# What planet am I on?



## Cannot deal

Hi all,

I have been married to my wife for 12 years. We have been together for 17 years. I have 2 children under age 10. For the past few years my wife an i have grown apart. Finally, things have hit a breaking point for me. We get along ok together and enjoy family time with the kids, neighbors etc. but there is no more romance in the relationship. My wife has been feeling disconnected from me for the past 7 years (so she says). We have never been a couple that fought and we never share a deep intimacy with each other built on shared struggles etc. (then again, we have never had much to struggle about. We have had minimal tragedy over the past 17 years.)

That being said, my wife has told me that she feels alone and is not "in love" with me. We have been in marriage counseling for the past two months. She does not believe in it, not does she believe she needs to do anything to make this marriage fullfilling for either of us. She feels that she is sho she is and that organically, we should come together. She believes that people who never shared deep intimacy which fosters deep connection cannot simply "work at it". It not something you have or do not. 

I have been in an emotional spiral trying for months to change and fix the situation which is not working. It is actually pushing her father away. Today she sugggested we get a shared apartment as she does not see how we can move forward with the same tension and dynamic in our house. I am not sure how splitting time in and out of our house supports the idea that we both want to save the marriage. What am I mssing here?

The thought of leaving my kids and not being with them every single day gives me tremendous anxiety and fills me with such deep dark sadness. However, we are room mates and I need a wife. I am a good man but feel she is giving up on this marriage and therefore I need to start preparing for the worst case. The current situation is incredibly debiltating emotionally for me. The uncertainty is unbearable. My emotional and physical needs are not being met. I love her and want to make it work but do not feel like I have a partner here. Someone please give me some perspective.

thx


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## stuckmick

Welcome to my world....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cannot deal

Would appreciate more thoughts please. Thx all


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## stuckmick

,youre not alone friend. Follow this precious advice, because i and countless others did not. Do not beg, do not plead, it will do no good. It will drive her father away. Nothing you will say or do will change her heart or mind. Do a 180 for yourself. Start to detach yourself from her. She is no longer the woman you married. Read married man sex primer by athol kay. Read No more mr. Nice Guy. Get tough and get ready for the worst. I hate to be the bearer of this advice but i am speaking from experience. I am going through it RIGHT NOW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick

Also, in other threads on this site you will find posts by Synthetic listing the 180 rules and guidelines for detaching yourself. Read them and live them and you will survive. Disregard them and you will be a worthless lump laying in a pool of your own pity and sorrow...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius

hmm. advice.
well, if my wife told me people come together "organically???" (seriously??)
and we were still under the same roof. And my emotional and physical needs werent being met. I probably wouldnt be too concerned with the marriage site, or chat room. But i would probably find my way to where she lay sleeping. And start kissing her up and down her body and taking her clothes off and put my penis in her.
But that is just me. 

Especially if she said there was a disconnect and no romance blah blah blah.

And she doesnt want counseling, probably because it more work. she wants passion, love, connection. More enjoyment.
yes, just my take on it, but if i were you i would find a way to woo her and get back in her pants. Like, go find her right now.


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## bribrius

p.s.

you have to have enjoyment. People say "work at it". Because you need to. But most of your relationship should be enjoying it. you spend all your time looking for a problem, you just made one.
Maybe it is a problem on your side as well. Maybe, just MAYBE, you didnt learn to ENJOY your wife.
Good God man. They aint all work. you are suppose to be enjoying her. That is part of that intimacy and where it comes from.


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## Cannot deal

Bribrius,

I wish it was that simple. It takes two people. I cannot "woo" someone is not open to it at all. We have had sex one in the last 3 months and it was incredibly awkward. She does not give me affection and considers me "family".

We are a good team at managing the household and kids etc. but when we are alone, she has nothing to give. 

Oh, did I mention she was diagnosed with MS this year and is turning 40?


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## stuckmick

Cannot deal said:


> Bribrius,
> 
> I wish it was that simple. It takes two people. I cannot "woo" someone is not open to it at all. We have had sex one in the last 3 months and it was incredibly awkward. She does not give
> me affection and considers me "family".
> 
> We are a good team at managing the household and kids etc. but when we are alone, she has nothing to give.
> 
> Oh, did I mention she was diagnosed with MS this year and is turning 40?


