# So she cheated on me



## clivegreen (May 25, 2018)

Hello fellow forumites this is my story. May last year me and my wife got married in Cyprus, it was the most perfect day full of love and happiness. When we returned to the UK it was straight back into the routines of everyday family life kids work etc. In October my wife suffered a miscarriage and also had to deal with a nasty boss making life at work difficult for her. I was loving and supportive towards her during all this, she even made a gushing Facebook post about how I had been her rock during the past few months. Cut to December and on a work night out she didn't come home. On her return she told me she had got drunk and stayed at a female friends house and whilst annoyed I didn't think anymore of it, I trusted her right? So life carries on and I feel her becoming distant with me and she is working more and more we hardly see eachother for 2 weeks. I have a gut feeling something isn't right but I suppress that feeling, we are both working hard she has had a big emotional trauma and is working lots to take her mind off of the miscarriage she tells me. In march this year curiosity gets the better of me and I have a look at her phone and see some messages from a colleague that are inappropriate, when I asked her about them she said they were friends it was harmless banter etc. I was not impressed and confronted him and he told me the same thing and that it wouldn't happen again. A few days later when wife was sleeping I again take her phone and go through literally everything on it and to my dismay discover that they have been having an affair for 4months. When wife awoke she was panicking about her phone being missing and she asks me if I've seen it. I pull it out of my pocket and say I have seen everything and her first reaction was to deny the affair. After a lengthy heart to heart she tells me she's been going off the rails since the miscarriage and confesses to the affair, she's been hiding her feelings from me and using an affair to escape her emotional pain. The first sign she knew she was messed up was the night she didn't come home, turns out it was a male colleagues house though nothing sexual happened as she was still bleeding from the MC that was the point she began looking outside our marriage for comfort. I know she was and is messed up and I'm trying to hold on to our marriage because we do still love and care for one another. I can with time forgive her infidelity. I'm trying to be a better husband but the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling, she just won't acknowledge her feelings. I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If she won't accept her situation, you can't accept it either. Sorry to tell you this, but you are likely not going to be able to make this marriage work singlehandedly.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

You need to take a dramatic step to wake her up if you are going to get her into counseling, and possibly save your marriage. You need to show her that you are deadly serious about this

I suggest that the Only thing that might do this is to file and have her served, especially having her served while she is at work. You need to shock her and shake her (figuratively). 

As the saying goes you need to risk your marriage to save it!!!

If you do anything less, she will few it as a sign of weakness and continue to walk all over you. She will NOT go into counseling to deal with her underlying issues or about the miscarriage. And she will get back together with the other guy, or find a new guy

THEN, once she has been in counseling for a while, you can decide if you want and can stay married to a woman that has betrayed you and let another man be inside of you since she vowed to be with you and only you.

Also, you need to expose the affair. Does the guy have a wife? She needs to know and will help end it. Tell ALL family and friends. This is not punishment. They will be there to support both of you 

Good luck


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get out now, lest you find her cheating again once you’re 3 kids, a dog, a mortgage, a couple of vehicles, and a handful of retirement accounts into this sham of a marriage.

Hell, it might not even take that long.

Forgiveness is a great thing, but you can forgive AND divorce — they aren’t mutually exclusive.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Three more things...

Contact a moderator and ask them to change your name to something other than your email address

Go to doctor and get screen for STDs. She should do this as well

Finally, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. This is NOT about STDs, it is about not getting her pregnant. You do NOT want to bring a child into this picture right now, or at least for a full year after reconciliation. And do NOT trust her when it comes to birth control. She may view a pregnancy and child as a way of trapping you in the marriage


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Dump her!

Nobody wants sloppy seconds!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm afraid this type of behavior is a mystery to me.

How does a married person just not come home? Not call or text? No discussing plans?

It's not about trust - it's common courtesy.

People treat one another so badly on such a basic level.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your excuses for her are pure bull****. 

There is no excuse for cheating especially that early in a marriage.

It sounds like you're making excuses because you dont/can't make a decision.

This is the thing. She's nothing special. Just a very typical, lying cheater.

You'll wallow in this for awhile unless you wake up to who she really is.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You cannot force someone to be faithful. They have been playing you for a fool and quite clearly she doesn’t want to play the role of your loving wife. Don’t believe anything she says at this time. Her head will be all over the place and she won’t want to lose you as her plan B so she will spout a lot of drivell to keep you happy. Get ahead of things and file for divorce.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

tech-novelist said:


> Sorry to tell you this, but you are likely not going to be able to make this marriage work singlehandedly.


