# Tired of wife's controlling behaviors



## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

Hey everyone,

First time poster here…please bear with me as I think this post is gonna be a bit long.

The short of it all is that I’m very tired of my wife’s controlling behaviors. I feel like I’m at my wits end. We’ve been married a little bit over 13 years now (with 2 small children). At the beginning of the relationship, I thought she was just a bit demanding or assertive or whatever else you might want to call it. However, looking back on it all now, I can see the pattern of controlling behavior quite clearly. I don’t know what to do about it.

The largest example of this behavior is our finances. She is in full control of them. One article I read online would describe her as a ‘financial bully.’ We have one checking account and both of our salaries get deposited there (an arrangement of her choosing, of course). She pretty much decides how the money is divided up, how/when bills are paid, how much money to save, etc. I do get to look at the financial records with her, though, but any decision making is squarely in her court and I’m only presented with the illusion of any sort of choice in the matter.

I get hassled over some of my activity on the account (nothing abusive or reckless, mind you). Meanwhile, she can pretty much spend whatever she wants, but I don’t hassle her in the same way. I’ve wanted to switch us over to a ‘3 checking account system (2 individual and 1 joint) for a while now. When I mentioned it, she freaked out and basically told me that it would be a seriously major problem for her if that happened (relationship-ending problem, as I interpreted it). It’s money I earn, so I feel like I should have a larger say in its usage.

In the past, I’ve also offered to take over doing the finances. She works a lot and I thought the stress was getting to her, but she didn’t want to let go of doing it. Clearly, she either likes having that control or doesn’t trust me to do it ‘properly’.

Other examples of controlling behavior:

She likes to basically tell me ‘no’ all the time. If I ask to go hang out with some co-workers for an hour or so after work…I hear ‘no’. My friend at work laughed at me the other day and said that my wife doesn’t ever let me out. So I don’t even do that anymore.

I used to sometimes go workout after work a couple of days a week, but I’ve basically been denied from doing that because she doesn’t like to be left alone with the kids for any longer than she has to (even though I watch them on my own very often because of her busy work schedule).

If I want to buy something…also a ’no’. This has changed somewhat recently. Sometimes, she won’t say ‘no’ directly anymore but instead use a guilt trip to ‘convince’ me not to buy something. Even recently, I asked about purchasing something and she said ‘no’ because we needed to save money. The next day I get home from work, I see a department store shopping bag sitting on the couch with purses in them. I was so mad, but I didn’t say anything.

She gives me the remote control after flipping channels, then I put something I want to watch on, and she complains about it until I change it to something she wants to watch. Lately, I’ve just given the remote back to her.

She tells me that I’m not ‘allowed’ to change jobs if I wanted to. What does it matter if I get a new job? I don’t switch them often, I’m responsible, and I’d never do anything to put our family in financial jeopardy. It shouldn’t matter to her where I work as long as I’m meeting my obligations.

She even exhibits this type of behavior with her other family members (siblings and parents), often telling them what they can and can’t do.

She’s also extremely jealous, something I admit that she’s gotten better about, but it still surfaces from time to time. I’ve never cheated during my entire marriage, so I don’t understand that.

I feel back for not noticing these things sooner. It’s taken me a lot longer to notice the pattern that I would care to admit, but there you have it. I also know that I’m partially to blame, as I should have been more vocal and assertive, but I never did that. I guess I was scared of angering her or of her leaving.

I’m not even sure about how I feel about her anymore. I do have some affection towards her, but love? I don’t know anymore. I’m not even excited or happy to see her when she or I get home. Maybe it’s in there somewhere, but I feel like it’s buried under a bunch of resentment and frustration. I think if I were childless, I would have left already. But I love my kids immensely and can’t imagine being without them, so I feel like I’m in a bit of a bind.

So…I don’t know what to do or even how to approach her with the subject. Financial counseling? Marriage counseling? Divorce? What’s best for me and the kids? So many questions and I feel overwhelmed. If it’s a divorce that’s coming, I don’t want to get raked over the coals (even though she makes a lot more money than I do). I’d probably still end up paying child support and losing custody.

If nothing else, thank you for reading this far and allowing me to vent for a bit. I'm looking for any advice you all could offer because I don't know who else to talk to about this at this point.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Ohh hell no

Open new checking > tell employer of new deposit > tell her from this point on you are contributing 50% of the expenses and ALL finances are completely separate.

Other stuff is just unbelievable and I have no clue how in the world any human being would allow themselves to be in such a position. You really need to take a close look int he mirror and figure out yourself and how you allowed this to happen. Once you do that, learn from it and don't ever let it happen again.

