# getting my confidence back



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

wife really took me for a ride this past year...kicked me when i was down...

my business failed in bad economy, she told me she wasn't "in love" with me anymore...wanted to leave...she had an emotional affair on facebook that still kills me...no overt sexuality but enough flirting and secrecy to be bad. I told her to knock it off and after a few starts and stops she did.

been a very uneven year since...went to counseling...she kicked us out after 6 weeks saying we were ok...but wife needs more therapy..

i have been mad, depressed, suicidal, and at times ready to move on without her.

she hit every one of my sensitive spots by saying she was not physically attracted to me, never was..combine that with the business failures i have had and i feel like a real loser.

over the course of the last few months i have tried somewhat to regain my confidence...and i told her recently...to get the hell out because if she doesn't love me, doesn't find me attractive...i want to move on..not fair for me to keep taking this...

for the first time she cried and let out some real feelings...she is very closed with sharing feelings etc(plus she hates men since her dad, step dad etc have all disappointed her).

so now we are OK??? but still i find myself obsessing about it...she always says it will take time to get back whatever feeling she had for me..

to me that sounds like make money again and i'll love you

i need to focus on my kids and myself but find it so hard to do so..i question sometimes whether i love her or love the idea of her...

i am also not big on divorce but getting sick of feeling anxious around her...

what to do??


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

I have seen things like this in my line of work (not saying this is your situation). When you are riding high and making the bucks the wife sticks around because she isn't going to find anything better. When the money disappears they freak out or leave you because the reason they were hanging on just disappeared.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Man, I know how you feel my X totally ripped my heart out. I like you had my own buisness and did pretty well. This year has been absolutely horrible do to the economy, property values dropping, more illegals, and more people without jobs setting up illegal buisness. I did property improvements, maint, repairs, landscaping, and landscape maint.

I loved my wife more than anything in the world and heres my story. I was sick, my wife went down and got me soup and told me she loved me. The next day the doorbell rings and I am served papers. I thought I was being sued by a client and was reading the papers and thinking I never worked for this person. The person was my wifes $350 an hour attourney, the stbx had emptyed our bank accounts, she had charged 10,000 on CCs I didnt even know she had which were in her name only but for some reason I am half liable for, she is asking for me to pay for her attourney, she is asking for alimoney, she rang up our cell phone bill which I use for buisness purposes and suppose to be for emergencies. 

My feelings range from feeling suicidial to wanting to turn homicidial (please note I said feelings, not what I am going to do) She has totally ruined my life, if I ever recover from this financially I dont think I can ever trust a woman again.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What to do?

At times like these our self esteem takes a real battering. People say self esteem comes from the inside and to a certain extent it does. But it gets there in the first place via feedback from others about the good things we do. If those others don’t show appreciation for the good we do for them then our self esteem gets lowered and can get so low that we get depressed and even suicidal.

And it’s made even worse when our “partner” doesn’t respond like a supporter but do just the opposite. We expect help in a personal crises and when we don’t get support it makes it a lot worse. I once told my wife I was suicidal. She didn’t respond for a week so I told her again, still no response. I went on a bit of a spiritual journey and quite a while later asked her why she didn’t respond. Apparently she was “researching” on the internet.

Depression and suicidal thoughts are there to tell us something big time is seriously wrong in our life. I once had a friend tell me that if depression comes into their home they welcome it as a respected guest at the table. Kind of put it into context for me. A respected guest with an important message but nevertheless a guest who will one day leave.

Sounds like you’ve some big time life changing decisions, plans and moves to make. Enjoy the day, smell the roses, dream, “blue sky”, plan and “do” for your future.

Bob


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I'm pretty certain most of you guys would find out after separating from the 'ball and chain' a few months, that you don't really love them as much as you think you do IMHO!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I'm pretty certain most of you guys would find out after separating from the 'ball and chain' a few months, that you don't really love them as much as you think you do IMHO!!


That’s certainly true with me. Since separating it’s been a roller coaster ride of some very deep and strong emotions. But in the six months I can honestly say I’ve not once missed my wife. How that’s come about I don’t know, it remains a mystery to me. We were together for over 40 years and I don’t miss her presence. It some ways it feels like I was with a “ghost” of a person, someone who was with me but not with me.

