# When does it stop hurting??



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm sure my story is the same as many on here. Last Wednesday was my D-day - 6th March.

The first sign I had was last November when I saw him texting someone and very quickly hiding his phone when he saw that I'd seen him. Cue bluster about he doesn't have to tell me everyone that texts him, and do I tell him about every single text message I receive or send.

But then the same day he was showing me some pictures on his phone and he very quickly flashed by a pic of a blonde woman. I asked him who it was. Cue panicky look and quick lie about it being the wife of a co-worked. Apparently they had been talking about their wives and 'for some reason' this guy had sent him a picture of his wife.

I sat him down and told him I wasn't bloody stupid and he had better tell me what was going on PDQ.

Eventually he 'confessed' that he had been exchanging texts with a woman he had met on a job, and with whom they had gone on. We had been going through a rough patch and apparently she had been a 'sounding board' for him, giving him someone to talk to. He swore that it was only texting and that I had to trust him.

I very reluctantly did trust him, as I had been the recipient of unwarranted mistrust in the past and it hurts like buggery. So I decided that I had to trust him, or what kind of marriage did we have?

Anyway, fast forward to last week. I had never really properly trusted him since then, and now and again I did a little poking around when he was out of the house. I found an email address, a house address, and half a dozen credit card receipts for cosy meals for two in the town where he told me this confidante lived.

I confronted him. Even then he only admitted to the meals. I actually had to email the OW to find out that it wasn't just meals, it had been a physical affair. She had no idea he was married, and she'd finished it before Christmas. She was mortified. I had to stand there and make him read her email before he finally caved and admitted everything.

I feel like someone has died.

When does it stop?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Just to add, he is extremely remorseful and is not justifying his actions at all.

Funny thing was, even though we were having problems before, these last couple of months things seemed to be getting so much better.

I now know that that was because his OW had finished with him so it seems he was turning his attention back to our marriage, which makes it all the more painful because things were getting better.


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## ader (Mar 7, 2013)

I am sorry to hear about what happened; it's a miserable situation to be in. I know all about it because my wife also had an affair in November last year and I suspected something was going on but whenever I asked her about the OM, I was met by a lot of denial and she called me a control freak claiming that I was trying to control her.

A month later she moved out and my suspicions were confirmed when I saw her in his apartment....I have been heart broken since last November, things got a little bit better now, but not all over yet. I am just taking everyday as it comes and hoping for the best. I have decided that I would never take her back if she ever comes back and I just have to go through this pain. 

The pain goes through many stages before you will finally accept what happened and move on but keep yourself surrounded by family and friends.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

March 6th, your early into this ride, so sorry.

Time is your best friend, it's time that will heal. How your husband handles himself will help some, answering your questions, not getting defensive will help too. But overall it's time. 

You will get through this but the pain will be gut wrenching at times, almost unbearable as you begin to hear the truth about your husbands actions. They call it a rollercoaster, and that's a very accurate description.

Your emotions will be ALL over the place, up and down, crying, hurting, angry, back to crying and then back to angry. This will go on for months, be prepared. But, like I said you WILL survive this. Over time the pain will subside.

Get counseling, work on you. Verify he's no longer in contact with her or another woman. 

btw, I am 9 months out past Dday and it's far better. Still not perfect, there are still bad moments, but not bad days. And the good outweighs the bad.


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

Sorry to hear you here
for me just about more then a year from DDay.
Still in pain, and sometimes very bad. 
But must amid, find no rest or peace as I see OW every day as she lives 5 houses from us and she keeps on pushing and playing and trying to get to him, in smart enough way that no legal action can be done against it. Just hope to be able to cope bit longer till we can move....


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....very sorry to hear that this has happened to you.

....it's been +17 years since my wife cheated .....and I experience 'pain' of some sort or another more often than I care to count. There will be good days, and there will be miserable days, and only time will tell how many of each you'll experience, or want to keep experiencing if the bad outnumbers the good. 

