# Dating a cancer patient who… blew me off?!



## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?back to normal soon. In all the times we cuddled, it was obvi he never once even got hard. Also on an antidepressant. In the midst of this, he invited me to a monster truck rally w/his son & son’s friend (he’s divorced), it was on New Year’s Day and then I stayed the whole next day, he cooked for us.

Then his last chemo started. I visited him almost every single day he was hospitalized, even when I had my daughter (I’m also divorced) & had to get a friend to watch her for an hour. I’d just hold his hand and do whatever he needed. Since he came home from the hospital this last time, he’s been so frail, nauseous, in a fog. Told me he’d snapped at his son and felt bad, and then his son was like “you gonna just go home and lay in bed which is all you ever do?” He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered.
After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can totally spend time w her at some point… I’d just want to be able to tell her clearly who you are & not introduce you ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! Only after reaching out to him the next day did I finally get an answer (over text, he didn’t return my call): “Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”
I responded “I thought I’d been super giving, not sure why you’d say I ‘need a lot.’ I was happy just to hang out with you, which you clearly wish to discard.” He was like “not true, I’d never discard that, you’re very giving… I’m sorry you’re reacting angrily here, I’m doing my best.” I just replied this really isn’t a convo we should have over text, and that was it.
***?? I never required anything from him. Never even said anything when he didn’t text me once over multiple days. And suddenly it’s too much that I reference meeting my daughter “at some point” when he’s already asked me to hang w his son on multiple occasions?? Just bc I stated my boundaries that I’d want things to be “more than friends” between us before I would introduce my daughter?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Do you understand that do to his cancer and treatment his moods and outlook on life are completely out of kilter?


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Do you understand that do to his cancer and treatment his moods and outlook on life are completely out of kilter?


I would’ve understood if he never wanted to start dating at all… and certainly if he didn’t want to take the huge step of having me spend time w his son on multiple occasions. But after almost 2 months, all I do is explain that he can meet my daughter at some point but I just want things to be more than just friends before that would happen (my standard for my child), and that causes him to completely blow me off? Seems so random and wtf.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Stop contacting him. He's obviously not a stable person at this juncture in his life. Don't take it personally.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My dad went through chemo. He wasn't in the mood for anything. He didn't have the energy to see anybody. 

I think you made a mistake trying to date someone who is going through chemo. It's such a hard treatment. 

It also depends what his prognosis is. What if the treatment doesn't work? A cancer diagnosis is just terrible. 

It's better to go separate ways now. You can meet someone else who is available to give and receive the way you deserve.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Less than two months? No. Too soon with all he’s going through to talk about him meeting your daughter at some point when you’re more than friends. Obviously he didn’t feel the same way about you meeting his son early and apparently sees that as not a big deal. He may not be what you’re looking for.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Less than two months? No. Too soon with all he’s going through to talk about him meeting your daughter at some point when you’re more than friends. Obviously he didn’t feel the same way about you meeting his son early and apparently sees that as not a big deal. He may not be what you’re looking for.


That’s my point. The only reason I brought my daughter up was because he asked me to meet his son SO early (after a couple dates) that I wondered if he’d start to question why I never offered to introduce him to her in return. Double standard…


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> That’s my point. The only reason I brought my daughter up was because he asked me to meet his son SO early (after a couple dates) that I wondered if he’d start to question why I never offered to introduce him to her in return. Double standard…


He obviously didn’t feel the same way about you meeting his son so early as you do about him meeting your daughter. Many people wait six months or longer before introducing their children but he’s not one who does. If he didn’t ask about her, no reason to explain all of that just yet.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I would’ve understood if he never wanted to start dating at all… and certainly if he didn’t want to take the huge step of having me spend time w his son on multiple occasions. But after almost 2 months, all I do is explain that he can meet my daughter at some point but I just want things to be more than just friends before that would happen (my standard for my child), and that causes him to completely blow me off? Seems so random and wtf.


Do yourself a favor, and stop making it about you, because really it's not about you and your hurt pride. It's really about him at this junction in his life not being able to physically and emotionally to deal with anything, including you. He's probably too sick to pretend to care for anything right now.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

But it was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

This man has cancer and you're bent out of shape that he's not doing what you want???

You lost me when you were complaining about your day to someone who has cancer. You obviously do not get it.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It was a bit mistake on his part thinking he was in any way ready to date. He isn't. My Sister in law is going through all this right now and it's so tough physically and mentally.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

sideways said:


> This man has cancer and you're bent out of shape that he's not doing what you want???
> 
> You lost me when you were complaining about your day to someone who has cancer. You obviously do not get it.....


It’s his last chemo round so In theory he can be back at work in a month. Though he’s already gone back on that and now tells me he doesn’t even think he’ll be up for that any time remotely soon


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Curious, when he asked you out, did you know his health status? And did this cause you to say yes, so you wouldn't feel bad about rejecting a guy battling cancer?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> But it was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch!


With each round of chemo, it gets worse for the patient. Have a heart! And, pray that you never have to go through it.

You also had a choice to not date a cancer patient. Own your choice.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

give the poor guy a break!
Call him in a couple months and see how he feels THEN


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

What kind of cancer did he have?

IF it was cancer of the prostate then he is just starting to discover what kind of deeply personal issues that he is going to have to learn to deal with.

Most definitely NOT something you are going to be discussing with someone that you're just starting to date.

His brain is what made him want to date you. Sadly, his body now is different. Something he is just finding out is different in what ways, and how to deal with it.

Doctors will hold out hope, sometimes false, saying "Just give it a couple of years and see how it goes". That's where his head is. Maybe.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

He's literally fighting for his life so alot of emotions are going through his mind. It's also possible he might not be getting great news regarding his prognosis. If he's fighting prostate cancer he might be facing the possibility of not being able to have sex in the future. He's probably dealing with a great deal of depression as well due to his current health status.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> It’s his last chemo round so In theory he can be back at work in a month. Though he’s already gone back on that and now tells me he doesn’t even think he’ll be up for that any time remotely soon


So your kindness towards him came with strings attached. He needed to respond and do things the way you wanted him to. Again a man who's going through cancer for crying out loud. 

You think him going back to work means his battle is over?? His mind is ALL over the place.

THIS.IS.NOT.ABOUT.YOU but you will continue to make it about you.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Perhaps the prognosis isn't good and he does not want to be introduced to a child he does not know if he'll be around for? 
I'm quite sure this guy will be all over the place in his thoughts and feelings, and he's perfectly entitled to be with what he is going through. There could be a myriad of valid reasons, and plenty that make no sense, and that has to be ok. It's his journey with his battle with cancer.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?back to normal soon. In all the times we cuddled, it was obvi he never once even got hard. Also on an antidepressant. In the midst of this, he invited me to a monster truck rally w/his son & son’s friend (he’s divorced), it was on New Year’s Day and then I stayed the whole next day, he cooked for us.
> 
> Then his last chemo started. I visited him almost every single day he was hospitalized, even when I had my daughter (I’m also divorced) & had to get a friend to watch her for an hour. I’d just hold his hand and do whatever he needed. Since he came home from the hospital this last time, he’s been so frail, nauseous, in a fog. Told me he’d snapped at his son and felt bad, and then his son was like “you gonna just go home and lay in bed which is all you ever do?” He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered.
> After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can totally spend time w her at some point… I’d just want to be able to tell her clearly who you are & not introduce you ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! Only after reaching out to him the next day did I finally get an answer (over text, he didn’t return my call): “Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”
> ...


