# I hope this isn’t weird to ask...



## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex! 

I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...

1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one? 

2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?

3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?

4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?

5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours? 

6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble. 

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol

Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

 All of this is totally messed up and it upsets me too much to even answer you. Your husband is a ****wit.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

*I hope this isnt weird to ask...*

I always felt things were a little off sex wise, or at least could have been better. I’m just not sure how much of my “icky” feelings were me being weird about things or if I just genuinely have a terrible sex life. I just don’t want to be going around with unrealistic expectations and constantly being confused and disappointed once this divorce thing is all worked out. Sometimes the grass isn’t really greener, ya know?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It sounds horrific to me. I can’t even...

Others will come with more support soon I’m sure. @Lila is around I think.

You are probably going to get some two by fours, so buckle up. My take, get your little kids and yourself out of there. What you are describing is going to set into your children’s psyche about what relationships are like. They deserve better, even if that means you are single for a while or a long time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hi,

1. Yes, and you would definitely know! 
2. Depends, but 3x is a pretty good amount, especially considering your husband sounds pretty bad. 
3. Holy ****. Don't do something that hurts. You are probably damaging yourself. Some women enjoy it but they have caring partners who make sure they are physically prepared for it, and are CAREFUL.
4. No that's not normal. Your husband is a brute.
5. I'd say 15, given the fact that I'm inferring what an ******* your husband is and what kind of horrible sexual dynamic he's providing you.
6. Your husband sounds abusive.
7. None of that happens when giving oral to a caring partner!

I'm not the first who will say, I'm very glad to hear you are removing yourself from this marriage!!!





HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

You cannot get away from that POS quick enough.

Hopefully you will meet a man later that will be a wonderful, caring lover...and then you will know what you have been missing all these years.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...


1) Yes. You will feel like someone riding a huge roller coaster for the first time and thinking it was so fun that you want to go again!

2) Anywhere to multiple times a day to once or twice a month. Most long term relationships settle around 2-3 a week. 

3) You should just say NO to anything that hurts. Sex should not hurt or cause pain. 

4) That is NOT OK! You should be able to say NO and be respected.

5) There is no standard answer for that question. From foreplay to a cuddle afterwards might last an hour. Penetration may only be 5-15 minutes of that. 

6) Totally normal. Unfortunately doctors and pharmaceutical companies try to profit from that. 

7) Oral can be a pleasurable part of sexuality.

@HorseShowMom it sounds as if you are married to someone that is NOT a loving person and abusive. Please get some therapy on your own. As in without your husband there so that you can talk about these things in detail with a professional that will help you do what is best for you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well it isn't the ladies forum so here are some answers from the other side,
"1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?"
despite being average or less and having every defect possible (ask any of the gals on the forum) I have managed to join Mrs Nail in orgasm using pretty much every PIV technique we've tried. And even had some limited success with other methods. So either she is a world class faker who keeps coming back for more, or I'm just very lucky in only one very narrowly defined area. 
"2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?"
yes, yes , yes all of the above and more. Everything from ABC sex (Anniversaries, Birthdays, and Christmas) to the old joke about royalty "once a king, always a king, but once a knight . . . is Never enough."
"3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?"
This is the part that is hard for a male to answer, because prostate massage is a pretty good thing, yes orgasmically good. But I have it on good report from Ducky Doolittle that at least one woman likes it.
"4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?" 
Rapey is not normal. Rapey is not good. I get turned down too much, but even at that it is very hard for a good man to be upset Because his partner is tired. or in pain. The Rule is always NO means NO.
"5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?"
Yes all of those or any of those, depends a lot on what you want to do. 2 weeks ago we spent 2 hours at it from wake up massage thru foreplay to a good one for each of us. But usually we don't have the stamina for that kind of performance.
"6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble." 
Normal is not a good word in this kind of conversation. But to answer your intent:
People who aren't getting "satisfactory" sex often get bored. If you are never getting there, why warm up the engine?
People who have been in a long relationship with a restrictive partner can get bored of the same ole' same ole'.
People who are emotionally detached get tired of sex pretty damned quickly.
Some people have been married 50 years and still look forward to the next encounter.
"7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol"
This is actually the question I answered for. Yes I do enjoy Giving Oral. I enjoy it a lot.

Now having said all of that, @Faithful Wife has declared the truth of the matter. It is clear, even to an emotionally retarded man like me, that your marriage has been sexually abusive instead of a loving bonding. In your place I would divorce. You have had enough damage for me to suggest a sex therapist if I knew anything about it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So glad you did not ask your mom.

7.Choking, crying, being deprived of oxygen sound like you are being forced. This is not normal sex, but abuse. There are degrees of yielding, but you sound like only you were forced to give oral or whatever. Did HE ever spend time on 1--7 to give you pleasure, understanding, love, intimacy and feeling of connection?

I'm wondering if he is ignorant, a bully, or just plain mean? Do not let your husband blame you. One really, good experience should open your eyes. Do not despair your future has to be better.

This can be a touchy category. My husband withheld sex because I liked it. Then I was desperate. There are really good books, including erotica, that will help you.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

Wow. I have so many feelings about all of this. Its become abundantly clear to me over the last two days that I’m in an abusive marriage that needs to end. Im now trying to come to terms with exactly how messed up the whole situation really is. I just figured if I wasn’t bleeding profusely or covered in bruises, it wasn’t “really” abuse. I’ve been working with my therapist for 8 months and have been on antidepressants for 5 months. She’s been right about everything, and I’m finally seeing it. I’ve hardly talked to her about the sex stuff. I’ve tried a couple of times and just turn beet red and can’t look at her. It’s so hard to talk face to face about it. But I have so many questions, and maybe a slight need to feel validated, like maybe I don’t know much about sex but this was wrong and maybe not entirely my fault for not liking it. In any case, your responses have been super helpful. I’m actually surprised that an orgasm is a real thing. Sounds like fun haha 🤪


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> 1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?


Yes, women have orgasms. Some have multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session. 
Most women (about 75%) cannot have orgasms from PIV (penis in vagina) alone. Instead, we usually get them from foreplay.. some kind of stimulation before or after intercourse. This is why a loving man is important. He needs to want to please you sexually and not make it all about him.

*She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman*



HorseShowMom said:


> 2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?


People are different. 2-3 times a week is about average. There are people who like to have sex everyday. 



HorseShowMom said:


> 3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?


Anal can be feel good for a woman. If it’s done wrong, it can hurt like hell. Plus, even if done wrong it can cause serious damage to the rectum. Do not do anything that makes you cry and/or hurts. Any man who would force a woman endure pain like this is not a good man.

If you don’t like anal, don’t do it. Let your next guy know that this is off limits for you. 



HorseShowMom said:


> 4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?


You have the right to say no anytime you want. If you are sick, say no. If whatever is going on with the sex is hurting you, you have the right to say stop/no and if he does not, it’s rape.

Not it’s no normal for your husband, or any guy, to get ‘rapey’ after you say no. That’s actually called rape. Legally, a husband is committing rape if he forces his wife to have sex against her will.



HorseShowMom said:


> 5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?


When you say ‘sex’ are you just taking about intercourse, or are you talking about all the forlay and after play too?

Sex can take a few minutes up to hours, several hours. It just depends on what you’re doing. A morning quickie is, well quick. But on a weekend, you might spend the afternoon/evening (or entire day) just messing around sexually. 



HorseShowMom said:


> 6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.


With the sex life and marriage, you are describing, yes, it’s very normal to become less interested. You might really like chocolate cake and ice cream. But if someone served you rotten chocolate cake and ice cream several times a week, you are not going to want any of that desert, are you?



HorseShowMom said:


> 7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol


Yes, some women enjoy giving oral… at our own pace, doing it in a manner that we can deal with. What you are describing does not sound like anything I’d want to do. 

Remember that those porn ladies are actress. When they are doing that, they are not thinking about anything loving. They are thinking about how they are going to spend all the money they earn sucking on something that is just a stupid prop to them.

If you ever try oral again, don’t try to emulate porn stars. Instead go slow and explore at your own pace. Don’t choke yourself. You are doing it wrong if you choke. Don’t let any guy try to guilt you into hurting yourself or being uncomfortable. Why any man would want that kind of oral/sex is beyond me.


