# Does Polyamory Really Work in a Marriage?



## StevenH (Aug 1, 2019)

As a recent divorcee from a 24+ year marriage, I spent the last two years of my marriage in a polyamory relationship with our best couples friends. My then wife and I were empty-nesters and seeking to rekindle our long lost romance and get to know who we are NOW compared to who we were when we met and first married. (Funny how life gets put on hold when you have children and spend 18+ years raising them to successful adults.) After a year of rambling around in a big empty house, I decided to find us fun adventures to embark on in this new phase in our life. My wife wasn't the one one for seeking new adventures or doing anything 'extracurricular'. Camping was our first choice - being so close to the Rocky Mountains. We met a couple in a very similar situation - married 25+ years, empty-nesters, camping as their first attempt at rekindling. We four hit it off from the beginning. Great personalities (a definite 'strong' spouse and a 'follower' spouse in each relationship). We started as a couples friendship that met at a campground in 2014 and built up a two-year friendship as we met at our favorite nearby campground every weekend during the summer months - enjoying margarita recipes every weekend. We parked our pop-up campers side-by-side so we could be near each other, we signed up to host functions/events at the campground, etc. We eventually got rid of both our pop-up campers and moved into a larger camper suited for two couples (one master bedroom and one bunk big enough for the other couple - sharing the campsite lot expense.). That scenario lasted another summer season - meeting on weekends, planning meals, hanging out together still as identified couples. Then, over the winter season, the other couple's wife decided in her own career path to go back to school for higher education. She and her husband asked us to consider them moving in with us since we had an entire upstairs of three bedrooms and one full bath unused. They felt this was a good opportunity for us all to split a mortgage payment, they could have less monthly debt, and she could go back to school. It was a cost savings opportunity for us too, but more importantly, I felt it was an opportunity to draw our friends closer to us year-round instead of seasonally at the campground. I admit it, I was very fond of her strong personality in her marriage, as I was the strong one in my marriage. I had fallen out of love with my wife years ago. I had outgrown my wife years ago. So, we made a successful go at moving in together. We redecorated some common rooms, we defined roles in the house, we arranged our parking situation... it all worked beautifully. A few months passed and all is going well. Then, one day, I was texting with the wife of the other couple and ended up telling her I'd have to show her in more than words how much I care about her. I meant it as, 'just saying I care about you [both] beyond words.' (meaning, I can express my love in a long hug better than a text or simple words.) From that moment, her husband perked up and saw this as an opportunity to "share" his wife and partake in encouraging my wife to "share" also. We all spent a couple weeks talking about the notion, researching polyamory, etc. We'd never done anything like that in our dedicated marriages, so we were not fully aware of what it actually meant to 'share'. After a few discussions and keeping up with our daily routines, we decided to cross those lines and consent to polyamory - agreeing to keep our primary marriages intact, but spending time with the other's partner for a night or two. (Trust me, there was a 'who's with who' schedule posted on the refridgerator, boundaries, expectations, limitations, etc.....) For the next year, we all participated in this exclusive situation - some nights with our primary marriage partners, some nights with our 'other' partner. From Google: "Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy"." Then, things went south as they say...jealousy arose prodominantly. My wife decided to put all her energy in to the other husband. She eventually settled in saying I was nothing but, "...a paycheck and insurance to her!" I couldn't understand why my wife was so giving and loving to this other man when I had been her primary for so many years. From the moment she said that, I told her there was no reason for us to continue together. I asked for a divorce and we amicably filed together. The other husband couldn't compete with regard to his own wife with me naturally being attentive to a woman and willing to cook, clean, and show love. It started turning sour when jealousy got the best of a situation. The other husband actually said to his wife, "Why do I have to tell you regularly that I love you when you should know, I've been with you this long, it's pointless to say it daily now, you should know." Yet, I said 'I love you' to my spouse daily. Yes, there were many other markers that indicated both marriages were over. The two 'follower' spouses couldn't understand the connection the two 'stronger' spouses had developed. (As follower spouses, they were withdrawing and showing their true colors -- that they weren't willing to give anymore! I can tell you we now wanted MORE than our follower spouses were giving!) To make a long story longer, I entered a triad relationship with the other couple. This appeased the other husband's jealousy by including him in a love 'triangle' with his wife and we secretly removed my wife from the equation - a 'triad' within a 'quad' so to speak. This lasted about six months, but dissolved when the other husband decided he didn't want to feel he had to compete, that I was offering much more than he ever did, and he couldn't continue with a path HE had started for us four so long before. So, he left. He abandoned her at my house. I was already divorced from my wife by then and we simply were connected by a house we were trying to get ready to sell so we could part ways. We sold the house, parted ways, and I and the other wife moved forward as a 'strong' couple. We since married and we are in a monogamous relationship and very very very happy! But, my question is this... did we make mistakes along the way? Did we find polyamory as an escape in our current situations? Can polyamory work if all parties cooperate? How do you overcome jealousy? What do you do when you've already outgrown your spouse and basically fed up with them and seek something 'better'? I feel we gave it ample opportunity for a 'clean slate', for a 'clean slate' for everyone to grow... and polyamory failed in our situation. Your feedback is welcomed!!!!!!


