# I am married and another woman has made me depressed



## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.

I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.

2 months ago, a new woman started at work with me. We hit it off immediately. There is a definite chemistry between us. I work closely with her every day. If I were single, I know I would like to be with her. 

I am never going to cheat on my wife, there is no danger of that. I have even set this woman up on a date with my friend, as she asked me to. And I am sure she would never embark on a relationship with me if I were to ask, as she has no interest in breaking up a marriage. But we do have feelings for one another, that is clear. This has left me feeling completely miserable and depressed. I'm not sure what to do to make myself feel happier.

Has anyone had any experiences like this? it would be nice to hear a friendly voice, that's for sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Then you will be miserable as you can't eat the forbidden fruit . n you will start to be unhappy towards your wife . then your wife will feel it . fights ensued . divorce . you lose your lovely wife n child n home . you will then eat the forbidden fruit n realize it is nothing compared to your wife . too late . you are alone now . need to look for the next woman . n realize you aged from this process . n with guilt , you aged more . n without money after child support , no woman finds you attractive . all alone with regret .

Like it? 

No

Get happy with your wife n child .


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mikejyo said:


> Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.
> 
> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> 
> ...


Pay attention to your work and communicate with this woman only to the extent that your job requires it. She has no capabilities that your wife lacks and she may be mean as a snake and/or crazy as an out-house rat. You have a fantasy and that's all it is. She's no less human or flawed than the one you have. You are a heterosexual male. You have "chemistry" with half the population of planet earth. Being strongly attracted to a woman means nothing more than the fact that you are a properly functioning male. Do your job, get your pay, and then go home and chase your old lady around.


----------



## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

Haha, nicely put. That actually made me feel a bit better


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Maybe I'm foolish or "old fashioned" (which would be the first time I have ever heard that), but I find that it is impossible, let me reiterate, impossible, to love someone and be interested in someone else. To me, love isn't about your spouse. You can really like your spouse and feel connected with them, but love generates from you and who you are as a person. When you love someone, it is about hen being an extension of you. Their existence is as important as your own. They are your side b. You cannot ever be interested in someone else if you are "in love" because it, inhenerently, says that person isn't a part of you.

That being said, you don't have to stay in love wih anyone. I can appreciate your situation as life is difficult and sometimes things don't go as planned. If you are feeling this way about someone else, know that she is just a symptom of something that would happen again somewhere else. If you are thinking about her, imagining her when you are with your wife and depressed when you think you cannot have her, know that you should probably not be with your wife, because this charade isn't fair to her, and you continuing it indefinitely is a lie and selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Old fashioned? No, that's a belief you hold. Mistress has existed for centuries so, being interested in more than one person, while being in love, is not new nor impossible.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're on a path to wreck yourself. Obsessing about another woman will lead to you taking your wife for granted. If your mind is on another woman that means you're not present with your wife. A common complaint of women, is being emotionally distant. Sometimes it just festers in the background but as the years past, you lose some of the connection, which is hard to regain once lost. And that is where it is your wife who could be vulnerable to a smooth talking interloper.

Get that woman out of your head and double down on meeting your wife's needs. You betray her and you're also betraying your child.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Herschel said:


> Maybe I'm foolish or "old fashioned" (which would be the first time I have ever heard that), but I find that it is impossible, let me reiterate, impossible, to love someone and be interested in someone else. To me, love isn't about your spouse. You can really like your spouse and feel connected with them*, but love generates from you and who you are as a person. When you love someone, it is about hen being an extension of you. Their existence is as important as your own. They are your side b. You cannot ever be interested in someone else if you are "in love" because it, inhenerently, says that person isn't a part of you.*



This made me think of this quote.... 








[/url]

The question is.. What is missing at Home... what does this New woman have that has lit you up, that your wife is lacking at home ? How is your sex life ? 

How is the communication, do you laugh together, tease each other.. when was the last time you got off alone ...took her on a date ? 

Throw yourself into your marriage, figure out what is lacking at home... is your love languages off, open that up, have a heart to heart...

