# Husband caught with porn !



## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

It's been awhile since i've been on here, and hope this helps me with some inner issues. I spoke some time ago about my husband being addicted to porn, got help and it's been about 4-5 yrs since his counselling sessions and seems to have done very , very well for himself. 
Last week I caught him watching a porn movie, at least at the beginning of it, well he seen me out of the corner of his eye and flipped the station really quick and denied it. We had a big arguement and then he confessed yes he was watching it but he didn't know, it didn't turn him on , or anything like that. 
The turmoil i am going thru right now is that I told him before that if he did this again I couldn't be with him anymore that our lives would end as a couple. He got upset , said he wouldnt' do it again, cried, blubbered whatever. The I won't do it again is something that he tried before and I told him dont' want to hear that nonsense, your using it as a ploy to keep me and it's not working. Funny right now is that I dont' exactly know how I feel about him, with all the inner resentment I have towards him for lying when I caught him and for trying to hide it totally when I was standing there. I'm still with him, one is I really dont' make enough money to move out and two is I do have medical and joint bills with him that I will not leave him with, no matter how he hurt me I wouldnt be so mean. I can't play the evil game. 
I'm lost inside, I've asked him to take some time he's built up at work and go somewhere and he wont' leave me alone long enough to think. I'm so busy at work I dont' have to time to sort out anything, and when I have a min or two to myself to just wonder, think or even try to cry he walks in from work. I cant' get any time off work this is why I suggest he go somewhere but see that's not working.....
I am so stressed i've fallen off my diet and gained 2 pds this month the thing I didn't want to happen.
You guys have been so helpful on this site, i'd like to hear from anyone , I want to hurt him like he's hurt me ??? He doesnt' know what it feels like to be hurt by me, I can't be this way.
What bugs me is we dont' have sex, I beg for it or have to work for it , then this happens. If my letter sounds confusing it's cuz I am so confused about my feelings in all this, right now I dont' really care about how he feels, tears, begging , dont' care what he wants .......... mean aren't I??


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## kyliecutlciffe (Feb 16, 2010)

Hey,

I feel exactly the same. And funny enough my husband when he was caught in the act told me that he dont know why he watched it and he didnt mean to and he would make it up to me and that he got nothing out of it. But I cant help but wonder, if he dont get anything out of it then why look at it again? The women he seems to watch are blonde which I am not so it makes me feel ugly. I try and please him in any way I can but he still went to it. The worse part is that I was pregnant both times I caught him which has now made me feel depressed and trapped. I dont feel really loved and I am confused on what I should do. Men seem to do it naturally but I dont feel like its right when your meant to be happily married and having a child together. I need some advice too. I just feel like he really wanted to watch it and that I am not attractive to him anymore.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

My stb-x watched porn all the time - it was called HGTV.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Not too long ago, some researchers set out to do a study on attitudes toward sex, comparing men who looked at porn with men who didn't look at porn. But they couldn't do the study, because they couldn't find any men who didn't look at porn. Not one.

Porn scratches an itch. People will look at it even if it's not very satisfying, or not satisfying at all. Often, the _idea_ of porn is more interesting than the actual porn, but the _expectation_ of it keeps one watching to see the bit they like.

People will spend hours looking at yesterday's classifieds, or surfing the net, even if they aren't looking for anything in particular, and not remembering what they've seen afterwards. People waste staggering amounts of time, often doing neither what they ought OR what they like.

Your husband looking at porn is not about you. If the failed study about sex attitudes is right, every woman's husband/boyfriend looks at porn from time to time, except maybe for the Amish. Even the women in the porn movies have boyfriends who look at porn with other women in it. It's not about you.

Your best bet to change his behavior isn't to complain about it or make a big deal about it. You should say "If you want to watch porn once in a while, as long as it doesn't interfere with _me_ getting sex when I want it, fine. But if you get bored watching, and you'd like to _do_ some of those things, you know where to find me."


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## jgn2112fletch (Feb 5, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> My stb-x watched porn all the time - it was called HGTV.


My potentially stb-x also has a porn addiction...it's called Lifetime.
We actually joke about this, but I feel that my wife's (and others' spouses) "addiction" to tv or things that prevent them from addressing or confronting the problems in a marriage obviously make things worse and can cause resentment. I'm quite certain my wife would make the same argument with me and surfing on my laptop. The difference here is that on several occasions I've tried to go up to the bedroom where she retires after dinner to watch tv for the rest of the night to also watch tv, talk, read, and just spend time together. But "it" just isn't there. The kids come up cuz we're up there together and they're downstairs alone and then she gets annoyed cuz they're playing in the bedroom and she wants to watch Big Love or Grey's Anatomy or read her book and she can't. I don't think she's ever made an effort to spend time with me (for which I would gladly put down the computer) or ask me about the projects I'm working on online or just spend time connecting.

I think this could be the issue here with the porn. It sounds like he's having a relapse and, if I remember, the wife was willing to act out some of the fantasies he sees online but he still goes back to porn even after therapy, right?
If what he's watching makes you feel ugly, then something drastic needs to happen. But what's more is that last time you gave him an ultimatum...if it happens again, you're gone...right? Well it happened again, and unless you at least separate, you've just sent him a message that your ultimatums won't stand and he'll almost be guaranteed to do it again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

heartache said:


> What bugs me is we dont' have sex, I beg for it or have to work for it , then this happens.


 THIS is the problem. If a man can enjoy Porn AND take care of his wife enthuasictically, lovingly & never deny her sexually, 
then I would try to persuade you to see another side to this issue. But he is obvioulsy using Porn in place of a satisfying sex life with his willing & desiring wife. So WRONG!! He needs to understand this IS NOT acceptable. 


