# Husband won't change



## katiecrna

First off, I'm sorry I know I post a lot about my marriage but I need advice. Two things to know: my husband is passive aggressive, and he is a resident who works a ton and is sleep deprived.

Our marriage has been in trouble for about a year. I am very unhappy, he is fine with it, except he hates that I'm unhappy. My complaints are that I don't like how he treats me, he treats me like we are roommates and I feel like he has a lack of respect and love for me. He disagrees, he says he loves me and blah blah blah. (His actions and words don't match up). We don't spend a lot of time together, because we are so busy. So I have been stressing to him that the time we actually get to spend with each other should be quality time, even if it's just us sitting watching tv at the end of the day. He agrees. The problem is I complain about certain things and tell him what he does I don't like, how it makes me feel, and what I wish he could do. Examples.... He is always on his phone. It drives me nuts. I get that he needs to check in with work but it's often him looking up soccer scores. I usually don't say anything Bc I don't want to be a nag, but when I start telling him a story and he goes on his phone it pisses me off Bc I know he's not listening to me. I told him, I wish that you would stop me, and say... Hang out for a second I need to take this. That was my request. He doesn't do it. Then I realize that when I text him and he's next to me, the volume is off. I think that's stretchy. I told him I want him to turn the volume up for now on. I mean he hasn't cheated on me but I have trust issues and I find it weird that he is always texting on his phone, like all the time. He said he will turn it up, but he hasn't. I called him out again, and he will turn it up for a night, then the next day it will be off because "he forgot". So anyway, I have complained a lot about this, spending time when he comes home without him on his cell phone, proper cell phone etiquette, and turning the ringer on.... He hasn't done anything I asked. I can keep asking him but nothing changes. 

I tell him I don't want this parent child relationship where i have to tell him what to do all the time but he doesn't give me any choice. Another thing.... I use to initiate all the time. He has stopped initiating... Well I lied, when he wants sex he says... "Do you want to have sex?" I have told him so many times that I need more than that, that I need him to actually touch me and kiss me and try to sleep with me not just ask me. He hasn't done that. We haven't had sex in probably 2 months. 

I tell telling him I'm unhappy. Yesterday I told him that his actions don't match his words and I've realized that nothing will change. And that we are roommates and not husband and wife. It's like he doesn't care how I feel or what I say. Nothing changes. He doesn't put in any effort to try to change. He refuses therapy, he says he is trying his best to make me happy (even though literally nothing changed). I asked him what he expects me to do? When I'm unhappy and he doesn't change. His answer was to realize that our marriage isn't that bad. Ahh!! So frustrating. It's annoying because this behavior isn't really divorce worthy, but I don't know what to do....


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## EllisRedding

katiecrna said:


> His answer was to realize that our marriage isn't that bad. Ahh!! So frustrating. *It's annoying because this behavior isn't really divorce worthy*, but I don't know what to do....


Says who? I am not advocating divorce but from what you are saying, you have needs that your H is not meeting nor is he willing to make an effort to work on, to make you a priority. Does that sound correct? If things don't change, if he doesn't change, over time what do you think that will do to your marriage?


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## katiecrna

EllisRedding said:


> Says who? I am not advocating divorce but from what you are saying, you have needs that your H is not meeting nor is he willing to make an effort to work on, to make you a priority. Does that sound correct? If things don't change, if he doesn't change, over time what do you think that will do to your marriage?




I know. I agree. It's so frustrating because when I talk to him about it he tells me how much he loves me, and how much he is trying so hard. Then he's like I'm not a bad guy, I love you so much, our marriage isn't that bad is it? I get that he works hard but I'm not asking that much. I'm Christian... I really don't believe in divorce unless it's over something huge like big.


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## katiecrna

Even if I wanted to try a separation we can't because we can't afford to get another apartment. We are both working so hard, I'm in school full time and he doesn't make much as a resident.


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## EllisRedding

katiecrna said:


> I know. I agree. It's so frustrating because when I talk to him about it he tells me how much he loves me, and how much he is trying so hard. Then he's like I'm not a bad guy, I love you so much, our marriage isn't that bad is it? I get that he works hard but I'm not asking that much. I'm Christian... I really don't believe in divorce unless it's over something huge like big.


It is tough, unfortunately actions speak louder than words, and it sounds like right now he is just words. If I recall from your previous thread, there was that talk about MC. So he has outright refused this?

I can definitely understand about divorce as that is something I am strongly against (at least in my own case although it is not a concern). On the other hand though, how much longer are you willing to be in what sounds like an unhappy marriage where your partner is unwilling to help make things better?


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## katiecrna

EllisRedding said:


> It is tough, unfortunately actions speak louder than words, and it sounds like right now he is just words. If I recall from your previous thread, there was that talk about MC. So he has outright refused this?
> 
> 
> 
> I can definitely understand about divorce as that is something I am strongly against (at least in my own case although it is not a concern). On the other hand though, how much longer are you willing to be in what sounds like an unhappy marriage where your partner is unwilling to help make things better?




I'll ask about MC again. I don't know... The more I talk to him the more he is leaving me with no choice.


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## Síocháin

@katiecrna If you don't believe in divorce you will just have to learn how to live like this. He is not going to change because you want him to. He has to understand his part in this & work with you. You can't fix this by yourself. Don't be like me & wait 20 plus years hoping that one day things will change. His actions show you who he is & how he feels. I'm sorry. I know what you're going through.


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## Nix2

It sounds to me that you have two choices, possibly 3:

1) Accept him for who he is and come to terms with your differences. Adjust your expectations for what marriage will be with this person;

Or 


2) Divorce him and find someone else who is more compatible with you.


Or, less likely:

3) Have a heart to heart with your H and see if he is willing to try an open marriage so you can get your sexual needs met, with his permission, from other men.

I don't suggest 3 as it is a lot messier than it sounds and usually the spouse requesting the open M leaves anyway.


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## MrsAldi

Hey Katie, 
I'm sorry you're going through this. 
I know you guys work in incredibly difficult jobs. 

So would your husband be interested in getting outdoors on days off to do an activity? 
This might get him off the phone & you guys bonding together more. 

Sometimes when my husband comes home, I can be very chatty and he'll just want quiet time, so I usually leave him alone & find he'll come looking for a chat later. But I'm not sure if it'll work for you guys?
I try have positive conversations with him, so that he associates me with happy energy. 

Negativity can drive anybody away, think if you had a friend who was always moaning, would you listen to them? So changing/having a different tone in talking can do wonders for communication in Marriage. 

