# My Story-- It hasnt been easy.



## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

So I guess i'll start by telling a little about me. I've been a stay at home mom for the past 3 years. I got two little girls (3 years old and 1 year old) and my (im unsure of what to call him) soon to be ex is in the military. I have gone to school (still plan on continuing), was doing the playdates, gymnastics (for my oldest), swim lessons, cleaning, cooking, baking (its my passion). Needless to say I was doing a LOT.

Now to what happened- I had thought he was cheating when I got out cell phone bill and his text messages were 1400 in one month. Now he normally texts around 200 or under. I asked him and he claimed it was when he was on a det to Key West and was "keeping" tabs on the guys. I just shurgged it off as find i'll take it now. Then the next month (June) he was coming home an hour or two later then normal. His response "I had paper to enter into the computer" mind you hes never told me that. Or He got caught up.. Blah Blah.. Then I decided to check the status on our cell phone in the middle of the month and he was up to 1200 text messages in the middle. I check his call list and he was calling 1 number 500 min out of the 800 he had used. At weird times too- might night, on his way to work, on his way home from work, at home, on his duty days... 

I confronted him May 20th after he got home from work. He didnt want to tell me but i got it out of him. He was seeing a girl he works with and has for the past 2 months. They've had a sexual relationship while still doing things with me. (now i'll just kinda sum up from there to now)

He said he wanted to work on it we went to counseling. (I went twice he only went once.) He said he was gonna stop calling her but started calling her home number instead. about 2 weeks later he moved out of the house (all on his own) and moved into the barracks. He was only allowed there for 10 days. After that he claims he was sleeping in his car but i assumed he was staying with her. He now wants out and is staying with that. 

So now i've moved out and living with my parents with my girls. Hes living with her now and has been for the past few weeks. I have stopped all phone calls/texts with him. I tried my hardest to keep him but he doesnt want it. He has told me "I cant stand being around you any more" Which i dont know if he really feels that or if its her saying **** to him. He sees the girls but its only 1-3 hours it really depends and "seeing" the girls is him sitting on the couch sometimes sleeping while they play with their toys. Now that i've moved down here he hasnt seen the girls but its been just a week. 

I cant say i havent been a ***** to him since finding out because yes I certainly have. Im incredibly hurt, angery, shocked and sooo confused. He choose this for ME and My girls and never once asked if its what we want. Its all about his selfish ass. 

He claims hes coming down here to see the girls but we will see. I've started filing for my legal separation (doing it this way because i havent work in over 3 years and finding a job has not been easy. This way since we are still "technically" married we will still get the BAH {housing allowance} and i can at least pay for a place or help my parents with food and all that.) we have to be Legally separated for 6 months then we can file for a motion to make it a decree of divorce. 

I dont know what I want from this post. I just feel I need support, any advice. Anything I should be doing or shouldnt be doing? Im trying to be ok on the phone but sometimes I get those moments where im extremely pissed (that hes living with her, that he choose her over me, I gave him two kids and helped him and he treats me like this) and i just give it to him. But hes not to the point where he just hangs up.. So im done.. 

I know im not alone in this but I dont know anyone IRL whos gone through this.. Im surprised and so is everyone else by his actions. 

This is not that man I married.. This is not who I want to be married too..


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

the book love must be tough is probably your best bet. You need to find strength in yourself and respect yourself during this time. That means drawing clear boundaries and letting him face any and all consequences for this. 

I really am sorry this happened to you. It's not your fault. He chose to seek another woman and lie to you when he needed to put that energy into your relationship. You probably both messed up and had some issues, but this next relationship is basically doomed to fail. They virtually all do. When the butterfly ware off and the constant gifts, romance, and attention of a new relationship stop, it will die. He should have been texting you 600 times a month not her. 

Lastly, things get better emotionally after about 2 or 3 months, but leading up to that it's pretty horrible. Abandonment, rejection, contempt, anger, resentment will all be there. Do as much as you can to focus on the good in your life. It will get better. There may be great things in your future and you need to make it there. 

