# So incredibly confused!



## JWB (May 29, 2019)

Hi - after a huge fight 3 weeks ago my husband and I agreed on separating to “gain some perspective”. He initially said he thought divorce was our only option. After cooling down from the fight I totally disagreed with divorce. One of the major reasons for our fight was his drinking, he also lost his job about 2 months ago. After the fight he agreed he had a serious drinking problem and was going to go to detox/rehab. He was insistent on renting an apartment with a short term lease (3 months) and going to rehab 4 hours away. During the 2 weeks leading up to separation we were very kind and supportive to each other. I tried to convince him going to rehab near home with my support was a better option but he said it would only work if he did it on his own. This would be his 3 trip to rehab for drugs/alcohol. The first 2 times were before we met. We had all the finances worked out for the separation and he agreed we would continue to talk via text and assured me he was “just a phone call away”. Basically the moment he left he must have blocked me because he didn’t respond to texts/calls. I knew from a mutual friend he was ok and arrived at his temporary new home. I believe he did the detox and as of today he indicated living in his new city on Facebook. Oh and he also stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks ago and removed that he was married to me on FB. I’m so confused and hurt! We have been married for 13 years and now he is totally ignoring me and removing me from his social media. What kind of person does that? I feel totally powerless over my own life! Our relationship has been mostly good with the exception of infidelity on his part 5 years ago. I feel like he has literally run away from our life together and it makes me feel totally insignificant. I’m totally lost & confused. I want our marriage to work but I can’t help feeling he wants OUT. Any advice. Thanks!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sounds like he has another woman on the side. Probably a repeat offender 

Why do you value this over yourself so much?

At this time you are on a fools errand.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

There's a lot of unanswered questions here. 

You say "I can’t help feeling he wants OUT". If he's blocked you and moved to another city, after asking for a divorce and taking his ring off, then yes, he does want out. 

It will be hard for you to process it because of the cruel way he's done it. You don't really know if he's even done rehab, and it typically takes many visits before someone recovers, if at all. Is he working a recovery programme (like 12 step or similar)? I guess you don't know. 

You need a lawyer, and you also need a support network, like friends or family. Maybe Al-anon, which supports partners of addicts. Are there any children involved?

"What kind of person does that?" - an addict. 

"I feel totally powerless over my own life!" Start taking control.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So other than him being a drunk cheater that loses jobs and abandons you without a word, things are ok??

Yyyeeeaahhhh. No. 

Take this as your final of many signs that he is not a good person and not good spouse material. 

This is your opportunity to get away and divorce him. Don't let it slip away. 

A lot of these people come out of rehab and show up on your doorstep making all these promises. don't fall for it. Get out now while you have a golden opportunity. 

If he comes out of rehab, stays sober and gainfully employed for 10 years and has built up a reasonable retirement account and solid work history and kept his peter in his pants for those ten years and he asks you out on a proper date - if you happen to be single at that time and want to consider it, go ahead. It's your risk. 

But I wouldn't advise anything until he has shown a solid track record of sobriety, steady, gainful employment and sexual fidelity for 10 years before being around him again.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry. I'm sure that must hurt. 

You do need to take back some control. I would start by filing for divorce yourself. If things work out you can always stop the process. But you need to let him know that you won't be waiting around for him to come to his senses. You're not up on a shelf waiting for his return. 

*hugs*


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sorry but i think you should file for a divorce. You said it yourself-- he was running away from a life with you.. But that's great he went to rehab but sooo far away!! Again, I would visit an attorney and move on the best you can. If he comes around again, I would not take him back at all as he has hurt you one too many times.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JWB said:


> Basically the moment he left he must have blocked me because he didn’t respond to texts/calls. I knew from a mutual friend he was ok and arrived at his temporary new home. I believe he did the detox and as of today he indicated living in his new city on Facebook. Oh and he also stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks ago and removed that he was married to me on FB.


