# She wants me to get a 2nd job or put in more overtime



## newfather101 (May 6, 2011)

I'm a male and We just had a beautiful daughter, and I've been saving since we found out. Since August, I've come up with 10k in savings. I'm currently a teacher and make about 65k/year. I also privately tutor on Tuesdays and Thursday making an extra 300 per week. I'm one of the happiest guys you'll every meet and it's because of my life/family/and job. She has a job, but doesn't make near as much which is fine. I feel I work a lot already (with grading/and other stuff). I enjoy the summer time and do not work so I can energize my batteries for the next school year. This is a time to relax, enjoy my daughter and appreciate the fact that I chose a great job that allows me to get paid all year long even though I don't always work. Now she wants me to get a job in the summer and work more overtime hours during the year. If this happens, my happiness will diminish quickly. I don't want this to happen. She keeps saying, "We have a daughter and we need to support her." We already make enough money. What the hell? I feel like the happiness in our marriage has been fading for a while, but this could put me over the edge and I do NOT want that to happen.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Is she trying to get rid of you? I say that because my best friend wishes her husband would get a job that required him to travel. She says he's home too much and she's happier when he's gone.

Regardless you're the man. Just say no.


----------



## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

It sounds like you have big differences in perspective. What are her goals financially? How about yours? At what point would she feel that your daughter is being adequetly supported?


You mentioned that you're taking the summer off. The reasons you mentioned sound nice. Does she agree with this sentiment though? You expressed how nice it will be to have the summertime to spend with your daughter. It sounds like she is interpreting this as being lazy and not caring about your family.

Even if this isn't true, it seems to be how she feels. Her response to these feelings is to bug you about finding another job. I think for her it is more about displaying dedication than about money.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

A couple of months off during the summer is unusual for most working folks.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

michzz said:


> A couple of months off during the summer is unusual for most working folks.


True but he's a teacher. Its a big reason they signed up for that gig in the first place (my sister is a teacher). And summer doesn't last that long anyway. 8 weeks? After many years with a company you get what 3-4 weeks off? This isn't that far off. Plus his wife also wants him to work more during the school year too not just summers.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Estimate how much fluff is in your budget. In other words, we all have expenses that we consider to be necessities, but they're not. Things like drinks when she goes out to eat, or massages. All of us have some. Maybe its 5%. Counter that you might consider the work after she commits to cutting this 5%, and it doesn't get your finances to where they need to be.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why doesn't she get another job if she feels you don't have enough. Or make a deal with her, you'll match the number of extra hrs she puts in. You priorities are sound you have enough money and you can enjoy a time with your daughter that is irreplaceable. 

This is financial incompatibility and like all mismatches, you have negotiate a settlement. Find out what she want to do with the extra money and why she is not willing to allow the father of her child time to enjoy his kid. Talk to her about your priorities that you wrote so nicely about here. First agree on priorities and then determine if you actually need more money to accomplish them. The highest priority is time with family from your point of view. 

If her priorities are different you may be able to work out a schedule for her to put in extra hrs. If she objects to working the extra hrs find out why? Please stand your ground, you are not her workhorse just because you are her husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

H - I don't think he should even consider working if she cuts the budget. The money that is cut is not equal in value to the extra stress and labor that he has to expend. The exchange leaves him short changed on time and I think it is not fair. They should both put in more hrs if it comes to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's missing is true dialogue. Get a professional involved.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You have a newborn daughter and you already have $10k in savings? I'd say you are doing pretty good. You make $65k a year doing what you love and you also make an additional $15k tutoring on the side? Thats $80k just on your income. "We have a daughter and we need to support her"? She will hardly starve on your income and your wife works as well further adding to the household income. If making more money is so important, then tell your wife to get a better paying job or take on a second one. You are more than doing your fair share.
$10k saved when she is a newborn if wisely invested could amount to alot. Take that money and put it in to a 529 plan and continue to add $50 or a $100 a paycheck. In 18 years, you will be able to afford a very elite private university, if you so chose.
Kudos on being a teacher. I think more men should. It sounds like you love what you do and you have a zest for life. I am sure your students see this. Rock on and enjoy your summers! Your daughter will be better for it.

**Wanted to add that my favorite teacher ever was Mr. Franklin. He looked like George Jefferson but was a former Marine. He scared the snot out of me. I grew to love him. I will never forget him**


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

This world has a lot of money, you can never have enough! 

This world has a lot of fancy stuff, you always want more!

If a person is never satisfied with what she has now, she will never be happy. If a person is always comparing herself with her friends and neighbors, the race is endless. 

Using your daughter to make you work more is just a disguise to cover her own vanity and greed. 

