# I left but I never thought he would let me go without a fight



## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Our relationship used to be amazing, I was sure we would be the cute old couple holding hands in the park. I left him almost 6 months ago and he never looked back. I'm crushed, I wanted to force some kind of effort on his part to get back what we had. Over several years we fell into a pattern of me nagging for help with kids/house (we both worked full time but staggered schedules so the kids were in daycare less), in the begining he asked that I tell him how to help and we slide down to nagging and finally arguing. His mother moved in a few years ago and that did not go well for me, he reverted to a kid his mom took care of everything for him and she and I had power stuggles over everything. We basically stopped having sex, I would try and he was tired or just not interested (I'm not unattractive). We had issues regarding our lack of intimacy and growing apart that I wanted to go to counselling for. He didn't want to. I left because I could not live so uphappy in our house, I was very depressed a lot of the time. I was in a lose lose situation, either I fought with his mother about how to raise our kids and later fought with him for fighting with his mom or I caved and felt like a bad mother. I felt completely rejected and out of place in our home and told him so. I became angry of little things because the only time he would respond to me was if I was angry, later only if I cried, then only if I yelled. I didn't like who I had become and left. I thought if I left he would see how sad our lives had become, how much I wanted to make us work but I needed him to be involved also. I left with our 3 kids and a few things thinking it wouldn't be long before he would want to talk. He is a wonderful person and a caring father, he was my best friend and I don't want a divorce but I will not raise my children in a home like that. He doesn't seem to have any regrets. We get along better now that I have moved out, we have even had sex more since I left than we have had in years. I try to talk to him and see how he is doing, to see what he thinks about us and get a very limited response, just that i left him. It's been so long I am losing hope. We let it get so bad and he didn't seem to notice or want to make an effort to change anything. I just truly think we had it so good and it seems clear what went wrong then it's fixable. Am I wrong to hope? It still seems as though I am the only person interested in talking. Thanks for the time.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

He probably likes the peace.

Why did his Mom move in?


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

His mom wanted to retire and offered to help with kids. He is an only child (and her retirement plan).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well he has his mom in one house and she does everything for him.

He has you in the other house and now you do everything and don't nag him. And he gets sex. 

He might even date other women on the side.

He's got it made.

How often does he take the children?


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

He sees them most weekends. He doesn't help with child support and I haven't pushed it, it's more important to me that he's involved with the kids, it's hard but we're making it (my family helps when I can't make ends meet).


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

child support and NO SEX!!!

you have made it way too easy for him to not go back.
there is nothing to work on as far as he can see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you say he sees the children on weekends, do you mean he comes to your place to see them? Does he ever take them to his place for an entire week? how about a weekend?

Well he's not looking to reconcile because you've made this way too easy for him. He's never going to reconcile. 

You need to up the pressure. He has to help you with child support. He needs to pay half or more of day care bills. And he needs to take the children 50% of the time so that you can have a life as well. Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time before it’s made final. 

If you do not do this he will never take reconciliation seriously. 
Go see an attorney and file for divorce. Have the attorney set up a temporary custody plan and child support plan. Then meet with your husband.

Tell you that you want to reconcile. But that since he will not you have to move on with your life. He will need to pick the children up 50% of the time and take care of them himself, get them to school day care, school, etc on his own. Unfortunately his mother will do a lot of it for him. But there is nothing you can do about that. Tell him that a divorce can be stopped at any time before it’s made final. But until he agrees to reconcile you are going through with the divorce. Start treating him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). Do not let him come over to have sex with you. 

If he says that you left him.. blah blah blah… tell him that he left you when he abrogated his responsibility as a father and husband to his mother. That you are not taking his guilt trip. 

When you do the above you will finally get his attention. He might not reconcile. But if there is a chance for him to do it, this is what will finally make him take it seriously.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice, I guess I do need to start on the paper work. I have made it too easy.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a little girl.
Your husband is weak, and there's really nothing much you can do about it.
If his mother coddled him all his life, then there's not much hope for him to man up and make hard decisions.
Trust me...it will get better, you will swing between anger, frustration, sadness, and insecurity because you question if you are that undesirable for someone just to give up on loving and fighting for you. But it's not you, it's him, he's not good enough for you, and he'll never be good enough for anybody.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes way to easy, mommy to take care of him during the week, and a wife to "TAKE CARE" of him during the weekends...and to top it off, not have to financially support his kids......

Were do I sign up!!

You need to set some boundries and set some non-negotiable demands.

Child support is a biggie 
M/C is a must
Sex, up to you, but make him work for it at least - date night!

