# MY ex asked me if I am happy and confident...



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

....with the decision I made.

Long story short. We were together for 3 years. She wanted to get married. I was not sure. 

Like an idiot, I caved to pressure, her ultimatum, social and family, my own time clock, even those damn diamond commercials during the holiday. She really is a great woman, most guys would be so lucky. But I just wasn't 100% as we lacked compatibility in key areas.

Regardless, I rationalized it and proposed. But then felt unhappy about it(hence my user name), I told her. She handed the ring back, and moved out. 

It was not my proudest moment at all. I know I was a cad. And not to compare with her pain, but it hurt like hell.

That was about 3 months ago. We have really had minimal contact since.


I am finally living the way I want. Eating right and exercising. Have lost about 15 pounds, leaned down and toned up. We were never on the same page food wise, and it bothered me.

I am doing things I like to do, that we had little in common with.

I am so much more confident now. I am finally becoming the man I always wanted to be. I like being single.

I went out last Sat nite and talked to beautiful women. I finally felt like a man, and not some boy. It was great. But still not really interested in dating or a new relationship yet, or even having sex with anybody else.



So yesterday she sends me that text. 

Am I happy and confident with the decision I made?

I did not want to answer, so I asked her why she is asking.

Her response is, "because I still love you and I am having a hard time giving up on us!!"


I am terrible at these things. I hate so much that I hurt her. She so didn't deserve that. 

What do I say? Do I tell her yes I am happy and confident?

The thing is I feel like my happiness is a work in progress. And confidence is something I am only beginning to really get a hold of. 

I have spent many years of my life feeling unfulfilled, afraid of trying to go after my dreams because I was afraid of failure. Settling in relationships because I let previous rejections erode my confidence and esteem.

So I finally feel good. 


Do I just tell her yes I am happy and confident?

Why do I feel reluctant to just say that?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Perhaps something along the lines of:

"While I don't want to hurt you, I am convinced this was the right decision. I wish you well in finding happiness in your life."

While it may hurt, it is better for her to know that so that she can move on without wondering if you are waiting for her. Stringing her along, even if with the best of intentions, would hurt her more. She deserves the truth.


----------



## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Yes, you tell her. 
What is important right now for you? You look so happy when I read you, just like if you discover yourself. It's all about you, don't feel bad to scream to the world are you feel.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Perhaps something along the lines of:
> 
> "While I don't want to hurt you, I am convinced this was the right decision. I wish you well in finding happiness in your life."
> 
> While it may hurt, it is better for her to know that so that she can move on without wondering if you are waiting for her. Stringing her along, even if with the best of intentions, would hurt her more. She deserves the truth.


Hmm...that sounds good, simple and honest.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

growtogether said:


> Yes, you tell her.
> What is important right now for you? You look so happy when I read you, just like if you discover yourself. It's all about you, don't feel bad to scream to the world are you feel.


Thanks!


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Tell her how you feel...but understand, she wasn't the one holding you back from eating right and toning up and feeling confident. That was all on you to take care of for yourself during the relationship, just like it is all on you to take care now that you are not in the relationship.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How about something like:

Dear X,
I know my actions 3 months ago were hard on you and I will always carry the burden of knowing I hurt you but I am convinced this was the right decision for both of us in the long run.

I couldn't tolerate the thought of hurting you even more deeply had we gone through with the wedding while I had any kind of doubts.

While I am not where I want to be yet with my life, I know I have taken positive steps to move in that direction and I hope and pray that you too are working on finding the happiness and fulfillment you need in your life.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Perhaps something along the lines of:
> 
> "While I don't want to hurt you, I am convinced this was the right decision. I wish you well in finding happiness in your life."
> 
> While it may hurt, it is better for her to know that so that she can move on without wondering if you are waiting for her. Stringing her along, even if with the best of intentions, would hurt her more. She deserves the truth.


:iagree: 

Giving her closure and keeping it short and to the point is the way to go.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Toffer said:


> How about something like:
> 
> Dear X,
> I know my actions 3 months ago were hard on you and I will always carry the burden of knowing I hurt you but I am convinced this was the right decision for both of us in the long run.
> ...


That was really good. Thanks.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

swedish said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Giving her closure and keeping it short and to the point is the way to go.


It helps put it in perspective for me to realize that closure is what she wants.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It seems to me you were never really in love with her. Believe me if you were you’d never have let her go. Real love just doesn’t come along that often and you do know it when it’s there.

If you tell her that you are truly sorry, that she’s a wonderful person but you recognised you weren’t in love with her then while she wont like it she will more than likely understand.

If that’s the truth of it then I say tell her. She’ll be able to close that chapter on her life then and look to open a new one. Maybe even a new book.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DEFINITELY tell her. Omg. If you don't tell her that you are happy and wish her the best, she will hold on to this weird hope to get you back and it will postpone her moving on.

i know from experience.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Nothing worse than to not know. Be decent and honest.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

you need to tell her man so she can move on its a good thing you called the marriage off or rather she did once you told her how you felt. The last thing you would want to do is enter a marriage in which you two are not truly in love or at least one of you and than have problems years down the road that turn your life upside and make your life hell and cause depression and anger among other feelings. The last thing you want is to be in a failed marriage and feel trapped by the paper it will affect your quality of life and your happiness.


Marry someone when you two are both truly in love and you truly see into each other (i know lame) but really do that. You should both be dying for a life together and you need to be on board more than 100% as does she.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you finally feel like a man. Well.. so now you need to act like a man and tell her the truth of how you feel.. and be kind when you do so.

Others have given you good words to use so I won't repeat it.

Someone else made a very good point above, that the issues that you brought up such as incompatability in the area of food, not exercising, weight loss, etc. Those are not things that she caused. You are the source of all of that. So why can you only do it now that you are not with her? Why did you hold yourself back when you were with her?


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> you need to tell her man so she can move on its a good thing you called the marriage off or rather she did once you told her how you felt. The last thing you would want to do is enter a marriage in which you two are not truly in love or at least one of you and than have problems years down the road that turn your life upside and make your life hell and cause depression and anger among other feelings. The last thing you want is to be in a failed marriage and feel trapped by the paper it will affect your quality of life and your happiness.
> 
> 
> Marry someone when you two are both truly in love and you truly see into each other (i know lame) but really do that. You should both be dying for a life together and you need to be on board more than 100% as does she.


Thanks.


----------

