# Did my husband have emotional affair and I am I over reacting?



## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

Hi there.
My husband and I have been married over a year, but we have been tighter for 6 years. I think his emotional affair lasted about 2 years. For these two years we had a pretty rough. I was going through a lot of things with my family. On top of family problems I was working for our family business which closed down. 
My husband and I will was still dating when this colleague started working with him. We had a very good relationship and my husband always get compliments from other women about how great husband he is. 
Our first big fight happen when I found a pair of panties in my cub broad that wasn't mine. Needless to say I don't know where it came from but I am also sure that he didn't cheat on me. That day I phoned him at work and this colleague over heard him talking on the phone and started asking him questions and he told her. From this point onwards they started this relationship. I started becoming more and more jealous and I wasn't sure why. He always reassured me that they were just good friends. We got engaged and a year later we got married. On our honeymoon she contacted him almost every day. I started to get annoyed and he deleted the message. I was also at fault, because when we fought I said he could go speak to her as she made him feel better.
This continued for a year and I finally reached appoint where I was about to walk out. I then starting doing research and come across an article about emotional affairs. I mailed him the article and he read is and said he think it is actually what happen. Even though he admitted I knew there was something he was hiding. He eventually told me that they flirted and there was an incident where he got a lift home with her and he started to feel uncomfortable and felt like he was having an affair.
There is obviously a lot more to the story but I feel like I have outlined the points. He has since the stop discussing our private life with her and stopped talking about her. I feel that he needs to get a another job as I think she won’t stop trying to get him back. I am I overacting? Was this just a close friend? If it was an emotional affair should I leave him?


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I am sorry to say this, but this is more than emotional affair.

It is very likely that they have a full blown physical affair, hence the panties in your closet.
Emotional affairs do not stay emotional for 2 years if they work together.

Please order the book Not Just Friends from Shirley Glass and read it immediately-it will help you.
He is cheating on you and you need to find out what your choices are......


PS. When my OH was discovered talking to OW and discussing private conversations with her, I gave him an ultimatum. He then took the fully physical affair underground for 18 months.
I just wish I read the above book when I discovered him first.....


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## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

Are you sure? I spoke to a lot of my friends are they are convinced he is not a cheater. He thought it was a good friendship. I am I being silly here?


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

TK87 said:


> Are you sure? I spoke to a lot of my friends are they are convinced he is not a cheater. He thought it was a good friendship. I am I being silly here?



Forget what your friends are telling you. Some might want to protect you from being hurt. 
What does your gut feeling tell you?
Get the book. Can you both go and see MC?


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## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

My gut tells me is not cheating. Knowing him he thought they where friends. Who is MC


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## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

aah got marriage consoler. I just spoke to him and said we should and he is busy looking for a new job.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> Forget what your friends are telling you. *Some might want to protect you from being hurt. *
> What does your gut feeling tell you?
> Get the book. Can you both go and see MC?


that, or they may be carrying on inappropriate relationships elsewhere and are justifying them to you (and themselves).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TK87 said:


> My gut tells me is not cheating. Knowing him he thought they where friends. Who is MC


Even if it doesn't become a PA, EAs are toxic to a marriage:

1. You do all the work in the relationship, but she gets the better, happier and probably more generous side of him. and better still (for her), she either has another man (if she is in a relationship) to "service" her (emotionally, physically, financially) or she still has the freedom to keep looking around.

2. He may start comparing you to her, and you will always come up short.

3. He will seek advice from her as to how to conduct your marriage. since she has a stake in your marriage, imagine how her advice to him will be filtered.

4. Out in public, people may start confusing her for your husband's wife..... even when you are there as well.

5. He may start using the household budget to make major payments for any gifts / handouts/ whatever to protect her / compensate for what a witch you are to her / whatever.

there's more.... it's a real mess. EA's are not innocent additions to any marriage. and she will also think that she is hot sh!t because she gets all this without even having_ to put out _(to him).


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## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Even if it doesn't become a PA, EAs are toxic to a marriage:
> 
> 1. You do all the work in the relationship, but she gets the better, happier and probably more generous side of him. and better still (for her), she either has another man (if she is in a relationship) to "service" her (emotionally, physically, financially) or she still has the freedom to keep looking around.
> 
> ...


I feel like he did compare me to her and she was very clever in saying things like "Oh i am not like that". Her husband doesn't give her the emotional support that she needs and got it from my husband! In way he was trying to help and both of us where idiots in thinking that it is ok, because I knew he was discussing it with her. (He told me) I think we should go see mc.

