# Facebook and Separation



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

hi. first post. thank you all for sharing your stories and concerns here. i just found this forum and it already has made me feel less of a pariah in that i see my story already represented in page after page of other posts. thank you.

my wife moved out five weeks ago. for the longest time i had assumed she was laying low on FB in order to get studying done and take care of business. the other night a friend of hers posted photos of a group of girls all painted up and headed out for a big 4th of July night. My wife was tagged in a bunch of the photos but it didn't appear on her wall. And then i realized that i had been banished from her feed. 

yesterday, she changed her profile pic, removed her relationship status and added a quote about "Passion".

i'm still very heartbroken about the loss of my wife (full story to come later in another thread). i've affirmed that i'd like to work it out and have met with a firm"no" and lingering confused silences. i know that she'd been watching my wall and commenting on the changes in me to our mutual friends.

i'm not sure what the right thing to do here is. i use FB to network; so walking away is problematic. do i reciprocate and block my wife. do i un-friend her? block her friends? continue to be naked with information to all in order to not be inflammatory in this difficult time? i don't know what the right etiquette is and i'm worried of "acting out" because of the new revelations. thanks in advance for any help.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, dear.

Well, take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, because I am old, but I am so saddened that at this horrible juncture in your life, facing all the painful steps ahead of you, that your concern is what to do with your Facebook profile.

Keep in mind that no one cares. Everyone is too busy updating their own profile.

Keep your FB, try to stay classy. That's what I'd advise, I guess.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I have to admit I get the same vibe. Question almost belongs in a Facebook forum rather than here?

I think a lot of people that use Facebook for professional reasons have two accounts - one is professional, one is personal. If you were to do that, you could feel more at ease blocking your wife and her friends without jeopardizing your professional goals.

Personally, I've never been more happy than the day I deleted my account.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

lol. well, when you say it that way: i guess it does sound sort of hollow. 

i have a number of other issues but thought i'd save those for a post that had better history attached to it. The FB thing was tangential seemed to distract from the other stuff. My main issues re FB are about whether or not it's stopping me from moving on. Or whether i'm blowing it out of proportion etc. this middle ground between Married and Divorced is a mess.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Your wife has left this marriage and is enjoying her new single life. Unfortunately you will read things on FB and wonder what does she mean by that and try reading her mind.

It is only natural for you to do this -- but it won't help you -- if anything it will just keep you in limbo and quite frankly piss you off.

I suggest deleting your FB account -- and work on communications/networking other ways -- phone calls, emails, texts, etc.

Good luck !!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

_"this middle ground between Married and Divorced is a mess."_

It is indeed, Dear Orpheus, and I'd never make light of that.

I do hope you keep posting here throughout this difficult time, you know we'll support you!

And sorry about the other, I just get peeved at how much power people hand over to the Facebook gods.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

My ex "quit" Facebook last September because she was sick of everyone complaining. She was talking about family etc.

About 3 months later I quit as well.

When she left at the end of March, a few weeks later i decided to get back on it. This was a Saturday. I was having a few drinks while watching playoff hockey and thought "I'm going to delete all her friends and family" (her bestie, aka pro divorce was liking my photos).

I did this because my friends are pretty vocal on Facebook and the last thing I wanted was to spill the beans on her family when I felt it wasn't my place. 

Then I looked ex up and saw she was still inactive.. after much thinking, I deleted her.

So guess what happened the next day.

Mid day my phone and Facebook get blown up.

She reactivates and changes her status from married to single. Not separated or even divorced. Single.

Still had all my friends and family on her list. That's why my phone blew up tons of WTFs 

Of course I called her, she literally logged on to do that then she went to her sisters.

She saw no problem with it, said she was bored.

Then she commented on how I had already blocked her. It's just Facebook blah blah.

Now she has either deactivated it (her status change got a lot of reaction) or she blocked everyone, probably made a new account and is invisible. Even her daughters account can't see her, probably because she knows I can access it.

Doesn't matter though.

IMO, delete all her friends and family.

Although, I still have her parents and sister on my account, I got nothing against them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> And sorry about the other, I just get peeved at how much power people hand over to the Facebook gods.


Agreed. FB is ridiculously imbedded in contemporary culture. I can't fight the haters. I have a mixed relationship with it. And that's the crux of my problem. It's a silly social networking site and i can't clearly figure out a way forward that isn't shooting myself in the foot. Other than... staying classy.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

UpnDown, how do you reconcile unfriending your wife with also trying to work on things or to leave a door open?

btw, thank you for your pages long rant thread. i have many of those same feelings and that thread was the one that spurred me to signing up on these boards. thanks.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

jh52 said:


> Unfortunately you will read things on FB and wonder what does she mean by that and try reading her mind.
> ...I suggest deleting your FB account


jh, to clarify, i'm already barred access to her directly and have only seen things that her friends have posted. which is, you know, bad enough.

why delete the account rather than removing her and her friends?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> jh, to clarify, i'm already barred access to her directly and have only seen things that her friends have posted. which is, you know, bad enough.
> 
> why delete the account rather than removing her and her friends?


IMO you will be tempted to snoop and read things about her -- even though she banned you == you will still be able to see things through common friends, family, etc --- just like you stated earlier about her "passion" statement.

If you delete your account -- you will take this temptation away -- and hopefully find it a little easier to move on.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm stunned you're still asking about Facebook.

Simply amazing.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> I'm stunned you're still asking about Facebook.
> 
> Simply amazing.


i'm sorry, this is oblique and i don't follow. could you expand on this?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> i'm sorry, this is oblique and i don't follow. could you expand on this?


>>jh, to clarify, i'm already barred access to her directly and have only seen things that her friends have posted. which is, you know, bad enough.

why delete the account rather than removing her and her friends?<<

Here's your last post.

