# I am so tired



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all,

I have started to get the patterns here on the board and I know that there aren't a lot of people posting right now, but I need someone to talk me down. I am so tired, both physically and emotionally. I can't get past this whole D thing and the end of my marriage. It seems so silly the stuff we are ending it over. 

Depression - fixing that
Anger - fixed that
Apathy - fixed that
Sex drive - fixed that

What does it take. I guess a willing spouse, but I just can't figure out why this has to be over. I just love her so much and I can't stand even talking with her because all I want is for her to see the man she married, not the man I became. I'm not a bad person, just misguided and I can't get past the feeling like we could be happy together. I know I have to move forward with my life, but its so hard to do. I still have to live in the graveyard that is our home. I don't want anyone else. I just keep looking at women and going - she is not like my W - she is nothing like my W. It has to get better, but I am tired of crying all of the time in my empty home. What can I do but wait and hope.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Dante, it's very much the same for me, not that it would make you feel better.

I really don't know why someone could just fall out of love just like that, maybe it took a long time and we were too dense to even notice, or maybe it came like an epiphany.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

babygirl,

I don't know either, but I think I have to move on with my life. I hate it. It hurts, but there is no other way. Talking doesn't work. I haven't tried the 180 with full dedication, but I think she has made up her mind and is doing this out of pure stubbornness. It makes me wonder why people like you and me have to go through this. Is this really part of God's plan? Why our spouses couldn't be more like you and me. Willing to take a chance on the love that can be versus the love that they think wasn't meant to be. I see why divorce causes so much trauma in people's lives and sticks with them for a long time. I haven't felt normal in months, which is sad because with the exception of my marriage, I feel more normal than ever since I have been working on myself. My W says she is happy because I am getting my life together, but sad that she can't share in it. She could, if she would only make that choice. I think she is scared, but I don't think she is going to face that and that is the saddest part of all. I am sorry for you and your pain, I know how it feels and no one who isn't in our position can say they know what it feels like because it is as if a part of your soul has been ripped away. Colors don't seem as vivid, happiness is fleeting, and it feels like a wet blanket has covered us to the point where we can't breathe. I am tired (sorry to be redundant) of the fight, I just want it all to end. 

Just as a note, this is not a suicide diatribe. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know my parents are afraid I will do something like that, but I can't do it because I have to believe that there is something better out there for me. With or without her. Take care of yourself and make sure he doesn't hurt you more than he has already. God bless you and everyone on this board.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

You are not alone! Its been almost 3 months since H said those words to me. Cried a lot of tears since then. We are talking on the phone now but only as parents, not H and W. We've been together for 25 years and this has totally devastated me. (for more details see "he dropped a bomb on me", my first post.)

Our son is getting married in October and our daughter turns 18 in 2 weeks so we are in the midst of several things plus this fiasco. H was the first and only man I ever knew and loved. I think I still love him and he has said the old cliche that he still loves me but is not in love with me and no longer wishes to be married. He also has the misguided notion that this is to speed up my disability (brain tumor and surgery to remove it). I guess whatever lets him sleep at night. 

At first I thought I would do anything to get him to come back, now I'm not so sure. But I have realized that I let myself take a backseat and I am done sitting there, no more backseat for me. I am taking priority now. It's my turn to be selfish. I have lost 50 lbs at least and have 4 months til the wedding and I am determined to be the best mother of the groom, ever. I will have fun.

I didn't think things could ever look better, even a little bit but SURPRISE! they do. Give it time and don't beat yourself up for having normal feelings and emotions.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

cherokee,

I am so happy for you. I wish I could see that point for me. I can't even imagine what it would have been like for me after 25 years. We would have celebrated our eighth in a few months. I am sometimes glad we didn't have children, but also sad because I wish I had with her. I don't know now if I will ever have children of my own. I know I am only 36, but it feels like a lifetime and it also feels like it will take a lifetime to get past this. I keep thinking about how my parents might never get to know the joy of grandchildren and how I don't get to give them what they want in life. No one to carry forward my name. I was named after an uncle who had severe autism and couldn't have children of his own. I hoped to pass that on one day, but can't see it now. I know I am a good person and that there is likely someone else out there for me, but my mind won't let me see it now. It just feels like a 20 ton weight on my heart. I guess I just have to carry on, but I don't want to.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

My biggest regret if ever my H will not come back is not to have children with him..  

