# When both people want to have more sex...



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The wife complains that we don't have enough sex. I feel like we don't have enough sex as well. We both have said this and yet nothing seems to change. She is more vocal about blaming me that there is not enough sex. She flat out says we don't have sex because I don't want to. Even talking about the fact I might have something internally imbalanced that is making it happen less. She has also said its not her fault she doesn't want to have sex at the times I do. The reality is we both want to have sex, just not at the same damn time. So the end result it doesn't happen much. I say very little, she goes off blaming me. Because that makes me want to pursue it more.....No. I want to have sex with her more often, but it is less dramatic and just easier to take care of it myself when I actually want to. Ugh, don't know what to do to communicate to get us on the same page.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Is there a compromise that can be made between your 2 times? Or one day yours, the next time hers? 

Sometimes saying very little can be interpreted as you aren't listening or don't care which can just make things worse. Maybe try some active listening with her?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Is there a compromise that can be made between your 2 times? Or one day yours, the next time hers?
> 
> Sometimes saying very little can be interpreted as you aren't listening or don't care which can just make things worse. Maybe try some active listening with her?


Over the past 2 years I started trying to say very little (in regards to everything) because usually when I said anything it was interpreted in a negative way. So I try to say little.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It sounds like so many of the fights that H and I have had. Even the time thing, for a while there the reason for no sex was he likes it in the morning, I like it at night. 

I have also been on both sides of the one doesn't want it because the other is complaining about not getting it which makes them complain more and the other want it less.... It's a tough cycle to get out of. 

I really do understand that it's less drama to do it yourself on your own time but there's a lot about actual sex that you can't get by yourself. If you both stopped taking care of yourselves separately, do you think you might be more likely to come to a compromise? 

For me it's an emotional connection during sex that I crave. How's your intimacy in general? Maybe start off smaller, cuddle on the couch to watch a movie, date night, more non-sexual touching and talking. Sex might happen more naturally for you guys if you build up the other stuff first.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It sounds like so many of the fights that H and I have had. Even the time thing, for a while there the reason for no sex was he likes it in the morning, I like it at night.
> 
> I have also been on both sides of the one doesn't want it because the other is complaining about not getting it which makes them complain more and the other want it less.... It's a tough cycle to get out of.
> 
> ...


Well, I know she doesn't take care of it herself. If we aren't doing it she just isn't doing anything. (she has said as much). For me sex isn't about the emotional, I know that is part of it for her though. Our intamacy is limited. We touch sometimes, cuddle on a rare occasion. Usually only when the sex has not happened in a while. She likes the touch and coudling, only big for me when we haven't had much intamacy.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you should try scheduling sex. As in, "We will have sex every Tuesday and Friday at 8 PM" or whatever frequency and time seems like a good start.

It may not work, but then nothing seems to have been working for you so far, so what do you have to lose?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stop drinking. You said it effects your sleep and you are exhausted the next day. Might those days be spent having sex with your willing wife? The effects of alcohol are too damaging for you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

technovelist said:


> I think you should try scheduling sex. As in, "We will have sex every Tuesday and Friday at 8 PM" or whatever frequency and time seems like a good start.
> 
> It may not work, but then nothing seems to have been working for you so far, so what do you have to lose?


I have tried that before. She doesn't like the idea of scheduling it. I am all for that idea, but so far I have not gotten her to buy into it. 



Catherine602 said:


> Stop drinking. You said it effects your sleep and you are exhausted the next day. Might those days be spent having sex with your willing wife? The effects are too damaging.


I honestly think the drinking has only had a minor effect on the sex life. There have been a few times when she wanted to and I said no because I knew I had had too much to drink. But there were also times a drink or 2 had me ready for some sex, but she didn't want it. So I think the slate is even on that.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Well, I know she doesn't take care of it herself. If we aren't doing it she just isn't doing anything. (she has said as much). For me sex isn't about the emotional, I know that is part of it for her though. Our intamacy is limited. We touch sometimes, cuddle on a rare occasion. Usually only when the sex has not happened in a while. She likes the touch and coudling, only big for me when we haven't had much intamacy.


