# The Positive Thinking Thread



## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

This section of TAM is loaded with gloom and doom, so I thought that perhaps starting a thread where you post at least one positive you had today, or something positive about your separation or divorce. In this kind of situation, it feels good and natural to commiserate. I know, I'm there, too. It is also much harder to see the positives, as they may require some thought and effort in finding them. Perhaps taking a few minutes each day, and compose a brief post about something uplifting will keep the light at the end of the tunnel lit, and in focus.

Let me go first:

A huge relief for me is to not having to put up with his ways any longer. Everything was routine, repetitive, the same, year in year out. The same kind of food, his daily bottle of wine, the routine at night, the weekends....like groundhog's day. After 8 PM, he did not want to be talked to because he wanted to watch a movie he'd only seen 15 times or so, while having his wine in peace and quiet. Before 8 PM, he did not want to talk because he needed to chill from work. Oh, how I resented those routines, and how he rejected my efforts in tossing them up a little. 

Now, I come home, cook, eat, sleep, and do whatever I please whenever I please. No more snoring, or having to tolerate him under the influence. My panic and anxiety attacks are completely gone! 

My son has Asperger's, and I do think so does his dad.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I don't have to hear snoring anymore.

We get along better now after being apart for a year and a half, we actually have civil conversations.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

I look forward to not having him napping several times a day on his days off on the couch and tiptoeing around the house. I love my evenings alone when he is at work and I don't have to share the living room TV. I love not having to stock his particular drinks and food items. I love not having him sitting on the couch with his laptop like a lump ignoring me all evening when he is home. I love making foods that I like that he hated like potato soups and stews. I like having the whole bed to myself without him stealing the blankets. I like being able to have less stress overall!


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Definitely love the less stress every day. Even though separation is stressful, being with someone so draining was even more stressful!! I love going outside and feeling the sun shine on my face and actually feeling happiness and relief. I appreciate the little things in life so much more now. I feel alive again, I forgot what that was like, more like me, and it feels great!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

During the initial bust, I lost quite a bit of weight, just like most people. BUT, just recently, I stepped on the scale because my clothes have become looser, and realized, without any effort at all, I lost another ten pounds, and they stay off. Less stress now perhaps. :smthumbup: 

Have a wonderful day everybody!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Last night at work I was talking to this older woman I work with. A very nice sweet grandmother who has been married forever. We were talking and I smiled to something she said. She got a big smile on her face and reached out her hands like she was going to grab my face and said to me "your husband must love to see your face walk through the door when you get home". 
At that point I filled her in on my entire story. That the truth was my husband walked out on me in January.

That whole thing left me with mixed emotions. On one hand I'm sad because I am told quite often how happy and content I look but inside I don't always feel that way. On the other hand to be paid compliments like that - especially the way she did it- make me feel like people like me and care about me. 

Since he left I have lost over 50 pounds (85 total since last year) and I seem to at least look like I have a confidence about me (not that I always feel it inside) that wasn't there before he left. I've been told by people, especially people who have known me forever that my eyes have their sparkle back - whatever that's supposed to mean.

So I guess, even though I may not feel it inside, he has done me a favor by leaving. I was able to get "me" back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I have been given a gift. I have gotten to learn about myself, rediscover my self, my likes and dislikes and have a path for the future. There is only a positive path forward from here, free of roadblocks and doubt. It is a good and peaceful place to be.


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> That whole thing left me with mixed emotions. On one hand I'm sad because I am told quite often how happy and content I look but inside I don't always feel that way. On the other hand to be paid compliments like that - especially the way she did it- make me feel like people like me and care about me.
> 
> 
> So I guess, even though I may not feel it inside, he has done me a favor by leaving. I was able to get "me" back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow!! Same thing for me SS! Somewhere inside us, we know we are better off and it shows to others. I think our feelings and thoughts will catch up with what others see and we'll be free 

My positive is I am responsible again for only myself, my actions, my words. No more covering up for a man with no filter. No more being tense beyond belief around others because of what will be said by him. No more embarrassing moments. :smthumbup:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

LivingAgain said:


> No more covering up for a man with no filter. No more being tense beyond belief around others because of what will be said by him. No more embarrassing moments. :smthumbup:


I can completely understand that. Mine was the same way. Now when I have people over or I go out I'm stress free. I don't have to worry about keeping an eye on him, praying he doesn't make an idiot out of himself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

My gift from D day was learning I needed some serious fixing. I have since lost major weight, and getting into better shape. I have found out how to fix my anger issues, find my myself from the dark mental hole I created and lived in for what appears to be years. Going to take a long time, but I have at least a year before I can go home. Wife is working on herself as well.
Best part... we have more intimacy, tolerance, and fun around each other. Sex is better as well when we have it. Not as much as before D day, but about every week or two.
We also found our Faith in our God again.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I can completely understand that. Mine was the same way. Now when I have people over or I go out I'm stress free. I don't have to worry about keeping an eye on him, praying he doesn't make an idiot out of himself
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was like this for years. I would say stuff that was inappropriate and not even realize it. I have now corrected that, even cut down my cussing to where it is mostly non-exists.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Thanks for starting this thread.

I had an impromptu session with my counselor earlier in the week because I wanted to talk about the anger I feel alot.

In the course of our discussion she shared how impressed she was with how far I have come and how positively different I am from when we first started a year ago.

I know it, I feel it myself and I have more healing ahead of me. It was so very encouraging to hear someone say that they see the result of the effort I put into changing for the better and the hope it gives me that I am going to enjoy the rest of my life.

We will all live happy lives if we focus on ourselves.

Be strong brothers and sisters, be strong.

Stretch


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I can listen to Led Zepelin as loud as I want, and not just confined to my office.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

When I'm lone in my home and there is no talking now I don't feel like it's been forced on me. My H never talked to me, we could sit in the same room for a day and he wouldn't say a word unless I asked a question first.

I don't have to wonder how I'm going to ask him for sex and feel put down for asking. 

I don't feel like I am being used as his secretary anymore. I don't have to question what I did wrong in the marriage because I know it wasn't me that caused the soon to be divorce. He was just a weird bird.

alone or lonely, that question has been answered for me


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Liked my hair today. I got it done a couple of days ago, and getting nice feedback on it. Overall, I'm beginning to feel a little bit more feminine each day (which does not stop me from using a chainsaw, or chop wood). 

I agree with the others who said that other people pick up sparks in us that we may not feel just yet. I have the same experience. I smile a lot more, too. 

I'd like to think that there is purpose to this time in our lives. Like something setting us on a path to something better, whatever that may be. It is meant to accomplish something that has meaning and value to us.

smallsteps, congrats on that massive weight loss!! That's huge! You must feel like a whole new you!!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Liked my hair today. I got it done a couple of days ago, and getting nice feedback on it. Overall, I'm beginning to feel a little bit more feminine each day (which does not stop me from using a chainsaw, or chop wood). 

I agree with the others who said that other people pick up sparks in us that we may not feel just yet. I have the same experience. I smile a lot more, too. 

I'd like to think that there is purpose to this time in our lives. Like something setting us on a path to something better, whatever that may be. It is meant to accomplish something that has meaning and value to us.

smallsteps, congrats on that massive weight loss!! That's huge! You must feel like a whole new you!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

seagoat said:


> Liked my hair today. I got it done a couple of days ago, and getting nice feedback on it. Overall, I'm beginning to feel a little bit more feminine each day (which does not stop me from using a chainsaw, or chop wood).
> 
> I agree with the others who said that other people pick up sparks in us that we may not feel just yet. I have the same experience. I smile a lot more, too.
> 
> ...


Thanks I do feel great. It was so nice to go buy new cute clothes for a change. I like shopping again lol!!

This is a great thread seagoat. I think you're right - there is a purpose for this journey we're on. Its just it may not make sense to us right now but it will someday.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Today was a slow day, I have been chilling after a week of 12 hr-days. 

Made some home-made yogurt today, and it's now sitting in the fridge already to cool and set. The batch turned out well. I enjoy making my own dairy products. For the yogurt, I use my European canning jars. They're quite cute, and you create no waste. 

I opened this thread, not just to share the positives about the separation/divorce, but positive thinking in general. Helps to stay focused on the good stuff to keep the head out of the gutters, and maybe flatten out those GD emotional roller coaster rides. 

So, feel free to jump in and share your happy times, experiences, and moments with us.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

seagoat said:


> Today was a slow day, I have been chilling after a week of 12 hr-days.
> 
> Made some home-made yogurt today, and it's now sitting in the fridge already to cool and set. The batch turned out well. I enjoy making my own dairy products. For the yogurt, I use my European canning jars. They're quite cute, and you create no waste.
> 
> ...


I was actually looking for this thread earlier so I could post, hopefully regularly. Today was nice, weekends are always nice since STBXH is always away or busy and doesn't bother to call, even to check on the kids EVER, so I don't have to worry about dealing with him. 
Took the kids out for lunch and shopping today. It may not be much going on, but it relaxes me, is something fun for them to do, and we all really enjoy it. 
Love the homemade yogurt idea, I've always wanted to try, but don't know where or how to start.


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## secndtime (Aug 4, 2013)

Hi, new to forum. Having a rough day. Stbx left 9 mos ago and i am adapting to the change. Much as I miss him, though i doubt it is mutual, there are things i do not miss. Don‘t miss:
Hogging remote control
Grouchiness in the morning
Grouchiness before he went to bed
Road rage and mean comments about people
His watching espn from 6am til 11pm while he worked from home
Obsession with laptop and blackberry
Lack of desire to go on vacation or have fun

I now:
Choose my programs - would be happy to share with the right person
Do not have to deal with grumpiness
No road rage or irrational venting - peaceful drive
No sports - negotiable LOL
Dont have to compete with a machine
Just got back from lovely 16 day vacation with little daughter and 2 relatives

I am living a peaceful existence. Though i am still very sad about this betrayal, i am looking for the silver lining. The red flags were there even before i said i do so this is a chance at a better life, painful as the journey is. I still have alot of love to give - just spending some time directing that energy at myself first so i can heal and be a good mom. I am overwhelmed by the amount of pain in these forums so i appreciate that someone took the time to mention some bright spots in this crazy transition.

PS take time to count your blessings. If you think about it, things could always be worse for many of us, despite how bad things may seem.


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

I enjoy going out, seeing friends and coming home thinking what a lovely evening rather than being in the background. 