If we have a child then at least I would always something of him. Now I could lose him forever and that thought is just way toooo painful. When we first got married, he ask me whether I want kids ASAP and said he wants to do whatever I want, and I said not really, let's enjoy each other's company for sometime. But then after some turmoil, he changed his position on children saying he is NOT yet ready... 

I regret saying NO! I hate myself, i really, really do.... I'm crying again.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

babygirl, don't hate yourself. Please don't do that. It is a tragedy that we have to beat ourselves up over this stuff. I am sorry I dredged that up for you. It was not my intention. I really feel your pain though. I do the same thing to myself. I feel the same way about my W. We said the same thing about each other. Let's just enjoy ourselves for ourselves, but when it came to the point where she wanted to have children, I didn't because I was afraid I would screw them up like my parents screwed me up. Now I will never know what would have happened if I had said yes. 

I guess that's why we need each other. You can help me and I can help you. We often see our own faults as worse than other people do. I am sending out my strength to you right now. I pray for you and your H to find a solution to this crisis of all time. We will get through this together. Come what may. Keep up the hope and I will too.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante I know how silly the real issues seem... I'm quite close to my father-in-law and his "new" family (he was a widower and married the year before my wife and I, and they adopted two children barely older than my child) but my son and I spend much more time with them than my wife who still has a hard time dealing with their family arrangement - though our child gets along great with his "aunt and uncle" gets their hand-me-downs, plays with their toys! Point is I was the one who formally broke the news to him that our marriage wasn't doing so hot and that we were probably going to separate. He had his opinions of course but he asked me why I thought she didn't want to work on it and I told him "I dunno, because I don't dance and I'm not cool enough I guess". He denied that was a possibility and that there is obviously something more, but in reality I keep finding myself coming back to that exact reason, everything points to it. My wife can't even come up with a better reason, she just says she doesn't know why - but I do, its literally because I don't dance and am not cool enough... this was before I realized she was adulterating with men who have charm/swagger/confidence and pick up girls on the dance floor. Now every song I hear on the radio, in restaurants/malls etc just makes me infuriated because its all about booty and my ex totally bought the lyrics to every [email protected]@mn hip-hop song around.

So I'm at the point where I'm dealing with the "silly" issues the little things that I do or don't do which hold me back in life, and a lot of my motivation feels like it is to repair my marriage even though it is really for my own mental/physical health, meanwhile she is miles ahead of me and I'm lost in a cloud of dust... all those things you mentioned (anger, depression, apathy, sex drive) I'm still grasping at trying to overcome them... please give me hints!! (I know what I'm supposed to do and I'm doing it but its the failures and ones I'm going to get stuck on that I'm fearful and angry about).

Tonight our son had kindersoccer, and my wife is the coach of the team so I was forced to see her tonight. I honestly was having a good day until when I got home from work saw her waiting for me on the porch (she still has keys to the house but she left them at her work). Now my night is ruined... I saw that she booked off this upcoming weekend from work (plus I also got a hint from a mutual friend) and pieced together that she is going for another visit to this other guys' place in a city 5 hours away (her first visit was when I was in recovery room at hospital). even after I found the texts on my wifes phone and texted him that I was her husband and still love her and to eff off because she wasn't even separated yet and couldn't even stay around town to take care of our son because I couldnt (was supposed to be my weekend with my son, but surgery was short notice), so we scrambled and had to come up with a crazy schedule for my child to be taken care of... I basically coordinated it the second day after my surgery even though my head was all bandaged and bleading. Anyways, so this player found out and doesn't even care he is just going for my wofes booty. It is breaking my heart that she has to go this route to fulfill her sexual appetite or whatever it is she has herself convinced I'm incapable of giving.