The sex initates situation is a tricky one, if it was me, I would invest time in having a light & easygoing conversation with my husband about more foreplay. Easier said than done but it's the only way in getting what you want. I'm still working on our intimacy issues. Talking is a massive help. 

Does it offend you the way he asks? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna

I don't understand why he is ok with such a crappy marriage. That's what bothers me the most. Why is he settling for a no passion, roommate marriage.


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## Blondilocks

From everything I've heard, being a resident is hell on wheels. How much longer before he's out of that role? Maybe you can give him some leeway in the meantime. Maybe he can put the phone down for at least 1 hour so you can feel like he is really present with you. Ask him in what way he thinks he is trying so hard.


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## EllisRedding

katiecrna said:


> I don't understand why he is ok with such a crappy marriage. That's what bothers me the most. Why is he settling for a no passion, roommate marriage.


Complacency / comfort.


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## katiecrna

Blondilocks said:


> From everything I've heard, being a resident is hell on wheels. How much longer before he's out of that role? Maybe you can give him some leeway in the meantime. Maybe he can put the phone down for at least 1 hour so you can feel like he is really present with you. Ask him in what way he thinks he is trying so hard.




I agree with how hard residency is but I'm not asking too much. Just basic respect. He has one year of residency left and then a year of fellowship. I would love him to put him phone away for an hour, I wish I didn't have to tell him to do that. When I ask him what he has has done to change he gets offended and tells me that's so hurtful for me to ask. Then he says I'm not a bad guy. (This is what he does when he can't answer the question, this is the passive aggressive side of him, he switches the subject so he doesn't have to answer the question).


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## katiecrna

MrsAldi said:


> Hey Katie,
> I'm sorry you're going through this.
> I know you guys work in incredibly difficult jobs.
> 
> So would your husband be interested in getting outdoors on days off to do an activity?
> This might get him off the phone & you guys bonding together more.
> 
> Sometimes when my husband comes home, I can be very chatty and he'll just want quiet time, so I usually leave him alone & find he'll come looking for a chat later. But I'm not sure if it'll work for you guys?
> I try have positive conversations with him, so that he associates me with happy energy.
> 
> Negativity can drive anybody away, think if you had a friend who was always moaning, would you listen to them? So changing/having a different tone in talking can do wonders for communication in Marriage.
> 
> The sex initates situation is a tricky one, if it was me, I would invest time in having a light & easygoing conversation with my husband about more foreplay. Easier said than done but it's the only way in getting what you want. I'm still working on our intimacy issues. Talking is a massive help.
> 
> Does it offend you the way he asks?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




Yes it's super offensive. I told him I feel ugly, and not worth the effort when he asks me. Yet nothing changed. He is not a out door type of person. Although I am. I have gotten him to go on a few hikes, one a couple weeks ago where he complained the whole ride up, and he was on his phone during the hike.


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## katiecrna

Síocháin said:


> @katiecrna If you don't believe in divorce you will just have to learn how to live like this. He is not going to change because you want him to. He has to understand his part in this & work with you. You can't fix this by yourself. Don't be like me & wait 20 plus years hoping that one day things will change. His actions show you who he is & how he feels. I'm sorry. I know what you're going through.




I know. I read the people on here who have been dealing with PA husbands for so many years and it scares the crap out of me that I will become that.


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## SunCMars

katiecrna said:


> Even if I wanted to try a separation we can't because we can't afford to get another apartment. We are both working so hard, I'm in school full time and he doesn't make much as a resident.


Therein is your answer.

You are on a Short Journey. Not a long Sea Adventure....more like a bus ride in Utah. Mountains and [most] of the scenery are not pretty. The down-hills in that state are not frightening {like the Rockies}, few hair-pin curves. You can endure this bit of slow-motion nausea.

Use Dramamine [while riding the Greyhound] to quell the Drama-Queen that spits unhappy bile in your ear.



LOOK, LOOK !

I can see....over there....on the horizon, where your shutter-bump trip ends.

It ends when you graduate. When you get your first post-grad job.

End you marriage at that place. You can make it that far.


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## 225985

katiecrna said:


> I know. I agree. It's so frustrating because when I talk to him about it he tells me how much he loves me, and how much he is trying so hard. Then he's like I'm not a bad guy, I love you so much, our marriage isn't that bad is it? I get that he works hard but I'm not asking that much. I'm Christian... *I really don't believe in divorce unless it's over something huge like big.*


This IS huge like big, VERY BIG. 

What does he do on the phone? You have right to ask and he has obligation to tell you. Unless he is texting back to a surgeon how to finish the open heart surgery, he needs to put the phone down. Set ground rules like no phone in the bedroom. Sounds like your love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch. 

I know of only one reason to constantly play with and adjust the volume and vibration controls. YKWIM.


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## Anon1111

katiecrna said:


> First off, I'm sorry I know I post a lot about my marriage but I need advice. Two things to know: my husband is passive aggressive, and he is a resident who works a ton and is sleep deprived.


is there a new issue or are you just hoping someone will give you a different answer?



katiecrna said:


> Our marriage has been in trouble for about a year. I am very unhappy, he is fine with it, except he hates that I'm unhappy..


is he the one with the issue or you?



katiecrna said:


> My complaints are that I don't like how he treats me, he treats me like we are roommates and I feel like he has a lack of respect and love for me. He disagrees, he says he loves me and blah blah blah. (His actions and words don't match up).


again, you think there is a problem, he doesn't. so whose problem is it?



katiecrna said:


> We don't spend a lot of time together, because we are so busy. So I have been stressing to him that the time we actually get to spend with each other should be quality time, even if it's just us sitting watching tv at the end of the day. He agrees. The problem is I complain about certain things and tell him what he does I don't like, how it makes me feel, and what I wish he could do. Examples.... He is always on his phone. It drives me nuts. I get that he needs to check in with work but it's often him looking up soccer scores. I usually don't say anything Bc I don't want to be a nag, but when I start telling him a story and he goes on his phone it pisses me off Bc I know he's not listening to me. I told him, I wish that you would stop me, and say... Hang out for a second I need to take this. That was my request. He doesn't do it. Then I realize that when I text him and he's next to me, the volume is off. I think that's stretchy. I told him I want him to turn the volume up for now on.


you are micromanaging him and this is no doubt a massive turn off.

at the same time, you are insisting you need to spend "quality time" together. 

if your idea of quality time is nitpicking everything he does, you should not be surprised he's not interested.



katiecrna said:


