# How do you accept your husband is attracted to/interested in other women?



## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

Hello ladies,
I am new here...
I have a problem I have been dealing with and it is eating me up inside. I cant talk to my husband about it because he will only continue to deny it or get angry with me for the way I am feeling. I have been married for a year and a half and I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl end of January. And well, our entire relationship and marriage, we have had some problems.. but they were all about either money/budget or other stupid things like bad habits around the house or lack of effort in the marriage, sometimes we would have some issues with anger and lots of fighting that turned physical. I could deal with all of that, but cheating was just one thing we both agreed we could simply not deal with and we would both draw our lines for cheating as even looking at other men/women. Well, thru out all of our problems and issues, I held onto the fact my husband only had eyes for me and loved me and my body sooo much. And I felt this way because this is how he would act! He would always tell me I have an amazing body, even when pregnant.. and whenever a "****ty" or half dressed woman was on a webpage or something he would tell me he doesnt want to look at that "Sh*t" and would quickly look away or change the page. Anyhow, I took pride in this and felt so special because I felt the same way! I felt like he was the handsomest man in the world and even in my dreams, they were all about him... no one could compare to him! I know men are very visual creatures and always felt there is no such thing as a man who could possibly only be attracted to/want one woman, but as we are both christians and as he has always told me and showed me, is that he, as a God fearing man saw me and no one else could compare in his eyes. 
Well, I decided to look at his internet history a week after giving birth (natural birth at home: so we were having such a great bonding time during this time), and I found that when I was 8 months pregnant he had went out on his own and searched for and looked at ****ty music videos, the same types of music videos he would always say, He doesnt want to see so adamentaly... and he had also clicked on articles of other celebrity women where the title was "look at her sexy bikini body on the beach" and also he had clicked on a link about this one woman "Amber Rose" who really is not known for anything but being a stripper turned socialite because she dated a famous rapper, and the article said "see her stunning before and after pregnancy photos!". I asked him about why he was interested in that article (since he is a guy and it didnt make sense to me why a guy would be interested in that) and he said he was looking at if it mentioned how she lost her baby weight, what diets she tried and exercises etc. Well now I am really offended because I had not even given birth yet and here he had been looking at ways for me to lose my baby weight already? And not to mention I was not an overweight pregnant woman whatsoever. In fact, at now two weeks postpartum, I am already back down to my pre pregnancy body!! So anyhow. Another thing is his other internet history had been deleted and he has a password code on his browser for his phone. So Now I am just completely shattered... Yes I know, many women have worse things they deal with when it comes to infidelity or trust issues... but this was a huge blow for me. Maybe its because I was pregnant at the time and found out RIGHT after giving birth... But I seriously dont know how to deal with this. I cry all of the time now. And I hate going online now where articles are or where sexy pictures of women are because now I know there are chances he will click on them or be interested in them, where just a month ago I had thought I was the only one he could ever even think of or have interest in in that way. I just dont know how to deal with my husband being attracted to other women after the way he had went literally OUT OF HIS WAY all of this time to make me believe he was not....


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

With a frying pan upside his head.

I was married for 15 years and obviously I know there are a lot of beautiful women out there, but I did not flirt or ogle or whatever...

All that leads to trouble and I made a promise. The thing is I meant my promise. I would never betray her and I would not be so disrespectful as to do anything like flirt with another woman ever.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> With a frying pan upside his head.
> 
> I was married for 15 years and obviously I know there are a lot of beautiful women out there, but I did not flirt or ogle or whatever...
> 
> All that leads to trouble and I made a promise. The thing is I meant my promise. I would never betray her and I would not be so disrespectful as to do anything like flirt with another woman ever.


Same advice you would give a man? A frying pan upside the head of a woman who looked at another man? Ridiculous. 
I do not know why this is in coping with infidelity.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Men look at women.

You are going to have to deal with that.

That being said, he can be delicate about it. He can control himself such that he does not do that in a way that offends or humiliates you.

I am inclined to think there is middle ground here.

