# 4 different categories of exes



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

:bringiton:
So I have been on TAM for a bit now, and I have noticed that there seem to be 4 different categories of exes:

1. Exes who cut their spouse out. They don't answer texts, calls, only have minute interactions if they have to about the kids. They treat you like a stranger despite all the history. Complete personality transplant exes, a-hole exes, if you will

2. Exes who string their spouse along, but really knowing there is no change of reconciliation. They give mixed messages (unless it's the other spouse who just reads into it too much due to devastation). Lets call them 'limbo' exes, or attention seeking exes, or mind f*ck exes

3. Exes who are decent. Exes who are friendly for the sake of the kids. Exes who are trying to be mature despite the pain. Exes who communicate about things which need communication about. 'Adult' exes

4.Exes who are still close friends. Exes who wish it worked out, but know better and cut their losses. Exes who still care about their ex-spouses, enough not to go jekyll/hyde on them. Exes who we still respect, despite the circumstances.

I would like to learn now about the cause-effect part of these exes. Could you guys share your ex type and the cause behind your split? Who initiated? I'm curious if I can see more patterns. It's good to learn about these things. Thanks!

I'll start this off: my ex: type 1 complete a-hole. Cheated, left, still with OW. Ignores any attempt at communication. Doesn't help with the kids, only shows up on his days. Nothing else. Treats me like a stranger. Mind blowing.

Your turn:thumbup:


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what about 

5) exes who are abusive and you run away from


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes. 5. Abusive exes you need to get away from. Exes who scare you. Exes who might show up at your next wedding with a gun. Violent exes. Exes who should be exes, or shouldn't have been at all. What the hell was I thinking exes.
Good point Almost Recovered!


----------



## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm looking at your list and figuring out what type of ex *I* want to be.

Looking at #3 for me.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Wow, that would be great. If you have kids, especially for them. That's what I'd like to be. Not friends, I couldn't, but friend-lish for the sake of the kids. Can I ask what your reason for the 'ex' bit? 
Looking for cause-effect links.


----------



## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Honeystly said:


> Wow, that would be great. If you have kids, especially for them. That's what I'd like to be. Not friends, I couldn't, but friend-lish for the sake of the kids. Can I ask what your reason for the 'ex' bit?
> Looking for cause-effect links.


My story starts here and is continuing here. Basically, my STBXW felt disconnected from me and wanted out. I thought continuing to work on it was a good idea, but it isn't what she wants, so we have to move on.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

:ezpi_wink1:
EADGBe, you really are being mature about this. I'd spit the dummy under your circumstances. Hah, I'd also move where you plan... just to piss her off! But that would put me out of category 3 of exes....
I'm impressed with your maturity and concern for your children.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Ex...1, 2 and 3. Still trying to figure out why he left after 22 years. Not any real big issues. Bored, tired, grew differently....who knows??? Never talked to me. 

What about mid life crisis....where does that fall into the categories?


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Sad, every time I read about your situation I picture ex2. Reasons behind it are unknown to me as an outsider, but it seems that he doesn't know what he wants or if he wants out he lacks the resolve (read balls) to actually just be honest. He hurts you more that way, because rather like a band aid, he prolongs your suffering and gets in the way of your recovery.


----------



## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> Sad, every time I read about your situation I picture ex2. Reasons behind it are unknown to me as an outsider, but it seems that he doesn't know what he wants or if he wants out he lacks the resolve (read balls) to actually just be honest. He hurts you more that way, because rather like a band aid, he prolongs your suffering and gets in the way of your recovery.


Yeah....Its harder to see your own situation but someone on the outside looking in sees it more for what it really is. I think I am pretty much done with the mind games though. Too exhausted really. :sleeping:


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Type 6: "Missing", report filed, no one has a clue. Dirty shovel in the trunk of your car.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

:rofl:Hahahahaa! HA


----------



## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> what about
> 
> 5) exes who are abusive and you run away from



This type of ex that makes all other exes seem normal.:scratchhead:


----------



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

STBXH = #1 
Me = #3

From my perspective, #1's make #3's frustrated and cause unnecessary pain and stress. 

My #1 left me for posOW. As far as I know, they are still together.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> 1. Exes who cut their spouse out. They don't answer texts, calls, only have minute interactions if they have to about the kids. They treat you like a stranger despite all the history. Complete personality transplant exes, a-hole exes, if you will


This is me.
When I`m done with you I`m done with you.

Life is much easier with this attitude as it leaves no room for drama.


----------



## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

My ex is #2 I am #3 and both of us are struggling to achieve #4.


----------



## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

well i think i am a 3 and 4, my other ex is a 3 and 4, now my estranged is a 5 and i'd like to be working on being a 6 with him.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'd be a #1, except I have to be a #3 because me ex was a #2 who thinks she's a #4.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

oh, wow everybody... this is getting complicated


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

My STBXH has gone through all 5 of them, until he found his new gf. Now he has settled comfortably in 1, which I would be grateful for EXCEPT the fact that we have children. I've been begging him to be a 3 for their sake, but silly me. Now he's trying to get physical custody of them.

