# Damage control -Gossping friends



## redscooter (Aug 13, 2016)

I broke that famous marriage rule that states you should never talk badly about your spouse or relationship to "friends" and now it's biting me in the ass!! 

My marriage isn't great, but it's not nearly as bad as some. I ran my mouth to a close friend who has been there since long before I was married, about the pain in the ass day to day goings on of our marriage including all the things my husband does or doesn't do. The conversations at times even went as far as to contemplate divorce. Which, when angry can seems like a God sent, is not where my heart is and not something I want to do.

Unfortunately, this "blowing off steam" has spread to other women "friends" in the area. Apparently, two of these women have taken to using "behaving like Mr. RedScooter" as the go to insult to their own other haves. Another went right up to my sister-in-law and asked her if it was true that I was filing for divorce with out even skipping a beat! 

I feel so stupid and angry and horrible. I'm a terrible wife and here I was thinking I was gaining perspective on my "awful" husband when I was the one being so hurtful. I couldn't imagine being him and hearing about any of this from some third party person out of the blue. 

I reached out to the close friend I originally spoke to because it's obvious that it spread because of her. I told her it was my fault for running my mouth, and that I just don't want my marriage/husband to be the topic of conversation around town, she hasn't responded. 

I don't know what to do or how to contain the situation. Obviously, step 1, stop talking about my marriage/husband to anyone going forward, but what about what is already out there?

TIA


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Would you feel comfortable going to your husband and just telling him what happened? That way he would know right away instead of its eventually getting around to him, if you think it would.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Sorry you're here @redscooter

I'd recommend:

Step 2: Talk to your Husband, and tell him what's going on. All of it. Before it all comes back to him anyways. Explain that you're going to do everything you can to fix this, and that you're not at all interested in filing for Divorce. Lay out for him that you're going to do the following 2 things, and ask what he would like you to do.

Step 3: Contact everyone you can think of that does know what's being said, or even may know, and explain to them what you just said, and that you would appreciate it if they didn't spread anything mean or untrue about your Husband.

Step 4: Get in contact (face to face probably) with the blabbermouth that let the cat out of the bag, and explain that they need to stop. And that you won't be trusting them with anything sensitive like that ever again.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

We all have our days when we moan about our spouses. 
Having a trusted friend who knows that you are venting is necessary. 
You don't have a good friend there, they gossiped. 
Let them gossip, soon it will be old news. 
But be careful about who you confide in next time. 

If you still want to be with your husband, tell him you were having a frustrating day at the time & overstated too much information but didn't really mean it. 



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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

All the above advice I agree. I would just remember next time to choose who you vent to wisely. Know that now that this particular friend is unable to keep personal info to herself, i am sure she has great qualities and I wouldn't hold it against her , some people are natural vaults and other people are very open and sharing. I guess it about knowing what your friends are like and choosing wisely who you can vent to for things you don't want others to know. Hope that helps . Good luck and take care . 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Honey, try not to beat yourself up so much. I think all of us have to learn this lesson the hard way once in life.

DEFINTIELY go directly to you hubby, tell him you ran your mouth while upset and apologize and ask for his forgiveness. 

It will be okay.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> Would you feel comfortable going to your husband and just telling him what happened? That way he would know right away instead of its eventually getting around to him, if you think it would.


I don't think it matters anymore whether she feels comfortable, she has to tell him before he hears it from someone else...it will get back to him.



Kivlor said:


> Sorry you're here @redscooter
> Step 4: Get in contact (face to face probably) with the blabbermouth that let the cat out of the bag, and explain that they need to stop. And that you won't be trusting them with anything sensitive like that ever again.


I'd go one step furthere here...I'd be telling the b!tch in no uncertain terms that our friendship is over and to never ever contact me, nor discuss me and my family again.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree that you need to talk to your husband and basically tell him what you've told us here. It will be rocky for a while, but this is one of those things you'll just have to work through. Tell him, apologise, then let it go and don't bring it up again unless he wants to talk about it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

I agree with telling your husband NOW.  Don't let him hear it through the grapevine.

It's hard to imagine someone being so stupid, that they didn't know that your grievances were private; and not to be told to anyone else who would listen.

That said, what you said in your first sentence is right: don't tell other people about the problems in your marriage. The only place that that is a barrel of laughs, is in TV sitcoms.

You tell your spouse, or a therapist, or vent here on TAM anonymously.

It's very rare to find someone completely trustworthy. That's just an illusion that we want to believe in.

And your "friend" may have enjoyed spreading dirt about your marriage. I disagree a bit with the advice to tell her you're cutting her out of your life, etc. etc. She sounds kind of low and mean (by what she's already done). I'd just quietly disappear from her life. Stop getting together with her (sorry, we're busy), don't initiate communication, if possible don't attend social functions she'll be at for a while.

Some people don't appreciate being "unfriended", and the last thing you want right now, is her getting her ego bruised and deciding to do a gossipy hatchet job on you as well. Just let the friendship die off. Don't give it any more of your energy.


Live and learn. I hope it all works out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I hear you sounding full of regret. But would you put your money where your mouth is? Or is it just bs? Time will tell I guess. I'll bet a few months from now you'll still be friends with this woman.


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> ... It's very rare to find someone completely trustworthy. That's just an illusion that we want to believe in.


I couldn't agree more.

I learned many years ago that no matter how good the friend, expect that at least some of anything you confide in them will not be kept confidential. I choose what I say accordingly.


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