# When to be positive....



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So myself included, lots of people come here when it's too late with their spouse.
My personal opinion is that when a woman gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, the best thing is to just accept it and move on.
I don't think there's any way to get their love back, and even of the spouse was 180'd and separated and saw how rough their life would be without their spouse, would they really be worth having back?

I know I didn't want to hear that my ex was cheating, that I needed to move on. I wanted things I could try in order to make her fall in love with me again, especially before I found out about the cheating.
Is there such a thing? Is there advice that if followed, can result in a marriage that has love from both sides and lasts?

I'm obviously pessimistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Is there such a thing? Is there advice that if followed, can result in a marriage that has love from both sides and lasts?
> 
> I'm obviously pessimistic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can only speak from my OWN experience, and my experience says NO. I know that once I hit that point where I knew I was not in love, I was DONE. Nothing could have kept me there and nothing could have made me fall back in love. 

(by the way my advice still stands that you should not get married! :wink2: )


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So myself included, lots of people come here when it's too late with their spouse.
> My personal opinion is that when a woman gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, the best thing is to just accept it and move on.
> I don't think there's any way to get their love back, and even of the spouse was 180'd and separated and saw how rough their life would be without their spouse, would they really be worth having back?
> 
> ...


I think Marriage Builders Plan A and Plan B fit that description.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> So myself included, lots of people come here when it's too late with their spouse.
> My personal opinion is that when a woman gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, the best thing is to just accept it and move on.
> I don't think there's any way to get their love back, and even of the spouse was 180'd and separated and saw how rough their life would be without their spouse, would they really be worth having back?
> 
> ...


A lot of this is what you want from a marriage, what you expect from a marriage. There is no "Disney" marriage after this that is for sure. 

If you want the love of my life type of marriage, you will probably need to have another one after cheating and the ILYBINILWY speech. Which, the good news is you can. And then yes there is advice that can be followed that results in this. A lot of a good marriage though is in who you marry. The picking part is the most important part. It's like picking the right soil for your farm. You can farm the hell out of it but if the soil sucks you aren't going to get good crops.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rightly so.


Wishes are powerless. The future fills its gas tank from its last, temporal resting place. Can you nullify the past in HER eyes.

You are not going to gaslight her, though you could. You are going to re-write [the past YOU] into the NOW YOU.

If one could re-invent oneself...remold into a "sufficiently" different person...and do "it" unbeknownst to others, especially your WW, then maybe you can "win" her back.

Yes, it can be done....by you? ... Maybe. 

If you want her back and you are willing to do "Anything" to win her heart then I say it is possible. Your methods, motives/reasons, and tactics must be forever hidden. You must find that [unique for your situation]golden Ewe..... shear and harvest its wool...all in the dark of night.....and pull it over her eyes.

You must train yourself to become a Master Actor. A new man that consciously never varies its new "Role" in life's play. Can you do this?

It MUST be your new mission in life. 

Is she worth the effort? This is KEY. Are you up to the challenge? Are the rewards worth the investment? 

You would need to decipher "what sort of man" she specifically finds interesting. I am sure the generic "hot" man attributes would be helpful.

By acting, you can change your personality, which is the "face" that others see. You can change your physical body, but only so much.....losing weight, getting in shape, getting a face lift, remodeling your nose or features...are all possibilities. But you or I cannot become Brad Pitt.

You do not need to do the [excessive] face remodel, she loved you once for who you were and what you looked like. Just freshen your mug up.

Getting back to your former looks are not beyond the realm of possibilities.

Be mysterious, be happy and fun to be around. Be upbeat, a good listener. Be romantic, emphatic. DO NOT TALK TOO MUCH, or too little. Train yourself. choose your words carefully. Woo her, but subtlety. Women are very good at reading men.

Do not be needy....all the stuff Tammer's remind us about co-dependent men. Women like strong men. Men who lead, but who are not controlling. You must have it in you to compromise on small matters.

Is she looking for a new husband or a new lover? Be the new lover....the husband she desires. She has no need of the last one.

IF YOU HAVE TO ERASE THE "OLD YOU" THEN THE NEW ONE BETTER BE PALATIBLE TO YOUR TASTES. 

Else, find a women who likes you with minor changes. 

I would....but am not you. I am Mercury 225 HP, a smoky old [two-stroker, up/down].


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My dad used to say that when a woman looks at you and the love in her eyes is gone it's time to be moving in down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My "Uncle" Dale, RIP, was divorced from his first wife because she said the dreaded phrase. More than 20 years later, most of which he spent as my Aunt's SO, he and his first wife reconnected, remarried, and spent the last years of his life together. About a decade, maybe more, if I remember right. His ex seemed like a nice lady and she was even kind enough to let my Aunt know when Dale passed.

So, I know one story where ILYBNILWY resulted in an happy ending for the couple. And it took a 20 year separation.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> So myself included, lots of people come here when it's too late with their spouse.
> My personal opinion is that when a woman gives you the ILYBINILWY speech, the best thing is to just accept it and move on.
> I don't think there's any way to get their love back, and even of the spouse was 180'd and separated and saw how rough their life would be without their spouse, would they really be worth having back?
> 
> ...


