# Tired of being ignored



## 4cku7 (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi everyone, I'm new here...

Ok so I've been married to my husband for 6.5 years. We were together for a little over a year when we got married. We were both young and I ended up pregnant so my mother (who is an evil narcissist) used my distress and emotional state to push me into getting married so I wouldn't disgrace the family...even though she was STILL not married to MY father at the time, who she met and got pregnant by while he was still married to his first wife...yeah...

So anyway...our relationship has taken a long slow road downhill since we got married. He ended up taking a job shortly after we got married that required a lot of his time. Over the next 5 years, the hours only got worse. He worked more and more hours and 6-7 days a week. I was begging him to leave there and find something more normal where he could be home more. He finally left about a year ago and now works a 9-5 job. I thought we would be able to grow closer since we would have more time together. Instead he literally ignores me. Quite often I find myself answering my own questions because I'm staring straight at him...talking to him...but I get absolutely NO response. He is also the master of distraction. If I say "hey can we talk" or "let's spend some time together" all of a sudden there's something else he HAS to do RIGHT NOW...get the kids some food, do the dishes, run to the store...whatever. He will always find a distraction from me. Plus he gets frustrated and snippy with me if I ask him a question about something important like our finances or making a dr. appt. etc etc. Every time I ask him why he does that, he either says "I don't know" or "I didn't mean to" or he just literally sits in silence. I know he doesn't like conflict - he has told me numerous times - but I'm running out of patience with the excuses and lack of effort to communicate. The last straw for me was when we had a date night (RARE) and he spent most of the time texting back and forth to his friend from work. He does NOT behave the same around other people, so I know it's not any kind of medical issue. And I am POSITIVE he's not having an affair...he has issues with body image and he's never had much of a sex drive. 

Please help! I would like to figure out why he ignores me and pulls away and won't talk to me. He says he loves me, but it doesn't feel like it 

I didn't want to make this so long...I'm sure I've skipped over some details.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

well.... it sounds like your language of love is quality time (the others being verbal affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and gifts). So, when you say you sit with him and beg him to talk to you and he fails to respond, he is failing to show you love in the way that you hope.

I have two questions for you:
1) is he showing you love in other ways that you are failing to "see"? For example, is the fact that he works long hours to (help?) support you and your child one of the ways that he is showing you that he is committed to your relationship? 

2) Have you tried to use positive feedback to let him know what you are seeking?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds to me like he is trying to avoid you. Could he be resenting something and taking it out on you?

You say he has never had much of a sex drive - has it been that way throughout the whole time you've known each other? That seems odd. Could he be depressed about something?


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## 4cku7 (Jul 12, 2012)

Couleur - I have been thinking exactly along those lines lately. That maybe he just sees his "job" in our relationship as being the financial provider and doesn't understand my needs for a more social and intimate relationship. I have talked to him about that before, and he did tell me that work was really important to him when he was working so much...but he says he feels differently about work now (because he felt taken advantage of at his other job). However, I don't really see the change in attitude that he says he has. Instead of working outside the home 70+ hours, he now works 40 hours and then comes home and finds things to do here. I have told him that I appreciate the fact that he works so hard...but other than that I'm not sure how to go about giving positive feedback. He and I seem to be on 2 different pages most of the time and I'm struggling with communicating effectively with him.

Acorn - It does feel like resentment to me and like he is avoiding talking about whatever is bothering him. I have asked him about that several times but he denies that anything is wrong.

I have also thought that he could be depressed, but he says he isn't. I don't think that totally true though. I think he gets depressed about our finances because he feels like he's never making enough money (even though our finances are actually pretty stable). He comes home from work and searches for jobs constantly. He says he likes his job though. I'm so confused! But the more you guys get me thinking about it, the more I think the issue is tied to work and/or pressure he feels about being our sole provider. 

The sex drive thing...I don't get it. It seems like it was like that since we have been together. The only times he had a high drive were during my pregnancies...then I couldn't get him off me. I used to think it was the fact that he could get me pregnant that made him nervous to have sex...but he's had a vasectomy now...so I don't think that's the case. He says he wants to have a sexual relationship with me....but he never initiates sex. I can't even get him to make a move when I try to let him know I'm in the mood. I have to literally say "HEY I WANT SEX SO HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!" to get him to do anything!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It sounds like he disconnected himself emotionally from you. 

One way that you might be able to get it back is complimenting him. Try and be as positive as possible. Tell him you love him. Write a letter of all the good qualities about him. Take baby steps and maybe he'll come around. Thank him for the simple daily tasks he does.

I know when I'm feeling down/bad and I complain, my husband backs off. I try my best to be as positive as possible. One thing I do not do is nag. I would never get anywhere by nagging or complaining. When I compliment my husband, I've noticed he wants to be by me more often. I've gotten his attention to where he seeks me out to sit by him holding his hand. My husband works 3 jobs. Since his promotion, he's been at his full time job 3-4 extra hours a day! Plus he exercises every night. It's been challenging finding time together since his promotion. I'll send him messages how much I appreciate all he does. In fact, I'm off to do this now. It's been a while since I emailed him. It brightens his day.

Good luck.


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