# She seems to be trying



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

My wife seems to be really trying to work through things now. It's been about a month and a half since D-Day number two. I want to believe things will only get better but maybe I've read too many stories of false R here to believe. 

And I'm still haunted by one of her emails to a "friend" while she was still continuing the affair after our first D-Day.

"I'll have to be a really good actress to get him to trust me again."

And she was too. Sorry, just feeling down today.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't blame you for feeling down. That's not a very good email to read and to base future trust on. 

My wife checks my cell phone when I'm not in the room. She watches me every time I use the computer too. I can't blame her. I broke the trust, not her. And I know all too well that the 100% trust will never happen again. Sad to just think of it. 

Wishing you and your wife the best!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> "I'll have to be a really good actress to get him to trust me again."


ouch

I would have terrible anxiety from that, you sure you want to do this?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> ouch
> 
> I would have terrible anxiety from that, you sure you want to do this?


My thought exactly. I couldn't get around that statement, ever. 

doubting what was real is not something I could live the rest of my life with.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> My thought exactly. I couldn't get around that statement, ever.
> 
> doubting what was real is not something I could live the rest of my life with.


I've got more like 

"I'm not sexually attracted to him"
"I don't love him"
"I don't feel bad about it"

All were said in our first three weeks of MC.

All very cruel things to say but at least she was being honest I guess. 

People who are in the fog say some really stupid things.

Lately though, she seems to be finally getting it as far as how devastating all of this is to me and the damage it has done. That's the only thing that keeps me moving forward. The hope that she is really coming out of the fog and not just acting. But that statement about being a good actress does keep me vigiliant and probably will for a very, very long time.

I'm still in for a long haul and I won't know if I can live with it for a good while.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> "I'll have to be a really good actress to get him to trust me again."


Oh, this is a tough line to get over. How can you ever trust her again after reading this? I am so sorry.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about your version

"I'm going to need to be a really good actor to get her to believe that I trust anything she says or tells me."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TheGoodFight said:


> "I'm not sexually attracted to him"
> "I don't love him"
> "I don't feel bad about it"
> 
> ...


Yeah, those things are all common "foggy talk" and I probably wouldnt have given them much thought... But the "good actress" statement would have been a deal breaker, past foggy wife zone and well into evil f*cking cun*t range... lol.




TheGoodFight said:


> Lately though, she seems to be finally getting it as far as how devastating all of this is to me and the damage it has done. That's the only thing that keeps me moving forward.


uh-ohhhhhhhh.

red flag chief. Your mind is bad. Examine your thinking.

IMO...

she doesn't "get" or care that much about what this did to you. No where near there yet, that's an oscar attempt. "in character". 

She is selfish, the center of her own universe. All things orbit her. This is and will always be motivated by what it's done to her. How her infidelity has affected her universe. 

There are many things that could have motivated a change in her behavior (if she is in fact "changing" rather than just playing a part).... I don't think that any of them have anything to do with what this has done to you. Not yet anyway. That could come later. Shouldn't be there now. Glitch. Red flag. 

Pinch yourself. 

Just saying.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Ok thanks for the outside view. That's why I post this stuff.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

She's still at the school, yes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Ouch! That really hurts. I'd guess it's time to move on. Clearly she has no intentions of changing. That's the way I see it. I'm very sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

She told her (toxic) friend whilst we were making up (or trying to):

"I'm more interested in having a cup of coffee than having sex."

My penis and I shriveled to nothing after that.  Later, I was told that it was something you "just say." 

Huh. 'S nothing _I_ would have ever said. But I do believe that misery loves company and hurtful things crop up in the wake of d-day (since you ruined their little fantasy).


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> She's still at the school, yes?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep till December 16th.



I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Ouch! That really hurts. I'd guess it's time to move on. Clearly she has no intentions of changing. That's the way I see it. I'm very sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This she said while she was still cheating after I discovered it the first time. She continued for a month after that till I confronted her again. At that time I manned up and took additional steps and she seems to be working on it now. I think it is over as far as being with the OM but I can't be 100% on that of course. 

If I saw that now then I'd definately agree.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Is her new job at a different district or just different school?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would have never been able to get past that statement. Is she acting now? How do you know she's not....ya know?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You'll never be able to trust her again unless you've suddenly gained the powers to read her mind and thoughts at all times.

