# Thinking about the future.



## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

So, I am newly seperated, not yet divorced. It's only been 2 months. I want to be clear that I would give just about anything to reconcile with my husband but he doesn't want to even try, mainly because he has developed an emotional affair and is in "the fog" of it. Since he is set on divorce, I find myself wondering about the future, every aspect of it, and it's daunting. I can reason that certain aspects will move along through life without a bump, but there are numerous concerns I have... one being a future relationship with someone else. I am terrified of the thought, yet I do not want to be alone forever either. My husband is the only man I have ever been with in a sexual way, I don't know if I could ever get over my nerves of the idea of sharing myself with someone else. I know I shouldn't be thinking of these things yet, I should take it one day at a time, but ya know when you're alone, or in the shower, these thoughts creep into your fragile mind and cause havoc. I am worried I will be alone forever....  Suggestion? Is this a normal part of seperation?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ixy87 said:


> So, I am newly seperated, not yet divorced. It's only been 2 months. I want to be clear that I would give just about anything to reconcile with my husband but he doesn't want to even try, mainly because he has developed an emotional affair and is in "the fog" of it. Since he is set on divorce, I find myself wondering about the future, every aspect of it, and it's daunting. I can reason that certain aspects will move along through life without a bump, but there are numerous concerns I have... one being a future relationship with someone else. I am terrified of the thought, yet I do not want to be alone forever either. My husband is the only man I have ever been with in a sexual way, I don't know if I could ever get over my nerves of the idea of sharing myself with someone else. I know I shouldn't be thinking of these things yet, I should take it one day at a time, but ya know when you're alone, or in the shower, these thoughts creep into your fragile mind and cause havoc. I am worried I will be alone forever....  Suggestion? Is this a normal part of seperation?


Everyone has these thoughts when they are were you are now. Please give yourself permission to also believe that you may find someone better then a guy who cheats on you though. After all many people have had sex with more then one person. Almost everyone in the world has fallen in love, lost that love somehow and then fallen in love again. 

Most people don't end up with their first love for their whole life, and it kinda makes sense when you think of it because usually when you meet your first love you are so young you do so in a reality that is very much not where you will end up. Meaning you are still to young and don't know enough or have enough responsibilities to know what is really important. The relationship hasn't been tested with real life pressures. I say this not to minimize your pain, but you are not going through anything that most people haven't gone through at some point in their lives. Almost all end up getting over it and being happy again. You will too!


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > So, I am newly seperated, not yet divorced. It's only been 2 months. I want to be clear that I would give just about anything to reconcile with my husband but he doesn't want to even try, mainly because he has developed an emotional affair and is in "the fog" of it. Since he is set on divorce, I find myself wondering about the future, every aspect of it, and it's daunting. I can reason that certain aspects will move along through life without a bump, but there are numerous concerns I have... one being a future relationship with someone else. I am terrified of the thought, yet I do not want to be alone forever either. My husband is the only man I have ever been with in a sexual way, I don't know if I could ever get over my nerves of the idea of sharing myself with someone else. I know I shouldn't be thinking of these things yet, I should take it one day at a time, but ya know when you're alone, or in the shower, these thoughts creep into your fragile mind and cause havoc. I am worried I will be alone forever....
> ...


Maybe I should have mentioned that we have been married just shy of 11 years, I only mention that because of how much effort that has been made in this relationship over the years. I am not actively seeking out to start a relationship as it is so soon, but I am concerned about my own ability to get over everything enough to share life with someone else, if that makes sense? You are right though, many if not all people have loved and lost, so I should find comfort that others know what I am feeling.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Furthermore, how can you trust anyone else in the future? Uhg.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Newly separated, not 'yet' free.

Not yet free to seek out another man. At least morally.

If you ever hope to reconcile with your husband you need to 'hold off' on intimacy with another.
..................................................................................................................

Once the divorce is final, be very picky [my opinion]. Make any potential new mate wait for sex.
Do this is you want to win a good man over.
..............................................................................................................
If not, you will be fine. 

Once you start getting intimate with men, your former fears will vanish.

You will never hear me tell a women to sleep around, to get that sexual curiosity out of your system.

When you find a good man...turn down the love taps. From full hot to warm. 
Not always easy to do. The 'good' man has to be cooperative and needs to be enamored with you, too.

A little luck is involved here. And a push from someone [and forces] from the 'other' side.

Make your own' luck by being patient and picky.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Newly separated, not 'yet' free.
> 
> Not yet free to seek out another man. At least morally.
> 
> ...


1

I don't plan on seeking out any type of relationship in the near future whatsoever. It's going to take a lot of time to heal the hurt of all this for me. But, I still can't get these type of thoughts from invading my mind. He's so easily and quickly developed feelings for someone else. What if I can never get over my own worries to find happiness again? I am concerned I will be so picky, and untrusting that I will never be able to give my all in a future relationship. Add that I have had my husband as my only sexual partner, I feel uneasy about even thinking thoughts of being with someone in the future. Does that go away?


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I almost feel less desirable due to having been in a long term committed relationship with 1 person.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Dear OP.
Getting out of a bad relationship is a good thing, not a bad one. It will take time to adjust, but you have time. If you don't feel like romance or sex with another man for a while, that's fine - you can spend time with friends. Eventually you will likely develop feelings for someone and romance and sex will happen naturally. 

If you change your mind and want to go out on lots of dates, you can do that too. If you want to find people, I'm sure you will do so. 

Most men will not at all be put off because you had one long term relationship. Those few that are you are free to ignore. 

Its difficult leaving a long term relationship, but if it was a bad relationship, in a little while what you will feel is relief and freedom.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This is all so new. I think 'in time' you will let your guard down and actually enjoy your time with someone else.. But for right now it's all your thinking about. Just work on you for right now, get your place comfortable. Get into a routine, going to work, coming home, cooking. Maybe do a work-out? Maybe take a class (hobby)? In time you'll be dating again and if you don't that's OK too.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Dear OP.
> Getting out of a bad relationship is a good thing, not a bad one. It will take time to adjust, but you have time. If you don't feel like romance or sex with another man for a while, that's fine - you can spend time with friends. Eventually you will likely develop feelings for someone and romance and sex will happen naturally.
> 
> If you change your mind and want to go out on lots of dates, you can do that too. If you want to find people, I'm sure you will do so.
> ...


