# Question



## steeressed (Sep 20, 2012)

hey,
so ive been seperated now for 3.5 weeks.
anyway shes moved out etc etc.. 
my question is how do i approach this situation.we have some unfinished buisness with vehicles etc. i havent contacted her prob since last week like thursday or so, she has been emailing me about issues like car etc, after a few emails i find myself digging for reasons why she turned and left me. then i start with the emails etc etc. 
for 3 days now she has been emailing me about our issues with phone, cars bills etc. today we threw a curve ball at me so we talked on the phone. basically every single time me and her have a conversation in person i begin to get anxious and almost panic, then ill say something along the lines of you left me i didnt want this and she goes into full on blame mode for what has happened. then of course i get upset and we start going back and forth with me defending myself. 

she cried on the phone today as she just moved into her new place alone and now the car needs work and i think she is having a hard time coping with it all. she shows her anger to hide her hurt feelings. i want to work this out with this girl.. whats my move here.

few tad bits of info

im 36 shes 25, we were together for 4.5 yrs.
we both rebounded from long term relationships after only been single for 2 months.
she says im controlling angry and possessive oh and that im a liar.
she is very insecure (shes really beautiful too which is odd)
i supported her finacially fr 4 yrs and now she says i did it to hold it over her head. 

shes angry at me because i asked her to leave the house after she went on a 2 day bender and didnt come home while i stayed at my parents to give her her "space" while we worked out our issues.. 

i am not contacting her, and i think that a 180 will shock her and starting missing me and maybe focus on the gd istead of always blasting me with what i did wrong.. i am doing ok i miss her alot but life is def going on, not interested in women at all, i am comapring everything to her and having a hard time thinking ill never get a girl as good as her again (i say that cause shes made me feel as though she is perfect and im a **** up) she has a tonne of good qualities kind compassionate, great heart, and a sweet soul.. but all she sees is this angry controlling person..
im actually not really i have my reasons for being the way i am and i know my being upset and controlling ways are justified..


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Keep the 180 up and only talk business. Stop trying to fix the marriage. Let her come to you when she is ready to discuss it. My W says I'm controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative. They have to justify there decision to move out someway or another. Don't defend yourself. I've done plenty of that and it makes things worse. TRUST ME


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## steeressed (Sep 20, 2012)

i am the first one to take responsibility and constantly apoligize for the way and things i did to her, i dont think i have ever heard her ever own anything, is this a woman thing or what. i own my **** fully. its all repairable stuff, my MC said so, she bailed on us, thinking the grass is greener and that she didnt want this relationship. its funny how all of our instincts to try and repair our realtionships are wrong. like emailing her texting etc etc.. i get sucked in every time we communicate. and then the blame game starts, its so frusterating because i know she does it to justify her leaving.thanks for the tip..


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Are you married?

Being upset and controlling ways are NEVER ever justified.
You are responsible for your own behaviors, in this relationship and the next one. Don't lie to yourself. Or her. 

If you are resentful about paying the bills for the past 4 years, tell her. And tell her what you expected. And why you didn't speak up and say so. 

I'm confused... you went and stayed at your parents to give her space.... but yet how did you know she stayed out and didn't come home? Was there a prior agreement on what was expected during this "space" period? Why did you leave? 

"All she sees is this angry and controlling person".
The only person that can change that is you. But that means changing you. You can deny it, and call her crazy, and move on to the next relationship. Why not? Most people do. But sooner or later..... it might kick you in the butt again. Hopefully not. Wish you the best.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

steeressed said:


> i am the first one to take responsibility and constantly apoligize for the way and things i did to her, i dont think i have ever heard her ever own anything, is this a woman thing or what. i own my **** fully. its all repairable stuff, my MC said so, she bailed on us, thinking the grass is greener and that she didnt want this relationship. its funny how all of our instincts to try and repair our realtionships are wrong. like emailing her texting etc etc.. i get sucked in every time we communicate. and then the blame game starts, its so frusterating because i know she does it to justify her leaving.thanks for the tip..


You kicked her out. Or did she leave you?


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## steeressed (Sep 20, 2012)

married no, common law for 4 yrs 

i dont think i am a controlling person. i have expectations as does everyone going into a relationship. let me ask you this. if you are with someone and when they were out boozing or in another city or whatever and this person doesnt tell you or want to tell you what they are doing or even better not come home or let you know they were home safe. i sometimes wouldnt hear from her till the next morning and her apoligies were weak and through text message.. i deserve to be respected. i did not do this to her and i would not ever. its rude. she also knows i suffer from terriable anxiety issues when these incidents happen my mind wanders and i will not sleep until she is home. that has happened prob 10 imes in the 4 yrs and towards the end it was happening alot..

ya i did resent her for slacking off at home. my house was a mess always, i told her i was begining to resent her. she didnt pitch in and respect our home. she was a bit of a slob. i take care of my things and watched my house turn into a disaster. when she did anything she expected me to roll out the red carpet. i did alot of it myself, how could a person not become resentful. if i was supporting her the least she could do was help out a bit more.. i told her this many many times. 

yes through councelling the councellor suggested i go and stay at my parents place for a month to allow her her space. the weekend she partied i had spoken to her friday and only asked that she let me know that she got home safe as she was with some skanky girls that do alot of drugs and i was worried she was gonna get roofied as it has happened with these people before.. she agreed to letting me know actually her exact words were of course ill let you know.. it was disrespectful and hurtful to me, i didnt sleep the entire night and had to work again, when she got home she apoligized and i accepted it and pleaded with her to not do it again to me. well the next night she did it again and i flipped out and kicked her out.. 

i have a great family, my mom is an amazing woman, i grew up with strict rules and my dad was the breadwinner. my mom yelled alot, i came from a home where us as italians show emotions through our hand gestures and through our vocal cords. her home was the opposite. her mom did everything she had her freedom and she was never yelled at. i have my faults trust me i know, my delivery on things at time is a bit harsh but it isnt always that way. i constantly think about incidents in our relationship where i prob coulda been nicer. i regret alot of it. she she wasnt an angel though but deep down i feel as though i let this girl go and hate to think it was all my fault.. she shuts down now when i get upset, i am not a yeller but i am a passionate person, i like to explain myself and express my self and it does at times comes across as perhaps im upset but im not.. shes stubborn and doesnt like being told what to do in fact if you tell her to do something she does the opposite.. its frusterating..


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear things have been so tough. 
I hope you are able to move on easily. At this point, re-hashing what you did wrong isn't going to change the fact that she is gone. Best wishes with your next relationship


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## steeressed (Sep 20, 2012)

i dont want to let up on the possibility that we could make it work, alot has happened but i know with better communication and an understanding of our expectations and needs we could make it work.i am holding out a tiny bit of hope a bit of time apart will supress the anger we both have towards what eachother has to do one another. everytime we speak its a tit for tat conversation seems like. i dont want to let this girl go, possibly because its fairly new and because i am hurting but i know she is an incrediable girl and i dont want to regret down the road not trying to win her heart back, the more i sqeeze her though through emails texts etc the further back she goes. i have to just let her go and give her her time to figure it out. i know she still loves me, but isnt willing to risk going back in the event nothing changes..


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I guess my question is after all the things you listed. Why would you want her back? You name all of these things she does that you hate and then say shes a incredible girl. How exactly is she incredible? Because she's beautiful? It also sounds like she wants to go out and party and feels you hold her back and nag too much and it appears she is not at all considerate of how you feel. I mean how much effort does it take to text you when she gets home safely. Sounds more like she doesn't care to me.


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