# How do you leave? Fear of starting over



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi All, I have multiple threads here. I've been living in "limbo" for almost 2 years now. Wondering, should I stay or should I go. I've gotten TONS of great advice here. However, I almost at the point of being done...

Looking for advice on FEAR...how do I leave something that is "okay" for nothing...to be alone...? I want better than okay, but I don't want to cheat, I don't want to have my cake and eat it too, I just want to be happy.

How do I say goodbye to mostly everything I have known the past 5 years? What do I do with all the pictures, cards, fond memories, etc?

I feel like I will always have love for my H, but not the right kind of love. It's weird though, because I still feel like my heart is breaking, even though this is essentially "my choice". Is this normal?

I'm so worried about my H not being okay (I don't want him to be sad, or hate women, etc), because I do love him. Is there anything I can do to help him?

Thank you all for being so supportive.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I don't think it will be easy. Usually change isn't easy, especially when it has to do with someone you love. No one can tell you how to leave. You just leave I suppose. Fear can be very crippling, even paralyzing, and it can keep us stuck in a place we may not need to be. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and take that first step. Might be a baby step, but its a start.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I don't think it will be easy. Usually change isn't easy, especially when it has to do with someone you love. No one can tell you how to leave. You just leave I suppose. Fear can be very crippling, even paralyzing, and it can keep us stuck in a place we may not need to be. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and take that first step. Might be a baby step, but its a start.


Thank you Trey. We're trying everything first, even MC. I just feel like I'm already mourning. In my head it's over, but I can't even begin to move on because I'm still here, in the same spot I've been in...

Fear is HORRIBLE...even though I'm making myself miserable, atleast I know what it is. The unknown is so scary.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

bluebeauty said:


> Thank you Trey. We're trying everything first, even MC. I just feel like I'm already mourning. In my head it's over, but I can't even begin to move on because I'm still here, in the same spot I've been in...
> 
> Fear is HORRIBLE...even though I'm making myself miserable, atleast I know what it is. The unknown is so scary.


Its really good you all are trying everything you can first, IMO thats the way it should be. However, once you have tried everything, I think you will know if its something that is going to work out or not. If not, then you already know what you need to do. Its just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. It wont be easy, and yes the unknown is always scary but if its something you know you need/should do, you can and will when the time comes.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think there are two types of fear. If you are saying, "I fear I may regret this choice, or fear I'm not making the right decision", then you probably aren't where you need to be yet. You'd want to be absolutely sure because there's no guarantee you can come back.

On the other hand, that would eventually flip to, "I know I'm making the right decision. I just am afraid of what comes next." This would mean the only thing holding you back is your fear, which is just a matter of you conquering it.

Your husband will be OK. And, if you truly need to go, the sooner you conquer your fear, the sooner he can go about finding his path too. Right now, he's in as much limbo as you are. You'd be doing him a favor instead of holding him hostage in a fake relationship if your heart is not in it.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

In business there's this thing called "opportunity cost". It's when you have to consider not only what the cost/risk of _doing_ something is, but also what the cost/risk of _not doing _something is. So you compare what you stand to lose to what you realistically stand to gain. That kind of thinking helped me a lot as I was making my decisions.

Another good resource was the book _Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave,_ by Mira Kirschbaum. She uses very practical criteria to help you sort through logic and feelings to see what's salvagable, what's not and what some options might be.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I can really relate to this thread blue ... I'm kind of in the same boat as you but we've been married for 28 years. We have major issues and our marriage seems to be crumbling fast. We've been in MC since April and I've been in IC for a year now ... but I just don't see a good ending coming out of this. 

But ... after so long together I don't know anything else. I've been WITH him longer than I've been without him. I'm pretty sure I need to go ... but how can anyone be 100% sure? I don't want to live the rest of my life with regrets ... but I can't imagine the next 30 years like this either. We're both 50 years old ... can we start over at that age?

I don't have any answers for you blue ... just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling that way. Good luck.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Ditto on the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay... it really helped me sort through things and put things into perspective for me, in a very logical, common sense approach. It's definitely worth the time to read through, IMO.


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Thanks for starting this thread and thank you to those of you that have replied. I think there are many of us in this position right now. 

I too read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Out of that book I think what applies most to blue is the question "If some all powerful being gave you permission to leave would you?" (That's not the exact wording of course). 

If I were given permission to leave I would go...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are done, be done and tell him. Stop going to MC with him. That is cruel. The longer you prolong this while knowing you want out, the worse off for him (and yourself).

How do you leave? Like everyone else does--pack your bags and go and file for separation/divorce.

As for making it easy for him -- eh...he will be heartbroken, especially if he wants the marriage. Most divorces are NOT mutual. So my advice would be to make a quick surgical cut and be done.

DO NOT DO NOT give him false hope of reconciling, don't continue with counselling or string him along. It's the coldest thing you can do to someone yo've already rejected.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

tranquility said:


> I can really relate to this thread blue ... I'm kind of in the same boat as you but we've been married for 28 years. We have major issues and our marriage seems to be crumbling fast. We've been in MC since April and I've been in IC for a year now ... but I just don't see a good ending coming out of this.
> 
> But ... after so long together I don't know anything else. I've been WITH him longer than I've been without him. I'm pretty sure I need to go ... but how can anyone be 100% sure? I don't want to live the rest of my life with regrets ... but I can't imagine the next 30 years like this either. We're both 50 years old ... can we start over at that age?
> 
> I don't have any answers for you blue ... just wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling that way. Good luck.


tranquility - it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I don't think we can ever be 100% sure about anything to be honest. Personally, I think you can start over at 50. The way I see it, you only have 1 life. 50 is young anymore...there's so many things you can do with your life. You said you tried MC/IC. How does your H feel about the marriage? Feel free to PM me. You are not alone.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If you are done, be done and tell him. Stop going to MC with him. That is cruel. The longer you prolong this while knowing you want out, the worse off for him (and yourself).
> 
> How do you leave? Like everyone else does--pack your bags and go and file for separation/divorce.
> 
> ...


JB - thanks for the advice. I believe in my post I said I "think" I'm done. Neither my H or I want to give up until we've tried everything. I don't think it's cruel, or that I'm stringing him along. 

Sometimes people change, grow apart, fall out of love...it happens more than you/I know (just look at the other posts above this). There doesn't always have to be a OM/W. Also, there's a difference between being done and feeling hopeless.

I appreciate the different view point though. Did you go through a separation/divorce? If so, were you the one who left?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, people do fall out of love all the time. No, there isn't always an OW/OM involved. And if you are not done, then give it another whirl. If you are though, don't string him along. 



bluebeauty said:


> Did you go through a separation/divorce?


Yes/yes.



bluebeauty said:


> If so, were you the one who left?


Yes. I left, he filed. We tried to reconcile but it didn't take. We divorced.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, people do fall out of love all the time. No, there isn't always an OW/OM involved. And if you are not done, then give it another whirl. If you are though, don't string him along.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sorry about your Divorce. Are you happier now? I notice you post a lot. Its nice to have someone with experience to talk to!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re your ?s: 

Life is different now. Am I happy that I am divorced? No. Nobody ever gets married thinking they'll divorce someday. 

I am happy that I gave it my best shot. A marriage requires equal part efforts. That was lacking in my marriage. 

We simply weren't meant to be. Or we'd still be.


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