# Am I expecting too much?



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Together 6 years
Married 2 1/2 years

We have a 4 year old. 

My husband works a lot. 7 days a week/60+ hours a week. I also work full time and do most of the taking care of our son as well as all of the cooking and cleaning, laundry, etc. 

Im lonely. The subject has come up a few times in the past. He works so much so I really feel guilty pushing it on him and tend not to bring it up so often. 

At night after our son is in bed (8:30pm), I want to spend time together. We will put on a movie but hes literally asleep in 10 minutes or we'll have sex and then he'll fall asleep.

He works 6am-2pm and I dont get home till 6pm. He has over 3 hours to nap if he wanted to before I get home with our son. But he doesn't. 

Ive also mentioned to him that if our friends invite us to go out and drink, he will always want to go. He has no problem staying up till 3am to drink and getting up for work in the morning. But to stay up to spend time with me, forget it. 

He finally has a day off today and yesterday was saying that we could hang out all night cause he didnt have to get up early. To no surprise he was passed out by 9pm. And I was and am upset. 

I did go outside of my marriage to an old boyfriend for someone to talk to. Maybe I needed attention, whatever it was, it was nice to be able to talk to someone. When it started escalating into more then a friendship, I immediatly blocked his number and his facebook and cut off talking to him. My husband found out about us getting back in contact after I had already ended the friendship. He was upset but he saw that I ended it and he almost seemed as if he understood why it started in the first place. After this he really became very loving and made an effort to spend time with me. That lasted a quick week before he was back to his ways. 

Am I out of line to be upset about this? Am I expecting too much from him?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Wow this sounds familiar, exactly what I did to my wife. I guarantee you he has no idea that this is a deathblow to your marriage, he things he's doing his part im sure. Your not expecting to much, but if you could reach out to him the way you could your former ex, you wouldn't be in this situation. Sometimes you just need to look at him and YELL!!!! IM LONELY, spend time with me DAMMIT!!! Let him know your hurting for real, not in a I know your busy too kinda way. Address it now, or you'll lose a whole decade or two like I did.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



Thumper said:


> Wow this sounds familiar, exactly what I did to my wife. I guarantee you he has no idea that this is a deathblow to your marriage, he things he's doing his part im sure. Your not expecting to much, but if you could reach out to him the way you could your former ex, you wouldn't be in this situation. Sometimes you just need to look at him and YELL!!!! IM LONELY, spend time with me DAMMIT!!! Let him know your hurting for real, not in a I know your busy too kinda way. Address it now, or you'll lose a whole decade or two like I did.


Talking doesn't seem to work. I've bluntly told him that I'm lonely. Things will change for a little while, but his routine quickly falls back into place. What else can I do?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

blunt is one thing, yelling it at him, might show him just how serious you are about it, maybe not. If something doesn't work, change it, so your next step would be to tell him he needs to move out, and that you want a trial separation. You want to reaccess the commitment to the marriage for a little while. Then you need to work the 180 plan. The Healing Heart: The 180 something to shake him up a bit. He just doesn't get how serious this is for you. I did same thing exactly, till my wife said it was too late to make a difference.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



Thumper said:


> blunt is one thing, yelling it at him, might show him just how serious you are about it, maybe not. If something doesn't work, change it, so your next step would be to tell him he needs to move out, and that you want a trial separation. You want to reaccess the commitment to the marriage for a little while. Then you need to work the 180 plan. The Healing Heart: The 180 something to shake him up a bit. He just doesn't get how serious this is for you. I did same thing exactly, till my wife said it was too late to make a difference.


Ask him to move out? I feel thats extreme. We have a young child at home. There has to be another way to get this through to him.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

like I said, if what your doing isn't working, DO something else. You need a bit of shock therapy, just the words trial separation might be the shock you need to get his attention. I didn't say he has to move, the threat might be enough? but be prepared, he might just take you up on it. A separation can be good for a marriage actually, if you both use the time to work on the issues.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

So your H works an 8 hour day and he's full blown tired in bed by 9? That's silliness.

My H works 10-12 hour days 7 days a week, and he will stay up until 10:00 every night, sometimes later depending on whether we want to talk longer. We also run around every weekend do a lot of things together with our kids. Watch movies, go shopping, swimming, etc.

