# Silent treatment



## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

I'm looking for advice on a parter who can't tolerate hearing that he did something wrong, and instead of talking it out with me he chooses to say he is done talking about it and gives me the silent treatment for several days. I'm usually the one that breaks the silence, but I feel that when I do that, I'm letting him win. I feel like he is being very immature and it's very frustrating to not be able to talk out our problems, whatever they may be. We have not talked to each other in 3 days, other than communication regarding work or our son. I refuse to give in this time, I want him to talk first. Is this the right thing to do? What other advice is out there?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If he's just a partner, dump him. 

If you are only co-parenting, stop talking to him too & email him. Don't text. You need the easier to print out paper / electronic evidence to show you made the effort. 

If you are still married to him & want to remain married attend some kind of communications workshop / MC to get him to put on his big boy pants & use his words.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Give some more background...

How old are you both? Married, engaged, dating?


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Give some more background...
> 
> How old are you both? Married, engaged, dating?


we have been married since 2018. I am 37 and he is 40. Also I should mention he is deaf and wears a cochlear implant. So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

IMHO, the silent treatment is childish bullying. No matter who does it, it's juvenile.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Ask1882 said:


> we have been married since 2018. I am 37 and he is 40. Also I should mention he is deaf and wears a cochlear implant. So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


Surprised he's 40. Would have guessed much younger. Obviously this is very childish and not the way an adult handles a disagreement. It's emotional abuse and a big red flag. 

I would talk with him and tell him it hurts you emotionally and it's not something you will allow to continue. If he refuses to address the issue (which he will), you have to consider your best options. It might take you mentioning separation/divorce to wake him up to reality.

Any other issues in the marriage?


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Surprised he's 40. Would have guessed much younger. Obviously this is very childish and not the way an adult handles a disagreement. It's emotional abuse and a big red flag.
> 
> I would talk with him and tell him it hurts you emotionally and it's not something you will allow to continue. If he refuses to address the issue (which he will), you have to consider your best options. It might take you mentioning separation/divorce to wake him up to reality.
> 
> Any other issues in the marriage?


He has come a long way to be honest. He used to be a much angrier, impatient person. But this is still something he struggles with...not being able to deal with the fact that he is wrong or not being able to deal with conflict. He had an abusive childhood (his father) and he struggles with being deaf. But I love him and I know he has a good heart...and he is a wonderful father.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> IMHO, the silent treatment is childish bullying. No matter who does it, it's juvenile.


i totally agree. I just want to know the best way to respond to someone who does this.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> we have been married since 2018. I am 37 and he is 40. Also I should mention he is deaf and wears a cochlear implant. So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


Oh dear. How very petty. In your shoes, I'd get somebody to teach me how to say "Stop being childish!" in ASL.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> i totally agree. I just want to know the best way to respond to someone who does this.


I just told my H that we're supposed to be a team and the silent treatment is childish and makes things much, much worse. We've had times when if I pointed out something he did, he wouldn't speak to me for days. I had to tell him I wasn't going to live that way, if he doesn't respect me enough to treat me like a person then we needed to make a big change. I also told him our son is watching him to see how marriages are supposed to work, and I'm not going to teach him women deserve to be treated like something men have to scrape off the bottom of their shoe. I don't treat him with that level of disrespect and I'm not going to tolerate it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If you're going to stay with him then accept you'll need to be the one to give after he's had his several day tantrum.

He ain't never gonna change.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I just told my H that we're supposed to be a team and the silent treatment is childish and makes things much, much worse. We've had times when if I pointed out something he did, he wouldn't speak to me for days. I had to tell him I wasn't going to live that way, if he doesn't respect me enough to treat me like a person then we needed to make a big change. I also told him our son is watching him to see how marriages are supposed to work, and I'm not going to teach him women deserve to be treated like something men have to scrape off the bottom of their shoe. I don't treat him with that level of disrespect and I'm not going to tolerate it.


Good for you!! Sometimes he will talk first after a few days. But mostly I'm the one that breaks the silence. I want to see how long this lasts and maybe I will speak if he doesn't. I have not addressed the silent treatment thing before but this time I will.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Ask1882 said:


> He has come a long way to be honest. He used to be a much angrier, impatient person. But this is still something he struggles with...not being able to deal with the fact that he is wrong or not being able to deal with conflict. He had an abusive childhood (his father) and he struggles with being deaf. But I love him and I know he has a good heart...and he is a wonderful father.


Ahhh....you didn't mention kids before (or if you did, I missed it). I would still talk to him and let him know how it hurts you. I wouldn't tell him it's childish since that will get you nowhere. But dwell on how it hurts you. And maybe some counseling would help with his childhood issues.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> Good for you!! Sometimes he will talk first after a few days. But mostly I'm the one that breaks the silence. I want to see how long this lasts and maybe I will speak if he doesn't. I have not addressed the silent treatment thing before but this time I will.


