# Husband put me unconcious during sex. Advice?



## AbbeyMarie (Apr 13, 2013)

My Husband and I have been together almost 2yrs and from the start I was aware that he can be very jealous. Last weekend we attended a friends wedding, I went to order drinks and he noticed I was laughing with the bartender, I am a very social person and can chat with anyone, My husband came over to me and accused me of flirting in front of him, When I told him otherwise he got pissed off put his head level with mine and told me to behave myself and I was disrespecting him. I got so angry with him for even assuming I'd do that and we ended up arguing. 
When we got home the argument became intense, I told him I hated him(which I didn't mean) and I locked myself in our bedroom to cool down but I pissed him off saying I hated him and tried to talked to him, when I refused he kicked the bedroom door in. We have since cleared the air.. or so I thought!, Last night we had sex and He started choking me during sex, When he normally does this its very gentle but last night I was just about to pass out, I felt myself going, he shook and slapped me to regain consciousness. I don't know what to take from this and I feel a little on edge with him. If you guys have any advice I'd greatly appreciate it?!


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Leave now and don't look back, in my opinion. He is physically abusive, and it's just a matter of time before he goes off the deep end to the point of no return. Choking somebody is dangerous no matter what the situation.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

SH**!!!!! 

First, BDSM and choking play should not be done lightly or in an emotionally high SITUATION. He was ABSOLUTELY letting out anger when he was banging you roughly. Choking and that kind of sex play should be done with someone YOU trust and who TRUSTS you as well. 

Honestly.... I think his actions are unacceptable. AND COMPLETELY DIVORCE-ABLE. 

I know that is probably not the advice you want but that is likely going to be the advice you get. He SHOULD NEVER PUT HIS HANDS LIKE THAT ON YOU AGAIN....even if you want him too. It puts him at risk and your life as well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get the hell out. NOW.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Young lady, I see you joined TAM in 2013. Hopefully you have been reading here often.

You know the answer you will get from 99+% of us replying. 

So, maybe we can ask YOU a question. Are you willing to leave him over this? Be honest. If you say no, and that is your choice, then our advice will go in a different direction.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uh. Yeah, choking to unconsciousness is kinda a deal breaker for me.
You do know that people die from that choking during sex thing relatively often, right?

Btw, I was once choked to near unconsciousness during a fist fight once. I didn't like it at all! Where's the attraction to that stuff? Either way, you nearly lost your life. You know this, right????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

^^^ Him: he nearly KILLED YOU, HOMICIDE-PRISON-DEATHPENALTY
You, DEAD, SHOCK-GRIEVING FAMILY- THE END

I think this NEEDS TO BE THE END FOR YOU. 
Go to the police and file a TRO, temporary restraining order and get safe. You don't need to press charges, or anything if you don't want to, but you do need to guarantee your safety while you move out. Refrain from any private confrontation. Have people around.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Not my idea of a good time.
I'd get out now..look at how it escalated in this situation. He told you right in your face to behave yourself. He broke down the bedroom door and then he choked you to the point where you lost consciousness.
It is only a matter of time before he seriously injures you.
Scary @&$? Going on there.
So my advice is get out.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What has the S.O.B. had to say for himself?

Are there marks on your neck? Any chance of getting you to file a police report? 

You do not want to be in the same house with him. He isn't safe. If he trys to tell you it was an accident, then you know he definitely isn't safe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Advice? Yes. Get out before he does kill you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Get the hell out. NOW.


:iagree:

Concise and accurate.

Leave now or you may leave in a pine box.


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## johnbobo (May 18, 2016)

Your husband sounds like a psychopath. If your spouse chokes you, the probability of that person assaulting you later is very high. this time it was part of bondage, but next time he may choke you for assaulting you. Remember , you are an individual. Marriage doesn't mean you have to transform into something you are not. You shouldn't be staying with him because he is paranoid. His presence is choking you mentally and physically. Now you have to choose. Do you wish to live 30-40 years serving one man who doesn't value you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AbbeyMarie,


I'm checking in on you. Are you ok? Please let us know what's going on with you now? Your post is pretty scary.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@AbbeyMarie, how are you doing? 