I just hope that I am not being stupid and giving him a second chance will not end up badly


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

if you get some concrete texts or emails, you should share them with the OW's husband.

If it were me, I would want to know about my wife's EA or PA.


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## TK87 (May 26, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> if you get some concrete texts or emails, you should share them with the OW's husband.
> 
> If it were me, I would want to know about my wife's EA or PA.


I would love to, but there is none. They work in the same office so they didn't text much. I only know the things my husband told me and this makes me even more concern.

There where a few message which was erased and I went through all his emails couldn't find a thing!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

TK87 said:


> ....I found a pair of panties in my cub broad that wasn't mine.....On our honeymoon she contacted him almost every day.....
> This continued for a year......


Some facts. 

1) Yes, they were having sex.

2) Yes, she clearly loved him.

3) Yes, he is a betrayer who is still lying to you.

4) Yes, given 1-3, a divorce is in order.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

TK87 said:


> I would love to, but there is none. They work in the same office so they didn't text much. I only know the things my husband told me and this makes me even more concern.
> 
> There where a few message which was erased and I went through all his emails couldn't find a thing!!


In my case I \put a VAR in his car and periodically checked his phone which was clean.
The VAR did not pick anything as all contact was done via office email.

I would have a word with her husband. In retrospect if I knew her name, I would have gone to her husband and would have killed the affair 3 months in.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Our first big fight happen when I found a pair of panties in my cub broad that wasn't mine. Needless to say I don't know where it came from but I am also sure that he didn't cheat on me._

Maybe they were a promotional giveaway attached to a box of Cheerios?

Get real, please.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Looking from the outside in...I havent read your entire post but I will say this... You found panties that were not yours, no other explanation of how they got there. You are 100% positive he hasnt cheated on you. The only other explanation for finding panties that do not belong to you is that your husband likes to wear them himself. How can you be so sure he didnt/hasnt/is cheat/cheating on you??

Love makes you so blind that even though your gut tells you something is off, we ignore it because they would never do that.. You are not tripping. Its happening and you are not seeing whats going on.

think about it...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

In my opinion it was/is more then an emotional affair. Waywords always, always tell you what you already know. Like oh we are "just" friends nothing more. Nothing happened, "I" havent done anything wrong etc.... If they were just friends on your honey moon why would she text him everyday? If he were only my friend id leave him alone so he could enjoy is wife with out being bothered.. She is MORE then his friend. I wouldnt be at all surprised if hes been sleeping with her the entire time..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TK87 said:


> Our first big fight happen when I found a pair of panties in my cub broad that wasn't mine. Needless to say I don't know where it came from but I am also sure that he didn't cheat on me.


Yes you're over reacting. It's perfectly normal to find unidentified womens underwear in random places around the house. I find them all the time. I figure it's just the underwear fairy working overtime a bit. nothing whatsoever to be concerned about here.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

How do you rationalize that there was a pair of women's underwear in your house? What are you telling yourself to make you pretend he isn't cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TK87 said:


> Are you sure? I spoke to a lot of my friends are they are convinced he is not a cheater. He thought it was a good friendship. I am I being silly here?


Finding another woman's underwear in your house is a HUGE indicator of a physical affair. Not just an affair, but one that is happening IN YOUR HOME.

Sometimes affair partners purposely leave things like to mark their territory and in hopes of breaking up the primary relationship. I'm not sure but I think that women do this more than men.

You are being naïve. 

How do your friends now if he is cheating? Cheating is usually characterized by sneaking around and lying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you I'd put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Use heavy duty, adhesive back Velcro to hold it in place. After a few days check it. People in affairs often use their car as a private phone booth for affairs while driving around.

What kinds of activities does your husband do with out you? What days of the week does he do these things?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So I assume you guys lived together when you found the panties. What explanation was given that satisfied you? Did you have a girls weekend at the house? Did either of you have out of town family over? Who's panties were they? 

Because other than what I listed above the only other plausible explanation is he had another woman over. A woman who at some point took off her clothes. I don't need to spell out the rest do I?

And, it just so happens, when he is discussing the panty situation with the female coworker, it leads to a 2 year EA with her? Thats some lousy luck. I bet the panties are the same size as what this chickadee wears
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are some red flags, here.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

First off...What kind of woman leaves their panties at some guy's house? Especially if she knows he is married? 

Secondly, This has been going on for 2 years. It is not an EA any more. Men don't stick with EAs for that long! Especially if they work together!


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I want to know is why would someone put panties in a cup board??? Was this a setup? What did their clothes explode in the kitchen? Was the panties stuck to his hand as he reached for a cup?


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