HorseShowMom said:


> Anyway, I’m not going to be able to save my marriage by getting good at sex. I just want to have a better understanding of the average marital sex dynamic moving forward. Porn & google searches just seem really misleading. Or maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐


Most likely you don’t like sex much because you have never had good, loving sex. If you want to see more realistic ‘porn’, try looking for erotic or sensual porn.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Many think that only physical abuse is important. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as damaging or more so. Read about emotional abuse--you will recognize yourself, I'll bet.

Your therapist can help so much better if you can be open and honest. They have heard EVERYTHING and will not show surprise--often they knew and were waiting for you to disclose.

Orgasms are real, super real. Perhaps you might try a vibrator--yourself alone-- and see what happens. Invest in a good one....or just start with a Walgreen's type massager --$20.00. They are with heating pads, etc.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You poor women. This post makes me sad. Not all men treat their wives like this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

*No self-respecting man/woman would ever force their partner to do something that is vehemently against their will! 

Loving sex should be done freely and respectfully, and performed from the depth of one's heart, and never out of one's perceived fear, performance anxiety, as a bargaining chip, a medical or physical malady, or through a partner's manipulative coercion to either perform a certain egregious act or their undue fearful persuasion not to permit their partner to perform sex at all!*


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Everyone else has said pretty much everything I would have, except this is not your fault. No normal woman would enjoy any of that. Your husband is abusing you and making you do sex acts that make you feel uncomfortable whether physically or mentally is sexual abuse. Find a man who respects you and helps you rebuild your confidence, that should take care of all of your questions especially #1.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Everyone else has already told you that you have a lousy sex life with your inconsiderate husband.

I notice your occasional refusals were gentle enough. What would happen if you were more forceful when you said NO. Because you might have to be more forceful as you separate, and set your boundaries.

You asked about orgasms. And yes they are real, but the majority of women don't have them from penetrative sex, they have them from the clitoris being stimulated orally, by fingers, or using a vibrator. 
This means that there are women who don't have orgasms with their partner, if that partner isn't stimulating them in this area.
But, they can have an orgasm all by themselves if they stimulate this area.

I don't know if you have ever tried to bring yourself to orgasm (solo) in the past, but that is how most women first learn. 
But as not all women want or like this, then they would need a good lover to help them get there. And it doesn't sound like you have a partner that would encourage and support you in the way you need.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I’ve been working with my therapist for 8 months and have been on antidepressants for 5 months. She’s been right about everything, and I’m finally seeing it. *I’ve hardly talked to her about the sex stuff*. I’ve tried a couple of times and just turn beet red and can’t look at her.


Just so you know, this is very common.

It's common for people to go through therapy, avoid the subject of sexual abuse (and yes, that's what this is), "finish" therapy and be "healed", then drop that on their therapist and they have to start over. 

The problem with avoiding that topic is that you are delaying your healing. I would highly suggest bringing it up at your next session. Alternatively, print out your post here and let her read it. Yes, it's awkward. Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, you may want to go hide under the couch. Trust me, the therapist won't be shocked in the slightest. They won't laugh at you. They won't think you're stupid. Therapists have heard everything. 

If you want to have a good sex life in the future, you need to talk to your therapist. Chances are it won't be as simple as finding a loving partner and bam, your past is erased.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



bobert said:


> Just so you know, this is very common.
> 
> It's common for people to go through therapy, avoid the subject of sexual abuse (and yes, that's what this is), "finish" therapy and be "healed", then drop that on their therapist and they have to start over.
> 
> ...


This is excellent advice!!!! Please please do as bobert suggests. He is well versed in what can happen when you ignore sexual abuse. Your therapist can and will help if you let him/her know what’s been going on. If you don’t, you will most likely have trouble with your next partner even if he is a good, loving partner. 

Your story is very sad but unfortunately not unique. Get help so you can enjoy the rest of your life!!!! 

*hugs*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> But I have so many questions, and maybe a slight need to feel validated, like maybe I don’t know much about sex but this was wrong and maybe not entirely my fault for not liking it.


If your husband loved you and cared about you, he would have picked up on the fact that sex is painful for you. If you have told him that and he still doesn't care to try and help address this problem, then that makes this problem ten times worse.

A common problem is that some people may really like sex and masturbate a lot (including females), but get upset with their spouse (about finances or something normal) and then struggle with feeling resentment come time to be intimate with one another. Situations like that can make it impossible to get aroused with a spouse and sex almost comes to a complete stop (perhaps once a month or less). That is what a sexual problem looks like in a normal relationship. Under no circumstances does the person that wants sex just keep insisting it has to happen when the other is experiencing both emotional and physical discomfort. The person wanting sex will insist on solving problems in the relationship so that sex can naturally resume. 

As a matter of fact most men will refuse pity sex. This is when a wife is not in the mood but will say, "just do what you need to do and make it quick!" This is because in a marriage sexual intimacy is something that should be enjoyable for both, and when one struggles it causes both to struggle and not be able to enjoy anything.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I am a pro-sex guy, but absolutely you should be saying NO to this scumbag every damn day. The only two by fours I have are for your selfish, abusing hopefully STBXH.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...


Rule #1 Never go to the internet for answers about what's right for your sex life. Talk to your man about these things and your feeling about them early on.
Rule #2 Base your sexual relationship on rule #1.

Never minimize the importance of intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy = good at sex. Genuine desire is where you should start.
The real answers come from experience and communication with your spouse.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. maybe there’s something wrong with me bc I don’t think I actually like sex at all. Idk 😐


Does your husband have any idea about these things??
I'd say they are more important than sexual answers at this point.
These can adversely effect the rest of your life.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



RebuildingMe said:


> I am a pro-sex guy, but absolutely you should be saying NO to this scumbag every damn day. The only two by fours I have are for your selfish, abusing hopefully STBXH.


I am also someone that often encourages couples to reconcile when it seems hopeless, and perhaps to a fault. 

However in this case @HorseShowMom I think you need to get away from your husband. If there is any chance of reconciliation it needs to come from a place where you are completely independent, happy being on your own, you can clearly see that he has changed (not going to happen), and that you actually want to get remarried again to this man after completing a successful divorce. 

The next best thing would be a trial separation. 

Generally speaking if you intend to divorce, you need to get a lawyer, quietly begin preparations and take legal advice. This way once you announce it is over, you have all your legal issues in order and are emotionally prepared for what will be about to happen. Ultimately you need to take care of you.

Badsanta


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

After reading your bullet point questions several times I'm convinced that your husband is a porn addict and a general a-hole. The questions you're asking tell me that he has no interest in your pleasure, and doesn't give a crap about your pain. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not painful (unless you're into that sort of thing - I personally am not).

But in response to your original questions:

1) Yes orgasms are real (just ask my wife). I take great pride in giving my wife as many orgasms as she can take as often as I can. It's as much fun for me to do that to her as it is for her to experience them. 

2) I've only been remarried for a little over a year (together for about 3 years), so we may still be considered in the honeymoon phase. We have sex anywhere from 7-12 times per week. We're both very sexual and high drive and just cannot get enough of each other. If our schedules would allow, it would be way more times per week than that.

3) Depends on the person. My wife actually loves it, but we start off with small toys and lots of lube and work up to 'bigger things'. It can be enjoyable but it's not for everyone, and that's ok. It should never be painful - that should be a full stop.

4) Yikes - you should be able to say no to anything that you don't want to try or do, and that should be perfectly fine with your husband. Saying no and then getting more 'rapey' - well that's about as messed up as it gets. 

5) Depends on the day and what we have to do that day, but we take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour. When we find ourselves free on a Sunday, it's pretty much hours and hours of play time.

6) Losing interest in sex over time says more about your overall relationship more than anything else.

7) My wife and I both thoroughly enjoy oral. Choking, crying, and deprived of oxygen - geez that's just a bunch of abusive porn BS. It's supposed to feel good and it's supposed to be fun. If it doesn't meet those 2 criteria, then it is being done wrong. It should be a very loving act.

There is nothing wrong with you - you're in an abusive crappy marriage and your husband is using you as some kind of sex toy - yuck. I'd lose interest in sex too. What you've experienced in your marriage is not normal and it is flat out abusive. There are good men out there who are willing to participate in a mutually satisfying relationship including a good sex life. I'm sorry to hear about your situation - as a man it is just gut wrenching to hear stories like this. I wish you the best!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



badsanta said:


> As a matter of fact most men will refuse pity sex.


