# Opened mouth. No trust just further underground



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Android phone. With him at all times. NO way for me to get it. Probably Wassup or maybe hangouts. Anyone know how to get these chats?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wait... what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Noooo!

Not Nobody Special...

Say it ain't so


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Make/Model?

Android version?

Carrier?

Are the two of you on a shared plan? If so, are you able to see call/texts logs online? Given your speculation re: Hangouts/WhatsApp, I'd guess so.

Are you thinking EA or PA?

Do you have his Google Play credentials?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yah right? We stopped that other thing when the "responsible" part of the non-monogamy kept being ... pushed. Verizon. Definitively not text. He has never really hidden from me before. Which is how I found the texts on Facebook. I was chatting with a buddy when something, not my computer, kept beeping. It was the tablet he had left logged in and forgotten about. We talked about it. He just wanted to feel wanted. I asked him if he wanted to work on marriage. He said yes. I asked if he were willing to tell her sexy time chat was not ok right now. Former partner we lost touch with since her own marriage was a wreck. Now divorced. Recently reconnected. He said he would and today said he did. BUt the conversation is also deleted. So I am betting a buck he just went to his phone, which as I said, NEVER leaves him. He sleeps with music on.

So Verizon, Android. I don't even care. I just want the hiding to stop. I want to know so I have info to base a decision on. He says he wants to work on the marriage but won't DO anything. He says when he finds a job he can do something. But he can manage sexy time with other people.... so...

Thanks


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

He does not use google play to my knowledge. Shared phone plan. I pay bills so can log in to Verizon. No texts to unknown numbers. He has his own wassup. I can get into his gmail. So unlikely he is doing it there.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Haaaaaa. Can't get to gmail. He used to have his password saved. No more.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EA at this time. It has been like 2 days. He SAYS he was drinking when she made the lets **** comment and he replied Let's do it. He says he wouldn't. But he also has said honesty is not that important to him. Say what? It used to be. But this is not ringing true as I think back since he admitted quickly switching from Facebook chat to video game when I walked in the room in the middle of the day.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No advice, NS, but am very sorry to read this. Take care, whatever you decide to do.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Noooo!
> 
> Not Nobody Special...
> 
> Say it ain't so


Right? Anyone who wants to tell me I am a total fool should feel free. I deserve it. Though I wish you wouldn't.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hangouts chats are sometimes available upon logging into Gmail via a browser on a computer, so you may be able to do that to have a look at them.

Unless, of course, he's changed his password.

Honestly, given your non-traditional relationship dynamic, I'd think that his apparent refusal to commit to transparency would be enough in terms of proof.

How often do issues like this tend to spring up?

How long has he been out of work?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Right? Anyone who wants to tell me I am a total fool should feel free. I deserve it. Though I wish you wouldn't.


Not going there. Everyone has a right to define the terms of their marriage, just so long as the other party (or parties) are on board... _and everything is *above board*._


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, his actions speak louder than his words.

So you ask him to open the app,, and no crap taken. He does or he doesn't.
You have your answer.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Calling ppl a fool sometime happen, but like Gus said, each his own.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Hangouts chats are sometimes available upon logging into Gmail via a browser on a computer, so you may be able to do that to have a look at them.
> 
> Unless, of course, he's changed his password.
> 
> ...


last part of the decade. But they had reasonable reasons and lack of clarity that made them seem justifiable. Full on underground and avoidance. A single day.



> He left his job to pursue an entrepreneurial endeavor a year ago with my full support. It made almost no money. He is looking to get a job now. He has good leads. I would wait until he is employed since I cannot afford an atrourney right now.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Not going there. Everyone has a right to define the terms of their marriage, just so long as the other party (or parties) are on board... _and everything is *above board*._


Thanks Gus. I appreciate it.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OldWolf57 said:


> Look, his actions speak louder than his words.
> 
> So you ask him to open the app,, and no crap taken. He does or he doesn't.
> You have your answer.


Yah this is the bottom line. He has stuff buttoned up. I don't even remember his wassup user name, forget the password.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, sit down, now takes some time to decide what EXACTLY you want,, or need.
If these are not met,, you go to the next stage,,, fixing or cutting your loses.
When I say fixing,, I'm talking him sleeping on couch with a time limit of finding somewhere to move.

You want this settled yesterday !!


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm not talking butthead hard as stuff. I'm talking about bringing a reality to his butt.

