# I resent my husband bc of my in laws!



## bellawhite

We have been married for 5 yrs, and when hubby and I were engaged, i got pregnant! His mom was soooo upset! She didnt look or talk to me for daysss! At my bridal shower she had the worst face the whole time, as if someone had died! That night in church she came to me in tears and said sorry but didnt say what for...yearssss passed and when we had our 2nd baby she stayed with us for a few weeks to help, she looked miserable a few days into it and was in tears most days and we bearly spoke to eachother it was horrible! A while later i moved in with them for a while and feelings surfaced again, we all sat down to talk minus my H bc he wasnt here, and i guess i never forgave her for what she did to me! Totally ignored me, etc. plus she got pregnant herself while she was engaged to fil so out of anyone i thought she would understand! So anyways during the talk i brought that up and shes like geezzzzz ur still mad about that? Well soooorry then! Very ironic! One day shes nice rhe next she bearly talks to me, we moved to our own house, now i find myself living with them again till we move away again for a few weeks! But during this time ive come to totally resent my husband bc not once did he everrrrr stand up for me! But always defends them for their actions, wrong or right! Somedays (like today) all i can think about is how i dont want to deal with this for the rest of my life! Which makes me resent him big time! Doubt my feelings for him and even think of moving on alone with our 2 kids, without him! And leaving him to his family! (Whom he puts in first place anyways) thing is, we have 2 kids, whom i know will suffer bc they love daddy so much! Somedays i cant take it anymore  sigh!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bellawhite

Anyone? Please? Ive been really down today! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo

Does your husband support other times when his family is not involved? 
Is he intimidated by his family?
Is this the only reason you feel you want to leave him?


----------



## Wiserforit

bellawhite said:


> Somedays i cant take it anymore :


The husband and in-laws put you down. 

This is over the line, the wife comes before anyone. If you are not getting that then ultimatum time was looooooong ago. 

But it is never too late for ultimatum time.


----------



## bellawhite

Coffeeforme- u gave some great advice! Sometimes im worried about having another talk with her and things getting
Heated as there is so much resentment in me! But thank u for taking ur time to write all that, it was really nice advice! Thanks a lot! 

Maneo- i would def say he is intimated by his family! And what did u mean by does ur husband support when his family is not involved? And yeah the number 1 reason for me wanting
To leave is the lack of understanding from his part, unwillingness to do something about it! And resentment for all the pain they put me through! I feel like they come before me!

Wiserforit-i agree, i should come first! But what is ultimatum time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo

Bellawhite, what I was asking when I inquired how your husband treats you when his family is not involved was whether he defends you and puts you first in situations and issues not involving his family. I was trying to understand if his lack of support for you was limited to things concerning his family or if you felt this neglect in other areas.


----------



## bellawhite

Maneo-ummmm my husband is what u guys call a passive aggressive i think? He hates arguements and problems so whenever they arrise he tends to keep to himself and not get involved! So i would say in general he is not supportive of me when its me and someone hes friends with or likes ( like his brothers wife ) but if it was like me and my mom he says he supports me! So lets put it this way not to sound confusing, if i have a problem with his mom. Dad, bro, sis in law, friends, cousins, grandparents, he is never on my side! Does that kind of answer ur question?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maneo

Do you ever feel you are first priority for your husband?


----------



## Theseus

Bellawhite - do you realize that you don't have to put exclamation points (!) on the end of every sentence??

Your story was very hard to understand, and that only makes it a little harder.


----------



## bellawhite

Maneo-no, never. I even wrote that in another post. How i feel his family always comes before me.
And i always feel very neglected and that i always come second even though he says thats not true.
I dont know what else to do, im losing hope.

Theseus-wow sorry, i didnt even realize i do that. My bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiserforit

bellawhite said:


> Wiserforit-i agree, i should come first! But what is ultimatum time?


It means you tell him that he either puts you first, or you are out of there. Separation. Divorce. He is not going to respond to anything except consequences that matter. 

It has to be something you are willing to follow through with. Not a bluff.


----------



## Maneo

You are in a difficult position. It is not directly your husband's family ( though they clearly contribute) but your husband's attitude to you that seems to be the problem. A spouse should feel in first place for the attention, care, concern and affection from the other spouse. That does not seem to be the case for you. If you are not first in your husband's heart and mind, who is?


----------



## Chris Taylor

This was a huge problem in my marriage.

I come from a very sarcastic family. When we get together, we all take jabs at each other and these all roll off our backs.

When my wife was at family functions, she's take some of these jabs but wasn't used to it and took offense. For me? It was just another funny comment.

My wife looked at it as not defending her against insults. I looked at it as her not having a sense of humor (she really doesn't).

In marriage counseling, the MC said three things... First, I had to understand my wife's feelings regarding this. Whether she's overly sensitive or not, her feelings are valid and need to be addressed.

Second, she had to feel safe with my family. That meant me being there, making sure if someone made a comment I could be there to offset it.

Third, my wife had to move on from past injuries if I agreed to #1 and #2 above. She had to realize that my family is the way they are and her letting it affect the marriage going forward, when I had made agreements to resolve the problem, would be wrong.

It just takes some understanding on everyone's part.


----------



## bellawhite

Maneo- i dont know! Sometimes i think he is only with me bc of the kids, even though he says thats not the case.

Thank u all for the feedback.

Not much has changed since this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marriedin808

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I found this forum looking up the same problem. My issue isn't with my MIL, but with my BIL. It's the same thing. He has been rude to me since pretty much day one- even in front of my husband-! And my husband ignores it or tells me "that's just the way he is." He's not like that with my other SIL. My husband is just like yours- he doesn't like to stir the pot and he absolutely let's his brothers roll over him because he doesn't want to cause problems. This is a persistent argument and I feel like it's always under the surface. I know how you feel- and I wish I had some advice for you. but you aren't alone!


----------



## Finley

My MIL was a serious issue for me. She had a fit when we announced we were getting married and told us she wouldn't attend the wedding and the was angry when we ran off to Vegas and got married. 
When he called to tell her we were pregnant she told him she would hold off on celebrating till "it's born and we can make sure you're really the father". After all this I've continued to invite her into our home. 
The final straw for me was when she had a fit that we sent her a mother's day card. She called screaming that she hated me and how dare I spoil the day by sending her a card. She proceeded to tell me my son was a bastard and that our daughter probably isn't even my husbands and she's never wants to see us.
I've since calmly explained to her that her behavior isn't healthy, and I will not expose my children to it. 
My husband thankfully agrees and also told her that her behavior isn't health for the children and while he would like to maintain a relationship with her, he will need to do so without the children. 

I think sometimes, you need to turn the other way and ignore some behaviors for the good of the family. BUT you also need to know when someone is poisoning your relationship and firmly but kindly remove them from your life.


----------

