# How do you divorce someone when...



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

1. She doesn't want to divorce and will stall and do everything they can to not let it happen.

2. She doesn't work and can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford to pay her lawyer and mine.

3. They refuse to do the divorce uncontested, thereby making lawyers inevitiable.

4. Her offer of settlement was so ridiculous she knew I wouldn't sign it and she would get to stay married. Man the laws are SO unfair.

I feel so stuck. The only way this is going to happen is if I win the lottery. I filed in Feb. of 2013 and am no closer to being divorced today than I was then. Just been "plodding along" since my lawyer died last December. Living at home. Stressed. Wishing I never married her.

Venting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What does your new lawyer say, as far as a plan goes?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tough scenario. I can only suggest cutting back on ALL non-essential expenses, cancel any of her credit cards and empty joint accounts to enforce very strict spending rules, and save every possible penny to go towards paying for your lawyer and hers. Once you have enough, see your lawyer again, and discuss how to pay for hers. If life is miserable, maybe she'll agree to reasonable terms. Without her own lawyer or an agreement, she can't do much to contest your unilateral actions to save money to pay for the divorce, and may even look for a job to avoid being totally dependent on you.

If she's going to play hardball, you have to as well. Without a court order to share funds, for example, and you being the only source of income, you can do almost anything you want as long as you provide food and shelter for her. Also stop doing anything with her, stop talking to her, and work on yourself. At the moment you have the power - use it. Discuss this with your lawyer to be sure you don't go over the line in any legal sense. If it's not legally impermissible, you can even play dirty if called for. Once you actually file, though, your options and freedom of action are GREATLY curtailed - do whatever can be done prior to filing or separating. Seeing as you already filed, your options are already limited. You can withdraw the filing, I think, which will restore your freedom of action. You can pretend to cave in and seek reconciliation to reset the clock. She should also be aware that if she wastes what money you have in fighting a divorce, she will get less later.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn’t have any credit cards. Just a debit card on our joint account. And I’ve considered changing that so she doesn’t have free access to my money. I don’t currently have a lawyer. He died suddenly last December and I can’t afford to pay another one all over again. Mine left nothing for his clients so I’m pretty much back to square one. I paid her lawyers retainer but nothing else. Her lawyer told her she wasn’t doing anything more until she paid her bill and she can’t pay it. After my lawyer died her lawyer tried to get me to sign my life away and get the divorce done assuming I was desperate. I think the approach is "If he wants this divorce, he's gonna pay for it." 

We don’t talk unless it’s about the kids or money. I can work from home a day and we’ll both be there all day and never say a word to each other. It’s very stressful.

She has absolutely no motivation or desire to divorce. She’s completely dependent on me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why do you let her keep leaching off of you? Give her motivation to move forward. IMHO, your finances should have been separated months ago, like when you decided to get a divorce. And based on your discussions with your last lawyer, you should have an idea about what you should be paying in support, no? So transfer over that much each month to the joint account for he to access, but your check gets deposited in an account only you have access to. 

Hopefully this will a) give you the means to save for another lawyer, and b) reduce her cash flow so she feels hear to move forward. 

Btw, people get divorced every day without lawyers. Is your case particularly complex? Any reason why you can't file with what your lawyer set up, and let her worry about responding?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Im right there with you. Mine has been going on for 3 years now. Inept attorney(s), stalling. Now my stbxw, wants to represent herself, since she owes her last attorney money, and so she can stall even more. Her attorney would even show up to court admitting he was unprepared, the judge would scold him, but would allow him to do it repeatedly. .My attorney, was always paid timely, but stopped doing anything, even let my first divorce petition get dismissed for lack of action. So, now Im on my second attorney, second divorce petition, 30k(just for me) into it, and nothing happening. The legal profession, from my experience, deserves it poor reputation. My brother and brother in law are attorneys, and they say the system is so completely messed up. So such thing as due process anymore.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

toonaive said:


> Im right there with you. Mine has been going on for 3 years now. Inept attorney(s), stalling. Now my stbxw, wants to represent herself, since she owes her last attorney money, and so she can stall even more. Her attorney would even show up to court admitting he was unprepared, the judge would scold him, but would allow him to do it repeatedly. .My attorney, was always paid timely, but stopped doing anything, even let my first divorce petition get dismissed for lack of action. So, now Im on my second attorney, second divorce petition, 30k(just for me) into it, and nothing happening. The legal profession, from my experience, deserves it poor reputation. My brother and brother in law are attorneys, and they say the system is so completely messed up. So such thing as due process anymore.


That's exactly why I haven't been real anxious to spend more money. My lawyer told me the judges here (there's only 2) don't like to make judgements against the non-working spouse so me filing a motion to get her to respond would likely result in nothing. I've only spent $5,000 so far. The terms they've "offered" are not fair in my eyes. We responded with something reasonable a year ago and her lawyer never replied before mine died. So after that she went back to her original ridiculous offer.

It's pretty simple. It's all about how badly I want the divorce. If I really want it, I have to face up to the fact it's going to cost me $20 or $30K and will likely take another year or more with her stalling.

Cutting her off won't prove much. She doesn't spend money frivilously. Doesn't go on shopping sprees or anything like that. She doesn't make real wise decisions but it's not out of control.