I'll get flamed for being a "man-hating feminazi" but if I'm not safe to discuss things openly in my own home, how can we parent together effectively? "His way or the highway" is not how I want my son to think marriages work. People need to be a team, and having one spouse bully and intimidate and belittle the other is very unhealthy. I am very careful to be kind, respectful and patient with my H in front of our son (and all the time, really) because even when I'm mad I still love him and I want to set a good example for my son. I deserve the same level of respect and courtesy. Chances are good your husband's behavior is what he saw in his own home and that's why he thinks it's ok.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Ask1882 said:


> I'm looking for advice on a parter who can't tolerate hearing that he did something wrong, and instead of talking it out with me he chooses to say he is done talking about it and gives me the silent treatment for several days. I'm usually the one that breaks the silence, but I feel that when I do that, I'm letting him win. I feel like he is being very immature and it's very frustrating to not be able to talk out our problems, whatever they may be. We have not talked to each other in 3 days, other than communication regarding work or our son. I refuse to give in this time, I want him to talk first. Is this the right thing to do? What other advice is out there?


Today is the 4th day of the silent treatment for my wife and I. I find the silent treatment helps our relationship. It gives us time apart and some freedom, otherwise everywhere we go, we go together and always doing the hand holding, lovey dovey thing. It's good to get away from that sometimes, otherwise, it'lll drive one nuts. It also gives us a chance to reflect on what the argument is about. I do apologize when I feel it's my fault, my wife sometimes is a little more stubborn...lol. I think my freedom is ending soon though cause she's giving me the signs that it is. I know, I'm bad....I get it.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Ask1882 said:


> So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


some guys have all the luck..


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Today is the 4th day of the silent treatment for my wife and I. I find the silent treatment helps our relationship. It gives us time apart and some freedom, otherwise everywhere we go, we go together and always doing the hand holding, lovey dovey thing. It's good to get away from that sometimes, otherwise, it'lll drive one nuts. It also gives us a chance to reflect on what the argument is about. I do apologize when I feel it's my fault, my wife sometimes is a little more stubborn...lol. I think my freedom is ending soon though cause she's giving me the signs that it is. I know, I'm bad....I get it.


Tread lightly my man. The silent treatment is sometimes followed by a sledgehammer. Technique used a lot by the WAW.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> He has come a long way to be honest. He used to be a much angrier, impatient person. But this is still something he struggles with...not being able to deal with the fact that he is wrong or not being able to deal with conflict. He had an abusive childhood (his father) and he struggles with being deaf. But I love him and I know he has a good heart...and he is a wonderful father.


 if you except it he will stay doing it and there is no way a father can be a good father if he does this , it is showing very bad example , we all have past , our past does not give us the right to act badly , and it is as much your responsibility as his to nip this and cut it out , 

find a way if he takes out his cochlear implant again tell him it is mc as it is showing one or the 2 of you are wrong


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> Tread lightly my man. The silent treatment is sometimes followed by a sledgehammer. Technique used a lot by the WAW.


I understand that and it does happen sometimes. Mainly if I'm wrong and she has to say something first to break the silence. What is WAW? tried to look it up but all I got was "women for afghanistan women"


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My ex was like this. Not exactly the silent treatment but refusal to deal with anything remotely uncomfortable...sometimes that meant silence, sometimes it meant a phony smile while playing dumb, and sometimes he'd just keep changing the subject.

I left him.

It's up to you if you want to live like that, but know that you're never going to be able to resolve anything with him. I told my ex countless times that his refusal to deal with things only made things worse, bur nothing changed because he wasn't interested in resolving anything. He liked the bully power play.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do you have any idea if he might be narcissistic? There are some articles under articles on this forum about narcissism. One of their main traits is they can never ever admit they're wrong and grossly overreact to even the slightest criticism, like little daily stuff that are just differences.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If he wants to be childish and ignore me, give silent treatment, then I would just carry on being me. Making plans without him, I'd probably leave a letter or post it note on the door saying "I will be staying at a hotel during your silent treatment time, as no point me being home to be ignored" will give you a week. If still silent when I get back then I will be leaving you for good. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s how people like that control things — instead of dealing with them and resolving them — and they rarely change without a lot of work.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I grew up in a home where the silent treatment was the main way of handling issues. At least it was better than hearing my mother scream and rant, but nothing got resolved. I married a guy who used silence as a weapon in his arsenal. It's nothing more than a passive-aggressive form of abuse. And, yes, I consider the silent treatment abuse.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I never found the people who utilized this technique to be particularly nice or kind. In fact, they were angry people. Your husband is stonewalling you. Sorry, but I can't get onboard with the idea that he's basically a nice guy. Problems come up in marriages. His way of not dealing with situations strikes me as mean-spirited and childish.

How did I handle this? I detached and quit engaging. After all, I didn't sign up for a marriage that boiled down to who "wins" in a so-called fight. Eventually, I left. Like I said, I don't feel someone who behaves in such a manner is loving, kind, or respectful of others.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I grew up in a home where the silent treatment was the main way of handling issues. At least it was better than hearing my mother scream and rant, but nothing got resolved. I married a guy who used silence as a weapon in his arsenal. It's nothing more than a passive-aggressive form of abuse. And, yes, I consider the silent treatment abuse.
> 
> I can only speak from my own experience, but I never found the people who utilized this technique to be particularly nice or kind. In fact, they were angry people. Your husband is stonewalling you. Sorry, but I can't get onboard with the idea that he's basically a nice guy. Problems come up in marriages. His way of not dealing with situations strikes me as mean-spirited and childish.
> 
> How did I handle this? I detached and quit engaging. After all, I didn't sign up for a marriage that boiled down to who "wins" in a so-called fight. Eventually, I left. Like I said, I don't feel someone who behaves in such a manner is loving, kind, or respectful of others.


 my MIL was good at it and used it on everyone she said it was the best way to intimidate someone , 
and advised her family to do the same , ,


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it would be good to explain how hurtful this is during disagreements, OP. It shuts down anything positive and can feel abusive, if it’s done often. Like a “punishment” for daring to bring up difficult topics. 

