# Confiding in friends?



## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I won't restate my whole story here, I've told it in other threads. Short version is that my H and I have been married for almost 6 years, no kids, and have had a lot of problems stemming from the fact that he has anxiety and anger issues and I am not very assertive and have gotten less so since I'm afraid of his anger. He's been emotionally and verbally abusive on and off through our marriage. Last month he started anti-anxiety meds and we started MC and I am trying to figure out if our relationship is salvageable.

Here's the issue: I have a couple close female friends from childhood that I keep in touch with. One in particular I'm very close to, and though she lives out of state, we try to visit eachother for a weekend once or twice a year. My H has tried to find reasons for me to cancel these visits before, and when she visits us, he is usually sulky and unfriendly with her and picks fights with me.

I told him the other day that I was planning to go see her next month. The next day he confronted me, near tears, and said that the idea of my visiting her was causing his anxiety to flare up. I got defensive and told him I wasn't going to cancel the visit, and he said that was fine but that he wants me to swear that I won't talk to her about him, or our problems, or our relationship at all, since it's none of her business and he can't bear to think about me discussing any of that with her. He said my talking to her will only cause problems in our marriage and that I should keep in mind that he is really struggling to handle the idea of my visiting her and that this is causing him a lot of stress and difficulty "just when he's been doing so well".

I DO confide a lot in her, though not EVERYTHING, and she and I have been sounding boards for eachother through all sorts of issues for 20 years. I value having her support. So, I kind of feel like this is one more attempt on my H's part to control/manipulate me, and on the other hand I wonder if I need to be more supportive of what he needs to deal with his anxiety. Is he asking too much? Am I being selfish, or is he? Is it okay to demand that a partner not discuss certain issues with a friend? My H doesn't really have any close friends, as he tends to dump his friends after a year or so.


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

It is not selfish to have your friend from childhood. Do you think you are oversharing your most intimate details with her and he knows it, and it makes him anxious you are going to spill the beans every visit? Or is he just controlling, manipulative, can't share you with anyone?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I'd say if a spouse feels strongly enough about it he/she could request (not demand) that certain private matters not be shared, but that's about all. This is no justification for cutting in on a lifelong (especially same-sex) friendship, though.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

No way chaotic, you keep contact with your friends to stay healthy. It is abuse and dysfunction 101 when someone discourages relationships like the ones you have with your friends. You fit a pattern here and should read up on emotional and psychological abuse before you succumb to pressure to isolate yourself with Mr. No Friends.

You are changing for him to make peace in your marriage and risk losing yourself or worse in the process. Stay strong, stay healthy and stay grounded by being social.


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## happynlucky (Jan 30, 2012)

It is perfectly normal to share your feelings and whatever is happening around you with your best friend. But make sure you do not overshare intimate details. You must decide on where to draw the line if your husband is too demanding on it. I understand you have issues but its only you two who can solve it. You must not cut on friendship but you can afford to cut on the sharing part if it matters so much to your husband. I am sure you won't repent on not telling her things.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He's asking too much.

If anything you need friends more than the average person due to his anxiety.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Here's the issue: I have a couple close female friends from childhood that I keep in touch with. One in particular I'm very close to, and though she lives out of state, we try to visit eachother for a weekend once or twice a year. My H has tried to find reasons for me to cancel these visits before, and when she visits us, he is usually sulky and unfriendly with her and picks fights with me.


Making it difficult to make and maintain friendships is a warning signal of an abuser. Do you think this friend has made subtle references or smirky looks at your husband that would make him think that you are talking about him to her. If not, you need to think about reinforcing the friends policy between you two.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

In terms of "intimate details", I don't discuss my husband's and my sex life with this friend. That's private. However, my H has at times thrown fits/behaved in ways that have made me worry about his mental health. My friend's sister is bi-polar and so we have had a boatload of "am I overreacting? is this behavior normal? is he okay? should I consult a psychologist?" type of conversations. 

