# Well i've done it...



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I asked him tonight about us again and told him what are the chances that he will change his mind to be with me in the next 2-3 weeks when we have been separated for close to 3 months now and he is still confused.

He agreed that it is not fair to me to be waiting like that and also that he misses the kids a lot but not me...I told him that it seems that when he sees me he lightens up and there is something for me but than he goes back and turns into a stone again.

He told me he will tell me next Wednesday his answer.....OMG...i can't believe it...i feel like i am waiting for my sentence...i'm crying like a baby right now...it's so hard,God give me strength.

I told him that i have been trying hard and i stand behind everything that i have said or promised and I will change whatever it needs to be changed BUT it seemed like he has strong opinion about how things are not good and not going to be...i don't think there will be a positive outcome,i'm almost sure...just from the way he talked to me now.

It's hard because i had to hear one more time" my feelings went away a long time ago for you" WTH?! I didn't see that ...how is that possible,he's been telling me he loved me until the day he told me he wants out....i just don't get it.

He still told me he is unhappy and he is not sure if it's due to his work or our marriage.
I told him that it is great that he goes to therapy but i don't see that they discuss our marriage therefore he is not doing anything for us but only for his own happiness.

I asked him to think really good on what he is doing because once he says it's over there will be no way back for him...he said he knows.
So we are not going to talk on the phone until the day of my sentence.Only emails he said.


----------



## drgonzo (Feb 17, 2011)

It is scary how similar my situation is. She told me by the end of next week she should know what she wants. Meanwhile she's been meeting men from the internet for sex. Why am I waiting for her to tell me? It like waiting for a sentence. I begged, said I'd do anything, change anything. She says it might just be a personal crisis, and she needs time to think. I've been so civil and supportive. Don't they have any idea what it is like to be the other person! And I got the "not IN love" speech, a few days after we started planning our vow renewals. No idea any of this was coming, and I never imagined how cold and brutal she would become.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Oh I am so sorry. This sounds so much like me situation so I know how your stomach is churning. 
I also had (I thought) a great relationship with him up until he left. We had great sex, he told me he loved me a lot. How on earth could he have been so unhappy & I had no clue?

I doubt our husbands have truly thought about what will happen 6 months from now. Mine said we had different expectations. I said yeah I expected that we were working hard now but it would pay off & we would have our own house within 5 years. Now it looks like we'll both be stuck renting apartments for the foreseeable future. 

They are imagining life will be so wonderful without the burden of the wives & children. Even though they say they miss the kids & are there for them, they do not help with the daily stuff, school, doctor visits etc. So yeah they get to be there for weekends & short visits, but not for tantrums or when the kids are misbehaving. 

At some point they'll realize what they threw away. You never know what you had until it's gone. Hopefully they will realize it before it's too late.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

WE renewed our vows in the church in May. When we got married first it was in the registry office. So we made it official in the church. Then he goes & does this... Cannot understand it.


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes he's been great gentle never raised his voice on me and let me do pretty much anything I wanted (it wasn't much) i have been respecting him too.We have had some friction but nothing major and unrepairable.He was just a nice guy in general.Very loving in any way.
What happened to my sweet husband,where is he...did he die...

My little girl will never know her Dad like my oldest...at least the oldest will have some memories of him living with us but the little one is saying da-da at the moment and there is no dada to be happy about it. My heart breaks in million pieces for them.They do not deserve such father that was ready to trade them for his single life and motorcycles .There it goes the good schools and father to rely on when you had a tough day,someone to help with homework ,disciplining is already out the window. He doesn't even ask anymore if she was good or not ,before he would ask and he would try to discipline her over the phone now it's been all candies and love and i am the bad guy.

I even asked him "do you think you have tried everything to save our marriage?" he didn't know what to say but went again to "there is no love,i can't be with you just for the kids" .

I told him also that he ultimately gets what he wants why these brutal and ugly hurtful comments were necessary...why the need to destroy me.He said " i know i have been horrible for which i apologized" ....Really ,that's all!


----------



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I dread that day but know it is coming...


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

> Yes he's been great gentle never raised his voice on me and let me do pretty much anything I wanted (it wasn't much) i have been respecting him too.We have had some friction but nothing major and unrepairable.He was just a nice guy in general.Very loving in any way.
> What happened to my sweet husband,where is he...did he die...


