# Emotionally unavailable..



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Friday I had another incident that really bothers and scares me, and really made me open my eyes to how little I get from this marriage when it comes to really emotional things...

Friday we were eating dinner, and honestly we had had a really good day. We are getting a new garage built and went for a drive around the neighborhood to look at siding colors we might be interested in. We were in the middle of dinner when very suddenly and shockingly I got a really bad headache. The worst headache I've ever had...and I've never had one come on so quickly. He kept asking me as it got worse and worse if I wanted to go to ER, if I wanted him to call 911, what I wanted to do and I could tell he was getting kind of paniky. 

I got my shoes on and told him to just take me. My head hurt so bad I was crying and whimpering...which when I'm sick or hurting I try my hardest not to do because I'm a "mind over matter, stick it out" kind of person. I don't like to draw attention to myself. 

Now, the whole time during this ordeal my husband was telling me to calm down, breathe slow, and all that but not once did he touch me. Even in the hospital when we were sitting waiting for the triage nurse to finish with one patient ahead of me, I was crying and shaking and he did not hug me, pat my back, rub my arm, or anything. He just stood there. 

It brought back memories of when my brother killed himself. He seemed to shut down then, too. He was not comforting in the way one would expect a spouse to be...it was almost like he was uncomfortable with physical contact at the time. But he did go into "business mode" and talked on the phone with the guy who was in charge of cleaning up my brother's "mess" at my parent's house because my mom and sister were too emotional to talk to the guy about it. He also took charge and called my sister over to our house so we could tell her the news because my mom left that up to me. 

He seems to get emotionally unavailable at the worst times. I realize men go into some kind of business-like mode when tough times hit (well, not all men but you know...) but really...to be that stand-offish physically at the same time your spouse is suffering or even extremely ill? To not touch her or hold her or show some kind of tenderness and love toward her...I don't get it. 

I do appreciate the business like attitude and taking care of things and stuff like that, but I still feel alone at those times and Friday really left me feeling kind of numb.

It really reinforces my fear of what is going to happen if something happens to me? What if I die first and I'm on my death bed...how is he going to be then? Am I going to regret staying with him because I'll feel so alone?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

When he's not in a high stress situation like that, does he show the attention, touchy feely stuff that you need on a normal day to day basis?

It sounds more to me that he has an inner mechanism that shuts off emotional connections so that he can deal with bad situations. He probably has no clue that he is even acting any differently. 

Did doctors find the cause of the headache? or just treat the symptoms? I could see fear of an aneurysm. I believe those can kill someone pretty instantly if bad enough. 

My guess would be, if you happend to die in a sudden way, then yes, your husband would probably be like this. If you die first and are on your deathbed...don't worry about how you'll feel alone. Know that you will be able to forgive him anything when it comes time for you to go. 

If you die of old age (most likely- honestly), or from an illness, etc, he will have time to come to grips with it. (Ie, not just learned about it in the past hour).. and he would be able to be there emotionally for you.

We can't pick when we go. We can only make the best we can for each situation. That was probably the best he was able to do right then.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not excusing his behavior but I've done this. Not now because I've learned to be emotionally available but in the past I would act just like this in a crisis. I acted this way because of my upbringing. I got yelled at by my parents if my help wasn't to their satisfaction. I learned early on to keep my head (and distance) in a crisis. Safer to take a hands off approach to helping. KWIM?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> When he's not in a high stress situation like that, does he show the attention, touchy feely stuff that you need on a normal day to day basis?
> 
> It sounds more to me that he has an inner mechanism that shuts off emotional connections so that he can deal with bad situations. He probably has no clue that he is even acting any differently.
> 
> ...


Chelle, thank you. I kind of feel the same...that this is what he is doing. I fear too much about the future I think, and I just really wish he would be more loving at times like this. But he does shut off those emotions that usually, for me, can be crippling and cause me to make mistakes or bad decisions.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm not excusing his behavior but I've done this. Not now because I've learned to be emotionally available but in the past I would act just like this in a crisis. I acted this way because of my upbringing. I got yelled at by my parents if my help wasn't to their satisfaction. I learned early on to keep my head (and distance) in a crisis. Safer to take a hands off approach to helping. KWIM?


Mavash...I'm sorry. I'm not sure what KWIM is...is it know what I mean? Yes, I do.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I can completely relate. Last year when I was diagnosed with three intracranial cysts, my husband barely batted an eyelash. (But he was quick to blame them for any fault in my personality or behavior - never mind the fact that I was also pregnant).

