# Positive aspects on being sexless



## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?

After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can. 

Please list your, but only focus on the positive aspects.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

Don't have to worry about her cheating on you.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Visual said:


> Don't have to worry about her cheating on you.


Not true. I've read plenty or threads where members in sexless marriages found out their spouse was cheating on them. 

There are no positive aspects to a sexless marriage that I know of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

But there is nothing positive about a sexless relationship - not a thing. 

All it is doing is further dividing us. I have not spoken up about the current 4 month and counting drought but that is about to change.

I have had enough.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Not true. I've read plenty or threads where members in sexless marriages found out their spouse was cheating on them.
> 
> There are no positive aspects to a sexless marriage that I know of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would agree that the sexless person isn't going to cheat. The one who doesn't feel that sex is a priority in a marriage probably is just fine coasting along, sharing finances. In my book, they're usually very shallow people without a lot of capability to love.

Of course there are exceptions to this. There can be other issues that make one sexless. In this case, they may just be sexless with THAT person (their spouse), for whatever reason. Something is wrong in the dynamic.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

There can also be medical and/or mental issues that contribute to one being incapable/unwilling to be a sexual partner.

Where a marriage is concerned, there are NO benefits to being celibate. Why didn't I just join the convent instead?

For the partner who desires sex, it's the ultimate rejection.

Bottom line, there are no positive aspects.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

hehasmyheart said:


> There can also be medical and/or mental issues that contribute to one being incapable/unwilling to be a sexual partner.
> 
> Where a marriage is concerned, there are NO benefits to being celibate. Why didn't I just join the convent instead?
> 
> ...


And ummm....she did cheat on me. Found out after the fact in April 2013. Went on for about a year through 2012 early 2013. Apparently she loves me and I'm the one but no sex. It's weird - we had some "parent time' happening over a couple of weeks in Sept / Oct 2013 and then it just faded out. No discussion - nothing. Just the occasional excuses about having 'demons' (she drinks - is having certain identity struggles apparently) and "we're getting there" and 'I do want to explore intimacy" etc but zero happens. Despite genuine issues she has I feel like they are excuses.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

This is kind of like asking for the positive aspects of a car that is always broken down.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Horizon said:


> But there is nothing positive about a sexless relationship - not a thing.
> 
> All it is doing is further dividing us. I have not spoken up about the current 4 month and counting drought but that is about to change.
> 
> I have had enough.


Agree!


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Sometimes it can be about the way they feel about themselves, or the way they think you feel about them. When someone doesn't feel desirable, it lowers libido. Try to build her up and inspire her, and see if it improves. For women especially, the desire usually starts with an emotional connection.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Just don't let that 4 months get to the point of years. It will be even harder to pull it back then, if it's even possible. At that point, you're roommates.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

hehasmyheart said:


> Sometimes it can be about the way they feel about themselves, or the way they think you feel about them. When someone doesn't feel desirable, it lowers libido. Try to build her up and inspire her, and see if it improves. For women especially, the desire usually starts with an emotional connection.


done the emotional connection, I am starting to shut down now because of this


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thanks HHMH - I have done a mountain of things in the last 10 months. Lost weight, changed how I dressed, removed cynical comments and snide remarks. I have made changes. There is probably a fair bit I could do on an emotional level. But it is really difficult when you throw in resentment about an affair and the WS is not doing anything at all to help. I'm sure my demeanor has been uninspiring at times but it all comes back to dealing with the aftermath of betrayal. You are always on the back foot even when you are improving. The mongrel snake who seduced her didn't have a problem lighting the spark. It proves the spark can be lit. What? I'm now meant to hang in there for God knows how long rubbing two sticks together? You get my sh!t right? It's doing my head in. She cheats and I have to do all the work - HUH? Time for the ultimatum talk I'm afraid. Seriously It's a two way street. Denying intimacy - which she has done for a long time is outright cruel. If she just wants me as a rock of Gibraltar / plan B then for God's sake have the wheels to say it. But no, it will not happen. Meanwhile life goes by. I am being forced to act and sometimes i think it is this perverse plan of hers. Stupid I know but frustration has strange outcomes.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If there are any, none are springing to mind right now...

Physical intimacy is the cement that holds a healthy relationship together and differentiates it from a platonic friendship.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

The sexlessness in a marriage is like a dead or dying canary in a coal mind.



It can be a wake up call, telling you it is (past) time to think and do.



It can be something, when seen in just the right light, pisses you off and helps you start taking action to take back your life.



Frequency is something quantitative you can assess looking back in time and confidently know, "Yeah, it was really that abnormally infrequent."



Receptivity to sex is something even fickle, emotionally stunted, self-unaware partners can have a difficult time faking over the long term. So, it can be the bit of truth that floats on the top of a sea of lies.



One way or another it doesn't have to last forever. There usually are exits from the mine. The bird may die, but you are not the bird.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Positive aspects on being sexless - you're not going to get pregnant...or become a father.

Negative - you'll end up in a bitter divorce.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Visual said:


> Don't have to worry about her cheating on you.


Negative. Just because one partner is sexless in marriage doesn't mean they are sexless in life.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?
> 
> After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can.
> 
> Please list your, but only focus on the positive aspects.


You'll never be disappointed because you have no expectations in the first place? That's as positive as I can get.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I read more books, and developed great expertise in some hobbies.

A friend who was also in a sexless marriage became a passionate bass fisherman and master baiter.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well when I was married to my pr!ck ex hb being sexless (my doing) was all positive. Now that I have a hb I like I can't think of any positives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Positives:

Allowed a needed correction to occur... had we continued down the previous path and I did not get a wake up call I believe we would be worse off and I would have not learned some valuable lessons in life.

Able to better deal with sex not ruling my life.

Became a better father.

A sense of commitment.

These balance out with the obvious negatives and leave me in a state of OK but would really like to get sex back on the table because there are obvious downsides... for both of us.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

This reply is somewhat sarcastic in nature since I do not think there are any positives in a sexless marriage. A person who is being denied his / her needs because of a selfish spouse, should pack up and leave the selfish spouse. No exceptions. 

Positives:

1. You'll never need to buy a new doormat. You have a permanent one.
2. ED will never be an issue.
3. Mastubation is healthy.
4. You'll always have a reason to look at the bright side... like, she is my best friend (that doesn't care about my happiness) or she is a good mother (just a horrible wife), or we coexist so perfectly together (doormat).
5. The safest sex is no sex. You're very safe.
6. You can consider yourself a reborn virgin until you get married again to someone who actually cares about your needs. It's a could be a religious thing or just self improvement thing. 
7. Save money on birth control.
8. You'll always have a lot of good reading material (No More Mr. Nice Guy)


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

We were clenically sexless. I has shut down due to the rejection. We only did it when she initiated (just to fulfill her needs) every 6-8 weeks. The wake up call came when a woman made a strong pass at me. This does not usually happen to me as I take steps to insure it does not in the interest of being faithful. Well I found it felt real good to be desired again, even if it was not by my wife. Although I turned her down, I started seriously contemplating an affair. I wanted to feel loved and wanted again real bad. 

With my mind almost made up I stumbled across a thread here of a member trying to justify cheating on his wife. His situation seemed to mirror my own, and although everyone was addressing him. I spoke volumes to me. The general message everyone had was that if you haven't cheated yet, give her an ultimatum to turn things around or else. I decided this would be my approach, but first I was going to clean my own act up. I started treating her right. I went back to many of the things I used to do when we were dating, but had long since stopped doing. After a few weeks I noticed her starting to thaw a little. Not huge differences, but I was sure she had noticed my change. 

I let things to for a few more weeks then had "the talk". Her first reaction was that she didn't think she could change and maybe we should get divorced. I told her that she if that was her choice then she had to file. And that I was going to keep fighting for our marriage. Slowly she joined me in the fight and we are back on track and doing great. The only hick up being that we are now dealing with the fallout from sexual abuse she suffered as a child. But we are talking every step together and determined to win this fight together. 

Things are not perfect by a long shot, but I'm so glad I put In The work to save my marriage. The love of my wife is so much better than any lover I could have found in an affair. But as much as I love her, I won't let our marriage to sexless again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

When we're not having sex, we're not fighting about sex. Since that is the topic that causes the most friction at home by about three orders of magnitude - you do the math.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Well you shouldn't get AIDS or a VD. Also pregnancy is not going to occur.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

No pressure to perform, please a high drive wifey.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Visual said:


> Don't have to worry about her cheating on you.


This is often a big misconception, just because you are having sex doesn't mean one of you isn't screwing someone else. In the same token just because you're in a sexless marriage doesn't mean either of you isn't having sex.
I have seen a few "miserable but horny" spouses who are in sexless miserable marriages BUT were screwing other people while playing the "I'm depressed / miserable and in a sexless marriage" card.
All you have to do is go to the self help section is Barnes and Noble.....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

nothing,zero,


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

hehasmyheart said:


> In this case, they may just be sexless with THAT person (their spouse), for whatever reason. Something is wrong in the dynamic.


Usually, underlying resentment against his or her spouse. A form of disconnect.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

hehasmyheart said:


> This is kind of like asking for the positive aspects of a car that is always broken down.


