# Should I tell her?



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

My ex called me about paperwork this weekend we both received from the government regarding our date of separation. We have to fill in our date of separation, etc. 
This is the first time we spoke since September. We were cordial. We spoke for 3 hours. She was driving down south ( Ontario ) to visit her daughter. We went over some good times, the reasons we weren't compatible, my shortcomings ( yet she never voiced hers even though I brought up the problems she presented, including lack of intimacy, too much texting, her pulling away, etc. ) 

She mentioned at least 4 times how she never cheated. I am sceptical of this because of her actions during the separation, yet she proclaims this to be true. She turned into a ***** days after we split. She ****ed my friend the very night I moved out of the home after 9 years, and it was pre-meditated through texts throughout the 2 months I resided in the home while separated. 

She doesn't know I know this. I never revealed to her that I know this, although in the past when I brought up that I caught her texting him right after we split, she said "I ended talking to him" She did not. They kept texting, which lead to their sex night the night I left...and another that Christmas when he came to town again. 

The conversation ended ok...we talked about our new vehicles, her son's new job at a grocery store, and her daughter's last year in college that is ending soon. 

It's almost as though she was looking to make sure we were "ok"...or that she can go on in her life knowing I have no resentment...but I do...because her and my friend did one of the cruelest things ever to me, right in the thick of a fresh separation where she should have been lamenting our break up. Even sicker, she said she contacted him to speak of her daughter's depression at the time, and depression is what lead this ex friend's sister to hang herself, so there was a commonality there, yet my ex wife did this without telling me. If it was so innocent, why did she do it behind my back?...and then my ex wife turned it in to sex...she admitted all this to me when I posed as a fake guy through text who pretended he wanted to hook up with her...she revealed everything to him, which was in fact, me. 

So, I know the truth, but I never told her I know. During this talk on Saturday, she told me how much more she has in common with this new guy of a year now, and how he is 300 pounds but it's the person who matters, etc. She then said that he never wants to live with her, and she said the same...but I think she was disappointed in his take on this. She said to me nothing lasts forever, and she lives day by day...but I think she was hoping to live with him in the future, but he doesn't want that...for the record, her and I will NEVER get together again. She has done too much damage to me, and she will never want me again as a partner...which is very, very good! I agree with this, and in no way do I want her again in my life at all... 

So my question is this: 

Why can't I tell her I know about what she did? 

I think it might make me look weak at this point, 2 years later... 

It is a burden in my psyche that haunts me daily. 

Doesn't she deserve to know I know? She is living everyday with the security that I don't have a clue, because if she found out I knew, she would know I understand what kind of low-life she is...and it's important to her that she believes I think she didn't do this, for her own peace of mind. 

Should I just tell her? 

What does it matter now? 

Why is this such a roadblock for me? 

Before I tell this to a counsellor, I was just hoping someone on here could chime in...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For what it is worth, I have never told my RSXW about my massive compendium of evidence that I have against her that she cheated! Even until this very day, it literally rips my heart out and my soul apart to pick up and view that repetitious evidentiary matter! 

It was totally useless from a legal standpoint because Texas is one of those no-fault divorce states! If I gave her a copy of it, she'd only set her copy on fire and continue to live in perpetual denial!

When I finally visited with my minister about it, he told me to file it and forget about it, and to tell no one, as it would be more devisive than truthfully useful! He reassured me that she would have to come to grips with her impropriety, if not in this world, then before God himself!

I was advised to duly "let go" because of the scriptural admonition, "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord ~ I will repay!"

Because of that, I say that you should just move on and concentrate on finding a woman who is truly capable in loving you for who you are!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wait until after the divorce is done, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

...I will take your advice into consideration, Arbitrator, but I think I have to do this more for me, yet it's so hard, and I don't know why. It eats me up daily. I feel she should pay for her wrongdoing somehow...it seems she is content by never admitting it to me, but by knowing I know, I may get relief knowing that some guilt has overshadowed her...even more so than already exists...I won't tell her HOW I know, but just the fact that she has done such a horrible thing that keeps me in limbo daily, and has restrained my trust in other relationships thus far...

If I can't trust my wife of 9 years, and a friend of 20+, how can I trust a new woman...I don't like being sceptical and looking for flags right away...it's stagnating my hope in entering a new relationship...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

deg20 said:


> ...I will take your advice into consideration, Arbitrator, but I think I have to do this more for me, yet it's so hard, and I don't know why. It eats me up daily. *I feel she should pay for her wrongdoing somehow..*.it seems she is content by never admitting it to me, but by knowing I know, I may get relief knowing that some guilt has overshadowed her...even more so than already exists...I won't tell her HOW I know, but just the fact that she has done such a horrible thing that keeps me in limbo daily, and has restrained my trust in other relationships thus far...
> 
> If I can't trust my wife of 9 years, and a friend of 20+, how can I trust a new woman...I don't like being sceptical and looking for flags right away...it's stagnating my hope in entering a new relationship...


