# Staying married out of conveniance



## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

I've been married for 21 years in September. I'm in my mid 40s, as is my wife. We have a marriage that works but isn't very satisfying. We both work and have a comfortable, upper-middle class lifestyle. 

She has one child, age 15. The child was concieved when we separated for six months. The child's father is not involved in her life but does pay court ordered child support. We ended up reconciling after that whole ordeal. I am not really a father to her daughter. I've never accepted that role and I'm not too involved in day to day parenting. That is my wife's terrain. I do support her daughter financially though. Honestly, the child is one of the major issues in our marriage. I hold some resentment over how my wife got pregnant by another man. Granted, we were separated but it is still something that infuriates me. 

I've been trying to look at things and assess if I should stay in our marriage. It works for me financially, its nice and comfortable. I like having my wife to talk to and share things with. She is really good with running our house and all of that 
which is a huge positive. We are sexually intimate enough so that isn't an issue. I do not love my wife. I haven't for sometime. I think its probably been ten years since I've felt any real love towards her. We are still close friends and I appreciate her but I'm not crazy in love with her. 

I like having a "family" since it helps with a lot with work. I work in a kind of public profession and its beneficial to have the on paper nuclear family. There a lot of similar benefits financially and socially to staying married. 

Since this is anonymous I'll be honest. I haven't been the best husband either and I'm sure some of our marriage problems are due to me. I've never got anyone else pregnant but I've done some wrong things. I've had several affairs, none of which my wife knows about. I've visited escorts consistently for the last few years. I've gone on dates with other women. 

I think I would be able to find someone else if we divorced. I'm almost certain of it. I've had enough success while being married so you would think when you are single it woudl be easier. I'm on paper I think a good catch. I'm very fit, well educated, and great with people. 

I'm just sort of looking for some other people's thoughts on what I should do. Should I stay with my wife or look to starting fresh. I can answer any questions or add details if need be. Thanks.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

First i will say, you accepted her back after what had happened.
You cant hold her in contempt because of that.
You made that decision to welcome her back to you along with her daughter.
Paying for things isnt the same as recieving love.
Whether she is your daughter or not you accepted that role.

Im jsut curious as to why you are so bent over her past when you have been consistant in your endeavors?
Also you KNOW about hers.
She does not.

Why are you not honest with her and just let her know.

The love you are claiming to be absent in the relationship is more than likely due to you giving yourself away over a period of time to everyone other than her.

You loved her to take her back.
I really dont see why you are still there when you are living a completely different lifestyle that she knows nothing of.
How can she be so oblivious to it?

"family" as you qouted, isnt family.

like you said, you dont play the father role, and you dont love your wife like you should.
you really have nothing to loose here if you look at it boldly.
(according to you)

(oh and btw, i am using a mellow tone while writing this, not mean of hateful. Take it as if im having a conversation with you about it)


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*You have allowed a GIANT marriage killer to fester for years*. Your resentment is understandable to some but the real question is what has that resentment done for YOU? Justifying your revenge and/or resentment is not as important as the RESULTS! The results could be positive if you take the right actions.

You do not love your wife and refuse to be a father to the child that is innocent of the affair your wife had. Your resentment probably played a part in your affairs also. *Resentment and betrayal are two of the biggest relationship killers of all time.*

You both need good therapy for your body, mind, and spirit if you are going to have a chance at having a good marriage. If both of you have a humble and contrite heart then with good counseling you can do a lot better in your marriage. If you do not have the humble and contrite attitude then your marriage will not get any better and maybe worse.

You will probably be able to get someone else as you have stated. However, how much of a success do you think that you will have in your next relationship while you carry your resentment, divorce, and history of cheating? You will bring your baggage to the next relationship and the woman will have her baggage also.

Your wife having a child by another man is very hurtful; I agree. Life is not fair and you have to play the cards that you have been dealt or you created. You have compounded your hurt by remaining resentful and cheating. *GET RID OF YOUR RESENTMENT AND DO THINGS THAT BUILD YOUR DIGNITY. That will help you whether you stay with your wife or divorce her.[/COLOR*]


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## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

> First i will say, you accepted her back after what had happened.
> You cant hold her in contempt because of that.
> You made that decision to welcome her back to you along with her daughter.
> Paying for things isnt the same as recieving love.
> ...