You sure he's not doing some extracurricular activities after he gets home at 2 pm? You have a computer. How long has he been acting this way?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



somethingelse said:


> So your H works an 8 hour day and he's full blown tired in bed by 9? That's silliness.
> 
> My H works 10-12 hour days 7 days a week, and he will stay up until 10:00 every night, sometimes later depending on whether we want to talk longer. We also run around every weekend do a lot of things together with our kids. Watch movies, go shopping, swimming, etc.
> 
> You sure he's not doing some extracurricular activities after he gets home at 2 pm? You have a computer. How long has he been acting this way?


He's pretty much always been like this I think with the exception of our old wild party days I think its finally just starting to bother me. I dont know what he does when he gets home, but we have sex 4-5 times a week, so im not worried.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



Thumper said:


> like I said, if what your doing isn't working, DO something else. You need a bit of shock therapy, just the words trial separation might be the shock you need to get his attention. I didn't say he has to move, the threat might be enough? but be prepared, he might just take you up on it. A separation can be good for a marriage actually, if you both use the time to work on the issues.


It seems the only time I get lots of attention from him is when I get upset for not getting it. If im quiet and content then its like whatever to him. 

If he doesn't want to lose me, then why does he only put in effort when he thinks he might? 

I suppose I'll mention the idea of a trial seperation, its worth a try.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He works at 6. What time is up at? How old is he?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Are you expecting too much? Yes and no.

You're expecting too much from a person who works as many hours as he does, but your expectations for your marriage are fine. The problem is that your marriage expectations cannot be met when he is working this much! 

Even though you feel hurt that he can stay up longer and later when you go out with friends, this is not an insult to you. It's easier to stay up when there is music, multiple people are talking, and you're in a public place. He sees you as someone he can RELAX with! So it's no surprise that he conks out when he is with you. 

I would encourage you to have a calm, non-blaming discussion that asks "What do we want for our family? How will we make that happen and still make family our #1 priority?" Explain that you don't blame HIM for his absence (emotionally or physically) but that you believe the job demands are driving a huge wedge between you. State clearly that you want to see a change, and ask him to provide possible solutions. Think of some solutions of your own, too, and make sure they require as much effort from you as from him.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



richie33 said:


> He works at 6. What time is up at? How old is he?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Up at 5. He's 26.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I am 40. I am up at 4:30 everyday. When I come home I help feed my two toddlers, bathe them, clean the house. By 9 I am dead tired. On my weekends I have my sons from the second they wake till they go to bed.
At 26 I would think I would have more energy but that 6-2 shift is tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



KathyBatesel said:


> Are you expecting too much? Yes and no.
> 
> You're expecting too much from a person who works as many hours as he does, but your expectations for your marriage are fine. The problem is that your marriage expectations cannot be met when he is working this much!
> 
> ...


I like your advice, but I dont even know where to begin. I do pretty much everything at home to make his life easier since he works so much. The only thing he has to do for himself at home is shower and dress himself. What else can I possibly do to make him less tired!? 

He gets 8 hours of sleep every night. I get about 6. I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, not to mention most of the taking care of our son, ontop of working an 8 hour job 5 days a week. My days off aren't even days off, I have a young child. 

He works an 8 hour job 7 days a week in which I should add is not labor intensive, nor stressful. Its more of a suit and tie desk job with a VERY laid back environment. 

If anything, I should be way more exhausted then he is. Being a parent to a young child is a lot harder then going to sit at a desk and work. And I do both. 

The other day he actually asked me where the toilet paper was. I forgot to restock under our bathroom sink and I keep the big pack on a shelf above my washing machine. Where's the toilet paper!?! I hadn't even realized how much I actually do until that moment.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



richie33 said:


> I am 40. I am up at 4:30 everyday. When I come home I help feed my two toddlers, bathe them, clean the house. By 9 I am dead tired. On my weekends I have my sons from the second they wake till they go to bed.
> At 26 I would think I would have more energy but that 6-2 shift is tough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you can do it at 40, he should be able to do it at his age. And you help with the kids ontop of it! I know everyone functions differently but I just feel like he should stay up a little later. Im not asking for 1am, but maybe 10pm?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think it's a good thing you work or you'd feel even more upset, you sound like you have lots of energy & knock yourself out keeping the household up so he can relax and not feel stressed at home.... I feel he could at least take a nap for those 3 hrs when he gets home before you - unless he is cooking or something...so he can squeeze in another couple hours at night with you..just not too much to ask... at least starting out a couple times a week. Unless he is cooking or something. 




> *Ano said*: Ive also mentioned to him that if our friends invite us to go out and drink, he will always want to go. He has no problem staying up till 3am to drink and getting up for work in the morning. But to stay up to spend time with me, forget it.


