# Kids or her



## stuckinboston (Jul 28, 2010)

After six years of marriage I've finally gotten a straight answer from my wife that she not only doesn't want kids now, but she can't ever imagine herself having them. I've always believed I was destined to be a father - it's a big part of why I got married in the first place, although like a moron I assumed she felt the same way. After all, why wouldn't someone wasn't kids?

Well after years of "not now but maybe someday," she has come clean that she never sees herself having or raising children. I'm young enough that I can meet and marry again but am starting to approach the age where that likelihood declines. I also am fairly positive that if I stay married to her and give up the dream of my own children I'll resent her for it for the rest of my days.

Writing this out it seems pretty obvious what I should do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It does sound easy but I am sure its very hard to do. Walking away from someone you love is never easy. Its good that you at least know where she stands and then you can do the thing you feel is best for you. 

Being a parent is not for everyone. 

I wish you the best in your decision. 

Clay


----------



## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Sometimes writing it out makes it clearer for you.

Good luck. 



(on TV I've heard of people getting annulments for this sort of thing)


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

stuckinboston said:


> After six years of marriage I've finally gotten a straight answer from my wife that she not only doesn't want kids now, but she can't ever imagine herself having them. I've always believed I was destined to be a father - it's a big part of why I got married in the first place, although like a moron I assumed she felt the same way. After all, why wouldn't someone wasn't kids?


As a wife who never wants children, the first thing that strikes me about your post is that your wife was not upfront with you about this... it was one of the first things I discussed when my H and I became serious (PRE-engagement!) and we have both discussed it MANY times since then and have stayed consistent in our views (mine being no kids, his being he's fine either way and it's up to me). What happened between you that this communication was not happening? The decision to have children or not is a big deal and no one -not you or she - should assume that you both agree if you haven't discussed it. 

As far as your automatic assumption that she would want children... yeah, that is on you. It is by NO means a "default setting" and lots of people, men and women, choose not to have them. But she should have been open about it. It sounds like you may have been much more open about your feelings, maybe she was afraid to tell you the truth and lose you over it, who knows. But now you know the truth so you have to make up your mind. If you love the idea of children more than your wife, then move on. She may have always known on some level that this would happen.


----------



## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I have to agree with the other assessments here. This is a deal breaker. If you decide to stay, you will always resent her. If you threaten to leave and she concedes to have kids, she will resent you and and the kids. I'm so sorry you are facing this. It really is best for you to move on. I don't say that lightly. I don't pretend it's the ideal end of this story. Because you guys did not really discuss this beforehand, I don't think there is an ideal ending. Just move on. For both of you.

Best wishes.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm often the only one who will come into a thread imploring people to do everything they can to save the marriage, but this is a tough one.

Omega is right of course. Your wife absolutely, no question about it, should have been up front with you all along. Even if she wasn't 100% certain, she should have said something like, "Honey, I do not believe I will ever want children. Maybe that will change someday, maybe my body will tell me otherwise someday, but as it stands right now, I don't see myself ever wanting to have children. If you want to be with me, you have to accept that children will very likely never be in the picture, and not hope for a change of heart." Also, yeah you know you should have asked her directly looong before now. So I won't rub that in anymore.

For the record, does she just not want to to go through pregnancy and giving birth? Or does she not want to be a parent at all? Like is adoption or surrogacy an option by chance?

If not, then I'm really really sorry, but I don't see an option. Most people feel an innate need to procreate, and it is very likely you would resent her forever to some degree if she actively chooses to not do so with you. (It's totally different of course when a spouse discovers they are incapable of having children) If she is certain about how she feels, then I imagine you should be honest with her and discuss parting ways...


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The resentment will likely grow. I have a friend whose husband said 'no' to children. She regrets it enormously. I know it made her desire other men. 

They tried adopt. But they were deemed too old.

"I should have just stopped BC without telling him. He would have been fine with it once a child was in the way," she sai.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> "I should have just stopped BC without telling him. He would have been fine with it once a child was in the way," she sai


Just in case anyone reading this thinks otherwise, this is a terrible, very bad idea. If my H did this to me (like put a whole in a condom or whatever), it would be the end of our marriage. Our marriage is based in large part on trust and that is a despicable breach of trust, and irreparable. Of course he could try to pretend like it was just a mistake etc but these things have a way of becoming known, and when it did, the end. I suspect I hold the majority view on this one.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I completely agree that sabotaging BC is ethically wrong. However, one should also keep in mind that almost all power regarding having children factually resides in the hands of women. The is the legal reality.

When the game is fixed against you because of your gender it makes breaking the rules tempting.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------

