# I need help quickly



## Thegoodman

I have an issue and don’t know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married over 2 years and we get along great. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone. I have a powerful gift of discernment and I can sense when things are not right so I’ve been sad and down for the last few weeks. She asked yesterday why I was down. She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him. I’m not sure what is going on and haven’t been able to ask her yet. I’m not sure if I should feel as hurt about this as I do. I am looking for tHe best way to handle it and approach it. Thanks


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## EleGirl

Whatever she's thinking, it's not rational. He died of an overdose. She clearly dogged a bullet by staying with him. But she is romanticizing him? 

I have mixed feelings about this. I can understand why this is bothering you. She's married to you. She love you. But she's writing letters to a dead drug addict lamenting his death. It must make you feel pretty lousy.

But, the reason I have mixed feelings is that I had something similar happen to me. I was married to a guy who I left/divorced for good reasons. We dated for 3 years and were married for 3 before i divorced him. A few years later he killed himself. I only found out about his death because i ran into one of his cousins who told me. She gave me no details, such as how he killed himself. I had not thought about him in years. I did not care about him. But after finding out about his death, I could not sleep for a couple of days. My head was on auto pilot going through my relationship with him. I just could not turn it off. In retrospect, I think this was my minds way of putting him what my relationship with him meant to my life as a whole in perspective.

I think you need to talk to her and let her. Let her talk about his death and what's going on in her head. And tell her how it makes you feel to find notes like those she is writing to him. Point out that she is clearly building a fantasy around him that is dangerous to your relationship. Surely she is not really lamenting the loss of a relationship to a drug addict.


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## Taxman

I agree with EleGirl's assessment of this situation. I would have a gentle conversation with her about romanticizing a previous relationship now that one of the partners is dead and gone. I would recommend that the two of you seek out a therapist and tackle this together. What she is likely feeling is guilt, in that had she remained in a relationship with him, instead of saving herself, she would have been able to fend off the overdose. That is irrational and needs to be addressed in therapy.

The unfortunate thing is that she has regressed in your relationship, and that is causing friction. I believe that the prudent course of action would be first to discuss this rationally and openly, in relation to your marriage and her feelings of whatever, remorse, regret and guilt that comes from her ex's death, then to schedule counseling so that she can deal with this effectively.


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## Bananapeel

This has been going on for 2 months, correct? I understand she is hurting and you want to support her BUT you are her husband and you should come first. You should also have enough self worth to not tolerate this behavior. I'd personally just tell her the truth. Say you found her e-mails to the dead boyfriend, you were deeply hurt by them, and you want her to leave because she's not behaving in a way you expect from your wife. Then leave it up to her to try to salvage your relationship through counseling (or whatever), if the relationship still has meaning to her. Then you don't do anything other than observe her actions and decide based on her actions if you want to stay married to her. 

Notice my signature. I said that to my former wife and meant it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

My opinion is similar. She's romanticizing him, and may feel guilty, and a non-rational "if only I'd done this/that" syndrome. Not unusual, if she did have feelings for him at that time in her life. 

One of my college roommates killed himself after I graduated and he was still finishing up his classes. We had grown some close, as only roommates can. When I first found out I had a few albeit just for a short time, thoughts of what ifs. I realized that wasn't a real thing, if he was going to do it, it would be narcissistic of me to think I had the over all ability to change all things. Imho.

Talk to her about it. Help her grieve a bit perhaps but help her move on.

We move on by being thankful and grateful for people and certain things in our lives. Help her move past what she's feeling by focusing on the present.

Good wishes.


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## Robbie1234

A few years ago when I started dating again I was occasionally having nights out with a woman who worked in a local supermarket. We would meet for drinks or a meal but it never went any further,I was interested in moving forward and she seemed to agree but nothing happened. We broke up but still chatted and one day she asked me to fix her lights,I am an electrician.Up until then I had never been in her home and when I got there I saw dozens of photographs of some young man on the walls. It was her first boyfriend who was killed in the troubles in Northern Ireland. 
She had never let him go in her mind. A friend gave me this advice,you can compete with any man except a dead one.


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## Lostinthought61

Goodman, 

I agree with many here, you can't fight with the past...you will always fall short because they have created shrine in their mind, therefore i would confront her with her and just tell her that you intend to find someone who wants you for the man you are and then tell her that soon enough you will become her past.


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## SunCMars

I see this differently......

She wrote those notes, assuming he would/could read them.
She sees death differently than most people.

She may believe that the dead can walk among the living, that they look in on the living, from time to time.
By taking the effort to write out her true feelings she hoped that he would know this, after the fact.

She likely will visit his grave and talk to him. Unless, of course, he was cremated.

This was her way of ridding herself of some guilt. She truly loved him.
She regrets abandoning him.

I would keep a close eye on her.

........................................................................

Are you sure she was not 'still' seeing him or communicating with him, while married to you? 

Somehow her happiness depended on his state of being. When he died, so did a part of her.

I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.

.........................................................................................................

Her reasoning mind dumped him, not her loving heart.

If she left those notes haphazardly, knowing you might find them, is not a good omen.

Watch her closely.


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## badsanta

Thegoodman said:


> She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him.


She may be blaming herself for what happened and/or she could be depressed and she is thinking about reuniting with him by overdosing herself. 

If I were you I would preemptively get rid of any pills in the house that she could use for an overdose. 

Then try and find something to engage your wife by asking for her help with something and be rather grateful to her for anything she does. Work on her confidence and avoid complaining. Perhaps claim you are having issues and need therapy. Ask if she will go with you.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## personofinterest

Bad Santa nailed it.

Look, you can go two ways. You can go all pseudo-alpha RedPill Napolean complex.

Or you can be open and honest but still human, compassionate, and an actual man.

Choose the latter. You dont have to be a chest thumping jackass to have boundaries.


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## jorgegene

Yah, her words say that he was her 'real love'.

Not good. Not good at all.

I'm not sure I would do anything drastic yet like telling her to leave or saying youre done with her yet.

But I would be pretty pissed.

If it were me? I guess I would wait and see if she comes to her senses.
I would give it more time. Two months is not a real long time. Patience is a virtue.
I would just wait. And at some point I would confront her with the goods and then detach if her behavior continues.

Like bannanapeel says, don't be second place.


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## sunsetmist

I think it might be pertinent to know why they broke up. How long was it before y'all got together and how long were you together before you married?

Did/does she use drugs?


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## SunCMars

Thegoodman said:


> . In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone.


Grieving over someone [now dead] yet 'once' loved in your past is OK.
It shows that guilt, empathy and love 'exist' in her. 

