# Curiosity killed the cat



## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Little background.

Me 34
Only ever kissed my wife. Only had sex with my wife.
I had never felt I missed out on anything, never wanted to know what it would be like to be with another.

Her 34
When broken up for 3 days when dating she kissed another guy.
When married to me for 15 years on the 23rd of July she had sex with another guy. She felt like she was missing out by only being with me.

Now after her affair I find myself curious what it would be like to be with another woman, what it would be like to share a kiss with someone other than my wife. I feel bad that I now have this curiosity. 

My wife says she understands and thinks after what she did that I should have sex with another woman and she wants to be there but not take part. 

Why now do I wonder what it will be like when I didn't before?

Why is my wife pushing me in that direction? (going as far as to ask a few women if they would be interested)


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's all about her guilt and continued interest in other men.

She's not caring about you at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She wants to minimise the affair, then throw back in your face that you cheated as it helps take away the consequences of her cheating.

Ingnore her stupid comments and in future state you honour your marriage vows, respect her as your wife and are not an adulterer .

Short and to the point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Thinking about it is one thing, doing it is another, DONT!!!!! its seems like your wife is ok ,because maybe in her mind it will make you two even, she had her fling now you get yours? If your wife is cool with this idea and it goes down and in the middle of it or afterwards, she FREAKS the effe out about it....then what? you just screwed another woman! just like her affair, you cant take it back, her idea or not, its a bad one.....its just a phase, it wil pass...my idea of an revenge affair did.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Don't. That way lies disaster. 

Deal with the feelings and figure out your relationship - but dont do it.

(It must be an excruciatingly tempting offer. A free pass, as it were. I wouldnt buy into the 'she wants to be there' part. No way.)

You need to consider what is going to happen if it is the best sex you ever had in your entire life. Of course, it is more likely it would be average - though probably exciting simply out of novelty... but I dont see much good coming from it - I mean what, is REALLY the point? Curiosity? Hmmmm.

Use your brain. Again - dont do it.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Little background.
> 
> Me 34
> Only ever kissed my wife. Only had sex with my wife.
> ...


I think it's her guilt talking. You were both "firsts" for each other and It's something that never really goes away, and when that's taken away, I think it's all the more devestating. My husband was my first, he took great pride in knowing that I shared my love only with him. Only to have it ripped away from him from someone else.

I get the curiosity thing for sure. I had a lot of curiousity about what it would be like to be with someone else before my affair, although it wasn't my primary reason for cheating, and if other stuff didn't factor in, I wouldn't have cheated. Years ago, he wanted me to have another experience with someone, I said no, that I was happy with our sex life. He pushed it quite a bit, which led to us having a foursome, it went horrible, and I couldn't stand watching him making out with another woman, so I stopped it before it reached intercourse for both of us. The interesting part to all of this is that he says to me now that if I had only wanted to have "different" sex, he would have been fine with it had he known, but to go behind his back......


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

You need to wise up. This is a recipe for disaster.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Did you and your wife get tested for STD's?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I guess what has me thinking about it the most is some of the things she told me. Like, "your better but he was just diffrent" and "I really liked the way it felt when I was on top" and "he smelled, kissed, moved, felt, and talked diffrent, It was nice, I enjoyed it, but I enjoy you more"

I've always thought sex with my wife was great. She squirts multi times most times we have sex/make love. She always ensures I'm happy. She likes to try new things. (little closet freak)

So why now is it I want to know what diffrent is? 

Would it be cheating if she brought this other girl home, or just kinky?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Did you and your wife get tested for STD's?


Full pannel on me, and the major ones done for free at the health dept for her.

100% clean


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

It's her letting you "get even." No good. No good at all.

Sex is good. It's fun. It's great for many different reasons. 

But it's not worth losing your self-respect over. It's not worth (what's left of) your relationship. 

Do you HONESTLY think having sex with another woman is going to solve your problems? Tit for tat rarely works... even if your wie is "there."

If you want to open up your marriage, it needs to be opened from a place of honesty and trust, not 'cause your wife is giving you a free pass to make up for what she did.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Its not about kink. Its about how your 'relationship' with your wife will change - has changed - or whatever is left of it.

JMHO - if you dont slam the door on this - you are both done...if you are not done already.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Don't do it.

Having experienced other people is over rated. 
Your wife being your only is gold (even though you are no longer her only).
Gold.

Don't dump the gold experience.

If your marriage doesn't survive, in the future you will be forced to find people and see how over rated it is to have more than one.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I guess what has me thinking about it the most is some of the things she told me. Like, "your better but he was just diffrent" and "I really liked the way it felt when I was on top" and "he smelled, kissed, moved, felt, and talked diffrent, It was nice, I enjoyed it, but I enjoy you more"
> 
> I've always thought sex with my wife was great. She squirts multi times most times we have sex/make love. She always ensures I'm happy. She likes to try new things. (little closet freak)
> 
> ...


I think that if infidelity wasn't in the picture it would require major trust on both sides. And right now you don't have that trust in her. I'm not sure if it's all about evening out the score, there's a little bit of the fact that it has opened up the doors for a bit of experiementation, and right now it's not safe, it's dangerous territory. 

I'm all for the "open marriage" life style, but remember even the most strong and healthy relationships don't make it through that type of lifestyle.


I'll shut up now because this sounds familiar to us.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Follow the great advice above about not doing it. Its all part of relieving her guilt and trying to rug sweep. Don't fall for it. Do you really still want to R with a person like this that's making plans?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Seems everyone here is thinking clearer than I am. I'm seeing a commonality with all the responces and I know everyone is right. I even feel bad that I am having thoughts like this. That should have been my first clue.

