# I just don't get it.....



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

One of my wife's friends lost her brother to cancer this week. The family is having an informal gathering today.

I have seen my wife's friend exactly twice in my entire life. Once, she was at a support group meeting that my wife and I attended. Once, she came upstairs to my hospital room when her brother was there as a patient at the same time.

I agreed to go with my wife to the gathering. But my wife insists that I "never want to go anywhere with her". My wife has never known a stranger. She is extroverted-to-the-max. I have had about 3 friends in my entire life. I'm introverted-to-the-max. I suppose she thinks I should be enthusiastic about going?

Help me out here.... why ?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

You cannot be at those two extreme points otherwise you could not have met. 

Personally I would expect my husband to come with me if I was going to my freind's funeral but my friend's brother is not as close so I could go on my own. But if she wants you to go with her, you probably should go.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

An informal gathering after the loss of a loved one is a time to bond and comfort each other. It's a time and place where many people form connections and renew old connections. For a person who is extroverted and never met a stranger, this bonding and connecting is a thing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TJW said:


> I suppose she thinks I should be enthusiastic about going?


No. I doubt she's urging you to attend because she thinks you'd enjoy it. I doubt she's expecting it to be fun. The intended beneficiary is the friend, not you or your wife. 



> Help me out here.... why ?


There are certain things we should do even though we don't enjoy them. E.g. visiting someone in hospital.
And there are certain things it's better to attend as a couple. Like a sort of show of solidarity? So maybe she thinks it's one of those.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TJW said:


> One of my wife's friends lost her brother to cancer this week. The family is having an informal gathering today.
> 
> I have seen my wife's friend exactly twice in my entire life. Once, she was at a support group meeting that my wife and I attended. Once, she came upstairs to my hospital room when her brother was there as a patient at the same time.
> 
> ...


Brother, after everything that you have been through, do you still not get this stuff? Really? 

Hey, guess what IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, YOUR DISCOMFORT OR YOUR ISSUES!!!!

She want you there to support her while she supports her friend. She wants you to want to support her whether and ACT like you like it. And you should. 

I listen to all the things my GF wants to talk about because she needs that. I go to functions that I don't want to get to because she wants me and needs me there. 

I mean, this is relationship 101 stuff man. 

I cannot really believe you had the balls to ask this question. 

Come on man...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Go.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

TJW said:


> One of my wife's friends lost her brother to cancer this week. The family is having an informal gathering today.
> 
> I have seen my wife's friend exactly twice in my entire life. Once, she was at a support group meeting that my wife and I attended. Once, she came upstairs to my hospital room when her brother was there as a patient at the same time.
> 
> ...


 So, I guess your visiting ordeal is over and you survived. As an introvert, I understand what no 'extroverted to the max' person will never understand. Sometimes, I surprise myself and after i get to the dreaded event, it is not so bad or i even may be glad I went.

However, the most important thing about your post is that your wife may think she will have to fight a battle to get you to accompany her most times? Do you question, hem and haw, make excuses most of the time. I don't know your marital background and I am single now, but I try to shoot for at least 50% yeses with no whinging as a fair deal--even though I might rather eat dirt. I do this in support of whomever is wanting me to accompany them trying to hide the angst (cost) to me.

In a way, i see this as a way to work on my self-discipline as a mature adult. Just saying...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Go, watch, listen. Maybe a question or two will be answered. Pay attention.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> She wants you to want to support her whether and ACT like you like it. And you should.


I went.

I'm reminded of one of the great Star Trek movies in which the Enterprise is being inventoried by an alien android. Upon encountering the recreation room, and one of those very old "Pac-Man" games with the CRT mounted vertically below a table-top window, she says "....this device has no purpose...."

Maybe I should paint a yellow circular gobbling face on my forehead, next time.....

I also think that the only way in which my maturity level could improve is if I understood "why".... but, I don't.....


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> An informal gathering after the loss of a loved one is a time to bond and comfort each other. It's a time and place where many people form connections and renew old connections. For a person who is extroverted and never met a stranger, this bonding and connecting is a thing.


It's clear that she views this as something quite different than I do. But I'd like to understand why.....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

TJW said:


> It's clear that she views this as something quite different than I do. But I'd like to understand why.....


