# Separted from wife and now in different countries



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

*{Note: Canusa57 says that he accidently deleted his post. I rebuilt it from the quotes of is post in replies in this thread. ~ EleGirl}*

In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there

That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".

Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.

On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.

So how is this hurting me?
1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.

I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.

My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.

I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your relationship does sound miserable. 

If you divorce, do you think your wife will move back to India? Is she able to support herself?


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

1) My daughter came to Canada when she was 3. She’s now 23. As much she likes india, she could never settle in india. My wife loves pur daughter way too much to go back to India for good. Probably she’ll divide her time between our daughter and her mom.

2) No my wife can’t support herself, financially.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


I live in the US.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.

I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?


Canusa57 said:


> In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there


Okay ... you moved, knowing that she didn't want to? 



> That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".


What do you mean, "accused"?



> Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.


Merely? Merely?? Have you any idea how that sounds? If her mother is important to her, then who are you to say "merely"?



> On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.


Again, what do you mean "accused"? Isn't that what happened, by your choice?



> So how is this hurting me?
> 1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.
> 
> I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.


I doubt if this absence is what bothers you. (Especially since you say you're not happy with her). Many men would consider it a benefit to have the occasional 3-6 month sabbatical from their wife. 

How is your relationship the other three quarters of the time? Good, or not good? Why?


> My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.


I'm not in the US and have no idea if that is a reasonable amount for this to cost, or not. But, surely that's on you? You can't take equity out of your house and then blame her?



> I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


You have no chance, unless you can figure out what YOUR part in this is, and WHY.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Canusa57 said:


> I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
> Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.
> 
> I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it. 
If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I guess the most important question is, _why_ did you move from India? 

How did your wife's thoughts on it factor in to the decision?


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.

on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.

I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?
> 
> How did I contribute to this?
> 
> ...


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it.
> If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted here because I thought I could get different perspectives on this.
> 
> I can shamelessly admit that I can’t deal with it myself.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


I think what he means is that you are the only one’s behavior that you can control. From my perspective, it sounds like you made the decision to move instead of it being a family decision. Your wife is doing what she needs to do to feel okay. She is not going to change. (And honestly I am not sure she should, as you don’t sound very supportive.) So if you don’t like the situation, the only option you have is to end the marriage. Making her conform to your expectations isn’t realistic or fair. If you want to improve your marriage, then you should consider how you can be more supportive of your wife’s emotional needs. It’s obvious that extended family is important to her, and she misses that connection. 

As for your daughter, she’s an adult. You are not obligated to pay for her living expenses. Quit paying them. She has no reason to budget if you keep paying for everything.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I want to thank everyone for their perspectives. Thanks for your time and effort.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Canusa57 said:


> I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.
> 
> on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.
> 
> I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.

She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.

If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

Sometimes life leads you to a fork in the path, and you have to choose one path or another. This is where she's at.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.
> 
> She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.
> 
> ...


About this:
If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

I have been very respectful - and have so far got my mother in law to both Canada and USA, multiple times. I have funded her tickets, stay, health insurance etc. All that seems to be just a band aid because she misses her daughter the moment she is back in India. 

To those who think I am not supportive, I have nothing to say except that I have done everything in my power to please people involved. Life is all about doing and I don't know if my being a pleaser made things worse or not. Once again, I say this with utmost humility - not arrogance.

Thanks for your perspective.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Question, and you have probably already considered this (if THEY are willing) -- what about moving your MIL to live NEAR you in the U.S.? I'm sure she has other close family in India, but if her daughter is the primary, maybe she would be open to this (NOT live WITH YOU, just near you!)


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Actually there's a lot of MIL's like yours.

IMO you have a toxic MIL that does not prioritize what's best for her daughter and grand daughter; and use's guilt & nagging as a tool to manipulate her daughter. You are all a victim of the MIL but particularly your wife that was probably brain washed and raised to seek the MIL's approval. 

I don't think there's anything you can do to change the MIL. However, you may be able to help your wife 'separate' emotionally from her mother. IMO it's not appropriate for your wife's happiness to be tied to her mother's approval at the expense of the improved quality of life for herself and your daughter.

The problem with an overwhelming need for mom's approval is it results in the mom inserting herself into your marriage (inappropriate); and worse it results in your wife considering self destructive behavior (e.g., moving back to India).

