# Feeling like a fool...



## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

First of all, I'm nervous about posting on a forum. Not sure if he cares enough to get on a site like this, though I know he posts regularly to several depression forums with a very similar format.

I'm feeling like a fool because after thinking I'd finally learned to listen to my inner voice, I evidently turned a deaf ear as well as a blind eye to what was in front of me.

I guess my inner voice was leading me where I needed to go, or I wouldn't have felt the need to snoop, though. (I feel guilty about snooping and not respecting his privacy, but in the end, I am glad I did.)

My husband of almost 3 years professes his love to me daily, and he gives me lots of affection, though not much sex. (Low T, etc.) But he recently tried to get an old flame to meet up with him and professed his love to her, saying pretty much the same words to her that he says to me. 

He has no idea that I know. I haven't confronted him about it. 

When we met, I was an independent woman, having raised 4 kids on my own. I was my own person, and I didn't depend on anyone but myself. So, late in life, I thought I'd kissed enough frogs and finally found a prince of a fellow. While he wanted to take care of me, I was perfectly able to take care of myself. In that situation, I would have kicked him to the curb. (There were things I had forgiven in the past that all add up to no more chances now. Here's me ignoring the inner voice screaming in my ear.)

My health deteriorated after we married, and now I'm disabled because of back and neck surgeries. I depend upon my husband for all my financial needs for myself and for my developmentally disabled teenage daughter who looks up to my husband as the father she never had. So, I'm not really in a position to give up on my marriage that quickly now. I still want out, but rather than approach him with the truth I know, I find myself taking steps to build myself back up again and trying to prepare financially for the day when I do walk away.

I'm beating myself up pretty hard about sticking around and hiding my feelings of hurt and betrayal and just allowing my marriage to become a farce. If anyone has any advice, I'll gladly listen. 

The story is a lot longer than just one incident, and I'm learning more about his past from other folks as well. I have to admit that he's a damned good liar, too. So, now I feel pretty crappy because in a sense I am no better than he is because I'm lying to him every time I act pleasant when a part of me wants to scream at him.

Quaker

P.S. I'm still very confused about loving and hating him at the same time!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry 

Number one, you're not alone. There are a lot of us BS's here.

There's a link in my signature for CWI newbies - that is a good place to start.

You can also have a look at other people's signatures for lots of other great links. A good place to start doing is at the 180.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Stay strong. Hope has summed it up.

Your basic need for your husband is only financial need.

The 180 is a good start for you to focus on yourself, become stronger, stable, emotionally, physically, mentally.
The Healing Heart: The 180

A relaxed mind with a healthy diet, focuses better, rationalizes better, makes judgement of decisions better. Use it, improve yourself first, confront and keep working on getting stronger.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I am so sorry
> 
> Number one, you're not alone. There are a lot of us BS's here.
> 
> ...


I am a BS and a cautionary tale of what happens when you stay 30 years longer than you should have. I'm getting out now but if I could redo my life, I would have gotten out then.


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## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

Thank you all. It looks like I have a lot of things to read on Hope's link for CWI newbies. (The abbreviations are an IMMENSE help in reading posts on the forums!) I'll be checking out 180 next. Thanks, CleanJerkSnatch. 

AM2013, she told him she was glad to be friends with him AND his family, but that she couldn't do anything else for him. He evidently broke her heart in a similar fashion 30 years ago. She was lucky enough to find out when they were dating, though. There's been no more contact with them since then, but he's fishing around on some sites. Grrrr! I'm going to need a therapist just to let off all this steam. 

Openminded, don't worry. There's no way I'll stick around 30 years for this. Just trying to gather myself for the departure. Just may take longer than I like. I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow about actually filing for my disability, and he may be the same lawyer I use for a divorce.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Quaker said:


> Thank you all. It looks like I have a lot of things to read on Hope's link for CWI newbies. (The abbreviations are an IMMENSE help in reading posts on the forums!) I'll be checking out 180 next. Thanks, CleanJerkSnatch.
> 
> AM2013, she told him she was glad to be friends with him AND his family, but that she couldn't do anything else for him. He evidently broke her heart in a similar fashion 30 years ago. She was lucky enough to find out when they were dating, though. There's been no more contact with them since then, but he's fishing around on some sites. Grrrr! I'm going to need a therapist just to let off all this steam.
> 
> Openminded, don't worry. There's no way I'll stick around 30 years for this. Just trying to gather myself for the departure. Just may take longer than I like. I am talking to a lawyer tomorrow about actually filing for my disability, and he may be the same lawyer I use for a divorce.


Wow!

I am in the same situation!
My wife doesn't know that I feel that way.
I have no hard evidence, just a bunch of circumstantial and I to am getting my affairs in order for that day.

Intimacy is gone because I no longer feel it, sex gone also.

I am becoming stronger and more ambitous.

I have seen no real change even tho she promised to work in the marriage.

I have put up with enough and so have u I'm guessing.
I don't see anything wrong with doing it the way we are.
I mean we are distancing ourselves and their behavior is unacceptable right?

I feel that if they cared, they would sense this and try to work on it just as a non cheater would if they felt their marriage were falling apart.

Only thing I recommend is that u tell your husband that you know.

That way he can try to improve (or not-his choice) and u can see if its good enuff by the time u get ur act together.

I am gonna follow ur thread and wish for u the life u feel u deserve
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Sorry your hurting. Being sick or disabled and having the man look elsewhere is heartbreaking. Disability you can get if youve worked the last three years straight. Otherwise they take your husbands income into account. So you have to sepereate in order to qualify for other. It usually takes a year. Get a attorney that specializes in ssi disability. They usually always say no first, but win in appeal. You will get all backpay.

