# Wife not interested in sex but she is masturbating



## Coffee-time (6 mo ago)

Hi, 

Im a married man of many years with two kids. 

The quality of our sex is great. It's varied and can be very exciting. We are open to most things and happy using toys etc. I feel we both thoroughly enjoy sex, when it happens. 

Through the years the frequency of sex has been up and down but I'd say its between an average of 1 to 2 time a week at best to sometimes 1 a month.

Lately she has been really off the idea of sex, and even off mutual masturbation which we do sometimes, but now not interested. 

Iv been told many reasons from tired, busy at work, feeling ugly, not shaved, just shaved and itchy and several others. 

Now I have handled this before when times our sex drives were off (mine has always been high) but recently, several months it's been almost no sex at all.

The reason I'm now concerned is that she knows I masturbate and I like the idea of her masturbating (when we were apart sometimes we would talk to each other and do it, she knows I like it) she's been saying she's not masturbating as she's just totally not into it at all and she's happy for me to do it as she knows she's not wanting anything. 

I've been away several times for a few days recently due to work and other things. I wondered about if she does masturbate still and just not tell me so I checked where she kept the vibrator and noticed each and every time I went away it had changed position, definitely moved. Even when I went away for the day and back at 11pm. Each time I have consciously asked if she's masturbated while I've been away (manged to get it into conversation somehow) and she's said no every time. 

Im concerned as she knows I'm wanting intimacy, sex or masturbating together and she's refusing me. She's also saying she's so not in the mood she's not masturbating but clearly is. 

What does this mean, how should I feel? I feel confused now as I know it's fine to masturbate but to not tell me and pretend she's never in the mood. Why do this, has she just lost interest in me?? 

Thanks


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Either she isn’t interested in you, or that interest has shifted elsewhere. Stop talking and go detective mode. Phone bill visit due.

maybe nothing, but people always have reasons for things or people they do or won’t do.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You said you have been married many years. Maybe “mean-o-pause” has arrived.


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## Coffee-time (6 mo ago)

Thanks for the advice, while it's a possibility I really doubt it thought.

We don't have that much time apart and when I'm away we have kids meaning she can't be off doing other things.

Also, ignoring the sex, we are a very happy couple. Genuinely happy to be together, miss each other etc.

So I (hopefully) can exclude her getting it elsewhere other than battery operated devices


Mr.Married said:


> You said you have been married many years. Maybe “mean-o-pause” has arrived.


Not yet, just hitting 40.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Coffee-time said:


> What does this mean, how should I feel? I feel confused now as I know it's fine to masturbate but to not tell me and pretend she's never in the mood. Why do this, has she just lost interest in me??


You need to talk to her, and not just about masturbation. Maybe she says no because she's embarrassed or feeling put on the spot. Not that I'm saying it's okay to lie or to replace relations with going solo, just thinking that might have something to do with it. 

Talk to her about frequency. Ask her if she still desires you. Ask her if something is missing, inside OR outside the bedroom that might make a difference....


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## Coffee-time (6 mo ago)

Thanks, 

We have spoken about it but over the years as it comes up it's now a topic that can be 'oh not this again'. 
When we've spoken recently I've just been told "sorry but I'm just not into it right now. I don't want sex or even to use my vibrator, it's not you I just have zero desire for it."

It more this that gets to me. I'd understand if sex is not doing it for her right now for whatever genuine reason, but if she's using her vibrator I'm guessing it's something to do with me why does doesn't want to use it with me. She's fine with my masturbating next to her in bed, I've said to get her vibe out and use it at the same time and get the response of oh no not for me but you carry on I know you will need to. 

I think I just want the honesty back


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Before advising you, to what degree are you willing to rock the marital boat to try to solve this problem? 

If the answer is zero, or very little, it is unlikely that much will change. Additionally, if that is your answer, it must not be much of a problem for you. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Coffee-time said:


> Hi,
> 
> Im a married man of many years with two kids.
> 
> ...


Read "What do Women Want" by Daniel Bergner (available in audio) and answer @farsidejunky 's question.

We've had different paths but very similar points of view on this subject and we both agree about taking decisive actions.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

By chance could your wife be viewing porn?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Welcome to the club of two choices. Live with it or leave. Thats what some are alluding to above.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Masturbation is quick, down, and not too dirty.

Mid Life Crisis?

Mild depression?

Boredom?

Maybe, some old resentment is having its way with her, and not you?

She has quit trying, that you already know, _the why_ is yours to grope and grapple with.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If your wife prefers masturbating to being intimate with you, then it’s worth “rocking the boat,” as @farsidejunky mentions above. Because there’s something deeper there than just the one off, you’re on a business trip and she felt like doing that. I don’t question though if my husband masturbates, to be honest because we have a great sex life but if we didn’t, then I probably would.