Legal separation is a good idea. Be sure is is paying for his share of the children and supporting you. The law is there to protect stay at home moms like yourself who forego a career to focus on raising good children. 

You are 100% right that this was selfish and although you had put the last many years of your life into building a family and children, he wanted to follow a crush. 

If you are religiously inclined, get involved in that in a big way. 

Best of luck and God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

anx said:


> Legal separation is a good idea. Be sure is is paying for his share of the children and supporting you. The law is there to protect stay at home moms like yourself who forego a career to focus on raising good children.
> 
> You are 100% right that this was selfish and although you had put the last many years of your life into building a family and children, he wanted to follow a crush.
> 
> ...


Im unsure of what law you are talking about. I know that I was told that since im not working and to figure out the Child Support amount they have a assumed amount of what I should be making for my age and use that in the "calculator" that they have. With what I "should" be making and what hes making im only getting 250 PER child a month. So I only get 500 a month for both kids.. I feel that is not right.. 

I've started going to church the last 2 weeks and my oldest (shes only 3) is going to sunday school. She seems to enjoy it and im enjoying myself too. 

I've started feeling a bit better about myself. Not dewelling on the situation.. I guess i feel more human again you could say..


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I mean the law in general. Both divorce and legal separation are there to protect women in your situation. 

There is a good book called total forgiveness that you should maybe read. Forgiveness really is giving up your will to harm someone back and leaving any consequences for God to figure out. It's fine to still protect yourself from further harm and not ever let him back into your life. Strive to not hold anger, hatred, and contempt against your husband. He lied to you and sinned against you. 

I'm very excited to hear your are back at church. My story is in my profile and I returned to it in a big way. I have been pretty inactive on the site and felt lead get back on and respond to your post. I can basically promise you that God will be with you in a big way in this time. In my own story I have seen God move mountains in my path before I even knew they were there. It's creepy sometimes how things have worked out perfectly for me in some situations. 

The other advise I have is to read the bible. Start at James and 1 peter and then skip around from there. Those two books are very short reads. When I get home from work totally unable to cope the only rest and peace I find is there. I usually get home from work an emotional wreck and totally drained and emotions flying, take a short nap, fast till sundown(its only 3 hour right after work) and read the bible and connect with God when I'm missing a connection with my wife. I'll finish the bible for the first time in my life in this 6 month separation. 

God won't abandon you like your husband did. He does have great things planned for you. 

Blessings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

These are the verses that were very important to me at the start of my separation.



> Philippians 4:4-10
> 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
> 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


The command is Rejoice in the Lord always. Not just when things are good.



> 2 Peter 3:8-9
> 8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.





> Job 1:20-22
> 20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
> 
> “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
> ...


He praised God even with what was going on.



> Proverbs 3:5-6 (the whole chapter is good)
> 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
> and lean not on your own understanding;
> 6 in all your ways submit to him,
> and he will make your paths straight.


http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+3&version=NIV

Finally, this one called me to serious prayer


> Joel 2:12-15 (13-32 is relevant)
> 12 “Even now,” declares the LORD,
> “return to me with all your heart,
> with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
> ...





> Isaiah 55
> 1 “Come, all you who are thirsty,
> come to the waters;
> and you who have no money,
> ...





> Deuteronomy 7
> 9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments. 10 But
> 
> those who hate him he will repay to their face by destruction;
> ...


Isaiah 41
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+41&version=NIV

although this situation is terrible for you, God will have a plan for good for you. I have been reminded so many times that his ways and thoughts are not our own. Often the plan that I think is the best fails and God presents something more amazing than I could have imagined or produced on my own.

Lastly, do not make your husbands sin your sin. Be the better person. Chose your path and words wisely. 

Blessings


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

<speaking from a place of anger at present>
he sounds like a ****
</speaking from a place of anger at present>

sorry to hear you are going through this - I too know no-one who has been through a separation of this magnitude, i support previous comments around the fact that he needs to understand the implications of his actions.

wish you all the best


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Girlx, I wanted to read your story here and post to let you know that you aren't alone. This website is a great place to start, definitely check out the "Coping with Infidelity" section. anx gives great advice, he's a really good man. 