Is this something you could do to just meet her need for it? Are there other needs of yours that she could be meeting better too?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Maybe she does not want drunk sex with you? So there are 2 instances that accounts for the disconnect - you drink and don't want or you drink and she does not want drunk sex. 

Lets see, if you drink just about every night and one or both of these happens 2X a month, that makes two times you could have had sex but didn't. How often do either of you want sex? Do the math. Sex minus alcohol for brad = 2 sex.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Maybe she does not want drunk sex with you? So there are 2 instances that accounts for the disconnect - you drink and don't want or you drink and she does not want drunk sex.
> 
> Lets see, if you drink just about every night and one or both of these happens 2X a month, that makes two times you could have had sex but didn't. How often do either of you want sex? Do the math. Sex minus alcohol for brad = 2 sex.


9 times out of 10 she does not know that I had too much to drink. Anytime she knows I am having a drink, she comments. So it's not that she turns down drunk sex, she turns down sex because it's not the right time for her. She rarely ever wants to have sex before we actually go to bed. And I don't like having sex after going to bed. If I go to bed it is because I want to sleep. She limits it to such a small portion of the day. Me, I will take just about any other part of the day to do it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Is this something you could do to just meet her need for it? Are there other needs of yours that she could be meeting better too?


There are many needs of mine she does not meet. She knows she doesn't meet them and just says she is not good at those things. At this point she has said there is really no point in her even trying most of the time.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Can't you both just go to bed a little earlier? She might like the whole cuddling after sex until you fall asleep in each other's arms thing too.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Can't you both just go to bed a little earlier? She might like the whole cuddling after sex until you fall asleep in each other's arms thing too.


I don't know if we have ever done the falling asleep in each others arms afterwards thing. Sex usually gets my adrenaline going to I am more awake afterwards. I have to get up and do something just to relax and be able to sleep. She can crash right away.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If I had to bet, I'd put money on her knowing that you are drinking too much. It is frightening to see someone lose control especially someone you love and depend on. She probably can't face it any more that you can. 

My father was a binge drinker. No one ever hinted that he had a problem. People usually don't, especially the people closest to the one with the problem.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> If I had to bet, I'd put money on her knowing that you are drinking too much. It is frightening to see someone lose control especially someone you love and depend on. She probably can't face it any more that you can.
> 
> My father was a binge drinker. No one ever hinted that he had a problem. People usually don't, especially the people closest to the one with the problem.


Well, she probably knows I drink a little more than she sees, but not as much as I do. She makes a deal out of it everytime I do drink, unless drinking with others. Also, most of the time I have a drink, she is not around to actually see. She is either not home or in the other room. We spend a good amount of time apart.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I have to agree with Catherine. Drinking everyday is an issue and is just going to make everything worse. If she is upset about it and you still do it, it's really disrespectful. 

I think if you focus on the relationship parts- stop drinking, meet her need for touch, spend time alone together, date- things might turn into a positive cycle where she's more open to meeting your needs too.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I have to agree with Catherine. Drinking everyday is an issue and is just going to make everything worse. If she is upset about it and you still do it, it's really disrespectful.
> 
> I think if you focus on the relationship parts- stop drinking, meet her need for touch, spend time alone together, date- things might turn into a positive cycle where she's more open to meeting your needs too.