> I mean he hasn't cheated on me but I have trust issues and I find it weird that he is always texting on his phone, like all the time.


again, whose issue is this? yours or his?



katiecrna said:


> He said he will turn it up, but he hasn't. I called him out again, and he will turn it up for a night, then the next day it will be off because "he forgot". So anyway, I have complained a lot about this, spending time when he comes home without him on his cell phone, proper cell phone etiquette, and turning the ringer on.... He hasn't done anything I asked. I can keep asking him but nothing changes.


your complaints are so numerous that they are probably like background noise to him at this point.

if you've raised the issue and he has not adjusted, then it is not a priority for him. at that point, it becomes your issue and you have to decide if you can live with it or not. constantly complaining does not solve anything.



katiecrna said:


> I tell him I don't want this parent child relationship where i have to tell him what to do all the time but he doesn't give me any choice.


he doesn't give you a choice? so you have no choice but to act the way you do? you can't actually believe this.



katiecrna said:


> Another thing.... I use to initiate all the time. He has stopped initiating... Well I lied, when he wants sex he says... "Do you want to have sex?" I have told him so many times that I need more than that, that I need him to actually touch me and kiss me and try to sleep with me not just ask me. He hasn't done that. We haven't had sex in probably 2 months.


again, this comes off as you nitpicking and micromanaging how he needs to interact with you. 

you've told him what you want, he ignored it, now the ball is in your court. can you accept what he's offering or not? that is YOUR dilemma, not his.




katiecrna said:


> I tell telling him I'm unhappy. Yesterday I told him that his actions don't match his words and I've realized that nothing will change.


common theme in your post-- complaining getting you no where. what is the point? 



katiecrna said:


> And that we are roommates and not husband and wife. It's like he doesn't care how I feel or what I say.


this is a two way street. you're complaining and ignoring what he's telling you and just complaining louder. are you actually listening to him? can you accept that he just might not be down with your program?



katiecrna said:


> Nothing changes. He doesn't put in any effort to try to change. He refuses therapy, he says he is trying his best to make me happy (even though literally nothing changed). I asked him what he expects me to do? When I'm unhappy and he doesn't change. His answer was to realize that our marriage isn't that bad. Ahh!! So frustrating. It's annoying because this behavior isn't really divorce worthy, but I don't know what to do....


he's basically telling you take it or leave it. there is no third option.

your dilemma is you keep insisting there should be. that's not his problem, it's yours.


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## MrsAldi

katiecrna said:


> Yes it's super offensive. I told him I feel ugly, and not worth the effort when he asks me. Yet nothing changed. He is not a out door type of person. Although I am. I have gotten him to go on a few hikes, one a couple weeks ago where he complained the whole ride up, and he was on his phone during the hike.


Why do you feel ugly? 
Surely he doesn't see you that way. 

As me & my husband are religious, we're going through a similar situation, he never used to initiate & I felt unattractive leading to all sorts of conundrums. I'm getting therapy for confidence in the bedroom. It might help for you. 

But you have to sort out the other issues like the phone first. 
What's keeping him on it? Social media? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna

blueinbr said:


> This IS huge like big, VERY BIG.
> 
> What does he do on the phone? You have right to ask and he has obligation to tell you. Unless he is texting back to a surgeon how to finish the open heart surgery, he needs to put the phone down. Set ground rules like no phone in the bedroom. Sounds like your love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch.
> 
> I know of only one reason to constantly play with and adjust the volume and vibration controls. YKWIM.




I know. It's super sketchy. When I ask, he tells me he is talking to another resident about a patient or whether something got done or not. My husband is now the chief resident and he has to be available for the younger residents. Plus they take turns being on call and they need to sign outdo each other and sometimes things are forgotten.


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## katiecrna

Anon1111 said:


> is there a new issue or are you just hoping someone will give you a different answer?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> is he the one with the issue or you?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> again, you think there is a problem, he doesn't. so whose problem is it?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> you are micromanaging him and this is no doubt a massive turn off.
> 
> 
> 
> at the same time, you are insisting you need to spend "quality time" together.
> 
> 
> 
> if your idea of quality time is nitpicking everything he does, you should not be surprised he's not interested.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> again, whose issue is this? yours or his?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> your complaints are so numerous that they are probably like background noise to him at this point.
> 
> 
> 
> if you've raised the issue and he has not adjusted, then it is not a priority for him. at that point, it becomes your issue and you have to decide if you can live with it or not. constantly complaining does not solve anything.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> he doesn't give you a choice? so you have no choice but to act the way you do? you can't actually believe this.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> again, this comes off as you nitpicking and micromanaging how he needs to interact with you.
> 
> 
> 
> you've told him what you want, he ignored it, now the ball is in your court. can you accept what he's offering or not? that is YOUR dilemma, not his.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> common theme in your post-- complaining getting you no where. what is the point?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> this is a two way street. you're complaining and ignoring what he's telling you and just complaining louder. are you actually listening to him? can you accept that he just might not be down with your program?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> he's basically telling you take it or leave it. there is no third option.
> 
> 
> 
> your dilemma is you keep insisting there should be. that's not his problem, it's yours.




Ok so this reads kind of offensive but I'll answer the questions the best I can. 

Is this a new problem? Our marriage was having problems. Now we have continued to go down hill. These things are new problems but the theme is that our marriage is going down hill. I was reaching out because I want to stop the downhill spiral to preserve our marriage. 

Is he the one with the issue? Um I'm unhappy with how he treats me. I guess this is my issue. He is unhappy that I am unhappy. That is he issue he doesn't seem to change. 

Spouses can't read our minds. If I'm unhappy, I will tell him. 

He is giving me no choice. Yea this is correct. When I have clinical, we have 1hr to spend with each other a day. That's it. Yes i will complain that he can't stop looking at his cellphone. Yesterday I came home from clinical, and just on my merry way. I didn't complain. I barely spoke to him because he was in the other room most of the time. He was mad that I was "acting" weird. But then walked off when I told him I was fine. I feel asleep on the couch. Went to bed. Of course he wasn't in the bed, he choose to sleep in the downstairs bedroom. Even when I dont complain... This is not MY problem. 

If you think asking for basic respect is nitpicking then I disagree.


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## katiecrna

MrsAldi said:


> Why do you feel ugly?
> Surely he doesn't see you that way.
> 
> As me & my husband are religious, we're going through a similar situation, he never used to initiate & I felt unattractive leading to all sorts of conundrums. I'm getting therapy for confidence in the bedroom. It might help for you.
> 
> But you have to sort out the other issues like the phone first.
> What's keeping him on it? Social media?
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk




He doesn't have social mediA. I have no idea what he's doing, he's constantly talking to people and looking up soccer stuff.


