# Married 4 years - need help



## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

I have been with my wife for over 7 years now and we have been married over 4 years. We have a great life together, I enjoy time with her and she enjoys her time with me.

About 2 months ago however she totally turned off sex, I mean wants really nothing to do with it, she says she does feel like it. She has become less affectionate to me and kind of wants her own space. She does not tell me she loves me, I feel as if she is dead sometimes.

I have been very patient now for 2 months however not feeling loved and there being no intimacy is having its effect on me.

I do not feel totally happy anymore. On discussing with her she says she is happy with me however just does not feel like sex.

I asked last night whether she would fight for me if I told her I was leaving and she said that was unsure as she knows that I am a great guy and maybe deserves someone that can give me all the things I want.

Anyone have any advice before I start couples counciling?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

you are wanting to bail after only 2 months without sex... seems your needs come first.

if I were you I'd go to the doctor with her to make sure her hormones are ok FIRST...
then if all is good there, counseling may help... you... to maybe treat your wife better and not be al about yourself, what YOu want and need. 
she is part of you now...
not something to dispose of when she does not give you what you want.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Preso

Maybe I gave you the wrong end of the stick. I have no intention of bailing at all, I just want to know that she is committed.

Good advice on the hormones though.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yeah, what happened 2 months ago? Something must have triggered this reaction. 

It could be hormones. Or something you did (or didn't) do. Does she work? Maybe stress on the job. Is she gone a lot (possible PA)?

I wouldn't be thinking of bailing at this stage. But I wouldn't live without sex either. I'd be trying to find out why she suddenly got this way.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Is she seeing someone else?
Classic signs my man, hate to tell you that.
Time to investigate. Emails, cellphone calls, texts. It's not snooping, it's not spying, it's investigating. You have a RIGHT to know if your wife is cheating on you. There's only two ways to find out;
1. Ask. (not very reliable because cheaters lie, and liers cheat)
2. Investigate.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Yes she has had a lot of stress at work even though it is a low level job. She does not travel at all, I am the one that travels one weekend a month.

I have investigated her mails, etc as I am a techie and found nothing and I also asked her and she said there was no one else, and I believe her as she has never lied to me, however I am always aware as well.

I think first case is check hormones. 

Around the time it happened I cannot think of anything. Sometimes she gets very depressed with her life not being able to find what it is she wants to do with her life and this happened around this time.

I am an owner of a large company and maybe it is tough being married to someone who is driven and knows everyday what they want.

I spend a lot of time with her and am a very intimate person, its just hard sometimes loving someone when you feel they are not in love with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Is there any chance she was sexually abused at an earlier time in her life? Her suddenly turning off like that could mean she had a flash back to something she'd repressed. You might want to ask, as gently as possible. Very odd, the suddenness, and it suggests something specific did happen. Good luck.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Sister 359 no not to my knowledge, I asked this when I first met her.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

she may not like being told your thinking about leaving if she won't have sex with you...
or you could be a bad lover... not meeting her needs... and she is just turned off.

could be hormone problems too... certain tumors can cause loss of libido, you should first make sure she is PHYSICALLY HEALTHY before trying to figure out what her emotional problems could stem from... but it seems they occured after marrying you
so I'm sure it's something having to do with the marriage and partnership that has lost its one time luster and she 
is turned off now.

Sex is a part of a healthy relationship, sex is not the relationship

just had to say that...


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Preso totally understandable. We get on very well and have fun we do not argue, however I just feel like she is a zombie sometimes and shows no emotion to me.

With regards to her personal health she does suffer from cysts in her ovaries, could this be a problem?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

When my ex and I were first together, it was sex all the time. Looking back now, I think it was something I though would bond us together. Then I got a bacterial infection(not uncommon), and between the medication and everything else. I didn't want it as much as he did. We were 17 at the time, and he was wanting it 24/7. I didn't. He cheated on me. I took him back, but wanted it less.

