# giving in to temptation..just can't STFU



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

so yes i wrote several threads about the downhill in my marriage.
i know the 180 and im trying all i can do to do those things in the list, and the most important thing : do - not - engage policy.so far so good with the STBXH, he sleeps in the other room, being distant blablabla, dont care. im busy enough with all the moving out and new jobs.

but here's the glitch.

so i've got a job and already prepared myself to move out quick. but things got complicated because STBXH's parents are driving me nuts.
so this morning i was looking for a document to open a bank account for me. couldn't find it, so i had to ask STBXH. he told me that his mum got it. i asked him to get it asap because i kinda need it today [now]. tomorrow i already got plans and there'll be no time anymore before i move out.
he told me 'i'll get it later because i've to do blablabla'.
since i need it now, so i have no choice but going to his parents' place and get that bloody document.

and things get ugly.
i tried not to engage in the conversation, but my,y u no stfu, stopandmakecoffee?? i answered their questions! why i can't just say 'yes/no' ? -because there's no yes/no question. 
they don't want me to move out, but STBXH wants me to move out, my mom wants me to move out, for heaven's sake, why i feel like a dumb fool and why i couldn't stop myself from answering their questions?!

no i didn't alienating anyone nor blame anyone. i said 'Im sorry' to them and 'if there's any chance i'd like to make things right; but if this is it,then so be it'. STBXMIL cried, STBXFIL looked sad, hugged me and blablabla -oh they didn't even realize that they also contribute to our separation- and i just couldn't shut up. not that i do all the rambling or pity me or please talk to your son blablabla, but why i just couldn't answer them with 'yes/no' only?

STBXFIL wants to have another sit down with both of us, but IDK.should i care? what should i say ? what do i do? 

any input will be highly appreciated..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you get the paper you need?

Your husband wants you to move out. You want to move out.

Just stall on the meeting with your STXFIL. Do what you need to do.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did you get the paper you need?
> 
> Your husband wants you to move you. You want to move out.
> 
> Just stall on the meeting with your STXFIL. Do what you need to do.


hi Elegirl, your advices are gold thanks to check this thread.
got em already, run like maniac to the bank before lunch break time.
i want to move out, but this STBXILs , they're sooo pushy.i don't want to run to a bottomless pit of their 'Matthew 19' preach, oh Lord not again. i can't stand seeing their son's face; i want to get the heck out of here; but they wont let me do it.
arrgh..
i can't keep on stalling because STBXILs and my parents are doing well together. they became friends, one way or another, they'll catch my tail,either sooner or later. even my mom supports me [dad is sick, heart condition. so he's not into this], she still wants me to leave them nicely.be polite, be civil.

what do i do? what do i say during the sit down?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When do you plan to move out? When is this sitdown supposed to happen?

Can you move out BEFORE the sitdown?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> When do you plan to move out? When is this sitdown supposed to happen?
> 
> Can you move out BEFORE the sitdown?


i move out next week.
the sit down is today or maybe tomorow  can't escape this thing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, since you cannot escape it.

Talk as little as possible. Take the attitude that you will listen to what they have to say. Just listen and nod your head a lot. Do not defend or explain yourself.

They want to give you advice… just listen.

To keep from talking, gently bite the tip of your tongue. There is a saying "bite your tongue", meaning "don't say anything". So do that... lightly bite your tongue and don't say anything. Just concentrate on your teeth and your tongue. 

The less you talk, the more your husband might talk and sink himself.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, since you cannot escape it.
> 
> Talk as little as possible. Take the attitude that you will listen to what they have to say. Just listen and nod your head a lot. Do not defend or explain yourself.
> 
> ...



okay.will do ma'am.

now since i have a lot of things to do on my own, i don't think about R as much as I did. okay i still love him -do I? really? - 
i don't want a man who doesn't want me [who said it ? im sure i read it somewhere here].
i still want to fight for this marriage, but all of this thing right now is too much.
so i'll bite my tongue then.i really hope this sit down whatever will end well for my side 

thanks a bunch elegirl


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Let me know how the meeting went. 

If you think you still love him.. the separation might help.

If he still loves you it might shock him into realizing that he is really going to lose you. If that happens do not move back with him right away. Just date him for a while and rebuild your relationship.

