# Marriage is done just shy of 20 years...



## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here—I want to vent, but I’ll also take any advice offered.

A little background before diving into it. W and I have been married nearly 20 years—20th anniversary is actually next week—and we have three teenaged kids (S19, D17, S13). We’ve had our ups and downs. Unfortunately, we disagreed on the ratio of ‘ups’ to ‘downs’. I thought our time together was great. Her, not so much.

Back in January, W had to go out of town for about seven months (work-related). Though neither of us were looking forward to the separation, we figured it would be manageable since we’d dealt with it before (I had to endure a few stints away from the family for months at a time (six months or more)). During my time away, we kept in frequent contact and I made sure to schedule time in her morning and evening so she could call and decompress. This was the norm with the W and me: we loved to talk to each other. Even when one of us took a quick trip out of town, our cell phone bill would be ridiculous with the number of calls/texts back and forth. Given our history, I thought things would be fine.

W left in early Jan and things were good for the first three weeks. However, I began noticing changes in her demeanor as she solidified her new social circle. Suddenly she would only call me on her way out of the door so our conversations were no more than 30-60 seconds. If I called her, she would find something else to do (in one example someone walked by her office door, so she had to go see if she could help them). Later, she would become noticeably irritated if I called her and would often manufacture an argument to get off of the phone. 

During this same period, she also cut off other family members (kids, siblings, and parents). Needless to say, things got progressively worse. She began attacking me for being jealous because she’s enjoying herself and I’m “home miserable with the kids.” She also told me that she had no intention of “sitting in a room and pining for H.” Then the relationship revisionism began, with the “we hardly talk when you’re away”, and “you know I hate talking on the phone.” So it went…she made sure every conversation became an argument. Unfortunately, our kids also noticed this as she would randomly explode on me in the middle of a Skype call. All of this is on top of the lying to me about money (would withdraw money from the account and lie about it); where she was going (said she had meetings, but actually went parties/the bar); and general disrespect.

I’ve been to two separate counselors, confided in my mom and a good friend, and they all asked the same question: “Have you considered the possibility that W is being unfaithful?”

Have I thought about it? Ha! What I didn’t tell them is one of the times I called W, she ‘answered’ the phone instead of hitting the ignore key and I had the privilege of hearing her having sex with someone. “Surely it’s a bad connection”, I thought, so I called back. The phone answered on its own (she must have had it right by her) and she’s still going at it. I’m trying to get her attention, with no luck, so I call back again. This time, while hitting the keys and yelling her name, I get their attention. I hear a guy ask “what is that noise”; then I hear her say “what noise? OH SH!T!” and hang up the phone. She’s denying everything, of course. She claimed to be in the car sending text messages and that’s what I was hearing. When I said “send pictures of the text conversation with the time stamps”, she replied, “no, because I shouldn’t have to…you should just believe me.” :wtf:

Anyway, with nearly 20 years under our belt, I decided that we should see if the marriage was worth salvaging. Then began a cycle of me completely mortgaging every ounce of dignity to save my marriage. In the meantime W treated me worse and worse. If only I found TAM sooner…

Fast forward to now, and we’re prepping for the divorce. She’s still out of town, but my lawyer advised that we should try to pursue mediation as it’s much cheaper and we have more flexibility. We can work on it while she’s away and finalize it when she returns. However, W refuses to assist in any efforts to create/refine a divorce settlement while she’s away. “It will just have to wait until I return, so f*ck you!” is what she told me last night. It’s a power play...and she’s enjoying the power.

For the record, R is out of the question…I want nothing more to do with this woman and the sooner she’s out of my life for good, the better off I will be.

So why am I here? I guess to share my story with men and women who have been where I have been and understand how hard it is to see a marriage fall apart, lose your self-respect by begging the WS to stay, then being trapped by someone who will not cooperate with your efforts to separate. Thanks for reading.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So sorry you are here . Your wife sounds despicable.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So sorry you are here . Your wife sounds despicable.


It boggles my mind how we were together for so long and I never noticed this side of her was just below the surface.

It's crazy...


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## MarieB (May 27, 2015)

unblinded said:


> It boggles my mind how we were together for so long and I never noticed this side of her was just below the surface.
> 
> It's crazy...


Sorry for what you're going through :frown2: to me, the saddest part sometimes of a divorce/separation is that a person you feel you know so well and for so long can turn into someone unrecognizible in an instant.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is pretty sad. Sorry for what you're going through.

LDRs take a lot of work and discipline and personally, I think they are one of the things marriages must avoid at all cost. You simply can't bond if you're not together physically. I was in a LDR with my ex for 5 years and it really tested our relationship. We were successfully married for 8 years after that, until he dropped a bomb on my head. 

Sadly your W was not up to the task and preferred to live a single life again. Thus is a constant temptation when in a separate place, alone, and "unplugged." It's very easy for some guy to weasel in, and if she's lonely enough (and has poor boundaries) she will lap it up. After all, you're so far away.... Low chance of her getting caught. 

You know who she is now. Believe it. I'd have her stuff packed in garbage bags sitting on the front step for when she returns.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you stopped your direct deposits from going into the joint account?

Why won't you expose her cheating?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Medeation only works when both parties can agree....your wife won't deal with reality until she is done working/phucking and comes home.....can you wait?

I have a feeling she can deal with you on her term when she returns....I suggest you go for broke and have her served!
File get the divorce and do this under your terms...not hers.

At the very least talk to a couple of more lawyers.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

She is still in fantasy land because she is gone. Once she actually comes home and realizes the totality of all the damage she is doing you will see someone completely different. I don't think she will be begging for a second chance but I bet she will be just blaming you and how you pushed her to it. My xW did the same thing to me of course without the separation. 

Regardless of what happens stay the course. No one ever deserves to be betrayed like that. If should couldn't have thought of her marriage and her family while taking her pants off then that is her problem. 

Focus on taking care of yourself and the kids and start separating personal items so she cant take them once she is back in town. 

I am really sorry you and your family is going through this but you do deserve better. 

