# Eccentric



## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

I have been married for 15 years; my wife and I have two wonderful children.

I love to explore life. All day long I run across things that pique my interest. In some cases, those interests inevitably draw attention.

For my wife, attention is debilitating. Any kind of attention from people, even me, gets her upset.

For example, I'm in a martial art where I'm required to do sometimes "fancy" kicks. My wife says that she wishes she could run and hide when she watches me because she's so embarrassed. It's not that I do a bad job. In fact, it's that I do a *good* job and people pay attention. And that's too much for her.

In the early years of our marriage I used to watch her get dressed and tell her how nice she looked and she'd get upset and tell me not to look at her, that the attention was too much!

If I change my hairstyle, change my routine, pick up a new hobby, whatever, my wife shuts down and begs me to stop because it's drawing attention and it's unacceptable to her. I cannot discuss any interest with her because it ultimately breaks down because of her fear of attention or lack of desire to understand my interest.

I'm finding fewer and fewer ways to live a happy life when everything I do becomes the focus of her scrutiny, unhappiness and fear. I feel controlled, albeit indirectly.

Does anyone have experience with a relationship like this? I feel like I'm dying slowly inside.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Question:

How was your wife as a child and young woman? Did she or her family tell you about her childhood?
.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She is paranoid. She feels everyone is watching you/her and it will lead to confrontation. This will stir anxiety, and depression. She needs to get help.


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## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

The best I can piece together is that she didn't get a lot of attention as a child; she wasn't read to and her family didn't do many things together. She's an only child. Her parents divorced when she was 12.

Her mother is "persnickety" but nice. Her dad is grouchy, but nice. Neither of them is mean or abusive, just very stuck in their ways.

As childhoods, go I had it far worse: my mother is an emotionally abusive borderline and my father was emotionally vacant because of her and ended up committing suicide. All things considered, I'm generally quite happy and carefree. I've been depressed just the last few years, and the triggers are precisely the confrontations that my wife and I have over, well, everything.

Another example... I went a week without filing or trimming my nails. I wasn't paying attention; it's not what I spend my life caring about. She grabs my hand off the steering wheel one day when I was driving and says, "What are people going to think? Your nails look like a woman's nails! You need to trim them and trim them now." It's driving my nuts.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

unique1 said:


> As childhoods, go I had it far worse: my mother is an emotionally abusive borderline and my father was emotionally vacant because of her
> 
> Another example... I went a week without filing or trimming my nails. I wasn't paying attention; it's not what I spend my life caring about. She grabs my hand off the steering wheel one day when I was driving and says, "What are people going to think? Your nails look like a woman's nails! You need to trim them and trim them now." It's driving my nuts.


That describes a lot of what I grew up with, but it was my mother who was a complete psycho about what other people thought. When I got stabbed in a fight at age 17, she freaked out and was worried about her reputation...Or when I broke my hand, again what would the neighbors think? Not much concern that I had a broken bone, or that I almost bled to death.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

unique1 said:


> The best I can piece together is that she didn't get a lot of attention as a child; she wasn't read to and her family didn't do many things together. She's an only child. Her parents divorced when she was 12.
> 
> Her mother is "persnickety" but nice. Her dad is grouchy, but nice. Neither of them is mean or abusive, just very stuck in their ways.
> 
> ...


Does she work?
Has she been always very shy, does she avoid social situations?
Does she go out of her way to avoid going to public events?
Or is she very fond of order and routine, also for herself? And is she an perfectionist, not fond of loud noises?
.


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## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

sofie said:


> Does she work?
> Has she been always very shy, does she avoid social situations?
> Does she go out of her way to avoid going to public events?
> Or is she very fond of order and routine, also for herself? And is she an perfectionist, not fond of loud noises?
> .


She doesn't work.

Yes, she absolutely avoids social situations. She refuses to go to company events with me because she doesn't know anyone and is terrified by the situation.

Routine is a curious thing. She doesn't really like to do much. We went to counseling and we told we need to have a weekly date night. She's in charge of the schedule, so I'll ask her if she minds scheduling a date night. Needless to say, our date nights occur once every 6 - 8 weeks. We have kids, so I try to keep them active, but it doesn't take long for her to get involved and suddenly we're back to doing nothing again. I used to take my oldest daughter ice skating once a week. All my wife would say is, "Why do you need to ice skate every week? I don't understand why you need to be so active." I couldn't deal with the complaining, so eventually I stopped going ice skating with my daughter.

I think that deep down she's a perfectionist, even though she riles at my occasional perfectionism. For example, did you know that shirts must hang on a hanger a certain way? The front must be to the left. Heaven forbid I hang a shirt so that the front is to the right.

I don't know about an issue with loud noises, though apparently my voice and my laugh is generally too loud.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

unique1 said:


> She doesn't work.
> 
> Yes, she absolutely avoids social situations. She refuses to go to company events with me because she doesn't know anyone and is terrified by the situation.
> 
> Routine is a curious thing. She doesn't really like to do much. We went to counseling and we told we need to have a weekly date night. She's in charge of the schedule, so I'll ask her if she minds scheduling a date night. Needless to say, our date nights occur once every 6 - 8 weeks. We have kids, so I try to keep them active, but it doesn't take long for her to get involved and suddenly we're back to doing nothing again. I used to take my oldest daughter ice skating once a week. All my wife would say is, "Why do you need to ice skate every week? I don't understand why you need to be so active." I couldn't deal with the complaining, so eventually I stopped going ice skating with my daughter.