Yes. or an empty bank account when you have been working so hard.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

It's essentially a form of betrayal committed by a selfish spouse. I do get to hear about wives / hubbies not having had sex many years and still married. His or her needs are met else where (porn, prostitutes, affair etc) and you are just a piece of furniture sitting in a house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is one very positive aspect of having a sexless marriage. Unencumbered by the narcotic influence of sex, one is left free to very clearly see exploitation and misery for what it truly is. Another positive aspect is that when sex is no longer a serious option, there is little motivation for one to continue jumping through ignorant hoops. It is quite liberating, actually.


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## Visual (Apr 12, 2013)

I have more energy and less tire. It seems like it would take me at least 1/2 hour to recover after sex.

Someone already mentioned, I don't have to jump hoops to gain her approvals.

Enjoy a lot more when we actual do it. Sometime too much can be boring?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Another positive aspect is that when sex is no longer a serious option, there is little motivation for one to continue jumping through ignorant hoops. It is quite liberating, actually.



This.

People don't understand the hoops they have to go thru to please a partner enough to bestow sex upon them. At that point the lightbulb comes on hopefully.

That, and plenty of time for Angry Birds.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

john117 said:


> This.
> 
> People don't understand the hoops they have to go thru to please a partner enough to bestow sex upon them. At that point the lightbulb comes on hopefully.
> 
> That, and plenty of time for Angry Birds.


That some people see sex as a "reward" still befuddles me! Usually the same people who use it as a manipulation tool. Also usually the same people who cry foul when it stops working in their favor.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Obviously sex is not strictly a reward but many people do see it as such only because they can't comprehend the concept of love to begin with.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Not true. I've read plenty or threads where members in sexless marriages found out their spouse was cheating on them.
> 
> There are no positive aspects to a sexless marriage that I know of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Allow me to rephrase that, you don't care if they do cheat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You don't have to worry about wasting any time or effort being attractive to your 'mate'. Yes I really DID get dressed in the dark and shaved 4 days ago, why do you ask?

You don't have to worry about the plethora of drugs as you get older that interfere with sex either. Bring it on.


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## Nemo9nemo (Aug 16, 2013)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?
> 
> After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can.


Did you tell her that? Did you say " you're so hot that I just want you every single minute" kinda thing?? I think that's really a turn on and I wish my HB would say that to me, but he is too shy even though he is in his 50s and I have to plot dialogues for what he should say to make our sex life better but I haven't done so as he has another problem to fix, ED after the prostate surgery last July....sigh..talk about sexless ....


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I read more books, and developed great expertise in some hobbies.
> 
> A friend who was also in a sexless marriage became a passionate bass fisherman and master baiter.


:rofl:


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

If you try hard enought, there is almost always a silver lining to …. It is about attitudes….

For me, (now 19 months and counting since our last encounter, and that was not a particularly good one in any event.), I have started my own efforts at a 180, by focusing on me, rather than focusing on her, and her preferences, I have:

-	Gotten in far better shape by starting to commute to work on a bicycle whenever weather is ok (20 miles each day) and swimming, and being out in the great outdoors again… I arrive home much later these days, but again, that is not a drawback from me. I now fit into a pair of jeans that I have not worn for many years, I realized that .. hey, there is a six pack down there. 

-	Having far more fun with kids in weekends by doing things that I want to do, rather than twisting brains to find something that she would like.

-	Reconnecting with long lost hobbies (I was a semi pro mucisian for a short while), having found a couple of guys to jam with a few times a month rather than being at home in front of the damn tv looking at yet another tearjerker.

-	Going out for happy hour at place next to ocean on a Friday evening while engaging in a few casual flirts (recognizing that I do not take it further than the mere casual) rather than rushing home to clean the house for the 3rd time in a week. 

Now… there ARE positive aspects…… I feel better about me than I have done in a long time. I like me better. On Sunday, I am out Kayaking for the whole day.. yay !

(for those that will argue about me missing cause and effect and whatnot.. ) I agree.....but, I am looking at the silver lining and logic be damned.....


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?
> 
> After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can.
> 
> Please list your, but only focus on the positive aspects.


The only thing I can think of is that it might be comfortable for both parties if they have little to zero interest in sex. Otherwise, I don't see any benefit.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

ericthesane said:


> If you try hard enought, there is almost always a silver lining to …. It is about attitudes….
> 
> For me, (now 19 months and counting since our last encounter, and that was not a particularly good one in any event.), I have started my own efforts at a 180, by focusing on me, rather than focusing on her, and her preferences, I have:
> 
> ...


AAAAAAMEN!!!! The only person responsible for your happiness it you! Glad you found your footing. She better get with the program or a fit bubbly sociable intelligent woman will wander into the picture. Someone always gets left behind but it's their choice.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife has been withholding sex for months or years, you really don't mind as much if she decides to leave. It completely removes most of the sting out of what could be a painful parting.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There is one very positive aspect of having a sexless marriage. Unencumbered by the narcotic influence of sex, one is left free to very clearly see exploitation and misery for what it truly is. Another positive aspect is that when sex is no longer a serious option, there is little motivation for one to continue jumping through ignorant hoops. It is quite liberating, actually.







That is exactly what has happened to me. The years of having sex occasionally but not nearly often enough were very confusing and painful, and as I desperately looked for something to fix or some reason to hope, all that did was distract me from seeing where the deeper problems lied.



Having purged my body of sexual tension on a regular basis, and finally accepting that having sex with me is something she truly wants to avoid, I'm seeing more clearly what has been going wrong and why, and putting my energy into preparing my mind for what comes next.



Not every sexless marriage goes this way, so don't let my doom and gloom get you down. But, without the distraction of things sexual, things are looking pretty clear hear.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There is one very positive aspect of having a sexless marriage. Unencumbered by the narcotic influence of sex, one is left free to very clearly see exploitation and misery for what it truly is. Another positive aspect is that when sex is no longer a serious option, there is little motivation for one to continue jumping through ignorant hoops. It is quite liberating, actually.


True. Exploitation is the right word. The sex dulls and blunts it so you can't really feel it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Obviously sex is not strictly a reward but many people do see it as such only because they can't comprehend the concept of love to begin with.


True. Many just don't "love".


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

ericthesane said:


> If you try hard enought, there is almost always a silver lining to …. It is about attitudes….
> 
> For me, (now 19 months and counting since our last encounter, and that was not a particularly good one in any event.), I have started my own efforts at a 180, by focusing on me, rather than focusing on her, and her preferences, I have:
> 
> ...


Awesome attitude.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you are asexual, being sexless would be rather rewarding.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There is one very positive aspect of having a sexless marriage. Unencumbered by the narcotic influence of sex, one is left free to very clearly see exploitation and misery for what it truly is. Another positive aspect is that when sex is no longer a serious option, there is little motivation for one to continue jumping through ignorant hoops. It is quite liberating, actually.


Sounds like you have been going through humiliation for some time? "Jumping through ignorant hoops..." 

When there's a third party involved then it's not so liberating.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Philat said:


> You'll never be disappointed because you have no expectations in the first place? That's as positive as I can get.


That is sad. You are being treated poorly and you know it.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Horizon said:


> And ummm....she did cheat on me. Found out after the fact in April 2013. Went on for about a year through 2012 early 2013. Apparently she loves me and I'm the one but no sex. It's weird - we had some "parent time' happening over a couple of weeks in Sept / Oct 2013 and then it just faded out. No discussion - nothing. Just the occasional excuses about having 'demons' (she drinks - is having certain identity struggles apparently) and "we're getting there" and 'I do want to explore intimacy" etc but zero happens. Despite genuine issues she has I feel like they are excuses.


Cheaters commonly have this mentality. "Oh, I'm monogamous. I wouldn't cheat on him or her by sleeping with my own spouse." Your wife sounds as if she may be physically there but not in other levels. An empty, cold shell.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

john117 said:


> Obviously sex is not strictly a reward but many people do see it as such only because they can't comprehend the concept of love to begin with.


People see sex as a Reward because most spouses use it to reward and punish their SO when it should never be used as such. Sex is a necessary part of a thriving marriage and necessary to its survival. This used to be my wife's view of it as well. She is changing. Slowly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Exactly - their value system is all messed up.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Lets just chalk it up for what it is..... sexless is a correction of sorts when it comes to a typically longer term marriage.

My wife and I have made great strides after she unilaterally decided to go sexless through her actions and not so much her words.

So during that time frame I of course balked and set out on a journey of recovering our sexlife. Now we are at the either do it or quit stage.

The positives are the lessons it teaches you not only about yourself but relationships with others. It teaches you life is not all ups there are certainly downsides. It teaches you to nor rely on your spouse and to keep an eye on the end result and that life is unfair and glorious at the same time. It teaches you ANY marriage at any time is at risk because of its very nature. And until you live it you cannot comprehend it at all.

Again I look at life as a marathon and not a sprint... even if my sexless spell takes years to resolve before we may together call it quits..it will have been worth the journey. I am still confident we will turn this around because there is love and at some point love will win out is my belief. When it does the sexless years will be a blip on the grand scheme of things.

