# Made a huge mistake. Cost me big.



## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Long story broken down:

Years 3-5 of our marriage, I admit I was a jerk to her. I didn't feel like I loved her anymore. I slept with about ten different women during this time. She suspected me, but never had any solid proof. I'm ashamed of this and boy do I regret it now. Yes, I believe in karma. Yes, I feel I deserve what I'm getting. Yes, I will never cheat on someone I love ever again. I learned it really wasn't worth it.

Our daughter was born 5 years into the M and I came around. I found out how happy I was with them, and loved them madly. It kills me that my house is empty. No munchkin to wake me up and run around, no wife to fall asleep holding after making love.

6 years into the M and with our daughter 1 y.o., I find out she had a long term sexting relationship with someone on the west coast (thousands of miles away). I'm devastated, forgive her, try to work it out. She says she regrets it, wants to be with me, wants to make it work. For the next two years, things get worse, instead of better. She doesnt show she wants to make it work, she acts like she doesnt love me anymore, she tells me this. She starts going to the gym ALOT with her sister (sister is a *****, ended up banging her personal trainer, repeatedly, and other guys as well. Has two kids, getting divorced too). She starts hanging out with single and promiscuous girl friends, wanting privacy, freedom to come and go as she pleases for "girls nights out".

Then she says she's not in love with me anymore, wants to just be friends. Doesnt even want to do marriage counseling, and is very secretive with her sister. Her, her sister, and the kids get their own apartment. I know shes been "talking" to other guys, probably sleeping around just like her sister. I feel like i had my heart and a lung ripped out. I tried taking my mind off her with other girls, but I still miss her and my daughter very much.

I'm not here for pity, I said I know I deserve all this. But just needed to vent. When I find a girl I love again, I will cherish her, and never cheat on her. We hurt each other a lot, and this is where it's got us now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry, life does give us hard lessons. I would say, dust off and move on. It also helps to share with others the lessons you learned maybe you can prevent someone from repeating your mistakes. It takes courage to change and admit your wrong doings. Next time around will be different  hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No you don't deserve this treatment. Her being a cheating skank is her choice and just as wrong are your choice to cheat.

You can try to deal with this by finding out the details of the other men and exposing the affairs in public, post the other men on cheaterville.com, make it known that any guy who bangs your wife will be public ally humiliated.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> No you don't deserve this treatment. Her being a cheating skank is her choice and just as wrong are your choice to cheat.
> 
> You can try to deal with this by finding out the details of the other men and exposing the affairs in public, post the other men on cheaterville.com, make it known that any guy who bangs your wife will be public ally humiliated.


He cheated on her with 10 different women. I believe this was a revenge affair.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> He cheated on her with 10 different women. I believe this was a revenge affair.


Oh I get that. It doesn't mean he should just step back and accept it.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Thanks for the positive words. She doesn't know for sure i cheated, just like i dont know for sure she cheated. Though she probably did and knows i probably did too.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

What a mess, you both obviously have trust issues now. Have no respect for each other either. I mean, heck, try marriage counseling?? You cheated on her so much, now she cheats on you? WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED??? Not sure what can be done at this point except give the advice of a good divorce attorney>?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> No you don't deserve this treatment. Her being a cheating skank is her choice and just as wrong are your choice to cheat.
> 
> You can try to deal with this by finding out the details of the other men and exposing the affairs in public, post the other men on cheaterville.com, make it known that any guy who bangs your wife will be public ally humiliated.


Maybe, before he throws stones at her, he should tell her the truth of his affairs and give her all the info about the other owmen (10 of them) so that she can expose so that she can publically humilitate him and the women he cheated with.

It has to be a two way street. He does not get to life about his affairs but make hers public.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> Thanks for the positive words. She doesn't know for sure i cheated, just like i dont know for sure she cheated. Though she probably did and knows i probably did too.


Let's see, you don't now if your wife cheated.

You do know that you cheated however. So if you want to save your marriage, the first step is for you to tell you wife EVERYTHING about YOUR infidelity.

Then let the chips fall where they may.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don;t know how to read this situation given the limited amount written above.