She has occasionally texted me things like, "It sucks that you're going through this, you deserve better, hang in there" and I'm pretty sure he's seen them, as he snoops through my phone sometimes. 

My gut says he's being controlling. My codependent side says I need to do what he needs to feel secure in our marriage and deal with his anxiety.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think your husband is worried that you will tell your friend bad things about him, then he will feel being judged by your friends. 

It's a tough situation for you. You and your husband don't have a good relationship, so you feel the need to seek support from your friend. But then your husband feels being judged. 

It also shows that he is not confident of himself, he knows he is not being a good husband, and he tries to run away from his problems. He doesn't want to face his own faults. 

Right now you can't change the way your husband is. I would say you can respect his wishes not to tell your friend bad things about him, I don't think it is good anyway. Would you feel good if you husband went around and showed his frustration about his marriage to other people? No people would feel good when they know others are saying bad things about them behind their back. It will only make the situation worse.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi Chaotic. Ok I'm going to be devils advocate here so I may rattle a few cages but guys bear with me please.

Point - Your H suffers anxiety. This issue (I have it) has triggers. There is million things to cover about it but we'll kep it simple say that many times people sufferig this over think things and this starts the gut wrenching (adrenalin) then cames the mind movies (to use a phrase many apply to here). In his mind he has a small concern that will re-run until it becomes huge. Hes not communicationg this to you very well because he has an issue doing this. Many feel that it makes them look stupid, paranoid, threatening in fact any name you want to give it. 
Medication can help, but its the need for cognative theropy really. Marridge Coucilling is certainly NOT helpful because it doesnt doesn't deal with the adrenalin. And it can make it worse if the Councillor asks questions like " do you think your W is being open and honest with you about their feeling" . Bang!, Nuclear seed planted start the mind movies, start the rethinking and "what is this person suggesting? Is my W being honest etc etc" you see the cycle starting off?
Anger is an issue associated with anxiety. Its the build up of all the head games which act line a kettle boiling but with nowhere for the steam to come out. People with anxiety need to be able to talk out any silly "silly thoughts" without feeling they are going to be made a fool of, made to think that they are loosing the plt and are ready for little men in white coats to carry them off. Its also very, very embarressing to speak up because of what he thinks youll do, say or respond with .

To have a friend that you have kept communication with as long as you have is really good. Few can say they have this length of friendship.

Your H may as its been suggested see or have seen something that has triggered the "what does she know?" movie to kick in. Please dont dismiss how damagaing this one little thought is. 
Have you considered how well your H really knows this friend. Its YOUR friend? Is it a real shared friend?

In my case my W has 2, both female I might add. One who has been there siince we met, we've holidayed with partied with and shared good and bad times.
The other came along through My W's work 4 years ago. My wife would go and visit on long days out, theyd go to concerts together, they were texting from first thing a.m to 10 pm most days as well as phone calls. The texts were for my Ws eyes onely, they were never discussed and this friend was never in my company in any social situation at all. In deed I really didnt know anything about her. 
When things were tough here My W was texting, call visiting. I was ill and unable to leave the house (had an accidednt and counldnt walk, stuck in a charge for 14 hours a day, 8 of which I was on my own). W would come home ask if I was ok . and off would go the phone, start of the nighly ritual. Im not privy to what the conversations were about.

Then we have a visit from this one friend. He bearly looks at me when see arrives. No communication nothing. When I try to engage her in some conversation I get the sidewards look and short to the point answers. 

This goes on for months. The other fried of my wifes (who we both know) chats to me , asks how Im really feeling, whats happening etc. All the things that make me feel accepted.

I become a suffer of anxiety. The issues I had all feed in to the condition (and still do) When there are low points I need to feel wanted, accepted and a husband. My w seems to engage with her friend more than me. I hear my w telling the friend some of the issues we're dealing. This is not general this was about my condition and things associated. I dont actually know this other friend yet here is my private life or subjects Im having issues with being vocalised and texted I admit the head games kick in and Im really starting to want to close down talking to anyone about me and my issues. I feel I have my trust betrayed. Here was a stranger knowing things I felt was private. For me and my W only. 