So how do I stop? When the waves of hurt roll over me, and I think about that something special she gave away and her words of how she enjoyed it cause it was diffrent. How do I stop from going to that dark place that makes me wonder, what would it be like? Am I missing out by only being with one woman my whole life? 

I don't know how much longer I can ride this rollercoaster of pain.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Seems everyone here is thinking clearer than I am. I'm seeing a commonality with all the responces and I know everyone is right. I even feel bad that I am having thoughts like this. That should have been my first clue.
> 
> So how do I stop? When the waves of hurt roll over me, and I think about that something special she gave away and her words of how she enjoyed it cause it was diffrent. How do I stop from going to that dark place that makes me wonder, what would it be like? Am I missing out by only being with one woman my whole life?
> 
> I don't know how much longer I can ride this rollercoaster of pain.


You stop yourself by thinking of the consequences. The pain you feel now as the BS would be magnified 100x if you went through with this. You would be adding guilt, shame, and a thousand other emotions onto what you are already feeling. And if you are trying to R you can forget that ever happening because there would be too much baggage to carry in the relationship.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Follow the great advice above about not doing it. Its all part of relieving her guilt and trying to rug sweep. Don't fall for it. Do you really still want to R with a person like this that's making plans?


I dont think it is so much that she is rug sweeping. I think it might have a lot to do with relieving her guilt. 

She says she wants me to have the experience so that I don't have this huge trigger of what we had (as someone else put it) was gold. That she wants me to be happy and knows two girls is every mans fantasy.

I do want to be with her. I want a stronger happy marriage where she can tell me what she's feeling. I want to be happy again, and I want her to be happy.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I frankly do not believe that your wife would be able to withstand seeing you, or simply knowing, that enjoyed sex with another woman. It would be devastating to her self esteem which was already low to begin with.

The only way that a married couple can experience sex with others without damaging their marriage is to achieve a level of trust and commitment to one another that the two of you are YEARS from achieving.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Wanabeelee said:


> I dont think it is so much that she is rug sweeping. I think it might have a lot to do with relieving her guilt.
> 
> She says she wants me to have the experience so that I don't have this huge trigger of what we had (as someone else put it) was gold. That she wants me to be happy and knows two girls is every mans fantasy.
> 
> I do want to be with her. I want a stronger happy marriage where she can tell me what she's feeling. I want to be happy again, and I want her to be happy.



Be really careful dude... Your sitting squarely on the slippery slope right now...

Your well on your way to talking yourself into this. I see your line of reasoning, and your really getting close to no return zone..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

I completely disagree, quit being codependent, you cant be afraid to put your marriage to the test, if she can withstand the fact you were with and truly enjoyed 2 and 3 other women and she stuck to you through it all and stayed commited, you get your self esteem back and it will be easier for you to make a qualified decision is if she's worth it. Let me tell you something buddy, you dont want to be in your death bed with a gal who truly resents you and feels stuck and you know she's shared things special with others and you missed out on the opportunity. Your your own man, dont be controlled by your feelings nor her feelings, exercise free will and as much as marriage is beutiful it requires balance and parity and you need to shape your subconcious mental state with a level of indifference, if this is a possible solution to move forward and test her commitment to you, do it. DOnt let her select the gal, you do it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife trashed a social bond you shared with only on another up to her cheating. She showed just his much she didn't care or value it. Now she is thinking if she can get you to throwaway your half of that unique bond, that she isn't as awful as she is.

Some call it guilt. I think it's not guilt, but instead trying to get you to drop down to her level.

Once you cross the line, it's done. No going back.

Considering her history, I wouldn't do it. If you really want to experience new, then wait a couple of years, divorce her, and upgrade to someone younger and hotter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I completely disagree, quit being codependent, you cant be afraid to put your marriage to the test, if she can withstand the fact you were with and truly enjoyed 2 and 3 other women and she stuck to you through it all and stayed commited, you get your self esteem back and it will be easier for you to make a qualified decision is if she's worth it. Let me tell you something buddy, you dont want to be in your death bed with a gal who truly resents you and feels stuck and you know she's shared things special with others and you missed out on the opportunity. Your your own man, dont be controlled by your feelings nor her feelings, exercise free will and as much as marriage is beutiful it requires balance and parity and you need to shape your subconcious mental state with a level of indifference, if this is a possible solution to move forward and test her commitment to you, do it. DOnt let her select the gal, you do it.


:scratchhead::wtf::slap:


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Seems everyone here is thinking clearer than I am. I'm seeing a commonality with all the responces and I know everyone is right. I even feel bad that I am having thoughts like this. That should have been my first clue.
> 
> So how do I stop? When the waves of hurt roll over me, and I think about that something special she gave away and her words of how she enjoyed it cause it was diffrent. How do I stop from going to that dark place that makes me wonder, what would it be like? Am I missing out by only being with one woman my whole life?
> I don't know how much longer I can ride this rollercoaster of pain.


The most important thing you said, are you missing out on something, being with another woman? does your wife really do it for you? rocks your world, screws your brains out and can make love also (knowing the diff) if so, then a big HELL NO!