First thing is first, you need to get this out of your head. No one is going to make her pay. Not the law not the divorce/family courts, not your friends, not her family....NO ONE. Cheating is hardly even a stigma anymore and cheaters don't deal in regrets or remorse. You are consuming so much time dwelling over something she never thinks about. The only revenge is to live well and be glad you don't have someone like this in your life again. 

Second you can't blame other women for her shortcomings. They didn't do those things to you, she did, and that's where the blame needs to stay. You will likely never blindly trust again and keep an more healthy balance in a relationship moving forward but you will find plenty of women worthy of trust and respect. Don't let the actions of one cheater define who you are or what happiness you get from life.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Wolf...hard hitting and true. I think she tries to "check in" with me from time to time ( I do not contact her whatsoever, mind you ) to make sure I don't know, as she probably thinks I will tell her new man, etc. One of my friends and his wife walked by her at a store recently, and they turned their heads away from her. She revealed this to me in our talk, and said she almost cried. I didn't comment whatsoever and changed the subject...she has no idea why my friend and his wife would do this...but I do...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

deg20 said:


> ...I will take your advice into consideration, Arbitrator, but I think I have to do this more for me, yet it's so hard, and I don't know why. It eats me up daily. I feel she should pay for her wrongdoing somehow...it seems she is content by never admitting it to me, but by knowing I know, I may get relief knowing that some guilt has overshadowed her...even more so than already exists...I won't tell her HOW I know, but just the fact that she has done such a horrible thing that keeps me in limbo daily, and has restrained my trust in other relationships thus far...


If it bothers you so much, why not tell her you know and get it off your chest? Calling her a lying POS may make you feel pretty good.

Just don't expect her to be remorseful or admit to anything. In her own mind, she has written a history that everything was okay with the way it happened. In fact, she will most likely continue to deny anything.

Just say what you want to say, then tell her have a nice life, and hang up. Then proceed to a counselor and start to work on how to make your life better without worrying about hers.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What would telling her acheive?

Listen man. My ex wouldn't admit cheating on me when her boyfriend was sitting right next to her arguing with her about it in front of friends. She can't admit it to this day from what I hear.

It's just the way some people are -- delusional.

My only question is why are you spending 3 hours on the phone with this woman? What a waste of time and energy.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

^^^ I agree. Letting her know that she didn't get away with anything will probably make you feel better. She's a fool and you're better off. Even now, with nothing left to lose she's still lying. Pathetic.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Also agree with Marduk...3 hours!?! Ugh. ..why???


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Deg, talking about what went wrong in your relationship (especially for 3 hours) will trigger a lot of hard feelings and make you relive the emotions. In the future you'd be better off to skip those conversations. If you really feel the need to confront her write a letter but don't send it.

BTW the most valuable thing you have to offer to people is your time. Why are you wasting it on her?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> First thing is first, you need to get this out of your head. No one is going to make her pay. Not the law not the divorce/family courts, not your friends, not her family....NO ONE. Cheating is hardly even a stigma anymore and cheaters don't deal in regrets or remorse. You are consuming so much time dwelling over something she never thinks about. The only revenge is to live well and be glad you don't have someone like this in your life again.
> 
> Second you can't blame other women for her shortcomings. They didn't do those things to you, she did, and that's where the blame needs to stay. You will likely never blindly trust again and keep an more healthy balance in a relationship moving forward but you will find plenty of women worthy of trust and respect. Don't let the actions of one cheater define who you are or what happiness you get from life.


I don't agree. He is the poster boy for Nice Guys. 

He needs to expose to at least a few people what she and his friend did. She may not have cheated on him, but she every intention of going nuts the minute the brakes were off. 

I don't think he needs to expose ad-nausea about what a skank wh0re she turned out to be, but if she ever brings it up he should slay her with what he knows. I would not be so forgiving as he is. People who behave badly should not be allowed to get away with it. It is just that kind of molly-coddling mentality that allows bad behavior like this to persist. If he does not, it will eat away at him for the rest of his life. He should make it very clear to her that he knows all the sordid details of what she did, that it will never be okay, and that he will never be friends with someone like her. 

Arb did the same thing...never told anybody, and he will have to live with it too. I could not do that. I'm too vindictive.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Peaf said:


> Also agree with Marduk...3 hours!?! Ugh. ..why???


Yeah, I agree. Three hours of letting her tell him what a lousy husband he was? 