Just look at hurricane Katrina...New Orleans had an unprecedented storm and rebuilt. Rebuilding is always an option every marriage has. It has its own timetable...and takes two working together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

New Orleans survived only because of the massive influx of federal money and still lost a third of the population. A few more dollars and they might as well have tried to rebuild Atlantis.

In a marriage there is such a point where it is not feasible to repair it any more. 

Like a lot of marriages NOLA was held together with a bunch of fragile props and when the pedal hit the metal that's all she wrote. 

I have spent more time there than most of you I suspect and while I love the place after you visit some of the places that keep it dry the delicate balance of power becomes apparent. 

Not so with many marriages


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## Bamaman (Aug 21, 2013)

There's only one way it can be positive: If both people truly want it that way. Then they have lucked up on the perfect match. But the odds of that are almost impossible to measure. But it does happen...


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

You share so much together for so long and then thing get bent out of shape. It sneaks up on you. We were dead in the water but busy raising our children - we didn't really reflect on the fact even though there had been many arguments and stand offs. Life gets in the way so to speak. The last thing you do is take care of each other. And then an affair happens - it shouldn't, she should have left but she chose to do what most cheaters do. Keep up appearances and have some fun on the side. Wrong move, she got busted. So now we have no sex; which was the case to a great degree before she cheated anyway. Rarely any sex before (and during) the affair and now more long droughts after the affair. I'm struggling for positives.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Horizon said:


> You share so much together for so long and then thing get bent out of shape. It sneaks up on you. We were dead in the water but busy raising our children - we didn't really reflect on the fact even though there had been many arguments and stand offs. Life gets in the way so to speak. The last thing you do is take care of each other. And then an affair happens - it shouldn't, she should have left but she chose to do what most cheaters do. Keep up appearances and have some fun on the side. Wrong move, she got busted. So now we have no sex; which was the case to a great degree before she cheated anyway. Rarely any sex before (and during) the affair and now more long droughts after the affair. I'm struggling for positives.


Wow, Horizon....I feel for you!!! I hope things get better in your life.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

after being divorced for years I see no positives


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

the only thing I can think of is that if/when we do finally break that dry spell that it will pretty much feel like the first time all over again. Makes it a little more exciting.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Positive? If they are getting it elsewhere, they are not sharing any STDs with you. That's the best I can come up with.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I cannot think of any positives of a sexless marriage....maybe less washing of the bed sheets????


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Adeline said:


> the only thing I can think of is that if/when we do finally break that dry spell that it will pretty much feel like the first time all over again. Makes it a little more exciting.


This. :iagree: When you've had sex three times in over three years, when you actually do have sex, it's like a whole new experience. 

That said, when your spouse complains about how tired they are, and how sex is too much work, it tends to dull the senses. It used to be that I hated when that time of month came on, as that meant no sex. In the past several years, it's irrelevant as we're not having sex anyway.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You don't argue over who sleeps on the wet spot.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I can't think of anything really positive about it. It is a challenge just to keep it from negatively affecting my outlook in other areas of my life.

It is always there and I think about it constantly. Today I was coming out of a store and I spotted something hanging down from underneath my car. I got on one knee and looked closer and it looked like a tail. I don't remember hitting an animal or running over a dead one ... but that's what it looks like. I decided I would get underneath the car later when I changed my clothes but then I thought .... well, that might be the last piece of tail I ever get so I better jump on it. 

Warps your brain


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The only positive I can think about being in a sexless marriage is if you arent having sex you cant get pregnant. But I cant have any more babies anyway, I got fixed.....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can't think of a single positive thing about a sexless marriage.

Not a one.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I can't think of a single positive thing about a sexless marriage.
> 
> Not a one.


There is a couple of EXCELLENT reasons that would be positive about being sexless.

If your spouse is a cheater... If you are sexless you don't have to worry about transmission of venereal diseases.

If your spouse is a cheating woman, you can't be blamed on being the father for a child when you never had sex with the cheating woman.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

In a general sense, I cannot think of any positive benefits to a sexless marriage or relationship. To me, it is like asking if there is any positive aspects to not being loved.

However, in specific circumstances, there may be some benefits. I will use my situation as an example. When my wife decided to withdraw emotionally and physically from our marriage, obviously it pushed us apart, in spite of my efforts to get her to go to counseling and work on our marriage. About a year or two before this, my mother had become ill with a rare form of cancer. She was doing well with her treatment but then things took a turn for the worse. My mother lived 500 miles away and by herself. Under any circumstances, I would have done whatever I could to help her. But as my wife withdrew further from me, I felt less obligation to her and decided to spend as much time as I could visiting and helping my mother during her last few years. I visited once or twice a month and helped her with her medical issues, financial issues, and just spending time with her. She always looked forward to my visits and I feel I was able to bring some joy into her life as her illness progressed. My mother, when diagnosed, told me her greatest fear was to die alone and I promised her I would not let that happen and I was there when she died.

I feel that I have made sacrifices for my wife during our marriage and I always told her that it is important to me to be told that I am a good husband. I have not heard that nearly enough. I remember feeling that, as my mother was dying, at least I can feel like a good son. Maybe I would have felt that way anyway, but with the emotional and physical emptiness of my marriage, I felt it more strongly. This may be the only "positive" thing resulting from my situation.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Nobody has to sleep in the damp patch?

ETA Arrgh! Just saw RLD posted the same thing!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> Wow, Horizon....I feel for you!!! I hope things get better in your life.


They aren't. Woke up this morning with blue steel and in time it went away. The body inches away may as well be a universe away.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?
> 
> After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can.
> 
> Please list your, but only focus on the positive aspects.


This is a great question, because it brings to mind that there are no serious positive aspects to a sexless marriage.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

none period!


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Nothing. You're legally bound to a roommate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

I am not trying to argue that being sexless is a good thing. I just don't believe it is as bad as many of the posters on TAM make it seem. There are so many other aspects of marriage. 



It is good to hear your voice on this. It shows that people feel differently but I do disagree strongly with the statement above. I think that most men (not all) feel their wife loves them when she shares herself (and that includes her body). Sometimes I wish I felt differently but I just can't. I feel biologically wired that way. You say it is not as bad as people here make it seem. Is not feeling loved bad? That is how I feel. If a woman has health problems, that is one thing. But just because she doesn't want to and isn't in the mood? There are many ways to please a man without intercourse. I like the book His Needs, Her Needs, because it describes a sexual relationship as a man's #1 emotional need, not just physical, but emotional. Isn't love about satisfying one another's needs? 

Yes, there are many other aspects of marriage. No one is better at keeping a clean house and cooking than my wife. I would gladly trade that for emotional and physical intimacy. Cooking and cleaning do not satisfying any of my emotional needs. They are important to my wife and that is why I help all I can. I have tried talking to her about love languages but it has not worked. How do you get someone to see that you have a need that they don't? How do you get them to care? How do you get them to see that you do not feel loved and never will without intimacy? I wish I had the answers.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I am attracted to the woman, I want to be physical with her but it has gone too far. How can someone who has cheated on you think that turning off the tap for more than 5 months is in anyway healthy.

Why am I even here?! She wants to co-exist and does not have that mental function which would guide a "normal" person to explain themselves.

You would think that, given she knows the profound devastation inflicted by betrayal, that she would want to at least address it. Does she not see that it is piling insult on top of pain; inflicting more humiliation?

She just carries on as though she has no insight into my state of mind at all. 

So when I do get weirded out or overreact or slow burn or whatever, the ubiquitous phrases jump out - "What wrong with you?" - "Why are you so angry


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

There were no positives while I lived it, in fact it was a dire situation that greatly impacted my health.

But in hindsight the positive is that it forced me to seriously think about what I wanted for the rest of my life. It forced me to see that we were not a great match. We loved each other as friends but love is easy to find, the problem was that we were not right for each other.

Coming out the other end of divorcing my ex gave me great power moving forward. I knew what I wanted but more importantly I knew what I would never tolerate again. It has taken a lot of effort, counselling and forgiveness but now I can stand up and say it is OK for me to be a woman that greatly enjoys sex.

I have re partnered with an amazing man and we share a rocking sex life. I lived in a crappy place before, now I live in a place of bliss.

A sexless marriage is no place to be, fix it or piss it off.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

To guyready4change:

Again, I appreciate your viewpoint especially the part about sex not being everything in a relationship and how great sex shouldn't be enough in an abusive relationship. The truth probably is that most men would stay in an abusive relationship if the sex was good and would only get out once the sex stopped. At least that is my opinion. I once was in a situation like that and only left when the sex stopped. I knew I was being treated badly, even disrespected, but the sex was so good, so powerful, that I stayed. I was a young man then and today it would not be enough for me.

I don't know about your situation so I can only speak about mine. I never considered myself high drive or low drive. I have always been attracted to my wife and wanted to be with her but it didn't need to be every day. My wife's drive was at least equal to mine and we had a very good marriage for many years. My wife was abused emotionally, not physically, by a relative when she was a teenager. This has always caused her to withdraw emotionally when she is hurt. Some years ago, she was hurt by something I said and she withdrew emotionally and physically.

