# You don't love me, all you want is sex!



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In response to a thread started by @hmvp1981 I want to start a thread about this. In the HD/LD dynamic, one of the most challenging flash points of arguments is the LD claiming that the HD ONLY cares about sex and that the LD does not feel loved. The lack of feeling loved destroys what little desire the LD might have and being starved for sex causes the HD's desire to be rather unmanageable. It is a toxic argument that tends to create its own self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. 

So for those that have been through this and have had to deal with it, what are some good ways to address this argument? Here are some of my thoughts:


The HD should actually validate that argument and claim that a lack of sex in marriage does lend itself towards someone with a healthy libido being overwhelmed by urges of wanting to have sex. Neglecting in marriage also tends to make someone with a healthy libido feel unloving towards the other. However love is patient and I have been patient with you now for *__* amount of time. 
 If sex is all someone wants the HD can also claim to be perfectly capable of doing that all alone and make the LD very aware of how often that happens and then question why should an effort be made to try and share that if things are so difficult as a couple. Then the HD can claim they make an effort out of love and say that perhaps the LD is the one that doesn't feel loving towards the other in the relationship.

THAT will not solve that argument, but it will likely flush out the issue that the LD does NOT feel very loving towards the HD spouse. Everyone projects their own issues onto others. When the LD claims that the HD does not love them, perhaps that is the exact feeling that the LD is struggling with towards the HD. Why does the LD not feel loving towards their spouse, well because they feel the HD spouse only wants sex and is not connecting emotionally, or there might be harbored resentment somewhere somehow. 

This then leads to discovering step 2 of the problem as to why the LD does not feel loving towards the HD. It is very likely that the LD feels used for sex as a result of low self confidence. Low self confidence can manifest itself in the most pronounced ways when it comes to sexual intimacy. True and sustainable sexual intimacy is about a couple allowing themselves to be completely seen by one another. Meanwhile for couples that try to hide things about themselves from the other, maintaining that causes anxiety. If there is one part of the relationship that requires one to be vulnerable and rather transparent, that is during sexual intimacy. Perhaps men suffer from ED because of the anxiety of hiding something from a spouse about themselves (perhaps it is a fear of not being good enough and being abandoned). Perhaps women suffer from arousal difficulty because they have anxiety about not being attractive enough without cloths. 

So what does this all boil down to? Working on each other self confidence. But the catch 22 is that the HD can't do this by giving honest compliments, for they will be perceived as lies and a form of manipulation just to get more sex. 

Round and round we go! 

Badsanta


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

The issue around sex can come down to, we just want our partners to want us. As the HD spouse, I realized sex IS my love language! It took a while for both my husband and myself to realize it hurts me when he says he's too tired for sex. It makes me feel unloved and it's more than just sex. 

Maybe the LD spouse doesn't know sex is an expression of their spouse's love? Or doesn't receive it well, because touch is not their love language so they don't fully appreciate the act of sex. In this case, what speaks to LD's heart? And when the efforts and connection is there, would LD be more willing to have sex for the sake of HD feeling loved? After all, sex should still feel good to LD even if it doesn't make them feel loved the way HD experiences it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

K3itty said:


> The issue around sex can come down to, we just want our partners to want us. As the HD spouse, I realized sex IS my love language! It took a while for both my husband and myself to realize it hurts me when he says he's too tired for sex. It makes me feel unloved and it's more than just sex.
> 
> Maybe the LD spouse doesn't know sex is an expression of their spouse's love? Or doesn't receive it well, because touch is not their love language so they don't fully appreciate the act of sex. In this case, what speaks to LD's heart? And when the efforts and connection is there, would LD be more willing to have sex for the sake of HD feeling loved? After all, sex should still feel good to LD even if it doesn't make them feel loved the way HD experiences it.


At some point if it goes on long enough fear must be injected to the LD spouse mental state - fear of loss of the HD spouse and loss of all of the comforts of home and financial security provided by HD spouse.

At that point it could go two ways. The LD spouse realizes the importance their lack of involvement in the sexual relations plays into keeping the M alive. Or, the HD spouse starts to realize that nothing will work and prepares for a separation, because he/she doesn't want to use fear as a tool. 

