# Changing sexually after marriage.



## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

I originally posted this on the "Yeah, she had wild sex with him, but she married you" thread. At another members suggestion I am turning it into a new topic.

I was thinking about this topic the other day. Glad somebody posted it.

I have to admit my sex life was much more adventurous with a few ex boyfriends. Lots of foreplay including oral. Often times I would bring him to O just by oral. There was a lot of scratching, biting, making rough, yet passionate love to each other, then holding each other all night after the deed was done.

I don't have too much of an aggressive side since I got married. Although I did when we first got together because that was just my style, it has faded since we have been together. He has a very low tolerance for pain and doesn't particularly seem to enjoy being scratched and bitten. 

I very rarely bring my husband to orgasm in my mouth, mostly because he rarely goes down on me. He does enjoy getting blown but he's gotta give to receive.

My hubby is more of a get in, get off, go in the living room to watch TV and cool off type of guy. So the idea of holding each other all night after intercourse just doesn't happen.

In the past I have enjoyed lots of foreplay. Sometimes taking hours upon hours just to explore and enjoy each other's bodies, leaving hickies in spots nobody else is going to see. Now, I get foreplay pretty much if I force it, but if I try to stretch it out for more than a few minutes, he loses interest (or maybe he thinks I am not interested if I don't spread my legs at first site of his hard on?)

I like to be on top. He doesn't really seem to enjoy being ridden. I mean, I am sure he enjoys it, just he sounds like he is in pain, and he has a hard time just laying back and letting me take control. (he likes to thrust faster than I am going and it throws off my rhythm) 

So, in conclusion, our sex life is a lot different than mine was with my ex boyfriend's, I am not holding back by any means, but I guess I have mellowed out a lot to accompany his style.

At the end of the day there is a lot more love and complexity to our relationship than just the sex. Our personalities are very compatible. With these ex's even though the sex was awesome, we clashed pretty hard. We fought all the time. I would have never wanted to settle down and start a family with any of them. 

My husband will make an awesome dad one day, and he takes very good care of us. He treats me well. He is always opening doors for me, and still takes me out on dates. He speaks nicely to me, and puts me before his family. He completely puts me on a pedestal and dotes over me which I love. 

So, this isn't the best sex I've ever had, but this is the life I have always dreamed of, with the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. 

Also- I am open to anything with my husband, and we have tried a few things I hadn't tried with the ex's.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just wondering if that will be enough down the road. So many posting about how if the sex is not fantastic, they cannot stay married. This is kinda the opposite, if I understand what I am reading. I'm sorta surprised by this and have not seen a question here, either.


----------



## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

Any suggestions for improving our sex life?


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

While I can totally understand you getting less of a thrill from what sounds like a medium to LD vanilla sex H, why doesn't it work the other way? What I'm saying is that of the HD husbands who want to be more adventurous with their wives, why do the wives resist this and continue to be vanilla or do not want sex at all? One would hope that it would eventually rub off on the spouse.


----------



## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Did you try to talk to your husband about your sex life? How long have you been together, and how long have you been married?
Well being a man myself, I would love to have an active and HD wife, and it turns me on big time if a wife has no issue in giving and getting Orals.
Right now it might not seem to be a huge problem to you but with the passage of time, its gonna be a HUGE issue for you, and Good Sex is gonna be the only thing on your mind.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Definitely different than the other thread you referenced in the OP. At least you have every intention of giving yourself fully to your husband - he just doesn't want to reciprocate. 

Have you been married long? If it's been less than 10 years, then I would start to be concerned for your future. Your husband sounds like he tries to do a lot for you. Deep down, do you feel like you sometimes don't respect him because he does so much for you? Do you see your husband as less desirable now than when you first met him? I'm guessing that the so-so sex is having a damper on your attraction to him, but it's also important for you to think carefully about whether you are losing any attraction to him because you think he may be a doormat.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Did you try to talk to your husband about your sex life? How long have you been together, and how long have you been married?
> Well being a man myself, I would love to have an active and HD wife, and it turns me on big time if a wife has no issue in giving and getting Orals.
> Right now it might not seem to be a huge problem to you but with the passage of time, its gonna be a HUGE issue for you, and Good Sex is gonna be the only thing on your mind.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Snookums (Nov 6, 2012)

I can so relate to this topic. My fiance & I started out having a fabulous & exciting sex life and over the years it has diminished. This has become a big problem in my opinion and I try talking to him about it but he gets upset with me. 

I love him with all my heart but in the back on my mind I think if this is what has come of our sex life now what will come in the years ahead and we're not even married yet.