Did he ever tell you the name of the detox/rehab facility? If so, I'd check to see if he actually went there. From the sounds of it, this was an outpatient center, which is the reason he got an apartment. HOWEVER ...



JWB said:


> I’m so confused and hurt! We have been married for 13 years and now he is totally ignoring me and removing me from his social media. What kind of person does that?


Ever heard the saying, "You can tell when an alcoholic is lying, because his mouth is moving and sound is coming out"? My gut tells me he may never have even bothered to go to rehab. Instead, he is getting cozy with his new squeeze.



JWB said:


> I feel totally powerless over my own life! I feel like he has literally run away from our life together and it makes me feel totally insignificant. I’m totally lost & confused.


I've been married to TWO alcoholics. Here's one thing I learned about myself: THE ONLY THING OVER WHICH I CAN EXERT ANY POWER IS MY OWN LIFE. I can certainly understand your pain in this situation. But you have your own life, which is of great value, regardless of what you husband chooses to do. 

I'd check into which facility he supposedly went to. Sounds to me like he's shacking up with another woman.

P.S, - Al-Anon would be a great resource for you. I started going way back in 1996. I learned to put the focus on my own life, and leave the addict to pursue his.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

JWB said:


> Hi - after a huge fight 3 weeks ago my husband and I agreed on separating to “gain some perspective”. He initially said he thought divorce was our only option. After cooling down from the fight I totally disagreed with divorce. One of the major reasons for our fight was his drinking, he also lost his job about 2 months ago. After the fight he agreed he had a serious drinking problem and was going to go to detox/rehab. He was insistent on renting an apartment with a short term lease (3 months) and going to rehab 4 hours away. During the 2 weeks leading up to separation we were very kind and supportive to each other. I tried to convince him going to rehab near home with my support was a better option but he said it would only work if he did it on his own. This would be his 3 trip to rehab for drugs/alcohol. The first 2 times were before we met. We had all the finances worked out for the separation and he agreed we would continue to talk via text and assured me he was “just a phone call away”. Basically the moment he left he must have blocked me because he didn’t respond to texts/calls. I knew from a mutual friend he was ok and arrived at his temporary new home. I believe he did the detox and as of today he indicated living in his new city on Facebook. Oh and he also stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks ago and removed that he was married to me on FB. I’m so confused and hurt! We have been married for 13 years and now he is totally ignoring me and removing me from his social media. What kind of person does that? I feel totally powerless over my own life! Our relationship has been mostly good with the exception of infidelity on his part 5 years ago. I feel like he has literally run away from our life together and it makes me feel totally insignificant. I’m totally lost & confused. I want our marriage to work but I can’t help feeling he wants OUT. Any advice. Thanks!


I hate to say it, but it seems like he "gained some perspective". I do think this is typical behavior from someone who is spiraling and needs help, but he did make it clear where he stood. Maybe he connects the marriage to losing control again? Regardless, you both need to do what it takes to have a healthy and happy life.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm really sorry he treated you this way after you tried so hard to help him. Unfortunately I don't see any better explanations than the ones you arrived at. Clarity is painful at a time like this, but there is something to be said for clarity nonetheless.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

JWB,

I want you to imagine you are one of us reading your story ...... now read it again like you are someone else.

Everyone reading your story can outright see your husband is a piece of garbage.

Unless your the neighborhood garbage man ..... garbage has no place in your life.

You can do better for yourself ...... much much better.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wow. How devastating. I can’t even imagine this! What a coward! Who does something so selfish? Im so sorry for the pain you are experiencing sweetheart.

I’m guessing he has a girlfriend, in this town where he was supposedly going to “rehab”. She has probably already moved in with him. I would take a four hour drive this weekend and stake out his new place and see what he is up to. It’s not one good thing, but you already know that in your heart. 

This is a total loss, but I would still want to see it with my own eyes. I hope you will heal from this quickly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@JWB I could tell you what I think of your "husband" but I would have to ban myself.

Divorce him. You deserve a man not what you have.


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