# Husband just decided to skip work and didn't even call in!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

****ONLY HERE TO VENT. READ AT YOUR OWN TIME-WASTING RISK!!****

My husband left his previous job of 7 years late last year. He hated it. Huge company, union workers and FMLA which he abused the hell out of. For about 5 of his 7 years there he abused it and never got fired. He would literally take weeks off without pay (sometimes not even calling in!) and then he’d go back for a couple of days with no repercussions and then realize just how frustrated he was there and take another week off. All the while managing to get doctors’ notes and coming up with excuses about all these appts he had so he couldn’t make it in.

With all this going on I would always check our phone records online to see if he called into work. It got to the point where he knew how upset I was about it so he would leave for work but then go have breakfast somewhere for a couple of hours before I left for work and then come home when he knew I’d be gone and then when I would get home he would act like he had gone to work that day, but I would know differently because of the phone records and the bank records showing he had breakfast at Denny’s or whatever. 

Since he’s had this new job, there’s been a couple of days where he’s called in sick, even though he wasn’t, but he has never just NOT called in. There’s no FMLA there and it’s only a company of about 35 people so you just can’t get away with that stuff. He called in sick 2 days in a row a few months ago and then his boss texted him the next morning saying "I need you to be here today". So I STILL check the phone records every day to see if H texts his boss that he won't be in. And there’s been a few days where he’s texted me mid-day saying he wasn’t feeling well and going home yet I know that he never left for work in the first place! He says he loves what he’s doing know but all the work gets funneled to him and it’s not fair. Well it wouldn’t matter what job he was at he would eventually come to either hate the work or hate the people as he has at every job he’s had since I’ve known him.

After the late night on the 4th I thought maybe he would call in sick, but I checked yesterday and no text, no call. About 2PM he sends me a message on Facebook saying "Stayed home today. Felt icky and tired. I think those oysters didn't agree with me. Slept until 1". No, I'm pretty sure it was all the alcohol that didn't agree with you! I check the phone records a few more times and there's still no text or call to or from his boss, which is strange, because it would have shown up by then. I get home and he goes "Yeah I got up right after you left at 7 and was up for about 1/2 hour before going back to bed and I didn't wake up until 1". I say "But you called into work right?" He nonchalantly goes "No. They didn't call looking for me either. I guess they assumed I was just not coming in." That blows my mind, that he is so "whatever" about not calling in. I would be a nervous wreck today going in and having to deal with my boss. But then again, it also blows my mind that not one person from work, not even his boss, called or texted him wondering where he was! Was his boss out as well?? Of course he has no worries about being fired because he says that the one guy is never at the desk and tells me that everyone at work calls him a "retard" for whatever reason and the other guy is too new and would never make it without H. 

Then he started going on about how he needed yesterday off anyways to decompress after being at work on Sunday. He says "It's days like that that make me want to go back to my old job." Yup, you've got the most difficult job in the world and the place would fall apart if you weren't there. He starts ranting about how the other two guys he works with opted not to be on commission and they have less work orders than H does yet H is on commission and it just doesn't work out when all the work gets funneled to him. I tell him to talk to his boss and get his usual excuse of "He's so hands off he wouldn't do anything anyways". Yet he says he's going to bring up that either they are all on commission or all at a higher hourly rate. Well why don't you make it easy then and go back to your hourly rate?? I tell him to leave his anger and work and come home in a good mood. You know what he tells me?? He says "Well I do mostly come home in a good mood but then you ask me how my day was and I get all riled up again, so it's your fault." Of course it is! Everything about this situation is EVERYONE else’s fault but your own!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You sound more like his Mom than his wife. If you don't like that role ,do something about it. He doesn't seem to concerned about working for a living. How old are the 2 of you?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> How do you think he feels about being adult; about being married, and having to be responsible?
> 
> Do you have kids? Do you have a mortgage? Do you have car payments? Student loans? I'm trying to gauge the financial stress level.


I don't think he gives a damn about any of it. He's all about living in the moment and everything will work out. 

We don't have kids, but he has a 18 y/o daughter who he sees once in a while. Yes, we have a mortgage which I basically pay on my own with him chipping in occasionally when he can find the money. We don't have car payments (because I paid cash for the 2 we do have) but he has a motorcycle loan for $12,000 which he's paying off because he just HAD to have the newest thing. He has about $8,000 in student loans left to pay off. Oh yeah and he has about $15,000 in credit card debt that he is hiding from me (only know because I snoop) and he has basically racked all that up in the past 1 1/2 years or so. He was literally down to $0 2 years ago.

The thing is, he makes sure to pay off HIS student and motorcycle loans and the credit cards monthly, and he always finds money to pay for his share of his daughter's college tuition, but after that he says he's pretty much tapped and the little he has left he needs for gas and other small things. He spends like $80 a week on lunch because he's too lazy to make his own. So I basically pay the mortgage, the utilities, the internet, the phone, the gas, the car insurance all on my own. Not to mention I do all the grocery shopping, all the cleaning, 90% of the yardwork. So really I don't need him for anything. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that he brilliantly decided to take $40,000 out of his VIP account last year to pay off other loans without realizing the penalty for doing that so we got stuck with a $5500 tax bill this year and are having nearly $500/month installments taken out to pay this. It is coming from my account since he never has any money in his. None of that is my fault, yet I am paying for it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Gawd, do I know this STUFF. I was an engineering supervisor for one of the big three automakers.

