# Thank you TAM for exposing my husband



## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Husband and I were together for almost 6 years, married 3 and he wanted a separation a month ago out of nowhere. I have been staying at my parents house 3 hours away since and we have 2 young kids. I definitely own up to the part I played to get here (nagging/not meeting all his needs/jealousy), but i didnt think it was enough for all this to transpire. When he acted the same way a few years back he begged me to work on it and so i loved him enough to stay. We were doing really well till he got a job promotion and we had to move where we knew nobody. I always supported him in his job endeavors. He put all his effort into providing for his family and its a big reason i loved him. What made me so down is he started focusing too much on work. He worked all day then came home and talked to coworkers on the phone instead of me so i started to feel negative towards him. 
Since we have been separated i have been working on myself and reading all these marriage books even though he told me he didnt love me anymore and he was emotionally done. I stayed positive even though he was acting cold and distant.
I read the posts on TAM obsessively and saw that the way he was acting, there is probably another girl. I didnt want to believe it bc we had so much love for each other. He WAS such a loving and respectful man. I denied it and tried to stay positive for a few weeks. But after my kids came home from the weekend at his place, they told me they hung out with a female coworker of his that i used to have jealousy issues with before. I looked through our bank statements and **** started adding up. Today I finally confronted him and he admitted he was seeing her and another woman. He put all the blame of our marriage failing on me and said he doesnt feel bad at all. I was so freaking heartbroken. I was trying so hard and being so nice that I was practically being a doormat. But thank you to these forums I finally realized what was going on and had the courage to confront him. None of the separation made complete sense to me but i see why now. I believe he was having an emotional affair before he said he wanted the separation. He denies it but u dont just start feeling feelings within a week after u separate. I would have NEVER believed it. Spouses are so sick. Never will have respect for him again.
If your spouse wants a separation out of nowhere, please BEWARE! Ask questions and confront them! It has been so painful bc i was working toward a R but now its a done deal. I let him control all the boundaries of the separation and listened to everthring he said bc I loved and trusted him. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW before you realize ur just wasting ur time and energy on a piece of ****


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. This is hard, really hard.

Do you own the home he is staying in?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Repeat after me: 

Request for either Separation or Trial Separation = Probable Physical Infidelity 

No further explanation required!

What absolutely better way is there to get your "thigh spreads" in with somebody else, all without being leered at by a spouse?*


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore. 
We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though. 
Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work). 
My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him. 
Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore.
> We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though.
> Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work).
> My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... *he literally said "too bad, **** happens"* when i told him.
> Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?


*Tell Him in response that not only does "crap happen," but so do vicious family law attorney's fees, property division, alimony, and child support payments! *


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Also the female coworker my husband is "seeing" got left by her husband a few years ago. You would think she knows how it feels but I guess not. She used to try to be so friendly with me and we hung out a few times. Now she and my husband backstabbed me. Thats my life!!


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeah he doesnt care about paying out money. He just wants to live the single life with no responsiblities other than providing. He just wants to be able to screw any female he wants without feeling guilty he is married. We didnt even have a bad sex life. He blames the way is acting on me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore.
> We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though.
> Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work).
> My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him.
> Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?


Krissy, so sorry for what you are going through
This man is no longer the man you married. He is blaming you because that is what cheaters do, they do not take responsibility for their own actions.

Make sure all family, his included knows what he has done.
You should consider letting his work place know such as the HR department. Surely his OW colleague knows he is married with kids.
Talk to a lawyer, of course he wants mediation, do not let him call the shots on the seperation and divorce, he wants it as easy as possible, don't let him control the situation.
Go 180 on him, go to IC, take care of yourself, move on with your life and kids.

The fact he only wants to see the kids twice a month tells you all you need to know about your WH. He is not husband or father material. He will regret this but it will be too late.

He is in cloud nine with his new OW, the dream will crumble but hopefully you will be long gone by then and have somebody in your life who cares for you.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.

I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement. 

Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.
> 
> I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.
> 
> Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life


I would just get the divorce done asap while he is feeling generous. And get a lawyer it's very important remember you have to take care of your children.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

So sorry your having such a hard time but really all you have to do is be patient and see what karma dishes out to him. It won't be long when he realizes that he threw away a nice home for a promise of a lascivious sex with unknown females then he'll want to come back. Take care of yourself and your children and protect them from his selfishness. Be weary when the partying stops, he'll want to come back and that's when you need to guard your heart. 

