# Nowhere else to turn...



## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for about 4 years and have a beautiful child together. Our first year together was fantastic but since then, things have fallen apart. I filed for divorce last year and that made things worse. We decided to drop the divorce and try to work on our marriage and things were great for a few months but now they are getting worse. He is not physically abusive at all, has never laid a hand on me or our child. But, he is a very opinionated person, which there is nothing wrong with that, but I have to pretty much agree with him on everything or he gets upset. Since I file for divorce, we have two checking accounts. He keeps very little in my account, only enough for groceries for the household. Never enough for me to buy any clothes or anything that I want. HE, on the other hand, buys anything he wants with no negativity from me. He has the mentality that "he is man...and I do as he says". I am not allowed to visit my family out of state because he says he doesn't trust me. He doesn't trust me because he THOUGHT the reason I filed for divorce was because I was cheating, which I have NOT. I filed for divorce because I was tired of dealing with his everyday attitude towards everyone, especially my child and I. I think he is bipolar or has some disorder but he says that I am the one with the issues because I cannot handle him.

Anyway, since we dropped the divorce, I have no access to money unless I ask him, he pays all of the bills and I can't access any of those bills online, he keeps track of who I talk to...He checks my cell phone and the house phone when he gets home. I have had to end my friendship with my best friend because he was upset that she and her husband were going to let me live with them until I could find a decent place for my child and I. I have not spoken to her in months. I have cancelled my accounts with "social networks" but yet he is still on. When I was on the social networks, he questioned who everyone was, wanting to know if I ever had "relations" with the guys on there, etc. But yet it is ok for him to have the accounts and have "friends" whom he has dated, slept with, asked out or fantasized about. 

He does absolutely nothing around the house except for making sure the vehicles are running and he half*ss mows the lawn. I do everything else. He never cooks, never does laundry, hardly ever helps with our child, etc. He doesn't even help out really when I am sick...But when he is sick, the world must stop turning because he has a cough. 

On to the sex issues...When we have sex, it is ALL about him...ALWAYS. Not to get into too many details as I don't know what this site allows but there is one position that does absolutely nothing for me and he knows it but yet that is the position that he always wants. Because it is better for him. There is no love and affection whatsoever from him.

I honestly feel like I am at the end of my rope again and don't know what to do. I had to sign a prenup before he would even marry me (1st sign there). I had to sign a prenup because of his EX wife and her taking him to the cleaners. I kinda understand now because he isn't a "marriage is 50/50" kinda person. He feels if I don't contribute monetarily, I don't deserve anything. I don't work because he won't really allow me to work. But he will deny that. Everytime I say that I have applied for a job, he reminds me of all the reasons for me NOT to get a job. Making me feel guilty for not spending that time with our child...we'd go in debt paying for daycare because I would never make enough money to break even.

I do not know what to do. He has everyone believing he is a angel and I'm the bad person. Anyone have any guidance? Or is there anyone that I can just talk to to try to figure out what is best for me. I swear, he has me wanting to seek help from professional. Speaking of professionals, we did the marriage counseling sessions for WEEKS and every week, he was upset that the counselor told HIM to change his ways and never told me to change everything. And...He has never shed a tear over loosing me. He would rather be married and have someone to control than be alone. HELP....Anyone....Sincerely....


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

He sounds like a selfish pr*ck.. like my H. I could have written what you have said, except I would need to add in a few more issues.

My STBX worked, while most of the time I stayed home with the kids. He would cash his checks and keep it ALL in his wallet. I would literally have to beg for grocery money, bill money, money for medicine for the kids, lunch money for the kids at school.. ANYTHING. Mine was also selfish during sex, it was like I was his tool to "get off" and there was no happy ending for me... it was all about him and what he wanted.

When my H and I were in MC, it was much the same way... the MC told my H he should be in sex addicts anon.. and that he needed lots of individual counseling. This seriously p*ssed my H off and made him feel like the therapist was only on him to change and not me. He got very defensive and to this day refuses counseling saying its a waste of money.

Your H is emotionally abusing you. Which in most cases is worse than physical.. He is also controlling and financially abusing you. 

My advice... GET OUT! Surround yourself with a stable support system.. reach out to friends and family. Go to IC and try to find a way out. Reach out for help its out there! Send me a private messege and I can give you some tips as to how I got out of my marriage. Its not easy... but in the end its worth it, you should not be treated this way, and you don't deserve it!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Your H definitely has control issues, and does not trust you for whatever reason. 
My question is this, did he show signs of controlling and demeaning behavior prior to getting married or did this happen over time after?

