# In distress.



## Armyguy (Feb 18, 2011)

I am new to this forum, and desperately need the making a decision.
My story. 
My wife and I have been married for almost two years, and we have a one year old son. I found out in December that my wife was having an affair, the extent of the affair is unknown to me, but I know they have gone on at least one date and sexted often. I confronted my wife and asked her about it, though she denies everything until I can prove I know more. After catching her in several lies, she informed me that they were sexting, but that was the extent of it. I told her that if that was all it was, then I could work through it with her if she would end it and never speak to him again. She agreed and I tried to move on. 
Two weeks later I found out on my own that they were still talking, this time by e-mail, and that they had gone out on a date. When I confronted her with what I knew she apologized, and said that she just had trouble getting rid of such a good friend. She then offered to quit her job, since they work together, so that we could be together, and she told me that she loves me and that he means nothing to her. I toke some advice from some websites, and set down with her to make some limits so that this would never happen again. I told her that either he or she had to quit, she agreed to talk to him about who would do what. She would come back to me two days later and tell me that he was leaving at the end of February, so that way she would not need to quit. Since then I have not found any evidence that they were still together, until yesterday.
I guess my mind got the best of me, but I found out he has a twitter account. His top post was dated two days ago and read that he had found "a better half in a women with blue eyes, brown hair, a great personality, and an amazing child". This man is tweeting about my wife and child.
I leave for officer training with the Army in 3 weeks and I will be gone for 4 months, and I am scared to death. I love my wife and I love my family, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. I want it to work, and if my wife put as much effort into ending this affair as she does trying to keep it a secret from me, then I believe I could work through it. I am more than willing to do whatever it takes to make this work, but at what point do I just give up on her.

I need your help. I don't know what to do.
Any opinions would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi Army,

First off, sorry for this. A lot of us have been through this, and I understand where u are coming from...fear, anxiety, distrust....

Well, first off...your wifes reactions are textbook affair responses. Read through this site and you'll understand. 'we r just friends. Nothin is happening. If you werent so invasive of my privacy, this wouldn't be an issue!". Does this sound familiar? 

Are you second guessing yourself, yet? Trying to believe your wife in her " innocent" interaction with her friend, when your gut absolutely knows what is going on?

Well, the first thing you should realize is that you know exactly what's going on. Don't second guess yourself. The second thing you should realize is that no matter how many times your wife says she will stop, she won't stop. She is addicted to the affair, and all those feelings of high she is getting from her interaction with the OM. She is what's called the Affair FOG. This ISN'T your wife. It's her evil twin that will lie right to your face that nothing is going on, but has no intention of stopping the affair. Soon, you will be vilified, and tha you are the absolute worst husband in the world....in fact, she probably told the OM plenty of these stories to make herself look less guilty in doing what she is doing...cheating on you.

So...you have a decision to make. Do you want to end your marriage? Or try to save it? If you wish to end it, that I your right. No one will blame you.

If you wish to save it, then you have to do what is called exposure. You must expose the affair to those most close to her, like your family, her family, and really close friends that mean a lot to her. Don't tell everyone or go on a smear campaign, you just want to expose her actions so the affair is out in the open. Some of the thrill comes from the secrecy part of the affair.
Then, you want her to write a no contact letter to him. Affaircare.com and marriagebuilders.com have great examples of NC letters, and a wealth of info about what to do in an affair situation...more thorough advise than I can give you. I suggest reading those sites.

Is the OM married? If so, tell his wife. Expose him to his network, regardless if he is married. I take the position of some of the site members here, is that one thing I won't tolerate is some man trying to break up my family. He basically waged all out war with you, my friend, and is threatening the breakup of your family. I would call him up and give him a piece of your mind, letting him know that you won't stand idly by while he tries to steal your family. That's just my opinion, of course. Some would argue about this tactic. 

Also, call up the manager where he works, and let him know that the OM is having an affair with your wife, and maybe using that time at work to carry on their affair.
It's all about exposure.

Now, you want to do what is called the 180 program. Then, Plan A, followed up by Plan B. All this information is available at the web sites above.

So, you also need to make your wife realize the consequences of her actions. You have to tell her, it's him or me. Don't let her think about it because she's confused....of course she's confused, she's having an affair. She will make you wait forever if she could. But, you have to be willing to back up your stated consequences, or else you look weak, and she knows you don't mean business. Me, I kicked my wife out, because she wouldn't stop her EA. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But! It made her realize I meant what I said. After two months, she came back.
This may or may not happen with you. Your wife may just runoff to be with the OM. There's no guarantees what will happen or if she will come back. 

BUT,! I would start with no contact, plan a, b and the 180 program first. If none of this works, THEN you may have to get more extreme, with separation or divorce.

Take care! Other members are sure to leave comments, and there are a lot of great people on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is the OM also Army? If so, go to his commander-he'll put the kibosh on him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this, if this girl is serious about wanting to save your marriage, she will agree to the no contact, complete transparency, etc... the face that you are in the army and have to be gone doesn't help things, but she needs to agree to this.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Ask her why she did it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Armyguy, I hate to say this... But things to consider... Your wife is only confessing to the things you've already found out. So the possibility/likelihood is that there's things that you haven't uncovered yet. Be prepared for that.

As far as your wife breaking things off with him... What proof do you have that this was done? What proof do you have that she's not still in touch with him? Have you installed anything to monitor the computer usage? Do you have a way of tracking telephone usage (texts, calls, etc)? How about credit card usage?

Its so easy these days to hide things through technology... New e-mail accounts, chat programs, VOIP calls... If they know you're watching and decide to go underground with it, it's going to be difficult to make sure of anything. 

So he's supposed to be gone from your wife's company in 2 weeks... What does that prove/do for you? I'd say not much... People don't need to work together to cheat together. And with you being gone for 4 months only a week after that, I'm not sure what you can do. I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but that's the way I see it.

Have you two been to any form of counseling?

C


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I am a third generation Italian American and I grew up with lots of great "words of wisdom" The one that comes to mind here is ... 

"Never worry about what people say, worry about what they don't say"

Whatever you think it is, it is worse. period.

Simple solution here.. Imagine it as bad as it can be.. can you live with that? if you can, get the help you need and work on it. If not... Well, do what you can to get out with your pride, and hopefully your kid.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Armyguy -- I am an Army wife as well. I am going to say this and you really might not like it, but I am honestly trying to help you look at the big picture here. We both know that not everyone can be a military spouse. Not everyone can handle the deployments, schools, and all the other time apart. Some can not handle the lack of attention due to deployments. Now think about your wife and tell me if she seems like she is someone who won't be able to handle the lack of attention and affection during a year long deployment. And be honest.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She's not getting this addiction out of her system in three weeks. She'll go cold turkey for that time, then go on a 4 month bender. Set up some serious surveilance checks while you're gone. Get friends to spy on her. Talk to a PI. I don't know about this keylogger software, but I would think getting results remotely wouldn't be hard. Figure out how to get the cell records, home phone records, etc. online before you leave. 

There is NO WAY you are going to come home from 4 months away and accept "no, I didn't talk to him, why do you ask"?

You find out this affair is hot and heavy early, and you can feel better by friending some officer candidates, if you know what I mean. I'm sure there will be quite a few that would love to be a shoulder for you.


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