Your H's behavior is abusive. You need to let him know this. I would leave him for this.

If you decide to stay, you guys need MC. His actions is not acceptable. 

Using BDSM in anger and hurting your wife is abusive. There is no excuse for this type of behavior.

My cousin's H did this to her when he was mad. During the divorce he tried to kill her by leaving an unlit pilot light in the basement. If she would have put the lights on she would have been blown to kingdom come. 

Get out while you can. Good luck and let us know how you are.


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## AbbeyMarie (Apr 13, 2013)

Yes I am okay. Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply to him I appreciate it very much. 

Being completely honest I never imagined so many of you would suggest leaving because he is dangerous, naive I know but I love him very much but it's kind of opening my eyes


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Darling, anytime a man puts his hands on you like that is not about love. 
He was taking out his angry at you by choking you. That is abuse. 

I am speaking to you like I would my own daughter. I bet this is not the first time he has done something similar, doing something to the extreme when he is mad. 

His action of choking you, until you pass out or nearly says he has no control. If he has no control over his anger, then, things will not get better. By going thru with this action, he has given himself permission to be this way with you in the future. This will continue. He will do it again.

You need to re-evaluate your marriage. Is this the first time he has shown anger at you speaking to other men? Do you hang out with friends and family members without him? How often do you fight?

Sometimes, love does not conquer all. Being in love with someone does not mean they are right for you or that you belong together. 

You being alive and living is the most important thing. If you were my daughter, I would have you packed and out of there in a heartbeat.

Take care of yourself.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

AbbeyMarie, do you have a live female friend or counselor you can talk to? You obviously know that choking you to unconsciousness is not a normal thing, and that is why you came here.

Don't just brush it off. He is out of control and violent, focusing it on you. You might not feel you are in danger when things are going well, but you are in danger because you don't know when he will blow up next, and what he will do.

You might not be able to be resuscitated next time. He is not going to change. This was not just an anomaly for him, you need to get away from him, and stay away.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AbbeyMarie said:


> Last night we had sex and He started choking me during sex, When he normally does this its very gentle but last night I was just about to pass out, I felt myself going, he shook and slapped me to regain consciousness.


RUN... Before you end up in a casket.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
You say he sometimes gently chokes you during sex. Is this (when done gently) something you enjoy? If not, have you told him you don't like it. 

Not having been there its difficult for me to get a picture of what happened. Did he just get carried away during sex and choke too hard? Do you normally play BDSM games but don't have a non-verbal safe word?

The impression I get is that he choked you because he was angry, and he wouldn't stop. That is assault, reckless endangerment etc. If so, at least leave immediately, maybe report him to the police. He is dangerous. Never ever be alone with him again.

OTOH if it was some sort of BDSM / dominance game gone wrong, he needs to REALLY understand safe consensual play and should never engage in any activity of that sort until he does. Even then, choking is REALLY dangerous and IMHO should never be part of sex play.


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## AbbeyMarie (Apr 13, 2013)

To answer that question I do think he was still a little annoyed with me but I think he just got carried away :/

We have had arguments in the past but never to this extent and it hurts me so much to even have him assume I'd be any way interested in someone else, I love this man so much it drives me crazy, I can't stand the idea of him being off with me but he has made me on edge with him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AbbeyMarie said:


> To answer that question I do think he was still a little annoyed with me but I think he just got carried away :/
> 
> We have had arguments in the past but never to this extent and it hurts me so much to even have him assume I'd be any way interested in someone else, I love this man so much it drives me crazy, I can't stand the idea of him being off with me but he has made me on edge with him.


