# Holidays and Inlaws, need ideas help



## Glacialiceland (Nov 14, 2010)

So as everyone knows the holidays are around the corner which I love. I am married and have a close relationship with my family and a great relationship with my husband. As far as my inlaws go, they like me and at times I like them and then there are days were I just really dont like them and I won't even mention the enormous amount of guilt I feel. I think it all stems from when my husband and I were dating and was a less than perfect girlfriend and I was maturing while I was dating my husband and dealing with a severly overmeshed family which is really dysfunctional and daddy issues which thank God, I am better now~ hence my relationship with my then boyfriend now husband. Why the disclaimer? Because, while my husband and I dated for about 5 years his mom would act shady. But for the past 2 years that we have been married, things resolved and now the inlaw relationship is good. However, I am left with this itty bitty detinating problem. I have a really hard saying no to my mother in law and she stirrs this really raw emotion in me, is she wants us to come over or be part of an event she calls me because let me just come out and say it I am a push over a bit, I hate it because it gets toxic. And now that the holidays are coming I don't want to unite my dysfunctional caretaking, overly analytical, passive aggressive, guilt but sweet hispanic famliy with their conservative highly opinionated abrasive but good caucasion family. I have done it the past years and so I am not sure if they expect it but I started a differnt job recently and there are has been some personal family stirred up issues and I just reallywant a break this holiday and keep the 2 crazy families separate, the thing is that I am going to visit them tonight for dinner by myself and I have a real hard time being myself so I need some ideas as to how to say that this year we (my husband ) and I want to keep things separate, while at the same time dealing with my sis in law who is the favored baby and we et a long but is quick to say "I'm coming", Or I'll be there or can I come? let me explain she doesnt get the point.......... all while me super strong, in your face mother in law is watching, I mean she is really cool but ugh this is why its so tough, does this make sense to anyone......any ideas?:scratchhead:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Are you going over there tonight to make the holiday plans? Or is it just dinner?

It sounds to me like you're making this into a big dramatic exit for you and your husband from the holidays when it probably doesn't have to be that way. If it were me, I'd just make some plans for the holidays with my husband (reservations for Thanksgiving dinner somewhere, or whatever, just be sure you and he are on the same page and have a plan) and when the discussion about the holiday plans and schedule comes up, say "oh, sorry...we can't. Hubby and I made plans already." Then stick to it. You don't have to ask permission, issue invites or justify it. But a big announcement and discussion will get you knocking heads and in the middle of drama super fast.

You guys are grown ups, you don't need to make a grand production, you don't need to be rude, but you also don't need a hall pass to spend your holidays relaxing as a couple.


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## Glacialiceland (Nov 14, 2010)

I am just going for dinner but I know that the questions is coming, "so what are you doing for christmas eve" and I just want to spend it with my fam, my sis and bro want to bring their inlaws but like I mentioned i dont, and my husband totally understands. I guess this is why I feel so bad because im singling them out.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You aren't singling them out...you're making your own plans. There are TONS of families that don't have both sides there for the holidays, it's not unusual at all. In fact, my family won't show up anywhere that my husband's family is. So it's not that strange. If you're calm and resolute, it'll be fine. It's not a fight, it's what grownups do....figure out their holiday plans. And once we're grown up, those plans don't always include our parents. We just figure out how to get some quality time in with everyone at some point. But it's definitely the first time or two that's hardest.


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

OP, hard as it is, the only way out of this is for you to become a LOT more assertive. And your DH needs to help with this. You must learn to say no in direct confrontation with your own feelings of guilt. Until then your MIL will not respect you and will keep walking all over you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Chrysalis said:


> OP, hard as it is, the only way out of this is for you to become a LOT more assertive. And your DH needs to help with this. You must learn to say no in direct confrontation with your own feelings of guilt. Until then your MIL will not respect you and will keep walking all over you.


Ummm... This thread is really old. I can see you're reopening a bunch of in law threads, but you may just want to start your own. Just a suggestion...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> I can see you're reopening a bunch of in law threads












u mad?


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