# Marriage Counseling, First session Pfft!!!



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I am filled with rage. Utter complete smash something rage.
I dont get this way. 
But to sit there and listen to the justifications, the legitimizations, the utter bold face lies spewed forth.
And the crying, the hatred of me, as if I just was the most abusive, heartless, sorryass on the face of the planet.
It was as if the last year of my miserable life caused by this venomous thing called a woman, was "Excused", diluted with half truths, generalizations of how "I neveR", You always".
Finding myself spoken over, refuted, invalidated, well, this has all been a great big mistake of my own fault, put into my own head by my own misinterpretation of the facts. 
I mentioned the secrecy of the cell phone, hiding it, taking it to the bathroom. OH, well show him your phone then!!!
I was put on the spot like a child, being handed the phone to prove my ridiculousness. I refused to look at it. Caught offguard I was unable to say what I felt about it all, here it was, in my hands, as if it were available to me all along. What then, was I to fish around for deleted text messages? 
Listening to my wife discard every statement I made with crap from ten years ago that somehow had an effect on todays indiscretions of hers.
I am so mad i dont know what to do with myself. then to listen to her after coming home sulking and absolutely quiet in her bitterness towards me, turn on the t.v. and laugh repeatedly at some show. as if to laugh in my face. 
Okay, forget about "NOT" throwing her under the bus.
This next session is going to reveal truths about my life with her long buried within me. To what extent, though.
to what extent.. ive never felt so humiliated in attempting to explain why i had lived like i have for so long. thinking i was finally going to be able to talk about it, i feel like i choked, like every point i had just completely escaped me. somehow, i came out to appear a complete asssshole. 
i want to fffkin SCREAM!!!!
how it was so surreal, like being put in the spotlight and heres my chance to let it all out, and then denied any validation whatsoever. infuriating.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You have to ask yourself. Is all this worth keeping the two of you together?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I am filled with rage. Utter complete smash something rage.
> I dont get this way.
> But to sit there and listen to the justifications, the legitimizations, the utter bold face lies spewed forth.
> And the crying, the hatred of me, as if I just was the most abusive, heartless, sorryass on the face of the planet.
> ...


which is why I have decided against MC! If they are that far gone. You have to let them fall of the edge of the cliff. On there own! Sorry it was so bad..


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I agree with ing. They need to suffer the consequences of their actions.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Stop the mge counseling---you don't have to subject yourself to any of that type of BS

Your wife is demonized you, to justify her cheating----now she is demonizing you to show she is in a bad mge

The mge may be bad, but she never had a right to cheat

It sounds like the two of you just need to end your mge., and move on-----there is absolutely no reason, nor justification to live in the misery you are describing


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Shooboomafoo, those kind of people like your W really disgust me. Take ownership of the cheating, don't put your indiscretions on the lap of someone else.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Gutless cowards, liers, cheaters. There should be a way of tracking these types of folks so people with morals can avoid them.'

Sorry about your situation man.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHHAHH!!!!

I'm sorry brother, Im NOT laughing AT you. I'm actually recalling my own experince with the MC (while unbenown to me my W was in the middle of an A that had been ongoing over a year, and continued another year)... I experienced the exact same thing, it was rediculous and infuriating! Now I can laugh at what a joke it was, hopefully you too can step back someday and laugh at how absurd your experience with the MC was. After 4 sessions (max insurance coverage) with the MC in which I was literally a punching bag.. Almost exactly what you described, maybe worse because I didnt have knowledge of the affair so didnt have anything to "fight" back with... just had to listen to rediculous, incomprehensable venom, lies, gross exagerations, and crocodile tears about events that literally never happened! Everytime I responded to the outright lies and said "WHAT?!? that never happened, or it didnt happen anything like that!! I became the monster who was calling my hurt W a liar, or it looked like I was "misremebering" and not taking responsibilty so I got venom from W AND the MC... It was an awful experience! Now that the picture is clear something even funnier...

Unknown to me... My W continued to go to this hack for IC, turns out the MC actually defended me at some point and my W never went back... SO, they ganged up on me (POOOOOOOOR W!! He hurt you so bad! Your H victimized you by making you so lonely!) Then W goes back for some individual beat up on Pit sessions (more internal justifcation & fuel for her to excuse her affair) the minute the counselor put responsibilty on W and suggested SHE had anything to do with marriage problems... W suddenly says "That counselor was awful!" 

lol !


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

my MC sessions turned out to be "feel sorry for H because his dad unexpectantly died too young" ...

I agree this is something my H needs to talk about.. but not during our MC sessions. 

I too think MC is a joke.. they can easily gaslight a MC just as easy as us, and switch everything around to feeling sorry for them.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

lol man that is awful, Pit. Having been visiting this site for over a year, I guarantee that I could sit and listen to couples and snif out the ones that an affair was involved. Guarantee it! 

It would seem that someone with a Doctorate would be able to do the same thing. I guess it doesn't come as easy if you've never experienced it though. Unlucky for me I do not need a piece of paper that says I am qualified for that type of work. I have an experienced gut!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Cheating wives are notorious for using MC as a tool to justify their treasonous behavior to themselves and to the world. 