Not only you, no one can make a marriage work singlehandedly.



OP said:


> I'm trying to be a better husband


Good for you! Nothing wrong with that. All of us can be better husbands, fathers, careerists, whatever endeavor we undertake, we can improve.

However, this statement has the smell of blame acceptance on your part. Her affair is not your fault. She made a unilateral decision to go outside her marriage. You had nothing to do with that. She had an affair _because she wanted to_, and she has not learned that self-medication usually brings grief, heartache, emotional hurt, and tribulation to herself, and to her husband and family. 

There are countless millions of married women who have had miscarriages. And, who _have not had extramarital affairs_ in order to self-medicate. because they can accurately predict the consequences of that choice, and have the moral conviction needed to resist victoriously over the temptation to do so.

Therefore, your "take away" from this should be to stop providing her with this _excuse_, or any other excuse, for adultery. Your expectations should not be shrouded in enabling her to "get by" with this. 

You also need to "take away" this idea, that perhaps her problem is not that she doesn't know, or cannot accurately predict the consequences of her adultery, but is actually that she just doesn't give a carpenter's damn about anyone other than herself. The reason I say this is because it only took her 9 months being married to have an affair. Smells like smoke.....when something smells like smoke, there's a fire....



OP said:


> the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling,


Yes, that is correct. She is indeed depressed. However, that is also not the reason she CHOSE to have an affair. But, she should be seeking medical help and counseling because of her emotional trauma, and because she needs to fully "get it" regarding why she committed adultery, what she can do in the future to help avoid extramarital temptations, and how _*SHE* can repair and reconcile her marriage_. Not how YOU can repair and reconcile her marriage. She made this mess with absolutely no help from you. She needs to "own" it, take sole responsibility for it, and fix it herself, alone.



OP said:


> I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


I understand. BTDT. I can't help you on this decision. You have to do what is in keeping with your conscience and your desires.



OP said:


> I can with time forgive her infidelity.


Yes, you can, and it is the morally-right thing for you to do. I think you already understand, that forgiveness does not require reconciliation of your marriage. You can relinquish the right to retaliate upon her, punish her, and stop dwelling upon it in your mind through time, but forgiveness does not demand that you continue to place yourself in harm's way with this person who will not take it upon herself to present herself a worthy marital partner who has overcome her propensity to self-medicate.

I edited this to eliminate the use of your email address. Getting a moderator to change this for you is a good idea.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The baby that wasn't, was.

It was listening to her words and witnessing her behavior.

It bailed on her too.

I could go into an esoteric explanation here.
More so than I just gave.

But, this would be misunderstood, would be unkind.

Yes.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

No way can you help her in this situation. She is blameshifting to the point that you have accepted that there are things about you that you can fix. Bullcrap! She has kept this affair secret because she likes it that way. Depressed? Maybe, but no freaking guilt over cheating on you! Cheaters lie, cheaters are selfish, cheaters blameshift, cheaters are cake eaters!

Leave her, she will not change anytime soon or if ever because this is who she probably is.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

clivegreen said:


> In October my wife suffered a miscarriage and also had to deal with a nasty boss making life at work difficult for her. I was loving and supportive towards her during all this, she even made a gushing Facebook post about how I had been her rock during the past few months. Cut to December and on a work night out she didn't come home.





clivegreen said:


> I'm trying to be a better husband but the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling, she just won't acknowledge her feelings.


 Since after the miscarriage you were a “loving and supportive towards her during all this” where “she even made a gushing Facebook post about how” you “had been her rock during” the months after” you needing to try “to be a better husband” has nothing to do with her cheating. Also, millions of women do not cheat after a misscarriage, so the misscarriage is just a fake excuse she is saying to you; she knows this which explains her “refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling”.

Get out now. It will only get harder to do once she cheats on you after you have children with her, because then you will be saying that you do not want to be a part time dad, and that you could not do this to innocent children.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

No buddy, you like ever other inexperienced man are being played from the start. 

So let's see, you guys have barely been married a year and she is already cheating on you? 

Yeah, no kids, you are being a chump. 

