# Regrets and questions



## FlMedic (Dec 5, 2016)

I'm here mostly because I need some direction. 

Recently I started regretting some major event in my life, getting married. It's not that I don't love my wife, I do very much. She's my world, especially after all that's gone on in our lives. I just kind regret moving too fast. Looking back the sad fact is that I never really dated anyone before her. At times I feel like I missed out on a lot of things. Part of that is just being human, who can say the don't think about the what if's. The other part probably comes from my own personal experience with getting cancer at 30 years old. 

I feel like I lost so much because of that. I lost the chance to have kids at least the old fashioned way. I get to wake up every morning and slather on some gel so I get enough testosterone in my system just to feel normal. The one thing I thought I had gained from the experience was that I should enjoy life and make the best of things. Which in my own way I have kind of. Where I used to want kids, I'm now glad not to have what seems like a drain on my time and money. I don't have to worry about getting to the point of feeling like I'm suffering from low testosterone and talk to my doctor about it when I'm in my 60's, I'll have been on it for 30 years by then.

Sorry for the rant. I guess deep down I'm still very upset with the whole thing even after a few years of being healthy and well. The thing is it also made me want to go out and experience life more. So I did. In the form of an online affair with another woman on the other side of the globe. It felt amazing to be wanted and needed again. To find someone new and interesting. To explore different things. It ended and I realize that after talking with this woman that the grass isn't always greener. It may feel like it, but truth is it's exchanging one issue for another.

So here I am. On to my new issue. For some reason I've had the urge to go and cheat on my wife. Once again I keep telling myself a few things. First that I owe it to myself. That I went through hell and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My friends are off with pretty decent lives, kids, good marriage, on and on. Why shouldn't I be happy too? The other is that I hate the thought that I missed out on something. We have an okay sex life and I'm almost sure there's guy's here that would trade what they have for what I have. I just can't help but feel like something is missing. The sad truth is I never really touched another woman. At this point all I want is something with no strings, just something physical. Just so maybe I don't feel like I've missed out on something. 

Yes I know I'm a horrible person. My wife of almost 8 years sitting in the hospital with me as I lay in the bed not knowing if I was going to be okay. The same woman that goes with me to every oncology appointment because she knows I'm scared about what the results may be even though I'm pretty much in the clear. Fine I'm a ****ty person/husband for wanting this. I do try and be the husband she needs, deserves and wants, just like she does for me. 

I haven't done anything yet, if only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet when I found myself pricing escorts and trying to find a way to hide it all I knew I had an issue. One that I want to fix. Because I'm scared where it might lead me. It might give me what I wanted, a chance to experience the "single" life I never really had but it's too great of a cost.

Has anyone else been down this road? What does it take to stop these feelings? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You are about to destroy your life for a stupefyingly huge lode of absolutely nothing.

Once you've done that, and the smoldering ruin of your life is laid bare before you, remember that I said that.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

There is a chance that an escort can give you something penicillin can't cure.

Have you talked to your wife about this? I think you need to get some therapy and be thankful for the wife and life you have.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You feel the way you feel because you're selfish.

Gus is right. If you don't check yourself, things are going to go downhill quick for you. And you'll regret ever having thought of all the "stuff you missed". Quit trying to give yourself a pass. You aren't trying to be a good husband to her. That would be like Brutus saying he's a loyal servant of Caesar all the while contemplating his assassination.

Stop thinking about yourself, and work on your marriage. That is were you will find fulfillment.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Where did you get the idea you could fix "anything" (you or your relationship) by having an affair? Did you think coaching or counseling wasn't exciting enough? You are in your thirties, your impulse control should be a lot stronger. All you did was muck things up. 

Listen here, the grass is greener where you water it. Did you ever think you might have had an affair with your wife? Why can't you make the life you have exciting? Make your wife your lover, not your mommy...

I don't have much time tonight. Let me leave you with this, for now. That victim card doesn't go far around here. You'll have to get out of that victim chair and stand up before anything will move forward. Are you ready for that?