Clay


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Mediation might be shorter in the short term...but I suspect that it will be more expensive in the long term. You have kids together and she does not demonstrate that she has any desire to be fair to you. 

So get an aggressive lawyer. And be prepared to fight. 

And...I am sorry. It sucks...it's really an awful experience to have a spouse cheat.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Thanks to everyone for the feedback.

We went to individual bank accounts a few weeks back as she almost sent us into negative territory by swiping money from the account. I have always insisted that she be a part of our monthly budgeting exercise (though I normally had to drag her along, kicking and screaming). I would _always_ ask how much she needed for this payday and we would set aside that amount. I have to emphasize something at this point. I've never been one to tell W what she could have. We are equal partners and should agree on how our money is spent. Anyway, W would blow through her money and start eating into other budget lines (e.g., groceries, school lunches, utilities, my 'allowance'). The last time I called her out for doing it and lying about it, W told me that "other people are spending way more, so you should really get off my back." She followed up by informing me that she would spend whatever amount she wanted when she wanted to. At that point, I told her it was time to split the money. Unfortunately, she wanted all of the joint accounts split (to include our brokerage accounts). We signed an agreement that the division would serve as the liquid asset property division in the divorce...we'll see if it holds up. I suspect she's spending like a drunken sailor on shore leave (because that's what she does), so we'll see if she's crying poor when she returns. I will give her credit on one point: she promptly transfers (through a holding account) sufficient funds to help run the household, and often sends more money than we need...though I only keep what is necessary to run the house. I deposit the excess into her local savings account (though she doesn't know it yet).

I'm going to consult with an attorney I've been in contact with as I expect a vicious custody battle for S13 is brewing. We'll see...I'm not going to let him be a pawn in her game, so I may have to make a few concessions (until next year when he can decide where he wants to live). I've cleaned all of her belongings out the bedroom and common areas and put them in the garage. Hopefully the numerous critters will leave her stuff alone, but I'm not terribly concerned about it. 

Though it's a little late, I'm going 180 on this. Not for her mind you; as I stated before, I have no interest in R with W. Just the thought of her disgusts me...I just want her out of my life. This 180 is because I have repeatedly thrown myself into her emotional traps and she had a ball completely abusing me. 

Yes; I set myself up for the abuse, but today is a new day. I'm no longer blind to what my stbxw is...I can genuinely start moving forward.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry UB that you are in this position. Your wife sounds terrible.
How are your kids taking all of this? Reality will hit her when the contract is over and she has to return to ........nothing.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

She has no respect for you whatsoever.

The she has treated you will not change in this divorce. 

Mediation will not work. 

Litigation is the only way you can gain control over your life and end this crap. 

Sorry you're here. BTDT.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

aine said:


> So sorry UB that you are in this position. Your wife sounds terrible.
> How are your kids taking all of this? Reality will hit her when the contract is over and she has to return to ........nothing.


My kids are a pretty tough brood, but they're not taking it well. I make sure they know I'm available to talk and, for the most part, they take me up on the offer. I answer as many questions as I can (while leaving out some of the more sordid details, of course). 

They've tried talking to W a few times, but she normally snaps at them and refuses to address their concerns. Nevertheless, I try to keep them from being too angry with her while she's away. I may despise her, but I can legally terminate my relationship with her. Our kids are kind of stuck. But it will be up to W to repair their relationship when she returns. I will not participate in that.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> She has no respect for you whatsoever.
> 
> The she has treated you will not change in this divorce.
> 
> ...


I agree on all points.

She was initially receptive to the mediation and a quick dissolution, but has since flipped-flopped on it. My gut tells me her OM is advising her on how to approach this...particularly as it looks like she wants to fight me for primary custody of S13 when she was perfectly content with letting him stay with me just four weeks ago.

Anyway, I'm ready for her to bring the pain. I know once it begins, I'll be that much closer to being done with her.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Sorry that you're here, UB. You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful, warm-hearted person. She makes my STBXH sound like a good guy. We have a S13, too - he is our only child. STBXH started an affair last year with a woman he met while out of town at a funeral. It's ridiculous but true. He's now left me for her, after 25 years of marriage, and without a word to me before starting things with her about being unhappy in our marriage - he just checked out. I will be signing the dissolution papers this week or next. He at least is being honorable about the settlement and family plan. I'm sorry your wife sounds like she will not be.

You certainly are already on the right path - one it took me some real gut-wrenching work to get to. But realizing they're not who we thought they were is a big first step. Mourning the loss of the future we thought we'd have has been the hardest phase for me. It sounds like you're channeling your anger and using it for good instead of evil. That's what's saved me. I think anger gets a bad rap. If you don't let it blind you, it can lead you successfully through the fire.

I agree with the suggestions to find an aggressive lawyer and have her served. She's a case of someone who deserves that to happen. And keep living by The 180. It's never too late to start implementing it, as you already recognize, not for their sake or to win them back - for your own.

I wish you peace through this ordeal. You'll make it through it - we all do, and find the best parts of ourselves in the process. We run into the worst, too - but not for long.


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## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sir you must get your heart and mind separated post haste .......... Hire a PI to follow her around , place a GPS tracker on her car , monitor her ....... She will slip up again and you need proof positive that she is adulterous behind your back ....... You are not the first nor the last that has had this problem but don't be ignorant and in denial either . I've had my issues with my wife , you can find my posts in the Financial section of this board ........... No one here can judge you , they are not walking in your shoes but take the best course of action possible to protect your kids , your sanity and your life


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

unblinded said:


> I agree on all points.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Of course she agrees with mediation. It allows her to continue eating cake. 

Do not give up on S13. Your kids are looking at you and how you handle this. You are setting an example. 

This is where I failed and my only regret. 

Good luck to you. Don't wait for her to bring the pain. Take it to her.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Ugh! unblinded, what you wrote matched very closely to my experience with my STBX. Lots of sabotaged discussions, rude behavior that was "justified", increased spending and lies, gaslighting, and creating a revised history of our marriage. I am so sorry you had to hear what you did on the phone...that must have been traumatic.

