# hate who i've become...



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Hell. Its been two years and in many ways I hate who I've become. I didn't 'forgive' but I haven't left him either. I learned really painful stuff - not just about his most recent, (meaning the person I wish would fall off a ship in shark infested waters when she has her period - did I say that?) but also about prior - really really painful and unbelievable. 

Now, I'm sometimes fine... sometimes an insecure mess. I'm feeling like I have to look beautiful all the time, like I have to be happy all the time. And sometimes I am happy - then I get scared that I'm letting my defenses down. Then its not only the fear of going through this again - but also the triggers from the past. Still can't believe he did this... to me... to him... to us. 

And I never never never thought I'd be the kind of person to 'stay.' I'm feeling like such an a-hole right now. I'm just having an insecure lonely night. Anxiety keeps me awake. He makes even one sarcastic comment toward me (one like he used to always make before our 'rebuild') and I flip. 

I'm just dumping here because I need to tonight. In fact I just have to say that tonight... I hate him. I hate what he's done to me.... and what he's done with others. He has absolutely crushed my soul and made me something I never wanted to be. 

Its just tonight. Tomorrow I'll be 'better.' I'll forget this and just move on. The last thing I want is to become dependent on some kind of depression meds, but I'll tell you - even at 2 years out - I'm just flat out sad sometimes. 

If Mr. Perfect walked into my life right now... but then again, I probably wouldn't be able to trust even a Mr. Perfect - perhaps especially a Mr. Perfect. Had him the first time... surprise... not so perfect.

People say that life is short. I'm just not sure which way to take this right now... Continue through the emotional roller coaster I can't seem to get off of and just make the best of it? Or in fact get off of it all together, risk being alone or being hurt again by yet another?

Oh hell. When its good its good. He is still a liar. He still hasn't told me everything. Never will. He still looks at OW - he's so in need of 'getting' the look - that he's always looking for it. 

Sorry. This is probably a big downer for anyone just starting the repair process. And, yes, he's traveling again. When he travels I crumble. Can't stand it. 
Oh well. Perhaps at least some sleeping help while he's traveling should be investigated - for my sake - and for the sake of my kids. Such is life.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You've been subjected to a great betrayal and hurt. Anyone with a heart would feel pain and insecurity. Try to push emotions back a second and look at it logically. Whatever he has done or whomever else was involved, you are the one he preferred. Whether she falls into shark infested waters or not, you won the prize (such as he is). 
Dumping a marriage is a lot easier than sticking one out through tough times. There is no Mr. Perfect. Your guy screwed up big time and he apparently regrets doing so or he wouldn't be trying to make things work. You can't erase the past and neither can he. 
This other woman stole your peace long enough. Don't let her win by letting her steal more of it. Chances are, she is living her own life, not giving you or your husband a second thought. She's peacefully asleep while you are awake and upset. Her actions with your H were not a statement about you, your appearance, or your happiness. Their actions reflected weaknesses in their characters and that's all. This woman is history and she can't dictate what you do or how you feel tomorrow. Only you have that power. You don't have to be anything other than who you are. Your husband returned to you, not the image of some woman you could be in the future.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you. 
I guess I don't have the confidence to believe that he 'likes me as I am.' Bummer. Stupid. Bummer. 
But thank you. Your POV is helpful on this lonely night.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there stillinshock,
I'm sorry you are feelings so badly so late in the game of recovery...I do the same things you are doing tonight, all of here do from time to time....
I agree with not letting the OW take anymore of your life.....Take your happiness back.....
You have to be Practical YOU now, you know that the PAST is what it is now and you can't fix or change that.....your emotions come from wanting to fix and erase that and you just can't, no of us here with the same experiences can......You have to say to yourself this is a burden for me, and I must make a choice to take away that burden.......your choices would be to remove the burdens(husband) or do nothing and just suffer silently......or choice 3 would be trust him until something goes wrong........this is where you start......if he lives up to his word you will be happy......if he can't commit then you will know........If you chose to trust then you do that knowing that you have made this choice for you and you did this to take away the burden you feel.........
He has chosen to stay with you and to rebuild your lives.....Be the wonderful person you are and believe that you have plenty to offer the world and him.....
Venting here is a good thing, lots of shoulders to lean on....
hang in there


----------



## Ravensno (Sep 3, 2010)

I, too, hate who i've become. I have a husband who got involved with a younger woman. We seperated but have been back together for 15 1/2 years. Our total marriage years is 32. I have been bitter, hateful, angry, hurt, crybaby, depressed, dangerous, etc. etc. now i just don't care if he comes or goes. I don't wish him ill health, harm or death, but, sometimes, I just wished he would leave and never come back. I cannot forgive, forget and all that crap. We are both 52 years old and have been together since we were 16. And he just stabbed me in the heart with a jagged sword in 1995 and it just will not heal. I don't trust him, but, I don't care that i don't. Is this how you feel, too?


----------



## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

I really hate how I feel and act sometimes. ( not always). When I see my husband in conversation with friends- husband and wife-- all of a sudden I notice how he ALWAYS looks at the wife when he is talking. I mean directly in the eyes and tells whatever "story" we are talking about. I never noticed this before. I hate feeling needy and clingy, and am doing my best not too. Do you feel that way? I do not feel like the same confident woman I have always been, I feel naked and exposed like the smallest little breeze will blow my house down. --- My husband is more attentive, sensitive and caring than he has ever been in our 16 year marriage. Some days I just wish he would leave and never come back also , then I feel even worse for thinking that. I mean really --- does anyone actually keep their promises anymore??? Lousy day here.


----------