File for divorce and move on.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I have had four miscarriages. A woman that has a miscarriage in October is not still bleeding in December. Unless something was seriously medically wrong. So the whole thing about having a sleep over with him but nothing happened because of the bleeding is a complete lie. So why lie about that?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Years of excruciating pain is what you will have if you don’t divorce this wretched, deceitful person.

It’s hard to start over and rip off the bandaid. But that is what should be done.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

clivegreen said:


> Hello fellow forumites this is my story. May last year me and my wife got married in Cyprus, it was the most perfect day full of love and happiness. When we returned to the UK it was straight back into the routines of everyday family life kids work etc. In October my wife suffered a miscarriage and also had to deal with a nasty boss making life at work difficult for her. I was loving and supportive towards her during all this, she even made a gushing Facebook post about how I had been her rock during the past few months. Cut to December and on a work night out she didn't come home. On her return she told me she had got drunk and stayed at a female friends house and whilst annoyed I didn't think anymore of it, I trusted her right? So life carries on and I feel her becoming distant with me and she is working more and more we hardly see eachother for 2 weeks. I have a gut feeling something isn't right but I suppress that feeling, we are both working hard she has had a big emotional trauma and is working lots to take her mind off of the miscarriage she tells me. In march this year curiosity gets the better of me and I have a look at her phone and see some messages from a colleague that are inappropriate, when I asked her about them she said they were friends it was harmless banter etc. I was not impressed and confronted him and he told me the same thing and that it wouldn't happen again. A few days later when wife was sleeping I again take her phone and go through literally everything on it and to my dismay discover that they have been having an affair for 4months. When wife awoke she was panicking about her phone being missing and she asks me if I've seen it. I pull it out of my pocket and say I have seen everything and her first reaction was to deny the affair. After a lengthy heart to heart she tells me she's been going off the rails since the miscarriage and confesses to the affair, she's been hiding her feelings from me and using an affair to escape her emotional pain. The first sign she knew she was messed up was the night she didn't come home, turns out it was a male colleagues house though nothing sexual happened as she was still bleeding from the MC that was the point she began looking outside our marriage for comfort. I know she was and is messed up and I'm trying to hold on to our marriage because we do still love and care for one another. I can with time forgive her infidelity. I'm trying to be a better husband but the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling, she just won't acknowledge her feelings. I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


What your wife has told you is bs. My wife had a miscarriage and she turned to me for comfort and support. Just like your wife did with hers. 

She then chose to start ****ing another man.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Do you have kids?

If you have the messages between the two, if you can clean it up and remove their names, and post it here, it would be easier to decode what is going on.

I understand that you have a history with your wife that predated your marriage and as you posted she's not the type who would cheat, you just didn't even consider it when she didn't come home. So the posters here have some advantages than you, and that is that you know your wife, and the posters here do not. The posters here can judge simply by her actions and words, where you are burdened with her past virtues, which influences her as "basically good" or her miscarriage caused this or her tough environment at work caused it or whatever else you hang your hat on that you should stay with her.

What you should do, is try to focus on the facts, the actions, and the words (not for truthfulness but for the fact that she said them) and not worry if she is "good" or "bad" or whatever subjective judgment that we could debate. She had sex with another man, she lied about it, you caught her - we can all agree with that.

Should you try to stay in the marriage or divorce? That depends on you and her. A romantic relationship is a mutual voluntary agreement. Both sides must agree. Both sides must agree what are the boundaries, what are the dealbreakers.

Your wife just told you that she is willing to leave the marriage. No matter what her words are, her actions told you that. It wasn't a drunken blackout, it was meditated and it was continuing, maybe, probably, it still continues now. You see a picture of closeness and happiness, and you did not cheat. She did cheat, so I think it is an attitude of denial if you think she was close and happy with you. Maybe she was, but the evidence doesn't show it.

My point is that you should be open. Should you divorce? The correct answer is "I'm not sure, I have to see what happens." Should you work on the marriage? The correct answer is "I already was working on the marriage, I never stopped working on the marriage, but I don't know if I will continue to work on the marriage. I have to see what happens."

By her actions, the presumption is that she is not committed to the marriage. What you should do is tell her that, and tell her it's up to her to prove she is committed to the marriage.