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## 225985

katiecrna said:


> It's annoying because this behavior isn't really divorce worthy, but I don't know what to do....


To some women his behavior isn't divorce worthy, but to YOU it might be.

After reading @Anon1111 's powerful post, IMO the problem here is your expectations and needs. Your H is the way he is. He probably will not change. There is nothing inherently wrong with him. Even after residency is over he probably will not suddenly change dramatically to meet your expectations. His not a bad person. He just is...HIM.

It could be as simple as he and you are not compatible. No fault in that. No shame. It just..IS.

ETA: I just saw this from you in another thread. "He has not always been like this. He has changed dramatically over the last 2 years and I think it's bc of his residency. He use to be such a nice guy and now he is angry at the world and doesn't give a damn."

So, do you stick it out for a few more years and see if he changes back or move on now? That is your dilemma.


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## katiecrna

@anon111 this idea of your problem vs my problem I just don't agree with. We are married. When something effects the marriage it's our problem. When you get married you have certain responsibilities. You can't go on and live however you want to regardless of what your spouse thinks or wants. You can't only take the good with the marriage and ignore the "bad" with the marriage. If he is unwilling to change or whatever he should have some respect for me and have a honest conversation with me about what is really going on. And what he is really willing to do and not do. Instead of blowing smoke up my ears.


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## MrsAldi

katiecrna said:


> He doesn't have social mediA. I have no idea what he's doing, he's constantly talking to people and looking up soccer stuff.


Yeah I know what's it like to be a sports widow! 
Anything with a ball, he watches, it never ends... 

You guys need to set up a quality time timetable.
Now I know that sounds silly, but it actually works. 
If he's a routine type of dude, it might help big time. 
This means no phone for an hour or so, could he handle that? 





Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna

He makes me feel like I am not even a person in this marriage. At least one worthy of effort and respect.


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## MEM1963

This is a perfect example of the differences betweeen:
- How you feel about a person
- How you feel about the way they treat you

Truth is - his blatant disregard for your requests - shows how he feels about you.





katiecrna said:


> First off, I'm sorry I know I post a lot about my marriage but I need advice. Two things to know: my husband is passive aggressive, and he is a resident who works a ton and is sleep deprived.
> 
> Our marriage has been in trouble for about a year. I am very unhappy, he is fine with it, except he hates that I'm unhappy. My complaints are that I don't like how he treats me, he treats me like we are roommates and I feel like he has a lack of respect and love for me. He disagrees, he says he loves me and blah blah blah. (His actions and words don't match up). We don't spend a lot of time together, because we are so busy. So I have been stressing to him that the time we actually get to spend with each other should be quality time, even if it's just us sitting watching tv at the end of the day. He agrees. The problem is I complain about certain things and tell him what he does I don't like, how it makes me feel, and what I wish he could do. Examples.... He is always on his phone. It drives me nuts. I get that he needs to check in with work but it's often him looking up soccer scores. I usually don't say anything Bc I don't want to be a nag, but when I start telling him a story and he goes on his phone it pisses me off Bc I know he's not listening to me. I told him, I wish that you would stop me, and say... Hang out for a second I need to take this. That was my request. He doesn't do it. Then I realize that when I text him and he's next to me, the volume is off. I think that's stretchy. I told him I want him to turn the volume up for now on. I mean he hasn't cheated on me but I have trust issues and I find it weird that he is always texting on his phone, like all the time. He said he will turn it up, but he hasn't. I called him out again, and he will turn it up for a night, then the next day it will be off because "he forgot". So anyway, I have complained a lot about this, spending time when he comes home without him on his cell phone, proper cell phone etiquette, and turning the ringer on.... He hasn't done anything I asked. I can keep asking him but nothing changes.
> 
> I tell him I don't want this parent child relationship where i have to tell him what to do all the time but he doesn't give me any choice. Another thing.... I use to initiate all the time. He has stopped initiating... Well I lied, when he wants sex he says... "Do you want to have sex?" I have told him so many times that I need more than that, that I need him to actually touch me and kiss me and try to sleep with me not just ask me. He hasn't done that. We haven't had sex in probably 2 months.
> 
> I tell telling him I'm unhappy. Yesterday I told him that his actions don't match his words and I've realized that nothing will change. And that we are roommates and not husband and wife. It's like he doesn't care how I feel or what I say. Nothing changes. He doesn't put in any effort to try to change. He refuses therapy, he says he is trying his best to make me happy (even though literally nothing changed). I asked him what he expects me to do? When I'm unhappy and he doesn't change. His answer was to realize that our marriage isn't that bad. Ahh!! So frustrating. It's annoying because this behavior isn't really divorce worthy, but I don't know what to do....


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## Anon1111

katiecrna said:


> @anon111 this idea of your problem vs my problem I just don't agree with. We are married. When something effects the marriage it's our problem. When you get married you have certain responsibilities. You can't go on and live however you want to regardless of what your spouse thinks or wants. You can't only take the good with the marriage and ignore the "bad" with the marriage. If he is unwilling to change or whatever he should have some respect for me and have a honest conversation with me about what is really going on. And what he is really willing to do and not do. Instead of blowing smoke up my ears.


my point is that you've identified what you see as problems to him repeatedly. these are all known issues at this point.

he has done nothing to adjust.

is telling him AGAIN going to do anything, or it is just an exercise in further frustration for both of you?

at what point do you accept that he has heard what you have to say and does not plan to do anything about it?

if you have reached this point (which it seems to me you have), then it is your problem because you are the only one who cares.

in other words, he is fine with things remaining exactly as they are. YOU are the only one who wants things to change, so it is really just your problem.

you can't MAKE him change. you can only ask him, and you have asked repeatedly.

so when you ask and ask and ask, and he does nothing, then the decision is yours: can you accept the status quo or not?

if not, then YOU need to do something about that. that is why I am saying it is your problem.


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## Elizabeth001

Anon111 is right. Your husband is happy with the status quo. He doesn't have a problem.

He. Will. Not. Change. 

It is up to you to decide if you can live life with the way things are NOW. 

I'm feeling you. Same situation here. I chose to let go and seek someone I am more compatible with. Wasted 10 years of my life waiting for him to give a sh1t about what was important to me. 

IMHO...you are beating a dead horse. 


