# Dead end help



## Lotusman (Dec 18, 2015)

Hey Folks

New here because I have a dysfunctional situation and could use some new perspectives... as I fear we're headed to a bad place (I'm the man).

As always it comes down to sex and no it isn't all my fault. 

Firstly, we're M(50), F(43) slim, active and fit. Married 2 years.

My wife is very attractive and her looks turn me on (I always thought that was a good thing and the way it was supposed to be)! Unfortunately this makes me want to have sex with her; not every minute, but every day! Naturally I'm thoughtful though and am happy to compromise on that... but once a week with her trying to get it over with doesn't work either.

Long story short, I'm now at a point where I don't even want to look at her, I avoid our skin touching, and look away when she is naked or dressing etc. Why? Because it kills me to see her looking so lovely and feeling so much desire but knowing that it is totally unrequited. She'd rather sleep or do a crossword...

This isn't new, I married her because I love her to bits but in truth it was trending like this before too... an exponential decay from early days 4-5 years ago.

To complicate matters, I was just diagnosed with prostate cancer (early stage). If you know anything about that disease you'll know that sooner or later a knife will take away my ability to ever have sex again... so here I am watching my life tick away - literally - and resenting the person I love, looking away because the desire cuts me in two...

My (logical) brain is saying "get the hell out and in to a more balanced relationship, before you're too old or too dead".

Thoughts?

...and no she wasn't raped as a kid by her father, isn't menopausal, isn't exhausted by kids (we have none)... etc... park all the Cosmo "woe is me stuff".

:frown2:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time in your marriage but at the same time you married her knowing exactly what you were getting.....a physically attractive, low-desire woman. She's delivered exactly what she promised......a physically attractive, low-desire woman. There was no bait and switch. 

I'm not sure there's anything you can really do to fix it. The two options that come to mind are: 

1) Communicate your feelings regarding the lack of sexual quantity/quality and hope she understands. Explain to her that you feel under the gun (so to speak) to get in as much of it as you can before you're not able to. But word of warning, she may interpret that as you asking to use her as a blow up doll for sexual gratification until you can't no more. 

or 

2) divorce her and go find someone else who is more sexually compatible. There's a risk to this since you may or may not find someone who fits all of your criteria and who will love you enough to deal with the 'in sickness' part of the vows. However, the reward is a sexually enjoyable relationship if you can find a good match.

I do hope you beat the cancer and are able to enjoy a long (and sexually active) relationship.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Lila said:


> *
> 1) Communicate your feelings regarding the lack of sexual quantity/quality and hope she understands. Explain to her that you feel under the gun (so to speak) to get in as much of it as you can before you're not able to. But word of warning, she may interpret that as you asking to use her as a blow up doll for sexual gratification until you can't no more. *


Start here. Talk to her about how much this matters to you. She may not take it well, but she should know how you feel about this.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Ask her why she has no interest in sexual intercourse with you or if she doesn't find you attractive anymore. Also ask if there is anything that is putting a strain on your marriage? Tell her exactly how this makes you feel but do not use accusatory words or tone, that will make it worse. Avoid the "You don't do this..." etc. Start off by saying, "I'm really upset because I feel like we are drifting apart and that I'm not good enough for you anymore." Have you ever brought up the idea of marriage counseling? That could work.


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