I can really understand this. I prefer to be with two or three people at the most and enjoy being alone. It takes energy to be with people who are not friends. At times it becomes very stressful. It sounds like your wife really gets out of her comfort zone with these things and tries to stay in it by doing little. But that is not the cure, she needs professional help. Try to find a Psychologist who helps shy introvert people and have her do individual therapy with them before the problem becomes worse. They can identify something that can be done to make the situations more bearable for your wife.

What worked for me was the desire to do stuff for my kids. From what you have said this is not a strong motivator for her right now. But it wasn't for me either until I realized that one of my hobbies is something that I felt I wanted to do with my kids. Looking back I used my strong desire of the hobby to get me past the comfort zone and realize that it's not so bad after all. So look for something that she enjoys and see if she can do it with the kids or someone else. Doing things in public exercises the resistance to the stress of the events. But don't over do it. Regularly doing things near the edge will cause the situations be more normal provided there is positive feedback from the exposure. Find something that becomes a reward for enduring the stress. Staying at home and avoiding it only makes it worse.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you don't enforce boundaries, not only do you end up acting like someone elses servant, but your children grow up thinking it is ok for the stronger person to totally dominate their partners life. 

BTW - don't kid yourself. She may be way more dysfunctional than you are but she is clearly much stronger. You are doing what she wants (not ice skating with your daughter) even to the detriment of your children. 

Time to read about having boundaries and start enforcing them. 




unique1 said:


> She doesn't work.
> 
> Yes, she absolutely avoids social situations. She refuses to go to company events with me because she doesn't know anyone and is terrified by the situation.
> 
> ...


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## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> If you don't enforce boundaries, not only do you end up acting like someone elses servant, but your children grow up thinking it is ok for the stronger person to totally dominate their partners life.
> 
> BTW - don't kid yourself. She may be way more dysfunctional than you are but she is clearly much stronger. You are doing what she wants (not ice skating with your daughter) even to the detriment of your children.
> 
> Time to read about having boundaries and start enforcing them.


Thanks.

I think the major obstacle for me will be effective "fighting." Whenever we fight, she inevitably drops some zinger about me being messed up like my sociopathic mother, which sends me so far over the edge that I just shut down. I need to work on defusing her inappropriate attacks so that I can keep the conversation going (even though she obviously doesn't give a sh*t).

I think another strategy will be for me to just to what it is I want and need to do. She can come along, stay at home, but telling me I can't do what I want or need to do won't get my response any longer (crossing fingers).


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

unique1 said:


> She doesn't work.
> 
> Yes, she absolutely avoids social situations. She refuses to go to company events with me because she doesn't know anyone and is terrified by the situation.
> 
> ...


That's weird!! I'm very much a introvert by nature and would say I have serious SA issues. I always have parties, concerts, public speaking, anything with all eyes on me is Hell on earth. 

Wig that said my wife is a social butterfly loves being in the limelight. I don't care what she does that's the part I don't get. Why would your wife care if you were in the spotlight? If she isn't around?

I don't know if there is a fix though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> That's weird!! I'm very much a introvert by nature and would say I have serious SA issues. I always have parties, concerts, public speaking, anything with all eyes on me is Hell on earth.
> 
> Wig that said my wife is a social butterfly loves being in the limelight. I don't care what she does that's the part I don't get. Why would your wife care if you were in the spotlight? If she isn't around?
> 
> ...


She claims that that she's terrified that someone she knows might see me and that she doesn't want to have to get into a conversation about whatever it was.

Thing is, I'm an introvert too, but I don't have any social anxieties (they are mutually exclusive). I need time to myself to recharge (introvert), but I don't go out of my way to not interact with people. In fact, when I'm "fully charged" I absolutely don't mind interacting with people or taking on new social situations.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

She's manipulating you and it's not OK. Stop being ashamed of your past YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. She's just throwing empty words, since she feels like she's losing her ground. IGNORE HER in those moments and just consider you didn't hear those nasty words.

Get your kids active. Schedule new stuff with them again and don't stop just because she's having a fit. Let her know that, if he likes being a recluse, NORMAL people like to have fun and get involved in nice activities.

Don't leave your kids out of good activities, just because it would mean she's not controlling every aspect of their life.

I'd get her into counseling, that's for sure, I've never met anyone who's so determined to rule other people's lives like this.

Just regain your strength and remember NOBODY has the right to tell you how to live your life. not even your wife. As long as your hobbies and nice and 'peaceful' I don't see why you need to stop having a personality, just because the 'missus' says so


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Read up about that part of her behavior that you find odd or not normal. Google!!!
You might look in the direction of Social Phobia or even Aspergers Syndrome.

I have a very light form of Aspergers Syndrome and I know that I can be viewed controlling. The thing is I want to control MY envirement, not others, but they of course overlap.
I hate going out, but I know my husband needs it so I go now and then, though it takes a lot of courage.

It's just a wild guess, 
but if you find similarities when you google, a Psychologist would be good for her. She might not do things on purpose, but she can be made aware of it, have it better under control and see how it has a negative influence on her family.
.


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## unique1 (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I'm starting to see that she may indeed be manipulative, perhaps as a defensive (offensive) mechanism to protect herself from her social anxiety. I tried talking to her about maybe seeing someone (she's persuaded me to see a shrink on at least 4 occasions, and there's never anything wrong aside from depression, though I'm seeing where that's coming from now), but she refuses.

I'm not sure what I'll do, but I at least can see that I'm not nuts.


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