# How to get your wife to initiate



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yesterday I was listening to the Dan Savage podcast and a guy called in saying his partner had a Fireman fantasy and so he went all out to fulfill the fantasy - even bought a sledge hammer. This guy was lamenting that his partner didn't seem to want to reciprocate. His fantasy was that his partner would be "more dominant" in the bedroom and generally initiate more.

Dan's advice was this: your partner doesn't know what your fantasy is if all you're saying is "be more dominant and initiate more." A fireman fantasy has a built in "checklist" of things you can do - fireman hat, crackling fire sound track, sledgehammer strip tease, etc. but when you ask your partner to "initiate more" they don't know exactly what you're asking because they don't know what they are supposed to do. Grab your junk? Send you sexy texts? Put on lingerie? 

Guys, you want your wife to be specific with requests and this is a case where you need to do that for her to.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Yesterday I was listening to the Dan Savage podcast and a guy called in saying his partner had a Fireman fantasy and so he went all out to fulfill the fantasy - even bought a sledge hammer. This guy was lamenting that his partner didn't seem to want to reciprocate. His fantasy was that his partner would be "more dominant" in the bedroom and generally initiate more.
> 
> Dan's advice was this: your partner doesn't know what your fantasy is if all you're saying is "be more dominant and initiate more." A fireman fantasy has a built in "checklist" of things you can do - fireman hat, crackling fire sound track, sledgehammer strip tease, etc. but when you ask your partner to "initiate more" they don't know exactly what you're asking because they don't know what they are supposed to do. Grab your junk? Send you sexy texts? Put on lingerie?
> 
> *Guys, you want your wife to be specific with requests and this is a case where you need to do that for her to*.


Easier said than done. While my wife and I have an extremely active sex life, this is one area I would love to see an improvement. I have given specifics in things I would absolutely love to no avail, and for the most part, I have learned to accept it about her. She is just more the passive initiator type.

I would absolutely love a strip tease. I would love for her to come into the home office when I am working and just start to go to town on me. I have vocalized both those things.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Sam, what if you say to her "Babe, I would love a strip tease at least once a week: (or once a month whatever). Would that qualify as an intiation for you? On the one hand it would put it in her mind to actually do it within this time frame but it would still be somewhat spontaneous because you would not know when its coming (unless its day 7 or day 30, LOL)


Some people are schedule minded. It wouldn't matter what it is, some people function to schedules. If I initiate holding hands, smiling, taking her out to dinners, without a schedule, does that make it better than if I sat down one day and said, "I will schedule all my dates with her this week." I mean, the thought it still there, it's just planned ahead of time to make sure I do not forget.

Does that mean it's not sincere or initiated, because I used a reminder or schedule?

I think scheduling or reminders is a good way to get your spouse to initiate.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Sam, what if you say to her "Babe, I would love a strip tease at least once a week: (or once a month whatever). Would that qualify as an intiation for you? On the one hand it would put it in her mind to actually do it within this time frame but it would still be somewhat spontaneous because you would not know when its coming (unless its day 7 or day 30, LOL)


Oh absolutely that would qualify as initiation. I'm not the type that has the mindset that it doesn't count if I have to ask. Hell, I'd love it if I said "Babe, I want to see you in that one outfit with those stripper heels, and watch you take it all off for me." and her do it right then...come to think of it, that hasn't worked either when I've tried it 

She doesn't really have any hangups about my opinion of her body because she loves posing for the camera, loves watching in the mirror. I think at least part of her hang up in doing a strip tease for me is she feels awkward, possibly intimidated, because she enjoys going to the strip club and watching. I have let her know that I would love for her to do that for me, and have been trying to build her up in that regard, letting her know how graceful I think she is, how sensual her movements are. I am also pretty sure it is not a variant on the madonna/wh0re complex, but I also know there is only so much I can do to help her break her inhibitions.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I've never had a problem with a wife or gf not initiating. Even my ex from my sexless marriage would occasionally initiate - the real problem was that I was consistently rejected almost every time I did. In this relationship, initiation is about 50/50, and it's _extremely _rare to be turned down.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Oh absolutely that would qualify as initiation. I'm not the type that has the mindset that it doesn't count if I have to ask. Hell, I'd love it if I said "Babe, I want to see you in that one outfit with those stripper heels, and watch you take it all off for me." and her do it right then...come to think of it, that hasn't worked either when I've tried it
> 
> She doesn't really have any hangups about my opinion of her body because she loves posing for the camera, loves watching in the mirror. I think at least part of her hang up in doing a strip tease for me is she feels awkward, possibly intimidated, because she enjoys going to the strip club and watching. I have let her know that I would love for her to do that for me, and have been trying to build her up in that regard, letting her know how graceful I think she is, how sensual her movements are. I am also pretty sure it is not a variant on the madonna/wh0re complex, but I also know there is only so much I can do to help her break her inhibitions.


