# He wants in the back door..help!



## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

What does a woman do when her husband constantly wants to use the back door? 

This started about 5 years ago and I think it's become an obsession with him. I've told him no over and over again and he just doesn't seem to get it. I've tried all sorts of different things in bed to try to keep him interested, thinking he might just be getting bored or something, but to no avail. He's even been "off" on his aim a couple of times while we're having sex! Did he think I wouldn't notice or something? 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a traditional, missionary only type person at all, but I used to work in the medical field and have seem some scary stuff in regards to anal sex and it's really nothing that I have EVER wanted to get into. What do I do???


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

I'd turn it around on him and say you want to play with his back door. That one has my H running for the door!!!! lol I'm not sure unless you want to explore it starting out with a small toy made for beginners? Then that might be enough to hold him off for a while? Maybe he would like to do some kissing or licking in the area? Then just tell him that your not comfortable going any farther then that.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

um, that is something that if someone doesnt want to do it they shouldnt have to. there are a few things my wife would never do (thats one but i have never really tried anyway), finishing oral is another. since i know she is opposed to these things i just dont even consider them


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm on the "opposite" end. I don't care about ever having anal sex...but my wife LOVES it.

I'm not saying I don't enjoy it and that the feeling isn't good, but I'd much rather have vaginal or a BJ than anal. 

However, I do it when she wants it for her, she likes it so I do it. 

It is nice however, to still be able to have some form of sex during "that time" of the month, especially since when it comes to BJs, my wife is like Okeys...will do them as foreplay but has never and will never let it "finish" from a BJ.

The thing about anal, is even if the woman is VERY into it, you still have to be SO careful, especially as the guy. During anal I pretty much let her do all the "work" because if I push the wrong way...BAD/painful things can happen.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

With your husband's issues, Deb, I wouldn't give him any kind of sex, quite honestly. I'd divorce him and find a man I'm compatible with.

That said, I have no problems with what your husband is asking for. But then, I love my husband and want him in just about every way. And, he's faithful.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

If its a boundary you are not willing to cross, then he should respect that. For me and my H , its a normal part of our sexual relationship, and I enjoy it just as much as he does. Thats the key though, if someone is doing it only to please their spouse, then they are not going to get the same feeling from it. We make sure to take the necessary sanitary precautions, and have never had an sickness/ injury, etc. My H knows my body extremely well, and for us, its just another part of our sex life we both find extremely pleasurable. If its not for you, its not for you and he should respect your boundaries.


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

I agree if you don't want to... don't do it. If you don't want to, your going to be more tense and it could cause even more damage. I will not allow that to happen and will not finish a blow job. I am pretty open to other things but those two I am stead fast on. 

My man kept making comments about anal sex and tried to "aim wrong" a few times too. I grabbed his penis and moved it and changed my position so he wouldn't have such an easy access to "make a mistake". I tried that but he continued to make small comments and that sort of thing so one day I spoke up and said, "hey, I know what we can do". His response was ???? I said, we can go to the sex store, I will get a strap on, I do it to you and then you can do it to me. He's never commented about the rear entry again.

He's also commented on finishing a blow job. He says, if I am down on you and you get off, what's the difference?? He doesn't seem to understand the fact that oral clitoral stimulation to orgasm is completely different then a man squirting it in a woman's mouth or all over her face. I see that is pornographic and degrading to the woman he is with.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

crazyanimal said:


> I see that is pornographic and degrading to the woman he is with.


Kind of OT but I never got the whole degrading thing for swollowing. To me it is two things: it feels absolutely awesome and it is the ultimate acceptance of "me." My wife said at first that it tastes bad. She told me to taste it...so I did, not bad. Of course then the excuse canged to it being degrading. Oh well, I dropped it. 

I want to hear from the ladies who would not swallow at first, but had a change of heart. My wife used to swallow when we were dating. Guess I disgust or want to degrade her now that we are married and 100X more in love??? 