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry your husband did this to you 

Please realize that HE did this, NOT you. In your first post, you say you take responsibility for not being the perfect wife. As you should. But PLEASE realize that is a separate issue - TOTALLY separate - from HIS cheating. He made the choice to cheat - HE did that. People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Have you seen your dr yet? You need to be tested for STD's. Also, please take care of yourself, make sure to eat and sleep. I know it's hard with kids to take care of too, but you need to. Do you have family you can count on? My parents were a godsend when I left my first husband - I had a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

Just take it one day at a time. I am glad you're calling him your soon to be EX husband - that is as it should be. Be strong.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

KrissyR said:


> Never in a million years would I ever thought this would happen to us. He has always been my best friend. He is a changed man now so I dont even know who I am looking at when I see him anymore.
> We lived in an apartment but he is staying there bc I dont want the memories of the place to haunt me. I would rather be with my parents who have been so supportive anyways. I still have yet to get my stuff out though.
> Not sure what my next step is. I doubt i can afford a lawyer and STBXH wants to do mediation. He knows he is willing to pay financially for everything. Just sucks bc i dropped out of college to watch our newborn and support his job/goals. Ive been a SAHM for 5 years with our 2 kids. He is willing to not work on our marriage and just see the kids 2 days a month (he only has 2 days off a month from work).
> My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him.
> Never marrying anyone again ever. How can you trust them?


your last sentence-

many of us feel the same way, but hopefully not every one cheats.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Time to get him to foot part of the bill to get you back into college as well... part of your mediation.

5 years worth at least...


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He seems to want to be single really bad. Give him that freedom but at a high price. Get as much money as he needs to take care of his two kids. Any family law lawyer can get you what you and your children rightfully deserve and ditch the mediation attempt he wants to throw at you. You may mediate, but not before a consultation with a lawyer educates you on what you are entitled to have for the kids and their well being. You will surprised just how much you can gain with his need to have his freedom. 

Take advantage of that and take advantage of a lawyer's consultation. You may very well end up needing one anyway. Don't trust your STBX! It is in your best interest not to trust him as he is indeed a different man and you don't want to mediate with this stranger who has no feelings for his children, let alone his left behind spouse.

Please find the money from wherever you can. You can pay it back once your get the financial things straight when you divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> Husband and I were together for almost 6 years, married 3 and he wanted a separation a month ago out of nowhere. I have been staying at my parents house 3 hours away since and we have 2 young kids. I definitely own up to the part I played to get here (nagging/not meeting all his needs/jealousy), but i didnt think it was enough for all this to transpire. When he acted the same way a few years back he begged me to work on it and so i loved him enough to stay. We were doing really well till he got a job promotion and we had to move where we knew nobody. I always supported him in his job endeavors. He put all his effort into providing for his family and its a big reason i loved him. What made me so down is he started focusing too much on work. He worked all day then came home and talked to coworkers on the phone instead of me so i started to feel negative towards him.
> Since we have been separated i have been working on myself and reading all these marriage books even though he told me he didnt love me anymore and he was emotionally done. I stayed positive even though he was acting cold and distant.
> I read the posts on TAM obsessively and saw that the way he was acting, there is probably another girl. I didnt want to believe it bc we had so much love for each other. He WAS such a loving and respectful man. I denied it and tried to stay positive for a few weeks. But after my kids came home from the weekend at his place, they told me they hung out with a female coworker of his that i used to have jealousy issues with before. I looked through our bank statements and **** started adding up. Today I finally confronted him and he admitted he was seeing her and another woman. He put all the blame of our marriage failing on me and said he doesnt feel bad at all. I was so freaking heartbroken. I was trying so hard and being so nice that I was practically being a doormat. But thank you to these forums I finally realized what was going on and had the courage to confront him. None of the separation made complete sense to me but i see why now. I believe he was having an emotional affair before he said he wanted the separation. He denies it but u dont just start feeling feelings within a week after u separate. I would have NEVER believed it. Spouses are so sick. Never will have respect for him again.
> If your spouse wants a separation out of nowhere, please BEWARE! Ask questions and confront them! It has been so painful bc i was working toward a R but now its a done deal. I let him control all the boundaries of the separation and listened to everthring he said bc I loved and trusted him. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW before you realize ur just wasting ur time and energy on a piece of ****





aine said:


> Krissy, so sorry for what you are going through
> This man is no longer the man you married. He is blaming you because that is what cheaters do, they do not take responsibility for their own actions.
> 
> Make sure all family, his included knows what he has done.
> ...


Hell no! Keep that bastard working a paying for his coldness and cruelty.
Don't dare mess yp his work. Go to school, get a career of your own, and this guy will seem like a distant memory when you meet a good man. Yes bad things happen. None of this is your fault. 
Grieve your loss. When you're ready, you will likely meet another man and you will hopefully find a good one. 
Don't give up on happiness.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Don't make any legal decisions until you have bought and thoroughly read through a book on divorce in your state and had a consultation with at least one attorney after you have read the book. Also read some books on custody and divorce in general. You do not want to go into this blindly. Know your rights. It's much better to be prepared with knowledge before you make any decision or even before you speak to an attorney.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is very likely that the reason your husband was distant was that he was cheating. Your husband didn't betray you because you were upset about his behavior. When your husband began to betray you, you sensed something was wrong and you got upset. That is the likely scenario. 

