# Not invited to Christmas



## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Hi everyone,

H and I have been separated for 2 years. This past September we decided to try reconciling (2nd attempt) and since then, we've only had a couple of issues to try to work out. Currently, I don't know if reconciling with him is the best thing for me and the kids but am still working hard at fixing things between us. We have five children (one is an adult, others are 11, 9, 6, 4) and we had been married for 11years before separating. He still hasn't moved back in. He has been living with his parents for the last two years and every other weekend has the kids out there with them. He also has them one week during the summer and one week over Christmas holidays. 

Last week, he mentioned he would take the kids out to his parents' home the day after Christmas so that they could celebrate Christmas with his side of the family. He didn't invite me or make any attempt to invite me. His mom and I haven't spoken in almost 1.5 years and the last conversation we had, she criticized my parenting, made empty threats against me, and told me to never contact her if I ever needed help with the kids. 

So, although her and I haven't talked, I have invited her to the kids' school functions and birthday parties over the last two years but she just ignored the invites sent to her. 

Not being invited for Christmas with his family upsets me. Why do I care about that so much? Although my parents have been very hospitable towards my H over the last year, they had no time for me when H walked out on us two years ago and I haven't had many friends to confide in or get emotional support from. 

How do I go about not feeling so rejected by family all over again?

Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like right now you just need to accept that your relationship with your mother-in-law is not good.

There is not a lot you can do about it. You could try patching things up with her, but really that seldom works.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well.... since you say you are reconciling.... then NOW is the time to talk to him about anything and everything. NOW is the time to practice saying what you think, what you want, and what upsets you. What's he gonna do? Leave? 

Know what I mean? Just ask him... "How come I wasn't invited to Christmas with your family?" IF I was trying to reconcile my marriage, I think I'd treat it like a dating situation, which would include being invited to Christmas. Period. 

Maybe it's uncomfortable for him.... too bad, he should suck it up. If you are reconciling, then YOU are his family and should be included, you should at LEAST be his date!


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## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Thanks for the replies.

I spent alot of negative energy dwelling over my relationship with his mom until I decided to stop doing that and just accept that as a fact of my life. When our marriage was going downhill, H took his mom's side most of the time that she interfered. That hurt me alot.

Fast forward to today, I think he does feel uncomfortable about the whole situation and I do think he needs to suck it up as well. Like you said SunnyT, we are reconciling so I had expected him to make an attempt to include me in his family gatherings as well, if for no other reason than the fact that the kids are there. He did spend all Christmas weekend with me, the kids and my family and was welcomed with open arms. 

I think I will call him later tonight and ask how come. I don't expect it to go well as he doesn't like to be questioned or talk about his mom with me. He usually turns a deaf ear when I bring up anything about her and my relationship. 

Thanks again.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

freckles18 said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I spent alot of negative energy dwelling over my relationship with his mom until I decided to stop doing that and just accept that as a fact of my life. When our marriage was going downhill, H took his mom's side most of the time that she interfered. That hurt me alot.
> 
> ...


sounds like your looking for a fight.

drop it and move on with trying to save your marriage.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I am not sure if we will ever get to the reconciling stage, but I have throught through it enough to realize it may have to be without interaction with the inlaws for sometime after reconnecting. 

Both families are likely very protective and have not so good feelings about the inlaw in the relationship. 

My advice would be to make the marriage priority one and all the other relationships secondary.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I don't expect it to go well as he doesn't like to be questioned or talk about his mom with me. He usually turns a deaf ear when I bring up anything about her and my relationship. *

Then make it about YOU and HIM.... not his mom. It's about being invited and included.... not about how happy/bummed his mom might be about having you there. You are right to just let go of any relationship with his mom.... let go of people who suck the joy out of life. But family is family.... and he should have discussed it with you and even given you the option to decline! OR he could have discussed it and suggested that it isn't time yet.... that it might be awfully uncomfortable... both are better than not even being invited. That is what I'd tell him. It's not about mom, it's about US. Either we are a team or we are not.... either we are committed or we are not. 

I'm just thinking that this is more about communicating as a COUPLE more than anything else. If you can't talk and be open and honest without the fear of a fight.... then what's the point of reconciling? 

Chilly said you are just looking for a fight... hmmmm male pov.... maybe he is right .... which means then you have to decide whether this is something to fight about or not.


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## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Thanks SunnyT for writing exactly what I am feeling but not able to put into words! I would love to feel that H and I are in the same corner, so to speak and that we're a team. I haven't felt much of that from him so far during this reconciliation and that's why I'm wondering how successful we'll be. Had he just talked to me a little about their Christmas plans and his thoughts about it, I know I'd feel more connected to him whether an invite was extended to me or not.

My goal is to be able to be open and honest with H without fear of the consequences and that is because of the toxic marriage we had before he left. I'm just not sure where to go from here.


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## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Thanks ThisIsMe. I need to be more patient with the other relationships surrounding our marriage and keep the reconciling my number one priority. Sometimes it's hard though. I hoped we would be further ahead in reconciling than we are. We started in January of 2010 so it's already been a year.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I would love to feel that H and I are in the same corner, so to speak and that we're a team. I haven't felt much of that from him so far during this reconciliation and that's why I'm wondering how successful we'll be. Had he just talked to me a little about their Christmas plans and his thoughts about it, I know I'd feel more connected to him whether an invite was extended to me or not.

My goal is to be able to be open and honest with H without fear*

Tell him this. 

By the end of my marriage, I was not invited to anything.....hadn't seen his family in years. So btdt. He couldn't understand my position.... I couldn't understand his rejection...or at the very least neglect when it came to ME. We were not a team. 


So tell him what you feel. You have nothing to lose at this point. Be outspoken. Have no fear. (LOL, yes.... I did this too... after he walked out, by then it went nowhere which was ok, because I finally had MY say!)

*Edited to add: You've been reconciling since January 2010? That is TWO years now.... and you weren't invited to Christmas? Seems more like a "pleasent" separation as opposed to reconciliation.


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## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Oops, that should be January 2011. I forgot what year we're in :scratchhead:!!
Honestly, that's how I feel some days! A pleasant separation instead of a reconciliation.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well tell him THAT too!


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## freckles18 (Sep 4, 2010)

Yes, I will! I need to know what his expectations and wishes are in reconciling with me. Initially, he was going to move back Nov. 1 and then it got pushed back to Dec. 1 and now we're almost at Jan. 1 and there's been no mention about it lately.


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