# Am I really crazy?



## Barkmann (Feb 22, 2016)

For those of you just tuning in, here is what started my situation:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/319834-gay-workhusband-strikes.html

Since then here has what has happened:

I started going to AA meetings, I am a month and 18 days sober. Got two chips and a sponsor...going to meetings about 3 nights a week to just get out of my head and be around people who actually give a ****. I lost 20 pounds and I'm feeling better just not at home. 

I had a no-contact order put into place between my wife and her coworker...since then she's threatened to violate it several times claiming now "she was upset" and she thought it wasn't serious because her command's hands "were tied." 

She picked a fight on our anniversary and brought him up saying I should "allow her" to have tuesdays nights with him...so they can go out and party. Up until that point I was falling in love with her again...and at that point the feeling just died. 

She kept pushing to "get her friend back" because she has a very hard time making friends with people...so whenever we had an issue she would run to work friends (other men) and vent about me and my problems...which is fair I vented to mine. 

A month goes by of her being sad and sour and depressed and blaming me for her not having any friends...and me struggling with my own demons, depression, anxiety...trying to stay sober. 

Problem is, when you strip the one friend your wife has you become the focus of attention for her...and that wasn't something I was capable of. 

I eventually realized that if I didn't try and make peace with this guy, I'd honestly have a woman who would resent me for a very long time and my marriage wouldn't recover. 

So we sat down at a diner and talked, he filled in the blanks of that night for me. And frankly this is a man who has gotten his **** together, he cut down on his drinking, he's going to therapy and he's moving on...he then asked me "so what has your wife done to fix her problems?"

My wife refuses to go to therapy, she refuses to talk to a chaplin...she thinks that she's fine.

In fact she told me I NEED to fix myself before we can fix our marriage....

She then goes to a "work only" house party...and she wondered why I kept texting and grilled her when she got home at 530am. 

I mean am I crazy here? Aren't husbands and wives a package deal at parties? Work function or not, if it's a house party thats pretty loose meaning in my book. 

My wife taking advantage of my mental duress convinces me to lift the contact order...and honestly **** goes right back to "normal" 

My anxiety keeps building and building until I eventually melt down and a chaplain suggest I see a therapist.

The day before....in the midst of an anxiety attack she asks me "how would you feel if he and I went out for a few hours monday night." 

I just...yeah

So the therapist asks "right so after all of this, she doesn't see any of this as a problem...you my friend need to ask her if she is willing to forsake all others and rebuild your marriage." He says I don't need pills, my anxiety is because of her...and her actions... At that point I asked her at a waffle house this very question. 

She said the wrong answer "oh so we're gonna go back to me having no friends and sitting on the couch"

I mean FFS we have this fight...we're on the couch watching TV and she spends more time clicking away on her phone to him "oh he's got a date tonight" and it's visibly upsetting me...

So I just shut her out, sat as far as I could away ignored her advances when she realized she ****ed up and went to a meeting. 

My sponsor flat out said "when you work these steps, you'll see her in a different light, you'll be a different person" and honestly I already see her for what she is...delusional. 

Am I crazy to be paranoid she went out to a house party without me...that it doesn't occur to her that we're a packaged deal? That she knows bringing him up upsets me and does it anyway? That her desire to have her friend and hang out with him is so strong she mentally harms me? That I "haven't shown her I want to take her out places". 

I keep telling myself to not care, and to shut her out and just focus on myself and my recovery.

I have two options, suffer and eventually snap or basically just start cutting ties, finish my degree and move out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You already know the answer. Have the courage of your convictions.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The answer to your question is: "Yes, you are crazy to stay in this relationship".


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Ummm....can't your wife find a FEMALE friend? She doesn't have any friends, but the only friends she can find are MEN? Bullshyt.

Sorry, but she is manipulating you. Staying out till 5:30 am at a "work party" is ridiculous. That's not married life...that's college life. 

She knows you want no contact, and she is not willing to do that. So her "friend" is more important than your relationship. Time to do some serious thinking on getting out of there. Congrats to you for keeping your head throughout this BS and keeping sober. She is not helping you at all. You need to focus on yourself and your sobriety.