It shows that these good qualites are present in her.

*Her, showing you coldness is what bothers me.*

Chalk it off to her being depressed. 

Nevertheless, and I repeat, watch her carefully.

Competing with a memory, competing with a known ghost is preferable to competing with a living "What if?".

What if he had straightened himself out? 
What if he had turned his life around?
What if after these improvements, he came sniffing, snooping around your back door?


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## SunCMars

Love that melts quickly is hoar frost.
Not real ice, not crystallized.

Her love does not melt quickly.
It is real, hardly fleeting.

The Typist I-

.....................................................................................................................................................................

And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.
Job 6:16

But they that fear the hoarfrost, the snow shall fall upon them.
Job 38:29

From whose belly came forth the ice? And the hoar-frost of the heavens, Who hath begotten it?
Psalm 147:16

He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes.
Psalm 147:16


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## BluesPower

personofinterest said:


> Bad Santa nailed it.
> 
> Look, you can go two ways. You can go all pseudo-alpha RedPill Napolean complex.
> 
> Or you can be open and honest but still human, compassionate, and an actual man.
> 
> Choose the latter. You dont have to be a chest thumping jackass to have boundaries.


You know I think this is a little harsh to an extent. There are a lot of things that we don't know. 

1) Were they actually still seeing each other at some level, or had seen each other during the marriage? 
2) Is OP actually #2, it sure seems like it. 
3) Why did she even marry him, oh yeah, he was a nice guy. 

I agree that they need to talk, with out a doubt. And it needs to be calm and caring, but hey, if you don't love me then I am out. 

You see that don't you, you cannot compete against a dead man...


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## WildMustang

SunCMars said:


> I see this differently......
> 
> She wrote those notes, assuming he would/could read them.
> She sees death differently than most people.
> 
> She may believe that the dead can walk among the living, that they look in on the living, from time to time.
> By taking the effort to write out her true feelings she hoped that he would know this, after the fact.
> 
> She likely will visit his grave and talk to him. Unless, of course, he was cremated.
> 
> This was her way of ridding herself of some guilt. She truly loved him.
> She regrets abandoning him.
> 
> I would keep a close eye on her.
> 
> ........................................................................
> 
> Are you sure she was not 'still' seeing him or communicating with him, while married to you?
> 
> Somehow her happiness depended on his state of being. When he died, so did a part of her.
> 
> I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.
> 
> .........................................................................................................
> 
> Her reasoning mind dumped him, not her loving heart.
> 
> If she left those notes haphazardly, knowing you might find them, is not a good omen.
> 
> Watch her closely.


I agree with most of this, except I do not think she left the notes haphazardly knowing he might find them. I think she is so distraught in her grief and so disoriented in romanticizing him that she mistakenly left the notes out, but not purposely.

Death is so final that it has a way of making a person only remember the good times and minimize the bad times, even rewrite history, as a means of healing. 

Perhaps at one time, the deceased boyfriend was her "real love" and for whatever reason, she never conveyed that fully to him, so she is conveying it now (even though he is deceased and even though she may not currently still consider him her "true love")

Some women, including me, will journal an ongoing love letter to the man she loves, pouring her heart out to him. 

I currently have one such ongoing love letter in the form of a journal to a man I love where I pour my heart out to him.

In this OP's particular case, the man/exboyfriend is no longer living, so perhaps it is therapeutic for her to tell him how she felt about him, especially if she never told him when he was living, or if they broke up with many things left unspoken, unsaid.

This may be her way of finding closure now.

If so, if it helps her find closure and helps her heal from the grief so she can go on with her life with her husband, the OP, is this such a bad thing?

I don't think it is. It may even be healthy.

OP, I would not take it personally. It isn't really about you. It is about your wife grieving. It does not mean she does not love you. She chose you to be her husband. She chose to spend her life with you. Not him.

If she seems cold, cut her a little slack now. Let her grieve. Help her feel safe, loved and accepted in her grief.

I believe your relationship and marriage will grow stronger if you do, if you show her compassion during this difficult time.

And I also believe if you are harsh or insensitive during this difficult time of grief she is experiencing, that cannot be undone. 

Help her get through this. It will benefit your marriage, her and you greatly.


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## WildMustang

SunCMars said:


> She truly loved him.
> 
> When he died, so did a part of her.
> 
> I sense a strong unbroken link between the two.


Yes, I agree with this.


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## personofinterest

I see NOTHING in the opening post for us to go down the predictable and annoying typical affair road.


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## VibrantWings

She is grieving the loss of someone she once loved and may never see again.
My ex-husband died six months ago. We hadn't been together for twelve years but I am still grieving the loss of his friendship and the father of my children...the only other person on earth that loved them the way I do. 
We were never going to get back together. 
But I loved him a lot at one time and still valued his place in my and my family's life. His death has been hard.

All that being said, I understand your wife to some degree. I also understand your feelings.

Being depressed whilst grieving a significant loss seems....normal to me. 

Don't know what advice to give you about your wife other than realize that death is such a final hurt....as you may already know yourself. Her ex is not a threat to you....he is gone from this life for good. This is a season that you can weather together and perhaps end up stronger/better than before.


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## dadstartingover

The TOTGA (The One That Got Away)... there is nothing stronger. You'll never be number one. Now that the TOTGA is dead... oh boy. He's reached god-like status. 

Be careful.


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## TAMAT

There is a sense here, stronger or weaker depending on the details, that you were your Ws backup plan and not her first choice. While her Ex was still alive she still had hope of a reconciliation.

She may have married you for practical reasons as her Ex was not a possibility also for practical reasons.

I think this happens more than we think, during the early years of my marriage my W still longed for OM1 and the deep passion she could never feel for me. I never realized this until decades later.

Tamat


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## WildMustang

VibrantWings said:


> She is grieving the loss of someone she once loved and may never see again.
> My ex-husband died six months ago. We hadn't been together for twelve years but I am still grieving the loss of his friendship and the father of my children...the only other person on earth that loved them the way I do.
> We were never going to get back together.
> But I loved him a lot at one time and still valued his place in my and my family's life. His death has been hard.
> 
> All that being said, I understand your wife to some degree. I also understand your feelings.
> 
> Being depressed whilst grieving a significant loss seems....normal to me.
> 
> Don't know what advice to give you about your wife other than realize that death is such a final hurt....as you may already know yourself. Her ex is not a threat to you....he is gone from this life for good. This is a season that you can weather together and perhaps end up stronger/better than before.


This is sound advice. OP, Listen to this. 

@VibrantWings, I am so sorry for your loss. And for your children's loss.

OP I am so sorry your wife and you are going through this. 