But it is a real, but serious tool, in the tool box.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Correct answer: “That’s not true at all. I really like your cooking too.” Said with a smile and a pat on the butt and perhaps a quick kiss for good measure.

it’s a ******** manipulation tactic, and it should be treated as such.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don't think it's as complex as you are making it out. I think it's as simple as they don't want to. And any time someone wants you to do something you don't want, it feels like they are harping on you to do it all the time. 

The HD feels like the want to give the other love and pleasure. 

But since the LD doesn't want to and often simply isn't sexually attracted to the HD, The LD feels like the HD is always trying to TAKE something from them.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Whenever you are in an ongoing sexual relationship and ones partner says: "You don't love me, all you want is sex". The best answer is to simply say: "Yes."

Seriously pandering to manipulative, nonsense like that, by wanting to reassure ones partner blah, blah, blah. Is insipid behaviour that seldom inspires sexual desire at all.

Of which whenever I have been told the same or similar, by any of my sexual partners. I have always used the right answer of "yes", and in part as a consequence of that I have always got laid like tile.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I don't think it's as complex as you are making it out. I think it's as simple as they don't want to. And any time someone wants you to do something you don't want, it feels like they are harping on you to do it all the time.
> 
> The HD feels like the want to give the other love and pleasure.
> 
> But since the LD doesn't want to and often simply isn't sexually attracted to the HD, The LD feels like the HD is always trying to TAKE something from them.


Sad, and well known, true.

Hence it may be time for the fear factor.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I think it's as simple as they don't want to. And any time someone wants you to do something you don't want, it feels like they are harping on you to do it all the time.


Correct. The HD partner is simply wasting his/her time on someone who doesn't want to have sex with him/her. It's just that simple. 

I didn't marry her. It was the best decision I ever made. But, I also made a mistake. She told me that I wasn't the kind of man that women wanted to have sex with. My mistake is that I thought she was wrong. I should have let her gem of wisdom change my life, become a declared bachelor. I would have lived a much better life, instead of a life of working my a$$ off only to get NO REWARD.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sad, and well known, true.
> 
> Hence it may be time for the fear factor.


But when has that ever truly resolved the problem or worked long-term? 

People are supposed to CARE about eachother, and fear is a very poor creator of genuine love and care for another person...well, at least in MY experience. Fear increases the care for OUR own stake in a situation, I've never seen it increase the care for anyone else's stake in any situation.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> But when has that ever truly resolved the problem or worked long-term?
> 
> People are supposed to CARE about eachother, and fear is a very poor creator of genuine love and care for another person...well, at least in MY experience. Fear increases the care for OUR own stake in a situation, I've never seen it increase the care for anyone else's stake in any situation.


That’s why it’s a balance, but fear is part of the equation. You don’t want to run your relationship based on fear, that would be unhealthy (and I would imagine ultimately unfulfilling) for both parties.

Human beings generally require an element of fear of loss, and a clearly understanding that there are consequences up to and including loss of the relationship - in order to act right. It just is what it is, people will generally act as badly as you let them.

We constantly see this with weak, doormat men whose wives have no fear that they’ll leave or enforce consequences and therefore choose to act badly.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> Human beings generally require an element of fear of loss, and a clearly understanding that there are consequences up to and including loss of the relationship - in order to act right. It just is what it is, people will generally act as badly as you let them.


Do you really believe this in most cases in relationship? I understand it to a point, but personally, I have NEVER felt concern, care, or interest in anyone based on FEAR. In fact, the lack of fear is what really opens my heart up to someone.

If I feel afraid of losing someone, I actually completely let go and back off, to see what happens...if they go, then I would guess they didn't really value ME enough to stay. I also would never purposefully use fear to motivate someone to "change" for me, because I WANT to know the REAL person. Plus, I just haven't ever seen fear bring authentic change. 

I'll have to think about this more, because I could be wrong about some of it and how I'm interpreting what I've experienced in my relationships...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would reply, "If i did not love you i would not do xyz... If you do not want to be physically intimate with me, being that is when i feel the strongest emotional connection to you, then that proves to me that you do not love me. I have some serious decisions to make."


