# To be alone versus lonely



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I have struggled with this a big part of my marriage i believe due to neglect from my husband. I thought i was getting good at being alone but i am really lonely today. I just love for being able to have someone care for me, talk to me and share with me. It has nothing to do with sex. Is this normal human feeling i am having...just wanting companionship or is it part of the whole codepency thing. I mean its been 19 months today to be exact. Isn't that me just being human? Am i still just being co dependent? I hate the loneliness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Very few people like to be alone a lot. Hang in there. Go somewhere there are lot's of people. Grocery store, mall, something like that. Go sit at Starbucks and have a cup of something.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Sad, I think those feelings of loneliness for companionship are normal. You were married for how long? Of course it takes time to get used to not having someone there to comfort you when you are feeling down. Human nature!

But then you have to dive in and figure out do you miss someone being there or do you miss HIM specifically. 

I had a day like this yesterday morning. Just wanted a hug. Cried for about 30min before I got ready for work. But I realized I just wanted human comfort, I didn't want HIM. So I picked myself back up and said "I will find someone to comfort me someday until then I can comfort myself".

Sometimes its hard to talk yourself back into the strength you had earlier, but it is possible.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I still feel lonely.. I don't miss the way I was treated.. but I kiss the hugs, cuddling, rubbing her feet, companionship..

I hope to find that again someday... but with someone that actually is a decent person...


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Thanks Beachguy. I dont think though that is what i actually mean. I am ok being home alone without another physical body but emotionally i guess it more is. I am alone inside my head. Like i can't share or have anyone to share back with me that deep emotional connection so i am i guess lonely but not necessarily from being alone. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Sad, I think those feelings of loneliness for companionship are normal. You were married for how long? Of course it takes time to get used to not having someone there to comfort you when you are feeling down. Human nature!
> 
> But then you have to dive in and figure out do you miss someone being there or do you miss HIM specifically.
> 
> ...


(Hugs for you)

I keep thinking about that loneliness of wanting someone and him but i think deep down i do actually miss him. I know he had wrongs but he had a lot of rights too. I was by far not perfect either.

I miss his family too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> I still feel lonely.. I don't miss the way I was treated.. but I kiss the hugs, cuddling, rubbing her feet, companionship..
> 
> I hope to find that again someday... but with someone that actually is a decent person...


I think its good you can distinguish the difference in what you are missing. It makes me wonder if that is what my husbands thoughts are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh Sad, I just want to give you a hug right now. These roller coaster emotions suck but I know you are strong enough to get through them. Keep posting, I know it can be greatly therapeutic to read and post on TAM trying to work through these feelings.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad, it is very human to feel that way. After all I have gone through I still miss talking to my husband. We always spoke several times a day. He was the only person I could share the ups and downs of parenthood with who had as much invested as I did with the children. He doesn't anymore. 

I liked the advice from vi bride4 " But I realized I just wanted human comfort, I didn't want HIM. So I picked myself back up and said "I will find someone to comfort me someday until then I can comfort myself".


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> Oh Sad, I just want to give you a hug right now. These roller coaster emotions suck but I know you are strong enough to get through them. Keep posting, I know it can be greatly therapeutic to read and post on TAM trying to work through these feelings.


Yeah they are hard. We have been together 22 years....since i was 18. I only had one series boyfriend before him for a couple of years. When i think about him i do still have deep feelings for him. I know i sound like a pathetic idiot but knowing how i am, if i didnt love him i could very easily say heck with him and walk away. 

Thanks for listening. You've been a good friend the past few days. You seem to got it together despite your circumstances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Yeah they are hard. We have been together 22 years....since i was 18. I only had one series boyfriend before him for a couple of years. When i think about him i do still have deep feelings for him. I know i sound like a pathetic idiot but knowing how i am, if i didnt love him i could very easily say heck with him and walk away.
> 
> Thanks for listening. You've been a good friend the past few days. You seem to got it together despite your circumstances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its taken alot of alone time and self reflection the past few months. And a really good friend to talk to helps too 

You don't sound like a pathetic idiot. You sound like someone who has a heart and is able to fall deeply in love with someone. Thats not something to be called an idiot about...!


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> You don't sound like a pathetic idiot. You sound like someone who has a heart and is able to fall deeply in love with someone. Thats not something to be called an idiot about...!


:iagree::iagree:

No one could call you that for caring about someone.


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## sham1024 (Apr 30, 2012)

I feel more lonely when I am around my married friends, it reminds me of a life that I once had. I try to remind myself of all the reasons I have filed for divorce, and then being lonely is not so bad when I remember the alternative. I do feel my loneliness is fear of the future, and I have taken a beating with self esteem. I try to fill my time with being around only positive loving people who will keep me afloat when I go down the self pity road. It does take time to see your life can still have meaning, I have read about co-dependancy and I am that person. I think being alone is good as you can start to love yourself and get well, before getting into a relationship that is healthy.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Get out....get involved in a charity or volunteer work. Dont sit and dwell or avoid people who are married. Use your time you have to enhance yourself. Take a class in something you wanted to learn more about (Art, pottery, dance, snake charming, anything). 

Get out and meet some new people, get to know friends as the new you and dont worry about it. Have some fun - its the best medicine!

my 2 cents at least


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> Sad, it is very human to feel that way. After all I have gone through I still miss talking to my husband. We always spoke several times a day. He was the only person I could share the ups and downs of parenthood with who had as much invested as I did with the children. He doesn't anymore.
> 
> I liked the advice from vi bride4 " But I realized I just wanted human comfort, I didn't want HIM. So I picked myself back up and said "I will find someone to comfort me someday until then I can comfort myself".