Because most extroverts enjoy and are adept at social bonding. They look forward to it. Being part of a community of friends and family is a priority for them. Attending events like graduations, weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, and funerals keep them connected to their community of friends and family.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The reality of this is that you're not going to understand why because you're not like her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why do you have to get it. Your wife wants you to be by her side. Be grateful it's you and not someone else.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

It seems that some guys here pointed out important points. Do you often complain or show lack of enthusiasm about going out to anywhere? It can be draining for you to get out so much and it can be frustrating to her that you are always lack of enthusiasm.

I’m very introverted myself but I like getting out with my husband. But he almost always lacked enthusiasm, often complained and says he doesn’t mind at best, so it frustrated me often as if I’m with a negative person who doesn’t seem to enjoy much rather deal with stuffs in a forced way. I guess unless someone is completely selfish, no one likes to hang out with anyone and just enjoy things bythemselves?

It’s a hard thing to deal with, as there is such a big difference.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

You sound like an intj.
It's about support of those living. Not how well you knew someone.
I test as a 91% introvert on the scale, but I would go for my wife.
I went with my wife to a meet and greet of a company she is thinking of working for. I did it for her. It's not always about us in a marriage. 

She is different than you is why she views it different than you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

red oak said:


> You sound like an intj. INFP, or perhaps INxP - some tests have said "T" by small margins.
> 
> I test as a 91% introvert on the scale, but I would go for my wife. 98%. I did, for her.





red oak said:


> She is different than you is why she views it different than you.


Yes, but I will not be able to establish any understanding with her by telling her this. She already knows she's different. I need some language which is based upon feelings, not facts, which I can bring to her so that she will understand, and accept, that I am willing to go, for her, but I will never be in a "can't wait" demeanor.....



red oak said:


> Do you often complain or show lack of enthusiasm about going out to anywhere?


Complain, no, never. Lack of enthusiasm ? Yes. I can't hide it from her. I could from my audiences, I could from my clients, neither one of them knew me for 40 years, or lived with me every day.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

TJW said:


> Yes, but I will not be able to establish any understanding with her by telling her this. She already knows she's different. I need some language which is based upon feelings, not facts, which I can bring to her so that she will understand, and accept, that I am willing to go, for her, but I will never be in a "can't wait" demeanor.....
> 
> 
> 
> Complain, no, never. Lack of enthusiasm ? Yes. I can't hide it from her. I could from my audiences, I could from my clients, neither one of them knew me for 40 years, or lived with me every day.


Use the N to help you figure out a way. Or maybe showing her your mbti will give her a greater understanding.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Why do you have to get it. Your wife wants you to be by her side. Be grateful it's you and not someone else.


This.

I don't understand why it bugged my husband for me to be on my phone while he was watching racing. Racing is not really my things, though I do like to the vintage cars, and sometimes the banter on TV is funny. I sit with him on the couch, cuddling, and he is fixated on the race. I am bored with the 100 drag races, so I scroll Facebook.

It bothers him. So I don't scroll on Facebook. Even though I don't get it because we aren't really interacting anyway. I usually end up falling asleep lol

Your wife just wanted to know you were present. Even if you didn't really talk, even if you felt like a bump on a log. There was a sadness to this event. Someone lost a person they loved. Her having a person she loved thee was helpful for her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TJW said:


> Yes, but I will not be able to establish any understanding with her by telling her this. She already knows she's different. I need some language which is based upon feelings, not facts, which I can bring to her so that she will understand, and accept, that I am willing to go, for her, but I will never be in a "can't wait" demeanor.....
> 
> Complain, no, never. Lack of enthusiasm ? Yes. I can't hide it from her. I could from my audiences, I could from my clients, neither one of them knew me for 40 years, or lived with me every day.


See the thing is this: You are an introvert, ok cool, so am I. But guess what, Everyone talks to me, and I am the life of a party, always. Why is that? 

Couple of things. 1) I actually understand what an IV is and 2) when necessary I am able to fake it. 

The best definition of Introvert is that they lose energy when they are socializing in a large group. While and extrovert gains energy from a group. 

Now you may have some social anxiety OK. But the introversion can be dealt with. Take a nap before you go, so you have more energy. Understand that you will be somewhat tired when you are through with the event. Lots of ways. 

But it does not have to limit your life once you understand more about it and how to deal with it. 

So, if you love your wife, and your marriage, and if this is the same one you have spoken about I don't know why you would.... Buuutttt, if you want it to work you have to learn to deal with some of this stuff. 

Otherwise it wont be too long before she tires of you and leaves.

