# I need sex!!



## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

So I have been happily married for 15 years....well almost. Many years ago my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had surgery and was treated with chemo. He has been Cancer free ever since. However the combination of age and the surgery, things are not great in the sex department. An average sexual session lasts under 5 minutes and he always ends up satisfied and I never do. So this has been my way of life for 10 years. We have tried may things both medical and otherwise and nothing has worked for us. I just have learned to live with the fact that my husband can not satisfy me in that way. I have tried to tell myself that it's just sex, I don't NEED to be satisfied in that way. I have found ways to please myself when I am desperate and I thought I could live with this because I love my husband and that is the most important thing. We just recently I have met this "whirl wind of energy" I call him. He is funny, kind and amazing but for some reason after all this time he makes me desire sex (possibly because he is sexy as hell). I mean really desire it. He has NO IDEA how I feel or that there is even a thought in my head. Now I am constantly thinking about sex and him. Everywhere...all the time. When I am not thinking about it, I am either crying or sad. I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks I'm an emotional mess but doesn't know why. I get even more upset when he tries to please me but fails. My fear that the other person will suspect something or even worse yet discover my feelings and try to act on them. I am so desperate I'm afraid I won't have the will power to do the right thing. what should I do, I am so confused. :crying:


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tallia said:


> just recently I have meet this "whirl wind of energy" I call him. He is funny, kind and amazing but for some reason after all this time he makes me desire sex. I mean really desire it. He has NO IDEA how I feel or that there is even a thought in my head. Now I am constantly thinking about sex. Everywhere...all the time. When I am not thinking about it, I am either crying or sad. I have no idea what to do. My husband thinks I'm an emotional mess but doesn't know why. I get even more upset when he tries to please me but fails. My fear it that the other person will suspect something or even worse yet discover my feelings and try to act on them. I am so desperate I'm afraid I won't have the will power to do the right thing. what should I do, I am so confused. :crying:


You are having fantasies of a real man, but it's an illusion you have created. You don't know if he is even a good lover, or would care to engage in sex with you. It's not really real even if it feels like it. Calm down, you are over reacting because you have been unsatisfied for way too long. 

It's time to decide what you want now that these fantasies have woken up your libido. Be honest with your husband about the threat these fantasies are causing to your relationship with him. 

You have not done anything crazy right? You are still at the fantasy stage with this crush?

Get to a counselor yesterday!


Let us know more about this so called whirlwind of energy guy. Where do you see him? Do you talk often? Is he single and actively seeking a partner?

Bibi


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm very sorry for your husband's medical problems - BUT they are not an excuse for him being a poor lover. He still has a working tongue, fingers, and there are a wide variety of sex toys available. Extended intercourse may not be possible but there are a LOT of other things he can do to please you in bed. 

Does he not know what to do, or does he not care?

Needless to say, beware of the "grass is greener" problem - everyone you don't know is a fantastic lover - util you are actually intimate with them.


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## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

You are right I very likely am over reacting because I have be without real sex for so long. As for the whirlwind, I see and talk to him everyday. Our companies just merged and we run a department together. He is single, a couple years older and texts me 4 or 5 times a day. Sometime work stuff, sometimes jokes or just to say "hey I had a great day. love working with you". I have not asked about partners, not sure I want to bring up the topic.

Please don't get me wrong about my husband, I know he feels bad about his inability and gets as frustrated as I do. But it doesn't solve the problem for me. It would be very hard on him if he knew I feel this way. That is one of my fears, I don't want him to feel worse. He didn't ask for this.


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## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I'm very sorry for your husband's medical problems - BUT they are not an excuse for him being a poor lover. He still has a working tongue, fingers, and there are a wide variety of sex toys available. Extended intercourse may not be possible but there are a LOT of other things he can do to please you in bed.
> 
> Does he not know what to do, or does he not care?
> ...


Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to sleep
with this guy. I love my husband, our family and our life together. I don't want to risk that for anything. My problem is now that my libido is in over drive, what do I do? We have toys we have tried and do other things as well. But sometimes a girl just wants some good old carnal sex... and lots of it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It is a sad fact of life that a fair number of men develop physical problems that make it impossible for them to have intercourse, or to have it for long.

You might want to think what it is about intercourse that matters to you - as opposed to all sorts of other sexual activities. Is there anything else you can do with your husband that would make you feel the same way? 

I believe that in marriage each should do their best to please their partners - but if he is already doing that, there isn't any more that can be asked. 