Being a teacher is exhausting, I myself know that very well. I used to teach 30 hours a week, I made a lot of money, but I had no energy to enjoy my time and my life. A lot of money I made was spent on expensive restaurants and some other things. I could remember I was always exhausted and frustrated. 

Now I work only 20 some hours, my hours are one third less, my salary is one third less, but I feel my happiness is one third more. I am much more relaxed and much more cheerful. 

Money isn't every thing. 

Whoever leads a life full of love and happiness is rich. 

This kind of wealth is unseen, it is not flashy, but it is true in heart.


----------



## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Geez, your income sounds like a dream come true to me. See, different perspectives make all the difference. 

You seriously have your dream life! How lucky are you?!?!


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> H - I don't think he should even consider working if she cuts the budget. The money that is cut is not equal in value to the extra stress and labor that he has to expend. The exchange leaves him short changed on time and I think it is not fair. They should both put in more hrs if it comes to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I was getting at, but not clearly. I said that he should only consider it if she cut the fluff and it still didn't help. Could've been clearer, but its pretty obvious that the problem is her expectations. Lots more than financials change if a person commits to a more frugal lifestyle. You start needing less. Based on what little is revealed, the OP is doing an incredible job of saving, but we have to accept that most people will never accept this until they get off the cash bus.

In my case, I made less than him when my kids were small. My wife obviously talked about our needs, but she did her part. She explored ways of cooking more frugally and taught me the skills when I cooked and shopped also. When I decided to get a second job, I never once had the thought that she wasn't doing her share. It was completely my decision to get it, and she looked at it as a boundary that she wouldn't cross. Later, when the kids were in school, she worked more, but my base salary had doubled by this time.

I don't think its easy to establish the boundaries without seeing some sort of benefit, though. Too many of us accept that our current spending habits are necessities.

What too many people don't get, however, is that a person can be nudged into a new mindset far easier than being argued into it. By working deliberatly, her new mindset can become a focus on reducing expenses.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's telling you that financial security is important to her.

Rather than let her dictate to you your working schedule, you should demonstrate to her through words and actions how you are taking care of the family in the financial sense, for both the long and short term.

The other possibility is maybe she wants to stop working? Again, rather than have her dicate how often you work, you should lay out how you want things to work, while making sure her needs for financial securaity are addressed.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

It sounds like she wants to be a stay at home mom.

when you get the extra job and work more overtime then she will make her move to stay at home.

she will say your doing such a good job I don't need to work anymore.arn't our children more important.

sound kinda selfish to me.



samething happened to me and now the kids are older and she dosn't want to go back into the work force.


I'd becarefull how you handle this.and I wouldn't have anymore children until you guys have it figured out.

good luck


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Having 8 weeks off in the summer seems like a luxury to me... Is there something in particular she thinks you two need the money for? Could you split it, so you get 4 weeks to yourself and 4 weeks of extra work? Or work half days?

C


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well first off you need to establish some economic goals. And then create a plan to meet them. If you have 2 kids or 3 then what's the financial toll going to be? For instance I am putting 3 through college right now with no debt to them. They will finish with zero loans and zero credit card debt. But it takes a bit of up front planning to do that. 

So figure out what you want to accomplish first.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Halien said:


> I don't think its easy to establish the boundaries without seeing some sort of benefit, though. Too many of us accept that our current spending habits are necessities.
> 
> What too many people don't get, however, is that a person can be nudged into a new mindset far easier than being argued into it. By working deliberatly, her new mindset can become a focus on reducing expenses.


I think this is by far the best advice. It changes the conversation from a "you" (husband) to "we" (husband and wife).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Worth repeating: 


Hicks said:


> She's telling you that financial security is important to her.
> 
> Rather than let her dictate to you your working schedule, you should demonstrate to her through words and actions how you are taking care of the family in the financial sense, for both the long and short term.
> 
> The other possibility is maybe she wants to stop working? Again, rather than have her dicate how often you work, you should lay out how you want things to work, while making sure her needs for financial securaity are addressed.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you guys hired a financial planner?


----------



## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I find having kids isn't expensive but then because I don't keep keep buying materialistic things for them all the time. Infact, I don't have to as they have lots of clothes and toys at home coz family members always giving them pezzies/money. A lot of moms though do get carried away when they have a baby and they spend a lot on their little one. Maybe she wants you to earn more money to support her spending habits?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, having a baby is just one more way for women to show off.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You gotta have kids. Who else is going to chain you to the toilet and feed you dogfood and steal your Social Security checks when you're old?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You gotta have kids. Who else is going to chain you to the toilet and feed you dogfood and steal your Social Security checks when you're old?


I wish I could laugh and say how funny this is but seeing how my IL's are being treated in their old age...you aren't that far off. :scratchhead:

My husband isn't doing it but his sisters sure are.


----------