Here is an example from my life, I don't like big crowds, festivals or things like that. It makes me uncomfortable. 

However, I have played to crowds of 15 to 20 thousand people more than once, it does not bother me at all. Now a small club that I am at, or playing at, no bid deal, I have no issues. 

So you can be an introvert and still be a social butterfly.

Some of this is how you look at things, and if you can look at things a different way.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Many thanks to all who answered. I see that nobody can answer the question "why", of course, neither can I.....


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> Many thanks to all who answered. I see that nobody can answer the question "why", of course, neither can I.....


I guess I'm interested in which is more important to you, your wife or the "why"....


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

TJW said:


> Many thanks to all who answered. I see that nobody can answer the question "why", of course, neither can I.....


The answer to why is simple, extreme extroverts cannot understand what it's like to be an introvert. It's similar to a low drive person not knowing what it's like to be a high drive person. Your wife likes going to events and meeting all different people it's something she finds really fun so she doesn't understand how you cannot. She probably wonders the same as you, why does he balk at attending events that are important to me. 

There is one other possibility in this specific instance, it being a death related event maybe she just wanted you there for support incase it is a more somber occasion or she feels her friend will appreciate you coming also. 

But why doesn't really matter, with something like this I think you just suck it up and go as you did.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

When you asked her the "why", what was her response? Some people hate funerals or anything to do with "after death" ceremonies. Are you one of those people?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> One of my wife's friends lost her brother to cancer this week. The family is having an informal gathering today.
> 
> I have seen my wife's friend exactly twice in my entire life. Once, she was at a support group meeting that my wife and I attended. Once, she came upstairs to my hospital room when her brother was there as a patient at the same time.
> 
> ...


*Go, but they should fully realize that because of your introversion, that you won't be overly sociable!*


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Go, but they should fully realize that because of your introversion, that you won't be overly sociable!*


Actually, I was quite sociable, at least to the extent my compete shame and self-loathing allows. I'm pretty good at acting like an extrovert, if it's only for short periods. It's definitely a "scripted" deal, though....



PigglyWiggly said:


> When you asked her the "why", what was her response? Some people hate funerals or anything to do with "after death" ceremonies. Are you one of those people?


I'm actually not a person who hates death or funerals. I can understand the celebration of the life of a family member or friend. But I think the only person there who actually cared if I was.....was my wife.

She only answers "...because that's what you do... ".... she doesn't have the foggiest notion....even to why she went.....


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> Actually, I was quite sociable, at least to the extent my compete shame and self-loathing allows. I'm pretty good at acting like an extrovert, if it's only for short periods. It's definitely a "scripted" deal, though....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So what? Again, is SHE more important than getting your "why"?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TJW said:


> Actually, I was quite sociable, at least to the extent my compete shame and self-loathing allows. I'm pretty good at acting like an extrovert, if it's only for short periods. It's definitely a "scripted" deal, though....


Have you ever explained why you stay in this marriage? 

I would really love to understand...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> I guess I'm interested in which is more important to you, your wife or the "why"....


I'd have to say that my wife is more important than the "why", because she is the reason I want to understand the "why"....my hope is that if I explain it to her, she won't be so angry at me when I go just to please her. She would understand that I do it for her, because she wants it.




happyhusband0005 said:


> It's similar to a low drive person not knowing what it's like to be a high drive person.


 I understand the analogy. I'm a high drive, but I absolutely do not want her, nor anyone else, to have sex with me if they don't want to.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Have you ever explained why you stay in this marriage?
> 
> I would really love to understand...


So would I. I'm not sure I can explain. I used to think I understood. Now, I find precious little reason to stay in it.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

My guess? She wants you to want to go, so she doesn't feel responsible for you being there when you don't want to be. Even if she is. Or maybe especially if she is. 

It's like taking a cat to the vet or a kid to the dentist. She doesn't actually want to torture you, so it's so much better for her if you would just want to go willingly.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

On the spectrum? Not trying to be a jerk, but genuinely sounds aspergerish.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

TJW said:


> So would I. I'm not sure I can explain. I used to think I understood. Now, I find precious little reason to stay in it.


Then write it all down.

Write reasons to stay and reasons to leave her.

It helps for you to understand how you are feeling... especially when you don't know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TJW said:


> It's clear that she views this as something quite different than I do. But I'd like to understand why.....


Are you on the Autism spectrum?

Serious question.

