# Not the love of my husband's life



## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Hello, first time posting.. I have been married for almost a year. I am in my early 30s, husband is 40. We are are already expecting our first baby this winter. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I feel his ex (and first girlfriend who he was almost engaged to and only other serious relationship he's had besides me) was the love of his life. They were both 33 when they started dating and it lasted 2.5 years. I trust him and they haven't talked since before we got together so I am not worried about her being in his life. But I feel deep down that he will always love her more, that what they had was more passionate that what we have. 

During our recent move, I found a letter he had written to her. They had talked about getting married but he had a lot of hesitation because she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose. Well, in the letter, he said here is a gift (custom engagement ring) no strings attached but that he knows now he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he will never love anyone more etc. That she can keep the ring (which was cost double what mine is btw) and he doesn't expect to hear from her - that he will take that as a sign she's found happiness which is good enough. I've also found poems he wrote to her, picture folders of her and a file folder dedicated to her on his old computer but he has never done that or had those things for me. He gifted her so many nice things but he never spent that much on me. Granted she picked those items out and I am not into brand name items.. I also found a video on his old laptop just kissing her for an extended time. I can't even remember the last time we just sat there and kissed. 

All of those things with his ex happened before my husband and I met. I just feel so lost, heartbroken, insecure, guilty for digging through his stuff, and completely selfish for being sad when I should be elated for my baby that is on the way. I don't know how to resolve the issue.. I've talked to him but haven't gone into detail yet about the things I've found on his computer. He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier. Any advice will be appreciated.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

You better figure out what you want. Okay. Let's say he did have a girlfriend who was the great love that didn't work out. He bought her stuff. It was nice stuff, because she chose nice stuff. (They're not even things you want.) He didn't marry her. He moved her out of his life. And you wouldn't even know about her if you hadn't snooped. So he kept some things that were part of that sweet and terrible time? So what? Plus, you don't know who he was back then. And you certainly didn't know her. 

Now, you've decided that because he had a "great love" in his life before you came along that you're somehow getting shorted. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? You want him to erase part of his life? You want to change places with her? But he didn't marry her. 

Know what? You've taken the product of your snooping and build their old relationship up into some kind of grand love, when the truth is that their relationship simply would not work. Quite possibly, it could never work and shouldn't have been tried, but he (and possibly she) were infatuated. Lot's of fire, but nothing you could cook over. Is that what you want? An infatuation. They fade, you know. They're terrible foundations for marriages because infatuation trumps all the stuff you should be paying attention to. It fades, and the realities storm forth and destroy the marriage. Want that? 

You're jealous of something that was never worthy of being envied. It didn't work. And quite likely, he learned something from it, that fire isn't enough. He might even have recognized his close shave and resolved not to let himself be that blinded again. Because what they had eventually burns out. And I think maybe he realized that and then figured out what would make a marriage work forever. And he found it with you. Not her. You're jealous of a failed fantasy. And you're punishing him for committing to you for the right reasons and not for the wrong ones that nearly messed up her and his ex'es lives in the past. You're punishing him, because he knows something's wrong. I guarantee you he knows, even if he doesn't know what it it. 

And so far as those preserved memories of their time, you might be glad it's memorable, because it's the lessons learned then that made today possible for you. He gets to remember. You don't get to say he can't. 

You almost seem self-destructive, but I don't think you are; you're just being dumb. Wild infatuation that can't work? Or genuine, worthy, steady love that does? Which would you want? If you're at all sane, you know which you want. Well, congratulations. You have it. Now don't screw it up.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Kind of harsh lol the thing is he was trying to win her back and marry her.. but she didn't want to get back together at that point. Anyway thanks for the reality check


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I️ really feel for you - if I️ came across stuff like that I️ doubt I’d be able to keep myself from looking!! Have you talked to him about it? Your feelings are completely valid. You don’t have to defend them. Emotions are a biological / neurological response to your environment; there’s nothing to be ashamed of and trying to force them to change doesn’t work. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you for empathizing! I know it's bad to snoop... couldn't help it  Yes, talked to him about it but I don't feel that much better knowing all that stuff. He just says he loves me and will try to be better at showing that and how he's never been happier in life. Sigh*


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Congrats on soon being a mommy! And honestly I don't blame you at all, I would have totally looked myself. It's difficult because everyone goes through different stages in life and certain people are part of those stages. This is something you can't change. I'm certain he is in a different stage with you now, and "he's never been happier in life" as he said. 

Try not to compare and just focus on all the positive things you have going on in your life right now. 

I am wondering though as to what caused them to split? And why wouldn't she want to marry him if he was trying to win her back. Or maybe you guys haven't talked about this?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am of the belief the love of your life is the one you give your life to. Which he did to you. Maybe he did love this woman, but every love is different. You are going to give him children. Talk to him about it.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

I will try thank you <3 yes, he's told me.. I guess she was sick of waiting for him to propose and thought he shouldn't be listening to his fam/friends who were against their relationship/possible marriage. He said he has a lot of hesitation because they would fight a lot, she was controlling, she was not Christian (which is important to him). But he did try to get her back and marry her so... it doesn't make me feel better :T


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you. What bothers me is he was going to give his life to her too..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Actions always speak louder than words. You are what you do and not what you say. 

