# What would you do???



## roddie123 (Mar 17, 2011)

I don't know what to do here. 

After being single for almostg 20 years I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know very well. We lived at the time in the same area and I met him online. I met him once for coffee. He seemed very nice, I was very lonely, however I told him I was probably going to be moving out of state so I wasn't interested in a relationship. He seemed to understand however he called me often. This went on for about 3 months. We didn't go out, he would just call me about once a week. I was unemployed at the time, and had been for 18 months. I had moved cross country to take a better job only to be laid off. My life was going nowhere, I knew no one, had no friends, and didn't have enough money to move back to where I was from. I was in a really bad, vulnerable place in my life. I finally found a job in another state so I moved there. This man continued to call me every week. He started asking me if he could come and visit me and I put him off for a couple of months, but finally told him he could visit me (again, very lonely), but he would need to stay in a hotel. He agreed to this so he started flying to visit me every weekend. He insisted he wanted to see me each weekend. He stayed in the hotel for about a month, then I agreed he could stay with me. This man was very nice to me, wined and dined more than anyone ever had. There was not physical attraction on my part and I was having a hard time with that. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him as "the diamond in the rough" kind of guy. You must know I've only been in love once in my life (I'm 61), so for me I protect myself.

This scenario went on for about four months, then he (he is 65) asked me to marry him. He wanted me to move back to his state because he couldn't move to where I was living because he had his own business at that time and couldn't move. I told him that if I moved back to his state I wouldn't work anylonger as I felt I couldn't buy a job in his state, and given the bad experiences I had had there I wasn't going to work there. He said that he made plenty of money, so I wouldn't need to work. I also told him that I hated his state and if I did marry him then when he retired I would want to move out of state, and he said that this was fine. I also told him that I had used up all of my money and I was literally broke, and I had filed for bankrupcty, and I just wanted him to know this.
He said that he didn't care about any of this, that his money would be our money.

So, I took a leap of faith and we were married, he paid for my move back to his state. I had furniture, household stuff, my car, etc., etc.

Keep in mind I didn't know my husband very well. We were with each other only on the weekends. BIG MISTAKE.

I get moved back to his state; he is very loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, and giving.

His place was very crowded...he lived in a very small one bedroom with an office condo, and had I known how small it was I wouldn't have married him without some other kind of arrangement made as to living conditions. He described the place as a roomy nice place..

After about a month he told me I need to sell my stuff, including my car, and my computer that was not very old. He said my stuff was older than his stuff, so it would make more sense to sell my stuff. I was still making a car payment and he wanted to get out from under the car payment. I got a twinge of a bad feeling in my stomach over the thought that I would be selling everything I had and he wasn't losing anything. But, thinking that I was now married and we were trying to make a life together I squashed the bad feeling. We sold "all" of my things, including my car and my almost new computer. He had two laptops, so he thought we 
didn't need my almost new computer.

From the day we married my husband wanted sex every single morning and more if I agreed. I thought this odd coming from "an older man," but squashed that because I figured that we were newly married, so this shall pass. For me I'm comfortable with sexual activity about twice a week, anything more is too much for me. I only like sex in the morning once in a while.

After about three months of being married I started noticing my husband was drinking much more than I had thought. In the past he would have a drink before dinner, and possibly one after dinner but that was it, and I was ok with that. I noticed my husband drinking more, and more, and more. I started keeping track of how much and what he was drinking. I realized he was drinking three straight vodkas when he came home from work around 4:00pm. He would then drink a glass of wine at dinner, then after dinner he would drink one scotch and water, a beer,
two straight whiskeys, and before we went to bed he would drink two more scotch and water. This is ten drinks a day! I about died!!!!! He didn't act drunk at all. I couldn't believe this.

I watched this behavior for a long long time, and was realizing that he must have been drinking like this most of his life and this really bothered me a lot. I have a very bad past with alcholism in my family, and I want nothing to do with alcholics!!! This became a very big issue with me. I chose at that time not to say anything to him about this behavior as it so far hadn't affected our relationship.

About six months into the marriage we had our first fight and I can't say now what it was about, probably something silly, but what came out of that fight was a behavior I didn't like and it changed my attitude towards him. He, that night did act drunk, and were were yelling/screaming at each other. I told him I didn't like sex every single day, and he told me that "if I didn't give him sex "whenever" he wanted it, he'd make my lif miserable." I was astounded by this remark, and it really soured me on him.

