# Kindness, diplomacy and tact.



## denaliguide1servicec (6 mo ago)

In order, I think they are the most important qualities in marriages. I know, as I have had a few. 

Mature enuf to be retired now, I still have some issues surrounding intimacy in my marriage.

Certainly I'd like to resolve them, and hope that those three qualities might help. The potential for disaster concerns me 

but I think my wife and I need the transparency, and I feel the problem of bi-sexuality is mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When married, do you act on your bisexuality? It that the problem?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Those are NOT the most important qualities in marriage.

2. If you’re old enough to retire, I assume you’ve been married a while.
If so, I think you’d be a fool to destroy the dynamics of your marriage at this point over thinking your bi (I honestly think the whole bi thing is ******** anyway, but maybe that’s just me).
Pick one, if you mostly want vag and boobs, shut up and don’t destroy your wife and marriage.
If you mostly want sausage, then yeah, you probably need to address the situation.

Now if you actually are closet gay, who deceived your wife (and maybe yourself) for years pretending to be straight, then you have a different, and more complicated situation. I understand that you would want to be true to yourself, just know that your wife will likely be devastated and feel her whole marriage was a lie.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

denaliguide1servicec said:


> In order, I think they are the most important qualities in marriages. I know, as I have had a few.
> 
> Mature enuf to be retired now, I still have some issues surrounding intimacy in my marriage.
> 
> ...


Maybe since you've had a few marriages you aren't on target with the most important qualities in a marriage. Every consider that?


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## denaliguide1servicec (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Maybe since you've had a few marriages you aren't on target with the most important qualities in a marriage. Every consider that?


not only have I considered it, but as little info as you havei, it seems your a little premature in being judgemental. If you have not experienced this, I doubt you you have sufficient experience to sit in judgement. I am here for discussion, not judgement. There is no hint of the complexity of my situation, so I am skeptical about the your ability to understand, let alone have an intelligent discuss of this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

denaliguide1servicec said:


> not only have I considered it, but as little info as you havei, it seems your a little premature in being judgemental. If you have not experienced this, I doubt you you have sufficient experience to sit in judgement. I am here for discussion, not judgement. There is no hint of the complexity of my situation, so I am skeptical about the your ability to understand, let alone have an intelligent discuss of this.


You have jumped to a conclusion that is not correct. I made no judgement. I only asked a question.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Kindness, diplomacy, and tact..... I like that and I agree with you. No two people are going to be 100% compatible. But if you can be kind, diplomatic, and tactful when situations arise, you can certainly have a lifelong marriage that is really good.

I myself have been married almost 15 years now. We are very happy together and we are kind, diplomatic, and tactful with each other and it has clearly worked.

As far as you being Bi, or thinking you are, that is just who you are and it's not a fault. But what is most important is what choices you make. You can be Bi and stay faithful to your spouse, or you can take a risk and act on your impulses. But just keep in mind that if you act on those impulses, that ten minutes of pleasure can haunt you for the rest of your life.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@denaliguide1servicec ,

You have two interesting questions, but the way you asked them is unusual. For example you asked if guys are bi-sexual or only THINK they are bi-sexual. They could be straight (for real) or homosexual (for real)—so your question is strange. I’m a female person and consider myself bi-sexual as I’m romantically and sexually attracted to either gender. But when I am with someone I am 100% committed to them alone. So are you with someone and looking to have someone else as well or “on the side”? Then you’d be unfaithful, not necessarily bi-sexual. 🤷‍♀️

As for your other question about the keys to a good marriage I think I disagree with you. I believe commitment, transparency, and loving-kindness are the key…and sprinkle in strong compatibility. Then again that’s just my humble opinion.


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## denaliguide1servicec (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have jumped to a conclusion that is not correct. I made no judgement. I only asked a question.


 Your question in my opinion is/was passive aggressive enuf to qualify in my mind as judgmental. I stand by that, and close this discussion line here.


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## denaliguide1servicec (6 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @denaliguide1servicec ,
> 
> You have two interesting questions, but the way you asked them is unusual. For example you asked if guys are bi-sexual or only THINK they are bi-sexual. They could be straight (for real) or homosexual (for real)—so your question is strange. I’m a female person and consider myself bi-sexual as I’m romantically and sexually attracted to either gender. But when I am with someone I am 100% committed to them alone. So are you with someone and looking to have someone else as well or “on the side”? Then you’d be unfaithful, not necessarily bi-sexual. 🤷‍♀️
> 
> As for your other question about the keys to a good marriage I think I disagree with you. I believe commitment, transparency, and loving-kindness are the key…and sprinkle in strong compatibility. Then again that’s just my humble opinion.


 With enuf experience ( I am 70 +), I know you have to have the qualities you enumerate, but in my marriage I find the three I named help me the most with my communications and understanding. There has been enuf trauma (caused by others), and unusual events, that we have worked hard as a couple to overcome, in our 20+ years together ( of the 70+ yrs I have been married for 40, and single for 10.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I came across something once that said there was a little bit of bi in all of us , 
just that most of us are commissioned to hide it so deep down in us .
it even went so far as to say it is what frightens some of us to run far away or even punch the crap out of any that confronts us with it face to face .
how I feel about bi or been around bi people , 
I don't HAVE THE EXPERIENCE


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You need a professional to guide you through this. Your issue is a delicate, complex one that requires expert advice.
My suggestion would be find a good therapist who has expertise in sexual and identity issues and have a few sessions to explore yourself and who you are sexually. And then get advice from same as to how to discuss with your wife. If you are truly bisexual, this can be worked out successfully with the right and dedicated approach.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jorgegene said:


> You need a professional to guide you through this. Your issue is a delicate, complex one that requires expert advice.
> My suggestion would be find a good therapist who has expertise in sexual and identity issues and have a few sessions to explore yourself and who you are sexually. And then get advice from same as to how to discuss with your wife. *If you are truly bisexual, this can be worked out successfully with the right and dedicated approach.*


I don’t disagree that it’s probably not a terrible idea to speak with a therapist. Just make sure you find a good, unbiased one.

On the bold, I think you are blowing flowers and unicorns up OP’s rear to suggest that something can be worked out successfully. Maybe, but highly likely that wife will not respond positively. And in fact be quite devastated. That’s the more likely reality.

Not saying he shouldn’t address the situation with his wife, especially if he’s more gay than straight, but let’s be realistic about the consequences and likely outcomes.


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