# I regret getting married



## ariadne12 (Nov 9, 2012)

I love my husband like I love a best friend or brother. I married impulsively and to get out of a bad situation. I regret the decisions I made that lead up to our marriage and now I struggle with being emotionally faithful and not having eyes for other men. We don't have kids. If I could go back and do it again I wouldn't have married him. I was 20 and very immature. 

This is a feeling I've had since day one. I walked down the isle knowing I wasn't marrying the love of my life, but I was in a state or fear and fog. I've suppressed it for two years but now I'm ready to confront it. I'm not passionate about us and our wedding day wasn't the happiest day of my life. I could say I've had better. I feel like I'm living a lie.

How should I move forward? Councilor? Honesty? Suck it up and have children with him, or divorce? Are their better options? Should I just try and forget I feel that way and not confront it at all?
I can't believe I made vows that I didn't have drive to keep. I didn't understand what the heck I was doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Do you both a big favor and get a divorce. If you truly don't "love" him as a husband, he or you will eventually start cheating and the pain of discovery will be worse for the betrayed than if you just split now. With no children involved, it's "no harm, no foul".


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## wifehubby (Jan 28, 2012)

Don't you dare have children with him!

I think you should explain to him how you feel, expect for him to be EXTREMELY hurt and sad.

However, we don't know you here and I think you should get the advice of people who know you maybe there is something else at play


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Please divorce your husband, do NOT bring children into this world feeling this way about their father, it will only destruct their lives... No man (or woman) wants to be in a marriage where the other feels as you just described, sex would be reduced to pity sex, happiness a sham. Laughter will not fill your home. 

Just be honest about your hand in why you walked down that aisle, he will be very hurt, a bag of emotions, even anger. But ultimately he deserves the right/ the freedom to move on with another woman who has Passion & desire for him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do him and yourself both a favor and tell the truth. Lies have a sneaky way of coming out and biting you in the ass.

Just let him go as he deserves someone who truly does love him. And you deserve to be with someone you love as well.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

I don't know what your vows were, but mine promised to be faithful, to always be sincere about taking care of her, to respect and to care for, no matter what. 

Conspicuously, you say nothing much about the man you married. As this is all about you. You're focusing on you. No, not a criticism... But you saw him as an escape from something, I don't know what, and now that the bait worked, you're ready to switch... 

I guess I have to ask... Is there some terrible reason you can't love him? I suspect he has clues that you've used him, and I suspect he wonders why you have certain aspects of your marriage that just don't seem right, but he married you, hasn't abused you, and I'd say loves you and committed to you. 

Are you that cold inside that has no effect on your heart? My gawd, you have someone that loves you, gave you the ring and said "I do" and apparently has done, with all the women here talking about not finding a man who'll pull that trigger. And here you have one who gave you his name, makes love to you (we assume there's at least some sex.. or maybe he's here with a different alias, but I don't recognize the story), and does husband things to, for, and with you. 

You have a love right in front of you, all but surrounding you. Can't you let any of it in? It sounds to me a little like you might have walled yourself off to a degree, made a "deal with the devil" so to speak.. But you say nothing of him being the devil or even being bad. 

I hate to sound like I'm begging for him. But in this case, my heart breaks for him and his love hasn't seemed to have moved you an inch. Or has it?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Do him and yourself both a favor and tell the truth. Lies have a sneaky way of coming out and biting you in the ass.
> 
> Just let him go as he deserves someone who truly does love him. And you deserve to be with someone you love as well.


She can't "let him go", he's not trying to leave. She's the one trying to let herself go. I'm thinking that all the elements are there, except the one that says "I freaking want this guy..." 

I think she might be able to see that in him, if she stopped navel gazing.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> I was 20 and very immature.


Now, are you mature enough to tell your spouse?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Being married to your best friend isn't a bad deal. Being married to your brother would be a little sick. If you were expecting to feel fireworks every day for the rest of your life, that aint happening, no matter who you start with. I expect every married person looks at other folks now and then. That doesn't mean your marriage is bad or you married the wrong person. It just means you can see. Folks all over the world marry people they don't even know and those marriages tend to last far longer than our "forever love" style unions. The folks with 70 plus year marriages didn't marry a perfect person, they just married someone who happened to be equally committed to making it work. What you did three years ago at the ceremony isn't as important as what you did today and what you will do tomorrow.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Let go of him and let go of the lies.