Your husband may not know what to say and it isn’t deliberate, but if it’s persistent, you really need to get on the same page that it’s not acceptable to treat each other like that.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you have any idea if he might be narcissistic? There are some articles under articles on this forum about narcissism. One of their main traits is they can never ever admit they're wrong and grossly overreact to even the slightest criticism, like little daily stuff that are just differences.


I have considered that but he does truly care for others so I don't know if that's really narcissistic...maybe a different personality disorder?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You could move into a spare bedroom if you have one. Telling him you’re tired of his childish behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ask1882 said:


> I have considered that but he does truly care for others so I don't know if that's really narcissistic...maybe a different personality disorder?


It's just happens to be one of the big signs of narcissism but that doesn't mean he's narcissistic. You might just Google some of the things he does and see what comes up and then any sound close you can specifically look for it and read about it.

Narcissists usually feel that everyone should put them and their needs above their own selves needs. They just feel they're that deserving and can't fathom why everyone doesn't make them the center of their universe


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Using the silent treatment, IMO, is indicative of a win-lose view of marriage, a competitive view. Someone has to "win" and someone has to "lose." If it's you against your spouse, I can't see how a marriage can survive, and if it's just understood that one spouse must always "win" because they're in charge, rather that having a cooperative relationship, that sounds more like parent/child or boss/employee than what I would consider a marriage.


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## May16 (5 mo ago)

You need to confront him about the silent treatment. Please, read about the four horsemen of apocalypse by Gottman (it is about relationships). Stonewalling is unacceptable in my book and I consider it abuse, too, even if not intentional given its highly damaging nature. He might not realise it but he needs to grow out of this immature behavioral pattern. Otherwise, your marriage will be over be it formally or “just” from within. It can be an ego thing or inability to deal with issues e.g. confronting you about behaviors he finds hurting or annoying. It can also be meant as control technique. So please confront him and then you will know better than us. Care about your wellbeing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

May16 said:


> You need to confront him about the silent treatment. Please, read about the four horsemen of apocalypse by Gottman (it is about relationships). Stonewalling is unacceptable in my book and I consider it abuse, too, even if not intentional given its highly damaging nature. He might not realise it but he needs to grow out of this immature behavioral pattern. Otherwise, your marriage will be over be it formally or “just” from within. It can be an ego thing or inability to deal with issues e.g. confronting you about behaviors he finds hurting or annoying. It can also be meant as control technique. So please confront him and then you will know better than us. Care about your wellbeing.


Maybe a marriage counselor could shake him up and make him realize he's a problem the way he's reacting.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I'm likewise guilty of giving the silent treatment to my spouse on occasion. I wish there were a way to avoid it, but it doesn't seem possible to do until the initial reason for the silent treatment is resolved. It's a Catch 22 at times.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> IMHO, the silent treatment is childish bullying. No matter who does it, it's juvenile.


Not if you’re dealing with a narcissist: it’s the only way out.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Maybe a marriage counselor could shake him up and make him realize he's a problem the way he's reacting.


Ahem. The first thing a MC should do is consider that there may be two sides to the story. 
Yes, I agree with everyone, the silent treatment is not a good way to handle conflict.
However it's possible that Ask1882 also has some unskilled ways of handling conflict. 

What do you think, Ask1882, what would your partner say if he was here to put his side of the story? What would he say?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Ahem. The first thing a MC should do is consider that there may be two sides to the story.
> Yes, I agree with everyone, the silent treatment is not a good way to handle conflict.
> However it's possible that Ask1882 also has some unskilled ways of handling conflict.
> 
> What do you think, Ask1882, what would your partner say if he was here to put his side of the story? What would he say?


We absolutely never know that on Tam. Although it doesn't sound like he would say much since he tends to clam up.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> We absolutely never know that on Tam.


That's right. And that's why I try not to be too quick to jump on the _get a lawyer / put a VAR in the car / put all his stuff in hefty bags_ bandwagons. But even if we don't know what it is, we can be pretty sure there is more to the story.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> That's right. And that's why I try not to be too quick to jump on the _get a lawyer / put a VAR in the car / put all his stuff in hefty bags_ bandwagons. But even if we don't know what it is, we can be pretty sure there is more to the story.


A friend of mine just divorced a husband who would just clam up and hide. Even CPS couldn't get him to do family counseling or anything. His is partly anxiety driven. He's reclusive to begin with.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A friend of mine just divorced a husband who would just clam up and hide. Even CPS couldn't get him to do family counseling or anything. His is partly anxiety driven. He's reclusive to begin with.


I'm sorry to hear that. Those are the people I can't help, the ones who won't turn up. Often they have a deep current of emotion in them, and as you say, anxiety.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. Those are the people I can't help, the ones who won't turn up. Often they have a deep current of emotion in them, and as you say, anxiety.


I would think a lot of the ones who clam up are that way, don't you? He had some sort of disorder, I think. He just wouldn't cooperate with anyone about anything, really. I think he was paranoid for starters. Everything was a conspiracy to him. Everyone out to get him. 

