# Why do I attract wrong men while married?



## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

My marriage is almost over. We grow apart, went through emotional & physical abuse, mutual disrespect, no real connection after all. 
Years later I made huge mistake in getting involved with my single coworker. He was hardly my prince charming but I was too vulnerable to see it. 
Then, all of the sudden, when I felt completely miserable for not talking to this man, another started chatting with me on FB. He was telling me how unlucky he is with girls and I told him I don’t see a reason for that since he is very handsome. After this moment, he did not care if I was married anymore. I wanted to make him feel better about himself while he talked about sex with me. I never did what he wanted and our talk ended.
A year after that, same scenario but other guy. I just don’t get why they pop up in worse time, when I feel so very low, desperate, lonely and miserable. 
I know, being stuck in my marriage is my problem, but how come they start talking to me? I don’t ever post anything what could lead them to me and knowing how I feel about my marriage or my husband.
This other online friend started very sweet. I thought what a lovely guy..do they even exist?
He would call me pet names from day one, asking how my day was, how much he misses me and thinks about me all the time. Then he would flirt with me more and more. Sent me sexy pics of him I did not ask for and kept asking for mine. 
I said NO and that’s not going to change. He said he would date me if I was single but still wants to see me soon. Just to see me. I did talk to him back and flirt, which was wrong . 
He never calls by my real name, when I want to talk about something deep not his dirty talk, he change the subject to something else. 
I feel like a fool for caring about him while he just plays with me. Recently, when I did not send him what he wanted, our talk is not that regular and if there is one, it is always same thing, same lines, nothing different. Always promises something he never does.
But what I don’t understand is, why do these types of men pop up in my life? Why is it always like that? Or are there only men like that? I don’t know, never dated one before my husband. Am I some kind of magnet for trouble? It is all wrong. How do I stop looking forward to conversation with him? How to break that need?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Who are these guys, and how do they get in touch with you? You need to figure out why you feel the need to chat with them right from the start. An easy guess is low self esteem, and they make you feel "special" and wanted. But since I don't know you from eve... You'll need to do your own digging into your thoughts. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I am not trying to be mean when I say this but there is nothing special about you that attracts these men. They are only talking to you because you let them take the conversation in a sexual direction, and also because you seem to welcome the attention. 

There are a lot of married women that get hit on by creeps. If you're not open to it and you shut it down it really isn't an issue. They slink away back into the darkness (sorry for the dramatics but you get the picture).

Speaking from experience creepy guys generally prefer easy targets. Stop opening yourself up to these bottom feeders and your issues with this should stop.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

That's the strange thing about fishing too. I can't figure out why I catch fish when I am just minding my own business.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep set your standards higher.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Have you ever posted that you are lonely, bored or just in a blah mood? That is a perfect opening for someone to try and cheer you up. Think about it.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

PBear said:


> Who are these guys, and how do they get in touch with you? You need to figure out why you feel the need to chat with them right from the start. An easy guess is low self esteem, and they make you feel "special" and wanted. But since I don't know you from eve... You'll need to do your own digging into your thoughts.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do I have a need to chat with them? I guess because they seem to give me what I miss in my own relationship - feeling wanted, special, etc. And yes, I do have low self esteem issues even though people tells me that I am pretty and have nothing to worry about. Those two guys very handsome.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> That's the strange thing about fishing too. I can't figure out why I catch fish when I am just minding my own business.


I understand what you are saying but I did not start conversations with them. I was friendly to them, yes, but I did not start dirty talk or anything. That guy actually freaked me out with his pics. But I stayed because he was sweet and I was naive.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Acoa said:


> Have you ever posted that you are lonely, bored or just in a blah mood? That is a perfect opening for someone to try and cheer you up. Think about it.


I don't post anything publicly about how I feel. But I am sure I mentioned my marriage and how lonely I am later on in private talk.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BridgetJones said:


> Why do I have a need to chat with them? I guess because they seem to give me what I miss in my own relationship - feeling wanted, special, etc. And yes, I do have low self esteem issues even though people tells me that I am pretty and have nothing to worry about. Those two guys very handsome.


Focus then on working on your self esteem issues. So you don't need to get built up by these guys, and are strong on your own. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I wanted to make him feel better about himself while he talked about sex with me.
> 
> I did talk to him back and flirt, which was wrong .


You encourage this behavior and then can't understand why they are this way?

