# everythings a mess



## itsallmyfault (Sep 18, 2010)

first, this is all my fault. i cheated on my wife early on in our marriage and never admitted it...she knew about it but couldnt get me to confess...even though i stopped the cheating and tried to fix things...i couldnt bring myself to admit id done wrong by her even though i knew she knew...id just hang my head in shame and silence when asked. she told me admitting it would do good for us, but i couldnt i just knew if i admitted it shed leave. i thought time would heal all wounds and after enough good times it would be forgotten...if not forgiven. 

then one day after we were married 8 years and several years since my infidelity i got sick and was diagnosed with hiv...full blwn aids. i admitted id cheated in the hospital and she told me she hated me and walked out. afew days later she asked me to come home for our daughter..and told me she still loved me and needed me...i went home and tried to do everything i could to fix what id broken. we still fought and it took months before we could look eachother in the eye at times...but things got better...we communicated better than we ever had and even had intimacy although she never would allow intercourse even with a condom, i understood, and as long as i could be with her i told her i would forgo inercourse the rest of my life, if she could be satisfied with what we did do sexually....mutual maturbation and i would perform oral on her (no risk or negligible risk) i took my medications and for 1.5 years have had an undetectable viral load...meaning there would be little or no risk of transmission even via unprotected sex and basically no risk with condom use...i never pressed it but showed her the research and studies and asked her to read it...she said she did but couldnt feel comfortable doing it with me no matter what the risk...i understood and dropped the subject, asking if she was satisfied with what pleasure i could give her and she said yes.

well a month ago she told me she didnt want to try and forgive me anymore and there was someone else she was having sex with and alluded to having had another affair with a mutual friend for some time....at first she said she was leaving and took some stuff with her and left me and our daughter and her adult son who lives with us whiile hes in college and disappeared...

come to find out the guy shes seeing has a criminal record, is or was an iv drug user, and has family violence chrges in his past (assaulted his mother aggravated assault with a deadly weapon on a family memeber with bodily injury later reduceed to a lesser charge because the mom didnt press charges 


anyway my point with that was she is taking up with someone who cannot be around our daughter so why is she even pursuing this relationship anyway? 

i find out she picked our daughter up from school one day with him and i blew my lid...i told her to get out and stay out if she was going to have such poor judgement and so she left...after a weekend i started to realize i was in no position to raise an 8 yr old girl by myself and didnt even want to tell her her mommy was gone...i got my wife to come home and we agreed not to bring her around other boyfriends etc until it was necessary (ie long term) and she would live at home coming and going as she pleases...she would take kid to school and pick her up and stay until she was asleep then she could go wherever until morning...if it ever happened she wasnt gonna make it home in time for schoool just let me know....


bad idea. i spent the next 2 weeks with her rolling in at 7 am or calling me at 6:30 and dropping kid off at school...staying gone til i left for work and leaving when i got home...on weekends i watched her pack a weekend bag and didnt see her til monday morning... i realized i was trying to hold on to our relationship and asked her if there was any hope...she wouldnt answer...but said she wanted to keep doing what she was doing and i needed to give her space...so i did...hoping it was a midlife crisis or thinking this might be what she needs to finally forgive me...ill stand by her like she did me when i was being unfaithful and wait and see....

a month has gone by and im tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself and decided i needed to let her go...let go of our relationship...if its meant to be shell come back etc etc...


i told her this and she didnt respond...basically acted like it didnt happen...

she still would come to me for money...gas etc...basically expecting me to act like her husband when she no longer acted like my wife.

i told her look...you have a job u make 2/3 what i make and i pay all the bills...all your money you spend however you want and come and go as you please...but im not going to fix your car or buy your gas etc...

she is wasting all her money on new clothes, gambling, living the single life going out etc....and never has a penny when she comes home...

she says i am her husband and i need to give her gas money to get the kid to school...fix her car so the kid rides in a car that runs well...i remind her she makes enough to do that she has no bills at all no rent....but she expects me to pay for all this'


i told her let xxxx pay for your stuff your his problem now not mine.

she told me if i was his wife he would...

i siad to be precise marry him leave him for someone else and find out then....nobody would do what you expect.

in any event he lives with his mom and is 42 yrs olod with no job...he couldnt even if he wanted to...im sure some of her money goes on him as well....

she says because of what i did and my having hiv i am punishing her every day and owe this to her....

i disagree i think i we her as long as we are trying to work things out but if shes gone thats it....

am i nuts? do i owe her? when will i be punished enough...everything we argue about ends up with its my fault because i cheated and got hiv....

if she cannot forgive me i can ACCEPT but then she has to move on....and i will try to as well...

amm i off base here?


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I will say you are NOT off base-You cheated 8 years ago correct? It looks to me that she chose to stay with you, knowing you cheated, and is now trying to use what you did to justify what she is doing... None of this is healthy for those poor innocent children, and the boyfriends criminal history is more than a little scary... 

Sounds to me that she is only sticking around for the roof over her head and the money you are giving her. I would definitely separate. Give her a taste of life without you. Take the KIDS! I know it's hard dealing with children, but just think of what might happen to them? You both have children and it is time for her to grow and except responsibility for her life.

She has known you cheated for 8 years, and I am glad she chose to stick by you (however I do understand her not wanting to have sex with you no matter what the statistics say), but SHE made the choice to "stay" so it doesn't give her the right to walk all over you. It's like the old saying goes, "Two wrongs don't make a right"...She has no excuse for her behavior and should be woman enough to leave if she doesn't want to be with you anymore.


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