# I feel like the end is long over due, but he can't accept it...



## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

I met my husband in 1999 and started dating him in 2000. I really never meant it to go anywhere. It was more that I felt sorry for him and intended to boast his confidence, then break it off at my fault. Over the three years we dated, I could never come to ending it and instead, found myself deeply in love.

He had made it clear that he did not want kids, but shortly after our first anniversary, I couldn't get my birthcontrol filled as our work had us traveling constantly. Since the birth of our son seven years ago, everything has gone down hill. Sexually he worries about himself and I am never fulfilled. I've tried telling him and it gets worse. I tried faking it and it got worse. He refused to go to counseling, though he doesn't listen to other people's advice anyway.

Financially we have even more problems. He spends money constantly, knowing that I don't approve. I wear clothes that even Goodwill wouldn't sell while he wears expensive clothing. We have not been able to buy our son Christmas at all in seven years, except the year we lived off his parents while he blew all the money he made and gave them nothing. I feel guilty about buying anything because I know we can't afford it, but he doesn't care. I have had to rely on welfare and charities to pay our bills many times.

This year I quit school and started at a good job. Since I started, his checks have dropped to a hundred dollars a week and he blames everyone at work but himself. To make things worse, I was in a bad car wreck last week and cannot work right now. All the money I have made has had to go to bills and again, I have nothing to put toward Christmas.

My relationship to him has not been good in seven years. What makes it worse is that I still care for him as I do any friend and I have problems with hurting people. I do not love him.

I have been relying on my best friend and her husband more and more. My son even slips and calls her husband "Dad". I have talked to them for advice on making things better, but it has just made things more clear that I want more from life and marriage.

I have talked to my husband about wanting to end this, but he always turns it around on me. He throws our marriage vows into my face and says the bible says marriage is supposed to be forever. Meanwhile, while he is traveling for work, he has sent me pictures of him with a waitress sitting in his lap, though he swears it was not "that kind of bar" and nothing else happened.

Also, in the car wreck I hit my head and had a span where I have no memory from. I apparently called my friend and NOT my husband. When she saw how bad the wreck was and found he had no minutes on his phone, she texted him to let him know about the wreck. He responded asking how our son and vehicle were, but never asked about me until later when his parents put minutes on his phone.


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## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

I should add that he is an over the road truck driver. When he comes home once every two or three months, he treats our son like a buddy instead of being a dad, making me the bad guy in everything. Our son now has a bad sense of entitlement and also tries to get me to spend whatever bill money I have on him. By the second day my husband is home, my depression gets worse than ever and I just want him to leave again. How do I get over the guilt of hurting him so I can do what is best for use all?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

STOP FEELING you don't deserve any better, because YOU DO.
YOUR SON deserves better.
Your husband sounds like he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the spending ALL money on himself even at the expense of bills, or paying people you're mooching off of, everything is everyone else's fault, his own sense of entitlement, etc.)

1.) Look up the traits of NPD on the web; see if you think it fits your husband.
2.) If you think it fits, know that he will NEVER CHANGE and he'll NEVER get better.
3.) Forgive yourself for marrying him and sticking it out when he has repeatedly refused to improve his behavior.
4.) Know that you did the best you could; now that you CAN do better, you WILL do better...both for yourself and for your son.
5.) Leave him or kick him out the door. Be done. Show your son how a REAL adult lives (takes responsibility, pays bills on time, lives within his means, shares, takes care of other people's needs BEFORE his own 'wants', etc.)
6.) Ask yourself *WHY* you feel guilty for hurting him. DOES HE FEEL GUILTY FOR HURTING YOU? DOES HE FEEL GUILTY FOR SCREWING YOUR KID OUT OF CHRISTMAS EVERY SINGLE YEAR OF HIS LIFE? Does he feel guilty for mooching off his parents? For being unfaithful to you? For refusing to grow up?

The answer is "NO" he doesn't feel guilty. Taking your son and yourself to a better place in life where your son has a SHOT at growing up to be a normal man is not SELFISH. You should not feel GUILTY. Once you're out from under his thumb, you'll start to feel more confident. Concentrate on yourself and your son.


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## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

The only reason my son has had Christmas every year is the Salvation Army. I did not sign him up this year because I thought with both of us working it would be okay this time.

I had read about NPD before but never thought about him having it since he doesn't make it obvious that he thinks that highly of himself. When evaluated by a psycholgist, they said he had a Mood disorder Not Otherwise Specified. He refused to go back, so that's as far as we got with a diagnosis. This surprised me, since he is the type that would rather get a disability check than work, but I know that would just leave him more time to spend less money. 

His IQ is also about 30 points below what our son's was at 4 years old. My husband does like to brag about having some college, but I carried him through at the expense of my own grades. He is not college material. He couldn't make it even through remedials with tutoring. I always thought he just had low self esteem and was over compensating, but now that I read about NPD with him in mind, I'm not so sure...


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

i agree it sounds like NPD. These people will do everything they can to control you and one of their most effective tools is through creating guilt.
See this for what it is - their problem and not yours. Unfortunately you will never heal a person with NPD. It's either put up with it or walk away (and deal with the fallout).


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## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

Thanks for the great advice. I know what I need to do, just have to stick with it now...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why do you have to just stick with it for now?

Start making a plan to get out of this mess. While your situation isn't as bad as some of threads here (he isn't physically abusing or threatening you) - it is also unlikely to improve. Your husband seems to have little to no ambition, and yet the desire to spend money like its on fire, with little to no concern about you or your son. 

I mean - no offense to other truckers, but - why does a trucker need to spend that much money on clothes, particularly when he's "on the job" and in the cab for all hours of the night and day. Is it for the off-chance some waitress likes what she sees? That picture tells me this is a possibility. 

Your son has to get gifts from the Salvation Army because his father has no shame in not providing for him. The older your son gets, and the more your husband teaches him to be thoughtful and self-serving the more and more trouble you are going to have with him alone as the primary caregiver. Right now he's 7 - imagine what will happen when he's 13 and he's been taught that everything is about him. 

Your situation won't improve with this man. No matter how much money you make - he'll spend it and you and your son will continue to live with hand-me-downs and hand to mouth.


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## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

I mean I have to leave and stick by that desicion. I know it won't be easy and he will try everything to keep me from leaving, but even our close friends have said he only gets worse over time and nothing will change unless I leave.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Do your feelings for your best friends husband have anything to do with your decision to leave?


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## Unhappily_married (Nov 17, 2012)

Indirectly. It has made me realize that after all these years of being ignored and neglected, I am not in love with my husband anymore and haven't been for years.

I will still be leaving regardless of what I decide about my friends husband. I have not told her husband how I feel, but I can't deny it either. Luckily he has not asked directly if I love him, but he has said he believes that I do...


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