Not everything that your wife does is a reflection on you or the marriage, though. But it’s worth discussing if it’s making you question why your own sex life has dwindled.

Another option could be there is someone else, but I wouldn’t make that leap if you don’t have a reason to honestly go there.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

_The Great Divide_ between the two sexes.

There will never be answers, only peace, no piece, and calm times, discounting, those periods.



_The Typist- _


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Coffee-time said:


> Hi,
> 
> Im a married man of many years with two kids.
> 
> ...


Hey Coffee, interaction is required here.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Likely some resentment.

Or she feels ugly and meh.

Or she aint getting much when you two do it (not much foreplay, not much excitment...).

Or all the above. Probably all the above.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Coffee-time said:


> Thanks,
> 
> We have spoken about it but over the years as it comes up it's now a topic that can be 'oh not this again'.
> When we've spoken recently I've just been told "sorry but I'm just not into it right now. I don't want sex or even to use my vibrator, it's not you I just have zero desire for it."
> ...


Getting off with a vibrator is quick and easy and no reciprocation, which might have become a chore to her, and usually not as much cleanup, if any. Sometimes it's just all you have energy for, I guess. She probably gets off a lot easier doing it privately. A lot of women need to "zone out" to orgasm. That's not always easy when you're interacting with a partner.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry, your marriage is over sex-wise. Just get used to once in a blue moon if you are staying. Reasons don’t matter.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Coffee-time said:


> When we've spoken recently I've just been told "sorry but I'm just not into it right now. I don't want sex or even to use my vibrator, it's not you I just have zero desire for it."


Tell her you’re taking her vibrator with you since she doesn’t use it. Call her on her bluff / lie. See how she reacts to that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey @Coffee-time , take her vibo prick and leave a picture of your unit in it's place.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Before advising you, to what degree are you willing to rock the marital boat to try to solve this problem?
> 
> If the answer is zero, or very little, it is unlikely that much will change. Additionally, if that is your answer, it must not be much of a problem for you.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


OP, I've been where you are with this exact same situation and the exact same lies being told (saying she isn't masturbating even though I have undeniable proof) 


Read farsidejunky's post many times. Let it sink in. It is the only way you can fix this.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Do 200 sit ups every day, bicep curls, bench press, tricep kick backs (or dips), and then something for your back.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> Tell her you’re taking her vibrator with you since she doesn’t use it. Call her on her bluff / lie. See how she reacts to that.


Yeah, because she'll never be able to replace it overnight through Amazon.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s just too bad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s crazy, right? Treating her like a child over a sex toy.


That's a kind of stuff that causes world war III, acting like you got the right.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's a kind of stuff that causes world war III, acting like you got the right.


I accidentally broke my wife’s because I lost the cap on the USB port or my cat stole it.

I was like hmm… Jeff Bezos come to my rescue! I looked for the highest rated one and ordered it same day shipping.

If I had to give it a rating I think it is 9/10 because at the setting she prefers she likes to put it on my 🥜 and I jump back every time and she says “tee hee”.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s crazy, right? Treating her like a child over a sex toy.


It's crazy right? Treating her like a child because she's acting like one.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s a shame the wife doesn’t do better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can’t imagine why a woman would rather masturbate than have sex with a man she knows has zero respect for her and feels entitled to her body. No interest at all in what’s actually wrong, just grabbing and pushing and taking. (Not the OP, he seems concerned about his wife. It’s other posters advising him to bully her into sex.)


Good grief.😵‍💫


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can’t imagine why a woman would rather masturbate than have sex with a man she knows has zero respect for her and feels entitled to her body. No interest at all in what’s actually wrong, just grabbing and pushing and taking. (Not the OP, he seems concerned about his wife. It’s other posters advising him to bully her into sex.)


Yeah and if he takes their advice, he'll find out that most women don't stick around for the petty controlling BS. He sounds better than that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah and if it takes their advice you'll find out that most women don't stick around for the petty controlling BS. He sounds better than that.


Successful husband here and my advice is sound.

Almost 31 years with my Mrs so I'll stand by my results that you are questioning.

Where are your results?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That's a kind of stuff that causes world war III, acting like you got the right.


Actually, if the spouse is using a vibrator to replace him— I think he does have the right to trash it, bash it, stash it— just like a woman would have the right in my opinion to take a baseball bat to a man’s computer that was using porn, masturbating, and ignoring his wife.

Glad we are in agreement!


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## Coffee-time (6 mo ago)

I've never been on a site like this and realising that I was feeling alone as I didn't want to talk to my friends about this, I really appreciate all of the replies that you guys have given.

