# Please do not be afraid to say it...



## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

I am 22 years old, about to be 23 next month. My husband is 25. We have been married for 4 years. It will be 5 in may. My husband and I talked for almost a year off and on over the phone and internet before we met in person. We met in October and got to see one another on weekends since I was 17 and still in school. On my 18th birthday, in December, he proposed to me and I said yes. We had already been living together for 2 weeks before he proposed. In May we got married. His mom kept rushing us to get married because we shouldn't have been living together before marriage. 

Everything was blissful and fun and wonderful for the first 2 years. Everyone told us that it was a wonderful sign to make it through the first year, plus moving into a new house and renovating it and dealing with fertility issues in that period of time and still loving one another was a huge deal and we could make it through anything. 

Things started to get rough for us when he started to feel like his life was going nowhere and started to use drugs heavily. I was coping with that and trying to get him to not use them so much, but then he started doing drugs with his best friends girlfriend more and more. It got to the point that she would just help herself into the house and not even acknowledge me. I voiced my feelings several times and we fought about it constantly. He told me I was just overreacting and being jealous. 

I started to get tired of the secret meetings they would have. He would lie to me about what he was doing and later I would find out just the two of them would spend the day together while I was at work.. just getting trashed and talking. It was around our 3rd anniversary that I just gave up. I packed my things and left for my dads. I only spent two nights there before he came to get me and begged me to come home. Saying things would be different. 

I remember fighting constantly and he even was telling other women that he wonders what would have happened with them, saving their pictures on the computer and calling them when I wasn't home, planning visits with them. In on of our fights he openly admitted to me that it would be so easy to cheat on me and I should be thankful that he doesn't. I should be thankful that he tells girls not to come over because he knows what he would do. 

He has broken doors, his fist, throw things at me, kicked things at me, went to punch me and hit the wall next to me instead, flipped me off the bed, bit me, ripped my clothes in an attempt to keep me from walking away from him, ripped his own clothes in anger, smashed things and so forth... when he gets angry. 

I have honestly gotten to the point where I began to push his buttons so that he wouldn't hit the wall, but hit me and I could leave guilt free. I know.. it's not healthy, but I feel stuck.

Anyways... Things started to get better when he stopped talking to them and stopped doing drugs. He was amazing, but my feelings hadn't changed. I lost my trust for him. 

I left to stay at my dads about 5 more times since and he begs me to come home and comes to get me and cries and cries and makes promises and swears he never did anything to hurt me. 

I just recently found out when he was drunkenly talking to a friend that the one girl he was actively hanging out with had come onto him and had her hands down his pants and he laughed saying, "Well, I told her how hot she was, and that it's not that I didn't want her right then and there, but my wife would have flipped sh*t on me if she found out." 

I don't know. He's been trying very hard, he's been being romantic, working hard, not talking to those people, he's quit drugs and slowed down on his drinking and I know he loves me and he plans for the future happily, but I still can't shake this feeling of falling out of love with him. I try my best to make it work. I made that commitment, but I just want to go so badly. 

No one I have confided in has given me a straight answer. Please please please just give it to me straight. I can't handle another.. "You know what is best for you." If I honestly 100% knew what I was supposed to do.. I wouldn't have been so confused and depressed for the past 2 years trying to make things work because "That's what wives do".


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

You need to leave and file for divorce.

Do you have kids? Whether you do or not does not affect my answer. I'm just wondering how complicated executing your departure will be.

My firm frequently works with abused women, and a couple of my friends have been trapped in abusive relationships. Abuse of all kinds (whether physical, emotional, or mental) looks the same everywhere: it goes in a cycle. Pressure builds, and then there's an explosion. After the explosion, the abuser is sweet and apologetic, and makes superficial attempts to demonstrate that he/she is a changed man/woman. But then the pressure builds up again, and BOOM! it happens all over again.

*The abused victim gets caught in this cycle.* With each explosion, she vows to leave and never come back. But then the abuser acts so sweet and apologetic, and the the eternal optimist in the abused victim wants to believe that things will improve. The abused victim thinks it's their duty -- often a religious duty -- to forgive and forget, to "be strong" for the relationship, etc.

