# CWI - a strategy



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Author: MEM
Editor: Marduk

If you are reading this it's because the most important person in the world - betrayed you. Sorry you're here. The good news is that you are the product of thousands of generations of clever, resourceful, tough ancestors who navigated flood, famine and ice age and consequently much stronger than you realize. You might love and want your partner, but you don't need them. Accept that and allow it to inform your actions to maximize your outcome. Conversely, choose to believe and act as if you need your spouse, and bring your worst fears to fruition. Love is your friend, need and neediness are your enemy. 

From the point of discovery forward you ought to focus on regaining your emotional equilibrium. It's hard to do because you naturally feel disoriented. Your primary human anchor just pulled up. Pick a trusted friend with a balanced view of your marriage and talk to them. Exercise is critical. Sleep may be tough. Catch up on weekends if possible. Try to prioritize this stuff until you've gotten through the worst of the disorientation. Avoid alcohol, drugs and opposite sex entanglements.

With that as prelude, the guidelines below are intended to help you navigate the Rapids:
- Assess the overall marriage
- Confirm that your spouse feels the same way
- Execute either an ALL IN reconciliation or the cleanest possible extraction from the marriage

I'm going to write this gender neutral - with one exception. Physical intimidation is not only maritally toxic - it may come back to bite you hard in family court. Pretend your spouse is recording, nay videotaping every conversation. 

Assessment: The goal is to search your soul and/or your gut to decide whether you think the marriage worth saving. Might help you to ask yourself some tough questions. Thing is, most folks feel some amount of love when they marry. And love is a beautiful thing. But for the long game, and marriage is the ultimate long game - compatibility rules. Love sans compatibility is the worst pairing of all. Virtually guarantees unhappiness. No oath, no vow will stop an unhappy person from cheating - either via a continuation of the affair or a brand new one. So roll back to just before you 'think' the affair started and answer the following queries. 

1. From that vantage if you could choose all over again, would you marry this person? 
2. How would your partner answer that question had they been asked it pre-affair?
3. Do/did you love each other?
4. Are you compatible? 
5. How much did my spouse accept and/or seek my company?
6. My non sexual touch
7. Sex 
8. Overall did they do a good job of making me feel loved/important?
9. Did I do a good job of making them feel loved/important?
10. Was your partner overall trustworthy, reliable and focused on you? 11. Or did they have a wandering eye, a flirtatious posture towards others. 
12. Did they let you marry them, or want to marry you? 
13. Do they feel sick about betraying you?
14. Or only sick they have been caught?
15. Or only sick at the prospect of being exposed to friends/family?
16. Or only sick at the thought of having to end the affair? 
17. Have they cheated on prior partners? 

After answering those questions you ought to have a good feel about recon or divorce. 

If you want to reconcile, it is time to discover what your partner wants. 
1. Do they want to stay married/try and reconcile?
2. Why did they cheat? 
3. What are they willing to DO to rebuild trust and heal?
4. Write a no contact letter?
5. Make a no contact call in your presence?
6. End the affair without one last get together for closure?
7. Provide transparency via phones and passwords etc?
8. Resume (if the affair interrupted it) a normal sex life with you?
9. Provide you with whatever details you want including a timeline of the affair?
10. Transfer departments or change employers entirely if their AP is from work? 
11. Take a test for STDs
12. Take a pregnancy test

Regarding (2), listen carefully. Might learn stuff ends up improving your marriage. The responses to (2) range from: we had a good marriage and I behaved selfishly and that is entirely on me. To you are the worst spouse since Henry the eighth and that is the ONLY reason I cheated. What they say might however, have real merit. For instance: you stopped sleeping with me years ago, or you consistently rejected my requests to spend time together. If you were the primary cause of a weak marriage, you need to decide if you can fix it. And you should acknowledge that and commit to fixing it. 

Confirmation: This phase is mostly about observable behavior. Words and in this case vows - are cheap. Actions WILL confirm or contradict your assessment. Is their primary emotion remorse or resentment. The stuff they committed to doing up above - are they doing it without pressure. Or is it you dragging them along. Considerate and kind about your heightened anxiety level? Or accusing you of being controlling? 

