# So exhausted from begging for affection!!!



## ebony1981 (Mar 8, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I am new here and my story is kind of long so I will try to reduce it as much as possible.

My husband and I have been married now for 19 months and boy o boy has it been a rocky one. There was some infidelity on his part and I've have since then forgiven him for it. There are a few areas that he has changed in completely and I am so thankful for that but there are some areas where he lacks big time. Affection is the number one contender.

My Husband was never much of an affection giver but I was happy with what little he was giving. However, at times he would stray away but i would always get him to come back into the marriage lol. As of lately, he has given 0 affection and I find myself constantly begging him for it and he makes me feel like I'm such a nag when I tell him how this is making me feel.

No hugs, no kisses, no cuddling ect. The only time he shows affection is when we are having sex. This is the most demeaning feeling that I have ever experienced!! Then he tells me that, "he can't see where he's giving me no affection". I really feel that because he doesn't see it, he will continue to not give it and then get aggravated when I mention it.

I was recently ill for about 2 weeks. i stayed home from work for a week and in that week, he stayed home with me once which was ok except the fact that he never held me or barely looked at me. He and I gotten into a discussion about him staying home with me and I said to him, "we were like two statues", and he took offense to it and His attitude went like this, "well, if we were two statues, how about I just leave and never come back until it's time for bed". I am still fighting this illness and yesterday i felt like He!!. i should have stayed home but i didn't because I had already been out for a week. I needed some soup and crackers from the store and I asked him if he could just go to the store really quick and he told me no, because he had his friend outside. I never saw him again until 1am.

I woke up this morning still feeling sick but i mustered enough strength to drive myself to work. He called me and asked if I was angry at him for something and I said, "no not really", and then he said, "well you just left out of the house and didn't say anything to me and you never like to drive in the snow". So i said to him, "you're right, I don't like driving in the snow but lately you've been off in your own little world so I have to get things done own my own". He took offense to that. He takes everything so offensively that it's not even funny.

Now I feel like I'm caught between a "rock and a hard place" because if I complain about these things, he acts as if it's such a big ordeal and I'm afraid that he'll just go and find someone who doesn't complain about it. Then on the other hand, If I don't say anything, our marriage will dye a slow death. Either way I lose!

Any thoughts?

PS: I have tried everything to win his love and affection but 
nothing.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. No offense, but this man is a selfish jerk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been married for 19 months and he has already cheated. Can you tell us more about his cheating. 

I will hold off on more input until we have more info on the cheating.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Out until 1am? Does he go out often? 

I agree that he's acting like a selfish jerk. I would question if he's still having an affair with another woman. His actions are not trustworthy to say the least.

I would of never given him a second chance at the marriage. I would of instantly left. I need affection too. Probably more then your average woman. The least he could do is go out and get you some soup. 

I really hope you feel better soon!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think a lot of times, we women hurt ourselves by thinking we need to be nice, and your post sounds to me like this is happening with your marriage. 

When you drove yourself and said that you're doing things on your own because he's off in his own world, you did EXACTLY what you need to do to break through his selfishness. You're seeing that when you withdraw and stop asking him to be there for you, he *does* recognize that he's letting you down. So what if he gets mad? Don't let his anger push you into accepting bad treatment and disrespect from him, and also don't let it push you into being disrespectful or blameful to him, either. 

It will be uncomfortable for you to continue to do this, but I think if you can treat him almost like a roommate - do the 180 - for at least a few weeks, you may start seeing important changes in him. If you don't, it may be time to seek a separation. (No, I don't recommend counseling because if he's unresponsive to the 180 he will not be motivated to be active and engaged with you just because you're in counseling.)


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

He is still having an affair.


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## ebony1981 (Mar 8, 2013)

@ EleGirl, 

There is this one lady that he has cheated on me with several times. I had an encounter with her once before we had gotten married but I thought that it was over.

I always felt like he probably was still seeing her because there were several instances when i would call him and I could never reach for at least 3 or 4 hours and then when I would get angry and question him about it, he'd get really upset, pack his things and leave. Then one day I had decided that I had enough and didn't let him return.

We got married August 1, 2011 and on September 26, 2011 I found out that he had cheated again. Then again in November, 2011 and this was with the same woman. In addition to all of that, I just recently found out that it was more than one woman. I found that out because he accidentally left his email open.

