# Causes of Broken Marriages



## fest-1 (Mar 16, 2011)

What is the greatest Challenge or Problem that causes broken marriages? Need your ideas, please.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Communication.

Other than that I think its about even between: feeling respected, wanted for who you are, listened to, understood, sex, feeling connected, and a large number of others. Most of those are largely affect by communication.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Marrying a dolt.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Loss of sexual attraction is probably a huge one. It manifests itself in other problems and breeds indifference or resentment in marriage, both of which are killers.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Spending too much time away from each other. 

Become offended easily and makes it difficult to communicate. 

Expect perfection from the other one. When we marry a person, we know very well he has good qualities, and bad personality traits. Some people just focus on the bad ones. The more you want to change the other one, the more frustrated you both become. 

Complaining and nagging really makes the other one feel annoyed, and it doesn't help the situation. The more complaining and nagging you do, the more damage you do about your marriage and your own popularity. 

Some people take the other one for granted, and think you deserve their giving just because of the rings and certificates, it is a very wrong attitude to have, both of the man and woman have to share the responsibilities in a marriage.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I'd have to say communication as well.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

No communication + no sex = broken


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Complacency in the relationship, resulting in noncommunication, and then dishonesty. Big marriage killers.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Complacency in the relationship, resulting in noncommunication, and then dishonesty. Big marriage killers.


:iagree: too


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Addiction, adultery, abuse.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Unreasonable expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Underlying personality issues - borderline personality disorder (1st exw), narcissism, OCD, depression and poor communication - in particular failure to listen, and failure to respect your spouse's concerns (stbxw). 

My GF, a MSW, LCSW and counselor to truly mentally ill people for many years, says - "I can't believe your stbx let you go - she must be crazy".

The GF might be a little crazy herself, but that's another issue. 

As for me I'm not sure if crazy is the right word to describe me, a desire for very good sex and lots of expressed appreciation with emotional intimacy are essential to this man.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The list is endless really ... Top 3 

#1 *Sex *-Mismatched Libidos - lazy lovers, frigid lovers , wham bam lovers, rejecting spouses, Moms sleeping with the kids, etc 

#2 *Finances* - if a poor Spender marries another Poor spender, the Hell of bill collecting awaits & living from run down dive to another. If a Saver marries a spender, the Fighting begins. 

#3 *Communication* -If a Silent Treatment partner marries one who can't live like that, it creates anger in one , resentment in the other. 

Physical abuse, Mental abuse, Unforgiveness, keeping secrets from each other, Addictions, debilitating Depression, various mental illnesses, complacency leading to total boredom, Loss of physical attraction, not fullfilling the others Love languages , Religious differences, Toxic inlaws, Putting others before your spouse, Workaholicism, a severe Mid Life Crisis, and the list goes on....


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

because they give up trying.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> No communication + no sex = broken


:iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The biggy for me was unresolved conflicts over decades that led to bitterness and resentment. 

This is what happened to me …. 
“Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior. Men in particular (but women too) become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and "flooded"; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful”.
I got well and truly flooded, the emotional pain became simply too much to bear and I’d have done most anything not to be in pain like that anymore or ever again.

The following from Predictable Patterns of Marriage Breakdown - Relationship Problems – Tools to Build and Maintain a Healthy Marriage describes my marriage breakdown exceptionally well.

_Predictable patterns of marriage breakdown 

There is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur. Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labelled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse". 

The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Couples that get into trouble find themselves in conflicts that they cannot resolve or compromise upon to both party's satisfaction. Such disagreements can be caused by any number of reasons, but might involve a clash of spousal values on core topics such as whether to have children, or how to handle money. 

Frequently, couples assume that misunderstandings are at the root of their conflicts. "If my spouse really understood why I act as I do, he or she would agree with me and go along with what I want", is a commonly overheard refrain. Acting on this belief, spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn't work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one's position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset. 

In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse's attitudes about their partner change for the worse. For example, initially each spouse may have mostly positive regard for their partner and be willing to write off any 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior their partner acts out as a transient, uncommon stress-related event. However, as 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior is observed again and again, spouses get frustrated, start to regard their partner as actually being a 'bad' or 'stupid' person, and begin to treat their partner accordingly. Importantly, the 'bad' behavior that the spouse demonstrates doesn't have to be something he or she actually does. Instead, it could be something that he or she doesn't do, that the spouse expects them to do (such as rembering to put the toilet seat down after use).

Conflict by itself doesn't predict marriage problems. Some couples fight a lot but somehow never manage to lose respect for each other. Once contempt sets in, however, the marriage is on shaky ground. Feelings of contempt for one's spouse are a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown, no matter how subtlety they are displayed. In a famous study, Gottman was able to predict with over 80% accuracy the future divorces of multiple couples he and his team observed based on subtle body language cues suggesting contemptuous feelings (such as dismissive eye-rolling). Contempt doesn't have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one's relationship. 

Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior. Men in particular (but women too) become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and "flooded"; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful.

Over time, partners learn to expect that they are 'gridlocked'; that they cannot resolve their differences, and that any attempts at resolution will result in further overwhelm, hurt or disappointment. Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her. 

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict._

Bob


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