# Married vs. Alone? Can you help?



## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

This might be a weird one for some of you, but maybe you can help me...

I really don't know how much help I expect to get in an online forum, but I need to make a decision so I am calling out for guidance...

*I am married to a beautiful woman that treats me good, yet I feel a longing to go out on my own.*

Here are all the current positives:

she's beautiful (model hot)
she loves me
she'll do anything for me
she puts up with all my crap
we have a long history together
she knows me well
we have similar interests
we have a good relationship together (we get along great, think alike, have fun together, don't fight a lot, etc.)

Sounds like an ideal relationship right? That is why this is so hard and may seem very odd to some of you. Even with all those great things listed above:


I feel an urge to go out on my own (I've had this feeling for years). It is not because I want to mess around or be with someone else specifically - it is literally an urge just to be solo freely roaming the world.
I'm not sure that I love her in the soulmate kind of way (or if that even exists). But I do love her as a person and I don't want to hurt her. I care enough about her that I'd almost rather stay with her than hurt her by leaving her (regardless of how I feel).

I feel like I am a free spirit and destined to travel alone on my own path, but I don't want to destroy what I have built up with my wife or our potential future together. 

Maybe I will choose to leave her to go alone on my own path, only to realize what I lost and it will be too late. 

Or maybe I will stay and regret that I never fulfilled my longing to go out on my own...?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!

There's no way around it, really. One way or another you will wind up wondering "what if".

My suggestion? Talk to her about it. If she loves you and supports you enough to let you roam - stay with her.

If she tried to keep you caged, fly.

I wish there was a way you could do both, but there isn't - at least for an extended period.

On the other hand, if you aren't sure you love her perhaps you should have a heart to heart with her about this... She deserves that soulmate kind of love in her life, and if you aren't giving that to her she's missing out! Don't let guilt and momentary discomfort get in the way of ultimate happiness.

That being said - how old are the both of you, and how long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

> My suggestion? Talk to her about it. If she loves you and supports you enough to let you roam - stay with her.


Yes, we've talked about it. She says its ok because she knows it means a lot to me, but it is a different story when it actually happens. She gets sad and gives me bad vibes when I do things on my own or with other people. She equates anything done without her as "I'm choosing to be without her" rather than just "choosing to do something on my own".

On top of that, I do believe that marriage is a commitment. I don't want to be that guy that stays married, yet has a second life. I don't think it will work for me to half-ass it either way. I want to man-up, and make a decision: either stay married to her, give her what she wants, and put in 100% effort to make our partnership the best or go on my own and put 100% effort into just being free...



> On the other hand, if you aren't sure you love her perhaps you should have a heart to heart with her about this... She deserves that soulmate kind of love in her life, and if you aren't giving that to her she's missing out! Don't let guilt and momentary discomfort get in the way of ultimate happiness.


I am a very loving person (its natural for me to be loving to all people and creatures). She claims that I am "the one", but I am not sure about that. I guess it makes me wonder if she is my true "soulmate" since I am having these questions in the first place...



> That being said - how old are the both of you, and how long have you been married?


We are both turning 30, have been together since college, and have been married for 5 years.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

jaybay:

Careful of boredom and complacency: dangerous.

I don't know how old you are but you may want to research mid-life crisis.

I understand the feeling and I acted upon it after 23 years of marriage and the mistakes began. One right after another. But you may have a different experience. Perhaps you could talk to your wife, perhaps she is feeling the same way. MC or IC may help. But you have taken the right step in discussing it here.

Good luck on your voyage, be wary of the hidden reefs.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

If you leave, you will have to face the fact that once you do you might not ever get her back. The fact that she supports you speaks volumes, and her pain is what you are mistaking as "bad vibes".

However, it isn't fair to stay with someone just because they suit your needs, because she is a good person, because you may end up regretting your decision in the end - she deserves to be fulfilled in ways it seems like you aren't.

If you are correct in your uncertainty she feels it too, without a doubt.

