# What are your views on keeping in touch during the day - phone calls



## aine

My husband and I have been trying to work things out after years of him taking me for granted I emotionally detached and we have fought a lot over the last year or so. I still have decided what I am going to do about the future, keeping all options open as I know I don't have to make plans right now.

He told me the other day (after having some drink) that he knows he has not respected me and he wants to be a better man ( i am not holding my breath on that one till I see action) and that he cannot live without me, blah, blah blah (sorry for the cynicism but I am jaded).

One thing that really irks me is that he rarely calls me when he is working or travelling. I am lucky to get one call a day or every two days. Mind you I don't call him either and if I am being honest I don't have much to say to him, he does all the talking (my problem). I have brought this up before and he says he is usually very wrapped up at work with meetings etc.

It bothers me as he is away 50-60% of each month as it is and works very late, so it is difficult to work on a relationship is you don't see each other or have much contact. 

I can understand that but to me it means I don't cross his mind very much, the sad fact is he crosses mine too much. I know every couple is different but I would like to hear from working husbands especially as to how often you would call your wife during the day or does it matter?


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## optimalprimus

if it is important to you, you should ask him to ring more often. But you should also try to bring more to the conversation.

I'm not a big fan of routine calls during the working day - I'm busy and theres not usually anything to say that can't wait til we're together. 

But if he is away then it is important to work on maintaining that bond. You need to do more of the talking though - I got sick of phone conversations with one ex who just liked to hear me. It drained me tbh.


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## aine

optimalprimus said:


> if it is important to you, you should ask him to ring more often. But you should also try to bring more to the conversation.
> 
> I'm not a big fan of routine calls during the working day - I'm busy and theres not usually anything to say that can't wait til we're together.
> 
> But if he is away then it is important to work on maintaining that bond. You need to do more of the talking though - I got sick of phone conversations with one ex who just liked to hear me. It drained me tbh.


Thanks for that. I know what you mean. i am a very talkative person by nature but let him talk as its always about him, his work, his problems, etc. I have learnt over the years that what i have to say is not so important to him so I have shut down. I share that with my friends instead. Perhaps the problem is me.


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## TakingSteps

Personally speaking, if my wife asked me to do that while we were together, I would have just explained that it's not something I can really fit in within my workplace. Every workplace is different, and some people at my work are more comfortable than others being kissy-kissy down the line to their loved ones.

It can't hurt to ask if he has the time for a call on some workdays, though, and see how he reacts. But I wouldn't get too upset if he says it's just not something he's comfortable doing.

If you feel what you have to say is not so important because of how he reacts, I would express that feeling to him. I would also suggest looking into ways to find time to talk to him when he is not busy with something - perhaps instead of approaching him when he is doing something and throwing a conversation at him, just say "Let me know when you have a minute, I feel like having a chat." Then he can finish what he's doing and turn around, head to you and know that this is a designated time for talking about whatever. I believe guys work better that way, when they are ready and can make time. It shouldn't take too long for them to finish whatever they are doing (well, assuming they aren't doing any major time-dependant DIY or whatever, obviously) and then make that time for you.


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## Mr. Nail

aine,
Your situation is not so different than mine. What you are asking for is not unreasonable. Some regular talking time to help you stay connected. My Wife and I have alternating shifts so when she is at work I am sleeping, and when I am at work She is sleeping. So calling from work is not the problem. Finding a time to cal is the problem. Our solution (that will probably not work for you) is to talk while she is driving home. (yes she has a hands free device) That gives us 15 - 20 minutes per day. 

The truth is we don't talk about a lot of important things. It is the regular contact that is important. If she has to work an extra half shift we miss that call, but usually make it up by having lunch together. Mostly I would encourage both of you to work to find a regular communication time. It's a healthy habit.
MN


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## EnigmaGirl

I'm a working wife...not a husband but I think it depends on the job. Most days at work, I don't have time to make even the calls I'm supposed to be making for work, let alone personal calls. Some days are so hectic that I barely have time to step into the bathroom.

