# I’m chasing my husband away and depressed/on the edge of a breakdown.



## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

I have been dealing with anxiety/depression and having really unstable mood swings. Ihave horrible self esteem. My husband and I are really in love but I have pushed him away because of my issues. We have 3 kids together (2 are mine, 1 together). He told me he doesn’t want a divorce but that I’m being a bad wife and driving him away.
If I lose him I will lose my mind. I have a problem where when we get in a fight I can’t leave it alone.

I can’t lose him..what do I do

how do I fix this?! Please help. I really am a good person I love my family more than anything. I am seeing a therapist and I’m on anxiety meds


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> I can’t lose him..what do I do


You find a qualified therapist and get the help that you clearly need. They will help you learn coping techniques and work on your thought patterns.

Are you on medication for the anxiety, depression, and mood swings? If not, you should be. If you are, your meds may need adjusting.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> I am seeing a therapist and I’m on anxiety meds


Having mental illness(es) doesn't mean you are a bad person.

Have you brought this up with your therapist and doctor? You may need to try a different dose or a new medication (either in addition to or instead of). If you are having mood swings, you may need an additional medication to help stabilize your moods. 

If you have been in therapy for a while and are not seeing improvements, you may also benefit from a new therapist or a new (or additional) type of therapy (CBT, DBT, etc). Has your therapist been working with you on how to fight fair?

For your husband, he should be going to therapy with you sometimes. Him learning to understand and work with your illnesses is important as well. That doesn't mean he is responsible for your actions or feelings, but just that he is more aware, knowledgeable, and capable of handling it. He should also be seeing his own therapist so that he has an outlet to get his frustrations out. That is very important. 

Finally, someone else cannot and should not be the end all be all of your happiness. That is suffocating for the other person.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How old are you? Is this related to perimenopause or are you after giving birth? 
What might have triggered this?
You need to see a medical professional and a therapist asap. You are lucky to have a supportive husband.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

coolmama11 said:


> Ihave horrible self esteem.


Why ?



coolmama11 said:


> If I lose him I will lose my mind.


The things you tell yourself are awful, and they are lies. Your husband, in truth, does not have any relevance to your mental state. That is all within you, and it is within your control.
You need to replace these messages with the truth, which is

"If I lose him, I will be sad and disappointed. But, life will go on, and I will choose happiness."


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

aine said:


> How old are you? Is this related to perimenopause or are you after giving birth?
> What might have triggered this?
> You need to see a medical professional and a therapist asap. You are lucky to have a supportive husband.


I am 35 and had a baby two years ago


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

TJW said:


> Why ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is my problem. I have pushed him so far away how can i not tell myself i'm a horrible person. He says he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce but he is being very distant. I'm not sure how to get this back


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> I have been dealing with anxiety/depression and having really unstable mood swings. Ihave horrible self esteem. My husband and I are really in love but I have pushed him away because of my issues. We have 3 kids together (2 are mine, 1 together). He told me he doesn’t want a divorce but that I’m being a bad wife and driving him away.
> If I lose him I will lose my mind. I have a problem where when we get in a fight I can’t leave it alone.
> 
> I can’t lose him..what do I do
> ...


I respect you for recognizing you have an issue instead of blaming your husband. I'm going through this with my wife now, but she refuses to accept her diagnosis. It caused her to pick fights and now she has moved into her own home and left my daughters and I behind. I wish my wife was as brave as you!


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I respect you for recognizing you have an issue instead of blaming your husband. I'm going through this with my wife now, but she refuses to accept her diagnosis. It caused her to pick fights and now she has moved into her own home and left my daughters and I behind. I wish my wife was as brave as you!


