# Not your ordinary affair...more like a double life



## JustLoveMe (Sep 17, 2013)

18 months ago, I uncovered a hidden novel my husband had been "living" since he was 17 in which I titled "My first and only love." I am in my mid-thirties and this is my second marriage after my first ended due to husband's "regular" (married man meets woman, they have an affair) infidelity and immaturity. My first marriage lasted 3 years and I've been married to my husband now for 3 years (together for over 6 years now). In April of last year, I discovered my husband had been maintaining a committed relationship with his teenage-time girlfriend who was recently divorced from her marriage of 10 years and lived close to all of his family and friends out-of-state. He went home several times a year and I never knew or expected to find out what I did...and who helped him get away with it. He supported her emotionally and financially for close to 18 years - until September of last year when he told me he cut all ties, even the friendship he didn't want to loose and cried about. To this day, he claims it was purely sexual and admits no emotional responsibility. Since finding out and reading communications between them, I discovered he actually has the capacity to love and trust with complete faith, just not with me, only HER. I have lived through his grievance over loosing her and watched him cry whenever he would talk about her. When I was able to prove that she had scheduled a final hearing on our pending divorce (on our wedding anniversary posing as me on the phone), he begged me (in tears) not to press fraudulent charges in that she could loose custody of her five children, one of which I question is his. Over these 18 months, I have been in counseling - rebuilding myself and my faith, while he has begun showing signs of deterioration - selfishness, complete lack of faith, no trust in himself or me, always negative, and not reaching out to anyone, getting stuck in his own realm of self-righteousness and determined to control EVERYTHING. We did about 4 weeks of counseling at first but he decided he wasn't doing it anymore and quit. After he physically held me captive in our home a couple weeks ago, I demanded counseling or divorce. Long story short: I am so unhappy and unfulfilled. I have learned so much about myself and who I am that I don't LIKE him anymore. I feel like me and my children are his front and that we are not what he wants. He's defeating when we are up and discouraging on almost all levels when it comes to accepting responsibility and making POSITIVE changes now that he is living ONE life on ONE path. He lacks any emotional attachment to me and the kids but will fill a bucket of tears if he discovers a credit card is missing. Everything I say or do he challenges and then when we argue, he blames everything on everyone instead of himself and tries to use distorted fact to make points that have nothing to do with what we argue about in the first place. He wants everything we do to be an agreement and then manipulates his actions according to agreements he thinks we make and gets angry as hell when I tell him that he's not recalling all the facts. I am constantly his enemy and even when he tells me he's sorry (if he realizes he's out of line) quite frankly, I'm so tired of hearing I'm sorry because NOTHING is getting better, it's getting WORSE. This marriage is nothing like what I want for me or my children. I think I'm beginning to realize that now, with HER out of the picture and his happy bubble blown up, I'm seeing who he really is - negative, pessimistic, controlling, selfish, greedy, materialistic, extremely shallow and without emotion (except fear, anger, rage) - and faithless. He can't POSSIBLY give OUR family what we need when he can't give it to himself first. It's Co-dependency at its finest and I'm exhausted, sad, lonely, and beginning to hate him.
My question: Without degrading and humiliating him, how do I get out of this? I don't want to hurt him because MAYBE he's just not for me anymore. I don't want to tell him he has no business raising children because he's so much a child himself. (Thank goodness he's had a vasectomy! Sorry, couldn't help it) I CANNOT fix him. I've tried and my attempts only fuel his internal rage and the next opportunity he has to stomp me, he does, and will. Here's the kicker. NO ONE knows how he really is, or at least they don't say anything. He's got a GREAT image laid out for himself, not even most of his friends know what happened in our marriage. I just want out. How do you tell someone you really do love and see potential in that they're a waste of your time and harmful to the children? He won't go to his own counseling and refuses most meaningful conversation with me saying he never understands what I'm trying to tell him. He sticks to the weather, what he had for lunch, and every little headache or bug bite that ruined his day. I'm drowning.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you preserving his secret?

From the sound of it, he helped end her marriage and is the one responsible for those kids of hers not being with their father and a real family.

You are sacrificing yourself and your children to protect a guy who willingly chose to betray you and his vows and who has done,a long term heinous thing.

My advice
1. File for D ASAP.
2. Expose his years long lies to family and friends.
3. Get a forensic accountant to look into financial fraud by him, if he's been giving her money to support her, then he's been stealing it from your family to do so. If he helped pay her mortgage or for her car, you maybe able to recover that during the D.

