# Help needed with LC



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

My story is too long to outline but 26 years with my wife, 9 year old boy who is my oxygen..wife having an EA/PA.

Been 6 months through hell, marriage problems before like everyone but moved to a new city for a new start, wife was on board, but moved first, while i stayed behind to tie up loose ends and try to sell our house...took 6 months...during that time wife had a traumatic work experience ( fired after three months for political reasons...very wrong...) trigger went off, someone other jerk was there to provide comfort while I wasn't. Wife spiraled into a deep MLC + depression...I arrive I meet a different woman...love you but no in love with you etc. I spend 5 months trying to repair things, in vain...now separated. I kicked her out of the house we are renting down to her OM. 

Truth is I still love this woman and the dream of my family, but I am ready to move on. Maybe one day...I can forgive if she comes to her senses, maybe not...right now I am building stone heart and her family have all said " screw her " go find someone new who will love you. Note...I contributed plenty to where we are today ( not adultery but taking badly for granted coupled with over partying etc....so no angel.. but the plan on BOTH sides was to change scenery and work on a new chapter. That plan changed.

I am obviously very hurt but over the major hump of feeling lost every day.

Now to my question...I am basically in full blown LC ( have my baby boy to talk about and finances ). She refuses to talk about divorce, although I am basically ready to throw a legal separation at her...money is an issue and there is more but again too long to get into.

What continues to throw me is how to talk to her given the LC status. I say very little and keep things short except when it comes to discussions about our son...she is the one who screwed me and my son out of our family and is having an affair, yet when I dropped my son off not long ago, she greets me with a smirk, as if I am the one having the affair and the one who has pissed away a 20 year marriage, as if I am the one who is at fault.

I repeat her family is absolutely disgusted with her. I will also note that part of my strength comes from the fact that the guy she is with WAS a friend so she talked about him a great deal and told me things like he doesn't do his laundry for 2 months, he lives with roomates, plays xbox for hours, likes to go to strip clubs, drives a beige appliance of a car ( my wife is somewhat selfconsious of appearances. She wanted me to get a new car here, even though my Audi is not that old...you get the picture. I am a professional, good looking have style etc. In other words, he is without question the lesser man and makes less money...all things I would never judge in a person except that this is the man my wife chose over me.

So how does one handle LC ? am I supposed to be short and dry or am I supposed to text in a brief but friendly manner ? I want to play this game but do it more as though I am luring her into a trap rather than putting her on the defense or as some have said in a position of control. I don't see her enough for her to sense that I am letting go, so how do I let her know that ? If I am short and dry she likely thinks I am angry and therefore still emotional...which would make her right I am angry but it's part of my letting go process. I want her to feel some pain...to really understand what she has thrown away. As mentioned, I am a good looking ( not concieted ) intelligent, well groomed, fit guy so fortunately I don't have to take any major steps in that department, but I want to know how to play the mind game. I think I have it but then like this afternoon, I drop my son off and she smirks and all I want to do is rage all over her. I don't of course, but what you see and what is going on in my head are different things.

I was so ready to give my wife all the space she needed to find herself and our 26 year relationship. Everyone has those evolutions but the condition was that she didn't find another man to completely eliminate the hope that she would work on finding herself, instead of being in some artificial fog of romance.

Advice greatly appreciated. Not sure if I want her back, but need to implement a strategy that ensures that she starts thinking about things instead of giving me smirks. ( note today...because I love her family dearly and her Father just got out of hospital from a vicious assaults and her stepmother is dying of cancer...my wife had to work and I did all of the shopping and cooking for step mom and dad...I did it for them not my wife...they have been so good to me...I even ( for my son who is spending tonight and tomorrow with Mom bought flowers and a card for Mothers day ) what do I get from the B*&*& but a smirk. I was livid.

