# Why is he doing this?



## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

My dh has been doing something really weird for the last couple of months. If we are watching tv and he sees a really attractive girl on there, he will say "wow she looks really good" and then he'll turn to me and ask me if she looks good and I will say yes. He will then ask all over again to which I reply the same. He will do this about 4 times all while smirking and looking really hard at me. Also, we were talking about being tested in relationships on yesterday and he was bold enough to tell me about a time where he picked a girl up and she got naked in his truck. Mind you, I don't believe any man in his right mind would have told that story to his wife. He says he didn't do anything with her,but he knew it was a test. I remained neutral. I listened and went on like normal. When I didn't react to that story he told me another one of running into some woman he used to like a long time ago and wanting to intimate with her,but not doing so. Again, I listened no reaction.
I know that deep down my husband does not want me to react the way I would have reacted had I been the person I was was 5 years ago. We would have ended up arguing all night. I would think that he would be happy that he can say this stuff to me and I not go bonkers but I keep feeling like he is really pressing for something. I don't feel jealous anymore like I used to when I hear this kind of stuff. Oddly, he seems irritated by my lack of response. This has become an almost everyday thing and it's starting to annoy me. Truth be told, I don't feel like I need to know some of this stuff now. If he never told me before when it mattered why now. I also don't feel like he has to get my approval of every female he finds attractive. Why can't he just be happy that it's fine with me if he looks? I don't get it.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Sounds like he is trying to feed you hints for some reason or the other...


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Hope4thebest said:


> Sounds like he is trying to feed you hints for some reason or the other...


Yea, but hints about what? About me (not attractive enough), or him (cheating). I'm confused:scratchhead:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I also think he's hinting at something. Your lack of reaction probably *is* getting to him because he's hoping to open a doorway to letting you know about something he'd like to see happen with you. It sounds to me like he's wanting to spice up your sex life and is trying to feel you out about it. 

My first guess (and it *is* just a guess) is that now that you don't have intense, jealous reactions, he's hoping to be able to tell you more about his fantasies and see if they might be possible. For instance, many men have a fantasy about having two women at once, which would be consistent with him repeatedly asking you how a woman on TV looks.


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

No good way of asking so I put it out there.. Have you recently gained weight? Do you still keep your appearance as you have in the past??


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## Hope4thebest (Nov 28, 2012)

Also think K's guess could be spot on as well...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Another idea... MAYBE things are becoming complacent. If in the past you got all mean and jealous... MAYBE it made him feel very desired. MAYBE he is just looking for a reaction that lets him know that you desire him. Maybe he WANTS you to get a little upset about all his talk about women. 

I'm not a jealous type. But...I do want my H to really feel wanted and desired. So when these kind of conversations come up, my standard line is "Do I need to take a tire iron to her?"  I am the last person to threaten violence, so it's a joke of course...but it works.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yes, I've made some of those douche bag moves in the past. Like when my wife cut her hair short, so I commented on how hot every woman I saw with long hair was, and how butch every woman I saw with short hair was. It was a crappy way of telling her she was less attractive to me. At that point in our marriage she was hardly allowing any sex anyway, so I felt like I had nothing to lose.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Hope4thebest said:


> No good way of asking so I put it out there.. Have you recently gained weight? Do you still keep your appearance as you have in the past??



Well unfortunately I have had kids and do not look like I used to with my clothes off.I do look the same with my clothes on . I'm one of those lucky ones that drops weight immediately after birth, but that's it the other stuff stays. Regardless, of why he does this, he would think I was being extremely disrespectful if I was doing this to him.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yes, I've made some of those douche bag moves in the past. Like when my wife cut her hair short, so I commented on how hot every woman I saw with long hair was, and how butch every woman I saw with short hair was. It was a crappy way of telling her she was less attractive to me. At that point in our marriage she was hardly allowing any sex anyway, so I felt like I had nothing to lose.


I'm not really allowing sex alot either ,but I feel it's his fault. You can't keep pointing out to your wife that she doesn't measure up and expect her to feel safe being in a intimate position with you. Before our marriage went practically sexless over the course of the last few months I have become really insecure. I don't show this. I got scared to remove my clothing, I just couldn't do it anymore I would be on the brink of tears every time cause I would keep wondering what he thought about me so now we aren't having sex anymore. What I look like now is the result of nature, it was not something I could control. I'm never going to look how I did back then and I know my husband is a man and needs to be able to see beautiful things so I don't get angry if he looks, but the need to rub it in my face all the time is heartless. If he thought about it he would understand that is how we got to where we are now. The worst part about all of this is the stories he told me happened during our marriage at a time when I knew things were going on and couldn't prove it.We argued alot then and he told me I was crazy. Now 4 years later he feels the need to share this stuff with me. I'm like "for what"?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So this is about a whole lot more than just him doing something weird when women come on TV. 

