# Ladies - A question of masturbation pls.



## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Can you gals pls help me to understand something. 
I heard a wise person once say how can one be a good confident lover if your not confident touching yourself.

Masturbation surely helps you learn how you like to be touched and make you a more confident person sexually, please correct me if I'm wrong... I know for men too much is not a good thing but I have no idea regarding women and this topic.

We only have two hands so during making love usually my hands are all over my wife but they can't be everywhere all of the time... it would be helpful and very arousing if sometimes my wife would touch herself during lovemaking... kind of like teamwork right..

Anyway, I'm wondering if the majority of women do it or is it still a taboo thing to do.. surely not? Did you hide it from your partners or anything like that at first...
My wife, a beautiful woman who enjoys making love very much whilst we're doing it... but she has never been into masturbating herself... we spoke about in years ago and she said that as a teen she would sometimes, but with a cushion/pillow between her legs where she would squeeze her thighs together in a form of masturbation... I think I know enough to know that this isn't the regular way for women... again pls correct me if I'm wrong.

But that was a few years before we met and she has never masturbated since we met. I'm a calm understanding guy and approached the subject in a nice way you understand... and we're with eachother almost 100% of the day so there's no way that she would be doing it behind my back, anyway she knows that I would very much like her to masturbate, but sadly she thinks that touching herself is an unattractive thing and it doesn't turn her on. Of course she likes me doing it to her and she knows that I do it to myself, which she doesn't really like.

I feel perhaps wrongly that if she were comfortable and confident with herself to masturbate then she would become more of a confident lover... I'm always the predator and she my prey if you catch my drift.. which I can do well I like to think.. but I would also like to be that prey sometimes you know.. 

Any pointers or advice would be appreciated.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

If it doesn't do anything for her then there really isn't much you can say or do to convince her otherwise. 

Maybe she doesn't want to be a more confident lover? Maybe she likes the current dynamic bc that's what makes her feel feminine and sexy? 

Not being the aggressor doesn't mean she isn't confident,it just means she is more turned on by letting you be the aggressor. 

As far as masturbation habits,some women masturbate and still don't want to be the dominant one.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Thanks for your reply Scarlet.. it's looking kind of lonely up there though... any more ladies care to add?

Scarlet you could be right... it's hard to know with my wife you see, she has a fierce temper which is thankfully under controil most of the time, but I perhaps wrongly assumed that a woman with such a temper would like to take control sometimes... I'd be happy to let her take the reigns sometimes..
After so many years together she's only just getting comfortable slapping my arse (cause it's hers right!) and grabbing my **** when we're having a romantic kiss...
When she grabs me or slaps me I like it because I want her to feel like I'm her property... just like I feel when I am that way with her.

I've only ever been hers which I think outside of the religious community (which there is none in the UK) is a pretty rare thing... However I'm pretty sure that she has problems with her sexual confidence maybe due to her encounters before me... I don't know..

How many of you woman actually pursue your partners for sex (or love making however you want to call it)... It hasn't happened to me for 16 years since day one..

I just thought that if she was comfortable enough with herself to masturbate then it would help her want to feel sex and have sex and desire sex..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I pretty much follow dh's lead in regard to sex. I am responsive, but generally expect him to guide us. The thought of being with a man who wants me to take the lead is just not appealing at all. 

That is just me, though. There are plenty of women who feel comfortable with it, it seems. Some really seem to like it.

Just be honest and open with her about your feelings, OP. Let her know your hopes and desires and even expectations. Transparency.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I have responsive desire so masturbation is not something I feel the need for. I can do it but it feels completely empty and useless. It's also a little like trying to tickle yourself. 

I'm with jld, I usually follow H's lead. He's the one with a much higher drive so he usually initiates. I used to initiate, but having responsive desire always made this awkward.

During sex my hands are always on H, his hands are on me. I've never had the need to touch myself during sex and H has never suggested it. He likes it when I keep my hands busy with him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This reminds me of my ex actually. He used to pressure me to "touch myself" during PIV. It was so freaking annoying and I should have spoken up but never did for fear of causing him to have ego issues. 

it was like,no man,YOU touch me.YOU make me O. If I have to touch myself and make myself O then I may as well kick you out completely and use a vibrator.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

jld said:


> I pretty much follow dh's lead in regard to sex. I am responsive, but generally expect him to guide us. The thought of being with a man who wants me to take the lead is just not appealing at all.
> 
> That is just me, though. There are plenty of women who feel comfortable with it, it seems. Some really seem to like it.
> 
> Just be honest and open with her about your feelings, OP. Let her know your hopes and desires and even expectations. Transparency.


Thanks for your feedback jld.... I don't want my wife to initiate very often no no no.... I'm still THE man etc etc and she likes that im the dominate guy but just every now and then would be nice.. 
I am honest and open.. perhaps like I said earlier with the butt slapping etc, she is starting to come out of her shell a little but it's taking years..


