# Love her so much, but not feeling good about reconciling.



## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

I'm dealing with my wife's 3rd and (kind of) 4th "indiscretion" right now. 

We've been married for eleven years and the first affair (slept with him twice) occurred two years into our marriage while I was hospitalized. I didn't find out about it for six more years - by which time he was one of my closest friends. I confronted him while we were shooting clays (the look on his face realizing that I was armed and asking him about sleeping with my wife was pretty priceless), but I wasn't really mad at him (just pissed at her) so I was able to get a lot of my questions answered and I felt better. It was easier to move on because it had happened early in our marriage, I was able to confront him, they both were genuinely sorry, and I was able to verify information by questioning them separately.

The second time was a one night stand with a guy we knew in high school (this was about 7 months ago). She immediately came home and begged my forgiveness - lots of tears, etc. I asked her some questions and got really short unsatisfactory answers. I made a point to ask her several times if she used protection, as I know this guy was a heroin addict for several years and she assured me she did. Later that evening she confessed that she had not used protection. Ultimately, she cut off all contact with him, but I've never had either the opportunity to confront him (apparently he is terrified of me because I'm a hunter and arms collector) nor satisfactory answers about the affair. It still hurts me in ways I can't describe because I didn't have closure.

The day after that affair we made lists of the things we thought were wrong in our marriage, made plans on how to correct these things, etc. I was hopeful that we were really going to move forward. To date, I completed the entirety of the list of things I needed to do, she has done none. I even ended up doing the STD tests because she wouldn't even do that.

On December 12th, she told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her point blank if she was sleeping with a specific co-worker (turns out this affair started just over 2 weeks after the one night stand) - a man who had been a guest in my house along with his wife and two children - and she confirmed that this was the case, but that it was over and had nothing to do with her leaving me. 

We were still living in the same house (I moved into the spare room) when she told me she had set up a profile on Match.com because I had been out with a female friend of mine several times (truth is she is just one of the few shoulders I felt I could cry on) and we were separated anyway. Two days later she went to meet some guy from the site for coffee at 8:00 pm. The next day I woke up to find her work stuff still at home and she wasn't. She came in about 10:30 am and I got to try to explain to my 6 year old why mommy was coming home at this time on a work day.

She admitted fairly readily that this one-night stand was "just to be cruel". Three days later, she suddenly can't live without me and will do anything to reconcile. Since the only answers to questions about the affair she would give me were terse one or two word answers, I asked to read her text messages between her and him during the time since she told me she wanted a divorce. Bad idea, but at least I know - she begged him to leave his wife, he said no so that night she had the one night stand and then rubbed it in his face for three days until he made it super clear that there was not a future for them. That's when she decided she had to be with me.

At this point, I don't have much info and it is destroying me. What little info I do have just makes me feel like a stable backup plan. Honestly, I'm not sure why I agreed to marriage counseling or why I'm here. . . feeling totally immasculated and betrayed and worthless. The only thing is that I still love her so much.

I'm feeling trapped. After supporting her and paying for her college and master's degree she got her dream job so I stopped working to be a stay-at-home dad. My resume is shot and when we were talking divorce she agreed that I would have custody of our daughter to reduce trauma to her (she would have her every other weekend). I don't have a way to support my daughter and I at this point, and am facing starting over in a career that took me years to build.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Alimony and child support payments.

Talk to a lawyer asap and see if your state had adultery law still in effect. Clean house and take her to the cleaners.

That's if i wanted to be vindictive.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sorry for your pain. I think you know the M is done and that your W will never be faithful. You know she is only interested in you as a backup plan. It is wrong, and should never be that way. The one thing you don't really know, and you should. It's not you. It really isn't. It's her.

You have been faithful supportive, and self sacrificing. She used it to your hurt and threw it in your face. You will recover. You will be better off without her.

Start doing the 180. 

Gather all of the evidence you can. If you live in a fault state file on grounds of adultry. Use the fact that you gave up your job to support your child while she worked to get a bigger settlement in court, then go back to work with a little extra income.

Do not tell her you're filing. Let her find out when she's served.

You do the 180.

Also hit the weights. It blows off a ton of stress, and builds your body, which builds your self confidence.

Good luck to you. I'm really sorry you're here.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Why do you love her? 

Is it because you feel she is worthy of your love, or because you have an instinct and an impulse to love someone? 

Get the hell out of there. You love her. She definitely loves herself. 

