# My wife physically abuse me



## Jayson

Re: I think my wife is abusive...
Hello. This is my first time here and I wanted to share my story. I am indeed in an abusive marriage. My wife hits me on my face when ever she gets really angry. It wasnt like this until I lost her respect when I called her a ***** in front of her cousins because I was so frustrated and angry. That was very wrong of me to do. I promised her that I would never call her that name ever again. I kept my promise. After that i noticed that our relationship has changed and gotten worse. 

I have a full time day job and currently studying to become an LVN. She is unemployed and just stays at home. 

I have responsibilities around the house like throwing the garbage away in the bathroom when its full. Refilling the soap dispenser when its empty. Clean the bathroom every 2 weeks. I also help her dad wash trucks every sunday. I do not accept payments because we are staying at her parents house for free.

When I dont get to do my chores because i forget to or not have time to do, she gets upset. I feel as if she's not doing anything, atleast she can do is to throw away the garbage herself or refill the soap dispenser. Its not like shes disabled. Her excuse is that shes teaching me how to responsible. I can understand being responsible about throwing it away when its full. Its how come she cant do it herself and help me. Shes not doing anything. I mean she does the laundry but she only does it 2 times a month or not even. She just watches TV, Eat and sleep the whole day. She's awake all night long and goes to sleep like 3,4,5,6, in the morning and doesn wake up until like 2 or 3 pm. Oh and also she pays for the bills. I actually make it, but she pays them online. Anyway the argument will lead to something else. It will lead to why I do not make love to her. Ive told her that maybe because you verbally and physically abuse me. My heart is broken by that. Tell me, who can make love or perform sex when their partners verbally and physically abuse them? ME!

I dont retaliate back. I just sit there and let it happen. One time we got into an argument. We were having a conversation in the car on the way to the movies. I got distracted for a second because i was trying to find parking and she got really upset. She said "you can give me the common courtesy and say hold on im gonna park real quick" I said my apologies and told her i didnt mean to do that. She then backhands across my face. She told me she didnt wanna watch a movie anymore so she told me to go home. I parked in a different place because she was hitting me again. And i didnt want to get into a car accident. She then started to put me down and call me names so i couldnt take it and stepped out of the car closed the door on her while she was talking. I got a cigarrette from a lady and wanted to walk away. But i thought about it and it was wrong for me to walk away so i went back to the car. She got really mad and started hitting me on my head over and over and over and over and over again. That night I went to the hospital because I had a really bad headache and I couldnt breath that good. What was supprising was she went to the hospital to be there with me. But she was just on her iphone playing games while sitting there not giving me sympathy or anything. Instead I get the blamed that it was my fault for causing all of that.

Please tell me what to do. Ive already said to her to stop hitting me. She tells me if i dont change to be a better husband which is make love to her and charm her, then she will continue to hit me. PLEASE HELP ME!


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## morituri

Report her to the police for domestic violence.


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## Jayson

Thats my last resort if it continues. I want our marriage to work out. I want to get help and I want her to get help. But she told me last night that she doesnt want to waste her time. 

She tells me that if I wasnt the way I am, she wouldnt be the bad person she is. 

Guys I know it takes two to tango. I have faults. I am hard headed and I forget her rules sometimes. But is it really my fault that I caused her to be verbally and physically abusive towards me?


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## Zulu

Man, if you were in a bar and a man did that to you, what would you do,....


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## Zulu

Think you really need to Man Up... she is walking all over you.... unless the sex is sensational and on a regular basis.... nah... not even that... why would you want to be with some one that slaps you, slap her back, twice for every time she slaps you.... see how much she likes that.


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## Enigma77

problem with slapping her back is that women can get away with it and guys cant


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## Zulu

You know what... not a chance. There is NO way I would allow her to do that.... the man says he forgets her rules sometimes, WHAAAAT, you must be kidding.... she would have received the slap of her life from me, the one her father never gave her when she was small.


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## Zulu

Are you for real... Jerry Springer springs to mind....


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## Syrum

Yes that is domestic violence. I encourage you to leave her. She lives with her parents and will be fine.

Go in this week and open a new account and have your pay put into it.

Then call the police for assistance getting your things, so she does not try and hurt you while you are collecting them.

You do not deserve to be treated that way and she is the one with the problem.

She needs counseling and behavioral therapy.

Please be very careful and whatever you do, do not hit her back.


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## Kobo

Call the cops or you might end up with your junk in the disposal...