"Going solo" and leaving her behind to spend time with others are two different things in my book. Weigh this heavily. It seems like you have been experimenting while not completely committing to this change in lifestyle, and it has very likely made her confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> jaybay:
> 
> Careful of boredom and complacency: dangerous.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the words Sparkles. We've been married for about 5 years and I have heard this voice since day one. At first, it was quiet, but it has gotten louder over the years. I feel like it has nothing to do with boredom, complacency or even my wife. I'm never bored, we have a great time together, and the relationship is great. Yet I have this subtle voice inside that says I was meant for a different path. I have always been a "free spirit" (for lack of better word) since I was born. 

My wife definitely doesn't feel the same way - she will be devastated if I leave. This is one of the reasons that makes this so hard - I don't want to do that to her. I've actually had thoughts that it might be good if she fell in love with someone else so that I could slip away in the night without hurting her...

It would even be strange to go through MC because our marriage is great. It literally comes down to something inside me that says I may be meant for a different path...


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> If you leave, you will have to face the fact that once you do you might not ever get her back.


Yep, this is so true and why I have been mulling over this for years...



> However, it isn't fair to stay with someone just because they suit your needs, because she is a good person, because you may end up regretting your decision in the end - she deserves to be fulfilled in ways it seems like you aren't.
> 
> If you are correct in your uncertainty she feels it too, without a doubt.


Actually, this is more of a quiet voice in my head, that I think about while I am alone. When I am with her (which is most of the time), I am fully present with her. She is absolutely "certain" about us. (which makes me feel more like a jerk for having these thoughts, but I can't help how I feel).



> "Going solo" and leaving her behind to spend time with others are two different things in my book. Weigh this heavily. It seems like you have been experimenting while not completely committing to this change in lifestyle, and it has very likely made her confused.


Agreed. I don't spend much time with other people. How could I experiment completely with going solo - like a trial separation?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

> She gets sad and gives me bad vibes when I do things on my own or with other people. She equates anything done without her as "I'm choosing to be without her" rather than just "choosing to do something on my own".


This is what lead me to believe you are experimenting with time alone.

You could do a trial seperation - but you will be putting her through a lot of distress. You also risk the fact that SHE might see she is happier/better off without YOU.



> Actually, this is more of a quiet voice in my head, that I think about while I am alone. When I am with her (which is most of the time), I am fully present with her. She is absolutely "certain" about us. (which makes me feel more like a jerk for having these thoughts, but I can't help how I feel).


You can't say you are completely present with this having been on your mind for years. It's possible, again, her "bad vibes" is her feeling you pull away. Trust me, she feels uncertain, and being the person she is, is still trying to support you. The bad vibes are also your guilt that you're probably projecting onto her.



> I've actually had thoughts that it might be good if she fell in love with someone else so that I could slip away in the night without hurting her...


This speaks volumes. 

At this point you might as well flip a coin. You are in limbo, keeping HER in limbo, and it isn't really fair to either of you.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

> You can't say you are completely present with this having been on your mind for years.


Touche - but I don't think about it when I am with her.



> It's possible, again, her "bad vibes" is her feeling you pull away. Trust me, she feels uncertain, and being the person she is, is still trying to support you. The bad vibes are also your guilt that you're probably projecting onto her.


The bad vibes come about when I go off on my own like if I go surfing for an afternoon instead of being with her. Definitely no guilt - everything has been fine with us. It is just a recurring thought that has resurfaced again - now I want to look into deeper and get it resolved...



> At this point you might as well flip a coin.


There is no way I could decide this from a coin...
Let me try it now. Heads I stay, Tails I leave...
It was heads but it doesn't help.



> You are in limbo, keeping HER in limbo, and it isn't really fair to either of you.


I KNOW


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The thing about marriage is for a successful happy marriage it takes two people being happy, and you are not. Your life has been structured, parents home to college and then in a relationship since, you never were truly solo, and personally I think everyone should spend some years being solo. Also it sounds like your wife may be a little insecure about letting you do things without her which may add to your feelings of being trapped. 

Maybe try an occasional separate vacation or solo hobby before doing anything that can't be undone like leaving your wife. And encourage your wife to try some things on her own as well.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well. I think you should go. For a number of reasons. But I don't think this conversation has provided you with anymore clarity than you came here with.

Your relationship with her may be great, but I worry if you stay, later on, perhaps years later, you will grow resentful. And by that point you will only have yourself to blame. 

