# Soul Mates



## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

Do you feel you have a "soul mate" (for lack of a better word) that's not your spouse. Someone that you had a tremendously deep connection with, that never diminished or turned out to be less with time, but that the timing/circumstances were wrong and prevented you from being together? This is in no regards to the love you feel for your spouse, marital problems or the lack of them, etc. Just ultimately a stronger connection?

How do you cope with that?

ETA: This could be someone that you met prior to your spouse, and does not necessarily involve an affair.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

No, I don't believe in soulmates. But I did when I got married at 22 and was getting divorced at 32. I think that type of thinking is, frankly, immature and unrealistic.

We meet many people who we have some level of connection with, some stronger than others, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are the best person for us. Sometimes there is strong physical chemistry but a lack of shared values and lifestyle compatability. 

I think when you are married and longing for "the one that got away", that is an excuse not to put work into yourself and your marriage. It's easier to fantasize about someone else when they aren't there to show you all sides of them....the not-so-good sides that only come out in all long term relationships.

So no, I don't believe in love at first sight or soul mates. But do I think I belong with my husband? Absolutely.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Well said, Laurae. It makes me think of all the fairytales we grew up. She married her prince and they lived happily ever after. That's not the whole story. Every relationship has highs and lows and requires work to keep it alive. To think that if you were with that "one", your life would be perfect is unrealistic. You make your own happiness and hopefully, share it with someone who loves you and puts up with your crap-lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nope.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

I think you misunderstood me. I was referring to a connection, not issues within your marriage, not a "perfect fix", fanatasizing, or longing for the "one that got away". Just a connection you've had with another person that could have been stronger than the connection you have with your spouse that simply never diminished with time.

I used the word soulmate for lack of a better word, I was not insinuating love at first sight or a fairy tale romance. 

This may be too touchy or personal a topic for this forum, if so I apologize.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Not at all. I think it is right along the lines of this forum. 

I know what you mean. But I figure that why do you have to be married to this person? Why not just have a strong friendship? Of course, if you end up in love with this other person and it diminishes your love for your spouse...then you may want to consider leaving...but I would go for the friendship first if you could. Sometimes, though, the mind can trick you into thinking this other person would be better for you. Especially if something is lacking in your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't believe in soulmates. At all. I think its a crock. I believe you can have connections but thevery word 'soulmate' to me is ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

I believe in soulmates but not in a romantic way. I think very rarely people are lucky enough to find the perfect match to their soul in the opposite sex or if they do it is so farfetched that it will be an instant attraction full of passion and fire. It is more likely that u will not be sexually attracted to your real soulmate bc sexual attraction would keep you from learning what you're supposed to learn from them. Soulmate is someone you've lived many lives with. You've been circling around each other for every life you've ever lived. You understand each other, you have a deep unbreakable connection,and you feel lost when they aren't around somehow. You learn from them and they learn from you. You continue living lives with them bc you still have things to teach each other and you still have wrongs to right with each other. A soulmate can be anyone. A friend,a parent, teacher, anyone. And their role in your life is different from one life to the next.I think it's hilarious when a man and a woman declare themselves as soulmates when they don't even know their true soulmate has likely been hovering somewhere in their lives since the day they were born. This Romeo and Juliet soulmate bull**** is so irritating and builds unreasonable expectations of what love and marriage is all about. Obviously those who don't subscribe to one having multiple lives arent going to agree with me and that's ok. If we all believed the same things the world would be a boring place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I believe in soulmates but not in a romantic way. I think very rarely people are lucky enough to find the perfect match to their soul in the opposite sex or if they do it is so farfetched that it will be an instant attraction full of passion and fire. It is more likely that u will not be sexually attracted to your real soulmate bc sexual attraction would keep you from learning what you're supposed to learn from them. Soulmate is someone you've lived many lives with. You've been circling around each other for every life you've ever lived. You understand each other, you have a deep unbreakable connection,and you feel lost when they aren't around somehow. You learn from them and they learn from you. You continue living lives with them bc you still have things to teach each other and you still have wrongs to right with each other. A soulmate can be anyone. A friend,a parent, teacher, anyone. And their role in your life is different from one life to the next.I think it's hilarious when a man and a woman declare themselves as soulmates when they don't even know their true soulmate has likely been hovering somewhere in their lives since the day they were born. This Romeo and Juliet soulmate bull**** is so irritating and builds unreasonable expectations of what love and marriage is all about. Obviously those who don't subscribe to one having multiple lives arent going to agree with me and that's ok. If we all believed the same things the world would be a boring place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The books by Dr. Brian Weiss do an excellent job of explaining all of this. It has to do with people who come into our life having a familiarity about them. For example, meeting a stranger for the first time and feeling drawn to them. Sometimes it even feels like you've known them all of your life.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