The STUFF that goes on in these plants is dis-heartening and Un-American.

The UAW has mind-fucved the American Spirit. Spoiled many a POTENTIAL good American.

Talk about Ugly Americans. They hamstring the plants and are not efficient. Their actions force management to use Automation and to outsource the work "somewhere" cheaper. What a shame.

Oh, and yes, management is horrible too. They have bought into this crap, hook, line and sink-her. They and Management have sunk "The Great Ship of American Industry".

Managements salaries are tied to union salaries. The more the union workers make, the more "they" make. And they make a lot in their normal 40 hours.

I wish your husband luck....he will need it......and he will get a come-uppance. Non-union operations will not tolerate absenteeism and sloth. There are ten good souls outside the door waiting to get hired.

Businesses fire you for cause. They are documenting that cause, as we write. He is going to "stretch his own neck". He is putting his own head in the noose, forcing others to "tighten" it.

Things are getting better in this country, but unions [with a few exceptions] are not helping.

The exceptions are Union Contractors, who come on the job...do it, do it well and leave. If the workers do not perform they are "black balled" at the union hall.

I am a former Union member myself and NEVER played the game that these guys love and abuse. I have pride. I am a proud American.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously, you cannot be surprised by this. He is a selfish d!ck...we just keep waiting for you to accept this as fact and get the hell out.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You sound more like his Mom than his wife. If you don't like that role ,do something about it. He doesn't seem to concerned about working for a living. How old are the 2 of you?


He's 48 and I'm 44. Way too old for this ****!


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Your husband's behavior is the reason manufacturing is moving to Mexico.

I'd sit him down and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop, and that yo';re going to set up an appt. with a MC to monitor his compliance with adulthood.

He wants you to be his mom, go ahead and be her. Just do it better than she apparently did.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Unicus said:


> Your husband's behavior is the reason manufacturing is moving to Mexico.
> 
> I'd sit him down and tell him his behavior is unacceptable and it needs to stop, and that yo';re going to set up an appt. with a MC to monitor his compliance with adulthood.
> 
> He wants you to be his mom, go ahead and be her. Just do it better than she apparently did.


That's what he's always telling me too is that he grew up in a divorced family and his parents didn't care about his schooling or teaching him how to handle money because they were bad at it themselves so that's his excuse as to why he can't handle finances.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Ok, thanks for the confirm here..not that I needed it....:grin2:

Tell him his behavior is unacceptable and then "Parent" him correctly. 

Many adults really are clueless on how to be adults. Yours has an explanation, now provide the teaching experience so he learns.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@Mapper 

You're husband is a *LOSER*. (I mean really, who ditches work to go to Denny's?!? The food is disgusting there.) 

Sorry, I know you are just venting and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders at least.

How is the marriage? Would you consider divorce? You said you have no kids. I could never tolerate such lazy, selfish behavior.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> @Mapper
> 
> You're husband is a LOSER. (I mean really, who ditches work to go to Denny's?!? The food is disgusting there.)
> 
> ...


No I'm in it for the long haul. When he does commit to doing something, like building the pond out back, or digging up for a garden, or fixing a car, he does great. It's just getting him to do things and do them consistently is the problem


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mapper said:


> *No I'm in it for the long haul.* When he does commit to doing something, like building the pond out back, or digging up for a garden, or fixing a car, he does great. It's just getting him to do things and do them consistently is the problem


WHY???? 

I just re-read your OP...I didn't realize you didn't have kids with this loser! AND you pay all household expenses?? Good lord woman, dump him and free yourself! No man is worth this bullsh!t.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Ugghhhh. He sounds really lazy. Did you guys specifically talk about and agree to these financial arrangements? It doesn't sound very fair. And the fact that he has hidden credit card debt is pretty disturbing.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Mapper said:


> He's 48 and I'm 44. Way too old for this ****!


Yes you are. He sounds like a "parent's basement dwelling" millennial, and you sound like you really have your act together. Seems the path is clear. Take care of yourself and leave his selfish a$$ to clean up his own mess before he drags you deeper into it. From this point on, if you haven't already, make sure your name is not on any of his debt incurring cards or loans. You don't want to be onboard for the inevitable train wreck, it'll be bad enough to have to watch. Lost job and huge debt are in his near future.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Ugghhhh. He sounds really lazy. Did you guys specifically talk about and agree to these financial arrangements? It doesn't sound very fair. And the fact that he has hidden credit card debt is pretty disturbing.


Pfft, are you kidding?! He always tells me "We'll be okay, I'll get back on track" and every time he just keeps heading south. There's no use in talking to him about finances because one night he'll be all serious about how we need to cut back and has a fit if I buy a $20 item at a store when he says we could have gotten it $5 cheaper on Amazon but the next day that all goes out the window and he spends $500 on a part for his motorcycle! Whatever sounds good at the moment he'll say but I know it will never stick.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Why do you want to stay married to him, when all you do is to be critical? 
I understand he's angry etc 
But why are you tolerating it?
Maybe he's knows you won't leave him, you'll just moan about it & then run back to be by his side. 
You have several threads about how bad he his & yet you stay? 













Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Yes you are. He sounds like a "parent's basement dwelling" millennial, and you sound like you really have your act together. Seems the path is clear. Take care of yourself and leave his selfish a$$ to clean up his own mess before he drags you deeper into it. From this point on, if you haven't already, make sure your name is not on any of his debt incurring cards or loans. You don't want to be onboard for the inevitable train wreck, it'll be bad enough to have to watch. Lost job and huge debt are in his near future.


My name isn't in his loans, but for some reason I show up on one of his credit cards when I do a check on Credit Karma and I didn't know that. Anyways I think in our state his debt is my debt regardless.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> My name isn't in his loans, but for some reason I show up on one of his credit cards when I do a check on Credit Karma and I didn't know that. Anyways I think in our state his debt is my debt regardless.


Yes, in most states, when you marry your credit is merged. It's also likely that his debt is legally considered marital debt and you could be held responsible for up to half in the event of divorce. And, if you stay married, you're responsible for all since the money to pay is coming out of marital assets.

If you are choosing to stay married to him AND you aren't taking ACTION to cut him off and make him financially responsible, then any debt he racks up on your joint tab is all on you for staying married to him and allowing him to overspend.

You come here, you vent, but you don't seem to actually be DOING anything. Why?

Frankly, as @Unicus said, you'd have to basically be his mother. Which is ridiculous! He'll a 48 year old man, yes? At 48 he is well past the age of reason, cannot blame his irresponsible bullsh!t on his mommy and daddy, and is completely capable of understanding income and expenditures.

I figured out I don't have the time to raise someone else's grown son when I was about 24. I certainly wouldn't want to have to mother a grown man now that I am 40+.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He's lazy and you're a nag.

A match made in heaven >


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, in most states, when you marry your credit is merged. It's also likely that his debt is legally considered marital debt and you could be held responsible for up to half.
> 
> If you are choosing to stay married to him AND you aren't taking ACTION to cut him off and make him financially responsible, then any debt he racks up on your joint tab is all on you for staying married to him and allowing him to overspend.
> 
> You come here, you vent, but you don't seem to actually be DOING anything. Why?


Because I'm simply here to vent


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> He's lazy and you're a nag.
> 
> A match made in heaven >


Awwww...thanks Three Strikes. SO sweet of you to say :grin2:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Does he have a substance abuse problem (alcohol, pills, etc)?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Corpuswife said:


> Does he have a substance abuse problem (alcohol, pills, etc)?


Oh yeah, he drinks to excess. Always has. He went to rehab for it last year but I knew it wouldn't stick. He says he basically went to rehab because he was unhappy at his job, but doesn't seem to think it was because of his drinking!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mapper said:


> Oh yeah, he drinks to excess. Always has. He went to rehab for it last year but I knew it wouldn't stick. He says he basically went to rehab because he was unhappy at his job, but doesn't seem to think it was because of his drinking!


How charming.

You have not answered my question as to WHY you stay with this loser...having NO man is way better than having THIS man.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Rehab because he's unhappy at his job?! What planet does he live on? Is he an alcoholic? What does he do when he's at home from work?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

What does he do all day when he doesn't show up for work?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Rehab because he's unhappy at his job?! What planet does he live on? Is he an alcoholic? What does he do when he's at home from work?


Oh spends half his day playing his video game or surfing the web. Then takes a two hour nap, then gets up and eats, drinks, goes back to his computer. That's his days off. On the days he works he can't be expected to do anything because his day was SO stressful. He can't work on anything, cook, even really talk about anything important because he is SO wiped out from the day. My god, you'd think he ws a thoracic surgeon by how stressed out he is! Tells me every weekend that on his day off he's going to work on the pond or start building the shed in the backyard, but barely steps outside and then says "Well I just needed some me time and needed to chill out and didn't get to it." We've got a backlog of yard projects that only he can do (if I could do them, they would be done!). I always tell our friends that I'm the one who always has to mow the yard and then he'll chime in "Well you always get out and do it before I have a chance to". Really? How long would I have to wait before you'd do it? Until it was a foot tall??!! Because I'm still waiting for you to build that shed you've been talking about for 2 years, clean out the pond which you've been talking about since January, redo the fence, build that deck (which he tells me he wants to do both out back and out front!), build those shelves in the garage, put an ad up to sell both the trucks. Note that these are not things I ask him to do, these are things he tells me he's going to do so I'm not nagging him. I just nod my head every time he tells me that he'll do them and then know that he won't.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> What does he do all day when he doesn't show up for work?


Sleeps, plays video games. You know acts like a teenager! My favorite is when he skips work and doesn't leave the house and then texts me as I'm leaving work asking if I could stop and grab some beer for him. Sure! I mean that's exactly what I want to do when I just want to get home. Why don't you take 5 minutes and drive down the street and get it yourself?

I NEVER ask him to get anything for me because it always seems like such a burden and I'm sure I'll hear again and again how he went out of his way to get this for me. Even if he's going to a store next door to where I need to pick something up I just do it myself.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh and get this. He tells me after I get home yesterday that he was going to ask me to stop and pick up his check at work yesterday (since they don't do direct deposit) and I'm just 10 minutes away but then thought that I'd have to explain why he wasn't at work and that would be weird for me. What an idiot! You can't be bothered to go to work but you want ME to go in, make up a story for you and grab your check???!!!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mapper said:


> Sleeps, plays video games. You know acts like a teenager! My favorite is when he skips work and doesn't leave the house and then texts me as I'm leaving work asking if I could stop and grab some beer for him. Sure! I mean that's exactly what I want to do when I just want to get home. Why don't you take 5 minutes and drive down the street and get it yourself?
> 
> I NEVER ask him to get anything for me because it always seems like such a burden and I'm sure I'll hear again and again how he went out of his way to get this for me. Even if he's going to a store next door to where I need to pick something up I just do it myself.