Don't believe any of his blame shifting and rewriting of history. He's trying to avoid feeling guilty about being an ass.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can also ask for interim spousal support and child support while the divorce is in progress.

“Interim spousal support or interim alimony is what you get during the divorce process.

Then you can ask that he pay you rehabilitative alimony (or spousal support – diff states use diff terms) while you go back and finish your degree. In some states you can get this for half the term of your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

KrissyR said:


> Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.
> 
> I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.
> 
> Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life


Keep track of that he (and she) are spending on his new single life. 

That’s called wasting marital assets. You can ask the court to award you at least 50% of what he’s spending. In some states the judge will give you 100% plus a penalty that is charged to him for abusing/wasting marital assets.

Also, so you have any text, emails, etc. that will prove that he said that he wanted a temporary separation to work on the marriage? This could be important because he will most likely say that you two became separated for divorce purposes when you went to stay with your mother. You will want to push for the separation for divorce to have started until now, or even until the day one of you files for divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KrissyR said:


> Thank you for the feedback. I def want to do 180 and just take care of myself and kids for now.
> 
> I am so dissapointed in myself for trusting him. I always had a weird feeling about her and he always promised me there was nothing between them. He is her boss so he even assured me he wasnt stupid enough to be with someone from work and risk his job. Look at him now. I have thought about telling HR but we have way to many bills to pay. Especially all those dates he is going on to expensive places. He even gave the OW his bank card so i see all the purchases being made on my bank statement.
> 
> Feel like I am in a freaking dream right now. I cant believe this is my real life


Keep track of those $'s. You should be able to get reimbursed for half of what he's spent on her. That was your money!!!!!!


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Thank you guys for all your support and feedback. After being a doormat for the past month to try to win him back, I finally told him I want a Divorce too and ready to move on with my life. HE STARTED TO FINALLY FEEL GUILTY. He started asking my about my feelings and I told him i will not talk to him about anything but the kids and the divorce. He started to freak out!!

All this separation I tried to talk him about my feelings and working on our marriage. He was so indifferent. He didnt care at all. Now he is showing feelings bc he always thought I would be there no matter what. **** that. 

Already setting up a consultation with a lawyer. Wish me luck.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He's just pooping his pants because divorce is going to hurt him financially and create stress with his new woman toy. You found your lady balls. Hold on to them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wishing you LOTS AND LOTS of luck!!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Time to get him to foot part of the bill to get you back into college as well... part of your mediation.
> 
> 5 years worth at least...


Exactly. This is one of the legitimate moral purposes of alimony. You gave up your college education for the family. For him. So he owes it to you to finish your own education.

Most atty's will give you a free 15 to 30 minute consultation where you can get your basic questions answered. You can find out from a real atty how things generally go where you live. They give this free consult as a sales pitch to get you as a client, so don't feel bad about going.

You can do research online about your state laws. Your state website should have some do-it-yourself divorce resources, which is a good place to get some information. You can even use the state's standard divorce and custody paperwork.

Because you have children, you really should have a lawyer involved. You can use a lawyer as an advisor and to review paperwork before you sign it. You don't have to use a lawyer to argue with your stbxh's lawyer. You can file the paperwork yourself even if you use a lawyer to advise/review. You would pay per hour for your lawyer's time. The details and specific words used in the custody agreement are critical. That, to me, is where you need an atty to advise and review.

I would suggest you immediately start documenting everything. Write down a timeline of your marriage and of his infidelity. Document what he has done and said regarding parenting. This documentation can be extremely helpful if it comes to a court fight.

Mediation is a good thing. Just be sure you know what you want before you get there. Know what you are entitled to as a minimum by the law. Ask for more than you want, and give away things you don't care about in order to get things you do want. I suggest you don't sign any binding agreements without thinking about it overnight and/or having your atty review it. Don't get pressured into signing anything until you are certain you are ok with it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Reality is setting in for him. He expected you to wait around until he was ready to come back. Don't be surprised if he starts pushing to R.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> Thank you guys for all your support and feedback. After being a doormat for the past month to try to win him back, I finally told him I want a Divorce too and ready to move on with my life. HE STARTED TO FINALLY FEEL GUILTY. He started asking my about my feelings and I told him i will not talk to him about anything but the kids and the divorce. He started to freak out!!
> 
> All this separation I tried to talk him about my feelings and working on our marriage. He was so indifferent. He didnt care at all. Now he is showing feelings bc he always thought I would be there no matter what. **** that.
> 
> Already setting up a consultation with a lawyer. Wish me luck.


Good for you! Stay the course, you dont want to let him back in. He isnt sorry, he just suddenly realized his life is being turned upside down!