A good question to ask any MC before proceeding with the session is *Are you going to concentrate in finding blame or are you going to give us solid advice on how BOTH of us can work out our differences so that we can have a mutually happy and healthy marriage?*

I would would advise you to dump the hack MC and inform your cheating wife that you are not going to be her pawn in a public blamefest of you. Also inform her that until she ends her affair with the OM, that MC is out.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Agree with Morituri, your MC sounds like a hack. Our MC called us both out on Day 1 for using words like "never" and "always", she said those terms are "juvenille thinking".

We've each only had one private session with her, since she doesn't want to become biased by IT. Plus, when you work on yourself in front of your spouse, she thinks it "sticks" more. There's no secrets.

I think a good MC has a way of bringing you both to task for the breakdown of the marriage, but at the same time not making you feel like it's all your spouse's fault or yours. Whenever the infidelity comes up, she handles it in a way I feel like I'm being heard but at the same time diffuses my anger about it, without making my husband feel like scum. Why would a DS want to continue seeing a MC if they felt like poo everytime you go? Same goes for the loyal spouse, the object is to make you both feel like you gained something from the session.

Keep trying to find a better MC, they're out there but I get the feeling they may be hard to find.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Sounds like the fog in action to me, screw MC I'd be calling her on the affair and often. What do you have to lose?

I've been a total pain for mine and her EA, after awhile the fog lifted because I wouldn't stay in the position she wanted me too. I was willing to lose her, it may still happen but at least we can talk like adults about it instead of the blame game to justify her affair.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

And now for the voice of reason....


MC's intentions are not to judge you, it is to reveal perceptions. The fact is that no matter what your wife said, it is her perceived truth. She may be totally NUTS, but that is the way she sees things. At least you know now.

A marriage counselor is not going to play parent here, so your wife is not "tattling" on you. She is explaining the problems she sees. There is no " Go easy on her to the therapist" that is just stupid, and if you did that, you are only hurting yourself. 

If you take the car into the mechanic, are you going to "go easy" on him, or are you going to tell him everything you think is wrong? If you don’t tell him the car needs brakes, he won’t fix them. You need to UNLOAD on her. Get it all off your chest in one big session. 

You can both look at the situation and say "NOT ME, I DIDN’T DO THAT" or you can say "Ok, Time To FIX THIS". You may be perfectly normal man, but you will still have to change the way she perceives you. It isn’t about the truth sometimes; it is about the appearance of the truth. 

Between you being offended and protecting your wife's honor by holding back, and clamming up.. You failed to use the MC in an effective way. 

On your next session, you need to say this:

"Last time i listened, i had to hear some pretty hard things to hear, Now i would like to speak" Then unload both barrels. 

Believe me man, if nothing else, this is the time to mentally beat the crap out of her. It will be in a safe environment for both of you and you will walk out feeling better....

That is why your wife was laughing at a show.. She let go of all she was holding back. now it is your turn.

I am going to tell you something here... My wife got to speak in our first session and she called me everything from neglectful to lazy, and blamed the affair on me...When she got home she wanted to talk and was trying to be open, but do you think i wanted to even look at her? HELL no.

The next session I unloaded on her.. Called her Satan’s Hoe bag, told her that her dead mother was crying in her grave.. i mean i let her have it... and when we got home, i wanted to open up... but she sure didn’t... 

In session three the MC explained that we got it out, and after that we started working a program... That is where it where it got good. 

Without getting it all out in one shot, you are treating your pain like the "trickle down truth". She did it, now you are up to bat.

The MC isn’t going to pick a team here. He wants to make it work for you. After all, if you call it quits, he doesn’t get paid anymore... so give it a chance man. 

Just a hint: if you are spiritual at all, try and see a Christian based counselor... they are more with the institution of marriage than traditional MCs.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This forum has been a Godsend. At first, just knowing that people were going through the same things, hearing almost mirror situations happening hundreds of miles away, and the feelings involved. Being able to vent out there, and have people understand. I truly hope that in each one of your cases, a door of peace and positivity, and blessings, is torn off of its hinges for you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Shoo, I am so sorry for you, our MC is amazing. My husband went to one IC with her and he didn't like it when she tried to ask him if I was going through psychomotor retardation, due to that we both are suffering from depression. He told me what she said, I said to him that it is her job to help see things from both sides. I tried to explain that she wasn't taking sides, because trust me, in my IC sessions, she has done the same thing to me, when I said something, she would turn it around and say stuff like that to me, it brought me tons more perspective. I agree with twotime, take the next session and bring YOUR perspective to the game. It will give the MC some insight where you are coming from.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> The fact is that no matter what your wife said, it is her perceived truth. She may be totally NUTS, but that is the way she sees things. At least you know now.
> 
> You can both look at the situation and say "NOT ME, I DIDN’T DO THAT" or you can say "Ok, Time To FIX THIS". You may be perfectly normal man, but you will still have to change the way she perceives you. It isn’t about the truth sometimes; it is about the appearance of the truth.


Two-time, that is right on track. I truly appreciate your perspective. Shoo, please excuse me for asking a question on your thread. I don't know how to quote it to mine. Maybe the answer will help both of us.