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> I have responsive desire so masturbation is not something I feel the need for. I can do it but it feels completely empty and useless. It's also a little like trying to tickle yourself.
> 
> I'm with jld, I usually follow H's lead. He's the one with a much higher drive so he usually initiates. I used to initiate, but having responsive desire always made this awkward.
> 
> During sex my hands are always on H, his hands are on me. I've never had the need to touch myself during sex and H has never suggested it. He likes it when I keep my hands busy with him.


I had to google responsive desire.. little or no spontaneous desire especially in long term relationships it says..... doesn't sound like a good thing.. ok I accept that when people get older this can happen and people of older age probably don't want to go chasing eachother around the table... but I'm still pretty young at 36 so hopefully we're not in this responsive desire zone yet..

I think that she thinks like you perhaps regarding masturbation.

Haha I like what you said about him wanting you to keep your hands busy on him.. that's a good thing, but her's usually aren't busy on me.... well perhaps a little bit


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm still a little new to all these terms, like responsive desire. I think that would describe me. I am pretty much always wet for him, but I am not aggressive sexually. 

It does not mean I do not invite his attention, though. But it is more of an invitation, an openness, than initiation. I just like to be close to him, and that usually ends up leading to sex.

I don't protect his feelings, either. Whatever I feel, I say. I expect him to be able to handle it. I am just not going to protect any ego. If there is an issue, better to bring it up and resolve it, I think.

And he knows when I am not happy, anyway. I don't exactly hide it.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This reminds me of my ex actually. He used to pressure me to "touch myself" during PIV. It was so freaking annoying and I should have spoken up but never did for fear of causing him to have ego issues.
> 
> it was like,no man,YOU touch me.YOU make me O. If I have to touch myself and make myself O then I may as well kick you out completely and use a vibrator.


:rofl: haha well I've never put pressure on her to touch herself and remember only once asking her to I think.. like I said I only have 2 hands... if they're doing the roundabout of vagina to hips to arse to legs back to vagina then her back then breasts, touching her face next, probably onto hair, back to breasts an working back down the body.... isn't easy to do all that I want to with two hands... they pretty busy already. Believe me I'm more than willing.... it would just be arousing to see her touching herself a little.. it's not like I want her to do all the work for me, I enjoy it too much. She would NEVER use a vibrator... not that I'd mind though... she wouldn't like it.

So I guess none of the women that have replied so far actually do masturbate!!?? it's no problem... if you can think of other ways to help me help her come out of her sexual shell a little I'd appreciate it... perhaps I should try a psychology forum instead?

:scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

+Charlie+ said:


> So I guess none of the women that have replied so far actually do masturbate!!?? it's no problem... if you can think of other ways to help me help her come out of her sexual shell a little I'd appreciate it... perhaps I should try a psychology forum instead?
> 
> :scratchhead:


lol I masturbate all the time actually when DH isn't home,obviously if he's there I choose to have him rather than please myself. It just isn't the same doing it yourself and I don't get nearly as much out of it. 

Bottom line is you can't help her come out of her shell unless she WANTS to come out of her shell. Pushing her might cause her to regress further into the shell unless she's ready to expand her sexual horizons.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

ok jld I get where your coming from... if your wet for him most of the time then that's a really good thing... I think my wife could be a little like you... very occasionally she will want some rumpy pumpy, then she will wear something a bit too skimpy at home or push herself against me in a certain way... she knows that these things will get my blood boiling and yes it works... I guess that is her initiating but it's far too rare.. like a couple of times a year maybe.. I just think that she is turned off sex most of the time... like it's a thing that sex crazed dirty men are always interested in...

I don't think anything that I have done makes her think this way.. it's possibly what she experienced prior to meeting me. I know she was played around alot with mostly older guys as a teen a she used to drink alot before meeting me... bad relationship with her father etc etc. it's a common thing I think nowadays in certain places.
She's from the poor suburbs of Brazil so it's kind of regular for pretty girls down there... the men are like dogs mostly.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> lol I masturbate all the time actually when DH isn't home,obviously if he's there I choose to have him rather than please myself. It just isn't the same doing it yourself and I don't get nearly as much out of it.


And good for you Scarlet..:smthumbup:.. but that's my point exactly, you have some sexual urge so you pleasure yourself... yes that's fine and good that you prefer your hubby to do it.. but you had the original sexual urge and masturbated... I was just guessing that women who masturbate probably have more sexual urges compared to women that do not masturbate... ...maybe :scratchhead:

I think that's the same with men.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

well,H says he doesn't masturbate and he has a responsive desire so maybe there's a connection. He masturbated when he was single but says he doesn't need to anymore.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

+Charlie+ said:


> I don't think anything that I have done makes her think this way.. it's possibly what she experienced prior to meeting me. *I know she was played around alot with mostly older guys as a teen a she used to drink alot before meeting me... bad relationship with her father etc etc. it's a common thing I think nowadays in certain places.
> She's from the poor suburbs of Brazil so it's kind of regular for pretty girls down there... the men are like dogs mostly.*


Yes, this very likely has a LOT to do with how she views sex, and her beliefs on how men view sex. If she was played a lot, then she probably sees sex as something men want to TAKE from her, GET from her, do TO her, and USE her for. 