When I bring this up. Im being paranoid, Im seeing things that are there etc. All the normal things when defenses are being built up.
After some time My w sees what im getting at. It might have been me saying that when we ere next in our local drinking hole Id discuss her menopause and all the symtoms associated with all of that with the guys (all men) in the bar that I used to chat with. 

Point hits home. But its left a very bitter taste. Because Im still aware and on my guard about what does this froend know, what was said and why was I being shunned when all I would do is to try and make her welcome.

Your H may well be controlling. But it migt be that he sees this friend you have as some sort of threat to him. Afetr all is you are confiding things to her that he would not like, that he sees as "H and W private". Then its a boundry that neither of you should cross.
If he thinks that there is a breach of his trust, then he needs to know if there has been and it wont happen again. If there hasnt then the same thing applies he need to know and feel confident in that.

Sorry its along old reply but Im seeing some of a me here and I know That I will do anything for my W. Im not controlling she has said that quite the opposite Im always supporting. But sometines if the communication is damaged in someway then it needs to sorted out to both of your satisfaction.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Chaotic said*: I have a couple close female friends from childhood that I keep in touch with. *One in particular I'm very close to, and though she lives out of state, we try to visit eachother for a weekend once or twice a year.* My H has tried to find reasons for me to cancel these visits before, and when she visits us, he is usually sulky and unfriendly with her and picks fights with me.


Once or twice a YEAR....and he is making an issue! 

I feel it's unrealistic, given your situation with what you are dealing with at home ....to never share your feelings and struggles with a *trusted friend.*.... unless you take it all to prayer...and leave it there. You've had this friend over 20 yrs...has she EVER interfered or did anything to hurt your husband, is she trying to get you away from him? It doesn't sound so. 

It's a shame he has put you into this situation...she lives FAR away , and it's not like she is going around gossiping about your marriage to others in your area...I feel it's a shame he can't get himself together, and he is using THIS as his answer ....trying to destroy what friendships you have left... Yes, very controlling behavior... your husband needs some help.

Having a couple trusted friends as a "sounding board" has likely saved YOU from going over the edge....even remaining with him -dealing with his issues on a daily basis...this is something he does not realize.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

One of the ways abusive people maintain control is through secrecy. My ex was VERY big on secrecy - his favorite quote was that he told people things "on a need-to-know basis" and would emphasize certain things were "our business". 

It is true that in normal circumstances there are intimate issues and basic disgruntlement that should not be shared. It's a careful balance of sharing problems and seeking solutions without turning your friend against your spouse so that things aren't awkward for everyone.

Be careful that you don't say anything that could come back to bite you should you and your H work things out; on the other hand if he is being manipulative and fearful that if you tell her the truth about him that she'll want to encourage you to leave, then those are secrets that shouldn't be kept. 

Although you can be a supportive wife when it comes to dealing with his issues, in the end they are HIS issues and he shouldn't let his anxiety prevent you from living your life.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm a big proponent of not overly complaining about your spouse a lot to friends/family etc. because there's usually relationships with both people and it can be a problem for the one being talked about.

Now that said, there's one very important component to that rule. The marriage has to be strong enough where you talk openly, honestly and with resolutions in mind. Basically where you eliminate the NEED to vent outside the marriage.

You don't have that. You need a vent. Your husband is using his anxiety to control you and then shifts to anger when the anxiety doesn't work. He needs therapy and so do you probably (it's better to talk with a professional than a friend)


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

I think there is a few issues here.

1 - your H has anxiety, he should go to therapy to learn how to manage it. It's not your job to do that for him, well really you can't soothe his anxiety. He is not using his anxiety to control you.....he is trying to control you to soothe his anxiety. He needs to learn to self soothe.

