# Extreamely confused desperate for advice!



## sadmommy1234 (Apr 9, 2015)

I have been in my current marriage for 6 years, this is my second marriage my first lasted 7 years, and I can't tell if it's love or manipulation. We moved very fast when we got married I had only been divorced for a few months when we started dating and were then married just a few months after that. I felt it was to fast but he was insistent and I'm a very passive person so I went with it. I have one daughter from my first marriage he has 3 daughters from a previous relationship and together we have had two that is a total of 6 kids. During our first two years of marriage his ex made it near to impossible for us to see the 3 girls then she went to prison and we got custody of the girls. At that time I was pregnant and bed rested with a baby not even a year old. And our marriage was already in the toilet. Then the girls came they were 7,5,3 and out of control. My husband wasn't much help with them so it was all left up to me. I gave birth to my last baby 6 weeks early because there was no way for me to be able to stay in bed. During my pregnancies he put his hands on me and would yell in my face to the point that my neighbors would come pull him away from me. He never hit me hard mostly held me down. Now fast forward 4 years and it has been about a year and a half since he has put his hands on me but every time he gets angry I’m afraid. I love my step daughters as my own I actually get offended when people say I’m just a step mom because I’m not I’m their mommy! Their bio mom is a drug addict that is in and out of prison all the time. I’m all they have. I never went back to work after my last pregnancy because the cost of child care. I’m not a good stay at home mom I hate being stuck at home but I love getting to raise my kids. My husband and I fight almost daily he is very aggressive and I’m very passive. I’ll always give in to avoid conflict. I have fun with my kids I take them everywhere! So now to my problem I’m all set to leave and I can’t talk to my husband without conflict so I always write him letters that way I can say what I need to without fighting. I told him I was leaving because I couldn’t live this life anymore. We live in a two bedroom apartment where he works. He does make ok money but he spends it very poorly so we cannot afford a house. I’ve tried going back to work but every time he makes it impossible for me to do so. SO when he read the letter rather than talking to me he told the girls I was leaving. I didn’t even know what to say to them at that very moment I was in too much shock that he would do that to them. I finally sat them down and explained things to them in a way that they might understand. Of course they were crying and asking why they couldn’t come with me. That was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life! So now it’s been a few days since I told him I was leaving and still 3 days before I do leave and he is being the husband and father that I’ve always wanted and needed him to be. I feel it’s just a show to keep me. But it feels so good! And I’m so worried about my girls. They won’t have any one to watch them after school or to help them with homework nothing. And he will be left without a car, we share a car and it’s mine. I do love him I can’t tell you why I do there is more reason to dislike him but I do. I just need some advice. Is it worth staying and feeling worthless and depressed or to leave and have the pain of losing and leaving my 3 girls behind? I’m not a dumb woman I’ve just been a naïve woman. Any advice from someone who has had a similar experience would be greatly appreciated!


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Do you think he would do anything to hurt you? It scares me when I read about men like him. Would he hurt the girls? If you think might, I think you should seek advice from a counselor at a women's shelter.

I think you have some issues if you love him. How can you be a stay at home mom to 6 kids with him working from home in a two bedroom apartment and not feel stressed and threatened? I think you need a support system. And my opinion is that when you say you are leaving he is going to flip. Have someone there with you when you leave. That should help.

Be smart about this. Don't let him or your emotions fool you. He is messed up and he's going to take you down if you let him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you gone to counseling at an organization that helps victims of abuse? This is very important because he is using the girls to manipulate you. 

I also get that you do not want to leave the girls. I have two step children who I raised. My ex had custody of them but he did next to nothing... he did not even earn an income. So I was left to support my son, his children and him. I waited until his children were out of high school to divorce him. Their mother walked out when they were 7 & 8 years old. There was no way I was going to leave my step kids. 

But he was not abusive like your husband is. 

If you get into counseling, talk to them about the girls and what you can do. You might be able to have rights with them.

Does their mother still have any kind of legal rights?


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sadmommy - forgive me here......but when I come across such a big wall of text I have no interest in reading it. Visually its overpowering.

Please edit your text and put paragraphs in...break it up a bit and I am sure you will get more responses.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

SurpriseMyself and EleGirl have excellent points, and I would encourage you to listen to them. Please seek out counseling from an organization that helps victims of abuse, so you can find a way to extricate yourself from this situation in the safest way possible.

You've said that now he's being the husband that you need him to be. This isn't going to last, I'm afraid. He's doing this in the short-term to ensure that you won't leave, but he will eventually revert to his earlier behavior. Abusers don't change overnight; if they recognize that they are abusers and want to change, it takes lots of work and literally years to change those behavioral patterns. He's attempting to manipulative you with this "good husband" behavior.

Do you have a clear plan in place? Do you have somewhere to go, or a support system? If not, please please please speak to an abuse counselor before you move yourself and your girls out, get their advice on how you can do it safely. My concern is that he may physically harm you when he realizes you're really leaving.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I agree with the others, his desperation may cause him to do something desperate to maintain control.

Use extreme precaution, and you really do not know to what level unstable people will sink down to.

You have a child to consider, and that child needs a healthy parent. Keep that in mind, as you create a support system, get the authorities involved, get friends and family to look after you,while you use the time and energy to focus on moving ahead.

Manipulation is just a tool in his arsenal to guilt you into what he wants to happen. It is what abusers do, they want power and control so they have someone safe they can take their issues on. They fear loss, and that is why you should get help. Irrational people will perform irrational actions.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

There is you, your husband and 6 out of control children in a 2 bedroom apartment?

serious??


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

sadmommy1234 said:


> So now it’s been a few days since I told him I was leaving and still 3 days before I do leave and he is being the husband and father that I’ve always wanted and needed him to be. I feel it’s just a show to keep me. But it feels so good!


And it will all go back to square one if you don't leave. You threw down the gauntlet. He's scared. And if you stay, he's won and knows he always will. You don;t have to be gone for good, but he needs to think you are. Then, when you see him doing some heavy lifting to get you back (anger management maybe), you'll THINK about coming back.

You've got him on the ropes. You need to follow through. This doesn't have to be the end, but he needs to think it is. If he doesn't, you get nothing out of it.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Sadmommy, do you have an update? How are you doing?


----------

