# Wife had and affair with co-worker



## Suman Shrestha (Jun 19, 2018)

I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
We have been married for a year and the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married.
My wife told about this herself as she was suffering from the guilt and didn't want to hide it anymore.
She promises it has stopped, she broke things off before we got married. She has been honest about everything, what they did, how they did etc. She has given me access to all here phones, emails, social media etc. She says she whats a chance to prove her love for me.

She has been a good wife, takes care of me n my family. She has been quite supportive and answers all my questions and handles my emotional breakdowns. Which makes me think she is truly remorseful, That is why I don't want to end things with her.

I still love her and i still want to be with her. But its just too hard for me to trust her even though I think she loves me and wont repeat it again. Disgusting thoughts of her having sex with the guy keeps coming back to be from time to time, which i don't want.

What should I do? I read in a lot of forums that I should not be fine with this thing easily as it might be me just suppressing my feelings which will be bad in future.

How do i approach this? Should i still be with her or should i let her go?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Depends I suppose. Was this a one night stand? a brief fling? or was it months of sweaty crazy monkey sex while she was engaged to you? Like I say it all depends.


Maybe you should post this over in the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are married one year and she was cheating while she was engaged to you but it took her all this time to confess. 
Try and find out the real reason for her confession,was someone threatening to expose her?
You have a long life ahead of you,do you want to spend it with someone who would cheat on her fiancé.


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## Suman Shrestha (Jun 19, 2018)

As she says it lasted for a month then she broke things off.



syhoybenden said:


> Depends I suppose. Was this a one night stand? a brief fling? or was it months of sweaty crazy monkey sex while she was engaged to you? Like I say it all depends.
> 
> 
> Maybe you should post this over in the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Were you engaged when she cheated?

Does she still work at same place & more importantly, does the other man?

I consider being engaged the same as being married. 

In addition to figuring out why, if she still works with the OM, she needs to find a different job NOW!

There should be absolutely no contact between them.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

One more thing, IF she was honest with what they did, positions, etc, does she do those things with you?

At that point, and still, in your relationship, she should have been so enamored with you, no one else should have caught her eye.
@Andy1001 had a good question, Why now? Did someone else know and told her she better deal with it or they would tell? Blackmail from the OM? 

Read No Mr. Nice Guy for yourself, hit the gym hard, and DO NOT sweep this under the rug. It will keep slithering back out to bite your azz.

Take as much time as you need to work thru issues. It's not like your spouse went and spent too much, they screwed someone else while committed to you.


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## Suman Shrestha (Jun 19, 2018)

She says they had sex once that too just a few in outs then she had a leg cramp and they stopped. But apparently she gave him blowjob twice in different occasions and kissed a few times. I think the guy must have said something and she panicked and let me know.





FrazzledSadHusband said:


> One more thing, IF she was honest with what they did, positions, etc, does she do those things with you?
> 
> At that point, and still, in your relationship, she should have been so enamored with you, no one else should have caught her eye.
> 
> ...


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Take this over to the Coping With Infidelity section of this site. You'll get a lot more insights and inputs there than in here. This is a section for people who are well past where you are and are in recovery.


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## Suman Shrestha (Jun 19, 2018)

Had posted this on Reconcillation but they suggested me i put it up here.

I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
We have been married for a year and the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married.
My wife told about this herself as she was suffering from the guilt and didn't want to hide it anymore.

She says they had sex once that too just a few in outs then she had a leg cramp and they stopped. But apparently she gave him blowjob twice in different occasions and kissed a few times. I think the guy must have said something and she panicked and let me know.

She promises it has stopped, she broke things off before we got married. She has been honest about everything, what they did, how they did etc. She has given me access to all here phones, emails, social media etc. She says she whats a chance to prove her love for me.

She has been a good wife, takes care of me n my family. She has been quite supportive and answers all my questions and handles my emotional breakdowns. Which makes me think she is truly remorseful, That is why I don't want to end things with her.

I still love her and i still want to be with her. But its just too hard for me to trust her even though I think she loves me and wont repeat it again. Disgusting thoughts of her having sex with the guy keeps coming back to be from time to time, which i don't want.