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I would say don't blame him for starting it when you were pursuing his wife when you texted her expressing your love for her.

You overcome jealousy by not creating anything to be jealous about.

When you want to be intimate with another woman, you divorce your wife instead of insulting her with looking for someone 'better' than her.

I don't know if polyamory can work. It may be best for you to find those answers on a polyamory board of discussion. Most people here don't practice it.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It didn't for you I guess. Sounds like you just had an affair with this other women. Your wife certainly was an after thought which is why she left you. 

Not that I know much about it but that doesn't sound like Poly to me. I personally think it's bull**** though anyway. Probably works for like 5% of the population where as marriage works for about 50%. 

Live and learn I guess.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

StarFires said:


> I would say don't blame him for starting it when you were pursuing his wife when you texted her expressing your love for her.


That jumped out at me too.

Interesting story, but the polyamory stuff is a smoke screen. 

I'm guessing you wanted her from the beginning, this was engineered by one or both of you, and now this fairytale had a happy ending?

Well, good for you.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There was a rather exceptional woman who use to post here who was a successful polyamorous with a devoted husband of many years.

She has left, leaving a hole in TAM.

I'm an alpha and brook no competition in the sexual arena.

It doesn't sound like it was for you and two marriages were destroyed in the process.

I'm glad you are happy with your conquest.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I think you and your wife were both escaping. Couple things, first you said you had fallen out of love long ago. You had outgrown your wife long ago. Then you said this "She eventually settled in saying I was nothing but, "...a paycheck and insurance to her!" I couldn't understand why my wife was so giving and loving to this other man when I had been her primary for so many years." Which seems like she had also fallen out of love. 

Also a little humorous to me that you would care and take offense that a woman you dont love and that you feel is beneath you would put her attention elsewhere. 

My guess is you were both scared. Terrified of being alone, but also didn't really want to be together. That's why this new friendship became so important to both of you. I think you were both too scared to move, to scared to face the music of your own failed marriage that you two both screwed up massively along the way. You wrote that off as raising kids and working or whatever. But you both just failed. 

Not sure how you figure you outgrew anyone when you really take a good hard look at all that.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Does it work? Well you are both divorced, so there is your answer. I doubt this marriage will last when it began with adultery and you both thought so little of faithfulness in marriage. I suspect that one or both will cheat at some point.


----------



## StevenH (Aug 1, 2019)

Thanks for your feedback. As someone noted earlier in the replies, we both were in long-term marriages that seemed to be at their dead ends for various reasons. We both were close to divorces already before we met as couples. I think we four saw this new friendship and camping as a 'second chance' to do something we all can agree on and hopefully recharge our marriages. Eventually though, those marital issues that got suppressed arise again. Yes, I guess I saw it as a window of escape from my own dead-end marriage. I guess we didn't consider it adultery when it was consensual by all four of us. When I said to the other wife that I'd have to show you in more than words, I didn't have any intentions of sex. Maybe my word choice was poor, but I meant it in a 'best friend' sort of way... I.e., not just a chuck on the shoulder and 'see ya next weekend' sort of way. The other husband initiated the concept of polyamory to us all. I don't see this current marriage ending as a result of adultery. We both often reflect back on those years together and see a lot of things we'd do differently -- sort of a 'lessons learned' discussion.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Christ almighty. 

Respectfully, paragraphs are a good thing.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Christ almighty.
> 
> Respectfully, paragraphs are a good thing.


You are grumpy this morning!

Instagram @Wildaware user, 2018514887554191159 media details comments and likes | Instagram Web Viewer


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> You are grumpy this morning!
> 
> Instagram @Wildaware user, 2018514887554191159 media details comments and likes | Instagram Web Viewer


I'm with him. If it were broken up into paragraphs I probably would have finished reading it.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Nucking Futs said:


> I'm with him. If it were broken up into paragraphs I probably would have finished reading it.


lol, he posted in another thread about being cranky, I was just looking for a reason to post a picture of a mouse sleeping in a flower.

I also hate wall-o-text.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I know two polyamorous couples. One divorced within a year. The other continued for a decade - though it was a very unhappy marriage, then divorced.

I believe it can work but I think it fails far more often than people who try it think it will. 

