# I feel left out.



## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

Been married for 21 years, and we have some nasty fights(only 3) but the one that really hurts was about a year ago.
we had found out we both had type two diabetes, and she wont help her self and i dont have a say in it, because i am concerned about her health.....She's a control freak and spend way to much time at work, and no time with me. (got hurt jan 2nd 2008). but thats another long story.......
I have since kicked the type ll back in Feb. 2011..

I'm lost and confused and dont know where to start....my plate is over flowing. and i bet i could be here for a month writing up just from the last 3 years.......

she snaps at me almost every day some times twice. 


ok this doesnt make any sense, time to sit back and think of what to write that will make more sense.


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

ok let me focus on one.
july 19th 2010 i went in for hand surgery and i said i was uncomferable about the whole thing as i talked to her about it (never had surgery before in my life) , and she didnt say anything except you will be ok. even after the surgery (there was complications that i am still unsure with) and there was no support, the following day was cast day didnt say much in the ride to the doctors. she did pick out the cast color even tho i didnt want it i went with it......
fast forward one week need help in the shower and asked for help, which wasnt much help to begin with.... and this went on for two months (was in two cast's) asked for help many times and all i got was i didnt know you was going up for a shower. or i forgot. no fun taking a shower one handed let me tell ya....... got pretty good at putting a bag over the cast and just doing it myself........ but that led to another problem, in one of the fights over a year ago she said she works a full time job and shes not helping out with the daily house chores etc....... so one handed i managed to do just about everything except for folding cloths from the dryer. still no help there, kids didnt bother to help. still have trouble folding cloths from the dryer including sheets and blankets.....but yet still no help......
Mean while its been almost one year to date and i have manage to keep up with the house chores and her work cloths and everyone elses. still doing everything with little to no help from anyone.
i still have my problems with hand as it will never be 100% but i am managing to keep up with everyones needs........ except mine get un-noticed, no back rubs,or legs or shoulder, but i take care of the miss's when she feels rough, legs hurting cause of the three days of doubles and 3 hours a sleep each day because of it......... i keep telling her to stop it isnt worth it. but yet she still does it........
still controling house even tho its in my control? dont get it...........
hope this makes more sense...... time to sign off for awhile shes due home from work, and i get to hear about her co-workers yet again..........
if you need any more info please PM and i will try better to fill in the gaps etc........ not a very good writer or speller. and dont really no where to start........ 
thunderbolt64


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Don't want to try to answer specifics, just to say you sound totally overwhelmed and (by your own admission) finding it hard to put your thoughts straight. 
Sit down, take a breath and write yourself some notes. Have you spoken to her about feeling the struggle with the house & your hand(s)? How old are your kids? (and why aren't they helping?) Who disciplines them? What is she getting out of your relationship? What are you getting out of your relationship? Where did diabetes come into the equation ref your operation etc? 
Then..... if you put some thoughts together as a result of all those answers, re-post & I'm sure someone will come up with some ideas! 
nb it would be only too easy to be judgemental one way or the other, and I want to avoid that hence all the questions


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

YOU have choices ya know. Either you keep on going the way it is... or YOU make changes. 

You are grown, you are home all day.... YOU can make changes within the home on a daily basis. YOU can make your children pitch in, which should start when they are little, but should definitely happen when you had your arm in a cast! 

You cannot control your wife, you are right about that. BUT... you can stand up to her and make the changes that seem fair to you. Marriage counseling may help... if you two cannot compromise, or don't talk constructively. 

Either way, *you need to take charge of your life*, think positive, make your needs known, and help raise those kids to be productive as well as empathetic.


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

*Have you spoken to her about feeling the struggle with the house & your hand(s)?*

1:Yes i have but she doesnt wanna hear it,Keeps saying she will talk to them.
She keeps bringing up 15 years ago when she had carpul tunnel done to both hands at same time, i gave it 120% back then and all she does is laugh at me cause she said i did that to her......
2: Oldest son 20 in college finional drain,does what he wants when he wants, starts fights with everyone. does nothing to help out. but demands alot....complains. i speak up and it goes south with the miss's.......she thinks i am attacking him for no reasons.......
Oldest son Snapped at his sister awhile back (she's 10 1/2 ) just for asking a question on how he broke his gutar....
His new G/F was here for the second time this past week, and the house rules he did not follow, about the open door rule........ shower and changing in his room while g/f is in there, the locking of the door at night....... the list goes on and on there, so i will stop that here you get the idea.......( I keep saying he's out of control but yet no help there)......Ofcourse there's alot more to it but i'll keep it simple............
My youngest son (who just turned 18 this month) does try to help but mainly with out door stuff which is fine. he works afew days aweek and is prepparing for the Navy as a carrer.....
so i try to keep the ship running straight, but as always it keeps taking on water and i am drowning........
so most generally i keep busy from the time my feet hit the floor till i cant work any more at night and fall into bed..........
Plus two days a week i have a part time job that pays the rent (via landlord and restoring a 1993 Dodge 4x4 pickup).......

