# For BS that ended reconciliation



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Did you get any satisfaction from ending the R, or regain a balance in power, or gain the lion's share of power back? Did you take any pleasure or joy in turning the tables? Did regaining that power help heal you some?

At the time I certainly did not...I felt pain and sorrow, and relief. But not (at the time) did I feel balance restored or get any satisfaction.

From the time we agreed to R, she was so happy that I gave her that chance, as she was _sure_ I never would, never could. She was so afraid though, at the same time, that I would walk. Every day of our 10 week R she expressed fear that I would end it. She thanked me everyday for being such a wonderful, strong man to give her a second chance, to take her back. But she kept saying "You constantly have one foot out the door, and I'm terrified you're going to walk". I wasn't planning on it, I was fighting the fight of my life. But with each passing day, the twisting in my mind and body intensified, and the struggle to stay became more and more brutal.

For those 10 weeks, she was so happy (aside from the fear) - we followed the books and made time for each other every day...had amazing sex every day, I'd wake up at 3 am every morning when she'd get home from work and we'd be with each other. We were so loving, so affectionate. We did all the things for each other we hadn't done in years - we made us a priority...and she fell in love with me again.

Then I told her I wasn't coming home. She was devastated and fought hard, physically and emotionally. But I was done.

It was she, a little while later, who said, in a sincere manner, "you must feel better, regaining your power, taking your manhood back, shifting the balance and regaining control".

Looking back, she was right. But at the time, I didn't feel that way. All I felt was sorrow.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Healer said:


> -------------snip for brevity----------
> 
> *But I was done.*
> 
> -------------snip for brevity----------


Very terse and I am sure true.

It leaves me wishing for a far fuller exposition of your state of mind at the time, however.

Your post provokes in me feelings of sympathy for your wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did you fake your reconciliation so as to really hurt her when you left her?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> Very terse and I am sure true.
> 
> It leaves me wishing for a far fuller exposition of your state of mind at the time, however.
> 
> Your post provokes in me feelings of sympathy for your wife.


She had a months long PA with a serious criminal - unprotected, nasty dirty sex in his truck and bathroom stalls and an (as far as I can prove) EA with another guy (I'm sure it was actually a PA). She accused me of cheating our entire marriage (12 years at the time), and I'm not exaggerating on that. I never cheated, never came close. She got so heavily into cocaine use with him that she put us over $45K in debt during the affair.

She then ended our marriage via text on our daughter's 5th birthday. I eventually got it out of her why. 

My state of mind? I was utterly gutted, beaten down, humiliated, crushed, torn, confused and at a total loss on how to move forward. I was in the worst pain of my life.

I wouldn't have too much sympathy for her there, amigo.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Did you fake your reconciliation so as to really hurt her when you left her?


See the part of my post that reads "I was fighting the fight of my life". I didn't fake anything. I worked harder at trying to forgive and reconciling than I've ever worked in my life. I was fighting for my family, for f*ck sake. It was pure torture. The betrayal was simply too profound, too heinous, too cruel.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I did not leave her to hurt her, not on any level. I left because plain and simple, a PA is a deal breaker for me. I didn't realize it at the time - I thought I could forgive and wanted more than anything to save my family, to save my marriage.

She told me from the day I found out "you're the type of man who will never forgive me for this - you'll never get past it". I said "I will fight, I can do it".

Turns out she was right and knew me better than I knew myself.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Healer said:


> She had a months long PA with a serious criminal - unprotected, nasty dirty sex in his truck and bathroom stalls and an (as far as I can prove) EA with another guy (I'm sure it was actually a PA). She accused me of cheating our entire marriage (12 years at the time), and I'm not exaggerating on that. I never cheated, never came close. She got so heavily into cocaine use with him that she put us over $45K in debt during the affair.
> 
> She then ended our marriage via text on our daughter's 5th birthday. I eventually got it out of her why.
> 
> ...


My sympathy level just dropped closer to the floor.

My state of mind question referred to the moment you felt you were "done."

What evolved in your mind during the month you tried R?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2asdf2 said:


> My sympathy level just dropped closer to the floor.
> 
> My state of mind question referred to the moment you felt you were "done."
> 
> What evolved in your mind during the month you tried R?