(this is not a moral objection - if it works for you, go for it - but be careful)


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I know a couple who swings. I learned that from my SIL I hear their marriage isn’t great, but they seem fine at parties.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Does it work? Well you are both divorced, so there is your answer. I doubt this marriage will last when it began with adultery and you both thought so little of faithfulness in marriage. I suspect that one or both will cheat at some point.





StevenH said:


> Thanks for your feedback. As someone noted earlier in the replies, we both were in long-term marriages that seemed to be at their dead ends for various reasons. We both were close to divorces already before we met as couples. I think we four saw this new friendship and camping as a 'second chance' to do something we all can agree on and hopefully recharge our marriages. Eventually though, those marital issues that got suppressed arise again. Yes, I guess I saw it as a window of escape from my own dead-end marriage. I guess we didn't consider it adultery when it was consensual by all four of us. When I said to the other wife that I'd have to show you in more than words, I didn't have any intentions of sex. Maybe my word choice was poor, but I meant it in a 'best friend' sort of way... I.e., not just a chuck on the shoulder and 'see ya next weekend' sort of way. The other husband initiated the concept of polyamory to us all. I don't see this current marriage ending as a result of adultery. We both often reflect back on those years together and see a lot of things we'd do differently -- sort of a 'lessons learned' discussion.


No matter how it is examined rarely does an open marriage work. Yes there was a woman.
Notice the selection of words?
I did not say there were women here that were in a successful open marriage that posted here.

I have seen too many marriages fail once they were opened up.

All I see you trying to get support for your decision to open up your marriage.
All I see is that instead of MC and IC for you and your wife all you did was
decide to get some strange.

Getting new VJ's/Penis' does not fix problems or repair damage done to a relationship.

If having an open marriage was so good then you and your 2nd wife should be still 
living that life style.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Wall o text aside, yeah, there were a lot of red flags there that you all missed, and mostly out of ignorance. A relationship already failing is not going to be solved by poly, marriage or not. Even so, with some learning and work, this could have been more of a transition stage, as opposed to the bad ending it was.

Something else to consider is that not all poly can be "kitchen table poly", where everyone lives in the same household. Granted, you started out as friend couples aiding each other after being empty nesters. Actually that's rather close to how my quad got started, only my legal wife and I took them in when they were suddenly homeless. It was when they were nearly in a position to be able to move out, that we, as separate couples, were questioning if we really wanted to/wanted them to. 

When you are in a poly relationship, especially in polygamy, you have to make sure you are making time for all the relationships. Diad time is just as important as triad and quad time. And it's work. All good relationships are. The more people, the more work.

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes polyamory works, but even then, it's seldom forever. Traditional marriages fail at a 40%-plus rate, too - and half or more of the rest are unhappy. Even on a second or third attempt. That's not a ringing endorsement of the institution. Serial marriages are pretty much the norm these days. If you just look at how often things go wrong, then no intelligent person should bother with marriage in any form! Of course, only about 5% of people explore some form of ethical non-monogamy, so whether they succeed or fail is a minor statistical blip on overall relationship success stats. However, if you want to try something non-mainstream, it seems worth the risk because you could succeed and be happier than you ever imagined. Or be just as miserable as anyone recovering from a failed relationship. The risks are higher, but the rewards are commensurate with the risk.

We've been poly/open/swinging for 20 years. No problems of any significance in all that time. We have been the stable core no matter what we did or who we connected with on whatever level. None of those relationships lasted in their original form, though - only ours. Some of those past lovers are still close friends, but we've moved on from where things started. How many divorced couples can say they've remained friends with an ex?


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

As the Chinese say, one mountain cannot contain two tigers.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think that both yours and your wife's first marriages were limping along, in your case you and your wife both focussed on the kids all the time at the expense of your marriage. As a result the marriage died.

Then you both saw an opportunity for an out and took it. Maybe not consciously but the end result's the same.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

It sounds like you should have just swapped wives. Instead, you screwed over your wife by divorcing her. You got the OW, and your W (who really liked OM) got nothing.


