# How do I know when to call it quits?



## GregQuincy07 (May 25, 2011)

I'm a 30 y/o male who has been married to my wife for almost 2 years. We dated for two years prior to the marriage, and lived together for a year before marriage. She already had a lovely little girl before we got married. We now have a 8 m/o son together. I have a good job, and naturally, work full time, sometime up to 60 hours per week, while we agreed to let her start working part-time so she could have more time with the kids, housework, etc (her suggestion). 
When we first got together, we were very physical, did things together, and she actually acted like she cared if I was around. Now things have gone dry. We don't ever do anything together outside of watching TV together, in which we never sit together. Our sex life has gone by the wayside as well. She has admitted that her sex drive isn't what it used to be, but offers no intention on trying to work on this, be it medical reasons, psychological, etc. She only wants sex once or twice per month, and I've tried several times talking to her about this in a non-confrontational manner, but she always changes the subject, or ignores me when I talk to her about this. When we are intimate together, it is always rushed, and she never does anything to spice it up (lingerie, lights on, candles lit, etc) because she is very self-conscious about her body. I've told her on several occassions that I'm very attracted to her, but she doesn't believe me, or something.

She also isn't very affectionate....she used to be more affectionate than she is now. She calls me needy from time to time, and I've been feeling really rejected to the point to where I'm starting to get depressed. She never asks how my day at work has gone, and only seems to get excited about events that involve other people too (i.e. she doesn't ever show excitement when "WE" are supposed to try to have a date night, etc).

We also have a BIG blowup argument about once every two weeks or so. And I've usually got to be the one to say I'm sorry first. There are other issues with our marriage as well. She won't let go of her parents enough for us to have a healthy relationship. They continually do things for her financially, and constantly reassure her that if our marriage doesn't work, that they'll be there for her financially, so she knows she doesn't even have to let our marriage work, and meanwhile, my family has to jump through hoops in order to get her to come around them. We have a lot of common interests, but I feel like she needs a doormat, and that's not who I am, but am starting to feel like one. I am also starting to become bitter, and I don't want to feel that way. I feel like I'm fighting an up-hill battle, and if it wasn't for my son, then I know I'd already have left. I have many needs in this marriage that aren't being met. Meanwhile, I help her out with the kids, clean the house, and provide for her without question. I've mentioned marriage counseling, but she says that if we do, then she won't participate. What else can I do? Should I just bite the bullet and leave her? She says she loves me, but doesn't act like it unless there are other around. I am starting to believe that we are two different people, and simply won't be able to make each other happy. Any advice that anyone can give would be greatly appreciated!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Sometimes I wonder if you just showed her just what you typed out here, or even told her yourself and start out by saying that you are saying this as her friend who desperately wants to fix things, and not just as a husband, what would she do? How do you think she would take it? 

But then, sometimes...especially if you are the one giving in all the time, you just have to put your foot down and say, "I can't keep living like this, we need to work together to do something to change things, my feelings and needs matter too, and this has to be two-sided. I need your input too because I can't do it on my own." She needs to be willing to be part of the solution, or else the only solution will be to go your seperate ways.


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Wow Greg. You just described my wife perfectly! Only difference is I'm eight years into it and have never once considered divorce as an option. But now, she resents me for always wanting to see more effort out of her and never being content with what she has to offer. And trust me, the parents ARE a problem. She will always have that security net to fall back on. As long as she's still their little baby they will never allow her to fail or face the consequences of her decisions. She sounds immature and lacks the true understanding of committment, unconditional love, and self sacrafice... much like my wife.

The problem is likely not you. She is her own worst enemy but will blame you for it. Then someday (as in my situation) she'll check out on you and blame you for making her miserable all these years. For not being content and always expecting more than she has to give. You'll be called controlling, manipulative, and selfish. She may tell you that nothing she does seems good enough for you and she will never be able to make you happy.

Sadly, she'll be right... (here's where I take this a different direction). Having performance based "expectations" in a marriage will destroy your marriage. It goes against logic and feeling I know. But when you said your vows you committed to love your wife unconditionally. You didn't say you would love her based on how she loves you. Your role is to love her even when you don't want to. You can be as happy in this marriage as you want to be. You can love loving her regardless of what you're getting in return. Over time, that will have an affect on her. Make no mistake, she's wrong. In a perfect world she would be practicing the exact same advice that I'm giving you. But she's not and that's not your concern. Its frustrating to the core. But your job is to love and accept her for who she is. And if you do get something in return from her, then great! But that can't be your goal. She sounds selfish and immature. But if you have tried to express your feelings and lack of connection then you've told her all she needs to know. It will be up to her to come to the realization that she is not putting enough effort into your relationship. Your job? Make sure YOU are putting everything into the relationship without wanting something in return and pray that someday she will realize how important it is to reciprocate.

If you love your wife and want to be with her to the end... Do what I'm telling you before you end up where I'm at. I have done nothing but LOVE my wife with all my heart for eight years. For the past couple years we have become more and more disconnected. As recently as 6 months ago we were both trying really hard to re-connect. And we were. But it wasn't happening fast enough for me and I didn't feel like she was putting in the same effort as me. I made the mistake of telling her this. She felt like she was trying and my being expressive of my needs made her feel like she wasn't doing a good enough job. She shuts down in the face of conflict when I want to talk it out and work through stuff. This comes across as overbearing and disrespectful of her needs. Now we have been separated for nearly 3 months, her mommy and daddy put her up in their house until they recently bought her a house! She is not having to pay them any rent until "she's on her feet." She has been angry and cold toward me most of the last 3 months (a lot of it because I've been begging, scolding, crying, etc...). She says she's trying to find herself and wants to be independent because she has been in my shadow for so long. Now that a few weeks have gone by without my begging, pleading, scolding... it feels like she's having a hard time staying angry (as she really had nothing to be angry with me about in the first place) and we are just barely starting to talk like casual aquantences again. I pray that we can endure this but part of me believes she is done and just waiting for our legal separation to be final before divorce.

Its a nightmare. take action now! Good luck


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## GregQuincy07 (May 25, 2011)

Thank you for your advice, but I have tried telling her everything that I've written about on more than one occassion. It is difficult to love her and keep on giving, when its been like this practically since we got married. It's almost as if a switch was flipped when I said "I do". I see your point on making an emphasis on performance, but this marriage is interfering with everything in my life including my relationship with my family, friends, and sometimes even my job. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I do know that I will make an effort to make things work, but if she doesn't get on board, then I will have no choice but to leave her and file for divorce. 

She's a good mother, don't get me wrong, but it seems as if she's incapable of being both a wife and mother. Once again, thanks for your advice, and thank you for sharing your story....it did help put some things in perspective.


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