My friend's big fault, if you can call it that, is she is too tolerant. I've known her for 40 years. And has abandonment issues which influenced her choices. She put on rose-colored glasses. She likes to think that he wasn't like this when she chose him, but he was. From the start, at holidays, if there was family company, he would hide in his room and only come out for the dinner and then go back in. 

I think this anxiety-based fear is even more pronounced in recent generations, internet generations. 

But sulling up and refusing to communicate has always been around. When it goes on for days, though, something is seriously off. It's fine to walk away if you're about to lose it or if someone is pecking at you just out of habit, but you should be able to get yourself under control in a few hours, not a few days, I think, and then you should seek help if the pattern doesn't go away.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> I'm sorry to hear that. Those are the people I can't help, the ones who won't turn up. Often they have a deep current of emotion in them, and as you say, anxiety.


My ex reluctantly went to counseling a few times but didn't much participate and lied/stonewalled the little bit he did.

She gave him exercises to do and he did none of them. One was that he was supposed to encourage me to cry in front of him for the closeness but as his discomfort was far more important he ignored it. 

How do you deal with people like that?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When you tell your husband that he's done something "wrong", how do you say it OP? Your approach could be contributing to his (very immature) reaction.

If my husband engaged in this bs on a regular basis I'd be out. I have no intention of being married to a toddler. He did it ONCE and the way I handled it in the end was to simply carry on as normal, offered him tea/coffee if I were making one. At dinner time I made his favourite meal, just enough for me and the daughter. When he decided his mantrum was over, and asked where his meal was I replied "You're not speaking to me honey, I couldn't ask what you wanted so I just made enough for me and daughter as I didn't know what your plans were". 

He's never done it again. Wouldn't want to either.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> When you tell your husband that he's done something "wrong", how do you say it OP? Your approach could be contributing to his (very immature) reaction.
> 
> If my husband engaged in this bs on a regular basis I'd be out. I have no intention of being married to a toddler. He did it ONCE and the way I handled it in the end was to simply carry on as normal, offered him tea/coffee if I were making one. At dinner time I made his favourite meal, just enough for me and the daughter. When he decided his mantrum was over, and asked where his meal was I replied "You're not speaking to me honey, I couldn't ask what you wanted so I just made enough for me and daughter as I didn't know what your plans were".
> 
> He's never done it again. Wouldn't want to either.


You really do teach people how to treat you.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

How about some specific examples? What did this most recent event look like?

It is easy to misinterpret a man's silence.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> [*QUOTE="Ask1882, post: 20607344, member: 357005"]*
> _*He has come a long way to be honest. He used to be a much angrier, impatient person. But this is still something he struggles with...not being able to deal with the fact that he is wrong or not being able to deal with conflict. He had an abusive childhood (his father) and he struggles with being deaf. But I love him and I know he has a good heart...and he is a wonderful father.*_


Big deal.

There are *a lot* of men who didn't have stellar childhoods who possess these great qualities but *DON'T* act like 14-year-old teenage girls when they're mad.

And since you say he's so _wonderful_, you'll continue allowing the horrific disrespect you've allowed for far too long.

Here's my advice - if you keep accepting the unacceptable, then that's what you're going to continue getting.

I'd freeze this ass-hole out so quick he'd need a body bag to keep from getting hypothermia.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ask1882 said:


> _*I have considered that but he does truly care for others so I don't know if that's really narcissistic...maybe a different personality disorder?*_


Yeah, lots of folks slap that Narcissist label on literally ANYONE who's displaying unacceptable behavior. Glad to see you're not jumping on that over-done bandwagon.

It seems to be the buzz-word anymore for everyone on message boards. 🤣🤣

OP, one doesn't need to be 'disordered' with anything in order to act like an immature fool.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, lots of folks slap that Narcissist label on literally ANYONE who's displaying unacceptable behavior. Glad to see you're not jumping on that over-done bandwagon.


It's clear from from reading this forums over the years that literally EVERYONE'S ex is a narcissist. Including THEIR ex.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> I'm looking for advice on a parter who can't tolerate hearing that he did something wrong, and instead of talking it out with me he chooses to say he is done talking about it and gives me the silent treatment for several days. I'm usually the one that breaks the silence, but I feel that when I do that, I'm letting him win. I feel like he is being very immature and it's very frustrating to not be able to talk out our problems, whatever they may be. We have not talked to each other in 3 days, other than communication regarding work or our son. I refuse to give in this time, I want him to talk first. Is this the right thing to do? What other advice is out there?


So here’s the thing. I was married for 14 years, would have been 15 years at the end of this month. This was my life for probably the last eight years of this ‘marriage.’ He always wanted to rug sweep. Oh he could bring out the affair I had, which was a terrible decision I made, copped and per his request took immediate action to cut every tie possible with the affair.

Now if it was something he’d done that needed addressing, never helping around the house, never ‘helping’ with our son, never grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry or a load of dishes once in a while. He’s either stone wall me, or the last few months when I finally put my foot down and stopped being the bigger person… he’d go off and call me names and verbally and emotionally abuse me.

It’s a much deeper issue that may not have anything to do with you, the red flag here is you CANNOT make him open up or even grow up. You can’t.

