# Stuck in limbo... I guess... :(



## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm new here... hoping for a little help.. 

Hubby and I used to have a fantastic sex life... I have a high sex drive, and he used to love spending extra time with me, and all the perks that came with it. 

Then we got married, just recently and it went from 1-2 times a day, to ZERO for days on end. I try to initiate it, get turned down. Usually with comments that I'm pushy or trying to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. So then my feelings are hurt thinking that I'm being a horrible wife or something. So then I wait for him to initiate, and when he does, it's a quick 2 minute deal, that I can't even enjoy. 

I've tried everything. Can't get him to watch porn, or even spend time with me and mutually masturbate, play around, NADA... He gives me all these things he needs to make it more fun for him or for him to want to do it, and so I think maybe THIS time, he means it. So I shave, or do whatever he says he would like, and then it's again NADA..

He won't do oral with me... says he likes it, and I say he's fantastic at it, but just won't do it unless he's been out "partying" and then it's several days of bliss and then back to NADA. 

I'm frustrated.. If I ask, he says I'm pushy. If I ignore him and hope he'll initate, then he says I'm ignoring him. I have no problems doing whatever it takes to pleasure him. I just don't get that in return. I have to pleasure myself after the fact just to feel like a woman with needs. And he's really pissy about the fact I do touch myself on occassion. I don't try to throw it in his face, but at this point, I feel like he wants me to be a nun. 


So what's a girl suppose to do? I'm lonely, I miss his touches, and I want that back in our lives. He's a great man.. but he's so negative about it, I just think he's given up.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Just jumping the gun here and this is coming from a man with an overactive libido, I would guess 1 of 3 things:

1. He may have some type of issue, such as ED, etc.
2. He has low testosterone.
3. He is cheating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Is he using a surrogate like porn and masturbation, or has he simply gone low-drive overall?

You find yourself in the circumstance of many men on this board. Right down to feeling lousy about yourself and questioning the relationship.

There are also a number of women that share your issue as well.


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## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Just jumping the gun here and this is coming from a man with an overactive libido, I would guess 1 of 3 things:
> 
> 1. He may have some type of issue, such as ED, etc.
> 2. He has low testosterone.
> 3. He is cheating.


I know he's not cheating... he's spending too much time around me. That I do know. 

He claims he's just not interested at all, and even one time when he was upset and I asked him to be honest, he said he's just not attracted to me anymore, but that he loves me. All because I gained weight. He has too, but I'm the only one trying to lose it. 

He won't seek any medical type help. I think he's in a depression at the moment, and I'm not sure if that has anything to do with him rejecting me or not. I'm trying to be supportive, but at this point, it feels like I'm worried more about taking care of him and his needs, than myself.


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## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Is he using a surrogate like porn and masturbation, or has he simply gone low-drive overall?
> 
> You find yourself in the circumstance of many men on this board. Right down to feeling lousy about yourself and questioning the relationship.
> 
> There are also a number of women that share your issue as well.


Idk.... sometimes I wonder if he's taking care of his own business, while making me feel guilty that I am doing it too. 

He's the first man I found to be sexually "it" for me, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. But I think he's got some issues that are just popping up, now that we are "married" and he doesn't have to try so hard to keep me, so to speak. 

I totally understand how men must feel. The rejection, the feeling like a loser and my aspect, I feel so unattractive, that I don't know what to feel anymore. 

The hardest part I have is he will tease me... string me along and make little promises to even just have a quickie... sparks a smile on my face and I get so excited thinking of being with him, even if it doesn't lead to my satisfaction, I just want to be with him. Then what do you know... later on, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm not in the mood, leave me alone... and on it goes... And then the dread begins... my mind wandering and trying to figure out what I did wrong, am I that disgusting, etc. 

I usually wind up in tears, which then he tells me I'm pressuring him, and doing this to myself. I'm a nymph, etc. 

I have no interest in leaving him, or cheating on him. Sometimes I don't think he understands the closeness I'm missing. He just doesn't listen and doesn't want to. But he makes me feel guilty for taking care of myself... most guys want to join or watch... i don't get him at all. 

He'll talk all day long about what he likes doing with the women he's been with, and so it diminishes my feelings of how attractive I must be to him.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Well he sounds pretty selfish to me. Don't worry about taking care of him, take care of YOU and hopefully he follows. Read some of the manning up threads from Deejo and MEM, they are good advice for women as well.

I have a bit of this issue with my wife. He is not responsible for your happiness, nor you his. If you want to lose the weight, do it it will make you feel better and maybe he will follow suit, maybe not.

I would also suggest counseling but I would guess from your description he would not go?

I'm sorry you are in this situation, I know how it feels (though my wife is just purely lack of interest).