If he does not still love you, he will leave you alone. And then you will know for sure.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

well, apparently the sit down turned into sit stopandmakecoffee down.

this is so exhausting.STBXILs keep their pressure on me instead of their own son! WTF?! )(!()&!)(@!!!! what these people want from me? what else they could possibly want? why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did they change your mind about anything?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

no, Elegirl.
i still want to move out.the urge to leave is getting stronger.
im not letting them take the wheel.hell no.after all these years?! that's a hugeee no from my side.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> what these people want from me? what else they could possibly want? why?


Don't you wish it was as easy as just saying this directly to them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what are they expecting you to do? 

Do they see anything wrong with what their son is doing?

Don't they get that he wants you to leave?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

DayDream said:


> Don't you wish it was as easy as just saying this directly to them?


it's easy, yes. but it gives me no benefit, DayDream..
that means im engaging. and i don't want to give them the slightest chance of 'hey look,i care about what you want'.

i hate this situation that they're blackmailing me, and using God's will as bargaining chip. i hate it,really.but im not letting them to think that i somehow give a cr4p about what they want.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So what are they expecting you to do?


never to step one foot outside their son's house, otherwise im a dead woman.literally, no monkey business. that's verbatim. and at the same time telling me how beautiful God's plans are if i stay.
what the hell is wrong with these people's brains???











EleGirl said:


> Do they see anything wrong with what their son is doing?


their son is an angel.a frail, fragile, sensitive angel.and im just a woman with heart of stone.



EleGirl said:


> Don't they get that he wants you to leave?


here's what they get : i want to leave him because i want a career and i want more money.ain't it pretty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> it's easy, yes. but it gives me no benefit, DayDream..
> that means im engaging. and i don't want to give them the slightest chance of 'hey look,i care about what you want'.
> 
> i hate this situation that they're blackmailing me, and using God's will as bargaining chip. i hate it,really.but im not letting them to think that i somehow give a cr4p about what they want.


I guess it's never dawned on them that maybe it's God's will that you leave your husband and have a better life? :scratchhead:


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I guess it's never dawned on them that maybe it's God's will that you leave your husband and have a better life? :scratchhead:


STBXMIL always thinks that a woman's place is in the church and kitchen.her son thinks the opposite.
im trapped in the middle because STBXH don't know how communicate with me//his mom.

he's a big boy in a diaper.


i seriously married the wrong guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> never to step one foot outside their son's house, otherwise im a dead woman.literally, no monkey business. that's verbatim. and at the same time telling me how beautiful God's plans are if i stay.
> what the hell is wrong with these people's brains???


 That sounds like a threat to me. People like them drive me nuts. Who are they to presume that they know "God's will".

You will be a lot better off away from this fake religious nonsense.




stopandmakecoffee said:


> their son is an angel.a frail, fragile, sensitive angel.and im just a woman with heart of stone.


Well then he needs to be by him self because angels are non-human and non-sexual. Oh well 



stopandmakecoffee said:


> here's what they get : i want to leave him because i want a career and i want more money.ain't it pretty.


Well their little talk is over with. Did you say much to them?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

got a text from my Mum.that funnily sarcastic but gentle hearted old lady, hell of a woman.
i texted her about what's going on, and she replies me with:
'GANBATTE!it's your test,you will get through this because Jesus loves you. Ganbatte, my girl!'

*ganbatte ~ something japanesse says to encourage others.it's uncommon for a 50 yo granny to say , but my Mum said it. lol.


funny how two sets of religious parents act differently toward the same matter


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> That sounds like a threat to me. People like them drive me nuts. Who are they to presume that they know "God's will".


they;re pastors. 40 years of God's earthly works.
someone smash my head please..



EleGirl said:


> You will be a lot better off away from this fake religious nonsense.


oh yeah, i bet i will. my parents are religious too, but they're not blind. but his parents still frown on women wearing shorts. for real. do not mention about his older brother [tau ke], he's even worse. MCP.





EleGirl said:


> Well their little talk is over with. Did you say much to them?


no.like you said, i bite my tongue, nod, bite, nod.
and if there's question involving US [like there was one], i dodged it, saying : 'you might want to sit with your son first or sit us both together so there's no misunderstanding'

and last night when STBXMIL sat me down, STBXH saw it. later he asked 'what did my mom tell you?'
i told him : 'go ask her yourself, im not an USB port'

there. :rofl:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you did well under the circumstances. 

