# Issue



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Well I have had a really bad past and my husband knows all about it for the fact we have known each other his whole life and because of that, I have trust issues and a single lie can ruin everything. I loose trust that quick. We have lived together for a year and we have not had a single argument since we have been together and I do not want to loose that. He is in the military and I had caught him in a lie yesterday (on my birthday) about smoking. It wouldn't of been so bad if he had promised that he wouldn't smoke. I have asthma, there is no smoking in the house, my youngest is allergic to cigarette smoke, and we are trying to get pregnant and with my health problems the child has enough strikes against it's health with out him coming home covered in smoke and causing breathing issues. I had told him when we first decided to get together that I had three rules and the first one is to not lie to me. I have dealt with it too much in the past and I wont do it again. I had talked to him about it yesterday and told him that if I caught him in another lie, one of us will not be living in the house we are in now rather it be him going to one of his military buddies home or me going back to my home state 800 miles away from here until a new basis of trust is built there and if he wanted someone who would put up with it then he needed to go back to his ex. I have two children an 11 year old and a 7 year old and I had left everything and everyone I knew including my children because the courts didn't find it necessary for the change of domicile. Was I too harsh with on my husband on the lying?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hi, Kea! Glad you are posting!

I can see why you are upset. But...there's always a but, right?

This is fairly minor in my view. Cigarettes are highly addictive, and even with the best will in the world, he's going to slip occasionally. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to quit, doesn't mean he won't quit -- it means he messed up.

No, he should not have lied to you. He probably was embarrassed.

It's good that you laid the boundaries down so clearly. Now that you have, I would gently suggest to you that you let it go. He made a mistake. You explained the consequences. Now let it go.

And keep posting! So glad to have you here!


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Honestly I can only speak from my feelings on this. I am allergic to cigarette smoke as well. My husband and I know that if either of us picked up smoking that would probably be the end of our marriage, that is how strongly we both feel on it. My husband lost his mom to lung cancer. Did you know that whatever you and your spouse are eating or doing when you concieve will have an affect on your child. Just saying...So this is a health issue and not to mention the three "end alls" for you has been comprimised. I don't think you were too harsh but I am a lot like you with the trust etc. I am saying this assuming that he knew that cigarettes were a no go for you and also how vital honesty is...
I guess on a side note is honesty is key..but so is communication either your convo with him will either help or it will turn him into someone who just finds a way to cover things up better and then feeling the need to fib so he doesn't hurt you and jeopordize things.. or even make him resent you. Good luck hun.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I personally feel if you want the absolute TRUTH at every turn..it will require being more lenient with the human faults of others , including our spouses....I can see getting all upset at the 1st...especially if it was something you agreed on prior..... but you need to take a step back... most especially in those times he comes to you ....oweing up to something that you may frown upon..... but he wants to be that honest man before you. These moments are HUGE, in how we handle those, so our spouses don't recoil. 

We need to create that environment -where he feels he can come to you. Some people are just not honest to begin with, and some are but learned not to be -due to others Reactions, they started to fear being put in the dog house, or never living it down, never being forgiven. 

Coming off as if you will :BoomSmilie_anim: break the marraige & move 800 miles away is only setting him up to walk on monsterous egg shells.. you said this>>>


> I loose trust that quick. We have lived together for a year and we have not had a single argument since we have been together and I do not want to loose that.


Let's be realistic... why would 2 very separate individuals with varying needs, wants & desires NEVER have an arguement...

...How rare is that?? ....one must be downplaying his or her own feelings /needs /desires to some extent..... unless the 2 of you are completely unselfish saints... Even the best of marraiges will have some CONFLICT ... it is healthy, it is normal and... you allowing your husband to show some of his unfavorable traits , in honesty, before you, without threatening to leave immediately --will only be a step in a healthy direction. Then hopefully you both can both sit down and talk about these things, him listening to how you feel.... and he doing the same. 


Good article on Conflict here : Paragragh 5


It is important to share how we deeply feel when we have been hurt & lied too...and we all have some undeniable deal breakers.. BUT we want our spouse to see us as wholly approachable to bring EVERYTHING and ANYTHING TO US in communication, this should be a foundation built before the other can come to pass. At least on our end..... if they continue to lie -after we have made ourselves approachable, and they are hurting us, disrespecting us at every turn , it may be time to separate, some consequences going forth on your end.


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Now just because we have never argued, it don't mean that we haven't gotten snippy with each other. Instead of butting heads, if need be we give one another some time to relax and then talk about what the issue is. As I had told him previously, yeah I would of been upset about him doing something I don't like but I would rather be pissed off for an hour as opposed to having to question him every move.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm sorry but I'm not clear on the issue. Did he smoke in the house?

Regardless, I understand the need for honesty but you also must realize that may not have been the way he was brought up.

Many of us (dare I say) told lies to our parents so we wouldn't get in trouble for things we did. Many times it worked (reinforcement) and sometimes it didn't and blew up in our faces (OUCH!)

I agree with lamaga. This is minor. I also stronly agree with Simply too. This was an opportunity to show how you would deal with him if he was honest and I think he was so scared of your reaction, he told a lie he thought he could get away with. Perhaps you've set the level of expectation too high?

"Coming off as if you will break the marraige & move 800 miles away is only setting him up to walk on monsterous egg shells.. " - Well put Simply!

And Kea, for the love of God, do NOT ask him if your butt looks big in ANY of your clothing!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kea2011 said:


> Now just because we have never argued, it don't mean that we haven't gotten snippy with each other. Instead of butting heads, if need be we give one another some time to relax and then talk about what the issue is. As I had told him previously, yeah I would of been upset about him doing something I don't like but I would rather be pissed off for an hour as opposed to having to question him every move.