....what I can offer, from my experience, is NEVER take the blame for his actions ...not one bit ...EVER!! And never let a counselor try to tell you that ANY part of his actions were brought about by you. If you see a counselor and they go that route ...get up ...walk out ....that simple. Do not be a martyr or "take one for the team" ...there's no 'team' ...there's you. 

...taken me +17 years to learn this.....and I'm in an "extreme anger" stage right now because of what I just told you, and my wife never really taking responsibility for her actions. I was stupid and made it too easy for her to be off-the-hook.


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here with us, time is the only thing we have for now and just take it one day at a time. My DDay was June 9th and she left Jan 1. I've had my pain since June 9th and can't really say it has gotten that much better, sorry to say. It's hard to not have the pain when you really love someone and the stress is caused because you give a fvck about that someone.
Find comfort in family and friends, they will be there for you more than you think. I never realized how many friends I had until this happened to me.

One day at a time.


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## lucybrown (Mar 11, 2013)

I am sorry this happened to you, but I am ever so happy he was genuinely remorseful and willing to fight for your marriage. If he did not, it would tear you apart even more. Let him love you and give him your expectations and boundaries as well as you can explain.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

My immediate reaction was to tell him I wanted a divorce. I always swore infidelity would be one of the things I would never stand. I could never understand why anyone would take a spouse back after cheating.

This lasted two days. But then the pain of not being with my best friend, my soulmate, not having him to comfort me and make it better ADDED to the pain of the betrayal was too much to bear. 

The only thing I wanted (after magicking the whole thing away which wasn't going to happen) was to have him love me again.

So I found myself, instead of googling how to get a divorce, googling how to get over infidelity.

I asked him how long he would wait for me to decide what I wanted. He gave the right answer instantly: However long it takes.

Then I hated myself for being so weak and pathetic that I would eve consider taking him back after what he'd done.

So I drew up a big long list of conditions he would have to meet for me to even consider R. He's agreed to all of them. He despises himself and is gutted that he's done this to us.

I swing from being angry at him, to being so hurt I think I'm going to die, to wanting him to comfort me so badly I'd do anything, then back to hating myself again for wanting him.

I wish I could hate him but I love him so much. I don't understand why I'm reacting this way.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

D Day was Sept 1 2011. There has not been one day that I have not been in pain felt hurt and cried. That is 555 dot (days of tears) will it ever stop? I don't think so. The pain is too deep, the dreams are all gone, and the reality of the loss is too much for me to handle yet. To each of us it depends on who we are and what was important in the marriage.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

It stops when it stops. Not one minute before. Sorry , that's all I have. Best of luck.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

If you divorce, (no kids)the "pain" ends about 3-5 years....but the memory of it remains. I remember still smarting when I would see movies that dealt with infidelity and wanted to shut those off. 

If Recovering....I would venture to say never, I'm sure it dulls but "they" are the trigger.... 

. D-day was Feb 2012 for me and just today I had a flashback of him texting her while we were separated but waiting together in the ER while our son was admitted. I don't know why that memory popped up but it got my hackles up all over again like it was yesterday. I had a flash of anger and bitterness over the cruelness he exhibited back then. 

Heartbreak sucks.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Today was lovely. I had to go to the clinic for an STD check. Cue breaking into hysterical sobs and virtually hyperventilating in the waiting room while I was filling out the form. There were two little children asking their mummy "Why is that lady crying?"


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

(Warning: possibly slightly TMI coming up - sorry!)

God help me, I slept with him! On Wednesday evening I began divorce proceedings. I ordered the fixed price divorce service from wikivorce. It was actually easy. I’d already told him I was doing it, and asked him to transfer half of the initial cost to me. That evening I logged on to find that he had transferred the money.

So I ordered the divorce.

They sent me a questionnaire which meant me gathering some information from him, so yesterday I thought it would be slightly less heartless to go round and tell him what I had done in person rather than via text or email.

