# Awkward Sex



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Do do you handle awkward sex?

When sex is expected, but there has been no build up, no warm up, no flirting beforehand, and no passion. 

How do you start lighting the fire?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

A quickie has no build up, no warm up, no flirting beforehand - but plenty of passion. It's not our typical approach, though - just occasionally when the mood strikes. We both like it as much as the times that involve more build up (not that it ever takes much to get us going!).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How you handle it is by expressing your needs. You stop in the middle of everything and say "I'm not feeling it...let's go back to making out on the couch or have a glass of wine and talk a bit". Then you try again. You set your own intention on getting in the mood and you take charge of making that happen. If your partner doesn't do what you need them to naturally, you tell them specifically what is going on with you and what you'd like to try to fix it (they cannot read your mind). You ask them how they are feeling, too. If they aren't feeling awkward and you are, you don't project all your stuff on them. If you are both feeling awkward then you have both contributed to the disconnect. 

If you can't openly discuss the things that make you feel awkward versus the things that make you feel hot, then how can you get out of the awkward phase?


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Does this "awkward sex" happen frequently/mostly for you two? Or are you wondering about how to handle occasional time when you've had no foreplay or just aren't into it with him?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Lila said:


> I don't think this is your intent, but the bolded sentence seems to describe duty sex. Are you asking how to turn duty sex to willing sex? :scratchhead:
> 
> Could you give an example of what you mean?


Not duty sex. More responsive desire.

An example would be a spouse saying "do you want to have sex?" While you are both watching tv. You say sure, so you've both agreed to have sex, but your basically cold starting, because there has not been any kissing, or anything sexual happening before to indicate desire. 

How do you go from there to passionate sex?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

light the candles, turn on the music ... or

go hop in the shower and extend the invitation ORRRR

drop your knickers turn your hiney to him and invite him to spank you right there... lol

OR... invite him to massage you in the nude

Or just start massaging him til he's nude

Or just straddle him all of a sudden

pick a funny spot in the house and get him to meet you there... 

or just bend over the foot stool and tell him to HAVE AT IT HOSS... lol

Ok, I'll stop...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> How do you go from there to passionate sex?


If one of us says "I want you NOW!" it's enough to get us going ... NOW! I suppose that's the responsive desire thing.

"Do you want to have sex?" implies there will be plenty of foreplay to heat things up.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

tryagain13 said:


> Does this "awkward sex" happen frequently/mostly for you two? Or are you wondering about how to handle occasional time when you've had no foreplay or just aren't into it with him?


It happens more often than not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> An example would be a spouse saying "do you want to have sex?" While you are both watching tv. You say sure, so you've both agreed to have sex, but your basically cold starting, because there has not been any kissing, or anything sexual happening before to indicate desire.
> 
> How do you go from there to passionate sex?


In this case, we would go from the couch to hit the shower (separately), then one of us would set up the bedroom (get the towels out, etc), then we'd both get something sexy on (sexy undies, at least), then we'd meet in the bedroom...and start making out. We might make out and grope each other and mash for half an hour before even starting to touch under the panties. Sometimes we use this foreplay time to be very playful, like I will do a tease-dance (or he will!) or we might wrestle or I might do a twerk session for him while backing up and rubbing on him. Whatever seems fun in the moment.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> light the candles, turn on the music ... or
> 
> go hop in the shower and extend the invitation ORRRR
> 
> drop your knickers turn your hiney to him and invite him to spank you right there... lol


Your post made me laugh. 

The shower invitation is the go to, but even that is loosing it's luster. Besides the fact that it usually isn't accepted.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Not duty sex. More responsive desire.
> 
> An example would be a spouse saying "do you want to have sex?" While you are both watching tv. You say sure, so you've both agreed to have sex, but your basically cold starting, because there has not been any kissing, or anything sexual happening before to indicate desire.
> 
> How do you go from there to passionate sex?


you've described 70% of our sex life except the awkward part
my wife doesnt need much priming though, the fact that she orgasms 98% of the time helps


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Go get in the shower, get all wet, then run into the other room with a wet towel and smack HIS a$$ for not accepting... hee hee

then challenge him to catch you wet and slippery... LOL

If that didnt work and he was still that cold, I think I would get my best toy and do myself in front of him... just for me.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> In this case, we would go from the couch to hit the shower (separately), then one of us would set up the bedroom (get the towels out, etc), then we'd both get something sexy on (sexy undies, at least), then we'd meet in the bedroom...and start making out. We might make out and grope each other and mash for half an hour before even starting to touch under the panties. Sometimes we use this foreplay time to be very playful, like I will do a tease-dance (or he will!) or we might wrestle or I might do a twerk session for him while backing up and rubbing on him. Whatever seems fun in the moment.


Thanks! This is what we do. But if for some reason I'm not super excited, or already in the mood, it seems to fail. 

Our kissing/mashing is a LOT shorter though. Maybe that is the problem. He likes to rush straight for the panties. I always tell him to wait, and/or slow down. But he just says, "I'm just getting her warmed up."


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> you've described 70% of our sex life except the awkward part
> my wife doesnt need much priming though, the fact that she orgasms 98% of the time helps


Honestly I don't need much priming either, but it would be nice. 

I would prefer the build up and the flirting.


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## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Not duty sex. More responsive desire.
> 
> An example would be a spouse saying "do you want to have sex?" While you are both watching tv. You say sure, so you've both agreed to have sex, but your basically cold starting, because there has not been any kissing, or anything sexual happening before to indicate desire.
> 
> How do you go from there to passionate sex?