I...just....

I'm speechless when I read this kind of sh!t....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *For what it is worth, I have never told my RSXW about my massive compendium of evidence that I have against her that she cheated! Even until this very day, it literally rips my heart out and my soul apart to pick up and view that repetitious evidentiary matter!
> 
> It was totally useless from a legal standpoint because Texas is one of those no-fault divorce states! If I gave her a copy of it, she'd only set her copy on fire and continue to live in perpetual denial!
> 
> ...


Yeah....well...you have to live with it. If your pastor says its what you have to do then...have at it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> I don't agree. He is the poster boy for Nice Guys.
> 
> He needs to expose to at least a few people what she and his friend did. She may not have cheated on him, but she every intention of going nuts the minute the brakes were off.
> 
> ...


If you really want it to come out, do what I did.

Drunkenly confide to some good friends that were girls how much it hurt you.

Boy, did it all come out then. Girls, they talk. I didn't mean for it to happen... But it happened spectacularly. There wasn't a mutual friend 2 weeks later that didn't know that she was cheating on me.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

You have got to let it go, but you will never be able to if you keep in contact with her, listening to all her BS and even talking about current BFs? What do you get out of that but more pain, why do you even care? 

Go NC with her, block her number. File away the evidence you have, but don't dwell on it. She will never "pay" for what she has done, way wards never do and he11 will freeze over before they feel guilty or sorry.

Stop letting her suck the life out of you and ruin any chance you have to be happy someday, hopefully with a wonderful faithful and honest woman.

My ex-husband cheated on me for 20 years, is still with one of the POSOW. I am only grateful that now my children are all adults I don't have to speak to him anymore. I don't have to acknowledge he is even alive. I know that bothers him, but so what? He hates I am invited to my in laws house and that we have kept a close relationship. Feck him, he is nothing to me. I have a wonderful loving relationship with my husband and he is biting the dust with his AP and miserably raising a baby of his AP's s1utty daughter. They really have no life, as they can't live together cause s1utty daughter says if they do she will sign away the baby for adoption. I hear from my children they can't go out much cause baby mamma won't babysit, so they have to drag this child around with them... Ex is 66, I really can't see having his life, the karma bus really broadsided them. >

Let her go, NC and start thinking of your present and future. The time to heal is now.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

This three hour convo didn't hurt me, even though she said how much more her bf has in common with her than I did. I think this was a good sign. Even her releasing my shortcomings, yet again, had little impact. But she didn't ONCE say that she did anything wrong in the marriage...

Anyway, we didn't fight or yell or argue...I gave strong rebuttals to her points, and yes, some of the things she said I did were valid, and I admitted to them, but also stated that marriage is never perfect and you have to work on the struggles and the times the partner begins to take things for granted, etc. She admitted she didn't want to fix the marriage back then...this ended in a stalemate...

But she shut me down in regards to me mentioning to her what a sl** she was during separation. She stated, "don't ever send me a text like that, or say that again!". She is referring to a text I sent 6 months ago stating, "how can you love anyone when you can't even love yourself"...pertaining to how many men and women she slept with after me...

Of course, this behaviour of hers never entered the convo...like it never happened, or it's a part of her life she rugswept forever...

...we ended this talk cordially, which sort of irks me because I think that is what she is looking for. Making sure I'm not an enemy, because God forbid, a people pleaser like her must have no enemies!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What do you want to get from her knowing that you know? Once you have clarity on that, you can debate the pros/cons of telling her.

I would wait for the divorce to be final before saying anything to her about knowing for sure. Once the divorce is final, I personally would be NC with her. But if there were need to be in contact, I couldn't put up with being lied to yet again, so I would simply tell her "I know you f'd my buddy Joe the night I left and again over the holidays. I know you f'd Jim and Jane, too". I wouldn't tell her how I know, I'd just tell her "the truth is out there", and let her wonder how much I knew. She should be humbled and disoriented. And left wondering perpetually if she got away with anything at all.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

I guess what I want is for her to suffer a bit...to know I realize what a louse she is. She will then fear I'll tell more people, and even her new man...but I won't. I did not see her suffer much when our marriage ended, mainly because she was in the thick of her promiscuity, which I believe masked any sorrow or lamenting she should have had...she filled her time with bedding half the city, deflecting her thoughts about the demise of our marriage. 

Even though I won't really see her suffering, if she does at all, I will still have released that she now knows I know the truth

It bothers her that some of my friends won't look at her in passing...some will though, and talk to her etc. when they meet at a public place, etc. 

She wants to maintain a clean image, and believe it or not, not much about her sexploits after we split is out there. I still wonder how she didn't get caught screwing a co-worker teacher and married janitor daily at her high school that she works at...