Is there a difference between "pity" sex and "duty" sex? I've been told that I should not complain about duty sex.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

I think you already know that you are in an abusive relationship and that leaving is by far the best thing for you. So the comments below are just for potential future partners




HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...



Everything you write suggests that your husband is horribly abusive. This is not at all what marriage and a passionate sex life should be like. Depending on how I interpret what you are saying he may be regularly raping you. If so, yo have every right to go to the police. 

The bottom line on sex is that in good relationships, sex consists of the couple doing things that they *both* enjoy. There are sometimes "favors" where someone does something just for the other - but never where that thing is actively unpleasant. Favors should be balanced.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

In a normal relationship, I'd agree, but it sounds like her husband is a sexually abusive, probably rapist. That changes things 



StillSearching said:


> Rule #1 Never go to the internet for answers about what's right for your sex life. Talk to your man about these things and your feeling about them early on.
> Rule #2 Base your sexual relationship on rule #1.
> 
> Never minimize the importance of intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy = good at sex. Genuine desire is where you should start.
> The real answers come from experience and communication with your spouse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

For pity / duty sex, I think its all about how people actually feel. For example, If my wife asks for a massage, I'm happy to do it. I don't particularly enjoy it, but I like that she does and I'm happy to do something that makes her happy. Similarly someone might sometimes do something sexual for a partner because they enjoy pleasing them. That to me is fine. It becomes not fine if someone finds the activity actively unpleasant or if it feels like it is a "requirement", not a gift.




Sfort said:


> Is there a difference between "pity" sex and "duty" sex? I've been told that I should not complain about duty sex.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > As a matter of fact most men will refuse pity sex.
> ...


Duty sex: she or he isn't interested, but wants to keep the benefits of the relationship so has duty sex to keep the relationship, keep the peace.

Pity sex is much worse. She or he feels sorry for you, and thus will subject themselves to sex with you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



StillSearching said:


> Rule #1 Never go to the internet for answers about what's right for your sex life. Talk to your man about these things and your feeling about them early on.
> Rule #2 Base your sexual relationship on rule #1.
> 
> Never minimize the importance of intimacy in your relationship. Intimacy = good at sex. Genuine desire is where you should start.
> The real answers come from experience and communication with your spouse.


Wow! Holy Crap! 

She has tried to listen and accommodate this sicko's twisted take on a marriage. 

This poor woman has tried to say no. That didn't work so well. She ends up crying in pain from abusive sex... what more can she "say" or share with her husband. 

Dude is obviously not interested in intimacy. He's just a vile rapist/abuser. Abusers aren't interested in intimacy and they don't listen. 

Anything she says is likely to only draw ever escalating levels of abuse. The ONLY answer is to get the hell out.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

There are a lot of scumbags in this world so you have to learn how to stick up for yourself and never ever let anyone do anything you don’t want to do. Period. You are in control of yourself.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> 1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?


Yes, women have orgasms. Most need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm, some can orgasm from penis in vagina alone. Women are usually multi-orgasmic, meaning they can have as many orgasms as they wish, but some are one and done.

Foreplay and arousal are pleasurable, but orgasm is _intensely_ pleasurable, so if you've had one you'd know.



HorseShowMom said:


> 2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?


Most people in LTR's settle into a routine of sex 1-3x per week. Obviously, some couples will have sex more frequently and others less frequently. 



HorseShowMom said:


> 3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying. How does everyone else get through it?


Some women enjoy anal and can even orgasm from it, some find it pleasurable but can not orgasm, and others don't like it at all. Anal is something that takes a lot of prep work. The receiver needs to be relaxed, very aroused, super into it, and there is no such thing as too much lube. The giver needs to be skilled and patient. Otherwise, it's going to hurt.

If your husband is aware that you are in pain and he continues he is cruel and abusive, full stop and period.



HorseShowMom said:


> 4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?


No, that's not normal at all! What you describe isn't rapey, it's rape. The rules for saying "no" is that the "no" is respected.



HorseShowMom said:


> 5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?


This all depends. My husband and I have had mutually enjoyable orgasmic sex in less than 5 minutes from start to finish. We've also spent hours together touching and teasing. I'd guess our average is about 25-45 minutes including foreplay.



HorseShowMom said:


> 6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.


I have been having nearly 20 years of great sex with a man I am desperately in love with who loves me ridiculously and is also a skilled lover. If I were to lose my interest in sex I'd be alarmed and head to the doctor to have my hormones checked and get a full physical.

You have been enduring 15 years of what is described here as bad sex, at best, and rape, at worst. It's entirely natural for you to not want to do something that isn't pleasurable and, in fact, is painful.



HorseShowMom said:


> 7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol


I've seen some porn where the man is helplessly in thrall to the woman sensuously giving him pleasure. I've seen the choking crying forceful stuff, too. And everything in between. Each person has their own range. Some are slow and sensuous. Some are into BDSM and get turned on by the forceful. Some enjoy many points along the spectrum depending on mood.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Faithful Wife said:


> All of this is totally messed up and it upsets me too much to even answer you. Your husband is a ****wit.


Yeah, and I am a guy... 

What you are dealing with is someone the knows nothing about sex. When you divorce, and when you decide to have sex with someone, if they know what they are doing, then you will recognize it immediately. 

Now, don't fall in love with the first guy that knows how to have sex and show you what an O is. That is a bad idea. Just enjoy it. 

And don't fell bad that you don't know some of this stuff, my GF did not understand either after 3 kids and several husbands... She just had bad luck... until she met me. 

And Yes women have orgasms. All women are different, some of them have O's in different ways. The ladies with inform you about that.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Wow! Holy Crap!
> 
> She has tried to listen and accommodate this sicko's twisted take on a marriage.
> 
> ...


It was a typical red pill answer. You know, red pill, that thing they read about on the internet and get all of their answers from, and also where they learn to tell women not to ask questions on the internet.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Faithful Wife said:


> It was a typical red pill answer. You know, red pill, that thing they read about on the internet and get all of their answers from, and also where they learn to tell women not to ask questions on the internet.


I suppose. But even if so, I'm still agog. 

Especially cuz' red pill seems to be (I could be wrong as I don't really follow it) predicated on how to deal with all the crap those evil wimminz pull on us men... but in this case, I could find absolutely nothing at all this woman could have done to warrant any negative treatment at all, let alone the depth and breadth of what she has endured (taking into account both this and her other non-sexual but also very abusive thread).

I mean, if you're gonna' go all red pill on some woman, at least do it in someone who has actually exhibited some sort of at least perceived bad behavior. This OP has been nothing but compliant... and suffered mightily as a result. 

It truly boggles the mind that anyone, red pill or not, would lay any part of this at her feet.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I suppose. But even if so, I'm still agog.
> 
> Especially cuz' red pill seems to be (I could be wrong as I don't really follow it) predicated on how to deal with all the crap those evil wimminz pull on us men... but in this case, I could find absolutely nothing at all this woman could have done to warrant any negative treatment at all, let alone the depth and breadth of what she has endured (taking into account both this and her other non-sexual but also very abusive thread).
> 
> ...


Red pill lays everything at women's feet. Also, it's rapey. So makes sense she should stick around and beg for his forgiveness, per red pill.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me. 
He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one. 
He bought me a very nice SUV, but with 3 kids in car seats, living on a farm (think dust, dirt, mud...) I haven’t been very successful at keeping it clean. I pull trash out and wipe seats down a couple times a week, but it’s always dirty. It drives him nuts. I can’t take it to the car wash, and have yet to find the time to detail it at home often enough to really keep it clean. 
The point I’m trying to make is that most of his problems with me are reasonable and I should be able to manage myself better than I have. Antidepressants & caffeine help keep me moving, but I just never finish. He can’t stand it. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me- every other stay at home mom in the world seems to keep their [email protected] together just fine and I’m over here looking like a fat @ss hobo playing “what’s that smell” in the back of the car.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...



So, other then your H sitting on his azz barking orders at you, how does he contribute to the home and upkeep other then monetary? I suspect your H does do much of anything other then be selfish.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...