What should I do? I read in a lot of forums that I should not be fine with this thing easily as it might be me just suppressing my feelings which will be bad in future.

How do i approach this? Should i still be with her or should i let her go?


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## Suman Shrestha (Jun 19, 2018)

moving this to Coping With Infidelity section


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If you don’t have kids, give very strong consideration if you want to stay with a woman who would do this to you. My guess is that the only reason she admitted to the sex is because she had a reason to believe it was going to be exposed. Speaking for myself, once a woman commits to me, and then has sex with another, the relationship is over. I could never be with her again.

Good luck to you, what ever you decide.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Was the coworker married? Also is she still working at the same company with this individual?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Suman Shrestha said:


> Had posted this on Reconcillation but they suggested me i put it up here.
> 
> I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
> We have been married for a year and *the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married*.
> My wife told about this herself as she was suffering from the guilt and didn't want to hide it anymore.


So she has an affair during the time frame where you guys should be giddy/happy?

Wow, she's a piece of work.



Suman Shrestha said:


> She says they had sex once that too just a few in outs then she had a leg cramp and they stopped. But apparently she gave him blowjob twice in different occasions and kissed a few times. I think the guy must have said something and she panicked and let me know.


Cheater minimizing. It's more than once

No kids? cut bait and RUN FOREST, RUN


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Few things 

Go to Dr and get checked for STDs and HIV

Then, tell her you are scheduling an appointment to have a polygraph. (And make sure you do it.). Then tell her that you are going to leave her alone for one hour, and after that hour, you will discuss the affair again, at which time she can change or “revise” any thing that she previously told you, but no further revisions will be allowed. Anything lies or omissions after that, including at polygraph test will result in you filing for divorce.

I’m so sorry for you.

Hang in there. You will get through this


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Sorry, but there is A LOT MORE to this!!


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Are they still working together? If so, your wife needs to leave immediately


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If possible you need a polygraph for her.

Simple three step questions:-

1) During our time together as fiances and husband and wife have you ever kissed any other person?
2) During our time together as fiances and husband and wife have you ever had any sexual contact with another person?
3) During our time together as fiances and husband and wife have you ever had sexual intercourse with any other person?

Good luck. I fear you will need it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The fact that she did this so early in your relationship is disturbing. What happens when you've been married for 10 years and her desire for cheap thrills is even stronger? I would never trust her again. If you don't have kids, you should strongly think about moving on. You can find a woman who will not do this to you. Whatever you do, don't get your wife pregnant. Don't let her fool you into it either.

By the way, "we had sex once", or "we couldn't finish having sex" is almost ALWAYS a lie. It was more than once, and he "finished" in either her mouth or vagina. Then she came home to kiss you.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

She is probably minimising. If this guy was in another relationship at the time you should let his partner know


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

I have written before about my ex wife having an affair with her boss and us reconciling. Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. In the ten years I never fully trusted her and every girls night out or work trip had me thinking she was cheating. It was hell. 
I would never recommend reconciling with a cheating wife much less a cheating fiancee. As @Andy1001 said why did she suddenly own up,has someone threatened to our her. 
Do yourself a favour and walk away,it will hurt but you are going to have a life of hell if you don't.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Suman Shrestha said:


> Had posted this on Reconcillation but they suggested me i put it up here.
> 
> I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
> We have been married for a year and the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married.
> ...


First thing is that your wife isn’t an honest individual. She has lied to you and deceived you. She chose to have an affair during the honeymoon phase of your relationship. When she was planning her we’d to you she was having sex with the OM by choice. 

Second thing is this. She didn’t confess because she was filled with guilt from her actions. Like you said in your post, she came to you because she believed her affair partner was going to expose her. She NEVER felt any guilt while they were having sex. The remorse she is felling now is the remorse of getting caught.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If she is still working with the ass hat, that is a serious trust issue.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If possible you need a polygraph for her.
> 
> Simple three step questions:-
> 
> ...


She has admitted to all of this Matt.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I know this is serious stuff for you and not to make light of it... But,

Are you really buying the *"Old Leg Cramp"* story? Hilarious! ,


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I wouldn't be so sure that this didn't happen after you were married also.