Is there resentment on either side.. has some "apathy" set in, have you been feeling like roommates ?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Also, nothing has to be missing at home. New is almost always interesting after you become comfortable with something or someone. This is why some people believe in no opposite sex friends. You do not get to see her problems, her quirks and other issues. You just get to see the cool stuff when she has her best foot forward.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You will probably meet more than one person who will appear attractive to you. If you were not married already, you might even have had a relationship with them. It is not unusual or unexpected. Their is more than one person you can love and have a good relationship with. That's obvious because people fall in love after a breakup. 

How do you manage this reality so that you remain happy, faithful and satisfied with your chosen spouse. You need to recommit to the marriage and have NC with this woman. Staying faithful starts before you meet the people you find attractive, it's a state of mind and a way of living. 

When I felt a strong attraction to someone, it happened once, I got them out of my laboratory. At the first signs, nip it in the bud. Avoid personal topics that lead to intimate communication. You should not be talking to her about relationships and setting her up with friends. 

Is you wife and child worth the effort to decisively nip this in the bud? Are they worth your changing your whole concept of marriage and relationships? The care and protection that's needed is in homage to the person who has committed to you and depends upon you. You would want the same from our wife, right?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I've worked with women who have been very alluring. I understand how one's mind can wander, and it isn't anything abnormal. We're human and we are programmed to be sexually attracted to other people.

So I think you start there, which is almost where you're at now. You understand this is dangerous territory for you. So now frame it as it is normal and understandable that you have these attractions to this other woman. Plus add in that it is harmful to those things which you value most, your marriage and your family. So now you have to remind yourself of that every time you see her or think of her. Force yourself to attach to any thought of her the consequences of having any kind of relationship with her are not what you want.

Your d*** wants to have a certain relationship with this woman, but your brain knows better. Put your big brain in charge of reprogramming your little brain, like Pavlov's dog. See the woman and get an image of losing your family.

Part 2 is to seriously look at your marriage. I would even talk to your wife but not about this other woman. See what you can do to step things up a notch or two. Maybe read a few relationship books together. Maybe even go to some kind of couples retreat weekend. Take the energy from this distraction and redirect it into your marriage. You have nothing to lose by trying to improve the marriage.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Of course, there is danger that you will cheat on your wife. You are a guy and a natural horn dog you are designed to be capable of impregnating thousands of women. You think you have some magical shield around you? Lots of married folks cheat and it always begins with a married person paying a bit too much attention to someone. All adultery begins in the mind. If you think you're Super Husband and can play around with flirting and fantasizing forever without causing harm to your family you are kidding yourself and playing a dangerous game.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Pay attention to your work and communicate with this woman only to the extent that your job requires it. She has no capabilities that your wife lacks and she may be mean as a snake and/or crazy as an out-house rat. You have a fantasy and that's all it is. She's no less human or flawed than the one you have. You are a heterosexual male. You have "chemistry" with half the population of planet earth. Being strongly attracted to a woman means nothing more than the fact that you are a properly functioning male. Do your job, get your pay, and then go home and chase your old lady around.


I so totally agree with this. You have a wife that you enjoy and brings you happiness and is the mother of your kids. There are few people in the world one can have that with. Most have mental problems.
I would consider it a challenge to make your heart follow your own will. Steer clear of her. Remember that everyone seems nice at first. Most Are not! 
You can handle this. It happens a lot. Be a man about it. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Once you make up your mind, it will get easier.
Realize mike, you're already cheating in your mind. That's where it all starts. Gotta take control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Totally normal to find a woman attractive. Nothing wrong with that. 

Accept the situation for what it is...you get to work with a woman you like and she's easy on the eyes. 

A quick and easy way to get this (probably imagined) chemistry thing out of the way...invite her to dinner, bbq, something, with your family. Treat her like a trusted colleague, it will help you see this for what it us. A work relationship.

Stop acting like a school boy with a crush...no matter how well you think you are hiding this....women ALWAYS fiqure it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mikejyo said:


> If I were single, I know *I would like to be with her. *
> 
> *I am never going to cheat on my wife,* there is no danger of that. I have even set this woman up on a date with my friend, as she asked me to. And I am sure she would never embark on a relationship with me if I were to ask, as she has no interest in breaking up a marriage.


Mike, Two years ago I was where you are now. 



jsmart said:


> You're on a path to wreck yourself. *Obsessing about another woman will lead to you taking your wife for granted. If your mind is on another woman that means you're not present with your wife. *


For two years I obsessed about my coworker and took my wife for granted.