Im tellin ya man, heard all the same stuff. You seem to have a good grasp on the situation. Heed my earlier posts...or youre done....like i am.....i did everything too late despite being warned repeatedly by the fine folks on here. Start thinking about how to live your life without her. Im still trying to figure it out. Be the best daddy you can be and find strength in your children. Tellin ya man, im just tellin ya...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick

The next thing she will ask for is a total seperation, this as a last resort to see if she misses you and give YOU space to see that she is right. Its like a handbook for walk away wives. They all read the same script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stuckmick

Right now you are reading into any and everything she does looking for hope...dont. LET HER GO! Let her miss you now, before it comes to that. Raise your rank. But do it for you. Look, im toast, but i aint gonna let someone else go down without trying to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

If you haven't real Married Mans Sex Life get it ASAP and read it. It is not a sex manual. It is a view and plan for kicking up yourself and your value to your wife.


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## Cannot deal

Stuckmick,

I am going into marriage counseling tomorrow night and going to lay out my thoughts to the MC which are as follows:

- MC appears to be a waste of time because she is not an active participant and does not believe this is helpful

- Nothing I do is working or will work

- She feels we need to create a level of intimacy that was never there (even though we were in love and together 5 years before we got married) and this needs to happen naturally or else it is not meant to be (i.e not willing to work toward reconciliation which is telling me she wants to be seperated)
- Cannot see how things can ever get better under the current conditions (living under the sale roof)

- States that she is who she is and is not willing to change herself which tells me she would rather be without me for the chance she might find the relationship she is longer for.

- I have never been someone she turned to for emotional support and cannot do it now so therefore cannot create the intimacy we both crave (this tells me she does not want it with me)

- She says she needs space to figure things out (this pisses me off because why should I have to leave the house and give up my time with my children so SHE can figure out what she wants. If she needs space then perhaps she should move out. it is an option)

Essentially, there is nothing indicating to me that she is interested in growing our relationship to be what we both want. if she needs more time to figure this out, I will need to give it to her but the idead of sharing a place feels like treading water to the inevitable.

Stuckmick - what mistakes did you make specifically that you want me to avoid? I am really trying to prepare myself for the end of this and stepping away. It is hard when she wants everyday life to be the same. She still says "I love you" and we try to carry one like things are ok when around the kids. Clearly they are not. We have social events to attend together and spending time with her is difficult for me because it feels like a giant black cloud is sitting over our heads.


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## stuckmick

Cannot deal said:


> Stuckmick,
> 
> I am going into marriage counseling tomorrow night and going to lay out my thoughts to the MC which are as follows:
> 
> - MC appears to be a waste of time because she is not an active participant and does not believe this is helpful
> 
> - Nothing I do is working or will work
> 
> - She feels we need to create a level of intimacy that was never there (even though we were in love and together 5 years before we got married) and this needs to happen naturally or else it is not meant to be (i.e not willing to work toward reconciliation which is telling me she wants to be seperated)
> - Cannot see how things can ever get better under the current conditions (living under the sale roof)
> 
> - States that she is who she is and is not willing to change herself which tells me she would rather be without me for the chance she might find the relationship she is longer for.
> 
> - I have never been someone she turned to for emotional support and cannot do it now so therefore cannot create the intimacy we both crave (this tells me she does not want it with me)
> 
> - She says she needs space to figure things out (this pisses me off because why should I have to leave the house and give up my time with my children so SHE can figure out what she wants. If she needs space then perhaps she should move out. it is an option)
> 
> Essentially, there is nothing indicating to me that she is interested in growing our relationship to be what we both want. if she needs more time to figure this out, I will need to give it to her but the idead of sharing a place feels like treading water to the inevitable.
> 
> Stuckmick - what mistakes did you make specifically that you want me to avoid? I am really trying to prepare myself for the end of this and stepping away. It is hard when she wants everyday life to be the same. She still says "I love you" and we try to carry one like things are ok when around the kids. Clearly they are not. We have social events to attend together and spending time with her is difficult for me because it feels like a giant black cloud is sitting over our heads.


