# Thinking about ex, being short with my wife..



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Married for three months now. I left my ex fiance for my current wife about three years ago. Everything went great between us and everything for her still is great. I have just started to have my doubts and she can sense it and it is hurting us. 

We have a lot in common and we laugh together and can coexist easily. The problem is right before the wedding I began to get really bad cold feet and she knew about it and we had long talks and decided to still get married. Since the honeymoon I can't help but constantly focus on her negative flaws (she is overly nice and tries to do every single thing she can that she thinks will make me happy, she doesn't have a lot of self esteem, and lately even her squeaky voice is starting to get to me). On top of all of that, I can't seem to constantly worry that I made a mistake by leaving my ex fiance. Most of my family and friends didn't agree with how I handled things and I think would have preferred me to stay with my ex and that gets under my skin a little. 

My ex has since married as well and moved out of state. My mom mentioned that maybe I should call her and wish her luck and all of that but I decided I should not out of respect for both of our marriages. Her being married really doesn't make me jealous because I guess I am happy for her because I never thought I gave her enough love anyway. I still regret it though in a way.

I fell in love with my wife when I met her and I had never felt I was in love with my ex (same old story right?) I have researched and looked on here and a lot of people say the first year of marriage can be difficult because of the way you have to get used to each other and accept the little things that. My wife makes me happy and would be a good lifelong partner. She is sweet and respectful and would never cheat on me and I would never cheat on her. 

One of the problems I had in my last relationship is that I was not happy so I was very unfaithful. I decided to spare a future with kids having to deal with divorce so I broke it off. I now would never cheat on my wife and I view this as a very positive thing. I also have become a much more honest person. So there are positives about us, I just want to stop being slightly rude to her and I also want my ex to get out of my head. 

Any suggestions?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You've already given us enough reason for you to forget about your ex-. Guilt is one thing, but this idea that you want to forget how bad things really were with her is another. You cheated on her -- with your current wife? If so, that could be part of the problem.

Yes, the first year of marriage can be difficult. But then yours is more difficult because you married against your better judgement. You weren't totaly commited to the idea of getting married so you will always have that excuse to fall back on. You need to get THAT out of your head if you want your marriage to survive. You decided to marry her. You did it. You stood there and took those vows so any previous concerns are moot. I suspect that if you get that out of your head you'll be farther along than you think.

You can also encourage your wife to work on her self-esteem -- to get a hobby or go back to school or find something she's passionate about so that you don't feel crowded. And, take time for yourself so that you don't allow yourself to BE crowded. Everyone needs space now and then.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Yes I cheated on her with my current wife and maybe you are right that that is why things have been a little difficult. 

I did take the vows, I wrote them and I take them seriously. Maybe it is because she is a reminder that I did cheat?

I love her though and I want to make everything work and I don't want to leave her. So how do I stop thinking about that?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You go to therapy to figure out why you cheated instead of just breaking up with your ex-. You need to work on that issue (passive-aggressiveness) because it will show up in your current marriage and will definitely sabatoge it.

And, you ask your wife to go on her own to figure out why she would be with someone who was already taken and to deal with her self-esteem issues. While she didn't cheat on you, she stole. She took something that wasn't hers. She knew what she was doing and was selfish about it. (Her low self-esteem at work -- she needed your attention more than she cared about any morality issues.) 

Then, the two of you need to come together to work on issues like trust and respect because surely after getting together the way you did, respect has to suffer. 

IMO, you're both in a place where either could cheat to fulfill some other need. You just don't see it now because things are relatively good. But if you don't deal with your issues, you will surely have a rough marriage.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Thank you for the advice though maybe I will seek therapy, but I want to try to work it out on my own first. It has only been three months after all. 

