# I feel so ugly and worthless and I don't know what to do



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I am struggling a bit here and need advice...

My husband had an EA about 18 months ago now. Met her at work, she pursued him heavily. They got close, kissed, he left that place of work, she continued to fish, he broke NC, I threw him out, we reconciled, did counselling, and we got married a year after it happened.

We've actually worked through things well I think. The after-effects still linger and it does get brought up from time to time, usually by way of triggers.

One thing I have struggled with consistently since his EA is my self-image. Now, I will say that since being a teenager, I was always aware I didn't have the perfect model body, but to me I looked good, and I was happy with my body and my looks. I was never insecure like that and boyfriends and my husband commented on how much they liked that, that I didn't have that.

Now I am very much the opposite. The woman he had the EA with, for starters she is very much his "type" by way of looks. We have always joked that I am not. Also physically she is very fit, involved in a lot of sports. When he had his EA I'd had a baby five months ago and was carrying baby fat. I've never been fat but I was bigger than usual.

I've never been able to shake that feeling since of not measuring up. I hit the gym hard once baby hit 6 months, and since joined up other classes to help me feel better.

Something recently has REALLY kicked my self-image. We had team pictures taken for one of the sports I have taken up. When we saw them I was mortified. My head shot was not flattering, to say the least. The other girls all looked great. Really good. I looked awful. Now, I think it's fair to say I've never been photogenic, but I've never had any problems with how I look and I ALWAYS get complimented on how good I look after having four children. Plus no-one ever believes I am the age I am. But I did not look good.

I've found myself on a bit of a downer. The feelings I had about not measuring up have come back right up to the surface. I feel so ugly and unattractive and useless. I feel like just recently I've been waltzing around, buying new clothes and generally thinking I look okay, and no-one has bothered to tell me that actually I'm pretty darn ugly and the mirror's broken.

The thing is I feel SO ANGRY at my husband. He did this to me. It's hard to explain but if I had to go out as a single lady I'd have no doubts about feeling attractive. It's only in relation to him that I feel so horrible. And the killer is I don't know what to do about it that I haven't done already.

Any advice? It might sound petty in the scheme of things but this has really affected me big time and I am struggling hugely


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You say he jokes you are not his type. Why is that?

If he loves you and is attracted to you, aren't you his type?

Does he compliment you? Do you feel he is genuine if he does? Does he invest time into making you feel good?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

I searched for a topic where someone mentioned something about cheaters' perceptions to their spouse. I think it may have been on another board.
Basically it goes like this, the man has a wife that everybody envies for having. She's very attractive and basically two of his co-workers have/had a crush on her. What he does is insulting her constantly and does f*** up passive agressive s*** like telling her to come and see him at work then acts all smothered when she does.
Blame her for not being well dressed enough, then humiliate her in front of his co workers for being pathetic in her efforts to "hide her ugliness".
This man was caught having an affair with a female co worker that looks like that troll of sleeping paralysis compared to his poor wife.

This is to tell you that cheaters decide on a truth, impression of partner and desire for themselves and refuse to remotely consider a flaw in their reasoning.

I'm not telling you to stop being hard on your physique, especially on that photo, because you'll do it when you're ready. And when your husband will push the final straw and finally make you decide that he's not worth your efforts nor your worry, single males of your town will prove to you how attractive you are, every time you'll have a girl's night out. It will even be annoying after a while.

For your husband, a term that I'm using lately and discovered on this board. Do the 180.
Let him bathe in his pathetic need of extra marital affairs.
Only speak to him when spoken to. And as much concise as possible.
Exercise, not because your physique needs it but because your mind does. Body aches will put those thoughts you're having about yourself back into their place.

Your husband is a receding cheater, only a lobotomy will make him faithful again. Sadly, I don't think it's doable anymore, so don't waste time you can spend on the most person that cares about you, yourself.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am sorry you feel that way and this EA was devastating to you in many ways. I think you should try to slowly get confidence. 

Assuming you want your marriage to work and feel he is attentive and committed, then I do not understand the 180 of trying to create problems and make him feel miserable. I would get counseling and try to address your self-image issues. Consider getting a beauty consultant and getting a nice picture taken for your self-image, and putting it in the house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your self-image took a battering from your husband, and probably before he had his affair, too.

