# Mess



## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

I am a 30 year old mother of three young kids. I have been married for 8 years, and have been with my husband since we were 14. My husband could be so nice at times, but he always had a darker angrier side that would appear over the smallest things. I can barely remember a time without him, which is why I think I put up with so much. I never really thought of him as an abuser, but could see that we were stuck in a pretty chaotic cycle. When our oldest was born I pretty much let him do whatever and I watched our son. Life got more difficult after each kid, and his anger escalated. I suppose I never thought of anything as abuse, just anger that got out of hand. He did choke me a few times, threw things and pushed me, but honestly I thought since I never had a black eye or lasting physical injury it was permissible. Of course some part of me knew it would look bad, and I always covered for him. 
He is also an opiod addict, and his addiction has worsened over the last year. Everything came to a head this past week.
Last Saturday we went to an amusement park, it was not fun. He was mean, rude, and impatient. He went off to the bathroom multiple times before I realized he was getting high in there. On the way home he threatened to leave me at the gas station (an hour from our home). Once we got home our cranky 4 year old refused to get out of the van. My husband chased after him yelling like a crazy person. My son ran to the top bunk and my husband jumped up to hit him, I got in the middle and my husband threw me off the top bunk. I hit my head very hard, he then jumped down and threw my computer at me. After this he left for a few hours. I realized then that he was ruining our sons innocence. I gave him an ultimatum to either go to rehab or we would leave. He did not go and we left. 
He lost his mind. He refused to move his vehicle so I could get our stuff, he took my phone, told me he was sleeping with someone the previous night. I left. Then he called over 30 times telling me I would regret not bringing the kids back that night. The next day (yesterday) he called non stop telling me he would “Kill Me” or “Put me in the dirt.” I called the police and explained everything to a nice officer who said he would spend 24 hours in jail, for pushing me off the bunk and throwing the computer. He has still not been picked up but from what I understand will likely be tomorrow at work. Maybe I am just posting so that I can re read this and know that I sound crazy, because a part of me wants to call him and apologize, make it all better. I feel guilty, he does love his kids and I don’t want to keep them from having that relationship, but right now he has lost it. I don’t want to ruin his life by having him arrested. I am just venting, to you lovely strangers because my mom is on hospice and I have no friends. I just want to know this is right, I want my kids to be kids not terrified.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

Ha, like he rode any rides.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I feel guilty, he does love his kids and I don’t want to keep them from having that relationship, but right now he has lost it. " Trying to hit a 4 year old in a rage is NOT LOVING his kids. You NEED to get him arrested -- all of what you spoke about is abuse, and allowing a person on an opioid high around your kids and you with NO self-control engaged is serious. Do NOT allow him to be alone with your and your children -- Have your phone and record your conversations (or buy a Voice Activated recorded and use that) -- he is dangerous.

You need to make sure your finances are in order, and get with a lawyer to protect yourself and your children. 

"Maybe I am just posting so that I can re read this and know that I sound crazy, because a part of me wants to call him and apologize, make it all better." 

You are NOT CRAZY, you did nothing wrong HE did. DO NOT apologize -- it just legitimizes his actions in his mind -- it's ok because YOU are ok with it. It is wrong.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

Thank you. I am done, because we have kids and this is crazy. Its just so hard when he calls non stop and twists things, I start to feel crazy. It all sounds so "Lifetime Movie" when I really type it out, and honestly I feel like a crap mom for staying so long. Then I just feel even more guilty. I feel like I became one of those women that everyone can't stand because they don't leave. I don't even know how it got like this, or how I got ok with it. These past few days have been hard, but honestly the kids only mentioned him once and it is so peaceful now.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

And Hunkel, I get the sarcasm, I already know I am a fool for sticking it out so long, ok?


