# Was i wrong



## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

I know this thread is for men... but I’m a 30 y/o female and I’m stuck. I recently ended a relationship abruptly on the 3rd of January because my fiancé did something I felt was so disrespectful. we had been having an issue with weed, he lied about it for the 3.5 years we were together. and recently told me he doesn’t want to lie about it anymore and if and when he feels like smoking he’s going to smoke regardless of how I feel about it. we argued and I started to call the wedding off, but didn’t. then we had an incident to where we had some friends over for a party and he decided to smoke. not only did he smoke but he was the one that brought the weed to the house. so I got really angry and I kicked him out of my house and gave back the ring. 

before he left he begged for forgiveness and promised not to do it anymore but I wasn’t hearing it at that moment because he told me he quit so many time before. I was so angry but a few days later I calmed down and I missed him and realized that I needed him. he is a great guy but a bit irresponsible. whereas I am very independent and very responsible. 

we have gotten into it before and I have kicked him out once before from my previous house. This time though, I’ve realized that I have been a bit irrational and over the top. I want him back and I’m not sure if I can get him back. his friends are all telling him to run and never look back because I kicked him out twice and gave back the ring he was making payment on. I’ve been really depressed and have barely slept or eaten for the past 3 weeks. I’m lost without him and I don’t know if there is anything I can do since I’ve beaten his manhood probably down to nothing. so I’m asking... if you had a good woman that has done a lot to make your life better and you love her, would you give her a second chance if she came back to explain and apologize. I’ve realized that he is much more important to me than I thought and I also started going to counseling to work on me and my reactions to feeling hurt.

yesterday I contacted him, it had been 3 weeks since we last text about our relationship because he won’t meet to speak in person or answer my phone calls. I sent him a long email and text about my discoveries and my faults and instead of realizing his faults he continued to blame me and told me he wants nothing to do with me. My friends are telling me to pursue him he I truly love him but his friends continue to tell him to run. what should I do?


Sorry its so long.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He pretty much told you his drug use is more important to him than your feelings.

That's immaturity and selfishness. Honestly, I'm not sure what issues you think you have. I don't see any based on what you've written.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It seems that your revelation is that you love him. But that doesn't address the underlying issue. He wants to smoke pot and you don't want him to. Either he must obey your demands, or you must stop trying to dominate him. Neither looks like it is likely to happen.

Good luck.


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## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

He feels my issue is that I need to be in charge. I do have a dominant personality, because I have been taking care of myself since I left for college and at 30 have accomplished more than most women my age. I take charge when things need to be done and I don’t like to see people around me fail. With him, I’ve always helped him and my counselor thinks that I may have weakened his manhood, leaving him to feel as though he can’t offer me anything. In my mind, I don’t need someone to offer me the world and buy me nice things, I just want to feel loved, honored, and respected. I want to feel like I am appreciated. I have expressed this to him on several occasions but he’s a man’s man and may feel like he needs to be my provider. Either way I can’t read his mind, and he usually doesn’t open up to me. I do love him and have pictured my future and it has always been with him. Right now instead of seeing a counselor, he is getting advise from his married buddies, though no one truly knows our struggle. His friends wives have never accomplished things on their own, except for their degree. They have all been together on and off from their early 20s. We met in my late 20s and his early 30s and we both established our own lives prior to meeting.

Honestly, I don’t know if I should continue to pursue the relationship or just give up.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What are the main reasons the marijuana bothers you? Is it the worry about legal problems? The effects on him? Are you just against all drugs, period? 

You don't have to tolerate marijuana use, but he also doesn't have to give it up. You have the right to not want to be with him if he smokes marijuana, and he has the right to not want to be with you if you're not ok with him smoking. 

In a way, I don't think the problem here is really the marijuana, I think it's the dynamic. It doesn't sound like the two of you are communicating about why you don't want him to do it or why he wants to do it. It's just "you are forbidden to do this" "you can't make me" "I said no" and then acquiescence with hidden resentment. That's more like a parent-child dynamic than a spouse dynamic.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Let his friends marry him if they think you're such a b*tch.

