# Discovered wife's affair with OW



## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

Hello,

I recently discovered the true depth of my wife's 'friendship' with another woman that she met last year and has been online friends with since. The OW is a minor celebrity of sorts and was on a reality TV contest show this past year. As far as I can tell, my wife was online friends with the OW before this TV show but really started going overboard on Twitter and Facebook during this period. Apparently the wife did enough to attract OW's attention and the two started talking more and more online.

Fast forward a bit and my wife tells me she is planning a trip to see some old friends in another state. I say 'Sure, you could use a break from the kids and house. I will stay here and bond with them while you go have fun.' About two weeks before the trip my wife's mother calls my phone and is frantic about my wife meeting another woman on this trip and not our friends. I think to myself 'I will verify with the friends to see if they are planning a trip.' Only problem is the friends are in on the plan, refuse my calls, and tell my wife I am trying to contact them. Wife immediately gets mad and accuses me of checking up on her, says her mom is bat **** crazy and this OW is not going to be there and is not interested in the wife. So I play the role of trusting husband and watch her leave.

She comes back home and is okay for a few days, then she starts to get more and more blatant with contacting OW. She doesn't wait until I am at work to talk to her, is constantly sending text messages, and clutches her cell like it is made of solid gold. At this point, I realize none of this is right and I have made a terrible mistake trusting her to this point. She is obviously addicted to this OW and in love with her. I confront my wife on these things and she makes excuses, 'OW is so positive, the kids like OW...', etc.

Now the wife starts to plan a trip to actually meet the OW for what I think is the first time. I am not comfortable with this and start to snoop on the wife. I somehow managed to get into her Facebook one day and see some PMs. One is from the old friends asking if she ever went on the trip, another is from a friend telling wife about how she thought our marriage wouldn't last and to be careful about how the courts might perceive her actions as abandonment of the children. I also found her private Instagram that contained pictures of wife and OW together, nothing sexual but up to that point they were not supposed to have met each other.

I confront wife with all this and get excuses and such, "The old friends were there on the trip, the just PM'd the wrong person", "Okay, OW came down at the last minute to meet me as a surprise." She told me she did love OW but it didn't matter because OW only dates opposite race women and my wife isn't a lesbian. I am mad, confused, and hurt. So I start to snoop harder and one night my wife magically falls asleep with the cell phone unguarded. I pounced, and managed to read a few text messages that confirmed my wife and OW are having a serious affair. Of course, the wife catches me and flies off the handle.

The wife's trip was to go visit OW over the holidays while I stayed home with the kids. She had a ticket to leave Christmas day! When I found out what was going on I told her not to leave or I would pursue divorce and she should not return. She again got angry faced with this ultimatum and told me she was coming back for the kids. I cooled down a bit and started to spin into some really bad feelings and confusion. This was surely the last thing I had ever expected from my wife. 

Before she left, we had a heart to heart and she told me this trip was something she wanted to do for herself. It wasn't about OW, me, her family, anything, just her. She wanted to see the big city and have life experiences. She claimed she always knew this was the end for her and OW and now she needed closure or else she could not work on our marriage. I told her closure is simply telling OW, "I am not coming and I can never talk to you again." My wife claims she feels guilty for leaving the family on Christmas day, she is going to break it off with OW, and we can see if there is anything to salvage between us. I could tell there was at least some truth in there.

My primary concern is that I saw some talk between the two that the OW was under the impression my wife wouldn't not even return home and if wife did come back, OW might be planning a trip here to see her later in the month. This worries me because I don't honestly know if the wife would grab the kids and bail.

I already feel like I have typed a ton and have left out a ton of details. I have not been a perfect husband through the years and take full responsibility for it. Around four years ago, another woman contacted me on MySpace about being her child's father. My wife found the message, deleted it, and threatened to leave me. I am still in the process of sorting the situation out. I thought we had worked it out but she still resents me for this incident.

She also resents my work, I am in the military and it makes her feel like she is out of control of our lives. This is also an isolated location and she is feeling immensely lonely. I suppose I could drone on and on about the excuses but needless to say she has done her fair share of complaining and it has fallen on deaf ears. I had a bit of an epiphany before D-Day and was actively working to be a better man and father. I was just kind of treating her like a friend and we did have some laughs and amicable time spent together. After discovery, I started to lose that feeling and had a hard time fighting my emotions.