I'm sorry this happened to you. Having mental illness is not easy and it's lonely/isolating. I don't know if i'm so much brave but i will NOT lose my family. Can i ask you. How do i get my husband back? He tells me he doesn't watn a divorce and he still loves me but we aren't the same. He is distant, won't talk to me....which makes my anxiety that much worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and my kids. I don't know the right words to say or do. he said he is waiting on me to prove to him i can change. I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I'd say go to a psychiatrist and psychologist. One will talk to you and look into your issues, the other can help balance you out with medication if needed. I'd suggest doing this ASAP if you don't want to lose your family.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you. Having mental illness is not easy and it's lonely/isolating. I don't know if i'm so much brave but i will NOT lose my family. Can i ask you. How do i get my husband back? He tells me he doesn't watn a divorce and he still loves me but we aren't the same. He is distant, won't talk to me....which makes my anxiety that much worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and my kids. I don't know the right words to say or do. he said he is waiting on me to prove to him i can change. I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


I would say back off of him, keep the convo's minimal and calm. Stop getting anxious with him, and getting angry with him. GIve him time, and don't badger him.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

coolmama11 said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you. Having mental illness is not easy and it's lonely/isolating. I don't know if i'm so much brave but i will NOT lose my family. Can i ask you. How do i get my husband back? He tells me he doesn't watn a divorce and he still loves me but we aren't the same. He is distant, won't talk to me....which makes my anxiety that much worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and my kids. I don't know the right words to say or do. he said he is waiting on me to prove to him i can change. I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


Your best response is through action.
You need to find the best specialists in your area, engage them, and follow their medical advice to the letter.
Put a letter together to your husband, explaining how much you care for him, how much he and the family mean to you, explain that you have secured the best practitioners in the area, and you are going to seriously do the work to tackle your issues. Put together a plan to show how you are going to repair the damage and hold yourself accountable for implementing it.
Walk the talk through action and make sure he sees incremental improvement.
I'm sure he understands that change is a process, not an event. If he didn't, he'd be gone by now.
Don't pressure or badger him, just demonstrate improvement through implementation and let nature take its course.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


You are an adult, you can stop your tantrums. work with your therapist on what to do when you feel your tantrum coming. That's like urgent, should be discussed at your next session - breathing, mediation, time out in separate room. Anything better than tantrum.

And I would say your meds are not working. Address that too. I think you said you are on buproprion. That is more for depression, but your anxiety seems to be out of control. You need either meds change, or add another one. Before it is too late. Call the office and move up your appointment to discuss it.

Get on it. Push your psychiatrist and counselor to help you more. My marriage is gone because of my husband's tantrums. When he decided to fix it, it was too late. don't wait.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you really need to understand your husbands side, and really imagine how he is feeling. 
It must be exhausting when you love your wife, you want her to be happy, but she is self sabotaging the relationship. When she makes mole hills into mountains, when she doesn’t stop, when she never lets things go. When she makes things more difficult than it has to be. When you feel like you have to walk on eggshells is take care of her. 

You want to be a blessing to your husband. You want to make his life easier and full of joy. When you love someone, your life is exponentially better when they are happy. And it’s so much worse when they are unhappy and negative. As women and mothers and wives we really have the ability to affect the whole mood of the family. 


Anxiety is about you. It’s a selfish disease. I understand because I have it too, and there are times when I am so anxious and so into me and my problems and it’s all about me me me. At a certain point you have to learn when your negatively affecting the family and somehow snap out of it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> That is my problem. I have pushed him so far away how can i not tell myself i'm a horrible person. He says he still loves me and doesn't want a divorce but he is being very distant. I'm not sure how to get this back


One issue you could be struggling with is that love goes through seasons. Much like the fall, winter, spring, and summer. Sometimes things are hot and sometimes things get a little cold, but just give it some time and patience and you will find yourself in a new season. Perhaps one that is bountiful and rewarding in new ways you never expected. 

Meanwhile after just having had kids, things are challenging and stressful. Be sure to focus on "teamwork" and appreciating each other's struggles. You mentioned in another thread that your husband watches porn, this is likely a symptom of him struggling with stress and trying to escape (not from you, but from the stress of life itself). 

Keep in mind if your husband feels distant, that you may in fact be listening to your own self doubt. He may very well be willing to be open, but you could be preemptively assuming the door is closed. 

