# Dating after divorce



## NY2018 (Mar 12, 2018)

I'm sure this topic is a whole forum I might be missing. If this is in the wrong place tell me where it's better. Back story, divorced from a short violent (words, emotions, actions) marriage that shouldn't have happened. It's taken 5 years to work through the emotions and begin to put myself out there again. I met someone last year in an exerise group. 

We went our ways until the middle of February. I got back in contact because i need to stop pushing people away, but she asked me out first. She's been divorced about two years. We're both working on breaking down walls. 

We text often, and the conversations go well there, but when we've met in person (twice) they've kind of been stale, and it's very much that I don't think I have much to talk about. Question is am I over thinking this or how much longer could I expect her to keep trying? How slow is too slow? Ha. 

Thanks.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NY2018 said:


> Hello, returning here for some advice please.
> 
> Back story, divorced from a short violent (words, emotions, actions) marriage that shouldn't have happened. It's taken 5 years to work through the emotions and begin to put myself out there again. I met someone last year in an exerise group.
> 
> ...


Have you dated anyone else since the divorce? Do you converse well w/ other people in person, i.e. is this a text-vs-f2f problem?

She'll decide when to stop trying, you don't need to decide for her. It sounds like you're both open about your issues. If you decide you're not ready to date or she isn't right for you, let her know(kindly) and don't string her along.

Counsellors don't have a magic wand, but if it's been 5 years and you aren't dating yet a counsellor might be able to help you figure out what is stopping you and when you're ready.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Switch from normal dates (dinner/drinks/movie) to a fun activity and they won't be stale and you'll have an opportunity to interact with less perceived pressure. For example go mini golfing.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's a subforum on TAM called Life After Divorce, that you might want to post in. 

Part of your problem is you're texting too much. When that happens you have less to talk about in person and she'll has less interest in seeing you to catch up. In general just use the phone to set up your dates and then get to know each other in person. 

If you want your interactions to not be stale you need to plan activity dates instead of meal/drinks. What are you currently doing for your dates? 

I'm guessing that you might need to work on your dating skills. Have you dated much in your life or do you need some pointers? What time frame are you interested in with her? Do you know how to tell if a woman is romantically interested in you by recognizing indicators of interest?


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## NY2018 (Mar 12, 2018)

Thank you for replying Bananapeel. I may need a few pointers. I can be dry and quiet because I don't know what others might find interesting about my day. 

First date was axe throwing then dinner. I suggested yoga and lunch as a second, but it had to be changed to brunch. It ended with an awkward hug and a "thanks for hanging out". Any thoughts?

What do you mean by time frame? 

I have been slow to pick up on interest in the past, but picked up on her interest because she asked me out this time. Has it gone already? Am I over reacting? How long do I wait to get in contact again, or do I let her go first?


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## NY2018 (Mar 12, 2018)

Thank you for replying. I may need a few pointers. I can be dry and quiet because I don't know what others might find interesting about my day. 

First date was axe throwing then dinner. I suggested yoga and lunch as a second, but it had to be changed to brunch. It ended with an awkward hug and a "thanks for hanging out". Any thoughts?

I have been slow to pick up on interest in the past, but picked up on her interest because she asked me out this time. Has it gone already? Am I over reacting? How long do I wait to get in contact again, or do I let her go first?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

OP, I have merged your two threads. Please do not open multiple threads on the same subject matter. Thank you.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I have lots of thoughts. An activity date is always a good choice, because conversation can be playful and not just going over the resume. So good job on that! 

As far as a hug after a second date goes...well, that's a deal killer. Do not go out with her again! You should always get at least a kiss on the first date and escalate on the second date. If those don't happen then she isn't really attracted to you and you are wasting your time/money on her. Remember the point of dating is to find someone that you share a mutual attraction with and someone that really wants to be with you. Her behavior shows a lack of interest, so recognize it and pull back from her. The only exception to seeing her again is if she initiates contact. In that case just invite her over to cook dinner and share a bottle of wine (tell her you'll cook and she brings the wine). If she gives a counter offer for an activity, only go if she is paying. Otherwise tell her you've had a busy week and are looking forward to just relax casually at home, and she's welcome to come and hang out with you there. Basically, what this does is just matches your interest level to hers. For example, if she shows high interest then you take the lead and plan something awesome. If she shows low interest you hang back and do as little as possible and spend as little as possible, until she changes her mind and demonstrates she's worth more of your attention. 

Another point for you is you are spending too much money on her. An activity plus a dinner is $$$. Keep the first few dates cheap and only if you two really hit it off should you consider a more expensive date that includes dinner. I assume she didn't pay when she called to ask you out...is that correct? 

You should google "indicators of interest" and do some reading. You can easily spot whether a woman is into you or not. Always look for these cues and if she is displaying low interest then stop asking her out and wait for her to reach out to you. Whether that takes a day, a week, a month or never, doesn't change the strategy. Remember you can't make someone like you, so give them the space to show their interest at whatever speed they are comfortable with. 

I highly recommend reading Corey Wayne's book 3% man and watching some of his videos. Also, date lots of people until you feel comfortable dating. Dating is like any other skill and practice makes better.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Well, are you interested in her or only going with the flow because she is the only light in the tunnel?

First.. if you want her, you need to be a little more active in the attraction/desire area.
If you dont, then you need to be more active in your general attraction towards women to increase your options

Keep doing 'action' dates (doing things vs. sitting chatting)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

IMHO this has nothing to do with your divorce, you two simply didn't click all that well. 

Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. That is what dating is for - to find someone you click with and get to know then to see if they are a match for you or not. 

One of the take-away messages here is hitting it off electronically (ie text, email, social media etc) is not always an indicator of how compatible you are in real life.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> IMHO this has nothing to do with your divorce, you two simply didn't click all that well.
> 
> Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. That is what dating is for - to find someone you click with and get to know then to see if they are a match for you or not.
> 
> One of the take-away messages here is hitting it off electronically (ie text, email, social media etc) is not always an indicator of how compatible you are in real life.


I found that the people I clicked with most on test was a disaster in real life but for me personally i am much more comfortable face to face, my current GF is same she is a terrible texter and if i had met her on an App and not in real life first we never would have gone out to begin with. In person she is amazing and we have great chemistry


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

NY2018 said:


> Thank you for replying Bananapeel. I may need a few pointers. I can be dry and quiet because I don't know what others might find interesting about my day.


From this, it sounds like you might not be the best at picking up women. If conversation doesn't come naturally, then it's tough to start cold. Instead, engage in activities you enjoy and see who you gravitate to. Even if there aren't any women, get more involved in activities anyway. The friendships you form always create the possibility of getting introduced to their friends. So if you like axe throwing, join a league. If you like yoga, go to yoga classes. 

However, one caveat about going to exercise classes or activities is that you can't be creepy or overbearing. People go to them to have fun and don't want to deal with someone hitting on them if they don't want it. So just engage in occasional, light small talk until there is clear interest. If the other person never starts the conversation or engages, take that as a clue they are not interested. There's no rush to move things along. You'll see the same people over and over at the activity and there's plenty of time to get to the next level if it's going to happen.


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