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Been on a roller coaster of emotions but trying as hard as I can to stay positive. Sucks that he has put me and our kids through hell, yet I still love him. How are you suppose to get over someone so fast when you were madly in love with them for years? I can't 180 right not bc we are trying to figure out the money situation 

On top of that, I have to be separated a year before I can even file for divorce bc of the laws in my state so I feel like I can move forward, but not completely foward with my life. 

Of course I still want a divorce but just feeling so emotional!!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Satya said:


> He's just pooping his pants because divorce is going to hurt him financially and create stress with his new woman toy. You found your lady balls. Hold on to them.


Yup, don't under estimate the power of our ovaries! > 

They hold a ton of "eggs" (serious pun intended). :surprise:

*eggs is what in my country Americans refer as balls...lol


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> Been on a roller coaster of emotions but trying as hard as I can to stay positive. Sucks that he has put me and our kids through hell, yet I still love him. How are you suppose to get over someone so fast when you were madly in love with them for years? I can't 180 right not bc we are trying to figure out the money situation
> 
> On top of that, I have to be separated a year before I can even file for divorce bc of the laws in my state so I feel like I can move forward, but not completely foward with my life.
> 
> Of course I still want a divorce but just feeling so emotional!!


You can still do the 180, keep your conversations strictly professional, the way you would with a working colleague or when paying a visit to the bank, no emotions etc. If he tries to start speaking about things other than the finances or the kids, tell him, I do not wish to go there, there is nothing to talk about, just cut him off immediately, do NOT engage, that is how he will try and pull you back in again. As far as possible make him write to you via email, even if you are in the same house. Say you want everything in black and white from here on out. If he starts writing you long song stories, do not read them, delete them. Stay strong. 
Keep a record of all exchanges, if possible VAR (not sure about legality where you live). He is not your friend, he is the enemy, remember he is willing to dump you AND the kids so he can have a single life, let him, but show no mercy.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Normally the advise is to expose at work but in your case (the exception) do not. 

If you do not have your own bank account and ask him to have the CS directly deposited from his paycheck. This is a must, do not depend on a. Check or transfer from his account. 

This site will give you a good run down on the asset division and child support guidlines of your state State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source. 

Focus your actions on establishing a post divorce life. Do not allow him to talk about putting a hold on the divorce. If pushed say "yes we might get back together again but we need CS and custody agreements done first. 

Finally yes it is a year cooling off but that does not mean the paperwork cannot be done and agreed to tomorrow. 

Be well


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

It looks like I might have to hire an attorney afterall. He is trying to pay a very low amount in both child support and spousal support and not willing to help me till I finish school when he can definitely afford it. I really wanted to avoid it at all costs and did my best to work with him but at this point all we are doing is argueing and blaming each other. 

He is being very difficult to work with. Wish it didn't have to be this way. He is the one that wanted a divorce. I wanted to work things out and do MC but he REFUSED and then I found out it only took him days to start dating other people after he initially asked for space. 

Never expected him to act this way EVER. Do their real personalities ever come back?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

KrissyR said:


> It looks like I might have to hire an attorney afterall. He is trying to pay a very low amount in both child support and spousal support and not willing to help me till I finish school when he can definitely afford it. I really wanted to avoid it at all costs and did my best to work with him but at this point all we are doing is argueing and blaming each other.
> 
> He is being very difficult to work with. Wish it didn't have to be this way. He is the one that wanted a divorce. I wanted to work things out and do MC but he REFUSED and then I found out it only took him days to start dating other people after he initially asked for space.
> 
> Never expected him to act this way EVER. Do their real personalities ever come back?


that is their real personality!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The gloves usually come off when money is involved. He wants freedom but he doesn't want it to cost him. 

My thinking (after ending a marriage of more than four decades) is that we don't truly ever know what someone is capable of. We feel we totally know them but we don't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KrissyR said:


> It looks like I might have to hire an attorney afterall. He is trying to pay a very low amount in both child support and spousal support and not willing to help me till I finish school when he can definitely afford it. I really wanted to avoid it at all costs and did my best to work with him but at this point all we are doing is argueing and blaming each other.
> 
> He is being very difficult to work with. Wish it didn't have to be this way. He is the one that wanted a divorce. I wanted to work things out and do MC but he REFUSED and then I found out it only took him days to start dating other people after he initially asked for space.
> 
> Never expected him to act this way EVER. Do their real personalities ever come back?


As someone else said, THIS is the REAL personality, sorry to say. And YES YES YES HIRE A LAWYER!! Since he is the one causing difficulty, then HE can pay your attorney's fees! DO NOT go into this alone.


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## tryingtocopedad (Apr 11, 2017)

It is not your fault. I cheated and I lost my wife, we are separated and she wants a divorce and to move on. I've been fighting it and through this site realized I was being selfish. If he isn't trying, then it's a wrap and you (like me) need to move on. It sucks, but you'll get through it. You have two kids to put first.

