# Ex-wife driving a wedge...



## Surfer Joe

I've been divorced since late 2015. I met a great person in early 2018 and have been dating her for just over one year. It's going well and is, in fact, probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I have 2 small kids (6 and 9). She does not have any of her own.

Me ex's life is a mess. She met a guy a few months after our divorce and he's not a great guy. They've been on the rocks several times...but somehow always come back together. Job issues, money issues and so on.

We share custody/placement 50% of the time - so for my kids - it is a tale of two cities. They go from stable and loving and engaged at my house to dysfunctional and unstable at her house.

My girlfriend feels like she is caught in-between. She feels like my ex will always try to undermine her (g/f's) relationship with the kids and I agree with her - this appears to be how it is. My girlfriend is worried about inserting herself in their lives because she is worried my ex will use her actions to make life more difficult for the kids. There is a lot of questioning and guilt that gets directed at the kids. My girlfriend told me this morning that she feels it might be better for her to be less involved with the kids because she doesn't want to put them in a bad spot. She said she felt our current situation was temporary in the sense that as time progressed - her relationship with the kids would progress - but now she questions whether or not it's good for her to be a part of their lives.

I know she wants to have a relationship with them. She wants that relationship to develop and grow. It's not an issue of her looking for an excuse.

I'm not going to get much help from my ex. I'm doing all I can to assert boundaries and to push back when I feel she oversteps, but a lot of what is happening is stuff we can't see. It's the things that are said to the kids that we don't know about - the little jabs and comments. I don't want to make the kids feel bad. They already deal with way too much.

So...that leaves me and my girlfriend. I want her to know that I value the relationship she has with my kids and that I don't want her to take a step back. I want her to be a part of our lives. I told her all of this when we talked this morning, but I sense she still has a lot of doubt. Will some of this pass on its own? Probably. There was an incident that just happened - so it is fresh in our minds.

Anyway...we're going to keep talking about it, but was wondering/hoping someone around here had some thoughts/advice they could share.


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## Diana7

To be honest when you get together with someone with younger children you take on their kids and their issues as well. Having the parent in your life but not the children isn't an option. Being that you have them 50% of the time and will do for the nest 15 years or so, that isn't likely to change. 

What are the issues that are causing her to feel unsure? How does she think anything will be different in a years time? Or 5 years time?


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## Surfer Joe

Diana7 said:


> *To be honest when you get together with someone with younger children you take on their kids and their issues as well.* Having the parent in your life but not the children isn't an option. Being that you have them 50% of the time and will do for the nest 15 years or so, that isn't likely to change.
> 
> What are the issues that are causing her to feel unsure? How does she think anything will be different in a years time? Or 5 years time?


I agree and I believe she does, too. Here is an example of something that happened very recently. My g/f is a teacher and has worked with young kids for years. My daughter made an innocent (we think) about another child giving her back rubs (my daughter is 6) and we thought it was a good idea to just have a quick chat with both kids about how they own their bodies and if someone touched them and made them uncomfortable that they should tell someone. It was not a very in depth conversation - just really a quick primer on something they've heard several times already at school and at home.

My g/f took the lead on this. My daughter had related the back rubbing story to her - not me. She didn't tell me she was going to bring it up before she did (and maybe she should have), but she cares about kids for a living and her instinct is to speak up when she is concerned. I think (and this is my opinion) that she felt okay to speak up because she's becoming a part of their lives and hopefully working towards being a stepmom and not just their dad's girlfriend. It felt like a leap of faith on her part and I supported it.

My ex got upset, however. She sent several texts the next day saying she was upset that we had this conversation with the kids without consulting her. I did not consult her (and I always do when it is important) because 1) it wasn't a conversation I had planned on having with the kids and 2) it didn't feel like a big deal. It was something they (hopefully) hear on a regular basis at school and at home.

We talked and she calmed down, but she was clear that she felt that my g/f had overstepped and that she needed to know her place.

I have said similar things to her about her b/f - but it was in regards to her b/f punishing our kids (spanking and putting soap in their mouths and on and on) and for also just being a real jerk to them (belittling them and pushing them around).

Anyway, I think my g/f is feeling a little bit stung. I think she feels like she took a chance and put herself out there only to have my ex lash out and slap her on the wrist. Taking it a step further - I think she questions how my ex got the information - were the kids questioned? Were they made to feel bad? I feel like my g/f now feels like 1) she doesn't want to put herself out there again because my ex is not going to change and it hurts to get slapped on the wrist and 2) she's worried about putting the kids in a bad spot.


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## Rowan

It doesn't sound like your girlfriend did anything wrong. Entertaining your ex-wife's ranting about a non-issue and walking on eggshells trying to manage her crazy, is going to destroy your relationship with your girlfriend. And likely any subsequent partners. It's also not good for your children because it perpetuates a level of tension that they neither need nor deserve. 