None of this has anything to do with the absolutely ****ty sex life he provides or the sexual abuse he dishes out.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...


Okay, you're overweight. That in no way gives him or anyone any right or moral grounds for mistreating you, sexually or otherwise. Really, nothing and I mean NOTHING warrants abuse. Period. 

And why is it up to you to "keep more in savings & budget for vacations?" Are you foolish with the money he makes? Are you taking trips to Fiji and buying expensive jewelry? It doesn't sound like it. Where does the money go? You say as soon as you get ahead, some major expense pops up. Are those pop ups your fault or just part of living? I do have some concern given your screen name and knowing how expensive horses can be. Do you have a lot of equine hobby costs? if so, that may need to cut back, but overall, is the family's financial difficulty all on your shoulders? 

And let me tell you that nobody can keep a house and vehicles with three carseat-aged children perpetually clean. Not even close, even for a SAHM. Any husband with such an expectation needs to check those expectations in check. Kids = chaos. It's life. You don't want chaos... don't have three young kids at the same time! Keep the kid's stuff organized, what a joke.

Honey, let me tell you, this man is just giving you a string of BS excuses for his inexcusable treatment of you. 

No wonder you struggle with weight... you have tons of requirements and no emotional support! That is a recipe for disaster. 

Bottom line... please don't let him or anyone else tell you that being on the wrong end of an abusive relationship is in any way your fault.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...


Listen to me. What you wrote in your first post and what you wrote here should never be connected. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Now maybe I am missing something else but if you are saying that these things you wrote about here in this quote have any relationship to what this thread was about then you are wrong. It's not OK to treat people with cruelty if they don't live up to your expectations. Even if they treat you cruelly. If he was unhappy about these things he could have even fought with you about it in a way that still is respectful. At worst he could have left. 

But when it comes to the Sex thing one of the most troubling aspects of it is that all of those things that you talked about don't have to be that way. It's not the actions that are bad it's the way those actions were taken. Your sex life should have been fun and mutual, it should have been an open dialog. It's wonderful that you were willing and giving, but there has to be some acknowledgement of that and it needs to be reciprocated. Even in that some of those actions might not have given you physical pleasure, the pleasure is in the reciprocation and in the happiness it gives your partner. But you have to feel that it is appreciated. The sad thing is that you were willing and with the right man it could have become a wonderful way for you to build intimacy and trust. 

You are not responsible for your husbands selfishness.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...


HOLY SH** this keeps getting worse!

HE SHOULD NOT CALL YOU FAT! He could encourage you to take care of your health and enjoy exercising with you.

HE SHOULD NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT THE HOUSE BEING A MESS! He should offer to help you get things cleaned up and address that as a team. He should also help you to teach the kids to take better care of themselves and help you with chores. 

HE SHOULD NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIM AND THE KIDS TRASHING THE CAR AND EXPECT YOU TO DEAL WITH IT! You are NOT their freaking maid. They should f'king clean up after themselves!!!! 

HE SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE NOTHING BUT PROBLEMS! He should help you seek out the things and hobbies you enjoy in life and pursue those things. Worst case scenario you find something you enjoy that can supplement the family income.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Sfort said:


> Is there a difference between "pity" sex and "duty" sex? I've been told that I should not complain about duty sex.


 @Sfort I'll answer this because it may be helpful to the OP. There are many forms of sex that can occur when one person has trouble getting in the mood:

1) Maintenance Sex : This is when it has been too long and a couple just needs to make it happen. This type of intimacy helps to rebuild a connection with one another.

2) Mercy F*ck: This is when sex is used as a weapon. A higher desire partner becomes so needy that the lower desire person gives in and makes sure sex is horrible as a punishment. This form of sex is often presented as "duty" sex in the relationship. 

I think the OP has been repeatedly struggling with trying to accomplish 1), but she is living with a selfish and abusive partner that is likely using sex as a weapon towards her because he is not happy with his marriage and wants her to be f'ing miserable. This way he will get to pretend to be the victim when she has had enough and files for divorce.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Oh you poor thing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



StillSearching said:


> Rule #1 Never go to the internet for answers about what's right for your sex life. Talk to your man about these things and your feeling about them early on.
> 
> Rule #2 Base your sexual relationship on rule #1.
> 
> ...


This is only true with a loving spouse who has your best interests at heart. In this case, it would have likely resulted in further abuse. The man in question is a rapist. Trying to work with a rapist is counterproductive. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

If it wasn't clear in my earlier post, I want to make it so now. 

Struggles with weight and low self esteem often go hand in hand. The low self esteem begets more weight gain and the weight gain in turn further lowers self esteem. It can become a vicious cycle that can be very hard to break away from under the best of circumstances, let alone when caring for three young children and trying to meet unmeetable expectations.

Your husband, if he was really concerned about you, would be doing everything he could to support you and help rebuild your self esteem. This is the best way to help you reach a healthy weight, which is supposedly what he wants. But no, he likes having you thing poorly of yourself, so he's not going to help. As long as you lack self esteem, you're more likely to be compliant, apologetic and put up with his crap. 

Bottom line, he is motivated to keep you down for his own vile purposes. It's worse than just abusive, it's downright evil.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

He is using the standard abuser playbook. Its always *your* fault. He loves you so much, but you just keep making him angry You are fat, you don't chores, etc etc . Its all BS. He is an abuser and maybe rapist. All of this *all* of this is on him.

So you gained wight. I've been married >30 year, my wife has a badly deformed breast from cancer, and while an unbiased eye might say she is not as beautiful as when she was 20, I have a very biased eye and she is still beautiful to me and always will be. If you are to heavy to be healthy then for *your* sake you might want to do something about it, but that is for you.

You are in a marriage with an abusive man - being depressed is not surprising. 

Children are engines of chaos. No no can keep things tidy and clean with a bunch of children in the house. You may see brief bursts of neatness when company is comping over but it never lasts. 

Where is the money going? Was the SUV a reasonable purchase given his income? I'll never fault someone if their income is low despite their trying to do their best, but people need to live within whatever income they have. 

If he does have a very good income, are you sure the money isn't going somewhere else? I don't know what you consider a "good" income, but think to yourself whether the numbers seem to add up.


This is not your fault. You are the victim. You will be amazed at how good life is when you are no longer with an abuser. His behavior is not normal. 

BTW: he doesn't love you - at all. If he did, he wouldn't abuse you. Its as simple as that. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. 





HorseShowMom said:


> I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> He’s repeatedly gotten onto me about my weight, and after 3 kids and a few years of depression, I’m fatter than I’ve ever been. I keep thinking I’m going to get a handle on myself, but it’s just constant failure in my end.
> He’s asked for years for me to keep the house cleaner and get things (especially the kids’ stuff) organized. I’ve improved a lot over the last couple years, but I’m always a load of laundry behind, so to speak.
> He makes good money, but we have very little left over after bills. He has asked me to step things up and keep more in savings & budget for vacations, etc... I haven’t been very successful at this because it seems like every time I get a couple grand saved up, we have some major expense that sets me right back to square one.
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your questions are not weird. It's very sad that you are in such a soul sucking relationship that you wouldn't know that what you're experiencing in your marriage is wrong and abusive. I'm glad you asked these questions and I hope the answers open your eyes to the truth so you can live free. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this, HSM. And I can honestly understand where you are comming from, as I had 1 sexual partner and married him (even though i kissed, had boyfriends and made out before him), and that made me accept things his previous girlfriends didnt accept and maybe i wouldnt if i knew things better but back then i though was normal, like complete lack of foreplay for me (while i have always to perform for him), never touching me, low drive, only giving me peck kisses and only if I ask, wants sex his way and the positions he enjoys and the mostly on the moments he wants it (even though i nag him to get more, otherwise i would go insane haha).

So,



HorseShowMom said:


> 1.) Do ladies really have orgasms? Or do we just say we do? Like, is that a real thing? Or would I even know if I had one?


Its really hard to have O when your partner isnt helping you. I never had one for years and thought it was impossible and all women were faking it, but now ive found a position where the friction is good, and if he doesnt move and let me do my work i will finally O. The thing is, I'm really not there with hubby, Im just in fantasy land and using him, imagining some unknown person helping me, touching and doing all the part i was always neglected (and his face isnt my husbands) and its disfunctional, i know. But I noticed my husband gets a high from being "used", so i plan on investing more on this side of the sexual stuff as soon as i can (im 8 months pregnant now). 