Who's loving you?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If you supported her career and took care of your daughter you are entitled to alimony and child support when you get divorced. Notice I said WHEN, not IF you get divorced. Your wife is such a narcissistic and cold hearted [email protected]#ch that not only did she cheat on you multiple times, she cheated while you were hospitalized.

Then to make matters worse, she easily agrees to let you have almost sole custody. Why ? So she can have all the freedom to she wants to work on her career and have sex with whoever she wants.

Please D her ASAP if not for yourself, then for the sake of your daughter. Don't let your daughter become a "woman" like her mother.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

She needs to move out. Not you. You have been the primary caregiver. 

I agree with one of the prior posters. File for primary custody and alimony. Take that nasty woman to the cleaners. Tell your lawyer every dirty detail you can remember. She's trash and its time to take her to the dumpster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

Well, it is a no fault state. When she told me she was leaving me she seemed to be pretty willing to make alimony and child support payments. She also agreed to let me have the house without paying out the equity, so that's good, but who knows if this will still be the case if I leave her. 


Honestly, I am really happy to have custody of my daughter - she is my entire world.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Trampled said:


> I don't have a way to support my daughter and I at this point, and am facing starting over in a career that took me years to build.


Child and spousal support! Get a lawyer and explain how you have no form of support, but your wife.


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

Sorry to double post.

The other thing is that this time she is willing to go through counselling (which she has never been willing to do before), I feel like I owe it to my daughter to give this every chance I can. I grew up in a stable home with both parents and I do want my daughter to have that as well.

My friends keep telling me that even though we have been able to keep what is really going on from my daughter, if I stay and she sees that I am not happy it might be worse for her than if I just got out.

@WhiteMousse - In response to your question "Who's loving you?" - quite honestly I think the entirety of my response is that only my daughter is. I'm not really even loving myself at this point.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your wife is cruel-hearted and doesn't deserve you and your daughter. Get alimony and child support and start healing. You say that only your daughter loves you now, but you will be so surprised when you get out into the world as a single man how many truly kind women there are who would love to meet someone like you. Don't be your W's plan C.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

If your daughter is the only one loving you, then love her back. 
Live as an example of what ahe should strive for in her own life. 
What youre doing now, that aint it. You know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What a mess. That woman is unbelievaby unstable. A horrible role model for your daughter and a vindictive, uncomitted, and unfaithful wife. 

Do you even want to try again?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

naga75 said:


> If your daughter is the only one loving you, then love her back.
> Live as an example of what she should strive for in her own life.
> What youre doing now, that aint it. You know that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Listen To this Trampled. Do you and your daughter a favor. Move on and away from this toxic excuse of a mother and wife.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Your wife put a lot of hard work into ruining this marriage, no sense in you coming along and spoiling it for her. Divorce her. Reward her for a job well done. Shake her hand and give her a trophy. In my opinion, if you do any less, she'll stomp your soul until your no good to yourself or your daughter. You threw away the man thing when you decided to stay home and let her be the breadwinner. Now you have a chance to redeem yourself, step up to the plate, and make a great home for your daughter.

Sorry you're here.

T
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You don't love her. You like ready sex and fear the fiscal, social and self esteem changes which will come from a divorce.

You are living in fear.

How many men does she have to sleep with for you to see the reality of your marriage? Since you love her so much, let's set that number high. Ten. If she sleeps with 10 strange men, will you stop loving her? She's already a third of the way there and fast approaching a half.

So, cold blooded bastard that I am, you do what my neighbor wife did. She was a hot thing in a bikini but she was (to my mind) an idiot. I was wrong.

She had several nasty confrontations with her husband, insisted on 'growing' as a person by taking a lot of classes and she got herself whipped into shape.

She divorced him after she got a job as a police dispatcher. I have to admire that because a little hot helpless blond surrounded by cops takes the starch out of a-hole ex husbands very quickly.

So she wasn't so stupid after all. I was wrong.

Let's clear this up first. You are a fcking idiot and I say that with love. Women don't respect SAHD's You can have trendy 5th avenue types write countless articles about how forward thinking and progressive it is, but they are banging their bosses at the Conference in Vegas and think Open Marriages are just DANDY for personal growth. So why are you listening to them?

Where are you now? Vulnerable and alone while your wife is banging guys with jobs. Think very hard about that.

This is painful but whomever you are with, you need to get that truth deep in your psyche NOW!

So here are the conditions for a 'reconciliation'

1) You get a job. Too bad if it inconveniences her career. She fcked around. Being a single mom will inconvenience it MUCH more. It's her choice...