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

So the fact that he has tried to choke you increases the odds that he will kill you. Stop feeling guilty and realize that you are trying to save your life and the life of your kids. You are in a very scary and dangerous position. I am honestly scared for you.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

Blah. I know. It just sucks. But, I am definitely NOT going back, I just need to stop all communication. My dad is helping me obtain a lawyer tomorrow (didn't plan the lawyer fund). I was just having a moment of weakness.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Ma’am, first, while he is incarcerated, avail yourself of an attorney. You and the children require a restraining order. Next, do you have family nearby? Is so please go there, if not, there are women’s shelters. The police know domestic violence, they have resources. He has shown that he is a danger to you and the kids. By all means tip the police off that he may be holding illegal drugs. DO NOT Listen to him begging to come home. Time for tough love, or the withdrawal of same. DO NOT allow him access to the children. NOT FOR A LONG TIME he is untrustworthy, he will wage a psychological battle.

Please see an attorney. Start divorce procedures. Use this as leverage to get him into treatment. Don’t take this as anything other than a threat to your and your children’s health and safety. Wife beaters do not cure easily. He will escalate. I have attended many an emergency legal meeting looking at a near unrecognizeable woman made bruised and bloody, by the man she trusted most. I have attended a child’s funeral, a precious girl smashed to the ground and shaken to death by an animal who once called himself father, who,may he rot and roast in the deepest pit of hell, eternally torn to death by rabid dogs, in seething unending pain, claiming temporary insanity. (One of my ex con clients assured me, that the prison hierarchy cannot wait to deal with him- I suggested slow castration with a knife dipped in feces- so that the castration will not kill him, the infectio will do it slowly and painfully.)

If a father can harm a child, he is capable of anything. Be safe. Get help today.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

Thank you for your reply. I am contacting an attorney tomorrow. I do have family, most of them thought I was crazy, that I had just decided to leave. They knew he had a past history with opioids, and that he left rehab after 3 days before. but they thought he was clean (because I said he was- not proud of that). After I finally came clean about everything my dad still scared me that if I told the whole truth I could be in trouble, that I had put my kids around that crap. I do not care now, because their safety matters most, but it hurt that they were not very supportive. Luckily (well not really lucky)my brother helped me get a refrigerator and my husband called screaming at me and I finally had a family member witness a death threat. The kids and I are out of the house, (I had hidden some money so that he couldn't spend it all on pills) and he does not know where we live, although one of his sisters does- but they are not speaking because he lost it yelling at her too. I am not too worried today, but I am concerned for after he gets out of jail (if they pick him up tomorrow).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll throw in that his tactics may shift. If abuse and begging doesn't work he may try love bombing.

He will continue to look for ways to manipulate you for a while to the extent that he can contact you. 

Be prepared.


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

As the other posters have said he's going to try different tactics and being really nice to you even begging and pleading out of desperation to make you feel guilty is very common. It's going to be hard to resist.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Is it @EleGirl who has the plan? OP, contact your local women's shelter for help on a safe exit plan. An open exit plan is dangerous.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

I got a protection order today, and hired an attorney to file for divorce. After I got home he text me, telling me he is detoxing and that he didn't mean the things he said. Why???? Why mess with my head, now I am just sad. I know its for the best, I don't want to be with someone who could so casually threaten to kill me, but I miss him. Crazy. I guess ya'll were right. Blah.


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

amandasusan said:


> he text me, telling me he is detoxing and that he didn't mean the things he said. Why???? Why mess with my head, now I am just sad.


Because he doesn't want to change the life he has now which is convenient for him and a nightmare for you. But this is all about him and what he wants. He isn't worried about how it is for you. He never has been.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

amandasusan said:


> I got a protection order today, and hired an attorney to file for divorce. After I got home he text me, telling me he is detoxing and that he didn't mean the things he said. Why???? Why mess with my head, now I am just sad. I know its for the best, I don't want to be with someone who could so casually threaten to kill me, but I miss him. Crazy. I guess ya'll were right. Blah.


Why? Because that's what addicts and abusers do. He is still crazy. Your life and the lives of your children are in danger even now. Do not go near him. How long does the restraining order last? You need it to be permanent. This is extremely serious. Nothing is more important than protecting your children's lives and your own life.

He has cut off any reason why you should ever have anything to do with him again. Even if he goes to rehab and gets better, it will literally take him years and years to work through his anger and murderous tendencies. Most people are never able to do that, especially if they get this far into dysfunction.

