# Moral Perspective



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I did something I would like to get the boards opinion on. 

During reconciliation, I had a sense that my spouse was still keeping communication open with the OM in a LD affair but had become much better at hiding it. 

I contacted the OM of my spouse and threatened to share irrefutable evidence of the intimate affair to everyone in his close and extended family including his wife and adult children. Though I would take not joy in hurting any innocents, this was not an idle threat. 

It had the desired affect putting a hard stop on any casual contact they had kept and deeply disturbed him.

I enjoyed hurting him even if only by filling a few days of his life full of regret and anxiety. I found that I needed to confront him and even hurt him and in doing so I gained a greater sense of empowerment over the whole matter. I don't think I would have felt better if I laid hands on him. The only thing I am sorry about is not doing it sooner.

Setting aside that I had to go this far with my spouse to completely end all contact, what do you think of this? Did I cross the line?


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## wonderinggirl (Jan 16, 2014)

I dont think you are wrong. If he is cheating, his wife has a right to know about it. However, if your wife is still in contact with the OM, maybe you should think about how serious she is about you and your marriage.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I don't want to sound harsh but I really don't see this any other way. Why be with someone that is cheating on you. They are not giving you the respect or love you deserve. How do you think this will end. If you are finding she still is in contact with the OM what more do you need. You are here once. Your not going to get a second life. I would not waste another day of my time with her. Even if I did have kids involved. I would get her out of the house and keep my kids. 

If you wife really loved YOU. She would not need the attention of another man. You need to realize this is not going to stop. 

Life is really to short to even waste your time on people like this. There are truly better women out there. 

Clay


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

There is nothing immoral about it. He was doing wrong, and his discomfort was not because of you. If he'd have been doing the right thing his only thought would have been 

"What is this nutter on about?"

So he confirmed his intentions by his behaviour.

It's you or them in this world. 

Far too many men are easy. His fault for being not a brother who warned you, but a thief who lay waiting for you to stumble, in the first place. Men need to get some ethics to go with their egos.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I'd say it is a realistic consequence of his unethical behavior.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Thanks all for your response. 

To be clear, my moral question was about damage that following through would/will have done to his innocent family. He personally can drive himself off a cliff in regret for all I care. 

If he has contact with my spouse, this will unfold in a most harmful way for his family at my hand. Do I have a moral burden to not hurt these people given that doing so is not necessary for my happiness? See my point? Indeed such contact would be the end of marriage anyway. So then how does the relative satisfaction I get from that weigh against the damage and trauma it will cause? 

@SolidSnake. Very nice blog I will be reading it when I have time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I did something I would like to get the boards opinion on.
> 
> During reconciliation, I had a sense that my spouse was still keeping communication open with the OM in a LD affair but had become much better at hiding it.
> 
> ...


You haven't reached the line yet. Expose him and expose your wife to her family as well. Then you've reached the line that you should be at. Until then they can justify everything they've done and everything they will do with nothing to hold them accountable. You're empowerment and threats are paper tigers. Exposure is the real deal.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

To answer your question, I don't think that there is anything wrong with relishing in the fear the OM may have experienced. That fear is hopefully what will keep him from doing it again. 

With that said, like other posters have pointed out.. I wouldn't feel right if I just glossed over the fact that you allowed your wife to not be fully accountable for her actions. You may have scared this man off, but in likelihood you just bought time for the next one, unless your WW figures out how broken she is first (not likely) and starts making changes to herself.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I think you should expose nuclear option style. Tell everyone all at once. Provide evidence if you have it as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Thanks all for your response.
> 
> To be clear, my moral question was about damage that following through would/will have done to his innocent family. He personally can drive himself off a cliff in regret for all I care.
> 
> ...


Thanks! No, you are not morally culpable. If telling the truth about his behavior harms his family its his fault for having taken the actions he took. He initiated the currents chain of events by choosing to do wrong/ have an affair. He and your wife are the one's who set the events in motion. Every effect has its cause. 

That said, it might be better to expose him and your wife just because it is the right thing to do, rather than as a blackmail or manipulation tactic. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Actions speak louder than words. This will be seen as an empty threat later on and will be detrimental. Exposure it's self is an action.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I actually think it's immoral not to expose him to his wife. By withholding this information from his wife you have condemned her to a life controlled by the affair partners. Without the information she will never be able to make a proper and informed decision about her life and that of her family. By withholding this information from her, you have become complicit in the deceit of the affair partners too.