My husband killed himself in March, now I’m not saying this will happen AT ALL, but I’m telling you , I know what I’m speaking to and you’re right, you’re not crazy. The silent treatment is manipulative at its core.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ask1882 said:


> we have been married since 2018. I am 37 and he is 40. Also I should mention he is deaf and wears a cochlear implant. So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


If he can’t or won’t LEARN to resolve differences by communicating effectively with you - end the marriage. 
what he’s doing is cruel and unhealthy. 
if he’s that emotionally childish then there is no reason to spend any more years being abused by his ways.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> If he can’t or won’t LEARN to resolve differences by communicating effectively with you - end the marriage.
> what he’s doing is cruel and unhealthy.
> if he’s that emotionally childish then there is no reason to spend any more years being abused by his ways.





Ask1882 said:


> I'm looking for advice on a parter who can't tolerate hearing that he did something wrong, and instead of talking it out with me he chooses to say he is done talking about it and gives me the silent treatment for several days. I'm usually the one that breaks the silence, but I feel that when I do that, I'm letting him win. I feel like he is being very immature and it's very frustrating to not be able to talk out our problems, whatever they may be. We have not talked to each other in 3 days, other than communication regarding work or our son. I refuse to give in this time, I want him to talk first. Is this the right thing to do? What other advice is out there?





frusdil said:


> When you tell your husband that he's done something "wrong", how do you say it OP? Your approach could be contributing to his (very immature) reaction.
> 
> If my husband engaged in this bs on a regular basis I'd be out. I have no intention of being married to a toddler. He did it ONCE and the way I handled it in the end was to simply carry on as normal, offered him tea/coffee if I were making one. At dinner time I made his favourite meal, just enough for me and the daughter. When he decided his mantrum was over, and asked where his meal was I replied "You're not speaking to me honey, I couldn't ask what you wanted so I just made enough for me and daughter as I didn't know what your plans were".
> 
> ...


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

I love your bad ass post! I'd like to respond to everyone's posts and say thank you for your input. I approached my husband last night (Wednesday) and told him we needed to talk. He responded with "yeah. Sure." Like didn't give a crap. I told him that telling me he's done talking and to get out of his face when I barely even started talking is passive aggressive, childish and doesn't solve anything. 
Our discussion is about me going part time because daycare is too expensive and we are expecting another. He's brought this up about 5 times in the past. It's always been about reducing daycare costs but also putting in hours to help him with his business. I told him I don't think doing more than I am already doing for the business is s good idea because it could mess up our relationship. If I make a mistake, he's going to lose his mind on me because I'm his wife (not an employee) so he thinks he can get away with that. The night he started the silent treatment- it was a response to me calling him out for verbally attacking me about something I was going to do for the business but hadn't even started yet. He was threatening me that if I didn't do it right he'd be "really f-ing pissed". Well we talked last night, I told him I'm not going to be treated like that and that's exactly why I don't want to do more than I already am for the business. He gaslighted me saying he never said I'd be working that position for the business it's more about not having to Pay so much for daycare, since a big chunk of my full time paycheck goes to that. Well, every time he brought this up it ALWAYS involved me working part time for the business! He told me I'm only hearing what I want to. Then he said that I don't have any interest in the business. Ok, let's see: 

I helped him do all the paperwork and applications to start the business

I did all the phone calling to get started and continue to make calls for him

I helped him with dozens and dozens of events and continue to do this while pregnant with my 2nd child

I helped him when I was 7 months pregnant with my first, after working my full time job, for hours until midnight to help expand the business

I've paid for all of our bills while he started the business and had nothing....etc. 


It is quite honestly soul crushing to hear someone say that when you have done everything to help and support them.

The last kicker. I told him it is really messed up to purposely take off his cochlear implant while I am trying to talk to him about something that he doesn't like or is his fault. He said "oh, I know." And started laughing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Look, I'll be honest with you. From what you're saying about this latest discussion, it sounds like he's not changing one bit. There's a time when talking about issues this serious is a waste of time.

I don't think I'd be onboard with working part-time at this point. Granted, with two children I can understand your wanting to be a SAHM or cut back on your work hours. But conflicts in your marriage are not solved to your satisfaction. In fact, they're not solved at all. My take on it is that he feels it's his way or the highway. And since he knows you're not going anywhere, he has no impetus to change.

If you can get him into marriage counseling, it might help. But from where I'm sitting, I don't see this ending well. I'm really sorry. (And that's why I'm suggesting you consider keeping a full-time job.)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ask1882 said:


> The last kicker. I told him it is really messed up to purposely take off his cochlear implant while I am trying to talk to him about something that he doesn't like or is his fault. He said "oh, I know." And started laughing.


ETA: ^^This^^ level of disrespect is, quite frankly, disturbing. I wouldn't put up with this crap. Believe me, I did in my marriage. Which is why I eventually left my marriage. Unless your husband realizes there are consequences for his behavior, this is what the rest of your life will look like.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If he cuts you off (taking out his hearing aid), thereby indicating very clearly you have nothing to say he feels has any value, then refuses to speak to you for days, then laughs when you object to that treatment, I’m not sure why you’d want to save this marriage. I agree that you need to get a full time job and start getting ready to raise these kids alone. I doubt he cares any more about them than he does about you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You've just been told to **** off.

I'd think long and hard about going part time. You'll save some day care but will be that much more dependent on him, and don't think thar won't be used against you. This guy isn't your ally.

You'll be back here complaining that he's still a bratty 5 year old but you can't go anywhere because you have 2 kids and mo money. The daycare argument is short sighted because you'll impact your future earning potential. You work full time and let him worry about his own ****ing business.