I don't know what you want to hear, but if you doubt your love for her at all, in ANY way, based on the things you've said, I believe you DON'T want to be with her but can't find a good enough reason to LEAVE.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You could go on vacations and explore on your own here and there.

My husband loves fishing and hunting. He travels to Alaska with his cousin for 10 nights every year to every other year. He also takes the opportunity to hunt on the weekends during whatever season it is. I have no issues at all of him going. He also goes up north to fish at the BWCA quite often. I even took a weekend myself to CA and met a girlfriend. We stayed on the Queen Mary ship. I'm meeting up with her again along the Gulf coast in Floirda to spend a long weekend on the beach. We use frequent flyer miles, so all our air travel is basically free. My husband does so much for me, he deserves his free time whenever he wants. We are both very supportive of each other.

You may also want to try IC if your feeling of freeness continue to grow. You seem pretty happy with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

> The thing about marriage is for a successful happy marriage it takes two people being happy, and you are not. Your life has been structured, parents home to college and then in a relationship since, you never were truly solo, and personally I think everyone should spend some years being solo. Also it sounds like your wife may be a little insecure about letting you do things without her which may add to your feelings of being trapped.


Yep, I've never been solo - went right from mom to wife. Even my wife says this has something to do with my longing to be solo. She is definitely insecure about letting me do things without her, although she has gotten better once she saw that it might break us up - but there are still 'bad vibes' as I've said before.



> Well. I think you should go. For a number of reasons. But I don't think this conversation has provided you with anymore clarity than you came here with.
> 
> Your relationship with her may be great, but I worry if you stay, later on, perhaps years later, you will grow resentful. And by that point you will only have yourself to blame.


You make good points. I do think that this conversation has given me something to think about though as well as just putting my thoughts down for others to read has helped.



> I don't know what you want to hear, but if you doubt your love for her at all, in ANY way, based on the things you've said, *I believe you DON'T want to be with her but can't find a good enough reason to LEAVE.*


I think you might right - I can't find a good enough reason to leave besides my own selfish wants to be "solo" and I can see many reasons to stay with her especially not to hurt her.



> You could go on vacations and explore on your own here and there.


I've tried this. I take trips with my family each year, but it is always awkward - I get the guilt trip for leaving her to be with my family instead of her and I must check in on a regular basis. I know it is a compromise, but it's definitely not the same as if I was roaming freely answering to no-one...



> You may also want to try IC if your feeling of freeness continue to grow. You seem pretty happy with your wife.


IC meaning "individual counselor"?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start doing more adventures together

spend more time with her in a fun and loving way, you can rekindle feelings by bonding by doing such activities

I believe you're experiencing a grass is greener phase and your marriage needs a tune up. It's good you are recognizing the feelings rather than making a bad decision like cheating or abandonment. 

You said it yourself, you have the perfect partner. You just don't have that same endorphin rush you once had for her. You can get it going again by sharing intimate moments and experiencing new things together.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I believe you DON'T want to be with her but can't find a good enough reason to LEAVE.


If this is true, would you leave?
(even if if you know it will severely hurt them)


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

Thanks for the words AlmostRecovered.



> start doing more adventures together
> 
> spend more time with her in a fun and loving way, you can rekindle feelings by bonding by doing such activities


We do tons of stuff together, all kinds of crazy activities every day.



> I believe you're experiencing a grass is greener phase and your marriage needs a tune up. It's good you are recognizing the feelings rather than making a bad decision like cheating or abandonment.
> 
> You said it yourself, you have the perfect partner. You just don't have that same endorphin rush you once had for her. You can get it going again by sharing intimate moments and experiencing new things together.


I would never cheat on her or abandon her. I would leave in a mature supportive way before I did that.

The problem is that this grass is always greener mentality is not just a phase - its been here since we got married - its just getting louder now. This could definitely be because of what Cooper said - that I've never had any solo years in my life - went straight from parents to wife.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

> if this is true, would you leave?
> (even if if you know it will severely hurt them)


Yes, I absolutely would, and I have in the past. I'm glad I did, and I don't regret a thing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Yes, I absolutely would, and I have in the past. I'm glad I did, and I don't regret a thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you left, even though the relationship was good and they had done nothing wrong because you just knew that you didn't want to be with them?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yup! I wasn't in love, didn't feel I was loved, we were more like good friends and roommates.