To respond to some of the messages:

Yep totally masturbating is quick and easy, totally get it and happy for her doing it. I think it's healthy, it's just that it further makes me feel pushed away. If she doesn't want it with me but is happy on her own how can I not feel like crap. 

Her feeling ugly and meh, that would explain it maybe if I raise it this could be an explanation I could accept. But raising it does open that door, I have to point out Ive checked on her vibrator. I know it's true but fairly ashamed I did it. Very intrusive. 

She ain't getting much when we are together. She always cums, foreplay always goes to she cums then during sex after is maybe 50/50 of she does some more. 

Moving the vibrator... Interesting that would put us in a strange who goes next position. She'd know I know and could choose to confront it or portent to not notice. 

Bottom line I need to decide if I bring it up. 
She could still full on deny it
She could get angry for me intruding on her privacy
I could hear some truth I'd potentially not like...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Better to get the truth now rather than ten years if sexless 


Coffee-time said:


> I've never been on a site like this and realising that I was feeling alone as I didn't want to talk to my friends about this, I really appreciate all of the replies that you guys have given.
> 
> To respond to some of the messages:
> 
> ...


better to get some truth now rather than Tex years of sexless marriage later. Unless you don’t want the truth because you won’t do anything with it.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Actually, if the spouse is using a vibrator to replace him— I think he does have the right to trash it, bash it, stash it— just like a woman would have the right in my opinion to take a baseball bat to a man’s computer that was using porn, masturbating, and ignoring his wife.
> 
> Glad we are in agreement!


The day my husband can reliably do what my vibrator can, and in the same amount of time and with the only the smallest amount of effort on my part then that’s when he has the right to smash the vibrator.

Anyway, if she prefers the vibrator over sex with you it likely means she’s just not that into you and/or you suck at sex/giving her pleasure.

Trust me.

Why men think that just because they possess a penis that it means they automatically provide better physical pleasure or are better company than a vibrator, I do not understand. Look, sometimes wives don’t like their husbands. When wives don’t like their husbands they don’t want to have sex with them. If you do something to annoy us, we generally don’t feel like having sex with you. Doesn’t mean some of us don’t still have a strong sexual drive, we just don’t want to share it with you because something about you doesn’t turn us on in the moment and we just want to be left alone and get a quick, easy orgasm without having to do any work.

Also, sometimes you can get a better orgasm alone with a toy. It can be easier to get the toy in just the right spot when you aren’t also either riding a penis or otherwise have a penis inside you while doing other positions. It’s easy to get things just how you want when you are all alone. If you have really strong orgasms alone with a toy and the orgasms aren’t as good when you are having actual sex, it maybe can become a bit addicting. I have issues with sex but I’ve looked it up and there are many “normal” women out there who claim to love sex but admit that they have better orgasms when solo.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> The day my husband can reliably do what my vibrator can, and in the same amount of time and with the only the smallest amount of effort on my part then that’s when he has the right to smash the vibrator.
> 
> Anyway, if she prefers the vibrator over sex with you it likely means she’s just not that into you and/or you suck at sex/giving her pleasure.
> 
> ...


Let me help you since you’re a little cloudy on this:
Our stupid asses think that our wives actually love(d) us, and yes, experiencing a little pleasure from their husband they love rather than a machine would be better. I also feel I’m better company than a vibrator, but I digress. I suppose the vibrator doesn’t talk about hunting dogs, fishing, and engines. 
I apologize to you for my stupidity.
Carry on.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Let me help you since you’re a little cloudy on this:
> Our stupid asses think that our wives actually love(d) us, and yes, experiencing a little pleasure from their husband they love rather than a machine would be better.
> I apologize to you for my stupidity.
> Carry on.


Just because they love you doesn’t automatically mean that you can provide better orgasms. But that’s right, a lot of men on TAM think their wives just love sex as much as their husbands, even when they aren’t orgasming a good chunk of the time. I mean there are many women who struggle to orgasm during sex, even with toys. They may enjoy sex for the emotional closeness and intimacy, but when it comes to wanting an intense toe curling orgasm they know the toy is the best bet. Sure women of TAM can and will disagree, but again I’ve read a lot about this stuff because of my own issues and there are many women out there who feel that way.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Coffee-time said:


> Thanks,
> 
> We have spoken about it but over the years as it comes up it's now a topic that can be 'oh not this again'.
> When we've spoken recently I've just been told "sorry but I'm just not into it right now. I don't want sex or even to use my vibrator, it's not you I just have zero desire for it."
> ...


Why have you passively accepted a sexless marriage for several months? 
1. Sexual intimacy is a key foundational pillar of marriage. It’s not OK for your wife to make you celibate in your marriage. Your wife doesn’t get to unilaterally remove sex from your marriage. 
Why have you tolerated this for months?

