# Married Men, how do you face the monthly drought?



## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Hey guys

I am working through all sorts of stuff in my marriage and life. My wife of 18 years dropped a bomb on us 6 months ago with a month long cyber affair, and drinking/flirting behavior. My "sweet" wife turned to some addictions and turned our lives upside down.

Since then, we're all out in the open. With counseling we both discovered codependence making a mess of our lives and we've been working to clean it up. Both of us have lost weight, re-invigorated our interesting selves, cleaned up our addictions and sloppiness, etc. I was also abusing internet pornography as a way to medicate myself with my wife's diminished interest in me - I have stopped. This is good stuff - it saved our marriage.

One thing we're working on is sexuality. We were typically making love 2X per cycle. Very little variety, somewhat boring, but usually "successful" where we both had "release" and were satisfied. Since fixing things up, I have become incredibly attracted to my wife and through running, diet, and mental health (quitting drinking) I have awakened my libido. We have made love more times per cycle, last month I can't even count them, maybe 4,5,6? Something like that. Some good, some not, but a real marked increase in our intimacy.

One challenge I have now is that her cycle is brutal. For about 5-7 days before it starts, she's PMSey and is not really interested. She menstruates for about 5-7 days and is not interested in sex of any sort, even overall intimacy is down (hugging/kissing, etc). She never, ever offers any sort of relief for me, and seems put upon if I ever ask. My solution before was masturbation in the shower (so-so) or to porn when I was alone (bad). I no longer watch porn, and try not to masturbate, except when I cannot take it anymore (maybe 1x a week during no sex times). 

The long and short of it is that there are stretches of 2-3 weeks where I am a mess. She limits hugs/kissing because she does not want sex. If she were to offer me oral or a hand release I would be so appreciative ( I would even try vaginal sex during her period too). I have asked and was shot down angrily. There is some sexual trauma there that she is working through, but it still leaves me incredibly unfulfilled for several weeks a month. I would love to smooth these peaks and valleys out!

I am an incredibly giving lover, I would do this for her every day if I was unable to perform for her. I admit that some resentment grows during these weeks each month. So, how do you guys handle this?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> I have asked and was shot down angrily.


Dude she cheated on you.

Which means she did not or does not respect you.

You can't let her shoot you down angrily or otherwise.

It's one thing for her to not be up for sex and another for her to disrespect you like that.

You have to stand up to her and demand respect otherwise she will just cheat again.

Also trying to depend on her exclusively for release is another bad idea imo. Just makes you weaker and gives her more cards to use against you.

Why should you be limited to one orgasm per week in the shower just because she no longer finds you attractive and had an affair. You know that your sexual performance would be better if you had more orgasms right? At least 3 per week.

She had an affair and you had to give up porn because of it? 

You sound like a total doormat.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks for the reply East2West - hard advice, but perhaps I didn’t give out enough detail to make enough sense of it. I appreciate you reading along. This isn't your simple "she cheated" thing - she had 3-4 addictions stacked up as part of her traumas. This cyber affair was one of them. Drinking a bottle of wine a night was another. She's being treated for both.

The Cyber affair was an emotional affair, no sex not even an in-person visit, it was born, lived and died on facebook - I discovered it. I consider it cheating and I have some pain over it still. 

Now I CHOSE to give up porn. I'm in my mid 40's and it was a shameful thing, and it was a way of me disassociating her from my sex life. If I could get racy porn every day, why even try with a real person? This is working.

I know it sounds like me being a doormat, there was a TOTAL confrontation, including me moving out and MANY hours in front of a MC. It was some serious sh*t. What you are reading is how we are trying to reconcile after this. This isn't a 1 year relationship, we have been married 20 years and have two sons - a lot at stake.