HorseShowMom said:


> 2.) How often do people do it? Like is 3 times a week enough? 5? 12?


Before having sex i believed around 2 times a day (my naivete pre 23), but my husband is into between once a week and once every 15 days.



HorseShowMom said:


> 3.) Is anal supposed to be fun for the girl? I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and still always end up crying.


Its like p00ping backwards after a severe constipation. Just that the p00p gets out fast, while in anal I just suffer for the time it takes to be over.



HorseShowMom said:


> How does everyone else get through it?


Or people are lying or have a real large or elastic ass#ole or something. Sometimes I do to make him happy, but its around 5 times a year or less to build the courage, and I know he would like more.



HorseShowMom said:


> 4.) When you’re married, what are the rules for saying “no” to stuff? I feel like I’m a pretty good sport and always try, but sometimes I just need to sleep or have a hard time with the pain. But if I try to say “not tonight, please” it just ends up happening anyway, but more rapey lol... is that pretty normal?


I just try to never say no, both to make him happy and because I have a higher drive and would like to have sex at least once a day (but not bad sex, so i keep hoping hahaha). But I say no to anal, and he tries to force it sometimes, but i was into martial arts for several years when i was a teen and he just cant hold me down, and if he really tries to force after my no I leave the bed and the mood is over.



HorseShowMom said:


> 5.) How long is it supposed to take? Average? Like 15? 30 minutes? Couple of hours?


If its me using him I take around 5 minutes.

If its him trying to O it takes half an hour or so. He stops and hold his O's to make it longer, but for me its just boring af, for the lack of foreplay, kissing, touching, or even noticing im there (wich is lame, because im actually pretty, not overweight or anything, and even look younger than my 30 year old age. So isnt like he is avoiding my face or anything haha). He has this fixed idea that the longer sex takes the more i will enjoy, and i already explained that i need foreplay-fun-passion and not "longer", otherwise without at least kissing he will end up hurting me, iykwim.



HorseShowMom said:


> 6.) Is it normal, over time, to become less interested in sex in general? I have such a hard time getting in the mood anymore. It just feels like I’m always faking it so I don’t get in trouble.


Yes, and I'm so sorry. When you are neglected, not perceived as a human/sexual being, but just as a blow up doll it WILL happen. It happened to me. Im always trying new things to try to make it better, but who knows.



HorseShowMom said:


> 7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? I cannot for the life of me figure out how the porn ladies look so okay with it. I mean, I’m not opposed to doing it since it’s expected to be standard wife stuff these days, but I have kind of a hard time getting aroused by choking, crying, and being deprived of oxygen lol


I enjoyed (not like in porn), but because of the neglect of never ever being touched or kissed or anything basically, it is a trigger for those passive agressive feelings. Like, having to do it while he watch tv and doesnt even notice me, knowing i will not get anything back. No, thats over, not doing it anymore, i know now its not "normal". But the way you wrote it seems to me (and im sorry for ssying this) you are being throat raped or almost, and I must say that if hubby did that to me i would bite his friend.


I'm so sorry, OP. I can only imagine how hard it is to build everything all over again not knowing if you will find somebody who knows you are a woman with human needs and is to be respected as one and will take his time to teach and pleases you in this aspect.

It sometimes makes me want to cry to know some men have this tendencies of "i like this so we are doing my way" and dont want to try anything we ask. Like, I know many of the things i atempt to try and my husband just doesnt want to do he did to please his exes without any issue, but it seems he thinks as i wasnt experienced i should just adapt to his needs, because i dont know any better??? The thing he doesnt see is that i have a kinky mind of my own and want to try everything i never did, not acomodate to what he thinks sex is supposed to be.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> HorseShowMom said:
> 
> 
> > I think it might help to point out that I’m far from blameless in my situation. Even as I gain a better understanding of how NOT okay a lot of his behavior has been, I can see how I’ve contributed to his anger, frustration, and lack of desire to connect with me.
> ...


^^^^^^^^THIIISSS!!

OP, dont be a martyr. Ypu are so much better than this. I only have 1 child (other on the way) and my house is just never clean. I clean the floors everyday and he just make a mess less than 1 hour later, so when my husband gets home its a mess all over again (he complains, but its life).

Fix, clean, wash the car is a man's responsibility. Nooooo!!!

When i had my first child and took more than a year to resemble the body i had before we had the same sexual problems, so trust me, it is not because you gained weight.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I liked @moon7 's reply answers, because they are not all flowery and nice. They show a real person working with real issues. They also show that she is actively trying to make it work. I also worry that moon husband seems to be almost as clueless as Horse show mom's husband. All I can say is that in my case, I've had a lot of time to work on it. A lot of feedback when things don't work. A partner who cares whether or not I'm satisfied.

Sure we've had some poor sex. We've had some one sided sex (which is ok if you both agree to it, kind of sucks when it is due to mishap). We've made mistakes, We've gotten messy. But we learned from it. Like Moon7, we are currently in mismatched timing. The only way to describe our frequency at this point is sporadic. 

Horse Show Mom your recent post about weight, depression and cleaning / budgeting got the same response from me as you received from other men here. I just didn't have time to get it written down. essentially those are symptoms of the abuse, and in no way an excuse for abusing.

There are many women who get into abusive relationships. It worries me the number of abusive men out there. (not strictly a gendered thing) As advisors on this kind of forum our second biggest fear in this kind of situation is that the abused woman will fight to free herself from the abusive relationship, only to get into a new relationship with a very similar abusive man. It happens all the time. 
Our biggest fear is that the abuser will kill her. 

Stick with your therapist. open up about this, and about your future plans. good advice is what you need.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...


(1) Yes they do have O's, but you need to learn your body and how you can have one. There are lots of self help books out there on this topic. Once you learn you and your H will be better able to teach each other how to have sex that provides you with more satisfaction.

(2) How often? That depends on the two of you and can change over time. It is all about compromise and what the two of you need to be emotionally bonded to each other. One spouse is always more high demand than the other and this requires compromise and negotiations. 

(3) anal. You might want to take a few moments by yourself to explore your own body. Sex is both a physical and a mental activity. One of the things that I as a man learned is that a lot of nerve endings to erogenous zones seem to be connected. For me, when I am really relaxed and capable to listening to my body, If my partner touches and squeezes my nipples, I feel a tingling in my lips, the roof of my mouth, my penis, my scrotum, and my anus (and of course my nipples). My wife loves when I kiss her, touch her nipples and touch her clitoris all at the same time. Sensory overload. 

Assuming that the mental aspect of anal doesn't overwhelm you, then yes, if you relax enough and with enough lube and practice you may actually learn to enjoy it. Then again, it is not a universal thing. 

(4) As to saying no. There are not hard and fast rules. Be considerate, tell you partner you will listen and not judge them, if you are not sure about something tell them you are not sure, but want to explore the topic and see if there is someway you can either do it or something similar without violating your own boundaries. Example 1. Your brought up anal, so let's say you just can't get over the mental aspect of doing that. Get a fleshlight (male maturbation toy that comes with one of three openings oral, anal, or vagina) with the anal opening. Get relaxed, get down on all 4's and hold it between your legs and have him do the fleshlight annally doggy style. Example 2. Say your H wants a FMF 3-some. If you can role play this with him, but don't add a real third person. You can pretend to by you and then later with a wig or something you can be a "girlfriend" you invited over for him to enjoy. If that goes well enough for both of you, you can go to a strip club and you can select a dancer to give your guy and YOU a lap dance. Intercourse is not a requirement. The mind is our biggest sex organs and roleplaying can trick that mind into many things.

(5) how long is it suppose to take? Wow. Sex should be something you both enjoy. If you are asking that, it probably means you feel it is taking too long. Not good. You might want to introduce more "play" and romance into your sex life.

(6) Faking it is bad for a relationship, as it is a lie and destroys trust. As to libido's waining and waxing, you might read Mating in Captivity or other such books. It happens, but you and your H don't have to accept it.

(7) Enjoying oral? Yes, try a different technique or approach until you find something you like, assuming you are not against the idea from a personal boundary perspective. Sex really should be adult play between two people that really care about each other.

