# Online dating, do I tell her about the others?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

So, I have been chatting with a few women online. OK, probably 6-8 of them. They all want to go on a date. I am honestly pretty overwhelmed just trying to message all these women. I screen carefully and every one of them are likely really good women and I don't want to be dishonest, but I also don't want them to feel they are just another fish in my pond either. I will probably do dates with at least 3 this week. How bad am I screwing this up and what do I do here? The problem with OLD is if they want a date and decline, they will probably just move on and meeting in person in a much better test to see what is there anyway. 

I also have another that seems like a really good one, and she is sort of playing hard to get and sent me a screen shot of over 100 people trying to contact her. I laugh it off, i am never pushy or aggressive and figure my charm will either work or it won't. For the past several weeks, she has replied in her sweet time, and I reply back, and leave it at that. We joked that I needed to work on my dancing and I basically told her when she was ready to help me with my dancing, look me up....lol However, I suspect I probably will go on a date with her because I have been told this sort of mysterious side of me lures them. If she wants a date, that is just one more I gotta fit in and I don;t want to tell her "I have too many dates right now, I will have to get back to you" but she is sort of doing this to herself I think.....lol

I may need a book on how to handle OLD!!! I don't like hurting good women and I don't want to but there is just no way to know anything until I meet them. I know they will ask "how is OLD going for you?" UH, pretty good, you are one of many......lol NO, I do not want to say that!!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> So, I have been chatting with a few women online. OK, probably 6-8 of them. They all want to go on a date. I am honestly pretty overwhelmed just trying to message all these women. I screen carefully and every one of them are likely really good women and I don't want to be dishonest, but I also don't want them to feel they are just another fish in my pond either. I will probably do dates with at least 3 this week. How bad am I screwing this up and what do I do here? The problem with OLD is if they want a date and decline, they will probably just move on and meeting in person in a much better test to see what is there anyway.
> 
> I also have another that seems like a really good one, and she is sort of playing hard to get and sent me a screen shot of over 100 people trying to contact her. I laugh it off, i am never pushy or aggressive and figure my charm will either work or it won't. For the past several weeks, she has replied in her sweet time, and I reply back, and leave it at that. We joked that I needed to work on my dancing and I basically told her when she was ready to help me with my dancing, look me up....lol However, I suspect I probably will go on a date with her because I have been told this sort of mysterious side of me lures them. If she wants a date, that is just one more I gotta fit in and I don;t want to tell her "I have too many dates right now, I will have to get back to you" but she is sort of doing this to herself I think.....lol
> 
> I may need a book on how to handle OLD!!! I don't like hurting good women and I don't want to but there is just no way to know anything until I meet them. I know they will ask "how is OLD going for you?" UH, pretty good, you are one of many......lol NO, I do not want to say that!!!



*Only when you develop a sense of exclusivity with her would be the only time that you should be in a position to tell her about any of your other dating exploits!

Until then, it is never OK to be "kissing and telling!"

I mean, would you want to know all of the gory details of the guys that she's lip-locked with up until you came along? 

That's kind of what I thought!*


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

It should be understood by everyone involved on that site that people are looking and testing the waters.

Don't tell....I had a guy tell me once that he was talking to "three other women who wanted him" on one of those sites.
I couldn't figure out the point of telling me that other than I was supposed to get into some type of "competition" with people I didn't even know to stroke his ego. Never knew what happened with the other three but he didn't get me as a fourth joining the party. 

That woman showing you screen shots....it's all about insecurity and needing to have an ego boost.

Don't kiss and tell right now. You're not obligated to do so. 

Only when/if you meet "the one" would you need to be more open with yourself/other side of things.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You're not hurting anyone, just date whoever, and have fun. Way too much over thinking.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

VibrantWings said:


> That woman showing you screen shots....it's all about insecurity and needing to have an ego boost.


Nah, I would boot her for that but the way that went down is I contacted her, we talked, but she admitted she was brand new there and a bit overwhelmed with the traffic. I told her if you are actually attractive and not obese, you will probably get a message from every dude on the site. She then sent me a snap of her notifications. We laughed, no biggy. Told me later she just could not keep up and just started deleting people based on their pic. I think that is just how it works with OLD. 

I am not knocking her and I think she has class, so I will just be patient. She keeps coming back for some reason.