Sorry the emotions and words are flowing much faster than I thought they would, but at least it will help take your mind off your own depression if only for a little bit.

So I was in a good mood today and now I feel like crap. I hope tomorrow is better... at least I've had a good break from taking on all the responsibility for the past several days, and starting tomorrow I get to spend some quality time alone with my kid for the next week!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Ahh, Dante, I know exactly what you are feeling. I too am married to the only man I have ever loved, both emotionally and physically and he decided in December that he needed a D. No warning, no chance to change or work on the marriage, just done. He finally moved out in April, was still hanging around until we told the kids two weeks ago, and today at couples counseling I said enough. All the work and pain of MC should be for reconciliation, not so we can have a nice D. I am in too much pain and it hurts too much to see him, so I told him to stay away, no texts or calls unless about the kids, no more MC, I don't need him to give me rides or help with household chores. Up until two weeks ago I took advantage of every opportunity to see him or contact him and now I know that it is bad for me, not good. You will get there too


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lon,

I think what you need to realize is that you are not the one that is behind. Even though it is painful, you are ahead. Your W is obviously trying to fill a hole in her soul that will never be filled with what she is using. Until she figures that out, she will keep doing this to keep filling that void. That is one of the most tragic parts we have to face is that many times our spouses are actually missing something that we can see so clearly. She isn't going for the playas because they are really what she wants, she just doesn't know how to find what she needs to get her soul and spirit filled. My own W is filling her life with other things. Mostly spending money on things she doesn't need. Not expensive stuff, but other things that are worthless to her except that it gives her that adrenaline and dopamine shot to the brain that makes her feel good - for a short time. 

It is not our fault and we have to accept that. We may have contributed in some way to the downfall of our marriages, but didn't do it on purpose or with malice. We were unable to recognize in ourselves the "holes" we were trying to fill until now. My own was an addiction to several things tracing back to my childhood. Star wars, gi joe, cars, cds, then on to pot, alchohol and then when I quit those two vices 15 years ago I switched to DVDs and video games. The other that has been with me is food. Probably why i ballooned up to 350 by the end. I have now lost 60 lbs and dropped my blood pressure to an almost normal range. All from the realization that I was using food as a coping mechanism for my empty soul from never getting the approval of my father. 

I guess what I am saying is that we will blame ourselves and we will stand like a lost child in a store wondering were our "loved ones" have gone and why they can't find us, but they are usually the ones who are lost and the only thing we can do is hope and pray that God (or whatever power you believe in) will bring them back to us and bring them back to themselves. I firmly believe that and hope that you can take some comfort in that as well. We will all get better and we will live a happy life at some point. I hope this helps at least a little. And now I would like to end with an Irish blessing:

May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, thanks so much for that, you are right and I can tell you have a lot of wisdom. As I was with my counselor I was realizing that I am definitely the one thats ahead, its just that without her, and when she is the one that is choosing to leave it feels like getting left behind, like being a victim. I still feel an obligation, some responsibility to prevent her from going down the road shes on, because everything is telling me that it is wrong and that I still have a duty to protect her. As the completely devoted, loyal and faithful husband I've been that is one of the hardest things to let go of. Before I wrote this message I was pacing back and forth going over all the bad situations she could be walking into... sure she says this guy was a "gentleman" but what if he wants more this time (then dark thoughts start taking hold) and I am so insecure and have little faith that my wife (for lack of another word) will act responsibly and in the best interests of her future and our son. It really is her short term decisions I'm worried about most right now. But its her decisions to make and it is so hard to take. But if I plead with her to be safe, to make sure her friends (of whom I don't really know because she's gone through so many and most of her current social network are all 20 somethings, never been married had kids owned a house etc) know where she is it only looks like I'm being weak. But I think I have a genuine reason to be worried about her physical safety, she's walking right into a potentially dangerous situation. And still a part of me believes that if she gets hurt I know I'll be there to pick her up and show her it will be okay, but that is another part that I have to let go of if I want to see this separation through (because in my heart I believe that is what I need to do right now). I'm very very close to the "point of no return" as my counselor put it where I have to decide whether I will wait or move on, and by moving on meaning let the marriage cease and go to greener pastures I guess.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, I just posted on here. Our posts overlapped. In their I said I would be there for her when she seriously needs me until another comes along. That is in direct comparison to what said about you still being the caretaker the protector. For you and me it has to be an unlearning process a letting go if you will of the feeling that you are responsible for her safety. Part of the choice she made is to fire you as her caretaker. She should know that she did that and own up to it.

I've already decided that I will fight to protect her until the time the divorce papers are signed. After that, the gloves come off. My job is done. I stay her friend until she is well on her own. Then, I will turn around and ride off into the sunset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

BL, thanks. I am trying. It is interesting to see all of the different phases we are all going through. I have a friend who is in the process of a long divorce and he said to me in the beginning that he knew what I was going to do even before I did. He was right. We should all take hope from those who have moved along the path of improvement and see that this is our future. It does not diminish the pain, but makes the endgame much more clear. I thank you and everyone else for their wisdom and pray for all of us that we get to that point in our lives where we can look back and be, at least, happy that we didn't sink into the pit. I have another friend who left her husband (similar issues to mine and my W's) and she said he is a mess and has gotten worse since she left. We are all here for help and thank whatever power you believe in that we found each other. I will keep posting and hope that I can help some of the people who are going through what I went through and am still going through.

Lon, You are welcome. I don't really consider myself as a wise man, just getting some clarity. Tough love is almost more painful for us than for the other, but sometimes it is a necessity. Searching for that remedy to the hole in your life is almost like an addiction. Some will never recover and some have to hit rock bottom before they can start the long road back up. I don't understand how you feel (don't want to patronize) but I do empathize. I can only imagine what I would be going through if my W were doing what yours is. You want to protect her, but I think sometimes you have to let them fail on their own to see what is happening to themselves. That is why I told my W this evening that we have to separate our accounts. I want to give her everything she wants, but I can't continue to support her in what she is doing. Like I said, it hurts us more than it hurts them. One thing I said to my boss today is to imagine what she would do if someone did this to her son. That really "got her feathers up" as she put it. Her and another lady from work wanted to get in the car and drive an hour to give my W a piece of their minds, but that just proves to me how much they love and respect me. Find those people in your life and listen to them. You don't have to take their advice, but sometimes the outside perspective helps you focus on what you have to do. As always. Good luck, and we will all be praying for you and everyone else.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> ...I said I would be there for her when she seriously needs me until another comes along... For you and me it has to be an unlearning process a letting go if you will of the feeling that you are responsible for her safety. Part of the choice she made is to fire you as her caretaker. She should know that she did that and own up to it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I said that at the beginning too until I learned about the (first bout) of infidelity which she said she didn't regret but was not planning on pursuing. That was a very confusing place and I'm glad I got out of there even if it did mean finding out the details of the more ongoing affair with stud #2. I am angry that she went forth before even letting me heal, she has no self control and treated me with no compassion or love, but I guess for her its no biggie because I've known most of our marriage that she is very selfish - until my trust in her was shattered I never viewed that selfishness as a bad thing it just was what it was. The things is I still have this protectionist sense of duty (among all the other things I'm still holding onto) despite her moving onto other things, I still want to fix things but I definitely don't want to be some kind of "cuckold" (my dictionary word of the week).

