you? Could you clarify?


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## Arkansas

This is your marriage. 

Work hard to save it, or don't. That's all YOU can do. How your husband reacts is up to him, right?

If I had to guess, you and he do not communicate well. He doesn't really know where you're coming from and you don't really know what's going on in his mind. You don't spend quality time together. 

Gotta figure out a way to do both - try if you want to save your marriage. That trying is yours to do - he will respond or not but as long as you do all you can, that's all you can do right ?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

EleGirl said:


> You said that when he speaks harshly at you, it makes feel terrible. What do you mean by that? Do you feel terrible just because it's a pain to live with such a negative person? Do you feel terrible because it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you? Could you clarify?


This is a great response, good couple of questions. 

There's:
1. Ignorant harsh and negativity which also shouldn't be tolerated, and then there's 

2. Purposeful harsh rudeness and negativity and again not tolerated, period. 

Another question, which circumstance, 1 or 2, do you think H is coming from?

Neither is acceptable however a difference or so may be, if 1, perhaps there's a better chance to address and get it behind you as a couple.

If 2, that's a horse of a different color. That may be hard to get past, and if H doesn't prostrate himself, make permanent absolute improvements has a shorter road to yes, need to leave H quickly. 

Good luck!


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## Yeswecan

Don't be your H doormat. Tell him you will no longer tolerate his outburst and you are not his whipping post. Advise he needs to make lasting changes. You will not accept the sorry plea and a change for 2 days then revert back to how he speaks to you.


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## jlg07

Did you ever RECORD him and what he says to you? You should. Then, later, play that back for him and SHOW him how awful he is being to you. Maybe that will wake him up a bit...


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## She'sStillGotIt

Yeswecan said:


> Don't be your H doormat. Tell him you will no longer tolerate his outburst and you are not his whipping post. Advise he needs to make lasting changes. You will not accept the sorry plea and a change for 2 days then revert back to how he speaks to you.


But she pretty much IS a welcome mat because she DOS allow it over and over and over over and over....


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