# Codepency ended my marriage. Asking for advice on this process



## DADX2

So I have been seperated for a month. Divorce is filied and will go quick we have no kids , no alimony. She left because of my co dependent ways after 9 years. No blame we had a great run tried to fix it but by the time we seeked professional help she was done. Im healing alot better than I was, im done begging for her back. I closed the book. Now my question is this. Since she was checked out and is in "party girl" mode, at any point will she go Oh S&*^ or will she hit her wall and freak out and crash down. Im not hoping for it or waiting in the wings im just curious how the other side of the fence is when they checked out. Further more she was a great step mom to my boys and wants to stay on the radar with them as long as they want it and so does her family. Where does that leave me as a friend to the family and her now? As she said it will have to happen organically, but any tips on that direction?


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## FormerSelf

My codependency definitely helped drive my wife away. Not divorced, but there were two separations as well as infidelity on her part. All my fault? No, but codependency certainly added to her relational claustrophobia.
You question is about the possibility of your wife snapping out of it...and questioning her choices. Mine did...and that was partly predicated by me backing off. She hit rock bottom and did't have me to pull her back on her feet as she was used and she begged to come back. I worked it to my advantage, but behavior runs deep...and I have to be very aware of my controlling proclivities. I suggest you do what you can to get a handle on your behaviors in this time regardless she come around or not.


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## EleGirl

There is no way to predict whether she will do well or not now that you are separated. Only time will tell. 

Seems that you need to be looking inward, working on yourself and not being concerned about her. It sounds like you are hoping that she hits bottom and has destroyed her life. Not a good place to be going mentally.

Codependency means that you are focused on the other person and not yourself. Seems like you need to work on this.


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## browneyes74

I recommend Codependent No More.. A lot.. It's really good.. Really realized MY role in my marriage with a pill popping alcoholic.. And I had a role.. Not saying I was or am responsible for his drinking, or his cheating, but I was a big time enabler, and became passive aggressive b/c it was all I *could* be.. (which I'm NOT by nature, so I'm hoping that will resolve itself)

It's a very good book on helping YOU understand how YOU need to change YOU to become a better caretaker of YOU.. See all those YOUS in there? Not one her... It's not about her anymore.. It's about you, and your kids.. That's it.. End of story.. 

It's time to take care of YOU.. It is okay.. And it's RIGHT to do so.. Good luck.. I do understand.. I'm not codependent usually by nature, but, as she said in the book, being married to an alcoholic will surely make you one! And it did..


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