I love the fact just how much more confident I am!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm looking forward to surprising my husband with an iPad! It has to be the 32gb. This is pretty exciting for me since he has no clue and we rarely ever exchange gifts. 

Even though I'm disabled and don't work, I'm earning money here and there through my hobbies to save up for it. Plus I have money saved from precious earnings from selling free range eggs and rare pure bred chicks. I don't want to use any money he has earned for this. I'm finding other ways to earn the cash also since these devices are not cheap. It will be nice to have the cash upfront. He would have no clue it was purchased(since he takes care of the banking).

This will either be his anniversary or birthday gift. We stopped exchanging gifts about 12 years ago since we both never want or need anything. Hey, I'm pretty excited about it!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

NeverMore said:


> I was actually looking for this thread earlier so I could post, hopefully regularly. Today was nice, weekends are always nice since STBXH is always away or busy and doesn't bother to call, even to check on the kids EVER, so I don't have to worry about dealing with him.
> Took the kids out for lunch and shopping today. It may not be much going on, but it relaxes me, is something fun for them to do, and we all really enjoy it.
> Love the homemade yogurt idea, I've always wanted to try, but don't know where or how to start.


If you would really like to get into this, I can point you in the right direction. No need for a yogurt maker or other fancy devices. There is also a lot of info on the net. Overall, though, it's a bit of trial and error, choosing a good culture, and maintaining a certain temperature. Let me know, or send me a PM if you need more info.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

secndtime said:


> PS take time to count your blessings. If you think about it, things could always be worse for many of us, despite how bad things may seem.


That's so true! Welcome to the forum, too!!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm looking forward to surprising my husband with an iPad! It has to be the 32gb. This is pretty exciting for me since he has no clue and we rarely ever exchange gifts.
> 
> Even though I'm disabled and don't work, I'm earning money here and there through my hobbies to save up for it. Plus I have money saved from precious earnings from selling free range eggs and rare pure bred chicks. I don't want to use any money he has earned for this. I'm finding other ways to earn the cash also since these devices are not cheap. It will be nice to have the cash upfront. He would have no clue it was purchased(since he takes care of the banking).
> 
> This will either be his anniversary or birthday gift. We stopped exchanging gifts about 12 years ago since we both never want or need anything. Hey, I'm pretty excited about it!


I hope he will treasure his new gadget, and appreciate how much effort it took on your behalf obtaining it for him! 

These are things I would have enjoyed doing for my STBX, but he rejected me over and over. So I keep doing them for my son, who is highly appreciative of my efforts. We recently spent a vacation together, all of which I kept a secret, destination, activities, etc. He was a good sports and trodded along initially, not knowing what he was supposed to expect. He had a blast, though, and it was probably our best vacation together, ever.

Keep us posted about his response after you give him the iPad!!


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I am just loving rediscovering me, I'm fun and adventurous and happy. Right now it's stressful trying to get packed up to move, but the new beginning will be worth it. I have been so positive after living with so much negativity. I have reconnected with old friends, made some new friends and just generally enjoying life. My kids are doing great and we have had some fun times.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Today really feels like Indian Summer already. Dry air, breezy, and I have my windows open, and the AC off. Beautiful!!

I really need to keep my eye on the ups. Divorce, empty nest, and menopause all at once is taxing. It's a new chapter in my life, and it's amazing how quickly the family/child-rearing chapter flew by. The AARP already sends me stuff , but I don't feel old enough for adult living. In fact, this newfound freedom re-awakens a sense of adventure in me that has been laying dormant due to child-rearing and catering to my X's career.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Today has been rough, and I am struggling to find something positive. The roller coaster is on its way down again, but I keep trying to slow it down.

Held a baby today. I have not had one in my arms since my son was little, and I am the panultimate mother hen! I even got him to chuckle. So, there's a positive.

Also, got some support on another forum regarding my consideration for relocation to another state. Another positive. 

And had a pint of B&J frozen yogurt. That was positive, but the bad news is, it's gone now!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

seagoat said:


> Today has been rough, and I am struggling to find something positive. The roller coaster is on its way down again, but I keep trying to slow it down.
> 
> Held a baby today. I have not had one in my arms since my son was little, and I am the panultimate mother hen! I even got him to chuckle. So, there's a positive.
> 
> ...


Feeling a little bit that way myself seagoat.

Got everything done on my to do list done today. Straightened out my laundry room, took care of my oldest S financial aid stuff, took care of younger S HS paperwork, started to get the pool back to normal, hit the bank. 
My new kindle fire came today so that's a new toy to play with but still feeling an undercurrent of anxiety. I guess it's just one of those days. 

Oh well there's always tomorrow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Feeling a little bit that way myself seagoat.
> 
> Got everything done on my to do list done today. Straightened out my laundry room, took care of my oldest S financial aid stuff, took care of younger S HS paperwork, started to get the pool back to normal, hit the bank.
> My new kindle fire came today so that's a new toy to play with but still feeling an undercurrent of anxiety. I guess it's just one of those days.
> ...


I agree. The feeling of happiness and excitement is muted, at least very often. It's there, but so is the dark side of the story. I wonder how long it will take for all of this to be just an emotionless memory. I also wonder why I react so strongly when there is even just minuscule amount of contact, most of the time just indirect. I admire the folks who must have or do have contact to their ex's. I could not tolerate it without completely falling apart. I guess adding up a decade worth of lying and cheating, and finally coming all together in my head to form a coherent story is like lighting a box of dynamite. But I digress....

Nonetheless, enjoy your Kindle Fire. Have you had an e-reader before, or is this your first? I have a nook, the old e-ink, not the color version. Love it!!! My library is growing, and it's so much fun to have all your books at your fingertips, dust-free, and without taking up space. I love reading with them too because you can change the font size (don't need reading glasses, lol), and can clip on a light for better illumination. 

Summer's almost over, at least for the kids. Kudos on getting all the paperwork out of the way! This is such a PITA! :scratchhead:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks. This is my second one. I got the first one for Christmas 2011 but recently the USB has been loose and it was getting harder & harder to charge. After some research I found out it was a factory defect. They wouldn't replace it but they did give me a great discount on a new and better model so that was a reason to be happy. I spoke up and got a great deal on something 
I use it for everything and you're right it makes reading books so much easier lol!

I think that time of indifference for us will happen eventually. I really try to have minimal contact with mine. It just makes it easier on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> They wouldn't replace it but they did give me a great discount on a new and better model so that was a reason to be happy. I spoke up and got a great deal on something
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There you go!!!! :smthumbup:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Here's to having a better day today


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> The roller coaster is on its way down again, but I keep trying to slow it down.


I feel the same way. I found out my stbxh and possible ow have blocked me from FB. 
but looking forward to my 22 hour, which will be more like 36 hours for me, drive back to California all by myself!!
This excites and scares me a bit but I am ready.
I am looking forward to see my friends, my family, and to make new friends.
Looking forward to finding an apartment, a job!!!
It is all soo scary but I am ready!


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Thanks for this thread seagoat. I've been separated almost nine months. Lots of **** going on there but that's not what this thread is for and I appreciate the chance to focus on the good. For a while I was managing it better - finding attractive guys to flirt with, feeling sexy in my new body (40 lbs less), and doing a lot of positive affirmation and deep breathing when I got anxious. 

Now it's been two months of moving out, wanting to leave the province, X refusing to allow me (we have a 7 year old D) finding a new place, and visiting with friends and family, including the ex-in-laws. So the anxiety is back and I haven't been eating as well or practising my positive thoughts.

So here we go:

I am happy to be able to spend time on the beach with my D, like today, and not wonder in the back of my head if my X really wants to be there with us. I am happy to be able to read a book tonight for as long as I want without him thinking I'm lazy or avoiding reality. I am happy to be in this new house which is perfect for me, truly, and wouldn't have come about if we were still together. I'm happy to have been able to plan and take a road trip without my X saying after the fact that he didn't even want to go on the trip at all (even though we had fun). I'm even happy to be able to see him for the weak, passive, hurtful ******* he is and realize, as hard as it is to let go of what "could have been," I am seeing what IS and the truth hurts but it will move me forward. 

I am also happy to have realized there is a cute pharmacist in this small town. I'll have to find out if he's single...

(Not so happy to have found out my D has lice, but what can you do but laugh a little and get on with the work of parenting? Funny that she came home with it after three days at her dad's...a metaphor for what I feel like he is in my life...a pesky, itchy bug that isn't helping at all but won't go away.)

Anyway, happy thoughts when you can, folks, and find expression for the anger and sadness too. In time I can see the balance shifting to more positive than negative, especially if we focus on it.

so thanks again seagoat for this.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Lucy, you're most welcome. I enjoyed reading your post. Sorry about the lice, but I chuckled when I learned they appeared after a stay with your ex.  I hope the cute pharmacist was able to help you find a suitable product to treat those little critters. 

I'm nowhere even near wanting to flirt or be close to someone else. But that's because how things ended for me. 

On the bright side, though, and this is a positive, I am beginning to realize that it is just THIS man, not all of them. I joined another thread a while ago, where many men, after their relationships faltered, paint all women the same color as their ex. It must be a very painful, lonely place to be in their skins. I'm glad that my mind is not taking me there.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Got a job interview in the state I would like to move to. All expenses paid. That's my ace in the sleeve for today, other than the fact that it's the weekend coming up. 

I'm planning a big, huge yard sale to lighten the load. Amazing how much can accumulate in two decades.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I signed the lease on our new apt today. I love it so much, it's actually bigger than the house we are leaving. I am so so happy I know that this is a great thing. I didn't want to drive back to the old town at all. I wanted to stay in the new town and just enjoy being in something that holds nothing but new awesome memories! The house is all packed and I get the giant moving truck tomorrow morning. Last night in a house that holds nothing but bad vibes and bad memories. This is my favorite thread on this site. I had to stop reading for a while, it was too depressing.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

Beautiful weather today, breezy and sunny in the 70's just hanging outside with the kids soaking in the sun and fresh air, life is good


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Got a Facebook message today from one of my oldest friends suggesting it was time for all of us to get together. I had just been thinking the same thing and when I contacted another friend she said she'd been thinking the same thing lol. So it will take a few days to get everyone to agree on a date but I'm looking forward to it.

I should explain these people, there are probably about 10 of us grew up together. My house was the hang out place and these people were more like my sisters and brothers than friends. They even called my mom "mom" instead of " Ms *******".