Sounds like you are just ready to move on and heal, and it really is a process. Probably about 2 months after my H moved out, I started to realize it was time to kick into survival mode. I realized that I wasn't going to get closure, and that no matter what I had to be a mom, and I was doing a crappy job of that by moping around and crying all of the time. People gave me advice on here and I just couldn't let go of the idea of my family being happy together. I finally did.

A lot of people will disagree with this, but I think what helped most was to go out and meet new people. You probably don't realize it now, but you've lost who you were when you met your husband. You've put your all into your marriage, being a wife and a mom, and you've neglected yourself. You children are very young, and they need you, but you also need yourself. Take some time to mourn the loss of the marriage, and then realize you'll be better off without him. Check your area for some meet up groups, maybe divorce support groups, or even try dating. I went on several dates, and talked to men on the phone, but I went into it knowing that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I just wanted to be able to go out and enjoy someone's company and be ME, and be liked for being me. That helped TREMENDOUSLY! I knew that I had to be careful, and I just stayed away from getting attached to anyone. Kept it casual, light, and fun. 

At the moment, I'm in a relationship, and I'm 5 months post-separation. I hadn't planned for this, and honestly, had promised myself I would take a lot of time to be single and go out and test the waters. But this is a love story meant for the books, and I can't wait to share it with everyone here on TAM. I'm saving that for the "Life After Divorce" section, since it's a gloomy place in there. 

I look forward to my future, and I can look at my ex and not hate him, though I do have a lot of disrespect and pain associated with him and his choices. I pity him, really, in that he's now in this relationship that will not be fulfilling and my kids are in the crosshairs. He's living with her, going from one warm bed to another without learning anything. He's selfish and looking for inside fulfillment from an outside source. Whereas I'm able to look inside and see who I am and how I contributed to his affair. An affair seems like a fairly obvious reason to divorce someone, and it's easy to look and say, "we were happy before SHE came along" but in all reality, that isn't the case. Infidelity isn't the cause of a divorce, it's a symptom of a broken marriage. Very hard to accept and it took me awhile to realize. The problem is, the communication wasn't there, so the one that is sitting and wanting to fix the marriage is often unaware that the spouse had been unhappy. And often, as in my case, I didn't realize how unhappy and unfulfilled I was. 

Now, I look at my new friend and see how greater things are possible. And no matter what, I'll never go through that whole ordeal again, because I've learned something, and I'll respect myself more the next time and not put up with any of that crap. Not saying that this new relationship heals the pain, or erases my stbx, because I don't believe this is a rebound. Just that I can now see how important I am as an individual, and I've gained a ton of new confidence. I will never again base my self-worth and identity on a man that I'm with. And that was a hard lesson to learn. 

Your kids are young, they'll bounce back, and hopefully their dad is involved in their life. But no matter what, they will know that they were loved by their mother and always put first. I wish you luck, and I'm here if you need someone to talk to!


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

Ok.. So I wanted to post this nice post.. of course it was going to be long.. but its not going to be nice. 

He came down to see the girls today. Took DD1 to her gymnastics class and then after that took both girls to the park/water park for about hour and half. Came back and DD2 went down for almost 2 hour nap. (which is great). Then he hung around my parents house sat on the couch.. fell a sleep a few times.. Then we went to a park (yes all 4 of us) for 1 hour.. Then came back and i put DD2 down (i dont want him in my room) and then DD1 went to bed.. Well she woke up screaming and he was just patting her back trying to calm her down.. after 5 min he came and got me along with my mom.. told me to calm her down that they couldnt. I got her to calm down.. She had a bad dream about a monster and she had to run away to get away from him and not be afraid (her words).. I just told her she needed to use her words to tell me what was wrong.. and i got it out of her.. Was not hard. 