Best


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry for the ordeal you've suffered at such a young age. 

Just think of how much more isolating it would have felt, if you'd been fighting it all alone. 

Because you're on a sure path to ending up alone.

Does your wife know about your online affair?


----------



## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Your story is very familiar to mine, but from the other side. 

Does your W know about your online affair?

My H was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, and was doing well despite being stage 4. We have been married 20 years and together for 25. We had always had what I thought was a wonderful marriage... 3 kids, great sex.. I thought we were best friends. A few months ago, I caught him in a 6 month on-line affair. To my knowledge the affair never went physical, but the betrayal I felt was just as powerful as if it had.

Since then, we tried and failed to reconcile, and basically live as roommates now... separate bedrooms, only really discussing the children's needs and household issues. There is no more sex, there is no more trust. We were heading toward full separation when his cancer returned. Now I feel I cannot leave him as his prognosis is very bad, even though I am no longer invested in our marriage. So we merely co-exist and co-parent.

Please consider how this would affect your marriage. If it's not a marriage you want to save, then get a divorce and then move on and experience other women as much as you want. But why hurt someone who stood by you when you needed her the most? From experience I can tell you that hurts like hell and can be impossible (at least it was for me) to forgive.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Life isn't always fun. Our total level of happiness and success is dependent upon what we feel, how we behave, and the interaction between the two.


> Sorry for the rant. I guess deep down I'm still very upset with the whole thing even after a few years of being healthy and well. The thing is it also made me want to go out and experience life more. So I did. In the form of an online affair with another woman on the other side of the globe. It felt amazing to be wanted and needed again. To find someone new and interesting. To explore different things. It ended and I realize that after talking with this woman that the grass isn't always greener. It may feel like it, but truth is it's exchanging one issue for another.


You are in the search for hormones. Hormones *never* last. Don't conflate hormones with authentic experiences that you've missed out on. What you are in for is a ride on an untameable bull.

We always see individuals procrastinating and suffering the wrath long-term, or by acting on a whim, also suffering in the long-term. Why this is true is a long-winded explanation that I will spare you for today.



> So here I am. On to my new issue. For some reason I've had the urge to go and cheat on my wife. Once again I keep telling myself a few things. First that I owe it to myself. That I went through hell and feel like I have nothing to show for it. My friends are off with pretty decent lives, kids, good marriage, on and on. Why shouldn't I be happy too? The other is that I hate the thought that I missed out on something. We have an okay sex life and I'm almost sure there's guy's here that would trade what they have for what I have. I just can't help but feel like something is missing. The sad truth is I never really touched another woman. At this point all I want is something with no strings, just something physical. Just so maybe I don't feel like I've missed out on something.


You owe what to yourself? ________________

Why shouldn't you be happy, too? That is your responsibility. Believe me, I take plenty of flak for some of my heterodox beliefs/advice. But it is from an incredibly positive place. You can do very little to make the world around you conform to what you need it to. What you can do is work on yourself. Only you can make yourself happy. We have to do this, pretty much no matter what our circumstances are. Someone can always say they have worse life conditions than you. Some have better life conditions than you and they are miserable. Rarely is there a blanket excuse for genuine misery. That means that all of these circumstances stem from you, that is, the agreements, associations and commitments that you have to life.

What is missing with your sex life?

What do you get out of a sexual fling 10 years after the fact?


> Yes I know I'm a horrible person. My wife of almost 8 years sitting in the hospital with me as I lay in the bed not knowing if I was going to be okay. The same woman that goes with me to every oncology appointment because she knows I'm scared about what the results may be even though I'm pretty much in the clear. Fine I'm a ****ty person/husband for wanting this. I do try and be the husband she needs, deserves and wants, just like she does for me.