Hon, please reread the responses. You are being abused. You should not be worried about how he feels about you at all.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AbbeyMarie said:


> I love this man so much it drives me crazy, I can't stand the idea of him being off with me


Welcome to TAM....

Where a nice guy who puts his wife on pedestal, gets cheated on and turned into a doormat.

While the nut case who chokes out his wife and nearly kills her, has her head over heels.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

A man who loves you, would not choke you to unconsciousness. 

If you are into BDSM, said man would know better than to play with you this way. He would know the difference.

He was not just a little bit upset. He was angry and he channel his angry into hurting you. Take off your rose colored glasses.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AbbeyMarie said:


> I think he just got carried away :/



Stop being a naïve fool. He was still pissed at you and decided to teach you a lesson. Simple as that. 

You got lucky he panicked and stopped. He only has to not stop one time. Remember that.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is all the difference in the world between getting carried away during sex and intentionally hurting / choking you. I think its vitally important you really understand which it was. I can't tell for sure from your description.

What was his reaction after it happened? Did he apologize profusely for hurting you? (that isn't proof btw - many abusers apologize after each abuse).

Has he hurt you other ways - hit you, pulled your hair, grabbed you etc? 

Does he do things that you dislike after you have asked him to stop?


If you think it is possible that he really did just get carried away - a few rules:

Never engage in any sort of dominance play without a safe word and safe action (some no verbal thing you can use if you can't speak). If he ever, even once violates that safe word, he has turned play into rape. That is unforgivable. 

Never do breath play until he learns a LOT more about how to do it safely. Personally I don't think there IS a safe way but others may disagree.



More likely though I think he is an abuser. Look for the classic signs:

He hurts you then apologizes - then hurts you again because its *your fault*, then apologizes and says he loves you - repeat.

He tries to cut you off from contact with other people.

He is very jealous because "he loves you so much". 

He says he can't live without you, will kill himself, needs, you, basically makes it your responsibility to stay with him to not hurt him.

The abuse slowly escalates. He chokes you a little as a game, then more then chokes you out. He gets angry and slaps you, next time its a punch, then a visit to the hospital.



I don't know what situation you are facing, but my gut says that he is an abuser.








AbbeyMarie said:


> To answer that question I do think he was still a little annoyed with me but I think he just got carried away :/
> 
> We have had arguments in the past but never to this extent and it hurts me so much to even have him assume I'd be any way interested in someone else, I love this man so much it drives me crazy, I can't stand the idea of him being off with me but he has made me on edge with him.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

consider this next time he chokes you he may not stop....especially if he is angry at you. personally i think your in denial, but its your life....please do not have kids with him.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I agree. Get out now. See a lawyer NOW.

It isn't just the choking, it is the way he controls you. You can't even talk to folks at a party without him watching you and becoming upset if he doesn't like the way you behave.

I suspect that you love him very much, but you have to know that you are not in a normal relationship, but instead in a dangerous one. See a lawyer NOW.


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## AbbeyMarie (Apr 13, 2013)

Ok so I finally had the courage to confront him last night when he got home, I asked him if he intentionally tried to hurt me the other night and he said no he just got carried away and it scared the s**t out of him! When I kept pushing at why he thought I was flirting with someone he got a little ticked off and kept telling me to drop it, I told him I'd been discussing it with my friend he freaked and told me to never discuss our private life with others again. This started a bit of a disagreement and then he tried to distract me by trying to lead us to have sex, when I refused he grabbed my chin to kiss me but I pushed him away and told him I was trying to discuss what happened, He just didn't want to talk about it and he pushed me against the wall gripping my arm, I told him that if he ever puts his hands on me again I'd leave him he then punched the wall beside me and left, He has called me all morning from work so far and apologized begging me to stop threating him with separation. 

I'm beginning to feel drained from him, normally he leads things to sex and I forget about it but this is bothering me and he cant accept that I wont give in as normal! I know my problem is that I love him too much that I usually look past all his a**hole ways and he knows and takes advantage of how much I love him but I'm sick of feeling like what he says goes.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad to hear you are seeing what is happening and spoke to him. He is probably being truthful that he didn't mean to but that also means it can happen again just as easily.

