# I move out while shes at work



## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

After telling my heart after she cheated that I was going to give it 100%, I have been giving it my all. My original question was, "are you willing to attempt to make things work". She said yes, and our first counceling session is in 6 days.

She just commented on one of his photos on facebook, letting me KNOW that she has not cut off contact.

She is not in this 100%, and therfor throwing money at a counceler wont do anything for us. She has to realize that this is not how it works. Any advice at this point?


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Hi InstantNoodles , 

Sorry to hear this , but I understand how you feel. Taking the distance is sometimes the best thing that can happen. It sounds to me that you 2 have not the same boundaries. And until she understands were you are coming from , then there is no common ground for discussion. 

In the other hand , she might mean nothing by putting a comment , and I am not really aware of the whole history in this. But give her a chance to explain why she is still in contact with that person. 

But the distance will help in putting things into perspective. 

Wish you luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The only possible chance of a marriage surviving infidelity is if the cheater goes total NC with their lover. FB comments etc show continued interest and zero respect for their spouse. You need to leave and continue to move towards ending it unless she really changes. 





Chinwit said:


> Hi InstantNoodles ,
> 
> Sorry to hear this , but I understand how you feel. Taking the distance is sometimes the best thing that can happen. It sounds to me that you 2 have not the same boundaries. And until she understands were you are coming from , then there is no common ground for discussion.
> 
> ...


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

It took my H 4 months once I found out to totally stop all contact. I read that it can take that long or more for them to let go of the other person. It's hard and she is not being 100% upfront with you. You need to do what is best for you at this point.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

My ex-wife did the same thing. After I found out about her cheating she continued to have contact with them (yes more then one). Our therapist told her she needed to stop all contact ASAP or it was a waste of time coming to see her.

In the end I gave it my all but she only gave just enough to keep me around. Well I wanted more and clearly I wasn't what she wanted so I had her move out. It's going to be very hard for you but stick to your guns. Make a list of whats really important to you in your marriage and stick to you. Giving into love but forsaken your feelings isn't going to work.


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## Chinwit (Oct 6, 2009)

Totally agree with the above post. If you lose self respect , by always "forgiving", then what are the chance that she is going to respect you. I find it hard myself , as when you love someone , you forget about your need and what you stand for. 

After forgiving 3 times , I am coming to the realisation that I actually do not love him as much as I though I did. I totally lost respect for him. Since there is no children , I am ready to move on. 

Best of luck.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Tried to move out but...

So I rented the moving truck, show up at the place, and am just about to begin to move my stuff when I hear my Mother in law bouncing off the walls. Claims this isnt how it works, and how do we divide stuff up. I told her I wanted what I had before we got married. She told me that she knows that counseling will help, and if I take a piece of furniture out of that house, then it would be over for sure.

I tell my mother in law that my wife has not stopped talking to him, and its to much for me because she is showing me she is not committed to fixing this relationship. She backed her daughter by saying "You have to understand, their family and our family is extremely close. All of your sister in laws are friends with his brothers, we are friends of his parents.." on and on. What I dont get, is that she fell 8 years out of contact with him. and now its so hard to let it go. I have a feeling its the principle of me "telling" her who she can and cant hang out with that gets her angry.

Of course, I buckle under the pressure and end up just taking a computer and some more clothes. I figure ill give a shot at counceling, but in my heart I know if she is not 100% then im dishing my money away.

My wife hears about my attempted move, and she texts me and said that it put things in perspective and that it made her "angry" I also got her to admit that she she "loves me, but doesnt know if shes in love with me since we have been unhappy for so long." She no matter what she always wants to be friends, but I told her I didnt just want to be her friend, and if it didnt work I was not going to be there for her, and she wont see me again. I am not going to be her "safety net"

Its really hard to work on our friendships when I call her before I go to bed and she answers by "Hi, is there somthing you need?" Thats not even something a friend would say. Needless to say that was/is the last time ill call her before I go to bed. I avoided 3 texts and 1 phonecall yesterday before calling her back. She was very short with me "How was your day? Your phones cutting out... Well, just wanted to see how you were" and then thats it. 

:scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Instant, when I told you to go no contact in your other thread, what part of it did you not understand?


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Breaking off all contact including ignoring her completely before going to counseling doesn't seem to make much sense.

I have also been told that I should just give her the space and allow her to make contact, but I dont want to feel like I am being strung along.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: I move out while she's at work*

Don't do the move out when the MIL is there, she is NOT your advocate. Notice she mentions all this BS about their family friends, nothing about you and your wife's marriage.

Hang in there, move your stuff when drama will not occur.

Do not engage with the enemy.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

My mother in law told me that "if she didnt like me so much, she'd tell me just to pack my sh** and go" She says that shes praying for us both, but she said to at least wait until counseling before I make a decision like that.

But the wife still is talking to the other man. To add insult to injury, they are both going to the same Halloween party where there will be plenty of drinking and partying. Maybe after 3 weeks of counseling she will see that going to that party may be a mistake- if we make it to three weeks.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, she will not realize a damned thing. She doesn't care. In fact, she is probably getting off on disrespecting you. You don't have to take it.

Counseling or not, don't sit around while she is banging some guy. Ignore the MIL. She is not your advocate.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

:iagree: Grow a pair


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

michzz said:


> No, she will not realize a damned thing. She doesn't care. In fact, she is probably getting off on disrespecting you. You don't have to take it.
> 
> Counseling or not, don't sit around while she is banging some guy. Ignore the MIL. She is not your advocate.


My mother in law or my wife?

And for everyone here telling me to grow a pair... I didnt rent a moving truck and attempt the move for fun :rofl:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

michzz said:


> No, she will not realize a damned thing. She doesn't care. In fact, she is probably getting off on disrespecting you. You don't have to take it.
> 
> Counseling or not, don't sit around while she is banging some guy. Ignore the MIL. She is not your advocate.





InstantNoodles said:


> My mother in law or my wife?
> 
> And for everyone here telling me to grow a pair... I didnt rent a moving truck and attempt the move for fun :rofl:


Your wife!

The only part about your MIL was to ignore her.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

Before you take a decision first let her know how you feel and then come out of it. or if you love her so much you can give her time.


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