It was literally a constant mental, emotional and physical struggle. I remember sitting on the toilet at work everyday (not going, just thinking), staring at the wall, fighting with myself to try and reconcile it in my own mind. Never before had I not been able to figure something out, to solve a problem. I'm a problem solver for a living and by nature - it's what I do. I could not, for the life of me, resolve it. 

During the course of the 10 weeks, what she had done, the gravity of it, the brutality of the betrayal, became more and more real, more painful .I was fighting SO HARD to make it work, but my mind and my soul and even my body were screaming at me that this is wrong, that it couldn't be. 

I don't know that I'd say I was in denial at first - maybe denial as to what it really meant, the magnitude of it. It's like the bigger picture became clear to me and I could see what it really meant, and who she really was. Realizing the danger she had put me and my kids in by letting this evil person into our lives, between her legs, the depth of the lies and deceit, exposing me to his filth - I remember for a few months before I knew (this is graphic) how bad her vagina had started to smell, and it never did before. She was filthy. She pretended to go to work but was out doing blow and screwing this thug (and probably others), spending tens of thousands of dollars on their partying. She became so depraved...and then to leave me the way she did.

I guess I just had to try to R - I _had_ to.I wanted to save my family SO BADLY. But I guess it took those 10 weeks for it to sink in what she had done and who she had become. And I succumbed. I realized I simply could not spend the rest of my life with a person like that. Someone that cruel, devious, dirty and deceitful. It would have killed me - I would've cracked. I _was_ cracking.

So I ended it before it ended me.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

I understand.

Gaining some distance from the event makes one realize the gravity of the said event. 

In these cases of extreme mistreatment one's need to live up to one's self image can become more important than the wish to reconcile. If that is the case, the recovery is doomed.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Was she off the drugs when you tried to "R" ?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Healer said:


> *... what she had done, the gravity of it, the brutality of the betrayal, became more and more real, more painful.
> 
> Someone that cruel, devious, dirty and deceitful. *


From my own personal Hell as a BS to a serial cheater... *All Affairs are just plain Nasty.* 

No condemnation from me.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Was she off the drugs when you tried to "R" ?


As far as I know, yes. But there's the thing - I had zero trust. How can you ever trust someone again who has done such things for such a time?

That was another part of me ending R - realizing I would never, ever be able to trust her again. I refuse to live like that.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

RWB said:


> From my own personal Hell as a BS to a serial cheater... *All Affairs are just plain Nasty.*
> 
> No condemnation from me.


Agreed. Nasty by nature.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Healer said:


> See the part of my post that reads "I was fighting the fight of my life". I didn't fake anything. I worked harder at trying to forgive and reconciling than I've ever worked in my life. I was fighting for my family, for f*ck sake. It was pure torture. The betrayal was simply too profound, too heinous, too cruel.


I just saw your follow-up post.

Based on that, I think you did good. Then you did even better.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was in R for 30 years until DD2 (with the same AP). I had warned him on DD1 that I likely wouldn't forgive a second affair and when it happened I knew I had to get out. Walking away from a 45 year marriage was difficult but when my divorce was final I felt as if a huge burden I didn't even know I had was lifted from my shoulders. And I eventually forgave him and found peace. So, yes, I would definitely say I got my power back. Along with control of my life for the first time ever. And it did (and does) felt great.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I was in R for 30 years until DD2 (with the same AP). I had warned him on DD1 that I likely wouldn't forgive a second affair and when it happened I knew I had to get out. Walking away from a 45 year marriage was difficult but when my divorce was final I felt as if a huge burden I didn't even know I had was lifted from my shoulders. And I eventually forgave him and found peace. So, yes, I would definitely say I got my power back. Along with control of my life for the first time ever. And it did (and does) felt great.


You go girl!