I think hormones and emotions are major factors in this. He was the kind of guy that if I just looked at him and was breathing, he was aroused. I just wanted affection without sex. That didn't happen.

Maybe if you just give her space, some interest, cuddling, with no sex attached....she may feel like you value her with no sex involved. It may lead to more?

Just talking off the top of my head here.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

robert6-
just to give us some background... are you both quite attractive and in good shape? Hormones don't usually change suddenly without a reason. What can change suddenly is someone's patience. 

My guess is that she is resentful of you for something. She has been putting her feelings on hold, but it has probably got too much for her. She won't tell you of course - that's not the way it works. 

Because you are a techie, maybe she is not so stupid as to have an affair by email. But form the way you tell it, she is ripe for an affair. Don't make the mistake of thinking her libido has dropped. The only thing you know for sure is that her desire for *you *has dropped. I would say you are in the danger zone. Two months without sex is a red flag. The fact that you have let it go for this long is also a red flag.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

I have done some serious investigation with regards to her cheating as well as being very serious and asking her as well and I do not think it is that.

Sex was always great before and we have a very communicative relationship even during these 2 months. Not having sex for 2 months is not really the big issue here, I am just trying to understand what turns some one off like this over night, as it was like the week before we were having sex and then it stopped, so I wanted to understand the reason.

I kind of went through a similar thing a while back where I just did not feel like having sex, I understood kind of what she was going through, but I knew I just had to get back on the horse.

I am going to investigate a bit further but feel like a bit of an idiot doing it anymore as I am 99% sure it is not this, but who ever knows 100%??


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

robert6 said:


> Sister 359 no not to my knowledge, I asked this when I first met her.


You should ask again. I have a friend whose wife suddenly turned off sex, and it turned out she had a flashback to a rape she had not "remembered" before then. Pretty tough stuff, but they worked it out beautifully. If it wasn't really a sudden change, then this is not likely--but what you wrote made it sound like it was. Good luck.


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## marriagehelp12 (Apr 8, 2009)

My first marriage this happened to me also. She was emotionally involved with someone else and when I found out it was too late...if she suddenly wants space AND no sex I don't agree with the hormonal change, been there too twice, not wanting sex maybe, wanting to be apart from you....that is something else my friend. good luck with this.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

robert6-
The #1 passion killer for women is a slow build up of resentment. See if you tick any of these boxes.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How old are the two of you?

She's not telling you the whole story.

Sure, there are dry spells. But 2 months is more than a dry spell.

Especially with her saying you maybe should explore other options.

Depression, lack of sex, no obvious other guy. This cries out for investigation, medical checkup, marriage counseling. 

Something changed in the last six months. Expressed in the last two months. 

Find ot what it is.


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## Cams (Jun 3, 2009)

I don't know. I agree with some people's posts. She doesn't want sex and she wants space. Every human being needs space, but every person needs another for emotional support, physical attention...if she isn't open to it with you...someone must be. She doesn't have to be physical with someone either...it could be an emotional affair with someone. It could be taking all of her energy and not leaving any emotions left for you.

Maybe I am wrong though. She could be going through hormonal changes.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Guys I wanted to give you an update:

I spoke with the Mrs last night and told her I had been seeking advice. I asked her to explain how she felt but also how she felt when she sees me after work, etc.

She said that she is happy and that when she sees me she is also happy and in love with me. However just does not feel like having sex. I asked her if there was anything around 2 months ago that may have triggered this, however she said no. I asked about any emotional relationship she had and she said no.

I asked her to be 100% honest with me and I would not get angry, we never really get angry with each other, rather placid when it comes to fighting. I asked her if I was a bad lover and she said no way, she said why would should orgasm everytime we have sex if I was a bad lover when her past boyfriends could never make her?

I am 27 and she is 28 (someone had asked this before).

I am totally head over heels for my wife and always have been, I am person that gives 100% to everything in my life once committed, but this also leaves me open to getting 100% hurt but probably needing 100% back.

My wife says she will be fine just needs some time, however she is committed. I mentioned about seeing a relationship therapist and have found one, however she is not sold on the idea but will do it for me and our relationship.