As for not marrying again, I feel the same way even though I'm the one who did wrong. I'm told the pain gets lighter day by day. Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Of course he's trying to pay a low amount! He needs plenty of money to chase women. He doesn't care about you at all anymore.
You will need a good attorney. 
I will say this: until you're living in your own and have to work together pay bills yourself, you have no idea how much money it takes to live and support yourself.
He does. He knows what he makes. So realize that he has to support himself and the kids, too.

You shouldn't try to take everything. But for sure expect him to treat you fairly. Right now, he's worried about himself.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

He only has them 2 days a month. And those 2 days a month he has them he spends it with his girlfriend and her son too. They do everything together. They sleep in the same house together with our kids. We have only been separated a little over a month. He has disrespected me in so many ways. I hate him so much yet still love him. Im not sure why I still do when he is being such a low life

I started 180 last week and he finally started to show some sort of remorse but then early this week i backtracked and he reeled me in and gave me hope ("a lot can change in a year"). Then a few hours later when i tried talking to him again he was being an A-hole again and said he still wants divorce. I started 180 again so i need to do my best to stick with it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont wish to be back with this man. He already has your kids spending time with another woman, an AFFAIR partner...why in hell would you EVER want him again?? He is the lowest form of a man, divorce him as quickly as you can.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

KrissyR said:


> My 5 year old has cried multiple times bc he doesnt understand why we are living separately. My husband does not give a **** about his feelings... he literally said "too bad, **** happens" when i told him.


Man, that really burns my toast. If something like that was ever spoken in my presence, I'd have a hard time not laying a guy out for saying something so cold and cruel in reference to his own child. This is pain that HE caused, and he would brush it aside like a hiker waving his hand at a mosquito. If you ever find yourself starting to think that maybe you're being hard on him, remember those words that he dared utter, because when he said it he was letting you know who he really is.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

KrissyR said:


> He only has them 2 days a month. And those 2 days a month he has them he spends it with his girlfriend and her son too. They do everything together. They sleep in the same house together with our kids. We have only been separated a little over a month. He has disrespected me in so many ways. I hate him so much yet still love him. Im not sure why I still do when he is being such a low life
> 
> I started 180 last week and he finally started to show some sort of remorse but then early this week i backtracked and he reeled me in and gave me hope ("a lot can change in a year"). Then a few hours later when i tried talking to him again he was being an A-hole again and said he still wants divorce. I started 180 again so i need to do my best to stick with it.


OMG please just stop.

Someone like this doesn't even know the MEANING of the word remorse. 

Please STOP doing the 'pick me' dance. It's degrading and humiliating.

You need to speak to your lawyer about having a morality clause put in your divorce agreement. Many betrayed spouses have had this clause put into their divorce papers and it states that Romeo isn't allowed to have any 'overnight guests' while he's got custody of the children those whopping _2 whole days_ a month that he's pretending to be their father. I'd be willing to bet he's dumped 90% of their care during those two days onto his girlfriend's shoulders. I doubt he'll be the recipient of the _Father of the Year Award_ anytime soon. What a colossal POS.

Make sure your lawyer sucks this loser dry for everything he's got. 

Lastly, do NOT fall for his bull**** phone calls and texts when he's suddenly acting all misty-eyed about 'missing you' and 'missing his family.' Those will likely be ploys designed to soften you up so you're more agreeable to what HE wants to pay in alimony and child support. Don't fall for it. LET YOUR LAWYER HANDLE IT!!!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I agree- let your lawyer handle it, and go dark on him. He does not get to go cake eat w his gf while you wait in the wings. Find someone to mediate all texts/emails/communication with him today. He no longer has access to you at all. Change the locks. He's decided to leave the family, he doesn't get to fence-sit. If it's his turn to take the kids, safely watch them exit your car into his. Refuse all contact directly.

And watch how quickly this scares him into action.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hope you take his sorry ass to the cleaners!!!


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I have yet to hire a lawyer because I am weak as **** right now. He has somehow successfully made me feel like I want to be friendly with him while he sleeps at his girlfriend's house every night. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am so pathetic. Starting to ICE him out again (3rd try) because he feels no remorse at all since i havent show him there are any consequences to his actions. It has been really hard for me to stick with it but i need to do my best to not let him make me feel bad for him. The other day he talked for 15 minutes explaining how stressed he was from work and it made me feel so sorry him. Then he tried to talk about what I was up to. And he said he was proud of me for how much i was accomplishing. I should not let these convos be happening! He doesn't deserve to talk to me.

