# Did I over react? I need your help.



## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

I will try to make this short and simple, it may be difficult, but I will try...

Been together 26 years, her age 14, me 17, now 39 me 42.. Married 21, 24 for 18 years, no kids..

Met old friend on Facebook, took wife to meet him. During visit, we took 66 pictures of all 3 of us.. Told old friend we would send him a pic on Facebook so he could find album..

Got home, downloaded pictures, all 66... An hour later, noticed 1 picture sent to his inbox, it was a picture of him and my wife... I thought this was odd since she didnt send anyother pictures but that one.... It was also tagged with her name and his name... Granted she just met him... He is my friend, so I thought maybe the pic would show us all...

I told her I thought it was weird, she said she felt it was weird to...So my first thought was my old friend was trying to send siganls to my wife by tagging only that picture... Why did he tag them two, but ignore the others with me and him or just him??? He also used another picture of himself as a profile picture...This pic had just him, not me or my wife and me....

So I got mad, and deleted him for fear he was trying to make a play for my wife.... My wife said she had no idea what happened...>But, two weeks later after trying to figure who tagged the picture, I found out my wife did it, she finally told me after making mention of it at least 10 times! 

So, I thought it was him, but turned out my wife tagged of pic of them 2, then told me she didnt do it, then later said she did cause we told him we would send him a pick! I am confused!

My problem is, why did she send him a pic of him and her??? We had so many with all of us! Am I making a big deal, or is this a red flag????

Also, while I was chatting with the old friend on facebook, my wife was out of town and we was talking on the phone at the same time I was chatting him, he sent her a friends request without telling me while she was in a hotel in Texas... But my wife told me, when I asked her what does she want me to do, she told me, You know what you need to do!!! So I blocked him and so did she.... And she hasn't brought it up since, its been 4 days now.... Its over now, but this really bothers me, did I do the right thing, or did I overreact???? 

I hate to sound petty, but this really bothers me...Thank you for your time.....


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Its a red flag. You have some things to work on. Read His Needs, Her Needs. You have been in this relationship for a long time. Maybe she's bored. Maybe you are too comfortable. This little event upset you. How woud you feel if an actual EA happened. She just met that guy and she is flirting with him. Get serious!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Better yet.....why don't both of you delete FB? I've seen nothing good come from FB. I'm like the other poster. You may want to start working on your marriage before an all out EA or PA occurs.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

And no texting either. That would be a reach, but that is where my wife's affair took off.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

seems like you going to prevent an affair to happen(it is not yet happened).
this is a good act of you.

did u over react? MAYBE YES, MAYBE NOT:

MAYBE YES.
this is from your spouse perspective, yes this is over reaction as so far she did not send any flirting or romance signs and only tagged picture of them(although this could be a bad symptoms).

MAYBE NO.
as you are her husband, it is normal if you react like this as you feel the odd about this. 

my sugggestion is, try to be calm in dealing with her on this case. but never keep your guard off.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> Its a red flag. You have some things to work on. Read His Needs, Her Needs. You have been in this relationship for a long time. Maybe she's bored. Maybe you are too comfortable. This little event upset you. How woud you feel if an actual EA happened. She just met that guy and she is flirting with him. Get serious!


She says she is never bored, at least thats what she tells me... She says she has fun no matter what we do... We do the same things most of the time, however we do jumble things up, take unplanned trips.
Yes, I was very complacent in the marriage, I do my part, but I could be doing more.. I focused more on trying to keep things in order rather than romance her. I do communicate with her, but if she isn't telling truth on other things, then why be honest now?
When something bad happens, or strange, she either ignores it, or lies about until I get concrete proof.

I guess the Face Book incident would be considered flirting?? She is very hard to read, and tries to protect my feelings more than telling me the truth... It seems I have to catch her, or just accept what my gut wont...
She did tell me he sent her a friends request, which she could have not told me, she was out of town, so I thought that was a good thing....
She also told me when he sent it to her, that I was the one that needed to do something, not her, I thought she would have said, Baby I am gonna delete him, why I had to suggest it was strange, but she accepted my wishes, and we haven't brought it up...
Thank you for the books, I will get those and read them together...