Time to cut her loose and work on yourself, there is no way you will recover from that statement.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Is her new job at a different district or just different school?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is coming home to stay with our two children.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

TGF,
I'm curious, can you pleas share what steps you took the 2nd time around that changed the fake R to a real one.

I too had two d-days. D-day #1 begging and cring for my wife. D-day #2 backing her things up.

Was this simular, if so please elaberate, if not please explain.

Again just plain old curious and I'm sure it will help newbies from having to go back to your old threads.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> She is coming home to stay with our two children.


then I think you should torch the school after she leaves

write a letter/email to the principal and superintendent detailing what went on and how the asst. principal told your wife to cover it up better, also include the info on the wife's toxic friend and her AP

the way she handles the fall out would be a big indicator if she is willing to do the heavy lifting and be more trustworthy


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> then I think you should torch the school after she leaves
> 
> write a letter/email to the principal and superintendent detailing what went on and how the asst. principal told your wife to cover it up better, also include the info on the wife's toxic friend and her AP
> 
> the way she handles the fall out would be a big indicator if she is willing to do the heavy lifting and be more trustworthy


Oh I have plans for after she leaves school, believe me. I've decided that these secrets are not mine to keep. I'm wanting to do it strategically though.

I decided to wait until after she leaves to expose to the OMW and to the school. Doing so before hand has it's advantages, but waiting until she leaves gives me more information since all of my previous sources have been discovered. 

Doing it after she leaves will let me know what kind of contact if any is going on at that time.

I'm only willing to do it this way because I am 95% sure it has ended. If it hasn't, then I don't know when they are getting together because I have shut down any real opportunities. After she leaves, those opportunities will basically be nill.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> Yep till December 16th.


so.....


ready to expose?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so.....
> 
> 
> ready to expose?


 Maybe. Sorry, I know I'm setting myself up to be flamed. I know all of the arguments already so please all those people just waiting to jump on me with the "the OMW deserves to know" and "Our tax dollars are paying for X" just drop it already. I've heard you and your points are well taken.

I'm just not feeling it right now and have no interest in it today. I'm depressed today wondering if I married the right person in the first place.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

her reaction to the exposure would be quite the test for you to see tho


when I exposed and saw my wife decide to stand by me and what I was doing went a long way towards our R

good luck with what you decide however


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I'm just not feeling it right now and have no interest in it today. I'm depressed today wondering if I married the right person in the first place.


Who said it had to happen today. Take as long as you need to get yourself in a healthy place. 

I believe that it needs to be done though. Just my 2 cents.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

True. I saw first hand last week though how painful quitting her job was. It went a long way towards showing me that she is willing to give it a shot. 

She is also talking about the OM and the affair differently now. I could be wrong but I think I can see the fog starting to lift a little so I think there has trully been no real contact. Yes, she has seen him around work and he even came up and talked to her briefly last week when he found out she was leaving, but she told about it without me asking. I've also been hyper vigiliant in checking up on her and I keep finding nothing.

She is doing everything I ask to help me heal so far. I get no resistance to that stuff anymore.

now I'm in a stage where she has given up on him but doesn't know if she can have that same passion with me. It's depressing.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She thinks this because she still holds a torch for the OM . He would not be talking to your wife of you had exposed as he would be far more conceded about his own well being . This will continue to be the case while you allow it. It is highly likely he has spun a story about you so when you eventually do something it will have lost its impact.

Your in the down stage of the rollercoaster , this will continue for some time until the real consequences are felt . Give your wife the book "his needs her needs" by Harley , it has tips for her on restoring that passion. 

Btw : that little bit of contact with the OM put you right back to day one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> She thinks this because she still holds a torch for the OM . He would not be talking to your wife of you had exposed as he would be far more conceded about his own well being . This will continue to be the case while you allow it. It is highly likely he has spun a story about you so when you eventually do something it will have lost its impact.


The contact with the OM will not continue since she has left the workplace now. Their contact was all based on visiting with each other at work. he actually stopped visiting and started avoiding when I confronted him. I knew this would be a problem and danger until she left. But I'm glad she made the decision to leave rather than stay. 

