# Marriage or Bankruptcy



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I have sought help here and received excellent and honest feedback. Criticism is welcome. But, I am really at the end of my rope. 

We are in serious debt. We have been for sometime. However my husband's family wanted to pay our son's tuition for a private religious school. It's extremely expensive. We went ahead and moved near the school -- just entered a new 1 year lease. We did this based on the knowledge that this big chunk of change was coming from his grandparents. Very kind.

Well, my husband just told me today that they are only paying 500.00. That's it. I paid out of pocket waiting for the repayment so our son could start school.

Now, it looks like I will have to file bankruptcy. We were tight - and now I don't know what else to do. When I told my husband, he said well, (sarcastically) I guess I'll just get a job working overnights fulltime sweeping floors at Walmart -- and go straight to my day job. When I told him - please don't be sarcastic....we really need help here...he said "I'm serious!! That's what I'm going to do" WHen I said "OK...and called his bluff...he bounced back and told me he won't be able to do it...because he'd never sleep. 

He just turned down -- freelance work 2 weeks ago which paid 800 for the day. When I insisted that he take it...he said that he already made dinner reservations and we hadn't had a date night in a long time. So he told them NO. 

I just don't know what to do. How do I even deal with a husband/provider who won't take our financial situation seriously? 

I just feel like he's acting like a child yet again. 

We can't sell the cars because we are upside down on the loans...and we can't move somewhere cheaper because we just entered into this 1 year lease -- and I'm out the entire year of tuition. He won't confront his parents about it...  

So he tells me that "I" should work harder on my side projects. Which I am ALREADY doing -- 

Thanks for letting me vent. I just think divorce and bankruptcy are my only options. I don't know how to forgive him for his attitude and cluelessness.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok do your projects make money?
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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

My side projects are currently keeping us afloat. But now... I can't work 24/7 and have an added pressure of the tuition. 


Just because he doesn't want to help ?





Gaia said:


> Ok do your projects make money?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Are schools in your area that bad that he has to go to this school to get a fair education? Or - was this more a choice of the grandparents to see him educated in the "correct" religion?

I'd tell your husband flat out that either he needs to explain to his parents the direness of the situation or that you will - even if ultimately they choose to do nothing about it and provide the money they promised you, I think that they should be aware that both you and your husband might have to take second or third jobs to pay for venture because of them backing out on their promise. 

Is there anyone at the school you can talk to and explain the situation? Is there an early termination fee you could perhaps pay for breaking the lease so you could move somewhere less expensive? I mean, if you explain you might have to file bankruptcy and might not be able to pay the rent, they might be willing to think about it, as no doubt, they would rather re-rent to someone who will be able to guarantee they can pay. 

If you are thinking about filing bankruptcy, you'll have to contact a lawyer anyways, could you talk to one about the situation and see if they have any advice?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Side projects... so you work and do projects on the side? And he works? You really shouldn't be mad that he wanted a date night with you... at least not imo anyway. That is really sweet.
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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Date night could have been held off a bit when they really needed that money. I mean - how much was she was really going to be able to enjoy a date night with all the stress of the financial situation? 

The fact that he didn't understand that shows that he isn't really considering how serious it is, and how much it is worrying her.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I would call the grandparents and ask them why they went back on their word.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I already work 50 hrs a week. My side projects already make an extra 2k a month. My husband says we can't move again. He lost his ability to work freelance necks use he kept turning it down despite the fact we needed the money. He has no trouble making me work all this extra but he wouldn't do it. 


I tried talking to the school. They won't refund our money. Said they already turned kids away. 
My husband asked them for 15k 2 years ago and told them we needed the money. We didn't at that time. He mis spent it. So I think asking them for more now would be wrong. They both work in their 70s and one has cancer. I initially insisted on public because of this but my DH said they insisted on catholic school. 
I'm just angry over his sarcastic response to our dire needs! 



