# Please... I need advice again....



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

This morning, of all mornings, I got a facebook message from an ex. It's just crazy that this happens today, the day I'm signing the lease and probably staying in my new house for the first night. 

This has NEVER happened to me before. 

I know DH didn't 'put him up to it' or anything because they don't even know each other. The timing just freaks me out. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. All that was in the message was you know, "hey, is this you? if so, hello and how are you! if not sorry to bug you" 

My dilemma is that I don't know whether to reply to this message. I mean, DH and I decided not to see other people during our separation and I have no intention of 'seeing' this person. 

But I know DH would be really upset if I talked to this person at all for any reason. What I DON'T know is if that's reasonable. Is it fair for him to not want me to even say hello to an ex? I don't even know where he lives any more and for all I know he could be married with a bunch of kids! 

DH was upset that I even got a facebook. He was worried that men might try to 'friend' me. Well, they did. And if they were actually people I knew from way back then I accepted. I haven't told him that at this point I have lots of facebook friends that I've known from high school and some of them are guys. But NEVER an ex. Well, I don't really have many ex's. 

So my question is this: If I reply to this message, just to say hello and how are you...... 

is it
A) Me asserting myself and my right to talk to different people and have friends?

or is it
B) An act of betrayal toward DH? 

This is a strange new way of looking at things for me. I REALLY need some objective opinions.
Please tell me what you think.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Facebook is evil...and is the root cause for a lot of relationship disruptions. And with that being said, if you and your hubby are going to try and work to get back together, it wouldn't be a good idea to stoke the flames of resentment by acknowledging this request, especially if it's from an EX...

Preacher


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Thanks Preacher, I've heard people say exactly that about facebook before but I never really understood why. I don't use it very often and I don't even communicate with most of the 'friends' that are on there. I like to use it to look at friends (like, real friends that I call on the phone and actually see sometimes) family photos because they're always posted on there and to talk to my family. 

I personally think that no matter if there's 'facebook' or 'myspace' or 'twitter' or whatever it might be, involved that it's the person's character that ultimately defines how they act. It's their character that defines how they use these internet sites. 
I understand how it could encourage suspicion, though, and create an environment where an inappropriate relationship might be easier to cultivate.


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

easysilence said:


> This morning, of all mornings, I got
> is it
> A) Me asserting myself and my right to talk to different people and have friends?
> 
> ...


aren't you old enough to decide what to do?

befriending with any male at this moment, whether he is your ex or not, will give the wrong signals to your H. See thats what happens when you separate, other avenues start opening up and people loose determination to work on the relationship.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

Ugh. Part of what I would hope to happen with this separation is that I would meet more people. Not to DATE, just to know some people and make friends. I have lived here for three years and I have maybe one friend that wasn't DH's friend first. 
I see what you're saying, and I probably won't reply to the message at all. And you're right, if I felt right about it I wouldn't be asking about it. 
But I don't want to spend this whole separation worrying about what he thinks, either. I've spent too much time doing that. 
I'll feel better once I get into my new house and feel a little in control. 
Maybe then I can let go of some of the resentment I have for him because I've spent the last several years worrying about what he thinks and ignoring what I think.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

What's funny is I posted this same question to a different message board that's 'just for wives' and I got a TOTALLY different response. They all said they thought it would be harmless to write back. *shrug*


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Everyone has a different opinion...that's what makes the world such a fine place. Even experts in one field or another will have different opinions on the same subject.

Ultimately, the question to ask is this...if you know that befriending this guy on Facebook will possibly damage your relationship with your husband further and make it more difficult to reconnect or repair, does it really make sense to go ahead and befriend this guy just to make a point, to be free to do what you want to do or whatever else it would help aspire to?

If the answer is yes, then by all means end the marriage...if not, then let it drop for now and revisit it when things are more stable.

Preacher


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## mikey (Jul 7, 2009)

easysilence said:


> What's funny is I posted this same question to a different message board that's 'just for wives' and I got a TOTALLY different response. They all said they thought it would be harmless to write back. *shrug*


Thats what women do because they think they are not cheating by replying to the msgs, or having a live chat; but in this vulnerable situation a simple 'reply' may eventually lead to having an affair. Why do something which will surely and certainly break your marriage, rather wait and work on your marriage first, and keep in mind that these options will always be open for you in case the marriage doesn't work.


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I agree with you guys. It would be really stupid to reply to this message just to prove a point. Especially when it could really cost me. Truthfully, I really don't care what this guy is up to after years of not seeing or hearing from him. 

I think I'll wait and prove my points about things that I really do care about and are issues in my marriage. 

Thanks, guys, for helping me not do something stupid.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Another thought I have, is that with a planet that currently has 6.5 billion inhabitants, why would you even contemplate "looking into" getting back together with one of the few people with whom you already have a failed relationship? Curiosity kills more than cats easy silence, it also kills relationships, and JDPreacher is spot on right, Facebook is frigging evil.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

easysilence said:


> What's funny is I posted this same question to a different message board that's 'just for wives' and I got a TOTALLY different response. They all said they thought it would be harmless to write back. *shrug*


That's because women are stupid about men, just ignore them. 

Men only contact ex-whatevers on Facebook they want to at least entertain the idea of getting in a queen sized sack with.


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