Unless you weren't paying attention or didn't want to deal with it, a relationship has gone way downhill before the ILYBNILWY speech. The key is not to let the relationship slide to that point.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So how does one write a "positive" reply to a person who from what they write, wants their spouse back desperately; but it's obvious the leaving spouse has no intention of coming back no matter what, and the loyal spouse would be worse off if they were given hope or even an effective piece of advice that got their spouse back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Begin again said:


> Unless you weren't paying attention or didn't want to deal with it, a relationship has gone way downhill before the ILYBNILWY speech. The key is not to let the relationship slide to that point.


Often the slide is inevitable depending on the rpm of the rationalization hamster wheel.....


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You know I was sort of thinking about this the other day. I was disillusioned about marriage.
I watched way too many feel good family sit coms growing up which ended with the 2.5 kids, dig and parents all loving and accepting everything about each other.
News flash... That's not how the world works. Life doesn't unfold like a sit com or a Disney movie.
Marriage is incredible work and if you let things slide to the point of that speech then I think it is done.
No one can make love come back...no matter how hard you try.
I think the only way to save a marriage After an affair or if it erodes is if there is love there on both sides.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Redactus said:


> Often the slide is inevitable depending on the rpm of the rationalization hamster wheel.....


For every couple I've known where one cheated or left, I could give you the signs that their marriage was in trouble at least a year before the split/infidelity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's very very hard to accept the end of a marriage especially if you are in love and would do whatever to make it work. But sometimes we need to look at the big picture and ask is this really worth it? Worth being lied, cheated on, hurt whatever. Ultimately for me my answer was no. I want a companion who wants to be with me and if she doesn't then I will move on to find another. In the end we are all interchangeable it seems which sucks. However what sucks more is loving someone who doesn't love you back. That can be soul crushing . 

When one person checks out if they aren't interested in working to get it back its time to leave.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> So how does one write a "positive" reply to a person who from what they write, wants their spouse back desperately; but it's obvious the leaving spouse has no intention of coming back no matter what, and the loyal spouse would be worse off if they were given hope or even an effective piece of advice that got their spouse back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Having been through this scenario all I do is just try to let them know that they aren't alone and they will come out the other side ok. This is not what they want to hear. They want to hear some magical phrase on how to get their spouse back. But that's not going to happen and best thing to do is help the to know others have been through what they feel and came out of it ok


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I avoid threads where the OP is looking for someone to reassure him/her that they will get the fairytale ending they want. That type of outcome is uncommon (and definitely wasn't my experience) so I just don't post on those threads.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hate to see people hurting like I was, wanting any kind of lifeline or hope to grab into. I got the harsh truth here. It helped me follow through and start the divorce process quickly, and get some acceptance. Until I accepted my family as I knew it was history, I never got better. 
I see lots of similar situations like mine come up. People are starving for hope, and hope is what keeps them from reaching acceptance sooner. I have come to realize that hope can be a very hurtful and oppositional emotion in some cases.
I hate to be negative, but won't coddle people because I know how much it hurts and want the hurt to last as short a time as possible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The ILYBINILWY speech doesn't happen on a whim. The person has thought about it for a long time, and it signals their intent to leave the marriage. My lawyer tells me that typically a woman will decide and start planning her exit about a year before telling her husband. So when she says she wants divorce or gives the ILYBINILWY speech it is too late. She's been moving on for about a year already.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Thor said:


> The ILYBINILWY speech doesn't happen on a whim. The person has thought about it for a long time, and it signals their intent to leave the marriage. My lawyer tells me that typically a woman will decide and start planning her exit about a year before telling her husband. So when she says she wants divorce or gives the ILYBINILWY speech it is too late. She's been moving on for about a year already.


I must ask then, in your experience of seeing and hearing this repeatedly, have you seen it return from ILYBINILWY to ILWY if infidelity wasn't involved?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I've never heard of such a turnaround, though certainly it does happen. I think it is a very small minority of cases when it does happen.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I honestly think that with enough patience, time, and understanding I could have turned it around with my XWW, but quite frankly I realized she wasn't worth it and that I would never have the type of wife/relationship that I wanted with that sort of black mark in our history. Not everyone/every relationship is worth saving and sometimes you just need to know when to cut your losses and move on. 

On a positive note, this weekend I got notice of an IRS tax audit where "we" purportedly owe due to her secretly cashing out part of her retirement account behind my back and not paying income tax on the money back when we were married. I mailed out the innocent spouse form today with supporting documentation to the IRS and handed her the IRS bill to pay which she agreed to. Not my wife, so not my problem. If I hadn't divorced her due to the cheating and the ILYBNILWY speech, I would have filed once I found out about this financial infidelity.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I feel positively when someone comes on and starts a thread with something like, "I was talking to a friend of mine at work". If I read that they are asking about what they were told, I know they have not been brainwashed yet, and it's possible to get them to see their husband or wife in a better light. Most of the "talking" is bull**it anyway. It's the beginning stages and time to talk seriously and wake them up. 

After that, it's pretty much a crap shoot. They can do whatever doesn't wreck them when/if their spouse doesn't come around, but it's likely it won't work. Some will take a year or two to figure that out. Others will be crushed with the news of an unfaithful spouse, usually found out because the work being done was not wanted and the unfaithful let some things be discovered. 

When there is no infidelity, it's a matter of how long they've been unsatisfied and done all the wrong things to try and work things out. Usually, anyone who comes here, but not all, are beyond the point of help. 

Hey, it's just my opinion. Everyone has one.


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