# Please help am i crazy??



## RSTING69 (Dec 24, 2016)

I am not one to usually post to a forum but speaking to friends and family about my marriage issue has become a nightmare of different answers and odd support to say the least.

So make a long story as short as possible, as with all marriages, mine started off great, we laughed, drank wine, danced all night, we were romantic and my wife's job, which she was driving an hour and a half to work began to take its toll, my job is mentally draining and hard in its own way but her commute began to bring out another side I had not seen. It became worse and worse as the first 2 years went on, I tried to be a good husband and make sure meals were prepared or started before she got home, house was clean, yard work done, etc. Then she began to start wanting upgrades to the house, which I had lived in before we were married. I wanted to wait but at the time she had the money to make them as our finances were still seperate so I gave in reluctantly and then it was another upgrade and another.....so fast forward to year 3 and she was able to transfer out to where we live now and has a 15 minute commute but her hours were cut a little and she had to take a $2 pay cut which she saved in tolls and fuel came out to about the same pay. It looked like things were going to turn around but the last 4 months have been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Last year we had to sell my moms house and move her into a smaller condo which was EXTREMELY stressful time and I had to do most of the work getting it done as my brother worked odd hours and could not do a lot of the leg work. Some things happened during that time where my sister in law and my wife had a falling out. My wife was invited to my nieces wedding shower but did not go because we were leaving on a camping trip the next day, she truly did not feel like going and just didnt, didnt rsvp or send a card, which kind of upset me but I wasnt going to get in the middle. Then this year my niece had a baby shower as she was pregnant and my wife did not get invited. She felt it was retaliation against her for not going to their wedding (she had a legitimate reason to not attend the wedding) or the wedding shower. So she made it known from that day forward that she was not attending any more family functions on my side of the family until this was cleared up between them. 

Now everyone in the family looks to me to be the peacemaker and solve these issues but I did not see this being one I myself needed to resolve, they are both stubborn and my wife had made some comments during heated discussions we have had over this such as my nieces are spoiled *****es. That really hurt my feelings regardless if they are or not, I would never dream of calling her nieces or anyone from her family such names even if it were true. She has issues with her own family if I failed to mention that, she had complained for years how her mom has never came to where we live which is in a different state since she had moved here 25 years ago. Well her mom decided to come for Thanksgiving and I bought her plane tickets. About a week before thanksgiving this year she had an arguement with her mom and canceled her trip and told her not to come.....after her mom had sent us some money to cover the plane tickets.....I was totally confused....

I just cannot seem to do anything right on a day to day basis, I didnt change the kitchen rag, I did not sweep (when i actually did), she has to do all the cooking and what do i do...um all the cleaning, yard work, shoveling, walking the dogs every day after work, getting up early every morning to let them out and feed them so she can sleep in since we work opposite shifts.....She is looking for affirmation and appreciation for every little thing she does. Like the one thing that drives me nuts is she will go to the store and make it known how much she had to spend.....ok well we have to eat...or how long it took her to prepare a meal even when i help prepare the meals.....

So fast forward now to Christmas, she asked me if I was going to my moms for Christmas Eve as my uncle flew in to be with us. I said well I planned on it are you not coming, she stated if my sister in law was going to be there, which she was, then she was going to just come home after work that day and not come over.......Now I have read many couples with the same issue and it has been pretty much leave it alone go to your families and let her stay home if she wants to do not make her go, so I did not, i did not even ask to reconsider or to just put things aside for the night kind of the whole what would Jesus do....So she tells me its ok to go she will be fine she might go to a friends for the night. Then two days before Christmas I get the ultimate guilt trip...."So are you going to your moms?" I was like um yeah thats what we had decided..."Well do not expect me there and I guess I will just come home and clean the house and spend Christmas Eve by myself then!" I felt lower than whale **** at the bottom of the ocean....I was torn as we already said we were going to be together Christmas Day but now I am like do I tell my family I am not coming because my wife will is not and is staying home alone because she has a rift with my sister in law? or do I just go and say it is what it is. Of course I had to let my mom know my wife was not coming, she was not happy but did not make a big stink about it, my uncle on the other hand was pissed off to say the least and cannot understand why she could not just come over and stay in her corner and just stick with me and not participate with my sister in law. 