At this stage, you almost need to see your wife as a junkie...as all of her time, money, and energy is going into her new drug. And she has lost control, blocking out the consequences...and so self-deluded that she actually thinks abandoning her marriage and her kids for her selfish reasons are somehow justified. This is a person who is being destructive...so yes, do the 180...limit all communication to business-only. 

If you give a pig a pancake, she is going to want some syrup...so set limits and don't make any measures that will give her the benefit of the doubt. Another pig reference: Don't cast your pearls before swine or they will trample on them and trample on you in the process.

Also, you need to prepare for the scenario that she will crash and may come crawling back when the affair goes south and the phone is silent on your end.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Educate yourself... 

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

unblinded said:


> My kids are a pretty tough brood, but they're not taking it well. I make sure they know I'm available to talk and, for the most part, they take me up on the offer. I answer as many questions as I can (while leaving out some of the more sordid details, of course).
> 
> They've tried talking to W a few times, but she normally snaps at them and refuses to address their concerns. Nevertheless, I try to keep them from being too angry with her while she's away. I may despise her, but I can legally terminate my relationship with her. Our kids are kind of stuck.  But it will be up to W to repair their relationship when she returns. I will not participate in that.


Legally stuck and actually stuck are two different things. There have been many cases here where the kids never have anything at all to do with a wayward parent. Especially sons with their cheating mother. Do not push them to interact with her at your peril.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she been home at all since she left for her job?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Has she been home at all since she left for her job?


No. She will be back within the next two months.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Today was a bad day. As angry as I am, and as much as I want to get away from W, I missed her terribly all day.

I know these days will come, but it just sucks. I'll go for a run and try to clear my head.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you found out who the OM is? Just what is her plan when she comes home? Is the OM from your area also?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Have you found out who the OM is? Just what is her plan when she comes home? Is the OM from your area also?


I don't know who he is, nor if he's from our area. All I know is my wife gave herself to him...that's enough. 

Her plan is to move on. Even if she had any hopes of settling back into a normal family life, she recognizes that things are WAAAAAAAAAAY too far gone. No amount of work will ever 'right this cart'.

She knows I love her, and I know she loves me.

I also know she doesn't respect me, and she knows I want nothing more to do with her.

It will get better...I just have to accept that I'll have a down day every so often.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How are your kids reacting to all this? Its a good idea to have them see a counselor. Are they angry, sad?

Yu need a good lawyer since custody is involved. dadsdivorce.com may be a good place to start looking.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its reasonable to know if the OM is in your area or if your wife and him are planning to stay together. Your kids may end up being around him. I would at least have a background check made of him. We already know he has some very bad faults.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Its reasonable to know if the OM is in your area or if your wife and him are planning to stay together. Your kids may end up being around him. I would at least have a background check made of him. We already know he has some very bad faults.


If he's from this area, I'll know fairly quickly after she returns and will do needs to be done to protect my kids.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> How are your kids reacting to all this? Its a good idea to have them see a counselor. Are they angry, sad?
> 
> Yu need a good lawyer since custody is involved. dadsdivorce.com may be a good place to start looking.


The kids are angry and sad (and, unfortunately, still hoping for a miracle). They're not receptive to counseling just yet, but thankfully they're talking to me. I plan on easing them towards IC.

It pains me that this will likely be an ugly divorce. It would have been so much easier if she just took her money, her stuff, newfound freedom, and hit the door. We could have agreed on a fair custody arrangement and lived our lives with minimal interaction. 

Alas, she's trying to turn this into a win-lose scenario. She has no idea that neither of us wins.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Use her fog against her.

Dont bother with the spy stuff unless it can change the division. In most states, she can screw a hockey team in front of the judge and itvwont mean squat.

Congrats, you, lovemyjava and Lbhmidwest are members of the psycho ex wife club.

While you scrimped the details, the kids do know she has a boyfriend right?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

weightlifter said:


> Use her fog against her.
> 
> Dont bother with the spy stuff unless it can change the division. In most states, she can screw a hockey team in front of the judge and itvwont mean squat.
> 
> ...


The older two found out by accident. I was talking to W the other day and she was, once again, being abusive and berating me for letting the kids know what was happening (that mom and I were divorcing). She said I should have just lied to them until she returned so I couldn't control the story. 

After months of telling my kids that parents drift apart sometimes, and mom is not the bad guy, I lost it on W. I threw the infidelity at her and told her to have fun screwing her boyfriend. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that my kids were standing behind me.

I'm not upset that they know, I just regret how they found out. Sadly, D came to me an hour later a said W's behavior "made sense now."


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Tell you what. The day she had her phone on and you heard her getting it on with that guy was when you should have got a lawyer and ended it. I f I heard that, her stuff would be in the yard in bags.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

6301 said:


> Tell you what. The day she had her phone on and you heard her getting it on with that guy was when you should have got a lawyer and ended it. I f I heard that, her stuff would be in the yard in bags.


The day before it happened, I would have agreed with you. When it actually happened, things weren't as cut and dry. I started rationalizing the situation and blaming myself for driving her away.

I finally got my wits about me and placed the blame where it belonged...on her.

This is great, though. Just talking about how easily she discarded our marriage is chasing away the nostalgia and feeling of missing her. I'm reminded of why our marriage is over.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Only respond to emails from her about your kids or finances. Stop any texting or phone calls. She fired you, let her live with that. Do not feed her emotional abuse of you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

unblinded said:


> The older two found out by accident. I was talking to W the other day and she was, once again, being abusive and berating me for letting the kids know what was happening (that mom and I were divorcing). She said I should have just lied to them until she returned so I couldn't control the story.
> 
> After months of telling my kids that parents drift apart sometimes, and mom is not the bad guy, I lost it on W. I threw the infidelity at her and told her to have fun screwing her boyfriend. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that my kids were standing behind me.
> 
> I'm not upset that they know, I just regret how they found out. Sadly, D came to me an hour later a said W's behavior "made sense now."


So now you see there is no way to "nice" your way through this. Thats how cheaters play...they phucking lie and try to "nice their way through the wasteland they created.