Thor said:


> You understand this is dangerous territory for you.
> 
> Your d*** wants to have a certain relationship with this woman, but your brain knows better. Put your big brain in charge of reprogramming your little brain, like Pavlov's dog. See the woman and get an image of losing your family.
> 
> Part 2 is to seriously look at your marriage.


Mike, you need to understand that this situation is a direct and imminent danger to your marriage. We cannot underscore that enough. 



unbelievable said:


> Of course, *there is danger that you will cheat on your wife.*


Mike, If you think you will never cheat on your wife or that the other woman would not make advances to you, then you are in denial. Read the stories here about how it "just happened". I used to believe as you do, that I would not cheat. I was in denial too.



Evinrude58 said:


> You can handle this. It happens a lot. Be a man about it. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Once you make up your mind, it will get easier.
> Realize mike, you're already cheating in your mind. That's where it all starts. Gotta take control.


Listen to @Evinrude58

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/326617-i-betrayed-my-wife-miss-my-friend.html

Mike, above is the link to my story. You are too new to be able to read it but once you hit 30 posts you will be able to access it.

The title is "i-betrayed-my-wife-miss-my-friend" Friend is my coworker. 

If your wife heard what you say to the other woman, would she approve? Are you hiding or deleting texts? Are you meeting with this woman for lunch or outside of work and hiding this from your wife? You are at the early state of an emotional affair, if not already deep in one. Yes, they exist. And it is cheating. You might think it is cheating but we here do and so will your wife. You are not alone, There are a lot of stories here from guys in the same situation.

You are already cheating on your wife by putting your emotional energy towards another woman. You know it is wrong, that is why you are here. You are depressed. I have been there too so I understand what you are feeling and thinking.

Make no mistake. You are at moderate risk already of losing your marriage. If you continue on this path, when your wife finds out, and she will, even an emotional affair could lead to divorce.

Please please TODAY download on Kindle/Nook/tablet or order the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It is the number one thing, besides keeping this thread going, to help you save your marriage. 

I will send you a private message with invite to talk to me, as guy who has/is going through what you are going through.

Mike, I am so glad you found this site. You may have just saved your marriage, if you follow the advice given here. I won't be easy giving up with other woman. In fact it will be very difficult. I am still not over my coworker. But you only get to choose ONE. Your WIFE or the OTHER WOMAN.

Don't be that guy/father who is divorced because he cheated on his wife with a coworker. There are so many of those already. Think of your wife next time you and other woman are sharing an intimate conversation. You better decide quickly which one you want. 

Good luck.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mikejyo said:


> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years.* I am very happy with her *and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.


Are you really? I am a believer that emotional affairs happen because you are not getting your needs met at home. If you are willing, tell us about your marriage and wife. The purpose is not to bad mouth her in any way - we know you love her - but we can help you figure out if some needs are not being met. 

I know you love your son, but do you have resentment that you have a child when you posted 6 years ago that you did not want children?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Mikejyo,

I'm not going to say anything you haven't probably already heard, and if this advice has been dispensed already then I'm sorry to repeat it.

You're on a slippery slope. The best thing you can do is to get away from this woman. You are not available. You need to not BE available to her unless it is for WORK. Can you do that? Could you tell her this in clear words if you ever had to? If the answer is no, or you're too nervous to say no to her, then you need to learn how to say NO, if it ever becomes necessary to do so.

No chit-chat about things going on at home, things you like, common interests, what you're doing over the weekend, what's for lunch, why you hate olives, why she loves lemon sorbet. You're there to WORK. You are paid to WORK. No lunches together, if she gives you something, politely refuse it. Every time you talk with her, picture your wife is standing there by your side. Do not say anything to her you would not say with your wife right there.

You have someone to look forward to going home to each day (I hope you look forward to it!). If you don't look forward to going home, then you have some private work to do with your wife.

We all get tired of the ho-hum dreary married life sometimes, and then someone comes along that we find refreshing.... refreshingly dangerous if we are taken. Being attracted to this woman is healthy and normal, you're a red-blooded male. What you DO about it is well within your conscience to control. I recommend you do nothing and keep it strictly to business.

