# Husband wants kink and not sex



## NoSexLife (Aug 11, 2011)

Hi everyone! This is my first post on here so hopefully I can communicate everything well enough. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4 of them. He is 29 and I am 27. We have never really had a sex life. He had sexual partners before me but our first time having sex he seemed to be very uncomfortable with it. I assumed it was because he hadn't had a good partner before. I kept telling myself it would change. Currently we haven't had sex more than 5 times in the past 12 months. When we do it is quick and I don't get off. I am always ready for sex. I had always had an amazing sex life with any of my exs. He does have a libido however it is for kink. He loves to be tied up, suffocated and dominated. He also loves to dress up. He says he doesn't want to be a woman and he swears he isn't gay...but he likes to cross dress because he says it makes him feel sexy. I have tried dressing up in sexy lingerie. I indulge any of his fantasies and fetishes...yet he doesn't do the one thing I want most which is to have sex. He says he likes sex but doesn't want it to get boring. I am an attractive young woman and i love him very much. I have offers from other men but they aren't him. He is my best friend and I don't want this to tear us apart. I'm getting the feeling that if something doesn't change soon I will feel sexually alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to resent him. He refuses to go to counseling or to admit that he has a problem with sex....What should I do?


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Roommates live together but don't have sex with each other. Married couples live together and have sex together. Right now, you are roommates. And you are correct, you will come to resent him. A lot.

So far, you have talked to your husband, made yourself clearly available to him, and suggested counseling but he refused. 

Your choices are obvious:

1. Accept the situation as is

2. Decide that you want more from a marriage and move on


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

fredless said:


> Your choices are obvious:
> 
> 1. Accept the situation as is
> 
> 2. Decide that you want more from a marriage and move on


Obviously, there are other choices. The only option to change a marriage is not divorce. You can change it by refusing to cater to his kinks. Make it a quid pro quo. If he wants to [whatever], it should lead to sex. And make counseling non-negotiable. If you are seriously considering divorce, tell him that. You need to wake him up to the fact that the status quo is not a long-term option for the marriage.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Hi,

What your hubby is doing is topping from the bottom. He is essentially trying to indulge his fantasies without regard for your wants and needs. If you are ok to indulge his fantasy of being dominated, I have a site that I can suggest for you. It is called the good girls guide to domination. It is a guide from a female perspective to introduce a nervous women to domination. Read it, if you think it might work, take control and have fun ON YOUR OWN TERMS. He should just be along for the ride.

Akasha's Web: Femdom Erotica Online Since 1995: For Women Only: The Good Girl's Guide to Domination

I am not affiliated with the site. It is the good girls guide to domination. I'd had always hoped that my wife would of checked it out.

Dennis


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with you.

He was very deceptive to you, he did not tell you about this before marriage, and that is on him.

If I could only get turned on by something obscure that most men do not find sexually exciting in the least, it would be unfair to keep that information to to myself then reveal it after marriage and refuse to have sex.

most women would not be able to be sexually excited and turned on by a cross dressing man that wants to be dominated. it's not wrong that you are not turned on by this and you shouldn't have to force your self to do that.

I am afraid sex is too important and such a wonderful bonding experience, that i could just not stay in a marriage like that.

I think your best option is to move on. You deserve to be happy.

His fetish has obviously overtaken and he cannot get aroused without it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

i dont know anything about cross-dressers but it may be good to for you to learn something about it so you know what you are dealing with. is the kinky sex frequent and focused on his pleasure 

After doing some reading it would be good to sit and talk to him. You have not established any boundaries that is, what are you willing to accept and what are deal breakers. 

First decide what you need to continue in the relationship and then present to him in a non-threatening calm manner. i would stop participating for the time being, and ask him to go to sex therapist and IC. 

If he refuses then you have to decide if you want to live your entire life serving him or get out and find a man to have a normal healthy relationship with and have kids. 

He may go into therapy but not be able to change. You would have to decide how long you will give it. I really don't think you can change a fetish unless the person is motivated and works hard. But I don't know. 

This is just me but I don't think that i would stay with someone so incompatible when there are so many compatible men to be had. He may have more psychosexual problems than you know. 

Are you certain that he has no contact with men it may be a good idea to investigate and get tested for STDs.


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## Lessonlearned (Sep 8, 2017)

This sounds very similar to my (soon to be ex) husband. We had good sex at first but he always had a fascination with kink. Then we married (17 years ago) after 4 years together. We had kids and sex declined because we were working and the kids were around but we'd still fit it in. He always watched a lot of porn and had a fascination with dildos (for him) and bondage and domination. Then he just started really turning to that and couldn't maintain an erection without porn or a dildo or pretty much anything that wasn't actual sex. Subtly I started to enjoy sex less but other aspects of my life were so full and engaging that I almost didn't notice and he started telling me he didn't really like or need sex and eventually started telling me I didn't like sex and I began to think I was asexual. Occasionally, I'd meet someone and feel an attraction but never acted on it. Then he became a powerful businessman and started making money and wanted to move the family and I gave up my career to move with him, all the while thinking that now that the kids are older, we could rekindle our sex life. After I gave up everything, he told me he had been having sex with prostitutes and affairs on business trips and was now in love with his "soulmate" who was willing to participate in a gang bang and go on a vacation in Brazil where they would hook up with "she-males" together. And she lets him lie in bed smoking all day, while I want to do things like hike and go to concerts. So he is leaving us for her. Bottom line---I wish someone had told me this 15 years ago. Beware these proclivities if they are not something you want to do. Either see a marriage counselor now and work on sex therapy and find common ground or you may find yourself in my boat.


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