When I got married H did not like my relationship with them. He slowly did things to drive them away. When he left the first thing I did was contact them. I apologized for the way I treated them but their response to me was "we never had a fight. We walked away because we could see it was causing problems with H and we didn't want to cause issues. We thought you were happy". These people got my behind out of my house a month after he left and since then we plan a get together ever 4 to 6 weeks. 

It really amazes me that we could pick up like no time had passed after 25 years of not seeing each other.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

seagoat said:


> On the bright side, though, and this is a positive, I am beginning to realize that it is just THIS man, not all of them. I joined another thread a while ago, where many men, after their relationships faltered, paint all women the same color as their ex. It must be a very painful, lonely place to be in their skins. I'm glad that my mind is not taking me there.


Painting all of one group as the same is a sign of feeble thinking or immaturity. There are good dudes out there, find one (or a string of some) when you're ready.

I'd be really bummed if I thought all women were the same. They're uniquely wonderful and flawed. Men too.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

angstire said:


> I'd be really bummed if I thought all women were the same. They're uniquely wonderful and flawed. Men too.


Forget to say, although, sometimes those flaws rule them out. That makes red flag radar so important. Luckily, we're honing that based on what we've been thru.

But there's men and women out there that are worth knowing and will return your affection and love. I believe it's a question of being critical and looking for those red flags and being ready to walk rather than hope. 

That's what I've learned in 2013.

And back to positives: cooking with my daughters.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

The unimaginable is happening, something that I would have found totally inconceivable only two weeks ago. I'm going to meet up with a man soon. As in getting to know each other, etc. Don't want to give away too much, but this little intermezzo has been stirring up some feelings in the stomach area, and giving my facial muscles a good workout. Just when I thought I would be so far away from all of that still. 

Just before all that began, I felt things changing, as if the open wound closed, and the healing is now in progress. Not sure what brought it on, though. But I am enjoying the new situation. It's like my true self is finally emerging (again).


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

In other words: I'm going shopping!!!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

seagoat said:


> The unimaginable is happening, something that I would have found totally inconceivable only two weeks ago. I'm going to meet up with a man soon. As in getting to know each other, etc. Don't want to give away too much, but this little intermezzo has been stirring up some feelings in the stomach area, and giving my facial muscles a good workout. Just when I thought I would be so far away from all of that still.
> 
> Just before all that began, I felt things changing, as if the open wound closed, and the healing is now in progress. Not sure what brought it on, though. But I am enjoying the new situation. It's like my true self is finally emerging (again).



Good for you!!! That is so great!!! I hope all goes well. You give hope to the rest of us. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I leave tomorrow at the break of dawn. Please pray for me
As I drive 1200 and some miles by MYSElF.
Excited! And a tad scared.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> I leave tomorrow at the break of dawn. Please pray for me
> As I drive 1200 and some miles by MYSElF.
> Excited! And a tad scared.


Good luck on your trip!!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I leave tomorrow at the break of dawn. Please pray for me
> As I drive 1200 and some miles by MYSElF.
> Excited! And a tad scared.


Safe travels!! Enjoy the trip. Do you like road trips?


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I would love a road trip to California! Have fun - you will be alright.
There is a great little mexican place on the side of the highway, just outside Arcata, if you happen to go that way.

For my part, I've got my D with her dad for the first overnight since we moved an hour away from him. I'm a teeny bit terrified too, but I've also started a new job, have plans to take a ferry, see a live music show and camp-out with an awesome friend. And there's always the chance the cute pharmacist will come into my work again...


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Positive thinking:

Waking up everyday with "my cup is half full instead of empty" thoughts.

Think how unhealthy it is for our bodies to have stress. Stress affects immunity, eating habits, exercise habits. 

Letting regrets be water under the bridge. The good and bad experiences whether in our control or not can make us a better person eventually. We have experiences and wisdom to share and help others.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

lucy mulholland said:


> I would love a road trip to California! Have fun - you will be alright.
> There is a great little mexican place on the side of the highway, just outside Arcata, if you happen to go that way.
> 
> For my part, I've got my D with her dad for the first overnight since we moved an hour away from him. I'm a teeny bit terrified too, but I've also started a new job, have plans to take a ferry, see a live music show and camp-out with an awesome friend. And there's always the chance the cute pharmacist will come into my work again...


Sounds like fun!! Definitely keep an eye out for that cute pharmacist....


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I made it to California! The drive was gut wrenching. I wanted to turn around so many times! 
But I am here. I started therapy. I went hiking twice! Climbed all the way to the top of a mountain yesterday. Doing it again tomorrow.
Having brunch w my high school friends on Sunday!
Far from loving life but taking baby steps!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I've realized that in the time since the break-up with my ex, I've changed a lot. It's much easier to take negative things and find something positive in even the most painful of them. I've had several in the last week or two, but yet it hasn't dragged me down like it once would have. I do think that the root of it is being away from my ex, who was extremely negative about everything, and also emotionally abusive to me. For example, this week, I did some more research into some reactions that were triggered in me a week or two ago. The strength of them surprised me, as did the thing that caused them to happen in the first place. I'm a researcher by nature, so I started looking into it. I found that this is a type of PTSD (as I suspected), but isn't related to my marriage, but rather to my childhood. I've already been aware of problems there and been in therapy and working on dealing with that. But when I learned this new information, it didn't make me sad or angry. It didn't even really hurt. It actually made me feel _hopeful_, to my continued surprise. Why? Because now that I know _why_, I can attack it and work on it, and it won't pop up and surprise me anymore. It's another chain to my past that I'll be breaking. Everything I can do, every technique I learn, is something I'm doing towards a healthier life from this point forward --- AND it's helping me to stop the repeating dysfunction that I can see going back at least two generations. My son will benefit from this, too.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I've realized that in the time since the break-up with my ex, I've changed a lot. It's much easier to take negative things and find something positive in even the most painful of them. I've had several in the last week or two, but yet it hasn't dragged me down like it once would have. I do think that the root of it is being away from my ex, who was extremely negative about everything, and also emotionally abusive to me. For example, this week, I did some more research into some reactions that were triggered in me a week or two ago. The strength of them surprised me, as did the thing that caused them to happen in the first place. I'm a researcher by nature, so I started looking into it. I found that this is a type of PTSD (as I suspected), but isn't related to my marriage, but rather to my childhood. I've already been aware of problems there and been in therapy and working on dealing with that. But when I learned this new information, it didn't make me sad or angry. It didn't even really hurt. It actually made me feel _hopeful_, to my continued surprise. Why? Because now that I know _why_, I can attack it and work on it, and it won't pop up and surprise me anymore. It's another chain to my past that I'll be breaking. Everything I can do, every technique I learn, is something I'm doing towards a healthier life from this point forward --- AND it's helping me to stop the repeating dysfunction that I can see going back at least two generations. My son will benefit from this, too.



My friends and I went to dinner the other night and had a conversation about this. They mentioned how once they were able to make the connection between things that caused anxiety in their lives to things that happened to them in the past, it made it much easier to deal with.

I've had some positive things happen this week : I had a great night going to dinner with friends the other day and my kids and I saved a baby rabbit from a crow that was throwing it around like a toy. Bunny is eating and thriving. That makes me happy.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

Kids and I are doing well. They like their new schools. I got a couple tattoos as a moving forward thing today. Love them! Joined a gym in the new town so I've got that going. School starts for me Monday. 2 more days and things are officially final!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Back from my travels. May get the job, sounds promising in certain ways, but ultimately I'll be in a part of the country where I have wanted to be, and the quality of like will be improving. And the employer has an excellent reputation in their field.

The date/first meet, OTOH seems to be a dud (I think). I parted with him, thinking that everything is fine and dandy, the meeting was great, relaxed, and easy-going, he asked to see me again, he even wrote that, sent me his e-mail to get off the dating site, we have each other's phone#s, and now he acts like a dead duck. I sent him two brief and casual messages, to which I have received no responses. He is still on that dating site, I took my profile down because I have a lot going on, and I'm no serial dater.

My son made it back from overseas, and I'm happy about that!!

And the happiest of thoughts is that you can now eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's Greek yogurt without feeling guilty. :smthumbup:


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

I have noticed that I am beginning to deal with the ex in a more balanced way. Several weeks ago, I could not even hear his name without going into a tailspin. Now, I can e-mail him, or read his, without any major or minor breakdown. At first, I attributed it to that date, but since he is a no-go, it may be more of a healing thing. 

Sounds like I'm really moving on now, not just in word, but also in spirit.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Seagoat- nice to hear things are going well for you and you seem to be moving on.

My mother tells me "you're going to meet some duds before you meet the right one". Just chalk your first venture out in the dating world as a dud and move on.  She also tells me it's when I'm not looking, when I least expect it is when I'll meet someone. Lol, we'll see but I'll share that advice with you.

It funny you said about the two messages. I'm not dating or even entertaining the idea yet, but I have the two message rule I try to live by. If I message a friend, old or new 2x' s and I don't hear back I won't send another until they respond (there are exceptions of course). It just helps me judge myself that I'm not being overwhelming or pushy. I'm always afraid of doing that. I figure after two messages and no response, the person doesn't want to talk to me anyway. I'm fine with that.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Seagoat- nice to hear things are going well for you and you seem to be moving on.
> 
> My mother tells me "you're going to meet some duds before you meet the right one". Just chalk your first venture out in the dating world as a dud and move on.  She also tells me it's when I'm not looking, when I least expect it is when I'll meet someone. Lol, we'll see but I'll share that advice with you.
> 
> It funny you said about the two messages. I'm not dating or even entertaining the idea yet, but I have the two message rule I try to live by. If I message a friend, old or new 2x' s and I don't hear back I won't send another until they respond (there are exceptions of course). It just helps me judge myself that I'm not being overwhelming or pushy. I'm always afraid of doing that. I figure after two messages and no response, the person doesn't want to talk to me anyway. I'm fine with that.


Smallsteps, that sounds like a good rule.

