# Post surgery reality check



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I think I may be over-reacting and need a reality check. Am I expecting too much from DH?

Here is the story. I found out a couple of months ago that I needed surgery – not life threatening but something that will take me off my feet for a couple months. DH first reaction – how much will it cost? I was irritated that would be the first concern/question. Surgery scheduled. DH question – will it impact a fishing trip he had planned. My response – no – I will have other help so he should go.

Surgery day – DH took day off from work. Surgery was early morning. I was out by early afternoon. DH left by late afternoon – we live about 30 miles away – to take care of pets, and yard/garden. Came back to pick me up on day of discharge – a few days later. 

Since home, DH has fixed food. He will get water, ice, help me around when asked. He complained about needing to go to three pharmacies to get prescription. However, other than one quick kiss before he went to bed two days after I got home and before he left for fishing trip, he has not touched, kissed, held my hand, hugged me, or otherwise touched me. Some days when he comes home, he pets the dog, and goes about his business – which is usually to take a nap – sometimes with a quick hi. Many nights there is no saying good night. 

To his benefit, he is working FT and we have several pets and a rather large yard/garden to care for. I asked him last night if the caregiving was harder than he thought. He said no, it was easier. I told him I wondered because he seemed kind of aloof and thought it might be stressful. He repeated the word “aloof” and said nothing else. In bed he patted my shoulder and told me he loved me . . . first time in a very long time . . . and rolled over and went to sleep. 

Not sure what to make of all this. Any thoughts . . . anyone?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

have you asked him why he dosen't do thoses things anymore?(kissing,saying good night,holding hands)

have you tried to hold his hand or do you always wait for him to start?

do you guys have a good sex life? do you make an effort to be the best lover for him and dose he do the same? 

do you enjoy spending time with him?


sounds like he dose what ever he wants .....what do you do for yourself? he goes fishing what do you do with your free time.


seems like so many marriages just drift apart.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Let me tell you a story.

My ex-husband didn't like going up and down our stairs. The day after I had a lumpectomy, he got a new puppy. Guess who carried that new puppy up and down our stairs -- beginning the moment the puppy came home? Yes. Totally my fault for doing it when I wasn't supposed to lift anything.

There are many reasons he's my ex (primarily because he cheated) but I often flash back to the "puppy episode."

Your husband doesn't sound very connected.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I'm not sure why you would expect your surgery to change your relationship for the better? Was he attentive and loving before the surgery and now is less so?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Looks like money, fishing trip, pets & yard work are more on his mind than you. He could be taking you for granted. On the plus side, he is feeding you and does fetch & carry when asked. Maybe he is simply clueless that a spouse is supposed to at least pretend to care about their spouse's health.

As to leaving you at the hospital until discharge and treating you more like a sister than a wife, only you can say if that's his typical behavior toward you.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have a nice long talk with him. Make sure that he wakes up and gets involved with your marriage. Tell him in a nice way what is on your mind. I do not know what is on his mind. It could be the fishing, money, etc, but he did not win any points for his response about the cost of the surgery. However, some guys are clueless, until you tell them. Sometimes I can be clueless.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Could he simply be awkward with illness or maybe be afraid of it a little?

Not everyone is able to handle seeing their partner sick or injured. For some, it brings their own mortality to mind, so they kind of try to block it out...by treating you as though it's a disease they might catch. Not good, but some people are like that.

Is the way he is treating you now very different from before? Or is he pretty much always like this, but it's hitting you harder because you need his support and help?


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

He has Passive Aggressive tendencies. Most of the time I can cope, but I think I was hoping for some extra TLC during this time. Like it or not, I keep comparing what he is doing to how my dad helped me through a surgery when I was a teen. No comparison . . . and perhaps a comparison is not fair.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Mine was plotting his exit with his new gf when I got sick and he had to tend to me. He sounds a lot like my STBX.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Katiebird said:


> He has Passive Aggressive tendencies. Most of the time I can cope, but I think I was hoping for some extra TLC during this time. Like it or not, I keep comparing what he is doing to how my dad helped me through a surgery when I was a teen. No comparison . . . and perhaps a comparison is not fair.


My husband is PA too, and what your husband is doing is totally normal for a PA spouse. I've had the same exact thought I quoted above; I've been really sick a few times in my life, and my dad always totally broke out of his "big strong man" persona and brought me things like milkshakes to keep my strength up. I had the same feeling as you, asking myself if it was unfair to compare my husband to my father. 

You kind of remind me of where I was a few years ago, just beginning to realize that our marital problems extended beyond what's ordinary and common in healthy marriages, and instead indicative of some serious problems. It's great that you've found this site, because I've gotten more help and clarity from here than anywhere else, even marriage counseling. 

Feel free to send me a PM any time if you need a sympathetic ear!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Or it could be simply that he isn't a nurturing individual by nature and is treating you the way he would want to be - left alone to lick wounds and heal.

It is up to you if you need more L in the TLC part of your recuperation, though. Maybe he is afraid he'll hurt you if he touches you.


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Interestingly enough he had two surgeries a few years ago and I was - at least in my mind - a doting wife - doing whatever he needed and more. Part of it is that he was not raised with much compassion or empathy. I can't remember if I mentioned this but I did ask him why he wasn't touching me and all I got was a blank stare. I haven't asked again. As I heal, he seems to be a bit more relaxed and he told me this was easier than he thought . . . still no touching . . .


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

What was the surgery in more detail, as in how fragile and mobile are you now?
What would come to my primitive man mind was to tend to your basic needs but otherwise leave you be so you get rest. Cuddling or other closeness especially during a 2 month recovery, would cause a me a "problem" that I wouldn't expect a bedridden wife to deal with if you get the idea.


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