In all probability, you are, in reality, as hot as hell. 

Here's one for you, there's a _very_ prominent person in the UK who can look quite ugly on TV and in photographs in the press.

For my job I had to meet her and her husband in person. The reality is that she is very pretty and, bizarrely, when I met here, she had lots of teenage boys fighting to be photographed with her! 

And it doesn't sound petty. My wife is a very 'honest' person. Her honesty accidentally crushed me for a very long time. I have self-image issues too and what she said merely confirmed my negative self-image.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Physical features alone are not the marks for beauty.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
Does your H compliment you on how you look? Are those compliments sincere? Does he hug/touch you in a manner that is clearly "all about you"? 

Does he treat you well overall? 

Do you treat him well overall? 

What is this nonsense about "type"? If you weren't his "type" he wouldn't have pursued/married you.




tobio said:


> I am struggling a bit here and need advice...
> 
> My husband had an EA about 18 months ago now. Met her at work, she pursued him heavily. They got close, kissed, he left that place of work, she continued to fish, he broke NC, I threw him out, we reconciled, did counselling, and we got married a year after it happened.
> 
> ...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

The woman he had an EA with may have "looked" hot but she is a very ugly person on the inside to persue a married man. Your husband chose you twice. Once in the beginning & second after his EA.

Remember good self-esteem comes from accomplisments. You are a mother of 4 children among other things. Looks fade but being a good person does not.

I raised 2 daughters who are beauties. Everyone told them how gorgeous they were, blah, blah, blah. However, when they really lit up is when they won a swim race or got A's on their report cards.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tobio, in truth, you are probably very pretty.

And here's something for you to think on. You are not your husband's usual type. OK.

*Well.... what is it that you have that made your husband abandon all the women of his type and go after you?*

Whatever it is you have that made him do that, well, that must be something really special, that you have, mustn't it?  :smthumbup:


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Okay, the thing about not being his type... It is not something that has been brought up after his EA. Before, though, it is something we talked about. He very clearly had a "type", which was petite brunettes with bobbed hair. I am brunette, kind of, but that's it. His EA partner? Yep, a petite brunette with a bob. And he didn't "affair down" either. She is pretty. And fit.

He does compliment me from time to time. Now and again I get "you look nice" if I maybe wear a new dress or make a particular effort. I should say I have always made an effort as I never wanted to be a frumpy mum. This compliment I think is something he says because he feels like he should IYKWIM. He also from time to time gets this funny look in his eyes and says, "you're quite pretty, aren't you?" Almost like he forgot or something :scratchhead:

I think we are at the point where he takes on board things I may suggest that I would like that help. But there is rarely anything off his own back.

He doesn't treat me badly. He is good. I feel I am good to him. I suppose I am looking for something from him that says he just thinks I'm fabulous. He says he thinks all these things, he just doesn't SAY them. So I am supposed to know he thinks I'm hot/pretty/amazing/whatever it is he actually IS thinking, without him actually TELLING me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, you are darker haired and not petite? (Not keen on petite, me...)

That sounds remarkably cute to me!

Your husband could just be an idiot, couldn't he? (I can say this, as I am a man and know that I can be an idiot, too. Just ask my wife for verification of that fact!)


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## EddyHruby (Sep 3, 2012)

You say he jokes you are not his type.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

He probably adores you much more than you think. MY wife is not my TYPE either (physically). If I didnt know her and I had to choose a mate on looks alone out of a lineup of 100 girls, I probably wouldnt choose her. She is VERY pretty (yes, very 26 yrs, looks 19)) but overweight and not petitely framed (not outrageously). Her body is not ideal but it matters not to me. I have not and will not cheat on her. I love her so much but sometimes that isnt enough to resolve her own insecurities. I do my best. I grab her and molest her randomly haha. she likes it. I tell her how hot I think she is. I make love to her passionately. 