I think a polygraph is in order here.

One of them has to quit their job.

Speak to the OM's spouse/gf if there is one.

Sorry you are here.

Usually WW's will minimize and I am afraid this may only be the tip of the iceberg.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My thoughts are like others: PARTICULARLY early in a relationship--- especially one that someone feels strongly enough to consider marriage, there should be no cheating with a normal person. She should have been freaking crazy about you. No other man should even be able to pry himself into her radar, certainly not score a direct hit on her vitals with an AFFAIR. I really don't think a decent person could do such a thing.

What she has said about the sex is OBVIOUS minimizing, and you have NOT heard the full truth. Trickle truth for sure. The truth is that she had wild monkey sex with this guy and enjoyed the hell out of it. For all you know, you were plan B to her before you even married. This guy may have bailed and she ended up with her consolation prize (in her mind, that is). 

Your wife has been a good wife. It's not really all that hard to do. What you need to ask yourself is "Who is this person that could do such a thing?" The sexual contact went on for a WHILE, and as others, I think it only was confessed because she was afraid you'd find out by some other means. Also ask yourself why YOU think she won't do this behavior again? Why not? It's very easy for a woman to get male attention, and even easier to let male attention develop into an affair in the future. When she does, she will then tell you how she doesn't feel she was ever really in love with you, you weren't a good husband due to x,y, and z.... And she will come up with all kinds of other excuses and rewriting your marital history to assuage her guilt. 

I don't know what to tell you here. I'd say that only you know this person's true character, but for the fact that I thought I knew my ex wife's character after 18 years and for SURE I had no idea that it was as low as it is. I have three kids with her and I can tell you for sure, with kids, things change. You can get rid of this person from your life and move on FOR SURE, at this point, because you have no kids with her. If you have kids with her, you are stuck with her for the rest of your life. And it SUCKS. It really SUCKS.

You can find a new woman to love, and you can find one that is far more likely to be trustworthy. All I can say is that you have some real knowledge of your wife's true character BEFORE you choose to have kids with her. Use that information wisely.

Good luck,
I hate to say it but you're going to need it.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Sorry to hear about this. Troubling news to hear about someone you loved and trusted.

But here are some facts:
1) During your engagement she had sex with someone else. I wouldn't listen to her stories about stopping sex because of a cramp. If you read the many stories on this site you will find that the cheating spouses give lies all the time to downplay what really happened. 
2) She had sex with someone else during the "glowing love" stages of your relationship. What is going to happen 5 years from now when you get sick, or loose your job... or maybe just have a few bad months and you let your relationship get a little cold???? What will she do then? How will you feel knowing what she did when you were in GOOD stages of your relationship?
3) You will never be able to fully trust her. When she goes out shopping (or with her friends) and she comes home 30 minutes, or 2 hours, later than originally planned your mind is going to go wild with thoughts. Can you live with that?
4) You have no kids, and might be early enough in your marriage to get out without major financial loss

Judge people by their actions, not their words. She straight up had sex with another man while you were gearing up for a happy life together. 

Question: Since this coworker got some sex and blowjobs... either at work or in the car... are you getting that same kind of enthusiastic sex from her or are you relegated to having sex only in your bed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> She has admitted to all of this Matt.


Not exactly. She has probably admitted to what she thinks she can get away with.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

I can buy the part of her story about the leg cramp... Many of times I have sex interrupted by a cramp of some sort. However, I am confident she is leaving something out... because, in ALL the times (EVERY SINGLE ONE - just to be clear) I had sex interrupted by a cramp, mine or hers, it was just that, an interruption. A little massage, a little more foreplay or oral stimulation, and it is almost always hotter and more passionate after the cramp.


Just another one of my ****** thoughts.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Suman Shrestha said:


> How do i approach this? Should i still be with her or should i let her go?