She isn't mad about it when she makes comments that I am having a drink. She just makes a comment like "oh, having a drink". It is her way of recognizing the fact that I am having one. But 9/10 she doesn't even see when I have a drink. We have tried the dating and alone time thing, at this point we have both failed to follow through on it greatly. I'm just not sure how to get both of us to do it well. And as much effort as I put forth in this house, I can't be the one to do all the work when it comes to intamacy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why are you unwilling to cut down the volume of drinking and increase the physical non-sexual intimacy to at least test and see if it has a positive effect on your relationship and sex life?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Schedule it for a time when you can both manage. Avoid taking care of yourself or drinking or whatever is hindering the timing. Start there and build upon it. With a little positive reinforcement, perhaps the other issues can start to be dealt with slowly.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

gbrad said:


> She isn't mad about it when she makes comments that I am having a drink. She just makes a comment like "oh, having a drink". It is her way of recognizing the fact that I am having one. But 9/10 she doesn't even see when I have a drink. We have tried the dating and alone time thing, at this point we have both failed to follow through on it greatly. I'm just not sure how to get both of us to do it well. And as much effort as I put forth in this house, I can't be the one to do all the work when it comes to intamacy.


Sounds like you're both so hurt and resentful over unmet needs that neither of you is willing to budge for the other. 

I know that hearing her complain about her unmet needs is annoying but it is actually a good sign that there is still hope and fight left there. I've often told H to worry more when I stop fighting for it because that's when I've given up. It sounds like you might be closer to that giving up part.

The Giver & Taker

^ I think that would be a good read with you. Keep reading through the pages, there's 6 or so of them. 
The last page there, negotiations, is a good one for the drinking part.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

You've said that you prefer sex before you go to bed. But then you say that you rarely cuddle or have any touching or intimacy outside the bedroom - and it sounds like that's more your choice than hers. So I'm not sure how you are initiating sex? Are you just verbally asking for it?

I had a similar problem with my ex. We both complained about not having enough sex. But his idea of sex was absolutely no foreplay and just going straight into it - which was at times, painful for me. And certainly not very pleasurable. So no, I didn't want HIS kind of sex. He just wanted the release, I wanted the emotional connection as well. 

You refer to the "drama" that goes along with sex (and why you take care of things yourself more often) - what are you referring to here?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This isn't as complicated as you are making it.


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## dismissed (Apr 7, 2015)

gbrad said:


> *For me sex isn't about the emotional, I know that is part of it for her though.* Our intimacy is limited. *We touch sometimes*, cuddle on a rare occasion. *Usually only when the sex has not happened in a while*. She likes the touch and cuddling, only big for me when we haven't had much intimacy.


Might it be simply that she needs to feel connected to you? She needs the touch and the cuddling to make her feel ready for sex - it sounds like you'd rather jump right into things.

Can you both compromise? If you are willing to spend time earlier in the evening giving her the closeness and touch that she needs, she might be willing to have sex before bedtime, as she would have had a chance to "warm up" and be ready for it.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why are you unwilling to cut down the volume of drinking and increase the physical non-sexual intimacy to at least test and see if it has a positive effect on your relationship and sex life?


:iagree::iagree:

You are very naive if you think your wife doesn't know about your drinking habits. I'm sure she knows a lot. Try the 'experiment', cutting back on drinking and increasing physical non-sexual intimacy, and see how it goes.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

the $63,000.00 question (at least up to now) is: 'how often do you currently have sex per month?'

then the next question is: 'how often do you and her WANT to have sex?'

Be goal oriented. I try to see that we have sex 3 times a week +/-. If I see we are lagging, then I try to initiate, even if i'm tired or not particularly in the mood, even late night sex, if that's what it takes. That might be a bit too paced/non spontaneous for some people. Fine. But if your goal is to have more sex, then you must find compromises, pick moments when your not busy and just do it. 

Set a goal, whatever it is, like _______x per week/month and try to stick to it, just like a job project (except it's a LOT funner!).


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Sounds like you are choosing drinking over your wife.

A man who drinks too much every day, doesn't spend time with his wife, and never touches her outside of sex. What's not to want?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

gbrad, 
Easy answer, stop masturbating, altogether.
I know it's hard but it is possible. When I get into a pinch I will masturbate but not orgasm. It exercises my Johnson without losing my desire.
This way you'll be (more) ready when she is.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad, google "responsive desire".

