# The Story of Dig



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I figured I would write my entire story, history and all, in one thread to be concise. Kind of like Almostrecovered did, but without the great writing style he has!

My biological father left the family when I was 3. It was because he was having an affair and my Mom found out about it when the OW got pregnant. She divorced him and he totally disowned his entire family for siding with my Mom. I've never seen him since, even though we live less than 20 miles away from each other and have for four decades. 

Mom got remarried to a real winner the next time. They were married for 17 years and after I counted, he had 15 jobs during that time. He was pretty abusive to me verbally and slightly physically as well...until I got older, that is. I was the constant brunt of his anger. My brother didn't suffer it as much because he was 5 when my biological father left and I think he needed "Daddy". I did not. Heck, I just didn't want a father. I had my grandfather who I still look up to when I measure what a good father/man is. I have a few uncles that I picture as well.

Between the ages of 8 and 11, I was sexually abused by a babysitter. She was 15 when it began. I had no idea about the reality of what happened until I started IC back in the early 90's when dealing with my ex-wife's infidelity and other personal issues. It came up because the pyschiatrist asked me if I could recall my first "girlfriend". I told him about the girl and when I was finished...I knew where I had gone with things. It was a tragic few days that I will never forget as I remembered all of the crap I went through. It still pains me at times to think of.

But...I don't want to get ahead of myself here.

We moved out of my home state in '80 and it was pretty tough. Going from a small town to a capital city was crazy, but middle school and high school were pretty normal as could be for a kid who listened to punk rock in the early 80's. I dressed the part, but also wound up in the National Honor Society. I always figured one didn't have to look a certain way to be "good". Well...I still think that way even if it is a bit naive! I had a high school sweetheart, who I'm still friends with on Facebook and I remember the day we broke up when she left for college (she was a year ahead of me). At the end of my senior year, I met my ex-wife. We dated for quite a while but it was always filled with drama of teenage angst. 

We broke up in '88 and I moved back to my home state when my Mom finally left my step-father. I don't even like writing that cuz he was in no way a father to me. Anyway, I decided that Mom needed to get back home to family, so I packed up my '79 Mustang and told her we were going home. Problem with my small town back home was that it used to be a mill town. You know the one. Gramps worked there...uncles worked there...fathers worked there...so too, shall you! Well, I couldn't do that, so I spent the summer working at an amusement park and when it was over, I joined the Army. Incidentally, '88 is when I first started riding street motorcycles, something that to this day is part of my daily life. There's nothing like a good ride to soothe the soul.

Fort Benning Infantry with Airborne was exciting for a 20 year old. I enjoyed most of my training except for the usual sh-t storms that happened daily to a recruit. A few weeks before graduation, we were on a field training exercise. Hanging out with some buddies for morning chow, formation was called and we threw our rucksacks over our shoulders and grabbed our weapons. Running to formation, I jumped over a small log in the middle of the trail. Somehow, I landed wrong and suffered a third degree inversion sprain. It was pretty bad. After 2 months in a cast and then 3 months of rehab, they told me I wouldn't pass a PT test any time soon. I got the boot. I was horrified! I needed the GI Bill for college.

I couldn't go back home!! There was nothing there.

So, I got a ticket for my other home and went back to my girlfriend. That tulmultuous relationship was so toxic, I wish to F I knew it. We got married in '94 and separated in '95 when I found out she was having an affair. We tried to reconcile. I moved into an apartment and she stayed in our house. One afternoon, she stopped by my office to ask if we could talk later. I told her sure and that I'd be home around 6:30. Honestly, I was happy to talk cuz that usually meant I'd get a piece after. Just being honest here.

At 7:30 she was a no show. At 8, I called her mother's house and got no answer. I called her aunt (who introduced her to her OM) and she wasn't home either. I figured maybe they went to the aunt's bar, so I jumped on my motorcycle and rode a few miles to the bar. I saw her car (which I paid for) parked out front and got pissed. I parked on a side street and went through the back entrance. It's funny now that I can see the worker's faces as I walked in. They knew who I was...and they knew what was about to happen.