Badsanta


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you. Having mental illness is not easy and it's lonely/isolating. I don't know if i'm so much brave but i will NOT lose my family. Can i ask you. How do i get my husband back? He tells me he doesn't watn a divorce and he still loves me but we aren't the same. He is distant, won't talk to me....which makes my anxiety that much worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and my kids. I don't know the right words to say or do. he said he is waiting on me to prove to him i can change. I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


Trust when I say that I'm trying to figure the same thing out with my wife. She doesn't talk to me, so maybe we can help each other with whatever success we have going forward. I too don't want to lose my family and I'm fighting like hell. I'd say communicate your feelings best you can, and ask what it is you can do to get back on track. I never understood the avoid contact. If you love someone I believe you should fight for the marriage until you can't fight anymore. However, not all people respond the same, so adjust as you go.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

badsanta said:


> One issue you could be struggling with is that love goes through seasons. Much like the fall, winter, spring, and summer.








Your quote reminded me of this amazing sermon on marriages. It’s long but worth a listen.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Trust when I say that I'm trying to figure the same thing out with my wife. She doesn't talk to me, so maybe we can help each other with whatever success we have going forward. I too don't want to lose my family and I'm fighting like hell. I'd say communicate your feelings best you can, and ask what it is you can do to get back on track. I never understood the avoid contact. If you love someone I believe you should fight for the marriage until you can't fight anymore. However, not all people respond the same, so adjust as you go.


Thank you! This is such an awesome community! My husband left for the night. Said he just needed to get away. He is about to come home. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore he wants to see action. I’m nervous how I’m going to act when he gets home. I just want my relationship back with him. 😥


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Listen to him when he tells you what he needs. What you have been doing isn't working. You sound like a smart lady. HE DOESN'T want to talk more about it tonight. NOT in any way, shape or form....

"I’m nervous how I’m going to act when he gets home." Do not work yourself up into self-defeating behavior. "I'm glad to see you should be sufficient."

I'm thinking, but wanted you to get this before he returns.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Listen to him when he tells you what he needs. What you have been doing isn't working. You sound like a smart lady. HE DOESN'T want to talk more about it tonight. NOT in any way shape or form....
> 
> "I’m nervous how I’m going to act when he gets home." Do not work yourself up into self-defeating behavior. I'm glad to see you should be sufficient.
> 
> I'm thinking, but wanted you to get this before he returns.


Thank u! I’m just so nervous because he called me the most selfish person in the world, and every time I do this he gets closer and closer to wanting a divorce. I’m a fixer. It is natural to me to want to fix things. I’m so nervous he is falling out of love with me


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Did you learn to have tantrums as a child? Were you anxious as a child? Have you always had unstable mood swings? Anxiety is horrible and I'm not denigrating your pain. Two years after childbirth means your hormones are not likely stable. Your therapist should have been working on coping skills with you. Has this happened? Do you try his/her suggestions? Have y'all tried other meds?

Almost nothing is more annoying than someone who has to always have the last word! Where did you learn this? He likely loves you, but hates this behavior. Did a previous marriage disintegrate? Why? How would you survive if your husband died tomorrow? You would think about what you needed to do--kids, food, shelter, etc.--one thing at a time.

Your reply to my earlier message is your anxiety talking. Close your eyes. Close your mouth. Pull that imaginary zipper across your mouth. It will NOT open. Your ideas of fixing seem to be whacked-up!

Not sure, but why does he see you as selfish? Would you want to spend your life with a 'most selfish ever' person? Does he mean everything revolves around you?

Often anxiety is loss-based or fear-based. What you are doing will bring your greatest fear to fruition.

Meditate, practice yoga, find new hobbies. Become a wife who tells him how much she appreciates him, not how much she needs him--all the time. Do not smother him. Do you have any strong spiritual beliefs? Remember your actions will speak much louder than your words. Enough for now.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tdbo said:


> Your best response is through action.
> You need to find the best specialists in your area, engage them, and follow their medical advice to the letter.
> *Put a letter together to your husband, explaining how much you care for him*, how much he and the family mean to you, explain that you have secured the best practitioners in the area, and you are going to seriously do the work to tackle your issues. Put together a plan to show how you are going to repair the damage and hold yourself accountable for implementing it.
> Walk the talk through action and make sure he sees incremental improvement.
> ...


Close, but not quite. The very toughest thing to do, and I cannot explain why this is, only assure you that it's the honest truth, the very toughest thing is not to write it in a letter and give it to your husband or wife. The very hardest thing is accountability, and that means, in that moment when you have it together, write what you know needs to be done, write it big, title it "This is what I need to work on and do" and post it on the wall. Bathroom wall, bedroom wall, someplace you will always see it. Someplace he or she knows you'll always see it. And then live it. Or die trying.