She may not see sex as an opportunity for mutual pleasure, something she can master for herself and her own enjoyment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

+Charlie+ said:


> We only have two hands so during making love usually my hands are all over my wife but they can't be everywhere all of the time... it would be helpful and very arousing if sometimes my wife would touch herself during lovemaking... kind of like teamwork right..





> Anyway, I'm wondering if the majority of women do it or is it still a taboo thing to do.. surely not? Did you hide it from your partners or anything like that at first...


 Ok.. I haven't read any of these responses so if this is covered, ignore me.. but the question is.. if your hands are all over her...and IF she orgasms , why does she need to touch herself?? 

I have never needed to touch myself to orgasm, his touch / his rod has always been enough to get me there...

The Next question is.. I am assuming your drive is HIGHER than hers and you give her PLENTY of Lovin' and







..my guess is... she has little "Oommph" left to get herself off....on the other hand, if she was starving (like before you & she met and got the pillow out on occasion - I too have used pillows by the way) ...then that desire would come alive after so much time. 

I have masturbated since probably age 11...after so many days I was antsy for that release...feeling something brush up against me in bed.. it was on... almost like a guy...(though back then..I did feel ashamed of this...too much religious teachings or something... I felt it was dirty, though it felt too good to stop, I mean, who is going to know- had boy fantasies and all)... 

It's been a consistent throughout my entire life.. if me and Husband is having X amount of days of sex a week (like 5 for instance)... even if I thought of doing a masturbation session.. I don't think I could get off...because I am fulfilled...feeling good down below.. content... and if I even tried to work that up...wasted that on myself.. I wouldn't feel as "passionate, or lustful" when he came to me... I'd rather reserve my Passion for him, it's more intense this way...

Actually that happened to us in the past a # of times where I wanted it in the middle of the night, and didn't wake him up thinking he needs his sleep, took care of myself...

Then am came, he reached for me, and I just wasn't in the mood... I never told him (back then) ...again, kind of ashamed...But I felt so bad and wanted to hit myself over the head ...this did steal my passion for my husband...(regrets!).....and I wish I never did that.. 

Now we save every orgasm for each other.. here I learned HE always did.. (he was shocked that I was secretly masturbating)...


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

+Charlie+ said:


> I had to google responsive desire.. little or no spontaneous desire especially in long term relationships it says..... doesn't sound like a good thing.. ok I accept that when people get older this can happen and people of older age probably don't want to go chasing eachother around the table... but I'm still pretty young at 36 so hopefully we're not in this responsive desire zone yet..
> 
> I think that she thinks like you perhaps regarding masturbation.
> 
> Haha I like what you said about him wanting you to keep your hands busy on him.. that's a good thing, but her's usually aren't busy on me.... well perhaps a little bit



Nothing to do with age, I've always had responsive desire. Caused a lot of struggle early on. Now that we understand it we have learned how to work it. I can be aggressive after I get warmed up, it's just really awkward and unnatural if I try to fake it before I'm aroused.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Hello SimplyAmorous and thanks for your input..

We've moved on a bit from the wanking but I appreciated your story nonetheless.... I'm probably more like you on the masturbation side and do it far far less compared to earlier years.. being a man and perhaps many of us are the same, refraining from wanking for a few days helps build the passion and the pressure in preparation for a great lovemaking session..

However I was perhaps wrongly but I don't think so, assuming that women who feel the urge to masturbate more regularly despite them doing so or not, are more confident, lustful, perhaps even predatory when it comes to love making... you said yourself kind of like a man usually does. I like that.

I've considered for a while now that my wifes problem may be more psychological.. sadly. But I'll always be here to help where I can.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> Nothing to do with age, I've always had responsive desire. Caused a lot of struggle early on. Now that we understand it we have learned how to work it. I can be aggressive after I get warmed up, it's just really awkward and unnatural if I try to fake it before I'm aroused.



True.. the explanation referred to people in LTRs more, but didn't stipulate how many years.. so I assumed older people.

Yes she can get a little aggressive also which I like.. not calling me a ***** and punching me in the face or anything like that though.. 

I think sometimes it would be nice to be a girl and be lusted after... haha don't twist those words around on me yall.. .. yes of course most women/girls probably get too much of it depending on which country they're in.. it can't be nice but you see where I'm coming from..
I've only encountered one woman that when she first saw me she looked at me like a guy would to a girl if he wanted her... damn I liked it.. :lol: :lol: ... and that was my wifes friend.. eeekk... I'll have to dodge that one.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I masturbate regularly and have since I was 15 or so. 

I do use my hand on myself when I'm with someone else, especially during piv because most guys I have been with have difficulty using their hand on my clitoris in the "right" way while they are thrusting. There have also been times when he has "finished" and I'm not so I finish myself with some small assistance from him  I think the first time I do this with a guy I'm a little nervous that he will think I'm weird or lose interest after he's finished and get impatient with me, but I haven't ever found that. Nor have I found guys getting offended that I'm not relying on him entirely. Most guys think its hot.