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

To me it sounds like you and your wife are now into a "friends with benefits" relationship. Doesn't sound like a marriage.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

I remember the show "thirty something" eons ago one of the characters had an affair and said
"its like an abyss I can never cross" don't do it. She is trying to a get out of jail free card.
instead decide what you want a R or D? those are the paths you have ahead and she will have to own what she did
for an R a long hard road lies ahead there. but doing what she is suggesting after the thrill is gone will leave you
hollow inside and full of regret and its a trainwreck upon trainwreck. " here Adam the serpent said this fruit is good and will open our eyes"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What have been the consequences to her betrayal? Do you think she would have cheated on you and put your health at risk for STD's if she knew that you would have immediately divorced her? I have a hunch that she knew deep down that she could screw another man and you would still forgive her so she had nothing to lose. Am I wrong?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

michzz said:


> It's all about her guilt and continued interest in other men.
> 
> She's not caring about you at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Right. She no longer cares about him. She is looking for an open marriage and to continue pursuing other men. 

I find the curious excuse to be even more abhorent than the EA that turned into a PA. The curious excuse is just so selfish and hateful. Cold and calculating. It is premeditated. "Gee I do not value you and I suspect I could do much better than you so I am going to go bang someone else because I can and you will forgive me no matter the lame excuse." Perhaps she has been having sex with others right along.

This just strikes me as worse than most. She is just saying that while she emjoys sex with you she enjoys having "some strange". This will not end well ...


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Bryanp - What can been the consequences to her betrayal?

She's 100% transparent, she removed any member of the other sex from facebook and phone, she is 100% no contact (now that I got my questions and hers out of the way), she's doing IC, and MC, She's given up friends. What else is there?



Entropy3000 - She was curious about more than just sex. I've been the only one she has really dated. She went from living at home with parents to living with me. She went from me to kids. She's never been single, or out on her own to take care of herself. She's had never been with anyone other than me. She had depression cause she was unable to find a job, didn't go to school, and felt she never amounted to anything. She was curious if she would be able to take care of herself. She wanted 100% controll over herself, no one to answer to. No one to have to take care of but her. She felt trapped, smothered, controlled.

She thought I would be really angry about her sleeping with someone else and that I didn't care about her anyway, just cared about controlling her. When I wasn't angry but hurt it made her start second guessing everything she felt and thought.

She wanted an exit affair till the exit sign was in bright and right infront of her.

It seems to have changed now. Her actions and words reinforce that. She still has problems talking about things she is feeling but she is trying.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Wanabeelee, I don't think your thoughts and feelings are wrong. It is natural to wonder what another woman would be like to have sex with. Now that your wife has slept with another man it also puts a hit on your sexual ego. Are you somehow inferior to her now? Have you missed out on something?

I was a virgin when I met my wife. She had several partners before me. Yes, it bothered me. But at the same time the sex with her was outstanding. But there was a nagging feeling that somehow I was less of a man by only having slept with one woman. And how did I measure up to the other men, literally and figuratively? Though I voluntarily gave up knowing what it would be like to have sex with other women, there is a natural curiosity. Plus, does she know something because of her multiple partners which I don't, and thus I am in an inferior position in the relationship?

The advice you've been given seems very good to me, that you should not go have a get-even affair. You should not have a 3-some with your wife and another woman. I don't know what your wife's true motivations are for offering you the free pass, but the outcome would likely be very bad.

You should be angry at her for a number of reasons. One is that she has destroyed something very unique in your marriage which can never be reclaimed. I happen to think, if it works for a couple, being the only sexual partners for each other is a special bond. It isn't necessarily the ideal arrangement, but for those who have that bond it makes you a unique union and gives you a sense of being a cohesive team.

You can still have that feeling of being insulated from the rest of the world yourself, but not for your wife. That is where I am at, I feel uniquely bonded to my wife and I have a loyalty to our 'team' because there is no other woman. I have never revealed myself to another woman the way I have to my wife. Even after 29 years of marriage I do have curiosity about other women, but I am pleased to be with my wife and do not wish to damage my special bond to her.

I would encourage you and your wife to seek good marriage therapy. Take the attitude that your marriage will be worth saving if it can be transformed into a great marriage for both of you. But, if it cannot be made into something fulfilling for you, getting divorced will be your road to finding that great life which you deserve, including eventually finding the right woman.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

I'm gonna weigh in here with a train of thought that you may not have considered.

Your wife causes you the worst kind of pain with her betrayal.

She knows your hurting, and that hurts her. Causes her to remember the deed she did. 

She offers to allow you an affair, with the string that she be present.

She is trying to releave the pain for herself, by causing pain of another sort. 

She says it's okay, when really it's a test. She has NO IDEA what kind of pain she is asking for though. 

Think about it. 

What kind of pain have you endured through this? Would you wish it on her? She says it's okay, BUT, when it's done, it won't be.

You'll have stabbed her in her vulnerable heart, don't think for one minute she isn't suffering from what she did. 

Here honey, I hurt you, and have NO IDEA the pain it caused you, so, do it back so I will. 

Think what it would be like to be a fly on the wall of that affair, witnessing all the things they said, did, without regard to her vows to you, other than to ignore. How would you feel if you were there hands tied, mouth glued shut......

She is in her own pain already. Don't do it.

If you want to experience another woman that bad, especially when your hurting, get a legal seperation, or divorce. 

REMEMBER YOUR VOWS!


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Your gonna live with the fact that you havent tested the waters my friend, especially when your sixy and seventy,


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Your gonna live with the fact that you havent tested the waters my friend, especially when your sixy and seventy,


:wtf:

what's wrong with you? 

I'm fifty, have only been with my husband DESPITE what has happened, and AM FINE living with it!