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Talking about sex never gets me anywhere. My wife turns it around (and rightly so) to basically say that if I want more sex than just make it happen... put kids to bed, take her on an overnight trip, get her out of the house to relax... she’ll say she wants more too but it’s hard to get in the mood with kids/housework/stress/exhaustion occurring during normal life. Of course, we probably have had many more children than most and kids are the ultimate lady libido killers. 😂. The next worst lady libido killer is hinting or saying you’re unsatisfied or needy about sex.

So, I prefer the “walk softly but carry a big stick” approach ... never talk about sex but wait for my opportunity- and then attack.😂 Don’t talk to wives about sex... just plan your next “trap”.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

From my perspective as a woman unless you can make a case for your guy mistreating or neglecting you the argument of you only want sex and don't love me is a deflection tactic.

The implication in that statement is that love and sex are mutually exclusive. If that's true then getting it elsewhere shouldn't be an issue because it has nothing to do with love. Not so different then watching a football game with your friends or doing anything you like to do with someone else.

But obviously that's not going to fly because sex is intimate and IS an act of love with a committed partner.

When one uses this the goal is to put you on the defensive so the focus becomes how you do in fact love her. My mom used a version of this when she didn't want to discuss something or her logic was failing. She'd start screaming about how she's a terrible person and you must hate her, then you were supposed to shift focus to how she's not terrible and you don't hate her.

This is the same tactic.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> Don’t talk to wives about sex...


Yes. Never do that. Save that conversation for women other than your wife. 

(sarcasm)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

K3itty said:


> Maybe the LD spouse doesn't know sex is an expression of their spouse's love? Or doesn't receive it well, because touch is not their love language so they don't fully appreciate the act of sex. In this case, what speaks to LD's heart? And when the efforts and connection is there, would LD be more willing to have sex for the sake of HD feeling loved? After all, sex should still feel good to LD even if it doesn't make them feel loved the way HD experiences it.


One of the big problems with sex is that it is also treated by society as somewhat of a commodity. You can go purchase it (perhaps not legally in some situations) or have it streamed on demand in the form of adult media. Most HD individuals also tend to embrace various forms of self care and self gratification (masturbation) in ways that may feel very disconnecting to the LD in the relationship (some object to the use of adult media). So when the LD becomes aware at how prevalent these things are in society and perhaps their own relationship, sex tends to be viewed more as an act of service and not so much as an act of love. Performing this act of service for the LD may very well be lacking of pleasure once it is seen in this perspective, and thus they feel used instead of loved. 

Ironically the same applies to all the other love languages. Like gifts and acts of service. For instance there is an entire industry built around flowers and they have become a commodity. Many HD partners will purchase flowers at some point (perhaps as part of a covert contract) and it is most likely that this attempt will only be seen as an act of manipulation for sex by the LD. Thus awkwardly associating gifts as something that is NOT a love language in the relationship. This is because the LD does not have enough self esteem to acknowledge that the flowers were purchased as an act of love. In the event it was done as a covert contract, well at least it was an attempt by the HD to try and learn more about the LD's love languages. Some goes for acts of service as a maid can be hired to clean the house and a cook can be hired to help prepare the family meals. 

At some point I wonder if sex needs to be acknowledged as an act of service and if the HD can help build the LD's self confidence by complimenting the LD on their ability to provide this service? At the end of the day aren't "acts of service" one of the love languages? Perhaps by validating this idea and becoming appreciated, is that the path that the LD needs in order to learn how to enjoy sex again. Or will that lend itself to a problematic give and take scenario where acts of sex become traded between spouses as an exclusive marital commodity so that each gets what they want. 

Your just using me for flowers!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Personal said:


> Whenever you are in an ongoing sexual relationship and ones partner says: "You don't love me, all you want is sex". The best answer is to simply say: "Yes."


I actually do that these days! I'll tell my wife that the only thing of hers that I want is her %$#^! I'll then look at her and claim that while there are tons of other ^%#$^s out there for me to choose from that hers actually has a brain that I can admire and respect. Without that the ^%#& is no good.



Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> Don’t talk to wives about sex...


I would disagree and agree. "Don't talk" would perhaps be best stated as "Don't ask your wife for sex." Wives (and husbands for that matter) want to be played (I though about what word to put there for quite a bit and think "played" actually works) by their spouse. They want to not know what to expect and they want some effort to be put into it. Most of all they want their spouse to be confident come time to make a move. 

