# On-line dating bout to throw in the towel.



## jlcrome

After many many months on POF (only one I use) I came to the conclusion that OLD isn't just working. As a guy 48 years old a lot going for me I see a common denominator in OLD. I have been on about 15-20 dates so yes you can actually meet people BUT.... it comes with disappointments and fustrations. From a guy's persepctive it comes across sort of like this. A youtube video I watched the other day (nothing related to OLD) it was just an animated video about life in general. It was a small bit in the video thay stood out it shows a character receiving the newest Iphone then a second later he threw it away and received an even newer Iphone and eventually toss it away and keep receiving a newer Iphone and the process never ceased. This reminds me of OLD more and more people are just conditioning themselves to keep trading upwards to no end. 
I keep seeing the same women who
Been on OLD probably for a very very long time. It's hard to wrap my head around that even them can't even find one. The women I meet do come across as a type that's on a quest to find mr. awesome bars a set way too high. 
OLD does need a.major overhaul and be innovated to be more effective. More filters to block messages automaticlly, background checks, maybe a 1 on 1 message system by request, maybe a merger of all OLD to get a bigger pool. But other than that way it is as OLD is now it just crap shot.


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## Andy1001

jlcrome said:


> After many many months on POF (only one I use) I came to the conclusion that OLD isn't just working. As a guy 48 years old a lot going for me I see a common denominator in OLD. I have been on about 15-20 dates so yes you can actually meet people BUT.... it comes with disappointments and fustrations. From a guy's persepctive it comes across sort of like this. A youtube video I watched the other day (nothing related to OLD) it was just an animated video about life in general. It was a small bit in the video thay stood out it shows a character receiving the newest Iphone then a second later he threw it away and received an even newer Iphone and eventually toss it away and keep receiving a newer Iphone and the process never ceased. This reminds me of OLD more and more people are just conditioning themselves to keep trading upwards to no end.
> I keep seeing the same women who
> Been on OLD probably for a very very long time. It's hard to wrap my head around that even them can't even find one. The women I meet do come across as a type that's on a quest to find mr. awesome bars a set way too high.
> OLD does need a.major overhaul and be innovated to be more effective. More filters to block messages automaticlly, background checks, maybe a 1 on 1 message system by request, maybe a merger of all OLD to get a bigger pool. But other than that way it is as OLD is now it just crap shot.


I’ll start by saying I’ve never used online dating.
However, OLD is like everything else in life in that you get what you pay for. Some people who use it only use the premium sites,in other words the ones you have to pay for. 
They seem to have more success. 
Just a suggestion.


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## john117

Look up Melani Robinson's one year of OLD at age 50 blog. In NYC, mind y'all. Not Covington KY. 

I haven't created a profile yet tho my lab rats threaten to create one for me. I'm 59, newly single, and TBH all I want is to be left alone, not having to deal with 3x a week dates, coffees, socials, or poetry readings. The last was the most effective way 40 years ago in college in Europe, but attracted young commie girls who were worse than the Hare Krishna's after a couple of dates...



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## Lila

jlcrome said:


> After many many months on POF (only one I use) I came to the conclusion that OLD isn't just working. As a guy 48 years old a lot going for me I see a common denominator in OLD. I have been on about 15-20 dates so yes you can actually meet people BUT.... it comes with disappointments and fustrations. *From a guy's persepctive* it comes across sort of like this. A youtube video I watched the other day (nothing related to OLD) it was just an animated video about life in general. It was a small bit in the video thay stood out it shows a character receiving the newest Iphone then a second later he threw it away and received an even newer Iphone and eventually toss it away and keep receiving a newer Iphone and the process never ceased. *This reminds me of OLD more and more people are just conditioning themselves to keep trading upwards to no end. *


It works the same for women. I've mentioned it here before but Google Paradox of Choice and Fallacy of Abundance Mentality. Both of those combine to create what we now know as modern dating. 





> I keep seeing the same women who Been on OLD probably for a very very long time. It's hard to wrap my head around that even them can't even find one. *The women I meet do come across as a type that's on a quest to find mr. awesome bars a set way too high.*


Have you had women message you who you chose to either ignore or gently turn down? Did all of your dates pass you up for "better" or were there some that you chose not to see anymore? 

I was on OLD for a short time but I can assure you, I saw the same thing but from the other side..... Middle aged men who only want to date young, hot women or were looking for all of the advantages of a relationship without commitment or anything in return. The fallacy of abundance mentality is gender neutral. 




> OLD does need a.major overhaul and be innovated to be more effective. More filters to block messages automaticlly, background checks, maybe a 1 on 1 message system by request, maybe a merger of all OLD to get a bigger pool. But other than that way it is as OLD is now it just crap shot.


OLD is a business. Their goal is not to make happy couples. Their goal is make money. It's like a casino. A handful of big winners makes for an endless supply of losers.


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## Laurentium

john117 said:


> I'm 59, newly single, and TBH all I want is to be left alone, not having to deal with 3x a week dates, coffees, socials, or poetry readings. The last was the most effective way 40 years ago in college in Europe, but attracted young commie girls who were worse than the Hare Krishna's after a couple of dates...