If you handle this well, your wife and you can grow together and make your marriage stronger. 

If you do not handle it well, it can weaken your bond with your wife.

As @VibrantWings said, this deceased man is no threat to you, if you handle this well, with kindness, sensitivity, love and compassion.


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## BluesPower

WildMustang said:


> I agree with most of this, except I do not think she left the notes haphazardly knowing he might find them. I think she is so distraught in her grief and so disoriented in romanticizing him that she mistakenly left the notes out, but not purposely.
> 
> Death is so final that it has a way of making a person only remember the good times and minimize the bad times, even rewrite history, as a means of healing.
> 
> Perhaps at one time, the deceased boyfriend was her "real love" and for whatever reason, she never conveyed that fully to him, so she is conveying it now (even though he is deceased and even though she may not currently still consider him her "true love")
> 
> Some women, including me, will journal an ongoing love letter to the man she loves, pouring her heart out to him.
> 
> I currently have one such ongoing love letter in the form of a journal to a man I love where I pour my heart out to him.
> 
> In this OP's particular case, the man/exboyfriend is no longer living, so perhaps it is therapeutic for her to tell him how she felt about him, especially if she never told him when he was living, or if they broke up with many things left unspoken, unsaid.
> 
> This may be her way of finding closure now.
> 
> If so, if it helps her find closure and helps her heal from the grief so she can go on with her life with her husband, the OP, is this such a bad thing?
> 
> I don't think it is. It may even be healthy.
> 
> OP, I would not take it personally. It isn't really about you. It is about your wife grieving. It does not mean she does not love you. She chose you to be her husband. She chose to spend her life with you. Not him.
> 
> If she seems cold, cut her a little slack now. Let her grieve. Help her feel safe, loved and accepted in her grief.
> 
> I believe your relationship and marriage will grow stronger if you do, if you show her compassion during this difficult time.
> 
> And I also believe if you are harsh or insensitive during this difficult time of grief she is experiencing, that cannot be undone.
> 
> Help her get through this. It will benefit your marriage, her and you greatly.


You know, I just don't get it. My GF wants me, and me only and I want her and her only. 

I wonder how you would feel if you found your H pouring his hart out to his lost love. 

Seems like some people want all the cake. If she has these feeling she does not love her husband, sorry it does not work like that. 

What may would ever have such low self esteem as to take being second place to a dead man. 

You know what the best thing about my GF is... Yeah she is beautiful, loving, caring, great in bed, and on and on... but you what the best thing is, she loves ME like no other woman in my life. 

Anything less, would not be acceptable...


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## VibrantWings

WildMustang said:


> This is sound advice. OP, Listen to this.
> 
> @VibrantWings, I am so sorry for your loss. And for your children's loss.


Thank you- you are always very kind


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## WildMustang

BluesPower said:


> You know, I just don't get it. My GF wants me, and me only and I want her and her only.
> 
> I wonder how you would feel if you found your H pouring his hart out to his lost love.
> 
> Seems like some people want all the cake. If she has these feeling she does not love her husband, sorry it does not work like that.
> 
> What may would ever have such low self esteem as to take being second place to a dead man.
> 
> You know what the best thing about my GF is... Yeah she is beautiful, loving, caring, great in bed, and on and on... but you what the best thing is, she loves ME like no other woman in my life.
> 
> Anything less, would not be acceptable...


Well...I do not know how I would feel until I am in those shoes.

But I *THINK* and I *HOPE *I would feel great compassion and empathy for my grieving, hurting husband, and I *THINK* and I *HOPE* I would value him and our marriage enough to help get us through the grief he would be experiencing.

My self esteem is healthy enough to not be threatened by a dead person, not be jealous of a dead person my spouse is grieving.


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## WildMustang

BluesPower said:


> You know, I just don't get it. My GF wants me, and me only and I want her and her only.
> 
> I wonder how you would feel if you found your H pouring his hart out to his lost love.
> 
> Seems like some people want all the cake. If she has these feeling she does not love her husband, sorry it does not work like that.
> 
> What may would ever have such low self esteem as to take being second place to a dead man.
> 
> You know what the best thing about my GF is... Yeah she is beautiful, loving, caring, great in bed, and on and on... but you what the best thing is, she loves ME like no other woman in my life.
> 
> Anything less, would not be acceptable...


I disagree with your statement that "If she has these feelings she does not love her husband" because when a woman (or man) is grieving the death of someone she (or he) once loved, 

those emotions are all so jumbled up, overlapping, confused, chaotic, distorted, muted, amplified, numbed, crystallized, etc all at the same time. 

A person who is grieving the death of someone they once loved is trying to stay balanced while feeling incredibly disoriented emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

It is common to have what is known as "misplaced emotions" where what you feel for one person (perhaps her husband) is misplaced or "transferred" to another person (her exboyfriend), 

The love she expressed toward her deceased ex boyfriend may very well be feelings for her husband that are being "transferred" to her ex boyfriend.

Transference of feelings is a very real thing in the realm of psychology, especially in times of grief.

Couple that with a strong dose of survivor's guilt and regret she likely feels that she could not save him.

His wife needs empathy at this time, and she needs her husband to be strong enough to realize her grief is not about him, it is not about their marriage and it is not about whether or not she loves her husband.

Once she has fully processed her grief, if he feels it needs to be addressed, he can address it then. 

Now is *NOT* the time. 

If he tries to address it now, it could do irreparable harm to the marriage.


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## WildMustang

BluesPower said:


> Anything less, would not be acceptable...


I hope for the sake of your relationship with your girlfriend and for her sake, that ya'll never experience the death of someone she once loved before you.

I typically agree with you on most things you post @BluesPower, but we are miles apart on this one. Maybe continents apart.


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## Oceania

VibrantWings said:


> She is grieving the loss of someone she once loved and may never see again.
> My ex-husband died six months ago. We hadn't been together for twelve years but I am still grieving the loss of his friendship and the father of my children...*the only other person on earth that loved them the way I do*.
> We were never going to get back together.
> But I loved him a lot at one time and still valued his place in my and my family's life. His death has been hard.


Yes...


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## SunCMars

@Thegoodman

Please post more. 

Let us know what you think about what 'we' think!

I re-read your first and only post. 
Her written words have very strong undertones and unwritten meaning.

I agree with most here who say to 'give her as much support as possible' while she works her way through this.


Do so in the short term.

........................................................................

She is hurt, she is grieving.

After reading what she wrote, now you are doing the same thing.

In short, this thread of yours shows the very fundamental differences in the way men and women think.
While both sexes value loyalty, generally, men seem to put a higher price tag on it. It is an ego thing.