Nobody has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do. I don't want to tell you to give up on your marriage, but if you have expressed your feelings and he disregards them, then it might be time for you to re think wanting to work through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

He is very controlling but he says that I am the controlling one. Just this morning, he told me that we need to set a date for US to visit my family out of state. Until I filed for divorce, he was perfectly fine with me going to visit my family with our child but now, he refuses to let me take her out of state without him. I have done everything possible to make him happy and he still wants to control me. He said that I can go visit my family anytime I want, I just can't take our child. And I refer to our child as our "child" because I am afraid that he will somehow find my posts and ridicule me for being on this website. Anyway. By him saying WE will go visit my family, it's him controlling again what I do. He's using our child as a leveraging tool...Just as he accused me of doing with our child last year. I have NEVER used our child as a leveraging tool...Why is it ok for him to do so and him not see it. I normally visit my family for a couple of weeks at a time, several times a year. I haven't seen them now since late last year. He seems to think is perfectly fine for our child to see HIS parents every week but not mine. And the funny thing is, up until I filed for divorce, he loved my family and always talked about how much my family does for our child and his parents didn't...Now, he could care less about my family. If he goes with us, he will control the amount of time I spend with my side of the family and that doesn't seem fair to me. Heck, I see HIS family more than he does. It's just control. 

I have tried to make our marriage work and he doesn't get that him being like this is just going to push me away. I know if I mention counseling again, he will just tell me every reason in the world why we should not do counseling, money, it being one-sided, etc. I do love him but some days, I wonder why. I get so anxious and nervous when he brings up us visiting my family. I get nervous when I don't hear from him throughout the day, thinking that I have done something wrong, knowing good and well that I haven't. He makes me think that I am the crazy one...That I am the one that has the problems. I am a stay at home mom, which I love, but he says that I don't contribute. I feel being a full-time stay at home mom IS contributing. Anyway, I can go on and on and on about this. I just have no clue anymore of how to handle the situation. 

I tried leaving and the friend of court and judge kept our child and I understand the same roof which ended up being h*ll! My attorney is suppose to be the best child custody lawyer in the area but I feel he didn't do what I needed done, of course, my husband kept me so emotionally confused that I just dropped the divorce, hoping things would get better. I was a fool... Anyway, like I said, I could go on and on and on about this.


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

To Delinquentgurl...I did not see this until after we got married. We only dated for a few months before he proposed. It just really built up over time. I kinda saw before we got married that he had the mentality that it was his way or no way with his friends and family but he didn't act like that towards me until about 6 months after we got married.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Yes, you need to RUN away from this selfish person. As much as I want out of my marriage and have little respect for my wife, I do not treat her like that. We're still fairly civil to each other and share one account. I am the sole income in our family and until we're divorced, it's "ours". Not mine.


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

Rider03...I would run but he has threatened to have my child taken away from me. Just because he makes the money and has a home. He tells me that I have nothing and will never have anything without him. Mind you, I have working since since I was 15 and had a fulltime job when I met him. We got married, got pregnant and then I was laid off. Since then, I haven't really worked, except for some sales stuff. I just wish I could find an attorney that would tell him to hit the road until I can find someplace to live. His family is local and mine are 1000 miles away. Problem is, I signed prenup and it states that the house is his. So I have no where to go. He's threatened that if I leave with our child again, he will call the police and have me arrested. I don't know...


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

And another thing. He removed his wedding ring last year when I filed for divorce. He finally started wearing it again the first of the year. Then all of a sudden, it hurts his finger and he stopped wearing it again. He's still on the social websites, has numerous email accounts and talks to I know at least one single woman that he has teased me about in the past. He told me that if things didn't work out, he would move her in. She and I have become kinda friends lately because of him. I just still can't figure out why he is not wearing his ring and why it is ok for him to be on the social websites and texting and emailing "women" friends. :scratchhead:


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

You need an exit strategy that includes a job with your own income. He's not salvageable and things aren't going to get better for you in that marriage.


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

VLR...See that's one problem. I have been trying to find a job for 2 years. I either have too much experience or it's the fact that I don't have a degree. I have tried everything from my previous profession to even working at a fast food restaurant. I just can not get a job. I am currently trying to build up my client base for a popular at home sales company. I can't do much right now as far as interviews and phone calls as I don't know when I'm being tracked. How pathetic is that? The only sitters that I am allowed to leave our child with are his parents. I won't "approve" me to leave our child with anyone else. Control. It's like I'm stuck in a big pile of poo, spinning my wheels.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Does your family out of state understand your situation? Would they help you transition out on your own? Once you are divorced he will have to pay you alimony, etc, but you have to have a place to go. Is it safe for you to file first and expect him to go find somewhere else to live? He sounds like he will not pay you until ordered by the court and I don't know whether or not he is dangerous. Are you strong enough to stand firm in a divorce and is that a safe thing for you to do?


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