# I need help!!!



## quiltinqueen123 (Jan 7, 2012)

Hello,

I need to talk to someone, a therapist would probably be best.

Here is my problem. I don't have any money of my own to see a therapist. So, that being the case, how does one get counselling when one can't afford it.

I've been married for 8 years. 

Here are the pros, then the cons about my husband.


Pros:
He is very loving, kind, generous(mostly), always thinks of me first, brings me little surprise gifts, never berates me, always speaks highly of me, he is dependable, will do "almost" everything I ask of him....not always when I want it done, but eventually. He does all of the cooking. This is his hobby so he loves it. I've not cooked a meal in 8 years.

Cons:

He is an alcoholic....drinks 9-11 alcoholic beverages a day, and doesn't even act drunk!!

He has total control of the money and any financial decisions, and I'm not to question anything about how he handles money, which by the way is very bad. He lost the business he had, and our home due to his horrible money habits. And....I'm supposed to feel sorry for him now. We now live in an apartment, which I hate. He is going to have a judgement placed on him shortly for a $125,000 line of credit he had on the business He will wind up needing to file bankruptcy. He has noooooo saved money at all, only his monthly income from social security, inheritance, and pension, which amounts to about $3,500.00 per month, but the way he handles money, it is gone so fast each month with none left over, but I'm not to say anything about it.

He is a Passive Aggresive. Will no discuss important issues with me, for example: Money, Sex, Lifestyle, etc. at all, end of story!! If I do something he doesn't like, he doesn't act angry, but I WILL BE PUNISHED in some way, small or large.

He is a Sexaholic, I am to have sex with him every single day NO MATTER WHAT, and if I don't I will be punished in some way, by him ignoring me the whole day, or in other quiet ways, but nonetheless I will be punished. His take on this is that 'because he thinks he is soooo good to me', then the least I can do is give him 10 minutes of my time every single morning at 6:00am whether I want to or no. After 8 years of marriage I want to throw up from being forced into this every single day!! I haven't been able to wake up on my own for 8 years!

I don't know what to do. I mean this has been going on the whole time we've been married, and I've just coped with it, because I know there is no marriage out there that is perfect.

My problem is this: I have no where to go. I have allowed him to take what money I did bring into the marriage. I have no money of my own.

When we married he made me sell my car, and all of my furniture, etc. so I now don't have anything. The vehicle we now have is in his name only.....he was really sneaky about getting that put in his name only, and now he won't change that.

I will be 62 in March, so I am going to file for Social Security and I will only get abour $1,000 per month. If I were to divorce him, then I'd get $1,400 per month from my dead ex husband, but I'd have to divorce my current husband first.

"I know this sounds terrible, but it's realistic"; I will have an inheritance coming to me when my mom passes and she is 86 now, and in ill health. I was thinking I probably need to hang in there until I get my inheritance, then at that time make a decision as to what I should do.

I haven't worked in 8 years, and frankly I'm not sure if I can. When I worked I did computer work, and now I have carpal tunnel so I can't do long term daily work on the computer, and also I've had back surgery and I'm not able to work at a job where I'd be on my feet all day. 

Over the years I've just grown to deal with this, but is there something wrong with me???? I

I have no friends or family I can lean on for support, so I don't know what else to do.

What are your thoughts?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

What's wrong with you is that you are in a rut, don't know how to get out and are scared! Seriously, your life must be so draining and unhappy; could you be any worse off on your own?
I'm sorry for you and hope that you really think hard on your situation.
Is it worth it to stay or are you merely staying because familiarity breeds some sense of security, no matter how bad thes familiar things are.
Best wishes to you


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

I feel like I have so much to say...but for now...is there no way you can live on your retirement? Can you get just a part time job, maybe? 
I feel real bad about the lady you needed and tried to confide in. Has she no heart for another woman? The same thing happened to me in the past. I know exactly how you felt when you walked away; alone, humiliated, sad, desparate, etc....oh my....
Keep in mind that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks! You are the one you have to think about! You don't know someone til you live with them. Let everyone think what they will. You forget about them and you think of YOUR life now. They aren't going to be there for you either way anyhow! <3


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

P.S. ok, i see, it's S.S. and not til March which isn't so far away.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

I would not give up on sharing with someone at church based on the response of one person. You said you want counseling but can't afford it? Try your pastor.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Do you have children from a previous marriage.


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## quiltinqueen123 (Jan 7, 2012)

We have no children together. Children are grown.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

But you have your own. Cant they be of any help?


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## quiltinqueen123 (Jan 7, 2012)

Both of my children are having real hard financial troubles right now, so financially they couldn't help me, and as far as living with them, they both live in extremely small cramped quarters right now, so I couldn't ask for their help.


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## sitka (Dec 28, 2011)

Dear quilting,
I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am in some what of the same situation as yourself - I need to speak with a therapist but cannot afford one (or get to one). My emotionally abusive husband handles all the money and doesn’t manage our finances well at all either. Our marriage is at its breaking point right now - we are trying to keep it going but I have big doubts. Your case sounds much worse than mine though. I don’t have any grounds to talk - but you sound like your in a very abusive relationship! Its not right that your forced to share your body without punishment quilting. That is outright manipulation and abuse! I wish there were services on-line for people like you and I who wanted to get help and could not because of the circumstances we are in. I tried to find help but have had no luck yet -maybe something will pop up soon - I will let you know and pass on the information to you as well. In the mean while feel free to post me a message anytime, and I hope you have the strength do what ever you decide.


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## quiltinqueen123 (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks for all of the responses.

I think that I'm basically stuck in this situation until circumstances change to where I can have money to leave here.

Thanks again


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## quiltinqueen123 (Jan 7, 2012)

Well, I think I have finally came up with a plan.

I will need to wait this out for the next two years....but in the mean time.....I have filed for my social security. I will be 62 in March and my first check will start on May 1st. I will get approx $1,000.00 per month.

I told my husband that I was filing and he didn't like the idea, he thought I should wait several more years.

What I'm going to do is tell him that I changed my mind and I'm not going to be taking Social Security.

Then what I will do is take it...........open up a bank account in my name only.....and have this monthly check just direct deposited into my account.

After two years I will have a little over $24,000 save.....then I'm outta here!!!


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## Ifeelstuck (Jan 10, 2012)

Bide your time. Open a secret checking account and start rat holing any money you can get your hands on. I don't want this to sound cold but you waited this long, now wait for your inheritance and get the hell out of there. The good doesn't outweigh the bad.


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