Hey man i can appreciate the effort you are making in saving your kids, but your old lady phucked that up big time and she didn't give 2 shyt about the collateral damage.

It's important to be there for the kids but dude....you can't hide them or shelter them....face this shyt head with your kids.

Show your kids you love them enough to face it head on with them and in the end you and them will over come this bull crap that their mother has created.

They are a part of this...embrace them...they are hurt too!



What kind of mather goes off for an out of town job, treats her kids like shyt and expect respect???

Dude IDK... but your phucking sheltering them when they know something is phucked up with their mom ....NOW THEY KNOW...FACE THIS SHYT TOGETHER!!!!

Your old lady is going to be pissed no matter what.....it sucks that you and the kids are getting in the way of her fantasy.

PHUCK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Only respond to emails from her about your kids or finances. Stop any texting or phone calls. She fired you, let her live with that. Do not feed her emotional abuse of you.


Already there. The sucky thing about that is, increasingly, she will not respond to my emails about the kids (it's a power play). I mitigate that by just having the kids contact her directly. Sometimes it takes her days to respond...and that just reinforces what the kids think of her these days.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

the guy said:


> Dude IDK... but your phucking sheltering them when they know something is phucked up with their mom ....NOW THEY KNOW...FACE THIS SHYT TOGETHER!!!!


I can't agree with the statement that they were being sheltered. They recognized there was a shift in mom's behavior, but I wanted them to assess the situation for themselves without informing them that mom is 'easy'. 

Was it necessary for them to know about the infidelity? I don't know. It makes them angry at mom, feel sorry for dad, and makes reconciliation between them that much harder. But in the long-run, I'm not sure there's much benefit to it. 

I'm not big on vengeance, so I don't take any pleasure in seeing her 'chickens come home to roost.' I just want to be done with her.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Today is our 20th anniversary. It will be a nice reminder of the lie I've been living. 

Good times.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

unblinded said:


> Already there. The sucky thing about that is, increasingly, she will not respond to my emails about the kids (it's a power play). I mitigate that by just having the kids contact her directly. Sometimes it takes her days to respond...and that just reinforces what the kids think of her these days.


If she doesn't respond to emails, just stop. Let her initiate. Walk away wives and cheating wives very often dump their kids too.

If your kids want to communicate with her that's fine. Just don't force it. You can't save their relationship but you can stillnruin your own. If she is this bad get them counseling, especially the youngest one.

Your wife seems particularly bad, looking back did you see any signs she could be this vicious to you?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> unblinded said:
> 
> 
> > Already there. The sucky thing about that is, increasingly, she will not respond to my emails about the kids (it's a power play). I mitigate that by just having the kids contact her directly. Sometimes it takes her days to respond...and that just reinforces what the kids think of her these days.
> ...


Looking back, I can recall some recurring themes (like her lack of respect for me), but I never thought she could become this nasty. 

I honestly don't know who she is anymore.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

unblinded said:


> Today is our 20th anniversary. It will be a nice reminder of the lie I've been living.
> 
> Good times.


So sorry. Do something nice for yourself today, please!!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I would start the paper work on the divorce and ask the court for temporary custody. This will help you when she gets back and starts making her demands. 

I would stop calling all together. After a while you will see she will try to take back control and call you and demand you respond to her. This is where you let her hang. 

I would even consider moving things out of the house to a safe location that you really want to keep. Maybe like personal family things. 

You never know just how she will respond when she comes back and also keep in mind if its this easy for her to destroy this long of a relationship then it will be nothing to hurt you in other ways. 

Clay


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do your children know about her affair? Or just about the divorce?

I also do not see mediation working. She is not going to cooperate. My bet is that she will take the victim stance in mediation. If that starts just get an attorney and work through the attorney.

You do need to find out who the OM is because your children are going to be around this guy.

In many cases I think of the affair as a symptom of something bigger going on with the WS, like a nervous breakdown. Your wife's change and actions is one of the more dramatic ones. It's almost like this person is one drugs.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

unblinded said:


> She knows I love her, and I know she loves me.
> 
> I also know she doesn't respect me, and she knows I want nothing more to do with her.


I'm going to respectfully disagree with your first sentence based on your second.

Respect > Love

It is my belief that respect is the foundation for everything else.

If she doesn't respect you, she most certainly doesn't love you.

A person that loves you wouldn't have done what she did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unblinded said:


> If he's from this area, I'll know fairly quickly after she returns and will do needs to be done to protect my kids.


How about, instead, you do it NOW?

Go see your lawyer TODAY and tell him to do whatever it takes, whatever it costs - PI, proof, suing, defamation of character, whatever he can throw at the two of them - to ENSURE that your kids never get claimed as HER primary custody. Right now your ONLY mission is to ensure those kids don't have to live under the same roof as a woman in the middle of her 'midlife crisis' who's going to be trying on every man who will have her - and which men, as she ages, will become less and less decent men. 

Who cares who THIS guy is? She's down a path of 'self redemption' that she can't recognize is the devil's path (note: I am NOT religious, this is just a saying - she chose incorrectly). SOME day she's going to realize what a monstrous mistake she made, but it's likely to be 10 or 20 years from now after she's destroyed everything in her life just to get a man to want her.

And above all, your job in this life, right now, is to protect your kids from living in that. And this isn't even bringing up the 'many kids are abused by their stepdads' thing.

Put everything aside EXCEPT getting sole custody of the kids. Do it NOW, while she's high on the 'another man wants me' crap and will do anything you say to keep feeling that high. Have your lawyer contact her TOMORROW with your terms. Stop talking to her. Let the kids skype if they want; don't push it if they don't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unblinded said:


> Looking back, I can recall some recurring themes (like her lack of respect for me), but I never thought she could become this nasty.
> 
> I honestly don't know who she is anymore.


She is now a drug addict.

She is high on being pursued by a man. Just like she was when you two were dating (and you as well). It's the PEA chemicals, and it's what creates the 'affair fog' she's in. 

