# How do you do it?



## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

How do you learn to forgive yourself post affair? I am really struggling badly with guilt and shame. I think back to how I treated him during the affair and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I am so ashamed of myself. And the guilt on top of that is just eating away at me.

I need solid advice. Especially from any former waywards who will understand what I am going through.

Help!


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

This is definitely a tough one. We all do things that hurt our spouse, but mostly they are talked about and forgiven in the moment. Forgiving for an affair is a whole different ball game. 

Remember that forgiveness is a process. You are going to have to forgive yourself over and over again. That's ok. That's normal. When an incident comes to mind that you feel shame for, say you remember the devastation on your husband's face or a time you lied, sit with the pain of it for a few minutes - the effect of what you did. You have to feel it, at least that is my experience. Then, make a conscious effort to say your are sorry you did that, because you are. Think about why you are sorry and what you wish you had done differently. For me, manually writing these things with pen and paper really helps (and at some point I burn all my notes as kind of a release ceremony). After going through these steps, you then say it's a mistake of the past, you forgive yourself, and you will not repeat it or allow yourself to be in situations that would tempt you to repeat it. The final step is, if necessary, apologize for that specific incident to your spouse. "Remember the time I lied about this, I'm sorry I lied and hurt you."

Now let's address your spouse forgiving you. If you are together, your spouse will need to go through a similar process of forgiving you (many, many times) AND you must accept the gift of forgiveness if you are going to move forward. Once forgiveness happens, the past should only be brought up in terms of giving or asking for forgiveness. It can't be a weapon or used against you.

One more thing: forgiveness is, by definition, an unequal transaction and that is why I refer to it as a gift. When given, the giver admits they wronged and the receiver admits they were wronged. Nothing can change that. There is no "evening the score". It is a gift you choose to give yourself or someone else even though they do not "deserve" it. 

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ABiolarWife said:


> How do you learn to forgive yourself post affair? I am really struggling badly with guilt and shame. I think back to how I treated him during the affair and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I am so ashamed of myself. And the guilt on top of that is just eating away at me.
> 
> I need solid advice. Especially from any former waywards who will understand what I am going through.
> 
> Help!


Same topic as other post?


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## Gfawkes (8 mo ago)

Therapeutic oral sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABiolarWife said:


> How do you learn to forgive yourself post affair? I am really struggling badly with guilt and shame. I think back to how I treated him during the affair and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I am so ashamed of myself. And the guilt on top of that is just eating away at me.
> 
> I need solid advice. Especially from any former waywards who will understand what I am going through.
> 
> Help!


You can't really forgive yourself. Forgiveness comes from the person you wronged.

Repentance is in your control however.

Didn't your husband divorce you over your infidelity?

It seems he has taken decisive actions and is satisfied with the results.

His health and wellbeing are priorities and if he is in good shape, you should be working on yourself to be healthy too and the best you can do for him is rework yourself to be a fitting mate for him.

It sounds like you had to accomplish a lot of reform before he took you back, yes?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> You can't really forgive yourself. Forgiveness comes from the person you wronged.
> 
> Repentance is in your control however.
> 
> ...



We did get divorced but are back together now and remarried. But you are 100% dead wrong about forgiveness. He has forgiven me completely...we have had enough heart to heart conversations for me to _know it. However..._I am overflowing with with guilt and shame to the point that it feels like a threat to our marriage. It is SO selfish of me.



> It sounds like you had to accomplish a lot of reform before he took you back, yes?


After I got out of the hospital and diagnosed I spent the next three years learning about my disorder. Did not go on a single date either during that time as well


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Same topic as other post?


Yes - but hopefully it won't cause a crisis


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABiolarWife said:


> We did get divorced but are back together now and remarried. But you are 100% dead wrong about forgiveness. He has forgiven me completely...we have had enough heart to heart conversations for me to _know it. However..._I am overflowing with with guilt and shame to the point that it feels like a threat to our marriage. It is SO selfish of me.
> 
> 
> 
> After I got out of the hospital and diagnosed I spent the next three years learning about my disorder. Did not go on a single date either during that time as well


I don't believe you understood what I said at all.
Best wishes.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ABiolarWife said:


> Yes - but hopefully it won't cause a crisis


It's just better usually to keep together, one gets better comments with the background information all in one place. But you post as you think best, no worries from me. Of course I have zero input on that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABiolarWife said:


> We did get divorced but are back together now and remarried. But you are 100% dead wrong about forgiveness. He has forgiven me completely...we have had enough heart to heart conversations for me to _know it. However..._I am overflowing with with guilt and shame to the point that it feels like a threat to our marriage. It is SO selfish of me.
> 
> 
> 
> After I got out of the hospital and diagnosed I spent the next three years learning about my disorder. Did not go on a single date either during that time as well


I'm also somewhat of a scholar on forgiveness so if you believe I'm wrong about you being able to forgive yourself, enlighten me.

