# My husband and I are like roommates



## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

I got married a year ago and it was my second marriage. Three months into the marriage I made a post at this forum about how my husband was disappointed in me - he had thought I was a more mature person, that I was indisciplined, and most importantly he was very disappointed after I quit my job. The sex had stopped at that time and most of you suggested that he had signed out of the marriage and that I should leave him. Thank God I didn't take your suggestions. He suddenly turned into this really sweet thing. I also tried to change myself to the best of my ability. Unfortunately in the process I am no longer attracted to him. I doubt if I love him anymore like I used to. And nothing interests me anymore. After I quit my job I thought I would take an extended break from work and pursue my hobbies and passions and they kept me busy all day. But alas! They don't interest me anymore. Nothing interests me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with him. He is like my best friend and we can laugh and joke for hours. He has been the sweetest person all of a sudden and he tries to please me and never says no to anything I ask for. Although he doesn't seem very interested in sex either anymore. He thanks me saying that he has been a porn and masturbation addict and that I changed it. He said he had a different idea about sex and used to have sex for all the wrong reasons. And he said something about being in love now and his loss in libido as a result and some other stuff that was beyond my understanding. I actually didn't pay much attention. But some things about how he manages his finances bothers me but I don't interfere. He doesn't budge about certain things and I have accepted it. I also have to pay my chauffeur from the earnings I get from my real estate, although his office provides him a car, I know that he wants me to keep my chauffeur too. He has a point, we would not be able to buy a car again. So I am left with very little cash and I cannot buy anything for myself. So now I am bored, in need of cash and desperately looking for a job. I have had a very bad interview today which is why I am especially upset and making this unnecessary post and being unnecessarily unhappy. Why did I get married? We were good friends and we could have just been flat mates. Right now he has turned on the air-conditioning and the room is so cold that I am sleeping in the next room. And I am reflecting on all the things missing in our marriage - I am a tech person and he doesn't know how to download and install a software so I cannot exchange ideas about our work, we don't have the same taste in movies, music, sports, TV shows - anything! There was a time when I used to insist that we watch a movie together but I don't do that anymore. What else? The last time we went on vacation was on our honeymoon and that was funded by relatives. I can't help recalling how my ex and I had so much in common, he was also a tech genius, we were both indisciplined, we talked for hours, went on vacations, watched movies together, listened to music for hours, he would surprise me every now and then, I could yell at him and at least he pretended that when I was away he got very bored. And he definitely understood me better. I managed the finances. I could ***** about his family without fear like he used to ***** about mine. At the end of the day we knew that our intentions were not bad and I cared about his family just as much. We even shared common hatred. Believe it or not we even played hide and seek. We both used to baby talk. The reason I left him was he too stopped having sex with me. The problem I am sure is with me, but why did I leave my ex? Why didn't I accept it when my ex stopped having sex with me? Why wasn't I more patient and nice with him? Why wasn't I more diplomatic? Why wasn't I less imposing? I don't think I am making any sense. I can understand I am all over the place. Sometimes I feel like I am at an asylum having to follow strict regime. And why am I always trying so hard to impress him? Trust me, I am living a very comfortable life. You know what they say about an idle brain. I just wanted to get it out.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

immatureWife said:


> I don't think I am making any sense.


I have read your post for the 3rd time and I have no idea what your questions are to us.

Could you please choose the ONE most important "positive" and the ONE most important "negative" in your marriage and tell us what those are.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How about get a job and live like an adult. I know what they say about idle minds, but do you really.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Wow!! I think she's just venting. I don't think shes looking for an answer. I think she has the answer, she just doesn't want to see it right now. 
I can tell you, you need to mature a little more. I think you want more a man but he's more passive. Seems you also start reminiscing about your ex because you guys had so much in "common". Well if you had so much in common and things could have worked out then maybe you should have stayed with your ex, but he's your ex for a reason, and that's something maybe you should think about. The man is trying to show love in his own way and you are sounding like somewhat of a spoiled brat. He wouldn't give you any so you divorced him. You are definitely right about one thing, you are the problem. Fix yourself and if he's your bestie then find things in common, can't be a best friend to someone who has nothing in common with the other. 
I'm a car guy, i tend to gravitate toward car girls. I'm on my second marriage and my wife now likes car shows and cars as well, not to the extent I do but we find other stuff to talk about sometimes. 
Marriage is difficult, if it was easy, everyone would do it lol. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

TJW said:


> I have read your post for the 3rd time and I have no idea what your questions are to us.
> 
> Could you please choose the ONE most important "positive" and the ONE most important "negative" in your marriage and tell us what those are.