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> This is all so new. I think 'in time' you will let your guard down and actually enjoy your time with someone else.. But for right now it's all your thinking about. Just work on you for right now, get your place comfortable. Get into a routine, going to work, coming home, cooking. Maybe do a work-out? Maybe take a class (hobby)? In time you'll be dating again and if you don't that's OK too.



My husband and I had a farm, my hobbies included gardening, tending to critters, beekeeping.... nature oriented things. I had to get an apartment in the city, leaving all that behind...


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

When I say I am lost, don't know what to do with myself, I mean it. My days used to be so full and busy, now, nothing.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I don't think it's ALL I am thinking about, but it is a heavy concern of mine.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> If you ever hope to reconcile with your husband you need to 'hold off' on intimacy with another..


I *strongly* disagree with this.

The man LEFT you for his 'new love.' Any so-called man who *deserts his wife *of 11 years for another woman doesn't deserve SQUAT - unless it's a trip behind the barn like Old Yeller got. She doesn't owe this POS one shred of fidelity or loyalty. Not *one* shred.

OP, I answered your post over in the Ladies section and I'll say it here. That wasn't an EA your cheating slime ball husband had - it was a full blown physical affair. He's not in some 'fog,' he's doing exactly what he wants to do because the fool believes his new life with his side piece is going to be Nirvana. And don't be surprised if his new-found 'love' doesn't turn out to be heaven after all and he's suddenly sniffing around you in a few months or a year or two from now, claiming he made a mistake and he's _oh so sorry_ and wants to come home. 

*Don't* be Plan B.

Not for ANYONE.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ixy87 said:


> When I say I am lost, don't know what to do with myself, I mean it. My days used to be so full and busy, now, nothing.


Ixy, you'll find new things to take up your time. 

But you can also look to see if there are any groups in MeetUp in your general area that share your interests and you could possibly join them. It's a big old world out there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I *strongly* disagree with this.
> 
> The man LEFT you for his 'new love.' Any so-called man who *deserts his wife *of 11 years for another woman doesn't deserve SQUAT - unless it's a trip behind the barn like Old Yeller got. She doesn't owe this POS one shred of fidelity or loyalty. Not *one* shred.
> 
> ...


Listen..

I do not disagree with you one smidgen. Her husband is a POS.

But, OP wants to reconcile with him...or is considering this. I wrote this for her, not you or me.
She needs to maintain her dignity while the divorce is in progress. Revenge slagging with some intermission bloke is not a good short term solution. 
You and I may get some satisfaction reading about her doing this. Her family and his family will not like it. 
It needlessly complicates things.

More importantly, it will lessen her moral high ground, with respect to his cheating and catting around.
.............................................................................................................................................
Poor Ol' Yeller. He got rabies from the big bad wolf. No life saving shot from a hypodermic in those days. Nay, he got a bullet injection.

OP's husband may need a shot for STD's because he went behind the barn and dropped trousers with a floozy.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Oh my! I needed to hear the responses you guys have so much! I actually feel like I have people on my side right now instead of everyone (friends and family) telling me they hope we can work things out, give it time. I haven't had 1 single person IRL stand up for me, or make me feel they were truly caring or understanding in any way. I haven't had anyone to really talk to about the things he has done wrong, I honestly think if I could air them out, it would help me get over some of the hurt. I am going to air some stuff out.... 

1. The girl is on felony probation for making and using crystal meth, she used to shoot up and prosititue, doesnt have custody of her kids, is 5 years older than my husband, lives with her mom and is court ordered to stay clean and hold down a job. Vs. Me, College educated, faithful and loyal wife of 11 years, don't drink, smoke, do drugs...never even had a speeding ticket, great mom. Funny, cute, hard-working, amazing wife.
2. He stayed out drinking late one night, came home wasted, threw up and said, "I want a divorce" and passed out. No arguing previously, no signs other than staying out after work just a little later than usual. 
3. He has always been extremely against cell phones, never had one...suddenly since we're separated he gets one... "to talk to the kids" never once called them in a month, I go to his house to get some things and look through his phone, text messages between her and him in subtle but inappropriate manner. 
4. He changed the door locks to the house. 
5. He changed his phone number and won't let me have it. 
6. He is extremely mean, rude and uncaring to me. 
7. He has shut out his parents and brothers who were always close and spending time together. 
8. He says for me to move on. He says one minute that "you should try harder, you could have this life you want here" then talks about divorce. 
9. He has started awful, untrue rumors about me. 
10. He blames me for everything. 
11. He denies cheating, I told him if He really wants me to be gone, and a divorce then all it would take is for him to admit what He's done...cheat... He replies EVERYTIME, "I will not tell you lies to comfort you." Wtf?!?!?!?!?! 

Ahhh, it feels better to get some of that out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I was in you position once and also scared for the future. You are closing the chapter on one life and about to open another. You don’t get to know the end, none of us do. All you can do is go one page at a time. 

I’m sorry to say by your list your marriage is over. You now need to make a plan and reinvent yourself. As far as dating goes that will come In time and you will have no shortage of dates so long as you are healthy and ready to date. For now make a plan and start building it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Oh boy, he is in for the bad roller coaster of his life. If the kids are his, it is in your best interest to file for divorce to get child support from him. Did he kick you and the children out of the house? This part is confusing. 

The families are probably thinking he has gone somewhat mad as his choice of partner is plain senseless. They want you to wait this out as your POSWS comfortly has you as his back up plan. Screw that! You are no ones back up plan ( AKA plan B).


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Oh boy, he is in for the bad roller coaster of his life. If the kids are his, it is in your best interest to file for divorce to get child support from him. Did he kick you and the children out of the house? This part is confusing.
> 
> The families are probably thinking he has gone somewhat mad as his choice of partner is plain senseless. They want you to wait this out as your POSWS comfortly has you as his back up plan. Screw that! You are no ones back up plan ( AKA plan B).


The home belongs to his family. I left willingly after things got too heated and uncomfortable. The kids are definitely his. Neither of us can really afford a divorce.


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

Honestly, @Ixy87, if I were in your position, I'd be looking forward to a life of possibility, freedom, and personal growth. This relationship you had with him is an emotional dead end.