I don't doubt your husband has forgiven you and it seems you have repented.

The best you can do is continue to do good work.

I told my son something that changed his life and maybe you can get some help from it.

Everyone has done things they regret. No one living for any length of time hasn't made some choices that they wish they hadn't.

The good people are those that decide to change their behavior and make better choices.

It seems you have chosen to be one of the good ones.😉


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I don't believe you understood what I said at all.
> Best wishes.


I am sorry...could you ask me again? I would appreciate it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ABiolarWife said:


> We did get divorced but are back together now and remarried. But you are 100% dead wrong about forgiveness. He has forgiven me completely...we have had enough heart to heart conversations for me to _know it. However..._I am overflowing with with guilt and shame to the point that it feels like a threat to our marriage. It is SO selfish of me.
> 
> 
> 
> After I got out of the hospital and diagnosed I spent the next three years learning about my disorder. Did not go on a single date either during that time as well


That your husband chose you over what was out there, should soften the self loathing you have. Even though through the divorce, you paid the price for your betrayal, it is normal to still feel guilt and shame for what you did. You love him so much that it still bothers you that you crushed this man. In time, the shame and guilt will lessen as you see through the life that you two are enjoying, that you’re making him happy and that he has completely accepted you. It will just take time. It can’t be rushed.

As for forgiving yourself; is that something you think you can do or even want to do? All this talk about forgiving yourself doesn’t make sense because forgiveness comes from the one that you’ve wronged. Through his actions, your husband is showing you that he has forgiven you. I believe that the guilt and shame that you feel is part of the price one pays for their transgressions.

Also, I would think that your husband seeing that you still feel guilt, as proof that he has a remorseful wife. If you were like, oh, I’ve forgiven myself and we’re all good, that he might subconsciously doubt the sincerity of your remorse. I’m not saying being a martyr for life but there is some balance in these things.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Gfawkes said:


> Therapeutic oral sex.


you had me at "oral"


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

bricks said:


> This is definitely a tough one. We all do things that hurt our spouse, but mostly they are talked about and forgiven in the moment. Forgiving for an affair is a whole different ball game.
> 
> Remember that forgiveness is a process. You are going to have to forgive yourself over and over again. That's ok. That's normal. When an incident comes to mind that you feel shame for, say you remember the devastation on your husband's face or a time you lied, sit with the pain of it for a few minutes - the effect of what you did. You have to feel it, at least that is my experience. Then, make a conscious effort to say your are sorry you did that, because you are. Think about why you are sorry and what you wish you had done differently. For me, manually writing these things with pen and paper really helps (and at some point I burn all my notes as kind of a release ceremony). After going through these steps, you then say it's a mistake of the past, you forgive yourself, and you will not repeat it or allow yourself to be in situations that would tempt you to repeat it. The final step is, if necessary, apologize for that specific incident to your spouse. "Remember the time I lied about this, I'm sorry I lied and hurt you."
> 
> ...


Thank you for this advice. Some of it is going to start right away. And when 
I apologize? I always apologize specifically and honestly. When he is triggered and in pain? I get down on the floor and lean into his hurt. And, as I said, apologize to him for putting him through this and causing all of the mental health issues my actions have precipitated.

And yeah - I have an image in my head. When I was screaming at him and going full on DARVO? The look of hurt on his face registered. It did not bother me then. However...when I was back at bass I started learning now to play this song. And this guy, Henrik Linder, is becoming one of my favorite players. Thank you again.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You were a bad wife before, so now take what you have learned and experienced and be a good one. That's all you can do. I think getting a divorce and having that split for him to sow his wild oates probably allowed him to move past a little better than those that try to jump right into reconciliation post affair.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

_‘It is not external events themselves that cause us distress, but the way in which we think about them…It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.’ Epictetus _

If i understand your history ABW, you went through the divorce after your affair was exposed, and for thee years he moved on and you worked on yourself, then you both found each other again and you have medicated that has stabilized your being and all is good between you too.....while it is good that you take on your responsibility for your past actions, there are many who don't or chose to look else where to blame. You have done an excellent job in defeating your demons, so why let them still occupy your spirit? 