Execution: If you've both decided to try to recon, it's critical to accept the following: 
1. The more needy you seem, the less lovable you will be. This is every bit as unfair as it is true. 
2. People use the following phrase all the time: I was crying and begging them to stay
3. Crying is ok. It's about the loss of something you prized. It shows love.
4. Begging may be the single most toxic thing a betrayed spouse typically does. Crying means: You love them and are sad at the thought of losing them. Begging means you don't love yourself very much. 
5. If their affair partner is married or living with someone, you ought to contact that person and let them know what's been happening. There are several benefits to that, the best one is this. If your spouse has truly committed to NC, won't be a big deal. If they are still prioritizing their AP, you will get an angry reaction. 
6. If their AP is a coworker they frequently interact with, that's an inherently difficult situation. The focus should be on their prioritizing a transfer/company change.
7. Your perception of time is now different. Before Dday - you likely weren't nearly as impacted if they were running a bit late and didn't call. When it happens after Dday, you feel a lot more anxious. Thing is, if you call or text them every time they are officially one minute late, they will love you less. Doesn't mean you ought to be a doormat. If they are routinely way late without a call - that is a very bad sign. At minimum it means they are comfortable knowingly causing you intense distress.
8. Sex is a great litmus test for whether the recon is genuine. A WS who, upon discovery abandons, or continues to abandon the marital bed, is likely insincere.
9. Some folks advocate a zero tolerance shock and awe approach to demanding they stop the affair. This is a: choose right now one way or the other approach. 
10. Others are willing to compete with the AP over a period of time when faced with a WS who openly refuses to stop the affair. This is more likely a good strategy if you believe your pre-affair conduct was a significant contributor to the affair and want your spouse to see the 'new and improved' you before insisting they choose. And in some cases, this approach results in their choosing to end it of their own free will. Most folks find this competition period intensely stressful. If your partner is either selfish or has weak character, they will string this out as long as you allow. And will constantly move the goal posts for what you must do to win them back. This path MUST have a bright line end date. 
11. There are many paths to successful recon. However, a partner who continues a sexual relationship with their AP, while refusing to sleep with you, rarely reconciles. They tend to totally lose respect for you for tolerating it. 
12. Last but not least. You may be tempted to employ some extreme tactics in an effort to recon. These include your use of third parties either to advise of shame your partner. See examples below. 

Option 1: Attempting to cripple your partner so they CAN'T leave. If you go this route, eventually everyone you know will know that - you've turned into a psychopath - including your children and the family court judge. Good luck with that. 

BS: I just called the last of our friends and family and sent an email out to them as well. I told them what you did to me and the children. And asked them to contact you and tell you how wrong it is to destroy our family for a few cheap fvcks. I also contacted your employer and made a big fuss. I think they're going to fire you. And when I spoke to your AP's spouse, they told me they are going to try and work it out with your AP. And I also called the minister at our church. So go ahead and divorce me. Just know that you have no friends, your family is on my side, you will shortly be unemployed, you are unwelcome at our church and your AP is likely going to dump you. One last thing, I told the kids too. They were spitting mad. 

Option 2: AKA - the voice of reason approach
BS: Picks one person who knows and loves their WS. Swears that person to secrecy and asks them to reach out to the WS and try and support them through the fog. The message to the friend is short and practical. I believe we had a good marriage and can recover. WS is lost in the fog. If you believe WS will end up regretting a divorce, maybe you can support me in helping them navigate out of the fog. 

Obviously there are many points on the spectrum between option 1 and option 2. A small modification to option 2 is to disclose to the partner of your spouse's AP. That person is in the same boat you are. That's actually a very effective step.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Brilliant post, MEM.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Thanks for your patient and insightful feedback Marduk.



marduk said:


> Brilliant post, MEM.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

really good! But that's just the beginning. There are trust issues, grieving, forgiveness, healing - all more difficult to do, in my opinion, than putting a stop to the affair. This is a years long process.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Make it a sticky!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Vulcan2013 said:


> Make it a sticky!