It's called self respect, dignity, and keeping my VOWS!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Simple and likely has little to do with guilt. For some sex is a sport and for others it's only 'love making'. Most people in western society have experienced sex as a sport in at least their younger days before marriage. She never did and she wants to. And she wants you to come along for the journey. It could be a wild ride that ends in positive exploration that you never experienced or train wreck. Tread carefully. It sounds as if this is not against your principles if i'm reading correctly.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Bryanp - What can been the consequences to her betrayal?
> 
> She's 100% transparent, she removed any member of the other sex from facebook and phone, she is 100% no contact (now that I got my questions and hers out of the way), she's doing IC, and MC, She's given up friends. What else is there?
> 
> ...


Sleeping around is a fairly recent phenomenon. People didn't used to even consider bedding/having multiple partners. The divorce rate has gone up to around fifty percent. The only thing variety has brought is immorality and disfunction. Many people don't see the point of marriage at all. This is not making things better.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Right. She no longer cares about him. She is looking for an open marriage and to continue pursuing other men.
> 
> ...


Exactly
:iagree:


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Sleeping around is a fairly recent phenomenon. People didn't used to even consider bedding/having multiple partners. The divorce rate has gone up to around fifty percent. The only thing variety has brought is immorality and disfunction. Many people don't see the point of marriage at all. This is not making things better.


What? Of course people slept around in the old days, but nobody talked about it nor were there paternity tests to prove the infidelity. Everybody just hid under the cloak of secrecy for fear of either public humiliation or, in some cultures, death by stoning.

People divorce because they no longer go to hell for doing so. People divorce because it's no longer legal to beat your wife with a stick that is no thicker than your thumb. Marriage used to be about a man 'owning' a woman as his possession. Marriage used to be a contract for financial gain.

Marriage "under God" was not beautiful. Man perverted it.

Immorality of today? Who are you trying to kid?

But I digress...


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

To give you another perspective, it could be that your wife really does want to explore other partners. Perhaps she's bi-curious. Who knows what her motives are. 

Ask her and then ask her again and again.

It looks like you're curious too. What's causing that curiosity? Is it the revenge or have you actually wondered about it before and now just have the permission that you needed to carry through with it? (I suspect this is probably true, despite your statements to the contrary; I don't know of any man that doesn't wonder what it's like on the other side, good and bad men included; no shame in that.)

I agree with the one poster that said that this could go either way; it could either be a healthy process of mutual exploration or it could be a train wreck. 

What if one of wants more and the other doesn't; then what? How do you go back? You can't because stopping means that one person has to give something up and they might not want to. End of marriage after lots of lying, crying and acceptance.

You can't just try to convince yourself that you are okay with it, you have to know in your heart and soul that you can deal with it. And your W needs to as well. If you both can't say that honestly, in writing, then this is not for you.

And making this kind of decision if you are feeling betrayed by your W is just bad mojo. If she truly wants this and you're hurt by it, ask her if she can wait a while (6-12 months) as you sort out your own feelings on the matter. 

If she's still bringing it up, coyly or playfully, at the end of that period then it's likely that she's interested in more than just easing her own guilt by allowing you to do it too and is looking for a way to make that work within the framework of your marriage. Then you have another decision to make. Can you handle it?

Disclaimer: I have never had multiple sexual partners while in a relationship. I haven't seen the other side of the hurt that could ensue from both partners making this choice. I'm a wayward.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Dude, i've seen this story over and over again, the marriage must be rebuilt. But that does not mean u cant put it to the test. Secondly, she's fullfilled her curiosity, you now have a right to fill yours. As long as you have control of your feelings(which is what people severly lack on this board) and that you can turn a switch and control how u feel instead of letting your feelings control you, go for it. Look brother, 10 years from now if the marriage breaks down, your older and cant find a girl and she's had her fun. She has no control of her feelings and she let her feelings overcome her commitments to you. You guys will have to recommit, but first commit to yourself. If she's ready to break a bond today, what happens when you get sick? immobilized? incapacitated? vulnerable? A man i know gave his all to his marriage, and the lady cheated. Next thing they reconciled he got cancer, she felt he was a burden, wasn't worth a cup of water for him and she had another affair while he was dying. THis was his one and only, this could very well happen, dont put anything past anyone cause when feelings and emotions take over , they will drop you. From the sounds of it today, she has no genuine feelings for you. We are all for ourselves, god brought us into this world alone and we leave this world alone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tough call If I was going for a revenge f*** I would do it on the side and then tell her about it like she did to you.

but her asking to be in the same room seems like mybe she is sugesting an open relationship.

and her responce about it being good just different . but your much better seems odd also. if she was remorsfull she would have lied and said it was horrible and i didn't even orgasm .

I know all the responces indicate not to do it .but it would be difficult at least for me not to. although there is wisdom in their responces and it very may well be the bebinning of the end for your marriage if you do. In my mind if someone cheated on me that would be the end so I guess I'd go out with a bang.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Your wife trashed a social bond you shared with only on another up to her cheating. She showed just his much she didn't care or value it. Now she is thinking if she can get you to throwaway your half of that unique bond, that she isn't as awful as she is.
> 
> Some call it guilt. I think it's not guilt, but instead trying to get you to drop down to her level.
> 
> ...