But there we are again with that the notion of "confidence" being a key ingredient.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> One of the big problems with sex is that it is also treated by society as somewhat of a commodity. You can go purchase it (perhaps not legally in some situations) or have it streamed on demand in the form of adult media. Most HD individuals also tend to embrace various forms of self care and self gratification (masturbation) in ways that may feel very disconnecting to the LD in the relationship (some object to the use of adult media). So when the LD becomes aware at how prevalent these things are in society and perhaps their own relationship, sex tends to be viewed more as an act of service and not so much as an act of love. Performing this act of service for the LD may very well be lacking of pleasure once it is seen in this perspective, and thus they feel used instead of loved.
> 
> Ironically the same applies to all the other love languages. Like gifts and acts of service. For instance there is an entire industry built around flowers and they have become a commodity. Many HD partners will purchase flowers at some point (perhaps as part of a covert contract) and it is most likely that this attempt will only be seen as an act of manipulation for sex by the LD. Thus awkwardly associating gifts as something that is NOT a love language in the relationship. This is because the LD does not have enough self esteem to acknowledge that the flowers were purchased as an act of love. In the event it was done as a covert contract, well at least it was an attempt by the HD to try and learn more about the LD's love languages. Some goes for acts of service as a maid can be hired to clean the house and a cook can be hired to help prepare the family meals.
> 
> ...



That is an interesting point about it being a commodity. I don't consider myself LD because I'm good for 2-3 times a week, but I also need to feel like I'm more then a warm body. When something is reduced to a commodity that's what happens....you then have a business deal.

I can see how from a LD's perspective that if sex is something you'll simply hop on the internet for then there's nothing particularly special about them. That feeling is a huge turn off.

I don't know how you combat that. I mean, if you married them and make reasonable efforts to prioritize them that should suggest they are indeed special...but I guess intimacy is complicated.

As for the flowers, I know that while I don't require them a lot when I do get them it makes me feel special, which encourages my bonding and thus my sex drive. And flowers ARE intimate....anyone who believes otherwise should have no problem with another guy sending their girl flowers.

My best friend (female) from middle school sent me flowers on my bday as I do for her. It's something we've done for a long time. When my bf came over and saw them I swear he eyeballed them and I quickly told him that said best friend had sent them. He then relaxed and commented that they were nice.

I'm currently looking at a bouquet of roses he gave me and thinking about how much I enjoyed the sex we had this past weekend 😊


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Lots of good insight has already been shared. When this conversation happened between my wife and I, it followed very similar logic as @lifeistooshort first post.

Our conversation boiled down to; if she wanted a relationship that only revolved around love, we could divorce and co-parent. Or we could have a marriage that inlcuded love and sex, but there would be no marriage without both. My wife agreed that marriage included both and when it was stated that bluntly there was no other place to take the "you only want sex' concept.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

leftfield said:


> when it was stated that bluntly there was no other place to take the "you only want sex' concept.


Honestly, isn't it a good thing we only want sex with our spouse? Lol they act like it's a problem. Especially in this day and age, if sex was really so meaningless and just a "commodity" surely we can easily arrange sexual encounters with willing strangers and feel fine. I still stand on sex for HD means love. That's why even if we can get someone else, it doesn't scratch our itch. And also if LD spouse is not emotionally connecting during sex, it makes it a big deal for us. Again, if sex is really just an action, so what if LD seems distracted during sex, it'd still feel good physically. But because HD actually ties sex with love, bad sex hurts you in the heart.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Your just using me for flowers!


Lol precisely 

The logic when applied to the other love languages is funny because we tend not to question the intent of gifts, service, etc. But when it comes to sex, oh now the intent is questioned. "You only want sex to make yourself feel good." Our spouse needs to trust us when we say we do *___* because that's how I show my love.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I really just can’t get on board with the whole LD/HD narrative that we often hear.
I understand that the dynamic exists, and I understand that technically it’s a thing.
But beyond the fact that yes, spouses sexual desire/drive will never be identically matched, I think it’s usually ********. Most of the time, it seems to mostly be:
1. an excuse / rationalization from the “LD” spouse (usually the wife, but not always) to explain/justify their lack of attraction and desire for their spouse
2. An excuse from the “HD“ spouse (usually the husband but not always) to rationalize their spouses lack of attraction/desire for them, so they can keep their head in the sand and avoid the ego crushing reality that their spouse just isn’t sexually attracted to THEM.


