# Married 6 Months - Partner wants Divorce - Looking for Advice



## momba55 (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi,

I'm new here, and a little scared. I'm looking for some advice really as to what to do next and how to cope....

I met my wife 3 years ago, and we've been married for 6 months. She's not the best communicator in the world and she has her own issues from childhood which she's never really addressed. We were planning to start a family this year. A month ago she told me she wasnt happy, and wanted to work things through, that she wasnt ready for children and wanted counselling to address her issues regarding childhood before we started a family.

Since getting married 6 months ago, we've both been very busy. I work away from home alot, and she has been busy with work and is currently studying for a degree full time aswell. She's been very busy, and has asked for her own time, which i've given her. Unfortunately that has meant with us being busy, the time we do spend together has mostly been arguing about day to day tasks.

Last week she informed me she wanted some space for herself so she could figure out what she really wanted, and that she thinks the route cause of her unhappiness is me. I know i'm not perfect, and have done and said things in anger which have upset her. Over time, she has said this has worn her down. but prior to one week ago, she hadnt mentioned it.

Yesterday, after being away for a week and giving her space, she informed me she did not want to be with me anymore, that she didnt love me, and that she didnt want to work things through.

I'm totally devastated, as i thought the space would allow her to realise what she wants and needs moving forward, with a view to us both changing to make things better through counselling etc.

no matter what i say now, her response is, 'but i dont want to work at it', 'it's broken', 'its over', 'i dont love you'. She says the more i say to try and offer an alternative, the more i'm pushing and controlling and manipulating her into doing what i want.

She's now saying that for a long time, she has felt i've tried to control her, and manipulate her, or been nasty with the things ive said and done in anger. She also says i dont respect her anymore.

I'm so confused. I only ever had her best intentions at heart when i did things for her, and i've never tried to control or manipulate her knowingly. She seems to have created this monstor image of me in her head, to allow her to make it easier to move on, or call time on us.

She's been speaking to family and friends, but not me about her feelings, and i feel completely shut out from her decision making process. She took her wedding ring off mid-week while we were having space, talked it through with her mum, and then told me on Sunday, when i returned home. 

I cant help but feeling she's painted this horrible picture of me and our relationship to her friends and family in order that they'll just tell her what she wants to hear - IE: Get out!

I dont know what to do at all... I've moved back to my parents for now, as she simply will not change her opinion. It's over, thats it.

I've read up various articles about just agreeing with the partner who has negative thoughts and feelings in order to get them to open up. I cant think of anything else to do... The more i try, the worse i make it....

Marriage means a lot to me, and i want to work through our issues. this is the first real problem we have come up against in our 3 years together, and i dont understand how she can just cut and run so easily. She says its too late, and i've worn her down over time, and there's no going back. But to me, i'm hearing these things for the first time, and all i want to do is make it better!

I have no idea what to do, and am looking for advice from people in similar situations.

i know we cant divorce untill we have been married for at least 1 year, but i'm terrified she will make this decision without properly thinking it through or talking it through with me.

I want to fight for our marriage, but if she doesnt is it over? the more i try the worse it gets... have i lost her?

She's going to go through with her counselling so that she can resolve her issues for the future, and i've agreed to go to counselling as well, but why if we are looking to change ourselves, does she still not want our relationship?

Help....


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## evondavis1 (Nov 29, 2012)

Honestly, as an outsider looking into your world, i can't imagine what you are going through. Depression is a very tough and serious thing to handle. You wan to try, to help, to make her feel better, etc. Unfortunately, it's up to her. I do see a positive out of this, she is looking for help. As her husband, the only thing you can do now is stand back and let her heal herself. She has many, many issues and they won't be fixed overnight. I am not certian on if you will or will not divorce, however if she has asked for space, than that is all you can do. Let her breathe, and you can take this time to figure yourself out. Do what makes you happy for now, and trust me, I know it's difficult because you are deeply hurting, but try. Stand back for the moment.
If she does decide later that she is 100% done, than at least you can say you tried, and that you are taking care of yourself from now on.
Sorry for what you are going through.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

We're things rocky between you? 

Prior to this sudden departure, what were things like after you married? 

We're there signs that she was unhappy?

You say that she's painted you as a monster, but you're not one. What kinds of things is she saying about your relationship? Could there be something in her mind that sees it very differently from the way you see it ?

Did you live together before marrying or were you adjusting to cohabitation as well as marriage?