What I see here is a combination of issues with control and anger. You felt the need to lock yourself in a room. Why? It sounds like you were afraid. You should NEVER be afraid of your partner.

His reaction when you didn't comply was to shove you, grab your arm (did he leave bruises?) and punch the wall. In a short time that punch will be your face. Please don't think we are being dramatic. There are a number of us who have experienced the escalation of abuse ourselves. The fact he doesn't want you talking to a friend means he wants to keep control of what others know and an attempt to isolate you from close relationships with others. 

Is he older than you? By how much?
Did you rush into marriage? How long did you date before marriage?
Does he discourage friendships, time with friends, time with your family?
Does he handle all of the money and limit access?

I think if we learned more, there would be even more signs toward potential serious abuse. Listen to your voice, your gut - the one that says it's not normal. I ignored mine. I don't anymore.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

And once that punch is to your face he'll cry and beg. Then it will continue. He'll always be sorry right up until he kills you. 

All abusers are nice when they're not abusing.

If you want to put up with this that's your decision, but please do not be selfish enough to bring kids into this. 

I hope I'm wrong but I'm afraid you're going to have to get punched before you wake up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to get out. Really, you do. Once you've done that, figure out why you think you love someone who hurts you like that.

This is only going to get worse


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OK, that clears things up. He is an abuser and you leave before he seriously injures you.

This is absolutely classic apology / more violence / apology.

He will try to cut you off from all outside contact. If he sees this site he will hurt you - then of course apologize.... "he just loves you so much that he can't stand the though of losing you". 

I was unsure from your first post, but now I agree with everyone else here, you are with a dangerous abuser. He now knows that you are thinking of leaving and are talking to others. Get somewhere safe. 




AbbeyMarie said:


> Ok so I finally had the courage to confront him last night when he got home, I asked him if he intentionally tried to hurt me the other night and he said no he just got carried away and it scared the s**t out of him! When I kept pushing at why he thought I was flirting with someone he got a little ticked off and kept telling me to drop it, I told him I'd been discussing it with my friend he freaked and told me to never discuss our private life with others again. This started a bit of a disagreement and then he tried to distract me by trying to lead us to have sex, when I refused he grabbed my chin to kiss me but I pushed him away and told him I was trying to discuss what happened, He just didn't want to talk about it and he pushed me against the wall gripping my arm, I told him that if he ever puts his hands on me again I'd leave him he then punched the wall beside me and left, He has called me all morning from work so far and apologized begging me to stop threating him with separation.
> 
> I'm beginning to feel drained from him, normally he leads things to sex and I forget about it but this is bothering me and he cant accept that I wont give in as normal! I know my problem is that I love him too much that I usually look past all his a**hole ways and he knows and takes advantage of how much I love him but I'm sick of feeling like what he says goes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You joined TAM 3 years ago and your first post was a few days ago? 

How on earth did you even remember your sign on password? 

Why did you join TAM 3 years ago, one year before you and your husband got together?

Why would you post what appears to be a picture of yourself as your avatar while your husband got so angry about sharing confidences about your private lives with others? Posting your photo as your avatar kind of kills the anonymity of this anonymous forum, don't you think?

If it is not a picture of yourself in your avatar, what made you chose that picture?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. That's beyond some messed up behaviour. 

It's hard to see when your enmeshed in the emotions of your relationship. And the hamster wheel in your head will spin and spin, coming up with any excuse to justify his behaviour. 

I definitely see abusive relationship. You most likely will not in your previous emotional state. But I hope you understand this isn't a normal act in a healthy relationship. 

If your not thinking of leaving, then find some council with a professional to help you. It's true that it's only a matter of time before the abuse escalates, unfortunately. 