She wants you to to get her in the mood for it. You on the other hand are like most mature warm blooded men, you want sex but only with someone who you feel is interested in and attracted to you.

So 1) work on your attractiveness (alcoholic men are massive libido killers for women) and 2) find the energy and vitality to pursue sex with your W - if she is not in the mood then figure out a way to put her in the mood so you both can have more mutually satisfying sex.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

To answer a few of the questions. We have sex on average once per month. We both would be happier with once a week. The sex aspect of this has very little to do with the drinking. There are many times I want sex and she doesn't and many times she wants sex and I don't. I'm not choosing alcohol over spending time with my wife. Even when I did drink less, we still spent very little time actually doing things together. I spend more time at home, when we both actually are home we both have our space in the house where we spend a lot of individual time. Sometimes we watch shows together, sometimes we eat together. Other than that, we don't do much else together at home.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> To answer a few of the questions. We have sex on average once per month. We both would be happier with once a week. The sex aspect of this has very little to do with the drinking. There are many times I want sex and she doesn't and many times she wants sex and I don't. I'm not choosing alcohol over spending time with my wife. Even when I did drink less, we still spent very little time actually doing things together. I spend more time at home, when we both actually are home we both have our space in the house where we spend a lot of individual time. Sometimes we watch shows together, sometimes we eat together. Other than that, we don't do much else together at home.


Then break the mold and pay more attention to her at home. Show an interest in something of hers or introduce something you are both interested in. Rekindle the sexual connection and you will get sex as often as you like (considering that you say she wants more of a sexual connection too). You know what the problem is, and that it's you don't do enough together.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Personal said:


> Your whole marital relationship including the sex has a lot to do with the drinking. You can tell yourself that it has nothing to do with it all you like, yet it won't ever make it so.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I say the alcohol has nothing to do with it because previously in our marriage when I drank much less, our sex life and our interaction with one another was the same as it is now. Nothing has really changed regarding those. We have had a limited sex life (other than when actively trying to have a kid) and have always spent a limited amount of time together. Those are not new issues. And I didn't say I was unwilling to cut down on my drinking. I want to do that. I don't want to cut it out completely, but I do want it to be less. But that is only for myself and what I want to be able to do.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Lon said:


> Then break the mold and pay more attention to her at home. Show an interest in something of hers or introduce something you are both interested in. Rekindle the sexual connection and you will get sex as often as you like (considering that you say she wants more of a sexual connection too). You know what the problem is, and that it's you don't do enough together.


I agree we know the problem. We have tried multiple times to try and fix that, but we never hold to it. I don't know why, but we just always fall back into our normal rut. As for things we are both interested in, that is a very limited list.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> The wife complains that we don't have enough sex. I feel like we don't have enough sex as well. We both have said this and yet nothing seems to change. She is more vocal about blaming me that there is not enough sex. She flat out says we don't have sex because I don't want to. Even talking about the fact I might have something internally imbalanced that is making it happen less. She has also said its not her fault she doesn't want to have sex at the times I do. The reality is we both want to have sex, just not at the same damn time. So the end result it doesn't happen much. I say very little, she goes off blaming me. Because that makes me want to pursue it more.....No. I want to have sex with her more often, but it is less dramatic and just easier to take care of it myself when I actually want to. Ugh, don't know what to do to communicate to get us on the same page.


For starters if she wants sex more and you do too then stop taking care of it yourself. If you want to spend your life whacking off then why stay married to someone who wants sex more frequent? I know you pointed out you and she want it at different times but still, *one or both of you wants to want sex more but doesn't actually want it*.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Reconnecting with your wife isn't a priority to you. Maintaining your inebriated state and continuing to keep emotional and physical distance from your wife all point toward a person who is more married to his walls than his wife.

The question is, why? Is there a history of resentment there? Vulnerability that led to hurt?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

gbrad said:


> 9 times out of 10 she does not know that I had too much to drink.