You have identified the consequences to your actions. You know the circumstance. What you are missing is some understanding about them along with rational self-doubt. I don't believe you are an awful person. I believe you lack impulse control and need help with self-awareness.  These are simple things that you can do to fix this problem. They do require time and energy, but isn't it worth it?



> I haven't done anything yet, if only because the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet when I found myself pricing escorts and trying to find a way to hide it all I knew I had an issue. One that I want to fix. Because I'm scared where it might lead me. It might give me what I wanted, a chance to experience the "single" life I never really had but it's too great of a cost.


You don't have your catalyst. You need to wake up and look more seriously at the consequences that you know are there. Do this:

Write down on a piece of paper that if you cheat, your wife will find out and you will be required to get divorced. What cognitions does that thought arouse within you? After all, it should be considered that the relationship fails due to this affair. Is that something that you are willing to give up for 5-10 minutes of pleasure? Have you considered that even if she stays with you the cost that it has on her? Have you considered the incredible healing that you will have to go through regardless of the outcome. All of this for an odd night of sex.


> Has anyone else been down this road? What does it take to stop these feelings? Why do I feel the way I do? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?


You can and should be happy. The affair will certainly make your life worse, even if you got away with it.

Please answer the questions and consider what I laid out for you.


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Suck it up OP. Your marriage is good. Your wife is supportive of you. Why do you want to dog her like that? I’m going to say something and I say it with compassion, you need a swift kick in the ass.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

If getting cancer and going through chemo didn't get you to count your blessings, no one here will.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I think it is time for some massively open communication between you and your wife. Talk to her about how you are feeling. Everyone handles serious illness in different ways, and you seem to be handling it with the "OMG there is so much I haven't done or tried" way.

She sounds like a good, supportive wife. If you approach her with how difficult it is for you to talk to her about this, and also express to her that you are worried about her reaction. Then proceed on to tell her the whole truth, including the online affair.

As of right now, you have no one to hold you responsible for your actions and desires. If you allow your wife in, then you have much more accountability, and she can help you stay on the moral straight and narrow.

Having meaningless physical affairs will only serve to cheapen who you are. It will be playing Russian roulette. Is it worth it just to experience an orgasm with a different person or two? Buy your wife some different role play lingerie (French maid, naughty nurse) and become different people for a wild night of passion. 

You are headed down a path of total emptiness and misery because you are feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to be on that path, divorce your wife so you don't drag her down it with you, she certianly doesn't deserve it.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The problem is you, not your wife or your circumstances. Circumstances always change, your wife it there to work on it together. You are the one that has to change though. You are going to blow up your world and your poor wife. And you already cheated on her once. This will not end well for you and you will not end up happy I am afraid.

You are not entitled to more then a woman who loves you. No one is.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wow, it's the _*"All About FlMedic Show"*_ - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Grab your crying towels boys and girls, and join the pity party already in progress.

Yesterday, we left Mr. Medic sadly ruminating about how unfair life is because of his inability to attract women in his youth and have all kinds of sex and debauchery with them. Due to his failings in his misspent youth, he feels he's missed out in life and deserves to make up for that loss. Now that he's finally got some sexual experience under his belt because some woman _finally_ found him worthy of touching, he suddenly thinks he's Mr. Stud and needs to get out and hit them two at a time. 

And let's not forget all that cam experience he now has, jerking off for some pitiful woman across the world who found his little chicken-choking dog and pony show 'hot.'

Mr. Medic is also crying foul that due to his medical issues, there may not be any kids in his marriage. Strangely enough, he doesn't even mention how something this life-altering might be affecting his dedicated wife whose given him 100% loyalty since day #1. No, he doesn't even venture to wonder how something this devastating might be affecting HER, although surely he knows most women do dream of having children and she's possibly been robbed of that. Yet, there she sat at the hospital bedside of Mr. Medic and continues to join him for every doctor appointment while _his_ only concern in life right now is how to score himself some strange tail.