This is not healthy and your children soon be learning from your relationship.....no good at all.

I would start by looking her in the eyes deeply and telling her this is ending TODAY.

If she leaves, hold the door open for her and look forward to a new healthy relationship. 

NO ONE EVER deserves that crap. Sorry


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## blukitten (Apr 29, 2014)

It sounds like you really need to have a discussion with her about this behavior. Give her the examples you gave here and tell her that you do not appreciate it and that it is affecting your relationship with her. 

Try to see if she will compromise with you on the stuff that is really bothering you.

However-- you CANNOT be afraid to make her mad, this is a given, she is going to get mad

you CANNOT be afraid she will leave, this is a very real possibility.

I used to be controlling in some of the same ways you have posted here which caused all kinds of issues in my marriage, I was able to change that behavior so that we could have a better marriage so your wife may be able to change it too. I had to get therapy to help myself realize what I was doing and how to change it but she may not have to do that

If she loves you, she should be willing to let up on most of the stuff and to atleast listen to how you feel about the behavior and how it is affecting your feelings for her.

Be prepared though, if she does it with family as well, that meand she hasnt ever had anyone tell her no, or bring it to her attention and like you said- you are partially to blame by letting her treat you this way. You should never let her tell you no about going out with freinds, atleast once a month, or going to the gym- but you can compromise and do it not everyday- like once a month for boys night or once a week for the gym, but you have to give her time alone as well- without the kids- to do something she enjoys by herself


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

From personal experience and research, controlling behaviors are a coping mechanism against fear and anxiety. Loss of control causes dread in these types of people and nothing matters until the control is established. 

Unfortunately these behaviors cannot be reasoned away, they must recognized these destructive behaviors but from my experience and others your chances are slim unless she goes into counseling. 

You have to be prepared to leave the marriage as most control freaks have a really hard time dropping the addiction to having the illusion of control. I say illusion because at the end of the day complete control is impossible. 

I left my ex wife mainly because of her control issues. I ended up not loving her anymore due to the intense hatred I developed towards her after years of her abusive behavior trying to control me.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Kavidis said:


> I was so mad, but I didn’t say anything.


Right here is your problem. You *allowed* her to treat you like an inferior. Sack up and start taking charge.... You need a wife not a mother.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

waylan said:


> Right here is your problem. You *allowed* her to treat you like an inferior. Sack up and start taking charge.... You need a wife not a mother.


Normally I would agree with you but control freaks just press harder when they lose control and you try to be more assertive.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Were you writing about my mom? She sounds a lot like your wife.

Unfortunately....controlling people are slaves to their controlling spirit. IT's like a drug for them...they need to control or they go nuts. Heck...I told my mom once that she was a very controlling person...and she went totally ballistic...and denied it all. 

What you need to do is set boundaries. IT's going to be hard...they'll make your life miserable, put you on guilt trips and hey....it will be all your fault no matter what. Do not let it get to you...keep your foot down and be stern. 

Best thing for you to do is get your own account going (with your name only) and slowly set money aside each month while you work on your marriage. This way...if she decides to hit the high road out...you have back up money for you to go on until things get settled.

I hope this helps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We teach others how to treat us. You have taught your wife that it's ok for her to be controlling. 

It does not help that her other family members have taught her the same thing.

Now you need to teach her that you will no longer put up with it. It's going to be hard. She might walk.

Do you have access to the checking and savings accounts where she keeps the money?

You need to open new accounts in your name only. Have your check direct deposited into YOUR account.

Then you take over your fair share of the bills. Don't even give her $$ to pay the bills. You pay them. You could either take on 50% of the bills or a % equal to your % of joint income. Say that your joint income is $100,000.. .and she earns $60K and you earn $40K. So you take one only 40% of the bills. Either way works.

If I were you, if you have access to the saving.. withdraw 50% and put it in a savings account on your own.

What else do you do? get into counseling. Marriage counseling if she will go with you. Otherwise get into counseling for yourself.

You would also benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

EleGirl, that is great advice.

I would add that you stop asking for permission to do things outside the home. The only thing you should be asking is if there are already scheduled plans, if not, then go out with your coworkers. Just tell her you're going, no asking like she's your mother.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> EleGirl, that is great advice.
> 
> I would add that you stop asking for permission to do things outside the home. The only thing you should be asking is if there are already scheduled plans, if not, then go out with your coworkers. Just tell her you're going, no asking like she's your mother.


Yep, it seems as though the dynamic is that she's the parent or responsible adult and you're the irresponsible and impetuous child. Obviously, that's got to change because that's not normal or healthy for a marital relationship.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> EleGirl, that is great advice.
> 
> I would add that you stop asking for permission to do things outside the home. The only thing you should be asking is if there are already scheduled plans, if not, then go out with your coworkers. Just tell her you're going, no asking like she's your mother.