Honestly, it sounds like you and your ex-wife are just still far too enmeshed. That your ex-wife made a huge deal out of a brief conversation that any caring adult - teacher, grandparent, aunt, youth pastor, counselor, coach, etc. - might have and likely has had with your child, is evidence of that. She clearly still feels she has the absolute right to control everything that goes on in your household when the kids are with you. You're trying to co-parent, when _parallel parenting_ might be a more reasonable solution. While close co-parenting might be the ideal, it's not always achievable. In the absence of abuse, neglect or endangerment, you all might be better off working towards a situation wherein neither you nor your ex-wife are attempting to control what's going on at the other's party's home when they have physical custody. I would talk to a family therapist about effective ways to work toward that end.

You might also talk with your attorney about options for modifying the custody arrangements. It sounds like things are pretty bad at your ex-wife's house. If the new boyfriend's behavior escalates to further abusive tactics, you may need to act quickly to protect your children.


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## 3Xnocharm

You need to learn to stand up to your ex, and stand up FOR your children. When they are at her house, they are being mistreated by her nasty POS boyfriend, and their own mother is treating them like informants and pawns. There is so much wrong going on here, its tough to tell where to start. Do they ever express to you that they dont want to go to her house? I think you need to get in touch with your attorney and let him know what goes on (DOCUMENT EVERYTHING) and see if what course of action you may be able to take. Your GF isnt the issue here... you are going to go through this with every future partner if you dont do something to put a stop to it. If your GF sticks around through all this bullcrap, then you better damn well hold onto her, because she's a keeper. But I wouldnt blame her for bailing on this, sorry to say. She needs to look out for her own well being, too.


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## Diana7

Surfer Joe said:


> I agree and I believe she does, too. Here is an example of something that happened very recently. My g/f is a teacher and has worked with young kids for years. My daughter made an innocent (we think) about another child giving her back rubs (my daughter is 6) and we thought it was a good idea to just have a quick chat with both kids about how they own their bodies and if someone touched them and made them uncomfortable that they should tell someone. It was not a very in depth conversation - just really a quick primer on something they've heard several times already at school and at home.
> 
> My g/f took the lead on this. My daughter had related the back rubbing story to her - not me. She didn't tell me she was going to bring it up before she did (and maybe she should have), but she cares about kids for a living and her instinct is to speak up when she is concerned. I think (and this is my opinion) that she felt okay to speak up because she's becoming a part of their lives and hopefully working towards being a stepmom and not just their dad's girlfriend. It felt like a leap of faith on her part and I supported it.
> 
> My ex got upset, however. She sent several texts the next day saying she was upset that we had this conversation with the kids without consulting her. I did not consult her (and I always do when it is important) because 1) it wasn't a conversation I had planned on having with the kids and 2) it didn't feel like a big deal. It was something they (hopefully) hear on a regular basis at school and at home.
> 
> We talked and she calmed down, but she was clear that she felt that my g/f had overstepped and that she needed to know her place.
> 
> I have said similar things to her about her b/f - but it was in regards to her b/f punishing our kids (spanking and putting soap in their mouths and on and on) and for also just being a real jerk to them (belittling them and pushing them around).
> 
> Anyway, I think my g/f is feeling a little bit stung. I think she feels like she took a chance and put herself out there only to have my ex lash out and slap her on the wrist. Taking it a step further - I think she questions how my ex got the information - were the kids questioned? Were they made to feel bad? I feel like my g/f now feels like 1) she doesn't want to put herself out there again because my ex is not going to change and it hurts to get slapped on the wrist and 2) she's worried about putting the kids in a bad spot.


To be honest I do have to agree to some extent with your ex over this particular issue. It should be one of the parents who talks to their children about things like good and bad touching, not someone who they have only recently got to know. If she was concerned, she should have bought the subject up with you for you to deal with as you thought best. To be honest one little girl giving another little girl a neck rub doesn't seem to be anything to get worried about and certainly wouldn't have caused me to bring up this subject even as a parent. 

In the end she will need to decide whether to accept that you have small children and that your ex will be around for many years and whether she can handle that or not. It wont get any better.


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## Taxman

One thing that I am absolutely adamant. There is no such thing as a parent's SO dishing out corporal punishment. No damn way. I am fine with putting a child in a corner or a timeout, but a non blood related partner of a parent has no business meting out corporal punishment. Aside from all else, the non custodial parent could go ahead and characterize the punishment as assault. So absolutely not.


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## Andy1001

You glossed over the fact that your ex wife’s boyfriend puts soap in your children’s mouths and also spanks them.
What kind of a conflict avoidant man are you?
Are you frightened of him?
I am not a violent person but if anyone did this to my child the next time he seen soap someone else would be washing him with it in the hospital.
Will you at least contact family services about this abusive ******* seeing as you seem too ****ing scared do anything yourself.
And please do not come out with the story that your wife could make custody awkward.
Your children should be your priority not your girlfriend.


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## Marc878

As long as you let your x have control over you and don't implement a hard no contact (limited to kids only, you have your time, then she has hers) you'll never have a relationship. No one wants an X in the mix in any way.

Better wake up


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## sunsetmist

Yes, you are getting advice here. But, since you seem stuck, find an expert who works with children of divorce and blended families. I'm thinking you need extra support behind you. Get several recommendations. Talk to this person individually and with ex if she will come. This is something you both do for the kids. Otherwise, the battle of the family will be long and difficult--changing with kids ages--and detrimental to all involved. You will never have a comfortable new life if you don't take care of this now.


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