# Need some advice/destabilized my marriage/Need some saHow to put the train back on its tracks



## FrenchmanFl1968 (4 mo ago)

Hi everyone (and thank you in advance for stopping by),

Will try my best to summarize: Married 5 years. I love her and know that she loves me. She is a wonderful kind woman. My 2nd marriage, have a child with the first but my wife's last husband was (not good for her, had kids from a previous marriage and denied my wife the opportunity. She is very maternal. She is very silent strong type). 

She is a realtor 3 years and has expressed, since jumping in herself, the desire for me to become one as well. She is Italian (language insecurities) and I have been in corporate sales for 30 years. I was having some issues with my company and after 5 years with them decided to quit (for my own reasons) and pursue a path that would offer me greater financial opportunity and control/decision making autonomy). I quit 4 months ago. 

The licensing process has been laborious and protracted. Despite passing the 2 exams necessary to get me licensed, the lag time has pushed me into a sense of destabilization. Uncertainty about the future. For the most part, I have always had a job (on a salary commission)

While I was working, the last 5 years, I would be exhausted so weekends were my only time to chill at home (would spend the weekend cleaning the house to almost brand new). 

In the meantime, through a friend of hers, she found a game called pickle ball (she has been a heavy sports person her whole life, ballet, semi pro golf, she got her degree in sports management). 

At this point, she plays regularly. 5-6 times a week. Was never an issue. The group she plays with have had parties and I have met them all and have clearly been well received by the group. 

Sorry if this is getting long, it is all kind of important. I am on my second marriage (20 years, 1 son). She is on her 2nd (her ex was a dirt bag that treated her very poorly and denied her the opportunity to have children)

Here is where some of you might judge me but here goes. Since the day we met she has been fully aware that I like to drink and smoked weed for about 4 years. Never an issue (only once did I get boozed and make a very minor embarrassment of myself very early in the courting phase. Never again). I drink and am always calm and always let her drive, whenever we go out. Her condition has always been, "as long as you don't change", which I never have until (below). She will have a coupe of beers and be drunk. She doesn't need it. Drunk on life. I am an anomaly for her, someone she would never have been with in the past. I smoke, have tats - am a faily good looking guy - but I have always treated her like my queen and still do. 

2 years ago a neighbor (that I would never have met, if it wasn't for my wife) stopped by and pulled out some coke. I have enjoyed my drugs throughout my life and hadn't touched it for 20 years and even then, I was never interested the next day). I did a couple of bumps and enjoyed it. A few weeks later, I started to buy some here and there (always with her knowledge) and she was tolerant for those 2 years. Never touched it during the week but on weekends, I would touch it to boost me for the housework, etc and that is how things stayed, again with her knowledge but disapproval). 

FWD to the last few weeks. In my in a holding up in the air pattern mindset without direction, I started to indulge more (the absolute wrong time to do anything like that because mild insecurities started to creep in, in a number of areas but the typical "she is playing more, could it be for another reason than sport etc. . Because it is so hot in Miami, she started playing at night, having a beer after with her team etc. I never even insinuated anything because I trust her but the f’ing coke was pushing me into a bad place and I knew that I needed to stop immediately. 

I am 3 days without it or booze and am hanging in there. 3 days ago, however, I felt like fleeing (the blow was riding me hard/paranoia etc) because I knew I was going to walk away from it but wasn’t sure what the crash would be like. If it wasn't pleasant (even if it was just, not feeling well and wanting to stay in bed) I didn’t want her to see it (note that her Mother, who can mentally terrorize her, has been her for 2 (in a 2 bedroom condo, not a big house) months - she has no idea of what I going through, although she can feel that something is off, short of her saying that she thinks that I drink a lot) Back to 3 days ago, I was spinning and contacted a family member who would understand, who lives in Asia and said that I wanted to come out to hang for a couple of weeks to sort some things out in my head. When my wife got home, after playing, I laid it out to her, while I was still spinning, I told her that I needed to get out because I needed to walk from this poison and didn't want her to witness it because I had no idea what was going to happen (fortunately, it seems not to have been as bad as expected). 

