# New Here - Eye Opening Year



## routerx (Aug 20, 2020)

Last fall I caught my wife romantically texting another man while she was standing right next to me. When I called her out on it she said it was just an old flame, nothing to see here. Long story short, she kept doing it and I don't know what the heck was going on. We have children. My world was rocked. Who am I married to? I wondered.
Her behavior has been defensive, always pointing out my sins of the past whenever I tried to bring it up. On the attack she would go. Who is this person?!
So, I stopped probing. Talked to a lawyer and she handed me a book about narcissism (my wife) and co-dependency (me). Oh how much crap I put up with (my fault) in the past and how mean she was (her fault) - always had me on my heels thinking I had some something wrong.
2020 has been the WORST and BEST year of my life.
My wife wants to work things out and stay in the marriage and become VERY scared when she found out I was considering divorce. She no longer is as mean, but the question is, is it an act or is she sincere? Honestly, I think it's an act. That's where I'm at right now. I think I'm living with someone who doesn't love me - I don't think she ever really has. I think she wanted to marry another man and he wasn't available so she settled for me. The other man was the one I caught her texting. 
I'm not sad anymore. Just bummed. Bummed I have kids with someone who is so lame. How lame to marry someone without going all in. Just so pathetic. Where do we go from here? I don't know. Not sure. Good to vent though. Thank you for reading. 
I am making positive changes but every day is hard. Not sure it's worth it to keep this going and not sure this is what is best for the kids. Thinking it may be better if we split, but, taking my time on that decision.
Take care.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

routerx said:


> Last fall I caught my wife romantically texting another man while she was standing right next to me. When I called her out on it she said it was just an old flame, nothing to see here. Long story short, she kept doing it and I don't know what the heck was going on. We have children. My world was rocked. Who am I married to? I wondered.
> Her behavior has been defensive, always pointing out my sins of the past whenever I tried to bring it up. On the attack she would go. Who is this person?!
> So, I stopped probing. Talked to a lawyer and she handed me a book about narcissism (my wife) and co-dependency (me). Oh how much crap I put up with (my fault) in the past and how mean she was (her fault) - always had me on my heels thinking I had some something wrong.
> 2020 has been the WORST and BEST year of my life.
> ...


Keep moving on the divorce... she just realizes that she is about to lose the cake she's been eating.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree, i would make it perfectly clear to her that you are no one's plan b and you would rather divorce her than play second fiddle to her loser ex.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

routerx said:


> Last fall I caught my wife romantically texting another man while she was standing right next to me. When I called her out on it she said it was just an old flame, nothing to see here. Long story short, she kept doing it and I don't know what the heck was going on. We have children. My world was rocked. Who am I married to? I wondered.
> Her behavior has been defensive, always pointing out my sins of the past whenever I tried to bring it up. On the attack she would go. Who is this person?!
> 
> So, I stopped probing. Talked to a lawyer and she handed me a book about narcissism (my wife) and co-dependency (me). Oh how much crap I put up with (my fault) in the past and how mean she was (her fault) - always had me on my heels thinking I had some something wrong.
> ...


With what little you have written, I think just move on with the divorce. 

Tell her to call her lover boy and marry him. 

See, the deal is, there are a lot of unanswered questions that you may want answers to. However, if you are just done with her then be done with her and don't worry about it. 

Some of the questions would be:

1) Was the affair physical, or was it just an emotional affair? 
2) You know it was at least an emotional affair, right? 
3) Does the other man (OM) have a wife or GF? 
4) If you filing for divorce scares her, why? Is it because she is loosing good old plan b (you)?
5) If you are so terrible, why not just divorce, is it because lover boy won't leave his wife for her, or he does not want her at all? 

On one level these questions could make it easier to decide. On another level if you are done, then just finish the divorce and move on...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This was a well-thought out, and well-written thread you have started. 
Keep at it.

Yes, you are spot on.
She sees him, her EX, as the spot she wanted on, with you the spot she fell, sadly on.

Continue on with the divorce.

Consequences lies next to Truth, somewhere in New Mexico.

Anyone's error is not an error unless it burns deeply the perpetrator.

Sadly, her error in marrying you has now burned you; return the favor.

Reverse the error, reverse the marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You were Plan B
She will always desire Plan A

Do yourself a HUGE favor... stop thinking about it and just go for the divorce.

Her “I’m being nice now” act will end very soon.

If you spend all your energy on how, why, did she, am I enough, what for .....etc etc etc... it will only be mental masterbation without a feel good ending.

Don’t fall in the black hole.... get the divorce and move on. Your mental state will be much better and much sooner. Don’t dwell in it. Just get it done.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Router-X's wife, the other man's gal, is not his, nor the other man's.
OP wants the whole package, the other man wants the hole in the donut.

And, I think she knows this, yet hopes-upon-hopes, for otherwise.

Not fair, nor wise, she.

She is soon to lose both, the past wanted man, and the afterthought, with OP, sadly felt dead.
This much she knows, and this is her present dread.

_Gwendolyn-_


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

First of all, it appears on the surface there was more going on than texting. I will use the analogy of an iceberg, that is 10% is above the service that you see, and 90% below the surface. @BluesPower provides some questions you must have answers to. I sense your codependency in your post believe it or not.