Bottom line is she is due back into town in a few days. I have already worked through a lot of my personal feelings and I believe that a lot of the things that I thought would bother me about an affair don't really matter. I don't care about the sex. Hell, if anything maybe learning sex could be pleasurable would do her some good. I know that nothing can be done if she does not want to be with me. I also know that she needs to accept the responsibility for her actions. I don't really know what I am asking, I am just lost and looking for answers. I played the role of trusting husband and was completely blindsided by all this. I feel like I can forgive her, I honestly want her in my life, and I want our family to be whole. Is this even possible?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dude - you've been a doormat and your wife is lying and taking advantage of you bigtime.

She's having an affair and is even leaving the kids on christmas day to be with her lover.

How would you be acting if this was another man? Because it doen't matter of the sex that your partner is betraying you with.

You need to actually stand up to her and follow through on drawing a line. You've yelled at her so far, and then backed down and let her continue the affair while you babysit the kids at home.

1. Stop paying for your wife to go visit her lover. Move your money to an account only you have access to. Cut off any joint credit card by deauthorizing your wife as a user.

2. Expose the OW and your wife as cheaters and the friends as enablers to friends and family. Get on FB and expose the affair, and the fact you wife is currently in the bed of the other woman. Make the affair embarrasing to continue!

3. Do change the locks on the house and have her stuff packed in garbage bags. then drop the bags at her mothers house.

4. IF the OW is a minor celeb - then all the better - you can really go after her. Go to Reddit.com and post the OW by name and say she is having an affair with your wife.

All the above may seem like it will drive you wife away. The reality is your wife is already gone. She left now twice to be with her affair partner. You're no longer fighting to keep her. She's gone.

What you are now doing to fighting to kill the affair. To have the OW dump her, and to cause the relationship as much grief as you can.

You want to show your wife that you aren't a doormat, and show her what she is choosing to betray.

You need to go to war with the affair - once it is done - then and only then can you begin on working on the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also know this:

You can't nice someone out of an affair. Women are not attracted to doormats that cry, plead, and issue hollow threats. They are attracted to strong men who take decisive action against threats to their family.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you pay for her trip?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

if your out of country make sure the kids passports are secure.

Quite frankly I think you have screwed the pooch.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

I guess I feel that way as well. I have been letting her walk all over me and I feel so stupid for doing so. I guess I don't know how exposing will help anything. Her family knows, my family knows. Will trying to attack this person's character on FB and Twitter really do anything? 

I already cut off her money and have made preparations at work to deal with being a single father. I have filled out the complaint for divorce papers and spoken to an attorney. I have incriminating Skype logs and videos my WS sent to the OW. I can correlate my work schedule to the kids' school schedule to show days where she was paying more attention to the computer than the kids. I have financial and phone records as well.

I am not trying to be a wussy about this because I am prepared to walk. I do want her back but I will not tolerate any further contact with the OW. I am just confused as to what my approach should be. Do I slam her in the face with everything as soon as she comes in the door?

Like I said, I would prefer to save the marriage. It sounds like that is not an option, but there is so much crap saying "No marriage is beyond rescue!" Do this, do that...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AlohaNinja said:


> I guess I feel that way as well. I have been letting her walk all over me and I feel so stupid for doing so. I guess I don't know how exposing will help anything. Her family knows, my family knows. Will trying to attack this person's character on FB and Twitter really do anything?
> 
> I already cut off her money and have made preparations at work to deal with being a single father. I have filled out the complaint for divorce papers and spoken to an attorney. I have incriminating Skype logs and videos my WS sent to the OW. I can correlate my work schedule to the kids' school schedule to show days where she was paying more attention to the computer than the kids. I have financial and phone records as well.
> 
> ...


Hand her the divorce paperwork as soon as she walks in the door. Tell her you hope her celebrity OW is willing to take care of her for the rest of her life because you're setting her free.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do not twitter or fb. The OW will love this. It will raise interest in her. She'd eat up the publicity. Proceed with divorce unless she knee-walks to you with tears and an apology. Even then, be wary.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

I don't know if the OW would actually want that kind of publicity. Her image is kind of based on being the down home, positive, simple, honest laid back type of lesbian. I just don't want to do anything on FB or Twitter because it seems like I will just look like a crazy ******* and everything will be deleted. Although, the idea of posting on Reddit and trying to get people to blow the OW's sites up sounds deliciously vengeful.