It was a huge shock to her and I know it freaked her out but she said ok if you feel you have to. I wanted to spin out alone. My friend in Asia was ready to have me come/to help. Overnight ( a night that I didn't sleep at all) I started to feel very guilty because my wife and I had planned to go to Asia on vacation and hadn’t yet due to commitments etc. and told her that I couldn’t go without her but wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me as I came down (in front of her and possibly Mom). 

Anyway, it’s been a bloody mess now with my wife. I am not sure how to handle myself around her We have had a couple of fresh uncomfortable discussions (never elevated but where I asked her if she would prefer if I leave etc). 

Needless to say, I dumped the coke into the toilet in front of her and have not had a drink since then. It was a pleasure to flush it. I told her I would prefer any kind of crash to feeling like I have. 

This brings me to tonight. Her pickle ball crowd had a small party tonight and I was just not in a good state to go go (not sure if she wanted me there anyway) so she has gone without me. The nagging worry is still in the background but I have it under control. She has never given me a reason to mistrust and I know that, at least until recently, absolutely loved me hard. I have reasons for fears of infidelity but I won't bore you all with those issues. 

I even helped my wife with the food that she was bringing to the party (so didn’t make things difficult at all). 

At this point, I almost want to bolt because I am now insecure about how she feels and do not want her to be uncomfortable nor do I want to show any affection in case she just sees me as this freak show and would rather I piss off for a while. She has been loving and caring (although clearly destabilized).

Again, I have absolutely zero interest in revisiting what caused that **** show to rear its ugly head in the first place, which might be why the crash isn't as hard because I have no craving. 

On a reality front, I have a meeting with her broker on Monday to get that show on the road but it is going to be a huge hustle etc. Could take a while to get that up and running. Real estate is not a glide in and make the big bucks kind of gig, despite what the ads say. 

And this is where I am right now. 

I am very sorry for the war and peace novel but without this level of detail… I am just hoping someone might be able to give me some advice on how handle myself, moving forward to try and keep the train on the tracks. I am giving her space and plan on continuing to do so. I guess that I also need some idea of what someone sees on the outside looking in because I have absolutely no one that I can lay this on. 

Thank you very much to anyone that has gotten this far. BTW we are both 54 (didn’t think that I could turn into a **** show at this age and, also, having partied for a good portion of my life - hard - I have become a home body. We go out and I party responsibly but I like home because I burned the candle on both ends, many times over.... She is a social butterfly.

Any clarity would be greatly appreciated (on how best to handle myself now that I have proven that that **** is out which it is - I don’t need to be going down that path again)

Thank you, all again, for your time.

Blah blah blah! The end.

Thank you!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FrenchmanFl1968 said:


> Hi everyone (and thank you in advance for stopping by),
> 
> Will try my best to summarize: Married 5 years. I love her and know that she loves me. She is a wonderful kind woman. My 2nd marriage, have a child with the first but my wife's last husband was (not good for her, had kids from a previous marriage and denied my wife the opportunity. She is very maternal. She is very silent strong type).
> 
> ...


We love a pickleball thread here. Believe it or not yours is not the first.

Be glad that your wife is active and has something healthy to participate in and keep her fit and interested.

You're feeling insecure because while she's on pickleball you have been on cocaine and other things. So you know you have fallen down. So you fear the consequences.

But instead of sitting around fearing them you need to just pick yourself up and dust yourself off and concentrate on nothing but doing that. Not sure Asia is the best place to get off drugs.

Seems to me like you're deflecting about the pickleball insecurity instead of concentrating on your own problems that you need to work on and overcome.

If you still feel shaky about getting yourself sober, get some help with it. You know you can get all kinds of help online without even having to go into a therapist. There may even be rehab online.

Probably make that number one priority but then don't waste any time and keep working towards getting back to work that's something you will be happy with.

Don't worry about the pickleball. That's a positive thing in both of your lives whether you realize it all the time or not.

