# I need advise.



## Allison (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm 34 years old. I meet my husband when I was 20 years old, after a few months of dating, we moved in together. I have never lived on my own, I moved straight from my mothers house to his house. We lived together for 7 yrs and then married. We have been together now for 14 yrs. The first several years we were together there was domestic violence which I did put up with, I supposed because I was young, immature, my father did the same thing to my mother before they divorced when I was seven, and last but not least, I loved him. While he is not physically abusive anymore and has not been for the last couple of years. He does however make physical threats toward me and is verbally abusive when he gets upset. In August of 2010, after a very bad altercation that was unprovoked, I told him I was leaving him. He begged me to stay and promised to start appreciating me. I stayed only because I could not afford to move. I can honestly say that from that week I felt "mentally/detached" separated. I was told by him during the alteration that that how he felt about me "was so bad that he could not bring himself to tell me". I was a horribly person and continued with making insults about all my family, individually, mother, father, sister, etc. I know that I am truly a good person, I always try to help people, I am nice and polite to EVERYONE, even strangers. I also think I am attractive, the one fault I do have is drinking, but I have always drank since and before ever meeting my husband. I should also mention that I pay all the bills solely without any complaining, that's my own fault. Feeling detached from my marriage as I said, a couple of months later I took a trip with a family member. While there I was enjoying myself and in a group conversation at the hotel, started feeling an attraction to one of the men there. The next we ran into each other again and he joined our group for a couple of hours out on the town. I realized during those few hours that I was extremely attracted to this man, who was married. Nothing happened, we never kissed or anything. In fact I was not able to even say goodbye to him. We did wind up finding each other on the internet and have talked daily for the last three and 1/2 months. I knew that this was wrong and I am a god fearing person who before now would have never even considered doing something like this and would have looked down upon someone who did. However, talking to this man made me feel so good about myself, it was like an addictive drug, to have someone compliment me, motivate me and actually listen to my problems. I supposed that I validated this by the abuse I received and never receiving any good attention from my husband, even thought I knew it was wrong. Two weeks before Christmas (last month) after a bad altercation and being physically threatened again for what I felt was no reason, I left and went to my sisters house for two days until I gave into his begging and returned home, I knew the minute I got there that I was not being true to myself and only doing it to save his feelings. This past Monday night, my husband informed me that I was no longer able to smoke in our house (we both smoke) with no explanation and spoke to me like a child. I did not respond to him because of his tone, I knew it would only start a fight, no matter what I said. the next night I was bathing when he walked in and saw me about to light a cigarette in the bathroom. When I finished bathing I walked into the living room and got screamed at because I asked what the deal was with the new smoking rule that I still had not been given an explanation for. The last thing that was said from him was for me shut the F up before I got knocked out. The second he said that, I felt that "that was it". He went to bed. I walked outside with my cell phone, called my co-worker to let them know that I would be late in the morning because I had to get some things together (packing clothes). I then called my sister to ask if I could come to her house and of course she welcomed me. I left a brief note on the counter stating why I was leaving, and left, I decided to rent a hotel room the next day after work instead of going to my sister's house, because that was the only way I could not be located by him and I just wanted to spend the night by myself as well as worried I would break down emotionally and in front of my sister and her family. Today is Saturday, I have been gone for four days now. Ironically, the minute I left I lost interest in the man that I had been communicating with. I feel torn, I have been with this man for 14 years and I do love him, I almost feel like we grew up together. And he does have some good character traits, it's just that the few bad out weigh the good. He has been calling me, crying, apologizing and begging me to go come home. This is where I am now and I feel very confused and scared about which decision to make.


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## marriedyoung (Dec 23, 2010)

Don't go home.
It sounds like you've been very unhappy for a long time, and chatting to this other man has been giving you the attention you should have been getting at home.
You said he's been physically abusive in the past and now he still threatens it. It won't be a bit jump for him to ge back to being violent.
You've done the hard bit, you've left. Ask yourself what it is that makes you want to go back?


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Physical abuse is a major deal breaker. Do not let his crying make you feel guilty. He caused this. This is his doing. HE is in the wrong. You are stronger for getting away from him. There are millions of abused people in the world that can't even build up enough courage to do what you have already done. I don't usually offer direct solutions on these forums, but this one seems extremely crystal clear. You shouldn't go back.

He has been abusive in the past and will be abusive in the future. 

Live life for yourself, not for him. Don't let him control you and take over your life. You can, and will be happy. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Allison (Jan 22, 2011)

marriedyoung said:


> Don't go home.
> It sounds like you've been very unhappy for a long time, and chatting to this other man has been giving you the attention you should have been getting at home.
> You said he's been physically abusive in the past and now he still threatens it. It won't be a bit jump for him to ge back to being violent.
> You've done the hard bit, you've left. Ask yourself what it is that makes you want to go back?


Thank you so much for your time and the advise.


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## Allison (Jan 22, 2011)

Confused-Wife said:


> Physical abuse is a major deal breaker. Do not let his crying make you feel guilty. He caused this. This is his doing. HE is in the wrong. You are stronger for getting away from him. There are millions of abused people in the world that can't even build up enough courage to do what you have already done. I don't usually offer direct solutions on these forums, but this one seems extremely crystal clear. You shouldn't go back.
> 
> He has been abusive in the past and will be abusive in the future.
> 
> Live life for yourself, not for him. Don't let him control you and take over your life. You can, and will be happy. I wish you the best of luck.


Thank you so much for your time and the advise.


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