My main concern is he is playing cat and mouse games with you rather than negotiating this.

The evasiveness he's demonstrating is a serious concern. I don't care myself that he's looking at women, my concern is how little maturity he's demonstrating here in responding to your concerns.

That maturity is going to transfer elsewhere when he gets more seriously tempted.

How is he going to handle himself when an attractive woman hits on him?

Your concerns are misplaced. But your actual alarms going off in my opinion are well warranted.

Just not for the reasons you think, but for where this may go long term if he does not grow up and be forthright with you.

Men look at women, and he has to stop lying to you and tell you that. If he looks at women and lies, where is that going to end?

He is showing a lot of immaturity and deception. That is what you ought be concerned about, not women in bikinis.

Why are you concerned about him looking at women in bikinis and not concerned about how deceptive and immature he's behaving?


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

MovingAhead said:


> With a frying pan upside his head.


Tough love, eh?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol my wife is jealous like that.

Otoh she is hot for the property brothers and that guy on hgtv who renovates basements into apartments... Does not bother me. I know damn well they are hotter than me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I accept that my husband is human, alive, and heterosexual and thus will look at other women. I've also made very clear that what's good for the goose is also good for the gander. Take that as you will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Richie,

Of course I was being tongue and cheek. Sometimes, we take ourselves a little to seriously. Metaphor and Hyperbole are fine.

If I am with a woman and she looks as in stares at another man, well then I would pretty much would conclude that evening and be done with her. That is absolutely disrespectful. Basically they are saying I'd rather be with that person but I guess I'm stuck with you.

Men don't look at women. Boys look at girls. Boys don't know how to treat or appreciate women. If I am on a date, there are no other women that I would look at. I chose to be with the person I am with and I will enjoy their presence so I don't ogle. To do something like that makes the woman that you are with feel inferior and insignificant and if you can't put their feelings above your instincts then you may very well be an adult male, but you are not a man.

If I see a beautiful woman on the street, of course I notice her and I appreciate it, but I don't stare or look for excuses to approach her. 

When I was married, I had very attractive women approach me, but I never put myself in a position to be alone with them, simply because we are all human and I had made a promise to someone else. I just happen to mean what I say. I think that is really most of the difference between men and boys anymore.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Go seek counseling for your poor self esteem. Any red blooded heterosexual man is gonna look at and lust after a woman he finds attractive.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> Go seek counseling for your poor self esteem. Any red blooded heterosexual man is gonna look at and lust after a woman he finds attractive.


As long as he is well mannered about it.

Some guys do allow their drives to get ahead of what a grown adult ought to behave like.

I am more concerned with his immature way of responding to your concerns.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think its just low self esteem as many of you are saying to the OP, he's looking at before and after pregnancy pictures. Come on she hasn't had the baby yet and he's already looking for ways for her to lose the weight. I would be offended too. 

He sounds like a jerk to me.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I totally agree with what most people are saying here. I believe you may be feeling a bit over sensitive given you have just had a baby and feel pressure to have a perfect body so your husband won't feel the need to look at other women. 
The problem with that is you forget that he is human. And a hot blooded male at that. If attracted to women, a man will ALWAYS have a look at other women, if even a sneaky look as not to upset the wife.
My only concern would be his comments about Amber Rose's after baby body and suggesting you to do the same... that's the only part I'd take offense to. I hope you gave him 'what for' for that one!
You never mentioned sex in your post so I don't know your frequency especially towards the end of your pregnancy... if it's been a while maybe this is how he gets his release? t least he isn't chatting to women on the net or going 'fishing' for one at the local pub.
I'd say you need to work on your own insecurity- by all means you can tell him how uncomfortable his browsing habit makes you- but I don't see this as a problem for your marriage.
Unless his looking at a couple of pictures of women turns into a masturbation issue where he won't have sex with you because of it, then there IS NO ISSUE.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

justmeandmygirls said:


> I just dont know how to deal with my husband being attracted to other women after the way he had went literally OUT OF HIS WAY all of this time to make me believe he was not....