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> I really just can’t get on board with the whole LD/HD narrative that we often hear.
> I understand that the dynamic exists, and I understand that technically it’s a thing.
> But beyond the fact that yes, spouses sexual desire/drive will never be identically matched, I think it’s usually ******. Most of the time, it seems to mostly be:
> 1. an excuse / rationalization from the “LD” spouse (usually the wife, but not always) to explain/justify their lack of attraction and desire for their spouse
> 2. An excuse from the “HD“ spouse (usually the husband but not always) to rationalize their spouses lack of attraction/desire for them, so they can keep their head in the sand and avoid the ego crushing reality that their spouse just isn’t sexually attracted to THEM.


That could be a thing too. People can use any excuse when they are justifying themselves.

But when both are attracted to each other AF but still have the issue of unmatched dynamic, to me, is the saddest thing in a marriage.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> I really just can’t get on board with the whole LD/HD narrative that we often hear.
> I understand that the dynamic exists, and I understand that technically it’s a thing.
> But beyond the fact that yes, spouses sexual desire/drive will never be identically matched, I think it’s usually ******. Most of the time, it seems to mostly be:
> 1. an excuse / rationalization from the “LD” spouse (usually the wife, but not always) to explain/justify their lack of attraction and desire for their spouse
> 2. An excuse from the “HD“ spouse (usually the husband but not always) to rationalize their spouses lack of attraction/desire for them, so they can keep their head in the sand and avoid the ego crushing reality that their spouse just isn’t sexually attracted to THEM.


The observations you are making are the same ones that many HD spouses use to communicate their dissatisfaction to their LD spouses. The LD spouses respond, "That's not true!", but then things usually don't change. 

I am not at the point that being LD means that you aren't turned on by your HD spouse, but I am at the point of believing that being LD means you're not turned on by anything. (But then the LD spouse has an affair, and my theory is shot to hell.)


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You don't love me, all you want is sex*!*

That's not true. 

I'd like a sandwich too.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Sfort said:


> I am not at the point that being LD means that you aren't turned on by your HD spouse, but I am at the point of believing that being LD means you're not turned on by anything.* (But then the LD spouse has an affair, and my theory is shot to hell.)*


Exactly. How often do we see these scenarios play out...
Spouse is “LD” so we were trying to work on improving things gently and gradually, with no pressure because she’s just “LD” and that’s not her fault. 
Meanwhile, it turns out she ended up falling onto a **** that wasn’t his. Turns out she wasn’t asexual after all, she just wasn’t into HIM.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> ...flowers ARE intimate....anyone who believes otherwise should have no problem with another guy sending their girl flowers.


OMG that comment put a huge smile on my face and made me laugh. So true!

However when the LD receives flowers and views them as a form of manipulation from the HD (covert contract for sex). YES that covert contract is indeed a very intimate one! 



With my marriage I'll have to use the concept of commodity exchange combined with a non-covert contract for sex and ask my wife, "Hey honey, I'm gonna pick you up some flowers from the store. How nice do you want them?" I'm sure she will get a bit confused and give me an odd stare at which point I'll let her know that I am expecting some sex in return but I am not sure about the quality of that she is willing to offer me! 

To that my wife would probably laugh and tell me that I can't afford those flowers. To that I'll brag about my expertise and prowess as a lover and insist that when those things are combined that I should be able to get away with shopping in the under-$10-category of flowers. I'll then quickly head off to the store without allowing her to give me a comeback!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not staying home next weekend. I'm too tired of fighting this battle. Just throw it away.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> OMG that comment put a huge smile on my face and made me laugh. So true!
> 
> However when the LD receives flowers and views them as a form of manipulation from the HD (covert contract for sex). YES that covert contract is indeed a very intimate one!
> 
> ...


That's hilarious!

But you're right...if flowers are somehow a commodities exchange then the quality should be on par with the quality of sex.

And if she gets her favorite flowers you should get your favorite sex!

Hard to dispute this logic 😀


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> That's hilarious!
> 
> But you're right...if flowers are somehow a commodities exchange then the quality should be on par with the quality of sex.
> 
> ...


