# Men, I lost him....within 2 weeks.



## lovelygirl

Up until 9 days ago..I was dating a man ..who I'd consider the best I've dated so far(for the way he made me feel)...although it only lasted for 2 weeks. :|
Before I reveal the details...It might be that I'm over-thinking or that I'm considering him to be way better than he might actually be. That's how infatuation makes me think.

I'm 30, he was 40 - with a 6-y.o month daughter from his past relationship. Contacted me first on Instagram, insisted on us to meet..and after 4 days of chatting.... I decided to meet him, given the common friends we had. 
Instant attraction from both of us when we first met, looks and personality wise. We used to hold meaningful conversations and seemed to understand each other on different levels and shared similar principles. 
He seemed to be a real man, a gentleman, dressed up, paid compliments and seemed to mean them. In addition, he had a good sense of chivalry (would pay for ALL the dinners/lunches/coffees we've had - despite me making the effort to pay in some of our dates, would open doors for me, the car as well, would hold the chair for me, would kiss my hands..my forehead...and little pecks on my lips) but at the same time he held A VERY FIRM attitude in general, a strong personality... , his voice, the way he walked, the way he stayed, his body language, his sight, .... very determined about things in his life and his career, very firm with friends and colleagues..and with me ..many times. 
It felt like he had ALPHA and beta at the same time..which made me feel very attracted to him.

During 2 weeks of dating (after meeting in person), we went out on 4 dates and for the rest of the time..we'd chat on whatsapp. We'd wish each other good night/morning...and little chats throughout the day to ask how we were doing. Texts were short and straight to the point and romantic as well. 

In one of our conversations he revealed that he has trust issues and cuts people out of his life at their first mistakes, especially when they are disrespectful to him. 

Last weekend (Oct. 29) he had a problem with his generator at home (Saturday and Sunday). He had stayed home all Sat. with no electricity...complaining that a whole Saturday had been stolen away from him. So, I thought I'd invite him for a coffee to change air and make him leave the dark house for a while. He said he couldn't leave as he was unwashed, had un-ironed clothes and needed to work on the generator issue, needed to clean the house and the fridge..and throw food away..etc.
I thought this was a bit of over-reaction and while joking in our conversation, I added: 
"_you're acting worse than a woman..., move your butt, grab random clothes and come have coffee with me. Now. _" 
He: "_Which of the home errands you didn't read :grin2:_. Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty" 
Me: "I read them all and I don't care. Move." 
He: "You want me to come with unwashed body, face and teeth and un-ironed clothes?"
Me: "Use a bowl to wash face and teeth ...and body. Don't act as if you haven't washed yourself in a month. lol. Don't make me teach you now lol. 
Me: No, lady. I'm not going anywhere because I don't feel like going out with a messy look, without a proper shower and un-ironed. As much as I'd wish to be with you now, I can't leave things like this at home either." 
Me: Alright. I don't want to force you on anything...just thinking you'd change air. But I understand if you want to go ahead and fix the issue  Hope it resolves as soon as possible. "

Sunday:
He: I'll have dinner and ...why not enjoy a hug...or a coffee with you...or both  
Me: Depending on the time. Let me know the exact time please so that I can arrange my plans. 
[_I could've said "NO" but didn't want to play the game of "revenge" here_]

After 4 hours of no response, he sent me the picture of his burnt generator, followed by words "Took fire". 
I read it ..and replied...with indifference.. "Bad luck." and didn't add anything more.
After 2 hours, at 11 pm ... I add:
Me:"Goodnight".
He: Ditto.
Me: Too lazy to wish a simple goodnight?
He: Too lazy to ask if I was doing okay? Goodnight.
Me: You always expect me to be the one who cares.

*****
Then he simply blocks me from everything, from social media....and even from his phone.

To be honest, I got mad and that's why I didn't add anything after the picture of his generator, because Isimply thought it was over-reaction from his part. Not wanting to find the time to leave the house for only 1 hour in 48 hours, to meet me?? I'm not trying to act like a spoiled, attention wh*re here..., but If I were him, I'd leave the house messy and run to meet him. Especially, if he had told me he didn't care how messy I'd look..he just wanted to see me. That was the message I was trying to deliver. 

I've been feeling very very low, and crying..and depressed because he seemed to be someone different...and I guess I've lost him. I think of ways I could do better ...but we all make mistakes. Is it enough to shut the relation down ...so fast...if you care about the other person??

There's a bit more to the story (which I'll add later, to not make this post super long). I'm just letting you know that he hasn't contacted me ever-since ...even after I sent him a written letter 6 days ago.

To be continued..but I want to know your thoughts up to now.
Did I over-react? Could I have done it better? Could HE have done it better?


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## Ynot

Good riddance? You dodged a bullet there. Sounds like a control freak who wasn't in control and couldn't handle it.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

I would have invited you out to give me a sponge bath! Crap happens, & he should have been able to separate the bad day he was having from you. I fully understand needing to stay home & get things running again, but I would not have blocked you.


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## Herschel

His act fell through. He probably had other plans and that generator wasn’t even his, just one he found on the internet. People who come out as so gentlemanly and chivalrous are hiding stuff. They are trying to sweep you off your feet.


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## EleGirl

Herschel said:


> His act fell through. He probably had other plans and that generator wasn’t even his, just one he found on the internet. People who come out as so gentlemanly and chivalrous are hiding stuff. They are trying to sweep you off your feet.


This is what I was thinking too as I read the OP. 

@lovelygirl, he's not what you think he is. It was all a show. His reaction in the last two days shows you that.


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## toblerone

Kissing hands and a fixation on 'un-ironed clothes'

This is all sorts of goofy to me.

Anyway, if the dude cuts people out at one mistake, he's got some issues and I wouldn't be too broken up about it.


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## EleGirl

toblerone said:


> Kissing hands and a fixation on 'un-ironed clothes'
> 
> This is all sorts of goofy to me.
> 
> Anyway, if the dude cuts people out at one mistake, he's got some issues and I wouldn't be too broken up about it.


I wonder if he's that harsh on himself when he makes a mistake. Clearly he makes them based on the OP.


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## toblerone

Dearest Gertrude,

I regret to inform you that I shall not be able to have you accompany me to the ball next week. For you see, the maid absentmindedly knocked over a lantern, and half our estate burned down.

I am here, disheveled and I have not had a hot bath in quite some time.


Dearest Martin,

I do so ever hope you could still at least come visit me in the coming days? If it not be for the ball, would you provide your company to me at my house? The help can provide hot water and you can be bathed.


Dearest Gertrude,

I am sorry, but I have not been able to clean myself for days. I also have run out of pomade and there is a regional shortage of it in the area. I have sent the help to comb the countryside, knocking on every door for some pomade, but to no avail.

I must apologize once more, and say that I cannot visit you, either.


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## Adelais

You are not going to like my response. But I filled in my gut reactions as I re-read your post. Moderators, if my post is inappropriate, let me know, and I'll delete it.



lovelygirl said:


> "_you're acting worse than a woman..., move your butt, grab random clothes and come have coffee with me. Now. _"
> 
> Pretty bossy for someone who has only known someone for 2 weeks. Plus he is 40, mature, orderly, in control of his life, very capable of taking care of himself and making his own decisions, and probably doesn't like being spoken to in that (disrespectful) manner.
> 
> He: "_Which of the home errands you didn't read :grin2:_. Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty."
> 
> He told you what he needed to do. He is trying to get you to respect his needs. He has to get his generator fixed/replaced, house cleaned up, refrigerator cleaned out, etc. by MONDAY so he can to to work.
> 
> Me: "I read them all and I don't care. Move."
> 
> Wow. Is this the way you have talked to him since day 1 (14 days ago)?
> 
> He: "You want me to come with unwashed body, face and teeth and un-ironed clothes?"
> 
> He's telling you about his needs. You admired how clean, well dressed, etc. he is....and he really is that person! He doesn't want to leave his house a mess, or himself be a mess.
> 
> Me: "Use a bowl to wash face and teeth ...and body. Don't act as if you haven't washed yourself in a month. lol. Don't make me teach you now lol.
> 
> Again, WOW! He doesn't need you to "teach" him anything. He knows who he is, how he likes to feel (clean and put together.) You really disrespected him with that statementt.
> 
> Him: No, lady. I'm not going anywhere because I don't feel like going out with a messy look, without a proper shower and un-ironed. As much as I'd wish to be with you now, I can't leave things like this at home either."
> 
> He set a firm boundary here. He has been very clear the entire time of his needs...and you ignored them. I believe by this time, ("No, lady.") and from the tone of his text he is p*ssed by now.
> 
> Me: Alright. I don't want to force you on anything...just thinking you'd change air. But I understand if you want to go ahead and fix the issue  Hope it resolves as soon as possible. "
> 
> This statement is nice enough, but evidently insincere, because the following day you got even with him.
> 
> Sunday:
> He: I'll have dinner and ...why not enjoy a hug...or a coffee with you...or both
> 
> Me: Depending on the time. Let me know the exact time please so that I can arrange my plans.
> [_I could've said "NO" but didn't want to play the game of "revenge" here_]
> 
> You were so eager to see him yesterday on your terms. But after he has resolved his real life issues and can see you, you play games. You think that you didn't play games, but your statement is clearly passive aggressive, and you are playing unreasonably hard to get.
> 
> After 4 hours of no response, he sent me the picture of his burnt generator, followed by words "Took fire".
> 
> He's trying to get you to understand that he has a serious issue over the weekend, and needed to take care of it.
> 
> I read it ..and replied...with indifference.. "Bad luck." and didn't add anything more.
> 
> Why were you indifferent? More passive aggressive game playing? What you should have done on *Saturday*, if you cared about him, was offer to come over and help him get things done, but instead you wanted him to abandon all his responsibilities and play with you. Now you are throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum because he didn't toss all his responsibilities for you so you could get your way.
> 
> After 2 hours, at 11 pm ... I add:
> 
> Me:"Goodnight".
> 
> Why did you text him at 11 p.m.?? You should have just let him get some sleep!
> He: Ditto.
> Me: Too lazy to wish a simple goodnight?
> 
> What in the world??? This is totally out of line!
> 
> 
> He: Too lazy to ask if I was doing okay? Goodnight.
> 
> He has good reason to say this. You could care less how horribly his weekend went. He had a disaster of a weekend, and you didn't care. You just wanted him to come over, then when he didn't you began playing passive aggressive games.
> Me: You always expect me to be the one who cares.
> 
> After knowing him for a mere 2 weeks you say this???
> 
> If I were him, I would have done the exact thing he did: block, block, block. You sound like a bunny boiler.
> 
> 
> 
> *****
> Then he simply blocks me from everything, from social media....and even from his phone.
> 
> Did I over-react?
> 
> All your responses were bizarre.
> 
> Could I have done it better?
> 
> Learn to be empathetic.
> 
> Could HE have done it better?
> 
> He did the right thing by dumping you.


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## phillybeffandswiss

He admits he has issues of trust early in your dating and some say it is acting, it was fake and he is goofy? I guess....? I might be on board with them if this was over the span of two months or longer. Two weeks in and he says I can't handle A MISTAKE, not mistakes, I would have dipped out.


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## Stang197

Araucaria said:


> You are not going to like my response. But I filled in my gut reactions as I re-read your post. Moderators, if my post is inappropriate, let me know, and I'll delete it.
> 
> 
> 
> lovelygirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> "_you're acting worse than a woman..., move your butt, grab random clothes and come have coffee with me. Now. _"
> 
> Pretty bossy for someone who has only known someone for 2 weeks. Plus he is 40, mature, orderly, in control of his life, very capable of taking care of himself and making his own decisions, and probably doesn't like being spoken to in that (disrespectful) manner.
> 
> He: "_Which of the home errands you didn't read
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _. Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty."
> 
> He told you what he needed to do. He is trying to get you to respect his needs. He has to get his generator fixed/replaced, house cleaned up, refrigerator cleaned out, etc. by MONDAY so he can to to work.
> 
> Me: "I read them all and I don't care. Move."
> 
> Wow. Is this the way you have talked to him since day 1 (14 days ago)?
> 
> He: "You want me to come with unwashed body, face and teeth and un-ironed clothes?"
> 
> He's telling you about his needs. You admired how clean, well dressed, etc. he is....and he really is that person! He doesn't want to leave his house a mess, or himself be a mess.
> 
> Me: "Use a bowl to wash face and teeth ...and body. Don't act as if you haven't washed yourself in a month. lol. Don't make me teach you now lol.
> 
> Again, WOW! He doesn't need you to "teach" him anything. He knows who he is, how he likes to feel (clean and put together.) You really disrespected him with that statementt.
> 
> Him: No, lady. I'm not going anywhere because I don't feel like going out with a messy look, without a proper shower and un-ironed. As much as I'd wish to be with you now, I can't leave things like this at home either."
> 
> He set a firm boundary here. He has been very clear the entire time of his needs...and you ignored them. I believe by this time, ("No, lady.") and from the tone of his text he is p*ssed by now.
> 
> Me: Alright. I don't want to force you on anything...just thinking you'd change air. But I understand if you want to go ahead and fix the issue  Hope it resolves as soon as possible. "
> 
> This statement is nice enough, but evidently insincere, because the following day you got even with him.
> 
> Sunday:
> He: I'll have dinner and ...why not enjoy a hug...or a coffee with you...or both
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Me: Depending on the time. Let me know the exact time please so that I can arrange my plans.
> [_I could've said "NO" but didn't want to play the game of "revenge" here_]
> 
> You were so eager to see him yesterday on your terms. But after he has resolved his real life issues and can see you, you play games. You think that you didn't play games, but your statement is clearly passive aggressive, and you are playing unreasonably hard to get.
> 
> After 4 hours of no response, he sent me the picture of his burnt generator, followed by words "Took fire".
> 
> He's trying to get you to understand that he has a serious issue over the weekend, and needed to take care of it.
> 
> I read it ..and replied...with indifference.. "Bad luck." and didn't add anything more.
> 
> Why were you indifferent? More passive aggressive game playing? What you should have done on *Saturday*, if you cared about him, was offer to come over and help him get things done, but instead you wanted him to abandon all his responsibilities and play with you. Now you are throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum because he didn't toss all his responsibilities for you so you could get your way.
> 
> After 2 hours, at 11 pm ... I add:
> 
> Me:"Goodnight".
> 
> Why did you text him at 11 p.m.?? You should have just let him get some sleep!
> He: Ditto.
> Me: Too lazy to wish a simple goodnight?
> 
> What in the world??? This is totally out of line!
> 
> 
> He: Too lazy to ask if I was doing okay? Goodnight.
> 
> He has good reason to say this. You could care less how horribly his weekend went. He had a disaster of a weekend, and you didn't care. You just wanted him to come over, then when he didn't you began playing passive aggressive games.
> Me: You always expect me to be the one who cares.
> 
> After knowing him for a mere 2 weeks you say this???
> 
> If I were him, I would have done the exact thing he did: block, block, block. You sound like a bunny boiler.
> 
> 
> 
> *****
> Then he simply blocks me from everything, from social media....and even from his phone.
> 
> Did I over-react?
> 
> All your responses were bizarre.
> 
> Could I have done it better?
> 
> Learn to be empathetic.
> 
> Could HE have done it better?
> 
> He did the right thing by dumping you.
Click to expand...


I agree. This guy did the right thing in dumping you. At 40 he has probably had enough of controlling women and wants something less stressful. Good for him. 
I think you need to be less selfish and try to walk in someone else's shoes.


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## Don't Panic

I had a similar interpretation of the text exchange as @Araucaria, maybe men read it differently? 
My sense was that you didn't show concern for his situation...i.e. No offer to help, no inquiry as to how things had progressed with the generator and clean-up, etc. 
Even if your brief communication dynamic had been the playful forcefulness you exhibited, tempering with empathy would have been kind. 
That being said, his reaction of blocking (in response to the lack of empathy? who knows, since he's off the grid) seems harsh.


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## SunCMars

Sorry you were disappointed in a hopeful man.
....................................................................
All those nice things you said about him.

Handsome.
Well groomed. 
Overly polite
Gentlemanly.
Generous.

Were all erased in a power surge at his home.
When he goes home, he plugs himself in one of the outlets.
It freshens his appearance.
Tones his personality.
DeGausses the static that normally comes out of his pie hole. Makes him static free, clear headed.
.............................................................................................................

His generator went out because he did not put a hand-held Amp Meter on the thing. He pulled more amps that the thing was designed for. Cooking the generator.
...................................................................................................

He snapped your head off because he cannot handle one iota of stress.
He told you that he dumps women on their first 'mistake'. What a jerk. Good riddance.

You know what OCD is, right? 
Symptoms: 
They feel the need to check things repeatedly
They perform certain routines repeatedly,
They have certain thoughts repeatedly. 
If any of these things do not go as planned, they freak out.

And I would say he is on the spectrum, also.

I believe he went to some sort of "Charm School".
He knows how to handle himself very well until life sends him a curve ball.
Then he disintegrates.

Someone rubbed Alar on his Adams apple.
And polished him up.
But his insides are full of wiggly worms. 
Too bad.


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## SunCMars

Lady, he lost you, in two weeks.
A new record...........for him.


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## Cynthia

My responses were almost identical to @Araucaria's. I thought your comments came across as controlling and disrespectful. 

Demanding he come see you was weird. You don't know him well enough for him to know if you're joking or you're a dominatrix. 

It got worse as it went along. When I read you called him lazy, I gasped. Then when you said, "You always expect me to be the one who cares." I said aloud, "What on earth!" Your interaction with him was not good. If you really wanted to see him, you should have asked if you could go to his house and help him rather than calling him lazy and uncaring. You've known this man for two weeks, he had a crisis on his hands and your final response is to accuse him of not caring as much as you. Wow. I think that's rude. If he were a friend of mine, I would have recommend that he stop communicating with you.

You didn't lose him. You drove him away.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

This is the great part of TAM, multiple different thoughts, great for looking @ all angles!


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## Evinrude58

Just sounds like a miscommunication to me.

I could see she was trying be playful with her "commands" the come see her....

Yeah, she did start playing passive aggressive games and didn't seem t get it when he was in a bind. 

Knowing you for only two weeks, he wasn't about to come see you dirty and worried about fixing his situation. You didn't catch it l, even though he explained it pretty clearly.

BUT, if he was really interested and not a jerk,he would have listened and not blocked you. That's a sigh of a controlling ******* who doesn't care who they hurt. 

I think although you made some mistakes, he is the one who sounds like he has problems.
You should have seen a major red flag when he told you he ghosts people after a "mistake".
Something purposefully done, yeah. But mistake? You don't ghost oeoooe because of a mistake, if you're normal.

I say don't worry about it and move on. Don't give a man this much control over your emotions into l they've earned some trust. He hasn't in two weeks.....


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## Edmund

@Araucaria is spot on (and I am a man). You may be a "lovely girl" but you screwed this up bad. You don't understand that a burned-up generator is serious? I would have dumped you too.


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## happy as a clam

Gotta say, I completely agree with @Araucaria. Your replies sounded demanding and not at all respectful of the problems he was facing. And hardly the way to speak to someone after only 2 weeks -- you don't know home well enough for that level of "familiarity". 

If your comments were intended to be playful or funny, the intent didn't translate well across text. He clearly was irritated by them (and you) as evidenced by his blocking you.

Sorry it didn't work out. Dial it back a little next time. A softer touch and some empathy goes a long way towards building a fledgling relationship.