Also, if I was into anal and she also told me to try a strap on first, I would. I would not expect her to do anything I would not do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

crazyanimal said:


> He's also commented on finishing a blow job. He says, if I am down on you and you get off, what's the difference?? He doesn't seem to understand the fact that oral clitoral stimulation to orgasm is completely different then a man squirting it in a woman's mouth or all over her face. I see that is pornographic and degrading to the woman he is with.


So would you call it pornographic and degrading to men if they indulge in pleasuring their lady orally and they get squirted all over their face?

It's just sex, ma'am.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

michzz said:


> So would you call it pornographic and degrading to men if they indulge in pleasuring their lady orally and they get squirted all over their face?
> 
> It's just sex, ma'am.


If so, please degrade me, please:smthumbup:


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Certainly if you don't want to do something you shouldn't be forced to do it. Frankly, I don't care too much about anal sex but the women I have had sex with who tried it always liked it. I never had one that "only wanted to do it once". Of course that type of sex requires a little care and patience from the man but if done properly I doubt there could be many probems with it. Maybe try it once and you will like it or he will find it was not all he thought it would be?

To weigh in on swallowing, again, if somone doesn't like it they should not have to do it but for me that person is probably not sexual enough for me to have a long-term relationship with them. Frustration would eventually set in but hey, I know plenty of guys out there who don't get this from their wives and seem to have decent sex lives. The thought of doing it myself doesn't exactly turn me on but the average amount is about a teaspoon and if it made my lover happy, I would find a way to do it. Being "degrading" sounds like an excuse not to do it to me but then again, I have very little hang-ups on sex as all is fair in bed!

Contrary to other advice above, I would not cut him off of sex completely or divorce him. Work through the problem, sex is very important but if you have a good relationship outside of this issue, you can get through this!


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I've thought about the letting him try it once but am afraid that then he would like it so much he would REALLY never forget about it.



chuckf75 said:


> The thought of doing it myself doesn't exactly turn me on but the average amount is about a teaspoon and if it made my lover happy, I would find a way to do it.


A teaspoon?!?? Geez! My husband must be really well hydrated or something!

No, not into the swallowing and my hubby is the type where if I say I'll do it if you do it first, he would, so I'm not going to go there. 

Have tried the swallowing thing before and it was really gross. I'm sure it's mostly a mental thing but it seems to be one that I'm not going to get over. Best thing for us is in the shower where he can get it all over my chest or whatever and then I can wash right after.


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

I guess maybe I find it pornographic or degrading because he watches so much porn... as mentioned in other posts by me. Maybe "he" makes me feel this way if I do this to him. He's tried to play out things he's seen in porn and made sexual comments that were pretty vulgar... not something you'd say to your significant other. Those could be my issues as to why I feel the way I do about it.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Look, in all reality back door sex is not as dangerous as you make it out to be. If you're so afraid, better try finding away to make it safer than say no....plus, you shouldn't let fear get in the way of anything. Rather than say no to that, equip yourself with a considerable amount of lube, any flavor...

If it's just an excuse because you don't like it that's another story.
My arguements pro back door sex:
-great in a certain period of the month
-think of the gay men that only have sex this way and are fine
- when it's with the man you love nothing is degrading. Less then 50 years ago feeling pleasure while having sex could have been considered degrading by some women. Open your minds a bit you might like it. 

As for the swallowing part. Some women like to say it's grose. I like to think it's part of what makes us all be alive and turns into babies so i find it great  It's all about how you think and embrace life.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

crazyanimal said:


> Maybe "he" makes me feel this way if I do this to him. He's tried to play out things he's seen in porn and made sexual comments that were pretty vulgar..



Why is porn degrading to women?Those women actually enjoy themselves, they choose that life. I could understand it if you were with some random guy but you're with your husband and you are a highly sexual being (we all are, male and female). It's just that females are taught since a very young age that we are '*****s' if we do this and that. In a marriage that concern shouldn't exist.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Dangerous or not, nobody should feel pressured to do something they don't want to do.

OP is well in her rights to say no. Some people enjoy it, some people are willing to do it for their partner, and some people just won't.

