# Thoughts on new relationships post D



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

OK I know that this is really premature as I am not even D yet (and hope not to be but suppose I will), and I know even the thought is not productive, but, as I have been thinking about it, I just want to get it off my chest and share and maybe hear some views.

OK so firstly I am 44 and have two children (3 and 6). Now in thinking about another relationship, down the line, it seems that there would be the following options:

1) A woman who is also divorced but has kids and does not want any more
2) A woman who is single but does not want kids
3) A woman who is single and wants kids

I might add that the age bracket I would look at is 30-35, maybe up to 40 (for various reasons).

Now, basically, my current thinking is that I have two kids, and while I like kids, I would not like to start the cycle all again. I feel the time now is for me to be there for *myself* as well as my kids. But, that seems to exclude a lot of potential females who would be in my target age category but, if single, would probably want kids of their own. It seems irresponsible to become interested in someone of that category, and even fall in love, only to come up against this issue which is deal breaker.
On the other hand, limiting one self to women who already have children, puts things in another perspective and category all together. Creating a new family with a new mate is one thing, while "inheriting/combining" a family with a new mate is another.
Also by the way, having kids with another mate, effectively closes the window on R down the line, if that is what you are after....

Anyway, as I started out with, I know these are not thoughts that I should be troubling myself with at this time, but they are there anyway so I thought I would share them.
I suppose in the end life will decide, i.e. if you just let life to happen. But at the same time, at least in my view, there is at least something to be said in favor of some advance consideration/thinking/planning.

Your thoughts?


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

So...what exactly are you asking here?

If you don't want to have anymore biological children, then don't. Be honest about that from the beginning.

If you don't want a blended family at your age, well...maybe plan on being single for the rest of your life. It is extremely rare to find someone in the age bracket you listed who does not already have children of their own. Of course there are exceptions, but I don't think that will be easy to find.

Blended families can work. They may take some adjustment, but don't write off someone with children. You wouldn't want a woman to write you off because of your children, would you?


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> So...what exactly are you asking here?


Not really sure :scratchhead:



SoVeryLost said:


> If you don't want to have anymore biological children, then don't. Be honest about that from the beginning.


Yes, I suppose once a relationship gets/looks serious, that should be stated (but I suppose for many women who are without kids and who's biological clock is about to explode that would be a deal breaker.



SoVeryLost said:


> If you don't want a blended family at your age, well...maybe plan on being single for the rest of your life.


No, not planning on being single for the rest of my life... 
But the context/construct of the next relationship does come ti mind.



SoVeryLost said:


> Blended families can work. They make take some adjustment, but don't write off someone with children. You wouldn't want a woman to write you off because of your children, would you?


True


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I don't think you should wait until a relationship gets serious to tell your partner you don't want any more children. It's not something you discuss on the first date obviously, but you should have that discussion way before things start to look serious.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

I tend to agree of course. I suppose my point is that this is/may be a restricting factor in how you approach possible women. Just to illustrate, I know of someone (friend of friend) who is 35 and looking for a partner but who also wants kids (as stated on her match website profile). Though I find her really interesting and would like to get to know her, I suppose no point in approaching if I know we differ on that issue. Of course it becomes a lot more tricky if you are not decided and think something like "possibly, with the right partner". Again I suppose either you make a categorical decision, or you roll with what life throws your way and take it as it comes. I don't think 44 is old, but, one has to consider practical aspects also, I suppose (I guess some with disagree about trying to be so logical/calculated about it).


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You decide what you do and don't want so you have a basic understanding of what you are looking for... and go from there.

At least that's what I'm going to do.

When the time is right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My personal thoughts are you should focus on #1 the divorced woman who has kids but doesn't want anymore.

#2 - there is reason she doesn't want kids. If she doesn't want kids then she's not going to be very good stepmom to yours. She also will have no idea what it means to be a parent. And yes I'm generalizing. I'm sure there could be some lovely single women who for whatever reason chose to be childless. 

#3 - Do you really want to start a new family at age 44? I'm 46 and DONE. No way would I start over at this age.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My personal thoughts are you should focus on #1 the divorced woman who has kids but doesn't want anymore.


Basically what I am thinking, but, and I am ashamed to say this, I would want someone who is young enough to support my desire and self image (I look much younger and feel younger also).



Mavash. said:


> #2 - there is reason she doesn't want kids.


Yes, all things being equal, have considered this also.



Mavash. said:


> #3 - Do you really want to start a new family at age 44?