That's about where I'm at too. 



Lila said:


> It works the same for women.


I'm sure it does, though perhaps the mechanics are different. 



> Have you had women message you who you chose to either ignore or gently turn down?


I never had a woman message me. As far as I know, that never happens in my demographic. 



> Middle aged men who only want to date young, hot women or were looking for all of the advantages of a relationship without commitment or anything in return.


Not sure if I count as middle aged, being about the same age as John, but I was looking for a committed relationship with someone my own age. My minimum requirement was that they be sane, although I didn't state that on my profile. 

I have since given up on it and taken my profile down.


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Not sure if I count as middle aged, being about the same age as John, but I was looking for a committed relationship with someone my own age. My minimum requirement was that they be sane, although I didn't state that on my profile.
> 
> I have since given up on it and taken my profile down.


You have not been able to find a sane person to date?


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> You have not been able to find a she person to date?


Not online. I found two in real life - neither worked out long-term.


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> You have not been able to find a she person to date?
> 
> 
> 
> Not online. I found two in real life - neither worked out long-term.
Click to expand...

That was supposed to say *sane* person.


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> That was supposed to say *sane* person.


Oh. In that case, same answer, but only one.


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## BigToe

You know what bothers me...people who feel the need to use acronyms unnecessarily.

Regarding dating sites, my response to you is to get use to it. While I share your feelings regarding some of your observations, the fact is, that's just the way it is. Any FREE dating site, POF in particular, is going to attract people who are not exactly the cream of the crop. If you want better quality, you're going to have to pay for it. However, better quality does not equate to better matches. Dating at age 50+ is not like dating when we were kids. Getting dates is easy if you aren't choosy, but finding a person for a "relationship" is very hard. I've met women that were VERY interested in me, but I just couldn't see myself with them long term. I've also met women that I was VERY interested in, but they couldn't see themselves with me long term. So you have two choices, settle and hope it lasts; or keep trying to find the right one. My personal belief is that too many people "settle" and that's why there are so many divorces and broken relationships. I also believe that if you are going to "settle" you can do that anytime, with any person, so waiting a bit longer isn't costing you anything.

Again, you will find more "real" and "genuine" people on places like Match, eHarmony, Our Time, and other sites where paying is a prerequisite. However, in my experience those "pay" sites haven't resulted in a long term match.


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Oh. In that case, same answer, but only one.


I don't deny that the women you dated were crazy but that does not mean there aren't any sane women doing online dating. You might not find the sane ones attractive.


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## Robert22205

I'm too old for online dating but my son (mid 30s) tried it (a lot) and shared everything (including his password). He even asked me to help draft his profile and opening lines when reaching out. I had a lot of fun discussing the 'options' with him (he pretty much ignored my opinions). 

He was online in DC, Richmond, and last in LA for about a year in each city. He had lots of dates with a variety of women culminating in finding a steady.
He's now engaged to a woman he met on Match. 

He was looking for a life partner vs casual dating. 

You get what you pay for. My son tried POF (free), and E-harmony, and Match.

POF was free and the women were either not serious or sort of sketchy and lied about themselves.

Eharmony was a slow process of questions & answers. He found that there were too many that enjoyed the time consuming text exchange but would never meet up (wasting your time).

Match turned out to be more his speed. After one text exchange establishing a common interest he would suggest coffee or a drink.
He found that meeting face to face saved a lot of time. 

In his experience, there's a lot of women (but not all) just looking for (Mr Money) or a free meal on Match so never offer supper for the first contact. First meet for a drink or coffee (he called them interviews) and then roll it into supper or lunch if you hit it off. 

Here's what worked for his profile.

- pictures showing him doing an activities that reflected his interests or tells something about himself

- his profile was developed over months of trial and error. It eventually was light hearted, upbeat and general but provided just enough information to convey he was a real and interesting person. People can over analyze and/or misinterpret the profile so no laundry list of what you're looking for, or venting about liars, poor communicators or past relationshiops, politics or religion. Your profile is about you.

- dont lie or exaggerate or fail to mention something that you know will be a deal breaker for most women (it wastes time) 

- guys have to reach out first with a text (women not so much). It's a lot of work to create an effective first text that gets a response. He had a 5% response rate.

- The general format for the first text (that seemed to work the best based on trial & error) was: the first sentence opened with something personal from their profile intended to make a connection (something you have in common or find interesting). The second sentence was something about him that was not in the profile (something women might find surprising). Then the third sentence asked her a question (either a specific question based on her profile ...or something like 'tell me something about yourself that's not in your profile'). 

- Including a question in every subsequent text gets the highest response.

Good luck!


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> I don't deny that the women you dated were crazy but that does not mean there aren't any sane women doing online dating. You might not find the sane ones attractive.


Yeah, this is true, and as I said, I suspect OLD is equally frustrating for both sexes. By the way, the site I was using was match.com


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, this is true, and as I said, I suspect OLD is equally frustrating for both sexes. By the way, the site I was using was match.com


I was on match as well. Paid for 3 months but deleted my profile after 1 month. Went on a lot of dates during that time which helped me figure out OLD is not for me. 