This could be a case of two people who just don't love each other any more, don't want to be together and who should probably just divorce.

Or it could be a case of people who do love each other, do want to be together, but who have turned their backs on each other because each has hurt the other so much - and who don't know how to reconnect. 

I'm going to go with the second of these and what I write below is based on that.

As has been mentioned above, her As were quite possible a case of her wanting to lash out and get back at you since you hurt her so badly. 

So either split up for good or find a way back to her. If you want to get back together, I think you need to recognise that although she has had As you are the "primary cheater" - the one who initiated the whole cycle of infidelity. I would also guess that she is in such a state of anger (which is where the As come from I imagine) that you have to be the one to make the first move to get her back. I would just tell her that you lost your way and made mistakes but that you are now very clear on what you want (and in doing so I think that you have to make it clear that you want her as a woman and as a wife, not just "part of the package" that comes with your daughter). 

Once you have told her that I think that you need to back off a little to be respectful and give her a bit of space, but you also need to be persistent. A hard balancing act. Remember that actions speak louder than words. She has to feel that you respect her and value her as a person, as a woman and as a mother. When she begins to come around (if she does) her first reaction will probably be to vent her anger at you. You'll just have to suck this up and not hit back. And if you value her at all then don't even look at another woman - don't call, don't text, don't have an "innocent coffee". She will see any of those things as you being up to your old tricks.

I would also respectfully disagree with other posters who advocate exposing her affair(s) -at least for now. I agree with Ele that these are probably revenge affairs. If she wants to get back with you they will naturally die. Exposure will appear to her like you attacking her directly. It will be an escalation of the war which you want to end. In her mind she is quite justifiably punishing you for your affairs. In the short term I think that you should regard this as just punishment and take it. If, in the longer term, you make no headway with her and these affairs are still going on you can expose then. But doing so now would be seen as a declaration of war. I know that a lot of other posters will disagree with me on this, but that is my view based on my reading of the situation (which might be completely wrong, of course).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I won't even try to say something about this relationship except that when it comes to your child, you have certain rights regarding visitation. If she's not giving you access, contact an attorney now

Your lack of contact could look bad for you during the divorce precess


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Thumper said:


> What a mess, you both obviously have trust issues now. Have no respect for each other either. I mean, heck, try marriage counseling?? You cheated on her so much, now she cheats on you? WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MARRIED??? Not sure what can be done at this point except give the advice of a good divorce attorney>?


I changed when I found out about her sexting EA 2 years ago. I tried to be a better husband to her, appreciate her, and show her I love her. Unfortunately, it was too late for that. She had already checked out, fell out of love with me, and wanted to see how greener the other grass is. I want to be married because I love her madly. Now I realize she's the love of my life. She doesn't even wanna try MC, which means there's probably someone else in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Maybe, before he throws stones at her, he should tell her the truth of his affairs and give her all the info about the other owmen (10 of them) so that she can expose so that she can publically humilitate him and the women he cheated with.
> 
> It has to be a two way street. He does not get to life about his affairs but make hers public.


I have no intention of doing that. I'd like to just get back together, put the past behind us, and see that she's 100% committed to making it work this time. I'd be willing to accept that if it means we can be a happy family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

I still love her. She says she loves me bnilwm. I don't know if she will ever love me again. 

I stopped asking what she's doing because she tells me it's none if my business who she talks to because we aren't together anymore. I give her space now, because when she does see me she's usually a major ***** to me and just wants to fight. She's such a sweet girl, to everyone except me. She says she doesn't hate me when I tell her she does, but her actions speak loud and clear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> I changed when I found out about her sexting EA 2 years ago. I tried to be a better husband to her, appreciate her, and show her I love her. Unfortunately, it was too late for that. She had already checked out, fell out of love with me, and wanted to see how greener the other grass is. I want to be married because I love her madly. Now I realize she's the love of my life. She doesn't even wanna try MC, which means there's probably someone else in her life.


I suggest that you get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will tell you what you need to do to even have a chance to get her back.