Neither you or your wife can change the MIL. However, your wife can seek counseling to help her separate from her 'mommy' and not feel so responsible for her mother's happiness. The counseling can occur as a 'couple' or separately.

It's not an easy fix for your wife. It will take a lot of time so it's important she is motivated. 

The MIL needs to risk loosing something (a consequence) from her nagging. At some point your wife will be strong enough to explain to the MIL that she needs to stop nagging about moving back to India (or the MIL will have much less contact with her daughter and granddaughter.

Good luck.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

*{Note: Canusa57 says that he accidently deleted his post. I rebuilt it from the quotes of is post in replies in this thread. ~ EleGirl}*

In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there

That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".

Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.

On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.

So how is this hurting me?
1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.

I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.

My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.

I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your relationship does sound miserable. 

If you divorce, do you think your wife will move back to India? Is she able to support herself?


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

1) My daughter came to Canada when she was 3. She’s now 23. As much she likes india, she could never settle in india. My wife loves pur daughter way too much to go back to India for good. Probably she’ll divide her time between our daughter and her mom.

2) No my wife can’t support herself, financially.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


I live in the US.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.

I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?


Canusa57 said:


> In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there


Okay ... you moved, knowing that she didn't want to? 



> That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".


What do you mean, "accused"?



> Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.


Merely? Merely?? Have you any idea how that sounds? If her mother is important to her, then who are you to say "merely"?



> On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.


Again, what do you mean "accused"? Isn't that what happened, by your choice?



> So how is this hurting me?
> 1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.
> 
> I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.


I doubt if this absence is what bothers you. (Especially since you say you're not happy with her). Many men would consider it a benefit to have the occasional 3-6 month sabbatical from their wife. 

How is your relationship the other three quarters of the time? Good, or not good? Why?


> My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.


I'm not in the US and have no idea if that is a reasonable amount for this to cost, or not. But, surely that's on you? You can't take equity out of your house and then blame her?



> I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


You have no chance, unless you can figure out what YOUR part in this is, and WHY.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Canusa57 said:


> I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
> Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.
> 
> I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it. 
If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I guess the most important question is, _why_ did you move from India? 

How did your wife's thoughts on it factor in to the decision?


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.

on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.

I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?
> 
> How did I contribute to this?
> 
> ...


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it.
> If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted here because I thought I could get different perspectives on this.
> 
> I can shamelessly admit that I can’t deal with it myself.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


I think what he means is that you are the only one’s behavior that you can control. From my perspective, it sounds like you made the decision to move instead of it being a family decision. Your wife is doing what she needs to do to feel okay. She is not going to change. (And honestly I am not sure she should, as you don’t sound very supportive.) So if you don’t like the situation, the only option you have is to end the marriage. Making her conform to your expectations isn’t realistic or fair. If you want to improve your marriage, then you should consider how you can be more supportive of your wife’s emotional needs. It’s obvious that extended family is important to her, and she misses that connection. 

As for your daughter, she’s an adult. You are not obligated to pay for her living expenses. Quit paying them. She has no reason to budget if you keep paying for everything.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I want to thank everyone for their perspectives. Thanks for your time and effort.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Canusa57 said:


> I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.
> 
> on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.
> 
> I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.

She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.

If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

Sometimes life leads you to a fork in the path, and you have to choose one path or another. This is where she's at.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.
> 
> She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.
> 
> ...


About this:
If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

I have been very respectful - and have so far got my mother in law to both Canada and USA, multiple times. I have funded her tickets, stay, health insurance etc. All that seems to be just a band aid because she misses her daughter the moment she is back in India. 

To those who think I am not supportive, I have nothing to say except that I have done everything in my power to please people involved. Life is all about doing and I don't know if my being a pleaser made things worse or not. Once again, I say this with utmost humility - not arrogance.

Thanks for your perspective.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Question, and you have probably already considered this (if THEY are willing) -- what about moving your MIL to live NEAR you in the U.S.? I'm sure she has other close family in India, but if her daughter is the primary, maybe she would be open to this (NOT live WITH YOU, just near you!)


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Actually there's a lot of MIL's like yours.

IMO you have a toxic MIL that does not prioritize what's best for her daughter and grand daughter; and use's guilt & nagging as a tool to manipulate her daughter. You are all a victim of the MIL but particularly your wife that was probably brain washed and raised to seek the MIL's approval. 