I guess I have to suck it up and file the paperwork. I am lying to myself if I think she can come home and be done with the OW.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

AlohaNinja said:


> I guess I feel that way as well. I have been letting her walk all over me and I feel so stupid for doing so. I guess I don't know how exposing will help anything. Her family knows, my family knows. Will trying to attack this person's character on FB and Twitter really do anything?
> 
> I already cut off her money and have made preparations at work to deal with being a single father. I have filled out the complaint for divorce papers and spoken to an attorney. I have incriminating Skype logs and videos my WS sent to the OW. I can correlate my work schedule to the kids' school schedule to show days where she was paying more attention to the computer than the kids. I have financial and phone records as well.
> 
> ...


This is good. The way to breakup an affair is by jumping on it with both feet. Is there somewhere she can stay besides your home. How does divorce work in the military. Are you on US soil?

Does she know you are working on the divorce papers? If it were me, I would have the papers ready and her stuff boxed up. Nothing says I can move on better than "here's your sign.... er stuff".

Have you heard from her since she has been gone, contact with kids?

She is living the celebrity life now, that spells trouble.

Is the OW known to be gay?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Her family knows she is bisexual? Did you?


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

Yes, the OW is out. The WS's family is confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Never had any inclination of her being bi-curious or interested in women. The OW is not wealthy and can not even afford to house or care for the WS. OW is basically trying to get her business started and right now barely breaks even. 

Unfortunately, WS only has her mother to go home to and I don't believe that is going to happen. WS seems intent on coming back here. If that happens, having her crap packed won't matter because there is nowhere to go. She made minimal contact at first, then claims she cannot get signal and has made a couple of half-assed attempts at talking to the kids.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

How old are your kids?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AlohaNinja said:


> Yes, the OW is out. The WS's family is confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Never had any inclination of her being bi-curious or interested in women. The OW is not wealthy and can not even afford to house or care for the WS. OW is basically trying to get her business started and right now barely breaks even.
> 
> Unfortunately, WS only has her mother to go home to and I don't believe that is going to happen. WS seems intent on coming back here. If that happens, having her crap packed won't matter because there is nowhere to go. She made minimal contact at first, then claims she cannot get signal and has made a couple of half-assed attempts at talking to the kids.


It doesn't matter if she has anywhere to go. Do you not see the symbolism of her coming home to find her things in boxes? You don't think that will jar her little fantasy world? Friend, you may be in the military but you're acting like a wuss. Its time to start acting and stop whining. You are spending a lot of energy figuring out what not to do. Maybe you should start directing that energy into actions.

Box her crap up. Download divorce paperwork from online, print it and fill it out. Leave it on the boxes. Have someone watch the kids when she walks in the door. They don't need to hear what will happen and she shouldn't get to have any kind of joyful reunion with them upon her return.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Download this and read it now. I'm a general and thats an order. Just kidding. ;{)>

Amazon.com: married man sex life primer

This is the most recomended book here for men . Its eye opening and jaw dropping but totally common sense.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

AlohaNinja said:


> Yes, the OW is out. The WS's family is confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Never had any inclination of her being bi-curious or interested in women. The OW is not wealthy and can not even afford to house or care for the WS. OW is basically trying to get her business started and right now barely breaks even.
> 
> Unfortunately, WS only has her mother to go home to and I don't believe that is going to happen. WS seems intent on coming back here. If that happens, having her crap packed won't matter because there is nowhere to go. She made minimal contact at first, then claims she cannot get signal and has made a couple of half-assed attempts at talking to the kids.


Is she in an area where reception could be bad? Do they not have land lines? Has she called about coming home?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tough love is your best approach in saving your marriage. Change the lock. ( they must have broken when she was with OW) this tactic will have her thinking twice when you have to give her a new key for the "fixed" locks. Pack her thing and put them in the garage ( you though she wasn;t coming back)....

Tactics in getting her to second guess her choices is taking the kids out with out her...taking her money is one thing, taking her kids will make her look at the reality of her choices. Take them to the park, resturants, movies, just start spending the time with them with out her but make sure she knows and sees you and the kids distancing and how positive you are.

do the 180 and start showing the indifference she diserve. This indiference and confidence you have in no longer tolorating her sh1t will again show her whats in store for her when she continues to make the unhealthy choice to be with this OW.