When we're not well, when we're having those moments of anxiety & panic & even pure selfishness, we can completely forget what it's like to be OK, or to know what you have to do. All the stuff your therapist talked to you about, that you agreed made sense, it all goes out the window as soon as you start feeling bad again.

My wife will not do this. She is still too protective of herself to make that 100% commitment. And when she backslides, she forgets, entirely, the reason she needs to do better, and how to get there. We simply cannot understand the power the brain has for personal self-preservation, resistance to change, even when that change is required to save the world around them.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Did you learn to have tantrums as a child? Were you anxious as a child? Have you always had unstable mood swings? Anxiety is horrible and I'm not denigrating your pain. Two years after childbirth means your hormones are not likely stable. Your therapist should have been working on coping skills with you. Has this happened? Do you try his/her suggestions? Have y'all tried other meds?
> 
> Almost nothing is more annoying than someone who has to always have the last word! Where did you learn this? He likely loves you, but hates this behavior. Did a previous marriage disintegrate? Why? How would you survive if your husband died tomorrow? You would think about what you needed to do--kids, food, shelter, etc.--one thing at a time.
> 
> ...


My dad passed away when I was 6 from suicide and it was a lot for me, my mom, my siblings to handle. I def have abandonment issues and I’m sure that is where a lot of my anxiety comes from.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Close, but not quite. The very toughest thing to do, and I cannot explain why this is, only assure you that it's the honest truth, the very toughest thing is not to write it in a letter and give it to your husband or wife. The very hardest thing is accountability, and that means, in that moment when you have it together, write what you know needs to be done, write it big, title it "This is what I need to work on and do" and post it on the wall. Bathroom wall, bedroom wall, someplace you will always see it. Someplace he or she knows you'll always see it. And then live it. Or die trying.
> 
> When we're not well, when we're having those moments of anxiety & panic & even pure selfishness, we can completely forget what it's like to be OK, or to know what you have to do. All the stuff your therapist talked to you about, that you agreed made sense, it all goes out the window as soon as you start feeling bad again.
> 
> My wife will not do this. She is still too protective of herself to make that 100% commitment. And when she backslides, she forgets, entirely, the reason she needs to do better, and how to get there. We simply cannot understand the power the brain has for personal self-preservation, resistance to change, even when that change is required to save the world around them.


According to OP, she suffers from anxiety and has mood swings.
The purpose for the letter is to organize her thoughts when she is lucid, and can more coherently organize her feelings.
Another purpose for the letter is to hopefully open up a structured dialogue with her husband (whom she apparently has a strained relationship with.)
I wasn't concerned with what the toughest thing was for her. I was merely proposing an avenue to her to constructively engage with her husband.
During that talk, they can discuss what accountability looks like for her with benchmarks that work for both of them.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> My dad passed away when I was 6 from suicide and it was a lot for me, my mom, my siblings to handle. I def have abandonment issues and I’m sure that is where a lot of my anxiety comes from.


My goodness @*coolmama11*, how horrible--and how important to know. Hope you have discussed this with therapists from childhood on. In no way was this your fault, but the nightmare likely robbed you of security and understanding. Thank you for being honest. Surely you have discussed this with your husband?

You can find peace and resilience in the correct therapy. You can build an arsenal of good responses/coping skills to deploy when you feel bad/old thought patterns emerge. You also need to make sure your self-care is adequate. Emotional needs are really important--friendships and relationships. You and your husband need professional work together to help resolve this. Explained time outs from highly emotional conversations often help and then return talking in a less emotional atmosphere. Acknowledging feelings without judgment--validation--is important. This does not mean agreement, but support. Neither person should minimize the issues.