Let's pity the poor guy. He had ZERO experience when he met his wife and here he is 8 years later, crying that sex is just not exciting. One would have to wonder how someone who had no sexual experience *at all* until some woman finally decided to be with him has now suddenly become such an _expert_ on sex. Yup, it boggles the mind. Because I'm going to lay money down that he's such a bore in the sack that his wife is probably fake moaning as she's mentally making out her grocery list while he thinks he's rocking her world. 

So, what's a poor deprived guy *dying* to experience the 'single' life to _DO_? 

I vote that he put on his best leisure suit, trot on down to the local nightclub, and hit on all the hot young ladies because I'm willing to bet they'll all be lining up to be with our hero, Mr. Medic. Yes sir. Oh - and be sure to slather on some extra Testosterone for the evening, because you'll be scoring big time. :smthumbup:


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You are about to destroy your life for a stupefyingly huge lode of absolutely nothing.
> 
> Once you've done that, and the smoldering ruin of your life is laid bare before you, remember that I said that.


*I'd go one bold step closer in saying that professional and/or pastoral counseling is now in order to help save this marriage!

I just cannot find any valid rationale nor justification for these self-serving feelings of yours!*


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

All pu$$y is the same. You aren't missing out. You and your wife need to spice up the sex. Sex in different places (road head, bathrooms, cars, etc). Bring in some toys. Watch some porn. Is she done with kids? Maybe get her a boob job/tummy tuck.


----------



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

sokillme said:


> The problem is you, not your wife or your circumstances. Circumstances always change, your wife it there to work on it together. You are the one that has to change though. You are going to blow up your world and your poor wife. And you already cheated on her once. This will not end well for you and you will not end up happy I am afraid.
> 
> You are not entitled to more then a woman who loves you. No one is.



Well said. We are lucky to find one that loves us much less two. What you want is a piece of A##. IF that is really what you want then get a divorce and go crazy. Then when the smoke clears and you are left with nothing you will truly feel like a piece of garbage. Then you will have to start over and will be asking the question: "Why cant I find love"

Gimme a break dude. Wake the F up!


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am going to go against the grain here, but I do from the standpoint of experience. I too lived when I should have died. Just as the OP did. There is a very real aspect of surviving something that you think you shouldn't have, it is called survivors remorse. It sounds as though the OP is suffering from that. It is very easy for those on the outside to cast aspersions. I know because I suffered through them for years.

I had flesh eating bacteria in my right tricep muscle about 20 years ago. I went through five major surgeries in five days. After the last surgery, they told my wife that I wasn't going to live through the night and to call in my family. They said IF on the slim possibility that I lived through the night they were going to take my right arm above the shoulder. I lived thru the night, but they didn't have to take the arm. But I have very little of my tricep left. I can move my arm, but have no strength. It has affected my life dramatically. I cannot work out the way I used to. I cannot play sports like I used to. I cannot do carpentry like I used to. I am not whole, even though most people think I should be.

While I was in the hospital, my wife was there everyday. In fact she claimed to be the reason I lived. She said she went to the chapel and said a prayer for me and was overcome with peace. She told me this later. In the meantime I came out of my coma after 10 days and the first thought was "I need to divorce my wife" I have no idea where the thought came from, but I felt guilty as hell having had it. I never told anyone about that thought until after she divorced me.

After I got out of the hospital, I was offered counseling. I declined. I had the same attitude that so many here have. I felt the fact that I lived was all I needed. I should just be happy and count my blessings. I tried to live the attitude, but I KNEW I wasn't whole. I felt guilty for living. I felt guilty for having thought I should divorce my wife. It clouded every aspect of my life since then. 
In response to my guilt I devoted myself to my family. After all I had been given another day on earth with them and that was all that should matter! But that wasn't the case. In the end I gave up who I was out of guilt. I stopped being me and became a doormat. The things I did do for myself, always seemed to come back to bite me in the azz. I got to the point of just waiting to die. I had given up on life. Especially after my family no longer needed me.