Even I don't know what my problem is. I wrote down whatever came to my mind and I am very confused myself. I was hoping you could tell me what my problem is, and if there actually is any problem. 

Additional Info:

When he kisses me while I do kiss him back I keep waiting for it to end. In the beginning, after the marriage, we used to have lots of sex and when it stopped I was very angry.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

sokillme said:


> How about get a job and live like an adult. I know what they say about idle minds, but do you really.


Please find me a job! I spoke with my my ex supervisor (Head of IT in the largest NGO in the world) to feel better. He always praised my work, and in a five minute conversation I started feeling much better. He told me how the interviewers' questions were totally inappropriate, my answers were fine and that the organization that I interviewed for wasn't good enough for me. He also asked me to send an updated resume because they are planning on hiring for many positions soon.

I went and sat beside my husband, very happy and excited, and he tells me not to get my hopes up too high. He said my supervisor probably asked for my resume out of courtesy. In 10 seconds I went back to feeling very very depressed again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This sorta rings a bell for me. It might help if you just kept posting in your original thread, then people would have more information.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Jamie296 said:


> Wow!! I think she's just venting. I don't think shes looking for an answer. I think she has the answer, she just doesn't want to see it right now.
> I can tell you, you need to mature a little more. I think you want more a man but he's more passive. Seems you also start reminiscing about your ex because you guys had so much in "common". Well if you had so much in common and things could have worked out then maybe you should have stayed with your ex, but he's your ex for a reason, and that's something maybe you should think about. The man is trying to show love in his own way and you are sounding like somewhat of a spoiled brat. He wouldn't give you any so you divorced him. You are definitely right about one thing, you are the problem. Fix yourself and if he's your bestie then find things in common, can't be a best friend to someone who has nothing in common with the other.
> I'm a car guy, i tend to gravitate toward car girls. I'm on my second marriage and my wife now likes car shows and cars as well, not to the extent I do but we find other stuff to talk about sometimes.
> Marriage is difficult, if it was easy, everyone would do it lol.
> ...


I have always been a spoiled brat. When I was a kid, my father used to beat the crap out of us, sometimes he kicked my mother in the eye and she needed stitches. And he used to throw us out of the house at 3 in the morning and we had no place to go. My father was an ambassador of the ministry of foreign affairs, so we often found ourselves sleeping comfortably in luxury one minute, and in the open streets the next. Despite that I managed to be a spoiled brat and I was told so repeatedly by EVERY member of my family. It was much better when my parents got divorced, before I couldn't sleep at night in fear that my dad might kill my mother. After the divorce, my mom provided for me, educated me, but she threw away all her property in a business venture. After I graduated, I had to work hard- pay the rent, pay the bills, pay for my mother's treatment while my sibling who stays in London didn't help with a penny. Living with my mother was tough - in the beginning she wouldn't allow me to live with my husband. She would emotionally blackmail me, sometimes lock me up, and when I finally walked out she cursed me, she said that God will see to it that my marriage would not work out. After my divorce I started living with her again which was like torture (in my country a single woman wont even find a house for rent - living alone is just not possible). I got in touch with my father after a long time, and suddenly I was blessed with two apartments. But my mother went through a critical heart surgery, I often had to rush her to the hospital, I had to take care of her, and I still worked because bills had to be paid and a car had to be maintained upon my mother's insistence. While my sister has been living in London for the past 15+ years, owns two houses in London, a sports car, but never considers taking my mom to visit her in London. And all this time, the label has been there "spoiled brat and now she is sending her mother to the grave". So now after I moved in with my present husband, my mother refuses to leave my large apartment and move to a smaller accommodation. I could have used the cash if I could rent out my apartment. I quit my job after marriage, wanted to take a break, so see how I manage to continue to be a spoiled brat? It's built in, like some hardware, and I doubt I'll change. Sorry for the post, can't post it on Facebook and needed to vent.

Right now I feel I am a good-for-nothing, worthless spoiled brat and I really deserve to be thrown in a thrash can. Trust me when I say I am not being sarcastic. I really often feel this way. I really really want to end it all.. I don't want to continue. I can't take the pressure. I can't live up to peoples' expectations. I won't end my life, God will not forgive me, but I hope somebody would end it for me. I should see a therapist right? Already spent a fortune on therapists. Didn't help.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So you received advice from here to leave him after he'd checked out, you ignored it, you said you were glad you ignored it because he turned sweeter, then after he became sweeter you lost love and attraction for him.