This would bother any wife... when she is craving more of her husband's time....his priorities are disheartening  ......why can he do this for the guys with a few hours sleep before work, but refuses or bulks at your request to take a snooze after getting home ...you've talked, reached out to an Ex - but his commitment to change the dynamics was very short lived....

When you tell him HOW MUCH it would mean to you, in a loving way....even though you are irritated at this point, how does he respond, change the subject, or promise and still fall asleep on you ? WHo is cooking dinner when you get home at 6pm ?


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it's a good thing you work or you'd feel even more upset, you sound like you have lots of energy & knock yourself out keeping the household up so he can relax and not feel stressed at home.... I feel he could at least take a nap for those 3 hrs when he gets home before you - unless he is cooking or something...so he can squeeze in another couple hours at night with you..just not too much to ask... at least starting out a couple times a week. Unless he is cooking or something.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He responds the same way everytime. He's sorry, he'll work on it, he loves me, etc. 

I cook everynight when I get home.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ano said:


> What else can I possibly do to make him less tired!?


You can't. He needs to find another job and act like his marriage and family are his priority. If he won't do that, you're stuck with what you've got.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Did y'all try doing the His Needs Her Need or 5 LLs or similar?

What does he do after you get home and the time he goes to sleep? You sound like a "quality time" type of person, like my wife. We cook together most nights. Would that be possible for you two? (I may have asked you that a few months ago, if so sorry.)


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



CharlieParker said:


> Did y'all try doing the His Needs Her Need or 5 LLs or similar?
> 
> What does he do after you get home and the time he goes to sleep? You sound like a "quality time" type of person, like my wife. We cook together most nights. Would that be possible for you two? (I may have asked you that a few months ago, if so sorry.)


He'll sit on the couch and watch tv with our son till dinners ready when I get home. After dinner if its not too late we'll all play uno or a board game. Then bath and bed. If it is too late, its just bath and bed time, we tuck him in together. Then its back to the couch for him and I join him, and 10 mins later he's asleep.


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## gardengirl (Apr 18, 2013)

Honey, I'm sorry to see this, you guys are young still! This sounds like a problem someone 20+ years in should be having.

To me, it sounds like boredom. Plenty of energy for the wild night on the town, but not the ho-hum home life. I think boredom affects the male persuasion more often than people think- heck, guys are supposed to go out and conquer, at least that's what it seems like. Does your man have any hobbies or interests? I think having something you are passionate about spills over to the rest of your life. It's a poor soul who's existence is home/work/home, rinse and repeat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is your husband working 7 days a week? Does he really need to do this to keep his job and to bring in his part of the family financial support?

There is no reason why he cannot be helping around the house with chores, cooking and the children. If you come home at 6 he could have dinner ready.

A couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together, just the two of them, to maintain the love/passion in their relationship. Of course you feel lonely, you are not getting the time with your husband that you need.

I suggest that you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it then get your husband to read it.

Generally, what gets something like this to turn around is when one spouse packs up an leaves. Sadly, the other does not pay attention to the complaints until that happens.

You need to get his attention one way or another and fix this or your marriage is doomed.


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## Julzwife (Feb 23, 2013)

I must commend you for putting in a lot of effort
to ensure that your marriage works out. However, you should realize that
no marriage is perfect no matter how hard you try, because there is no perfect spouse. That is why you have to keep trying and not give up. This will be an ongoing effort for as long as you will be married.

From what you have said and the fact that you still have a regular sex life it seems to me that you love your husband and you want your relationship to work out. 
Your husband also seems to love you. That is why I do not 
think that it is a good idea for you to mention divorce or a trial
separation, because essentially you do not want that.

It seems to me that the main problem you are having is communication
and the fact that you do not understand that men and women are different
and express themselves differently. Your husband is expressing his love to you by working 7 days a week, 8 hours a day so that he can provide for you and his child

You on the other hand want him to express his love to you in a different way, so that he can prove he loves you. As CharlieParker pointed above, you want him to show his love by spending quality time with you. Since he is not doing that you feel unloved. So what we have here are 2 individuals who love each other but do not know how to express this love in a manner that the other spouse can understand.

