# Understanding the NC and 180



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK.. I'm trying to understand completely how this is supposed to improve things.

My wife left so she could be free and have a good time. She would be happy if I didn't talk to her cause she said in her letter to not contact her.

How is that suppose to possibly make her come back.

Please.. someone explain this to me..


----------



## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Umm..... I think 180 and nc totally works to keep you detached and focus on yourself. I think we are more in check with our senses because we are not acting on our emotions and being weak in front of our spouses who couldn't care less about how we are feeling. 

Regarding getting back the spouse through 180, I am not fully sure it is going to help every time. But at least it makes them realize that you are moving on, thus they have to get their act together soon if they don't want to lose you completely.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm starting to understand. I do know she is wondering what the kids are doing cause in her text last night she was telling my daughter to not stay up so late that it would get her out of her school routine.

She is thinking about the girls... but not being vocal about missing me.


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I know my wife is super nosey.. would NC make her more likely for her to try and find out what I am doing? 

Is NC suppose to make her think of everything she is missing in the family and have her reevaluate her situation?


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

certainly that is part of it, to give the spouse time to relaize what they left behind...

it is also time for you to heal and and grow individually again...we tend to give up too much as an individual when married, the 180 gives us a chance to get that back...


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I do seem I spend less time thinking about her... until I find her texting my daughter then I want to read it all to see if anything is about me.

That's the hard part. I know I really want to know what she is thinking but a part of me doesn't want to know what she is thinking.

It's a cruel game it seems.


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

you cannot control what she is thinking, so what good does it really do you to know...hopes up to get dashed again??? 

You can only control what you are thinking, so work on that...

if you are worried about what she is saying to your daughter in text (putting you down), have a trusted friend read the texts...


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I think it is just me being so unsure of myself and my future.

I feel better yet still feel very alone in this process... does this make sense?


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

yes, it makes perfect sense, but remember, there is a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely...I felt empowered by being alone after 25 years and surviving day to day, month to month...it was feeling lonely that kicked the crap out of me!


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Ya.. even with the kids around it just isn't the same going through the day without my companion...


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

It really sucks. I am going thru round two with mine and I will be honest, it does suck!! 

But you know what sucks even more?? To allow her to know you are sad and wanting her back. 

If there is ANY chance of getting her back, stuff that "love" down deep and hide it and fake it till you make it! You want to be the "it doesnt matter if she comes, stays, lays or prays" guy!! You are stong and will be happy regardless what she does!!! So go total NC and 180!! 

If that doesnt get her attention and bring her back around, then 
nothing will and your wasting your time anyway and by focusing on yourself, you will be better for it and happier in the long run!! 

I know it hurts bad. I miss my wife even though she was mean to me and neglected me and my love for her most the time. When I start feeling lonely, I force myself to rememeber the screwed up things she has done, and my steps get a little bigger and better because even though I miss the idea of what we had and a wife/family, it wasnt the reality of life day to day with her and the reality of how it really was, is something I DONT want to go back to regardless how much I love her!

If that same love and respect isnt returned and hasnt been, then she wasnt "the one" and there is no need to delay the enivitable or pine over what might have been if she held up her end of the marriage!!


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Thanks... that helps

One thing is miss is the intellectual and philosophical conversations we use to have. we would just lay in bed and talk until 1 am. She was an amazing conversation. She could talk fluently about almost any topic. She is absolutely brilliantly intelligent.

That's why I don't get her current state of mind.

Not having her to talk to almost makes me feeling like I'm getting dumber day by day....


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Your thinking of good things about her... 

Now think about the crap she put you thru...


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

OK... 
-how she slept with my brother for 4 months until she got pregnant with my oldest ( my kid.. my brother is fixed)

-How she had a nervous breakdown 4 years ago and tried to throw me out and was drunk all the time and not looking after her children and drink 16 beers in one sitting.

-how she never smiled in any of our family photos

-how she stopped being supportive of my hobbies why I tried to learn and embrace hers.

- how she would be gone two nights a week to her meditation classes ( which she was actually doing because the lady instructor is a good friend of ours) yet complained when I wanted time to myself and she would have to stay home with the girls

- How she would never eat anything I made because I just wasn't a good cook

-how she would get pissy if we had to watch anything I liked on TV because it was "Boring" so she would stomp off and watch Netflix on the TV upstairs and not come down for the rest of the night

should I go on?


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Wow, 16 beers in one settng...impressive...does she have a sister???....just kidding...

You don't have to focus on the bad stuff (don't want to get to tarnished), or the good stuff (don't want to look at it through those rose colored glasses)...just find a balance between the two that lets you be you and lets you find yourself again, so when the time comes, you can decide for yourself what you really want....


----------



## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Yes.. very impressive for someone that is only 5"1'....

She has booze in her background and had a complete meltdown that summer. It only got better when she went on Anti-depressants but quit those in about 3 months because she didn't like how they made her feel...

She didn't even give them a chance.... and she stopped cold turkey which was a nightmare...


----------



## AUGUSTBABY (Aug 2, 2012)

I have read many posts on the 180 and NC. What do I do when my children (6 & 8) hand me the phone after talking to their dad/H and say, "Here's mom."?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AUGUSTBABY said:


> I have read many posts on the 180 and NC. What do I do when my children (6 & 8) hand me the phone after talking to their dad/H and say, "Here's mom."?


On the 180 there is no reason why you cannot talk to her. Just be upbeat. Say "Hi. Everything is fine with the kids. I hope you are fine." "See ya".


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Sad, i think part of the pain is that we always think of the good times, and not the bad. Clealry you had many bad times as those need to stay fresh in your mind to have proper balance. My wife is not a bad person, but she did a very very bad thing and maybe she did me a huge favor when all is said and done.

I think god we have no kids. I can't imagine what that is like...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is not a tool to bring your spouse back to you. The less contect you have with your spouse, the less likely they are to come back to you.

The 180 is to help you separate from your spouse and to work on improving yourself.

"*Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change.* However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing."

Read the 180 in my siganture block below... If you do not communicate with your spouse who will she see the changes you are making?

NC is for when you DONE and ready to divorce. 180 is not no contact.


----------

