# Bedroom Taboos



## Wantwhatsbest (6 mo ago)

So here’s the landscape: 
I’m 67, she’s 69. Married for 38 years, both retired and kids are grown, out on their own with their own families. Our life is very good in nearly all respects, except for the lovemaking. The issues include both regimentation and body limits. Regimentation involves once-a-week sex on only Saturday or Sunday, pretty much no foreplay, and same position for intercourse. If I try to “mix it up” even a little, she’s annoyed and literally complains in the middle of the act.

The other is more of a mystery, in tat I’m not allowed to touch her breasts . . . at all. This part has been going on now for the past three or four years, I think. At this point, I’ve sort of lost track. But whenever I ask about it, I get no answers; just a reflective response like “All you ever think about is sex.” We’ll, honestly, I wouldn’t keep asking if only I could get an answer. I’m at the point now where I no longer ask in order to avoid an argument, which is clearl not a long-term solution.
I’ll also add that, lately, she’s become more outspoken about women’s rights, equality and such and I feel like there’s a connection there. Looking for direction, all is appreciated.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Wantwhatsbest said:


> So here’s the landscape:
> I’m 67, she’s 69. Married for 38 years, both retired and kids are grown, out on their own with their own families. Our life is very good in nearly all respects, except for the lovemaking. The issues include both regimentation and body limits. Regimentation involves once-a-week sex on only Saturday or Sunday, pretty much no foreplay, and same position for intercourse. If I try to “mix it up” even a little, she’s annoyed and literally complains in the middle of the act.
> 
> The other is more of a mystery, in tat I’m not allowed to touch her breasts . . . at all. This part has been going on now for the past three or four years, I think. At this point, I’ve sort of lost track. But whenever I ask about it, I get no answers; just a reflective response like “All you ever think about is sex.” We’ll, honestly, I wouldn’t keep asking if only I could get an answer. I’m at the point now where I no longer ask in order to avoid an argument, which is clearl not a long-term solution.
> I’ll also add that, lately, she’s become more outspoken about women’s rights, equality and such and I feel like there’s a connection there. Looking for direction, all is appreciated.


This stuff doesn’t just happen. What has sex been like in the past? How did you meet? Was the low or high drive earlier on? Is there a chance she’s confronting demons from her past?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Nothing is going to change after all this time, especially with her negative attitudes towards sex. You've dealt with it this long, so unless you're willing to divorce over this then accept things as they are. Depending on your health, you may only have 10 to 15 good years of sexual activity left, so you have to balance what you have against what you hope to have but may not get if you leave. I hope the rest of your life together is wonderful so that you can have peace with your situation.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Depending on your health, you may only have 10 to 15 good years of sexual activity left


Quick aside, this guy is 67 and has 15 years of sexual activity left, that is one of the happiest and most hopeful things I've seen posted on this forum in a long time. It is so wonderful that people can have full and happy sex lives into their 80s. 

I HIGHLY doubt her "negative attitude" is just about sex. Especially if he is concerned she's starting to get too big for her britches, that says volumes. But hey, therapy maybe.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Sounds like she is unhappy with her breasts. Time and gravity does horrible things to women's bodies, especially after having/nursing children. For some, it's very difficult to love a body that she no longer recognizes as her own. And, if you have ever had anything negative to say about her body, especially her breasts (or even the way you look at them or look at those of other women) well, she will need a lot of reassurance and even that's not guaranteed. 

As for the vanilla sex, is that new or has it been that way for some time? If the latter, why is it such a game changer after all this time?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Breast’s also change over time and with hormonal changes like menopause. It may not be pleasurable to her. Frankly she may never have liked it but put up with it due to that age groups cultural perception about being a good wife.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

I would take it that she is just "giving out" to keep you "happy"; post menopausal, no libido, possibly physical discomfort. Time to sit down, communicate and get honest.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

There could be a multitude of reasons she doesn’t want her breasts touched, but the strangest and probably most frustrating thing to the husband is that she won’t tell him what that reason is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Wantwhatsbest said:


> So here’s the landscape:
> I’m 67, she’s 69. Married for 38 years, both retired and kids are grown, out on their own with their own families. Our life is very good in nearly all respects, except for the lovemaking. The issues include both regimentation and body limits. Regimentation involves once-a-week sex on only Saturday or Sunday, pretty much no foreplay, and same position for intercourse. If I try to “mix it up” even a little, she’s annoyed and literally complains in the middle of the act.
> 
> The other is more of a mystery, in tat I’m not allowed to touch her breasts . . . at all. This part has been going on now for the past three or four years, I think. At this point, I’ve sort of lost track. But whenever I ask about it, I get no answers; just a reflective response like “All you ever think about is sex.” We’ll, honestly, I wouldn’t keep asking if only I could get an answer. I’m at the point now where I no longer ask in order to avoid an argument, which is clearl not a long-term solution.
> I’ll also add that, lately, she’s become more outspoken about women’s rights, equality and such and I feel like there’s a connection there. Looking for direction, all is appreciated.


If there isn't a connection there, there ought to be. 

At her age I doubt she has much interest in sex anymore, so why would she want to mix it up and prolong it? 

How often you're having it is not out of the norm at all. 









How often is "regular" for couple to have sex?


Makes no sense too me. Why stay? It doesn't make sense to us either. He says the dynamics of the things they have, like house, toys, land and so on., she pays the bills, as all extra is up to her where is spent! They both make good money with a house payment under $1000 a month. They live...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If there isn't a connection there, there ought to be.
> 
> At her age I doubt she has much interest in sex anymore, so why would she want to mix it up and prolong it?
> 
> ...