So how can you solve this? I think the best thing you can do is to tell your husband what makes you feel loved. Be direct and specific, don't hint or assume that he should be reasonable enough to know how to show his love. Tell him that it would make you feel loved if he spent sometime in the afternoon taking a nap so that he can be able to stay awake and watch a movie with you at night. If you want help with the housework, tell him to do the dinner dishes on Saturday nights or to stack up the toilet papers when they run out and show him where you keep the surplus. These are just examples but I hope you get the flow.
I learnt this from my husband who told me that if I wanted him to do something I should be direct and upfront about it instead of expecting that he would read my mind and know what I want him to do. I can tell you that I became a much happier wife when I became more direct in my approach and he is a much happier husband because he now knows how to meet my expectations in a practical way and I do not have to keep nagging him.

The fact that your husband likes to spend time with his friends shouldn't really be offensive to you seeing that he likes taking you along. That means that he wants you to understand his other world and wants you to be part of his social life. Men like it when their spouses are interested and involved in their recreational life. It is part of the way they bond. If you want to bond with a man do an activity with him, like spend time playing a sport or pursuing something he is interested in with him. At the end of your time together you will have learned much more about him and gotten him to open up about issues you won't get him to talk about if you would have spent time just sitting around at home and talking.

I think you shouldn't totally blame the fact that you are lonely on your husband. It is unpractical to expect a man to meet ALL your emotional needs. I think men aren't just wired this way. That is why you should try and connect with other women who you can talk to about things that interest you. It could be your mum, sisters, female friends or colleagues. Just don't talk about intimate issues about your marriage with them. This will help to meet your conversational needs and you will end up putting less pressure on your husband.

FYI you can read His Needs Her Needs or Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus to understand why men and women behave the way they do.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Julz great post. I am oblivious to the majority of my wife's complaints. If she would only tell me exactly what she needs. Not her feelings about things. I feel like she spends hours going round and round with it. Just tell me how and I will do it. 
I made the mistake of being the guy who does all the housework, all the food shopping, chauffeur, works hard, etc thinking that she can see that's how I show my love. I have been wrong for many, many years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



gardengirl said:


> Honey, I'm sorry to see this, you guys are young still! This sounds like a problem someone 20+ years in should be having.
> 
> To me, it sounds like boredom. Plenty of energy for the wild night on the town, but not the ho-hum home life. I think boredom affects the male persuasion more often than people think- heck, guys are supposed to go out and conquer, at least that's what it seems like. Does your man have any hobbies or interests? I think having something you are passionate about spills over to the rest of your life. It's a poor soul who's existence is home/work/home, rinse and repeat.


He doesn't really have any hobbies. He does like to work on cars and we spent last Saturday at his brothers house so he could do so. But its not an everyday thing. Their car fixing hobby can get very expensive so its only every now and then that they get together to do it. 

I wouldn't call him anti-social, but when it comes to doing things, he never wants to do anything without me. Even something as simple as a super bowl party. This past one I told him to go without me because it was on a school night and our soon needed to be in bed. He wouldnt go hang out with his brothers and friends and watch the game just because I didnt go. I've pushed him many times to go places but he rarely goes unless I go with him.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



EleGirl said:


> Why is your husband working 7 days a week? Does he really need to do this to keep his job and to bring in his part of the family financial support?
> 
> There is no reason why he cannot be helping around the house with chores, cooking and the children. If you come home at 6 he could have dinner ready.
> 
> ...


He is the sole provider. He really does have a good job and would be stupid if he left. I dont even need help around the house. The chores dont bother me. I just need some more alone time with him.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



Julzwife said:


> I must commend you for putting in a lot of effort
> to ensure that your marriage works out. However, you should realize that
> no marriage is perfect no matter how hard you try, because there is no perfect spouse. That is why you have to keep trying and not give up. This will be an ongoing effort for as long as you will be married.
> 
> ...


I do agree with you. A trial seperation is not for me. Its not what I want at all. I want this to work, and for the most part it does work, I just would love to spend more time with him. 

I have been very direct and always get back empty promises. 

He always tells me he loves. We pretty much text the entire day even though we live together and see each other everyday. We have a good relationship. Our sex life is frequent and great. We dont fight, neither of us are yellers, so when there is a disagreement its always solved in calm manner. 

I havent put all my eggs in one basket. I can certinaly be happy when he's not around. There are other things in life that make me happy besides being around him. But the lonely factor, I guess his companionship is all I really want, and though I have other people in my life to talk to and hang out with, my relationship with him is what really means the most to me.


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## Julzwife (Feb 23, 2013)

It had to take you to get to post *no. 25* before you actually stated what your main problem is.



Ano said:


> I just need some more alone time with him.