YOU are keeping him from being with a woman who TRULY loves HIM, who TRULY wants to bear his children, who TRULY wants to build a life with him.

You used him and you feel like cr*p. You have lost respect for yourself. The only way to gain it back is to "woman up" and tell him the truth, NOW before the holidays. Do not let him believe your lies for one more week.

There is NO WAY to repair the damage you have done, BUT you CAN atone to some degree by learning the lesson, moving forward, living your life with dignity, being an honest and forthright person from here on out, and being BRAVE enough to face YOURSELF, your fears, your husband, your future.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

It's almost impossible to go wrong by being completely, 100% honest.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Having kids before you work these issues out is criminal.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Leave the marriage. It's not a difficult thing to do.

I left my first husband. I did find the perfect man to spend the rest of my life with. However, I'd be perfectly happy living life alone if I never met my current husband. I do not need a man to make myself happy. Only I can fulfill my own happiness.


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## Costa (Nov 24, 2012)

Divorce him and be good friends. Continue to respect each other. I married the wrong man too. He was terrible as a husband, but alright as a friend.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

How long have you been married? You say you have felt this way the whole time, but how long is that? There had to be some reason you got married, regretting the entire thing might not be necessary.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> How should I move forward? Councilor? Honesty? Suck it up and have children with him, or divorce? Are their better options? Should I just try and forget I feel that way and not confront it at all?
> I can't believe I made vows that I didn't have drive to keep. I didn't understand what the heck I was doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does your intuition is telling you? Where would you like to see yourself in 5 years? What do you need to do to be happy, to have a fulfilling life?


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Indeed you do need to know who you are and what you want before you make any drastic moves. And be upfront with it all with your H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I regret not being a better wife in the years past when life was so busy. I regret refusing my husband his most precious gift. We all have regrets. It's up to us to fix them.

One thing I learned is not to dwell on the past. I look forward everyday as a new day and what I can do to better myself as a wife and as a mother. I do my best to look for the positives in life.

Good luck, I do hope you figure it all out.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

ariadne12 said:


> I love my husband like I love a best friend or brother. I married impulsively and to get out of a bad situation. *I regret the decisions I made that lead up to our marriage and now I struggle with being emotionally faithful and not having eyes for other men.* We don't have kids. If I could go back and do it again I wouldn't have married him. I was 20 and very immature.
> 
> This is a feeling I've had since day one. I walked down the isle knowing I wasn't marrying the love of my life, but I was in a state or fear and fog. I've suppressed it for two years but now I'm ready to confront it. I'm not passionate about us and our wedding day wasn't the happiest day of my life. I could say I've had better. I feel like I'm living a lie.
> 
> ...


This is your way of saying you cheated on him right? "I regret the decisions I made leading up to the marriage"? 

You're not living a lie. You are a lie.

No matter what happens from this point on, your husband is going to suffer horrible pain.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Took only 2 years of marriage before my wife pulled the same thing. Only there was a child involved. (Inside of wedlock.) 

My advice, dont have kids. If you feel like you were in a fog, then get out and get out now. You owe to him and yourself. I dont care if it means you will have a hard time, or you might suffer financially from this. He is going to have to face the facts of knowing he lived with someone who didn't want to be with him. 

That being said. Are you SURE you aren't in a fog now? Are you depressed from something else? What were the events leading up t marrying him? How much older is he then you? Is he "successful"?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

hookares said:


> Do you both a big favor and get a divorce. If you truly don't "love" him as a husband, he or you will eventually start cheating and the pain of discovery will be worse for the betrayed than if you just split now. With no children involved, it's "no harm, no foul".


I agree, and that's speaking from experience. Yes, it will hurt him to hear that you don't love him as a husband. But, I can tell you I much rather would hear that upfront than after years of him trying to fix something that was never there to begin with.

You see, he does love you as a wife, in all likelihood. When your feelings start to manifest in the relationship (and they will) he will try harder to make you happy, thinking that something he did must have caused you to be unhappy. When the truth comes out, he will probably regret (if not resent) all the wasted time and effort that he can never reclaim.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

gbrad said:


> How long have you been married? You say you have felt this way the whole time, but how long is that? There had to be some reason you got married, regretting the entire thing might not be necessary.