Once you start acting like a bad @ss you will feel like a bad @sss (fake it until you make it) don't let her think you will let her stick around. Your goal is getting rid of OW so start making this A as inconvienent and uncomfortable as possible....it will give her something to think about when she is pulling all her sh1t out of the garage and putting it back in the *spare* bed room!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

bfree said:


> It doesn't matter if she has anywhere to go. Do you not see the symbolism of her coming home to find her things in boxes? You don't think that will jar her little fantasy world? Friend, you may be in the military but you're acting like a wuss. Its time to start acting and stop whining. You are spending a lot of energy figuring out what not to do. Maybe you should start directing that energy into actions.
> 
> Box her crap up. Download divorce paperwork from online, print it and fill it out. Leave it on the boxes. Have someone watch the kids when she walks in the door. They don't need to hear what will happen and she shouldn't get to have any kind of joyful reunion with them upon her return.


If the kids aren't there when she gets there and you tell her you need to talk about the divorce first..............well thats a power move.

If you think you can be nice, talk about where YOU have screwed up, and come out on top of this, I've got thousands of threads here that say otherwise.

Your best hope is that reality has started to hit her already. How have your conversations gone with her since she left?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

AlohaNinja said:


> Yes, the OW is out. The WS's family is confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Never had any inclination of her being bi-curious or interested in women. The OW is not wealthy and can not even afford to house or care for the WS. OW is basically trying to get her business started and right now barely breaks even.
> 
> Unfortunately, WS only has her mother to go home to and I don't believe that is going to happen. WS seems intent on coming back here. If that happens, having her crap packed won't matter because there is nowhere to go. She made minimal contact at first, then claims she cannot get signal and has made a couple of half-assed attempts at talking to the kids.


She comes back because she has no other options ? Think about this carefully


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

If the OW is a minor celebrity and the publicity will adversely affect her maybe you should consider putting her on Cheaterville. Then whenever someone Googles her name it will come up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

AlohaNinja said:


> Yes, the OW is out. The WS's family is confused as I am about the whole ordeal. Never had any inclination of her being bi-curious or interested in women. The OW is not wealthy and can not even afford to house or care for the WS. OW is basically trying to get her business started and right now barely breaks even.
> 
> Unfortunately, WS only has her mother to go home to and I don't believe that is going to happen. WS seems intent on coming back here. If that happens, having her crap packed won't matter because there is nowhere to go. She made minimal contact at first, then claims she cannot get signal and has made a couple of half-assed attempts at talking to the kids.


Again there are tactics at hand that will and can be negociated by your wife when she gets back that will will make her second guess her future choices.

Of coures you can't lock her out of her house but changing the locks under the pretence that they were broken will still have the effect of "what if".

Packing her things up and putting them in the garage ...again "she wasn't coming back cuz you guys haven;t heard from her....she can always unpack at her home...but this time maybe a spare bed room would be better then sharing a bed with this OW and your wife...if you know what I mean.

In fact I would avoid any sexual contact with your wife until she is checked out for STD's much less share a bed with her. Again just another tactic in making the affair uncomfortable and inconvienent to continue.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

bfree said:


> If the OW is a minor celebrity and the publicity will adversely affect her maybe you should consider putting her on Cheaterville. Then whenever someone Googles her name it will come up.


Best advice so far. Then use their annonymous function to send it to "the smokimg gun".

Of course you might want to warn your wife that everyone in the world could hear about what she is doing. Ask her if she is planing on making this affair public? Like the Enquirer?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Even what we might think of as bad publicity she might think of as good. What kind of business is she starting? Does she have partners?

I hope you have separated all your accts.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

You let your wife leave on christmas day to be with someone else!!!!! Guy WTF is wrong with you and her for that matter. There is nothing to be confused at for her actions. She chose this women over you and the children on one of the most important days for FAMILIES.

She has all year to visit the "BIG CITY" But she chose to go with her lover. Military life is not always easy but there are certain programs you wife can get involved in to keep her busy. Either way it doesn't excuse her love affair with someone else. The "closure" she wants is a goodbye F$%k and a I'll stay in contact secretly and see you again if I have the chance type of"closure". 

We'll she spend New Years with her as well????? She threatened to leave you when she thought you you betrayed her, you should do the same. Set some boundaries or she will continue to run over you and the children.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

I have the OW's phone number and really feel like ruining their trip. 
I supposed it is just whatever now, I financed a sex trip for my wife. I guess it all comes down to how hard she is going to try and fight for the kids.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Call OW phone and ask to speak to wife. If she says wife is not there tell her to give wife a message. "Don't come home. Nothing for you here now after what you have done." Tell OW the message is from STBXH.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

You'd better hope that her and her lesbian lover do not look at your children as a built in family. Its happened before that two women have shacked up and taken the children away from their father.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I financed a sex trip for my wife. I guess it all comes down to how hard she is going to try and fight for the kids.