He also told me "sometimes i miss the kids so much i feel like trying to get back with you." It felt like a bullet went straight through my heart. Why would i want to get back together with someone who feels that way? Like wtf


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

KrissyR said:


> I have yet to hire a lawyer because I am weak as **** right now. He has somehow successfully made me feel like I want to be friendly with him while he sleeps at his girlfriend's house every night. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am so pathetic. Starting to ICE him out again (3rd try) because he feels no remorse at all since i havent show him there are any consequences to his actions. It has been really hard for me to stick with it but i need to do my best to not let him make me feel bad for him. The other day he talked for 15 minutes explaining how stressed he was from work and it made me feel so sorry him. Then he tried to talk about what I was up to. And he said he was proud of me for how much i was accomplishing. I should not let these convos be happening! He doesn't deserve to talk to me.
> 
> He also told me "sometimes i miss the kids so much i feel like trying to get back with you." It felt like a bullet went straight through my heart. Why would i want to get back together with someone who feels that way? Like wtf


Just....no words. 

Please read my previous post- it was written to help you prevent this. GO DARK. He should have absolutely NO access to you. 

Please find your lady balls, like a previous poster said. Talk to a lawyer today.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@KrissyR, he is playing a game of see-saw with your feelings because he is a cake eater. He's using the OW for his fix and you are his emotional tampon. You can stop that by forging ahead with divorce. Remove yourself from the equation. You don't need this noise and petitioning for divorce puts you in a place of action and advantage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> I have yet to hire a lawyer because I am weak as **** right now. He has somehow successfully made me feel like I want to be friendly with him while he sleeps at his girlfriend's house every night. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am so pathetic. Starting to ICE him out again (3rd try) because he feels no remorse at all since i havent show him there are any consequences to his actions. It has been really hard for me to stick with it but i need to do my best to not let him make me feel bad for him. The other day he talked for 15 minutes explaining how stressed he was from work and it made me feel so sorry him. Then he tried to talk about what I was up to. And he said he was proud of me for how much i was accomplishing. I should not let these convos be happening! He doesn't deserve to talk to me.
> 
> He also told me "sometimes i miss the kids so much i feel like trying to get back with you." It felt like a bullet went straight through my heart. Why would i want to get back together with someone who feels that way? Like wtf


Krissy, you are not listening to any advice here at all. Why on earth would you spend 15 minutes of your time with this man who has treated you so terribly. You owe him nothing! You are wasting your breathe. He has you wrapped around his little finger. Stop it for God's sake!
180 him, keep it professional, no contact except via email. You are being a doormat. Why would he treat you any differently when you yourself don't have enough self respect to cut him off and out of your life?
Remember you teach people how to treat you and that is exactly what you are doing. Time to get on your big girl panties and fight tough. Take it one day at a time but stick to the plan. No more niceties, you need to heal and move on. You need to be strong and resolute for your kids.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So is this the relationship you want your kids to have when they grow up and move out? Do you want them to have a partner that treats them this way? Your kids are watching, and learning by YOUR example. Imagine someone doing this to one of them, and them responding the way that you are. How does that make you feel? What would you tell them?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Krissy, tell him ONCE to only contact you by email about kids and finances before you get a lawyer. No more answering his calls and texts. Block his number. Block him online. Turn off your phone if you have to. Then check your email once a day and only respond to anything he says about kids and finances. 

You're giving him far too much power over you. You're opening yourself up for heartbreak every time he feels the slightest bit bad about what he's done when there is no chance of him working on the marriage. No contact means no new hurts. Put yourself first here.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I absolutely agree with what everyone is saying. I start icing him then become weak when he says he wants to have a good co-parenting relationship. I dont have the right balance of being a good co-parent and being able to respect myself. I've always put him first when it comes to our marriage and he took that for granted so now I need to focus on ME and what I want for myself and the kids. He knows i have a weak spot for him and he constantly uses that against me. Please pray that i keep the strength to stand up for myself and my kids


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

KrissyR said:


> I absolutely agree with what everyone is saying. I start icing him then become weak when he says he wants to have a good co-parenting relationship. I dont have the right balance of being a good co-parent and being able to respect myself. I've always put him first when it comes to our marriage and he took that for granted so now I need to focus on ME and what I want for myself and the kids. He knows i have a weak spot for him and he constantly uses that against me. Please pray that i keep the strength to stand up for myself and my kids


He sounds incredibly manipulative, they are hard to break up with. Since you can't go no contact as you have kids with him, I'd go as limited contact as possible. Literally only discuss the kids, the divorce, etc...when he contacts you. Don't contact him. I'd remove him from facebook and other areas where he can get at you. He will play endless head games if you let him. If he wants to start talking about other things other than the kids, to get you to 'be his friend,' just say ''I have to go, thanks for calling.'' He doesn't want to be your friend, he only wants to use you on his terms, and as others have said ''cake eat.''

You got this. You are stronger than you might know.  Sorry you are going through this.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

It's been awhile since I posted. I have done a good job doing limited contact for the past few weeks. I only text back if its about the kids/finances. I do not answer phone calls unless its a scheduled call for the kids. He has tried to get me to call him to talk about kids/finances but i aIways tell him that he can text me whatever it is he wants to talk about. I wanted to avoid phone calls with him because he says really mean things to me and i didnt want to put myself in a position that allowed him to do that. Now he has started the rude/angry texts. I've been good at not responding to them but yesterday we really got into it.