Since that time I've realized that my husband is a sex addict. If I don't give into him every single morning, he becomes very angry, he pouts all day, is rude to me, basically he acts like an a__hole!
We've had many many fights over this issue and he won't chang his belief. I'm his wife and it is my obligation to give him sex whenever he wants it and if I don't, then he will be mean to me.

My husband is also an alcholic to the max. He drinks sooooo much, every single day. He doesn't think he has a problem as he is a functional drinker. We go to church each week and are very active in church, yet no one knows of these issues. I've threatened to go to our minister with these issues and he has told me that I would regret that.

I don't love my husband, and now I realize I never did.

I still have no money. I don't know what to do. I don't think I could make enough money here to support myself.

I don't have any family that can give me any support, be it financially, or otherwise.

If I did go get an attorney, there is problems with that. In this state we must be seperated for one year before a divorce is fild.

If I went and filed for seperation....I would have to use his credit card to pay for it, and then one of us must leave the home. 

Knowing my husband, JUST AS SOON AS HE WAS SERVED HE'D TAKE OFF AND TAKE ALL OF THE MONEY OUT OF ALL ACOUNTS AND I'D BE LEFT HIGH AND DRY.

The only other idea I had was to basically when he wasn't home, I'd have to pack my clothes in one suitcase, and go get money out of the bank, and fly out of here. Maybe I could find a freind to go and stay with out of state...but that is not a sure thing.

So............I've stayed for seven years for financial reasons.

About a year after we married we purchased a new home. We furnished this new home, so I was happy about that. Since that time I've accumulated "stuff".

My husband was forced into early retirement due to his business failing (I think the failure was his fault). His credit was ruined to say the least. We went into foreclosure on our home and at that time we had two vehicles, so my husband sold one (without talking to me about this), so we are now down to one vehicle.

We moved to another state, a state where my husband was born and raised. 

We live in a three bedroom apartment, renting a storage facility because we did move everything with us.

My husband is a very controlling, manipulative man. We are in a large power struggle in our marriage and have been most of the marriage. He wants to control me in every way and I fight this constantly.

My husband "still" is very generous, kind, loving, thoughtful. However the "other" side of him is ugly.

He thinks I've bankrupted him. I have not. We view money very differently. I believe in budgets.....he said he would never live on a budget!! And this is not to be discussed!! End of story!! He doesn't know how to handle money at all. He is now on social security and inheritance. We don't have much money at all. He spends a lot of money on booze, and now if I spend one dime, he goes balistic!!! Where did the "I will take care of you, and my money is "our" money go?????

We don't have the same goals, desires, needs. We don't want the same lifestyle.

My husband wants to live in a one bedroom condo somewhere, live in a very minimalistic home, with no television, and just sit around, reading books and having sex and drinking all of the time.

I want to live in a Victorian home, with a large yard, with antiques, or a farm house with animals. I am a quilter, and I'm an avid gardener...these are my passions. I want to entertain a lot, have lots of friends. My husband wants none of this.

He wants me to sell all of our belongings....again for me......and move to a smaller place.

One of my fears is that if I stay with him then I am stuck right here in this apartment and will never get out!! Most of my single 20 years were spent living in a very large city living in apartments, which I hate and it is very depressing to me to live like that. 

I've thought several times that maybe I need to just hang in there in this marriage until we've been married 10 years. At least that way I would get his social security.

Also, I hate the thought that if I did leave him I'd most likely need to leave with just the clothes on my back, so that being the case,

maybe I should sell everything we had pretty much (my husband would be very happy), then when I did leave at least I could take some of that money with me.

I don't know. I've really got myself into a pickle.

My husband knows he has me trapped, I'm sure of that.

When I moved to the state where my husband and I met I didn't have much money to begin with. I moved there, for a promotion, only to be laid off several months later. My old job was no longer available, and I didn't have the money to move all of my stuff across country.

I wound up on unemployment for 18 months, depleting all of my savings, and wound up using credit cards to pay for groceries, etc, etc., as my unemployment checks didn't cover all of my debt, so I had to eventually file bankrupcty. I had AAA credit up to that time.