OMG, my story almost exactly, never a raised voice, never any violence, just some low level (I thought!) friction. What the hell happened to my wife, who stole her mind. :scratchhead:

On another note, went as saw my psych Dr today, my daughter came in with me, wow, he scared me, told me that last week he was this close (holds fore finger & thumb about 1/4" apart) from putting me in hospital, but, for the most part, I have made great strides, so, if this old ****** can, you younger people can. Sure, I still have my big down moments, I need to learn the signs that are leading to one and pop a pill to take the edge off before it hits 

take care


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Talked to my brother tonight..it feels good to have close family.He is my rock,his is older than me and has always protected me .When he looks me in the eye and tells me "everything will be OK" and gives me the biggest hug ...i believe him and it makes me feel strong.
After my sentence my Mom will fly down to stay with me for a few months...that should help.
I honestly can't wait for Wednesday to come so i can let myself to hate him full force,i was withholding these feelings for a long time...

Just wanted to show you guys a quote from one of his letters to me dated July 2010 ,he wrote me a letter after he lied to me about something and i was really upset and told him to sleep upstairs and told him i would leave him if he continues to lie (i would've never done it just scaring him so he stops) 
You woudn''t believe what he says in his letter just 4 months before he tells me he doesn't love me and he wants out.CRAZY!



> V. I love you so much!! crying..more than you will ever know. I prayed tonight for hours that you would give me another chance. I love everything about you...everything around me is just useless material junk. you are what really matters in this world..you and our 2 beautiful girls.. I will fight for you for you not to leave me. I will not let some other guy just take my soulmate away and be a father to my girls....I cannot live with this thought.





> You V. are the most important person in my life...not my mom/dad/brother or any of my friends. You will always be number 1 and I will always put you first.





> I love you so much V. and from here on out I will say the truth no matter what. Please give me another chance. Please do it not only for our girls but for us! You are my soul mate, my everything. I will continue to sleep upstairs hoping everyday for you to take me back to our bed again. I will sacrafice anything to have you back


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Nice letter, full of emotion, either he was not telling the truth, or he had a change of heart, doesn't really matter either way though I am afraid, big hugs to you.



> I honestly can't wait for Wednesday to come so i can let myself to hate him full force,i was withholding these feelings for a long time...


hate & anger are easier to deal with than hurt & fear, if thats what helps you along, but be careful where that hate & anger goes to !!!


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Vivea and Baby Heart:
Your spouses did love you----don't let yourself think otherwise. Things may have got messed up recently.....the letter; the vow renewal-----one question you can ask them (and yourselves) is what has happened since then to change things so drastically?


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Last night i sent it to him with the question "Wast that fake?"
he answered 
"no ,it wasn't fake"

how it is not fake when he tells me that he felt like"that" for a long time....what is a long time for him than...

Crank...in my mind hate him means that i will remember only the bad things ,especially the last months and that'll be easier for me to deal with his loss...At least i can hope i can do that....no idea how my body will react when i officially hear the words "it's over"


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

why not be happy....i did ask that numerous times, he said he just realized that when he began living alone he felt happier ...i guess with that realization he's love diminished...i don't know.It's strange to me.That is why I asked numerous times if there was another woman or if he at least got attracted to another woman...he said absolutely not...he is not interested being with anybody right now,he does not want a relationship....that what he says...i believe him ,he works 12 hrs shifts and really has a few days off a month.


----------



## gfgigi (Nov 10, 2010)

I am very sorry to read this. I am fairly new here. I actually posted on another post for the first time the other day. I am hurting so bad, and I always give my H the benefit of the doubt. He has been saying how unhappy he is. He has had affairs during our marriage, but why do I still want to be with him? He lies about everything, dosn't tell me anything, does not have his paycheck direct deposited anymore into our joint checking. We have two amazing kids who are thriving, but he does nothing for them. I do everthing!Okay, so it probably sounds like he has checked out of the marraige already. Why do I still love him, and want him? He wants to be single and live the life with out responsibility? I gues I am venting and looking to hear back from someone, I am feeling very alone, and scared for what the future will be.
Thank you
gfgigi


----------



## lostnbroken (Aug 21, 2009)

I also would like to share my very similar experience with you. I totaly get how you are feeling about this whole thing. My H has pulled this bull to me not just once, but 3 times in recent two years. The 3rd time was at the end of Jan. this year while I am 6000 miles away from him (I am currently visitng my family outside of US). Add another note, he cheated on me in the 2nd year of our marriage.