At the moment you have more questions than answers. Keep moving forward with the divorce as you can stop it at any time prior to finalization. I would encourage you to ask her to take a polygraph if you have an inclination that you might reconcile. I sense that maybe this could be possible if she comes clean and is remorseful.

I do not sense remorse from your post, I sense regret that she was busted and she may lose her comfortable life. As you move through this process watch what she does, not what she says. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

Beware of the “nice wife” you are experiencing now as most likely she is in damage control mode trying to reel you back in. Read up on the 180 and implement it. Your WW has a long way to go before you even consider reconciliation.
Eyes open my good man.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

routerx said:


> Thinking it may be better if we split, but, taking my time on that decision.


Tis' good, take your time.

Keep in mind_ time_ is the one thing that cannot be bought and there are no do-overs with those painfully felt.......those forever lost, past times.

Time is one of our most valuable gifts. 
Waste it not. 

_THRD-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A past flame is one that is extinguished, is it not?

Both, he and she kept the flame alive.
Kept it alive as an ember, needing only a puff, a blow, a stirring of their yet, hot ashes.

.............................................
Keep in mind, going back to an EX is often the easiest of affairs. 
Both have met each other in person, and in the flesh.
It is not a new thing, it is a continuation of what, once was, a reality.
.............................................

It will soon be a year, soon comes the 1st anniversary of her betrayal. Has she continued talking to him?
Are you sure?

So many ways, so many means to do this on the sly.

We can always forgive someone their trespasses, but we need not stand close, stand by, live in remembrance of them................ forever.


_The Typist-_


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## routerx (Aug 20, 2020)

Thanks for the responses. Does she continue to contact him? I don't think so, based on how scared she became a few months ago when she realized I may be leaving her. That being said, I'm not naive enough to think she won't again. I have been finding that the stronger I become -- the less co-dependant -- has equated to her actions not hurting me as much. If I view her as someone who is weak and unethical, instead of my abuser, then she looks to me like someone who has deep issues. She is someone who needs help (but may not take it). To be clear, I support her, never have verbally or physically abused her, have given her money hand over fist (that HAS stopped and she's on a tight budget now). We have three children under the age of 14, so divorce truly is the last option and not one I'm seriously considering at this time but that could change in an instant if she betrays me again. If I find out she meets with him or anyone for that matter, then yes, I really have no choice, but right now I'm getting counseling on how to eliminate my codependency, which led to ALOT of the problems. Once I address my personal issues, then I can make a rational decision about the future. The reality is I let her step on me personally and financially. She has anger inside not just for me but for others (typically men in general). I plan to defend myself but then give it a shot at peeling away the onion on her anger. I made a vow for better or worse - and this is the worse for sure - so I just want to make sure I've exhausted all options before ending it. I will say how disappointed I am in my pastor. He knew we were on the verge of divorce and he has never asked or followed up with me. I'm also disappointed in my family who knew of the issues but keep an arm's length away. You truly find out who cares about you in the worst of times. I just found out it HAS to be me and me alone. Counselors are fine, but they do it for the money


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

routerx said:


> Counselors are fine, but they do it for the money


At least with a counselor you know what their motive is.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

routerx said:


> Thanks for the responses. Does she continue to contact him? I don't think so, based on how scared she became a few months ago when she realized I may be leaving her. That being said, I'm not naive enough to think she won't again. I have been finding that the stronger I become -- the less co-dependant -- has equated to her actions not hurting me as much. If I view her as someone who is weak and unethical, instead of my abuser, then she looks to me like someone who has deep issues. She is someone who needs help (but may not take it). To be clear, I support her, never have verbally or physically abused her, have given her money hand over fist (that HAS stopped and she's on a tight budget now). We have three children under the age of 14, so divorce truly is the last option and not one I'm seriously considering at this time but that could change in an instant if she betrays me again. If I find out she meets with him or anyone for that matter, then yes, I really have no choice, but right now I'm getting counseling on how to eliminate my codependency, which led to ALOT of the problems. Once I address my personal issues, then I can make a rational decision about the future. The reality is I let her step on me personally and financially. She has anger inside not just for me but for others (typically men in general). I plan to defend myself but then give it a shot at peeling away the onion on her anger. I made a vow for better or worse - and this is the worse for sure - so I just want to make sure I've exhausted all options before ending it. I will say how disappointed I am in my pastor. He knew we were on the verge of divorce and he has never asked or followed up with me. I'm also disappointed in my family who knew of the issues but keep an arm's length away. You truly find out who cares about you in the worst of times. I just found out it HAS to be me and me alone. Counselors are fine, but they do it for the money


I am just wondering... Exactly how many times does she need to betray you? 1, 2, 18, is there a number that you are ok with. 

You really don't know any thing about anything she did. And you don't know because you don't want to know or you would have to make a decision. 

I get that you are working on your CD, so maybe it is a good idea that you get stronger there. 

But I advise you to not let this go too long. 

Think about it like this, lets say that you get better and become non-codependent, and 3 years later, for some reason you start to think.... "What exactly was going on there?"

Years later is not the time to find out that she has been banging several guys for a few years... That will do a number one your head. 

I am not saying that any of this is remotely true, I am saying that you DON'T KNOW... 

That is a problem.


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