You need to dismantle your current structure.

You said he didn't fight for you, he never list you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

mmomof3

Sounds like you do not want to rock the boat with him. Well, I think you need to press for child care. First thing, speak to an attorney. One of the posters is right. He has it made!

Is there equity in the home you left? Stop being a welcome mat. Sounds like your the one that is/was raising the kids. My wife does not need to tell me what to do and how to help her. Sounds like your husband is a child.

You are even going the distance by having sex with him on the side. Bad idea. This guy needs to grow up.

He sounds like a spoiled brat. Mommy is taking care of him now. How old is your husband?


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

He's 33, I'm 32. I have always done everything, I'm a bit of an uptight overacheiver. I make good money and find the time to do the PTA things, volunteer and work from home so the kids aren't in daycare and I can do housework during the day too. I guess I have turned into a door mat over the years. I do so appreciate everyone's honesty and perspective.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He won't make an effort unless he has to work for it.

You've given him everything he wants. Wow. Momma to take care of him, you for sex, no child support, gets to see the kids when it's convenient AND he gets to be single when he's not with you or the kids.

dang.

Stop it all. Get serious. Time with the kids is one thing, but so are new shoes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And mothers of sons...PLEASE don't be like this. Please. My daughter's do not need your BS. thanks


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Let me get this straight. You move out and he gets to stay in your home. You take the children and he gives you no child support. He has more sex with you now then when you were there. You do not file for divorce so he gets to keep all the assets. And you wonder why he is OK with this? LOL!! Where is the down side? This is not what divorce is going to be like.:rofl:

File for divorce asking for custody and child support. Filing for divorce is not the same as divorce because it takes time before it is final so you can change your mind. In filing you can demand child support immediately. Start dividing the assets. Set down a visitation schedule for the children that he must follow. Stop having sex with him. Let him feel the down side of divorce.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Thanks everyone, I filled out my paperwork (still hoping to reconcile but having doubts that its the right thing). I just always thought you give the best you are able in a marriage and I did everything I could. I can at least tell myself I tried to make it work. We're not speaking much at the moment, just kids stuff. I had my rebound fling already, guess I needed the ego boost.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TRy said:


> Let me get this straight. You move out and he gets to stay in your home. You take the children and he gives you no child support. He has more sex with you now then when you were there. You do not file for divorce so he gets to keep all the assets. And you wonder why he is OK with this? LOL!! Where is the down side? This is not what divorce is going to be like.:rofl:
> 
> File for divorce asking for custody and child support. Filing for divorce is not the same as divorce because it takes time before it is final so you can change your mind. In filing you can demand child support immediately. Start dividing the assets. Set down a visitation schedule for the children that he must follow. Stop having sex with him. Let him feel the down side of divorce.


:iagree: Another thing is that the house he is living in is community property, right? You both own it? Ask to court to have him and his mother move out so that you and your children can return to the family home.

Or just move back and give MIL a move out notice and ask him to leave.

Or ask the court for an order to sell the house so you can have your half of the equity.

MIL will need to find another retirement plan. You have been subsidizing her retirement... when you lived there and since you moved out since you have not asked for any children support. So you have been contributing to her support and she mistreats you... wow... 

Until the divorce is final, also ask your attorney to look at the possibility of interim spousal support. That means that if your expenses are higher than his and/or your income is lower the court will have him pay you interim spousal support until the divorce is final. 

The idea is to put some pressure on him to show him the reality of what divorce will be like and what the real price is for him not standing by you. He might just grow up when all of this hits the fan.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

I don't want the house or anything really, I'm making more than he is right now. It was our dream house, if there is no us then I don't want to live in that house. I don't suppose that's entirely normal to just walk and leave everything. I just figure stuff is replaceable, I've got the kids so everything else is just stuff. I am asking for child support (just the state min) after a few more documents I'll have everything ready to turn in. I guess it just really hurts that after everything I've done he just was ok with a divorce.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mmomof3 said:


> I don't want the house or anything really, I'm making more than he is right now. It was our dream house, if there is no us then I don't want to live in that house. I don't suppose that's entirely normal to just walk and leave everything. I just figure stuff is replaceable, I've got the kids so everything else is just stuff. I am asking for child support (just the state min)


 When your children have to do without while your ex spends money on his new girl friend, you will regret this attitude.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> And mothers of sons...PLEASE don't be like this. Please. My daughter's do not need your BS. thanks


I totally, absolutely concur!! I'm deathly afraid for my daughter to fall for losers like this, and then include a passive agressive witch of a mother in the mix.


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