# Feeling conflicted.



## Summer36 (Dec 13, 2019)

Hello everyone. 
I'm feeling a little conflicted about something that's becoming an issue for me in my marriage. I did talk to my husband about this because I felt it getting to an intolerable point for me. The issue is my husband puts his sister first, all the time. She's 31 and single, and always boasts about being Ms. Independent and not needing or wanting a man, but she's always calling my husband for everything. She calls him multiple times a day to talk about any and everything from how her day went, to how she's feeling emotionally, to quizzing him about his day, what he ate, what he did, who he talked to. It doesn't matter what he and I are doing, ex: on a date, having supper, shopping, watching a movie, he will interrupt it to talk to her and they stay on the pone at the minimum 30 minutes. She also asks personal questions about our business all the time! I've talked to him in the past and he agrees with me but never addresses her about it. She tries to control everything he does and he allows it. The thing is I really like his sister she's a really sweet person, just insanely controlling. I'm starting to feel like the third wheel in my marriage. He and I were having a conversation about it last night and during the middle of me telling him how I feel his sister called, and guess what he did, answered the phone and talked to her like usual!!! During him talking, I said well I guess we're done talking about this. When he hung up he said no we're not done, I'm listening. I then told him that him staying on the phone with her was a perfect example of him putting her emotional needs before mine, he then told me to stop being in competition with his sister. I'm so upset and honestly don't know how we will move forward after this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When was the last time she had a boyfriend?


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## Summer36 (Dec 13, 2019)

She had one about 3 years ago but broke up with him because she didn't like him in her personal space. She literally said that, but she's always in ours.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Summer36 said:


> Hello everyone.
> I'm feeling a little conflicted about something that's becoming an issue for me in my marriage. I did talk to my husband about this because I felt it getting to an intolerable point for me. The issue is my husband puts his sister first, all the time. She's 31 and single, and always boasts about being Ms. Independent and not needing or wanting a man, but she's always calling my husband for everything. She calls him multiple times a day to talk about any and everything from how her day went, to how she's feeling emotionally, to quizzing him about his day, what he ate, what he did, who he talked to. It doesn't matter what he and I are doing, ex: on a date, having supper, shopping, watching a movie, he will interrupt it to talk to her and they stay on the pone at the minimum 30 minutes. She also asks personal questions about our business all the time! I've talked to him in the past and he agrees with me but never addresses her about it. She tries to control everything he does and he allows it. The thing is I really like his sister she's a really sweet person, just insanely controlling. I'm starting to feel like the third wheel in my marriage. He and I were having a conversation about it last night and during the middle of me telling him how I feel his sister called, and guess what he did, answered the phone and talked to her like usual!!! During him talking, I said well I guess we're done talking about this. When he hung up he said no we're not done, I'm listening. I then told him that him staying on the phone with her was a perfect example of him putting her emotional needs before mine, he then told me to stop being in competition with his sister. I'm so upset and honestly don't know how we will move forward after this.


Wow, are we sister wives? I just shared a similar situation yesterday. My husband also does this with his sister, though it isn't quite so extreme. 

I think its obvious he isn't a total jerk (your husband), but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. I think I come off the same way when I try to have this discussion with my husband regarding his sister. He says he hates when I come off as jealous about his sister and shuts down. Anyways, I have a few suggestions!

1. Set expectations for dates, movies, etc. Those should be phone-free times with the understanding that he will call her back at some point. This will at least establish that you get what you need first without him feeling like he has to ignore her. 

2. If you two have a good relationship, find ways to mention a movie you were trying to watch when she called or just some way to mention he ran off and sat on the phone all night. She may see it as a girl talk and a way to be bossy/controlling and tell him he should just say to call her back. I don't know her personality but I think you may have better luck addressing it yourself. 

Have you ever point-blank asked him to call her back at a designated time (after dinner, after your talk, etc)? He may need literal guidance. 

My husband's sister is obnoxious but also VERY non-confrontational, so I am looking forward to our next interaction and setting some clear boundaries.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Summer36 said:


> She had one about 3 years ago but broke up with him because she didn't like him in her personal space. She literally said that, but she's always in ours.


HAHAHA! My SIL had the nerve to complain about her friend texting her during MY LABOR (she was not invited, but showed up) saying how intrusive it was asking how I was doing. Though the only intrusive one there was her while crashing the birth of my son.

I could have exploded right then and there! These women really see themselves as a part of our core family though they are outside of the home. Its really enraging.


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## Summer36 (Dec 13, 2019)

Hi, thanks for the advice. Sadly I've tried much of those already but he doesn't uphold them when she calls. I don't know what else to do at this point, and now that he's accused me of competing with her I feel like he doesn't care how it affects me. He defended her so I feel she will always come first. I don't think that's something I can deal with any longer.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Summer36 said:


> Hi, thanks for the advice. Sadly I've tried much of those already but he doesn't uphold them when she calls. I don't know what else to do at this point, and now that he's accused me of competing with her I feel like he doesn't care how it affects me. He defended her so I feel she will always come first. I don't think that's something I can deal with any longer.