You have an opportunity to be a positive model for married men everywhere. Remember that some time in the past you were smitten with your wife (I hope) and that you chose to be with her for a reason. Maybe that reason got lost... I think you should put the effort in finding that reason again.

Read the late Dr. Shirley's "Not Just Friends."


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> Are you really? I am a believer that emotional affairs happen because you are not getting your needs met at home. If you are willing, tell us about your marriage and wife. The purpose is not to bad mouth her in any way - we know you love her - but we can help you figure out if some needs are not being met.
> 
> I know you love your son, but do you have resentment that you have a child when you posted 6 years ago that you did not want children?


Tigers are interested in steak because they are tigers. Whether they are well fed or not they will be still be interested in steak.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Tigers are interested in steak because they are tigers. Whether they are well fed or not they will be still be interested in steak.


Maybe, but it cannot hurt OP to focus on improving his marriage, regardless of how happy he says he is. He needs to put his energy somewhere other than where it is now. I really doubt he can go cold turkey and just drop this other woman. No chance. 

Perhaps Mrs. OP would not rate the marriage as "happy", at least not for the last two months.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mikejyo said:


> Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.
> 
> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> 
> ...


There's a woman at work who is extremely, *extremely* hot. She is vivacious, funny and very cute.I would love to have sex with her.

And what am I going to do about it?* Absolutely nothing. At all. *


Why? It's the right thing. As you know, so I feel your pain.

Depressed about your female colleague? Take up walking or running, use relaxation/self-improvement tapes, etc.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Mikejyo said:


> Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.
> 
> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> 
> ...


No-one has made you depressed other than yourself. However, it has not come from nowhere. Somewhere deep down, you feel you are missing out on something. The normal protocol is to tell you this is not true and you are very lucky.

You are very true, but you are missing out on fun you could have if you are single. This is fact. The reason it bothers you is that you do not think that you can miss out on this fun and be happy. Having given up on happiness, you have become depressed.

All this woman did was remind you of this idea that you cannot be happy while missing out, but you were happy before you remembered to be miserable.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

@Blueinbr

Disagree that his marriage may be lacking .

Sometimes people just take a good spouse for granted . n think the wild grass the other side might be nice .


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Mikejyo said:
> 
> 
> > I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years.* I am very happy with her *and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> ...


Forgot to quote your post


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Mikejyo said:


> Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.
> 
> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> 
> ...


Learn to have professional distance.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Mikejyo said:


> But we do have feelings for one another, that is clear. This has left me feeling completely miserable and depressed. I'm not sure what to do to make myself feel happier.


So here goes. . . You've known her only a couple of months which means you don't even know who she is yet. And sorry, but you don't know that she wouldn't have an A with a married man. 

I think you allowed it to get to next level. Having a crush is one thing. Saying it's clear you have feelings for each other is quite another. How do you know she has feelings for you? Do you think she asked you to set her up with your colleague because she can't have you? The crush is so bad that you are depressed & unhappy. So you are pining. Methinks you have been enjoying it and just kinda ran with it. You both may have put a bit too much effort in getting to know each other. Too many chats at the water-cooler. More than is appropriate anyway. Maybe you're miserable because she's dating your other colleague, if she is by now. 

You two are sure very 'cosy' with each other. I would only ask a guy I knew very well to set me up with someone else. I can't even imagine asking a colleague to set me up with another colleague. Way too unprofessional, personal & inappropriate. She should have asked him out herself & not involved you. If he was attracted to her the way you are, he'd ask her out himself so she may be barking up the wrong tree there. Generally colleagues who date each other keep it very quiet in the early stages. I don't like the sound of her at all. She has feelings for you according to you. She has asked you to set her up with another colleague. She's clearly looking for a man & feels the office is her playing field. Like I said, you don't even know who she is yet, nor anything close to it. 

Next step is allowing yourself to have an EA (emotional affair) & from what I said above, you may even be in the early stages already. Many who have them say they didn't even know the term. I always feel that deep down they knew what they were doing was inappropriate though. Google EA to make sure you know what they are. It doesn't take much. 