 This doesn't sound honest or healthy for a relationship.

You're putting a lot of parameters and restrictions on when you can and can't have sex. And rubbing it out on your own because it's easier or more convenient really isn't a solution for mutually improving your sex life. You say you want more sex, but you've thrown up a lot of roadblocks and obstacles for why you CAN'T have sex -- you don't like scheduled sex, you don't like sex right before you sleep, you drink too much even though you know she doesn't like it (which makes you less attractive to her, btw), etc. 



gbrad said:


> She rarely ever wants to have sex before we actually go to bed. *And I don't like having sex after going to bed. If I go to bed it is because I want to sleep.* She limits it to such a small portion of the day. Me, I will take just about any other part of the day to do it.


Why not go to bed a bit earlier (before you're ready for sleep) and try to have sex then?

FWIW, I think you're underestimating the negative affects of alcohol on your sex life. Alcohol is, after all, a depressant. Which means it depresses everything including your sex drive and ability to perform.

Since you can't seem to solve this problem on your own -- you've tried and failed multiple times -- why not go see a marriage counselor who can help you work through this? And lay off the booze.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

a few thoughts and questions based on what's been said so far

1. how old are you guys, how long have you been married, and how 
long has your sex life been dwindling (1/month)?

2. About how much do you drink day/week? Like 2-3 beers a night 
or hard alcohol? how often do you actually get drunk?

final comments; assuming you guys are middle age or younger, 1/month is actually very low and borderline sexless, so I can see that you definitely have a problem and need to step it up.

there's no good reason in any marriage to have sex so infrequently unless mutually agreed.

to defend you a bit, I use to drink 2-3 beers a night and i don't think that's so bad. certainly didn't get me drunk. I would do that in about three hours, only after work. disciplined moderate drinking is ok, but you have to watch yourself, especially when married.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

As someone who was married to a highly functional alcoholic for many years, let me just say that the idea that your wife doesn't know when you've been drinking is....ludicrous at best. She knows. She can see it, smell it, hear it, _feel_ it on you.

By the way, I can smell the dry-drunk on you from here. If I can sense it, your wife can. She might not realize that's what it is or be able to identify what's "wrong" but she can sense it. The negativity, complacency, discontent, irritability, emotional instability, magical thinking, apathy. All that "I want improvement, but don't want to actually have to do anything differently" attitude that's all over your posts. Those are the facets of alcoholism that are there whether you're actively drinking or not. And if you've tried cutting back in the past and things didn't change, it's because you haven't done the actual work to change yourself. Just cutting back on alcohol, or stopping altogether, won't magically fix everything. You still have to do the work.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Personal said:


> When you have been disconnected for so long, how can you connect while you are inebriated to some degree?
> 
> Rhetorical questions aside, in order to connect with your wife you are far better served by being sober. Although you may never connect while sober, you certainly will never connect until you are sober.
> 
> Good Luck!


I will say there are some times where I have had a drink because some drinking often gets me in the mood. So my hope is it will happen. Sometimes it does. 



jaquen said:


> Reconnecting with your wife isn't a priority to you. Maintaining your inebriated state and continuing to keep emotional and physical distance from your wife all point toward a person who is more married to his walls than his wife.
> 
> The question is, why? Is there a history of resentment there? Vulnerability that led to hurt?


It isn't really about reconnecting, its more still trying to connect at all. Emotional distance, yes I do try and keep that at times. She is very draining emotionally. Resentment, yes there is for a variety of reasons.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> a few thoughts and questions based on what's been said so far
> 
> 1. how old are you guys, how long have you been married, and how
> long has your sex life been dwindling (1/month)?
> ...