Gaia said:


> Side projects... so you work and do projects on the side? And he works? You really shouldn't be mad that he wanted a date night with you... at least not imo anyway. That is really sweet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok I'm confused.... is he working or just relying on freelance? And yes their in financial trouble but it doesn't mean their relationship has to be put on the back burner. Do you two have much time to spend with eachother at all?
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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He is working. I just updated my previous post. He was unemployed for 7 months and drained our savings. 



Gaia said:


> Ok I'm confused.... is he working or just relying on freelance? And yes their in financial trouble but it doesn't mean their relationship has to be put on the back burner. Do you two have much time to spend with eachother at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You could look into applying for a grant to help pay for your childs schooling.
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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

That's exactly what I'm getting up. I am constantly scared about money and he seems like NOTHING is wrong.

Then, when I tell him today that I am going to have to meet with a bankruptcy attorney -- he says he will just have to go work 80 hours a week. His current day job (after being unemployed for 7 months) and then he offered to go sweep floors at walmart overnights. No sleep. He said it's not necessary.

My point is - this is a smart guy. He has turned down numerous freelance opportunities on the weekends that pay very, very well. 800 a day! I just find his "offer" repulsive.

I am currently working my behind off in my full time job and then my side projects until late in the night from home. I am bringing in a good chunk of change. But, I have nothing left to give.

So - I have to file bankruptcy. Plain and simple. I handed over all the rest of our savings for our son's tuiton. He used up the rest of our savings by being unemployed for 7 months. And now he's going to work 80 hours a week - 40 of them sweeping floors? 

It's just angering me. I mean -- would you stay in this situation with someone who acts like this?




Starstarfish said:


> Date night could have been held off a bit when they really needed that money. I mean - how much was she was really going to be able to enjoy a date night with all the stress of the financial situation?
> 
> The fact that he didn't understand that shows that he isn't really considering how serious it is, and how much it is worrying her.


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## MikelHochst (Aug 28, 2012)

My side projects are currently keeping us afloat


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I already work 50 hrs a week. My side projects already make an extra 2k a month. My husband says we can't move again. He lost his ability to work freelance necks use he kept turning it down despite the fact we needed the money. He has no trouble making me work all this extra but he wouldn't do it.
> 
> 
> I tried talking to the school. They won't refund our money. Said they already turned kids away.
> ...


Seems to me the grandfolks made an offer and it's their duty to abide by it. Their decision had nothing to do with your husband's irresponsibility, and they are grownups who made a financial obligation. Think about that! 

Being nice is not going to pay your debts.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I just brought this up to my husband. I insisted that he talk with his parents. He won't -- absolutely will not. Says it was a big misunderstanding but it's water under the bridge. He forbids ME from talking to them too.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

He really needs to pull his head out of his rear. To answer your question.... yes I have stayed with a financially irresponsible man and I'm still with him. Of course he is now trying to make changes... I hope your h can make changes soon as well.
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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

When the grandparents gave the $500 for the school. Who did they give the money to? The school or your husband?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

They wrote my husband the check. I saw it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Doesn't sound like this school fits in your budget. Thank the grandparents for their offer, but let them know you've gotta defer it till you can afford it. You can find an affordable school for your son abs save your family a lot if pain. He doesn't need a brand, just peace at home, I imagine...


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well -- the problem is I wrote the big check. I am out the 16 thousand dollars. And I have no savings left. I would have never written the check had i known that they were going to leave me holding the bag. 

I have no options...at this point.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you and your husband make a comfortable living but can't manage money. As long as this continues, there will always be stress and strife in your marriage. Begin by doing a budget together. I know how it is to live with someone who prioritizes "fun" things over necessities. It makes life absolutely too hard.

Going through bankruptcy, at least Chapter 7, is very hard and stressful. You may be eligible for Chapter 13 though. Even so, it would be better for you and your husband to get through this without going into bankruptcy. It's really very simple. Pull your son out of the private school and send him to public school. I'm sure there must be a way to break the contract with the school. Then, never rely on someone else to pay for things. Stick to that budget!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

He -forbids- you from talking to them?

Does he normally forbid you to contact them. I'm sorry, but he's being really immature and controlling. Were you there during the original conversation about how they were offering this money? Are you sure this offer was actually made? Or - is it possible your husband said this was happening to win the "he has to go to Catholic school" argument? Could they have given him the money already, in a check you didn't see, and he spent it again?