I will say this... Based on everything I've read, free websites like OKC, bumble, tinder and the others are no better than pay sites like match. The same people on match can be found on the free sites.


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## Diana7

As someone who met her husband via OLD, my advise is to never go on free sites, far too many scammers and people who aren't genuine, and never go onto international sites. Find one for your area/country. Don't go onto tinder or similar, you wont find a decent partner there. 
I only went onto British sites, and the one I met my husband on was one that was actually from my part of the country. 

More advise. Don't think its a fast fix. I was on OLD for 2 years before I met my husband. In fact I was just about to come off when he came on. There was literally just a few days over lap. I know a lady who was on OLD for 7 years, she eventually met a lovely man who she is now happily married to. 

Don't leave it long before you meet up. We actually only lived 40 min's drive from each other, and met after only 4 days of first contact. Don't met up just because, only meet up with people who you know would be suitable for you if it did work out. 
I only met up with 3 men before I met my husband, although I did talk on line with others.


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## john117

Lila said:


> You have not been able to find a sane person to date?


Those who are single in our demographic are largely so because of, um, intangibles . 

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## Spicy

My H had online dated since it started. He took so many breaks because of exactly what you describe. To me...he’s hot, great sense of humor, and has his crap together. So why couldn’t he find someone compatible?

He said all the women were dating lots of different men and searching for this golden one...who of course doesn’t exist.

All I can say is, maybe look for other newly divorced people who know they want to get into another committed relationship. I was newly divorced, and had been married over 20 years and joined POF at about 40. I was painfully honest on my profile. I was only on there a few weeks as I met DH very quickly. So, some good ones are out there, but since it sounds like they are few and far between, you are kinda stuck sorting through the others. It would be great if you could weed out the ones that are dating for sport. 

Perhaps the paid ones are the way to go like Andy said.


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## Laurentium

Spicy said:


> He said all the women were dating lots of different men


Oh, I would rule someone out for that straight away.


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## Lila

john117 said:


> Those who are single in our demographic are largely so because of, um, intangibles .
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


I would like to think I'm single not because I'm insane but because I got dealt a **** hand. But yeah maybe I am insane and like all crazy people, think everyone else are the crazy ones.


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Spicy said:
> 
> 
> 
> He said all the women were dating lots of different men
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, I would rule someone out for that straight away.
Click to expand...

 @Laurentium I'm curious.... When do you expect a woman to stop dating lots of different men? After the first date? Second? Third?


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## Spicy

Laurentium said:


> Oh, I would rule someone out for that straight away.


Exactly, and he wished each one of them well, and never saw them again. 

I also would never date someone that is dating others. I know a large majority of people do, but it’s not for me. I don’t share, or play well with others when it comes to my man. My theory was if the men are in THAT big of a hurry that they needed to be dating someone different 3 nights a week to find someone compatible, they were not who I was looking for. 

That being said, would I have felt differently after OLD for a long time? Interesting to consider...but I massively doubt it. It’s how I’m wired.


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## Spicy

Lila said:


> @Laurentium I'm curious.... When do you expect a woman to stop dating lots of different men? After the first date? Second? Third?


My answer above summarizes this, but I was clear in my profile and in chatting that I was only interested in dating one person at a time. So if we met, hit it off and decided we wanted to keep seeing each other, I would want his focus to be only on me, and I on him. I know pretty quick if someone is compatible or not. I’m not a “he will grow on me” or “let me discover all sides of him type of person.” I’m more of the either we click or we don’t.


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## john117

Lila said:


> I would like to think I'm single not because I'm insane but because I got dealt a **** hand. But yeah maybe I am insane and like all crazy people, think everyone else are the crazy ones.


If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way.

It's like hiring a pro basketball coach. They all have a past. Some good, some bad, some ugly. But they always move on and find a gig. 

At our age it doesn't matter. We're too experienced to expect unicorns and rainbows. I'd rather go for acceptance. Not many 50+ women would fall for a temperamental and often immature guy with aging rock star unruly longish hair, a wry sense of humor, and so on. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist

Lila said:


> I would like to think I'm single not because I'm insane *but because I got dealt a **** hand*. But yeah maybe I am insane and like all crazy people, think everyone else are the crazy ones.


You keep looking at this like an obstacle... objects in the rearview mirror look larger than they actually are.


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> I'm curious.... When do you expect a woman to stop dating lots of different men? After the first date? Second? Third?


I need first to reiterate that this is me. I am not making a recommendation for others. And this may well be an age and/or culture thing. I have a strong suspicion that parts of the US do this very differently from where I live. So I am not saying what anyone "should" do. 

The answer to your question is, I would not be dating someone who was already dating more than one person. If that was their approach, I wouldn't "expect" them to change it, I just wouldn't be interested. It suggests to me someone who wants to do dating, rather than someone who wants to be in a relationship. Who really isn't ready to get too deep. But, as I said, maybe it is customary where you are.

From my perspective, it almost reads like I wrote I wouldn't date anyone who does drugs, and someone asked me "when do you expect them to stop, first second or third date". I don't expect them to stop for me.


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## delupt

I've been on and off OLD for the last 4 years since my D ... I missed the early hay-days of when OLD actually worked (equally for men and women), but nevertheless I have occasionally found women who have become somewhat serious. But it's a numbers game for most men. 

