# What is happening here?



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
I'm in very complex situation. My mother in low and my husband are very close...She is very pushy with me and she wants from me to be perfect wife for my husband. She is to much controlling, manipulative person. She is laying a lot. And If I wont to do something and she is not agree with that she is starting to manilypate with all member of the family-Final result SHE Wants CONTROL!!! And that is really scary!
And also I have a problem with my husband-He is worshipped by his mother. He have problems with giving love....
And the most important problem: He hav sexual problems. We are intimate maybe 1 in two months???
What is nappening here? 
What kind is this conection between mother and son?


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

He is a momma's boy and it's very difficult to get someone like this to "man up" and take responsibility for his new wife and family. His mother will always come first...

As for the sexual problems, not sure what is happening there for you or what isn't or why, too vague to know...

Sounds like your relationship is having some trouble and if you force him to choose between you and his mother, you will most likely lose.

If it's possible you should sit down with him, either with a counselor or without and try and work out some kind of compromise where he is giving his mother the attention she needs as well as giving you the attention you need.

The sex issues could be a result of resentment of you because he may feel like you are making him choose between his mother and you...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
Thank you for your replay.
I’m having the same concerns! And I do think that our sexual problems are connected with his mom.
He doesn’t wont to go to counseling , he thinks that everything is ok.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

A lot of people have communication issues about things like this, I don't know if you have tried to sit down and have an open discussion with him or even if he is receptive to doing so but usually the case is, they aren't going to listen.

Try writing a letter about how you feel and what your perspective is, where you think there is room for improvement from him and from you...what you think the issues are and what might be acceptable compromise. Most importantly, don't be acusatory, it's a lot more difficult than you might think. Make sure to reread and edit if you find something that sounds like you are blaming him...

Ask him not to respond verbally but to put it on paper using the same guidelines that you had to use...he might find it silly and not want to go through with it...just gently approach him with it's important to you and it's important to the marriage...if he values the marriage, then it should be easy for him.

If he doesn't, then you may want to consider an exit strategy...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

I feel sorry for you. After dealing with a controlling mother-in-law for 20 something years, I can assure you it isn't going to get better. Either you reconcile yourself to living with it, or you leave. After what I went through, I would RUN. Your son has been greatly influenced by HER throughout his life. There are some psychological disorders relating to this and they aren't easy to fix.


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Check out the movie Not easily Broken it is a great movie on this very topic. I am so sorry this has to be a hard thing to deal with. Maybe the movie will help?


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

Sometimes I do really need to run from this situation, because very often I don’t know what is happening with both of them sometimes.
I try to speak with my husband, but he is always without answer!

I had serious conversation with him. And I ask him what example he will be one day for our kids? Independent man how is with his family (wife and children) or insecure man? And he was without answer like always.


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

Question for Country girl: What kind of psychological disorders did you mean?
Something happened to me also: My biggest wish was to have children…but now with this situation I’m afraid to have kids, especially with this controlling situation. I’m afraid that my mother in law she will control me how I raise her grandchildren, not my children!? 
I’m afraid so much for this entire situation…I have a fear inside me,and every morning I feel fear and like my heart is cold?
Well I will try to find that movie….and I will try that will writing on the papers like JDPreacher told me…


----------



## Kylie (Apr 25, 2009)

My mother in law and sister in law are both controlling. I am happy to have moved to another country. Back when we were living with the in laws things were like hell. Even now they have so much influence, its unbelievable. When i had my first baby i had to actually argue with my mother in law to breast feed my own baby. She would always say bottle feed the baby and even sometimes give water to the baby in a bottle when she knew i didnt like it! This behaviour caused so many problems and she always told tall tales about me to my husband. I think some of the reason why our marriage is a failure is because of this. My in laws had so much influence in their daughters marriage that her husband has divorced her! He had enough of them humiliating him with their "know it all" attitude. My inlaws have humiliated and insulted me lots of times & my husband has never taken my side, infact he also insulted me right along with them! he too is a momma's boy. It really makes me sick.