If you want specific input tailored to exactly what you meant by your post then post specific details. A vague few sentences was all you posted. There was no detail as there was in your last response lashing out at everyone. It isn't fair to expect everyone to respond the way you think they should respond if your post is leading and unclear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

827Aug said:


> The books by Dr. Brian Weiss do an excellent job of explaining all of this. It has to do with people who come into our life having a familiarity about them. For example, meeting a stranger for the first time and feeling drawn to them. Sometimes it even feels like you've known them all of your life.


Exactly! I discovered this view while reading on various religions ...I think I was on the Hindu stage of my reading. I was completely taken in by that school of thought when it comes to explaining soul mates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> If you want specific input tailored to exactly what you meant by your post then post specific details. A vague few sentences was all you posted. There was no detail as there was in your last response lashing out at everyone. It isn't fair to expect everyone to respond the way you think they should respond if your post is leading and unclear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't realize I would need to give a detailed background - the original question was innocent and I clearly stated this had nothing to do with a spouse, marital issues, etc. As a matter of fact, I clarified my meaning again in a following post. Maybe instead of assuming you knew my meaning, and you needed more detail, it could have been asked for.

I have read and re-read my original post and clarifying post, and in no way did I imply or state that this was me or anything I was going through or considering. Yet that was assumed.

And I think my post defending myself is far less harsh than than the comments directed at me personally, happily based on assumptions and not once asking for fact.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I used to believe in the whole *soul mate* thing, as I feel me & mine are as near perfectly matched as any couple can be. Then one night watching a random Christian TV program, It was some type of marraige program, this guy started talking about this concept, and in a half hours time, I had totally changed my thinking. I remember saying to myself over & over -he is SO RIGHT. I think I even woke my husband sleeping beside me to talk about it. 

But in a way , this is a GOOD thing, because I often felt if I lost my husband (I considered my soul mate), I am doomed, I had the love of my life, and I will never find another to come close. Not necessarily true- as many have went on to find another love after they lost a spouse . How did they get so lucky in life. It really is more about what you DO with what you HAVE than some concept that only exists between 2 souls finding each other magically or by "fate". 

This world is made up of billions upon billions of people, when you get caught up in belief , and you have trouble in your marriage, you will start to question WHERE Is MY SOUL MATE !?? or did I let him or her go ??-- as Laurae has explained, this clouds your mind, divides it, takes your mind & heart off of your problems at hand & less likely to work on them in your current marriage when you have convinced yourself YOU MADE A terrible MISTAKE, and start thinking "I better get out there to find my true love who has got away or I never met yet, time is a wasting!! This is like chasing after the wind.

LIkely no human being anywhere is PERFECT for us, we have to be skilled in seeking what "works" for us (in dating) , this may be a little selfish but in reality, IT NEEDS TO BE -when you will be spending 50 + years with someone! YOu need enough excitement , compatibilty, interests, shared goals, morals & communicative understanding to sustain a fullfilling committed marraige. 

MANY marry TOO QUICKLY or have skewed reasons, like they are getting older, I just want someone to love me , $$, to get away from parents, the girl got pregnant ! The compability just wasn't there to begin with! Why the current troubles now, then some people change as they age and it takes the whole family by surprise, it amazes me how few people know themselves & what they want & need. 

I agree with White Rabbit when she talked about erotic Passion BLINDING many to think they are in love ...


> It is more likely that u will not be sexually attracted to your real soulmate bc sexual attraction would keep you from learning what you're supposed to learn from them.


I say a Hearty AMEN to that. I will be honest in saying, although I love my husband to tears, he did not throw me into the wiles of lustful passion upon meeting -the way another guy maybe could have - even at a young age, I knew how blinding that is by watching other couples & how quickly it falls apart, it takes sooooo much more. It takes TIME, alot of time to really get to know someone inside & out .

