# at my breaking point please help.



## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

So i'm gonna try to sum this up so its not extremely long. I'm 23 i have two kids(4yr old and 9 month old). I've been married for 5 years and been together for 7. He has a tendancy to lie to me well he did, its been about maybe a year since there hasn't been a mishap, so as you can probably guess, i don't have much trust in him.He is a very temperamental man anything you say wrong can make him blow up. He went to anger management but the stuff he learned didn't last long but it was great while it did. When he gets mad he throws things, yells like crazy, doesn't want to be talked to, wants to be left alone and doesn't want to be touched. when we argue its about little things and i don't understand why he has to escalate it into something more than it is. I hate it when he's mad he makes me feel like i mean nothing to him. He says hurtful things like i don't know if i want to be with you or your f*** you and other things. for example yesterday we were having a great time and we started talking and i don't know how it ended up getting to a conversation about him joking with other people and how to me it feels like hes flirting because he makes other women smile and laugh but when he jokes with me hes not joking with me hes joking about me. So he comes and sits with me and tells me "its just how i am and there's no changing that". All i said to him was i wish you would've worded that a little bit differently cause it hurt my feelings and he blew up telling me i wanted to change him and hes never gonna change because that's who he is. I apologized to him and as usual chased him into the room he was going into to try and fix the situation like i usually do. But like always it doesn't help, he gets into this like mode where he doesn't care and makes sure to say anything hurtful to me that he can and he uses those smart ass remarks i hate. When i try to approach him kindly to let him know its just miscommunication he pushes away and treats me like he hates me. I admit it the good days are good but the bad ones are extremely horrible.Last night i spent my time crying and wishing he'd be there but his mentality is i didn't make those tears happen so why should i make them go away. I've already told him i changed a bunch for him because ill do anything to keep this marriage going. i put everything i have into it. i got in bed last night and he was using his phone he had nothing to say to me and of course me wanting some kind of closure or something to end the tension so he'd hold me again, it didn't happen. i got told i was annoying for crying and told to just let it go. and he said something to me that is stuck in my mind he told me i will never change for you, it shouldn't hurt you because you know how i am. I simply said so you're saying you won't change your wording so it wont hurt me, just try to think about how you're gonna say something before you say it to me just as you asked me to do for you, and he yelled at me and told me i'm not gonna change something that hurts you, you either accept it or leave. We've had a lot of arguments like this and its all over something small, he just always thinks i'm attacking him, i don't yell and i don't like to argue. He confuses me, he tells me "don't hold your feelings in i want to know what you're feeling" but when i do he doesn't want to hear them at all. I tell him i'm just not gonna say anything to you anymore that will probably help and he says "you really think that's gonna help our marriage". If i let him know what going on, i get a mad husband who makes me feel like crap and if i don't he gets mad. There is no winning with him. I have no idea what to do anymore. I love him so much and when hes mad he can care less about me he doesn't do anything. He tries to avoid me and all i want is to talk it out and work things out with him but he never does. what do i do i hate having my kids witness this stuff, i hate dealing with a broken heart every time, he thinks this is a game, i would've left a long time ago if i didn't love him but i still try, why cant he? i change to make things better cause i know if i do we'll be happy but i'm not the only one that needs to make the changes he does as well but chooses not to, i'm in love with him but i guess sometimes love isn't enough to keep you with a person. I don't want to give up but what else can i do? I've been trying for a long time to get no effort from his side. somebody please help i could sure use some advice. another thing is i take everything he has to say in consideration but he always says hes wasting his breath and that just makes me feel like he gives up without even trying. if he tried, if he would just talk to me as opposed to going ballistic everything would be a lot better. I cant live life pretending like everything is okay but i can never talk about it with him cause he thinks i'm attacking him even if i'm just talking calmly. Why do men have to be so difficult.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

Oh honey I feel for u as I was in the same spot at your age. Do you have family that you can turn to for help? I too wanted to stay married and tried hard to make things work for years. I was miserable for along time .


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

unfortunately no, my family says its my marriage deal with it. There has to be a way to get my husband to understand, there has to be a way to fix this. Out of everything i have given up on, this is one thing i haven't given up on yet and i really don't want to.


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

Really sorry to hear you are going through this.

Reading your story, I can't help but ask, was he your first and only boyfriend? Given your math, you have been with him since you've been 16 years old. You married him upon turning 18, and you pretty much had your baby 3 months after that. You haven't really "lived". 

How old is he?

It seems to me that he KNOWS he is your whole world because you married him at a very young age. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's bad when the other party (in this case him) takes advantage of that fact.

I would suggest you open up to your family and ask them if you can count of them in case you need them. They understandably don't want to get involved in your marriage because they are afraid you might resolve this issue and will only alienate themselves from you once you're in good terms with him. 

You need to stand up for yourself, but you need friends and family to support you. I think your husband needs to keep seeing a counselor because his attitude is typical of that of a person who doesn't value / appreciate his partner. 

Are there any real flaws or complaints he points out that you may have?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He has told you over and over again that when ever you want him to do something differently, that whenever you say that you want to be treated differently, with more respect, with less anger and hurtful words, that he feels attacked. He has stated that he will not alter his behavior, no matter how hurt you feel, no matter what damage he does to your self respect, to your self esteem, to your trust, and even to the love you feel for him.

