# Help Please



## 5xamom (May 14, 2012)

I just recently found out that my husband has been talking to a female coworker about our relationship. This coworker is not married and a single mom with 2 kids. I discovered it by an "inkling" to check cell phone call logs after he left the house because of a fight. He called her that night and his last words before he left the house and called her were, "when are you going to fight for me? ". After I found out I told him to tell me who she was and he refused. We didn't talk for 3 weeks. I finally paid a company online to look up her number and found out for myself. I'm mad that he protected her over his wife. After this fight we were considering divorce or separation but my husband finally told me how he felt and I was/am trying to make things better, as he kind of is too. My biggest problem is I feel so betrayed. He's apologized and said it was nothing more then a conversation and that he should not have done it. But I seriously stew on what happened almost ever single day. I feel like a fool, am I wrong? How to I get over this and trust him again? The fact that I know he has contact with her everyday does not help, he's her boss ! I guess I'm having trouble forgiving and forgetting. And maybe having doubts that something more was going on. She has also texted him too. He also wants me to be okay with him going to Las Vegas for the weekend with all his co-workers (her included) but not me. So any advice is appreciated. We've had a lot of problems in our marriage, we have 5 kids and I'm just so frustrated with everything !


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Lots of red flags here. When you checked the phone records how many calls/texts to and from her?


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## 5xamom (May 14, 2012)

I only checked from the last month. He talked to her 4 times that night and once the next day. I saw text messages from her a few months ago but he has since locked his phone, which happened about two days before I found out he was talking to her. I'm sure she can just block his number or they can talk at "work" so how would I know ya know. I tried to get text message logs but cell phone company said I would need a subpena. (sp)


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Somehow you need to find out just how deeply he's involved with her. The locked phone tells me there's a lot of calls and texts that he doesn't want you to know about. It's at least an emotional affair (EA) if he's confiding in her things he won't share with you. Plus they talk in person every day at work. You have good reasons to be alarmed. Did you ask him if you could go with him and the co-workers to Las Vegas?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What kind of phone? Do you have any computer monitoring software installed on the computer? The fact that he's hiding things seems to indicate that this might be the tip of the iceberg.

The whole "when are you going to fight for me? " thing may have come from this other person's lips.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suggest you read the newbie link in my signature, it will give definitions and acronyms you'll see thrown around and help educate you as to what is going on


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I feel for you. You are in an almost identical situation as me.
Thread carefully. Sit down and talk to him why he is confiding in her and ask him what is missing from your relationship. 
My OH had weekly chats with his co-worker over coffee and although he swears it was platonic, noone can ever know if it was more than that.
My OH said we lacked conversation at home and this is why he talked to her. Looking after your home and 5 kids must be exausting, so I'd guess you became a bit detached. It is difficult to talk in the evenings when you cook dinner and you are shattered after a long day, while she is there at work, fresh in the morning, listening to him.
You need to sort things out with him, being a single mum with five kids is not what you should aim at.
The worst thing is the lost trust, the passwords, hiding things....
Fight for your marriage.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'd like to second AR's suggestion to read up on the links he listed above. 

I have female friends, but they are all remote (300+ miles away). My wife also knows about them and I go out of my way to discuss every conversation and email I have with them. I tell her everything... and I mean EVERYTHING.

I want to earn and keep earning her trust. I don't think it's too much to ask that your husband do the same. Plus IMO it's not OK for a husband to have female friends that he sees regularly (that's why the only female friends I have are far away).


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> I feel for you. You are in an almost identical situation as me.
> Thread carefully. Sit down and talk to him why he is confiding in her and ask him what is missing from your relationship.
> My OH had weekly chats with his co-worker over coffee and although he swears it was platonic, noone can ever know if it was more than that.
> My OH said we lacked conversation at home and this is why he talked to her. Looking after your home and 5 kids must be exausting, so I'd guess you became a bit detached. It is difficult to talk in the evenings when you cook dinner and you are shattered after a long day, while she is there at work, fresh in the morning, listening to him.
> ...


I think she needs to find out a lot more before she sits down and has a "state of the marriage" conversation. The last time she confronted him, it resulted in a locked phone. The last thing she wants is for him to take the affair (if it's an affair) underground. She needs to quietly collect information first.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He is in an emotional affair with her. He is already in fairly deep. I agree with Cubby, be very careful about confronting--it is extremely hard to control that strong desire to have it out with your spouse. You need to understand that he is already hiding an inappropriate relationship. He already finds he needs to lie about it. His next step will be to alter how he contacts her and then pretend that it's all ok with you--and you will be none the wiser.



> I just recently found out that my husband has been talking to a female coworker about our relationship.


A co-worker of the opposite sex is the LAST person who should be privy to the details of your marrige. This type of information is off-limits. It is not only disrespectful to you; it is precisely the type of topic that leads to an emotional affair. He's not sharing his issues about the marriage with you (ok, maybe he is half-heartedly since you found out). Instead, he's channeling those emotions, fears, thoughts into that woman. And she's turned to him as her confidant, as well.