See what I mean Ano about being direct instead of beating around the bush? As Richie points out above, your husband could be oblivious to what you want and you have to point it out and provide clear directions about how you want the issue solved.

You seem to have a great marriage, don't spoil it by nitpicking or being unnecessarily dissatisfied with your man or comparing your marriage to other marriages. Appreciate your man and encourage him instead of trying to compete with him about who is working more hours than the other one or who is more tired or spending more time or money pursuing their interests .
Seek healthy and mature ways to solve your marriage problems, because I can assure that you even after you solve this problem another issue will come up. I would be careful which advice I decide to pick up and implement in my marriage if I were you.

Goodluck!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

In your OP you said you also work full time but then said he is the sole provider could you clarify?

Also you said he gets 8 hours of sleep?But doing the math that is BECAUSE he falls asleep by 9.But that is what you are complaining about.Your essentially asking him to get less than 8 hours of sleep a night and sounds like some what routinely?.Also you don't have to have a very labor intensive day to be tired after being awake for 16 hours.Also I agree with the ones who are saying going out when you are moving around even if you are tired is far easier to stay awake and "alert" than sitting in the comfort of your own home relaxing on the sofa in relative quietness and far less mental stimulation going on .But even that will eventually wear you down if its all the time.Most people don't do well even if they achieve it routinely having an 17 ,18 hour day. It will affect your mood/memory/energy level/ability to fight off illness etc...

As far as taking a nap for an hour or so before you get home would be great.But the problem could be that is when he still has plenty of energy or is not in the least tired yet and cant make himself take a nap.That would be midway through his day.I get up around 6 and I do not have a labor intensive day but I'm struggling to hold my eyes open by 10.But it is very different especially if its only on occasion if we are out and around other people moving around with noise going on .Oh and I am NOT tired /couldn't take a nap at 2 or 3 in the afternoon just because I get up early.I have too much energy still in me at that point. I would have to take a sleeping pill that early in the day to achieve that.

Also it does by your description sound like he IS spending time with you and your son in the evenings.But I think its unreasonable to be honest for you to essentially say he should start routinely only getting 7 hours of sleep a night.I dont care about other people who say they do great on 5 or 6 or 7 the average person needs more than that to be able to function normally.And of course there are exceptions but routinely getting even an hour less than your body needs will cause chronic sleep deprivation.He would probably just start conking out by 8.Our sleeping patterns are physiological .

So the ONLY solution I could see for the long haul is he changes his hours for work from 7 or 8 even till 3 or 4.If you want specifically more "alone time" and specifically at night.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh also LOL!! just in general you can not expect a lot of "alone time" on a daily basis when you have small children ..or heck children period.That is why we have "date night" ..that is why we may send the kids over to grandmas for an overnighter once month so we can have the house all to ourselves etc...


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> In your OP you said you also work full time but then said he is the sole provider could you clarify?
> 
> Also you said he gets 8 hours of sleep?But doing the math that is BECAUSE he falls asleep by 9.But that is what you are complaining about.Your essentially asking him to get less than 8 hours of sleep a night and sounds like some what routinely?.Also you don't have to have a very labor intensive day to be tired after being awake for 16 hours.Also I agree with the ones who are saying going out when you are moving around even if you are tired is far easier to stay awake and "alert" than sitting in the comfort of your own home relaxing on the sofa in relative quietness and far less mental stimulation going on .But even that will eventually wear you down if its all the time.Most people don't do well even if they achieve it routinely having an 17 ,18 hour day. It will affect your mood/memory/energy level/ability to fight off illness etc...
> 
> ...


What I meant by sole provider is that he makes more money then me. 

I see what you're saying about a nap in the afternoon when he gets home around 2, but this is not the case with him. He has and does on many occasions fall asleep on the couch after work on the weekends when he gets home and I am playing with our son. 

He does spend family time with us in the evenings. That is not my concern. I feel like we are missing out on intimate alone time, just the 2 of us. 

Everyone is wired differently and I suppose I just require a lot less sleep then him.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> Oh also LOL!! just in general you can not expect a lot of "alone time" on a daily basis when you have small children ..or heck children period.That is why we have "date night" ..that is why we may send the kids over to grandmas for an overnighter once month so we can have the house all to ourselves etc...


This is a fabulous idea, however, none of the grandparents ever offer to babysit.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Everyone is wired differently and I suppose I just require a lot less sleep then him.


For an adult its 7-9 hours.Your husband could be one of those who need 9.There are other variables too like how heavy or lightly you sleep at night that may cause a tendency to nap in the day etc.

