# Fighting between Family (Mother and Sisters) and Fiancee



## AdrianT (Jun 29, 2012)

All,

I have a fiancee and recently the discomfort between her and my family which is mother and sisters have escalated. My family is very crass in their language and have said some things that have hurt her, and my fiancee is very sensitive so when she gets mad, she gets super mad. Now it's getting to the point where my family has asked me to reconsider if I want to be married to her because I am just so sad and depressed (loss of sleep) over the fights between both sides. Especially since they both express their anger towards me.

My mother is a widow and has some health problems, and she tries to get along with my fiancee but sometimes the smallest things cause this huge unhappiness with her because she is so sensitive from some of the issues with my family in the past. My mother thinks my fiancee is controlling and that I have lost my freedom since I have known her. I just feel responsible to support my fiancee in all aspects that I can and to try to understand her.

Because of my extremely relax personality where I could just blow off what some people say about me immediately and not be affected by it, I just want to tell both sides to just chill out. I don't have the heart to tell my fiancee to chill out because it's like telling her to put her feelings and anger aside, same for my family. I just don't know; I feel like I have rambled on and not painted an accurate picture but that is my mind at this point.......a mess.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Wow. What a difficult position you are in.

You have given us very limited info here -- it does sound to me a bit like you are letting your mom run things, which I wouldn't like as a fiancee either...but I don't know.

Have you guys had a frank and open conversation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Adrian,

You saw the posts on the other thread about a similar issue. Those apply to you as well. You will need to put your fiance above all else and be supportive of her.

That is not to say that you should ignore things like your mother saying that your fiance is controlling. If your mother as given you good advice in the past, then take a look at what she has said. Is it true? Is your fiance controlling? Are there real issues that you should not be glossing over? If you need to go to individual counseling to figure this out. AFter all you do not want to marry someone who is controlling. 

But once you have decided that your mother is wong on this issue, do not allow her to drag you down with it.

Stick up for your soon-to-be wife.

When is the wedding by the way?

Can you give an example of a situation that is typical.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

AdrianT said:


> my fiancee is very sensitive so when she gets mad, she gets super mad.


I'm going out on a limb and say that mommie dearest and your sisters are some angry, drama filled women. And because that is familiar you went out and chose another angry woman to be your wife.

I quoted the sentence that jumped out at me. If she is this sensitive and super mad NOW what is she going to be like after you marry and life happens? And life always happens?

Problems that are there before marriage only get worse afterwards. I'd think long and hard before marrying this girl. She sounds like she needs help with learning to not be so sensitive and needs to learn how to manage her anger better. If not she will soon be 'super mad' at you too.


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## AdrianT (Jun 29, 2012)

I wish I could sit everyone down and talk about it but my fiancee is super sensitive about these things and don't feel comfortable around "these people" as she refers to them.

My family cares about her but they just can't tolerate some of her behavior and neither can my fiancee tolerate some of my family's. Sometimes, I really blame myself for being such a passive person and not being proactive at all to make sure the infrastructure of these relationships were in place from the very beginning. Truly, I believe all sides are at fault here but especially me.

Also, coming from an asian family, we are very tight knit (problems are spoken openly to solve which could lead to very little privacy) but my fiancee wants her privacy and sees my family's inquiries into our lives as attacks and demands and instructions from my family, which is what started the most recent fight.....on my mother's birthday of all days. 

I just don't know, sometimes I feel like something in me is about to break mentally.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Imagine if your fiancee's family told her to reconsider marrying you due to your mother and sisters because we all know, you don't just marry your spouse, you marry their entire family.

Because of her being sensitive, ask your mother and sisters if they will apologize to her and try to start fresh.
Ask your fiancee if she would be willing to start fresh and instead of letting most things upset her, to try and be a little more relaxed about issues the way you are.

It comes down to you really. Do you love your fiancee enough to put distance between you and your family if things continue the same or would you be willing to let her go if that is the only way there will be peace?

My partner, after years of bad mouthing from some of her family members, decided to stand up to them and said look, this is my partner and I will not allow you to continue treating her this way.
Likewise, I had to take a stand towards the only family I have left and did the same thing. It's not all peaches and cream, but it sure stopped our feelings from being hurt.
Give it a try.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

AdrianT said:


> I wish I could sit everyone down and talk about it but my fiancee is super sensitive about these things and don't feel comfortable around "these people" as she refers to them.
> 
> My family cares about her but they just can't tolerate some of her behavior and neither can my fiancee tolerate some of my family's. Sometimes, I really blame myself for being such a passive person and not being proactive at all to make sure the infrastructure of these relationships were in place from the very beginning. Truly, I believe all sides are at fault here but especially me.
> 
> ...