Looking back I probably should have let her go. It was a mistake to take her back. I guess I shouldn't hold her in contempt and I don't always. Its just always there. I don't think you can get over something like that. I don't really know why it bothers me so much. I've done much worse. 

I am pretty decent to my wife's daughter. I work a lot so I'm not home all that much and we aren't close at all but I don't treat her poorly or anything like that. I am not her father though. I am generous financially for her. Like I said I don't have that much free time and the little time I do have I would rather not spend it with a teenage girl. This probably sounds very cold I know. I'm just not attached to her. I took my wife back without really fully understanding what I was getting into. 

My wife isn't oblivious. Its just I work 3 hours away from home for 75% of the year. So all the extracurricular activities go on away from home. Its not in front of her face. 

Oh, I know the "family" isn't a real family. The appearance is there which matters a lot in my field of work. 

I think what I would lose with a divorce is money and comfort. My wife is really great at maintaining our home, cooking, etc. That isn't something I could do on my own. Its nice to have someone to talk to whenever. I can't vent about my day to just anyone. The other big thing is a divorce would be hurtful with my job. That is the big factor in favor of staying. 

Thanks for responding! Don't worry about the tone. Its fine


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

First off. Your wife may have gotten pregnant during a separation, but you took her back. That was your decision.

Secondly. You have been having fling affairs with crazy amounts of women. and you haven't told your W yet? You resent your W for what? you took her back knowing the full truth.

If you do not love your W and are only with her because it looks good on paper, then that's unfair to her. Have you and your W been intimate at all during any of your A's? If so, that's putting her at risk for STD's. Which is also unfair.

You must tell your W what you have done, asap. You must own what you have done. 

Just a little tid bit for you....it is much harder to find a woman who will genuinely want to be with you as a single man, and even harder I'm sure to get them in bed. I've learned that the more "taken" you are, the more women want to steal you. So do not expect an easy go when you decide to be single. (and this shouldn't be a reason to stay with your unsuspecting W either)

If you do not love your W, and are only with her to use her, then I'd say leave..you are only doing damage to yourself, and deceiving your W who I'm sure is a good person.

If you feel that you would like to rekindle love for your W and work on your M, then I would say, you have to tell your W everything and she will decide whether SHE wants to stay with you.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I agree with bkaydezz. Imo, get into counseling and work on having a real relationship with her, or get a divorce. She had a relationship with another man while you were seperated, not while she was with you. You are the one who is cheating and living a lie. Does she love you? Or do you think this is a marriage of convenience for her as well? ANd how can you be so cold to the daughter? It's not her fault - none of this is. Yes, you are there financially but damn, she deserves a father in her life who actually cares for her. If you can't be that man, let your wife go so that she can find a man who will really love her and her daughter.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It isn't a real family because you refuse to make it such. That poor girl has spent her lifetime being a victim of your hatred and your refusal to love but you sure don't mind using her to advance your career. Simply put, absolutely disgusting. I hope my tone came through loud and clear.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Member 11 said:


> I think I would be able to find someone else if we divorced. I'm almost certain of it. I've had enough success while being married so you would think when you are single it woudl be easier.* I'm on paper I think a good catch.* I'm very fit, well educated, and great with people.



I am not so sure about that. If you put down on paper that you had multiple affairs and consistently frequent escorts, I wonder what type of woman you do catch.


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## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

> First off. Your wife may have gotten pregnant during a separation, but you took her back. That was your decision.
> 
> Secondly. You have been having fling affairs with crazy amounts of women. and you haven't told your W yet? You resent your W for what? you took her back knowing the full truth.
> 
> ...


I've never considered telling my wife and that isn't a realistic option. I'm not going to tell her. Lets leave it at that. 

I think we must run in different crowds. Most women I know aren't really open to cheating or being party to cheating. It takes an incredible amount of time and effort before (at least) I can get to the point of having an affair. I am certain being single would make things easier, not harder. If anything there wouldn't be so many lies. 

I am tested every six months. Nothing is wrong on that front. 



> I agree with bkaydezz. Imo, get into counseling and work on having a real relationship with her, or get a divorce. She had a relationship with another man while you were seperated, not while she was with you. You are the one who is cheating and living a lie. Does she love you? Or do you think this is a marriage of convenience for her as well? ANd how can you be so cold to the daughter? It's not her fault - none of this is. Yes, you are there financially but damn, she deserves a father in her life who actually cares for her. If you can't be that man, let your wife go so that she can find a man who will really love her and her daughter.


