# Not happy anymore



## Mickeya1111 (Apr 30, 2019)

My husband and I have been together since we were 14 but have only been married 8 months. 

We are both 21 now and also just had out first child 7 weeks ago. The last two weeks I have not been happy at all in this relationship.

Some major issues I have is he lost his job because he was continuously late and called off when I told him a million times to be on time and stop calling off because he is the only one with a job while I am in school full time. 

Now it has been two weeks and he has only applied to jobs out of his league only in the field he wants to work in (IT) and went to two temp agencies which have not found any work for him. 

Another issue is while he’s not working I expected him to at least help out with the baby’s needs more but he does not. 

He will watch him while I’m sleeping and that’s it. I have to ask him a million times just to wash his bottles but usually I will have to do them all once every single one is dirty.

If I ask him to watch him while I pump, study or cook he acts like its a huge deal and tells me he has things to do (which is work on a video game he wants to make). The last major thing is he will not work on our relationship at all even when I have told him all my issues twice along with that I’m unhappy.

He just ignores me and continuously tries to have sex with me and when I say no he will get mad, say we never have sex (again I’m just about 7 weeks postpartum) and go back to hardly speaking to me unless we have to go run errands. 

I seriously don’t see how to fix it if he won’t even talk back to me and ignores everything I say. At the same time, I don’t want to get a divorce that will affect my child for life but I feel like that may be what it will come to. Any advice is appreciated


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It sounds like you married a little boy in a man's body. He may grow out of it, but it will take years.

If you divorce now, it will affect your child far less than if you wait for many years. Plus, if you wait, you will suffer longer with this man-boy.

Have the two of you gone to marriage counseling yet? I don't think counseling will help an immature man-boy, but it is worth a try.

Can you move back home with your parents?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

If you think a divorce is all that will affect your child for life, you are quite mistaken. What is the model of adulthood and maturity and family do you want to model and be modeled for your child? You are so young! Your whole life is ahead of you. And really, your baby is small and won't remember a thing from this time.

See if you can get him into marriage counseling. But... I hope I am not offending you, the timing makes it look like you married because you got pregnant. Does that maybe indicate he does not care much to be married?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

While it sounds like your husband is not doing his part, soon after having a baby is not the best time to make major life decisions / changes. Everything is in flux now, but might settle out better in a year.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> While it sounds like your husband is not doing his part, soon after having a baby is not the best time to make major life decisions / changes. Everything is in flux now, but might settle out better in a year.


That is a looooooonnnnngggg year if you are the only one hauling the load. I can't get with this advice.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > While it sounds like your husband is not doing his part, soon after having a baby is not the best time to make major life decisions / changes. Everything is in flux now, but might settle out better in a year.
> ...


Me either.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes. OTOH she has a 7-week old. I can't imagine it will make her life any easier to try to go through divorce / separation / breakup, find a new place to live etc, while caring for a young infant. If it were practical for her to leave earlier, I'd support it, but an infant makes it extremely difficult. If she is wealthy enough to hand off a lot of the work it might be OK.







NobodySpecial said:


> That is a looooooonnnnngggg year if you are the only one hauling the load. I can't get with this advice.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Yes. OTOH she has a 7-week old. I can't imagine it will make her life any easier to try to go through divorce / separation / breakup, find a new place to live etc, while caring for a young infant. * If it were practical* for her to leave earlier, I'd support it, but an infant makes it extremely difficult. If she is wealthy enough to hand off a lot of the work it might be OK.


I think more information about the details would make sense before coming to that conclusion.


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## Mickeya1111 (Apr 30, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> If you think a divorce is all that will affect your child for life, you are quite mistaken. What is the model of adulthood and maturity and family do you want to model and be modeled for your child? You are so young! Your whole life is ahead of you. And really, your baby is small and won't remember a thing from this time.
> 
> See if you can get him into marriage counseling. But... I hope I am not offending you, the timing makes it look like you married because you got pregnant. Does that maybe indicate he does not care much to be married?