1-Quit the job
2-Block the other man on all devices and social media
3-Get tested for STDs
4-Tell the full truth of the affair, and any other cheating, and give the evidence she has

Just crying and saying sorry isn't difficult. No more difficult than saying "I'm staying with a girlfriend" when she's really with a guy. Let her have some consequences. Ask her to do those things for you. You are sacrificing with pain and hurt and betrayal. Let her commit through significant sacrifices. Her actions presume that she is not committed to the marriage. Let her perform some actions that show she is committed to the marriage. Don't let her just give lip service. Talk is cheap.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Your wife is blame shifting her cheating to her miscarriage.
My wife had a miscarriage at four months, between our first
and second child. We turned to each other for comfort. I say 
we because not only did she lose a child I did as well. You 
had to see the pain she went threw just like I saw what my wife 
went threw. Neither one of us cheated or even thought about it. 
You can decide to stay or leave but IMO if it has only been one year
I would get out now !! At least take a serious look at your marriage and
future life together. Life is full of ups and downs if she cheated now 
what does your future with her hold ? More cheating ? Only you can
decide what you will endure thou.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

OKAY:

1. *Stop trying to be a better husband*. It is called the "pick me dance". It disgusts a wayward wife (WW) and you become a pathetic loser in their eyes. It never works!

2. *Her affair has probably gone underground and is hidden from you now.* You should at least act as it is. Cheaters are liars.

3. *File for divorce now.* Have her served at work. Its like a cold slap in the face. She either comes back or she goes away faster. Either way, its positive for you. You know where you are and don't have to keep eating a **** sandwich. 

4. *This should be exposed* to friends, work, and family as soon as possible.

5. *Get tested for STD's now.* Do not have sex with her again till this is settled. It is considered forgiveness by a court and will effect your position.

6. *Read up on the "180"* and put it into effect now. Contact only through text, email, or lawyer. Short, calm, precise, unemotional answers.

7. _*You are being a "nice guy".*_ Nice guys finish last. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's a pdf online.

8. *No marriage counciling*. Get counciling for yourself. You can't council a dead marriage.

9. *Be strong, courageous and decisive*. In all cases, that's how you want to be viewed.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

clivegreen said:


> The first sign she knew she was messed up was the night she didn't come home, turns out it was a male colleagues house though nothing sexual happened as she was still bleeding from the MC that was the point she began looking outside our marriage for comfort.


Going outside the marriage for comfort is no excuse. In fact it makes matters worse. She should have gone to you for comfort, but instead she found another man to comfort her from the loss of her pregnancy. That's super messed up. I'm noticing this excuse on forums lately. A grieving woman goes to another man for comfort rather than to her husband.

Any woman who does this was disconnected to begin with. It's like she was looking for an excuse to cheat and when a tragedy occurred she seized on it as an excuse. Only people who had cheating hearts before the tragedy would do such a thing. This is a ridiculous excuse and should be rejected immediately. She is using this to gain sympathy and explain her betrayal rather than facing the darkness of her own heart for answers. As long as she is using this as an excuse there is no hope that she will change.



clivegreen said:


> I know she was and is messed up and I'm trying to hold on to our marriage because we do still love and care for one another. I can with time forgive her infidelity.


A lot of couples reconcile after adultery, but it doesn't work if it's rug swept. It has to be worked through in order to ever get to a healthy place.



clivegreen said:


> I'm trying to be a better husband but the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling, she just won't acknowledge her feelings. I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


The problem isn't that you were a bad husband. The problem is that she is a bad wife. You are not the cause of the marriage breakdown here. Your wife is. Do not take responsibility for her adultery. That is 100% on her. If you stay when she is unwilling to face the truth about herself and about what she's done, you will never be able to trust her or to be safe with her again.

Set a boundary by telling her this. 

Her choices are:
One
Work with a professional to find out what is wrong inside her that she would do such a terrible thing.
Repent
Work hard to regain your trust

OR

Two
You are done as of right this minute and don't look back.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Bluesclues said:


> I have had four miscarriages. A woman that has a miscarriage in October is not still bleeding in December. Unless something was seriously medically wrong. So the whole thing about having a sleep over with him but nothing happened because of the bleeding is a complete lie. So why lie about that?


Wow. I didn't catch that. Um yeah, that is an obviously lie.

Your wife is not even showing you that she's desperate for you and desperate for your marriage to work. Without that, you don't have anything to work with. You cannot do it for her. In any marriage, even where there is no infidelity, both people have to put work into the relationship. You cannot have a happy one sided relationship. A good marriage requires two people working together and having each other's backs. Through all this your wife is whining about her miscarriage being the reason for her adultery when that doesn't make any sense. That is not why she did it.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Seriously Dude! Just RUN!