But it won't get better. He has crossed too many boundaries and committed too many crimes against the marriage to deserve any trust or faith. This is clearly a pattern, and you would be foolish to waste your young life waiting for that pattern magically to heal itself. No amount of pleading from you will do it -- if he were sufficiently empathetic to understand that he has hurt you and change for the better, he wouldn't be doing these things (repeatedly) in the first place. Besides, it's not your job to stick around and take it as though you're serving some higher purpose.

Don't get me wrong: I think your husband deserves to heal and be forgiven. But that won't happen as long as you enable his behavior. And his healing and forgiveness are not worth you sacrificing your youth.

One last thing. *Go now.* Many of my friends who have been in abusive relationships, and many people I meet with similar experiences, wait for the last big blowup to make their departure easier. They think, "well I'm going to give him *one last chance*, and if he blows it, then I'm gone."

It is a moral certainty that he will hit you again, or do more drugs, or cheat on you, or all three. And if he claims he hasn't already cheated on you, I call BS. So why wait for it to happen? Don't. The "one more blowup" you're waiting on to justify your exit could turn dangerous. Besides, you've given him plenty of "last" chances. 

Good luck.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

PS - he is not a man. No grown man should act like this.


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## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank you. We have no kids. I have 5 animals that are like family to me though. 

I have tried to be strong when leaving, but my family doesn't stand firmly at my side. They just are off doing their own thing or just give me this blank look when he shows up to get me. I've even told my sister. I don't feel as strong as I was and just need someone to help me stand in those moments. I know it's not an excuse, but I don't know where to begin. 

I have no car, no license, no job (he let me be a housewife), he maxed out my credit card and scared my closest friend away with his having to tag along and voice his opinion about them when they would come. 

I am scared of the next big blow up being a bad one. Like if he freaks out in the car is he going to speed and swerve oncoming traffic again to scare me. He threatens me with suicide. Which I cannot stand. 

I just wish I knew where to start.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Start by packing your belongings and leave. Go back to your Dad's. Speak to someone in a batter womens and childrens shelter. Go to a lawyer and get a restraning order. Do what you have to do to get out. And DO IT NOW. Don't wait for the next one, you won't like it. When you do all this change your phone number. Tell your friends and family not to give HIM any information on you at all. Good luck and God Bless you


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## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

Thank you. Sometimes we get so shrouded in emotions we forget the most simple things.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

You need to get him off of your credit cards. Is he an authorized user or did is he a co-applicant? If he's a co-applicant (meaning that they did a credit check on both of you when you applied for the card), you'll probably have to close those accounts altogether. Do it. Also, get yourself a separate checking account. You can do that now without him knowing about it. 

Initiate divorce proceedings and make sure he pays down at least half the debt. If it were me, I would settle the divorce proceedings by giving up your right to spousal support in exchange for him assuming all the debt. But that's between you and your lawyer.

Your family stares blankly at you because it's not their job to argue with him on your behalf. They're probably wondering what you'll do. If he gets threatening, I feel confident that your family will be by your side. But the next time he shows up to get you, *you* have to be the one to say "no." If your family tries to insist that you go with your husband (out of some misplaced ideology about marriage, e.g.), you need to raise utter holy hell. The other posters are right -- you may have to go to a battered womens' shelter.


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## amicrazyorishecheating (Nov 16, 2010)

thanks for your reply to me.......and i think u should pray about it because god can help thru all im not trying to shove religion down any ones throat but it may help because when i ask god to reveal something i uaslly find out stuff about my husband witch i wish i didn't but i do its just a suggestion to try


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## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

Xander- He has no authorization at all on my credit card. It's mine and mine only. I already have my own checking account. I did that a while back when he was having drug issues and didn't want to be putting my hard earned money into his account just to get wasted on drugs. 

I do have one other possible place to go. He wouldn't go there. 

AmI- You are welcome. I didn't take is as you were trying to shove anything down my throat. I have prayed and prayed about it, but like you how you say you get a little revelation.. I get a brick wall or maybe just not seeing it. Thank you.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

How did he run up your credit card bills? That's a rhetorical question -- just make sure that however he did it, he can't do it anymore.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

HeartofaPhoenix said:


> I have no car, no license, no job (he let me be a housewife), he maxed out my credit card and scared my closest friend away with his having to tag along and voice his opinion about them when they would come.