I'd like to add as a parent that is very unfair that he just to say "O I'm going out with XXX at XXX." While I am at home with the kids. Make sure she isn't doing anything that day say "are we doing anything on wednesday night ?" If she say no then I'd say "Ok well I am going out with XXX at XXX then." She might start to feel like you are neglecting your relationship if you are going out all the time though so make sure you set up date night with her also and some time with the kids where she can go out with some friends. 

Or if anything tell her you will be going out once a month or week on a day that is good for you to hang out with co-workers and say she can have a day too if she wants. Just make everything seem fair so there isn't more resentment that now will build on her side of the relationship. And when you do start taking control of some things she probably will be mad at first.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen man. Look down. Way, way down. See those pair of testicles?

That means you're a man.

"Wife, I can bloody well spend $5 at starbucks if I want to. And you're going to explain spending $500 on a pair of shoes you don't need."

"Wife, I'm going out with some buddies tonight. That's inconvenient? You'll be fine, I'll be back in a few hours."

"Wife, I'm watching this TV show. You're welcome to join me. Or leave the room. Either way, be quiet about it."

"Wife, I quit my job and have another one lined up. Here's how it impacts you: not at all. It's my life."

*Stop asking for permission.* This puts you in the role of the subordinate.

Heads up tho: don't want to worry you needlessly, but I have to tell you: Wife #1 was very much the same way and I tried to "nice guy" myself out of it. She was also very jealous. Because she was cheating on me at the time and trying to treat me crappy enough that I'd leave her and be the bad guy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

How's the sex?

Does she work?


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## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Sanity said:


> Normally I would agree with you but control freaks just press harder when they lose control and you try to be more assertive.


:iagree:


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## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

First off, thank you all for your comments and advice. It's really helping me with my plan of action and I appreciate your efforts! I also wanted to respond to a few points:



blukitten said:


> Be prepared though, if she does it with family as well, that meand she hasnt ever had anyone tell her no, or bring it to her attention and like you said- you are partially to blame by letting her treat you this way. You should never let her tell you no about going out with freinds, atleast once a month, or going to the gym- but you can compromise and do it not everyday- like once a month for boys night or once a week for the gym, but you have to give her time alone as well- without the kids- to do something she enjoys by herself





waylan said:


> Right here is your problem. You *allowed* her to treat you like an inferior. Sack up and start taking charge.... You need a wife not a mother.





EleGirl said:


> We teach others how to treat us. You have taught your wife that it's ok for her to be controlling.
> 
> It does not help that her other family members have taught her the same thing.


Yeah, I wholeheartedly admit that I contributed to this negative behavior (as has her family). As for going out, I certainly don’t want to do it all the time (especially at the expense of spending time with the family), but being able to go out with friends once a month or to the gym one day out of the week seems very reasonable.



Sanity said:


> Normally I would agree with you but control freaks just press harder when they lose control and you try to be more assertive.


I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of this. Things just escalate, then the guilt trip gets laid on.



EleGirl said:


> You need to open new accounts in your name only. Have your check direct deposited into YOUR account.
> 
> Then you take over your fair share of the bills. Don't even give her $$ to pay the bills. You pay them. You could either take on 50% of the bills or a % equal to your % of joint income. Say that your joint income is $100,000.. .and she earns $60K and you earn $40K. So you take one only 40% of the bills. Either way works.
> 
> If I were you, if you have access to the saving.. withdraw 50% and put it in a savings account on your own.


So out of all of the advice I’ve received so far, this one is the scariest for me. On one hand, I know I need to get a better grip on the finances, but I feel like this might be ‘the nuclear option’. On the other hand, maybe nothing else short of this is going to actually work. I wanted to try and talking to her about my feelings first vs. just springing this new situation on her, but that might not be a good idea, either.



EleGirl said:


> What else do you do? get into counseling. Marriage counseling if she will go with you. Otherwise get into counseling for yourself.
> 
> You would also benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".


Thanks for the book suggestions. I’ll go grab those today (hard copies that I’ll keep at work). 



soccermom2three said:


> EleGirl, that is great advice.
> 
> I would add that you stop asking for permission to do things outside the home. The only thing you should be asking is if there are already scheduled plans, if not, then go out with your coworkers. Just tell her you're going, no asking like she's your mother.





waylan said:


> Right here is your problem. You *allowed* her to treat you like an inferior. Sack up and start taking charge.... You need a wife not a mother.





marduk said:


> *Stop asking for permission.* This puts you in the role of the subordinate.