You have been blessed to find out early on that this is the kind of person she is.... It makes zero sense that after her miscarriage she would turn her back on the one who would understand what she was going through, her husband, and seek comfort in the arms of another man.... 

.....unless that other man knows exactly what she is going through..... are you sure the child was even yours??? I'm sure you will never know "for sure".... but what you do now know for sure is that you wife is a LYING, CHEATING, *****!!!! 

Make no mistake, the first 1-2yrs is considered the honeymoon phase of a marriage, and if she WONT stay faithful and turn to you for her emotional needs; then she never will. It's who she is! Or perhaps she just doesn't love you enough... it's one of the two. Either way you deserve SO MUCH MORE!


Sorry just some of my Sha-Hitty thoughts!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir
It is time for some tough love. In short, she needs to stop playing the poor little me card. She needs a blindsiding that will shock her into reality. That should be accomplished as a single person intervention. When she arrives home from work, she should be met with divorce papers and her bag packed. That is shock and awe. Next, you tell her that you are filing divorce as she is still in the affair fog. I don't frankly care that she had a miscarriage. Miscarriages are fairly common, and it is NO EXCUSE for spreading them for another guy. LET THAT ROLL THRU YOUR HEAD. She spread them for someone other than you and he left a deposit in a space reserved for you. Therefore, her first consequence (Consequences have been what has been missing), her marriage as she knew it is gone. Second consequence, she has new living arrangements away from you. She needs to be informed that the affair is all on her, and it is up to her to fix herself, you consider the relationship over at this point. Look up the 180 and DO IT. Stop doing the pick me dance, and tell her that the final consequence is that EVERYONE at work, home etc etc etc will know that she ended your marriage by having an affair. 

If her affair partner is married, then rat the SOB out. If they work together, end both of their careers. Make her confess to everyone, if she refuses, just go ahead and do it. Most of all, let her know that it is now up to her to repair the marriage. If she isn't up to it, I am sure your next wife will be. Let her know that is a great possibility. My consequence for doing this? I had to comply with her demands, and she separated from me and dated. Nice to watch your wife go on dates, while you are trying to fix what you fuÇked up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

clivegreen said:


> The first sign she knew she was messed up was the night she didn't come home, turns out it was a male colleagues house though nothing sexual happened as she was still bleeding from the MC that was the point she began looking outside our marriage for comfort.


 On one hand she says that “she was messed up” “the night she didn't come home” and spent the night at a male colleagues house. On the other hand she says that she did not mess up because “nothing sexual happened as she was still bleeding from the MC”. Also, she implied that if not for a non-existant medical condition she would have had sex with him; since the medical condition is not medically plausible, she did have sex with him. Additionally there is no denying that she eventsully had sex with him over many months. One more thing about her explanation of that night is that if her being drunk was the reason for not going home, why not call you or Uber to take her home? It makes no sense to go to the other guys house unless that is where she wanted to spend the night.

I find it amazing that even when you are catching a cheater in lie after lie, they demand that you accept their most current lie without question unless you can prove otherwise, and if you can prove otherwise, they will demand that you blindly accept the next version of their lie. Never mind that their version defies logic, as they also demand that you accept that logic does not apply.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

First off, I am so sorry about the loss of your child. 

Second, her excuse is total BS. You need to realize that right this minute. Total, complete, and utter BS. And don't think for one minute that she didn't have sex with the other man when she didn't come home that night. She did. 

I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg, frankly. To deceive you like that for 4 months? if she can lie to you like that right under your nose, what else it is she capable of?


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## clivegreen (May 25, 2018)

Some very mixed replies here. I'll expand on some points. The miscarriage was traumatic for both of us, it was a twin pregnancy and it was an incomplete miscarriage which resulted in a womb infection and other complications. She was definitely still bleeding the night she stayed over at the guys house, I saw the physical evidence in the form of soiled panty liners. I know they didn't have sex. The actual affair with the other guy has ended, she no longer works with him and I hounded him into telling his wife about the relationship. Despite my wife's emotional distance which is improving she has expressed remorse and been apologetic to me and been quite open about how the affair started. It was more of an emotional thing rather than anything physical, she says she didn't even fancy him though they did have protected sex on 2 occasions. We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

So many stories I have heard from betrayed men start with some kind of major or not-so-major life event that flips a switch in the wife's brain. Job loss. Miscarriage. Death. Illness. 