Thoughts?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

wait.... she said none of her past men could make her orgasm?

hmm. thats very odd.
Something fishy going on here in your relationship, as she is 28 and no other man could make her orgasm but you?

? were there only 2 men in her past you and one other?

I suspect she has been sexually abused in childhood now after reading that no other man but you could make her orgasm.
That is mighty odd for her to say.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can she articulate what she needs in terms of space and why she needs it? 

When someone says, "I need space." It can mean several things.

- They feel smothered (Overbearing, controlling, or needy partner)
This perception can be real or imagined.

- They are having an identity crisis regarding who they are, or what their life has become. There is a pervasive feeling of missed, or lost opportunity in asserting their sense of self.

- Stress, Depression, Anxiety
All can wreak havoc with your sense of well-being, and consequently, your libido.

- An affair.
I think the reason people here see a red flag is because how she is behaving, and what she is telling you do not make sense. The most insidious lies that a cheater will tell you, are the ones meant to reassure you. 
I wouldn't dwell on this option. Once again, by jumping right to an affair, you are by default, setting up adversarial circumstances where they are not yet warranted.

Who calls the shots in your relationship?

Who initiates or decides when you have sex?

Who makes the financial decisions?

Maybe the easier question to ask, is: What is your wife accountable for in your marriage?

What activities does she pursue that give her joy?

Keep in mind, everyone here is well-meaning, but if you keep hammering her with questions, you risk alienating her further.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Dejo

I appreciate your feedback and some of the things you say help.

Who calls the shots in your relationship?
- Typically I would say I am the stronger character as she can be very indecisive sometimes. However I am aware of this and therefore try sometimes to get to make the decisions

Who initiates or decides when you have sex?
- It used to be me, then it became her and then was both of us, but now is me and she does not 'feel like it'.

Who makes the financial decisions?
- I earn about 6 times more than she does and pay the mortgage and some of the bills. She takes care of smaller bills and then her wages are hers to spend how she wishes.

Maybe the easier question to ask, is: What is your wife accountable for in your marriage?
- She is accountable for the general running of the house day to day however she does not clean much as we have a maid. Investments she has and so do i with regards to real estate however it is always a joint decision, but mainly I would say it is mine. Financially we do not have to worry.

- She keeps me sane and is always my sounding board for business ideas and investments.

What activities does she pursue that give her joy?
- She loves photography, travel, going out with friends movies. I travel with her all over the world while she does photography as I like wildlife and culture so we both enjoy this. I try to get her to be more adventurous sometimes with rafting, go karting etc, however I never want to push too hard.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Just to clarify this many mothers later, she was cheating on me!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So what is the state of play now?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Robert,

You have done NOTHING wrong. She is the one totally in the wrong here. She has stopped having sex totally and acts like she does not love you and offers no explanation. That is a cruel thing to do to a man. He feels rejected and unloved. 

When you ask her if she would fight for you - which is a way of asking if she still wants to be with you - she says she is not sure. 

You have to do what you want. For me - if my wife froze me out in bed for 2 months and acted like she didn't love me and offered NO EXPLANATION - I would insist on counseling. 

This is the same thing as if you decided 2 months ago that you were not going to speak to her any more. You just didn't feel like it. She would be freaking out. She would think you don't love her or care about her needs. And - she would be right. 

If you act like a doormat - people wipe their feet on you. 

How old are you? How old is she?

If she had a medical problem that was messing up sex - she would have told you. You seem desperate to try to make excuses for her. The most likely cause is - she is having an affair and no longer loves you. 



robert6 said:


> Preso totally understandable. We get on very well and have fun we do not argue, however I just feel like she is a zombie sometimes and shows no emotion to me.
> 
> With regards to her personal health she does suffer from cysts in her ovaries, could this be a problem?


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Daaaaaaaamn. That's crazy. Thanks for coming back and giving us an update though. So what are the details on her cheating and how'd you find out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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