I was in Las Vegas earlier this month and took a Stripper 101 class. Before I took that class I would not have attempted to do a strip tease because I didn't have confidence that I knew the right moves - it isn't about my body so much but my confidence about my ability to move provocatively. The class was well worth it. (hint hint)


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Some people are schedule minded. It wouldn't matter what it is, some people function to schedules. If I initiate holding hands, smiling, taking her out to dinners, without a schedule, does that make it better than if I sat down one day and said, "I will schedule all my dates with her this week." I mean, the thought it still there, it's just planned ahead of time to make sure I do not forget.
> 
> Does that mean it's not sincere or initiated, because I used a reminder or schedule?
> 
> I think scheduling or reminders is a good way to get your spouse to initiate.


Thank you thank you thank you. In my sexless marriage I thought that scheduled sex would have been a great solution to our issues. ex H didn't like that idea because it lacked spontaneity. Problem was, he didn't like me initiating and he only "spontaneously" initiated once a month.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I was in Las Vegas earlier this month and took a Stripper 101 class. Before I took that class I would not have attempted to do a strip tease because I didn't have confidence that I knew the right moves - it isn't about my body so much but my confidence about my ability to move provocatively. The class was well worth it. (hint hint)


Very interesting. Can you create a YouTube demo video and post the link here?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Easier said than done. While my wife and I have an extremely active sex life, this is one area I would love to see an improvement. I have given specifics in things I would absolutely love to no avail, and for the most part, I have learned to accept it about her. * She is just more the passive initiator type.*
> 
> I would absolutely love a strip tease. I would love for her to come into the home office when I am working and just start to go to town on me. I have vocalized both those things.


What is a passive initiator? 

Please don't start focusing on the things she won't do. That's a quick way to make yourself dissatisfied with all that she does do. "I do the best I can, and it's still not enough, he's never satisfied," is not something you want her to start thinking about your sex life.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> What is a passive initiator?
> 
> Please don't start focusing on the things she won't do. That's a quick way to make yourself dissatisfied with all that she does do. "*I do the best I can, and it's still not enough, he's never satisfied*," is not something you want her to start thinking about your sex life.


Absolutely right in this, which is why I never push.

The closest I have come to being turned down or rejected is the very few times she falls asleep if I am giving her a massage, otherwise, it's always go time, and we have sex 10-15 times a week.

By passive initiation, I mean things like getting into bed naked, her being naked under the covers when I come into the bedroom, subtle grinding into me if we are spooning..

It is extremely rare that she will aggressively initiate in a take me now sort of way, throw me on the bed and jump on.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Very interesting. Can you create a YouTube demo video and post the link here?


:lol:

No.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> ,
> Guys, you want your wife to be specific with requests and this is a case where you need to do that for her to.


This is great advice and I have tried it, but it didn't work for me. Me being a female wanting her male partner to initiate, try new things. 

Examples for him to initiate (PG version of cours):
- I would love it if you initiated by walking in the door and just grabbing me and taking me right there. Then I go on to explain what "taking" means as well (in case he did not know.) 

This has never happened.

- I would love it if you initiated by kissing me passionately and then deciding what position you want by placing me in that position and then entering me in any place you choose. He knows what my boundaries are and I have told him he never has to "ask" if I want sex. I always do. 

This has never happened. 


Example of trying new things:
- restraining him with handcuffs or other items, being dominant towards him. His response tells me he loves it. I asked him afterward, did he like these things and he said YES. I tell him I would like it if he did these things to me too.

This has never happened. 

Oh and my funny firefighter story. For Halloween once (at home) I dressed up as a firefighter..fishnets, heels, the whole nine yards. I came downstairs and said/did something very blatant.... and he didn't say a word, just continued to watch TV. I consoled myself with chocolate that day. lol


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Samyeager, Buy her this for Christmas.......the gift that keeps on giving

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