2 - talking to friends and family about your marital problems will only add to them. How would you feel if he told his friends things about you? Do you really want your friends to know your business? Your effort would be better suited getting to a place where you both can always go to each other.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Your husband has a legitimate concern (although the way he went about expressing it is really kinda manipulative). I hate knowing my husband has talked to his friends about me, just like he hates knowing when I've talked to my girlfriends. But the more I try and type up a helpful post, the more I realize that without knowing how your husband is doing with his anxiety I just can't offer good advice.

I have GAD as well; when I get going I can manage to worry about hitting the lottery. Heck, I managed to worry about money this weekend, and I just got paid! But when I find myself triggering, I try to let my husband know that a specific event triggered me and we can work together to fix it. I also have been in IC off-and-on for the last few months. So it's entirely possible that he is in a different area of healing than I am, and not ready for the advice that I could give.

I do think you two need to discuss boundaries with your counselor, both for yourself and for each other. It sounds like he oversteps yours quite a bit when he wants to get information, and you two probably need to find a good middle ground to keep everyone happy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I never meet or socialize with her friends, I don't care what she says. If I do socialize with them, it would be very awkward if she shares details or issues that could make me look bad - and they're getting a very one-sided perspective. Not that there are any negatives for us in this relationship, fortunately. However, if there were, I'd have to cease socializing with those friends as it would be awkward and I wouldn't want to deal with their judgmental attitudes.

My wife wants me to respect her privacy, and I want her to respect mine.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I have a friend I've known for over 30 years. A guy, like me. We worked in the same industry, etc etc. Partied together in our 20s and traveled together on work assignments. He went to my wedding, i went to his, saw his newborn babies and the whole bit. We're close and can talk about anything. 

But.... and this isn't because we're guys, we just don't talk about certain things. I never told him, for example, that my fWW cheated on me. I spoke to him about her D23's various problems, some serious, and about some of W's issues with health (not sexual health) and so on. He talks to me about his stuff with his family too. It's personal, close stuff tha tyou can talk to a friend about. But it's never about our relationship or problems we have. And the infidelity is a BIG one to me. I'd love to talk to him about it. But it's a boundary I put in, personally, not to talk to anyone about. 

So those areas need to be left alone, in my humble opinion. Left to professionals, and you need to be choosy about professionals as well. Not all of them have their kits together (W#1's parents were PhD and MA psychology and they're not all that well put together, although they function well in a corporate environment). 

W and D both suffer at times from anxiety. I rarely do, even though I believe I have more things to stress about in daily life. So I can't comment on that part of your situation. But I thought I'd toss out this boundary with friends issue for you to chew on.


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## songbird123 (Sep 30, 2013)

I have anxiety issues so I am wondering if your husband's anxiety is treated? I don't feel that anyone in my family should have to cater to my anxiety. I treat it with medication. That doesn't mean that my family isn't sensitive to it, it just means I don't expect them to alter otherwise normal behavior because of it. 

I do think its disrespectful of him to treat you badly during or before a visit with your friend. I think that friendships are important and should be encouraged by our partners. 

However, I don't think it's unfair for him to ask you not to talk about him or the marriage with others. Those subjects are very private and sensitive and I don't think it's out of line to ask it to be kept with each other and professionals.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_ "It sucks that you're going through this, you deserve better, hang in there"_

Maybe he saw this and interpreted it to mean "you deserve a better husband." (which I'm assuming was not the actual meaning...?)


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I tend to fall into supporting your husbands position because I doubt you talking with her does much to help your marriage. And I can imagine that when your friend visit your house that your husband feels very very uncomfortable because she knows things about him and he isn't completely aware of what those things are. And this isn't a man's own home

It seems to me that the place the two of you oughta be is in marriage counseling instead of aggravating your husband's conditionby talking about him behind his back .

A similar thing happened to me recently where I spent a couple of days with my husband at a friend of ours and I was really uncomfortable knowing that my husband had spoken to them about our marital problems . And what bothers me more was that over time I had asked him so when you went to see them what did you talk about me always said nothing so I felt very betrayed . I've never told him that he can't talk to people but it sure did hurt to find out he was talking to them and then lying to me about it.

