# What do to think?



## Saabina (Oct 13, 2014)

Married 17 years. One great kid. Typical ups and downs; mostly ups. The kind of relationship where there is a lot of affection; or, at least, a lot of expressed need for affection by both my wife and myself. I am a successful artist, love to talk. She is has always worked in the corporate world and, while more communicative over the last few years, not always so. 

One of the recurring rubs in our relationship has always been that, over the years and with varying levels of success, I have often asked that she wear somewhat more sexy attire at home; perhaps a little makeup. She was fired from her job about a year ago. Overall, it was dealt with well emotionally. I enjoyed having her home more over the last few months as I am home most days. She started a new job a few days ago with (for the first time in many years) a male boss who she will work with on a one on one basis quite a bit. Here's my issue (and I am sure many of you can see it coming):

Suddenly, much more makeup in the morning, all new outfits, the perfect hair; overall a level of attention to her appearance beyond anything I have ever seen. My feelings:

Proud of her for getting new job and have told her so in many ways, but having trouble with the feeling of: "hey, why can't you do a little bit of that for ME when you are home?" There have been attempts at talking about this and what I honestly feel should be something that husband/wife should be able to discuss without fireworks has inevitably led to defensiveness and (most difficult to deal with and what throws up the red flags for me) complete denial that anything is different than it ever was before as far as how much attention she is devoting to her appearance. 

Thoughts? Thanks.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

When I don't have to go into an office for several days, I wont shave. Going into an office, I shave daily.

I'm not female. But I imagine most women would not want to put on makeup, do their hair and get dressed to the nines to stay at home.

Your wife now goes into work. Male or female boss, she wants to look her best. It gives her confidence. Especially while trying to navigate a new job where I'm sure there is some apprehension.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Be careful, or you will look needy and weak.


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## MNLawenforcement (Oct 8, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> When I don't have to go into an office for several days, I wont shave. Going into an office, I shave daily.
> 
> I'm not female. But I imagine most women would not want to put on makeup, do their hair and get dressed to the nines to stay at home.
> 
> ...


I'm the same way. I have to be clean shaven for work, so when I get time off, I don't even look at my razor until right before it's time to go back.

To the OP: You're on the right track in needing to talk about it. There could be a lot of underlying reasons that lead to the behavior. The key is to approach it in such a way that the person doesn't feel attacked or unloved (the famous "Oh, you want me to wear makeup? I'm not attractive enough for you?)

I don't want to try and psychoanalyze someone I don't know, but a lot of people (men and women) are really self-conscious about their looks and having constant reminders that they need to improve their aesthetic appeal (even temporarily through makeup) can trigger some major issues.

I hope you and the wife get things worked out.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The last time I plugged in the vacuum, it didn't ask me to wear make up or to wear sexy lingerie. Household chores do not have a dress code.

However, a job does. Employers actually have to PAY you to do a job, and sometimes that entails combing your hair and using deodorant. And, yes, even smile once or twice when you're there.

I think if you'd like to see your wife all dolled up, invite her out for a date night at a very expensive and posh restaurant. One that also requires you to wear a suit, tie, cologne...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Most people dress to impress? 

When you take her out for the evening, does she dress it up? 

Do you impress?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Phillyguy nailed it. As a woman in the business world, she knows that unfortunately, she will be judged for her appearance as much as she is for her abilities. 

Take her out on a date (maybe even tell her something you'd love to see her wear!) and I'm sure she'll impress you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

When I'm home, I don't have makeup on or get dressed up. However, whenever the occasion calls for interacting with people like a job, the makeup, the perfect hair, the clothes, the bells and whistles are all on, regardless if my boss is male or female. Which woman wants to go to work looking crummy? We want to look good and feel good. Our appearance makes our job easier. People that look attractive get raises and promotions more often. 

Also, companies have grooming standards.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

There could be more to it than just dressing to impress. The defensive harsh attitude is indeed a red-flag.

