# Marriage is good on paper, but I am no longer happy



## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

My background:
I struggled as a single mom for two years working 3 jobs with no help except overnight childcare from family. I slept 3 hours/night and my main job was overnight. (My ex Husband was a drug addict and I was forced to marry him at 19 because I was pregnant and from a catholic family.) Dating was practically impossible due to lack of time and my kids, and the few guys I met were jerks. Men wanted to date me for my looks but were not interested in my kids.

Then I met my husband. Complete opposite of me in every way but we had the same views on family, faith, future goals. I was trying to complete my family and he was ready for one. We have now been married for 13 years and together going on 17. We have two kids together, so 4 total (I have custody and bio dad disappeared a long time ago).
We’ve had a great marriage because we are a great team. We both work, do housework, take care of the kids, respect eachother...all good in that aspect. Our main issue (my issue) was that our love language is different. He has NEVER been physically affectionate. Our sex life was good (not perfect) but that was the only time he would touch me. No kissing, holding hands, snuggling, or even touching in bed. He had a body pillow that basically separates us. I am huge with physical touch. I crave it. And I would have loved sex more often but he was always tired, not in the mood.....Over the years I accepted that this was my sacrifice as the rest of the marriage was good. The issue did surface many times but nothing ever changed. It was hard especially when I was constantly being hit on and knowing my husband didnt want to touch me. I’ve had to ask for sex MANY times from him. And it was awful to get rejected as a woman. I am very fit, attractive, and I have absolutely kept up with my looks. I am often guessed for 28 and I am 41. I only state this bc it was never a matter of letting myself go as some guys say about their wives as an excuse not to touch them. Now, as the kids are older, I realize that we have nothing in common. We don’t have the same interests in tv, music, activities. He’s more type “A” and I am very laid back. The list goes on....

I should also note that over the years he had gotten very grumpy/angry. Always complaining about the house, kids, noise levels. It got to the point where I told him to move out because he obviously should live alone where no one could bother him. The kids and I all hated to be around him and would avoid him at all costs. He didn’t make changes until almost a year ago when I first told him I wanted to leave him. Suddenly he’s different. Now wants to be overly affectionate. Trying to touch me all the time and cuddle with me in bed. It’s extremely weird! It’s been 16 years of no touching and now it doesn’t feel sincere. He said he doesn’t want to lose me and will do whatever it takes. It just makes me angry. Where was this guy when I cried myself to sleep every night? When I needed physical affection?
But his prior grumpiness, not wanting to touch me....just made me evaluate our marriage. That’s when I realized how different we are. The kids are older and more independent. It leaves much more alone time for us and we spend our nights sitting on separate couches doing our own thing. Over the years I have realized that as great of a man he is, he was never “the one”. I just hadn’t realized as my situation was a tough one. I worked 88 hrs to care for my two baby girls on my own. I needed and wanted to badly to complete my family. 

I realize how awful and selfish I sound now, but I was 25 then and had/have never been alone. I don’t want to stay in my marriage just to make him happy when I am so sad. I don’t even want him touching me. He just feels like a brother. I love him but I am no longer romantically in love with him and haven’t been for a long time. I’m just ready to move on with my life and be alone. I want discover myself as a single woman and figure out what I want for myself. Maybe have friends and activities that I like to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Should I keep trying?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I don’t think your being selfish and I don’t think anyone else is going to say that either if I had to guess. People have different love languages... the way they receive and fell loved. Your love language (physical touch) was denied for a very long time. That is a very big obstacle to overcome.... years of wanting. It’s no wonder your love for him changed from “lover to brother”. Your situation is often played out on this board and your story is common. You have all the right in the world to feel the way you do.

Nothing makes someone more unlovable than when they are always angry and in a bad mood.

If I were you I would have difficulty accepting his new profession of “I love you” as well. I would probably tell him to shove it in his a$$.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

On a different note:

Love, Sex, and Intimacy aren’t just stuff you learn along the way for many people. There are a lot of books out there that can help. Relationships require work...work on ourselves. Most of these things you already know subconsciously, but sometimes it just takes reading the actual words for it to hit home

A lot of the ladies here are pretty insightful. I’m sure they will be here soon with alternative view points for you


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The light bulb has been on for many years.
You have finally opened your eyes to what it has exposed.

