# My husband thinks he can save our marriage...



## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

I have been married 6 years and the last 5 years have been hell for me. We have no kids, separate finances, nothing we have together is joint because that's the way he wanted it...which was fine with me. The marriage has definitely gone downhill. Examples include....he's a drunk and does not have a little voice inside that tells him when it's time to stop....he stopped having sex with me 4 years ago and gives me every excuse in the book, he's too tired, not clean, doesn't feel like...he smokes pot which wouldn't be a big deal if he did it once in a while instead of multiple times a day as a way to escape from something, he doesn't support me when his family or friends are rude to me, he's a mama's boy...the list goes on...

So over the years I tell him how unhappy I am, he says he will change, nothing happens. We even saw a marriage therapist which did nothing for him. I told him if the marriage therapist couldn't help him change his ways, I would be seeking divorce.

My husband has it really good right now. He gets everything he wants from our marriage and I don't. I retained a lawyer and told my husband so he isn't shocked to find out when he gets served with paperwork. He is in denial. He keeps wanting to pretend everything is fine. I told him today that a divorce is going to happen because I hate this marriage. He told me he doesn't want a divorce and he thinks he can fix it. HA! My question to anyone who have gone through something similar is....what do I do if I want the divorce and he doesn't?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You don't need his acquiescence. Press on, a divorce sounds like it's best. Only you know for sure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH, a serial cheater, didn’t want a divorce either and he fought it for awhile. My response was that it was too late to fix things and a divorce was happening. Your husband may choose to contest it, and drag it out and make it expensive, but he can’t stop you.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Men want a wife AND a girlfriend. They want you to live in their house and be their servant, who doesn't want free, full time help? He's getting sex from women he likes and using you as the help. Some things are worse than being alone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha ha....my ex did the same thing. Nobody buries their head in the sand like my loser ex.

He'd paint a phony smile on his face and walk around the elephant in the room to talk about sports and the weather. 

When I finally told him we were done he'd been a jerk the night before, played dumb, painted that same phony smile on his face and tried to put his hand on my knee. I told him to get his hand off of me and we were done.

I then got the same as you.....he can fix this and would I give him 6 months. I said no and he proceeded to ignore me, tried to kiss me goodnight, then invited me up to bed. Just kept playing dumb.

I was sleeping in another room already. I went to a lawyer, had him served, then looked for a place to move. He played dumb until the very end. In fact, he wanted to spend Thanksgiving together while the papers were sitting on the judge's desk and kept commenting that he was glad we were still married. I said no.

We're both runners and I found out later that he was going to races and referring to "my wife". Didn't tell anyone in his family for a couple of months after the divorce and refused to take his ring off for months that I know of. Idiot kept a picture of him with his ring clearly visible for his FB profile picture.

So I understand dealing with one who lives in denial. He doesn't have to agree to anything. You file, have him served, find a place to go, and make sure your lawyer knows what you're dealing with.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

TexasMom1216 said:


> *Men* want a wife AND a girlfriend. They want you to live in their house and be their servant, who doesn't want free, full time help?


That is a broad stroke you just painted.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> *Men want a wife AND a girlfriend*. They want you to live in their house and be their servant, who doesn't want free, full time help? He's getting sex from women he likes and using you as the help. Some things are worse than being alone.


Your brush is so wide you're painting me, my wife, and my girlfriends as well as every other male at the same time.

I want a wife, and also want her to be my girlfriend. 

Not all men are the same.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

re16 said:


> That is a broad stroke you just painted.





manwithnoname said:


> Your brush is so wide you're painting me, my wife, and my girlfriends as well as every other male at the same time.
> 
> I want a wife, and also want her to be my girlfriend.
> 
> Not all men are the same.


That is very fair. I apologize. SOME men want that. That was a broad and untrue generalization and it was careless of me to make it.

Also, not for nothing, I just learned how to use the multiquote feature and I'm pretty stoked about it. 

Sorry. 🥺


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That is very fair. I apologize. SOME men want that. That was a broad and untrue generalization and it was careless of me to make it.
> 
> Also, not for nothing, I just learned how to use the multiquote feature and I'm pretty stoked about it.
> 
> Sorry. 🥺


No problem, I just saw some of your other replies on another thread and your own. Take some time to think this all through. You can't just toss aside good advice based on one statement that may be true for some, but not for all. 

Again, a wide brush was used by the other member.......


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

kclark30 said:


> .what do I do if I want the divorce and he doesn't?


You do go through the divorce, period. If you want to divorce and you're sure that that's what you want you divorce,What he wants is irrelevant.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

kclark30 said:


> I have been married 6 years and the last 5 years have been hell for me. We have no kids, separate finances, nothing we have together is joint because that's the way he wanted it...which was fine with me. The marriage has definitely gone downhill. Examples include....he's a drunk and does not have a little voice inside that tells him when it's time to stop....he stopped having sex with me 4 years ago and gives me every excuse in the book, he's too tired, not clean, doesn't feel like...he smokes pot which wouldn't be a big deal if he did it once in a while instead of multiple times a day as a way to escape from something, he doesn't support me when his family or friends are rude to me, he's a mama's boy...the list goes on...
> 
> So over the years I tell him how unhappy I am, he says he will change, nothing happens. We even saw a marriage therapist which did nothing for him. I told him if the marriage therapist couldn't help him change his ways, I would be seeking divorce.
> 
> My husband has it really good right now. He gets everything he wants from our marriage and I don't. I retained a lawyer and told my husband so he isn't shocked to find out when he gets served with paperwork. He is in denial. He keeps wanting to pretend everything is fine. I told him today that a divorce is going to happen because I hate this marriage. He told me he doesn't want a divorce and he thinks he can fix it. HA! My question to anyone who have gone through something similar is....what do I do if I want the divorce and he doesn't?