These are things your husband can do and I get the impression he may be doing these things. But you cant control that. You should keep exercising and eating healthy. Exercise harder maybe. swimming is great for calorie burning. Just being in this type of routine should help your psyche. Dont worry ur not alone in this boat. Im getting less athletic and soft.. its affecting me too. I am starting to work out and its helped. 

If changing physically doesnt help then perhaps there are unresolved issues that you need to iron out regarding your husband's EA, perhaps with the help of a MC.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

HappyHubby said:


> He probably adores you much more than you think. MY wife is not my TYPE either (physically). If I didnt know her and I had to choose a mate on looks alone out of a lineup of 100 girls, I probably wouldnt choose her. She is VERY pretty (yes, very 26 yrs, looks 19)) but overweight and not petitely framed (not outrageously). Her body is not ideal but it matters not to me. I have not and will not cheat on her. I love her so much but sometimes that isnt enough to resolve her own insecurities. I do my best. I grab her and molest her randomly haha. she likes it. I tell her how hot I think she is. I make love to her passionately.
> 
> These are things your husband can do and I get the impression he may be doing these things. But you cant control that. You should keep exercising and eating healthy. Exercise harder maybe. swimming is great for calorie burning. Just being in this type of routine should help your psyche. Dont worry ur not alone in this boat. Im getting less athletic and soft.. its affecting me too. I am starting to work out and its helped.
> 
> If changing physically doesnt help then perhaps there are unresolved issues that you need to iron out regarding your husband's EA, perhaps with the help of a MC.


Ah I wish my husband would tell me I looked hot! The thing is I know if I stopped making an effort he'd comment. He's always loved that I don't look "mumsy" and that I look young and dress it (not that I am "old" just yet!)

I am actually in better shape now than I ever have been. My belly isn't perfect but then again that is from having four children. Otherwise everything is good. I can work on the belly but the thing is I could hit the gym hard, get that athletic bod, get my hair cut and coloured and I know I'd STILL feel inferior. Because I know what he did when faced with her and that was consider throwing it all away. I still wonder now if he's only here because of our littlies, he adores them and feels guilty about having nearly broken up their family.

I just don't know HOW to feel better about myself. I don't know if it comes from him, me or both.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think it's vitally important for people to feel desired and like they are the most attractive person in the world to their partner.

Your husband is robbing you of this, and IMO there is something wrong with him, that he doesn't give this to you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You have a need that's not being met.

Unmet needs lead to resentment & frustration.

Maybe a talk with your husband will resolve this?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

tobio said:


> Okay, the thing about not being his type... It is not something that has been brought up after his EA. Before, though, it is something we talked about. He very clearly had a "type", which was petite brunettes with bobbed hair. I am brunette, kind of, but that's it. His EA partner? Yep, a petite brunette with a bob. And he didn't "affair down" either. She is pretty. And fit.
> 
> He does compliment me from time to time. Now and again I get "you look nice" if I maybe wear a new dress or make a particular effort. I should say I have always made an effort as I never wanted to be a frumpy mum. This compliment I think is something he says because he feels like he should IYKWIM. He also from time to time gets this funny look in his eyes and says, "you're quite pretty, aren't you?" Almost like he forgot or something :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


Pschiatrists will tell you that a man or a woman that has a specific type they are attracted to typically have issues. 

It may stem from someone who jilted them as a teenager, or perhaps they look like a parent.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

His indiscretion is only indicative of his pisspoor character and has nothing to do with your looks. An unfaithful, undependable, unreliable louse is the same louse no matter who they happen to be hooked up with. Some of the most gorgeous women on earth have been cheated on. The problem has more to do with what's between his ears than what's on your thighs.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

You need to stop looking to your husband for validation. 

Now, I know that sounds weird, because he is your husband, and a spouse is the person closest to us, our mirror, so to speak. But you're reconciled with a cheater, and so you need to be your own best friend first. Your self esteem needs to come from YOU. 

When we look to other people to validate us, we're never going to be okay (and that's how a lot of cheaters begin -- looking to other folks to give them an ego boost.) It's not enough and people are fickle or you're just not going to be their cup of tea sometimes, so this is a shaky place to get your self worth from -- other people. 

Spouses are supposed to be different. Your safe haven, the person who loves you unreservedly. 