Time to snoop and see how 'friendly' their 1-on-1 talks are. You could be looking at an affair in its infancy.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

synthetic said:


> There could be more to it than just dressing to impress. The defensive harsh attitude is indeed a red-flag.
> 
> Time to snoop and see how 'friendly' their 1-on-1 talks are. You could be looking at an affair in its infancy.


I disagree. She's defensive because he is unreasonably making a big deal out of her dressing up for her new job. 

I may be wrong. We may or may not find out.


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## CardReader (Aug 15, 2014)

Also, just to touch base on another point. Depending on the makeup she buys, she may want to use it just for work or occasions to save money. 

I wouldn't want to "waste" product to just vacuum the floor or get sweaty while doing housework. Good makeup can be too expensive to just sweat it off.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Yeah f*** dressing up and wearing make up at home for every day things. So that when leaving the home, not for home. Home is a place to be comfortable. Of course starting a new job you will want to dress to impress, and in the type of job she has even more so.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

synthetic said:


> There could be more to it than just dressing to impress. The defensive harsh attitude is indeed a red-flag.
> 
> Time to snoop and see how 'friendly' their 1-on-1 talks are. You could be looking at an affair in its infancy.


Some serious paranoia here. She has been at the job for a few days, OMG are women not allowed to leave the house and go to work for fear that they will cheat?

So when my tall, sexy Superman goes of to work everyday in his expensive, well cut suits and aftershave am I supposed to go all crazy and think he is having an affair? 

Anyway first time poster with a provocative post, maybe, maybe not.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I can def relate to your feelings, completely understood.

However, I would tell you to just ignore yourself in this case. Your wife is just putting on the corporate act, everyone does it.

I would take other's suggestions seriously and ask her out on a date or some kind of event. See how she prepares then.

But if she doesn't, don't throw it in her face. Give her few chances.

Basically, show her how great of a husband you are and focus on your relationship. Don't worry about her job or new boss. She will do whatever she chooses and you have to be optimistic and positive about the whole thing.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

If this were me, I'd pay careful attention but not bring it up again to her. Her defensiveness could have many reasons, but accusing won't help you.

Particularly with a male boss, a female must dress and look the part. Men respond better to an attractive woman than one who didn't do her hair that day. That has been my experience in the corporate world. And if she wants to be promoted, she really needs to do this. Dress the part is pretty much a must in the corporate world. I've known many smart people who didn't get promoted because of how they presented themselves as well as people who really shouldn't be in a management or higher level role who didn't have the skills but looked the part. It is what it is.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> If this were me, I'd pay careful attention but not bring it up again to her. Her defensiveness could have many reasons, but accusing won't help you.
> 
> Particularly with a male boss, a female must dress and look the part. Men respond better to an attractive woman than one who didn't do her hair that day. That has been my experience in the corporate world. And if she wants to be promoted, she really needs to do this. Dress the part is pretty much a must in the corporate world. I've known many smart people who didn't get promoted because of how they presented themselves as well as people who really shouldn't be in a management or higher level role who didn't have the skills but looked the part. It is what it is.


Agreed, don't try to figure any of this crap out.

But it is the way it is.


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## Saabina (Oct 13, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses; food for thought on both sides of the issue. One other aspect of the situation that I did not make clear in my OP.

Compounding the problem (and probably at the root of it) for paranoid me is a dynamic that has existed as long as I have been with my wife; and one that we have tried to discuss with varying degrees of success. While I acknowledge that my industry (arts) is generally more "relaxed" than the corporate world, whenever she has occasion to be in my work environment (often) she is her usual warm affectionate self. However, the few times that I have been in her work environment, while I don't in any way expect her to be as relaxed as when she is at home, she seems tense, reserved and reluctant to show any type of affection; an uncomfortable feeling.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What exactly are you asking?

Because you started out wondering why your wife wears makeup to work but not at home and now you're wondering why she's tense at work.

Of course she's tense at work. It's called WORK...