The light bulb is actually a spot light.
It is pointing and lighting up the way.
The way forward.

Follow your eyes, and take your heart with you.
Take heart in knowing that others have made this leap before you.

Some will call your thoughts and actions a 'mid-life' crisis.
While true in my mind, I say, "meh, so what!"

Accept the calling and find your new life while divorced and single.

My only caveat: Do not have any relationship with any man until the divorce is complete.
If you do, it will be seen as you cheating, prior to the divorce.


_Lilith-_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The best description of your situation is the "Walk-away Wife Syndrome". I've included a link to a webpage that talks about this: *The Walk-away Wife Syndrome*

Sadly, in these situations, it take the threat of a divorce to wake up the husband. Then suddenly they change on the dime and as you are seeing, it's hard to believe it's an honest change.

If you want to try to rebuild your relationship and rekindle the passion between the two of you, it's completely possible. It will take hard work from both of you. But it is completely doable. How do you do this? The two of you get into marriage counseling. And you both read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You both do the work that the books say to do. 

If you don't want to do all that work, then just file for divorce and get on with your life. Just keep in mind that divorce creates more problems... just a different set of problems.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

Thank you all for your time and replies! We had actually taken a weekend away from the kids to discuss our rocky relationship almost two years ago and had decided that we would really try hard to fulfill each others needs. It was basically a “make it or break it” time for us. He didn’t seem to want much change from me but it was then that I expressed the affection thing (again for the millionth time). Things were good for a few weeks, then fell back in the same routine. Just under a year ago I told him I had decided for sure that I was done and I emotionally checked out. That’s when he decided to make lasting changes of wanting to be physical, and fixing his grumpy attitude. I just feel it was too late and once I made up my mind, there was no going back. I’m not really sure I want to put in the work at this point. I feel like I’ve been working for so long and now I’m just ready to be happy. I will absolutely look into that “walk away wife syndrome” as I had never heard of it. I also looked into Midlife crisis as this also crossed my mind. I know I am the kind of person who will put my needs aside to make everyone else happy, and for the first time in my life, I’m ready to make myself happy. Whatever that means.

Oh and side note: the state I live in says you need to have a separate physical address for one year before a divorce can be filed. I’m not trying to jump the gun, but if we split, and I meet someone later down the road, is that considered cheating? Idk, I’m not sure I would even be ready to meet anyone anytime soon. I just want to see what life is like on my own I’m just curious bc of one of the replies. Thanks!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mel1234 said:


> and I meet someone later down the road, is that considered cheating? Idk, Thanks!


Good question. While In theory it’s nice to say “Wait for final divorce!” .... it often doesn’t happen like that.
But what does always happen is the soon to be ex gets all pissed about it. 
Some people are good with “Its fine because I’m separated”....... it’s mostly up to you to figure that one out. Just keep in mind what divorce grief it might cause you with the ex. Weight options carefully


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mel1234 said:


> Oh and side note: the state I live in says you need to have a separate physical address for one year before a divorce can be filed. I’m not trying to jump the gun, but if we split, and I meet someone later down the road, is that considered cheating? Idk, I’m not sure I would even be ready to meet anyone anytime soon. I just want to see what life is like on my own I’m just curious bc of one of the replies. Thanks!


Check the divorce laws in your state. Some states still allow fault divorce which means that adultery can be used as the basis for divorce. Even some no-fault states will consider adultery when it comes to determining child support and alimony. You need to find out how this is handled in your state. If you have an affair and your husband is upset about it, depending on your state, he could hurt you financially.

Is there someone who you are interested in?


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Check the divorce laws in your state. Some states still allow fault divorce which means that adultery can be used as the basis for divorce. Even some no-fault states will consider adultery when it comes to determining child support and alimony. You need to find out how this is handled in your state. If you have an affair and your husband is upset about it, depending on your state, he could hurt you financially.
> 
> Is there someone who you are interested in?