Look, I live my life in the gray area,, so nothing surprise me much, but there are somethings that are black and white to me.

The overriding one is " with me or not ".

Somethings I can't afford ppl close to me that I just don't trust.

No, your situ is not like that,, but when you add in heart and family,, it's even more !!


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

OldWolf57 said:


> I'm not talking butthead hard as stuff. I'm talking about bringing a reality to his butt.
> 
> Look, I live my life in the gray area,, so nothing surprise me much, but there are somethings that are black and white to me.
> 
> ...


For ME what is even more is how much giving and loving I have given. Only to be handed this. I don't deserve this. I am a ****ing rock star.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Then you take control !!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You aren't a fool you like most trusted him.

This is all on him and about him. He owns this 100%

This wasn't a mistake either. He did this knowingly and willingly.

Set him down and demand to see everything. That is your right.

Then tell him to get off his azz and get a job. Period.

There can be no reconciliation if he lies, hides or denies. 

If that's his game dump him immediately and find his replacement.

There are better men out there and you deserve it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> So Verizon, Android. I don't even care. I just want the hiding to stop. I want to know so I have info to base a decision on. He says he wants to work on the marriage but won't DO anything. He says when he finds a job he can do something. But he can manage sexy time with other people.... so...
> 
> Thanks


"I'm giving you one chance to get to keep me. Hand over ALL your electronics and open them up, and I'm going to put spyware on them and check your history to see who you're contacting. Moving forward, if I find any unexplainable contacts on ANY of your electronics - and if I find out you bought a NEW piece of electronics to use - I'll simply pack up my stuff [or HIS stuff if you need him to move], move out, and serve you with papers. And if you refuse to do that, right now - no, you don't get 5 minutes to think about it - I'll start packing."

ETA: Wait. He doesn't work?! WTH!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> For ME what is even more is how much giving and loving I have given. Only to be handed this. I don't deserve this. I am a ****ing rock star.


It would seem a name change is in order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Sorry to read about this


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bummer...


Sorry to hear this.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Right? Anyone who wants to tell me I am a total fool should feel free. I deserve it. Though I wish you wouldn't.


Hope you didn't read that wrong (I think you might have). 

I like you and was genuinely sorry that something bad might be happening to you.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

My approach will probably not win any awards. His claim is that he just wanted to feel wanted and attractive. Since we were doing the swinging/poly thing this is a-ok despite the fact that we had discussed how not ok it was recently as we discussed trying to fix our broken marriage. Well sheeit, 2 can play at that game. Went to the ******* account that I had not used in a while. I don't even have a pic up and had a posse lined up in minutes. 

Him: "Who you talking to".
Me: Jeff
Him: Who's Jeff.
Me: Guy I just met.
Him. Silence

Later when we were outside.

Him: So you re-opened your ******* account.
Me: Yup if you can get your emotional needs met elsewhere, so can I.
Him: I told you I told her nothing was ever going to happen. 
ME: You are still chatting with her.
Him: No I am not.
Me: I don't believe you. You changed your gmail password and removed it from history and deleted your Facebook convo.
Him: I deleted it because I did not think it was useful for you to see.
Me: I would like to decide for myself what is useful for me to see. But if you want me to believe you did not just go underground, show me your phone.
Him: I am not showing you my phone. If you don't believe me, you don't believe me. You need trust me. (Trying hard not to laugh now.)
Me: Trust? After all your lies? Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

Later
Me: So really I am not a moron, you won't show me your phone because you did just go underground.

Yup.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Hope you didn't read that wrong (I think you might have).
> 
> I like you and was genuinely sorry that something bad might be happening to you.


Aw. Thanks.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good for you!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> My approach will probably not win any awards. His claim is that he just wanted to feel wanted and attractive. Since we were doing the swinging/poly thing this is a-ok despite the fact that we had discussed how not ok it was recently as we discussed trying to fix our broken marriage. Well sheeit, 2 can play at that game. Went to the ******* account that I had not used in a while. I don't even have a pic up and had a posse lined up in minutes.
> 
> Him: "Who you talking to".
> Me: Jeff
> ...


That last "Yup." Was that out of his mouth?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> That last "Yup." Was that out of his mouth?
> 
> I'm so sorry you are going through this.
> 
> .