I agree. By the way, how is her talking about the other Guy supposed to make you feel better? Seems really disrespectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Brother, why does she want to watch and choose the girl?? SHe should have no part other than the fact accepting it and sticking with her man through it. Its a real test to her commitment, its not a revenge affair, its you seeing whats out there and experiencing something more , unique and different, bringing parity and balance in the perspective. Just like she shared the sex and love she gave to her lover you do the same and its something unique u experience for yourself. And if she sticks around and is commited after the fact when its all said and done , well, now she's yours. its that simple my friend. She broke the commitment, you will look back later on at this wasted opportunity and time is not on our side. Face the reality put everything else aside.


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## speakingforsomemen (Dec 12, 2011)

Yes, as everyone advises, continue on with your boring life, there are so many wonderful things ahead of you in the future, growin old, bored, bored til your blind, don't enjoy yourself or experience anything. Why? You might like it. For goodness sakes, she wants to watch!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There is simply no way that just having sex with another woman would even the score because the EA component would be missing. She didn't just fvck the OM, she also developed romantic feelings for him (she wanted to know why she was not worthy to be anything more than his fvck buddy).

The only way she can even experience something even close to what you experienced would be if you were to leave her for another woman or just simply leave her.

Do you seriously believe she's just going to sit quietly on the sides while you and another woman bring yourselves orgasm and not break down in tears? Yeah right! But if you insist on getting some strange, tell her to stay home with the kids, because you don't want her present to ruin your fun. That should go off like a lead balloon. So call off her empty, worthless offer.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wannabe: what do you want? What do you TRULY want?

Do you want some strange? Or do you want to continue your marriage without boffing other women?

You asked why she offered this to you--my best guess is to relieve some of her guilt. She figures that if you do it, she'll be in the clear, or rather, the score will be even. But even if you do go ahead with it (In front of her, as she suggested), it won't be the same because she went behind your back and did it. The only way it would "even" things is it you did it and did not tell her until afterwards. The only way you'd make things "equal" is by hiding it from her and THEN letting her know. 

As such, and only then, the betrayal would be "even."


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Why is my wife pushing me in that direction? (going as far as to ask a few women if they would be interested)


What she did was for her, by her, with her picking the who, when and where. She was in complete control and it was done with her not caring about you. What she is proposing for you is not the same. She is still in control. Tell her no, but that if you were ever to decide to do it, she would have no say in it just like you had not say it it for her.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

The fact you (or her) can even consider something like this is wrong. You are heading down regret road and nothing good awaits you. If she is the one pushing this, you need to leave her. She is no good for you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

take it from someone who very nearly went down this road- "swinging" much more risk vs reward

not to mention it is a ton of work that isn't worth it either


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Sleeping around is a fairly recent phenomenon. People didn't used to even consider bedding/having multiple partners. The divorce rate has gone up to around fifty percent.


History is rife with infidelity and people having multiple partners. In fact, having multiple partners was common in many of civilization's dominant cultures. It's nothing new, and it has nothing to do with the divorce rate.
The divorce rate is up largely because a) people, especially women, have economic opportunities not available even 40 years ago and 2) there's very little, if any, social stigma to divorce these days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> History is rife with infidelity and people having multiple partners. In fact, having multiple partners was common in many of civilization's dominant cultures. It's nothing new, and it has nothing to do with the divorce rate.
> The divorce rate is up largely because a) people, especially women, have economic opportunities not available even 40 years ago and 2) there's very little, if any, social stigma to divorce these days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And if I may add, because it was extremely important to keep an impeccable image in society - despite evidence to the contrary. There was an aversion to air people's dirty laundry. All in all, a facade of the reality that existed inside people's homes.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Madwoman - I see what your talking about. She see's the pain and I know it reminds her that she was willing to give us, and the kids up to see what it would be like, if she was missing out on something, and would another guy want her. She will be happy - go lucky one min and then see something in my face or eyes and just break down into tears. She ask often will I ever look at her the same as I did before her affair.

Jayman - I never even gave serious thought to testing the waters before the affair, and if I can get through this I dont see why it would come back to haunt me in the future. I did have a nightmare about it last night though.

TCx - _It looks like you're curious too. What's causing that curiosity? Is it the revenge or have you actually wondered about it before and now just have the permission that you needed to carry through with it? (I suspect this is probably true, despite your statements to the contrary; I don't know of any man that doesn't wonder what it's like on the other side, good and bad men included; no shame in that.)
_ I've looked at other women, and even said to my self I would do that twice on sunday, but I've never given any serious thought to being with another woman till she told me it was diffrent and that made it good.

Chillymorn - I know she is not looking for an open relationship. As far as her not being remorsful because she told me the truth.. I respect the truth more than a lie to make me feel better.

Inmygut - She never talks about him or the sex unless I ask. I cant help but asking questions. I know its my self esteam is shattered by the affair. She tells me the truth because I asked her to.

Jellybeans - I know what I TRULY want can never be. I want for things to have turned out diffrent. I want that she stopped it before there was any sex. I want that she would have picked us over knowing what it would be like. I want that special bond of the soul that I thought we had before the affiar. 

*Update:*

We talked for a good two hours lastnight mainly about this subject. She let me know that she was feeling pressured because when she told me the truth about the sex being good because it was diffrent she saw the pain in my eyes. That when I started questioning the diffrent she could tell I was curious before I even said that I now wandered myself. 
She offered to find someone because she knew I would never step out like she did, and was afraid that it would eat at me till I could not take it and D her. 
The reason she said she would want to watch is I made some statement about going off even with her blessing would still be cheating and where if we was doing it together it would not. She said she REALLY didn't want to do it together but thought if she watched it would be about the same. She asked if she could be in another room or if I could without her there at all. 
The reason she wanted to pick the girl was because she knew I might just settle for anything (ie escort or not as fit / goodlooking) and she felt because she went with someone younger and good looking that she wanted to make sure she found someone young and much more attractive than herself. 
(some of the things she said hurt a little - like her viewing herself as not sexy)
I asked about her feelings about me being with another woman and she told me that she thinks it would hurt her but that she understood my curiosity and had no right or even an obligation to me for what she did. ( her saying she had no right to be hurt by me having sex with another woman hurt too)
Her fear is that the other woman would be so much better at sex than her that I would leave her anyway or get EA'ish about it.