I’m 61 and it’s the first time I’ve ever been by myself and I’m so thoroughly enjoying it, alone but not lonely. I’m making deeper connections with both old and new friends, having much better conversations.

But it is so very different when children, the mortgage, bills and a marriage that is far from ideal, “happy” and so many other things are involved. Been there, I know what it’s like.

Bob


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

WOW!!..Bob, a lot of people should read your story, here I was (at least 3 1/2 months ago) thinking that after 17 yrs of marriage and 2 daughters, how was I going to get along without my 'wife'?, and then you pop in and 40 years!!!,well I got to thinking after all the heavy emotions started to wear off that I was single once and I did alright and after a few months I noticed, I had been living with, but apart from her, so the transition is easier now, and I'm sure it was for her, great hearing someone else realize they actually did a favor IN A WAY by leaving

Mike


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Apparently the divorce rate of people in my age group is on the up. I can’t speak for others. In my case I see I have say ten or so, hopefully more, positive and active years ahead of me. Years where I can still do “stuff” because I have the inclination and energy. I’ve no mortgage, my running costs are so low it’s a delight. Money pressures have gone. I used to dread getting to this age but I’m finding it’s one of the best phases of my life ever.

We’d move countries to a place where the winters are mild. Got a nice house 2 minutes from beaches. For the first time in my life I experienced “inner contentment”. I’d always been a person who took himself outside of his comfort zone, to learn and grow, get more experience, be of more value from a financial earnings point of view. The only thought I had was “consolidate what I have”. Make it safe, make it secure, stay in my comfort zone.

And then Bam, in comes a marriage issue and it’s the same old same. It’s the same type of problem I’ve experienced so many times before. Knocked me right off my perch. Contentment went right out the window, replaced by trouble and strife. I thought blow this she’ll never be happy with me. If we stay together I’ll be an old man “stuck” with it, unable to get out.

It’s costing me a lot of money, money that was hard earned. But I consider that money as an investment in my mental health and happiness.

Bob


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> I'm pretty certain most of you guys would find out after separating from the 'ball and chain' a few months, that you don't really love them as much as you think you do IMHO!!


Actually Im only 2 months in and losing her is waaay behind, how could I have been such a fool to totally trust her, How could I been so stupid to think when the chips were down she would be there until I found a new gig? I really loved my wife but the straight up betrayal is the worst, at least Jesus knew Judas was going to betray him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> Actually Im only 2 months in and losing her is waaay behind, how could I have been such a fool to totally trust her, How could I been so stupid to think when the chips were down she would be there until I found a new gig? I really loved my wife but the straight up betrayal is the worst, at least Jesus knew Judas was going to betray him.


Love really is blind?

This separation is a real eye opener for me, especially when talking with other couples my age. There’s one couple that actually make 5 year plans. And they do it together! They sit down and plan out their next 5 years! Been together for some 50 years since they were in their teens.

My wife only ever looked backwards and when she did all she could see was the bad, never the good. She would never talk of our future, only of things like “20 years ago you did this or that and I’ll never ever forgive you”. I am so glad that’s behind me.

Another friend, a mate, opened my eyes to all this. He said how on earth can you keep stomping over old ground, don’t you have enough to do in the present and future?

Bob


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Love really is blind?
> 
> This separation is a real eye opener for me, especially when talking with other couples my age. There’s one couple that actually make 5 year plans. And they do it together! They sit down and plan out their next 5 years! Been together for some 50 years since they were in their teens.
> 
> ...


Ahhh a man trying to save his failing buisness is blind. There are always two sides to every story. When my buisness started failing I was consumed by it, depressed by it, was I there for her emotionally...no but cmon we were together for 10 yrs. I spent all my time trying to figure out how to save the buisness and was in what my daughter called Bruce's world, was that smart...well I guess not, but that was my livelyhood and jobs arent easy to come by here. So no truth be told I wasnt this great husband whos wife screwed him for no reason. I was the dumb shiite who put all his time and effort into trying to save his livelyhood. The wife decided she wasnt happy anymore and decided to take all she could on her way out the door.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I was a workaholic, weekends as a family more or less went out the window. But it was paying the bills, buying and furnishing nice homes, cars, holidays and the like.