I'll answer your why question after you answer. Have you been tested?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'll answer your why question after you answer. Have you been tested?


No.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're harping on the wrong 'why'. Your wife stated 'you never want to go anywhere with me'. In her mind (since we're forming suppositions and attributing them to your wife) this event could have been anything. She feels that you would prefer to not spend time with HER. Only you can answer if that is the truth or if it is an exaggeration on her part.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> She feels that you would prefer to not spend time with HER. Only you can answer if that is the truth or if it is an exaggeration on her part.


I like to spend time with her. And it is a total exaggeration. And I could make the same exaggeration.

I especially like anywhere we can go where it's with HER. ALONE. But, she NEVER  wants to do that. We manage supper at the diner, etc. but not
anything intimate or secluded.

I can even somewhat like going to some of the in-laws. Those who are in the same socioeconomic class as us.
Those who are wealthy are nice to me and they are good people, but I feel totally inferior being there. But, I don't say no to going.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TJW said:


> No.


Then I suggest you make an appointment and get tested. There's a reason at least two of us have suggested it. Your goal is to understand why this is happening, and if you're on the spectrum, understanding will require more than just a simple explanation. In fact, if you are on the spectrum, learning about it could help you be happier and make decisions that make you happier.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> understanding will require more than just a simple explanation.



I'm sure that's true, and I will search it out. I'm also sure it requires a professional diagnostician. I thank both of you for taking your time and giving thought to my question and predicament.

@Blondilocks - thanks to you, too, for letting me know there's someone who understands.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look, the reason I'm suggesting that is that if you are on the spectrum, you're biologically less inclined to be able to understand it, and there are ways to achieve understanding but it would take a different route. 

But, barring that, here's my take: One of the reasons you marry someone is so they can become your support system. Introvert or extrovert, you still want your spouse to be there for you. 

She expects (expected?) you to feel bad for her when she's hurting, to be willing to hold her hand, or hug her, or let her cry on your shoulder when she's losing a loved one. Those are the kinds of things you expect from your spouse. 

It looks like what happened was that, because doing people things makes you uncomfortable, you chose to put your own comfort ahead of hers, in a time of sadness for her. 

Now, your comfort will likely considerably different from your wife's. I'm an introvert, so I can imagine when you're sad, you want to be left alone, maybe know she's in the house somewhere, caring about you, but basically leaving you alone, am I right?

Being an extrovert, hers probably looks like hugging, crying with her, listening to her talk out her feelings about her lost family member. She NEEDS something like that from you - even though it makes you uncomfortable, in her hard times. 

Now, is that fun for you? Absolutely not. I hate taking care of my husband when he's sick because, as an introvert, all *I* want is to be left alone. But I still do it because I know that's what makes him comforted.

Marriage is doing for the other person what they need in hard times even if you don't want to, because you love them and want THEM to be happy.

Does that make sense?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> One of my wife's friends lost her brother to cancer this week. The family is having an informal gathering today.
> 
> I have seen my wife's friend exactly twice in my entire life. Once, she was at a support group meeting that my wife and I attended. Once, she came upstairs to my hospital room when her brother was there as a patient at the same time.
> 
> ...


Why does your wife say she wants you there?

How close was your wife to this friend? This may seem like a significant life event to your wife and she wants the support of her husband. 

On one hand, I don't believe in coercing a spouse to do things they don't want to do (like go to a funeral for people they don't even know...) But on the other hand, there is a certain feeling of "If my spouse loves me they will choose to be with me during significant times." 

I just got divorced and one of the reasons I wanted out was because my ex could NOT be bothered to develop any kind of relationship with my family and friends. I'm not an extrovert at all, but I felt sad and disappointed that when I did have an important to me event - like a family reunion or seeing a good friend I'd not seen for ages - that he usually either would not go, or if he did, did it in such a manner that I wished her was not there after all.

I guess it comes down to HOW good a friend is this lady of your wife's?
If my husband's really good friend's sibling died, I would WANT to be there to show support to my husband and his friend who is important to him. If my husband's casual friend's sibling died I wouldn't understand why my husband would go or expect me to be there.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> I went.
> 
> I'm reminded of one of the great Star Trek movies in which the Enterprise is being inventoried by an alien android. Upon encountering the recreation room, and one of those very old "Pac-Man" games with the CRT mounted vertically below a table-top window, she says "....this device has no purpose...."
> 
> ...


