# at a total loss



## BeccaMac (Feb 23, 2008)

Good Morning...
I found this forum this morning after I had a rather explosive outburt at my husband around 7am. Yes... I had the outburts... he just laid there and looked at me. The dysfunctions of my marriage have turned me into a tyrant who is so burnt out emotionally that getting really angry, borderline violent, is the only way I know how to communicate. And we all know that's not really communication.
My story... I've been married just over a year to a man I've been with for 10 yrs. Last January my husband's career as a commercial diver all up dried up. He spent the first half of the year trying to switch companies and get work that way... and failed to do so... around October he gave up that and began looking for work locally doing anything to get by. Meanwhile I have supported us (barely)... We live with my gracious mom because we can't afford otherwise. Our credit has been ruined and we are in debt up to our eyeballs. All the work I do never seems to pay enough. Now, I realize this could stress any marriage but my view point on this is.... we're going through a very rough financial patch as a lot of married couples do in life. It's not the end of the world and if anything, we have each other to get by on. Well my husband... he says he agrees but he doesn't show it. I'm left feeling so hollow... unappreciated, taken advantage of, unloved. I need the intimacy and closeness a marriage provides to reafirm that all my hard work is justified and I'm getting the bare minimum from him. My husband goes through spells of trying really hard around the house or looking for a job... then falls back into staying up all night, sleeping all day and being totally unproductive. It's a slap in the face for me to come home after working all day only to make dinner and finish laundry. It's damaging to me to have to beg my husband to go to bed with me.... and beg him to have sex with me. How do you have sex with someone when they are in the other room on the computer all night? We usually spend 6pm-9:30pm together and then as soon as I look sleepy he's off to be on the computer and stays there until 4am or later. I've told him how much this bothers me. I've told him that it's inappropriate for him to be out of work and living like he's on vacation. I feel more like his nagging *****y mother than I do his wife. I can't tell you the last time we had sex... not even for valentines day or my birthday this month. Instead, he played his new computer game. This entire week I've been upset about his late nights. I finally said on Wed. that he should be in bed by midnight and up by the time I go to work in the mornings.... and spend M-F productivly until he has a job. Friday night and Saturday nights he can stay up late. But then after he spent the night on the couch, I came home feeling very upset and I cried to him that I needed more from him. It's not just his sleep schedule... it's how much lacks in intimacy in our relationship. He did well that night... hugged me and spent the evening with me and went to bed with me.... but last night I woke up to find him online at 4:30am again. His excuse was that "technically it was friday and I said he could do that" but I was so hurt that all he could think about was what HE wanted... and didn't take me into consideration or think... hmmm.... maybe I should be with her again tonight. Nope. Then he slept in another room and when I found him there this morning I exploded and once again I'm the bad guy.
I need help. I'm so lost as to what to do.


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## GinaGrey (Feb 28, 2008)

Wow. Ok So are you working and feel like you are doing all the work in the marriage and he has really done nothing. You stated he has tried to look for work. Do you feel he really is trying or not so much. Does he like the current situation of living with your mom? DO you feel he is comfortable with that? Or do you feel that he wants to improve your living situation? 

As far as the connections you desire? Has this started since he left the job or before? First I want you to know that you are validated for wanting those things, love, intimacy and sex. You deserve it, like we all do. May I ask you a question are you just demading he come take care of you or are you offering anything in return. Are you being supportive for him? When is the last time you seduced him? I realize he is doing nothing FOR YOU. But i need to know once again was he more attentive when he had the job? When was the last time you two were connected and really enjoying one another? 
I believe I may be able to help I have helped several couples near your situation and it improved everyones relationship, greatly. If you would like some advice please let me know. And possibly it will help him get some self confidence back as well and go get that job.
Hope to hear from you soon
Gina Grey


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## kevin (Feb 15, 2008)

I am in a similar position as your husband, I am a carpenter in Michigan and our economy is really bad, there are more of us laid off right now than there are those working. So I can understand his feelings. Not sure why his job disappeared, but not being able to work and provide for you will knock down his self-esteem. It is very difficult for men to talk about problems that don't seem to have a solution. Talking about them only makes them worse for me because I can't do anything about getting a job anyway. If he has tried and failed repeatedly, that kind of rejection is hard and he can't talk to you because then in a weird way that validates that he is of no worth to you. And when you say you are living in your "gracious mothers" house, he knows that too, and it could also make him feel more depressed. I am sure that you don't want your relationship to be what it is, you don't like nagging him, then don't. If he feels unconditional love from you, he could be more likely to feel better about himself and hopefully could get a job of some sort. 

I suspect he doesn't like not being intimate with you, but not having a job and living in your mothers house make it very hard for him to feel like a man. That may sound stupid, but men do have feelings, we just don't often share them. I might suggest the two of you get in the car and go on a date, and in some secluded spot seduce him, get him away from your mothers house and he might be more interested in sex. 

Little things could lead to bigger things and you could be able to talk things out, but that won't change everything, it sounds like he needs a job to have a feeling of worth. If he trusts you still love him and aren't thinking of leaving him, he should respond to you much better. And if that doesn't work, throw the bum out.

Kevin


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

My husband had been laid off for about 6 months. During that time he was very deperessed and he felt worthless. A husband can withdraw from his wife because he feels like he does not have anything to offer and probably feels like a leech. I think you should make finding a job a team effort. The quicker he gets back to work the better it will be for all of you. You won't feel any resentment and he won't feel like a child. Good luck.


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## BeccaMac (Feb 23, 2008)

Thank you for the responses. In the past week, my husband and I have had discussions about the situation almost daily. I may have finally reached him when I told him that I didn't know who he was anymore but he was not the man I married... that I thought he was broken and finding just enough pleasure in things like computer games to keep him going, that he was severely depressed and that for the past year I had been trying every way I knew how to keep him going... yelling, crying, talking, doing things for him etc and that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live our life for the both of us. I gave him one month to work with me and get back on his feet. After one month, if there was no progress I told him I'd be contacting both his parents for their help since he's so good at keeping them in the dark about how bad off he really is... and I wouldn't keep any nasty detail from them. If that didn't work, I was going to kick him out. As luck should have it, he got called for 2 interviews this past weekend and one was very promising. I'm on pins and needles waiting for word on the job. I agree that finding work would help things greatly. I also agree that our lack of intimacy has been hindered by being at my mom's and having less privacy. However, I do recall thinking it odd that visiting our parents always seemed to set him off and he never seemed to mind the lack of privacy then so it's not THAT good of an excuse. I just think the current dynamics of our relationship keep him from feeling like trying. Yes I do try to seduce him. I'm often upset about how many times I shower and then reapply makeup before bed or slip into something sexy to sleep in just hoping to get attention only to feel my time was wasted. It's been over 3 weeks... and our talks lately haven't resulted in anything physical but he has managed to go to bed and wake up on a decent schedule so I guess one step at a time.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

I hope he gets the job. Counsleing would also do wonders in your situation. Has he always been like this or has things changed because he is not working?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Depression often takes a long time to fix, you don't snap out of it one day, but as you said as long as there is progress.

draconis


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## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

It's hard on you carrying all the burden of running a home and providing for the family. It's hard for him knowing that as the 'man of the household' he is not able to do his 'job' of providing a roof for you. It will make him think of himself as less of a man, and depression once it sets in is hard to shake.

It is all a question of how much you are willing to take, to help him get back on his feet. Love is something that can give you unlimited strength to deal with the hard knocks life serves up. 

Perhaps enlisting his parents support will help too. Keeping fingers crossed that here is good news on the job front, as I know that if that doesn't come throough, it will be a further blow to his self esteem and manhood.


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