# Fast reaching breaking point



## ASmileForTheWorld (Jun 14, 2017)

Hey everyone. I’m new to relationship forums and have never shared any of my marital issues with anyone except my closest friends and family but things are getting pretty complicated for me in this respect. 

The backstory is that my wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for nine of those. We met at uni, hooked up when we were flatmates in second year and have lived together happily without coming up against anything major until about three years ago. The problems have just been getting steadily worse since. 

Basically, when we became parents for the first time in 2013, she devoted most of her time to socialising with a new circle of friends and I felt very much pushed to the periphery. I imagine a lot of working dads feel this way, truth be told, and my 4hr daily commute didn’t help matters – I only had quality time with my son at weekends. 

A year went by and I realised things had to change if I wanted to be a part of my son’s life. After much negotiation with my employer, it became clear that flexible working or dropping to part-time hours to be with my family wasn’t an option. Given the childcare and commuting costs we were paying each month, I made the difficult decision to leave a job that I loved and set up business for myself as there were no similar opportunities closer to where we lived.

Things were understandably very tough financially for the first 18 months and there was a lot of stress on both our shoulders. It was also during this time that my wife had a major health scare and, as far as I can remember, the start of her character shift began. I’ve never been made to feel quite as awful as she made me feel during those turbulent months after she got the all-clear. What should have been a period of celebration and positivity after we’d both been suffering the agony of not knowing what we were dealing with, instead became a blame game. She became so vile and poisonous. 

As time wore on, she’d accuse me of trying to steal her friends from her if I socialised with mutual friends just because she happened to befriend these people and their kids whilst on mat leave – they were hers. She was their friend first. These are our neighbours. People we both know well. I was constantly berated because she felt they liked me more than her, all of this seemed to be built up from her own insecurities. 

Working for myself meant I got to look after my son during the days (to avoid childcare costs as well as to finally spend quality time with him) and then work evenings and weekends on the business so I got to making a lot of new friends. She quite obviously resented the fact that my previously introverted nature was being replaced by a more confident and happier me. This hurt a lot. I’ve always encouraged her and supported her in everything she’s done and yet she was allowing herself to be consumed by her jealousy and competitive nature. 

I genuinely thought it might be the financial stress the business was taking as I’d never seen this side of her before but it wasn’t. Business picked up, the finances picked up but it didn’t change her behaviour one bit. She would openly threaten divorce whenever the mood took her, even front of our son. I would even come under fire for cleaning the house as utterly ridiculous as that sounds! I’ve always been the one that likes a tidy house but I’ve never seen anyone lose it quite as emphatically as she would if I moved her slippers from the middle of the room or hung up a coat so she didn’t know where it was.

After months of this, she then dropped the bombshell out of the blue that she wanted another child. Given how bad things had been, I was in no rush to get pregnant again and I told her how bemused I was that after shouting ‘divorce’, in the next breath she was wanting another child. She just brushed it off by saying that I knew she never meant it. I explained that things had to get a lot better between us before I would even entertain the thought of having a second child and, in fairness, things did. For the next three months, things were great… until we got pregnant… back came all the ****.

I’d been relying heavily on family and friends for support during all of this but one friend in particular, I’ve always clicked with and we’d open up to each other a lot. She’s our married neighbour and this is where a seriously crappy situation gets even more screwed up. I came to rely on spending so much time with her for support and to generally forget all the crap that was going on at home, that I stupidly let myself start to develop feelings for her. 

I’ve basically been involved in an EA with her for about the last two years and it’s like a different kind of hell to the one I endure daily in my own home. I must be glutton for punishment but I’m finding it so difficult to let her go even though I know I have to for my own sanity. If it weren’t for the severe marital problems we’re having, I doubt this would have happened but, as it stands, it has blossomed into its own torturous subplot.

The main problem is, as a close friend and neighbour, I can’t actually avoid seeing her. We’ll always end up having coffee with our group of friends or socialising with the kids. It’s like an addiction I can’t kick and the circumstances aren’t helping matters. Nothing’s ever happened between us but we are close and she has openly told me that she feels she clicks with me but not with my wife, and how great it would be if we could spend time together without always having to feel the need to have her there. She did backtrack quickly after saying that but I’d been so desperately wanting to close the book on the whole issue only to then find myself right back at square one!

I don’t know how to untangle this mess. I’m at breaking point with my wife and it makes me cringe having to listen to her constantly berate the kids all day from the relative sanctuary of my home office. She has no patience with them at all and the short temper she has with me is directed at them just as much these days. To top it all off, after all these years of being faithful and respecting the vows we made to one another, I openly admit that if the offer was made with respect to the neighbour, I would seize it with both hands. I’ve just been ground down to a point where I simply don’t care anymore coupled with the fact that I feel a stronger emotional connection to my close friend. 

To think that just a few short years ago, things were so different is quite scary. It’s like a different life. We’ve become two different people and I’m starting to feel we’ve probably grown apart whereas before we were growing together. The only thing keeping me from walking right now is my children.