Reel yourself back in now & get back to a purely professional relationship with this woman. It's easy. Be diplomatically abrupt with her a few times. Hard to do in your headspace though. I'm guessing you don't feel depressed at work when you're with her. Do you look forward to going to work because you'll see her? One of the signs of an EA. Talk to her about your wife & child when you guys discuss things outside work. Ask your wife & child to come in & meet you for lunch & introduce them. Show off your child to her. You clearly know her well enough to do that if she's asking you to set her up with other guys, as only a good friend would. Or invite your wife to Friday evening drinks if the company does that. 

I think you & your colleague need a cold shower. 

If I was married to you, I would be completely turned off if I knew about all this. 
I'd be especially disgusted that it was to the extent that you are 'completely miserable & depressed' because you are so attracted to another woman who is out of reach. In fact it might even cause me to fall out of love with you. Yep. A terrible blow to the ego too. I would likely feel you encouraged it by how you behaved with your colleague. Women are very good at picking these things up. I hope she doesn't. 

You said you are 'very happy' with your wife. Are you sure you're in love with her though? 

Imagine for a moment if your W was feeling like this about a coworker she worked closely with 40 hours a week. I think you might feel she allowed it to get to that point knowing it was inappropriate.

Very long post because I'm bashing you over the head a bit. I sound harsh. Just trying to give you a reality check. 

PS You may have to work with this woman for many years. Can you handle that? If you can't take the heat & pardon the pun!, you may have to get a new job.


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Personally I think you need to grow up.
Every day we encounter different people. People who we have things in common with and if we're single you'd probably date. If you were single.
You are not. You are "happily married". So stop being so unprofessional at work.
I've said this before but there is a reason why men and women cannot be just friends. You will always find a connection...and the grass will always be greener on the other side. Imagining life with someone else is always easier.
Get your feelings in check...look around at what is right in front of you. Your family. Family is the most important thing..remember that.
Cut the close ties with her.
Tell her that you can be work colleagues but anything else is crossing a line that you don't want to cross.
Start investing this "depressed pinning away time" into your relationship.



Sent from my iPhone


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When you're driving down the road, notice the cow standing in a beautiful green pasture, with her head stuck through the fence, munching on weeds and thorns.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I cant help it but I have to say this .

I am really angry with you on behalf of your wife .

Imagine your wife tells you now that she was happy with you and son for 13 years and now feel miserable because she has fallen in love with her man friend and felt miserable that she cant be with him .

That she had not gone to the market or the gym or the bakery but instead spent time with the man while you tend to your young son at home so that she has her own time or time to run errands or work .

Frankly , you should slap yourself a few times on behalf of your wife and crash your head on the wall a few times to wake up .

It is man like that ends up causing a divorce in the family and hurting a woman who loved you and a son who will grow up to hate you for hurting his little life .

I am sure there are men who had paid attention to her and she had just ignored them .


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

She may have ask you to set her up with another friend to cause you to be jealous , to the extent that you are miserable you cant have her , and would consider leaving your wife to be with her . The forbidden and unattainable fruit ? you know ? that you would die for ?

She could be a damn good player . Telling you she doesnt want to get married may be a lie . She may actually want it so badly . Liar speaks the opposites of what they actually think .

If she doesnt want to seduce you , why would she spend so much time with you ? Doesnt she want to spend with her son ? Since you said she is a good mum ?

I am a good mum and most of my time is work , errands and kids n some me time . I dont have time to spend on unnecessary friends .

Nooooooooooo

She is playing the field . You are miserable now . So she waits now .


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tripad said:


> She may have ask you to set her up with another friend to cause you to be jealous , to the extent that you are miserable you cant have her , and would consider leaving your wife to be with her . The forbidden and unattainable fruit ? you know ? that you would die for ?
> 
> She could be a damn good player . Telling you she doesnt want to get married may be a lie . She may actually want it so badly . Liar speaks the opposites of what they actually think .
> 
> ...


:iagree: She could be playing you for sex or playing you for attention. Or not. 

Either way, you are going to squirm when you see her with another guy. At least I did with my coworker.



tripad said:


> I am really angry with you on behalf of your wife .
> 
> *Imagine your wife tells you now that she was happy with you and son for 13 years and now feel miserable because she has fallen in love with her man friend and felt miserable that she cant be with him .*
> 
> Frankly , you should slap yourself a few times on behalf of your wife and crash your head on the wall a few times to wake up .