In most places marijuana is illegal. So until it isn't, you need to protect yourself from litigation, this includes having your home searched, being found in possession, losing any chance at jobs that require security clearance (although they are lenient about past use...) or drug testing (because you might come up positive if he smokes near you) or things like student loans if you are ever convicted. Also, if you have kids then it's an issue someone could use against your fitness to parent, if you are aware of illicit drugs in the house and do nothing to remedy the situation. 

I once told my own son (teen) that it was him or his younger siblings when it came to having pot in the house, he chose us (family) over drugs. Which was nice. He also was able to get student loans, security clearance, etc.

You could live separately, then you don't have to be kicking him out of anywhere.


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## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

I am against all drugs. We both work with children and young adults and I’m proud of the fact that I have never tried anything. I don’t like the fact that drugs and alcohol changes your mood. I do drink but not very often. There are times that I don’t think I should drink at all. It’s not worth It. As far as the dynamic, I try not to act like his mother but he can be a bit Irresponsible. If there Is anything he doesn’t like I attempt to change to meet his needs but the problem Is respect for me. I’ve told him that I will not date someone that smokes, but because he says he wants to smoke something, I agreed to cigars occasionally. but weed Is Illegal and I don’t want to compromise my future because you want to get stoned. I’ve told him that for years but he waited until 5 month before our wedding to tell me that he doesn’t care.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

He's being honest and opening up to you about a part of his life he doesn't want to give up. Can you accept him with that truth so long as the two of you agree to boundaries with his usage?

I think Homemaker dramatized the seriousness of smoking a bit, as I have never known anyone to test positive from second hand smoke. That has been a scare tactic used by so many with so little proof.
The fact is, more and more states are decriminalizing it and at some point will be controlled/regulated just like alcohol.
You say you are against all drugs? Don't you know alcohol is a drug and has way more side effects and is more dangerous than marijuana? I really don't think looking at it from the perspective of if it is legal or not as the only factor when considering what you will tolerate with his marijuana usage. What I mean by that is to use speeding as an example... It is against the law to exceed over the speed limit, yet most everyone does it from time to time. 
The factors you need to consider is how his usage can affect or harm your future and life. Where does the fact he smokes endanger your safety, legal ramifications, etc...

If you can accept him for who he is and what he wants to do, relay this to him along with your concerns and set boundaries you can both agree to.
By him seeing what level of his usage you can/will accept, might gain his confidence with you again.

The key to repairing this with him is communications.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

someonehurting said:


> I know this thread is for men... but I’m a 30 y/o female and I’m stuck. I recently ended a relationship abruptly on the 3rd of January because my fiancé did something I felt was so disrespectful. we had been having an issue with weed, he lied about it for the 3.5 years we were together. and recently told me he doesn’t want to lie about it anymore and if and when he feels like smoking he’s going to smoke regardless of how I feel about it. we argued and I started to call the wedding off, but didn’t. then we had an incident to where we had some friends over for a party and he decided to smoke. not only did he smoke but he was the one that brought the weed to the house. so I got really angry and I kicked him out of my house and gave back the ring.
> 
> before he left he begged for forgiveness and promised not to do it anymore but I wasn’t hearing it at that moment because he told me he quit so many time before. I was so angry but a few days later I calmed down and I missed him and realized that I needed him. he is a great guy but a bit irresponsible. whereas I am very independent and very responsible.
> 
> ...


So, I actually completely relate to THE MAN, not you in this situation. My husband drinks alchohol but I actively smoke MaryJane because I think it is healthier for body and mind. He smokes MJ with me sometimes but does not enjoy the way it makes him feel and chooses alchohol instead and prefers me not to smoke too often because when he does it makes his body and mind uncomfortable and he cannot comprehend that it does not do that for me. What is your reasoning behind not wanting him to smoke? Is it illegal in your state and risky or are you just uptight towards the topic? I can shed some insight on what your man is thinking, I promise haha, I totally can relate to him! Except for the fact that I am very mature and a sound and responsible person, which I don't think anyone at all who knows me would ever question that. Are you upset because of the irresponsibility? I could understand that if he is not using responsibly. 
(For all of you who know me and talk with me, this does not actively hurt or affect my relationship. Obviously I listen to my husband's cues and respect him when he puts his foot down and asks me not to! I do not expect or want any "hate" from this but you are welcome to talk to me about it...)