2. I get the impression that you are somewhat passive in your marriage and your wife has more power and authority in your marriage than you do. You need to start leading your marriage and setting expectations and boundaries with your wife.

3. The vibrator isn’t the issue, the fact that your wife won’t **** you, doesn’t desire you sexually, doesn’t respect you enough to take your needs seriously, and the fact that you passively tolerate this situation - is the problem.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Do men really not realize that a woman’s love for her husband doesn’t automatically result in her vagina spasming in orgasmic bliss? In general, men can get physically aroused as well as orgasm much easier than women. Note I say in general since I know there are always outliers. Sometimes I don’t think men can possibly understand what it takes for a woman to really feel good and aroused and to orgasm. Sometimes we just don’t feel like putting in that effort when we know a vibrator is almost always (like 99.99% certainly) going to do it for us and in no time at all, no matter how much we love you. I’m just saying that for some of us, we may become a bit too dependent on the vibrator and a bit too addicted to the easy orgasms it reliably brings. I think that’s exactly what happened to the Catholic wife in that other thread. She probably loves her husband and probably even orgasms during sex with him usually, from what he has described, but she got hooked on the fast, quick, solo orgasm and porn.

I bet if there was a poll asking if you have better orgasms during partnered sex or solo, most men would say they prefer partnered sex. Maybe most women would too, but there’d definitely be a much higher % of women saying they have better orgasms solo than men saying that. I just don’t think men can possibly comprehend how much easier it is for them to get a boner and cum compared to the equivalent processes in a woman (in general). I feel like many men could stick their penis in almost any vagina, within reason, and manage to get off eventually. I’d say in general women need a lot more to be in alignment than just any old penis to be thrusting in their hole.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Coffee-time said:


> She's fine with my masturbating next to her in bed, I've said to get her vibe out and use it at the same time and get the response of oh no not for me but you carry on I know you will need to.


I’m not saying this to be harsh, but rather point out reality that you may not be aware of…
Dude, do you realize how pathetic and unattractive this is? Including to your wife?
What the ****?
You jerking off in bed, with your wife laying right next to you, but won’t touch you. But she’s OK with you masturbating because you need it…? It doesn’t seem like you realize how pathetic, weak and ****ed up your marriage dynamic is?

You seem to have a massive power imbalance in your marriage, and it’s not in your favor. I suspect this is why your wife doesn’t respect you, isn’t attracted to you, and doesn’t want to **** you.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Oh look at that a very sizable amount of women in multiple surveys report better orgasms with masturbation. I’m not alone! I feel vindicated.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Just because they love you doesn’t automatically mean that you can provide better orgasms. But that’s right, a lot of men on TAM think their wives just love sex as much as their husbands, even when they aren’t orgasming a good chunk of the time. I mean there are many women who struggle to orgasm during sex, even with toys. They may enjoy sex for the emotional closeness and intimacy, but when it comes to wanting an intense toe curling orgasm they know the toy is the best bet. Sure women of TAM can and will disagree, but again I’ve read a lot about this stuff because of my own issues and there are many women out there who feel that way.


I can’t argue your opinion because I’m sure you’re right. Just giving you a man’s perspective. Lots of men really love their wives and would be glad to run that vibrator, or whatever else we could do to give them an orgasm because we love our wives (I don’t have one anymore, so hypothetically)……The OP says he and his wife have masturbated together some. He isn’t looking for selfish gratification, he just wants to share some intimacy with her. Sounds like at this point he could stand a little interaction too. Is that wrong of him?
I get your point…. Sometimes you just want a fast, hard, easy orgasm…..
My point: That’s all she’s doing and has cut him off. And lying about it. That’s super hurtful.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can’t imagine why a woman would rather masturbate than have sex with a man she knows has zero respect for her and feels entitled to her body. No interest at all in what’s actually wrong, just grabbing and pushing and taking. (Not the OP, he seems concerned about his wife. It’s other posters advising him to bully her into sex.)





Busy Washing My Hair said:


> The day my husband can reliably do what my vibrator can, and in the same amount of time and with the only the smallest amount of effort on my part then that’s when he has the right to smash the vibrator.
> 
> Anyway, if she prefers the vibrator over sex with you it likely means she’s just not that into you and/or you suck at sex/giving her pleasure.
> 
> ...


