# never been here before but really need advice



## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

I didn't know this website existed yesterday...and I can't believe I'm on here now. I live in California though and all of my friends and family are back in Maine so if you have any advice, I could really use it right now as I feel really alone with no outlet.

My husband has been suffering through a severe bout of depression and anxiety and is currently on medication. He's spoken cryptically recently and has raised a red flag of concern to me over possibly hurting himself. 

He had a severe episode and it made me really scared. He sat alone at the computer on facebook for about 5 hours and told me he needed to try and clear his head. Finally he came to bed but was texting constantly and hiding it from my view.

I fully believe in privacy and trust in a relationship (and for the record have never done anything like this), but I checked through some of his outgoing texts to see if there was anything dangerous going on (and if i should get him to a hospital asap). 

Instead of finding just text messages to one of his guy friends (he talks to him about his depression which was who & what he said he was texting when i asked him the night prior), i found text messages to a woman i work with (whom we have gone on double "date nites" with and she had just separated from her husband days prior) saying he just sent her a long email and how he has decided he wants to spend more time with her and give them a chance and how he has off on Friday and wants to spend the day with her and how excited he is and how he's glad she knows how he feels now.

I never thought our marriage was in trouble. We were seeking him help for depression, we do fun things together, we talk, we aren't distant. 

I asked him what he was texting her about at 3 in the morning (trying to give him an opportunity to confess) and instead of taking it he lied to me and said it was about her husband and their divorce. This has hurt me even more than the initial findings.

I feel like I've been stabbed through the soul and I'm alone out here. Looking for some advice.Trying to set up an appointment with a marriage counselor...but in the meantime do i come right out and tell him i know and see his reaction? Personally I'd rather wait for him to tell me of his own free will (as that way I know he's finally being honest with me and we can start moving forward to possibly mending our relationship). But I also find myself wanting to tell him i know at the same time. 

I'm so stuck and could really use anything right now.


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## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

also- do i ask her at work? or should i only talk to my husband?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So sorry you are going though this. You have definitely got bigger problems than depression now. I'm guessing your husband is in his 40s??? It's the typical pattern. Anyway.....

Right now your husband is in denial. If you confront him at this point, he is going to stick to his story--he is helping this poor woman though her divorce. Make sure you keep copies of these text messages. Since he has plans of meeting this woman on Friday, there's your chance. Perhaps you need to call in sick and find a way to get more evidence. The sooner you can nail him with real evidence the better. Then you can confront him. Don't confront the OW just yet. Belief me; if you confront without rock solid proof, both of them will have you even doubting yourself. How long do you think this has been going on? I'm just wondering if his "depression" is really all depression or perhaps some guilt.


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## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

thank you so much for that. 

He's in his 30's (as am I). I don't know how I would get copies of his text messages (they are on his phone, I pay for our accounts though). I went to check them yesterday when he was in the shower but they had all been deleted.

I won't confront her, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle work with her there. I don't know if it's reciprocated or if it was him making a pass at her. She's off for a few days and returns to work on Monday. I think I will stay home tomorrow though and see what happens.

He really is suffering through depression. I know sometimes people make stupid mistakes when that happens. I'm not trying to justify it (I think...) because I'm not really sure how I feel about the whole thing right now. I'm raw and alone for sure, but I'm hoping this is something we can work through. I think everyone makes mistakes - once. Right now I feel like I'm willing to try and work this out through counseling (again, once...if it happens again that's a whole other ball of wax).