Mind you, this isn't an excuse. The switch was always there waiting to be flipped, and it didn't take much for her to go from grieving woman to adulterous woman. That means she has very few boundaries and your marriage will be a living nightmare from here on out.

Every single solitary word out of your wife's mouth is a lie. That's how you have to approach this. No matter the tears, the rational heart-to-heart conversations...her providing evidence... it's all just a lie. She's an addict. Addicts are liars.

I remember when I first saw evidence of my ex-wife's texting with another man. I asked her about an affair. She denied. It was obvious I wasn't buying it. Then she grabbed me by the face and looked into my eyes. "I swear on our children. Nothing happened. Just the texting. Ok?!" Later we went to our one and only marriage counseling session where she tearfully screamed "I swear I haven't done anything with him! I know you don't believe me at all, but it's the truth!!"

At that point, she had been banging him for 3 months straight and would continue to do so. They did everything imaginable, including group sex. 

Let that sink in for a bit, amigo.

Get the F out.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Get a good VAR (voice activated recorder). Keep it on you at all times your cheater is around you - this will protect you in case your cheater goes rogue and attempts to make DV (or whatever type of) claims
7) Eat.
8) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
9) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
10) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
11) Start to separate funds
12) 180 like your life depended on it.
12a) A thought exercise that might help with the 180 is to realize that your cheating spouce simply didn't love you as much as you love them
12b) A thought exercise that will eventually help in the 180. Any and all questions in regards to their cheating is answered simply as "Because". No more, no less. It's an amazingly simplistic answer that enrages everyone in the beginning, but becomes unbelievably crystal clear once you reach the correct level in your healing and detachment
13) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
14) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
15) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
16) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

clivegreen said:


> Some very mixed replies here. I'll expand on some points. The miscarriage was traumatic for both of us, it was a twin pregnancy and it was an incomplete miscarriage which resulted in a womb infection and other complications. She was definitely still bleeding the night she stayed over at the guys house, I saw the physical evidence in the form of soiled panty liners. I know they didn't have sex. The actual affair with the other guy has ended, she no longer works with him and I hounded him into telling his wife about the relationship. Despite my wife's emotional distance which is improving she has expressed remorse and been apologetic to me and been quite open about how the affair started. It was more of an emotional thing rather than anything physical, she says she didn't even fancy him though they did have protected sex on 2 occasions. We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


When this does not work out, and it won't, I just want you to remember what everyone told you. 

What you will find out is that she is lying about everything. You will find that she will cheat again. 

Eventually, you will find out that you were completely foolish for taking her back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

clivegreen said:


> Some very mixed replies here. I'll expand on some points. The miscarriage was traumatic for both of us, it was a twin pregnancy and it was an incomplete miscarriage which resulted in a womb infection and other complications. She was definitely still bleeding the night she stayed over at the guys house, I saw the physical evidence in the form of soiled panty liners. I know they didn't have sex. The actual affair with the other guy has ended, she no longer works with him and I hounded him into telling his wife about the relationship. Despite my wife's emotional distance which is improving she has expressed remorse and been apologetic to me and been quite open about how the affair started. It was more of an emotional thing rather than anything physical, she says she didn't even fancy him though they did have protected sex on 2 occasions. We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


Well damn.

You’re _already_ three kids into this.

Also, a four-month affair with a co-worker and they had sex only twice? And both times were protected?

That’s a lie.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

#1 rule is if they still work together the affair is still ongoing and will not stop as long as they do. Think of the first days of infatuation you have when falling in love. That’s where they are now and will continue to be. 

#2 The only reason you should even consider keeping her is you have kids together. Kids she also cheated on. 

#3 You have no choice now but tell her to leave since she is doing nothing to get help or show real remorse. If you have told her you can get over it and forgive her, tell her at this point that is off the table, and you believe the affair is still hot and heavy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

clivegreen said:


> Some very mixed replies here. I'll expand on some points. The miscarriage was traumatic for both of us, it was a twin pregnancy and it was an incomplete miscarriage which resulted in a womb infection and other complications. She was definitely still bleeding the night she stayed over at the guys house, I saw the physical evidence in the form of soiled panty liners. I know they didn't have sex. The actual affair with the other guy has ended, she no longer works with him and I hounded him into telling his wife about the relationship. Despite my wife's emotional distance which is improving she has expressed remorse and been apologetic to me and been quite open about how the affair started. It was more of an emotional thing rather than anything physical, she says she didn't even fancy him though they did have protected sex on 2 occasions. We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


When she stayed the night. There was nothing to stop her from going down on him like a happy hooker. I mean what was there to stop her from worshipping his member for hours?