Seagoat -- I've always heard that the online dating things is a numbers game. You have to go out with a lot of single-date-duds to find the good guys. Separating the wheat from the chaffe, so to speak. Leave your profile up, and just see what happens! Worst case scenario, you don't get any nibbles and you keep on as you have been and focus on what you need to focus on. More likely, you'll get some nibbles and you go out on some dates, and they don't work out but you get some dating practice and you might even make some friends. Best case? You meet a great guy!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I've been thinking about this thread for a while now, and what some of the positives have been for me since my STBXH moved out. Here are some of the things that came to mind:

1) No more blackout curtains in my bedroom! My STBXH worked nights and would sleep until noon (or later), so he needed the bedroom dark all the time. I hated that, and it made it difficult for me to wake up in the AM (for my 9-5). Now, my bedroom is flooded with light every morning and I love it. (Bonus: it's now easier for me to get up in the mornings, and I find myself waking up earlier and earlier. Am I turning into a morning person? I might be!)

2) I can play music in the morning when I get ready. I love to listen to music, especially in the morning. I think it helps set the tone/mood for my day. I haven't been able to do this in a decade, because my STBXH was a very light sleeper, and any small sound would wake him up. I love it - and I'm singing in the shower!

3) I can make smoothies in the morning now (see #2). I don't do it every morning, but on weekends (or if I'm up early), it's a great way to start the day.

4) I make my bed every morning now! I love having a nice, made bed to come home to. I couldn't do that before - and my STBXH was always too lazy to do it, even when I explained the importance of doing so. (We - now I - have two cats, and one of them tracks litter all over the house. This cat likes to jump up onto the bed. If the bed is unmade, cat litter gets in the bed. That is nasty! When STBXH was here, I would have to sweep cat litter off the bed every night before going to sleep. Gross! But STBXH never noticed/cared. Now? No more litter in the bed!)

5) I have a top sheet on my bed now, too. STBXH hated top sheets, and whenever I would put one on the bed, he would take it off before I got home. Now I have one, and I love the feeling of literally slipping between the sheets at night.

6) I have a new bedspread set that I love, and it makes me happy to look at it. The old bed set? He picked it out, and it was shoddily manufactured, was falling apart and pilling everywhere, and didn't go with the room at all. I hated it, but I kept it was ours and I was thinking there was still a chance to save our marriage. But when I realized we were DONE, I folded it up and stuffed it in a bag, and bought a new bed set that's very ME. And it's a high-quality, 100% organic cotton quilt that goes beautifully with the room. It's very soothing, and it's changed the feeling of the room completely. The bedroom feels more tranquil now, and it feels like MY bedroom. It doesn't feel like our bedroom anymore (with the exception of a few items I need to clear out), and that's a very good feeling. Once I get those few remaining items out, it will be fully MY space, and that will be a GREAT feeling!

7) I'm happy that I don't have to reserve my weekends for "quality time" (note a little bit of sarcasm?) with my now STBXH. (That usually involved him ignoring me for hours on end, while he sat on the couch in his underwear glued to the TV, or he sat on the bed in his underwear playing video games.) Now, I can do WHATEVER I WANT with my weekends, which is great. I can go out and try new things, explore more of my city, and hang out with my friends - all without worrying that he'll feel abandoned.

8) I'm happy to be getting his crap out of the house! When he moved out, he left 97% of his sh!t here, and never bothered to come back and get anything. So I just started packing his stuff up and rented a storage unit, and have been moving his stuff out piecemeal. A lot of people say I'm being too nice, and they would have just put his stuff out on the lawn and let him deal with it, but the process has been cathartic for me. Some things have been easy to let go from the very beginning, and I packed those first. As I've processed my hurt, anger, sadness, and all the other multitude of emotion, each box gets a little easier; now, it's much easier to pack of the things I didn't want to let go of in the beginning. And as the stuff goes out the door, I feel the space in my home opening up and the wounds in my heart healing up. My goal is to be finished moving out all of his things by Sept 22, which is our 6th wedding anniversary. This means I actually need to be finished by Sept 14, since I'm on a work trip the following week. I think this is definitely do-able, since I estimate that I'm 75% of the way through. The other great thing about this is that it's also helping me deal with my own hoarder tendencies, so I'm processing this at the same time as well.

9) I'm enjoying making this space my own. I love bright colors, and my STBXH hated them. (He only wanted neutrals, except for this awful orange rug he picked out.) So now I'm decorating how I want, with bright colors. It turns out that orange rug actually works well with the stuff I've brought into the home to decorate. I'm looking forward to more of this once I move out the last of his stuff.

10) The house smells better now! I never realized how slovenly he was for a long time (when we first got together, he had a cleaning lady), and it only grew progressively worse over time. Seriously, he was a pig. He blamed me for the mess in the house and the state of our living conditions, but he contributed a lot more than he was willing to admit. I am STILL finding his stinky, dirty socks in random places. And when I was cleaning out his side of the bed (on the far side of the room, so I never had any need to go over there), it was DISGUSTING. Spent tissues everywhere (I'll give you one guess what was in those tissues, and it wasn't snot), and hundreds of toenail clippings all over the floor. (I told you it was disgusting.) But I cleaned it all up, and I think I've found most of the dirty, stinky socks he left behind. I'm keeping the whole house cleaner now, as I go through, sort, and trash things, and I feel really good about that. It makes me feel really good about me. I grew up with a hoarder (which explains my tendencies), and so I grew up in a house that was a mess. I thought that was the best that I deserved. But I'm realizing that I deserve a nice place the live and relax, and I'm doing my best to create that for myself. Like I said, it makes me feel really good about me.

11) I hardly ever watch TV anymore. My STBXH had the TV on ALL THE TIME. Made me crazy, all the noise and the flashing light, but he likes the background noise. So, when he moved out, the first thing I did was cancel the cable. And it's so quiet. I love it. And I didn't realize how much TV I was watching before he moved out, on nights when I was home alone. I was so lonely, sad, hurt, etc., that I would plop down on the couch and watch TV all night. I never had time to do anything else because I was watching TV all the time. Now, I feel like I have so much time! And I'm able to do the things I want - and I have more time to fill. Without the TV, I can have such a full, interesting life! I'm working on filling it right now. I've spent more time playing my guitar and piano, and I'm thinking of taking dance classes! I've always wanted to, but never have. And I have time to study and learn Italian, which I started a while ago, but then gave it up. And I want to get back into theater, which was a big part of my life for a long time. And writing - I need to get writing again. All of this is very exciting. I still watch movies on Amazon Prime, or the occasional TV show online, but now I have to make a conscious decision to do so; it's no longer a default activity, and I get to watch what I want. I'm not forced to watch Top Gear or Attack of the Show because it's what my STBXH decided we were going to watch. 

(I know this is the positive thread, but I have to get this out. I HATE Attack of the Show; I also HATE Family Guy and American Dad. I find all these shows to be offensive, sexist, and misogynistic. I hate them, hate them, hate them. I told my STBXH this SO MANY TIMES. I hate these shows, I don't want to watch them. But he would put them on anyway, when we were supposed to be having our quality time together. So I would leave the room, and he would get upset with me for leaving because this was supposed to be quality time. And I'm like, Seriously? THIS IS QUALITY TIME? Ignoring me, while simultaneously forcing me to watch a crappy tv show, a tv show that I find so vile and offensive that it makes me want to vomit -- this is supposed to be quality time? Yes, I SHOULD be divorcing this tool.)

So anyway, there are SO MANY positives. I'm going to post more here as I think of them. I really like this thread.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

FP - I'm having a sort of down day but your post made me laugh and remember all the positives of them leaving!!  thanks!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> FP - I'm having a sort of down day but your post made me laugh and remember all the positives of them leaving!!  thanks!


Glad I could help! I'll post more when I think of some more things and have some time. Be strong. I find that when I go back and read my old threads when we were still together and I was so unhappy, it reminds me why this is a GOOD thing.

*hugs*


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

FB! Wonderful post! Reminded me of so many changes I've made too! 

1. I'm moving in a month, and when I do, no animals will be allowed in the bedroom. End of! Ex always insisted in the animals being in there. Dog no so much a problem, but the cats all over the bed! And the old house we live in, the doors dont shut properly! 

2. Getting rid of any ugly crap. Have already bagged up all his stuff and he has till sept 8 to get it. So that means ugly rug, ugly pictures, ugly bedding and more - gone! 

3. I'm getting rid of the old bed. I hated it, had to buy a topper just to make a tolerable. Getting a new bed soon after I move! 

4. Tv is off almost all the time now, as opposed to constant before. I've stopped cable. The times Im at SIL's, the tv is usually on (she has two teenage boys) and I can't say I've seen anything that makes me think I'm missing out! I do watch a lot more movies now, my choice of course, which is awesome! 

5. Yes! the damned blackout blinds and curtains! I like light and like to wake naturally to daylight. Ex would stay up crazy late playing video games, watching crap tv, and then needed the dark to sleep on (curse of self employed!). I hated that! My natural schedule is more awake and energetic in the morning and less so at night. I remember forcing myself to stay up late so we could be together. He hated when I went to bed when I was tired! So I was always tired! Duh! Can't believe I tolerated all this before. I would never put up with it now. 

6. Cup of tea in the morning while I read a few pages, could never do that before due to ex sleeping. I so enjoy that first cup of tea now! 

7. No more having to drive a drunk. No more always having to be sober because he couldn't tolerate being somewhere without a drink! Or ten! 

8. And on that score, no more embarrassing drunk, no more cringing while he made a fool out of himself and embarrassed me. 

9. End of codependent me who tolerated all that crap. 

10. End of ex getting pissed when I didn't agree with him and me backing down (codependent anyone?) so not to make a scene or have a row. 

11. No more water splashed everywhere in bathroom, hairs in the sink, toilet lid up, his pubes on my sponge! Sorry, it had to be said!! No more nicking my face cream. And that just the bathroom! Let's see, no more leaving a cm of milk in the jug, or dirty plates/mugs beside his side of the bed which I then don't notice for days. No more used tissues everywhere which the dog then steals and eats!!! Disgusting! 

This could be an endless post, bt I'll stop there! Best thread on TAM!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I've been thinking about this thread for a while now, and what some of the positives have been for me since my STBXH moved out. Here are some of the things that came to mind:
> 
> 1) No more blackout curtains in my bedroom! My STBXH worked nights and would sleep until noon (or later), so he needed the bedroom dark all the time. I hated that, and it made it difficult for me to wake up in the AM (for my 9-5). Now, my bedroom is flooded with light every morning and I love it. (Bonus: it's now easier for me to get up in the mornings, and I find myself waking up earlier and earlier. Am I turning into a morning person? I might be!)
> 
> ...