Sounds like you like the outdoors and working with your hands and animals, but are now in an urban environment - I'd suggest trying to get involved with a community garden or the like. They're all over the place in cities of medium and higher size. I have a friend who does that, and he meets all sorts of interesting and compelling like-minded people.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

fotf17 said:


> Honestly, @Ixy87, if I were in your position, I'd be looking forward to a life of possibility, freedom, and personal growth. This relationship you had with him is an emotional dead end.
> 
> Sounds like you like the outdoors and working with your hands and animals, but are now in an urban environment - I'd suggest trying to get involved with a community garden or the like. They're all over the place in cities of medium and higher size. I have a friend who does that, and he meets all sorts of interesting and compelling like-minded people.



I live in a crappy small town of less than 2000 people. Most are elderly. Not much happens around here.


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> I live in a crappy small town of less than 2000 people. Most are elderly. Not much happens around here.


Oh, you said earlier you had to get an apartment in the city. I guess we have different definitions of "city" :wink2:


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

fotf17 said:


> Honestly, @Ixy87, if I were in your position, I'd be looking forward to a life of possibility, freedom, and personal growth. This relationship you had with him is an emotional dead end.
> 
> Sounds like you like the outdoors and working with your hands and animals, but are now in an urban environment - I'd suggest trying to get involved with a community garden or the like. They're all over the place in cities of medium and higher size. I have a friend who does that, and he meets all sorts of interesting and compelling like-minded people.



Yea, the whole state I live in is country, with small "cities" scattered about.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Anyone want to give me some insight on what exactly he means when I ask him to just admit he's cheating but wont, and says he "isn't going to lie to comfort me" ?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Doesn't really matter. You know he is cheating. 




Ixy87 said:


> Anyone want to give me some hindsight on what exactly he means when I ask him to just admit he's cheating but wont, and says he "isn't going to lie to comfort me" ?


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Doesn't really matter. You know he is cheating.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Right, so why can't he just admit it, then? It would make things so much easier on us both.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> Right, so why can't he just admit it, then? It would make things so much easier on us both.


Stubbornness, pride, wanting no keep his image intact. Who knows? Why does it matter so much? You're still trying to get some kind of satisfaction out of the situation. I have never received an admittance or apology from my ex H. Many here are in the same boat.

Accept that he's in denial and even IF he is telling the truth, you know he's not trustworthy in general anyway.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Ixy87 said:


> The home belongs to his family. I left willingly after things got too heated and uncomfortable. The kids are definitely his. Neither of us can really afford a divorce.


I see. Thank you for the clarification. He is not honest with you because he can't be honest with himself. If you think about it, it makes sense (if you think outside the box that is). Deep down he knows he is trading way down. He can't admit it at this point not even to himself, so he conveniently puts his "new love" in a compartment and his life with you and the rest of the world around him in an other little compartment. Right now his compartments are tidy and don't gets meshed. That is going to change. The OW will make sure of that, and hopefully; you will too by filing ASAP. 

You may not be able to afford a divorce, but if you don't protect your children by placing the law above his nonsense; the OW will more than likely take everything she can get from you WS. She is not in this for love; she is in this for whatever she can get!

Your WS needs a hard reality check. File for child support if nothing else. That will at least protect your children from making your husband accountable and responsible for his need to help you support them. This has nothing to do with you or him. It is placing the children's well being first!

The divorce can be stopped at any moment. Use the law in your favor, especially in such a small town with so little options.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > The home belongs to his family. I left willingly after things got too heated and uncomfortable. The kids are definitely his. Neither of us can really afford a divorce.
> ...



Agree with you 100%. I have filled for child support. It's still in the process.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> Furthermore, how can you trust anyone else in the future? Uhg.


Ixy, these are all natural worries, but it is best you spend the time building yourself up, it is far too soon for thinking about other relationships, work on you so that you can depend on yourself, you do not need a man in your life. Be content with the person you are, if someone comes into your life you will know when it is the right time.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ixy87 said:


> Furthermore, how can you trust anyone else in the future? Uhg.


A lot of people learn to trust again. You shouldn't hold his sins against future partners or it will allow him to always have a negative presence in your life.



Ixy87 said:


> When I say I am lost, don't know what to do with myself, I mean it. My days used to be so full and busy, now, nothing.


This is 100% normal. I felt the same way two years ago when I got divorced. I remember being bored, sitting on the couch watching TV, missing my kids, and wondering what I was going to do. So I got engaged in hobbies, religious, civic activities, etc. and now I'm so busy I only have one free evening a week and look forward to the occasional day I can just relax with nothing to do. 



Ixy87 said:


> The home belongs to his family. I left willingly after things got too heated and uncomfortable. The kids are definitely his. Neither of us can really afford a divorce.


There are always financial ups and downs in life. Anyone you can lean on for help while you go through this transition and get your financial life back in order? A divorce itself isn't that expensive unless you two are in a nasty and prolonged legal battle. I'd recommend you hire an attorney to get the most out of it since you are going to need every penny you can get to start over again. My ex didn't use an attorney and I did, and she ended up getting a very bad deal (she picked the terms and I agreed).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

@Ixy87 I can promise you that your life will be better, richer, more fulfilling and more rewarding in the future than it is now or was in the past. Our stories have so many parallels I do not know where to begin.
I was married 24 years, never cheated and totally loyal. I lived for her. We lived outside of a small town in a rural county, We had acreage (but not a farm) I had a large garden, enjoyed taking care of my property, doing home improvement project etc. She decided to leave and gave me no reason. I suspect she was at least having an EA, but I didn't pursue it to find out.
My life was turned upside down. My reason for living didn't want me anymore. I sold my house, I closed my business. A month after she left I was living in an apartment in a large city working a job that I hated. I was lost. 
It took me a while, but slowly and surely I began to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. At first, I tried to patch them together into the life that I had formerly had. To no avail. Finally I realized that I didn't need what I had. What I had had, had not worked out for me. So I started to fashion a new life for myself.
I quit my job and restarted my business (I had been self employed) I started exploring what would make ME happy. I read, I dated, I had several relationships. I tried different foods and travelled. I learned to ride and bough a motorcycle. But most of all I learned.
Eventually I bought a house of my own and realized that now for the first time ever I could have whatever I want and put it wherever I wanted. So now three years later, all of that hard work is paying off. I have more money than ever. I can do pretty much whatever I want, whenever I want and with who ever I want. I can watch what I want on TV, or not watch TV at all. I can play whatever I want on my stereo as loud as I want. I can stay up as late as I want or go to bed as early as I want. I can sleep in as late as I want or get up as early as I want. I don't have to answer to anybody
But all of this is predicated on one thing - get to know your self. The old saying that you cannot love another until you love your self is so true. So before you even begin to think about a relationship with someone else - renew that relationship with your self first. Get to know what you want, what you desire, what you need. Focus on your self to become the person you always dreamed you could be. No one is coming to save you, your life and what you make of it is now in your hands. It is scary to think you are alone, but that fear doesn't change reality. Face that fear and in the end you will be so much better off!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I should add that getting to know your self first, does NOT preclude dating other people. In fact some of my most spectacular break thrus came about as a result of a bad date or failed relationship. The key is to keep learning from every experience (including the end of your marriage)