One more thing: do not self-sabotage--endanger relationships to avoid hurt. Surely, you have read and worked--don't give up--this can improve markedly.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tdbo said:


> According to OP, she suffers from anxiety and has mood swings.
> The purpose for the letter is to organize her thoughts when she is lucid, and can more coherently organize her feelings.
> Another purpose for the letter is to hopefully open up a structured dialogue with her husband (whom she apparently has a strained relationship with.)
> I wasn't concerned with what the toughest thing was for her. I was merely proposing an avenue to her to constructively engage with her husband.
> During that talk, they can discuss what accountability looks like for her with benchmarks that work for both of them.


i should have phrased it differently; you were correct to suggest that. It’s part of the process. I should have said if (although tempted to say when) that fails, this is the next step.

you see, I’ve been there, I have that letter from my wife, but if it has to be brought up, who is it that will be doing that? The recipient. And it causes an argument. But when it’s unavoidable, on the wall, put there by her, then it takes you out of the picture as being the bad guy, beating up on her.

So my bad for making it sound like that’s not a good idea. It is. It just may require follow up based on my sample size of one.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! This is such an awesome community! My husband left for the night. Said he just needed to get away. He is about to come home. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore he wants to see action. I’m nervous how I’m going to act when he gets home. I just want my relationship back with him. 😥


You're lucky in that he's still around, and that he's telling you exactly what you need to do to keep your relationship going. You need to make concrete changes in your behavior that fall into line with what he expects from a marriage.

Honestly, the ball is in your court. It's not your fault that you're having emotional issues, but taking actions that show you are serious about and capable of improving your behavior are 100% within your control.

At the end of the day, it is our individual responsibility to bring a healthy self and thus appropriate behavior to a relationship. Some of us face challenges in this regard and have to work harder to reach this standard, but the standard is what it is. He's serious about you meeting that standard to remain engaged in the relationship.

Eventually he may leave if you don't make the changes he feels are necessary. You need to figure out whether the changes he needs to see are (1) doable and (2) where you want to put your effort. Right now he does not know that you are willing to make the effort - do you see that? So, you need to be honest with yourself and him and if you really do want to put in the work to save your marriage, you need to start immediately.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Thank you all for all your messages. The part i don't know how to handle about any of this is we had/have the best relationship ever when i'm not in my anxious state. We really truly love each other/respect each other. I think this last time though really did him in. I don't know how to recover from the fact that he said he loses respect for me everytime i do this. He said he isn't happy in this relationship and our marriage makes him miserable. He went from being my loving husband to almost a stranger over night. I don't know how to recover from this. How am i supposed to show him i can change when i feel like he has checked out. I'm so completely terrified.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> My goodness @*coolmama11*, how horrible--and how important to know. Hope you have discussed this with therapists from childhood on. In no way was this your fault, but the nightmare likely robbed you of security and understanding. Thank you for being honest. Surely you have discussed this with your husband?
> 
> You can find peace and resilience in the correct therapy. You can build an arsenal of good responses/coping skills to deploy when you feel bad/old thought patterns emerge. You also need to make sure your self-care is adequate. Emotional needs are really important--friendships and relationships. You and your husband need professional work together to help resolve this. Explained time outs from highly emotional conversations often help and then return talking in a less emotional atmosphere. Acknowledging feelings without judgment--validation--is important. This does not mean agreement, but support. Neither person should minimize the issues.
> 
> One more thing: do not self-sabotage--endanger relationships to avoid hurt. Surely, you have read and worked--don't give up--this can improve markedly.


Thank you! I have talked to my therapist about this and i have talked to my husband about this. It is very hard but i know i carry alot of baggage from this. 

I'm just so scared my husband is going to check out of our marriage/leave me. i love him more than anyone i have ever loved and i don't want to lose him. 

I'm just really really scared this time b/c he seems different this time. He doesn't seem happy anymore, he doesn't seem open to me anymore. 

I know i can change b/c i HAVE TO. I WON'T lose my family but what if it is too late? what if he doesn't love me anymore. He says he does. When i tell him i love him, he says it back and i can tell he means it but i'm just scared b/c he told me in a heated argument yesterday that "he isn't happy anymore" "this marraige makes him miserable" and "we would have a perfect marriage if it werent' for me".

Like i said i know i can change b/c i love him that much but when is he going to trust me again, how long do i have to go and fight to show him i can change before i get my husband back? i miss him...i miss us


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! I have talked to my therapist about this and i have talked to my husband about this. It is very hard but i know i carry alot of baggage from this.
> 
> I'm just so scared my husband is going to check out of our marriage/leave me. i love him more than anyone i have ever loved and i don't want to lose him.
> 
> ...