She said she got married to get out of a bad situation. I feel for anyone that feels that desperate to get out of anywhere. It must seem like a godsend to feel unwanted and then have all this love and attention lavished upon you.

But that does not change that the OP used her husband and made him a secondary victim of whatever she endured. It also doesn't change that she is going to feel worse and worse about this marriage as the pain of the past fades into memory.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Be honest with your husband as soon as possible. 

If you have been cheating be honest with him about that.

And then divorce him so he can find someone who can love him.


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi,

There are many reasons why people share their worries/troubles with other people. It is to seek out some answers in what the person should do. I feel you are asking us what you should do. Should you stay married with your husband or should you leave. The answer to your question is up to you. You are the only person that knows how you feel. You can read what we have to say, but ultimately the end result is up to you. The only thing that we can help you with is to get you to think before making another decision in leaving your husband that you might regret. Take your time in making decisions that can affect your entire life. Ask yourself does your husband have the qualities of a loyal and respecting partner? Could you see living without him? Our experiences have made us who we are today!
Take,
Care
Sonia


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Let your husband have a life where he can find a spouse who does love him.

DON"T HAVE CHILDREN. In fact stop having SEX with your husband since he needs to make this break NOW.

Since you used him to get out of a situation by marrying him, do not take in the divorce assets that he needs or take alimony. 

You have stated you got what you wanted, You got out of a BAD situation by Using him therefore, he deserves not to be further punished by you taking alimony or taking assets he has worked for.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> I love my husband like I love a best friend or brother. I married impulsively and to get out of a bad situation. I regret the decisions I made that lead up to our marriage and now I struggle with being emotionally faithful and not having eyes for other men. We don't have kids. If I could go back and do it again I wouldn't have married him. I was 20 and very immature.
> 
> This is a feeling I've had since day one. I walked down the isle knowing I wasn't marrying the love of my life, but I was in a state or fear and fog. I've suppressed it for two years but now I'm ready to confront it. I'm not passionate about us and our wedding day wasn't the happiest day of my life. I could say I've had better. I feel like I'm living a lie.
> 
> ...


Look up the meaning of FRAUD...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Wow, pretty harsh words from some responses here. We don't have much info and we don't have anything from hubby's viewpoint. So I don't think we can give any strong advice on whether to leave or stay today.

I think the first thing is to see a counselor of some kind. If there is a way to save this marriage as a really great marriage, it is worth doing. But you are more important than your marriage from the standpoint that you owe yourself to be happy and whole. Being miserable in a marriage is only going to make everybody around you miserable too.

A counselor can help you figure out your feelings. I bet your husband has some issues too, and so there is room for individual counseling and some marriage counseling.

I would tell your husband that you are concerned at the state of the marriage and you want to do everything possible to turn it into a really great marriage. Clue him in to how you are feeling.

There are some great books out there, such as "5 Love Languages", "How to Get the Love You Want", "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay", and "Passionate Marriage".

Ultimately it is a kindness to him to end the marriage if you are not able to change how you feel about it.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

In my opinion there is no way to have a happy marriage if you were regretting before you even got married. Just divorce. Yes you were selfish and mean to do this. Your H was naive and not very smart allowing this to happen to him.

FFS don't have kids.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

it's better to leave him, because if you're heart is not in it, then you're wasting both of your times. 

i did a similar thing, but i did love my ex-husband. after 6 days of marriage, a whole new story came about of abuse, his cheating, and other various issues. 

maybe there is some way to terminate this relationship on a positive note with the help of a therapist. The therapist can help address various issues such as counseling, individual, mediation, exploring possibilities, etc.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

A couple that I considered good friends, seemingly quite perfect for each other, broke up and got divorced. The husband said he wasn't happy being married, wasn't in love, and wanted to end it. It was shocking. 

Everyone really disliked him for being heartless and just breaking up with a beautiful, smart, geeky-in-a-good-way woman with no 'real reason'. There was never a bit of evidence he was cheating. I really don't think he had found an OW. He simply wasn't happy anymore and didn't want to continue in a relationship without a happy future. 