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ynot said:


> @Ixy87 I can promise you that your life will be better, richer, more fulfilling and more rewarding in the future than it is now or was in the past. Our stories have so many parallels I do not know where to begin.
> I was married 24 years, never cheated and totally loyal. I lived for her. We lived outside of a small town in a rural county, We had acreage (but not a farm) I had a large garden, enjoyed taking care of my property, doing home improvement project etc. She decided to leave and gave me no reason. I suspect she was at least having an EA, but I didn't pursue it to find out.
> My life was turned upside down. My reason for living didn't want me anymore. I sold my house, I closed my business. A month after she left I was living in an apartment in a large city working a job that I hated. I was lost.
> It took me a while, but slowly and surely I began to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. At first, I tried to patch them together into the life that I had formerly had. To no avail. Finally I realized that I didn't need what I had. What I *had had, had *not worked out for me. So I started to fashion a new life for myself.
> ...


This deserves a special mention - three "had" in a row and all used with proper grammar. It feels so wrong, yet is so right! :lol:


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Bananapeel said:


> This deserves a special mention - three "had" in a row and all used with proper grammar. It feels so wrong, yet is so right! :lol:


LMAO, that is all you got from that very insightful post? :wink2:

JK of course. Great post Ynot!

I was the opposite of you guys. I lived in a city with over 2 million in population. I had plenty of activities to fill my time with. Plenty of members of the opposite sex to date as well. Let me tell you that quantity quality does not make. It did keep me distracted and was a huge waste of time. I had plenty of time to waste, so like Ynot, that time was spent learning as well.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Ixy87 said:


> My husband and I had a farm, my hobbies included gardening, tending to critters, beekeeping.... nature oriented things. I had to get an apartment in the city, leaving all that behind...


Wherever you are, make the most of it. I have lived in the country side and I have lived in a few of the world's biggest cities. Both have their advantages. 

Regarding trust, remember that trust is earned. You should only trust others in the dating market by their actions. On the other side of that coin, be honest and don't begin dating until you are emotionally over your soon to be ex. Until that day comes, take advantage of having complete freedom to go anywhere you like. Some women, stuck in a relationship with two toddlers, no ability to find a good job, and a selfish husband can only dream about the freedom that is now available to you.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Ynot said:


> @Ixy87 I can promise you that your life will be better, richer, more fulfilling and more rewarding in the future than it is now or was in the past. Our stories have so many parallels I do not know where to begin.
> I was married 24 years, never cheated and totally loyal. I lived for her. We lived outside of a small town in a rural county, We had acreage (but not a farm) I had a large garden, enjoyed taking care of my property, doing home improvement project etc. She decided to leave and gave me no reason. I suspect she was at least having an EA, but I didn't pursue it to find out.
> My life was turned upside down. My reason for living didn't want me anymore. I sold my house, I closed my business. A month after she left I was living in an apartment in a large city working a job that I hated. I was lost.
> It took me a while, but slowly and surely I began to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. At first, I tried to patch them together into the life that I had formerly had. To no avail. Finally I realized that I didn't need what I had. What I had had, had not worked out for me. So I started to fashion a new life for myself.
> ...


He wants 50/50 custody, which would not be a problem but with the hours he works, he wouldn't have the kids very much, they'd be pawned off on their grandparents...so why can't they just be with me? Also, he wants to pay as little as of child support as possible, and says he will fight to keep from having too. He lives in a nice, huge, farm house for FREE, his mother helps him tremendously with financial things, even though he doesn't need it, like paying his car insurance or other bills every so often. So, basically his living expenses are next to nothing, and he makes decent money. I, however, am a teaching assistant, I don't make a good amount of money, and now my expenses are outrageous. All I want is him to continue being a dad, a small amount of help financially, and to see my kids as much as possible.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Child support is figured out according to a formula that is dictated by state law. There's really nothing he can do to change it. Get a lawyer to go over those things with you. They can probably use his free housing in that calculation too. 

As far as your expenses go, those are yours to figure out after the division of assets is done. I'd recommend you cut your expenses if you aren't able to increase your income, unless you can comfortably make ends meet. Downsize as much as you can and get rid of all unnecessary things while you get back into your routine, then add the things that you miss if you can afford them. This would also be a great time to see a financial advisor and start getting your planning done.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Child support is figured out according to a formula that is dictated by state law. There's really nothing he can do to change it. Get a lawyer to go over those things with you. They can probably use his free housing in that calculation too.
> 
> As far as your expenses go, those are yours to figure out after the division of assets is done. I'd recommend you cut your expenses if you aren't able to increase your income, unless you can comfortably make ends meet. Downsize as much as you can and get rid of all unnecessary things while you get back into your routine, then add the things that you miss if you can afford them. This would also be a great time to see a financial advisor and start getting your planning done.


