# Speechless after wife made this statement



## tnguy (Oct 14, 2015)

I am 48 wifey is 52. For the last few months menopause has really wreaked havoc on our sex life. She has made statements like I could probably go on the rest of my life and never have sex again. The statement that has literately blown my mind is she came right out and said this. "Why is it so important for you to have an orgasm? I dont have them every time so why do u need to?" Just dont know how to even start to comprehend her thought process?????????


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Read up on what is actually happening to your W's body. The hormones that used to allow sex to be enjoyable and drive her desires are likely gone. Sex, itself, is likely uncomfortable-even painful.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My exW had same issue and early menopause. Plus she had uterus removed etc.

Sex drive was a whopping zero. Definitely a contributing factor to our splitting.

Talk about it, be open about your concern, and see if she can go to a doctor to help with it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The other possibility-no offense- is that she considers you a selfish lover and now doesn't care if she tells you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

tnguy said:


> I am 48 wifey is 52. For the last few months menopause has really wreaked havoc on our sex life. She has made statements like I could probably go on the rest of my life and never have sex again. The statement that has literately blown my mind is she came right out and said this. "Why is it so important for you to have an orgasm? I dont have them every time so why do u need to?" Just dont know how to even start to comprehend her thought process?????????


*While her self-centered actions are certainly biological in nature, they should, in no way, ever be taken as an excuse to avoid a loving sex act with their spouse! That only gives rise to the notions of selfishness or of them getting their sexual gratification elsewhere!

It's time that marriage counseling be fastly and mutually employed along with therapy from a certified physician! Once those have been adhered to comes a negotiation process up until such time that the medically-affected spouse is back upon their sexual feet!

There is an answer, but fearfully and altogether veering away from sexual relations itself is certainly not the correct one, without just and proper cause as well as medical verification!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

tnguy, you've got to talk to her and tell her that sex is important to you. I had issues with hormone levels and painful intimacy, but I was prepared to deal with and take steps to remedy it, and while I was doing that, I had to use lubricant. My husband HATED that. He was the one who rejected me because my body was no longer able to respond on a dime and behave like it was 20. What I so wish my Peter Pan husband who thought he would 16 forever would have done is come to me and say, I really love you and love being with you, so let's find a way for that to continue. It would have been so wonderful to hear him say, I'll support you in whatever you need, the best gynecologist, an endocrinologist, whatever you need. . . .

Instead, when I would reach for the lubricant bottle, he'd lose interest, and I felt like a complete failure. When I had my hysterectomy, my doctor gave me HRT with a lot of testosterone in it, and I started growing facial hair and a whole host of other consequences, so I asked the doctor to take it out. And after I had the surgery I expected to lose some weight (I was not overweight, but about 9 pounds over my ideal), since there huge tumors and growths and things inside me. But the constant experimentation with the hormones made that hard. 

Menopause is HELL for women. I wish my husband had said, I know this is hard, I know this is tough, I'm here for you and I love you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tnguy,

So why is it that your wife does not have an orgasm every time?

What percentage of the time when you two have sex does she not have an orgasm?

What percentage of the time do you?

.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You do really need to be supportive of her and see where this goes. Support and encourage her to look into treatments and adaptations so you can both continue to have a satisfying sex life - although it will be different or at least disrupted for a while, maybe even a couple of years. If she is using menopause as an excuse to stop having sex with you, then there may be additional reasons unrelated to the physical changes. You can try to ferret those out, but if she isn't cooperative, you won't get answers or attempts to resolve the issues. It doesn't matter about reasons, really, because if she makes no attempt to be your loving wife, it is time to divorce her.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Unfortunately some women make the incorrect supposition that if she doesn't want to have sex or it's unimportant to her, then you don't need it either.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> You do really need to be supportive of her and see where this goes. Support and encourage her to look into treatments and adaptations so you can both continue to have a satisfying sex life - although it will be different or at least disrupted for a while, maybe even a couple of years. If she is using menopause as an excuse to stop having sex with you, then there may be additional reasons unrelated to the physical changes. You can try to ferret those out, but if she isn't cooperative, you won't get answers or attempts to resolve the issues. It doesn't matter about reasons, really, because if she makes no attempt to be your loving wife, it is time to divorce her.


I agree. I felt so unattractive when I realized he didn't want my post-surgical menopause self, and on top of that the nature of orgasm changed and took longer, and he just didn't have the patience. Your wife may not want you to know all that because she feels it changes the game in terms of how satisfying your intimate life has always been. She may feel responsible.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Menopause is hell for a lot of women, and yes, she needs your love, support and reassurance more than ever but that doesn't give her a free pass to completely disregard your needs.

There's a million and one ways you both can compromise here until this passes, but she has to be open to talking with you and working WITH you to achieve this.


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## StuckinMarriageCMC (Oct 21, 2015)

tnguy said:


> I am 48 wifey is 52. For the last few months menopause has really wreaked havoc on our sex life. She has made statements like I could probably go on the rest of my life and never have sex again. The statement that has literately blown my mind is she came right out and said this. "Why is it so important for you to have an orgasm? I dont have them every time so why do u need to?" Just dont know how to even start to comprehend her thought process?????????


I have been living this sexless, rejection hell (per-menopause)for years. I can share plenty but can you answer three questions for me?
1) How fun or otherwise playful has she been since you were married?
2) How has sex life been since marriage?
3) Has the relationship felt more like an arrangement overall?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tnguy said:


> ..."Why is it so important for you to have an orgasm? I dont have them every time so why do u need to?"....


May I suggest that you look at your own thought process. That way you can better explain your needs to your wife and talk about her needs. I would also suggest you read the book Still Sexy after all these Years. It is an interview of a bunch of women over 50 who do not have traditional sex partners due to divorce, death of spouse, illness of themself or spouse, etc. They discuss how they add sensuality and find intimacy even without traditional "sex."

Particularly, look at what sensuality, intimacy, and sex mean to you and if they are the in your mind the same thing. 

I was in a sex starved marriage (that got better after help from a sex therapist and a lot of effort on my and my wife's part). It took a long time for my wife to understand that for me to feel close to her, the bonding that takes place typically after sex is really important. I like many men have sex to feel close to my wife. She has sex with me for different reasons.

Once she understood "how" my mind and body functioned, she will sometimes offer me the gift of her body to make sure that we stay emotionally close. Typically we have now have sex twice a week. 2 to 3 out of every four times she will have multiple orgasms. The other 1 or 2 out of 4 times, she just can't clear her mind enough to allow herself to orgasm.....just too many things on her mind. She still is an enthusiastic lover, but is just focused on expressing her love for me physically. 

When we were in a sex starved marriage, it was different. After the Sex Therapist helped us repair of failing marriage, my wife asked if I would have really divorced her over just a permanent lack of sex. I told her yes, the emotional closeness was that important to me. She found that hard to believe, but she understands it now. 

Also she once told me to not touch her like "that" as if would maker her want to have sex with me and she didn't want to have sex with me. That was the comment I found the hardest the most mind boggling.

Good luck to you. It sounds like you can discuss this with your wife and that is a great start. A sex therapist is also a great help in working through this kind of problem.


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