FYI, you might want to stop having kids with this guy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> ETA: *^^This^^ level of disrespect is, quite frankly, disturbing.* I wouldn't put up with this crap. Believe me, I did in my marriage. Which is why I eventually left my marriage. Unless your husband realizes there are consequences for his behavior, *this is what the rest of your life will look like*.


Amen sister, amen.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You two need to discuss things until you have new agreements together about what the solution is.
He tells you how it’s gonna be
You tell him how it’s gonna be
No one resolves things.
Get to a point where it’s in writing - because if you don’t - the rules will be changed every week to suit him.
I wouldn’t stay - I hope you can be strong and not allow him to be such a jerk to you.

do you have family you can stay with close by? I’d consider it.
You probably shouldn’t quit your job if it provides insurance. And also a safety net for you to be independent.
Don’t do the job you agreed to. Tell him you won’t - because he’s not kind about it and he certainly isn’t grateful for your help.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Let me give you my opinion, as someone who does this (couple therapy) for a living.

It may be too late to fix this one. (Or it may not.) I'm guessing he's unlikely to want to go to counselling, because he won't be able to do his childish stunts in front of a counsellor that he's paying for.

The two of you need to change the pattern.
If he was here, I'd be suggesting he cuts that stuff out. But he isn't here, so my advice is directed at you. Don't get me wrong, he seems like the offender from what you say, but I can't speak to him. So I'm considering *your* approach. Unless you just want to quit the relationship.

Fixing it has to not involve defeating him. You mustn't try to "win". Unless, as I said, you already know you're ending it.



Ask1882 said:


> I told him that telling me he's done talking and to get out of his face when I barely even started talking is *passive aggressive, childish* and doesn't solve anything.


Bad idea. He's probably heard this before. You need to say something to him that he thinks, "_oh, something has changed. She's never said this before". _You made criticism. Try not doing that for a while. Be different.



> I told him I don't think doing more than I am already doing for the business is s good idea because it could mess up our relationship.


Right. Working on his business may be part of the problem. So
_Bad thing to say_: "you're being childish"
_Good thing to say_: "I think me working on the business doesn't help us get on, so I want to gradually decrease that or even phase it out". (And stop there, *don't* add more words. Talking at too much length can sometimes be part of the problem. I don't know because I haven't see you, but believe me, a lot of people fail to stop when they've said what needed to be said.) Maybe even walk away when you've said it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah, lots of folks slap that Narcissist label on literally ANYONE who's displaying unacceptable behavior. Glad to see you're not jumping on that over-done bandwagon.
> 
> It seems to be the buzz-word anymore for everyone on message boards. 🤣🤣
> 
> OP, one doesn't need to be 'disordered' with anything in order to act like an immature fool.


I agree. There's a distinction between "narcissistic" and "NPD". We're all at least a little bit narcissistic at times. 

It basically means self-centred and unaware of other people as people. There is a whole lot more theory behind the NPD, about what caused it, how it works, and what's wrong in their head, but let's not go there. 

"People as people" - the serious narcissists just see other people as things, either potentially useful things, or neutral, or inconvenient. They are often puzzled when other people don't just do what they want them to, like we would be with a car that doesn't start. We don't think that the car may have its own motivations. They don't see that about other people. 

*The example of narcissism I most often see* in my practice (*not* NPD) is this. Someone contacts me to ask for counselling. I check my schedule, and email them back offering a time slot, which I will then hold for them for a few days. They then don't reply. Presumably the slot doesn't suit them, or they found another counselor, or something. So they just blank me. Now, I couldn't do it. I'd take literally 30 seconds and ping back a reply saying "no thanks". Someone has just done something for me, I couldn't just ghost them. So when that happens, I think, _this is why you have a relationship problem_. Of course, I'll never get the chance to say it to them, and of course, I'm quite glad not to have them as a client. Because it hasn't occurred to them that I actually exist, as a person. 

It's like someone who walks through a door before you, and doesn't hold it for you, just drops it on you. Never marry someone like that. I once warned my teenage daughter, never marry someone who cuts in line, either in traffic or in person. There's something missing in their brain.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> Let me give you my opinion, as someone who does this (couple therapy) for a living.
> 
> It may be too late to fix this one. (Or it may not.) I'm guessing he's unlikely to want to go to counselling, because he won't be able to do his childish stunts in front of a counsellor that he's paying for.
> 
> ...


We did counseling once. After one session he said he'd never go back because he felt like he was being attacked.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> We did counseling once. After one session he said he'd never go back because he felt like he was being attacked.


So basically, the therapist told him he wasn't perfect. 🙄


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So basically, the therapist told him he wasn't perfect. 🙄


Yes exactly! He's wrong 95% of the time. When I am wrong, I think about it and say, you know you're right. I was out of line and I'm really sorry. Because I'm a mature adult!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> Yes exactly! He's wrong 95% of the time. When I am wrong, I think about it and say, you know you're right. I was out of line and I'm really sorry. Because I'm a mature adult!


It doesn't sound like NPD. It sounds like immaturity, entitlement and arrogance. Like another poster said, you've been told to F off. He doesn't care about you at ALL. I don't think I'd waste any more time on him.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ask1882 said:


> We did counseling once. After one session he said he'd never go back because he felt like he was being attacked.


So what do you think about what I said?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ask1882 said:


> we have been married since 2018. I am 37 and he is 40. Also I should mention he is deaf and wears a cochlear implant. So when he chooses to do this he takes off the implant so even if I want to keep talking, he can't hear me at all anyway.