Is she in love with an ex or does she gave a crush on or affair going on with someone?

I think that whatever has upset her enough to leave seems like a big deal to her, whether or not it is to you. I think they either she's upset about something you're not seeing, she's interested in someone else, or she has just realized that she doesn't want to be married. Tell us more do we can understand and help you cope accordingly.


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## momba55 (Jan 14, 2013)

Thanks Evondavis1 and Moxy for your replies.

I'll try and give as much information as possible to fill you in.



moxy said:


> We're things rocky between you?


Things were tense, but we had both put it down to the extra pressure at work and with her extra study. I think she may have been feeling isolated, but never said anything to me. I guess i should have tried harder to get her to speak about her feelings, but part of what shes saying now is that i forced her to speak about her feelings in the past, and she percieves this as me wanting to control her.... when really my intention was always to understand and help her.



moxy said:


> Prior to this sudden departure, what were things like after you married?


Things were reasonably good. I'm sensible enough to know that a relationship requires work, not just from time to time, but all the time. I thought we were happy, but shes hung onto things ive said during arguments, let it all build up, now dumped it all out and says there's no going back.



moxy said:


> We're there signs that she was unhappy?


I had placed her moods down to stress at work/study, and was trying to cheer her up. Gifts, making tea, sweets for energy etc. She says she thought i was being nice because i wanted something in return.... mainly sex, but this was not the case. I just wanted to help. A lot of her issues relate to intimacy and sex, and although i've tried to understand, and not be to forceful with desires/pushing for sex, she says i have pushed for sex in the past and therefore disrespected her body. It's very difficult right now, as no matter how hard i try to explain i only ever wanted to help/understand, she has built this image in her mind that i am this manipulative guy.



moxy said:


> You say that she's painted you as a monster, but you're not one. What kinds of things is she saying about your relationship? Could there be something in her mind that sees it very differently from the way you see it ?


Mostly as above. It was really hard when she told me how she sees me at the moment. I'm not perfect, i've made mistakes, at times i've failed to be understanding of my wifes needs, i've failed to communicate in an appropriate way, i've failed to express my emotions correctly. But it's not a common thing, when we fall out, i often get frustrated because she doesnt show much emotion or passion, which leads me to become angry, and then i say things in anger to spite and hurt her. She's kept all these things and is now using them to paint this monstor. I'm generally pretty easy going and laid back, and i need to work on not loosing patience when things arent going as i want i guess, but i NEVER would have thought we'd get to this. I've always appologised when ive said or done something stupid, and for me, a genuine appology is enough to forgive and forget, but i guess she hasnt....



moxy said:


> Did you live together before marrying or were you adjusting to cohabitation as well as marriage?


We lived together for 18 months prior to marriage. We have a great friendship side of the relationship, our families get on, everything was great!



moxy said:


> Is she in love with an ex or does she gave a crush on or affair going on with someone?


Not that i'm aware of. I asked if there was someone else, she says no. She says she doesnt want to be with anyone right now, not just me. I feel a lot of this has surfaced because we were looking to start a family of our own, and shes not ready. But rather than talk to me about it, she's running away until shes sorted her childhood issues out, and is ready to take that step. I'm just confised as to why that wouldnt be with me....

I know we need to change things, and what we're doing now clearly isnt working, as we've got to this, but she seemed resigned to the fact that we're beyond repair. I dont know if this will change in time? What i do know, is that me pushing to make it better is making it worse....



moxy said:


> I think that whatever has upset her enough to leave seems like a big deal to her, whether or not it is to you. I think they either she's upset about something you're not seeing, she's interested in someone else, or she has just realized that she doesn't want to be married. Tell us more do we can understand and help you cope accordingly.


Hopefully the above gives more insight. Right now i feel like she is just feeling worn out, and doesnt want to try because she's scared of getting hurt. I'm desperate to show her i want to work things through, but she wont really talk to me about anything. She keeps saying, there is no point repeating ourselves, shes made her mind up, its over.

I dont know if i should just back off and hope she comes to the right decision on her own, or if i should keep fighting and forcing the issue.... I'm not saying the right decision is for us to carry on, to work, we both need to want it, and right now it's just me that wants it, and if she gets time, thinks things through and stands by her decision to end it, then i guess i have to accept that. 

I'm scared i'm not doing enough... or doing too much...