His continued bad treatment of you emotionally shows that he doesn't respect or value you. It's about him and what he wants, instead of what's right and loyal to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a sad, sad situation. WHY do you care whether he gets degraded or humiliated?? If you want out, then do just that...get out. You dont deserve this treatment. He is not a man. No real man would do what he has done. It does not sound like he cares about you, and you have gone way above and beyond what most of us would have. You need to get angry about this. Anger will motivate you, and lift you out of this, and lord knows you have EVERY RIGHT to that anger! Its YOUR turn to find happiness, and it is NOT going to be with him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Shark of a lawyer ASAP. Nail him to the wall.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would file fraud on her. Expose him. Get a good attorney.

Don't tell him a thing, just do it. 

This guy is not worth a thing to you. He lied, cheated, ruined your life. He is abusive.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You need to respect yourself and do things to help you cope. Certain things like exercise help me. No one else can make me happy. I have to find happiness within myself. However, if someone is cheating on you, how can you cope with the pain, rejection, and drama? Protect yourself and your sanity. If he will not change, then get him out of your life.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Thorburn said:


> I would file fraud on her. Expose him. Get a good attorney.
> 
> Don't tell him a thing, just do it.
> 
> This guy is not worth a thing to you. He lied, cheated, ruined your life. He is abusive.


:iagree:

Especially the filing fraud on her. She needs to learn you don't behave like that... ever. 

Leaving him is easy...just do it. He cares so little about you why give him any time or energy or kindness.
He doesn't deserve it.

I'm so sorry for you and I really hope you just get your stuff together, file D and move on because I suspect you do deserve better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I got his far

"After he physically held me captive in our home a couple weeks ago,"

 :redcard: :wtf:

Why oh why are you not in a womens shelter somewhere?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Here is my best self-affirming psychobabble for you:

- He was his best self when he was with her. 

- He should recover his relationship with her so that his emotional equilibrium can be restored.

- He is denying his own bliss. This is bad for his karma.

- You should free him to be with his soulmate. After all, love is selfless. You want the very best for him, don't you, OP?

- Step aside to let true love flourish in the open. What a gift to us all to see the triumph of such pure hearts as your WH and his gf.

Cue the harps and the trumpets....... 

Now that that is done, I would D him and press fraud charges against his soulmate. Then you can walk off into your own well-deserved better life.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am guessing that he is a narcissist. maybe not, passive aggressive, yes. The OW provided him the outlet to control his problems I guess. Once she was gone he didn't have his play thing anymore. I would be willing to bet she was a complete pushover and did whatever he wanted. So he could control her and mold her into what he wanted. Now he is trying to do that to you. I wouldn't be surprised if things became more and more violent the closer to your D comes. You need to get the you and the kids out of there. Because while you are at his home you are going to be subjects of his rule. You need to take as much power away from him as possible. and you need to stay away from his no doubt almost constant manipulations.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Go nuclear! Out her to the proper legal authorities and consider using CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for both of them.


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## JustLoveMe (Sep 17, 2013)

...thanks all for your time. I find it interesting that I can get such similar responses from complete strangers that I hadn't experienced from people I know, yet, my closest friends and family (who know a bulk of this: a) said they supported whatever my decision was, and b) pushed me to not give up. Not one person I know reacted the way you all have.
I don't want to leave him in ruins because two wrongs don't make a right and what he did had NOTHING to do with me, other than, I happened to fall in love with him behind my rosé colored glasses that I threw out months ago, good riddance. My biggest worry with D is that he has no problem spouting his mouth off and me having to deal with the chaos I can only imagine he is able to create - especially when it comes to my kids having to witness it and it affecting them more than I can handle in the process of D alone. I already did that when they were toddlers and it about killed me. 
Reading your replies HAS helped and given me a little umpf back in my step. I have gotten angry, very angry. That didn't help though because I'm still in it, hoping I can outlast this "unknown time period post-affair" taking one step at a time or even just staying on two feet. I'd LOVE to tell him to go back to her because they deserve each other but I can't. Because I know he will and he will tell me this until the day I am out of HIS house robbing HIM of everything he's worked for in his life. I'm not afraid to leave him, I'm afraid of what he might be capable of when I'm strong enough to hand him the paperwork. I can't move to another city or state because of the decree on my first divorce regarding the kids. I have very strong evidence of his secret, including sexual videos, and know that if needed, will deploy them to all family and friends of his should I need to. I'd rather not because I'm better than that and value my own integrity and character a whole lot more.
badbane, you are right on the money. I see it clearer and clearer every day.


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