I'm working through "progress not perfection" and we're making it. She has had a tough time with sex (victim of rape in her early years) throughout her life and she is getting trauma counseling over it. This is why I don’t push too hard about her period times.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> Thanks for the reply East2West - hard advice, but perhaps I didn’t give out enough detail to make enough sense of it. I appreciate you reading along. *This isn't your simple "she cheated" thing *- she had 3-4 addictions stacked up as part of her traumas. This cyber affair was one of them. Drinking a bottle of wine a night was another. She's being treated for both.
> 
> The Cyber affair was an emotional affair, no sex not even an in-person visit, it was born, lived and died on facebook - I discovered it. I consider it cheating and I have some pain over it still.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is.

Go read the Coping With Infidelity section of this message board. Plenty of men and women over there who have had to deal with an affair while also dealing with a spouse who has some other issues, often involved childhood sexual abuse or something else very tramatic. 

While those things are bad and hard to deal with, you can't let her off the hook by saying it's ok she had an affair since she also had these other issues 'stacked up' against her. There are millions of people with problems stacked up against them, they don't all deal with them in destructive ways.

Call her on her ****. It is ok if she's not up for sex for 2-3 weeks at a time. It's not working for you though, so she should be willing to discuss a compromise. Not be forced to do something, just talk about it. For her to get mad because you are asking for a BJ or whatever is wrong. She doesn't have to give you one if she doesn't want, but for her to get mad about asking for one is wrong as well.

Try reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life. Lot's of guys here have had success with these books. I'm not calling you a wuss or anything, but it does sound like you need to man up a bit here. It also sounds like you have done so a bit already, so keep at it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has this been brought up in counseling?


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks Kingsfan. I went through a huge recovery process. I am working very hard with a therapist that specializes in these addictions and he provided me a great deal of counseling to get me through to being there for myself and my kids.

This 2-3 week off behavior is really nothing new from her, this is just the way it's been done for 20 years, which is why I am not jumping to change EVERYthing all at once. We have made some serious progress, and I am very vigilant with her. We discuss what happened and continue to keep it alive, I assure you I have not forgotten how I felt that night. I may seem calm and like I need to man up but this is a settling down after a VERY hard and painful reaction. 

I am reading married man's now btw, enjoying it.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Has this been brought up in counseling?


Yes, but I will re-address tomorrow. Thank you.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Yes, it is.
> 
> While those things are bad and hard to deal with,* you can't let her off the hook by saying it's ok she had an affair since she also had these other issues 'stacked up' against her*. There are millions of people with problems stacked up against them, they don't all deal with them in destructive ways.


Thanks again - just noticed this. I assure everyone I didn’t let her off the hook. It was brutal. However, here we are 6 months later, and we had to do something to move forward. I have not forgiven her formally - I am still working through it. 

As for me, I am working on being the best man I can be for myself - if she and other women notice that's fine too  I've lost another 30 lbs, run/work out. I dress and eat 100% better. I see friends, engage my hobbies, I am in a men's support group and CODA group. I've never looked better or felt better. I could open the door now and run 10 miles, vs. maybe 1 a year ago. So, I am working on changing me as well as what I want from her.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You need some help in the infidelity forums.

For now try weight training instead of running. Then start working on your wifes respect for you issues.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> The long and short of it is that there are stretches of 2-3 weeks where I am a mess.


Something is very wrong if your wife's cycle, no matter how rough, is robbing you of half to three quarters of a months worth of sex.



She either needs to go to a specialist and have a battery of tests done to pinpoint the problem, or she's lying to you and using her period as an excuse to avoid having sex with you.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Something is very wrong if your wife's cycle, no matter how rough, is robbing you of half to three quarters of a months worth of sex.
> 
> 
> 
> She either needs to go to a specialist and have a battery of tests done to pinpoint the problem, or she's lying to you and using her period as an excuse to avoid having sex with you.