As a cancer survivor, I can empathize with him. What he was telling you is that because of treatment he feels he isn't able to sexually please a woman. So he is "releasing" you. I will tell you he is greatly depressed because of this. You dont' state what type cancer he had, but prostate removal and maybe hormone suppression can just kill his abilities to perform PIV for an undetermined period of time. He wasn't rejecting you in any way. He is trying to be kind to you.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?back to normal soon. In all the times we cuddled, it was obvi he never once even got hard. Also on an antidepressant. In the midst of this, he invited me to a monster truck rally w/his son & son’s friend (he’s divorced), it was on New Year’s Day and then I stayed the whole next day, he cooked for us.
> 
> Then his last chemo started. I visited him almost every single day he was hospitalized, even when I had my daughter (I’m also divorced) & had to get a friend to watch her for an hour. I’d just hold his hand and do whatever he needed. Since he came home from the hospital this last time, he’s been so frail, nauseous, in a fog. Told me he’d snapped at his son and felt bad, and then his son was like “you gonna just go home and lay in bed which is all you ever do?” He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered.
> After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can totally spend time w her at some point… I’d just want to be able to tell her clearly who you are & not introduce you ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! Only after reaching out to him the next day did I finally get an answer (over text, he didn’t return my call): “Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”
> ...


I was in a serious relationship when I found out I had cancer, and then when I wen through treatment. Both radiation and chemo were brutal. 

One day when I was starting to get a little bit of energy-- very little, I too was in bed all day most days-- we took our kids to a park. She told me I had been mean and not showing any love to her at all. I was floored. I had no idea. I talked to my therapist who said my body and brain are in survival mode and you do not have the energy for the normal emotional connection. Frankly, I never felt the same toward her, and broke up with her a few weeks later. I wasn't mad, something shifted though and it happened that day at the park. Having cancer is truly draining.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

I did not think about the prostrate cancer piece as much as you all have mentioned bc he sorta minimized it, like “I’ll be back to normal soon”… but maybe it’s not just the combo of the intense chemo and being on an antidepressant, maybe there will be long term issues w him not being able to satisfy me sexually? In any case I was truly demonstrating that I needed so little that I’m insulted he would be the one to blow me off and stop contacting me when I was seeming patient about everything. And he’s now done w his last chemo! Even though alluding to still not being ready to go back to work in one more month bc of how bad he feels


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> That’s my point. The only reason I brought my daughter up was because he asked me to meet his son SO early (after a couple dates) that I wondered if he’d start to question why I never offered to introduce him to her in return. Double standard…


I think the you need too much isn't about the physical. He doesn't want to formalize like boyfriend / girlfriend he does want to be the random friend.

He may also be self projecting his own insecurities about complete lack of sexuality right now.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I did not think about the prostrate cancer piece as much as you all have mentioned bc he sorta minimized it, like “I’ll be back to normal soon”… but maybe it’s not just the combo of the intense chemo and being on an antidepressant, maybe there will be long term issues w him not being able to satisfy me sexually? In any case I was truly demonstrating that I needed so little that I’m insulted he would be the one to blow me off and stop contacting me when I was seeming patient about everything. And he’s now done w his last chemo! Even though alluding to still not being ready to go back to work in one more month bc of how bad he feels


Also there are those that will 'date' while they are sick. Drain you of your compassion and the company and blow you off when they are better.


Not sure what's going on with him but what are you getting out of this relationship?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I just buried my father 10 months after diagnosis. He had both chemotherapy and radiation. After a few treatments he became someone that was a shadow of the man I knew. You are expecting way too much and seemingly lack empathy (even more than myself). I suggest you drop him for both his sake and yours.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I just buried my father 10 months after diagnosis. He had both chemotherapy and radiation. After a few treatments he became someone that was a shadow of the man I knew. You are expecting way too much and seemingly lack empathy (even more than myself). I suggest you drop him for both his sake and yours.


I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> I just buried my father 10 months after diagnosis. He had both chemotherapy and radiation. After a few treatments he became someone that was a shadow of the man I knew. You are expecting way too much and seemingly lack empathy (even more than myself). I suggest you drop him for both his sake and yours.


So sorry to hear. My condolences.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I just buried my father 10 months after diagnosis. He had both chemotherapy and radiation. After a few treatments he became someone that was a shadow of the man I knew. You are expecting way too much and seemingly lack empathy (even more than myself). I suggest you drop him for both his sake and yours.


I’m sorry for your loss. Cancer is brutal.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I did not think about the prostrate cancer piece as much as you all have mentioned bc he sorta minimized it, like “I’ll be back to normal soon”… but maybe it’s not just the combo of the intense chemo and being on an antidepressant, maybe there will be long term issues w him not being able to satisfy me sexually? In any case I was truly demonstrating that I needed so little that I’m insulted he would be the one to blow me off and stop contacting me when I was seeming patient about everything. And he’s now done w his last chemo! Even though alluding to still not being ready to go back to work in one more month bc of how bad he feels


You're "insulted" that he blew you off???

I'm going to say this again because this just is NOT sinking in to your brain. Can you.....for one second....TRY to imagine what he's going through? What he's battling?

Take the FOCUS OFF OF YOU because this is NOT about you.

You say you've been "patient" with him??

Why don't you try to have some compassion for the man!! 

You are CLUELESS what thoughts are swirling around in his mind. It does NOT matter if he's already had the surgery and finished chemo. It does NOT matter if he's going back to work. Lady this man's life isn't back to normal. 

You're SO concerned about yourself and your needs and it's very clear you have no compassion nor are you patient. He's done himself a HUGE favor moving on without you because the last thing he needs is a needy self-centered woman around him when he's in a battle for his life.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!


Your mistake is in expecting to get any of your needs met by someone who is in survival mode. His thoughts for the future are how and IF he is going to live. He has nothing to give, nor should he. All his energy has to go to fighting for his life! It’s not a time for thinking about a new relationship.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My father died of lung cancer 3 months after diagnosis, exactly 5 years ago. It's brutal. Stop making this about you. He's changed his mind. So be it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!


Ok your the good girl and the cancer patient staring death in the face, seeing end of life as he knew it is the bad guy. Full stop. Just move on with your life and stay away from cancer patients. Leave him to live what he has left.

And pray you never have to experience life from his side. And if you do, pray that you dont encounter someone like yourself


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Doesn’t sound like he wanted to think beyond friendship and that could be for many reasons. Maybe after he recovers. Maybe not. But he’s not ready under the present circumstances and bringing up meeting your daughter made him realize you are moving things along more quickly than he wants.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> Kansasbbq10 said:
> 
> 
> > _*I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!*_


For the record, it's "prostate," not "prostrate."

I just wanted to say that you barely knew this guy and you were acting like he was your longtime spouse, always being there for his chemo treatments and sitting in the hospital and giving him 110% every night. I think it's kind what you did, but it was way too much for a newly started relationship.

And you talk about loving on his son every night in the hospital and what not and it's just way too much, way too soon on your part. He's an idiot, most people wait a while (like you did) before they bring their kids into it. 

And honestly, I think he was looking for some extra support while he endured the last of his treatments and now that he's accomplished that, he's backing off. Maybe it's a compromised state of mind causing him to back of and maybe it's not, but I *suspect* he finds you to be a bit too clingy and a bit too needy and that's why he's backing off.

Just my .2 cents of course.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!


It sounds to me like your empathy and meeting his needs without asking for anything in return was more of a "covert contract" from you, because you clearly expected something back from him for it. If it was a GIFT from you, I don't think his response would have bothered you the way it does.

There is nothing wrong with expecting something back from someone when you do nice things, but that usually leads to disappointment because most people aren't going to respond the way we want...especially people who are fighting a debilitating disease that could kill them.

I think the best idea is that you move on and find someone who will be a more equal partner to you. This man may have only wanted friendship from you, while it sounds like you were hoping for more.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Doesn’t sound like he wanted to think beyond friendship and that could be for many reasons. Maybe after he recovers. Maybe not. But he’s not ready under the present circumstances and bringing up meeting your daughter made him realize you are moving things along more quickly than he wants.


I don't think it was the daughter. It was the "I don't want to introduce you as an ambiguous friend....."

I think he doesn't want to define the relationship. Which could be due to the cancer, could be due to his failing masculinity... or could be he's one of those commitment phobes who would have sex with you but worry about defining the relationship.