No, there is no one else that I am interested in. I don’t get out much to meet anyone and that would be pointless at the moment since I am still married. I want to be sure when I am ready to date, that I can really get to know people. Guys hit on me because they know I am married and can’t commit to them. Lots of jerks out there. But being alone for an entire year before even being able to start the divorce process leaves plenty of time where meeting someone is a possibility. I can’t imagine having to stay alone for that long just so I’m not labeled a cheater. It just seems crazy.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mel1234 said:


> We’ve had a great marriage because we are a great team. We both work, do housework, take care of the kids, respect eachother...all good in that aspect. Our main issue (my issue) was that our love language is different. He has NEVER been physically affectionate. Our sex life was good (not perfect) but that was the only time he would touch me. No kissing, holding hands, snuggling, or even touching in bed. He had a body pillow that basically separates us. I am huge with physical touch. I crave it. And I would have loved sex more often but he was always tired, not in the mood.....Over the years I accepted that this was my sacrifice as the rest of the marriage was good. The issue did surface many times but nothing ever changed. It was hard especially when I was constantly being hit on and knowing my husband didnt want to touch me. I’ve had to ask for sex MANY times from him. And it was awful to get rejected as a woman. I am very fit, attractive, and I have absolutely kept up with my looks. I am often guessed for 28 and I am 41. I only state this bc it was never a matter of letting myself go as some guys say about their wives as an excuse not to touch them. Now, as the kids are older, I realize that we have nothing in common. We don’t have the same interests in tv, music, activities. He’s more type “A” and I am very laid back. The list goes on....
> ....
> But his prior grumpiness, not wanting to touch me....just made me evaluate our marriage. That’s when I realized how different we are. The kids are older and more independent. It leaves much more alone time for us and we spend our nights sitting on separate couches doing our own thing. Over the years I have realized that as great of a man he is, he was never “the one”. I just hadn’t realized as my situation was a tough one. I worked 88 hrs to care for my two baby girls on my own. I needed and wanted to badly to complete my family.
> ...
> I realize how awful and selfish I sound now, but I was 25 then and had/have never been alone. I don’t want to stay in my marriage just to make him happy when I am so sad. I don’t even want him touching me. He just feels like a brother. I love him but I am no longer romantically in love with him and haven’t been for a long time. I’m just ready to move on with my life and be alone. I want discover myself as a single woman and figure out what I want for myself. Maybe have friends and activities that I like to do. Has anyone been in this situation? Should I keep trying?





Mel1234 said:


> ...Guys hit on me because they know I am married and can’t commit to them. Lots of jerks out there. But being alone for an entire year before even being able to start the divorce process leaves plenty of time where meeting someone is a possibility. I can’t imagine having to stay alone for that long just so I’m not labeled a cheater. It just seems crazy.


Is it possible your past intimidates your husband? And the juxtaposition of saying you're a "very laid back" person and yet grew up working three jobs and sleeping just three hours/night raising your two kids when married to your ex... that's not exactly what a "laid back" person would do. You talk about your husband changing to suddenly become better, too late though for your marriage. You yourself appear to have gone through quite a transition moving from your ex to your current husband.

And then you talk about how you've had a "great marriage because we are a great team" and respect each other. 

Have you tried counseling yet? Did he go through any individual counseling prior to his changing mindset? Any marriage counseling? You recognize that your "Love languages" are different, but don't mention what his is, or what you have done to try and bridge the gap. Were you so busy with your "great marriage" to deal with the elephant in the closet? 

Something seems incomplete here. You could end up divorcing, find someone else, and the grass might not end up greener.

Or it could all be his fault. But it's possible there's something here that can be saved, through counseling. Maybe. The tough part is that, at this point, it's probably all on you. He's a Type-A person who is generally HIGHLY resistant to change, yet he did. What kept the two of you from dealing with this for years? 

Just a bunch of random late-night thinking-out-loud stuff. The "great marriage because we are a great team" seems to be present-tense and it's just hard to think someone can say that, say the other person is trying, and yet want to walk away. But... I'm not in your shoes.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You’ve already decided to dump him and you’re looking for validation for your decision from strangers?
You don’t need that from us, you’re an adult. 
#YOLO


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On the other hand.... 

Here is what 'may' happen.

You meet a guy who is handsome, fit and absolutely great in the sack. He pushes all your buttons, hugs you all the time.

The guy cannot keep his hands off you!

OK, sounds great.

But, that same guy may not be domesticated at all and is not really husband material. He is a lover boy, and not much else.

He may not have those other good qualities that your present husband has. And good lovers can tire of their conquests, just like anyone else.

Every man has his faults (in the mind of any wife).