Quoting OP: "I have two options, suffer and eventually snap 

or basically just start cutting ties, finish my degree and move out." <<<<<<< THIS THIS THIS!!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

What the hell is a "work house party" and why does it last until 5:30 AM?

Swingers? Poly?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK. I just checked your "gay work husband" thread.

Get your degree and move on. She is more than toxic and definitely not wife material.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To me it's telling that she only has men friends and she's venting to men at work. 

Big, big problem. .... your wife likes male attention and that's what you're working with. 

No one guy is enough for her.

I'm not going to claim I never vent about my hb at work but it's to two close WOMEN (I'm female) friends and they are both married with nothing against my hb.

Your wife is not in a good place to be married. .... she hasn't moved past the need for a lot of male attention. 

Tell her she goes for IC and MC or you walk, and mean it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

She wants to be single and have boyfriends while you are worried about repairing the marriage. There really isn't a marriage at this point. It is all about her, her, her and her selfishness. No; you aren't crazy but it is time to detach and take some action to focus on yourself.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

I agree with what others have said. It sounds like you have a decent relation with the work guy. Ask him to help enforce the NC. If he has his **** together he may be willing to do this. Maybe once she doesn't have someone she thinks will party with her she will start thinking straight. I doubt it, but you can try. It can't make it any worse.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Find yourself another woman my friend because this one is not for a Marriage. She thinks she is 18 years old once again,she craves other man attention,she knows verry little about Marriage and what if means. Run my friend and find your happines with someone else.

Stay strong


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You basically have a Bat-sh!t-crazy wife. 

"Fix yourself" comment means...be a cuckhold husband or I'm just going to do what I want. 


Your next move needs to be at a lawyers office. 

And go dark. Complete 180. 

If you cave to any of her demands, you'll be toast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Unfortunately, given what you have told us, part of your working on yourself is probably going to require you to dump her. She is poison to your growth and self-esteem. You need to move on and find someone who isn't in need of so much male attention.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Barkmann said:


> I have two options, suffer and eventually snap or basically just start cutting ties, finish my degree and move out.


I'd advise the latter.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

notice how short the replies are???

the answer is simple!!

You just have to do it or just go ahead and torment yourself. You are going to get no help from her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

In your thread titled 'The "gay workhusband" strikes' you stated:


Barkmann said:


> My wife and her supposed "gay friend" went to a bar at noon yesterday, came back hammered at 4pm and spent the rest of the day playing rockband. I figured the party would end before that considering they had just come off a 12 hour shift on the air base.
> 
> Well long story short I came down stairs and caught them together. Her dress was hiked up and her bra was undone.


In your current thread you state:


Barkmann said:


> She picked a fight on our anniversary and brought him up saying I should "allow her" to have tuesdays nights with him...so they can go out and party.
> She kept pushing to "get her friend back" because she has a very hard time making friends with people.





Barkmann said:


> I eventually realized that if I didn't try and make peace with this guy, I'd honestly have a woman who would resent me for a very long time and my marriage wouldn't recover.


You catching them downstairs proves beyond a doubt that her supposed "gay friend" and "work husband" is not a "gay" and is more than just a friend. He is her boyfriend. How she could still be asking to let her "have tuesdays nights with him" so she "can go out and party" with her boyfriend is beyond belief. Even harder to understand is that you decided to let her go out with her boyfriend again, because you decided that if you "didn't try and make peace with this guy" she would resent you and your "marriage wouldn't recover". Dude letting your wife continue to date a guy that you caught with her "dress hiked up" and her "bra undone" is not how you make your marriage recover unless you are OK with being a cuckold.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

* Even harder to understand is that you decided to let her go out with her boyfriend again, because you decided that if you "didn't try and make peace with this guy" she would resent you and your "marriage wouldn't recover". Dude letting your wife continue to date a guy that you caught with her "dress hiked up" and her "bra undone" is not how you make your marriage recover unless you are OK with being a cuckold.*


I am still trying to make sure i read this correctly. Almost fell out of the chair.