I've moved out of our marital home, which is in her home town, so she has friends and family close by. My family is a 2 hour drive away, so thats where i am. My friends are all spread out over the country, so i feel it's easier for her right now if i'm out of the way, but i'm also scared she may think i've walked out on her, which i most certainly have not.

She wont be in the house if i'm there, she just says she'll go to her mums if i stay over.

I feel so lost....


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Oh, things do sound rough for you.

Don't pressure her about getting back together right now because that will only freak her out more. Ask her if she will go to a counseling session with you to help you understand what went wrong. Otherwise, do the 180. 

Let her know that you care about her and love her and would like to try addressing the problems she sees, if she will give you a chance. Leave the ball in her court, then. 

As hard as it is, you might need to take a step back until and unless she reciprocates your connection. Are you seeing a counselor yet? This will help.

Take care of you.

I'll reply more later. Short on time the now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you have been working away a lot. How many days a week or month have you been away from her?

For the last 6 months, how many hours a week have the two of you spent doing things together, just the two of you?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry brother but I have been here way to long to know that your old lady has replaced you.
Her issues aren't about you,which means being the best husband in the world won't change the fact that she has issues and one of them is commitment.

Your gone alot, she is in school and working(lots of oppertunity) , she's lonely and she has needs and some POS has replaced you.

Sorry brother but her current thinking is "the grass is greener on the other side" and some phucker who has no moral compass is going after a married chick and your old lady is falling for it. Hell maybe the POS believes what she is telling him maybe her new "guy friend" doesn't have a clue you exsist (no more wedding ring).

The point is you can't compete with her new "guy friend" and your old lady feels less guilty giving you half truths then telling you up front that you got replaced.

Maybe I am completely off base, but only you can do your own investigation in what is really going on by investigating for your self (don't ask her or tell her) if you are getting ripped off and being dicieved by your chick.

Prove me wrong and and get your own answers to see what is really going on. If I am wrong then giving her space is what is best, but if I'm right then giving her space will only cultivate her new relationship and then you have to reconsider your approach on saving this marriage.

Hell what do I know maybe her cheating on you is a deal breaker for you, but at least you won't look like a @ss begging and pleading and giving her space while this whole time she is screwing you over.

Again maybe I'm completely wrong...and then that would be a good thing! You do however owe it to your self to protect your self respect by going all James Bond On her @ss and making sure you aren't getting screwed over.

I see to many red flags!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

EG are you sugar coating this?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

She has another man.

It really is that simple.

"Oh, not my sally, she is not like that, and I would know if she was lying or cheating"

Sorry bud. Yes. Even her.

Many men have gone through this, you are not unique, infact it is almost garden variety.


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## momba55 (Jan 14, 2013)

the guy said:


> EG are you sugar coating this?


Maybe i am sugar coating it....

I'm almost certain there is no one else. It would make it easier for me to accept the break up if there was someone else, and i have told her this. Her issues relate to intimacy and sex, and she has admitted to me she has never enjoyed sex her entire life. I would be amazed if she has somehow decided to leave me for another guy. I understand where you are coming from, i really do, but i really dont think thats it.

I guess as much as i think i've been a loving caring husband, i have at times been an absolute pain in the @ss. Over time this has just worn her down, and she see's no going back. 

I'm going to take some counselling and address whatever issues i have, and give her the space she needs to get her head straight. I cant force her to love me, or want to try, she has to come to that decision on her own. If her decision is to leave me for whatever reason, then i guess thats best for us both....



EleGirl said:


> You say that you have been working away a lot. How many days a week or month have you been away from her?
> 
> For the last 6 months, how many hours a week have the two of you spent doing things together, just the two of you?


I've always had a job where i spend time away from home. It can vary, but normally at least one night/week and upto the full week away. Quality time over the last 4 months id say, has been minimal, but this is partly due to her spare time being consumed by study. I guess she didnt put me first priority wise, and over time, i've become a pain.

Thanks for the input. Much appreciated.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

My wife left 6 months in. I done the same as you, harrassing her, calling her. I discovered she was getting attention elsewhere. I left her alone, no calls, texts, etc. She eventually came round, moved back in, and we worked through both our problems.

Until sunday, 2 years to the day she left, shes left again. This time though, i feel its for good.

What im trying to say is, leave her alone, see what happens. If she decides to come round. Take it slow. REALLY work through your issues. You dont have to go through it twice, like me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## momba55 (Jan 14, 2013)

rickster said:


> My wife left 6 months in. I done the same as you, harrassing her, calling her. I discovered she was getting attention elsewhere. I left her alone, no calls, texts, etc. She eventually came round, moved back in, and we worked through both our problems.
> 
> Until sunday, 2 years to the day she left, shes left again. This time though, i feel its for good.
> 
> ...