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## Openminded

*Re: Husband dwon't change*

Your title says it perfectly -- he's not changing. Who knows why. His words (he cares) aren't matching up with his actions (he doesn't care). Believe his actions.


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## Anon1111

by the way, I'm with you on the phone thing. my wife is constantly buried in her phone. I've mentioned it to her many times over the years and it never stopped. I flat out told her many times that it makes me feel ignored but she never adjusted.

at one point I realized I was just getting so angry every time I felt her ignoring me and looking at her phone. 

I realized I had told her clearly in various ways how it made me feel and she still didn't stop. so I realized she just didn't give a sh-t and now I was faced with how I would handle that.

would I continue to twist my brain up over it when there was no possibility that she would ever respect me enough to change her habits?

it's just not worth it. at that point I realized this was just my problem and I figured out a way to let it go.

this does not mean that I think it's cool to ignore your spouse in favor of a phone but if that's the kind of relationship your spouse wants to have with you, you can't really make him/her change


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## Síocháin

@Anon1111 nailed it. You have repeatedly told him what you need. He has repeatedly told you he is happy the way things are. Don't forget you're dealing with a passive aggressive here. He will tell you what you want to hear. That's why during the last argument with my H I started the 180. He wanted to talk, I thought it was pointless. Because, he is going to justify his actions & tell me I'm overreacting or he will tell me what I want to hear & do what he wants anyway. No need to talk, I knew what was coming.

You have to decide what is acceptable to YOU. Can you live like this since he doesn't see a problem? It is hard because you love him & want it to work. Believe me, I know how difficult it is. He is who he is & the only one that can change him is himself. The hardest thing for me to understand was that his behavior & action reflects who HE is. Not who I am. 

You deserve respect & to be in a mutual loving relationship. Trust me when I say that the resentment you feel now will be so much worse in the future. I waited too long & lost myself. Please don't do that.


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## Elizabeth001

Síocháin said:


> @Anon1111 nailed it. You have repeatedly told him what you need. He has repeatedly told you he is happy the way things are. Don't forget you're dealing with a passive aggressive here. He will tell you what you want to hear. That's why during the last argument with my H I started the 180. He wanted to talk, I thought it was pointless. Because, he is going to justify his actions & tell me I'm overreacting or he will tell me what I want to hear & do what he wants anyway. No need to talk, I knew what was coming.
> 
> 
> 
> You have to decide what is acceptable to YOU. Can you live like this since he doesn't see a problem? It is hard because you love him & want it to work. Believe me, I know how difficult it is. He is who he is & the only one that can change him is himself. The hardest thing for me to understand was that his behavior & action reflects who HE is. Not who I am.
> 
> 
> 
> You deserve respect & to be in a mutual loving relationship. Trust me when I say that the resentment you feel now will be so much worse in the future. I waited too long & lost myself. Please don't do that.




Hell yes!


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## Anon1111

sometimes facing things as if they are just your problem can actually be helpful in resolving things, not just separating.

you can cut things down to what are really deal breakers and what is annoying but tolerable.

you may be blowing some things up that are ultimately not dealbreakers for you.

things can take on outsized importance when you are sitting neck deep in resentment


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## Emerging Buddhist

katiecrna said:


> He makes me feel like I am not even a person in this marriage. At least one worthy of effort and respect.


You are in health care... a very challenging career field for marriages already.

Instead of "He MAKES me feel"...

"Husband, when you (fill in blank), I feel (fill in blank) and I am (fill in blank)".

"Husband, when you ignore me, I feel unworthy of effort and respect and I am ready to begin reassessing our relationship with counseling. If you choose to be part of this I would readily have you there as I love you and want the best for us".

Free yourself from this control you feel he has and take control of your path inviting him to journey with you.

You will find out quickly where your place in his life is... when one is ready to face all the things being avoided and hurting the heart and soul, courage to believe in a better place comes.


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## Elizabeth001

I seriously doubt if counseling will help the situation. If her husband is like mine, he will sit there and agree but not use any advice given.

He's already blowing smoke up her Hoo-ha. 


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## katiecrna

Elizabeth001 said:


> I seriously doubt if counseling will help the situation. If her husband is like mine, he will sit there and agree but not use any advice given.
> 
> He's already blowing smoke up her Hoo-ha.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




And this is the most annoying part. The part that drives me insane that people don't understand. And I know this is why PA people mind f*ck you because they say just enough to keep you. I wish he would just tell me... I will never change. But he keeps telling me he will, and he's trying, he loves me. Every once in a while he will cry and tell me he doesn't want me to leave him and blah blah. It's making me go insane.


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## Anon1111

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You are in health care... a very challenging career field for marriages already.
> 
> Instead of "He MAKES me feel"...
> 
> "Husband, when you (fill in blank), I feel (fill in blank) and I am (fill in blank)".
> 
> "Husband, when you ignore me, I feel unworthy of effort and respect and I am ready to begin reassessing our relationship with counseling. If you choose to be part of this I would readily have you there as I love you and want the best for us".
> 
> Free yourself from this control you feel he has and take control of your path inviting him to journey with you.
> 
> You will find out quickly where your place in his life is... when one is ready to face all the things being avoided and hurting the heart and soul, courage to believe in a better place comes.


this is good advice.

what sucks is that he might just have different expectations than you.

and you might just have to either live with it or leave.

if you live with it, you'll eventually have to accept that you've chosen something different than what you would have designed and that this is another choice that is on you, not him. 

in other words, if you compromise, then you alone made the decision to do that. you can always leave instead.

don't fall into the trap of compromising and acting like he forced you to do that.


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## Elizabeth001

katiecrna said:


> And this is the most annoying part. The part that drives me insane that people don't understand. And I know this is why PA people mind f*ck you because they say just enough to keep you. I wish he would just tell me... I will never change. But he keeps telling me he will, and he's trying, he loves me. Every once in a while he will cry and tell me he doesn't want me to leave him and blah blah. It's making me go insane.




And you will just keep getting MORE insane. Trust me on this one 


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## Anon1111

katiecrna said:


> And this is the most annoying part. The part that drives me insane that people don't understand. And I know this is why PA people mind f*ck you because they say just enough to keep you. I wish he would just tell me... I will never change. But he keeps telling me he will, and he's trying, he loves me. Every once in a while he will cry and tell me he doesn't want me to leave him and blah blah. It's making me go insane.


focus on actions, not words.

actions tell the truth.


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## Elizabeth001

Anon1111 said:


> focus on actions, not words.
> 
> 
> 
> actions tell the truth.




Right on!


