# Emotional detachment leads to PA?



## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

For those on either side of the A, do you have any insight into how an emotional detachment from the M somehow led you down the path of having a PA? 

My WW was not interested in having any intimacy with me, and had really withdrawn herself from our relationship. I did everything I could to try to help her out of her funk, but yet when we were in the middle of MC, she went and had a PA. She wasn't interested in sex in general, but yet went and had it with another man. I guess it's hard to understand how an emotional disconnect with your spouse leads you to go and have a physical relationship with someone else. She actually did this on 3 separate occasions, once prior to MC and twice while in MC.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What are you clinging on to? Your marriage is dead and she is hopeless.. It is time to stop being sad and pathetic, start being angry. Accept that your marriage has ended


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

This all happened many years ago, and we are 1-year into R. We are actually doing fairly well, considering where we were a year ago. It's a process and we are still working through various issues as they come up. Our old marriage HAS ended, and we are working on our new marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

My bad, I was thinking that she had one more ONS recently in the MC


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and understanding as you have been?


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

Sorry if I was vague. We were in MC a number of years ago when she was having her issues back then, and we were in MC this past spring/summer trying to work things out after D-Day (when I found out about her cheating years earlier).


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

I think it has helped soften the blow to a degree that it happened many years ago. If I found out last year that she was currently having an affair, I think it would have been easier to walk away. I think she would have a similar outlook if the roles were reversed and she found out many years down the road. It doesn't make it any less wrong or painful, I think it just somewhat softens the blow. This was something I had issue with for a long time last spring. Essentially what it said to her was that if you lie, cover it up and push off finding out the truth for long enough, it won't be as bad when it comes out. I understand what you are saying bryanp. I have come to grips with what she has done, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around why and how it got to the point of being physical.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is not necessary that all emotional detachments lead to PA. There are many factors that lead to PA. Often, the emotional detachment happens during A.

Coming to your case, is PA your break point? If so, you already have the answer. She had PA many years ago. 

*Essentially what it said to her was that if you lie, cover it up and push off finding out the truth for long enough, it won't be as bad when it comes out.
*

This is worrying.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> *Essentially what it said to her was that if you lie, cover it up and push off finding out the truth for long enough, it won't be as bad when it comes out.
> *
> 
> This is worrying.



Those aren't her words, that was my outlook on what her course of actions (the lying, denying, etc.) essentially taught her in the end, assuming I stayed. That was troubling to me, and was hard to move past. 

Her words to describe why she didn't tell me the truth at the time or over the years (until I found out and confronted her) were, "The truth wasn't an option". Our MC supported her in saying that. She didn't agree that lying was okay or supported her in her lying and deceiving me, just that she could see the situation through my wife's eyes and understood that telling me the truth didn't feel like an option at the time. I tend to disagree, but at this point I can't change her actions.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> Those aren't her words, that was my outlook on what her course of actions (the lying, denying, etc.) essentially taught her in the end, assuming I stayed. That was troubling to me, and was hard to move past.
> 
> Her words to describe why she didn't tell me the truth at the time or over the years (until I found out and confronted her) were, "The truth wasn't an option". Our MC supported her in saying that. She didn't agree that lying was okay or supported her in her lying and deceiving me, just that she could see the situation through my wife's eyes and understood that telling me the truth didn't feel like an option at the time. I tend to disagree, but at this point I can't change her actions.


I really hope you have found another MC. Any MC who supports lying to a spouse is an idiot.

Also you need to realize that if "The truth wasn't an option" and that attitude was accepted and supported, then the truth is not an option now. How can you R when your wife has told you that lying is acceptable?

Even after all this time, it that attitude alone would be hard for me to take.


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## SadLovingHusband (Apr 21, 2011)

SadLovingHusband said:


> *For those on either side of the A, do you have any insight into how an emotional detachment from the M somehow led you down the path of having a PA? *
> 
> My WW was not interested in having any intimacy with me, and had really withdrawn herself from our relationship. I did everything I could to try to help her out of her funk, but yet when we were in the middle of MC, she went and had a PA. She wasn't interested in sex in general, but yet went and had it with another man. I guess it's hard to understand how an emotional disconnect with your spouse leads you to go and have a physical relationship with someone else. She actually did this on 3 separate occasions, once prior to MC and twice while in MC.


I agree that full disclosure is a vital part of a successful marriage. Secrets don't promote intimacy. This has gotten off topic though, anyone have any insight into my question?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

SadLovingHusband said:


> For those on either side of the A, do you have any insight into how an emotional detachment from the M somehow led you down the path of having a PA?
> 
> My WW was not interested in having any intimacy with me, and had really withdrawn herself from our relationship. I did everything I could to try to help her out of her funk, but yet when we were in the middle of MC, she went and had a PA. She wasn't interested in sex in general, but yet went and had it with another man. I guess it's hard to understand how an emotional disconnect with your spouse leads you to go and have a physical relationship with someone else. She actually did this on 3 separate occasions, once prior to MC and twice while in MC.



