# Need advice on wife hanging out with our male friend alone at his house and having drinks and lying about it and trying to hide it.



## Ruger22 (17 d ago)

Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it looks that there is more going on , but it should come from her if she is only staying away for you she is making you her jailer which is about as good as duty sex 

for me you need to look at your relationship and ask what are you getting out of it 
then you need to ask her what is lacking in your relationship for her and why she feels the need to go to his house for drinks , 
sorry i am not the drinks type and don't understand why she would go to any ones house and end up having one and then two drinks


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

She either doesn't respect you or she's having a relationship with him, or both. Either way, the red flags are flying all over this.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

There is definitely cause for concern here OP. She may not be cheating with him but it appears otherwise.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


She is cheating on you.

Its not just that all signs point to an affair…it _is_ an affair.

Stop being a doormat and take action. Tell her to go live with the guy while you file for divorce.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

In my opinion, anything that someone hides from their spouse is cheating. So what do you know for sure? You know that she knows that you don't like her hanging with this guy but she continues to do it anyway. You know that she lies to you which causes you to mistrust her. In fact, she has no problem at all lying to you. This may be because she knows that you're not going anywhere. You cannot control her, you already know that. But you can tell her what the consequences will be if she continues to behave this way. Then follow through. Do not bluff. If you say you're going to do something, make sure you do it. The more you harp about it the more she will try to hide it. I would stop fighting with her and but keep the eyes open. Me personally? I would pay this guy a visit and put the fear of God in him.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


Is this for real? Your wife is trying to GASLIGHT you with her amusing denials. She is refusing to cut contact with the other man (OM) upon your insistence and willfully spending time with him at his home, this man cannot be regarded as your friend by the way. This dynamic gives the impression of being a full blown affair right in front of your eyes. Collect as much evidence as you can, find a good attorney and file for divorce. Do NOT put with this nonsense. I wouldn't if in your shoes. I might do something about the OM as well but I live in a [somewhat] different environment and have options. Choose your battles wisely.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

I'm not going to tell you that she is cheating on you, I will never imply that to anybody because sometimes, we are needed to shine light in to somebodies relationship because we aren't always right - she is simply just being a brat and doing what she wants to do. The lieing is wrong and she clearly doesn't have any respect for your boundaries. I would start with that before throwing the accusations of her cheating because if she is - you're not going to find out in this manner. I'm not an expert, I just know how I would like for this situation to be handled if it were myself. I have male friends but will not spend any time with them alone without my husband out of respect for him. He has female friends and he will occasionally hang out with them without me but he will always tell me first, before he does so and he will touch base with me while he's with them as well. Why do you not trust her to hang out with him, before she started lying about it?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I don't think it matters if she is screwing him or not. She is giving her time and energy to another man, and lying to you about it, that's cheating. It shows a lack of respect for you and the marriage.

You are not crazy nor are you making too much out of it. I hate to say it but your wife has checked out and left the building. You may get her to come back but I doubt her heart will be in it, and you're forever going to be looking for signs of he deceit.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> I'm not going to tell you that she is cheating on you, I will never imply that to anybody because sometimes, we are needed to shine light in to somebodies relationship because we aren't always right - she is simply just being a brat and doing what she wants to do. The lieing is wrong and she clearly doesn't have any respect for your boundaries. I would start with that before throwing the accusations of her cheating because if she is - you're not going to find out in this manner. I'm not an expert, I just know how I would like for this situation to be handled if it were myself. I have male friends but will not spend any time with them alone without my husband out of respect for him. He has female friends and he will occasionally hang out with them without me but he will always tell me first, before he does so and he will touch base with me while he's with them as well. Why do you not trust her to hang out with him, before she started lying about it?


OP disclosed that his wife is spending time with her male friend [at his home] and share drinks with him without his consent. *IF* she is innocent then why don't she tell her husband to join them in these meetups? What is there to hide from him? This sounds like cheating to me.

