# Opening up emotionally



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

What are some actions/exercises to open up emotionally?

I have been told several times that I have walls all around me which prevents emotional connection.

I am a divorced woman.
Thank you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I would start with counseling and go from there. Read books about relationship, and what they need to thrive.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

ne9907 said:


> I have been told several times that I have walls all around me which prevents emotional connection.
> 
> I am a divorced woman.
> Thank you.


Told several times by several people,, or several times by the guy you're divorced from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Told several times by several people,, or several times by the guy you're divorced from?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guy I divorced from, guy I dated for six months, another guy friend, and quite recently my therapist.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Probably need to focus on how to exercise trust and vulnerablity which are vital to openness and building attachments.

_Boundaries_ by Henry Cloud teaches that when we have no boundaries, we are easily overrun by others...as we let everything in, good or bad, and suffer because we aren't being protective of ourselves. On the other end, people who are being too guarded keep out both bad things and good things and suffer because they can't develop deep relationships or form attachments.

A balanced person can recognize what elements to keep out and what elements to allow in.

If you are a guarded person, then it means your walls go up for a reason...and frankly it probably seems unsafe to let that guard down. It can go down if we identify and recognize when you are putting up those walls and why...that way we can move away from just doing things automatically versus working on being open to things or people that you would like to have in your life.

You just have to be brave, because it is very easy to try and then start to feel too vulnerable, and then you start looking for reasons to sabotage it, pick fights, or run away at the first sign of a challenge, saying to yourself, "See? I tried! And you know what happens EVERY TIME, I get hurt, so F this! I'm not changing for any reason!"


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

OK - so do you feel like a furious ball of trapped emotions, or that others are looking for you to express stuff that you don't feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

How much sharing do they expect? Too much and it can be used to manipulate you. They have to earn your trust. So be friendly, act interested, show superficial feelings and see how it goes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *FormerSelf said:** Probably need to focus on how to exercise trust and vulnerablity which are vital to openness and building attachments.*


On this note...take a moment & watch this 20 minute video in the 1st link of this thread.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

This is the book discussed....it helps us understand *who to let in*.. *and who is not worthy to our secret places*... in making those deep connections ..it really puts things in perspective ... a great read. 

 The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

It's true...we need to very very very careful who we allow into our lives & deepest places of our ...many do not deserve our hearts.... .how we need to honor our struggle by only sharing with those who have *EARNED the right to hear us* ...this only comes with TIME.... building a foundation of trust...with mutual sharing...feeling anothers empathy as we slowly open up.....we won't feel like they are trying to FIX us, or just jumping to make us feel better, but genuinely listening...we may feel totally exposed ...yet completely loved & accepted at the same time.. this is what true compassion is. 

If we let our guard down too quickly, not knowing the character of another...sharing our most precious assets, that are deeply important to us and/or insecurities...(and we all have some)...it is deeply wounding if they take them, only to turn around and belittle us, trample us using what we've shared in Trust...against us... this would make anyone with an ounce of sensitivity (and goodness) to shield themselves, to back away ...to protect ourselves.....

Taken from the book.. *Author Brene Brown says *...


> "After collecting thousands of stories , I'm willing to call this a FACT: *A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men and children*. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love , to be loved, and to belong.
> 
> When these needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We NUMB...We ache...We hurt others. We get sick.
> 
> There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.


There is a section about NUMBING...she spend several hundred interviews trying to better understand the consequences of NUMBING & how "taking the edge off" behaviors is related to addiction...this is what she learned...



> *1*. Most of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not) that help us to numb and take the edge of off vulnerability, pain, and discomfort.
> 
> *2*. Addiction can be described as chronically & compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings..
> 
> *3.* We cannot selectively numb emotions.. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.





> "Recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with JOY, Gratitude, and Grace... I'm also learning that the uncomfortable and scary learning requires both spirit and RESILIENCE.










*>>* Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make someone resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after a misfortune, blessed with such an outlook, resilient people are able to change course and soldier on.

Just some food for thought on the subject of Vulnerability...


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> OK - so do you feel like a furious ball of trapped emotions, or that others are looking for you to express stuff that you don't feel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not feel like a furious ball of trapped motions, rather I feel as if others look at me to express stuff I do not feel. I actually thought I expressed my emotions with ex husband. He now says I didnt. 
Guy i dated, yes, I was emotionally detached but still expressed (or thught I did) how I felt about him.
It is complicated. 
Thank you all for the great input.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

ne9907 said:


> I do not feel like a furious ball of trapped motions, rather I feel as if others look at me to express stuff I do not feel. I actually thought I expressed my emotions with ex husband. He now says I didnt.
> Guy i dated, yes, I was emotionally detached but still expressed (or thught I did) how I felt about him.
> It is complicated.
> Thank you all for the great input.


While it's not something I've got a lot of grief about, I have had complaints about my 'failures' not to get emotional about stuff. It's not that I'm unemotional, I'm just not invested in the same issue they are.

When I am 'emotional' about something, I have a fix-it routine. Anything I can do right away I do. If I can't do something - like call a company at the weekend - I plan to call them Monday and not even think about it over the weekend.

By such means, I maintain an even keel. Things wind me up but I sort them out as swiftly as possible. I don't accumulate angst so I appear as 'always calm'.

It seems to me - and maybe to you - that there's no reason for me to show more emotion that I'm not feeling,, but for other to work on organising their coping skills better to avoid being in a perpetual state of 'highly strung'.

Don't let others make you feel bad about not feeling it, NE99. So long as you're feeling yours, let them worry about theirs. Don't be dragged into somebody elses fretting,,, or even their notions of when you ought to be fretting.