But I didn't see it coming.

There she was...sitting at the bar with her arm draped over this guy's shoulder ~ her eye on the front door. I tapped her on the shoulder and they both turned around. The guy immediately turtled when he saw me. She just kind of gave me a defiant look. I smiled and asked, "What are you doing?" She didn't respond. I asked if we could go outside to talk about what was going on...always staying in control of my emotions and not getting loud or angry. She just looked at me and said, "No." I stood there for about 10 seconds. Everything I thought about life and love was crushed. 

I slowly took my ring off and the only emotion that came out was when I slammed it on the bar between her and the other guy. I looked deeply into her eyes and softly stated, "Then you just married yourself a f'ng bar."

I walked out the front door without another word. I got on the motorcycle and took off. I'll never forget the feeling of going back to my apartment as I went over a long bridge and how simple it would be to just point the wheel to the side and stop feeling. It was overwhelming. I could see myself flying over and into the river 100' below.

I fought through my tears on that ride home and I resolved myself to one thing: To get the hell out of state and go back to my family. It took me a couple years before I did that, though, however I didn't try to work things out with my ex. I was hurt...but I was over it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I moved back home in '98 and got back into life in a small town. Going out with cousins and friends to the bar and drinking all night. It was great. No. Actually, it wasn't. The only good part was hooking up with one of my cousins and starting a 2 piece band. He's an out of this world guitarist and I was a semi-good singer. We had TONS of fun gigging around the area.

I met Regret in '99 through means that I can't describe as it is kind of unique and anyone who knows us would certainly break our anonymity. Let's just say it was a great set-up! My immediate thought was how stunningly beautiful Regret was and that there was no way some schmuck like me would ever get a date with her. Well, I did. Our first time out we simply met up at a bar at 11pm (after meeting each other that night). We each had one drink and simply talked until 3am. It was unicorns and rainbows, man!!

When I got home I called her and left a message about how I enjoyed meeting her. She called me back around 4am. We talked briefly and decided that we should try a real date sometime. I was amazed. I was awestruck. I mean, I had dated quite a few girls between my divorce and meeting Regret, but there was just something about her.

We got married in 2000. Oh...our anniversary is this Sunday!  I worked in an office building doing finacial stuff. It paid the bills but dear God it was boring as all get out. I decided I 
wanted to go to pilot training and talked to Regret about it. After a long talk, we decided that we wanted to have a family and I'll never forget her saying, "You have 1 year to get this done."

I did it in 7 months. Got my private, instrument, commercial and flight instructor ratings within 3 months by flying 10 hours a day and studying constantly. I was intense. I also had moved about 2500 miles away from home AND Regret, who was working on her Masters that summer and that was another factor of "Time is of the essence" in my head. I moved home and started instructing at a local school. Less than 6 months later I talked to the cheif pilot and got an interview to fly for the charter department. I was hired less than a year after getting my commercial rating. I was ecstatic as was Regret. What a dream come true!!

I won't bog the story down with every detail but it was a quick progression - twin piston for 6 months and upgraded to turbo-prop. Six months after learning the King Air turbo-prop, I was asked to fly a small jet. I remember thinking "could this really be happening?!!". I flew that jet for the owner for a year and a half until he bought a bigger jet. I had done well with the owner and he and his wife wanted me on his new jet. So...another flight school and flight training. Yes!! Living the dream. I flew that jet for 2 years and was offered to fly an even bigger jet, a Gulfstream. I went to training on that and flew a one year contract and then went back to my original owner on the 2nd jet. I flew that jet for 6 years and left in October 2011 when...I just had enough.

I had enough of being on call. I had enough of being away from home. I had enough of not seeing my family. I had enough of never having time to myself and could never plan for anything in my personal life.

Backtracking for a moment, when I was flying that first jet - I was in Utah, about 2000 miles from home. It was Halloween and I remember calling Regret before she went to meet up with our friends to take our son out for candy gathering. She sounded a bit off, but I figured it was normal as she was a few months pregnant. She called me back a couple hours later very concerned. She was spotting and was obviously worried. I was so far away and was powerless. All I could do was assure her all was fine. She set an appointment for her doctor for the following morning.

