# I am on page 12. And I LOVE this book



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1921640324/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

First thing I highlighted. 

... if you want a book that says your sexual desire basically runs on hormones and biological drives, this one isn't for you. If you want to be told, "Just do it!" don't waste your here. If you are invested in the idea that desire dies and never returns, read something else.

By page 12, he has told a story of Connie and Brett replete with all the accusations we see on this board All The Time. The notion that the LD has a "problem" and that sexual desire problems are weird, abnormal and the like are WRONG. Connie and Brett's story does not resonate with our present. But it sure resonates with our past!

ANyone read this?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes I’ve read that and passionate marriage. Loved them both. Very academic though and I’m not sure all that useful for most readers.

ETA: most readers are looking for a way to fix their specific issue, and since these books cover a whole lot of theory, I think most readers have a hard time with the theories because it’s such a huge topic.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Seems might be a good one.
Havent read that specific book. From reading comments sounds like others written by academics decades ago.

For myself wish could find books with new information.

Eta: haven't found one in years which wasn't repetition of older books.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes I’ve read that and passionate marriage. Loved them both. Very academic though and I’m not sure all that useful for most readers.
> 
> ETA: most readers are looking for a way to fix their specific issue, and since these books cover a whole lot of theory, I think most readers have a hard time with the theories because it’s such a huge topic.


When it comes to fixing ones issues, most people are looking for superglue when what they need is to replace the plumbing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I’ve read that and passionate marriage. Loved them both. Very academic though and I’m not sure all that useful for most readers.
> ...


Right but sometimes you have to plug the leak with bubble gum for a minute until you can turn the water off at the main fawcett and then call the plumber.

You don’t realize the thousands of dollars of repair you need done until you’ve called the plumber and been advised what needs to happen.

But even then...you’d have to study plumbing to actually understand what the plumber said. And that’s kind of like reading these books. Studying plumbing.

For me it was fascinating because it was not about problems I had, it was about sex, my favorite topic. It was an academic read for me but one that I really enjoyed.

In the process of reading it, I saw many things my H and I were doing right. Which explained why our sex life was so incredible and intimate and passionate. That made me feel good. But it was just a snippet compared to the massive amount of information in the books.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I agree that this book is absolutely wonderful


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Is this a quote?



> Marriage is a people growing system. One of its key mechanisms is to give you 2 Choice Dilemmas, forcing choice between alternatives that are both desirable. It forces growth where we might otherwise be tempted to complacently stay within our comfort zone -- and thus stagnate within relationship


Or just one of the descriptions?

I do find the quote interesting: general context of old cultures such was an established belief one only grew and matured for "marriage" by being married. 

As you alluded somewhere on TAM today Nobody: too many want to place blame instead of growing.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm going to have to jump to Resurrecting Sex.
- it's available.
- 1/3 the price
- can be read in large print on my kindle.
- title more accurately describes the problem.
OTOH the author has a nice beard.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The title of the first chapter of A Passionate Marriage caught our interest right off... Nobody's Ready for Marriage -- Marriage Makes you Ready for Marriage

It's been years since we both have read both Dr. Schnarch's books. They were recommended to us by a retired mod from TAM. We very much appreciated the ideas he puts forth. I did find myself going through them multiple times to fully follow some ideas. Intimacy and Desire was an easier read than A Passionate Marriage. *These books are not for those interested in easy reading and simple fixes.* LTRs are a lot more complicated than that. 



Best


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1921640324/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
> 
> First thing I highlighted.
> 
> ...


I've read his other book, but not this one. I'll give it a read! 

My favorite concepts from his other book are differentiation and the various modes of sexual relationships.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

:smile2oes it have pictures?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm going to have to jump to Resurrecting Sex.
> - it's available.
> - 1/3 the price
> - can be read in large print on my kindle.
> ...