Hahahha I love this thread. Favorite flowers leads to favorite sex. Lol


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

K3itty said:


> Lol precisely
> 
> The logic when applied to the other love languages is funny because we tend not to question the intent of gifts, service, etc. But when it comes to sex, oh now the intent is questioned. "You only want sex to make yourself feel good." Our spouse needs to trust us when we say we do *___* because that's how I show my love.


The you only want sex thing has got to be approached in a humorous manner always. 

I can't see it in a serious light although I u understand it is a real circumstance out there.

DW loves to throw that out there when she's about to say hey come get me, because she knows my answers are always include humor and a little graphic agreement. 

After last week babysitting the grands, she was right to it Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and this morning. Sat and Sun morning and afternoons all Janice Joplin, Marvin Gay,and clothing optional days.

Never take the all you want is sex statement seriously. Always be prepared to laugh, smack her on the butt and say let's just see.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

K3itty said:


> Hahahha I love this thread. Favorite flowers leads to favorite sex. Lol


As long as it is not a covert contract but an explicit one that is negotiated up front. That scenario is so ridiculous that it could probably make for an entire comedy sketch that is really a battle of wits over which partner is more self confident. If the LD really wants nice flowers, the HD could then start bargaining to get cheaper ones. If the LD claims that the HD should not attempt to buy flowers (implying rejecting), then the HD can then claim that the LD is opting for the HD to go and spend nothing by gathering free wildflowers in nature. Then the HD can agree that spending nothing to gather free wildflowers is a rather interesting proposition that should be exchanged for some rather free and wild sex. The HD can then begin speculating as to what kind of crazy wildflowers can be found.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I love flowers. But have never really had a relationship where I get them regularly. Realized over time that I can get my own flowers. It does however have an effect when you can't ahem give flowers to someone else, which is half the fun. Especially if they like the flowers a lot


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I find "you are divorcing me just for sex" equally powerful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> I love flowers. But have never really had a relationship where I get them regularly. Realized over time that I can get my own flowers. It does however have an effect when you can't ahem give flowers to someone else, which is half the fun. Especially if they like the flowers a lot


My bf has bought me flowers a handful of times in our 2 1/2 years, which I'm fine with as I don't need them often. He does seem to be doing it more...the first year I never got them, then the 2nd year I started to get them.

But you know what he does? We take a lot of walks together and he picks me wildflowers all the time and hands them to me. I love both but in some ways the little wildflower gestures are even more special to me 

Maybe I have a touch of teenage girl still in me 😁


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

K3itty said:


> Honestly, isn't it a good thing we only want sex with our spouse? Lol they act like it's a problem. Especially in this day and age, if sex was really so meaningless and just a "commodity" surely we can easily arrange sexual encounters with willing strangers and feel fine. I still stand on sex for HD means love. That's why even if we can get someone else, it doesn't scratch our itch. And also if LD spouse is not emotionally connecting during sex, it makes it a big deal for us. Again, if sex is really just an action, so what if LD seems distracted during sex, it'd still feel good physically. But because HD actually ties sex with love, bad sex hurts you in the heart.


If my spouse said something like "you only want sex", I would see that as an attempt to manipulate. The response would be "that one of the main reasons why we got married, to have monogamous safe LOVING sex with one another. We can be friends or even room mates without a sexual connection." If partner is manipulating the sex dynamic I would tell them "if you don't want sex with ME anymore, we need to part company".

I think that a partner that doesn't enjoy sex at all is really rare, so if they don't want with me, would assume they WOULD with the right partner, but I am not that person.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm coming to the conclusion that I just don't take sexual sh!t tests seriously. 

It must be that over the long haul I've been trained to certain phrases that state on thing but mean another.

And apparently it works. Because DW says one thing but acts totally differently. That I believe is her goal, to keep me interested and available to her all at the same time.

But I don't let her know I just don't think too deeply on the subject. But maybe she's trained me that way.

She almost always throws in, all right, how do you want me? 

That must be her goal in keeping things fresh and me interested because I'm not sure who's trained who.

I always stretch the boundaries so she gets what she wants, but she goads me, so I'm always trying to exceed the last time, which keeps me thinking about her all the time, so maybe that's her goal.

So really, I'm just her sexual toy, but she makes me think it's my idea.