Are you saying that you went and while there felt awkward like there was no purpose in you being there? Did your wife stay by your side during the event, like your presence was important to her? Or wander off socializing with others and leave you hanging out with a bunch of strangers?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> ... I suppose she thinks I should be enthusiastic about going?
> 
> Help me out here.... why ?


Are you asking why she wants you to go, or why she thinks you should be enthusiastic about going? What exactly are you asking "why" about?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Are you saying that you went and while there felt awkward like there was no purpose in you being there? YES
> Did your wife stay by your side during the event, like your presence was important to her? At first, yes.
> 
> Or wander off socializing with others yes and leave you hanging out with a bunch of strangers? No. I went to the corner of the room and looked at the art in the hallway. I cannot "hang out", not even with friends. I have no idea what to say to them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On why....

Why you do not want to go is because funerals are sad.
You do not like sad.

You likely live with sad...enough, without adding more to it.

Going to funerals usually requires showing emotions. 
No one likes to cry. 

This deceased is an mostly an unknown person to you. 
More the reason not to get worked up over a 'stranger'.

............................................................................................

I am super superstitious. I have made my most serious enemies by NOT attending their funerals.
When I was young, I despised funerals because I would get all worked up and was terribly embarrased at my uncontrollable outpourings.

So, I did not go.

Those relatives and friends never forgave me. 
Who can blame them?

Go to every funeral that requests your presence.

I am haunted by those dead people who feel I shunned them at their end. 

Not a belief, I know so !!!

It is one thing to have enemies on this side of the veil, another thing when they cross over having malice against you.

Oh, my! :grin2:


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Why does your wife say she wants you there? Nothing. I don't think she knows.
> 
> How close was your wife to this friend?


Well, that's hard to answer, because her judgement of "close" and mine are radically different. She went to a support group meeting on 3 occasions when the lady was there. I think she went to "girls night out" with 3 or 4 other ladies and her once, and once she visited my hospital room because her brother was there at the same time. There were some phone calls and text messages. For my wife, this is "close".


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Are you asking why she wants you to go, YES or why she thinks you should be enthusiastic about going? YES





SunCMars said:


> Why you do not want to go is because funerals are sad. You do not like sad.


I have no sadness at the death of this man. I don't understand why I would be expected to feel any emotion at all, he is a man I have never met, I have seen his sister exactly 3 times, and all of them lasted less than a half-hour. I never spoke directly to her during any of these meetings. All of her conversation was with my wife.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> I have no sadness at the death of this man. I don't understand why I would be expected to feel any emotion at all, he is a man I have never met, I have seen his sister exactly 3 times, and all of them lasted less than a half-hour. I never spoke directly to her during any of these meetings. All of her conversation was with my wife.


OK, that makes total sense to me. I would not expect you to have sadness at the death of this stranger. We would be paralyzed in life if we were so emotive we felt for the death of every human.

But did you wife expect you to feel sadness at his death? I would not assume that based on your post. I would assume she expected (or at least really wanted) you to want to go with her because it was important to her *and she and her feelings are important to you*.

I think it would come down to me to be how often does this type of thing happen where she wants you with her? 
3 times a week? (Not realistic!) 
3 times a month? (Still not very realistic, IMO) 
3 times a year? (That might feel like a lot to an introvert - I'm an introvert too but I'd say SUCK IT UP (which you did do) because you love her and she is important to you and you want her to feel loved and supported.)
once every 3 years? (You are truly neglecting your wife if you don't know to just GO to something if she's asking that infrequently, but I don't imagine it's that infrequent.)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
> Are you saying that you went and while there felt awkward like there was no purpose in you being there? YES
> 
> Did your wife stay by your side during the event, like your presence was important to her?
> ...


Interesting. It sounds like your wife wanted you there for support but wasn't very supportive of you in return. I wonder if you could get her to think this type of thing through a little better in advance. Maybe say something like:

"I love you and my being there is important to you, It's important to me and I'll happily go. But considering how social you are and how social I am NOT, I'm concerned that once we get there, you'll quickly get swept up talking with people and my being there will actually become more of a hindrance to you, and I'll just be awkwardly standing around. Like I said, I definitely want to be there for you if it's important to you, but please understand it's because you are important to me, I have no real connection to these people. If my being there is not actually important to you, please go by yourself and let's you and I find something to do together than interests us both."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> I am haunted by those dead people who feel I shunned them at their end.


