# Hello TAM friends!



## Paradise

How's it going, peeps? 

Just wanted to check in with everyone and see how they are doing! I've been off of here for the summer and honestly it was a break that I needed. 

This has been a really busy summer with classes, a short vacation, and working my rear off on my parent's farm while waiting for the school year to begin again. But...It was also very much needed. I'll be honest, I spent a lot of time alone and thinking about my past and more important my FUTURE! Yes, I have a much clearer picture of where I am at and what I want and how to get there. I am actually nervous but somewhat excited to get started with school again. I even gave up coaching right now to focus a bit more time and energy on my child and most important on myself. 

One thing I realized after my divorce was that I was masking everything by running crazy in my job and trying to be super dad. Everything I did for two years was for other people and just to stay as busy as I could so that I didn't have to think about anything. I cannot afford counseling so this was the best alternative!!! Well, I gave up a few things now to work through the rest of the issues and I can honestly say I am in a much better place. I'm still working through the debt but I have found ways to have fun and not spend much money (disc golf has become my new found friend and I've mountain biked just about every trail within 100 miles of me) and I've also picked up some side jobs doing things I love to do (put in a large flagstone patio for a friend and other landscaping adventures for other people since I don't have a house). 

My dating life hasn't changed all that much. I've been on a few dates but nothing significant. I still haven't allowed myself to open up to another significant other. I think it goes back to making sure I am at peace with myself. Yes, I was another co-dependent and when married I did everything for my ex to make sure she had the best I could offer even at the expense of my own financial well-being. Kind of dumb, I think!!! lol!!!! Will probably get back into the dating arena at some point but I'm not worried about it. I feel and look good. I'm back down to 210 lbs and at 6'2" I'll take that! I haven't weighed this since my first year of football in college. My biggest insecurity now is still the finances but I've picked up several side hustles to make some extra income. Hoping to buy a house next summer as the walls to this apartment are closing in on me. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to everyone on here. Not sure if some of my old TAM pals are still around and lurking but I gained a lot of insight by reading posts here. Believe me, there are a lot of people who are hurting out there who need to hear your stories!!!! 

Take care everyone!!!! 

Paradise


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## jpr

Hey there, Paradise!

It is really good to hear from you. I still have 2 more weeks left in my summer, and I plan on enjoying it to the fullest. It sounds like this was a really good and productive summer for you.

I understand cutting back on the coaching. I didn't teach a couple of weeks of summer school this year like I did last year---even though I could have used the money. It was just really important for me to spend this time with my son. He is only 2.5 years old, but I have just sooooo enjoyed this summer with him.

Even though starting back to school can be a bit depressing, it is also exciting too. Each year is a fresh start...and there are not a lot of jobs out there that you get that fresh start each year. It is exciting to make goals for youself, and reflect on the successes of the past and improve on the failures of the past. 

Best of luck to you as you start your year! It sounds like you have a lot of goals for yourself!

I hope this year is the best one yet.


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## 827Aug

Hi, Paradise. Glad life is going well for you.

Be sure to hang around and allow our newbies to gain from your insightfulness.


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## Paradise

@827Aug....I'm sure I'll be around a bit more. I finally got internet at my place so I'm stepping up in the world!!! lol...However, I doubt I have much to add around here. There are a lot of really good, intelligent people on this site as it is. 

@jpr....I forgot you were one of the lucky ones in the high paying field of education!!! Ha! I was in your state a few weeks ago fishing with a friend of mine. It was a lot of fun! He lives out there so I'm planning on heading back this spring some time.....2 weeks? You are lucky! But yes, each year is a new start and you would think this being my 15th year I would be less nervous about it but I think I am more nervous this year than ever before. Some of it is the normal stuff (new classes, new kids, etc.), some of it has to do with my kiddo going to school, and the big part is I'm nervous about NOT coaching!!!! I haven't had a football season off since 5th grade! I'm not going to count years but that is a LONG time ago! So, I'm just kind of nervous about finding my place now! 

Anyway, you have a great year as well! I completely understand the taking time away from teaching for a while to spend with your child! Exactly what I am doing (except with sports). It was a great summer!


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## Clawed

Hey there Paradise! Definitely great to hear some positive news from someone who has been through this whole thing. It's really encouraging and I think there are so many people who can definitely benefit from seeing someone who has been there but is doing great on the other side (myself included).