You feel you have bent this way and that in order to have a happy marriage and a happy home and asking for better treatment from your H isn't too much to ask.

You are married to an abusive man who is also incredibly immature and selfish. Do you really think there is something you can do, or say that will change things?

What you ask, that you be treated with respect, that he choose his words more carefully, that he control his anger are the very minimum of what any partner in any relationship expects. Without his respect to your feelings, you've got nothing but footprints on your back. Without his ability to control his anger, you've got nothing but a time bomb. Without his willingness to acknowledge your feelings and your right to be treated kindly, you've got nothing at all. 

Is this the relationship you want to model for your children? Is this the picture of what men are supposed to be like you want them to learn?

You seem to be operating under the premise that because you love him, because there are some good times, you will somehow find a way to make the bad times less bad. My darling, this will NOT happen. he has learned that his demands are the only ones that count and he can bully you into giving into him. 

Next time he dismisses your feelings, treats you badly, looses control of his temper, leave the room and lock yourself into another room where you are safe. Do not seek out closure for the argument, because experience has taught you that your idea of closure means he will somehow "see the light" but only ends up with you giving him consent, in one form or another, to further bully you.

Talk to him when he's calm. Tell him you will not have your feelings totally dismissed and when you are upset about being treated with disrespect, he will address his role in being disrespectful. Don't make ultimatums, don't threaten, just tell him you will not allow yourself, or your children, to be treated with disrespect by anyone.

My dear, make plans to leave. Find a friend who can put you up for a week while you find a place to stay. Gather all the insurance papers, bank account statements, mortgage or rental lease, birth certificates and keep them in a file. Make copies of everything and keep those copies with a friend.

If you can't find a friend, make contact with a women's shelter. They will help you gather what you need and help you get started on finding your own place. They will help you get legal advice and restraining orders,if need be.

Please post back with your plans and how they are coming along.

Your family should be ashamed of themselves!


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

no he wasn't my first boyfriend. He's 25. We got married young only because we had to, i needed insurance and couldn't get it unless i married him. Yup there are some things he points out that he doesn't like, such as the me trying to change him bit, which i tell him i'm not, he also says i push things onto him, and that i suffocate him with love, he wants me to balance myself in how i do things, what i don't understand is that he expects me to change all these things and i try to willingly but he chooses to not make efforts himself. i wish i knew of a more complex way to talk to him to try and make him understand where i'm coming from and my point of view but every time i say something he already has a negative thing to say. Why can't he just listen and try to compromise things with me?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

epicmommyof2 said:


> no he wasn't my first boyfriend. He's 25. We got married young only because we had to, i needed insurance and couldn't get it unless i married him. Yup there are some things he points out that he doesn't like, such as the me trying to change him bit, which i tell him i'm not, he also says i push things onto him, and that i suffocate him with love, he wants me to balance myself in how i do things, what i don't understand is that he expects me to change all these things and i try to willingly but he chooses to not make efforts himself. i wish i knew of a more complex way to talk to him to try and make him understand where i'm coming from and my point of view but every time i say something he already has a negative thing to say. Why can't he just listen and try to compromise things with me?


because he is abusive, immature and selfish. it's that simple.


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

The fact of the matter is that i committed myself to him, i'm stubborn as hell and refuse to think that he doesn't love me anymore. When i ask him even though he's angry he is still able to say he does. That's gotta mean something right. It's partially my fault. I can't seem to leave him alone when he's angry. I just hate the fact that he gets mad so quickly, so i do my best to change his mood but i end up failing and it makes him even more mad and me even more hurt. Why is it so hard for me to just leave him when he's angry. Me trying to make things better only makes things worse. I hate being in this position i just want my family to be happy. I agree with everything anon pink said it's all true, i choose to give this one last chance for the sake of my family. His only problem is his anger and i just gotta learn no matter how bad it kills me inside to leave him alone when he gets mad.


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

He is immature and selfish as hell but it only comes out when he's upset. I used to be the same way he is right now and he used to be the same way i am right now, it's like we changed roles, but if he know how much it hurt when i did it to him you'd think he wouldn't want to put that same pain upon me, he's just not the guy he used to be, i changed for the better. And whats funny is he knows he has to change somethings. usually the day after the argument he apologizes and tries to make amends and tells me that he needs to change things and he tries but everything he says seems like it was all a lie in the next argument.It's just a big circle we're in. And i know it will be until either i give up or he realizes what he's gotta do.


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

He's at work right now but i know exactly whats gonna happen when he gets home.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You realize your chasing him and desperately trying to make everything all right leaves him NO room to get himself together, right?

Remember this, Take 10. Basic anger management. Take 10 minutes alone away from the situation to pull it together and choose a response rather than allow a reaction. 

Give him time to pull it together, but after that time is up, you will be treated with respect. Don't be so needy and clingy. That probably sets him off too. 

He's still abusive, he's still immature and he's still selfish. There is nothing you can do or do differently to change this. If he can't find a way to own his behavior and make meaningful steps to do better, you have to leave.


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## epicmommyof2 (Feb 10, 2013)

yeah i do realize that. I gotta get myself together. I appreciate your advice


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