It makes perfect sense.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> Even I don't know what my problem is. I wrote down whatever came to my mind and I am very confused myself. I was hoping you could tell me what my problem is, and if there actually is any problem.
> 
> Additional Info:
> 
> When he kisses me while I do kiss him back I keep waiting for it to end. In the beginning, after the marriage, we used to have lots of sex and when it stopped I was very angry.


He saw:

Your lips were pressed against his.
Your mind was hard pressed to join in.

His lips, while pressed against your, hid his probing tongue.
It did not lick your tonsils, Nay, it reads braile, it lollyed
over the cracks. fissures and crevices in your mind. It saw
your true love. It saw your ex husband.

He turned to porn. 
Turning to porn, he got the same feelings. 
Those feelings from you. He was on the outside looking in.

You coaxed him from porn. But have not put him on the 
inside looking out.

Seriously, consider a divorce.

This marriage seem a re-bound for Thee. Re-tied with a man fit for a Queen.
Not fit for a Princess. Who feels a pea under her mattress, but not a twit for
one outside your skin.

Please do not look down and see a cut.
I am not cutting, I am sewing a woeful pattern into a new pattern, one to your liking.

Find that man whom you are compatible.
Find him with a jar of chemicals that you together...can both imbibe.
And enjoy together. 
Joining the Flesh is not joining that Long Joyful Journey, that you hear so oft.
A tail wagging journey, til Death do you Part.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Do you feel OP, like you haven't healed from your childhood? Childhood wounds when we don't really deal with them, just keep us stuck. Mine kept me stuck, and then my dad and I became close like two years ago, after he apologized for his wrongs. I didn't realize how much all of that pain with him held me down in other areas of my life, but that could be for you, too. Just something to think over.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> So you received advice from here to leave him after he'd checked out, you ignored it, you said you were glad you ignored it because he turned sweeter, then after he became sweeter you lost love and attraction for him.
> 
> It makes perfect sense.


Only to us.

My turn has been plundered.
Plundered by wit and a snit.

Give it your' best, Dear!

That *push-pull *Yo-Yo...

YoYo Ma....bless me with your musical chords, 
Lay out the lined sheets, Satya, cliffs, clefs, trebles replete.
I turned on the Metronome...it is now ticking.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Livvie said:


> This sorta rings a bell for me. It might help if you just kept posting in your original thread, then people would have more information.


Original post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/376041-husband-disappointed-me.html


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> He saw:
> 
> Your lips were pressed against his.
> Your mind was hard pressed to join in.


It was once the other way



SunCMars said:


> He turned to porn.


Lol no. He was a porn and masturbation addict before we got married. I rather encourage him to watch porn and masturbate because I believe I am not being able to satisfy him sexually. Although, however, I spoke to his ex once and she claims that he is impotent. He can only perform when he takes viagra. He also implies from time to time that he has some problems and he'll see a doctor. Who knows. Who cares. 



SunCMars said:


> Find that man whom you are compatible.


Haha seriously who'll marry me? And he won't divorce me, I even requested him to, and my family will not allow me to divorce him. And honestly speaking when I leave him I do feel very lonely and I do miss him a lot. I think I do love him.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Satya said:


> So you received advice from here to leave him after he'd checked out, you ignored it, you said you were glad you ignored it because he turned sweeter, then after he became sweeter you lost love and attraction for him.
> 
> It makes perfect sense.


I know. Doesn't make any sense at all. Perhaps because I had to change myself for him to become sweeter? And I guess some of the hurt is still there? Like I once asked him if he would have gone through with the marriage if I had quit my job before we got married and to that he said that it was very difficult to answer what he would have done, he couldn't answer hypothetical questions like that. That HURT A LOT


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Thank you all for allowing me to vent. I do feel a little better. Trust me, I'll be fine in the morning. Apparently women are like waves and they tend to crash into wells from time to time (source: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus). I will be my happy self again in the morning and go back to being loving and caring and sweet. When I am happy, I sincerely feel happy and think to myself just how lucky I am to have found somebody like him. He really is a wonderful guy, I just have depressive phases from time to time, and the spoilt brat is still inside me. Thanks again.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

immatureWife said:


> I know. Doesn't make any sense at all. Perhaps because I had to change myself for him to become sweeter? And I guess some of the hurt is still there? Like I once asked him if he would have gone through with the marriage if I had quit my job before we got married and to that he said that it was very difficult to answer what he would have done, he couldn't answer hypothetical questions like that. That HURT A LOT


Talk about dropping your spouse in a minefield. Hypothetical questions?? Didja ask him if your jeans made your butt look to big at the same time?? 