I will never forget the sound of her voice when she called me the next morning. We had lost the baby. I was broken. However, I had to fly home that afternoon, so at least I would be home with her. Again, I reassured her that all would be okay and that I would see her soon. I told my co-captain what happened. He offered to fly the jet, but I said I needed to do something to occupy myself. I steeled myself in that flight. Every aspect of it.

The fallout from the miscarriage was hard. Regret withdrew. I tried to talk to her...tried to fix it...I just couldn't. After almost a year, I began to withdraw. I walked on the proverbial egg
shells around her, not knowing how she would react to anything. Yet, in the interim, we got pregnant again and our spirits were somewhat lifted ~ even though our true line of communication had been severed. I found solace in Battlefield2...an online wargame and then got into World of Warcraft. It was my escape when I was home. There was no real talking going on. It was routine whenever I was there. We would watch TV until about 9pm and Regret would go upstairs to bed. I would get on my game. End of night.

Later, WoW helped me when I was on the road so much. I had a few co-pilots I flew with who were overly philanderous. It was too much for me. Hey, I enjoy going out and having a good time at all our stops...but they went way overboard. That was something I was never willing to compromise on. Fidelity. Oh...I had my chances. More than once. I walked away. So, the gaming gave me an excuse to not go to the bars or hang out by the pools. I didn't care what any of them thought of a 40 something playing a game. It was my escape.

To say that I had no idea that Regret was having an affair is an understatement. Yes, I asked her once outright if there was anyone else and that was when she held my face in her hands and said, "No, Dig. You are the only one in my life. You are the only one that will ever have me and my heart". I was away from home so much, I didn't even notice. Then again, I never thought for a moment that she was capable of such betrayal and deception. Truth is, she was masterful.

The summer of 2011 I was finished with flying. After going through my logbooks, I had realized that out of 10 years of flying professionally, I had spent 4 of those years in a hotel, somewhere away from home. I had become so angry at the way the company treated the pilots and worse...the airplanes themselves. Yeah, imagine that. I wrote up my jet for weeks on end saying there was something not right with one of the engines. It would lose between 2% - 5% power on take-off. They couldn't figure it out. After arguing for 2 months, the engine almost bit me in the a$$ and was literally moments from ending my co-pilot and 6 passengers along with me. I grounded it. I was looked at as the bad guy by the company, too!! Sound familiar? Almost like when the BS gets blamed 
for outing an affair? Yeah, I thought that was funny, too.

So, I left in October 2011. It was out of the blue not only to the company, but to Regret. She knew I wasn't happy. She supported that I wasn't happy but told me I needed to make sure that we were set financially before I left - in other words, have another job. Which I didn't do. I didn't care. It wasn't about the money! It was about seeing my family and being home and NOT dying in some stupid f'ng jet because the company didn't want to investigate/spend money on maintenence. I missed them so much.

I was finally home. I was able to wake up with my family, make breakfast for the kids and put them on the bus instead of Regret dropping them off at our daycare provider and picking them up after school. I was able to have dinner with them. Every night! I was able to sleep in our bed with Regret and wake up with her every day. It was what I needed. But Regret was angry. Very angry. I hadn't consulted with her prior to making the final decision to leave. Yes, she had every right to be upset, but man...she was ANGRY. We started doing date nights together once a month. I thought things were going well because of that. I thought we were finally talking and I felt like our love was being rekindled. I had stopped playing online games before I quit, so I never did that after I quit flying.

How wrong I was.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Between October 2011 and March 6, 2012, Regret saw the xOM 3 times.

And I thought everything was so great. As a matter of fact, March 2, we had what I thought was the best date night ever. We went out for dinner and a couple drinks and really hit it off. I had no idea that she had texted him while sitting across the couch from me that afternoon...letting him know that the hotel for their Tuesday get together was all set. Again, I thought it was a great night.