My expenses are all new due to having to find a rental place. Rent, electric, water, car insurance, phone, gas for the car, household items, and groceries is all I have. I literally can't cut back on anything. I didn't have a housing expense previously, as I lived in the home for free (except my share of bills/groceries) No assets to divide... it would be a relatively cut and dry divorce.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I really appreciate everyone's advice. I have found some comfort in coming to this site and having people to talk with. I feel pretty numb today. He told me yesterday, "I am going to load up the rest of your **** up and bring it to you." I said, "don't forget my washer and dryer" and walked away...it felt kinda empowering not to let his words hurt me.. needless to say, he didn't bring anything when he brought the kids back to me yesterday evening. I didn't say a word to him, let him say bye to the kids, they ran into the house, I shut and locked the door in his face. Lol. I think my stuff being at his house is an attempt to keep me in limbo, I took as much of my stuff I could when I was there the other day, and haven't been back to get anything else...he could easily put the rest in his truck and bring it as it is all already packed. Wouldn't take even an hr of his life to do, but instead he wants to make me keep coming back here and there...I have vowed to myself to wait as long as possible before going to retrieve any more of my items.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

I realize child support is figured by state guidelines, but somewhere along the way he has come up with the idea that he can negotiate it...he's clearly not thinking, or getting bad advice or something. I tried to explain to him that since I filled for child support a month ago, once he is summoned, he will already be considered somewhat behind, as they will count it from the day I filled...he freaked out on me... I assume he didn't believe that I had already filled.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> He wants 50/50 custody, which would not be a problem but with the hours he works, he wouldn't have the kids very much, they'd be pawned off on their grandparents...so why can't they just be with me? Also, he wants to pay as little as of child support as possible, and says he will fight to keep from having too. He lives in a nice, huge, farm house for FREE, his mother helps him tremendously with financial things, even though he doesn't need it, like paying his car insurance or other bills every so often. So, basically his living expenses are next to nothing, and he makes decent money. I, however, am a teaching assistant, I don't make a good amount of money, and now my expenses are outrageous. All I want is him to continue being a dad, a small amount of help financially, and to see my kids as much as possible.


All of that is what the courts are for. While it may seem daunting hire an attorney and let them handle all of this crap. Depending on where you live, the court might actually come back and order him to pay your attorney fees on top of a generous CS and alimony. So it if that is the case I am sure your attorney would be able to goose the process along with a few hints to that affect. 
Having said that, at some point it is better to just get it over and done with so that YOU can move on with your life. Even if he gets 50/50 custody chances are he won't take advantage of his time. So rather than fight a scorched earth battle to get everything you want, sometime you should just take what you can live with and let karma take care of the rest.
I left a lot of money on the table when my ex bailed. I could have fought it but I just wanted to get it over with. Did she take advantage of that? Yep, she sure did. But like I said karma has a way. Today I live less than 10 miles from my daughter. I see her two or three times a week. We go out for dinner, lunch breakfast. I never would have seen her that much if I was still married and living in podunkville. My step son also recently informed me that I get first dibs on Christmas this year (my grandson's first). She altered a few more relationships with her actions than just with me. I am also closer to my kids spouses than I ever would have been' Life is good for me and it will get infinitely better for you. You will see!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Ixy87 I am probably old and wise enough to be your father so I will tell you the same things I tell my daughter. 

I will break this up into a series of posts and will address a number of the things you have brought up, but first I want to share some general insight with you. 

Most of what occurs in our lives as we go through life are not innately good or innately bad, they are just life events and things that happen to all of us to one degree or another at one time or another. 

The events in and of themselves are neither good nor bad, it is our core beliefs and values and perceptions and how we deal with unknowns and anxiety and fear that assign them the labels of good or bad. 

In this case if your core beliefs are that you 'should' be married and living happily ever after in a marital home in order to be happy, healthy and personally fulfilled, then the thought of divorce is going to be terribly daunting and scary and sad. 

But the truth is your STBX sounds like a jerk and an @$$ and the chances are very good that once you are away from him, you will actually start to enjoy life more, will be more at ease with yourself and more comfortable in your own skin and have a better relationship with your children without him around. 

In other words Divorcing him is not what is making you anxiety ridden and afraid - it is your beliefs about marriage and family life and your beliefs of single motherhood and such that are stressing you. 

For some reason we all have a terrible fear that we only have one chance at love and if that does not work out, we fear we will never find love or a relationship or marriage or sense of family again and that will die alone in a roach-infested, skid row apartment being eaten by our cats. We all have that instinctive fear and belief inside us but it is completely and totally false. 

That is a belief that we have and it may cripple us for awhile, but once we get out and start living our lives and doing things that are useful and enjoyable we start connecting with people again and start forming interpersonal relationships and the vast vast vast majority of people go on to find love again. 

But if we allow that belief and false perception to cripple us and we sit in our apartment watching TV and stop living our lives, eventually we will do a self-fulfilling prophecy and we eventually keel over and die and feed the cats with our corpse. 

Now there is no doubt here that this is all a big disruption and this is not how you envisioned your life would be. that is going to cause some chaos, anxiety and sadness, I get that. But what I am saying is that it is not these events that actually have the good vs bad value, it is how you perceive them, how you deal with them, what your attitude towards them is and what your general core beliefs are. Those are the things that assign these events a label and a value. 

You may be sad today that you are not tending your garden back on the farm with a husband in your bed and your children at your side 24/7.

But what you may very well realize in short order is that there are some fun and exciting things about city life that you like, and realize you don't miss your STBX's snoring and farting in bed or trying to roll over stick his schlong in you while his teeth aren't brushed and his breath could choke a skunk and dare I say it........

...... you may find that you like having your new place to yourself for a few days while he has the kids and you are able to sleep in and then lay around on the couch in your underwear eating a carton of Haagen Dazs. 

You are a young woman and the adult life you have known thus far is going to change. Change always brings a certain degree of anxiety and trepidation. But it also brings new options, new opportunities, new beginnings and new experiences etc etc. 

You can sit in a chair and watch the walls close in and wait to be eaten by your cats. 

Or you can embrace a new lifestyle and go forth into a new adventure that will be the next chapters and the next new journeys in your life. 

These are all simply life events that occur to all of us throughout our lives. Whether they are disasters and destroyers of our lives vs new adventures and new experiences and new opportunities are simply a matter of our own attitudes, perspectives, perceptions and beliefs. 

>>>>and those things ARE under your control. Your husband being a d1(k and screwing around blowing up the family was not under your control. But how you choose to view it and how you choose to live and view your life because of it *IS under your control.*


Now with that in mind I'll address a few of your specific concerns......


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> but there are numerous concerns I have... one being a future relationship with someone else. I am terrified of the thought, yet I do not want to be alone forever either. My husband is the only man I have ever been with in a sexual way, I don't know if I could ever get over my nerves of the idea of sharing myself with someone else.


As I said in my previous post, we all have a false instinct that tells us we have one shot at true love and if that crumbles we will never be whole again and we will live a life of destitution and loneliness. 

This is all poppycock. It is a false notion. I usually encourage people to listen to their "little voice" but this is one instance where that little voice is full of $hy+.