Good luck. You and your H might want to set up some appointments with a marriage counselor who is also a certified sex therapist.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

moon7 said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this, HSM. And I can honestly understand where you are comming from, as I had 1 sexual partner and married him (even though i kissed, had boyfriends and made out before him), and that made me accept things his previous girlfriends didnt accept and maybe i wouldnt if i knew things better but back then i though was normal, like complete lack of foreplay for me (while i have always to perform for him), never touching me, low drive, only giving me peck kisses and only if I ask, wants sex his way and the positions he enjoys and the mostly on the moments he wants it (even though i nag him to get more, otherwise i would go insane haha).
> 
> So,
> 
> ...


OBSERVATION: Here ^^^^^ I was talking about an O WITH MY HUSBAND. An O throught masturbation is other thing, and way easier in the right mindframe. I tend to think women orgasm have this mental predominance, because without the imaginative triggers you can put your finger at the magic button and feel nice, but never "blow". Its mostly a mental thing!!!! (At least for me, i mean, a woman can have an O just while making out, so...).

Women ((traditionally)) dont like very crude things, so, if thats the case, maybe try reading a romantic-semi-erotic book like harlequin stuff or something??? It might help your alone time.

But I have to say one of the most important thing I think and hear women repeat again and again is: a man who is a good kisser.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

Here I have to disagree. It think it is always OK to say no, and NO should always be accepted. That is an absolute. 

That said, if the incompatibility is large enough that someone is often saying "no" then it is also OK for their partner to decide to end the relationship. 




Young at Heart said:


> (4) As to saying no. There are not hard and fast rules. .


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

Hello HorseShowMom

Sorry to have you here in your predicament.

I must say that I have not read a more "push every button" thread before - its almost as if one had to design an evil husband thread this would tick every box (not saying that it isnt true, of course but it is really damning of your husband).

As others are saying you need to get away from him. You sound really inexperienced (and may I say, naive, but in a good way) so its good that you came here for advice.


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

*update*

I had an appointment yesterday and let my therapist know that I feel ready to move forward with an exit plan. I tried to bring up the sex stuff but aside from a few general statements, I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to admit, face to face, what I’ve been enduring for the last 14 years.
Therapist said it’s not as easy as just moving forward and forgetting about things, that I need to find a way to let it out so that I can heal. Idk if I can do that sitting right across from her. I can’t even say sex without blushing, and I’m supposed to detail what has apparently been years of rape and abuse? I’m still trying to process that any of what he’s done was actually wrong. I feel so guilty. So ashamed. And I don’t really know why. I mean, it seems ridiculous at this point to even question whether being held face down on the floor and having a giant d**k shoved in my rear sans lube is my fault. It’s just a lot to come to terms with. I’m still trying to find the strength to end the marriage and take care of my kids on a daily basis without anyone noticing that I’m on the verge of breaking down completely. I just can’t thank you all enough for being here. I can’t even begin to express how helpful it’s been and how much strength I’ve drawn from the information and support I’ve gotten the last couple of days.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> *update*
> 
> I had an appointment yesterday and let my therapist know that I feel ready to move forward with an exit plan. I tried to bring up the sex stuff but aside from a few general statements, I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to admit, face to face, what I’ve been enduring for the last 14 years.
> Therapist said it’s not as easy as just moving forward and forgetting about things, that I need to find a way to let it out so that I can heal. Idk if I can do that sitting right across from her. I can’t even say sex without blushing, and I’m supposed to detail what has apparently been years of rape and abuse? I’m still trying to process that any of what he’s done was actually wrong. I feel so guilty. So ashamed. And I don’t really know why. I mean, it seems ridiculous at this point to even question whether being held face down on the floor and having a giant d**k shoved in my rear sans lube is my fault. It’s just a lot to come to terms with. I’m still trying to find the strength to end the marriage and take care of my kids on a daily basis without anyone noticing that I’m on the verge of breaking down completely. I just can’t thank you all enough for being here. I can’t even begin to express how helpful it’s been and how much strength I’ve drawn from the information and support I’ve gotten the last couple of days.


*Provided that it's still embarrassing for you, then simply journal it and write it all down for your therapist to read!

Trust me! They need to know about it!*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> Therapist said it’s not as easy as just moving forward and forgetting about things, that I need to find a way to let it out so that I can heal.


In my opinion, you have already endured what no one should or could go through. Here you stand today willing to do what it takes to help your kids. 

You are already way freaking stronger than you realize.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



arbitrator said:


> *Provided that it's still embarrassing for you, then simply journal it and write it all down for your therapist to read!
> 
> Trust me! They need to know about it!*


This is a great idea. I think it would be good for you to journal for your own benefit as well. When you go back and reread your journal you'll realize that what you have gone through is nothing short of full on abuse. You may also want to consider seeing a sex therapist to learn what is and what is not normal sexual behavior in a healthy relationship. This could benefit you greatly for your own healing now, and also for future relationships.

What you've been through the past 14 years is pretty horrific. Your therapist will be able to help you so much more when you open up about these things. I know it's hard, but you really need to get it all out.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The reason you are feeling so terrible and guilty is because your husband has messed with your mind. This is the outcome he was seeking. Don't let him succeed any longer. Rise up and out of the abuse. You are already on your way there. Keep moving forward.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@HorseShowMom

All your posts show me you're pretty much where you need to be.
I saw your posts about loading hay, and working on tractors, hunting, fishing etc.

Be stronger in rejecting H when he wants to do things your are against, that is entirely right for you to do.

For example you're my type of woman, and so would be to many others, your right where you need to be in being a very desirable spouse or ltr partner. 

Continue to be confident in who you are, you sound like a great person.

Ragnar


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## HorseShowMom (Oct 7, 2019)

@Ragnar- I know I pull my weight in the relationship, and will be fine on my own with the kids when all is said and done. I really hope H and I can stay friends or at least friendly throughout the whole process, since the kids are still little and we will be co-parenting for years. That said, we are still married and I’ve never been one to deny sex. The “saying no” that I do is typically either a round 2 or 3 when it’s already been hours and he’s too drunk to finish anyway. In the few instances where I’ve “said no” all together, I feel like my reasoning has been pretty valid. One example would be like when I was nursing the baby and trying to get her back to sleep he’d want me to drop everything for a bj or a quickie so he could get off before bed. I have no problem with daily sex- guys have needs. I get it.- but sometimes I just can’t accommodate at the moment. 

The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> @Ragnar- I know I pull my weight in the relationship, and will be fine on my own with the kids when all is said and done. I really hope H and I can stay friends or at least friendly throughout the whole process, since the kids are still little and we will be co-parenting for years. That said, we are still married and I’ve never been one to deny sex. The “saying no” that I do is typically either a round 2 or 3 when it’s already been hours and he’s too drunk to finish anyway. In the few instances where I’ve “said no” all together, I feel like my reasoning has been pretty valid. One example would be like when I was nursing the baby and trying to get her back to sleep he’d want me to drop everything for a bj or a quickie so he could get off before bed. I have no problem with daily sex- guys have needs. I get it.- but sometimes I just can’t accommodate at the moment.
> 
> The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. *I’m not sure what a better course of action would be?* Any ideas?



A better course of action? Divorce and a restraining order, followed by a lot of intensive therapy for yourself to keep you from making the _horrendous_ mistake of believing that any of this is normal or that this man is someone you can be friends with....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> ....
> 
> The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?


This is HORRIFIC to me (I'm a guy). You should NEVER have to put up with this. A solution is to smack him with a bat -- threatening to wake up your kids and have sex in front of them?? What kind of father would even contemplate that -- it's just sick. Not let you sleep until he gets off? Hand him some lotion and point him to the bathroom -- better yet, go into a room with a lock and lock him out.

"he needs to finish" -- nope he WANTS to finish and doesn't care if you do or not. No guy is going to die if he doesn't finish. He's just selfish.


Really sorry that you have gone through this, but this guy needs a) to be booted out and b) arrested. That is just flat-out abuse.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?