You set yourself up to be preyed on. What did you think would happen when you told them you were lonely. A married, lonely woman to some men is like dangling a steak in front of a lion. Easy target. Easy lay.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

What a fool I am! This man I am talking to for a few months is deployed. When he started talk to me, it felt good and I told myself we give each other what we miss. I gave him my attention, he gave me his. I also felt bad for him being in his situation. Is it crazy? I kinda worried about him if he is ok. I got attached while for him I was just one of many, I assume. Always same lines, same questions, same compliments. I don't understand people who can say I miss you, I think about you all the time .. if it's not true and will tell you sweet nothings to get laid. Sorry, can't get that. Also, I never slept with anyone but my husband, so I don't think he would get into my panties that easily if ever.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> What a fool I am! This man I am talking to for a few months is deployed. When he started talk to me, it felt good and I told myself we give each other what we miss. I gave him my attention, he gave me his. I also felt bad for him being in his situation. Is it crazy? I kinda worried about him if he is ok. I got attached while for him I was just one of many, I assume. Always same lines, same questions, same compliments. *I don't understand people who can say I miss you, I think about you all the time .. if it's not true and will tell you sweet nothings to get laid.* Sorry, can't get that. Also, I never slept with anyone but my husband, so I don't think he would get into my panties that easily if ever.


LOL.

Men in prison do this all the time. They even write long flowery letters to women that give them the attention.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Why do I have a need to chat with them? I guess because they seem to give me what I miss in my own relationship - feeling wanted, special, etc. And yes, I do have low self esteem issues even though people tells me that I am pretty and have nothing to worry about. Those two guys very handsome.


*You are a vulnerable weak woman and there will always be the men talkers that will give you bait*. You ever think about making those men prove with actions that they really care about you? When those men have supported you for years and put up with your baggage then see if their words are the same. 

If you asked those men to do one thing that would prove that they really care for you, I would not be surprised if they disappeared and you never hear from hem again.. You have a choice, you can play around with these talkers until you give in to them or you can get help with your self esteem. There are a lot of stories on this forum about women and men that say they have self-esteem issues, do nothing about it and then when they fall they come here crying about how bad their life becomes after falling.

You state “Those two guys very handsome.” Does that give you reinforcement that you are desirable and valuable? After all, handsome men go after the prettiest women right? That logic may boost your self esteem for a day or two but it will never be enough. *Your worth is not dependant on handsome men it comes from within you. GET HELP!*


*You have a choice; you can get better or you can do nothing about your low self esteem until you fall; then you will start crying on everyone's sholder tellig them how rough lif eis treating you.*


Blunt


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BridgetJones said:


> I don't post anything publicly about how I feel. *But I am sure I mentioned my marriage and how lonely I am later on in private talk.*


Not bashing you but this is a green light to a guy.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Maybe take all this time and energy and save your marriage? Maybe all your troubles about attracting the wrong men can be solved by focusing on your marriage and the need to get attention from men will no longer be important. IC can help you too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

mr blunt said:


> *you are a vulnerable weak woman and there will always be the men talkers that will give you bait*. You ever think about making those men prove with actions that they really care about you? When those men have supported you for years and put up with your baggage then see if their words are the same.
> 
> If you asked those men to do one thing that would prove that they really care for you, i would not be surprised if they disappeared and you never hear from hem again.. You have a choice, you can play around with these talkers until you give in to them or you can get help with your self esteem. There are a lot of stories on this forum about women and men that say they have self-esteem issues, do nothing about it and then when they fall they come here crying about how bad their life becomes after falling.
> 
> ...


yes, i do need help! I am tired of crying out loud. It is hard to see how bad you are if you go through emotional abuse without actually knowing you were abused for years, but that's another story. I have to also work on my naivety. 
Btw, by saying they are handsome, i did not apply to anything like they would go after pretty girls only. I was actually surprised they liked me due to my low self-esteem, self worth. 
Anyway, you are right! Thank you.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

BridgetJones said:


> Why do I have a need to chat with them? I guess because they seem to give me what I miss in my own relationship - feeling wanted, special, etc. And yes, I do have low self esteem issues even though people tells me that I am pretty and have nothing to worry about. *Those two guys very handsome*.


And they know it, for instance:



> He was telling me how unlucky he is with girls and I told him I don’t see a reason for that since he is very handsome.


Dollar to donuts this is a line he uses on all the girls. You are probably one of many that these guys are hitting on. These are "players" and they know exactly what to say to get women to chase them. 

You are setting yourself to be used. You should feel good that they think you are hot enough to hit on BUT know once they get what they want you'd be yesterday's news. 

Chasing external validation always ends badly. Talking to these guys is not a path you want to take.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BridgetJones said:


> I understand what you are saying but I did not start conversations with them. I was friendly to them, yes, but I did not start dirty talk or anything. That guy actually freaked me out with his pics. But I stayed because he was sweet and I was naive.