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## Elizabeth001

He's telling you that stuff because IT WORKS. Not because he means it. It's buying him time, that is all. YOU keep buying it. 

*said with love...sometimes the truth hurts but we need to hear it anyways 


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## Anon1111

Elizabeth001 said:


> He's telling you that stuff because IT WORKS. Not because he means it. It's buying him time, that is all. YOU keep buying it.
> 
> *said with love...sometimes the truth hurts but we need to hear it anyways
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


he might even mean it when he says it, but his lack of action just shows it is at best an extremely low priority.

high priority for her / low priority for him.

the only resolution is it either becomes a higher priority for him or a lower priority for her. or they split.

which is the most likely outcome?


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## Síocháin

@katiecrna Actions. His actions tell you how he feels & it isn't pleasant I know. They give you just enough to keep your hopes up that things are going to be different to remain in control. The PA doesn't say what he means, or mean what he says. His objective is to get you to leave him alone. He will agree that the sky is pink to make you go away. Then they do what they want anyway. But, he got what he wanted & you are left feeling like you have lost your mind.

I agree with @Elizabeth001. MC is pointless. He will again tell you what you want to hear and will not do what he said he would. MC only works if he admits he has issues & is willing to work on them. Been there, done that.

As hard as this is to understand. This is not about you, it's about him.


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## Anon1111

what if you just had a lower key type of relationship?

he feels free to ignore you, you feel free to ignore him. when your interest levels overlap, you interact. when they don't, you don't.

I know that is not what you set out to have when you got married, but is this so bad in theory?

how much of your resistance to this would be clinging to what you thought you should have had vs this arrangement being per se bad?


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## Elizabeth001

Anon1111 said:


> what if you just had a lower key type of relationship?
> 
> 
> 
> he feels free to ignore you, you feel free to ignore him. when your interest levels overlap, you interact. when they don't, you don't.
> 
> 
> 
> I know that is not what you set out to have when you got married, but is this so bad in theory?
> 
> 
> 
> how much of your resistance to this would be clinging to what you thought you should have had vs this arrangement being per se bad?




Because life is too short for meh. 


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## katiecrna

@anon111 I know I've thought about this. Somehow I think it will end up with him cheating on me. And with this arrangement I will probably never even know he is cheating.


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## katiecrna

At the same time @anon111 that is what he is doing to me. He is taking all the good with the marriage and ignoring the "bad" and his responsibilities. I guess I can start to do the same.


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## Síocháin

By the time I figured out what was going on in my marriage, I was years into it. I am 48 and will be starting over. New life & career (once I get my degree). She can change things now & not waste years like I did.


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## Elizabeth001

katiecrna said:


> At the same time @anon111 that is what he is doing to me. He is taking all the good with the marriage and ignoring the "bad" and his responsibilities. I guess I can start to do the same.




And that will be the end of it all. You guys survive because you are rowing the boat. All by yourself.


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## Elizabeth001

Síocháin said:


> By the time I figured out what was going on in my marriage, I was years into it. I am 48 and will be starting over. New life & career (once I get my degree). She can change things now & not waste years like I did.




47 for me but I know I'm going to be ok...and SANE. lol


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## Anon1111

Elizabeth001 said:


> Because life is too short for meh.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


that's totally reasonable.

sometimes though, the frustration is just a result of the mismatch. 

if you haven't tried it, you might find lowering your level of interest to where he's at to be enough.

particularly if you can accept this not as some kind of capitulation to "his way" but rather as a conscious choice you are making to balance things.

it might not work, but if you haven't gotten to the point where you are ready to leave, it might be worth trying.


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## Anon1111

katiecrna said:


> At the same time @anon111 that is what he is doing to me. He is taking all the good with the marriage and ignoring the "bad" and his responsibilities. I guess I can start to do the same.


that is what I'm saying. 

you invest no more in the relationship than he does.

he takes what he wants and offers nothing more.

you can do the same. 

just don't expect he'll make up the difference.

you will have to get used to a lot more distance, but you might find once you do that you like it.

some marriages are quite fine on this model.

spouses have a low key relationship and kind of live separate lives, but come together when it suits them.

Obviously this is different from what you have currently and it might not appeal to you at all.

but it's hard to know until you try it.


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## 225985

This seems to be a ladies' talk. I'm a guy and want to ask some important question. 

Do your husband's clearly know how you feel and what your needs are? Did you directly tell them? Or are you using hints and expect them to read your mind?

IMO a husband that is clearly told what you need, and does not do it, just does not care. But the message of what you need, and are not getting, must clearly be communicated.

ETA: For example my wife complained for years that I was always on my phone. My retort was that SHE was on her ipad more than I was on the phone. What she was trying to communicate, but failed, was that she needed Quality Time with me. I did the 5LL thing you all know about to finally realize that. Then I asked her point blank is that what you meant. To which she simply said "Yes".


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## katiecrna

@annon111 what I have been doing isn't working. And I am not ready to throw my marriage away, at least not yet. 

Instead of expecting him to treat me in a way he obviously can't, I will stop *****ing and start matching his effort. I think so much in terms of we, and he thinks in terms of I. And I always end up disappointed and not in a better place. For now I will focus on me. It's just hard and unnatural for me to do this. 
I think I will just wrote him a detailed letter, one last effort to get him to understand how I feel, and I'll tell him how I feel, and things he does that hurts me feelings and what I need. I'm sure it won't change anything but at least he has it on paper and he can't ever say he doesn't know what he wants me to do (which he often says).


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## WonkyNinja

katiecrna said:


> I don't understand why he is ok with such a crappy marriage. That's what bothers me the most. Why is he settling for a no passion, roommate marriage.


From what I have heard about resident life he is probably fatigued and tired out the whole time. 

Personally I am totally against doctors being able to work more than 12 straight hours, you get to a fatigue point where your brain simply doesn't function and to have someone in that state making life and death decisions is sheer lunacy.

He does need to learn how best to manage it though.


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## EllisRedding

Some people have mentioned that MC would be a waste, and most likely it will be. However, is it not worth at least trying? If it doesn't work, then @katiecrna can at least say she tried everything possible to save the marriage. Maybe going to MC and H hearing her say fix this or we get a divorce will be enough to shake him out of this funk.


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## Elizabeth001

EllisRedding said:


> Some people have mentioned that MC would be a waste, and most likely it will be. However, is it not worth at least trying? If it doesn't work, then @katiecrna can at least say she tried everything possible to save the marriage. Maybe going to MC and H hearing her say fix this or we get a divorce will be enough to shake him out of this funk.




