# Ladies, I need your perspectives. Thanks.



## Kancitian (Aug 17, 2012)

Hi Ladies, I need your perspectives on this situation. My husband and I have been married for three years. I’m 35 and my he's 43. We work in the same office (different departments) with about 80 other employees. The HR lady in our office, in her mid-50s, is a very outgoing woman. I sit by a window in the office and, on a daily basis, see her drive off with another employee to go grab coffee at the coffee house a few blocks away. There are about five employees she goes with regularly (mostly women), but every now and then I’ll see her go with some new random person. One day, out of the blue, she asked if I wanted to go. I did, and after that I began to go with her a little more regularly. I started to see her as more than just a coworker and more as a friend. I eventually cut back on how much I went with her, however, because I found her to be a bit of a gossip, and I didn’t trust her not to gossip about me. And while she was generally warm to me, there were times she said things to me that were slightly unfriendly. My husband, under the impression that she and I were good friends, and who loves a good cup of coffee every morning, started going with her every so often as well. I was fine with this. Then they started going more regularly and becoming good friends. Despite my doubts about her as a friend, my husband and I went out to dinner with her and her husband a couple times. My husband’s friendship with her continued to grow while I grew more uneasy about her. It got to a point where they were making coffee runs together every day. After a few weeks of this, I got angry and told him to stop going every day. He was fine with that. So then he started going only every so often. I thought I would be comfortable with that, but I still wasn’t. I started to resent her (and my husband) wondering how she could go off with someone’s husband every day right in front of his wife’s face. I eventually asked him to stop going with her altogether. Again, he was fine with that, and said I was probably right. What do you make of this situation, of him, and of her?


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

if your H stopped going for coffee with her, it sounds like everything's cool. Meaning he's respecting your feelings and all.

Though if you wanted him to stop associating with her entirely you should have said that from the get go.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like your husband had no problem stopping going for coffee with her. 

Sounds like she regularly runs for coffee with anyone who will go with her. To me, I'm thinking she's just a social addict. Did she say anything negative about other employees to you while you ran coffee with her? Does she try to put co-worker against co-worker? Did she say/mention anything to you about you asking hubby to stop going on coffee runs (meaning hubby told her he was stopping for you).?


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## Kancitian (Aug 17, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Sounds like your husband had no problem stopping going for coffee with her.
> 
> Sounds like she regularly runs for coffee with anyone who will go with her. To me, I'm thinking she's just a social addict. Did she say anything negative about other employees to you while you ran coffee with her? Does she try to put co-worker against co-worker? Did she say/mention anything to you about you asking hubby to stop going on coffee runs (meaning hubby told her he was stopping for you).?


Hi Chelle D, thanks for your reply. I think you're right about her being a social addict. Which is fine, but, when she started going with just my husband and no one else, I started to worry. Yes, she would speak negatively of other employees while with me and share things I'm sure they would have wanted her to keep private. So far she hasn't said anything to me about the fact that my husband has stopped getting coffee with her. But it has only been a week. I have a feeling she might say something to me next week. Wish me luck in standing my ground


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Good luck.

Even though I say she sounds like just one of those social addict's. You know.. can NEVER be by themselves. The BIG gossip at work.., the one that's got to have 20 friends so that she never has to shop by herself.. etc. Even though it sounds like that, In all honesty, I'd probably have been jealous too.

I'd probably be a little more ticked at hubby than her, that he didn't pick up on my vibes of not being kosher with him being all buddy buddy with her for coffee trips. But, Like I said, he didn't seem to hold your opinion against you.

Just think of something positive to say if she does come & say something. If you have a positive comeback ahead of time, it would help avoid that negativity. You really wouldn't want her spreading gossip that you were all jealous of her & hubby.

Maybe something like - "Well, at least now you can share your coffee runs with more of the office again." or "But you're so social with everyone , why would you miss going to coffee with my husband? There's plenty of people here you are close enough with that can fill that void." 

Don't say it in a mean or sarcastic way, but maybe sound a little "naive"


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