Either way, these two don't seem suited to each other.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think it was the daughter. It was the "I don't want to introduce you as an ambiguous friend....."
> I think he doesn't want to define the relationship.


there was zero pressure in my statement- just that he could meet her at some point but when that happens, I’d want him not to just be a “friend.” Stating my boundaries and clarifying why I haven’t taken the introducing-child step like he did. There was some girl he dated for a long time and his son referenced her to me as “one of our other friends” and it just gave me this weird commitment phobe vibe, so I wanted to gauge his reaction to ever being more than friends. But I have to say I’m shocked he would completely blow me off now! I never asked for anything else not even calling him out when he forgot to give me my Xmas gift 5 times.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> there was zero pressure in my statement- just that he could meet her at some point but when that happens, I’d want him not to just be a “friend.” Stating my boundaries and clarifying why I haven’t taken the introducing-child step like he did. There was some girl he dated for a long time and his son referenced her to me as “one of our other friends” and it just gave me this weird commitment phobe vibe, so I wanted to gauge his reaction to ever being more than friends. But I have to say I’m shocked he would completely blow me off now! I never asked for anything else not even calling him out when he forgot to give me my Xmas gift 5 times.


He’s simply not for you the ‘other friend’ is a clue he is a commitment phone. She may also still be in the picture. 

move on.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> never asked for anything else not even calling him out when he forgot to give me my Xmas gift 5 times.


You did ask, you may not have voiced it, but you did ask. The fact you even mentally noted that 'he forgot to give you your Xmas gift 5 times'.... 

I agree with other posters, you seem to want more from this man than he is capable of giving you. He's done the kind thing and let you go.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> But it was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch!


You didn't have to spend time with his child. That was your choice.

And for the future, don't expect much from men who are going through stuff, it could be medical, marital, financial, etc. Those kind of men are not ready to give what you are looking for. 

He made a mistake by kinda making you believe he was on that same page as you. And he might have had, but then changed his mind. Who knows what really went through his mind. 

It's better for you to drop the subject and the guy, and move on with your life.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I never asked for anything else not even calling him out when he forgot to give me my Xmas gift 5 times.


The thing is he forgot, but you don't forget or forgive. 

Who cares about a stupid Christmas gift! 

Celebrate the gift of having a healthy life!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think the you need too much isn't about the physical. He doesn't want to formalize like boyfriend / girlfriend he does want to be the random friend.
> 
> He may also be self projecting his own insecurities about complete lack of sexuality right now.


Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants because he really is too physically beaten down to put a lot of energy into OP at the moment.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants because he really is too physically beaten down to put a lot of energy into OP at the moment.


Which would also mean they aren't suited for each other. He is the one that asked her out during his cancer treatment. It isn't like the OP held him down and made him ask her out. 

How do you explain the previous 'friend'. If you are dating someone long term and they are still a friend and not a girlfriend that isn't cancer.

OP how old is this son we are talking about.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I actually think I have lots of empathy considering I really was getting no needs met and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!


But at the same time you were wanting more and resentful and even though you didn't say that, it is felt. And, again, as someone who has been the 'sick' one in a similar situation, there is no energy to devote to your being insulted or whatever other little complaints you are holding back.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely


ok dude. get cancer to understand this. it's a life changer. this kind of petty nonsense is a waste of time when you are really going through it. move on please.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely


Yes that is what some are implying.

And I can see why you are upset. I can see why you want to defend yourself.

I don't view it that way. But here's the thing....

The result is the same. You should drop him and move on. You were very nice to help him through his hospital stay. He's a dead end for what ever reason. Don't waste more of your energy on him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely


No one said you're worthless. And you spent some friendly time with a person you met. It didn't work out. Two months is a very short time in this scenario.

But really, you should just wish the person well, and move on. The big C, and chemo/treatment takes on a life all it's own.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No one, regardless of what is being said is implying that you are worthless. YOU are making that assumption.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

You’re not worthless, AT ALL. But you are trying to get blood from a stone.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When a person is going through something this big, they are overwhelmed with it. They don't have anything left over for anyone else. He even told you he's having trouble maintaining with his own family. He doesn't have the capacity to take anything on right now. He is already handling more than he can handle. Surely you can understand that. If not, you've never been sick or overwhelmed before.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


Now you're starting to sound like one of those relentless pit bulls that once they bite they won't let go. 

Get a grip of yourself.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


For HIM, obviously yes it did.

It's better for YOU if you accept that and move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


Yes. He does not have the capacity for this complication that requires energy in his life right now. He is running on empty.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


I am getting flashbacks, and they are not pleasant. I hope he recovers fully at some point, as I was lucky enough to have done. This thread is making me remember all too well what that time in my life felt like physically.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I am getting flashbacks, and they are not pleasant. I hope he recovers fully at some point, as I was lucky enough to have done. This thread is making me remember all too well what that time in my life felt like physically.


I’m very sorry for what you went through. If that were this man then he never needed to get romantically involved w me and for God’s sake involve his son, only to totally and completely blow me off when I even mentioned meeting my daughter in future.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


Yes, it does. Read some of the threads here from loyal spouses whose partner went out and screwed someone else. It's not about being sick or overwhelmed. It's about human nature. Maybe he's selfish, cancer or not. Maybe he's clueless. Maybe he just doesn't give a damn.

Whatever his motivation, this is oftentimes how humans behave. I'm not making excuses for him. It's just the human condition.

Just let it go and take solace in the fact that you gave to someone, got nothing in return, and decided to take the high road and let it go.

P.S. - I've experienced something similar to this, but on a far worse scale. I could spend my time being ticked off and blown away about it, but I decided I'd rather get on with the business of living - and enjoying - MY life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you apparently weren’t compatible. Be glad you found it out very early on before there was a bigger investment of time and energy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> It’s his last chemo round so In theory he can be back at work in a month. Though he’s already gone back on that and now tells me he doesn’t even think he’ll be up for that any time remotely soon





Kansasbbq10 said:


> I actually think I have lots of empathy considering *I really was getting no needs met* and yet kept giving never criticizing and actually still told him I’d like him to meet me daughter at some point and be more than a friend (despite how little he actually offers)!





Kansasbbq10 said:


> there was zero pressure in my statement- just that he could meet her at some point but when that happens, I’d want him not to just be a “friend.” Stating my boundaries and clarifying why I haven’t taken the introducing-child step like he did. There was some girl he dated for a long time and his son referenced her to me as “one of our other friends” and it just gave me this weird commitment phobe vibe, so I wanted to gauge his reaction to ever being more than friends. But I have to say I’m shocked he would completely blow me off now! I never asked for anything else *not even calling him out when he forgot to give me my Xmas gift 5 times*.


I literally cannot believe what I just read. Are you freaking serious OP?? He has CANCER. He was undergoing CHEMO. Chemo knocks the wind out of anyone. He is literally fighting for his life ffs.

Chemo literally ate my darling dad away. The last round he had, he never recovered from. He was a skeleton when he passed.

You have no clue. No empathy. No compassion. 

Wow.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Anastasia6 said:


> Which would also mean they aren't suited for each other. He is the one that asked her out during his cancer treatment. It isn't like the OP held him down and made him ask her out.
> 
> *How do you explain the previous 'friend*'. If you are dating someone long term and they are still a friend and not a girlfriend that isn't cancer.
> 
> OP how old is this son we are talking about.


He introduced potential or new girlfriends as his friend, simple. Lots of dating people do it.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> The two of you apparently weren’t compatible. Be glad you found it out very early on before there was a bigger investment of time and energy.


Yet all the other posters are saying how, on account of his cancer and chemo, he can’t possibly be expected to have a relationship or date someone new (even though he pursued me). So is it that or it’s just me/our “compatibility”? Can’t be both.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Also, I think it’s extraordinarily unfair that he could introduce me to his son so early, ask me to pick him up so he could get rims on his car tires, etc… yet when I mention meeting my daughter at some point when we aren’t just friends, he totally bolts??


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Good God, lady, have some compassion. The man has cancer, he's overwhelmed, cut him some slack!

What is your problem? Did you give him some bedside blowies or something? Be Elsa, Let. It. Go!


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## Justsurviving85 (Nov 8, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Do you understand that do to his cancer and treatment his moods and outlook on life are completely out of kilter?