Maybe you two could talk about this. Rather than saying "hey, you wanna have sex?" and agreeing to, maybe you could SHOW that you want to. Instead of just blurting it out and trying to jump into it, do start kissing or touching. Ask for a back rub (but take your shirt off first), say "I'm going to shower", but undress in the living room first. By touching or taking action, you should be able to ignite some passion. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

CW, do you think the disconnect is primarily physical or emotional? Is it a matter of he's not taking the time to get you physically aroused, or is there just no spark between you emotionally?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Thanks! This is what we do. But if for some reason I'm not super excited, or already in the mood, it seems to fail.
> 
> Our kissing/mashing is a LOT shorter though. Maybe that is the problem. He likes to rush straight for the panties. I always tell him to wait, and/or slow down. But he just says, "I'm just getting her warmed up."



Oh I would have to play with that drive...

I would make that "off limits" to him, redirect and make him wait to touch her until it drove him nuts


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

tryagain13 said:


> Maybe you two could talk about this. Rather than saying "hey, you wanna have sex?" and agreeing to, maybe you could SHOW that you want to. Instead of just blurting it out and trying to jump into it, do start kissing or touching. Ask for a back rub (but take your shirt off first), say "I'm going to shower", but undress in the living room first. By touching or taking action, you should be able to ignite some passion. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.


We try the back rubs, they are another part of our routine. But they aren't sexual and just leave me feeling sleepy. 

Talking has been done.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Oh I would have to play with that drive...
> 
> I would make that "off limits" to him, redirect and make him wait to touch her until it drove him nuts


I'm not so sure that it is his drive to touch her. I think it's more along the lines of, lets hurry up and get this thing started, because it's easy and a "failproof" method of getting me to orgasm.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Definitely start different...


have you dropped his drawers and played with everything BUT his..... until he was begging you to jump him?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> CW, do you think the disconnect is primarily physical or emotional? Is it a matter of he's not taking the time to get you physically aroused, or is there just no spark between you emotionally?


I'm not sure Fozzy. 

He doesn't take the time to get me physically aroused. But there is also a definite disconnect emotionally too.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm not so sure that it is his drive to touch her. I think it's more along the lines of, lets hurry up and get this thing started, because it's easy and a "failproof" method of getting me to orgasm.



ahhh you are hungry for the emotional connection... y'all are in a rut emotionally


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Definitely start different...
> 
> 
> have you dropped his drawers and played with everything BUT his..... until he was begging you to jump him?


Yes. But he doesn't beg. He will just take my hand and guide me where he wants. I do find that hot. Hmm. Maybe I will have to explore this some more.

Love the ideas. Keep them coming!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How much do y'all get out and do things?

Especially new things?

OR what hobbies do you two have individually


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> How much do y'all get out and do things?
> 
> Especially new things?
> 
> OR what hobbies do you two have individually


We are both super busy. I wouldn't say a lot of new things though.

We each have individual hobbies. Although him more so than me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes. But he doesn't beg. He will just take my hand and guide me where he wants. I do find that hot. Hmm. Maybe I will have to explore this some more.
> 
> Love the ideas. Keep them coming!


I wouldn't let him guide you where he wants 

if the same ole same ole isn't getting it... turn it upside down, shake, rattle and roll it.

Do what he totally doesn't expect


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> We are both super busy. I wouldn't say a lot of new things though.
> 
> We each have individual hobbies. Although him more so than me.


Can y'all change the super busy and carve out some down time?

Something new has to come into the mix.. aerate the stagnant


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Honestly I don't need much priming either, but it would be nice.
> 
> I would prefer the build up and the flirting.


You're going to have to steer this ship, CW. You are the one who is much more sexual than he is. You will have to do the build up and flirting and teasing, yourself. By doing that earnestly, you should be turning yourself on by the behaviors and acts you do (and then by feeling his reactions). 

It really isn't the man's "job" to turn on the woman, nor vice versa. If you aren't getting what you would like in the form of teasing and flirting, then be a tease and a flirt. When he tries to go for the goods immediately instead of allowing things to build, you have to tell him no, I'm wanting the build up, honey, so help me with this fun ride. If he protests to "get to the good stuff" you tell him again, "but that isn't what I need right now". 

Talking about sexual needs is the only way to get them met. You must be FEARLESS in getting your own needs met.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Can y'all change the super busy and carve out some down time?
> 
> Something new has to come into the mix.. aerate the stagnant


We do have some down time in the evenings. But he usually just falls asleep early.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Exhaustion isn't going to fuel healthy emotional connection. He needs a good lifestyle change to protect your sexual time and emotional connection.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> You're going to have to steer this ship, CW. You are the one who is much more sexual than he is. You will have to do the build up and flirting and teasing, yourself. By doing that earnestly, you should be turning yourself on by the behaviors and acts you do (and then by feeling his reactions).
> 
> It really isn't the man's "job" to turn on the woman, nor vice versa. If you aren't getting what you would like in the form of teasing and flirting, then be a tease and a flirt. When he tries to go for the goods immediately instead of allowing things to build, you have to tell him no, I'm wanting the build up, honey, so help me with this fun ride. If he protests to "get to the good stuff" you tell him again, "but that isn't what I need right now".
> 
> Talking about sexual needs is the only way to get them met. You must be FEARLESS in getting your own needs met.