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Be grateful. She is working hard to earn a living. It's not a walk in the park to be in the corporate world. I've been in the corporate world for over 35 years and also a professional painter (in your world of the arts and I exhibit). I work very long hours. 

Your wife was fired last year and she needs to build her confidence. One of the ways she can build her confidence is to look the part of success. Wearing makeup and paying attention to one's clothing is essential in the business world; whether your boss is male or female.

She is supportive of your work. She may be tense and reserve at times. This is the corporate world. Continue to be supportive, loving, and kind. She is a good partner in your life.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

My BF recently said the SAME thing to me. I had to work late....a meeting with the public. Normally I don't dress too fancy or wear makeup to work, but with these public meetings I have to. I came home all cute like and he pouted at me that I don't dress up for him. And I pouted right back at him that he never takes me anywhere to dress up for! LOL! 

He also doesn't get that I am not "me" on the phone when he calls me at work. YA THINK? I work in an office full of catty women who love to gossip and backstab. And he thinks I'm going to just openly chat with him while in my cubicle? NOT.

Don't get your feelings hurt over it, take her out, give her a reason to dress up.


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## Saabina (Oct 13, 2014)

"She is a good partner in your life." - Roselyn

Yes, she is. Thank you all for your responses.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck sir! Take her out to a nice dinner soon, to celebrate her first week at work. Go to a fancy-pants place, where you both can dress up 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Revamped said:


> The last time I plugged in the vacuum, it didn't ask me to wear make up or to wear sexy lingerie. Household chores do not have a dress code.
> 
> However, a job does. Employers actually have to PAY you to do a job, and sometimes that entails combing your hair and using deodorant. And, yes, even smile once or twice when you're there.
> 
> I think if you'd like to see your wife all dolled up, invite her out for a date night at a very expensive and posh restaurant. One that also requires you to wear a suit, tie, cologne...


This is the best advice. Give her a reason to get dressed up... She has a reason to at work. When I go to work I have to look professional -- at home it is gym shorts and a t-shirt!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

My wife works full time. She dresses very nicely in business attire. Once home, she often dresses for me: sexy, a touch of make up, bra less, tight tops and pants. She does that for me because she knows it turns me on. I never have to nag her about it. She gets turned on turning me on. That's a great marriage I have. Too bad the OP's wife, and most posters don't get it. No wonder some males are temped by other women...

And this other advice, about "giving her a reason to dress up by taking her to a posh restaurant..." is stupid and insulting to the husband!!

Surely the fact that he is her husband is reason enough, right!?!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Good luck sir! Take her out to a nice dinner soon, to celebrate her first week at work. Go to a fancy-pants place, where you both can dress up
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THE WORSE ADVICE ABOVE!

Yea, train her to get an expensive meal in exchange for dressing sexy for you....what a stupid and dangerous precedence!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER DRESSING SEXY FOR HIM, AND FOR NO OTHER REASON THEN HE BEING HER LOVING HUSBAND?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> My wife works full time. She dresses very nicely in business attire. Once home, she often dresses for me: sexy, a touch of make up, bra less, tight tops and pants. She does that for me because she knows it turns me on. I never have to nag her about it. She gets turned on turning me on. That's a great marriage I have. Too bad the OP's wife, and most posters don't get it. No wonder some males are temped by other women...
> 
> And this other advice, about "giving her a reason to dress up by taking her to a posh restaurant..." is stupid and insulting to the husband!!
> 
> Surely the fact that he is her husband is reason enough, right!?!


I guess it depends how economical you are. For me, I get home at 6pm or a bit later, putz around for 30 min, and then husband and I go to the gym. It would be a huge waste for me to change into sexy clothes, then gym clothes; to add expensive makeup only to sweat it off, etc. Luckily, my husband thinks I'm cute in work clothes, lounge clothes, and gym attire, and with or without makeup. 