I don't think there's anything you can do to change the MIL. However, you may be able to help your wife 'separate' emotionally from her mother. IMO it's not appropriate for your wife's happiness to be tied to her mother's approval at the expense of the improved quality of life for herself and your daughter.

The problem with an overwhelming need for mom's approval is it results in the mom inserting herself into your marriage (inappropriate); and worse it results in your wife considering self destructive behavior (e.g., moving back to India).

Neither you or your wife can change the MIL. However, your wife can seek counseling to help her separate from her 'mommy' and not feel so responsible for her mother's happiness. The counseling can occur as a 'couple' or separately.

It's not an easy fix for your wife. It will take a lot of time so it's important she is motivated. 

The MIL needs to risk loosing something (a consequence) from her nagging. At some point your wife will be strong enough to explain to the MIL that she needs to stop nagging about moving back to India (or the MIL will have much less contact with her daughter and granddaughter.

Good luck.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

*{Note: Canusa57 says that he accidently deleted his post. I rebuilt it from the quotes of is post in replies in this thread. ~ EleGirl}*

In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there

That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".

Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.

On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.

So how is this hurting me?
1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.

I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.

My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.

I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your relationship does sound miserable. 

If you divorce, do you think your wife will move back to India? Is she able to support herself?


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

1) My daughter came to Canada when she was 3. She’s now 23. As much she likes india, she could never settle in india. My wife loves pur daughter way too much to go back to India for good. Probably she’ll divide her time between our daughter and her mom.

2) No my wife can’t support herself, financially.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Where do you live and work now? Canada, or the US?


I live in the US.


----------



## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm assuming that you intend to divorce. Have you seen an attorney yet to see what you need to do to get yourself into the best position possible?


I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.

I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?


Canusa57 said:


> In 2000, 6 years after we got married, I immigrated to Canada. My wife did not want to move there


Okay ... you moved, knowing that she didn't want to? 



> That unfortunately was not the last time she accused me of separating her from her"Family".


What do you mean, "accused"?



> Since I moved to Canada, and then to the US till 02/2020) , I visited India 5 times. It was on one of the visits I realized that what my wife considered family was merely her WIDOWED MOTHER.


Merely? Merely?? Have you any idea how that sounds? If her mother is important to her, then who are you to say "merely"?



> On one of my visits to India, my mother in law indrectly accused me of serparting her daughter from her by moving to Canada and then to the US.


Again, what do you mean "accused"? Isn't that what happened, by your choice?



> So how is this hurting me?
> 1) My Wife visits India almost every 18 months, spending 3 to 6 months during her visit. On two occasions, she took my daughter out of middle school and stayed with her mom. My daughter was in grade 6, and the school in Canada had no issues with that. On the downside, my daughter spent 6 months at home with her mom and grand mother.
> 
> I did the math and it appears that my wife has spent 7-8 years of the last 26 years away from me to spend time with her mom.


I doubt if this absence is what bothers you. (Especially since you say you're not happy with her). Many men would consider it a benefit to have the occasional 3-6 month sabbatical from their wife. 

How is your relationship the other three quarters of the time? Good, or not good? Why?


> My daughter is a spendthrift and went to an out of state university, I spent over 120 K on her tuition, air fare from Phoenix to Dallas, her shopping, Uber, and other avoidable expenses. I have take out 76 K from the equity of my house to fund this.


I'm not in the US and have no idea if that is a reasonable amount for this to cost, or not. But, surely that's on you? You can't take equity out of your house and then blame her?



> I believe that my mother in law has been solely responsible for ruining our marriage (with the cooperation of my wife).


You have no chance, unless you can figure out what YOUR part in this is, and WHY.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Canusa57 said:


> I haven’t arrived at a decision yet. I
> Know that while divorce may be an easy way out , that’s not always a solution.
> 
> I am torn between divorce and finding another solution. I don’t know who to pin the responsibility wit, for the situation .. precisely why I posted on this forum to get different perspectives.


You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it. 
If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I guess the most important question is, _why_ did you move from India? 

How did your wife's thoughts on it factor in to the decision?


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.

on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.