I do think my wife loves me. The marriage is convenient for her too though. She gets a nice house, a nice lifestyle for her and her daughter, and doesn't have to work much. Its a mutually beneficial marriage. 

I've never bonded with her daughter. Its not her fault that she was born in such a situation. That is her mother's fault. Unfortunately she is paying the price. She does have a father. One who chooses to not be involved in her life. 

Believe me its disappointing for me too. I wanted to be a parent and have a close relationship with my child. It didn't end up happening. Which I've accepted. 



> It isn't a real family because you refuse to make it such. That poor girl has spent her lifetime being a victim of your hatred and your refusal to love but you sure don't mind using her to advance your career. Simply put, absolutely disgusting. I hope my tone came through loud and clear.


I don't hate her daughter. I'm very unemotional about her. I don't have any strong feelings either way. I've never done anything even bordering hateful to the girl. 

Harsh comment but none the less thanks for weighing in. A lot of this whole conversation is about what is best for me. So yes, its going to sound selfish.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Member 11 said:


> I've never considered telling my wife and that isn't a realistic option. I'm not going to tell her. Lets leave it at that.
> 
> I think we must run in different crowds. Most women I know aren't really open to cheating or being party to cheating. It takes an incredible amount of time and effort before (at least) I can get to the point of having an affair. I am certain being single would make things easier, not harder. If anything there wouldn't be so many lies.
> 
> I am tested every six months. Nothing is wrong on that front.


Well .... go check out *coping with infidelity* and you will see how many women cheat. It's a common misconception that women do not stray often. And just so you know....I'm very well experienced, knowing that my H has slept with plenty of women, them knowing full well that he is married to me. Knowing that we have children, and a life. Lots of women... So, you must be misinformed. 

And if you are not willing to tell your W about your A's, then do her a favour and leave.

And if you think that being single will be easier because there won't be lies involved. Then you would be right, if you are just going to be looking for temporary partners. Other than that, no woman is going to trust a hair on your head, because you will have to be honest about who you are (you said there wouldn't be any lies right?) 

If I was looking for a relationship, I would want to know my P's past.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

You come across as a very cold person. I know that is judgmental and I shouldn't be so over some internet postings, but the fact that you have no bond with a girl that you have been raising for 15 years (and yes, you are raising her whether you admit to it or not) and feel no love towards your wife makes me question your ability to love. 

"Should I stay with my wife or look to starting fresh." Definitely start fresh. Living a lie is not better for all concerned. It's denial.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Member 11 said:


> Looking back I probably should have let her go. It was a mistake to take her back. I guess I shouldn't hold her in contempt and I don't always. Its just always there. I don't think you can get over something like that. I don't really know why it bothers me so much. I've done much worse.


The big question here is did she want be with you at this time or did she come back just because the OM wouldn't support his kid?

I can understand why you resent her for getting pregnant or why you don't want to be close to your DD. I wouldn't want to raise someone else's kid either.

I don't condone the cheating or the prostitutes but i think others have covered that better so i'll put that aside.

Bottom line is can you define your life after you get divorced? The only reason for you wanting a D is that you don't love your DW and can get any other woman if you wanted. But is that what your really want? I don't see anything that says you are yearning for it. Your current situation appears to be - DW happy DD happy, U not unhappy, hardly a reason for divorce. Then again, your are cheating on her and so in a way it is a lie. So your choices appear to be keeping living this way (lie) or tell them (& leave them) and turn their world upside down. Frankly, i couldn't advice you to do either.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Member 11 said:


> Looking back I probably should have let her go. It was a mistake to take her back. I guess I shouldn't hold her in contempt and I don't always. Its just always there. I don't think you can get over something like that. I don't really know why it bothers me so much. I've done much worse.
> 
> I am pretty decent to my wife's daughter. I work a lot so I'm not home all that much and we aren't close at all but I don't treat her poorly or anything like that. I am not her father though. I am generous financially for her. Like I said I don't have that much free time and the little time I do have I would rather not spend it with a teenage girl. This probably sounds very cold I know. I'm just not attached to her. I took my wife back without really fully understanding what I was getting into.
> 
> ...


What do you do that would make you look bad if you divroced?