In the beginning of my marriage I did initiate sex but over time realized my stbxh didn't like me initiating and so quit. I wouldn't have a problem initiating in a new relationship as long as the guy was generally responsive.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This reminds me of my ex actually. He used to pressure me to "touch myself" during PIV. It was so freaking annoying and I should have spoken up but never did for fear of causing him to have ego issues.
> 
> it was like,no man,YOU touch me.YOU make me O. If I have to touch myself and make myself O then I may as well kick you out completely and use a vibrator.
> 
> ......lol I masturbate all the time actually when DH isn't home,obviously if he's there I choose to have him rather than please myself. It just isn't the same doing it yourself and I don't get nearly as much out of it.


:iagree:

Same Here. I don't really like touching myself during sex. I have no problems masturbating alone, but if he is there why on earth would I want to touch myself instead of him touching me. 

:scratchhead:

He asks from time to time, and I don't like it. Maybe I'm just shy.... But I'd much rather have my hands on him, and his hands on me.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

I masturbate on occasion, but never touch myself during sex. I feel like that's US time, not ME time, lol. So I touch him and he touches me. 
The only times I can think of doing it are because he's finished first, but that's very rare and not something I really enjoy doing.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I enjoy touching myself during sex only when it happens spontaneously. It turns out we both enjoy it a lot more that way too. I don't like feeling put on the spot to throw on a live-porn performance... that's too much pressure and I don't really like that. It makes me go into my head, it's much less authentic and I have a hard time achieving orgasm that way... it's a little hypocritical though because I have no problems watching him touch himself and earlier in our relationship, he never did and I really wanted to be the voyeur. 

Like, (I think it's fair to say) MOST women, I enjoy a more dominant, aggressive man in bed. That's not to say that I don't initiate or say what I want though... I think we balance both okay. Sometimes I'm more subtle... sort of as if I'm inviting him to initiate with me. Other times, I pin him against the wall, kiss him while reaching for his pants or just show up in the bedroom wearing heels and lingerie. He seems to get the hint just fine no matter how I initiate and how I do so depends on the mood I'm in. During sex too, I will ask for what I want - usually it's one of the more submissive positions...although I rarely have to ask. 

As for going solo, I do that too. He works weird hours and so if the mood strikes and the kids are sleeping, I'll take care of things myself. I really don't think that kills my drive outside of the bedroom though. Sex and masturbation are not the same and I'd take sex over masturbation any day of the week. If anything, it has the opposite effect. The more sex and orgasms I have, the more I tend to want.

I think it's only a problem for women if they're using a vibe every time and on the highest setting. For men, if they start using the "death grip" to jerk it... both can lead to de-sensitivity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

+Charlie+ said:


> Thanks for your feedback jld.... I don't want my wife to initiate very often no no no.... I'm still THE man etc etc and she likes that im the dominate guy but just every now and then would be nice..
> I am honest and open.. perhaps like I said earlier with the butt slapping etc, she is starting to come out of her shell a little but it's taking years..


Have you ever told your wife this?


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Have you ever told your wife this?


Firstly girls/ladies thanks for your valuable input... some interesting replys tonight.... lol throw him against the wall!! lucky guy :smthumbup: ..

EleGirl yes I have.... we've been together many years and she has always known that i'd like her to just sometimes initiate... maybe surprise me with some lingerie... or just say that she'd fancy this or that next time.. basically to show a little interest in me wanting to please her sexually.. she never really seems interested, sure once we warm up a little she's excited but I'm the only one ever in control.... 
yes I like and want to be in control, she's my woman haha but it would be nice for her to show interest and be a little dominant over her man... 
I know that she has had alot of sexual partners (imo) so you'd think that it may go hand in hand her knowing how to be dominant... maybe because she never has been that way with a guy, perhaps she never learnt how to be playfully dominant :scratchhead: 

From what I know about Brazilian guys (actually many say they're similar to American guys) it would not be common that they would want their partner/ons to be dominant with them.... they're not confident enough to let their partner assume control even temporarily... they're too macho.. :rofl:


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

Hahaha I have only heard of this "Death Grip" since reading this site... couldn't they have come up with a better name??!!

Not a problem for me.. I refrain from masturbating most of the time so I will have a good amount of arousal and pressure built up for love making... and drink quite a lot of water.. I don't drink alcohol and am reasonably fit ish.. haha. I am however circumcised which I have read can and can not be a good thing.. she likes it.

I have been saying for years we can do date nights to increase the passion.. I give great massages, am a good cook and will pamper her before having a very tastey love making session... she agrees but when it comes closer to the night and I'm preparing.. it's like she's not really interested... because it's sex.

We don't have any kids to "work around" and love spending most of our time together.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As a man, I greatly prefer to want to take ownership for my lady's O! Just as I prefer for her to take ownership of mine ~ with no deviations!

