# He said "you got your wish"



## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well no he is wrong, I only got part of my wish. Yes I wished she would go back to her husband, but I also want the chance to work on my marriage.
See some people won't understand that, but I KNOW the man that came before this mid life crisis and affair. I know the character of this man before this happened. No I am in no way excusing his horrible betrayal and choice, but I know who he really is. 
He called me last night to let me know that his skank is going back to her husband. He didn't know that the whole time this past month that he was playing with her, that every time he left she was playing with her husband. My foolish husband bought her a bed for her apartment, and I got the pleasure of letting him know that I knew what kind of bed it was because her husband had been in it with her. I also had to tell him that she told her husband humiliating things about mine sexually. Something he knows beyond a doubt could not be made up.
So right now he is mad at me because he lost his toy. Right now he says he knows our marriage Is completely done. Maybe it is, but he hasn't had to face the reality of his choice yet. See with his work he had been staying in hotels every night since he left. For this work trip he chose to take our camper to stay in. The camper that we spent vacations and romantic weekends in. The camper that we have loved each other in. Now he has to do this by himself without any noise from me or his skank.
He will be living in it for the next 8 weeks. Sleeping in the bed we shared together. On the blankets and pillows we used. Maybe it really won't effect him. But if there is any part of the man that I have know for the past 16 years left in him, then I think it will. Does that mean our marriage can be fixed? I don't know, but all I ever wanted was a chance.....a chance to fix something that I didn't know was broken.
This will be a LONG 8 weeks because I will not initiate any contact with him that is not bill related. He needs to realize what all he is giving up. Because here is one REAL truth. I am no where near perfect, but I have been a VERY good wife.
Thank you all for continuing to help me through the most painful and difficult time of my life.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i wish you the best.
a good friend of mine is going through something very similar. her WH, although she has no proof of infidelity nor does she want it, moved out 2 months ago when she told him MC or leave. it has been extremely rough for her and her children but she gets stronger every day. i hope you do too.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I hear the despair and pain in your voice, and I feel at a loss to try and help you. Men can be soooo stupid. They don't realize what they're doing until it's too late to fix things. They reject a good woman to chase a fantasy, not realizing that it's only a mirage, and they're losing something very precious. You certainly deserve a better fate than this. Be well. Peace.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

It may not feel like it now but you will get through this. Spend time with your friends, your pets, your children and focus on yourself. 

Stick to your guns about not contacting him about anything that you don't have to talk to him about.

It's hard to say what your husband is thinking and feeling. Mine seemed indignant and cold, much like yours during the initial separation but his tune also changed. That said, I don't want to give you false hope. However; he is also the one that ended up begging to come back after I went dark and started moving on. I am still at the point where I'm not sure I want him but he swears he wants me and only me.

Continue with the 180. Not to get him back but to help you feel stronger. It really works if you do it for the right reasons. Which is for YOU and to get YOURSELF back, NOT to get him back.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My heart aches for you. Stay strong and stick to yoir boundries, and you will be ok either way. Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hopefully the surgery to remove his head from his bottom will be a success. 

Do you have children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I concur with Miss Taken. Please don't be a plan B. Keep healing yourself. If he gets to where he can't live without you, then HE gets a chance with YOU and not the other way around. Please be strong. 

I had neighbor when I was growing up whose husband left her, repeatedly. She wanted a chance, each time. He always came back, the last time for years. Then left her again when she was much older. She's been alone ever since. He married a younger beautiful woman, had another child and never really looked back. Karma went full ***** on him, he had a major health crisis later and became an invalid. Bedridden, etc. When he died, years later, I recall my neighbor viewing his body and crying and then walking alone to her car. All I could do was catch up and giver her a hug. Since then, I learned that she regretted wasting her time hoping for a chance only to be left when her prospects for a new relationship were minimal. Take what you can from that story. I'm sort of pissed at my neighbors husband right now, what an asshat. She was and is a great woman who needed to realize that loving a fool can only make you look foolish in the end.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I am sorry you're here, too. The waywards are so stupid arent they? If only the knew what damage they cause while carrying on. Make these next 8 weeks be some of your best so far ! 

~ sammy


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I too can hear the despair in your voice Bookwrm and I can relate. 

So OW cheated on him . . . with her H. LoL! The Karma bus is trundling along picking up passengers.  He's still in the fog and feeling sorry for himself with not much thought of how you are feeling like all WS. They are pathologically selfish. 

Sometimes I think it's not that WS changed. Rather a trait in them that was always there, though BS didn't know, rears its ugly head. Honourable people ask for a divorce when they feel the marriage has run its course as marriages sometimes do. 

I feel the next 8 weeks will be even harder on you than those just gone, post D-day. You will have to summon up strength you didn't even know you had. If you are tempted to contact him, post on here instead and posters will help to prevent you doing so. It's 180 time. Go dark. 