80-85% of your posts haven't been about your history, how old you are, if you have kids, what you do, where you met, what has happened between the two of you, your sex life, or anything else that might give others some insight into how you should proceed.

All of this centers on Facebook and how to handle your profile.

I'm just amazed.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Conrad&Janie said:


> All of this centers on Facebook and how to handle your profile.


Got it. It appears i've gotten off on the wrong foot here. As i posted above, I had hoped to go into detail about what my real issues are in a longer thread that talked about deeper and real problems.

I guess i should have lead with that. However this stupid FB thing has been the most recent which is how i started that way.

apologies.


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> Got it. It appears i've gotten off on the wrong foot here. As i posted above, I had hoped to go into detail about what my real issues are in a longer thread that talked about deeper and real problems.
> 
> I guess i should have lead with that. However this stupid FB thing has been the most recent which is how i started that way.
> 
> apologies.


We're all ears.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> UpnDown, how do you reconcile unfriending your wife with also trying to work on things or to leave a door open?
> 
> btw, thank you for your pages long rant thread. i have many of those same feelings and that thread was the one that spurred me to signing up on these boards. thanks.


Well, at least one person can take some use out of my mindfvck rants of the past week. Lol.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I blocked my STBXW months ago. Best decision regarding FB I ever made. I couldn't snoop and I was free to post updates I knew would upset her without fear of them getting back to her. But first I had to purge my profile of all of our mutual friends. I got my own friends at that point.

FB then became a whole new world for me. I reconnected with old friends, kept in touch with new ones. I even reconnected with an old almost flame from high school on FB, and we've been dating for a while now. So it definitely has some value. 

You just gotta block her. It's reciprocal; you won't know what she's doing, but neither will she know what you're doing. And that curiosity will eat at her. My STBXW had her attorney request my FB wall as part of the request for production of documents for her child support request. I laughed and coughed it up. Nothing incriminating on there, bu it does reference my dating and newfound happiness. It took about 4 months for it to happen, but it finally did.

Do yourself a favor and block her and be done with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MY STBXW was and is a prolific FB user, even in the days when we were "happily" living together. I never kept tabs, as FB seemed to be solely her thing and definitely not mine. She would sit up to the wee hours of the morning(2:30-4AM) with the study drawers drawn shut doing her thing. If I ever got out of bed during that time to perhaps use the restroom and opened those study doors up to inquire of her as to when she was coming to bed, having her back turned toward me, she would scream out like a banshee and slap the laptop screen down shut exclaiming that she thought I was a prowler or something.

I trusted her and never checked her laptop or her cell phone. But knowing now what I know, she was richly engaged communicating with OM(friend of her first husband) on FB. Her stock answer to me was that she was busy communicating at that hour either with friends or with European business interests.

No matter how you look at it, FB was the vehicle that greatly contributed to my marriage's ultimate demise!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Larely?


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

my backstory is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/50585-orpheus-separation-thread-long.html#post887325


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## Darrien (Mar 22, 2012)

Man...are everybody's lives lived out on Facebook now?

Check every day to find out if you are still married or not?

...is this where it's got to?


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## Rasbuten66 (Jun 29, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> MY STBXW was and is a prolific FB user, even in the days when we were "happily" living together. I never kept tabs, as FB seemed to be solely her thing and definitely not mine. She would sit up to the wee hours of the morning(2:30-4AM) with the study drawers drawn shut doing her thing. If I ever got out of bed during that time to perhaps use the restroom and opened those study doors up to inquire of her as to when she was coming to bed, having her back turned toward me, she would scream out like a banshee and slap the laptop screen down shut exclaiming that she thought I was a prowler or something.
> 
> I trusted her and never checked her laptop or her cell phone. But knowing now what I know, she was richly engaged communicating with OM(friend of her first husband) on FB. Her stock answer to me was that she was busy communicating at that hour either with friends or with European business interests.
> 
> No matter how you look at it, FB was the vehicle that greatly contributed to my marriage's ultimate demise!


Mine too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i'm not on FB and neither is chad. i don't understand the obsession, and i don't have the time. it also creeps me out that everyone can know your business.
anyone i want to communicate with i call or see in person. guess i'm old fashion!


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## Rasbuten66 (Jun 29, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> i'm not on FB and neither is chad. i don't understand the obsession, and i don't have the time. it also creeps me out that everyone can know your business.
> anyone i want to communicate with i call or see in person. guess i'm old fashion!


I'm wishing there was no FB. The only thing I really like about it is seeing pics of my 1 yr old niece as my sister and her family live a few hours away from me and we don't get to see each other often.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i have facebook, i found my self checking her wall many times a day to see if she changed her marrital staus. i found that to be sick & not part of my healing process, i blocked her, her entire family & any mutual friends. the lies she has told people in the beginning & the worth of those so called friends it's not worth it, i do my blubbering on here, on f/b i post a lot of pics of the new man i'm becoming & get a lot of words of encouragment


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

quick update...

i'm still "friends" with x on fb. as it's a way to allay collateral damage from other people. from the advice here and elsewhere what i did was: a) Unsubscribed my x and her friends and relatives from my News Feed. so that their posts wouldn't show up in my browsing. b) changed their access to Restricted (i think that's the word) so that they can only see my Public posts. c) changed my defaults so that all data from me posts only to Friends and not Public.

So far, i think i've plugged all the holes without actually Unfriending. I will Unfriend when she's served the divorce paperwork and i've signed.

Another tip a friend gave me was to only access FB through your phone. It has smaller real estate and you don't end up scrolling through as much. It's easier to get on/off the phone and make a post or check to see if there are messages than it is to do with the web site.


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