TWO SUPER POSTS 
I have said more than once foreplay IS everything that you do from the last time you had sex to the next time 
To the OP are you open to your wife when she feels the need or has sex time become just when you need it .
Could it be that it is your timing is off or has sex become a rerun of the football game of 1978 even if it was the best game ever it gets to be boring, 

You talk to your wife but you don't know how or when to talk to her , it might because for the same reason your timing is off , mammy left to the kids ,kids in the way you sitting around while mammy is getting the dinner , 

WE don't know your wife or her life and if she has falling into doing the same old all day everyday, 
we don't even know if she has a job outside the house or if she has become a slave of her own life and making ,

when we get this type topic there are a few posts that we all ways pull out of the bag , 
the sex toy one ( where you get told to buy her better sex toys and you use them on her like she is a doll and you prod until you get the desired effect, or you dump her toy that has replaced you )
then we pull out the( you must not be romancing her , take her out to dinner and when you get home jump on her )
like as if no woman has see this one coming before 

The market that is out there for people with books internet sites couching on how to get love or how to get a woman to do what ever you want in bed and they all have the same idea play games , like as if they think women know nothing and don't know their own body , it is why these book and others are marketing to the wrong person 
TexasMom hit the subject MAN feels entitled to her body


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Just because they love you doesn’t automatically mean that you can provide better orgasms. But that’s right, a lot of men on TAM think their wives just love sex as much as their husbands, even when they aren’t orgasming a good chunk of the time. I mean there are many women who struggle to orgasm during sex, even with toys. They may enjoy sex for the emotional closeness and intimacy, but when it comes to wanting an intense toe curling orgasm they know the toy is the best bet. Sure women of TAM can and will disagree, but again I’ve read a lot about this stuff because of my own issues and there are many women out there who feel that way.


THINK I WILL JUST SIT BACK YOU READ EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER POSTED, there are things I would like to debate with you but don't want to take over this topic ,


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Not a single thing the OP wrote implied he felt he was entitled to her body. That’s ridiculous to say. Total nonsense.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

intimacy needs to be defined because men seem to have a different idea of what intimacy is 
most men seem to take the idea of that intimacy only starts when the penis starts to enter ,

It can even be why some men end up getting slapped with sex abuse cases, because they don't know they have crossed this intimacy line
Upon hearing the word, you probably immediately jumped to thinking about physical intimacy, but other forms of intimacy are just as important, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. 
In reference to sex, a part of intimacy is feeling safe enough with your partner to share your likes and dislikes. Make sure that you are asking for the same information from your partner. This way, you can facilitate a safe environment where you both feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts and desires. 

Emotional intimacy can be one of the most important factors of a relationship. One journal defined emotional intimacy as involving "a perception of closeness to another that allows sharing of personal feelings, accompanied by expectations of understanding, affirmation, and demonstrations of caring. 

Look, you don't have to watch Jeopardy together every single night, but it can be fun to have intellectual conversations with your partner, primarily if you work in different fields. Find new topics to talk about; simple Google searches pull up hundreds of conversation starters.


If you put effort into having conversations outside of the everyday monotony, it can keep things fresh in your relationship.
While couples don't have to be joined at the hip, shared experiences are important in healthy relationships 

If your mind is open to finding intimacy a good place to start is cuddle on the couch. 
Speaking of listening to your partner, make yourself available to them


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## Coffee-time (6 mo ago)

I definitely do not feel entitled to get body at all! Although, I do not want to stay in a sexless marriage, it wasn't before and with one change comes another change. 

Thanks for all the replies, some were refreshing to read and others opened my eyes a bit too. 

I brought this up this morning as we were up and kids asleep. 

It was a very good and needed conversation. 

She didn't realise the effect it was having and pointing out the obvious fact that she can get off when I'm not there but didn't feel it when I am... Its a clear issue that would cause me to feel ****ty. 

The bottom of it is she is really my happy with her body and doesn't feel sexy so with me this feeling stops her from getting in the mood, despite the fact she may want it... Confusing but I get it, men just typically don't work like that. 

Now it is open we are going to find a way out. 

Thanks again, it's been amazing being about to voice a very personal issue and have some great responses too.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She is really unhappy with her body? Oh Lord... good luck with that one!


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Oh look at that a very sizable amount of women in multiple surveys report better orgasms with masturbation. I’m not alone! I feel vindicated.


It is also because women are equiped to sleep with more then one guy in a row. Also the way male penises look like indicate that. But that is another story.
You can see that in apes, who still do such things. It is a left over from the past. We (men and women) evolved mentally, but physically not so much.

Therefore it takes a lot more to get a women to climax compared to men.
Toys seem to do the trick for some women. 

Many women are therefore left unsadisfied after a performance with a/one male. Ask yourself, why would you keep attending a dinner that leaves you more hungry afterwards?

But humans are creative and men should become creative. You have to trick her sytem and provide her with lots of stimulation down there that equals maaany p****s.

I am not saying this means women want to sleep with lots of men by nature. 
It is just our physics are still adapted to that, but our minds aren't anymore. Most of the time at least....