Anyone else have any advice?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Why put off going to counseling? Are you somehow ashamed that you might need help....what if by putting it off you totally screw the whole thing up beyond repair because she reaches her 'enough is enough' point. And believe me - with women we will put up with a lot but once we've reached that point there is almost no going back. Being passive-agressive you need help figuring out how to communicate (believe me I know) and she is codependent from what you wrote - she needs help understanding that she needs her own life - not just to be a 'moon' to your earth. I know the old saying about finding your other half but my husband and I agree - we wanted to be with whole people - not 1/2 a person.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Because I don't think she would agree to go to counseling right now and I don't think I am ready either. I don't think we can afford it right now either. 

We do communicate some, it is not as if we never talk about how we are feeling. I bought the book Boundaries in Marriage and she has read through it. We have set up girls and guys nights. She doesn't like the girls nights too much and I have trouble scheduling guys nights but we try. So the boundary thing with her is being worked on. 

I just don't know how to tell her "hey I think about my ex a lot even though I don't really want her back, I just am trying not to feel guilty about how it all went down."


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I don't know if the guilt will go away - I have an issue that is related to yours that I still feel guilty over - unfortunately I think it is part of the price you pay for doing what you did. You have to learn when those thoughts pop up to acknowledge the thought and then think about something else - to not obsess on those thoughts because that just leads to a vicious circle. 

If you have insurance, it should pay for counseling (at least some of it) when you decide to do it. If not there are free programs in most places (especially churches) that could help.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

That does help thank you...

What is the thing that you feel guilty over?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I cheated on my exhusband - no my current one - but I still feel very guilty about it in regards to my ex, and the other people involved. I learned my lesson and what lead me down that path - so I won't be repeating it - but I still feel very guilty and disappointed in myself. One of my past posts tells the whole story if you want to read it (click on my name and it should give you a list of all the threads I've started.)


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Thanks I will check it out.

Does anyone else have any advice?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My take on your situation is that you have matured and become a better man. It doesn't sound like it has much to do about your ex, but more about your guilt for treating her the way you did and somewhat resentful that your wife was part of that betrayal and doesn't carry the same guilt about it that you do. I think we all have things from our past that we wished we handled differently, but the guilt is there for a reason. It helps you maintain the mature man you are today.

I believe you are already doing the best thing you can for your ex...to be happy that she has found someone and moved on. I don't agree (sorry mom) with contacting her as it would be more to make yourself feel better and could make her feel better (closure) or could make her feel worse.

I think the boundary books are a great idea for you both...sounds like you just need a little space...it's hard to suddenly 'share' your life, time, etc. with someone else when one wants to be together all the time and the other needs some 'alone' time.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

I think does carry some guilt as we have talked about it a little bit. I agree that I have become more mature but then I can't help but think that maybe that would have come with time anyway and I should have just stuck with my ex. Then a part of me thinks that I probably would have continued my bad ways if it would have continued. 

All in all I just worry I may never get over this and though I am now faithful and honest and more mature, I still will not help but be reminded of it all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why are you so reluctant to invest in therapy when it could actually help you? The biggest problem people have with therapy is that they wait to go until the problem is larger than they have the capacity to handle. Since you're questioning being married to the person you are now married to and your guilt is tied directly to what you did with her, your marriage is already at risk. 

You can avoid new damage by promptly dealing with the old damage.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

I'm not reluctant I am just not ready to plunge into that without both of us talking through things on our own. We are working on things right now and if it doesn't get better we can go to that next step. Why are you so pushy and abrupt on this topic? Did you deal with a similar situation or something? 

I am just trying to talk to everyone here for some first-step advice and in my opinion therapy is a last resort sort of move.
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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Most people never want to go to counseling when it is given as advice. They (or their SO) waffle around the subject with the same reasons you gave - but somehow want the users of the board to find a better answer - anything other than that - to help them solve their problem. It does get frustrating to recommend something that is a legitimate help, but no one ever listens.

Hopefully you can understand the frustration - it just comes across as pure stubbornness sometimes - we can't always fix things for ourselves as many who have been on the boards for a while know.