He has a problem with truth in the first place and I can see that you aren't hiding it from him but it is still behind his back of he isn't involved in the discussions. 

Unless you tell your husband what you're talking to her about and he agrees that that's okay I would be upset if I were him.

This isn't about your friendship as much as it is choosing your friend over him. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies, it's good for me to read all the different perspectives, and I think there's a lot of good things for me to keep in mind.

The one thing that's really hitting home is the idea that healthy married couples should be able to discuss their concerns and problems with eachother, and right now I don't feel like we can do that, and that's something we both need to deal with. There's not a lot of trust between us; his habit has always been to scream and swear at me when he's stressed about anything, and my habit has been to pretend like I'm fine and that I'm "handling it" even when I'm seething with anger or hurt inside. Neither of those habits are remotely healthy and I know that. We are already in MC and apparently we need a lot more. 

Thanks everyone.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You are right that being unable to talk to one another is a real problem. It makes you want to talk to someone who will listen and not freak out on you. 

But, every couple is like that to some extent. It a all hits too close to home. 

Do you think he has really improved as of late? 

I told my H, just as I tell my kids, it is good to share with people who love you and in whom you can trust. I will never cut them off from support. I don't want to be misrepresented and I don't want to be lied to. I'm not sure picnic to live with so I understand the need for a third party opinion. But I think that more for my kids than for My H when it comes to venting to friends versus working on us directly. 

I still didn't tell him not to talk about us but I will not accept being lied to. 
I think you will make a good decision. He may be in a better place to deal with this soon. Might be worth giving him a chance if you perceive his self evaluation is correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Amen EnjoliWoman.

Abusers are against communication period. BUT they especially eschew direct communication. You have a lot of red flags there chaotic, you have to be very careful about your own mental health. What happens is one tries to appease the abusive spouse, they often have 'anxiety' and one must do things to alleviate this you know! So you give up your friends one by one, and you end up thinking like your spouse and then you are in crazy town.

Friends are healthy and not a threat to a marriage or a "legitimate concern." Are you telling your friend bank PINS? Nuclear launch codes? Please. People need socialization with people other than their boyfriend or spouse for health, why is he trying to stop you from being healthy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chaotic,

You say that you have for a weekend, once or twice a year with your friend. How often do you communicate with her via other means.. like telephone, email, etc.?

Has your husband overheard you discussing your marital problems and him with your friend?


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Chaotic,
> 
> You say that you have for a weekend, once or twice a year with your friend. How often do you communicate with her via other means.. like telephone, email, etc.?
> 
> Has your husband overheard you discussing your marital problems and him with your friend?


We don't talk on the phone much, maybe once every month and a half. Emailing and texting depend on what's going on--we might go a few weeks with no contact at all, and then if something exciting/upsetting is happening to one of us, emails and texts might be daily.

I was thinking about how to further explain things, but it would probably turn into pages and pages of "and then he said....and then I said....". In short, I don't think he's overheard us discussing marital problems, but I'm not sure. When he's angry, he accuses me of talking about him to all sorts of people; I always say, "no, of course not, no, I don't talk about us to (whoever)" but when he's thrown her name out I don't say anything, so I'm sure he takes that to mean that in that one case his accusation has hit a target, and he's right. As for everyone else, it's gotten to the point where I make sure to talk to my mom on the phone within his earshot, because if I don't he'll bring it up later and say I was complaining about him.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Everyone needs someone they can confide in, and if your husband is not that person then you have to go to someone else. 

That being said, could your husband view this particular friend as "toxic" to your marriage? If you are both honestly trying to fix things and your friend is one of those who would denigrate your husband and tell you to leave him, I can see why he would have issues with you sharing your one-sided view of the dirty laundry with her. 

I'm not saying that you should not share these things with your friend, but if you really want to save your marriage then choose the friend carefully. Some have their own selfish agendas and there's a lot of truth to the old saying that misery loves company.