My husband also has a very busy career so I wouldn't even bother to call him unless its an absolute emergency. If there's a piece of information that I want to tell him before I forget, I email him so he can read it and deal with it when he has time.

When we're travelling though, we make a point to call each other at night and talk for at least an hour to catch up. I don't think its unreasonable for you to expect that at all. There's not much reason why he can't call you from the hotel after he's back in his room for the evening.

One thing I can say is maybe its the type of conversation you're having. I know when I've had a long day that sometimes I don't want to certain family members or friends because they're bugging me with gossip or trivialities that I'm too mentally drained to bother listening to....so I often won't answer the phone if they call. I'm not suggesting what you're saying isn't important...only that maybe it might help if you compartmentalize certain conversations for friends/family and certain topics for your husband.

When I think about it, my husband and I talk a lot about work and give each other suggestions on how to handle situations there. I think it helps that we're both in similarly busy careers with similar challenges...it makes it very easy for me to understand what he's dealing with. I think you might just be having a harder time because you don't have the perspective of what his days are like. 

I can tell you that some jobs just don't allow you a lot of downtime. If he's in that type of job, I'm not surprised that he isn't able to talk as much as you'd like. I wonder if having another social outlet might help?


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## GusPolinski

While we don't call each other very often (notable exceptions are when I'm working out of town, and then it's maybe 2-3 calls per day), we do text quite a bit...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/251985-sooo-whats-your-number.html


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## mjalex

Especially if he's away a good portion of the time, communication is very important! Perhaps you can try and establish a time to talk together, even if it's just ten minutes a day, on a daily basis. That way, you can reconnect and feel closer together. A schedule can be helpful, considering he seems to have a busy schedule.

Every once in a while, don't be afraid to have some fun. Life isn't easy, but it takes it's toll if you only talk about problems, finances, etc. Find common ground and regain that friendship by talking about topics you both enjoy! It'll make it more pleasing for him to chat with you,and could clear the air, setting a more positive path for your relationship.


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## aine

Thanks for all your replies which are very insightful. The work I do (academic) is very different from what my husband does though I can talk about his work, give advice etc as I used to work in industry. 
But therein is the problem, I don't want to talk about his work all the time, (and that is all he does, work, work, work) there has to be something else. I rarely talk about home, kids, etc or bother him with any of the issues as I know he has a stressful job. 

I think it is very difficult to have a connection without intimate conversation, that is my issue. The less you call, text etc then both are like ships passing in the night. Staying connected requires hard work and I am not going to chase after someone if they are not bothered to meet half way tbh. Then it makes me wonder, why does it have to be hard work if we both really cared about each other, maybe we don't? 
I have posted another thread on the difference in needs.


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## Thundarr

Aine it seems like the real issue is that you don't feel connected or like he wants to be connected. The problem is that we can't read minds so you can't know why he's ok not calling as often as you want and he can't know why you want him to call more often. The best thing to do is to tell him you want more frequent calls and tell him why. Then the ball is in his court to meet your need or not.


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## Orange_Pekoe

I used to work at a company, and it bothered me that my husband wouldn't call me or email me every day. I thought to myself, "If I have time, he has time. He should make the time." And I said that to him.

Now, I work at a different company. And the environment here is different, so I cannot easily get away from my desk to make a call. I can email, but only because I slack sometimes. If I had a better work ethic, I would have no time for emails either.

My point is this: While he is at work, if he says it's hectic, then believe it. He truly might not be able to call you. Don't feel bad. BUT...when he's off work (in the evenings) there's no excuse. I can make a quick call to my husband right after work, when I'm driving home. Even two minutes.

You should put effort in to the conversations as well. Pay attention to your tone of voice and what you say.


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## T2shay

First I am not a husband nor separated from him. Second, I am glad you are trying to work on your marriage.