Well after all that we did argue and yell and of course tears were shed. I told him i dont understand. Its not fair. He cant give me any real reason.. Besides blaming me. His NEW reason is because im a SH**TY wife and that he would come home to a messy house and dinner wasnt ALWAYS cooked.. I thought i was his wife not a maid/chef.. He said im an AMAZING mother but a Crap-tastic wife.. (not that word more harsh though). I told him that I'd rather my house be messy and my girls have an AMAZING day instead of a horrible day because mommy is scrubbing tile. 

I just dont know what to do.. What to say.. what to think..

My parents help each other. My mom loads the dishwasher and my dad unloads. My mom washes the clothes and dries and my dad folds and puts them away.. Such a concept!! 

I was doing School full time (all online), Taking care of my girls, The house work, A dog (the last few months), paying bills, grocery shopping, MOPS, Play dates, DD1's gymnastics on the weekend (an hour away so we would stay at my parents every friday night and go home sat).. I NEVER had Me time.. EVER.. If i did go out and get a pedi i would get a text of "when are you coming home" "are you done yet" "DD1 wants you" "DD2 is crying" UGH he needs to figure it out.. He is their dad too.. 

I need help.. Advice... PLEASE!!!


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

You sound amazingly driven and organised and I've no idea how you can fit so much in to a schedule! 

I agree totally btw with putting kids first.
Is he fishing around for a new excuse for his actions? - and the affect it's having, because cooking and cleaning has got to be from the bottom of the barrel.

Bit random but wonder if he is intimidated by the courses you've put yourself through

IMO the only way for things to work is if both parties help with the day to day stuff no matter what
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Before an affair there are usually issues. You were both 50% to blame. It's very common that when kids happen husbands get jealous. It's more fun to come home to dinner, romance, closeness than to come home to a great mother. The balance is hard for a lot of couples. 

Either way, your husband should have been talking to you about that instead of texting another woman 600 times. He is still scum for going the easy route. Again, when the newness of this new relationship wares off into the reality of talking about and fixing issues, it will die. Just like you husband couldn't talk your daughter down from a nightmare, he couldn't talk to you. 

The other reason he is telling you this now is he has actually put time and energy into thinking about it. Also, it's blame shifting. If it's your fault for being a bad wife, then he is justified and not guilty. His emotions will be messed up. He will have serious guilt on his heart the rest of his life for good reason. That will often come out as anger, blaming you, being distant to you and your daughters, and whatever else. 

The reality of parenthood is two parents need to serve their kids who can't function without them. The kids need to be taught everything. That means that together time might be limited to 20 minutes at night and date nights. Those things need to be important and kept up and made a priority. 

However, unless your personal view and drive is to be a (christlike) servant towards your kids and spouse, you won't be happy. If you want to come home TO a servant instead of come home and BE a servant then you won't be happy. The selfishness will make any good thing be not enough. You may only get food made 5 nights a week, and then be mad and so screw some homewrecker who will make you steak every night to lure you in(then when the steak and bjs stop or slow down, you are in the same selfish spot) . Instead, you need to come home willing to make food for your wife and kids. 

Your life was fulfilled by serving your kids and husband. Service toward family doesn't come naturally to a lot of men. We have to chose to be a servant. 

Blessings


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Ephesians 5


> 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
> 
> 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
> 
> ...


*

Giving yourself up to your wife and treating her as your own body is directly opposed to selfishness. Men are call to be servants and woman to submit. Those are the biggest failing points for men and woman in a lot of marriages. Men like to be selfish. 

You can say the same wisdom without using bible verses, but it remains the same. Selfishness kills a marriage. (you mentioned how you liked that your parents help eachoher. Again, that's being a servant and being selfless) 

If you come home with the expectation that dinner will be done then you often 1) don't appreciate it and 2) if it's not done you are mad. Expectations are really bad at times. Instead, your husband should have focused on the fact that 3 to 5 of 7 nights a week dinner was done. Cheating on your spouse and justifying it that dinner wasn't done 1 or 2 nights a week truly shows what your husbands mindset was. Selfishness. It's laughable to even compare cheating to dinner not being done. The fact that he brought it up as a justification shocks me.