A day will come, it may be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year or a couple years from now, but a day will come where you will get to know someone who makes your knees weak, your jay-jay tingle and heart go pitter pat. And when that happens you will not be able to drop your drawers and wrap your legs around him (or her, I'm not judging LOL) fast enough. 

Mother Nature wants to feel love and desire and passion and intimacy and she will do every thing in her power to see that you do it. It's the people that try to deny their sexualities and deny their yearnings and wantings to be with others that have problems. 

You will find love and desire and passion and just plain ol' horniness again. It may be the love of your life. It may be a calming and peaceful companionship. Or it may just be some hot dude with biceps and tattoos you meet in a bar for one night, but it will happen and when it happens be safe and responsible and respectful to him and yourself - but GO FOR IT!!!  ;-) :-D


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> Furthermore, how can you trust anyone else in the future? Uhg.


You will never be naïve and dumb again. 

You will never take someone 100% at their word without them backing it up with behaviors again. 

And you will never disregard what you see with your own eyes again. 

Those are all part of growing up and being a responsible adult. 

But you will learn to trust trustworthy behavior again. 

You just won't accept other people's lies and BS anymore. 

That's a good thing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> Add that I have had my husband as my only sexual partner, I feel uneasy about even thinking thoughts of being with someone in the future. Does that go away?


Yes.

That will go away immediately once someone trips your trigger and makes your jay-jay tingle. 

It may be next week or a year or so. 

It may be someone you meet at Quick Trip filling your gas tank or it may be your 50th date after your divorce. But some day some one will catch your eye and make your heart skip a few beats and make you leave snail tracks on the ground and then it will be GAME ON and that lucky SOB won't know what hit him! :-D


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> I almost feel less desirable due to having been in a long term committed relationship with 1 person.


Now this is simply just silly and I really should not even dignify it with an answer but since I have already played the Dad-Card I will follow through but I am going to use my dad-voice here so consider yourself corrected. 

There is not a single adult human male in western society that will even give a hootenanny about this or think a thing of it. 

Yes there are some strictly traditional mideastern cultures where a nonvirginal woman is not considered worthy of marriage by some men, but assuming you are part of the western world, this is simply a non issue. 

A decent man who values relationships and marriage will appreciate that you haven't screwed the whole town and will appreciate that you experienced a long term, productive marriage and were a dedicated and loyal spouse and responsible and loving mother. 

Now to be fair and honest, there are single, childless young men that will everything else being equal, will choose a single, childless, never-married woman over a divorced mother. That is their right and prerogative and their preference. 

But is that what you would really want for a partner???? or given a choice, wouldn't you prefer someone with similar life experiences and similar lifestyle and values as yourself?

That's all I'm going to say about that. Put that idea out of your head and go think about something else more important and pertinent like do your toenails need trimmed or is there any laundry in the dryer LOL


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> When I say I am lost, don't know what to do with myself, I mean it. My days used to be so full and busy, now, nothing.


(spoken with Dad-Voice again) find something to do or I'll find something for you. 

You actually have a lot of work to do. Consults with lawyers, court dates, gathering paperwork, furnishing new apt, getting kids on schedules, determining budgets etc etc etc etc etc etc etc 

If you're sitting there doing nothing - you're wrong. 

True, it may not be fun and joyous at the moment, but it is an important and meaningful life chapter at the moment. Be present in it and be getting things done. 

It's ok to cry in your pillow for a few minutes at the end of the day, but when the sun's out, get crack'n.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> Oh my! I needed to hear the responses you guys have so much! I actually feel like I have people on my side right now instead of everyone (friends and family) telling me they hope we can work things out, give it time. I haven't had 1 single person IRL stand up for me, or make me feel they were truly caring or understanding in any way. I haven't had anyone to really talk to about the things he has done wrong, I honestly think if I could air them out, it would help me get over some of the hurt. I am going to air some stuff out....
> 
> 1. The girl is on felony probation for making and using crystal meth, she used to shoot up and prosititue, doesnt have custody of her kids, is 5 years older than my husband, lives with her mom and is court ordered to stay clean and hold down a job. Vs. Me, College educated, faithful and loyal wife of 11 years, don't drink, smoke, do drugs...never even had a speeding ticket, great mom. Funny, cute, hard-working, amazing wife.
> 2. He stayed out drinking late one night, came home wasted, threw up and said, "I want a divorce" and passed out. No arguing previously, no signs other than staying out after work just a little later than usual.
> ...


Remember what I said that one of these days you will realize that you are more at ease and at peace and more content in your life with him out of it? 

- yeah, that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> The home belongs to his family. I left willingly after things got too heated and uncomfortable. The kids are definitely his. Neither of us can really afford a divorce.


I don't think you can afford not to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> Anyone want to give me some insight on what exactly he means when I ask him to just admit he's cheating but wont, and says he "isn't going to lie to comfort me" ?


I don't try to put myself into the minds of jerkoffs. you shouldn't either. 

You need to focus on your own issues and making a good life for yourself and your kids and not be worrying about what is going on in his disordered brain. 

Your job is to take care of yourself and your kids now and you won't have to worry about what's going on with him any more. Not your monkey, not your circus. 

All you have to do is trust that he sucks and carry on with your own life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> Right, so why can't he just admit it, then? It would make things so much easier on us both.


No it wouldn't. 

All it would do is then make you wonder why he did and why you weren't good enough etc etc etc

But it doesn't have anything to do with you. It is because he sucks and he is disordered. 


Trust that he sucks and move forward with your own life and your own well being.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> He wants 50/50 custody, which would not be a problem but with the hours he works, he wouldn't have the kids very much, they'd be pawned off on their grandparents...so why can't they just be with me? Also, he wants to pay as little as of child support as possible, and says he will fight to keep from having too. He lives in a nice, huge, farm house for FREE, his mother helps him tremendously with financial things, even though he doesn't need it, like paying his car insurance or other bills every so often. So, basically his living expenses are next to nothing, and he makes decent money. I, however, am a teaching assistant, I don't make a good amount of money, and now my expenses are outrageous. All I want is him to continue being a dad, a small amount of help financially, and to see my kids as much as possible.


This is why we have lawyers, courts and judges. Let them deal with it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> He told me yesterday, "I am going to load up the rest of your **** up and bring it to you." I said, "don't forget my washer and dryer" and walked away...it felt kinda empowering not to let his words hurt me..


