# Sick of Arguing and Getting Nowhere



## wnylady

Hello, I have been married for 13 years. And in the beginning we were intimate every day for about 6 yrs. Then, it got less and less, now not at all for a year.

Everytime I try to talk about this issue with my husband, he gets angry and doesnt want to talk. I am sick of being ignored, and having my feelings and myself as a person taken for granted. He would not see a doctor, and now he finally made a dr apt only because he has a sudden and very painful bout of gout. 

And said he will talk about this problem there. He claims embarrassment is what stopped him from going, and he said ge would try and handle the problem himself, which he spent all this money on pills etc. Wasted time. Nothing worked. He gave up, doesnt care. He has always been a drinker too, and Im his designated driver. 

Also, my brother has a new girlfriend, she is nice and i really like her as a friend. We have gotten together with them, and my brothers gf has some friends who also have been around with us. 

One woman who is divorced and has a wiylth friend, has been staring at my husband a lot. And chatting a lot with him. And one evening at the club, i was standing behind my husband and saw him chatting with her and had his hand on her back. I felt very upset, but tried not to act like it. We went to a party at this same womans house and her and my husband chatted for over an hour sitting next to each other too. 

I was talking a lot with everyone. Also, just Fri evening, we were all together again and she was sitting on the floor at a house and my husband was sitting to my right on the couch and i had the perfect view, i saw her looking at my husband in the eyes, they werent talking, he was talking to her boyfriend, and i looked at him and saw him look back and they had lingering eye contact. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. It was real. I saw it. He denies it. I am very upset now. 

We have argued over and over. Also, at a party last week, my coworker who is a guy, was there with his gf, she and my husband were talking for long periods of time, i was dancing a lot on the dancefloor, this woman approaches me up there, and asks, how long have you and your husband been married, i tell her and she says oh i was just asking because he is a really nice guy... I just stared at her in surprise. So,back at the table a bit later, my husb was sitting, this woman was standing, and my husb checked her out from head to toe while i was standing right there. He claims it didnt happen. 

It did, it was real. I wasnt hallucinating. We are still fighting over this too, and I get no where with this. This is not ok with me, never was, never will be. I have not seen this behavior before by my husband. I said ok, I am going to do all of the same with other men now, will that be ok with you? He said no, and hes sorry, i said no, im sorry, that doesnt fix it.

Honesty would. If you want to be with other slim, attractive light haired women, tell me and we can end this now. Go, be happy, be free. Get what you really want. And let me go and find true love. Because it obviously isnt here. 

Nothing I say or do matters, there is no satisfaction of any peace of mind from any conversations, discussions or arguments. Divorce is embarrassing, and a lot to go through and so is this situation. There is no way out or to fix this.


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## EleGirl

Hello and welcome to TAM.

I have not read you post yet but wanted to let you know that I'm removing the email part of your user name. It's best to remain anonymous here. 

Will read you post after I fix your user name.


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## EleGirl

wnylady said:


> Hello, I have been married for 13 years. And in the beginning we were intimate every day for about 6 yrs. Then, it got less and less, now not at all for a year. Everytime I try to talk about this issue with my husband, he gets angry and doesnt want to talk. I am sick of being ignored, and having my feelings and myself as a person taken for granted. He would not see a doctor, and now he finally made a dr apt only because he has a sudden and very painful bout of gout. And said he will talk about this problem there. He claims embarrassment is what stopped him from going, and he said ge would try and handle the problem himself, which he spent all this money on pills etc. Wasted time. Nothing worked. He gave up, doesnt care. He has always been a drinker too, and Im his designated driver. Also, my brother has a new girlfriend, she is nice and i really like her as a friend. We have gotten together with them, and my brothers gf has some friends who also have been around with us. One woman who is divorced and has a *wiylth* friend, has been staring at my husband a lot.


What does "wiylth" mean? Is that a type-o? Not being grammar police here, just don't know what you mean.



wnylady said:


> And chatting a lot with him. And one evening at the club, i was standing behind my husband and saw him chatting with her and had his hand on her back. I felt very upset, but tried not to act like it. We went to a party at this same womans house and her and my husband chatted for over an hour sitting next to each other too. I was talking a lot with everyone. Also, just Fri evening, we were all together again and she was sitting on the floor at a house and my husband was sitting to my right on the couch and i had the perfect view, i saw her looking at my husband in the eyes, they werent talking, he was talking to her boyfriend, and i looked at him and saw him look back and they had lingering eye contact. I felt my heart drop into my stomach. It was real. I saw it. He denies it. I am very upset now. We have argued over and over. Also, at a party last week, my coworker who is a guy, was there with his gf, she and my husband were talking for long periods of time, i was dancing a lot on the dancefloor, this woman approaches me up there, and asks, how long have you and your husband been married, i tell her and she says oh i was just asking because he is a really nice guy... I just stared at her in surprise. So,back at the table a bit later, my husb was sitting, this woman was standing, and my husb checked her out from head to toe while i was standing right there. He claims it didnt happen. It did, it was real. I wasnt hallucinating. We are still fighting over this too, and I get no where with this. This is not ok with me, never was, never will be. I have not seen this behavior before by my husband. I said ok, I am going to do all of the same with other men now, will that be ok with you? He said no, and hes sorry, i said no, im sorry, that doesnt fix it. Honesty would. If you want to be with other slim, attractive light haired women, tell me and we can end this now. Go, be happy, be free. Get what you really want. And let me go and find true love. Because it obviously isnt here. Nothing I say or do matters, there is no satisfaction of any peace of mind from any conversations, discussions or arguments. Divorce is embarrassing, and a lot to go through and so is this situation. There is no way out or to fix this.