Maybe taking his sister out of the equation would help him change the reaction? You could frame it as you want unplugged time (no mobile devices) during your "us" time. You sound like someone who values quality time whereas your husband doesn't have that as priority need. My husband and I have that same dynamic so I get it being tough. 

Is your husband into relationship books? Maybe try to do the love languages book together. Its a really short read and helped my marriage quite a bit when it comes to communicating what makes us feel loved and why. I always thought my husband was a gift guy, but turns out he lives for words of affirmation. I get a LOT more effort from him now that I know how to love him. He may feel more connected and willing to give you what you need if its communicated differently? 

Sorry about the situation though. I know how hard it is. I wish it was easier to express how you feel without your husband thinking he needs to agree.


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## Summer36 (Dec 13, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> Maybe taking his sister out of the equation would help him change the reaction? You could frame it as you want unplugged time (no mobile devices) during your "us" time. You sound like someone who values quality time whereas your husband doesn't have that as priority need. My husband and I have that same dynamic so I get it being tough.
> 
> Is your husband into relationship books? Maybe try to do the love languages book together. Its a really short read and helped my marriage quite a bit when it comes to communicating what makes us feel loved and why. I always thought my husband was a gift guy, but turns out he lives for words of affirmation. I get a LOT more effort from him now that I know how to love him. He may feel more connected and willing to give you what you need if its communicated differently?
> 
> Sorry about the situation though. I know how hard it is. I wish it was easier to express how you feel without your husband thinking he needs to agree.



No he's not into books, I tried doing a marriage devotional together before and he agreed to do it but never did. I'm glad to see the advice you're offering are things I've tried so that atleast makes me feel I'm not alone and on the right track to figure this out. Thank you so much for your time and advice, really appreciative of it


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Summer36 said:


> She's 31 and single, and always boasts about being Ms. Independent and not needing or wanting a man.
> 
> He and I were having a conversation about it last night and during the middle of me telling him how I feel his sister called, and guess what he did, answered the phone and talked to her like usual!!! During him talking, I said well I guess we're done talking about this. When he hung up he said no we're not done, I'm listening. I then told him that him staying on the phone with her was a perfect example of him putting her emotional needs before mine, he then told me to stop being in competition with his sister.


She doesn't need a man because she already has one. Yours. Or is he? Seems to me he's hers. You were literally in the middle of talking with him about the issue and he interrupted the conversation because she called, then had the nerve to act as if you're in the wrong here for being "in competition" with his sister???!!!??? Straight out, since I am the kind of woman that must come first or I am wasting my time, I'd tell him his options are get his life straight with his sister in her proper place or he can take his **** and go live with her. 

I know a LOT of people may disagree, but I think this has gotten to the point where you need to get good and angry. He needs to understand exactly how serious this is before you reach your limit and walk.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> She doesn't need a man because she already has one. Yours. Or is he? Seems to me he's hers. You were literally in the middle of talking with him about the issue and he interrupted the conversation because she called, then had the nerve to act as if you're in the wrong here for being "in competition" with his sister???!!!??? Straight out, since I am the kind of woman that must come first or I am wasting my time, I'd tell him his options are get his life straight with his sister in her proper place or he can take his **** and go live with her.
> 
> I know a LOT of people may disagree, but I think this has gotten to the point where you need to get good and angry. He needs to understand exactly how serious this is before you reach your limit and walk.


Sometimes you just need to be THIS clear. And mean it. Be prepared to back it up with action.
Spell it out for him. 
Call it competition, call it what he will. 
Had the same problem for years. He didn’t understand. I gave him a choice in priority. She can be part of our lives, NOT our lives.
Took a while but consistency in messaging is key. 
Dont be defensive and let him railroad you by saying “its your problem”
Yep. Its my problem. But my problem is about to become YOUR problem in a big way.
It takes time, hes not going to change this dynamic overnight.
Next time he pulls that **** the convo is over. Dont engage him further on it. Repeat the messaging.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I know this is just part of the problem but when his sister calls when you and your H are together doing meaningful things (deep in conversation, date night, etc.) and he answers her call, immediately get up and leave. He is showing you time with her is more important to him than time with you. Guess what? Your time can be better spent elsewhere then. You've already told him how you feel--no need to repeat yourself ad nauseam. Actions, not words.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

These boys are ill and weak minded, and are selfish to the umpteenth degree. And get away with it because they can and know it! So it's time to put up or shut up moment. Let it go over, or call someone while have your time together every time until he says something. Then let then know it's no big thing and continue to do this, until you know that he gets it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This is just so weird I don't know how to respond.........creepy


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would use the term personal space around her often. See if she gets a clue.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

This is no different than a grown man being too attached to his mom. There are biblical rules about how your H is supposed to treat you. He is failing.