I always tell people to go by what other people's actions and behaviors are and not what comes out of their mouth so lets look at his actions here. 

With the previous GF - they had a lot of bad fights. 

Do you and he fight?

With previous GF - he never proposed. 

Did he propose to you?

With previous GF - He did not marry her or make a home with her.

Did he marry you and make a home with you?

With previous GF - He did not father any children and make a family with her.

Didn't you mention something about a baby?

With previous GF - they broke up?

Has he broken up with you?


When you judge this on the merits of his actions and not on the words he wrote to her in a letter *BUT NEVER GAVE HER* before he even met you - it's pretty obvious that you are Numero Uno. 

Now to be fair, he may have had strong feelings at the time and the break up may have had some sting to it. But people are what they do and their actions are always the key, and his actions clearly show you in the #1 seat. 

You always hit the "Reset" button when you enter into a new relationship and when you came along he hit the 'Reset' button and his actions with you clearly demonstrate a much higher level of investment. 

It's always painful coming across love letters to someone else so I get your anguish here but your concerns of her being the love of his life are completely unjustified. 

Let this one go and concentrate on your own future together as a family and let his previous relationship die in peace. Stop trying to resurrect that ghost.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My advice is stay if you are OK in being his second choice and fells religiously obligated to stay married to you due to divorce not being recognized by his church. If being runner up in his life and love is not something you want, then do whatever you can to find a man who puts you first. 

I am an Atheist and often find that I have better morals than most religious people because I do the right thing because it is the right thing and not out of fear of damnation or reward of heaven from a deity. I would never marry a woman who was my second choice. Sure you can love someone who does not love you back but normal people forget that person and find another to love even more fiercely. It sounds like he regrets not marrying his ex every day of his life and symbolically, with the ring, is engaged to her. 

My wife is my second fiancé. My first love was extinguished after meeting my wife of 45 years. Many years later my ex called me up and told me what a big mistake it was to cheat on me and how bad her life had been. She told me that she still had every picture and item I ever gave her and wanted to meet for lunch and catch up. I told her no thanks, she had her chance and while I could forgive, I could not forget and that was the end of that. 

I could not live with being second best in anything I do, especially when it comes to love. You need to decide if you can or not. We cannot make that choice for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Let this one go and concentrate on your own future together as a family and let his previous relationship die in peace. Stop trying to resurrect that ghost.


I'm going to address this some more. 

I am going to give you a little leeway since you are pregnant and probably feeling a little insecure anyway and pregnant moms to be always need some extra support and assurances. 

But I am also going to give a pretty stern and serious warning. 

Find a way to let this go and move on. Even if it means getting some professional counseling or something. 

Do not let this fester and do not let this taint your marriage and relationship or you will turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

do not bug him about this and do not let this turn into an obsession and do not let it make you bitter and resentful towards him. You will simply poison a perfectly good marriage and relationship if you do. 

Find a healthy and productive way to put this in the past and let it remain in the past. It's done and over. Leave it that way.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

He did give her that letter. She just chose not to get back with him.
We don't fight a lot. When we do, it's not heated (like his other relationship) and it's productive.
He actually did propose to her in the end (in that letter) after they had been split for a while. 
We did have a break before we got engaged. He felt our relationship wasn't progressing towards marriage.

Thank you for your advices. I do need to let things go.. it's very hard because I'm very emotional right now being pregnant. God bless.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Thanks, I guess I am just not sure I'm the second choice. He doesn't feel that way but right now I do. I would leave if I knew for sure I was the second choice. He is great to me and I know he loves me. I just don't know if the level of love he had with his ex is stronger than he has for me.. if that makes sense. 

That's great you found the one and were so decisive


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your experiencing what is discussed on TAM quite a bit, retroactive Jealousy. Usually gets brought up when spouse finds out that their SO willing did certain sex acts, enjoyed them, with someone else. Yet then when SO is now married to current spouse, they don't do them. 

It makes spouse feel second best, like the SO does not value them as much.