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## WilliamM

I see your conversation as playful. But then I am alpha enough to see any attempt at control as just a joke when it is anyone but me. 

As for ditto, yeah, that bugs both my wife and I. We mentioned that to each other back when the movie Ghost came out. "Ditto" is so disgusting it is like saying I can't stand you just go away. I suspect it sets you off.

And acting like electricity is some kind of necessity? That's just way too civilized, if you ask me. Ever go anywhere where you don't have electricity? I find it refreshing to do without it sometimes.


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## EleGirl

I too saw her "demands" as playful, flirting, letting him know what she's interested in seeing him.


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## frusdil

I think you were a little pushy OP, I'll be honest. He told you he couldn't, and he told you why, you should have left it at that. I also think he overreacted by blocking you - it's not like you blew his phone up with texts and calls, jeez.

Bottom line, he's not right for you...you can't mess it up with something as simple as this if it's the right guy. The right guy will forgive you one mistake (depending on what it is obviously).


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## Satya

I'm kind of tempted to say you can't lose what you don't have. It sounded like you were only at the very start of dating ad getting to know one another. 

If you both like to stir drama over text, it wasn't going to work anyway. Texting should be for logistics only, not for taking sarcastic digs at each other.

Now you know that this man has zero tolerance for drama (as evidenced by him blocking you).

He said he didn't want to come over for a reason. After the joking, when it's clear he was being serious, you should have just said "OK" and dropped it.

If he wants to reach out again, he will. Otherwise, learn and carry on from the experience.


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## Betrayedone

He is an over sensitive ninny.........not for you or anyone else he can't control. Good riddance.........


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## Yeswecan

For me, the entire exchange via texting loses the inflection of voice. In short, it is better to talk on the phone then beat the keys to death and possibly generating the wrong idea, reaction or thoughts. That is what occurred here. Pick up the phone and talk to the man.


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## marriageontherocks2

I didn't see any issue with her texts, I would've enjoyed them knowing she was into me and they came off as flirty and not demanding. The guy seems like a real *********, good riddance.


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## Laurentium

CynthiaDe said:


> It got worse as it went along. When I read you called him lazy, I gasped. Then when you said, "You always expect me to be the one who cares." I said aloud, "What on earth!"
> ...
> You've known this man for two weeks, he had a crisis on his hands and your final response is to accuse him of not caring as much as you. Wow.


Yeah, my reaction was pretty much the same as that. 

On the other hand, his "one strike and you're out" rule is no good either. Fault on both sides I think.

* * * *

Do you know the old story about the newly-married couple, on their way back from their wedding, in their horse and buggy?
The horse rears up, and the new husband berates it, and says "that's the FIRST time". 
Then in a while, it shies again, and the husband hits it with his stick, and says "that's the SECOND time". 
The third time it misbehaves, he shoots it dead. 

His new wife says "Oh, you shouldn't have done that!" He holds his finger up and replies, "that's the FIRST time!"


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## Yeswecan

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I didn't see any issue with her texts, I would've enjoyed them knowing she was into me and they came off as flirty and not demanding. The guy seems like a real *********, good riddance.


That is you. Not the man the OP is dating. Also, stating "get here NOW" is demanding IMO. The man's generator is fried(not cheap to replace). He feels out of sorts with working on correcting the issue now for 2 days from the looks of it. Perhaps it would have been better to call with some support in the voice as well as sympathy for the situation instead of asking to drop it all and come over for coffee. Coffee does not correct his current issue at hand. Giving a hand does. But that is just me.


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## GuyInColorado

Did you give him any sex? Did he want sex? Sure he isn't gay?

Does he live off the grid? Do you live in a 3rd world country?

Strange...


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## lovelygirl

Guys...I see you've misunderstood my "demands". 
I'm not an idiot to give orders to a 40 y.o man to come and see me. 
Just like @EleGirl stated and a few others, I was being *playful *and I was simply trying to let him know that I would want to see him ...even if he was un-ironed. BUT THEN, after he said he wouldn't go anywhere, I said "OK". 

Also, did you notice how his question was *followed by a smiling emoticon* when asking me what I didn't read from his statement? 


> He: "Which of the home errands you didn't read? :grin2: Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty"


Which means, HE ALREADY understood I was not being demanding. He found it funny that I was insisting that way...but in the end...he stated it clearly that he didn't want to go out anyway. Then I said fine.


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## michzz

Many have covered the whole miscommunication via text thing. However, nobody has really addressed the financial, mechanical, and time hit having a generator go on the fritz is.

Having to do repairs without electricity since that was what went out?

Tracking down a replacement, paying for it, figuring out other parts that need replacement AND tossing spoiled food?

All that doesn't really give a guy a boner for the GF, ok?

When one is trying to chase down parts, remove the old stuff, and install the new generator/electrical repair? That involves multiple trips to hardware stores, huge blocks of time. And if he is supposed to drop everything to go visit a girl he has only known a couple of weeks?

What if that block of time makes it so he cannot finish the repair effort? Then that cuts into the work week, taking time off.

Sheesh!

Why didn't you offer to go over there with a jug of coffee, a flashlight, and a broom?

He had no time for entertainment and you didn't see that.


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## lovelygirl

Oh God... 



> Pretty bossy for someone who has only known someone for 2 weeks. Plus he is 40, mature, orderly, in control of his life, very capable of taking care of himself and making his own decisions, and probably doesn't like being spoken to in that (disrespectful) manner.


Thank you. I didn't know that. 



> He told you what he needed to do. He is trying to get you to respect his needs. He has to get his generator fixed/replaced, house cleaned up, refrigerator cleaned out, etc. by MONDAY so he can *go *to work.


Really? How do you know he had to work on Monday? Or you just assumed. 



> Wow. Is this the way you have talked to him since day 1 (14 days ago)?


Wow. I can't believe you assume I talked to him like this since day 1.



> He's telling you about his needs. Y*ou admired how clean, well dressed, etc. he is....and he really is that person!* He doesn't want to leave his house a mess, or himself be a mess.


Really? 
Will he still keep on his ironed clothes if we have sex together? I wonder if he'll say "sorry...I can't make a mess here. Let me hang on my clothes and THEN we can have sex.." 



> Again, WOW! He doesn't need you to "teach" him anything. He knows who he is, how he likes to feel (clean and put together.) You really disrespected him with that statementt.


Clearly you don't see anything behind that statement/



> He set a firm boundary here. He has been very clear the entire time of his needs...and you ignored them. I believe by this time, ("No, lady.") and from the tone of his text he is p*ssed by now.


I wasn't ignoring his needs. I was trying to get him to relax. In between the texts I also added "Just relax. It's all fine. Don't take it personal. I'm just trying to make you change air..." 



> This statement is nice enough, but evidently insincere, because the following day you got even with him.


It was *SINCERE AT THAT MOMENT.* I don't predict the future and clearly didn't know what was about to happen the day later.



> You were so eager to see him yesterday on your terms. But after he has resolved his real life issues and can see you, you play games. You think that you didn't play games, but your statement is clearly passive aggressive, and you are playing unreasonably hard to get.


If I were playing hard to get, I wouldn't even have accepted him to meet me on Sunday. But instead, I said fine. We could meet. [If I really needed to play the "hard to get" game.]



> Why were you indifferent? More passive aggressive game playing? What you should have done on Saturday, if you cared about him, *was offer to come over and help him get things done,* but instead you wanted him to abandon all his responsibilities and play with you. Now you are throwing a passive aggressive temper tantrum because he didn't toss all his responsibilities for you so you could get your way.


I rolled on the floor...laughing so hard at the bold. Really? You think I should have gone to his house, roll up the sleeves, become and electrician and fix the generator????
:rofl:



> Why did you text him at *11 p.m.??* You should have just let him get some sleep!


Because *he was online..*.and usually goes to sleep at *2am*??
THat's why I shouldn't have texted him at 11.pm? 



> After knowing him for a mere 2 weeks you say this???


Yes.


> If I were him, I would have done the exact thing he did: block, block, block. You sound like a bunny boiler.


Your loss.




> All your responses were bizarre.


Because they were short and straight to the point?



> Learn to be empathetic.


I am VERY empathetic. At the beginning of the conversation on Saturday, when the generator issue came up..I first said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope it resolves fast". The conversation was much longer than what I posted. I posted the main parts to get the idea of what went on.



> He did the right thing by dumping you.


:smthumbup:


----------



## Steve1000

I don't recall ever seeing a thread in which this many posters are divided and have such opposite reactions. My take is that while the OP's written texts may have come across as insensitive, I think that the guy she was dating was way overly rigid and uptight. I think that a greater issue is that when people are in a new relationship, they should text less and talk more. Texting is much more likely to cause misunderstandings.


----------



## ButtPunch

Sorry OP

Your style of flirting went right over his head.

Relationship killed via the text message.


----------



## lovelygirl

GuyInColorado said:


> Did you give him any sex? Did he want sex? Sure he isn't gay?
> 
> Does he live off the grid? Do you live in a 3rd world country?
> 
> Strange...


No. We didn't have sex. Too early for me to have sex with someone I've dated only 4 times. I don't care what you think on this. 

I have my own pace. Men can either love it or leave.


----------



## lovelygirl

Steve1000 said:


> I don't recall ever seeing a thread in which this many posters are divided and have such opposite reactions. My take is that while the OP's written texts may have come across as insensitive, I think that the guy she was dating was way overly rigid and uptight. I think that a greater issue is that when people are in a new relationship, they should text less and talk more. Texting is much more likely to cause misunderstandings.


I couldn't agree more. 
I've always ...always....always...preferred TALKING over texting. But most guys I've dated choose texting instead.

I HATE it. Because it sends out the wrong message...the wrong tone...and leads to assumptions.


----------



## samyeagar

What exactly does changing air mean? Never heard that phrase before, and google just takes me to tire repair places, and HVAC stores.


----------



## Steve1000

lovelygirl said:


> Up until 9 days ago..I was dating a man ..who I'd consider the best I've dated so far(for the way he made me feel)...although it only lasted for 2 weeks. :|


After two weeks, you were only scratching the surface of getting to know him. If I had been the recipient of your text messages, I would not have been offended. My suggestion to you is that next time you're in a relationship, stop texting conversations, and talk instead.


----------



## lovelygirl

michzz said:


> !
> 
> Why didn't you offer to go over there with a jug of coffee, a flashlight, and a broom?


I wouldn't have done it in a million years.
That'd be over-reaction from my part ....plus...it was not my job to go and fix his generator.


----------



## michzz

lovelygirl said:


> I have my own pace. Men can either love it or leave.


and you found out his choice.


----------



## lovelygirl

samyeagar said:


> What exactly does changing air mean? Never heard that phrase before, and google just takes me to tire repair places, and HVAC stores.


Change place...to refresh.


----------



## lovelygirl

michzz said:


> and you found out his choice.


Sure. And I'll keep mine. No problem.


----------



## michzz

michzz said:


> Why didn't you offer to go over there with a jug of coffee, a flashlight, and a broom?





lovelygirl said:


> I wouldn't have done it in a million years.
> That'd be over-reaction from my part ....plus...it was not my job to go and fix his generator.


Seriously? Being empathetic is not about repairing the generator. Coffee and a flashlight for a new-found friend? An offer to sweep up stuff?

Yeah, I can see how that would be be beyond your comfort zone.


----------



## FrenchFry

I actually don't think either of you two did anything "wrong," you just weren't compatible and it's great you found out earlier rather than later. You deal with situations differently, you flirt differently and it seems like it wasn't that great of a fit.



> He: "Which of the home errands you didn't read . Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty"
> *Me: "I read them all and I don't care. Move."*


So, for example as you've seen this could be interpreted as bossy or playful. The right person would have felt this was playful and responded in kind...but he didn't and you didn't recognize that at the time.



> I rolled on the floor...laughing so hard at the bold. Really? You think I should have gone to his house, roll up the sleeves, become and electrician and fix the generator????


There are a couple ways that this could have gone, imo. You wanted to get him out for a change of pace. Another woman might have gone over there not to fix the generator but to be a different type of support. All we know right now is that what you offered wasn't really what he wanted or needed at that time.

Again, that doesn't make you right and him wrong. It makes you two together incompatible.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I've dated men who would have felt texts like that were fun and flirty, and have dated others who would have thought they were bossy and whiny.

I think you just have to accept that he felt it was bossy and that means, he's never really going to "get" you. Which means you should just be glad that things broke up now and not later after you had sex with him or got closer to him.

There's really no right or wrong...this was just a perfect test of how well matched you two would be in personality type...and the test did its job and showed you the result: not a match.


----------



## Yag-Kosha

samyeagar said:


> What exactly does changing air mean?


Farting changes the air.


----------



## samyeagar

FrenchFry said:


> I actually don't think either of you two did anything "wrong," you just weren't compatible and it's great you found out earlier rather than later. You deal with situations differently, you flirt differently and it seems like it wasn't that great of a fit.
> 
> 
> 
> So, for example as you've seen this could be interpreted as bossy or playful. The right person would have felt this was playful and responded in kind...but he didn't and you didn't recognize that at the time.
> 
> 
> 
> There are a couple ways that this could have gone, imo. You wanted to get him out for a change of pace. *Another woman might have gone over there not to fix the generator but to be a different type of support.* All we know right now is that what you offered wasn't really what he wanted or needed at that time.
> 
> Again, that doesn't make you right and him wrong. It makes you two together incompatible.


Oh yeah, if I am working on the car, or something major around the house, my wife will always be around to help. Her help usually amounts to just being good company.


----------



## FrenchFry

samyeagar said:


> Oh yeah, if I am working on the car, or something major around the house, my wife will always be around to help. Her help usually amounts to just being good company.


I've gotten more handy (and therefore a bit more helpful) over the years, but my first instinct would have been to offer go to his house for sure. I wouldn't pass up dark house with no distractions 
@lovelygirl, I hope you see what we are saying here. It's a good thing to find this stuff out sooner rather than later and these types of one off incidents don't mean you have to change you or he does. It's just not a match.


----------



## Magnesium

I would not have taken your texts as playful and would have been very annoyed and turned off by you. I think he tried to see past it and after getting his problem at home taken care of he offered to see you the next day. Your PA response would have told me that it was a mistake to give another shot at it. The whole "you always expect me to care..." thing was so ridiculous I don't even know where it came from.

But, mostly, it is your attitude here that tells me that whether or not he knows it, this guy dodged a bullet!


----------



## Satya

I think he may have been humoring your flirtation at first, whilst being in a pretty "serious" mode with the generator ordeal. Have you ever been in a stressful predicament and then someone calls you in good spirits... You play nice for a while but then you realize you have to cut them short and go because somethings on fire....

I think (and just guessing here) he was hoping you'd get the message so he didn't want to be flat out rude, but you wanted to convince him to come over when that's not really where his head was at. You persisted, he lost his temper. Maybe it triggered something in him from a past life, he took an extreme measure and blocked you when things were getting heated.

There's a lot I could interpret from that exchange, and it's all guesswork. But I'm pretty sure that no matter what, he's not going to be right for you. It's good that you know it now when you had less invested in the relationship.


----------



## SunCMars

CynthiaDe said:


> My responses were almost identical to @Araucaria's. I thought your comments came across as controlling and disrespectful.
> 
> Demanding he come see you was weird. You don't know him well enough for him to know if you're joking or you're a dominatrix.
> 
> It got worse as it went along. When I read you called him lazy, I gasped. Then when you said, "You always expect me to be the one who cares." I said aloud, "What on earth!" Your interaction with him was not good. If you really wanted to see him, you should have asked if you could go to his house and help him rather than calling him lazy and uncaring. You've known this man for two weeks, he had a crisis on his hands and your final response is to accuse him of not caring as much as you. Wow. I think that's rude. If he were a friend of mine, I would have recommend that he stop communicating with you.
> 
> You didn't lose him. You drove him away.


Hot Damn..

Even a smart ass old man can learn a thing or two.
.............................................................................

That said.

This guy to too touchy feely.
I did not take OP words to heart.
She is an Alpha Gal...or close to it.
She speaks her mind. She said these things to him with tongue in cheek, with humor IMO.

.............................................................................

This guy wants to call the shots, hates/fears women who are too sure of themselves.

.............................................................................

In the end, this two week date was not compatible with you, at all.
Not compatible with most any women...that is why he is single.


----------



## alexm

Steve1000 said:


> I don't recall ever seeing a thread in which this many posters are divided and have such opposite reactions. My take is that while the OP's written texts may have come across as insensitive, I think that the guy she was dating was way overly rigid and uptight. I think that a greater issue is that when people are in a new relationship, they should text less and talk more. Texting is much more likely to cause misunderstandings.


Oh god, this ^

It's all fine for 20-somethings to communicate only by text (seriously, I don't think my 17 year old knows how to operate a phone), but 30 and 40? Come on.

I do a fair amount of texting myself. But not with everybody. There are some people that read things in a generally negative way - no matter how it's phrased. I've learned who I can text, and who I can not.

Other times, when it's clear something is being misread (by myself or the other person) I PICK UP THE PHONE.

Anyway - this is on both people, IMO. Incompatibility, and figured out fairly quickly on both sides - so, good.


----------



## Yeswecan

lovelygirl said:


> I wouldn't have done it in a million years.
> That'd be over-reaction from my part ....plus...it was not my job to go and fix his generator.


No but, did you offer any assistance? Such as, the food that may spoil as a result of no electricity, any that could have gone in your refrigerator? Help of that kind. I'm really thinking the man was upset and frustrated. The texting added to the frustration of the generator breaking. It is hard to understand how to approach a person when they are upset or frustrated specifically as you have known this individual 2 weeks. In hindsight it may have been better to say your sorry, that is a awful situation followed up by what can I do to help if you need any.


----------



## Lila

@lovelygirl, if you're a religious person then I recommend you give thanks to you God for giving you this blessing. You literally dodged a bullet. That guy was NOT the right one for you.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> Because *he was online..*.and usually goes to sleep at *2am*??
> THat's why I shouldn't have texted him at 11.pm?


His generator was out, not working, right?

So how was he online at 11pm with a broken generator?


----------



## EleGirl

Yag-Kosha said:


> Farting changes the air.


The OP is lives in a non-English speaking country. English is not her native language. Yet she writes in English better than many "English speakers" who post here. It's pretty clear that she used a term that is not normal use in the USA. There is no reason to be rude because of this.