I admit I've had some moments, but I've always hovered around 3 or 4. NEVER a 2. I probably have had some 1 moments. Honestly, at this point, I just want a divorce, my boys, and he can be a 1 all he wants.


----------



## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

I am working on 3 and hopefully be a 4 ex in the future. Found out nearly 3 weeks ago my wife is having an Affair and wants to separate. Due to our daughter and financial reasons we are staying in the house together for a while, up to one year. This is tough but I am working on it really hard.


----------



## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Mine is a combo, 1 and 2. He cheated for 13 years with same ow and recently left to be with her. He can be a complete ******* but he also likes to string me along and f#ck with my head telling me its hard to let go and he questions his decision and how he'll always love me. He wants me to continue to be his back up plan.

However he never ignores any communication attempts. He's actually better now with our son.


----------



## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Dealing with #1. As soon as I moved out, I never heard from him unless I contacted him. Got a generic text once. That is all. Have not spoken since moved out, he says it's for "obvious reasons"


----------



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

My ex is a cross between #1 and #6, without the shovel. Just missing. Not positive where he is living or with whom. Neither are his parents. None of us have heard from him since he left. In my case, he is running away from himself, or so he thinks. His parents and I reflect who he is, and he doesn't like what he sees, so he runs. Runs from responsibility (hasn't paid one bill or even gotten his mail, etc.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

#3 & #5 describes my ex wife perfectly.

Does an emotionally abusive ex that censors your emotions to her liking and blame you for her affair (or what her daddy did to her as a child) count as #5?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex and I are both number 4's. We started at number 3 but now 2 years down the track are 4's.

I am sure it is because we had no adultery, gambling, abuse or other major issues that we can now maintain a friendship. We were together for 17 years but our marriage came to its natural end. While the pain was incredible at the start we both kept in mind that we have 2 wonderful children that deserve parents that put them first.


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

My Ex is #2

She left our marrital home 3 times, I went totally cold the third time she went, last weekend turned up for sex.

Still dont know what she wants, to be honest I dont think she does.


----------



## silent_bob (Jul 7, 2012)

after a month separated we both started as "4", moved into "3" as a reality check, then back into "4". similarly to others, no adultary but problematic areas of the marriage - my causation, but am hopeful that should i loose my wife i can keep my best friend (yes i did write that)


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Currently my ex is "2" and I am "3" but sometimes I feel like going "1" to escape the mind f%#king.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Well, I see a pattern emerging here. The cheaters tend to be #1,5,6 which is shocking. They are the ones who hurt their spouses and yet they are the *********s. Other #1 are those running away from marriage, responsibility, reality, really.
The marriages without betrayal seem to be able to be civil and eventually slip into friendships, although they go back and forth a bit. I don't believe it's possible to slip into comfortable friendship right away. First friendship must be just a little masking your true feelings in hope of reconciliation, no? Marriage that reached it's natural end have a hope of respect and friendship. Exes know each other and still care in a friendship way. 

The conclusion I'm drawing here so far is fairly obvious but it's this: if you don't want to have a s*hit time, or lifetime of sh*t with dealing with your ex, then tell your spouse, leave the marriage, heal, retain dignity and respect THEN move on with somebody else. 
If you do want to have a sh*t time with your ex, move on with somebody else, THEN tell your spouse after the fact. 
Or another way:
Use your head and go about things a decent way, in the right order, especially if you have kids. Thanks for your replies, keep them coming!


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're forgetting their side of the sh!tty situation. The cheater who has an affair and leaves the faithful spouse for the AP has all their chips riding on the affair lasting. When things don't work out and that once perfect person turns sh!tty they have a sh!tty time and feel like sh!t knowing they can't go back to either without a megaton of sh!t. That's why a lot of cheaters turn to suicide when things fall through.

Also, as I found out when you do see the signs of them pulling away and cheating. The absolute worst thing you can do is try to change their mind and 180 to impress them. They know you love them and probably always will, it's up to them to get treated like sh!t by others who won't put up with their sh!t before they realize they seriously lost out.


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> You're forgetting their side of the sh!tty situation. The cheater who has an affair and leaves the faithful spouse for the AP has all their chips riding on the affair lasting. When things don't work out and that once perfect person turns sh!tty they have a sh!tty time and feel like sh!t knowing they can't go back to either without a megaton of sh!t. That's why a lot of cheaters turn to suicide when things fall through.
> 
> Also, as I found out when you do see the signs of them pulling away and cheating. The absolute worst thing you can do is try to change their mind and 180 to impress them. They know you love them and probably always will, it's up to them to get treated like sh!t by others who won't put up with their sh!t before they realize they seriously lost out.




I beleive this is where my wife is at, shes being reasonable with me, and even though she hasnt said so in so many words - she may want to come back.