You don't cave in to a drug addict. You move swiftly, forcefully, to address the issue, and hope that it wakes the addict up to want to change.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> How about, instead, you do it NOW?
> 
> Go see your lawyer TODAY and tell him to do whatever it takes, whatever it costs - PI, proof, suing, defamation of character, whatever he can throw at the two of them - to ENSURE that your kids never get claimed as HER primary custody. Right now your ONLY mission is to ensure those kids don't have to live under the same roof as a woman in the middle of her 'midlife crisis' who's going to be trying on every man who will have her - and which men, as she ages, will become less and less decent men.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree. Acta non verba.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Hi everyone!

I decided to step away from the thread for a bit. While I appreciate the advice--and many of you made valid points--I was beginning to become lost in the anger and resentment resulting from the breakdown of my marriage. I took a few days to regroup and deliberate on the entire situation. While doing so, I went into lurker status on the 'Life after Divorce' forums just to see how people were dealing with the 'other side'.

I've come to accept some hard truths. First, and most importantly, is there was NOTHING I could have done to prevent W from betraying our marriage...it was her choice. Second, I cannot focus my energy on building a relationship with someone who will not see beyond their immediate, selfish wants. Third, life is not fair. By that, I mean that me working hard to be a good H does not necessarily mean W will do the same...that's just how it goes.

So where do I go from here? Well to be honest, I'm very optimistic about my future. Though the life W and I built together is done, there is much to celebrate in the past and future. I have great memories of our time together, which I will file away and reminisce upon occasionally. At the same time, I will also remember how she betrayed me and discarded our marriage when it was convenient. I will cherish that memory as a reminder that, sometimes, life sucks. You just have have to pick yourself up and move on. If ever I feel weak, I will simply recall the phone call in which I had the opportunity of hearing her getting drilled by the OM.

I'm looking forward to the divorce and the opportunity to remold my life as _*I*_ see fit. I'm still a young-ish guy (late 30s). I'm relatively good looking (at least I think so :grin2. I have a great career and awesome prospects for the future. I think I should be fine. :smthumbup:

As her return draws near, I know that reconciliation is not even a remote possibility--and that is my choice. I had an opportunity to witness my growth over these few short weeks during a recent conversation with W. She was planning an out-of-town excursion for her and the kids, and she invited me along. I politely, and without the slightest hint of hesitation, declined. That is significant progress for me. There was no anger, bitterness, nor animosity in my voice...I simply did not want to go.

Make no mistake, I am not claiming some miracle recovery. I fully expect to have awesome days and completely horrific days. However, I no longer fear starting over. It may be a little early, but I think I'm ready to transition to the 'LAD' forums. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond...I truly appreciate your candor and concern.

P.S. W seems to be backing off on the contentious divorce angle. She says she knows I will behave in a fair manner and intends to go along with whatever divorce settlement I propose. Nice...but I'll keep the lawyer on speed dial just in case.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I like the maturity of this post. 

Before you go off to LAD, though, stick to this thread as you go through your D. 

It isn't over yet. Not by a long shot.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> I like the maturity of this post.
> 
> Before you go off to LAD, though, stick to this thread as you go through your D.
> 
> It isn't over yet. Not by a long shot.


You're right, Ceegee. Much can happen in the next 60 days (such as W having another change of heart and deciding to make this process a hostile one).

I'll stick around until this movie ends.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I really can't imagine any other course for you. Basically, your wife ran over you with the bus then backed over you several more times. It shocks me how anyone can treat a loved one this way. Peoples true nature eventually surfaces I suppose.

Warning..........never turn your back to her!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Take care of your kids first and foremost. She has betrayed them too. Too be honest, I don't care what the reason is, a good mother wouldn't leave her kids for seven months no matter what.

Anyone that wants to give a different "progressive" opinion can just save your breath.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> I really can't imagine any other course for you. Basically, your wife ran over you with the bus then backed over you several more times. It shocks me how anyone can treat a loved one this way. Peoples true nature eventually surfaces I suppose.
> 
> Warning..........never turn your back to her!


I've seen her true face, and it sucks. My philosophy is, however, that the betrayal will hurt as long as she occupies emotional space in my life. As I rearrange my life and sanitize our relationship, I will be able to look back and, instead of focusing on the hurt, I can focus on how fortunate I was to be given a second chance with myself.



Chaparral said:


> Take care of your kids first and foremost. She has betrayed them too. *Too be honest, I don't care what the reason is, a good mother wouldn't leave her kids for seven months no matter what.
> *
> Anyone that wants to give a different "progressive" opinion can just save your breath.


I have to disagree with you here. There are many, many good mothers who have to leave their children. The most immediate example are mothers who are in the military. Other examples abound, such as law enforcement officers who must pull a tour of duty in remote locations; members of the diplomatic corps; and professionals who must complete an expatriate assignment.

I understand where you're coming from; but I think it's unfair to call any woman a bad mother simply because they must leave their family for a period of time.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude. You are doing fine. Got nothin for ya except I hope you do well.

Can we copy his brain and paste it into some of our doormat posters?


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

As a grad of this section of the forum, trust me when you get to LAD section life will be measurably different. 

Sometimes to come you'll feel like you'll be crawling through treacle. Your calendar will become your best friend and enemy as you count down the days and weeks towards certain parts of D.

And then one day, you'll get the freedom of the D. :grin2:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

unblinded said:


> I've seen her true face, and it sucks. My philosophy is, however, that the betrayal will hurt as long as she occupies emotional space in my life. As I rearrange my life and sanitize our relationship, I will be able to look back and, instead of focusing on the hurt, I can focus on how fortunate I was to be given a second chance with myself.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've been around for many decades. I've seen it all.........almost. Its fine in theory, its just another theory that doesn't work out. The Bible got it right when it listed the order of our priorities. We don't live to work. We work to live. Being around here awhile is just more evidence that long distance relationships are a disaster in waiting.

People have to make tough decisions and no one seriously thinks life is fair or unfair. It is what it is.:wink2:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you will be very happily divorced--you've got your head on straight and know you are "done."