I know this is one of my biggest problems. 

I'm actually a more submissive sexual person. I'd prefer him to take charge, initiate, flirt... And I know that he won't. I try to instruct him in what I want, but it's futile. But yet, I still hope for him to be aggressive and dominate. That is on me for trying to get blood out of the rock.

Also I am afraid of overly flirting, or teasing. He doesn't like it. And he laughs and/or rebuffs me. I'm not good at handling that.

I can be more assertive about telling him no when he rushes things though.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Exhaustion isn't going to fuel healthy emotional connection. He needs a good lifestyle change to protect your sexual time and emotional connection.


I guess I should change my previous statement.

I am the one who is super busy and exhausted. 

He has down time most evenings, he isn't falling asleep because he needs the sleep. He just always falls asleep. (Doctor is looking into it)


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Assertive in this type situation will just end up shutting him down eventually. He needs to be inspired to change, not forced to. When his heart is lit, the aggressive hunger and domination you hunger for comes effortlessly.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Also I am afraid of overly flirting, or teasing. He doesn't like it. And he laughs and/or rebuffs me. I'm not good at handling that.
> 
> I can be more assertive about telling him no when he rushes things though.


Then be more assertive by making HIM dance and tease YOU. He might giggle and act coy, but I bet if you make him feel like the center of a Chippendale show-for-one, he might come out of his shell a little. (Note that I said "out of his shell a little"...I'm not saying he's going to become a more sexual person).

You are both young and inexperienced and it isn't that unusual to feel awkward...especially for him. Try to remember that when he laughs or rebuffs you it is because he's clueless and immature. Believe it or not, but he will mature and stuff like this will change over time. He may not become more sexual, but he will become less boyish. If it helps you, I remember lots of young men being this way when I was young. Here I was trying to strut my sh*t for them, and they'd be blushing in a corner. Yes, that makes you want to shut down, but just don't let it. Be a sexy goddess autonomously. You don't need validation to be one. You will learn this type of skill if you apply yourself.

I hear ya about wanting a take charge man, but you didn't marry a man like that. I know you are understanding that now. So learning how to get your needs met without that piece will be YOUR challenge, not his.

His needs are already met, so it is on you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I guess I should change my previous statement.
> 
> I am the one who is super busy and exhausted.
> 
> He has down time most evenings, he isn't falling asleep because he needs the sleep. He just always falls asleep. (Doctor is looking into it)


What time does he get up and go to bed?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I have no idea how to light his heart, and nothing comes effortlessly with him.

Sorry we got off track. Just wondering how other people get sex started. It seems like if the passion just isn't there, it's hard to build it yourself.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Assertive in this type situation will just end up shutting him down eventually. He needs to be inspired to change, not forced to. When his heart is lit, the aggressive hunger and domination you hunger for comes effortlessly.


Um, no...I really doubt that will ever come out of this particular man. Men are not all the same.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Then be more assertive by making HIM dance and tease YOU. He might giggle and act coy, but I bet if you make him feel like the center of a Chippendale show-for-one, he might come out of his shell a little.
> 
> You are both young and inexperienced and it isn't that unusual to feel awkward...especially for him. Try to remember that when he laughs or rebuffs you it is because he's clueless and immature. Believe it or not, but he will mature and stuff like this will change over time. He may not become more sexual, but he will become less boyish. If it helps you, I remember lots of young men being this way when I was young. Here I was trying to strut my sh*t for them, and they'd be blushing in a corner. Yes, that makes you want to shut down, but just don't let it. Be a sexy goddess autonomously. You don't need validation to be one. You will learn this type of skill if you apply yourself.
> 
> ...


How do I make him tease me? 

And I agree I lack some self validation.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What time does he get up and go to bed?


It depends. He usually just falls asleep on the couch around 8:30-9:30. Then when I get up and go to bed around 11pm I make him get up and come with me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I love that faithful wife pointed out that men do evolve in maturity, so this is just a season that will require patience and creativity. 

I think a modified 180 would potentially "wake him up" if he is not mature enough to accept your teasing.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have you tried positive reinforcement. That's seems to work a lot of times. 

For example. Holy **** baby when you do this thing with you tounge I shudder inside. 

Anything like that?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> It depends. He usually just falls asleep on the couch around 8:30-9:30. Then when I get up and go to bed around 11pm I make him get up and come with me.


What time is he up in the morning


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> How do I make him tease me?
> 
> And I agree I lack some self validation.


Here's a cute video you could share with him and tell him you'd love this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7RTxxQ2hxE

I like this video because the guy isn't some stacked dude, he's just an average cute guy. The couple look like they are down for some fun but they aren't all eroticized. This is how it really looks for most people, and yet it can be so fun.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Have you tried positive reinforcement. That's seems to work a lot of times.
> 
> For example. Holy **** baby when you do this thing with you tounge I shudder inside.
> 
> Anything like that?


I do lots of positive reinforcement and compliments. He isn't very good at receiving them. He usually laughs them off, makes a joke, or doesn't believe me.

But I will make sure to continue saying positive things when he does things I like.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What time is he up in the morning


6:30


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That's too bad. why wouldn't he believe you??

Nothing sexier than when a woman sincerely compliments a mans sexual prowess. Maybe sex is a bit of a taboo subject for him or maybe he is a bit selfish ?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

What lit his fire when yall first met? Was he agressively hungry then?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Just wondering how other people get sex started. It seems like if the passion just isn't there, it's hard to build it yourself.