In your case, it's not the physical, it's the emotional aspect that you value. Both of you may benefit from The 5 love languages book. Let your husband know that periods of kissing, etc are desired by you. That you need that emotional attention. Even more when your pregnant.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you. We've both read the book. I think mine are all 5 languages right now (maybe all the time?) lol Have to find a way to let it go.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you love your H? If he had married this other woman his life would be far different based on what you describe. Frequent fighting, her trying to control everything, raising a family outside of his chosen religion. Do you wish this life for him? People often think they want a certain thing and then once they have it, they find it to be less than they expected. Would you rather have married him after a divorce from his ex? You look at this as him feeling an opportunity missed but perhaps it is a bullet dodged. And you do realize that you are calling your H a liar and showing serious lack of trust when you do not believe what he says is true so I ask again do you truly love him? He does not seem to be regretful about his choice but you certainly do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

taryn226 said:


> I will try thank you <3 yes, he's told me.. I guess she was sick of waiting for him to propose and thought he shouldn't be listening to his fam/friends who were against their relationship/possible marriage. He said he has a lot of hesitation because they would fight a lot, she was controlling, she was not Christian (which is important to him). But he did try to get her back and marry her so... it doesn't make me feel better :T


So lets think about this logically. The love of his life is a women who he DIDN'T even propose to just gave her a ring he bought because is sound like the relationship was kind of a mess. But you the women he dedicated his life to, whom he is currently working and building a life and family with, the women he knocked up (yes that is a rough way to put it but I like it, you should knock up your wife) the women he knocked up and did all that is NOT the love of his life? Either you are severally over thinking this or you married a complete idiot. (Could be, it's not like we haven't seen it before on here but I doubt it. The fact that he didn't marry her because she wasn't a Christian says he is more strategic and thoughtful then that.)

So what is it? You tell us. 

Again in my mind the love of your life is the one you give you life to. In this case you!

Your husband sounds like all the other husbands on here who if were you to cheat on him would be broken and lose his mind. He is your typical good guy religious type who is taking care of his family. Whom working hard for his family to him is the best way to show his you his love. He is not writing you poems, mostly because he is not 25. See this romantic poem kind of thing is kind of the same issue for wife's that husbands have when they marry a women who had adventurous sex in her 20's but now is kind of vanilla. By the way I bet you if you put it to him that way he will understand better. He would probably want adventurous sex though so be prepared. >

That's the thing, you think she was the love of his life because it seems like he had passion for her. You want that passion too. Again it's the same problem as the sex problem that I described in the last paragraph. You worry that maybe he is not as responsive to you because he doesn't love you as much. Personally I don't think love and passion are the same thing. In fact I know they are not, but a lot of people think they are. The good news is I think the passion is something you can work on. To me it's probably a lot easier to get then love is. The good news is in my mind you have the love. The passion is kind of on you though too. I am going to give you a variant the same advice that the female posters give the men who come on here with the vanilla sex issue. Which is you need to seduce him. Men court women, women should court men too. I think some women don't realize that though. 

Gonna be honest and just say it, one of the best ways to get him to show you passion is to get your husband to lust after you. Only you can figure out how to do it, but do it. It should be fun to do anyway. Can you do that? I know it's hard when you are pregnant. By the way how much of this is that? All the hormones of that going on? Do you think that could be causing some of this?

Anyway maybe right now is not the time for passion but don't abandon it after you have your child. Work on it. Believe me a wife who tries to do this for a husband is like a priceless jewel to a good man. Guys will run through walls for wives like that. There are whole posts about that on here I think. Maybe you think that is crazy but I can assure you it's the way we work. At least most of us. 

Anyway that is my advice as someone who also wrote the poems in my 20's. I occasionally still do things like that for my wife. I bet if she saw some of that stuff I wrote for others it would bother her too. Didn't write that stuff on my computer though so there is no record, lucky for both of us. Unless these girls saved it. Most of the time I didn't even know what I was thinking. It wasn't love I can tell you that. 

Let me tell you without a doubt my wife is the love of my life. I get up and go to work, I clean the bathrooms in my house, I worry about her well being because of that. I have built my whole world around her. Her moods, her joys, her fears and her laughter. If that isn't love I don't know what is. I bet your husband feels the same way. 

Anyway stop worrying about this other women and work on you and him. Bring out the passion in him and your doubts will go away.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Thank you. I do love him but I want to feel more loved by him.. I love him and I think that's why I have this need to know I'm the greatest love of his life.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Well he did propose to her in that letter, when he gave her the ring. He said there's no strings attached to keep the ring but he will be waiting for her to spend the rest of his life with.. if she were to take him back. So he did TRY to give his life to her which is why everything he did for her bothers me more.

The romantic poems were when he was 33-35. Only a couple years before we started dating.

Yes, I'm sure a lot of this is the pregnancy hormones making me crazy or an idiot lol 

I appreciate all the advice. You sound like a wonderful husband to your wife


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Taryn, I know that finding these keepsakes & souvenirs of a love lost of your husband's bothered you. Woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), & 59 years old. It would bother me as it bothered you if my husband kept reminders of his former love. 

However, you must put these negative emotions away from your situation at the moment. You are expecting a child any time soon. You don't want to pass on an unhappy environment to your child. Do some hobbies that makes you happy. If you need individual counseling to help you along, do so.