Now if she's all alone and needs personal release, then she's pretty much on her own as far as touching and entertaining herself and I'd greatly think that she would know how to satisfy herself ; greatly provided, of course, that some third party guy or girl isn't the one doing the touching for her!*


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If my husband were to request that I masturbate (with or without him), it would be a HUGE turnoff. Whether one masturbates or not has no bearing on whether they initiate or are reactive, sexually. I initiate about half the time, sometimes even more than that. And, yet, when we get started, HE takes charge. Neither of us masturbates, and we enjoy sex as much as those who say they do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

+Charlie+ said:


> However I was perhaps wrongly but I don't think so,* assuming that women who feel the urge to masturbate more regularly despite them doing so or not, are more confident, lustful, perhaps even predatory when it comes to love making... you said yourself kind of like a man usually does. I like that.*


 Higher drive... more lustful. I surely think so... the confidence thing... I guess that depends... I think it just means when you get with your man, since you know how to get off.. you can more easily move him or position yourself on him to make that happen and/ or communication what you need to get there...instead of just lying there expecting him to do it all .. when a woman knows what an orgasm feels like..she wants them on a regular basis !...



> *I've considered for a while now that my wifes problem may be more psychological.. sadly. But I'll always be here to help where I can*.


 Well speaking from one who was sexually repressed in some ways for many years.. this never kept me from masturbating ...I had silly hangups about him seeing me totally naked, wanted the lights out....felt oral was dirty... But I overcame ALL OF THAT... it's like a cage door swung open and suddenly I wanted to experience EVERYTHING we were missing over the years.. .. though to this day I still have no desire to touch myself -if he is there to do it for me.. that just isn't as fun (like some of the other ladies have said here)... so not so sure even if she did BECOME an aggressive sexual Diva.. if this would suddenly mean she's willing & ready to masturbate in front of you.. sure she'll do it.. if you want.. but it may never be her preference....in comparison to your touching her... 



+Charlie+ said:


> Firstly girls/ladies thanks for your valuable input... some interesting replys tonight.... lol throw him against the wall!! lucky guy :smthumbup: ..
> 
> EleGirl yes I have.... *we've been together many years and she has always known that i'd like her to just sometimes initiate... maybe surprise me with some lingerie... or just say that she'd fancy this or that next time.. basically to show a little interest in me wanting to please her sexually.. she never really seems interested, sure once we warm up a little she's excited but I'm the only one ever in control....
> yes I like and want to be in control, she's my woman haha but it would be nice for her to show interest and be a little dominant over her man... *


 Oh a very common issue in the bedroom.. the Husband wants to feel HOTLY desired...you yearn to feel some "selfishness" from your lover... this thought excites you...that she wants to TAKE YOU....I totally understand where you are coming from... this is a different thing over just getting her to masturbate, this is about a FREEDOM and LUST in the sexual -expressing it with Enthusiasm.. how to tap into this with her...and get her to take the Lead...

What is her personality/ temperament like outside of the bedroom ?? Is she more Passive easily submitting to you, allowing you to be in control, the final say....or does she show a "take charge" disposition.. she speaks up for herself, wants her own... which ever personality is more dominate for her..I am going to say....this will flow over into the bedroom... have you ever looked into the differing temperaments.. it's eye opening...

Getting side tracked here but I think it's often related >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html

There is always getting into some ROLE PLAY to help encourage each other to step it up a bit in this area or another ..if she is game.. 

In my next post I will do an outline on *Libido types *and *Lover styles*..just to help you gauge what you both are... ... I was wanting more EROTIC out of my Husband for a time (still do on occasion) but after reading that book... It helped me understand HIM better... and to rest in our dynamics..



> I know that she has had alot of sexual partners (imo) so you'd think that it may go hand in hand her knowing how to be dominant... maybe because she never has been that way with a guy, perhaps she never learnt how to be playfully dominant :scratchhead:
> 
> *From what I know about Brazilian guys (actually many say they're similar to American guys) it would not be common that they would want their partner/ons to be dominant with them*.... they're not confident enough to let their partner assume control even temporarily... they're too macho.. :rofl:


 Well there you go... if this has been her mindset... that the MAN is the initiator, the pursuer of sex, taking her.. she knows her role.. though again.. if she has a more dominate personality outside of the bedroom....you will have more to work with.. if she can gain some education & is willing to go there...delving deeper into pleasing her man...this will help! Keep the communication strong and connecting....so she feels a great trust in you.. you being her guide.. 

One of my favorite books for women...

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Books


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Our differences in Libido types and Lover styles...so often there is a disconnect/ misnderstanding of our deep desires/fantasies / what sex means to us...that needs worked through...

So typical in Marriage.. one partner may crave more bedroom time over another







... one partner may crave more Positions/more spicing/ flirting/ teasing/ role play.... one may have a fetish....one may prefer the sensual "making Love"/ the other something of a more WILD Lust adventure ...One may enjoy the confident Erotic Aggressor ... another naturally more passive/ less of an initiator... some are such Pleasers by nature, they will struggle to feel "fulfilled" unless their partner is wholly satisfied. 

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...




Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...



> ....*These 1st 4 Lover Styles prefer their Romance & Love to be "TRADITIONAL" rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary*...
> 
> *1*. *The Classic Lover*- you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> ...


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> I have responsive desire...


My goodness I have learned so many unexpected things on this forum.