The passion/lust used to be there all the time, so it took no effort to get things going. Getting older, with declining hormones becoming a problem, makes it a much greater challenge to get things started.

So, when the natural hormone-driven desire is lacking, you have to compensate by *developing a habit *of initiating sex, and thinking/remembering to initiate sex. We know it's important to both of us, so we make this effort. Once either of us does that, we know the results will be great, so the other willingly goes along. We're never disappointed, even if we didn't really _feel _like it at first.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> That's too bad. why wouldn't he believe you??
> 
> Nothing sexier than when a woman sincerely compliments a mans sexual prowess. Maybe sex is a bit of a taboo subject for him or maybe he is a bit selfish ?


It's not just sexual compliments. If I say he did a good job cooking he will joke or say, "uh huh, sure." I just don't think he is very good at taking compliments. So I'm not sure if they sink in or not.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What lit his fire when yall first met? Was he agressively hungry then?


No not really. That is a whole other issue that is greatly detailed in my other thread.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> The passion/lust used to be there all the time, so it took no effort to get things going. Getting older, with declining hormones becoming a problem, makes it a much greater challenge to get things started.
> 
> So, when the natural hormone-driven desire is lacking, you have to compensate by *developing a habit *of initiating sex, and thinking/remembering to initiate sex. We know it's important to both of us, so we make this effort. Once either of us does that, we know the results will be great, so the other willingly goes along. We're never disappointed, even if we didn't really _feel _like it at first.


I understand the habit of initiating. What I have trouble is where to go once sex has been initiated. Especially if the initiation wasn't exactly sexy. How do you get the passion started?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

"He said he wanted to be the pursuer. He said sex was no fun because anytime he'd offer it I'd jump right on the bandwagon, and he didn't have to work for it."

this was in your other thread... this confirms my hunch about the 180 and do the 180 for you... not to wake him up.. but his waking up will be as a result of it. you need to find personal validation within yourself. He is feeling the pressure of you finding it from him and its shutting him down. When you carry your own emotional weight, it opens up space for your H to move around in and when he realizes all of a sudden he has more space and he sees his wife across the way who all of a sudden seems to be radiant in a different way... hmmmm... I must pursue and see what treasure lies there.. 

see it? 

When you are trying to find your validation from your H, there is a weight to that square on his shoulders that doesn't belong there and it kills sex drive, big or small. He finds fun in the pursuit... fun is what make the effort to orgasm seem less like work.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I understand the habit of initiating. What I have trouble is where to go once sex has been initiated. Especially if the initiation wasn't exactly sexy. How do you get the passion started?


Are you saying that foreplay doesn't work, isn't adequate, or doesn't work if the initiation wasn't "sexy" (and not sure how that figures into it, frankly)?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> "He said he wanted to be the pursuer. He said sex was no fun because anytime he'd offer it I'd jump right on the bandwagon, and he didn't have to work for it."
> 
> this was in your other thread... this confirms my hunch about the 180 and do the 180 for you... not to wake him up.. but his waking up will be as a result of it. you need to find personal validation within yourself. He is feeling the pressure of you finding it from him and its shutting him down. When you carry your own emotional weight, it opens up space for your H to move around in and when he realizes all of a sudden he has more space and he sees his wife across the way who all of a sudden seems to be radiant in a different way... hmmmm... I must pursue and see what treasure lies there..
> 
> ...


I'm pretty sure that post was a long time ago. And it was just one of his excuses. 

I have done, and still mostly do the 180. I let him be the pursuer. No change, except I get less rejection because I stopped asking.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

in your gut.... what do you feel is missing


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Are you saying that foreplay doesn't work, isn't adequate, or doesn't work if the initiation wasn't "sexy" (and not sure how that figures into it, frankly)?


Eh. I'm not good with words. :scratchhead:


I'm saying, it's easy to get in the mood and feel the passion while there is sexy banter going on throughout the day, sex is hinted at, or there is some kissing, hugging, or ANY physical contact throughout the day. 

If he walks up and kisses me, and says he wants to go to the bedroom now. That is hot, and not awkward. 

Last night we were watching tv and he fell asleep on the couch, woke up and groggily says, "we can have sex if you want." I proceed to the shower and get cleaned up, when I come back out he is asleep again. We head to the bedroom and he is on the verge of falling back asleep. We snuggle for a bit, and it's quiet. It's awkward to get kissing started, and go from asleep on the couch to hot sex.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> in your gut.... what do you feel is missing


Desire.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I wish MissScarlet would tune in with what she does when the spark isn't there. We have similar problems.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Eh. I'm not good with words. :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> I'm saying, it's easy to get in the mood and feel the passion while there is sexy banter going on throughout the day, sex is hinted at, or there is some kissing, hugging, or ANY physical contact throughout the day.
> ...


hmmm interesting way he asked that... he was either hoping you wouldnt be upset or didn't want it to feel like he was hounding you by putting it on you... either way that question was on you, not on him. I would have said "no, that's ok hon, you just get some rest."