How long do you feel he has been hiding it? You said he got help 4-5 years ago, did your sex life improve after this Help? 

Almost ALL men will hide this if their wives are adament about not viewing it. Even the best husbands view Porn, and it has nothing to do with the wife, I would also agree our lust for Lifetime movies could be a decent comparison! 

I think a better appraoch is NOT making the biggest deal about Porn viewing, but how your needs are not being met in this marraige, that you have a right to have a husband who WANTS & DESIRES YOU . This is more the heart of the problem. 

If you do desire to stay with him, you might want to work on some kind of compromise. Example: He needs to Persue you more sexually And you may be willing to start watching some "soft" porn with him , for you both to enjoy. 


I used to hate porn, it disgusted me, but now we watch it together and it has really been a blessing, as crazy as it sounds.


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## K8_astrophy (Feb 18, 2010)

Men think about sex all day and all night. Porn is an outlet that doesn't involved "cheating". But if you feel so strongly against him watching it, there is a big problem. But I will tell you one thing.

Some men are just better then others at hiding it, but the all watch it in some form or another. Whether its swimsuit models or hardcore movies . . .


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> THIS is the problem. If a man can enjoy Porn AND take care of his wife enthuasictically, lovingly & never deny her sexually,
> then I would try to persuade you to see another side to this issue. But he is obvioulsy using Porn in place of a satisfying sex life with his willing & desiring wife. So WRONG!! He needs to understand this IS NOT acceptable.


I totally agree, and I can truly relate to this. Most men enjoy porn, and that doesn't have to mean that they are not attracted to their spouses. However, if you do not have a healthy sex life, and he constantly gets off via porn, then that is a major problem (which I am currently experiencing). Keep communicating your feelings about this to him, and if your sex life does not improve, then you have to weigh your options.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

goincrazy said:


> Keep communicating your feelings about this to him, and if your sex life does not improve, then you have to weigh your options.



What a fascinating statement. "Keep communicating your feelings about this to him." Okay, good place to start. But it seems to me that there is no recognition of each partner's responsibility for the marriage in a statement like this. This could so easily be interpreted as, "it's the wife's responsibility to communicate her feelings, and the husband's responsibility to alter his life to accommodate those feelings."

See the problem here? I think this is the way so many people approach relationships. This is the "50/50 mentality." "I'll do my half - by telling him what I think - and then I'll test him to see if he responds to what I think in the way I want him to respond. If he doesn't, then I'll know he's a jerk, and I'll be justified in treating him like crap. After all, he's the jerk."

This isn't about porn. It's about being in relationship with one another.

Here's what we know about porn today:
1. It is almost universally available - if you can post on this messageboard, you can access virtually any kind of pornography you could imagine, free of charge and without hesistation.
2. Lots of people find it highly stimulating.
3. Lots of people find it highly offensive.

The issue in a marriage is almost never porn itself. Instead, the issue is honesty, forthright communication, and taking care of one another. Most men I've met feel awkward, embarrassed, ashamed of getting themselves off. Add porn to the mix, especially if their tastes are a little, shally we say, esoteric, and you've got a volatile combination. Add a marriage into it, especially with a wife whose only available response is to scream and shame, and it's no surprise that this behavior goes deep underground and becomes a subject that is very difficult for spouses to talk about. 

*Of course ALL THIS goes out the window if someone is truly addicted to destructive behavior. Then, I have to say it's time for strong intervention.* And in the OP's case it may be that this is a guy who has started to deal with his addiction and is now not doing well. 

I think as women we need to be good stewards of our relationships. It is too easy for women and men too to get into a quid-pro-quo, keeping score mentality around our relationships, and it's destructive. A marriage is NOT a 50/50 deal. It's a 100/0, 100/0 deal. This is a tough thing for people to wrap their minds around, and I strongly believe it to be True with a capital T.


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## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

Let me just add a males point of view here.

I have gratified myself probably every day since I was 17 years old. This is part of my sexuality, and I accept myself, and I don't feel shame that I do. Many men go into a marriage with the expectation that all this sexual energy will be redirected into a "legitimate" activity, which is naive.

Two things : first of all, men crave variety. This is unflattering to hear, but its the truth. Women as a purely sexual consideration are like flavors of candy, and variety activates the libido, like it or not. If you can accept this fact of nature, and integrate this into your sexual experience with him ( i.e. BOTH of you watch the porn while being together ) you might be happier. Secondly, masturbation is IMO necessary to ones mental health, and porn is an effective tool in that regard. Its not that he doesn't want to be with you, its just that we don't have the stamina to make an emotional investment in achieving release with our wives every time we feel the urge. If you DENY him the ability to purge the poisons from his system, or make him feel guilt about it, what you may find is that he will re-evaluate his relationship with you just due to sexual frustration.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

I used to despise when I would find out guys I dated watched porn. I would always get so angry and try talking to them about it. Of course they would tell me they wouldn't watch anymore...truth is they just got better at hiding it.

I started to accept that as long as he just watched porn and didn't go out and get the "real thing" then I was fine. When I met my stbX he admitted he watched porn and was so amazed that I was fine with it. In fact we watched it together. He loved that part of me because I accepted it as being a part of who he is. For his birthday he would always get his Hustler subscription renewed, from me . It really helped keep our sex life alive and healthy.

I'm not sure if I could have handled things so easily if the men I were with watched porn but wouldnt have sex with me. And, if it is truly something that you cannot accept I don't think talking about it will help. Honestly I'm not sure where I'm going with this but just don't let it make you bitter towards him. I really don't know of any guys who don't enjoy a little "time to themselves". 

Wish you the best!


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