I think you should do the same thing now that you would have done if you'd found out when it happened. Otherwise she is rewarded for her years of deceit.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

She hasn't told you the whole truth. No one I know that is attracted to someone else and around them often has sex once. It is exciting and forbidden to them so they will do it often. All cheaters lie. She doesn't want to admit everything to you. Just have your eyes open about this. I got the same leave almost everything out story from my ex as many of us have here. She needs to come clean completely to you for your sake and hers especially if you are staying with her.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Based on my experience hearing hundreds of these stories, here is what I can tell you with 99.99% certainty:

1. The affair was much more involved than what she has admitted to. Much more.
2. She told you because there was danger of the story getting out. Maybe his spouse or friend found out and she was worried they would tell. She had to get out ahead of the story.
3. She is lying. About what? Pretty much everything.
4. The affair had long-lasting emotional repercussions that you will have to deal with for the rest of your relationship. It wasn't just a "fling" or "one night stand" that had no meaning. It was a very deep and emotional event that will have an impact on her until the day she dies. This will, in turn, have very a negative impact on you and your relationship.
5. She is lying.
6. She is lying.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

I found out 30 years into our marriage that H had sex with someone else while we were engaged. He wouldnt give me any details- in his mind because it happened before the priest had signed the papers it wasnt really infidelity....minimizes

I also found out that throughout the marriage -4 times he admitted to- he "kissed" other women when he was away on sporting weekends. trickle truth at best blatant lies probably

Several years ago I suspected he was having an A with a coworker- he has never admitted to that.

I had an A 7 years into our marriage which I came clean to when I suspected he was having one and came on TAM for advice- realized I was being hypocritical to say the least by not telling him...

Through several years of MC and IC we have worked things out and in many ways are much closer than we have ever been. We have kids, we have properties and investments and are ready to enjoy our retirement together. After so many years and because I was just as bad as him -some would say worse since there was an emotional component to it-we decided to make the best of the situation and try and better ourselves as partners and human beings.

If I had known about him having sex while we were engaged- way back then I would not have gone through with the marriage- no kids or property- cut your losses and move on. I think the ability to cheat is evidence of a moral hole in the heart with deep seated immaturity and selfishness surrounding it. It takes a lot of self introspection, discipline and counselling to figure out why it happened, how do you prevent it from happening again....

If you stay - stay with the knowledge that you DONT have all the details and most likely never will. Commit to MC and IC for both of you. Find out what each others needs are and how you can meet them. Have her be an open book with all electronics and social media- no opposite sex friends-

Trust but verify for a good long time then sporadically. I have not been able to properly move on- developed a relationship OCD thing (ignited by the deception) now at a tolerable level ....It is an odd way of living within a marriage. On the outside things are near perfect but on the inside I think we both carry the scars...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Suman Shrestha said:


> How do i approach this? Should i still be with her or should i let her go?


Sorry you are here. I do not buy the leg cramp from a few in and outs. That normally occurs with more vigorous activity. In short, your W is trickle truthing you to save her butt. Expose the affair far and wide. Welcome your W to the consequences. Does your WW work with the OM? If so, she needs to quit. What has your WW done to make this right?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'd have her sign a post-nup, if you decide to stay with her. I also wouldn't even consider having kids with her for a long time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would run. Some people are just not marriage material. More then likely this will be a pattern of hers her whole life. You have no kids you have the potential to be married to someone you can trust, your life will be much better. Treat her like cancer and cut her out, heal and move on.

Also by any definition a spouse who cheats on you is garbage and not a good wife or husband not matter how many dinners they cook.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> I think the ability to cheat is evidence of a moral hole in the heart with deep seated immaturity and selfishness surrounding it. It takes a lot of self introspection, discipline and counselling to figure out why it happened, how do you prevent it from happening again....


Would you say this about yourself before your affair? (You're right by the way) Would you say it now? What changed or didn't change.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Ajj,sorry for your pain my Friend. 

I really dont want to be rude or a d... but she is not telling you the whole truth. There is more. 

Dont let her blame you for her Affair. It is all on her. 

I have some questions for you :

Is she still working with her Affair Partner ?
Does anyone know about her Affair ? Maybe her good Friend helped her or something like that. 

How long have you been together? One Year Marriage plus dating ?
Why did she told you ? Did she went to Hospital for a check ?