First of all, figure out what you want. It sounds to me like you want to stay married. Ok, then work on it. But what i am saying is it sounds like she has detached from you. Not good. Read MMSL. Raise your rank. There is a reason she fell in love with you. Let her find it again. My mistakes? Plenty....do not chase her, beg her, plead, , nothing. Start the 180 for yourself. Begin to detach. Do NOT read anything into her words or actions looking for hope. That is a dry well. You will drive yourself crazy looking for the minutiae of her actions, the smallest ray of hope. DONT!. I am suffering because i did not follow these simple steps. I did ALL the things stated above . It did no good. It drove her farther away and now she is gone forever. Look up Synthetics rules. Its posted in numerous threads throughout TAM. Learn them ,live them. I hope the best for you. Maybe im not the best one to ask looking for hope, but i can damn sure tell you what wont work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cannot deal

yes, I want to stay married. We went to counseling last night and since she is willing to do nothing and needs space, then we are going to get seperated. My efforts to save the marriage have gone nowhere. She is content in keeping things as is and living her life everyday. She is not interested in reconciling. What she says she needs is space to "figure things out". I don't truly believe her. I think that she wants the space as the start of divorce etc. but doesn't have the courage to admit. 

We are meeting with out MC in a few weeks to talk about the options around separation which may mean sharing an apt (if the reasons are clear) or her moving out (which she will hate) but there is no way I am moving out. I am not asking for the space.

It is difficult to turn off the hurt and act as if things are ok but I will. Meeting with a lawyer next week. I wish I could say that I had a partner who wanted to work on the marriage but I do not. I have to start detaching. I have the 180 rules which I carry in my pocket (even though infidelity is not part of the issue) and I bought the book "Married man's sex life. I cannot save this marriage by myself.


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## deejov

You might want to try the marriage builders program. From what you are writing about what your wife wants.... is to build \ recover "romantic love" which is the basis of the course. It will work... or not.

Might be too late now?

Only other comment I have is MS is a chronic, eventually fatal disease. Along with turning 40, I hope she is going to "figure that out" as well? 

Any chance she doesn't want YOU to see her detoriate, suffer, becoming dependent? Sometimes a diagnosis like that can cause people to do some rash things. Have you talked about any of that?


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## stuckmick

No, you cannot. I learned it far too late. I am a good, good hard working man who doesnt deserve this. My wife is a monster, cold and heartless. Yours is too. Meet with the lawyer and file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov

stuckmick said:


> No, you cannot. I learned it far too late. I am a good, good hard working man who doesnt deserve this. My wife is a monster, cold and heartless. Yours is too. Meet with the lawyer and file.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is your wife facing a death sentence from a disease that will take years to maim you before it kills you?


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## Cannot deal

Is my wife facing a death sentence? Are you referring to the MS? That I do not know. Her symptoms are mild and infrequent. She does not have any physical signs of deterioration. Mentally, I have no idea how scared she is. She has been powering through. She takes her medicine daily etc. She does not show any sign of weakness or vulnerability to me. She won't let me in. So, there is no intimacy.


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## exhaustedwife

bribrius said:


> hmm. advice.
> well, if my wife told me people come together "organically???" (seriously??)
> and we were still under the same roof. And my emotional and physical needs werent being met. I probably wouldnt be too concerned with the marriage site, or chat room. But i would probably find my way to where she lay sleeping. And start kissing her up and down her body and taking her clothes off and put my penis in her.
> But that is just me.
> 
> Especially if she said there was a disconnect and no romance blah blah blah.
> 
> And she doesnt want counseling, probably because it more work. she wants passion, love, connection. More enjoyment.
> yes, just my take on it, but if i were you i would find a way to woo her and get back in her pants. Like, go find her right now.


I agree with this poster. But Not just necessarly jumping right into it. . .start slow. Say to her first, I love you. I don't want for you to go. Tell her WHY you love her, WHY you want her to stay. Let her know she is not alone. . .