Maybe it's time to stop doing these things. We teach people how to treat us.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't want advice, you're just here to vent. Try walking up to a total stranger on the street and pull this crap and see what they tell you. Admit it, you enjoy being his sugar mama and maid.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I lived like this for several years. My husband would call his boss at the last minute to let him know he wouldn't be in to work that day. It started to get really bad at the end of 2004. During November of that year, I think my husband went to work a total of 8 days.

What I failed to realize at the time was his alcoholism was progressing. Work was getting in the way of the time he could spend in the basement watching old movies and popping a bottle of wine around 10 a.m. After that, he would spend all weekend passed out and getting up only to drink more. Mondays? Often he needed that day to detox just so he could make it to the job on Tuesday.

I'm not saying your husband is a full-blown alcoholic, but this is the behavior I witnessed as my husband's addiction started to escalate. The result of the absenteeism made him take a transfer across country. We moved, and in the next four years he drank himself out of two more federal government jobs.

That was it for me. I walked. Staying for the long term and coming here to vent but do nothing concrete about your situation makes me think you are the classic enabler.

If you want to remain in that role, it's your right. But after about 8 years of playing that role myself, I found I was almost as crazy as my addicted husband. 

All the checking you do on his phone? Classic codependent behavior. Perhaps you might consider just stopping it. Let him buy his own beer, let him loose his own job, let him sink or swim on his own.

JMO.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't want advice, you're just here to vent. Try walking up to a total stranger on the street and pull this crap and see what they tell you. Admit it, you enjoy being his sugar mama and maid.


Damn Blondi...it's like you KNOW me!:grin2::grin2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself-ebook/dp/B00BS027FC


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mapper said:


> Damn Blondi...it's like you KNOW me!:grin2::grin2:


I know you enjoy whining and that you don't want to fix anything because then you wouldn't have anything to whine about. Whining is what makes you happy. You married the perfect person for you. I predict a long and whine-full marriage. Be happy!


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I know you enjoy whining and that you don't want to fix anything because then you wouldn't have anything to whine about. Whining is what makes you happy. You married the perfect person for you. I predict a long and whine-full marriage. Be happy!


And I know YOU enjoy responding to my posts telling me how much I enjoy whining! If you didn't, you wouldn't be wasting your time responding!:grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mapper said:


> And I know YOU enjoy responding to my posts telling me how much I enjoy whining! If you didn't, you wouldn't be wasting your time responding!:grin2:


Gee, Mapper, it's like you know me!>


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Gee, Mapper, it's like you know me!>


I know....riiiiiiiiiiiiiight???!!!>>


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It sounds like you should be working two jobs so your husband has more time to "de compress". Isn't that what marriage is about? Sacrificing so your spouses life can be a bit better and easier.

Oh and get him a gift certificate to Denny's, show him how much you truly care about his happiness!

And when he goes to Denny's lock his ass out of the house and send him back home to his parents where he belongs, the guy has never grown up.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Cooper said:


> It sounds like you should be working two jobs so your husband has more time to "de compress". Isn't that what marriage is about? Sacrificing so your spouses life can be a bit better and easier.
> 
> Oh and get him a gift certificate to Denny's, show him how much you truly care about his happiness!
> 
> And when he goes to Denny's lock his ass out of the house and send him back home to his parents where he belongs, the guy has never grown up.


Well I already do freelancing from home so I have 1 1/2 jobs!

And he has the nerve to tell me (even though he knows how great my job is and how he's so happy I found it) that I should see if his old place of work (which he hated!) has anything like what I do there because I'd make twice as much working there! I tell him "Why would you even suggest that? Why would I leave a dream job to go to a place where you and a lot of other people are miserable?" He shrugs and goes "I don't know, you'd just make a lot more". Then why don't YOU go back there?! You were making a ton of money (when you actually went to work) there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you only come here to vent? Can you please put that in your posts so that we know that no matter what advice we give you're going to just ignore it?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So you only come here to vent? Can you please put that in your posts so that we know that no matter what advice we give you're going to just ignore it?


Sure. 

**** ONLY HERE TO VENT....READ AT YOUR OWN TIME WASTING RISK!!*****


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Mapper said:


> Pfft, are you kidding?! He always tells me "We'll be okay, I'll get back on track" and every time he just keeps heading south. There's no use in talking to him about finances because one night he'll be all serious about how we need to cut back and has a fit if I buy a $20 item at a store when he says we could have gotten it $5 cheaper on Amazon but the next day that all goes out the window and he spends $500 on a part for his motorcycle! Whatever sounds good at the moment he'll say but I know it will never stick.



So, you go to work and pay the mortgage/all household bills and YOU have to cut back on what you spend?? LOL That's hilarious! And the reason you'll be okay and get back on track is because he knows he has YOU to depend on to do it. Sounds like my ex. If you think your life is miserable now, buckle up baby, it's going to get real bumpy. I hope you're prepared for THAT long haul. 