I do not have time in my day to call my husband. I get a 30 min lunch that I sometimes take other times I don't have time to do it. When I do take a lunch I will call him or send him a text but he works too so when I get a lunch, he may not. If you have been with someone for a long time, there isn't a whole lot of "new stuff" to talk about. You have to find something to talk about. Maybe you saw a weird thing cross the road or a funny thing happened on your way to the bathroom at work. Who knows, find something, research a joke or two on the internet. The one thing about making a relationship work you do have to put alot of effort in it and then keep that effort. If you guys plan a date night, actually prepare for that date night. Research all the hot topics with celebrities, politics, sports etc. Make sure you stay up with what he is into so you have some really good conversation. 

I do wish you the best of luck.


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## scatty

Is there any way to reduce his work related travel? It is tough to connect when you don't see each other for days. Maybe just let him know how good it makes you feel to hear his voice and make fun plans on when he returns from a trip. Good luck!


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## aine

scatty said:


> Is there any way to reduce his work related travel? It is tough to connect when you don't see each other for days. Maybe just let him know how good it makes you feel to hear his voice and make fun plans on when he returns from a trip. Good luck!


No, his travel is an important component of work as he is in charge of a geographical region and must go to those offices. I don't see why these big companies don't use more Skype/ video conferencing etc but that is just the way it is.


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## McDean

Funny, I have always liked to touch base with my wife once or twice per day even when I don't travel. Ironically she found this overbearing or controlling for some reason, though I never had that intent. She has been sick the last couple years and part of my first text/call of the day was simply to check in on her....guess it proves everyone is different.

however, your expectation is fine, it's how you feel. Depending on his role however it may be true that it is difficult but I find it hard to believe he couldn't squeeze in a text etc....


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## optimalprimus

McDean said:


> Funny, I have always liked to touch base with my wife once or twice per day even when I don't travel. Ironically she found this overbearing or controlling for some reason, though I never had that intent. She has been sick the last couple years and part of my first text/call of the day was simply to check in on her....guess it proves everyone is different.
> 
> however, your expectation is fine, it's how you feel. Depending on his role however it may be true that it is difficult but I find it hard to believe he couldn't squeeze in a text etc....


On balance i think it is good to get in touch during the day, but being respectful of your other half's situation.

Recently i have been busy at work, and when i talk to my wife i often (to me) come across as not making time for her. That is not good on either side. I have many good qualities and i work to have the best for us but my wife deserves to have my attention above other things.

Until she gets unreasonable


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## WorkingWife

I can't imagine my H not calling every day, probably a few times a day, if he was traveling. That seems odd to me for a husband to go a whole day without calling once, but maybe it's more common than I realize.

My H and I usually both work from home, but when I have a client out of the house we usually talk:
1. When I get there safely (or I might text at this time)
2. During my lunch break
3. Before I leave
4. Often during other breaks if I get any.
We only talk a minute or two, and I usually call him but only because I'm the one who knows when my breaks are. He has asked me to call and is waiting to hear from me.

If he's out running errands I'll usually get 2 or 3 calls from him during the course of the outing. Usually promted by "hey, do you want me to get you ____?" And almost always when he's on his way home. But a lot of the time, just something like "Guess what I just heard/saw...."

LOL - he's out right now. Just called me to complain about the wait at Costco and to see if I need anything.

When I travel for business I give check ins every time I make a milestone in the journey (I've landed, still alive, in a taxi now, at my hotel, etc.)

Our conversations are usually pretty short. 2 to 5 minutes. It's funny, one of my marital complaints is that my husband does not like to talk for the sake of talking. I don't think we've ever had a 20 minute conversation just the two of us. He's not into deep, philosophical conversations, but he stays very connected with me when we are physically apart.

He also talks to his mom on the phone anywhere from 3 to 10 times a day, but always very short 1 minute conversations. Usually because they're watching the same sport on TV. (My mom wishes I'd call her every day but I can never get off the phone when I call her so I put it off as long as I can.)

He just called again from Costco. (Now he's starting to bug, but I do get a new electric tea kettle for my troubles.)


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