In the last year or so, she has come back somewhat emotionally but not physically. She is nicer to me and seems to want to be closer. What is different now is that she has some physical problems that have affected her drive. 

I have acknowledged that she is trying harder and told her that I appreciate that. What I still feel is the sting of rejection that began years ago. If we were having a good marriage and then she developed physical problems that affected her drive, I would not feel the way I do now. But the physical problems developed later and were not the original cause of her withdrawal.

So I don't know how to deal with things. I don't feel loved, that is all I can say. We do spend time together and do the things that you talk about and they are enjoyable and I feel we are closer. But I need to share her body. I need her to make me feel loved again after all that rejection. I told her it does not have to be intercourse. But I want her to want me to be happy, like I have always tried to make her happy. Our marriage was never all about sex and I don't want it to be. But I also want to feel loved and without the physical intimacy, I cannot feel it. I acknowledge that some can feel love without it, but I cannot.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

The only positive would be that you would appreciate your new spouse all the more after you divorce the sexless spouse you have currently - assuming you marry someone with a high drive.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?
> 
> After 15 years of marriage, I still find my wife extremely attractive. I would like to pump her every single minute if I can.
> 
> Please list your, but only focus on the positive aspects.



Positive aspects of a sexless marriage only works if both don't want sex. Otherwise, someone always cheats......

Why would anyone marry a spouse who didn't want sex? Waste of time.

Why marry a friend or room mate? Waste of time.

Hubby and wifee should find each other hot and want to have sex with each other.

Too many posts on TAM about a spouse getting caught cheating on their LD spouse........

Having wild, crazy sex together, will bond you in more ways than words and talking will ever do.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> *Positive aspects of a sexless marriage only works if both don't want sex. Otherwise, someone always cheats......*
> 
> Why would anyone marry a spouse who didn't want sex? Waste of time.
> 
> ...


The bolded part is so not true.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

I have more time to get better playing Madden on Xbox late at night since my wife is sleeping and not approachable for sex.

Plenty of gym time to cut jacked and ripped


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Visual said:


> Often time we focus only on the negative aspects too much. Are there any positive aspects on being sexless?....


NO.

There are no positive aspects of being in a sexless marriage.

None. In fact, how is that even a marriage? Cruel reality, and unacceptable, IMO.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> The bolded part is so not true.



Could be a Physical Affair, Emotional Affair, Texting,. Sexting, you name it and porn, cams, escorts, etc....

When you starve a spouse of theirs needs for a long time, something is bound to happen, unless they have a will of iron and their emotions and physical needs never get the better of them. I am not one of those.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Eventually, your pecker will shrivel up and fall off like a dead fingernail? Then you'll once and for all stop fantasizing about other women and no longer be horny as a stallion in a mare pageant.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Horizon said:


> She just carries on as though she has no insight into my state of mind at all. So when I do get weirded out or overreact or slow burn or whatever, the ubiquitous phrases jump out - "What wrong with you?" - "Why are you so angry?"


DITTO, DITTO, DITTO!! It's all part of the crazycoaster.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Could be a Physical Affair, Emotional Affair, Texting,. Sexting, you name it and porn, cams, escorts, etc....
> 
> When you starve a spouse of theirs needs for a long time, something is bound to happen, unless they have a will of iron and their emotions and physical needs never get the better of them.* I am not one of those*.


I am so your blanket statement that someone will cheat is incorrect. I know of plenty of others who did not cheat while living in sexless marriages.
It is unfair to state that the person that is the rejected in a sexless marriage is also of low moral values and is a cheater in the making.
By all means say that you are but you cannot possible say that about others.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Holland said:


> I am so your blanket statement that someone will cheat is incorrect. I know of plenty of others who did not cheat while living in sexless marriages.
> 
> 
> It is unfair to state that the person that is the rejected in a sexless marriage is also of low moral values and is a cheater in the making.
> ...





I agree with Holland on this 100%.



My life has been hell for years, including darn near sexless, and I have not cheated. I do not expect to.



My wife has (EA).





In my case, I am not sure it has taken much will to avoid it. It has taken some -- as I like to think I resisted two particular opportunities. But, perhaps, an aversion to pain that it can cause was wired into me growing up as I observed my patents. There is also the fact my current relationship has eaten away at my self-esteem, which likely works to reduce the possibilities.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Holland said:


> I am so your blanket statement that someone will cheat is incorrect. I know of plenty of others who did not cheat while living in sexless marriages.
> It is unfair to state that the person that is the rejected in a sexless marriage is also of low moral values and is a cheater in the making.
> By all means say that you are but you cannot possible say that about others.


After some point in time of being deprived of sex and intimacy I would have understanding if a male or female seeked to be loved from somewhere else. I'm not sure I would put them in a cheater category, but rather a neglected category.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

treyvion said:


> After some point in time of being deprived of sex and intimacy I would have understanding if a male or female seeked to be loved from somewhere else. I'm not sure I would put them in a cheater category, but rather a neglected category.


Totally agree.

After time, anyone who is neglected will stray.....

Spouse is denied their needs for a long time, are starved and weak. They meet a cool co worker or a new friend or a friend when going out. Harmless. But one thing could lead to another, a close friendship, flirting, etc. Doesn't happen 100% of the time but it does happen.

Why stay in a marriage were you needs aren't being met? Makes no sense.

If memories serves, Holland is Ultra high sex drive? but chose to still marry a low sex drive hubby......?

Cheating doesn't always mean sex. It could be non sexual attention. Sexting, Emotional Affair, you get the idea. Doesn't always mean Physical sex.

Look at all the posters on TAM......

No were did I say spouses that are neglected, needs not being met, are of low morals.

What I am saying, if a spouse is starved of their needs for a long time, they will be weak and very likely get that attention elsewhere and that doesn't have to mean physical sex.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

I agree with Cuddle and essentially a spouse who is being deprived of a core need will eventually look to fulfill that need somewhere with something.

Some cheat, some turn to drugs/alcohol, some withdraw and focus on work or a hobby (fitness, video games, etc)

Humans can't go without certain things and everyone's tolerance is set a different levels


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Positives? I can only speak to my situation, but here it goes...

I didn't take me long to see what was right in front of me all this time. She is always there for me and never puts up a fuss! Day, night, morning...sometimes I'll even wake up in the middle of the night and she's fondling me. Any room in the house, any time of day, so long as the kids aren't around, she's always more than willing to go! And get this? She will never leave me unless I cut her off completely! Me? I could never leave her if I tried! The best part? My wife is perfectly fine with this arrangement!!!

Her name is Palmela, she has five sisters =O


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> *After time, anyone who is neglected will stray.....
> *
> ...


You are just so wrong with this line. There are others here on TAM that are now in sexless marriages that are not cheating. By saying that 


> anyone who is neglected will stray.....


 you are making a blanket statement that people that suffer in sexless marriages are going to cheat, it just is not so.

There are people that get all the sex they want and they go out and cheat. 

Staying in a sexless marriage is less about the actual sex in some cases and more about the kids, finances, isolation or being away from support networks. All sorts of reasons that people stay.

You are right, I choose to stay with my ex for a few years longer than I should have and yes I am VHD but I have solid morals and self respect and cheating was never an option. Some things are more important than sex, the respect of my kids for starters, I would never do anything like that to jeopardise how they felt about me.
I have a zero tolerance stance on cheating and am more than capable of doing the right thing.

For sure some will cheat but you are saying that it is a given and that is wrong. If that is really what you think then have you cheated? You are/were in a sexually dysfunctional marriage, did it push you to cheating?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am not sure the act of sex is the sole determinant of cheating. In a narrow way it is but... 

If I start playing video games from the time I come home till the time I go to bed completely ignoring my wife (a very palatable idea actually) how is that not cheating? Or if I spend it on Facebook or what not.

Marriage is all about sharing experiences and being there for your partners in a variety of ways - physical is one of the many ways. 

Of course this ties well with LD being cheating on its own so.. Any thoughts or I'm just too deranged to see it this way?


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

treyvion said:


> After some point in time of being deprived of sex and intimacy I would have understanding if a male or female seeked to be loved from somewhere else. I'm not sure I would put them in a cheater category, but rather a neglected category.


YUP, I completely agree. I'm in a sexless marriage and would never cheat but I can totally understand why someone in my situation would. Sexless marriages are rarely good marriages and the withholding spouse is usually selfish in other aspects of his/ her life as well. They usually also have very little respect for their spouse.