There you go  Remember we're no spring chickens, I'm 44 and she's 42. Our bodies don’t work as they used to. She's still "spotting" right up until she lets me back in. I think this grosses her our, but I *don't* care and have told her that. I think she wants to see days clear. I think she also waits for her ovulation push to find it compelling.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> There you go  Remember we're no spring chickens, I'm 44 and she's 42. Our bodies don’t work as they used to. She's still "spotting" right up until she lets me back in. I think this grosses her our, but I *don't* care and have told her that. I think she wants to see days clear. I think she also waits for her ovulation push to find it compelling.


First off, you're hardly old.

Secondly you said just a few posts back:

*"This 2-3 week off behavior is really nothing new from her, this is just the way it's been done for 20 years..."
*
So I'm confused as to why you're blaming her highly unusual period problems on her being 42 when, according to you, she's been this way since she was 22.

Her "spotting" still doesn't explain why she's antagonistic against sex for 2-3 weeks out of the month, and won't engage in non-vaginal sex with you.

Something doesn't fit. She's either got a physical problem, or she's over using her period to avoid sex with you at least half of the month, at minimum, and has been doing so since Bill Clinton first took office.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

She's avoiding sex with you like jaquen says.

Also there doesn't have to be a monthly drought.

In my house its just a monthly spike in the number of towels in the laundry.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Lol, well, some good date math there Jaquen, thanks for the reality check.

I have the unfortunate habit of choosing birds with broken wings as my mate, I am addressing this now. The truth is that she was very damaged. There's a lot of trauma there, and I must admit, I try to make excuses to protect her. That’s my problem and my MO.

I'll say that you are probably spot on here, thanks fro the clarity. 



> Something doesn't fit. She's either got a physical problem, or she's over using her period to avoid sex with you at least half of the month, at minimum, and has been doing so since Bill Clinton first took office.


I say give the man (or woman) a cigar. She is a love avoidant type, classically. I tend more toward the love addict, a bit over romantic and obsessive. I'll bet she uses this as a control point with which to avoid intimacy, or hell, even sex with me. I think she rounds it to her favor, just as I may have rounded it to my favor. You are dead on about the non vaginal sex, that is a no go, unless we are being sexual to begin with. I'll be meeting with my therapist tomorrow, this is some good food for thought. Thank you!:iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am 48 and would NEVER deprive my husband of my body for 3 weeks out of every 4. And if he deprived me of his he'd be liable to find me having my way with him in his sleep.


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## mhg's-wife (Dec 6, 2012)

:iagree:

42 is hardly over the hill. I'm 44, have been seriously abused previously, have never had "regular" periods, but still have always actively engaged in sex with my husband. 
Sex during period time can have benefits...orgasms help with cramps etc. 
I personally don't find sex during my period disgusting or gross, and if there is a time occasionally when I just don't feel up to it, there are always other ways to give my husband pleasure. And myself.
Two or three weeks with no sex would just about kill my husband, period or no period.
He gets antsy if it's been longer than half a day 

Having her period shouldn't stop your wife WANTING to engage with you. Even just for cuddles etc. You don't have to have an urge to have sex, to want love, affection, closeness. 
I would be asking myself the question, does she actually want to have sex and can't, or is it an excuse to avoid being with you.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I am 48 and would NEVER deprive my husband of my body for 3 weeks out of every 4. And if he deprived me of his he'd be liable to find me having my way with him in his sleep.


I would trade a lot for that kind of comfort - this attitude is on my list if I'm ever back on the market. Good on you and good for him!


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

mhg's-wife said:


> :iagree:
> Having her period shouldn't stop your wife WANTING to engage with you. Even just for cuddles etc. You don't have to have an urge to have sex, to want love, affection, closeness.
> I would be asking myself the question, does she actually want to have sex and can't, or is it an excuse to avoid being with you.


The work we're doing as a couple has it steadily improving. It's really much better. I guess I wonder if I am chasing the last 20% here. last month we made love rapid fire, maybe 6 nights. It was good for many of those. I know my wife's abuse history comes into play, but there needs to be a time when I don’t want to have such an impediment. 