I think your husband needs to totally up his game in that department. I would tell him (go read Love Languages or something as a conversation starter) and tell him you could really use some words of affirmation. And see what he does. If he's withholding and kind of an ass, well, that tells you a lot about how committed he is to fixing the marriage. Perhaps THAT is what you're insecure about, and not your figure. 

But whether or not he thinks you're hot (and of course, he should, and of course, I'm sure you are) -- YOU need to think you're hot. You need to be okay with you. 

It sounds like you're doing good things for yourself. What else do you think you can do for yourself that would help? Invest in yourself. 

If you give your husband ALL YOUR POWER about how you feel about yourself, you've lost control of your self esteem. It will go up and down according to his index, and that is no way to live.

Internalize that you are the bomb. He should be dancing to YOUR tune to keep the awesome person that is YOU. 

Go listen to Jill Scott's "Shame" ("I'm the MAGNIFICENT... say what, say what... I'm the MAGNIFICENT.. say what!")


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

tobio said:


> Ah I wish my husband would tell me I looked hot! The thing is I know if I stopped making an effort he'd comment. He's always loved that I don't look "mumsy" and that I look young and dress it (not that I am "old" just yet!)
> 
> I am actually in better shape now than I ever have been. My belly isn't perfect but then again that is from having four children. Otherwise everything is good. I can work on the belly but the thing is I could hit the gym hard, get that athletic bod, get my hair cut and coloured and I know I'd STILL feel inferior. Because I know what he did when faced with her and that was consider throwing it all away. I still wonder now if he's only here because of our littlies, he adores them and feels guilty about having nearly broken up their family.
> 
> I just don't know HOW to feel better about myself. I don't know if it comes from him, me or both.


I kind of think that alot of it has to come from you. I think you have to continue to work out as well as do other things that interest you mentally. I know for myself I feel the best about myself when I am working out with a good sweat or when I am studying (I am working towards a degree part time).

I totally hear you about the self esteem thing though...my H's EA was with an asian lady so now if I see an attractive asian lady it bugs the hell out of me..and makes me think is he thinking I would rather be with her than my wife.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you believe you're sexy, you are. Most of that has to do with confidence. Your confidence has naturally taken a hit. That's the problem with letting others dictate our self-image. Everybody was created in the image of God. We all have tremendous value.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Thank you all. I really want to reiterate that I don't base my self-worth and esteem entirely on what he thinks or how he acts. I said earlier that if I were suddenly single, I'd feel confident that I'd be a good catch both looks-wise and my personality. In and of myself, like as just "me" and not half of a married couple, I feel fine about myself and how I look. It is entirely to do with how he has acted and therefore how he communicates he feels about me. Or doesn't communicate I suppose.

I'm not mental - I just want to know my husband desires me after his EA. Simple as that. I need to hear it and to see it. More than I ever did before. And probably the less he does it, the more I worry. Yes, as he once said, he's here isn't he? But that alone isn't enough. I worry that he way I feel about him is not how he feels about me. I look at him and think he is gorgeous. He never is not to me. I don't know what he thinks about me. If he doesn't feel that desire for me I'd be devastated.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Of course your self-esteem took a hit with his EA - normal.

Did you feel the desire from him before his EA? Has his behavior towards you (desire, compliments) changed (less) after his EA? or (& you have every right as a BS) are you expecting more compliments because of his EA?

Do you think he still has feelings for his AP?

I know you are in so much pain because of his EA. You need more than he is giving you but I do want to say & I mean no disrespect that too much "neediness" (not that you have but something to think about) is not attractive.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> Yes, as he once said, he's here isn't he?



GrrRRrrrrrrr.

I hate that. "I'm still here" is one of the stupider things cheaters say. Like it's a GIFT they're giving you -- ta da! I'm still here! I'd like a gold star for commitment. 

No. The gold star should go to YOU for still being there after he disrespected you with an EA. (Are you sure it's not more than an EA, because "I'm still here" is cheater think.) 

I'm still here means -- I like cake. Ugh. I HATE "I'm still here." Super offensive. 