In your case it's not just about her affair(s). You cheated and at some time, before there can be recovery you have to tell her about your affairs. You will never be able to fix this without you being completely honest with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> I have no intention of doing that. I'd like to just get back together, put the past behind us, and see that she's 100% committed to making it work this time. I'd be willing to accept that if it means we can be a happy family.


Read the book I suggested. Your marriage can never be repaired if you are not 100% honest with her. It's about 99% that she already knows that you cheated on her. You not admitting it and being honest just proves that you intend to continue to lie and disrespect her.

Lies kill marriages as you have already seen.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

You're right about lies killing marriages, ele. She has become such a liar to me. Every other thing was a lie for the past two years and I would tell her I knew she was lying, but she insisted she wasn't until I would show her irrefutable evidence that I knew she was lying. She told me last night via text that she couldn't answer my call because her and my daughter were sleeping, but I know for a fact she wasn't even at her new place and went out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> You're right about lies killing marriages, ele. She has become such a liar to me. Every other thing was a lie for the past two years and I would tell her I knew she was lying, but she insisted she wasn't until I would show her irrefutable evidence that I knew she was lying. She told me last night via text that she couldn't answer my call because her and my daughter were sleeping, but I know for a fact she wasn't even at her new place and went out.


You did the same thing to her before she started cheating. 

All cheaters lie. It's necessary to cheat. You are still lying by not telling her what you did.

On some level you are allowing her to bear the guilt of being the only spouse who cheated. That's very dishonest and cruel of you.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Just a question but...

How the heck do people find the time to have affairs. When I'm done work.. I go home to my wife an kids...

She knew where I was and I knew where she was...

How does this happen?


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Just a question but...
> 
> How the heck do people find the time to have affairs. When I'm done work.. I go home to my wife an kids...
> 
> ...


How long have you been married?

It happens, that's when you start seeing the red flags. "working late", meeting up with the "friends", suddenly very interested in their appearance, start pulling away, start rationalizing that it's ok for them to go out without you once in a while, starts taking up other activities to explain what's taking up their time. It's really not that hard and you can't be with someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They could be using their lunch break to go for a quickie in a motel, car, or if someone has a local open room available.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I was married 15 years and not once did I ever thinking of straying from my family or my vows.

When I was done work.. I came home where I belonged.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> I was married 15 years and not once did I ever thinking of straying from my family or my vows.
> 
> When I was done work.. I came home where I belonged.


You're one of the lucky ones.

Ok, just read the first and last page of your thread here, spoke too soon. Sounds like she found someone else and left you for him/them, but you already know that. Good luck.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm not lucky.. I believed in my vows and knew my duty as a husband and father.

There was no luck there. How could I ever sleep with another woman then come home .. clean it off, and sleep with my wife.

The thought of that dumbfounds me...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> You're one of the lucky ones.


It's not luck that keeps a person from cheating.

It's not a mistake when a person cheats.

Cheating is a concious choice a person makes. Spilling milk is a mistake.

This is what makes it so hurtful... that the person who promised to love you forever purposely did a very hurtful and disrespectful thing. They did it dispite knowing that it was a terrible thing to do.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

I was referring to being happily married for 15 years and in that time infidelity hasnt been an issue to come up thus far, on behalf of either party. My fault, I was kind of vague.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> I was referring to being happily married for 15 years and in that time infidelity hasnt been an issue to come up thus far, on behalf of either party. My fault, I was kind of vague.


Ok.... now I get your point.

A happy marriage is usually not luck either. Unfortunately our society does not teach how to have a happy marriage. Instead things like affair, being self centered, etc are encouraged.

How to have a strong, happy, passionate marriage can be taught. It's a shame it's not.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> This is interesting what a bunch of hypocrites.
> 
> Did you ever tell your wife that you were [email protected] around like a new orleans pimp tasting the products? Or did you have her thinking that you morphed into Ward Clever?
> 
> ...



Bravo.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok.... now I get your point.
> 
> A happy marriage is usually not luck either. Unfortunately our society does not teach how to have a happy marriage. Instead things like affair, being self centered, etc are encouraged.
> 
> How to have a strong, happy, passionate marriage can be taught. It's a shame it's not.