I'm in the third group. If my wife asked me to, I couldn't do it. No way, no how. Not because it is degrading, but because it is a turn off for me. Which would make it kinda hard to complete the act. (or NOT hard, as the case may be. )

As far as oral being degrading, I suppose anything sexual can be degrading if treated that way. A few choice words, or actions, can turn plain vanilla missionary sex into a degrading act. I prefer to think of giving oral as empowering....something I can give with no expectation of receiving, something "just for her". I've heard some women say the same thing, how it is empowering, makes them feel in control. I guess it is all in how it is treated.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, you are very right. No one is expected to do something they don't like or that makes them feel unconfortable.

In your case it's obvious you don't like it and it's more than normal for you not to do it. In the OP's case...it depends. I was giving an alternate view on that activity because sometimes it helps to view things from a different perspective. And it helps to keep an open mind...and ask yourself 'k, why don't i like this...because it makes me feel cheap...but why do i think it makes me feel cheap? it's supposed to bring me and my husband pleasure'. If at the end of that you still don't like a type of sex, then sure, don't do it. It's more than normal to say no to things you don't like.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Don't tell me that all women in porn are enjoying themselves... that's rubbish. There is a lot of exploitation in the sex trades. Don't forget that and surely don't use the condition of the women (mentally, emotionally) as a reason to support porn...

HOWEVER... if you aren't married to Mr. Respectful it could easily be seen as degrading to have him want to do to her what he sees in porn. If you're married to a guy who treats sex as though it isn't something special and their wives indifferently, it would be easy to ask what the difference is between the indifferent way men treat women in porn (it is all about them) and the way the guy is treating his wife.

Also, this nonsense about "hey, I know what we could do" is so silly. The guy can't even talk about sex properly. 

Remember, I'm a very sexually adventurous person. But I didn't get there by feeling pressured to do things I wasn't into or by having my husband (either of them) behave poorly toward me but then want what he's seen in some video. I got there by being loved and wanted and respected.


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

My wife and I have had backdoor. Sometimes its been good for her sometimes not so good. It has always been an in the mood thing. We did it once years ago and then not again for years. It was only after the birth of one of our children that it became something that wasn't always out of the question. Not sure what changed in that department but even still its something that has to be in the right mood. I sometimes will ask and she will say okay other times it just sorta happened when spooning and one thing would lead to the next. 

Its funny because for me it doesn't feel all that different. The idea of it is sort of the the turn on not the feeling itself. For us its not something that can be rushed and takes time to work everything in. If its uncomfortable then I will stop. Sometimes she doesn't tell me and I finish and then feel bad when she tells me that it felt a little painful. 

I enjoy the though of the "forbidden" but enjoy the feeling of her vagina better. Its something that can just be an extra spice sometimes. She has asked me why I enjoy that, or why I want to and in the end I don't really have an answer because it doesn't feel all that different for me. Also its usually not as fun just because I do need to be more careful not to hurt her and because I worry that if I do something wrong it will hurt really bad.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I think this is why my wife likes anal and swallowing; it just makes her feel "naughty", which turns her on (me too!) But if being naughty is not something a person likes then I can certainly understand not wanting to do such stuff.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It doesn't make me feel naughty. It makes me feel close to my husband.

(PS - never did this w/ex-husband)


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yeah, I don't get that "naughty" feeling. It's just a natural part of our sex life that we both enjoy. We have a level of intimacy within our sex life that neither of us have experienced with anyone else before. It's very liberating, actually. I've never gotten the thing about swallowing either. I don't see it as degrading, but I understand a lot of women do. As far as taste, modifying the diet can seriously help the taste. Foods like strawberries and pineapple can make it taste sweeter...asparagus on the other hand, does HORRIBLE things to the taste. LOL!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I've had zero problems with asparagus.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Fruits like pineapple and strawberry definitely help the taste.

Anyway, I agree with most, if done in a loving relationship and done the right way, anal and swallowing NEITHER are "degrading" to women, thats just absurd. Especially to the poster that said its not degrading for a man to perform oral until climax is not degrading to the man but if a woman performs oral on a man until climax it is degrading? Thats ridiculous.