For all you know he is dozing off during the day during the week already.(napping) but is still ready for that 8 hours at the end of the day.

I just have a hard time thinking he is doing it on purpose or lets say that he has a lot of control over it as far as its his basic sleep needs..Ya know?Considering he sounds too like a very caring and attentive husband and father.

Oh and as far as falling a sleep after sex?That is also totally normal.Sex for some is a powerful aid to sleep or sleep inducer.For some it actually "wakes them up" LOL>>like a burst of energy afterwards.But I think its more typical for men to uber relax them and make them sleepy.(from the chemicals released in the brain) and especially if you are already around your regular bed time.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Ano said:


> This is a fabulous idea, however, none of the grandparents ever offer to babysit.




We babysat our grandson almost every weekend and over night too for my son and his wife to get that "alone time" for about the first 2 years.We still do just not every weekend.My husbands parents and my parents did it for us too.(not every weekend but at least once a month).

They had REALLY whacky schedules though like two ships passing in the night so thats why we did it so often and for the overnighters .


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> He has and does on many occasions fall asleep on the couch after work on the weekends when he gets home and I am playing with our son.


Also on these many occasions when he naps on the weekend does he stay up later on those nights ?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh sorry to ramble..but I also think its ridiculous for it to be suggested you get a separation over this.Or even threaten it.You have made it sound like other than him falling asleep at 9 pm..He is a loving,attentive ,hard working husband and father ,ya'll don't fight ,you love him not to mention you have a child who needs his father.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> For an adult its 7-9 hours.Your husband could be one of those who need 9.There are other variables too like how heavy or lightly you sleep at night that may cause a tendency to nap in the day etc.
> 
> For all you know he is dozing off during the day during the week already.(napping) but is still ready for that 8 hours at the end of the day.
> 
> ...


I know he's not doing it on purpose. He's tired and thats why I feel guilty even mentioning it to him at all. 

No, even when he naps, he still doesn't stay up later. 

I could see sex making him even more sleepy, it makes me hungry when its really good! Haha!

He is a good husband and father and he makes me happy. I do love him very much. 

Perhaps im just being selfish. He's doing the best he can. 

Two of his buddies came over last night and we all hung out and talked. He stayed up till midnight. Id just wish like once a week he would do that with just me! I crave him!! I cant even kiss him without wanting to jump on him! Lol


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> Oh sorry to ramble..but I also think its ridiculous for it to be suggested you get a separation over this.Or even threaten it.You have made it sound like other than him falling asleep at 9 pm..He is a loving,attentive ,hard working husband and father ,ya'll don't fight ,you love him not to mention you have a child who needs his father.


I agree! I'd prefer not to play games with this. Im not lonely to the point of wanting to leave and I certainly dont want him going anywhere either!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So your H works an 8 hour day and he's full blown tired in bed by 9? That's silliness.


I don't see it as having anything to do with how many hours he works...Its WHAT TIME he gets up.At 9pm he has been awake for 16 hours.If I got up at 5 am ..it wouldn't matter how many "hours I worked" I'm going to be "sleepy" by around 9 pm.How is it silliness to be tired after being awake for 16 hours?That's like saying that someone who doesn't work at all should not ever get "tired" at all and not need any sleep.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Right on Dallas!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

When do you get up? The child?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Perhaps im just being selfish. He's doing the best he can.


I dont think you are being selfish for having the feelings.I do think however pushing it when it appears that hes not purposely trying to fall asleep or intentionally "witholding" his time with you out of selfishness on his end, and considering that he is otherwise devoted and seems to show love to you and your child it isn't going to help your marriage to continue to pressure him and may even damage it.

You have too much "good " going on I think to make a HUGE issue out of it.I would however in the long run look forward to maybe his hours changing to where ya'll are getting up around the same time and ready for "sleep" around the same time.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



CharlieParker said:


> When do you get up? The child?


I get up at 6, get ready for work and then get my son up at 7. Leave the house by 7:15.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I could see sex making him even more sleepy, it makes me hungry when its really good! Haha!


I get the munchies too. I also feel like staying up even if its to just watch T.V many times(while I much and crunch) long after my bedtime while he is passed out snoring next to me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

A few years ago dues schedule changes we found ourselves needing more time together (and we don't have children). We decided to get up earlier once or twice a week. I'm not a morning person but even now with a "normal" schedule we still do, and strangely enough I really enjoy it.