Sorry your in this situation


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Well, there's another way of looking at this. 

It blows that your husband is looking elsewhere, possibly due to the fact that you're disabled with serious medical issues.

On the other hand, you've got yourself a breadwinner and surrogate father to your developmentally disabled daughter, and you've only invested 3 years of your life to get there. 

What if you hadn't met him?

You'd have to take care of your daughter and yourself without having him to pay the bills. 

That might suck even more.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

totamm said:


> Well, there's another way of looking at this.
> 
> It blows that your husband is looking elsewhere, possibly due to the fact that you're disabled with serious medical issues.
> 
> ...


You know what?
Not only is that another way to look at it,
It might be the most important way as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Have you confronted him? If every you do never tell him how you find out or how much you know. Tell him he needs to stop breaking his boundaries with this woman. 

He knows he is tempting himself and putting himself in occasions to fail, thinking that he can overcome the "just friends".


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## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up, I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this as well. The reason I've chosen not to confront my H is because this is his 3rd strike. He's out. The first time happened before we were married, and he and I had just become exclusive. Last time...well, it never got off it's feet because I nipped it in the bud before it could. He was in an internet flirtation with my so-called best friend. He came clean, and begged forgiveness. He vowed to spend the rest of his life rebuilding my trust in him. I've discovered that since then he's been on multiple sites, looking for a hook-up. He doesn't plan on leaving me. He just wants the thrill of the chase. When we broke up (before our marriage), that thrill was back. So, he pursued me into marriage. 

He's had multiple marriages. Turns out this was the same problem with at least the previous two, not to mention with the old flame. I see a pattern of behavior that won't change. 

I still love him, and a part of me feels sorry for him because I know what he went through that warped his personality this way. It's still not acceptable behavior, and I won't live like this any longer than necessary.

Totamm...it was not my disability which caused the problem. I weigh exactly what I did when we got married, and sex isn't something that I can't do. In fact, I want sex more than he does. 

If I hadn't met him? I wouldn't have had a way to get the surgery which actually ended up causing my disability.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

A cake eating addict...I see.

Sex drive is built from healthy diet and chemicals in the mind.

He doesn't have sex drive for you because he's out seeking other women. He is using his dopamine to seek other ephemeral pleasures.


3 strikes and he's out? Multiple marriages?
Write down on a sheet of paper and write down all the pro's and con's of any of your decisions with follow through scenarios and ''weigh'' them.

File for D, serve him (you can always get back together later if he fulfills all the R requirements etc) and move along.


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## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

I like that idea. Writing down the pros and cons might make me more objective. I'm not that far out from DDay, and I still feel a lot of fury with the pain.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Do not feel like a fool. My husband had an EA with my best friend. Unbelievable. The members on this board will help you. At least to know you are not alone.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

There are so many emotions you will encounter. My Dday was August 17th. Well, the really big one anyway. I had so many mini ones. It still affects me.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> A cake eating addict...I see.
> 
> Sex drive is built from healthy diet and chemicals in the mind.
> 
> He doesn't have sex drive for you because he's out seeking other women. He is using his dopamine to seek other ephemeral pleasures.


This is not necessarily true. Im not proud of it but i went through almost a 6 year stint were id had no sexual drive with my wife. Not once did go out and seek it from someone else. Just for some reason along the line i just stopped really caring for it. I was always tired, i worked construction so after a long 12 hour days of busting my ass i was just not in the mood, cause i was gonna be a wam bam thank you mam in the sack and my wife in my mind deserved more then that. 

Lol but of course that is the reason why I'm on her now, wasn't satisfying my wife's needs. So there are 2 good points. damn. In the end she said she would of been happier with the quick sex then the 0 sex. Damn ass me. :scratchhead:

Probably is not the case in your situation but i just wanted to point it out that sometimes the no sex drive means its not because of there spouse, its just them.


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## Quaker (Feb 18, 2013)

CanadianGirl, I'm sure I have a lot more of emotional roller coasters to ride before this is over. Thanks for being there.

Ody360, my WH has had low-testosterone for quite some time. It never seemed to bother him the first six months we were married. The second 6 months, our sex life began to slow down. Last year, it became almost non-existent. Part of my feeling like a fool was in believing he had no interest in sex. He just wasn't interested in sex with me. 

Here's the quote that broke my heart and sent me over the edge as far as expecting my marriage to be worth reconciling. 

"I admit right now, I've always loved you, love you now, and always will, and the passion/smiles/great memories will always be in my heart, but if it's best for you, I will lifelong keep them silent. hidden, and to myself. I miss the glow you give off, how you make me and everyone nearby smile inside and out, your contagious laugh, and even if I never get to share another kiss, just know no one has ever kissed me like you, with the electricity, heat, and power I felt. But please know this. If you ever breathe a word of what I say here to xxxxx, the damage will be devastating. Totally."

Yeah, he was right about that part. She did not agree to meet my husband in secret, but she didn't put him in his place either...even though his cheating is what caused them to break up years ago. 

I trusted him. I was a fool for doing that.


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## SevenEight (Feb 6, 2013)

I am really sorry for what you are going through.

I found out my wife had been cheating just over two weeks ago and it is beyond painful. I was the one who seemed to want to try to work things out more than her, but I have already caught her lying twice since dday. I'm at the point where I don't see any hope for R anymore.

It really hurts to get betrayed by someone you thought had the same level of respect and commitment as you. I also found some really hurtful communications, using the same words to another man that I thought she only said to me.

This forum has helped me a lot so far. There is a lot of experience and support available here.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Be true to you...please do not live in fear and denial. In the end, life is too short to be anything else but happy. You deserve more than that. Good luck!


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