You don't give enough details for me to understand if this is abusive behavior on his part or if you're overly sensitive, though it's hinting at abusiveness. 

In any case, though, YOU set the standard for how you are treated. If you want to be treated as a beautiful woman, behave the way a beautiful woman behaves. I'm a bit overweight and I feel very self-conscious about it, but there's no way in hell I want my guy to see that insecurity. I'll make it a point to say something like, "UGH! I don't want this gut hanging out over my waistline in these pants!" and then strip off the pants and go naked in front of him, maybe ask him if he wants to play. 

By acting like it's just a minor annoyance, it becomes nothing more than a minor annoyance. In fact, his response is usually to perk up (SEX??!!!) and to notice my offer instead of my belly. He's always telling me I'm sexy/beautiful even though I know just how many women out there have shapelier bodies than I do. It's not because of how we look sometimes, but about our attitudes. Convince yourself that you are beautiful and confident, and nothing your husband says can change it.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Whatever he is trying to communicate to you he is doing it in a very juvenile and unclear manner. If his intention is to hurt you then it seems he is good at it.

My ex used to do/say the same type of things to me. I completely lost interest in him and that's one of the reasons that he is my ex.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, which statement is correct: 1) You cut way down on sex due to your insecurities, and your husband is going out of his way to get a rise out of you by saying how attractive all these other women are OR 2) Your husband is raving about how beautiful other women are and as a result you feel insecure about your body and cut way back on sex.

Depending on which part is the cause and which part is the effect will determine what I think your husband may be thinking.


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## phlliphethe (Dec 25, 2012)

It sounds to me like he's wanting to spice up your sex life and is trying to feel you out about it.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Try having more frequent sex with your husband and see if the behavior changes. You said you've not been having sex much with him and now you wonder why he is acting weird? The best way to make yourself attractive to your husband is a willingness to have sex with him.

It's awful when spouse deny intimacy. It makes the other feel unwanted.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Maybe testing the waters for a "swinging" marriage? Open-sex marriage?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It's just a guess on my part, but it appears that the OP dialed back the sex with her husband due to feeling inadequate because her body is not to its pre-pregnancy look. She most likely shared this reason with the husband, and he's using this as a way to get back at her because she is refusing sex in most cases. I'd really be surprised if the husband is looking for a threesome or an open marriage. It sounds like "revenge" to me...


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, which statement is correct: 1) You cut way down on sex due to your insecurities, and your husband is going out of his way to get a rise out of you by saying how attractive all these other women are OR 2) Your husband is raving about how beautiful other women are and as a result you feel insecure about your body and cut way back on sex.
> 
> Depending on which part is the cause and which part is the effect will determine what I think your husband may be thinking.


Number 2 is what happened. I never had a problem with him looking and admiring before and we were still having sex then, but like I said over the last 6 months he has went overboard with it. So now, I just have a hard to time being intimate with him cause I'm not sure what he thinks about me. I was never really insecure in our marriage until recently and its only a result of this stupid mind game he is playing.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

He needs to communicate to you why he is doing this. If he doesn't, it will drive you crazy for a while but eventually you will probably get to the point where you don't care anymore and/or you tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

2) Your husband is raving about how beautiful other women are and as a result you feel insecure about your body and cut way back on sex.

OP, you're right...it is a mind game and a hurtful one at that. I'm sorry to hear this for you. My ex did this to me as well, even went as far as pointing out publicly in front of friends, etc. who he'd rather have than me..... Crap like that hurts to the core!! Makes you feel worthless and useless. My ex thought criticizing me would get me to change into the porn star he was looking for; what it got him was divorced!! 

Until your H figures out that sex with you involves the very emotions he's stomping into the ground I don't see it getting better anytime soon. Have you considered MC? Maybe hearing how his abusive behavior is contributing to the lack of sex in your marriage from an objective third party will help him see the damage he's doing.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I think KathyB & SunnyT have covered BOTH of the scenarios that come to mind for me.

I'm an old lady who's been around a while - I'd bet money on either one of these.


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