Agreed.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> This is interesting what a bunch of hypocrites.
> 
> Did you ever tell your wife that you were [email protected] around like a new orleans pimp tasting the products? Or did you have her thinking that you morphed into Ward Clever?
> 
> ...


Can't say I disagree. I learned the hard way, and now I'm paying the price. Wasn't worth it. 

To any of you out there that are considering cheating on your spouse, it will catch up with you eventually, one way or another. Like I said, when I find the next great girl, I wont make that mistake again. Now that I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Sorry sad, looks like I spoke too soon. Just read the first and last page of your thread. Sounds like she left you for someone else, but you already know that. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> Can't say I disagree. I learned the hard way, and now I'm paying the price. Wasn't worth it.
> 
> To any of you out there that are considering cheating on your spouse, it will catch up with you eventually, one way or another. Like I said, when I find the next great girl, I wont make that mistake again. Now that I know what it feels like to be stabbed in the back.


I disagree that your wife stabbed you in the back. You stabbed her in the back.

Once you killed your marriage she just did the most natural thing... she moved on. 

See this is what is bothering me about your posts. You make a remark about how you did wrong but will not let her know. Then you go on about how she betrayed you; about how she hurt you.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Do you intend to share with this great girl that you are a serial cheater or are you going to put on the mask of hurt loving father and husband whose wife cheated on him? I'm betting the latter, more lies.
> *Neither. I don't intend on bringing baggage into a new relationship. I've geared my mind toward a positive tomorrow, rather than dwelling on the past.*
> You expect a great girl to love the mask? Wait till she gets to see the real you. Great girls have options and a serial cheaters with no respect for women are not the qualities that are admired.
> 
> ...


You say I'm a serial cheater. That hasnt been the case for quite some time. I was never a serial cheater before that, either. As mentioned previously, I feel that I've become a better man each day ever since I realized how wrong what I did was.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that your wife stabbed you in the back. You stabbed her in the back.
> 
> Once you killed your marriage she just did the most natural thing... she moved on.
> 
> See this is what is bothering me about your posts. You make a remark about how you did wrong but will not let her know. Then you go on about how she betrayed you; about how she hurt you.


I see what you mean. Truth is we both betrayed each other. I did it first, which is why I have no anger towards her. It hurt, but Im sure she hurt when she was wondering what I was doing back then. 

With our situation, we're both %99 sure the other cheated. Perhaps some day we will have the conversation about the remaining %1 uncertainty and resolve it then. But I just want to make sure we will both be able to deal with it in a manner that wont bring on more negativity - i.e., when we have a good friendship as parents to our kid, and will no longer hold our pasts against each other.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RegretfulGuy said:


> I changed when I found out about her sexting EA 2 years ago. I tried to be a better husband to her, appreciate her, and show her I love her. Unfortunately, it was too late for that. She had already checked out, fell out of love with me, and wanted to see how greener the other grass is. I want to be married because I love her madly. Now I realize she's the love of my life. She doesn't even wanna try MC, which means there's probably someone else in her life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The grass is greener where you water it.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> It does not matter how long ago your serial cheating was, you are a serial cheater. Like or not. If you think you can just put your deception behind you as if it didn't happen then you may have to consider the possibility that you are blind and delusional.
> 
> You are already suffering the consequence of your deceptive nature. Burying your head in the sand so you avoid revealing your character fools no one but you.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> I disagree that your wife stabbed you in the back. You stabbed her in the back.
> 
> Once you killed your marriage she just did the most natural thing... she moved on.
> 
> See this is what is bothering me about your posts. You make a remark about how you did wrong but will not let her know. Then you go on about how she betrayed you; about how she hurt you.


You ladies seem to provide excellent insight. Kindly, tell me what keeps you hanging around this neck of the woods? 

I'll bet you two would make excellent lovers/girlfriends/wives, no doubt. Somewhere out there, there are two VERY lucky men, no?


