# Codependency?



## Justme93 (Apr 10, 2019)

So my husband and I have been together for almost 10 years. There’s 10 years worth of story I could sit here and tell you but it would take way too long. There’s been cheating & lying on both sides. Anyway, we are at the point where neither of us really want to be with each other but it’s just easier to be together. I’ve wanted out for years!!! The thing is, I suffer from extreme anxiety, & a couple of health issues that make life harder than it needs to be. He helps me with my anxiety & heart issue and I help him with being home for the kids so he can progress in his job but I’ve thrown all my dreams down the drain so that I could be a stay at home mom. I’ve been a stay at home mom for most of the relationship so I literally have nothing & if I leave I’d have to start 100% over. I’m scared of being alone because of my health issues but I’m also so unhappy & when I’m happy I almost don’t even notice my actual health issues. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, but our relationship is just ****, I feel like there should be more to life than this. We both say all the time that we shouldn’t be together but we honestly don’t know how to live without each other. We got together at 17 & 18 years old. We’re all each other knows. I feel like we’re actual family instead of husband and wife.. if that makes sense.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So... staying is fear based?

If your children are in school... you go back to school.

Get a 2 or three year degree, something you can feel satisfaction in, not just "a job".

Health care opportunities are incredible these days.

Build something to quell the fear of providing for yourself and give you focus, show your children learning is lifelong.

Also, it may help to begin a walking and meditation program... walking with calm is an incredible experience.

Life-changing for some.

Dreams are your responsibility, so be responsible.

Then take another look at your marriage...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There is ALWAYS a way out, if that is what you want to do. Are your kids in school full time? If so you need to get out and find a job. Your H will be responsible for child support, assuming you get primary physical custody, and most likely alimony, depending on your state, especially since you have stayed home to raise the family. The support can help sustain you while you work on getting a better job down the line. It may take some work but you can do this if you put your mind to it. So many people stay in misery because they think their situation is hopeless... you need to look deeper at options rather than just glancing at the situation. I wish you the best.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Justme93 said:


> We got together at 17 & 18 years old. We’re all each other knows. I feel like we’re actual family instead of husband and wife.. if that makes sense.


It makes perfect sense.... and, this does not fit the classic "codependency" description. A codependent relationship is usually one in which one person sacrifices his/herself for the other, who is a "dependent" upon self-medication (such as alcohol or drugs). The codependent person is manipulated and controlled by the dependent, into a role of "enabling" him/her to continue the self-medication.

The codependent person "protects" the dependent person from enduring the natural consequences of his/her behavior, and as a result, "loses" him/herself, sacrifices time, money, and life's well-being for the sake of the dependent. The codependent "bails out" the dependent, over, and over, and over again, while the codependent does not even "appear on the radar" of the dependent, where the self-medicating drug is concerned. The drug-of-choice is the most important thing in the world to the dependent person. He/she utterly does not care if his codependent other goes to hell in a flaming rowboat, as long as he/she gets the drug.

I should say that adultery can be a "drug" every bit as much as extraneous substances. But, that still does not fit the definition, it seems, in your case.

You and your husband have made choices. Choices which can be re-negotiated. I agree with the other posters, going back to school is prime for you. If you were more able to support and care for yourself and your children independently from your husband, the fear of being without him would not be ruling you so heavy-handedly.

You two can choose to be married to each other, instead of what you're both doing now. You're both choosing the "default". You two may have actually chosen the "default" at the time you got married.

Dr. Phil has a terrific saying "...there are times we make the right choice....and, there are times we have to make the choice right...."

I want both of you to eliminate this: 



Justme93 said:


> We both say all the time that we shouldn’t be together


And, instead, come up with ways in which you would WANT to be together, IF __________ (a needed change in the status quo). 



Justme93 said:


> for the kids


These kids are your reason to re-evaluate how you're managing your lives. There's nothing here that can't be fixed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in therapy?


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I lived with an addict for nearly 16 years. I lost so much of myself. I was/am damaged from living in the chaos for years. I've recently started a blog to write about my past and my present. I write about the emotional damage i endured and the work i'm putting into undoing the damage so my past doesn't ruin my present or my future. This site helped me through some of my darkest moments. I wanted to come back to where i vented when i was lost and where i received encouragement when i felt all alone, miserable and hopeless. 


If anyone wants to follow my page and read about my journey in hopes that i can help someone else escape the turmoil..follow my page on facebook - Lemons to Lemonade Blog 


The facebook page has a link to my wix blog page where the full post can be read. 


I hope all of you can heal the wounds inside of you and move forward in life.. its been liberating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A good marriage takes work and effort. Get some good marriage counselling and both of you start being positive about each other and your marriage instead of negative.


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