Good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you think that it's right when he says her name that you say nothing?

It kind of reminds me of how when you catch a little kids doing something they put their head down and then draw a little circle or something with their foot rather than just speaking of in admitting what they've done and discussing it .
.
I don't know if he's accusing you of speaking to other people just so that he can throw her name in there or has he really believes it. Perhaps it just seems very likely that you talk to someone else about him because he knows he has a lot of issues that are embarrassing to him and that you would likely want to share with someone. And I don't mean share with someone to laugh behind his back with that sort of thing but it seems to me that he has a guilty feeling about his behavior

Seriously though do you think he's getting better lately?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Ok so he's accusing you of talking to many people. Honestly, how often to you make a snide remark or comment about him to your Mom, friends etc....? I mean, out one day shopping or whatever and you spout out a negative comment about him.

He knows he has issues, and he is more than likely embarrassed by his issues. I will tell you this, he does not feel you are a safe person to talk to.

I'll ask you, do you feel he is a safe person to talk to? (Like you could tell him anything)

If not, and you really want to continue being married to him.....put your focus on making this happen with each other and put a friendship aside for now.

Is he worth it?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi Chaotic
For the record I dont feel any partner should be controlled, bullied or threatened. Your H clearly has an issue which is NOT improving. There are some clear triggers going on that need to be sorted by medical and council support. 

It has been suggeseted here about your "friends" attitude to your H.

Lets look at this hypothetically: If your H did hear or see a comment you made about him or your marridge and you have denied it he will keep plaing this over in his head. If the Girlfriend visits and in the slightest gives him any reason to believe that she knows something and her attitude, body language or even smart comment gives him that impression he will naturally put 2 and 2 together. All hes got is a statement he feels in made by you and a friends reaction, its enough to kick him off.

At this stage you need to be 100% sure that his suspicions are unfounded. If they are, excellent. Then you can move to helping him engage with some much needed support, IF, you want this relationship to be brought back on line. He will not be able to go away and do this on his own, its too deeply embedded for that at this stage.

If you find that you have spoke outside the marridge then you need to be open and say so and work to help him leave the subject, and again get the support needed to move on. If thats what you want out of this. Otherwise you are BOTH punishing each other every hour of every day and that is not what a marridge or love based relationship is about


In saying that, you said in some 2 responses previously:
" *In short, I don't think he's overheard us discussing marital problems, but I'm not sure*. "

Im reading that as "We HAVE discussed my marital issue with this friend but I'm not sure" or you comment would have been "he could not have heard anything being discussed as I havent discussed marital issues with my friend"

You said " *but when he's thrown her name out I don't say anything, so I'm sure he takes that to mean that in that one case his accusation has hit a target, and he's right*".

Even if he has heard you only ONCE and you have denied it then he will be on high alert awaiting more denials. The more he hears "I have not" the more he may disbelieve you. 

The fact that you specifically do not deny discussions with your female friend IS telling him that you are not being transparent. His condition is locked in on this and like a dog with a bone it wont let it go. 

The situation just with these 2 statemetns is enough to get under his skin.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Do you think that it's right when he says her name that you say nothing?....
> 
> Seriously though do you think he's getting better lately?
> 
> ...


Answer to first question: no. You're right, it's not. 

Answer to second question: not really. 

I don't know how long anti-anxiety meds take to kick in. Also, I don't think "anxiety" covers all of what's going on between us. Since he started the meds and MC, he has not screamed or sworn at me in anger, and he hasn't thrown or punched anything. The manipulation and disrespect are still there. 

He actually dropped the whole topic that I started this thread with--he doesn't seem worried about this friend at the moment, though I'm going to see her next week. The complaint du jour is that my attempts to assert myself (that's what I'm supposed to be working on, per MC) are "poorly done" and cause me to be snotty and self-centered. As long as I go along with whatever he wants, though, he's sweet as pie and adores me.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

easy_e said:


> Ok so he's accusing you of talking to many people. Honestly, how often to you make a snide remark or comment about him to your Mom, friends etc....? I mean, out one day shopping or whatever and you spout out a negative comment about him.
> 
> He knows he has issues, and he is more than likely embarrassed by his issues. I will tell you this, he does not feel you are a safe person to talk to.
> 
> ...


