# Career or kids?



## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

First I'd just like to say hello to everyone. I'm new here and engaged to be married next January. My fiance and I have discussed expectations and future plans very thoroughly but reading these threads has been great to help me continue to bring up questions like "what would we do if..." "how will we handle it if such-and-such comes up".

One thing we're trying to decide on is when to have children. I know nothing in life ever goes according to plan but I still think it's important to have one. 

Long story short, I won't be finished with my degrees until I'm 28. I think that'd be a great time to start growing our family but it's important to me that I'm home with the children until at least pre-school. My schooling (and hopefully my future career) is based in foreign languages. Taking such a long break between studying and starting a career would truly hurt my chances of getting to use these languages which I'm so passionate about.

Everyone says these days that you can have a family AND a career but I don't see how I can do that without compromising one or the other. Are my only options A)to work while raising children, B)wait until late thirties to start a family, or C)settle for starting my career later (which will mean it's probably not in the field I love)? I would really love to hear from other women who had to make these tough decisions. Can anyone think a little more outside the box for me?

One last note, there's absolutely nothing wrong with starting a family much later or working while raising children, I just know both of those circumstances cause added stress and I am fortunate to not have to take that on. My fiance has a great job and only wants what I want. He has said if I want to have kids immediately and stay home I could. He even said he'd stay home with the kids so I could work, but I'm selfish and I want it all. I want to pursue this career I've dreamed about AND I want to be around for those exciting first few years of my children's lives.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Looking back over this a few times I knew something wasn't right. It wasn't truly reflecting my feelings and I finally figured out why. The truth of the matter is I CAN have both, it just means waiting longer to have kids than I feel like I want to. See, I spent my entire life watching my mother make sacrifice after sacrifice for me and all I could think was that if that's what having kids was about then I didn't want any part of it.

But now with marriage on my doorstep I've thought about it more and more and realized I really do want children. I WANT to make sacrifices for them and I'm in a much better position than my wonderful mother ever was. Since I'd never considered the option before, this has opened up all kinds of doors for me and parts of myself I didn't know were there- it's all very new and intriguing and exciting.

But just because I'm excited by this "new" idea of having children, doesn't mean I have to have kids RIGHT NOW. The more I let the idea sink in the more I still want a while to have my soon-to-be-hubby to myself. So truly, I can have both- I just need to stop thinking like a giddy little girl.

So for anyone who bothered to read, I just thought you should know my small dilemma is solved. And I would still like to hear any stories you have about making these kind of career vs. children decisions.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

All I can tell you is that if you want to you can, my H and me made a decision about 5 years ago, that one of us should be home more with the girls, because at the time I was making more $$ he quit his full time job, found a part-time were he could have the hours we need it and he stayed home with the girls, they love it and we were happy. Now things have change and he had to go back to full time work, the girls have missed the fact the was a phone call away when they forgot something but in general the adjusted back to normal. 

You can have both as long as you organize yourself and give equeal time to the family and owrk, always remember that family should be your priority and work should not interfere. If the kids are sick, have a school play or need you for something you should be flexible to say OK, I will not go to the office today or I go for 4 hours and come back on time for the kids.

Good Luck


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

My wife was 16 for son, and 18 for daughter.

We have been married for 28 yrs.

My wife became grandma at 40.

Children is the top priorty.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

KMDillon,

I would at least get going in your early 30's if not sooner. You wait too far into your 30's and you may be looking at infertility. Not trying to scare you, but you should at least keep that in mind as a possibility. Your degree will be had sooner or later.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

KMdillion

My wife and I dated 7 years before marriage, we went to ciollege in different states.

Our priority was Finish our "schooling" then get married and have a family.

We both have well paying professional jobs with large companies and great benefits, not having to struggle with our economics is a great way.

We have three children, we go on vacation twice a year and the kids play sports year round.

Kids cost allot of $$$ having your degree's and good jobs, makes the stress of life easier.

But for the record, our children come before our career advancement.

I was offered a promotion in another state, my wife and daughter, rejected the idea of the move, so I turned down the promotion and I am taking a lateral move in the same building later in the year.

your Happiness is defined by you, not us.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you can have both. i did and stil do. i completed my training 93 -march 96 . i worked as a nurse on the ward. i caught pregnant aug 96 and worked through full time on that pregnancy. 
so i continued my learning skills. remember you can have a 42 week pregnancy, if the docs let you go over. 

i returned to work full time re-establishing my role. go back to something you know, its easier , as you know your job and you can adjust to being a mother better. feb 08 i then changed my career direction for theatres and my second son was born in may 2000. then i reduced my hours and have changed them accordingly over the years. i have been in theatres for 11 yrs and im happy with my job.

i would say that for my first son, family were the be all and end all. my son was for his first yr with his grandparents and not in day care. i believe i would have been a stay at home mum, if this was the case . childcare or me at home and it would have been me.
and no i didnt miss out on my sons first n e thing, despite working 37.5 hrs a week at the time. i was there for his first word, walking etc. but the impact my in laws had was amazing, the best i could ask for.
when my second came along. in laws were older and to tired. so they had the children for half days, rather than full.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Sounds like you are in a good position to have what you want. My advice to you is to finish your career and enjoy a few years of married life together before you bring children into the picture. I had my first while still getting my ph.d. and it was HARD finishing ... took me three times the time and it was a very frustrating process to go to school while raising a little one (and then two little ones since I had both my kids back to back).

We also had our first child within a year of being married (two years dating prior) and I can tell you that it would've been nice to settle into married life a bit longer. Children are a stressor to the marriage and the more you have ironed out the kinks of new matrimony, the better.

Finally, in terms of career vs. full-time stay at home mom, it really comes down to personal preference, values and your temperament. In my opinion, however, having some work part-time is the best balance, as it allows you to remain connected to your professional passions, to be intellectually stimulated and to have more adult interactions. I've been a full-time stay at home mom and can tell you that it is hard when it's so all-consuming because you don't get that break from the kids that lets you feel creative and productive ... that's, of course, assuming it's work that you are passionate about. But I know plenty of happy full-time stay at home moms and plenty of happy working moms - I think it's hard to know which will satisfy you most (and which will help you be the best kind of mom you can be) until you have kids.


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