But whatever route you take I wish you luck and hope it gets better soon.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

I see it as a good option but not quite yet. Thank you for explaining TN. Have you gone to counseling? If so, did it work?
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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I haven't but I would of if I'd wanted to stay in the other marriage - and I would if my guilt starts interfering with my life - but it hasn't. I'm able to acknowledge the thought and let it go - just like most stressers in my life - I think about how good my life is now and that I shouldn't dwell on past mistakes that I can do nothing to fix.

It works for me and it may work for you. But counseling is never a bad idea in my opinion - believe me I seriously seriously considered it at my worst point several years ago but once I cleared my conscience to my hubby I didn't need to anymore. Once I get things out in the open I typically do fine with whatever it is.

Hopefully that doesn't come across as hypocritical - giving you advice when I haven't done it myself - but ultimately in my situation I didn't need it. I have been to premaritial counseling and believe me it does bring up things to discuss and it helps to have someone there to work through them with your SO - it would be the same for this as well.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

What did you say to your H? I don't really know what to tell my wife. I have told her how I feel guilty over what happened.
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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Well - mine is a different situation - he didn't know about it - he knew my ex had cheated on me but not that I had done the same. I just blurted it all out one day when I was about to have a panic attack with all the thoughts running through my head. He could tell how awful I felt about it. We just talked about what had lead up to it and he told me he was there any time in the future that I needed to discuss it.

The trick you have is that I got a kind of 'forgiveness' - at least in my mind although he would say he had nothing to forgive. You can't get that as your SO was in it with you.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Exactly haha so what the heck do I do?
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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I've gone to counseling, and it has been very helpful. For one thing, I respect the guy. He's incredibly intelligent, astute and articulate. He's also spiritual (not religious, per se but feels that love is a direct line to God). His entire goal is to teach people to love themselves, forgive themselves, and to choose loving behavior. 

Part of the problem is what you believe and for a lot of people, they can't see alternatives they don't believe. Therapy can help change those beliefs into something you can live with.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was cheated on when I was dating...and he married her a few months later...I eventually met and married my now husband and looking back, yes it was a crap thing to do...he should have respected me enough to end things properly before moving on to someone else but hindsight is 20-20...I felt horrible at the time but it enabled me to move on and marry someone I am much more compatible and comfortable sharing my life with...since your ex is now remarried, she may feel the same way. I don't thing the guy is a horrible person, just lacked the ability to confront a difficult situation (didn't want to hurt me, etc.) But I can say that now, it did take time, and I am glad all worked out the way it did cuz it's all good now 

Best thing you can do for yourself, your wife and your ex is to forgive yourself for your past....you've already learned from it and applied it in a positive way to your life.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

Thanks swedish. Did you ever get closure with your ex? I am happy for my ex and glad she has moved on and I feel no jealousy toward her new husband but I think I may still lack closure or maybe it is forgiveness from her. That is probably a selfish thing to want all things considered but still.

I just have to figure out how to forgive myself and to some extent my wife because she was involved. Thanks for sharing it feels good to not be alone anymore
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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Not one of my prouder moments, but initially that was my problem...lack of closure...he kept on contacting me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life, etc...and it made it even more difficult for me to move on...eventually, I wrote his new wife a letter...told her about our relationship and how it ended & that I had no interest in him, just wanted him to stop contacting me. Yep, that worked for me as far as closure...but probably hurt her in the process and that part I am not proud of.


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## dawnie (Nov 17, 2009)

There is a danger with a fantasy, in that the fantasy has no flaws. 

This comment was made to Sabrina in the remake film of the original. 

You should consider your Ex as the fantasy. You are in danger of really hurting the woman you are married to and say you love. I agree with the counseling concept, but I would also say there is a level of maturity needing to come in here too. The thing with your ex is over. That's why it is "EX". You need to settle it in your head once and for all and if you can't, then you need counseling to help you.


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