Is OM married or in a relationship ? If yes please tell the other Woman. She deserves to know. She is in the same shoes as you are. 

Stay strong.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Would you say this about yourself before your affair? (You're right by the way) Would you say it now? What changed or didn't change.


Based on the recollection of myself before I had my A
-I never cheated in any other committed relationship before that A. It was something I never would have even considered. 

I had a 2 1/2 year relationship before my marriage where my BF cheated on me and I found out. I broke up with him, got back together -but it was never the same- he had killed the love.

After that relationship I wanted to experience the freedom of dating without commitments. I loved the thrill of a new person to kiss (I wasnt wanting more than that) and the exhileration of the dopamine rush. I knew this. I was an infatuation junkie. (evidence of immaturity and selfishness) I met H a month after the old relationship ended. We were dating but had not had any commitment talk so we both continued to see other people on the side I suppose. After we had the talk I committed and although I knew it would be a challenge I stuck to it- for 12 years. I know he didnt-(immaturity and selfishness)

When my EA was developing with the coworker......I compartmentalized and justified my actions-
It was not an accident - I wanted the guy to like me, I wanted him to give me attention and to pursue me. I was absolutely drowning in the dopamine. I think I wanted to prove I could still do the "conquest thing"- pick someone you want and go after them...even though I was a wife and mother- maybe because I was a wife and mother. That I intentionally let the EA develop despite the fact I had been in a committed relationship for 12 years is evidence of a moral hole of sorts. Both my parents had multiple affairs as well as at least one grandmother(I had no idea he had ever strayed- it never once occurred to me that he would)


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Suman Shrestha said:


> I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
> We have been married for a year and the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married.


To get the most helpful advice, you are going to have to be very specific about the state of your relationship at that time. Were you just informally dating? Had you had discussions about being exclusive? Were you engaged? 

The reason I'm asking is that dating means different things to different people. For some people, "dating" is not exclusive. Some people will date many people at the same time until they find someone they want to be exclusive with. Then they will discuss with their partner to be exclusive and not date other people. 

When she was with the other guy, how exclusive was your relationship supposed to be?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> Based on the recollection of myself before I had my A
> -I never cheated in any other committed relationship before that A. It was something I never would have even considered.
> 
> I had a 2 1/2 year relationship before my marriage where my BF cheated on me and I found out. I broke up with him, got back together -but it was never the same- he had killed the love.
> ...


Did he have the second affair?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I’m with the others questioning when this affair actually ended. 

Why did the affair partner make threats now after is was supposed to be over for so long?

Answer: It ended went he threatened to expose and your wife confessed.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The OM has probably been telling the wife that she has to keep putting out or he will tell and she finally had enough.

Have you talked to the guy?
Is he married?
Did you get a STD test?
Did he get your wife pregnant?
Who else has she said knows about it?

If they still work together, it is not over, she is just on damage control because someone was going to tell.

Drive to a parking lot and tell her she is going to take a polygraph test in 30 mins and that if it reveals any lies on the test, you'll dump her. See what she has to say.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

My understanding is that she had sex with him a few times 7 months before you got married and now it's 12 months later.

So now it's 19 months after the first sexual contacts? And now 19 months later he's approaching her for the first time after her marriage for more sex? 

Why did he wait 19 months? It's more likely they've been seeing each other on and off for 19 months and for whatever reason you wife wants to break it off - and the guy is being a jerk. First you need all the facts so propose a lie detector test (she'll suddenly remember much more - but probably not everything). I'd insist on the lie detector test to get the details that you need to either forgive or divorce her. Get all the facts, dates and details. Frankly, I don't think being a good wife automatically over comes deception and infidelity (past or present).


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## Goodhealth (Jun 18, 2018)

Does she routinely have leg cramps and need to stop having sex with you? That sounds hard to believe. I have never had to stop for that.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

dadstartingover said:


> Based on my experience hearing hundreds of these stories, here is what I can tell you with 99.99% certainty:
> 
> 1. The affair was much more involved than what she has admitted to. Much more.
> 2. She told you because there was danger of the story getting out. Maybe his spouse or friend found out and she was worried they would tell. She had to get out ahead of the story.
> ...