If you read this forum very much, you'll see a HUGE number of BS (me included) saying that they never thought their partner would ever cheat. That's mistake #1 in the infidelity realm, so thinking (even if your partner goes out of his way to make you believe it) that a man is never going to look at another woman, is naive. It's always difficult when your perception of your partner is challenged, it's going to be a lot more difficult if your expectations are so high that no normal human being could possibly ever meet them.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I responded very similar to your husband when I got caught looking at porn. It is defense at getting caught. Perhaps immature, perhaps stupid.

I will make these suggestions. Talk about passwords, deleting history on the computer, etc. I would suggest that all techno stuff, phone, computer, etc. I open to inspection at any time. It goes for both of you.

I would tell him that you are here to help him with his struggles and that he needs to share them with you, to be open and honest with you. You will need to have a tender heart on this one, but be persistant.

I would suggest you don't threaten him or "punish" him. He may be sincere in his views about viewing these things but temptation is tough. He will take it further underground where you think everything is fine and then one day he will mess up and you will find things. You and he does not want this. YOu both can nip this in the bud. Seek out a person who deals with this stuff and can help both of you.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

"and whenever a "****ty" or half dressed woman was on a webpage or something he would tell me he doesnt want to look at that "Sh*t" and would quickly look away or change the page."


Seems to be a pattern... Those most critical of strippers and "****s" are often those who are unusually infatuated with them. It's like they are trying to compensate for their real feelings which they consider "wrong." Or maybe it's just my personal experience speaking. My "sex addict" husband said the same kinds of things and looked at prostitutes with disdain. Then what do you know - he's seeking them out. 

That said, I agree with AllanA. You should be concerned about the deception and the space between what he really feels and says he feels. The before and after baby weight pic thing is weird, too. 

Altogether, it's not at a point where it is worth it to accuse him of anything or to make him feel cornered. Rather, this is a good opportunity to focus on improved communication, clear (and REALISTIC) expectations, and transparency. 

You are in for a lot of upset if you believe your husband should not feel attracted to other women. Thoughts and fantasies, however, are a whole other game when they enter the action-realm.

You asked, "how do you accept your husband is attracted to/interested in other woman?" I went through a period of time where I had the same feeling, though I never expressed it to him or anyone. I guess read up on biology and convince yourself that it's not your husband but human nature. Also, with time you will come to accept it, however begrudgingly. At some point, you may even find yourself fantasizing about another man. It seems impossible now, but time and life experiences shake up our previous assumptions. I guess you grow up. But you still remember that even granting attraction to others, actions are what ultimately count. 

It's okay to feel hurt about this, but you do need to acknowledge reality and what is fair to ask for given human nature and biology. You'll be fine. It just might take some time to adjust your expectations and be sure you are both on the same page.


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## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> Men look at women.
> 
> You are going to have to deal with that.
> 
> ...