There will be no going back to this husband, once you start sampling other men.

Your' call.

@EleGirl wanted me to say this.

Huh?
What?


_The Typist-_


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Is it possible your past intimidates your husband? And the juxtaposition of saying you're a "very laid back" person and yet grew up working three jobs and sleeping just three hours/night raising your two kids when married to your ex... that's not exactly what a "laid back" person would do. You talk about your husband changing to suddenly become better, too late though for your marriage. You yourself appear to have gone through quite a transition moving from your ex to your current husband.
> 
> And then you talk about how you've had a "great marriage because we are a great team" and respect each other.
> 
> ...


I couldn't have expressed this any better myself.
This man gave you everything you needed, at a time you needed it the most.
You say you have a great marriage, but you want to chuck it because, for lack of a better term, he's not as warm and fuzzy as you would like.
If it is as great as you say, you should want to exhaust every avenue before casting him aside. What about counseling, couples retreats, reading self-help books together, modeling the behavior you want of him to name a few things? If this is done in a non threatening manner, this could yield real benefits for the both of you.
In any relationship, there are compromises ( and I've made plenty in mine.) However, my wife has made plenty as well, and we have forged a path to intimacy in our marriage that works for both of us. I'd say to invest in your relationship (if the majority of it is as good as you say it is) and it will pay dividends. Hopefully, you can convince your husband that your feelings are genuine, even after you told him you are done. Hopefully, your family and kids are worth you doing the work for.
This is one of the times that it would beneficial to hear the other side of the story, from your husband's perspective. It really sounds like there is a piece missing here. Perhaps he's not returning the affection because you are not demonstrating it? I mean, he had to have it at one time to attract you didn't he? Or was he just the cog that was missing that made your life at that time work?
I don't know your situation, and I don't mean to be harsh, but maybe he senses that you are not all that into him and that has created his hesitancy to be as intimate as you would like. Ongoing communication might be helpful here as well as some positive reinforcement on your part.
However, if you are not into him, just let him go. It sounds like he is a great guy, and there are plenty of great women out there who would like to have someone like him to be with. However, remember your previous existence before letting him go.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> On the other hand....
> 
> Here is what 'may' happen.
> 
> ...


To be fair, there's excitement and happiness to be found in a short term relationship without any seriousness. Some people are happy after divorce never living with a partner again let alone marrying them. Mel may not be looking to jump into a new marriage right away with Mr. Handsom either nor would it be wise to.

Mel, I think you have the right idea that it's high time to start putting yourself first. You might benefit from an IC to help you figure out what that looks like.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Mel1234 said:


> My background:
> I struggled as a single mom for two years working 3 jobs with no help except overnight childcare from family. I slept 3 hours/night and my main job was overnight. (My ex Husband was a drug addict and I was forced to marry him at 19 because I was pregnant and from a catholic family.) Dating was practically impossible due to lack of time and my kids, and the few guys I met were jerks. Men wanted to date me for my looks but were not interested in my kids.
> 
> Then I met my husband. Complete opposite of me in every way but we had the same views on family, faith, future goals. I was trying to complete my family and he was ready for one. We have now been married for 13 years and together going on 17. We have two kids together, so 4 total (I have custody and bio dad disappeared a long time ago).
> ...


From a man stuck in a sexless marriage at age 65, don't wait till it's too late to find the man that will cherish you for the beauty that you are. You deserve to be touched, and loved, regularly.

My wife has always been LD, and now she is ND. I have always been super HD. Early on in our marriage, she tried to keep up. Alas, that was not her!

For years I have tried to communicate my desire for her, and for us to become more sexual with one another. I have encouraged her to find a way to increase her libido. It has fallen on deaf ears.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, however, she IS NOT the SEX GODDESS of my dreams.

I should have looked for a more physically compatiable partner 30 years ago. I stayed for the sake of our children.

Now, with the children all on their own, I'm stuck being a lonely old man with only my dreams of the perfect wife. I'm madly in love with a woman, somewhere out there, that shares my zest for physicality, including lots of sex!

Stay if you must, try if you must, however, be aware you might end up a SAD OLD LADY, like I'm a SAD OLD MAN!

Make yourself happy somehow, whether you stay, or you go!

JMHO.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

So yes there is more detail I could have added but didn’t due to lengthiness.