This is not how a relationship is supposed to work and neither can she be given the benefit of doubt in view of how she is said to be behaving


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> OP disclosed that his wife is spending time with her male friend [at his home] and share drinks with him without his consent. *IF* she is innocent that why don't she tell her husband to join them in these meetups? What is there to hide from him? This sounds like cheating to me.
> 
> This is not how a relationship is supposed to work and neither can she be given the benefit of doubt in view of how she is said to be behaving


She's not telling him because she wants to hang out with the male friend and he doesn't want her to. Maybe this was never an issue in the past and it just now suddenly became an issue? Maybe she's looking at him as being controlling? I can't answer these questions but I never once stuck up for the wife. She is absolutely wrong for hiding it from him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If the story is legit, here’s what you do:

Go see an attorney, immediatefile for divorce, accept the pain of divorce and move on with your life.
What she’s doing while she’s *alone at another man’s house* should be unimportant to you.
That she is, and Is lying about it, is all you need to know.

Anyone Who accepts this behavior from their spouse without nuclear consequences is just delaying the inevitable and allowing themselves to be used and abused.

Don’t tell me, your sex life with her is nonexistent?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

At the least, she sounds like an alcoholic. Is alcohol an issue in your marriage? If not, it sounds to me like she’s cheating. In no way or under no circumstances would I allow my spouse to disrespect me the way yours is disrespecting you.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Have a lawyer of your choosing create a petition for divorce and have her served forthwith.
At least at that point, she will know that you are serious and aren't going to take anymore of her ***t.
She'll dish it as long as you are willing to eat it.
Even if she modifies her behavior, consider this as an opportunity to upgrade. Then do so.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Alcohol tends to complicate situations. And your wife plans to do what she wants. Nothing good will happen as a result of this friendship (at least where you’re concerned). Are you willing to end your marriage over this? Don’t threaten that if you aren’t.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


Grab all her texts as evidence.
The next time your wife visits that guys house or goes on a date with him, turn up unexpectedly.
Then lock horns with that guy and insist your wife goes home with you. If she refuses than tell her you have the texts between them and believe they are having an affair, then visit a lawyer and file for divorce.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Well , if I were you , I would stop at his house and just tell him. Stay away from my wife. If that doesn't work than you have your answer


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@Ruger22, your wife continues to repeatedly secretly spends time alone drinking with this other man (“OM”) that is not your friend. Often this is alone at his house. She does this even though you have asked her to stop, and both she and the OM lie to you about it. Thus she and the OM are together a team, where your wife and the OM are on the inside and you are left on the outside. These facts alone are more than enough reason to justify divorce with or without proof of sexual cheating. 

The fact that it is obvious that they are probably sexually cheating is not as important as the fact that she is for sure emotionally cheating and is making her relationship with the OM her primary relationship instead of you, means that you no longer are in a marriage where you and your wife are a real couple. Do not have children with this woman and move on.

Once you divorce and find a woman that is good wife material, where you and her are the primary relationships in each of your lives, you will understand what you have been missing all these years in your current marriage, and you will not look back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It’s getting to the point where people aren’t even hiding their affairs, anymore. I guess there’s a silver lining in that she’s so obvious about it. 

So yes, I think this is an affair. I’m not running to my male neighbor’s house over and over and over if I’m not interested in him, at least on an emotional level. Somewhere along the way, your wife lost respect for you so maybe it’s time to say that you can’t be married if she’s going to continue this “friendship.”


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

Is the wife an alcoholic and the friend enables her drinking behavior by being a drinking buddy? Drinking buddy or FWB, I most definitely wouldn't put up with it. I agree with the posters that say see a lawyer and get the divorce started.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have two options.

1) Tell her to dump the "friend" or you will divorce
2) Agree to the open marriage you are already in, and start having sex with other people


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Divorce papers asap. Doormat.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks.


The "nice older man" was never a friend of "ours" he was an orbiter waiting for an opening to get with your younger wife.

He is not and has never been a friend of yours, or your marriage, or especially of your children if you have some.

Did your WW drink before she knew OM or is this something he got her into. 

Was the OM divorced possibly multiple times now you know why. Normally serial cheating men will have a cover story about why they got divorced, my guess is that he was never in the wrong and it was always his wives / ex'es fault.

