# I did it, but now feel like a bad person!



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

So, last night I told my husband that we should separate for a while - just a few months to get our thoughts together. I just can't do it anymore, the situation is just hard. 

This is after he told me that he was doing therapy to make himself better and that he couldn't deal w/ our issues until he felt better, and that it was my job to support him in the meantime -- what??? Really, who's supporting me? He is like I support you when you want to hang out w/ your friends or go to yoga -uh? Really -that's not the support I want.

Anyway, I just can't imagine watching the months go by as he works on himself. I mean, I understand that it can turn out that by him working on himself, he will feel better about us - but some of the issues we have are too big in my mind. Here is a short list:
1) no children because I work too much
2) He wants a 9-5 wife - I am not that 
3) he suggested I sacrafice my job for the marriage - I have worked too hard to be were I am today, hard to do.
4) he has told me that he is not as physically attracted to me anymore because of me (wtf?) -because I have put myself down so much (i.e., complaining about weight, etc) that he started to say -hey maybe she is on to something.
5) he doesn't feel connected to me or safe enough to have sex (no sex in 2 months -and maybe only a handful of times this entire year)
6) he is not even sure if he wants children or not
7) I don't make him feel important -
8) he blames me for destrying our progress by "talking" about our issues
9) HE CHEATED! and won't really talk about the extent of the affair. Instead of being apologetic, he tries to imply that I have crossed the line too (I had a co-worker who liked me).
10) He still works with the girl he cheated on me with. 

I am just so frustrated after a year of going round and round with these things. I just said let's take a break. But now, I feel bad about saying it - I think mostly because I am scared and confused.

Help! I am seeing my therapist on Friday, but this situation is all consuming. I can't work or do anything.

Am I wrong?

Help!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Separate if you are ending this marriage. Otherwise? You just make it easy on him to continue cheating.

Much of what he says at this point is a symptom of what is known as The Fog.

Don't buy into it.

And he saying that all he can do is concentrate on himself is such BS. Unless his therapist tells you directly and why, I would not even consider it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I agree with michzz. You need to decide right now what you want. If you want a divorce, then separate. However, if you want to remain married, stay and set some boundaries. The first parameter must be that he have *no* contact with the other woman. 

That big long list he gave you is a bunch of garbage--don't buy into any of that. He is still under the influence of the other woman. Don't be down on yourself because of what he is saying.


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## valaria (Oct 18, 2010)

The list he gave you is a huge load of crap. He is refusing to take responsibility for HIS actions. If he is seeing a therapist and still not taking responsibility, then divorce him and find a "grown up" otherwise he will be your only child and he will never be a husband....


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Everyone feels the same way you feel right now. Making the decision to separate or to break up is never easy. Second thoughts and feeling bad are a normal part of the process. However, what you are also doing is allowing him to make you feel guilty, so you feel even worse about yourself for wanting out. But, his denial, his inability to face up are not your responsibility. You want to separate, then the sooner the better. It is obvious he needs the time to learn how to live with himself and accept you are not the one responsible for his decisions and actions. He is the only thing holding you back by trying so hard to keep you there. It is all just a guilt trip.


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## keke1 (Dec 26, 2010)

I agree separate...its time for you both to figure out what you need and want....separation and divorce is an emotional rollar coast embrace every emotion and deal with it as they come....but take this time to clear your head...thank God you all don't have children and nothing really tying you together.....Learn who you are w/o him embrace the new you....


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