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## BluesPower

WildMustang said:


> I hope for the sake of your relationship with your girlfriend and for her sake, that ya'll never experience the death of someone she once loved before you.
> 
> I typically agree with you on most things you post @BluesPower, but we are miles apart on this one. Maybe continents apart.


I respect your opinion, but I just disagree. 

And if this type of thing happened to me, sorry, she would be gone. I never come in second place. 

Sorry to be so hard, but it is the way that I feel. And my self worth is fully in tact, and always will be. 

That is why I would not accept this situation...


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## WildMustang

BluesPower said:


> I respect your opinion, but I just disagree.
> 
> And if this type of thing happened to me, sorry, she would be gone. I never come in second place.
> 
> Sorry to be so hard, but it is the way that I feel. And my self worth is fully in tact, and always will be.
> 
> That is why I would not accept this situation...


Likewise, I respect your opinion as well and we can respectfully agree to disagree, as we just did.

No need to say sorry. Your opinion is just as valid as mine or anyone else's opinion.

Like everyone, you are entitled to your feelings and thoughts.

The OP was looking for different perspectives and opinions and we are all giving him exactly that-different perspectives and opinions.

He is free to pick and choose what most resonates with him.

That is what I love about TAM!


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## WildMustang

SunCMars said:


> *After reading what she wrote, now you are doing the same thing.*


YES...I was just about to post the same thing...you beat me to it @SunCMars.

Now the OP is grieving and of course, his ego is hurt after reading what she wrote. 

OP also needs compassion and empathy, but I am not sure his wife is stable enough and strong enough to give it to him at this time due to her own grief. 

*


SunCMars said:



In short, this thread of yours shows the very fundamental differences in the way men and women think.
While both sexes value loyalty, generally, men seem to put a higher price tag on it. It is an ego thing.

Click to expand...

*I agree that both sexes value loyalty, but I do not believe that men put a higher price tag on it or that men value loyalty more than women do.

I just think men and women define loyalty differently.


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## SunCMars

A simple thread like this brings out un-simple emotions.
Un-simple solutions.


We want our loved ones to love others, to be emphatic with others.
To care about others.

But...........

Butts from a goat are swift, are unexpected, are in truth, effective.

They come from all angles.
None can be ignored.

All are from the heart.


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## SunCMars

Robbie1234 said:


> A friend gave me this advice,you can compete with any man except a dead one.


Yes...but no.
Or, not so much.

I would rather compete with a dead suitor than a live one.

The dead person is made up of dead memories. 

Mine are still living.
They are still creating new memories for her.

My lips, my arms, my hands are real.
When I kiss her, hold her, touch her she will feel it.

When the dead man does this he does it from the past, does so from her memories.

A live and loving man can provide his woman living comfort, living passion, actual orgasms.
The dead man provides mind movies, none original, none recent.

I do concede that any suitor, living or dead is a threat to a relationship.

Just Sayin'



The Typist I-


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## SunCMars

SunCMars said:


> Love that melts quickly is hoar frost.
> Not real ice, not crystallized.
> 
> Her love does not melt quickly.
> It is real, hardly fleeting.
> 
> The Typist I-
> 
> .....................................................................................................................................................................
> 
> And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.
> Job 6:16
> 
> But they that fear the hoarfrost, the snow shall fall upon them.
> Job 38:29
> 
> From whose belly came forth the ice? And the hoar-frost of the heavens, Who hath begotten it?
> Psalm 147:16
> 
> He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes.
> Psalm 147:16


On this, not a 'like' received??

Therefore, I feel I must further expound on this.

Her love for her EXBF was crystallized. 
That tells me that her love for him is locked in Permafrost.

She did indeed love him.Still did, does, to date.

She wrote those words. Oh, my! 

Did so, write those words after the fact. After she married you.

She was married to those thoughts, while married to you.

She was married to those thoughts, thoughts of him, a future with him. None of which materialized.

No. 

Yet, she is lamenting, writing, showing her regret.

In truth, a truth now revealed, she was married to feelings and love for him at the same time she kissed your lips.
She willing took your nectar into her fold, did so, while she loved him from afar.

You in her fold, he in her mind. Oh, my!

This, for me, is too much to bear. 
To bare her words, lay them naked on my bare body.

The words would make my mind shrink from her, my member to shrink from view.
Shrink away in anguish, in grief.

Oh, my!

But she now memorialized those thoughts, made them real....... made you plainly, plan B. 
As others have said.

King Brian-
.......................................................................................

Disclosure:

These thoughts are not mine. Their basis derive from the archives of SunCMars.

SunCMars is gone. His battleship is mothballed. Do not doubt me when I bring back some of his words and feelings.
When I take his rusty, massive ship back out to sea.

When I uncap those guns, charge them, load them.....let those guns tear up the landscape. 
As I have done here.

Men and women must be transparent. 
They should give their love freely, openly. 
They should have no deep secrets to the contrary.

Wishful thinking....I know.


KB-


----------



## Andy1001

SunCMars said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> 
> Love that melts quickly is hoar frost.
> Not real ice, not crystallized.
> 
> Her love does not melt quickly.
> It is real, hardly fleeting.
> 
> The Typist I-
> 
> .....................................................................................................................................................................
> 
> And when the dew that lay was gone up, behold, upon the face of the wilderness there lay a small round thing, as small as the hoar frost on the ground.
> Job 6:16
> 
> But they that fear the hoarfrost, the snow shall fall upon them.
> Job 38:29
> 
> From whose belly came forth the ice? And the hoar-frost of the heavens, Who hath begotten it?
> Psalm 147:16
> 
> He giveth snow like wool: he scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes.
> Psalm 147:16
> 
> 
> 
> On this, not a 'like' received??
> 
> Therefore, I feel I must further expound on this.
> 
> Her love for her EXBF was crystallized.
> That tells me that her love for him is locked in Permafrost.
> 
> She did indeed love him.Still did, does, to date.
> 
> She wrote those words. Oh, my!
> 
> Did so, write those words after the fact. After she married you.
> 
> She was married to those thoughts, while married to you.
> 
> She was married to those thoughts, thoughts of him, a future with him. None of which materialized.
> 
> No.
> 
> Yet, she is lamenting, writing, showing her regret.
> 
> In truth, a truth now revealed, she was married to feelings and love for him at the same time she kissed your lips.
> She willing took your nectar into her fold, did so, while she loved him from afar.
> 
> You in her fold, he in her mind. Oh, my!
> 
> This, for me, is too much to bear.
> To bare her words, lay them naked on my bare body.
> 
> The words would make my mind shrink from her, my member to shrink from view.
> Shrink away in anguish, in grief.
> 
> Oh, my!
> 
> But she now memorialized those thoughts, made them real....... made you plainly, plan B.
> As others have said.
> 
> King Brian-
> .......................................................................................
> 
> Disclosure:
> 
> These thoughts are not mine. Their basis derive from the archives of SunCMars.
> 
> SunCMars is gone. His battleship is mothballed. Do not doubt me when I bring back some of his words and feelings.
> When I take his rusty, massive ship back out to sea.
> 
> When I uncap those guns, charge them, load them.....let those guns tear up the landscape.
> As I have done here.
> 
> Men and women must be transparent.
> They should give their love freely, openly.
> They should have no deep secrets to the contrary.
> 
> Wishful thinking....I know.
> 
> 
> KB-
Click to expand...