My wife has come to me a few times now wanting to work on our marriage after she figured out I'm leaving soon. When I tell her I no longer have the desire to her response is "yeah, but I want to." Translation: I want it, so now it has to be done. Never mind that I asked her for years to fix things and she never wanted to. Now that I've checked out she wants to fix things. She's selfish and should have worked on it from the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

*Re: Re: Positive aspects on being sexless*



P51Geo1980 said:


> YUP, I completely agree. I'm in a sexless marriage and would never cheat but I can totally understand why someone in my situation would. Sexless marriages are rarely good marriages and the withholding spouse is usually selfish in other aspects of his/ her life as well. They usually also have very little respect for their spouse.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably true mostly but I'm in the sexless marriage where my wife isn't selfish giving of herself so much to kids, parents, home, friends, etc that if creates a natural excuse as she has no time or thoughts of sex or her husband's intimacy needs. These situations are especially troubling because you get labeled as insensitive to their demands. "You don't or can't understand "


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Positive aspects on being sexless*

No chance of pregnancy/babies/STDs.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Probably true mostly but I'm in the sexless marriage where my wife isn't selfish giving of herself so much to kids, parents, home, friends, etc that if creates a natural excuse as she has no time or thoughts of sex or her husband's intimacy needs. These situations are especially troubling because you get labeled as insensitive to their demands. "You don't or can't understand "


Labeled by her, right? For me, that's a lesser, but still an added problem. I am not a priority for her, at all. Maybe she'll buy me things -- usually things that I don't need and she no longer understands the things I want -- but there's no time nor attention, in or out of the bedroom. 

Life in suburbia and keeping p with the Joneses matters. I, of course, don't even match up to the husbands who "pay attention" to their wives. My wife observes them "paying attention" at public events or parties -- the same kinds of things where she won't g without me, but leaves me as soon as we get there so she can join her suburban wife friends complaining about everything under the sun. 

By extension, nothing I've provided is good enough, and I am really starting to hate her.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Well ... ok, I've been sick for the past few days. Flu symptoms ... aches, fever, swollen and sore throat. Completely laid me out Saturday night through Monday afternoon. I guess one good thing about having a wife that doesn't care about sex is that I have zero pressure to perform under those circumstances. The bad thing is that without the emotional connection maintained with sex, she couldn't give a crap and doesn't lift a finger to help me out. Oddly despite being sick, I've been really horny ... spent the weekend under a blanket with my hand on my junk, lol.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ooh, thought of another one. As I get older, in another 10-15 years if ED ever becomes a problem, I'll save a fortune not having to get "help".

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Something positive about the temporary sexless-ness: 
It has forced my husband to take a good look at our marriage and work on the issues/problems we have.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

*Re: Re: Positive aspects on being sexless*



Anonymous07 said:


> Something positive about the temporary sexless-ness:
> It has forced my husband to take a good look at our marriage and work on the issues/problems we have.


Geez Louise that is the furthest thing from my wife's mind. I really don't think she knows how this impacts me


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> Something positive about the temporary sexless-ness:
> It has forced my husband to take a good look at our marriage and work on the issues/problems we have.


It's so much friction without the sex and intimacy, it can make stressfull times out of moments which really aren't that stressful.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

If you are an unmarried Christian, you don't have to worry about breaking the fornication sin.

You don't have to worry about transimittable vd's.

You don't have to worry about fathering any children that are not yours, or not getting pregnant if you are a female.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Loneliness brings with it genuine inspiration; it elevates artistic expression


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

The only real positive of a sexless marriage is the chance to turn it around and never go down that dark alley again


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

There are no positive aspects to being sexless


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I agree with Holland on this 100%.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Your wife has EA? Emotional Affairs? Cheating.....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> You are just so wrong with this line. There are others here on TAM that are now in sexless marriages that are not cheating. By saying that
> you are making a blanket statement that people that suffer in sexless marriages are going to cheat, it just is not so.
> 
> There are people that get all the sex they want and they go out and cheat.
> ...



Why did you waste your life and time marrying a LD guy when you are Ultra high drive? Why? You could of chosen to marry someone else who does have a high sex drive. Makes no sense.

Many men and ladies who have emotional affairs, sexting, cams, go out for the evening with co workers and some have physical affairs. The longer you go without sex, that closeness that a loving hubby and wifee must share, the more likely you will stray. It doesn't always mean physical sex. Could be an emotional affair but that still is straying and cheating.

When these men and women do this, its because they are starved. They can only take it so long. We all are human and weak. Do you think these men and women are going to tell their other half? Really?! No. The other half won't find out, or usually doesn't find out. So being in a sexless marriage, thinking everything is great, is very naive.

In fact, being in a sexless marriage is a huge red flag!!!

If you aren't having great sex with the man or woman you love and married, there are reasons for that.....

You may have strong morals and good character. Great. But look at all the posts on TAM, near sexless marriages, then finding out their spouse had or was having an affair.....and they never would of guessed it. I've read too many of these here, all claiming their marriage was fine being near sexless.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Question is how did they get in the sexless marriage mode in the first place? No one wakes up and says today I'm going to make my marriage sexless at least consciously. It develops over a period of time through a series of bad marriage maintenance or none at all.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> Question is how did they get in the sexless marriage mode in the first place? No one wakes up and says today I'm going to make my marriage sexless at least consciously. It develops over a period of time through a series of bad marriage maintenance or none at all.



Our "partners" do, over a period of a few months. Once the decision is made, following events occur largely to justify sexlessness rather than the other way around.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You just don't get it CB. I fully understand what living in a sexless marriage entails. BTW I didn't waste my life, I have amazing children, some difficult life lessons, a string of investment properties etc. I also now have the most amazing, fulfilling relationship I could ever have wished for because I knew what I didn't want when I started dating after divorce.

Anyway you made a blanket statement that the person being sex starved WILL cheat but you are wrong, simple as that.

But you didn't answer my question, you are in a dysfunctional marriage, have you cheated?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> You just don't get it CB. I fully understand what living in a sexless marriage entails. BTW I didn't waste my life, I have amazing children, some difficult life lessons, a string of investment properties etc. I also now have the most amazing, fulfilling relationship I could ever have wished for because I knew what I didn't want when I started dating after divorce.
> 
> Anyway you made a blanket statement that the person being sex starved WILL cheat but you are wrong, simple as that.
> 
> But you didn't answer my question, you are in a dysfunctional marriage, have you cheated?



Nope, never cheated but came close many times. After the 5 love languages quiz together, my wifee got it and started losing weight, getting in shape and went from LD to AD "Average Drive" and she even is open to oiled hand and breast jobs now. No complaints on my end. I am happy and if things continue, even happier. 

Would I of married a LD to sexless spouse and say its great just because I have kids? No. That marriage would still be a waste of time, with or without kids.

Will all sexless marriages lead to affairs? No. But read through the posts here and see how many near sexless marriages are happy, never had an emotional or physical affair and found out later on they did. You will be hard pressed to find a happy near sexless marriage, Hard Pressed!!!

Having that closeness, sex, is what makes you more than friends and room mates. Why marry a good friend or room mate? No point at all and a waste of time.

You are only young once and in your prime. Why waste it? Makes no sense.

With over 7 billion people on earth, why an Ultra high sex drive spouse (ideal) would marry a low drive one is beyond me. Kids? Money? Don't have to work much?

You are clearly not the norm and majority of relationships here, even though, you would be an ideal wife, ultra high sex drive. So many guys would kill to be married to you and want sex with you all the time. So many here.

Would I be happy in a near sexless marriage? No. Kids make a difference and okay? No.

Another poster, married, kids, LD hubby and she is ultra high drive. Found out in the end, hubby was having an affair with a co-worker but would never entertain the idea of it happening to her.......ever.

I don't care how much money you make, properties you own, kids or not. Still doesn't change the fact a sexless marriage is horrible. So you traded sex for material things and kids? I wouldn't of. You can always make more or less money. Buy one main house or a few and rent them out. Have kids or not. But sexless? Not happening and a waste of time.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't see many people on this board cheating. The majority are in sexual mismatches but cheaters seem to get run out on a rail.

Unhappy in the situation - totally. Cheating, not that I see.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lol CB all I said was that you were wrong about all those in sexless marriages WILL cheat but hey if you think otherwise then all power to you. Even when given proof that the sex starved do not always cheat you still won't believe it, then you say the opposite because it suits you to defend yourself so you can say that you haven't cheated while in the sexless part of your marriage.

So it isn't just you that hasn't cheated while in dysfunctional marriages, there are others out there too. Therefore your blanket statement that all sexless marriages create cheaters is wrong, yes?

I don't think anyone has said that sexless marriages are a good thing or that they are happy. We all know it is the same as living with a room mate, nothing new there.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> lol CB all I said was that you were wrong about all those in sexless marriages WILL cheat but hey if you think otherwise then all power to you. Even when given proof that the sex starved do not always cheat you still won't believe it, then you say the opposite because it suits you to defend yourself so you can say that you haven't cheated while in the sexless part of your marriage.
> 
> So it isn't just you that hasn't cheated while in dysfunctional marriages, there are others out there too. Therefore your blanket statement that all sexless marriages create cheaters is wrong, yes?
> 
> I don't think anyone has said that sexless marriages are a good thing or that they are happy. We all know it is the same as living with a room mate, nothing new there.


If I was going to have an affair, would I tell my wifee later? No. Would she find out. Definitely not because I would cover my bases very well. Do I? No. I don't go out much, she cuts my hair, don't go to the bars, beaches, strip clubs, nothing that could tempt me and there are many women would would love a friends with benefits setup. I was almost in one such situation a long time ago, very young sexy woman (21 years old), we started by just chatting, she loved we could talk for hours about anything, we met, and it could of gone further fast......I won't say more but I do nothing now, am very careful and only view porn from time to time. I was sexually starved, a young hottie was aggressive and wanted a friends with benefits setup with me, and I almost went for her......If I wouldn't of been sexually starved, never would of been chatting in the first place, leading to all of that years ago. See? It just happens....all the time.