You can find that comfort with another woman.
I understand that you like to have someone to come home too.
The least you could do is quit living a lie and make another life for yourself that you WANT.
You can vent about your day to anyone.
Many women are great listeners that you wont have a hard time finding if you are good looking, have good qualities and are honest with someone else.
If you live three hours away from home and these thigns take place on the way back, wouldnt your commute home be alot longer than three hours?
So your wife has an idea of what you are up to if she is not oblivious, how is that?
Whether you completely understand the pain you would bare after taking her back, you still made that choice in knowing that you would have to live with it.
I know its alot harder to forgive something when its always in your face to remind you. You made that choice to forgive her when you accepted her back though!!!


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Member 11 said:


> I've been married for 21 years in September. I'm in my mid 40s, as is my wife. We have a marriage that works but isn't very satisfying. We both work and have a comfortable, upper-middle class lifestyle.
> 
> She has one child, age 15. The child was concieved when we separated for six months. The child's father is not involved in her life but does pay court ordered child support. We ended up reconciling after that whole ordeal. I am not really a father to her daughter. I've never accepted that role and I'm not too involved in day to day parenting. That is my wife's terrain. I do support her daughter financially though. Honestly, the child is one of the major issues in our marriage. I hold some resentment over how my wife got pregnant by another man. Granted, we were separated but it is still something that infuriates me.
> 
> ...


So you stayed for gain and had sexual relations with other women that your wife knows nothing about..... You dont really have a relationship with the daughter and if you stay, you will probably continue to go out and sex other women to fill the void and resentment of taking back your wife that got pregnant by another man while you two were seperated............. hmmmmmm I'm still thinking


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stay and you remain comfortable but unfulfilled.

Leave and your world is turned over while that fulfillment may still be a long way away if it exists at all.

Careful what you wish for
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Member 11 said:


> I've been married for 21 years in September. I'm in my mid 40s, as is my wife. We have a marriage that works but isn't very satisfying. We both work and have a comfortable, upper-middle class lifestyle.
> 
> She has one child, age 15. The child was concieved when we separated for six months. The child's father is not involved in her life but does pay court ordered child support. We ended up reconciling after that whole ordeal. I am not really a father to her daughter. I've never accepted that role and I'm not too involved in day to day parenting. That is my wife's terrain. I do support her daughter financially though. Honestly, the child is one of the major issues in our marriage. I hold some resentment over how my wife got pregnant by another man. Granted, we were separated but it is still something that infuriates me.
> 
> ...


21 yrs. married & no children of your own? Why not (understanding some couples are unable to)?

I also understand (raised 2) that 15 yr. old teen girls can be VERY difficult to raise. Have you always felt this way about her?


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## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

> Well .... go check out coping with infidelity and you will see how many women cheat. It's a common misconception that women do not stray often. And just so you know....I'm very well experienced, knowing that my H has slept with plenty of women, them knowing full well that he is married to me. Knowing that we have children, and a life. Lots of women... So, you must be misinformed.
> 
> And if you are not willing to tell your W about your A's, then do her a favour and leave.
> 
> ...


Believe me, I know women cheat. I just think its ludicrous to say it would be easier to get with people while married than while single. I'm not sure who you interact with but most people I know aren't really open to being mistresses. I'm in a profession with rampant infidelity. I know many, many cheaters (myself included) so I'm basing this off all our expediences. I have friends that have recently got divorced and who are having an absolute field day. 

To be honest I don't know if I want casual relationships or something serious. 



> You come across as a very cold person. I know that is judgmental and I shouldn't be so over some internet postings, but the fact that you have no bond with a girl that you have been raising for 15 years (and yes, you are raising her whether you admit to it or not) and feel no love towards your wife makes me question your ability to love.
> 
> "Should I stay with my wife or look to starting fresh." Definitely start fresh. Living a lie is not better for all concerned. It's denial.


Maybe I exaggerated things with my wife. I definitely feel love towards her. I'm just not in love with her. 

The kid. It is what it is. I've not tried to have a bond with her so that might be a part of it. I've got enough things to juggle as is. Dealing with someone else's daughter is not high on my priorities.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel sorry for the 15 y/o daughter.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Member 11 said:


> To be honest I don't know if I want casual relationships or something serious.
> 
> Have you thought of counceling? Havent you HAD casual sex already? Are you more worried about your job if you D?
> 
> ...


How sad for "The kid" is in the middle of all of this. If she's not in touch with her natural father, she has no male/father figure to teach her right from wrong. When you took your wife back, you also took that inocent child back. Just becuase she stays out of trouble doesnt mean trouble wont find her one day....