For starters how about stop engaging in painful sex? Who gives a flip about his 'finish'. What are you getting out of this other than pain and suffering? Yes it is ok to deny sex and especially when it is abuse/rape. You really need to stand up for yourself here.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

I know you don't have a lot of relationship experience, but this is not even close to normal. Yes, guys have "needs" and they also have hands to take care of those needs. No one needs to agree to sex every single time - an no one ever needs to agree to painful sex 


If you tried to get away and he didn't let you, he raped you. This is not a situation where you want some sort of fair solution. This is a situation where you need to escape, and then he needs to spend a long in prison. ts up to you whether or not t press charges, but you have every right to. 

You children will be far better off with just you than with a rapist in the house. God knows what sorts of ideas he may have picked up, and you don't want to find out.

Find someone you can trust - maybe your therapist and tell them the *whole* truth. You need someone to help you. 






HorseShowMom said:


> @Ragnar- I know I pull my weight in the relationship, and will be fine on my own with the kids when all is said and done. I really hope H and I can stay friends or at least friendly throughout the whole process, since the kids are still little and we will be co-parenting for years. That said, we are still married and I’ve never been one to deny sex. The “saying no” that I do is typically either a round 2 or 3 when it’s already been hours and he’s too drunk to finish anyway. In the few instances where I’ve “said no” all together, I feel like my reasoning has been pretty valid. One example would be like when I was nursing the baby and trying to get her back to sleep he’d want me to drop everything for a bj or a quickie so he could get off before bed. I have no problem with daily sex- guys have needs. I get it.- but sometimes I just can’t accommodate at the moment.
> 
> The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

OP, what was your home life like growing up that you think any of this is normal? 

If this is what relationships looked like for the people in your family, then you need to make sure your therapist is aware of that. If your family of origin led you to believe that this is what normal marriage looks like, then you're going to keep choosing men who seem "normal" through that lens.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?


My idea would be to call 911 and have him arrested, get a restraining order, and get divorced.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

You've already gotten varied and good responses.

Bottom line is that you are being abused by your husband.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



jlg07 said:


> This is HORRIFIC to me (I'm a guy). You should NEVER have to put up with this. A solution is to smack him with a bat -- threatening to wake up your kids and have sex in front of them?? What kind of father would even contemplate that -- it's just sick. Not let you sleep until he gets off? Hand him some lotion and point him to the bathroom -- better yet, go into a room with a lock and lock him out.
> 
> "he needs to finish" -- nope he WANTS to finish and doesn't care if you do or not. No guy is going to die if he doesn't finish. He's just selfish.
> 
> ...


Indeed!

Words to go along with "no".... how about "Finish your own damn self!" 

If dude's that desperate to ejaculate, he's always got a perfectly good pair of his own hands, which is all he should be allowed access to!


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## Gateway Guy (Dec 1, 2019)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

I can only answer these questions on the basis of my marriage.

1.) The lady should have an orgasm (almost) every time. The two people might have to work at that. If my wife doesn’t, something is going on (sick, etc.)

2.) How often: Twice a week

3.) Don’t do anal. Don’t see how it could be enjoyable for her, so I wouldn’t ask.

4.) It’s difficult for me to answer this one. I have been given perpetual permission. I don’t have to ask. It started when she was on very strong sleeping meds. Haven’t been turned down in years. I’m pretty considerate, though, and want to protect my perpetual permission.

5.) How long: Five minutes to 45 minutes. Depends on so many things.

6.) Is it normal to become less interested in sex? Yeah, if things aren’t right. My advice would be not to fake it. Communicate.

7.) Does anyone actually enjoy oral? Yes, but she isn’t as interested as I am.

I wish you well. It sounds like the relationship, not sex, is the problem. We all deserve to be happy.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> but I really don’t want to talk to my mom about sex!
> 
> I’m preparing (emotionally as well as materially) to file for divorce. My husband and I have been together since I was 21 (so about 14 years). I had very little sexual experience before we were married, and am wondering if maybe I’ve misunderstood some things about sex this whole time. So here are a few mildly embarrassing questions that I’ve been hangin on to for the past decade...
> 
> ...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You need to get away from him ASAP. Get an apartment and move out. 

If I were you I would be really scared that he would hurt me (more than he already does). So you have family around? Go stay with them? 

And I am going to tell you that he will not be nice during the divorce or after the divorce. He is an angry drunk that thinks he owns you. You need to be emotionally prepared for this divorce but I doubt it will be a good one. But once it’s over you are free.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Long story short... you are not in a health relationship (let alone a sexual relationship) period. He’s an abusive taker and i think you’re shutting down in response to that. You will be shocked when a guy is making love to you not treating you like a porn prop. 

Now that being said... all this... all of it... you will bring into your next intimate relationship if you don’t seek therapy now. Good on your for asking the top-level questions but you need to work out all the negative emotions you will inadvertently project on to the next guy. To this day, sexual issues from abusers or crappy sex partners my wife had affects me because she hasn’t dealt with it. Right now, there’s a high likelihood you’d have a panic attack and shutdown the instant the next guy you are with does anything remotely resembling your experiences even if that was the last thing on his mind. 

To your questions:

1. Yes and varying kinds: clitoral, vaginal, G-spot. Each feels different. If done right, you’re muscles should be tensing up like you got tazed. Once was with a girl fresh out of a marriage where she never had one. She had one our first time together (after a couple weeks of meeting) and it was such a significant emotional event that afterwards she teased up and blurted out “I love you”

2. Everyone’s different. My wife is a once every 10-21 days depending on headaches, periods, sleep, kids, etc. I’m a every couple days-guy. She’s a one and done girl. Hormones surge... top of the priority list... post-orgasm... meh.

3. Never met/been with a girl who actually wants to do this. Need to set a boundary. Seems like he’s mimicking porn. As a guy, I personally have no desire to try that

4. Offer a rain check but since he won’t accept them get away from him. Honestly, you need to be a good student of your spouse. I can tell when my wife isn’t in the mood and choose to be considerate.

5. Depends on how well you know your partner and stage of life. For me, never long enough. My wife can be done in about 90 seconds if she’s in the mood. No making out, foreplay for her, then just get to business.

6. For women definitely. Life stress, body image, issues, lack of emotional bond to partner, hormone fluctuations, lack of sleep, etc. If you read Ester Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, it’s normal for women to find domesticated husbands as boring and not sexually stimulating. Explains why a women could be sex-negative for her husband but have porn-star sex during an affair with some other guy. For men, it’s a matter of a wife adopting a sex-negative mentality, wrongly believing a partner negative body image is that same as yours),his depression/medication/low T. Men generally don’t lose interest in sex. Just a matter of where it’s targeted... you, porn or another woman. Women think they’re doing guys a favor by faking, it’s sexual perjury and honestly that’s way worse. Much like finding out your husband has been lying about porn. Hey.. he didn’t want to hurt your feelings so he was just taking care of himself.

7. There’s oral sex and then there’s face-f****ing. Looks like you’ve been experiencing the latter and that is degrading TBH. The ladies in porn hate it as much as you do and most are drunk or high to deal with it. I think a woman’s mindset on giving oral is based on her personal experience. If you were face-f***ed initially and had partners who wanted to give you facials, you might have quite an aversion to oral. If you had some that we’re mellow about, considerate and reciprocated you might have completely positive view of it. Some women just think it’s gross (i.e. the taste, the mess, possibly choking, etc) and some enjoying seeing their husbands enjoying it. Again what’s your prior experience.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to end it. The abused woman moving out often triggers the men to go crazy. So make any plans to leave secretly. Pack a bag secretly (you must have clothes in the closet or back of the drawer you rarely wear - he won't notice that they are "missing".) Accumulate some cash secretly. And don't tell him you are leaving. Just go while he is away from home (at work, out with the boys, etc). Let him come home to an empty house.