OH, I should remind myself that one that contacted me first months ago, I was just not ready. She hit me back and asked how OLD was going. Told her I went on a date and a few other details, never heard from her again..... I guess she figured she was not my top priority, but maybe I should have just went with "just met up with one person but didn't work out"??? Or "I'm not sharing that information with you, sorry"????


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

It sounds to me like you are handling this well. Never chase or seem desperate. Be cool. No need to say by the way I am also talking to all these other women. It will come off as bragging or that you are just trying to run up your numbers. There is no dishonor in casually dating multiple people. The numbers will narrow themselves fairly quickly once things move from online to real world. 

I just had a conversation with a recently divorced female friend about this and the lame short messages she gets from most men infuriate her. She narrows it down by looks of course but also but substance of messages. If guys have the short 'hey, how you doin" message they are ignored. Women search and read profiles and think before the send a message, guys just look at the pictures and fire from the hip usually.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

When my BIL was OLD he would invite like 4-5 women out for a drink (1) on the same afternoon/evening, at the same place, and space them barely over an hour apart! I thought that was insane! He claimed this was because so few turned out to be what they actually looked like in their pictures (used old pictures, or angles to make them not look as fluffy). Or different than how they pretended to be in their profiles/messaging. Or that they were lying about being smokers or druggies. This allowed him to only get ready for a date once, barely spend any money, and narrow down who he wanted to take out for a meal. At first I thought he was just being a player, but the more I have learned about OLD he may have had it figured out...

I barely got to OLD before I met my H. He, on the other hand, had been doing it since it very first began. In his well over a decade on there, he had met almost no women that weren't dating tons of men, essentially lining up free dinners most nights of the week. He got so burnt out, he gave up many times. When we met, it was only becasue he was giving me the kiss off, as he thought I was talking to tons of guys too. Granted, I guess I had been, but hadn't accepted dates becasue I was nervous and skeptical because SO many men were contacting me and I was brand new to this! When he said goodbye to me because he was "looking for a woman that was only wanting to talk to one man" my reaction was...now this guy I want to meet!!! I had hundreds flirting with me and asking me out in less than a month AND I didnt have pictures posted in my profile! Insanity!

So, my vote would be...go on the date with the Newbie, she might be the best of the lot.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Actually, all of them are new. I've been on for a few months and all others sounded like they had issues. I screen pretty hard and I know they do too. Its all good. All of them have an education,class, and act like it. 

I am pretty shocked how many don't even put on a decent pic. Snap a selfy sitting on the couch and say "hit me up". The way I look at it, if they care that much, I can only imagine about their hygiene and rest of that package..... 

Even the one I met and did not work out was top notch. Very smart, very clean and tighty home, etc.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, as someone else said, stop overthinking it. Everyone on OLD is there to date. So they should expect that there are others. It is no different than it would be in real life. Just go with no expectations. If one of them spark an interest and you have other dates set up in the meantime, you can always cancel those dates if you want to. The only thing you owe any of those women is honesty, so just be honest, have fun and enjoy.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's like house hunting. 

When you first start looking, you have the whole MLS to choose from, and you look at a bunch of houses in quick succession. If you reject all the ones already on the market, things slow down and you end up waiting for new ones to be listed.

Conversely, when you first list your own house, there is a flurry of showings as people who have been looking for a while come check your new one out. Then it slows down after those folks reject it and you end up waiting for new people to start looking.

So if someone asks you how things are going, are you meeting other people, etc, just let them know you're in the initial flurry of interest stage but you hope it will settle down.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Actually, all of them are new. I've been on for a few months and all others sounded like they had issues. I screen pretty hard and I know they do too. Its all good. All of them have an education,class, and act like it.
> 
> I am pretty shocked how many don't even put on a decent pic. Snap a selfy sitting on the couch and say "hit me up". The way I look at it, if they care that much, I can only imagine about their hygiene and rest of that package.....
> Even the one I met and did not work out was top notch. Very smart, very clean and tighty home, etc.