Thanks Rickster. At least i know there's someone out there been through something similar. And i'm sorry to hear you're going through it all again... i feel your pain.

I guess ultimately, i just dont know what to do. And selfishly, i want her back now, and want to start the process of repairing things. But i recognise i need to allow her the time to reach the decision to work on it on her own, if she comes to that point.... Part of me is just terrified that by leaving her alone, and being out of sight, i'll just encourage her to move on to something/someone else and leave us behind without even trying.

We can only get through this if we both want to. If shes not committed to working through it, it'll never work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> EG are you sugar coating this?


Nope, just trying to get a fuller picture.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

momba55 said:


> I've always had a job where i spend time away from home. It can vary, but normally at least one night/week and upto the full week away. Quality time over the last 4 months id say, has been minimal, but this is partly due to her spare time being consumed by study. I guess she didnt put me first priority wise, and over time, i've become a pain.
> 
> Thanks for the input. Much appreciated.


Start interacting with her according to the 180 (see link in my signature block). As you have noticed the more you try to talk her into staying the more she pusheses away. The 180 will stop you from doing this. You can let her know that you are open to her coming back but you will not wait forever.

If at some point you find out that she does have someone else, get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.

And if she comes back, the books linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage could help the two of you rebuild your marriage.

The reason I asked about time together is that it takes spending at least 15 hours a week to gether, just the two of you, doing date-like things to maintain the love/connection in your marriage.

Her saying that she has never liked sex is very problematic. If I were you I'd think twice about continuing a marriage with a woman who does not like sex unless you are alright with a sexless marriage. That's usually what happens in cases where one partner does not like sex. Maybe she is asexual. There are people like this.

Take care of yourself at this time. That's all you can do and it's the healthy thing to do.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

I agree with some of the others as someone who has been through it. It sounds like there may be another guy. I was the same way.."no I know there is no one else...there just isn't" Well guess what...there was and that is what ended my marriage. You may be right but love can blind you my friend and she's throwing the flags up as if there is someone else. 


Typcially woman don't end things to end things, they need someone as a replacement first.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK... I'm seeing a lot of terrible advice. Just cause she is gone does not mean there is another man... quit saying that.

My wife and I split in July. She said all the same things as your wife said.. it's broken.. it's over.. there is not hope.

Right away I stopped talking to her. She can't miss you if you don't go away.

Mine DID NOT LEAVE FOR ANOTHER MAN .... yes it's hard to believe.. she just wanted to go and be by herself for a awhile. There isn't always a man... I wish people would stop saying that as it doesn't nothing but increase the anxiety this man has.

Now I filed a month after the split because I figured if she wants to be gone and there is no hope we might as well get started since it takes a year here in Canada for a divorce. I might have jumped the gun.

Only 2 months after we split she really wanted to work it out but I already had her in court so she thought i hated her.

Three months later (5 months after the split) she approached me after court and said she wanted to work things out and agreed to counseling etc. Not it's been a month later and although she doesn't live at home we see each other often until we are done counseling.

Give her space and LEAVE HER ALONE. The grass isn't always greener and she married you for a reason.. now she needs to sit back and see what that was and how special it was to her.


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Sad,


You are right there's not another man 100% for sure, I just don't want him to do what I did and not consider that as a possibility. I would have saved myself a lot of pain had I looked into that at the beginning of the end of my marriage. I hope there isn't another man, the marriage can be repaired easier if that's the case. I agree NC is the best approach no matter what. 


I do think he needs to investigate whether there's another man or not however...maybe there's not but he should be certain of this and not just take her word for it. Whether there is or isn't her response will always be "no there's no one else."


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I thought about what would happen if another man came into play during the split.

That isn't always bad.. of course you can't help to think about her having sex with someone else, or the chance of her falling in love with someone else. That is normal. BUT... it is a way for her to see that the grass isn't greener and since you will be separated there is NOTHING you can do to stop her.

I have been through an affair (hers wouldn't be an affair if you are separated)and trust me it takes time but ultimately it does fade away and life with her will go on.

The worst thing is laying there not knowing what she is doing. I had to sleep with the TV on and on the couch and even though my marriage is gonna get back together I am still on the couch and not in our bed. I still can't do it.


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