So this is what you call it. Mine is not exactly the same, because although I never masturbated before I met my husband, I can still only masturbate when both of us are doing it together. I have no desire to do it alone. I am totally getting off on what my husband is doing. 

How interesting.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Higher drive... more lustful. I surely think so... the confidence thing... I guess that depends... I think it just means when you get with your man, since you know how to get off.. you can more easily move him or position yourself on him to make that happen and/ or communication what you need to get there...instead of just lying there expecting him to do it all .. when a woman knows what an orgasm feels like..she wants them on a regular basis !...
> 
> Well speaking from one who was sexually repressed in some ways for many years.. this never kept me from masturbating ...I had silly hangups about him seeing me totally naked, wanted the lights out....felt oral was dirty... But I overcame ALL OF THAT... it's like a cage door swung open and suddenly I wanted to experience EVERYTHING we were missing over the years.. .. though to this day I still have no desire to touch myself -if he is there to do it for me.. that just isn't as fun (like some of the other ladies have said here)... so not so sure even if she did BECOME an aggressive sexual Diva.. if this would suddenly mean she's willing & ready to masturbate in front of you.. sure she'll do it.. if you want.. but it may never be her preference....in comparison to your touching her...
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you SimplyAm for writing such a lengthy and informative post.... 

I will look into getting the books but I doubt they will be read in the morning on the tube  It is VERY difficult for her to orgasm and honestly I don't think that she is very interested in having them or not.... I don't think that she was sexually repressed in a similar way to you.. you were more the schoolgirl in the convent repressed type I think  In Brazil if your a pretty girl then the men are all on your tail as soon as you've had your forst period more or less.... Her parents were the usual too over protective/restrictive (like a religious upbringing I'd imagine) not letting her do anything whilst under their roof (not even go to the cinema with friends!)... so she just couldn't wait to not be under their roof... sadly that led her into the arms of men that used her in the wrong way..it's a common thing down there unfortunately. She had imo quite alot of guys in a short time and never enjoyed or orgasmed with any of them.

With regard to the masturbateing... I was just assuming that a woman that has the urge to masturbate irregardless or doing it or not would have a higher sex drive compared to a woman that doesn't... like some other women have said here that they would never do it whilst with their partner... I wonder if they had the urges to do so when single??
Regarding me touching her down there... well during making love like I said she doesn't seem interested in reaching orgasm and she doesn't seem interested in me touching her there either. She doesn't dislike it but it seems unimportant to her. Whether she does it infront of me or not is not important... I just thought that perhaps if she learned a little more or what it feels like to "feel good:smthumbup" then she would want me to do it to her also.. like you said in your first paragraph I think.

Regarding your question of her personality/temperment outside of the bedroom, she was raised using the more traditional northern Brazilian method, submissive to her man of course.. she is great, I do the more manly stuff around the house and in the relationship where she takes care of the more (don't hate me ) traditional womens role... cooking, cleaning, looking after me etc etc... 
Being a western guy and raised by a single mother I'm more accustomed to the modern liberal women of today, the taking charge role as you say... I like that so I always motivate her to be more of a take charge woman.. not because I don't want to be in control but just because I like and promote equality between men and women. However we fit quite well with eachother and I have to admit that I have grown rather comfortable over the years being pampered in the way she likes to pamper me.. she adores me like her King and she my Queen. Thankfully though she is not the sort of typical woman in that role who demands gifts and trinkets to be bought for her, she's also low maintenance in that regard :smthumbup:. 
Woe betide anybody that attacks her or our family as she has a fierce temper and is immensley loyal to her loved ones.

So outside of our relationship she can quite comfortably be dominant but when it's just us together she is always the opposite.

Thanks so much for caring enough to help, all of you ladies that have taken the time to respond though I will welcome more advice if it's out there?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

+Charlie+ said:


> *In Brazil if your a pretty girl then the men are all on your tail as soon as you've had your forst period more or less.... *Her parents were the usual too over protective/restrictive (like a religious upbringing I'd imagine) not letting her do anything whilst under their roof (not even go to the cinema with friends!)... so she just couldn't wait to not be under their roof... sadly that led her into the arms of men that used her in the wrong way..it's a common thing down there unfortunately. She had imo quite alot of guys in a short time and *never enjoyed or orgasmed with any of them.*
> 
> Regarding me touching her down there... well *during making love like I said she doesn't seem interested in reaching orgasm and she doesn't seem interested in me touching her there either. She doesn't dislike it but it seems unimportant to her. * Whether she does it infront of me or not is not important... I just thought that perhaps if she learned a little more or what it feels like to "feel good:smthumbup" then she would want me to do it to her also.. like you said in your first paragraph I think.
> 
> ...


Maybe she doesn't realize that SHE is also supposed to enjoy sex. Maybe she thinks sex is something she needs to do to please her man and that's all it's about.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

noraJ thanks for your reply, well..... I certainly hope not... maybe you could be right. I can not be a back to the future fly on the wall and see what happened with her previous partners in the motels or appartments that they used.. I don't know how they treated her, a bit here and there I know but I'd imagine that some may have been ok and others not so much. Alot of it was to do with getting out of her own house and away from her life/parents.