And a full-time working woman who doesn't waste cosmetic products to look extra super sexy for her husband for a very brief post-work window does not give said husband a license to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah Walter, no point in doing anything nice for her because it might give the ***** the wrong idea.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> My wife works full time. She dresses very nicely in business attire. Once home, she often dresses for me: sexy, a touch of make up, bra less, tight tops and pants. She does that for me because she knows it turns me on. I never have to nag her about it. She gets turned on turning me on. That's a great marriage I have. Too bad the OP's wife, and most posters don't get it. No wonder some males are temped by other women...
> 
> And this other advice, about "giving her a reason to dress up by taking her to a posh restaurant..." is stupid and insulting to the husband!!
> 
> Surely the fact that he is her husband is reason enough, right!?!


You are a lucky man!

However, I'll wait for the post you make when you come back and say, "My wife USED to be so sexy! What happened?"

Life, my dear.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> THE WORSE ADVICE ABOVE!
> 
> Yea, train her to get an expensive meal in exchange for dressing sexy for you....what a stupid and dangerous precedence!!
> 
> WHAT HAPPENED TO HER DRESSING SEXY FOR HIM, AND FOR NO OTHER REASON THEN HE BEING HER LOVING HUSBAND?


WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR YOUR SPOUSE, TO MAKE HER WANT TO DRESS SEXY FOR YOU?

See, I can resort to typing in all caps like a petulant teenager too, Walt.

The woman was laid off from her job. I'm sure that was stressful of all involved. She found a new job. I'm sure that was a big relief for all involved. God forbid he take her out to a nice dinner to celebrate the new job. Yes that will set a bad precedent. Because she gets a new job, what once every few months. Sorry you found this advice stupid. No, not sorry.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

WalterWhite said:


> THE WORSE ADVICE ABOVE!
> 
> Yea, train her to get an expensive meal in exchange for dressing sexy for you....what a stupid and dangerous precedence!!
> 
> WHAT HAPPENED TO HER DRESSING SEXY FOR HIM, AND FOR NO OTHER REASON THEN HE BEING HER LOVING HUSBAND?


are you in your business suit and tie at home too? you should dress for her, you know...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm thinking boxer briefs.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> are you in your business suit and tie at home too? you should dress for her, you know...


My wife would only have to ask me once...I'd do it in a second if that is what floated her boat.

If you really love someone, you dress the way they love to see you...its a way for you to say thanks for adorning my sexiness.

This is really not so complex people...


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Yeah Walter, no point in doing anything nice for her because it might give the ***** the wrong idea.


You missed the point. I take my wife out A LOT to nice places, but not so that she dresses up for me. She dresses up for me just because it turns me on. She loves to dress up her body, because she knows and makes me crazy...love her!


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Revamped said:


> You are a lucky man!
> 
> However, I'll wait for the post you make when you come back and say, "My wife USED to be so sexy! What happened?"
> 
> Life, my dear.


You missed the point. Its about attitude. It's about wanting to turn the other on. My love for my wife will extend her sexiness decades into the future, and long after she loses her VS body. My adoration of her looks is just cream on top...it's not the basis or core of our relationship.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Eh, I like to be comfy at home. Hair done up, make-up on, nice clothes just aren't very comfy. I also have to spend time with my face clean and nothing in my hair or they will both get ruined. I'm not going to get all made up so I can cook and do dishes. If I have something special planned (even an inhome date) I'll get all done up. For work I get 75-85% done up but I have a casual office. 

If you love someone than you should understand that how they look naturally is the person you are going to be living with. Plus it makes the times you do get all fancy for a night out even more special.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Walter, you keep saying we are missing the point.

I have to say, to each their own...

Sustainability of sexiness versus the real world puts you at odds way below your current thinking. I give you kudos for finding a woman that will wear high heels while doing dishes. However, the time may come when she asks you to buy a dishwasher because her feet hurt....


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

And lucky Walter who has the wife with the VS body to dress up while doing laundry. I could blame genetics for the lack of mine, but I suppose I will just get pegged as a lazy butt who doesn't work out too. Stupid working out, not making me taller than 5 feet. LOL!


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