He has the kids this weekend so I asked if he would respect my wishes to keep AP away from our kids (a reasonable request that a lawyer suggested i tell him). He didnt give me an answer that gave me clarity so i told him that if he doesnt agree to it then he will have to drive to me to see the kids (we live 3 hours away). He flipped out and was telling me I can't control what he does and how he is trying to be civil but I am rude when i speak to him and he loves the kids so much and he shouldnt have to be punished just bc he doesn't do what I say or want to stay married to me. He said "i thought you would understand that". 

ALL I TOLD HIM WAS TO KEEP AFFAIR PARTNER AWAY FROM KIDS. 

He successfully reeled me into the angry conversation 😕 We were texting back and forth. He was blaming the separation on me bc "i changed completely on him" and he never went behind my back to cheat bc he waited till we separated to start a relationship with his AP (his coworker and also my "friend"). i was telling him to stop lying and he wanted separation bc of what started out as an emotional affair. He says he has a "clear conscience". In the end it was a pointless convo that just let him know he can still get under my skin.

Also he feels like he has the right to video chat them almost every night. I do let him when it works with my schedule. Should I continue to let him do this every day? The only day he doesnt try is sunday bc he doesnt work thay day and is with AP. He only calls when he is at work (before he leaves to AP's house). 

It is so hard to coparent with a selfish a-hole! Ughhhh! How do i become INDIFFERENT faster??!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> It's been awhile since I posted. I have done a good job doing limited contact for the past few weeks. I only text back if its about the kids/finances. I do not answer phone calls unless its a scheduled call for the kids. He has tried to get me to call him to talk about kids/finances but i aIways tell him that he can text me whatever it is he wants to talk about. I wanted to avoid phone calls with him because he says really mean things to me and i didnt want to put myself in a position that allowed him to do that. Now he has started the rude/angry texts. I've been good at not responding to them but yesterday we really got into it.
> 
> He has the kids this weekend so I asked if he would respect my wishes to keep AP away from our kids (a reasonable request that a lawyer suggested i tell him). He didnt give me an answer that gave me clarity so i told him that if he doesnt agree to it then he will have to drive to me to see the kids (we live 3 hours away). He flipped out and was telling me I can't control what he does and how he is trying to be civil but I am rude when i speak to him and he loves the kids so much and he shouldnt have to be punished just bc he doesn't do what I say or want to stay married to me. He said "i thought you would understand that".
> 
> ...


He's playing mind games with himself because his miniscule conscience is tearing him up. He doesn't want to be known as the filthy, lying, low character cheater that he knows he is. THis is why it's best to never talk to trash like this. All they know how to do is spin, spin, spin their rotten lives so that it sounds to an onlooker that they aren't the scum they really are.
My ex's mother actually told me that lots of women cheat on their husbands to get the courage up to leave them. I actually showed her the damning twitter posts she was making that showed what a lying, despicable cheat she really was. Full of foul language and things like "I should go to the front of the line at buffets with ***** this good" and "can't wait until 12 turns 18 and brings his friends over, always wanted to be a MILF"......

My point: Low-lifes like your husband can spin anything to make it sound like they aren't what they are---- a cheater.

I could tell you a way to reach indifference faster, but I won't because it's not the right way. It will make you feel like ****.
So I will tell you this: Endure the pain. Learn to love the pain. Find a new hobby, take some classes to further your career or job opportunities, and meet some new friends. Dedicate your entire existence to your children and making your life better. Your mind won't have time to dwell on your ****ty ex husband.

I see the video chat thing with my gf's ex and how he manipulates her schedule and makes her feel guilty and then uses the video chats to manipulate her children and ruin their day. 
DO NOT feel guilty about not letting them video chat on HIS SCHEDULE. He is with another woman. He's chosen to abandon his kids and his wife, which he swore to honor and cherish. He is following the script in getting angry as hell when you show some backbone and not tolerate his despicable behavior.

Spend your days worrying about YOU and your KIDS. Never spend one minute worrying about his feelings. He damn sure isn't worried about yours.

YOU WILL GET PAST THIS. I promise. But you've got to move on and keep moving on. Then you will reach indifference and you will 99.9% likely meet another man that you will fall in love with and be in awe of the fact that it is possible to love a new, better man MORE than you are currently in love with your husband.
You'll make it! Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My ex-W has said and done a few things which remind me of why we're not together. Each new incident hardens me further. Indifference comes from seeing the other person for who they really are, not who we thought they were for so long.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.

My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts. 

He was suppose to have the kids this weekend but he is refusing to drive out of town to pick them up bc he doesnt want to give me the satisfaction of me having "all the control". Yet in the meantime he claims he would do "anything" to have the kids every weekend. EVERYTHING but drive to pick them up?! What a joke. 