Given that over 50% of the accounts are either dead, just cam-thots or girls living in Eastern Russia or West Africa (contrary to their profiles), actually getting a local girl is tough. If you like or message 100 girls, you'd be lucky to get 10 local-ish girls that respond and converse. From that 100, maybe one turns into a real date ... once theyé proven they have a sense of humour and are not overweight (despite the cleverly-misleadingly taken profile photos). Certainly think OKC, Tinder and Happn are the best, PoF, Lovoo and all this 'international' sites are a waste. I tried the Match and eHarmony pay sites a few years ago, but never again, just corporates looking for marriage.

But the reason I keep going back is mostly for my own amusement ... I'm an optimist and I enjoy the pre-selection text banter, realising it has very little chance of going anywhere. But at 50+, finding slim and ideally long-haired women in their 40s or early 50s online is tough and never justifies the time and effort needed to close a deal ... so if you don't enjoy the banter element, steer clear of OLD; women get to pick and choose from all the thirstly betas (even very average women get 100s of likes and messages per day), and standing out needs strong online game ... 

I have more success in real world (I play in a few local bands), but as I'm home with my kids most of the time, OLD presents some amusing diversion, enjoy it for that.


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## NobodySpecial

Spicy said:


> Exactly, and he wished each one of them well, and never saw them again.
> 
> I also would never date someone that is dating others. I know a large majority of people do, but it’s not for me. I don’t share, or play well with others when it comes to my man. My theory was if the men are in THAT big of a hurry that they needed to be dating someone different 3 nights a week to find someone compatible, they were not who I was looking for.
> 
> That being said, would I have felt differently after OLD for a long time? Interesting to consider...but I massively doubt it. It’s how I’m wired.


If you and OLD and DON'T date several people, what do you do? Pay for huge swatches of time so you only date one at a time until you find someone you want to hang with? That seems weird to me. Serial dating does not seem somehow better to me.


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## Lila

Spicy said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> @Laurentium I'm curious.... When do you expect a woman to stop dating lots of different men? After the first date? Second? Third?
> 
> 
> 
> My answer above summarizes this, but I was clear in my profile and in chatting that I was only interested in dating one person at a time. So if we met, hit it off and decided we wanted to keep seeing each other, I would want his focus to be only on me, and I on him. I know pretty quick if someone is compatible or not. I’m not a “he will grow on me” or “let me discover all sides of him type of person.” I’m more of the either we click or we don’t.
Click to expand...

 @Spicy, how long ago were you in OLD?


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## Lila

Laurentium;1986pers said:


> I need first to reiterate that this is me. I am not making a recommendation for others. And this may well be an age and/or culture thing. I have a strong suspicion that parts of the US do this very differently from where I live. So I am not saying what anyone "should" do.
> 
> The answer to your question is, I would not be dating someone who was already dating more than one person. If that was their approach, I wouldn't "expect" them to change it, I just wouldn't be interested. It suggests to me someone who wants to do dating, rather than someone who wants to be in a relationship. Who really isn't ready to get too deep. But, as I said, maybe it is customary where you are.
> 
> From my perspective, it almost reads like I wrote I wouldn't date anyone who does drugs, and someone asked me "when do you expect them to stop, first second or third date". I don't expect them to stop for me.


I'm not picking on you but just trying to understand your approach to dating. When you say "I would not be dating someone who was already dating more than one person" what does "dating" mean to you? Is that meeting for coffee after chatting online or after the second or third date when you've established there's a connection?


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## Spicy

Lila said:


> @Spicy, how long ago were you in OLD?


5 years ago hun.


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## NobodySpecial

john117 said:


> If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way.
> 
> It's like hiring a pro basketball coach. They all have a past. Some good, some bad, some ugly. But they always move on and find a gig.
> 
> At our age it doesn't matter. We're too experienced to expect unicorns and rainbows. I'd rather go for acceptance. Not many 50+ women would fall for a temperamental and often immature guy with aging rock star unruly longish hair, a wry sense of humor, and so on.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


You don't look like Bilbo?


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## 2ntnuf

Laurentium said:


> That's about where I'm at too.
> 
> I'm sure it does, though perhaps the mechanics are different.
> 
> 
> I never had a woman message me. As far as I know, that never happens in my demographic.
> 
> 
> Not sure if I count as middle aged, being about the same age as John, but I was looking for a committed relationship with someone my own age. *My minimum requirement was that they be sane,* although I didn't state that on my profile.
> 
> *I have since given up on it* and taken my profile down.


Doubt you meant it that way, but it just tickled me to no end. I'm sure there are many women who think the same. I always figured, by my age, most of what is left out there is damaged, like me.(57 in September)


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## Spicy

NobodySpecial said:


> If you and OLD and DON'T date several people, what do you do? Pay for huge swatches of time so you only date one at a time until you find someone you want to hang with? That seems weird to me. Serial dating does not seem somehow better to me.


Like I’ve said, I’m not a good example for this because I online dated for only a few weeks. I base a lot of my opinion on my H’s well over a decade of it, and the stories he tells. He also would never date several people at once.