Thank you all in advance. I need to develop a strategy that will make me feel like I am taking the upper hand. Not because I think of this as a game or want to hurt anyone but because she screwed me and my son over and maybe I am not SO far gone that I am willing to think about reconciliation even if she is not.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

PS...I actually wrote her a text to ask her how she could greet me with a smirk when I dropped my son, after everything I did today and that she was the one who pissed away this marriage not me, that I was the one who had the right to be furious, not she.....but I chose to write here instead...her sister told me today that she has always thought her sister was bi-polar...interesting but doesn't do me anything...she also told me to start dating because that will jar her sister into reality. Right now, unfortunately my wife knows how deeply I want this family back together...

HELP ! =) thank you


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

PSII Her Father is the only man she has unconditional respect for and he knows nothing of what is going on...nothing...so I had to listen to him and his wife ask about how things were going and what we were going to do on Mother's day and keep my mouth shut that she has left me and is living with another man...that was what threw me inside my head into a fit of anger. My wife's reason for not telling them...they have enough stress...she's right but....I believe my sister in law has had enough and she is going to say something. This is going to go badly but it didn't come from these lips....I had to shop and cook for them today all the while they saw it as my being a good husband instead of man stepping up to the plate to take care of people he loves but whose child has stepped all over him for the last 6 months right in front of them...this should tell everyone that I am a man of honor and am not vindictive. I will hold my anger and my tongue mostly for my beautiful baby boy who is heart broken as it is....but I do want my stbx wife to feel what she is giving up...that she had all right here but that it wasn't enough...


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

We had lots of love and wonderful years mixed in with some bad...will she ever remember the good days, the love, the laughs, miss the family ?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The first step is to expose to her family.

Throw as much reality at her as you can.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Although some of the factors to your situation differs from what I had experienced the roller coaster of pain and anger tend to be the same.

My son was also the motivation and drive for me to face accepting how much our lives “had” and “were” going to change.

Three years later, people who know both my ex-husband and I state how stupid his choice was for an affair. I would also like to prepare you for how it will be very possible those in-laws who you had a great relationship with, will often cut you loose long before a person they share a genetic bond with. My sister-in-law also offered me comfort and expressed her disapproval towards her brother. In the long run, he is her brother. I was close to my in-laws and got along with them quite well. They did not approve of his choices, even his mother stated that to me during a phone conversation. They also were not going to turn their backs on him. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you ever turn your back on your own son? My in-laws are good people and I hold no resentments towards them.

I wasn’t the perfect wife, although I tried like heck to be. No matter how hard you try though, you cannot be completely responsible for your spouses happiness nor the choices they make to find happiness. I sought counseling very soon after my divorce started. This counselor had helped me to understand how affairs are very selfish impulses to fill a need by the spouse who commits them. Myself nor my son were probably thoughts which went through his mind. The gratification they receive from the affair is present to their emotions way more than the thought for the consequences.

The only upper hand you need is knowing you would never cause anyone the kind of pain your wife did. Until she takes ownership and accountability for her actions, there will be plenty of reasons/excuses she will find to justify her choices. Someday she may see how you were not the cause to her undesirable behavior. My ex-husband started going to church a lot and I believe that is what helped him to become a man who makes better choices now. I am glad because our son needs him that way. 

I will admit that it took me a little while to stop wishing how one day a woman would rip his heart out and then stomp on it the way he did mine. The one thing which made me realize how wrong for wanting that to happen, was the emotoinal pain it could wind up causing my son. I'm certain our divorce has caused him enough in his childhood.

Incidentally, my ex-husband recently remarried and to the woman he had the affair with. And you know, I hope this marriage works out for him. At times it is bitter-sweet to see some of the efforts he now puts out, which he never did in our marriage. I believe he has learned to be proactive rather than reactive. The truth is, my ex-husband had emotionally crushed me and I do not believe he ever would have had the patients to put out the kind of effort it was going to take for me to get beyond his affair and other poor behavior choices. He has a “I want it (fixed) now!” personality.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

thank you Althok, I believe the last piece of that puzzle is about to be put in play by my sister in law and when Dad confronts her and she ask " did he tell you...he will say no...he went shopping for us, cooked and picked up and dropped off our laundry this weekend but said nothing ". I held the high moral ground on this one...we shall see. Her Father and she are clones, so he may believe that she felt that she no longer wanted to be married to me but he will not agree with the way she has gone about it.