I'm not one for revenge, but shouldn't she pay for her lies just a little?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Well then I think you should tell her that you know. Use enough specificity that she will know you're not bluffing, but enough generalities she won't know how you found out or how many other people may know. And I would make a point of telling her you don't care that she did all that stuff after you split, but she can stop lying to you about it. I know you do care that she was with your former best friend, but I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing it hurt you.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

If it's going to make you feel better, tell her. 

Next chance you get to call her out on it, do so and leave it at that. She will still deny it no doubt, but later on she will have a WTF moment as she reflects on what you have told her.


Knowing she will have that WTF moment or holy **** he knew moment will be all the satisfaction that you'll need. Because it will happen, and you'll know it WILL happen.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She married you under false pretenses. She had no intention of spending the rest of her life with you. She used you. 

Before the ink was dry on the separation agreement she went out and slept with your friend. Why you have not embedded that guy's face in drywall is what I do not understand. 

She then went out and literally wh0red herself out, pulled trains, and was proud of it. She even bragged to you about it. 

And she wants to know if everything is okay between you two? Is she fvcking serious? 

Does her current partner know about what she did?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just to refresh everyone's memory. 




> I am 44 and my wife is the same age. My separation is the result of a bizarre series of events in which I'd like to share. After being married for 9 years, my wife decided to leave, stating that she was stressed from the kids and she felt in the middle all the time ( her three kids, my step kids ). While traveling to visit her daughter, 19, who is in college and was depressed from just breaking up with her boyfriend, my wife decided to contact an old friend of mine who lives on the east coast, to discuss depression about her daughter with him...his sister suffered from this. While contacting him, the discussion turned sexual...she always had something for him which I noticed in past gatherings and such but thought it was just innocent flirting. Anyway, he decided to bash me and convince her to leave me, citing I wasn't worthy, she'd be happier without me, etc. He has known to break up couples in the past and garners a sick pleasure from doing so.
> When she returned, about a week went by where she was cold, discerning, aloof and distant...although these signs were prevalent before she left as well...constant texting, avoiding me, etc. Then, one morning after going out with friends, where she ignored me all night, she said she was leaving me. It was shortly after this that I checked her online phone bill and noticed numerous texts and calls to him, starting the day she went to visit her daughter. He persuaded her to leave me, and he brainwashed her into doing so...he's very persuasive and manipulative. I stayed in the house for two months before moving, which was hell. I caught her sexting to him one night, taking off her nightie, and I constantly asked her about their contact. I received answers from "none of your business" to "who cares" to denial...all out of sync with each other. They were still in contact.
> When I moved out, I later discovered she slept with him the night I moved out...she picked him up at the airport and they had sex in her car...he was in town to pick up his vehicle. This was planned, as she wanted me out a month earlier because of this night.
> The next eight months led to my wife engaging in wild threesome sex, sex with married men, and other women. She would tell me these episodes outright, even showing me videos of her having sex with strangers which were on her phone. It killed me. I asked her not to but she proceeded, and I was like a deer in the lights. She turned into a sex addict, all fronted from her and my ex friend sharing their sex stories and sending videos back and forth to each other. They had no intention of being together as a couple, just sex friends who got off on this stuff. He got her into this, as she was never like this before or had this type of character. Her niece told her she needed help but refused. She showed and told these stories to her friends, fooled around with guys at work, during work ( in a school )...she was out of control. She even told me she didn't use protection...and was getting checked for std's all the while. We kept in contact throughout our sep., and she used me for money and favours...I couldn't believe what she turned into, all under the influence of this idiot.
> ...


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I gotta say that you are putting waaay to much thought and emotional energy into a lost cause. 

She cheated, she lied, she manipulated, etc. Now, you want her to know that you know what else she did. Your goal is for her to suffer or something.

Try this on for size: Tell her you know. Stop asking what other people think. There is absolutely nothing healthy about your need to tell her, but then again, this whole thing was not healthy, so what's one more thing? Just freaking tell her. You don't even need an introduction or reason, just call her up and drop the bomb.

Then after you do that, sit back and watch NOTHING meaningful happen. Her response is going to either bother you because it is an angry denial or it is going to be inadequate compared to what you hoped. Then you are going to have to do something more to get that reaction that you want. Still not healthy.

Don't hold it in, and I'm serious about that. Just freaking tell her and then focus on why you spend so much head space and energy on needing to tell her.

This whole thing sounds fanciful, but if on the off chance that a wife would go from loving to wild threesomes and showing you videos of it and you are struggling on letting her know that you know some stuff that she didn't tell you, I say go ahead. Do what you need to close the door on this chapter of your life.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Bandit...No, he does not have a clue about what she did to me, or the crap she got in to during our separation...he is oblivious to it...I think I would love to sit and have a beer with him and let him know what his current woman had done...in detail. In fact I would feel very good about it... 