So what you are saying in your eloquent prose is “The only good ex is a dead ex”. 
Or am I wrong?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

SunCMars said:


> Yes...but no.
> Or, not so much.
> 
> I would rather compete with a dead suitor than a live one.
> 
> The dead person is made up of dead memories.
> 
> Mine are still living.
> They are still creating new memories for her.
> 
> My lips, my arms, my hands are real.
> When I kiss her, hold her, touch her she will feel it.
> 
> When the dead man does this he does it from the past, does so from her memories.
> 
> A live and loving man can provide his woman living comfort, living passion, actual orgasms.
> The dead man provides mind movies, none original, none recent.
> 
> I do concede that any suitor, living or dead is a threat to a relationship.
> 
> Just Sayin'
> 
> 
> 
> The Typist I-


There is a lot of truth in how we allow the past to influence the present... 

If the memories are of thoughts of good intentions, such as the way one learned a lesson in life, how we had a helping hand up, overcame a dark time and walked away lessons learned... these are helpful.

If the thoughts are of unattained desire, placing the present in a secondary state wishing for a different outcome than the past brought, then this will be damaging as the ripples spread and touch all around the dropped thoughts and words.

It would hurt and it is fair for our opening poster to feel it... to have the feelings rightfully reserved for him shared with such a past and what is a painful truth of the present. He knows for the moment he is not her focus... address it as such and be forthcoming that this is known. 

It does change the relationship... how it changes it is really not in his control. What he can do is decide what is healthy for him as he balances his hurt with what she may have really wanted in life as what she has claimed to miss is still not known.

It is hard to be kind in disappointment... yet the kindest thing often does the least damage.

A rough limbo this kind of patience... the truth shines best in the open as you navigate where the relationship may go down dimly lit paths but at least you will be walking them in the present.


----------



## SunCMars

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It is hard to be kind in disappointment... yet the kindest thing often does the least damage.


EB-

Extremely well written and thought-out. 
Thank you!
...................................................................

Yes, he needs to calmly, quietly, kindly....leave.


The thing is....
She never left. She never arrived.

She never left her EXBF.
She never arrived for her husband.

OP married a faux ghost and a real live shadow, the EXBF.
Now, he is married to a else-place ghost and a ghost made real.

OP now has many ghosts afloat, all we's, now us. 

Him, ghosting us. 

Shame!

Not nice, this, this hiding in pain site.


The Typist I-


----------



## WildMustang

I think it is a huge mistake to minimize or discount the context in which she wrote these words. The context being, that she wrote them while in deep grief. Given that, we can not assume or presume that her husband is her Plan B, that she still loves the ex boyfriend or that she does not love her husband. To do so could be an epic mistake. Grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly.


----------



## WildMustang

SunCMars said:


> Yes, he needs to calmly, quietly, kindly....leave.
> 
> 
> The thing is....
> She never left. She never arrived.
> 
> She never left her EXBF.
> She never arrived for her husband.
> 
> OP married a faux ghost and a real live shadow, the EXBF.
> Now, he is married to a else-place ghost and a ghost made real.


I can see where this could be a possibility. It makes sense. BUT, and it is a huge BUT, we do not know that this is the case. It may be. Or it may not be the case.

It would be tragic if the husband "quietly, calmly, kindly left" and it turned out that those words she wrote did not accurately convey her true feelings toward the ex boyfriend and her husband.

Keep in mind the context in which she wrote those words.


----------



## Deejo

Thegoodman said:


> I have an issue and don’t know how to handle it. My wife and I have been married over 2 years and we get along great. In July she found out her ex boyfriend right before me died of an overdose. Since then it has felt she isn’t “all in” in our marriage. Sex became blah and not as frequent. Romantic things like touching, holding hands and kissing is mostly gone. I have a powerful gift of discernment and I can sense when things are not right so I’ve been sad and down for the last few weeks. She asked yesterday why I was down. She left for work and I found a message to her ex boyfriend after he died about how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. That message was in July after she found out about his death. Then the next message was 2 days ago saying she misses him. I’m not sure what is going on and haven’t been able to ask her yet. I’m not sure if I should feel as hurt about this as I do. I am looking for tHe best way to handle it and approach it. Thanks


Let's condense the nonsense.

What do you want to do, and what are you capable of?

There is a great deal of speculation about the mind-set of your wife. You're the one posting, so my suggestion for the moment is that you focus on how you feel and what you can do.

You can be her rock: "I know that you are hurting, I hope you can find a way to let me help you, but you have to talk to me ... about all of it."

You can be the rock: Keep your distance, let her work through it, support her if she seeks you out, or call her out if her behavior becomes more morbid or delusional.

Hide under a rock: Ruminate on your own feelings of hurt, and be jealous of the romanticized, fictional version, of her dead ex-boyfriend.

My .02 cents is definitely don't pick #3.


----------



## SunCMars

Andy1001 said:


> So what you are saying in your eloquent prose is “The only good ex is a dead ex”.
> Or am I wrong?


Wish Death on no one, lest it boomerang back upon you.
Oh, yes. Believe this adage.

Can one wish someones death be at others hands or at their own doing, not yours'?

Forget not, your' wish still is, remains your' doing.

Plant the wish in some other mind.....
Then forget it.

And hope it brings forth its foul, soon decaying fruit.
And hope the Devils fruit flies do not eat of this.

And come back and kiss your lips.

Agh!



[The Unknown One]


----------



## farsidejunky

The only place your analysis doesn't fit is in her actions toward the OP over the last few months.


WildMustang said:


> I think it is a huge mistake to minimize or discount the context in which she wrote these words. The context being, that she wrote them while in deep grief. Given that, we can not assume or presume that her husband is her Plan B, that she still loves the ex boyfriend or that she does not love her husband. To do so could be an epic mistake. Grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks

I suspect your wife is feeling guilty for leaving him and marrying you - if only she hadn't left, he would still be alive. That is a fantasy she has cooked up in her mind. She isn't rational at the moment.

