# Finding it HARD



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

H and I have been apart now since August when I left. The kids are managing and our dd goes back and forth between us, son is older and stays with dad.
We have and are doing counseling. H wants to sign an agreement that says if I come home and I am unhappy HE will be the one to leave this time, within 7 days. Of course this is not legal but just something we would have a priest witness as an agreement between us.
My problem is that I don't feel that I love him. Yes I like him, but after his PA of 3 years ago the love never returned. And really the love was not strong before that. He has no sex drive and that was always difficult. He claims that there was very little sex in his PA, not that I care about that anyway. It was all the lying that hurt me.
Anyway, I want my family back. I want to be with my kids full time and be their mother in their home. 
But I just don't know if h and I can be happy, or will I just be faking it? I am sure the day to day stuff will keep us more than busy. He has been trying very hard to enforce rules with our son, and keep his word. 
I hate to throw 30 years of marriage away. And break up a family. Maybe I'm being silly, maybe 'like' is enough. 
He is totally impotent now and with his heart problem he does not want to take ED drugs. Sex is not the be all and end all. But it's just another factor in me feeling like 'room mates'. And yes there are other ways to be intimate, but he has no drive, so anything he will do that way is just a 'chore' he would have to do for me, and who finds that pleasing. But that is not the focus of family life, nor should it be. 
Should I just shut up, return, and be with my kids and try to make a life with him? 
Being separated has been very, very painful.


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

I've been married for 30 yrs. too. I can tell you we have had our good times and our bad times. Several times, in the past, I have felt like you do, and probably will again at some point in the future. How is your communication? Can you talk to each other about what you want & expect in the relationship? What will make you happy? You're in counseling. How's that going? I understand how hurtful the PA and lies were to you. Forgiving is a choice you make to let go of the anger, so YOU can live without those negative feelings in your life. Can you do that for yourself?

You want your family back, and you want to be happy. Decide what 'happy' means to you. Sex is harder for both of us now. We cuddle, hold hands, plan trips toether, and that makes us feel connected. I know my husband would try to pleasure me if that is what I needed. If your husband wants to do that for you, accept his expression of love and intimacy. 

Would you (have you) been happier living alone? Have you started to build a life for yourself? 

When I was feeling like you do, I asked myself if I could find a man as good, kind, & gentle as my husband? Could I be happy living alone, if I didn't find someone else? The answer for me was always "NO". Your answers might be diferent. It's really not so bad living with a friend who really has your back.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Intimacy is the 50% of the relationship in my eyes. If there is no intimacy the spouses became roommates.


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## Brokken (Nov 5, 2012)

My H and I hv been living like room mates for sometime now...sex wasn't a big deal before but,I had an emotional affair and now it seem I miss the intimacy. I did not have 
Sex with my EA..so I knw how ur feeling. It sounds like u need to move on ..u deserve
To be happy and feel loved... I k w 30 is a lot ..but I rather spent the next 30 happy
Than feeling unloved .


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Hi, counseling is going ok. He is making changes to keep his word, but has had some set backs. Ie he told our son he had to pay some room and board, then changed the terms without discussing it with me. So there are still some issues we need to work out. Trust is a big issue and trigger.

I"m not really happy being alone, it's very lonely. I felt crushed at first but am slowly getting more centered, but still not enjoying it. I have our dd part time, we had her later in life and she is still in her early teens. I miss being with her full time. But she was part of the reason I left, she said the stress of all the fighting and coldness was making her lose the will to live. 

My husband tends to be a weak, dependant person. Even during the A he hounded the woman with texts and phone calls. I feel more like a mother than a wife.

But as I said being alone is no picnic either, pros and cons to both I guess. He says he loves me all the time, and would do anything for me.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

What are your and H ages ? Children's ages?....


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

If your H was healthy and no ED and could have sex, would you be happy? Or did his A poison your relationship so that you just can not get over it, because of the server emotional pain?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I am early 50's him later 50's. Kids were had late, 13 and 21. 

Not sure about the Ed, I think it's more to do with the fact that he has no drive or interest in me that way. Not that I'd want a whole bunch, but 'never' is hard to take. So I guess the answer is yes, it would help if we had some normalcy in that dept. I do think it helps a couple reconnect. So maybe the Ed and lack of drive add to the pain and kick my self esteem. 
We have been to tons of MC, lately Christian so it's all about forgive and forget. I do try to do that, despite many triggers. It's very isolating, if I bring up how much he hurt me ( I don't do it a lot) he gets annoyed and says that we can't live in the past. Which is true, but as you say the past can cause emotional pain. So how is that dealt with if you can't talk about with your supposed life partner? I have been for lots of IC, a heck of a lot. 

Maybe the answer is that no matter how much I miss being a full time mom I'm not ready to commit to the wife part yet. 

He asks me to come home everyday, offers to sign anything I want etc. Sigh......
Thanks


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Indicat,, have you made any decisions?


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