Agree 110%. My wife is going through it now and it’s DEFINITELY a life changing fight for everyone close to the person with cancer.
I would have handled things differently I hope but can actually understand his thought process. The feeling that due to the sickness he can’t really make her happy. You can tell him a thousand times you are completely happy but rarely will that sink in. 
As you said many times depending on several factors a person’s entire thought process is rewired. We all have to remember these patients have just spent a few months having a very strong poison put into their body. Things will change


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Justsurviving85 said:


> I would have handled things differently I hope but can actually understand his thought process. The feeling that due to the sickness he can’t really make her happy. You can tell him a thousand times you are completely happy but rarely will that sink in.


SO sorry to hear about your wife!!
I see what you mean, but when I’m mentioning that he can meet my daughter at some point, just want things to be more than just friends between us before that’d happen, I’m clearly implying I’m very happy with him. At the very least, why would he completely blow me off over this, saying I need more than he can give, when HE had me spending a bunch of time with his son starting a few weeks in?!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Lol, let’s just summarize, I’m so worthless that even after giving endlessly to someone for almost 2 months and asking for nothing in return, once I actually “asked for” anything- only that he could eventually meet my daughter once we were not just ambiguous “friends”- he drops me completely


"Worthless"? No.

Clueless. YES!

The more you spew the more I can see why he bolted.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I am reasonably sure that the negative vibes the posters on here are getting are the same vibes he got....and he wanted no part of it...and we don't even know you...

Being nice shouldn't be transactional, particularly under the conditions (that you were fully aware of)...

Yes, it was kind....we all do kind things...He changed his mind.. Maybe it was the cancer, or maybe he was feeling a noose around his neck...Whatever the case, cut a break here and realize it wasn't meant to be...


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I re-read your original post. It sounds like when this started neither of you had a clue what to expect. You wrote that he 'just had a few rounds of chemo left'. As other posters have written, that 'just a few rounds of chemo' get progressively tougher. It sounds like neither you understood this; either him back then then when he began accepting your love and support or you now that the effects of it are known and he's made another choice.

For whatever reason, he has chosen he does not want more from you now, even though he welcomed it at the time. Anyone is free to make that choice at whatever time they choose when dating. It's sad when it happens for many reasons and more sad when it happens due to uncontrollable circumstances. Either way, it has and you have to show more respect for his decision. He owes you nothing, no matter how kind and thoughtful you think you were being. He is not obligated to you in any way at all. Accept it, respect it and move on.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Justsurviving85 said:


> Agree 110%. My wife is going through it now and it’s DEFINITELY a life changing fight for everyone close to the person with cancer.
> I would have handled things differently I hope but can actually understand his thought process. The feeling that due to the sickness he can’t really make her happy. You can tell him a thousand times you are completely happy but rarely will that sink in.
> As you said many times depending on several factors a person’s entire thought process is rewired. We all have to remember these patients have just spent a few months having a very strong poison put into their body. Things will change


Yes hopefully he will recover and become himself fully again. I am sure right now he really doesn't have a thought process. Thinking is exhausting, and there is this thing called chemo fog--- they actually told me not to make any big/important decisions while I was undergoing treatment. The chemo is probably why he forgot to give her the Christmas present "5 times!!". 

At one point I was down to 119 pounds and had to be hospitalized. I could not eat. They put a feeding tube in just to get the calories in me. 

For me, I was dating my gf when I found out I had cancer. She was an angel, but she could not handle "not getting her needs met". No, she didnt talk about it much, or at all really. But it was there and I was literally in bed all day, and the weight of the relationship, the pressure I felt, was really too much to bear at that time. I had to break up with her and I did, for my own survival. If she could have truly been ok with me not being myself-- like really I was NOT the same person-- for a long time, it would have worked out. I could not negotiate the physical decay and beating and the relationship as it was though. I do not blame her for whatever she felt there just was nothing i could do. 

Honestly it was like 18 months before i was even really close to normal-- and actually in that time frame the cancer showed up again, this time in my lungs. 

So anyway, OP has a really bad look going on here. He is dealing with life and death and she is worried about whether or not he should have met her daughter, and other such non-relevant tit-tat.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> So anyway, OP has a really bad look going on here. He is dealing with life and death and she is worried about whether or not he should have met her daughter, and other such non-relevant tit-tat.


I am so sorry for what you’re going through!
I actually thought mentioning that I’d like him to meet my daughter someday and be more than a friend reinforced that I sincerely liked and was interested in him exactly how he was, that he was good enough. And why is it so much pressure when he did that with me and his son very early on?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> I am so sorry for what you’re going through!
> I actually thought mentioning that I’d like him to meet my daughter someday and be more than a friend reinforced that I sincerely liked and was interested in him exactly how he was, that he was good enough. And why is it so much pressure when he did that with me and his son very early on?


He does not want to be more than a friend is the obvious answer. I'm sorry that is disappointing for you. It's over, move on.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

harperlee said:


> He does not want to be more than a friend is the obvious answer. I'm sorry that is disappointing for you. It's over, move on.


Not sure it’s that simple when he was the one wanting me to spend lots of time with his son, and asking me to stay over, cuddling, holding my hand even though it was super obvious he couldn’t even get hard… I don’t see why this is about me personally rather just needing time to recover


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Not sure it’s that simple when he was the one wanting me to spend lots of time with his son, and asking me to stay over, cuddling, holding my hand even though it was super obvious he couldn’t even get hard… I don’t see why this is about me personally rather just needing time to recover


Maybe he's a user. Maybe he only wanted to take advantage of you. This is another reason to just let him go. 

Two months is not enough time to really get to know someone, and people can change their minds overnight. 

Think about it, you really dodged a bullet.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> SO sorry to hear about your wife!!
> I see what you mean, *but when I’m mentioning that he can meet my daughter at some point, just want things to be more than just friends between us before that’d happen, I’m clearly implying I’m very happy with him. At the very least, why would he completely blow me off over this*, saying I need more than he can give, when HE had me spending a bunch of time with his son starting a few weeks in?!


Because he's frightened. He is literally trying to get through each day. Day by day, sometimes, in the thick of it, hour by hour. He CAN'T think about the future because he doesn't know if he has one, it's simply too frightening.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Chemo has awful side effects. I wouldn't expect anything from someone having to go through the emotional and physical ringer right now. Your thread title might be misleading and perhaps I'm over reaching but it reads as though you think he has some cheek to reject you when he is a cancer patient. That sort of entitlement might not be something you are saying out loud with words, but people are aware of a lot from a person's body language. He doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. That could be part of the reason. But frankly having seen someone close to me go through chemo this year it is truly grueling. My dad didn't have the strength to leave bed a lot of the time let alone venture out of his house. Doesn't seem like this guy would have the energy to keep up new friendships or put in the time to build anything new. The guy is going through a lot right now.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> You have no clue. No empathy. No compassion.
> 
> Wow.


I am very sorry to hear about your dad, but I have “no empathy” based upon what? I never called him out on anything. I was just writing in this post to demonstrate all of the stuff that most women in most situations would jump all over but I always kept my mouth shut. If anything I thought meeting my daughter “at some point” (hardly pressured esp when he’d already had me meet his son!) indicated that I really took him seriously and found him of high value. Goodness.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I am curious how you express other disappointments you face in life, how do you see yourself with expectations in relationships?

So little of life is what happens to us, so much of it is how we react to it.

What peace are you providing?

Forgive and let go...


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I am curious how you express other disappointments you face in life, how do you see yourself with expectations in relationships?
> 
> So little of life is what happens to us, so much of it is how we react to it.
> 
> ...


Well the whole thing just feels unreasonable. He was calling me cute nicknames, asking me to run mundane errands (even unnecessary stuff like car rims), having me spend time w his son. Wanting me to stay over even though he’s not capable of anything sexually. So yes this feels like a bait and switch, or something else really going on w him (him lying in bed endlessly and telling me he’s on antidepressants comes to mind), more so than a simple rejection of me… and if the mere mention of meeting my daughter someday but wanting us to be more than friends before that would happen makes him totally ignore me, I don’t even know what to think when he’s introduced me to his own child…


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Well the whole thing just feels unreasonable. He was calling me cute nicknames, asking me to run mundane errands (even unnecessary stuff like car rims), having me spend time w his son. Wanting me to stay over even though he’s not capable of anything sexually. So yes this feels like a bait and switch, or something else really going on w him (him lying in bed endlessly and telling me he’s on antidepressants comes to mind), more so than a simple rejection of me… and if the mere mention of meeting my daughter someday but wanting us to be more than friends before that would happen makes him totally ignore me, I don’t even know what to think when he’s introduced me to his own child…


When things feel unreasonable, it is because we are clinging to something we feel deserved, a sense of rewards or punishments.