*Now, the onus is 100% on him. *You have given him the gift of being willing to stay, for now at least. As a poster said you mustn't be Plan B. Since OW has dumped him, he'll be lonely in that 8 weeks so beware of him crawling back for that reason. 

If he does return he must do all the heavy lifting, not you. You don't want him to stay because of pressure from you but because he genuinely wants to as it wouldn't serve you well otherwise.

All you can do is put one foot past the other. Keep insanely busy. Exercise like crazy for the endorphins. Haul in a good friend/family member for onsite support. There will always be support for you on here. Try and get some IC and you can also get strategies to use when he comes back. Listen to posters on here for strategies too. There's a lot of wisdom on TAM.

As someone said, don't give him too much time and end up limiting yourself in terms of another relationship. Sure, it's the last thing you are thinking of now because you are in shock. I gave my WS too much time and it is the only thing in my life I truly regret. 

I am the last one to give advice but I screwed up so bad I would hate to see anyone else screw up in the same way. I wish I discovered TAM at the time.

Go girl! 
Use the anger to fuel your resolve. You are stronger than you think. 
All of us are.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

“but I KNOW the man that came before this mid life crisis and affair. I know the character of this man before this happened. No I am in no way excusing his horrible betrayal and choice, but I know who he really is”.

Take out the he and replace with she and said this over and over to people. You will realize in time just as we all do, that person no longer exists. He made the choice to become this new person just as my stbx made her choice. Your still looking at your spouse thru rose colored glasses and in time you will start seeing what he is, not what you want. 

He doesn’t need to realize what he is giving up, he lost that already. Start to look at what he took from you. He can work at repairing that but it will never be the same and its not his choice anymore. Its your choice if he asks, till then your course is clear. 

Not contacting him will be hard for you, it was for many of us in the beginning. If he trys to contact you, don’t be in such a hurry to talk to him. Do things on your schedule, don’t hang around waiting for him. He could very well come up with all sorts of reasons to contact you, keep you thinking about him. Limit contact, give yourself some time to rationally look at your situation. 

I still tell people I wish they could have met my stbx that I knew, but she is gone. Get yourself emotionally ready and stay strong because the person you knew may never show up again.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BWM,

His own words speaks volumes, "I know our marriage is completely done." At least the marriage that he was in with you. There is so much sh** stirring in that pot....

No matter how you cut it, infidelity cuts each person to the core. It changes both people in way neither expect. Both suffer at the hands of humiliation, sorrow, lost, and everything that goes with it, in one fashion or another. What I see happening for you at this very moment in time, is a fall out of the affair. Your marriage is going through, and being activetly felt, at this very moment, the pains, and bull**** of the affair, and the consequences of, and now, he too, is sufferring his lost. 

Imho, before this marriage can even be suggested to be saved, I think each person needs to heal first, because there is so much pain and damage done to the psychic, and heart of the people, that until that is even addressed first, it 's impossible to address the couple. 

-sammy


----------



## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

Well he is not finished with her, that was yet another lie. However I will have the last word in this situation. I told him that I Will take my chances with a lawsuit on our new home we are buying. I will NOT sign the closing papers, and I don't think any judge will hold me responsible when they know what he has done. I intended to grow old with my husband in that home, not buy it for him and his skank. That will never happen. He also thought I could not sue her for alienation of affection because she lives in Texas, but WE are from NC so YES I can. Either that or criminal conversation. The hardest part for me right now is not texting him. I am so struggling with the need to let him know the vengeance I want to take. 
I want to shout from the rooftops, take out ads in her local papers....as a woman in TX just did.
I want to DESTROY HER LIFE, just as mine has been done. Yes he is responsible too, but the problem is that I love him.


----------



## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Well he is not finished with her, that was yet another lie. However I will have the last word in this situation. I told him that I Will take my chances with a lawsuit on our new home we are buying. I will NOT sign the closing papers, and I don't think any judge will hold me responsible when they know what he has done. I intended to grow old with my husband in that home, not buy it for him and his skank. That will never happen. He also thought I could not sue her for alienation of affection because she lives in Texas, but WE are from NC so YES I can. Either that or criminal conversation. The hardest part for me right now is not texting him. I am so struggling with the need to let him know the vengeance I want to take.
> I want to shout from the rooftops, take out ads in her local papers....as a woman in TX just did.
> I want to DESTROY HER LIFE, just as mine has been done. Yes he is responsible too, but the problem is that I love him.


Keep your plans secret from him. You are going to start and win the legal battle - all your moves are practcally military secrets 

Your objective is to extract maximum info from him ( if possible) and discuss your plans only with your lawyer.

The problem is you love him but he loves her...