It tells me he doesn't get that his lovely presence is NOT ENOUGH. He needs to do the work. What's he doing to make things right with you? What's he doing to reassure you? Have you told him you need words of affirmation and compliments? Can you have an honest conversation like you've had here? What happens when you do that?

Does he get his hackles up? Does he perceive you as needy or demanding? 

You have four children, your energy is going to four children. You need some bolstering on the best of days. What's he DOING?

"I'm still here" (read: aren't you GRATEFUL) really pisses me off for you.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Emerald said:


> Of course your self-esteem took a hit with his EA - normal.
> 
> Did you feel the desire from him before his EA? Has his behavior towards you (desire, compliments) changed (less) after his EA? or (& you have every right as a BS) are you expecting more compliments because of his EA?
> 
> ...


Right before his EA we were having difficulties as I needed more affection from him that he was reluctant to give. It was a very sore point for me as he was verging on "offensively" unaffectionate - by that I mean something he'd do as an example would be when I would hug him - he'd hold my shoulders and push me to arms length away from him, and ask, "what are you doing?" It was incredibly hurtful. So the time right before wasn't great.

After? Well yes I expect more. Reassurance I suppose. He does say things like I am too good for him. He always said he was happy with me and would never change anything about me. That he doesn't know why I stick around.

I don't think he has any feelings for his AP. I think once he snapped out of the fog and realised the whole dynamics of what happened, he realised she wasn't that great actually. I know there was a connection there; me and him are very different and as well as her looks, she was much closer by way of interests and lifestyle as well. That also gets me.



chumplady said:


> GrrRRrrrrrrr.
> 
> I hate that. "I'm still here" is one of the stupider things cheaters say. Like it's a GIFT they're giving you -- ta da! I'm still here! I'd like a gold star for commitment.
> 
> ...


Yeah. In fairness it was right back last year when he said that. The counsellor said it too: ie there are plenty of WSs who DO choose to leave, he could have done but didn't. So that means something I suppose was the point.

He knows what I need because I have told him many times. His reasoning is that we just think differently. He doesn't always remember 

He generally recoils a little if I bring it up. A little defensive but he does listen. He just doesn't really implement it that much. He really does think that because he says he DOES think all these nice things about me, that I am supposed to somehow KNOW. Without him actually telling me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Emotions and insecurity are hard to overcome after stuff like this. I hope you can learn to hold your self and everyone else around you accountable. Realize that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. We all have to take up for ourselves when we feel put down even though it's REALLY HARD to when your confidence has been shaken by infidelity.

Love your self and don't feel like it's okay to be treated in any way that you do not treat other people.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tobio said:


> Thank you all. I really want to reiterate that I don't base my self-worth and esteem entirely on what he thinks or how he acts. I said earlier that if I were suddenly single, I'd feel confident that I'd be a good catch both looks-wise and my personality. In and of myself, like as just "me" and not half of a married couple, I feel fine about myself and how I look. It is entirely to do with how he has acted and therefore how he communicates he feels about me. Or doesn't communicate I suppose.
> 
> I'm not mental - I just want to know my husband desires me after his EA. Simple as that. I need to hear it and to see it. More than I ever did before. And probably the less he does it, the more I worry. Yes, as he once said, he's here isn't he? But that alone isn't enough. I worry that he way I feel about him is not how he feels about me. I look at him and think he is gorgeous. He never is not to me. I don't know what he thinks about me. If he doesn't feel that desire for me I'd be devastated.


I had the same problems of self-worth after my wife had her PA. Which sort of led to my PA. After all, I was safe from that kind of thing, as my wife had very *honestly told me that I was not attractive, right? Wrong, as I found out when it all went to hell and I had my almost but not quite PA.

(*My wife has Asperger's and can say the most horrendous things, but she never means anything bad by them. Though I have learned to challenge her on the most hurtful ones.)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The position of "husband" requires considerably more than merely occupying space. A throw pillow does that much.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm liking your husband less and less the more I read.



> He really does think that because he says he DOES think all these nice things about me, that I am supposed to somehow KNOW. Without him actually telling me.