He wasn't all that distraught - a little depressed at the change, (we were together for 5 years), BUT - because I left he went on to pursue his dreams, opened his own business and has a lovely woman in his life who gave him a beautiful child. Even though I fully supported him, the break was what he needed to get his butt in gear, and we are both happier people for it. 

You've said a lot that you worry about hurting her - in the long run staying with someone because you don't want to hurt them is more painful in the end, when the truth inevitably comes out. Don't waste her time - she deserves someone who will truly love her and not take her for granted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

Thanks for sharing Yin.

The only difference here is that I do love her and I don't take her for granted. (I just don't think it is that "soulmate" type love that you hear about, but I don't think I've ever seen that).

Also she will be devastated because she has built her whole life and future around me.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh no, I had "a" love for my ex, but like you said, it wasn't "soulmate" love.

So now you are looking for reasons to stay?

If you do, and this feeling doesn't go away, years from this moment right now, when you decide leaving is best, you will have hurt her 100x more. Just a thought. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Research the Quarterlife Crisis. 

You are blessed to have a wife with so many great qualities. Be aware that if you leave, it will be very hard to find another woman like her!

I had a lot of awful men before I met my husband. That is why I appreciate everything he does and wouldn't even think of looking elsewhere; not too many men like him.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> Research the Quarterlife Crisis.
> 
> You are blessed to have a wife with so many great qualities. Be aware that if you leave, it will be very hard to find another woman like her!
> 
> I had a lot of awful men before I met my husband. That is why I appreciate everything he does and wouldn't even think of looking elsewhere; not too many men like him.


Yeah, I'm very familiar with that. I did the quaterlife crisis thing a few years back. This isn't the same, its been there before and after...


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Oh no, I had "a" love for my ex, but like you said, it wasn't "soulmate" love.


Ok, thanks for the clarification.



> So now you are looking for reasons to stay?


Yeah, well it's the biggest decision I've ever made in my life so I am considering all sides.



> If you do, and this feeling doesn't go away, years from this moment right now, when you decide leaving is best, you will have hurt her 100x more. Just a thought. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go.


You're right. It will only get worse if my heart wants something else...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

jaybay said:


> I've tried this. I take trips with my family each year, but it is always awkward - I get the guilt trip for leaving her to be with my family instead of her and I must check in on a regular basis. I know it is a compromise, but it's definitely not the same as if I was roaming freely answering to no-one...
> IC meaning "individual counselor"?


No, not with your family. Take trips solo, maybe a week once or twice a year. I use to have a hard time at first because I was left home with 3 small children and I was always afraid someone would break into my house at night. My kids are older and I have 2 large dogs that protect our house/property. I honestly do not mind my husband vacationing without me. I completely support my husband and he needs his space, he's a man. Plus he deserves this for all the effort he puts in our marriage. We have so many frequent flyers, we fly for free. My husband sure misses us when he is gone, he calls us a few times a day while he is away.

Yes, individual counselor. Or perhaps marriage isn't your thing, you sound like you are feeling trapped. Do you have children with your wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think short-term therapy may be the only way you can really sort things out and decide what path you want to take at this point in your life...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I think short-term therapy may be the only way you can really sort things out and decide what path you want to take at this point in your life...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah looking into it now...


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> No, not with your family. Take trips solo, maybe a week once or twice a year. I use to have a hard time at first because I was left home with 3 small children and I was always afraid someone would break into my house at night. My kids are older and I have 2 large dogs that protect our house/property. I honestly do not mind my husband vacationing without me. I completely support my husband and he needs his space, he's a man. Plus he deserves this for all the effort he puts in our marriage. We have so many frequent flyers, we fly for free. My husband sure misses us when he is gone, he calls us a few times a day while he is away.
> 
> Yes, individual counselor. Or perhaps marriage isn't your thing, you sound like you are feeling trapped. Do you have children with your wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do feel trapped a bit. No children, but she's been patiently waiting for me to start some...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Yeah - if she knows she wants kids, and you aren't sure you even want to be with her its best to get this sorted ASAP. Unfortunately, women come with expiration dates... LoL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jaybay said:


> The only difference here is that I do love her and I don't take her for granted. (I just don't think it is that "soulmate" type love that you hear about, but I don't think I've ever seen that).