Then on Friday I went to the dentist and was diagnosed as having a mass in my jaw, (I've been having absolutely the WORST pain in my life - in my face). He didn't even look up at me to speak to me, or acknowledge me.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about wondering if he will be there for you or not, when you really need him too. I also have had the same thoughts numerous times, and I've been disappointed every single time because I had certain expectations of him.

Not much to do about it - if he's involved enough to be taking charge and making sure the business gets handled... Then he's at least doing SOMETHING to be supportive. My husband would just be a lost, helpless person who wouldn't have the first clue about how to act.

By the way, I am very sorry to hear about your brother... My condolences to you and your family...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

He took me to ER and then triage took me in the back and sat me in a small waiting room (with him) because they were so busy, they didn't have a bed for me. While I was waiting my headache mysteriously disappeared almost...I had taken two ibprofin and two midol earlier when it first started so I don't know if it was that but it got better. Then when I finally got a bed and an IV port put in, I overheard the nurse telling a patient that they were really busy and it was going to be awhile. I didn't want to be in there all night...we had too much stuff to do so I left before being seen by a doctor. 

I still feel 'something' in the area I had the headache and plan on going to my familiy doctor about it. They can send me for CATScans and whatever else they need to do to figure out what it was. 

I know, not smart leaving the hospital but I just did not want to be there and it had gotten better.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> I can completely relate. Last year when I was diagnosed with three intracranial cysts, my husband barely batted an eyelash. (But he was quick to blame them for any fault in my personality or behavior - never mind the fact that I was also pregnant).
> 
> Then on Friday I went to the dentist and was diagnosed as having a mass in my jaw, (I've been having absolutely the WORST pain in my life - in my face). He didn't even look up at me to speak to me, or acknowledge me.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are dealing with these medical conditions. It must be painful, equally so with not having the right support going through it. 

I don't know, maybe we need to shut off or severely tone down our expectations. Maybe that is what is getting us hurt. Not everybody is going to act like we think they should act, or how we would act in certain situations. Especially men. They do think differently than women. (most)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I think its insinctual with some people to just shut off emotionally in times like that because.. with some people .... nothing would get taken care of if both partners were an emotional wreck. He may have been more worried about making sure you were properly taken care of and doesn't realize you need him to comfort you as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It does sound like he was starting to panic and to avoid breaking down and being useless, he shut off the emotions so he could cope with the situation better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you tried to tell him that you appreciate his know-how about coping with situations like that, and that you'd like to ask him to add one more thing to his skills - hugging?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wanted to add, I agree with the other posters. Some people simple handle stressfull situations differently.

Last year we had a horrible life threatening incident involving one of my children. I won't go in to details as it is pretty upsetting to remember, but once I realized what was happening, whilst my H was holding my child and getting help, I got up and stood at the end of the room, and I just kept yelling, like screaming in panic. I just flipped out and allthough I could see what was happening, I felt like I was allmost detached from what was unfolding in front of me. Luckily some nice women gathered round me and comforted me but they had to TELL me to go over to my child when they had managed to get breathing again.

I was literally frozen in panic. My H called me on it afterwards and I was pretty upset like he thought I had done it on purpose. I really had not. My point is when there is fear and panic, people will react in different ways and often you do not know until something actually happens. I would echo what KathyBatesel said to reinforce what you WOULD like so if something happens again, it will be ingrained in there somewhere.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Day dream... normally i would say maybe emotions scare your H (both his own and other peoples)...i've known folk like that both male and female. He may not even realise what you want/need from him and may be more than happy to do what you want/need if only he knew what to do...and when.

BUT

In your case this is just one more thing that your H has done that is unloving and uncaring. At least he's consistant.

I'm sorry he wasn't 'there' for you when you needed an arm around your shoulders and your hand held. Marriage isn't mean't to be this.

Goodluck with your tests and the like. Have you ever had a migraine. They are hell!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Day dream... normally i would say maybe emotions scare your H (both his own and other peoples)...i've known folk like that both male and female. He may not even realise what you want/need from him and may be more than happy to do what you want/need if only he knew what to do...and when.
> 
> BUT
> 
> ...


I have had migraines. They ARE hell...and this was no migraine. I've never had a headache come on so suddenly and then just as quickly leave. Never one that painful either.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think us guys in general are built to "fix" things and this is the default role, but as I have learned over this past year, some women prefer that we become more like them and just listen, comfort and be more nurturing.

So when my wife had surgery earlier this year, I watched my sister in law and how she attended to my wife, when I was not. She is a very pro active person and stepped in where I would have naturally, but this also allowed me to observe some of those motherly type actions.

I started doing a few while in the hospital, and got some very big points. We can all learn.

Very Beta


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