He got $15,000 from them, and then spent it - on what exactly? That's a lot of money. That could be a brand new car or a down payment on a house, so what exactly was that used for?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your husband doesn't seem to understand the concept of time value.

Why work fourty hours a week extra at Walmart and not get any sleep, when one day of freelance pays him exactly the same amount as two weeks of sweeping floors.

Yes, your husband needs to get his head out of his ass.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

827Aug said:


> It sounds as though you and your husband make a comfortable living but can't manage money. As long as this continues, there will always be stress and strife in your marriage. Begin by doing a budget together. I know how it is to live with someone who prioritizes "fun" things over necessities. It makes life absolutely too hard.
> 
> Going through bankruptcy, at least Chapter 7, is very hard and stressful. You may be eligible for Chapter 13 though. Even so, it would be better for you and your husband to get through this without going into bankruptcy. It's really very simple. Pull your son out of the private school and send him to public school. I'm sure there must be a way to break the contract with the school. Then, never rely on someone else to pay for things. Stick to that budget!


This and it sounds like you two are probably living a bit above your means. What's done is done with the money, but in my own household, I'd confront gma and gpa like yesterday with or without my H's blessing.

I think you could benefit from a ch 13 though, granted things get under control spending wise in your household. A chapter 13 can stop the stress almost immediately, and quite possibly force the school to return the money that you paid them, check with a lawyer.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

The "surprise" of the 16k hit when the grandparents backed out or as your husband put it "big misunderstanding" ( I call BS on that, i think you got played by your husband to get your son into that school ) must have put your heart into palpitations and you probably broke out into a cold sweat. I guess next time you'll be thinking on a promise like that "show me the money". If there is anyway you can approach the school and get a refund that would be the way to go. They said they had a waiting list so if thats true they should be able to get you your money back. It would just require them making a few calls to the people on the waiting list and of course your son would have to go to a different school.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He typically discusses things alone via phone with his parents. But in this particular case they were visiting and I heard part of the conversation. At this point I think my husband misunderstood. I think they said they'd "contribute" vs pay the whole bill. That's why I think my husband doesn't want me to talk with them. 

DH has had a lot of trouble with communication and listening in the past so this isn't a surprise to me. I think the fault is technically in his lap. Misunderstanding is my guess...


The 15k was spent last time on furniture and I don't know what else. The purse strings haven't been tight and I honestly kick myself for not managing things better. It's just really hard now because it's trying to bail out the titanic. Things would have been much easier if we had made adjustments months ago. But my husband was off work for 7 months. Instead of working for awhile in another city until he found one in our new city (I was transferred by my company) he just up and quit. He didn't try hard to get a job and we used almost all of our savings. I got him his current job. And the other day he told me his boss put him on a 30 day action plan. My husband is extremely competent at work but I am scared this will end up poorly. 




Starstarfish said:


> He -forbids- you from talking to them?
> 
> Does he normally forbid you to contact them. I'm sorry, but he's being really immature and controlling. Were you there during the original conversation about how they were offering this money? Are you sure this offer was actually made? Or - is it possible your husband said this was happening to win the "he has to go to Catholic school" argument? Could they have given him the money already, in a check you didn't see, and he spent it again?
> 
> He got $15,000 from them, and then spent it - on what exactly? That's a lot of money. That could be a brand new car or a down payment on a house, so what exactly was that used for?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> He typically discusses things alone via phone with his parents. But in this particular case they were visiting and I heard part of the conversation. At this point I think my husband misunderstood. I think they said they'd "contribute" vs pay the whole bill. That's why I think my husband doesn't want me to talk with them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know your husband is immature and acts moronically.
You used bad judement in enrolling your kid in this school.

You should not have trusted that you'd be getting 16K from them from this year, let alone the future years.

Even if someone else was paying for it, you should not enroll your kid in a $16,000 school if you are on the verge of bankgruptcy.