Wow, that's amazing that you have nearly 10 that are all new to OLD! Nice finds! :wink2:


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Spicy said:


> Wow, that's amazing that you have nearly 10 that are all new to OLD! Nice finds! :wink2:


I'm not totally convinced any of them are "the one", but at least 3 should be a lot of fun. One has an MBA, tall, blonde, athletic, catholic, charitable, and speaks fluid sarcasm right with me. We started chatting about steaks an she knew what Waygu was!! She also requests pictures of my well trained dog. It's women like this that make it real hard to hurt their feelings in any way. I hate doing that and I know I have her on a short leash already. All I have to do is get my guitar out and seal the deal....lol

And another is so similar, they could be sisters. 

Guess we will see what happens.

I am also a bit intrigued with the one I have not quite caught yet. I think I found her after being on for only 3 hours and she said she was already overwhelmed. We talked and I know she has interest because I am still talking to her tonight, 3-4 weeks later. I find it most interesting because no doubt she is weighing her options and I am just waiting to see how I stack up against probably hundreds of dudes...lol I realize some have a hard time forming a sentence so that is not fair, but...... If we go out, I will have to dig in a bit. If I am even half right about her, she will be classy about it and sort of blow it off....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When I was OLD, I only dated one at a time. Ok a first date with more than one is ok, but once that grows into more dates then I would feel uneasy about being with more than one at a time. Maybe that's just me but it would seem like two timing. 

I do also think that if they ask you need to be honest that you are seeing more than one. 
One man I went on a date with made it clear that he wasn't ready to have a serious relationship but wanted to meet different women(not for sex, we are Christians)so I didn't persue him as I was wanting to date with a view to getting married. 

My advise is to meet asap, then you can know if there is any chemistry. I met up with my now husband 4 days after first on line contact.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Diana, thanks for the reply. I am an honest person and only date good, honest women and I seem to be good and spotting them. Might have character flaws like my ex, but honest...lol

So I have people telling me to say nothing, and you saying to tell them. I absolutely would not start doing multiple dates with more than one. Hell, I don't feel right with one date and lining them up during the week. But I guess this is why I am trying to meet them just so I can know where I am at. 

Yes, all these women are looking for a forever. I think most women around here and my age are. Men are probably more the exception. May a caught them because I was not afraid to say I was looking for a forever and have kids. I don't think it is worth beating around the bush. I want both, thus my reason for talking to younger women...lol But not that young.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> S*o I have people telling me to say nothing, and you saying to tell them.* I absolutely would not start doing multiple dates with more than one. Hell, I don't feel right with one date and lining them up during the week. But I guess this is why I am trying to meet them just so I can know where I am at.
> 
> Yes, all these women are looking for a forever. I think most women around here and my age are. Men are probably more the exception. May a caught them because I was not afraid to say I was looking for a forever and have kids. I don't think it is worth beating around the bush. I want both, thus my reason for talking to younger women...lol But not that young.



The advice you've been given is not contradictory. Don't bring up or humble-brag about all the other women you're chatting up. But if one of them asks if you're talking to other women, be honest about it. Those two states are not mutually exclusive. 

Also, it doesn't sound like you're actually meeting these women for dates, but rather that you're chatting with them online? For weeks? If that's the case, stop it. You're doing neither yourself nor them any favors. When you find someone online who catches your interest, try to meet them in person within a week, two at the most. That way, no one's time is being wasted chatting for weeks with someone there turns out to be no in-person spark with, doesn't look like their profile picture, isn't serious about actually dating, etc. Even a quick in-person coffee or lunch date during the week will weed out a lot of candidates, freeing up your time to find someone with whom there's actual real-life chemistry, attraction, mutual interest, and compatibility.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Diana, thanks for the reply. I am an honest person and *only date good, honest women and I seem to be good and spotting them*. Might have character flaws like my ex, but honest...lol
> 
> So I have people telling me to say nothing, and you saying to tell them. I absolutely would not start doing multiple dates with more than one. Hell, I don't feel right with one date and lining them up during the week. But I guess this is why I am trying to meet them just so I can know where I am at. You do realize they have the guys lined up, too, right?
> 
> *Yes, all these women are looking for a forever.* OMG I think most women around here and my age are. Men are probably more the exception. No, they ARE NOT, women on average are just as badMay a caught them because I was not afraid to say I was looking for a forever and have kids. I don't think it is worth beating around the bush. I want both, thus my reason for talking to younger women...lol But not that young.


Bob,

YOu are INCREDIBLY naive. 

You are NOT good at picking them (who is??). 99% of those ladies on OLD sites are NOT what they seem, and you will likely have to wade through MANY ladies to find one who is truly "top notch" as you put it.