You have too much time on your hands. Maybe get ANY job so you don't sit and dwell on things.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Talk about dropping your spouse in a minefield. Hypothetical questions?? Didja ask him if your jeans made your butt look to big at the same time??
> 
> You have too much time on your hands. Maybe get ANY job so you don't sit and dwell on things.


I haven't yet but thank you for the idea! I'll ask him today and he'll probably say "Yes it does, and if I had known that your butt will start growing after marriage I wouldn't have gone through with the marriage".


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You sound like you have signs of clinical depression -- you should see a Dr about this. A BIG indicator is that you lose interest in everything, even things you KNOW that you like to do. Depression is bad news on all fronts.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Happiness comes from within, you can't expect someone else to make you happy. Your spouse can be doing everything they can, but if you CHOOSE to dwell on the negative, that's where you are stuck.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Methinks the OP's husband is only impotent with women.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> You sound like you have signs of clinical depression -- you should see a Dr about this. A BIG indicator is that you lose interest in everything, even things you KNOW that you like to do. Depression is bad news on all fronts.





jlg07 said:


> You sound like you have signs of clinical depression -- you should see a Dr about this. A BIG indicator is that you lose interest in everything, even things you KNOW that you like to do. Depression is bad news on all fronts.


Thank you for mentioning it, I am sure I suffer from severe depression. I realize that my husband is the least of my problems right now and my marriage right now is my lowest priority. It is me. I am lost. I don't know what to do with my life but I want to do something great and I know that I have the potential. However, I never got the proper guidance or the encouragement. And there isn't a single family member or a friend who can provide me good suggestion or guidance. Any online forum you can suggest? I have decided not to share with anybody anymore because nobody is knowledgeable enough to understand what I am going through. So I am doing some online research. My biggest mistake was choosing the wrong career path. I am not a corporate person. My father keeps rebuking me for not reading the newspaper religiously. I like writing, I like painting, I love doing creative things. But who'll explain to him that not a truly creative mind is a news junkie – not a writer, not a composer, mathematician, physician, scientist, musician, designer, architect or painter. And there is a link between creativity and depression. Creatives – the writers, musicians, inventors, dancers, scientists, architects, students and teachers, and any other creative type you can think of – are singled out more often than not when it comes to depression. Van Gogh being a primary example of the tortured creative. Countless psychologists and psychiatrists tend to agree that major depression is amplified in those who tend to ruminate on their thoughts. There are certain types of thinkers who naturally are drawn to play the stressful events over and over again, thinking about what happened, what they could have (or should have) done differently, how the details of what occurred will affect the rest of their lives, and so on. Creative thinkers tend to fall into the latter group, re-playing events over and over again to better understand them. A result of focusing on these thoughts then, is immense depression or a feeling of hopelessness. This rumination to depression process is evident not only in creatives, of course, but everyone. If the average (not powerfully creative) person finds themselves in a moment of deep reflection – particularly about a stressful event – they too are likely to encounter a state of depression, though it may not last as long as someone who continues to ruminate on the event(s). For creatives, that depressive state happens to be longer-lasting and more intense, due to their innate desire to simply keep thinking on it. Creativity is all about thinking, so it only makes sense that all of that thinking would lead to manic episodes of feeling hopeless, alone, or like a failure. Depression, while seemingly a hindrance to a healthy and happy life, is really a balancing act that helps us focus on the areas where we need to improve most. For creatives, this depression is what amplifies motivation to do their work better. It’s not enough to keep doing what you’ve been doing as a creative, you have to do more, and do it well. That’s empowering, if you can make it through the initial dip in energy. While depression serves as a reflection of thought and those who ruminate tend to suffer the most, it also has a secondary upside that helps explain why creatives experience more depression than any other individual type. Once whatever initially caused the depressed feelings to rise up have been sorted through in the mind, the shift into more positive thoughts (e.g. “That wasn’t so bad,” or “I know what I have to do now”) helps to drive even more motivation to do more creative work (or really more of anything at all). Say you’re an avid tennis player who suddenly falls into a temporary state of depression. Once the thoughts you experienced through those few days or that week of depression are counseled internally, you may find yourself more motivated than ever before to get out and practice your backhand stroke. To the point where you go above and beyond where you were before the depressed state. Of course, the motivational boost is often an inverse of the level of depression. So if you’re in a truly deep funk and start coming out of it, you can expect your motivation to be equally as high as the low. Creativity is what can drive depression, a signal that there’s a lot of thinking going on. Which, in return, is great for creativity once the initial slump has been combated and the motivation returns.