The following Monday, for whatever reason, I looked at her cell phone after she went to sleep. I saw 5 texts between her and the xOM. I was a bit confused because the name that came up was both his and his wife's name. It was the content that was odd. He asked if they were still a go for their meeting. She said "yup". Then another text he said, "I'm having trouble concentrating at work..." I thought that was odd, and wondered who it was she was talking to. But I didn't ask. I had a lot on my plate because the next day I was meeting with a lawyer to sign papers for an LLC that a friend and I were starting.

Tuesday, March 6, Regret had a meeting after work. She told me she might not get out until 8pm. I thought that was a bit long, but her position for that meeting was a pretty important one. So, I didn't ask.

Regret got home a little after 8pm that night and gave me a hello kiss. We sat down and watched our favorite show on DVR...something we always did (and still do). She said she was tired and gave me a kiss goodnight. I told her I would be up shortly, because the business I was starting was opening the following morning and I needed a good night's rest. I decided to watch TV til 10 or so, and then turned off my laptop. Immediately, I was upset with myself because I wanted to check my email for business stuff first but just forgot. Instead, I saw Regret's laptop open and on and decided I could just use hers real quick. I opened up gmail and went to log her out and hesitated. Something told me to scroll down just a bit.

There...just a few emails down was a receipt for a hotel 30 or so miles away. I opened it up and looked at it.

Check-in: 3/6

My heart stopped beating. I couldn't move. I stared at it and couldn't look away.

Then I stood up and raced into the kitchen where her cell phone was plugged in. I opened up the text messages and the ones that were there the day before were gone. Totally erased. But because my mind has a knack for remembering minute details, I remembered his name.

I went upstairs to our room with her laptop. Her clock read 10:34. Regret was fast asleep. I dropped the laptop on her lap and she sat up with a start. I asked her to look at it. She did and said she had no idea what it was and that it MUST be some kind of mistake. I said okay then who is X (xOM's name). She said nothing. I took off my lounging pants and started putting on my jeans. I looked her in the eyes as I did so and said, "You know what I'm doing, right?" She could only reply, "Yes."

I walked downstairs for my sneakers and sat on the couch. I couldn't get up. I didn't know where I was going to go at 11pm. I thought about the bar I am known at, but just didn't think that would be a good place to go. I thought of my friend's house...the one who I had partnered up with on the LLC, but then figured he would be asleep. Regret came downstairs. I lit into her. Not loudly though. But viciously. I told her I wanted the truth. At first she denied things...blamed me for a lack of intimacy and said that it had happened a long time ago. Yet, here I was with a hotel receipt for THAT NIGHT! 

I told her to get her phone and give it to me. She did as I asked. I texted the xOM. Confronted him with some choice words (I've written what was said in another thread).

We stayed up unti about 1am. I told her that if I was going to sleep in our bed with her that she had better go take a shower. I also told her that the dress she had worn, the bra and her panties needed to be in the trash immediately. I woke up at 4am to write her a letter about how I felt. I never went back to bed.

It was days before my head started to even think somewhat straight. My mind reels still when I think of those initial days after Dday. I didn't have the luxury of TAM or anything like it. I didn't know of the 180 or any of the e-books that are recommended here. I wish I had them. They may have helped me a bit.

This is where we are now. Regret has finally given me all of the details I need to move forward with reconciliation. She has done a lot of heavy lifting and shown true remorse and recognition of the pain she caused not only me, but US. This is gonna take years to get through. Each of us understands that. It's definitely a marathon. An ultra-marathon.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

No matter how many times I read it, your story upsets me  (the details, even more)

Do you think you have a problem with the women you pick out in general ? I literally cringed at the part where you described Regret's beauty. Often the BS describes his WW as a woman of great beauty. Why do you think it is?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> No matter how many times I read it, your story upsets me  (the details, even more)
> 
> *Do you think you have a problem with the women you pick out in general ? *I literally cringed at the part where you described Regret's beauty. Often the BS describes his WW as a woman of great beauty. Why do you think it is?



