# Holding responsibility



## illinoisdad55 (Nov 7, 2014)

Hello folks, I like this forum, been reading it for the last few hours and I wanted to ask a question and get some feedback.

I live in Illinois, 2 years ago my wife and I got divorced and I ended up with sole custody of our 4 children, she never asked for custody and she moved to Idaho with her sister where she has joined her sister in a large swinger group and is now living the life and partying like an animal.

I do not resent the fact that I am taking care of the 4 kids however it bothers me a lot that she is out partying and has no job while I am working 12 hours a day and raising my kids with the help of my brother and sister in law. 

I have been reluctant to ask for child support, my x never held a job for more than 3 months during our 15 years of marriage and was generally totally relying on me, even when we were married after having the 3rd child the house work, cooking, laundry cleaning and helping the kids with homework was for me to do even though I worked 55 hour weeks then. Her excuse was always that she was very depressed, while she with me and the kids she would sleep 14 to 16 hours a day and spend all her waking hours on facebook and other social media. In our last year together, we only had sex 3 times because she claimed to be depressed, in the last month of our marriage I found a box under her bed that had a lot of very well used adult toys, dildos, bullets and such. I guess I must have been a total turn off for her by then.

It seems she is not very depressed now living in Boise and from what I have been told she is quite the party girl and has had as many as 30 sexual partners.

If I ask for child support and she cannot pay she will end up in Jail, does anyone want that for the mother of their children? But I also feel that it is not fair that I have to make all the effort for the kids while she does nothing.

What do you guys think I should do? My brother and his wife are pressuring me to seek child support.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

You shouldnt have to bear 100% of the support. She needs to own her end.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you should seek child support. It quite honestly sounds like might be mentally ill. But regardless, in most states she won't go to jail for not paying unless you prosecute. But it's a nice thing to hold over her to make her be responsible to the kids.

I'm sure the kids know you are doing your best. I feel bad for the abandonment they have suffered.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Asking a court to determine her financial support for her children is not mean, or cruel. It is asserting a right your children have and cannot properly assert themselves. Nor do you have to be a financial martyr because she is exhibiting the maturing of a beach ball. She is an adult and can figure out a way to pay her fair share.
My ex isn't too keen on paying support. He is several thousands of dollars in arrears. The most social services has done to him is report him to the credit union. If he files taxes and if he is due a refund, the state will claim that for support. But that's all. Possibly if I tried to prosecute him privately and he acts like a jerk the court would put him in jail for contempt. But that's honestly not what I am after.
Both parents have a responsibility to the kids, even irresponsible parents.


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## illinoisdad55 (Nov 7, 2014)

She works under the table and makes about 2300 a month she's only been working for 2 months. She has no rent, she lives in her sister's trailer and literally has no bills other than buying beer so she can party. 
If she were to move back and share some of the responsibilities it would be good for the kids as well to have mom around. How can child support be enforced on someone who is paid under the table?


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

What's this talk about her moving back and sharing responsibilities? I know it's good to have a mother for your children, but is this the kind of role model you want around them? Go for the checks, make her settle down a bit in her own life if you want - but you really don't want her back in your life, do you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Child support is for the kids. It would mean additional luxuries for them, money for trips and experiences, even college funds. And maybe you could cut back on your hours so you could spend more time with them. 

All you're doing is enabling her selfish lifestyle. And allowing her to be a great example of an irresponsible adult for her kids to follow. 

So yes, I think you should file for support. You don't have to be vindictive, but you and the kids deserve it 

C


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I hate to be a contrarian, but get as far away from that train wreck as possible! The less of that your kids are exposed to the better off they are. She has proven herself to be completely reprehensible, let alone irresponsible. There isn't a court ruling on earth that will change that. Let her go and let her stay the h3ll away from you and yours!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Whether you ask for child support or not, is up to you. Sounds like she won't be a great source of it anyways. 

Kids need stability and role models. 

Yes, your ex should be one of them, but a relative or friend whom you respect will do nicely. My father diesd when I was young, my uncles and cousins took up the slack.

Also, you need time for you. Make self improvements. Make goals like more money, and time. 

Figure a goal to reach it.

Like taking classes, finding better employment.

You need time to decompress, and use the support around you wisely to seek something better.

By concentrating on you first, your children will have a better life. It trickles down to them.


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## illinoisdad55 (Nov 7, 2014)

At the final hearing when the Judge ruled in my favor to have sole custody of the kids he asked if I wanted Child Support, at that time I was still going through my up and downs of love towards her and I said I did not want Child Support. I wonder if I am able to ask for it now since I had turned it down the first time around?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

illinoisdad55 said:


> Hello folks, I like this forum, been reading it for the last few hours and I wanted to ask a question and get some feedback.
> 
> I live in Illinois, 2 years ago my wife and I got divorced and I ended up with sole custody of our 4 children, she never asked for custody and she moved to Idaho with her sister where she has joined her sister in a large swinger group and is now living the life and partying like an animal.
> 
> ...


For the record, I think you're going to be rewarded for the rest of your life. You'll have you kids love, respect, and effection for the rest of their lives. Their mother will have their love and resentment.

Regarding support, I firmly believe in holding others accountable that's something we should show our kids. Regarding jail, states don't work together very well so she's not going to jail anyway. And really if your ex doesn't pay any support then that's going to create more insecurity for your kids. They want to feel like she's thinking about them and doing something.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

The above, and l'm sorry you've been put through and exposed to what she's done and is doing .

If it were me , to hell with her and what she has done to her family , And to hell with whatever income she gets or how she gets it which l'd hate to think. But l'd be going for support at the very least . And l'd be insisting she at least be some kind of mother to her kids to except l wouldn't want her anywhere near them so l've got no clue what the answer would be.
But l think your being "way" too soft on her without at least chasing some support.

Promise us you will never ,ever , consider taking her back after she ruins what's left of her life .


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

illinoisdad55 said:


> At the final hearing when the Judge ruled in my favor to have sole custody of the kids he asked if I wanted Child Support, at that time I was still going through my up and downs of love towards her and I said I did not want Child Support. I wonder if I am able to ask for it now since I had turned it down the first time around?


Don't let that hold you back. Parents go to court all the time to adjust and modify CS due to changing circumstances. At the time of the divorce, you thought you could cover the expense yourself. Now you found that your family has had to help you cover those expenses and responsibilities. That's a common request in family courts. 

Like the others, I really don't think you'll get much out of her, but at least your family will see that you did your part not to let her get away with it. For the children, it will also display another aspect of what she hasn't done, when she faces her mortality and tries reconnect with her long-lost children. 

Idaho, still a draw for free spirits and the irresponsible. Meh.

Best


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