Now get ready to move out and move on. Just look forward. Hopefully you do not need to talk to them for a long time.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

thanks, EleGirl.
i have a lot of supports from my family & friends, also you guys in TAM  thank you.

i never thought i could be this 'strong' or whatever, i've just had enough with all this. i want to be happy. i now realize that in the last 5 years i've never been happy. i was trying to, but the pressure, oh the pressure!!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> it's easy, yes. but it gives me no benefit, DayDream..
> that means im engaging. and i don't want to give them the slightest chance of 'hey look,i care about what you want'.
> 
> i hate this situation that they're blackmailing me, and using God's will as bargaining chip. i hate it,really.but im not letting them to think that i somehow give a cr4p about what they want.


Well I'm glad it's easy for you. It wouldn't be for me. I was dead serious when I asked that. Pathetic, eh?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> it's easy, yes. but it gives me no benefit, DayDream..
> that means im engaging. and i don't want to give them the slightest chance of 'hey look,i care about what you want'.
> 
> i hate this situation that they're blackmailing me, and using God's will as bargaining chip. i hate it,really.but im not letting them to think that i somehow give a cr4p about what they want.


Did they really even ask you what you want and what your concerns are?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

DayDream said:


> Well I'm glad it's easy for you. It wouldn't be for me. I was dead serious when I asked that. Pathetic, eh?



no, you're not being pathetic cos it's just a phase, i think.and i believe you will past that too 
i've been through that [quite fast, though. D/Sday was about 2-3 weeks ago.right on Christmas day.suckiest christmas ever].dec 25th-31 i was the most pitiful creature on the planet. i cried, i begged, i negotiated, bargained. but then i woke up.Mum woke me up [and this one K-drama, and House MD, lol].
she reminded me of why she named me my name, the meaning of it. and there. i just woke up. i have to be strong, chin up, do 'my way or the highway' for i've been tolerating them way too long.
so i wish that you will come to your awakening soon  it's you that matter. it's only you who can love yourself completely.
hang in there, and make baby steps


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did they really even ask you what you want and what your concerns are?


no and no.
they just dictated me of what am i supposed to want.
they even told me that 'your thinking is wrong.whatever you think or want right now is wrong, and only God is right' 
_**subtext : I am right and you're wrong._

this family is crazy :scratchhead:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have sometimes found, "I am not willing to talk right now. I'll let you know when I am" to be helpful.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

*me and my BIG MOUTH react to his Jedi mind trick.*










so i just can't help myself, can i? oh this big mouth, when you'll learn to STFU?
this is going to be random, TMI, all ranting and insufferable for you perhaps, so please put up with me.

so out of nowhere [STBXH sleeps in another room, changes his relationship status on facebook, 180-ing me and yaddayadda], so now he wants to talk [after last night quietly crawling to bed beside me.no physical contact/touch, thank God].

just now he asks me 'what's your plan? i mean, what's next, on your life?'

me : 'why should i discuss it with you?i don't see why i should do that'

STBXH : 'why not?'

me : 'why?'

STBXH : 'because that'll be good for us'


me: 'why's there an us again?'

STBXH : 'why you ask like that?'

me : 'because i don't think there's an us anymore, and i do better that way'

STBXH : 'well, IDK about what you - my parents were talking about, but i've been talking to them and..'


me : 'right there, stop it right there. what you and your parents were talking about is your family inside talk, let's keep it that way because im not part of it. and i told them already that i don't want to talk anymore. any further talking should be done with you and me both in the room.otherwise, im not talking'.

STBXH : *paused* 'why you dont want to share anything anymore with me?'

me : _*thinking: OH THIS BLOODY BIG BABY*_ 'because if we do share, means there's us. and that's the past, and in the past im not happy. i don't want to dwell in the past because i can't undo the past, so im focusing at the present. so, at this moment i don't know how you feel or think about that term, so i leave it there. i want to be happy, not depressed. and now i think about myself, and that makes me happy, so why i want to share? i make good progress here. but what do you want?'

_------here, im practicing one technique : listen to what your partner wants.----_

STBXH : 'i want that we will be able to share and support each other. if you do remember we both agreed doing this..'

_me : *we both agreed? are you frigging high,mister?*_

STBXH :'..we both agreed doing this so we both can be better people and i need your support in this..'

me : 'i have to think about it. can't answer that question right now.because to support each other means there's us, but you don't think there's us [as a couple]'

STBXH : 'ok, i'll wait. what are you up to now?'

me : 'i got 3 jobs to think about [i know i lied,i only fixed 1 job and the other 2 status' are still 'interested to arrange an interview' but oh his expression, priceless!!]

STBXH : '..oh..good. i thought it was going to be hard for you as you know..' *subtext : im not sure you'll do good without me.

me : 'i'm a ****roach. i'll do fine. scary yes, but i am me, and i will survive'.