That's the prominent thought that popped into my head too.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I absolutely have thought about and addressed in therapy "picking out" the women in my life. I think even though I was introduced to Regret by a mutual friend (read that as I didn't see her and pursue her), she certainly fit my mold. Oddly enough, I've never been attracted to blondes. Mom was a brunette, my first wife was a brunette. THAT is honestly what I dealt with way back in the 90's was the similarity between my ex and my Mom. Heck, I even remember saying to the one who introduced us that I wasn't attracted to blondes.

Until I saw her.

As for deeper issues regarding choices of women in my life, I think that would get extremely involved, but I would be more than happy to give it thought for posting.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Seems you've been cheated since your childhood and throughout your marriages. Reading your posts I thought I was through but I didn't see you had 3, but after reading every one, my anger left and sadness came. I would say "I worked my rear off for this?!" and left. Its so tough to R, props to you!


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Dig, there is a lot of pain in that story. But more strength.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Seems you've been cheated since your childhood and throughout your marriages. Reading your posts I thought I was through but I didn't see you had 3, but after reading every one, my anger left and sadness came. I would say "I worked my rear off for this?!" and left. Its so tough to R, props to you!


THAT...right there CJS...that has been one of the biggest issues I've had with Regret. She _knew_ all of the crap since childhood that I've lived with. She knows the struggles I've had and pain I've powered through. That she would continue that cycle is heart breaking. Yet, as I've said many times before ~ I love her.



Harken Banks said:


> Dig, there is a lot of pain in that story. But more strength.


Thanks, man. I feel strong after writing and reading all of that. Matter of fact, I feel so strong that I'm gonna leave the house a few minutes early for my golf league. TODAY...is gonna be my best round ever!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

nice outline, now let's flesh this out into an 11 page epic


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

AR... Every man must know his limitations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I absolutely have thought about and addressed in therapy "picking out" the women in my life. I think even though I was introduced to Regret by a mutual friend (read that as I didn't see her and pursue her), she certainly fit my mold. Oddly enough, I've never been attracted to blondes. Mom was a brunette, my first wife was a brunette. THAT is honestly what I dealt with way back in the 90's was the similarity between my ex and my Mom. Heck, I even remember saying to the one who introduced us that I wasn't attracted to blondes.
> 
> Until I saw her.
> 
> As for deeper issues regarding choices of women in my life, I think that would get extremely involved, but I would be more than happy to give it thought for posting.



Well it doesnt matter i feel She is special to you and thats easy to see especially with what you have gone through In reading your story and hers I keep thinking what others have said about how God gives the BS the power to chose what they feel is the right thing to do meaning their are no spiritual consequences for recovery or divorce if a married person wants to recover then so be it if they want divorce well who could blame them however its also like damn we all have done stuff that we arent so proud of you would hardly be human if you hadnt. I applaud both of yall in your quest for recovery and hopefully regret can work through these deep seated issues and become a whole person it seems that is what she wants and I applaud you for standing by and working on yourself and not acting out 

Good Luck Guys


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

WOW Dig, read it all and if you knew me well you would know that is a major deal, EI knows what I mean, it's an ADHD thing.

You have had some tough breaks, wow..but I think the toughest and it made my heart literally race when I read it was this:



> "There...just a few emails down was a receipt for a hotel 30 or so miles away. I opened it up and looked at it.
> 
> Check-in: 3/6
> 
> My heart stopped beating. I couldn't move. I stared at it and couldn't look away."


I fought back tears my friend, Ok, I couldn't fight them back..God I know how bad that hurt. I can still feel the pain all too well of learning for the first time my wife was with another man.

I congratulate you on overcoming so many obstacles, and having a dream, flying, and going for it and getting it. Then having the ability to give it all up, WOW. 

I applaud you for your courage and strength to go for R with Regret. I wish you two the absolute best.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Amazing story.

Especially when you mention about how she knew about your abusive past, and she still did what she did. That is similar to my story.. you are truly blessed, or should I say, "she" is truly blessed to have the love for each other as you do. 