While single, I had AAA credit. I didn't have much money, but I had good credit. I lived by a very "strict" budget, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to support myself.

When I moved for this promotion my life changed 100 percent. I didn't have any money. When I moved to another state for this job I finally got, I had to borrow the money to move.

My husband and I view money entirely differently and it has caused many problems with us. 

Roddie again...my husband is out, so I'm trying to type as fast as I can, and obviously I'm forgetting things.

My husband before we were married I found out later, has a history with women. He's been married twice, he left his first wife for another woman that he met online. She lived out of state, he moved her to his state, then left his wife of 35 years. He said she wouldn't give him sex.

He then left this woman for another woman he met online, and he married her. 

Had I known any of this before we married I wouldn't have married him. He has a MO.

Several months back I got on his computer and found that he is browsing internet dating sites. I dont' care, but I think he is trying to meet someone, then he will dump me.

He won't be the one to end this marriage unless he meets someone. He doesn't want to give me any money at all. I think he too feels trapped. He has to have a woman around because of his sex addiction.


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## roddie123 (Mar 17, 2011)

All I know is what he has told me.

I have a girlfriend in Oregon who today has offered up her home to me. 

This is sooo hard, especially at my age, and because I don't have any money of my own, and with the economy being what it is, me not working for seven years, and no car of my own.

This is why sometimes I just stay stuck in the situation.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You need to call Legal Aid pronto. This is a group of lawyers and paralegals who work pro bono to help people exactly like you. There is one chapter in just about every city in America. Call 411 and ask them for the number in your area for The Legal Aid Society. I guarantee you, there is one where you live.
Not only can these people help you get out of your situation, their resources are wide and deep. Housing, job opportunities, healthcare benefits, etc. 
Call them asap.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I have a beloved aunt who is trapped in her second loveless marriage. Her first husband was great, except that he loved to chase women and had a baby outside of the marriage.

Her second husband is also a cheater, cruel and controlling. He has a lot of money and my aunt can no longer work, due to an injury. She copes by taking vacations with her daughter, which her husband pays for.

She's 55 and a staunch Christian. When I ask dearest auntie why she stays, she says "I can't have two failed marriages and I'm too old to start again. I also have no money."

The other day, she fainted from stress. 

Mother, your happiness has no price. I know that you have no money right now, but you have a place to go to...your friend's house. You don't deserve to suffer. 

This man is an addict, which is part of the reason he is manipulative and given to blame shifting. He is abusive and seeks out vulnerable women, like a predator. We have all met such lowlifes when we felt lonely, so don't feel bad. Just run.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this but a couple of things:

What you described is not alcoholism. It's a binge drinker. There is a distinction.

You married him for financial reasons only...no love involved. Could some resentment be creeping in on his end? Not condoning it at all. His behaviour is foul. 

Is there anyway you can get a low intesity part time job to offset the costs of a divorce?


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## roddie123 (Mar 17, 2011)

I wanted to clarify something here.

I did not marry this man for financial reasons. At the time I married him I sincerely thought I was in love with him.

I no longer love him.

After about three months of marriage and he told me that I would give him sex "WHENEVER" he wanted it, and if I did not, he would make my life "a living hell," I fell out of love really fast.

I haven't been able to get that feeling back since.

I don't know what a binge drinker is? I thought binge drinking was when someone dosesn't drink very often, but when they do they go all out and go waaaay overboard and get totally soused.

My husband doesn't do this. He drinks from 9-11 alcholic beverages a day, every single day of the year. He NEVER appears drunk. The only time I'v been given a tiny clue that he "may be drunk," is rarely he will become very emotional while he is drinking.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

My husband is in AA, you might want to do some research on alcoholics. I think alot of people think that to be considered a alcoholic, they have to be a falling down drunk, or come stumbling in from the bar at 2am. Thats not true. There are lots of people who actually are what you call functioning alcoholics, but just because they can hold a job or not appear drunk doesn't mean they don't have a problem. And if he is drinking 9-11 alcoholic drinks a day every day, then yes he has a real problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear you find yourself in this position.

Can you get a job? Start saving money? Be careful if he is cruising online for dates/sex. Get tested for STDs.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP, I hope you're able to break away from this situation, you deserve better.


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