Are you beginning to question alot of his moves or just this - the smoking? 


Believe me when I say.... I am ALL for honesty, I did a thread on Transparency in marraige , I even consider it a deal breaker for ME personally..... I tried to explain this whole concept as to how it works in my own marraige... but clearly .....2 has to want this and believe in it..... if not, it could be like pulling teeth..... An uphill battle never reaching that place where you can bring all to your spouse -without a "dog house" experience. 

I was a pretty honest teen too, I rarely if ever lied to my Dad & step Mom..... I was a good girl. The couple times I did tried to pull one over on them....I felt so guilty, I owed up and got punished harder than I feel I deserved. They were tough! 

I never will do that to my own children...Our communication is amazingly open , not too much surprises me... they don't fear bringing any subject to me and their dad. This creates an atomsphere where once they unload, we listen, they are more willing to hear us in response. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Simply,

Are you sure you're not one of my sisters?

Unfortunately, I can't say I walked the same narrow path that Simply did. I thik it was more of a 4 lane highway than a narrow path!

Years after my brother and I moved out and were married, we often own up to things we did at family gatherings. I guess by then we weren't worried about my dad spanking us by then!


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I'm sorry but I'm not clear on the issue. Did he smoke in the house?
> 
> Regardless, I understand the need for honesty but you also must realize that may not have been the way he was brought up.
> 
> ...


No he loves the way I look and tells me I am beautiful everyday. My thing is is we had talked about everything like how big honesty is to me because of my past that he was a part of. He was a witness to it all. Now I am Bipolar and I also suffer from PTSD and he knows this. I had asked him so many times if he was sure that this relationship is what he wanted knowing where I stand on everything and how big honesty is to me and how easily trust is broken with me and he told me the months that we talk about getting together that yes he was sure and that he was ready and could handle it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Since you have self-disclosed that you are bipolar...are you on your meds?


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Yes I am. I take them regularly and when I am supposed to. If I do not take my meds I get VERY sick.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good. Just checking!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Kea,

While he said he was ready, I think you need to give him a little leway for a while as he tries to adjust to your expectations

If you come down on him like a ton of bricks for minor infractions, this will simply push him away. You don't want that do you?


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

No I don't and I told him that. I had also told him that I would much rather him tell me something that would piss me off for an hour than him lie and possibly ruin our whole relationship. I don't think it would of been so bad if he didn't have an ex that every other thing out of her mouth was a lie and he would through such a fit about. He didn't like being lied to at all when he was with her and I told him that I am not one that would sit here and be lied to knowing that they are being lied to and act like it is perfectly acceptable and if that is what he wanted then I am not the one for him and to just be honest.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> they don't fear bringing any subject to me and their dad. This creates an atomsphere where once they unload, we listen, they are more willing to hear us in response.
> 
> .


I get the impression this is what's lacking in the OP's relationship. She creates an atmosphere where any slip up is going to bring her rath, then she demands that he owns up to every slip up, otherwise he's being dishonest. I couldn't live like that. I think most guys want to be honest, but you've got to lighten up when you hear the truth. If you want to be a hard ass all the time, then expect to get lied to. No man is going to willingly and repeatedly submit himself to a verbal/mental beating.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, Working, I fear you are right. Sorry, Kea. 

Will you at least think about it?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Maybe read "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars".... it sounds like you two are communicating, but maybe not recognizing how each other MEANS things. 

You told him how you feel, now let it be.


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the impression this is what's lacking in the OP's relationship. She creates an atmosphere where any slip up is going to bring her rath, then she demands that he owns up to every slip up, otherwise he's being dishonest. I couldn't live like that. I think most guys want to be honest, but you've got to lighten up when you hear the truth. If you want to be a hard ass all the time, then expect to get lied to. No man is going to willingly and repeatedly submit himself to a verbal/mental beating.


Im confused on this......... sorry


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Toffer said:


> Simply,
> 
> Are you sure you're not one of my sisters?
> 
> ...


And I just bet your stories are a barrel of FUN...in hindsite :rofl:... I bet your parents are laughing right there with you all. My husband did lie to his parents when I wrecked his car driving to get my Drivers Test. (I passed too, 1st wreck -had to get pulled out even -and got my license on the same day) 

I had a large bonfire at my house 2 weeks ago, I had about 5 teen boys spending the night, we were up till like 2 am, anyway, One of my boys owed up to something that I would have never known... (a few days later)...I was a bit upset - but only for their inherent safety... I guess 3 of them climbed out the window and slept on the roof... He swears one stood watch that they didn't fall off. 

Oh my !! 

As for me.... I was an only child & my step mother didn't want her own kids, so when I went to live there, she made life tough....if I did near anything out of line, I would be grounded for a whole month at a time, so I had to walk a straight & narrow...if I wanted any freedom at all. A few groundings is all it took, but I didn't like her much at all. 

She will tell me now that I was a great kid, even admitting she was very hard on me.......it was not like I was having sex, taking dope and destructing others property or swearing in school. I was never a problem child at all, got good grades, never any calls for bad behavior. Sometimes you need to let kids breathe. Same for spouses, we need to pick our battles. 

Although who am I to talk, when I met my husband, he smoked, I told him point blank...it's the cigs or me, I wouldn't be able to stand kissing an ashtry, the waste of money -if he was ever to become a potential...and the toll on his health. He quit that day... never touched another.


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