# Is it possible my H chooses who he wants to be nice to? Everyone but ME??



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

AS some of you might have already known from my other posts, my husband has a bit of BPD it seems. We constantly argue, or ignore each other... that is much of what we have.

Have been struggling with our relationship for the better part of 20 years. Mainly struggle as he is very different with me than with his family.

For example, if there is a family event we were suppose to go to ... you will see no signs of depression on him, or any "bad mood". He will be smiling and chatty with his parents and siblings.'

I noticed that whether in person, or on the phone, H would be such a pleasant person when it is his family and friends. (smiling, conversing NORMALLY) 

Which is the polar opposite with what he does with me. I would call him just to say "Hi" ,and in turn he will always get mad and be grumpy with me ( like I am bothering him, half the time just not interested in my attempts for a conversation)... 

Soon as a family of his calls he is all sugar sweet :scratchhead:

It s very frustarating. What is that about???!!! :scratchhead:


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that what other people are seeing are NOT the real him. He treats you the way that he does because he feels that he doesn't have to put on a false face like he does with other people. My wife does the same thing sometimes.

I'm not saying that it isn't disrespectful or that it doesn't need to change. I'm just saying that you may feel that he doesn't treat you as nicely as he does other people because he may feel like he can be himself around you.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

My wife is just the same. I suppose the reason is she knows she cant lose me whatever she does. Whereas with other people they wont stay friends long. With people she doesnt 'need' she is even worse to them than she is to me. This stems from egoism. Thinking that the whole world is there just for her. Nobody else's needs ever come into consideration.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm not sure if these books have been mentioned to you or not, but you want to check out the books, Stop Walking On Eggshells. and, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. Most people with BPD have this love/hate relationship with the person they should be close to, but for whatever reason, they seem to hurt the person they love/hate the most.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BPD'ers always hurt those closest to them but yes can be charming to the rest of the world.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I'm not BPD but I am very guilty of this. I think it is a comfort level thing. I don't like to get too close to too many people so it is just "easier" to show the nice side all the time. I know my wife loves me and will still love me when I am a d**k sometimes.

It is completely unfair to her and I am well aware of that...


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

It's quite RUDE to do this... I mean he's gotten to a point where if the kids and I ask him to do a "family" day... he will drag his feet like its a huge chore. But if his brothers or sisters call him to join them for a "family event" he is usually all revved up to go!

As if things with me and the kids are just boring for him... and being with his siblings are much more exciting? There is a time and place for different events in life, I just thought as a husband and father, his first concern was US?? Is that not the case???


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

accept said:


> My wife is just the same. I suppose the reason is she knows she cant lose me whatever she does. Whereas with other people they wont stay friends long. With people she doesnt 'need' she is even worse to them than she is to me. This stems from egoism. Thinking that the whole world is there just for her. Nobody else's needs ever come into consideration.


Ditto on this behavior pattern here. The chaotic nature of my wife's childhood may have resulted in her "wanting what she doesn't have and not wanting what she has"


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi. You married my exhusband. No, it doesn't get better.

Sorry.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Over the years you have taught your husband that it is OK to be disrespectful to you by not standing up to him when he does this.

It will be hard to reverse years of bad behavior, but the next time that he does or says something hurtful, point it out in a calm manner. Look him right in the eye and say, "I don't deserve to be treated that way." Or "I don't appreciate that tone of voice."


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Question: even though he is charming and nice to other people, when you two are in private does he put down those people behind their backs? Like BOY, YOUR FRIEND SHIRLEY SURE HAS A FAT ASS, or YOUR UNCLE TALKS TOO MUCH AND HE IS STUPID AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT, I CAN'T STAND HIM. Stuff like that.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

endlessgrief said:


> Question: even though he is charming and nice to other people, when you two are in private does he put down those people behind their backs? Like BOY, YOUR FRIEND SHIRLEY SURE HAS A FAT ASS, or YOUR UNCLE TALKS TOO MUCH AND HE IS STUPID AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT, I CAN'T STAND HIM. Stuff like that.


No, he does not. Actually I am refering to mostly his siblings/direct family-- Friends he does not do this with. Only his brothers and sisters, parents... And no he would never dream of saying anyhting bad about his family. Even when they are right there in front of him , he acts as if they do nothing wrong in this lifetime!

He is just generally PEPPY :bounce: around them- And once he is alone with me or the kids, its back to issed:


----------

