# Should I separate? So lost and need some objective advice!



## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi,
I have been married for 12 years and have two children, 9 and 6. I have always had a very up and down relationship with my husband. There was always passion but also intense fighting and financial issues. We have lost our home and continue to have financial struggles. We both work and are trying to clean up the mess of the past which was due to son's health issues, overspending, etc.. I have always been designated to be in charge of finances and also am the one who makes all the emotional effort in the relationship. My husband takes no ownership of his issues or actions and instead, blames me for his lot in life. He has a lot of anger, some is understandable, but at this point, he will say, he has no room for the relationship. He has threatened divorce several times, but when calm, will say he wants to improve the marriage. We have been to therapy in the past; he refuses to go now. He refuses to speak about a plan to improve things. I feel stuck. 
In the past, I would beg him to work it out with me. If he tried to leave, I would beg him to stay. I am different now. I no longer will do that. Recently, I asked if we should separate or cohabitate for now. He laughed me off. I am dead inside, lonely and recently have felt drawn to a friend of mine. This has never happened to me in 12 years. I feel the relationship is dead, but I am fearful of change and how it will impact the kids. He is a good father, but disrespectful to me in front of them. 
Any supportive suggestions are welcome!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A man who is disrespectful to the mother of his children is not a good father. Sorry, he's not.

How do you think that divorce will improve your situation? 

Can your combined income support two homes? I suppose you could do a bankruptcy as part of the divorce, thus leaving a clean slate.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks for your response. We should have done bankruptcy in the past but were advised against it. At this time, we have mostly debt to the IRS. 
I'm terrified about divorce to be honest. I think how it would improve things would be to end the fighting. I feel empty inside around him. In the past, he has accused me of pushing him to marry and pushing him to have children. I have a great deal of resentment and feel I have been emotionally abused. My concerns are dismissed.
Income is an issue for him more than me. I probably could live with my mother until I got on my feet. I worry mostly about the kids...They love him and he is good to them, but my son has begun to say, "Stop fighting. Can't u guys get along?" It is awful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He says that you pushed him to marry and have a child? Have you ever asked him if he's really so weak a man that he cannot even make up his own mind about things? Harsh but true.

You might want to start with individual counseling. You might learn things that can help fix the marriage as well.

I've heard of a book that might help you.. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" .


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Yes, I did say that! So ridiculous! It infuriated me. He says everything he has done in life is to make me happy. He blames me for everything. I'm sick of it. I've been in therapy. Feeling more sure because I have begun to feel better about myself. I'm losing weight and feel more confident.
I don't think he really wants to break up, but he screamed at me at our 10 year wedding anniversary, screaming that I am a nightmare and his life is a nightmare. I'm pretty unhappy. I would just let those things go and move on. It is all catching up with me now.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*. I have always been designated to be in charge of finances and also am the one who makes all the emotional effort in the relationship. My husband takes no ownership of his issues or actions and instead, blames me for his lot in life*
That is really the problem. You think you have been doing him favors. Some people dont want to make decisions and leave it to others so that they have someone to blame (not themselves) when things go wrong. If you do decide to stay with him, this has to be corrected.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

I totally agree, accept. It is a difficult situation and I am processing a lot right now.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

You can't accept disrespect. Simple.

Especially in a relationship.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Yes, I agree, Ken...I am moving forward with the idea of separation. I'm just very scared.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

KenCasanova said:


> You can't accept disrespect. Simple.
> 
> Especially in a relationship.


I'm learning a lot on this board that I hadn't thought of much during the previous years even though it should be common sense. I had an emotional affair on my wife that lasted for several years to one degree or another. Right now we have been living in almost 2 years of hell. She says it's all my fault because of what I did to her (and of course I can't disagree). But she is constantly using abusive language to address me, every four letter word you can imagine. I keep telling her that even though she might feel impressed to use that language that doesn't become a woman of class and it makes me think she has no self respect. And it makes her much less appealing to me. It turns me off in fact.

I guess in our situation it is hard for me to decide what amount of disrespect and verbal abuse I should endure before saying it is enough.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

confusedkimmy said:


> Yes, I agree, Ken...I am moving forward with the idea of separation. I'm just very scared.


Me too. Scared. Mostly because of the kids, but my wife seems so unstable right now that I feel bad for having a role to play in making it worse for her. Kinda a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation.


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