Tallia said:


> Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to sleep
> with this guy. I love my husband, our family and our life together. I don't want to risk that for anything. My problem is now that my libido is in over drive, what do I do? We have toys we have tried and do other things as well. But sometimes a girl just wants some good old carnal sex... and lots of it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tallia said:


> Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to sleep
> with this guy. I love my husband, our family and our life together. I don't want to risk that for anything. My problem is now that my libido is in over drive, what do I do? We have toys we have tried and do other things as well. But sometimes a girl just wants some good old carnal sex... and lots of it.


You are having an emotional affair with this coworker! It's not a fantasy anymore. Your marriage is in deep trouble. You are craving this man; that is going to grow stronger. You have to nip it in the bud. 

You need counseling. Read "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. Look up emotional affairs, you are smack in the middle of one. 

Decide now! What do you want, your marriage and family or this new relationship? Your call. You are at a crossroad, which way do you want to go?

Seriously think about a different job if you can't transfer within the company. You will have to sever all ties with your emotional affair if you want to save your marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Tallia said:


> Please don't get me wrong about my husband, I know he feels bad about his inability and gets as frustrated as I do. But it doesn't solve the problem for me. It would be very hard on him if he knew I feel this way. That is one of my fears, I don't want him to feel worse. He didn't ask for this.


Inability? To do what? Last longer than 5 minutes?

That's not inability, that's severe lack of technique, knowledge, and possibly caring for your needs.

The majority of men can't last longer than a few minutes while having intercourse, and that's certainly not long enough for most women. Sex is so much more than just sticking it in and hammering away.

If he doesn't understand this, then there's your problem. If YOU aren't communicating this to him, then there's your problem as well.

If sex is routinely 5 minutes long wherein he's satisfied, and you're not, then you should be talking to him about that.

Bad sex isn't solely the product of one person's ineptitude. The person who is the recipient of bad sex has a say, and the voice to communicate their concerns and to hopefully get through to the other and turn things around.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

4-5 texts a day from a co-worker, 'hi, I love working with you' you are already on the path to full blown affair! He is fishing and you are biting it seems, he probably already knows how you feel, you have not hid if that well. You are on dangerous ground. Go to counselling and get sex therapy for you and your H. Nip this in the bud now!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I don't understand that five minutes either. Is PIV all you are doing? There are so many ways to get woman aroused and orgasm, and PIV is just part of that deal.

Can you explain more about it? Does he know that you are not satisfied but does not care? Or you are pretending that you are happy and he thinks is all good? 

You need to have really serious talk about it. If you really love your husband and want to fix it, stay away from the sexy co-worker, because you are playing with fire here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Bibi1031 said:


> You are having fantasies of a real man, but it's an illusion you have created.


I agree with that. Now I am going to take your illusion off the rails.

You should try this exercise. Here is a photo of a manly man. Look at him and imagine in your mind what he is like as a person:










Now once you think you have an idea what he is like after judging him purely on looks alone (like judging a book by its cover).

Then watch Howard Stern give him an interview https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pveigoFxd48

Now I am not saying the guy you know is a similar case, but this is just an example of how the mind's illusion of someone can be very different than the person actually is on real life.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

WandaJ said:


> I don't understand that five minutes either. Is PIV all you are doing? There are so many ways to get woman aroused and orgasm, and PIV is just part of that deal.
> 
> Can you explain more about it? Does he know that you are not satisfied but does not care? Or you are pretending that you are happy and he thinks is all good?
> 
> You need to have really serious talk about it. If you really love your husband and want to fix it, stay away from the sexy co-worker, because you are playing with fire here.


OK I will share some more detail with you. 5 minutes is never going to happen.
So lets do this as a numbers thing. Usually we will try various methods to please me before we even attempt penetration. So either toys, oral sex or with his fingers. (or a combination of these) About 50% of the time this is enough to cause him to ejaculate and he's done. He will then attempt to finish what we started (sometimes possible sometimes not) 
25% of the time he will pleasure me with these methods (truth, not as often as he thinks *see below*) and then we will move on to intercourse. But he will usually ejaculate on initial penetration. And then its over.
The remaining time he will actual penetrate and get maybe 5 strokes TOPS and that is it. The number of time I have orgasmed with penetration form him in the last 10 years is maybe 3 - 5 times total.

So the note from above. And maybe this is where all the issues stem from, I don't know. Sometime toys and other creative ways just don't seem as personal or loving to me. I want to "Feel". I can remember prior to all of this and the sweaty bodies rolling around in the bed for what seemed like forever. Enjoying the contact, feeling the love between 2 people. Nothing beats that and I miss it. Am I just living in a fantasy land.... maybe. Is this just a fact of life and it has nothing to do with his situation, I don't know. Maybe I am asking for too much. OR and this is the one that scares me, am I just attracted to this other guy and just don't want to admit that I am a bad person for feeling like this and using his deficiency as an excuse...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need to a) immediately and permanently cut this other guy out of your life and b) have a very honest conversation w/ your husband regarding your lack of sexual fulfillment.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First of all, we will have different levels of attraction to various people. It is biological. Being in a relationship does not mean not being attracted to others. I still would like to have sex with other females and sometimes I do since my relationship is open, but am emotionally committed.