We were engaged a year and a half before we got married but we did get married sooner after I found out I was pregnant


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Easy...there's a lot going on in your life right now, just calm down a bit. First, you've got two babies on your hands, one of them being 21 years old which is going to be a whole lot more to handle than your 7 week old. But that doesn't mean a divorce is imminently necessary.

IT is a good and secure field that will put money on the table for years so if he's qualified in that area then he should pursue it. However, in the meantime he should be working someplace, any place, to bring money into the household. Spending time developing a video game is similar to buying a guitar and hoping to be a rock star. 

As far as the rest you mentioned, most new couples/parents go through the same issues and you just have to work through them. Really, it's ok that you feel the way you do, just don't act impulsively right now.


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## Mickeya1111 (Apr 30, 2019)

I have a lease that isn’t up until January but after that I could move back in with my parents no problem they already help me a ton with the baby by watching him while I’m in class.

Also what I meant by not wanting to negatively affect my baby with the divorce is like having to only see his dad some days of the week and splitting holidays when he’s older, I also hoped to move out of state after graduation in two years which would be more difficult if his dad and I weren’t together.

Plus I don’t trust his family alone with my son after what his sister told me while I was pregnant about two of my husbands nephews, I’d be scared to let him go to their houses without me. 

That’s what worries me most is something happening to him when I’m not around and him being unhappy. 

That being said I understand what you all are saying that being in a happy home is overall more important, being around us fighting all the time wouldn’t make him happy either. honestly I just feel like a failure, neither of our parents are divorced and got both married when they were pregnant and when they were three years younger than us. I never thought my husband would act like this and lose his job right after we had a baby


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Whatever you do, make sure you're on birth control that works.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband is an immature lazy ass and this will just get worse.

About the best you can hope for is it to stay the same.

You've made a mistake and talking won't get you a thing.

Move back home, finish your education and dump his ass.

Do it and don't look back. 

Hell probably cry, beg etc but he's not going to change permanently.

You stay in this you'll be very sorry


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Oh boy, babies having babies.

As another poster suggested, make SURE you're using bullet-proof birth control if you're still having sex with this man-child you married. Just know that if you're nursing, you *CAN* get pregnant. There's a silly myth so many young women believe - that if you're nursing, you can't get pregnant. That's false - you can, so be sure to use birth control every single time. The *last* thing you need is another pregnancy.

You married a lazy CHILD who thinks you're his mommy. He's completely worthless and out of his element. He's too young to be engaged, much less be married with a baby. He needs to go home to mommy and daddy who obviously haven't been able to teach him responsibility or how to be a man.

Go home to your parents and be GRATEFUL that they're willing to sacrifice the freedom they've finally earned after raising you and your siblings for the last 20+ years. Instead of enjoying midlife and their own pursuits, they have to start all over caring for another infant and for you, while you're in school. My point is, be *grateful *and don't take advantage of them, or assume you're owed something just because they're your parents. They don't owe you a thing. So let them know you *appreciate* them and the sacrifices they're willing to make for you.

The likelihood of this marriage working is extremely low to downright non-existent.

Go home, OP.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He sounds very immature. But he is only 21. He may actually really grow up here soon. My DH was a total moron at his jobs until about this age he tells me. Then, he got serious, and has done nothing by skyrocket in earning and moving up.

Your entire world just changed, and that is for both of you. A month and a half isn’t enough time for anyone to be used to this new demanding little human that has essentially come between the two of you. 

I would not give up on my marriage this quickly. I would set a timeline for him to have a job by “Next 30 days”. If he is sitting playing with his video game while you need to do something, go hand him the baby and say “I’m getting in the shower.” 