----------



## Adelais

From your first post, I knew you wouldn't like my response, or anyone else's that wasn't supporting you 100%.



lovelygirl said:


> although it only lasted for 2 weeks. :|
> 
> we went out on 4 dates and for the rest of the time..we'd chat on whatsapp. Texts were short and straight to the point and romantic as well.
> 
> After 4 dates, and texts that were short and straight to the point and romantic, the texts you quoted in your post weren't at all romantic, but loaded with (something...fill in the blank because they were just bizarre)
> 
> he has trust issues and cuts people out of his life at their first mistakes, especially when they are disrespectful to him.
> 
> He warned you. You should have listened to him.





lovelygirl said:


> Oh God...
> 
> 
> Thank you. I didn't know that.
> 
> 
> Really? How do you know he had to work on Monday? Or you just assumed.
> 
> 
> Wow. I can't believe you assume I talked to him like this since day 1.
> 
> 
> Really?
> Will he still keep on his ironed clothes if we have sex together? I wonder if he'll say "sorry...I can't make a mess here. Let me hang on my clothes and THEN we can have sex.."
> 
> 
> Clearly you don't see anything behind that statement/
> 
> 
> I wasn't ignoring his needs. I was trying to get him to relax. In between the texts I also added "Just relax. It's all fine. Don't take it personal. I'm just trying to make you change air..."
> 
> 
> It was *SINCERE AT THAT MOMENT.* I don't predict the future and clearly didn't know what was about to happen the day later.
> 
> 
> If I were playing hard to get, I wouldn't even have accepted him to meet me on Sunday. But instead, I said fine. We could meet. [If I really needed to play the "hard to get" game.]
> 
> 
> I rolled on the floor...laughing so hard at the bold. Really? You think I should have gone to his house, roll up the sleeves, become and electrician and fix the generator????
> :rofl:
> 
> 
> Because *he was online..*.and usually goes to sleep at *2am*??
> THat's why I shouldn't have texted him at 11.pm?
> 
> 
> Yes.
> 
> Your loss.
> 
> 
> 
> Because they were short and straight to the point?
> 
> 
> I am VERY empathetic. At the beginning of the conversation on Saturday, when the generator issue came up..I first said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope it resolves fast". The conversation was much longer than what I posted. I posted the main parts to get the idea of what went on.
> 
> 
> :smthumbup:


All your posts to me are exuding why your guy is the one who dodged a bullet.

In addition, no one said you should go over and fix his generator. You could have helped him out by just being good company and seeing if there was anything you actually could do, like help clean the refrigerator, or take out the garbage while he is working with the generator. 

Maybe you could have taken his unironed shirts to the cleaner for him since you liked how well he dressed, and enjoyed the fact that he was so chivalrous to you.:grin2:

However in one of your posts to another poster you have made it clear that you would never have lowered yourself to go help him out if you had to actually lift a finger.


----------



## EleGirl

FrenchFry said:


> I've gotten more handy (and therefore a bit more helpful) over the years, but my first instinct would have been to offer go to his house for sure. I wouldn't pass up dark house with no distractions
> 
> @lovelygirl, I hope you see what we are saying here. It's a good thing to find this stuff out sooner rather than later and these types of one off incidents don't mean you have to change you or he does. It's just not a match.


Since @lovelygirl had not yet had sex with him, and was not ready to start a sexual relationship, going to his home to 'help' him would not have been wise for her. Most men would interpret that as an invitation for sex.

Plus she had just met him. It sounds like she has never been invited to his home. So inviting herself to his home could very well be construed as too pushy or something only a 'bad' woman goes. 

She lives in a country that has much more traditional social constructs that then USA.


----------



## FrenchFry

You know, that is another good point. Things are also lost in translation--like if this whole story was translated a lot of the language that made this seem lighter could have been lost as well.

I do know as presented here though my husband would have been in the "bossy/pushy/unsympathetic" camp even if it was meant as flirty. He's a dude, much like myself who doesn't really respond well to even playful commands which is how that conversation could be interpreted.


----------



## happy as a clam

lovelygirl said:


> Oh God...
> 
> Thank you. I didn't know that.
> 
> Really? How do you know he had to work on Monday? Or you just assumed.
> 
> Wow. I can't believe you assume I talked to him like this since day 1.
> 
> Really?
> Will he still keep on his ironed clothes if we have sex together? I wonder if he'll say "sorry...I can't make a mess here. Let me hang on my clothes and THEN we can have sex.."
> 
> Clearly you don't see anything behind that statement/
> 
> I wasn't ignoring his needs. I was trying to get him to relax. In between the texts I also added "Just relax. It's all fine. Don't take it personal. I'm just trying to make you change air..."
> 
> It was *SINCERE AT THAT MOMENT.* I don't predict the future and clearly didn't know what was about to happen the day later.
> 
> If I were playing hard to get, I wouldn't even have accepted him to meet me on Sunday. But instead, I said fine. We could meet. [If I really needed to play the "hard to get" game.]
> 
> I rolled on the floor...laughing so hard at the bold. Really? You think I should have gone to his house, roll up the sleeves, become and electrician and fix the generator????
> :rofl:
> 
> Because *he was online..*.and usually goes to sleep at *2am*??
> THat's why I shouldn't have texted him at 11.pm?
> 
> Because they were short and straight to the point?
> 
> I am VERY empathetic. At the beginning of the conversation on Saturday, when the generator issue came up..I first said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope it resolves fast". The conversation was much longer than what I posted. I posted the main parts to get the idea of what went on.
> 
> :smthumbup:


No offense OP, but why ask for advice if you're going to defend against everything that's offered? Just sayin'...


----------



## EleGirl

@lovelygirl

I think that you can see from people's responses that the exact same words can be taken very differently by people. You said that what you posted was only part of the texting conversation between the two of you. So what looks like a very direct exchange was, it seems, not as direct as it appears here.

When you date, you are looking for more than a guy who dresses nicely, opens the door, etc. Far more important than these things is a guy who get you. Well, and a guy who you understand. Neither he nor you understand the other. So it's better that this ended before you spent a lot of time on him.

One good thing is that I think you know why he ended the relationship. He does not like your approach... meaning he does not really like who you are. And that's ok. He does not have to like you. And you don't have to change your behavior so that he likes you. You need to find a guy who would find your flirting/teasing to be fun.


----------



## lovelygirl

Faithful Wife said:


> I've dated men who would have felt texts like that were fun and flirty, and have dated others who would have thought they were bossy and whiny.
> 
> I think you just have to accept that he felt it was bossy and that means, he's never really going to "get" you. Which means you should just be glad that things broke up now and not later after you had sex with him or got closer to him.
> 
> There's really no right or wrong...this was just a perfect test of how well matched you two would be in personality type...and the test did its job and showed you the result: not a match.


As much as I agree with you FW, I do however think that a 2-week dating wouldn't be enough for anybody to get to know the other person. Time was a bit unfair here. Some signals of personality were exchanged in both of us, but still...more time was needed, in my opinion.


----------



## lovelygirl

FrenchFry said:


> I've gotten more handy (and therefore a bit more helpful) over the years, but my first instinct would have been to offer go to his house for sure. I wouldn't pass up dark house with no distractions
> 
> @lovelygirl, I hope you see what we are saying here. It's a good thing to find this stuff out sooner rather than later and these types of one off incidents don't mean you have to change you or he does. It's just not a match.


Yeah, I didn't mean I want to change for his or anyboy else's sake. I'm just trying to understand where we went wrong....especially me, for the sake of improving myself and learning from my past mistakes.

It's more about my personal improvement and self-growth.


----------



## lovelygirl

Satya said:


> I think he may have been humoring your flirtation at first, whilst being in a pretty "serious" mode with the generator ordeal. Have you ever been in a stressful predicament and then someone calls you in good spirits... You play nice for a while but then you realize you have to cut them short and go because somethings on fire....
> 
> I think (and just guessing here) he was hoping you'd get the message so he didn't want to be flat out rude, but you wanted to convince him to come over when that's not really where his head was at. You persisted, he lost his temper. Maybe it triggered something in him from a past life, he took an extreme measure and blocked you when things were getting heated.
> 
> There's a lot I could interpret from that exchange, and it's all guesswork. But I'm pretty sure that no matter what, he's not going to be right for you. It's good that you know it now when you had less invested in the relationship.


That's a good point. It might be that he didn't want to be rude. Although, I wasn't trying to be rude with my playful "demands". He might've misunderstood it though...

That's what happens with he chooses to text instead of talking.


----------



## lovelygirl

alexm said:


> Oh god, this ^
> 
> It's all fine for 20-somethings to communicate only by text (seriously, I don't think my 17 year old knows how to operate a phone), but 30 and 40? Come on.
> 
> I do a fair amount of texting myself. But not with everybody. There are some people that read things in a generally negative way - no matter how it's phrased. I've learned who I can text, and who I can not.
> 
> Other times, when it's clear something is being misread (by myself or the other person) I PICK UP THE PHONE.
> 
> Anyway - this is on both people, IMO. Incompatibility, and figured out fairly quickly on both sides - so, good.


I totally agree on this.
I've always made sure to let the guys know that texting is simply a HUGE WASTE of TIME. You can send a thing or two.....but solving issues through texts??

I think it's lack of confidence and insecurity to be "faced" directly through live voice and interection. I've always been a fan of calling.


----------



## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> His generator was out, not working, right?
> 
> So how was he online at 11pm with a broken generator?


Good catch. 

He self-explained himself telling me he charged the phone in his car. I didn't even think of it to be honest....but he went ahead and let me know in case I was wondering about the phone batteries.


----------



## lovelygirl

Araucaria said:


> From your first post, I knew you wouldn't like my response, or anyone else's that wasn't supporting you 100%.


I don't come here for support/appreciation.
I come here to exchange ideas and see things from a different perspective, even when me or others disagree.
It's not about simply liking a response or not. It goes beyond this(for me).



> All your posts to me are exuding why your guy is the one who dodged a bullet.
> 
> In addition, no one said you should go over and fix his generator. You could have helped him out by just being good company and seeing if there was anything you actually could do, like help clean the refrigerator, or take out the garbage while he is working with the generator.


Sorry, but I have to thoroughly disagree. I can't get self-invited if the other person doesn't offer. It would've been a bad move, plus..that's not me anyway. So, I can't do things I don't feel. (judging by the short-time of dating).



> Maybe you could have taken his unironed shirts to the cleaner for him since you liked how well he dressed, and enjoyed the fact that he was so chivalrous to you.:grin2:


Yeah. And then I'd slam the iron to his face and leave. :wink2:

_*Joking* I wouldn't iron for someone I hardly know. I hardly even iron my own clothes, let alone someone else's. lol.
_


> However in one of your posts to another poster you have made it clear that you would never have lowered yourself to go help him out if you had to actually lift a finger.


It's not about lowering myself. It's about being inappropriate to go to his house, that way, without being invited...to offer unnecessary help. Too pre-mature.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> Good catch.
> 
> He self-explained himself telling me he charged the phone in his car. I didn't even think of it to be honest....but he went ahead and let me know in case I was wondering about the phone batteries.


When the power is out in my house, the last thing I do is use my phone to surf the web. Even if I can recharge it in the car. I need the phone for essentials.

Does he have a computer that he uses to get on the internet? Or does he just use a phone for this? Could he have been on a computer?


----------



## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> Since @lovelygirl had not yet had sex with him, and was not ready to start a sexual relationship, going to his home to 'help' him would not have been wise for her. Most men would interpret that as an invitation for sex.
> 
> Plus she had just met him. It sounds like she has never been invited to his home. So inviting herself to his home could very well be construed as too pushy or something only a 'bad' woman goes.
> 
> She lives in a country that has much more traditional social constructs that then USA.


Exactly. Never been to his home.
Pre-mature to offer help at the time/moment of speaking.
I live in the Balkans, and despite the fact that this zone is modernized, I still like to take things a bit slower.

Sex is there. Can wait.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah. And then I'd slam the iron to his face and would leave. :wink2:


??? Why would you slam the iron in his face?


----------



## lovelygirl

happy as a clam said:


> No offense OP, but why ask for advice if you're going to defend against everything that's offered? Just sayin'...


I'm not defending. I'm explaining and how I feel and making sure you understand me and the situation, in order to be able to give an objective view (as much as possible).


----------



## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> ??? Why would you slam the iron in his face?


 @EleGirl, that was a joke/sarcasm in response to @Araucaria 's post about me ironing his clothes. :smile2:

I figured he was kind of joking so I went ahead and kept going with that rhythm.
That's why I followed it with a wink/smiley.


----------



## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> When the power is out in my house, the last thing I do is use my phone to surf the web. Even if I can recharge it in the car. I need the phone for essentials.
> 
> Does he have a computer that he uses to get on the internet? Or does he just use a phone for this? Could he have been on a computer?


Probably the computer's battery had died. He didn't mention it.
When we were chatting, it was around 2pm. He said the electricity went off at 8am that day. (Saturday)


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> As much as I agree with you FW, I do however think that a 2-week dating wouldn't be enough for anybody to get to know the other person. Time was a bit unfair here. Some signals of personality were exchanged in both of us, but still...more time was needed, in my opinion.


When dating, you should end the dating relationship with the first significant problem you see. That's what dating is about... find out if a person is someone who you want to have a long term relationship with. He decided that something did not work for him. He's entitled to make that decision for himself whenever he wants to.

What I think is the major problem here is that you don't have some of the details as to why he ended it.

Did he end it simply because he did not like your way of flirting/teasing him when he was having a real problem? Did he take it the way others here did?

Or did he end it because he was lying to you and had some other plans and it was clear that you were not going to just say ok and go away. IMHO, his being on the internet with his cell phone when he had no electricity is a huge indicator that he was lying. I think he had power.

Have you searched the internet to see if he got that picture of the generator off the internet?


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> @EleGirl, that was a joke/sarcasm in response to @Araucaria 's post about me ironing his clothes. :smile2:
> 
> I figured he was kind of joking so I went ahead and kept going with that rhythm.
> That's why I followed it with a wink/smiley.


This is a language and cultural different. Here in the USA, we don't make jokes like that. To us, it's an indication that the person making the joke is a violent person. You might want to change that part of your post to mean exactly what you mean "I would not iron laundry for a man I hardly know."

Having lived in Europe, near your country, I know that this sort of 'joke' is taken differently there than here.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> Probably the computer's battery had died. He didn't mention it.
> When we were chatting, it was around 2pm. He said the electricity went off at 8am that day. (Saturday)


How do you know that he was on the phone when you saw him online? Could he have been on his computer?

You have no idea if his generator really did go out.


----------



## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> This is a language and cultural different. Here in the USA, we don't make jokes like that. To us, it's an indication that the person making the joke is a violent person. You might want to change that part of your post to mean exactly what you mean "I would not iron laundry for a man I hardly know."
> 
> Having lived in Europe, near your country, I know that this sort of 'joke' is taken differently there than here.


I get your point.

When I make those "violent" blatant jokes...you'll have to see my body language, hear the tone of my voice as well...to realize that it was a joke. 
Written jokes (of this type) could be easily misinterpreted. It's the same type of joke as "Move. I don't care if you're unwashed." There is a certain attitude, body language, voice tone and sight...to realize that it was a joke indeed. 

But I'll edit my post as you suggested. 

Thank you.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> I get your point.
> 
> When I make those "violent" blatant jokes...you'll have to see my body language, hear the tone of my voice as well...to realize that it was a joke.
> Written jokes (of this type) could be easily misinterpreted. It's the same type of joke as "Move. I don't care if you're unwashed." There is a certain attitude, body language, voice tone and sight...to realize that it was a joke indeed.
> 
> But I'll edit my post as you suggested.
> 
> Thank you.


Keep in mind that 70% of human communication is non-verbal. So in your texts, and here online, 70% of what you are tying to communicate is lost. Written/text communication always comes of much harsher than intended.


----------



## MrsHolland

EleGirl said:


> How do you know that he was on the phone when you saw him online? Could he have been on his computer?
> 
> You have no idea if his generator really did go out.


Power banks are all that is needed. I have one for my phone that once charged lasts months till used then it charges the phone in an emergency or if travelling. They are cheap and common here, would guess the same over there.


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> I couldn't agree more.
> 
> I've always ...always....always...preferred TALKING over texting. But most guys I've dated choose texting instead.
> 
> 
> 
> I HATE it. Because it sends out the wrong message...the wrong tone...and leads to assumptions.




Same as forums really... But when a text gets misinterpreted on forums...that’s a double negative!
And yes, it’s not a good idea to send out the wrong message via text...
Sorry about the breakup (not sure what happened, a lot of the post has either been deleted or edited).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl

MrsHolland said:


> Power banks are all that is needed. I have one for my phone that once charged lasts months till used then it charges the phone in an emergency or if travelling. They are cheap and common here, would guess the same over there.


Yea I have one of those. it only lasts about as a long as my phone battery. Then it has to be recharged.

She has no idea if this guy was telling the truth. who knows?


----------



## Red Sonja

Cultural and language differences aside, because I cannot address them, this is my opinion for what it's worth:

1. In future have conversations in person or via voice communication until you know each other well enough to "read" each other.

2. It is a mistake to attribute hidden meanings to the behavior or words of another person.

3. You both over-reacted to each other in this incident. (blocking ... really?!)

And ...



SunCMars said:


> She is an Alpha Gal...or close to it.


Um, not even close, an Alpha (male or female) would _never _say "You always expect me to be the one who cares"


----------



## EleGirl

@lovelygirl

Was the generator that went out his personal generator? Or was it one that the electric company has on a power line/pole? 

I get the impression that he has a generator that belongs to him. Is it common where you live for people to run their homes on individual generators?


----------



## 269370

EleGirl said:


> ??? Why would you slam the iron in his face?




Too wrinkly?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that 70% of human communication is non-verbal. So in your texts, and here online, 70% of what you are tying to communicate is lost. Written/text communication always comes of much harsher than intended.




If you know a person, personally, it’s much easier to assign the ‘correct’ tone to written form (text or email etc). If you don’t know them, it’s harder.
Also, I think a ridiculous statement followed by emoji or similar can only be interpreted as a joke. I took it as such. But I’m from Europe...
From the text message snippets I read here, I don’t think he broke up with you because of texts.
You probably are a mismatch (he felt) in one way or another. 
Just try to move on. And keep the iron at home, just in case 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lovelygirl

EleGirl said:


> @lovelygirl
> 
> Was the generator that went out his personal generator? Or was it one that the electric company has on a power line/pole?
> 
> I get the impression that he has a generator that belongs to him. Is it common where you live for people to run their homes on individual generators?


I would've shown you the photo and the video of the generator, but I deleted it.
He lives is in the county of my city. He has a villa (house) (as far as I know) and had a personal generator because he had no energy panels installed. 
He had sent me a photo of the burnt generator and a video (before the photo) where the generator started releasing smoke.


----------



## SunCMars

EleGirl said:


> @lovelygirl
> 
> Was the generator that went out his personal generator? Or was it one that the electric company has on a power line/pole?
> 
> I get the impression that he has a generator that belongs to him. Is it common where you live for people to run their homes on individual generators?


I will wait for OP to answer this question. Likely back-up.
It is very expensive to power one's home with gas, diesel, LNG, propane,natural gas.. fuel.

However:
Our electrical grid is in 'fair' condition. Power companies do not do the maintenance they need to do on a regular basis.
And in this country we run 95% of our power on poles and towers. This is stupid, but considering the cost to run them underground expect them to stay above ground for a long time.

If you live in a treed suburb, expect power lines to get torn off by falling tree limbs during each storm. Most power outages are weather related. Wind, flooding, soaking rain, lightning, ice storms. Vehicles striking power-poles cause local outages.

Many people, myself included have a back-up generator. On average I need to use it one or two times a year [N.Ohio].


----------



## Faithful Wife

lovelygirl said:


> As much as I agree with you FW, I do however think that a 2-week dating wouldn't be enough for anybody to get to know the other person. Time was a bit unfair here. Some signals of personality were exchanged in both of us, but still...*more time was needed*, in my opinion.


But look at how he reacted. He stopped responding and then blocked you everywhere.

Is this really the type of thing you would want to deal with on an ongoing basis? I know you feel him ghosting you was rude and too extreme....so since you do feel that way, WHY chase him (by writing him a letter) or spend any more time thinking you needed "more time"? His reaction is and was his to own. It just seems like you are having a hard time accepting that this is truly what he has decided (to end it by ghosting you).

Why would you spend another moment thinking of having "more time" with him?

I hope this makes sense in the way I've written it. You really have no choice in the matter at this point.