Casual Observer said:


> And the juxtaposition of saying you're a "very laid back" person and yet grew up working three jobs and sleeping just three hours/night raising your two kids when married to your ex... that's not exactly what a "laid back" person would do


I was single when I was working those jobs and had to for my girls. Sorry for the confusion. When I say “laid back” what I mean is that I don’t easily stress over things and I am more “go with the flow”. It takes a lot to anger me and I can easily adopt to any situation. He is quite the opposite. Always stressed and worrying. He is very tightly wound. He looses a ton of sleep over things like money when he doesn’t need to. We both work and have been blessed to always have what we need. He says he doesn’t understand how I don’t worry about stuff. Why should I? I don’t see a point.




Casual Observer said:


> You recognize that your "Love languages" are different, but don't mention what his is, or what you have done to try and bridge the gap


His love language is “acts of service”. I have done that to the best to my ability. That’s a tough one for me because I am a busy mom of 4. But I did all the things without being asked...I ironed his work clothes and set them out, had his lunches ready daily (I work nights), had dinner ready before I left for work, made sure to stock his favorite snacks, once a month I would give him an hour long foot massage/pedicure, “tickle” his back at bedtime every night, etc.....I didn’t mind doing these things and didn’t complain, but doing these acts seem like much more work than holding hands or cuddling which was all I wanted. But I did them. He didn’t return the love the way I wanted. He strongly admits that he could have tried harder and recognizes that he neglected to give me that.




Tdbo said:


> Perhaps he's not returning the affection because you are not demonstrating it? I mean, he had to have it at one time to attract you didn't he? Or was he just the cog that was missing that made your life at that time work?


So yes there is a missing piece here. First off, I would always be the one to initiate Anything physical. If I held his hand or tried to snuggle, he would say it was too hot. His body temperature seems to run much higher than mine and we are always arguing about the temperature in the house. So cuddling is “uncomfortable” for him. BUT...here’s the thing. His mother has some unfortunate sexual trauma in her youth. As a result, she is extremely withdrawn physically. He grew up with zero physical love. None. To this day his mom and stepdad don’t hug, kiss, or even sit close to eachother. This is what I fear in my future. When we first got together, he always touched me. But then again it was a new relationship. We had gotten pregnant within our first year of dating. The affection died down but we were committed. I accepted this as I knew he loved me. I had no idea how hard this would be for me to go without that part of my life.

I wanted to post here to listen to the opinion of others and hopefully figure things out. I also realize that many responses are geared towards the affection part of my relationship but that is not the only issue. When we met, we both were seeking the same things. We both wanted a big family, a house, and all the things that come along with that. We both had experienced bad relationships and and were relieved to find someone “normal”. We began to date and then got pregnant 8 months later. We were happy and the rest was history. But the thing is, that we never actually “dated”. We never had time to be just a couple and to get to know eachother as people. I had two kids and our dates always involved them. He wanted to be a dad and he jumped right in. I often wonder if my situation was different, would I have ever dated him? He was so opposite of what I wanted, but I also had bad taste in men so I figured it was worth a try. He has always been good to me. And I have always been good to him as well. We both have strong values and believe in being honest and loyal. I always thought that would be enough. For many years it was. We both worked opposite hours, took care of the kids, and basically put all of our focus on the family. And now that the kids are older, I’m in the same boat as many others with having nothing in common. He agrees to this but since he doesn’t like to go anywhere or do anything, it doesn’t seem to bother him. He is content spending the evening in from of the tv or with a puzzle while I sit in the next room. Just like his parents. I’ve always felt something was missing. I hear how people marry “their best friends” and I don’t feel like that.
I’m sad that I don’t love him the way I should. But it’s just the way I feel and the older we get, the more I feel like it’s not going to change. I absolutely agree that I should get some counseling because I truly don’t know what I want. I’m not ready to date anyone else and I’m not going to delude myself I to thinking the grass is greener. I just want to get to know myself and go from there. I would like to believe that marriage is more than just being a good team. I can be a good team member to anyone. I want to feel what others talk about. I want to be in love.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mel1234 said:


> His love language is “acts of service”. I have done that to the best to my ability. That’s a tough one for me because I am a busy mom of 4. But I did all the things without being asked...I ironed his work clothes and set them out, had his lunches ready daily (I work nights), had dinner ready before I left for work, made sure to stock his favorite snacks, once a month I would give him an hour long foot massage/pedicure, “tickle” his back at bedtime every night, etc.....I didn’t mind doing these things and didn’t complain, but doing these acts seem like much more work than holding hands or cuddling which was all I wanted. But I did them. He didn’t return the love the way I wanted. He strongly admits that he could have tried harder and recognizes that he neglected to give me that.