Good luck. Stop giving yourself anxiety and just get your issues under control. I don't think you'll have that much trouble doing it but if you do, get help.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

FrenchmanFl1968 said:


> Hi everyone (and thank you in advance for stopping by),
> 
> Will try my best to summarize: Married 5 years. I love her and know that she loves me. She is a wonderful kind woman. My 2nd marriage, have a child with the first but my wife's last husband was (not good for her, had kids from a previous marriage and denied my wife the opportunity. She is very maternal. She is very silent strong type).
> 
> ...


Unless you want to go into those reasons for fears of infidelity, then I don’t see anything here. Like DTR said, you need to focus on what’s right in front of you and stop looking for reasons/excuses to skip the hard parts.

And even if your wife was being unfaithful, you need to get out of the **** first. So focus on that…then come back to the other stuff. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. Get cleaned up and then find out.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You're only 3 days sober? Give yourself some time, coke is probably the worst thing an anxious mind can take, so your suspicions may still be tied to the drug. I suggest seeking help, not drug counseling but therapy to help you through this and to help you become the best version of you without the substances. I'm curious, why do you fear infidelity? You mentioned there were reasons?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In this case the pickleball is the least of your worries. 

What about going into rehab straight up? Someone I work with did this recently when they realized they were out of control and I was very proud of them. So instead of a nebulous “be with a friend in Asia” which sounds sketchy to me, go to pro rehab in Miami.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I recommend you not to go to Asia. 

You buried an important point about the mother-in-law in the house. How long for? Is that permanent? And why?


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## FrenchmanFl1968 (4 mo ago)

Wow, I wasn't expecting this level of response. I am deeply grateful to you all and, of course, your sage and wise advice. 

The, still, slightly off balance aircraft has landed. Wife came home last night and I was awakened by our dogs. Rather than react with any sort of negative vibe (when she apologized for waking me) I offered hope that she had had fun and that she had nothing to apologize for. Acting on and voicing my concerns can only do damage. It only pushes a partner away.

To make some brief clarifications, damaged by ex and former girlfriend, on the cheating front. Pretty brutal but such is life. On the friend in Asia, she is a non blood sister who had her own ride many moons ago. Has a wonderful husband and owns a successful little B&B. My choice of her was exactly because she would know what I was dealing with and, while never, deny me my chosen path (if it was to keep pursuing the negative substance(s)) she would offer clear and loving advice. I spent 20 years growing up in that part of the world (French/American ancestry). 

Mother in law lives in brazil but has COPD so spend a number of months here, in Miami because it is currently winter there. She wanted to buy but the insanity of the pandemic etc has driven prices up exponentially (as has been the case nationwide). She is here for another month or so. While she does strike fear in her daughter (she is a strong woman) but I find her very pleasurable to hang with, so have cooked and spent a great deal of time with her (my Mother passed a number of years ago and I appreciate that whatever minor sacrifice is made on my part, it doesn't matter because I am making her happy and comfortable. I will get my personal freedom back in due course. )

While still off, I am feeling better with not even a sliver of desire to go back to my previous indulgences. My intention has never been to go completely sober (booze). The libations might not be good for my physical health, they have never spun me out of control like the other substance mentioned. That stuff will never cross my path again. 

I have absolutely no doubt that I have my demons but therapy is a luxury that I cannot indulge in. 

I do need to focus on finding my own footing so that my own situation is sorted out, regardless of where her head might be. Based on exchanges last night and today, I am confident that my worries are unfounded (again, she has never given me a reason to believe otherwise). She needs pickle ball and I simply need to accept it and, again, focus on my own concerns so that, regardless of where this marriage might be going, that I have my own path. 

Once, thank you all so much for taking time out of your respective days to offer your wisdom. Your words and kindness helped greatly. They offered the answers that I needed. I cannot expect her to respect me if I don't respect myself. 

I hope that you are all happy and I wish you a relaxing end to your respective weekends. 

Until the next... P.


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