Your husband is passive aggressive. The withholding, the lack of affection, the "forgetting," the not making small things a priority when you ASK, the expecting you to read his mind -- this is all text book. 

Google passive aggressive man, or read on Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support under 100 traits of personality disorders on passive aggressive. 

It's a real problem. It's totally crazy making. I urge you to get counseling for yourself. 

Your requests on him are absolutely valid, and he is NOT behaving in the manner of a loving, remorseful spouse.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

What do you think is the source of your husband's resistance? You know him and yourself best. Is he insecure and putting up a wall? Is he harbouring anger or resentment towards you for something you have done or do continually? i.e. do you generally speak down to him? criticize constantly? If so, he would be not as willing to trust you emotionally and would therefore be very hesitant to let down his guard. Did an ex treat him as such in the past? 

If not, what do you think? You know him and yourself best. This is anonymous, may as well be perfectly honest and introspective.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are just miserable souls on this earth who can't stand the prospect of anyone else having a little peace and joy. If you let them know what you need from them, they'll walk a thousand miles out of their way to make sure you don't even accidently get it. The closest they get to happiness is watching others squirm.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't think he is passive-aggressive. Quite the opposite - he is honest and blunt to the point of being upsetting sometimes but I like that because I know he is being truthful.

I genuinely believe that we think differently. I think these issues are at the forefront of my mind a lot, and they just aren't for him. He will think about whatever is in front of him at the time, or what practical things he needs to do that day. From what he's said I don't think he spends much time pontificating on the dynamics of relationships. He'll think about it if I bring it up but otherwise, not really.

I think he believes the fact that we are here, together, speaks for all the things I ask him. And I don't mean that by way of him being deliberately withholding. He really does think that is enough.

He also makes one compliment last for months. Like if I do bring this up, he'll counter with, "well I told you you looked nice in that dress on such-and-such a day," which is perfectly true, but would be like a month ago.

Nevermind


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I remembered something which may or may not be pertinent.

When I have approached him about this, a few times he has countered with saying that I never tell him such things about himself. 

I do, and show him, but admittedly not as frequently as I used to before his EA. I have ever since been in a quandry over this issue.

It is fair to say I am the more affectionate and demonstrative partner. I am naturally affectionate and flirty with him. It's not something I've had to make an effort with, it's just "me." It's not difficult because I find him very attractive.

For sure I reined this in since his EA. He said I built him up, I boosted his self-esteem and ego by being like this. Because of me, he felt good about himself for the first time. So when the OW came along, and started showering him with attention, he was getting double the ego boost. He lapped it up.

Because of this I stepped back from the compliments and attention over a period of time after the EA. I felt that things were way too unbalanced, and I suppose that on some level I felt that continuing to give him such attention was in a way rewarding him, ie he goes off and has an EA, comes back and I continue as I was, no consequences for him.

Maybe in my head me asking such things of him is not just to boost my self-esteem, but a way of him showing investment in mending what was broken. He feels terribly guilty, but often I think this is shame, like he failed to be the person he thought he was, rather than a compassionate feeling directed at what effect his actions had on me.

Is he right to be asking the same of me, ie for me to bolster HIS ego again?


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## margrace (Aug 12, 2012)

tobio, i am with you on so much of this. you have given me an opportunity to think through a lot of things. i am dealing with some physical insecurities now as well. i was never the beautiful, pageant queen girl. i was always the okay-looking girl with good grades  but i was comfortable with myself, and my fWH did make me feel that he considered me to be beautiful.

we allowed our marriage to drift into a desert-like zone, and neither of us had the insight/courage to confront our unhappiness. he selfishly coped by cheating with someone much younger (but not until after many years in the desert).

part of my new insecurity is related to the age issue. of course, being a woman who is aging is not always easy for any woman in any marriage. we all know that we are surrounded by messages that tell us that we should be doing every expensive, surgical, magical thing that we possibly can to avoid looking our age (in addition to be being super-skinny triathletes wearing sexy underwear, etc).

i have felt twinges of all this before, but now i see every line on my face magnified in the mirror. i have bought some of those expensive lotions that do nothing for you. i see tired-looking middle-aged women on the street and i think, is that me? i see young women on the street and i think, oh, i can never be that again.

in my saddest moments, i think, how can he ever be really happy with me again now that he has been with someone 20 years younger? Even if, before, he accepted me as the aging wife that i am, can he really do that _now_?