My advise to the OP is get counseling for survivor's remorse. Do this before you do something stupid. I would never advise anyone to cheat or have an affair and I am not going to now. What you are feeling is real, it comes from the depth of your soul. If you feel as though you haven't lived, you owe it to your wife to explain this to her. It may end your marriage, it may make it stronger. She may not understand, just as many of those who have posted responses to you do not understand. But you owe her honesty as much as it may hurt both of you. Or you can ignore it all and live a lie for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, she is innocent and does not deserve to be hurt and betrayed.

OP your life has changed and so have you. You need to figure this out before you cause unnecessary pain to others. You need to be honest and give your loved ones the opportunity to accept your change. Otherwise you may end up exactly where I am today - divorced through no choice of your own. Get counseling, not for your marriage, but for yourself.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Well said. We are lucky to find one that loves us much less two. What you want is a piece of A##. IF that is really what you want then get a divorce and go crazy. Then when the smoke clears and you are left with nothing you will truly feel like a piece of garbage. Then you will have to start over and will be asking the question: "Why cant I find love"
> 
> Gimme a break dude. Wake the F up!


More like grow up.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Kinda been there OP...you lived. Now your thinking you need to do this dramatic thing because you realize how fragile and brief life really is. 

Having thoughts or fantasies about this isnt the problem...Hell, I have fond memories of piles of blow, strippers and pros that looked like super models...The thing is, that stuff doesnt matter. Not really, not like your building up. 

The thing that does matter, though, the only thing that outlasts us, is the lives we touch and the memories we make. You have a wife that stood by you, loves you. The way you treat her matters. The memories that you make with her matter. 

I have a wife that stood by me, helped me come home when NO one else would. Believed in me when no one else did. Just like yours. Repay your wifes love and dedication with honor, respect, appreciation and of course love.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Dude, if you want the single life, then get divorced and have it. A guy like you shouldn't be married.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sent you a PM. I'm not joining the BS crowd here - i hear you and believe you need to go through the stages of grieving. I don't think you're a bad guy and I don't think your thoughts are abnormal - this is how many of us panic with cancer.

The key is to not act on this and instead process it. Come back and continue to post 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

You are ruining things with your wife. Seek professional help ASAP. There is no excuse for what u are thinking of doing.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> All pu$$y is the same.


That's like saying all tools, such as hammers are the same. They're mostly the same, some bigger, some smaller, some have a loose handle, but all in all it's not the tool, it's how it's used.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Op

I'm curious, how many doctors have to stand next to your hospital bed and tell you that you shouldn't be alive, before you get to crawl on the pity pity poor me train? 

After about the 8th one I quit listening. Yeah, so what I just survived a massive heart attack that ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I shouldn't have survived. Less talking about how I should be dead and more talking about the future. How do I move on from here. 

I move on by making the most of everyday and busting my azz to secure my family's future. I work even harder to make sure they don't want for anything. Most importantly, I tell them how much I love and appreciate everyone of them. Every day! 

There was no one there with me. I was 500 miles from home. I called my wife from the table to tell her I loved her and then the big pains started. 

Just me, the doctors in the little bitty town Hospital, the crushing weight on my chest, and the good Lord. I remember vividly staring at the lights in the emergency room and thinking, Shtt, I guess this is it. 2 hours later the life flight landed and I was rushed to the operating room at University Hospital in Omaha. 

I called her the next morning and let her know I was OK, or at least I was alive. Lol. She had called the hospital literally every hour over the night asking how I was doing. I told her if all went well I would be out in 3 days and I was looking forward to seeing her. I didn't want her there is shtt hit the fan. 

3 days later she came and got me and took me home. That night after I fibbed to her about being clear for sex, I made love to my wife, because I wasn't about to let a heart attack stand between us. 

Yeah, she was pissed she she found out I fibbed about it. 

I love my wife! 

Dude, you need to man the fvck up and appreciate the second chance!


----------