When I first moved here, 16 years ago, a lovely woman across the street was SO kind and wonderful - and then she got sick. She had no friends, just her and her husband. She told him to tell me it would be nice if I could visit her in the hospital, as she was dying, would never leave there. The immature me...just didn't know how to deal with it. Or even how to go to a hospital to seek out a person (had never done it). So I stayed away. As she spent her last days there, alone. I cry now, thinking about it, how horrible I was not to be there to support her.

That's what makes humans different from animals, TJW - that compassion, need to be a tribe, need to support each other - even though in caveman days it was literally for survival, that tribalism is in our DNA now. 

Sometimes people don't have that connection; usually because one is on the autism spectrum; but they can learn to work around it, in order to help their loved ones.

There's actually an awesome book written by a man with Asperger's about how to stay married when you have it. His wife knew something was off, and one day she ran across one of those checklists online, and discovered that he had Asperger's. Once he learned that, he realized he didn't want to lose his wife - and that's a distinct possibility - so he came up with ways to 'fix' the marriage, even when he couldn't FEEL the things she needed him to feel. I highly recommend it.

https://www.npr.org/2012/02/03/146342668/best-practices-learning-to-live-with-aspergers


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TJW said:


> Well, that's hard to answer, because her judgement of "close" and mine are radically different. She went to a support group meeting on 3 occasions when the lady was there. I think she went to "girls night out" with 3 or 4 other ladies and her once, and once she visited my hospital room because her brother was there at the same time. There were some phone calls and text messages. For my wife, this is "close".


For this I refer you back to my post on just how often your wife wants your attendance at something for a "close" friend of hers. If it's infrequent, just know it's important and do it. If it's all the time... your wife needs to have some consideration for YOUR sensibilities too.

As to her not being able to say WHY she wanted you there, I would suspect then it was for some of these reasons:

1. She wanted your support and interest in something she considered important.
2. She got married to have someone to be with and she wants you with her just because she want you with her.
3. She thinks other spouses will be there and doesn't want to look like her husband didn't care enough to come.
4. She finds being together, as a couple, for this type of thing makes her feel more connected to you and is good for your marriage.
5. She thinks nothing of wasting your time and making you feel awkward if it makes her feel good.

OK, #5 was kind of catty. Like I said, I'm kind of an introvert too so it's actually annoying to me that she asked this of you given your explanation of how the event went down, and the extent of HER contact with this woman. Not why she WANTED you there, but why she would weigh her own comfort at having you there so heavily against your discomfort of being there.

But if you do love her and want to stay married to her, I'd follow the ideas and suggestions given by others to be there for her more because this is a REAL need to her and I know some extraverts who married introverts and they are REALLY sad and bitter now because they are deeply hurt by their spouse's reluctance to join them in social activities of all sorts. They see themselves as the odd man out where everyone else's spouse is there except theirs. (Even if thats a big exaggeration, that's what they believe.)


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I have to constantly fight thinking that #5 is accurate.

A moderate position would say that #2 and #3 are correct. But this requires self-delusion. I choose denial, because the actual truth is bad for the marriage.



turnera said:


> he came up with ways to 'fix' the marriage, even when he couldn't FEEL the things she needed him to feel.


Whether Asperger's, or "Autistic spectrum", or sociopath, I've been doing this for years. As an actor, I've been good enough to read for cameos but
have never been, nor will I ever be, the leading man..........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you take a look at the book? Or look up Asperger's symptoms? Might be helpful.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TJW deleted a mostly-duplicated post.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm interested in what you say.........

I find social situations confusing. No. 
I find it hard to make small talk. Yes.
I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school. Yes.
I am good at picking up details and facts. Yes.
I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling. No.
I can focus on certain things for very long periods. Yes.
People often say I was rude even when this was not intended. No.
I have unusually strong, narrow interests. Yes.
I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way. No.
I have always had difficulty making friends. No.

I read the excerpt from "Journal of Best Practices". The author obviously chose this title 

It is an interesting read and I subscribed to the book newsletter. Looking for an electronic-format offer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excellent. And that's why they call it a spectrum now. I suspect my daughter's on it, but very low on the spectrum. She doesn't feel emotional at a lot of things. I couldn't get her to play with dolls or Barbie - no point in her mind. Things like that. But other than that, she's 100% normal and people love her. 

That said, if you're married, educating yourself can only be beneficial. So good work!


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