MOST people seem like they're normal, tidy, this and that------ all you see online is what they want you to see. All they say online is what you want to hear. Yes, I think most people (even men) are looking for their "forever", however, with online dating it is so easy to have multiple people wanting to date you that it is hard to narrow things down to just one person. That crap is addictive in a way. It gives constant ego boosting, constant new relationship "highs" when one meets that "amazing person"..... People intrinsically desire all that crap. Some thrive on it. 

Please do not think that these ladies are what they seem until you've had quite a few dates with them. Watch closely.
The truth is, lots of people are divorced for a reason(s). 

Good luck finding your forever. But be incredibly skeptical--- to yourself. And don't get too discouraged when you find that most people aren't all that honest.

Not trying to get you down, just trying to make you wary of people that aren't what they seem.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Read a book called "Book of Pook"

You havent gone on any dates yet and you are acting like a player trying to balance his stable of women.

Dont tell them, go have fun...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Bob,
> 
> YOu are INCREDIBLY naive.
> 
> ...



Based on his posting history here, I'm going to guess that it's not naivety so much as willful blindness. It's been suggested more than once on prior threads that the OP do some personal work, fix his picker, learn less dysfunctional relationship habits and get emotionally healthy himself before he jumps back into another relationship. That advice doesn't seem to have caught hold. At a certain point, he's no longer a victim but a volunteer.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I may need a book on how to handle OLD!!! I don't like hurting good women and I don't want to but there is just no way to know anything until I meet them.


Dawg, you don't need a book. You need to ask the chick out and quit treating women like I treat technical analysis of investments. (with trendlines, crossovers, and oscillators) 
As far as "I don't like hurting good women and I don't want to" don't let anybody tell you you're not grandiose. Believe me my man, women can easily handle your rejection and won't spend days pining over you.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeah, I know I have to remember we are single for a reason, including ME! I had some red flags with my ex that I should have seen, like her ex leaving her 6mo preg! My brain today tells me she was simply impossible to deal with the and thought and raising a child and taking a life of that was not going to work. I felt the exact same, yet stayed for some stupid reason. 

I intend to pry a bit as to what is really the source of their singlehood. At least for one, she is quite a bit younger and was working on her career but I would think if she is a total package, someone would have snagged her, unless she is insanely picky. I know that feeling...lol


Rowan, this is as much for learning as anything else. I know everyone just says "take time for yourself", but for me, some of this is "what do these women say about me that is a common denominator, good or bad". So far, in seeing a few others, I am learning. Maybe some good things that boost my ego, but also some personality traits that are not good and I need to be honest about.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Going on one date or meeting someone for drinks is not "dating." It is "meeting." You are not "dating" more than one woman at the same time. You are "meeting" several different ladies. After a handful of dates (maybe less), you'll likely feel a connection with one in particular. THEN you will tell the others that you don't feel that spark, and good luck to them. And you can focus on the ONE.

There is nothing dishonest, immoral, or nefarious about what you are doing.

Nothing


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Diana, thanks for the reply. I am an honest person and only date good, honest women and I seem to be good and spotting them. Might have character flaws like my ex, but honest...lol
> 
> So I have people telling me to say nothing, and you saying to tell them. I absolutely would not start doing multiple dates with more than one. Hell, I don't feel right with one date and lining them up during the week. But I guess this is why I am trying to meet them just so I can know where I am at.
> 
> Yes, all these women are looking for a forever. I think most women around here and my age are. Men are probably more the exception. May a caught them because I was not afraid to say I was looking for a forever and have kids. I don't think it is worth beating around the bush. I want both, thus my reason for talking to younger women...lol But not that young.


It as very different for me because as a Christian in the UK the numbers are small. Only 5% go to church here, so our choices are very limited, especially for women because there are far more of us in the church. Also because so many men wont consider women of their own age which is sad, so that skews the numbers even more. At the age I was then, late 40's, there were about 4 times the number of women than men on most Christian dating sites, so I never had that issue of being flooded by people wanting to date. Maybe that was a good thing, as I can see it would be hard to decide who to date. 