Let go of any hopes and dreams you had of making your family work with him. He is not able to fulfill your hopes or dreams. Begin to form a new hope for the future. Attend counseling for battered women. You are a battered woman, whether you want to face it or not. Do not minimize this situation. The time for that is over. You are moving into a new direction that is safer and better for you and your children. Be aware, however, that this is a dangerous time for you and the children since you have left him, but if you go back to him you are very likely to be killed. I recommend you do some reading on this subject to face the reality of how bad things really are.


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

The protection order is good news.

Because he isn't supposed to contact you, even via a third party to relay messages. 

Makes it harder for him to manipulate you into think it will be different this time.

If he DOES contact you try to save the proof and call the authorities.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

I truly appreciate everyones comments. I have always known on some level that his behavior wasn't normal, but not everyone saw the real him. My family still acts like it wasn't really abuse. My dad didn't understand why I got the protection order, he said "He was just mad." All of my friends (all 2 of em) are also mutual friends with him, they tell me its just the drugs, that he didn't mean it. It makes it so hard to keep perspective. I annoy myself with the back and forth feelings. I can't go back, I won't. Child protective services is coming to see our new house, because the police are required to hotline domestic abuse calls, the officer said the case would be closed quickly for me (they're safe, have food, beds, more toys than needed), but he will be investigated. I won't do anything to jeopardize my kids; they're my whole life. Anyways, thanks, and maybe I will get some counseling to prevent me from ever putting myself back in that position.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

ok, this is coming from a woman who was for 7 years in a abusive relationship. I almost lost my life, so what I am telling you now is true and you better take it serious.


STOP talking to him. STOP telling him what are you going to do as next. LEAVE, and I mean leave in another city, better yet, State! Don't tell him nor his family/friends. Just take your kids , take all your papers that you will need and LEAVE. And never look back. You don't want to be on the news that you got set on fire, ok? 

Oh, and get him arrested asap! He ruined his life already, a stay at the jail is good for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

amandasusan said:


> I truly appreciate everyones comments. I have always known on some level that his behavior wasn't normal, but not everyone saw the real him. My family still acts like it wasn't really abuse. My dad didn't understand why I got the protection order, he said "He was just mad." All of my friends (all 2 of em) are also mutual friends with him, they tell me its just the drugs, that he didn't mean it. It makes it so hard to keep perspective. I annoy myself with the back and forth feelings. I can't go back, I won't. Child protective services is coming to see our new house, because the police are required to hotline domestic abuse calls, the officer said the case would be closed quickly for me (they're safe, have food, beds, more toys than needed), but he will be investigated. I won't do anything to jeopardize my kids; they're my whole life. Anyways, thanks, and maybe I will get some counseling to prevent me from ever putting myself back in that position.


Your husband, like most abusers showed his anger mostly in private, behind closed doors.

You are right to get yourself and your children away from him for all of your safety. Those are not idle threats. He's hurt you before and has hurt your children. It does not take much more than he has already done for him to kill you. When he threw you off the bunk bed you could have hit your head and died. This is serious stuff.

One thing you need to stop doing is talking to him. If he calls, do not answer. If he texts, only answer after taking a few hours to think about your reply and then only respond to topics that are the business of divorce and things about your children. Your lawyer can help you setup a way to communicate with him either through the lawyer or only via text and/or email.

Take the death threats seriously. You have to because they are a good indicator that he is escalating.

You might want to consider getting a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you, running any time you might be talking to your husband. This should get you some proof that might help you protect yourself and your children from him.


You would benefit from getting into some counseling with a domestic violence organization. Here's the link to the national domestic violence hotline: *Home - The National Domestic Violence Hotline* 

They also have a national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

They have online and internet chat to help you through this and can help you find a local organization that can help you.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Amanda Susan 
The unfortunate fact is that abusers escalate. For anonymity’s saKe, I cannot reveal much, but a close relative of my wife, someone who I formerly respected, put his foot to his wife’s backside, because, she had spent a week helping and consoling her mother, following her step- father’s death. I was a large guy at the time, and I rushed to her defence, intercepting his hand before he could strike another blow. I was warned that I would no longer be accepted in that family. I proceeded to return the favour shown to his wife. I assured him that if he ever touched her in anger ever again, I would put him six feet under. I then broke a couple of fingers to drive home my point. You never heard an elder cry like a little girl. Amazed me that a callous abuser was hyper sensitive to retribution. Showed me that they lack empathy at any level. 