He, however, did the same thing to my wife's Mother but that was 25 years ago. He has changed a great deal since then and has even lamented his choice. 

This was the last thing that was irking me, that she knew that her behavior was so out of line that she refused to tell her Father. Once he knows.... I don't expect a change in her heart but I believe she will suddenly feel dirty.

Looking forward to further advice from others especially on how to handle the LC. Part of me thinks I should be cool and happy to remind her of the man she let go of, but is the answer the complete cut off from everything about me. In her state she will just rebel from this and say to herself " see...what a jerk ".

Off for a good nights sleep ! A demain !


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi Toto,

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

I am not expecting her family to abandon her or, in the long run, punish her and take my side. As you say she is their blood. The only difference might be that, with the exception of Dad, both Mother and Sister believe that my wife has emotional and mental issues that she has never dealt with and that had a huge impact on our marriage going back many many years.

With that said my goals are short term. I am blind enough to not believe that my wife and I are a thin line away from being divorced, but if there is a chance, then it's now. Truth is I don't know myself, but it's natural to worry that giving up could be the wrong thing to do.

I actually believe that Dad is going to likely side with his daughter in that she likely didn't want to be married to me anymore ( although he has only heard her side of the story and worships hi daughter so could never see the damage she inflicted on this marriage ). However, the way she has gone about it and whom she chose as her fall back position and the timing, should cause him some pause. He has also lamented his decision to leave the Mother of his children.

I may not have always been perfect but I was someone she could trust and someone who was always there for her on her darkest days. We were together for 26 years and had our problems, but there was such a connection and so much love. Our choice of wedding song was " No Ordinary Love ". So down deep, I believe that she still loves me deeply, but it's buried under a mountain of issues and her own pain.

As for those changes you saw years down the road in your ex. I made those changes long before this. They were visible to everyone including my wife.

It's also important to note that, while this is not the sole cause for her behavior, my wife is going through an MLC. Her hair is greying, she has put on some weight. She was beginning to lament her aging regularly.

She also trust people too easily and has anxiety issues. I would regularly have to warn her about jumping in too early into friendships with girls and guys and was regularly " talking her down " from anxiety attacks.

Your husband case was one of poor decision making, impulse and selfishness. There is no question that some of these same factors caused her to chose him over me ( although knowing my wife this is NOT the man she believes is going to give her the life she needs and wants, so I believe that he is a stand in, a body ).

Our stories are very different but they may face the same outcome. In the same way though as you, I treasure my son and he needs his Mother, so I will never wish real harm on her, but I do want her to feel the pain that she has caused me. For her to appreciate how much she threw away.

Toto it also sounds like you never considered taking your husband back or giving things him a chance. This may very well be what I do too, but who knows what can happen in a year from now, when the pain and anger subsides.

I deeply loved this woman and I still dream only of a happy family with my son ( not two families but one ), with this Mother and I. True loves can find each other again.

How long did you wait before filing for divorce ? You sound very much like once your husband had betrayed you like that, there was no turning back. I am not sure if that is the case with me. As mentioned I did a lot of things to contribute to where we are today and my Father even reminded me a few weeks back that my wife forgave me many times ( not for adultery or physical harm, but for other things ). This may not be the glue that makes me stick around but it has been a factor in my decision making. 

We shall see ! For now I am not going to sit around any longer. I am going to start looking for a new love because I need it too. My wife was emotionally absent too over the last years, but we never ever tried to work it out, we both just sat there and lived. What could have happened if we had ? Who knows but I want to feel love again. I wish it could be with her but she is not there.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> Toto it also sounds like you never considered taking your husband back or giving things him a chance.
> 
> How long did you wait before filing for divorce ? You sound very much like once your husband had betrayed you like that, there was no turning back.


frenchmanfl ~

I’ve seen the phase of “the trickling truths” used here on TAM. That definitely happened in my situation. 