STBXH :'..oh..okay..just ask for me anytime you need me'

me : *thinking: meh. not in a gazillion years* 'ok'

STBXH :'thank you'

me : 'noprob'

this guy is....oh IDK, he's screaming for a nice punch on his face. or was that me?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LOL...

He was lonely or something so he wanted your attention. It was about him. He wants your support while he breaks up with you? He cannot make it without you? What? He cannot breakup without your support?

It's about him trying to get you to make him feel better about his choices.

Ok... he's got issues :scratchhead:


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

i seriously bitten my tongue not to yell : 'i don't want to divorce , you dimwit. our problem isn't impossible to fix! open your bleeding eyes and face your core issue, deal with it, fix it! wake up, for pete's sake!!'

ATM i;m happy i didn't do that. but arrrrggh


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> LOL...
> 
> He was lonely or something so he wanted your attention. It was about him. He wants your support while he breaks up with you? He cannot make it without you? What? He cannot breakup without your support?
> 
> ...


exactly. what am i?doormat? emergency tire?
this is just his other Jedi mind trick, with that sad looking face. meh.
now he sees that i value something **i bragged a little though. i told him that yes for 5 years i feel worthless with sexless marriage and the pressure from his family; but the fact is, i'm worthy out there, and im taking my chances**

im not making him any choice or make it easy for him. he wants me to support, i will support him, but i'll put him on the last order in my priority list.not that invested anymore. he kicked my butt for years, and now it is my turn to kick his.

after that, i'll be gone and he'll get it too late that he's letting go one woman who loved him 100% but being ignored all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> exactly. what am i?doormat? emergency tire?
> this is just his other Jedi mind trick, with that sad looking face. meh.
> now he sees that i value something **i bragged a little though. i told him that yes for 5 years i feel worthless with sexless marriage and the pressure from his family; but the fact is, i'm worthy out there, and im taking my chances**
> 
> ...


It sounds like the sooner you get out of there the better. You deserve a lot better than a man who ignores you sexually and every other way for 5 years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> i seriously bitten my tongue not to yell : 'i don't want to divorce , you dimwit. our problem isn't impossible to fix! open your bleeding eyes and face your core issue, deal with it, fix it! wake up, for pete's sake!!'
> 
> ATM i;m happy i didn't do that. but arrrrggh


You have told him all of this before, right? Did it help?


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

this is my biggest concern, Elegirl.
i don't want to slip into making the tough choice for him, and take the responsibility.be his big sister or things like that.
somehow, that tiniest bit of me still want our marriage to work out, but IDK right now. i'm just so scared i will give in


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You have told him all of this before, right? Did it help?


yeap, already told him D/Sday + 1 or 2, i guess. and it didn't work.
if it didn't work, i doubt it would work this time.so no use of trying, am i wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What do you mean by D/Sday + 1 or 2?

He did not have any affairs, right?

In order to fix your marriage at this point it would take a huge commitment from both of you. From what you have said he's not willing to put that kind of effort into it. Of course the closer it gets to you leaving, he might realize that he is going to lose you and suddenly become willing to change.

I would go very carefully with this. Not sure that I would believe his willingness to change.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean by D/Sday + 1 or 2?
> 
> He did not have any affairs, right?
> 
> ...


D/S ~ the day he said he wanted to divorce [ and later on he changed his mind, just wanted separation. gray area i think, because he didn't want to do any counseling nor telling me how long the separation would last]

no, none of us having affair(s) or cheating.

i get the same feeling too, just like you said there Elegirl.he starts to feel the doubt, but since he always plays the safe side, i doubt he puts the effort into this.what do i do next beside keep on going with my plans?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK, I figured that was what you meant by D/S but wanted to make sure I was not making the wrong assumption.

At this point all you can do is to keep going with your plans. You cannot live with the marriage as it is. So separate and see what happens. Either he will see the light and become a new man or you will go on and make a good life for yourself.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

At 30, im not actually optimistic that he's going to change. but i will make a good life for myself  thank you elegirl for all your posts here


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You're welcome. 

I have a lot of faith in you. You are intelligent, have spunk and a good sense of humor; all things that will take you far. You will not only be ok but will excel.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You're welcome.
> 
> I have a lot of faith in you. You are intelligent, have spunk and a good sense of humor; all things that will take you far. You will not only be ok but will excel.



thank you. that means a lot to me, Elegirl  i really hope and i will do everything to make my life better.
you are just awesome :smthumbup:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds to me like you handled that conversation very well, Coffee.


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