Never heard of munchies after sex. I think we're strange, she's the one that passes out right after, I thought that was more a guy thing but I need some time.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> I get the munchies too. I also feel like staying up even if its to just watch T.V many times(while I much and crunch) long after my bedtime while he is passed out snoring next to me.


Lol!

You give really great advice! Thank you!

Something that I was just thinking about...when we're in bed and hes practically asleep, if I pull out my phone and start browsing Facebook or something, he will suddenly be awake and energized. Or if I go in the living room to watch tv, he will wake up and follow me and sit on the couch. He always wants to be with me (and im not complaining), but im wondering why when he suddenly isn't getting my undivided attention (even when hes asleep), he's no longer tired.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Two of his buddies came over last night and we all hung out and talked. He stayed up till midnight. Id just wish like once a week he would do that with just me! I crave him!! I cant even kiss him without wanting to jump on him! Lol


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Ano said:


> Lol!
> 
> You give really great advice! Thank you!
> 
> Something that I was just thinking about...when we're in bed and hes practically asleep, if I pull out my phone and start browsing Facebook or something, he will suddenly be awake and energized. Or if I go in the living room to watch tv, he will wake up and follow me and sit on the couch. He always wants to be with me (and im not complaining), but im wondering why when he suddenly isn't getting my undivided attention (even when hes asleep), he's no longer tired.


You are welcome.

hmm...maybe thats more of an "alarm" bell thing since you did have an EA? Kind of like an "adrenaline' surge ?That will give you a temporary but pretty strong "burst" of alertness/energy.

In contrary when all seems "well" he is relaxed and comfortable?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I did go outside of my marriage to an old boyfriend for someone to talk to. Maybe I needed attention, whatever it was, it was nice to be able to talk to someone. When it started escalating into more then a friendship, I immediatly blocked his number and his facebook and cut off talking to him.


This.This could be what "wakes him up" at night when he is tired .Fear that you will do that again.I just dont beleive he is feigning tiredness when he is really chock full of energy .Why would he do that?If he is really not tired why wouldn't he just simply stay up with you ?

And honestly I think that is kind of sad.To be "afraid" if he falls asleep too early you might just talk to some other guy.Ya know?IF that is what is going on .I just find it an odd coincidence you have had a rendevous with an old BF because of him not staying up with you ...that he might "jump up" and follow you even when he is exhausted to try and prevent it.But again I do not think he should have to live with that fear or that hanging over his head when all he is trying to do is go to bed.Even if he was completely ignoring you or neglecting you in some significant way or being "abusive" I wouldn't have the same kind of sympathy for that.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> This.This could be what "wakes him up" at night when he is tired .Fear that you will do that again.I just dont beleive he is feigning tiredness when he is really chock full of energy .Why would he do that?If he is really not tired why wouldn't he just simply stay up with you ?
> 
> And honestly I think that is kind of sad.To be "afraid" if he falls asleep too early you might just talk to some other guy.Ya know?IF that is what is going on .I just find it an odd coincidence you have had a rendevous with an old BF because of him not staying up with you ...that he might "jump up" and follow you even when he is exhausted to try and prevent it.But again I do not think he should have to live with that fear or that hanging over his head when all he is trying to do is go to bed.Even if he was completely ignoring you or neglecting you in some significant way or being "abusive" I wouldn't have the same kind of sympathy for that.


He's been that way for a long time now. Long before my 2 week long EA. 

I dont think he intentionally is pretending to be tired. I know he is tired. He's not faking it. He's very attached I suppose. 

When my son was 9 months old, he left us for a woman he worked with. I say "us" because not only did he abandon me with no income, he also pretty much forgot his son existed. All has been forgiven and we have struggled tremendously to get where we are today. He has more then proven himself to me. It seems ever since then, he's been really clingy. Clingy to the point where he even feels the need to tag along to go pick up a pizza. I suppose its his way or showing me that there's no more secrets, his way of building the trust back, and it has worked. So maybe he's just gotten into a routine of being that way.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Ano said:


> He's been that way for a long time now. Long before my 2 week long EA.
> 
> I dont think he intentionally is pretending to be tired. I know he is tired. He's not faking it. He's very attached I suppose.
> 
> When my son was 9 months old, he left us for a woman he worked with. I say "us" because not only did he abandon me with no income, he also pretty much forgot his son existed. All has been forgiven and we have struggled tremendously to get where we are today. He has more then proven himself to me. It seems ever since then, he's been really clingy. Clingy to the point where he even feels the need to tag along to go pick up a pizza. I suppose its his way or showing me that there's no more secrets, his way of building the trust back, and it has worked. So maybe he's just gotten into a routine of being that way.