OP, @tripad is right and sums it up very well. I did this for two years - two lost years. Don't be like me. Think of your wife and son. Now think of your wife as your ex and you son as a kid you see every other weekend. Now think about the coworker.

THINK MAN.


----------



## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

Thanks for all your responses. They have really helped. They have all helped and I think that I might understand things clearer.

It's not that I want to be with my colleague, I really don't. I think that she just makes me feel kinda worthwhile. She is fun and humorous and challenges me intellectually. We chat about things and muck around, like I would with my mates. I think I feel depressed because I want my wife to be 'more fun'.

All she does at the moment is tell me to do chores and ask me to do things. 

I am not lazy, I do my fair share and I do the most with my son as he is more receptive to me.

I have invited my wife out on dates and tried to talk politics, make fun, joke and she just seems to be 'too busy' for everything.

I have even said to her face 'I want to be more fun' I've told her (in a tactful way) that she sometimes acts like my boss and just wants work done.

I love her and I want to be with her forever. I just want to be a husband and wife, not just 2 people with **** to do.

I've been open (as open as I currently understand how to be) but it hasn't really helped. I don't think she knows how important I find this.

Now what? Haha 😀
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

One of the classic signs of being in an emotional affair is that you start comparing your wife to the other woman. And your wife is found to be lacking.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If your wife is constantly busy and asking for your help and doesn't have time for fun, then she is overloaded and maybe you aren't picking up your fair share of your shared life responsibilities.


----------



## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

Ok, so she is busy all the time because she owns her own business and is tired a lot.
I am a teacher and am just as busy.
I don't blame her for being busy, I think she needs to make more time for fun.

Emotional affair. I have not heard of this particularly, but yes maybe.

I appreciate everyone's point of view and the fact that you are replying to me.

Does anyone have any advice? Things to actually do?

If this sounds to you like this is all my fault, that is fine. Tell me what you think I should do about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Livvie said:


> If your wife is constantly busy and asking for your help and doesn't have time for fun, then she is overloaded and maybe you aren't picking up your fair share of your shared life responsibilities.


Assuming, of course, that the above is objectionably correct. Women disinterested in their husbands (and vice versa) are good in marginalizing them....

If a woman can't find time for her own marriage and if the husband is doing his fair share then I can blame the husband for, ehem, exploring...


----------



## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Livvie said:


> If your wife is constantly busy and asking for your help and doesn't have time for fun, then she is overloaded and maybe you aren't picking up your fair share of your shared life responsibilities.




If you are picking up your fair share maybe she needs some help.
Hire a housekeeper.
The cost would be worth it if she is more "fun" as you call it.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mikejyo said:


> I've been open (as open as I currently understand how to be) but it hasn't really helped. I don't think she knows how important I find this.
> 
> Now what? Haha 😀


Mike, There is a book recommended here called "5 Love Languages". It is worth the read. There is a quiz you and your wife take and compare. You can find the quiz at Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time. There is also a free app in the app store (android or ios). 

Take the quiz and get your wife to do it. Then compare the results. It is a good start to help her discover how important you find this.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Lots of great advice here. I'm going to add something that is often said and very true. For every hot woman out there, there is a guy who is glad to be rid of her. 

If she isn't currently in a relationship, odds are there was a guy who had enough of her at some point. She isn't better than your wife; she's different. 

Attractive women in the work force know their power. Being female can be used to their advantage and I've known women to wear tight clothes, show a little extra cleavage, wear short skirts or flirt and use flattery. These are just tools they use to be successful. Don't assume any positive attention from her means she's attracted to you. It could mean she just wants to hook her wagon to yours because she knows you do a good job and are respected, or that you have a good relationship with the boss or she wants your job and needs to learn more about it. But don't assume her attention is personal.

ETA: I just read you are a teacher. Men aren't in that field as often as women. You might just be a novelty.


----------



## Mikejyo (Aug 25, 2010)

I will, thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The recommendation for relationship books is good. But I would start just prior to that and talk to your wife. Tell her what you wrote here, that you are dissatisfied with the way things are going because there is no fun, no joy in the relationship. Everything is about chores and must-do items. Tell her that you want to have a fun, vibrant relationship with her, not just be housemates who share duties.