1. somewhere in our 30s, somewhere in the 10 year range married. Once a month has been pretty common for years. Occasionally it happens more than that. 
2. 2-3 drinks nightly is about right. sometimes beer, sometimes hard alcohol. Only would classify it as getting drunk probably once a week.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> This doesn't sound honest or healthy for a relationship.
> 
> You're putting a lot of parameters and restrictions on when you can and can't have sex. And rubbing it out on your own because it's easier or more convenient really isn't a solution for mutually improving your sex life. You say you want more sex, but you've thrown up a lot of roadblocks and obstacles for why you CAN'T have sex -- you don't like scheduled sex, you don't like sex right before you sleep, you drink too much even though you know she doesn't like it (which makes you less attractive to her, btw), etc.
> 
> ...


Just want to be clear that I love the idea of scheduling sex. We have tried to do that, she does not like it. So it is not just me putting up roadblocks. We both do. 
The comment about the diminished sex drive when drinking. Half the time when I drink it makes me horny. So...not sure about that. 
And I never said she doesn't like how much I drink. I said she doesn't know how much I drink. People keep insisting that she does, but she is the type who would say something if she thought I was drinking too much. I live with her, I know what she sees and does not see. She is as much in her own world as I am mine which is why she doesn't really see it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Just want to be clear that I love the idea of scheduling sex. We have tried to do that, she does not like it. So it is not just me putting up roadblocks. We both do.
> The comment about the diminished sex drive when drinking. Half the time when I drink it makes me horny. So...not sure about that.
> And I never said she doesn't like how much I drink. I said she doesn't know how much I drink. People keep insisting that she does, but she is the type who would say something if she thought I was drinking too much. I live with her, I know what she sees and does not see. *She is as much in her own world as I am mine* which is why she doesn't really see it.


So what have you done to bridge that gap today?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

gbrad said:


> *She is as much in her own world as I am mine* which is why she doesn't really see it.


Well, this speaks volumes as to why your sex life is unfulfilling and just not happening. As a married couple, it's difficult to have a successful marriage/sex life when you're both living in separate worlds, not in tune with your partner.

Again, I would suggest marriage counseling so you can both learn what it means to be the other half of a marriage. Not just co-existing in the same household, drinking on the sly, living in your own world.

Marriage counseling, pronto.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

Do what we do and schedule times for sex no matter what. It is so easy to put things off until "tomorrow" but when it is a scheduled thing that both of you have promised to attend, it works. You may say that it takes the spontaneity out of sex but you can still be spontaneous inbetween your scheduled sex nights. After a while you can drop the schedule as you get used to having sex more often. That is what we did. Plus I stopped masturbation completely and that helped. As you said, it is so easy to take care of yourself rather than go through a big deal to have sex with your wife. Cut out the masturbation and you will find yourself wanting sex all the time.

We did it by first getting into Chastity Play. My penis stays locked up in a custom chastity cage until my wife needs it. I thought it was stupid when I first learned about it but it really changed our sex life for the better. Now I am ready for sex whenever my wife is and no more putting it off because I just masturbated an hour ago.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

gbrad said:


> Jdo.
> The comment about the diminished sex drive when drinking. Half the time when I drink it makes me horny. .


Drinking makes most people horny. It's just they are less attractive to have sex with for the partner who is not drinking.
She wants to have sex with the all of you - your mind and body, not just your body.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you have had in the past a couple of threads about divorcing her but you could never pull the trigger. Why did you stay (because it doesn't sound like anything's changed)?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

len51 said:


> Do what we do and schedule times for sex no matter what. It is so easy to put things off until "tomorrow" but when it is a scheduled thing that both of you have promised to attend, it works. You may say that it takes the spontaneity out of sex but you can still be spontaneous inbetween your scheduled sex nights. After a while you can drop the schedule as you get used to having sex more often. That is what we did. Plus I stopped masturbation completely and that helped. As you said, it is so easy to take care of yourself rather than go through a big deal to have sex with your wife. Cut out the masturbation and you will find yourself wanting sex all the time.


I have never been against scheduling it. I have never been able to get her on board with it though. 