2) You change bank accounts. Her direct deposit/paycheck goes into an account with YOUR name. You tell her you feel vulnerable and able to be abandoned and this is non-negotiable. Do a little research at what child support and maintenance of an abandoned spouse will cost. Tell her about where the housing market is right now. Is your house underwater? Give her the price per hour of divorce attorneys. Not split. Not 'well...that leaves me vulnerable'. She has a job and you don't.

Get her an ATM card which maxes out at $500 per day. That is more than enough for most expenses and frankly, if she's spending more than that, it should be up for discussion.

She will say that this will not foster intimacy and the bond between the two of you. It's true. You respond by saying that that she needs to feel the uncertainty of a spouse who is willing to leave.

About that...

You need to be willing to leave. Honestly. How many guys is it going to take for you to wake up to what she is doing?

You need to be there for her a LOT less. You won't nice her out of this. She is taking her support structure for granted (that's you) Recall this: she was BEGGING this other guy to take her away from you.

Where does that put you? Your 'sex rank' is low.

You can change it. Get friends, get fit, get a job. All of those will change your rating.

And you bide you time. After about the millionth time the mental movies go through and you hear her beg that other man to leave his wife, maybe you can make a grown up decision of what kind of relationship you want. Because I can tell you you don't want what you have.

So either change your relationship substantially or leave. Or you can pine for her till the kids are in college or some guy she asks to leave his wife says yes.

This is very blunt. I wish you the best.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Trampled said:


> Sorry to double post.
> 
> The other thing is that this time she is willing to go through counselling (which she has never been willing to do before), I feel like I owe it to my daughter to give this every chance I can. I grew up in a stable home with both parents and I do want my daughter to have that as well.
> 
> ...


Trampled, you're letting her trample all over you.

What more are you going to let her get away with before
you put your foot down and say "enough"?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

What kind of woman starts an affair while her husband is hospitalized? That's just heinous. My husband has been hospitalized a few times some scheduled & one emergency... My total focus was taking care of my husband and children. Nothing else mattered. 

What kind of woman has a ONS just to be cruel. She is broken, a total mess. Why would you want to reconcile with a woman of such a low caliber? You have heard the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." 

Think about what you are teaching your daughter, do you want her to think this is the way a woman treats a man? You deserve so much more than what you are accepting in this relationship.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> What kind of woman starts an affair while her husband is hospitalized? That's just heinous. My husband has been hospitalized a few times some scheduled & one emergency... My total focus was taking care of my husband and children. Nothing else mattered.
> 
> What kind of woman has a ONS just to be cruel. She is broken, a total mess. Why would you want to reconcile with a woman of such a low caliber? You have heard the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
> 
> Think about what you are teaching your daughter, do you want her to think this is the way a woman treats a man? You deserve so much more than what you are accepting in this relationship.


True. But he is also not in a good place. WW's foster false R's all the time. Maybe it's time for a BS to offer one as well...

And who knows? Maybe the horse will sing...


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

OP is in a pretty good position right now.

One child, likely spousal AND child support, along w/ a chance for a new life. 

No brainer...get it all and get out.

EDIT: No - tell *HER* to get out.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You've already forgiven enough. She has it in her head that she can do whatever she wants and you'll be there as plan B to forgive her. Throwing an ONS in your face after the other affairs she had is Whorish, Spiteful, and Sickening behavior. 

Let her go. Protect your child. Find your happiness with a woman of higher quality and morals. This women will continue to drag your well-being into the gutter.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

It is long past time to tell this woman to leave. You can't fix her and your daughter deserves better. You say you love her but really, you are only in love with who you thought she was. The truth is that you are now stuck with a cheating monster who will not change and is clinging to you by her finger nails because she got dumped.

I'm sorry for you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

P.S. You have more than enough information. You are using the excuse to know more as a way to put off making a decision.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

Get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Wow, she has guts and balls, and she has you wrapped around her finger or her toe(considering she steps on you all the time.)

Get out man, get out.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Since you saw the texts and exactly what happened, it's kind of obvious that you're the backup plan. I just have one question about her most recent overnight - it was a lie when she said she did it to get back at you because you were crying on another woman's shoulder about your marital problems, she really did it to try to make her affair partner jealous and leave his wife for her, correct?

To me, it's obvious that she'll be starting up another affair as soon as the next opportunity comes along. She sounds pretty messed up and seems to lack any morals.

I don't know if you have the constitution for it, but could you stay in the marriage while YOU go back to school, or back to work, with an eye toward leaving her after YOU get YOURSELF set up in a better position financially? Use her while you set yourself up as she seems to have used you?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Man I feel your pain. 