Sorry my reply is so late, I have been trying to avoid thinking about the situation since. But Actually what you say about the lies and immaturity... that is now what the real issue is. He has been caught in many lies before... over money, and just ridiculous things.. for example: I bought two scones from a coffee shop the other day and fell asleep for a few hours without finishing mine. And I had it beside my bed so I went looking for it when I awoke and could not find it. I went into the nursery where he had been resting and saw his empty scone package with my drink that was now empty, so I asked him if he drank my drink and he said yes he did and he will get me another one. So I asked him if he ate my scone as well and he said no he did not. I asked him, I know you ate yours, but I had a half eaten scone left and it was right beside my bed and it couldn't possibly have just disappeared on it own. He adamantly said oh no I definitely did not eat your scone, only mine. And he was so believable and went on and on about how he definitely did not eat my scone that i actually felt like i had gone crazy and my scone must have magically disappeared. Then the next day he comes home from work with a scone for me and he tells me he did eat my scone after all. Its just so ridiculous. i know its just a scone, but the way he lies is just so easily, it scares me! For many of the things his history showed he clicked on he tells me he never clicked on them as if they magically appeared out of nowhere. The same woman's videos, just so happened to be clicked on twice? Right. I just wish he would tell me the truth so I can just deal with the facts and get over the fact my husband is not the angel I thought he was. No one is perfect and I could accept in the end that he has his weaknesses in being attracted to other women, and we could work on that.. but he doesn't acknowledge any of the things he has looked at or done at all. In fact he gets angry with ME and tells me I am a lunatic for even thinking he would look at things like that and I need to really "knock it off already" and stop accusing him of things he would never do and never did. I feel like i'm going to lose my mind just by trying to get him to at least acknowledge that he hurt me... but nope, I get nothing and in the end I am made to look like the one who is doing him wrong. Really, its the lying that hurts me now more than anything. I guess I should mention that when we first began dating, he proposed to me and I accepted only to find out he was still married to the mother of his children. They had been separated for 2 years at the time, she had cheated on him thru out the marriage, he cheated on her thru out the marriage etc etc... and they began the divorce process soon after I found out and left him, but still... he lied to me and would promise on jesus and on his children and everything just to keep me in the dark about things. I wish I never forgave him... because his lies never seem to have ended....  It is so unfair when people lie to you because you never know fully what you are dealing with until it slaps you in the face later.. but by then your entire life is tangled up in lies they created!
I am a stupid stupid woman!!


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## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

mablenc said:


> I don't think its just low self esteem as many of you are saying to the OP, he's looking at before and after pregnancy pictures. Come on she hasn't had the baby yet and he's already looking for ways for her to lose the weight. I would be offended too.
> 
> He sounds like a jerk to me.


Exactly... not to mention he suggested while I was pregnant that we run a marathon together a month after I give birth! He said it sounded like a romantic thing to do... um I have never worked out a day in my life... but this is his idea all of a sudden on how to romance his wife?? Then he jokes to me that if my daughter gives me saggy boobs he and her are going to fight. I just feel like CRAP at this point!!


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## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

Kylie84 said:


> I totally agree with what most people are saying here. I believe you may be feeling a bit over sensitive given you have just had a baby and feel pressure to have a perfect body so your husband won't feel the need to look at other women.
> The problem with that is you forget that he is human. And a hot blooded male at that. If attracted to women, a man will ALWAYS have a look at other women, if even a sneaky look as not to upset the wife.
> My only concern would be his comments about Amber Rose's after baby body and suggesting you to do the same... that's the only part I'd take offense to. I hope you gave him 'what for' for that one!
> You never mentioned sex in your post so I don't know your frequency especially towards the end of your pregnancy... if it's been a while maybe this is how he gets his release? t least he isn't chatting to women on the net or going 'fishing' for one at the local pub.
> ...


Oh trust me, we were making love all the way until the day I gave birth and then we began to have sex again two weeks after having the baby.. so this man is not sex deprived whatsoever...if he wants it, he gets it...
Also, I dont know what he was doing when he watched that video of the woman gyrating and stripping.. but I saw that he stayed on that video for ten minutes straight! Who knows... guess I never will, thats for sure.


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## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

DeterminedToThrive said:


> If you read this forum very much, you'll see a HUGE number of BS (me included) saying that they never thought their partner would ever cheat. That's mistake #1 in the infidelity realm, so thinking (even if your partner goes out of his way to make you believe it) that a man is never going to look at another woman, is naive. It's always difficult when your perception of your partner is challenged, it's going to be a lot more difficult if your expectations are so high that no normal human being could possibly ever meet them.


