# Am I out of order for asking?



## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

I found out 6 weeks ago my wife had an affair, for 8 months she was cold with me and refused physical contact.

I was understanding and thought that it was emotional or something else, when she told me it was an affair I was devastated.

Anyway we patched things together and are going through counseling, so far so good.

Anyway I had asked her the guys name to begin with as she had said it was someone at work who had left since then. I had said OK.

Anyway today for some reason I thought, why did she not tell me even though OI had asked 2/3 times, who is she protecting?

I asked her today and wanted to know, she will not tell me. Am I crazy for wanting to know, I only want to know the name of the guy I feel hatred towards, I know it was my wifes fault primerilary but I think I have a right no? Am i mad for wanting to know, I only want a first name.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm thinking she might be lying about who the affair was with. As in, he's still at her job. So I think you need to get to the bottom of that.

I think the partner do did the cheating needs to come clean with whatever information the spouse wants to know.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

No you are not. I actually just went through this same thing with my boyfriend and I explained to him what I felt the need to know and I did not understand why it was so important to him to not divuldge this information to me; if we were supposed to be working things out and the relationship was supposed to be over. I do/did understand the hesitation to tell me the name-as I think I would do the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot. However, one of the things that I have often heard about rebuilding is that the person that broke the trust needs to be able to answer to the persons whos trust has been broken. My boyfriend did not tell me the name of the person that i was requesting (a frequent number on a phone bill) and come to find out it was the same girl he had cheated on me with. 

No you are no out of order for wanting to know. Everyone deals with things their own way and if this is a piece of information that you need in order to move from this, you need to explain that to your wife. it may not be easy for her to understand, cause she has somehow justified her actions in her head (for them to have happened)...but one day it will make sense to her to know that it is just easier to answer your question than to keep you at a distance and not be accountable for her actions by not telling you what you need to know.

Good luck. 

i'm glad to hear you are trying to work things out. I too am trying, but I am not sure how to move forward and trust him ever again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'd make it a deal breaker that she tell you his name and exactly how long she was cheating.

Why? Because it may well be continuing.

My wife did the trick yours is using.

I didn't push it far enough and she took advantage of that.

If she won't tell you she is hiding something. and not merely his name.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

She said that because we agreed to not ask anymore questions she will not answer the question.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

that is not fair because you are just being presented with the information etc. she has had a long time to deal with what she has done. Your questions are just starting. Yes, you want to get over it, but you will need closure and all your questions are not going to come to you in a matter of hours, days, months etc. it is going to be over time as you are healing. You need to let her know that you are trying to deal with this in order to better your relationship and move on. However, in order to do this you will still need to ask questions and sometimes they may be hard for her to answer, but you need the answer in order to be able to deal with the situation (in your way) and move on. It is always easy to agree to not talk about it anymore when you are the one doing the dirt. My boyfriend tried that as well, but as I told him....when I don't talk about it, you act as if your actions are ok and they are not. If I do talk about it then you get angry (which symbolizes that you are still doing wrong-which he was...that was/is his "tell"). It sounds like she needs to take accountability for her actions. You can not just sweep that under the rug and act like nothing happened and everyone is happy go lucky. Let her know that her keeping that from you makes you feel as if you are being deceived and makes it hard for you to trust her and just simply does not make you happy...and for that fact alone she should tell you...because she is still in it to make you happy (supposedly).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

robert6 said:


> She said that because we agreed to not ask anymore questions she will not answer the question.


That is flat out bullsh!t right there. Break that agreement. You can claim entitlement seeing as she chose to break the commitment to your marriage.

Decide what the consequences are if she still refuses to address the question. Kick her out, or you leave, shut off her phone, drain the bank account, put a scarlet 'A' on all of her clothes ... whatever you decide, should be something you know you will follow through with. 

I'd bet somebody elses thumb that she's lying to you.

You're in counseling and a therapist thought 'no more questions' was a reasonable policy? If so, you need to fire your marriage counselor.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Deejo said:


> That is flat out bullsh!t right there. Break that agreement. You can claim entitlement seeing as she chose to break the commitment to your marriage.
> 
> Decide what the consequences are if she still refuses to address the question. Kick her out, or you leave, shut off her phone, drain the bank account, put a scarlet 'A' on all of her clothes ... whatever you decide, should be something you know you will follow through with.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

She's BSing you. Even if you "promised" you were not ready yet for such a thing. Unfair to be held to it.

Make it a dealmaker. Line in sand.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

robert6 said:


> She said that because we agreed to not ask anymore questions she will not answer the question.


Sorry but this is a load of crap! You deserve to have your questions answered. This to me is like saying "I did it, live with it, get over it, forget it" but you can't do that. So if she refuses to answer questions you need to move on. 