Why are you staying. Take what you just wrote to your closest friend. Look at their reaction. What are you getting out the deal? free rent? Please move on with your life.


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## Jellybeans

Jayson said:


> She tells me that if I wasnt the way I am, she wouldnt be the bad person she is.


Typical abuser response.

She is, indeed, abusive.

SO STOP TAKING IT. Tell her NO MORE. If you hit me one more time< I am gone. Mean it. You do not have to put up living in a relationship with someone who hits you constantly to the point you have to go to the ER. Ever. No way, no how.

I noticed you called her a B once. Dont' do that. That is disrespectful as well. 

Most abusers don't change. 

You need to respect yourself before she will, and that may mean leaving the relationship altogether if she won't.


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## Jellybeans

Jayson said:


> We were having a conversation in the car on the way to the movies. I got distracted for a second because i was trying to find parking and she got really upset. She said "you can give me the common courtesy and say hold on im gonna park real quick" I said my apologies and told her i didnt mean to do that. *She then backhands across my face*. *She told me she didnt wanna watch a movie anymore so she told me to go home. I parked in a different place because she was hitting me again*. And i didnt want to get into a car accident. She then started to put me down and call me names so i couldnt take it and stepped out of the car closed the door on her while she was talking. I got a cigarrette from a lady and wanted to walk away. But i thought about it and it was wrong for me to walk away so i went back to the car. *She got really mad and started hitting me on my head over and over and over and over and over again. That night I went to the hospital because I had a really bad headache and I couldnt breath that good*. Instead* I get the blamed that it was my fault for causing all of that*.!


This is not okay. Under any circumtance. EVER. 

Leave her.


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## Lon

Interestingly, when things went bad with my wife and I was blindsided with her cheating and dropping divorce on me, I SO wished (I even told her this) she would have just punched me in the face when there was things she needed I wasn't doing, rather than let the sun set on it turning all those disappointments into resentment.

I am not condining physical violence, nor does it seem reasonable in your situation, I just wish there would have been a more direct way for me to realize I was not doing what I needed to sooner (ie a slap up the head).


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## COGypsy

Jayson said:


> Thats my last resort if it continues. I want our marriage to work out. I want to get help and I want her to get help. But she told me last night that she doesnt want to waste her time.
> 
> She tells me that if I wasnt the way I am, she wouldnt be the bad person she is.
> 
> Guys I know it takes two to tango. I have faults. I am hard headed and I forget her rules sometimes. But is it really my fault that I caused her to be verbally and physically abusive towards me?


Of course it isn't your fault, abusers maintain power and control over their victims by constantly changing the rules so that they can "show you who's boss". 

There's a lot of information and support out there for men in situations like yours:

Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women

Battered Men

Mayo Clinic-Signs

It's not uncommon for victims of either sex to eventually strike back. I'd strongly caution you against that. Having domestic violence charges, protection orders, etc. on your record is a terrible thing for future employment, background checks, all kinds of things. It's much better to make a plan and work the system, however you choose to do so--

Good luck and take care of yourself!


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## sigma1299

Show her the back of your head as you walk out the door. No drama - no name calling - just "I'm done with you" and walk out. 

Then... when she finishes screaming, then begging and whatever else she throws at you - stay gone. Man up and stand up for yourself. 

After you've proven to her that you can and will go on without her if she treats you that way - then you can decide if you want to go back - but why would you??


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## joshbjoshb

The question that everyone here failed to ask is: what type of "punch" was it.

Did she really hit you hard? Or was it just a light, almost kiddingly? IMO it makes a big different.

If she did it as a mean to punch you, hit and hurt you, this is no good and unless she goes to a very good therapist you can't continue to live like that...


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## COGypsy

joshbjoshb said:


> The question that everyone here failed to ask is: what type of "punch" was it.
> 
> Did she really hit you hard? Or was it just a light, almost kiddingly? IMO it makes a big different.
> 
> If she did it as a mean to punch you, hit and hurt you, this is no good and unless she goes to a very good therapist you can't continue to live like that...


I can't see anyone kidding around with open hand face slaps and backhanding someone while they're driving...those seem like quite a bit more than a slug to the arm and a giggle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure

Pack up and leave now. It won't get better. However it will get worse. Get a restraining order if you have to. Do not go back no matter what she says. See an attorney, file for divorce.

Move out before you end up DEAD !!!


