# "I just need some time".. for how long?



## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

I am newly separated (3 weeks, but total including in-home separation about a year and half)

He's going to individual counseling to "find out what he wants". Isn't interested in marriage counseling because he needs to "work on himself". 

Since the separation, our conversations (we didn't have much before) has gone down tremendously. He picks up and drops off our daughter (we have one child who is 16 months old). All that is discussed is what he needs to know about our daughter. Other than that, no general conversation.

We have been married for 12 1/2 years. I know about the 180 thing and I've been doing that since before I knew it existed.

These are my questions:
1. How much time is a reasonable amount of time to work on himself and "find himself" so that I don't "pressure him"?

2. How do you know when in their heart they've already made a decision?

I want to note that there has not been any infidelity on either side. I appreciate your feedback. Also, if there are any of you who have ended up having a successful relationship after a separation. Thanks!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

"I need time and space" or "I need to work on myself" are just catch phrases to cover for a low self-esteem and often depression in the relationship. Right now he sees you as causing his problems, because that way he doesn't need to take responsibility for his emotions, and so he pushes you away to fix himself.

There's not really anything you can do to change his mind, but what has work wonders for others is to agree, pull away, and act happy. The better off you are the more he'll want to be around you. 

Around 2-3 months on average of NO CONTACT.


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> "I need time and space" or "I need to work on myself" are just catch phrases to cover for a low self-esteem and often depression in the relationship. Right now he sees you as causing his problems, because that way he doesn't need to take responsibility for his emotions, and so he pushes you away to fix himself.
> 
> There's not really anything you can do to change his mind, but what has work wonders for others is to agree, pull away, and act happy. The better off you are the more he'll want to be around you.
> 
> Around 2-3 months on average of NO CONTACT.


So the average is 2-3 months of no contact, then what is it with contact? I still have to see him we are in mutual ministries at church and we have our daughter.
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## kyotoinbloom (Nov 9, 2012)

This is almost exactly what I'm going through. My wife and I have only been married a year, and we had a rough couple of months for reasons outside of our control. We're both young, (I'm 24, she's 20) so it was very hard for us to deal with. My wife suddenly dropped the "I want a divorce" bomb 3 weeks ago after a big argument, and we've since separated. It's been the worst 3 weeks of my life. 

I know exactly what I did to cause our problems, and I've admitted my faults and promised to work on myself to save our marriage. Unfortunately, she refuses to see her part in our problems, and just blames everything on me. She says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants and to work on herself... sound familiar? It's so frustrating and depressing to feel completely out of control. Nothing I do seems to help, and now I'm just a few days away from leaving for Army BCT and I have this gut-wrenching feeling that I'll never see her again..


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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

kyotoinbloom said:


> This is almost exactly what I'm going through. My wife and I have only been married a year, and we had a rough couple of months for reasons outside of our control. We're both young, (I'm 24, she's 20) so it was very hard for us to deal with. My wife suddenly dropped the "I want a divorce" bomb 3 weeks ago after a big argument, and we've since separated. It's been the worst 3 weeks of my life.
> 
> I know exactly what I did to cause our problems, and I've admitted my faults and promised to work on myself to save our marriage. Unfortunately, she refuses to see her part in our problems, and just blames everything on me. She says she needs time and space to figure out what she wants and to work on herself... sound familiar? It's so frustrating and depressing to feel completely out of control. Nothing I do seems to help, and now I'm just a few days away from leaving for Army BCT and I have this gut-wrenching feeling that I'll never see her again..


I'm so sorry that you have to go through this as well. Especially as a man serving our country. I do want to thank you for your service. I know that no matter what, God has given us hope and a future. This decision didn't side swipe God. People have a choice. This is when that whole "free will" thing is hard to deal with :/ but no matter what, God is always faithful even when man isn't.
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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

God, I was in a military marriage too. I served in the Navy on subs and it was stressful enough without marriage problems to make a bad situation worse. Luckily I got out and then went through divorce hell and deprogramming. That's the price you pay to give others freedom though.

If you're still seeing each other for church and custody then look around here for Limited Contact advice from other parents. I don't have a child so I can't advise you on that. But I do know from experience you need to stear clear of him as much as possible for a while so you can gather the strength needed to not freak out whenever you see him again. I can't lie it's hard no matter how well you think you can handle him, but it does get better with lots and lots of practice. I recommend you exercise as hard as you can and cry as much as you can before each visit. Get everything out of yourself early on and ice your eyes down. Then later on you can practice keeping your calm with a friend in different communication roleplay activities.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> "I need time and space" or "I need to work on myself" are just catch phrases to cover for a low self-esteem and often depression in the relationship. Right now he sees you as causing his problems, because that way he doesn't need to take responsibility for his emotions, and so he pushes you away to fix himself.
> 
> There's not really anything you can do to change his mind, but what has work wonders for others is to agree, pull away, and act happy. The better off you are the more he'll want to be around you.
> 
> Around 2-3 months on average of NO CONTACT.


My therapist said 8-12 months, just fyi.
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## separated2000 (Nov 10, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> My therapist said 8-12 months, just fyi.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you
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