Other than what you wrote how has your WWs behavior changed? More makeup, nicer clothes, showering before going over there etc?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


She is sleeping with him, plain and simple. The need to lie says it all.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

contact a lawyer , get the papers ready. have them waiting for her to sign and contact her friend cause i don't think he is your friend anymore that she will be moving in with him shortly and you give him permission to come over and load her stuff up in his car an go to live with him.
they are having an affair. you know they are. they both know you know they are . they just believe you will put up with it . you can either share your wife with your friend or divorce..


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


You're fare easier going than I am. I would have locked her ass out the house the minute I found out she went to another male's house alone. There is no coming back from this behavior and quite frankly can't see how this didn't happen many times over in your 20 years.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> Grab all her texts as evidence.
> The next time your wife visits that guys house or goes on a date with him, turn up unexpectedly.
> Then lock horns with that guy and insist your wife goes home with you. If she refuses than tell her you have the texts between them and believe they are having an affair, then visit a lawyer and file for divorce.


Whaat? I would insist she stay with that guy, cause there is not a snowball chance in hell she would be coming back with me if she pulled anything even remotely close to that.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

Ruger22 said:


> Ok so my wife of almost 20 years thinks it's OK to hang out with a male friend of ours that's 15 years older by herself at his house and have a few drinks. I've told her I didn't like that one bit and I asked her to stop but she continues. Then I find out she's going over there without telling me and hanging out and doesn't mention it at any time. We got into a fight about it few nights ago bc she was supposed to go with him so she could return something and come right back but it was 2.5 hours later before she got home and they had a drink or two. The next day I find out she went over there without mentioning it to me even when I asked where all she went . The next day we fought about that incident and she stormed out of the house and walked down the street and had him come pick her up and they went to his work and I guess had a drink or two and I'm not even sure how long they hung out that time bc I left for awhile over it. I looked at her phone the next day and she deleted all their texts except I did a restore and it had a couple of their texts with her asking him not to tell me he picked her up and him agreeing to lie to me. My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair. Please for the love of God please tell me your opinion so she knows that all those things she's doing is pointing to an affair! She is amazed that I would think these things about it and that I asked her and him to have no more contact. Oh and after I told them both that they start texting and he was wanting to come by! Once again she said she did nothing wrong. Opinions?


A drink or two sounds like a code word for something else.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> A drink or two sounds like a code word for something else.


It’s a euphemism, isn’t it? It’s an open-ended invitation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ruger,
Hope your new year goes well and you’ve chosen not to tolerate the intolerable. 
Im worried you finally discovered irrefutable proof and know the truth and you’re hurting, but remember that we’ve all been through it and survived. She’s not the only woman in the world, and she certainly isn’t the best choice for you. Hoping you overcome this with sone decisive action.
Hoping your new year is productive.


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## QuestionAssumptions (2 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> A drink or two sounds like a code word for something else.


Even if it isn't, yet, the prelude to physical intimacy in countless infidelity stories includes "a drink or two" or "a few drinks". It's like a "Click Here to Cheat" button. This won't end well.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ruger22 said:


> My wife swears nothing is going on and that I'm crazy for getting pissed about it and thinking they are having an affair.


She's lying and in an affair, emotional at the least and odds on a physical affair.
Tell her if she wants to date some guy and drink at his house like a high schooler do it on her own time not as your wife.
His coming to pick her up and her conspiring with him to lie about it would be enough for me to next her. None of this bodes well for you.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)




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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> She either doesn't respect you or she's having a relationship with him, or both. Either way, the red flags are flying all over this.





BeyondRepair007 said:


> She is cheating on you.
> 
> Its not just that all signs point to an affair…it _is_ an affair.
> 
> Stop being a doormat and take action. Tell her to go live with the guy while you file for divorce.



and post #33 by *syhoybenden

Ruger22:*

Do you need a whop upside your head to register and get what is going down with your wife?

You need to understand you have more than one problem festering in your marital relationship.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Even IF she hasn't slept with him, she is surely in an emotional affair with this guy. Hiding the fact that she is going to his house is absolutely unacceptable -- and by doing that it shows she KNOWS what she is doing is wrong and not acceptable to the marriage.


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## proton2020 (16 d ago)

OP has disapeared


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