Baring that, go join a Brazilian Jiu Jistu club so the next time it happens you can put him on an Americano and put him out first. 

That last was a bit of sarcasm in the sense that this situation is serious. Please take it as such. 

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

get OUT! What the hell were you thinking about confronting in private! We warned you! come on....I know you love him but he is NOT SAFE!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you aren't going to leave him, I recommend a 10" wrought iron skillet...one of the deep ones you use for frying chicken 

The next time he pulls that sh!t, a well-placed blow to the side of his cranium with the flat back of that skillet should ring his bell enough to make him have second thoughts about doing that again...

When he regains consciousness of course...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How can you love a man so much when you are afraid to confront him? How can you love him so much when he uses sex to get you to shut up and rugsweep? How can you love him so much when he damn near kills you? Get into therapy because your definition of love is warped.

He's looking for a free pass. Don't give it to him. Establish boundaries with him and enforce them. Because, I really don't think you will leave him under your own steam.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AbbeyMarie said:


> Ok so I finally had the courage to confront him last night when he got home, I asked him if he intentionally tried to hurt me the other night and he said no he just got carried away and it scared the s**t out of him! When I kept pushing at why he thought I was flirting with someone he got a little ticked off and kept telling me to drop it, I told him I'd been discussing it with my friend he freaked and told me to never discuss our private life with others again. This started a bit of a disagreement and then he tried to distract me by trying to lead us to have sex, when I refused he grabbed my chin to kiss me but I pushed him away and told him I was trying to discuss what happened, He just didn't want to talk about it and he pushed me against the wall gripping my arm, I told him that if he ever puts his hands on me again I'd leave him he then punched the wall beside me and left, He has called me all morning from work so far and apologized begging me to stop threating him with separation.
> 
> I'm beginning to feel drained from him, normally he leads things to sex and I forget about it but this is bothering me and he cant accept that I wont give in as normal! I know my problem is that I love him too much that I usually look past all his a**hole ways and he knows and takes advantage of how much I love him but I'm sick of feeling like what he says goes.


He hit the wall. That too is consider physical, violent abuse. Why? Because it's a threat to YOU. The message is that this time it's the wall, next time he might decide to punch you like that.

Abuse is about control. If he can put fear in you, which he has, he controls you. Now you will be much more careful. You will walk on egg shells to make sure that he does not hurt you. You will spend a lot of your mental and emotional effort on thinking of ways to keep him from blowing up. See, he's controlling you mentally, emotionally and physically. 

One thing about this type of abuse is that it escalates over time. This is just the start of it. If you stay, it will get worse.

Sure he's pleading with you right now. why? Because right now he is not in control. It has nothing to do with him loving you. It has to do with you filling his need to control something, anything, you will do.

Now, most people do not want their spouse running around talking to others about their spats. And usually it's wrong to talk to others about intimate things between you and your husband. But abuse, especially physical abuse is an exception. Your husband has crossed the line and does not deserve privacy anymore do to what he is doing to you. You have every right in the world to talk to any one you want to get input and help. 

It's probably best at this point that you do not tell your husband again that you have been talking to people. Why? Because he will do what he has already done... told you to not talk to anyone. Most abusers seek to isolate their victim. Why? Because people who have no support system are easier to abuse/control.

Please call an organization near you that provides help for victims of abuse. Please talk to one or two people in your real life... friends or family members. Tell them what’s been going on and ask for their help to get away from him. 

Has he put any marks/bruises on you? You need to call the police and get a restraining order against this guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do an internet search on "The Cycle of Abuse". I think you will understand your relationship better once you read about this.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> And once that punch is to your face he'll cry and beg. Then it will continue. He'll always be sorry right up until he kills you.
> 
> All abusers are nice when they're not abusing.
> 
> ...


 @turnera this young lady needs your help

55


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

just got it 55 said:


> @turnera this young lady needs your help
> 
> 55


Calling @turnera !!!


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