Also communicate with him clearly and calmly all you are feeling. Set aside a specific time to talk about something serious. If you love him, and your vows were important to you, give this a bit more time honey.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mickeya1111 said:


> I have a lease that isn’t up until January but after that I could move back in with my parents no problem they already help me a ton with the baby by watching him while I’m in class. *Also what I meant by not wanting to negatively affect my baby with the divorce is like having to only see his dad some days of the week and splitting holidays when he’s older, *I also hoped to move out of state after graduation in two years which would be more difficult if his dad and I weren’t together. Plus I don’t trust his family alone with my son after what his sister told me while I was pregnant about two of my husbands nephews, I’d be scared to let him go to their houses without me. That’s what worries me most is something happening to him when I’m not around and him being unhappy. That being said I understand what you all are saying that being in a happy home is overall more important, being around us fighting all the time wouldn’t make him happy either. honestly I just feel like a failure, neither of our parents are divorced and got both married when they were pregnant and when they were three years younger than us. I never thought my husband would act like this and lose his job right after we had a baby


His "dad" really isnt even involved with him NOW, and he is completely self absorbed. I really dont think your child will be missing out on very much at all! You are married to an overgrown child. If you can move back in with your parents, I would suggest doing so as soon as is possible to arrange. Save yourself years and years of heartache.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

This is a typical situation that I’ve seen on some mom online communities.

You guys are so young, and having a child can be so overwhelming. It’s true when they say it takes a village.
This is also when marriages are tested. There are some studies where the first two years breaks many relationships. It tests your capacity to grow up and be real partners to share the responsibilities.

Also women’s body hormones are going crazy. There is a study showing how the oxytocin makes mom bond with the child but crazy protective, which makes her insecure and at the same time protective and reactive, and in need of extra support. In some cultures other women help in.
In the modern culture both wife and husband should share the responsibility. Unfortunately some men didn’t get the memo. Maybe he is not used to the idea, maybe he feels insecure too so he avoids them. Specially without a job he might feel like a failure.

I would advise you to join some mom communities and share your situation. Many has gone through this situation and might have some nice tips. I would say don’t make any rash decisions as 5e hormones and emotions can cloud your judgement. Try to get him to share the load too. It will be hard but you deserve a participative husband and your child a decent father. Give him time to digest it.

Even in our thirties I pressured my husband many times. I forced him to share the load. He got better at it eventually.

Get as much help from your parents as you can. If possible, some time for yourself to rest too. A longer bath, something relaxing.It’s very important that you can feel better and hang on. This is like a phase where you’re on a boat under harsh weather but eventually will get better.
If after some time nothing changed then you might have a hard decision to make. Until then ask for hlp. Advices from other moms. Your parents. MC.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Mickeya1111 said:


> My husband and I have been together since we were 14 but have only been married 8 months. We are both 21 now and also just had out first child 7 weeks ago. The last two weeks I have not been happy at all in this relationship. Some major issues I have is he lost his job because he was continuously late and called off when I told him a million times to be on time and stop calling off because he is the only one with a job while I am in school full time. Now it has been two weeks and he has only applied to jobs out of his league only in the field he wants to work in (IT) and went to two temp agencies which have not found any work for him. Another issue is while he’s not working I expected him to at least help out with the baby’s needs more but he does not. He will watch him while I’m sleeping and that’s it. I have to ask him a million times just to wash his bottles but usually I will have to do them all once every single one is dirty. If I ask him to watch him while I pump, study or cook he acts like its a huge deal and tells me he has things to do (which is work on a video game he wants to make). The last major thing is he will not work on our relationship at all even when I have told him all my issues twice along with that I’m unhappy. He just ignores me and continuously tries to have sex with me and when I say no he will get mad, say we never have sex (again I’m just about 7 weeks postpartum) and go back to hardly speaking to me unless we have to go run errands. I seriously don’t see how to fix it if he won’t even talk back to me and ignores everything I say. At the same time, I don’t want to get a divorce that will affect my child for life but I feel like that may be what it will come to. Any advice is appreciated


You had a baby 7 weeks ago and you have been unhappy 2 weeks.

If your body and mind weren't swimming in post-parten hormones, you would KNOW this is likely just a temporary dip. You may even have post-partem depression. Do NOT make any kind of life altering decision right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell him that although the position of baby was advertised, that the successful applicant had already taken up the job and that his application to work as a baby failed. And he is not baby of the house.

At 21 my grandfather and others in his generation were fighting in the trenches.

Your husband must grow up and start adulting.


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