Sorry that you are feeling insecure & unhappy at the moment. You will get over this. Best wishes to you.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Roselyn,
Thank you for your kind words <3 You're absolutely right. Have to start acting like a Mama


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

taryn226 said:


> Thank you. I do love him but I want to feel more loved by him.. I love him and I think that's why I have this need to know I'm the greatest love of his life.


How long before you stated dating him did he propose to her?

You are experiencing retroactive jealousy. It happens sometimes, it usually irrational and a relationship killer. This is your problem, not his. Maybe you would benefit from getting some counseling to deal with this so it does not further harm your marriage.

Is he the only person you have ever dated or been in love with?

If you feel that there is something lacking in your marriage, then you probably should concentrate on that and not some woman who he dumped and then chased after a long time ago. 

There are two books that I think would help the two of you: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I think it would help if you read them first. Then ask him to read them with you and do the work that they suggest. Many marriages need a tune up from time to time. These books tell you how to do that and walk you through the process.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

the fact that you are willing to read a book and are willing to read advice and seriously consider it is more unusual here than you would believe. You really do seem to have a good understanding of your own situation. One thing that keeps popping into my mind as I read your thread is a book that calmed my inner fears quite a lot. Reconnecting: A Self-Coaching Solution to Revive Your Love Life. Self coaching is a form of therapy that helps you overcome destructive thought patterns by understanding that they are not true. 
You have been doing very well at recognizing truths. Try this one on. A person can have more than one "Great Love". The idea that there is only one great love or one Soul mate is romance novel balderdash. It makes for a pretty story, but just isn't true. Tell yourself that you are the great love of his life now. And that you do want it to be different than it was with her.


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## sams740 (Jun 15, 2017)

Your husband love you more and more. But don't think about his G/f and your husbands past relationship. Just think about your husband only. Don't over think about past, it will gives your more tear. So love your husband with full mind and heart...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

taryn226 said:


> Well he did propose to her in that letter, when he gave her the ring.


I'm confused. You need to clear something up for me here. 

Was this an ink and paper letter or an email?

Because if it was an ink and paper letter and you found it, that means he did not give it to her. 

Letters that were never delivered do not count.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Painful stuff, THIS.

What is more painful is HIM keeping those letters, and you finding them.
Don't tell me he 'forgot' about them. That would then make three strikes against him.

One for being callous.
One for being careless.
One for being clueless, better said, being stupid.

I agree, his past, though normal in most respects, has struck you hard between the eyes.
Your noggin still ringing, your brain still shook, reading those words of undying love, which are obviously, not lies.

Look at it this way.
Most of us have had a love or two prior to marriage. And sometimes felt or thought it the best and the 'final'.
And then it was not, and it folded. Then another love cropped up. And it is the 'new' final.

And yes, reading those love letters and poems would rip at my heart.
Yes, it would.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A little esoteric tip from SCM, the dusty Ghost.

Burn those letters in a ceremony.

Set candles in a circle, say, out in some windless, outdoor setting. 
You in the middle, with one large candle, burning each letter, each poem, unrelenting.



And say some words to the effect: 

"I burn Thee, these letters, these poems. I am by turning you to ash. 
You are no longer visible, no longer true. Your grip and meaning on my husband are things of the past.
And you will never in his life reappear."

Repeat that with each incineration.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

taryn226 said:


> she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose.


I don't know what perspective your husband has, but his family and friends were RIGHT. I think your husband understood that on some level, otherwise, he would have probably proposed and ruined his life.
For a christian, being married to a non-christian can bring an end to how God will move in his life and the things he is available for in his walk and ministry with God. 

This was HIS CHOICE..... even before you were in the picture.... that has to speak for something.



taryn226 said:


> I just don't know if the level of love he had with his ex is stronger than he has for me.. if that makes sense.


It makes perfect sense, and I'm fully aware of the emotions which can accompany those thoughts. I'm sorry you are enduring the pain of this.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Maybe he had a more passionate relationship with her and more passionate feelings for the ex, but that's not what real love is all about. I'm guessing you're a Christian based on your post, so perhaps you understand that for followers of Christ, successful married love is about self-sacrifice, partnership and loving, respectful, thoughtful *behavior *rather than the ebbing/flowing/ever-changing *feelings* of passion. Your husband chose you to go through life with and that means far, far, far more than any passionate _feelings_ he may have had for his ex. Feelings change...and the longer you are together, the more changes you will experience, from disliking him intensely to feeling overwhelming passion for him, from periods of intense intimacy to periods of emotional isolation and disconnectedness. 

If you are a Christian, I would implore you to take this matter to the Lord in prayer and ask him for wisdom, understanding, knowledge and guidance.

And, yes, you ARE the love of your husband's life. He chose you to love for the rest of his life. That matters so much more than some passionate infatuation.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long before you stated dating him did he propose to her?
> 
> Is he the only person you have ever dated or been in love with?


I think about a year. 
He's not the only person I dated. Two other long term relationships and dated quite a bit. He actually has dated much less than me..


