# has too much damage been done?



## Unsure123

Ok will try an keep it short. Been married almost ten years, have three kids ages 10-4. For most of our marriage we have had porn problems. He knew before marriage how I felt about porn, and that I didn't want it in my life. throughout our marriage he has hidden it, I find it, he promises to never do it again. Then 1 month, 6months, a year later I find it again. More promises broken. I am very adventurous in bed and am willing to do most things with him. He has sworn that he will not look again as he knows it is a deal breaker for me. But how do I believe him this time? Should I? I have explained that it is like someone stabbing you in the toe, once they do it often enough you are always waiting for it to happen again. We came close to divorcing in November of last year, but decided to reconcile instead. The problem is I can't bring myself to trust him. I am afraid that a year maybe two will go by then bam! Another stab.I don't want to waste my life with someone who continually hurts me. We have tried marriage counseling, but after 2 visits the counselor told me he was never going to change. Of course he convinced me she had jumped to conclusions. She also said he had anger issues and could not help us. She had him set up a appointment which he cancelled. I am so confused on what to do. All his past actions have made me into a person I don't want to be. I used to check his email every day, search the house, etc. I have since stopped that, but it is killing me. I don't know what to do. Trust or don't trust? Any advice is helpful. Also I am looking into therapy for myself hopefully to help with the trust thing.


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## Hope1964

What kind of porn does he look at?

And why is this in the addictions forum? Just because a guy likes porn doesn't make him an addict.

If you told him going in that porn was a dealbreaker, he's broken the deal has he not?


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## Unsure123

It is in addition forum because he freely admits he has a sex addiction. All kinds of porn. Only kind I have not found links for is transvestite. Also I think when you spend five hours looking at it while your wife is at work and your supposed to be watching your children it should be classified as a addiction.


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## PBear

So what would you do if you were living with an alcoholic or drug addict who refused to get treatment to stop? Your only option is to let them drag you down with them or cut them lose. 

What did you mean by "we reconciled"? Did that involve him saying sorry, he'd never do it again and you saying you'll forgive him? Or was there a serious effort made to try to fix the issues?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure123

You basically summed up the reconcile. There were some I love you'd in there as well. He has break down days where he says he is gonna get help, but never does. I had never thought to think of it as if it were drug or alcohol. Kinda puts into perspective. Thanks.


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## Hope1964

Well then have a read at the links in my signature. My husband is a sex addict and we are happily reconciling right now, over 3 years after D day. But it's because of what HE did, not anything I did. Your husband has to be the one to put things right, otherwise it will never work.


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## zookeeper

While I don't fully understand why you find porn so objectionable, you made it clear from the beginning that it was unacceptable. He seems unwilling/unable to stop. The path seems pretty clear to me. A relationship without trust simply is not worth very much. 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life snooping on your husband? It will never make you feel more secure because you can only prove he is doing it, not that he isn't. You both deserve better.


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## Legend

For many men, porn is a strong addiction. I was exposed to pornography at the age of 13 and had watched it off and on until my mid-30's. I knew it was sinful and unhealthy but I still sporadically listened to its siren call. One day, I had had enough. I begged God's forgiveness and asked that he remove this urge from my life. Over the course of the next 3 years, I back-slid a few times. However, I was determined to have self control. I began relying only on my wife to meet my sexual needs. I noticed I became more attentive to her and desired her more than ever, not just sexually. 

The last time I back-slid and watched porn, I remember going to my bedroom and falling on my face, literally trembling before God. I knew I didn't deserve His forgiveness. Once I got up, I haven't watched porn since. I still hear its siren call once in a while, but I do something constructive instead or go talk with my wife. During this time, I also stopped masturbating cold turkey. I think that helped curb the porn addiction and certainly made me more amorous around my wife. Again, it was not easy for me to allow my wife to meet all my sexual needs. I used to feel I was imposing on her or being too pushy due to my relatively strong sex drive. This transition has made me realize just how wonderful my wife is and how lucky I am to have her. 

I think almost any husband will have a better relationship with his wife without the millstone of porn and/or masturbation around his neck, as long as he has a loving and responsive wife.


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## Treehugger77

I would try a different counselor! Or you can go to counseling by yourself and they can help you with ways to deal with this issue of trust in your husband. He also needs to recognize that this is a real issue for you and it seems as though he does not take your feelings into consideration. I am dealing with an alcoholic husband but he has yet to say that he has a drinking problem. At least your husband has admitted to his addition, which is the first step!


Keep us posted on your progress!

I wish you well


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## Unsure123

I think I am done. We are trying a week long separation since the kids are out of town for the week. He came home yesterday to get some clothes and punched the wall when I asked if he wanted to talk. He has refused to get help, as he thinks it won't help. I wish I could learn to trust him again, but it feels like I am just waiting for the next time. Sick and tired.


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## mineforever

My husband struggled for 20+ yr with a porn/sex addiction. He is 10 yrs past DDay now in "R", it has been a long journey but we have a wonderful marriage today. I am telling you this to say that they can get over these addictions but he has to want it and he has to do the heavy lifting to make it happen.
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