I guess it comes down to how hard you want your marriage. Gather the evidence, Expose her actions, and give the ultimatum by filing for Divorce. Call the other woman and let her know. If she knows and dont care so be it, file for Divorce, If she doesn't know and doesn't want to be involved with the drama maybe she wont see your wife. Staying home quiet like a [email protected]#ch should not be an option. Speak up for yourself SOLDIER.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Definitely expose publicilly the OM. This will hurt her image and her new business, and her fun with your wife. Right now she feels safe to screw with your marriage. Put an end to that safety.

Post her on cheaterville.com and on reddit..


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

Called the OW's phone and that seemed to get the WS's attention...I told her I had 700 pages of Skype chat logs and over a CD's worth of video of her doing sexy dances for the OW. I said the one where my sons busts in the room was my favorite. WS simply said "So what? That's nice you have all that." and then accused me of using the kids to hurt her and basically hung up. I am wondering if I should threaten to go public with the OW.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Back up your evidence physically offsite where your wife can't get it and destroy it. Not online, physical copy on a USB drive or disk.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

I already have it buried on a couple of hard drives, USB thumbdrives, my cell phone, Dropbox, and Box.net. My financials and cell phone records are all available through the web at any time. I can also obtain old work schedules if necessary. I don't have the actual contents of their text messages unfortunately and the OW seems to have been a lot more discreet than my WS. I tried to recover deleted files on her laptop but there was nothing useful and she seems to have solely relied on Incognito in Chrome for all her browsing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Turn off the privacy settings in chrome, she say not notice.

Though at this point your marriage is over, your wife clearly chose the OW and is only playing you for money.

File and go if for full custody.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I don't think at this point you have anything to salvage. I wouldn't threaten to go public. I would go public asap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would check with your attorney before going public. Not sure what that would do to your divorce case.

You would always sell the story to a gossip rag.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, I had considered that trying to release the information to the public could harm me in court or make the evidence inadmissible.  I had not considered a gossip rag however... 

I am still shopping around for an attorney. Does anyone know any good method on how to select a good one?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If she's a celeb, call TMZ, the Inquirer, anybody you can think of. You may be able to sell the story for a few bucks to help fund the divorce. THEN post her on Cheaterville.

Most women are sexually fluid and this is downplayed by society. There is quite a bit of science on this. You basically have to play a WW who is going after a woman the same as you play one going after a man. That is you've got to be ruthlessly tough. 

You need to have the papers ready to hand her when she comes in. Are you state side?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

AlohaNinja said:


> Thanks for the advice, I had considered that trying to release the information to the public could harm me in court or make the evidence inadmissible. I had not considered a gossip rag however...
> 
> I am still shopping around for an attorney. Does anyone know any good method on how to select a good one?


Yeah, you can say some of her friends sold the gossip. 

What state are you in?


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

The thought of selling the story to fund the divorce had never occurred to me. I have to admit, it sounds pretty awesome! I am in Hawaii and we have lived here long enough to file locally.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Somehow, I thought you might be in Hawaii. File ASAP. I think HI is a no-fault, so outing her probably won't make much difference in the divorce outcome. You really need to file now. Whoever files first gains the high ground (dominating terrain feature).


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

AlohaNinja said:


> I don't know if the OW would actually want that kind of publicity. Her image is kind of based on being the down home, positive, simple, honest laid back type of lesbian. I just don't want to do anything on FB or Twitter because it seems like I will just look like a crazy ******* and everything will be deleted. *Although, the idea of posting on Reddit and trying to get people to blow the OW's sites up sounds deliciously vengeful.*
> 
> I guess I have to suck it up and file the paperwork. I am lying to myself if I think she can come home and be done with the OW.


Better yet, post it on 4chan in the "random" board.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Celebrity News | TMZ.com Here is the home page with tip feature.

Would exposure help or hurt OW's business? Depending on the business I can see that going both ways. LOL

Talk to a lawyer quick. Tell him/her you think your wife and lesbian intend to come and take your kids back to the mainland. Most states have a limit how far a spouse with partial custody can take the kids. They may be able to take them anywhere if a court order is not in place. It can be near impossible to fight this after they are taken.

divorce - Search Results


One poster recommended this site, I have no idea how well it works. As always check it out yourself.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW it has been suggested here to interview/consult the best lawyers in your area. Any lawyer you have consulted with cannot take your wife as a client. IDK if thats true. Also, people say the first consultation is free.