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## ManDup

Physical violence is not an appropriate response to ANYTHING you say or do, so it can't be your fault. This is blame-shifting by the perp. Get out, get help, etc. Men of honor can be abused just as badly as women because we know we can't fight back, and so do the women. It is part of that contract, however, that they not take advantage of it.


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## Jayson

Wussup guys. Thanks for ur replies. The only thing is I want our marriage to work out. I love her a lot. I just wished she can accept me for the person I am. I do everything for her. She tells me to do this, do that. Even though I'm so tired from work. She just stays home everyday. I'm not saying that she has to do all of the chores at home. I'm just saying that when I forget to do it or just plain lazy from being so tired from work, and is not to get that upset and please understand. Her point about it is she's teaching me how to be responsible. I understand that. But she also needs to understand that I come home from work and tired. It's not hard throwing away the garbage when it's full or refilling the soap dispenser. It's just that I'm so tired all of the time. 
I also feel down when I come home from work that I have to fix my own food. I hear a lot of women preparing food for their husbands when they get home. She use to do that but since I forget to throw away the garbage in the bathroom or if annoy her about something, she stops doing those things for me. Even the laundry. We are not in good terms right now and she told me that I have to wash my own clothes. I do so much for her. She tells me to do things and I do it. I may complain but I still do it. Then she gets mad when I do complain so I just don't complain to avoid a fight. She tells me that she doesn't love me anymore because if she did, she wouldn't be doing the things she's doing to me. I guess I'm in denial because I love her and don't want to lose her because when she's in a good mood. She makes me like she cares about me. But most of the time I do something that she doesn't like and gets irritated annoyed mad angry etc. I don't mean to that to her you know. I feel like when we're ok. I walk on egg shells. I have to be aware of everything I do to not get her mad or irritated. But someway I always find a way to make her feel like that. Also I feel sad because I don't have any control of the money I make. We have bills to pay I know that. But most of the time she doesn't cook so I have no food to bring to work so I would need to buy. Then I would have to ask her if I can use the money for my transportation. She then gets mad and says well why don't you make your lunch the night before. I don't know guys.... Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

joshbjoshb said:


> The question that everyone here failed to ask is: what type of "punch" was it.


Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.

Hitting someone repeatedly and in a pattern is what it is. And it's wrong. Nothing justifies this. Ever.


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## Jellybeans

Jayson said:


> She tells me that she doesn't love me anymore because if she did, she wouldn't be doing the things she's doing to me. I guess I'm in denial because I love her


Yes, my friend. 

You ARE in denial. She has shown you who she is and you still don't believe her.

Would you treat someone you love the way she treats you?
Would you treat a friend the way she treats you?

She sounds like an emotional abuser on top of being physically abusive. Without their own willingness to stop that behavior, they usually get worse over time.

What does she do all day long? No kids, right? Why is she controlling all the $??? 

Does she enhance your life? Make it better/happier? Does she contribute to the household, financially or otherwise? Does she make you feel respected? Treat you lovingly and respectfully? Like the way a woman should treat a man? Does she give? Or does she only take? Do you feel better about yoruself when you're with her? Or worse? Overall, how do you feel (say out of 10 times, do you feel good 1 out of 10, etc)?

Why are you afraid of losing her? She should be afraid of losing you.


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## Jellybeans

Links on abuse:

Controlling & Abusive Relationships

Red Flag Campaign | Red Flags for Abusive Relationships

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

http://wadvpress.org/?p=147

MenWeb Battered Men: What is Abuse? Men and Domestic Violence

How Abusive Women Brainwash You | MND: Your Daily Dose of Counter-Theory

And a quizzie:

Emotional Abuse Quiz


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## Mephisto

The rule is "Never hit a woman." 

However, when a woman forgoes the title of "woman" and strikes a man, she invites a physical response from him. Men are generally stronger and therefore quite able to restrain a woman, if she wants to keep going with a physical confrontation and he actually hits her properly, she will learn the error in her tactic swiftly.

I do not condone domestic violence in any way shape or form, but people, men and women, have a right to protect themselves. 

Women can get away with murder when they have been a battered spouse, I wonder what response a man will get defending himself from physical attacks.


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## sigma1299

Maybe try reading the threads in here on "Manning Up." You keep saying she's trying to teach you to be responsible. Maybe she wants a husband who's not willing to let her treat them like she's their mother?? It sounds like you just defer to her and take whatever she throws at you. Well - that's not very "manly," maybe if you show her more masculinity she'll respond? Just thinking out loud here.