And if the wife feels ugly and therefore doesn't wants to have sex, it is still a result of her never getting the maximum sensation during sex. The point were you don't give a **** about how you look like or what time it is.
She is still to focused on pleasing her husband and that is the result of not getting excited enough.

In addition for women there sre orgams and there are orgasms. They aren't the same. We can orgasm and they can be terrible or plain boring. It is just a weird almost unpleasent reflex down there.
On the otherside we can have orgasms that are the best thing ever.

Therefore, don't assume just because a woman has an orgasm she had a great time.

The problem is, a lot of women don't realise for ages that orgasms can be different and better then what they experienced so far. A lot of women don't even realise they didn't have experienced an orgasm in their whole life until it suddenly happens. Some won't ever have one and will never find out they never had. Yes, it is sad, but it happens.

Usually as we get older we find out how to get really great orgams. 
But usually and unfortunately we discover this phenomen by stimultating ourselves and not while performing with a men. 
That's maybe why some women start to replace sex with masturbation.

And those women who never find out , might be those once who completely give up on sex once they are older.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Coffee-time said:


> I definitely do not feel entitled to get body at all! Although, I do not want to stay in a sexless marriage, it wasn't before and with one change comes another change.
> 
> Thanks for all the replies, some were refreshing to read and others opened my eyes a bit too.
> 
> ...


Glad you talked and she engaged with you.

I hope you are able to reassure her about your love and attraction and I also hope she feels safe and sexy with you.

There are a lot of patterns repeating themselves with sexless marriages and a lot of it is women losing interest with their husbands though there are a lot of women being denied by their husbands too but there isn't as much research being done there yet.

If the issue is fully that she is insecure about her body, that can be overcome by your love and relentless affection if she is open to trusting you.

It can also be a fine line for you to walk because you could put miles on the path of positive affirmations of her desirability to you and have it all undone by one off color remark or joke.

Mrs. C had body issues that might have gotten in our way at least once.

I'll share what we did if you need it but I hope you are getting this speed bump in your marriage solidly in your rearview.

Best wishes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am just gonna throw this out there:
She’s not having sex with you for 5 or 6 months. Surprise! She has an EXCUSE.
She’s not happy with her body……whatever.

Do you know how many big old gals there are out there that are dying for some sex?

I know that being uncomfortable with ones appearance is real. But if a oerson wants something enough, they do it.

your wife has stopped wanting sex with you. If you accept her excuse, you are going to have a sexless marriage. None. Duty sex every blue moon at best.

I don’t foresee this EVER getting better for you. It gets harder to control weight, and peoooe age period. So no more sex because she’s older?

Think about this: what has SHE done in all these moths to discuss things with you abd fix this? Nothing. Because she’s fine not having sex with you.
Also, let me add that she could do something called turning out the lights of this was an issue. It’s not. The issue is she doesn’t want to have sex with you.

this is just my opinion. If nothing changes, nothing is going to change. Are you accepting no sex or not?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

people stop having sex for many reasons it is wrong of us to put it all down to one thing ,
stress is one of the things that affects sex drive 
other things like anti depression pills are well known to affect 
body image can 
as can the pill 
work and over worked or work worries


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I hope the OP has good luck dealing with his difficult wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Low self esteem and body issues can shut down a woman’s libido.


So how is it fixed, or can it be?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So how is it fixed, or can it be?


I revved up the romance and sex machine and loved my woman so much she didn't have time for her feet to touch the ground.

She gained a bunch of weight years ago when she quit smoking and I went through a process of heightened support and love while she figured out a new balance to get back in a shape she felt good about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So SHE was looking to find a way to fix things? Or did you lead the horse to water and she drank?

I will admit I’ve had zero experience with a woman losing her sex drive. I think I’ll rethink opening my mouth about it.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Coffee-time said:


> I definitely do not feel entitled to get body at all! Although, I do not want to stay in a sexless marriage, it wasn't before and with one change comes another change.
> 
> Thanks for all the replies, some were refreshing to read and others opened my eyes a bit too.
> 
> ...


How did you start the conversation this time so that it didn't wind going down resentment road again?

Would you say your main issue here is more a) her lying and covering up her masturbation sessions or b) her loss of interest in sex with you, for whatever reason? I think the answer will provide a lot of insights.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> So SHE was looking to find a way to fix things? Or did you lead the horse to water and she drank?
> 
> I will admit I’ve had zero experience with a woman losing her sex drive. I think I’ll rethink opening my mouth about it.


I think this was to me.

She was interested in fixing her issues and I became very supportive and upped the romance and sex up to a level that didn't give her a lot of extra time to let her body image get in the way.

Her poor image of herself could have easily negatively impacted our sex life of I had behaved differently.