The other thing we talked about was things she's been working on in EMDR, IC, and her writing. As of now the best she understands why it happened was this: (she still says she dont know how she even allowed herself to think this way, much less did what she did)

She felt trapped because she was unable to find a job, had never had as high a paying job as me, and everything we had was in my name or I brought into the marriage. That she had no family to fall back on anywhere near where we lived and no where she could go.

She felt the curiosity about sex because she had only been with me from the age of 15 and had thought about what it might be like.

She had curiosity about being able to support herself, Could she take care of herself, what it would be like to only have to take care of herself instead of me and the kids, what it would be like to only have to clean up after herself.

She was very depressed about what she had made of herself in this life, how she looked, gray hairs, and just getting older.

She felt like a bad mother because our kids 12 and 6 argueed all summer and respect me more than her.

She felt like a bad wife because she could not keep a strait house, help with bills, cook my fav meals, and we got into arguements about time.

She felt angry at me because I did not like her spending all day at another mans house, and that I could not trust her to do so. That I could not understand that when the kids was there playing with his kids and she was taking care of the baby that she felt like she was worth something and the kids was out of her hair.
She was also angry about me checking up on her using her Iphone when she went to the store that morning by herself and was almost an hour later than was expected, that I could not understand that she just needed some time to herself.

When he wanted pictures of her she felt like he saw her for who and how she is, and that she felt I only saw the 15 year old girl. It made her feel good about herself that someone like him wanted someone like her.

The big part was she says she thinks she knows why she was thinking there was a relationship with him. Why she thought he wanted one and why she thought she wanted one. It was because she had a hard time seperating sex from love. The only sex she has ever known till him was filled with love, even when kinky. She wrote alot on this in her notebook but I have not read it yet. She only touched on it, and said that she wanted to do some more EMDR on it and try to understand it better herself.

I know it was long. And I dont blame the ones who cant make it thought it, but want to thank everyone for the advice. I feel bad sometimes sharing some of my wifes thoughts, but I need a sounding board for my own peace of mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You wrote her accounts:

_"She felt trapped 
She felt the curiosity
She has curiosity
She was very depressed 
She felt like a bad mother 
She felt like a bad wife
She felt angry at me 
She was also angry about me checking up on her"_

Excuses.

All of them.

Oh and her telling you she is worried you would find sex with another person better and fall into an EA/PA is laughable. Considering she did it herself. 

She is still wanting to run the show. Telling you she wants to watch you, that she prefers to pick out someone, that she wants to be in charge... is SO fvcking stupid.

I hope you can see that.

You answered my question but not really about my question.. when I asked what you wanted... 

I meant... what do you want in respect to her request/idea. Do you want to have sex with someone in front of her? Do you want to be with your wife? 

What do YOU want.

Cause right now it's all about what SHE wants, how, where, with who and why...... what about you, dude. WTF do you want??? 

You can't have the past back, the relationship before her cheating. So scratch that off your list. 

What do you want?


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You wrote her accounts:
> 
> _"She felt trapped
> She felt the curiosity
> ...


I want to know other women find me attractive. I want to know I'm good at making love. I want the thoughts of what we had to stop barging into my mind every F'ing min of the day. I want to be respected and loved by the ones I love and respect. I want truth and communication. I want to know if diffrent makes a diffrence.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are still not answering my questions (though all those things you feel--totally normal):

What do you WANT to do with regards to her request that you fvck someone in front of her, someone that she chooses, in order to "even" the score?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Wanabeelee said:


> I want to know other women find me attractive. I want to know I'm good at making love. I want the thoughts of what we had to stop barging into my mind every F'ing min of the day. I want to be respected and loved by the ones I love and respect. I want truth and communication. I want to know if diffrent makes a diffrence.



Divorce your wife or stop scratching that itch. Your not helping yourself by considering going with another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You are still not answering my questions (though all those things you feel--totally normal):
> 
> What do you WANT to do with regards to her request that you fvck someone in front of her, someone that she chooses, in order to "even" the score?


I dont really know. Some times its a hell ya, and others its I dont want to give up the last bit of that something special we had. The women she's asking me about are all 9's or 10's and I find that I'm attracted to their looks, but at the same time I feel looks are not all there is. I dont want to have guilt and regreat for giving up that last bit, but I do want to know what is so damned great that diffrent makes it good.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Very simple...she's discovered fvcking. for most women (and guys) this happens in high school or college when they are single and playing the field. It involves the feeling that guys really want her and find her sexy. And there's a game to it all. There's power with who she chooses to have sex with. She never 'discovered' fvcking and now she is caught up in it. It's a positive thing that she wants to include you in this 'discovery' and exploration rather than leave you behind....but be careful as this is fraught with land mines.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I dont want to have guilt and regreat for giving up that last bit, but I do want to know what is so damned great that diffrent makes it good.


You already know what it is... it's different. How long have you been having the same sex together? How many new fantasies have you acted out lately?