This sexy guy triggers your lust and attraction drive to a high degree, more so probably due to lackluster sex. After sex, there are hormones released that makes one satiated for sex.

Second, he should seek a sex therapist to help him with his issues. Protecting him from the truth has only caused you both dissatisfaction and ignorance on his own part. How well he takes the truth will be telling more so on the type of person that he is than you. Whether he takes this information and grow will be his own, and if he creates a shell, then he lacks the ability to handle his own shortcomings. You can encourage him that you both can work together to make your sex lives better than it has been before.

And, the other guy will only add complications to a strenuous situation. Your life will not be easier and well it could be destructive if your impulse is not controlled.

Years of bad sex and this new high level of stimuli will make your sex life seem worse because of your reaction to the other sexy guy.

Kind of like eating bland food for so long you get used to it then eating gourmet and it seems better than it actually is.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Was he not always this fast? I guess it's a bit confusing that he had cancer and now he Os much faster than before? Or is it because now he's fast AND one and done?

If he can't last, have you two tried numbing creams? If he can go twice, can you start with a BJ or hand job and THEN he can move onto your foreplay where he becomes aroused again and finish with a little more extended PIV for his second O? What about a strap on? If he would be open to that, perhaps you can have extended intercourse with the closeness you desire. 

Minimize contact with this coworker and don't reply to any of his texts. Perhaps block them unless it's absolutely necessary for work. 

Approach your husband about seeing a sex therapist together. I'm sure there are ways to prolong his erection since he IS getting one.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tallia said:


> OK
> Sometime toys and other creative ways just don't seem as personal or loving to me. I want to "Feel". *I can remember prior to all of this and the sweaty bodies rolling around in the bed for what seemed like forever. Enjoying the contact, feeling the love between 2 people. Nothing beats that and I miss it.* Am I just living in a fantasy land.... maybe. Is this just a fact of life and it has nothing to do with his situation, I don't know. Maybe I am asking for too much. OR and this is the one that scares me, am I just attracted to this other guy and just don't want to admit that I am a bad person for feeling like this and using his deficiency as an excuse...


You have those memories for a reason, to RELIVE what you don't have. Your brain is a powerful tool that can either help you or destroy you. YOUR choice!

Don't use that as an excuse to step outside your marriage to find that because you may never get the fix of that high again. That is where the danger lies. You need therapy yesterday!

*don't want to admit that I am a bad person for feeling like this and using his deficiency as an excuse...*

YOU can stop being the bad person that is only in your head. Stop blaming him for the issue that OM woke up(that is called rewriting history, you are beginning to do this even if you are not aware of it). If you don't sit him down and explain YOU ARE a bad partner for using his deficiency as an excuse. You need to be honest with him. You are not sexually fullfilled. YOU need sex therapy too. 

You are not a bad person at all. You are HUMAN. You are or have been for a while unhappy in your marriage. You tried to stay the course until you became vulnerable and fell prey to the fantasies this OM woke up in YOU. 

YOU have the power to find what you really want. Seek professional help and stay away from the other man until you have your emotions, head, libido etc. straight. 

I wish you clarity because you are starting to envelope the affair fog...scary place to be in.

Bibi


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Tallia said:


> Usually we will try various methods to please me before we even attempt penetration. So either toys, oral sex or with his fingers. (or a combination of these) About 50% of the time this is enough to cause him to ejaculate and he's done.


On a positive note you should compliment your ability to make your husband ejaculate so fast. Another positive note is that your husband is very sexually attracted to you, so you actually have SOMETHING to work with. So, I'll give you the best advice I have to offer:

*#1 EDUCATE YOURSELF*
When a man ejaculates, there is a strong release of hormones that will definitely give him the "I'm DONE!" feeling which may be strong enough to make you and all women appear unappetizing until his body can recover, otherwise known as the "male refractory period." The fact that he DOES try to finish what he started with you AFTER he ejaculates and once he enters his refractory period DOES MEAN HE CARES ABOUT YOU!