So. That doesn’t mean a thing.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So what do you think about what I said?


I think that's good advice and I will give it a try. Most days I am happy and everything is good...years ago when we moved in together, he suddenly became very mean and angry. I mean he was nicer to strangers than he was to me. Then I had enough and told him I was done. He came back the next day graveling at my feet and crying to take him back, and things really did get better. So now it's just some of the time I have to deal with this...and that's still not ok. However I do love him and he is a great dad. So I feel like I just need some coping skills for now...but really who knows what will happen down the road.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you're looking for coping skills, I'd advise you not engage him in conversations where he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Frankly, I don't think I could feel the warm fuzzies with a man who laughed at me for voicing my concerns, but to each their own.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why are you having another child when your marriage is in such a disarray? That decision doesn't seem fair to the new child.


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Why are you having another child when your marriage is in such a disarray? That decision doesn't seem fair to the new child.


I didn't post on here to get opinions and rude questions about child bearing. My husband is actually a great father and loves his son unconditionally. We do not fight around him all. He is well behaved and quite a happy child. You have a real set of balls on ya, huh?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> I love your bad ass post! I'd like to respond to everyone's posts and say thank you for your input. I approached my husband last night (Wednesday) and told him we needed to talk. He responded with "yeah. Sure." Like didn't give a crap. I told him that telling me he's done talking and to get out of his face when I barely even started talking is passive aggressive, childish and doesn't solve anything.
> Our discussion is about me going part time because daycare is too expensive and we are expecting another. He's brought this up about 5 times in the past. It's always been about reducing daycare costs but also putting in hours to help him with his business. I told him I don't think doing more than I am already doing for the business is s good idea because it could mess up our relationship. If I make a mistake, he's going to lose his mind on me because I'm his wife (not an employee) so he thinks he can get away with that. The night he started the silent treatment- it was a response to me calling him out for verbally attacking me about something I was going to do for the business but hadn't even started yet. He was threatening me that if I didn't do it right he'd be "really f-ing pissed". Well we talked last night, I told him I'm not going to be treated like that and that's exactly why I don't want to do more than I already am for the business. He gaslighted me saying he never said I'd be working that position for the business it's more about not having to Pay so much for daycare, since a big chunk of my full time paycheck goes to that. Well, every time he brought this up it ALWAYS involved me working part time for the business! He told me I'm only hearing what I want to. Then he said that I don't have any interest in the business. Ok, let's see:
> 
> I helped him do all the paperwork and applications to start the business
> ...





Ask1882 said:


> We did counseling once. After one session he said he'd never go back because he felt like he was being attacked.


it is stupid to knock all counselling because he was been attacked , change get another one but this shows he is not willing to make the effort ,

Now I WILL GIVE YOU SOME VERY IMPORTENT ADVICE

Never give up the day job , I am looking at this from many points or sides , 
as someone that works fulltime with my wife , 7 days a week ,
our job was not a paying job it was an existence and a way of life , we enjoyed the lifestyle , 
the work is hard days are long , we got to spend every hour together , there are more things out of life than money , but at the end of the day you need to think about when you can't work, and you need to think sometimes of the amount of work you put in for the return , 

we live off our business a simple life never take holidays never a full day off, 
but we are good together but this year we have become tired of working for little and we are changing things to cut down the time on the work load ,

your job gives you freedom, and independence , and you are keeping your foot in the work place , many women give up work because of cost of child care and in the end never go back to work , or stay in low pay while the husband advances in his job, 

you all so have to think of your job or think about getting a better job , as a way of it gives you a choose of if the worst happens you still have money turning , at worst it is a safety net and look for a side way to earn money ,
today, the job is just what paid the bills when your husband was getting his thing off the ground , well you need to look at what other way you can make money , and think about having a few things going on the side, one day you can walk away from the job 

all so think of and you can talk about it with your husband if you end up splitting he will then need child care for the 50% of the time when it is his time to mind the kids ,


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> I didn't post on here to get opinions and rude questions about child bearing. My husband is actually a great father and loves his son unconditionally. We do not fight around him all. He is well behaved and quite a happy child. You have a real set of balls on ya, huh?


yes I think you might have a good relationship for 80% of the time it is just when things go wrong your husband uses you as someone to blame for his own short cummings 

bit like Jeff Dunham THE GUY WITH THE PUPPETS Arthur complains his wife blames him for everything, she even blamed him for running a red light even though he was at home at the time


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'd advise you not engage him in conversations where he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Frankly, I don't think I could feel the warm fuzzies with a man who laughed at me for voicing my concerns,


I think your might be right here but both need to improve their conversation skills one seems to think he knows it all , and she needs to try fix one thing at a time 
last time she tried to talk to him about his crap ways , she needed to make a point but it needs to be on the point and not a vague run down of all the things that are wrong , 

staying on one subject is very important , some people never stay on the point they are making and like to win so bring up every thing that ever happened between them for the last 5 or 10 years , like what about that time you did x and the time you did y 

no one wins a fight you just get two losers


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You're in a dysfunctional marriage that is on the brink of disaster with no hope in sight because your husband refuses therapy and will not change. You've already threatened to leave him once and there's zero communication. You can barely afford child care for your existing child. When several posters express criticism and suggest this marriage isn't going to last, you say '"well he's a great father" as if that somehow erases all the major problems that exist between the two of you as partners and apparently have continued to worsen over time, to the point that you are looking for help on a relationship forum.