I'm sure I've made snide remarks now and then, when I'm annoyed. I know he's done the same about me, spouting off now and then to his family. I guess I figured that was just blowing off steam.

No, I do not feel he's a safe person to talk to, and I realize he most likely doesn't feel I am, either.

Is he worth it? I honestly don't know. I was ready to leave a few months ago, and he begged me to give all this another chance, and I'm not sure whether or not I made the right decision.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

*"No, I do not feel he's a safe person to talk to, and I realize he most likely doesn't feel I am, either"*

This is something that both of you really need to talk about in a calm manner. You both need to agree that there are going to be times when either of both will see something that just un-nerves them. about the others actions. 

The meds should kick in for your H within a month. The issue is working with them and not expecting them to be a cure for all evils. That will only cause more issues that its solves. Youve stated that youve seen an improvement in some areas. Have you voiced this to him? It actually is a positive step forward for both of you. he will see that things are starting to work and improve, it may not be complete in your eyes but after all you are the one who will notice changes in the short term.. Even if they are small, they are in the right direction. It will also give you a positive common ground to talk about things. 

You may need then to agree that for BOTH of you talking about any marital issue outside the home except for MC (professional support) is a no go area. That way both of you can start to feel that any sniping, snide remarks etc are potentially reduced and the chances of these are limited. 

When either of you are asked about the issues, because it seems that others are aware you can both agree on a general public statement. That way person interogation of you both will be limied and the chance of slipping up with a comment that can get back to either party is reduced. 

You can both also agree that if asked about the other you will tell each other of the conversation and its content. This may only e done when you both feel comfortable.

The main thing is to communicate without barriers or defenses having to be put in place . These things are not a answer to everything thats wrong but some small steps are better than no steps forward at all?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Medication won't solve all of the problems. He has learned responses that kick in just like all of is have. If his responses are damaging he will have to work on them. But you have some of your own as well. 

If you want to take some time apart to evaluate it could help you both. I think doing so with some clear rules about what each of you needs the other to work on and some objective ways to measure the outcome out would be best. Going away without this probably won't accomplish anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

Obviously, your husband needs to fix his issues. I don't think anyone is going to argue against that.

I will say, I see his point though. My wife and I eventually came to an agreement about that sort of thing.

At first she thought it was crazy that I didn't want her to "confide" in her friends or mother. Which I thought was really odd since she's really a private person.

She knows that my friends and I are typical guys all from the Midwest and south. Meaning we don't talk about anything important. Sports, weather, fishing, etc etc. We never talk about feelings, or problems with our wives or anything like that. 

I asked her though, how would she like it if I asked my buddy about a specific problem we were having for advice. She of course said she wouldn't like that because it's private and between us.

I just said "exactly" and then she realized why I didn't want her to confide in her friends and family. I get that she was just looking for support, but in doing that she would be telling people stuff that is our business and only our business.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A long while back, when my wife was my gf, I used to think she was too controlling for not wanting me to be talking about our relationship problems to my parents. But then one day my mom told me she didn't think I should be doing it so much either, and I started to see the problem. It's like by "venting" you're diverting all your energy off to the side instead of sending it where it should go, into the relationship. You're also avoiding your problems and seeking attention. Plus, as the above poster said, most relationship issues should be private.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

John Lee said:


> A long while back, when my wife was my gf, I used to think she was too controlling for not wanting me to be talking about our relationship problems to my parents. But then one day my mom told me she didn't think I should be doing it so much either, and I started to see the problem. It's like by "venting" you're diverting all your energy off to the side instead of sending it where it should go, into the relationship. You're also avoiding your problems and seeking attention. Plus, as the above poster said, most relationship issues should be private.