Thanks for putting it all out there! I know how much of a relief it is to spell out the things that have been festering inside us before the breakup. Your post actually cracked me up. Moving on should be an easy task for you! Like you, taking over the house was the first thing I did. He, too, had his idiosyncracies about some things domestic, and I am so relieved to not having to stick to them again, ever!

Good for you! Keep it going, every step counts. Healing and moving on is so important, but it does not happen on its own. It's a decision, where your head must lead for your heart to follow.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Seagoat- nice to hear things are going well for you and you seem to be moving on.
> 
> My mother tells me "you're going to meet some duds before you meet the right one". Just chalk your first venture out in the dating world as a dud and move on.  She also tells me it's when I'm not looking, when I least expect it is when I'll meet someone. Lol, we'll see but I'll share that advice with you.
> 
> It funny you said about the two messages. I'm not dating or even entertaining the idea yet, but I have the two message rule I try to live by. If I message a friend, old or new 2x' s and I don't hear back I won't send another until they respond (there are exceptions of course). It just helps me judge myself that I'm not being overwhelming or pushy. I'm always afraid of doing that. I figure after two messages and no response, the person doesn't want to talk to me anyway. I'm fine with that.


I have to shamefully admit that the guy contacted me. Apparently (?) my e-mail to him must have gone amiss. I'm glad it did, it heightens the anticipation.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

seagoat said:


> I have to shamefully admit that the guy contacted me. Apparently (?) my e-mail to him must have gone amiss. I'm glad it did, it heightens the anticipation.


That's why I say 2, because there can always be a mix up on the first one lol.

Hey as long as he contacted you after 2 messages who cares? The important thing is HE contacted YOU!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Positive thinking huh. My ex wasn't marriage material but you know what? Neither was I. I was driven by a misguided notion of right/wrong and was driven by fear of being alone.

The good that comes out of most failed relationships is what you learn from it and don't repeat.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> FB! Wonderful post! Reminded me of so many changes I've made too!
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


Yes and yes!!! Are you sure you weren't married to my STBXH? :rofl:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

seagoat said:


> Thanks for putting it all out there! I know how much of a relief it is to spell out the things that have been festering inside us before the breakup. Your post actually cracked me up. Moving on should be an easy task for you! Like you, taking over the house was the first thing I did. He, too, had his idiosyncracies about some things domestic, and I am so relieved to not having to stick to them again, ever!
> 
> Good for you! Keep it going, every step counts. Healing and moving on is so important, but it does not happen on its own. It's a decision, where your head must lead for your heart to follow.


Thanks! I did have some major setbacks this month (see my thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/113450-wtf-going-me.html), but we've been separated since February, so I'd already made pretty good progress, and I've bounced back pretty quickly from the referenced setback, thanks in large part to the fantastic folks here on TAM.

12) No longer having to plan my life around his set-in-stone routines. It was like being married to a 70-yr-old man in the body of a thirty-something, but with the emotional maturity of a toddler. Done with that, too! Now I do what I want, when I want.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Seagoat for this thread, I have been reading the posts every morning to help motivate me and show me that it's not all doom and gloom. At the moment I feel so far in my sadness I find it hard to pick out the positive things but I will give it a try...

I don't have to be my Hs taxi anymore driving him from A to B all the time and even driving him and his friends around.
I don't have to put up with him snapping at me when he's stressed and taking it all out on me while he's nice to everyone else.
I don't have to deal with him coming home drunk and being sick everywhere and having to clean it up. Or when he comes home drunk is angry and starts a fight with me or his brother. 

That's a few I can think of right now, might see more positives over time but for me personally I agree with everyone I feel like this is some sort of test or path we have been given and we've got to travel through it to find where it leads us to, I trust in God it will be a better place than we were in before. 

I have been going to the gym more to keep fit and in good shape which had been nice, also I have bought some new reading books to keep me entertained. Oh and one of the craziest things I did was I got a tattoo about two weeks ago, I already have one but I wanted a second one for a long time so I just went for it! I wouldn't recommend getting a tattoo on the whim so think long and hard, but for me it made me feel in control and like I wasn't afraid of anything. Thinking of changing my hair maybe adding a few highlights or something to liven things up. 

And seagoat I hope things go well for you, like Smallsteps said you really do give us all hope!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Good to see you on here, Juicy.  The positive things don't have to be huge, but you still have some great ones! And it will just get better.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

well done Juicy! its important for your healing to always be grateful for whatever has improved in your life since your H left. 

Well done on going to gym and getting into shape- that's awesome! 

I always wanted a tattoo- hope you're happy with it- can I ask what did you get?? 

I'm thinking of changing my hair too! I am dark blonde naturally and have always dyed my hair light blonde as H liked it like that. well I am dead tired of blonde and thinking a very light brown or strawberry blonde/red. I really would like a tattoo too, will be interested in what you got. 

I think the more control you can take in your life- from your hair to small decisions about what you eat or what pictures you have up to more important decisions like where you live or job or school all will help you feel stronger and better about yourself.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I moved to California two weeks ago, since then i have been searching for a job (no luck yet). I am hiking almost everyday, i like it and it keeps my mind calm. In any event, yesterday i was having a hard day missing my stbxh, so i went up the hill (as I call it). I have a camo camel pack that i take with me all the time. As i was going up, someone asked if I was military (i am national guard) and that was that.
Coming down, the same person and I began chatting and he happens to be a LAPD recruiter, gave me his card and told me to email him to find out more about a job with the LAPD
ALthough being a cop is not something i wish to do, I emailed him to find out about other job opportunities with the LAPD.
This encounter lifted my spirits and made me feel good (i still missed my husband) but I am a bit happier.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> I moved to California two weeks ago, since then i have been searching for a job (no luck yet). I am hiking almost everyday, i like it and it keeps my mind calm. In any event, yesterday i was having a hard day missing my stbxh, so i went up the hill (as I call it). I have a camo camel pack that i take with me all the time. As i was going up, someone asked if I was military (i am national guard) and that was that.
> Coming down, the same person and I began chatting and he happens to be a LAPD recruiter, gave me his card and told me to email him to find out more about a job with the LAPD
> ALthough being a cop is not something i wish to do, I emailed him to find out about other job opportunities with the LAPD.
> This encounter lifted my spirits and made me feel good (i still missed my husband) but I am a bit happier.


There are definitely other jobs in the LAPD aside from just being a cop, and your Natl Guard background will be a big selling point, I think. Good luck!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you everyone  I am trying to keep positive and take each day as it comes, before I was trying to plan so far ahead but it all just got to me so taking it slow is much easier, it gives me time to adjust to things.

Going to the gym has been good, I love dancing so doing group dance classes has been fun. And Chopsy I got a small tattoo of the spade card suit, it's not to big and I am happy with how it has turned out. 

I'm not really a cards player but I have always liked the card suit symbols. I like tarot readings and the spade symbolises death and rebirth so I felt it was fitting in a time of my life like this, I guess I see it as the rebirth of the new me. I guess I mostly liked the way it looks just a small symbol, but meaningful to me. I already had one tattoo before I got the new one, my first tattoo is the word hope written in the Aramaic language (my mother and father's mother tongue). 

I would say take your time and think of a design that is meaningful and special to you, I think I sorta rushed to get my new tattoo but I do like it. So I would advise not to rush as you will be much happier with your tattoo.

And I was thinking of colouring my hair maybe a red colour too! Not too bright though just a nice dark red, or I was thinking of light brown highlights. I always feel so much uplifted when I change my hair and give myself a new look


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Juicy I was thinking of coloring my hair red too!! Post a pic with final outcome please. 
I had a great conversation w my sister. It was awesome. Going to Vegas tomorrow w my niece and little brother. I feel happy!! Wow... I actually feel happy!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> @Juicy I was thinking of coloring my hair red too!! Post a pic with final outcome please.
> I had a great conversation w my sister. It was awesome. Going to Vegas tomorrow w my niece and little brother. I feel happy!! Wow... I actually feel happy!!


Yeah, post a picture!!!

I'm actually thinking about the same thing... getting a cut, and then doing a temporary home-dye-job.

Immediate boost.

Funny, when I do this sort of thing, I always get tons of positive comments from other people, but my STBXH would never remark on it one way or another, unless he complained that I cut my hair and that he liked it better longer. 

Whatevs, bub! My hair, I do what I want. If I have to put up with your dumb-ass facial hair, you can deal with me chopping off a few inches of my locks.

13) Not being mortified in public by my STBXH's ridiculous facial hair du jour, his careless appearance, and dirty/wrinkled clothing. It was like he was TRYING to make himself as physically repulsive as possible, and it worked! Nice job.

:rofl:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I posted this on another thread just now:



FeministInPink said:


> My STBXH also had NO concept of money at all. Before we were together, he was paid twice a month, and like clockwork, 3-4 days before payday he was overdrafting his bank account. When he left that job, I took over the finances (a year before we married), and he started just signing over his paychecks to me. When he started bartending, and he would bring home cash, he was always like, "whoa! I'm making so much money!" and just wanted to spend it, because he couldn't think far ahead to say, maybe I shouldn't spend any of this because rent is due in two weeks, and these other bills are coming up... so I started depositing it as quickly as possible. I didn't want to put him on an allowance; I wanted him to learn how to be responsible. So I said he could take out of his earnings what he felt he needed for spending money, but once it was deposited, it was off-limits; but if his spending was affecting our finances and ability to save and pay bills, he would have to cut back. So what does he start doing? He starts hiding money, so he can have rainy day fun money - while my entire paycheck is going into our shared accounts. Well, I found the money and deposited it - boy, did that p!ss him off! And he didn't understand why I was upset, even though I explained it to him very clearly. He insisted that it was an emergency fund for US, in case there was a virus/terrorist attack on the banking system, so we would have readily available cash. If so, why did he feel the need to hide it? He would give his friend a wad of cash, which his friend would then send to STBXH via PayPal, ostensibly so he could buy gifts for me without my knowledge; but most of that money was spent on 1) porn; 2) a sword and other useless crap from ebay; and 3) yet another flat-screen TV we didn't need. He stopped using the PP account over a year ago, but I wouldn't be surprised if he opened a new PP account or was hiding cash somewhere and took it with him when he moved out, considering his history.