I was also by then very fussy, very strict about the sort of man I wanted, he had to be a strong Christian with strong moral values, so that did make it hard for me to meet anyone but you only need one good one, and my husband is a year younger than me and is all that I asked for. Mind you it can take time, so be patient. I was on dating sites for 2 years before we met, he had been on for just a few days before I snapped him up.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I just finished a stint of OLD in March, so I know what you're going through! In a word, no, you don't need to tell all of them about all of your dates or potential dates. This is the joy of OLD, waaaay too many dates and waaaay too many women to keep track of (in my case, men). When trying to find a time to make a date with the woman who's playing hard to get, you don't need to tell her that you have too many dates lined up this week, just tell her that you've got some plans this week, or are just plain busy, and suggest another evening that you have free. It's none of their business to be honest.

OLD dating IS exhausting, but unfortunately, the multi-dates are something that you'll just have to go through to find a good match. Chatting online only gets you so far, it's that in-person meet up that will tell whether there's a connection or not. Most times, there won't be, but that's also the joy of OLD. It gets tiring, quickly. I went out on 50+ dates with almost 30 men during a 3 month period, and I tell you, I was exhausted and very done, and then I met my current beau. He makes me really happy that I toughed it out and went through some trying times to find him.

When you find someone that you want to be exclusive with, then that's the time to stop dating others, or to let the others that you're seeing know that you're now in a relationship and to thank them for their time and wish them luck.

Good luck and have fun!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> OH, I should remind myself that one that contacted me first months ago, I was just not ready. She hit me back and asked how OLD was going. Told her I went on a date and a few other details, never heard from her again..... I guess she figured she was not my top priority, but maybe I should have just went with "just met up with one person but didn't work out"??? Or "I'm not sharing that information with you, sorry"????


Or, you could just say, "it's going well thanks, how's it going with you?" Really, no details are needed.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Did you date before doing it by internet?

If so, did you tell any woman you were dating if you were dating someone else, or interested in someone else at the same time?

The internet is just a tool that provides a different way of meeting other people. The morals or modus operandi you apply need not change based on the method of meeting women. 

If you thought it was important to let women you were dating know you were dating others before the net, then continue to do so with those you've met on the net. If not, then don't. Don't let the net change your thinking as it makes no difference here.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Here are the problems I have faced and still face today. 

1. I would like to go out to try to mingle. I go alone because everyone else is married and doing family crap. I can't even get a drink before someone that I am not interested in approaches me to chat. "Are you here alone?" I say yes to be cordial. They end up attaching to me and I watch potentials walk out the door. I can say with confidence that my area sucks to approach women. I have been in other areas like Colorado where women are open and approach. Here, they seem to work in packs, and stay huddled, which makes approach impossible for my personality. Half the time I see one that interests me, then sure enough, here comes her BF or husband. 

2. Or I go out with a woman that I already know I won't have a future with. It makes going places easier because I have someone with me. However, I see someone I REALLY want to talk to, but can't because I have a +1. This happened a couple weeks ago. My +1 was stuck like glue and watched one leave that I think was interested but thought I was hooked up with someone. 

The joys of single life.....lol


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

No you don't tell your dating prospects about your other dating partners.

For reasons that should be obvious.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Here are the problems I have faced and still face today.
> 
> I can't even get a drink before someone that I am not interested in approaches me to chat. "Are you here alone?" I say yes to be cordial. They end up attaching to me and I watch potentials walk out the door.
> 
> ...


I sincerely doubt you see the problem is with YOU. ^^THIS.^^

Someone you are "not interested" in. Gee, you don't even know the woman's name or a darned thing about her, but you aren't interested. Talk about bias ....

So move to Colorado and then you can complain about what is wrong with the women's social groups and their interactions there.

You are a mess. You are in DIRE need of professional counseling. But, hey, keep doing what you are doing. It's a sure-fire way to end up alone.

Again, you don't see that the problem is with you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

How do you know YOU'RE not one of many? 

Don't assume you're the only one playing that game.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I sincerely doubt you see the problem is with YOU. ^^THIS.^^
> 
> Someone you are "not interested" in. Gee, you don't even know the woman's name or a darned thing about her, but you aren't interested. Talk about bias ....


Um, yes, I guess I openly admitted to something everyone else in the world does. Based my decision on physical traits in 5 seconds. I realize it just does not show well online but we all have preferences. I guess I just admitted to it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> How do you know YOU'RE not one of many?
> 
> Don't assume you're the only one playing that game.