Stay strong and find a good agressive lawyer.... Good luck!!!!


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Well he is not finished with her, that was yet another lie. However I will have the last word in this situation. I told him that I Will take my chances with a lawsuit on our new home we are buying. I will NOT sign the closing papers, and I don't think any judge will hold me responsible when they know what he has done. I intended to grow old with my husband in that home, not buy it for him and his skank. That will never happen. He also thought I could not sue her for alienation of affection because she lives in Texas, but WE are from NC so YES I can. Either that or criminal conversation. The hardest part for me right now is not texting him. I am so struggling with the need to let him know the vengeance I want to take.
> I want to shout from the rooftops, take out ads in her local papers....as a woman in TX just did.
> I want to DESTROY HER LIFE, just as mine has been done. Yes he is responsible too, but the problem is that I love him.


she owes you nothing.
take your anger towards her and direct it at the person treating you like trash - your lying, cheating, disrespectful WH that was supposed to be loyal to you. 

i know you are furious but your need for revenge against her is unsettling to me. he can fvck her and come back to you to grow old together in your new home but you want to destroy her?

would you want her BS publishing your WH's business all over the country? those humiliating details he now knows?

having the last word, if i was in your situation, would be divorcing him, moving on and leaving the 2 of them in the past.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sweetheart, I submit to you that the man you knew before all of this no longer exists, so forget about finding him again. That doesn't mean it's impossible to build a life with who he is now, but his comment to you smacks of arrogance and says he feels zero remorse.

And please do not blame ow for this; if it wasn't her it would've been someone else. Women have long used this misguided logic to avoid holding their guy accountable for bad behavior out of fear of losing him. Except that this only leads to more bad behavior because there's always a willing sk$nk.

One more thing: you love the man he was. He is not that man anymore; are you sure you love who he is currently ? The man that had weight loss surgery, got an ego boost, and threw you out like yesterday's trash? Think long and hard about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bookwrmmom (Mar 23, 2014)

You all are right, he deserves all of my anger. While I would love to do some of the things I mentioned I will not. Saying out loud to you all feels good. I may however look into alienation of affection, because it is legal in NC. However right now I am busy cleaning his crap out of my bedroom at least. Tomorrow I will change the locks on my doors, and go about the business of living again. No amount of vengeance against her will make things better, but it does give me a small amount of satisfaction to make HIM wonder if I will do it. He is so very protective over her right now.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, because I am crawling through the haze of a pain and betrayal that I NEVER saw coming. This man has been my world for over 16 years and I am reeling with the loss.


----------



## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

you'll never regret improving yourself over bringing someone else down.
best of the best to you!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's protective of HER but you can f&ck off for all he cares. Think again about whether you really love the new him.

You're doing very well, keep venting here. Venting is good for the soul!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

bookwrmmom said:


> Well he is not finished with her, that was yet another lie. However I will have the last word in this situation. I told him that I Will take my chances with a lawsuit on our new home we are buying. I will NOT sign the closing papers, and I don't think any judge will hold me responsible when they know what he has done. *I intended to grow old with my husband in that home, not buy it for him and his skank. That will never happen. He also thought I could not sue her for alienation of affection because she lives in Texas, but WE are from NC so YES I can. Either that or criminal conversation. The hardest part for me right now is not texting him. I am so struggling with the need to let him know the vengeance I want to take. *I want to shout from the rooftops, take out ads in her local papers....as a woman in TX just did.
> *I want to DESTROY HER LIFE, just as mine has been done.* Yes he is responsible too, but the problem is that I love him.


You know, I've always disliked this expression, but, by God, it fits here: "You go, girl!!!" He's brought all this on, but she was right there all the way. I know you say you love him, but that was the "old" him. He's checked out. Departed the scene. Left the building. That guy doesn't exist anymore. He's so lost in the fog, he'll never find his way out. This is so sad.  There are probably millions of lonely men out there who have prayed their whole lives to be able to find someone loving and loyal, just like you, that they could take to wife and love and lavish with affection, and here is your husband is tossing that all out the window. Not meaning to sound vengeful, but he deserves exactly what he's going to get.....and so does she. We'll see how well they do when they can finally get together and "live their dream." Thxxxxxxxxx!!! (That's as close as I can get to the sound of a Bronx cheer.)  In the end, hard as it is to believe now, you'll come out happier. :smthumbup:


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

BWM,

I understand the hate and anger toward the ow. I lived that way for way to long. I finally understood it all when I read the reason, it all made sense. 

It is because like you said, we love this person, our spouse, so in this stage, we build the anger towards the ow/om, bc we are "protecting" our spouse from danger, as we would in any loving situation, because we cant comprehend the danger we are facing, as the spouse is still a part of ourself, so we protect.

I dont know if I explained that well... 

-sammy


----------

