# I don't know what to do



## regentrex (May 19, 2011)

My wife and I have been married two and a half years, and were together four years before that. Our relationship has never been what you might call "easy". One of the many obstacles we've faced is my wife's tendency to want to run away when things got difficult.

We both hoped that when we got married it would do something to mitigate that tendency... and it did, to some extent. Since we've been married, she's only threatened to leave me three times (as opposed to it happening on a monthly basis before), which I'd consider significant progress.

This time is different though. This is the first time she actually called a lawyer.

About a month ago we had a fairly minor argument. We were both annoyed, and chose not to speak to each other for a few days (probably not the best way of dealing with it, but I think its better than the screaming-matches we used to have). But then the silence didn't stop. Two weeks went by, and she still hadn't spoken a word to me. I decided I'd had enough, and one night after she'd been out with some friends, I approached her to try and sort it out. It didn't go well.

A few days later I received an email from her attorney, basically informing me that I had 6 weeks to find somewhere else to live.

The last year or so has been very difficult for us. My wife's sister died terribly of cancer, and shortly thereafter my wife was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes. It's been very difficult for us to deal with it, and my wife always complains that I'm not supportive enough of her. I try very hard to give her the support she wants, but somehow I don't get it right - which is naturally very frustrating for her.

Six months ago I lost my job. Initially she was very supportive. She has a good job, and she assured me that she would support me financially until I could find a decent new job. A couple of weeks later she changed her mind. Since then it's been a constant source of strain between us, added to her grief about her sister and her fear of her new disease, it's to be expected that she's very stressed out.

All that considered, I'm not surprised that she's hit me with this divorce. I know that it's her knee-jerk reaction to the situation, and I'm trying very hard not to take it personally.

I've been pulling out all the stops, trying to reconcile with her - trying to reach her and get her to think her decision through. I'm confident that if she did that, she would realise she's making a mistake and change her mind (as she has done every time before this). 

But she won't listen to me. I've tried talking to her, she gets verbally abusive or just ignores me. I've tried sending her instant messages and emails - she either ignores them or replies in a tone so devoid of emotion it freezes my heart. I've even gone as far as asking a mutual friend to put in a good word for me, and try to convince her to talk to me, but that's failed too.

As I'm typing this, she's in the other room talking to him about me loud enough for me to hear... her tone and words are like a scatter of tiny bullets, each piercing my soul. 

The last thing I tried was to ask her to agree to a few sessions of marriage counselling before she continues with the divorce proceedings. So far she's ignored that request. I'm not confident that she'll accept it.

The way I see it, she's made an emotional decision. Being a very intelligent woman, she's constructed an elaborate schema of justifications and rationalisations for that decision, which she uses to explain it to her friends and family. They, all being good-natured, will tend to tell her what they think she wants to hear... which all results in a closed feedback cycle: she makes a decision, everyone she talks to tells her it's a good idea, therefore she's right.

As long as I'm still in the picture, she still has one dissenting opinion in her ear, asking her to question her assumptions. Which, I think, it why she's so reluctant to talk to me: she doesn't want to have her flawed reasoning pointed out. She'd rather just believe it.

My primary concern is for her: I think she's making a mistake. I believe she'll regret what she's doing here, and she's causing herself a great deal of harm by creating a situation that will bring her much mental anguish. She seems to think that it's a better idea to be alone, and have no emotional support rather than have the inadequate amount of support I can offer (or the adequate amount I could learn to give her in the future)

Of course I can't ignore my own needs either: if she succeeds and getting what she wants here, I'll end up unemployed, alone and homeless. From that situation, there's nothing I could do to help her see reason. Or to help her in any way at all.

It seems like an impossible situation. All I can do is keep doing nice things to her, sucking up the horrible things she says and looking for a job. I'm out of ideas at this point.

But surely there's something else I could try - some way to get her to talk to me with an open mind and an open heart. Does anyone out there know what I could do?


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Ugh, I really feel for you.
It sounds like she is still grieving the loss of her sister and isn't dealing with it very well.

Regardless of what is going on in her world, it does not give her the right to use you as her emotional punching bag.

Unfortunately, you have no control over her actions or behavior, so trying to rationalize with her is pointless.
It's too bad that you thought by getting married it would make her not want to leave.

I would suggest counseling for yourself, and to detach from her as much as possible. I know you love her and want to work through this, but she is in a fog right now and you need to just let her be.

I would also recommend you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis.

I'm so sorry your going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Do you really think it is your place to prevent her from making a mistake you think she will regret? Or is it an action that you don't agree with or like?
You can't decide what is best for her. You aren't her father. You are her equal and you have to respect her decision no matter how much you disagree with it.

If she will go to MC, great. If she won't you are going to have to learn to take no for an answer. Sorry but when one partner wants out, they rule.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## regentrex (May 19, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I would also recommend you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis.
> 
> I'm so sorry your going through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check it out.


----------



## regentrex (May 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Do you really think it is your place to prevent her from making a mistake you think she will regret? Or is it an action that you don't agree with or like?
> You can't decide what is best for her. You aren't her father. You are her equal and you have to respect her decision no matter how much you disagree with it.
> size=1]_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


It's not within my power to prevent her from doing anything. What I'm hoping to do is to persuade her to change her mind. I want to talk to her, not force her to do anything. I'm kind of annoyed that you suggest otherwise.



ClipClop said:


> If she will go to MC, great. If she won't you are going to have to learn to take no for an answer. Sorry but when one partner wants out, they rule.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Considering that her actions here will leave me out on the street, I don't have the luxury to take no for an answer.

Besides that, I believe she's making a mistake. All I want is an opportunity to try and demonstrate that to her (or at the very least, an explanation from her as to why she feels this is necessary - surely I'm entitled to that?)


----------