We had a discussion last night. She feels like a "shell". I have been so mean to her the past few months that she has lost feelings for me. She feels nothing toward me. Not hatred or contempt. Nothing.

It's like we are in the twilight zone. We have lived in different dimensions. Shoo, it sounds like your wife is the same, as well as Two-time's was. Our reality and their reality is totally opposite. 

So, Two-time, did marriage counselling help the two of you to come to the same reality? How do you deal with their skewed perception of reality?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Marriage counseling is definitely helpful. When there is no trust both parties need someone To be accountable to. See if a person goes to counseling for no other reason, that reason is to admit the problems out loud in front of someone. I saw 5 different marriage counselors. Each 1 had their own particular style And their own ideas of what they thought would help us. The counselor that we eventually settled in on Was 1 from a church. He was very strong in his support of the institution of marriage. He was able o call me a son of a b**** When I needed to hear it And he was able to call her act An obamanation when she needed to hear it. But marriage counselors are not always affective. In all honesty If people would just learn The basics of human relations They could easily solved their own problems. My grandmother used to say If everybody Cared for each other Then no 1 would have to worry about themselves. And no therapist Can make a person unselfish. Sorry for the typos I am posting this while driving with speech recognition software.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

my wife has often said within the last eight months to me and to others that she feels empty. Both personally within herself and towards me and the relationship. this was coupled with a sense of a lack of happiness as well, and was stated. She told the MC that her becoming involved with the other man was what made her aware that something was wrong with the marriage, but when I state how devestating that was to me, it is quickly minimized by statements such as how "we" hadnt been happy for a couple of years... without even acknowledging or validating the darkest levels Ive been these last six months since discovery of the EA. 
I am aware that the core of my happiness comes from myself, but also the knowledge that those closest (wife, daughter, and family) are happy as well. Three years ago, when none of this was even a consideration, life seemed great to me. It had issues, but they were external, and the core of our family was intact.
When my wife began to have a few deaths in her family, and her personal financial situations were becoming worse through her spending, and inability to control that, Life stepped in and kicked her some more in terms of consequences for her very own actions in many areas. I was there the whole time, not only exhausting all efforts to support and love and be there emotionally for her, but I could tell there was a part of me that didnt feel like I was viewed as that, I was simply another "burden" or "chore" that had to be taken care of. I had somehow, become part of this unhappiness in her perspective, and had no idea how. I do more for her and this family, than many MANY married men we both know and can compare with, and I am not trying to be prideful or conceited, but she has direct examples through her lifelong girlfriends and their husbands/boyfriends, of just how lazy, and unsupportive a person can get. She often came home with stories about how so and so does nothing or does something completely contrary to a good relationship. I had throughout the years encouraged and suggested changing various aspects that I saw as problems, such as finance, and emotional closeness, but I could never get out of her percieved "to do" list, and only always ended up as a contributor to her unhappiness, rather than being a part of her happiness. Her "value" in the areas that I value, were completely different, and I in trying to understand what it is she values, I really am not liking what I see, and can attribute a world of her unhappiness to those things. Even when giving her money when she had to send it all out to card payments after a paycheck, even when we found a new restaurant that had great margaritas and we enjoyed frequenting that place. It was "ours". We did more together, went on dates... To the point where she admitted that she enjoyed time with me, and had fun with me, BUT,,,,, just still was not "feeling it". So still, she has not grasped the whole "taking accountability of oneself and ones actions" that has led to her unhappiness. I fear it may be too late at this age to expect a change, and I have but two options, now.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I am literally watching my wife make the same mistakes that she made early on in our life, to find those temporary fixes of happiness, but they fade so quickly, and coming home to reality ends up making reality look worse and worse. I have found myself having to "compete" against this perception she has of me and not even knowing what it fully is. I watch her go out weekend after weekend doing girls night out, and have proof that nothing is going on with another man anymore, but aside from that initial concern, even the good times with her girlfriends, isnt helping her. Its like she comes home, and Dowwwwnnnn she comes. Hard to feel like theres any hope when you KNOW as a man youve been one hell of a trooper. 
~~ The other day I was walking around a small store, and there was a girl there, that looked at me and smiled, asking if I could help reach something from the top shelf. I obliged, but one thing that stuck really hard with me, was the sense of HAPPINESS this girl had. It was so incredibly attractive to me. It made me feel like Wow!, someone who doesnt make ME their source, but rather has an internal "well" of their own happiness and it shone quite brightly. It sort of made going home to Mrs. Grumpydump depressing to me. I SOOO wanted to wash my hands of her right away. I was SOOO ready to stand up straight and watch that bag of dry straw fall off my back and for once in an extremely long time, Feel Good.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

So leave already. She obviously stated how unhappy she is, right. Let her feel how it would be without you. Extreme 180 is due here.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

We are using a pastor for marriage counseling, which I think has been very helpful. We are probably on the other end, because we are both very reserved in our sessions and sometimes I wish I could really just come down on him, but I don't for some reason. 
However, I don't think that blaming the victim in the first session is the best way to go... regardless of things that happened, she still made the conscious decision to do what she did.


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