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> the fact that you are willing to read a book and are willing to read advice and seriously consider it is more unusual here than you would believe. You really do seem to have a good understanding of your own situation.


Thank you. I'm going to look into your book recs.


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I'm confused. You need to clear something up for me here.
> 
> Was this an ink and paper letter or an email?
> 
> Because if it was an ink and paper letter and you found it, that means he did not give it to her.


It was printed and he kept a copy (he likes to type out letters) so I found it during our move. The letter was given to her but after thinking it through, she didn't take him back..


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Painful stuff, THIS.
> 
> What is more painful is HIM keeping those letters, and you finding them.
> Don't tell me he 'forgot' about them. That would then make three strikes against him.
> ...


Thank you for your words and empathizing. It was actually buried in stacks of paper in a closet. There was a lot of junk I threw out. He's good at many things but organizing/cleaning is not one of them. I don't think he meant to keep it - it sounds like I'm defending him but he really is messy haha


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

TJW said:


> This was HIS CHOICE..... even before you were in the picture.... that has to speak for something.
> 
> It makes perfect sense, and I'm fully aware of the emotions which can accompany those thoughts. I'm sorry you are enduring the pain of this.


I guess the problem is he did try to win her back in the end and he did propose to her too and said he realized he wanted to send the rest of his life with her. Thank you for your comment and not judging. God bless


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> Your husband chose you to go through life with and that means far, far, far more than any passionate _feelings_ he may have had for his ex.
> 
> And, yes, you ARE the love of your husband's life. He chose you to love for the rest of his life. That matters so much more than some passionate infatuation.


The part the bothers me is.. he did propose to her in the end and told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even though she was non-Christian which is so important to him, to his family. She just decided after some thought that it wasn't right so they never got back together/got married. 

Thank you - I appreciate your words and reminder. 

Yes, I have been praying and seeking God for wisdom, the ability to let go. I don't think the pregnancy hormones are helping me stay calm right now lol


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Maybe he had a more passionate relationship with her and more passionate feelings for the ex, but that's not what real love is all about. I'm guessing you're a Christian based on your post, so perhaps you understand that for followers of Christ, successful married love is about self-sacrifice, partnership and loving, respectful, thoughtful *behavior *rather than the ebbing/flowing/ever-changing *feelings* of passion. Your husband chose you to go through life with and that means far, far, far more than any passionate _feelings_ he may have had for his ex. Feelings change...and the longer you are together, the more changes you will experience, from disliking him intensely to feeling overwhelming passion for him, from periods of intense intimacy to periods of emotional isolation and disconnectedness.
> 
> If you are a Christian, I would implore you to take this matter to the Lord in prayer and ask him for wisdom, understanding, knowledge and guidance.
> 
> And, yes, you ARE the love of your husband's life. *He chose you to love for the rest of his life. * That matters so much more than some passionate infatuation.


Well said...
The Martian would never allow me, The Typist, to ratta-tap this out on TAM.
Your words ring true, and are so comforting. Hopefully, to OP, Oh, yes Ma'am.

The Martian is no Christian and he is no Christian Soldier....marching off to war.
He just does his job, to the best of his abilities, with the tools provided him at birth.

And that makes his ilk, dangerous, unless he is on your side.
Your side of the Great Wall.
Sitting on that Wall, with a bow, or a rifle, with a heart of stone. His eyes narrowed, glaring.
Glaring, staring at some enemy that only he can see. Only he can feel....off in the distance, daring.

Gawd, I miss SunCMars.

It is so lonely being a mere Typist, not the original Stead.
Being a Spock Puppet. And waiting.
Waiting for @EleGirl to come 'off' my virtual head.
Again.

Again, mind you. And I do mind.

Without the Typist, TAMMERS are lost.

No comfort this, that Ole' Elegirl can finally rest.
For the rest of her life. 
Her rid of SCM, an expunge of one very large pest.
............................................................................................

Love of his life?

Yes, he chose you.
He chose you to spend his remaining days...... with your mind-form, your heart, your bodice.

And this was not commanded.
It was presented to him by the Powers to Be.
And he accepted that charge and he forwarded it without amendment.
Without qualms.

The Qualms are coming from you. Some insecure, weak part of you, oozes out and clouds your happiness.

You want to be that lady in the letters, in the poems?
Then earn that place, work to that place, using love and loving actions.
Those words, if they never be written, will be felt; by his actions, his smile, his caresses...his words, uttered in quiet times.

Just Sayin'

With reckless abandon.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

taryn226 said:


> Thank you for your words and empathizing. It was actually buried in stacks of paper in a closet. There was a lot of junk I threw out. He's good at many things but organizing/cleaning is not one of them. I don't think he meant to keep it - it sounds like I'm defending him but he really is messy haha


Ah, messy.

My middle name.:smile2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think what's bothering op is the feeling that her hb made more effort for the ex, and that if he had the chance he might go back.