You need to drop the hammer on this situation, like, yesterday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to visit ebay. To sell your "husband."


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Mapper said:


> No I'm in it for the long haul. When he does commit to doing something, like building the pond out back, or digging up for a garden, or fixing a car, he does great. It's just getting him to do things and do them consistently is the problem


That's kind of like saying, "other than the occasional abuse, he's a great guy!" Isn't it? In all sincerity, you should seek counseling for your codependency issues. He treats you like a doormat because you let him. It's as simple as that, he knows there are no REAL consequences except hearing you whine and he can live with that. 

LISTEN CAREFULLY, the only person you can change is yourself. He will continue to be a LOSER for the rest of your marriage. So you can A) whine and vent in perpetuity or B) change yourself (hint: I'd start with a new husband)


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ThreeStrikes said:


> He's lazy and you're a nag.
> 
> A match made in heaven >





Blondilocks said:


> I know you enjoy whining and that you don't want to fix anything because then you wouldn't have anything to whine about. Whining is what makes you happy. You married the perfect person for you. I predict a long and whine-full marriage. Be happy!


QFT!

Ya know, Mapper, there is nothing wrong with being a nag who married a lazy, alcoholic, bum who needs nagging. A lid for every pot, as the saying goes.

If you're happy with "comfortable misery", more power to ya!




Mapper said:


> Because I'm simply here to vent


Okies. 

I don't think reading your threads are a waste of time. I mean this kindly, really I do. Your threads make me appreciate what I have in DH all the more. 

Considering this is a site about marriage and that married people can take each other for granted over time, it's actually helpful to read threads and think something along the lines of "Wow, my spouse doesn't suck! I should probably go kiss/hug/have sex with/feed my spouse to show how happy I am s/he doesn't suck!"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> QFT!
> I don't think reading your threads are a waste of time. I mean this kindly, really I do. Your threads make me appreciate what I have in DH all the more.


I don't think they're a waste of time to read. It's just a waste of time to give advice to someone who doesn't have any intention of ever changing their sh!tty situation.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Mapper said:


> Well I already do freelancing from home so I have 1 1/2 jobs!
> 
> And he has the nerve to tell me (even though he knows how great my job is and how he's so happy I found it) that I should see if his old place of work (which he hated!) has anything like what I do there because I'd make twice as much working there! I tell him "Why would you even suggest that? Why would I leave a dream job to go to a place where you and a lot of other people are miserable?" He shrugs and goes "I don't know, you'd just make a lot more". Then why don't YOU go back there?! You were making a ton of money (when you actually went to work) there.


Because, if he can convince YOU to work more and earn more, maybe, just maybe, you'll get off his back and let him stay home full time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mapper said:


> **** ONLY HERE TO VENT....READ AT YOUR OWN TIME WASTING RISK!!*****


My apologies for giving advice. If it is unwanted, as apparently it is, I'm sorry. You have the freedom to vent here all you want.

Best of luck.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I want to know where to sign up for a wife like you. It sounds like a hell of a deal, screw around all day and she'll take care of everything.

I can't understand how he even landed you to begin with. How does a guy like this do it? Big time bait and switch? Incredibly good at deception? Totally hot hitting on less attractive women? What's the hook he used?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Mapper said:


> Sure.
> 
> **** ONLY HERE TO VENT....READ AT YOUR OWN TIME WASTING RISK!!*****


Thanks for the warning.
Over in "sex in marriage" we get Eyore men. They whine away about their wives. It doesn't take long to figure out why their wives don't want them. Who's turned on by endless kevetching? (Don't take it that i'm drawing a parallel for this specific part about you.) They don't want to hear that they are a big part of the problem.

When I push them and point out what they need to do, they don't like it. More than once, they've deleted the thread. It chapps me that some of my best advice is in the delete bin. It tends to reduce my enthusiasm for TAM. Since you were nice enough to warn, people won't fall for that trap.

Vent away, just know that TAM is a board of do'ers. You won't find much empathetic listening for listening sake. That's what I love about this place. It is pro marriage. It will give advice on how to fix fixable marriages. But the folks here are not afraid to say "pull the plug" when needed.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Paging @jld

Your advice will fit here.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

larry.gray said:


> I want to know where to sign up for a wife like you. It sounds like a hell of a deal, screw around all day and she'll take care of everything.
> 
> I can't understand how he even landed you to begin with. How does a guy like this do it? Big time bait and switch? Incredibly good at deception? Totally hot hitting on less attractive women? What's the hook he used?


Ahh, but the staying at home and putzing around all day while wife pays the bills usually comes with a LOT of b!tching when she is home. And being treated like a burdensome teenager.

Most guys who have this arrangement have developed mad skill at appearing to listen while totally tuning out. 
Unless, of course, they are bored and want attention. Then they get all emotional and argue about everything and anything they can drag into it somehow. Typically, this is done in victim mode.

My exH got women by appearing to have his life straight just long enough to lure some poor hapless victim into his web. Or he just outright lied. Whichever was convenient at the time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Mapper said:


> Sure.
> 
> **** ONLY HERE TO VENT....READ AT YOUR OWN TIME WASTING RISK!!*****


But, even if you're venting, you have allowed this to go on. It would be like someone who never exercises and consumes 10,000 calories per day, ''venting'' about being over weight, blaming the fast food industry, instead of looking at themselves.