The thing about "love languages" is that each spouse should be expressing their love for their spouse in their spouse's love language. You did that. He did not.

However, from what you said about him, he's not really equipped to meet your needs. He does not speak your "love language". And in many ways it's not his fault. He grew up in a household that had no physical expression of love. That's what he was taught.

What is his fault is that you told him over and over what you need but he did not put any effort into learning to meet your needs.

Have you read the link I posted about the walk-away wife syndrome? Your situation is a classic example. You were meeting his needs, going out of your way to do that. So he was happy. Since his needs were being met, he paid no attention really to your complainants. His needs were met so he took your complaints as just a woman nagging.. .he's happy so you must be happy. That's the core of the walk-away wife syndrome.

The tragedy of the walk-away wife syndrome is that for some reason women who get caught up in this tend to not inform their husband that while he might be happy, she's not and that's not ok. Instead the wife just puts up with an unfulfilling relationship for years until she cannot take it anymore, and then she leaves. She's done.

Sometimes a man needs to be hit on the head (figuratively speaking) to get him to realize that you mean what you say. You not just a nagging woman. Well, now that you have threatened divorce, you have his attention. Finally. 

If there is ever a chance to turn this relationship around, it's now. Though you would have to keep the pressure up on him until he puts the effort into learning how to speak your love language. 

And sadly, now you are beyond caring. There is a way to fix all this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's nothing wrong with divorcing and wanting a change. but you're going to have to weigh that and see how many hours you're going to have to work now to manage on your own. You can't assume you're going to find another man that you want to marry, and if you are going to have to work two jobs you're probably not going to have time to meet one. 

But if you have the means to get out from under it then do so. It doesn't sound like the kids would be heartbroken.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You have been married 13 years. Your youngest child must still be fairly young.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Have you read the link I posted about the walk-away wife syndrome?


I did actually and it makes perfect sense! It absolutely describes my situation. And it wasn’t until I was certain I wanted to leave (after 3 years of being on the fence) that he has decided to become affectionate. It just doesn’t feel right at all. This is our 17th year together and I had never experienced this side of him. It feels forced and insincere. It actually makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like it.

The problem is, once I started examining our relationship, I had started to notice all the differences between us. They never bothered me before (prob bc I was focused on raising my kids) but now it’s all I see. I feel like I can’t get back to how it was before when I didn’t notice. He used to say we had nothing in common in the beginning of our relationship and I thought he was crazy. Now I see every difference. Everything from taste in music and tv, activities, food, even politics.
I begged for a dog our entire relationship. He didn’t let me have one until two years ago when I was talking about leaving. And allowing me to go out with friends without him. He never understood why I wanted to go anywhere without him. Now he lets me go but still checks on me. And no I have NEVER given him a reason not to trust me. He is a worrier and constantly thinks something bad will happen to me. This drives me nuts.

I just think that he’s not the one for me. And maybe I’ve already made up my mind. I just wanted to hear from others who have some insight or maybe have been in a similar situation. I have a big heart and the thought of hurting him makes me feel awful. But I dont consider him my best friend and being with him the rest of my life just doesn’t make me feel joy. I feel like I’m a nice person, once again sacrificing my happiness just to keep everyone around me happy.


Mr.Married said:


> You have been married 13 years. Your youngest child must still be fairly young.


And yeah, he’s almost 11. He is my buddy and we are extremely close. I would do anything for that little boy and I feel like as long as he’s with me he will be ok. Daddy is not affectionate towards any of them either so they don’t have that closeness with him as they do with me. I think they would honestly be fine if we split.




DownByTheRiver said:


> But if you have the means to get out from under it then do so.


And I do make enough money on my own to support myself as well as my children if need be. I wouldn’t need/want anything from him if I left.