Now, if I just watched some porn where a guy was just hammering away at some girls "backdoor" with no regard for "her" and asked my wife to act like that...now THAT would be degrading.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Really? IMO asparagus makes for a funky taste. So does alcohol, but luckily my H does not drink. LOL. Same works for women too, as far as the taste goes.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Well, I guess my husband's natural pleasantness overrides everything else. 

We're just freaks, eh, Mommybean? I'm glad you're here so I'm not odd chick out. 

He did say something to me about too much coffee and me and I would have to believe him...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am soooo deprived


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I know, Dobo. i'm used to being the odd chick out, but it's nice to have some company. Lol. 
Eh, to me, sex is too much fun NOT to be a freak. Maybe thats why my H tells me how lucky he is to have a freaky wife. =)


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

That's a very bad way to look at it Okey. Remember that the women who post here as being "different" are really different. We're not the same as other women and you can't expect other women to be like us. All you can do is love the woman you are with and encourage her to open up to you -- AND -- to share your own strange desires with her. You have no idea how cool it is for a guy to share with you things he's afraid to admit to anyone else. 

If you think you are deprived, you are only doing what every guy who watches porn is doing when they wnat their girl to do what they are watching... setting yourself up for dissatisfaction. That's the true problem with porn. You start to want what you see without regard to the relationship that it really takes to get to this level in real life. It becomes an entitlement. 

I also worry about my daughters and the pressure that will be put on them when they aren't ready.

If you men have daughters, think about them before you think about what you're not getting. Because trust me, some nasty, spoiled jerk of a 17 YO is thinking those things about her already.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I agree Dobo. We have 2 boys, and while my H has made a lot of stupid mistakes, parenting our boys has never been one of them. I hope that they grow up with the type of respect men SHOULD have for women. My H did not, so it's been a hell of a learning process for him. He says thats prolly why his past relationships failed, and ours perseveres: I am strong enough to stand up to him and call him on his BS, and I guess thats given him enough courage to become the man he always wanted to be...finally. 

Okie, I agree with Dobo about a man willing to share what he desires with his woman, no matter how odd he may think they are. I love the "oddness" that dwells inside my H's head. It's my own personal playground. =)


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OMG! That's what I say!! Playground!!!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Too funny. You know what they say about great minds and all; guess that pertains to freaky odd ball chick minds too. LMAO!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> That's a very bad way to look at it Okey. Remember that the women who post here as being "different" are really different. We're not the same as other women and you can't expect other women to be like us. All you can do is love the woman you are with and encourage her to open up to you -- AND -- to share your own strange desires with her. You have no idea how cool it is for a guy to share with you things he's afraid to admit to anyone else.
> 
> If you think you are deprived, you are only doing what every guy who watches porn is doing when they wnat their girl to do what they are watching... setting yourself up for dissatisfaction. That's the true problem with porn. You start to want what you see without regard to the relationship that it really takes to get to this level in real life. It becomes an entitlement.
> 
> ...


not a porn guy, hardly ever watch it but i'm not naive enough to expect my wife to act the way some of those ladies do. she is without a doubt inhibited when it comes to sex, but it is who she is and i dont have unrealistic expectations. and i could be quite happy with our methods if it was just more frequent.

the "so deprived" comment was a joke.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Some women are just inhibited sexually. Most often its from upbringing, and sadly, there is not a whole lot you can do to change years of conditioning. Does your wife come from a traditional background, or a religious family? 
I was ALWAYS a bit of a rebel, and i'm sure that has something to do with my sexual openess.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My sexual expression grew over time. So anything is possible in terms of growth over time. It is really important to be in a safe environment and a lot of men don't realize how they don't really provide a loving environment. If a woman *gets* that what the man really wants is her and not someone else, it is a lot easier to be expressive. But when men spend their time lusting after others and then come home and want their wives to excite them, it just doesn't work. Nobody wants to be treated that way, as someone settled for. The best way to make your woman not feel settled for is to put no one else above them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Some women are just inhibited sexually. Most often its from upbringing, and sadly, there is not a whole lot you can do to change years of conditioning. Does your wife come from a traditional background, or a religious family?
> I was ALWAYS a bit of a rebel, and i'm sure that has something to do with my sexual openess.