After I replied to all of this I realized you had answered some of my questions above. Please still reply if you think I can be of any help to you!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You do sound pretty controlling, which can be emasculating. And worse, it sounds like you'd be the same if he came back to you. Regardless of what he says, he's going to keep smoking for as long as he wants to, and it doesn't sound like you can handle him making that kind of decision for himself on his own, like a man. I think you two are just not compatible. Better for both of you to move on now, before the complications of marriage.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

John Lee said:


> What are the main reasons the marijuana bothers you? Is it the worry about legal problems? The effects on him? Are you just against all drugs, period?
> 
> You don't have to tolerate marijuana use, but he also doesn't have to give it up. You have the right to not want to be with him if he smokes marijuana, and he has the right to not want to be with you if you're not ok with him smoking.
> 
> In a way, I don't think the problem here is really the marijuana, I think it's the dynamic. It doesn't sound like the two of you are communicating about why you don't want him to do it or why he wants to do it. It's just "you are forbidden to do this" "you can't make me" "I said no" and then acquiescence with hidden resentment. That's more like a parent-child dynamic than a spouse dynamic.


Totally agree with this post, dang JohnLee, how insightful!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> It seems that your revelation is that you love him. But that doesn't address the underlying issue*. He wants to smoke pot and you don't want him to. Either he must obey your demands, or you must stop trying to dominate him*. Neither looks like it is likely to happen.
> 
> Good luck.


:iagree:


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

someonehurting said:


> I am against all drugs. We both work with children and young adults and I’m proud of the fact that I have never tried anything. I don’t like the fact that drugs and alcohol changes your mood. I do drink but not very often. There are times that I don’t think I should drink at all. It’s not worth It. As far as the dynamic, I try not to act like his mother but he can be a bit Irresponsible. If there Is anything he doesn’t like I attempt to change to meet his needs but the problem Is respect for me. I’ve told him that I will not date someone that smokes, but because he says he wants to smoke something, I agreed to cigars occasionally. but weed Is Illegal and I don’t want to compromise my future because you want to get stoned. I’ve told him that for years but he waited until 5 month before our wedding to tell me that he doesn’t care.


That's all fine, and you're entitled to feel that way about drugs. He's also entitled to feel differently. He's also not entitled to be with you, which maybe he doesn't understand. Before I read this post, I was thinking maybe there is some kind of compromise, e.g. if you're just afraid of the law, he could agree to not keep it around the house or only very small amounts. But you're completely against drugs, and weed seems to be part of his lifestyle. There may be compatibility issues there. I think there are larger life attitudes that come along with attitudes toward drugs sometimes. For example, I haven't smoked weed in probably 8 years, and have no plans to in the near future, but at the same time, I don't know if I would date someone who is just categorically against even ever trying any drugs, because to me that would just suggest we have clashing personalities. 

I wonder what your conversations about the topic have been like. Do you carefully try to explain your feelings about the drugs, your concerns about how it would affect you and your family life together, or is it more of an absolute "I don't tolerate this" kind of thing?


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## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You do sound pretty controlling, which can be emasculating. And worse, it sounds like you'd be the same if he came back to you. Regardless of what he says, he's going to keep smoking for as long as he wants to, and it doesn't sound like you can handle him making that kind of decision for himself on his own, like a man. I think you two are just not compatible. Better for both of you to move on now, before the complications of marriage.


Actually, we have more good times than bad. He lied to me for 3.5 years because i am a good woman and he didn’t want to lose me. The fact is everyone has their dislikes in relationships and i stated mine from the beginning. I cook, clean, wash, serve him and ultimately pay all the bills in our home. He is only responsible for taking out the garbage, cut the grass and paying his personal bills. I love him dearly. but a lie is a lie, i have been honest with him about my entire life and gave him the opportunity to walk away. I am not controlling, i just know what i want. In our relationship i have done a majority of the bending and I’m ok with that. but it comes down to respect, don’t lie about it for so long and then spring it on me as if you don’t care about my feelings, because that shows a lack of respect. I cater to his needs as much as i can, i don’t want to date anyone who smokes anything (just like he would never date a woman who smokes anything)... but we agreed to him smoking cigars (because that is not illegal) and he told me it gives him the same feeling. so don’t come for me as though having standards and setting boundaries in the beginning of our relationship means I’m controlling.:scratchhead:


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## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

John Lee said:


> That's all fine, and you're entitled to feel that way about drugs. He's also entitled to feel differently. He's also not entitled to be with you, which maybe he doesn't understand. Before I read this post, I was thinking maybe there is some kind of compromise, e.g. if you're just afraid of the law, he could agree to not keep it around the house or only very small amounts. But you're completely against drugs, and weed seems to be part of his lifestyle. There may be compatibility issues there. I think there are larger life attitudes that come along with attitudes toward drugs sometimes. For example, I haven't smoked weed in probably 8 years, and have no plans to in the near future, but at the same time, I don't know if I would date someone who is just categorically against even ever trying any drugs, because to me that would just suggest we have clashing personalities.
> 
> I wonder what your conversations about the topic have been like. Do you carefully try to explain your feelings about the drugs, your concerns about how it would affect you and your family life together, or is it more of an absolute "I don't tolerate this" kind of thing?


The day i met him, shortly after exchanging numbers he lit one up with a guy i know. I kindly told him that i was no longer interested in talking to him. I avoided him for 6 month and when he would call he would tell me that “he doesn’t really smoke”. “it was only because he was with that guy” and “I quit”. I went onto tell him i cannot date someone who smokes because i dated a weed head years ago and i didn’t like his character when under the influence. and that is my preference. i also will not date someone who is physically and emotionally abusive because i dealt with a relationship that involved that too. he went on to tell me he quit and that i didn’t have to worry about it. i would ask him from time to time throughout the years and it was always the same answer. "i told you i quit, it’s not that important to me, you don’t have to worry about that." so i trusted him. now that we are engaged and 5 month from the wedding he hit me with, "i smoke every now and then, and if i feel like burning I’m going to do it" because i have done everything for him and his family i was offended. honesty is important and having standards is important. if he would have truly been honest we wouldn’t have made it to this point. If i could believe that is was a few times a year, then i could possibly handle it, but i know some of his friends smoke daily and i cant handle that.


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## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

You have expressed what it is you want, no pot smoking. He has expressed what he wants, pot smoking. The two of you have to compromise, that is all.

You're right. He shouldn't have lied about the smoking but he didn't want to lose you. His bad for not standing up to the things he wanted from day one. So one day he realizes this and stands up for the things he wants.

So decide if you are willing to be with him for who he is or give him up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As far as I can see, there's nothing wrong with either of your opinions. Except that they're a total clash. He apparently isn't going to stop smoking dope, and you won't STBX a partner who smokes. To be perfectly honest, I think you'd be a fool to get back together even if he promises not to smoke anymore, because he sees nothing wrong with it and it's almost certain to come up as an issue in the future. His friends are telling him to stay away because they think the same as him, so you come across as unreasonable and controlling. 

So what would a "second chance" look like to you? You've each made your positions clear. What's there to compromise on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, he was definitely in the wrong for lying to you about it and trying to sneak around his actions to keep com losing you. You should consider that in your thoughts when you think about compromising your beliefs.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

He's a pot smoker. If you can't accept that, then he should not be in your life. If you can accept that, then OK. If he tells you he's quit, ask for a test that day. Odds are, that request will end the relationship for good.

It goes back to my favorite quote about marriage, that has been validated over and over in my life:

Women marry men assuming the men will change.
Men marry women assuming the women won't.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

My Dad was a pothead. Then later he got a job that drug tested. So he became an alcoholic. He spent zero time with me. 

Stick to your boundary and move on. 

....Or you can explain his drug use to your kids one day "saying that Daddy had a hard day and needs to unwind with pot". 

You are not even married don't lower your standards.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

So, he lied to you for 3.5 years about something that he KNEW was a deal breaker for you and you're asking if you were wrong?

Nope, you stated your expectations up front and he chose to betray you. 

You're right to set a boundary and stick to it. The fact that you're doubting yourself on this seems like strike 3.

1. He smokes & you don't want that
2. He lied about smoking
3. He makes you doubt yourself, your standards and your character. 

Those are three pretty big issues. 

BTW - I smoke occasionally but I still think you have a right to set your standards and be in a relationship that includes honesty. 