Lastly, your husband chose this path. I would highly suggest limiting contact to important things about the kids. Any discussions you have with him will simply produce the same garbage reasons for cheating. Really, nothing he says on the subject is worth listening to or bothering yourself with. Chose a better path in your own life. I'm so happy that your parents can support you in this time. So many women don't have that option and are left almost destitute. 

Blessings

Edit: I keep laughing thinking that one of your justifications for cheating on you was that you ONLY made him dinner most nights of the week. Sometimes these forums are hard to read, but truly stupid things like that stick in my head. Again, I'm so sorry your husband chose this path and hurt you so much in the process, but his reason for cheating on you is truly laughable. I think down the road you'll see with more clarity how this man have up something great for the stupidest reasons you can think of. Please, if he tells you more of this garbage, either don't listen or laugh at him.*


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

anx said:


> Before an affair there are usually issues. You were both 50% to blame.
> 
> Either way, your husband should have been talking to you about that instead of texting another woman 600 times. He is still scum for going the easy route. Again, when the newness of this new relationship wares off into the reality of talking about and fixing issues, it will die. Just like you husband couldn't talk your daughter down from a nightmare, he couldn't talk to you.
> 
> ...


I completely AGREE!!! I do know there is issues NOW. He has claimed he tried to fix our marriage. But whenever I talked about how we were doing or if there was anything wrong he would tell me that we are doing great and fine that nothing was wrong. Then where does he come up with "I was fixing our marriage" bit? I cant stand being lied to especially when I know the truth.. I think that is also what ticks me off. I do know now looking back that there were times when I could of changed how i acted or been more loving. But at the time I had so much on my plate. I tried to have him help me and explain to him what was going on. But he didnt care obviously. 

He claims he couldnt talk to me. Which i have no clue why. He had a hard time just talking. I would ask how his day was and he'd brush me off. Fall asleep right after work on the couch. I understand he works all day and its long. But maybe im tired or frusterated. Whenever i mentioned I was tired i would get the "but you stay home all day" "I actually work!" He doesnt know what it takes to be a stay at home parent. He could NEVER do it. 

My kids are always my first priority. Everything I do is for them. Not say that they arent one of his top priorities but it seems they have fallen on the sidelines compared to the OW. He's skipped seeing them a few times or only stayed for an hour to visit them to just leave to see her/stay at her house.

To me in a marriage/any relationship I feel its a give and take. You help each other to make it work. One cant be putting in Over Time while the other is only putting in 20% to making it work. I just dunno. He obviously didnt respect me as his wife let alone as the mother of his children. 

He has claimed that the girls will get their own opinions of him. Which I agree they will but in all honesty they wont be the greatest opinions. I know what I would think if my father did this to my mother and then thinks that I would have so much respect for him when im older. 

btw- this is also the first major cheating (sexual) but not his first time cheating. After I found out about the OW i asked if he had cheated or done anything before her. He admitting to kissing a few other women a few years back for a while. Which he would have been on the boat (they come and go every other month and deployments for 6 months + ) So whenever he said he cant wait to get back to the boat makes sense now. He could cheat on the boat and I wouldnt know. Now that he's on shore duty its harder to cheat and not get caught. Well now its obvious. Who knows how long he would of cheated on me without telling me. 

How do I let go of the anger?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

what happened to you is very common. Read through my story in my profile. I also didn't know things were wrong. My wife has a ton of hurt to work through before we get back together, but I love her even if sometimes she treats me like garbage because of all the hurt. I very much appreciate her that she hasn't given up even when things are very hard. 

Your husband chose to cheat instead of say "I love you but not in love with you. We need to get in mc. " a ton of couples go through mc. Many people hear those words. Marriage is hard, but can be saved even from a crisis. Your husband chose to not tell you and chose to cheat. He is scum. 

I think you did mess up your priorities. Your husband should have been first and kids second. However, that's something that you talk about and work through. 

I laughed again thinking that the worse part of for better or worse was you not having dinner ready every night. Lol. 