She told me he doesn't want to live with her in the future, and that statement almost broke them up, but he convinced her to live day to day, nothing lasts forever, etc., etc.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Bigfoot...I know...and it's the last thing I have in my head about her...I don't miss her, want her, need her...I'm just not the kind of guy to release this stuff for the sake of reeling in her emotions, but on the other hand, it would clear my mind...thus the dilemma...and I posted this because I find all you guys insightful. I'm sorry this crap still plagues my mind 2 years later...it's not my fault...it isn't harrowing, but present nonetheless...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I agree with the others, wait until the divorce is final. You do not want to poke the she-bear. Poke the fur when she is removed from your life and has no means other than tears, anger and more lies to throw your way. She knows what she has done. 

She has fearful thoughts. Sorry, they do not sound like guilty thoughts.

The fact that she is gaslighting you, yes, after the fact, is proof that she is fearful the truth will get out, more CHA. 

Remember, she needs to hold her head up in your town. If others find out the truth, she will be [more] miserable. It was OK for you to be miserable, Right?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

"Do nothing which is of no use."
-Mushashi

You're tying yourself up in knots trying to justify actions which are of no use. A double waste of effort. 

Waste your time if you want to. But I'd rather you didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

After the divorce is final, let her know via email or snail mail, not in person. Do not reveal your sources. State only the facts, no name calling or emoticons. 

Do not tell her in person. She will not let you finish your spiel when the ugly facts are uttered. She will scream and shut you down. Do not lie or exaggerate what you know. The truth is sufficient. She may come apart at the seams. I say "may" because some have no real guilt response. 

Hurt Pride, oh yeah! Pride goeth before the fall.

Let family, friends and co-workers know at the same time. Choose what facts to reveal to each party.

She needs to wallow in it. You are hurt and this action is needed for closure. The hurt will never go away, but the desire for revenge will be satiated upon doing the above.

She is on her way down, to some point lower than her current altitude, in this life. Let her go.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would tell her. If for no other reason than to wipe out the smugness that she carries, thinking that she got away with it. I think you will feel better. Just don't expect her to own up to it, but just do it for yourself.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

What if her response is, "who cares...we were separated for 2 months anyway"...

to me, if it was a stranger she slept with and sexted all the while, I would not feel this way...still.

It was a 20+ year friend she met through me...from my ball team, whom I helped with at university, frequented road trips with, confided with, etc. He was a bit of a slimeball then, but never did I think this would happen...


She admitted she initiated the texting to him...I let her know through my seeing the phone bill that I knew they were texting. Her responses at the time went from "who cares" to "I don't contact him anymore", but minutes after that I checked the online usage but she changed her pwd...that was when we were still in the same house...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you can tell her. The question is why you didn't bring it up during that three hour phone session (which IMO you shouldn't have had). Sure she should absolutely feel bad but that doesn't mean she ever will -- no matter what you say -- and that's something all of us who married a cheater have to learn to accept. Just because they should pay for their actions doesn't mean they will.

ETA: Who cares what her response is. Do it for you and don't expect remorse.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I think that telling her would maybe help you, but ultimately why waste the time trying to make her into a better person?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

After reading Bandits re-post, viz, #23, I bite my sharp tongue. I am not immersed in the drama and do not live here!! SHhhhhooooT!


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Why don't you tell us, in one sentence, why this decision is taking up head space? You've not told her and amazingly, you are posting about how it is eating at you. THE ONLY OTHER OPTION is to tell.

I have to agree with the sentiment that you think that she will express: who cares? I mean at this point in life and with all that you claim that took place, is this really a thing?

Seriously, in once sentence please tell why this is an issue and then if that reason is good enough for you, then tell her. k


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

It's an issue because I believe she should not go forward in her newfound happiness thinking that everything is ok with the way she parted ways with me.

Some retribution should be left in her head. Some residual effects of her disrespect towards me. How dare she close the book on a 9 year marriage, happily skipping along while I carry the weight of her misdeeds in my head. Even if I don't see it. 

She believes she's cleaned up her messes. She NEEDS to know that everything is alright. Well, it's not. I believe this so-called event...this back-stabbing event that has gone on as a secret with her, should at least play a minimal part in her head.

