# My insecurity



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Since September when I found out about spouses affair, we have had a rocky road. However we immediately entered marriage counseling. During that time, we have worked on a lot of things and past three weeks have been pretty darn good. Since EA (she says no PA) spouse has: repeatedly told me she loves me, wrote me a letter saying I was the love of her life, quit her job just recently where coworker that she was having EA was - for betterment of relationship and because she was working too much- both straining the relationship, gradually become more willing to discuss affair to the point we can talk about it with emotions not getting out of control, tried to reassure me that I am the one she wants by telling me how much she loves me and accepting my overtures of affection to her. Opened up the phone bill so I can see all numbers texted and called. Been accountable on whereabouts at all times. Despite all of these I am still a wreck- I keep noticing little things that make me think she is still involved - things like taking purse in bathroom to shower, taking handbag in also. A month or so ago I left for weekend - she said she went to movies with friends one night so was a period I couldn't reach her via text or phone. I freaked out! We talked afterwards (same night) and she said how much she loved and missed me. Throughout weekend she told me how much she missed me and loved me multiple times through phone conversation and texting. When I got home from trip she was talking about how much she loved me and gave me letter that I was love of her life and she would quit her job. We are going on extended vacation to reconnect soon. Despite this- I have this paranoia that SOMETHING is still going on. HELP- its been 4 months since EA. If she is doing something- WHEN AND WHERE ARE THEY DOING IT?? AT WORK?? She makes a point to call me over lunch almost everyday from her work and shows that number. When I call her at work she almost always answers so I know she is there. We are going on extended vacation to reconnect soon- she wants to do that. Also, calls when working late (one time per week) from same work number so I know she is there. Either she is biggest psycho or I am becoming biggest paranoid psycho ever. Any thoughts please help me.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's only been 4 months so the wounds are still fresh. It's perfectly normal to be the way you are right now. All I can say is, if she's fully committed to reconciliation and doesn't show any signs of deception, it's best to give her the benefit of the doubt for both of your sakes. By all measures she doing much better than alot of cheating spouses have done around here.

I'm sure FourtyPlus can give you pointers on how you can deal with this problem.


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## asylumspadez (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife went outside of your marriage and had an EA with someone and it was very recent too, I think its understandable for you to feel this way. Also after I read your story, I feel that there is a good chance that she is having a PA or she is continuing her EA.

Why I do I think this? Its because she carries her phone with her at all times. Honestly, Who carries their phone into the bathroom with them? I would love to know this. Her over protectiveness of her phone shows that she has something to hide on it - Making it a high possibility that she is still in contact with him.

Also she isnt doing enough on her part to put your mind at ease. Occassionaly calling from work and tell you that she loves you isnt enough. She needs to provide you with Facebook (or any other social networking) and Email passwords. As well as access to her phone whenever you ask. You arent punishing her enough for her actions.

Also you need to decide if she is worth giving a second chance. Chances are if she has one EA already then another EA cant be far away (even if its in months or years) and EAs almost always lead to PAs. And you have no proof that she has ended the original EA in the first place (once again - hiding her phone is proof that she is hiding something). Seems like a woman not worth being with imo.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Complexity said:


> It's only been 4 months so the wounds are still fresh. It's perfectly normal to be the way you are right now. All I can say is, if she's fully committed to reconciliation and doesn't show any signs of deception, it's best to give her the benefit of the doubt for both of your sakes. By all measures she doing much better than alot of cheating spouses have done around here.
> 
> I'm sure FourtyPlus can give you pointers on how you can deal with this problem.


Thanks Complexity this helps. Honestly, if she is in a PA now, I don't know when and where- we have been together (other than weekend I was gone- something I did by design to get away from her to see how it went) weekends and weeknights. I know EA is a different possibility but still she is giving up a good paying job for what she says is to make me more comfortable.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> Thanks Complexity this helps. Honestly, if she is in a PA now, I don't know when and where- we have been together (other than weekend I was gone- something I did by design to get away from her to see how it went) weekends and weeknights. I know EA is a different possibility but still she is giving up a good paying job for what she says is to make me more comfortable.


No problem Bodhitree . 

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and what overtures she's giving but from what I'm reading she's done all the right things i.e maintaining no contact, giving up the job just to make your comfortable, giving you reassurances/updates throughout the day. Aslong as she continues like this and doesn't rug sweep your concerns I don't think you have much to fret about. Just remember though, an EA is a very distressful experience and so your insecurities are wholly justified. I guess her updating you signals that she's receptive to this. If you're still concerned about her taking her purse into the bathroom then you should definitely convey to her that it makes you uncomfortable and see what her response is.


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