The fact she is grieving his death and her perceived part in it has nothing to do with her love for you. It has to do with her thinking she is a bad person for leaving him and writing those notes is an attempt to seek his forgiveness.

Do talk with her about her distance and let her know you are aware she is grieving. 

The good part in all this is that you know your wife can love deeply and has a conscience.


----------



## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> I suspect your wife is feeling guilty for leaving him and marrying you - if only she hadn't left, he would still be alive. That is a fantasy she has cooked up in her mind. She isn't rational at the moment.
> 
> The fact she is grieving his death and her perceived part in it has nothing to do with her love for you. It has to do with her thinking she is a bad person for leaving him and writing those notes is an attempt to seek his forgiveness.
> 
> Do talk with her about her distance and let her know you are aware she is grieving.
> 
> The good part in all this is that you know your wife can love deeply and has a conscience.


Now, you show up, put in a few centavos, offer another scintilla of truth. Your words ring true, they seem to ring out something I wrote.

Dunno!

I just hope our OP is not a one-bomb thrower, a bashful dude, he, an aspirant writer, not.

I fear we lost him, nay, he lost himself when he found those messages.

If it upset so many [of us] on TAM, think what it did to him.

Those messages, the ones written by a wounded lady, not his lady.

Or, so it seems.


We may never find out. 

She wrote those messages, she wrote her dear EXBF, she wrote @Thegoodman off when she wrote spot-on and how she presently felt.

If strangers can feel his pain, again, think how he must feel.

The injustice of this, of life for him. She wrote that EXBF was the one. How can others not see this, feel this, deny this.

I know, make the good man feel good. 

Ach! Tis a lie, a feel-good, truth diverting lie. 
It lying somewhere south of the truth.

She penned this truth, not only out of guilt, also from a truth, the truth held and believed by her.

She loved him dearly, wanted to marry him. 

He fell short, she bailed, he died, so did she.



The Typist-


----------



## PreRaph

WildMustang said:


> I think it is a huge mistake to minimize or discount the context in which she wrote these words. The context being, that she wrote them while in deep grief. Given that, we can not assume or presume that her husband is her Plan B, that she still loves the ex boyfriend or that she does not love her husband. To do so could be an epic mistake. Grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly.


Granted that she wrote them in grief, but I agree with BluesPower and SunC and some others that you also cannot minimize her reaction to her husband -- he senses that she has become distant, no longer interested in him, and worse, that she sees her husband in light of the road she did not take and wish she had taken. 

Blondilocks: She may be blaming herself, but it's hard for a person to shoulder that, and so she may also be shifting the blame to her husband. That's the disturbing part of this -- is she just asking for his forgiveness (the deceased boyfriend) or is she telling him/herself that he is/was the real love of her life which she has now lost forever? 

Being the loving, caring husband who understands her grief won't make a bit of difference if it's the latter. In that case, husband might be much better off telling her that he understands her grief and is willing to share, but not if she is filled with regret for marrying him, her husband, rather than her true love. 

"I am not responsible for your unhappiness." That is what one husband told me that he said to his wife one day. It woke her up.


----------



## Blondilocks

Her message doesn't indicate that ex-bf was "the one". Most of us concede that there can be more than one "the one" - just look at the remarriage rate. He still needs to talk to her and get this out in the open. She may be appalled at how her behavior has affected her husband and what his thoughts are on the matter. Clearly she had some unfinished business with the ex.


----------



## Affaircare

WildMustang said:


> I think it is a huge mistake to minimize or discount the context in which she wrote these words. The context being, that she wrote them while in deep grief. Given that, we can not assume or presume that her husband is her Plan B, that she still loves the ex boyfriend or that she does not love her husband. To do so could be an epic mistake. Grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly.


I agree that grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly--BTDT and earned the t-shirt. Losing an XBF is nothing compared to losing a faithful, loving spouse, and I know for a fact my mind as not clear for a time. 

That being said, having lost a spouse and moved on to dating a wonderful man, even considering the context, I do NOT have my current sweetheart compete with my dead spouse nor do I give my loyalty to my dead spouse. My dead spouse is gone and is not the future--my current sweetie is alive, present and at minimum a representation of life in the future. 

Thus, I think I would understand if she had written to the XBF something like "To close our chapter and move on fully, I want you to know I loved you back then and your loss will be noticed." This would be like closing a door--she's legitimately grieving and saying her goodbyes. But she didn't say that. She took something that was not hers to take (her loyalty to her husband--the man who has been by her side all these years and didn't leave her), and she gave that away to another. 

I think to minimize THAT--the giving away of loyalty--would be a major issue. Yes, I do believe in compassion and understanding, and I have an excellent teacher who teaches by example...yet IMHO the way she wrote demonstrates lack of loyalty that will need to be addressed and not rugswept, whether she was grieving or not. 

Let me summarize: grieving is hard, but it doesn't give you license to behave badly or dishonorably.


----------



## Thor

I think this is a serious situation, but the outcome is unknown for a while.

Clearly she had some unresolved feelings about him and the relationship. This speaks to OP being Plan B. Maybe only to the fictional romanticized version in her head of her ex-bf, but still a form of Plan B. Actually sitting down and writing a letter to her ex would not be a normal thing to do given it had been years since they broke up. It is normal she would feel some sadness about his death and the fact he fell so far into drugs as to overdose. But to write out the things she did seems to me to be unusual. And then just recently to write again about missing him.

Maybe this is some of the stuff from my marriage being stirred up, but I would not tolerate such behavior any further. She needs to be brought into present reality or it is time to leave. Either she realizes she is not being loyal to her marriage nor to OP personally, or it is time to let her go.

I would confront her about it as others have described. Perhaps even attend some MC. Maybe she is just overly sentimental about everything. Maybe there is something else in her life which has made her feel irrationally responsible for his death.

This will need to be resolved conclusively if it is to be truly put away. If not, it will bubble up again and again in the future, which will be death by a thousand cuts to the marriage.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

Don't have kids until this is resolved. If she continues to be "in mourning", you will know what it feels like to realize "I'm the guy she settled for, not the guy she wanted."

Do you know how serious a relationship it was? How long? Were they engaged?


----------



## WildMustang

farsidejunky said:


> The only place your analysis doesn't fit is in her actions toward the OP over the last few months.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


If her actions toward her husband were BEFORE the death of her ex boyfriend, I could see your point.