Then I would suggest easing into a more comprehensive strategy. Mention the "5 Love Languages" book and ask her to read it. It is a very quick read and has some powerful concepts, which makes it a great place to start. If she responds positively you can then escalate to some larger and more thoughtful books once you've gotten through 5LL. "Getting the Love You Want", the workbook to that one, and "Hold Me Tight" are good.

You could also suggest marriage counseling. The idea is to nip this problem before it gets out of hand. Right now you recognize your relationship has problems, but you're not on the cusp of divorce. So now is the time to go for some good guidance rather than waiting until it is too late.

One thing you should do is ask open questions and then just listen to her answers. Act like the dispassionate reporter who is interviewing her. If she says she is too busy, don't argue or try to make your point to her. Ask her what it is that is keeping her so busy. Ask if there are ways she can think of to reduce the pressures she is feeling. (Most of those pressures are probably self induced, but that is a later topic to cover). Ask her what would be fun for her to do if she just had some free time. Ask a question, then listen to her answer. Reflect back part of what she just said, then follow on. "So you find responding to client emails is taking up time during the evening." You could just shut up and listen to what she says next, or you could ask another question, "Is it distracting having us around when you're reading those emails?". Just don't try to solve any problems for her or imply she is doing something wrong. You're trying to get her to speak freely to you about what is going on from her perspective.

You'll be surprised how much you'll learn by doing this "reporter" process.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Mikejyo said:


> Thanks for all your responses. They have really helped. They have all helped and I think that I might understand things clearer.
> 
> It's not that I want to be with my colleague, I really don't. I think that she just makes me feel kinda worthwhile. She is fun and humorous and challenges me intellectually. We chat about things and muck around, like I would with my mates. I think I feel depressed because I want my wife to be 'more fun'.
> 
> ...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mikejyo said:


> Ok, so she is busy all the time because she owns her own business and is tired a lot.
> I am a teacher and am just as busy.
> I don't blame her for being busy, I think she needs to make more time for fun.
> 
> ...


Yep. Stop being her friend. Only interact with her as is necessary for your business. Period. 

Also, it sounds like you need to make more of an effort at home for your wife. It sounds as if she is overloaded and you need to help take some of the weight off her shoulders. That will help give her a chance to be more "fun".


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Mike,

From your use of English I am assuming you are in the UK. So Monday workday is over for you. Did you see your woman friend today at work and if yes what did you do?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> One of the classic signs of being in an emotional affair is that you start comparing your wife to the other woman. And your wife is found to be lacking.


Finding someone at work to be very sexy is not having an emotional affair. 

Stolen moments together, talking, getting drunk together, watching TV together. That can well be an emotional affair.

And the kicker is that your affair partner doesn't have to be attractive at all. Even so, they can still end as PAs.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hmm

Just a different spin on things.
He does his fair share and most of the stuff with the child because he responds better to him.she spends a lot of time working and is tired and b!tchy and demanding work out of him.

Maybe she has someone at work that she can' t stop thinking about!


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

chillymorn said:


> Maybe she has someone at work that she can' t stop thinking about!


His wife owns her own business. I think she is controlling. He did not want kids, now he has a kid. You know who won that battle. Now OP met this charming lady at work, not demanding, great conversationalist fun. He admits having chemistry with her. 

He says his marriage is happy, and then describes it not as happy as he thinks.

He says he does not want to be with this coworker, but already said he would date her if not married. He is in denial.

He is depressed that his wife is not like this other woman. Early stage EA in the making. IMO.


----------



## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Mikejyo said:


> Hi everyone. I Hope someone has the time to read my message and possibly help me out. I would certainly appreciate it.
> 
> I have been with my wife for nearly 13 years. I am very happy with her and we have a wonderful 3 year old boy, who I am completely besotted with.
> 
> ...


This has happened to me but online. We are crazy about each other but worlds apart and both married. In a way I am so thankful because I have been married for 20 years and have never cheated on my husband. You have to keep your distance and keep it all about work. I wish I had never met this other person because once the feelings are shared its like trying to collect up a bag of feathers that have been blown away on a windy day.


----------