I guess this is what I need to keep telling myself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I guess this is what I need to keep telling myself.


Even if you weren't OLD, that could still be going on. There's nothing wrong with being honest and saying that you're just casually dating right now, that usually means you're dating a few women at the same time. With OLD, people usually assume that. I don't think it's a great way to really find a good match, no matter what those commercials say. 0


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Um, yes, I guess I openly admitted to something everyone else in the world does.


Uh, NO, not "everyone else in the world" does it. Thus, the problem is still with YOU.

I don't subscribe to the but-everyone-else-does it mantra.

Get counseling. You need it. Not that "everyone else in the world" does get into counseling .....


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> Here are the problems I have faced and still face today.
> 
> 1. I would like to go out to try to mingle. I go alone because everyone else is married and doing family crap. I can't even get a drink before someone that I am not interested in approaches me to chat. "Are you here alone?" I say yes to be cordial. They end up attaching to me and I watch potentials walk out the door. I can say with confidence that my area sucks to approach women. I have been in other areas like Colorado where women are open and approach. Here, they seem to work in packs, and stay huddled, which makes approach impossible for my personality. Half the time I see one that interests me, then sure enough, here comes her BF or husband.
> 
> ...



This seems a little passive to me. Remember you’re in control, you’re in charge. If you see someone you like but happen to be with a platonic friend as a +1, approach that woman you like. Explain you’re with a friend. Don’t let your platonic friend interact with you like a gf would. Learn to say no to people you don’t want to hang out with. Learn the art of excusing yourself politely and approaching someone else. Be in control of your own person.

And the one who’s “playing hard to get” is probably wanting you to ask her out. Take the lead. She seems to be someone who likes that in a man.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Here are the problems I have faced and still face today.
> 
> 1. I would like to go out to try to mingle. I go alone because everyone else is married and doing family crap. I can't even get a drink before someone that I am not interested in approaches me to chat. "Are you here alone?" I say yes to be cordial. They end up attaching to me and I watch potentials walk out the door. I can say with confidence that my area sucks to approach women. I have been in other areas like Colorado where women are open and approach. Here, they seem to work in packs, and stay huddled, which makes approach impossible for my personality. Half the time I see one that interests me, then sure enough, here comes her BF or husband.
> 
> ...


Find clubs and groups for the things that you are interested in and join them. Do voluntary work. All good ways of meeting people.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well after meeting 5, plus the one I met weeks back, I am not sure this is for me. They might have created a new profile, etc, but have been in the OLD game for a while, which sort of concerns me. None seemed like bad women at all, but just not for me. Every one of them was elated with me, mentioned they were refreshed that I actually exceeded my profile marks, and my phone is now getting blown up with "how are you doing?", etc I heard stories that guys flat out lie about their profile, use old or fake pics, etc. 

So, if there are genuinely good ones online, they might quickly get a sour taste from other dudes ruining it, and either leave or assume I am lying is some way. 

I did have one that mentioned being "athletic", but I think we have different opinions of what that is. The site asks about body type, not that if you jump rope for 5min/day, you are athletic. Her personality was on point but I just could not get past the flat out lie about body type. Her pictures were obviously old. 


I think the comments I picked up were things like "I took a break from OLD for a while", "had an OLD date early last year", etc. All things that point to being in this game for a bit. 

So, they were all probably experienced enough to not really discuss "how online stuff is going" too much. Not even one asked about how many dates I have had, etc. Only one was slightly aggressive with questioning but my ex was flat out TO THE POINT with questions so I am pretty used to it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Well after meeting 5, plus the one I met weeks back, I am not sure this is for me. They might have created a new profile, etc, but have been in the OLD game for a while, which sort of concerns me. None seemed like bad women at all, but just not for me. Every one of them was elated with me, mentioned they were refreshed that I actually exceeded my profile marks, and my phone is now getting blown up with "how are you doing?", etc I heard stories that guys flat out lie about their profile, use old or fake pics, etc.
> 
> So, if there are genuinely good ones online, they might quickly get a sour taste from other dudes ruining it, and either leave or assume I am lying is some way.
> 
> ...


Don't be put off by the fact that they have been OLD for a while and haven't met anyone yet. Doesn't mean they aren't nice ladies. It can take time for anyone.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

So...... this might be a dumb or ignorant question but...... is there a best/nicest way to excuse yourself from seeing someone again? Should this be done in person, right after the first date? Day after? How? 