He "let" you, indeed. What he has done is such classical abuse tactics it is scary. Get to a shelter before he kills you.



> I just wish I knew where to start.


Pack a bag and be ready to move at a seconds notice. Hide it where he can't find it but you can get to it. When he is not around, find out where your battered women's shelters are. Call their hotline or show up on their doorstep.


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## HeartofaPhoenix (Nov 16, 2010)

Xander- I know you said it's rhetorical, but taking it from my purse. 

vthomes- I never tried leaving when he wasn't home or didn't know. Thank you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

HeartofaPhoenix said:


> vthomes- I never tried leaving when he wasn't home or didn't know. Thank you.


The his being around part is the smaller point. I know that trying to leave for a battered spouse is like trying to quit for a smoker. It takes several tries before it sticks. The tricky part is getting the leaving done before he kills your or does you permanent physical damage.

You aren't getting support from your family. I would bet a dollar they feel that they "can't interfere". You may be hearing, "why don't you just leave" with a less than helpful eye roll possibly included. At the shelter they will UNDERSTAND what you are going through. They will understand the pattern of isolation and abuse. They will have information about practical programs and services you may be eligible for.

They will have other women there who have experienced all the same things you have, the whole pattern. The apologies, the promises of change. The isolation and abuse. You will find out that you are not alone.

Please, please. You don't deserve to live like this. You deserve first to be safe. Then later hopefully you can find someone who cherishes you, doesn't abuse and hurt you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

WOW,

Pack your bags and go home. Explain everything just as you did in your post to your mom & dad. Then ask them if you could stay with them until you get on your feet.Next start off by getting your drivers lic. and looking into any programs for free or assisted schooling.and keep an eye open for a job maybe ask your family or friends if they know of any job openings.

If your dad or family can't help you. go to an abuse shelter.They will have people who can help you navigate thruogh this rough patch so you can once again enjoy life.

good luck, you will be in my prayers


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

You need to take your animals and leave. If your family will let you stay with them you are fortunate and should take advantage of that. You need to be strong and not go back with him; you have gone back over and over but things are still not good and there is no reason to think they will get better. Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to think about the safety of you and your pets. Once you are at your parents you need to start drivers training and get a license so you can find employment. You are still very young and can get a license, attend school-vocational or 4 year or whatever best works for you, but you need to commit to some action steps and take them so you can support yourself. I am sure it all seems very overwhelming now, but you are lucky that you can stay at your family's home so you can take some basic steps to get your life going in the right direction. It will not be easy, but the life you have now does not sound easy either. If you are alone and taking steps to improve yourself I am certain that you will be happier in the long run. Set goals and keep thinking about those goals. If you are with him you will never accomplish anything because he wants to keep you dependent on him. I wish you all the best, post again and let us know how things are going.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

HeartofaPhoenix said:


> Thank you. We have no kids. I have 5 animals that are like family to me though.
> 
> I have tried to be strong when leaving, but my family doesn't stand firmly at my side. They just are off doing their own thing or just give me this blank look when he shows up to get me. I've even told my sister. I don't feel as strong as I was and just need someone to help me stand in those moments. I know it's not an excuse, but I don't know where to begin.
> 
> ...


Start with therapy, so that you can move on from this and learn to love yourself.

You are allowing yourself to be abused, because you don't think that you deserve any better. I say this because I have been there.

Your situation is exactly why I don't understand wives who don't work. When you are completely dependent on a man for money, you lose your power! My husband makes a lot more than me, but if we divorced, I could certainly go back to living alone, as I did before we married.

You're still young, baby. Don't let this ass steal your best years!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Stop what you're doing, turn off the computer, pack your stuff, and leave right now. RIGHT NOW.

If your parents, other family members, or friends can't or won't let you stay with them until you're on your feet, go to a shelter. RIGHT NOW. NOW!

Do not EVER speak to or see this man again. EVER. It will be the most difficult thing you will ever do - believe me, I know - and you will be tempted many, many, MANY times to go back. DON'T GIVE IN TO THAT TEMPTATION.

Once you have gotten through this, you will be able to handle anything - but you must go through hell to get to heaven. Start right now. GO!


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