IMO 1 or 2 trips to a MC should fix the problem, because an MC will tell your H straight up that what he's doing isn't right.

And if he won't go to the MC then he can go move in with his sister.


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

He defended her against you? This may sound harsh, but pack him a bag and tell him to go stay with his sister. If that doesn’t work you’ll have to choose Things staying as they are forever, or splitting up.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> These boys are ill and weak minded, and are selfish to the umpteenth degree. And get away with it because they can and know it! So it's time to put up or shut up moment. Let it go over, or call someone while have your time together every time until he says something. Then let then know it's no big thing and continue to do this, until you know that he gets it.


Passive aggressive doesn't work and it's unhealthy. He wouldn't get a clue. This would only create further division. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Passive aggressive doesn't work and it's unhealthy. He wouldn't get a clue. This would only create further division.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I just don't see this as so much as passive aggressive, but as a wake up call for him, maybe he's just not that dim. Any thing that goes against what a person want always creates some division.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He needs to learn boundaries. When the two of you are on a date or having a conversation, does he answer the phone if anyone other than his sister calls? Do you answer your phone? That might be an angle to bring up. Just because the phone can ring at any time doesn't mean it must be answered. During certain times the calls need to go to voicemail.

I don't believe that his close relationship with his sister is the problem. The problem is that he lets his phone run his life, especially when the person calling is his sister.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think that you have to be super blunt and spell it out for him. 
When we’re having a conversation and you stop it to pick up the phone, this is rude and disrespectful to me. It hurts my feelings. Next time, do not answer your phone when we are talking. You can call her back when we are done.

I find that incredibly disrespectful. I think you need to make more of a fuss about it bc he’s clearly not getting it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> I just don't see this as so much as passive aggressive, but as a wake up call for him, maybe he's just not that dim. Any thing that goes against what a person want always creates some division.


Not expressing the real problem, but instead behaving like the person you are upset with is behaving is passive aggressive. The person doesn't make the connection. What they do is move further away from you. It's counterproductive. If this is a behavior your use in your life, I recommend you look up passive aggressive and see how many problems it will cause.


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## Summer36 (Dec 13, 2019)

My sentiments exactly everyone.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> Not expressing the real problem, but instead behaving like the person you are upset with is behaving is passive aggressive. The person doesn't make the connection. What they do is move further away from you. It's counterproductive. If this is a behavior your use in your life, I recommend you look up passive aggressive and see how many problems it will cause.


The way it has played out is that he's already disconnected from his wife already, l am thinking fight fire with the same kind of fire. Thanks for asking no l don't use this in my life or marriage , l have no passive aggressive in me, l am the eye for a eye type of guy. That's why l suggested this response for her. It like rub me wrong, l shove the same back down your throat but double the quantity.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I think that you have to be super blunt and spell it out for him.
> When we’re having a conversation and you stop it to pick up the phone, this is rude and disrespectful to me. It hurts my feelings. Next time, do not answer your phone when we are talking. You can call her back when we are done.
> 
> I find that incredibly disrespectful. I think you need to make more of a fuss about it bc he’s clearly not getting it.


Summer, was in the middle of explaining that this when hubby answer the call from sis then he got off and told her the convo was over. This type doesn't understand logic what get their attention is action not talking.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Summer36 said:


> She had one about 3 years ago but broke up with him because she didn't like him in her personal space. She literally said that, but she's always in ours.



You tell her that it's time she break up with your husband because your tired of her being in YOUR personal space.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> The way it has played out is that he's already disconnected from his wife already, l am thinking fight fire with the same kind of fire. Thanks for asking no l don't use this in my life or marriage , l have no passive aggressive in me, l am the eye for a eye type of guy. That's why l suggested this response for her. It like rub me wrong, l shove the same back down your throat but double the quantity.




The problem is some people don’t care if they interrupt a conversation to answer a phone. I bet her husband doesn’t care. Not everything that bothers us bothers other people, which is why this doesn’t work.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> Summer, was in the middle of explaining that this when hubby answer the call from sis then he got off and told her the convo was over. This type doesn't understand logic what get their attention is action not talking.




In my experience, sometimes women think they explain things better than they really do. Men don’t pick up on subtle hints or passive conversations. They need to be hit over the head with the truth. 



All she can do right now is make it 100% clear, as blunt and clear as possible how she feels, what he does that causes her to feel that way, and what she wants him to do instead. It should be a simple and short conversation. Then her part is done. The rest is in his hands.

Sometimes people don’t understand the magnitude of something because it isn’t explained good enough. So many walk away wives leave their husbands after them not taking them seriously and the husbands didn’t realize that it was that serious. 
OP do yourself a favor and make it crystal clear to him.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I agree that some women think they explained better than they do. But again this is not their first convo on this matter. And some men hear exactly what women say, but she already said this many times and he said quit being in competition with her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And maybe she needs to be a walk away wife, because his type rarely ever changes. And this site is full of men like this, and the woman who thought he would change.


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