Be sure to keep the kids out of it, 100%. If they say something negative about their mom, don't agree; just acknowledge their feelings, for example. Most people forgot that kids still love the other parent, even when they are angry at them and "seeing" them for the first time (realizing their parents are human). So it really hurts--in the long run--for any parent to participate in any form of running down the other. 

It can be a long haul--emotionally processing the divorce. I'd be a couple of years out (21+ years of marriage) and suddenly feel a burst of anger--letting it go gets easier and easier, though. But getting through the actual divorce process as smoothly as possible helps. I found that looking at every decision from a business perspective (balancing money, time, etc., as though we were dissolving a business partnership) really helped--the "he owes me b/c I was always the one who did x, y, z!!" perspective backfired. 

Enjoy the freedom you will feel (sooner or later) after the divorce. Enjoy being just yourself, and do not rush into any relationships. That seems to be the 2nd biggest mistake people make post divorce (hence the over-75% divorce rate for 2nd marriages!)

Best of luck!


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Ugh...I talked to the stbxw regarding something going on with one of our kids (and I'm pretty sure I interrupted her and the OM).

Anyway, she was nasty and I (foolishly) asked why she was angry with me when she was the one who screwed me over. Then I got angry. 

Bah...two steps forward and one back.

On the upside, I am no longer hiding her affair. I told my family and hers. I'm trying to track down the OM's family. I think I know who it is, but I am not 100% sure.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just call them and ask them if they have a son named X.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

So freaking pissed after dealing with the stbxw today. She went from being slightly reasonable a few days, to an unreasonable [email protected]$$ (my gut tells me the OM must have been away, but came back).

On the plus side, these morons posted a picture on W's FB page. Anyone who didn't know W wouldn't think much of it. But since her family knows W only allowed me or our kids in her 'close zone', they contacted me to question why W is snuggling with that strange man.

Though it's against every rule for dealing with divorce, I sent her a long email telling where she could go and what to do with the horse when she got there. It wont help in the long run, but screw it!

I'll be so glad when this is over.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wait. You haven't exposed her affair to her family yet?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> Wait. You haven't exposed her affair to her family yet?


Honestly, I didn't have much in the way of proof. While I heard them having sex during the phone call, I couldn't record it. And she's not in a place where I can send a P.I. (i.e., she's overseas). But yesterday I just decided to tell them (the family), anyway.

It angers me to see how much she still gets to me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Don't subject yourself to her galling hypocrisy, simply hang up on her when she starts the drama. Sooner or later, she'll realize that she can't push your buttons anymore.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I could be wrong but it sure seems like you feel like your done. If that is the case I honestly would have already started the divorce papers. I would push for custody of the kids. I think at this point in time with her gone you should have no issue with getting a temporary order in place. I personally wouldnt talk to her at all. I would use email. You can save it and print it for future use. If you ever get to a point you have to use something in court a email can be used as evidence. 

If you are planning on staying with her then I would push for marriage counseling. 

What real proof do you need for other people. If you know its the truth then honestly what more do you need. I threw away all the letters i found and emails I found along with her photos she had been sending other guys. She still denies she ever cheated on me. I personally just don't care anymore. I know who she is and what kind of a person she is. She will never mean anything less to me again other than a stranger and the mother of my kids. 

Clay


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

unblinded said:


> Honestly, I didn't have much in the way of proof. While I heard them having sex during the phone call, I couldn't record it. And she's not in a place where I can send a P.I. (i.e., she's overseas). But yesterday I just decided to tell them (the family), anyway.
> 
> It angers me to see how much she still gets to me.


Here's the deal.

Arrange a sit down with her parents and siblings. Just you and them.

Tell them about her affair, about what's been going on, about the OM. That she's admitted it, and you guys are divorcing.

And that you always cared for them (yadda yadda yadda) and that you hope it doesn't change your kids relationship with them, but things aren't going to be the same.

Don't blame her or freak out, just lay out the facts. And that you are now focusing on your life as a single parent.

That way, you look like the good straight up guy that you are, a class act, and whatever story she paints to them about how you're the devil is BS.

It may help in post-D dealings with in-laws which will likely happen, given that you're wife is an absentee parent and boning at least one other guy.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

unblinded said:


> I sent *her a long email* telling where she could go and what to do with the horse when she got there. It wont help in the long run, but screw it!


I understand how good it may have felt and how angry you are right now.

Sorry, I'm going to be blunt.

You just gave her evidence, don't EVER do this again. You are a man, trying to get custody and it is an uphill battle by itself. Do not give her any ammunition to hurt you or the case. 

You are going to make mistakes, many have before you, chalk this up as one and learn from it. Remember, you are now playing the long game so, be smart and not emotional to or around her.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

OK, the good news is you are much better grounded than most. That's good.

The bad news is you and your wife haven't yet started talking about The Money. If you think your stbxw is nasty now, buckle up because it's going to be ugly. 

You need to get with a lawyer now and get it together. You also should be documenting everything relating to the children, especially the lack of involvement from her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Man I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is heartbreaking. But you are surrounded by people who have been through this. We understand the pain and hurt you are feeling. 

Your WW is running from her guilt. She can't face what she did to you so the only way she cope is to lash out and go the opposite direction of remorse by being nasty. It is sad, and she is about to alienate everyone who ever gave a sh!t about her, especially her daughters.

The only unchangeable truth about life is... people change.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

In some jurisdictions, 13 year olds wishes as to which parent they would like to live with, are taken into consideration when deciding child custody. Consult with your attorney.

On that note I would add the following. Talk with your kids about what their wishes are as far as custody. Not to pressure them into deciding with which parent they want to live with but so they can start thinking about their future and what they want from it. State to them that custody should never be about the parents well being but about the kids well being.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You're getting a lot of advice here. From some seriously experience people who are only here to help. I have absolutely no doubt about it. 

Think about what you want. 

Do you want your kids with you?

That comes with an expense. 

Do you want to protect your financial means to do so?

Don't hold back. 