At the end of the day, you are enabling your husband to do nothing, to be lazy, to not show up to work, to sit at home playing video games and snapping his fingers for you to fetch him his beer. 

With respect, this isn't a healthy way to live your life, and it begs the question...why are you living like this?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

@*Deidre* just gave an example of what I meant by TAM is full of people with good advice, not people who empathize with passive complainers. It isn't a lack of empathy, there is loads here. It is a distaste for living in your own misery.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> With respect, this isn't a healthy way to live your life, and it begs the question...why are you living like this?


If Mapper is anything like my sister, because having something to stress and complain about makes her happy. And I'm not joking here. If my sister isn't kvetching (I do love that word!), she's a shell of herself. She only comes alive and is truly happy when she has reason to nag or complain. Her face flushes, her eyes light up, she becomes animated and more interested in life in general for hours afterward. It's her thing. *shrug*


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

larry.gray said:


> I want to know where to sign up for a wife like you. It sounds like a hell of a deal, screw around all day and she'll take care of everything.
> 
> I can't understand how he even landed you to begin with. How does a guy like this do it? Big time bait and switch? Incredibly good at deception? Totally hot hitting on less attractive women? What's the hook he used?


Be careful what you wish for. You would be a different person altogether, if you were a user, which is what this dude is. A user. And she allows herself to be used. The dynamic is an unhealthy one, and most likely they both see it, but don't know how to change it, because it's gone on so long. But, don't envy dysfunction, for a truly healthy guy wouldn't be taking advantage of his wife, and he'd be ashamed that he's using her, and not taking responsibility as an employee and husband. Healthy minded confident husbands aren't skipping out on work, playing video games all day, and getting their wives to pay all the bills. 

This dude isn't a catch. lol


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> If Mapper is anything like my sister, because having something to stress and complain about makes her happy. And I'm not joking here. If my sister isn't kvetching (I do love that word!), she's a shell of herself. She only comes alive and is truly happy when she has reason to nag or complain. Her face flushes, her eyes light up, she becomes animated and more interested in life in general for hours afterward. It's her thing. *shrug*


lol Really? Guess that could be true, too. But, even so...there's an underlying problem there and it's easier to rug sweep it for your sister, and just continue on doing what feel comfortable than get out of her comfort zone, and change it. 

There's nothing wrong with venting and complaining here and there, but if your situation is self-induced, not sure what complaining will do about it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> There's nothing wrong with venting and complaining here and there, but if your situation is self-induced, not sure what complaining will do about it.


Venting has it's place, but my tendency is to tell people who complain about stuff but refuse to do anything to change it to shut the hell up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Venting has it's place, but my tendency is to tell people who complain about stuff but refuse to do anything to change it to shut the hell up.


Well, you did start that other thread ''are you a b!tch?''

I'm just kidding!!! :grin2::laugh: Couldn't resist!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> That's kind of like saying, "other than the occasional abuse, he's a great guy!" Isn't it? In all sincerity, you should seek counseling for your codependency issues. He treats you like a doormat because you let him. It's as simple as that, he knows there are no REAL consequences except hearing you whine and he can live with that.
> 
> LISTEN CAREFULLY, the only person you can change is yourself. He will continue to be a LOSER for the rest of your marriage. So you can A) whine and vent in perpetuity or B) change yourself (hint: I'd start with a new husband)


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, in most states, when you marry your credit is merged. It's also likely that his debt is legally considered marital debt and you could be held responsible for up to half in the event of divorce. And, if you stay married, you're responsible for all since the money to pay is coming out of marital assets.
> 
> If you are choosing to stay married to him AND you aren't taking ACTION to cut him off and make him financially responsible, then any debt he racks up on your joint tab is all on you for staying married to him and allowing him to overspend.
> 
> ...


I personally wouldn't want to be anyone's adult parent, frankly, But the OP said she wants to work it out.

So, in the absence of proper parenting when it was supposed to happen, the solution now is proper parenting.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Unicus said:


> I personally wouldn't want to be anyone's adult parent, frankly, But the OP said she wants to work it out.
> 
> So, in the absence of proper parenting when it was supposed to happen, the solution now is proper parenting.


What's supposed to happen is the grown adult uses his fully developed brain and whatever education he has had to figure out the basics of life just like the rest of us had to do.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> What's supposed to happen is the grown adult uses his fully developed brain and whatever education he has had to figure out the basics of life just like the rest of us had to do.


Lotsa luck with that one.....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Unicus said:


> Lotsa luck with that one.....


I know, right? :smile2:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read several other posts by Mapper. Nothing more than b!tch fests. That's okay, but I see no point in responding. I imagine after awhile nobody will respond. My guess is that when a poster's friends and family members no longer want to listen to the whining, they come here.

Still, I fail to see the point of endless b!tching. It accomplishes nothing. But I guess if you need to play your role in a totally dysfunctional relationship by being the enabler/victim, then complaining serves some purpose.

