# Financial infidelity



## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

Has anyone dealt with financial infidelity?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm aware of your problems with your husband's lying and extreme financial infidelity four years ago. Are you still mired in this mess?

You did not listen to TAM at that time, but did seem to listen to 'people' who said stay with him because he is a nice guy. Do you still see him as a nice guy? I could not/would not live like you described. Did he ever have any therapy?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

On December 18, 2014, you reported you were "miserable" after cleaning up your husband's $20K debt. 

So, here we are four years later, and it sounds like he's still mismanaging money and abusing its use by being financially irresponsible. Correct me if I'm wrong.

At this point, it is not about you. Your husband owns his financial mess. What you own is how you want to proceed and treat what I assume is his latest financial indiscretion.

So what do you own here? You bailed him out four years ago. You reported you had a decent job. I believe you also said you were staying for the sake of the kids. Sorry, that doesn't necessarily fly. You are miserable, your husband sounds like he has the financial expertise of an irresponsible teenage boy, and you are still pondering - again, I'm assuming this - of whether you should stay or leave.

Leave. Now. Go out and live your life on your terms. This marriage sounded awful four years ago. It doesn't sound like anything has changed/improved.

As we say in Al-Anon, "Nothing changes if nothing changes." Seriously.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

britchic80 said:


> Has anyone dealt with financial infidelity?


*I've never quite heard it referred to "financial infidelity."

Think that you would properly refer to it as "lying and gross deception!"*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Learn from your mistakes. You are the only one who can help yourself.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Yes. 

Both types of infidelity hurt like hell.

Are you back with your partner?


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## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

I found 11 credit cards on his credit karma and he claims it's a mistake


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So who do you consider the fool to be?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

There are other free credit score sites, wonder if there is the same mistake on them all?
Have a look.

If there is a mistake (I suppose there is a chance of identity fraud) then he needs to contact them to get those cards removed from his credit score. See what he says to that.

Does he ever receive post/mail that he doesn't open on front of you? Just wondering how far off from debt collectors you might be.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wishing over the years will not fix this. He has an addiction that must be treated professionally. Research folks in your area that are experienced with treatment. He must want to help himself and, if you want things to be different, insist on your boundaries.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I agree with sunsetmist this is an addiction and he needs
treatment. You are an enabler by covering for him so much.
He has not changed in four years why should he do so now.
You are there, putting him out then taking him back doesn't work.
She is just upset and will take me back, that is exactly what your 
inaction says to him. You love him but your not helping him.

You need to be serious about him leaving. Do it legally and get
child support, and other things.If he agrees he has a problem 
then he needs to get help. If not then let him go. Do you plan
on spending the rest of your life like this ? Your retirement money
will go away quickly if you do. What about the kids and what will
they learn from this ? Stand firm on this and take legal action to
protect yourself, assets, and kids future. Do not work hard all of your 
life and then be broke because of him. Maybe he will see you are serious
and change, maybe not but he has to want to change. 

He has to fix himself, you can't, and stop listening to friends who
do not know the whole truth. It is your life and your choice.
Stop being an enabler, make him take responsibility for his actions.

You may not want child support from him but take it. It belongs
to the kids, put it in an account for them then. Even if you think 
you can support them on your own.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

britchic80 said:


> I found 11 credit cards on his credit karma and he claims it's a mistake


Like I said, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Get help for yourself to figure out why you are still with this loser. Seriously.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

After four years, surely you can see this pattern and that nothing is going to change. Those people who encouraged you to stay with this rat? Tell them you will be sending THEM the bills he has racked up behind your back and that THEY can bail his ass out. 

ARE YOU DONE YET??


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## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

I think am


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You think you are or do you know you are ?

Stop thinking about it and take charge of your life.
I think you have gone through this pattern before.
This time stand firm and don't let him back in your life.
Let him go stay with those friends who like him so much.

if you are done be sure and do it legally for your protection.
Assets, kids, house etc.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sa58 said:


> if you are done be sure and do it legally for your protection.
> Assets, kids, house etc.