Nobody has ever seen that.

I think you`ll end up regretting it if you pursue this, I think it may end up being a very large regret.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Maybe you should separate for a few weeks, see if you really enjoy being solo so much.

What do you want in life? What do you want to go to your grave with? A loving wife, children, a family, etc.... Or memories of a solo life?

And I'm not sure that I understand what you have to be solo for? Are you wanting to do something your wife isn't interested in? Or are you hoping you will meet someone else? There are plenty of free spirits who are married.

To be honest, it sounds to me like you have some commitment issues/fears that you need to address. My H went through a phase like this before we got married. We actually split up for 6 mos over it before he realized things were good here, and he still has flare ups now and then. My husband is also immature and has commitment issues. We have been together for 6 yrs and married for 2 of those.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I wish we all had your problem. That is not a criticism but an observation. You have had good fortune or that is what it seems and it has come to you with relatively little effort on your part, it appears 

You live in a warm place by the oceon, you have been and still are surrounded by people who love and care, you have no financial worries it appears in this recession and finally, you have the absolute assurance that this beautiful woman loves you and would not think of leaving you. You have the assurence of throwing it all away and getting it all back again when you finish your walk-about. 

Count your blessings you have an abundance of them. My thoughts are that you are lucky but in a way unlucky and unwise. You were born in the garden of Eden but you don't know what it would be like to be cast out and you want to experience it. You're unlucky because you don't recognize and therefore don't appreciate you wife, family and the ease of your life. You have not suffered enough misfortune to recognize your abundance. 

I would suggest that instead of making a solitary journey of discovery, take one or two less fortunate souls on a journey into your world while you take a joirney into theirs. Maybe ecome a foster brother to two young boys in families who struggle and teach them how to surf. While teaching them that skill take the oppurtunity to show them what is possible. Widen their horizons. In the meantime, get to know them and how they came to be so unfortunate. 

That is a journey worth taking. You get to expand your narrow horizons, help some people along the way and you may come to kiss the feet of your wife and family who have made your life so easy. Don't be so certain that the anxiety you create in your wife binds her to you. 

That could change in a heartbeat . All she needs to do is to catch the eye of a persistent male who will listen to her angst about her relationship. In a week or two at the top, you will get- ILYBINILWY. Your neat world will turn on an angle then. You are not in as much control as you think so tend your garden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m with Catherine on this one.

The OP strikes me as having an extreme sense of entitlement.

Hope he gets past it.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

I may be immature and have too much of a sense of entitlement - I am not going to discount anything - and I am thankful for anyone that posts their opinion which may help me resolve my inner angst.

However, here is a brief background on me so that you don't get the wrong idea:

I have been dirt poor my whole life. When I met my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time) I was homeless - sleeping in my car and at friends houses. She comes from an affluent background and helped me get on my feet at first. I did not take this for granted, and I have worked my butt off ever since to support us both.

My life was far from the garden of Eden - it was on the other side of the tracks so to say. I've had it rough in many ways including death, financial, legal, etc. But I don't really want to get into my "story" - just a brief background so that maybe you don't assume I've had a silver spoon with entitlement written on it shoved up my butt all these years...

Even if I did, the fact remains that something inside me is telling me to go a different path. If you know the story of Buddha, you will know that he left his plush life of comforts to live on the streets with nothing. I am not comparing myself to Buddha nor am I coming from a plush life, but sometimes you must follow your heart even when it seems to other people that you already have it made...

P.S. I don't live by the beach, I live in an east coast city. I have all of those other problems that you mentioned above, but honestly they pale in comparison to my relationship and my inner problems. The economy and all that other stuff are issues in my life just like everyone else, but they are not what I came to this site to talk about.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I`m with Catherine on this one.
> 
> The OP strikes me as having an extreme sense of entitlement.
> 
> Hope he gets past it.


I am not sure where you are seeing that I have a sense of entitlement, especially an "extreme" sense.

Maybe if I was a deadbeat or an a-hole that still expected my wife to treat me like a king, but that's not it at all.

I am simply having an inner conflict where my heart is telling me it wants to leave even though I care for my wife. These are true feelings, and I am not the only one to feel like this before. 