Good luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have heard that there could be a conflict of interest, when you consult with a lawyer and don't retain him. It has been said that consulting with the top five in your area is a good plan.

In fact always ask the lawyer who he/she biggest advisary is, then consult them. Lawyers hate this so keep it on the down low. If asked just tell the consulting lawyer that your STBXW wife has the means to retain the best and you want to know what you will be up against.

Telling a lawyer about consulting his/her advisary is bad cuz it takes work away from these guys and no one like losing a client....again keep it on the down low when talking to the lawyers.

Never tell a lawyer your shopping around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

when shopping for a lawyer ask the question with regards to mentioning and naming the OW in the divorce papers.

Also ask about any kind of court order or moral clause that will keep OW or any other over night guest from spending the night when WW has the kids. In fact ask about keeping OW away from any contact with your kids.

If it was me I would go after every thing and let her counter claim the divorce papers. The shock of getting served with a divorce were you are asking for 100% custody and the intire house and all assets will have the shock and aw effect that just might shack her to the core.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

While most lawyers don't do it, you can mention (text) to the OW you are preparing an "intentional infliction of emotional distress" lawsuit in Hawaiian courts. That you are sure the suit will be public news. Its more of something to make her worry than not. A News Years eve text might set the right tone for her evening. Aldo, mention she will be named in the divorce action.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

I let this thread die a while ago and figured I would post a quick update with thanks to all who replied.

WW was supposed to return on Jan 2. I had turned off her cards and locked down the accounts to prevent any more money being spent on the OW. Amazingly, she had saved none of the money she took with her and had no money for baggage fees on her return flight. She claimed TSA detained her when she tried to abandon her bags at LAX. I told her to wait for a standby flight, instead she drove with OW to Texas to stay at WW mother's house. The plan was for WW and OW to drive half way and meet WW's mother, and they would finish the drive. Instead, WW and OW drove the whole trip themselves. After arriving in Texas, WW apparently couldn't handle her mother telling her she is screwing up her life so she leaves and spends the day with OW in Austin. After their day of sight seeing, WW and OW return to LA.

By this time I had filed for divorce and had filed a motion for a temporary restraining order against the WW should she try to return and grab the kids. WW ended up staying in LA for nearly a month before finally returning back to Hawaii, she hung around the house for 4 days and then on the 5th I woke up to find the car driving away from the house. WW, who was fully aware of the divorce case and the fact that I had been awarded the restraining order, decided to take the kids to Texas regardless. I got them back after about two weeks when the WW just dumped them on my mother with no notice.

A few days later, WW returns to LA to be with OW so they can spend Valentine's together or something. The only reason I even know WW is alive at this point is because of the stupid crap that gets posted to OW's Twitter feed.

After a month of no contact, WW finally calls to talk to the kids. WW can't handle it and starts to break down crying. She actually sounds like she is having a moment of clarity and expresses regret for her actions. She acknowledges that there is no valid excuse for her actions and claims she will keep in touch. Days later, still no contact from WW and the court hearing is approaching fast.

I have learned some harsh lessons from this whole ordeal. Never trust a cheater. Don't ever blame yourself for a cheater's actions. If your once normal spouse starts to act bizarre, there is probably some kind of substance use happening. Once you discover the infidelity, move quickly and decisively to protect your interests. Don't look at the situation like you are headed towards reconciliation, it's over. After making your move, expect the cheater to start flinging whatever mud they can at you when they realize they are at a disadvantage.

At this point, I know reconciliation is maybe a 0.1% chance for my marriage. WW has shown no regard for anyone in our lives and has hitched her wagon to the OW. I can't even say I would want to put in the work necessary to restore the relationship.

Thanks to everyone who chimed in and offered advice. I followed my brain instead of my heart. I would urge anyone else going through this to do the same. Following your heart is going to result in more pain and suffering. If I hadn't followed the advice given to me, my kids would be thousands of miles away right now with absolutely no way for me to get them back.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm curious, do you suffer from mind movies like other betrayed husbands?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I reckon this is not the last of it. When court date arrives she'll have a sudden change of heart and try to manipulate you again with hopes of false R. 

Good luck to you friend, as much as it hurts you need her out of your life, she'll realize soon enough what's she's lost


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should put the minor celebrity on cheaterville.com.
Looks like she has cleaned up and got everything she wants by raping your family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Incidentally, did you sleep with that other woman? Did you get her pregnant?

Did you have any other affairs? Maybe this affair of your wife had a revenge affair basis? None of this excuses what your wife did, but understanding how our poor choices can lead to poor choices in others is empowering as it might help us not make poor choices in the future.