You forgot number 7, if her mouth is moving, you can bet she is lying


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Did he have the second affair?


He has never admitted to being any more than a friend and coworker to her. There were lots of red flags though
-disconnected from me- stopped texting me during work or bare minimum 1 word answers hours later
-texted her in bed one night letting her know they were going to have to go out on call together
-went to her house at least 4 times to do "jobs" for her despite the fact she lived with a guy
-deleted her texts and call logs-continued doing this while we were in MC but said he wasnt they just werent talking anymore
-failed a poly-said it was because he had "kissed"some girls on weekends away decades before
-convinced the examiner not to give him the 2nd poly -because I would never be satisfied no matter the outcome(true- by this time I was in OCD mode)

soooooooooooo EA for sure and as they say given time and proximity it would go PA......

-slight thread jack- as to weather or not I am immature and selfish with a hole in my soul now.......I'd say I'm definately not immature- maturity came with age, life experience, kids, a broader perspective on things .
I'd say I am not selfish- I have been a great mom which requires self sacrifice, Ive cared for both my parents as they died over 3 years. I am a very good partner now -determined to be an even better one.

As for the hole in my soul- its still there. I try and fill it with interesting hobbies or pursuits. I try to get out of my head and busy with other productive things. I think that hole is OCD, depression, grief, creative passions that cant be expressed. Yoga is helpful. I'd be interested to know if this is how you feel sometimes? I think one cannot cheat without a hole in their soul, but one can have a hole in there soul and not cheat. I have always thought that tattoos are hole in the soul fillers. 

Currently I'm into chickens! We now have 9 running around our backyard and sunroom till we get a coop finished at the farmhouse. Hilarious pets- who knew? H has always been very tolerant of my interests -he calls them my experiments- as in" lets see if I can learn everything there is to know about chickens and raise them successfully. " The whole family has been enjoying this one. 

End of thread jack


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Suman Shrestha said:


> I recently found out few weeks ago that my wife had an affair with her co-worker while we were dating.
> We have been married for a year and the affair happened around 6-7 months before we got married.
> My wife told about this herself as she was suffering from the guilt and didn't want to hide it anymore.
> She promises it has stopped, she broke things off before we got married. She has been honest about everything, what they did, how they did etc. She has given me access to all here phones, emails, social media etc. She says she whats a chance to prove her love for me.
> ...


Does she still work with him?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Suman Shrestha said:


> She says they had sex once that too just a few in outs then she had a leg cramp and they stopped. But apparently she gave him blowjob twice in different occasions and kissed a few times. I think the guy must have said something and she panicked and let me know.


Cheaters lie and minimize their cheating. Your wife saying that they had “sex once that too just a few in outs then she had a leg cramp and they stopped” is one of the most extreme examples of this lying and minimizing that I have ever seen posted to this site. If it were not so serious a matter it would be laughable.

Also, her confessing because the guy “said something” that forced her to tell you confirms that they are still in current contact with each other, which shows that she never went no contact with her affair partner, and that he is still a part of her life. This means that they either still work with each other, or that they have stayed in contact even after they no longer worked with each other; I am not sure which is worse. The bottom line is that you do not know anything close to the full story. You cannot forgive what you do not know, and she cannot appologize for what she does not tell you. 

Only one year of marriage and no children means that you should file for divorce immediatly before children and serious alimony become a factor. You can always remarry if she does the work needed to earn a chance at a new start with you.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

5
UJohnnie ypu to jyhh

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Goodhealth said:


> Does she routinely have leg cramps and need to stop having sex with you? That sounds hard to believe. I have never had to stop for that.



Actually this does happen to me sometimes (not wife), but I am in my mid 60s. I agree with the consensus... she’s minimizing!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One gets leg cramps from humping like a crazed rabbit, not a couple of thrusts. STOP???
Maybe if one of the legs were amputated by a bear who was sleeping nearby. Maybe.

Then chances of a cramp interrupting sex with an affair partner? probably about the same as winning the lottery in separate states with the same lotto number, on the same day.