 
That is the struggle I have....when I really think about it, despite what happened between us, how he treated me this year, my recent discovery of his affair, I still deep down feel I love him and miss him. Wouldn't I be so angry at him if I didn't miss him? I just want him to just come home. Just come home and work through the pain with me. Heal the pain and then focus on rebuilding us together again. 

Thinking about it makes me very sad and very lonely. He says he still cares for me but I don't understand then why he wouldn't try to fix the marriage. He says he doesn't want to think about any relationship right now but focus on building our communications back up as we went completely into withdrawl the past year. He said then see if it developes to being friends again. I don't understand what that all means. I don't understand if he is trying by taking it very slowly or if he is just doing it to get on my good side to make it easier for after the divorce.

It all drives me crazy and depresses me.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Honey, he is not trying to reconcile. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

You need to decide not to want him back. It is ok to still love him. I still love my ex. I just know that I deserve to be with someone who loved me enough to spend his life with me -- not just "try" or talk about it. Action is all that really matters.

You have never been single as an adult -- not completely. Even though you have been separated physically for a long time, you have not cut ties emotionally. I do not believe you will begin to thrive until you decide to cut the cord. Be single. Be emotionally on your own. It is scary, but necessary in order for you to realize that you do not need a boyfriend or husband to be safe or normal. Good friends, truly loving, caring, actively involved people in your life will make you feel a lot less lonely. I have cut out all but the most compassionate, mature, true friends and they are like my family now. I can rely on them even though we only see each other now and then. I know they have my back, and that relieves a ton of pressure. When I am alone, which is quite often, I don't feel so alone. Is this something you can work on? Cultivating one or two real, strong friendships with other women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

Sad- He was just busted for having an affair. He did not end it on his own. He is still in the "fog" about his relationship with her. He is probably still trying to make it work somehow. He has not chosen to end all contact yet. He's not letting you move on. I think it's called "cake eating". The 180 works wonders for that.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

cmf said:


> Sad- He was just busted for having an affair. He did not end it on his own. He is still in the "fog" about his relationship with her. He is probably still trying to make it work somehow. He has not chosen to end all contact yet. He's not letting you move on. I think it's called "cake eating". The 180 works wonders for that.


I agree with this post 1000000000000000000xs!!!



Sad, the whole he has not chosen to end contact yet - if he was really traumatized about you almost getting shot, he would have kicked her out of the building THAT DAY....and then never talked to her again. She is still working there, correct? It is by her choice that she is leaving? Not b/c your WH fired her?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I know you are all right...."sigh" Sometimes truth just hurts and just sucks.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I know you are all right...."sigh" Sometimes truth just hurts and just sucks. 


Believe me , I know it does. I would suggest the 180, for your own sanity. Don't allow yourself to be an option for him.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

I talked to his mother today in private....husband does not know. She is still very upset about what he did even after she knows everything about me. 

At least I know the OW will never be welcomed in that family.

I do believe he is not seeing her any more physically....he has been home every night. His mother has been keeping an eye on him too and he has talked to me on the phone or in email for about 1 to 2 hours each evening. He spent all day Saturday and all day Sunday with our son. I taped in to his email account that he does not know I know about and no contact there either. Friday night when he was suppose to be home I drove to his mom's and park the car down the street and walked to the back of the house and I could see the tv on in his room. About an hour later I got an email from him. 

He has been pretty upset about his friend at the office (her ex-spouse) I really don't think anything is going on with her and him physically but yes, she is still there. I am giving it two weeks like I originally planned and then will go no contact if she is not gone.

His mother wants to confront him and get rid of the b!7ch herself. At least I know she is on my side now that she knows everything I don't think she will stay neutral much longer.

I'm not making excuses for him....well maybe a bit, but I know he has been telling the truth since this came out. If he is not, he knows I will take our son and disappear. I have made that very clear to him. I have been hiding money for sometime now that he does not know about and have put aside 10K if I need to flee for a while. That would set me up somewhere with my son that he wouldn't be able to find us. He would not jepordize anything with his son. 

I know I'm whinny....just hurting. Thanks for still supporting me even though I know you all probably think I am nuts. Maybe once I go back to work I will have more power.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> I know you are all right...."sigh" Sometimes truth just hurts and just sucks.
> 
> 
> Believe me , I know it does. I would suggest the 180, for your own sanity. Don't allow yourself to be an option for him.


 
He seems to be trying with communications, I am going to keep that option open for a little while. If OW is not gone within 2 weeks then I will go NC. I asked about her yesterday so I will give him a bit longer as it sounds like something is being worked out with her leaving. I should send OW ex-husband/my husbands friend and employee the pictures. Only I would not want to hurt him but I know he would kick her ass outta there. 

I had a post from a poster on here called Starting Over at 40 with some really good guidlines for boundaries. Not the ones in the 180 list but a different resource and accidently deleted them. I'm wondering if any one knows what I am talking about? Where can I find them again? I do know dazedguys post on my tactic ? thread has helped tremendously reading it over and over. 

I just got to get out of the house tomorrow and keep busy. Keep working on me. 

Just fighting lonliness today, I guess.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

He could be going through affair withdrawal. He wont work on the marriage while that is going on.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

cmf said:


> He could be going through affair withdrawal. He wont work on the marriage while that is going on.


 
Yeah....I read about that. Says if can take several weeks. I still am not sure how often it was happening. I don't think very much. I think it was a very casual thing....filling his sexual needs I suppose. She is not looking too pretty right now after she pulled that gun on me.

I guess at least there is a start to communication between us. 

I was feeling a bit anxiety about the pictures I saw this evening. I think I am ok again. Maybe too much time reading marriage stuff and affair stuff. I am gong to try going to bed. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight.


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