> his last words before he left the house and called her were, "when are you going to fight for me? ".


 If this is what he said to you, this was a cry for help. He knows he is checking out of the marriage, he knows he's crossed the boundaries of emotional betrayal with his new secret cell phone friend, but he has just enough guilt left to signal to you that if you intervene now, it won't go further. That's pretty unusual--typically you NEVER find out from your spouse, except through their unintentional disclosure (such as my husband accidentally texting me, instead of his AP).



> After I found out I told him to tell me who she was and he refused.


Stop right there. This is absolutely a deal-breaker. He is not entitled to discuss his marriage with a co-worker in the first place; to try to hide this information from you is an absolute betrayal of your marriage. He is showing that his loyalty lies with HER and NOT with you. He has to admit who this is, in due time when you have enough evidence, or there is no way you are going to be able to move past this and help heal the marriage.




> My biggest problem is I feel so betrayed. *** How to I get over this and trust him again? The fact that I know he has contact with her everyday does not help, he's her boss !


You know why you feel this way? Because THEY'VE ALREADY CREATED A BOND that is betraying the marriage. I could really give a s*** if all they've done is b*tch about you and the marriage. It crossed a line. I really don't see things ever going back. Any time things go south in your relationship, there she is, his shoulder to cry on. Don't doubt for a SECOND that he will be able to overcome that temptation when faced with it again...tomorrow.




> He also wants me to be okay with him going to Las Vegas for the weekend with all his co-workers (her included) but not me.


You sign off on this trip, and you know you're going to be in a world of hurt. You don't need any more information than you've given us to say, I am coming on that trip or you aren't going, end of story.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Indeed lots of red flags and highly inappropriate!

- Single mom with two kids (she has nothing to loose, rather she has a lot to gain, if things click with her and your husband)

- Your husband is her boss and is discussing your marriage with her (he seems to have an emotional connection with her and most like an EA in progress, if not already an EA)

- Locking of phone (EA went underground?)

- Vegas trip (Not good at all)

As others mention, this is a tricky situation for you. Go slow, do not talk to your husband till you have more information on whats going on. Use all the information on this forum as to how you can get more information about whats going on (keylogger etc....) Keep cool till you find more info, keep updating this thread so people can suggest what would be a good plan of action. 

Some questions that might help others give you better advice:
- How long are you married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?
- Has your husband cheated on you in the past (EA/PA)?
- What are the ages of your husband, you, and this lady?
- Have you met her? Do you have info about her worth mentioning?
- Do you know anyone at your husband's office that knows her as well?
- Do you know how many people from husband's office are going to Vegas? Why are they going to Vegas? Are you sure its an office thing?
- What kind of industry does your husband/OW work in? 
- Are you a stay-at-home-mom? 
- What are the other issues you have with husband (in brief..) ? Some perspective on that might help get the entire picture

Sorry, I ask lot of questions.. However I think, the more information you provide the more accurate advice you might get from people out here.

Also, I couldn't exactly understand what happened the night your husband left.. (reference to your quote below) Also when did he come back to the house? do you know where he went after he left? 



5xamom said:


> I discovered it by an "inkling" to check cell phone call logs after he left the house because of a fight. _*He called her that night and his last words before he left the house and called her were, "when are you going to fight for me? *_"... _*I'm mad that he protected her over his wife. *_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I discovered it by an "inkling" to check cell phone call logs after he left the house because of a fight. He called her that night and his last words before he left the house and called her were, "when are you going to fight for me? ".


What an interesting thing to say. If I may ask, what was the fight about? I'm trying to understand the context of his outburst.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

5X, you're not wrong to feel betrayed. He has certainly betrayed your marriage. He believes you've neglected the marriage too, in the ways you said you're trying to do better at. 

You can focus on blame and resentment if you want, but it won't help your marriage improve. You could also choose to affair-proof your marriage. Unfortunately, that won't be easy in your circumstances. 

If it was me in your shoes, I'd insist that she get transferred or let go for inappropriate fraternization or that he changes jobs for the same reason. (Really, it's his fault, and he could face sexual harassment charges for even discussing your marriage with her, so he might do well to leave on his own.) Either way, I would simply not accept another option, and I'd make damned sure my husband knew his choice would speak VERY clearly about how well he prioritizes his marriage and his family, and that if I had to file for divorce because he wanted to make a poor choice, I would keep his demonstration of those priorities firmly in mind. 

I would also insist that there be no phone locking, and complete transparency for 180 days - keystroke loggers, etc. Six months is a long time for two people to go without contact, and it buys time to improve the marriage, but I'd make it clear that it's a temporary bandage - that the intention isn't to imprison each other or make snooping a lifestyle, but that it's a big step toward rebuilding trust. 

I would also be jumping through hoops to find out how his emotional needs are not being met, then deciding on whether it's reasonable for me to meet them, whether I'm capable of doing so, and whether I'm willing to do what it takes.


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