*What is she getting out of your relationship? *

I think she feels full-filled and that she see's nothing wrong........
how i feel, i feel like i am struggling with everything i do. i feel i am getting maybe 0 to 5% out of the relationship..... body langauge or very mixed crossed wires...... i have to beg for a fix.. and when that happens i hear a sigh and my hand hurts cause she keeps switching from left to right...........Or she starts talking about her co-workers or anything else that just kills the mood, and i have said that so its like she is doing it on puppose............she always says to wake her up and i have done that three times in the last 5 years and it will never happen again cause its the f word over and over and why did you wake me..........so that is why i am confused. i hope i dont confuse to many here, cause i cant think straight............
overwhelmed is an understatement........

*Where did diabetes come into the equation ref your operation etc?*

went in for blood work so they can check this and that for what ever reason, before surgery....... ofcourse i didnt know and went for breakfast on the way in........they said i was border line and went with it, cause being one handed for over 3 years i gained 80 some pounds over weight. my health is back to normal after alot of hard work,and i think that pisses her off too....... and besides that i know for a fact she isnt taking her meds i havent filled them in over three months, its like she thinks it will go away........and thats a fight cause i keep sayng i care for her but she doesnt care..............

Then her sister was here for 2 weeks also, im guessing its not a good idea to talk to her as well.......... shes the worst control freak who knows everything..........and anything..........
Thats why i went looking for answers this morning when i found this site............
hopefully that helps...... i bet i could pile it all togather and have a best seller on the shelves..........
thanks for anyhelp,
thunderbolt64 












madimoff said:


> Don't want to try to answer specifics, just to say you sound totally overwhelmed and (by your own admission) finding it hard to put your thoughts straight.
> Sit down, take a breath and write yourself some notes. Have you spoken to her about feeling the struggle with the house & your hand(s)? How old are your kids? (and why aren't they helping?) Who disciplines them? What is she getting out of your relationship? What are you getting out of your relationship? Where did diabetes come into the equation ref your operation etc?
> Then..... if you put some thoughts together as a result of all those answers, re-post & I'm sure someone will come up with some ideas!
> nb it would be only too easy to be judgemental one way or the other, and I want to avoid that hence all the questions


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I think SunnyT speaks a lot of truth, but I´d start by saying if you are contributing to paying your son through college you are entitled to a say in how he behaves when heś in (presumably YOUR - rented OR owned) home. Ditto girlfriend, she should conform to rules. Ditto everyone frankly, and thatś where SunnyT is right. You might find you're wising up too late to have an easy turnround but wise up is what it appears you have to do. 
nb śhe says she will talk to them' - why don't YOU talk to them? Or is she the one and only boss as opposed to being a partner parent?


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

Well here's another day no comment. not from lack of trying, i speak everyone shuts up, not a word spoken.........
I did get one thank you for packing her cooler bag.. BUT
1: Not for making sure her laundry was done and readily folded in the bathroom downstairs.
2: For making the trip to a U-Pull it parts yard for tires for my oldest son's car cause he cant afford it, (45 minute's drive eachway) . the walk around the yard for almost an hour till we found some.......paying for them, coming home and help pulled his tire's off , went to the garage in town paid to have 5 tires pulled and three mounted.......... plus put them back on his car... 
3: run for something to make for dinner.
4: get dinner ready for the oven..
5: chop up some salad and tomato's
6: finish up todays dishes, found sink leaking when full and holding....almost a fire in the basement, cause of said leak, leaking on a extention cord....... my bad......
7:Served dinner to her (everything)
8:asked if she wanted some chocolate cake, which was a yes only.......
9: grabbed a towel for her and handed it to her, grabbed back the shampo and conditioner said i would cary them up for her.....
10: tried to talk about oldest sons new lease for village home off campaus... no responce....
11: picked up dinner dishes and placed them in the sink... (Paper plates rule!) off into the trash
12: refridge i put in her truck she was giving to a co-worker didnt need it so took it back out and straightened up her s-10 blazer (which i bought her last Nov). am always cleaning it up!! she keeps saying i need to get to my truck and i fall for it every time and clean it up........my bad.......... guess i am just to nice a person..............i am really a nice guy and love her to death... BUT i may need to open my eyes soon..... cause i am tired of being hurt! 
13:carried her purse (which weighs atleast 15 pounds) to the truck then come in and grab cooler bag. she walks out behind me and asks did you grab my truck keys........... you guessed it! back in i go for them, hand them to her and not even a kiss goodnight...........Just i will see you in the morning............ dont think i will be here in the morning..... for acouple hours, will need to just go out for a drive for awhile.........