The only sorry I got was in text, about a year ago..."sorry for everything"...a nice blanket apology that I'm suppose to accept to clear her slate...I didn't respond to that back then...I should have responded with, "list everything you're sorry for then...itemize them"


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like she knows you know about all kinds of events. The only thing she doesn't know you know about is your ex-friend?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

deg20 said:


> It's an issue because I believe she should not go forward in her newfound happiness thinking that everything is ok with the way she parted ways with me.
> 
> Some retribution should be left in her head. Some residual effects of her disrespect towards me. How dare she close the book on a 9 year marriage, happily skipping along while I carry the weight of her misdeeds in my head. Even if I don't see it.
> 
> ...


 Do you truly believe she cares that much that if your feelings aren't passivated she can't move on with her happiness? She will spin the story to her advantage, nothing you can say will make her feel bad or have regrets. And if you think that tryst was the only reprehensible thing she has done you are probably wrong. Wash your hands of her, no more of those nostalgic three hour phone calls, let her see nothing but indifference from you. 

Personally I would be more pissed at my so called best friend who would bed my estranged spouse that quickly, or even ever.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bigfoot said:


> Why don't you tell us, in one sentence, why this decision is taking up head space? You've not told her and amazingly, you are posting about how it is eating at you. THE ONLY OTHER OPTION is to tell.
> 
> I have to agree with the sentiment that you think that she will express: who cares? I mean at this point in life and with all that you claim that took place, is this really a thing?
> 
> Seriously, in once sentence please tell why this is an issue and then if that reason is good enough for you, then tell her. k


It's because he wants validation from her in the form of remorse or shame.

And he isn't going to get it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

deg20 said:


> It's an issue because I believe she should not go forward in her newfound happiness thinking that everything is ok with the way she parted ways with me.
> 
> Some retribution should be left in her head. Some residual effects of her disrespect towards me. How dare she close the book on a 9 year marriage, happily skipping along while I carry the weight of her misdeeds in my head. Even if I don't see it.
> 
> ...


If you need revenge, wait for the divorce to be over, and then tell every mutual friend what really happened -- the strangers, threesomes, all of it.

But honestly dude, you're better off just surrounding yourself with quality people and trying to put the whole sordid affair behind you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sounds like you are having a problem in letting her go. Who cares what she thinks at this point and why are you still concerned about how she feels or what she thinks? I never even asked who my exes cheated with. I just moved on with my life and found me another woman to love. I never let others affect how I feel. I am secure in who I am and what others think about me, means nothing. You may benefit from a Psychologist. 40 years after my exe cheated on me, she called me up to apologize. I was very surprised that she carried the guilt around with her for so long that she had to apologize for what she did. I had forgotten about her a month after I left her. I did let her know how great my wife is and that I have been very successful in business and make good money so she has nothing to apologize for because she was responsible for my great life. Her life was not good, not good at all. Her mother always felt that I was not good enough for her daughter and it turns out that her daughter never became a doctor of lawyer. She became a translator who saw angels that asked her to change her name, which she did legally. She lived in a commune where she was passed around from man to man to woman. She married a guy and then left him immediately when he finished paying for her son's college education, to live marry a woman she was cheating on him with for most of their marriage. I asked her if her mom was still alive but she wasn't. I have always wanted to tell her mother how successful I am and that her daughter is screwed up in the head and was wrong about both me and her daughter.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

deg20 said:


> It's an issue because I believe she should not go forward in her newfound happiness thinking that everything is ok with the way she parted ways with me.
> 
> Some retribution should be left in her head. Some residual effects of her disrespect towards me. How dare she close the book on a 9 year marriage, happily skipping along while I carry the weight of her misdeeds in my head. Even if I don't see it.



Just came back through this thread. She showed you video's of her screwing other people, and just that she banged an old friend bothers you????

I take back what I said earlier based on further reading. You will never get what you want from her, whether you tell her or not. 

The fact that this is still eating you from the inside out after 2 years tells me you would be well suited to find a qualified counselor and sit down to talk. You need to find a way to make peace with what happened and move on in your life. 

I would also highly recommend that you never talk with her again. Don't give her the satisfaction of allowing her to waste your time while degrading you on your performance in your marriage. Change your number & email and be done with that aspect of your life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> Sounds like you are having a problem in letting her go. Who cares what she thinks at this point and why are you still concerned about how she feels or what she thinks? I never even asked who my exes cheated with. I just moved on with my life and found me another woman to love. I never let others affect how I feel. I am secure in who I am and what others think about me, means nothing. You may benefit from a Psychologist. 40 years after my exe cheated on me, she called me up to apologize. I was very surprised that she carried the guilt around with her for so long that she had to apologize for what she did. I had forgotten about her a month after I left her. I did let her know how great my wife is and that I have been very successful in business and make good money so she has nothing to apologize for because she was responsible for my great life. Her life was not good, not good at all. Her mother always felt that I was not good enough for her daughter and it turns out that her daughter never became a doctor of lawyer. She became a translator who saw angels that asked her to change her name, which she did legally. She lived in a commune where she was passed around from man to man to woman. She married a guy and then left him immediately when he finished paying for her son's college education, to live marry a woman she was cheating on him with for most of their marriage. I asked her if her mom was still alive but she wasn't. I have always wanted to tell her mother how successful I am and that her daughter is screwed up in the head and was wrong about both me and her daughter.