But to answer your question, IRL I never dated multiple people at once. Mind you, this was over 25 years ago! I dated one person at a time. It was like we went through the qualifying stage of getting to know each other, then started dating. I would have never thought to date two or more people at the same time.

This is just me, I know most people do this much differently. I was looking for someone who held the same standard, as was my H. We were very happy to have found each other.


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## Lila

Spicy said:


> But to answer your question, IRL I never dated multiple people at once. Mind you, this was over 25 years ago! I dated one person at a time. It was like we went through the qualifying stage of getting to know each other, then started dating. I would have never thought to date two or more people at the same time.


Okay I think my disconnect here is how we are each define "dating". I am using the term to mean going on dates as part of the the qualifying stage process but there is "dating" as in two people seeing each other exclusively.


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> Okay I think my disconnect here is how we are each define "dating". I am using the term to mean going on dates as part of the the qualifying stage process but there is "dating" as in two people seeing each other exclusively.


Okay, maybe we are getting closer to mutual comprehension. 

So when you are doing this qualifying stage process, *do you see the person more than once?* And if so, presumably you are thinking, this *could* possibly be the person you are looking for. Otherwise why see them again? For me, finding such a person was a rare enough event (like maybe once a year?) that it would be inconceivable, at the same time, to invite (or accept invitations) for more other dates with other people. 

If someone's doing that, it communicates to me "hey, almost anyone will do", or else "I am prepared to endure multiple dates with someone who clearly isn't suitable". 

Most people I can rule out immediately from their profile. Of the remaining few, I might message them, but 90% will not reply. 

If someone said to me "there are multiple guys I went on a first date with from the site, but I'm not seeing any of them again", I wouldn't call that "dating multiple people", because they are sequential, not concurrent. 

If, on the other hand, "dating multiple men" means there are several men that you need more dates with in order to complete your "qualifying process", like there are several candidates who have made the short list, and more still being recruited, then I am likely to think that you just like dating and evaluating and shopping around. To me that whole process is frightful, particularly the bit about having to say NO to people, and hearing their stories about the predicaments they are in. The less I can see of it the better.


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## Lila

Laurentium said:


> Okay, maybe we are getting closer to mutual comprehension.
> 
> So when you are doing this qualifying stage process, *do you see the person more than once?* And if so, presumably you are thinking, this *could* possibly be the person you are looking for. Otherwise why see them again? For me, finding such a person was a rare enough event (like maybe once a year?) that it would be inconceivable, at the same time, to invite (or accept invitations) for more other dates with other people.
> 
> If someone's doing that, it communicates to me "hey, almost anyone will do", or else "I am prepared to endure multiple dates with someone who clearly isn't suitable".
> 
> Most people I can rule out immediately from their profile. Of the remaining few, I might message them, but 90% will not reply.
> 
> If someone said to me "there are multiple guys I went on a first date with from the site, but I'm not seeing any of them again", I wouldn't call that "dating multiple people", because they are sequential, not concurrent.
> 
> If, on the other hand, "dating multiple men" means there are several men that you need more dates with in order to complete your "qualifying process", like there are several candidates who have made the short list, and more still being recruited, then I am likely to think that you just like dating and evaluating and shopping around. To me that whole process is frightful, particularly the bit about having to say NO to people, and hearing their stories about the predicaments they are in. The less I can see of it the better.


We disagree on the basic premise of "dating" but that's okay. 

I don't believe in "the spark" or love at first sight. I make friends easily but there has to be all of the other things to make a romantic relationship. One date is not enough for me to determine if there's enough substance there to consider something more serious. 

I do believe in dating multiple people as part of the getting to know you process. As someone else said, it's a numbers game for both men and women. Finding the right combination of qualities and faults that will be compatible is like finding a needle in a haystack.


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## Laurentium

Lila said:


> We disagree on the basic premise of "dating" but that's okay.


Yes, I agree. It is okay. 



> I don't believe in "the spark" or love at first sight. ... One date is not enough for me to determine if there's enough substance there to consider something more serious.


I agree there too. For me, it takes many months. And I don't think I could go through that process with more than one person in parallel at the same time. (And they also are seeing multiple people?) I'm not even sure you start to find out about the "more" that needs to be there, until you are exclusive. 

But I certainly don't want to offer advice here. As I said, my strategy hasn't worked. I've given up. I am in no position to argue a case.


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## bkyln309

POF is the bottom of the bucket as far as dating quality people. Though I will say I have been on several free and paid sites. Most people were on all the sites (*******, Match, POF etc) and it being a paid site didnt really make a difference. 

OLD is a numbers game. You have to do alot of weeding out but there are genuine and good people online. 

My experience: men in our age bracket (late 40s early 50s) want much younger and hotter women. The problem is they over value what they bring to the table. Fat balding guy with a stalled career wants super model hot woman with few flaws. But they dont look in the mirror of who they are and what is realistic for someone like themselves. At best they deserve average.

They seem to get offended when average women put expectations of decency on them, call them crazy women because they claim women have too long of a list of things they want from a man. Sorry buddy but the needle goes both ways. I am not putting up with BS at this point in my life. I really dont need a man but I like to have one around. I am a successful and decent looking woman. I do have expectations of my own.