If you are going to believe her lies then be happy in them.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

clivegreen said:


> Some very mixed replies here. I'll expand on some points. The miscarriage was traumatic for both of us, it was a twin pregnancy and it was an incomplete miscarriage which resulted in a womb infection and other complications. She was definitely still bleeding the night she stayed over at the guys house, I saw the physical evidence in the form of soiled panty liners. I know they didn't have sex. The actual affair with the other guy has ended, she no longer works with him and I hounded him into telling his wife about the relationship. Despite my wife's emotional distance which is improving she has expressed remorse and been apologetic to me and been quite open about how the affair started. It was more of an emotional thing rather than anything physical, she says she didn't even fancy him though they did have protected sex on 2 occasions. We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


Can I ask why you waited until after child #3 to marry? Was this last pregnancy planned? How far along was she when she miscarried? Do you have verification that the OM’s wife knows?

I am not in the “just divorce her” camp. I do believe couples can reconcile. But you need to know what you are reconciling from and with. And boy is it hard. 

You seem to want her to admit she was depressed because that would give her an excuse you can stomach. Whatever the catalyst was, the truth is she did it because she wanted to. That is a hard truth for a BS to grasp. Whenever I go down the rabbit hole of “why” I have to remind myself to get back to that basic “because he wanted to”. It is important to have your eyes wide open to that fact if you try to stay together. It is painful to look at in those terms, but it also helps clear the mind of the questions and excuses that cloud. If you can believe that statement and still want to stay, go for it.


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## clivegreen (May 25, 2018)

We waited because we were saving hard for the wedding of our dreams. This last pregnancy was the result of a heated night of passion and most definitely wasn't planned. We were 8to10weeks gestation when the MC occurred. The other man's wife definitely knows about his behaviour and my wife wasn't the first women he got his dirty claws into. I know there is no excuse for what she did but unless she sorts the depression things are going to be hard. I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and this hasn't broken me yet


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

clivegreen said:


> We waited because we were saving hard for the wedding of our dreams. This last pregnancy was the result of a heated night of passion and most definitely wasn't planned. We were 8to10weeks gestation when the MC occurred. The other man's wife definitely knows about his behaviour and my wife wasn't the first women he got his dirty claws into. I know there is no excuse for what she did but unless she sorts the depression things are going to be hard. I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and *this hasn't broken me yet*


It will when you find out the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to get your kids DNA tested and make sure your wife knows why now nothing she ever tells you or has told you in the past can only be believed after independent verification.

You have said anything here that makes it look like she cares one way or the other about staying together. The fact that you will so easily take her backs cuts you down as husband material in her and other women’s eyes. You are basically playing the pick me dance and that has never been seen to work here. YOU CAN NOT MAKE THIS EASY ON HER. She should be begging for you not to leave her.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dadstartingover said:


> So many stories I have heard from betrayed men start with some kind of major or not-so-major life event that flips a switch in the wife's brain. Job loss. Miscarriage. Death. Illness.
> 
> Mind you, this isn't an excuse. The switch was always there waiting to be flipped, and it didn't take much for her to go from grieving woman to adulterous woman. That means she has very few boundaries and your marriage will be a living nightmare from here on out.
> 
> ...


My ex-wife put her hand on the Bible her dad gave her and swore to God that she was just getting coffee with a friend and how dare you make me swear like this.

She was banging the guy within the hour (admitted to years later).

Cheaters lie at every level. The more effort you put into getting them to admit it, the more spit they put in the polish to deceive.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Dear clivegreen,

Unfortunately, you have chosen to rug sweep the affair. Your wife has severe depression and commitment issues which must be resolved if you want a healthy marriage. Maintaining the marriage for the sake of the children without resolutions will only delay the inevitable. You both need IC first and migrate to MC if you want to survive the infidelity.

Best,
Dreamer


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

clivegreen said:


> I can with time forgive her infidelity. I'm trying to be a better husband but the sticking point is her refusal to accept that she is depressed and seek medical help or councelling, she just won't acknowledge her feelings. I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


You were a good husband before. What is being a better husband going to do for you?

