# I'm so afraid of divorce..



## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

So I wont go into detail about my story here. But if your curiouse I have pretty good thread going in Copping With Infedelity. Basically I am currently deployed in the USAF and my wife had and EA. Now there is a pretty good chance It will end in divorce.

I do not want to get divorced.. I want to work things out and rebuild. But it seems like my wife is set on leaving me and starting a new life. 


I'm only 21 and I have 2 kids. How would I be able to find another woman my age who can be a good step mother to my kids? I cant help but think anyone who can suit my needs would be in there late 20s or early 30s... Would any woman that much older than me really want to date and commit to someone as young as me?? I think any other girl my age would be more concerned with partying, staying out late, and not commit to a seriouse long term relationship. 

Thats part of my wifes problem.. She doesnt like the married life. Its not because she wants to be able to party and not have any responsibilies but she just want to be able to do her own thing I guess.. And no this doest mean she wants to abondon our kids. She is an amazing mother and always will be. 

But If I get divorced it seems like the only woman that will be compatable with me would be much older than me.. And probably have kids of their own. It seems like the reason my current marriage is failing is because we never had a chance really date. We had kids very young and dove right into getting married and being parents. How will I be able to avoid making this mistake again without dating someone who isnt too immature or much older than me? Also, I'm not sure someone I guess I feel a lot older than my age allows.. So any girls that are my age just seem too immature for me.


But this also brings up another problem for me. Because I'm in the military I cant really date anyone who is a lot older than me. Mainly because they would also out rank me. This would be considered and inapropriate relationship. And any of the girls who are my age wouldnt want to be with a guy who has kids.. at least not long term. 


These are all just some things that popped into my head sinced I'm faced with divorce and I just wanted to get some opinions on it. I know im probably being irrational but its hard not to be. Also, if you have time I would really appreciate some help with my other thread. Thanks.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Sorry that you are going through this, and being deployed and away from your family has got to be difficult enough.

I'm sure that your wife having an emotional affair is because, like you said, you are young and never got a chance to date. 

Instead of worrying about finding a step mom for your kids, and who you are going to date, find yourself and what makes you happy. Finish up your deployment, get involved in hobbies, spend time with your children, family, friends, then you will have more clarity on what you want for your future. 

Again, so sorry you are going through this. Best of Luck!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Being retired military myself, I understand what's going through your head.
We (military) are taught to be problem solvers, to think ahead of all possible scenarios and proactively face and deal with what is most likely to happen.

Back up a little, slow down.
1) You're not divorced and unless something changed since I last read your thread, you're not even really separated at this point.
2) I think you need to continue to work on reconciliation, if that is your goal. If she won't go see Family Services, you go and see if there is a better way to go about this from your end.
(Navy Family Service Center got my wife and I on the right track. Their counselors are really good.)
3) Try not to look too far in the future. You'll drive yourself crazy and you are in a very fragile state already.
4) as others have posted here, keep your anger in check and do not make unreasonable demands or empty threats.

Approach this problem from a direction to end the affair, reconcile, and help your wife understand what a mistake she is making.
Don't worry about dating at this point.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

:iagree: Just take this one step at a time. From reading your thread, I can tell that you are very mature. I was actually shocked when I saw you were only 21. I married at 22, and now at 32 I wonder if that was a mistake. We are in a very rough patch trying to get over an EA he had 4 years ago, and it's tough. I always thought the tough part would be forgiving, and of course forgetting, but I had no idea how hard it is to let yourself trust and ignore the pain. It's always there and it always will be. We're still trying to get over the issues my insecurity causes and his insensitivity to the pain he caused and his self-defeating attitude about it. 

Anyhow, I think that if you take care of yourself and work on what you can, you'll be irresistible to the right woman. We just don't know yet if the right woman is your wife or some other lucky lady out there. They say things happen for a reason, and I myself struggle to figure this out sometimes, but I think it IS true. Not all 22 year old girls are out to party. There are many looking for a stable man, and you would be that with your sense of family and responsibility. Please rest assured that you have plenty of future left for you. I really hope your wife comes to her senses. Stay strong.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

I probably am thinking to far ahead. But like DanF said Its harnd not to consider all the posible outcomes and consider all my options. (you would this would make me good at chess but I suck lol). 

Thanks for the positive outlook LonelyNLost. I to believe all things happen for a reason. If it turns out that my wife isnt the one, than maybe the reason I was with her was so I could get my 2 amazing kids. But for now I'm hoping my wife still is and always will be that lucky lady.. I still consider myself to be a very very lucky man for being able to call myself her husband. She's made some mistakes but she's still an AMAZING person and mother. 

Your right I do still have A LOT of life to live.. Sometimes I forget just how young I really am.. Most of the time I feel like im in my 30s lol.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Another thing that I thought of is this;
You are away (still deployed)-
The OM is at home-
He is accessible for her to lean on, you aren't. She is likely in the fog and without you around, it is extremely hard, if not downright impossible for her to break away.
She has emotional support right there. And I guarantee you that this snake is not telling her to leave him and make up with you. Keep working on it, try to be positive and loving when you talk to her.
As far as the chain of command goes, nail this slime with everything that you have. If you can prove that he is talking, emailing, texting her, report it. This creep has purposely moved in on a fellow Airman's wife while deployed. The lowest of the low in military circles. Make it public. Let all the other men out there know what this creep is about. Even if you were his first, you won't be his last.

Many many years ago, this happened in the Navy squadron I was assigned to. Not to me, but to a friend. As a team, the Sailors were able to blacklist this creep from everyone in half of WestPac. This kind of news travels fast. He was so miserable that he eventually quit the Navy and we never heard from him again.
We have a brotherhood. I might take your last beer, but never, ever, are we to hit on a brother's wife, especially if that brother is deployed.


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## Mustang! (Jan 17, 2011)

DanF said:


> Another thing that I thought of is this;
> You are away (still deployed)-
> The OM is at home-
> He is accessible for her to lean on, you aren't. She is likely in the fog and without you around, it is extremely hard, if not downright impossible for her to break away.
> ...



My chain of command does know. He has been issued a writen and verbal no contact order. As well as a few other guys with whome he is friends with. I dont think I need to say what will happen to him if I catch him talking to my wife again.

Those things crossed my mind too but I'm not worried about it now that he has a direct order from our commander not to contact my wife. I'm sure he's in his own little hell right now for f***ing over a deployed airmen. Especialy since he's a NCO and I"m not.


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## dmhughes (Jan 25, 2011)

keep your head up!! not all younger girls are afraid of men with children at least you take care of yours my soon to be ex husband owes over $10,000 in child support and hasnt seen his 2 boys in 4 years now! i hope it all works out


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