The other thing people may be overlooking is just libido. I have always had a very high libido. Her's was always low, to the point that I brought her her first orgasm when we got together in our mid 20s. There is also the possibility that she's just not that into it (or into me). I am not afraid to say it, but I just wish I could get a true answer so I can plan the rest of my life.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> I guess I wonder if I am chasing the last 20% here.


Expecting sex more than 1-2 weeks out of any given month is not "chasing the last 20% here".

"Chasing the last 20%" would be you having a great sexual life, and a great wife, but leaving her because she won't do anal sex with you. Or stepping out on your marriage because some other woman has bigger knockers, shapelier legs, or bakes a better pecan pie.

You're making too many excuses for her, and justifying serious problems in your marriage. Regardless of what your wive's background is, in case you haven't noticed:

Her attitude about sex SUCKS.
Her attitude about your libido SUCKS.
Her attitude about intimacy SUCKS.
Her attitude about fidelity SUCKS.



tazbo12 said:


> The other thing people may be overlooking is just libido. I have always had a very high libido. Her's was always low, to the point that I brought her her first orgasm when we got together in our mid 20s. There is also the possibility that she's just not that into it (or into me). I am not afraid to say it, but I just wish I could get a true answer so I can plan the rest of my life.


Your wife's libido sure was reveled up enough to have a six month affair.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Jaquen, I appreciate your comments. I agree.

It was a 1 month cyber or emotional affair, 6 months ago, just to clarify. Her libido had nothing to do with it, it was total facebook fantasy, a guy friend that lured her into some chats. Don’t get me wrong, that should have been me, I am very upset over it.

We're working with a trauma therapist - this is more serious than I can get into here I guess. She popped off 3-4 addictions during a stressful time and made a big mess with all of them. This cyber affair was one of them.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

During those few days a month when I know we aren't going to be doing anything intimate, I know it is safe to take care of it myself and not have to worry whether she will want it later that night.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Her attitude about sex SUCKS.
> Her attitude about your libido SUCKS.
> Her attitude about intimacy SUCKS.
> Her attitude about fidelity SUCKS.


Yes, as I have represented her behavior to you here, you are correct. But remember, this isn't dial-a-date, this is marriage with kids, house, a small business, dogs, etc. If I were shopping for a new mate I would not do it this way again!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

tazbo12 said:


> There you go  Remember we're no spring chickens, I'm 44 and she's 42. Our bodies don’t work as they used to. She's still "spotting" right up until she lets me back in. I think this grosses her our, but I *don't* care and have told her that. I think she wants to see days clear. I think she also waits for her ovulation push to find it compelling.


Even if she's spotting down there, her hands and her mouth aren't spotting, are they?

I'm not a spring chicken either and I'm a mom with a full-time job outside the home. You are making too many excuses for her.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

You see, Coffee, I am with you. For some reason sex if she's not getting it, is off limits. I don’t know if this is from abusive or overly dominant men in her past that had high expectations. Let me tell you that I feel like I've gained so much ground I almost feel wrong asking for more. I will cover a lot of what you all said tomorrow.

I would, without anything for myself, love to satisfy my wife for no good reason except she's there and I love her, and enjoy it. But, I think many of the posters here are in a good spot vs. a pickle - in other words I suspect the vocal majority is more of the side of normal or high libido people. Some of my peers get sex once a month if they're lucky.

I am working on the frequency, and I think we've made progress. Maybe some other areas can be tweaked, I don't know.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> Her libido had nothing to do with it, it was total facebook fantasy,


An emotional affair is a sexual affair that hasn't been consummated yet. Do you really imagine that your wife was involved in this EA and it somehow managed to bypass her sexuality?



tazbo12 said:


> Yes, as I have represented her behavior to you here, you are correct. But remember, this isn't dial-a-date, this is marriage with kids, house, a small business, dogs, etc. If I were shopping for a new mate I would not do it this way again!


I'm just trying to get you to see what's right in front of your eyes, and acknowledge what you deserve.

You keep on diminishing your own needs, and making excuses for her horrendous mistakes. I'm not even sure whether you see that clearly, or not.