Get std tested before you have set with anyone else or for your own sake. 

The grieving process is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. You will very likely go through depression once the anger fades. I'm on antidepressants and they have been great. I have a history of anxiety and depression. If you have a history of it, get on meds now if possible. 

Again it takes time. You will feel 100% better in 2 to 3 months. Until then it will HURT! I heard somewhere that loneliness and pain are processed in the same area of the brain, and I belive it. There have been times I've been floored with emotions, pain, and sadness. I'm actually in a really good place right now 3.5 months in. Again, the only peace I found was in my faith. I would take a nap, and read the bible, and pray when I couldn't cope anymore. Connect with God when you are missing the connection with your husband. I would break down a few times a day about 2 months in. I had a quiet spot at work I went to to pray and read. 

The anger will also go away with forgiveness. Let God sort out the consequences. There will be consequences. 

The anger will so fade if you let it happen. Write down how you feel every day. Write a letter to yourself about how much of a piece of sh*t your husband is. Let it all out and don't bottle it up. Talk to someone about it. If someone listens to the 110 ways your husband wronged you, you will feel better. Do that often. You cannot talk enough in this time. Every time you talk, you will feel better. 

Don't talk bad about their father to your daughters. They will get it on their own. Tell them when they ask or are ready. Tell them that he will always be part of their lives, and you still love and care for your husband even if he is scum and spends the next 20 years of his life eating dirt because of this. Force your kids to maintain a good relationship with their father even when they feel abandoned and don't want to talk to him. They will appreciate it when they are older even if they don't at the time. 

Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough. Your goal needs to be to work out support stuff and survive the next 3 months of emotional distress. It will hurt a lot. Promise yourself and promise for your kids that you will survive this and come out a better person. I made myself and anklet I wore 24 7 for 3 months. It reminded me to survive even when I was having suicidal thoughts often. I promised I would uphold my faith, my marriage, my self, my job, and my future that I would make the best of this. 

Stay strong and lean on others and God in this time. Your children with be a responsibility but a huge blessing and encourage and company in this time. 

Remember that what comes out of your husband mouth and his actions are meaningless garbage. You probably won't get closure from him. Protect yourself in your interactions. He will spew vile words and poisonous thoughts. They are all garbage and laughable. Every marriage has issues and things to work through. Your marriage was no different from the billions of marriages that came before it. 

Prayers and Blessings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

also record everything and talk to a lawyer soon. If he misses days or support, it all matters. If he can't keep his visitation, he won't get custody. Save and backup every conversation you have. Email is great. 

Apparently, you can have your phone conversations automatically saved through a google service(grand central? ) but I'm not 100% sure of the details. Wiretapping laws say that you need to inform the other person that you are recording and differ from state to state. Find out what the requirements are in your state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

Ok.. He came down this weekend to visit them but stayed at my parents house. Which is where we are staying. Hes living with the OW- I drove past her house (or trailer) the other day and its in a trailer park and not a very good one either. I dont know where in it (her room or the couch-assuming her room with her) hes staying. He has to be out of there by Nov 1. He says hes getting his own place but he wont be able to do it on his own. So he needs to find a roommate (hoping it wont be her). Hes having surgery (bunion surgery) this friday. He claims he'll be down here the next weekend for his visitation but from what i've read its a pretty long recovery from that type of surgery..

Annoys me that i've tried to get him to get the surgery for the last year and he NOW does it now that we are separating/divorcing. What does that mean?? Why now..

He has also said he now wants to help me and pay my car payment/ car insurance (it gets taken out of his pay every month already) and our cell phone.. What should i do? I've told him no. But I dont have a job. I've been a Stay at Home Mom for the past 3 years. Im working on trying to get a job but its not easy. Hes going to give me money this coming paycheck.. 

He keeps asking me for passwords to our bills which I only have 1 which is my cell phone. But the cell is in my name.. I dont want to give it to him and have told him so.. 

I have also deleted him off my FB page. Which upset him and he requested me as a friend again. Saying he wants to see pictures of the girls and see what they do on a daily basis. I feel that right now I dont want to give him that open window to my life. I know i could limit things he can and cant see. I just dont want that right now. 