I'd rebel, but again, she has me over a barrel because I never say no, so we connect all the time. 

Oh well, I'm here to serve 👍👍.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"ALL YOU WANT IS SEX" is a typical comment some poor husband is thrown when he has not gotten laid in over a month!

Yeah, if he never gets ANY sex, all he is going to think about, every hour, is getting laid! 
It is so sad that the LD partner can say something like this with no remorse or compassion at all!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> If my spouse said something like "you only want sex", I would see that as an attempt to manipulate.


THAT! 

OMG, that makes the perfect comeback to that statement from the HD, "You are just using me to get flowers!" 

But there is one big caveat to using that line, the HD better have a history of delivering some freaking flowers in order to use that line. Otherwise the LD can compare the number of times flowers were given to the number of time sex occurred and the LD will win the argument! 

I'm liking the notion of this thread that walking out in nature to grab some free wild flowers should equate to getting some free wild sex! 



Badsanta


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I think my ex and I had been living together for about a year when she said something about probably feeling weird having sex after she'd had kids. I said something to the effect that I planned on having sex and I hoped it would be with her.

My ex never said that all I wanted was sex but my comeback would have probably just been a gesture to the house, cars, and meals that I was providing. I love my parents and my brother but I never bought them a car or house and I've only rarely cooked them a meal (or did their laundry or yard work or whatever).

When my ex was done having sex with me she didn't deflect with accusations or justifications. She didn't have that much tact. She told me that was why God gave me a right hand.


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## Paul_K (May 19, 2021)

I am so new to this that I am not even sure where to begin. I apologies if I misunderstood the guidelines for this forum. I have been married to an amazing woman for 25 years. She was my high school sweetheart, we went separate ways after HS and reunited in 1996. This topic only hits a partial nerve, "all you want is sex." Our intimacy has been a HUGE challenge for the last 11 years. She was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that has impacted her body greatly. To the point that when intercourse does happen it can be very painful for her and take multiple days to weeks to recover. We have tried all kinds of moisture aids. I have a tremendously high sex drive and hate that I do. She is perfectly fine going days, weeks, months without any intimacy at all. There is also a skeleton in her closet that has never been dealt with that I believe doesn't help us at all. She was molested by her grandfather when she was a teenager and had her entire family turn against her, well those that knew about what happened. I truly believe that this has left a very deep impact on her to the point of PTSD that impacts her truly opening up to me from an intimacy perspective. I have and continue to show her how much she means to me from a spouse, to a friend, to a partner in this adventure we are in. I have even asked out family doctor for medications, suggestions, or help in curtailing me sex drive. I would love to not have desire or longing or the pressure of it all. I just want to be with her but just don't know what to do and I really don't want this to come in between us any more than it has. I would be lying if I said that there are not times that "all I want is sex." There are so many times that's more than just about sex, it's all of it, they intimacy, the closeness, her beautiful body, curves, the way she looks at me, and a deep desire to satisfy her. I just hate that sex is such an issue in our marriage.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Paul_K said:


> I am so new to this that I am not even sure where to begin.


Paul, several things. First, welcome to the forum. Second, you should probably start a new thread if you want some help with your issues. Consider copying and pasting this post in the Sex in Marriage subforum. Third, when you paste it, break the text into a number of paragraphs to make it easier to read. Fourth, it's generally not a good idea to use your actual picture in your profile. The board prides itself on anonymity. It's better for you and for us. 

You should get some good input, but your thread will not attract as much attention here. Again, welcome.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Paul_K said:


> I am so new to this that I am not even sure where to begin. I apologies if I misunderstood the guidelines for this forum. I have been married to an amazing woman for 25 years. She was my high school sweetheart, we went separate ways after HS and reunited in 1996. This topic only hits a partial nerve, "all you want is sex."


Greetings @Paul_K and welcome to TAM. Generally people start their own threads to discuss things, but I actually started this thread to help others and explore I topic that I sometimes struggle a little with myself from time to time. So if you want feel free to continue discussing yourself here in this thread if you like. I don't mind that at all. 

