# What's in it for me?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

It's often said that if a person's attitude toward marriage is, "what's in it for me," that is the wrong attitude and it will never work. I even heard it mentioned on Dr. Phil once that everyone should wake up and think, "What can I do today to make my partner happy and have a great marriage." Well, I get all this to a point, and if both of you have this attitude, it will be just one big barrel of happiness.

But, is it really wrong to expect a little from your partner in return? If one feels like they are always the "giver" and never gets, won't that wear a person down over the years, even if they don't realize it at the time? Even with the simplest of things. If the giver eats at the other's favorite restaurant 20 times in a row, is it too much to expect that they could dine at their favorite without a long face from the other? I could give other, more serious examples, but I feel that makes the point.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Marriage is a balance, give and take, compromise. Doesn't sound too balanced at the moment for you. Time to communicate that or maybe you have?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I disagree with Dr. Phil on this to an extent. 

Once you're married, you should strive to make your partner happy, yes. But you should never neglect yourself to do it. 

The time to answer what's in it for me is BEFORE I commit to a degree that becomes hard to back out of. I should fully understand this answer before I say, "I do." Once I walk that aisle, it's time to ask "What's in it for us?" instead.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

southbound said:


> if both of you have this attitude, it will be just one big barrel of happiness.


Yes, it works. 

That's the whole point: _if both of you do it_.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Communicate your feelings before they become a big bundle of resentment.

If you've tried this, try again. I'm still trying (!). Or recognize you're with someone who is, and maybe always will be, inherently more selfish than you. Don't be so quick to please, ask for compromise, set your boundaries.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Givers and takers seem to marry each other. Therefore the fix is to be balanced and centered BEFORE you date and marry. Learn to love yourself so you will have good boundaries. Do this and you will repel takers/users away from you or at least spot them so you can end the relationship.

I believe Dr. Phil's advice was aimed largely at the takers. The givers need different advice. TAM is full of givers who never once thought "what's in it for me" when quite frankly at some point they should have. LOL


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Dr Phils message is a bit off.

I think that giving only as much as you get is a better stategy. Also, maintain your self-respect and don't back yourself into a corner. 

That is give and take albeit not abundant but as much as each person can give. The rate limiter is the selfish person. If the giver has attempted commnication that the giver should back off. 

The selfish person sets the tone of the relationship and if they want more they need to give more. Doormat status should be avoided.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Maneo said:


> Marriage is a balance, give and take, compromise. Doesn't sound too balanced at the moment for you. Time to communicate that or maybe you have?


Oh, it's far too late for me. I've been divorced for over two years. I'm just curious about various concepts.In looking back, though, it seems that I did give a lot, and it began to take a toll over the years not getting a lot back. 

I'm not saying she had an awful personality, she was actually quite nice, but in hindsight, I think her idea was that I should work to make her happy. If I was happy in the process, fine, but it was more my duty to make her happy than it was for her to worry about what I might enjoy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

southbound said:


> It's often said that if a person's attitude toward marriage is, "what's in it for me," that is the wrong attitude and it will never work. I even heard it mentioned on Dr. Phil once that everyone should wake up and think, "What can I do today to make my partner happy and have a great marriage." Well, I get all this to a point, and if both of you have this attitude, it will be just one big barrel of happiness.
> 
> But, is it really wrong to expect a little from your partner in return? If one feels like they are always the "giver" and never gets, won't that wear a person down over the years, even if they don't realize it at the time? Even with the simplest of things. If the giver eats at the other's favorite restaurant 20 times in a row, is it too much to expect that they could dine at their favorite without a long face from the other? I could give other, more serious examples, but I feel that makes the point.


It works if you both have this attitude. It's tough to do; you have to have faith that your partner is equally committed to that; not in words but in action. You can't be the one doing all the giving and it is a leap of faith to believe that by doing so, your partner will reciprocate. If they don't, eventually you will feel used and taken advantage of. That isn't healthy for you or the relationship.

I believe you give of yourself without giving up yourself. In the example you gave, eventually you will have to say ... hey by the way, I'm glad you like this place and I enjoy our time together but ... have I told you I don't even like sushi? If she responds with "oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that. That's so sweet of you to come here then. Hey, I love Tony Anthony Antonios ... do you like Italian?" then you got something


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

southbound said:


> Oh, it's far too late for me. I've been divorced for over two years. I'm just curious about various concepts.In looking back, though, it seems that I did give a lot, and it began to take a toll over the years not getting a lot back.
> 
> I'm not saying she had an awful personality, she was actually quite nice, but in hindsight, I think her idea was that I should work to make her happy. If I was happy in the process, fine, but it was more my duty to make her happy than it was for her to worry about what I might enjoy.


Umm it is too late for you? You mean you will never have another relationship where this info would be useful? :scratchhead:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm a "giver" by nature... I seem to pair up with "takers" most, if not all, of the time. I have never asked myself, "What is in it for ME?" That is something that "Takers" might wonder...

While I don't think that expecting the other to graciously give once in a while is unreasonable. Just remember though; expectations are what usually causes disappointment. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm a "giver" by nature... I seem to pair up with "takers" most, if not all, of the time. I have never asked myself, "What is in it for ME?" That is something that "Takers" might wonder...
> 
> While I don't think that expecting the other to graciously give once in a while is unreasonable. Just remember though; expectations are what usually causes disappointment. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But from what I've read of your posts, you are happy YinPrincess in your giver role.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I never said I was perfect. Does that bar me from offering my opinion? I give and give and give until I have been utterly depleted. Two years ago I would have said that is my husband's fault because he takes so much. I know better now! I am the one who "allows" myself to be depleted. I need to be the one to regulate that, not him.