Why come and stink up the board with foul judgments...
No wonder you and Catherine have so many issues


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jaybay said:


> I am not sure where you are seeing that I have a sense of entitlement, especially an "extreme" sense.
> 
> Maybe if I was a deadbeat or an a-hole that still expected my wife to treat me like a king, but that's not it at all.
> 
> ...


I don`t have any issues, and if I did how the hell would you know about them?
I haven`t seen any "foul" judgements here either.

I get an "entitlement" vibe from you because you yourself admit you have a good life and marriage.
Most would be thrilled with this but no..... you want to be single too.

WTF?

IF you actually do love and care for your wife your attitude astounds me.

The lengths of sacrifice I`ve given to make my wife and family safe, happy, and secure are legion AND something I feel was a deal for what I get in return.

You, you want to be "on your own".
:scratchhead:

You want your cake and want to eat it too, that`s entitlement.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don`t have any issues, and if I did how the hell would you know about them?
> I haven`t seen any "foul" judgements here either.


My apologies, I lumped you in with Catherine, who as you can see had many many incorrect judgments.



> I get an "entitlement" vibe from you because you yourself admit you have a good life and marriage.
> Most would be thrilled with this but no..... you want to be single too.
> 
> WTF?
> ...


I feel you on this. I am confused about it too, that is why I started this thread to help get some clarity. I can't help how I feel. I understand the sacrifices that you have gone through, but not everyone's path is the same. I can't negate my feelings just because they aren't in line with yours.

With that being said, thanks for the level headed response, and I have taken note of what you've said. Now I just need to figure out what is true for me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

jaybay said:


> With that being said, thanks for the level headed response, and I have taken note of what you've said. Now I just need to figure out what is true for me.


I wish you luck.

Just please while doing that thinking don`t forget that you do indeed seem to have what many many people strive for their entire lives never to achieve.

I understand if it isn`t what YOU strive for, so be it.
Just keep it in your considerations.

It would suck to lose what you have only to realize it IS what you wanted after all.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Reminded me of this Garrison Keillor quote:

“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.”


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You cant blame the earlier posters. They can only go with what you tell them.
I understand things differently. As you have now admitted your wife put you on your feet. Maybe you resent her for this and want to show that you could also do it on your own. I am quite sure there is also much more you havent told us. Does your wife remind you a bit too often about it.
Also the fact that your wife is 'begging' for children and you dont respond points to this. 
Who in your marriage is really in charge. 
I dont mean to be nasty and you can check my other posts but I do have a probing attitude before giving judgement which is what you want. Very few OP really say what we want to hear. Thinking that its not part of the problem.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

You mentioned Buddha - are you interested in a life free of attachments? Are you practicing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mar (Dec 23, 2011)

Two quick things. First you posted that she was hot, model hot, as your first positive. To me a relationship needs more than looks or sex to last. Show me the hottest woman and I'll show a guy who is tired of screwing her.

Second you can play what if's all day everyday until the end of time for ANYTHING in life. Stop. Enjoy what you have. That's like playing the lottery and obsessing over what if? What if I won and could have everything? Sorry, but life isn't perfect. Do people win? Yes. But you were able to list a good number of positives and you're obviously questioning whether you should play this what if game or you wouldn't have posted. What if you left and couldn't find anybody half as good? What if's go both ways.

Stop and enjoy what you have because it can always get worse. The grass isn't always greener.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time a week do you spend with your wife doing things that are like dating?

How many hours do each of you spend at work?

How many hours do you spend in activities with out your wife in a normal week?

Does you wife have friends that she does things with? If so how often?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

After reading all your post it seems to me you have your mind made up, you want to leave, now you are just trying to validate your decision. If you are not committed to your wife and marriage, meaning your desire to be free is greater than your desire to build a future with your wife, than I think you would be doing her a favor ending the marriage. 

Sometimes the "whys" don't matter, you just aren't 100% committed, maybe you have a Bohemian soul or just plain and simply aren't happy even though you have a post card life, or maybe coming from a impoverished beginning you don't think you deserve your life. There are no guarantees, you may leave and regret it forever, or stay and regret it forever, but in all fairness to your wife you need to commit one direction or the other. 

PS....if you do leave can I have your wife's number? lol


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