And if he ever shows up again later....I would hope you don't rush back toward him, because it will happen again and again if you do.


----------



## lovelygirl

Faithful Wife said:


> But look at how he reacted. He stopped responding and then blocked you everywhere.
> 
> Is this really the type of thing you would want to deal with on an ongoing basis? I know you feel him ghosting you was rude and too extreme....so since you do feel that way, WHY chase him (by writing him a letter) or spend any more time thinking you needed "more time"? His reaction is and was his to own. It just seems like you are having a hard time accepting that this is truly what he has decided (to end it by ghosting you).
> 
> Why would you spend another moment thinking of having "more time" with him?
> 
> I hope this makes sense in the way I've written it. You really have no choice in the matter at this point.
> 
> And if he ever shows up again later....I would hope you don't rush back toward him, because it will happen again and again if you do.


True words. His problem would still persist if we happen to get back together.

I'll just have to accept that this HUGE flaw that he had, would always be there.


----------



## EleGirl

lovelygirl said:


> True words. His problem would still persist if we happen to get back together.
> 
> I'll just have to accept that this HUGE flaw that he had, would always be there.


That's right. You need to accept his decision. 

And I agree that if he comes back, don't get back with him. This is the way he is. He's not a person to tell you what bothers him. Instead he ghosts you with no explanation. It's not a game you want to play.


----------



## Adelais

lovelygirl said:


> I totally agree on this.
> I've always made sure to let the guys know that texting is simply a HUGE WASTE of TIME. You can send a thing or two.....but solving issues through texts??
> 
> I think it's lack of confidence and insecurity to be "faced" directly through live voice and interection. I've always been a fan of calling.


But all of your "flirting" was done by text, according to your own posts here. You even said that there were a lot more texts from both of you, which you left out. Your actions don't match your words.

You are now saying that you barely knew him, after 4 dates. Why then the very flirty texts? One would think by your texts to him that you knew him very well.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

Definately mismatched. On to the next man. Good luck next time!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

EleGirl said:


> I too saw her "demands" as playful, flirting, letting him know what she's interested in seeing him.





Evinrude58 said:


> Just sounds like a miscommunication to me.
> 
> I could see she was trying be playful with her "commands" the come see her....
> 
> Yeah, she did start playing passive aggressive games and didn't seem t get it when he was in a bind.
> 
> Knowing you for only two weeks, he wasn't about to come see you dirty and worried about fixing his situation. You didn't catch it l, even though he explained it pretty clearly.
> 
> BUT, if he was really interested and not a jerk,he would have listened and not blocked you. That's a sigh of a controlling ******* who doesn't care who they hurt.
> 
> I think although you made some mistakes, he is the one who sounds like he has problems.
> You should have seen a major red flag when he told you he ghosts people after a "mistake".
> Something purposefully done, yeah. But mistake? You don't ghost oeoooe because of a mistake, if you're normal.
> 
> I say don't worry about it and move on. Don't give a man this much control over your emotions into l they've earned some trust. He hasn't in two weeks.....


This will upset some, but I noticed two things right off the bat. The age difference and the Baby. For some a decade is a ton. I'm not here to say it is wrong or wrong, personally age doesn't matter when you are adults too me, but for some it is too much of a difference. You are deep in the electronic age and he was seeing the brick Cell phones the size of your face and pagers. When I read the exchange I saw you being flirty and young, as did the two posts above, but then I also noticed the single dad scenario. Yes, he could have asked for clarification, but when I was in a similar scenario I went nit pick as well. Don't put him in the bad guy category nor yourself.

From what you wrote, this is a guy new to the dating scene with a 6 month old baby. He is dating for fun and definitely for two. If he is in the child's life like I was, every date is fun, but there is a part where you see if she is "bring around the baby" material. Nope, sorry, I will argue with anyone who says, "but the baby won't remember." Yes, logically, rationally and emotionally I understood this point. Irrationally, it made no sense because a single parent plays the what if game and especially fathers. He was upfront and honest about his rules and boundaries. You liked him, he was sweet, but it just didn't work out. He's in my age group and texting older men play hip, but only a few really are and I bet he completely missed what you were doing. As to ghosting? LOL. It goes back to lack of hip, many of the people I know used different terms, like "falling out of touch." We didn't have a block button, it was called "leaving the phone off the hook" or "unplugging it from the wall" to make him/her "get the message." Wrong? Sure. Childish? Sure. Still, it was done. 

Sorry if this was repeated, it used to irritate me when others did it, but I tend to start skipping posts when people try to prove each other wrong.


----------



## lovelygirl

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This will upset some, but I noticed two things right off the bat. The age difference and the Baby. For some a decade is a ton. I'm not here to say it is wrong or wrong, personally age doesn't matter when you are adults too me, but for some it is too much of a difference. You are deep in the electronic age and he was seeing the brick Cell phones the size of your face and pagers. When I read the exchange I saw you being flirty and young, as did the two posts above, but then I also noticed the single dad scenario. Yes, he could have asked for clarification, but when I was in a similar scenario I went nit pick as well. Don't put him in the bad guy category nor yourself.
> 
> *From what you wrote, this is a guy new to the dating scene with a 6 month old baby. *He is dating for fun and definitely for two. If he is in the child's life like I was, every date is fun, but there is a part where you see if she is "bring around the baby" material. Nope, sorry, I will argue with anyone who says, "but the baby won't remember." Yes, logically, rationally and emotionally I understood this point. Irrationally, it made no sense because a single parent plays the what if game and especially fathers. He was upfront and honest about his rules and boundaries. You liked him, he was sweet, but it just didn't work out. He's in my age group and texting older men play hip, but only a few really are and I bet he completely missed what you were doing. As to ghosting? LOL. It goes back to lack of hip, many of the people I know used different terms, like "falling out of touch." We didn't have a block button, it was called "leaving the phone off the hook" or "unplugging it from the wall" to make him/her "get the message." Wrong? Sure. Childish? Sure. Still, it was done.
> 
> Sorry if this was repeated, it used to irritate me when others did it, but I tend to start skipping posts when people try to prove each other wrong.


Absolutely NO, to the bolded part.
He goes through dating every once in a few weeks. I'm sure many women and girls are all over him as he's very very attractive (in terms of attitude and charisma). So, chances are he's already found another woman now. 

When we started seeing each other, he said "Let's go with the flow. No expectations..." so..I'm sure he was not looking for a woman to keep around his child.


----------



## Wolf1974

I agree with others that when a conversations starts to go south you have to change fro text to phone call Immediately. Your texts also seem pushy and overbearing to me. Probably not the way you mean them but how they came across to my eyes. I also have had conversations where context and meaning doesn’t come across well in text. It’s just not a replacement for a phone or face to face conversation.

My guess is that if you were dating longer someone would have called someone by now but because this is so new it’s easier not to risk and just cut off communications.


----------



## lovelygirl

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree with others that when a conversations starts to go south you have to change fro text to phone call Immediately. Your texts also seem pushy and overbearing to me. Probably not the way you mean them but how they came across to my eyes. I also have had conversations where context and meaning doesn’t come across well in text. It’s just not a replacement for a phone or face to face conversation.
> 
> My guess is that if you were dating longer someone would have called someone by now but because this is so new it’s easier not to risk and just cut off communications.


Pushy?

Usually, I try to be very limited with text as I don't want them to become a custom/habit within a relationship...but that day I felt like I wanted to try something new...and let him know that I was really interested in him. (which was true.) It didn't work out. 

Fine.

Next.


----------



## Wolf1974

lovelygirl said:


> Pushy?
> 
> Usually, I try to be very limited with text as I don't want them to become a custom/habit within a relationship...but that day I felt like I wanted to try something new...and let him know that I was really interested in him. (which was true.) It didn't work out.
> 
> Fine.
> 
> Next.


Yep seemed that way to me, and him obviously. 

Nothing wrong with texting my opinion but as I said and have leaned from personal experience if the conversation goes south best to talk (over the phone or live) it out to make sure you are communicating. So much is just lost in text.


----------



## MrsHolland

lovelygirl said:


> ........................
> 
> During 2 weeks of dating (after meeting in person), we went out on 4 dates and for the rest of the time..we'd chat on whatsapp. We'd wish each other good night/morning...and little chats throughout the day to ask how we were doing. Texts were short and straight to the point and romantic as well.
> 
> In one of our conversations he revealed that he has trust issues and cuts people out of his life at their first mistakes, especially when they are disrespectful to him.
> 
> Last weekend (Oct. 29) he had a problem with his generator at home (Saturday and Sunday). He had stayed home all Sat. with no electricity...complaining that a whole Saturday had been stolen away from him. So, I thought I'd invite him for a coffee to change air and make him leave the dark house for a while. He said he couldn't leave as he was unwashed, had un-ironed clothes and needed to work on the generator issue, needed to clean the house and the fridge..and throw food away..etc.
> I thought this was a bit of over-reaction and while joking in our conversation, I added:
> "_you're acting worse than a woman..., move your butt, grab random clothes and come have coffee with me. Now. _"
> He: "_Which of the home errands you didn't read :grin2:_. Plus, I feel uncleaned and sort of dirty"
> Me: "I read them all and I don't care. Move."
> He: "You want me to come with unwashed body, face and teeth and un-ironed clothes?"
> Me: "Use a bowl to wash face and teeth ...and body. Don't act as if you haven't washed yourself in a month. lol. Don't make me teach you now lol.
> Me: No, lady. I'm not going anywhere because I don't feel like going out with a messy look, without a proper shower and un-ironed. As much as I'd wish to be with you now, I can't leave things like this at home either."
> Me: Alright. I don't want to force you on anything...just thinking you'd change air. But I understand if you want to go ahead and fix the issue  Hope it resolves as soon as possible. "
> 
> *Sunday:
> He: I'll have dinner and ...why not enjoy a hug...or a coffee with you...or both
> Me: Depending on the time. Let me know the exact time please so that I can arrange my plans.
> [I could've said "NO" but didn't want to play the game of "revenge" here]
> 
> After 4 hours of no response, he sent me the picture of his burnt generator, followed by words "Took fire".
> I read it ..and replied...with indifference.. "Bad luck." and didn't add anything more.
> After 2 hours, at 11 pm ... I add:
> Me:"Goodnight".
> He: Ditto.
> Me: Too lazy to wish a simple goodnight?
> He: Too lazy to ask if I was doing okay? Goodnight.
> Me: You always expect me to be the one who cares.*
> 
> *****
> Then he simply blocks me from everything, from social media....and even from his phone.
> 
> To be honest, I got mad and that's why I didn't add anything after the picture of his generator, because Isimply thought it was over-reaction from his part. Not wanting to find the time to leave the house for only 1 hour in 48 hours, to meet me?? I'm not trying to act like a spoiled, attention wh*re here..., but If I were him, I'd leave the house messy and run to meet him. Especially, if he had told me he didn't care how messy I'd look..he just wanted to see me. That was the message I was trying to deliver.
> 
> *I've been feeling very very low, and crying..and depressed because he seemed to be someone different...and I guess I've lost him. I think of ways I could do better ...but we all make mistakes. Is it enough to shut the relation down ...so fast...if you care about the other person??*
> 
> There's a bit more to the story (which I'll add later, to not make this post super long). I'm just letting you know that he hasn't contacted me ever-since ...even after I sent him a written letter 6 days ago.
> 
> To be continued..but I want to know your thoughts up to now.
> Did I over-react? Could I have done it better? Could HE have done it better?


TBH after reading the texts it appears you set yourself up for failure. 2 weeks is not enough time to work out if you care for someone that much. The crying and feeling depressed on you part seems really OTT. 

He is a grown man that can decide for himself if his immediate situation eg the generator needs more attention than you. The texts you sent him do sound passive aggressive and I would guess he doesn't want that in his life.


----------



## lovelygirl

Below is the letter I sent him. 

You might wonder about some of the things I wrote him so let me explain. At the beginning I thought he was a hacker. When he contacted me first, he introduced himself and mentioned the fact that he liked an article that I had written about an area of law. 
I didn't believe it at the time as I thought he was "using" my article just to get my attention, later I realized he really meant it. 
He's African, grown in Paris, living in my country (somewhere in the Balkans). He understands and speaks my language because he has been living here for 4 years. During our first days of conversations, I was a bit skeptical that he was a foreigner because he would write so well in my native language that I thought he was just pretending to be a foreigner. I hesitated a lot to meet him...as I had doubts running through my head..(until I saw we had common friends and saw his pictures carefully). That's when I decided to meet him. Regarding what he does in his life, he's an artist and a concert promoter. 

The rest is history. 

I really cared about him though ... so given that there was no way to contact him, I wrote a letter and gave it to his best friend to give it to him. Wrong or right...I wanted to try.

*************************

_…You might think this is over the top…, but I want to make sure these words reach to you, given that you’ve blocked from me everywhere. 

First off, I hope you are doing well.

I apologize for my lack of sensitivity on Sunday night. At my own risk, I’m frankly telling you that I didn’t think the generator took fire in its literal meaning, not because I didn’t believe you, but I simply thought it was just another breakdown, like the one of the day before. I’m not trying to justify here, merely letting you know what I thought at that moment.
But this doesn't omit the fact that I felt disappointed that you ended up treating me like everyone else, because I wouldn’t do the same, out of respect for you. But that was your choice.

I believe that as mature people, we can resolve issues without acting out of spite. I will not beg you to contact me again if you’ve definitely decided to not see me anymore, though I’d kindly ask you to consider “us” once again. We didn’t take the necessary time to get to know each-other on a deeper level and that’s a pity....as we could have easily improved our communication and do great things together. It would take a little more patience and trust. 
If you keep on canceling people out of your life like this, you won’t be able to develop bonds and probably …might miss out on meaningful opportunities with them. 
Isn’t it ironic how you at first insisted on us to meet and I gave us that chance, whereas now… I’m insisting on us to keep on meeting, waiting for your turn to give us a second chance? 
It’s me now asking you to let those walls down a bit…just like I started doing the same with you.

At the beginning, I thought you were a hacker and in the end you thought I was careless and lazy to ask how you were doing…because we both made the mistake of assuming. Hence, I REFUSE to let any misunderstanding come in between us and dictate our thoughts. At least, I’ll do what I can within my possibilities and integrity to not leave things to the flow, this time. 
I don’t want to impose anything and I’m just sharing my pieces here, because I simply CARE...for you...for us. The fact that I’m writing this letter is a sign that I am not able to remain indifferent, otherwise I wouldn’t move half finger. 
I developed a genuine interest towards your persona in particular, though to you, I might have been just another possible fling... I don’t know…I guess I‘ll know “the answer” either by your reaction…or simply…by the lack of it. 
If I meant little to you, then…your choice, I’ll have respect it and move on. But for now…I’ll keep on singing Beyoncé’s “I Care” until I feel it doesn’t belong to me anymore. 

Hopefully, you give this letter a thought and start to see things in a different light.

If I don’t get to hear from you or see you again, I still think it was nice meeting you ….and I wish you well! ♥


Sincerely,

[My name]_
________________________________

That was it. I wrote what I felt.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Sorry, but it sounds like a lecture to me. Just let it go. You've posted two exchanges and I'm starting to wonder how you texted and talked to him over those two weeks. Seriously, you just posted how he absolutely couldn't be what I suggested. 



> Absolutely NO, to the bolded part.
> He goes through dating every once in a few weeks. I'm sure many women and girls are all over him as he's very very attractive (in terms of attitude and charisma). So, chances are he's already found another woman now.
> 
> When we started seeing each other, he said "Let's go with the flow. No expectations..." so..I'm sure he was not looking for a woman to keep around his child.


If he does respond ask him if he thinks of his child while dating. See, this is a prime example of what you interpret and the meaning to others. It is in the back of his mind if he can ever have a woman meet his baby. Nowhere in my post did I say it was his primary motivation. I even make sure to clarify the point. I didn't say keep at all, I said "bring around." When I was dating there were times where time, circumstances and my ex's vindictiveness made me drop or change plans when I dated. So, part of me had a criteria of "is this someone I could bring around my child." Nope, doesn't mean we date again. Nope, doesn't mean I was looking for a baby sitter. Nope, it doesn't mean I was looking for a wife. Nope, it wasn't about keeping a woman around my child to be a mother, but is this someone I want around my child at all.


----------



## sandcastle

My question is this-

Why are you so obsessed with a man you dated 4 times in 2 weeks?

And then send that letter?

Is this normal behavior ?

This is a bit bunny in the boiling waterish.


----------



## lovelygirl

sandcastle said:


> My question is this-
> 
> Why are you so obsessed with a man you dated 4 times in 2 weeks?


Is it really about the quantity rather than the quality??

Why does it matter how many times we met? 
He made me feel like no one else before...even when I've been dating someone for 3 months. The intensity of feelings with this guy doesn't come close to those for the other guys, even if I dated them for longer. 



> And then send that letter?


Yes.



> Is this normal behavior ?


I don't know. It's a moment of craziness. I'm going through it maybe.
Should I be ashamed? 
I don't think so.


----------



## happy as a clam

Please tell us you didn't actually SEND that letter... 

OP, he may actually be thinking about taking out a restraining order against you after reading that. Your obsession with this man after ONLY 2 WEEKS (4 dates?) is coming across as *frightening*.

ETA: I just re-read your post. If there's still time to stop your friend from delivering the letter, I would seriously consider it.


----------



## Openminded

Hopefully, that was a learning experience.


----------



## Yeswecan

Your letter....the man does not need to be schooled on relationships and bonding. It would have been best to left it alone. Perhaps the man would have contacted you once again. I can assure you the letter will prevent that.


----------



## Steve1000

lovelygirl said:


> ________________________________
> 
> That was it. I wrote what I felt.


Lovelygirl, it was a lovely and well-written letter if it would have been written to someone with whom you've had a long and stable relationship with. I wish that my wife possessed some of your emotional or sentimental qualities. Unfortunately, this letter is not appropriate in your situation and I don't think that it will be received well.


----------



## Magnesium

happy as a clam said:


> Please tell us you didn't actually SEND that letter...
> 
> OP, he may actually be thinking about taking out a restraining order against you after reading that. Your obsession with this man after ONLY 2 WEEKS (4 dates?) is coming across as *frightening*.
> 
> ETA: I just re-read your post. If there's still time to stop your friend from delivering the letter, I would seriously consider it.


I completely agree. 

I don't understand what would prompt you to send a letter to a man who has cut off contact. To send THAT letter is just ... creepy. I also really don't understand the oppositional/defiant nature of your responses. The tone of many of your posts feel combative, much like those texts. Unstable is definitely the vibe I'm getting here.


----------



## Wolf1974

I agree this letter is another bad decision. If I was in his position and received that letter I would be well assured I made the right decision about cutting off all contact.

What might have been better is just a simple apology and wishing him well in the future.


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> He made me feel like no one else before...even when I've been dating someone for 3 months. The intensity of feelings with this guy doesn't come close to those for the other guys, even if I dated th



And that’s all that you should have said in the letter (though I’m not sure it’s a good idea to send the letter in the first place).
And then excused your behaviour because your feelings and desire to see him overwhelmed you (which is probably what actually happened, given your inexplicable texts...).

The actual letter comes across as slightly condescending instead of ‘romantic’ to somebody who may not be as ‘swept’ by their feelings.