----------



## Condor90046 (Aug 25, 2021)

StevenH said:


> As a recent divorcee from a 24+ year marriage, I spent the last two years of my marriage in a polyamory relationship with our best couples friends. My then wife and I were empty-nesters and seeking to rekindle our long lost romance and get to know who we are NOW compared to who we were when we met and first married. (Funny how life gets put on hold when you have children and spend 18+ years raising them to successful adults.) After a year of rambling around in a big empty house, I decided to find us fun adventures to embark on in this new phase in our life. My wife wasn't the one one for seeking new adventures or doing anything 'extracurricular'. Camping was our first choice - being so close to the Rocky Mountains. We met a couple in a very similar situation - married 25+ years, empty-nesters, camping as their first attempt at rekindling. We four hit it off from the beginning. Great personalities (a definite 'strong' spouse and a 'follower' spouse in each relationship). We started as a couples friendship that met at a campground in 2014 and built up a two-year friendship as we met at our favorite nearby campground every weekend during the summer months - enjoying margarita recipes every weekend. We parked our pop-up campers side-by-side so we could be near each other, we signed up to host functions/events at the campground, etc. We eventually got rid of both our pop-up campers and moved into a larger camper suited for two couples (one master bedroom and one bunk big enough for the other couple - sharing the campsite lot expense.). That scenario lasted another summer season - meeting on weekends, planning meals, hanging out together still as identified couples. Then, over the winter season, the other couple's wife decided in her own career path to go back to school for higher education. She and her husband asked us to consider them moving in with us since we had an entire upstairs of three bedrooms and one full bath unused. They felt this was a good opportunity for us all to split a mortgage payment, they could have less monthly debt, and she could go back to school. It was a cost savings opportunity for us too, but more importantly, I felt it was an opportunity to draw our friends closer to us year-round instead of seasonally at the campground. I admit it, I was very fond of her strong personality in her marriage, as I was the strong one in my marriage. I had fallen out of love with my wife years ago. I had outgrown my wife years ago. So, we made a successful go at moving in together. We redecorated some common rooms, we defined roles in the house, we arranged our parking situation... it all worked beautifully. A few months passed and all is going well. Then, one day, I was texting with the wife of the other couple and ended up telling her I'd have to show her in more than words how much I care about her. I meant it as, 'just saying I care about you [both] beyond words.' (meaning, I can express my love in a long hug better than a text or simple words.) From that moment, her husband perked up and saw this as an opportunity to "share" his wife and partake in encouraging my wife to "share" also. We all spent a couple weeks talking about the notion, researching polyamory, etc. We'd never done anything like that in our dedicated marriages, so we were not fully aware of what it actually meant to 'share'. After a few discussions and keeping up with our daily routines, we decided to cross those lines and consent to polyamory - agreeing to keep our primary marriages intact, but spending time with the other's partner for a night or two. (Trust me, there was a 'who's with who' schedule posted on the refridgerator, boundaries, expectations, limitations, etc.....) For the next year, we all participated in this exclusive situation - some nights with our primary marriage partners, some nights with our 'other' partner. From Google: "Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy"." Then, things went south as they say...jealousy arose prodominantly. My wife decided to put all her energy in to the other husband. She eventually settled in saying I was nothing but, "...a paycheck and insurance to her!" I couldn't understand why my wife was so giving and loving to this other man when I had been her primary for so many years. From the moment she said that, I told her there was no reason for us to continue together. I asked for a divorce and we amicably filed together. The other husband couldn't compete with regard to his own wife with me naturally being attentive to a woman and willing to cook, clean, and show love. It started turning sour when jealousy got the best of a situation. The other husband actually said to his wife, "Why do I have to tell you regularly that I love you when you should know, I've been with you this long, it's pointless to say it daily now, you should know." Yet, I said 'I love you' to my spouse daily. Yes, there were many other markers that indicated both marriages were over. The two 'follower' spouses couldn't understand the connection the two 'stronger' spouses had developed. (As follower spouses, they were withdrawing and showing their true colors -- that they weren't willing to give anymore! I can tell you we now wanted MORE than our follower spouses were giving!) To make a long story longer, I entered a triad relationship with the other couple. This appeased the other husband's jealousy by including him in a love 'triangle' with his wife and we secretly removed my wife from the equation - a 'triad' within a 'quad' so to speak. This lasted about six months, but dissolved when the other husband decided he didn't want to feel he had to compete, that I was offering much more than he ever did, and he couldn't continue with a path HE had started for us four so long before. So, he left. He abandoned her at my house. I was already divorced from my wife by then and we simply were connected by a house we were trying to get ready to sell so we could part ways. We sold the house, parted ways, and I and the other wife moved forward as a 'strong' couple. We since married and we are in a monogamous relationship and very very very happy! But, my question is this... did we make mistakes along the way? Did we find polyamory as an escape in our current situations? Can polyamory work if all parties cooperate? How do you overcome jealousy? What do you do when you've already outgrown your spouse and basically fed up with them and seek something 'better'? I feel we gave it ample opportunity for a 'clean slate', for a 'clean slate' for everyone to grow... and polyamory failed in our situation. Your feedback is welcomed!!!!!!


 Opening of your marriage after years of monogamy is relationship suicide!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Zombie thread ..... 2019


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@MattMatt where is Zombie cat?


----------

