# Need Facebook advice



## Vols74 (Dec 14, 2011)

My wife & I (of 4.5 years) were separated this same time last year for a few months. During our separation, we worked on our own issues, and we also were in counseling together & worked on our marriage. Within a few months and with God's grace and strength, we were back together & have been happy since. Prior to being separated, we had a joint Facebook account. Not long after we separated last year, I started my own Facebook account. After we got back together this past February, all the way up until last weekend - she has not said or had a problem with me having my own Facebook. Now, out of nowhere, since this is sort of the 'anniversary time of when we were separated', she has asked me to delete my Facebook and for us to have a joint one again. Her reasoning is because she wants to "do over" bad memories. See, she believes that I separated our FB accounts out of anger after we separated. I told her that wasn't true that I just wanted my own identity, my own profile, to be able to have my own friends. I told her that I would give her my password, let her regulate my postings, my friends, even delete any friends off of my FB if that was a concern. She insists that it isn't anything to do with jealousy or lack of trust. She says she simply wants us to have our joint FB account again and then if we choose to separate them out later, it will be on mutually good terms and not out of anger, like I did last time. I can not figure this one out. We have processed everything that led us up to separation in therapy (8 months ago, haven't been since). Out of nowhere she asks me to do this. I do not want to do this. I've spent all this time building up my own Facebook, finding old friends, putting my own content, etc. and I explained to her that my friends did not feel comfortable posting their nerdy comments on our joint facebook page, and that they do when i have my own page. I don't understand her request to do this and I feel like she is trying to control me. She is almost to the point of saying 'it's me or facebook'. When I told her that I didn't want to delete mine, she says "well that's your choice and I don't have to live with your choice". I don't know what to do or how to help ease her insecurities. Any suggestions?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

This is one of them situations which could be seen in many different ways. Try and talk to her and find out the real reason as to why she wants you to delete it even though your willing to give her your password. I have fb and my hubby doesnt he has my password and doesnt mind that i have one, I have all his passwords. I dont think its a control matter its probably something else talk to her and find out what it is. Good luck.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

She wrong

Youre riight

This is the ol "I love you but we disagree. If I mean so little to you that keeping in touch with my dorky friends and enjoying my own identity is a deal killer when I am doing nothing disrespectful of our boundaries, then facebook is the least of our problems. Whats really going on" speeces.

Id tell her you eager to work out whatever is bugging her but giving up completely appropriate contact with friends in total support of our marriage isnt negotiable. Asking you to do so is uncalled for.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> She wrong
> 
> Youre riight
> 
> ...


I think you're wrong. 

If she is insecure, maybe she is awful at telling you and her way of asking is coming off as controlling.

If you have nothing to hide, I would give her passwords, but let her know it's not her place to delete comments, etc that she doesn't like. She has to communicate with you. 

If you're willing to work on the relationship with her, you need to be able to go out of your comfort zone to let her back in your life openly and honestly. It doesn't mean she needs it forever. 

Tables turned though, she needs to be completely open and transparant as well.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Why can't you have two Facebook accounts? One joint and one for you? Compromise?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> I think you're wrong.
> 
> If she is insecure, maybe she is awful at telling you and her way of asking is coming off as controlling.
> 
> ...


NO YOURE WRONG Hahaha Just kidding :rofl:

None of that is a reason to delete his account and it is controlling regardless of the reason.

She is giving him an ultimatum which is immature, and .....drum roll please .....controlling 

But we can disagree about that. 

(Psst., Dude dont do it. Its lame female control attempt. Nothing more,. Nothing less) :rofl:


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> NO YOURE WRONG Hahaha Just kidding :rofl:
> 
> None of that is a reason to delete his account and it is controlling regardless of the reason.
> 
> ...


Sorry I did kinda sound like an ahole eh?

I don't think he should delete his account. But I do think transperency is the only thing that is going to help the relationship get to trust.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

s.k said:


> This is one of them situations which could be seen in many different ways. Try and talk to her and find out the real reason as to why she wants you to delete it even though your willing to give her your password. I have fb and my hubby doesnt he has my password and doesnt mind that i have one, I have all his passwords. I dont think its a control matter its probably something else talk to her and find out what it is. Good luck.


:iagree:

it is strange that she is saying you can have your own account after you first close this one and make a joint one. :scratchhead: I have no idea what angle she could possibly be playing there. :scratchhead:


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> Sorry I did kinda sound like an ahole eh?
> 
> I don't think he should delete his account. But I do think transperency is the only thing that is going to help the relationship get to trust.


No I get it.

I agree with you that transparancy is vital. :smthumbup:

Ive been married 12 years. Job one is to make sure my wife feels secure but I dont throw out the baby with the bathwater.

You cant reward neuroticism unless you want more of it


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

It's sh!t testing in my POV (point of view) and I'm a female (BS to boot).


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Why can't you have two Facebook accounts? One joint and one for you? Compromise?


They look ridiculous for one.

The reason they exist is transparent to everyone that knows the "happy" couple.

The reason is never flattering.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YupItsMe said:


> They look ridiculous for one.
> 
> The reason they exist is transparent to everyone that knows the "happy" couple.
> 
> The reason is never flattering.