Perhaps. She does say she's not ready to throw in the towel. Could be an eye-opener for both of them. 


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## Síocháin

katiecrna said:


> @annon111 what I have been doing isn't working. And I am not ready to throw my marriage away, at least not yet.
> 
> Instead of expecting him to treat me in a way he obviously can't, I will stop *****ing and start matching his effort. *I think so much in terms of we, and he thinks in terms of I. And I always end up disappointed and not in a better place. For now I will focus on me. It's just hard and unnatural for me to do this. *
> I think I will just wrote him a detailed letter, one last effort to get him to understand how I feel, and I'll tell him how I feel, and things he does that hurts me feelings and what I need. I'm sure it won't change anything but at least he has it on paper and he can't ever say he doesn't know what he wants me to do (which he often says).


 @katiecrna I understand & know how unnatural it feels. It took me a long time to make decisions for myself without thinking about my H. It is a difficult process because it's hard to get out of the "we" mindset. 
@blueinbr I don't want to highjack Katie's post. I do have my own post & would appreciate any feedback.


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## Anon1111

I think MC will be a dead end. Her husband doesn't have the time or energy to deal with that. It will just be another demand on him and he'll probably resent it.

I think it would be helpful to divide things into "temporary" issues vs "long term" issues.

temporary is that he's really tired and burnt out from residency. and OP is frustrated by this too.

long term is that he's passive aggressive and doesn't seem too concerned that his wife if unhappy (at least not concerned enough to really do anything about it). also, I think OP has her own issues about being controlling. this is not really a good match.

so I think the question is whether she can take a longer term view, chill out a bit until residency is over and use this time to assess whether the long term issues can really become tolerable.

it would be a huge mistake to have kids until this stuff is worked out.

Based on the descriptions provided so far, I would say the likelihood is low that this will be a happy marriage long term. so it's a question how much "risk" OP is willing to take that one or both of them may eventually transform. either one of them could, but one of them must.


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## MEM1963

The lack of sex is a huge deal at their young ages.

And I am concerned that somehow their power struggles have spilled in to the bedroom. 





Anon1111 said:


> I think MC will be a dead end. Her husband doesn't have the time or energy to deal with that. It will just be another demand on him and he'll probably resent it.
> 
> I think it would be helpful to divide things into "temporary" issues vs "long term" issues.
> 
> temporary is that he's really tired and burnt out from residency. and OP is frustrated by this too.
> 
> long term is that he's passive aggressive and doesn't seem too concerned that his wife if unhappy (at least not concerned enough to really do anything about it). also, I think OP has her own issues about being controlling. this is not really a good match.
> 
> so I think the question is whether she can take a longer term view, chill out a bit until residency is over and use this time to assess whether the long term issues can really become tolerable.
> 
> it would be a huge mistake to have kids until this stuff is worked out.
> 
> Based on the descriptions provided so far, I would say the likelihood is low that this will be a happy marriage long term. so it's a question how much "risk" OP is willing to take that one or both of them may eventually transform. either one of them could, but one of them must.


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## Anon1111

MEM1963 said:


> The lack of sex is a huge deal at their young ages.
> 
> And I am concerned that somehow their power struggles have spilled in to the bedroom.


totally devolving into a power struggle.

and he seems to not really care about that.

she's giving him instructions on how to get laid and he's like, "meh."


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## katiecrna

I just realized that his is just like his dad. I always though his parents marriage was weird Bc his parents never spend time together, ever. The dad like does whatever he wants. Like when I visit, he's like in the other room or upstairs and apparently he is always like they. His parents never ever ever hang out together. They have never taken a vacation together in the 13 years that I have known them. But they are dying to take a vaca with the family. I feel like my husband is taking after this dad.

About the sex stuff. We use to have sex probably once a week. Maybe twice because we are so busy and sleep deprived. As soon as we started having problems in our marriage he is treating me more and more like a roommate and less like a wife. (Which is what I was always complaining about before which caused the fighting).


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## sapientia

You need to stay calm during this brief difficult period of your marriage. Unless your H is a terrible person -- which it doesn't sound like he is. As another poster wrote, this is a brief storm in the longer voyage of your marriage. Take the long view and try to be understanding, both of him and that this is "just for now, not forever".

The demands of being a resident (or an entrepreneur, trying to make Partner, or get tenure, etc.) are HUGE. But the payoff comes when the brass ring is grasped. It's easy to say "I quit", especially from those who haven't experienced this journey.

Talk to those who have gone before. You might also share this with your H, who will be intellectually driven, so might enjoy having this printed for him to read when he gets home. After he's had a chance to relax for a while. Good luck.

https://hbr.org/2012/07/how-two-career-couples-stay-ha/


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## Steve1000

katiecrna said:


> Even if I wanted to try a separation we can't because we can't afford to get another apartment. We are both working so hard, I'm in school full time and he doesn't make much as a resident.


In my city in central US, 2nd-year medical residents make about $57K. with no kids involved, money should not be a big cause of stress unless your tuition costs are high. 

Why would he accept a passionless marriage? Perhaps he can for awhile because he busy enough and focuses on achieving his goal of completing residency. Other reasons could be that he has a low sex drive, or that he doesn't have those feelings for you. Was he ever very passionate about you in the beginning?


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## sapientia

katiecrna said:


> *I just realized that his is just like his dad.* I always though his parents marriage was weird Bc his parents never spend time together, ever.


You are looking for reasons to hate him. Be careful you understand the path your mind is taking you down. If you WANT to end up divorced, continue. If not, control your thoughts. 

Your marriage is NOT his parents marriage. You control your marriage. Make it what YOU want, but don't be in a hurry... your marriage can evolve and your H can be guided towards what you would like. If you are smart and skillful, and not impatient. Nagging will drive you to divorce. Gentle persistence is your mantra.


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## sapientia

Steve1000 said:


> Why would he accept a passionless marriage?


My guess is he doesn't. But he is exhausted from other commitments.

Remember - its just for now, its not forever.


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## Steve1000

sapientia said:


> My guess is he doesn't. But he is exhausted from other commitments.
> 
> Remember - its just for now, its not forever.


Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just not ready to assume that it is mostly due to exhaustion. Residents can work long hours, but their work schedules have been modified at many hospitals during the past ten years. There has been a movement to limit the number of hours to avoid mistakes caused by exhaustion.