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

I can try kind of relate to what you are going through. Having a family with an addict is one of the most difficult things that I have ever faced. My husband walked out a month ago and I was crushed at first. He has had an PA this year, has turned to drugs and alcohol, again to self medicate for his BP. I tried to get him to get help bf he left. Don't get me wrong, I know I would probably try to R bc of our blended family and I do care for him. 
I have been reading and learning through therapy that I can't control anyone's life but my own. He has a disease that only he can get help for like your STBX. I hope that you remain a constant in your child's life, it seems to be chaotic and maybe some IC bc it can be helpful.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

My stbxw acted far, far less heinously than yours, and I took 10 MONTHs to try R, experiencing much as you explained along the way -- good times, better sex than before, true remorse. But like you, I realized that one thing you mentioned -- I just could not trust her anymore, and I refused to live like that for the rest of my life. I couldn't, and I wouldn't do it. I had tried to find a way to feel it, tried faking it till making it, intense MC, IC for both, but in the end, that's what it was all about. I needed total trust in my partner, and I was never going to have it for her. So I stopped, and I left. Maybe there is a re-taking of power and control underneath, but all I feel is sorrow, then and now over 2 years later. Not regret for leaving, but sorrow for it all going down. And a bit selfish for the impact to my son.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Healer said:


> She had a months long PA with a serious criminal - unprotected, nasty dirty sex in his truck and bathroom stalls and an (as far as I can prove) EA with another guy (I'm sure it was actually a PA). She accused me of cheating our entire marriage (12 years at the time), and I'm not exaggerating on that. I never cheated, never came close. She got so heavily into cocaine use with him that she put us over $45K in debt during the affair.
> 
> She then ended our marriage via text on our daughter's 5th birthday. I eventually got it out of her why.
> 
> ...


OMG. Very similar to BashfulBull's situation where his WW was into meth. Those initial months after D-Day are literally hell on earth. You tried your best.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you remember writing this?


> My stbxw cheated on me for several months starting around last Spring until last Fall (or at least that's what she's admitted to). I am divorcing her. We have 2 children together and have joint custody. On Wednesdays I pick them up from her house after work. She still wants to be close to me and tries to get me to stay and visit...she sits right beside me, touches my foot with hers, touches my thigh...we talk about the kids and stuff so it's good that way (keep each other in the loop about what's going on with them). She sends me home with food, we have a beer together...
> 
> I have tremendous anger towards her for what she did - but I am divorcing her, so I kind of feel that blowing up or making her eat sh*t is futile. I have no interest in associating with her beyond what's necessary for the kids...but for some reason I still feel bad saying "no" when she asks me in for a visit and a chat. I'd rather just get the kids and get the F out of there.
> 
> ...


Drug use makes things worse. I think TheDeceived's exWW was into coke and wasted a lot of money with her dealer. Of course she was having sex with him. In the end he dumped her. Couldn't go on in R.

Your ex is a troubled person. She needs help. You will always have problems with her since you are co-parenting. Hopefully you will become secure enough to deal with her. It is good if you can help her not slide into the muck, but you need to prevent her from trying to become the woman in your life. If you can be disciplined, you can take a carrot and stick approach.

When she is good to herself and your children, you are more her friend. When she is f'd up you are curt. If she gets into drugs, you must go for sole custody.

Is she staying clean now?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Openminded said:


> *I was in R for 30 years until DD2 (with the same AP).* I had warned him on DD1 that I likely wouldn't forgive a second affair and when it happened I knew I had to get out.


I would bet that the Affair was ongoing and hidden during those 30 years. Maybe not? Regardless, you stuck to promise. I have made the same warning.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I was in R for 2 years, then she started deleting texts from her phone. We had agreed during R that she would not delete texts and if she did, I would assume it was because she was cheating. So, when I found she had deleted I told her our marriage was over (and I meant it).

She contemplated suicide that night and then checked herself in to inpatient program for her own protection. She called me during her time there and told me some of the details of the affair. Those details strengthened my resolve to follow through on the D. She had done worse than I knew prior to Dday1 and continued having affairs (multiple) during our R. The information emotionally crippled me.

Giving her the papers did give me much of my power back. But I still carry a heavy burden. There is much uncertainty on how the D will progress. I don't think I'll feel that burden lifted until it's done and I know for sure how custody and our finances will settle out.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Acoa said:


> I don't think I'll feel that burden lifted until it's done and I know for sure how custody and our finances will settle out.


omg, YES yes yes yes to this!! :iagree:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Butterfly1014 said:


> I can try kind of relate to what you are going through. Having a family with an addict is one of the most difficult things that I have ever faced. My husband walked out a month ago and I was crushed at first. He has had an PA this year, has turned to drugs and alcohol, again to self medicate for his BP. I tried to get him to get help bf he left. Don't get me wrong, I know I would probably try to R bc of our blended family and I do care for him.
> I have been reading and learning through therapy that I can't control anyone's life but my own. He has a disease that only he can get help for like your STBX. I hope that you remain a constant in your child's life, it seems to be chaotic and maybe some IC bc it can be helpful.