WOW! Ya'll have come a long way .Sometimes our mistakes believe it or not when weathered through in the end bring us closer and make us more committed.

Maybe hes "really clingy" because he realizes what he almost threw away?Anyway if he is that way all the time not just at night when you get on FB then yeah its probably for the same reason .He just wants to be near you even if hes asleep.

I know when I would stay up later than my husband (I was the night owl then) and I wanted to watch t.v and not "bother him" with the noise after it got later I might fall asleep on the couch and he would wake up and go out the the den and wake me up and say "come to bed"..he said he "sleeps better" knowing I'm next to him.

Later though I ended up sleeping on the couch many nights because of his snoring got intolerable but thats a whole other story.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



dallasapple said:


> WOW! Ya'll have come a long way .Sometimes our mistakes believe it or not when weathered through in the end bring us closer and make us more committed.
> 
> Maybe hes "really clingy" because he realizes what he almost threw away?Anyway if he is that way all the time not just at night when you get on FB then yeah its probably for the same reason .He just wants to be near you even if hes asleep.
> 
> ...


Yes, we are certainly a lot closer now. 

You give amazing advice. Thank you so much!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Ano said:


> Yes, we are certainly a lot closer now.
> 
> You give amazing advice. Thank you so much!


My pleasure.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Ano said:


> He'll sit on the couch and watch tv with our son till dinners ready when I get home. After dinner if its not too late we'll all play uno or a board game. Then bath and bed. If it is too late, its just bath and bed time, we tuck him in together. *Then its back to the couch for him and I join him, and 10 mins later he's asleep*.


You have gotten a lot of good input, especially about sleep needs, but I think this points to part of the problem. I am a night person, my wife is a morning person. She can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. We would get the kids down and then she would bundle up in a blanket on the couch to "watch a movie" with me, and 2 minutes later she is nodding. I ask her how can she expect anything else when she gets all warm and comfortable on the couch late in the evening? If she sits up or does something to keep awake, she does better. 

Maybe the difference between nights with friends and the routine is that you need to do something more than "back to the couch" to keep him focused and awake. 

Also, what about the kid going to bed earlier? If he needs 8 hours and is up by 5, you pretty much need to expect him to drop off at 9, so an 8:30 bedtime for kiddo is counter productive. Just a thought.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ano said:


> Together 6 years
> Married 2 1/2 years
> 
> We have a 4 year old.
> ...



First of all why does he work so many hours? Debts? Bills? After working 60+ hours there isn't much left. Start looking at your lifestyle and if its really necessary to work so many hours. 40-50 hours a week for each of you should be the max and if you can't make it financially it might be time to make some changes to save this marriage.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I expecting too much?*



PM1 said:


> You have gotten a lot of good input, especially about sleep needs, but I think this points to part of the problem. I am a night person, my wife is a morning person. She can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. We would get the kids down and then she would bundle up in a blanket on the couch to "watch a movie" with me, and 2 minutes later she is nodding. I ask her how can she expect anything else when she gets all warm and comfortable on the couch late in the evening? If she sits up or does something to keep awake, she does better.
> 
> Maybe the difference between nights with friends and the routine is that you need to do something more than "back to the couch" to keep him focused and awake.
> 
> Also, what about the kid going to bed earlier? If he needs 8 hours and is up by 5, you pretty much need to expect him to drop off at 9, so an 8:30 bedtime for kiddo is counter productive. Just a thought.


Relaxing in bed is even worse for him then the couch. He'll be out in 60 seconds. Sitting on our porch looking out at the lake is the best alternative but we are in south florida and right now its too hot to relax. 

What do you recommend in terms of "doing something more"?

By the time dinner is cooked and the kitchen is cleaned, its after 7. So afterwards we usually play outside or play a game indoors. Then its bath a bed (which is between 8-8:30) If only there was more time in a day.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I guess "doing more" could be about anything different than what is not working (how's that for vague and non-committal). 

I don't know, maybe try to sit somewhere else and talk more actively? Or find some activity to keep partly busy, even something minor. My wife can stay awake if she does cross stitch or a puzzle, just something to keep enough focus to not drop off, but she is still able to talk because it does not consume all of her focus. 

I was mainly thinking that if the same thing every night isn't working, try almost anything else. (I know it can be hard, sometimes you might just feel like watching TV, but its the kiss of death on your spouse's ability to stay awake)


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