If and when you move out, do not tell him where you are going. Make sure you go to a place with family or friends who will help protect you and who will call the cops if he gets violent. The idea is to make sure that in the first 24 - 48 hours after he discovers you have left, he doesn't have any way to confront you physically.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> *update*
> 
> I had an appointment yesterday and let my therapist know that I feel ready to move forward with an exit plan. I tried to bring up the sex stuff but aside from a few general statements, I just couldn’t do it. I’m not ready to admit, face to face, what I’ve been enduring for the last 14 years.
> Therapist said it’s not as easy as just moving forward and forgetting about things, that I need to find a way to let it out so that I can heal. Idk if I can do that sitting right across from her. I can’t even say sex without blushing, and I’m supposed to detail what has apparently been years of rape and abuse? I’m still trying to process that any of what he’s done was actually wrong. I feel so guilty. So ashamed. And I don’t really know why. I mean, it seems ridiculous at this point to even question whether being held face down on the floor and having a giant d**k shoved in my rear sans lube is my fault. It’s just a lot to come to terms with. I’m still trying to find the strength to end the marriage and take care of my kids on a daily basis without anyone noticing that I’m on the verge of breaking down completely. I just can’t thank you all enough for being here. I can’t even begin to express how helpful it’s been and how much strength I’ve drawn from the information and support I’ve gotten the last couple of days.


Holy Hannah, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation; no one deserves that at all. I do think that your therapist needs to know about the sexual end of things though. You don't need to go into great detail, but I think she'll be better able to help you get through this if she knows the full story. It's a lot for anyone to process, and she can help with that. Like @arbitrator said, if it's hard for you to talk about, journal it for her to read. And, keep posting here my dear. Many hugs!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



HorseShowMom said:


> @Ragnar- I know I pull my weight in the relationship, and will be fine on my own with the kids when all is said and done. I really hope H and I can stay friends or at least friendly throughout the whole process, since the kids are still little and we will be co-parenting for years. That said, we are still married and I’ve never been one to deny sex. The “saying no” that I do is typically either a round 2 or 3 when it’s already been hours and he’s too drunk to finish anyway. In the few instances where I’ve “said no” all together, I feel like my reasoning has been pretty valid. One example would be like when I was nursing the baby and trying to get her back to sleep he’d want me to drop everything for a bj or a quickie so he could get off before bed. I have no problem with daily sex- guys have needs. I get it.- but sometimes I just can’t accommodate at the moment.
> 
> *The situations that actually concern me are where he knows he’s causing me physical pain, but still forces a position because he needs to finish, which can be an hour or more. The few times I’ve tried to get away, yelling and hitting, he’s threatened to wake up the kids and finish anyway, or not let me go to sleep until he gets what he wants. So I just stop fighting and wait for it to be over. I’m not sure what a better course of action would be? Any ideas?*


Don't try to be friends with this poor excuse of a man; you need to get you and your kids away from this unhealthy situation because what he's doing to you is wrong, wrong, wrong. If it were me, I would quietly get all of my affairs in order, organize any paperwork for you and the kids, and one day when the dude is at work, I would kick it into high gear, and get the stuff you guys need to live in order, load up that SUV, and book it out of there. How old are your kids?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Ursula said:


> Don't try to be friends with this poor excuse of a man; you need to get you and your kids away from this unhealthy situation because what he's doing to you is wrong, wrong, wrong. If it were me, I would quietly get all of my affairs in order, organize any paperwork for you and the kids, and one day when the dude is at work, I would kick it into high gear, and get the stuff you guys need to live in order, load up that SUV, and book it out of there. How old are your kids?


This seems like a good idea, but the problem is she has zero evidence of his behavior. That's why I suggest she call 911 the next time this happens. Get everything in order and be prepared to end it, but do it by calling 911 and having the police take him away. Arrange to be out of the house when he gets out of jail, because he'll be angry and probably dangerous. You need a restraining order. It's not going to stop him from trying, but you can call 911 if you see him and they'll throw him back into jail.

And you absolutely need to tell your therapist, because that can also be used as evidence.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Cynthia said:


> This seems like a good idea, but *the problem is she has zero evidence of his behavior.* That's why I suggest she call 911 the next time this happens. Get everything in order and be prepared to end it, but do it by calling 911 and having the police take him away. Arrange to be out of the house when he gets out of jail, because he'll be angry and probably dangerous. You need a restraining order. It's not going to stop him from trying, but you can call 911 if you see him and they'll throw him back into jail.
> 
> And you absolutely need to tell your therapist, because that can also be used as evidence.


I'm sorry, I must've missed something, but I totally thought that she was living through and on the receiving end of his behaviour. Calling 911 is a plan as well, but I would think that he would see what she was up to. At least if she and the kids booked it while he was out of the house, they would be safe. If she called 911 and he knew this info, I'd fear for her while she waited for the police.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I must've missed something, but I totally thought that she was living through and on the receiving end of his behaviour. Calling 911 is a plan as well, but I would think that he would see what she was up to. At least if she and the kids booked it while he was out of the house, they would be safe. If she called 911 and he knew this info, I'd fear for her while she waited for the police.


Yes, she has been living through this constant rape and other abuse. I don't think it matters how long it's been going on, she needs to get the police involved at some point or she will have no evidence and her children will be in danger. Some women stay with the abuser, because it's the best way to protect the children when they have no evidence. I'll bet if she waits until he falls asleep after raping her, that he won't even know she called the police until they wake him up and take him to jail.

It would be best to talk to the police about this first and get a read on whether they would actually arrest him, but she won't even tell her therapist.

The first step is to tell the therapist and get help in working through this whole mess.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I hope the OP is doing ok. She doesn't come here very often and I'm guessing she's still smack dab in the middle of the situation which brought her here. @HorseShowMom You ok there?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I''m wondering if you could record what is happening. What state are you in? Is this a one party or two party recording state? If you could record an incident, that would go a long way in helping you get free of this man.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*

The OP hasn't posted in a while. I hope she is OK. I seem to remember a post where she said that she had decided not to leave, but I may be mistaken.





hubbyintrubby said:


> I hope the OP is doing ok. She doesn't come here very often and I'm guessing she's still smack dab in the middle of the situation which brought her here. @HorseShowMom You ok there?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Cynthia said:


> Yes, she has been living through this constant rape and other abuse. I don't think it matters how long it's been going on, she needs to get the police involved at some point or she will have no evidence and her children will be in danger. Some women stay with the abuser, because it's the best way to protect the children when they have no evidence. I'll bet if she waits until he falls asleep after raping her, that he won't even know she called the police until they wake him up and take him to jail.
> 
> It would be best to talk to the police about this first and get a read on whether they would actually arrest him, but she won't even tell her therapist.
> 
> The first step is to tell the therapist and get help in working through this whole mess.


Yes, I agree with calling the police, and just assumed that would be implied when I posted my advice about getting out. You don't run fast from a marriage like that and not call the police. But, I should have specified. And I agree that she needs to tell her therapist, which is why I also suggested it. She's in danger for sure at this point, and her kids will be too once dude's marriage comes crumbling down around him. Personally, I would still get out first THEN call the police, but either way, as long as she and the kids stay safe and in a secret place, that's the main thing.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Ursula said:


> Yes, I agree with calling the police, and just assumed that would be implied when I posted my advice about getting out. You don't run fast from a marriage like that and not call the police. But, I should have specified. And I agree that she needs to tell her therapist, which is why I also suggested it. She's in danger for sure at this point, and her kids will be too once dude's marriage comes crumbling down around him. Personally, I would still get out first THEN call the police, but either way, as long as she and the kids stay safe and in a secret place, that's the main thing.


I think her therapist and a woman's shelter would be able to tell her exactly how to go about this. I don't think calling the police later will have any impact, because she needs evidence of his abuse in order for them to do something.

You're right, she and the children are very likely in danger as well, especially if she leaves.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



StillSearching said:


> Does your husband have any idea about these things??
> I'd say they are more important than sexual answers at this point.
> These can adversely effect the rest of your life.


WTF?! You do not (and cannot) negotiate with an abuser ... which OP's husband obviously is; he is likely a misogynist and/or a sexual sadist.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I hope this isn’t weird to ask...*



Red Sonja said:


> You do not (and cannot) negotiate with an abuser ... which OP's husband obviously is; he is likely a misogynist and/or a sexual sadist.


True. If screaming and crying while he goes on raping for over an hour isn't going to get his attention, trying to have a reasonable conversation with him isn't going to either.

Basically what the OP asked was how to enjoy being raped as if something is wrong with her for having trouble with this abuse. That shows how damaged her self-image is and how difficult it is for her to fathom leaving this situation. Hopefully we have helped her to see how badly she is being abused, so she will someday find the courage to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The OP has not posted here for about 6 weeks. I'm closing this thread. She can always start a new one if she comes back.


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