Hear me out on this, NONE of us including your husband are perfect creatures, we suffer the fragilities of individuals failures, but if we let them stand in our way of happiness then we become empty martyrs, self flagellating ourselves until there is nothing left. Might i recommend you read up on stoicism specifically the discourses of Epictetus. 

Remember you become what you give attention too....if you spend your days anguishing over your past sins then how do you intend to create a brighter future with your husband. Lingering on to past mistakes will only disrupt your future, and you will miss out on what could be the years of both of your lives.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> That your husband chose you over what was out there, should soften the self loathing you have. Even though through the divorce, you paid the price for your betrayal, it is normal to still feel guilt and shame for what you did. You love him so much that it still bothers you that you crushed this man. In time, the shame and guilt will lessen as you see through the life that you two are enjoying, that you’re making him happy and that he has completely accepted you. It will just take time. It can’t be rushed.
> 
> As for forgiving yourself; is that something you think you can do or even want to do? All this talk about forgiving yourself doesn’t make sense because forgiveness comes from the one that you’ve wronged. Through his actions, your husband is showing you that he has forgiven you. I believe that the guilt and shame that you feel is part of the price one pays for their transgressions.
> 
> Also, I would think that your husband seeing that you still feel guilt, as proof that he has a remorseful wife. If you were like, oh, I’ve forgiven myself and we’re all good, that he might subconsciously doubt the sincerity of your remorse. I’m not saying being a martyr for life but there is some balance in these things.





UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You were a bad wife before, so now take what you have learned and experienced and be a good one. That's all you can do. I think getting a divorce and having that split for him to sow his wild oates probably allowed him to move past a little better than those that try to jump right into reconciliation post affair.


I somewhat agree with you but we had both sown our wild oats before we met. We met and got married later in life. He was 30 and I was 28 when we married. But I do think that those 3 years when he was with other women did him a lot of good mentally. And, I surely found out who my real friends were, because 3 of them could not wait for my tears to dry, before seducing my ex husband at that time. It seems like all three of them had a thing for him that went back years. One even tried to make him her boy toy on the side. Was going to pay for everything, put him up in a nice apartment. You name it.

However - he is smarter than that and told all 3 of them that he would love having sex with them but there is not going to be any relationships rising from it. And all 3 were fine with that. And I think that having a lot of sex with a lot of different (and beautiful I might add) women helped ease the emasculation he felt post affair. It helped his self image a LOT. And his confidence absolutely soared after the divorce and sleeping with 3 of my 'friends'.

It made him feel desirable and stopped him from going down the rabbit hole of feeling like he was not good enough for me. Or he was somehow less of a man for taking me back and offering me the gift of reconciliation. His own sister is giving him Hell about reconciling. And she absolutely hates me for what I did to her brother (and I cannot say I blame her) but won't really look at the healthy, positive changes I have made to be a better person.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

The first thing I would say is to separate your Self from your Actions. You did a terrible thing. You acted in an atrocious way toward someone you supposed loved. But that does not "define" you. You are not your actions. Make sense? The reason I asked you about guilt and shame before is because when you feel guilty, you think "I did something horrible" but when you feel shame, you think "I am a horrible person." So remind yourself that your bad choices are not the definition of YOU. 

The next thing I would say is to feel it. It is right and reasonable to feel guilty, because you are guilty. You did it! I remember in my early days, when I was working on my "former", I took the perspective of appreciating the chance to eat some crow and acknowledge that I was guilty. I also practiced calling it what it was--adultery--and not using euphamisms to minimize. I did remind myself that I wouldn't always feel bad, and I did allow myself to feel the feelings (instead of trying to avoid them).

The next thing I would say is to recognize that by holding onto the guilt and shame, you are actually perpetuating it. It's kind of twisted, but by holding onto it and not choosing to lay it down and let go--I was actually keeping the drama and pain and hurt going! This will sound really awful, but I was new to healthy, committed relationships and had no model of one from my parents, so I was afraid of the "unknown". I knew that unhealthy was not good for me (or my spouse) but at least I was familiar with it--whereas the "unknown" of laying it down was just scary! I didn't know what that would be like, so I clung to it! Holding onto the guilt stops you from moving forward, so practice laying it down. CHOOSE to lay it down. 