But her actions toward her husband were AFTER the death of her ex boyfriend.

Admittedly, I am assuming many things and giving her the benefit of the doubt because I have no other info to go on.


----------



## WildMustang

Affaircare said:


> I agree that grief can really mess with a person's emotions and ability to think clearly--BTDT and earned the t-shirt. Losing an XBF is nothing compared to losing a faithful, loving spouse, and I know for a fact my mind as not clear for a time.
> 
> That being said, having lost a spouse and moved on to dating a wonderful man, even considering the context, I do NOT have my current sweetheart compete with my dead spouse nor do I give my loyalty to my dead spouse. My dead spouse is gone and is not the future--my current sweetie is alive, present and at minimum a representation of life in the future.
> 
> *I wonder if it may be a little different for you @Affaircare since your husband had already passed away and you had time to deal with the grief before meeting your current sweetie, whereas she is married when her ex boyfriend passed away and she cannot process the grief alone because her husband is there with her. He is there to witness her grief, which is undoubtedly tough on him.
> 
> I also wonder if it may be a little different because this death of the ex boyfriend is still very recent and fresh - in July - about a month or 6-8 weeks ago at most. I don't know, but I imagine her grief is still pretty raw.
> 
> While I think it would not make me question love or loyalty, I can understand how it could with others, because we all perceive and process things differently based upon our individual life experiences and histories.
> 
> It's okay for him to question her love and loyalty if he feels she is not showing him love and loyalty. If those are his feelings, they are valid. But he needs to be open to all possible answers to those questions and not just the answers that trigger his bruised ego. That's all I am saying. That he should not just assume the worst without examining further and considering all angles and perspectives.
> 
> Of course your current sweetie should not have to compete with your deceased spouse, and also OP should not have to compete with his wife's deceased boyfriend.
> 
> I guess I just do not see it as competing or having to compete just because she is grieving and writing what seems like flaky stuff to someone not grieving - stuff like she misses him and she was sorry she left him and they'd be married if they had stayed together.
> 
> I think it is possible for her to be madly in love with her husband and at the same time write that she misses her deceased boyfriend (maybe she just misses that he was alive and she does not necessarily miss him as a person or a lover...she left him for a reason and probably many reasons if he was a drug addict)
> 
> I think it is possible for her to be madly in love with her husband and feel sorry she left her ex boyfriend because she may feel guilty (false guilt) or responsible for his overdose. Lots of times surviving family and friends feel responsible..."If only I had done this or done that, he'd still be alive...it's my fault...I feel guilty that I am alive and happily married and he is so miserable after I left him that he took his own life..."
> 
> I think it is possible for her to be madly in love with her husband and acknowledge if she had stayed together with her ex boyfriend, they would be married. That may very well likely be married if they had stayed together. But they did not stay together. They broke up and she married her husband.
> 
> I do not see all the things she wrote and the decrease in their sex and romance as meaning she does not love her husband or that her husband is Plan B or that she is not being loyal to her husband.
> 
> Granted, those are some bizarre things to write but I can see where her grief, false guilt over not being able to save him, survivor's guilt over still being alive, healthy and happily married, transference of feelings, etc could explain why she wrote it*
> 
> Thus, I think I would understand if she had written to the XBF something like "To close our chapter and move on fully, I want you to know I loved you back then and your loss will be noticed." This would be like closing a door--she's legitimately grieving and saying her goodbyes. But she didn't say that.
> 
> *I agree. Ideally, this would be much more understandable and much less hurtful. But we all grieve differently.*
> 
> I think to minimize THAT--the giving away of loyalty--would be a major issue.
> 
> *If we knew for sure she were giving away loyalty, I wholeheartedly agree. But I don't know that she is giving away loyalty to the deceased ex boyfriend. I am not sold on that. Too many other possibilities that need to be explored before just assuming that. If it turns out to be that she is indeed giving away loyalty to her ex boyfriend that should be going to the husband, then yes, of course. It is wrong to minimize or discount that.*
> 
> *She may just be grieving and highly confused.*
> 
> Yes, I do believe in compassion and understanding, and I have an excellent teacher who teaches by example...yet IMHO the way she wrote demonstrates lack of loyalty that will need to be addressed and not rugswept, whether she was grieving or not.
> 
> Let me summarize: grieving is hard, but it doesn't give you license to behave badly or dishonorably.


 *I agree with this completely - that "grieving is hard but it does not give one the license to behave badly or dishonorably." I just do not consider her actions in the short term thus far as behaving badly or dishonorably.*


----------



## WildMustang

PreRaph said:


> Granted that she wrote them in grief, but I agree with BluesPower and SunC and some others that you also cannot minimize her reaction to her husband -- he senses that she has become distant, no longer interested in him, and worse, that she sees her husband in light of the road she did not take and wish she had taken.
> 
> Blondilocks: She may be blaming herself, but it's hard for a person to shoulder that, and so she may also be shifting the blame to her husband. That's the disturbing part of this -- is she just asking for his forgiveness (the deceased boyfriend) or is she telling him/herself that he is/was the real love of her life which she has now lost forever?
> 
> Being the loving, caring husband who understands her grief won't make a bit of difference if it's the latter. In that case, husband might be much better off telling her that he understands her grief and is willing to share, but not if she is filled with regret for marrying him, her husband, rather than her true love.
> 
> "I am not responsible for your unhappiness." That is what one husband told me that he said to his wife one day. It woke her up.


I can see and understand your points here and everyone else who has said similar or the same. 

While I do not think I would feel the same way, I get it -Especially this: *Being the loving, caring husband who understands her grief won't make a bit of difference if it's the latter. In that case, husband might be much better off telling her that he understands her grief and is willing to share, but not if she is filled with regret for marrying him, her husband, rather than her true love.*

If this is how she truly feels and not just the grief talking, then yeah - this is a problem. A HUGE problem! And one he needs to address promptly.

But he should not just jump the gun and assume this is the case. It could just be the grief talking.


----------



## WildMustang

Blondilocks said:


> Her message doesn't indicate that ex-bf was "the one". Most of us concede that there can be more than one "the one" - just look at the remarriage rate. He still needs to talk to her and get this out in the open. She may be appalled at how her behavior has affected her husband and what his thoughts are on the matter. Clearly she had some unfinished business with the ex.


I agree.


----------



## Thor

Blondilocks said:


> She may be appalled at how her behavior has affected her husband and what his thoughts are on the matter. Clearly she had some unfinished business with the ex.


