# Infidelity - deal breakers?



## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

What would you do if your spouse had an affair with someone who had basically the same first name and it was carrying on during the time of your anniversary? Would you be able to get past this if the other spouse appeared to come clean and seemed to be committed to saving the marriage?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did this happen to you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> What would you do if your spouse had an affair with someone who had basically the same first name and it was carrying on during the time of your anniversary? Would you be able to get past this if the other spouse appeared to come clean and seemed to be committed to saving the marriage?


What do you mean by "basically?"

Like if you were married to someone called Joe and your wife had an affair with someone called Joel, for example?


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes...and without using the same names-something like Annabelle and Anna.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The marriage would be over, and the name would be the least of the reasons why.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Depends.

EA or PA (full stop for me right here)?

Did he/she "come clean" only after being confronted w/ knowledge of the affair or completely of his/her own volition? In the case of the latter, what prompted it?

Was the affair ongoing at the time of confront/confession? Is it now?

Did the WS and OM/OW see each other on the actual anniversary?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Affair has stopped. Came clean. It wasn't on the actual anniversary but same week.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

Affair stopped before the confession


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

To be clear, which of the two of you confessed to the affair?

And would I be correct in thinking that this is an affair that you hadn't previously mentioned in your other thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

No -same affair mentioned in previous thread.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do you *want* your marriage to be over?

If not it might be best to ignore the song of the Sirens who are calling you over to their rocks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> Affair has stopped. Came clean. It wasn't on the actual anniversary but same week.


Hmmm. That might have figured into how the affair ended.

"Oh, yes, just had sex with my lover. Gee! This is the week of our anniversary! What do I get for this year? I... Oh, sh*t! It's our annivesary and I had sex with someone else? 

:wtf: What was I *thinking*? I wasn't thinking. The affair is over, now.

"I'll have to confess. I hope he can forgive me."


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

No, I don't WANT my marriage to be over - it's just hard to get past those details.


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## jd1116 (Jun 10, 2016)

To also add details we were techically separated at this time as well but had not officially decided anything. The affair was going on at the time we decided to separate- obviously secretly.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Look let's put the cards on the table, you both came into this marriage with less then honest and trustworthy pedigree, you were both affair partners, now both of you have had varying degree of an affair on each other, so any trust between the two of you is extremely thin. So what you guys have to do is truly be honest with each other and ask the other one if they are truly in love, as well as ask yourself, and then commit with making this marriage work. you remind me of the MAD old cartoon of spy vs. spy, where you are both trying to deceive the other while still looking clean. look, if you want to wash the past then do so and re-commit to the marriage or separate and go your own way, but these games are doing no good to either of you.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Those details seem rather trivial. Like, "I really want to get over this affair and move past this so we can start working on healing our marriage, but, his name was too similar to mine..."

Sounds to me like you want to fix your marriage but also hold this sliver of resentment for letting it go.

Feel this sh¡t, acknowledge the whole bucket of bullsh¡t, it really sucks. Just keep in mind that you can, at any time, walk away from reconciliation. You have every right to walk away at any time, even when things are 100% better.


Sent from my Z936L using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jd1116 said:


> To also add details we were techically separated at this time as well but had not officially decided anything. The *affair was going on at the time we decided to separate-* obviously secretly.


Then you weren't technically separated, you were fully in your marriage. Yes, your marriage was in trouble, but unless she was purely out trawling for sex, which could be what happened, she was already in an emotional affair which contributed to the separation.

This is you trying to give your wife an out.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Betrayal, Deceit, No Remorse = Divorce


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

The name has nothing to do with anything. 

What you need to focus on is that there WAS an affair. 

The fact that it was close to your anniversary does add a little salt to the wound, but you could correlate ANY date to it. “It was close to Christmas”. “It was close to our daughters birthday”. And it would still hurt.

The name means nothing.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Agreed with other posters here, why does the name even matter?

FWIW, if my wife cheated it would be over, the marriage would be too broken to even bother fixing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jd1116 said:


> No -same affair mentioned in previous thread.


So this would be _your_ most recent affair?

And it turns out that OM has a name similar to your husband's name...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think I'd care what the OM's name is, it would just make it more creepy. But either an EA or PA and I'm all done, the details don't matter.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Then you weren't technically separated, you were fully in your marriage. Yes, your marriage was in trouble, but unless she was purely out trawling for sex, which could be what happened, she was already in an emotional affair which contributed to the separation.
> 
> This is you trying to give your wife an out.


To be clear, I believe that OP is the WW.

Based on her other thread, she and her current husband met and became involved w/ each other while they were each married to their previous spouses, and then divorced and married each other.

Additionally, he cheated on her w/ someone else before they married, but since they weren't married at the time, he didn't (and still doesn't) consider it cheating.

More recently she had another affair in which she met w/ OM on several occasions, yet claims that no actual PIV occurred because "he couldn't".

So I'm guessing that this most recent affair is the one that we're all sort of dancing around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> To be clear, I believe that OP is the WW.
> 
> Based on her other thread, she and her current husband met and became involved w/ each other while they were each married to their previous spouses, and then divorced and married each other.
> 
> ...


Typical affair relationship. They don't even resemble real marriages so I don't even like to use the term "marriage" to describe them.

But why should any of this bother either one of them in the least ~ if you love them you should want your {affair} partner to be happy, right? You both can have a spouse AND lovers on the side ~ the ideal solution for two selfish people ~ successfully protecting the world from either one of them.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> What would you do if your spouse had an affair with someone who had basically the same first name and it was carrying on during the time of your anniversary? Would you be able to get past this if the other spouse appeared to come clean and seemed to be committed to saving the marriage?


similar, not quite the same.....
my daughter in laws name has one additional letter beyond the name of my inappropriate lady friend. I think my wife has not ever been bothered by it, while I struggled with the similarity for a while after I cut off contact with the friend. It is obviously doable.....you just may have to work at it a bit.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Regardless of the circumstances, I'd expose it to the world and dump the cheater. Life is too short to eat that sh*t.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Wouldn't matter to me at all. You cheat on me then you are out the fVcking door.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Deal breaker all the way ~ no questions asked! 

Spouse can expect to find their personal items in disarray on the front porch!

And with all of the door/window locks meticulously changed out! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There are a few successful dual home wreckers on LS. They never skip chance on extolling the virtues of "following your desires." These women are like rock stars over there, new WWs hanging on to their post as hope that they too can blow up their marriages to chase after their MM to convince him to do the same to his family. 

The few that hit the adultery lotto and win their MM, most likely end up like OP. Repeatedly cheating on each other. For OP to be going to hotels and backseats with a man then start a thread about her husband cheating on her before they married is rich. The sad thing is they brought another kid into this mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jd1116 said:


> What would you do if your spouse had an affair with someone who had basically the same first name and it was carrying on during the time of your anniversary? Would you be able to get past this if the other spouse appeared to come clean and seemed to be committed to saving the marriage?


For me if it was a physical affair, the marriage would be over. There would be no contrition that would make me reconsider. For me, once that line is crossed, there is no return.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Betrayal, Deceit, No Remorse = Divorce





The Middleman said:


> For me if it was a physical affair, the marriage would be over. There would be no contrition that would make me reconsider. For me, once that line is crossed, there is no return.


*To a certain extent, you are right! But the EA leading up to the PA can be so much more irreparably damaging!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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