I know she needs to fall in order to realize she is not fulfilling her soul but by the time she falls that far down I honestly don't know if I'll ever have enough respect left for her to accept her back into my life. I think I'm already past the point of no return as far as having hope that we can have the marriage we wanted with each other at one time. We've already agreed that if we do come out in the end of all this with a monogamous relationship it will be something entirely new, it will not be the old relationship polished up, so yeah its over I'm just not able to get my heart over that threshold yet.

I wish so bad that this wasn't complicated by infidelity because then I feel like I would actually know what to do, but I also know that she is terrified of that because it didn't work the first time and she will not let herself trust anyone who has hurt her.


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## askwomennow (May 27, 2011)

Here this link might help.

Mouithsone - Unpleasant Side of Divorce: Why You Shouldn't Divorce!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I don't think that article (if you can even call it that) really helps me at all... we both knew what we were getting into in terms of a legal contract, marriage is what it is. I do kinda agree with the sentiment that when you are married every problem becomes something you have to get over together, its a lifelong commitment to each other and divorce is just an easy way out (for one of the parties anyways), but as it turns out she either wasn't on the same page all along or has changed her state of mind enough to convince herself that divorce is the best option.

p.s. in case it wasn't clear it is my wife who is wanting to get out and it is also her who is adultering - I know... I'm CRAZY for even wanting to reconcile, but honestly at this point I'm not really sure of anything anymore, except that I have to heal somehow.

or maybe that was just spam, since AWN is banned?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow Lon, I didn't noticed the "banned" status until you mentioned it. I don't think AWN meant any harm by the article but I agree with you that it really doesn't help me either. What are they trying to say, that if you wife is adulterating, or if someone is abusing their spouse, etc. that you should both be forced to stay in a toxic dangerous relationship? I don't think so, although I do realize that it is far too easy for people to walk out on their commitments when life becomes a little uncomfortable for them. So we march on!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah exactly, I'm pretty certain that trying to force my wife to stay with me and mandate how she has to behave wouldn't go over with her at all. Her father tried to convince me I needed to be more like that, I even tried to a certain extent and she responded for a moment, but its not who I am or how we are and so I couldn't keep up the charade very long before blowing the balance. Nor do I care how much any of this costs the American (or Canadian) taxpayer.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, I think that is so funny. It cost's the taxpayer? Really!!! Explain to me how me having to take out ALL of my assets (house equity, retirement 401K, stocks) and having to pay thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars in penalty taxes to the government so I can pay off all of my debt and start over cost's the government money! ERRRRRR!! What a F-ckin'''' JOKE!!!!! Their a bunch of clowns!!!

Whew, don't get me started on that, that's another post of it's own. What I am trying to say is that MY divorce is MAKING them money and killing my retirement income!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Part of the choice she made is to fire you as her caretaker. She should know that she did that and own up to it._Posted via Mobile Device_


Looking back at my posts I came across this and realized that I don't even know if I really have been a caretaker for her, it feels like I have but maybe only in my head, and thats where a lot of the shame and inadequacy must be coming from. I was always there in the background and felt like my behaviors really enabled her to seek out what she thought would make her happy. In a lot of ways she has found happiness, but it is without me and I don't think she ever realized the part I played in it and how emotionally invested I was in that. It probably wasn't healthy for me, was probably a co-dependent behavior, but it was a big part of how I saw myself in the relationship and when she took herself out it was beyond just rejection (which is painful enough) it was like like my guts were yanked out too. 