An astute observation was made by another member that perhaps bringing a second child into this mess isn't such a good idea and you respond by getting triggered and starting with the name calling. 

I'm thinking your husband has a good reason for removing his ear implant so he can't hear you. This situation is definitely not all his fault and I doubt he's wrong 95% of the time as you proclaim. 
.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> Thank you very much for your responses. You give me actual useful information instead of that jerk up there (sfort).


while I did not agree with sforts post or point on you having a second baby , I can tell you sfort is one of the better posters on here 
I don't think you are right in calling Sfort a jerk, 
WHEN sfort made the point about why you are having a second baby with a husband that does what he does, 
It WOULD have been better to come back and tell sfort that while your husband is a total prick some times a lot of the time he is good , and you hope to find the way to improve how both react, 
we can take it as a way to two of you interact , may be you over react when your husband acts in a way , one pushes the others buttons , both been in some way wrong ,
like two people that just are good when all is good and as I said before that could be 80% of the time 
but the other times you and him are both wrong in how you bounce off each other ,

YOU have to see things from our side too we come here take our time to read posts to help people that ask for help, 
7 out of 10 here are after been cheated on hurt and deceived and found out when it was too late , we get a new poster that gives 20 min making a post but points out just one side of their life and we try and see their whole life not from their eyes but from our eyes 
so if a person was cheated on they will be looking for that , if the poster wan living with a nutter they can see the nutter in us or our partner , we don't step into your shoes but the idea behind this type forum is to help you find the response right for you 
some times that is by taking a little from many posters ,

I don't have the time to post all I would like to say here on how to improve your interaction , sadly your husband does not want to take the time to go to some type of MC 

but this is sep the time of year people look for things they can do for winter , some take up dance class some take up diy , 
it might be worth looking into something that your and your husband might take up for the winter that would improve your marriage 
I can not say what is best or what is in your area but you can find something that could self help


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## Ask1882 (5 mo ago)

Trident said:


> You're in a dysfunctional marriage that is on the brink of disaster with no hope in sight because your husband refuses therapy and will not change. You've already threatened to leave him once and there's zero communication. You can barely afford child care for your existing child. When several posters express criticism and suggest this marriage isn't going to last, you say '"well he's a great father" as if that somehow erases all the major problems that exist between the two of you as partners and apparently have continued to worsen over time, to the point that you are looking for help on a relationship forum.
> 
> An astute observation was made by another member that perhaps bringing a second child into this mess isn't such a good idea and you respond by getting triggered and starting with the name calling.
> 
> ...


We absolutely can afford child care. That's not the issue. It's expensive and if I go part time I won't be paying so much for the daycare and will be making nearly the same amount of money part time without as much daycare. Our business is very successful and I am also the owner, so technically I have complete control of it. I simply asked a question on here to get advice from people that may have had similar experiences. Most people have offered advice and responses without being abrasive and rude. Most of the things you said are completely inaccurate.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

As we say in Al-Anon, "Take what you need and leave the rest."


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Ask1882 said:


> We absolutely can afford child care. That's not the issue. It's expensive and if I go part time I won't be paying so much for the daycare and will be making nearly the same amount of money part time without as much daycare. Our business is very successful and I am also the owner, so technically I have complete control of it. I simply asked a question on here to get advice from people that may have had similar experiences. Most people have offered advice and responses without being abrasive and rude. Most of the things you said are completely inaccurate.


I am very sorry to say but the way your coming across I think I can understand why your husband takes out his aid , 
you seem to get very aggressive and defensive very fast


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ask1882 said:


> I'm looking for advice on a partner who can't tolerate hearing that he did something wrong, and instead of talking it out with me he chooses to say he is done talking about it and gives me the silent treatment for several days. I'm usually the one that breaks the silence, but I feel that when I do that, I'm letting him win.


^^This^^ is basically your problem. I don't know how much advice you actually want, because you seem to be arguing with a lot of the people here offering their advice/opinions.

Your husband handles challenges or issues in the marriage by maintaining a his-way-or-the-highway mentality. Thus, it's incumbent for you to learn to cope with it. He doesn't want to change. He thinks he's right. He's not interested in your side(s) of the issue(s). Why he behaves this way, I do not know.

You say he's a good father. My only advice for you is to focus on his good points and ignore the bad. He's made it clear how he operates. Up to you to decide how to deal with it. Your life. Your choice.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sfort said:


> I'm likewise guilty of giving the silent treatment to my spouse on occasion. I wish there were a way to avoid it, but it doesn't seem possible to do until the initial reason for the silent treatment is resolved. It's a Catch 22 at times.


What is your reason for staying silent when you are angry though - is it to bring a reluctant partner around to discuss the issue? Or is it because you are angry and you want to calm down before talking? Or because you need space and a chance to think quietly before you can address what is wrong...?

I believe the INTENT of staying silent matters - if it's being used as a weapon, or a coping skill, or as a method of resolution - the reason for staying silent is an important point to consider.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> to bring a reluctant partner around to discuss the issue? Or is it because you are angry and you want to calm down before talking? Or because you need space and a chance to think quietly before you can address what is wrong...?


Actually, it's all three. It takes me a while to get past the anger, frustration, and disappointment. There's probably some passive aggressive flavor to my reaction, but it's automatic. It's not something I do just to be an ass.


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