Stop getting into arguments with him. 
And don’t play the what if game because you will drive yourself crazy. Think positive thoughts.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> i should have phrased it differently; you were correct to suggest that. It’s part of the process. I should have said if (although tempted to say when) that fails, this is the next step.
> 
> you see, I’ve been there, I have that letter from my wife, but if it has to be brought up, who is it that will be doing that? The recipient. And it causes an argument. But when it’s unavoidable, on the wall, put there by her, then it takes you out of the picture as being the bad guy, beating up on her.
> 
> So my bad for making it sound like that’s not a good idea. It is. It just may require follow up based on my sample size of one.


No problem.
I was simply looking for a next step, to try to get them connected and open up dialogue.
I agree she needs accountability, and to go through the "Feet held to the fire" stage.
If the husband has a piece of mapping that out, he may feel that his needs are being addressed, which might bring some solace to him and bring them closer together.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> No problem.
> I was simply looking for a next step, to try to get them connected and open up dialogue.
> I agree she needs accountability, and to go through the "Feet held to the fire" stage.
> If the husband has a piece of mapping that out, he may feel that his needs are being addressed, which might bring some solace to him and bring them closer together.


Thank you all for your input. This is a really great community. I wrote him a letter. I'd love someone to read it to see if it sounds ok. I don't want it to come off wrong.


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## coolmama11 (Jun 2, 2020)

I would just like everyone to know too that today is looking better. He woke up in a good mood. Told me he loved me and we even had a little morning "time" together.  I'm trying to just take things slow and let him come to me. I don't want to push him too much. He really is the love of my life and my best friend. I can't imagine waking up without him. We talked this morning. We both kinda agreed that this whole pandemic thing has kind of affected us both. He works every other week right now and i'm working full time from home right now so every other week we are together every day all day. Before this whole pandemic we never had this and i wasn't nearly as anxious. I just wanted to say thank you for all of you that have commented on my posts. When we started having trouble i searched out a lot of help forums and none are not nearly has helpful as this community!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you all for your input. This is a really great community. I wrote him a letter. I'd love someone to read it to see if it sounds ok. I don't want it to come off wrong.


Writing a letter can actually be a good thing as it allows you to focus on what you need to communicate as opposed to getting defensive when talking about it in person. When your husband reads it, he can't get defensive either as doing so will not change what was written, so this will help him understand you before he prepares for himself to be heard. 

Once he responds from your letter, you can hopefully remain calm knowing that you got everything written to him that you wanted to say. Staying calm and then listening to him (non defensively) is what needs to happen. Writing things out can drastically help with that. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

coolmama11 said:


> I’m a fixer. It is natural to me to want to fix things. I’m so nervous he is falling out of love with me


Start with fixing yourself. That's the only thing that can save your marriage.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What kind of therapist are you working with? What sort of therapy/approach does he or she employ?

How frequently do you see your therapist, and for how long have you been going?

What sort of doctor prescribed your meds? How long have you been taking them? Have there been any adjustments made to which meds and dosages?

Did things get suddenly worse, maybe after childbirth?

Do you get plenty of sleep?

It sounds like your husband is pulling for you, and your marriage, wanting you to succeed in addressing your anxiety, etc. If I had to guess, he wants that more than anything in the world. Is there anything he could do or say, to make you feel more supported and loved?

You should feel proud you are taking steps you need. It takes much courage.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> Start with fixing yourself. That's the only thing that can save your marriage.


It's hard, for someone with a mental illness, to fix themselves. There is an unbelievably-strong self-preservation mode that goes along with many mental illnesses, an unwillingness to change that keeps kicking back in shortly after therapy sessions. Those of us kinda sorta "normal" can see cause and effect and seek change based upon reward, and keep our eye on the prize. Sometimes. Mental illness can often remove the presence of the goal posts. Not a moving target, which is bad enough, but remove them entirely. Hope and comfort are found in maintaining the present because that equals survival as he or she knows it. 