One of my friends whom went through a nasty divorce reminded me there was nothing useful in trying to compare the pain and I definitely have accepted that, but sometimes I just need to express it for my own sanity.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Lon, express away man! I did feel like a caretaker, because I was there for everything she asked. And last year, I was literally her caretaker while she was battling a serious illness. I am learning that there probably lays the problem. I became co-dependant to a point where I felt compelled to take care of her every minute of the day. In essence, choking her and not giving her breathing room. I was probably to analytical and too detailed about things and it probably put a lot of pressure on her. What did I learn from this, that if there is ever to be another LTR for me, I will be me always; I will care for the new SO, but it will be from a different appoach, I will try the arms length approach and just let her and myself be, and allow room to express ourselves as individuals without suffocationg each other in expectations. Hopefully that will cultivate a healthier and happier LTR.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

BL you sound a lot like me, different circumstances but I'd probably behave a lot like you. As to LTR, that is the last thing on my mind but there is a very strong compulsion for something less serious - I don't necessarily mean casual hookups, just something fun and with someone with a personality and appearance that I'm attracted to. I don't even remember the last time I've had fun (there has been a lot of things I've liked, but not really in a "fun", satisfying way) and I certainly want to know what its like to be treated like a man again (and conversely treat a lady). My friends and family tell me that I am the the strongest man and most devoted father they know , but without someone to share that with it feels so meaningless and I don't know if that means a LTR or just a date.

I say this but I really don't know if I am ready to act on it, I'd like to think I can especially knowing (well, 99.5%) that I'm beyond the point of hoping my wife will come back to me. Like I said maybe the way she ended things can be a blessing in disguise and if I meet someone I won't be rebounding all over the place. And if I revert to the old me I'm so afraid of being alone again, because I am so shy and introverted it seems like a 1 in 10 year event that someone comes along who is patient enough to actually find out my real personality.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow, you sound a lot like me. I dont think I'm shy but introvert yes thats me. I know what you mean about a short term relationship too. I was talking about a possible LTR a long way down the road. In near future, exactly what you said about something fun with someone with personality and attractiveness. I have had these thoughts about actually finding someone like that and go kayaking, backpacking, to a play, ballet, even as simple as catch a movie. Just something fun and enjoy each others company. I miss that so much. Anyway, we will see. I wonder if there is any disrespect in doing that if we are still separated but have not filed for D yet. I know its going to happen just gotta sell the house first. What do you or others on here think about the risks involved with dating in this situation? There is no doubt about divorce it is immenent it's just taking a while to get our things separated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

In my case I don't think I'll feel any guilt, it not like she waited. She has actually been encouraging me to get out there, but I think it is largely so that she can deal with her own internal conflict.

I have been putting a lot of swagger into my step, keeping my head up, slowing it down and acting confident... I've even slowed down my talking and lowered my voice half an octave. This all sounds kinda lame but it literally has been getting me more eye contact (not just the creeped out look either, smiles too). I've never felt this confident and if it leads to pleasure than good, I'm not going to feel bad because I deserve it.

Meanwhile I talked with my dad tonight and he is worried about things getting messy and my wife doing her own 180 deciding to make me suffer or raking me over coals. I'm reluctant to go on that road cause it is all negative, except I've been finding out that my wife is still lying and manipulating people along her way (even though I've never really known her to be capable of that) and so I am going to hire a lawyer to help me get my legal affairs in order even though both of us have strongly believed that going through the lawyers and courts wasn't something we needed to rely on to get through this. I mostly want to protect my relationship with my son and my ability to maintain a livable income.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I'm also tired.. I can only give it my best shot but that's as far as I can do.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Lon and all: Thanks for all of your posts, they have helped me alot! I signed the papers yesterday and when I asked X how he was doing he sounded happy and replied I'm ok, what about you, I said neh. And moved on. We're stuck in same house until it sells but this is a major challenge and we'll probably have to lower price again.

It really stinks when you are the one left. No doubt about it. Mine has an EA from facebook, then texting, calling and leaving for wks at a time. Suddenly, this secretive stuff stopped when he got back from last runaway 2 wk vacation. He told me he had met EA, one time. I think I know what happened, he discovered she is not 35 yrs old but 65, married 45 yrs and the rest I leave up to you because it is plain what happened.

Was I glad , hell yeah. He deserved it. But now, it is about me and my emotional well-being. Yes it would be nice to date but I am not ready yet.