"Do I deserve this?" 

"Why don't I deserve that?" 

These will trip us up every time as we try to justify things are owed us...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Look you didn’t deserve to have someone start a relationship when they were sick and take advantage of your kindness. 

the thing is I think you are hung up on feeling inadequate. This doesn’t seem to be the case to me.

give yourself and him a break. But let it go. Blame it on him, blame it on you , blame it on the moon. He was taking advantage of you. I have empathy for him but I’m shocked at how many people are bashing you. He started dating during cancer. It’s obvious he was treating you like more than a friend. It obvious he was taking way more than a new relationship should particularly when he then balks at even using the word girlfriend. They can talk about how new it was but he’s inviting you to the hospital, to spend the night, to take care of his son, to do errands.

I mean talk about too soon. Most people would say the relationship was way too soon to take advantage like that but he did. It was kind of you to do those things for him.

he maybe feeling the weight of his uselessness, his illness, his lack of manhood, lack of energy of he maybe a commitment phone, or maybe he’s just a user.

please try to let go. He obviously isn’t available and you are just going to make yourself miserable trying to figure why he is dodgy. I know not having a reason or closure is hard. If you talked to him he’s probably just lie. Move on.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Op, you sound like my ex, she constantly had expectations of what I should say and do, which I had no possible hope of meeting, because im not physic! And neither is he.

You clearly feel aggrieved about all the things you did for him, no doubt you feel used, but any rational person wouldn't date someone in the middle of cancer treatment. 

Befriend yes, date no. Even with little to no knowledge of cancer treatment, it should have been obvious that he would be capable of giving very little to anyone. 

The way he finished things with you was completely rational in my eyes, however you don't see it that way. 

Learn a lesson about dating seriously ill people and stop expecting so much so soon


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had a major injury once and a friend decided to become exceptionally helpful and nice. Yes help is lovely once or twice. Neighbours and friends pulled together and really helped our family. Much appreciated. But this friend went the extra mile to bombard me several times a day. I REALLY wanted to be left alone and not stared at and not called and texted all the time and to have to ENTERTAIN A VISITOR!! She was there for hours at a time. Other helpers just ducked in, small chat and did the helpful thing that we needed and left.

It felt really invasive and creepy and I was often turning this person down and saying no every day but this person just wasn’t hearing no at all. A lot of her ‘help’ was unnecessary and lavish and we tried every way to decline. And she still kept showing up nonstop and I didn’t have a life-threatening illness, just a bad injury with a lengthy recovery.

But this person saw it all as helpful!! And it ended a lot worse than what you’re describing. I wanted to lie in bed and not entertain that visitor. But she wanted to tell a story that she was there for me all The way. This was a friend who just didn’t hear no, and then became so distressed one day after I didn’t answer her phone call that she phoned my husband and demanded answers. She turned stage-5 clinger. I was very firm, told her her behaviour was alarming and not to call me everyday, a very direct and unkind list of no no no. Anyway, it got worse and years later she is still showing up at places to catch me alone and question me about why we can’t be friends and what went wrong.

Some people are frankly alarming. In my case it was simply a friend who was unhinged (we did find out she has a pattern of targeting sick or vulnerable people). In your case… you probably harassed a cancer patient that you thought you were in a relationship with.

For future reference, even a person with a cold usually likes to just be alone to privately blow snot into a tissue.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> *I REALLY wanted to be left alone* and not stared at and not called and texted all the time and to have to ENTERTAIN A VISITOR!!


When I was in hospital for major cancer surgery and later recovering at home, asked my wife to insure NO visitors, not even family. My mental state wasn't best before and for sometime after the surgery. A person who hasn't dealt with this disease really has no clue. The only person who helped me through the surgery was a volunteer from CanCare who had gone through exactly what I was experiencing. 

Everyone honored the "no visitors" except a tone deaf relative who showed up anyway with his GF to hospital. I was in a lot of pain and not really in mood to entertain anyone. I pretended to fall asleep and they thankfully left after about 20 minutes. After that, I asked the nurses to police and the only one allowed was my wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Well the whole thing just feels unreasonable. He was calling me cute nicknames, asking me to run mundane errands (even unnecessary stuff like car rims), having me spend time w his son. Wanting me to stay over even though he’s not capable of anything sexually. So yes this feels like a bait and switch, or something else really going on w him (him lying in bed endlessly and telling me he’s on antidepressants comes to mind), more so than a simple rejection of me… and if the mere mention of meeting my daughter someday but wanting us to be more than friends before that would happen makes him totally ignore me, I don’t even know what to think when he’s introduced me to his own child…


He took you on as a friend, he needed (and hoped for) additional, outside encouragement.

He took you on as a friend, and in the case he does get better, he hoped you would wish to further the relationship.

He showed you (up front) who he was, and what his situation is.

He knew if you stayed with him through his greatest challenge, you would be a keeper.

I am sorry it did not work out for both of you, (specifically, the relationship).

He did the best he could, you fell short.

Which is OK...

We all have needs, yours were not met by him.

Move on, hold no grudges.



_Lilith-_


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> He took you on as a friend, he needed (and hoped for) additional, outside encouragement.
> 
> He took you on as a friend, and in the case he does get better, he hoped you would wish to further the relationship.
> 
> ...


Fell short how?! I genuinely feel I couldn’t have done more for him or been more understanding or giving


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Fell short how?! I genuinely feel I couldn’t have done more for him or been more understanding or giving


OK then, what are your present plans, with respect to this relationship?

Call it quits?

Wait and see?

Something else?


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> OK then, what are your present plans, with respect to this relationship?
> 
> Call it quits?
> 
> ...


I wanted to give him space for a while, then just ask if he’s doing okay, see if maybe this really is just related to horrific timing and him feeling like death


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Fell short how?! I genuinely feel I couldn’t have done more for him or been more understanding or giving


I think this is the post I would spend some time listening to.

Life is often spent seeing the fault of others to justify our desire to control the situation de 'jour. 

When I find myself in the occasional at odds with people, my first thought is "what could I have done better". All too often the answers are "I should have listened better, been more aware of x-y-z, not taken it personal/been defensive in my conversation". Looking inward first empowers us to remove blame and expectations.

In honesty, we find ourselves benefitted by not trying to direct the play as life is improv anyways, and kindness is the best free-flowing session of the show.

@SunCMars shares the options and you answered, but what if the connection you seek is not compatible for the things you want?

It won't matter how you see yourself, it will only matter how you are as your connection with him is or is not sustainable.

When it comes to others, sometimes it is us.

And that is ok.

What may be more damaging is to push a connection that was not meant to be.

Those we call lessons.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> OK then, what are your present plans, with respect to this relationship?
> 
> Call it quits?
> 
> ...


What relationship? 

It doesn't even seem it's a friendship anymore. 

OP, what are you doing for yourself? Any other friends you can spend time with? Meeting other men? Something that doesn't include your ex friend, boyfriend, or whatever he was?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> _What relationship?_


She thinks, otherwise. 

We/she shall see.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> But it was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch!


How did he manage to date you during the treatment and 12-hour sleeps? His son describes him as sleeping all day. You knew him for only 2 months. How did any dating happen here during this severe illness. I don’t have any experience with cancer, can someone enlighten me on how much energy this man would have had, to meet a new person and start a relationship in these two months?

Why is the son being left with a dad who sleeps so much and is receiving treatment for cancer, and which parent authorised a relatively new friend to pick up the son? Meaning, his ex has a person, you, pick up the boy, and she is fine with her son seeing dad sleeping all day and being cared for by a stranger, who also gets people to watch her daughter while she holds hands with a man she’s just met. 

