# 5yo Son - Physical Contact, Sitting still, & Starting school



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Hey all.

I love my 5yo son. He's super sweet and he's my little man cub. He's always wanting to wrestle with me, and we're always play fighting or cuddling. You can tell that one of his love languages is physical contact. One of the things he does is when we're just standing there, say at the line of the grocery store or at church, if he's not cuddling or something similar, he's slapping me, or grabbing my hands, or running into me. I'm a big guy and I like to play so I don't think much of it.

The other day I was at school and I noticed that around his friends at school he was doing the same thing. Just kind of hanging on them or grabbing them and exerting force on them. It wasn't hard, and he wasn't trying to hurt them, but one of them I noticed was kind of shrugging him off like, "Hey you're annoying me get off" even though he wasn't explicitly saying it. His teacher says he gets along with the kids well and is never too rough to the other kids. I'm just worried about him socially, don't want him to be the kid that no one wants to play with because he's smothering them. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with this.

Second, he's going to be starting kindergarten in fall. As you can imagine, this kid need to run around, a lot. I know he doesn't have ADD or anything because he CAN concentrate on things he enjoys. However, if I tried to make him sit down for 6 hours there is no way he could get along. I noticed with my daughter that they only have one recess period for 20 minutes, and PE is only once a week. I'm really worried about him in school because it's the kind of structure that he will not do well in and I really want him to enjoy school (he's pretty smart, especially with math). Fundamentally I think he would do much better in the Montessori style where he gets to play more and gets to focus on things that interest him. But private school is probably not a possibility.

Has anyone had any experience with this either? Any tips or stories or alternative ideas I can incorporate into school? Back when I went to school we had 2 recesses and activity time after Lunch, if he had that I wouldn't worry about him at all.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi COguy,

You raise a couple of issues of concern.

1. Your sons style of relating to others and how others might or might not receive his friendship.

This is difficult for every parent to face. You love your child so damn much you can't imagine anyone else NOT adoring them as well. You remember the pain of friendship rejection and you don't want that to happen to your child.

You describe your son as a very loving and physically active little boy, he sounds like my nephew in that respect. Always happy, always eager to meet the next awesome adventure, always ready and willing to connect and be with others.... Yes this child might face some painful rejection at the hands of peers. 

What a parent can do to help a child is to teach them to keep their hands to themselves except with the closest people. Draw a circle and put smily faces inside the circle, these are Mom and Dad and other family he is free to touch at whim. Draw a bigger circle outside of the first circle and inside the bigger circle draw faces that represent his buddies who accept his affectionate nature. Draw a bigger circle outside of the first two circles and inside this circle are "new friends" who may not like to be touched by someone new, or may not like to be touched at all. This is a visual way to teach body boundaries.

Rejection by peers hurts, but we all survive it. We survive and continue to thrive because we are resilient. Some people are extremely resilient and others are not. Teach resilience. When something hurts our feelings, disappoints us, how we react is vital. Does he fall to pieces if he doesn't get his new toy? Does he fall to pieces if he can't go outside? If your son lacks resilience it's important to start teaching him to look on the bright side, to accept what you can't change and move on, to find a way to do what you've been told and feel good about accomplishing.

We teach our children social skills at home by teaching limits, manners, patience...if your son has the basics of these, he will soon develop better social skill as he gets older.



2. Your sons need for body movement and how his anticipated kindergarten experience might not be what is in his best interest in order to engage him while not challenging his developmental readiness to sit attentively.

I SOOO hear you on this concern. I don't think kindergarten's push to have early readers is at all appropriate for most 5-6 year olds. I don't think the heavy emphasis on academics is age appropriate and I think it is counter productive to teaching young children How To Learn nor A Love Of Learning and those two are what early education is all about!

Stepping off soap box... Unless your child is an advanced reader, I would reccommend a private school such as Montessori that takes the child's developmental age as premium guide instead of nationally normed test results!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My 13 year old daughter and my SO (her dad, my ex- husband, we're reconciling) were both just dx with ADHD. "But how can they have ADHD when they are perfectly capable of concentrating on XYZ for a long period of time?" Because they enjoy it. It's the things they do not enjoy that they are not able to concentrate on.

For example, in high school I loved English/Grammar and could concentrated on it fully. I did not enjoy math and science. But I could still concentrate on them because I had to, and I do not have ADHD. An ADHDer would not be able to concentrate on something that does not interest them.

About the physical contact. You're describing my nephew. They've gotten him (and his dad and his little sister) in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. He has totally excelled (he is 7). It helps him so much to get out his need to wrestle, grab, squeeze in a very productive way.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I recommend martial arts. It is teaching my 6 yr old son self-control. Yes he still plays rough during school pick up, but all the boys do and none of the moms seem to stop them. In fact some dads encourage it which confuses me. Maybe its a man thing. They want their boys tough. Anyway, I also tried legos. He has to sit for that. I brought him to toys r us, gave him $5 and told him he only had that to spend. He was happy he got to choose his own lego, plus the smaller boxes are easier for me to do and take less time and there is a sense of accomplishment.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Look at charter schools, if they have them in your area. Anon Pink is right, the push for heavy instruction at the kinder level, is not developmentally appropriate. But it's what all public schools are doing have been doing for quite some time. It's what happens when politicians make decisions best left to other experts. 

But...it should be noted, that most Kindergarten teachers get the standards aren't appropriate and adapt as needed. They add in movement breaks, encourage kids to learn while wiggling, and do more experimental learning. So he might not be as lost as you are afraid of. 

And what your describing sounds like a typical 5 year old. Learning how to behave towards peers will happen naturally. They will self monitor.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry I just saw this, COGuy - 

I like the idea of defining who he touches. Some people don't like to be touched and this feels like an invasion of personal space to them. This circle is a simple and great visual and teachers will use the term "keep your hands to yourselves" so it will resonate with him regularly.

As to being restless, most teachers get it. They may spend 30 minutes sitting still then everyone gets up to come onto the floor for circle time and the teacher breaks up the day into little chunks of time separated by moving a bit. You can certainly tell any teachers that he is very active but attentive. A good teacher will let children stand at a desk instead of sit (they are adjustable) or let the more restless kids pass out things or help get the crayons, or other helpful chores that let them move. 

He'll be fine - having a little lovebug is great.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Sounds like your son has sensory processing disorder. My son does and affects him in many ways. He doesn't like certain foods, doesn't like his head underwater, squeezes tight when he hugs, is very rough physically with me and H, chews on lots of things.

Kindergarten may be tough for him. Kids are expected to sit still and listen. And it is during kindergarten when kids start deciding who they want to be friends with. My son is a bit emotionally immature, so he still saw everyone in the class as his friend through kindergarten. He tried so hard to be friends with this one child, but the boy wanted nothing to do with my son. My son is quirky, touchy, active, and just a lot to be around. 

Looking back, I wish I had held my son back one year. But he's doing better now. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Looking back, I wish I had held my son back one year. But he's doing better now. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you expound on that a little? How would this have been beneficial in your opinion.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

COguy said:


> Can you expound on that a little? How would this have been beneficial in your opinion.


I held my youngest back, gave her an extra year of preschool rather than preK.

It gives the child a full year to mature a little bit more. A year for a child that age is a LONG time. Every child grows and learns at their own pace and you simply cannot rush it. They learn when they are ready to learn. If you remain concerned about your child's success or level of struggle to reach success, giving them another year to mature is in everyone's benefit. *Especially since the competitive nature of education places a premium on early results instead of early readiness.*


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