After all of this, i finally saw a bit of a change in him as far as being home more and always being available when I call him, but then he started coming home with scratches on his back and when I say scratches; these were scratches that suggests that someone had scratched him. In other words; they were 3 in row on the left and right side of his back. His response would always be, "I have dry skin and my skin tears that way, and it can also be the towel".

So far no more scratches because I told him, that if he comes in with another one, I'm leaving. He seems so unhappy but he will not leave. I think that he doesn't want to say it's over because he feels as though he owes me something. I feel tortured.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Stop begging, stop caring.

Go out. Stay out late. Have fun. 

Forget about him.

What do you want to bet that soon he'll be begging YOU for the time of day? And if not, well at least you're still living your life.

My husband is kinda like yours. He's just a selfish pr*ck who doesn't give a damn about other people. So I started going out nights and doing my own thing. He's still a selfish pr*ck and the only thing different is my life is a lot more fun now, lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> So far no more scratches because I told him, that if he comes in with another one, I'm leaving. He seems so unhappy but he will not leave. I think that he doesn't want to say it's over because he feels as though he owes me something. I feel tortured


Why are you waiting for him to leave? :scratchhead:

You need to start making decisions for yourself and stop relying on him to tell you what to do. Neither of you are happy, he's a serial cheater, and he treats you poorly. It's a no brainer to me. Why torture YOURSELF?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Please have some respect for yourself and dump this tosser - he's a serial cheater who doesn't even have the brains to hide his infidelity from you. Why? Because he tells you what to do and you do it!

I wouldn't want his love and affection - I wouldn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole actually. Do you think this is going to be better in five or ten years time? it won't be


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h slept with several women before, during and after we were married. Not once did he come home with a scratch on his back. The red flags were there hitting me across the head and I ignored them at first. 

I would highly suspect your husband is still being unfaithful to you. Don't ignore the red flags.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some who cheat either don't want to end the marriage or want the other spouse to end it so they can say "See, he/she ended it; not me."

What's positive that you are getting out of the relationship?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm stumped by the fact that you say you've forgiven all this. 

I think you're sweeping it under the rug. There's a big difference.


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## ebony1981 (Mar 8, 2013)

@KathyBatesel,

you're right! It's like, I see everything that's going on right under my nose but he seems to make me feel like I haven't given this marriage everything that I've go in me. I have to stop caring about what he feels and just stand up for myself.

I can go on for days about all the things that this man has taken me through and I sometimes wonder why I'm still there. If we broke up right now, I can honestly say that I've gained nothing but heartache from it and a depleted bank account


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

You deserve better. He is a serial cheater. Usually in the beginning of a relationship are when things are good. The hard work is when one has been married for years and things become routine. The fact that he is serial cheating during the honeymoon phase of your relationship isn't a good sign. 

The right man will make you the center of his universe and make you feel like the most special woman in the world. He will pursue you and want to spend time with you and to cuddle. Don't you want a relationship like that? Dump the loser you are with and go out and get what you deserve.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You married a cold aloof man with a high sex drive who craves Variety .... chances of him changing are likely slim.....his behavior right now proves how little he cares & just wants what he wants...

You will be beating your head against the wall to stay with this man.....sounds like he has no romance in him....Still playing the untamed Bad Boy....they suck as husbands... might be good for a roll in the hay ...but it ends there...

Your greatest Love Language is touch & affection...you crave it......doing the 180 may help some but you'll feel like your are dying inside acting this way, and probably have to do this damn "180 dance"... for the rest of your life to "pull him in"... and his cheating this early in the marriage... Oh my NO... you need to leave him ! 

Find someone more compatible with your Love languages...plenty of men who love to cuddle , hold his woman, reach for her hand & be by your side when you are sick... all women deserve this -if this is what they desire to give in return... Compatibility is huge here! 

Interesting article...giving the Genetic Factors, Physiological Indicators, Environmental/Behavioral Factors..of why Men cheat....and how to Lower this Risk... Will Your Man Cheat?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Slowly start to detach from this man by doing things on your own. He's a serial cheater, refuses to show you affection & doesn't take care of you when you are sick - very selfish - even a friend would help you.

You may think "Well, he's still with me & hasn't left so he must love me" which may or may not be true. He could be a classic cake-eater - has a nice wife at home who cooks & cleans (an example) - & can bang other women on the side. His lack of affection could be guilt based.