He has said I was a ****ty wife this weekend and that he was working on our marriage for a LONG time. I asked him for examples and the only example he gave me was he would ask how my day was.. Like that would fix a marriage. He has also mentioned that he hates me.. That no one has put that idea in his head. That he hates me because im me?? 

I honestly dont know.. THEN today he called again to talk about finances.. (i just wish i didnt have to talk to him) I have said I dont know what you want me to say about it.. I said im working on getting a job. That I cant afford to support me and the girls on Min wage that I need at least 10-11 (as a min) to barely make it by.. I said I understand you hate me and i was obviously in your eyes a ****ty wife. But im working the best I can with the circumstances you've given me. They arent the best conditions to work under and im working the best I can. That I cant work any faster on it.. Then he tells me that Im strong and I CAN get through this..

So he tells me he hates me (which he did in that convo) and then goes on to tell me Im strong and I can get through this..

Whats that about too?? UGH!!!


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

OH and the night he stayed down here our 3 yr old had a major night terror. I figured i'd try to let him handle it and he couldnt. So after 5 min of her screaming i go in there and get her calmed down. He then walks past me and lays on the house in her room. 

AND the OW is now starting to get a bit clingy? He was on the phone with her when we were getting back from church and talked for a min then said "Im going to go, No Im GOING to go, IM GOING TO GO, IM GOING!" to her on the phone.. So she obviously didnt want him to get off the phone.. 

I think thats it... 

We have no contact other then when he calls to talk to the girls (ok he only talks to our oldest) and he talked to me yesterday and today about our finances for maybe 15 min at the most. I make not calls or texts to him. 

He has asked me to unblock the OW number so they can text again.. Should I do that? I thought it might make me look like im trying to be nice? Again i want this to go as smoothly as possible.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm a little confused about the phone block. Unblock if its so that your H and the OW can text. Don't be the one making the consequences. Let God decide those. The block is OK if its so that she can't text you.

The clingy part is funny. A woman willing to sleep with a married man isn't going to be a Godly and upstanding woman. Of course, there is always the possibility of redemption and salvation, but apart from that, this woman will not make a good wife. Your H will regret this decision. He never valued and appreciated what he had.

I think the thing with your daughters nightmare is such a perfect example. He wasn't able to communicate with her just like he couldn't communicate with you.



> So he tells me he hates me (which he did in that convo) and then goes on to tell me Im strong and I can get through this..


 Again, protect yourself from his words and actions. They will be useless venom. You are strong. You juggled a lot before this all happened. You can do this, but your right that it will take time. If you need to limit conversations to e-mail so that you don't have to deal with some of this garbage. 



> He has also said he now wants to help me and pay my car payment/ car insurance (it gets taken out of his pay every month already) and our cell phone.. What should i do? I've told him no. But I dont have a job. I've been a Stay at Home Mom for the past 3 years. Im working on trying to get a job but its not easy. Hes going to give me money this coming paycheck..


 I think you should allow him to help. Refusing money before a divorce sets a weird precedent.



> He keeps asking me for passwords to our bills which I only have 1 which is my cell phone. But the cell is in my name.. I dont want to give it to him and have told him so..


 I think you are OK in not giving him this. 



> I have also deleted him off my FB page. Which upset him and he requested me as a friend again. Saying he wants to see pictures of the girls and see what they do on a daily basis. I feel that right now I dont want to give him that open window to my life. I know i could limit things he can and cant see. I just dont want that right now.


 IMO, I think this is OK for a time, but tell him he'll get more access when your not hurting so much. Post pictures somewhere else (google's picasa?) that he can log into and see if thats ok with you, or just wait for now and re add him as a friend later maybe.



> Matthew 22
> 34 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
> 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”


Make sure you are following this as much as possible. Evaluate yourself in this. Ask yourself how other people see interactions with you. Have you 100% given yourself to God (not 98% and unwilling to let God into a certain corner of your heart.) Love your husband even if he doesn't deserve it. Christlike love. Still protect yourself and give strong boundaries with your husband. You may not be able to do that yet however, but strive for it in time. 