This I know is really not the appropriate forum to be making this post. But if only I could find someone who could help me. Or perhaps guide me on how I can help myself. All I hear is "Work, work, work - go back to work, you are lazy, you suffer from depression, you have too much spare time, you are spoiled". I need a break from such people. I need to be allowed to hit rock bottom so I can come up feeling more motivated and energetic. It has happened numerous times before, I took a break and I got into a better position in a better organization with better pay and my performance after the break improves everytime, more energetic and more motivated. While I could enjoy the needed break while I was single, I was never allowed that break without the feeling of guilt after my marriage. And I have been wrong to put the blame on my husband for that. He acted like any other ordinary person would and failed to understand me. And why should he? Why should anyone? What everybody fails to understand that I am not particularly enjoying the fact that I am sitting idle and not doing anything with my life. 

Now I really need to figure out what it is that I enjoy doing, what it is that I want to achieve, what it is that I really want to accomplish. 

To all those who are about to attack me for being a terrible wife and how unlucky my husband is, trust me, I'll make sure he doesn't realize how troubled I am inside. He is happy as long as I put a smile on my face and act happy, take care of him, maintain peace in the house, give him space and leave him alone. 

Again kindly suggest some forum (again believe me when I tell you that the therapists in my country are useless) where there are knowledgeable people who can help and guide.


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## mvp4eva (Jan 15, 2017)

You need therapy. Nothing wrong with advice here but seek professional help. Save your marriage or friendship whatever keeps you happy. GL.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## MarriedAHooker (Sep 20, 2017)

OP you sound depressed


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> You sound like you have signs of clinical depression -- you should see a Dr about this. A BIG indicator is that you lose interest in everything, even things you KNOW that you like to do. Depression is bad news on all fronts.


Exactly my first thought when I read her first post. 

Immature wife, have you talked to your doctor? Even your PCP can prescribe you a medication for depression or maybe even recommend a counselor for you to see.

You can't really expect to "fix" your marriage in the midst of such an issue. Please seek help for yourself. The rest will follow in it's own good time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TJW said:


> I have read your post for the 3rd time and I have no idea what your questions are to us.
> 
> Could you please choose the ONE most important "positive" and the ONE most important "negative" in your marriage and tell us what those are.


And go back and break it up into paragraphs? Too hard to read.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

duplicate post


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"There are certain types of thinkers who naturally are drawn to play the stressful events over and over again, thinking about what happened, what they could have (or should have) done differently, how the details of what occurred will affect the rest of their lives, and so on. "

The only few things I can suggest are these:
When you catch yourself in cyclical thinking on a subject that you realize is making you more depressed, make a concerted effort to STOP thinking about it, if even only for a few minutes. Just leave it alone (you KNOW that you will go back and think about it again!). Visualize something or someplace you love --- just let yourself focus on that for a few minutes. If you can get in the habit of stopping yourself going down the rabbit hole, that will help with this type of thought process.

Secondly, you REALLY need to seek medical help. Most folks just say "depressed" but this truly is a medical condition -- it's NOT just feeling bad or sorry for yourself. PLEASE seek medical help for this. 

Lastly, please talk with your husband about EXACTLY what you posted -- he needs to understand that it's not "being lazy" or not wanting to do anything. He needs to understand what depression is really all about.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> most importantly he was very disappointed after I quit my job.


sounds like you up and quit your job without discussing it with your husband. Yeah, that is a real deal breaker. Get a new job, asap, and apologize to him for not discussing it first.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> I
> Right now I feel I am a good-for-nothing, worthless spoiled brat and I really deserve to be thrown in a thrash can. Trust me when I say I am not being sarcastic. I really often feel this way. I really really want to end it all.. I don't want to continue. I can't take the pressure. I can't live up to peoples' expectations. I won't end my life, God will not forgive me, but I hope somebody would end it for me. I should see a therapist right? Already spent a fortune on therapists. Didn't help.


how about THIS idea. take this survey, and see what type of job you are best matched to?

https://www.cpp.com/en-US/Products-and-Services/Strong

If you find out what you are psychologically suited to work at,, you will enjoy the job a lot more. NOBODY likes a job you are stuck in and not suited for


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