# Holiday romance???



## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Hello all,
So me and my husband have been married for 3 years.Our marriage is usually a happy one,however last year my husband asked if he could go away on holiday with his brother to see his family OVER CHRISTMAS,leaving me at home with our two kids.I foolishly agreed however given that he rarely goes out over here and he wanted to see his family it seemed justifiable and he promised to make it up to me when he got back.

So he came back and first thing that got me suspicious was the fact his phone was locked,questioned it and his response was he locked it when he went over in case it got stolen,fair enough i thought and left it at that.

A few days later checked his search history and found he had been talking online to a young girl from where he went,asked him to show me the messages but surprise surprise they were deleted.Told him i wanted to know everything,turns out he met this girl in a club and said he danced with her and bought her drinks,i probably could've handled this.But he then went onto say they met several other times over there (at the same club)and they danced together etc.

i feel betrayed and hurt and the fact that they were still speaking online and he deleted the messages indicates he isn't letting on everything.Feel like crap and dont know how we can move on from this,part of me wants to kick him out just dont know what to do!!!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Any advice???PLEASE SOMEONE???


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Well at this point there isnt anything you can really do except leave if it bothers you that much. Otherwise you have to sit back and watch things. When you find LITTLE things, as much as it hurts and makes you mad you can NOT say anything until you have solid proof of something more happening. THEN you have to make the decision if you can deal with it or not. 

How far away did he go? Put a keylogger on the computer and you will know what his messages say. Also you can check phone records to see how often he has texted/talked to her, if you are on the cell bill.

Good luck! It hurts alot to know your H has betrayed you!!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks for your reply.I hate the thought of having to do that though,whats a marriage if their isn't trust??I don't know how i will ever be able to trust him again.he went away for 2 weeks and met up with her several times.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband has cheated and is lying to you. I'm sure he is lying about what he did with this girl. 

You must decide how you want to proceed. Usually, people want more concrete proof of infidelity before they make serious decisions. It's also the usual case that cheaters will lie and only admit to what they think you know.

So, I would advise trying to calm down as much as possible, acting as cool as possible in front of your H, and doing some checking. A keylogger would be a good start.

Once you know what you're dealing with, you confront and then decide how to proceed.

Just fwiw, I think the holiday with 'just his family' was an excuse to get the freedom to do what he's been doing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell him you will take him for a polygraph test. Wait and see his reaction.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Even if he wasn't having an affair - leaving you and the kids at home at Christmas was just plain wrong.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He cheated. He never thought about stopping once he came back. He just got busted and is making the usual damage control maneuvers.

Time to snoop, time to get a hold to those texts if possible, time to verify NC, time to berify he doesn't embrace the cake eating life style, time to test his commitment to faithfulness.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your husband cheated on you. Do you want to remain married to him? What is his attitude about what he did?

Personally, I say go for it to kicking him out. That's what I would do.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Kat,

I know you are hurting, been there. You are in shock mode and that is understandable. When I finally caught my wife cheating (suspected for years) I felt my life spinning away. After 30 years married, it was like a death to a close family member only worse. 

Here's the point... I did not want to except the worst possible. I imagined some kind of lapse in judgement, a mistake, a meaningless one-time. In some weird way, I initially accepted her explanation. Do you see the point... I didn't want to believe she was capable of maintaining a sexual, emotional affair. WAKE UP!

Cheaters are liars by very definition. If they say only a kiss, it was sex. If they say only one time, it was a dozen. Your H has been caught... Now hear a truth.

The affair that you catch them in is usually the last affair they have had.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

katieaudain said:


> A few days later checked his search history and found he had been talking online to a young girl from where he went,asked him to show me the messages but surprise surprise they were deleted.Told him i wanted to know everything,turns out he met this girl in a club and said he danced with her and bought her drinks,i probably could've handled this.But he then went onto say they met several other times over there (at the same club)and they danced together etc.


The messages were deleted because they were incriminating.
He is not telling the whole truth.
The fact that he left you and the kids home during the holidays to pursue this girl , means most likely, it went physical.

He would not abanon his home just for a dance and a kiss.
Some men become irrational as the prospect of sex increases.

Dancing is just " a vertical expression of a horizontal desire."

What you need to do is talk to the family where he stayed. Ask him about the girl's name etc, and get her phone #.

Go to the clinic and get yourself tested for STD's.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How "young" is this girl?

How old is your husband?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VAR the car. That can be done from Walmart. Expect bad news.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks for your responses.What is a keylogger??And can it retrieve past conversations??I cant even bear to be near him at the moment i just hurt so much.even if it wasn't physical and it was just a bit of flirting the fact he got close to someone else its still a form of cheating right?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible that he did not just happen to meet her in the club. What young father would happily leave his young wife and young family at Christmas time, for goodness sake?

One who, perhaps with the connivance of some of his family members, decided to meet up with an old flame, perhaps?

You need to get STD tests done ASAP. This is not necessarily because you need to know if he has given you an STD, as it also works as an excellent warning sign. "You see? When you cheat on me, you make me afraid you have given me an STD."

And some years ago there was a case when one spouse cheated, dried themselves on a bath towel and passed the STD on to their child, who got an STD infection of their eyes. So even children of cheaters are at risk.

And this tells you a little about keyloggers http://compnetworking.about.com/od/networksecurityprivacy/g/keylogger.htm


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

katieaudain said:


> Thanks for your responses.What is a keylogger??And can it retrieve past conversations??I cant even bear to be near him at the moment i just hurt so much.even if it wasn't physical and it was just a bit of flirting the fact he got close to someone else its still a form of cheating right?