14) No longer having to deal with my STBXH's dysfunctional relationship to money. Without his income, things are definitely tight - and I have some big medical bills that are coming due, not to mention the sticker shock I got from my dentist the other day, when I found out how much dental work I needed and how much it was going to cost! (Luckily, the dentist said we can stretch it out across 2013 and 2014 to get the most out of my dental coverage.) But I'll make it work. I might have to take on some freelance editing work, or something else to bring in some extra cash, but I can make it work. And I will have done it all on my own, without a red cent from my STBXH.

And doing the extra freelancing could be a really good thing to help me beef up my savings and have a better safety net for when things come up in the future.

I don't know if I can embed a video on TAM, so here's my theme song for the day:

Destiny's Child - Independent Women Part I - YouTube

The question of my engagement ring hasn't come up yet. I've decided I'm not giving it back. I made a promise to his father that I would give it back if we divorced, but it was HIS SON who broke his vows and is throwing away our marriage, so I'm keeping the damn ring. If he wants it, he can pay me for it. Considering that I never want to wear it again, I might see about selling it. It might cover my dental work, and then some. I've never had it appraised, so maybe I should go do that sometime soon.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I had a great night at work last night. I went there last night feeling a little anxious and down.

I ended up going on break with a bunch of co workers who know about my story so my situation became the topic of conversation.

We discussed, traded stories, and laughed. I felt such support from these people I had no choice but to smile.

It's funny, I started this job in early May, my first job in 25 years. When I applied for it, something told me it was the right place for me to be. I felt like I really needed to work there. It was very strange. Now I know why. The universe works in mysterious ways.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I ordered pizza for dinner last night.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

angstire said:


> I ordered pizza for dinner last night.


Now you get to burn all those calories off. LOL

Extra time on the bike....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> I ordered pizza for dinner last night.


Isn't it nice when you can order the pizza YOU want, instead of having to negotiate with a spouse over toppings, etc.?

Or even... order from the pizza place YOU want, instead of the place they always want to order from?

:smthumbup:


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Plus all the walking the last week!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Damn, now I want pizza.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Damn, now I want pizza.


Me too. Damn you angstire.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm having cheeseburgers and tater tots!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

15) I've lost 15#! It's been a combination of not being able to eat much due to kidney stone issues at the beginning of the month, and anxiety/not wanting to eat while dealing with my STBXH.

Now, before y'all go crazy on me, I haven't been starving myself! I've been making myself eat b/c I know NOT eating is unhealthy, so I am getting enough calories. But b/c I haven't really been hungry, it's made it easy to cut down my portion sizes to what I really need. And I've been making sure to eat healthy (most of the time, anyway). I've also been doing a lot around the house, which I think has been burning a lot of calories.

You know how the hardest part of changing your eating habits is at the very beginning, when you're cutting down your portion sizes, and you're craving everything under the sun, and you've starving all the time, b/c your brain chemistry hasn't adjusted and your stomach hasn't shrunk yet? Well, I got to just skip all over that - it just happened 

This seems to me to be a great jumping off point for further refinement of my eating habits, and adding more daily movement to my routine.

My pants are almost falling off me. It's making me a little giddy


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> 15)
> My pants are almost falling off me. It's making me a little giddy


I had to buy new dress pants for work! Positive indeed.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> I had to buy new dress pants for work! Positive indeed.


Oh, I have a whole closet full of clothes that are 1-2 sizes too small, so I'm ready to break into that.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I've already had to replace my entire summer wardrobe, now I have to start replacing my winter one.

It's one of the better things to come out of this whole mess.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Thx for the positive thread. It's appreciated! And no pizza, but you gave me an idea about where I'm going with girlfriends soon!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I've already had to replace my entire summer wardrobe, now I have to start replacing my winter one.
> 
> It's one of the better things to come out of this whole mess.


Not only did I have to replace my wardrobe due to losing weight, but I took the opportunity to change my style as well. 

What I wear has always been a way to express myself. When I was with my Ex, my wardrobe became very utilitarian and bland, partly due to finances and partly because I didn't feel I deserved better, and I hated how i looked. Now that I am stronger and more confident, I find myself wearing things that have more style and I am not wearing things that I'm hiding behind. I am taking chances and doing things like wearing vintage clothes sometimes. I love to thrift shop, so I wear really nice clothes that cost just as much as frumpy looking stuff bought brand-new. It's a great mood lifter. It's hard to be down and depressed if I'm wearing a skirt and heels to work.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Not only did I have to replace my wardrobe due to losing weight, but I took the opportunity to change my style as well.
> 
> What I wear has always been a way to express myself. When I was with my Ex, my wardrobe became very utilitarian and bland, partly due to finances and partly because I didn't feel I deserved better, and I hated how i looked. Now that I am stronger and more confident, I find myself wearing things that have more style and I am not wearing things that I'm hiding behind. I am taking chances and doing things like wearing vintage clothes sometimes. I love to thrift shop, so I wear really nice clothes that cost just as much as frumpy looking stuff bought brand-new. It's a great mood lifter. It's hard to be down and depressed if I'm wearing a skirt and heels to work.


I know!! I used to hate shopping for clothes but I enjoy it now. I had stopped wearing anything with a revealing of neckline, he wasn't thrilled about me wearing stuff like that. Now I buy what I want. (nothing too, too revealing though. Lol!!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I know!! I used to hate shopping for clothes but I enjoy it now. I had stopped wearing anything with a revealing of neckline, he wasn't thrilled about me wearing stuff like that. Now I buy what I want. (nothing too, too revealing though. Lol!!)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think we need pics of all these new wardrobe changes and hairdos.

PICS! PICS! PICS!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I spent money on a bunch of activities with daughters on education vacation. We had fun. I don't feel guilty about it.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I have always loved shopping, I used to go alot with my H and at first I thought it would be weird going on my own. But I tried going shopping on my own the other week and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. 

I noticed more people and didn't feel lonely, plus I think a few looks from some cute guys helped!  I treated myself to a few things, even new underwear not that I am seeing anyone (not sure when I will feel up to it but I rather take my time) but you know what I have always bought nice underwear not for my H but really for myself. I feel more good about myself in a cute bra and knickers even if no one else sees it, I still know and I just get a confidence boost I think. 

I am still deciding on a colour for my hair, my friend suggested some light brown highlights so still deciding but will post a pic with the final outcome.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Not only did I have to replace my wardrobe due to losing weight, but I took the opportunity to change my style as well.
> 
> What I wear has always been a way to express myself. When I was with my Ex, my wardrobe became very utilitarian and bland, partly due to finances and partly because I didn't feel I deserved better, and I hated how i looked. Now that I am stronger and more confident, I find myself wearing things that have more style and I am not wearing things that I'm hiding behind. I am taking chances and doing things like wearing vintage clothes sometimes. I love to thrift shop, so I wear really nice clothes that cost just as much as frumpy looking stuff bought brand-new. It's a great mood lifter. It's hard to be down and depressed if I'm wearing a skirt and heels to work.


Dressing smartly for work is always a great pick-me-up... especially certain outfits I know will always get a compliment or two!

I also haven't felt the need to shop since my STBXH moved out. I ised to use it as a boost to deal woth the fact that he made me feel bad about myself, but simply not having him around to neglect me gives me a pretty good bump on its own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

angstire said:


> I think we need pics of all these new wardrobe changes and hairdos.
> 
> PICS! PICS! PICS!


OK, I wouldn't normally do this, but I think it's a really good illustration of how the way we look at things can change in differing circumstances. 

My ex told me he wanted to split, for good, a few weeks before our 10th wedding anniversary (and two nights before Thanksgiving, but I digress ). He still wanted us to 'do something' together on our anniversary, but nothing romantic, as it wouldn't be 'appropriate' seeing as he wasn't sure. :BoomSmilie_anim:
He had a studio where he was living and trying to start his photography business. ONe of the things he wanted to do was take some pictures of me. I wore a dress I knew he liked a lot, and he took some. At the time, I posted some on FB and showed my friends. They, knowing what was going on, said I looked calm and strong and they liked that I wasn't looking at him (i.e. at the camera) but looking away from him, looking forward as they saw it. 
Fast forward two years, same month. I took photos of myself as part of my joke before and after photos from being in TAM 'prison' when I was banned for a week. This was about 10 days after I filed (the day before our anniversary), and a few weeks before the D. To me, looking at the two side by side is shocking. That we all thought the 2 year old photo looked so good at the time, and yet when you look at it compared to now, it's just amazing.



















Even though I'd been through hell by the 2nd photo, I looked so much happier than I did in the first one. Yet, before the first one, things had been so bad, that my friends and family had thought _that_ was a good picture, lol. To me, now, I just look so damned sad.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> Even though I'd been through hell by the 2nd photo, I looked so much happier than I did in the first one. Yet, before the first one, things had been so bad, that my friends and family had thought _that_ was a good picture, lol. To me, now, I just look so damned sad.


I can see the difference in your eyes; happy v. sad. Nice and thanks for sharing!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Angel, in that first picture you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. In that second picture you look free and happy.
What an amazing difference!!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Angel, in that first picture you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. In that second picture you look free and happy.
> What an amazing difference!!!


:iagree:

You are an inspiration to me, and you help me to know I can get past this, too. Thanks!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I had a great night at work last night. I went there last night feeling a little anxious and down.
> 
> I ended up going on break with a bunch of co workers who know about my story so my situation became the topic of conversation.
> 
> ...


 Isn't it amazing how some things just come together, that appeared so unrelated not too long ago?


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

I haven't posted in a while, but I see that this thread has taken on a life of its own, which is great!!:smthumbup: I'm happy to hear that people chime in, and I hope that some will find that making a conscious effort to **think** positive will help bring on a healthier and happier attitude, so you can reclaim your life. 

As for me, I got a/the job offer today, a good one. Now I'm preparing for a rough few months. I'm also going on date #2 with the same guy soon. Last, but not least, I talked to the ex for the first time today since the blow-up, and it was normal. More importantly, I was okay. No more tailspins. My sense is that he misses our conversations. The ability to talk to his new GF is limited due to their language barrier. He wants to talk to me again tomorrow. I know he made a mistake, and deep down, he must know it, too. He had our entire home video tapes from those 25 years together digitalized onto DVD. It costs a fortune. At first, I was a bit pertubed, as I was trying to hard to forget it all, and he shoves it under my nose in digital. But really, it was a kind thing to do.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

angel - you do look great! thanks for the before and after. I should dig around for a couple of those. 