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean that you're okay with it. It doesn't mean you've forgotten what happened. It doesn't mean you don't still experience the natural consequences either. It just means that you let yourself down and "owe yourself" for being a jerk...but you are going to purposefully CHOOSE to let that debt go and cancel it, and CHOOSE to never, ever pick it up again! 

You may want to do a journal that would be the voices inside your head: The Critic, The Protector, The Child and The Nurturer. What is your Critic saying? Your Child? Literally write what each one says about this guilty thing... Then in a column next to it, answer that back with reality. For example, if your Critic is saying "You are a no-good, horrible person for saying that to him! How could you make that much pain in his face!" ... in the other column you'd write reality: "I am a combination of good and bad. I did say some horrible things that were very hurtful. But that was then and this is now. Now I am purposefully aware of using my words for good. Now I am learning to train my thinking." See what I mean? Talk back to your "Self".


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Gfawkes said:


> Therapeutic oral sex.


Yes! We both love oral sex anyhow. So we can throw that in the mix tonight anytime


Affaircare said:


> The first thing I would say is to separate your Self from your Actions. You did a terrible thing. You acted in an atrocious way toward someone you supposed loved. But that does not "define" you. You are not your actions. Make sense? The reason I asked you about guilt and shame before is because when you feel guilty, you think "I did something horrible" but when you feel shame, you think "I am a horrible person." So remind yourself that your bad choices are not the definition of YOU.
> 
> The next thing I would say is to feel it. It is right and reasonable to feel guilty, because you are guilty. You did it! I remember in my early days, when I was working on my "former", I took the perspective of appreciating the chance to eat some crow and acknowledge that I was guilty. I also practiced calling it what it was--adultery--and not using euphamisms to minimize. I did remind myself that I wouldn't always feel bad, and I did allow myself to feel the feelings (instead of trying to avoid them).
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I so identify with your perspective.



> Forgiving yourself doesn't mean that you're okay with it. It doesn't mean you've forgotten what happened. It doesn't mean you don't still experience the natural consequences either.


No - the affair will ALWAYS be a part of our history. Like a stain. But that relationship and marriage is dead and gone. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes of its death so too is our relationship and marriage now. We are building it new from the ground up. On a foundation of love, trust, honesty and mutual respect. We have a wonderful life now. Full of love and laughter. And quiet, steady love for each other.

Thank you again for the excellent advice and such a thoughtful reply. I am grateful.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> I'm also somewhat of a scholar on forgiveness so if you believe I'm wrong about you being able to forgive yourself, enlighten me.
> 
> I don't doubt your husband has forgiven you and it seems you have repented.
> 
> ...


Where I think we are missing each other's point somewhat let me explain my position further. Yes - forgiveness comes from someone you have wronged in some way. Agree 100% But, think of it this way, _I also wronged myself. _ I wronged myself by not enforcing boundaries. By lowering myself so low I had an affair. By ignoring my own ethics and morality.

And, I think, that to get hold of the shame and rob it of its power over me at this time? Will have to include forgiving myself for making such horrific choices.

Kind Regards


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> _‘It is not external events themselves that cause us distress, but the way in which we think about them…It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.’ Epictetus _
> 
> If i understand your history ABW, you went through the divorce after your affair was exposed, and for thee years he moved on and you worked on yourself, then you both found each other again and you have medicated that has stabilized your being and all is good between you too.....while it is good that you take on your responsibility for your past actions, there are many who don't or chose to look else where to blame. You have done an excellent job in defeating your demons, so why let them still occupy your spirit?
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. Very encouraging to read. And yes - I have changed myself radically. I knew when I started therapy that I need to find the root cause of what actually allowed me to commit such a betrayal. And I dug and dug and dug with my therapist until I DID uncover my "whys". It was a combination of a deeply ingrained attitude of entitlement, a habit of seeking validation from others (which is tied to my low self esteem) and the actual dynamite - bipolar disorder and a raging manic episode.

That is a pretty intense combination right there


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABiolarWife said:


> Where I think we are missing each other's point somewhat let me explain my position further. Yes - forgiveness comes from someone you have wronged in some way. Agree 100% But, think of it this way, _I also wronged myself. _ I wronged myself by not enforcing boundaries. By lowering myself so low I had an affair. By ignoring my own ethics and morality.
> 
> And, I think, that to get hold of the shame and rob it of its power over me at this time? Will have to include forgiving myself for making such horrific choices.
> 
> Kind Regards


There is no real way to forgive yourself. I have a very dark past which involves my decisions and choices as well as those of others.