it would be difficult for me to completely understand why she is inhibited. there have been a few instances where she wasnt (way out of character stuff she wanted to do or did) but there have only been a few, and i cant explain that either. that happens like once a year maybe.

as it relates to this thread, mine has actually asked me to to this, and on a few occasions took charge and guided me there, but we cant get past "go" cause she tightens up. i have never expressed a desire for this nor have i attempted it on my own. it just boggles my mind. i cannot help but think she is curious about it or at least gets to a point during foreplay where she is so worked up she wants to get a little deviant. again, its very very rare


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Well, if she gets to that point and then backs off, it is either out of fear of pain, or I would say there is some voice in her head telling her it is wrong. It sounds like she really does not get why she is the way she is either, to an extent. It sounds like she *wants* to come out of her shell a bit, but there is something in her that won't let her. 
The few times she has let go, how has she acted afterwards?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

This is a good place for just enough alcohol to lower inhibitions. Also, have her lay on her side for entry. Easiest and least likely to bottom out.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Well, if she gets to that point and then backs off, it is either out of fear of pain, or I would say there is some voice in her head telling her it is wrong. It sounds like she really does not get why she is the way she is either, to an extent. It sounds like she *wants* to come out of her shell a bit, but there is something in her that won't let her.
> The few times she has let go, how has she acted afterwards?



ya know, thats an interesting question. my wife gets real jittery and high strung after sex (orgasm). its almost intolerable. she starts yabbering about schedules and things she needs to do. i on the otherhand want to bask and be calm, weird huh?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> This is a good place for just enough alcohol to lower inhibitions. Also, have her lay on her side for entry. Easiest and least likely to bottom out.



that would be nice but she doesnt drink, and remember, this is always a suprise, not planned


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Very odd. Sounds like she either gets embarassed, so she jumps into "wifey" mode to divert her energy, or maybe her orgasms give her such a high, she does not know what to do with herself. For me, every single ounce of stress leaves my body, I'm in a total state of bliss. I don't think ANYTHING could get me irritated. 

Is she a control freak in other areas of her life? It could be a control issue....her lettting go means she loses control and the only way in her mind to regain it, is to go into hyper mode.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Mommybean said:


> Very odd. Sounds like she either gets embarassed, so she jumps into "wifey" mode to divert her energy, or maybe her orgasms give her such a high, she does not know what to do with herself. For me, every single ounce of stress leaves my body, I'm in a total state of bliss. I don't think ANYTHING could get me irritated.
> 
> Is she a control freak in other areas of her life? It could be a control issue....her lettting go means she loses control and the only way in her mind to regain it, is to go into hyper mode.


she is OCD (IMHO, not diagnosed). she tries to be organized but is woefully bad at it (bless her heart). she has unattended messes everywhere and always seems flustered at "how much she has to do", but it is easily manageable if she could just finish something before starting twelve other things.

whoa, we've gone off topic here real quick, apologies to the OP


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

OCD's are control freaks. I'm betting her letting go and getting frisky in her mind equals being out of control. Her jumping up and trying to tend to things, is her way of gaining control again. It is also possible she could have Adult ADD...my H does. He can't finish a project to save his life, and constantly has several things going at once.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

strap on a dildo and screw him back...what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he is okay with this when you are finished I think you will both be fine.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

dobo said:


> Easiest and least likely to bottom out.


Nice pun!!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm ADD. 

And I didn't even catch the bottoming out joke.  How sad.

There are people who can't slow down, can't allow themselves to enjoy sex. They feel guilty for giving it the time it takes, as though cultivating a good sex life is a bad thing. I think this may be a reaction to the culture. The difference is, that we're doing it within marriage. And there it is really important and it pays huge dividends.

Anyway, my company has just been acquired and I'm thinking -- go home, get boffed. At least I'll enjoy that one.


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