Worse. "Of course I went underground." Like that is obvious. When your wife says she wants to work on the marriage and you agree, lying will get you where you want to go! Woot!


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> Good for you!


Except I ****ed up the shame on whom business.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Worse. "Of course I went underground." Like that is obvious. When your wife says she wants to work on the marriage and you agree, lying will get you where you want to go! Woot!











_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Worse. "Of course I went underground." Like that is obvious. When your wife says she wants to work on the marriage and you agree, lying will get you where you want to go! Woot!


OMG, what a jerk (sorry) !


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This really sucks. He told you everything you need to know.

Now, what do you intend to do about it?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> This really sucks. He told you everything you need to know.
> 
> Now, what do you intend to do about it?


Protect my children. Always protect my children. And discuss this with my family member who is a lawyer. Find out what one does to acquire a lawyer one cannot afford.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Oh and not give any more marriage advice! And maybe hook up with a chew toy.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Except I ****ed up the shame on whom business.


Caught that. Knew what you meant, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh and not give any more marriage advice! And maybe * hook up with a chew toy*.


I'd imagine it is really intense to be a chew toy involved in a hookup.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ExiledBayStater said:


> I'd imagine it is really intense to be a chew toy involved in a hookup.


I am very honest. Chew toy is a term coined by a divorced friend looking for FWB and not much more. I was not serious. I am feeling at times empowered and at times pretty low.


----------



## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am very honest. Chew toy is a term coined by a divorced friend looking for FWB and not much more. I was not serious. I am feeling at times empowered and at times pretty low.


Oh okay. I thought for sure there would be teeth marks.

Be good to yourself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> Except I ****ed up the shame on whom business.


I don't care. You SHOWED him by giving him a taste of his own medicine. Only up from here.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes. Talk about condemned out of his own mouth!


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Peaceful. Whatever happens, I am in full control. Not happy. Super lonely. But I have been for a long time. Kids and I come first. Thank you all for your support. It means a lot to me.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh and not give any more marriage advice! And maybe hook up with a chew toy.


Its always easier to be wise and objective about other people's problems, not so easy with our own. Dont stop giving advice, you are one of the wise ones. I am sorry about your situation and hope you can resolve it in the best possible way for you and your kids.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

He opened his phone. Had a good, very honest conversation. No lies (demonstrably). He does not seem to be doing any of the classic affair **** like rug sweeping. The only thing is some magic thinking which I dope slapped the hell out of. He showed me the conversation where he told the OW to go away, he is not interested. He agreed to be completely open and transparent. He agrees that what he was doing was dangerous to a relationship in trouble. He admitted to some stuff that he had no reason to admit. No chance whatsoever of getting "caught". Of course, I am not blameless in all this. In a relationship of 2 people, no one person ever is. He has totally owned his ****. Slow and steady. See where we get.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> He opened his phone. Had a good, very honest conversation. No lies (demonstrably). He does not seem to be doing any of the classic affair **** like rug sweeping. The only thing is some magic thinking which I dope slapped the hell out of. He showed me the conversation where he told the OW to go away, he is not interested. He agreed to be completely open and transparent. He agrees that what he was doing was dangerous to a relationship in trouble. He admitted to some stuff that he had no reason to admit. No chance whatsoever of getting "caught". *Of course, I am not blameless in all this. In a relationship of 2 people, no one person ever is.* He has totally owned his ****. Slow and steady. See where we get.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'd be wary, he may have edited what he could show you. At least he's offered to be open moving forward. Keep both eyes open. 

Also read this post as though you're from the outside. Do exactly as you would suggest to any other poster going through this. Seems you are already but I just wanted to reinforce that. 

Oh, and don't stop posting. When you're in the thick of things, it's not easy to be objective.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you are randomly checking his electronics, when he doesn't expect it. And I would still put a VAR in his car, etc. He doesn't deserve your trust. Not yet.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Satya said:


> I'd be wary, he may have edited what he could show you. At least he's offered to be open moving forward. Keep both eyes open.
> 
> Also read this post as though you're from the outside. Do exactly as you would suggest to any other poster going through this. Seems you are already but I just wanted to reinforce that.
> 
> Oh, and *don't stop posting*. When you're in the thick of things, it's not easy to be objective.


I have actually taken this to a different forum with an audience with more experience with our specific issues. You guys are frickin awesome. But our lifestyle exposes issues that are a little tricky to understand. Thanks for your help!


----------