The laws just aren't fair. She's a stay at home spouse that refuses to get a job and if I want to divorce her, I'm the one that has to pay and give up a lot.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_1. She doesn't want to divorce and will stall and do everything they can to not let it happen.
_

The judge will sign for her. You can file motions to compel her to court/respond. And also, ultimately, the judge will sign for her whether she wants to or not (if you're stateside).

_2. She doesn't work and can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford to pay her lawyer and mine._

She doesn't need a lawyer for divoce. You don't need to pay her to have one (are you serious???! I wish you were my exH and paid for mine LOL).

_3. They refuse to do the divorce uncontested, thereby making lawyers inevitiable._

Well then she better lawyer up if she wants to go that route. But she can't have it both ways. And yes, contested = more $$$/headache.

_4. Her offer of settlement was so ridiculous she knew I wouldn't sign it and *she would get to stay married*. Man the laws are SO unfair._

Um, that' snot how it works. If you don't like her offer, send a counter and keep on countering... 

_I feel so stuck. The only way this is going to happen is if I win the lottery. _

Not true. File motions to compel her and get it going. Where there is a will... Don't lose hope.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

*Re: How do you divorce someone when... UPDATE*

Well well well...so after 3 months of not a word about the divorce, she comes to me and said she was able to pay her lawyer some on her bill so we're ready to move forward. I was shocked to say the least since she doesn't want to divorce.

Now she's asking me to go over their last offer and talk to her about what I don't like so we can try to work it out ourselves without going to mediation or court.

Sounding promising for a change. We'll see. The saga continues...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

where did she get the money?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

sounds like she wants the house, kitchen sink and the water dripping from it.

She wants you to pay her to leave, alimony, child support, child care.

Just enough, she may be able to live frugally off of it. Or till she hooks

another guy. What co-parenting plan do you have? Her not being self-

supporting might help you in custody rights. Stories like yours make me feel

blessed to be able to end a 15 year marriage with a do-it-yourself divorce

for $184. But....we had no kids


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> where did she get the money?


Her dad.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Protect your money and assets now. This is the point where she starts to listen to other people about what she can and cannot do and may bankrupt you to get some payback.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Protect your money and assets now. This is the point where she starts to listen to other people about what she can and cannot do and may bankrupt you to get some payback.


Not to sound gullible but she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. At least not in the sense that she'd do something like that. Her meanness comes from her immaturity in our marriage.

I will protect myself of course.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

never ever underestimate a pizzed off female...with children...and no job


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She can want in one hand and defecate in the other and see which hands fills the quickest. Nobody can keep you from getting divorced. If she can't come to a reasonable agreement, you can haul her into court and lawyers and a judge will say who gets what. You can also figure out what she's getting out of the marriage and turn that faucet down to a trickle until she's more motivated to leave than to stay.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

People will surprise you when their lifestyle, perceived livlihood or means of living is threatened. 
Add kids into that mix and you could easily end up in a shallow grave down by the crick.

Right now you are doing all three.

Please be careful.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did you ever manage to get divorced?

Your wife is very mysterious. She completely quit having sex. Did all the desire vanish. Did she not even masturbate? She never even tried to have sex to sabotage the divorce.

Your threads drove people crazy because your wife was so stubborn. Amazing to see how many veteran TAMers posted and later disappeared. Conrad, gone. Mavash gone and so on.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

BeachGuy said:


> She doesn’t have any credit cards. Just a debit card on our joint account. And I’ve considered changing that so she doesn’t have free access to my money. I don’t currently have a lawyer. He died suddenly last December and I can’t afford to pay another one all over again. Mine left nothing for his clients so I’m pretty much back to square one. I paid her lawyers retainer but nothing else. Her lawyer told her she wasn’t doing anything more until she paid her bill and she can’t pay it. After my lawyer died her lawyer tried to get me to sign my life away and get the divorce done assuming I was desperate. I think the approach is "If he wants this divorce, he's gonna pay for it."
> 
> We don’t talk unless it’s about the kids or money. I can work from home a day and we’ll both be there all day and never say a word to each other. It’s very stressful.
> 
> She has absolutely no motivation or desire to divorce. She’s completely dependent on me.


while you are waiting for lottery , she already won it ; she is in a wining situation no matter what you do .

The question is in this situation what will you gain from a divorce this way ?

nothing except freedom .

I advise you to do one thing :

for the time being ,get your freedom while ur still married ; convince her to seek MC and suggest open marriage ; and let her acceptance be documented with him ; 

go and live your life , do whatever you want ; provided that ur kids are intact ; after a period of time ; she will beg u for divorce ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

:scratchheadne quick q?

what is the main reason of divorce ?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Zouz said:


> :scratchheadne quick q?
> 
> what is the main reason of divorce ?


Lack of sex is the biggest reason. She was raised rather prudish and "didn't talk about those things". When there was conflict she was taught to just be quiet and it'll all go away. Which is exactly how she treated our marital problems. Add to that won't work, doesn't keep a clean home, cooks only 2 days a week (and only started that a year or two ago) and yeah, I'm done. I know I let her get away with it for a long time but all I do is look forward. I am going to be divorced from this leech. And yes, she will be fine with alimony, child support, my house, half my 401k....and that really pisses me off. But if I keep letting it do that then I'll gain nothing by leaving. And I want to be happy again. And getting laid.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You may very well have to pay her off to get out of this mess.

What's your sanity worth?


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