Then, when it feels right, ask her to a movie, have a date night.

I am a walk away wife . . .it would have worked for me. Married 10 year, 2 kids, much tragedy in our life. 


The counseling won't work unless you actually put effort in on your part; especially if she is feeling she has done all she can.


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## indiecat

Many women get the mid life terrors. Feel they have to get out there and find their true happiness before it's too late. They take their family for granted. Mid Life Crisis. She may be especially prone to this with her diagnosis. It can be a very confusing time in a person's life. 

She may have her eye on another man. I would not be surprised if she had. Have you asked her point blank and really looked at her reaction? 
If she wants to leave, then let her leave. If you don't feel like bouncing back and forth between an apartment and your home then don't. Tell her she can get a short term rental somewhere for a few months and she can see how life outside the marriage is. 

Like the above posters say don't act desperate. Tell her that you want her to be happy, and if she needs some time away then you'll respect that. 
Also tell her that if she leaves you two can date again, and try to rekindle the spark. But only if she wants to, don't mention this idea more than once.


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## Cannot deal

very interesting feedback. Really nappreciate it. I had a good day today. I realized i need to let go of fear and be the real me. While i am not sure who that is just yet. My wife wants me to reveal myself to her. Regardless, I stayed calm today which was a big deal. No chasing, no panicking etc. 

I am taking her out on 10/26 for her birthday. I am kaing all the plans. She wil have to do nothing. It's a start.


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## Penny_Lane

I agree - mid life crisis. She doesn't know what she wants right now. Sounds as if it might not be her marriage...sounds like it.

I also agree, sadly if she wants to go/needs space, what can you do to stop her if she's hellbent? So, let her get the apartment. Why, if you want to save the marriage, would you be the candidate to leave? I almost want to say, stick to your guns on this one. Do not leave.
I promise you, PROMISE, that the grass is not greener on the other side. So, when she goes to look and see if it is, she'll find out after a time, that it isn't. And her "lostness" will remain. 

I find it a shame some people can't find what they're looking for while being married. It seems it becomes the best first place to put the blame, doesn't it? .....The marriage must be bad, I feel so dissatisfied, the marriage must be bad, I feel so lonely, the marriage must be bad, I feel so empty. 

Maybe give her permission to go look? Would that be enough of a 180? I'm not 100% sold on that 180 theory but I can see how it helps one to remove the emotional straps that are present as you're being taken down the path of destruction. But it could also be seen as pride, giving up, turning away. I guess decide what YOU want and go from there.


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## Cannot deal

Penny_Lane said:


> I agree - mid life crisis. She doesn't know what she wants right now. Sounds as if it might not be her marriage...sounds like it.
> 
> I also agree, sadly if she wants to go/needs space, what can you do to stop her if she's hellbent? So, let her get the apartment. Why, if you want to save the marriage, would you be the candidate to leave? I almost want to say, stick to your guns on this one. Do not leave.
> I promise you, PROMISE, that the grass is not greener on the other side. So, when she goes to look and see if it is, she'll find out after a time, that it isn't. And her "lostness" will remain.
> 
> I find it a shame some people can't find what they're looking for while being married. It seems it becomes the best first place to put the blame, doesn't it? .....The marriage must be bad, I feel so dissatisfied, the marriage must be bad, I feel so lonely, the marriage must be bad, I feel so empty.
> 
> Maybe give her permission to go look? Would that be enough of a 180? I'm not 100% sold on that 180 theory but I can see how it helps one to remove the emotional straps that are present as you're being taken down the path of destruction. But it could also be seen as pride, giving up, turning away. I guess decide what YOU want and go from there.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cannot deal

My wife is in a state of inaction. She does not want to go to marriage counseling but is content to simply continue in this state of flux. She is making no efforts to truly engage in reconcilation. She did send me a text a few weeks back that said she was not giving 100% and she was ready to do so, she loves me and does not want to lose me. She did nothing different and will not go to marriage counseling. It is a pattern where she draws me in with hope but then does nothing different. Her idea of giving 100% is "to do nothing different but be more open to what you do". I don't see how that is addressing this as a partnership. I fear that I am going to have to be the one that sets a timeline for things to move to reconciliation or separation. It is tearing me apart. I am focused very much on taking care of my health/well being and spending time with my kids. I also do not believe fully in doing the "180". I cannot enable her any more. My fear of breaking up the family unit is clear. She knows it and does not think I will ever end it. I am doing the best I can in a very difficult situationw with a women who does not want to reconcile or seperate. The uncertainty has been sever debilitating to me, my self-esteem and my confidence. That being said, I grow stronger every day and will continue to do so. Incredibly difficult situation for me.


