# considering seperation during pregnancy



## rsr2012 (May 5, 2012)

first of all this is really just to vent, more than to get advice. 
im 22 years old ive been married for 3 years. and im pregnant with our third child. the last three years of my life since the first day of marriage has had many wonderful and special moments but otherwise has been a controlling horrible nightmare. first of all im not an angel in the marriage and i have many faults that have caused massive problems, and so does my husband but thats not the reason im considering seperation. because i know no matter what problems i have or anyone has for that matter can be worked through with support and love. i know ill have these problems with anyone im with not just my husband. the reason im considering seperating is because my husbands controlling and manipulative behaviour is now becoming to much the bare. in the beginning i admit thats what i in advertantly was looking for. i wanted someone to hold me accountable and act like a "father" as i never really had one growing up, but now im maturing i cant handle it anymore. and ive realized its gone from what i thought was caring and supportive behaviour to controlling and dictating behaviour. when i met my husband i didnt have my car license. so for three years i had him chaufer me around. and i was dependant on him for travel. its only in the last month that ive finally got my license and ive become a bit more indepent. when i got my license my husband said he was devastated because now he couldnt 'take care of me'. when i was on my learners in the three years we were married i did maybe ten hours in total of driving with him, if it wasnt for my mum taking me for lessons i still wouldnt have my license. now that i have my license however he dictates when i can have the car, and the days im alowed to have it hes leaves it with no petrol because he believes i have no money which i rarely do. he wont allow me to put the children into day care becuase he doesnt want someone else doing "MY job" and our kids have never really socialized with other children. weve always moved around and my husband has always chosen to live in places out of town, and i know this is because he doesnt want me having access to the outside world.. weve always lived with parents, weve had our own place once and have never stayed in one place longer than 8 months at a time. my husband has never kept a job longer than 8 months. my husband is very charasmatic and people are drawn to him, they love him without knowing him. so we have hads lots of friends, but as soon as they get to know him, they abandon the friendship. which i dont blame them. he uses everyone and never returns favours and never does things for other people. people get sick of him very quickly and because of this ive suffered the only friends i have are ones that have been around before i met my husband. and ones that my husband "approves of". im not allowed to socialize with anyone of the opposite sex. my husband has cheated on me when i was 8 months pregnant with our second child, with and old flame. we had seperated for about a fortnight when this happened and i was having massive antenatal depression during this period which my husband didnt want to and wouldnt understand so i felt the only choice was to be by myself. i didnt find out about the affair until 10 months later. which my husband blamed on me, that i was the only reason it happened because i was crazy and he didnt know what to do. my husband controls and fincances and i never have any money. ive had to secretely save money thats ive recieved from the government to pay my own phone bill and get things for myself and and for the kids. ive never been allowed to have access to the money and when he gives me spending money i have to tell him where i spend every cent. in his defense i have lied to him about money before and he has found out and thus doesnt trust me. but i still dont feel he has the right to hold finances from me and because of this i feel i have no choice but to lie other wise ide have no money and i think id go insane. i do get blamed for everything. everything that goes wrong its ALWAYS my fault and he always tells me im the reason we have so many problems because i dont co-operate. ive never had the choice to be on contraception. he wouldnt allow me to go on the pill. and i have been irresponsible as well with never making him use contraception.. we are constantly fighting and i havent put up with this for years lying flat i do stand up for myself but just not well enough. but when he wants to talk me into believing something i feel helpless. he can talk me into believing anything, and then i feel like an idiot. i always feel hopeless and ashamed. my parents are constantly worried for me. they always seen how im being controlled and manipulated by him. and they always try to talk to me about it. along with other people who have gotten close to us theres always the odd one that feel they should warn me of the behaviour they see. weve had councelling a few times in which one councellor ended up abandoning it, he said, my husband was only there to fix me. and wouldnt accept that his behaviour was unacceptable. he has seen councellors by himself but not long enough for them to see through him. he doesnt lie to them but he has a way of explaining his behaviour so it sounds okay.
we came close to seperating at the beginning of the year but as soon as we did i became a mess, i told him i wanted to seperate and he took the kids and packed the car and left. he left me at our home in the middle of no where 15 km from any town or any people, with no money and no transport. i rang the police but they were no help and said there was nothing they could do, so i stayed for 3 days with nothing and no one, i became massivley depressed and self harmful and contemplated suicide numerous times. he took the kids back to my home town and moved in with one of his old friends. when i finally arranged for myself to be picked up and borrowed money for a train ticket to get to them i was never allowed to see the children, they had to stay with him and i felt i had few little choices,my parents could see what was happening and were very concerned for me but i kept defending him and assuring them it would be okay. i ended up begging him to take me back and we moved into my dads place again for the 3rd time in our married lives. and weeks after i fell pregnant.. im now 12 weeks pregnant and im struggling. every day he tells me if we seperate he'll get the kids because im crazy and have anger issues (which i do have a temper) and ill be left all alone. i dont know what to do anymore. im a very stubborn and determined person, and i cant see this going on for the rest of my life, but i cant see myself leaving him. im so scared of what would happen. i dont know where to go next and i feel like im going from depressed to angry , im so sick of it. im fed up and i dont know what to do.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You need to read this. Just click here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rsr, 

What country do you live in? Knowing this will help people give you solid advice. I get the idea that you do not live in the USA.
Are you living out in the middle of nowhere again? Or does your dad live in a city or town?

Your husband is telling you that you will not be able to see your children if you leave because it's a way to scare you. You need to look up the laws for where you live on child custody and divorce. So what if you have a bad temper. He’s an abusive man… very abusive. Why does he think that’s better?

Has he ever hit you or hurt you physically?

Is there any kind of abused woman’s place near you? If there is you need to go talk to someone there. They might be able to arrange a safe house for you and your children to move to. They might also help you with a pro bono lawyer. These types of places also offer counseling.


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## rsr2012 (May 5, 2012)

He's never hit me. When I found out he cheated on me I lost my temper and tried to push him out the door. And he very violently shoved me. Which he's done on a few occasions. Just threaten me physically with his presence rather than threaten to hit or punch me. My husbands 6 foot 7 in height and he's a very big solid man that can easily dominate most people but ive never really been scared of him until he gets up in my face when he loses his temper. 
I'm Australian, and there's not much around my area for women they send most women to next city over about 3 hours away. And I'm just too scared to do anything like that. I don't want to leave my mum, but I can't talk to her about it because she's worries so much about me.
I want it to work so badly but it's just not happening. I just keep getting blamed for everything. Everytime I get angry or snap at him or don't clean the house properly I get blamed for all our problems because all our problems stem from me. I know it's going to end, I that these issues he has are not my fault but it's just do hard I keep second guessing myself and I know he has kept proof eg. Video and recordings of me losing my temper. When we seperated at the beginning of the year I walked away from him and he took video on his phone of him saying "come back come back I want to fix this" and me just walking away. And I know he has more of it. 

My dad lives out of town, about 13km out... My dads very supportive but also invasive because he's very worried for me. So he lends me his car when he can which helps me out but he feels that if he makes it easier for me to live with my husband that it enables me to stay with him... My dad and my husband don't get along very well.. Its just increasingly getting harder everyday..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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