# A guy friend lost...



## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

This is a story about a really close guy friend that I had that I just feel like sharing...

My first two weeks at college, I ended up bonding with a group of friends that I stayed close to throughout and even after my four years there. My roommate, a few girls from the other dorm, and a few guys from another dorm: the gay, the soccer player, the drummer, and the guy with the butt.

The soccer player, lets call him Raul, I was the closest with. It was always platonic. I was in a serious, albeit long distance relationship, and most of the 4 years he was either in a relationship too or telling me about some other girl he was pining for. We talked relationships, we talked in Spanish, we talked about politics and travel, he taught me how to dance salsa and merengue, and we just really enjoyed each other's company. He and my future husband became good friends too. He stood up at our wedding soon after graduation.

Fast forward to about a year later, Raul is visiting us one weekend and my bff is also in from out of town. She is hanging out with a girl we knew from elem school, lets call her Sofie (I lost touch w/ her after she moved and went to a dif hs, but they stayed close) and then they both come over to our place and we all hang out and watch a movie or something lame like that.

Raul develops a liking for Sophie and they start dating. I'm happy that bc of me, he's found someone that he really cares for and makes him happy. 

So I start to see Sophie a little more as we hang out, and things start to go sour. She develops a strong dislike for my husband. I kinda get it bc she's always been on the proper side and hubby likes to make provocative and brash statements (which I find entertaining). I start to see Raul less and he doesnt return my calls as often.

One time we make plans to go out dancing me raul, sophie and raul's old roommate. I dance with his roommate mostly, but after I tried to get more than two dances with raul, she got really upset. Mind you, dancing is what we did for fun as friends for years. I also had to make it an early night bc the public transport home was about to stop running (I refuse to pay high taxi fare) and she thought I was storming off bc of her.

Then it gets to where I hardly see them at all, just at occasions for our mutual friend. All this time I am feeling really hurt. I had felt we were good friends and he was backing out on me. He wouldnt really approach the issue, just politick over it if we ever spoke. I would have dreams/nightmares about the whole thing. Eventually he stops returning any calls. I knew he liked controlling women (his mom's quite the feminist) but I never imagined he would completely ditch me. I don't get why she'd be so jealous either. A. I introduced them, B. I was married, C. If I had wanted to hook up with him, I had 5 yrs to do it before she came into the picture. 

I've never been hurt so bad by a friend before, and even though I don't think much about it anymore, another thread got me thinking about it and I felt like sharing my story w somebody other than my hubby.

I saw him one xmas and he said something about being friends. I told him if he wants to be friends, he'll have to call me.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I had a guy friend and when he got a girlfriend, things changed. This is natural. In my case I became really good friends with his girlfriend, and still am to this day. I rarely talk to him or see him and that's okay. We're learning healthy boundaries that prevent EA's from happening...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well you don't know what he's told her. Few men will hang out with a woman if he's not interested in her sexually. Most likely he had the hots for you but figured you did not have it for him.

She knows and she does not want her man pining over another woman.

Or maybe he's really into her and he's decided the doing the 'just friends' thing with you would never get him anywhere. 

People grow apart for many reasons.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Jimena said:


> One time we make plans to go out dancing me raul, sophie and raul's old roommate. I dance with his roommate mostly, but after I tried to get more than two dances with raul, she got really upset.


 By not bring your husband with you on this double date, you were telling her two things. One, was that you have weak marital boundaries. And two, since you were not there with your husband or for Raul's roommate or her, you were there for her man. That is how she saw it and she did the right thing to protect her relationship with her man. 

Here is a thought. Did it ever occur to you that you might be wrong here and that Raul may have always had a thing for you. That maybe Raul hung around you hoping that you would dump your long distance relationship so that he would have a chance. If he was truthful to her about this then she would be nuts to allow your friendship to continue with him. Ironically, if she had posted on this forum instead of you, many people would have advised her to read the book "Not Just Friends".


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

she's threatened by your relationship and history with him and maybe thinks there was more to it than 'just friends' (maybe there was?)

your night out proved to her that you still think you can have that same relationship you had with him (if he's out with his girl why are you trying to dance with him all night)

he sounds like a decent man who is trying to show his girlfriend that there is nothing between you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> she's threatened by your relationship and history with him and maybe thinks there was more to it than 'just friends' (maybe there was?)
> 
> your night out proved to her that you still think you can have that same relationship you had with him (if he's out with his girl why are you trying to dance with him all night)
> 
> he sounds like a decent man who is trying to show his girlfriend that there is nothing between you


People have different ideas about who to dance with, when.

I grew up in the diplomatic community. The social rule is that every man dances with every woman at the social gathering at least once during the evening/event. Dancing with others in there is fine.. just no lovey slow dance, or rubbing up against anyone but your spouse/date.

I really hate it when I'm out with people and each couple only dances with their husband/date. IMHO, it's rude. It's also petty for one spouse to get jealous over one or two dances. Now if a spouse dances a whole lot with someone other then their spouse/date, that's a problem too.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When I was young I had more male friends (all plutonic) than female ones. As my guy friends got married one by one their wives nixed our friendship. While I missed them I completely respected their decisions.

You may never know what really happened but it sounds like it was a jealousy issue.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

EleGirl, for many, the dance is something only undertaken with one's partner or immediate family member. Too much can be said during a dance that would not be said otherwise.

I remember a friend's boyfriend (whom I also considered a friend) asking me for a dance at prom. I wish I'd never accepted, because he learned over and whispered intimately, "I like the way you dance. You let me lead." I steered him back to his girlfriend ASAP.

Perhaps something similar was going on here? We weren't there to know what the dancing entailed, or what was said. Going by social norms that myself and many others are familiar with, the OP would have been considered a threat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Well, my husband and I don't go out to clubs at all. Even if we did, our boundaries are set that the only person we dance with is each other. Neither of us feels it is right to dance with anyone of the opposite sex except family members/each other. The ONLY time that wasn't enforced was at our wedding reception and we had a "dollar dance" and everyone got a minute (usually less) to dance with us, and wish us well. After that... we have only ever danced with each other. And, neither of us would be comfortable if we were expected to dance with anyone else anyway. And to be expected to do so would seem rude to us. It's all a matter of what you are comfortable with.


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