How are you and the children?

Any news on outing the OW?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Where is your wife getting money from for airline tickets ?

And if you had a custody order, why is she not charged with violating that order for kidnapping the kids?

Please, listen to your own experience here and realize you need to stand firm here and impose rel consequences for her actions.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You've made quite a turn around AlohaNinja.

Your last post, especially the last three paragraphs should be a mandatory read to any newly betrayed spouse posting here.

Was the court hearing for the restraining order or divorce? the reason I ask is are you able to press charges on your wife for violating the RO?


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> I reckon this is not the last of it. When court date arrives she'll have a sudden change of heart and try to manipulate you again with hopes of false R.
> 
> Good luck to you friend, as much as it hurts you need her out of your life, she'll realize soon enough what's she's lost


I know the first time she came back to run off with the kids was under the banner of reconciliation.



chapparal said:


> You should put the minor celebrity on cheaterville.com.
> Looks like she has cleaned up and got everything she wants by raping your family.


I am looking into doing something like this without exposing myself to a lawsuit. I have been advised to not name her at the moment.



MattMatt said:


> Incidentally, did you sleep with that other woman? Did you get her pregnant?
> 
> Did you have any other affairs? Maybe this affair of your wife had a revenge affair basis? None of this excuses what your wife did, but understanding how our poor choices can lead to poor choices in others is empowering as it might help us not make poor choices in the future.
> 
> ...


This alleged child was conceived long before I ever met my wife. The child is older than my marriage.



Shaggy said:


> Where is your wife getting money from for airline tickets ?
> 
> And if you had a custody order, why is she not charged with violating that order for kidnapping the kids?
> 
> Please, listen to your own experience here and realize you need to stand firm here and impose rel consequences for her actions.


WW claims her mother paid for the tickets. I think that is a load of crap. As it stands now, WW is set to have only supervised visitation, no alimony, and will pay child support to me.



keko said:


> You've made quite a turn around AlohaNinja.
> 
> Your last post, especially the last three paragraphs should be a mandatory read to any newly betrayed spouse posting here.
> 
> Was the court hearing for the restraining order or divorce? the reason I ask is are you able to press charges on your wife for violating the RO?


I got the RO via Ex Parte, no hearing involved. Just submitted a sanitized account of her behavior and the judge awarded it. The upcoming hearing is for the divorce. WW has no lawyer and has avoided being served the court papers. There has been no indication on her part that she will appear in court.

Indeed, violating the RO is a class 3 felony in this state. The problem with that is the DA would not extradite WW for this crime as it is the least severe of felonies. If the authorities grabbed WW out of state, they would release her and put the kids into state custody. I was advised by local authorities that state custody could vary wildly state to state and that it was not a pleasant thing to expose the kids to.
Being that the kids were with their mother, it was not treated as an Amber alert type of scenario. Essentially, I would have had to travel to where the WW was hiding and present the cops there the RO. The locals would then enforce the RO and put the kids into my custody. Luckily, the threat of this to WW and her family pressured her into turning them over to my mother. I can still press charges but WW would have to return to the state first.

The kids are okay for the most part. I had insulated them as much as I could from what was going on. I know from talking to the kids that WW met OW in LA and drove them to a hotel where they waited for WW's mom. Unfortunately during this time, the kids were exposed to a lot of conversation that I feel was inappropriate and I feel that WW and her mother tried to poison them against me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Oh they will poison them for sure. It'll get worse in the future when they truly realize how little they get to see their kids/grand kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

Wow wow wow wow wow wow... goodness Lord me. some women are truly mad. she is going to burn and she will burn so bad from the pain when the reality of it all sets in. Oh my I so feel for her. You handled this very well. Good luck to you and your kids.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

After a while her celebrity OW is not going to want nothing to do with her.. she will find herself homeless, childless to say the least. Oh I can almost see this playing itself out. You dont even need to do anything about it. For when it strikes, she will not know what hit her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It isn't illegal to tell the truth.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I am probably in the minority on TAM. I would not have a problem at all if my wife decided to have a lesbian affair. I wouldn't feel threatened by someone that poses no competition for me. 

BUT having said that, I would have a problem when it would interfere/intersect with my own life; namely her ditching the family to visit her lover 1000 miles away for a month at a time, not to mention the expenses involved. 

It sounds like the OP has been very very patient through all of this, although I would love to hear the WW side of things. I hope everything turns out OK in the end.