If you honestly think sexless marriage and happy, healthy and never stray.......you are very mistaken, naive, and sheltered maybe?

You seem to be the main one happy in a sexless marriage, and even defending it. Why?

Why defend a sexless marriage? What a waste of time.

If there was a poll on TAM, asking how marriages are happy being near or sexless? You already know what the outcome would be........doesn't matter if there are kids or not, many properties or one, large income or lower.

If this is too personal, don't answer, okay? You are now divorced, yes? Why did you get divorced if being in sexless marriage is great?

Ask me anything you want in return.


Are there any real positive aspects being in a sexless marriage? NO.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think perhaps you missed something Holland said, cuddle. I don't see any post in which she said sexless marriages were happy or that she was happy in her sexless marriage.

I only saw that she took issue with your statement that everyone will eventually cheat.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> If I was going to have an affair, would I tell my wifee later? No. Would she find out. Definitely not because I would cover my bases very well. Do I? No. I don't go out much, she cuts my hair, don't go to the bars, beaches, strip clubs, nothing that could tempt me and there are many women would would love a friends with benefits setup. I was almost in one such situation a long time ago, very young sexy woman (21 years old), we started by just chatting, she loved we could talk for hours about anything, we met, and it could of gone further fast......I won't say more but I do nothing now, am very careful and only view porn from time to time. I was sexually starved, a young hottie was aggressive and wanted a friends with benefits setup with me, and I almost went for her......If I wouldn't of been sexually starved, never would of been chatting in the first place, leading to all of that years ago. See? It just happens....all the time.
> 
> If you honestly think sexless marriage and happy, healthy and never stray.......you are very mistaken, naive, and sheltered maybe?
> 
> ...


How on Earth did you read into my posts that being in a sexless marriage was happy or that I am defending them? I ended mine and usually suggest to others to do the same, life is too short to waste.

All I said is that your statement that people in sexless marriages ALWAYS cheat was incorrect, I and many others I know are living proof of that. You simply cannot make such sweeping generalisations.
The rest of what you are going on about is hard to work out and not relevant to anything I have said.

I divorced because being in a sexless marriage was NOT great. But I did not cheat.
I did not divorce earlier because it was not the right time and I had children to consider, nothing more, nothing less. The option was not to stay in a sexless marriage and cheat, it was stay in a sexless marriage and try to work it out which proved to be futile as my ex did not have the skill set to get past his emotional baggage from his childhood.
There is often more to life than sex, I love sex but that does not mean I have low self esteem or low morals, no way would I run around looking for sex with another man while still married, the concept is abhorrent to me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> How on Earth did you read into my posts that being in a sexless marriage was happy or that I am defending them? I ended mine and usually suggest to others to do the same, life is too short to waste.
> 
> All I said is that your statement that people in sexless marriages ALWAYS cheat was incorrect, I and many others I know are living proof of that. You simply cannot make such sweeping generalisations.
> The rest of what you are going on about is hard to work out and not relevant to anything I have said.
> ...



Its just that my impression is you are defending near sexless or sexless marriages. Just the way you come across.

You were faithful and hats off to you because after going through the majority of the posts on TAM, this is not the norm. Hats off to you for having a will of iron though.:smthumbup:

I have too many examples of a sexless marriage which leads too......

versus a sexless marriage that everyone is faithful and nothing ever happens. Too many examples.

I never said you had low self esteem or morals. Quite the contrary. I think you have high self esteem and high morals for being faithful to a LD hubby that didn't take care of your needs. Hopefully now, you have a good man that rocks your world and makes up for that lack of sex.

Sex isn't everything. True. But nothing beats sex for that physical, emotional, closeness connection, nothing. It bonds you in ways no amount of talking, money, properties, kids, will ever do.

For me anyway, a woman like you, great morals, high self esteem, ultra high sex drive, I would of married without hesitation!!!! Almost every guy here would do the same.

Ask me anything you can think of. Nothing is off the table.....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No CB I am not defending sexless marriages, I think it is akin to a living hell. In fact mine was at the end to the point that it impacted my health greatly. All I am saying is that being in one does not automatically lead to cheating.

Children do bond couples but that is not what I meant, it is the consideration of what happens to the children that is the issue and very often the reason people stay for too long in sexless marriages. 
I also do not think that money, properties make up for anything, I said that I don't think my marriage was a waste of time because when I look back we achieved a lot together. He would still be married to me now if it was what I wanted.

I don't read so many of the posts here anymore because it still triggers the pain and memories when a new member comes in with their oh so familiar story. A sexless marriage cannot be defended and the rejected is a victim IMHO. 

But yes I have since gone on to be in the relationship of my dreams with a man that is like Superman to me. We share an amazing sex life which stems from a great level of communication as well as both being very HD and enjoying similar styles of sex and adventure.

Thanks for the conversation, I don't wish to hijack any further but like you I am happy to be asked anything. I lived the nightmare, survived it and am now living the dream.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> No CB I am not defending sexless marriages, I think it is akin to a living hell. In fact mine was at the end to the point that it impacted my health greatly. All I am saying is that being in one does not automatically lead to cheating.
> 
> Children do bond couples but that is not what I meant, it is the consideration of what happens to the children that is the issue and very often the reason people stay for too long in sexless marriages.
> I also do not think that money, properties make up for anything, I said that I don't think my marriage was a waste of time because when I look back we achieved a lot together. He would still be married to me now if it was what I wanted.
> ...



In the end, you got out of that living hell and now everything is much better.:smthumbup:

And you didn't cheat either. High morals and self esteem right there, were as many here on TAM would not of done so....

An Ultra high sex drive lady like yourself is a major catch.

Would I of married an ultra high sex drive woman from day 1 instead of a LD wifee for 14 years? YES.

Time for a lot of sex for the years lost.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unfortunately not everyone's marriage is sexless by the pure definition of the term, i.e. Nothing. There's the legal or quasi legal definition of 10x a year, an ironic value that comes close to the universal LD constant of once a month... So even by the 10x. per year standard the 12x'ers come out as golden.

Thinking of the LD cases I've seen on TAM in the last year it seems to me there's more of the 8-12x'ers than the 0-8x'ers. It's a semantic difference as well as a legal one.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

pierrematoe said:


> Question is how did they get in the sexless marriage mode in the first place? No one wakes up and says today I'm going to make my marriage sexless at least consciously. It develops over a period of time through a series of bad marriage maintenance or none at all.




Resentments. Bottom line. Every disagreement petty or major that was never resolved, rug swept, ignored or whatever. It eats at you. You start changing little things to avoid a fight, but that just makes you madder, it's a vicious cycle. 

It can take years to unravel the tangled mess of feelings and neglect. When you are in the position of voicing your grievances and it's become a broken record, the other person tunes it out and is tired of hearing about it. Now, who is in the mood for sex. Maybe the first few years, but that's when it's just getting fun. All these unresolved issues have a counterweight affect, niceness slides away, date nights dwindle down, talking and sharing dwindles down, now who's up for a roll in the hay....

Let's keep going. 10 years out. The random hand holding stops, giving little "thinking of you" gifts stop, who wants to go on a date with an angry person and be trapped in a car with them and be forced to sit close to them and eat, so that stops, you both stop sharing inside jokes, or at least don't have any new ones. There is just this air of tension just under the surface, and both of you are walking on eggshells. Should we have sex now????

When you get to year 15-18, it's usually the breaking point. Not saying this is a template that everybody follows, sometimes a spouse can carry on for years and never give one inkling that something is wrong, until it reaches a breaking point. 

By this time date nights are far and few between, general niceties are often forgotten about. Now conversations are impersonal and formal. Kids, money, jobs, car repairs/home repairs, other chores. The bond is so thin. Inside jokes are forgotten, and replaced with blank stares, tension is no longer just the under current, now it's at surface level. It's always surrounding you. 

At year 20, you are just roommates. Ships passing in the night. The thought of starting down the "fix-it" road is dark, long, twisty, and scary. It took 10, or 15 years to get to this point. How do you even begin to pin point the problem. You can't see past yesterday let alone over the last 10 years. It's a mountain, and you both are so mad at the other. Dumbass fights about the pets, or the dishwasher, or money have pulled you apart. You just don't remember if you actually hate them, or if it's been so long since they loved you, you go back and forth trying to decode fights, but you can't make heads or tails it just dosent add up. Time to check out. 

And that beings us to year 25 and after. Both have checked out. Not out of hatred, but fear and doubt. It's still the same mountain of bullsh!t but it's been even longer now and the vicious cycle keeps going. Should we have sex now?????

That's my take on it.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)




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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> It's so much friction without the sex and intimacy, it can make stressfull times out of moments which really aren't that stressful.


