# Dealing w/ Regret & Sorrow. He doesn't want me anymore



## tiffi36 (Feb 4, 2011)

Been married for 14 years...together since 1992
(I was 17 he was 19)
Have 2 boys 14 and 11
Had problems starting 4 or so years ago...stemming from my refusal to change and his lack of communication skills..
things broke down 3 years ago, He almost ended it then..managed to hold it together somehow..
I am a clutter bug...plain and simple. He is not.
I was out of control as far as buying at thrift stores and yard sales..not Hoarders bad, but bad enough that it drove him crazy...he pleaded for years that he couldn't relax and that I had to do something...
He would try to get me started, but I would fight and be so hostile he stopped trying..
But when he broke down 3 years ago (and he did break..on vacation visiting a friend..) I really tried..I got rid of loads of stuff...stopped buying things..
but It didn't stick..I still don't buy stuff, but I have a problem w/ getting stuff out when I need to and I STILL fight when it comes to getting stuff out of the house...or I was until last month..
My best friend and her son are staying w us for a while, and she instantly saw how different I was...I was crabby, *****y and snappish. In general NOT happy at all. and I was dragging everyone down w. me..part of it was depression (meds were causing major anxiety and stress for me...have switched since)
and the other part of it was just sheer stubborn.
The last week in december was the kicker for him..he was on vacation...I was working all day..I had to go to bed at a decent time to function...he was free to stay up and do whatever.
which he did, sometimes w/ my friend (25 years of friend ship) sometimes not, but I would FREAK out b/c he was staying up late..made me jealous..even tho there is NO reason..we have talked extensively and she is NOT interested in stealing my husband (or having a relationship in general...) and he is not interested in her..they are friends and that is all..but I still went ballistic..he is very hurt that I behaved the way I did and that I cast a 'pall' on his vacation
I have hurt him in the fact that I never listened to him when he said, plainly, that he could NOT relax in his own house, that I would not do simple things he asked (not maliciously, just avoided it for whatever reason..all of them stupid) Example: cleaning off kitchen table...washing a load of clothes...vacuuming the floor...simple things
He says he is DONE. flat out done. 
I am now working thru the stuff in my house, 95% because it HAS to be done, I have to do it for ME..no one else...and 5% of me hopes that this could possibly be positive for our marriage..it is a REMOTE possibility...all I can do is try..and if it doesn't help at all, well, then I have still done it for me and changed how I do things..its a must whether or not I stay married.
I have to restructure my whole life..I need a schedule, I need to reteach myself how to clean my house regularly, how to keep up w/ things I should be keeping up with...
Basically I am proceeding as if this is going to happen for sure...I have to in order to maintain sanity.
The pluses? He is still living at home, he is still sleeping in my bed...he hasn't run away screaming...nothing formal has been done...
I just hate the strained feelings..the way we behave around each other...the stiffness...it hurts. It burns like fire if I let myself think about it...

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest...I've told only those who need to know..gramma, FIL, mom, sister and a couple of friends and an aunt...

Tiff


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Have you been to counseling for your 'clutterbug' behavior? It is likely there is some deep need being fulfilled by shopping & collecting - probably something from your childhood. Until you can identify and deal with the deeper issue, it will be a constant fight to control the behavior, and you will not be able to find peace or happiness. 

Currently, you are vehemently opposing the behaviors that are threatening your marriage - yet the stress you feel daily makes it so much more difficult! Spend your energy getting to the root of the problem and the behavior will change quicker than you could ever imagine.


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