# The error of my ways...am i too late?



## Clank75

Hi everyone, i've been married for 16 years and over the last 4 months my wife finally has decided that she wants to move out come January. I will be as thorough as possible below about the last 16 years and what's led to this.

Over the 16 years of our marriage, i have been a pretty lousy guy at times. I never cheated on her, or was ever physically abusive. It was more along the lines of emotional abuse that has led me to where i am today. Over the years, i would be pretty controlling of her, getting mad when she would want to do things, or just basically whenever she would want to do something that i didn't agree with. I have also been pretty unsupportive of the things that she would enjoy or want to do, and would be pretty discouraging. Over the same amount of time we would have our ups and downs where we would have good times, but things would always end up with me not being the husband that i always should've been. Making very selfish decisions, and just generally not putting her first. The straw that broke the camel's back was this past July when (although i normally do) this time i chose to not go down camping with her and my kids and the rest of the family for a period of 7 days. I instead only went down for a day, then came back home. It was incredibly stupid and selfish of me, and i know that now. It was a combination of that one big selfish decision, along with (as she put it) how much of a great time she had without me there that has led her to say that she wants to move out because she has basically been living as a single mom all these years, and now just wants to do it. She hasn't said she wants a divorce, and is treating this decision as if it was a temporary thing so that she can "get better from all the hurt she's felt over the years". She has said to me though that at this point she feels that things can't get better and that's why she needs to move out.

As for me, i am absolutely devastated by all of this. Since this conversation with her happened around 5 months ago, i have changed and have become a better person. I am putting her and my children 100% first in my life, and i am helping out around the house and doing things that i would never do in the past. As for my relationship with her right now, it isn't good. She is so angry at me that any interactions are minor and she won't kiss me, let alone have any sexual relations with me. When i try to do nice things for her like send her flowers, buy her things, it actually makes her angry. When i ask why she says "You haven't put any attention into me for many years, so when you do it now, i don't want it". I know that she's seeing that i am changing for the better and she flat out told me that it makes her mad the better i get. The reasoning behind it being that "All these years i wanted you to be that for me...now that i'm serious about leaving and can leave, you want to change, and it just makes me so mad." Another thing...when she first told me all this 5 months ago, we would still kiss and have sex sometimes. But as time as proceeded to now, all of that has been taken away. When i ask about that, she says "You suddenly making changes and getting better and all of this weve been talking about (the last 16 years of things ive done) has ripped the bandaid off and all the hurt and emotions are coming out". She also is in a position where she can't (financially) move out right away, and she's getting mad about that too saying that she feels trapped and can't get herself better.

I love her so much, and i'm really putting everything i have into making myself better, and im hoping at some point that things will work out and she will give me another chance. But right now, things are not looking good and she's convinced that she has to move out in order to heal since "she can't get better in the environment that has hurt her all these years". So am i too late? Like i still tell her i love her and stuff like that but she doesn't say it back. I know she loves me though, and she's said she does, but she says that she doesn't want to say it right now because it doesn't feel right to her.

So the dilemna is....do i continue to fight for her despite the fact that it's making her mad, with the hope that she'll hopefully remember that i did fight for her, become a better husband and father and love her through this, despite how she pushed me away? Or do i let her continue on her current path, and start to distance myself and stop trying and just let her figure out what she wants/needs without me trying to fight?


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## 36Separated

my mrs did this 8 year back - i left her alone - she came back. She did again 4months back - i chased her - she now divorcing me and with another guy... so id say leave her alone


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## stilllookingup

That sounds similar to my case. When my husband blew up I changed for the better. Mine is not mad at me though but he looks sad at times. I know he's been hurt by my behavior for the past years and all I can do is to take full responsibility of my mistakes and change for the better but whenever I see his sad face I can't even show my affections and I'm very discouraged.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MiriRose

I'm sorry you're dealing with your wife's anger, I imagine it must be very difficult for you right now. It's great that you're making an effort to be a better husband, and I hope you won't give up hope for your marriage. Maybe your wife needs some more time to rebuild trust? It sounds like she is struggling with letting go of some of the past hurts she's experienced. I have said a prayer for you both. 

There are a couple links from Focus on the Family that might help. They have some articles on Communication and Conflict and Strengthening Your Marriage. I work with Focus, and they have a staff of caring phone counselors available to speak with you for free if you think that would be helpful.

Hope things begin to turn around in your marriage very soon. God bless you!


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## indiecat

If your displays of love/devotion are making her mad then stop them. Do your chores around the house, spend time with the kids but otherwise keep rather quiet. 

If she asks why you are quiet, tell her that you want to give her some space because she has asked for that. 

You could ask her to go to MC with you. But just ask once, and don't press it if she says no. 

Backing off will be the way to go. But your actions at helping around the house will be noticed, even if she doesn't say anything about it. 

You could try to plan a few family activities with her and the kids in the months to come. 

We can all mature with time and experience, I wish she could see that you have matured and now see the big picture.

Yes the past may have had it's bad times. But it could not have ALL been bad. She is just stuck in seeing it that way.


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## Clank75

Thank you guys so much!!! 

I am definitely not giving up on her. It's definitely an issue where she is mad, and is holding onto it for some reason. Only time, and patience on my part can really see where things will turn out. But yeah, my plan is to just keep on doing what im doing around the house and focusing on my kids, while still being there for her if she needs me. Beyond that, ive stopped with the heavy acts of love and devotion because i really dont want to make things worse by making her more mad. I'm praying at some point that this will make a difference and she will see that i truly am changing for the better, and will be open to give me another chance. I did ask about Marriage counseling about 3 weeks into this and at that time she said she didnt want to because she didnt feel like her heart would be in it. I backed off on that right away.

I guess the hardest part for me right now is the uncertainty of where things are going to end up. I truly love her so much, and im in it for the long haul with the changes i am making and being the husband that i always shouldve been.

How is the best way to cope with all this uncertainty in the meantime?


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## MiriRose

If you're a reader, there's a couple books that came to mind:

_The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage: How the Power of One Changes Everything_ by Michael and Amy Smalley

and

_Love Must Be Tough_ by Dr. James Dobson

Hope these suggestions help.


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## This is me

MLC! The timing of the "teen" years of a marriage are the common time frame where one may start to question all that has happened and what is left.

Space and patience is the key. All you can do is change yourself and become more independent and attractive. Read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy.


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