Two years prior to his affair which launched our marriage straight into divorce court, I had my suspicions regarding a “special friendship”. To make a long story short, there was this couple whom we had become friends with. We even went on vacation, kids and all, together. I began to suspect something was not quite right. I confronted both my husband and this woman. They told how I was overreacting, the two of them just had a lot in common to talk about. It made some sense because they shared personalities traits for the tendency to be “the life of the party“. They both liked the same type of music, food, ect…. 

Nonetheless, I wanted to see how her husband felt about it. When I spoke with him, he said that she did have a tendency to get overly chummy with husbands of couples they’ve become friends with. How in the past his wife’s behavior has resulted in couples to become distant after awhile. As you can guess, we distanced ourselves as well. Numerous times my ex had the opportunity to tell the truth if anything happened between he and this woman. 

It was not until 2 years later, when I became aware of the affair he was having at that time, he admitted to what truly happened with the woman who was our “friend”. Two years previously he made me feel like a jealous wife with crazy ridiculous assumptions running through my head. Not only had he deceived me, but he also made me feel and believe I was wrong for having those thoughts and questioning his faithfulness.

At my request, he moved out just a few days after I learned of his affair(s). I was sitting in a divorce attorney's office 60 days later signing paperwork to file for divorce.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi again Toto,

It sounds like you were a good wife ( everyone has issues in their marriage so no one gets off scott free but you know what I mean ). I cannot say the same.

I hear repeatedly on these forums that the dumpee should not feel guilty. I actually don't in the sense that nothing I can do will help me. However, I also did do a 180 but long before I moved down to join my wife and son. Hard to expect her to understand but she didn't give me a second to prove it.

My point is that it sounds like your husband just wandered without you provoking him in a deep way. Again couples communications break down etc.

My situation is such that she has forgiven me many times ( not adultery ) which is the only reason why I sit here right now wondering if I should hold on to one shred. Who knows.

Having said this, in your case, while trust me I understand your feelings and how deeply you felt betrayed and how your pride was jarred but maybe your x didn't want to hurt you. Maybe he had the affair and feared losing you, so he refused to admit it. 

I will say this, when people say..never admit...they are right, because it never goes down the way the other half of the couple say it will. " if you just honest with me I will forgive you " Ain't going to happen. 

I know, but mine had to do with prescription drug use. My wife suspected and pretty much knew but then I admitted it to her finally and that seems to have been what broke the camels back in our marriage, my admission. What I wouldn't do to have that afternoon back.

In no way am I saying you made the wrong decision but if your x had told you, it would have meant divorce that much sooner and he likely never wanted that. He likely wanted to have his cake.

One wonders why man/woman were made to love so deeply ? I understand the procreation part but...

Nice chatting with you.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> My situation is such that she has forgiven me many times ( not adultery ) which is the only reason why I sit here right now wondering if I should hold on to one shred. Who knows.


In no way do I want to discredit the harm and hurt which addiction and drugs can cause a family and the ones who love you. Not to mention the financial or even liability problems which can result from substance abuse. 

I also believe a different kind of emotional damage results when a spouse chooses an actual person over the other spouse. Knowing your spouse shared that same intimacy which from the day you were married, was supposed to be exclusively between just the two of you is devastating. Somehow the thought of your spouse being focused on a pill or a bottle would seem to deliver slightly less of a blow to your own self-esteem as the blow which comes when knowing they are focused on another person. Their behavior with addiction or substance abuse often encompasses deceitfulness. With an affair, you get their behaviors of deceit and infidelity wrapped together.

I am not trying to condone your previous actions in your marriage and yes, wrong is wrong. However there are different levels of wrong. You would not view the action of teenager who had stolen an article of clothing on the same level as a teenager who had stolen a car.


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