That's actually pretty good!! I like that!! :-D

That is what I mean about attitude. You got some spunk in ya, that is good.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > He told me yesterday, "I am going to load up the rest of your **** up and bring it to you." I said, "don't forget my washer and dryer" and walked away...it felt kinda empowering not to let his words hurt me..
> ...


@oldshirt
Bless you, bless you, bless you!!!! I so incredibly needed to hear EVERY SINGLE WORD you said!!!! I dont want to give off the wrong impression, I am a hell of a tough chick, my momma raised me to be strong, but that doesn't mean that all this doesn't hurt like hell. I haven't been sitting around doing nothing, I have my own place, filled for child support, spoke with a lawyer, got my finances in order as much as I can, have goals in place and am just generally trying so very hard. You are right, I have let the image of the things I wanted, expected, and cared about cloud my mind and keep me from fully taking inventory of the here and now. I sound like a broken record a bit, but the betrayal of this is what cuts down deep in the soul. I never, ever 100 times over would have imagined that this would be the way things would turn out. He and I are two peas in a pod, we met when were 10, at 13 he said he was going to marry me one day... Our entire lives have been together. Hell, our grandparents were neighbors all through their childhood/teen years. My grandma cried tears of happiness when we told her we were getting married. Everyone gave us their blessings and said a better match couldn't have been made in the heavens itself. It's not been 100% perfect as we were so young, had a lot of growing up to do, but we always had our love for one another. No one believes that this is happening, both sides of our families have literally cried about this, everyone is as shocked as I am. It's like he turned into a totally different person over night. I can't change what he has set his mind on, I realize that. I truly feel he's going to realize how massive this mistake is one day, and it will be too late. That makes me sad for him a bit... but not enough to be treated like **** when I did nothing to deserve to have my entire life ripped away and the course of my children's future altered forever. He can take his sorry ass down the road, regardless of how bad it hurts me.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Furthermore, and not to toot my own horn, but I am a great catch for anyone. I am smart, cute, tall, thin, blonde, hardworking, loyal, sweet as can be and as honest as the day is long. Once people start finding out that we're divorcing/divorced, he will really regret leaving me for a junkie prostitute with no future, while I find a man that will treat me the way he should have...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ixy87 said:


> It's like he turned into a totally different person over night. I can't change what he has set his mind on, I realize that.


Did he really completely change that quickly or have you been spending quite a bit of time spackling over his bad behavior and problems?

Has he always been kind of a selfish jerk and you have just been looking the other way and making excuses or did he truly become a different person in a matter of days/weeks/a few months?

If it honestly, truly is the latter then he may have gotten involved in drugs/meth himself. 

That doesn't mean that you should accept that and it doesn't mean that you should not be separated from him or even divorce and get the kids away from him. It just means there is a whole other level of issues that are going to hav to be addressed.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> Furthermore, and not to toot my own horn, but I am a great catch for anyone. I am smart, cute, tall, thin, blonde, hardworking, loyal, sweet as can be and as honest as the day is long. Once people start finding out that we're divorcing/divorced, he will really regret leaving me for a junkie prostitute with no future, while I find a man that will treat me the way he should have...


Better yet, start loving that smart, cute, tall, thin, blonde, hardworking, loyal, sweet and honest woman yourself, by focusing on your self and your needs. Don't even think about a man. The man will be attracted to the woman that loves that woman and will treat you the same way. It will just be icing on the cake and you will enjoy it more having a healthy self esteem to rely on.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > Furthermore, and not to toot my own horn, but I am a great catch for anyone. I am smart, cute, tall, thin, blonde, hardworking, loyal, sweet as can be and as honest as the day is long. Once people start finding out that we're divorcing/divorced, he will really regret leaving me for a junkie prostitute with no future, while I find a man that will treat me the way he should have...
> ...



100% correct!!! It's hard to have the self esteem I had when all this that is happening basically crushing it, but I will get there. I don't doubt myself, but I recongize that I am dealing with much more than I ever have had to, and am hurting more than I ever thought was possible...but I will get where I am supposed to be. Thanks for the advice and kind words. ?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Listen..
> 
> I do not disagree with you one smidgen. Her husband is a POS.
> 
> Revenge slagging with some intermission bloke is not a good short term solution.


LOL...I never mentioned ANYTHING about 'revenge slagging.' I told her that her husband's a POS and he doesn't deserve one *shred* of her loyalty or fidelity. And he _*doesn't. *_But I never said anything about a revenge affair.


> You and I may get some satisfaction reading about her doing this. Her family and his family will not like it.
> It needlessly complicates things.
> 
> More importantly, it will lessen her moral high ground, with respect to his cheating and catting around.


Her moral high ground with WHOM? I highly doubt if the OP _does_ give in to temptation one night that she'll conduct a conference call the next morning with her parents and her in-laws and announce to them that she had sex with some guy who wasn't her POS deserting husband. I don't see that happening.

The moral high ground ain't all it's cracked up to be.



> Poor Ol' Yeller. He got rabies from the big bad wolf. No life saving shot from a hypodermic in those days. Nay, he got a bullet injection.
> 
> OP's husband may need a shot for STD's because he went behind the barn and dropped trousers with a floozy.



Now this, we can agree on. :grin2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ixy87 said:


> I realize child support is figured by state guidelines, but somewhere along the way he has come up with the idea that he can negotiate it...he's clearly not thinking, or getting bad advice or something. I tried to explain to him that since I filled for child support a month ago, once he is summoned, he will already be considered somewhat behind, as they will count it from the day I filled...he freaked out on me... I assume he didn't believe that I had already filled.


Not only is he a cheating, lying, deserting POS, but he's a failure as a husband, a father, and on every other level a human can possibly fail. His mother must be SO proud.

What the ass-clown doesn't seem to understand is that child support is the RIGHT of every child. If you're going to bring kids into this world, it's your freakin responsibility to support them in a fashion that is acceptable and nurtures them in a positive way. Only an ass-hole has SO little concern for his kids that he deserts them then thinks it's perfectly fine to contribute as little as possible toward their upbringing. I'm sure he'd have no problem if you were stuck living in a cardboard box under the railroad trestle and feeding your kids scraps you found in the dumpster if it meant he had more money to spend every month.

He truly is a despicable piece of work.

If numb-nuts thinks he's going negotiate what he pays for child support - like you do when you're buying a car - then he'll find out real quick what a true *imbecile* he really is. I have the feeling Father of the Year is claiming he wants 50/50 custody to avoid child support ALL TOGETHER. That's the kind of POS he is. Dumping his kids 50% of the time on whoever is available to watch them, all so he doesn't have to pay a dime toward child support.

