# not sure what to do



## may13 (Mar 4, 2012)

Glad I found this site. Here's my story and I'm hoping that a few of you can give me some insight as whaqt to do next.

I am 27 and currently pregnant with our first child. We have been married for 6 years. My husband is 29. 

We have always had trust issues bc when we were dating I would lie about little stuff. I have lied my entire life, one of those things that I grew up doing as a barrier and way to cope. I have been working on major issue since we got engaged, professional help, spiritual help, and self help. so yeah, we've had problems since the beginning. 

The last 2 1/2 years have been great!!! We've been communicating prefectly, our sex life has been fantastic and we have gotten closer than ever. Here's the issue....I've always had some female friends that my husband gets especially close to. Then he starts calling them and venting, then they develope a texting relationship. This has been fine until recently bc my friends have all told him to stop bc it's not appropriate. Until now...

Recently an old friend from high school has come back into my life. I've always kept her at arms length bc I do not trust her at all. She has a history of bad relationships with married men. Well, my husband has latched onto her now. They have been texting and calling each other all the time. From January 21st to March 2 there have been 6,936 texts to and from this girl and my husband. The calls from 1/21 to 2/19 are 1186 mins. I had voiced my concern about the two of them talking all the time to my husband and he told me I would have to get over it. She was his friend and I'm his wife, he chose me. I had to go out of town from Feb 15 to Feb 19 which is when the Chicago Autoshow was going on. I tried calling him on Saturday the 18th numerous times and I tried texting him. The ONLY thing I had asked him not to do while I was gone was to have this girl over to the house. Well he found a loop hole and invited her to the autoshow without telling me. He lied when i confronted him about it over the phone, I finally got the truth out of him and he apologized. I asked him to stop talking to her after a huge fight between her and I and him and I. He said that he would and he was upset over losing his friend. Come to find out He never stopped talking to her. 399 texts since monday, 485 mins since monday. He was deleting the texts so I could not read them, and wouldn't find out about his texting. I confronted him and then her. He lied to her about me being ok with them talking. I have talked to her and she has agree to not contact him until we work everything out. My dear husband on the other hand, has taken to having HUGE hissy fits and blaming me that he can't have any friends. I am not against him having friends, I am against him hiding it from me.How do I make him see this without getting into another huge fight? Can our marriage even be saved at this point? I am so done with the fighting and his temperment, I afraid i will not have any walls left in the house bc he keeps punching them. After having struggled with infertility for the past 6 years this child should be blessing, but I am starting to resent being pregnant bc now i am stuck with him forever. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME GUIDANCE AS TO WHY I AM NOT ENOUGH WOMAN FOR MY HUSBAND?!?!?!?!?


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## lion+rooster (Mar 3, 2012)

If he doesn't change his cheating, violent ways VERY soon, I say leave him. What an a-hole, seriously.

1. Don't you dare think you're "not enough woman," for him or for anyone. He sounds like he has a real issue with commitment, or is addicted to the hunt for other women. Similar things could be said about your ex-friend who has a history of being the "other woman." They have issues they're not dealing with, and the fact that it's a pattern for both of them says WAY more about them than about you. You, on the other hand done a lot of good work on yourself, and you should be proud, and not beat yourself up over this.

2. Go to counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. 

3. Talk to your friends about this (the ones who were texting with him and then told him to knock it off when he got too intense with it). Their perspective might be invaluable to helping you understand the situation, and figure out what to do. They sound like good friends who really have your back. 

3. Just because you're going have a kid doesn't mean that you have to be "stuck with him forever." Being a single mom is hard, and custody battles can be hard too, but there are lots of single parents out there. And if he's PUNCHING WALLS (!!!) then he REALLY shouldn't be raising a child. You may not be safe at home right now either, if his temper's really that bad. Talk to your friends, your family, make sure you have a backup place to stay.


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## Naturegirl (Mar 4, 2012)

hi May ,

I agre with the previous poster ,please get some counseling for yourself ,if he won`t go with you ,go yourself.........

and if your husband will punch walls ,he`s violent and will get violent on you ; please ,do NOT tolerate this behavior.......

your husband is trying to justify having (at the very least) an emotional affair ,this has NOTHING to do with you not being enough woman for him ,NOTHING.........

just because you have a child on the way doesn`t mean you have to stay and put up with his behavior; there is help out there for you.........

best wishes ,

naturegirl


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

This does not have anything to do with you not being woman enough for your husband.

Have you seen the contents of the texts or heard what they talk about on the phone?

If not, ask him to show you the contents of the texts.

You asked him to stop communicating with her, he agreed, then continued doing it in secret until you found out. Are there any consequences for him for lying to you? 

Presently, I think he should hand over his phone to you.

Seven months pregnant after trying for six years, hormones running wild, plus devastated that what you expected to be one of the happiest times of your life is turnning out to be one of the unhappiest. I know you must be upset and afraid. Try your best to stay calm. Keep the health of your baby in mind. Let your doctor know what is going on so he can monitor you more closely if needed. I am assuming your husband really wanted this child as well. Ask him to cool his jets and not get you upset at least until your baby is born. Remind him it is his baby, too.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't think the problem is that you're "Not woman enough for him", I think the problem is that the way he's acting, he's not "Man Enough"-period.


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## Brown Sugar (Mar 4, 2012)

I agree...this is NOT about you being enough of a woman-it is HIM being not enough of a man. I remember hearing from Oprah or someone that in a friendship where the are opposite sex, more often than not, one of the parties develops "feelings" for the other that are more than just friendly. The fact that your other girlfriends found their interactions with him to be inappropriate says a lot!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

"*He was deleting the texts so I could not read them*, and wouldn't find out about his texting. I confronted him and then her. He lied to her about me being ok with them talking. I have talked to her and she has agree to not contact him until we work everything out. My dear husband on the other hand, has taken to having HUGE hissy fits and *blaming me that he can't have any friends*."

Ask him why he doesn't want you to see the texts. Ask him, if she is just another friend, why would he care if you saw the texts? Does he delete all of his texts or just hers? Has he always deleted texts, or just since he started up with her? Ask him what he would think if the roles were reversed, about the overwhelming amount of contact and the secrecy and, I am assuming, refusal to actually show you the texts.

"*The last 2 1/2 years have been great!!! *We've been communicating prefectly, our sex life has been fantastic and we have gotten closer than ever. Here's the issue....I've always had some female friends that my husband gets especially close to. Then he starts calling them and venting, then they develope a texting relationship. *This has been fine until recently bc my friends have all told him to stop bc it's not appropriate*."

You realize that this statement is contradictory. If he has always been venting to your friends and they are the ones who have had to tell him to stop, your last 2 1/2 great years have more to do with your good friends than your lousy husband.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh, this is not innocent. He is cheating; at the bare minimum it's a full blown emotional affair. Don't believe anything he says, especially about what a rotten person you are. It's the blame game and every cheater does it.


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