The OP is in desperate need of counseling. I suppose that isn't an option. Jeesh, I would hate to be forever complaining about a crappy spouse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I read several other posts by Mapper. Nothing more than b!tch fests. That's okay, but I see no point in responding. I imagine after awhile nobody will respond. My guess is that when a poster's friends and family members no longer want to listen to the whining, they come here.
> 
> Still, I fail to see the point of endless b!tching. It accomplishes nothing. But I guess if you need to play your role in a totally dysfunctional relationship by being the enabler/victim, then complaining serves some purpose.
> 
> The OP is in desperate need of counseling. I suppose that isn't an option. Jeesh, I would hate to be forever complaining about a crappy spouse.


So, the point you are making is that people come here to vent about their problematic spouses?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I read several other posts by Mapper. Nothing more than b!tch fests. That's okay, but I see no point in responding. I imagine after awhile nobody will respond. My guess is that when a poster's friends and family members no longer want to listen to the whining, they come here.



Oh no that's where you're wrong! This is where I come to ***** because my friends and family have NO idea how bad the situation is with him. As far as they know we're happy, lots of money, etc.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

H comes home yesterday an hour late and I thought he'd be pissed that he had to stay late or he got a chewing out. Nope, the complete opposite! He then tells me he spent the last hour just talking to his manager. He didn't really tell me what he talked to him about other than another guy there is going to go and ask for a raise and his manager said that he's in for a rude awakening because he doesn't deserve what he's making now. Then he says his manager says to him "So what was up with yesterday? Why didn't you come to work?" H goes "You know, honestly, I just needed to decompress." He then tells me the manager says to him "Oh, that's cool". That's cool???!! It's "cool" that he didn't call in and tell you what was up?? And why the hell didn't the manager call H and find out what was up? H says he's a hands off manager, but that's REALLY hands off! The last thing I was expecting was his manager to be so nonchalant about not coming to work and not letting anyone know where he was!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Sounds like the manager just wants everyone to like him/her. Mr Nice Guy. Or, he doesn't give a crap.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The manager told your H that he didn'tt deserve what he's making and then said "ok" when your H admitted to basically pulling a no call, no show so he could "decompress". Either this manager gives zero phucks or he's already decided he's getting rid of your H and is calmly and patiently waiting for an excuse. A few more no call, no shows should do it.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> The manager told your H that he didn'tt deserve what he's making and then said "ok" when your H admitted to basically pulling a no call, no show so he could "decompress". Either this manager gives zero phucks or he's already decided he's getting rid of your H and is calmly and patiently waiting for an excuse. A few more no call, no shows should do it.


No, you misunderstood what I wrote. The manager was dissing one of H's coworkers saying that that guy didn't deserve what he was making. He was apparently praising H for all his hard work and saying it was cool he didn't come in.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh huh.... and if his boss is like me, then the ice is getting very thin. I can be extremely supprtive of the bs drama... right up until I have enough to send to HR.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

41362 said:


> Uh huh.... and if his boss is like me, then the ice is getting very thin. I can be extremely supprtive of the bs drama... right up until I have enough to send to HR.


No his boss really does like him and IS very laid back. His boss was so laid back that it took him nearly 2 months to hire him because he was off for a couple weeks when his wife had a baby, then they had to do other things in the store, but kept telling him that they just had to get some paperwork together. Never any rush to do anything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> So, the point you are making is that people come here to vent about their problematic spouses?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course people come here to vent. But they oftentimes are also looking for different perspectives, seeking advice, and/or people who have lived through the same situation and can offer some coping mechanisms.

Not to just b!tch with no interest whatsoever in getting input.

Hey, fine by me if that's what Mapper wants. As I said in my first post, she can vent all she wants. It just seems that it might be productive for her to investigate why she remains in this situation. If she wants to stay, fine. But after awhile, I don't understand why someone merely wants to vent. I think it would be emotionally fatiguing to complain and leave it at that.

JMO.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> No, you misunderstood what I wrote. The manager was dissing one of H's coworkers saying that that guy didn't deserve what he was making. He was apparently praising H for all his hard work and saying it was cool he didn't come in.


Suuure he was....according to your husband...who can't keep a job and thinks employers should be totally fine with random no call no shows for no other reason than poor H can't cope with adulthood. 

Were I you, I'd be preparing for him to be unemployed again relatively soon. 


Jeezus, even my 17 year old daughter managed to call in to work while on her way to the hospital with a minor concussion and neck injury.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Suuure he was....according to your husband...who can't keep a job and thinks employers should be totally fine with random no call no shows for no other reason than poor H can't cope with adulthood.
> 
> Were I you, I'd be preparing for him to be unemployed again relatively soon.
> 
> ...



Um nope. Sorry to burst your bubble. He really is the most competent person at the desk. I've seen the other two in action and they are a hot mess.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> Um nope. Sorry to burst your bubble. He really is the most competent person at the desk. I've seen the other two in action and they are a hot mess.


Oh, Lord! You realize that's kind of like saying "My kid got an E, but the other kids got F's!", right?


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Oh, Lord! You realize that's kind of like saying "My kid got an E, but the other kids got F's!", right?


Yup! Still top guy out of the 3!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mapper said:


> Yup! Still top guy out of the 3!


Mapper, I respect your right to vent. Since your family and friends think you have a perfect relationship, don't you think it might be okay to let them know it's less than perfect? After all, you aren't happy with the things your husband is doing. 

Do you feel your friends or family would think less of you if you let them in on some of the real details?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mapper said:


> Yup! Still top guy out of the 3!