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## stuckmick

Cannot deal said:


> My wife is in a state of inaction. She does not want to go to marriage counseling but is content to simply continue in this state of flux. She is making no efforts to truly engage in reconcilation. She did send me a text a few weeks back that said she was not giving 100% and she was ready to do so, she loves me and does not want to lose me. She did nothing different and will not go to marriage counseling. It is a pattern where she draws me in with hope but then does nothing different. Her idea of giving 100% is "to do nothing different but be more open to what you do". I don't see how that is addressing this as a partnership. I fear that I am going to have to be the one that sets a timeline for things to move to reconciliation or separation. It is tearing me apart. I am focused very much on taking care of my health/well being and spending time with my kids. I also do not believe fully in doing the "180". I cannot enable her any more. My fear of breaking up the family unit is clear. She knows it and does not think I will ever end it. I am doing the best I can in a very difficult situationw with a women who does not want to reconcile or seperate. The uncertainty has been sever debilitating to me, my self-esteem and my confidence. That being said, I grow stronger every day and will continue to do so. Incredibly difficult situation for me.


I just went through the same thing. You may take this advice as gospel. I am 28 days from divorce being final. LET GO AND FILE FOR DIVORCE. She isnt coming back. She will only take whatever hope you have left and twist it to her own ends. TRUST ME. YOU take the initiative to get your own life back. She will take and take and take until your mind is so thoroughly twisted, you wont know which way is up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cannot deal

I could not take it anymore. I forced an ultimatum on my wife. Told her that we needed to be separated and that she needs to find us a therapist to help with the transition since she did not like the MC I originally got for us. I told her to get this done by 1/15. Since then, she dussendly was acting more affectionate and i asked her why. SHe told me that she did not want to be seperated but not because of her she wanted me, she was afraid of what it will do to the kids and our life. Operating out of fear is not the right motivation for staying married. I want and need all of my wife. That means emotionally and sexually. She is not giving either. I told her that in order for us not to be seperated that we will need to be in marriage counseling in January. She needs to get the counselour and we will re-evaluate at the end of the month. In the meatim, I have started looking for places to live that can accomondate me and my kids a few days a week. It is incredibly hard for me to both work on the marriage and plan for seperation at the same time. I told my wife why I love her and want to be together. Nothing I say matters. She does not "feel" it from me. My feelings for her are not starting to get mixed up. I have been hurt too much the last 8 months of this hell. i am much stronger now than before. Still does not change the fact that I lover her and want all of her and the family/life we have built. however, I know I cannot go on like this.


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## allwillbewell

Is you wife possibly in an EA or PA that you had not considered? Would explain alot.

Please do not listen to the advice of people who are not "friends of your marriage ". They have their own agenda. You are right to insist on MC immediately, in the meantime their are scads of good books out there. I recommend TheSeven Principles of Making Marriage Work by Dr John Gottman..good luck.and please look into A possibility...


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## Mr Blunt

From the Book "Love Must Be Tough, *Hope* for a marriage in a crises
By James Dobson, PhD



> Let the trapped partner out (He or She)
> 
> 
> Let the Trapped Partner Out
> Hope for dying marriages is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives.
> 
> 
> Opening the Cage Door
> Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.
> There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.
> Groveling techniques increase the depth of disrespect by the escaping spouse.
> 
> 
> The Right Message
> If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right:
> 
> 
> " ( insert name of spouse) , I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.
> 
> As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you are doing things that say that you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.
> 
> I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. God has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."
> 
> Setting Your Spouse Free
> Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can't believe it. This person to whom he/she has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him/her free! It isn't necessary to fight off her/his advances — her grasping hands — any more.
> 
> "But there must be a catch," he thinks. "It's too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she/he will be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She/he is really weak, you know, and he/she will crack under pressure."
> 
> It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him/her marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him/her that you are serious — that he/she is actually free. He/she may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He/she will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.