Just understand: poo happens. You reflect on your contribution to the dissolution (if that is to be the case), change what you can through assistance with IC, family and friends and MOVE ON. What choice do we really have?

What helps me is the following:
Don't project about tomorrow
Stay in the moment
This too shall pass
We will get bored from the pain
Talk, talk, talk until you don't want to anymore
Positive affirmations (man I would love to buy a new wardrobe: no money)
Get excited about the door that is opening up on a new adventure, THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST
There are many more fish in the sea, THANK GOD

Pray, it helps or meditate for peace of mind.
Love to all....


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

dante said:


> Depression - fixing that
> Anger - fixed that
> Apathy - fixed that
> _Sex drive - fixed that_


need to finds the secret fix for that, anti depressants lowered the sex drive to,ummm, negative levels I think, actually, that has been a good thing so far


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Crank,

No secret. I had an epiphany the other day. I have never slept so well in the last two months. It just takes time. One of the things my C said to me yesterday is that I am finally seeing that it was not my fault. I share part of the blame, but I think we all here feel like it was our problem and our SO had little or nothing to do with it. In my case, my W had me convinced that I was the main problem in the relationship. She is not a bad person, just misguided in some ways. I know that I will still have bad days, but not nearly as many as I have had over the last few months. I have to say finding the songs that spoke to our relationship has made things so much more clear. That is why I have been listening to Everclear for the last day or so. Sometimes we need someone else to show us the way. 

It takes time, but I am in love with myself now. I am focusing on me, which has been a theme across all of the threads, but now I see it. A moment of clarity as they say in AA. As the great philosopher Rodney Dangerfield said, "Watch out for number 1, but don't step in number 2!"


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Im in the same boat!!!! FB--> EA, secret meetings, texting all the time. 
But she still insists he is just a friend...
got everyone convinced too.
So, we are signing the papers soon too, for divorce.
I ask myself often why this is happening, was it me? I used to be frontman for a band here that played shows all the time, and that died down, money got tight, and couldnt afford to pay for studio rent amongst 2 other members, so I shelved it and decided to get closer and more active in my family. I think I have given up my "coolness" factor in her eyes. I dont know. I tried to do something with it, but never sacrificed the important family times. And THEN the OM showed up on FB (myspace before) and all this happened to this point.
It really is a "Daily" struggle.
Just saying,,, Im going through it too. Nothing seems very bright or happy right now.
Many friends of mine are married and having newborns, and I wanted a big family too, with lots of kids. not to dump on the blessings Ive been granted of course, but its hard to see ones life given the old switcheroo at this time in my life.
Will be 40 in a few months.
I keep hearing myself say inside my head, "What am I going to do?"


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

yourbabygirl said:


> Dante, it's very much the same for me, not that it would make you feel better.
> 
> I really don't know why someone could just fall out of love just like that, maybe it took a long time and we were too dense to even notice, or maybe it came like an epiphany.


I think my wife was both, she was unhappy and it was coming for a long time. She put too many conditions and expectations on me but I will admit I dropped the ball as well.

Then her cancer hit last year, it was a timeout for us for one year to focus on that, and now that she is well, the journey of that illness caused her to have an epiphany - then poof! Gone, just like that.

It's sad, terrible and unfair for me, but it just is. And I hurt tremendously but, I don't hurt as badly as I did last year thinking she was going to leave us all permanently. So I think IMHO, that I have an unfair advantage over many of you on here in that I already shed almost ALL the tears, pain, and agony last year - and I can't do that twice - it would kill me. So I choose to be strong for myself and my kids and move on with my life to the fullest of my being.

Sorry dante, I guess we need to learn from this to read their signals better and address their needs straight on with verbal communcation. This won't happen to me again - not like this.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all,

I haven't been posting here much lately. I have felt a new energy after basically telling the W that we need to get moving on this D. That happened about 10 days ago and I started packing up her stuff. Heard nothing from her since then. I had some down times, but nothing compared to the week before or the months before. Now I am lost again. Feeling so tired of life and all of this BS. 