Sorry to hear of your troubles.

I have my kids 4 days a week, including the weekends. I will ALWAYS be a huge part of their life.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2xloser said:


> My stbxw acted far, far less heinously than yours, and I took 10 MONTHs to try R, experiencing much as you explained along the way -- good times, better sex than before, true remorse. But like you, I realized that one thing you mentioned -- I just could not trust her anymore, and I refused to live like that for the rest of my life. I couldn't, and I wouldn't do it. I had tried to find a way to feel it, tried faking it till making it, intense MC, IC for both, but in the end, that's what it was all about. I needed total trust in my partner, and I was never going to have it for her. So I stopped, and I left. Maybe there is a re-taking of power and control underneath, but all I feel is sorrow, then and now over 2 years later. Not regret for leaving, but sorrow for it all going down. And a bit selfish for the impact to my son.


Wow, peas in a pod you and I. We tried MC as well and I did a couple IC sessions. The MC didn't really do much, except piss me off. She looked at me after I explained the pain and anger, and said "this isn't something she did _to_ you. You are not a victim in this thing". Uhhhh, yes, I am. Adios! 

How old is your son? How is he doing now? My kids seem to be thriving.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Do you remember writing this?
> 
> Drug use makes things worse. I think TheDeceived's exWW was into coke and wasted a lot of money with her dealer. Of course she was having sex with him. In the end he dumped her. Couldn't go on in R.
> 
> ...


Yes, I remember that. She most certainly isn't the woman in my life. We rarely communicate anymore unless it's about the kids. She has a serious boyfriend now (a bouncer at the bar she works at - shocking!!) and I am dating. I am very, very detached from her and now that she has a guy she doesn't cling to me any more, thankfully. That makes detachment easier for me.

She claims she's clean, but I doubt it. She's not off the rails (or on the rails, I guess) anymore. But she still works in a bar, and that lifestyle is gross. Who knows what she gets up to.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Acoa said:


> I was in R for 2 years, then she started deleting texts from her phone. We had agreed during R that she would not delete texts and if she did, I would assume it was because she was cheating. So, when I found she had deleted I told her our marriage was over (and I meant it).
> 
> She contemplated suicide that night and then checked herself in to inpatient program for her own protection. She called me during her time there and told me some of the details of the affair. Those details strengthened my resolve to follow through on the D. She had done worse than I knew prior to Dday1 and continued having affairs (multiple) during our R. The information emotionally crippled me.
> 
> Giving her the papers did give me much of my power back. But I still carry a heavy burden. There is much uncertainty on how the D will progress. I don't think I'll feel that burden lifted until it's done and I know for sure how custody and our finances will settle out.


Wow, that's brutal. Affairs during R. That's a damaged woman. Good for you for handing her her walking papers, brother. It was the right thing. Still, I know the pain you feel. You will heal. I am.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Healer said:


> She looked at me after I explained the pain and anger, and said "this isn't something she did _to_ you. You are not a victim in this thing". Uhhhh, yes, I am. Adios!


Under that stupid assumption everybody can cheat because there are no victims involved and no one is doing a harmfull act to their family and spouses ergo There is no problem if it happened and there is no problem in keep doing it.

Why are so many shams out there giving MC about infidelity?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> Under that stupid assumption everybody can cheat because there are no victims involved and no one is doing a harmfull act to their family and spouses ergo There is no problem if it happened and there is no problem in keep doing it.
> 
> Why are so many shams out there giving MC about infidelity?


People who go into the field of psychology are often complete whack jobs themselves. There are definitely some really excellent, talented ones, but they are few and far between.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Healer said:


> She then ended our marriage via text on our daughter's 5th birthday.





Healer said:


> Realizing the danger she had put me and *my kids* in by letting this evil person into our lives,





Healer said:


> Sorry to hear of your troubles.
> 
> I have my kids 4 days a week, including the weekends. I will ALWAYS be a huge part of their life.