I'll direct you to the post below you

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/19868167-post9.html

particularly the bolded.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow I didn't know it was beat down day. 
i looked at what the author had published
Picked a title that was still in print
And better yet that I wouldn't have to suffer eye strain reading tiny print, and I get this. 
see ya


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I have a signed copy. I once did a three day workshop with David Schnarch and his partner. On the other hand, I don't agree with his critique of attachment theory. Yes the books are quite academic.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> I have a signed copy. I once did a three day workshop with David Schnarch and his partner. On the other hand, I don't agree with his critique of attachment theory. Yes the books are quite *academic*.


I am curious. What do you mean by that word? Like inaccessible? Not of use outside of academia? I wonder because it sounds _to me_ like a dismissal of its usefulness. I don't actually remember anything about Passionate Marriage but the sense that it was a complete way of thinking rather than an instruction to do X and everything will be fine. I have alsways thought, for myself, that when I can apply a problem solution to myself in a meaningful way and absorb it, it works way better for me than simplistic solutions to complicated problems.

Thanks.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am curious. What do you mean by that word? Like inaccessible? Not of use outside of academia? I wonder because it sounds _to me_ like a dismissal of its usefulness. I don't actually remember anything about Passionate Marriage but the sense that it was a complete way of thinking rather than an instruction to do X and everything will be fine. I have alsways thought, for myself, that when I can apply a problem solution to myself in a meaningful way and absorb it, it works way better for me than simplistic solutions to complicated problems.
> 
> Thanks.


To me the books are almost outside of normal reading and almost inside academic reading. Almost like a college class book. But not quite.

I’m fine with any kind of book, so I enjoyed them. But had many discussions at the time about the books on other forums (maybe some threads here too) and the consensus of readers was that it is somewhat academic. This is sometimes not going to be helpful.

Some couples really do need more basic help than the deep stuff in those books. And some readers simply won’t be able to slog through them.

But for those of us who kind of study sexuality on our own, those books are in a league of their own.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> To me the books are almost outside of normal reading and almost inside academic reading. Almost like a college class book. But not quite.
> 
> I’m fine with any kind of book, so I enjoyed them. But had many discussions at the time about the books on other forums (maybe some threads here too) and the consensus of readers was that it is somewhat academic. This is sometimes not going to be helpful.
> 
> ...


I am chuckling to myself a bit about normal reading. For myself, I am glad that normal reading includes helpful material (for myself, I don't see "deep stuff"). My college class books WERE normal reading. Well, except the calculuses. I am blocking those.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am chuckling to myself a bit about normal reading. For myself, I am glad that normal reading includes helpful material (for myself, I don't see "deep stuff"). My college class books WERE normal reading. Well, except the calculuses. I am blocking those.


I suspect your comprehension level is higher than average. Many readers just are not be able to absorb reading certain things at an academic level, especially emotional things.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I suspect your comprehension level is higher than average. Many readers just are not be able to absorb reading certain things at an academic level, especially emotional things.


It's a bummer, man.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am curious. What do you mean by that word? ("Academic") Like inaccessible?


Well, maybe inaccessible for some people. I wanted to give a flavour of the book so that people could make an informed decision as to whether they are likely to find it useful. 



> Not of use outside of academia?


On reflection, I'd call it a "crossover" book. I've been set chapters of it on academic courses. 



> I wonder because it sounds _to me_ like a dismissal of its usefulness.


No, sorry, I absolutely didn't mean that. It's a book I've returned to regularly.
Now that you say it, I get that for some people, "academic" means "not related to reality" or something like that. Maybe I should have used a different word. 



> simplistic solutions to complicated problems.


I think we share a dislike for those.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> Well, maybe inaccessible for some people. I wanted to give a flavour of the book so that people could make an informed decision as to whether they are likely to find it useful.
> 
> On reflection, I'd call it a "crossover" book. I've been set chapters of it on academic courses.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Super clear.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am chuckling to myself a bit about normal reading. For myself, I am glad that normal reading includes helpful material (for myself, I don't see "deep stuff"). My college class books WERE normal reading. Well, except the calculuses. I am blocking those.