What is your wish list?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

unblinded said:


> Honestly, I didn't have much in the way of proof. While I heard them having sex during the phone call, I couldn't record it. And she's not in a place where I can send a P.I. (i.e., she's overseas). But yesterday I just decided to tell them (the family), anyway.
> 
> It angers me to see how much she still gets to me.


#1 stop looking at her FB

#2 send her a email and set up a time when she can talk about the kids....or text her.
It sucks to have to play it this way but at least you gave her a chance to get her shyt together and not act like a b1tsh. This should be a SOP for both of you from now on...that way when you are banging the kids new step mom your ex's phone call won't interrupt....a 911 would be the exception, but generally speaking your old lady and her betrayal has brought it to this kind of crap when co parenting.

From were I'm sitting...she is lucky you include her at all when it comes to the kids....especially after the shyt you had to deal with the last time you spoke on the phone!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

While it's very tempting to give into anger (I've been there) -- and feels good at the time -- don't do it. It isn't beneficial. Be cold -- not hot. The next time you are tempted to fire off another heated email, delete it instead. You get it out of your system by writing it but there's no blowback from sending it. She couldn't care less what you have to say and it won't help -- so don't give her ammunition. 

Cold. Not hot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I understand how good it may have felt and how angry you are right now.
> 
> Sorry, I'm going to be blunt.
> 
> ...


OTOH, she may have emailed something back that could be used against her too.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> OTOH, she may have emailed something back that could be used against her too.


Sorry we will have to disagree. If he is in America, this rarely matters.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unblinded said:


> Honestly, I didn't have much in the way of proof. While I heard them having sex during the phone call, I couldn't record it. And she's not in a place where I can send a P.I. (i.e., she's overseas). But yesterday I just decided to tell them (the family), anyway.
> 
> It angers me to see how much she still gets to me.


Good grief. "I heard your daughter/sister/niece/cousin having sex when she accidentally dialed my number. And I wasn't in the room with her. You may want to come collect her before I throw her out on the street."


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would put her stuff in a storage locker and send her the bill.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

It's been a while since I've given an update, so here's the skinny...

Things have settled down between the W and I. She's become much more cooperative with the D, and the confrontation is kept to a minimum (in fact, we haven't uttered a word in anger at each other for weeks). This is a significant accomplishment because our conversations have included queries about how the other is holding up (neither one of us is holding up well, for the record). Even though my story is infuriating, I can't seem to turn off the 'care' button for her; nor her for me.

The emotions, however, suck big time. Anger at what happened. Sadness about the dreams that were snuffed out. Hope for the future. Back to sadness about the future without her. Then anger again...and the wheel spins on. A few times I caught myself asking if this is really what I wanted. I fell in love with my wife the moment I met her 20+ years ago and--unfortunately for me--that love has never faded. Throughout our marriage, every time she walked into a room I was hit with the same 'bolt' that initially struck me all those years ago. Getting over her will be a long, painful journey for me. Alas, I don't have a choice. While I could (probably) forgive her, I know I could never forgive myself for accepting what she did to me.

The paperwork will be filed within the next couple of weeks, and we should be done by late summer. No fighting. No one-upping. Just a D. I'll keep the thread updated as the process unfolds. One thing is for sure...this is going to suck.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm so sorry, unblinded. If it helps any, I'm right there with you. STBXH's attorney filed our paperwork this past Tuesday. We'll be done by the end of the summer, too. After 25 years. He continues to show little to no remorse about what he's done, and is continuing to do by still seeing her. The only time he shows any sadness is when he realizes that all our mutual friends think he is a POS, which he is forced to realize every so often lately.

Yes, it's going to suck for both of us. But we'll get through it, just like we've gotten through everything that's come before it these last few months. Hang in there, buddy. I'll be hanging in there right with you.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm so sorry, unblinded. If it helps any, I'm right there with you. STBXH's attorney filed our paperwork this past Tuesday. We'll be done by the end of the summer, too. After 25 years. He continues to show little to no remorse about what he's done, and is continuing to do by still seeing her. The only time he shows any sadness is when he realizes that all our mutual friends think he is a POS, which he is forced to realize every so often lately.
> 
> Yes, it's going to suck for both of us. But we'll get through it, just like we've gotten through everything that's come before it these last few months. Hang in there, buddy. I'll be hanging in there right with you.


One thing that helps me is accepting that I will still become emotional from time to time. Early on, if I was in a good mood and began to think about her, I'd try to fight the sadness. The harder I fought, the more severe the sadness would be...and the longer it hung around. If I just go through it, and set a time limit, the transitions are smoother.

In your situation, I'd like to shake your husband and scream at him to wake up and realize how his actions are impacting everyone around him; how his behavior is dishonoring the woman he promised to love and protect. Then I remember that I'm no angel. So, instead, I will keep you both in my thoughts.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Unblinded, 

I am sorry you are going through this, may I ask how the children view this and whether they have seen this as a mistake on her part? Also is the OM still in the picture?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

unblinded said:


> One thing that helps me is accepting that I will still become emotional from time to time. Early on, if I was in a good mood and began to think about her, I'd try to fight the sadness. The harder I fought, the more severe the sadness would be...and the longer it hung around. If I just go through it, and set a time limit, the transitions are smoother.



This is good. 

The sadness is a legitimate part of you. 

Accept it. 

Feel it. 

Move on.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Xenote said:


> Unblinded,
> 
> I am sorry you are going through this, may I ask how the children view this and whether they have seen this as a mistake on her part? Also is the OM still in the picture?


I think the OM was a situational thing. Something that happened while she was out of town. The change in her attitude tells me he is probably not in the picture (as much, anyway), and likely won't develop into a LTR. That shouldn't be interpreted as me trying to down play what happened...cheating is cheating.

The kids are disappointed in her. She knows it and avoids talking with them as a result. While I know it's her responsibility to rebuild the relationship with our kids, I'm concerned that their reconciliation may be hampered. Call me old fashioned, or a fool if you want, but I want my kids and to have strong bonds with both parents, regardless of whether we are married or not. 