Somehow, your persona doesn’t seem to come through well in letters (or texts for that matter). Maybe you shouldn’t write/text while you are infatuated. That’s not a criticism of you personally: you are probably a lovely girl, Lovelygirl. But the texts were much too pushy (and probably scared him off) and the tone of the letter is kind of condescending, demeaning and lecture-like: you still sound a little mad at him that he didn’t see you: you mustn’t pressure guys like that. At least some guys might feel overwhelmed by it: that’s not to say other guys might not find it romantic...
I think you might have to accept the fact that this guy in particular doesn’t want to have anything to do with you for now. It sucks but it’s one of those life lessons. Next guy might be The One. You don’t know this guys well enough anyway - you are still too infatuated.





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Adelais

lovelygirl said:


> *************************
> 
> _…You might think this is over the top…, but I want to make sure these words reach to you, given that you’ve blocked from me everywhere.
> 
> First off, I hope you are doing well.
> 
> I apologize for my lack of sensitivity on Sunday night. At my own risk, I’m frankly telling you that I didn’t think the generator took fire in its literal meaning, not because I didn’t believe you, but I simply thought it was just another breakdown, like the one of the day before. I’m not trying to justify here, merely letting you know what I thought at that moment.
> But this doesn't omit the fact that I felt disappointed that you ended up treating me like everyone else, because I wouldn’t do the same, out of respect for you. But that was your choice.
> 
> I believe that as mature people, we can resolve issues without acting out of spite. I will not beg you to contact me again if you’ve definitely decided to not see me anymore, though I’d kindly ask you to consider “us” once again. We didn’t take the necessary time to get to know each-other on a deeper level and that’s a pity....as we could have easily improved our communication and do great things together. It would take a little more patience and trust.
> If you keep on canceling people out of your life like this, you won’t be able to develop bonds and probably …might miss out on meaningful opportunities with them.
> Isn’t it ironic how you at first insisted on us to meet and I gave us that chance, whereas now… I’m insisting on us to keep on meeting, waiting for your turn to give us a second chance?
> It’s me now asking you to let those walls down a bit…just like I started doing the same with you.
> 
> At the beginning, I thought you were a hacker and in the end you thought I was careless and lazy to ask how you were doing…because we both made the mistake of assuming. Hence, I REFUSE to let any misunderstanding come in between us and dictate our thoughts. At least, I’ll do what I can within my possibilities and integrity to not leave things to the flow, this time.
> I don’t want to impose anything and I’m just sharing my pieces here, because I simply CARE...for you...for us. The fact that I’m writing this letter is a sign that I am not able to remain indifferent, otherwise I wouldn’t move half finger.
> I developed a genuine interest towards your persona in particular, though to you, I might have been just another possible fling... I don’t know…I guess I‘ll know “the answer” either by your reaction…or simply…by the lack of it.
> If I meant little to you, then…your choice, I’ll have respect it and move on. But for now…I’ll keep on singing Beyoncé’s “I Care” until I feel it doesn’t belong to me anymore.
> 
> Hopefully, you give this letter a thought and start to see things in a different light.
> 
> If I don’t get to hear from you or see you again, I still think it was nice meeting you ….and I wish you well! ♥
> 
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> [My name]_
> ________________________________
> 
> That was it. I wrote what I felt.


Your letter made me feel a little nauseous. (seriously) The fact that you felt you needed to write that, _and send it,_ is a little creepy....after 4 dates in 2 weeks.

Evidently, your date guy doesn't think that the "quality" of the time you were together (even in texting you were together) was very good. He broke up when he blocked you. Maybe he had a gut feeling that he needed to block you so you would leave him alone. Even with blocking you, you didn't leave him alone, you found a way to get through his blockade by _sending him a letter through a friend._

Do you always have to be "right" and have the last word? That won't get you very far in the relationship realm. Once in a while a person has to decide to just let something go and say nothing.


----------



## Adelais

Magnesium said:


> I completely agree.
> 
> I don't understand what would prompt you to send a letter to a man who has cut off contact. To send THAT letter is just ... creepy. I also really don't understand the *oppositional/defiant nature of your responses*. The *tone* of many of your posts feel *combative*, much like those texts. *Unstable* is definitely the vibe I'm getting here.


 @Magnesium is spot on IMO. @lovelygirl. Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Have you ever considered seeing one?

I'm not trying to be mean or cruel, so please don't think that is my motive when I suggest you see a psychiatrist and talk with him/her about your relationship issues, things you have said and done when in and after breaking up, feelings and thoughts you have, etc.


----------



## Satya

lovelygirl said:


> Is it really about the quantity rather than the quality??
> 
> Why does it matter how many times we met?
> He made me feel like no one else before...even when I've been dating someone for 3 months. The intensity of feelings with this guy doesn't come close to those for the other guys, even if I dated them for longer.


 @lovelygirl, I am not trying to belittle your experience, but a relationship that burns that hot so soon is not typical, nor in my experience is it conducive to a long term relationship.

The star that burns brightest, burns hottest, and burns out quickest.

Were you intimate? Even making out is going to start creating bonds with this man, get oxytocin flowing, and make it more difficult to let him go. It's basic biology, even though you see it as something more deep and profound. That's why it's worked on us for millions of years.


----------



## sandcastle

Apparently- lovely girl thinks she is Entitled - to this man just jumping to her beck and call and when he does not?

She reminds him in a letter - after 2 weeks and 4 dates- how really, really special and smart and amazing she is.

Sounds like Mr. Man has options.

And he is looking elsewhere.

Keep on boiling those bunnies-


----------



## sandcastle

So coming back full circle

"I Lost him In Two Weeks-

Makes perfect sense why you lost him in 2 weeks.

14 days and 4 dates.

Cautionary Tale.


----------



## RandomDude

lovelygirl said:


> To be continued..but I want to know your thoughts up to now.
> Did I over-react? Could I have done it better? Could HE have done it better?


I'm afraid I would have to agree with those on his side. Araucaria spelled it out point by point. I won't elaborate.

However at the same time, you mentioned he cuts people out of his life at their first mistake. Trust issues. If it helps, you may have dodged a bullet -> many men with trust issues and hardened hearts are simply not emotionally available. And that I know.


----------



## sandcastle

RandomDude said:


> However at the same time, you mentioned he cuts people out of his life at their first mistake.


How the hell would she know "he cuts people out of his life" after 4 as in four dates over 14 days.

Hey Babe- Ive just met you and I'm warning you I cut people out of my life for just a scintilla of you bugging.

Seems like she did not comprehend THAT memo.


----------



## RandomDude

He mentioned it himself - based on the OP

It's a warning. I do the same thing.


----------



## lovelygirl

sandcastle said:


> How the hell would she know "he cuts people out of his life" after 4 as in four dates over 14 days.
> 
> Hey Babe- Ive just met you and I'm warning you I cut people out of my life for just a scintilla of you bugging.
> 
> Seems like she did not comprehend THAT memo.


He said it randomly in one of our conversations. He was talking about him self and his past life and how he reacts in certain situations..and he said this (followed by few examples).
I didn't like it when I heard as I thought "Oh...he acts this way with others so he might act the same way with me..." but still..I called it a flaw and didn't give it a second thought.


----------



## sandcastle

Then she thought she was too hot to heed that warning.

But- she has made a presence here !


----------



## lovelygirl

Araucaria said:


> Your letter made me feel a little nauseous. (seriously) The fact that you felt you needed to write that, _and send it,_ is a little creepy....after 4 dates in 2 weeks.
> 
> Evidently, your date guy doesn't think that the "quality" of the time you were together (even in texting you were together) was very good. He broke up when he blocked you. Maybe he had a gut feeling that he needed to block you so you would leave him alone. Even with blocking you, you didn't leave him alone, you found a way to get through his blockade by _sending him a letter through a friend._
> *
> Do you always have to be "right" and have the last word? That won't get you very far in the relationship realm. Once in a while a person has to decide to just let something go and say nothing.*


The thing is that in the past I've done quite the opposite of what I did this time.
I've let people go, didn't care if the date ended. Didn't move half finger to make it work and always went on about my own things. My self was always first and never changed my plans for anybody else. Took things easy and never really cared all that much about the guys I was dating. 

This time I realized something new about myself.


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> The thing is that in the past I've done quite the opposite of what I did this time.
> I've let people go, didn't care if the date ended. Didn't move half finger to make it work and always went on about my own things. My self was always first and never changed my plans for anybody else. Took things easy and never really cared all that much about the guys I was dating.
> 
> This time I realized something new about myself.



Probably couldn’t control yourself: it’s normal to do irrational things when infatuated. Don’t beat yourself up - move on.
It’s a good lesson to have that early on.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude

Randomly... means he was waiting for an opportunity to get it off his chest mid conversation but couldn't - so settled with bringing it up randomly. Put two and two together; he mentioned that as a warning, in other words "I simply do not tolerate BS"

Next time, you need to heed the warnings. And not just the warnings they give you, but the warnings your gut tells you. He sounds harsh, and quite frankly I don't agree with others that he's not harsh on himself because you simply do not get to that mental state of mind without being harsh on yourself. He sounds like me in that if he gets betrayed he will take it as his fault, this is why he has this "code" of conduct to cut people out, those who he considers don't meet the mark to fit into his inner circle where he is more vulnerable. It's a developed system, like mine is. From sounds of things me and him could be best mates.

Know that even if you do meet the mark, doesn't even mean he'll let you in. People like him, and myself, may never be truly vulnerable. For me it took years of gaining self-awareness before I realised it. He can give love out, but may not accept love in. Your show of affection, he took it as a show of disrespect. And that's just the beginning. If you had met the mark, became his girlfriend or whatever, chances are that you could be a much worse position.

Move on, you two are simple incompatible.


----------



## john117

Here's a hint from someone with a similar cultural upbringing.

You may find the 'not from here' aspect of the culture he's from exciting, even infatuating. It's natural as it's the unknown.

A serious relationship is built on a lot of common points of reference, not a few carefully selected but awfully thin stretched straws.

You may make it work short term - I did for 25 years - but generally speaking your odds of success are higher if you stick to local products. 

The Balkans - or rest of Europe - are drastically different than Nairobi, Harare, or Tangiers. I too thought that the Estonia to Malaysia (*) gap was small, but 25 years later it became a rather large one. 

Methinks you need lots of introspection to discover what you really want in life, then seek out to materialize it. 

I have daughters your age perhaps and if they drag in some Estonian or Malaysian (*) dude he's going to have to undergo extreme vetting before he even parks in the driveway. 

Missouri residents only undergo the accelerated version  of the vetting process.

(*) Fictional country references, I have lots of Malaysian friends and the food is FML good. Can't even find Estonia on the map.


----------



## lovelygirl

To my suprise and yours...he contacted me yesterday in the morning.
If you're wondering... "Mirëmengjes" means "Goodmorning" in my native language. 
The rest is as follows. 

I'll post some screenshots but it takes time to load so I might post a transcript of the highlights of the conversation a bit later to get the vibe of the situation.
I have removed some parts where he talks about the busy week about his business and the troubles he had (as it's sort of irrelevant to our discussion). 
I have hidden names of people for privacy reasons.

More uploads / transcript to come..


----------



## lovelygirl

_continues...._

Me: Although I didnt know you've been missing me...
He: Been mad at u
He: Doesn’t mean not missing u
Me: I hated the idea that you might never come back....I missed you too.
* He: I would have never came back
He: If u hadn’t said what u said*
Me: I know...that's why I made that step. And even after that letter...I had already lost hopes.
He: *It touched me*
Me: Thank you for reading through those lines and giving it a second thought..
He: And to say sometimes I’m Sorry is saying it all...More than anything else
Me: I know. But someone else wouldve laughed and thrown it away...
He: Not a grown man

....later in the day...

Me: How's your day so far?
He: Fine thanks
He: <Media omitted> (_posted a picture of his meal at home..working infront of the computer_.)
Me: Enjoy.
He: How about u
Me: Im at work. Finishing the last few things before I leave.
He: Going to the gym?
Me: No gym today. Been going 2 straight days. I'll take a break today.
He: Right. U will chill ?
Me: Yeah. No specific plan. ...
Me: If you're still up for our coffee though, let me know before I arrange other plans. 
He: Oh I didn’t meant today dear Lady
(_from the convo I thought he meant it that day. He didn't specify the day so I assumed it was yesterday._
He: I’m working. .I meant tomorrow. I come to pick u up. And we chill at my place. At your earliest convenience
Me: Oh. My bad  I didnt realize you meant it for tomorrow. _(did you find anywhere in the convo where he specified the day? Me no.)_
He: Is it good for u?
Me: Depends. I'll be busy until 6pm. After that it might be okay. I'll let you know depending on my plans.
He: U want to go home and freshen up...or I pick u right at 6?
Me: I'd be better if you picked me up at 7.15. I'll go home for some refreshment. But we'll re-plan it if necessary, as I said.
He: ✔

*ETA: *Later he sends me a picture of his home without electricity. I say I feel sorry that he has to go through another night with no lights.
* He adds: *"*Baby kiss me and touch and tell me you're with me. That's all that matters..*."

And we exchange the _good-night_s


----------



## RandomDude

Hmmm I have to admit LovelyGirl, this is very scary. As a casual experiment, during your next meeting, ask his opinion on these:

- It's not who you trust it's what you trust them to do
- Trust is earned, never given
- Respect is earned, never given
- Forgiveness is earned, never given

Just make up something that you know about someone who reminded you of him based on what he told you about him cutting people out, and want to know his opinion of those principles. His opinion would be telling...

Later, if you two continue, ask him about how he feels about hardening one's heart, you need to find information at this stage. Right now we are grasping at straws and clues not seeing the full picture. We don't know him, you included.

Also based on his texts, seems he believes in a set of morals despite its relativity, and wishes to reward that which he sees as good behavior by others - it's a means of encouragement. Honesty, a trait he values, you shown, which earned his respect. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but his hardness is worrisome, because I know what that led to in my life. If you continue there is a risk, but isn't there always?


----------



## 269370

Cool! When’s the wedding? 🤭 Anyway...you know what to do now: if his generator breaks next time make sure you avoid any indication that you are in any way at all interested in seeing him! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## john117

Maybe the TAM community should pitch in for a Tesla PowerWall as a wedding gift 

He speaks English remarkably well, as do you. If he learned Shqiptar as well the more power to him. Still, extreme vetting before things get serious is recommended.


----------



## lovelygirl

john117 said:


> Maybe the TAM community should pitch in for a Tesla PowerWall as a wedding gift
> 
> He speaks English remarkably well, as do you. If he learned Shqiptar as well the more power to him. Still, extreme vetting before things get serious is recommended.


LOL John. Yeah..I knew some of you would google out there for my native language. haha...


----------



## lovelygirl

But here's the thing....
We were supposed to be meeting today...*at his home apparently.*

Although I wasn't sure that meeting in his apartment would be a good idea as I would fear things might be heading only towards sex and I'm trying to avoid this part for now. I want to know if he got back for the sex or simply because he's still interested in me??

So, he tells me he'll finish late and asks me about my possible availability to meet later.
I didn't want to sound like I would be waiting all day for his options ...so I said let's leave it for another time. 











Did I do well?? Did I push him away??
God knows when we might be meeting now...:|

*At this point, could we have sex or it'd be better to take it slower (regarding sex).
I want to know your sincere thoughts on this please. Will this sexless thing (for now) push him away again??*

Is it my turn to ask for a day to meet or should I wait his?


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> But here's the thing....
> We were supposed to be meeting today...*at his home apparently.*
> 
> Although I wasn't sure that meeting in his apartment would be a good idea as I would fear things might heading only towards sex and I'm trying to avoid this part for now. I want to know if he got back for the sex or simply because he's still interested in me??
> 
> So, he tells me he'll finish late and asks me about my possible availability to meet later.
> I didn't want to sound like I would be waiting all day for his options ...so I said let's leave it for another time.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Did I do well?? Did I push him away??
> God knows when we might be meeting now...:|
> 
> *At this point, could we have sex or it'd be better to take it slower (regarding sex).
> I want to know your sincere thoughts on this please. Will this sexless thing (for now) push him away again??*
> 
> Is it my turn to ask for a day to meet or should I wait his?



No, you did everything fine. Just 2 things: 
1. be aware that you are infatuated and when that happens, all kinds of unpredictable **** can happen. Just take your time and give him enough time & space. If you rush it or whatever, it's probably not gonna work out.
2. Dunno if it's a good idea to ask us here every step of the way: we have absolutely no idea what the hell we are talking about and just here for the ride because saturday is really boring  Just take it as it comes, be yourself, and if he doesn't like you the way you are, then it's better to find this out as early as possible.
Good luck.


----------



## lovelygirl

inmyprime said:


> No, you did everything fine. Just 2 things:
> 1. be aware that you are infatuated and when that happens, all kinds of unpredictable **** can happen. Just take your time and give him enough time & space. If you rush it or whatever, it's probably not gonna work out.
> 2. Dunno if it's a good idea to ask us here every step of the way: we have absolutely no idea what the hell we are talking about and just here for the ride because saturday is really boring  Just take it as it comes, be yourself, and if he doesn't like you the way you are, then it's better to find this out as early as possible.
> Good luck.


Yeah @inmyprime I know it's not normal to ask for every step here ...but I don't know why I feel like a teenager who's never dated before.
I only want this to be a normal dating. It's not even close to normal. Hence, I ask. :|
And probably I might not get far with all this...


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah @inmyprime
> And probably I might not get far with all this...


Why do you say this? Just take it as it comes, don't stress about. None of us have any control over these things.


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm I have to admit LovelyGirl, this is very scary. As a casual experiment, during your next meeting, ask his opinion on these:
> 
> - It's not who you trust it's what you trust them to do
> - Trust is earned, never given
> - Respect is earned, never given
> - Forgiveness is earned, never given
> 
> Just make up something that you know about someone who reminded you of him based on what he told you about him cutting people out, and want to know his opinion of those principles. His opinion would be telling...
> 
> Later, if you two continue, ask him about how he feels about hardening one's heart, you need to find information at this stage. Right now we are grasping at straws and clues not seeing the full picture. We don't know him, you included.
> 
> Also based on his texts, seems he believes in a set of morals despite its relativity, and wishes to reward that which he sees as good behavior by others - it's a means of encouragement. Honesty, a trait he values, you shown, which earned his respect. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but his hardness is worrisome, because I know what that led to in my life. If you continue there is a risk, but isn't there always?


Random, what is actually scary?? What specifically? I am eager to know more in details about how you define "scary" in this context.

Now...let me share something else that he shared with me on our 3rd date. He started talking more about his life...and his disappointment in people and the lack of trust and why he cuts people like that.

He said he was played by some of his competitors in the past and had to spend 5 years in jail. According to him, some of his competitors made up a scene where he'd be accused of using illegal drugs and alcohol and all that was being played behind his back until he had to spend 5 years in jail, even-though there weren't sufficient proofs. (according to him..always).
:|
Now, I don't know the truth or if there's more to the story...but I'm giving him the benefit of doubt. (for now)
He also writes poetry and he used to write a lot of them while in jail. Some of these poems are pretty dark, he said. 

During our conversation about his work, he also told me he fired two employers a few days ago...because, according to him, they took him for granted. He's been working with international artists in the past (Beyonce Usher, R Kelly..etc) and he claims to be someone who has heavy/important connections and network ...so the moment someone takes him for granted, he immediately cuts contact. IMMEDIATELY.

He says, for what he went through, his past has influenced this radical behavior with people around him. :|


----------



## Slartibartfast

Overall, it seems to me that the primary problem has to do with the flawed physical evolution of horses. Wild one are simply not strong enough to pull the stick out of this guy's butt. 