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Better yet.....why don't both of you delete FB? I've seen nothing good come from FB. I'm like the other poster. You may want to start working on your marriage before an all out EA or PA occurs.


Yes, I believe FB has become an enemy in our marriage..She loves it, and spends a lot of time talking to family, friends... I have mentioned it to her, but I am afraid I am doing to much to fast since we are being bombarded by so many things...
I really want to have her back, she is almost in fantasy world...I hate to take her away from what makes her happy, at the same time its driving a wedge between us...I feel somewhat intimidated by doing to much to fast.... 
This old friend appears to be gone, but the underlying problem still hasn't been fully examined....So I am scared that she may have been getting into ER with him, but I give her so much love its crazy!


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> And no texting either. That would be a reach, but that is where my wife's affair took off.


 I agree, she doesnt text much, but I agree... The thing is trying to stop this without appearing like I am her jailer...I want her to have a life, but this period of time has proved hard....

I was looking over phone records, noticed one whole day missing on the computer, the company said nobody can delete an entire day, so the phone company and I are trying to figure out what happened....This had to happen when things are so messed up....


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

lobokies said:


> seems like you going to prevent an affair to happen(it is not yet happened).
> this is a good act of you.
> 
> did u over react? MAYBE YES, MAYBE NOT:
> ...


Thank you, I feel the same way, I feel like I nipped it in the bud... My gut was telling me something wasn't right... Those 2 seemed to flow to nicely, and it scared me..They chatted on line, but it was in front of me, we have 2 computers, so I can watch her and she can watch me....
This guy kept undermining me, and she didn't seem to adamant about doing something about it... He was causing stress, problems, yet she would seem to defend him rather than take the problem out of the marriage, she left it up to me even though she told me he tried to friend her again... I see his action a red flag, but I see her action as a good thing for us...So I am confused..

I guess she was attracted to him, but knew she had to let him go, but made me do it since he is my friend??
The pic really blew my mind, and set off a chain of lack of trust...Still to this day, she says she didn't mean anything about it, or she really doesn't remember doing it, but concrete proof was there all along....
I am trying to be calm as I can, but its hard, but I am gonna do it no matter what.....
Thank you! She is out of town, and this makes it much harder to deal with...She left town when our relationship is out of whack... That said, I am looking at it as a good thing, she seems to miss me terribly....


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

May I ask a couple of questions?

How long did the initial visit last? A couple of hours, or a weekend, or something in between? Since this was an old friend of yours, was it the first time your wife had met him? That's an awfully fast attraction, in my mind.

Oh, and he is NOT your friend if, after that short time, he is undermining you to your wife. Re-connecting with him wasn't a good thing, and I'd advise you to lose that connection pretty fast.


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## Teach Me (Oct 7, 2010)

Pam said:


> May I ask a couple of questions?
> 
> How long did the initial visit last? A couple of hours, or a weekend, or something in between? Since this was an old friend of yours, was it the first time your wife had met him? That's an awfully fast attraction, in my mind.
> 
> Oh, and he is NOT your friend if, after that short time, he is undermining you to your wife. Re-connecting with him wasn't a good thing, and I'd advise you to lose that connection pretty fast.


We meet maybe 5 times in a short period of time...We had a couple of cook outs, spent a few hours each time... One night, she got drunk with him and his friend while I sat with her..She had a great time, yet I was hawking her the whole time...
She seemed to generally like him, said she had no attraction, but that doesn't mean she is telling truth...
They chatted a few times on FB, but I stopped that, deleted him, blocked him, blocked his number just in case...
I did threaten violence against him if he continued to interfere, he immediately blocked me and her after I said that, but it was when he sent her a friend request while I was talking to her...
Your right, he is not a friend, I got rid of him... Thank you!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't know if I woulda went the threat of violence route, but I guess that in order to protect what's his, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.


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