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## Spicy

Lila said:


> We disagree on the basic premise of "dating" but that's okay.
> 
> I don't believe in "the spark" or love at first sight. I make friends easily but there has to be all of the other things to make a romantic relationship. One date is not enough for me to determine if there's enough substance there to consider something more serious.


This is a hard one because I have experienced it both ways. For most of the guys I dated before I got married in my 20s I can only think of one there was a spark with right away. With my XH it was long term friendship first, that turned into love. That was cool, had many layers to it. With my H now, I was fairly sure the whole world heard the spark, and were burned by the flames. It was first date “epic spark”. 

On every level. > I would love all my lovely friends on TAM that are still looking, to meet this person if they exisit for others!


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

I went on 50 dates with 50 different women in one year via OLD. 5 lead to second dates. One became a GF for 4 months. Every step along the way was fun. Enjoyed every second of it. 

Not sure why people are so negative about OLD. What great time to be alive. You think there’s a spark you message them or swipe right. Imagine telling yourself 20 years ago that this is how dating would look like.

I must preface, by stating that I have my sh*t together. I spent 2 years of no dating. I hit the gym. I had 4 job promotions in that span. I was ready to date. 
The dates were fun, because it was practice. Most of the women were fun, but not marriage material. And I called them out on it.

In the end, met my W and living the Dream.


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## Not

I joined POF back in February and learned pretty quickly to set my profile to hidden so I could browse through the profiles without being bombarded by all the regulars that’ve been on there forever and from having to turn men down, I hated that part. I’m currently seeing a guy I chose from all those profiles I looked through.

The problem with being hidden though is that all the men who’ve also figured that being hidden is better couldn’t see me and I couldn’t see them and I think they’re probably the ones I would’ve liked lol! 

R.E.: the chemistry or spark. I felt nothing with each man I dated except this last one. There was an immediate attraction and it wasn’t physical though the physical attraction is there. I think what that is is a genuine interest in the other person and each feels it and knows the other feels it so it sort of self feeds and gets a little intense. Being 47 years old though I know something like this is temporary and can’t last but man it sure is nice. I’ll enjoy it for as long as I can.


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## Sauvie Island

I think this thread has forwarned me about OLD, because I have been contemplating trying it but now am thoroughly unamused. I am somewhat recently divorced and recovering from what was a life-threatening case of appendicitis...being in my early 40's and starting over never ceases to feel daunting, especially when you enjoy your creative introversion.
The *'Gold-Digger' mentality* nauseates me, mostly because I'm starting over financially as well. The 'looks' and 'body type' is not really an issue as I stay active, but when they find out my vehicle was re-po'd and I'm shacking up in someones spare bedroom until I'm cleared to work lol...yeah...I've seen enough movies to see how that'll play out.
But finding your_ 'soul-mate'_ in the comfort of your room on a PC...love the *concept*!
Hitting on a woman _for real_ at (insert ****ty restaurant here) lol...maybe after I've read a book or went to a seminar on that stuff.


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## Faithful Wife

Sauvie Island said:


> I think this thread has forwarned me about OLD, because I have been contemplating trying it but now am thoroughly unamused. I am somewhat recently divorced and recovering from what was a life-threatening case of appendicitis...being in my early 40's and starting over never ceases to feel daunting, especially when you enjoy your creative introversion.
> The *'Gold-Digger' mentality* nauseates me, mostly because I'm starting over financially as well. The 'looks' and 'body type' is not really an issue as I stay active, but when they find out my vehicle was re-po'd and I'm shacking up in someones spare bedroom until I'm cleared to work lol...yeah...I've seen enough movies to see how that'll play out.
> But finding your_ 'soul-mate'_ in the comfort of your room on a PC...love the *concept*!
> Hitting on a woman _for real_ at (insert ****ty restaurant here) lol...maybe after I've read a book or went to a seminar on that stuff.


In your case, you can still have fun and flirt and text online just to test it out. Never meet for dates until you feel you have your mojo back. In the meantime, tell them the truth (I’m not actually ready to date but I’m just saying hello to people who seem fun).

Some women have fun with just texting a guy for awhile, no strings. Sometimes we also have reasons why we can’t just say hey come over tonight we have the whole place to ourselves!

In my case, my mom lives with me home bound. (Not for long though!)

This could be a way you can see what people are talking about without actually going on any dates if you don’t want to.

And who knows you may meet a gal who is also down on her luck and getting back on her feet and flopping on a couch for a bit. Those are out there too.

Not saying there’s any guarantees! But if you look at OLD in a certain way it can always be fun and zero risk if you want that. Also free! I recommend bumble though and get the one week $9 account. Put up a few pics and short wording. Mine literally says “just bumbling”. I saw a cute hunk once whose just said “serial killer”. So I totally matched and messaged him and said “what are the odds! Me too!”

If women think you are cute they are going to match you and then message you. And the women have to message first at Bumble so they are the ones taking the first step/risk. If you match a lady and she messages you “hey you look like my next husband!” You have the option of not even responding and then you will be unmatched and she can’t message you at all anymore.