According to you you've fvcked so many women, before and after marriage, I'm surprised you even remember who your ex wife was and what she looked like.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm with deg...

I would want my pound of flesh. 

I would want the world to know what a fire breathing slvtbag she really is, if anything else to at least fry her reputation to the point where other men in her perimeter would think twice before hooking up with her. But then again, it would probably be just the kind of PR a sex addict like her would appreciate.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I don't agree. He is the poster boy for Nice Guys.
> 
> He needs to expose to at least a few people what she and his friend did. She may not have cheated on him, but she every intention of going nuts the minute the brakes were off.
> 
> ...


That's fine we don't have to agree on it. He can expose far and wide as I did or not but I don't think this is going to make her feel bad. Certinaly didn't in my X wive's case...she made no excuses or apologies for the fact she cheated. It did make me feel better in the short time to set the record straight and I am a fan of exposure so people know the truth I just don't thinks cheaters have any remorse over such things. Ultimately what I am trying to get at is focusing a lot on energy on the past won't move you forward. Until I accepted what happend and started pouring my energy into me and what I needed to do for my kids I was stuck.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Absolutely you should tell her - for your self and your peace of mind! And your response to her blanket apology should have been (and still can be) "no you're not - you are too cold blooded to be sorry!"

And then walk away and never look back - that might occupy some real estate in some dark corner of her mind (and that would be good enough pay back).


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

deg20 said:


> This three hour convo didn't hurt me, even though she said how much more her bf has in common with her than I did. I think this was a good sign. Even her releasing my shortcomings, yet again, had little impact. But she didn't ONCE say that she did anything wrong in the marriage...
> 
> Anyway, we didn't fight or yell or argue...I gave strong rebuttals to her points, and yes, some of the things she said I did were valid, and I admitted to them, but also stated that marriage is never perfect and you have to work on the struggles and the times the partner begins to take things for granted, etc. She admitted she didn't want to fix the marriage back then...this ended in a stalemate...
> 
> ...


Bull****. It did hurt you.
It still hurts you. I know because I've been there myself. Still have to work at preventing communication of any kind with my evil ex wife.

If you think it will help you to call her out, get after it. I assure you it won't. Start dating when you feel right inside. You will likely meet a good woman like I did and wonder why you lived with a lowlife for so long.

Move on. Zero communication. Don't feed kibbles a her guilty mind. That will hurt her. You are letting her unload on you and taking it like a pus**y. Don't! The next time she calls, say "damn, it's you again?? Don't you have someone else to annoy?" Then hang the heck up.

Get yourself a woman worth devoting your time to! You won't have time for the cheating ex. Certainly not 3 hours. You gotta know she wouldn't talk three hours if it wasn't helping HER!

Good luck, I know how it feels.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Seriously? What do you have to lose?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

This is a rhetorical question, but I'd still like some input here:

Why the need to intermittently contact me every few months? Is this her way of assuaging her guilt without saying sorry outright, or is this her guilt manifesting itself, and she feels the need to "check in" sporadically to test my reaction...and if it's cordial, she passed another test...

Do you think her bf knew she talked to me for 3 hours? Will she tell him this?

For the record, I haven't initiated contact in a year...maybe I'm intrigued at her need to check in? Why can't SHE cut the cord completely? Is this need to contact me just a way to make sure the waters are calm...she has no need to contact me. This paperwork did not need my attention...the text started with, "Did you get that paperwork? Weird, eh?"...

I don't for one minute ever want her back, so please don't think that, but after 2 years, why? Maybe her people-pleasing personality needs to know that no one in her life can resent her. I know it isn't because she likes me, ...I'm not THAT naïve...

any input on this?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She loves the power she has over you and wanted to see of she still had it. A three hour conversation with you about your relationship tells her all she needed to hear--- and that you'd listen while the ***** told you about her boyfriends.

Take away that ego boost she stole from you. Never speak to her again after you tell her what a filthy **** she is and that you know all about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

but doesn't she get enough ego boosting without me? She has a bf for that, and probably a dozen other guys to feed her ego...my input shouldn't matter now, at al...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a slag. A sadistic, narcissistic, selfish slag who rubbed your nose in her filth and got off on it. Tell her you know about her and your "friend", that in your mind she is a cheater despite the fact that the two of you were "separated", and that she always will be, and to never call you again. 