Anyway, I’ve rambled on and this has become a pretty epic post. Sorry about that. If anyone has managed to read as far as this, I’d really like to hear a different perspective or if anyone can relate to any of the various aspects I’m going through just now and share their experiences, that would be much appreciated. If anything, it just helps for me to get it off my chest as it’s been dragging me down for so long now.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What is you want? are you trying to justify an affair, are you wanting to divorce and move on ? are you wanting to stay together? i am not sure you know what you want.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You both need to have a come to jesus talk. Go to marriage counseling if you both wish to save the marriage. If you one of you doesn't, time to split up your crap and start over. It's really simple. But it takes you two having a real honest and hard conversation. 

Honestly, it sounds like she needs to get on some meds to control anxiety/depression. She needs to see a doctor. Something isn't right.


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## ASmileForTheWorld (Jun 14, 2017)

Thank you for your replies.

I'm honestly not trying to justify an affair, no. For a start, my head is screwed on well enough to know that no possible good can come of it, only a hell of a lot more pain for both families involved as well as our group of mutual friends. The feelings I have can't be simply switched off though and distance isn't an option in this case, obviously. One of the main issues is that I can't really talk this out with anyone as all of my closest friends know her and my family all live a long way away (plus have a lot going on in their own lives). I realise it was my own stupid fault for allowing her to become my shoulder to cry on but it's one of those things I really didn't see coming until it was too late. I have a number of female friends but I've never connected with any of them like this.

Marriage counselling is something I would potentially consider but I have two fears with going that route. 

My wife doesn't talk about our issues at all well and will instantly jump on the defensive if I try to bring up a calm discussion about the growing problems we're facing. Would she go for it? Very hard to say but she's so obsessed with how the world sees her and judges her that seeking help would be admitting there was something seriously wrong that's beyond her capabilities to fix. She's a very proud woman and doesn't like to seem weak in front of others.

That leads on to my second fear which is that all the details of my feelings for our friend will come out in the talks. I know in her present state, she couldn't handle that and neither could our marriage, despite the fact that nothing physical has ever happened. The thought that I'd become so close to another woman to have developed such as strong connection, particularly a mutual friend, would be crippling.

I know things can't continue the way things are and, as I said, if there were no children involved, I think the realisation that we've reached a tipping point would make the best choice a lot more obvious to me. The question is am I doing more long-term damage to my children's perception of us/life/relationships by staying or would it be better for everyone if we separated. This is basically where I'm at right now.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You know it is wrong and only hurting things...these feelings for your neighbour.

If you lost the feelings for your neighbour, would it change your feelings about your wife?

Too late... that is the past uncontrolled at the point of full failure.

Falling out of an airplane without a parachute, that is too late.

This is not... unless you choose it to be so.


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## ASmileForTheWorld (Jun 14, 2017)

I do think there may be some truth to the anxiety/depression suggestion but again, she's the sort of person who would see it as admitting she isn't strong enough to fix a problem herself. 

I'll try and broach the subject with her as she's undoubtedly suffered a huge personality shift. She's always had a competitive streak but it's become all consuming, and any time I try to talk about something that has particularly frustrated me with work, the kids, <insert typical daily occurence>, she always seeks to switch the focus on to her and how much worse she has things in comparison. Instead of getting the support and understanding you're supposed to offer one another in a relationship, it's like she turns it into a game of one-up-manship instead. 

She even belittles me and cracks jokes at my expense in front of friends which I've spoken to her about but she's dismissed as me being petty. I know it's a self-esteem issue but it doesn't make it any easier to turn a blind eye to.


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## ASmileForTheWorld (Jun 14, 2017)

Losing feelings for someone you care deeply for is easier said than done, especially after letting it reach this point, but no, I don't think it would improve things with my wife. The timeline doesn't fit as we began having problems before my feelings began to develop. I wouldn't have necessarily become close enough with the neighbour had the problems not been ongoing but the marital issues would have been there regardless. It is the symptom, in this case, not the cause - although, I'll admit, it may have shifted to become a contributing cause for my being prepared to leave were it not for the kids.

Ultimately, I turned to my friends for support because it got to the point where I just felt worthless and unwanted in my own home (something I have told my wife).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

That is true about feeling for someone you care about, and suffering is easier done than said when it hits that crescendo... but the truth of love is that it does build and wane based on how we feed it, and that is choice.

Having relationship problems creates a vacuum that is easily fed by wandering emotions, you don't really need to be informed of that though... you are living it.

Even through her unmindful behavior she cannot make you feel worthless and unwanted... you have to accept her delivery.

Your boundaries are there for you, not her, where have you drawn them?

Your neighbour is married also... I would think this the first boundary to address. You are going to have to sacrifice your fears and your feelings for another man's wife in order to make this better.

Second is what you accept when things are cutting with your spouse, can she see she is weak when she is not wanting to be seen as weak? Probably not, but it may take counseling for her to see that pride like such is not strengthening, it is detrimental to being strong. 

I believe the bright feelings you feel for another are blinding you to helping your wife in the way many waywards fall away from when they cannot see the path. 

Be careful, the heat from the light will scorch the greener grass...


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