Message received. I’m far too passive for my own good. It’s something I need to work on.



TurtleRun said:


> I'd like to add as a parent that is very unfair that he just to say "O I'm going out with XXX at XXX." While I am at home with the kids. Make sure she isn't doing anything that day say "are we doing anything on wednesday night ?" If she say no then I'd say "Ok well I am going out with XXX at XXX then." She might start to feel like you are neglecting your relationship if you are going out all the time though so make sure you set up date night with her also and some time with the kids where she can go out with some friends.
> 
> Or if anything tell her you will be going out once a month or week on a day that is good for you to hang out with co-workers and say she can have a day too if she wants. Just make everything seem fair so there isn't more resentment that now will build on her side of the relationship. And when you do start taking control of some things she probably will be mad at first.


Turtle, I completely understand and I’m not advocating doing those activities in excess. My main complaint is that I can’t seem to be able to do them AT ALL. In my house, it’s actually the oppose situation a lot of times. I am the one to stay at home with the kids and she gets to go out and do what she wants.




Machiavelli said:


> How's the sex?
> 
> Does she work?


Sex is good when it happens. And yes, she works (more than I do, actually).


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## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

Also, I wanted to add that I plan on invoking "Project Squirrel" (you know, squirrels...retrieving nuts? Too corny? Ah nevermind... ) when we get back from a family vacation that starts next week. I don't think rocking the boat until we get back from that is a good idea.

I do feel like I should at least talk about some of my feelings with her before invoking the checking account plan (which would not be part of that discussion). Still undecided about this...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kavidis said:


> Also, I wanted to add that I plan on invoking "Project Squirrel" (you know, squirrels...retrieving nuts? Too corny? Ah nevermind... ) when we get back from a family vacation that starts next week. I don't think rocking the boat until we get back from that is a good idea.
> 
> I do feel like I should at least talk about some of my feelings with her before invoking the checking account plan (which would not be part of that discussion). Still undecided about this...


Being willing to wait to rock the boat betrays your true feelings.

You only get one life, what are you waiting for?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds a bit like my husband in ways, especially that he has to control all the finances. You do have choice though, it is not all about what she decides. Have you ever voiced that? My husband and I have separate accounts. He is responsible for certain bills and I am responsible for certain things. We do have a mutual account and that's where groceries and the like are paid from. This has helped us with the financial conflicts. He is still obsessed, I would eve say OCD with the accounts but he does not go into my stuff.

I think you need to talk to your wife about the areas that you feel are a problem and if she will not listen to you I would suggest marriage counseling so the two of you can work this thru together.


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## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

So there was a 'flare up' this morning. I've decided to just go ahead and have the conversation with her tonight. I don't have any expectations of immediate changes, but I am going to talk about how I feel about her behavior as well as the prospects for marriage and financial counseling.

Thanks again to everyone on this thread.  I hope to be able to return the favor to some others posting here as well. :smthumbup:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not discuss changing the financial set-up. Just do it. What's she going to do - revoke your privileges?

You have a right to some enjoyment in your life, too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kavidis said:


> So there was a 'flare up' this morning. I've decided to just go ahead and have the conversation with her tonight. I don't have any expectations of immediate changes, but I am going to talk about how I feel about her behavior as well as the prospects for marriage and financial counseling.
> 
> Thanks again to everyone on this thread.  I hope to be able to return the favor to some others posting here as well. :smthumbup:


Remember a good rule of thumb when your wife blows her top and you know you're right:

Go do something freakin' awesome.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Kavidis said:


> Sex is good when it happens.


So, frequency is unsatisfactory.

Personally, I believe that where women are the target, actions speak louder than words. You are clearly not wearing the pants in the marriage. If you do take the usually fruitless path of having a "big relationship talk," I wish you luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> So, frequency is unsatisfactory.
> 
> Personally, I believe that where women are the target, actions speak louder than words. You are clearly not wearing the pants in the marriage. If you do take the usually fruitless path of having a "big relationship talk," I wish you luck.


It's funny how awesome our sex life became when my wife pulled her head out of her behind and realized that other women were literally lined up ready to provide what she would not.

Amazing how quickly things turned around in the sack...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So Kavidis, how did the conversation go?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Kavidis said:


> I’m not even sure about how I feel about her anymore. I do have some affection towards her, but love? I don’t know anymore. I’m not even excited or happy to see her when she or I get home. Maybe it’s in there somewhere, but I feel like it’s buried under a bunch of resentment and frustration. I think if I were childless, I would have left already. But I love my kids immensely and can’t imagine being without them, so I feel like I’m in a bit of a bind.
> 
> So…I don’t know what to do or even how to approach her with the subject.