Ok, so she is more of a private person. And, I would guess, so is her family? I can understand that. My family was always tight knit. Not Asian, but we are very close. My mom would always start a sentence with "I don't want to be an interfering mother-in-law..." as she tried to interfere. My husband saw it, but I couldn't. And it irritated him. For the first few years, mom did this. And I let her. I didn't know any better. My whole family was like this. I finally came to the realization that my husband was RIGHT. 

The thing is, this is the woman you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. You do need to look at the relationship to see if your mom is correct about the controlling... or maybe your MOM and SISTERS are a bit too controlling and your fiancee is trying to extricate you from that. You can't keep being passive about everything. There is NO WAY you are going to be able to smooth everything over by sitting back and asking people to relax or chill out or whatever. At some point, you need to take a stand. The question right now is whether that stand is for your fiancee or for your mom. Realize that someone's feelings will be hurt... there is no way around that. But if you marry this woman, then your loyalty will be FIRST to her. If she is truly having issues with your family knowing all of your business... I think you should listen seriously to her about it. I guarantee, most women I know wouldn't put up with extended family knowing EVERY aspect of their lives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AdrianT said:


> I wish I could sit everyone down and talk about it but my fiancee is super sensitive about these things and don't feel comfortable around "these people" as she refers to them.
> 
> My family cares about her but they just can't tolerate some of her behavior and neither can my fiancee tolerate some of my family's. Sometimes, I really blame myself for being such a passive person and not being proactive at all to make sure the infrastructure of these relationships were in place from the very beginning. Truly, I believe all sides are at fault here but especially me.
> 
> ...


What you have are women who are fighting to be the alpha female. In many traditional families the oldest female assumes the position of the alpha.. it's sure it's the same in asian families. 

Your wife(to be) is not traditional enough to give into your mom and let her rule. So they fight. And since you are not supporting your fiance, you mother and sister feel that they have the right to attack your fiance.

The only way this will stop is if YOU tell your mother and sisters to back off. Tell them that you will always stand up for your fiance because she is your fiance. If they want to have your children in their lives when the two of you have them, they had better find a way to treat your fiance with respect.

In private, tell your fiance that you told you mom and sister this. And now you expect her to be respectful to your mom and sister.

It's that simple. The only time you should not stand up for your fiance is when she does something truely horrible... like hits someone.

One example you give about your mother going after your fiance because she emailed her family first when she heard from you ... your mother acted terrible. She was completely out of line with attacking your fiance and then her mother. But your assesment is that your fiance was wrong in that situation? REally? In what way?

Have you ever had a serious girl friend before? If so how did she get along with your mother and sister? Did your mother and sister attack her too?

Keep in mind that when your mother and sister do not respect your wife, they are basically saying that they do not respect you and your choice in a woman.

That said.. I agree with the poster who suggested that you picked a fiance who is into drama just like your mom and sisters. You might want to rethink your choice... this is your life if you don't. Is this really what you want to live with?


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

How old are you? If you said earlier, Im sorry I missed it. Get your girlfriend away from them all together. Yes you love your mom. Yes you love your sister(s). How you handle this will dictate your romantic relationships for along time to come. No one likes to feel unimportant or like the outsider. That is how your girlfriend feels. No one wants to be ganged up on. Again, I guarantee that is how your girlfriend feels. What is overly sensitive? Your post said it clearly. They are inappropraite to her. If you love her and want to marry her this has to stop. Im sorry you are in the middle of it. Set the boundaries now. It can only end 2 ways. Your fiancee decides "hey...this aint my happily ever after..No Thank You" or you get her away from them and eventually it will stop. If she isnt around (or you) they cant run her off. 

Sorry if I am being too blunt. I am not at all trying to be rude or condesending. I go through this with my mother in law and husband quite a bit. I know how she feels. Either way, I dont envy the situation you are in.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm going out on a limb and say that mommie dearest and your sisters are some angry, drama filled women. And because that is familiar you went out and chose another angry woman to be your wife.


There's an easy way to check this - get her drunk. Conventional wisdom says that the way a person acts when drunk is the way that person really is. 

Don't pick sides based on labels. If your mom is wrong, tell her she's wrong. If your wife is wrong, tell her she's wrong. People "picking sides" is how we end up with crappy political parties that argue just for the sake of proving the other person wrong, even if the other person is right.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I can't give you too much advice, other than you are in no position to get married. Women can be difficult and demanding. Ultimately, your fiance has to be able to get along with your family. If this happens multiple times, you have to stand up to Mommy and her dominating ways, but if this is a first, your fiance has to figure out a way to get along.


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