I am glad to say that I had a great time at my friend's wedding, got lots of compliments on how good I look, and came back feeling refreshed. i'm busy now moving in and making our house a home. 

even the news that my ex may decide to move to the same small town i just did (to take some space for myself) doesn't upset me as much as it would have a few months ago.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yay, Lucy!!! That's great news!! :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I came across this link today, and while it's not directly related, I found it inspirational, nonetheless:

10 Graduation Speeches That Will Inspire And Move You


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Bike commute in, listened to my summer hip hop mix. Hot and sticky in Twin Cities today, but smiles and sweat all the way in.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ahhh, I sure don't miss the hot and sticky MN summers.

Positive thought: Yay! I live in a place with dry summers, lol.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

MN = Sticky Augusts and subzero Januaries, I like it, but my daughters will likely move away. Oh well, more places to visit.


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## Goofball (Mar 24, 2013)

I love the before and after photos! You look so free and happy! 

If I wasn't a paranoid freak I'd post pics too, I've lost over 50 pounds since March, I exercise and feel great! I haven't seen size 5 pants on me since high school


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Loved the before and after photos AngelPixie, you look so well and much happier!

Had a nice girly evening out with two friends, got dinner and drinks and had a flirt with the waiters. It reminded me that I can still have fun and that all the fun I had was not just because of my H. For all the time I was out I didn't think about my H, not even once!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

<---- My new avatar makes me smile!

I think I subconsciously waited until I was feeling really good about things to create an avatar.

And this post I wrote on my thread yesterday is definitely a positive:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/113450-wtf-going-me-4.html#post4154834

I don't care anymore!!! :rofl:


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> <---- My new avatar makes me smile!


And me. :smthumbup:

Super hero avatars unite!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

working_together said:


> I don't have to hear snoring anymore.
> 
> We get along better now after being apart for a year and a half, we actually have civil conversations.


I snore. Man, I'm screwed.

Oh wait, this is a positive thread, lol!

I get the bed to myself for the rest of my life! Win! 



_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> Super hero avatars unite!


We should have a super hero avatar club


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

angstire said:


> And me. :smthumbup:
> 
> Super hero avatars unite!





FeministInPink said:


> We should have a super hero avatar club


My avatar is very pet-ish but my user name is THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN. He's kind of a super hero in old cartoon terms.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

So, good stuff, but at the expense of the stbxw. Oh well. 

Made banana, choc chip muffins for daughters for breakfast this week. I walk downstairs this morning, ready to start the bellowing about we need to leave or we'll be late and D13 says, "Dad, these are way better than stbxw's. They taste good without all the health food stuff in them." 

I say, "Yes, sugar and butter make stuff taste good." *smirk*


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> My avatar is very pet-ish but my user name is THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN. He's kind of a super hero in old cartoon terms.


OK, then you can be in our club


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> OK, then you can be in our club


Awesome. I promise to act more like a barbarian.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Awesome. I promise to act more like a barbarian.


But a Conan barbarian, please.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

So, more positives. They were playing Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel, this morning due to release of that video and it winning awards in 1986. So, I'm driving into work, early meetings so no bike today, singing along with the window down and I recall video taping the video, so I can show my mom how to cut my hair when I was 16.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> So, more positives. They were playing Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel, this morning due to release of that video and it winning awards in 1986. So, I'm driving into work, early meetings so no bike today, singing along with the window down and I recall video taping the video, so I can show my mom how to cut my hair when I was 16.


Excellent! I had the good fortune to FINALLY see Peter Gabriel in concert during his Back to Front tour last fall. AMAZING, AMAZING show. Hands down, one of my favorite musical artists of all time.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That's funny, Angstire. I've been listening to the So album a lot lately for some reason. Always has been and always will be one of my favorites. And that pic of him on the front cover, still yummy.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

The Replacements are playing Chicago. Positive.

I am not going. Negative.

The Replacements - Can't Hardly Wait - YouTube

That is all.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, man -- Yeah!! The 'Mats are reuniting? 

No, I'm not seeing them, either. Sad face.

The Replacements - Unsatisfied (REMASTERED) - YouTube


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Yep, Riot Fest or some such. It's moving around N Am I think.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Life is good. I'm proud of myself for being someone I like and respect, I've tried to learn from mistakes and not repeat them (done pretty well). I have transporation year around, heat in winter, cool air in summer, shelther over my head, little bit of savings, wonderful wife who would only be with a good man, proud as heck of my three grown boys. My oldest donated bone marrow and saved a woman's life a few years ago. It's a painful thing yet he volunteered to do it again. Luckily another match who hadn't already given was found.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I was at work tonight. When I went on my break my manager was there and had obviously had way too much coffee by then.

So he's talking and talking and we get on the subject of high school and discipline. He's talking very rapidly and he's animated which is pretty funny in and of itself because he's pretty straight laced.

He then blurts out that he graduated high school in 1998. I get this huge grin on my face and he looks at me, stops talking and asks me "what?" I say I was 30 in 1998 - we both burst out laughing.

Its really is nice to laugh like that sometimes!!!


----------



## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

D15 says as she's driving us to school this AM, "Dad, why didn't you become a writer? You have a vivid imagination, good vocab and tell great stories." Positive.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> D15 says as she's driving us to school this AM, "Dad, why didn't you become a writer? You have a vivid imagination, good vocab and tell great stories." Positive.


Did you tell her, because writers make jack sh!t? It's true. But it is something fun to do on the side... if you can find the time.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Did you tell her, because writers make jack sh!t? It's true. But it is something fun to do on the side... if you can find the time.


I did say I get to make more money at marketing and I still write, but not really stuff I love. However, I made up fairy tales for her and her sisters and got paid in hugs. 

But maybe on the side, someday.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> However, I made up fairy tales for her and her sisters and got paid in hugs.


Better than getting paid


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

angstire said:


> However, I made up fairy tales for her and her sisters and got paid in hugs.


Awww. That's really sweet.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

21 videos of the Replacements at Riot Fest in Chicago.
Here's 21 videos of the Replacements at Riot Fest Chicago


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Awesome!! Thanks, angstire. :smthumbup:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So, a week and a half ago, I cut off most of my hair and dyed it red. It was time for a change.

And I've received a ton of compliments on it! Today alone, I've received 3 compliments -- and someone noticed that I've been losing weight, too.

So... yay, me!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> So, a week and a half ago, I cut off most of my hair and dyed it red. It was time for a change.
> 
> And I've received a ton of compliments on it! Today alone, I've received 3 compliments -- and someone noticed that I've been losing weight, too.
> 
> So... yay, me!


Nice! Brave a pic?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

My daughters seem happier than they have in years.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

angstire said:


> My daughters seem happier than they have in years.



That's truly awesome! :smthumbup:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> Nice! Brave a pic?



If I can figure out how. And I'm awful at taking selfies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> If I can figure out how. And I'm awful at taking selfies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


we all are.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Oh, and another positive, I have the StepDs for a sleepover tonight. First time I've seen them since the BBQ.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

angstire said:


> Oh, and another pos, I have the StepDs for a sleepover tonight. First time I've seen them since the BBQ.


I had to do a double-take, angstire -- most of the time on TAM, 'pos' doesn't mean 'positive'. :rofl:


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> I had to do a double-take, angstire -- most of the time on TAM, 'pos' doesn't mean 'positive'. :rofl:


yeah, I went back and fixed it. I noticed that after I hit submit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angstire said:


> Oh, and another positive, I have the StepDs for a sleepover tonight. First time I've seen them since the BBQ.



Yay!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

I can now comfortably fit into jeans with a 32 waist... That's half a foot less than I two years ago.

That meets my first fitness goal of having a waistline equal to or less than my inseam.

:smthumbup:


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Pbartender said:


> I can now comfortably fit into jeans with a 32 waist... That's half a foot less than I two years ago.
> 
> That meets my first fitness goal of having a waistline equal to or less than my inseam.
> 
> :smthumbup:


Nice going. It's always a good feeling to shrink like that.

I'm a size I haven't been since I was 24.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I bought new fitted pants and got a compliment from one of the hot, 20 somethings at work. Iz nice, I like.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> I bought new fitted pants and got a compliment from one of the hot, 20 somethings at work. Iz nice, I like.


 really??? Lol


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> really??? Lol


Really. Biking is good for the legs, and the belly. I work on the top with weights, but nothing says you're looking good at 42 like a 28 year old runner who says, looking good.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I had lemon cake for lunch today. And I'm listening to Led Zep, the Lemon song.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I can listen to my music again, she hated my music. I can sing as loudly as I want without worrying about her judging my awful singing voice.

I can go have a few beers with my buddies without getting the silent treatment, and all hell doesn't break loose if I have a hangover.

I can flirt with as many women as I wish.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Gave my extra inner tube to a guy on the bike trail last night who was stuck with a flat. Bike karma.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Positive thinking: I've lost 20# since all this sh*t started! And I've been making better food choices lately, and I'm really proud of that. The other day, I went to the cafeteria across the street to get lunch; I didn't think about it when I was doing it, but when I got to the register, I realized that I had picked out an uber-healthy lunch for myself. I thought, "Look at you, making such good choices!" I used to debate with myself about whether I would get the healthy food (which I knew I SHOULD eat) or the tempting, unhealthy option. The healthy option is becoming more the default for me now, which is good!

AND I packed my lunch today - go me! (Full disclosure: I panicked when I saw my credit card bill last night. I'm packing my lunch from here on out.)

AND I'm thinking of going out to a karaoke night tonight... karaoke, or clean house? Karaoke is fun and social (meet new people!), but cleaning means packing up more of STBXH's stuff and reclaiming more space for myself, and making my home more pleasant and calm. (Plus, the more cleaning I do tonight and tomorrow means less I'll have to do over the weekend - which I won't actually do, and then feel guilty about it.)

So, what do you think, TAMers? Karaoke or cleaning?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> So, what do you think, TAMers? Karaoke or cleaning?


If like me you find that singing makes you happy - I'd say Karaoke. Your STBXH's crap will still be there another day. 

My STBXW has left some junk about the house that she doesn't want to take, so I'm going to throw it away or sell it. Maybe I'll sell it as I sacrificed so much of my money for her happiness during the relationship.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Karaoke, do that for yourself. Cleaning and packing up can wait until you want to do it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Well, I kind of want to do the cleaning... WWB, his stuff has been sitting around for AGES. (EDIT: I need to reclaim the space and make it mine!)