With me, I don't push myself upon her regarding sex if she doesn't want it, heaven forbid.. I want to please her. She always seems to very much enjoy making love... if she didn't enjoy it then neither would I.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She can enjoy the emotional intimacy of sex without quite understanding that it is for her physical pleasure, too. 

If she never orgasmed with her past lovers when she was young, neither they nor she placed any importance on it. She may have learned that her physical pleasure is immaterial.


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## +Charlie+ (May 12, 2014)

norajane said:


> She can enjoy the emotional intimacy of sex without quite understanding that it is for her physical pleasure, too.
> 
> If she never orgasmed with her past lovers when she was young, neither they nor she placed any importance on it. She may have learned that her physical pleasure is immaterial.


Aye Nora you could be onto something there.. I'm not really sure what to do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

+Charlie+ said:


> With regard to the masturbateing... I was just assuming that a woman that has the urge to masturbate irregardless or doing it or not would have a higher sex drive compared to a woman that doesn't... *like some other women have said here that they would never do it whilst with their partner.*.. I wonder if they had the urges to do so when single??


Speaking for myself.. If my H didn't give me enough sex, I would be ! But I'd also grow irritated with him -feeling rejected if he didn't have desire or want to be with me...I just find masturbating hollow in comparison...he says the same.. 



> Regarding me touching her down there... well during making love like I said she doesn't seem interested in reaching orgasm and she doesn't seem interested in me touching her there either. She doesn't dislike it but it seems unimportant to her. Whether she does it infront of me or not is not important... I just thought that perhaps if she learned a little more or what it feels like to "feel good:smthumbup" then she would want me to do it to her also.. like you said in your first paragraph I think.


 it sounds like she has never experienced an orgasm then..if she wasn't treated well by those men before you, this could have allowed her to detach in some ways from the act even....

So she has no idea what she is missing then...that rush of pleasure washing over her body.... do you do Oral on her.. as this is how 70% of women orgasm.. so they say... 

I did a thread on Orgasms...and a post devoted to ....well...Orgasms... with many book links to help women/ couples. ..here ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/102337-just-how-important-your-wifes-orgasm-you-man.html



> If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>*
> 
> I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide:
> 
> ...





> *+Charlie+ said*:
> 
> Regarding your question of her personality/temperment outside of the bedroom, she was raised using the more traditional northern Brazilian method, submissive to her man of course.. she is great,* I do the more manly stuff around the house and in the relationship where she takes care of the more (don't hate me ) traditional womens role... cooking, cleaning, looking after me etc etc... *
> Being a western guy and raised by a single mother I'm more accustomed to the modern liberal women of today, the taking charge role as you say... I like that so I always motivate her to be more of a take charge woman.. not because I don't want to be in control but just because *I like and promote equality between men and women. However we fit quite well with eachother and I have to admit that I have grown rather comfortable over the years being pampered in the way she likes to pamper me.. she adores me like her King and she my Queen.* Thankfully though she is not the sort of typical woman in that role who demands gifts and trinkets to be bought for her, she's also low maintenance in that regard :smthumbup:.
> ...


 Well I am just a boring old SAHM and I Love the traditional role so what you said would far from offend Me personally, I think it seems to offend you more so ... I often refer to myself as "Older fashioned" ... 

.. My H does ALL the manly stuff (he is the Breadwinner) and I do all the mundane stuff/ take care of the Home-front .... I want to make his life easier so when he comes home, he can relax and spend time with me & the kids.. I help him with his projects..we do things together... I never cared to go to College...( I realize some find that foolish today) but we're happy.. we have a # of kids and enjoy this lifestyle... I would also say I am more conservative...over Liberal in many ways.

But even with all that said I have a more naturally dominant personality over my Husband.... crazy -huh!? So I am not sure that a traditional role , or whether one is Liberal or conservative even has anything to do with these things... it's an inborn disposition really.. Sounds your wife has it in her though, you mention her TEMPER if someone comes against the family... I treat my Husband like a King too.... and he has called me this Queen..

But ya know.. we have conflict now & then, he tells me I am a force to be reckoned with .. ha ha 

We have so much in common that its not a matter of submitting so much.. he always wants my Input..and heck I am happy he is like that! If he wasn't, I'd probably have issues with it, as I like to know what is going down...so we go forth together *as a team*.. we both look at it as equality -though we still love and embrace these traditional roles none the less.. so there is another perspective that may not be the norm that you hear. I don't know...

Back to your wife.. Norajane hit this all on the head.. she feels she is doing her role as a pleaser..she doesn't orgasm, she knows the duty of a wife.

Opening her up to her own pleasure... being inspired in the Love making...this will take communication, exploring, patience, discovering what turns her on.. (surely we all all sexual - does watching a sensual love scene get her juices flowing, reading a romantic novel??)..... ways to make her feel the deepest love...and trust in you ...so you can keep exploring and discovering each other.... 

This is a very popular book for husbands in pleasing their wives..written by a sex therapist...