I am still in my prime and love having sex with him and I miss it terribly. I get angry as well when I'm told I should be the one to constantly initiate it as well. As a woman it feels good to feel desired & wanted just as much as it feels good for a man to feel that way.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Definitely different than the other thread you referenced in the OP. At least you have every intention of giving yourself fully to your husband - he just doesn't want to reciprocate.
> 
> Have you been married long? If it's been less than 10 years, then I would start to be concerned for your future. Your husband sounds like he tries to do a lot for you. Deep down, do you feel like you sometimes don't respect him because he does so much for you? Do you see your husband as less desirable now than when you first met him? I'm guessing that the so-so sex is having a damper on your attraction to him, but it's also important for you to think carefully about whether you are losing any attraction to him because you think he may be a doormat.


It's the same thing as the other thread, just from the woman's perspective. Over time I think she will lose all interest in sex from her husband; it will just be too boring and will just remind of her of what he is lacking relative to past partners. Then he will be the one wondering why she doesn't put out like she used to. And it won't really be his fault either.

OP, I think you really need to make a priority of teaching your husband how to do it the way you like it. And do it quickly, before the attraction dies on your end. People can learn to be better lovers. But if you play it safe and just hope to be ok with mediocre sex for life, it's probably not going to work out in the end.


----------



## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

For those who are wondering we have been married for almost 3 years. We married 6 months after we met.

He hasn't always been LD, and sometimes there are some sprinkles in that vanilla. When we first met we would usually do it 3x a day after working together all night, catch a short nap, repeat. now we usually do it once a week, maybe twice a week. Which is probably a more "normal" frequency... so I don't really have room to complain.

As far as communication goes, I don't really know how to approach it. We are both busy people, with more demanding and opposite schedules and that is a lot of why we don't do that as often. 

It is really hard to tell a man you aren't happy with his performance in bed. 

The lack of foreplay really bothers me. Even though I could do it alot, I still need to feel loved and wanted. I want to feel like he is willing to work for it and earn it. Most of the time I feel like he has a hard on, so I am a warm body to shoot his load in. I don't turn on that quickly. Most of the time I can't even fathom why he is horny, he just is. I suppose I will take what I can get. He seems to lose interest if I make him give me a little more foreplay, and quite honestly it is a turn off if I can tell he is only doing it because I told him we have to kiss for 4 more minutes before I give it to him. (not to mention it more sloppy and has more of a just going through the motions feel to it.)

Often, I wish I had made him wait. Because sometimes I think maybe he only married me because we were having sex. or because I paid the deposit on the apartment we lived in together, or maybe because I paid off his credit card debt and title loan. Or because I suggested that we get married.

Some days I feel like I wanted the relationship more than he did, but I digress....

But at the end of the day we have an awesome relationship. The sex life is going to have its ups and downs which isn't necessarily a deal breaker or grounds for divorce. I can either learn to communicate better with him about it, or learn to deal with it. Right now I'm choosing the latter.


----------



## time2heal (Jun 13, 2012)

east2west said:


> It's the same thing as the other thread, just from the woman's perspective. Over time I think she will lose all interest in sex from her husband; it will just be too boring and will just remind of her of what he is lacking relative to past partners. Then he will be the one wondering why she doesn't put out like she used to. And it won't really be his fault either.


At this point the thought of "I wish I were still with that dumb a-- lazy SOB a--hole I used to date because he was so much better in bed than my husband" has never crossed my mind. Good sex gives you sort of a happy high, which is nice, but I get so much more emotionally from the everyday relationship with my husband. The day to day, being happy just because I am around him is good enough. Admittedly for those days when we don't see each other much (do to work or whatever) a good lovemaking would be a nice way to rekindle that spark. 



east2west said:


> OP, I think you really need to make a priority of teaching your husband how to do it the way you like it. And do it quickly, before the attraction dies on your end. People can learn to be better lovers. But if you play it safe and just hope to be ok with mediocre sex for life, it's probably not going to work out in the end.


Yeah, I think you have a good point there.


----------



## Sestina (Nov 6, 2012)

What about talking to him about it while you're in the act? Just being more assertive in showing him what you like, and asking him questions about what he likes? It could be a real turn-on, and avoid the hurt and humiliation of a "Let's Talk" kind of talk when you're not being intimate.

I think talking about it is the only way--whether you do it during sex or not. If you've only been married three years, you have so much time to make it better. Talk about it now, before it turns into a much worse problem that you find out you can't (or no longer care to) solve. Truly.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

time2heal said:


> Often, I wish I had made him wait. Because sometimes I think *maybe he only married me because we were having sex. or because I paid the deposit on the apartment we lived in together, or maybe because I paid off his credit card debt and title loan. Or because I suggested that we get married.*


WOW, is he a gold digger?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Games can be fun. There was a board game someone mentioned in another thread. I personally, never liked talking about what to do during love making. I liked it when she just kind of took just a little control and cooed or said something in a moan and grabbed me just the right way and held me there. Her body movements or reactions were what I liked with some dirty talk sprung me to life. If there was little reaction, I didn't feel like I was getting it done and she didn't care.

Edit: I would have been more open to conversation about it when we were alone, in the evening just getting comfortable and having a drink or something to relax and loosen up. Oh well, guess she didn't care.


----------