BTW, I also echo what the others have said. Threats, instead of the action of exposure, will be taken as weakness and disregarded in time, for more secretive methods of communication. Keep the OM busy holding on to his own wife and family, instead of yours. Expose!


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> I actually think it's immoral not to expose him to his wife. By withholding this information from his wife you have condemned her to a life controlled by the affair partners. Without the information she will never be able to make a proper and informed decision about her life and that of her family. By withholding this information from her, you have become complicit in the deceit of the affair partners also.


Good point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You should have just exposed him with no warning. Also, have you exposed your wife? If not, expose her too.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

karole said:


> You should have just exposed him with no warning. Also, have you exposed your wife? If not, expose her too.


By expose I assume you mean to our friends and family?

My first instinct is it is no else's business and will make family and social gatherings unbearable for us both. How is that suppose to help?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think you crossed the line at all. 

You are protecting your marriage from him. He intruded upon yours, right?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> By expose I assume you mean to our friends and family?
> 
> My first instinct is it is no else's business and will make family and social gatherings unbearable for us both. How is that suppose to help?


Waywards justify actions but so do the betrayed. The truth is it's embarrassing for both of you to admit this to family and friends. I'm not saying you have a reason to feel that way but you probably feel that way none the less.

You're right that it's none of anyone else's business. The thing is you're not doing it for them. Shoot; they'd probably rather not know either. You expose because you're trying to reconcile and anything less than that will hurt your chances of succeeding in that.

Years back when my ex cheated, I didn't expose much either but I started divorce proceedings and had the evidence in hand if needed in court. I wasn't fighting for reconciliation and I could care less about revenge and I didn't care what her family or her friends thought. Those who I cared about their opinion of me were told but not for revenge or to smear her. More to explain why I was being the mean guy divorcing my poor wife ( she could be very innocent and pitiful acting with those who didn't know that she'd cheated ). The game changes if you're trying to reconcile though. Then you have to expose to people that matter to her and to OM.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I see nothing wrong with selective exposure to those that need to know (OMW) and those who can help you both reach reconciliation (counselors, clergy, family, or friends). You both need the support of these people at this time.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Scrambled, 

What have you done to reach out for help? Have you used clergy or marriage counseling? Have you read any books on infidelity and reconciliation plans, like..."Not Just Friends" or "Surviving Ann Affair"?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Scrambled,
> 
> What have you done to reach out for help? Have you used clergy or marriage counseling? Have you read any books on infidelity and reconciliation plans, like..."Not Just Friends" or "Surviving Ann Affair"?


She refuses MC. We have no clergy. Family would only make the process more difficult. I am sure the affair is over. I don't think she will ever cheat again. However, I need to figure out if I can trust her or if this is just a dead marriage walking. 

She has said all the right things. I felt better about it for a day, but the lies have changed the way I look at our marriage and I have not worked out how that will conclude. If I can' trust her, I just need to end it. I can't get out of my head that it took me three divorce ultimatums and the threat to the OM for her to finally stop talking to him.


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## OptimusPrime (Feb 11, 2014)

Interesting call on just how far to go with something like this for sure. I understand the compulsion to want to make the other guy fear for his safety a little and maybe even pooh his pants a little at the prospect of having his whole family find out about what happened. However, I'd draw the line before bringing anyone's extended family and especially kids into it. What happens between consenting adults shouldn't require the kids, no matter what age, to have to be drug into a scandal. The anger and hatred is a valid response, but in the end the problem is with the spouse. I would feel obligated to have a conversation with his spouse just so she is aware of what is going on so she can deal with her own family situation. 

To me, making a big public splash about it only becomes TMZ fodder for all the onlookers and wouldn't provide much productive energy. Deal with it behind closed doors directly with your spouse and protect yourself and your assets as necessary. Tell a few trusted people where necessary to get the support you need. Going for the big splash and exposing his whole family may provide some satisfaction in having his kids and family lose respect for him............but involving kids an innocent family members might also get you that same reaction from yours........


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Scrambled,

You will never feel the same. Consider the old marriage dead. To continue married, you both will have to do a postmortem on it and then create a new marriage. 

If you are doing this on your own, at least invest in the books I mentioned, to guide you. They are some of the most recommended here. They also have websites you can browse. 

I wish you and your family well.


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