I am stuck as my wife is very stubborn and set in her ways, she can be forgiving but is on the outs with her own family over some things she felt hurt over but will not discuss it with them. I cannot talk to her about any of it really as she gets stressed out and worked up and we end up in an arguement especially if I ask her to calm down or speak to me in a rational tone, she tends to get louder and more overbearing as the conversation goes on.

So I just do not know what to do, this is honestly the worst Christmas I will have had to day next to the first one after my dad passing away, my stomach is in knots and she left for work this morning Christmas Eve after I offered to get her coffee, make breakfast and help her to wrap presents for her co-workers with emphatic NO to each. She left for work with a fleeting goodbye not even have a good night, be careful, love you, nothing.......Which pissed me off more than anything and hurt. I am sure she feels hurt that I am going over there and probably feels I am not supporting her by going, but its not about that, its more about my uncle is here who is 80 and may be the last time I will see him on a holiday and I am not the one who has the problem and I do not feel i need to be the one to have to arrange to fix it, they both have cell phones and the capability of calling each other and getting this resolved......

What do I do all this has been really affecting our marriage, I am depressed, full of anxiety, feel like I am walking on egg shells. Oh the best part is she has been asking me at least once every couple weeks if I took out life insurance through work yet, I had applied for it but was denied due to a BP medication i have to take but its not for blood pressure its for a benign heart problem so I do not feel skipped beats....She says she wants to make sure she is taken care of if something happens to me and if I scoff at it she then feels I do not care if she is taken care of....gahhhhhhhhhhhh:frown2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Your wife is on the outs with her family, your family, and mostly your marriage... is this an accurate statement of your current situation?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well I stopped reading towards the end. 

Grow a pair. 

Tell your wife you are going to your family Christmas eve. Tell her she is invited and this is a good time to start fresh. If she refuses and would rather clean the house, let her. Don't feel guilty. 

Be responsible for your own emotions. Let her own hers. You are showing signs of codependency. I was like that. Don't be like that.

My dad passed away at 80. I did not get a chance to see him one last time. 

The life insurance is a non issue. You dont have kids if i read correctly. It is not your job to take care of her after you die. Does she have life insurance for you???


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Grow a Pair. Tell her to stop being a f*cking ***** and suck it up over the holidays then lay it all out with a therapist in the New Year. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RSTING69 (Dec 24, 2016)

Uh yeah basically everyone but her own friends.....


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## RSTING69 (Dec 24, 2016)

Gahhh, Yes XMadame and Blueinbr you are correct, I can be co-dependant and she has actually said that. It just sucks it has to be this way and I have suggested a counselor even medication if thats what it takes but she feels she can solve all the whoas on her own.....been working out well so far....eh hem. Yes I do need to grow a pair and that is exactly what my Uncle said basically....My brother is the same exact way with his wife guess we were cut from the same cloth for sure. Will work on getting a pair, thanks for the advice....


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## RSTING69 (Dec 24, 2016)

Man I do sound like a whiny ***** now that I read my post....I mean there is a lot more **** between the lines but...damn!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm terribly sorry for your situation. 
2 red flags strike me. 
You're being isolated from your family, friends as well? 
Life insurance? Why is she so insistent? Are you ill? 

There is a reason why your family dislike her, because she seems impossible to please. 

Would she agree to counseling? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I hope you enjoy you visit with your uncle. 

2917 perhaps you should get a new marriage, with her or someone eise! Serious adultery is not the only reason to divorce. 

WOW, if you uncle passes soon how could you forgive her for not seeing him. Take the time to read @Uptown posts about cluster B and BPD. Spend some time reading about FOO issues (family of origin).


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rsting, I agree with @*JohnA* that it would be prudent to take a look at BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) symptoms to see if most sound very familiar. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, black-white thinking, and always being "The Victim," -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). 

At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been married for three years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



RSTING69 said:


> She was not attending any more family functions on my side of the family.... She is on the outs with her own family over some things she felt hurt over but will not discuss it with them.


As @*Emerging Buddhist *concisely sums it all up, _"Your wife is on the outs with her family, your family, and mostly your marriage."_ This behavior -- of being easily offended by nearly everyone close to her -- is to be expected if she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits either above or below the diagnostic threshold). Because BPDers are unable to regulate their own emotions very well, they frequently experience very intense feelings that distort their perceptions of other peoples' intentions.