In all cases, I was polite, paid for the date as I feel a man should do, the women talked about how they were very happy with the date and me, and discussed seeing me again. I tried to make light of it without committing to anything or setting such date. I sort of feel like I lead them on by playing along. I tried to taper back my text messages and eventually have not been responding. I never said "it won't work out" or something like that. For days they have been sending texts like "how is your day going?", etc. 

I feel like a pric here not saying anything, but is it the right course to simply not respond? I just don't think I handle confrontation well and trying to avoid it. I have one that likes to talk on the phone and has called a couple times a day for a few days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> So...... this might be a dumb or ignorant question but...... is there a best/nicest way to excuse yourself from seeing someone again? Should this be done in person, right after the first date? Day after? How?
> 
> In all cases, I was polite, paid for the date as I feel a man should do, the women talked about how they were very happy with the date and me, and discussed seeing me again. I tried to make light of it without committing to anything or setting such date. I sort of feel like I lead them on by playing along. I tried to taper back my text messages and eventually have not been responding. I never said "it won't work out" or something like that. For days they have been sending texts like "how is your day going?", etc.
> 
> I feel like a pric here not saying anything, but is it the right course to simply not respond? I just don't think I handle confrontation well and trying to avoid it. I have one that likes to talk on the phone and has called a couple times a day for a few days.


IF you know that you don't want to see them again, just text/email them the next day and say that you had a nice evening but that you dont want to take things any further. Then say you hope they will meet someone nice. Far better and kinder than stringing them along.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I have done just that. Just mentioned I had a great time on our date, hope they did too, and wish them the best. Not sure why I hate doing that so much but I guess I cannot play in OLD land without understanding the process. I got some rather blunt responses back, but I guess it is what it is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I have done just that. Just mentioned I had a great time on our date, hope they did too, and wish them the best. Not sure why I hate doing that so much but I guess I cannot play in OLD land without understanding the process. I got some rather blunt responses back, but I guess it is what it is.


Well the same sort of thing can happen with dating people you meet elsewhere I guess. If you don't get on you still have to tell them. 
Not easy but kind in the long run.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> So...... this might be a dumb or ignorant question but...... is there a best/nicest way to excuse yourself from seeing someone again? Should this be done in person, right after the first date?
> 
> In all cases, I was polite, paid for the date as I feel a man should do, the women talked about how they were very happy with the date and me, and discussed seeing me again.


Listen, bob, I know I come across with all the finesse of a sledge hammer, but I want you to know I think you are a nice guy. Maybe too nice, but nevertheless nice.

How about instead of taking them out on a regular date, you just suggest meeting for coffee? Granted, Starbucks can be a three-ring circus with a million people ... But are there any locally-owned, lower-keyed coffee shops in your area? I don't know if your dates entailed a three-course meal or just a snack, but I think it was very nice of you to pick up the check. Me? I tried online dating in its infancy. Although I had several guys take me to dinner, I wasn't comfortable with that. I suggested an afternoon coffee get together after two dinner dates.

Less pressure IMO. Also no need to make a formal this-isn't-a-match-for-me speech. We got together, talked, and simply agreed if either of us felt it had possibilities we would contact each other. Sure, I contacted a few guys via email and they weren't interested. But they let me know. And I was okay with that.

No harm, no foul. Something to consider ...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeah, I need to think more on how and where to meet to make this a quicker process. A couple I met out in the evening so we had more time to talk. I think it is hard to really figure someone out in 30min, BUT, letting my honesty make me an azzhole on the inet, I knew in 5sec if we were much of a match, at least for me, and the rest was just fun time. There is just sort of a chemistry click, not to mention one just totally lied about her body type and rather annoyed me, and she had the best personality. 


I know the "coffee shop" thing is WAY too cliche for me to even consider it. However, I am adding up how much I am going to waste taking these ladies to dinner! LOL. OK, we all had a good time and I am certain every one of them had fun. One of them is really fighting with life struggles so getting her lunch was the least I could do. Makes me at least feel better about my own situation I guess. 

