# Perspective, please! Am I wrong for this to hurt?



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

The backstory as succinctly as possible: My husband is, we both believe an as yet undiagnosed BPD who has been pretty much in crisis for 8 years. That's important because I am hoping it is what explains the event a few weeks ago that is burning me up in hurt and resentment. After 7 years of being fully invested and trying to help him, and him being emotionally abusive to me, I finally disengaged myself emotionally and sought an affair. 8 months ago, he discovered it and was given the opportunity to confess what I already knew, that he had had an affair and he didn't. I gave him 6 months to work on his own issues, especially getting to the bottom of why he couldn't emotionally be there for me and he promised to. He did work on some things, like showering every day and brushing his teeth (yes it had gotten that bad) but never did delve into his deep rooted issues. 

2 months ago was the 6 month mark. I had (without telling him) extended the 6 month mark as some other issues had come up including surgery for me and a work related strike that added stress to our household. But I did sit him down and tell him that while things were ok on the surface, I really needed the opportunity to express my feelings to him, something I hadn't done during the entire 6 months because I knew he wouldn't be able t handle it. His response was to completely disregulate and have a meltdown completely unrelated to my request to be heard. Welcome to most of my last 8 years...

2 weeks later, he disregulated again when I asked for an opportunity to be heard and said he didn't want to hear my feelings as he knew what they were and went upstairs. About half hour later he came down kind of tearful and asked me to come up and cuddle him. Obviously, I didn't want to but I did it for him. When I got up to come back downstairs after about half an hour, he said, "can I have your panties? I want to defile them." I was shocked and didn't know what to say...that's not something he ever asked me before. Without thinking, I said, "would you rather have me?". Keep in mind having sex was the last thing I wanted, but I'm so used to doing whatever it takes to keep him from completely blowing up. He said yes and it was definitely not sexy for me. I didn't get anything out of it. He was frantic though and after he came, he collapsed on me and said, "ahhhh....anger sex". I just about threw up but instead just got up silently and went downstairs and didn't go to bed until after he fell asleep. 

The next morning, he got up after I did and actually THANKED me for the sex the night before. Said he needed it to come down from "spinning". I didn't have it in me to discuss how much I was upset over it so I said nothing. But within days, I called and booked myself into counseling because I have known for months that I need to work through my own resentments over the past 8 years as well as decide whether I can continue on in this marriage. I told him I had booked an appointment and he asked why. I told him I had major resentments I needed to work through, including what had happened in the "anger sex" episode. He then told me that he felt so bad about it...huh? His sigh of contentment with the comment "anger sex" AND thanking me the next morning didn't show remorse of any kind...

Then top it off with the fact that the very day I had that first counseling appointment, the truth came out about his affair and it was worse than I could have imagined. It had happened 4 years ago during the very time I was busting my butt to save our marriage, dragging us to several marriage counselors and even a couples communication course, all of which he sabotaged in big ways. It had lasted 3/4 of a year and was with an acquaintance/friend of mine who up until last week he was still in touch with although not seeing her. I spoke with her the next day and was much more upset that she says he gave her the emotional support she needed to leave her abusive boyfriend and yet, he's denied me emotional support for most of the past 8 years. I don't even care that they had sex multiple times as much as I am angry about the emotional support. And yes, during the past year after disengaging myself emotionally I did have 2 affairs, both of which he knows about now. I am once again trying to decide if I can do this anymore and he is once again making promises to get to the bottom of his issues and is taking steps to find a psychologist to treat him (something that supposedly "slipped his mind" 8 months ago when he agreed to do just that).

Am I wrong to be so upset over this? The "anger sex" thing actually bothers me more than finding out about the affair, which I knew had happened other than the details. Am I wrong to be so upset about that?

Yes, I know that there is a lot here to wade through...sorry...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why not separate? Get some space, and some peace...and some counseling..... and then figure out what to do. 

What are you hanging on for?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do you consider a divorce? And if not, why not?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You need to understand that you aren't to blame, it isn't ALL your fault that he is ALWAYS unhappy with you. There is NO way you will EVER fix him. It will ALWAYS be like this - you walking on egg shells, caring more about his feelings than he will ever care about yours, every conversation being twisted around until it is all about him and how much you fail at caring about his needs.

Read and re-read my post. 

Leave him before it is 10, 20 and then 30 years of the same B.S. He will never listen to you. Every time you say anything he will justify and twist it to make it your fault why he did or said what he did. And he will treat any kids you have the same way. No one will ever be good enough for him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> But within days, I called and booked myself into counseling because I have known for months that I need to work through my own resentments


No dear, you need to work on you're enabling problems.

You're not "wrong" for feeling how you feel. You don't owe your husband anything. You are neither his doctor nor his mommy. You are his wife.

You need to separate, get into therapy and figure out why you feel the need to take on other people's problems as if you own them.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I have stayed for so long because things were great for the first 7 years. I am sure he is going to be soon be diagnosed with BPD and has begun the process of getting therapy. His illness isn't his fault and I have tried to be there for him for so long that it's all I know. Emotionally, about a year ago I did check out and he knows this. He knows he's going to have to earn me back by working on his issues and NOT subjecting me to this kind of behavior anymore. 

When all of this started 8 years ago, I was yes, very low self esteem and had to concentrate most of my energy on riding the roller coaster of his moods. Part of "checking out" emotionally from him in the last couple years has been for protection and part of it was because I knew he couldn't be there for me how I needed. He hopefully means it this time about getting therapy and working through his issues. But in the meantime, I am struggling more with this episode of "anger sex" than I am because of his affair. He knows this. 

I am in counseling, and yes, I am on the cusp of making a decision on whether or not I can continue on and support him while he makes progress in dealing with his issues. He is aware that I am ambivalent on that.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

You say that everything has been good until this past year, but you both cheated on each other before that so it couldn't have been that great to start with? I have Bipolar, it is very difficult to think straight. He needs to medicated as soon as possible. Lithium is a good choice usually. Once he has stabilized on his medicine then I think you both really need to evaluate your relationship. Put divorce on the table so he realizes how serious you are.

You have every right to be upset with him.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

While you are right, his mental health is not his fault, after 7 years of him not doing much to solve it, then betray you by giving what you so desperately begged him for to someone else, please ask yourself why he deserves it from you?

It sounds very much like he does not put in the effort because knows he does not have to. He selfishly abandoned you and you stayed.

You were totally in your right to check out emotionally, he did the same to you long ago.

Personally, I would walk away. 
If he loves you then he will fix his problems. 

You can make a relationship to do list for him. He must do everything on the list and maintain it for 6 months before you will consider allowing him to win you back.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

Wait. "Can I have your panties so I can defile them?" -- What?? Is this a normal bipolar thing to say or do? My gut reaction to that is something a lot less polite than "No, Dear, you may not"


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