It feels like you're that little chunk of steel the blacksmith is smashing with a hammer. It's hot and it burns and it sucks. 

But trust me that's how things are made, or made better. hang in there, and get yourself a good woman. 

I gotta say she sounds like a real piece of work. 

I would start improving yourself now, so that no matter what you come out of this better. Reach down and find whatever it is inside you, and I'd do it now. You have potential, and you don't need this woman, this woman needs you. Besides, could you really do worse? I mean..*maybe* if like you dated hitler or something. 

Don't be a doormat. I was a doormat too. That feeling is drugs and chemicals going wild in your brain, remember that and use your logic.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Trampled said:


> Sorry to double post.
> 
> The other thing is that this time she is willing to go through counselling (which she has never been willing to do before), I feel like I owe it to my daughter to give this every chance I can. I grew up in a stable home with both parents and I do want my daughter to have that as well.
> 
> ...


My wife went to counseling with me also for 4 months and still was seeing the guy and we spent over 3k on the counseling. Then she decided to tell me she didn't love me anymore.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Since you saw the texts and exactly what happened, it's kind of obvious that you're the backup plan. I just have one question about her most recent overnight - it was a lie when she said she did it to get back at you because you were crying on another woman's shoulder about your marital problems, *she really did it to try to make her affair partner jealous and leave his wife for her,* correct?
> 
> To me, it's obvious that *she'll be starting up another affair as soon as the next opportunity comes along*. She sounds pretty messed up and seems to lack any morals.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
She lost respect for you time ago, if she ever had (f0cking your husband best friend while he's hospitalized says it all).
I also suspects this is only the tip of the iceberg, there are a bunch of buried bodies in the backyard.


The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go
For the future:
No More Mr Nice Guy
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 ebook
Married Man's Sex Life


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

@JCD: Blunt - yes. Wrong - probably not.

I realize all of this, so why is it so bloody hard to just pull the trigger and start getting out? There is definitely fear regarding both fiscal and social changes in my life. I guess I'm just not sure how to go about rebuilding myself, and in some ways I feel like I'm too old to start over. Of course, if I wait for it to happen again, I'm just going to be older and it will be that much harder.


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

@Will_Kane: I did confront her with a whole bunch of stuff last night and she confirmed that the one night stand was to hurt the other man and that the fact that she was able to hurt me "was just icing". Even in malice, I come second.

I guess the only thing now is to figure out how to go about getting rid of her.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You can do it montage. - YouTube

Change is scary. But so isn't the thought of spending thousands of dollars to fix something that is unrepairable? If you stay, you will only be putting a bandaid on it....she is an OBVIOUS serial cheater with no plans to change and no concern for you.

YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HER. Take the leap for you. Whatever you end up with will be better than being a backup plan to the kind of person she is.

Love will come around again. Next time it will be with someone who puts you as their first and only choice.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Trampled said:


> @Will_Kane: I did confront her with a whole bunch of stuff last night and she confirmed that the one night stand was to hurt the other man and that the fact that she was able to hurt me "was just icing". Even in malice, I come second.
> 
> I guess the only thing now is to figure out how to go about getting rid of her.


Kick her out in the next 10 minutes. That is cold. Put her out in the cold. So sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry Trampled, go see legal council asap don't tell her just do it. If you need some space and she won't leave hit a motel this weekend don't tell her where you're going just go you need a mental break and some ic later I feel for ya.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Trampled said:


> * Even in malice, I come second.*


very perceptive...


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Did you expose the affair to the OM's wife? I might have missed that. If you haven't done that yet, start there. Sure, you marriage is dead and exposure won't help you save it, but at least you'll bring to light their betrayal and ruin whatever chance she has of starting it up again. 

Exposé to family second. Does she have any family in the area? Call them up and tell them EXACTLY what she's done. Tell them you will not tolerate her constant betrayals, and you will be throwing her things out. Ask them to pick her garbage off the sidewalk for her. 

Talk to a lawyer third. I'm sure you have some family fund you can take money from for the retainer. 
You'll never be able to move on if you just sit there and twiddle your thumbs. 
Get moving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trampled (Jan 31, 2013)

The OM's wife and I have been leaning on each other as a sort of support system since everything blew up. She is well aware of what happened - the difference is that this is the first time she's had to deal with this.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If I were you I would tell your wife to GTFO of the house. 