The latest one I met was actually in public and by pure "accident"....lol I like going to a a place alone to get a beer sometimes because they have a bunch and it is super laid back where I don't feel like a tool being there alone. Another woman showed up alone, minding her own business, and I guess worked at another location. I started chatting with her because we were both just there alone. I really was not trying to hit on her, just make a friend. Next thing I know, she is asking for my number, and went out with her and her friends the next night. But again, she is a 26yo! 

She is very nice, raised right, finishing school, etc, etc. But.....the reality set in when we were out and her married friend and I could carry a convo for hours. We just had more chemistry. There were ZERO lines crossed, and I think I was super chill with her knowing she was married and we all had a great time. BUT, as we ended the night, the married one mentioned I was really nice and insisted we all do a couples dinner the next night, and I was like "crap", I already know all I am looking for is a friend with this one, and she wants more than that. So I will eventually have to lose a friend to go out with.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Listen, bob, I know I come across with all the finesse of a sledge hammer, but I want you to know I think you are a nice guy. Maybe too nice, but nevertheless nice.
> 
> How about instead of taking them out on a regular date, you just suggest meeting for coffee? Granted, Starbucks can be a three-ring circus with a million people ... But are there any locally-owned, lower-keyed coffee shops in your area? I don't know if your dates entailed a three-course meal or just a snack, but I think it was very nice of you to pick up the check. Me? I tried online dating in its infancy. Although I had several guys take me to dinner, I wasn't comfortable with that. I suggested an afternoon coffee get together after two dinner dates.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

Start with a quick meeting for a coffee or a drink. Somewhere public, not too expensive, and fairly low-key. That firs "date" is just so you can both decide if the other person is someone you even want to bother having a full dinner with. If you click, set another date for dinner or whatever. If you don't, then you're both only out a few minutes of your time and the price of a beverage. Save the dressing up and paying for dinner out for someone with whom you share a mutual interest and a mutual chemistry. 

Have the initial quick in-person meeting within a week or so, max, of "meeting" online. Don't text/chat/talk for weeks on end first. All that does is set everyone up for disappointment if there's just no chemistry in real life. Online dating is a way to gain introductions, it's not a vehicle for conducting a relationship. Meet women online and move as quickly as possible into the real world. Chatting for weeks only to discover that she doesn't look like her pictures, lied about her age or weight, or just doesn't do it for you in some way - or that you don't do it for her - is a huge waste of time and energy that could have been better spent by you both in finding someone more compatible. So, skip the long, drawn-out, build up and get to the in-person meeting as soon as possible.

Oh, and if you're not interested in another date, tell the woman. It's rude to ghost people. You're a grown man; use your words. A quick message saying, "Thanks for meeting me for coffee (dinner/whatever)! I enjoyed meeting you, but I don't think we're a great long-term match. I hope you find someone who's perfect for you. Best of luck in your search!" Or something to that effect in your own words. Be polite. Be kind. But be honest and direct. If they respond back negatively, just ignore it and delete/block them as needed. But you'll probably find that many women appreciate you not stringing them along unnecessarily.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I know the "coffee shop" thing is WAY too cliche for me to even consider it.


Why is it not worthy of consideration? And what exactly makes it "cliché"? 

Better to DO something cliché, than BE a cliché ....


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, maybe it is our area, me, or possibly a potential partner, but coffee is typically for morning or day time and I likely cannot meet anyone until evening. There also seems to be a standard response among OLD and blind dates. "meet for coffee"...... Most people are on the go, ie, drink coffee on the go. I don't know anyone that sits at a coffee house drinking coffee....but not saying is doesn't happen. They are just different folks than I. 

Then the problem becomes, I drink beer, I love beer, and my potential partner will like beer too, so, meeting for "a drink" seems to be more fitting. However, 1 leads to 2, 2 leads to........ Bad things. I realize something needs changed in this chain! I do!

I guess I can meet someone for "a snowcone" and say I have to get going, or we can get lit up on snow cones. Seriously, it is around 100F here, a snow cone is proper!! lol

We also have some fun smoothie places that could work, but to be honest, I am probably a touch awkward at first meet, with people that are not a good match that is. I realize that with all my exes, there was ZERO awkwardness. It was all there from the start, so that is what I expect. Hell, the one I took home on the first night was that way. Super relaxed, like it should be. 

I think I let women direct me with "I should be available fri or sat eve". This may lead to a dinner deal. However, I met one, talked for 5hrs over only drinks.


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