What other explanation do you need? She was unhappy and she wanted to step outside of the life that that she was unhappy in. She did.

Forgiveness and faithfulness is your choice. Working on the marriage is a choice that both of you need to make. Finding out what both of you want from the marriage is something you need to start talking about.

Note: The only different between an 'excuse' and a 'reason' is how you choose to view it. If you're angry, you'll see 'excuses'.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Damn man WTF are you doing...I'm reading your story from begining and hoping for days for you to already man up and take control of your life...

You make so much excuses for her cheating and the most ridiculous is that she was curious...Really !? For her, curiosity is worth destroying her family and after all she has done you are letting her to manipulate you and consider to fall low as she,to lose your moral compas to become and do something that is not you at all.. And for what ? so that she can relieve her guilt and say that you are no better then her...

Please dont become a person like her,be a bigger person then she is and if you cant live with what she has done to you (you will never forget her cheating) divorce her and start a new life with another woman that will respect you...

Please dont let her turn you in the person like she is...be the good example to your children and show them what a good man their father is...

Good Luck...


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

michzz said:


> It's all about her guilt and continued interest in other men.
> 
> She's not caring about you at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. She wants to be able to say that Wanna got to get some strange himself. 


Or she is still cheating and this will be her way to justify it. Could be pushing for an "open" marriage.

And yet another reason why the OM shouldn't bear the brunt of his anger. His wife was with, as far as I can tell with this thread, 2 different men. So what is the common denominator here?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> She felt the curiosity about sex because she had only been with me from the age of 15 and had thought about what it might be like.


And now that curiosity is COMPLETELY gone??




> She felt angry at me because I did not like her spending all day at another mans house, and that I could not trust her to do so.


Uh, what? Why was she at another man's house all day in the first place?




> She was also angry about me checking up on her using her Iphone when she went to the store that morning by herself and was almost an hour later than was expected, that I could not understand that she just needed some time to herself.


Only one problem with her misplaced anger here....when she had time to herself, she cheated.




> When he wanted pictures of her she felt like he saw her for who and how she is, and that she felt I only saw the 15 year old girl. It made her feel good about herself that someone like him wanted someone like her.


And it will make her feel good the next time another man shows her attention.




> The big part was she says she thinks she knows why she was thinking there was a relationship with him. Why she thought he wanted one and why she thought she wanted one. It was because she had a hard time seperating sex from love.


So if she truly thought it was love, then she would have stayed with him then?

So it was just sex. What if she did think she loved him? And what if this guy did want a relationship with her? Seems to me the only thing having her break it off was that it just happened to be about sex for the OM. But then again, wasn't it more than one man? You said she kissed "another guy" and had sex with "another guy".

If so, it kind of puts a dent in her theory. Otherwise there wouldn't have been more than one guy if she was thinking it was feelings of love that made her cheat.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh and her telling you she is worried you would find sex with another person better and fall into an EA/PA is laughable. Considering she did it herself.
> 
> She is still wanting to run the show. *Telling you she wants to watch you, that she prefers to pick out someone*, that she wants to be in charge... is SO fvcking stupid.


I never even thought about that.

Wanna, don't go down this road first off.

Second, if you DID go down this road, then she doesn't get to watch you do it, much less get to pick the person. You didn't get to pick who she had sex with, why should she?

But don't do it. Don't drag yourself down to her level.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The more I read about what she says and her other actions, the more I think the affair was more involved than a one time experimentation or a simple couple of hookups to satisfy her curiosity.

It seems like a deeper affair. And was it 2 other men or just one OM?

So I think her motivations are a lot different than wanting to reduce her guilt by letting him get even. And it isn't as simple as giving him the gift of letting him satisfy his curiosity.

I don't think she is looking at this as a (misguided) attempt to heal the marriage in order to rebuild it back to a monogamous healthy loving relationship. I think she is looking for the freedom to keep going outside for sex.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> I guess what has me thinking about it the most is some of the things she told me. Like, "your better but he was just diffrent" and "I really liked the way it felt when I was on top" and "he smelled, kissed, moved, felt, and talked diffrent, It was nice, I enjoyed it, but I enjoy you more"
> 
> I've always thought sex with my wife was great. She squirts multi times most times we have sex/make love. She always ensures I'm happy. She likes to try new things. (little closet freak)
> 
> ...


If my wife treated me like that, I wouldn't be looking for revenge sex. I would be looking forward to the "different" sex I will be having once the divorce is final.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> *There is simply no way that just having sex with another woman would even the score because the EA component would be missing. She didn't just fvck the OM, she also developed romantic feelings for him (she wanted to know why she was not worthy to be anything more than his fvck buddy).*
> 
> The only way she can even experience something even close to what you experienced would be if you were to leave her for another woman or just simply leave her.
> 
> Do you seriously believe she's just going to sit quietly on the sides while you and another woman bring yourselves orgasm and not break down in tears? Yeah right! But if you insist on getting some strange, tell her to stay home with the kids, because you don't want her present to ruin your fun. That should go off like a lead balloon. So call off her empty, worthless offer.


This is what I thought about with my guy. He already had his EA partner, ergo, he was further down the curve than me. I was finding that when men approached me and I told them that I had a bf, that they would immediately lose interest in me. IOW, my guy had already found someone who didn't mind or maybe even preferred that he had a partner. It would have been very difficult for me to do a revenge EA without hurting someone else.

And sometimes I did wonder if the fact that his EA partner already had a bf, if that meant that she was "of higher value."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I read she, she,she,she,she,she.