So I told him. We cried. We talked. We hugged. Then, to my horror, I felt myself feeling like I wanted to take him upstairs. I resisted, strongly. I knew it was a bad idea. But I started to touch his hair like I used to, then started to stroke his face, remembering how it felt to kiss him. He made no moves on me, but he didn’t resist when I kissed him. He kissed me back. He kissed me like he hadn’t kissed me in a long time. He kissed me like he used to when we first met. I started to cry. He hugged me and began to stroke my arm and hands and my face.

I kissed him again. He responded. The kiss grew more intense and we began petting. All I wanted at that point was to take him upstairs. I stopped. I had two voices in my head: one that said this was a REALLY bad idea, and the other that wanted to make love with my husband.

I dragged him upstairs, not that he resisted me. I said all the way up that this was a really bad idea. I told him to tell me to go home. He did. I didn’t go.

It was the best sex we have had in a long time, but afterwards I cried.

When I was leaving, I actually felt a whole lot calmer and happier. I felt that maybe this was something I needed to do to get it out of my system. I thought I’d be okay now. The hideous sick feeling in the pit of my stomach had gone for the first time since this whole thing began. I felt I’d be finally able to move on.

But by the evening, it had come back. By bedtime I felt sh!tty. I texted him. We text-talked for two hours.

I don’t know if it was psychological, me claiming back what was mine, or just wanting to feel wanted again, or some other reason, but all I can think about now is going back and doing it again.

It is SUCH a bad idea, I know it. Why can’t I stop thinking about him?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Well, I've just made an appointment to see my GP next week. Maybe he can give me some anti-D's to numb it all so I won't want to fvck my WH


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## frank29 (Aug 22, 2012)

Its your life do whatever makes you happy if you feel happy with him be with him but be on your guard and try not to take any crap or lies and lay down what you want out of life and him or treat it as an affair and see him now and again. It very difficult to let go and only sadness is in front for awhile but you can get over it with time not a fun time in your life i do wish you the best of luck


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Well, I've just made an appointment to see my GP next week. Maybe he can give me some anti-D's to numb it all so I won't want to fvck my WH


Robsia, I'm really sorry to hear what brought you here. Since my dday, I honestly can't believe how many people (close and not close to) have experienced infidelity in their marriage, and surprisingly some who still don't even know about it... It's so common, it just blows me away...

It's good that your H is saying that he is willing to wait for you to make up your mind about going ahead with your marriage, but tbh I would be skeptical, especially if the ow is still in the background? So I would sugess asking him to prove that he hasn't made any kind of contact with her, or other females before making your decision. I would ask him face to face, before he has a chance to delete anything or get suspicious, then you may get a clearer picture of what your future may hold.

As for going on meds, I'm no Dr but I would consider doing this very very carefully. I've known a couple of people who went on those and there whole personality changed and not for the better... Really consider it, that's all... And if you aren't already in counseling, definitely make an appointment, it will be your life saver...

The hurt/pain/embarrassment, just pure gut renching agony/betrayal that I experienced fromy H's affairs lasted for about 1month. 1month and everyday I felt sick. The next few months it was like every few days in the week I would feel 'sick'. Then months go by, months became a year and you find yourself not thinking about it all the time and the pain does lesson (for me anyway) Counseling was the key for me, that and really working on myself (inside and out) oh, plus I have children and two little babies that I had to look after, so life is busy for me.

Someone once told me 'there's no pride in love'. This person had been through infidelity in her marriage, broke up, got back together and have been very very happily married for 45 years... So, do what you want for your life, don't worry what others will think or say, it's your life to live.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

daggeredheart said:


> Heartbreak sucks.



.....I want that on a shirt or bumper sticker.!!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I don't think it goes away ever. It just changes over time.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Ovid said:


> I don't think it goes away ever. It just changes over time.



....no ...it never goes away. And if not dealt with properly (as in my case) .....it turns to extreme anger, and regret that so many years of your life, and potential times of happiness / enjoyment ...have been robbed from you.


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