The reason you should pay for one week is because then you can see who has liked you. From there you can decide to like them back or not. As well as swiping from all of them too which is fun. But knowing who swiped you first is advantageous.

It’s fun to talk to random cute strangers! We are not all looking for looooooove.


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## Sauvie Island

I'm sure it's just a change of mindset one has to welcome. 
A married mindset of permanence (or so I thought HA!) and 'through thick and thin', and kiddos etc etc et al, *vs* uh...dare I say, a frivolously fun attitude and outlook?!
My head's about to explode; I will crawl out from beneath this rock maybe in a few more months, once I've wrapped my mind around all of that supposed freedom and happiness.
:grin2:


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## TomNebraska

I think you need to have the right mindset. All these sites now are for-profit (even ******* tries to railroad you into paying to promote your profile and for a premium account), so their incentives are obviously for you to subscribe & spend as much money for as long as possible, not meet a great match in one week and quit.

From a male perspective... 
I read a study where the author created a bunch of female and male profiles, of varying attractiveness as rated by a panel, and observed the results. The most attractive female profiles quickly got bombarded with messages, and had their inboxes maxed out in a couple days.

The most attractive male profiles _still _received fewer messages than the avg. female profiles. But even "average" women would've had a hard time sifting through the "noise" and finding decent guys to date, due to the amount of messages received.

Connecting with someone really comes down to luck, I think; gotta get to them before the mob comes in, while they're looking to connect. 

In my own experience, I signed up for an ******* profile, about 6 months after separating, around the time my divorce was close to being finalized. I had used ******* back in my 20's when I was single, and usually found a date on a weekly basis... none that went anywhere, but it was fun. 

Now? Yikes, that site is a mess! But I remind myself not to take it too seriously. A lot of women on the site do seem to be just looking for chat buddies (but of course can't admit that, because then no guys would respond to them...), or ego-tripping... I see a lot of profiles of women with travel pics in exotic locations... doing yoga in Bali, etc. I don't know what sort of relationship they're looking for, but lots of expensive travel + yoga would not be things most stable 30- or 40-something guys I know are interested in spending their time and money on.


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## TomNebraska

When I first re-signed up for ******* earlier this year, after a week or so I saw I had 30+ people who liked me, so I paid for a premium account to see who they were, wondering why I hadn't already liked any of them already... big mistake.

*BARF*

all fat and/or ugly. 

It really is luck if you happen to "match" someone you find reasonably attractive to you, and even luckier if it actually goes somewhere, and you didn't just meet a chat buddy you never wanted.


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## Lila

TomNebraska said:


> In my own experience, I signed up for an ******* profile, about 6 months after separating, around the time my divorce was close to being finalized. I had used ******* back in my 20's when I was single, and usually found a date on a weekly basis... none that went anywhere, but it was fun.
> 
> Now? Yikes, that site is a mess! But I remind myself not to take it too seriously. A lot of women on the site do seem to be just looking for chat buddies (but of course can't admit that, because then no guys would respond to them...), or ego-tripping... I see a lot of profiles of women with travel pics in exotic locations... doing yoga in Bali, etc. I don't know what sort of relationship they're looking for, but lots of expensive travel + yoga would not be things most stable 30- or 40-something guys I know are interested in spending their time and money on.


I recently signed up for a different dating app and found the majority of the profiles for men had pics of them in exotic locations, participating in obstacle course races (seems to be a requirement for people going through a mid life crisis), kayaking/rock climbing/running (at said exotic location), or golfing. With the exception of maybe jogging, I don't know a stable and sane 40-something year old woman who has an interest in spending time and money on any of those things. 

I think we are expecting too much from dating partners these days. We want them to be our best friend, emotional partner, best lover, and recreational companion. Way too many expectations.


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## Lila

TomNebraska said:


> When I first re-signed up for ******* earlier this year, after a week or so I saw I had 30+ people who liked me, so I paid for a premium account to see who they were, wondering why I hadn't already liked any of them already... big mistake.
> 
> **BARF*
> 
> all fat and/or ugly. *
> 
> It really is luck if you happen to "match" someone you find reasonably attractive to you, and even luckier if it actually goes somewhere, and you didn't just meet a chat buddy you never wanted.


Seriously, how old are you? 😕

You ever consider that maybe the reason you weren't seeing a "match" is because the person on the other side thought you were "*barf* fat or ugly"? 

Online dating is not perfect but it's not the app but the people using them that cause it to fail. The app designers are using psychology 101 to keep people from finding partners. 

Online dating is window shopping for humans. The Paradox of Choice combined with flawed abundance mentality makes success rates very low. Add to it that it is based predominantly on one characteristic, physical appearance (as you yourself mentioned), and you've got yourself a recipe for failure. 

I have once again deleted my profile and decided to meet people the old fashioned way, in real life, and leave online dating for those beautiful people.


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## TomNebraska

Lila said:


> I recently signed up for a different dating app and found the majority of the profiles for men had pics of them in exotic locations, participating in obstacle course races (seems to be a requirement for people going through a mid life crisis), kayaking/rock climbing/running (at said exotic location), or golfing. With the exception of maybe jogging, I don't know a stable and sane 40-something year old woman who has an interest in spending time and money on any of those things.
> 
> I think we are expecting too much from dating partners these days. We want them to be our best friend, emotional partner, best lover, and recreational companion. Way too many expectations.


