# Why isn't he the one kissing butt?



## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Last Monday (3/4), my husband went to our first marriage counseling session ever. I was about to divorce him out of sheer exasperation over our fruitless efforts on our own to communicate let alone work on our relationship.

Soon after, he started to tell me how I can improve our relationship. Started to scold me for not asking him how his day was, immediately after asking me about my day. 

Then abruptly he started to act nice, accomodating, kind, etc. But...

After I told him I will pick up his shopping list of stuff only if he gives me a foot massage, he asked "Where is the Love?" 

This is weird - his being nice has softened me. I feel like I should toughen up and remind him that I almost left him last week, and now he is pouting when I don't kiss his butt?

He should be kissing mine!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe he was even more motivated to leave the marriage than you.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You wanted him to go to MC to fix him and didn't think that he would then come away with expectations of you? Doesn't MC encourage both people to communicate? And why should he be kissing your butt? It sounds like you're holding a grudge.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I am feeling a grudge, given that the next step is normally his trying to make me feel guilty for not meeting his demands. 

Perhaps I have a grudge against myself for trying to change a man that loves to guilt trip me, or for doing whatever possible to avoid that guilt he promises to deliver if I don't meet his demands.

What if I stopped playing the game? Then I don't need him to kiss my butt.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you both need a lot more counseling.

Marriage is a two way street. Nobody should be kissing anyone's butt. You should both expect and demand mutual respect but it doesn't sound like either of you have any respect for the other.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

We are certainly demanding respect of each other but neither wants to give any ground. 

Yes, more counseling will hopefully aid us in defining what a healthy relationship is. We though we were healthy (enough) until I stopped drinking. Then the clashes began.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

You two are in a classic 'One up' game.

As you are aware marriage involves what you can give to it, not take from it.

Both of you appear to give with expectation of getting.... 

More counseling for sure.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I suppose you are right. I just don't want to be a doormat anymore, and my first reaction is to overcompensate in an attempt to balance the scales.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Healthy marriages aren't about giving up ground, kissing someone's butt, holding grudges or keeping score. You two are in a power struggle because neither of you know anything about boundaries and you're both likely codependent which means you do have something to fear.

If you become more centered and whole then you won't feel the need to keep score.

One of the easiest things to start with on this path is don't do anything with expectations. That tit for tat game never works nor do deals. Do things out of love freely without expecting something in return or don't do them at all.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Healthy marriages aren't about giving up ground, kissing someone's butt, holding grudges or keeping score. You two are in a power struggle because neither of you know anything about boundaries and you're both likely codependent which means you do have something to fear.
> 
> If you become more centered and whole then you won't feel the need to keep score.
> 
> One of the easiest things to start with on this path is don't do anything with expectations. That tit for tat game never works nor do deals. Do things out of love freely without expecting something in return or don't do them at all.


Yes, we are in a power struggle, without boundaries, and great fears of being hurt or "bad." It never was this way, except that my self esteem dropped to where I always went with the flow to make my husband comfortable. 

I am not "in love" with him at the moment, so it is harder to give with love. My love bank has very little in it. However, in just a week of his being nice without constantly criticizing me, a few cents have been added. 

If I choose not to give something to him because I know I expect something in return, how could that play out?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

rainbow12 said:


> If I choose not to give something to him because I know I expect something in return, how could that play out?


Before you do anything take 10 seconds and ask yourself this question. Will I get upset if I get nothing back? If the answer is yes don't do it. If the answer is no then go for it.

How it plays out is you just say no, refuse to give with expectations, just stop and let the chips fall where they may. If your husband isn't comfortable oh well. Whose comfort is more important yours or his?

If your love bank is overdrawn then it's impossible to give from an empty place and you will need to learn to give to yourself. A week ago you almost divorced him so you were going to have to learn this skill anyway might as well start now.

Just say no. Give freely without expectations or don't give at all. Focus on what you want to do vs what you should be doing.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Thank you, Mavash. A particular challenge is that he dictates how I am supposed to give and show love to him. 

So far I've been clear when I will oblige, and when I am not willing to oblige. Otherwise, due to lacking boundaries, the default makes me feel like a puppet on a string.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> Thank you, Mavash. A particular challenge is that he dictates how I am supposed to give and show love to him.


A good boundary for you is he doesn't get to DICTATE anything to you. Ever. Say "I'm not okay with that" and mean it. He can ask nicely and you have the right to say yes or no and you can change your mind too. Radical concept huh?



> So far I've been clear when I will oblige, and when I am not willing to oblige. Otherwise, due to lacking boundaries, the default makes me feel like a puppet on a string.


Only you can cut the strings.

What's the worst that happens? He leaves. LOL Laughing because a week ago you were ready to divorce.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

I'm remembering an image from a self-help book about how we hold bars up to our face, thinking we are in a prison and can't get out. 

All it takes is dropping the iron bars.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I spent years in a cage of my own making. Took lots and lots of therapy to unlock that cage from the INSIDE. LOL

I joke but this was harder than it looks.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

rainbow12 said:


> Last Monday (3/4), my husband went to our first marriage counseling session ever. I was about to divorce him out of sheer exasperation over our fruitless efforts on our own to communicate let alone work on our relationship.
> 
> Soon after, he started to tell me how I can improve our relationship. Started to scold me for not asking him how his day was, immediately after asking me about my day.
> 
> ...


So he blame shifts and makes the reason why the marriage is failing all your fault and he acts 'nice' to manipulate you into getting what he wants at the time. I bet when he doesn't get what he wants, he starts blame shifting again.

As for the shopping list and foot rub situation. How would you feel if your husband (or anyone for that matter) offered to do something for you .. but with a stipulation attached to it afterwards?

No, he shouldn't be kissing your butt and it goes the other way around. You both should be owning your own issues within yourselves and your marriage so you can come together and fix things.

'Butt Kissing' only leads to resentment when the efforts end up feeling reward-less.


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## rainbow12 (Jun 18, 2012)

Writing it all down made it easier to think it through. I let go of the "I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine." I still went shopping, cooked dinner so it was perfectly timed with his walk. Without expectations. 

I asked him if he'd like to help me massage my feet, and he said no because he's in a bad mood because he feels lost. Lost at work, lost at home. Lost overall. Said all will be fine if he could just win the lottery, quit his job, and travel for the rest of his life. 

Ah, well. I'm taking a bath.


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