Healer said:


> She claims she's clean, but I doubt it. She's not off the rails (or on the rails, I guess) anymore. But she still works in a bar, and that lifestyle is gross. Who knows what she gets up to.



You need full custody of the children now.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Healer said:


> As far as I know, yes. But there's the thing - I had zero trust. How can you ever trust someone again who has done such things for such a time?
> 
> That was another part of me ending R - realizing I would never, ever be able to trust her again. I refuse to live like that.


I tried R for 6.5 years. I know very much how you feel. It was something I had to try. For my sake, and my families. I would have always wondered if I didn't. There would always be those questions about not trying everything for my marriage. It s a very difficult decision to make, but, you now know it really is time to end it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Healer, did you try to get full custody of your children?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

manticore said:


> Under that stupid assumption everybody can cheat because there are no victims involved and no one is doing a harmfull act to their family and spouses ergo There is no problem if it happened and there is no problem in keep doing it.
> 
> Why are so many shams out there giving MC about infidelity?





Because marriage counselors primary objective is to save the marriage not your self respect, dignity, sanity or any sense of justice just save the marriage most marriage counselors are no different than car salesman they just wont to add your name to the wall of "successful marriages recovered" but dont care much about whether you are truly recovered


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

karole said:


> Healer, did you try to get full custody of your children?


I thought about it, and used it several times over the past 1.5 years to get her to straighten up. In the beginning, I said I'd be watching her, and if she had any contact with that posom I would sue for full custody, and I had my parents support on that (they're wealthy).

She also did get a better job - she's general manager at this bar - it's still in that industry, but at least now she's a boss. She does seem to have cleaned up her act. She's been in IC and told me recently that she's been working hard on her issues that were toxic to our marriage - so she copped to that. She claims to be living a good life and making good decisions. She's definitely better than when she tanked. But in all honesty, she's white trash. I don't say that out of anger - it's just a fact. Looking back, it's amazing I was with her. I'm a professional, make $120K a year and am a pretty smart guy. She's the opposite. I married her when she was 22 - had never lived away from her parent's house. WAY too young.

Also I have to consider the ugliness it would bring. Things are relatively amicable right now and my kids are happy. I ask them a lot how they are, how things are at their mom's and they say good.

Also, she only has them Sunday, Monday and Tuesday evenings - a few hours a week. NEVER for a full day. She picks them up from mine on Sunday at 6 pm, in bed by 7:30. Monday and Tuesday she has them at 3:30, puts them to bed at 7:30. I have them Wednesday evening to Sunday evening, and I get every 2nd Friday off work, so I have them really the lion's share of the time.

Any woman I'm dating that I tell the schedule to is baffled that she wouldn't want them more. But she doesn't. I love my kids to bits and will take them any time (not that I don't enjoy some free time as well to do grown up stuff).

She knows if she doesn't keep it together, I'll sue for full custody. So far she seems to be doing reasonably well. She works around 60 hours a week.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good that she shaped up. TheGoodGuy's catering industry exWW lost her job and apt. He has their daughter fu time after she attempted suicide.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Healer said:


> For those 10 weeks, she was so happy (aside from the fear) - we followed the books and made time for each other every day...had amazing sex every day, I'd wake up at 3 am every morning when she'd get home from work and we'd be with each other. We were so loving, so affectionate. We did all the things for each other we hadn't done in years - we made us a priority...and she fell in love with me again.
> 
> Then I told her I wasn't coming home. She was devastated and fought hard, physically and emotionally. But I was done.


To me, this is exhibit no. 1 as to why a BS should take their time before deciding their next step (either R or D). Let the emotions settle a bit and don't commit to something until you have a chance to take a breath and look around.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Healer said:


> Did you get any satisfaction from ending the R, or regain a balance in power, or gain the lion's share of power back? Did you take any pleasure or joy in turning the tables? Did regaining that power help heal you some?
> 
> At the time I certainly did not...I felt pain and sorrow, and relief. But not (at the time) did I feel balance restored or get any satisfaction.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this but I also think what you just posted is so important and telling, the true grittyness of R the ups and downs. The constant nagging in the back of your mind. I will add more in a moment I have to gather my thoughts together. Again I'm sorry you are going through this but I think you made the right choice.


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