I agree to a point in this. Everyone does need to discuss some things with an outsider i.e. Mother brother father etc. 

But and here is the but, there is a line where simple things discussed become personal to the partners and then it needs to stop. CAPTAINSTORMY above has hit the nail square on. 
In a similar situation when I made a comment to my W that personal things including medical things were being discussed with her friend, my W swore that it was was not so. Until I saw a comment about my wife and her menopauseal issue. I had no knowledge of the issue being discussed. When I slipped something in to conversation that would allow her to tell me about it. Nothing was forethcoming. When eventually 2 days later I simply asked "are you worry about xyz" my W denied any issue. until I stated Id seen the comment as she text her firend yet again late at night when we were suppose to be enjoying some "us" time that I saw the comment - She defended the statement saying she needed to talk to her friend. I pointed out what about me? am I involved ina relationship with you and are you sharing delicate info on me as well. She went bright red and claimed "its only her fiend" and shes only told her some of " an issue that I had. So to balance the issue and get her to see some of my point I quickly said "ok, next time I go to the bar with the guys (both male) and x and y are there, Ill ask discuss these menopausal issues you have with them, Im sure they can come up with so great advice for me to give you. You dont mind do you. After all its the same as you talking to your friend."
To add to the point I picked up my cell and started to create a text talking about my Ws issue. She could clearly see what I was saying. I think some of the penny had dropped as she became really angey but of course couldnt say to much as I cited "whats good for the goose is good for the gander". I sent the text, but to ME! She calmed down a little and this allowed me to show her who was getting the text, Me. But I go the message across a little. I have since told her that its never been or will be my intention to speak about personal matter about me, her or us out side our relationship unless the other partner is happy that we have to. I still see her "confiding" and I still feel annoyed, but I have made it clear I will do what I promised and when I do she will see how disrespectful it can be having your personal life spoken about with people who in reality have no right to this emotional disclosure.

Chaotic all I will say is you have to have ultimate trust in your partner, its part of the relationship expectanies. If someone breaches such trust then its hurtful. Someone who feels strongly about such things will take it very hard and will become almost obsessive about it. 

As Ive stated you both need to calmly talk to each other. Say what needs to be said in a manner not meant to offend and agree boundries. You dont even need a councillor or medical professional to do this.

Hope it works out right for both of you


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your husband, and how some of his anxiety issues impact your relationship. He really needs to fix that to help you both move on.

That said, I don't think a tremendous amount of positive things come out of bringing up the negative points in a marriage to a friend who is outside of it. She's going to give you advice/offer opinions on your marriage despite only hearing half of the story. It seems more likely that you'll get an answer you want to hear as opposed to one that may be the most helpful.

It's pretty easy for somebody outside a marriage to get one only side of the story and then say it's time to end it since he can't see how great you are. What does it cost her? Nothing. It's cheap advice she gives to a friend she likes, but whose life she doesn't have to live or rebuild.

You should be able to have friends, and he should never attempt to stop you from hanging out with him so long as he feels secure he won't be run down when you get together.

But otherwise, I'd bet that any marriage counselor worth their salt would say not to do it.

Good luck, and hope all goes well.

SH


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## jennyh80 (Oct 14, 2013)

Lovers come and go but (real) friends are forever.

Definitely do not cut ties with your friend. You've been friends 20 years and she sounds like a keeper. Over three times the time you've known your husband.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The idea is to make your lover the friend you will have forever. I think this statement tells the spouse that he isn't number one in the pecking order. I don't think that is consistent with a good marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennyh80 (Oct 14, 2013)

There is another thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/130266-does-your-man-listen-like-girlfriend.html

Some answers:


> No, he's not a woman, so he doesn't react like women do.





> Men are not generally made for the role of listener.





> My impulse is always "what should be done" "how to fix this" etc.





> My h does't just listen to me, he also "HEARS" me, which is a different thing all together.


This shows it's not always possible to make the husband the friend a woman needs. You can't replace female friends for women.


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