Just my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think the dishonesty is a big issue now that I have a better picture of it. Good chance he'll lie again about something important in the future.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

someonehurting said:


> I know this thread is for men... but I’m a 30 y/o female and I’m stuck. I recently ended a relationship abruptly on the 3rd of January because my fiancé did something I felt was so disrespectful. we had been having an issue with weed, he lied about it for the 3.5 years we were together. and recently told me he doesn’t want to lie about it anymore and if and when he feels like smoking he’s going to smoke regardless of how I feel about it. we argued and I started to call the wedding off, but didn’t. then we had an incident to where we had some friends over for a party and he decided to smoke. not only did he smoke but he was the one that brought the weed to the house. so I got really angry and I kicked him out of my house and gave back the ring.
> 
> before he left he begged for forgiveness and promised not to do it anymore but I wasn’t hearing it at that moment because he told me he quit so many time before. I was so angry but a few days later I calmed down and I missed him and realized that I needed him. he is a great guy but a bit irresponsible. whereas I am very independent and very responsible.
> 
> ...


Your head was right, your heart is wrong.

You had a great but flawed relationship with him. Flawed in that he has some behaviors that you can't accept.

Rule #1
PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE WHO THEY ARE IN THEIR CORE.

He's not ready to "grow up" stop smoking, etc.

You recognized it and ended it. (your head).

Now you miss the good things. (your heart). And are minimizing the problems (your head)

Think and make decisions with your head.
Love and feel with your heart.

You made the right call, now you just have to have to strength to follow through.

What happens when he breaks out the bong at the next party?


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## someonehurting (Jan 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Your head was right, your heart is wrong.
> 
> You had a great but flawed relationship with him. Flawed in that he has some behaviors that you can't accept.
> 
> ...


Well i guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. He refuses to even speak to me. His pride is hurt and told a few of his friends that he could never trust me with his living arrangements due to me kicking him out of 2 homes 2 years in a row.

I am trying to move forward. I have decided to work on me and hopefully i won’t have another failed relationship in the future.
:scratchhead::iagree: 

Thanks


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

someonehurting said:


> I am trying to move forward. I have decided to work on me and hopefully i won’t have another failed relationship in the future.
> :scratchhead::iagree:
> 
> Thanks


Moving forward and working on you is great. 

Having no more failed relationships as a goal is not. Based on your posts and description of yourself, consider that part of your problem is the failure, as opposed to the relationship itself. Things did not work out, so you view that as an indicator of personal yourself.

All my relationships with women except one ended in failure (as you seem to define it). But I don't consider them all failures. Many helped me learn about myself and my preference for a mate. So avoiding failure is not your goal. Achieving success is.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

someonehurting said:


> Well i guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. He refuses to even speak to me. His pride is hurt and told a few of his friends that he could never trust me with his living arrangements due to me kicking him out of 2 homes 2 years in a row.
> 
> I am trying to move forward. I have decided to work on me and hopefully i won’t have another failed relationship in the future.
> :scratchhead::iagree:
> ...


One thing to remind yourself, you weren't "wrong" and this isn't "your fault". As much as he is saying and his friends are rallying around him.

He's choosing to put this issue on the fact you kicked him out twice in two years.

He's not addressing the WHY you kicked him out twice in two years. You didn't arbitrarily just get tired of him.

Stick to your guns and keep focusing on you. You're doing the right things even though it hurts right now. 

Remember, the body hurts after corrective surgery temporarily, but the body is much better in the long term with the problem removed.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

someonehurting said:


> Well i guess it doesn’t even matter anymore. He refuses to even speak to me. His pride is hurt and told a few of his friends that he could never trust me with his living arrangements due to me kicking him out of 2 homes 2 years in a row.
> 
> I am trying to move forward. I have decided to work on me and hopefully i won’t have another failed relationship in the future.
> :scratchhead::iagree:
> ...


I think you are misinterpreting his reaction. It isn't hurt pride. That would mean that he knows you are right but he refuses to admit it. You have to accept the fact that he is a pot smoker and sees nothing wrong with being one. His reaction is somewhat logical given the inflexibility of both of your positions.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

sinnister said:


> He pretty much told you his drug use is more important to him than your feelings.
> 
> That's immaturity and selfishness. Honestly, I'm not sure what issues you think you have. I don't see any based on what you've written.