AS, he is a danger. You will see in the coming weeks, what a lowlife you married. Please stay away, for your kids’ sake.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

amandasusan said:


> I got a protection order today, and hired an attorney to file for divorce. After I got home he text me, telling me he is detoxing and that he didn't mean the things he said. Why???? Why mess with my head, now I am just sad. I know its for the best, I don't want to be with someone who could so casually threaten to kill me, but I miss him. Crazy. I guess ya'll were right. Blah.


Opiods you said, right? His head has been magical thinking for a while. If he is excusing his behavior over the drugs or the detoxing, he has a long journey ahead of him.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

amandasusan said:


> I truly appreciate everyones comments. I have always known on some level that his behavior wasn't normal, but not everyone saw the real him. My family still acts like it wasn't really abuse. My dad didn't understand why I got the protection order, he said "He was just mad." All of my friends (all 2 of em) are also mutual friends with him, they tell me its just the drugs, that he didn't mean it. It makes it so hard to keep perspective. I annoy myself with the back and forth feelings. I can't go back, I won't. Child protective services is coming to see our new house, because the police are required to hotline domestic abuse calls, the officer said the case would be closed quickly for me (they're safe, have food, beds, more toys than needed), but he will be investigated. I won't do anything to jeopardize my kids; they're my whole life. Anyways, thanks, and maybe I will get some counseling to prevent me from ever putting myself back in that position.


Don't listen to ANY of the "he is just mad", "It is just drugs" stuff. Every person saying that is an abuse enabler. Yes, they are.

Stay the course.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@amandasusan, first of all, you aren't crazy, and secondly, I commend you for your bravery in taking your kids and leaving a dangerous situation with a dangerous man. Thirdly, I'm sure that he does love your children, but having children around someone like that teaches them that violence is okay. For him to tell you things like he'll "kill you" or "put you in the dirt" is not okay at all. I once dated a guy who was a big fisherman. He was fun to be around, but like your husband, he also had a mean streak. To boot, he was in law enforcement! He told me a couple times that one day, I'd be "swimming with the fishies". At first, I thought he was just joking, but then I read the Scott Peterson book, and realized that like Peterson, my BF was also a sociopath. I broke up with him over the phone because at that point, I was scared of him. I'm not saying that your husband is a sociopath, but he's a drug addict, and he's hurt you. If you hadn't gotten in between him and your son, he'd have probably hurt your son, too. And, a 4 year old isn't going to win against a grown man.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

amandasusan said:


> Thank you. I am done, because we have kids and this is crazy. *Its just so hard when he calls non stop and twists things, I start to feel crazy.* It all sounds so "Lifetime Movie" when I really type it out, and honestly I feel like a crap mom for staying so long. Then I just feel even more guilty. I feel like I became one of those women that everyone can't stand because they don't leave. I don't even know how it got like this, or how I got ok with it. These past few days have been hard, but honestly the kids only mentioned him once and it is so peaceful now.


Look up the term "gas lighting".


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

amandasusan said:


> My dad didn't understand why I got the protection order, he said "He was just mad."


You might just want to have a chat with your mom and ask her if dad has thrown objects her way during any recent disagreements, given that he doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Opiods you said, right? His head has been magical thinking for a while. If he is excusing his behavior over the drugs or the detoxing, he has a long journey ahead of him.


Yes, and it takes LOADS more than a few days of detoxing to be fully clear of drugs and clear-headed once again. This is his desperation talking.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He is very likely going to say everything he can think of to convince you to stay. Don't fall for it. And don't let your family convince you this isn't extremely serious. If that's how they really think then they're part of the problem.


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## amandasusan (May 21, 2018)

Thanks. My dad has always been that way. He and I actually got into several fights that turned physical when I was a teenager (he pushed me, and kicked me down a couple of stairs). I just need him right now, because well, he did pay the lawyer fee. I am trying hard to be strong, just cry after the kids go to bed lol. I did make an appointment with a counselor at our local YWCA. It's just all awful.


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