I got more and more heartbreaking each time he did this. He's like your spouses, who thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. We don't even have kids!

To be honest, I actually saw it coming, no matter how sweet and caring he could be before the D bomb. He is such a coward that he did this when I am on the other side of the pacific ocean. He was supposed to come and meet me in my hometown. But he didn't even care that the ticket cost me $1200. He just decided not to come and didn't even bother to cancel it (at least it could be used in the future if he did it). 

Like you, I used to try to talk to him and did all I could to win him back. But really, paitence has its limits. I really don't think I deserve to be treated this way. And I really, REALLY resent him for treating me like a doormat. I think it is time for me to decide my own future, so I will talk to a lawyer when I get back next week and file for divorce as soon as possible. 

In order to keep myself going, I tell myself that the H I used to know died 3 years ago already. I left all the good memories with the "nice him". On the other hand, the H I know now is a stranger to me, a very unfriendly one. I will strike back if he treats me w/o respect again. That is how I am dealing with my loss. I am not sure if it's healthy to do it this way, but it seems to work just fine so far. 

It is a very difficult path to come to the point where I am at right now. Of course the situation is devasted and heartbreaking. But it took me 3 years to have the courage to end the M. And I know, it's good for me and my mental health. Because I used to dream of him leaving me in the dark and woke up in tears so many times over the past 3 years. I can't help him figure out what he really wants in his life anymore. I've tired as hard as I could and the outcome is always the same. I need to help myself this time..... 

My suggestion is: Stop looking back and asking why he/she did this and that. Look forward and begin to plan your own future w/o him/her. Live for yourslef and you kids, if you have any. Stop begging. Do things to make yourself happy. Your happniess does not depend on them. (I tell myself this when I find myself fall back in the grieving/devasting mode.)

If he/she sees you are changing and in the end they come around, then YOU decide if you want to take him/her back. If not, then you'll know he/she is not the same person you fell in love with anymore. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself (and the kids). 

This is what I am trying to accomplish: When I go back next week, he will not see me crying and begging. He will see that I can be a stronger person even I don't have him in my life.


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I just sent him a big email...not begging but just doing the thinking for him since he will be working 12 hrs shifts till next Wednesday.

I told him i see that there is love for me he just needs to see the new me ,he needs to give it a chance ,i told him we can always get back to the same place we are now but we need to try and see if anything can be saved....for the sake of the kids we have to try.
I told him i will not be trying to change his life ,and he can have his life and it wouldn't be much different that his single life now but we need to live together and try to see if he can find me again.I'm willing to try that!I told him a whole other bunch of things but none of them were begging just doing the thinking.

Well i now know that i have tried everything! :/


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

The easiest thing to do is to give up. So hopefully he will think about everything & try to make it work. 

Perhaps its good sign he put off making a decision. I think that means he doesn't really want to call it quits. 

My husband said he felt taken for granted & he just got frustrated with it all. Sounds like yours might have same type of thing going on.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> What happened to my sweet husband,where is he...did he die...


Mine got kidnapped by Captain Morgan and the Marlboro Man. 

And lord knows what else. I'm not blameless for what happened but neither is he.


----------



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> The easiest thing to do is to give up.
> Perhaps its good sign he put off making a decision. I think that means he doesn't really want to call it quits.


That is what I'm thinking and hoping and that is why I'm doing the thinking for him. It does seem that he is not ready to say it's over...which means he is not sure...
Please God make a miracle!



> My husband said he felt taken for granted & he just got frustrated with it all. Sounds like yours might have same type of thing going on.


Well mine says that he likes being alone with no stress ,so I'm fighting careless single life vs. married full of responsibilities life 
--------------------------



> You will only find happiness and contentment within yourself. Your husband can't give this to you.


I have been telling this to myself and it doesn't work... I do believe at the moment he can give me happiness ...


----------