I also found that the style of writing by David Schnarch to be rather "wordy" and excessive. That is OK, but some people such as myself enjoy a book that is formatted for reference and skimming. For example if David introduces a key concept that is important for understanding half the book, that concept is buried in the middle of a 60-page chapter in the 8th paragraph in just two sentences. A reader such as myself could digest these books much better if there were a "key concepts" reference section. 

Two years later if I go back and read a portion, I feel like there is a pop quiz regarding the dynamics of well differentiated versus ill differentiated couples in regards to one couple having an obvious advantage when it comes to particular combinations of sexual modalities. Whereas if he would just reiterate that only ill differentiated couples can temporally overcome incompatible modalities when in a state of crisis... you know that would be helpful. Otherwise I have to jump back 150 pages to connect the dots if reading for reference.

Many readers at TAM would wonder why he couldn't he just say that rebound relationships can be fun but only temporarily.... oh wait, that does not sound academic and may get criticized by colleagues. In my opinion even the academic reader may completely gloss over the connection that an entire chapter is about newly formed couples on the rebound.

Just say'n...

Badsanta


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I also found that the style of writing by David Schnarch to be rather "wordy" and excessive. That is OK, but some people such as myself enjoy a book that is formatted for reference and skimming. For example if David introduces a key concept that is important for understanding half the book, that concept is buried in the middle of a 60-page chapter in the 8th paragraph in just two sentences. A reader such as myself could digest these books much better if there were a "key concepts" reference section.


I am sometimes in a position to write technical material. It torques me to no end when someone reads the bolded key concept, skips the rest, and then asks me what I meant. I spent some time writing what I meant! 




> Two years later if I go back and read a portion, I feel like there is a pop quiz regarding the dynamics of well differentiated versus ill differentiated couples in regards to one couple having an obvious advantage when it comes to particular combinations of sexual modalities. Whereas if he would just reiterate that only ill differentiated couples can temporally overcome incompatible modalities when in a state of crisis... you know that would be helpful. Otherwise I have to jump back 150 pages to connect the dots if reading for reference.
> 
> Many readers at TAM would wonder why he couldn't he just say that rebound relationships can be fun but only temporarily.... oh wait, that does not sound academic and may get criticized by colleagues. In my opinion even the academic reader may completely gloss over the connection that an entire chapter is about newly formed couples on the rebound.
> 
> ...


I guess those people won't buy the book!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am sometimes in a position to write technical material. It torques me to no end when someone reads the *bolded key concept,* skips the rest, and then asks me what I meant. I spent some time writing what I meant!



I fixed your formatting error!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I fixed your formatting error!


Don't ask me what I mean when you did not bother to read the whole thing.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Don't ask me what I mean when you did not bother to read the whole thing.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yes I’ve read that and passionate marriage.


Passionate Marriage is the one I started reading a few years ago with hubby as recommended by a marriage counselor. We got to the part where it said that needing to always give your woman an orgasm is actually a selfish thing. I actually agree that it can be, but hubby freaked out when he read that and wouldn't read any further.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cat Lady said:


> Passionate Marriage is the one I started reading a few years ago with hubby as recommended by a marriage counselor. We got to the part where it said that needing to always give your woman an orgasm is actually a selfish thing. I actually agree that it can be, but hubby freaked out when he read that and wouldn't read any further.


hmmm How selfish IS he? Must have resonated hard. And he did NOT like it.


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## Cat Lady (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> hmmm How selfish IS he? Must have resonated hard. And he did NOT like it.


I know, right?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Cat Lady said:


> Passionate Marriage is the one I started reading a few years ago with hubby as recommended by a marriage counselor. We got to the part where it said that needing to always give your woman an orgasm is actually a selfish thing. I actually agree that it can be, but hubby freaked out when he read that and wouldn't read any further.


That's Schnarch for you, he sees levels of wheels within wheels, so to speak.


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