Only living a different life and making better choices gives me any peace.

Becoming a better person is the best gift you can give your husband.

Allowing guilt to eat at you does not allow you to give your best to him.

Seeing good, choosing good and accomplishing will help both you and your husband for the future.

Living while being cautious of past poor choices is wise. Living in the past, experiencing the pain and guilt of bad choices leads to weakness and death.

Becoming a better, and in some ways a different person, is victory over your previous self and terrible choices.

I will tell you that the pain and remembrance never goes totally away. That is actually a good thing.

It is a healthy reminder to never go there again.

You can mitigate the pain by changing yourself for the better but it will always be there.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Allowing guilt to eat at you does not allow you to give your best to him.


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

I'm eight years into R now. I am one of the few here who stayed.


Listen shame and guilt focuses an you. Contrition and remorse focuses on your husband.
I know some people who struggle with BP have obsessive issues. This might be something you need to work through with your IC.
I think anyone in R has to come to a point where. I did it. It was wrong. Now let me deal with it as a mature individual. Your hangup might be a codependency or immature coping mechanism that didn't get addresses. It could be part of your reason why you cheated. This is also something to explore in IC.
There comes a point where you know your limitations as a person. Thats part of growing up. You don't feel ashamed but accept that its just the way you are. You place boundaries and take responsibility as an adult should. You deal with it. If your using all this energy to feel sorry for yourself then how can you do what you need to do?
Forgiveness. Is a big word. Means alot of differnt things to alot of differnt people. Write a letter to yourself. In it specifically list all of the things you did and stuff you aren't proud of. Let yourself know you won't forget but you get you were in a bad place doing bad things. You will let that person go and say goodbye. 
Then immediately start Journaling your journey forward letting yourself know what your doing better and how much joy you can share with your husband. 
You can also journal about hiccups I. Your journey but that can't be the focus. Identify your boundaries. Keep them. Be happy in them and enjoy the journey you have left with your loving husband. 
Remember life is to short to waste on thinking about what you didn't do right. Just don't forget and focus on the joy that your bringing into your life and love your sharing with your husband. 

Dont rugsweep it. Deal with it as it needs to be dealt with but that active responsibility ot passive.

Hope this helps


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

What has your therapist told you about this?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> That your husband chose you over what was out there, should soften the self loathing you have. Even though through the divorce, you paid the price for your betrayal, it is normal to still feel guilt and shame for what you did. You love him so much that it still bothers you that you crushed this man. In time, the shame and guilt will lessen as you see through the life that you two are enjoying, that you’re making him happy and that he has completely accepted you. It will just take time. It can’t be rushed.
> 
> As for forgiving yourself; is that something you think you can do or even want to do? All this talk about forgiving yourself doesn’t make sense because forgiveness comes from the one that you’ve wronged. Through his actions, your husband is showing you that he has forgiven you. I believe that the guilt and shame that you feel is part of the price one pays for their transgressions.
> 
> Also, I would think that your husband seeing that you still feel guilt, as proof that he has a remorseful wife. If you were like, oh, I’ve forgiven myself and we’re all good, that he might subconsciously doubt the sincerity of your remorse. I’m not saying being a martyr for life but there is some balance in these things.





Imnobodynew said:


> I'm eight years into R now. I am one of the few here who stayed.
> 
> 
> Listen shame and guilt focuses an you. Contrition and remorse focuses on your husband.
> ...


Thank you again for the great advice. But I journal daily and have for the last 5 years. It is part of my daily routine along with journaling and charting my moods. And I am not wallowing in shame all the time...but more than I think is healthy. It is usually the result of several factors coming into play at once. I know how selfish it is of me. I want to get to a point where I can look in the mirror and say "I am a good person who did a bad thing" and "I can move forward and be the best me possible". And I am getting there even if it is not as quickly as I would like. We have been reconciling for 18 months now and things are going very well.

I am getting there but I can always use advice from people with a lot more experience with R than we have. So thanks!


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> What has your therapist told you about this?


That I seem to be holding onto the shame as a way of punishing myself for the affair. She may be right.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

God is great at helping us to forgive, whether that is others or ourselves. I have had to forgive some pretty big stuff.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> God is great at helping us to forgive, whether that is others or ourselves. I have had to forgive some pretty big stuff.