*DID you even know this other people you are "thinking" about as a soul mate -inside an out?* 

I agree, there are other people, both sexes, that I feel a kinship too , an undeniable connection like we can BE totally WHO WE ARE in front of them, flaws in their face & they freaking love us, we love them, they come back for more even if we abuse them, ha ha . These aren't soul mates though, just poeple we meet in life along the way who we have a heck of alot in common with, we might have the same sense of humor, like the same things, think alike, and hearity enjoy each others company, they may only be in our life for a season, but that is OK! Cherish the memories. Even today, and being married, I feel this way about a few guys in my life, my husband is not bothered by this . I also felt strongly like this for an old girlfriend in my youth. I Have never had a friend like her -or cared that much , and I doubt I ever will so long as I live, but you never know!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

WR, I believe this is what the OP is trying to get at. Unfortunately, this is new territory for her and she is having a hard time explaining what she means. The communication bridge is further complicated by most of those responding. Most responding really don't understand the concepts....or they are looking at "soul mates" from the Hollywood glamorized perspective.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think I get what the OP means...minus the term soul mate.

There is a person I know who I personally will always have a bond to. It's not someone I actively seek, talk to anymore, or even associate with any more.

I love my stbx, he is the man I decided to marry (or his facade was anyways) THAT in itself will never change. however, the weird moments when I run into the previously mentioned, it is that scene from the movies. That energy returns, its like there isn't years between then and now. It's funny too, because we catch eachother looking at eachother with that long lost sad face like directly out of the movies, it's the best I can explain it.

Will anything ever be sought after or come from it? no, and probably not.

Do I consider this person my soul mate or the one who got away? nope.

But the connection never fades, and it never has, probably never will. I don't subscribe to the idea of a soul mate, but to have a connection to a person other than your spouse that never fades like was described in the original post, I know what you're talking about. No fantasizing, no wishing, no even pushing for anything, just a connection that never dies and never fades in the slightest.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I understand what you are talking about LovingWife, and I think it's easy to have the fantasy of that perfect connection. I have always had a great connection with my buddies wife, over the years we have always teased 'what if". But the reality is we don't have to live together, and when I hear my buddy talk of things his wife does I realize she's not my perfect match. Not that she's a bad person, but she is certainly different as a wife than she is as a friend.

I think when you spend every day together up in each others business that "fantasy of perfection" will melt away pretty quickly. Still, for whatever reasons there are people who you connect with on more levels than others, they may become friends or spouses or may simply pass through your life, regardless, it's nice to feel that connection occasionally.

Cooper


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

At one point, I thought I believed in that stuff, but now not so much. I do not believe in soul mates, fate, destiny or meant-to-be's


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> But the connection never fades, and it never has, probably never will. I don't subscribe to the idea of a soul mate, but to have a connection to a person other than your spouse that never fades like was described in the original post, I know what you're talking about. No fantasizing, no wishing, no even pushing for anything, just a connection that never dies and never fades in the slightest.


Thank you _CLucas976_ - this is exactly what I was referring to.  One of my friends had a stronger connection to her previous husband than her current husband, however due to other considerations they were not able to stay married. The connection with current DH is strong, but on a different level. She would never trade it. Another friend had an incredibly strong connection with a woman she lived with for years, however the other person was not able to come to terms with the sexual stigma, and they eventually split and married other spouses. 

I used Soul Mate (as I stated "for lack of a better word") not as the one and only person for you ever, but as a deeper connection. Again - nothing to do with a current marriage, etc. Only focusing on the connection. And I'm not really asking if anyone *believes* it can happen, etc, but only *if* (like you) they have had this lasting connection happen.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> I used Soul Mate (as I stated "for lack of a better word") not as the one and only person for you ever, but as a deeper connection. Again - nothing to do with a current marriage, etc. Only focusing on the connection. And I'm not really asking if anyone *believes* it can happen, etc, but only *if* (like you) they have had this lasting connection happen.


Many of us has had connections like this. If not, I would say we are half living and not sharing ourselves with others enough to be KNOWN & be loved & understood. 