Sorry. When two people of mature age and no longer very malleable are trying to live as one, it's hard enough without everything being an issue or a drama scene or a confrontation before the relationship is even off the ground. There are better things to do with your life and better people to do them with.


----------



## lovelygirl

Slartibartfast said:


> Overall, it seems to me that the primary problem has to do with the flowed physical evolution of horses. Wild one are simply not strong enough to pull the stick out of this guy's butt.
> 
> Sorry. When two people of mature age and no longer very malleable are trying to live as one, it's hard enough without everything being an issue or a drama scene or a confrontation before the relationship is even off the ground. There are better things to do with your life and better people to do them with.


Yeah...seriously. I want something cool, no drama, no scenes...just something where we get along pretty well and enjoy each-other's company. That's it. 
Why is it so hard with this man??


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah...seriously. I want something cool, no drama, no scenes...just something where we get along pretty well and enjoy each-other's company. That's it.
> 
> Why is it so hard with this man??



Maybe you wouldn’t be attracted to a guy who was ‘easy’. Partner selection process is a mystery...
The drug /jail story doesn’t sound right to me. Be careful.
But then it’s been a long time since I have been in these countries and lost touch with how/why they imprison people...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

lovelygirl said:


> Random, what is actually scary?? What specifically? I am eager to know more in details about how you define "scary" in this context.


It's scary because I see alot of me in him, him cutting people out, him reacting to your show of affection, getting mad about it. It's eek!



> Now...let me share something else that he shared with me on our 3rd date. He started talking more about his life...and his disappointment in people and the lack of trust and why he cuts people like that.
> 
> He said he was played by some of his competitors in the past and had to spend 5 years in jail. According to him, some of his competitors made up a scene where he'd be accused of using illegal drugs and alcohol and all that was being played behind his back until he had to spend 5 years in jail, even-though there weren't sufficient proofs. (according to him..always).
> :|
> Now, I don't know the truth or if there's more to the story...but I'm giving him the benefit of doubt. (for now)


Betrayal, I knew it.



> He also writes poetry and he used to write a lot of them while in jail. Some of these poems are pretty dark, he said.


Eek!



> During our conversation about his work, he also told me he fired two employers a few days ago...because, according to him, they took him for granted. He's been working with international artists in the past (Beyonce Usher, R Kelly..etc) and he claims to be someone who has heavy/important connections and network ...so the moment someone takes him for granted, he immediately cuts contact. IMMEDIATELY.


"When you abuse a privilege..."



> He says, for what he went through, his past has influenced this radical behavior with people around him. :|


Of course it has...

Quite frankly, run. 

But that's just me thinking about how I would tell my daughter to run if she brings home... another me!

Too complicated, and you said yourself, it's not what you want. Time for you to take control. Next him.

EDIT: Oh yeah, btw, forget about asking his opinion. It's obvious what his answers are.


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> It's scary because I see alot of me in him, him cutting people out, him reacting to your show of affection, getting mad about it. It's eek!
> 
> 
> 
> Betrayal, I knew it.
> 
> 
> 
> Eek!
> 
> 
> 
> "When you abuse a privilege..."
> 
> 
> 
> Of course it has...
> 
> Quite frankly, run.
> 
> But that's just me thinking about how I would tell my daughter to run if she brings home... another me!
> 
> Too complicated, and you said yourself, it's not what you want. Time for you to take control. Next him.


Ooo...I see then I can ask you questions. :grin2:

I want to show him that I care but yet..I don't want to be imposing or pushy. 
In what way would you want to see this type of reaction from someone like me?

I will not give up until I feel it's not worth fighting for.


----------



## sandcastle

lovelygirl said:


> Ooo...I see then I can ask you questions. :grin2:


Work it!


----------



## RandomDude

lovelygirl said:


> Ooo...I see then I can ask you questions. :grin2:
> 
> I want to show him that I care but yet..I don't want to be imposing or pushy.
> In what way would you want to see this type of reaction from someone like me?


If he continues to be consistent with my suspicions; then know that care and affection no longer computes to him the same way that it computes to you or other "normal" people. It's an attack, something for myself that I learnt to tolerate and appreciate, but it's a trigger. It revolves around the betrayal. Trust. Care, affection, blindness... weakness... I can already guess what's in his poems.

The primary issue I must stress right now, is that you just mentioned that you want a simple relationship. This one, is going to be full of complications.



> I will not give up until I feel it's not worth fighting for.


I know... and that's a freakin' problem!

Depends what you want. Simple, or complex?


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> If he continues to be consistent with my suspicions; then know that care and affection no longer computes to him the same way that it computes to you or other "normal" people. It's an attack, something for myself that I learnt to tolerate and appreciate, but it's a trigger. It revolves around the betrayal. Trust. Care, affection, blindness... weakness... I can already guess what's in his poems.
> 
> The primary issue I must stress right now, is that you just mentioned that you want a simple relationship. This one, is going to be full of complications.
> 
> I know... and that's a freakin' problem!
> 
> Depends what you want. Simple, or complex?


I wouldn't call it a relationship...as I see that with this man...I cannot have a relationship. 

I simply want to be with him as much as possible and I wish he could want me back. I don't want to put a name to this. 
I simply want him to care about me as much as I do about him...about us. 

I want to give him affection without hurting him. There's this part of me...that wants to protect him...sometimes even from his own self. You understand me?


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> I wouldn't call it a relationship...as I see that with this man...I cannot have a relationship.
> 
> I simply want to be with him as much as possible and I wish he could want me back. I don't want to put a name to this.
> I simply want him to care about me as much as I do about him...about us.
> 
> I want to give him affection without hurting him. There's this part of me...that wants to protect him...sometimes even from his own self. You understand me?


Then get him a new generator that works!
'His/her needs' starts from Day1...
Love is a selfish endeavour.


----------



## RandomDude

lovelygirl said:


> I wouldn't call it a relationship...as I see that with this man...I cannot have a relationship.
> 
> I simply want to be with him as much as possible and I wish he could want me back. I don't want to put a name to this.
> I simply want him to care about me as much as I do about him...about us.
> 
> I want to give him affection without hurting him. There's this part of me...that wants to protect him...sometimes even from his own self. You understand me?


Yup, understand you completely, and I've heard such words before more times than I remember. That's how many of my fkbuddies felt, including cuddlebunny who got "promoted" to GF status and even after she ticked every box I dumped her the opportunity I could.

Here's what's most likely to happen, based on what I gather from yours and his personality & expectations:

You want to be with him as much as possible and that will actually make him want you less.
You want him to care when it's no longer his ability to care in the manner of which you speak.
You want to give him affection but that will threaten him, attack him, put him under siege. And he will NEVER, EVER trust in another to protect him.

You two are of two different wavelengths, assuming that his behavior continues to be consistent with my suspicions (I must stress this - as I'm only guessing based on what you wrote)


----------



## RandomDude

Also to his house? Will you be willing to accept being his friend? With benefits? Feel like playing chess with myself reading all this now lol - not saying that's what he's attempting, but seems like it in my perspective.

(CAUTION: I am honest with my intentions with the women I make into FWBs, he *may not be*. He had a break, to himself, and time to think. You do not know his decision when it comes to you)

Also his betrayal... how long ago was this? This is important. You need to know how raw it is.


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> You want to give him affection but that will threaten him, attack him, put him under siege. And he will NEVER, EVER trust in another to protect him.


I'm guessing that he suffers from the fact that people have proven to him that they didn't care about him...so I want to show genuine care whenever it's possible. - without being pushy.

I remember in one of our conversations (before we argued), he asked me something..but I was holding a grudge because I had written him a few messages and he hadn't replied:

A day later, he said "G/morning", I said "Hi".

_He:So when you get up in the morning, don't you like to say hi?
Me: I don't feel like saying GM when I have unreplied messages. I don't feel any incentive to do that.
He: NO INcentive?? I don't need incentive to wish you good-morning and to have a nice day. I just wish you to have a nice day.
Me: How do you feel when your messages don't get replies?
He: I finished at 5am but whatever..if you want to hold a grudge and purposely not want to communicate..because you feel frustrated (without knowing the circumstances), I don't have time to discuss about this.
If I, as a person, am NOT incentive enough for you, to want to say hi and good morning, *then it's clear the level of interest it's not mutual.*..and it's fine. 
Me: You hadn't replied to my previous messages. I didn't want to go overboard with messages, for not being annoying.
He: You're being annoying with this attitude now. DOn't act like you're texting too much. You're just replying my texts. It's not that you're sending me 100 txts a day.
Me: You are misunderstanding me. I do care about you.
He: Really? You have no incentive and no reason to send greetings ...and my question was a general one. To understand YOU, not to misunderstand you. 
Me: I simply don't want to go overboard with messages when you don't reply. 
He: Saying G/morning/ and asking if things are OK, is not going overboard. It's a matter of* CARE.*_. I work late and wake up late..and I barely hear or see from you, until I start. So, to understand, I ask. Now you're telling me you didn't write me purposely. 
_Me: I don't want to fight over this now. I simply assumed you didn't care...so I didn't need to care more. I don't want us to have arguments.
He: Making assumptions is the seed of arguments. You take this and that as signs. As a lawyer, you must give the benefit of doubt.
Me: I have already given you the benefit of doubt by not asking you "Why don't you write...why don't you care..." assuming that you might simply be busy and that I might be having strange thoughts..._
***********************************

So basically, what I understood from our conversation that day, he needs to be shown care. 
I'm trying to show it in minimal doses for not being pushy. 

I don't know how to act though...


----------



## john117

5 years in jail, unless you're a physician looking for the one armed man who killed your wife, is a red flag that would make Chairman Mao and his widow happy. 

Just saying...


----------



## RandomDude

>.< You sound like cuddlebunny, minus the temper, she had a looooooooooooooooong fuse. Poor thing.

Minimal doses? Erm, no... I strongly doubt that's how it works. Like I mentioned, different wavelengths. 

Cuddlebunny earned my trust and my respect, she did this through consistency, proven love and affection. You can NOT think about it, you can NOT calculate it. You simply must be genuine, consistent, and he will figure it out. TIME. Same way he'll figure out if you lack confidence and he will smell it, and perhaps attribute it to you not being genuine. Don't try to play games with him, he'll just get annoyed. 

Now with cuddlebunny, my gut, normally rejecting or suspecting almost ALL women I meet, was relaxed with her. It was strange for me, because she was completely genuine. I could not deny it, I knew it - and I knew she would have to be a perfect liar and actor to convince me otherwise since I pick up on the fine details, my conscious might - but not my subconscious, and I only trust person... me! ^^

It was yay yay yay until the same problem again... vulnerability... eek! I don't like it. A whole year, and reached the same problem I had with my ex-wife. I would be very surprised if his experiences maintained his ability to be vulnerable, if so - I would like to learn from him - but judging by his behavior, doubt it! THIS, is my red flag that I'm picking up from all this.

Now if you want to continue, and persist, than do what cuddlebunny did. But you need to be aware of the risk. @FeministInPink is also dating someone like this (but to a far less severe degree in terms of trust issues), but she's prepared for the consequences. Are you?


----------



## Slartibartfast

..


----------



## happy as a clam

Sorry, but something's really off with this guy. 5 years in jail? Drugs? He was framed? (Sorry, but his jail story doesn't add up). And especially the fact that he says THIS...

*He adds: "Baby kiss me and touch and tell me you're with me. That's all that matters..."*

... just a day or so after BLOCKING you! 

Something's not right with this guy. And these text conversations sound like a ridiculous game of back-and-forth cat and mouse. And you're back to ARGUING via text. Your energy would be much better spent elsewhere.

Ditch this manipulative cad.


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> >.< You sound like cuddlebunny, minus the temper, she had a looooooooooooooooong fuse. Poor thing.
> 
> Minimal doses? Erm, no... I strongly doubt that's how it works. Like I mentioned, different wavelengths.


I posted the conversation above so that you can understand a bit of his temper.
The fact that he was wondering if I wanted to greet or not...made me think that he was actually wondering if I really cared.
That means that he, subconsciously, wants me to care and show it. 
Can you interpret it the same way, judging by that bit of conversation above? 



> Cuddlebunny earned my trust and my respect, she did this through consistency, proven love and affection. You can NOT think about it, you can NOT calculate it. You simply must be genuine, consistent, and he will figure it out. TIME. Same way he'll figure out if you lack confidence and he will smell it, and perhaps attribute it to you not being genuine. Don't try to play games with him, he'll just get annoyed.


Just like he figured the genuineness in my letter, I guess.
*See, his example, could be an exception to the general rule. *
*Most of you here, thought that he'd never come back, but he actually did come back and said what you already read. That he appreciated it and respected it.*
Probably, another man would've thought "yeek, I need to run away from her..." 
But with him I felt I needed to take this step...and somehow I knew he'd appreciate it. My gut maybe? 
He's a guy of details...and he was able to read the_ tone _in that letter ...in the exact same way that _I meant it_.
He didn't think of it as a desperate attitude for him, but rather, as a genuine care for him. Just like I really meant it.

I've never been more genuine in my life so far. I hope he keeps on understanding that. 



> Now if you want to continue, and persist, than do what cuddlebunny did. But you need to be aware of the risk. @FeministInPink is also dating someone like this (but to a far less severe degree in terms of trust issues), but she's prepared for the consequences. Are you?


I don't know what consequences we're talking about here...but time will tell.
I still don't know myself very well...and I'm learning about myself.
As much as I want to keep my integrity, sometimes we go out of our ways, unconsciously. 

I'll see what I can put up with.

Do you think I should write him tomorrow about a possible chill together? Or leave it.
I don't want him to think I"m indifferent....yet, not pushy.


----------



## 269370

His 'trust issues' that he keeps talking about... 

Honestly...this is the kind of thing that guys do a lot: they like to appear 'mysterious' and hard to break etc so that the woman can be 'the special one' to 'earn his trust'...Sorry, but that's part of a shtick...

I don't mean to ruin the fantasy for you while you are infatuated or that he is playing you - I am sure he is genuine...but just that the trust stuff is really a non-issue and not really worth giving it that much thought. Generally, girls like when guys appear tormented and guys generally also know this...I am sure he's a nice guy and cares about you etc - just be careful with his whole drug&jail situation. Like I said, it doesn't sound good at all and if you are a lawyer (?) you probably have a better grasp of what happened to him. It's what is most worrying to be honest. Not sure what he was involved in but it doesn't sound good.


----------



## VibrantWings

.[/QUOTE]



john117 said:


> 5 years in jail, unless you're a physician looking for the one armed man who killed your wife, is a red flag that would make Chairman Mao and his widow happy.
> 
> Just saying...



Just read from the beginning...and gawd that was time consuming (yeah how I spend my Saturday night :scratchhead: )

My first impression:
You want to be a princess and that's how he makes you feel. When the going got rough, you sat up in your tower waiting to have your Prince to drop everything to give you some time. (you would not offer to help him even though he'd been good to you? Sorry that seems wrong to me...)
Perhaps I have misread you but that's not a realistic expectation from an actual relationship. 

Then you send him this letter that strokes his ego....and now it's back on. 

Then it comes out that he's been in prison and made up some sort of whatever that none of it is his fault (he was framed or WTF ever). 

It seems to me that the most important question you have to ask is not on this forum but of yourself:
What the hell does he do that you think it's okay to keep on with him? Be scared of yourself right now because you're not using good sense.
A "bad boy" that makes you feel special. Definitely a recipe for disaster. 

He ain't no prince nor are you a princess. Wake up. You said in the beginning post that you have a tendency to make people you are infatuated with "better" than they are. Guess what? You're doing it again. Listen to yourself warning yourself. 

My words are harsh but I hope they make you rethink some of this. You're young and probably don't realize how this "casual game" of egos can lead to problems in your future.


----------



## john117

Again, I'm giving you the paranoid dad answer rather than the tam poster answer. The two may vary. I assume you're somewhere between 20 and 30, probably 25 to 30. 

First, it's the picker issue. The ability to read people and pick someone special. An outside, mysterious guy from a couple continents away, with a sketchy past to boot and some serious attitude. I understand that. 

But based on your command of the English language I feel you've spent time in college and now live alone. Explore time!! 

I would be rather alarmed if my daughters looked at potential dates with such a casual attitude. I've spent a spectacular amount of money on them and they have much to risk with an unsavory pick. One is first year medical school and the other wrapping up a master's degree and applying for PhD. They have lived outside the house since 18 years old. They never in their wildest dreams would bring this guy home for Thanksgiving. 

You live in a country that isn't conducive to hook ups and casual relationships. It's fine to experiment a bit and see different things and people but, there's risks. As my software people say.... Software is like sex. One mistake and you support it for a lifetime. Or worse.

I would say, find a trusted BFF and tell her an executive summary of what you told us. See what she says. If, that BFF, knowing you well, and the culture, says it's ok to get together with Midnight Express guy then go for it. If BFF freaks out, well....

If you were living in Chicago it would be different. But you aren't. Most American women would run to the nearest convent if someone they're interested in mentioned 5 years in the slammer etc. 

You need a second opinion and serious introspection. You'll make the right decision!!


----------



## 269370

john117 said:


> Again, I'm giving you the paranoid dad answer rather than the tam poster answer. The two may vary. I assume you're somewhere between 20 and 30, probably 25 to 30.
> 
> First, it's the picker issue. The ability to read people and pick someone special. An outside, mysterious guy from a couple continents away, with a sketchy past to boot and some serious attitude. I understand that.
> 
> But based on your command of the English language I feel you've spent time in college and now live alone. Explore time!!
> 
> I would be rather alarmed if my daughters looked at potential dates with such a casual attitude. I've spent a spectacular amount of money on them and they have much to risk with an unsavory pick. One is first year medical school and the other wrapping up a master's degree and applying for PhD. They have lived outside the house since 18 years old. They never in their wildest dreams would bring this guy home for Thanksgiving.
> 
> You live in a country that isn't conducive to hook ups and casual relationships. It's fine to experiment a bit and see different things and people but, there's risks. As my software people say.... Software is like sex. One mistake and you support it for a lifetime. Or worse.
> 
> I would say, find a trusted BFF and tell her an executive summary of what you told us. See what she says. If, that BFF, knowing you well, and the culture, says it's ok to get together with Midnight Express guy then go for it. If BFF freaks out, well....
> 
> If you were living in Chicago it would be different. But you aren't. Most American women would run to the nearest convent if someone they're interested in mentioned 5 years in the slammer etc.
> 
> You need a second opinion and serious introspection. You'll make the right decision!!




Trouble is, the more she hears how dangerous he might be for her, the more attracted she will be to mr trouble (to see if she can make a difference/‘protect him from himself’)- that’s just the way it is. 
I really fear for my daughter when she grows up: how the hell do you deal with this as a dad when you see a train hitting a wall in slow motion and can do nothing about it.
Anyway...maybe it will all work out just fine.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lovelygirl

john117 said:


> Again, I'm giving you the paranoid dad answer rather than the tam poster answer. The two may vary. I assume you're somewhere between 20 and 30, probably 25 to 30.


I'm 30, he's 40. 



> First, it's the picker issue. The ability to read people and pick someone special. An outside, mysterious guy from a couple continents away, with a sketchy past to boot and some serious attitude. I understand that.


Noooo, it has nothing to do with that.
I've also dated 6 other foreigners. HE's not the first. 



> But based on your command of the English language I feel you've spent time in college and now live alone. Explore time!!


I live with my parents. 