This is not so unlike the guys that come here after finding out his wife made more sexual effort for her ex, who she wanted to marry but he didn't want her.

I doubt he'd be told that she married him so that should be enough. 

You really need to talk to him. Tell him you looked at his stuff, and if he gets upset that will tell you something about his priorities. 

Seething in silence benefits no one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

taryn226 said:


> I think about a year.
> He's not the only person I dated. Two other long term relationships and dated quite a bit. He actually has dated much less than me..


Did you ever tell any of your other boyfriends that you loved them and/or that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He needs to explain why he's kept all of the correspondence all these years. Unless you moved into his home, he dragged all of that into your marital home. You can't blame it on messiness unless you're talking about the messiness of his mind. It's your home - you can't be accused of snooping in your own home.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

taryn226 said:


> The part the bothers me is.. he did propose to her in the end and told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even though she was non-Christian which is so important to him, to his family. She just decided after some thought that it wasn't right so they never got back together/got married.
> 
> Thank you - I appreciate your words and reminder.
> 
> Yes, I have been praying and seeking God for wisdom, the ability to let go. I don't think the pregnancy hormones are helping me stay calm right now lol


The Lord intervened, perhaps, and saved your husband from being unequally yoked. He will spend far more time, money and effort on you over the course of your marriage with far better results.

I can understand your hurt and I am sorry you're suffering right now. Know that the Lord has got all of this covered and you can trust Him to have done something wonderful in bringing the two of you together for life.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is not so unlike the guys that come here after finding out his wife made more sexual effort for her ex, who she wanted to marry but he didn't want her.
> 
> I doubt he'd be told that she married him so that should be enough.


I think that is a good parallel, and I'm surprised by your second sentence, because I had the impression that's _exactly _what they are usually told.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> I had the impression that's exactly what they are usually told.


Yes, they are. Especially by their wife.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

He was obviously very much in love with the other woman even wanting to spend his life with her despite the family and religious issues. He likely gave her his heart and and all he had to hive of himself to her and she took all his love and passion and gifts, and left him heart broken and a changed man.
Then he met you. You weren?t her, you are you. With the experience he had with her having changed him, the hurt he felt that he never wants to feel again, he will not give all of himself again. He married you, and he holds back what he freely gave another who did not give him her all like you do. 

Some might say, what do you care what he did with another woman before you, he married you so just be happy with what you have. Some might say, get over it since that was in the past before you. Of course both of those statements ignore the fact that he is a damaged man, hurt by the love of his life and no longer willing to give another woman his all and unable to feel the same as he did before his heart was shattered and the woman he loved more than anything left.

Good luck to you, he?s your hubby now all the brokenness included.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

From what I have read, the women that your husband was in love with, in the end, was not in love with him. This situation is certainly common. So you husband had his heart broken, this you know. 

I tell you, I had my heart broken as well as an 18 year old and to this day, when I remember back, I can feel the pain. But, it is just a memory and all it will ever be is a memory - because while that girl from long ago (35 years ago to be exact) is still alive on this planet - she is forever gone - she is completely different and so am I. I did love her - this I am sure - but thank God she did not love me as I would never have met my current wife who I have been married to for 29 years and with whom I have three wonderful children. I actually joined TAM because I wanted to learn about this type of thing - it bothered me that while I love my wife, I could remember and feel this original love for my first love. Through this place, I have come to the realization that it is just a memory and certainly not healthy one for me to dwell on - so I don't. The love I have today for my wife, is completely different than the my first love (a different feeling) - but actually much more deep.

Prior to marrying my current wife, this first love of mine - five years after the break-up contacted me - wanted to see me - so I did go see her - just prior to me proposing to my current wife - and the love that was there (from me to this first girl) was gone - no desire to take her into my arms at all - and I knew that if I lost my wife to be - I would be completely devastated - and that has not changed to this day. While I remember the love for this girl - even back then when I came face to face - she was not the same - so I did not desire her. The girl I desired (my first love) was gone even just five years after and is certainly gone forever.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> I think that is a good parallel, and I'm surprised by your second sentence, because I had the impression that's _exactly _what they are usually told.


He is if he's only retroactively jealous but is otherwise happy with his wife.

The responses are different if he's unhappy with his sex life and finds out his wife made more effort for the ex.

If she didn't feel like he made more effort for the ex and she was only upset that he had proposed to someone before her then it would be appropriate to point out that he married her.

I get the impression there's more to it.


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## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

Haven't read through all the responses yet, but you mentioned they fought a lot and she was controlling. This doesn't sound like a happy relationship, therefore I am betting he did all these cutesy, romantic things to try and her appease her and to improve their relationship. Sounds like he always felt the need to prove himself. And it sounds like your marriage is pretty solid and happy, therefore he doesn't feel the need to jump through hoops. He is happy and comfortable. Does that make sense? He doesn't love you any less.