Oh... Didn't think of it like that. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

You do know if you deactivate your FB account it doesnt go away. All you need to do is then log in again, it's then active as if nothing happend.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Man...my husband has two facebook accounts and I'm friended, but not joint. I wish I could read and regulate his facebook daily but really, that's not right. That does seem a bit controlling and excessive to me. I mean...are you that horrible of a husband that you'll cheat on her and put it on facebook, are you that untrustworthy? She has to regulate your every move on there? Approve of your friends? You need to be watched like a little kid? Wow...sorry, but...f'k that.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

so... so the only thing she gets out of this is depriving you of your sense of identity? you already offered her your password and pretty much complete control of your facebook account everything from what to post to which friends you have... 

you gotta ask yourself, what exactly does she want?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> They look ridiculous for one.
> 
> The reason they exist is transparent to everyone that knows the "happy" couple.
> 
> The reason is never flattering.


:iagree:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I'm sorry, but every time I see a joint facebook account I giggle a little inside. I don't understand the purpose AND if I want to bring my H into a facebook conversation (which rarely happens b/c if I want to talk to him I just call) I can tag him in the post...and it make the relationship look completely juvenile, but that's just my opinion.
> 
> You are not in high school anymore and she doesn't need to be in every part of your existence, in every way. That's just ridiculous and her threatening an ultimatum makes this all even more ridiculous.


It must be dependent on the type of marriages your friend's have, because when I see the joint FB profiles of my married friends my heart warms a little. I DO understand the purpose.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

She thinks you are Burger King. She wants it her way.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Angel, yeah either way (joint fb or not) this is pretty juvenile to make this a serious marital issue.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Give up FB and take to phoning your friends and seeing them IRL. Let her do the FB thing herself. FB isn't even the issue. It's something else. If you just avoid FB altogether it will be easier to find out what is the real issue. Virtual reality isn't reality. But some people think it is, and so anything that happens there, gets all distorted. Get out of the house of mirrors. Then she can see you more clearly.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> *Give up FB and take to phoning your friends and seeing them IRL. * Let her do the FB thing herself. FB isn't even the issue. It's something else. If you just avoid FB altogether it will be easier to find out what is the real issue. Virtual reality isn't reality. But some people think it is, and so anything that happens there, gets all distorted. Get out of the house of mirrors. Then she can see you more clearly.


Dream on. People are so busy these days. I rarely speak to people on the phone. It's e-mail or text to face to face.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> She wrong
> 
> Youre riight
> 
> ...


She's right

You are Wrong

You can still have your dorky friends on a joint account. Get over it.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

KanDo said:


> She's right
> 
> You are Wrong
> 
> You can still have your dorky friends on a joint account. Get over it.


No actually you cant and then OP said so practically verbatum.

They didnt feel comfortable posting on the joint account. 

That pretty much makes your point totally invalid. 

This level of insecurity is controlling and out of bounds.

Healthy boundaries go in both directions. 

Why not just lock him in the basement and cut off his telephone internet priveleges.

Ill bet that loon would still feel insecure. 

Advocating for unreasonable boundaries is looking glass into your own issues. 

Take a look


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I see no problem with doing what she asks. Facebook is evil...real evil. It starts off with good intentions can evolves into a relationship killer.


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## RP49D22 (Dec 7, 2011)

Vols74 said:


> My wife & I (of 4.5 years) were separated this same time last year for a few months. During our separation, we worked on our own issues, and we also were in counseling together & worked on our marriage. Within a few months and with God's grace and strength, we were back together & have been happy since. Prior to being separated, we had a joint Facebook account. Not long after we separated last year, I started my own Facebook account. After we got back together this past February, all the way up until last weekend - she has not said or had a problem with me having my own Facebook. Now, out of nowhere, since this is sort of the 'anniversary time of when we were separated', she has asked me to delete my Facebook and for us to have a joint one again. Her reasoning is because she wants to "do over" bad memories. See, she believes that I separated our FB accounts out of anger after we separated. I told her that wasn't true that I just wanted my own identity, my own profile, to be able to have my own friends. I told her that I would give her my password, let her regulate my postings, my friends, even delete any friends off of my FB if that was a concern. She insists that it isn't anything to do with jealousy or lack of trust. She says she simply wants us to have our joint FB account again and then if we choose to separate them out later, it will be on mutually good terms and not out of anger, like I did last time. I can not figure this one out. We have processed everything that led us up to separation in therapy (8 months ago, haven't been since). Out of nowhere she asks me to do this. I do not want to do this. I've spent all this time building up my own Facebook, finding old friends, putting my own content, etc. and I explained to her that my friends did not feel comfortable posting their nerdy comments on our joint facebook page, and that they do when i have my own page. I don't understand her request to do this and I feel like she is trying to control me. She is almost to the point of saying 'it's me or facebook'. When I told her that I didn't want to delete mine, she says "well that's your choice and I don't have to live with your choice". I don't know what to do or how to help ease her insecurities. Any suggestions?


What's more important, your own Facebook account or your relationship with your wife? Only you can decide, but if things we're going great and that was the only issue in my life.....FB would be gone......besides, how many times to you need to know when a friend go to the grocery store, to the rest room, etc.

Sorry, I am no fan of FB.....


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> No actually you cant and then OP said so practically verbatum.
> 
> They didnt feel comfortable posting on the joint account.
> 
> ...



We will have to agree to disagree.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She wants people to see this wonderfully happy couple again.

Let her make a joint one, keep yours with the transparency you offered her.


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