14: almost forgot, while playing tag at the park with my daughter (10 1/2) and my youngest son (18)(Last night before the sun went down i was doing great till i went down the kiddy slide and my left foot stopped half way down the slide. i woke up this morning and couldnt walk down the stairs...... been a long day, and not once did she say why you limping...... cause last weekend while working on sister in laws truck i had said i could use a back rub and my shoulders a bit.......hand was sore. something new i wasnt used to since the surgery........Its been a re-learn for sure.........

also to top it all off i have been struggling with life since 1982 then again in 1988......then another scare last year during surgery.....which i had a bad feeling about that one, but yet like i said no support...... i think she was hoping i would die or something.........
1982 was with my dads loaded 357 which i skipped school that day, cause i was getting picked on etc....... but then thought no i couldnt leave them a mess what would they think..........
1988 me and my first wife sepparated (cause she was screwing around and i caught her, got back togather moved to my home town to start over when i came home from work one day to find she had packed up the house and left me with my dog and one frying pan........ garage and 12 pack later i just needed one more minute.............. but atlast i was found..........
Am i wrong for thinking this, have i been cheating death since 1982 or 1988.............. i know the difference between right and wrong and have always wonder what if..........
i am with the one i love why doesnt she love me back...... were have i gone wrong..... i have tried to look back and fiqure it out but i see nothing....................

sorry dont mean to write this but i think it needed to be said........

No one knows about the 1982 or the 1988........this is the first time i have opened up........and to get it off my chest......
guess i shouldnt vent.... because i am new here and it wont happen again............so sorry.........

thunderbolt64
PS: i keep asking her what i have done wrong, but dont get an anwser.......Nor do i get an answer when i say why do i need 500 shirts..........or anybody for that matter...... she's a cloths horder if thats helps any and she knows i really really hate cloths shoping cause we dont need........but still does it..........so i am guessing thats an issue......as well.......sorry for the long read been a busy day here..........and didnt mean to do a play by play..... but more of a (what my day has been like)


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

I forgot to add acouple things..
one losing this weight and walking twice a day for 30 minutes have got my energy back full! can walk up the stairs more then once now, in fact one day i went up and down ten times and it didnt fazz me one bit! and i am a smoker..........
lastly my wife is coming up on her 50th birthday in a few months (shes 4 years older then me), and it may be a hormonal thing but god forbid me to suggest her getting another check up. cause it will never work.......
dont know how long to deal with it.......... but acouple things i have noticed is she forgets alot,and after being awaken she snaps for a bit, and then 5 minutes later its like nothing happened............

thunderbolt64


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Mate, you are a doormat pure and simple. You need to draw some lines in the sand and stick to them. 

Be the man and stop letting EVERYONE walk all over you. 

Do not beg/plead/grovel or ask. Tell and Do. Do not waiver, do not negotiate. 

Figure out what is important to you and do not accept anything less. 

Be firm, be fair, and be consistent.

If you are not getting any sugar from her, do not give any sugar in return, that includes doing things for her, shows of affection of any kind.

There are plenty of resources for you in the Men's Club House on this very forum, get reading.


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

Thanks i will go there and read up........

one thing tho the "term" Doormat is?

thunderbolt64




Mephisto said:


> Mate, you are a doormat pure and simple. You need to draw some lines in the sand and stick to them.
> 
> Be the man and stop letting EVERYONE walk all over you.
> 
> ...


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

A doormat something that is constantly stepped on and people wipe their filthy feet on to get where they want to be.... somewhere more comfortable. You know..... the thing that lies out front of your door.....


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

ok ouch, what i was fiquring it out to be........

brb going to remove the doormat now! see what happens.......


thanks everyone on your input! have a major headach now, but i am sure i will see the light soon......

time to regroup................

thunderbolt64.



Mephisto said:


> A doormat something that is constantly stepped on and people wipe their filthy feet on to get where they want to be.... somewhere more comfortable. You know..... the thing that lies out front of your door.....


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## thunderbolt64 (Jul 18, 2011)

Ok maybe some one can see these signs better........
how my morning went.......
the W gets home around 9:45 starts talking about her co-workers and this and that, grabs cell phone to play angry birds..while i finish up recording some shows off the dvr box...
got everything cleaned up and laptop put away and i turn off her net book......
shes up for about an hour, says shes going to lay down and heads for the futon, when i say the air is on upstairs and has been for awhile, the W goes naa think i will sleep downstairs for a few hours and crawls onto futon.........
i went and got dressed and head out thru the familly room and she asks if i wanna watch a show with her, i go no i'll watch it later as i slam the door on the way out and front door and got in van and left for 30 minutes..running arrands in town as i was very pissed off......... and knew she would be alseep by the time i got back...and i was right the W was asleep.........
am i missing something......some one elses views?

thunderbolt64


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Well I don't know about manning up, no doubt someone'll say that again as a suggestion. I do, though, understand selfishness and the doormat concept. 
When did you start letting her get her own way? (and that's from someone who likes her own way, but your w is in a league of her own if your posts are accurate)
What you should be looking at is not what's wrong, that's patently obvious. It's how on earth to salvage anything of the marriage if that's what you want. You don't want to be a servant, errand-runner, car fixer, etc., the rest of your life AND be treated like the proverbial do you? 
Next time you reply, try to answer these points. 
Plus...do you ever see Dr Phil? OK so much is babble but his favourite phrase has to be 'get real'. Seems about right.


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