You do deserve sex more than 25%-50% of the year. You definitely deserve to not have your need for sex treated like a nuisance, or a threat. You also deserve to be told the truth, which your wife is not doing.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Even if she's spotting down there, her hands and her mouth aren't spotting, are they?
> 
> I'm not a spring chicken either and I'm a mom with a full-time job outside the home. You are making too many excuses for her.


I love that you said that. I got quite the ration of **** for saying the same thing a while back. I don't remember who I ticked off, but I basically asked "is her mouth bleeding"? and got jumped on pretty good. lol so I just wanted to comment that I liked your comment.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

jaquen said:


> An emotional affair is a sexual affair that hasn't been consummated yet. Do you really imagine that your wife was involved in this EA and it somehow managed to bypass her sexuality?


 no I know this - you should have heard my arguments. Our therapist and she has begged me to see it differently, as an addiction. Call it what you will, it was still an affair and betrayal to me, and not one day goes by that I don’t think about it.



jaquen said:


> I'm just trying to get you to see what's right in front of your eyes, and acknowledge what you deserve.
> You keep on diminishing your own needs, and making excuses for her horrendous mistakes. I'm not even sure whether you see that clearly, or not.


This. This is codependency, and I am riddled with it. At this point I'm counseled to move slowly and carefully, and I have seen improvement. We don’t all get what we deserve or want. My goal is to get closer to it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So basically there's only one week a month when she is affectionate and sexual?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> So basically there's only one week a month when she is affectionate and sexual?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, it's that at worst. At best, maybe a little more. Not making excuses, but she has a seasonal job, among other things. I seem to be doing fine with my challenges, but her somewhat lacking life skills puts her in trouble when the going gets tough. This means she's stressed, unhappy, whatever, which results in why I posted to begin with.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> Hey guys
> 
> I am working through all sorts of stuff in my marriage and life. My wife of 18 years dropped a bomb on us 6 months ago with a month long cyber affair, and drinking/flirting behavior. My "sweet" wife turned to some addictions and turned our lives upside down.
> 
> ...


How do we handle what? You get sex more than 5 times a month - try getting it 4-5 times a year. Just hold out for a couple of weeks how hard can that be? Just read some is the articles here - the forum should be called 'sex not in marriage'.

My wife told me over a year ago - ooo, ooooh!, we need to out out marriage first and foremost - so I changed dramatically giving her everything she asked. She gave sex regularly for one month then quit it. When I brought it up she said 'how can you expect me to just fall into place'. That makes me think what if she started giving sex regularly for over a year and I did nothing in return - and then if she brought it up that I am slacking and my reply was 'you can't expect me to fall into place' she'd have exploded with rage. So my advice to you is be happy with what you got!

My wife also has trauma from the past but refuses to do anything about it. You are on the right path - just think about the fact that you are on the right path and don't push it or you'll mess it up and derail...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi Kendelmintcake

How do we handle what?
-> a damaged / sexually repressed spouse that begrudgingly and at her own whim meters out her sexuality and physical intimacy without care or concerns for her husband.

5-6 times a month, except when making babies (12 years ago), was a new high. Its more like 2 and was 2-3 on average before her EA and all the counseling and work that came through after it. We also did a 90 day celibacy agreement after this all happened to take sex out of the equation to good effect.

This thread wasn't intended to be a whine session, but it has become one - here I am at 4:30am not feeling too great about myself and all I've tried to do. I feel for you, your love life sounds similar to a few friends of mine. I do feel the wheels have become unstuck and we're getting traction, which is why I am taking care to build on what was already hard won vs. dropping a bomb and packing my bags. If we were dating, there would be smoke coming off my shoes as I ran away. However, there are a lot of people and things depending upon us to make this work.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

tazbo12 said:


> Jaquen, I appreciate your comments. I agree.
> 
> It was a 1 month cyber or emotional affair, 6 months ago, just to clarify. *Her libido had nothing to do with it,* it was total facebook fantasy, a guy friend that lured her into some chats. Don’t get me wrong, that should have been me, I am very upset over it.
> 
> We're working with a trauma therapist - this is more serious than I can get into here I guess. She popped off 3-4 addictions during a stressful time and made a big mess with all of them. This cyber affair was one of them.