Your pride in your husband is heart warming.:grin2:

He must have really, really enjoyed his kindergarten graduation & took it to heart because he kind of sounds like that met all of his aspirations.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> Yup! Still top guy out of the 3!


Maybe he found his niche.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> Maybe he found his niche.


Went in yesterday to drop something off for him and had to wait for him to finish with a customer. While waiting for him not one, but two, of his coworkers came up to me and said that he was probably the hardest working person in the shop. And one of them said that he spoke up at the meeting that morning and told people to get their act together and start getting things done on time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> Went in yesterday to drop something off for him and had to wait for him to finish with a customer. While waiting for him not one, but two, of his coworkers came up to me and said that he was probably the hardest working person in the shop. And one of them said that he spoke up at the meeting that morning and told people to get their act together and start getting things done on time.


He should be glad he doesn't work with me. He'd have said something like that in a meeting, I'd have said "STFU, No-Call, No-Show. Come in to work every day for a year or so and then you get to have an opinion."

Maybe I am a b!tch. Naw, no maybe about it. :laugh:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What a bunch of slackers.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What a bunch of slackers.


I love how you already decide EVERY single person he works with is a slacker!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's the one who says they're not working hard - not me.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> He's the one who says they're not working hard - not me.


That's right. Most people on here would say "Well I can't believe that he's the most productive person in a shop of 35 since he's such a slacker and everyone is worse than him" but you tend to believe that everyone there is a slacker. I wonder how the shop has been in business for 45 years with all those slackers?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm still trying to figure out if this thread is...

uggh my husband is being irresponsible again, uggg... 

or

Look how awesome my husband is! He is so awesome, he can be totally irresponsible, and they still love him at work!


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I'm still trying to figure out if this thread is...
> 
> uggh my husband is being irresponsible again, uggg...
> 
> ...


I know riiiiiiiiiiight?! :grin2: I like to keep everyone on their toes!!!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> I know riiiiiiiiiiight?! :grin2: I like to keep everyone on their toes!!!!


It looks a lot like desperation, though. Almost as if you're so afraid to be single that you'd believe and tell yourself anything that even sounds halfway decent about him just to have a "man" around.

Frankly, I totally understand why your friends and family aren't aware of what's going on and you have to come here to vent. I'd be ashamed to tell people irl, too.


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## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> It looks a lot like desperation, though. Almost as if you're so afraid to be single that you'd believe and tell yourself anything that even sounds halfway decent about him just to have a "man" around.
> 
> Frankly, I totally understand why your friends and family aren't aware of what's going on and you have to come here to vent. I'd be ashamed to tell people irl, too.


Amen sista :grin2::grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mapper said:


> That's right. Most people on here would say "Well I can't believe that he's the most productive person in a shop of 35 since *he's such a slacker and everyone is worse than him"* but you tend to believe that everyone there is a slacker. I wonder how the shop has been in business for 45 years with all those slackers?



I said the same thing in fewer words.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Mapper said:


> Went in yesterday to drop something off for him and had to wait for him to finish with a customer. While waiting for him not one, but two, of his coworkers came up to me and said that he was probably the hardest working person in the shop. And one of them said that he spoke up at the meeting that morning and told people to get their act together and start getting things done on time.


Well that's great for your husband, but that doesn't excuse his horrible work ethic. Sounds like his boss is a real puzzy all the way around and needs to get his balls out of someone's purse. That just perpetuates your husband's lack of respect for his job. But, go on witchya bad self! If it works for you and you still respect your husband for his lazy way of life, then more power to you.:smile2:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Mapper you have to know sooner or later your husbands work ethic is going to blow up on him, right? And frankly if he has such a lazy attitude I have to believe it carries over to other aspects of your life, correct?

So right now you are frustrated and just looking to vent. How are you going to feel after he has been out of work for two years yet still does nothing to help at home? How are you going to feel when you have to go home from work on your lunch hour to make sure the kids have clean diapers? How are you going to feel when you can't make your mortgage payment because he used the money to make his motor cycle payment? Would you married for the "long haul" knowing there would be way more "for worse" than "for better"? 

The question is where and when will you draw the line? You will blow up at some point, it's just a matter of time. Things are going to get worse, your venting will turn into resentment which will turn into hate and rage. You will regret the years you only vented, you will regret wasting years of your life married to a louse. 

So hey, enjoy yourself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mapper said:


> Amen sista :grin2::grin2:


Seriously, though, I have been there. I didn't tell friends and family about a LOT of the sh!t my ex pulled. Some part of me, and it grew yearly, was very ashamed of being married to a man that wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing.

That period of my life sucked for a lot of reasons, but I had an old friend who was married to a guy just like my ex, so we vented to each other all the time. She didn't want her family to know, either.

Then our stupid husbands started hanging around, the idiocy increased exponentially, and we had to stop hanging out to keep them apart.

A couple years later, Friend and I were both divorced and our friendship resumed. To this day, she is one of the very few people irl who know exactly how bad my exH got.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Then our stupid husbands started hanging around, the idiocy increased exponentially, and we had to stop hanging out to keep them apart.


Their auras locked, ......subliminal energy fields synced.
And like a washing machine that has an unbalanced load, the two knuckleheads started to bang, bang, thump in their joint spin cycle.


On the other hand:
You and your friend synced and hummed that familiar ditty, "We gotta get out of this place......if it's the last thing WE EVER DO !"


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