The catholic schools in my area will provide aid in some cases... You must apply for it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I say do what you have to do. Stop depending on your husband to be responsible and pick up the slack, he's not going to do it. You keep setting yourself up for these failures and all it's doing is stressing you out even more than you already are.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I would call the grandparents and ask them why they went back on their word.


or explain to them that maybe in 1970 500.00 would help but in todays market that just covers the registration 

can you get a refund for what you have already paid ?? the good news is that his tuition is probably tax deductible but check with an accountant


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeah, but, getting a $16,000 tax deduction is only helpful if you paid $16,000 in taxes, which, I'm guessing from the description of the financial situation is unlikely. 

I agree, if they have a waiting list, how difficult would it be for them to find someone else to take your son's spot? Would they really rather have a student on the verge of poverty rather than take some initiative to find another student? What would that say to other potential parents about how much they care about their student's well-being above and beyond tuition?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

My DH was totally against it. But I called the school anyway and they offered to give me 5k of the 16k back. It doesn't even make sense to lose 11 thousand dollars because at least they have a cheaper after school program at the church (4 bucks an hour). So I am stuck. 

I've been wracking my brain. I'm going to find an alernative source of income if it kills me. My husband is very quiet about it and NO longer talking about overnights at Walmart. But I'm a fighter. I'm going to get this fixed. The problem is I resent the fact that I'm bailing out my husband AGAIN too. 

It's not fair that I'm the only grown up. But fortunately I've felt a shift today from victim to fighter. 




Starstarfish said:


> Yeah, but, getting a $16,000 tax deduction is only helpful if you paid $16,000 in taxes, which, I'm guessing from the description of the financial situation is unlikely.
> 
> I agree, if they have a waiting list, how difficult would it be for them to find someone else to take your son's spot? Would they really rather have a student on the verge of poverty rather than take some initiative to find another student? What would that say to other potential parents about how much they care about their student's well-being above and beyond tuition?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In_The_Wind said:


> or explain to them that maybe in 1970 500.00 would help but in todays market that just covers the registration
> 
> can you get a refund for what you have already paid ?? the good news is that his tuition is probably tax deductible but check with an accountant


The three years our children attended private school, tuition was not tax deductible.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

827Aug said:


> The three years our children attended private school, tuition was not tax deductible.


some states allow tuition tax credits depends on the state for example Arizona Arizona School Tax Credits for Individuals

however in Texas we do not have a state income tax so their is probably no credit for elementary to middle schools


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

So here's a question. If your wife is going to file for bankruptcy and shes upset about it, should you offer to go to the appointment with the lawyer? Or even ask how it went?




In_The_Wind said:


> some states allow tuition tax credits depends on the state for example Arizona Arizona School Tax Credits for Individuals
> 
> however in Texas we do not have a state income tax so their is probably no credit for elementary to middle schools


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Both husband and wife probably need to go to the initial consultation--or at least leave the door open. A married person can file for bankruptcy as an individual. However, in your situation I really don't see how it's going to help. The same spending habits are likely to repeat themselves. For example, due to my estranged husband's reckless financial decisions, I'm the one filing for bankruptcy. I had no debt except my medical bills and business debts. He, on the other hand, has personal consumer debt all over the place--he's a big spender. Yet, he's not the one motivated to file for bankruptcy. It sounds as though that's also the problem in your marriage.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well he didn't even ask how it went. He said he thought I cancelled because I didn't mention it. He then was concerned that it was chapt 13 instead of a 7 because it means I have to go on payment plan. 

It has to be individual because he filed before years ago. 


827Aug said:


> Both husband and wife probably need to go to the initial consultation--or at least leave the door open. A married person can file for bankruptcy as an individual. However, in your situation I really don't see how it's going to help. The same spending habits are likely to repeat themselves. For example, due to my estranged husband's reckless financial decisions, I'm the one filing for bankruptcy. I had no debt ex. cept my medical bills and business debts. He, on the other hand, has personal consumer debt all over the place--he's a big spender. Yet, he's not the one motivated to file for bankruptcy. It sounds as though that's also the problem in your marriage.


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