As long as you are letting her date him on Tuesdays, why don't you leave the house so they do not have to do it in the car or rent a room.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What kind of employer would keep staff out at a party -without their spouses- until 5.30am???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> * Even harder to understand is that you decided to let her go out with her boyfriend again, because you decided that if you "didn't try and make peace with this guy" she would resent you and your "marriage wouldn't recover". Dude letting your wife continue to date a guy that you caught with her "dress hiked up" and her "bra undone" is not how you make your marriage recover unless you are OK with being a cuckold.*
> 
> 
> I am still trying to make sure i read this correctly. Almost fell out of the chair.
> ...


Plain and simple, he is trying to "nice" his wife out of the fog/affair...and that's worked like 0% of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Leave.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

jerry123 said:


> Plain and simple, he is trying to "nice" his wife out of the fog/affair...and that's worked like 0% of the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Huh? Is that really a thing? "sure honey, go bang him. hey, why not put that V of yours to good use and get us a discount on our rent?"


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

She is cheating on you with a straight guy... He is not gay.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> What kind of employer would keep staff out at a party -without their spouses- until 5.30am???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The kind that sponsors orgies??

OP- seriously- GTFO of this situation as soon as you can.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Barkmann said:


> I have two options, suffer and eventually snap or basically just start cutting ties, finish my degree and move out.


You only have one option and you need to take advantage of it. Finish your degree. If you screw that up trying to placate her, its just a matter of time before she kicks you to the curb anyway. 
She's not the type chick that should be married, at least not to you. The fact that she keeps you around while you finish your degree is a gift from her. Don't squander it Dawg.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> What kind of employer would keep staff out at a party -without their spouses- until 5.30am???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is like the "Young Lawyers Club" Christmas party in my neck of the woods. Spouses, dates, and SO were not invited for obvious reasons. During these parties, I had more beaver rubbed against me than a Oregon fir trader.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry you are here, bud. Never, EVER marry a woman who only has guy friends. It's one thing to have guy friends, it's entirely another to be completely unable to have same sex friends. That tells me that women don't like her. You should think about why that is. 

Just get out and end your misery. Live a better life.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

This thread just descended into unintentionally hilarious. Sorry OP but damn Daniel she's back at it again..

I agree with another poster, if she's going to go out on date nights on Tuesday, might as well make sure it's in the house where they are both safe.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Are we seriously responding to this? Obviously a troll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

He is not gay. She is cheating and your inactions are allowing it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You know what she's doing.

You know what he's been doing with her. Other guys too, maybe.

You know what you need to do.

The only question left that you need to answer is why you're not doing that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's the latest?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> What's the latest?



More of the same...


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## Barkmann (Feb 22, 2016)

Funny story...

We went out to a club together...all three of us...I caught him going down on another guy in the bathroom.

Meanwhile back at the legion of doom....

My wife has had two black out drunken experiences last week, and now has taken to picking fights with me as soon as I get home, or before I get home...over trivial ****.

Yesterday it was over dishes in the sink....

Today it was over me not taking a salad to work.

She doesn't think picking a fight before your husband comes home from work...over text is a good idea...more so even facebooks me and asks if I'm coming down stairs.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Barkmann said:


> Funny story...
> 
> We went out to a club together...all three of us...I caught him going down on another guy in the bathroom.
> 
> ...


I can see why you are so desirous of improving your relationship with such a wonderful woman.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Barkmann said:


> Funny story...
> 
> We went out to a club together...all three of us...I caught him going down on another guy in the bathroom.


 That is now twice that you have told us about you catching your wife's bisexual lover having sex with someone in an inappropriate setting not caring that he could get caught. In your other thread you told us about this very same guy and your wife that "I came down stairs and caught them together. Her dress was hiked up and her bra was undone", and somehow not only is she still seeing him, but you actually are required by her to be her bisexual lover's friend that you go on double dates with (you and your wife, the bi-guy and your wife). The fact that your wife's bisexual lover has sex with other people in bar bathrooms, only shows that he will take sex from anyone and anywhere that he can get it. I do not find this funny. In fact I find this very sad, and yes you are crazy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

This has to be a joke. No man that I know of or have heard about could be so...uh........uh.........uh "calm and accepting" while describing all the stupid disrespectful shyte this woman has done. Unless he is very scared of her or he just does not care.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Unless he is very scared of her or he just does not care.


If he would not care, he would not post.

So he is either scared, delusional or likes it.


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