# Can't get past it



## dontcare (May 1, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and I'll try to explain as much as possible. I've been married for 15yrs and I have 3 children. My husband has always been controlling and verbally & emotionally abusive. It was really bad at the beginning but has gotten better over the last few years. I don't have any close friends because of him and his jealousy, but I've stuck it out because of the kids. Well my kids are growing (my youngest is 11) and I find myself really considering divorce. At times my resentment towards him is so strong that I think I can hate him. 

Here's a little background to his behaviour. The worst was at a wedding we went to with his sister. We were seated by a group of younger people. (Husband is in his 40s and I'm in my 30s). The group was both guys and girls, but deep down I knew this would be a problem for him. How could I ask for different seating, I couldn't. The way the seating went I had to turn in my seat facing the younger group to see the bride and groom dance and everything else. When I told him we had to go he was drunk, but we left. I went to the ladies room with sister in law and when I came out he was pissed. (cause he couldn't find me). He proceeds to insult me calling me a ***** and prostitute and that I was checking the guys out and he's surprised I didn't get slapped by the other girls for checking their men out. This all went down in front of his sister and the valet attendant. I was mortified. His sis knew of his tirades but I don't think she ever imagined it was that bad.

He apologized the next day, but still blamed everything on me because he still says I was looking at those guys. So to me his apology is not sincere. He not only accuses me of liking other guys but also women. ie: We had a barbecue and after almost everyone had left this guy and his wife were still there. Since it was a little chilly outside we were both sitting on the stairs inside my house chatting it up and lauging. After they left he went ballistic accusing me of doing something with her. Mind you her kids and my oldest 2 were right there. He's always insulted me by calling me names, but what I've always hated most was being accused of things that I haven't done. I've always gotten past this for the sake of my family. But I can't get past what he's done now.

About 2 years ago I noticed him oggling my sister. I kept telling myself I was being paranoid. But then my mother tells me that my sis told her that he's been bothering her, I confronted him and he denied it and what not. But I knew that it was true. I started watching his every move. Not because I was hurt but because I thought this was my chance to finally say it's over. The thing is that he believes is witchcraft and all that juju, I don't. I caught him coming down from the attic one day and I thought that was weird he looked nervous. So I waited and when I was alone went up to the attic. I found all types of "love spells" that had my sis name on it. I couldn't believe it. Is he crazy or what? I really think he has feelings for her or is obssesed. What pisses me off the most is that after all I've put up with this is what he does in our own house right above where we sleep. It really pisses me off to think that he accuses me of all types of crap yet he is doing this crazy stuff.

Am I wrong to want out? I feel trapped in my own home. When he's not there I feel like I can breathe.


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## Dougal33 (May 1, 2013)

His behaviour is very odd indeed (well the spells and stuff). But the controlling jealousy and ogling your sister seems all too common - a case of don't do as I do; do as I say. You sound very unhappy and it is easy to see why. Is he a good dad? Does this make it harder for you? Listen to your heart - do you love him or has marriage become a bad and damaging habit. If so probably best to get out. I wish you and your family all the best.


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## dontcare (May 1, 2013)

Douglas you are correct. He is all about do as in I say not do. He is a great dad. It's the only reason I've lasted so long. But I'm miserable and want out.


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## Dougal33 (May 1, 2013)

There's your answer. Misery is contagious. I'm sure your children must sense it. If counselling is out of the question it's probably time to move on.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Wait what? Love spells? Juju? Heh.

I'm with Dougal, this guy doesn't appear to have much respect for you. Your sister? Calling you names? Never put up with that sort of behaviour, once he gets away with it (and blames you while apologizing!!!), he's likely to get worse unless you deal with it.

Deal with it, or walk.


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## dontcare (May 1, 2013)

Dougal, thanks for your advice. 

Caladan, yes he actually apologizes and still blames me. Very passive agressive. I know juju is not an actual word but it's what I call all that crap he believes in. I've dealt with it for many years, and I've asked for a divorce twice in the past 2 years. He's always says he sorry and he won't insult me or be a jerk, but after a while he goes back to his old self. I'm just tired of it all. Sometimes I feel completely drained, like an old woman. We haven't talked in 2 days cause I told him that when I had my own place I'd be able to do what I wanted in my own house. This is because he is very controlling and wants things done his way. I always tell him he wants to be the man and the lady of the house. But anyways he knows that what I really want is a separation. Everytime I mention it he gets crazy, but he knows it's coming.


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