Some people are free bleeders because they lack the coagulation that causes blood to clot and stop flowing out of the body. Well, BPDers are like that with their feelings, with the result that they often do an "emotional hemorrhaging." They are so emotionally immature that, like young children, they lack the ability to shut off or regulate their outflow of intense feelings. 

Hence, if your W is a BPDer, she likely will be super happy when she's happy and often will exhibit full out rage when she's angry. Because he lacks the emotional skills to regulate those emotions, he is unable to do self soothing to calm himself down.



> Uh yeah [she's on the outs with] basically everyone but her own friends.


If she really is a BPDer, she may have many casual friends but likely has no long-term close friends. I say this because BPDers typically get offended easily when people draw close -- and end up pushing those people away. 

The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning, which means they typically deal very well with business associates, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to her two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close R/S that can be abandoned. And there is no intimacy that would trigger her fear of engulfment. 

A BPDer's dark side will start showing, however, as soon as one of those folks makes the mistake of drawing close to her to form a close friendship. Then the two fears will be triggered and she will push the friend away. This is why BPDers typically have no close long-term friends -- unless that friend lives a long distance away.



> I feel like I am walking on egg shells.


If your W actually does exhibit strong BPD behaviors, that is exactly how you should be feeling. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused partners) is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> I just cannot seem to do anything right on a day to day basis.


If your W is a BPDer, you are in a lose/lose situation where you are usually wrong, no matter what you do. This occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one fear without moving closer to triggering the other fear.

Namely, as you draw close to assure her of your love, you will trigger a BPDer's _engulfment fear_ because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, she will quickly feel like you're trying to control her -- and she will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. 

She therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Hence, not changing the kitchen rag may be all it takes to upset her. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering her great _abandonment fear_. Once that fear is triggered, she likely will start love bombing you again to pull you back into the toxic relationship.



> So she tells me its ok to go she will be fine.... Then two days before Christmas I get the ultimate guilt trip...."So are you going to your moms?"


If your W is a BPDer, any agreement you make today on a contentious issue likely will be totally ignored days later. With a BPDer, her perception of reality is dictated by the intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. As soon as her intense feelings change, her perception of interpersonal relationships will change greatly.



> *I cannot talk to her about any of it* really as she gets stressed out and worked up and we end up in an argument especially if I ask her to calm down or speak to me in a rational tone, she tends to get louder and more overbearing as the conversation goes on.


If she is a BPDer, she regards her intense feelings as self evident "facts." This means that it is futile to try reasoning with her whenever she is experiencing intense feelings. Moreover, even if you wait to discuss a sensitive subject when you find her in a calm mood, her inability to regulate her own emotions means that she can go from perfectly calm to strong anger in just ten seconds. The result, of course, is that you have just ten seconds in which to discuss any sensitive issue. Not many marital issues can be resolved in a few seconds.



> I am depressed, full of anxiety....


If you actually have been living with a BPDer for three years, consider yourself lucky that you only feel depressed and full of anxiety. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the abused partners have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

Actually, the crazy making behavior of BPDers typically is not intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their partners. 

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience. 

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to fall in love with a BPDer. That confusion largely arises because the BPDer partner _sincerely believes_ the outrageous accusations coming out of her mouth. And a week later, when she is claiming the exact opposite, she likely is convinced that claim is true too. The abused partner therefore mistakenly believes that, if he can only figure out what HE is doing wrong, he can restore the BPDer back to that wonderful person he saw at the beginning. 



> Oh the best part is she has been asking me at least once every couple weeks if I took out life insurance through work yet.


If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. She believes you will leave her as soon as you realize, one day, that she is empty on the inside. The result is that a BPDer typically will administer a series of frequent $h!t tests to see if you are still loyal. 

Significantly, passing one of these tests does not mean that her abandonment fear is reduced. Rather, it only means that the hoop will be raised higher the next time she demands that you jump through it. The actions that trigger her abandonment fear -- and hence trigger the need for another test -- are _endless_. They include, e.g., walking a few steps ahead of her on the sidewalk, looking at an attractive woman for 3/4 second instead 1/2 second, the "tone" of your statement, or not making her the beneficiary of a new life insurance policy.



> I mean there is a lot more **** between the lines but...damn!