Someone please tell that he will become sane one day!!! I would love to co-parent with him one day but I cant with someone so delusional.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop. 
Don't engage his childish texts. 
Answer with less than 1/3 of the words he uses. 
Facts only. Logistics only. NO emotions over text. 
Do not get drawn in. What a waste of your precious energy. 
Rinse, repeat. If he realizes you won't be bullied, he will back off.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Krissy, did HE move away from you and the kids? If so, it is HIS responsibility to make travel arrangements, and Im sorry but his coworker should not be the one shuttling his kids! Im glad you didnt agree to this. If he ends up not getting them, then that is HIS problem. If Im reading that plan correctly, he would only see them a few hours on Sunday?? Thats ridiculous. Dont give in to this.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

For what it's worth, a friend is in a LTR with a divorced man who has a wonky work schedule. When he requested my friend be allowed to pick up the kids for him and keep them until he was off work,his ex said no and the courts agreed with her. No judge is going to allow kids to be shuffled around frequently between relatives and their fathers short term partner while he's working or otherwise occupied.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.
> 
> My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts.
> 
> ...


If you have seen a lawyer, talk to them and see what you have to do, nothing more. If as someone has suggested here, you are not responsible for dropping them off at colleagues, etc then do not do it. Tell him and throw the law at him, show him that you will not be manipulated or bullied. He will soon see the consequences of his actions, he cannot have it all his way.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I moved 3 hours away to be with my family bc in the beginning he asked if i could stay there while he took time to "think". A few days after i gave him the space he needed, he told me he wanted 6 months to a year of separation then maybe divorce. He told me that I could stay in our home but i decided to stay at my parents. A month later i found out he had been dating one of his employees who was suppose to be a friend of mine. 

I havent looked stable today bc i suggested mediation to calm things down but i realized he would do things behind my back even if we agreed to it so i would rather have it court ordered so he can get in trouble for it. He told me he had off this sunday, which is why he wanted the kids, but i found out he actually had to work and his girlfriend would be watching the kids. I told him no and i was going to find a babysitter for them but i realized how crazy this all is and decided to change my mind on mediation. I cant mediate with someone so selfish.

Wish me luck.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Have you consulted with an attorney yet? You're just spinning your wheels until you take control of this situation.


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

I have consulted with 2 lawyers. But i scheduled to see a lawyer next week that should get the ball rolling on the process. Thats the first available appointment that the lawyer i like has.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

KrissyR said:


> Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.
> 
> My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts.
> 
> ...


Well done!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Best of luck to you in the divorce process, sweetheart!*


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Thank you. Today my husband tried to convince me why his affair partner should be able to hang out with our kids. He said "you used to let her hang around the kids before. We are not affectionate in front of the kids. She is just around."

Like how crazy is he?!! I used to let her hang around the kids before when she was our friend!! Not his girlfriend!!! He is playing daddy to her kid right now!!! Ughhhhh So unbelievable!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

KrissyR said:


> Yeah i agree.. i will definitely get past this but until we go to Juvenile Domestic court (in 3 months) it will be hard to deal with him. He tried to be nice to me earlier today and then started to ask me for unreasonable requests. He wants his sister to have them 2 fridays a month, she would keep them all day saturday then at night drive an hour away to drop the kids off to my WH's coworker who would pick them up and drive the kids 2 hours to my WH's job. Then the kids would wait there till WH got off work. Then they would be returned the next day by his coworker. My kids are 4 and 5. Thats way too much bouncing around. I told him that I was not comfortable with any of that and he needs to be responsible for picking his own kids up. He FREAKED out on me. He got so hateful and angry bc I declined and said that if it doesn't go his way, then he wont drive to pick up the kids at all. He also continued to say how much he hates me and how he cant believe he spent the last 6 years with me. How he is going to get everything he wants when we go to court and he is going to pay me less money in the meantime.
> 
> My response??? "Sorry you feel that way". That pissed him off even more and he sent more angry texts.
> 
> ...


Save all of these texts for when you decide to hire a lawyer. This type of stuff has bearing, as my friend is finding out, in court. Oh and by refusing to pick them up, he is only making visitation better for you. It sets a pattern which make a judges decision easier. Again, only talk about the children do not get caught up in arguments. 

You say "no," then no longer respond. Let him send a hundred texts. Then you get to say "see, he harasses me when he doesn't get his way."


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## KrissyR (Apr 5, 2017)

Definitely saving all these texts. I dont know why he sends me things that can be used against him. He is not very bright. Every text i send i make sure to sound short and level headed (because i really am). His are pure emotion. I never send hurtful angry texts to him. Those are the majority i receive when he doesnt get his way

My favorite is how he likes to add "why did i ever waste my time with you?" Well thats how I felt when i found out you had an affair dummy

Anyone gone through a similar experience where the wayward spouse brings the AP around the kids?? How did it turn out? How did u handle it?


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