I understand.. I just wish he didnt go out of his way to such extremes to make me believe he was this angelic creature who all of a sudden became blind to the outside world when i walked into his life. That's why it was a blow to me.. because of things HE has drilled into my mind on his own account. And probably also because for me, it is possible to not be attracted to anyone else but your spouse... since I feel that way about him myself...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

justmeandmygirls said:


> Hello ladies,
> I have been married for a year and a half...And well, our entire relationship and marriage, we have had some problems... sometimes we would have some issues with anger and lots of fighting *that turned physical*. *I could deal with all of that*





> its the lying that hurts me now more than anything. I guess I should mention that *when we first began dating, he proposed to me and I accepted only to find out he was still married* to the mother of his children. They had been separated for 2 years at the time, *she had cheated on him thru out the marriage, he cheated on her thru out the marriage *


I dare say you have much larger problems than whether he looks at scantily-clad women! You have physical assaults (you on him? him on you? both?) And yet, you "could deal with all that"?!? That is very messed-up thinking and NOT something your child(ren) should witness!

You KNEW he was a liar and a chronic cheater before you married him. And yet, you married him anyway. I'm guessing you thought he would change after being married to you. He hasn't.

You need to get into IC to find out why you accept such shabby treatment.

He needs to get into IC to find out why he lies constantly and cheats.

After you've both had 6 months of successful IC, you should have some marital counseling to see if this is a marriage that should be worked on or if you should each cut your losses and move on.

You're never going to figure it out in the midst of this much disfunctionality and physical assaults.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP.

There are wayyyy bigger issues with both of you than the thrread title.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I dare say you have much larger problems than whether he looks at scantily-clad women! You have physical assaults (you on him? him on you? both?) And yet, you "could deal with all that"?!? That is very messed-up thinking and NOT something your child(ren) should witness!
> 
> You KNEW he was a liar and a chronic cheater before you married him. And yet, you married him anyway. I'm guessing you thought he would change after being married to you. He hasn't.
> 
> ...


That pretty much says it all...

:iagree:


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## justmeandmygirls (Feb 16, 2014)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I dare say you have much larger problems than whether he looks at scantily-clad women! You have physical assaults (you on him? him on you? both?) And yet, you "could deal with all that"?!? That is very messed-up thinking and NOT something your child(ren) should witness!
> 
> You KNEW he was a liar and a chronic cheater before you married him. And yet, you married him anyway. I'm guessing you thought he would change after being married to you. He hasn't.
> 
> ...


True, but I did not know everything due to all of the lying until I had already been dating him for awhile and my daughter from a previous relationship called him father by then, and I was deeply in love with him. Up until things began to come out he explained everything away. I thought his ex was this horrible person and believed it because she ended up marrying his first cousin a month after the divorce was finalized. It is hard to explain away your foolishness for believing in someone unless you have been thru all of the lying that went on to get to that point of being such a fool in it. Yes, they turned physical... thru out my pregnancy as well. It is harder to leave now since I have two little girls... but yes, that is on the table now after all of this and still no change in him. Thanks for all of the advice. Yes, there are many problems that go deeper than the title of the thread, I just didnt want to go THAT deep into it in this one thread and some things I guess I overlook more than I should but your right.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Lol my wife is jealous like that.
> 
> Otoh she is hot for the property brothers and that guy on hgtv who renovates basements into apartments... Does not bother me. I know damn well they are hotter than me.


The difference is, she is honest about it. OP husband had made her believe something about him that he is not. He has put forward a very false persona. One that cuts to the core of the relationship. And if he has put across a persona of which he is clearly not...the only next step that follows is to start to wonder what else is he hiding? How deep does this falseness go? And what is he capable of?

Which is what every person who comes here with an issue of infidelity is thinking.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

deleted


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please break your posts into paragraphs, ok? it's so much easier to read than such big blocks of text. Thanks!

Now, he learned to lie when he was a kid. So it's ingrained in him. What you're going to have to do is prove to him that telling the truth will get him better results with you than telling a lie. Lots and lots of discussion about this, ok? Every time you catch him in a lie, you're going to have to have the talk again. And every time you see him telling the truth, give him a great reward. Basically, reprogramming him.