She all but told you she made a mistake marrying you. 

She does love you, but not enough to be a loyal wife to you. She likes men too much. She likes having sex with other men too much. 

Divorce her. I see you already have kids with her. Well, get a mean lawyer to get you as much visitation as you can because you are about to get a hosing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

clivegreen said:


> We waited because we were saving hard for the wedding of our dreams. This last pregnancy was the result of a heated night of passion and most definitely wasn't planned. We were 8to10weeks gestation when the MC occurred. The other man's wife definitely knows about his behaviour and my wife wasn't the first women he got his dirty claws into. I know there is no excuse for what she did but unless she sorts the depression things are going to be hard. I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and this hasn't broken me yet


She won't stop cheating. Why should she? She has the backing of the British court system which is infamously biased against fathers. She will make out like a bandit (yuk yuk) whether you divorce her or not.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

clivegreen said:


> We waited because we were saving hard for the wedding of our dreams. This last pregnancy was the result of a heated night of passion and most definitely wasn't planned. We were 8to10weeks gestation when the MC occurred. The other man's wife definitely knows about his behaviour and my wife wasn't the first women he got his dirty claws into. I know there is no excuse for what she did but unless she sorts the depression things are going to be hard. I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and this hasn't broken me yet


You are taking ALL the weight of fixing your marriage. That will never work. Your wife has destroyed what you thought was your marriage. 
She admitted that she was looking for an emotional connection. That says that she does not feel emotionally connected to you.

You will eventually crumble under the weight of this "marriage".


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

clivegreen said:


> We waited because we were saving hard for the wedding of our dreams. This last pregnancy was the result of a heated night of passion and most definitely wasn't planned. We were 8to10weeks gestation when the MC occurred. The other man's wife definitely knows about his behaviour and my wife wasn't the first women he got his dirty claws into. I know there is no excuse for what she did but unless she sorts the depression things are going to be hard. I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and this hasn't broken me yet


Only yourself respect has given away. 

How will you face your kids when they find out the truth? We always do, you see my mom cheated on my dad when I was young. My dad did divorce my mom and I have all the respect in the world for him doing so. You can lose the love and respect of your kids just because you stayed.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm always a bit amused how posts start off with



clivegreen said:


> I'm torn between staying and supporting her despite her emotional distance or leaving.


Which suggests he's genuinely torn and doesn't know what to do but a few posts in changes to



> We recently went away together for a romantic break and are slowly reconnecting as a couple. We have 3 children together and both want to fix things for us and for them. Who truly knows what the future holds but I have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out the other side stronger and wiser


to



> I have to stick by her for our kids sake and hers, I'm made of pretty strong stuff and this hasn't broken me yet


Which will have people screaming, "are you crazy?" "run dude" basically people trying to convince him to cut and run.

The man has made his choice.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No sir, you want your marriage, then give her consequences. There are therapists for her depression but that is no excuse. Take the kids, and kick her out. That tends to wake them up post haste. You file divorce and in the filing you state that her ongoing mental issues, coupled with her poor decisions make her an undesirable custodial parent. That will shake her out of this. Inform her that it is up to her to repair this abortion of a marriage. Take her world away. It is tried and true.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So......... your wife spending the night at another guy's house without your knowledge or consent and leaving you alone at home with 3 kids to deal with is acceptable?

Believe me that just because she was leaking a little blood does not mean she did not have sex with that dude. Even if intercourse was not an option, what else did she do with him? Have you asked? Have you contacted him to verify the story? Is she still working with him?

You are rug sweeping and excusing her behavior because you refuse to face the truth. Your fear is guiding you down the path to a life you will not like. You can never really trust her again. You claim she is depressed but she refuses that diagnosis and refuses treatment. You will forever be looking over your shoulder for the next "emotional attraction" she falls into.

Unfortunately, tragic actions that we do no learn from are doomed to be repeated. That goes for you both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@clivegreen

I changed your username so it's not your email address. If the user name you have now is your real name, you should change that too. So let me know if you want a different user name. I can make that change for you.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Her being depressed is not your problem. Not at all. Leave her - it's NEVER going to get better. She is responsible for her happiness - not you. She's not a child, you owe her nothing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Abject Gaslighting, Trickle-Truthing, and Outright Deception!

Why on earth would you want to be a party to all of that?*


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