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## BuckeyeAlum

Read Wife 22 by Melanie Gideon. I won't ruin the story but the book is about a wife who finds herself in a rut in her marriage and sees that she and hubby have drifted apart. She participates in a research study about marriage and starts to have feelings for the researcher assigned to work with her....read to the end, maybe it will help? Sorry I've only been married for a couple months and don't have much to offer!


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## Doggone

I think a lot of people deal with the same situation as you. I've been on the net for 3 months now, and this is my first post. Been married 18 years, and have two kids under 6. Haven't had sex with my wife in 4 years, and in 18 years I can tell you sex wasn't great before then either. But I love her and don't want to cheat on her. I'm 44, and my biggest fear is that things won't improve, and I don't really want to start dating at 50. I listened to my parents 8 years ago and stayed in this marriage. We didn't have kids then. Our kids were born thru in vitro and the doctor used to wonder, before I handed him a fat check, why we weren't having getting pregnant. I used to want to blurt, "cause we don't have sex." Listen brother, I've heard it all- the kids will suffer if you leave. So, I didn't leave. You took an oath of marriage. So, I didn't leave. I went to marriage counseling alone cause she didn't want to go ( she does now after I told her I want a separation but I'm not sure i even want her anymore). I do recommend counseling, if nothing else it's cathartic, but if its not there, don't fool yourself. I know a couple who has been in counseling for 9 years, and although I don't pretend to be a counselor, I figure you should be straight with your wife rather than use a third person to mediate. But- while a marriage counselor won't tell you what to do, it helped me - I went like 5 times. I love my kids more than anything, and I stay for them, but they are young, and I know it would be tougher if I leave when they are teenagers. Don't think it won't affect them, but if you do leave, and your wife does not turn into a crazy, then you can continue to be a big part of their lives. Don't be a "Disney world dad." Be someone who sees kids 3 or 4 times a week if possible. The flip side is if your wife threatens to leave town, like mine threatened to do. Believe me she can lawfully leave with the kids if she gets custody. I asked for a month long separation. Im staying with a lifelong friend (don't live with a woman even if you are having an affair). I'm still going thru the motions, and I've rarely spent the night with my friend, cause my wife calls and tells me what a lousy person I am, and that someone will break in and hurt the kids. So I always go back. It's funny and sad that at least some of love our kids so much more than our spouses. My wife is a doctor, makes a lot of money, I'm a lawyer and do pretty good. We have never fought over expenses. She has never cheated on me (believe me I have scoured for evidence). So, why leave? I'm not sure i will, but I regret everyday I don't. We run our marriage like a business. I could certainly continue that course and live better than most men. Finally, I'll give you one piece of advice. My wife and lived apart for years because of our jobs. I had a long term affair with a beautiful woman while we lived apart (which by the way was 4 years). My wife doesn't know, and I only left the affair because I know it was duplicitous and I was always looking over my shoulder. This was years before we had kids. I always regretted it (and blamed it on the fact that she was moved up with me and left her job if she really loved me). Having an affair will cloud your judgment, and I wouldn't leave my kids for another woman. But I would leave if the relationship is beyond repair. That's for you to decide- believe me after years of looking for someone - friends and family- to tell me to leave so I would feel better about it. No one will do so, most people will tell you not to leave. But you can't live your life for their happiness. The only reason I would stay is for my kids. And ultimately that's why I haven't filed for a divorce yet.


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## Cannot deal

I will look into the possibility of EA or PA. I am struggling with my own feelings at this point. There are so many great things about our life. 90% good but the 10% missing is not something i can truly live without, which is sharing life with some who wants and desires me as a man. This process has changed me.


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## Cannot deal

I dont have time to read this book. How does it end?


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