Its such a hard situation for me. I’m torn between doing the right thing and working harder on this marriage, or finally going on my own to discover who I am and what would make me happy. I’m definitely losing sleep over this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like it's run its course.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand completely. Due to a lot of factors including infidelity and my feeling devalued and basically used most of my 16 year marriage, I have come to the conclusion that I need to walk away too. He is not a bad man on the whole and by all appearances, we are perfect together. I just cannot stay and be true to myself anymore. That being said, it makes me incredibly sad. I have not told him yet but he knows something is up. It absolutely breaks my heart to think of how I am going to have to hurt him with this. I Ever since he figured that out, he had been the most helpful, loving, and affectionate man ever. Everything I wanted him to be before his wants destroyed us. It will destroy him but I doubt he will be alone long.

Definitely do not jump for a greener pasture, doesn't sound like you are, but bears repeating. The dissolution of a marriage is a terrible undertaking. I lov emy husband as the father of my children but I no longer have the love for him I believe a wife should have for her husband and that is not fair to either of us. If possible, I would I suggest you see a counselor for yourself. I recently did and she has already helped me tremendously identifying some codependent issues I never would have seen or admitted to. As much as you (I) think you are ready, it will still be devastating some days and to the children. It would be so much easier just to stay but I can't stand him trying to touch me. I get annoyed when he calls or texts. Sometimes you are just done and that's OK. I hope he is able to find someone to make him happy and move on. I wish you all the best in whatever path you take.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I just have a general observation. Long-term marriage to your soulmate/best friend is RARE. Many folks (especially women) are just tired/numb after all the work to sustain marriage after the limerence dies. There is longing for something more. There is longing to find themselves--again especially after they have given their all to family for a number of years. There is often longing for the perfect for them man or woman.

IMHO: Happiness is a choice. Making-do/persevering is a choice. When we gain in one area, we often lose in another. Do not know y'all well enough to say more. BTW: I am long-time divorced.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

The more I think about all of this, the more I believe I am having some sort of mid life crisis. I work with a lot of younger adults. They like to go have drinks and hang out late night. I get along with them so well and would love to go but my husband is not ok with that. I start resenting that I can’t have the freedom to do what I want. I see all of these happy people just living life and I am expected to be home and “act” like a mom. I see them with roommates and out dating and I realize I have never had that. The only time I lived alone was when I was single with two kids and working a million hours. I know that most people who are single would give anything to be in a good marriage with a home and family. I just can’t rid this feeling of having missed out on those independent years when I should have been discovering myself. I’ve been picking him apart and focusing on the differences. I don’t know what to do at this point. I will absolutely be seeing a counselor. I don’t know how many visits I can afford but I think I need to do that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mel1234 said:


> The more I think about all of this, the more I believe I am having some sort of mid life crisis. I work with a lot of younger adults. They like to go have drinks and hang out late night. I get along with them so well and would love to go but my husband is not ok with that. I start resenting that I can’t have the freedom to do what I want. I see all of these happy people just living life and I am expected to be home and “act” like a mom. I see them with roommates and out dating and I realize I have never had that. The only time I lived alone was when I was single with two kids and working a million hours. I know that most people who are single would give anything to be in a good marriage with a home and family. I just can’t rid this feeling of having missed out on those independent years when I should have been discovering myself. I’ve been picking him apart and focusing on the differences. I don’t know what to do at this point. I will absolutely be seeing a counselor. I don’t know how many visits I can afford but I think I need to do that.


Just to clarify, are you saying that you have not been going out with these young adults, but just wish you could participate in a similar lifestyle? Or have you been going out with them and hanging out?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think you have a good plan. Your not filled with anger... your just disappointed and that has allowed you to stay a little better focused than a lot of people we see here (Farmlady is doing well also). Lots of people have midlife breakdowns... I questioned a lot of things myself a few years back. I used that time to adjust the life I had ... not start a new one.


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## Mel1234 (Apr 18, 2020)

So I have I only been out with my coworkers a time or two. We work evenings, so we tend to get out late. This doesn’t allow me much time as I would be getting home at an inappropriate hour. There was one instance where it was a very large group of coworkers to celebrate a tough week. My H agreed it would be fine if I went, but continuously called me while I was there to see when I would be home. It was annoying and embarrassing. I ended up leaving because I couldn’t focus on enjoying myself while he was waiting for me. 

