# 11 yr age difference...guilt eating me alive



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

New here. Found forum doing search of age differences in marriages, feeling changes etc. Married 12 yrs, together 18, husband 11yrs senior. I'm his second marriage. He didn't want to marry prior, due to age diff said I deserved somone to give me kids in life. He has son, (now older) born with some physical medical issues. At time wasn't to live, but did and his wonderful. No mental issues or limitations. He didn't want to go through again. Anyway..at time (I 27) didn't care about kids. Wanted to be with him. We were best of friends, connected at hip. He asked me to marry. Awesome marriage, then 4 yrs in I'm pregnant. He freaks, but then enjoys with me. My worste nightmare happens, 2 days before induce date, we lose our daughter.. No reasons. STillborn. Thought for sure he would leave me. Didnt'. Year later, I want to try again. He doesn't. He goes back to what I feel was normal life, always busy, always working. I felt alone, wanted something for me so lazy in birthcontrol. Didn't care. Felt I deserved second chance. Ended pregnant. Hubby mad. Schedule vasectomy right away. Didn't enjoy pregnancy, he wouldn't even speak of it to people. Daughter arrives and she is now 6 and apple of his eye. Two years ago moved out of town grew up in. Distance from my mom. She's only family left. My dad died two weeks after stillborn, then FIL passed when daughter was 6mos. So my mom is only family close. Since move, and now age 40, feel alone still. Love hubby to death. Joind Facebook, see alot of old H.S. friends still connecting,doing things, enjoying life still. Me..feel no identity. Truly no freinds other than ones through hubby. All older. Realize I messed up not having good friends growing up. Always in serious relationship. Counseld briefly. Asked what friend impacted mylife growing up. No one. Have not one peson to say. Hubby content to stay home do only family things. He works non stop. Always has, nothing new. I feel lost all of a sudden. Miss having 'fun' connections. No sex drive. Hate myself, looks, body. Depressed i'm sure. I feel I should be the one in 50's not him. Hate that cuz I have 6yr old who deserves more from me. He hates I'm on FB. Said he should be all I need. He doens't need friends me and daughter is all he needs. I feel now, close to 20yrs later, our generation gap is issue. He was 38 when we married, close to my age now. I was 28. He said if me leaving is what would make me happy then we need to work that out that people make mistakes and if I made mistake then so be it. I don't view him as mistake. We lost a child and our dads together. Never a mistake. He was my best friend. Problem being, I feel that's where we've ended up...friends. I feel so terribly guilty for that. He reminds me of how "you said you didn't care about kids, marriage was forever, nothing changes it's just a piece of paper". That's what I believed at 27. I was on my own only 1year. Lived with him 4 of the 5 together. Is that issue? Now I've grown, matured, have this notion to be independent at age 40? We just seem so different now. It does sadden me. He sold house he owned, grew up in for the one we have now. I feel horrible about that. Told him if came down to it, he could have it all I'd start over. Feel least I could do came in with nothing, leave with nothing. His job sucks, so I"m now sole financial person or bigger part anyway. He said at his age cannot start over in in this state. Feels would have to move out of state to start over and that kills him due to our daughter. So now, I will be blame if he moves. At 40 I miss being daddies girl, having my dad. Can't image my 6yr old without one. Feel I should just put on happy face, suck it up and push my feelings aside. Better to have 1 life unhappy than 2 (his and daughters). I think my sign was when I didn't care about his feelings 6yrs ago and got pregnant. Was that my first sign shouldv got out? Feel like the worste wife and women on earth right now. Sorry so long. So much more could say. Seen similar post and thought may be mentally this would help to talk out to strangers.


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## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Wow, there's a lot going on in your message. I can only speak to parts of it. 

You can try to suck it up and put on a happy face but in my experience, that does more harm than good to yourself and eventually everyone around you (including your 6 yr old). 

Kids can make it through divorces - they just need to be loved, and supported by both and not put in the middle - I know I have a beautiful wonderful 20 year old who went through a horrific divorce in her teens of her father and I.

Don't worry about being blamed if you get a divorce. People need people to talk about and you're never going to make everyone happy. You have to think of yourself and your 6 year old.

It sounds selfish but you have to do what is right for you - if that is staying and going into counseling and working it out - then fine, do that. If that is leaving and making your own life - do that. (I talk big but I am struggling to leave my own marriage right now - very afraid to hurt the H).

Oh and another thing - Facebook makes you think that everyone is out having all this fun doing all these things and it can make you feel as though you're missing something. I am proud to say that I DEACTIVATED my very active page just a few days ago and I feel very free!

Best of luck to you! Keep reading and posting on here - it really does help I think.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Thank you. I did deactive my account as well on Facebook. Does help. Yes, the post here are very reassuring that I'm not completely and utterly insane and a nut case. As you, do not want to hurt my H, last thing in world. But longer it goes, the more hurt I know I'm causing. Gonna try to focus on physical medical aspect of me first. See what happens. Thanks again for time in reading and responding.


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