And if it makes you feel any better, I'd be having the same thoughts as you. I am an anxious person, and my judgment is often clouded by the most irrational thoughts. It's hard not to worry. It helps to come on to boards like this, and to have other people outside of the relationship/situation bring you back down to reality.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

That's why you shouldn't go snooping in husbands things. Until you read the letters,etc (which you say happened before you met) every thing was OKIE DOKIE! 
Would you want him to find any of your old love letters... ??


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## taryn226 (Nov 10, 2017)

GeorgiaPeach915 said:


> And if it makes you feel any better, I'd be having the same thoughts as you. I am an anxious person, and my judgment is often clouded by the most irrational thoughts. It's hard not to worry. It helps to come on to boards like this, and to have other people outside of the relationship/situation bring you back down to reality.


Thanks so much for your helpful input and empathy! Your explanation on the grand gestures make sense  I am going to see a counselor to get over this. Pregnancy hormones are also not helping~


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Taryn,

Be glad that you found these letters they give you insight into who your H is, more data is better data, you have a reference point for how much passion your H is capable of. I don't know if it can be quantified but if you feel you are getting 20% of what the OW got you may need to probe deeper. 

Someone told me once about a Koren saying I've never been able to locate that , "a woman is a different woman for every man she is with" , and while it has never made me at ease with the level of passion my W had for OM1 and possibly OW1 it did help me to understand somehow. 

Perhaps read "fall in love stay in love" and "his needs her needs" by Dr Harley.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Taryn,

Also be glad that you know who this woman is as she will remain a threat to your marriage for a long time, it is almost a cliche that spouses go back to ex'es when the marriage is stressed, or the ex will contact your H when she has stresses in her life.

I hope your H has no connections with this woman she should not be on his facebook, linkedin, or whatever.

Tamat


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

taryn226 said:


> The part the bothers me is.. he did propose to her in the end and told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even though she was non-Christian which is so important to him, to his family. She just decided after some thought that it wasn't right so they never got back together/got married.
> 
> l


Another feeling you may be having is "Your the one he settled for, not the one he wanted". This is usually the other way around, man marries love of his life, only to find out that his wife was dating/engaged to some POS that used, abused & dumped her. Wife met future hubby who checked enough of the "ok" boxes, so she married him cuz the baby clock was tickin, even thou the hubby doesn't get her motor runnin the way the guy who dumped her did. 

To be honest I don't have a good solution to working thru that issue. Does he show you passion or is he more MEH when it comes to expressing desire towards you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

taryn226 said:


> The part the bothers me is.. he did propose to her in the end and told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Even though she was non-Christian which is so important to him, to his family. She just decided after some thought that it wasn't right so they never got back together/got married.
> 
> Thank you - I appreciate your words and reminder.
> 
> Yes, I have been praying and seeking God for wisdom, the ability to let go. I don't think the pregnancy hormones are helping me stay calm right now lol


OP I would like to point out to you that you have created a false premise in your mind. Yes he proposed to her, but presumably that was before he even knew you existed. So it wasn't that he chose to propose to this women first than picked you as a consolation prize. You need to stop this lie that your fear is playing on you. 

Look I think I am again in a good position to talk about this as I also proposed to a women before I met my wife. In my case she cheated on me so we didn't get married for obvious reasons. However lets say I didn't know that, or lets say she never did that, but you put her and my wife next to each other, her at the point of my proposal and my wife whom I have been married to for a decade plus. I would pick my wife hands down every time. Now everything about my relationship with my wife is not perfect and in fact there are a few things were that first women and I work better at but overall my wife is 100 percent a better wife and fit for me than the other person would ever be. This was barred out by the fact that she cheated but even before that it was true.

I submit to you that the same is true of your predecessor it's why they didn't make it. She didn't have the stuff in her to allow them to make it. You must stop trying to win a competition in a game you were not even there to compete in. It's unfair to your husband whom is the father of your children and yourself. This should be a happy time and you are letting it steal your joy and your confidence. Please fight against that. At the very least stop creating this false premise in you thinking.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think what's bothering op is the feeling that her hb made more effort for the ex, and that if he had the chance he might go back.
> 
> This is not so unlike the guys that come here after finding out his wife made more sexual effort for her ex, who she wanted to marry but he didn't want her.
> 
> ...