*#2 WHAT CAN YOU DO*
Sex starts outside the bedroom. It may be possible for you to ask him to be a little playful and tease you throughout the day via texts, or for you to enjoy reading an erotic novel. Schedule sex so that you can go ahead and get yourself warmed up so that you are basically ready to pop as soon as the intimacy begins. This will possibly take some performance anxiety off of him and bring the two of you closer by allowing you to orgasm together and enjoy the post orgasmic bliss as opposed to him worried that you have not cum yet and the respective frustration that follows.

*#3 WHAT CAN HE DO*
The first thing you should have him try is for him to gently masturbate ahead of time so that he will not have yet fully recovered from his refractory period, but enough so that he can feel aroused again. The effect will be that stimulation to his penis will not be as intense and more effort will be required to trigger his orgasm. Some experimentation may be required to understand the timing and how and when his body starts responding the way you want it to.

He can also experiment with using condoms, as many brands reduce sensitivity and help improve stamina. Some even have numbing medications built into the interior lubrication to help address men with PE or men that want to last longer. 

*#4 WHAT CAN YOU DO AS A COUPLE*
Make sure he is not ashamed of his issue. If he is he could be getting an adrenaline rush during attempts at intimacy that will exacerbate his PE problems. So discuss this issue thoroughly with him and make it a point to tell him what is important for you is to know that he is at least "trying" to work on improving the situation for the two of you. 

*#5 LAST BUT NOT LEAST *
Some dietary changes can also assist. Some foods with a high soy content are known to counteract testosterone levels in men. This one is tricky as it stands to improve his stamina, but it may do so at the expense of lowering his sexual drive. So only introduce soy milk into his diet "moderately" to see if it helps and do NOT do this indefinitely.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

@Tallia
So, how are you feeling today?

Any idea as to what you are going to do to solve your predicament?

You are not alone in this journey, I'm glad you posted your serious issues here. Lots of folks can help you make more informed choices that will cause you less grief.

Bibi


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## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

Hi, Thanks for asking.
So here is an update.
I send the whirlwind on a business trip for a week (I know it's not much time but I needed to try to concentrate) I sat my husband down last night and tried to open up the line of communication on the subject.
He knows there is a problem and is concerned about my lack of satisfaction. He is not yet willing to seek intervention from an outside source and is in the "there is nothing I can do about it" mode. I suspect that he will come around at some point. He is willing to explore new and different techniques to see it we can come up with a way that we are both please with. So it's a start and as badsanta said. He loves me a great deal and wants to make this work which is good.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tallia said:


> Hi, Thanks for asking.
> So here is an update.
> I send the whirlwind on a business trip for a week (I know it's not much time but I needed to try to concentrate) I sat my husband down last night and tried to open up the line of communication on the subject.
> He knows there is a problem and is concerned about my lack of satisfaction. He is not yet willing to seek intervention from an outside source and is in the "there is nothing I can do about it" mode. I suspect that he will come around at some point. He is willing to explore new and different techniques to see it we can come up with a way that we are both please with. So it's a start and as badsanta said. He loves me a great deal and wants to make this work which is good.


Please do not let him go back to old habits. He really needs to understand that YOU are at a crossroad because it is now time to SATISFY you. Just like you were there for him when his illness struck, this is just as serious a matter. Drill that in. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee or his beloved wife will bolt.

You need professional help; how are you doing with that? 

A week away from EA is not bad. You are seriously trying if your fantasies were so strong. Don't sell yourself short. 

Thank you for the update. 

Wishing you more light and clarity on this your journey of rediscovery,

Bibi


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Tallia said:


> Hi, Thanks for asking.
> So here is an update.
> I send the whirlwind on a business trip for a week (I know it's not much time but I needed to try to concentrate) I sat my husband down last night and tried to open up the line of communication on the subject.
> He knows there is a problem and is concerned about my lack of satisfaction. He is not yet willing to seek intervention from an outside source and is in the "there is nothing I can do about it" mode. I suspect that he will come around at some point. He is willing to explore new and different techniques to see it we can come up with a way that we are both please with. So it's a start and as badsanta said. He loves me a great deal and wants to make this work which is good.


There was stage in my life midway through our 24 year marriage that I was pretty damn quick. I would try numbing creams, even jack off before sex and it did not help.

My current concoction of citalopram, testosterone cream and Viagra allow me to stay rock hard for literally as long as I want to and I am 53 years old and had a near fatal heart attack.
Pharma CAN be your friend. Think about it.

BTW: my orgasms are better than EVER.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't understand why the heaving rolling sweaty bodies isn't an option now? Just because his penis no longer acts the way it used to doesn't mean this can't happen.