I don't think there's much - or anything - wrong with you. You've done fine (anon) in this thread. In real life, if you have to wait on people earning your trust, so be it, but don't be falling for being told you're a 'cold fish' just because you're not feeling their drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ne9907 said:


> I do not feel like a furious ball of trapped motions, rather I feel as if others look at me to express stuff I do not feel. I actually thought I expressed my emotions with ex husband. He now says I didnt.
> Guy i dated, yes, I was emotionally detached but still expressed (or thught I did) how I felt about him.
> It is complicated.
> Thank you all for the great input.


Have you expressed just that - _I feel as if you look at me to express stuff that I do not feel_..? 


You may not relate to this but I thought I was pretty open, just to discover that I needed to be more open. Classic example of my past behavior would be to turn inwards to think things through. It wasn't meant as shutting down. I was working through my own stuff first. Of course that leaves the other person (my husband, for example) unintentionally excluded from that. What I've learned to now do, is express the awkward and sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings as I work through them myself, and let my husband in on that, rather than processing first and then opening up to him afterwards. 

As a child, I retreated to music. As an adult, I've learned that I don't need to retreat and discovered my husband (and friends) are there for me with help and support, and reality checks as needed. I don't need to have it figured out by myself. That has been a valuable thing for me to learn and understand. I also think it contributes to being more assertive and building trust.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> *Have you expressed just that -* _I feel as if you look at me to express stuff that I do not feel_..?
> 
> 
> You may not relate to this but I thought I was pretty open, just to discover that I needed to be more open. Classic example of my past behavior would be to turn inwards to think things through. It wasn't meant as shutting down. I was working through my own stuff first. Of course that leaves the other person (my husband, for example) unintentionally excluded from that. What I've learned to now do, is express the awkward and sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings as I work through them myself, and let my husband in on that, rather than processing first and then opening up to him afterwards.
> ...


Actually I have. I did just that with the guy I dated for about six months. At one point be began to tell me something I thought was too personal and I cut off, but I also explained that I was extremely awkward with my feelings.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> Guy I divorced from, guy I dated for six months, another guy friend, and quite recently my therapist.



Find out why the walls exist in the first place. A good therapist can help you discover why if you're willing to do so.

Walls can exist due to childhood, family, cultural, religious, Etc reasons, or personalities (super introvert), communication skills, and a myriad other issues.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> On this note...take a moment & watch this 20 minute video in the 1st link of this thread..
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html
> 
> ...


a lot of good information in this post. looking at your last numbered series 1-3, I would add:

4. another term for the numbing of emotions is 'depression.' 

that's essentially what depression is - not sadness (which is an emotion) but 'numbness.' that's why the worst result of depression is loss of caring for anything in life, loss of all motivation generally. anyway that's my experience, unfortunately.

I've been told I should try to get involved in areas where my emotions do seem to be much nearer the surface. the theory is that experiencing any kind of emotion in any context can be generally helpful to the 'numbed' person. can open the door for emotional connection in other situations. e.g. in my case, for whatever reason the needs of animals, or the abuse of animals brings on feelings of sadness fairly quickly, dogs in particular. so I'm thinking of volunteering at an animal rescue center. which I have yet to do, since it's hard for me to motivate myself to do anything. viscious cycle......


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Expressing emotions is awkward if one isn't used to it. 

I got a Labrador pup 3 weeks ago. Things I don't post or share with anyone, I say it to the puppy. 

And yeah, I named the puppy Nibbles. It keeps chewing up my shoes. ☺


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Find out why the walls exist in the first place. A good therapist can help you discover why if you're willing to do so.
> 
> Walls can exist due to childhood, family, cultural, religious, Etc reasons, or personalities (super introvert), communication skills, and a myriad other issues.


I know the reason I have emotional walls. 
I am also very open with my friends not so much with family members or romantic relationships. 
If I do not see a romantic potential with a man, I am extremely open and caring. However, if I "like" a man, I retreat into my shell.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's the exact opposite of what one would expect  

Given it happens with family members also, is there something between you and your family that needs to be discussed or resolved?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> What are some actions/exercises to open up emotionally?
> 
> I have been told several times that I have walls all around me which prevents emotional connection.
> 
> ...


Create a journal entry of all the things you want others to know about you. Add to this list everytime you whisper your secrets to yourself. Then very carefully decide who you can trust, and share a little of yourself at a time. Kindest Regards-


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> That's the exact opposite of what one would expect
> 
> Given it happens with family members also, is there something between you and your family that needs to be discussed or resolved?


Yes there is, but I do not even know how to begin discussing this. 



Jung_admirer said:


> Create a journal entry of all the things you want others to know about you. Add to this list everytime you whisper your secrets to yourself. Then very carefully decide who you can trust, and share a little of yourself at a time. Kindest Regards-


I really like this idea. I will do this. Thanks


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> Yes there is, but I do not even know how to begin discussing this.



That could be resolved via IC but it's a good start that you identify the root cause.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> That could be resolved via IC but it's a good start that you identify the root cause.


I am doing IC. I have identified the cause, but most times i do not care to resolve it.

I know I was raised with the inability to connect with my feelings and the knowledge to disregard any feeling at all whether positive or negative. Most times, I do not wish to explore it and feel like saying "fvck it!" I am done trying.

I did my best with ex husband, I thought we were very emotionally connected. Apparently, I was duped for 15 years because he never had any complaints until I left him.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well... Some emotions or feelings are useful. Can you see yourself starting to enjoy emotions of any kind - i.e. get a cat or dig or take up a creative or emotional hobby - and see if that helps?

I love art, and even tho I'm not very emotional I can feel my emotions stirred by good art. Maybe you can try that?


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