It was my plan all along to see what happens after she is home for awhile.



Eli-Zor said:


> Your in the down stage of the rollercoaster , this will continue for some time until the real consequences are felt . Give your wife the book "his needs her needs" by Harley , it has tips for her on restoring that passion.


We have both read the his needs / her needs book recently. We continue MC.

I'm not sure if you are talking about me or her as to being on the down stage of the rollercoaster. I know I have been up and down and today is for sure a down. Part of that is coming off of the intense anxeity I have had for the past couple of months as I knew she was there at work with him.



Eli-Zor said:


> Btw : that little bit of contact with the OM put you right back to day one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. That's what I read and is why I know she had to quit. I'm glad she did or I would have been out the door.

Now I get to wait around to see if the feelings she had for me will return. Lovely.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you scanned the MB site for articles that may guide you.

Love Busters Questionnaire

As she has left school you will over the next few months see a change , both of you will have to actively work on the relationship . As a BS you need to monitor if she starts flagging due to it being hard work.

I believe you have a good chance to R and make your marriage work . You need patience and strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> now I'm in a stage where she has given up on him but doesn't know if she can have that same passion with me. It's depressing.


If she was passionate for you was right now, would you be ready to reciprocate at this very moment?


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> If she passionate for you was right now, would you be ready at this moment to reciprocate?


That's a good point. I think it would feel good though if she said "All of this was a big mistake and I wasn't in my right head and I suddenly realize now that I want you so bad now and I'll make love to you nonstop every day until you die." Cue the music.

Yes I know that only happens in the movies.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Have you scanned the MB site for articles that may guide you.
> 
> Love Busters Questionnaire
> 
> ...


We've done the questionaires but we probably did them too early on. People in the midst of an affair aren't exactly trying to get out of it.

I'll be watching to see how she changes over the next few months. I really do hope it gets better between us.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Divorced, married or single, we as individuals are solely responsible for our happiness. Have you re-engaged in old hobbies, have you started a regimen of healthy eating and exercise, have you gone hunting, fishing, golfing with male friends, etc. What have you done lately to put a smile on your face? Because, with or without your wife, only you can make yourself happy.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I understand that philosophically. And I do things that I like. Sure I can go on in life and make myself happy. Much of my energy is admittedly focused at home now.

I also realize that there are some things that you can only get from a wife or husband. And in those areas, your happiness is most certainly tied to your spouse.

If that wasn't so, then people wouldn't have a need to be in relationships at all. Or get out of them for that matter.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Remember the 180 degrees rules #11, #12 and #13? My point is that if you are making yourself happy, it will show. Your wife will be able to see that you are not putting the whole burden of your happiness squarely on her shoulders. 

If she sees you sad and depressed, you can be certain that it will not ignite her passion for you. If she's a normal woman, and she sees you happy and optimistic, there's more than a good chance that she will begin to be happy and optimistic herself and more importantly, begin to enjoy your company.

Just like with money from an ATM, you can only get out of a relationship what you only put into it.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Got it. Point taken and that makes good sense.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> My wife seems to be really trying to work through things now. It's been about a month and a half since D-Day number two. I want to believe things will only get better but maybe I've read too many stories of false R here to believe.
> 
> And I'm still haunted by one of her emails to a "friend" while she was still continuing the affair after our first D-Day.
> 
> ...


There was a D-day #2 because you didn't crack the whip after D-day #1.

And she IS acting, said so herself in an email.

Don't wait around for D-day 3, if you ever find it out.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> There was a D-day #2 because you didn't crack the whip after D-day #1.


That's true. But I did take action to protect my marriage and family after D-Day #2 which ended it.



Dexter Morgan said:


> And she IS acting, said so herself in an email.


She WAS acting. That was an email between DD1 and DD2. Maybe she still is but some things you can't fake. I'm fighting fog now, not an active affair.



Dexter Morgan said:


> Don't wait around for D-day 3, if you ever find it out.


I'm willing to work on things for now. I didn't spend the last 7 weeks in hell just to bail. Sorry. I assure you I won't continue indefinitely however.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Have you scanned the MB site for articles that may guide you.
> 
> Love Busters Questionnaire
> 
> ...


Quick question...flagging?


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