MEN need to stop being penis centric about sex!!!! Actual intercourse can and should be only 25% of sex. He can use insertables on you. He can use vibrators on you. He can flip your body into all sorts of positions and use his hands, his tongue, toys... It can go all night long too. It can end with actual intercourse or it can begin with actual intercourse. It's totally up to what you both like best.

We all need to recognize sex is a lot more than penis inside vagina. Sex is a lot more than an erection and a lot more than a warm opening.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Whatever you decide know one thing. This other guy is ONLY interested in you because he wants to have sex with you. Trust me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What are his T levels. When mine were low and sex sparse, I would get so excited I could not last maybe 5-10 min.

Started taking T injections and time went to an hour or more. Sometimes I can not get there and finally stop from exhaustion and say maybe tomorrow baby.

Tell him to take D3 and l-arginine to help. Get his T level checked. My Dr. Said they prefer it to be between 1000-1100 for best results. My last lab I was down to 859 the day before my shot.

Does he get tired, work out and can't build muscle. Weight gain?


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## Tino28 (Sep 25, 2015)

Your feelings are real no one here is walking a mile in ur shoes, I know for me with my wife intercourse is the last piece of the puzzle, I need that passion and Foreplay feeling each other ..dam getting turned on..


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

@Tallia

So the week without Mr. Whirlwind is over; How are you doing with that situation? How are things at home? 

Emotions still all over the place? IC? Sex therapy? Introspection? 

Que onda chica! (What's up chick!):smile2

Bibi


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## Tallia (Oct 8, 2015)

Well it has certainly been an interesting week. I discover everyday how much I really do love my husband. And together we are trying to make things better. He isn't however interested in therapy, but we will see. I am persistent. Whirlwind is back from his trip and driving me crazy, in many ways. The texting has stopped except for business things, the occasional good night after I leave but that's it. I am strong and can get through this. I do find myself sad some days, and feeling guilty about the feelings I had. Nothing has happened don't worry. And I believe my love for my husband will prevail. But every once in awhile, there is a flicker of something when WW comes into my office.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Tallia said:


> *Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to sleep
> with this guy*...


yes you do or you wouldn't have started a profile on TAM and a thread about how to deal with your feelings about being sexually aroused by this OM you are now spending so much time with.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Tallia said:


> Well it has certainly been an interesting week. I discover everyday how much I really do love my husband. And together we are trying to make things better. He isn't however interested in therapy, but we will see. I am persistent.
> 
> *That's so good to hear.*
> 
> ...


*This is normal, it too shall pass. Just keep getting stronger and keep bonding with hubby.*

I must admit I was not as strong as you are. I knew I was in trouble With a 23 year old mentee our then principal paired me with. Thank goodness I realized this before spring break and requested a transfer for the following school year. 

When temptation hits and you are in crisis or feeling vulnerable, hold on to those values cuz that's what gonna save you from a whole lot of grief and damage to yourself and your family. 

Keep getting stronger Tallia, you will conquer this,

Bibi


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Lon said:


> yes you do or you wouldn't have started a profile on TAM and a thread about how to deal with your feelings about being sexually aroused by this OM you are now spending so much time with.


My guess is the OP is really into the work guy and is using lack of sex as an excuse to be engaged in this emotional affair. I know I've been there and used the same excuse. Time to cut work guy off. It's the only way.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't understand why the heaving rolling sweaty bodies isn't an option now? Just because his penis no longer acts the way it used to doesn't mean this can't happen.
> 
> MEN need to stop being penis centric about sex!!!! Actual intercourse can and should be only 25% of sex. He can use insertables on you. He can use vibrators on you. He can flip your body into all sorts of positions and use his hands, his tongue, toys... It can go all night long too. It can end with actual intercourse or it can begin with actual intercourse. It's totally up to what you both like best.
> 
> We all need to recognize sex is a lot more than penis inside vagina. Sex is a lot more than an erection and a lot more than a warm opening.


AP I see that you have read my book :smile2::smile2::smile2:

OP AP is exactly correct 

If he has not always been like this Seems like he just got lazy as a lover and has given up ?

Sex therapy may be in order

Just a thought

55


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tallia said:


> Well it has certainly been an interesting week. I discover everyday how much I really do love my husband. And together we are trying to make things better. He isn't however interested in therapy, but we will see. I am persistent. Whirlwind is back from his trip and driving me crazy, in many ways. The texting has stopped except for business things, the occasional good night after I leave but that's it. I am strong and can get through this. I do find myself sad some days, and feeling guilty about the feelings I had. Nothing has happened don't worry. And I believe my love for my husband will prevail. But every once in awhile, there is a flicker of something when WW comes into my office.


You're being amazingly naive.

You need to cut all contact w/ this guy and have a VERY honest conversation w/ your husband.


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