However, I'm disturbed by some of the advice here to be vindictive and out the affair to everyone. To be sure, you should present your evidence in a courtroom, if it's relevant to issues of custody or alimony. But there's no benefit to publicly trashing everyone's reputations, especially since this woman is still the mother of your children.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Go ahead and take that chance at R to 0.00%.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What a shame. Once OW dump her - and she will, likely replaced for the next gruppie - she will feel alone and will be back to the island having lost everything.
Hang in there man. Take care of your children.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Theseus said:


> I am probably in the minority on TAM. I would not have a problem at all if my wife decided to have a lesbian affair. I wouldn't feel threatened by someone that poses no competition for me.
> 
> BUT having said that, I would have a problem when it would interfere/intersect with my own life; namely her ditching the family to visit her lover 1000 miles away for a month at a time, not to mention the expenses involved.
> 
> ...


All the more reason to expose this affair.

Its not out of vengeance that an affair should be exposed but a tactic to make the affair inconvenient and uncomfortable to continue.

There is no reason to let the wayward rewrite the marital history and as much damage control the betrayed needs to do with regards to this rewriting of history is a must.

I believe the tactic in exposure has one big benefit and that is exposing this fantasy and the fact that this fantasy is tearing a family apart. 

Its not vengence but asking others for support for the family unit...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know I am jumping in here late. You mentioned the OW was a minor celeb here in the LA area. Is there any way to pressure your WW to stay out of the kids life since the OW might not like her image trashed on TMZ or other media.

I am sorry you are going through all of this. What are you doing to take care of yourself and the kids. Are all of you in IC?

I disagree with Thesus on the A exposure. You will have to deal with your WW's family for the rest of your life. You should have the truth ou there. It is not about being vindictive


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Typical guy stuff..ohh if my wife had a lesbian affair it doesn't matter.. of course it does, lesbians are lesbians for a reason..err they don't want to be with men.

This sexy fantasy of a threesome is so outdated. OP wife is running off with this woman, with the kids no less..what advice should everyone give him? Call the OW negotiate and have a sexy threesome and everybody lives happily every after?

OW=OM no difference. The hurt is the same, the betrayal is the same, manly man or not.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From whatvwe have seen here, one doesn't have to worry about outong a cheater on cheaterville.comm as long as you stick to the truth. Yes one can sue for any reason. The first thing your attorney is going to ask is if what they are saying is true. And then there isthe embarassment of testimony from all the parties.


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## Doyle (Mar 6, 2013)

Man i've never heard anything like this.

Your wife sounds like she's just gone round the bend.
Check in on how the D goes. 

Good luck with it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Keep being there for you kids~you are the stable parent in their lives right now. Reading about your wife's behavior does make me think she has some kind of substance abuse problem; who leaves her kids and doesn't try to even talk to them for weeks. 

Hopefully you are able to focus on them and taking care of what feelings might show up for them now or in the future-abandonment etc. 

Stay strong and you will get through this and come out on top.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> Typical guy stuff..ohh if my wife had a lesbian affair it doesn't matter..
> This sexy fantasy of a threesome is so outdated.


I assume you are referring to me, but I didn't say anything about a threesome.


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## AlohaNinja (Dec 30, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I am probably in the minority on TAM. I would not have a problem at all if my wife decided to have a lesbian affair. I wouldn't feel threatened by someone that poses no competition for me.
> 
> BUT having said that, I would have a problem when it would interfere/intersect with my own life; namely her ditching the family to visit her lover 1000 miles away for a month at a time, not to mention the expenses involved.
> 
> ...


This OW is absolutely a threat to me. This wasn't some one-off sexual experiment that WW felt like she missed out on in her early 20s. WW was at first pretending to be single with no kids. Then WW was exposed (by her own mother, no less) to the OW as being married with two children. I don't know what is wrong with OW to want to continue investing in WW at this point, but they still continue to talk. Now that the cat is out of the bag about the kids and husband, WW starts to introduce OW to the kids over Skype.

Trust me, if she had ever approached me with feelings of sexual curiosity or that she might be homosexual, I would not be here right now and we probably could have figured out how to separate amicably. WW absolutely intended to pursue this OW and then when the moment was right, WW was going to take everything leaving me in the dust. I gave WW ample opportunity to tell me the truth and she refused. WW told me I was pushing her away and all the other lame ass excuses. 

If I had not come here to this forum and researched affairs elsewhere online, I would be F'd in the A right now. Since reading up on the subject, WW has behaved in an almost laughably predictable fashion.


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