Yeah I mentioned this in my post to her. But like that guy some of that is up to her. If she wants passion she needs to work on that with him, just like those men need to work on creating passion with their wives. This kind of stuff isn't stagnate. Assuming there is true love there, which I think there is. Passion, sex life, money, career, all those thing can change with work. I always feel bad when people think they are stuck. They're not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Aspydad said:


> From what I have read, the women that your husband was in love with, in the end, was not in love with him. This situation is certainly common. So you husband had his heart broken, this you know.
> 
> I tell you, I had my heart broken as well as an 18 year old and to this day, when I remember back, I can feel the pain. But, it is just a memory and all it will ever be is a memory - because while that girl from long ago (35 years ago to be exact) is still alive on this planet - she is forever gone - she is completely different and so am I. I did love her - this I am sure - but thank God she did not love me as I would never have met my current wife who I have been married to for 29 years and with whom I have three wonderful children. I actually joined TAM because I wanted to learn about this type of thing - it bothered me that while I love my wife, I could remember and feel this original love for my first love. Through this place, I have come to the realization that it is just a memory and certainly not healthy one for me to dwell on - so I don't. The love I have today for my wife, is completely different than the my first love (a different feeling) - but actually much more deep.
> 
> Prior to marrying my current wife, this first love of mine - five years after the break-up contacted me - wanted to see me - so I did go see her - just prior to me proposing to my current wife - and the love that was there (from me to this first girl) was gone - no desire to take her into my arms at all - and I knew that if I lost my wife to be - I would be completely devastated - and that has not changed to this day. While I remember the love for this girl - even back then when I came face to face - she was not the same - so I did not desire her. The girl I desired (my first love) was gone even just five years after and is certainly gone forever.


I blame movies and media actually. Part of the intensity in my mind is your age. The lack of other things to compete for your attention for instance. Adult life doesn't leave a lot of room for infatuation.


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## Rapture Shadow (Nov 11, 2017)

taryn226 said:


> Hello, first time posting.. I have been married for almost a year. I am in my early 30s, husband is 40. We are are already expecting our first baby this winter. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I feel his ex (and first girlfriend who he was almost engaged to and only other serious relationship he's had besides me) was the love of his life. They were both 33 when they started dating and it lasted 2.5 years. I trust him and they haven't talked since before we got together so I am not worried about her being in his life. But I feel deep down that he will always love her more, that what they had was more passionate that what we have.
> 
> During our recent move, I found a letter he had written to her. They had talked about getting married but he had a lot of hesitation because she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose. Well, in the letter, he said here is a gift (custom engagement ring) no strings attached but that he knows now he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he will never love anyone more etc. That she can keep the ring (which was cost double what mine is btw) and he doesn't expect to hear from her - that he will take that as a sign she's found happiness which is good enough. I've also found poems he wrote to her, picture folders of her and a file folder dedicated to her on his old computer but he has never done that or had those things for me. He gifted her so many nice things but he never spent that much on me. Granted she picked those items out and I am not into brand name items.. I also found a video on his old laptop just kissing her for an extended time. I can't even remember the last time we just sat there and kissed.
> 
> All of those things with his ex happened before my husband and I met. I just feel so lost, heartbroken, insecure, guilty for digging through his stuff, and completely selfish for being sad when I should be elated for my baby that is on the way. I don't know how to resolve the issue.. I've talked to him but haven't gone into detail yet about the things I've found on his computer. He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier. Any advice will be appreciated.


Living with a person with a previous love life is like moving into a house after tenants have moved out. You do not expect it to immediately catch your scent and feel you touch or carry your fingerprints. Time alone doesn't do it either. It should be both time and consistency of your interactions with him that can overwrite shadows of the past.

Important to say that overwriting or deleting past romantic experiences of a new life partner is not an effort one must pursue. No matter how memories of that past can make us feel but it is a fact that the past of a partner is already a part of his personality that will remain there for a long time, if not forever. The hopeful part is that he has already chosen you to refill his heart and now you have all the time in the world to fill it with even greater love moments.


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## GeorgiaPeach915 (Nov 7, 2017)

taryn226 said:


> GeorgiaPeach915 said:
> 
> 
> > And if it makes you feel any better, I'd be having the same thoughts as you. I am an anxious person, and my judgment is often clouded by the most irrational thoughts. It's hard not to worry. It helps to come on to boards like this, and to have other people outside of the relationship/situation bring you back down to reality.
> ...


I am in counseling right now too, partly due to relationship anxiety! I so feel your pain, but talking through your feelings with a therapist makes all the difference! This too shall pass, just a bump in the road. Hang in there.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

What you really done is replayed his pass in your mind. It's like snooping in the past and make rash judgements. When I was in my early 30's buying expensive gifts and poems would be spot on at that age. now he is older early 40's with age comes wisdom, better character etc. So what do you do from here? move on that simple, let go. He married you not her he's older now so cheesy poems and impressive gifts are just that just a 30 something guy trying his best to make an impression.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There's love and there's practical love. 

My first and probably only love in the sense of a life partner type was 30 odd years ago. Only because we spent lots of time together and had so many things in common. And thought the same way. But it was not meant to be. She was a CSA survivor, but was not into much any intimacy. We both went our separate ways for grad school. I send her an email here and there. She never dated or married. 

I still think of her 30 odd years later. I married a completely different person and have two wonderful daughters. I doubt I will ever find someone like her tho. This is not a reflection of my wife () but rather the reality of matchmaking. 

Your husband may be reflecting on an ideation. Not reality.


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