We still had a couple of bad moments but she never shut totally down and kept communicating.

She actually applied herself and changed our entire diet and exercise outlook.

I'd probably be dead or overweight and taking medicine for diabetes and high blood pressure as well as suffering other heart disease right now if she hadn't done a lot of work to alter our health outlook.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

What about adding the vibrator to your foreplay? She gets to cum that way and you follow suit.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

It's possible that people with low sex drive do not even seek out self-pleasure and…It's like, 'Use it or lose it.' Gynecologists often tell patients that the best way to keep the sex life going and the act pleasurable is to do it more often.” If sex toys make that easier or better then you're probably on the right track.

BUT what type toy is best , my wife has a rabbit ,I bought it for her it was only used a hand full f times ,


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> It's possible that people with low sex drive do not even seek out self-pleasure and…It's like, 'Use it or lose it.' Gynecologists often tell patients that the best way to keep the sex life going and the act pleasurable is to do it more often.” If sex toys make that easier or better then you're probably on the right track.
> 
> BUT what type toy is best , my wife has a rabbit ,I bought it for her it was only used a hand full f times ,


The multi-speed bullet is her fave, but others please, too. Kinda depends on her mood at that moment.


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## CarlLaFong (7 mo ago)

If your wife is unhappy with her body maybe some of that is on you? Make sure she knows that you are more than happy with her body and not just when you want to have sex. Do it at random times. Compliment her when something she wears brings out the color of her eyes. If she thinks she's fat tell her that she has a "girlish figure". Next time she asks you what you're doing look at her and say that you're just enjoying the view or that you're undressing her with your eyes. Make sure that she knows that she's attractive and desirable and that she's on your mind more than she actually knows. Help her feel better about herself (and maybe feel better about you).

Think less about getting into her pants and more about getting into her head.

Spend time with her alone. No kids. Take her to a movie or a play. Walk or go for a bike ride and talk to her about things that are important to her - work family, etc and really listen. Engage. Ask questions and be genuinely interested. Help her relax and feel comfortable with you.

When you're buying groceries pick up a treat just for her. Get her flowers. Treat her more like a girlfriend and less like a wife. Make sure that she knows that she's special.

Foreplay doesn't just start when you hit the mattress. If you're doing it right it goes on all day every day.

Just my 2 cents.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

CarlLaFong said:


> If your wife is unhappy with her body maybe some of that is on you? Make sure she knows that you are more than happy with her body and not just when you want to have sex. Do it at random times. Compliment her when something she wears brings out the color of her eyes. If she thinks she's fat tell her that she has a "girlish figure". Next time she asks you what you're doing look at her and say that you're just enjoying the view or that you're undressing her with your eyes. Make sure that she knows that she's attractive and desirable and that she's on your mind more than she actually knows. Help her feel better about herself (and maybe feel better about you).
> 
> Spend time with her alone. No kids. Take her to a movie or a play. Walk or go for a bike ride and talk to her about things that are important to her - work family, etc and really listen. Engage. Ask questions and be genuinely interested. Help her relax and feel comfortable with you.
> 
> ...


correct about foreplay


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Personally, I was no longer interested in sex, due to treatment from my LH. Also though, my husband was not someone who took kindly to direction. He would go to give me oral sex and it would be however HE thought it should be give . It didn’t matter if it was painful for me, I should have just been thrilled he wanted to do it.

It was a major turn off. Now that being said, I never refused my husband sex. Maybe should have, but I didn’t and he didn’t care whether I was satisfied or not after a long time, he just used me as the vessel. Sad. 

Anyhow, maybe she’s afraid to share with you her needs changed perhaps? You say it’s always been good when it is happening but you just never know if you aren’t really communicating and the fact she is masterbatinf and not being truthful is telling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Coffee-time said:


> I definitely do not feel entitled to get body at all! Although, I do not want to stay in a sexless marriage, it wasn't before and with one change comes another change.
> 
> Thanks for all the replies, some were refreshing to read and others opened my eyes a bit too.
> 
> ...


So she's feeling self-conscious about her body and that's how a lot of women are. If you've been doing it in the light, turn the lights off and see if it helps her. If you've been doing it with her completely nude, tell her you're okay if she wants to wear a garment of her choice while having sex. I know it sounds so silly to men because they've already seen it all, but that might help a little. Good luck, and I mean that sincerely not facetiously!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Coffee-time would couple's counselling be of potential benefit?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Sorry, your marriage is over sex-wise. Just get used to once in a blue moon if you are staying. Reasons don’t matter.