All I can say is I'd be making sure to divorce this POS as soon as possible. I know you can't afford it, but you need to realize that you're still legally married, so ANY financial losses he creates or credit card debt he wracks up, *you'll* be half responsible. And if you have any cars in your name and he's driving them, you'd better pray this fool doesn't have an accident and end up getting sued - you'll be sued right along with him.

I'd be finding a way to dump this loser as fast as I possibly could. Yesterday isn't even fast enough.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Our state actually passed 50/50 custody law, but however, he only wants that to pay as little child support as possible. I find it disgusting the way he has done me and our kids. He only sees them 1 night a week now.... but wants 50/50. Ridiculous. Never checks in on them. It's pathetic. He says, "my life is so much better without you in it now" Umm, yea...no responsibility now, so I imagine it is better, buttface.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ixy87 said:


> Our state actually passed 50/50 custody law, but however, he only wants that to pay as little child support as possible. I find it disgusting the way he has done me and our kids. He only sees them 1 night a week now.... but wants 50/50. Ridiculous. Never checks in on them. It's pathetic. He says, "my life is so much better without you in it now" Umm, yea...no responsibility now, so I imagine it is better, buttface.


 @Ixy87, get a diary and DOCUMENT all of this.

He doesn't care about being a father unless it suits him. Make that apparent by documenting the FACTS.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Satya said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > Our state actually passed 50/50 custody law, but however, he only wants that to pay as little child support as possible. I find it disgusting the way he has done me and our kids. He only sees them 1 night a week now.... but wants 50/50. Ridiculous. Never checks in on them. It's pathetic. He says, "my life is so much better without you in it now" Umm, yea...no responsibility now, so I imagine it is better, buttface.
> ...


How do I go about documenting that He's not doing what He should?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ixy87 said:


> 1
> 
> I don't plan on seeking out any type of relationship in the near future whatsoever. It's going to take a lot of time to heal the hurt of all this for me. But, I still can't get these type of thoughts from invading my mind. He's so easily and quickly developed feelings for someone else. What if I can never get over my own worries to find happiness again? I am concerned I will be so picky, and untrusting that I will never be able to give my all in a future relationship. Add that I have had my husband as my only sexual partner, I feel uneasy about even thinking thoughts of being with someone in the future. Does that go away?


Picky?
Untrusting?

Not bad qualities. Many men would love to have a women who is picky. Who is loyal.
Once committed, trust MUST be displayed. 

Distrust never forgotten.

When the divorce is final, take your' time.

Men who cannot wait, should not serve your' table.
Serve you wine. Serve some dine.

Kissing and cuddling should be your initial limit.

The men will come, one at a time, with flowers in hand...
And lust in mind.

This is not 'bad'..as this 'bad' is real.
Just do not be reeled in by the phony fishers of women.

They seek the 'temporary' you. Your warmth to steal.
Your' heart to plunder.

The ones that go after your' heart, Aye! They may be worthy.
But being picky, must be worthy enough for Thee!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ixy87 said:


> How do I go about documenting that He's not doing what He should?


Do it in a journal noting dates and times, finances, everything concerning his behavior towards your children.

That way, it will be easy to remember the facts when they need to be presented. You can have witnesses attest to and sign your entries especially if they will attest to the veracity of the statements.

You can and should do this.

Your husband has lost his damned mind and is acting like a pathetic meth addict!

Kick his ass so hard that he has to use his balls for a goatee!!!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Ixy87 said:


> 100% correct!!! It's hard to have the self esteem I had when all this that is happening basically crushing it, but I will get there. I don't doubt myself, but I recongize that I am dealing with much more than I ever have had to, and am hurting more than I ever thought was possible...but I will get where I am supposed to be. Thanks for the advice and kind words. ?


Ok, first off your self esteem isn't being crushed, it is only being tested! Yes, you are dealing with more than you have ever dealt with before and are hurting because of it. But all that pain? It is just the universe sending you a message that you have a lesson to learn. One of those lessons is that you are far stronger than you think you are. When you get to the other side you will realize just how strong you are. You will look back and think WTH was I thinking to allow THAT to happen to me and you will resolve to never allow it to happen again. As I said from the get go, you will be stronger, smarter and better than when you started off. Learn the lessons and grow, the journey to the other side is worth it!


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > 100% correct!!! It's hard to have the self esteem I had when all this that is happening basically crushing it, but I will get there. I don't doubt myself, but I recongize that I am dealing with much more than I ever have had to, and am hurting more than I ever thought was possible...but I will get where I am supposed to be. Thanks for the advice and kind words. ?
> ...



I can hope. Thank you.


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## Ixy87 (Oct 2, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Ixy87 said:
> 
> 
> > How do I go about documenting that He's not doing what He should?
> ...


"Your husband has lost his damned mind and is acting like a pathetic meth addict!

Kick his ass so hard that he has to use his balls for a goatee!!!" Bahahahahahaha!!! I love this, way to funny!! He deserves it, though.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

You posted this in the men's section, so I hope you don't mind if I respond.

You REALLY need to consult with a few lawyers. Most lawyers do a free consult. Pick several from surrounding nearby towns in addition to the 2 in your town. Your cheating H won't be able to use them. You will find you are entitled to way more than you think. If he makes more than you and you have been married for more than 10 years, you can probably get spousal support possibly for up to half the length of your marriage. You may be entitled to part of the equity of that home even if it belongs to his family. You lived there for greater than 10 years, paid bills, did upkeep and maintenance, etc. If he is part owner of the family farm, you may be entitled to part of that. He may have to buy you out for your part of the home and business. Any retirement funds? Money reinvested into the farm? You really need to consult several attorneys and ask these types of questions. Over ten years of marriage with him making decent money from the family farm should not leave you with little to nothing. And as others have said, you may be able to ask to recover attorney fees in your divorce.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Do it in a journal noting dates and times, finances, everything concerning his behavior towards your children.
> 
> That way, it will be easy to remember the facts when they need to be presented. You can have witnesses attest to and sign your entries especially if they will attest to the veracity of the statements.
> 
> ...


Exactly. Leave feelings out of it when possible. Stating the facts will make it obvious to any judge what he ISN'T doing.


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