# Considering divorce



## jitsu86 (May 24, 2018)

Stats: Age 32, 5'9 190#, active, high earning entrepreneur, married 8 years.

My wife and I met in high school and remained friends. We started dating sophomore year of college and things were fantastic. We were highly attracted to each other, effortless high intensity sex, and we were very close.

We get married and things are ok for years. She worked as an elementary school teacher and I started my business. Sex began to decrease to maybe a couple times per month because "she was a stressed out teacher'. Even during her months off. But things were ok.

We began to seriously deteriorate a year ago.

I was raised by my grandmother. My parents were drug addicts and my grandmother took me in when I was 18 months old. I cannot begin to describe how close we were, even through my teen years. My grandmother was a very selfless lady, obviously, and I could never repay her for saving me in every way a child can be saved.

Last May, her health began to deteriorate. She fell May 1st, and broke her back at 83 years old. She was in intensive care for days, and I found out that I was medical POA. This upset family members because they were "stepped over". I took off the month of May to take care of my grandmother. 

The entire month, my wife nagged me.

"When are you going back to work?" Keep in mind we had over a year's worth of cash in the bank.
"I need you home more." My wife was now a stay at home mom.
"You're at the hospital too much. This could go on for months" Well, I was willing to take care of Gran for months if needed.

The breaking point was when I was literally following the ambulance to her rehab facility (assisted living short term) which is somewhere I promised my grandmother I would never put her. My wife called and was talking about the dog acting up. I told her I just didn't have the time to deal with this right now. As we are pulling in the assisted living facility, she says "**** you" and hangs up on me.

I don't need people often. I'm always the person that people go to for help. But I needed my wife that month. Not for emotional support, but to just take care of the basic normal household things and not become another problem for me.

Gran passed away May 30th.

Since then...

She says she hates me.
She has insisted to me, her family, and our therapist that I'm a sociopath. Nobody agrees with her.
She says if I need more sex then I should masturbate. 
She is now pregnant and threatens me a few times per month that I won't be allowed at the birth for XYZ reason of her choice. (the latest being, if I have had a cigar that day)

Keep in mind, I have never cheated, never abused her (I've yelled at her before), I take care of our family, she doesn't have to work/cook/clean/do laundry/make an income. I'm attractive and well respected in our community.

So my question is this:

Can a marriage survive all of this? I have detached significantly the past year and I don't think I love her anymore. I can hardly say it on the phone. We have been doing counseling for a year together, and 6 months myself with a different counselor with no real improvement. 

I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Why are you having a baby with her right now if things have been deteriorating for a year???


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

DNA the baby.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Marriages can survive anything if both parties want them too. For a while you put your relationship with your grandmother ahead of your relationship with your wife and you can never do that. The marital relationship has to be the #1 relationship in your life, above all others. Even above the relationship with your children. If it isn't, it'll suffer and so many won't survive. I see it every single day in my line of work. Marriages that last and thrive are because they are the #1 priority in both spouses' lives.


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## jitsu86 (May 24, 2018)

It just happened.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

The odds are high that she was cheating on you, so make sure that kid is yours (as well as any other kids) or you'll end up with 18 years of child support for another man's child. 

Now for your other issues. You need to go to counseling to figure out why you tolerate anyone treating you this way. Where did your self respect go? Why are you taking care of her financially, doing all the housework, and tolerating her berating you? I'd personally file for divorce and unless she turns around completely and becomes the woman you fell in love with, I'd walk out that door. Her telling you that you can't be around for the birth of a child that MIGHT be yours is not something you should tolerate. If you divorce her you'll get 50% custody so she'll lose that time with the kids that she values, in addition to your help around the house, and your financial security. So realize if you leave she is royally screwed; decide your future actions with that as mindset not one where she gets all the power and gets to make all the choices.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jitsu86 said:


> It just happened.


OK lets grow up address realities openly and honestly if we are to get anywhere. 

It just happened means you two were schmoozing each other up and making out and engaging in foreplay and then your penis went into her vagina and you ejaculated. 

In other words you had marital sex. 

Which means that while you may have marital issues and conflicts, you are not in a completely loveless and sexless marriage.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I'm not one to attribute everything to cheating, but it seems like a real possibility your wife has found someone else. It sounds as if she is building the case to everyone as to why she's justified in leaving you (he abandoned our family, he's a sociopath, etc.).


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

jitsu86 said:


> It just happened.


No it didn't.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your statement that you don’t need other people and you are the one that gets called to help others seems to dovetail with your wife’s neediness. Most people realize that other people’s need s are not like their own. You wife asking for help with the dog was simmply wanting you to want to pay attention to here. You sound like a wonderful worker/ employee and very logical. What you seem like is Spock. Your logic seems to discount the different emotional needs of a woman. I imagine by spending so much time with your grandmother while very commendable, your wife felt like she has been left in the dust. SAHMs are particularly vulnerable to this because of the lack of interaction with others.

Hopefully she hasn’t been in an affair but you need to rule that out. Otherwise, get the books FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS for you both and MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER for you. 

You are the leader of your family, time to lead.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jitsu86 said:


> Stats: Age 32, 5'9 190#, active, high earning entrepreneur, married 8 years.
> 
> My wife and I met in high school and remained friends. We started dating sophomore year of college and things were fantastic. We were highly attracted to each other, effortless high intensity sex, and we were very close.
> 
> ...


I’d file first thing tomorrow morning.

Also, don’t sign anything claiming the baby she’s carrying as your own until you’ve had a DNA-based paternity test that proves you’re the father.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

DNA test for the baby definitely!!! She is probably cheating on you. You are smart man, you have your own business, get the DNA test for that baby. Hire a PI to follow your wife, you will see then why she is like that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Marriages can survive anything if both parties want them too. For a while you put your relationship with your grandmother ahead of your relationship with your wife and you can never do that. The marital relationship has to be the #1 relationship in your life, above all others. Even above the relationship with your children. If it isn't, it'll suffer and so many won't survive. I see it every single day in my line of work. Marriages that last and thrive are because they are the #1 priority in both spouses' lives.


I generally agree that marriage comes first, but this is ridiculous. The woman who saved him and raised him was very ill. His wife should have been supportive.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Marriages can survive anything if both parties want them too. For a while you put your relationship with your grandmother ahead of your relationship with your wife and you can never do that. The marital relationship has to be the #1 relationship in your life, above all others. Even above the relationship with your children. If it isn't, it'll suffer and so many won't survive. I see it every single day in my line of work. Marriages that last and thrive are because they are the #1 priority in both spouses' lives.


Bingo! Read the above quote over and over and over and over again, 1000x or more if necessary, until it sinks in.


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