AND I found a karaoke Meetup Group, and they have something going on every weekend, plus every Thursday... if I clean tonight (and maybe tomorrow), I can go out over the weekend instead. 

Plus, I can't stay out late tonight anyway because I have work tomorrow!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Karaoke. Definitely. If you're doing it with friends, there's probably a limited schedule when you can all get together, or when the place you're going has karaoke. You have to grab those opportunities when they arise.

Cleaning you can do anytime.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Ha, we posted at the same time. That's cool that you have a whole meetup group for karaoke! You got the best possible outcome, I think. You get to do both things. :smthumbup:


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Karaoke. Definitely. If you're doing it with friends, there's probably a limited schedule when you can all get together, or when the place you're going has karaoke. You have to grab those opportunities when they arise.
> 
> Cleaning you can do anytime.


I don't KNOW any of the karaoke people - it's through Meetup, and I've never gone to any of this group's gatherings before. They have meetups 2-3x/week, so there will be lots more opportunities.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I don't KNOW any of the karaoke people - it's through Meetup, and I've never gone to any of this group's gatherings before.


So, go... then you will know them for next time.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi all!

I have not logged on in quite a while, and am happy to see that the thread has taken on a life of its own!! Keep it up. It has helped me, it may as well help someone else out there, too. 

Things have been going extremely well for me, the date perhaps excluded. I'll be moving in four weeks, start my new job in five, and counting down the days to start my new life.

I am on talking terms again with the ex, and can interact with him without getting emotional. The divorce will be finalized once the house has been sold. Our son has developed his independence. Wow, to everything, is all I can say. I had no clue how quickly things would change, for the better, when I started this thread only two months ago.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Seagoat, glad to hear from you!!

Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, that's great!!! Hey the dating can always wait until you get settled in your new place. Maybe now isn't the right time.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Seagoat, glad to hear from you!!
> 
> Sounds like things are going pretty well for you, that's great!!! Hey the dating can always wait until you get settled in your new place. Maybe now isn't the right time.


Hi smallsteps!! Great to hear from you, too! How is everything with you, and how are the kids? My son actually likes my ex's new GF. Oddly enough, this confession came at a time where I found my innner peace again, and I was okay. 

As for the dating, I think you're right. :iagree:No, I know you're right. But it was like a new toy, I wanted to try it out because it was fun. Never really dated in my entire life. I'm sure I made all the mistakes in the book.:scratchhead:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

seagoat said:


> This section of TAM is loaded with gloom and doom, so I thought that perhaps starting a thread where you post at least one positive you had today, or something positive about your separation or divorce. In this kind of situation, it feels good and natural to commiserate. I know, I'm there, too. It is also much harder to see the positives, as they may require some thought and effort in finding them. Perhaps taking a few minutes each day, and compose a brief post about something uplifting will keep the light at the end of the tunnel lit, and in focus.
> 
> Let me go first:
> 
> ...


WOW. Before I even got to "Asperger's" I thought, this sounds EXACTLY like my husband! Routines and all! I hated them too. They were all about him, his wants, his needs, etc. Even the nightly drinking. Remarkable. I was merely... There. LoL! (I'm not insulting people with Asperger's BTW, it just can be really tricky especially if they are undiagnosed). 

I've seen much better days in the past, so I wanted to join this thread and remember how GOOD life is! Thank you for starting this! 

Today I took my daughter and our dog Panda to the park. The whole time I was praying the dog wouldn't poop in the play area (Her nickname is Poo by the way, for very good reason, lol). Then I noticed a wet looking smear on the back of my daughter's pants as she waddled around. Went to check the diaper and got my fingers in it (EW!!!) And it was STILL a better day than what I would have had with my (soon to be ex)husband!

Poo did not Poo. And that was awesome too. 

The good thing about him kicking me out is I get to see my daughter everyday, the way it should be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So there are severe thunderstorm warnings and tornado warnings, but that's OK! Because:

1) I started off the week with Sunday night karaoke with a MeetUp group I recently joined (my first time with this group). Doesn't get better than that! And I couldn't have done that before because my STBXH was such a stick in the mud.

Plus, I got mad kudos for my singing and made some new friends, both from the MeetUp group and from among the random people at the bar. So now, I have plans for Tues and Wed night!

And a couple of guys checked me out at the bar. No one approached me, but I don't care - just knowing that I can still catch a guy's attention is a plus.

2) One of the women in HR asked me if I had a date tonight, because apparently I look really nice today. That's always nice to hear.

EDIT:

3) AND I just realized that there's a new Grey's Anatomy AND Scandal available online! I know what I'm doing tonight


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I missed scandal this week, it was the season premier - I need to watch it!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I missed scandal this week, it was the season premier - I need to watch it!!


We should watch it at the same time and discuss it over IM


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> We should watch it at the same time and discuss it over IM


I don't have the new episode on demand!!! It's a retrospective episode, I'll have to wait.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

seagoat said:


> Hi smallsteps!! Great to hear from you, too! How is everything with you, and how are the kids? My son actually likes my ex's new GF. Oddly enough, this confession came at a time where I found my innner peace again, and I was okay.
> 
> As for the dating, I think you're right. :iagree:No, I know you're right. But it was like a new toy, I wanted to try it out because it was fun. Never really dated in my entire life. I'm sure I made all the mistakes in the book.:scratchhead:


Live and learn Seagoat. You'll get better at it!!

I'm okay and the kids seem to be good, thanks for asking. It's the usual ups and downs.

You're a bigger person than I can be, that's great that you are at a peaceful place in your life and are okay with the son/GF situation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I don't have the new episode on demand!!! It's a retrospective episode, I'll have to wait.


It should be available online, if it's not On Demand. That's how I watch it.


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## hopefulbuthonest (Oct 7, 2013)

I am thankful that I have friends and family who will listen to me and not judge me. In the short time since my wife asked for the separation I have really done some looking within. I see what I like about me and what I don't. Regardless of where my life with my wife goes, I will be the person I dream to be. It will get better!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

In the community choir I recently joined, there's only one man who's younger than me, who's in better shape than me and who isn't married... 

And he's gay.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I bought myself a new hightech, biking pullover for no reason other than I liked the color. I would have struggled with doing that before.


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Another great piece from this excellent positive thinking blog -- really a good one for those (such as me) who have berated themselves for not healing and moving on more quickly and easily:

The Power of Patience: Let Go of Anxiety and Let Things Happen

Patience, grasshopper


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I get my new phone today.  It's not a state-of-the-art smart phone, but it's a reconditioned model that's supposed to be much better than the one I have now. And it only cost me $10 on the StraightTalk website.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Last minute breakfast plans with some of my best friends.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay so my H has been contacting me over the past week and on Tuesday I felt so low and sad. So on the Wednesday I thought screw this, called an expensive hairdressers and that day after work got a wash, cut and blow dry.

I felt so much better after doing that, the next day I was so much more positive going to work with my new hair cut and shiny, glossy hair


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

So today (or technically yesterday, since I'm not posting after midnight), I got a new car! I went to the dealership all by my myself, did all the financing with my credit union all by myself, and I learned to drive stick shift! (That was not all by myself - I did need someone to teach me.)

It's a gently used 2012 Fiat 500 Sport with 17k miles, dark grey, with a sunroof!!! I LOVE IT!!!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Eldest daughter (15) told me last night she loves to listen to me laugh because she likes to hear me happy. It's good when your kids are old enough to love you back and say why.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am happy Auburn beat Texas AM!!! And I am going to watch a theater show 
With my brother!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Still looking for a job, but today I put on a dress, wore make up, I looked really nice and went to fill out an application. Just looking pretty felt really good!! Hope something good comes out of it. Job market is brutal!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Best of luck, ne!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ne9907 said:


> Still looking for a job, but today I put on a dress, wore make up, I looked really nice and went to fill out an application. Just looking pretty felt really good!! Hope something good comes out of it. Job market is brutal!


It seems superficial, but putting an effort into your appearance really DOES make a difference in how you feel!


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

For me, one of the guilty pleasures of moving into a new place is seeing what kind of junk mail the previous tenants were getting.

Last night I found a Victoria's Secret catalog in my mailbox... addressed to "Steven".

 :toast: :rofl:


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

LOL @ Steven:

I don't like to wear much make up, mainly lip gloss and mascara! But guess what????

I want to be a pretty Librarian!!!

So I applied for a library assistant job with the county a while ago and I am in the examination pool! (once I submit my bilingual certificate and copy of transcripts)
Finally some good lead comes my way! (been unemployed for a while)
This is cool because I originally sought my Bachelors in English with the hope of obtaining a Masters in Library Science
Well, there is a long road ahead but I needed a happy event.

YAY!!!!! I am so happy I want to cry...... haha!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

A positive thought for all my fellow TAMers:


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## Incognitoisme2013 (Nov 4, 2013)

I found this site.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Doing some final work of the day, while mein dottirs make dinner and chatting with them about their days; while listening to The Black Keys.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Done!! I moved!! Live in the country of moose and bears now, waiting for the first snow. Will start my new job on Monday. May even date soon, who knows. But either way, I am happier than I have ever been in two decades. I finally arrived, and truly connected with myself.

Happiness is a choice! When you choose it, it shows, and attracts more of the same. The first few steps are completely yours, you will have to make them, even if they feel fake to you initially.

The relocation went faster than I ever imagined. Got the job that I wanted, sold the house in three days, found a great living arrangement for my son, and the pet, left my old job on good terms, found a nice apartment in an area where they are sparse, and handled the stress of moving exceptionally well, even lost a bit of weight. I wouldn't have dared to imagine all of this a year ago, where I was cruising at the brink of a burnout, was bullied at work, had three car accidents, and broke my ankle the day after hurricane Sandy blasted over our home. Shortly after that, I busted my ex. 

Have a great day everyone!! And remember, lemons --> lemonade. Your attitude is the sweetener.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Love it Seagoat, so happy to see you're doing well!!!


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Done!! I moved!! Live in the country of moose and bears now, waiting for the first snow


that sounds absolutely amazing!!!! 

I love the snow! Too bad SoCal doesn't get any snow haha....

I am happy OU plays Baylor tonight!! GO SOONERS!! plus. I think I want to go to a country bar!! I feel like shaking my booty!


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