I went with some friends to a Native American Pow Wow today. Beautiful dancing and regalia. It was something I was looking forward to for the last few weeks. The problem was that while I was there all I could think about was her. One of the dancers invited me out on the field to dance with her, but I couldn't do it. What she didn't see was that behind my sunglasses I was crying. My friends had left for other parts and all I could do was stand there and try not to sob. Couldn't even leave because we had to be bussed in to the event. 

I managed to pull myself together long enough to get home and then I just lost it. I paced in the garage smoking like a chimney and repeating over and over "I hate my life" and "I don't want to go on anymore." 

Let me say that I am not the type to commit suicide, but I can see now (after this whole separation) how people can feel like it is a viable option. Even though it isn't, and not just for the religious implications. 

I currently have a headache and feel like I could sleep for days, even though I am going through an on and off period of insomnia. I know it will get better, but it just feels like I have a 20 ton weight on my chest and I can't breathe. 

Just needed to get that off my chest. I hope everyone is having a better day than me. I just don't know how to continue on. I can't figure out what to do and how to move on without her. Especially since she seems to be so calm about the whole thing (although she probably should be since she left me).


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, push through it!! I too was out at a dance party last night (salsa which I don't know), got dragged onto the floor, made myself look like I was having fun but I wasn't. (I was enjoying just watching honestly). Anyways went back to my seat and tears started coming, had to get out walk around the back of the building and balled my eyes out - definitely wanted to just be dead.

Anyways, went back in pushed through the rest of the night - what I did take from this though is that there was a beginners salsa workshop so I went today and pushed through. It wasn't really my idea of fun but I did my best and got a darn sweaty workout atleast - now I feel amazing that I did something new. We both need to keep on keeping on, and acknowledge the good things we can still have in life.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

YES! So get where you're coming from. And if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be here still. The pain is so awful sometimes that you just want it to end. I've had a hell of a time enjoying myself out in public. And the dumbest things make me want to cry. Everything reminds me of him, and the fact that we will never be together again in any way other than the business way of raising kids. The only future I can see is HIS for some stupid reason, with mine feeling bleak and empty. I have to work every minute of the day to push forward and carve out a life for me, and it is a struggle all the way. The only good thing that has come of this is I am closer to my kids and more patient with them than I used to be. No wait, now there's two good things. I've lost 40lbs too. :smthumbup:


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

woman Scourned

I would be happy if I could lose weight during this whole mess, instead all I do is eat junk food and gain weight.

I know how hard it is to get thru this, I struggle every single day. I don't want a divorce but then again I dont want what my marriage was either.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Clinging: I'm sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's not a healthy weight loss.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I was at the same place as y'all earlier this week. I had a day or two that I just wanted give up in every way possible. Started with talking to H, unloading my thoughts and feelings (rather nastily too) on him. Then came the fight with DD, only 3 days til she's 18. Sent H a text after the fight with DD that said " lost you, now her too?" Shouldn't have sent it, felt so desperate and totally adrift, guess I wanted to cling as tightly as I could to the life rafts that are my kids. 

By Wed though things started to look up. Went to my son's house and spent several hours with him, his fiancee and her mom going through music for the wedding and reception. Texting for a couple of days with DD (at her aunts right now.)We got things back on track there. Today was going down to Tampa and picking up DD's dress for the wedding (she's a bridesmaid) then to the tux place. I may be looking at a divorce but thank God for their wedding, having something to look forward to.

I too have lost a lot of weight. Started dropping it off after the surgery and it really accelerated when all this crap happened with H. Effective but wouldn't recommend this method to anyone.

I had this thought... "I gave as good as I got and got as good as I gave. You gave as good you got and got as good as you gave. Somewhere we stopped giving each other our best."


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