As for the women, some men grow up to be crude *****mongers; they just do. What YOU will need to do, however, is set some rules about acceptable behavior. Consequences.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

justmeandmygirls said:


> Sorry my reply is so late, I have been trying to avoid thinking about the situation since. But Actually what you say about the lies and immaturity... that is now what the real issue is. He has been caught in many lies before... over money, and just ridiculous things.. for example: I bought two scones from a coffee shop the other day and fell asleep for a few hours without finishing mine. And I had it beside my bed so I went looking for it when I awoke and could not find it. I went into the nursery where he had been resting and saw his empty scone package with my drink that was now empty, so I asked him if he drank my drink and he said yes he did and he will get me another one. So I asked him if he ate my scone as well and he said no he did not. I asked him, I know you ate yours, but I had a half eaten scone left and it was right beside my bed and it couldn't possibly have just disappeared on it own. He adamantly said oh no I definitely did not eat your scone, only mine. And he was so believable and went on and on about how he definitely did not eat my scone that i actually felt like i had gone crazy and my scone must have magically disappeared. Then the next day he comes home from work with a scone for me and he tells me he did eat my scone after all. Its just so ridiculous. i know its just a scone, but the way he lies is just so easily, it scares me! For many of the things his history showed he clicked on he tells me he never clicked on them as if they magically appeared out of nowhere. The same woman's videos, just so happened to be clicked on twice? Right. I just wish he would tell me the truth so I can just deal with the facts and get over the fact my husband is not the angel I thought he was. No one is perfect and I could accept in the end that he has his weaknesses in being attracted to other women, and we could work on that.. *but he doesn't acknowledge any of the things he has looked at or done at all. In fact he gets angry with ME and tells me I am a lunatic for even thinking he would look at things like that and I need to really "knock it off already" and stop accusing him of things he would never do and never did. I feel like i'm going to lose my mind just by trying to get him to at least acknowledge that he hurt me... but nope, I get nothing and in the end I am made to look like the one who is doing him wrong. *Really, its the lying that hurts me now more than anything. I guess I should mention that when we first began dating, he proposed to me and I accepted only to find out he was still married to the mother of his children. They had been separated for 2 years at the time, she had cheated on him thru out the marriage, he cheated on her thru out the marriage etc etc... and they began the divorce process soon after I found out and left him, but still... he lied to me and would promise on jesus and on his children and everything just to keep me in the dark about things. I wish I never forgave him... because his lies never seem to have ended....  It is so unfair when people lie to you because you never know fully what you are dealing with until it slaps you in the face later.. but by then your entire life is tangled up in lies they created!
> I am a stupid stupid woman!!


Read more on liar's behaviour. Especially guilty liars. And gaslighting...this is what your husband is doing to you. He is throwing things back at you, getting angry and defensive, and making out this is all your fault. The purpose is to get you off his back, to throw you off the scent, to stop ruining his 'fun', albeit guilty fun. This Is classic manipulative behaviour. Text book. 

I would get off his back and quietly dig deeper if I was you... If you can be bothered, if he is worth the effort. He is probably looking at porn. Don't reveal what you know or how..he will only be taught by you how to house it better. What is needed for him is some major personality changes and some consequences for his behaviour and actions.

I wouldn't believe his reasons for why him and his ex split either. Can you find out why from a neutral source?

Oh, and he will probably never admit being wrong... or at least he won't mean it. I am afraid you got a real poor hand with him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*sometimes we would have some issues with anger and lots of fighting that turned physical. I could deal with all of that...*

Physical violence? Can't be doing with that. No. Not at all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps I'd better explain. My first LTR girlfriend has nearly been beaten to death by her ex-husband. 

She admitted it clouded her view of any relationship with men.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think the difference is between looking and then staring her down. Dh is not blind and neither am I but one has to be respectful towards your spouse and the person you are checking out

I do know that the longer I have been married the less I am even concerned about him looking, and to be fair I get my share of stares from men also. The more confident I became in his love and devotion the less I worried about trivial things. Just my 2 cents


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> OP.
> 
> There are wayyyy bigger issues with both of you than the thrread title.


:iagree::iagree:


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