# Facing an emotional blur! Help me to see better!



## SimpleMeasures (Nov 23, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for almost three years. We have a 2-year-old son. He has a good job about 1500 miles away from where I live. So we spent most of our married time away from each other. Last year he decided to come join me and our son and try to give it a shot at making a life together. However, he did not even try to look for a job while he was here, blaming on the economy for not having an "ideal" job. He never took our son out to public places except for this ONE playground that he is comfortable of going. He is anti-social and hates my friends. Our quality of life went down to the bottom, and we were both unhappy on most days. The worst thing that came out of this situation is that he started smoking again (after we have had numerous fights over it), lying about smoking, and even smoked in my car where I found ashes all over it. He also started ordering prescription drugs online and showings signs of being addicted to them.

Honestly the whole time that he was here, I wanted him to leave. Well, I wanted him to find a job (any job), not smoke, and not take those awful medicine.. but I am finding out that I am not the one to make those decisions. So then I wanted him to leave...I saw no future with us if he stayed that way. I saw my son being raised by an addict and be destroyed...

Now his old job needed him so he went away about a month ago. During this month, he only called once. I've been talking to his father about our situation, and I expressed to him that I did not want my husband to come back. So today, the news came that he will not be coming back this coming week. He will come get his belongings in about a month and leave for good.

At this moment I feel a lot of hurt for no good reasons. Are we really going to be finished? Just like this? It feels like I have not tried enough, but am I being unfair to say that the ball is in HIS court? I feel hurt but don't know why or what to do at this point. Anyone out there that could offer any insight and support?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

If my wife said she didn't want me back, especially if she did it through my father, I wouldn't come back. 

Can't you guys communicate directly? Tell him what you want, if it is not too late.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Considering you told him that you didn't want him to come back, why are you surprised that he feels things are over? If you want to even try to work things out, that should be the message you send. 

You mention that he has a good job 1500 miles away from where you live. Why do you live 1500 miles away from where he has a good job? Have you looked for a job in that area? Even under the best of circumstances, a long distance marriage like that would be a challenge. Trying to reconcile a troubled marriage seems like a recipe for disaster, to be honest. How long was he back "home"?

Reminds me of one of my co-workers... She spent years in a job that kept her travelling. She'd be home one weekend a month, and on the road the rest of the time. When the time came to quit that job and work locally, their marriage lasted about 6 months.

Oh, and I'd agree that communicating through anyone is not really a good idea. I'd be pretty ticked about hearing that from anyone, much less my dad.

C


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## SimpleMeasures (Nov 23, 2010)

THANK YOU both very much for your much needed insights. After writing my post yesterday, I started reading other stories on here. Strangely, this forum has opened up my eyes in many ways that I never came across in my little world. I started to see that I am not alone, marriage is indeed very hard work! Somehow this helps me putting things in perspective. Then last night, I decided to write a letter that I will probably never send to him. 

As I wrote everything down, I realized how and when things started to go down for us, and that our communication got completely shut down (hence the reason why I had to speak to his father). We reached a point where we can't talk rationally without pointing fingers and feeling hurt on both sides. We lost our friendship somewhere in time. I also realize yes I could try and talk to him one more time, yes I probably could compromise on him smoking, and may be even try to understand about his needs for prescriptions drugs...yes if we were living a perfect world, he would see my points and understand them, and will be willing to change for a better life together. But as I can recall from every single argument of ours, he is INCAPABLE of loving someone else other than himself. Not even his own son, who he declares that he loves so much. Selfishness IS his incurable disease. *How do you get a selfish person to see outside of himself?* How do you get someone to grow up when they don't want to? I feel so powerless, and therefore, even though I am hurt that he is not coming back, I know it is the best option available for me. Deep down I know this and perhaps that is why I told his father.


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