Clearly a LIE. One of many.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Robbie1234 said:


> I have written before about my ex wife having an affair with her boss and us reconciling. Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. In the ten years I never fully trusted her and every girls night out or work trip had me thinking she was cheating. It was hell.
> I would never recommend reconciling with a cheating wife much less a cheating fiancee. As @Andy1001 said why did she suddenly own up,has someone threatened to our her.
> Do yourself a favour and walk away,it will hurt but you are going to have a life of hell if you don't.


This is your answer right here. When you should have been the center of her romantic universe, a happy connecting time, engagement, and marriage she was actively hooking up with another man.

The images will never fully go away.

You will never look at her the same way.

This guy will pop back up, 1 year from now, 10 years from now, maybe during a rough patch in your marriage.

A high percentage of these type of women start up the affair again later, regardless of how sincere they seem now.

My gosh think about the implications of what this says about her. 

Do you want to divorce her in the future when you have kids?

She is probably lying about how many times they had sex. That is what we see here almost without exception.

Get yourself tested for an STD!!!

They also almost always lie about using protection.

Plus oral sex can transmit desease.

She owed you this information before the marriage. Your marriage, her marriage is based on a lie.

She does not respect you to do this, she will respect you less if you rugsweep it.

You will look very weak.

Do not mortgage your future happiness, to pay for her betrayal now.

I wish you well.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Suman Shrestha said:


> I think the guy must have said something and she panicked and let me know.


We hear often that once they cheat, it becomes so much easier to cheat the second time.

She would have gone to her grave letting you believe she was a faithful and loyal wife.

If she could have.

Also, if she was afraid you might find out, but said it was guilt, it's just another lie.

Its a cheaters mindset.

For years to come, you will feel sick when she travels, or is late, or says she has to work more, or is going to the gym, etc.

Every phone call, every text, her time at work.

Is that the happiness you expected in marriage?


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

I've told my wife that if she cheats, it's best she not even tell me. Don't develop a conscience thinking that will make it all better. I have so much explosive anger that it's best I not know at all. Our lives would change for the worse pretty much immediately and I'm not going to jail.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

So what's the story here? She was having sex with another man while engaged to you? That's a serious deal killer. You are not obligated to forgive or forget?
She's entirely at fault and the consequences are caused by her. Why torture yourself with bad memories when there's no kids?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Well it looks like OP left the building. In case you're still lurking, I agree with others. That it is VERY likely that the affair continued until recently. She may have stopped after the wedding but like so many WWs, they return to their AP.

Things may have soured or POS' spouse may have found out and threatened to expose. Either way, it is unlikely that she confessed out of guilt. A woman that can carry on an affair while preparing for a wedding is pretty low. 

Also, it is very doubtful they only had sex once and 2 BJs. During an affair, the high a woman gets from sneaking around being bad is intoxicating to them. They will do anything to keep the feeling going.

Can you imagine a woman like this after 10 years and a couple of kids? By then you'll really be on the hook. I strongly recommend that you cut her loose.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I am amazed how op and others say, now the ww is a good wife now because they do the stuff a spouse is supposed to do. Taking care of your spouse ( male or female) and the kids is the job description. It does not make you a good spouse. Not cheating, not lying, not minimizing, not making secret choices that can alter lives are all part of the spouse job description.

As far as showing remorse...since when did that make a substantive difference? I guess I am wired differently. Do what you need. Go thru the process and learn that she is lying. Go thru mind movies, blameshifting, etc. In the end she banged and blew another dude while you were engaged and then kept it from you before marriage so as to gain an advantage as it is harder to walk away from a marriage. Bottom line, you live with it and her or you don't. 

Remorse, affirmation and all of that stuff makes the sh-t sandwich palatable. Safe partner stuff assumes she is a serial cheater. She may have just wanted one dude, got it on rode it out and now she is done. So back to your sandwich.

Either you are in and eat the sandwich and get used to the taste or get out and eventually forget the taste.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Ben over 2 and a half weeks since the OP posted. I don't think he liked what he heard.:|


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