I feel and act much younger than I should for my age. I feel as though he is aging faster. He just seems tired and doesn’t want to do much. Now, I’m not trying to go to bars and clubs or anything like that. I’m just not ready to be retired and sitting in front of the tv all day. Idk, I just don’t know how to fix this rut. I don’t know how to feel love and passion for him like I did so many years ago. We just seem so different and I’m often sad and lonely.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Mel1234 Have you looked at relationship counselling?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

So sad, the saddest Thread in Two-O, Two-O.
For me.
For sure.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

William Herschel's planet is pulling on Mel's still warm sinew's, trying to separate her from her past.
Trying to make her start anew, with soon, a new beau.

Change starts from without, bringing a soul within its grasp.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mel1234 said:


> So I have I only been out with my coworkers a time or two. We work evenings, so we tend to get out late. This doesn’t allow me much time as I would be getting home at an inappropriate hour. There was one instance where it was a very large group of coworkers to celebrate a tough week. My H agreed it would be fine if I went, but continuously called me while I was there to see when I would be home. It was annoying and embarrassing. I ended up leaving because I couldn’t focus on enjoying myself while he was waiting for me.
> 
> I feel and act much younger than I should for my age. I feel as though he is aging faster. He just seems tired and doesn’t want to do much. Now, I’m not trying to go to bars and clubs or anything like that. I’m just not ready to be retired and sitting in front of the tv all day. Idk, I just don’t know how to fix this rut. I don’t know how to feel love and passion for him like I did so many years ago. We just seem so different and I’m often sad and lonely.


This is going to be a bit harsh but, here goes. The fact that you never got to be "single" is not your husband's fault, but it feels a bit like you don't want to take responsibility for it yourself. You may have been taken advantage of or coerced or what-have-you, but you still made choices along the way... if I recall correctly, you had a second kid with the evil bastard first husband? You had some choice in kid #2. For that matter, there may (or may not have been) opportunities to prevent kid #1. But it's possible you were, as I said, taken advantage of or raped or coerced. 

Along comes Mr. Wonderful who actually cares about your kids, and the baggage you bring to the marriage is resentment that you didn't get to have fun growing up because you were working your butt off supporting a dead beat husband and two kids. And over time that resentment becomes stronger than the bond and appreciation for this guy taking an interest in you and what you brought with you. Which brings you to, as you appropriately described it, an early mid-life crisis. 

@MattMatt suggested relationship counseling, but I think you need some heavy work first on yourself. Where will you be if you divorce? Will you be pushing your kids to the side, out of sight-out of mind, because you don't want them to interfere as you try to re-live the years you missed, the way you think they should have been? I think you really need to extrapolate out where all this goes. I don't think "relationship counseling" will go there. Relationship counseling will be about trying to find common ground and find again what you once had. But that won't give you peace. You'll just be compromising, and you sound like you're in a heavy resentment stage for all the compromising you've been doing.

Ouch. This doesn't sound very nice. But it's something to consider. Or at least something you can say "Hell no, that's not it AT ALL!!!" And if that's the case, thinking about why it's not might change your thinking a bit.

Best luck to you and your husband and your kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@Casual Observer is correct.

Sometimes, (while what is correct for you), badly hurts others.

You will hurt others if you divorce.

I suspect, in the long run, your (good man) husband will come out of this (not failure, on his part) rather well.
He will always remain a catch.

You, on the other hand, will always have this Wanderlust.
Many people experience its pull!
Umm..


Miracles, are very rare.

There is no (one man) on the Earth that can satisfy a woman's every need.
Satisfaction comes from within a person.

Pick a need, or a few, and seek to quell those only.

If it is strong romance and intimacy you seek, never marry again.

However, save your money for when you get old.

Once old, your charms, they fall by the wayside, slowly and relentlessly.

Plan on being alone, or in that 'limbo' place.

Don't count on a miracle. Your present relationship is likely as close to 'it' that you will 'get'

Note: We can be wrong. We remain conservative and wary. 

There may be a whole next chapter to your life, a good one. As we see it, your past endeavors lead us to 'think otherwise. The past lays markers, showing your vulnerabilities and your failings. It also shows your place in the soup that is life. Your environment gives 'more' the worth, we can only assume it. Your worth to others is etched in your past.

Read the signs, read the Tea leaves, your Tea leaves.
Umm.

_THM's- _


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