Blessings and Prayers.

Come out of this a stronger and more Godly woman. God may have a great new husband selected for you, but it might be two years before you meet him. Trust in God, pray hard.


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## Girlx (Aug 19, 2011)

The reason her number was blocked was we WERE going to try to work it out. I had also turned his phone off when he had gotten the pre-paid cell phone. He got that turned and I assumed he had also unblocked her cell phone number. Until the other day. When i said I dont understand why you NEED my information for my cell phone. I dont look at how often you and her are calling, I dont look at how many texts messages with her you are using. He then said Remember I cant text her you blocked it. Then i asked if he wanted it unblocked and he said Uh yea that WOULD be great. 

I will add him to my page sometime. I just feel right now that I dont want him to have that much look into my life. Its private and he cant see anything. 

I did look at his page. His step mom (who hates me-- I know is telling him **** about me and probably making things worse) had comment on on his page. And he told her "im good love you momma." He has told me how much he wants to write her out of his life and all that. Hasnt called him momma for ever and NOW he does.. It doesnt bother me really. I find it funny actually. 

I try NOT to talk to him. Hes the one who calls me.. I have not yet called him. Only when he calls and I miss it. Like last night when I was putting lil one to bed. Which i called back twice he didnt answer and that was that. He didnt talked to our oldest last night. Hes the one who calls me.. 

So what he does when he needs a break is drive around.. Well when he called tonight he was driving around. I asked why and he claims because he wants too.. There is no money in the account for him driving around because he wants to. But then again thats not my problem. I just again think its funny that hes driving around. Hes already acting that way with her.. I hope its driving her batty.. 

The last 2 talks though I havent yelled or argued with him. So thats a plus and good sign I hope. 

Thank you for all your advice.. I really appreciate it sooo extremely much.

Im loving church and my oldest LOVES sunday school. H and I had talked about doing this for the last year and hes the reason we never went. Im extremely glad Im going now and I love the church I go to.. Amazing people there.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm glad I can help if even just a little. When I was desperate for help and guidance, the advise I got wasn't very helpful. All of my own story has taught me a lot that I try to share when I can or have time.

I agree with church. I hadn't made it a priority for a long time, and now that I am putting the effort in, I'm meeting people and being more encouraged that I had ever hoped for. I have learned so much from my own story, but rarely was it on my own time frame. God's plan and position (job, future relationship, growth for you, and whatever else) for you may be a day or years away. I have prayed hard so many times for a quick fix and a miracle, and looked back months later and see how God showed me what I needed to see or know on his time frame in a way I could have never imagined. Waiting and patience isn't my strong suit however.



> The last 2 talks though I havent yelled or argued with him. So thats a plus and good sign I hope.
> 
> I try NOT to talk to him. Hes the one who calls me.


 Both probably good. When he does get mad, yell, call you names, or anything else on the phone, politely but firmly end the conversation. There really is nothing good that will come of hearing his garbage. The greatest witness you can be to him is to not treat him like garbage back and show him any hint of love (not romantic but friendly or kindness) that you can. Even if your marriage is over and dead (some survive things like this), your husband is still (probably) a lost soul. Just one that has hurt you tremendously. Try to see him as a broken creation of God and not through these actions, rensenent, anger, and hurt.

My ending up finding this tread wasn't an accident. I can't give too much more in the way of concrete details, but it was no mistake. I rarely spend time here anymore because of my schedule. I'm not sure what that means other than God is watching over you and wanted me to help. You likely have someone doing spiritual warfare by praying hard for you or someone up there likes you. 

Blessings


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

One final piece of wisdom. If your husband comes back begging to get back together, have a response ready. Although it might not seem like it now, I think there is a very real possibility he will see how stupid he was. I would suggest saying something like "I will get back to you, but the answer is probably no/or I will consider it" (depending on what your heart says and where you are lead in the next months and years).


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