For myself, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about everything (including the stbxw). Divorce happens, and it can't always be _that couple down the street_. Our marriage is toast, but I do not want to harbor ill-will towards her. You only get one go at this life...why waste it on anger?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

This story breaks my heart with every new poster that comes here with it. I'm sorry for you and your kids UB. Glad you're taking the high road. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be a simmering cauldron of anger and resentment in a situation like yours, but I totally would.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> This story breaks my heart with every new poster that comes here with it. I'm sorry for you and your kids UB. Glad you're taking the high road. I'd like to think that I wouldn't be a simmering cauldron of anger and resentment in a situation like yours, but I totally would.


I can't lie...I have been that cauldron of anger. What I've found--and this took a loooooong time for me to realize--is the angrier I am about the situation, the sadder I am about the situation. It's a horrible cycle and I want nothing to do with it.

Conversely, if I keep things in perspective (i.e., my life isn't over, only the marriage), I can try to frame things positively. Additionally, I've noticed that the more cordial dealings are between stbxw any myself, the less stress I have about the whole situation. The divorce will be rough enough, but we've been working at making it as amicable as possible.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

unblinded said:


> I think the OM was a situational thing. Something that happened while she was out of town. The change in her attitude tells me he is probably not in the picture (as much, anyway), and likely won't develop into a LTR. That shouldn't be interpreted as me trying to down play what happened...cheating is cheating.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You are neither old fashioned nor a fool. 

You care about your kids. 

Nothing wrong with that. 

It is simply not your job nor is it your responsibility. 

You let that play out. 

What you can do is ask your kids how they feel about things. Validate their feelings. 

Let them know you're on their side and that you are aware of what they are going through. 

This is only about you and them now. There is no you and "Mom".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Be prepared for your wife to start making lukewarm overtures toward reconciliation, especially as her relationship w/ OM wanes and the filing date gets closer and closer.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Be prepared for your wife to start making lukewarm overtures toward reconciliation, especially as her relationship w/ OM wanes and the filing date gets closer and closer.



Unless it's an exit affair.

Eta: F' her. Who cares what she does. Do what's best for you and your kids. 

Kids suffer so much from this sh!t. I'm just tired of seeing it.


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## IDon'tKnowAnymore (Jul 6, 2015)

I am so sorry that you had to go through such a painful, horrible ordeal. The shock of finding out what a deceitful woman she is must have been devastating. 
She will eventually get what she deserves.
And I hope that in time your heart will heal and you will find peace and love again.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I still think while she is away your not really going to see any serious change in her. Once she comes home and she is around you and the kids its all going to seriously kick in. She could very well be done with the marriage but I would bet you will see a change. I think you should do your best to get the divorce on the way before she gets home. 

The last think you need is a long drawn out fight. 

I know its hard but you know seriously have to take care of you and your kids. They will see your resolve and build a great deal of respect for you for it. 

It will also teach them they shouldn't put up with it either even if it was someone that close to them. 

Clay


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

Thanks everyone. The more I interact with my kids, the more I see how strong they are. 

The process will be underway prior to her return, and I think we are both anxious to move out of this phase (limbo). The thing that grinds my gears is that I, even though I know what the logical course of action is, my emotions keep trying to cloud the issue. I'm terrified that she will suggest R and I will be dumb enough to go for it, so I have to get moving quickly. 

To be honest, I've looked at resources about overcoming infidelity. Not because I want to R...I just want get angry and yell at the computer "how can you give her another chance!!!" It helps remind me of my own situation. issed: For the record, my stbxw and I used to have conversations about infidelity. She thought it was the worst thing ever, while I used to joke "hey, mammals don't do monogamy." That joke isn't as funny these days...

With regard to the stbxw; she and I will have to deal with each other until the last kiddo moves out, so I want to have a decent relationship with her. Not because I want her back or I'm trying to nice my way into her life...that's just my personality. I'm a people person! (Not a people pleaser...there are people lined up around the block who can attest to that!)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you brought up that conversation you used to have with her since this happened?


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you brought up that conversation you used to have with her since this happened?


I have. She is adamant that I did not hear her having sex, that I was the only man she loved, and that she wanted to grow old and senile with me. She said accept what she was telling me or the marriage was over.

I couldn't dismiss what I know happened, so here we are.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

unblinded said:


> I'm terrified that she will suggest R and I will be dumb enough to go for it, so I have to get moving quickly.


She wants you to rug sweep and that is the road to a terrible false reconciliation. When or if you feel this way, remember this comment:




unblinded said:


> She said *accept what she was telling me or the marriage was over.
> *




Threats and intimidation do not help build a strong marriage, they destroy them.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

unblinded said:


> I have. She is adamant that I did not hear her having sex, that I was the only man she loved, and that she wanted to grow old and senile with me. She said accept what she was telling me or the marriage was over.
> 
> I couldn't dismiss what I know happened, so here we are.


Yeah you can never un-hear what you heard or un-ring the bell of her infidelity.

You are not the first betrayed spouse who has come here having heard the sound of their partner having sex with another man.

I am so sorry.

I would tell her "you obviously do not care what hearing that did to me so why would I want to stay married to you."

I really wish you well, you will get through this, your strength will not fail you even if you feel weak at times.

Take care


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unblinded said:


> The process will be underway prior to her return, and I think we are both anxious to move out of this phase (limbo). The thing that grinds my gears is that I, even though I know what the logical course of action is, my emotions keep trying to cloud the issue. *I'm terrified that she will suggest R and I will be dumb enough to go for it*, so I have to get moving quickly.





unblinded said:


> I have. She is adamant that I did not hear her having sex...


But if she didn't cheat, then what's there to reconcile?

LOLOLOLOL



unblinded said:


> ...that I was the only man she loved...


Eh... maybe. But she's clearly bedded another.

Hell, maybe other*S*.



unblinded said:


> ...and that she wanted to grow old and senile with me. She said accept what she was telling me or the marriage was over.


And yet, even w/ an impending divorce looming overhead, she's not exactly fighting for you or the marriage.



unblinded said:


> *I couldn't dismiss what I know happened*, so here we are.


Nor should you.


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