Openminded said:


> IIRC, you have had in the past a couple of threads about divorcing her but you could never pull the trigger. Why did you stay (because it doesn't sound like anything's changed)?


There were a couple times where I tried to bring up the idea of divorce; never went any farther than that. It is still something I struggle with often.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

gbrad said:


> There were a couple times where I tried to bring up the idea of divorce; never went any farther than that. It is still something I struggle with often.


1. Get all in or get all out.

2. Threatening divorce but not following through shows you to be weak and unattractive. Never threaten to divorce unless you are prepared to follow through.

3. Never bring up divorce except to announce that you have filed or the day you will file unless things change. 

4. You do not need to have a discussion to get divorced. You can file whenever you want. She does not need to know. She does not need to agree. She does need to agree to a property settlement, or if not, the judge will impose one on both of you. But for divorce, if one party wants to be divorced, then in most places the couple will end up divorced even if the other spouse does not want to be divorced.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Holdingontoit said:


> 1. Get all in or get all out.
> 
> 2. Threatening divorce but not following through shows you to be weak and unattractive. Never threaten to divorce unless you are prepared to follow through.
> 
> ...


Divorce was never threatened. I do believe that a discussion is necessary. I would never file before telling her, that is too cold. I know she doesn't NEED to agree, but that is not what it is about. It is life changing, and there are many people involved. Ideally it becomes something that both people are ok with doing.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Ideally, when you are married, sex is something both people are OK with doing. Ideally, when you are married, you only cut down on having sex if that becomes something both people are OK with doing. Your wife cut down on sex without it becoming something that both people are OK with doing. You are holding yourself to a standard your wife does not accept for herself. Fine if that is what you want. But do not lie to yourself and say "we have agreed that is the ground rule for our marriage - mutual decision making". Because your wife has not signed on to that concept.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Brad no matter what you do, face the drinking problem first. You will not stop drinking when you D. In all likelihood, you will drink more because of the stress.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Brad no matter what you do, face the drinking problem first. You will not stop drinking when you D. In all likelihood, you will drink more because of the stress.


Gotta admit (though I am probably drunk right now), I highly doubt I will get divorced in the next 7 years or so. Maybe after that, but highly doubtful before. Though if I did divorce much sooner (which I have thought about, many many many times, pretty much all the time) I know I would have so much less stress after. The divorce itself would be highly stressful and emotionally painful, which I why I avoid it. But once completed, so much more relaxing.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

FrenchFry said:


> I don't think you really want to have more sex with your wife.
> 
> I think your wife is bothering you about it and it sounds nice in a vaguely, non-committal way. But to be honest (and I do remember your posts in the beginning,) you have never sounded in love with your wife or happy with your life and stuck in a place where you cannot find the gumption to go one way or another.
> 
> gbrad, you are still in limbo.


You are right I am in limbo, have been for a few years and expect to be for a while. But you are wrong about wanting more sex. She does and so do I want more. In love with my wife, no I am not. That doesn't change the fact that I want sex more with her. Once a month is not enough for sure.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You may not be healthy enough in 7 yrs to enjoy freedom. Do you smoke? Alchohol related illness may overtake you . Liver disease, heart disease, laryngeal, and oral cancer and sexual problems are just a few.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you pushing the idea of divorce off so far into the future? You've already wanted a divorce for years, IIRC?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> Why are you pushing the idea of divorce off so far into the future? You've already wanted a divorce for years, IIRC?


What is IIRC? And it is not that I am trying to push it off to the future, I just don't see it happening right now. There are too many obstacles in the way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It means "If I recall correctly". 

What are the obstacles?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Openminded said:


> It means "If I recall correctly".
> 
> What are the obstacles?


Us both being in a position emotionally and financially to come out of it positiviely. I have thought long and hard how I would handle it and know what it would take. I want her to be able to be in a situation where she can handle it in a way that is atleast on the plus side of the 50/50 line.


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