> I would be rather alarmed if my daughters looked at potential dates with such a casual attitude. I've spent a spectacular amount of money on them and they have much to risk with an unsavory pick. One is first year medical school and the other wrapping up a master's degree and applying for PhD. They have lived outside the house since 18 years old. They never in their wildest dreams would bring this guy home for Thanksgiving.


Education, has nothing to do with how you'll feel about someone in the future.

I come from an educated family. I myself have studied Law, with a Master's Degree in EU Business Law and currently working as a lawyer and practicing other irrelevant hobbies (singing) in the meantime. I speak 5 languages (Italian, Spanish, French, English) AND my mother-tongue. Have traveled the world and been to places, met people.... I"m very sociable...and so on.
I was raised in a normal family, with high principles and all that. 

So, from what you already know about me and to follow your logic, I shouldn't have kept on chatting with him. 
Practically, things are as we can see. I never thought I'd talk about this either...but here I am.
What I'm trying to say, is that you can never know your daughter's wildest dreams. 
I'm not thinking about bringing this guy home. I just want to have some memorable time with him. I have never felt this way before. 
It's my infatuation taking charge. I'm trying to keep it under control.



> You live in a country that isn't conducive to hook ups and casual relationships. It's fine to experiment a bit and see different things and people but, there's risks. As my software people say.... Software is like sex. One mistake and you support it for a lifetime. Or worse.


Casual relationships are very acceptable. Though the hook ups not so much.



> I would say, find a trusted BFF and tell her an executive summary of what you told us. See what she says. If, that BFF, knowing you well, and the culture, says it's ok to get together with Midnight Express guy then go for it. If BFF freaks out, well....


First off, my girlfriends would judge him from 3 simple superficial facts:
He's a black guy
He's originally from Africa
He's 40 (too much of an age gap for my friends)
He has a kid
****
Let alone if they heard he was in jail.

I CAN NEVER EVER get an objective perspective from my girlfriends. They would call me out on this for subjective/irrational reasons. They would simply be judgemental. So, I know I cannot have a cold reasoning from them. 



> If you were living in Chicago it would be different. But you aren't. Most American women would run to the nearest convent if someone they're interested in mentioned 5 years in the slammer etc.
> 
> You need a second opinion and serious introspection. You'll make the right decision!!


I understand your point of view. But my girlfriends would be the last people to tell about this, right now. :|


----------



## Betrayedone

I can't believe this thread still has legs.........MOVE ON LADY! He's just not that into you! Don't take it personally.......


----------



## john117

You trust your kids early on and let them know what you're expecting. Above all, you set lofty goals for them and that distracts them .

The biggest complement DD1 made to me was when she introduced me to her significant other as "someone who thinks like you". Indeed, he is. Same field as DD1, solid middle class parents, hard working, and a good designer. He's a straight arrow. Drives a Prius. Is passionate about animal welfare.

I'm pretty sure they're planning to elope on me. They have picked the wedding place . This Thanksgiving they're going to his place along with Mies the cat. 

That's the kind of person I would want my kids to date. Not some mystery prince.


----------



## RandomDude

lovelygirl said:


> I posted the conversation above so that you can understand a bit of his temper.
> The fact that he was wondering if I wanted to greet or not...made me think that he was actually wondering if I really cared.
> That means that he, subconsciously, wants me to care and show it.
> Can you interpret it the same way, judging by that bit of conversation above?


Actually I was more talking about your temper, if you show it, he gets annoyed, this isn't the first time.



> Just like he figured the genuineness in my letter, I guess.
> *See, his example, could be an exception to the general rule. *
> *Most of you here, thought that he'd never come back, but he actually did come back and said what you already read. That he appreciated it and respected it.*
> Probably, another man would've thought "yeek, I need to run away from her..."
> But with him I felt I needed to take this step...and somehow I knew he'd appreciate it. My gut maybe?
> He's a guy of details...and he was able to read the_ tone _in that letter ...in the exact same way that _I meant it_.
> He didn't think of it as a desperate attitude for him, but rather, as a genuine care for him. Just like I really meant it.
> 
> I've never been more genuine in my life so far. I hope he keeps on understanding that.


That's a worry, you see, cuddlebunny was just herself, she just IS. It's not like she met me and then decided to be genuine. He'll pick up on it. I was even still suspicious until I met her family, and realised she's just a very simple, genuine girl.



> I don't know what consequences we're talking about here...but time will tell.
> I still don't know myself very well...and I'm learning about myself.
> As much as I want to keep my integrity, sometimes we go out of our ways, unconsciously.
> 
> I'll see what I can put up with.


The consequence is that you will invest in this relationship only to know later that he's not capable of giving you the relationship you seek.



> Do you think I should write him tomorrow about a possible chill together? Or leave it.
> I don't want him to think I"m indifferent....yet, not pushy.


If he is what he says he is, you need to be yourself.

Also, another thing; him saying "As a lawyer, you MUST give the benefit of the doubt"... why is he asking you to give the benefit of the doubt. That's suspicious words.


----------



## RandomDude

inmyprime said:


> Trouble is, the more she hears how dangerous he might be for her, the more attracted she will be to mr trouble (to see if she can make a difference/‘protect him from himself’)- that’s just the way it is.
> I really fear for my daughter when she grows up: how the hell do you deal with this as a dad when you see a train hitting a wall in slow motion and can do nothing about it.
> Anyway...maybe it will all work out just fine.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If my daughter brings home another me...


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> If he is what he says he is, you need to be yourself.
> 
> Also, another thing; him saying "As a lawyer, you MUST give the benefit of the doubt"... *why is he asking you to give the benefit of the doubt.* That's suspicious words.


hm...yeah. It sounded strange to me at first..and still does.

It's like I'm passing all the red flags...not wanting to see them, refusing to listen to common sense and probably not able to accept things for what they are. 
*This is a critic to myself. 

*It's like I try to justify him for no reason when it might be apparent that he might not be that into me, or maybe he used to be...but not anymore.
His comeback will show how he feels about us and I need to follow and listen to my logic, which is now blurred by my emotions. 
I don't need someone to be with me because I want so. I want someone to want _*us*_ because *we* want so.

I have to watch out for his _actions_ as they are the only truth in all this mess.

*ETA*: ...and I'm thinking...why do I need his validation and appreciation? 
I have my own worth, regardless if he thinks I'm worthy or not.
I am not _the values_ that he gives me, but I'm _the values_ that I own. 
We are two in all this, so why it's gotta be only me "fighting" to make it work?

I need to bring back the cold logic in me.


----------



## Satya

@lovelygirl, I really think you should stay away from this man.

With the latest developments, here's what I see:

He's a bad boy that gave you needed attention. You soaked it up and started dreaming/fantasizing about where it would go. Obviously you two were hot & heavy or you would have moved on with no regrets after he first stonewalled you. 

You have your disagreement over text, he stonewalls you. But you take his bad boy bait. You can't walk away and need to send him a letter to tell him what he's throwing away. Again, I do not believe you would have bothered had you not had a physical and emotional attachment to him. In 4 dates/2 weeks, that means that it must have been pretty intense, even without sex. 

He's probably very experienced at playing the "ignore her" tactic. Ever hear the phrase "treat them mean to keep them keen?" This works on women who are very desperate for emotional attachment. Well, you poured your heart into a letter to him, so it worked. He's back in the game. 

5 years in jail, whether he did it or not (and whether he's being honest about the reason or not), is enough to show that he hangs around either a bad crowd or he needs to reassess priorities and friends in life. 5 years (in most countries) is not going to be for anything less than things like sexual assault, burglary, criminal use of a firearm, manufacture/sale of drugs like heroin and meth, the list goes on. 

I am not trying to be hard on you. I am concerned for you based on what you've posted, much as @john117 would be concerned for a daughter, and I think you are going to be hurt. But, I also appreciate that you must learn these things on your own. Doing nothing but heeding the dispensed advice of others robs you of learning about your own values and boundaries.


----------



## SunCMars

john117 said:


> I would say, find a trusted BFF and tell her an executive summary of what you told us. See what she says. If, that BFF, knowing you well, and the culture, says it's ok to get together with Midnight Express guy then go for it. If BFF freaks out, well....
> 
> *If you were living in Chicago it would be different. *But you aren't. Most American women would run to the nearest convent if someone they're interested in mentioned 5 years in the slammer etc.
> 
> You need a second opinion and serious introspection. You'll make the right decision!!


Yes, all people in jail say they are innocent. I am sure a few are [political enemies?]. Most are not.

John and I *agree on this, and many other things, a good post.
My daughters are also very successful and one married a nasty bad boy lawyer, later divorced him.

Except...Chicago?

Really? Chicago?

Gangland City....since Al Capone.
Different ethnic gangs, same crimes.
Goofy big City Administration.

Then again, maybe John is hinting that many in Chicago have long criminal records and have served jail time. Dunno!!

*Oh, John hates the Martian, too!


----------



## SunCMars

lovelygirl said:


> So, from what you already know about me and to follow your logic, I shouldn't have kept on chatting with him.
> Practically, things are as we can see. I never thought I'd talk about this either...but here I am.
> What I'm trying to say, is that you can never know your daughter's wildest dreams.
> I'm not thinking about bringing this guy home. *I just want to have some memorable time with him. I have never felt this way before. *
> It's my infatuation taking charge. I'm trying to keep it under control.
> Casual relationships are very acceptable. *Though the hook ups not so much.*


The 'memorable time with him' leaped off my web page.

I have a wicked imagination and a ganglion of damned damp lusty neurons flipped me out of my chair reading this.
For a Caucasian women, the ultimate relationship, maybe a romp is often interracial. I am sure that it is.

My fear, is the rampant STD's prevalent in Africa. And the culture of promiscuity.
Pardon my lack of tact.

Hidden desire, masked as Lust is an unreliable chauffeur.
It will take you on bumpy roads, laden with pot holes, pit falls.
If there are hairpin curves, that is the one taken.

The ride will be exciting, getting thrown out mid-ride at high speed, will not be.

This sounds like some sort of Neptunian, self destructive urge coming to life into your life. It will pass.
Be careful, tread lightly.


----------



## 269370

Satya said:


> @lovelygirl, I really think you should stay away from this man.
> 
> With the latest developments, here's what I see:
> 
> He's a bad boy that gave you needed attention. You soaked it up and started dreaming/fantasizing about where it would go. Obviously you two were hot & heavy or you would have moved on with no regrets after he first stonewalled you.
> 
> You have your disagreement over text, he stonewalls you. But you take his bad boy bait. You can't walk away and need to send him a letter to tell him what he's throwing away. Again, I do not believe you would have bothered had you not had a physical and emotional attachment to him. In 4 dates/2 weeks, that means that it must have been pretty intense, even without sex.
> 
> He's probably very experienced at playing the "ignore her" tactic. Ever hear the phrase "treat them mean to keep them keen?" This works on women who are very desperate for emotional attachment. Well, you poured your heart into a letter to him, so it worked. He's back in the game.
> 
> 5 years in jail, whether he did it or not (and whether he's being honest about the reason or not), is enough to show that he hangs around either a bad crowd or he needs to reassess priorities and friends in life. 5 years (in most countries) is not going to be for anything less than things like sexual assault, burglary, criminal use of a firearm, manufacture/sale of drugs like heroin and meth, the list goes on.
> 
> I am not trying to be hard on you. I am concerned for you based on what you've posted, much as @john117 would be concerned for a daughter, and I think you are going to be hurt. But, I also appreciate that you must learn these things on your own. Doing nothing but heeding the dispensed advice of others robs you of learning about your own values and boundaries.


100% agree with this. Jus one more thing to add: don't underestimate how difficult it will be to make the 'right' decisions when you are flooded with infatuation hormones. But you need to use your brain and be rational in order to avoid costly mistakes - there's no other way.

In the early days of my career, I used to travel more, for weeks/months and be away from my wife for long periods. Occasionally I would meet someone on the road (usually work-related) and have a few conversations which would become more personal. It happened a couple of times that I would notice that I was actually getting attached to the other person involuntarily (which made me want to spend more time & have more conversations with that person) at which point I would have to be quite extreme and cut off contact with the person. In the beginning, these realisations came sometimes later than I wished as I wasn't sure what was happening to me - I just felt the urge to see the person. (Nothing ever happened physically but I still got attached because I found it hard when i had to leave them behind). I read a lot on this subject (infatuation) and figured out that the only method to avoid this, is to actively prevent it in the first place because you can't control your hormones and they take over the brain eventually. Long story short, the best way to get yourself out of this situation (if you rationally feel that that is the right thing to do) is to focus on his flaws as much as possible and not be physically around him until those feelings pass.
But obviously you have to make that decision in the first place. On the face of it, it does sound like it is likely that somebody is going to get hurt. Do you see a future with him? Have a family? Settle down? Sometimes you need to be pragmatic about those things...
Looking to 'just spend some time with him' is not so pragmatic...


----------



## SunCMars

More on this 'Urge'.

As a member on the Council of Elders, 'Collective Consciousness Endeavors', I beseech you to pause and think.
Powers from Shadowy Realms are pulling you into their web!!

Resist with all your power.

Disclaimer: I am saying this with my tongue-in-cheek. But from an Arcane vantage point, I believe these things.


----------



## ConanHub

@lovelygirl

Just read your OP.

He sounds like a simpering puss.

Sorry you are having trouble. Better to find out he is a wimp after two weeks than later.

Good lord! A woman I'm dating invites me over knowing I'm a mess?

She would be getting some serious attention and might be having a guest overnight!!!

Is he a eunuch?


----------



## RandomDude

ConanHub said:


> @lovelygirl
> 
> Just read your OP.
> 
> He sounds like a simpering puss.
> 
> Sorry you are having trouble. Better to find out he is a wimp after two weeks than later.
> 
> Good lord! A woman I'm dating invites me over knowing I'm a mess?
> 
> She would be getting some serious attention and might be having a guest overnight!!!
> 
> Is he a eunuch?


Considering his home just exploded I kinda understand his priorities.


----------



## RandomDude

SunCMars said:


> More on this 'Urge'.
> 
> As a member on the Council of Elders, 'Collective Consciousness Endeavors', I beseech you to pause and think.
> Powers from Shadowy Realms are pulling you into their web!!
> 
> Resist with all your power.
> 
> Disclaimer: I am saying this with my tongue-in-cheek. But from an Arcane vantage point, I believe these things.


Nay...










>


----------



## ConanHub

RandomDude said:


> Considering his home just exploded I kinda understand his priorities.


Priorities vary but then he doesn't respond for a long time?

Puss.

I would have invited her over to help and visit.

When a woman is showing that much interest, not responding with some reciprocity shows a lack of interest and no commitment.

If you aren't interested or committed, don't date a woman.


----------



## 269370

He was playing hard to get. Or just not caring. Who cares what his reason was?


----------



## john117

The American version of Lovely Girl would have shown up uninvited, secured the explosion site, and as a lawyer, prepared a product liability lawsuit of epic magnitude, then cooked dinner over the embers.


----------



## lovelygirl

ConanHub said:


> @lovelygirl
> 
> Just read your OP.
> 
> He sounds like a simpering puss.
> 
> Sorry you are having trouble. Better to find out he is a wimp after two weeks than later.
> 
> *Good lord! A woman I'm dating invites me over knowing I'm a mess?*
> 
> She would be getting some serious attention and might be having a guest overnight!!!
> 
> Is he a eunuch?


oh...God...see how you understand me!
That's what I was trying to let him know!!
If I am able to like you at your worst...then what's wrong??

Plus, there are other details that I didn't like about him but that I ignored.

A night *BEFORE *the generator issue, he apparently wanted me to go to his apartment he said:
_He: Where are you?
Me: Dancing. Out with friends.
He: You should be here in my arms making love *to me*.
Me: I wish your arms could touch my body now ...as I dance to the rhythm of the music
He: *Come* get those hands then...
Me: *Come* touch my body...
[he then sends me a picture of his sofa...as to say that he's home.]_
And I reply "_Other time then..._" (Meaning that too bad you're not out. Us making love will have to remain for another time.)
Later he asks me: _"Where are you?"
Me: Still in the club. you?
He: In bed.
Me: If you were out we could meet...._
no response from him...

This conversation took place a DAY BEFORE the generator issues where I played the "playful demand" attitude.
And during this conversation (if you remember) he said: W_hen I tell u to be with me u tell me ... u are dancing I should run there.._..._Now I’m telling u I have issues in the house, and you call me worse than woman._

WTF??? He expected me to go to his apartment to make love to HIM?? Am I a sexual escort to run to a man's apartment to give him sexual pleasure??? 
I'm now realizing that the fact that he didn't come to coffee with me (on the day of the generator issue) might not have actually the generator itself ...*but the fact that I didn't go to HIS apartment...to make love to HIM???*

Instead of saying "..make love to *each-other"* ..he says "to *ME*". How selfish is that? 

If he really wanted to be with me, *he should've come to the club, grabbed me from there and take me to his home.* THAT would've turned me on. We either go to your apartment TOGETHER, or nothing. 

Am I wrong to think it this way?


----------



## lovelygirl

RandomDude said:


> Considering his home just exploded I kinda understand his priorities.


C'mon!!! The house DIDN'T explode. 
Only the generator, in the backyard...and it was NOT an explosion. It was just a breakdown.
And an hour of coffee with me wouldn't have fixed the generator anyway.
There's nothing to make a big deal out it, please...


----------



## john117

It's either his place or your (parents) place ...

And maybe Midwestern USA is behind the curve dating morals wise compared to Europe, but I'm quite confident that any guy soliciting my daughters in those terms after 3 dates would be blacklisted faster than Colin Kaepernick in the NFL ...


----------



## lovelygirl

john117 said:


> It's either his place or your (parents) place ...
> 
> And maybe Midwestern USA is behind the curve dating morals wise compared to Europe, but I'm quite confident that any guy soliciting my daughters in those terms after 3 dates would be blacklisted faster than Colin Kaepernick in the NFL ...


It doesn't matter the place per se. It's how he sees that type of relationship.
He wanted me to GO TO HIS place to make love to HIM.

And he didn't meet me for coffee the day after, because I didn't run to HIS place to make love to HIM.

It's all about him.


----------



## john117

That's the idea


----------



## 269370

lovelygirl said:


> oh...God...see how you understand me!
> That's what I was trying to let him know!!
> If I am able to like you at your worst...then what's wrong??
> 
> Plus, there are other details that I didn't like about him but that I ignored.
> 
> A night *BEFORE *the generator issue, he apparently wanted me to go to his apartment he said:
> _He: Where are you?
> Me: Dancing. Out with friends.
> He: You should be here in my arms making love *to me*.
> Me: I wish your arms could touch my body now ...as I dance to the rhythm of the music
> He: *Come* get those hands then...
> Me: *Come* touch my body...
> [he then sends me a picture of his sofa...as to say that he's home.]_
> And I reply "_Other time then..._" (Meaning that too bad you're not out. Us making love will have to remain for another time.)
> Later he asks me: _"Where are you?"
> Me: Still in the club. you?
> He: In bed.
> Me: If you were out we could meet...._
> no response from him...
> 
> This conversation took place a DAY BEFORE the generator issues where I played the "playful demand" attitude.
> And during this conversation (if you remember) he said: W_hen I tell u to be with me u tell me ... u are dancing I should run there.._..._Now I’m telling u I have issues in the house, and you call me worse than woman._
> 
> WTF??? He expected me to go to his apartment to make love to HIM?? Am I a sexual escort to run to a man's apartment to give him sexual pleasure???
> I'm now realizing that the fact that he didn't come to coffee with me (on the day of the generator issue) might not have actually the generator itself ...*but the fact that I didn't go to HIS apartment...to make love to HIM???*
> 
> Instead of saying "..make love to *each-other"* ..he says "to *ME*". How selfish is that?
> 
> If he really wanted to be with me, *he should've come to the club, grabbed me from there and take me to his home.* THAT would've turned me on. We either go to your apartment TOGETHER, or nothing.
> 
> Am I wrong to think it this way?