Okay--focusing on your question and not on where you are now or getting off track--I'll take a stab at this. I am a former disloyal spouse, and emotional detachment was part of it. 

You ask "how does emotional detachment lead to PA?" Speaking only for myself, sex is an expression of intimacy, and intimacy isn't started in the body--it's started in the mind. That's why they say the largest sex organ is the mind!  Thus, even if a male person knew exactly the combination to my "safe," if there isn't an emotional and mental connection...well okay the body reacts but it's not as an intimate connection. 

To me, intimacy means knowing me and caring about me--finding me interesting, smart and funny. Enjoying my company. Taking the time to talk to me, listen to me, and pay attention. Making the effort to do things that include me and please me. (Now granted, the same is what I am expected to provide my husband!) However, what often happens in a marriage is that both spouses get somewhat neglectful, they slow down on the things that build love and the things that kill love...those things gradually increase. So there's no emotional or mental connection, no time or effort is invested...and emotionally the two detach. With no emotional connection, physical connection is like "going through the motions" and that gets...well it gets tiresome rather than enjoyable!!

About that time, enter the Other Person (OP) stage left. THAT person spends time talking and listening, makes the efforts, acts like the WANT to get to know you... There is emotional connection instead of detachment, and as the two get to know each other more and more, it becomes intimate. When people have a close emotional and mental connection eventually they want to express it physically. 

In conclusion, bear in mind that this is not meant to say: "It's your fault you two emotionally disconnected." On her side, if she was feeling disconnected or sex was feeling tiresome due to the disconnect, she made a promise to you that she would reach out to YOU...not someone else. Furthermore, you even said that you try to help her out of her funk, and her responsibility was to do the work to get out it to make her marriage more intimate! So see what I'm saying? 

However, you ASKED how emotional detachment leads to PA, and this how it happens. For me, we had a miscarriage, Dear Hubby and I found out we were unable to have more kids, he went "uncommunicative" and I felt SO ignored and unwanted. Then OP came along and pursued me hard and acted like I was a breath of fresh air! I fell for it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

bryanp said:


> I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and understanding as you have been?


BP, most cheaters can't stand to be cheated on. So no, we won't stay with our spouses if they had cheated on us. Sickening isn't it.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm not sure I can call what my wife experienced as emotional detachment although I would say that anyone that engages in an affair is detached from their spouse in some way. Does that lead to a PA? I think the transition to a PA is a likely extension of any affair if the APs continue to develop their relationship.

When my wife and I first met she liked and admired many of my qualities. Unfortunately over time as she became unhappy in our marriage these qualities became negatives and she began to magnify them until she convinced herself that I was not emotionally connected with her. In fact, during her affair she told herself that I never loved her and she started to believe that I was incapable of loving anyone.

For example, I am a very deliberate and methodical person by nature. I rarely make hasty decisions preferring to think first and act once I decide an appropriate course of action. In my wife's mind that quality became indecisiveness and eventually she came to think I didn't really make decisions at all but let the chips fall where they may so to speak.

Another quality that I have is that I do not tend to anger easily. I keep my emotions in check because I have always believed that emotional outbursts show weakness. When we were dating my wife used to admire my coolness under pressure. Some time after we married she began to think I did not have an emotional connection with her. This turned into a belief that I was cold. During her affair I became an emotionless monster and potentially psychopathic. It was only when she saw me playing with our son and how animated we both were that she realized that I was not the automaton she had created in her mind.

Not only is the affair itself a fantasy but often the marriage becomes a twisted version of reality in order to justify what the WS is doing and assuage guilt. So in your specific case it may very well have been that your wife saw your marriage as a shadow of what it really was and therefore your attempt to "help her out of her funk" was in essence seen as a false attempt at control or manipulation. My wife still has trouble sometimes putting her actions into words that really explain them. She says its almost like she was under the influence of a drug that dulled her senses and clouded her judgement.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Not exactly sure if this applies to your situation but I think morituri posted it in a different thread that PA is the currency the WS pays to fulfill her EA. The OM was filling her other needs and she repays through PA. This does not apply to everyone though.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

A PA can occur even if there is an emotional connection between spouses (i.e. mine, badblood, oldmittens, lascarx, etc). Our ex-wives were not looking to fill some unfulfilled need for attention from us with their OM. They were simply broken women.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Morituri---gave you a good answer----maybe the disconnect was caused by her pursuit/his pursuit of each other

Those in an A., think of nothing more than their AP---what is it Limerance----there is no one else---sure their Spouse, and kids are there, and the know they are there, but they are meaningless, to what has to be, and that is that connection to their A. partner---after its over, they find it wasn't so great, and will come back, to reality, and their spouse, based on what their needs are., and what the spouse will allow/put up with.

You were demonized, to justify what she was doing----WHY she did it---that only she can tell you----Her not telling you, you know the drill---why would she volunteer to destroy her life---for if she tells you---life for everyone including her dies, and who knows what will come from the chaos, she brought about---she wasn't gonna allow that to happen, if she can avoid it.


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