# my temper is running my wife away



## superspanky36 (Jul 25, 2010)

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, I'm just trying to get a little insight from others before my therapy starts in a few days.

My entire family has a bad temper, including me. All of my siblings fight with their spouses often, but my wife is ready to leave over it. We have tried talking things out in the past, but I never have seen that I really need to get help with this, I always just kinda thought everything would be ok. I have never been physical with her or anyone else, and never would be. It is verbal, and to me I grew up with it so I always thought it was just normal. But I get angry and start arguments over the tiniest of things. Small things like the way she drives, it doesn't even really bother me all that much but I still end up spouting something hurtful out. I know it is stupid of me, but for some reason I just say it.

There has been a lot of stress in our few years of marriage due to money, jobs, etc. My typical way to get away from that is to play video games, which just makes the situation worse because then I don't give her the attention she deserves and she thinks I ignore her.

Now she is close to leaving. As soon as I found this out, I immediately sought out counseling (to help me improve my attitude and hopefully lose the temper). I wasn't angry she wanted to leave or take a break, my first reaction was to fix the problem. I want help, I want to change, and I want to make her happy. I want her to go to some counseling sessions with me so we can work out the little things that need worked out. However she isn't sure if she can ever be happy again. I am willing to put every ounce of my heart and soul into fixing myself and repairing our marriage and being the man she thought she was marrying, but is there any hope or any way to make her see I mean business? She really is the love of my life, and part of me wants to just let her go so she can be happy elsewhere, but the rest of me wants to fight my *** off to make this work even though she seems to be against it. What should I do?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

superspanky36 said:


> What should I do?


You sound like you don't want to get the counseling unless your wife gives you some indication she will stay. But isn't that the easy way out of counseling? You should make every effort to improve yourself whether the marriage can be saved or not. Besides, your sincere effort is the one and only way to show her you are serious.


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## superspanky36 (Jul 25, 2010)

Thanks for the response. I do want counseling, regardless of if she stays or goes. Also I wanted to clarify something...when I say temper, I mean I get upset easily and argue about silly crap. I don't like black out or see red and throw things and threaten to hit or call her names and stuff. In fact I make sure every day to do things like tell her how much I appreciate her and love her and how beautiful she is. I'm not trying to downplay the fact that I get out of hand over small crap, I'm just confused a little.

Also, is it wrong to want a little extra attention when she is out of town at work for the week? I have recently lost my job due to a budget cut and I was one of the cuts. I have no friends, because I devoted all my time to work and her. She works a few hours away and stays with a friends mom. She's always been kinda a textaholic with her best friend, like a couple hundred a day. I asked for her to send some of those my way and that was being controlling because she denies texting anyone that much, although the bill shows it. When I pointed this out, she yelled at me for looking at the bill and said this means I don't trust her at all. 

Sorry if I don't make much sense. I'm very confused and wanted to see how some of you successfully married people think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, are you sure it's a female friend she is texting?

Second, women often stay married until they simply have no love left - and THEN announce they are done. But she was probably telling you all along, and you didn't pay attention. So the first thing you need to do is pay attention. Listen to her. CARE about what she cares about. Make her feelings a priority.

It will likely take her at least 6-12 months of you consistently being angry-free before she'll believe it's not just an act. Are you up for it?


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## superspanky36 (Jul 25, 2010)

Yeah it's definitely a female friend. It still upsets me because even after telling her what I saw she still denies texting her all the time. On one hand it doesn't bother me because it is her best friend, I would never tell her to stop talking to her. On the other hand, she only tells her friend the bad parts and the friend hates me because of this. So her friend blows the things up and to my wife they look even bigger now.

I try often to make her feelings a priority. Even down to something small like dinner, she will say what she wants and I will say ok lets do it, then she says no you don't mean it lets do something else and it builds up from there going back and forth. I know I have a problem since I don't have the patience and calmness to handle an argument like that, and she knows it as well, but we still do this every couple days. Not only about dinner, but lots of other little things. In my mind, I agreed with her and wanted to do what she wanted. In her mind, I was telling her that what she wants doesn't matter.

And I do want the counseling. As soon as she said the first thing about taking a break I immediately contacted all of my military resources to get counseling set up right away to fix my own issues. But then when something like this phone bill came up she now says I don't trust her at all and she can't trust me anymore and still denies lying to me. I am completely lost.

It gets hard to talk and care when she tells me that all of our little arguments make me worse than if I beat her because she thinks she can't have her own thoughts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are lots of good books about learning to communicate better. Start there.


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## superspanky36 (Jul 25, 2010)

Cool I will give them a shot. I'm willing to try anything 

Thanks for the replies.


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