I've come to see that what he did was actually an honorable, right thing to do, when we see so often that marriages collapse from EA and PA, FalseR, lies and deception. I don't think they did MC, which probably would have been best, to at least make an honest attempt, but I don't have the info there. 

They're both happy now, the woman is married to a great guy and is expecting. The man has a GF as I understand it and they're both happy. 

Both could move on to better things- before kids came into the picture.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't want to pile on here because you obviously have some remorse, but whitemouse raised the point I was going to, so I'll simply say: 

What's his name? Where did you meet? and How long has it been going on?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I don't understand why people say she USED him. Just because she wasn't in love with him from the beginning does not mean the marriage was a waste of time or an awful experience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Costa said:


> Divorce him and be good friends. Continue to respect each other. I married the wrong man too. He was terrible as a husband, but alright as a friend.


I had a girl friend who dumped me. She told me she wanted us to continue being friends. *She lied. She really wanted me to vanish off the face of the earth and not get in her way*.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I don't understand why people say she USED him. Just because she wasn't in love with him from the beginning does not mean the marriage was a waste of time or an awful experience.


She used him to get out of a bad situation. And she has stolen, so far, two years of his life.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> She used him to get out of a bad situation. And she has stolen, so far, two years of his life.


Why is it "stealing" years of his life? Just because a relationship isn't perfect, doesn't mean it is a waste.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Why is it "stealing" years of his life? Just because a relationship isn't perfect, doesn't mean it is a waste.


This is not a dating relationship. It's a marriage. When he married he most likely thought that he was marrying someone to spend his life with and to build a family with.

Instead what he got was someone who was looking to use him for a short time to get out of a bad situation.

Do you think he would have married her if she had told him the truth? 

There were expenses for starting a life together. Now there are expenses for getting a divorce and moving on.

And in all of this he will most likely have his heart broken.

She took more than two years of his life which he could have spent looking for and marrying someone who actually loves him and wants to spend her life with him.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I think the commitment to marry changes you - no matter if you're 20 or 40 when you get married. It's the biggest incentive there is to face your ****, become a better person, honour another, and realize your dreams. And it's work. Most marriages can be worked on and be fulfilling.

Anyone who wants an easy marriage -- unless your partner feels the same way and you're both willing to compromise hugely -- is fooling themselves. It's work, and if you don't want to do the work, fall down, get up and do some more work, you won't see the rewards. You'll leave/have an affair/find some reason like "I'm not happy" and bow out. Good luck on the next relationship if you're not willing to eventually do all the same things you could have done within this marriage. Except now you'll have the knowledge that yes, you wasted years of someone else's life. 

If your husband is not wanting to stay married either -- all the better for him. You shouldn't stay in a marriage unless you believe in love. But marriage-love is not fairy-tale love. 

And if you're on the way out, you have an obligation to do it as kindly and respectfully as possible. Own up to your mistakes, at least.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Ele, I will have to respectfully disagree with you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Ele, I will have to respectfully disagree with you.


What culture are you from? Certainly a Western Judeo-Christian culture would agree with Ele entirely. I have to assume you are from somewhere else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Ele, I will have to respectfully disagree with you.


You don't have to agree.

But it might be wise to realize for most people, if their spouse lied to them about the very foundation of their relationship to get married and continued that lie for their entire relations... the y would feel, rightly so, that their marriage was based on a lie and feel that they had wasted all that time. They would have preferred to know the turth so that they could meet someone who would actually tell them the truth and love them.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Please divorce your husband, do NOT bring children into this world feeling this way about their father, it will only destruct their lives... No man (or woman) wants to be in a marriage where the other feels as you just described, sex would be reduced to pity sex, happiness a sham. Laughter will not fill your home.
> 
> Just be honest about your hand in why you walked down that aisle, he will be very hurt, a bag of emotions, even anger. But ultimately he deserves the right/ the freedom to move on with another woman who has Passion & desire for him.



The Oracle has spoken!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

KanDo said:


> What culture are you from? Certainly a Western Judeo-Christian culture would agree with Ele entirely. I have to assume you are from somewhere else.


You assume incorrectly.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> You don't have to agree.
> 
> But it might be wise to realize for most people, if their spouse lied to them about the very foundation of their relationship to get married and continued that lie for their entire relations... the y would feel, rightly so, that their marriage was based on a lie and feel that they had wasted all that time. They would have preferred to know the turth so that they could meet someone who would actually tell them the truth and love them.


