# How to deal with jealousy issues



## LadyGaGa (Oct 12, 2010)

Dear all

I am newly wed (couple of months, dating for a couple of years before that) and we have a fantastic time together. My husband dotes me with attention, gifts and the like. Everyone around me agrees that he is great and I feel very lucky to share my life with him.

The only 'problem' we have is me. And I guess this is part and parcel of any relationship. I am jealous. Not in general but of one person in particular. She is a mutual friend. I guess we are alike in many ways - look wise, personality wise, etc. She is a friendly, bubbly person and everyone likes her. She is single. So here is my problem: I do not trust her AT ALL. I have been dealing with this trust/jealousy issue for a long time. I have forced myself to look at myself and sort out my own issues and problems first before blaming her for anything.

I have tried to remove the beam from my own eye before finding the splinter in hers. But still I cannot get over my gut feelings. There is this nagging suspicion in me that she has a crush on my hubby. Whenever I am with her without my husband being around, she puts me down, she calls me friend but doesn't have my back. When she sees my husband or talk to him she seems to glissen and glow. She gets excited when I talk about him. I guess I can see that as a compliment but I see it as a complete threat. She invited us over for dinner a couple of times (just the 3 of us then) and then cook elaborate meals. When I have told her about my insecurities in confidence she will display her strengths in that area infront of my husband. She will also touch him whenever she can, his knee, arm, etc.

She responds to his post on FB, and initiates contact on chat. She will talk in a very flirty manner to him and praise him. It is normal human behaviour but I find it inappropriate behaviour towards your 'friend's' husband. I feel that she should invest her time online in single guys and not in my husband.

Soooo, as you can see, i am greeeeeeen with jealousy. Am I just being an unreasonable, jealous b*tch seeing ghosts? Or do I need to trust my gut feelings and be careful of her? Even so, there is not much I can do. Confronting her will be social suicide for me and of course she will deny any aquisations I make against her. I will not say a word about this to my husband since I might plant a seed. I have no worries as to regards with my husband - I trust him completely and I love him with all my heart, I have no reason to believe that he will ever do anything to purposefully hurt me.

Does this seem like a famous scenario? And do you girls have some advice for me? How do you deal with jealousy?

Thank you for reading about what is troubling me!
_P.S: I am new to these couple forums. What does DH stand for? Can you suggest any abbreviations I can better use? I know that MIL stands for mother in law. Does DH stand for da husband?_


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-...iations-acronyms.html?highlight=abbreviations


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## marriedtoo (Jul 8, 2010)

Why do you call this woman a friend if she's hitting on your husband? Stay away. How does your husband react to her. And the problem in the marriage is not you, is the third wheel.


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## LadyGaGa (Oct 12, 2010)

Hi Marriedtoo

Thank you for the reply. I don not consider her a 'friend', anymore that is. But she is an aquintance and part of the social group we move in. I have been slowly eliminating her from social activities, but if I completely ignore her then the group would notice. 'Confronting her will be social suicide for me and of course she will deny any aquisations I make against her'. 

She is very smart and knows how to play her cards. So what she does is so flying below the radar, that I am the only one to pick up on this. My husband does not react to her in a special way, he is friendly towards her like he is to everyone else.

I do not want to play games either, I just need to know what is the best way to handle her, I need some advise from woman that has been/ is in a similar situation. I want to keep my marriage strong and I want to be a great wife to my great husband.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you need to get a grip on yourself. You're the only one picking up on this. Usually, one of your friends would make a comment, but nothing from them?

And your husband treats her no differently than other friends?

At least you recognize that it is your problem. Try to deal with it before you make a awkward mistake.


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## LadyGaGa (Oct 12, 2010)

Thanks Chris
I figured I need to get a grip on myself as well, hence asking here about people's opinions. I am trying to deal with it, but in general I am not someone to get jealous easily. That is why I just did not want to ignore my gut feeling.


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## AWife (Sep 25, 2010)

I say to never ignore a gut feeling but don't get carried away either. Keep your eyes open. Don't confide anything in her except maybe how much your husband loves all the things he really hates. lol She'll be working overtime to annoy him! ha ha Don't do that - I have an evil mind sometimes. Just keep your eyes open and try not to obsess over it.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I agree with awife not to obsess however, this is not a "jealousy issue" 

The flirting, texting etc. may make you jealous. The fact that this women is trying to put you down and build herself up is certainly a sign that she is spiteful and from what you have said is probably the kind of person that will do what she wants without regard to other's feelings. 

That said I don't know the intracies of your circle of freind dynamics so I am not sure how to advise. A powerful thing to say to anywone who say stupid/hurful thing is to pause, and ask "I am trying to think why you would say that since you know that would hurt my feelings" call her out on it. If it is unclear that she would know that it would hurt you you could simply state how it makes you feel. It is OK to call someone out on improper behavior. 

I would try best as possible to distance yourself from her. If she has been hurtful this is reason enough to do this. Your husband should support you not wanting to be around someone who puts you down.


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## Lovinmyhubby (Sep 10, 2010)

lol f that.. i wouldnt trust her...she can still be a friend but i wouldnt trust her at all..shes tryin to pry herself in...i wouldnt get carried away n worry about it tho, but i also wouldnt let it go, u should jus tell ur hubby how u feel, my husband automatically knows when a female likes him, n usually comes to me about 1st b4 i notice..so id say jus talk to him about it n see what he say..but still..i wouldnt trust her lol thats jus me tho -)


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Have given this more thought and think your approach should be with your husband. My wife has made it clear when omen who she has gotten a bad vibe from or ones that have flirted with me. In some instances I had an incling of the same suspicions but, denied it at first. On some level perhaps i enjoyed the attention even though I never reciprocated any indications that i was interested in any way. If this women is touchy feely with your husband for example and not with other people (or you) then this should be a clear signal that it is flirting. 

Personally, I don't think it shows weakness or seem paraniod to bring this up. I think you should reconfirm with your husband that you trust him and know he would never do anything to hurt you. 

good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'd go with your gut on this one. That being said, since your husband has not reacted inappropriately to her subtle flirting, I would recommend simply changing how you interact with her. 

Since you've seen her react in less than supportive ways as a friend, don't share anything negative with her about yourself...don't hang out with her alone or just with the three of you...and keep the conversations positive when your group of friends are together and she's there. 

She needs to be removed from the friend zone and back into the acquaintence zone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Does your H have any friends who are single? Fob one of them off on her, she needs her own project!


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

I would talk to your husband about your insecurities. A woman's instinct is often right. If this woman means nothing to you and or your husband, as in shes not really a friend, sever the ties and protect your relationship. With 'friends' like these who needs enemies. I think your husband needs to put you first and show respect for how you are feeling.


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