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## Blue Moon

Guy, stop being such a p*ssy and stand up to her. Not even just about the beatings (which is ridiculous) but she treats you like you're her bratty little child. You don't need the police, you don't need an abuse hotline, you need to grow some balls.


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## ManDup

What Blue Moon said. If you insist on stick around this jerkface, the very least you need to do is stop taking her abuse. Presumably you are stronger than her physically, time to be stronger emotionally too and have some self-respect. You are not "learning to be responsible" you are learning to appease an abuser, which never works. You have to stand up to bullies, and that's what she is. She doesn't want you to do all those things, she wants you to demand she behave herself, or leave. She's trying to get to you leave at this point, but you're not listening.


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## 4sure

I don't know if this guys for real. I read this it makes me ill in the pit of my stomach. Darn dude you sound like a slave who runs around licking his masters boots. 

She doesn't treat you like a human. We dog owners feed our dogs. I wouldn't treat an animal the way she treats you.

Please get help.


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## ABetterMan

Jayson,

I know exactly what you're going through as I have experienced this. I am not sure what country you're in and do not know the local rules. In Australia you can take out an Intervention Order. This is a legal document that states if she hits you again she has committed a criminal offense, and will go to prison.

What does this do? Scares the crap out of her. I did this, yes she was upset, but you know what the abuse stopped. Two weeks later, she was all over me. All of a sudden she respected me, and knew I was not going to put up with her crap.

I coupled this with good counseling for both of us. I have had to learn how to be a man. Frankly, the media movies TV etc do not teach us how to be men. We're taught to do what ever our women want, tell them we love them constantly etc. The reality, that puts you in a position to be walked all over.

Take the drastic actions above. 

To be subtle I suggest you start focusing on your needs. Treat her mean and keep her keen. Act in such away she believes you're having an affair. This will turn the tables for you I promise. Woman don't want us to be babies they want us to be men.


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## jmc286

Jayson said:


> Wussup guys. Thanks for ur replies. The only thing is I want our marriage to work out. I love her a lot. I just wished she can accept me for the person I am. I do everything for her. She tells me to do this, do that. Even though I'm so tired from work. She just stays home everyday. I'm not saying that she has to do all of the chores at home. I'm just saying that when I forget to do it or just plain lazy from being so tired from work, and is not to get that upset and please understand. Her point about it is she's teaching me how to be responsible. I understand that. But she also needs to understand that I come home from work and tired. It's not hard throwing away the garbage when it's full or refilling the soap dispenser. It's just that I'm so tired all of the time.
> I also feel down when I come home from work that I have to fix my own food. I hear a lot of women preparing food for their husbands when they get home. She use to do that but since I forget to throw away the garbage in the bathroom or if annoy her about something, she stops doing those things for me. Even the laundry. We are not in good terms right now and she told me that I have to wash my own clothes. I do so much for her. She tells me to do things and I do it. I may complain but I still do it. Then she gets mad when I do complain so I just don't complain to avoid a fight. She tells me that she doesn't love me anymore because if she did, she wouldn't be doing the things she's doing to me. I guess I'm in denial because I love her and don't want to lose her because when she's in a good mood. She makes me like she cares about me. But most of the time I do something that she doesn't like and gets irritated annoyed mad angry etc. I don't mean to that to her you know. I feel like when we're ok. I walk on egg shells. I have to be aware of everything I do to not get her mad or irritated. But someway I always find a way to make her feel like that. Also I feel sad because I don't have any control of the money I make. We have bills to pay I know that. But most of the time she doesn't cook so I have no food to bring to work so I would need to buy. Then I would have to ask her if I can use the money for my transportation. She then gets mad and says well why don't you make your lunch the night before. I don't know guys.... Any thoughts?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You seem like a great guy. There are so many girls out there who would love and appreciate a guy like you. Seriously.

I'm all for saving marriages, but physical abuse is a deal breaker (especially to the point of hospitalization!). She is bat**** crazy, and bat**** crazy people don't get better. I'm afraid that even standing up to her would cause the violence to escalate. Please be very, very careful; you could be seriously injured, or she may twist things to make you seem like the abuser. Crazy people are expert manipulators.

Oh, and you mentioned how she is sometimes in a good mood- that is a typical trait in an abuser. If things were horrible all the time you would leave, but you stick around for those rare times when things are great. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You really do deserve better. At the very least, try to build a support system outside of your marriage so that one day you will have the confidence to leave. And get counseling if you can.


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