So switching gears a bit here as you have an issue with trauma and medical concerns that make intimacy painful both emotionally and physically for your wife. I am no expert when it comes to trauma, but the fact that she likely got up the courage to talk about that with you means that you definitely have a brave wife that is worth fighting for her to make the most of your marriage. From what I understand when someone goes through trauma the impact of that is something that end up being fully shared with a spouse indirectly (by problems with intimacy) regardless of if it is talked about or not. Talking about those things and being aware I think is the most important step in recovering and at some point your wife needs to find the strength to forgive and let go of what happened (likely would need therapy for that part as forgiving someone is not about condoning what happened, but more about a personal path forwards for yourself). 

Regarding medical issues, I have experience with that as my wife struggled in the past with some issues that would make intimacy painful. What is important for this area is to be sure she goes to the doctor and talks about that and that she does not ignore it and use it as an excuse to not embrace intimacy in the marriage. It is important for you to acknowledge that it is hard to feel good if you don't feel good as that is her struggle. When my wife went to the doctor, all her problems were something that could be solved and they were addressed. Doing so is something my wife often reflects on as one of the best things that happened. Some of her female friends have similar issues and she struggles watching them choosing to try and hope these problems go away on their own without much medical intervention. So do encourage her to go to a doctor (regarding sex being painful) and make sure she has the confidence to talk about that and your full support to help with any advice given to her by the doctor. 

Now onto another point. If you have been pressuring your wife to have sex when you both know it is going to be painful for her, doing so just serves to add to the trauma. Even if she is able to get help from the doctor, you are going to have a lot of work to do towards undoing that trauma and getting things back into a good place. For one thing I commend your wife for being willing to try and make you happy by subjecting herself to something that she knows is likely going to cause her pain. In the meantime you should practice outercourse and other forms of sexual play that do not involve penetration. If anything go out of your way to make yourself easy to please in that manner and try to compliment her for any of her efforts when that happens. There is a lot more to sex than "penis in vagina" and odds are your wife very well knows how to pleasure herself in ways that do not cause any discomfort. Some women can climax on breast stimulation alone, but that is likely challenging without also having a sex-positive attitude in the bedroom. 

Encourage her to go to the doctor. Be positive and be as supportive as you possibly are able! It is important that you don't frame this as if something about her is broken, but that everyone needs to go to the doctor as part of embracing their own self care and long term health (in the event she avoids it). 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Paul_K (May 19, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Paul, several things. First, welcome to the forum. Second, you should probably start a new thread if you want some help with your issues. Consider copying and pasting this post in the Sex in Marriage subforum. Third, when you paste it, break the text into a number of paragraphs to make it easier to read. Fourth, it's generally not a good idea to use your actual picture in your profile. The board prides itself on anonymity. It's better for you and for us.
> 
> You should get some good input, but your thread will not attract as much attention here. Again, welcome.


Thank you for the guidance an advice!


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## Paul_K (May 19, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Greetings @Paul_K and welcome to TAM. Generally people start their own threads to discuss things, but I actually started this thread to help others and explore I topic that I sometimes struggle a little with myself from time to time. So if you want feel free to continue discussing yourself here in this thread if you like. I don't mind that at all.
> 
> So switching gears a bit here as you have an issue with trauma and medical concerns that make intimacy painful both emotionally and physically for your wife. I am no expert when it comes to trauma, but the fact that she likely got up the courage to talk about that with you means that you definitely have a brave wife that is worth fighting for her to make the most of your marriage. From what I understand when someone goes through trauma the impact of that is something that end up being fully shared with a spouse indirectly (by problems with intimacy) regardless of if it is talked about or not. Talking about those things and being aware I think is the most important step in recovering and at some point your wife needs to find the strength to forgive and let go of what happened (likely would need therapy for that part as forgiving someone is not about condoning what happened, but more about a personal path forwards for yourself).
> 
> ...


Thank you so very much and yes reading your thread has opened my eyes and mind. I didn’t even know where to begin.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Paul_K said:


> Thank you so very much and yes reading your thread has opened my eyes and mind. I didn’t even know where to begin.


Talking about things helps. Sometimes on this forum as I reply or talk about things it allows me to better structure and understand my own point of view on something. Once I am at that point I can begin to appreciate other points of view by comparing. 

Of course it helps that I know that I am always absolutely right about everything in my own mind. I then use that self confidence (no matter how horribly misguided it may be) to work on improving things! 



Badsanta


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