Her poor boyfriend doesn't stand a chance.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Bandit...I'm beginning to think I'm mentally challenged...

She is so happy with her bf...so many things in common...but he's 300 pounds and smokes a pack a day, yet "it's the person she loves"...her words...

Do you not think she is genuinely happy with him...they have kids the same age, she frequents his cottage by the lake, etc...

Maybe she's at that age, 45, where she needs to settle now and leave her ****tiness behind...yet she did reveal that he has no desire to ever move in with her or live with her


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Deg, for a "woman" like that, there will never be enough attention or enough men to make her happy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

deg20 said:


> This is a rhetorical question, but I'd still like some input here:
> 
> Why the need to intermittently contact me every few months?


Because you validate her ego and soothe her guilt. And perhaps she hopes she can come running back to you if random guys stop lining up outside her bedroom door.



> Do you think her bf knew she talked to me for 3 hours? Will she tell him this?


Maybe she records it and gets off on showing it to him. Like she did showing you videos of having sex with other men while married.



> For the record, I haven't initiated contact in a year...maybe I'm intrigued at her need to check in? Why can't SHE cut the cord completely? Is this need to contact me just a way to make sure the waters are calm...she has no need to contact me. This paperwork did not need my attention...the text started with, "Did you get that paperwork? Weird, eh?"...


For the record, modern phones have a block feature that works quite well. You accept every one of her phone calls and texts.



> I don't for one minute ever want her back, so please don't think that, but after 2 years, why? Maybe her people-pleasing personality needs to know that no one in her life can resent her. I know it isn't because she likes me, ...I'm not THAT naïve...
> 
> any input on this?


I don't believe any of this list bit.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm with Evinrude and Bandit on this one. She's a narcissistic slag who is getting off on the power she holds over you. Tell her you know all about her romps with your ex-bf in addition to her other horing around. Then hang up and block her number forever.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Oh, her other whoring around was made clear to me through her first hand stories and vids on her phone...

I have to be careful so that time doesn't make everything alright in my head...I am feeling indifferent to her now, and she has become more of a wtf or case study than a great loss...I'm not saying I forgive her...no way...but I think I should let her know.

At one point, I wanted to visit the principle of the school with the texts and pics she sent of this teacher and janitor she was banging at the school...

I still may feel a relief by emailing her new man and letting him know what she did to me and what she was like before she met him...but I won't because I'm just not that immature or want to get involved with that drama...


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

deg20,

You should however inform whatever betrayed wives and girlfriends of the men you ex was getting it on with. Also their workplaces etc. 

Tamat


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

...most were couple's in threesome's, and she never mentioned any of these other men's names, on purpose...I have pondered the thought of telling this janitor's wife though, as my ex wife relayed ( probably a lie ) that he wanted to leave his wife for her...


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don't believe in telling everyone you know. Don't care for that advice on here, because it's a petty revengeful tactic, and make the person look weak. It's not high school. If people find out, they find out, but to me, spreading it around to taint a person's reputation, isn't a good idea. I don't think it changes anything, that's for sure. You're still just as hurt as ever, and now that will be met with all the people you told...''Aw I'm sorry that happened...if you were with meeee, I'd never cheat on youuu.'' lol 

My advice, OP...I'd tell her you know. And when she goes off and starts swearing, and crying and calling you a jerk...I'd just say that you aren't interested in discussing it...but you wanted her to know that you know.

Beware for an Oscar award winning performance on her part, though when she goes off on you for 'knowing.'


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

deg20,

Couples in threesomes! Good tell their kids, parents, grandparents, facebook, linkedin, church, workplace etc. 

There has to be a cost to entering someone elses marriage.

It also set a good example for your next partner of what you will do to cheaters.

Tamat


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Truly, the only person I would entertain telling is her new bf. He is a respectable man ( I know people that know him ) with 3 teenage daughters, a hard worker, and very good job...

I would love to tell him about her true character...but it would look like sour grapes, like I want them to break up, and that I'm just s s**t disturber...

but sometimes I think he should know, just so a good man can be saved of a future with her...but I guess he fill find out if she is still "that woman"...

As I said before, he has already mentioned that he has no desire to live with her in the future. She said this almost broke them up. Maybe he sees flags already...


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I dunno OP, your post went from telling HER to telling everyone. I think you should stay out of her relationship. It's not your business and you really don't need to save this guy from her. Tell everyone if you must, but you run the risk of looking like a jilted ex husband who can't move on and who people feel sorry for. I can't imagine you want that. 

I think you should just tell her for your own closure, then cut her out of your life once and for all. 

Remember, living well is the best revenge.


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