# My anger has cost me my marriage



## millmant

As the title of the thread says, I really think that my inability to hold my temper has caused my wife to loose her love for me.

I want to do something about it, but don't even have a clue on where to go.

After talking with my M.D., at least she had refereed me to a therapist that deals with marriage,family counseling. But that's not going to happen until after the holidays.

I really want to do this not only for myself, but for my children.

I think a lot of my problem is I just didn't know any better since we were always a "yelling" type of family.

For the most part, when angered, the worse thing that I would do is slam doors, drawers and raise my voice, not what I would call yelling, but to many others it is.

I guess the first step is seeking help.

Don't know if this was the appropriate spot to post this, but the worse thing that can happen is it gets deleted.


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## artieb

_How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You_, by Albert Ellis.

_Emotional Intelligence_, by Daniel Goleman.

_How To Win Friends and Influence People_, by Dale Carnegie.


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## HappyHer

Counseling is a great first step. In the meantime, do not allow your anger to control you. If you feel angry, take a walk or give yourself a "time out" until you feel calmer and can talk about what you were angry about in a peaceful manner. Make sure and tell your family or wife "I'm feeling angry and need a time out to calm down, I'll be back with you soon" and then give yourself fifteen minutes or an hour off by yourself.


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## Believe

I hear ya. My anger got in the way too. My H says that I am too aggressive when I get angry. I yell and slam things. Well I use to do that. Now that he is gone I realize I need to control myself. It takes alot of practice to hold your tongue. Trust me. But little by little you can change. I don't even swear anymore. Which is amazing because I use to talk like a truck driver ( as they say).


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## millmant

Believe said:


> I hear ya. My anger got in the way too. My H says that I am too aggressive when I get angry. I yell and slam things. Well I use to do that. Now that he is gone I realize I need to control myself. It takes alot of practice to hold your tongue. Trust me. But little by little you can change. I don't even swear anymore. Which is amazing because I use to talk like a truck driver ( as they say).


See part of my problem is I don't hear myself. What I mean by that is because all of my life(close to 35 + years) i've been around loud machines as that is part of my trade. I am so use to talking over machines that my wife never could understand that.

Frankly, I tried before but failed at the not talking so loud thing. it's something that I have always done.


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## millmant

artieb said:


> _How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You_, by Albert Ellis.
> 
> _Emotional Intelligence_, by Daniel Goleman.
> 
> _How To Win Friends and Influence People_, by Dale Carnegie.


Thank you

I went on amazon and purchased 2 of the books. 

Like I said, I want to change myself.


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## 142

millmant said:


> As the title of the thread says, I really think that my inability to hold my temper has caused my wife to loose her love for me.
> 
> I want to do something about it, but don't even have a clue on where to go.
> 
> After talking with my M.D., at least she had refereed me to a therapist that deals with marriage,family counseling. But that's not going to happen until after the holidays.
> 
> I really want to do this not only for myself, but for my children.
> 
> I think a lot of my problem is I just didn't know any better since we were always a "yelling" type of family.
> 
> For the most part, when angered, the worse thing that I would do is slam doors, drawers and raise my voice, not what I would call yelling, but to many others it is.
> 
> I guess the first step is seeking help.
> 
> Don't know if this was the appropriate spot to post this, but the worse thing that can happen is it gets deleted.


Everybody handles anger differently! As a child my Dad used to have me go outside and “beat up” this old tree stump, he encouraged me to yell at it while whacking it as hard as I could with sticks, hammer/nails, etc. Later in life I taught my son to do the same, except with pillows and later as a teenager, a real punching bag in the garage (I got tired of buying those blow up kind, over and over again), it works! Sometimes we’d do it together when we where mad at each other (and then laugh ourselves silly over it)!
These little “anger-outs” help me/us to focus the energy, instead of suppressing it or worse, projecting anger at others. I was taught that anger is a natural emotion, one that needs raw expression. Hitting and yelling worked for me, like nothing else did. These days I do go for “time out” walks, exercise, play, yoga, journaling, etc. But when I’m really mad, I want to smack something and yell, so it’s out to the garage, grab the punching gloves and have at it  I say that by embracing anger, we can allow ourselves (give ourselves permission) to be ok with it. Expressing anger in a non-detrimental way is a good, normal and healthy thing to do!


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