Thank you!


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## Jellybeans

Hi Paradise!

You sound like you are doing great! Very cool that you have kept yourself busy with side projects, school and other things.

It is a process and it sounds like you've got a great handle on things.

This:



Paradise said:


> H
> My dating life hasn't changed all that much. I've been on a few dates but nothing significant. I still haven't allowed myself to open up to another significant others


GOOD for you for being so self-aware. I think this is a great thing. Take time for YOU!!! :smthumbup:


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## Paradise

@clawed....Don't know your story but life is full of ups and downs, no matter what. EVERYONE goes through some form of crisis in their lives. Don't know about you but I took mine WAY too personal. When I finally realized and completely understood how destructive it was to give someone (many people actually) who didn't care about me so much power then I finally started to heal. Yes, a scar remains and will forever, but that doesn't have to define who you are or what you will be....It just reminds you of where you've been. 

Jelly!!!! Good to have you here! Thought you went away! You were my secret TAM crush when I first came on here!!! LOL!!!! And you are right about taking time for me. I've never been very good at doing that. I fight it! So much so that when I gave up the coaching I almost didn't know what to do because I had time for me and I had no idea how to fill that! Babysteps, I suppose! I'm getting there. A work in progress is better than one that regresses. 

Take care all!!! 

Paradise....


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Jelly!!!! Good to have you here! Thought you went away! You were my secret TAM crush when I first came on here!!! LOL!!!! And you are right about taking time for me. I've never been very good at doing that. I fight it! So much so that when I gave up the coaching I almost didn't know what to do because I had time for me and I had no idea how to fill that! Babysteps, I suppose! I'm getting there. *A work in progress is better than one that regresses. *



LOL about the crush. 
And the bolded part--sooooooooooo true!! 

Kudos to you!

Stay busy and stay positive.


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## Paradise

Anyone ever hear from shoo, shoeguy, or niceguy anymore? Still want to get together and have a drink with those fellas......


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## angelpixie

Hi Paradise! Good to see you back and to hear that you're doing well. Sounds like you had a great summer! Good for you on the weight loss, too. I hope this school year is a really great one for you and your kiddo. 

Shoo just posted recently on the 'What would you say to your ex' thread, so I know he's around. I don't post much in Social anymore, so I don't know if Nice is still over there. As to Shoe, I don't know. 

I (and DS) had a victory in that Chinless gave up on the idea of him and the Trampire homeschooling DS next year. He's taking DS out of town next week and they won't be back til the day before school starts, so in the next few days, we'll be doing an orientation at Middle School. :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

Those guys are still around. Send them a PM. Shoo has a recent thread on here.


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## Paradise

Angel....Good to hear about the homeschooling. As long as you stay positive about school and continue to give him the personal skills necessary to negotiate the bullying issues then he will be better off in the end....Plus, keep him involved in extracurriculars!!!! He needs to develop those relationships with other kids and find a path through school. The kids that struggle in high school are the ones who aren't involved. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child and it is more likely he'll find more role models through extracurriculars. I teach upper level science but I know for a fact I've had more of an impact on the kids that I've coached through the years than I have those who have taken my class. THAT is what is killing me right now not coaching....Losing those relationships and I've already felt it just being a few days in. 

Hopefully at some point I'll find another path to take or maybe I can get back into coaching in a few years but I've made my choice at the time being to focus on getting my daughter started with her school and making sure I am there to pick her up and drop her off. THe ex has all sorts of help (older kids, exMIL, sister, new hubby, etc.etc.) and I'm doing it all on my own. The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life!!!! Time is very minimal for me....But, I did not want to be an every other weekend dad and I try my best to be there for my child when it is "my" time. 

Sometimes I worry about that balance. I know I have sacrificed some things for her and that she is too young to really recognize the sacrifices I have made and will make so I'm really not getting any reward for doing what I'm doing, so to speak. But, I'm flirting with that line in sacrificing for someone else and not doing what makes me as a person really tick. THis is one area where I would love to be able to afford counseling but I cannot. Currently my biggest challenge.