Thank you. But I am afraid that neither of us are believers anymore. But the thought is very welcome. My sweet husband has had to forgive a really big thing. And has given me a precious gift.

Warm Regards


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABiolarWife said:


> Thank you. But I am afraid that neither of us are believers anymore. But the thought is very welcome. My sweet husband has had to forgive a really big thing. And has given me a precious gift.
> 
> Warm Regards


Yes he has, but because he has forgiven you and thought you were worth forgiving, you have to accept what he has done and do the same for yourself. Otherwise his forgiveness is wasted.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he has, but because he has forgiven you and thought you were worth forgiving, you have to accept what he has done and do the same for yourself. Otherwise his forgiveness is wasted.


You are very right. And I want to waste NOTHING of this second, miraculous chance I have gotten. I've a lot to atone for. But am determined to do so to the very best of my ability. And that includes forgiving myself, losing the shame (while not forgetting the reason for it) and moving forward with the love of my life.

Thank you


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

One thing not yet mentioned is that you need to be prepared for handling reminders of your fall.

Every time you see a movie with infidelity in it, you are both going to revisit your past, even if you say nothing about it. Every conversation where someone mentions what a complete **** someone they know is because of an affair, you're going to revisit your pain and your failure to live up to your ideals. Don't spiral into obsessive thoughts about how you have destroyed your relationship, use it as an unexpected reminder to stay the course - especially for you, with bipolar disorder, who absolutely knows that the temptation to do this will come again. 

You may also, depending on circumstances, wonder at times why your spouse took you back in the first place. This may not be such a stretch for you, since you were already divorced and actually had to remarry, but some may wonder if they were just a port of last resort, a lazy partner's resignation, or a financial security system too important to let go. Trust your husband's answer.

The special advice I would give you would be to treat this like alcoholism. You are very, very likely to get manic again some time in your life going forward. Have a buddy who is familiar with your past that you can call to talk you off the ledge and come to your aid if you feel yourself slipping away again.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@BiolarWife in one of you posts you said that you paid dearly for you affair, you lost your marriage and kids!
So how did your kids take your affair and divorce? Are they happy for the reconciliation?


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Cletus said:


> One thing not yet mentioned is that you need to be prepared for handling reminders of your fall.
> 
> Every time you see a movie with infidelity in it, you are both going to revisit your past, even if you say nothing about it. Every conversation where someone mentions what a complete **** someone they know is because of an affair, you're going to revisit your pain and your failure to live up to your ideals. Don't spiral into obsessive thoughts about how you have destroyed your relationship, use it as an unexpected reminder to stay the course - especially for you, with bipolar disorder, who absolutely knows that the temptation to do this will come again.
> 
> ...


Thank you. We are both doing pretty well with triggers. And I have learned to recognize when he is triggered and I immediately touch him and ask what he needs. And apologize for hurting him so badly. We get through them together.

And I have very strong boundaries in place with others. And am always on guard with men and women (I am bi) to make sure it does not even drift towards inappropriate. Plus we both have quit all social media. That has been surprising to us both. We do not miss it and we are happier overall without it.

Thanks again.


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## ABiolarWife (8 mo ago)

Kaliber said:


> @BiolarWife in one of you posts you said that you paid dearly for you affair, you lost your marriage and kids!
> So how did your kids take your affair and divorce? Are they happy for the reconciliation?


Thankfully I have been able to repair my relationship with our children. And they are very happy about the reconciliation. Almost as happy as I am!


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

ABiolarWife said:


> How do you learn to forgive yourself post affair? I am really struggling badly with guilt and shame. I think back to how I treated him during the affair and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I am so ashamed of myself. And the guilt on top of that is just eating away at me.
> 
> I need solid advice. Especially from any former waywards who will understand what I am going through.
> 
> Help!


Jesus can help you with that. Leave it all at the cross, go on and enjoy your life. Every day is precious and continued remorse can take years off of your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ABiolarWife said:


> How do you learn to forgive yourself post affair? I am really struggling badly with guilt and shame. I think back to how I treated him during the affair and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I am so ashamed of myself. And the guilt on top of that is just eating away at me.
> 
> I need solid advice. Especially from any former waywards who will understand what I am going through.
> 
> Help!


Sometimes we need help from an external source. God if you have a faith. Or there are counsellors who can help you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat says: "Not only a Zombie thread, but someone who didn't read the posting rules before they started to advertise their services. Bad kitten!"


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