If she resists, then physically throw her out. I'm serious.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

staystrong said:


> If I were you I would tell your wife to GTFO of the house.
> 
> If she resists, then physically throw her out. I'm serious.


Completely agree.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pack her clothes in garbage bags and tell her to hit the pavement. Then tomorrow get the locks changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Folks, he loves her because he loves her. But is she worthy of his love? No. Of course she isn't!

Trampled, get your daughter's DNA tested, ASAP. This way when your wife gets to the divorce court she can't lie and pretend your daughter isn't your daughter.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Folks, he loves her because he loves her. But is she worthy of his love? No. Of course she isn't!
> 
> Trampled, get your daughter's DNA tested, ASAP. This way when your wife gets to the divorce court she can't lie and pretend your daughter isn't your daughter.


Of course he loves her. No one is questioning that. 

Problem is she doesn't love him....

And he needs to let that truth sink in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Of course he loves her. No one is questioning that.
> 
> Problem is she doesn't love him....
> 
> ...


She probably loves him but not enough to remain faithful. In fact, here's a thought... Her behaviour is so 'off' it's looking like being mentally ill.

Almost like she is punishing him for loving her?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No...no Matt I don't see any love there. 

I don't even see any "like" there. I just don't see it mate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

wow! 

you're wife is a F*CKING B1TCH, dude!

_seriously!_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So your wifes little plan totaly fell apart.
Cheat on OM to make hime leave his wife for her and that bacfires, wants a divorce and assuming she saw a lawyer and found out she will pay out the butt for it.

Now she wants you back and will do what ever it takes!

Interesting, what is her plan now?

I mean what is she going to do to address the fact that she is not emotionally healthy?

What is she going to do to prevent this kind of behavior from continuing?

Please let us know what her exact words are to these questions. I have to hear how great her conviction is.

Bottom line is I doubt she even knows she has a problem a character flaw, so how can she admit to it, own it and fix it?

I personally think your kid would be better off served having a great example of what a healthy relationship is when she sees her dad happy with someone else. In stead of being wittness to a very resentful father and a broken mother *trying* raise her in an unhealthy marriage.

Granted I'm all for R but in order to fix a marriage you wife needs to fix her self......and you could use some fixing your self. With that said, at least you don't have the deciet and malice your wife must face to be a emotionally healthier person.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here are a few suggestions to add to the obvious

Let me repeat them:

1) Get a job.

2) Get your own money. Split her paycheck, take it all, make majore cash withdrawals every week, but GET SOME MONEY OF YOUR OWN!

3) Get a legal document stating that while you are trying reconciliation, that your acceptance of her continued presence in the house in no way condones her prior adultery and that she understands this fact. It means if you sleep with her (don't!), she can't say 'well...he was OBVIOUSLY okay with me sleeping around if he didn't kick me out'. That is a legal principle. Not sure if it will work, but consult with two attorneys.

4) Agree. DNA test the daughter. See if you can get her to grant you a post nup custody agreement for your daughter. Judging from the wifes character (not currently detectable to modern science) she'll probably go along with this. Set up the child support at a slightly lower than state normal amount as a sweetner. She might sign off in th hopes that when the next stud *with a job* happens by, she can get away with paying less. The judge might not honor that part of the agreement...

5) Get started! Watch 'Death Becomes Her.' It is never too late to reboot your life. There is a lot of deadwood but it slowly gets burned away and you feel clean. 

6) Judging from your circumstance, stay a while. She will be in 'remorse' mode for a while, so get all the agreements and money that you can while you can (can you get a second mortgage on your home? Use it to pay for an education...and keep a bit for 'emergencies')

7) Get your car titled to you. A small thing but easy to forget. Is the house something you owned prior to her? The person who gets the kid, gets the house. Remember that.

Be hard on yourself! Take a picture of your sappy sad face and decide every day that you don't want to be that guy again! Motivate yourself!

I have faith in you even if your wife doesn't.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Trampled

Your wife is seriously broken as a person, woman and mother.

Send her packing. But before you do, sit down with an attorney and come up with a divorce plan.

Even in a no fault state you can name the OM. You can state infidelity.

Do it!

Get alimony.
Get child support.
Get custody.

Do it now before your wife gets an std or worse AIDS......

And if I was you I would not ever touch her again because the way she went right to match.com and did a one night stand speaks volumes about her mental state..

Your wife is a vampire. Stop letting her suck the life out of you.

And I also agree you daughters DNA should be tested.

Do not tell her about the lawyer just do it and hit her hard.

Do not let her make you Plan C. You and your daughter deserve better.

HM64


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