The operative words here are "do it legally". Go to an attorney. This does not mean that you have to proceed with legal actions. Just go for advice. Explain all of the situation to the attorney, and listen to what he/she has to say. Find an attorney who practices family law in the locality where you live.

Find out all of the ways in which you have the "power"..... then take that way..... and make it iron-clad....where he can have absolutely no choice.
Take every dollar in any joint accounts out, now, and put all that in your name only. Keep any paychecks, or monies, being deposited only into accounts in your name, only. FOREVER.

The other thing..... IMO, you should not use the euphemism "financial infidelity" to describe this. @arbitrator has it exactly right. Use his words "lying and gross deception". I learned a long time ago to not use the word "infidelity" to describe what my wife did. 

What she did was ADULTERY. A violation of God's 7th commandment.
What your husband is doing is violating the 8th and 9th commandments of God. And, yes, I have added the word "steal" to @arbitrator's.
That's what it is. Your husband is stealing from you and from your family.

And, BTW, all these three commandments are in the same list as the 5th commandment, "Thou shalt not murder".

The problem here is that our "modern" and "progressive" society only considers the 8th commandment applicable when it is done to someone other than the spouse, and the 9th commandment only applicable when it is done under oath. And, when it comes to the 7th commandment, it's fuhgedaboudit.....we don't care at all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> The operative words here are "do it legally". Go to an attorney. This does not mean that you have to proceed with legal actions. Just go for advice. Explain all of the situation to the attorney, and listen to what he/she has to say. Find an attorney who practices family law in the locality where you live.
> 
> Find out all of the ways in which you have the "power"..... then take that way..... and make it iron-clad....where he can have absolutely no choice.
> Take every dollar in any joint accounts out, now, and put all that in your name only. Keep any paychecks, or monies, being deposited only into accounts in your name, only. FOREVER.
> ...


*Except whenever we find ourselves being an unwitting victim to the theft!*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My XW hid debt from me that I discovered during the divorce proceedings. Had I found out when we were married I would have divorced her over it. My thinking is either you are a team working together towards your common goals or you aren't...it's very black and white. Someone that is actively sabotaging your future is not a good partner and not relationship material.


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## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

Any advice on how to start the discussion if ending the relationship?


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## britchic80 (Dec 18, 2014)

Fun times. He is now saying they are work credit cards and work made a mistake. Some of these accounts are from 2017. I can't even .lol


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First step I think would be to see a lawyer. Find 
out your legal rights and decide how to proceed.
You don't have to tell him if you don;t want to.
He will just make more excuses probably. He has
just done that about the credit cards so he will
continue that pattern probably. Find out your
options for your protection first.

Once you find out your legal options, tell him 
your done and want a divorce. Tell him you are 
done covering for him and want your life back.
You have given him a chance ( four years )
Be sure you are done and don't listen to any
of his lies and the friends who say give him another 
chance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

britchic80 said:


> Fun times. He is now saying they are work credit cards and work made a mistake. Some of these accounts are from 2017. I can't even .lol


I have a buddy who would love to tell you all about this topic......he's completely financially ruined now....but at least he is divorced.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

I would never tolerate this type of thing. I must have my financial house in order. It’s not ok and never would be ok with me to have a relationship with a financially irresponsible person. Is it ok with you?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

britchic80 said:


> Any advice on how to start the discussion if ending the relationship?


Yep. If you are ending the relationship, begin by telling him "...if you have anything to communicate to me, call my lawyer. Here's his card.....". The discussion has thusly ended.

If you are not ending the relationship, then get all of your money under your control, only. Ask your lawyer what you can do about his credit card problem, to pay the least possible amount of them, and allow the burden of his actions to fall squarely upon his head.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'll keep my answer as succinct as all of your posts in this thread.

Lawyer up.


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