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

sorry I didnt do the quote thingy right and have typos. In a hurry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I feel sorry for the 15 y/o daughter.


Me too. This has "daddy issues" written all over it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

> The big question here is did she want be with you at this time or did she come back just because the OM wouldn't support his kid?
> 
> I can understand why you resent her for getting pregnant or why you don't want to be close to your DD. I wouldn't want to raise someone else's kid either.
> 
> ...


She begged me to take her back. I was weak and I gave in. It was definitely because OM (other man?) wasn't interested in staying with her. I struggle with that. Why did I take someone back who someone else just threw away? The OM is a loser through and through. He hasn't had anything to do with his kid. 

Its both bad choices right? I think what way I'm leaning is to just maintain the status quo. I need them (sorry to be crass) for at least two more years. There is a good chance I'll have a shot at a huge promotion and I can't go through with a divorce and all of that right now. 



> What do you do that would make you look bad if you divroced?
> 
> You can find that comfort with another woman.
> I understand that you like to have someone to come home too.
> ...


The field of work I am in is government/public service. A divorce would be somewhat public and it would sort of mess with the image I have. Which is pretty important. 

I think you are confused. The affairs are where I work, which is three hours away from our home. Not on the actual commute. I'm able to get away a lot under the guise of work when its not for work too. 

I made the choice to forgive her without truly understanding what I was getting into. We've had some good years and great memories but we've had some hard times too. It wasn't worth it looking back.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your wife. Passion fades and what is left is a deep friendship. Unless you want to change parters every four years chasing that infatuated feeling I would stay. You need to put more attention into your wife and stop seeing other women. You get out of something what you put into it. Spend time romancing your wife and pursuing her again and you might be pleasantly surprised.


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## Member 11 (Aug 17, 2012)

> Stay and you remain comfortable but unfulfilled.
> 
> Leave and your world is turned over while that fulfillment may still be a long way away if it exists at all.
> 
> Careful what you wish for


I understand what you are saying. Why mess up something that more or less works. Her kid will be out of the house soon too which will be nice. I don't want to give up a very comfortable life for something potentially better but riskier. 



> 21 yrs. married & no children of your own? Why not (understanding some couples are unable to)?
> 
> I also understand (raised 2) that 15 yr. old teen girls can be VERY difficult to raise. Have you always felt this way about her?


It just never happened. I've been checked out and I can have children and my wife the same. For whatever reason it never happened. We never tried extra hard but we weren't not trying either, if you know what I mean. Maybe things would be different if we had children of our own. I think that is part of it. I'm sometimes disappointed not having a son, or at least a child of my own. 

Her daughter is fine. She isn't the easiest to get along with but it could be worse. I don't spend much time concerned with what she does, to be honest. Its pure apathy. I've felt this way about her pretty much since day 1. 



> Me too. This has "daddy issues" written all over it.


Not my problem. A lot of you all are commenting about her kid. That isn't what I really want to talk about or what I posted about. Its not really on-topic. 



> It sounds like you have a good relationship with your wife. Passion fades and what is left is a deep friendship. Unless you want to change parters every four years chasing that infatuated feeling I would stay. You need to put more attention into your wife and stop seeing other women. You get out of something what you put into it. Spend time romancing your wife and pursuing her again and you might be pleasantly surprised.


You might be right. We do have a deep friendship and she has been very supportive of me. I don't want to lose all of that. I probably could and should put more effort into my wife. I'll try. Thanks.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

I just see soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much resentment that you cant actually let the past go, which means you havent actually forgave her. but you understand that now shes a different woman and responds to your needs and you love that about her!!!
You shoiuld give in more and be vulnerable to the fact that you can
have a daughter if you just let it regardless of the past. every new day is now and thats time you can change into anything. 
using her is low. dont just take what you are not willing to give back...

as for your image with work, judgement will be passed regardless.
everyone has a different story they are writing.
you can only break the lead so much before the pencil runs out.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You have but one life. You have made a lie out of yours. You are actually living a lie.

Grow some balls and leave. Leave gracefully and cut yourself a new path through your remaining years and decide those years will be authentic, true and honest.

The only way you will do that is to regain the credibility and integrity you left far behind you in the past. And whatever you do never betray another person on the planet, including yourself.


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