That unfinished business needs to be put down for good. For me, how she reacts when OP discusses it with her will decide the outcome. My xw never got over her "the one". That unfinished business continued for decades, and she was not in the least appalled at how it affected me. In fact she turned it around on me angrily. The old "just get over it already", "it doesn't mean anything" etc responses.

Unfinished business is a form of EA.

I believe in being more towards the caveman side of the spectrum than the modern no-boundary Nice Guy side when it comes to this kind of situation. Being too nice, too understanding of her grief will set up a very bad dynamic for the future.

If OP's W shows she is upset at how she has hurt her husband it is a good sign. I like the approach of concerned but firm with her about her grief. She of course has the right to be upset that someone who she knew has died. But for it to linger like it has now for months is too long.


----------



## Blondilocks

Thor said:


> That unfinished business needs to be put down for good. For me, how she reacts when OP discusses it with her will decide the outcome. My xw never got over her "the one". That unfinished business continued for decades, and she was not in the least appalled at how it affected me. In fact she turned it around on me angrily. The old "just get over it already", "it doesn't mean anything" etc responses.
> 
> Unfinished business is a form of EA.
> 
> I believe in being more towards the caveman side of the spectrum than the modern no-boundary Nice Guy side when it comes to this kind of situation. Being too nice, too understanding of her grief will set up a very bad dynamic for the future.
> 
> If OP's W shows she is upset at how she has hurt her husband it is a good sign. I like the approach of concerned but firm with her about her grief. She of course has the right to be upset that someone who she knew has died. But for it to linger like it has now for months is too long.


I agree with all except for the time frame of 2 months. But, since the OP hasn't returned we have no more info to aid in helping him.


----------



## WildMustang

Thor said:


> That unfinished business needs to be put down for good. For me, how she reacts when OP discusses it with her will decide the outcome. My xw never got over her "the one". That unfinished business continued for decades, and she was not in the least appalled at how it affected me. In fact she turned it around on me angrily. The old "just get over it already", "it doesn't mean anything" etc responses.
> 
> Unfinished business is a form of EA.
> 
> I believe in being more towards the caveman side of the spectrum than the modern no-boundary Nice Guy side when it comes to this kind of situation. Being too nice, too understanding of her grief will set up a very bad dynamic for the future.
> 
> If OP's W shows she is upset at how she has hurt her husband it is a good sign. I like the approach of concerned but firm with her about her grief. She of course has the right to be upset that someone who she knew has died. But for it to linger like it has now for months is too long.


Yes, absolutely!! If this is unfinished business (as opposed to just the grief talking), it does need to be put down for good!

I could not agree more that how she reacts when OP discusses it with her will speak volumes (I'd give her a little time to grieve and then discuss. It's been less than 2 months, right?).

I agree with you too that if she dismisses him, discounts or minimizes his feelings, that is a bad omen.

Our perceptions, thoughts and feelings are based largely on our life experiences and histories. Given that you, @Thor experienced your XW having unfinished business that became an EA, it is understandable why you feel so strongly about this. 

I think I likely would think about it and feel about it the exact same way as you do, if I, too, had lived it previously as you did.

That must have been hellish for you - for the woman you loved to still be in love with her ex or have serious unfinished business with him WHILE SHE IS MARRIED TO YOU! That is indeed dishonorable to you, as well as unfaithful and not loyal to you and your marriage. 

Good for you for having firm boundaries concerning this. We live and learn. That was a hard learned lesson for you, and one you will never repeat.

I appreciate you @Thor and @Affaircare and everyone else for sharing their experiences with this, because it helps not only the OP, but me and others like me, who may not have experienced it firsthand in our lives, but we can learn from your mistakes and experiences. 

Thank you everyone for sharing so freely and transparently.


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

[how she was sorry she left him and if they would have stayed together they would be married. ]



....That is all that should be noted...I would have a serious 1000ft. view of my relationship with the "new" wife. Period.

Plan B anyone? Boy, the next 25-30 years sound fun!


----------



## Thor

WildMustang said:


> Yes, absolutely!! If this is unfinished business (as opposed to just the grief talking), it does need to be put down for good!
> 
> I could not agree more that how she reacts when OP discusses it with her will speak volumes (I'd give her a little time to grieve and then discuss. It's been less than 2 months, right?).


OP has been married "over 2 years", so his W dated this guy longer ago than that. 3+ years is a safe bet. She's known of the guy's death for 2 months. To me it seems her reaction is overly strong for someone she hasn't been in contact with for 3+ years, which is why I believe she has unfinished business (unless she has a history of over reacting). OP is a 1 post drive-by so far. More input from him would be helpful in giving him opinions.



WildMustang said:


> That must have been hellish for you - for the woman you loved to still be in love with her ex or have serious unfinished business with him WHILE SHE IS MARRIED TO YOU! That is indeed dishonorable to you, as well as unfaithful and not loyal to you and your marriage.
> 
> Good for you for having firm boundaries concerning this. We live and learn. That was a hard learned lesson for you, and one you will never repeat.


Yeah, lesson learned big time!

If I were OP, I would have a zero tolerance going forward about this ex. Hopefully she reacts the right way when he brings up how this looks and how he feels about it. If she dismisses his concerns it would be enough for me to end the relationship. I've seen how it can percolate for many years to then become a problem later on. Either she is 100% in the marriage or I would bail. Being Nice or soft with her is a recipe for disaster. Setting a strong boundary today will set the right tone. Ironically perhaps for the Nice Guy (that was me), being a bit of a jerk gets the desired result much better than being all understanding and soft in these situations.


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## WildMustang

Thor said:


> OP has been married "over 2 years", so his W dated this guy longer ago than that. 3+ years is a safe bet. She's known of the guy's death for 2 months. To me it seems her reaction is overly strong for someone she hasn't been in contact with for 3+ years, which is why I believe she has unfinished business (unless she has a history of over reacting). OP is a 1 post drive-by so far. More input from him would be helpful in giving him opinions.
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah, lesson learned big time!
> 
> If I were OP, I would have a zero tolerance going forward about this ex. Hopefully she reacts the right way when he brings up how this looks and how he feels about it. If she dismisses his concerns it would be enough for me to end the relationship. I've seen how it can percolate for many years to then become a problem later on. Either she is 100% in the marriage or I would bail. Being Nice or soft with her is a recipe for disaster. Setting a strong boundary today will set the right tone. Ironically perhaps for the Nice Guy (that was me), being a bit of a jerk gets the desired result much better than being all understanding and soft in these situations.


I see. I understand. Makes sense to me!

I do wish the OP would come back and clarify some things so we can better understand and give more helpful advice to him and other readers so it isn't "If this, then do this...If that, then do that."

Clarity is a wonderful thing.


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