# new here and stuggling



## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

i will try to keep this short but the jist of my story is this...ive been married for 14yrs and seperated for almost a year. our marriage has been rocky since the start and i find him to be a very insecure, controlling, manipulative, angry person with several substance abuse problems. we had four beautiful children during our marriage, all of whom i love very much and were the reason i stayed as long as i did.
we have seperated 3 times in the last 5 yrs and the last time was it, although the other times were more justified because i found out that he had passed out drunk while caring for our yound children, the second time because i honestly felt like i hated him and had so much built up resentment, and the final time because i could find nowhere in my heart for him anymore. not once since the final seperation have i missed him and the way he guilts and shames me.
if only life were that easy to change and find happiness, at every turn i find him fighting me with the lawyers over petty stuff and i feel like this will never end. we are battling over location and custody of the children and the whole process has drained me both emotionally but physically. i had an intense rebound through all of this but that also has failed since for many reasons. he was the only part that gave me happiness lately besides my children whom i have to share but hate it. every minute im away from them causes me great anxiety and guilt over what ive done to the family. i just cant love this man, i dont even think i like him, in my opinion and for several reasons i wont get into i dont think he is a good person deep down. 
so my dilemna is that i am now forced to reside in a location deemed best for the children and have had to lean on family, thism means i am now living with my sister and her family and we shall see where it goes...finances are a mess and this small town has virtually no rentals available. i dont want to stay here but i am forced to, i just want my own place and to move on but he continuously drains me of all resources with the games he seems to need to play. 
and now that the rebound has failed, which i kinda always knew it would, i miss it more than my marriage. i felt emotions i have not experienced in years and it became like a drug. he was harder to get over than my husband, whom i have not missed one second of one day. i know my decision was right but i did not expect this much hardship and stress going through the process.
i feel like i have half a life and i live like a gypsy, so unsettling for me. i hope the kids make it through this but we have moved twice in two months and they are confused as to what to expect in the future, i have no answers as i await a final decision on these matters.
thanks for listening and all replys are welcome-both good and bad


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Wow, I am so sorry for what you are going through and have been going through. You sound like a strong person who will get through this. I just wanted to let you know I had read you story and wish you well and believe you will persevere. 

One thing I have learned recently is that leaning on family is not a bad thing and will, hopefully, bring you closer to them.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

What you're talking about here is very VERY common for people newly divorced and going through divorce. Nobody tells you about the loneliness and guilt that usually accompanies divorce. Just remember, that what you're feeling is normal. It doesn't help get over it but it helps you feel less alone. 

A lot of people talk about needing another relationship to get over the one they were just in. THIS IS THE WORST thing you can do for yourself. Being single isn't a curse. Use the time to focus on you. Try new things, go new places, meet new people. I wrote an article about what to do now that you're newly single that gets into more detail about what you can do get in touch with yourself and work on yourself. 

Lastly, about his games he plays during the divorce. Don't get pulled into his games. He is using them to be controlling the same as he was when you were married. Find a good lawyer who understands that when you have kids, divorce is not the end of your relationship. Find one who will help you go through the divorce process without putting your kids in the middle of it just to win the divorce -it sounds like that's what his lawyer is doing, which you can use against him if your lawyer will pursue it. I wrote an article about all this, too here: (I wrote another article about that here)  

Hope this is helpful. Write back with anything new.


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

thanks for the responses and the advice, i have been disappointed with my lawyer through this whole process and i never thought about pursuing that course of action ie. his use of the kids to control me might actually backfire on him. All i want is for them to be well adjusted and happy, my little girls miss me the most and it breaks my heart that he keeps them away from me just to spite me, there have been times when it was his day with the kids but he had to work and instead of letting them come to me he sent them to his sisters house and threatened not letting me have any extra time if i kept complaining about it. right now everything is split but since he chooses not to work full time (he has worked weekends for the last 7 yrs) which has caused many fights, and when he is working i said i should have first option to watch the children on his scheduled weekends. to him its all about time away from me so everything looks even on paper because god forbid he would have to support himself and possibly pay a little child support.


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