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## angelpixie

that really warms my heart, Paradise. No, she doesn't fully see it right now, but it will make a difference later on, believe me. A good relationship between a dad and a daughter is really special. My dad was really good when I was little and we were still closer than my mom and I by the time I was in high school. Even though we hit really, really rough spots later on, I think the fact that he and I were very close at the beginning helped us to get things back together after i was out on my own. I have some very fond memories of my dad driving my friends and I to dances, joking with us and playing 'our music' in the car, us watching hockey games together, etc. You don't have to do huge things, Paradise, just lots of little things done with love. 

It is definitely a tough balance. I am struggling with it myself. I didn't have many outside friendships when I was married, as I was married to my 'best friend'  Now I'm trying to make new friends and have a solo social life for the first time, in my 40s. and it never fails that the night everyone is getting together is a night when I have DS, lol. You just do the best you can, and know that helping a little human being to develop into a healthy grown-up is one of the most worthwhile sacrifices you can make. 

I hope you can find some great things that will fulfill you, too.


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## Paradise

Angel, We'll see what happens with my daughter in the next few years. I just kind of do what I think is right and then try to adjust the best I can as I go. Nothing about being divorced and raising a child is ideal but you just do what you can. Life use to be so much more simple when all I had to do was think about myself. 

Which is a BIG reason why I am not worried about dating. When I'm by myself I think about it some but when I'm with my daughter I devote my time and attention to her. I don't think I have enough time and attention to devote to someone else. It has been a LONG darn time since I've had a serious relationship. 

Fun trying to be "social" and be a parent in our middle ages, isn't it? lol....Most of the better friends I have are all married so their wives are running their social lives. But, I've started just doing stuff on my own. No big deal to grab my bike and ride the trails for afew hours/.


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## jpr

Hey There Paradise,

I hope your school year is off to a good start.

I am lucky that I have a couple of good friends here who are not married, and we hang out a lot. We are sort of a "little family". I don't have any family in the area, so it is nice to know that I have good friends I can rely on when needed.


There is a little sense of freedom in knowing that I can make all the rules in my house myself--and that I am basically in charge of raising my son for the rest of his life. However, it is a little stressful too...something when I realize how much responsibility I really have resting on my shoulders, it can get a little overwhelming.

...but, it is also pretty cool to be so in charge of you own life.


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## Paradise

jpr, if coming home from work today and crashing with a 3 hour nap is any indication of the work week then now you know how it went! Wow! Work is going to be nutty this year! We just have so much going on in our school and so many new initiatives. Going to take me some time to get my feet wet, I can tell. 

I would love for people to follow me for a day and then wonder why they give us teachers extended vacations. I went from 4 am to midnight yesterday between teaching and being dad then woke up at 4 30 this morning. Guess I did need the sleep. Think I'll go grab a bite to eat and have a beer real quick, however. 

Jpr, I have a lady friend that pretty much has the same situation as you in that she has her child almost 99% of the time and she is "in charge." Believe me, I would love nothing more than that. I'll admit, I adjust my schedule too much just so I can have my daughter more and get more out of the 46% of the time I have her each week. Goes back to finding that fine line for me and trying to remember that even though I am raising this precious child I am still the adult and must maintain a happy and healthy life. 

Ok....I'm rambling now. That 3.5 hr nap scrambled my brain. Need to reactivate the other brain cell and wake up!!!


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## jpr

Ohhhh, Paradise.

Reading your last post made me cringe. I am sooooo not looking forward to my work week. That is the most stressful week. The start of the school year is incredibly stressful.

I know this year is going to be tough on me too. They have extended our school day, and they are requiring us to teach one more class. ...and, of course, we are not getting paid any more.  I looked at my class roosters this week. Classes are huge...of course.  ...and of course, there are always those new initiatives and requirements. 

Oh well. It'll all get done and it will be okay. I remind myself often that sometimes teaching is a matter of jumping through a few hoops in order to satisfy the administration. I try not to focus a lot on the "hoop-jumping", and I try to trust my own instincts in my classroom. 

A couple of years ago (when I was in the middle of my separation and divorce), I had the worst teaching year in my career. I was miserable, and dreaded going to work everyday. Part of it was because of personal reasons, but part of it was because I was so focused on all the initiatives of the administration. I tried to be the "perfect" teacher in their eyes. On paper, I looked awesome. I did all of the paperwork and silly projects they wanted me to do....but, my students' suffered from it in the end. By trying to please the administration and be 'perfect' on paper, I lost track of what was important--and that is the students. Meeting the needs of those students is the most important think...and we, as professionals, know the best strategies to meet those needs. That year, I felt like I was failing in my personal life....so, I wanted to at least prove to myself that could be of value in my career.  Big mistake. 