I have assumed the son is a child. I have also assumed that the cancer patient is sharing custody.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How did he manage to date you during the treatment and 12-hour sleeps? His son describes him as sleeping all day. You knew him for only 2 months. How did any dating happen here during this severe illness. I don’t have any experience with cancer, can someone enlighten me on how much energy this man would have had, to meet a new person and start a relationship in these two months?
> 
> Why is the son being left with a dad who sleeps so much and is receiving treatment for cancer, and which parent authorised a relatively new friend to pick up the son? Meaning, his ex has a person, you, pick up the boy, and she is fine with her son seeing dad sleeping all day and being cared for by a stranger, who also gets people to watch her daughter while she holds hands with a man she’s just met.
> 
> I have assumed the son is a child. I have also assumed that the cancer patient is sharing custody.


Lot of loose ends here.

I didn't have to undergo chemo, the surgery to remove the tumor was bad enough. If that hadn't done the job, hormone suppression (castration) was next on the table. Sound like fun? At my age, have had plenty of friends and relatives undergo chemotherapy. I have had close friends and relatives (including my mother) who died from the effects of chemotherapy. It destroyed any will to live they had left, and any resistance to disease their body had. If the first round doesn't make the patient too sick to stand, they increase the dose for the next round, rinse and repeat. It is basically a race to see if they can kill the cancer before chemo kills the patient. 

The image in my head is a man trying to deal with treatment for prostate cancer, the OP didn't say what her "friend" had, maybe it was some other type. There are a bunch and none of them a picnic. Like I mentioned before, OP ought to pray she doesn't get to experience firsthand what her "friend" went through. Before treatment started in earnest, he may have had enough energy to think he could handle a GF, but when the realities arrived with treatment it became clear to him AND OP that he was barely able to stay alive, let alone satisfy a woman. I am sure her being pIst at him because her feelings are hurt are the least of his concerns. Hopefully she will leave the poor guy alone and move on to someone else. Surely there must be plenty of men who aren't cancer patients to pester.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> I REALLY wanted to be left alone and not stared at and not called and texted all the time and to have to ENTERTAIN A VISITOR!! She was there for hours at a time. Other helpers just ducked in, small chat and did the helpful thing that we needed and left.


I'm the same, and when I help out peeps in these situations my usual thing is to text them and ask if they need anything, so they don't have to deal with me right then, they can do it when they feel up to it. When I leave what they asked for, I shoot them a text saying that I've left the stuff at the front door. It's not difficult. I have a couple of girlfriends who have access to the house and would come in each day I imagine, but they're the kind of friends who if they see something needs doing, they'll do it and that's that. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable going to sleep while they're here, it's just the way our friendship is. I also have others who, bless them, love me and would come and sit and want to chat, not lift a finger and then tell everyone "Frusdil isn't coping, there was dust on the mantle" 



Luckylucky said:


> I don’t have any experience with cancer, can someone enlighten me on how much energy this man would have had, to meet a new person and start a relationship in these two months?


Generally, the first treatment goes ok, particularly radiation. Chemo you feel fine at first but a few hours later it hits. Recovery from the first round is usually the quickest, as each one comes round, recovery takes longer and longer due to the cumulative effect. There's so many different cocktails of chemo, some are milder than others, but all will have some side effects ranging from unpleasant to downright horrendous.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Before treatment started in earnest, he may have had enough energy to think he could handle a GF, but when the realities arrived with treatment it became clear to him AND OP that he was barely able to stay alive, let alone satisfy a woman. I am sure her being pIst at him because her feelings are hurt are the least of his concerns. Hopefully she will leave the poor guy alone and move on to someone else. Surely there must be plenty of men who aren't cancer patients to pester.


As I’d mentioned he’d already had the surgery, and multiple rounds of chemo when he started pursuing me. I hear some posters saying the last rounds of chemo are most difficult. But he knew what was up, and also that there’s (hopefully?) an end in sight, so that’s why this felt like a bait and switch to me. Totally different if we were dating but he wasn’t asking me to do any errands, spend tim with his son, or stay the night even though he couldn’t do a thing Sexually. All of that and he totally ghosts me for a comment about meeting my daughter someday but only once we were more than friends bc that’s my preference for her?!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Good God, you're still at it? 
🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 

Lady, get some therapy, or every man you meet will cut and run.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You're NEVER going to get the answer You're seeking.

It would behoove you to just let it go and move forward. Unfortunately you won't.....


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Good God, you're still at it?
> 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️
> 
> Lady, get some therapy, or every man you meet will cut and run.


A man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me… asks me to stay the night repeatedly to do whatever Pg rated stuff he’s capable of, thinks we’re at the point where he can ask me to run errands and hold my hand… and suddenly ghosts me like this and you think I have no reason to want answers?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> A man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me… asks me to stay the night repeatedly to do whatever Pg rated stuff he’s capable of, thinks we’re at the point where he can ask me to run errands and hold my hand… and suddenly ghosts me like this and you think I have no reason to want answers?


You can want reasons all you want, but most likely you will never know unless he makes contact. 

Right now you're wasting time going around in circles like a dog chasing its tail. Are you better off now than you were when he first ghosted you?

Ghosting sucks, I've been on the receiving end of it. I had to accept there would be no answers and nothing I could do would change that, so I accepted it and moved on. 

If you want to wallow and make yourself nuts, like you're looking, you're only shooting yourself in the foot. But you do you...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me


man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me
man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me
man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me
man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me.

On and on and on and on with the same song. Like I previously said:



Rob_1 said:


> Now you're starting to sound like one of those relentless pit bulls that once they bite they won't let go.
> 
> Get a grip of yourself.


Lady: LET GO.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> “Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.”


He didn't ghost you. He gave you an explanation. You just don't like the answer.

You keep repeatedly saying things here like:


Kansasbbq10 said:


> even though he couldn’t do a thing Sexually





Kansasbbq10 said:


> asks me to stay the night repeatedly to do whatever Pg rated stuff he’s capable of


You are voicing to us a desire for more. No, you're not outright saying it, but it's in the subtext of your communications here, and was most likely at least in the subtext of your communications with him and he picked up on it. He's told you he cannot give you more right now. And perhaps you pushed as much with him as you are here also. You don't seem to want to accept the advice you are being given here as much as you don't seem to want to respect his decision, which he communicated to you, and with a why.

To some extent I understand why you feel aggrieved that he would accept so much from you in the beginning, only to decide later he wants something different, but this happens sometimes even without cancer involved. He's not ready for your love, he's told you that. Chalk this one up to experience and move on. Perhaps don't give so much of yourself so early in a relationship next time until you are sure that your needs can also be met.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

people have pointed out that he can’t really play with a full deck right now and perhaps that’s reason to put this on hold, go about life but after least reach out to ask if he’s ok at some point and if better and he knows I still care, then perhaps we could move forward.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> people have pointed out that he can’t really play with a full deck right now and perhaps that’s reason to put this on hold, go about life but after least reach out to ask if he’s ok at some point and if better and he knows I still care, then perhaps we could move forward.


In his shoes, I would actually find further contact from you disconcerting. What does he need to do or say to get you to leave him alone and move on? If roles were reversed wouldnt it be considered stalking? If a man were doing this to a female, most would describe him as creepy.

Try to lose this obsession, for your own health as well as his. Go out and meet someone else (not a cancer patient).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


Yes.

You are extremely self centered.

He did the right thing. 

Someone can blow off a person who gave them the world and it's okay, it's their prerogative. You aren't entitled to anything just because you chose to be giving. 

I'm surprised you haven't figured out that's how things work by now, in the world.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


In these circumstances, yes. Now you're just seeming childish.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> In his shoes, I would actually find further contact from you disconcerting. What does he need to do or say to get you to leave him alone and move on? If roles were reversed wouldnt it be considered stalking? If a man were doing this to a female, most would describe him as creepy.