Just because they got married for different reasons does not mean that it was based on a lie. To me, the important aspect is that both people got something that they needed out of the relationship. If both parties benefited from the marriage, then it is not a waste of time. Both people can actually be better off in the end, even if the marriage ends.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Just because they got married for different reasons does not mean that it was based on a lie. To me, the important aspect is that both people got something that they needed out of the relationship. If both parties benefited from the marriage, then it is not a waste of time. Both people can actually be better off in the end, even if the marriage ends.


I wouldn't advocate lying about your reason for marrying. If they both knew what the reasons were then sure. But it doesn't seem like she was honest with him. This makes it a lie. 

Deception is what makes this wrong. Not the divorce itself, and divorce is merely the end cause of her "lie". Sorry man. Maybe she was honest with him, and in that case i'm alright with this to an extent that it just didn't work out. Otherwise debate this is foolish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Just because they got married for different reasons does not mean that it was based on a lie. To me, the important aspect is that both people got something that they needed out of the relationship. If both parties benefited from the marriage, then it is not a waste of time. Both people can actually be better off in the end, even if the marriage ends.


I agree with this IF one or both of them did not lie about the basis of the marriage. Marriage does not have to be formed based on some notion of romatic love. For most of human history it was not. It was mostly arranged by elders.


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## cam44 (Feb 10, 2012)

ariadne12 said:


> I love my husband like I love a best friend or brother. I married impulsively and to get out of a bad situation. I regret the decisions I made that lead up to our marriage and now I struggle with being emotionally faithful and not having eyes for other men. We don't have kids. If I could go back and do it again I wouldn't have married him. I was 20 and very immature.
> 
> This is a feeling I've had since day one. I walked down the isle knowing I wasn't marrying the love of my life, but I was in a state or fear and fog. I've suppressed it for two years but now I'm ready to confront it. I'm not passionate about us and our wedding day wasn't the happiest day of my life. I could say I've had better. I feel like I'm living a lie.
> 
> ...


Hopefully he was smart enough to make you sign a prenumptial agreement.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with this IF one or both of them did not lie about the basis of the marriage. Marriage does not have to be formed based on some notion of romatic love. For most of human history it was not. It was mostly arranged by elders.


Well how many people are going to go around saying, "hey I am in a tough financial bind, will you marry me for a while until I am in a stable situation and can support myself." 
But if you at least attempt to do the things that represents an in love marriage, and you try to give the other person what it is they want while getting out of it what you want. Both parties benefit. 
Like I have said, I don't regret my marriage one bit, if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because I felt and still feel that at the time it was the best thing for me and I think it was good for my wife as well.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Well how many people are going to go around saying, "hey I am in a tough financial bind, will you marry me for a while until I am in a stable situation and can support myself."
> But if you at least attempt to do the things that represents an in love marriage, and you try to give the other person what it is they want while getting out of it what you want. Both parties benefit.
> Like I have said, I don't regret my marriage one bit, if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because I felt and still feel that at the time it was the best thing for me and I think it was good for my wife as well.


Disagree. Essentially my wife was in a tough spot and married me under the guise of love. Now everything is suspect and I am blamed for everything because "I should have talked her out of it." 

I dont regret marrying my wife because yes I did love her and I got a beautiful child out of it. There will always be a part of me that "never gets over it" though because at the end of the day. It was all lies. 

Going through the motions is as hurtful as duty sex. Which I have had a lot of. 

Now if you marry for the wrong reasons, admit it, and admit that there is a perfectly good reason for staying that isn't resentful. Then sure the marriage can work and what you speak of can be true. But I have no idea where or how that recipe can be made. 

Otherwise, I would say that this formula is the recipe for a painful divorce. Which is NEVER the intended goal of a marriage.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

hope4family said:


> Disagree. Essentially my wife was in a tough spot and married me under the guise of love. Now everything is suspect and I am blamed for everything because "I should have talked her out of it."
> 
> I dont regret marrying my wife because yes I did love her and I got a beautiful child out of it. There will always be a part of me that "never gets over it" though because at the end of the day. It was all lies.
> 
> ...