Really? I did go on one okay date that lead to a brief fling earlier this year; she said she was happy to meet me because I was "normal" and showed me all the other guys she was getting messages from: lot of schlubs, shirtless gym rat types, and neck tattoos. 

To be fair, I'm probably overestimating the number of Instagram-model type profiles I see from women's accounts... most pics are more or less "normal." The Lululemon Model wannabes just stick out, I guess.



Lila said:


> Seriously, how old are you? 😕
> 
> You ever consider that maybe the reason you weren't seeing a "match" is because the person on the other side thought you were "*barf* fat or ugly"?
> 
> Online dating is not perfect but it's not the app but the people using them that cause it to fail. The app designers are using psychology 101 to keep people from finding partners.
> 
> Online dating is window shopping for humans. The Paradox of Choice combined with flawed abundance mentality makes success rates very low. Add to it that it is based predominantly on one characteristic, physical appearance (as you yourself mentioned), and you've got yourself a recipe for failure.
> 
> I have once again deleted my profile and decided to meet people the old fashioned way, in real life, and leave online dating for those beautiful people.


LOL, okay, I deserve that. 

that post from me was harsh and unnecessary. I guess I'm just venting for falling for *******'s stupid paid account plan for a month. 

I also deleted my profile a couple times, figuring I'd just meet someone the old fashioned way, but I'm kinda too old to go to bars now, and I don't really have single drinking buddies to go out with (moved to the town I'm in for a job offer, then got divorced here, so I'm stuck). so if I go out, I'm just a single divorced guy drinking by himself at the bar... I figure I look kinda ridiculous. 

Most of my social interactions are at work; and I don't hit on/flirt with coworkers as a personal & professional rule. And I did join some social activities/groups, but all the other people involved tend to be married couples in their 60's... always very friendly, but I kinda have to laugh at myself when I think "_May be there will be a cute single 30-something here today?!?_" and then watch the grey heads roll in. 

So... back to online dating for a bit.


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## Diana7

TomNebraska said:


> Really? I did go on one okay date that lead to a brief fling earlier this year; she said she was happy to meet me because I was "normal" and showed me all the other guys she was getting messages from: lot of schlubs, shirtless gym rat types, and neck tattoos.
> 
> To be fair, I'm probably overestimating the number of Instagram-model type profiles I see from women's accounts... most pics are more or less "normal." The Lululemon Model wannabes just stick out, I guess.
> 
> 
> 
> LOL, okay, I deserve that.
> 
> that post from me was harsh and unnecessary. I guess I'm just venting for falling for *******'s stupid paid account plan for a month.
> 
> I also deleted my profile a couple times, figuring I'd just meet someone the old fashioned way, but I'm kinda too old to go to bars now, and I don't really have single drinking buddies to go out with (moved to the town I'm in for a job offer, then got divorced here, so I'm stuck). so if I go out, I'm just a single divorced guy drinking by himself at the bar... I figure I look kinda ridiculous.
> 
> Most of my social interactions are at work; and I don't hit on/flirt with coworkers as a personal & professional rule. And I did join some social activities/groups, but all the other people involved tend to be married couples in their 60's... always very friendly, but I kinda have to laugh at myself when I think "_May be there will be a cute single 30-something here today?!?_" and then watch the grey heads roll in.
> 
> So... back to online dating for a bit.


Any online dating site or app that relies exclusively on or mainly on looks should be avoided at all costs. When I read my now husbands profile he didn't even have a photo up(this was nearly 15 years ago) and I knew even then that he was something special. I didn't see his photo for a few days until after we had emailed countless times and spoken on the phone. By then I was pretty sure that he was the man for me anyway. 

I do feel that so many people are glossed over purely because they aren't the most attractive, and in my experience the most attractive people are often not the nicest.


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## minimalME

There's part of me that admires you for being open and willing to do this. I couldn't/wouldn't. :surprise:

But I do agree with you - photos are very limiting. 




Diana7 said:


> Any online dating site or app that relies exclusively on or mainly on looks should be avoided at all costs. When I read my now husbands profile he didn't even have a photo up(this was nearly 15 years ago) and I knew even then that he was something special. I didn't see his photo for a few days until after we had emailed countless times and spoken on the phone. By then I was pretty sure that he was the man for me anyway.
> 
> I do feel that so many people are glossed over purely because they aren't the most attractive, and in my experience the most attractive people are often not the nicest.


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## arbitrator

*POF, much like most competing dating services, entire design is moreso to make money for their owners, much rather than provide a viable service to their clients.

Once one subscribes to be one of their members or associates, these OLD sites do their absolute damndest to nickel and dime their clients to death!

From my experience: Run from them, not to them!*


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## Diana7

minimalME said:


> There's part of me that admires you for being open and willing to do this. I couldn't/wouldn't. :surprise:
> 
> But I do agree with you - photos are very limiting.


I am all for being proactive.:smile2: In the UK its unlikely you will meet a Christian man unless you go online.


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