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

As for the psychological disorders relating to this I'm not sure on specifics; I believe most of them are grouped under the narcissistic category. I learned a lot from a couple of counselors. Both counselors told me a large part of our adult behavior is learned from our mothers. For example, my mother-in-law is very compulsive about some things. So is her son. She is controlling (& subtle with it). So is her son. My mother was very tight with money. So am I. Both counselors told me to have a good look at prospective mother-in-laws, if I get the urge to marry again. That's why I was told these behaviors are very hard to correct as a person ages--they have been programmed at a very early age. Please wait on having children. This mess will only get messier. I've been there--TO HELL ON EARTH.

Good luck!


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

I will need lots of luck!!!And I also have sister in low-she knows everything! 

But yes I’m in hell…big hell..and I do think that is narcissistic personality-problem.

He is struggling with himself, I know that - but his mother she is always around him and she will not let him go, to be with me in normal way.
I love him a lot, he is really god men. He is scared, confused. And my mother and sister in low they using them-he is to goodhearted man.
I’m so disappointed and depressed. I love him so much, but he can not understand how much this situation is painful for me. He is raised like that and it’s too much influence. 
She will fight until end.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

There's nothing you can do about this situation if he's not willing to change it and set up boundaries with his mother and tell her that he must be a man and be with his family.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, I would leave if I were you. You are right to be afraid to have a child with him. It will only get worse with a grandchild in the picture.

How long have you been married? Get out while you can. You will love someone else. And now you know what to look out for next time so you don't find the same situation.


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Funny post,

She wants you to be your husband mamma.

Try marrying a tradiional italian girl, I sought of got my mother in lAW.


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

I’m married from October last year. From day one I have problems with her. Yes we are newlyweds but I don’t feel like that.
And the bad situation is we live together…The plan was to be with his parent’s 5-6 moths until we found our place, but now plans different.
We wont to go to rent something, but his parents specially his mom are against that now.
My husband he wants to go, but I’m not sure that if we go to another place , that I will be save from her…
One relative of my husband told me that my mother in law suffered a lot from her mother in law and they lived together. Her mother in law vas “boss in the house”, and too much attached to her son (now my father in low).
And how look what she is doing to me?
I think that she wants for me to suffer like she suffered when she vas young.
I heard that she vas crying to her daughter, other relatives that she doesn’t like the idea that her son will live in rented house. That will be too hard for him.
But my husband he wants to go out from this house, but now…I’m not ready for this step…. Because it we will be BIG DRAMA! 
I’m not sure that I have energy for all this.
How is my life in this house? 
I feel like I’m in army to learn perfect cleaning, cooking and everything to be GOD daughter in law.
She is checking me about everything: What I’m doing in front of computer, what I’m reading, how I look….
She is tooomuch protective over her shildren...


----------



## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sorry but it ain't going to get better! Either learn to love this or leave. You can't CHANGE people.


----------



## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Tell him to choose either you or his mom. If he chooses mom, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't see you as their #1?


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

Hi,
Thanks for your replays. They do really help me to realize some things. And yes – I can not change people.
On Sunday I try to talk with my husband and that conversation end really bad and we don't speak this week.
He doesn’t understand that, that is sad part. I’m married for 6 months and I feel miserable, unhappy.


----------



## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

I think you need to start thinking about what it will cost you to leave and compare it to the cost of staying. I would choose the cheaper path, especially while you have no children!
And yes, there are what over 6 billion humans in the world. Of this, a big portion consists of unmarried good men looking for good women to marry. Yes! Contrary to popular belief you can find and "fall-in-love" with a new good man-husband!

Just a tip I use about the in-law issue for your future: I made a pact with my spouse such that if my mom or dad coerced/insisted their way on her, she is to simply say that I specifically instructed her to do it a certain way. Then they will surely back off.


----------



## newmember (Apr 24, 2009)

And yes I’m afraid from my mother in law and, my sister in low…Because they are jealous, frustrated and manipulative.
The costs are BIG… I left my country to be with him. That is a big problem also. Returning home… with no money, no work, is not easy.
But staying with this family is bad for me,
I have problems with my husband also…communication and intimacy. 
This is lose-lose situation and encouragements like yours are welcome 
THANKS again !!!!


----------

