# In great pain



## McGillicutty (Oct 17, 2011)

My wife told me to leave out home 4 months ago. I am an alcoholic. I was a bad husband. I'm not going to go into great detail, but I am a very damaged person. I come from a VERY dysfunctional family, one that I left behind me a long time ago. I numbed that pain with drinking. I do not know how to function in this new family that I married into, they are nothing like what I know. They are happy and loving, i find myself nervous around them and I do not fit in. this is only part of the problem in my marriage, as my wife is very close to her family and my not being able to open up is one of the many deal breakers for our marriage.

The drinking was the deal breaker, because I didn't love her and place her first for the two years we have been married. Long story short, she is broken from the pain I caused her when all she did was try to love me. Now that she is divorcing me I got the wake up call I needed and am in AA and have found God. Anyway, I believe she still loves me but wants this divorce because she wants to end this horrible chapter of her life so she can begin to heal. She cannot do this until she knows that this marriage and the way it was is over. But I have hopes for reconciliation, as she did try for the past 2 months to do so, but then decided her anger and resentment are too strong. When she sees me, all she sees is her drunk husband. She has begun going to church to find God again (I was an atheist and led her away from God, another resentment). She is going to open AA meeting because she says she wants to understand my sickness better so she can forgive me and start to heal. But she says she doesn't love me anymore. I believe she doesn't love my alcoholism, but still deep down loves me.

I guess what I'm babbling about is this... we are going to get divorced, that is going to happen no matter what. She needs it and while I don't want it, if it will help her heal I will do it. Should I give up hope of reconciling after the divorce, even years after? I will wait for her (not remarry) because I only want to have one wife, I will date others in the future but I will never marry another. I said my vows to her and I will not break them, even if she does. I just want to know if I'm being stupid and in denial, or if my unconditional love for her will see me through this. the love I have for her comes from God, because if I were to do what I want for myself it would be to find a reason to hate her for leaving me when I am fixing myself and healing my problems, so that it would be easier to get over her and move on. Every time I try to think like that, I can't. Something tells me that I must love her no matter what it costs me and no matter if the love is not returned in kind.


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

I am wondering the same thing McGillicutty, about the hope thing. My STBX has done a complete turnaround after I dropped the D bomb. I don't have much desire to make our marriage work again because I tried for a long time to make it happen, while he did his drinking/being buddies with all but me. I am afraid that our relationship will go back to what it was - even though he assures me it won't. So, I am going to hold onto my bit of hope, that in a while (maybe even after the D is final), I will snap out of this funk & we will be able to try it again. I think you should always show her that you still love her no matter what, but don't put your own happiness on hold for anyone! Life's too short. You know that though


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