Which, if I allow it, leaves me in Synths shoes.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

donkler said:


> I beleive this is where my wife is at, shes being reasonable with me, and even though she hasnt said so in so many words - she may want to come back.
> 
> Which, if I allow it, leaves me in Synths shoes.


Don't get your hopes up. Some cheaters will intermittently flirt and show you signs of wanting to reconcile just to have you treat them special and boost their ego while they pull away. Even if you don't want her back you need to 180 and ignore her until.


----------



## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Don't get your hopes up. Some cheaters will intermittently flirt and show you signs of wanting to reconcile just to have you treat them special and boost their ego while they pull away. Even if you don't want her back you need to 180 and ignore her until.


Yeah, thanks, I have been there before mate.
Its all rather sick.


----------



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Nsweet, so your ex wife tried to come back? From the other thread I am gathering that her 'relationship' fell through... What's up with her now? Is she treating you better? Is SHE suicidal? very curious.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She hasn't tried to come back yet, and I don't want to talk to her except maybe on her birthday in january. She gets very depressed on her birthday. Based on her posts online, without resorting to hacking her email, and the psychological process behind her decision here is what I put together. 

I know she's going to break up with the OM soon because she's already hinted that he's let down her expectations on FB. She deleted him once and then refriended him after posting how "women should be treated romantic by their man and made to fall in love with him every day". This is eerily similar to what she posted of me two years ago that led him to leech on and begin qualifying himself as a better option. 

She's looking for another online and visiting the dating site almost daily without him knowing. They were members of the sight early on and have free accounts. They used to talk underground there almost daily. There she posts in her looking for about searching for the one who will always treat her special and how she's been hurt by guys pretending to care. This is not a psychological stable person mind you but a typical person meeting the criteria of borderline personality disorder.

She's started pulling away from him as of lately and looking to make more money on her own. I know she only does this right before a breakup based on her actions with me and stories about previous exes. Unfortunately she's involved herself in a Multilevel Marketing or legal pyramid scheme that covers their true Ponzi plan as a legal business selling an alternative to coffee as a miracle supplement. Only anyone with half a brain can see their true nature is selling memberships and training tools from Napoleon Hill. 

I've probed this sites buisness practices and found them to resemble a money making scams like Mary Kay and Vitalife, except these people have a cult like following overlooking the very dangerous criminal running the show. After reading countless stories dating back to October 2010 I predict she will meet the same fate as thousands of others. She will be sucked in after the initial profit return avg 10k in the first six months, but lose more than she bargained for within a year after the "downline" dries up.... As all pyramid schemes do for the distributors. 

Sorry I got a bit off topic.

Hopefully she will swallow some of that heaping pile of pride she carries and move back home near the family she snubbed for the AP and get away from that obnoxious jerk. She's working a middle class job in one of the most expensive cities in the US and living pay check to paycheck with her frivolous expenses. I can see being friendly to her over time but I don't want to have anything romantic to do with her, unless that involves a revenge lay and sending pics to him:rofl: JK


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is me.
> When I`m done with you I`m done with you.
> 
> Life is much easier with this attitude as it leaves no room for drama.


This is who I would like to be. But we have kids; one of which will likely we in our shared custody till be both die. (Mental disability.) So I vascillate between 1 and 3, and so does he, depending on what we have done to annoy each other lately. 

I don't accept his infidelity or the other slimey stuff he did. He doesn't accept that I don't have to care what he thinks anymore. His choice to divorce. My choice to not fake a friendship with the person whose choices split my kid's home. I can't call that person a friend, no matter what we had in the past.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

tacoma said:


> This is me.
> When I`m done with you I`m done with you.
> 
> Life is much easier with this attitude as it leaves no room for drama.


This is who I would like to be. But we have kids; one of which will likely be in our shared custody till we both die. (Mental disability.) So I vascillate between 1 and 3, and so does he, depending on what we have done to annoy each other later. 

I don't accept his infidelity or the other slimey stuff he did. He doesn't accept that I don't have to care what he thinks anymore. His choice to divorce. My choice to not fake a friendship with the person whose choices split my kid's home. I can't call that person a friend, no matter what we had in the past.


----------



## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

Mines the type #1. No cheating though. I was sick of his emotional abuse and negativity, and the lack thereof for planning for the future. I had many friends that told me to wake up and smell the coffee but it was too late cause I was already pregnant. Glad I left STBXH so my toddler will have minimum exposure to that.


----------



## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

If I had to pick one, it would be 2.

I still to this day have no clue why she walked out the door. The most I ever got out of her was that it was 70% her and 30% me on why she wanted a divorce. 30 days later I was divorced.

*shrug*

Pretty hard to move forward after hearing that, and I guess I will go to my grave never really knowing. Tough to think about sometimes.....


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> This is me.
> When I`m done with you I`m done with you.
> 
> Life is much easier with this attitude as it leaves no room for drama.


And this is the EXE that can have better boundaries in their new marriage.


----------