I feel that true remorse, and true forgiveness are gifts to treasure.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Well it doesnt matter i feel She is special to you and thats easy to see especially with what you have gone through In reading your story and hers I keep thinking what others have said about how God gives the BS the power to chose what they feel is the right thing to do meaning their are no spiritual consequences for recovery or divorce if a married person wants to recover then so be it if they want divorce well who could blame them however its also like damn we all have done stuff that we arent so proud of you would hardly be human if you hadnt. I applaud both of yall in your quest for recovery and hopefully regret can work through these deep seated issues and become a whole person it seems that is what she wants and I applaud you for standing by and working on yourself and not acting out
> 
> Good Luck Guys


Thanks very much, man. That means a lot to hear.



betrayed1 said:


> WOW Dig, read it all and if you knew me well you would know that is a major deal, EI knows what I mean, it's an ADHD thing.
> 
> You have had some tough breaks, wow..but I think the toughest and it made my heart literally race when I read it was this:
> 
> ...


Dude...you just made me feel so humble that I am pretty misty eyed. Yeah, I followed my (our) dream of me becoming a pilot. Achieved what I never and a lot of others thought was possible. And I gave it all up for one thing: Love of family.

You just brought it home to me again, brother.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Amazing story.
> 
> Especially when you mention about how she knew about your abusive past, and she still did what she did. That is similar to my story.. you are truly blessed, or should I say, "she" is truly blessed to have the love for each other as you do.
> 
> I feel that true remorse, and true forgiveness are gifts to treasure.


They absolutely are, Numb. I know your story and it breaks my heart. We...are truly blessed.

In our journal, Regret asked me why I stayed. I gave her a very lengthy answer. But the end, and I'll summarize was this: "After seeing our son almost die when he was born, and then watching you almost die in front of me when our daughter was born. I knew that we were blessed and by the Grace of God we were all brought together...and by the Grace of God I did not walk out that door."


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

> "After seeing our son almost die when he was born, and then watching you almost die in front of me when our daughter was born. I knew that we were blessed and by the Grace of God we were all brought together...and by the Grace of God I did not walk out that door."


Fascinating.

You watched two physically near death experiences from your son, and Regret. That is sad.
What is even more sad is that a part of your soul died due to the infidelity.

What is most important is all have survived and are well..and getting better.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Today is one of those days where the tears just keep coming. I've been crying all damn day. It started earlier when I was shopping in Kohl's and read your story (on my new Smart Phone.)

You, B1, Harken, Calvin, and others, here, touch my heart and break my heart all at the same time. The love that each of you feel for your wives is so apparent, yet the pain that you are in because of the actions of your wives is so real, so palpable and so intense. I have asked B1 several times in the last few weeks if he might have been happier if I had simply left him or if I had died. In the months leading up to my affair I had a lot of "dark thoughts." I never seriously considered taking my life because I could not willingly leave my children, but when you go to bed at night and pray that you don't wake up in the morning you know that you have to make a change. I would not have taken my own life, but I thought about dying, or not existing, every day. Although my affair did bring a dopamine high that I quickly became dependent on, I never stopped having those feelings of wishing that I simply "did not exist" even during the affair. So, tonight, once again, I asked B1 if he might be in less pain right now if I had left him or if I had died, and it brought tears to his eyes and he said that although he is hurting so much that it feels unbearable, at times, that he cannot imagine his life without me, now, because I am his life. I feel the same about him. He is my life.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you SS, for recognizing that. Our son was less than 15 hours old when they feared he had a heat issue and gave us 30 minutes with him. Regret had an emergency C section and couldn't move too well. They brought him to a Neo Natal emergency center 49 miles away. She couldn't leave. It was heart wrenching. Then she hemmoraged with the c section with our daughter right in front of my eyes. I saw her blood pressure drop to 90 over 40. That's when they lead me out of the ER. 

Her affair has nothing on that. No matter the F what. Yes, it was horrible. It didn't hold a candle to those days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Thank you EI. Just thank you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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