It is quite bizarre. I had no idea how this all worked. It's definitely helping me to understand others, seeing what my wife goes through. That's why I've suggested having something written up, by the person who has the issues (mental illness to some degree, which arguably maybe we all have?), during a moment of lucidity, and post it somewhere they will see it. Because coming from someone else, being reminded by someone else, might not work.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you all for all your messages. The part i don't know how to handle about any of this is we had/have the best relationship ever when i'm not in my anxious state. We really truly love each other/respect each other. I think this last time though really did him in. I don't know how to recover from the fact that he said he loses respect for me everytime i do this. He said he isn't happy in this relationship and our marriage makes him miserable. He went from being my loving husband to almost a stranger over night. I don't know how to recover from this. How am i supposed to show him i can change when i feel like he has checked out. I'm so completely terrified.


You'll never know unless you try. If you feel it is worth the effort, just do what you have to do that will show you're serious. He should be willing to support you through this as that is part of your vows


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> It's hard, for someone with a mental illness, to fix themselves.


I know she can not literally "fix" herself. But she can try to get more in control. I really do not think her meds are working. and maybe she needs CBT to help her deal with everyday situations that overwhem her.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> I know she can not literally "fix" herself. But she can try to get more in control. I really do not think her meds are working. and maybe she needs CBT to help her deal with everyday situations that overwhem her.


Yet she's quite lucid and perceptive here. Wonder what her husband would think of her seeking help on TAM? She's certainly been supportive of him and demonstrates a knowledge of what needs to be done and a desire to do it. Would it be dangerous to suggest she allow him to see her posts and the replies?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

coolmama11 said:


> Thank you all for all your messages. The part i don't know how to handle about any of this is we had/have the best relationship ever when i'm not in my anxious state. We really truly love each other/respect each other. I think this last time though really did him in. I don't know how to recover from the fact that he said he loses respect for me everytime i do this. He said he isn't happy in this relationship and our marriage makes him miserable. He went from being my loving husband to almost a stranger over night. I don't know how to recover from this. How am i supposed to show him i can change when i feel like he has checked out. I'm so completely terrified.


At this point... if he's as checked out as you say, then you'll have to put in the work and hope he responds. So, you really want to take the attitude that this work is for your personal betterment, with the hope of an improved marriage being a secondary benefit.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coolmama11 said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you. Having mental illness is not easy and it's lonely/isolating. I don't know if i'm so much brave but i will NOT lose my family. Can i ask you. How do i get my husband back? He tells me he doesn't watn a divorce and he still loves me but we aren't the same. He is distant, won't talk to me....*which makes my anxiety that much worse*. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and my kids. I don't know the right words to say or do. he said he is waiting on me to prove to him i can change. I have thrown my anxiety tantrums 100 times and *he is sick of the "i'm sorrys" "it won't happen again" *so what do i say to get my husband back. How are we supposed to work on a marriage if he won't talk to me.


Honey, you need to take ownership of your issues - "he is distant, which makes my anxiety worse" infers that your husband is responsible for your anxiety. He isn't. 

He likely is sick of the talk so time to stop talking and start walking - walk the walk so to speak.



coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! This is such an awesome community! *My husband left for the night. Said he just needed to get away.* He is about to come home. He said he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore he wants to see action. I’m nervous how I’m going to act when he gets home. I just want my relationship back with him. 😥


That right there should tell you that this is a man on the edge. If you don't take action right now, he may well have to leave, not because he doesn't love you (he clearly does or he would already have left) but simply to save himself. Get yourself to the doctor urgently for some medication for your anxiety, even something short acting, until you can see your psych again.



coolmama11 said:


> Thank you! I have talked to my therapist about this and i have talked to my husband about this. It is very hard but i know i carry alot of baggage from this.
> 
> I'm just so scared my husband is going to check out of our marriage/leave me. i love him more than anyone i have ever loved and i don't want to lose him.
> 
> ...


Seems like your last tantrum was the straw that broke the camels back. You need to find an outlet for your anxiety. If you're feeling anxious and your husband is home, take yourself out for a run. Run as fast as you can until you literally can't breathe. Then sit and let yourself calm down and then go home.

Your husband will very likely need to see consistent, ongoing change over at least a year before he starts to really relax and believe that your condition is under control. Anyone can make a change and keep it up short term, but it takes real commitment to make lasting, consistent changes.

You CAN do this honey, you really can.


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