The most important thing I have learned from being married to someone like my husband is to challenge myself to be happy, see the brighter side of life and take ownership of my own flaws... I've also learned that accepting people for who they are brings so much more peace than finding reasons they should change and trying to convince them, lol!! 

I DO have a tendency to "give" way too much. I probably would have never become aware of the things I know now without this relationship. Yes, it's pretty bad at times, but *I* am learning and growing because of it.  There is always a positive behind a negative. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I have a friend who does this and it works because they both do. She has commented about what she overheard from an unhappily married woman - "When I got up I noticed he didn't take the trash out last night so I didn't start the coffee this morning. Ha." Being punitive to her mate isn't the way to get what she wants in the relationship. (Not to mention it's passive-aggressive!)

Instead she starts off her day thinking of what she can do to make his day better. It's not about keeping score or being manipulative but if you both do nice things for each other and don't punish each other when they are overlooked, nice benefits can be reaped from this approach.

But no one should keep it up and get nothing in return; then you become a doormat.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In Marriage Builders, Harley says you should both be "takers" and you should both satisfy the "taker" in you.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I wanted to add that giving as much as you get is not a license to bean count. 

Every relationship should start out with both people giving. If you find that your partner is not a giver at an early stage in the relationship, it is easy to get out. 

However, in a LTR, there are times when one person has to give more and then the other. 

Illness, a temporary heavy workload or death in the family, ect. can effect the attention to the relationship. 

My husband and I give each other more attention, not less, when one or the other needs it. 

In a satifying relationship, I think you have to take the long view, and support each other and not focus on the small day to day things.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Not to make your needs known, and to insist that they matter, is to be co-dependent and/or passive-aggressive, silently blaming a partner who is not being given the chance to express the Giver in him- or herself. 
I agree that we tend to come in pairs of Giver/Taker, but these roles can be reversed by stepping back once in a while, kind of a 180 in advance. Otherwise we lock each other into permanent patterns that lead to resentment. 
The best relationships are likely those in which the roles switch back and forth a lot so everybody gets practice for when the time comes. Sometimes you need to take. And sometimes your partner needs you to give.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

In essence what you are talking about here is the good ole 50/50 rule. I hate that rule with a passion. Marriage usually washes out over _long _haul as being 50/50 but the day to day bill paying, chores, and romance is definately not 50/50. Why? Because each partner has their own litmus test of who gives "more". You can look all over this board and read about people (myself included btw) who feel like they give more than their partner just because...because why? One makes more money. One does yell during an argument? One does more housework? One takes care of the kids? One is working on "self-improvement" while the other is in a rut? I imagine that if you heard all the husbands/wives side of the story you would hear something very similar. And our need to be "right" about our relationships can drive us to foolish words, mistakes, and divorces even when we fully intend on doing the opposite.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do onto others as would have others do onto you.

seems pretty simple to me. everybody knows when theres no balance. keep checking yourself to make sure your not a selfish a$$hole. 

thats my story and I'm sticking to it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There's a difference between giving, enabling and co-dependency. And a lot of people think they're giving when they are actually enabling or being co-dependent. 

My H is fat and is on a diet. I'm not. I make a healthy meal for him and only sometimes will I share it with him. Usually I eat before he gets home. Thats giving without enabling. I am getting something out of my double meal prep, he is losing weight, that means my extra work isn't co-dependent. I expect him to get healthy, so my extra work, according to some definitions of giving, isn't really giving at all.

Which also begs the question, if you give to your spouse to make them happy and content, and you take pleasure in their contentment, you are getting something out of it. If you gave to your spouse and they took no pleasure in your giving, you would stop giving. So, that's not real giving now is it?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

> There's a difference between giving, enabling and co-dependency. And a lot of people think they're giving when they are actually enabling or being co-dependent.


:iagree: 

I'm more than certain that I am a prime example of this, lol! I am Co-Dependent/Giver but I am learning to set boundaries, (small ones) and work up to being able to take as well... It's quite a challenge to learn to differentiate the qualities, but I think this thread has provided a little more clarity on the subject; in particular, Anon Pink's post. Thank you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Fledgling said:


> In essence what you are talking about here is the good ole 50/50 rule. I hate that rule with a passion. Marriage usually washes out over _long _haul as being 50/50 but the day to day bill paying, chores, and romance is definately not 50/50. Why? Because each partner has their own litmus test of who gives "more". You can look all over this board and read about people (myself included btw) who feel like they give more than their partner just because...because why? One makes more money. One does yell during an argument? One does more housework? One takes care of the kids? One is working on "self-improvement" while the other is in a rut? I imagine that if you heard all the husbands/wives side of the story you would hear something very similar. And our need to be "right" about our relationships can drive us to foolish words, mistakes, and divorces even when we fully intend on doing the opposite.


I am not sure I like the 50/50 rule either, but I do look to see that we are both putting in the same effort over time. I have strengths and weaknesses, as does my wife. We have different jobs and responsibilities. But we work together as a team. She works hard to do what she can for our team, and I do the same. It is not always equal, and it can be difficult to really decide which contribution is more important than another. But I expect to be able to look at my wife and know that she is working hard for our team. I also expect of myself that she will be able to look at me and see I am working hard for our team. 

If that happens, things just seem to work out.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Umm it is too late for you? You mean you will never have another relationship where this info would be useful? :scratchhead:


I don't know. I'm certainly not looking. I'm doing rather well single.


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