This:iagree:. We are totally sexless, and there is always an underlying current in our house. When I leave work, I always assume that she's in a foul mood because the kids are whiny, etc., because if that's the case, then it's my fault because I'm not home to help out, and this just ratchets up the stress level way beyond what it should be (all kids at this age are whiny). Some regular sex might alleviate some of the stress, but that's too much to ask.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

All the built up anger and resentment are gone now. The crescendo built up resulting in a separation. We've worked through those issues and now we are friends, living together as husband and wife without physical contact of any type. I tried to bring intimacy back but each effort was derailed by the same dynamic that is at the root of our marital problems in the first place.

I'd like to say that I can find peace if I never again get to enjoy sharing myself with a woman. I know that at this point I never will have that opportunity again unless I change my circumstances. The cost of changing my circumstances is very high. The cost of living in a sexless marriage is very high no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I don't need a connection with people at that level in order to be happy. The truth is that it wears at me daily ... to the point that you just want to give up. What scares me is that giving up on that feels like giving up on life itself. That fear is a pretty convincing argument for changing my circumstances. If I don't have hope in my life then what do I have?

You can try to find the silver lining behind a sexless marriage but the net sum is always in the negative.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> All the built up anger and resentment are gone now. The crescendo built up resulting in a separation. We've worked through those issues and now we are friends, living together as husband and wife without physical contact of any type. I tried to bring intimacy back but each effort was derailed by the same dynamic that is at the root of our marital problems in the first place.
> 
> I'd like to say that I can find peace if I never again get to enjoy sharing myself with a woman. I know that at this point I never will have that opportunity again unless I change my circumstances. The cost of changing my circumstances is very high. The cost of living in a sexless marriage is very high no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I don't need a connection with people at that level in order to be happy. The truth is that it wears at me daily ... to the point that you just want to give up. What scares me is that giving up on that feels like giving up on life itself. That fear is a pretty convincing argument for changing my circumstances. If I don't have hope in my life then what do I have?
> 
> ...


Don't give up on your life. If your relation partner doesn't really care about your life, see it for what it is.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The real killer is that from where I sit it takes fairly little actual effort to an "acceptable" intimate life. It's not that we were all married to nymphos at age 25 that turned into Frigitta the Frozen Princess at 50. So reviving any kind of acceptable intimate life would not be that difficult logistics wise.

The killer is what our partners give up in order to preserve the status quo vs what they get by preserving the status quo. Over the last couple years i have not exactly been a model spouse - as a fellow poster correctly said about me in another post, she's working on her LD-ness to avoid having to deal with a "cold and contemptuous" spouse down the road. Is that worth the effort?

The real killer is that anyone with room temperature IQ or better can do the math, move the sex meter from 0% to, say, 30%, not a lot of effort (it's not a linear scale ) but gets to gain a ton. Great rate if return.

This is more frustrating than the occasional sex or no sex. Think if your kid perpetually brings home grades like b's and c's, you check with his teacher and all his grades are 79, 88, etc. Right at the point where a little effort pays a lot (non linear, remember?)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Your wife has EA? Emotional Affairs? Cheating.....







She had one EA. About five years ago, lasted about 7 months. I caught her, and put a stop to it two or three times.



I like to believe it is really stopped, 98% sure it is. But we both rug swept, for different reasons. It is still an issue for me, though.





And absolutely that was cheating -- HER cheating. I have not cheated and am determined to never go that route. I do have compassion for those in marriages with spouses that are not willing to work on the issues. If they truly tried, I cannot blame them for choosing the only path to sanity they can see besides divorce.



As for me, I would rather choose divorce. And will, if that is what it takes.



To be cheated on or neglected does not automatically make one cheat.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> All the built up anger and resentment are gone now. The crescendo built up resulting in a separation. We've worked through those issues and now we are friends, living together as husband and wife without physical contact of any type. I tried to bring intimacy back but each effort was derailed by the same dynamic that is at the root of our marital problems in the first place.
> 
> I'd like to say that I can find peace if I never again get to enjoy sharing myself with a woman. I know that at this point I never will have that opportunity again unless I change my circumstances. The cost of changing my circumstances is very high. The cost of living in a sexless marriage is very high no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I don't need a connection with people at that level in order to be happy. The truth is that it wears at me daily ... to the point that you just want to give up. What scares me is that giving up on that feels like giving up on life itself. That fear is a pretty convincing argument for changing my circumstances. If I don't have hope in my life then what do I have?
> 
> ...







I hear you.



About a year ago I heard myself say, in response to a friend asking why I wouldn't start exercising: It would just make me live longer, and what's the point in that? I don't want to prolong it.



I have for so long been pushing away life, giving up the dream. There is a song I used to like that says "But when I dream, I dream of you...maybe someday you'll come true.". I realized recently I no longer "dream" -- which saddened me.



I am determined to live again, with drive and passion. If that means I have to end my marriage, I prefer that over just waiting to die.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

john117 said:


> The real killer is that from where I sit it takes fairly little actual effort to an "acceptable" intimate life. It's not that we were all married to nymphos at age 25 that turned into Frigitta the Frozen Princess at 50. So reviving any kind of acceptable intimate life would not be that difficult logistics wise.
> 
> The killer is what our partners give up in order to preserve the status quo vs what they get by preserving the status quo. Over the last couple years i have not exactly been a model spouse - as a fellow poster correctly said about me in another post, she's working on her LD-ness to avoid having to deal with a "cold and contemptuous" spouse down the road. Is that worth the effort?
> 
> ...





Perhaps with a little more effort you could refuse the 30% being offered, and reap the rewards of the truly sexless marriage that accurately reflects the level of connection between you.



I amnot trying to be flippant or snarky. Rather, I think I see your point. In fact, I think frequently one of these days she just might dial it up from zero to maybe 10 and that'll just be enough for me to wait it out dispassionatly/indifferently to die here. I don't want to do that!



I know you have the IQ to see that and cchoose differently. It is none of my business, but I do wonder sometimes why you choose to stay considering the things you put up with (besides sex-related). Well, more accurately, I wonder if YOU truly know. I have heard you state reasons, but I wonder if you have more. I hope you do, fwiw. And I mean that in a nice way.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Funny thing happened on the way to the bedroom... Just like LD's often have their own SLA which spells out how much they're willing to go for, so do non LD's.

A little common sense dictates that while it is tempting to accept the offered SLA it is more prudent to reject it and treat the marriage for what it is. Or is not 

Accepting the offered SLA implies consent that you agree the level offered is acceptable. Reject it and act accordingly.

There's bigger issues than sex in the picture. I don't put up with anything else. Treat the other person as you would a roommate and be done with it. No point in offering more than needed.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Depends on how the LD approaches

1 - she leans over while watching the NCAA tournament during an exciting potential upset and says "I suppose we could have sex if you really want" I'll pass

Or

2 - she walks in the room with a sexy outfit on carrying a banana cream pie and says "care for some dessert honey? It's really creamy" BAM


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

pierrematoe said:


> Depends on how the LD approaches
> 
> 1 - she leans over while watching the NCAA tournament during an exciting potential upset and says "I suppose we could have sex if you really want" I'll pass
> 
> ...


The one and only time my wife initiated in the last decade or so ... my daughters had left for school and I'm scrambling to get out of the house to make a meeting with the CEO of our company. I was a principal in this meeting and had to be there for the start of it. I'm running late and knew I had to break speed limits to get there in time. I'm all packed up and heading out the door and my wife leans over the railing on the second floor with no clothes on and asks me if I want to have sex ... "it can be a quickie if you want." WTF? Now? Really? You could have asked any time in the 315 million seconds that made up the last ten years and you pick now? Of course, I didn't say that but ... sheesh. 

The two core issues in our marriage are lack of communication and intimacy. Interestingly, when she decides she wants to discuss something important, she frequently picks the worst times to do it. I don't know how many times I've had my hand on the door getting ready to leave when she says ... "can we talk about X?" Really? Are you testing me on purpose?

If she wants me to initiate, it is really difficult to tell. I can't remember the last time she made herself up for me or put on a sexy outfit. She usually sits around the house in her raggedy 15 year old nightgown and only gets dressed when she is going out.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

What's the score? I'll take a shot.

Positive - 1% 
Negative - 99%


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't believe there are any positive aspects of a sexless marriage. Our marriage barely survived it and we were both unhappy. My biggest regret is not figuring out how to fix it faster.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> I don't believe there are any positive aspects of a sexless marriage. Our marriage barely survived it and we were both unhappy. My biggest regret is not figuring out how to fix it faster.


I'm curious, how did you fix it Giro?


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

*Re: Re: Positive aspects on being sexless*



Horizon said:


> I'm curious, how did you fix it Giro?


Yes very interested in the solution Giro


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Horizon said:


> I'm curious, how did you fix it Giro?


I'm very reluctant to talk about this here because there are so many hurt people here still suffering. I don't want to tell people how to fix their problem because every marriage is different with multifaceted issues. (I'm also still very prone to avoiding conflict.) maybe the rest of the LD people really are just evil selfish people and I am the exception.

For me sex was easier in the beginning when our connection wasn't as deep. I was rebelling against my family, the excitement of a new relationship, not as much stress. As we became closer I became more uncomfortable with intimacy and being vulnerable. Those voices in my head telling me I was being used, I was dirty, I needed to protect myself.