If she actually does exhibit strong BPD traits, there must be _"a lot more ****"_ that you've not yet mentioned. I say this because there are two essential BPD traits -- impulsiveness and abandonment fear -- that you've said little about. The closest thing to impulsiveness that you've mentioned was her sudden decision, only a week before Thanksgiving, to cancel her Mother's trip to visit you.

With regard to a great fear of abandonment, you've mentioned only two actions suggesting that such a fear exists. One is her attempts to isolate you from your own family. BPDers typically do this because they can become jealous of any time their partner spends with other loved ones -- and because the support you get from other loved ones will lessen the BPDer's control over you. The other action which _might _suggest a strong abandonment fear is her getting so upset over your delay in obtaining the life insurance policy.

Yet, if she really does have a strong abandonment fear, you should be seeing other signs. It usually is manifested, e.g., in showing jealousy over harmless actions that really pose no threat to her. It also can be manifested as hating to be alone -- and as trying to control nearly all aspects of your personal life.



> So I just do not know what to do.


I agree with your uncle, @*blueinbr*, and with the other respondents, that you should _"grow a pair,"_ i.e., establish stronger personal boundaries and then enforce them by letting her suffer the logical consequences of her own bad decisions. I also suggest that you read about BPD warning signs to see if most seem to apply.

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to seek help from a professional.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join @*JohnA*, @*blueinbr*, @*Emerging Buddhist*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Rsting -- and have a Merry Christmas, to the extent you can!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Uptown said:


> If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. She believes you will leave her as soon as you realize, one day, that she is empty on the inside. The result is that a BPDer typically will administer a series of frequent $h!t tests to see if you are still loyal.
> 
> Significantly, passing one of these tests does not mean that her abandonment fear is reduced. Rather, it only means that the hoop will be raised higher the next time she demands that you jump through it. The actions that trigger her abandonment fear -- and hence trigger the need for another test -- are _endless_. They include, e.g., walking a few steps ahead of her on the sidewalk, looking at an attractive woman for 3/4 second instead 1/2 second, the "tone" of your statement, or not making her the beneficiary of a new life insurance policy.
> 
> Yet, if she really does have a strong abandonment fear, you should be seeing other signs. It usually is manifested, e.g., in showing jealousy over harmless actions that really pose no threat to her. It also can be manifested as hating to be alone -- and as trying to control nearly all aspects of your personal life.


There are so many good things here I cannot even find a place to begin... I am humbly overwhelmed with how informative @Uptown posts are.

My last six weeks working _*in*_ (not on) my relationship has shown me so many insights that he has shared... with my daughter's diagnosis of many of these challenges a year ago and in counseling the awareness of many of these traits follow my wife's family through her mother, and her grandmother. I'll share more of my thoughts in my own thread though.

The important thing is that we do not try to adjust with codependent tendencies... it is a trap of the worst kind because we see ourselves tasked in repairs we will never fully successful in, berated for, and resentful with.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie is an incredible guide on how to not fall (or stop falling) to these situations that do nothing but frustrate one to unmindful emotional placement with frustration and anger.

One of my favorite mantras lately has been "each day a new canvas"... this is not for anyone but ourselves so we can start with a deep breath and focus on regaining the calm we ourselves hold, and no one can take away from us.

Peace be with you this day as you visit your family and give your uncle a firm hug for all of us behind you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

As the son and husband I feel that if you want peace and resolve you are the one that will have to initiate this between your wife and mother. You leave your wife at home, she will feel that you care more for them than you do her and this will be more tension between the two of you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Full disclosure, I have huge issues with my inlaws, and have cut them off. Their behaviour towards me and things said about me has been disgusting and appalling. Hubby still talks to them though, and saw them Christmas Eve during the day...albeit superficially. I wouldn't ask him not to see them.

What was the fight between your wife and the SIL about? I can understand her not going, but it's not fair to expect you not to go. Has your family said anything derogatory about your wife? If so, did you defend her? If not, that may be the reason she's so upset about it? Don't know...it just seems so over the top otherwise, lol.

I generally believe your spouse should come first always, but there are son/daughters in law who are unreasonable, and your wife sounds like one of them...sorry buddy.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are allowing your wife to use your guilt to emotionally blackmail you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

What was her childhood like with her parents / siblings / aunts and uncles?


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Tell your wife you are going to your family christmas.


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