What does he get from your marriage? Just curious because you mentioned at the end that he gets everything he wants.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Men want a wife AND a girlfriend. They want you to live in their house and be their servant, who doesn't want free, full time help? He's getting sex from women he likes and using you as the help. Some things are worse than being alone.


Some men, the buttholes they are, but not all men.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> What does he get from your marriage? Just curious because you mentioned at the end that he gets everything he wants.


Where do I start..? We both work, but its my responsibility to do all domestic chores…make him a lunch, dinner, grocery shopping with my own $$, clean the house, mow the yard and all outside landscaping stuff, taking out the garbage, I listen to all of his problems and fix any issue he has with his business or personally, i am his driver..drop him off and pick him up whenever he needs it, things like that. There is nothing he does for me…and I’ve asked countless times to help out. I feel like a mom and he is a child. I’m his slave, personal servant, whatever you want to call it. Two weeks ago he demanded a ride and I said no. He started to stonewall me. If I need a ride and ask him, he tells me to walk or take an uber. I’ve had enough!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Stop wasting your life on this guy and just start divorce proceedings because it takes a while to get through them and especially if he's going to drag his feet.


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## johnolive576 (Nov 10, 2021)

this is bad


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

kclark30 said:


> Where do I start..? We both work, but its my responsibility to do all domestic chores…make him a lunch, dinner, grocery shopping with my own $$, clean the house, mow the yard and all outside landscaping stuff, taking out the garbage, I listen to all of his problems and fix any issue he has with his business or personally, i am his driver..drop him off and pick him up whenever he needs it, things like that. There is nothing he does for me…and I’ve asked countless times to help out. I feel like a mom and he is a child. I’m his slave, personal servant, whatever you want to call it. Two weeks ago he demanded a ride and I said no. He started to stonewall me. If I need a ride and ask him, he tells me to walk or take an uber. I’ve had enough!


Yeah, it sounds pretty one-sided. Now, granted we only have your story, but at the very least stop doing things for him. 

You fix his personal and professional problems? What does that look like?


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Yeah, it sounds pretty one-sided. Now, granted we only have your story, but at the very least stop doing things for him.
> 
> You fix his personal and professional problems? What does that look like?


We used to talk about me doing everything and him doing nothing in marriage counseling. He has no problem acknowledging that he doesn't help out, he admits it. He just won't change his behavior. His professional problems are always IRS notices, having to apply for Covid grants for his business, there were years he was short staffed so I turned into free labor at a moments notice, etc. Personal problems I fix are everything having to do with his drinking...making excuses for him, baby-sitting him, trying to make sure he doesn't get a 3rd DUI. He went to a concert a couple of years ago with a friend and got drunk and missed his train. He actually wanted me to drive two hours one way at 1am to pick him and his friend up. I was sleeping so I didn't answer my phone. So happy I didn't. He had to take an uber instead.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

2 years into the marriage and a dead bedroom sounds horrible. May I ask how old you and your husband are?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kclark30 said:


> Where do I start..? We both work, but its my responsibility to do all domestic chores…make him a lunch, dinner, grocery shopping with my own $$, clean the house, mow the yard and all outside landscaping stuff, taking out the garbage, I listen to all of his problems and fix any issue he has with his business or personally, i am his driver..drop him off and pick him up whenever he needs it, things like that. There is nothing he does for me…and I’ve asked countless times to help out. I feel like a mom and he is a child. I’m his slave, personal servant, whatever you want to call it. Two weeks ago he demanded a ride and I said no. He started to stonewall me. If I need a ride and ask him, he tells me to walk or take an uber. I’ve had enough!


Why do you entertain any of this, tell him to piss off! You seem to have issues with being co-dependent (Read Co-Dependent No More by M. Beattie) and also set some boundaries for yourself.

Sounds like he may be a narcissistic alcoholic or an alcoholic narcissist or just a plain old alcoholic.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My word! You lasted 5 years longer than most women would have. What a useless waste of space he is. He doesn't even pretend to be a husband. Hell, he doesn't even pretend to be an adult. Get the divorce rolling and stop doing anything for him. He is in for a rude awakening.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

Captain Obvious said:


> 2 years into the marriage and a dead bedroom sounds horrible. May I ask how old you and your husband are?


Sure! I am 44 and he is 54. Our marriage counselor suggested he get his T levels checked, but he doesn’t want to. He swears that he is fine. I think the alcohol and marijuana are contributors.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

aine said:


> Why do you entertain any of this, tell him to piss off! You seem to have issues with being co-dependent (Read Co-Dependent No More by M. Beattie) and also set some boundaries for yourself.
> 
> Sounds like he may be a narcissistic alcoholic or an alcoholic narcissist or just a plain old alcoholic.


I used to have really low self esteem, but I went to a therapist on my own who really helped me realize that I deserve more. I am not co-dependent. I just wanted to be a really good wife.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aine said:


> Sounds like he may be a narcissistic alcoholic or an alcoholic narcissist or just a plain old alcoholic.


Or, just a plain old asshole.


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