Bull Shiznit.

Ask any woman around here, sex for women is most often a mental thing, not a physical thing. men can be ready at the drop of a hat, women need to be brought into the mood, hence the flowers, dinners, out, compliments, pursuing, etc. men do. To get into a woman's pants, you got to get into her mind first. That's why, in my opinion, EA's are more meaningful to a woman than PA's are. I bet your wife got more out of that 1 month EA than she would have in a 6 month PA. 



KendalMintcake said:


> How do we handle what? You get sex more than 5 times a month - try getting it 4-5 times a year. Just hold out for a couple of weeks how hard can that be? Just read some is the articles here - the forum should be called 'sex not in marriage'.


Wow.

So if you're starving to death, and the guy next to you is just slowly starving to death he should stop *****ing and man up?

The typical marriage has sex roughly 2x a week, this man is having sex 5-6 a month, so he's already below that average, and that sex comes mostly in a one week stretch, meaning 75% of each month he's sexless. This is after going two decades on getting sex 2-3 times a month (not counting the fun time of making babies). 

Your sex life might suck, but no matter how you slice it this guy has a right to be unhappy about his as well.


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Kings, I appreciate your viewpoint. I am working to put this behind me with healing, which is maybe why my generalities seem off. I agree with you - I told my mens group that a physical one night affair would been easier to write off with the all the drinking she was doing. I was unfortunate enough to find her entire set of chat logs, and I can't tell you how emasculating that was. What I can tell you from what I read was that although she was a willing participant, and she definitely got hooked on the attention, I saw her buck his advances. She said, no call, no in-person, no I don’t want to know you're touching yourself now. Could/would she have kept it up? Could it have turned into a full blown affair? I think so, and even though she says it would not have, I am treating it as such. Its taking me a lot to pick myself up from this. I know I sound like a doormat, but this is me trying to find forgiveness and escape the misery of wondering what each day will bring.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Is your wife in a 12 step program? maybe she needs that to cope with the addictions and stress.

My gut tells me that she has a hormonal imbalance. Or she uses her period as an excuse. 
If she has that many problems she needs to talk to an endo or OB/GYN. 
If her flow is very heavy and she wants it stop, she can drink organic apple cider vinegar in water every day. I swear by the stuff. I tried everything after mine started to get really bad (I'm 41). I noticed a difference the first month and by month three it was like I had a different body. Probably one third of what it used to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tazbo12 (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks Diwali123

Yes, we both are - I'm in CODA and she's had her 5 month anniversary in AA. My point in mentioning this is that we're really working at all this. It may seem black and white to some, but we're both taking it very seriously. If she didn’t I would have really been much more skeptical.

I'm more thinking the period is working as an excuse. She's pushed people away her whole life and has built up quite an arsenal. 

I may have forgotten to list some of her strong qualities, but maybe it's too late! I always fall for the ones that are trouble.





diwali123 said:


> Is your wife in a 12 step program? maybe she needs that to cope with the addictions and stress.
> 
> My gut tells me that she has a hormonal imbalance. Or she uses her period as an excuse.
> If she has that many problems she needs to talk to an endo or OB/GYN.
> ...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> How do we handle what? You get sex more than 5 times a month - try getting it 4-5 times a year. Just hold out for a couple of weeks how hard can that be? Just read some is the articles here - the forum should be called 'sex not in marriage'.


He should settle for sex for as little as 25% a month because you're in a sexless marriage?

No. His standards, desires, and expectations should not drop just because you're in a worse marital hell than he is.

That's like telling a 300 lbs man to be happy at his weight because at least he's not 750 lbs like yourself.


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