In some ways he was seeming more into me than vice versa, I wasn’t asking him to spend holidays w me and my child, in fact I hadn’t even made plans to introduce him. Yet when he deteriorates at a point due to cancer and suddenly backs off it’s all “oh don’t ever contact him again, he wants nothing to do with you, if you think otherwise you’re a stalker.” I wasn’t the one inviting him to drop by my place while I wasn’t home and offering him my keys 5 days earlier for God’s sake. (I declined when he said this bc I thought, way too soon!)


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Good God, you're still at it?
> 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️  🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️
> 
> Lady, get some therapy, or every man you meet will cut and run.


Yeah. She just doesn't stop. No matter what someone tries to tell her she comes back at you, and always about her and her opinion and how she is so wronged. 

I am not surprised this guy needed a break. Cancer and the treatment is exhausting enough.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> In some ways he was seeming more into me than vice versa, I wasn’t asking him to spend holidays w me and my child, in fact I hadn’t even made plans to introduce him. Yet when he deteriorates at a point due to cancer and suddenly backs off it’s all “oh don’t ever contact him again, he wants nothing to do with you, if you think otherwise you’re a stalker.” I wasn’t the one inviting him to drop by my place while I wasn’t home and offering him my keys 5 days earlier for God’s sake. (I declined when he said this bc I thought, way too soon!)


What is your problem here...?? It's obvious that as he got to know you, HE CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT YOU.

Why are you so obsessed and unable to let go of your expectations of him? It's very bizarre.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Guys, she's an attention -h0. She's posted the same stuff on other forums.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are obsessing. I don't know if you keep posting the same old sh** here because you want attention, love to argue, or just don't bother to consider the responses you've received thus far.

Maybe it's a combination of all of the above. Here's what I previously posted. Even if you bothered to read it, I doubt it sunk in. At the risk of being boringly redundant, I'll try one more time and post part of my response::



Prodigal said:


> Read some of the threads here from loyal spouses whose partner went out and screwed someone else. It's not about being sick or overwhelmed. It's about human nature. Maybe he's selfish, cancer or not. Maybe he's clueless. Maybe he just doesn't give a damn.
> 
> Whatever his motivation, this is oftentimes how humans behave. I'm not making excuses for him. It's just the human condition.
> 
> Just let it go and take solace in the fact that you gave to someone, got nothing in return, and decided to take the high road and let it go.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TXTrini said:


> She's posted the same stuff on other forums.


Wow. That sheds light on what is going on here. Thanks for the head's up!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> Guys, she's an attention -h0. She's posted the same stuff on other forums.


Now I wonder is she is actually a she.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> In some ways he was seeming more into me than vice versa, I wasn’t asking him to spend holidays w me and my child, in fact I hadn’t even made plans to introduce him. Yet when he deteriorates at a point due to cancer and suddenly backs off it’s all “oh don’t ever contact him again, he wants nothing to do with you, if you think otherwise you’re a stalker.” I wasn’t the one inviting him to drop by my place while I wasn’t home and offering him my keys 5 days earlier for God’s sake. (I declined when he said this bc I thought, way too soon!)


Why do you think you keep dwelling on this and aren't just letting the event gently slip into your past?

What do you hope to gain by going on and on? This is intended for you to realize you're obsessing over this, and the only remaining question is what are you trying to get out of this ad infinitum discussing?

Now it's getting beyond weird.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

K. I truly gave and asked for nothing. When I asked if he was ok yesterday, he responded and asked how I was, but all I’ve said about myself is I’m well and just kept the message about him- you’re so strong, hope every day is better and you’re able to enjoy time with your son. I did not even tell him to let me know if I can do anything for him, after people’s advice here to back the heck off and leave him alone.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Why don't you look at it from another perspective. 

Dating is finding out about another person. So why would you want to date someone (or to be this upset and frustrated) who's just ghosted you and has done a complete 180 on you? That wasn't appreciative of the things you did for him? He's shown you who he is so believe him.

You don't want to believe anything else that's been conveyed to you (that the man has cancer and what he's going through or that he's seen you for who you really are etc etc). So if what you're saying is the truth ask yourself why you're so bent out of shape about this? Be thankful you found out who he is now after only two months as opposed to finding out years down the road and having much more invested.

Unfortunately you won't....


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Why don't you look at it from another perspective.
> 
> Dating is finding out about another person. So why would you want to date someone (or to be this upset and frustrated) who's just ghosted you and has done a complete 180 on you? That wasn't appreciative of the things you did for him? He's shown you who he is so believe him.


That was helpful, thanks. There I was finding a friend to watch my daughter for an hour when I knew he was feeling awful hospitalized and (he said this) it made him feel so much better just to have me there. Helping out w his son and then… when I mention meeting my daughter at some point but would like to be able introduce him as more than a vague friend then… he totally ghosts? What would be so hard about texting “sounds great, too much right now, but when I’m better, let’s revisit in a few months maybe?” 
for all that, when he texted to ask how I was, all I said was I’m well then turned things right back to him- that I’m sorry it’s been so rough, I hope everyday is getting easier, he’s a very strong guy,and I hope he’s getting to enjoy some time w his son. I feel I’ve given all I could, and it’s just the sudden bait and switch over an issue that he’d had no problem with in reverse (introducing me to his child/ just without a title whereas I don’t wish to introduce my daughter so early ), that feels so upsetting and shocking to me and that I’ve posted here struggling ti understand.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You realize you’ve got a classic case of obsessive compulsiveness going on here. How does this manifest in other areas of your life? This guy is history. He’s gonna really get pissed if you keep pushing…
So I worry that you’re gonna go find another guy who is more receptive but really screwed up too, and get attached to him as well.

This one is impotent, has cancer, doesn’t want to meet your kid, and ghosted you……… you’re still not wanting to quit. Gotta get some self awareness here and let it go, and catch yourself before you pull a repeat performance with an even worse dude.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I would forget about him. You cared for him some days and looked after his son. At a time in his life he needed help and support, and you came into his life. It seems that that's all he is wanting at this point in his life, friends and help and support. He is too ill still and still has a long journey to go with his cancer battle. Think once chemo stops he may need to take meds for 5 years, to try prevent the cancer coming back. My friend had to take tablets with awful side effects for the 5 years, then if all clear she came off the meds. The chemo won't be the end of his treatment. It's very kind and caring you helped him etc, but I think that's all he is wanting at this time. If you want more than friendship I think you should look for another man who is looking for the same. Unless you know for sure he wants a committed relationship if and when he is healthy again. Sadly he is still very sick though and just be a friend, help and support him through kindness, without expecting anything back. If anything you could be good friends. He probably appreciates everything you have done for him and his son, when he was struggling. This shows you have a kind heart and care.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> It's very kind and caring you helped him etc, but I think that's all he is wanting at this time. If you want more than friendship I think you should look for another man who is looking for the same. Unless you know for sure he wants a committed relationship if and when he is healthy again. Sadly he is still very sick though and just be a friend, help and support him through kindness, without expecting anything back. If anything you could be good friends. He probably appreciates everything you have done for him and his son, when he was struggling. This shows you have a kind heart and care.