Do the unexpected...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Desire.


from him to you?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh I've had similar issues out of my H in the past.... (regarding your "similar issues" post)

I stopped caring..

stopped looking for my validation from him

stopped looking for him to make me happy

stopped apologizing for who I am

Now he enjoys my space because I'm not stressing about his performance... just happy when he's in it, relish in what I love about him and then move on to my life. Keeps him a bit in pursuit and it makes him happier because he has space to breathe.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmmm interesting way he asked that... he was either hoping you wouldnt be upset or didn't want it to feel like he was hounding you by putting it on you... either way that question was on you, not on him. I would have said "no, that's ok hon, you just get some rest."
> 
> Do the unexpected...


I actually did tell him it was okay to wait until another day. I told him I don't like doing it if he was sleepy. (He falls asleep on me) But then we argued about it, and he pushed to have sex, because he knew we wouldn't get to today.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

So, the only problem is when the interest level is underwhelming of the follow-through is lacking, and these - in your example - were a case of his being too tired and out of it to maintain any momentum. Have I finally understood? 

In that case, the only problem is bad timing, and that can happen to anyone. (If it's a common problem with him, then recognize the signs and decline, I guess!) Maybe have a shower earlier in the evening if that's a necessary prelude for you - then you're ready whenever. If you really want to keep things going when he's sleepy, you're probably going to have to wake him up (slap his butt? lol) and get his interest rekindled somehow (oral is usually a good option).


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> from him to you?


Yes


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Oh I've had similar issues out of my H in the past.... (regarding your "similar issues" post)
> 
> I stopped caring..
> 
> ...



We are working through our issues, but I still just don't know how to handle his initiation style. It doesn't leave me much to work with, when I have to start the passion every time.

By the way I love your Pat Parelli quote. I'm a horse gal, and have gotten to meet him, and also have trained my horses with his style.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Not duty sex. More responsive desire.
> 
> An example would be a spouse saying "do you want to have sex?" While you are both watching tv. You say sure, so you've both agreed to have sex, but your basically cold starting, because there has not been any kissing, or anything sexual happening before to indicate desire.
> 
> How do you go from there to passionate sex?


When this happens and we make our way to the room of choice the juices are already working/flowing. Anticipation is already building. In our case, foreplay is going to happen. It is a large part of our overall intimate time. Can't say we agreed to sex and went at it in two seconds(talking PIV going at it).


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

or just tell him... I know you are insisting on sex right now... but Darlin' I just told you no and you are just going to have to accept that. I am no longer accepting sex when you are half asleep. I love you, but it hurts my heart too much and I'm just not interested in injuring myself by allowing you to do that. When you are rested up and raring to go, let me know... and then move right on with your life sweet girl. You deserve better than lackadaisical effort and attitude. And you can say it sweet and calm assertive, reassure him that you love him and you are not leaving him, but Darlin you do not have to accept that effort. Sorry... but I would not tolerate a man falling asleep ON me during sex. and did you mean like falling asleep on top of you? Is that what you meant? or he falls asleep after he's released but you aren't done yet?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> So, the only problem is when the interest level is underwhelming of the follow-through is lacking, and these - in your example - were a case of his being too tired and out of it to maintain any momentum. Have I finally understood?
> 
> In that case, the only problem is bad timing, and that can happen to anyone. (If it's a common problem with him, then recognize the signs and decline, I guess!) Maybe have a shower earlier in the evening if that's a necessary prelude for you - then you're ready whenever. If you really want to keep things going when he's sleepy, you're probably going to have to wake him up (slap his butt? lol) and get his interest rekindled somehow (oral is usually a good option).


Yes. Timing can help. We try to have sex earlier in the evening before he starts falling asleep. But sadly his initiation technique is still the same. It's hard to get the things going.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

A few ways I can think of to light a fire and make it less awkward is attitude, enthusiasm, and dirty talk. 

However, I no longer have sex I consider awkward. I used to. Especially when my wife's attitude was negative or she just seem disinterested. Even with her talking and moaning, I felt angry she could ever let anyone have sex with her when her mind was somewhere else. Disgusted me and was definitely awkward. Which is why attitude it so important. Dirty talk also helps the other person understand your mind is totally there. Understanding that the moment is still special because you are connecting in a way with a person that no one else can ever connect with. Being inside the person I love is always special (now), no matter what the build up is. My wife enjoys knowing I am inside her and turns any sex into a game of where she wants to keep my semen for the night (mouth, ass, or vagina). Everything changed with attitude and enthusiasm. Dirty talk is just a perk of enthusiasm.




Lila said:


> I don't think this is your intent, but the bolded sentence seems to describe duty sex. Are you asking how to turn duty sex to willing sex? :scratchhead:


You turn duty sex into willing sex by leaving the person that believes in the term duty sex or considers sex a duty.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> We are working through our issues, but I still just don't know how to handle his initiation style. It doesn't leave me much to work with, when I have to start the passion every time.
> 
> By the way I love your Pat Parelli quote. I'm a horse gal, and have gotten to meet him, and also have trained my horses with his style.


Yes, ma'am... have met him several times and Linda (been to Colorado twice during that)... grateful for their system, helped me break away from abuse in my human world.  forever grateful


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> When this happens and we make our way to the room of choice the juices are already working/flowing. Anticipation is already building. In our case, foreplay is going to happen. It is a large part of our overall intimate time. Can't say we agreed to sex and went at it in two seconds(talking PIV going at it).


Right. I am a naturally high drive person. So often I am excited beforehand, which makes it easy to jump right into passionate sex, and help boost his excitement. But if I'm tired, or not feeling well, or we've been arguing, it's hard for me to shoulder trying to get myself warmed up, as well as him. 