Ok, your marriage is in a bad place. It can be fixed but it will take work.

Your husband's behaviors are concerning.

His lack of interest in sex could be due to something physical like low T. Do you know if he gets an erection in the morning when he wakes up? 

Or it could be other things. Here's a link to a thread that might give you some insight into your husband's lack of interest in sex if it's due to something that is not physical: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

Have you asked him to get his T levels checked when he's at his doctor's appointment? He needs to do that.


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## uhtred

It is a concerning combination of his not seeming to pay attention to you while looking at / interacting with other women. 

A few things to consider:

I can't quite tell from your post, but does he have ED? For some men that is so embarrassing that they will avoid sex in order to avoid the embarrassment. If that is the case its possible that he is seeking out attention from other women to help boost his ego without needing to do anything physical with them. 

Its also possible of course that he is cheating. 

What is the rest of your relationship like? Are you happy together otherwise, or is there a lot of fighting?


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## Marduk

Sorry you're here.

The only thing that I would add to the above is that having gout and having Erectile Dysfunction can be related:



> Can gout affect sexual health and performance?
> 
> Yes, it can – especially for men.
> 
> Gout is a particularly painful type of arthritis, caused by sharp, crystallized deposits of uric acid in the joints. Uric acid is produced when the body processes purines – substances found in some foods and beverages like liver, seafood, peas, and beer. Uric acid is usually absorbed in the blood, processed by the kidneys, and eliminated with urine. But sometimes, the kidneys don’t process uric acid properly, causing it to build up. Uric acid can also accumulate when a person eats too many foods that contain purines.
> 
> Eventually, the buildup forms sharp crystals, leading to gout. Gout often starts in the feet, especially in the big toe. But it can also form in the knees, wrists, fingers, and elbows. In addition to pain, patients with gout may experience swelling, stiffness, and redness in the affected area.


https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/can-gout-affect-sexual-health-and-performance/

I have also known guys that have ED with their wife are trying to figure out if the ED is because they're not interested in their wife any more, and they flirt with other women or turn to porn more to "test the waters." It's simply an attempt to rationalize away their problem to have it not be their fault.

But my guess here is ED.


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## Mr. Nail

I'll tell you this, when I had


wnylady said:


> --snip-- a sudden and very painful bout of gout. -snipp--


 I wasn't thinking about sex, or relationships, or erections. I was thinking about how hard it would be to live without that foot. I had an atypical case and my doctors spent a week eliminating anything else it might have been. I wonder what my reply would have been to an accusation at that point. probably would have been a "where do I sign?"

Like your relationship mine has been slowly removing intimacy (of all sorts). I think If I saw what you have been seeing I would have said the same. It's hard to believe (or suspend disbelief) when you have no serotonin cookies to keep you feeling right. I hate being alone together. There were some things we could have done 5 years ago that would have either fixed the intimacy problem, or on the downside made the problem solid evidence of loss of love. I wish I had done it. 

I'm struck by your post with the idea that if talking to the doctor is too embarrassing, and divorce is too embarrassing, that we are living in a lot of misery for the sake of appearances. As a long term unattractive man, I shouldn't put much stock in appearance.


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## BluesPower

First off, if you can get to a computer, could you put some paragraphs in the original post? It makes it easier to read. 

This can be fixed, depending on how willing he is to fix it and if you can work together. 

But being embarrassed because of ED, if he has issues, is just stupid. 

Also, gout is sometimes a sign of heart disease, so have them check this out. 

If you want to keep the marriage, and are willing to work, and he is as well, you can work through this. 

If he is not interested for whatever reason, then the outlook is not great, just to be honest...


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## MattMatt

Hello. @wnylady. Would counselling as a couple help, do you think?


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## Casual Observer

The embarrassment stuff. I get it. I think being here on TAM predisposes us to believe people are fairly open about things, because look at the stuff we talk about. But in our "real" lives, some of us might be quite reserved and guarded and scared of what others might thing. "Keeping up appearances" is a kind of mental safety net. It allows some to live a dual life, and they can sometimes really believe in their own narrative enough that it becomes a part-time reality. Facing the facts, as it were, tears that down. 