:iagree: He sounds like a petulant little boy. Depending on how much you really love him, maybe you should consider moving on, particularly if you're not a fan of recreational drug use. That sounds like a real bone of contention between you two.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Oh yes please do take him back. If you are serious with someone and they do not meet your standards then by all means lower your standards. I am out!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Well, it sucks for relationships to end when people do actually love each other, however I don't foresee the relationship going any farther anyway. It just seems like a situation where OP will only get more and more resentful over time with the guy's marijuana use...and he will probably just feel more and more ostracized for smoking it.

I don't see the OP as being controlling, but she was being set up to be a parent in the relationship...and that is bogus. She would be better paired with someone who is aligned with her values and who can healthily interact with a dominant personality...which isn't a bad trait in females at all, but some guys don't know how to manage that...just as some females don't know how to manage timid men.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

someonehurting said:


> ... I felt was so disrespectful. we had been having an issue with weed, he lied about it for the 3.5 years we were together. and recently told me he doesn’t want to lie about it anymore and if and when he feels like smoking he’s going to smoke regardless of how I feel about it.
> 
> ...he is a great guy but a bit irresponsible. whereas I am very independent and very responsible.


Someonehurting:


Thanks for posting your question. I say...Stick to your guns!!!.

Both of you are different people, but I would guess that he likes you because of your standards and strong feelings about what you want in life. That is very admirable in a person! :smthumbup:

You seem like the leader in the relationship, and he seems a little childish to me at first glance. You say he is a "bit irresponsible"....I would say that is an understatement because you care for him so much. 

When he says he is going to smoke weed regardless of how you feel about it...he is choosing the smoking over YOU. That right there is enough to make a decision in my book. 

I have known several good friends who are pot heads. The smoking has killed their relationships and more importantly...killed their desire to improve themselves. Smoking pot is an easy way out when life gets tough for some people. It certainly was for some of my old friends...but I know there are always exceptions to the rule. I know many people reading this smoke too. It is a personal choice. But if this is important to you, and it would be a deal breaker for me too...than stick to your guns!!!!

I think you deserve MORE in a long term partner. Don't settle. Keep your standards high. You will respect yourself more in the long run if you don't settle and give in. Just my opinion.

Good luck to you.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It cracks me up when someone is all "I'm VERY against drugs...I drink on occasion but THAT'S IT." Uh,hate to break it to everyone but alcohol is a drug...a very addictive one at that. Just bc it's legal doesn't make it harmless and not a drug. 

Anyway, you and this boy don't belong together.That much is obvious. It seems you need a more emotionally mature man and a stronger personality to match yours. 

I think it's good he's not answering your calls or acknowledging your attempts to contact him. It hurts but it's probably the best thing for you. You'll get over him and find a great guy who suits your personality and lifestyle much better.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Scarlet, you make a great point about alcohol. It is very valid and true! It can cause just as much damage if not more than pot. Drunk driving quickly comes to mind.

That being said, my brother is a police officer, and is quick to remind others of the repercussions of illegal drugs: Arrest. Incarceration. Cars confiscated. A damaging police report. Jobs lost because of random drug tests...etc. It can wreck families very quickly.

It seems the OP doesn't want this type of element in her home and her boyfriend knew it. That is why he lied about it for 3 years. 

I don't think these two people are compatible like you said.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

It seems to me that the smoking weed fits in well with all the other stuff used to describe him. Definitely sounds like you were set up to take care of him as opposed to having a mutually responsible relationship.

Not sure if I just missed it, but what was the cause of the first kicking out event? Maybe he really is focused on that vs. simply the weed issue? (sorry if you said and I missed it).


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

a lot depends on if you two live in Colorado or Washington state where pot is legal. If not....you do not want to expose yourself to his lawlessness. It is hard to get addicted to pot, but he sure seems to have an emotional crutch with it. If I were you, I would look at this pragmatically and ask if a long term relationship with a stoner is a good idea, both romantically, financially, good for growing a family, etc. Since you are not that much into pot, sounds like a basic incompatibility, even though the hormones are telling you otherwise. If you have a job requiring a clean record (teaching, pilot, security clearance, financial officer, law enforcement, military, etc) you can not have a home full of weed.

See if he will consider just light dating....nothing too serious, for the next year to see how things sort out. but point out you do not want pot in your car/house. If he can not do that...does he really love or need you??


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