# Should I point out gaslighting to WS?



## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

My wife and I have separated and have been apart for almost a month with almost no contact. We are going to meet this Sunday for the first time in two weeks. During our last meeting she told me she want's a divorce, but has made no movement toward this decision. 

Thanks to this site, I've learned a lot about what has gone on in our relationship. I've realized she was having a pretty standard EA which, I believe, has led to a PA. I've also realized she's been gaslighting me for months now; causing me to doubt myself and how I've handled things. I was trying so hard to be what she needed, not realizing she was just using gaslighting as an excuse for her actions. She isn't familiar with this term, but I think she'd be interested to hear about it. During our meeting on Sunday should I point out what I believe she's been doing to me? Should I point out situations where I've been gaslighted by her? Is this beneficial for me or her in any way?


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

No, don't do it. It will take a long time for her actions to sink in. I've been separated 6 months and keep making the mistake of thinking she will actually be rational. All it does is frustrate you!

If I was to do it all again I would not discuss anything as until they have enough sense to break all contact and show true remorse, otherwise it is a complete and utter waste or time.

My job is to write business cases, very logical and analytical but no matter how solid your argument is or how well you word it, it just falls on deaf ears.

What does work is to stand your ground and refuse to discuss anything other than practical issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

I think you're right. She thinks she has the world figured out and knows the truth about everything. She has no idea what she's doing from an objective standpoint. It's as if she's living in a fantasy world. The last thing I want is for her to be more irritated with me. She's already convinced herself she doesn't like me anymore. It seems like she's gone crazy, but this seems common with EA and PA's.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

She is in fantasy land and is in self protect mode, if she admits she might be wrong then suddenly she has to take responsibility and accountability - her fragile ego won't allow that to happen.

I still can't believe sometimes that she is really doing this because it is so crazy. The thing is that if you argue a point they interpret that as you wanting them back. Ever notice now frustrating it is when someone just agrees with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as she is having an affair, you have zero chance at reconciliation. Fact. 

Right now, she can't see straight. That is what an affair does to you. She is in La-La Land. Can't see anything for what it is. 

If she tells you "Well you did X and blah blah" you can call her out and say it's not true if it wasn't.

Do not beg or plead w/ her to get back withyou. It will have the opposite effect.

If the other man is married, tell his wife/partner. Expose the affair. 

The sooner you let her go, the stronger chance you have at reconciliation. Sounds ironic, right? But it's true. If she has no reason to miss you/feel your loss, she won't feel the weight of what she is doing.

If you cling, she will run away from you. So when you meet her this weekend and if she tells you "I want a divorce"--tell her "If that is what you want, yougot it because I have been thinking to myself and have decided I will not live in an open marriage. As long as you are having an affair, I want no part of your life." End point.

It will flip the game on her. Trust me. She will never expect you to have your sh*t together. 
You may want to post this in the Coping with Infidelity thread.


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## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Right now, she can't see straight. That is what an affair does to you. She is in La-La Land. Can't see anything for what it is.
> 
> If she has no reason to miss you/feel your loss, she won't feel the weight of what she is doing.


Jellybeans, I understand the concept of not clinging to her. I realize it will push her away. But, if she truly isn't seeing straight, which is exactly how it seems, how will she ever miss me? Couldn't it take months before she gains clarity? Of course, she may never see what she's done. I realize that too.

You commented on my other thread, and I think the when the guy gets married in two weeks things will really start changing.


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## jeffsdesigns (Jul 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> As long as she is having an affair, you have zero chance at reconciliation. Fact.
> 
> Right now, she can't see straight. That is what an affair does to you. She is in La-La Land. Can't see anything for what it is.
> 
> ...


Amen. it's true too. I know it's hard, but you need to do a 180. I did and it's slowly working for me. She is still in the fog. But, I know in time...things will change for the better. She is already thinking just that too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NotTraveling said:


> Jellybeans, I understand the concept of not clinging to her. I realize it will push her away. But, if she truly isn't seeing straight, which is exactly how it seems, how will she ever miss me?


The whole point of not pining is this: how can she miss if you don't go away??? 

Respect her wishes for wanting out and start doing 180s.

As for her gaining "clarity?" You need to accept her truth as just that. Right now, her truth is she wants out. You are still fighting her on it by thinking "how long for clarity?" She is in an affair. She's in Candyland. Not thinking logically. So let her be there and remove all your being there for her. No helping her, etc. No treating her like a romantic partner. Treat her like you would a co-worker: calm, cool, collected, UNEMOTIONAL.



NotTraveling said:


> You commented on my other thread, and I think the when the guy gets married in two weeks things will really start changing.


What thread are you talking about?


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## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...left-july-4th-wants-divorce-2.html#post379749


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I do remember now. 

Did you ever tell the OM's fiance?

Check it out--she is leaving with OM.... please have enough respect for yourself to end things now w/ her. Tell her NO DICE. Not even negotiable if she is living with him.

This is disastrous.


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## NotTraveling (Jul 20, 2011)

I met with my wife last night and I was confused on a lot of things. I do believe she had an EA with this guy, but I believe it's now over. Since she started living with the couple things have normalized and she is just a roommate. I now know she isn't involved with him. She's actually quite bored with the situation. She doesn't spend a lot of time with them and she doesn't really have any friends now. 

It's my understanding she wants to leave because she's never had independence and doesn't want to be held accountable for what she does. She is conflicted between We and I. She doesn't believe there can be an I if there is a We. Once she makes a decision she sticks with it, she's very stubborn in that way. This is why she wants a divorce. She doesn't want to be in limbo any longer. She doesn't want to drag things on. I believe we could work things out and I believe she would realize our relationship will never be how it was, but it takes two to find that out. Right now she isn't willing to do that.

As for the meeting, I wasn't as stoic as I'd hoped I would be. I did have her remove herself from our lease, but even that was hard and involved a few tears. For me, it's so hard to be stern with the one I love. I want to give the world to her, but I know that's not going to help things. That's not what she wants either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Give her the divorce she wants.

Stop fighting her on it. Let her go, it's what she wants.


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