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## sapientia

Steve1000 said:


> Your guess is as good as mine. I'm just not ready to assume that it is mostly due to exhaustion. Residents can work long hours, but their work schedules have been modified at many hospitals during the past ten years. There has been a movement to limit the number of hours to avoid mistakes caused by exhaustion.


It's a rather educated guess. I taught medical school for years. It's not just hours on the ward. Residents have to continue to do a lot of studying when they are not at work and are trying to impress to be offered a full-time staff position. It's actually harder than medical school, as one is applying and integrating a lot of skills for the first time.

Some residents respond to the demands differently than others. It's like articling for a professional service or law firm bust their a$$ to impress. Some just can't focus on much else during that time. Lots don't make partner b/c they can't handle the load, travel, etc.

Having a supportive marriage/family environment can make a huge difference.


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## Steve1000

sapientia said:


> It's a rather educated guess. I taught medical school for years. It's not just hours on the ward. Residents have to continue to do a lot of studying when they are not at work and are trying to impress to be offered a full-time staff position. It's actually harder than medical school, as one is applying and integrating a lot of skills for the first time.
> 
> Some residents respond to the demands differently than others. It's like articling for a professional service or law firm bust their a$$ to impress. Some just can't focus on much else during that time. Lots don't make partner b/c they can't handle the load, travel, etc.
> 
> Having a supportive marriage/family environment can make a huge difference.


Regarding fatigue, your guess is better than mine.  I work with setting salary levels of medical residents and fellows to meet national standards.


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## sapientia

The guy says he loves her and is happy. This means it's fundamentally her issue right now. Although, yes, they share responsibility for the marriage the guy can only do so much in the moment if he's running at full capacity. I assume the guy didn't hide his ambition to become a physician and she knew the movie she bought the ticket for. Now she needs to sit tight during the scary parts. Close her eyes and breathe deep for a while and focus on her own career, is what I would suggest.

What are the alternatives? Should he drop his career so she can have more attention? He won't do that -- he'll just divorce her (and quickly, so he can get on with it!) for someone who understands the demands better. This is where children of career parents often make more understanding spouses in these marriages -- because they've seen the entire movie play out and don't lose faith when it gets challenging.

That said, if this continues to be an issue once his residency is over and she is self-supporting in her own career -- deal with it then.

My opinion only, of course.


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## JohnA

I saw your post on trusting's thread which is why I followed you here. Specifically your statement about tough crowd. 

Your situation is 180 degrees different. Perhaps on this board, or another, your husband should/would be roasted alive for his actions. He would be told to listen and at the very least make a list of what you need and a schedule to do it. He should be told his patient (your marriage) is on life support intensive care and what is he going to do about it?

He is a resident, I get it but being an MD is also a tough life. Why should either of you think still being married things would be different? 

In closing guard your integrity, do not do what the woman in truth seeker's thread did. If you do divorce you will feel much better about yourself. 

Be well


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## Anon1111

no doubt his experience of his parents' marriage will influence how yours goes.

but be careful about trying to "diagnose" him with something.

if your relationship is not going very well right now, he will likely see whatever issue you raise as just more noise.

your best bet if you want a long term happy result with him is to stoke your emotional connection now in a way that he is able to receive.

don't put pressure on him to spend "quality time" with you-- make the time spent with you actually more APPEALING to him so that he naturally wants to spend time with you.

by the way, you may have little understanding why his father acts the way he does. he may actually want to have a better relationship with his wife but has been pushed away by her. the point is you really might not have much insight here.

once you are on more solid footing with your husband, this might be an area you can probe further. but it has to come from a solid foundation and a sense that you are asking because you actually care about him, not as a way to diagnose your own relationship problems.


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## turnera

I always tell people to look at your partner's family, because THAT is what you're marrying. It's very unusual for a person to be able to break out of that mold they grew up in.


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## Rasputin

I have a few differing thoughts about what's going on here. I'll chime in and play devils advocate some. Don't be insulted as I do feel you have very valid complaints. 

You're both medical field, correct? For 4 years I held a position where the correspondence from work was ceaseless. Day, night, weekends, holidays, vacations. Shutting the phone off was not an option. I often turned the ringer off as a courtesy to my wife so she wouldn't get annoyed by the barrage of texts. Maybe he's doing this? Also, the very last thing I'd want to hear about is more work stuff(medical in your case). Are medical topics where your conversations lead? Asking "how was work?" Was a bad idea and I just wanted to withdraw. Often I just wanted a mind-numbing escape. I certainly did not feel like listening to my wife(or anyone) talk. I still listened but I craved doing nothing. Maybe checking out soccer is how he escapes? I'm not excusing him, just maybe helping you understand him. 

Other guys are just dense. Thick-headed dense. Some get completely lost in beer and sports. These types usually are comfortable/complacent about having won you and don't care to give more effort. The fact that you b!tch at him tells him you still care(I.e., he's still won). Saying "fine" and giving silent treatment tells him you still care(He's still won). These types often won't do anything until you're actually gone and they finally notice. It takes these guys losing to ever change. As in you can't go back to him. He will change for the next girl. 

The lack of sex I find troubling. The more stressed I get the more sex I want. I'm inclined to say he's getting it elsewhere or is interested in another woman. What would happen if you walked into the room butt a$$ naked and just straddled him? Would he keep looking at his phone? It's possible the thought of sex may feel like more work. If you just skipped the "work" maybe he would happily join in? Not very romantic, I know, and it may set a bad precedence, but I'd be curious how he reacted. Have you changed physically recently? Maybe a hurtful question but some guys are sensitive to changes and lose interest. 

In terms of his phone usage, there are ways to see everything on his phone without having his phone. Of course I'm telling you this for educational purposes only and not condoning invasions of privacy....with that said, if his phone is synced with your computer(I.e., backups are made to iTunes) there are free programs to view the backup. The backup is an exact copy of the phone and often still contains deleted material. I truly don't suggest going that route as it would destroy whatever bond you had left should he find out. Does he hide his screen from you? If you were to snuggle up to him, laying your head by his chin and within eyesight of the screen, would he put the phone down or change the app? Does he prefer to stay in separate rooms while on the phone? 

He does need to give you his time and show you with actions that you're special. No doubt. You may have to come up with an ultimatum and stick to your guns.


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## Blondilocks

The constantly checking soccer scores has me raising my eyebrows. Could he be gambling?


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## WonkyNinja

Blondilocks said:


> The constantly checking soccer scores has me raising my eyebrows. Could he be gambling?


More likely that he's following UEFA Euro 2016, most of Europe is. If he's for England he won't be following so closely now, but he won't be a happy teddy bear either.


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