It's insufficient for the OP. That's the point and nothing wrong with that.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

@Wantwhatsbest I am not saying this is the case for you...I am sharing a problem I had with my husband for years, and it was pretty ridiculous and nerve wracking. Maybe there is something that will relate to your situation, maybe not. Please don't think I am accusing you.

My husband and I had some pretty big miscommunications about sex for a while. I have always had a pretty high sexual drive. I also went into marriage understanding that sex is a large part of the bonding process for men. In the early parts and middle parts of our marriage, I handed sexual satisfaction to my husband on a golden platter, in a myriad of ways. You would have thought that would have made him a more attentive partner, but it actually let him rest on his laurels and really make no effort to really learn what pleased me, how I liked to be touched, what really really turned me on, etc. In fact, there were a couple of ways that he would touch me, handle my breasts, etc that would downright tick me off. No amount of communication could get it through his head. He either didn't care, or he just didn't seem to 'get' it. I tried all of the ways to communicate this to him, right down to actually stopping in the middle of sex and just plain leaving. I was SO frustrated with him. This man was effectively killing my sex drive by being outright obtuse. I stop caring, I stopped trying, I started shutting off. 

Fast forward to years later, and the added problem of infidelity on his part, we do a much better job of communicating and receiving information. However, there are times that he slips into old habits and doesn't listen as well as he should. Or, worse yet, he pulls out one of those awful moves that just plain does not feel good. It puts my mind right back to wanting to freeze him out.

Now maybe its a stretch on my part to compare your situation and my own. But maybe you can make sure there is not a communication problem. Make sure she is still enjoying sex, and make sure there is not something she has been wanting or needing from you to feel more confident, secure and sexy. If she won't talk in person about this, write her a letter, send her an email or a message. Maybe she is too embarrassed to talk face to face. And likewise, communicate how you are feeling about her lack of confidence and willingness to try even small new/different things. Explain your feelings about it, instead of focusing on the actual act, if that makes sense. 

I wish you luck and hope your situation improves.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wantwhatsbest said:


> *Our life is very good in nearly all respects*, except for the lovemaking.





Wantwhatsbest said:


> get no answers; just a reflective response like “All you ever think about is sex.”





Wantwhatsbest said:


> Looking for direction, all is appreciated.


Since all is appreciated, apologies in advance for my bluntness:

Sorry you are where you are, cuz retirement ought to be a really fun time for both of you. But you got here after 38 years together, so changing things is going to be IMO impossible. You know how old folks like you and me and your wife are set in our ways. Maybe your wife has some friends misguiding her thinking. There are a lot of old women who literally hate men, their husband especially. Too many bad experiences I suppose. 

Talking to her about it is a waste of the time you have left on this planet. Which for your age averages less than another decade. There are younger more vigorous men on these boards who have gone without for twice that long.

She doesn't want you touching her, so keep your hands to and for yourself. Pretend you are an unmarried teenager again.

Given that, just focus on the bolded part and quit stressing about the rest. Your wife doesn't want sex with you and puts all sorts of ridiculous limits on you, so just quit the whole mess. If you focus on doing things you like to do, hobbies you enjoy, or learning how to do new things and just leave her in her own mess IMO your "golden" years will be much more enjoyable than spending it trying to bring a 69 year-old angry female to any sort of a passionate and mutually sexual relationship. 

That part of your life, if it ever was, ( I suspect it never was ) is gone for good now. You can;t make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Accept that and enjoy the "very good" part of your life. Like grandkids. If you don't have a pet, get one. They are way more loyal and loving than many spouses. After awhile, sex can decrease in importance until it is just a memory of something you once enjoyed.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Quick aside, this guy is 67 and has 15 years of sexual activity left, that is one of the happiest and most hopeful things I've seen posted on this forum in a long time. It is so wonderful that people can have full and happy sex lives into their 80s.
> 
> *I HIGHLY doubt her "negative attitude" is just about sex.* Especially if he is concerned she's starting to get too big for her britches, that says volumes. But hey, therapy maybe.


There really isn't any barrier to being sexually active until death at whatever age. There are scandals in nursing homes here all the time, old men and old women getting it on in one another's rooms. Just cuz we are old doesn't mean we are dead yet.

Just wait, everyone has their turn at this old age stuff. It ain't for the fainthearted.

And yes, no doubt her angry bitter attitude extends to all sorts of subjects besides sex. I doubt she has any happiness in her life at all. A common trait of old people cuz we didn't ever think we would get here


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> There really isn't any barrier to being sexually active until death at whatever age. There are scandals in nursing homes here all the time, old men and old women getting it on in one another's rooms. Just cuz we are old doesn't mean we are dead yet.
> 
> Just wait, everyone has their turn at this old age stuff. It ain't for the fainthearted.


Apparently STDs are a big problem in nursing homes. No pregnancy worries and it seems they’re a bit naive about other issues. While they should be more careful, it’s still sweet and kinda romantic. After years of being a wife appliance, it’s probably nice for those women to be sexually desired. I’m sure the men enjoy it too, no commitments or feelings involved.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Wantwhatsbest said:


> I’ll also add that, lately, she’s become more outspoken about women’s rights, equality and such and I feel like there’s a connection there.


That's a serious red flag.


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