I want to be seduced sometimes, instead of always having to seduce.

Oops. We don't go straight to PIV either. We still have foreplay. (kissing, petting) But even that is awkward when there is no sparks going on.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yes. Timing can help. We try to have sex earlier in the evening before he starts falling asleep. But sadly his initiation technique is still the same. It's hard to get the things going.



Ok.. then adjust the delivery of that boundary 


I know you are insisting on starting sex this way... but Darlin' I just told you no and you are just going to have to accept that. I am no longer accepting sex only this way. I love you, but it hurts my heart too much and I'm just not interested in injuring myself by allowing you to do that anymore. When you have learned some new techniques and are raring to go, let me know... I'll be waiting, but until then... got things to do and people to see


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

"It's hard to get things going."

But when you do ... it's going to get things hard.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> But even that is awkward when there is no sparks going on.


He's gotten LAZY LAZY on you girl... and you know what Pat would do... two things... 

1. be provocative

2. and don't be afraid to use that stick side of the carrot stick...

he needs to be respectful, attentive and alert

you are tying your high spirit to his low spirit

you are going to explode doing that too long...

You need to be healthy enough to allow him down time BUT

He also needs to quicken to your pace

possess your own high spirit, find ways to release it (energy management)

but ask him to engage at YOUR level....get provocative and specify your standards without abusing him about it

are ya trackin?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Right. I am a naturally high drive person. So often I am excited beforehand, which makes it easy to jump right into passionate sex, and help boost his excitement. But if I'm tired, or not feeling well, or we've been arguing, it's hard for me to shoulder trying to get myself warmed up, as well as him.
> 
> I want to be seduced sometimes, instead of always having to seduce.
> 
> Oops. We don't go straight to PIV either. We still have foreplay. (kissing, petting) But even that is awkward when there is no sparks going on.


My W and I always can sense if the other is tired. A cuddle goes a long way. We save it for the morning. Well rested then. However, if it is a must for either one of us...then we both go the distance for each other. 

My W usually is the instigator. As of late, I instigate. Usually sexting, email and of course physical contact when I arrive home. Going right to PIV..not happening and somehow it would feel mechanical to me.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> or just tell him... I know you are insisting on sex right now... but Darlin' I just told you no and you are just going to have to accept that. I am no longer accepting sex when you are half asleep. I love you, but it hurts my heart too much and I'm just not interested in injuring myself by allowing you to do that. When you are rested up and raring to go, let me know... and then move right on with your life sweet girl. You deserve better than lackadaisical effort and attitude. And you can say it sweet and calm assertive, reassure him that you love him and you are not leaving him, but Darlin you do not have to accept that effort. Sorry... but I would not tolerate a man falling asleep ON me during sex. and did you mean like falling asleep on top of you? Is that what you meant? or he falls asleep after he's released but you aren't done yet?


Thanks. I have told him repeatedly if he is going to do some half hearted initiation, and lackluster lazy sex, then I'd rather just not. But I find myself compromising because I do want sex, and I knew I wouldn't get any for a couple more days. 

The sex it's self wasn't bad, it's just the getting started that is hard.

He didn't fall asleep on me yesterday. But he has in the past. Not on top of me, but during foreplay, or when he was giving me manual. He always feels bad, but it doesn't stop it from happening again.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I always can sense if the other is tired. A cuddle goes a long way. We save it for the morning. Well rested then. However, if it is a must for either one of us...then we both go the distance for each other.
> 
> My W usually is the instigator. As of late, I instigate. Usually sexting, email and of course physical contact when I arrive home. Going right to PIV..not happening and somehow it would feel mechanical to me.


That's all I want. Just some sexting, or physical contact, BEFORE we actually have sex. That way I know it is coming, and I can allow myself to get excited. 

I try not to get too excited about sex, or look forward to it because he usually disappoints or rejects. So not caring about it has made that aspect easier to deal with, but it's hard to just instantly flip the switch and get turned on, 5 minutes before sex. 

It DOES feel very mechanical.

I just want some warning and some build up. But he doesn't seem to know if he wants or will want to have sex until we are actually having it. Does that make sense?

I could go all day thinking about sex, and I know I'd love to have some that evening. I could text him all the things I can't wait to do to him. But he doesn't think like that. He doesn't know he wants to have sex until 9:30pm at night, when he realizes sex sounds fun. I can't get warmed up that quickly. Especially if he isn't making the effort to help me get warmed up. Just him asking me if I want to have sex isn't enough to get the motor running.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

when you deliver that though ... remove the guilt off him

communicate your preference without negativity... 

You know what honey I think I would rather just have steak tonight... but thanks for tryin


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> when you deliver that though ... remove the guilt off him
> 
> communicate your preference without negativity...
> 
> You know what honey I think I would rather just have steak tonight... but thanks for tryin


The bad side of me says, why should I remove his guilt? Shouldn't he face up to the fact that he is lazy with sex. Why sugarcoat the fact that I am unsatisfied?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You aren't sugarcoating it

gosh... how can I explain this... because I have been in your shoes... hmmm give me a sec to gather my thoughts.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> That's all I want. Just some sexting, or physical contact, BEFORE we actually have sex. That way I know it is coming, and I can allow myself to get excited.
> 
> I try not to get too excited about sex, or look forward to it because he usually disappoints or rejects. So not caring about it has made that aspect easier to deal with, but it's hard to just instantly flip the switch and get turned on, 5 minutes before sex.
> 
> ...