Honestly at the end, I was thinking, dude divorce her and get some strange.

You know me, I'm a no bs, pro marriage guy. Her self discovery seems to do nothing but discover and validate her selfishness. All excuses for why it was ok for her to choose to stab you in the back.

Btw, why was she spending the day at another guys place? And why is she so naive as not to see how it did end up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> And now that curiosity is COMPLETELY gone??
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She was at the other man's house to let our kids play and help him take care of his and his wife baby. Nothing went on with this guy as my little girl don't leave my wife's side when they are around one another. 

She says she don't think about it any more.

She kissed another guy 17 years ago while we was dating. Well we had broken up for three days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Thor said:


> The more I read about what she says and her other actions, the more I think the affair was more involved than a one time experimentation or a simple couple of hookups to satisfy her curiosity.
> 
> It seems like a deeper affair. And was it 2 other men or just one OM?
> 
> ...


She don't want to go outside the relationship for sex anymore. She's worried that I will want to end it to go try some strange. She had a crush on the guy she sleep with from when they used to work together. She passed a Polly about it happening only once. She admits that the "reasons" she has given for doing what she did was excuses she told herself to allow her to do what she wanted. The more she sees this the more she has guilt. The Polly showed her some things that she was trying to convince herself of was wrong. 

At the moment, yet subject to change with more emdr, she wanted to do it because she thought she was missing out on something. She wanted to do it from the first time he asked for nude pics, but she was too self conscious thinking he would see them and think her unattractive. A few days later when he asked again she told herself what she needed to here to be able to go through with it. She liked the fact that someone liked him would want someone like her. Him being 10 years younger, in shape, and she had only ever seen him with model types. 

Not making excuses for her. What she did was wrong. She wanted her cake, my cake, and eat them both. She is really hard on herself, and does anything I ask of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I can't understand how your wife could even stand the thought of it, leave a lone encourage it.


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## LawDog (Dec 24, 2011)

Your curiosity is understandable but don't do it. It's Pandora's Box....once opened, you won't be able to close it easily.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

I don't know if I see it as a test for me or for her, or if it's something I want to know was worth everything she was willing to give away to get. I've thought that "I would do that chic twice on Sunday" and crap like that, but I've never thought "I would cheat on my wife with her". I've been in the situation more than one in the past 18 years where I could have, and the ow was pissed I wouldn't. I just worked harder at not being in that type of situation. I have never kissed another woman for that matter. So maybe it's just I have a get out of jail free card now, and I want to know what was so fing great about it, that it was worth her risking everything, giving away something special we had, and fing him without a condom. Maybe it just would be a revenge affair.

Dexter- She may be looking for the girl to join us, but she asks for my approval. Things like, "is she sexy enough, young enough, do you like her tits/ass, you like her personality. ". All that type stuff. She seems a bit more picky than I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> She was at the other man's house to let our kids play and help him take care of his and his wife baby. Nothing went on with this guy as my little girl don't leave my wife's side when they are around one another.
> 
> She says she don't think about it any more.
> 
> ...


I stand correct still, she cheated with 2 different men per your admission



> When broken up for 3 days when dating she kissed another guy.
> When married to me for 15 years on the 23rd of July she had sex with another guy.


So again, her theory that she thought it was love that made her cheat is a load of bunk. Because she cheated more than once and with different guys.

She must fall in love way too easy. Don't buy her bulls***


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## chris.f1294 (Jan 3, 2012)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I stand correct still, she cheated with 2 different men per your admission
> 
> This whole thread by Wannabee is a troll.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your intrested in different because it is different.......and she opened the door. 

Evening up the score is a bad idea; in one circumstance she may desire an "Open Marriage" now that she tasted an other......and getting you a taste would get the ball rolling in that direction. 

The other is that you lose the moral high ground........their is something to being the one that maintain fidelity. 

If you want something different, get her a wig, a dress she wountn't usally wear, come up with a charactor/roll for both of you, call her Natasha, and pick her up at a hotel bar and have your way with Natasha in a hotel room.........role play, does wonders.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Dexter- She may be looking for the girl to join us said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


Wow the details, and she wants to be in the room......I think she is intrested in joining you and the "new" friend.......a really open marriage.


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## akira1 (Dec 13, 2011)

She's offering this indecent proposal to lower your boundaries and standards. Trouble is, these offers never evens up the score. People's feelings get hurt - I only wish your wife could see that.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

chris.f1294 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_





> This whole thread by Wannabee is a troll.


For the record, I did not say this. chris.f1294 just didn't know how to quote it correctly.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> Wow the details, and she wants to be in the room......I think she is intrested in joining you and the "new" friend.......a really open marriage.


And for the record again, due to incorrect quoting, I did not say the following:



> Originally Posted by Dexter- She may be looking for the girl to join us, but she asks for my approval. Things like, "is she sexy enough, young enough, do you like her tits/ass, you like her personality. ". All that type stuff. She seems a bit more picky than I am.


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## ducksauce (Nov 24, 2011)

She slept with another man and now she's allowing you to do your bidding but under conditions? eff that, just tell her you'll take up on her offer but she has can't be there.. she what she says.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ducksauce said:


> She slept with another man and now she's allowing you to do your bidding but under conditions? eff that, just tell her you'll take up on her offer but she has can't be there.. she what she says.


Yes, I'd like to know her response to this as well.

He wasn't afforded the choice of being there when she spread em for other guys, why should she fee she is entitled to be there?

OP, I wouldn't bother with this girl any longer. Get rid of this hussbag.


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