(i hate even typing that.)

i already know how messed up this thinking is. i already know how to tell myself not to buy into all this superficial crap -- and in my stronger moments, i don't. but in between the pep talks that i give myself, it is really hard.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My story is similar. I never cheated or had a EA but I really screwed up when my wife was pregnant with our second child. I developed a bad habit with looking at things on the internet ( Facebook, porn, etc). I hurt my wife and it has damaged her self esteem. Since she found my skeltons in the closet we have been going to MC and I own all my misdeeds. All the internet stuff has stopped completely and I concentrate on only my wife. 
I learned from my mistake and wish I could go back and realize the damage I was causing. As a man we are head headed and it takes time to get it. I get it now. Hopefully your husband is willing to change and is ready to love you the way you need him to. Hope everything works out for you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

From reading what you said he was not even your husband yet,he was still your boyfriend,so why did you decide to marry him if you were having strong feeling about him playing around and you comparing yourslef to the other woman.You still had to make the choice to get married months later so you have to let it go now.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

margrace said:


> tobio, i am with you on so much of this. you have given me an opportunity to think through a lot of things. i am dealing with some physical insecurities now as well. i was never the beautiful, pageant queen girl. i was always the okay-looking girl with good grades  but i was comfortable with myself, and my fWH did make me feel that he considered me to be beautiful.
> 
> we allowed our marriage to drift into a desert-like zone, and neither of us had the insight/courage to confront our unhappiness. he selfishly coped by cheating with someone much younger (but not until after many years in the desert).
> 
> ...


As a woman this makes me sad..I think we are hard on ourselves and there is a certain level of competiveness that you do not always see amongst men.

It does affect your self esteem when your spouse cheats on you.

They actually say that women that do better with aging are the ones that have other things going on in their lives..i.e. great career, education, volunteer work, anything that they are passionate about. That is the key. 

My supervisor who is 49 and is currently going thru a divorce made a comment about how she doubted another man would be interested in her again...I thought how silly...you are only 49 not 89. I hate that kind of talk. I mean, yes, you are going to come across guys that age who think they can still get a 25 year old but the majority of guys are going to want a woman around the same age as them...somebody with some life smarts and experience.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

dubbizle said:


> From reading what you said he was not even your husband yet,he was still your boyfriend,so why did you decide to marry him if you were having strong feeling about him playing around and you comparing yourslef to the other woman.You still had to make the choice to get married months later so you have to let it go now.


Recovery for me comes in waves. I can go for a while thinking very logically and rationally and reasoning things out. Then for a while I will feel more emotional. I suppose that's like saying there's ups and downs.

My rational thoughts are thus. We were living as if married. For all intents and purposes we were married but without the piece of paper if you like. Here in the UK we don't have common law spouses so practically it isn't the same and for me it shows a higher level of commitment than "just" living together.

I realised I could leave. But I also realised my issues wouldn't just disappear if he did. I'd still feel the same and I'd be breaking up the family. Yes it hurts but I do love him and I know he feels incredibly bad over what he did. I feel that he was really slack in his boundaries and letting another woman get so close but I do feel that he has learned from that. I can see he "gets" it now and I feel as sure as I can that it wouldn't happen again. Had it been that more happened behind my back or it went physical, I know I couldn't have reconciled but I felt we had something to work with.

margrace I totally get you. If you don't mind me saying I think you may be a little older than me  but I am at the stage where I am looking around, seeing my husband looking at pretty quite-a-bit-younger ladies and seeing my first lines and my four-baby belly (it's not too bad but it's not like the girls' that we saw yesterday walking down the road with her cropped summer top on that he craned his neck to look at.)

Ironically the woman he had the EA with was a few years older than me, but child-free and very toned and athletic. He says she wasn't "that" nice and I am "way fitter" but I know consolatory talk when I hear it - I know him and I know he didn't look across the room at her when they first met and thought, "oh what a nice personality"


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