I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Well, since you asked for other views ... can you see ways in which you contributed to the problem?
> 
> How did I contribute to this?
> 
> ...


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> You'd better pin it on yourself, because then you have some chance of fixing it.
> If you pin it on your wife or her mother, they're not going to accept it, and nothing will change.


What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted here because I thought I could get different perspectives on this.
> 
> I can shamelessly admit that I can’t deal with it myself.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Canusa57 said:


> What do you mean by “pin it to yourself “? If you believe it’s up to me to me to find a solution..i posted on this forum to get perspectives on a possible solution.


I think what he means is that you are the only one’s behavior that you can control. From my perspective, it sounds like you made the decision to move instead of it being a family decision. Your wife is doing what she needs to do to feel okay. She is not going to change. (And honestly I am not sure she should, as you don’t sound very supportive.) So if you don’t like the situation, the only option you have is to end the marriage. Making her conform to your expectations isn’t realistic or fair. If you want to improve your marriage, then you should consider how you can be more supportive of your wife’s emotional needs. It’s obvious that extended family is important to her, and she misses that connection. 

As for your daughter, she’s an adult. You are not obligated to pay for her living expenses. Quit paying them. She has no reason to budget if you keep paying for everything.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

I want to thank everyone for their perspectives. Thanks for your time and effort.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Canusa57 said:


> I moved out of India, mainly because of the quality of life.As an immigrant that started a new life in Canada and then in the US,I have done well in life. I went there initially by myself, and my wife joined me later.
> 
> on a side note, my wife says she loves me misses me, admires me on many fronts. On the other hand, when she hears her mom say how much she misses her, that takes precedence over everything.
> 
> I don’t say that her love for her mom is wrong ir misplaced. How that’s impacting our relationship is what concerns me.


Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.

She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.

If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

Sometimes life leads you to a fork in the path, and you have to choose one path or another. This is where she's at.


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## Canusa57 (Apr 8, 2020)

Marduk said:


> Honestly, I think this is your wife's choice, and my advice is just to respect it.
> 
> She can choose between living near her mother or living near her husband. And that's basically where it's at. It sucks, but that's the way things are.
> 
> ...


About this:
If she leaves, cut the strings and divorce. Just move ahead cleanly, respectfully, and as amicably as you can. If she stays, make sure she can stay in contact with her mother as much as possible - visits (maybe bringing her to you would be easier), facetime, whatever. Make time for it and support it if she wants to stay.

I have been very respectful - and have so far got my mother in law to both Canada and USA, multiple times. I have funded her tickets, stay, health insurance etc. All that seems to be just a band aid because she misses her daughter the moment she is back in India. 

To those who think I am not supportive, I have nothing to say except that I have done everything in my power to please people involved. Life is all about doing and I don't know if my being a pleaser made things worse or not. Once again, I say this with utmost humility - not arrogance.

Thanks for your perspective.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Question, and you have probably already considered this (if THEY are willing) -- what about moving your MIL to live NEAR you in the U.S.? I'm sure she has other close family in India, but if her daughter is the primary, maybe she would be open to this (NOT live WITH YOU, just near you!)


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Actually there's a lot of MIL's like yours.

IMO you have a toxic MIL that does not prioritize what's best for her daughter and grand daughter; and use's guilt & nagging as a tool to manipulate her daughter. You are all a victim of the MIL but particularly your wife that was probably brain washed and raised to seek the MIL's approval. 

I don't think there's anything you can do to change the MIL. However, you may be able to help your wife 'separate' emotionally from her mother. IMO it's not appropriate for your wife's happiness to be tied to her mother's approval at the expense of the improved quality of life for herself and your daughter.

The problem with an overwhelming need for mom's approval is it results in the mom inserting herself into your marriage (inappropriate); and worse it results in your wife considering self destructive behavior (e.g., moving back to India).

Neither you or your wife can change the MIL. However, your wife can seek counseling to help her separate from her 'mommy' and not feel so responsible for her mother's happiness. The counseling can occur as a 'couple' or separately.

It's not an easy fix for your wife. It will take a lot of time so it's important she is motivated. 

The MIL needs to risk loosing something (a consequence) from her nagging. At some point your wife will be strong enough to explain to the MIL that she needs to stop nagging about moving back to India (or the MIL will have much less contact with her daughter and granddaughter.

Good luck.


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