He's cheating. He most probably got physical with her. I think he had it planned, or at least was hoping for it, when he planned his solo holiday.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. He sounds like a real rat. How is he treating you now?


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Hes really really sorry.When i found out he was crying and really upset,hes knows my opinion on cheating and Ive always said if he did it i wouldn't stand for it.I'm not ready to forgive him right now and i don't know if we can move on from this tbh....I thought i knew him but now i'm not so sure.
Its just totally messed me up i think of it and it makes me feel sick,but i would be lying if i said i didn't love him and didn't want us to work.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

katieaudain said:


> Hes really really sorry.When i found out he was crying and really upset,hes knows my opinion on cheating and Ive always said if he did it i wouldn't stand for it.I'm not ready to forgive him right now and i don't know if we can move on from this tbh....I thought i knew him but now i'm not so sure.
> Its just totally messed me up i think of it and it makes me feel sick,but i would be lying if i said i didn't love him and didn't want us to work.


You need to get your thoughts separated from your feelings.
If you " rug sweep" his affair and forgive him without making him account for his actions and take responsibility for it, he would continue disrespecting you in the future with more of his indiscretions. He will perceive you as weak.

You should try to get the details of how , why , when , where and " WTF were you thinking.."


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I think you need to get away from the board for awhile and think about what [you] want to do and not get sept up in the emotions of TAM.

aIt sounds like your Husband got the thrill of some new girl chasing him and showing him attention so either you stay made for awhle and make him crazy or then let it go or you just end your marraige.

If you do end it are you ready to take care of yourself and your kids ,new home,new schools maybe ect so you need to think about all those things also.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Respectfully disagree with Dubb above on one thing. She needs to do her investigation to find out exactly what went on and I mean exactly. Flirting a girl is bad. Clubbing wither is worse. Neither compares to banging her. All are betrayal but sex is a different animal.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

weightlifter-I totally agree but many people on this forum think any interaction beween a married person and who ever is just wrong[like Saudi Arabia lol]. The guy meassed up and now she is talking divorce and can't get over it when it only may have been dancing and drinking so she has the two option I put down. 

If you need to start spying on your spouse then to me your marrige is over in the first place and you are beatting a dead horse.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks everyone,i hear all your opinions and can understand where your both coming from Weightlifter and Dubbs.We spoke last night about what happens next and he is just like really remorseful and heartbroken and kept asking what he can do to make it work...i have told him i need some time to think.Anyone ever had a go at relationship counseling??


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

He asked you what he can do to make it work???? I got a couple suggestions- let you talk to this little girl yourself, see what kinda lies he's been feeding her, hear her side of the story (was it just indeed dancing- I call BS!!) and have him be transparent with all his accounts and phone activity. Just a start!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

I hear that humble pie,fed up of all the lies and secrecy and feeling insecure.Things need to change...alot!!!


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

So is this weird....
I got a bit emotional other night and messaged the girl initially i was polite and said look i just want to know what happened for peace of mind please let me know etc etc...no response,well i then tried a different tactic and called her a few nasty names(oops) and still no response???
Also have booked in for an STD test for this thursday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> I think you need to get away from the board for awhile and think about what [you] want to do and not get sept up in the emotions of TAM.
> 
> aIt sounds like your Husband got the thrill of some new girl chasing him and showing him attention so either you stay made for awhle and make him crazy or then let it go or you just end your marraige.
> 
> If you do end it are you ready to take care of yourself and your kids ,new home,new schools maybe ect so you need to think about all those things also.


No. You do not need to get away from your knowledgeable, experienced friends at TAM. Do not let yourself be chased off, no matter how well-meaning the advice is for you to leave.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I don't understand separate vacations. You're married or you're not. Separate vacations are for people with open relationships. 

I really don't understand going back to visit his family without you. Period. What is the reason for this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I don't understand separate vacations. You're married or you're not. Separate vacations are for people with open relationships.
> 
> I really don't understand going back to visit his family without you. Period. What is the reason for this?


I can understand them after, like, 20-30 years of marriage. But after only a few years, with little kids?

*He planned this.*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did your husband end up going out to the club and dancing so much when he was supposed to be visiting his family? This is an important question because it looks like he might have gone there specifically to see this girl and not his family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How did your husband end up going out to the club and dancing so much when he was supposed to be visiting his family? This is an important question because it looks like he might have gone there specifically to see this girl and not his family.


I think he did both. It is highly likely that his brother acted as a go-between of some kind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I think he did both. It is highly likely that his brother acted as a go-between of some kind.


For a person to go off for Christmas and leave their spouse and children behind there has to be a story. Something is going on that is not good. People just do not do this to visit family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> For a person to go off for Christmas and leave their spouse and children behind there has to be a story. Something is going on that is not good. People just do not do this to visit family.


Unless, strictly speaking, it is true? Was the girl a cousin? (And I have heard of that happening...)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Unless, strictly speaking, it is true? Was the girl a cousin? (And I have heard of that happening...)


True.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You need to insist on relationship counseling.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks everyone.Today has been awful as not only had this crap to deal with but also my eldest son is poorly.He is willing to go to relationship counseling if i feel its what we need to get back on track.part of me wants to let go of everything but another part wants to give him another chance,am i stupid??


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

also not related to issue but how do i upload a pic??thanks


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

katieaudain said:


> also not related to issue but how do i upload a pic??thanks


Go to " Advanced Settings" and sroll down to " manage attachments."
Click on it and a new dialogue box will open.
Proceed from there , and then hit " submit reply option on the original page.


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