Now my wife’s in pretty crap rented accommodation and she’s having to pay the bills herself. She said at times other people can be happy like that. Time will tell if for her the grass is greener on the other side of the mountain and she can be happy like that. If it is it means I got it totally wrong from her needs point of view. In a way I hope her grass is greener, that she too is able to find her inner joy, peace and contentment either by herself or with another man in her life.

I do find it strange though that when the bread winner in the relationship hits troubled times just how unsupportive spouses can be, in fact they seem to do the opposite. It’s in times of need that we discover who our true friends are, sometimes that’s just not the spouse and it comes as a real shock. More so if we’ve helped them through their troubled times, always been here for them.

Bob


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

It seems to me and it really kind of sucks, is that a person(men on this thread) do what they are supposed to, be the hard working bread winner, yet end up getting screwed over by their spouse is it just a bad decision in picking a partner?. I was the bread winner at one time, put my wife through school, she ends up getting a killer job, she is a go-getter, ends up being recruited by other companies, when we first married she wants the simple life, now she has in her mind a financial backing, I never thought once,never, that our money was nothing more than family money, somehow she decided it was hers, and in her mind I was somehow the 'user', she got to a point where she forgot where she came from, trying to fit in with the hobnobbers, I didn't like that person, there's the downfall, 2 different views how life should be, now I make less, but do more, she makes more and still hits my account, I only recently closed mine since and she had opened her own behind my back a few months before telling me she was leaving, we all have different scenarios, different relationships within our lives, but the results are the same, wife leaves or we get so fed up we no longer 'like' them, where does this 'you owe me mentality' come from?:scratchhead:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s magic isn’t, would be funny if it wasn’t so not funny. My money was our money. My money went into a joint account “Mr and Mrs” along with the debit and credit cards. I must say though that my wife never abused that.

My wife? Separate bank account, her money was her money. I was stunned at one time when looking for a birth certificate to stumble across her savings account with a building society. I knew absolutely nothing about it.

I didn’t think on “you owe me”. But I did come to think that my wife felt so “entitled” and that made her a very ungrateful person.

I’m struggling with my conscience at the moment. My wife is due a reasonable inheritance. I understand that the financial side of a divorce can take that into account, in the same way a spouses pension can be taken into account. Do I go for half that inheritance, or do I leave it alone. My gut is telling me to go for it. Not to be the same old Bob, generous and accommodating.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> It seems to me and it really kind of sucks, is that a person(men on this thread) do what they are supposed to, be the hard working bread winner, yet end up getting screwed over by their spouse is it just a bad decision in picking a partner?.
> 
> wife leaves or we get so fed up we no longer 'like' them, where does this 'you owe me mentality' come from?:scratchhead:


Well now that we jacked this guys thread(sorry OP) 

Actually I dont see how it was a bad decision in either of our cases. My wife helped me raise my baby as her own, she was the light of my life. I personally couldnt have asked for a better wife but after my baby grew up and left the house and my wife went through the change she wasnt the person I married so how was this a bad choice of partners? How could I of seen this comming? How would you have known that your wifes values would change with her new job?

I blame the crappy court system and its unfair bias towards women for their entitlement beliefs. Really I dont even know why men get married in this lousy system. I guess women really are smarter than men. I know it will be a cold day in hell b4 I ever get married again. If I ever find someone to love I will live with them or keep all my assets seperate from marital assets.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> It’s magic isn’t, would be funny if it wasn’t so not funny. My money was our money. My money went into a joint account “Mr and Mrs” along with the debit and credit cards. I must say though that my wife never abused that.
> 
> My wife? Separate bank account, her money was her money. I was stunned at one time when looking for a birth certificate to stumble across her savings account with a building society. I knew absolutely nothing about it.
> 
> ...


Hate to break the news to ya Bob, Inheritances given to one spouse and never mixed with maritial money are seperate property at least here anyways.


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