Stop begging & pleading for affection or anything really. Lower your expectations of this man & you will have fewer dissapointments. As you begin to detach, you will get emotionally stronger & decide if this is a man you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

Please do not have children. Your marriage isn't healthy enough.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think a lot of times, we women hurt ourselves by thinking we need to be nice, and your post sounds to me like this is happening with your marriage.
> 
> When you drove yourself and said that you're doing things on your own because he's off in his own world, you did EXACTLY what you need to do to break through his selfishness. You're seeing that when you withdraw and stop asking him to be there for you, he *does* recognize that he's letting you down. So what if he gets mad? Don't let his anger push you into accepting bad treatment and disrespect from him, and also don't let it push you into being disrespectful or blameful to him, either.
> 
> It will be uncomfortable for you to continue to do this, but I think if you can treat him almost like a roommate - do the 180 - for at least a few weeks, you may start seeing important changes in him. If you don't, it may be time to seek a separation. (No, I don't recommend counseling because if he's unresponsive to the 180 he will not be motivated to be active and engaged with you just because you're in counseling.)


And some of us men hurt ourselves the same way.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

ebony1981 said:


> @ EleGirl,
> 
> There is this one lady that he has cheated on me with several times. I had an encounter with her once before we had gotten married but I thought that it was over.
> 
> ...


I have no doubt that you are a very sweet, sincere, loving and forgiving person. Men like this choose women like you. I know because I am one of those women. My first husband cheated on me more than once and he did a wonderful job of covering it up. He would get angry at me and of course it was always my fault, he'd storm out. What I didn't know is he was either with a girlfriend or seeking a bed partner when he would get in these fights with me. Little did I know that I was trying to make up to the very man who cared little for me. It finally came out, he admitted after I caught him with another lady. Then I heard the lines, "do you think it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time?" or "Please wait for me, it's almost over," (referencing the affair). It broke my heart, we had 2 children together and he was my first love, my high school sweetheart. 

The lady he was having an affair with left him, he quickly moved on to the next sweet girl, married her and cheated on her the whole time they were married. He has been unable to be faithful to no one person.

Do not blame yourself but realize this man is not going to change. I say, once a cheater, always a cheater. Have some respect for yourself and get out. Find someone that does love you and is able to commit.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

ebony1981 said:


> @KathyBatesel,
> 
> you're right! It's like, I see everything that's going on right under my nose but he seems to make me feel like I haven't given this marriage everything that I've go in me. I have to stop caring about what he feels and just stand up for myself.
> 
> I can go on for days about all the things that this man has taken me through and I sometimes wonder why I'm still there. If we broke up right now, I can honestly say that I've gained nothing but heartache from it and a depleted bank account


So what is keeping you there? Guilt? Are you waiting to see your bank account depleted more? Trying to "show" him something he refuses to see? 

May I encourage you to read an article I wrote and figure out if you're making any of the three big mistakes? Top 3 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

ebony1981 said:


> My husband and I have been married now for 19 months...There was some infidelity on his part...at times he would stray away but i would always get him to come back into the marriage...I asked him if he could just go to the store really quick and he told me no, because he had his friend outside. I never saw him again until 1am...I have tried everything to win his love and affection but nothing.


Were you two ever really married to begin with?

I'm sure the paperwork was all filed nice and neatly, but what about the non-paperwork items? What about the vows? Did he really mean it when he said he would "love, honor, and cherish you and forsake all others for the rest of his life"? 

The guy started cheating on you before the ink was dry on the license.

He can't be bothered to store for you when you're sick, because he doesn't want to keep his "friend" waiting.

He treats you like ****.

You may be married legally, but I don't see any evidence that he ever committed to the marriage. This is not what marriage is supposed to be about. Honestly, you should take a hard look at your situation and ask yourself: "am I really married?"


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Any Children Yet ? If not get the hell out before you really get boxed into a corner. This D Bag has no concept of marrage I can't see an EA but more than 1 in less than 2 years Wake the F UP 

Strong enough advice ?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Any Children Yet ? If not get the hell out before you really get boxed into a corner. This D Bag has no concept of marrage I can't see an EA but more than 1 in less than 2 years Wake the F UP 

Strong enough advice ? ?


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