Nothing naïve about getting dirty pics and sticking around when you claim to want "a sweet guy" 
what you crave is the attention. getting it in any form is what you live for and because this is what they have to offer you keep them around. You keep looking for sweet but are very receptive to anything that comes along and gives you attention. This lack of a filtering process causes you to be around the wrong men. Also most good, nice guys out there are not interested in finding a woman that is being flirty with guys we know are sleazy and this will also add to you not being approached by the good ones. Just an opinion as I do not know you but from what you write , this is what I hear.
What you need to remember is you are worth it as a person to have the type of guy that respects you, and loves you for the catch you are. As soon as your gut tells you, they are more interested in getting laid then getting to know you, you need to move on from them and not allow them to talk you back into trying again. I wish you luck. You deserve better, but it is up to you to demand better.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

BridgetJones said:


> I understand what you are saying but I did not start conversations with them. I was friendly to them, yes, but I did not start dirty talk or anything. That guy actually freaked me out with his pics. But I stayed because he was sweet and I was naive.


Same here. It just freaks me out when those girls at the strip club take their clothes off. 

I've always liked girls who were exceptionally smart. No matter how hard I look in these strip clubs, I can't seem to find the girl with the medical or law degree that I am looking for.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Originally Posted by mr blunt [/B
you are a vulnerable weak woman and there will always be the men talkers that will give you bait. You ever think about making those men prove with actions that they really care about you? When those men have supported you for years and put up with your baggage then see if their words are the same. 

If you asked those men to do one thing that would prove that they really care for you, i would not be surprised if they disappeared and you never hear from hem again.. You have a choice, you can play around with these talkers until you give in to them or you can get help with your self esteem. There are a lot of stories on this forum about women and men that say they have self-esteem issues, do nothing about it and then when they fall they come here crying about how bad their life becomes after falling.

You state “those two guys very handsome.” does that give you reinforcement that you are desirable and valuable? After all, handsome men go after the prettiest women right? That logic may boost your self esteem for a day or two but it will never be enough. your worth is not dependant on handsome men it comes from within you. Get help!

you have a choice; you can get better or you can do nothing about your low self esteem until you fall; then you will start crying on everyone's sholder tellig them how rough life is treating you.
blunt



Reply by Bridget
yes, i do need help! I am tired of crying out loud. It is hard to see how bad you are if you go through emotional abuse without actually knowing you were abused for years, but that's another story. I have to also work on my naivety. 
Btw, by saying they are handsome, i did not apply to anything like they would go after pretty girls only. I was actually surprised they liked me due to my low self-esteem, self worth. 
Anyway, you are right! Thank you.




Bridget
You are not “bad” you are vulnerable due to emotional abuse.You took my blunt truth and thanked me for it and that is impressive! Some want to rationalize and defend but you accepted the truth like a mature person. Not only did you admit your vulnerability but you also pointed out your naivety.

You know exactly what your condition is and so then the critical action you need to take now is to get the right help. If you do not get the right help all the knowledge and wisdom that you have will do you no good because you will eventually fall. I think that you have a very good chance of getting a lot better. You know exactly what you need to do so now you need to do it!

When you find out your worth is within you then you will not be vulnerable to the talkers. People that are confident about their self worth will be realized by others and they will be drawn to you. You will no longer accept emotional abuse and disrespect

Blunt*


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

You are being a player but are being played yourself! You ARE still married no?

I feel for you but you are being sucked into a dangerous tornado that you seem to not be able to handle. These guys know your situation and will take advantage of you sexually,emotionally etc. I'd recommend you cut off all social media communication since this is where your temptation lies. Go for some counselling and build yourself backup. Perhaps go to the gym and get some dopamine flowing in you.

Question - how did you meet these men? Are they people you already know or are they total strangers?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well for one thing if men are trying to get in your pants and they know you're married they're most likely not decent guys to begin with. That should be obvious. Also you'd probably attract these same men whether you're married or not. The problem is they show you some superficial attention, tell you what you want to hear, and you repeatedly fall for it. They can probably tell you have low self-esteem/insecurity issues and know exactly how to take advantage of that. You basically keep getting played and I'm not trying to be harsh but that's more on you than them.

I have women who are attracted to me who I know are the "wrong women". The thing is, I don't give them the time of day. And them flirting with me, telling mutual friends how they want to **** me or how cute I am doesn't change that in the slightest. I also like to think I have a healthy dose of self-esteem, which you admit yourself you do not. While flattery, compliments, and flirtatious attention can be nice, I recognize them for what they are. Superficial gestures that in the grand scheme of things don't really amount to much more than a temporary ego/self-esteem boost.

Maybe you need to focus on getting out of your marriage, seeing a therapist, working on your self-esteem, and take a break from men/dating/relationships for awhile.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Most single men are not looking for a married woman to rescue. These men may not even be single themselves! My advice is to throw your computer out the window, then run it over, just to be sure.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

scatty said:


> Most single men are not looking for a married woman to rescue. These men may not even be single themselves! My advice is to throw your computer out the window, then run it over, just to be sure.


:iagree:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP,
We are all adults here.
You need to take responsibility for yourself and your actions.


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## BridgetJones (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you for all your advices. I am trying to do my best not to talk to him and give myself positive talk how this does no good in general. It is hard though, especially when I feel lonely. But I won't give up.


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