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: Books

You are her Lover ,her Husband , her guide... her being receptive...willing.....you have plenty to work with...


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

> Thanks for your reply Scarlet.. it's looking kind of lonely up there though... any more ladies care to add?


Mr. Charlie. Hi.  One of the reasons this topic is so often such a lonely one is- Because some women would rather die than admit they disturb their own, shhhhhh, you know what to orgasm!!  I mean they would rather roll over and die than say to their mate, " I played in my stuff today while you were away!" I was amazed at some of the women who admit they do. I do. So what? It is not a criminal act. It feels criminally good as matter of fact. 

Most masturbating is done in private, so anyone can say they don't and no one would ever really know.. I had an aunt who recently passed away at the age of 70. She still played in her sandbox as she called it, occasionally. My aunt had a raw tongue, so she expressed her mind at will all the time. She was so cool with us married gals and kept it real. 

Many women are *so *ashamed of the act, they would rather lie than admit their acts of masturbation to their hubs. 

Especially in religion women, they feel it is holy and honorable to not need sex and/or overly enjoy sex when engaged. More than anything, they will have vanilla sex at anytime to please their husband as the role of the dutiful wife. They want to be seen pristine and praised in their mates eyes by saying "they don't" masturbate or do all those other beneath them, sexual acts. To really enjoy sex would mean in their minds they are out of control and unholy!!! Remaining in control means *everything* to them! The ultimate goal is to model what they expect in their mate, sexually. No animalistic sexual behavior is allowed. There is someone in my life who really believe the above position is one to be had. 

Here is what I believe. That married folks can throw caution to the wind and tear their sex chambers to threads in wild enjoyment if they want.. I would want. 

Yes yes yes, women certainly masturbate and those who say they don't almost always have men who say they don't either.


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

it's embarrassing for men to admit to their spouses too


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

kilgore said:


> it's embarrassing for men to admit to their spouses too


I know it. 

Mine lied to me for years telling me how he didn't have to "do it" because he had me.  By the way, my husband was the one who brought up the subject to begin with, whether or not I masturbated. I said. "Oh babe, now why would I want to do that?" That made him feel good to hear me tell him a lie. He literally believed me, but I never ever believed him, but he thought I did. What a knuckle head. :scratchhead: 

To masturbate or not to masturbate is the question? Nah.. The question is, can folks ever be honest about how often they do. One woman responded to the question out of fear she would appear unholy. "I feel, that even masturbating once a year is one time too many!" Such a lovely way to allude the truth. You gotta love her for trying to hide her occasional pleasure. 

Why is it men don't want their wives to masturbate? :scratchhead: Most husband's do. So what? I believe men like women aren't always available for the other sexually for whatever valid reason. Then there are times one or the other or both just don't feel like doing the whole joint sex act. Once me and my husband admitted we masturbated a times we freed ourselves up from feeling guilty about it. Neither of us go around asking the other -when was the last time you did the do- either.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Never had an issue and have been doing so since my early teens 

I guess with soo much ummmmmm practice it does make it easier to achieve an orgasm now  !!! It's unfortunate that so many women are uncomfortable with their bodies which of course would this part of their lives. They really do not know what their missing  !! 

Just teasing sooooowwwww !!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

hartvalve said:


> Many women are *so *ashamed of the act, they would rather lie than admit their acts of masturbation to their hubs.
> 
> Especially in religion women, they feel it is holy and honorable to not need sex and/or overly enjoy sex when engaged. More than anything, they will have vanilla sex at anytime to please their husband as the role of the dutiful wife. They want to be seen pristine and praised in their mates eyes by saying "they don't" masturbate or do all those other beneath them, sexual acts. To really enjoy sex would mean in their minds they are out of control and unholy!!! Remaining in control means *everything* to them! The ultimate goal is to model what they expect in their mate, sexually. No animalistic sexual behavior is allowed. There is someone in my life who really believe the above position is one to be had.
> 
> ...


And then, there are the women who don't fit into that little box that the majority want to keep them in. You know, the ones who enjoy sex. The ones who are sexually adventurous, willing to try anything (or nearly anything) with their spouses. The ones who will do all that, and still dont masturbate. The ones who are, supposedly, lying when they say they don't because the majority cannot fathom the fact that there are some who don't do it, yet love sex. The ones who are accused of being repressed because of their religious beliefs, but still enjoy sex with their spouses. I find it curious that so many feel a woman who loves sex so much, and is nearly always ready to have sex anytime with her husband, MUST be willing and want to touch herself as well. Because, if she doesn't, she's missing out! Who are you to say she is missing out? There is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman who does not masturbate. 

And for those who believe "If you masturbate, you will have more orgasms when you have sex.".... BS. It doesnt always work that way. Sometimes, women are unable to orgasm after having masturbated. And that's even when doing it rarely. Just like with everything else in lie, there is no "one size fits all".... what works for one doesn't work for all. And people need to stop trying to shame others for making the choice not to masturbate. They don't like when others shame them for doing it, so why is it ok to shame people for NOT doing it? :scratchhead:


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