# Hello



## cashcratebob

Don't want to break forum etiquette, so here is my intro. Been following the site since October 2017. Lots of really good advice and I very much appreciate the grounded and honest truths presented here for the most part. 

My story isn't intense; probably more a reflection on my own insecurities (that I didn't know existed until now). In any case, my wife, who I am happily married to for13 years, started a new job in retail working nights. Noticed a different way of speaking about one particular guy that just was...odd. Stumbled on a Facebook messenger conversation that was benign but deleted pretty quick (deleting as it went on). Confronted two weeks later in the worst possible way. Scared my wife and things have been fine since...lol. In any case, I am still a smidge obsessed. 

So that is why I am here, plus my daily dose of reality on how the world really is, and encouragement to just be a loving and vigilant husband, both over myself and my wife. 

regards.


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## anchorwatch

Hello, Bob 

Welcome


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## Lostinthought61

Welcome Bob, 

i hope in your case you caught it on time before it went really wrong...and i know you are being vigilante, because as you know being a reader here, affairs can go underground what are you doing to ensure that your wife understands the implications to her actions.


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> Welcome Bob,
> 
> i hope in your case you caught it on time before it went really wrong...and i know you are being vigilante, because as you know being a reader here, affairs can go underground what are you doing to ensure that your wife understands the implications to her actions.


She changed her schedule so that she doen't work the same nights as this guy. I have a keylogger setup. I also have access to all of her accounts. I made it clear that if things felt "off" again, and she couldn't provide more of an explanation than "that wasn't my intention" regarding all her actions, I would expose to family and friends.


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> Welcome Bob,
> 
> i hope in your case you caught it on time before it went really wrong...and i know you are being vigilante, because as you know being a reader here, affairs can go underground what are you doing to ensure that your wife understands the implications to her actions.


Forgot, I also make unannounced visits to her work with the whole family.


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## Lostinthought61

Nice job Bob, you sound like someone who doesn't let the grass grow under your feet. But more importantly you demonstrated to your wife that you are fighting for your marriage that she see it that way?


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> Nice job Bob, you sound like someone who doesn't let the grass grow under your feet. But more importantly you demonstrated to your wife that you are fighting for your marriage that she see it that way?


'

I think this was reality check for her, for how much I do care for her and love her. She use to joke occasionally (like very occasionally) that she loved me more. I think now I have made her understand how much I care


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## Lostinthought61

so has that made your relationship stronger now?


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> so has that made your relationship stronger now?


Uh...I don't know yet. I think we will be stronger, but personally I would rather have my mental state back to where it was before October. I think she evolved so to speak, and will likely bolster our relationship from her end. 

I mean things are good now, don't get me wrong. I am making sure to be kind and gentle, while at the same time be more assertive and communicate my feelings better. I think it really helped me come to grips with reality, that my wife isn't perfect. But also, that I am grounded, that I do maintain good boundaries with those around me, and that I am solid, and have generally always been, solid and unwavering with her. 

Also, I need to add, at some point I'll post my whole story. At that point I won't come off nearly as in control and decisive. The situation literally shut me down from a communication perspective.


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## SunCMars

We can all hope that this is one of the good 'outcomes' found on TAM.

That a month or two later the 'outcome' did not grow legs.

Legs that tap dance, cannot stay put, cannot stay together.

...............................................................................................

If not, 'out come' the tears, the accusations, the lies, the goodbyes.
...............................................................................................

We wish the best for you!!


Just Sayin'

The Typist-


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## Lostinthought61

i get where you are Bob, there are several ways to look at it...i suspect that your marriage not unlike others here and around the world can become boring, moving from passion to mundane or ordinary...we get into this ruts creating grooves, digger our selves deeper into those ruts and before you know it we become roommates....it is then that things can go horribly wrong and sometimes do...its like some people forget what they have and expect to find better and often do not.


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## VermiciousKnid

cashcratebob said:


> Don't want to break forum etiquette, so here is my intro. Been following the site since October 2017. Lots of really good advice and I very much appreciate the grounded and honest truths presented here for the most part.
> 
> My story isn't intense; probably more a reflection on my own insecurities (that I didn't know existed until now). In any case, my wife, who I am happily married to for13 years, started a new job in retail working nights. Noticed a different way of speaking about one particular guy that just was...odd. Stumbled on a Facebook messenger conversation that was benign but deleted pretty quick (deleting as it went on). Confronted two weeks later in the worst possible way. Scared my wife and things have been fine since...lol. In any case, I am still a smidge obsessed.
> 
> So that is why I am here, plus my daily dose of reality on how the world really is, and encouragement to just be a loving and vigilant husband, both over myself and my wife.
> 
> regards.


At least you nipped it in the bud. That was a good thing. I'm surprised at how often a spouse catches the other early in something and then sits back and does nothing.


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> i get where you are Bob, there are several ways to look at it...i suspect that your marriage not unlike others here and around the world can become boring, moving from passion to mundane or ordinary...we get into this ruts creating grooves, digger our selves deeper into those ruts and before you know it we become roommates....it is then that things can go horribly wrong and sometimes do...its like some people forget what they have and expect to find better and often do not.


I am very appreciative of your feedback. That being said, my wife and our relationship, after 13 years of marriage has only gotten better with the exception to this little issue. Sexually, communication, support and understanding. It really has only gotten better over the years and it had been a real joy to my heart. Which is why it caught me off guard. 

I'll post my full story here soon.


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## Lostinthought61

cashcratebob said:


> I am very appreciative of your feedback. That being said, my wife and our relationship, after 13 years of marriage has only gotten better with the exception to this little issue. Sexually, communication, support and understanding. It really has only gotten better over the years and it had been a real joy to my heart. Which is why it caught me off guard.
> 
> I'll post my full story here soon.


i am glad to hear that Bob, truly...so can ask because i am sure you asked her, why she did ? since things were good between you two what was she seeking ...attention?


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## cashcratebob

Lostinthought61 said:


> i am glad to hear that Bob, truly...so can ask because i am sure you asked her, why she did ? since things were good between you two what was she seeking ...attention?


I alluded to it earlier, she said all of her actions were not her intent...she didn't realize she was talking different about this guy and she swears she only had those couple of text messages (the texts were regarding this guys trip to Vegas since he was going right after the shootings) what really bothered me was it seemed apparent she was deleting as the conversation went. She said she deleted them because she didn't want me to hassle her. I responded with well she can speak to old (like over 15 years ago) boyfriends and I don't care because you never delete those conversations and they rarely happen. So what is the difference here? Silence. I knew. I could press, but I get to the point where I think it is really embarrassing and hurting her. Her response to me after in her actions shows that she is sorry while she won't admit that she might have been slightly attracted to this guy; she unfriended him, again I mentioned she stopped working that night, and she has just been very verbally and physically kind. Very very little comments about me being jealous or whatever...they have come lately but I make some comments every once and a while that warrant them maybe  

I kind of equate the situation to her catching me gawking at some chick (which I don't do) or catching me getting myself off to a picture or something.


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## 2ntnuf

Trust your gut feelings. Keep silent watch. It will take time to trust her again. Work on your love languages and communication skills. Not that you don't do well now, but it will help you two to meet each others needs even better than you do and help repair your trust in her. Look up the five love languages.


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