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

lol Why so bitter trolling the separation and divorce forum? You just think you know everything, don't you? You obviously enjoy kicking people when they're down, even after they've admitted they were wrong and are learning from their mistakes. Stay classy, Catherine. :smthumbup:



Catherine602 said:


> Surely not as lucky as your wife. She must be thrilled to have a man like you on her life. Somewhere out there is a girl just like you, I am certain you will meet her.
> 
> Too bad you don't like what you hear. You will hear it again and live it too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> You ladies seem to provide excellent insight. Kindly, tell me what keeps you hanging around this neck of the woods?
> 
> I'll bet you two would make excellent lovers/girlfriends/wives, no doubt. Somewhere out there, there are two VERY lucky men, no?


Well in my case.. yes there is a very lucky man.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Well in my case.. yes there is a very lucky man.


Yeah, that's probably why she's so bitter and trolling on here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RegretfulGuy said:


> Yeah, that's probably why she's so bitter and trolling on here.


Are you saying that I'm bitter an trolling on here?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Regretful Guy - you are not seeming too regretful. 

Bottom line - when you do something as horrendous as cheating on a significant other after taking vows, people do form an opinion. Nobody on this forum is perfect. But you have to own your mistakes. And infidelity is a doozy. It's not like stepping on someone's foot. 

I'll be honest - I've never seen someone change and flip that switch to being a non-cheater. But I do believe it's possible. If you focused your thread on your own positive changes and how you are dealing with your mistakes and evolving as a person, you'd be getting a much different reaction. 

Insulting people here by making sexist statements about their ability to attract a man is not only demeaning to them, but to the purpose of this forum.


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## RegretfulGuy (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that I'm bitter an trolling on here?


No, I wasn't talking about you.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

so, I just read your post and Im not sure what to make of it all. That your mixed up and hurt definitly,,,,,,, You cant come on a site lkie this and tell us you hav
e had 10 affairs and not expect us to get real with you. If you really want help you will try and and understand even the negative that you dont agree with. 

So now my point of view: You are a serial cheeter.. you need to own it. no matter why you had 10 affairs in the first 5 years of your marriage you did have them.... not 1, not 2, not 3...10......

I am married, stbd. just waiting for the final paperwork.. I have been married to a serial cheeter for (it will be 36 years this June). has he always been a serial cheeter..... is that like once an alcoholic always and alcoholic? My stbx had at least 6 affairs that i know of in the first 7 years of our marriage,he went to a IC for quite a while to try and figure out why. I beleive that he may have stayed faithful for the next 9 years.....Im not sure however but I hope he was. he that had another two in our 17th year. I forgave him, more counsling. 6 years latter the husband of AP died and he tried to get her back, almost had a break down. we were seperated for over a year that time. back together 8 years and he started another affair that I found out about a year latter. He said he loved me, he still wants me.... just sex....Im divorcing him finally. my question to you is how many years were you married. as you can tell from my story you can have a long periode of being failful and then revert.. so yes I think a serial cheeter is a serial cheeter even if they never did it again... why? because they can do it, they have proved that they are capable of not caring how much they hurt their spouce and that they have no honor or integrety to their parter or the vows they made.

I dont thein that gives the partner a right to also go have an A. but sometimes broken people do not have the best judgement and act out of pain.

If you really want your marriage.. and you really need to examine that... ) IC is a must...) they you need need to confess all. Ask forgiveness and ask her what else you have done in your marriage that you need to be forgiven for. then maybe you will have a chance that your wife may do the same thing. A fresh new start is rarley a realtiy. you both have a lot of junk now in your minds and heart that shouldnt be there.. but you both did it now you have to see if you can work with it. good luck...


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## malagacoast (Feb 2, 2015)

RegretfulGuy, 
I personally do not think you are REGRETFUL at all.
I think you are selfish, and probably a Narcissist. 

Your wife KNEW what was going on, trust me. Most women can " SMELL" the Affairs that husbands are into.

Some look the other way, for different reasons, some, do not.

Best wishes to you and remember, Start reading on NARCISSISTS. It will do you a lot of good.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This is a thread from two years ago. Please don't post on such old threads. The discussion is dead and the people have moved on.


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