Thank you…I could have totally understood from beginning if he wanted only friendship, but there was all the handholding/cuddling /cute nicknames for me and frankly I think introducing me to his son if I was just some vague “friend” was misleading and confusing and inappropriate too. But as some were saying maybe he was in denial then realized he was in over his head and really couldn’t manage a relationship or much of anything at this point , other than his son (and barely even him if he reports snapping at him and just lying around all the time…)
But also he’s 20 years older than me and unable to do a single thing sexually and maybe it’s stupid and self defeating to think I shouldn’t look for or want more. I’m talking to my ex a ton and even he, who is pursuing me heavily again, meets my needs better…


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

LET.IT.GO and MOVE.ON!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Thank you…I could have totally understood from beginning if he wanted only friendship, but there was all the handholding/cuddling /cute nicknames for me and frankly I think introducing me to his son if I was just some vague “friend” was misleading and confusing and inappropriate too. But as some were saying maybe he was in denial then realized he was in over his head and really couldn’t manage a relationship or much of anything at this point , other than his son (and barely even him if he reports snapping at him and just lying around all the time…)
> But also he’s 20 years older than me and unable to do a single thing sexually and maybe it’s stupid and self defeating to think I shouldn’t look for or want more. I’m talking to my ex a ton and even he, who is pursuing me heavily again, meets my needs better…


So you pursued a cancer patient who is 20 yrs older and can’t get it up, and are unsatisfied he wasn’t meeting your needs (during chemo🤭), and you are pissed he ghosted you?

why?
Why would any woman on the planet pursue a 20 yr older cancer patient? If his name isn’t Benjamin Button, I’m doubting your reasoning skills. There was no way you and he could have possibly been on the same page. Of course he enjoyed a younger, virile woman attending his needs and giving emotional support! He finally admitted to himself the stupidity of it and cut you loose and ghosted you because you hung on like a pit bull.
He was doing you a solid.

what you were attempting was just plain old illogical. What was wrong with your ex? Why is he an ex?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> A man introduces me to his child, with not a single expectation or suggestion from me… asks me to stay the night repeatedly to do whatever Pg rated stuff he’s capable of, thinks we’re at the point where he can ask me to run errands and hold my hand… and suddenly ghosts me like this and you think I have no reason to want answers?


I've dated a guy or two who did something like this. It's not unusual at all for a guy to act like he's all into you, spending all his time with you, etc. And then out of nowhere they ghost you. It's actually a well-known pattern for some men. 

He's given you the answer. He's decided that he does not want to date you or have a relationship of any kind with you. He might now even be able to articulate what the issue is, only that he just does not feel it's going to work for him.

It truely sucks when a guy (or gal) does this. It can make you question what you did, what's wrong with you, etc. The truth is that it's him who has a problem. He can't even break off your relationship in a kind manner. You need to look at that. That's really not all the farfetched from how you described him. He's not relationship material.

You need to look into yourself and figure out why you keep going in circles with this. At this point you would do well to make the decision that you don't want anything to do with a man who could treat you this way. 

Then start putting time into things that make you feel better. Things that nurture you.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Being sick or overwhelmed includes blowing off/abandoning a woman who was nothing but understanding and giving?


it appears you gave this care with strings attached. That is not actually caring or giving. If there was a role reversal and he was a caring man looking after a sick woman and then she felt that she didn't want to continue and he was upset like you are you would be accused of not being a great person. It's like the fact that he is unwell he should not have a choice to say no thanks. He doesn't owe you anything.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

m.t.t said:


> It's like the fact that he is unwell he should not have a choice to say no thanks. He doesn't owe you anything.


My view is more that he is too unwell, physically and mentally, to be capable of a relationship, not that it’s me personally. I mean in his situation how do you really tell?

As far as what is wrong with my ex? He tells me he doesn’t feel emotion for anyone/anything except me, has used the word sociopath, but says even though he has a greatly reduced ability to care, he cares about me as much as he’s capable. We have a very strong emotional connection over years (which I guess is manifested in him admitting things to me like having a personality disorder).


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> My view is more that he is too unwell, physically and mentally, to be capable of a relationship, not that it’s me personally. I mean in his situation how do you really tell?
> 
> As far as what is wrong with my ex? He tells me he doesn’t feel emotion for anyone/anything except me, has used the word sociopath, but says even though he has a greatly reduced ability to care, he cares about me as much as he’s capable. We have a very strong emotional connection over years (which I guess is manifested in him admitting things to me like having a personality disorder).


There are more than 2 fish in the sea. 

Why would you want your ex when he admits he doesn't feel emotion and might be a sociopath.

Try really hard to work on meeting and dating in a healthier manner.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you pursued a cancer patient who is 20 yrs older and can’t get it up, and are unsatisfied he wasn’t meeting your needs (during chemo🤭), and you are pissed he ghosted you?
> 
> why?
> Why would any woman on the planet pursue a 20 yr older cancer patient? If his name isn’t Benjamin Button, I’m doubting your reasoning skills. There was no way you and he could have possibly been on the same page. Of course he enjoyed a younger, virile woman attending his needs and giving emotional support! He finally admitted to himself the stupidity of it and cut you loose and ghosted you because you hung on like a pit bull.
> ...


I guess you missed the part where he asked her out. He was the one who started this / pursued. Perhaps he shouldn't have tried dating in the middle of cancer treatment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Twenty years is too much of an age gap anyway.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I guess you missed the part where he asked her out. He was the one who started this / pursued. Perhaps he shouldn't have tried dating in the middle of cancer treatment.


everybody has the right to say no at anytime. he might just have decided she was too much for him, too needy etc. I can't imagine why she wanted to play nurse to a stranger from day one or to someone that was 20 years older. I think she needs to look at why.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> everybody has the right to say no at anytime. he might just have decided she was too much for him, too needy etc. I can't imagine why she wanted to play nurse to a stranger from day one or to someone that was 20 years older. I think she needs to look at why.


I never said he didn't have the right to say no or walk away. If you bothered to look at my post I had quoted someone who said she chased him. That was not the case.

This whole thread has me baffled. It seems to be a competition as to who can bash OP the most.
Should she move on yes.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

m.t.t said:


> I can't imagine why she wanted to play nurse to a stranger from day one or to someone that was 20 years older. I think she needs to look at why.


Probably true, and given the fact that I was willing to do that when I clearly wasn’t getting sex, someone to even listen to Me talk about my day, or someone willing to spend time with my child as I did with his… only able to tell me we should probably stay friends for now… do I have no standards or am I a masochist? Jeez


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Probably true, and given the fact that I was willing to do that when I clearly wasn’t getting sex, someone to even listen to Me talk about my day, or someone willing to spend time with my child as I did with his… only able to tell me we should probably stay friends for now… do I have no standards or am I a masochist? Jeez


my guess is that deep down you were giving him your all because you want that for yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He didn't act well. Who knows if that's the cancer treatment or if he is like that anyway. I think he wanted you to look after him and be sympathetic but wasn't really interested in any sort of committment.
Yes he should have explained why the sudden ghosting, leaving you wondering wasn't kind.
Best to just accept he isn't the one for you and move on. Same with your ex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> Probably true, and given the fact that I was willing to do that when I clearly wasn’t getting sex, someone to even listen to Me talk about my day, or someone willing to spend time with my child as I did with his… only able to tell me we should probably stay friends for now… do I have no standards or am I a masochist? Jeez


Kindly, I do hope you're not dwelling on this. Letting it go is the best thing.


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## Kansasbbq10 (12 mo ago)

Update: I followed everyone’s advice and left him alone. We didn't speak for months. I totally moved on. Then he started texting me again. Inviting me to do platonic activities but I was never free. Then finally i came over his place as we planned to go to this cool spot near his house. Well we just got lost in conversation \ catching up and then...He made a move! We fooled around a bit but really it was way more than we’d ever done for those months we dated! Now he's texting a normal amount for a guy who's interested , seems very into me. But we didn't talk much for those months he was still going through cancer! seems like he's ultimately wanting a relationship from comments he made. I don't know what to think ?


i feel really guarded because this is someone who previously “disappeared” on me. But… he “disappeared” in the context of being super sick with cancer and communicated to me that he could only handle being friends and that could definitely change in the future. When we did things sexually the other day part of me felt like it was happening so “fast”… then reminding myself he spent months dating me including a holiday together , having me around his child, bringing me tea in bed in the morning even though he’d gotten zero sexually from any of it. But I feel very guarded and closed off, assuming he’s just “using me” and “not serious.”
But I do this with all men. Except for the one who’s been around for almost 5 years but is estranged from his wife and moved far away from her but doesn’t ever want a “traditional relationship” or to ruin his child’s life and lose access to his child (he tells me that’s been threatened multiple times) and lose all his $ by getting a divorce, but he and his wife haven’t had any physical or romantic relationship period since I started sleeping w him years ago (and yes even before). And I believe him bc I once spoke w his wife. But I feel very close to and comfortable w this man and he’s the only one I can be sexual with and feel comfortable and not panicked thatI’m being used and that I “just can’t go through with it”


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Kansasbbq10 said:


> But I do this with all men.


I am glad you have this insight


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