My H had problems admitting things to me and minimized and even lied about a lot. What finally got to him was when I said "its like having a wound that if you poured peroxide on it, it would burn like h*** but it would heal. You didn't pour the peroxide on it, you put a bandaid on it and now its infected and it hurts much worse" His reason for hiding things was he was ashamed and he was worried I'd leave him if I knew how bad it was. I told him I'd leave him if he lied again. 

Its so important to be open, and transparent. She must realize that. If she still works with him and cannot transfer or get a new job, that just needs to be out in the open with you and ground rules established. 

I wish you all the best. I do know it sometimes takes time for the disclosure to happen. But questions from you cannot be off limits. Though never ask a question you don't want to have the answer to. And never get angry with her with her response if she gives you a truthful answer, remember you asked. Sometimes its hard to hear these things....


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

She is protecting him...which she shouldn't be doing if she wants it to work with you. His feelings no longer matters yours do. Anyway, you asked the question before you said you wouldn't ask any more and she refused to answer it. Tell her its not a new question at all and has been hanging there since you found out. She is still hiding something.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

robert6 said:


> She said that because we agreed to not ask anymore questions she will not answer the question.


That is very insensitive on her part. As much as I'm sure you'd love to stop the images and questions racing through your mind, getting answers is part of that healing process. 

I'd be leary...was there a guy's name from work that came up more often than others during her affair? Do you think she is afraid you will confront him? I'd be inclined to do some checking .... phone bill, etc.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

So I think what your doing right now is having a mindset of damage control. You don't want to rock the boat with your wife because you are afraid of losing her. She knows this and is controling/manipulating you so that she can work this supposed reconciliation on her own terms, terms that she wants and controls, not your own. 

Let me give you some insight from my own experiences with an adultery spouse.

An adulterous spouse will do the following things, and don't think for a second "not my spouse".

Play the blame game - I wouldn't have if it wasn't for you doing x,y,z. Its your fault not mine. Shifting of accountability.

Lie - A cheating spouse will lie to a degree that you no longer recognize them any longer. They will seem like a different person to you.

Turn on you - Their way of acting towards you will be a complete 180 on you from how they once acted towards you. They will essentially make you feel like your their enemy. You will feel like no matter what you do or say, will be taken positively and they will verbally attack you and your actions towards them.

Protect themselves - They will go to whatever means to protect themselves and their interests in the other person. This will include covering up every minute detail of what they have done or are currently doing with the other person. They will demand to not live in a bubble, be a open book, and will hide any means that they have with their lines of communication with the other person.

The cheating spouse will possibly have new bank accounts, credit cards, cell phones (prepay), email accounts, facebook/myspace accounts, and any other possible means for conversing with the other person without your knowledge.

There are many things that will absolutely amaze you when you are faced with this infidelity from your spouse who is cheating. Even when you believe that they are know in a reconcile stage, they almost always continue to contact the other person. It will be like they are mourning the loss of that other person and have a hard time letting go even when they are supposed to be reconciling. 

Sorry to paint such a bleak picture but this is the truth of affairs and the behaviors of a spouse committing adultery. So if your willing to reconcile with her, stand tall and demand the proper respect that your entitles if she truly wants to reconcile. Do not succumb to the blame game and feel like your actions are the fault in the relationship nor the cause of the infidelity. It is a completely conscious decision to cheat and when you look at it that way, you will realize it is a selfish act on your spouses part. If they truly had wanted to keep a stable and proper relationship with you, and had issues within the marriage, they would have come to you to address them, not look outside of the marriage for their own selfishness.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Also, if you want to know the name go to a site like uspeoplesearch. com and do a reverse look up from the phone number, and you will get the name of the individual that the phone number is under.


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## Danichole (Jan 4, 2010)

She should answer your questions, lest she be too selfish to care about your feelings.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I love the analogy from azmomoftwo. To add to that, I have this:
so now you have to clean the wound and it takes a lot more to do it...

plus now that you put the bandaid on it as if that was going to make it heal, i now need to be able to trust that however we determine the clean the wounds now will heal it and not come back. 

when the reality hit(s) I feel that the wounded area needs to be amputated (which is why I tell you to leave)...so by you not leaving it is as if I am trying to trust you to heal the wound without amputation...we won't know how deep and how infected it is until we open it up and clean it out, sew it up and watch it heal (no maggots please...yuck!)


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I think that because of what she did you deserve the right to know everything.


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## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

As I have been reading the texts posted, it seems not easy to tell the truth hence more questions being ask and wanting to know. I kept wondering to myself if it will be proper to subject a spouse to a lie detector/ polygraph test to find truth in situations like this or similar.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

tuzal said:


> As I have been reading the texts posted, it seems not easy to tell the truth hence more questions being ask and wanting to know. I kept wondering to myself if it will be proper to subject a spouse to a lie detector/ polygraph test to find truth in situations like this or similar.