What you say here puts me in mind of Sonny & Cher , that eulogy she gave at his funeral, there was a connection there noone could ever touch, even though they could no longer live with each other & divorced. YouTube - ‪Sonny's funeral, Cher speaks‬‏ 

You must admit your opening post did make it sound -when asking "How do you deal with that?" after this


> Someone that you had a tremendously deep connection with, that never diminished or turned out to be less with time, but that the timing/circumstances were wrong and prevented you from being together?


 ...... THIS sounds ROMANTIC in nature. 

I can see how everyone would assume you felt you made a mistake. 

So you have (and still feel it) a deeper connection with someone from YOUR PAST that in reality is a DEEPER connection than what you have with your currect spouse. 

How do YOU feel about this? Does this trouble you? 


I would say just cause WE feel we had this insane connection does not always necessarily mean the other feels the same or "the measure of intensity" we feel . If so, I would think the relationship would have been faught for back then -no matter what the odds.

Are you in contact with this person? A curious question, does your spouse know you feel this way, that the connection surpasses what you have with them? 

I have never had a connection stronger than with my husband, so I guess I do not qualify to answer, but yes, many connections over the years with various people along the way- that I will always hold high in my heart. Through time & beyond -if that is possible. 

MY bestest girlfriend from my youth, although we slowly split ways as we grew older, she took a wilder path than me then hit college, new friends, new lifestyle while I remained home in our small boring country town -just not the same lifestyle. I had a dream of her & me walking in heaven hand in hand, I told her about it. We used to say we would grow old together rocking in our granny chairs. Special special special. 

But this is not of a romantic nature of coarse.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

SimplyAmorous - thank you for your good insights. This is where I was coming from when I responded to the post. It does sound romantic in nature. I'll be curious to see if the OP answers your questions.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can see how everyone would assume you felt you made a mistake.
> 
> So you have (and still feel it) a deeper connection with someone from YOUR PAST that in reality is a DEEPER connection than what you have with your currect spouse.
> 
> ...


I will try this again, though I feel I'm restating myself. I do not feel I have made a mistake. I do not have, or still feel, a deeper connection with someone from my past. There is no one. I am not in contact with anyone, nor does my spouse need to be aware - as again, there is no one to be in contact _with_. I was not implying that I did. I cannot state this any simpler or make it any clearer.

Apparently my post explaining the origin of this question was deleted, so I will assume you did not see it. My post originated from a recent girls night out, after watching a chick flick (The Notebook) that generated several questions regarding real-life connections vs Hollywood hype. Some of the conversations myself and my girlfriends have had over this topic were interesting to me. That so many of them even did, how they dealt with it, etc. There is no one out there that I'm alluding to. I had no idea that so many of my friends had such a variety of connections, and I thought there might be more interesting stories of it. 

I'll be honest - I'm really getting frustrated that such a simple question regarding others experiences has become such an issue, with so many comments directed at myself, my marriage, my intelligence, etc. All based on assumption.




Laurae1967 said:


> I'll be curious to see if the OP answers your questions.


I'm here and answering. Again. I'm curious to see if you'll reread my posts, and yours, and perhaps admit you assumed far too much and were a trifle rude.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lovingwifewannabe said:


> I'll be honest - I'm really getting frustrated that such a simple question regarding others experiences has become such an issue, with so many comments directed at myself, my marriage, my intelligence, etc. All based on assumption.


LovingWifewannbe: You'll have to excuse us on this forum. 

Let me explain - one of the reasons I absolutely LOVE coming here, have even become addicted to posting for goodness sakes (you'd think I would enjoy doing something else in my spare time!), is becaues MANY MANY regular posters are very very DEEP here , they ENJOY dissecting every word , answering on what we felt the "intended meaning or problem" was, relating our own life , offering insights, bla bla bla - we can't seem to help it. We learn too as we answer posts. 

You will likely ALWAYS get a wide varierty of answers coming from many directions on this forum. You will not find another Marriage forum with as many intellectual, heartfelt, and Yes, sometimes "constructive critisms"- even warnings, red flags, etc in replies -as you will here. I have been to many forums like this, I got SOOOO bored with the hapless joking and short replies that had no MEAT to them other places. They never held my interest -till I found TAM. 

If somene misunderstands, as I did also, just correct us- as you did in your reply to me. I have answered about 3 Threads on this "soul mate" thing before. Yours was of a different nature entirely. 