Another interesting thing I get from this thread is the importance of perspective in flavoring what we get out of the same material. People are talking ED and Testosterone issues. As someone who's never dealt with either, my read was the exact opposite, that the way he was engaging other women, he's got raging... something. I simply have no familiarity with the opposite, but now, thanks to TAM, I get it. It makes sense.

The only thing of substance I can offer is the importance of boundaries. It seems like he has none. It also seems like this is a discussion you should have had after the first instance, not the second, third, fourth or whatever. Start there. Get an agreement, if you can, on what you find acceptable, and what is not. If he can't come to terms with what you require, you need to get past the embarrassment issue quickly and seek counseling. It really shouldn't be that hard to do, if you're comfortable posting here. If you haven't yet been in therapy, you'll be amazed how soon you'll be talking with someone about your most private thoughts and what goes on behind closed doors with your and your husband.


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## wnylady

Thank you


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## wnylady

Yes its a typo, it was sup to say boyfriend.


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## Faithful Wife

@wnylady I get it, it is uncomfortable when you see your spouse checking someone out with your own eyes. Lots of times, we do this ourselves and aren't even aware of it. When our eyes land on someone attractive, it is natural to just give them a once over. It happens before we even are aware of it. Therefore it is possible your H truly didn't realize he was doing the once over with these women. I have caught myself doing it, too and have been embarrassed when caught by someone else.

I wouldn't worry too much about him checking others out, and you should be healthy and aware of other attractive people as well. You have eyes!

The sex thing is a different issue. No sex for a year is a HUGE problem. I'm not sure what to tell you on that one, but there is no way there isn't a cause, maybe emotional, maybe physical. There is a cause, though. 

I don't know how long you are willing to keep accepting his excuses, but after a year without sex I would have to seriously consider not being married to him anymore.


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## OnTheFly

wnylady said:


> I felt my heart drop into my stomach.


Trust your gut. 

Also, he's gaslighting you.


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## She'sStillGotIt

wnylady said:


> ivorce is embarrassing, and a lot to go through and so is this situation.


 Trust me - it's worth every hard-earned penny.

If you want to believe his complete disengagement from you for an *entire year* is due to a sudden bout of ED, then I think you're setting yourself up for a huge fall from grace - unless ED stands for "extra-curricular dalliances." Otherwise, all bets are off for me.


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## BluesPower

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Trust me - it's worth every hard-earned penny.
> 
> If you want to believe his complete disengagement from you for an *entire year* is due to a sudden bout of ED, then I think you're setting yourself up for a huge fall from grace - unless ED stands for "extra-curricular dalliances." Otherwise, all bets are off for me.


Everyone wants to think divorce is so horrible. And it does suck, and some are embarrassed by it, but in these situations you should not be.

It really does not matter if he is cheating or just does not want to have sex. He has abandoned you and your needs. File for divorce...


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## Mr. Nail

BluesPower said:


> --snip-- He has abandoned you and your needs. File for divorce...


Abandoned is a big word with legal meaning. While I am not against the tone of the advice in this post, I would not have whipped out that word so casually. I could do with a long discussion on what constitutes the abandonment of emotional needs but this is not the thread for it. . . .


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## BluesPower

Mr. Nail said:


> Abandoned is a big word with legal meaning. While I am not against the tone of the advice in this post, I would not have whipped out that word so casually. I could do with a long discussion on what constitutes the abandonment of emotional needs but this is not the thread for it. . . .


You are right I am not using the word in the legal sense. 

But the word is the right word. If you think denying sex is not abandoning your partners and your partners needs, I don't know what to tell you. Not saying that you are saying that. 

I think the connotations of the word abandon are exactly the right ones in these kinds of situations. I think abuse is another word. 

I feel guilty if I am too tired and beg out. While it does not happen often, it has happened. She is nice about it, but it is pretty obvious that she is not particularly happy. 

For the most part, I kind of feel the same way on my side. It does happen occasionally for both of us, but not very often. 

Most of the time, even if I am a little tired, I do what needs to be done. I think she is the same way. We pretty much are sex on demand for each other, so that works out great for the most part...


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## wnylady

Sorry, it should say boyfriend.


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## a_new_me

I hope you mean ex-bf.

He has done numerous things to disrespect your emotional well-being. Now he is humiliating you publicly?

Do not be the butt of everyones jokes, because you will if you allow this to continue.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower

Mr. Nail said:


> Abandoned is a big word with legal meaning. While I am not against the tone of the advice in this post, I would not have whipped out that word so casually. I could do with a long discussion on what constitutes the abandonment of emotional needs but this is not the thread for it. . . .


Well that may work for you. Some of us do not work that way at all. 

I don't. I will blow up any romantic relationship that is not meeting my needs. 

Of course you can talk, if the other communicates as well and acts on the issues. 

Otherwise, to bad so sad...

In the long run, this works best for me, I tried the other way before, it was a waste of time which is the most precious resource...


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## MattMatt

@wnylady how's it going?


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