I believe this is all problems with affairs, is that the trust has been broken and yes it leads to many questions. It is not easy to tell the truth when you have deceived the one you love, but in order to make things work again and to help heal it is imperative that the person satisfy the others heart (people deal with it in different ways but often times yes it does lead to more questions, because people wonder if it was their fault, if there was something they could have done differently, if this is just the person that they love have become, how it is going to stop, how will they know it is over, what is to keep it from happening again etc.....) to the point that that person can trust again. Affairs are completely selfish. The person in the affair, gets the benefits of home and being away and then when they come back (no matter how things are discovered) they get to try to create the terms by which they are going to stay....the problem is it is no longer their decision. They need to show you why you should allow them to stay, why you want them to stay.

The issue with a lie detector is this: 1. you will still wonder...did i ask everything i wanted to know 2. did they get over on the lie detector (fyi: in case you have never taken one, I have and while I was telling the truth, it indicated I was not on three separate occassions...also when the facilitator hooks the person up they go through a question/answer phase which allows the facilitator to word the questions in a way that the person can respond appropriately...so really they already know the questions they just don't know the order....) 3. questions will lead to other questions (as we know/see) but you will not be able to ask them and 4. it will lead to the same position that is going on right now, where the person will basically say, you have subjected me to this and now I have done this, you should be satisfied and I am not going to answer anymore questions! I think it could be a catch 22.

I don't know the right answers etc. but I do know the concerns and thoughts that I have had, these are just a few. 

Sorry about the punctuation etc. just needed to get the thoughts out.


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## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

Thanks Christmaslady, you response is enlighting yet not giving up the idea. This also makes me happy to have joined the forum as it helps me deal with my situation and in the process managed to realise my own faults in my marriage.

Back to the point:

Wthout trivialising the issue or anyone's emotions, Robert6 and everyone else who discovered infidelity/ cheating spouse should be happy than living in the dark.It is much better than to live with someone whose behaviour (lacks intimacy/ sex interest/ cold/ etc) can only lead to assumptions or speculation if one does not get satifying answers.

More so, as I have dicovered in my situation, questions are causing more frustration to both parties, especially if the same subject comes every now and again.

If a polygraph test doesn't work as Christmaslady suggests, why don't one employ the services of a private investigator or install the spyware.This to some may be expensive but the rewards may be greater.

What is puzzling to me is the amount of anger my wife will have when she has to answer certain questions are asked. At times I blame myself for causing trouble and let go despite the need to know what is behind. 

BigBadWolf won't approve of the last statement as he advised me to be confident and be in control but the truth is, it happens.

I have read in one post that there two kinds of cheaters: habitual and situational. To me there is no difference and consider situational cheater more dangerous or a muderer because the person has given the idea (cheating) more energy,time and the idea is possibly concived right next to you either on the couch or in bed. Yet one still lies about the whole thing after being found out. Scary

I hope you (Robert6) and everyone in the same situation will eventually find the satisfactory answers you are looking for and move forward with your-lives.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. You have done nothing wrong (at least not that you have disclosed so far) except try to work out your hurt, anger and disappointment to get your relationship back on track. Cheaters get angry about questions they have to answer that do not make the feel comfortable because 1. they know they were/are wrong and 2. they want it to go away and they feel the more you talk about it the more it lingers and/or the more information you find out that is going to bother you that much more. I have found this to be true at least in my relationship. I feel it is a way to not take accountability for their actions. When my relationship finally blew up out of control, my bf finally realized that what I had been telling him about himself was true (for the most part). 

In regards to spyware and PI etc. yes, they can be expensive, they can also be addictive and may cause you to have more doubt etc. than already exists (cause you will always feel like you are missing something etc-because they will find new/improved ways to hide information)...you may gain too much information, what will you do with it (how do you present information that you obtained through breaking a trust). If you are really trying to work things out, you may just need to go through the pain right now and really try to get the TRUST back. Spyware etc. does not show trust; not saying that the person is deserving of your trust right now, but the spyware and/or PI etc. will act as a security blanket for you...and for how long will you need that around? Just be careful. I thought of those things as well, but I thought about what I may find, what I would do with the information, how do I live my life that way-"working" on trying to trust the one that I love while betraying their trust essentially; and is it really worth it. Is that how I want to live? do I need to pay someone a lot of money to get me to trust someone that I love...if so, I may not need to be with them anymore, as much as I do love the person.


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## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

I have disclosed my situation under subtitle - Sex in marriage (wife mo interested in sex and ruining our marriage) and also a victim of cheating before getting married by someone else. 

My wife may or may not be cheating but needs to come out clean about her state of mind or maybe there is something wrong I am doing.

She is very irritable when asked or trying to discuss the subject - lack of interest in me.

I even thought to myself that maybe I am not good enough for relationships. I have also considered to stop getting involved for a while till I find myself again.This can only happen if my marriage fails.

Rorbet6 - any progress in your situation?


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