I did not see the original post about a "girls night out" and conversation about connections, where this was just being curious about *others* & how they deal with it - it is an interesting question, nothing wrong with the asking!  I do wonder why you deleted it though- as it might have shed more light into the "WHY" you were asking. 

Please understand ..... 99% of people who post are speaking about themselves , so we automatically assume this --unless it is stated outright -that it is not the case. Also not everyone reads the replies following the original post (Heck sometimes there is 25 pages-it is like a book -so our opening post is vital for understanding -it sets the gauge to what type of answers you may get big time !) 

But hey, Clucas picked up on your intended meaning, so thank goodness for a variety of posters! 

I LOVE the Notebook!! RYan Gosling is HOT HOT HOT.


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## Lovingwifewannabe (Feb 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I did not see the original post about a "girls night out" and conversation about connections, where this was just being curious about *others* & how they deal with it - it is an interesting question, nothing wrong with the asking!  I do wonder why you deleted it though- as it might have shed more light into the "WHY" you were asking.


I did not delete my post, nor some of the others that caused my defensiveness.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's not to say I don't believe that people can 'click' and 'saprk' and that if they recognize a connection and natural synchronicity, that they shouldn't protect and nurture that connection. But it's like a seed, if you don't plant it, it won't grow, and if you don't water it and mulch it, it will wither. If you don't allow it to mature, prune it and allow some seeds to spread, it will fail to propogate. Love is a living thing. We are all soul mates in one way or another. But you can only tend your own garden. Be careful who you choose to share it with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> RYan Gosling is HOT HOT HOT.


YES! YES! YES! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ryan Gosling; home schooled, ex-LDS. Non missionary, I think.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If that so called soul mate is not your husband but another man, the only thing you can do is to stay away from him. He will only bring your sorrow instead of pleasure. The kind of pleasure you get from him is fake! 

I was lost before I met my husband, I never experienced any kind of romantic or close feeling until I met my husband. 

Yes, I believe in soul mates. And I am lucky to be married to my soul mate. He is the only one who understands what's in my heart! Sometimes we speak out what's in the other one's mind!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> If that so called soul mate is not your husband but another man, the only thing you can do is to stay away from him. He will only bring your sorrow instead of pleasure. The kind of pleasure you get from him is fake!
> 
> 
> > Exactly what I told my STBXH'S married girlfriend.
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's not to say I don't believe that people can 'click' and 'saprk' and that if they recognize a connection and natural synchronicity, that they shouldn't protect and nurture that connection. But it's like a seed, if you don't plant it, it won't grow, and if you don't water it and mulch it, it will wither. If you don't allow it to mature, prune it and allow some seeds to spread, it will fail to propogate. Love is a living thing. We are all soul mates in one way or another. But you can only tend your own garden. Be careful who you choose to share it with.


Love this - might have to use a form of this quote from time to time on this forum. Nicely explained.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i believe my husband and i are sou mates...uh..but a different kind, like mirror twins, if i hurt my left wrist, his right one will hurt...sometimes psychic link, we have been accused of doing it on purpose...


but its not the "hollywood" magic...its a different bond, a different pull for us, we just clicked, liked the same things, hated the same people...

he often jokes, that no one else would have either one of us...maybe, maybe not...

as for the spark when you touch someone, you finally get the "stars in their eyes" term, always know how they feel, without them telling you, you being able to sense if they are close by...

i do believe it is out there, but we all chose the person we are with for a reason, and sometimes being an adult means you stand by your decision, and stand up for your convicitons....


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

There was a time before my current spouse when I was engaged to someone else and yet had a deeper connection which another. In retropect it was a sign that I was not fully connected to my fiance enough for marriage. Fortunately that relationship ended and with it that problem. So if you find yourself in that position be careful.

The connection with my spouse is deeper than with anyone else and thats the way it should be at least for me. So no I have not experienced the type of connetion the OP is interested in and I agree with Greenpearl that if you have a relationship with someone for whom the connection is stronger than your spouse then it is a threat to the marriage. In this case bidding aloha to that stronger connection is best for the marriage.

So the way I see it, part of the duty of a spouse towards their marriage is to nurture the spousal connection and give it priority over all other connections. This does not (at least for me) mean that you are required to forsake all other connections to achieve this. I allow other connections to grow to a point and it has enriched me and my marriage.


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