:iagree:

I hope this will become a sticky. With lots of "thoughtful" additions from seasoned TAMers... and NOT turn into a debate over the "correct" (and only) way of coping with infidelity.

There are many of us here who have thoughtful insight and words of wisdom to offer, but we get SHUT DOWN because our path didn't "follow" the party line advice.

Kudos to @MEM11363 for starting this thread...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Steph,
Yes. This was intended as an approach to the 'acute damage' caused by an affair. There is definitely also a need for a longer term strategy to rebuild the marriage. 

The idea was to provide a blueprint for assessing, confirming and then executing a plan to stop the marriage from 'bleeding out'. 




stephscarlett said:


> really good! But that's just the beginning. There are trust issues, grieving, forgiveness, healing - all more difficult to do, in my opinion, than putting a stop to the affair. This is a years long process.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Happy,

I tried very hard to adopt a neutral tone. Because I believe that is helpful. I mostly succeeded. 

But let's be honest - in bracketing the exposure options - I wasn't able to remain neutral. My language is very judgemental in reference to the: Total War - exposure strategy. I believe I referred to it as crippling your partner so they don't feel they even have the option of leaving. 

I will revisit that theme with a separate post later in the thread. In short I believe there are two completely different motives for exposure. 
1. Trying to get trusted advisors to weigh in with the WS. The goal being to have those folks helpfully offset the fog. 
2. Trying to shame and terrorize your WS, by telling everyone.







happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I hope this will become a sticky. With lots of "thoughtful" additions from seasoned TAMers... and NOT turn into a debate over the "correct" (and only) way of coping with infidelity.
> 
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Happy,
> 
> I tried very hard to adopt a neutral tone. Because I believe that is helpful. I mostly succeeded.
> 
> ...


It's all good, MEM... Insomuch as possible, given the subject matter .


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Or you could just Hulk out and SMASH!!!!

Not really kidding but good and thoughtful work guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Very good. I too vote for this to be a sticky.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*CWI - a strategy - exposure*

Exposure

Exposure is a difficult topic because it is hard to differentiate between sincere attempts to save the marriage and vengeance. Angry people are masters of rationalization. For example: If I don't expose, they won't end the affair. If they don't end the affair, we WILL get divorced. If we get divorced EVERYONE will find out anyway. The last bit is only true if you MAKE it true. Many divorcing couples limit the truth to a very small circle of close friends and/or family. They cite irreconcilable differences in court papers and with everyone else. Exposure is not a given, its not inevitable, it's a choice. 

If your pre affair marriage was good, limited exposure will help you BECAUSE: your WS's trusted advisors will support the recon. If the marriage was bad, or if you have poor relationships with your WS's close friends and family, exposure will hurt you because your WS's trusted advisors will point to the affair as proof the marriage was broken. They will blame you for the affair. They WILL take the WS's side. 

I rank each exposure option on two dimensions. (1) Likelihood of producing a positive impact on the situation by encouraging the WS to end the affair and/or actively embrace a recon. (2) Risk of doing substantive harm to the WS financial situation or social reputation and/or their opinion of you. This is a viewpoint driven by cost/benefit, not right and wrong. 

Let's separately consider exposure categories:
social (all friends including close and casual) and 
family 
work

Exposure to friends: You need someone to talk to - for yourself. And that's ok. The focus here is on determining if a very short list of your WS's close friends might help you save the marriage. 

In terms of your combined social group, let's break everyone you know into 3 groups. 
1. Close to you, but also know your WS
2. Close to your WS, but also know you
3. Close to both of you

If your marriage was in good shape pre affair, then limited exposure may help you. The approach which has the most favorable benefit/cost ratio is as follows:
Expose to the shortlist of people from group (3) who your WS trusts, respects and is most likely to listen to. These also need to be folks you trust not to gossip. They knew the pre affair state of the marriage and have the best shot at penetrating the fog to help you save it. 
Positive impact: medium
Risk: low

If it wasn't in good shape and your WS's friends knew that, exposure will most likely hurt you. 