Tint your exterior windows *blue.*

Sex, every full moon, at minimum.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CarlLaFong said:


> If your wife is unhappy with her body maybe some of that is on you? Make sure she knows that you are more than happy with her body and not just when you want to have sex. Do it at random times. Compliment her when something she wears brings out the color of her eyes. If she thinks she's fat tell her that she has a "girlish figure". Next time she asks you what you're doing look at her and say that you're just enjoying the view or that you're undressing her with your eyes. Make sure that she knows that she's attractive and desirable and that she's on your mind more than she actually knows. Help her feel better about herself (and maybe feel better about you).
> 
> Think less about getting into her pants and more about getting into her head.
> 
> ...


This is all very good.

That said, sometimes you can do all of the above with zero movement of the needle. When that happens, often times the quoted actions are in fact counterproductive. 



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:- *Folks, please remember the topic of this thread is "Wife not interested in sex but she is masturbating."

It's purpose is to help @Coffee-time and, through him, his wife.

If you feel the need to debate other members or other issues, please do so, but not within his thread. Thank you.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Hate to say this, she's interested in sex, just not with you. Unless you suspect there is a chance she is getting it elsewhere, you need to confront her head on about it.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

drencrom said:


> Hate to say this, she's interested in sex, just not with you. Unless you suspect there is a chance she is getting it elsewhere, you need to confront her head on about it.


needs can be strong


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

drencrom said:


> Hate to say this, she's interested in sex, just not with you. Unless you suspect there is a chance she is getting it elsewhere, you need to confront her head on about it.


She might like orgasms but feel "meh" about the actual act of sex?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> She might like orgasms but feel "meh" about the actual act of sex?


...or maybe can't orgasm from sex but can from masturbating?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> ...or maybe can't orgasm from sex but can from masturbating?


that is possible, very possible.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> ...or maybe can't orgasm from sex but can from masturbating?


See post 32. She can and does. 

Which is why this isn't good. She isn't interested in sex with her husband and is choosing masturbation instead. It's a problem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wonder is she's related to @Busy Washing My Hair .


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Livvie said:


> See post 32. She can and does.
> 
> Which is why this isn't good. She isn't interested in sex with her husband and is choosing masturbation instead. It's a problem.


Agreed. I missed that post (32)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As far as I’m concerned when a woman goes 5 months or whatever without wanting sex and hasn’t even talked to me about it…….I’m really not gonna be interested in talking further. I’m giving her walking papers.
Life is too short to spend with a woman that doesn’t care about me any more than that.

The only person in this relationship that cares is the OP. One sided relationships suck.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> As far as I’m concerned when a woman goes 5 months or whatever without wanting sex and hasn’t even talked to me about it…….I’m really not gonna be interested in talking further. I’m giving her walking papers.
> Life is too short to spend with a woman that doesn’t care about me any more than that.
> 
> The only person in this relationship that cares is the OP. One sided relationships suck.


I kinda agree. 5 weeks would be an extreme but MONTHS with no sex and no reason but she is taking care of herself...yeah thats a problem you may not solve with talking.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> She might like orgasms but feel "meh" about the actual act of sex?


That's possible, but if she is using a vibrator, I don't know. I am willing to bet if Brad Pitt were in the room, though, we'd find out differently.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CarlLaFong said:


> If your wife is unhappy with her body maybe some of that is on you? Make sure she knows that you are more than happy with her body and not just when you want to have sex. Do it at random times. *Compliment her when something she wears brings out the color of her eyes. If she thinks she's fat tell her that she has a "girlish figure"*. *Next time she asks you what you're doing look at her and say that you're just enjoying the view or that you're undressing her with your eyes.* Make sure that she knows that she's attractive and desirable and that she's on your mind more than she actually knows. Help her feel better about herself (and maybe feel better about you).


Doesn't work... a woman with body image issues always think you are lying, you can't possibly like her fat body and that you are only saying that to get in her knickers...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Women that don’t love their husbands don’t give a damn about a compliment from them, but will walk barefoot over hot coals to hear another man tell them they smell nice or something trivial


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

Coffee-time said:


> We have spoken about it but over the years as it comes up it's now a topic that can be 'oh not this again'.


If this is the attitude she has towards listening to your needs and concerns, then I think there are bigger issues here that you guys need to sort out.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Wonder is she's related to @Busy Washing My Hair .


I was wondering the same thing, actually.

I actually liked my husband for a few days last week and didn’t mind having sex with him during that time. Then he’s been nothing but nonstop annoying the past 2 days and I’ve told him it’s very unattractive. The last thing in the world I want to do right now is have sex with him.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I was wondering the same thing, actually.
> 
> I actually liked my husband for a few days last week and didn’t mind having sex with him during that time. Then he’s been nothing but nonstop annoying the past 2 days and I’ve told him it’s very unattractive. The last thing in the world I want to do right now is have sex with him.


Happy for ya? Maybe ?


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