It took a lot of studying to begin to heal. I read hundreds of books on shame, sex, fear of intimacy, etc. It took some therapy. The therapy was so hard. It was humbling, painful, enlightening, and frustrating. Just because you figure out why you are avoiding intimacy doesn't mean it is easy to fix.

H and I had to go through some exercises in the beginning that were so difficult. Just learning how to be naked in front of him without feeling bad was so hard. To retrain your mind and body from dreading sex to enjoying and initiating sex is really hard. I still have trouble initiating. The little voice in my head warning me of danger is still there but I am much better at redirecting my thoughts in a positive way.

I don't know if I consciously picked the perfect man for me or if I was just lucky, but my husband was the biggest part of our recovery. ❤ He never shamed or blamed me. I don't know why. He certainly got frustrated but he never threatened me, he never invalidated my feelings. He says that he recognized that the warm, caring person he knew me to be with everyone didn't match up with my detached personality in the bedroom. There was a definite disconnect. He thought of me as broken and fixable and proceeded accordingly. We both tend to be logical, maybe that helped? We knew there was a problem and there was going to be a solution.

I wish that I hadn't been so arrogant in the beginning to think that I had escaped my original dysfunctional family unscathed. That was my biggest mistake. I wish that I had been brave enough right away to tell my husband all of my fears. To think that we struggled for ten years makes me sad and angry at the same time. I'm so grateful that he stayed with me, that he forgives me. I'm still working on forgiving myself...and continuing to heal and grow.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

This is the only thing I can come up with:

I can tell you the day, the hour and what the weather was like when #2 and #3 were conceived

Seriously, it's hard to think of any benefits....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Giro, you're correct when you say that it is hard work to "fix" it, and that it is difficult to do even if you know the reasons. 

A lot of it may have something to do with the lack of understanding of the importance of emotional connections. My wife simply does not believe this exists any more than she believes there exist unicorns...

Perhaps in her country women in their 50s and later don't have sex, not openly at least. Or, more likely, they do but infrequently. They also do not discuss such things so therapy is unlikely. The rest of her reasons, BPD, tragic family events related to affair, etc, are just icing on the cake. 

All this points to a rather messed up set of stereotypes (preconceived notions) of gender relationships.

Consider the example.... My daughters were not "allowed" to date in high school. Of course there are ways around that (for my older one at least) and she managed just fine. Now mom is gravely concerned that the girls do not meet anyone in college :rofl: and they don't have the selection skills to properly assess men :rofl:. In her mind of course young ladies should be able to assess male suitors after one or two dates and without any "benefits".

So, at some point you run into preconceived notions like those above and that's all she wrote.

So consider yourself lucky that you figured it out before it got ugly.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> The one and only time my wife initiated in the last decade or so ... my daughters had left for school and I'm scrambling to get out of the house to make a meeting with the CEO of our company. I was a principal in this meeting and had to be there for the start of it. I'm running late and knew I had to break speed limits to get there in time. I'm all packed up and heading out the door and my wife leans over the railing on the second floor with no clothes on and asks me if I want to have sex ... "it can be a quickie if you want." WTF? Now? Really? You could have asked any time in the 315 million seconds that made up the last ten years and you pick now? Of course, I didn't say that but ... sheesh.
> 
> The two core issues in our marriage are lack of communication and intimacy. Interestingly, when she decides she wants to discuss something important, she frequently picks the worst times to do it. I don't know how many times I've had my hand on the door getting ready to leave when she says ... "can we talk about X?" Really? Are you testing me on purpose?
> 
> If she wants me to initiate, it is really difficult to tell. I can't remember the last time she made herself up for me or put on a sexy outfit. She usually sits around the house in her raggedy 15 year old nightgown and only gets dressed when she is going out.







CEO was female?



Similar body type?




My last two offers from my wife were oddly timed. I suspect the difficulty she had perceived I would have in taking her up on it was a subconscious driver behind the offer. Suspect, but will never know.... But you know in certain programming circles, there is a thing called "Duck Typing". Might apply in my marriage. After a decade or so, it might as well!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Ragged 15 year old gown it is. Never mind 3 sets of silk pajamas in the closet...

When I mention revenge, jokingly or not, there's a reason.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Giro,



Success stories like yours are very rare around here (they exist). I will treasure any words you care to offer.



I'm on the sex+intimacy+love_starved side in my house. Though I have had strong sexual desires since the early days, for many many years shame and embarrassment were linked to sexuality for me, and I think that I absorbed that somehow growing up.



So, I can see how such things can really inhibit a person. Even now, living from a rather earthy-based moral view, and having consciously concluded that things like masturbation are so very much NOT shameful, the negative feelings can sometimes come back.



Change is difficult. I admire that you chose to do it. I applaud that you succeeded.



Thanks for sharing.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> *CEO was female?*
> 
> Yes
> 
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Now I have to ask how you guessed that?


Really? It's not obvious? Your wife was threatened by your relationship with the CEO.

Imagine if your wife was going for a dinner meeting and drinks with her CEO, a guy who was very similar to you, but just a little better in every category. A little taller, a little thinner, a little more alpha or whatever. Now imagine that just before this meeting you bent your wife over and made sure she went to meet him with a nice full load. What would you call that? Marking your territory! C0ck blocking! You get the picture. That's what your wife was doing.

So now that you know how she reacts, how can you use that information? What are you doing Friday night? Going out for drinks without her?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

How I guessed?



Well, I happened to remember you once had a CEO with those attributes (you mentioned it). (What can I say, I am the Cliff Claven of interpersonal relationship facts of anonymous contributors to internet forums.)



So, when you mentioned the word "CEO" this second time, neurons fired taking me back to the first.



I am not 100% sure WorkingOnMe's assertion is correct, but it does seem plausible, likely even.



As Cliff Claven can likely tell you, the human marsupial brane is really quiet the complexity. That much has been proven by quantumfiable mechanics such as Richard Feynman and dramatized on the television program Quantum Leaps. 


Really, it is risky to try to guess another's motivations/drivers even when I know that person intimately well and have seen the behaviors first hand. But I find myself wondering if subconsciously your wife feels she doesn't deserve you and so withholds part of herself to a) keep you off balance and perpetually perplexed and struggling to find the right key to her heart (and chastity belt), and b) avoid fully investing and revealing her self (being vulnerable) because she fears once seen (figuratively and otherwise) you will recognize you can do better.



I don't mean to be harsh on her, and I am just speculating. And I hasten to point out, no one said you have to crack the uncrackable code before you can choose to head for Fiji (a Truman Show reference). You deserve what awaits you in Fiji, no matter what.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Giro,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you, that is so kind. I'm never sure if it helps to give people hope here. I never realized how rare it is to be able to get past this problem. If someone's spouse is so selfish that they can't even admit there is a problem what hope can you really have? For the people out there who believe that their spouse does love them, acknowledges that there is a problem, but doesn't know how to fix it I think there is hope.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> Thank you, that is so kind. I'm never sure if it helps to give people hope here. I never realized how rare it is to be able to get past this problem. If someone's spouse is so selfish that they can't even admit there is a problem what hope can you really have? For the people out there who believe that their spouse does love them, acknowledges that there is a problem, but doesn't know how to fix it I think there is hope.







The value in your words isn't that they might give hope.



The value is they might help someone understand where justifiable hope exists, and, where it doesn't.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Really? It's not obvious? Your wife was threatened by your relationship with the CEO.
> 
> Imagine if your wife was going for a dinner meeting and drinks with her CEO, a guy who was very similar to you, but just a little better in every category. A little taller, a little thinner, a little more alpha or whatever. Now imagine that just before this meeting you bent your wife over and made sure she went to meet him with a nice full load. What would you call that? Marking your territory! C0ck blocking! You get the picture. That's what your wife was doing.
> 
> So now that you know how she reacts, how can you use that information? What are you doing Friday night? Going out for drinks without her?


Ha! It isn't obvious from where I'm sitting but that requires context. 1) My wife personally knows my (former) CEO and has a great deal of admiration for her ... especially in regards to her impeccable integrity, 2) I had regular interaction with our CEO so this wasn't unusual, 3) it was a morning meeting in a boardroom with several other participants ... not dinner and drinks, and 4) I am not attracted to the big and obese body type at all ... I am lean and athletic and something more comparable to that is my preferred body type.

The whole idea of me and the CEO even having the potential for getting it on is so unappealing that coming to that conclusion is not at all obvious, lol.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> How I guessed?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Another positive aspect. Time to try out new male toys like the Tenga Flip Hole


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Plenty of benefits from a sexless marriage. You spend much less on presents. You can forget your anniversary without consequences. You don't have to pay attention to the "honey do" list. You aren't wasting money on dinner out or hotel rooms or romantic vacations. You don't have to pretend to remember the names of her friends or their children or why / how she met them. You don't have to pretend to care about her friends. You don't have to be polite to your mother in law. The list is almost endless.

Bottom line: sexless = freedom. What can they do to you? They have already taken away the best part of marriage. At that point, any additional pain they try to inflict is a welcome distraction form the pain of sexlessness.

The fact that it took 10 or 11 pages of replies to put together a decent list of benefits shows that the rest of you are hopeless amateurs at this sexless marriage gig.


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