TCW, I know exactly where you're coming from. On the odd occasions when we have sex, my husband just reaches out and strokes down to the panty area and then it's all systems go. Because there is no signal that he will want sex, it's awkward and I'm not ready for it. I need a bit of physical skin contact first, some stroking, kissing, licking, etc - but no, his hand just goes straight for the prize. As the HD partner, it's difficult to try to slow things down as I'm always scared that it will just put a total stop to the proceedings. Other than on the few occasions when we have sex at night in bed, there is absolutely nothing sexual going on between us. No innuendo, no flirting, no hugging, no kissing (apart from goodbye which is rare), no stroking or touching. 

Like your husband, mine spends a lot of time sleeping (he's in bed now as I haven't finished work yet). I get most of my work done in the evenings so that I can spend time with him and help him during the day and then once I've been working for a couople of hours, he goes into the bedroom to lie down. I then finish work and bathe and by the time I get to bed he will usually be asleep. If we do go to bed at the same time, we just sit next to each other reading until we put the light off and go to sleep. If he's had too much to drink he will usually chat if he hasn't already fallen asleep - but chatting a load of rubbish usually  ). 

You have my sympathy and I can really relate to this:

*I just want some warning and some build up. But he doesn't seem to know if he wants or will want to have sex until we are actually having it. Does that make sense?*

If I had a little warning, I could at least get myself in the mood which would make the sex more enjoyable for me. Like yours, my husband gives off no sexual signals until we're actually doing the deed. I would love a bit of build up and teasing during the day or evening - some flattery and flirting, especially if I was confident that it would follow through to sex later. 

On the odd occasion that he does flatter me or use a little innuendo or double entendre, that's it - it never develops into anything.

I've actually given up flirting and behaving in a sexy way because with no sex life to speak of, it feels ridiculous and desperate. I already feel undesirable and unsexy enough.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> That's all I want. Just some sexting, or physical contact, BEFORE we actually have sex. That way I know it is coming, and I can allow myself to get excited.
> 
> I try not to get too excited about sex, or look forward to it because he usually disappoints or rejects. So not caring about it has made that aspect easier to deal with, but it's hard to just instantly flip the switch and get turned on, 5 minutes before sex.
> 
> ...


Truth be told, my sexual prowess was not something I knew. It was learned. I was like your H. Did not really think about it all day. After I woke up to my W emotional need did I seek to work on it. It has paid off for both of us. Sexual awakening for me. For my W, she said just the other day, her sexual frustration is gone. We are full circle. Love, security, fulfillment and caring. It was quite a transformation. Perhaps your H will realize a sexual awakening. When he does he will see what a different world within your two walls. A new level in the marriage.


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Your post made me laugh.
> 
> The shower invitation is the go to, but even that is loosing it's luster. Besides the fact that it usually isn't accepted.


Sounds like there are other issues keeping you from not really wanting him sexually. I'd bet he is not doing his share in making you emotionally happy first. Jmo


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Go dry for two weeks and watch what happens... Dont say a word about what you're doing. If he mentions sex just say "no, thats ok" just in a sweet way.. get off in your head and just let the sex life dry off for a while. Then in a couple weeks when he asks, say SURE! And have fun... Do not focus one one thing he is doing wrong, just enjoy.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Or two weeks can go by and he's said nothing at all about sex and is barely kissing or hugging you either. Then there's that.

With two or three weeks of someone showing zero sexual interest in you that is not conducive for any kind of intimate sex.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Sometimes you gotra dry it off to see whatcha got. If he showed no interest after two weeks, then your problem is deeper than first thought.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Someone who is LW isn't likely to feel much passion or desire or enthusiasm when they are having more sex than they want. He might feel at least some of that on his schedule but probably not on yours.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Sometimes you gotra dry it off to see whatcha got. If he showed no interest after two weeks, then your problem is deeper than first thought.


I'm going to have to guess you haven't been reading CW's other post.

She already knows he is not showing interest, hardly ever, and she has been trying to figure it out for two years.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I've tried to get into it a couple of times, but I get bored... sorry OP

I am aware of the time frame though

I worked on my ex for six years.. so I get it


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

CW- I spent the day going through the LD husband journal (I'm only at January so far) but I can relate to a lot.
What you describe is often how things were for us. He'd say "wanna have sex" out of the blue, then we'd go to the room, he'd give manual stimulation and then on to him with either BJ or PIV so I know what you mean about it being awkward. 

I wish I had advice, I had just gave up. We are trying things my way on Saturday so that is good. It's just been a long, hard road to get here. I think the fact that I was ready to leave and he finally believed me helped but it took 8 years of bad to get there. 

In your other thread, at least at the start, if you would say no he would keep asking until you said yes. Like he liked the chase? If that is still going on I would use it to your advantage. Use a flirty tone to say "Maybe.... if you can convince me to" or something like that? That might start him kissing or trying to get you in the mood.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Go dry for two weeks and watch what happens... Dont say a word about what you're doing. If he mentions sex just say "no, thats ok" just in a sweet way.. get off in your head and just let the sex life dry off for a while. Then in a couple weeks when he asks, say SURE! And have fun... Do not focus one one thing he is doing wrong, just enjoy.