I'm not sure how I'd get more proof before confronting him. He's changed his universal password so I can't see his facebook account - plus I feel really slimy for checking in the first place. How can I get more proof?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You must be feeling horrible right now. It is torture for the betrayed spouse. Because you are willing to take some time befor a confronataion, you should do alot of reading to get a grasp on infidelity. Marriagebuiders.com is a great place to start. Most people on this site trust the advise and theory posted there.
You will find that your husband's behavior is very predictable. Even when you do have conclusive evidence it is likely he will deny everything and be very angry. A marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive infidelity. Keep this in the front of your mind. Whether it is an emotional or a physical Affair it still is an affair. Your marriage cannot recover until the affair is over. This information is the tip of the iceberg. These are some of the basic principles. Reread them and make them your foundation to recovery.
As for the pain you are feeling, at times it may be overwhelming. You need to stay strong and confident. The betrayed spouse usually sffers and extreme drop in confidnce and starts thinking they are wothless. Come here and post. We will support you. You are in your own sort of fog. We will help you come out of it. Post early and often. It provides a great deal of relief. Now get to work.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Your husband is in an Emotional Affair. Do not pretend or assume anything else, do not make excuses for him. He knows exactly what he is doing.



Please read the threads below. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15211-i-caught-my-husband-phone-another-woman.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...emotionally-involved-just-sex.html#post170503

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...band-madly-love-married-woman.html#post170372

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nsed-version-i-dont-want-over.html#post170101


First steps for now: Tell him to stop now..

The affair needs to stop for the marriage to be rebuilt

Send a no contact letter, sample in the threads

If he declines tell everyone he cares for, family friends etc. gather the evidence and use this for the task

All access to text messages, mail accounts to given to you .

Post when you have done these or some of them we will support you thereafter

Privacy is going to the loo secrecy is deceit

Stay strong


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## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

Thank you so much for your replies. I can't even express what they mean to me. I've spent most of the morning reading through those links and marriage builder. It's definitely explained a lot. I'm hoping it'll sink in...I'm still really hazy.

I ended up having to drop him off at work today because his car is in the shop. I still don't know if this was just him professing himself after drinking copious amounts of alcohol with the depression episode (the night he had that episode he drank over a third of a bottle of whiskey...I hadn't mentioned that before) or what.

I do want to ask him flat out but after reading all this now it looks like most of the time they just get angry and deny it. Should I wait to ask flat out until the marriage counselor session? If he denies it that will be like a whole new sword pushing through me. I'm not sure how I would handle that.

Also, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle working with her on Monday. She normally comes into my office to chat a few times a day. Do I not talk to her & give her the cold shoulder? I'm figuring that would give her a flag that I know though and tell him and then I won't be able to find any evidence of proof and he'll clam up even more in denial. I can't just talk with her though like everything is normal or I might explode.

I guess one positive thing that's come up is that we spoke last night about our marriage, fears, and recent feelings. Mine-my family is tight knit/very close/family first but none of them have had successful marriages at all which makes me wonder if I'm doing the right things or not giving enough credence to things by thinking big things are small and small things are big...and that I wonder if I tell him and show him that I love him, appreciate him, and care. Him- he's afraid of repeating his past. He said that the last time he went through depression his girlfriend at the time thought that he didn't care about her and kept pushing her away and that she finally left him & is afraid I'll do the same so he wonders if he should let go rather than put me through extreme agony.

I still feel so lost and very sad that so many others on here are going through a similar experience.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Not sure how big your company is, but HR may have a confidential resource for you. I would go there and get advice. Sounds to me like this co-worker is totally crossing the line - as is your H. Just talk to HR about getting advice.

I took the path of confronting immediately - lost a lot of evidence that way. BUT when I was walking out the door his life certainly flashed before him. He broke down and hit rock bottom. 

Good luck. I'm sorry.


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## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

How's this for awesome? She is our HR manager.


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## CTho76 (Jul 30, 2010)

I also don't know if she has the same feelings or if she turned him down. One of the texts he sent to her said "It's ok, I'm just glad that you know how I feel now".


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Well, that is good news. ****How's this for awesome? She is our HR manager. ***

Go visit her and bring up in the conversation that you are aware that there are inappropriate text messages between them and that you are uncomfortable with it.

Leave it at that, being in HR she will be more than aware what the next step is.

She may even tell you about your husband’s behaviour. Perhaps he is pursuing her, your conversation should close it down, let your husband know that you had a chat about the text content. No detail let him ponder.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Put on your best smile when you do this.

Thereafter you need to get him in to a councellor, this is not something you need in your marriage


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