 See the above? That's what you need to do. Sit her down and tell her what you just said in the above statement.

Your problem is that you let this go on for your entire marriage and what was once a vice is now a habit and you let it happen.

The only way your going to dig yourself out of this hole is by letting her know that she is pushing you to the edge and any more and one of you two is going to fall off into a large abyss.

Marriage is a two way street and everything in the marriage is a compromise and so far it's her way or no way.

How you break someone out of a thirteen year habit is going to be hard but it needs to be done or your your either going to continue like it is or be single.

Time to say no once in a while and if she gets pissed then so be it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

6301 said:


> Time to say no once in a while and if she gets pissed then so be it.


I agree. I really don't see all the tap-dancing around issues just because she might get p*ssed off.

I would simply announce that you are now going to be involved in the finances. Period. Drag out the checkbook, all the bills, all the financial statements, etc. and come up with a system that makes sense for both of you. If she gets mad, let her.

All of the other issues just stem from her generally not being a nice person. You have to decide if you want to live with someone who treats you this way.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

OP separate the bank accounts, and pay your portion of the bills. Next get yourself into therapy, offer her a chance at MC or suggest IC for her. There is no way you deserve this treatment. 

If she gets mad and upset there is not much you can do about that. But do not be afraid to take positive steps for yourself.


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## Kavidis (Apr 30, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> So Kavidis, how did the conversation go?


Hey everyone! Sorry I've been gone for a few days, but it's been pretty hectic these last few days with the kids, uncomfortable conversation aside. 

I wanted to give you all an update on what was going on with my other half after "the talk."

So I did end up having the conversation with my wife late last week. I laid everything out there...how I was feeling in general, which controlling behaviors I did not like, gave her some concrete examples of those behaviors, etc. It was pretty uncomfortable for the both of us, but we made it through it. We probably talked/argued/cried back and forth for a couple of hours.

At one point, I was pretty sure we were gonna divorce right then and there. In particular, during the discussion, she angrily gave me our finance book and told me "fine, you go ahead and do the finances then! (that, of course, being contrary to the whole idea of "doing them together")" Finally, I said that we didn't need to have a solution right then and there and that I just wanted to express my feelings and basically lay all the cards out on the table. She was pretty upset about this, insisting that we needed to have a solution right then and there, but I didn't cave and told her that we needed to settle down a bit before we could make any real progress.

The next day, she talked about this with her mom and that seemed to help calm her down some more, because her mom was basically agreeing with me. Her mom basically told her that I would probably leave if this type of behavior kept on going. I guess hearing it from two different people helped. The rest of the weekend was calm and settled and we were civil, even sometimes pleasant, towards one another.

Monday came and I decided to work from home that day since she was off. We went out to lunch together, talked some more, and generally had a great time. I told her that I was also to blame for this because I've been far too passive in the relationship and I didn't express myself sooner. She also mentioned that she really didn't like doing the finances all by herself (which, honestly, surprised the hell out of me). 

Afterwards, I told her that there *absolutely will* be changes coming to the way we manage our finances, but that I would do my best to at least consider her feelings when coming up with a new strategy.

I'm leaning towards the 2 separate/1 joint account setup, but I need to sit down, do some numbers, and figure out our financial 'workflow' before implementing anything final. She has told me that she doesn't like the idea of separate accounts because she feels like the money is no longer "ours" and that our unity is somehow threatened by this. I understand that point, but I haven't felt like the money was "ours" for a very long time.

So...I'm hoping things are on the right path now. We have a large vacation starting tomorrow, so I'm not implementing any financial changes until we get back. I still plan on going to some IC, personally. She was adamantly against MC and FC when I first mentioned it last week, but when things settle, I think she'll be more open to those things.

Ultimately, I told her that I wanted to make these changes because I do love her and I just want our relationship to be better and healthier for the both of us. I said that if I didn't care about her, I would not be willing to put forth this effort.

So guys and gals, I can't say it enough. Once again, please accept my most sincere gratitude for all the help and advice. It has really made a difference for me (and now I know that I'm not 'crazy'). 

I'll have another update when I get back from vacation. For now, take care!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Kavadis, you really need to read this book. It hasn't got much to do with sex, but how to get your wife to worship you appropriately and willingly submit to your leadership.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Kavadis, you really need to read this book. It hasn't got much to do with sex, but how to get your wife to worship you appropriately and willingly submit to your leadership.


Cue angry radical feminist rant.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Controlling behavior? Prisoners have more rights. Glad you are standing up for yours. Don't waiver and follow through in case she is just testing to see if you fail in your resolve. Great job


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