I suspect that for the OP going dry for two weeks would not make much difference. If I were to go dry for two weeks my husband wouldn't even notice. It's been three weeks since we last had sex. The only way I can "go dry" is to turn it down on the odd occasion (average every 6 weeks or so) that he does remember that I'm his wife and he ought to shag me now and again.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> It seems like if the passion just isn't there, it's hard to build it yourself.


I completely agree with this statement.

I may be in the minority here, but I think a lot of this comes down to "personality" more so than "spicing things up" or "ways to get in the mood." My SO has a very dominant, passionate personality and has no hesitation about showing me clearly what his desires are. He is a very take-charge person, in and out of the bedroom, and it makes me melt 

Fireworks and passion -- I'm not sure this is something you can "teach" someone. God knows I tried with my ex for 20 years. It just wasn't in his personality to be a dominant "cave man" who ravished my body. Nor did he want his body ravished. Sex was a pretty passive thing.

I honestly believe it comes down to personality. And "chemistry" and attraction.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree with Happy, mostly.

My story similar to hers


Yet, sometimes its a bit dormant and can be awakened and since OP deviated from her main thread to single out this single issue, exploring this fully here in this thread was my angle. If I am not helping I can move along.

If she feels she has tried everything, I'm not sure why she deviated from her thread to single out this issue. 

I have more to share if you are interested OP. 2 weeks, 6 weeks, we haven't finished exploring.

Is there any improvement at all OP from your previous efforts?

What is your end goal?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not looking for ways to make my husband want sex more, or what have you.

I'm looking for ideas on what I can do when sex is on the table, but it's not exactly hot and steamy. How can bring it up a level?

I was really wanting scenarios from other people on how they turned a lackluster initiation into "good sex."

ETA: Things I can do. Not my husband. That's why I was trying to leave my other thread out of it. There are way too many issues to work through, which I don't want to bring into everyone of my new threads. lol. Somehow it always seems to happen.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> In your other thread, at least at the start, if you would say no he would keep asking until you said yes. Like he liked the chase? If that is still going on I would use it to your advantage. Use a flirty tone to say "Maybe.... if you can convince me to" or something like that? That might start him kissing or trying to get you in the mood.


Thanks. This is a good idea. I have used it in the past.

"I'm not really in the mood right now, but you can try to get me there." I try to always say this instead of rejecting him. That way he has an option, if he really wants sex, he can put in the effort to make me want it too. Which I will gladly accept.

Maybe I need to ramp it up a bit.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Just for clarification I know how to make sex passionate.

Ie. last night I surprised him with lingerie when he got home and we had passionate, hot sex.

What I struggle with is when HE initiates by just asking if I want to have sex. There is just absolutely nothing to work with, and it's hard to create that spark out of thin air. 

What is a girl to do, if she isn't preheated, and he isn't so great at getting the juices flowing?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Just for clarification I know how to make sex passionate.
> 
> Ie. last night I surprised him with lingerie when he got home and we had passionate, hot sex.
> 
> ...


I don't know that I would even want to have sex with my husband if he asked like your does. That would be a huge turn-off for me.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

karole said:


> I don't know that I would even want to have sex with my husband if he asked like your does. That would be a huge turn-off for me.


:iagree:

That's what I mean.

(I don't know why I have such trouble saying something that should only take 2 sentences. )

I'm turned off by his initiation, which makes it hard to get into the moment. What can I do to get my head back in the game?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

karole said:


> I don't know that I would even want to have sex with my husband if he asked like your does. That would be a huge turn-off for me.


:iagree:

For 20 years, my ex asked me (every month or so), while watching TV or just hanging out at home, "Do you want to have sex?" (More often it was just groping at my crotch) 

I would dutifully participate, knowing it would mostly be all about his pleasure. And if it was a "hot sex" night... his erection would go limp and it would finally culminate in a "two-chump-pump" experience...  Still, all about him.

I equate my current long term relationship with the love-of-my-life SO to that of a "Silverback Gorilla" ... no ambiguity, doesn't merely *ask* if I "want to have sex"... he simply makes me AWARE of what he's about to do...starts undressing me -- on the couch, at the dinner table, when I'm getting ready to take a shower --* taking what's his (AND MINE!!)* pleasuring me beyond ridiculous pleasure, acting like the DOMINANT male that I always craved.

Btw, if I EVER say "no" to my SO (which I rarely do)... cramps, Aunt Flo, hormonal-emotional roller-coaseter, etc. he is COMPLETELY respectful of that and is very sweet and tender about the whole thing. We find "other" ways to make love that are mutually satisfying.

No way could my ex have EVER filled that role. *He just didn't have it in him.* Passive Beta = Passive Beta.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> OP's scenario was a HUGE turnoff for me too.
> 
> ...


Jealous.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Me too


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Teasing with your hubs could illicit his male drive to conquer. 

I just dont know if I would be so available to him with the tv... 

No only tease but be a moving target... 

Do you notice where Happy was? She was busy.... Moving in the kitchen... 

Being too available is just as buzz killing as being too neglectful.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

If he just doesn't have any skill about initiating ("lets go have sex"), what about setting up some kind of signal he can use instead to let you know---light a certain candle or place some agreed on item on the TV or coffee table. Somewhere you're certain to see it. 

This relieves him of having to try to smooth talk like George Clooney, but in YOUR mind you can "hear" him smooth talk you. The intent from him is already there, and you can fill in the blanks yourself, vs him stammering and saying something moment-killing. He may never be Clooney-smooth, but it might be a step up from Jim Carrey.


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