No but what does 'worse than woman' mean? :scratchhead:
Not heard that expression before...

The whole thing sounds a bit....tiring. :whip:


----------



## lovelygirl

inmyprime said:


> No but what does 'worse than woman' mean? :scratchhead:
> Not heard that expression before...
> 
> The whole thing sounds a bit....tiring. :whip:


Because, in a similar situation, it's more likely that a woman would care how she looks, if she's washed and ironed, if she has to throw food away, clean the house...etc. So, she wouldn't go out cuz she had stuff to do at home. That's a typical woman. And he was acting like one...and even worse.


----------



## 269370

Maybe he thought making love on top of the generator might restart it again? That’s how we used to repair things in my country of origin: bang on it hard and see what happens. 

He’s obviously obsessed with that thing...

There are some power plays going on - do you need it in your life?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Evinrude58

Who says "make love to each other"???
I've never heard that before in my life.

No, you're wrong. Come make love to ME, is normaL.

He was WRONG to expect you to jump at his request when you were out having friends and told them you were doing something with them.... previous obligation....

However, if you wanted the dude, you should r said, hey, I've already obligated myself to go out tonight with my friends, but maybe when I get done I can stop by.... or something...

To be upset for him wanting you to "pleasure him"???? 
That's ridiculous. He very well may have totally pleasured YOU.

I don't know what to think here. You do have some rather selfish attitudes. Making love to HIM???? I don't get your attitude on that at all.
As far as I'm concerned, making love is always, in my mind, a mutual benefit thing.

Why are you looking at things with an attitude of HE is being selfish?

You wanted him to jump and come to YOU, the next day? Why do you mind if he wanted you to come to HIM?

You both sound kinda self centered to me.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

My head hurts. Now, you are angry because he did what you were angry about earlier. Not only does it sound like you are wrong for each other, it seems like you both like to do relationship tests.


----------



## lovelygirl

Evinrude58 said:


> Who says "make love to each other"???
> I've never heard that before in my life.
> 
> No, you're wrong. Come make love to ME, is normaL.


He could've said _let's make love to each-other_.



> However, if you wanted the dude, you should r said, hey, I've already obligated myself to go out tonight with my friends, *but maybe when I get done I can stop by*.... or something...


What?? No way. 
It was HIS request to make love, so let him do the effort.



> As far as I'm concerned, making love is always, in my mind, a mutual benefit thing.


Yeah, I agree it's a mutual thing. Hence, I'd never say "make love to ME".



> Why are you looking at things with an attitude of HE is being selfish?


Because he was not respecting my time with friends,
he wanted ME to make the EFFORT and go to HIS place..to make love to HIM...while I was already doing my own thing.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

Quoting another thread on this site, I think you need to "Agree to disagree" and go your separate ways. Both of you are trying to establish dominance in the relationship.

Unless both of you like drama & enjoy verbal battering of each other, this relationship will run off the road.


----------



## Livvie

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Quoting another thread on this site, I think you need to "Agree to disagree" and go your separate ways. Both of you are trying to establish dominance in the relationship.
> 
> Unless both of you like drama & enjoy verbal battering of each other, this relationship will run off the road.


I agree. **Do you and this man even speak the same native language?**" Make love with or to, geez... Don't read too much into language analysis.


----------



## musiclover

lovelygirl said:


> oh...God...see how you understand me!
> That's what I was trying to let him know!!
> If I am able to like you at your worst...then what's wrong??
> 
> Plus, there are other details that I didn't like about him but that I ignored.
> 
> A night *BEFORE *the generator issue, he apparently wanted me to go to his apartment he said:
> _He: Where are you?
> Me: Dancing. Out with friends.
> He: You should be here in my arms making love *to me*.
> Me: I wish your arms could touch my body now ...as I dance to the rhythm of the music
> He: *Come* get those hands then...
> Me: *Come* touch my body...
> [he then sends me a picture of his sofa...as to say that he's home.]_
> And I reply "_Other time then..._" (Meaning that too bad you're not out. Us making love will have to remain for another time.)
> Later he asks me: _"Where are you?"
> Me: Still in the club. you?
> He: In bed.
> Me: If you were out we could meet...._
> no response from him...
> 
> This conversation took place a DAY BEFORE the generator issues where I played the "playful demand" attitude.
> And during this conversation (if you remember) he said: W_hen I tell u to be with me u tell me ... u are dancing I should run there.._..._Now I’m telling u I have issues in the house, and you call me worse than woman._
> 
> WTF??? He expected me to go to his apartment to make love to HIM?? Am I a sexual escort to run to a man's apartment to give him sexual pleasure???
> I'm now realizing that the fact that he didn't come to coffee with me (on the day of the generator issue) might not have actually the generator itself ...*but the fact that I didn't go to HIS apartment...to make love to HIM???*
> 
> Instead of saying "..make love to *each-other"* ..he says "to *ME*". How selfish is that?
> 
> If he really wanted to be with me, *he should've come to the club, grabbed me from there and take me to his home.* THAT would've turned me on. We either go to your apartment TOGETHER, or nothing.
> 
> Am I wrong to think it this way?


Omg stop over analyzing every single text. Why are you reading so much into this. He wants to have sex. Take a breather my God


----------



## Stillasamountain

happy as a clam said:


> Sorry, but something's really off with this guy. 5 years in jail? Drugs? He was framed? (Sorry, but his jail story doesn't add up).
> 
> Ditch this manipulative cad.


Yeah, but... the Dark Triad is an unholy blend of catnip and crack to some women. I think that's clearly the case here.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Omg I cant believe there are pages and pages of responses here. You screwed up. Let it go. Don't act like that in the future.


----------



## Evinrude58

3Xnocharm said:


> Omg I cant believe there are pages and pages of responses here. You screwed up. Let it go. Don't act like that in the future.


She has no clue what she did wrong, and won't ever see it. I think the guy did some wrong, too. But clearly OP likes to perform **** tests more than she likes to have sex... CLEARLY./


----------



## happy as a clam

lovelygirl said:


> He could've said _let's make love to each-other_.
> 
> 
> What?? No way.
> It was HIS request to make love, so let him do the effort.
> 
> 
> Yeah, I agree it's a mutual thing. Hence, I'd never say "make love to ME".
> 
> 
> Because he was not respecting my time with friends,
> he wanted ME to make the EFFORT and go to HIS place..to make love to HIM...while I was already doing my own thing.


Good grief! Can you not see your EXTREME over-analysis of his texts here?

Who the **** knows what this guy is thinking/feeling/doing? He is manipulative and gets his jollies by playing texting games. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts you're not the only woman he's stringing along with this silly game.

Let it go. You're being had by this cad.

(And by the way, after his jail revelation I highly doubt he's canoodling with Beyoncé, Usher and others )


----------



## sandcastle

IMHO-

Lovely girl is a fraud.

She has hooked a least one catfish here.

Generator failed in his apartment? Jail? Usher?


----------



## cma62

@lovelygirl
Sounds to me like you both have selfish tendencies and are manipulating.

The whole situation is a power struggle between the two of you.

Kind of a shock to know you are 30 and 40

Chalk it up to incompatibility, learn from your mistakes and move on.....life is way too short to be caught up in such drama.


----------



## john117

She's lived a relatively sheltered life in a country that's somehow isolated now and much more back then. 

I went into concerned parent mode because her rationalization was not unlike those I have heard myself when I lived in a similar mentality country in Europe decades ago. 

Here in America we "kick out" our kids so that they launch or fizzle. There, coddling kids is not uncommon. 

Here we take intercultural skills for granted. We've all had an Indian or Korean or what not classmate, co-worker, friend... Over there a guy from Africa is a bit like a Martian. 

Anyhow.


----------



## Adelais

I thought earlier on you said you hadn't had sex with him, yet after you had the text war and made up, he told you to come over and "make love to him." That is very strange. If a man I hardly knew talked to me like that I wouldn't respond back at all. I'd be very insulted.

However, considering your flirty and bossy texts to him earlier, it sounds like he is only responding to you in kind, as if he knows that he can talk to you like that.

Rather than be insulted by what he said, you were angry that he didn't say it right. You said in one of your posts that you would have had sex with him had he been a man and come and gotten you from the club and taken you home.

I believe what another poster believes, which is that you have had sex with him. Was it at a hotel, since you couldn't take him home and you hadn't been to his house? He is treating you like a prostitute, not someone he will do anything to be with.

Are you angry that you are not being treated better after having sex within the first two weeks of knowing him? It seems that your behavior has put you in the "woman to be used when it is convenient" zone, not "woman I want to get to know better and I will do anything to spend another moment with her" zone.


----------



## Louise McCann

I will try to speak as objectively as I can and apologise if you feel offended.

From your posts, it sounds as though you lack emotional maturity and experience in relationships. 

Infatuation means NOTHING. Your feelings can lie to you and will often sabotage your decisions. The reality is you've only met this man 4 times and you simply don't really know him. You have invested a great deal of time and emotions into this shady fella, nit-picking his every word and move. Even after he downright disrespected and blocked you, you still chased him! 

I really think you should give him the axe. There are TOO many red flags - him blocking you, all the arguments this early, his time behind bars, his sleazy texts,... no. I don't recall him ever apologising for blocking you either. You're trying too hard to please him, dear.

He is essentially a stranger whom you have a big fat crush on. This infatuation will pass. Please respect yourself first and cut him out. I believe that you need to have more self-love and should not harp on a disrespectful man you barely know. 

It doesn't sound like you are ready to jump into any relationship at the moment. It is evident from your posts that you are a playful and fun-loving person who I imagine would have a lot of luck with men. However, you also come across as very insecure so I would suggest seeing a therapist if you aren't already. It would help to build your confidence for healthier relationships in the future. 

That said, I love me some drama and secretly don't want this narrative to end.


----------



## lovelygirl

john117 said:


> She's lived a relatively sheltered life in a country that's somehow isolated now and much more back then.
> 
> I went into concerned parent mode because her rationalization was not unlike those I have heard myself when I lived in a similar mentality country in Europe decades ago.
> 
> Here in America we "kick out" our kids so that they launch or fizzle. There, coddling kids is not uncommon.
> 
> Here we take intercultural skills for granted. We've all had an Indian or Korean or what not classmate, co-worker, friend... Over there a guy from Africa is a bit like a Martian.
> 
> Anyhow.


Thank you for your concern and I appreciate it but you should also know that my country is not an isolated one. I think from what you've read on the internet or what you've heard, things are way different now. 
Besides gay marriages, which is illegal, there's no other taboo.


----------



## lovelygirl

Araucaria said:


> I thought earlier on you said you hadn't had sex with him, yet after you had the text war and made up, he told you to come over and "make love to him." That is very strange. If a man I hardly knew talked to me like that I wouldn't respond back at all. I'd be very insulted.


Yeah...I felt a bit insulted but I thought it was just me. Didn't want to put much thought into it. But I didn't go there either.



> However, considering your flirty and bossy texts to him earlier, it sounds like he is only responding to you in kind, as if he knows that he can talk to you like that.


You got it wrong.
The bossy texts were the day AFTER he told me to go make love to him.
That's why he didn't come to have a coffee with me while I wrote the bossy texts. I think the generator was an excuse as he mentioned it. 


> Rather than be insulted by what he said, you were angry that he didn't say it right. You said in one of your posts that you would have had sex with him had he been a man and come and gotten you from the club and taken you home.


I wasn't sure if I really wanted to have sex with him that early in our dating phase...but the chances to have sex would be much higher if he had come to grab me and take me outta there. That gesture could have turned me on.



> I believe what another poster believes, which is that you have had sex with him. Was it at a hotel, since you couldn't take him home and you hadn't been to his house? He is treating you like a prostitute, not someone he will do anything to be with.


WTF????
I have never had sex with him, nor were we ever at a hotel. 



> Are you angry that you are not being treated better after having sex within the first two weeks of knowing him? It seems that your behavior has put you in the "woman to be used when it is convenient" zone, not "woman I want to get to know better and I will do anything to spend another moment with her" zone.


The reason I hadn't had sex with him is that he was not treating me like a woman he wanted to get to know me better. That's why I was trying to avoid sex altogether. I was risking myself to be considered like a convenient zone for him...
That's the vibe I was getting.


----------



## lovelygirl

Louise McCann said:


> I will try to speak as objectively as I can and apologise if you feel offended.
> 
> From your posts, it sounds as though you lack emotional maturity and experience in relationships.
> 
> Infatuation means NOTHING. Your feelings can lie to you and will often sabotage your decisions. The reality is you've only met this man 4 times and you simply don't really know him. You have invested a great deal of time and emotions into this shady fella, nit-picking his every word and move. Even after he downright disrespected and blocked you, you still chased him!
> 
> I really think you should give him the axe. There are TOO many red flags - him blocking you, all the arguments this early, his time behind bars, his sleazy texts,... no. *I don't recall him ever apologising for blocking you either. *You're trying too hard to please him, dear.
> 
> He is essentially a stranger whom you have a big fat crush on. This infatuation will pass. Please respect yourself first and cut him out. I believe that you need to have more self-love and should not harp on a disrespectful man you barely know.
> 
> It doesn't sound like you are ready to jump into any relationship at the moment. It is evident from your posts that you are a playful and fun-loving person who I imagine would have a lot of luck with men. However, you also come across as very insecure so I would suggest seeing a therapist if you aren't already. It would help to build your confidence for healthier relationships in the future.
> 
> That said, I love me some drama and secretly don't want this narrative to end.


The bold is a good point. It never crossed my mind the fact that he hadn't apologized to me.
Yeah I tried a bit too hard.


----------



## john117

lovelygirl said:


> Thank you for your concern and I appreciate it but you should also know that my country is not an isolated one. I think from what you've read on the internet or what you've heard, things are way different now.
> Besides gay marriages, which is illegal, there's no other taboo.


The country is not isolated as it was, but people's mentality will take decades to adjust. My birth country is in the same boat. Even America...


----------



## lovelygirl

That being said,* it's over* now.

Last night at 1.30 AM, I was home and he was out ...on his way home. 
I asked him if he was up for some chilling time today in the evening.
He asks me "What do you call evening?". (_I was wondering with myself "Wtf??? What's this question? Why can't he ask straightly 'what time'?"_)
Anyway, I respond by saying "Whenever convenient for us. 7pm onwards".
He replies "Sounds great". But...no comment, no question where to meet and how.. 
I wasn't replying on purpose to see if he'd go on with the details. But no. Since 1am last night... until 3pm today...no reaction from him.

I was fed up and I wrote him back today saying: *"Just as I was free to care for you, I'm still free to walk away from you. And I'm choosing to leave this time. Thank you for your silence. It says a lot."*

Right after this, he replies "From planning to meet me, to now choosing to leave? You don't know what you want. It took you 10 hours to reply to me when you were in the club".

I didn't reply after this. My intention was to say those words and leave. It was not worth it. So, I blocked him right away.
He then sent me a SMS on the phone saying that I was a spoiled brat, a coward and impatient and that it was a mistake of him to read my fake letter.

LOL. Really??? You telling me I didn't respond in 10 hours while YOU didn't respond to me on that very same day for 12 HOURS when I asked you how your day was??? REALLY?? 
And even if it took so long for him to respond, I passed it. Didn't want to nag or say anything.

If a man takes it easy to meet me and doesn't plan ahead to do things for and with me...then why over-do things for him?
Lesson learned, hopefully.

p.s. I even updated my FB profile picture, with my text and a photo of mine that suits to this moment ..and left it public. 
http://i65.tinypic.com/11ugg9c.jpg

lol. He has forgotten to block me on FB. (or left it purposely, don't know.)


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## happy as a clam

Well, that last text from him certainly seals the deal: 

CERTIFIABLE NUT JOB.


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## MrsHolland

happy as a clam said:


> Well, that last text from him certainly seals the deal:
> 
> CERTIFIABLE NUT JOB.


CERTIFIABLE NUT JOB's 

All sorts of dysfunction on both sides.


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## Don't Panic

Beautiful photo! Consider all the drama a lesson learned...way too much work. Enjoy the next guy.


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## Evinrude58

You two are made for one another.

You both measure time to see who will break the text return stalemate first.
You both get emotional and hurt at the slightest perception of an offfense.
You both love drama....
You both adore **** tests.

Your comments about him wanting sex, so he should make the effort....
About you getting "turned on" by him coming to get you.....

You want some guy to spend incredible time courting YOU, making sure YOU are show. How much he values YOU, and want him to make an extra effort for YOU.

Few people can sustain the level of attentiveness that you likely need. They can at first, if they're crazy about you...

I suspect it's going to be tough for you to find a man to keep.


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## ReformedHubby

I didn't want to say anything in this thread...mainly because I thought the advice you were getting in the beginning wasn't very good. I would have taken your behavior as too clingy and controlling given the time you've known each other. I think a lot of other people would feel the same way in that situation. With that said chemistry is a funny thing...if you're into somebody something that you would find annoying from someone else, might not annoy you at all from them. In fact you might even find it funny. If you're both annoyed with one another at this phase, its not a match, and there isn't anything wrong with that. It doesn't mean that anyone has issues, it only means you're not compatible.


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## lucy999

Please on everything that is Holy, do not send him another goddamn letter! This was a ****show from the beginning. On BOTH sides. He's a P-L-A-Y-A-H (Beyonce?? Usher??!! Riiiight). and you sound entitled.


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## Bonkers

I read this whole thread and I'd like to offer the following. 

I just finished reading a book called "Attached" that talks about the 3 different personality types and how they interact in relationships.

Secure, Avoidant, and Anxious.

The Op is Anxious personality type. When she finds a guy she's attracted to she latches on immediately and looks for signs that the attachment figure is pulling away which makes her immediately cling on even more tightly, which causes her target who is obviously Avoidant, to pull back even more. The cycle continues until the inevitable demise of the potential relationship. The avoidant is left thinking "I dodged a real bullet, she was a stage 3 Clinger!" while the Anxious is left thinking why do all the good ones just disappear?

In this particular case it was a no-go anyway. The guy has a criminal record and the age old "I was framed" BS excuse.

"IF" it's even worth pursuing a relationship with a convict, then you GOTTA do your homework. Background checks, ask for all information regarding his criminal case so you can study it, speak to friends, relatives, etc. Don't just take his word for it that he was innocent, that's insane.

But it's not really about this guy anymore, he's history, regardless of whether or not he was guilty of whatever crime put him behind bars for a whopping 5 years. 

It's about the Op and her anxious personality style. This needs to be addressed or you'll lose all the good ones.

Start by being aware of your compulsions. Next time don't focus on the one person, continue to live your life, date others, until and unless you are at a point of stability and commitment. Otherwise you'll find yourself counting the minutes and hours between texts and hyperanalyzing every word and punctuation mark for it's deeper meaning which will get you nowhere fast, especially when you respond by playing the silly passive aggressive games including "I won't make definite plans with you since you didn't call me within the acceptable time frame". 

You need to realize that the guy didn't give this stuff 1/1000 of the time and effort you did.


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