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## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Well he sounds pretty selfish to me. Don't worry about taking care of him, take care of YOU and hopefully he follows. Read some of the manning up threads from Deejo and MEM, they are good advice for women as well.
> 
> I have a bit of this issue with my wife. He is not responsible for your happiness, nor you his. If you want to lose the weight, do it it will make you feel better and maybe he will follow suit, maybe not.
> 
> ...


Thank you... and that's pretty much what I've decided. I was having sex even when I didn't feel like it, because I loved him, and honestly after doing it, I felt better and happier.. have even tried to explain to him, maybe just because the brain don't want it, that it's not like he doesn't get an erection, that maybe just try and see.. if he doesn't have fun, we can stop and I won't pester him. That didn't go over well. 

It's almost like he's on this HUGE emotional crutch and I get the fun of being the dumping grounds. I have a bit of resentment towards him, but I think that it's because I place such a huge adoration for him, and it hurts. 

You are so right.. I have been trying too hard and placed the emphasis in the wrong places. Hopefully he catches back up to where we left off. Hate feeling this way. 

I just want my man back..


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

Allalone,

This is definitely a difficult thing to work through. I am amazed at how many people are on this board that have the same issues. Not enough sex, feelings of worthlessness, not wanting to have an affair or leave their spouse but wanting them, and on and on. It is really sad, given that relationships could be so much richer and stronger with more intimacy. I know from experience that lack of intimacy is so hurtful and difficult to deal with. At times, it has made me pray that I had no libido and drive, so I wouldn't desire my wife. It is also sad that we have to play games to try and get the desired response from our spouse to make things happen. I myself am trying to come up with solutions with some very helpful suggestion on this board, but have been at a loss. There is great information on this site, but for the people in our shoes, it is a crap shoot. It is all up to the other person to let us know what needs to be done to solve the intimacy problem, but if you can't get a straight answer or reason, it's all a moot point. So, I am sorry that you are in the same boat and hoping that something will spark an interest in your husband.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How much weight have the two of you each gained?

What should you weigh? What do you weigh?

This alone could be a factor for him, not just in finding you attractive or not.

Medical problems come to mind.


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## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

AltoSax4ever said:


> Allalone,
> 
> This is definitely a difficult thing to work through. I am amazed at how many people are on this board that have the same issues. Not enough sex, feelings of worthlessness, not wanting to have an affair or leave their spouse but wanting them, and on and on. It is really sad, given that relationships could be so much richer and stronger with more intimacy. I know from experience that lack of intimacy is so hurtful and difficult to deal with. At times, it has made me pray that I had no libido and drive, so I wouldn't desire my wife. It is also sad that we have to play games to try and get the desired response from our spouse to make things happen. I myself am trying to come up with solutions with some very helpful suggestion on this board, but have been at a loss. There is great information on this site, but for the people in our shoes, it is a crap shoot. It is all up to the other person to let us know what needs to be done to solve the intimacy problem, but if you can't get a straight answer or reason, it's all a moot point. So, I am sorry that you are in the same boat and hoping that something will spark an interest in your husband.


I had a talk with him today... he says he's just extremely depressed and that's why he's not wanting me. He said he feels bad about saying what he has to me, but that he feels worthless as a man and said things out of anger. 

Just want to help him get out of his mood, so we can be happy again. He's my best friend.


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## allalone (Mar 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> How much weight have the two of you each gained?
> 
> What should you weigh? What do you weigh?
> 
> ...


He was huge at wanting someone to always eat with him.. so I ate to make him happy. I've already lost 20 pounds and if I was being realistic and not wanting the "barbie" figure, need to lose 20 more. Anything more and I'm going to be smaller than highschool and I was 30 lbs underweight then. 

As for him, he's probably got 40-45 to lose. He's a huge junk food eater. Sugar is the new Crack around here, and I worry about diabetes with him. He does his thing and if I suggest anything different it upsets him. So I just try to gl woth the flow and be open with him when he seems to be able to be talked to. He's a smoker and drinker, and lately I think it explains his deep anger issues. 

He doesn't want to be this way. I can see it in his eyes. But until he's ready to change, I can't force him or change him myself. But I will wait for him, or be as supportive as I can be. I love him too much to just give up. 

He said he didn't mean to hurt me by the weight thing... said it's more the fact he's unhappy with himself, and that he's not deserving of me.. I feel bad. He has no idea how much he means to me, and I don't care if he's 100 lbs or 1000 lbs, I'd love him no matter what. He's my lover and best friend.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

omg does no one on this board go to the doctor for depression?

It can entirely be a medical issue. Make a doctor appointment for him and go with him. Some people are missing a chemical in their brain that makes them depressed. Get him hlep before this goes on for years. Doctors see and help this ALL the time. 

He can't process things correctly now. Help him get to a doctor!!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Saffron has a good point. Depression can be treated a few ways - medication works for some, rigorous exercise can also work really well. My wife was severely depressed for many years, and she's started running, she's been much happier. 

Try to get him off his ass and to the gym with you. It will boost his testosterone and help elevate his mood.


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