I also do not know the recipe to make it work when speaking truth and admitting to different reasons. And you are right, admitting that probably does lead to a painful divorce and nobody wants that. So you avoid it by coming up with some other easier to deal with and more manageable means towards divorce in the end.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

It would appear that the OP is banned... is there a way for us to find out why?


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## LemiLekySama (Dec 4, 2012)

If you are unhappy and not emotionally/physically connecting with your husband, you should let him know, how you feel. Maybe after some counseling, your outlook on your marriage may change.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I don't understand why people say she USED him. Just because she wasn't in love with him from the beginning does not mean the marriage was a waste of time or an awful experience.


She herself said that she married him to get out of a bad situation. That means she used him as a means of escape.

She further clarifies that she never had the feelings necessary to meet her responsibilities as his wife, and that she basically sucked it up to get through the marriage and now regrets it.

In concept, this is no different than me going to some girl who is gaga over me, and me telling her I really like her just to get into her pants for one night. Except of course, the OP's husband did not figure out the truth and move on after a couple of nights.

If this (faking feelings for someone for personal benefit) isn't using somebody, then what is?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> But it might be wise to realize for most people, if their spouse lied to them about the very foundation of their relationship to get married and continued that lie for their entire relations... the y would feel, rightly so, that their marriage was based on a lie and feel that they had wasted all that time. They would have preferred to know the turth so that they could meet someone who would actually tell them the truth and love them.


This is the absolute truth. And I'm speaking as someone with personal experience. My ex did not want me in that husbandly way but said she did so I would accept her marriage proposal. I had been pegged as a good future father and provider, and she did not want to give that up.

I found out eventually she had contemplated leaving me several times over the years, but never pulled the trigger until she extracted all the value she could from me. I sorely wish she had bailed far earlier. The marriage would have ended regardless, except now I have regret over the wasted years and resources spent in support of her along with the hurt.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Well how many people are going to go around saying, "hey I am in a tough financial bind, will you marry me for a while until I am in a stable situation and can support myself."
> But if you at least attempt to do the things that represents an in love marriage, and you try to give the other person what it is they want while getting out of it what you want. Both parties benefit.
> Like I have said, I don't regret my marriage one bit, if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because I felt and still feel that at the time it was the best thing for me and I think it was good for my wife as well.


I could not disagree more. Two points to make:

1) I agree a person would not say "hey I am in a tough financial bind, will you marry me for a while until I am in a stable situation and can support myself". The reason is that person would find few if any takers. So, such people manipulate their way into the marriage - it is founded on a lie, and that's why it is wrong.

2) Most people, I suspect, marry with the intent to build a life with their spouse. Being deceived into marriage for another's gain violates that basic premise. That person is looking to benefit from rather than build with their spouse. Most likely, that person will not give as much as they would otherwise, and when you have a spouse going in for love (and thus giving their utmost), that loving spouse is being cheated.

A personal note: my late grandfather used to say "right is right, and wrong is wrong". Many situations in life are that simple, and this is one of those situations. I know there are lonely, hurting people out in this world, but no amount of hurt gives someone the right to lie to another to get their own needs met. We are certainly not talking about a starving person hustling a meal, or other such dire circumstances.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

DTO said:


> I could not disagree more. Two points to make:
> 
> 1) I agree a person would not say "hey I am in a tough financial bind, will you marry me for a while until I am in a stable situation and can support myself". The reason is that person would find few if any takers. So, such people manipulate their way into the marriage - it is founded on a lie, and that's why it is wrong.
> 
> ...


I understand your perspective and I see how many people could agree with you. Life is full of choices that we make. Once we make those choices we then have to try and make the best of them. I made my choice some years ago and got married. Was it for love? No. Did I know when I got married if I would want it to last forever? No. I hoped things would turn out well and it could last forever and I could be happy with that. Well that has not happened, but I have tried to make the best of the situation. Over the years of our marriage I do think it has benefited BOTH of us. If that had not been the case, then I would look at it differently, but again we both benefited, so there is no using in the relationship. Now I believe it is at a point in the relationship where she benefits more than I do, in part because I am not getting the benefit of happiness. 
Knowing what I know now, I still would have gotten married, it was the right thing to do at the time.


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