Exposure to family
If your marriage was in good shape pre affair, then very limited familial exposure MAY help you. Do NOT confuse familial exposure with social exposure. Within some families, once ANYONE knows, EVERYONE knows. That mindset is not always based on kindness or decency. It is very risky to go this route. Whether parents, siblings, aunts or uncles, family members may have scores to settle. If that's the case, exposure of this sort will produce humiliation and fury, not reasoned discussion. If there is a discreet trusted advisor in the family - that person could help you. Otherwise think long and hard before opening Pandora's box. 

The approach with the most favorable benefit/cost ratio is exposure to the one or two family member your WS is most likely to listen to. 
Positive impact: medium to high
Risk: high

Work Exposure
TALK TO A LAWYER before doing anything related to the WS job. Getting or even trying to get your WS fired may leave you terribly positioned in family court. It could be used to show that your highest priority is mutually assured destruction, even at the expense of your children's financial stability. This category of exposure is by far the riskiest - to everyone - including you. 

Since the actual scenario regarding work exposure can have so much impact on 'what makes sense', we consider 4 distinct cases, defined by affair partner type/relationship to the WS. 
1. Someone who has nothing to do with their job
2. Their boss at work
3. A colleague (equal rank) at work 
4. Their direct subordinate at work

Case (1)
It isn't possible to justify contacting an employer when the AP is unrelated to work. 
Positive impact: low
Risk: very high (the WS and courts will perceive this as pure vindictiveness)

Case (2)
The boss has likely violated company policy, and possibly the law depending on whether any coercion was employed. The threat of exposure might be superior to the exposure itself. To avoid it, the boss might be willing to quickly arrange a transfer. That said, if company policy is firm and enforced and you have definitive proof, you might be able to get your romantic rival fired. Even so this is a risky move. Your WS may end up as collateral damage. Even with legal counsel - threats of exposure are risky. Handle this badly and go to jail for extortion/blackmail. 
Positive impact: medium (may kill the affair and/or end their daily contact)
Risk: high

Case (3)
Might or might not be a violation of company policy. 
Positive impact: low (if not a violation of company policy - the company will likely stay out of it)
Risk: high

Case (4) - To quote Willy Wonka: No!!! .... Don't!!! .... Stop!!!
If the WS is the boss, this is hands down the most aggressive move you can make. Because in this case, your spouse is the one violating company policy and likely to be immediately fired for cause. This move GETS THEM FIRED. 
Positive impact: low
Risk: You just broke the needle on the riskometer (yes I invented that word)


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The only thing I'd add MEM (sorry I never mentioned it to you before) is that I think limited exposure to key friends or family members is the way to go whether you reconcile or not.

One of the first casualties of an affair is the truth, and that way there's always a touchstone of reality no matter how much someone re-writes history.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

marduk said:


> The only thing I'd add MEM (sorry I never mentioned it to you before) is that I think limited exposure to key friends or family members is the way to go whether you reconcile or not.
> 
> One of the first casualties of an affair is the truth, and that way there's always a touchstone of reality no matter how much someone re-writes history.


Marduk, I could not agree more. I was not betrayed but my ex spread false info and did damage. I shared info with her sister and close friends. Her sister listened and I think saw ****** in her claims, the friends initially ignored me. Over time the truth came out about her actions. So for me it saved my self respect. Part vengeance yes, but I wanted the truth out their even if people did not want to accept it initially. 

MEM is right though, if the marriage was strained then the cheating spouse probably already started the bad mouthing over time so the betrayed is already viewed unfavorably. So when exposing it's good to have that in mine and even use it as an advantage. I know I did and it's why my ex one friend listened.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Thank you both for taking the time for writing and editing this invaluable post. You may have saved a marriage or possibly someone's sanity. :x
VH


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