Basically no, I would not. But I suppose never say never, right? What if you meet the woman of your dreams?


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

My STBXH has three children from his first marriage. We are 18 years apart. We had many discussions about a child of our own as I wanted to be a mother of course. So when I was 25 and he 43 we welcomed our son into the world. 5 years later we're now getting divorced, but I know he doesn't regret having our son. How could you ever regret a child? That being said, put a lot of thought into what *you* want. Not what the woman of your dreams might want. If you don't want to start a new family, don't. You will likely resent that woman of your dreams down the road and end up back here again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

Firstly, sorry your second relationship didn't work out either! (if you would allow me to say as much without knowing anything).



SoVeryLost said:


> That being said, put a lot of thought into what *you*want.


I suppose this is obvious but so very true.

Again I would just go back to the practical aspect which is, if you find someone nice, date her, but make it clear that you don't plan on any children (or actually, don't date her if you don't want to end up with a dilemma in the first place). And second thought, if you feel she is serious and you don't feel the same way (about kids that is), I think the amicable thing to do would be to let her go and seek a proper mate who has the same wishes. Well who knows, easy to say, but who knows what life may through your way!

Anyway, and I digress, it is clear to me now that I am NOT in the position to date and have to take a lot of time out to be with me, my process and my thoughts (which does not mean I should not socialize, I want to, just not give anyone an illusion that something is what it is not. And by the way, no, I don't want sec for now thank you very much... ha ha).


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Oh, it wasn't my second relationship. It was his. 

I'm easing myself into the dating world and let me tell you...opportunities at my age and in my location aren't exactly what I would classify as plentiful. If I excluded every guy who had a kid, I'd be guaranteeing myself a single life. 

Good luck to you, when you find you're ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> Basically what I am thinking, but, and I am ashamed to say this, I would want someone who is young enough to support my desire and self image (I look much younger and feel younger also).


If I ever dated again I'd likely go for someone in their late 30's even though I'm 46. I look younger than I am, am in great shape and all my friends are 31-40 now.



> Basically no, I would not. But I suppose never say never, right? What if you meet the woman of your dreams?


I'm female but still I do NOT want anymore kids. Lets assume that I were physically capable of getting pregnant would I do it for the man of my dreams? NOT no but hell no. LOL I'm not doing diapers, middle of the night feedings, potty training again. I just got all 3 of mine in school - my youngest is 6 so no way would I start over at this age.


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## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

@SVL - sorry, my bad

@Mavash - LOL I hear you!


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Mavash - maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I should be looking for some young buck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Mavash - maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I should be looking for some young buck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My 42 year old divorced sister is with a 36 year old cutie/nice guy. They've each got 1 kid at home. She doesn't look her age either.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Mavash - maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I should be looking for some young buck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












Hehe...Thats what I am going for.. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My 42 year old divorced sister is with a 36 year old cutie/nice guy. They've each got 1 kid at home. She doesn't look her age either.


Yeah, I can see how that would work. I don't know if I want a guy in his 20s though. But I suppose I shouldn't restrict myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Yeah, I can see how that would work. I don't know if I want a guy in his 20s though. But I suppose I shouldn't restrict myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In your case I wouldn't go any younger than 29 and I wouldn't marry until they were 33-34. This is my personal theory about how old people are when they mature and how long they can hide their baggage.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I agree. I highly, highly doubt I'll ever marry again, but as far as dating goes I've kept my range between 28-40.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

eyesopen said:


> Yes, I suppose once a relationship gets/looks serious, that should be stated (but I suppose for many women who are without kids and who's biological clock is about to explode *that would be a deal breaker*.


There are actually a lot of deal breakers in dating. Probably even more if you're doing it with the intention of finding your next marriage. Kids are certainly a big one, but the point of dating is to weed those options out. And if they don't feel the same way, then they aren't the partner of your dreams!

I mean for me, of course kids are a major one. But my list also includes very strong feelings about appearance, employment, interests, smoking....if they don't all come together into one person, then I'll just keep looking I suppose. There are lots of areas to compromise on, but it's important to realize that you're not going to be happy giving in on your biggies.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

SoVeryLost said:


> I agree. I highly, highly doubt I'll ever marry again, but as far as dating goes I've kept my range between 28-40.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey SVL,

I doubt I'll ever marry again. Curious as to why you wouldn't remarry?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I doubt I will marry again either.. Once bitten, twice shy


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