I didn't trust my instincts that year, and I don't think I will ever do that again.

Enjoy your weekend! You earned it!


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## Paradise

jpr, I completely agree with you about the new big ideas that come from the top. One of our older teachers always talks about how the things we are trying to do now is what we did 20 years ago but was just called something else! lol....Of course the technology is new but at the same time there is just too much of it. 

I had a very similar year to what you were saying during my divorce and a really stressful and horrible one following. Last year was much better. I don't ever want to go through another year like that ever again. Awful!!!!


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## Shoeguy

Paradise,

I haven't posted or lurked for some time now. Something compelled me to lurk tonight. Glad to hear you are doing well and shed some pounds. I should take your lead and shed some myself.

Things are going well for me. I can't complain. My oldest is a senior this year and my youngest is a sophomore. I took a new job in the same field but a new company. Heard of 31 gifts?

On the girls front I'm still seeing the same lady since Oct 2011. We just got back from a weeks vacation where she met my extended family. I'm still a little guarded and she understands but we have a great time together and she connects with my kids. She has opened a whole new world for me. We will see where this continues to go.

I hope Shoo and niceguy are doing well. I still wonder how much fun we would have sharing a couple of cold ones together. 

Take care,

Shoeguy


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## Paradise

SHoeguy!!!! Sounds like you are kicking life's a$$! Good for you! Now, what's going to happen when the new lady (guess not "new" anymore) wants to be Mrs. Shoeguy? Hope you are ready for that conversation!!!

What a chaotic start to the school year! I'm still trying to be super dad and still trying to be the best teacher in the building but it is hard to balance. Have not exercised since school started and I am making that a priority this week! Got to get in at least 3 solid workouts! WIll try to progress from there next week. I worked too hard over the summer to throw that away! 

Had a bit of a setback on Friday night. I picked the kiddo up from school and then had to go back to my school for a while to grab some things. As we were leaving the football buses were also leaving the school. It kind of hit me. Almost like I could not believe that it was still happening without me being a part of it. This is something over the next 10 weeks or so I'm going to have to negotiate. It is very hard. I need to confront this soon and then re-adjust and figure out what I want and need in the future. I still think I made the right decision (when I see them practicing til 7 at night and I've spent 3 hours with my kiddo then I realize what I'm gaining) but it is a part of me. 

Guess this is going to kind of be like someone quitting smoking cold turkey!!!! lol...


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## Paradise

This has been a rough couple of weeks. I'm teaching the most difficult class in the entire district right now (We averaged a 4.5 out of 5 on the AP exam last year for over 20 kids). The expectations are through the roof! Lots of pressure and I'm up til midnight every night grading papers and planning lessons. This IS my year from He!!.....

I've had a bit of a setback the past few weeks and I'm sure it is due to my schedule. I work my rear off trying to make sure that when I have my kid I am able to give my complete attention til bedtime. Then I wake up early and go to school. 

I have to find a balance. My body and mind are taking a beating right now. Making me slide into negative and non-productive thoughts again. I don't like being like that at all. When I'm tired and beat up it just magnifies any little negative emotion or feeling and brings them back to the surface. I'm sure it is nowhere near where it was but I was doing so well and I hate to slide back into feeling like crap again.


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## angelpixie

Hugs, Paradise. I hope you're able to find some time to recharge your batteries, too. It's not only OK for you to take some time for yourself, it's necessary. Hang in there, sweetie.


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## Paradise

Well, I haven't updated my own thread in a while and I'm tired of grading papers and prepping lessons tonight. Fact is I'm hitting a bit of burnout. I've become that chicken with head cut off!!! Running around like crazy just trying to make it through the day and then wake up to face the next one. 

I've noticed that I've slid back into some bad habits again. Not exercising nor getting much sleep has kind of soured my mood a bit and I've allowed the past to creep back into my thoughts way too much. I've noticed that I still have a lot of resentment and anger towards the ex and the OM. I still avoid much of any contact and still allow them to enter my head and affect my mood. I wish I could let it go but honestly I'm not sure how. 

I know deep down that I cannot blame them anymore for my life. I know it is on me to fix the things I'm not happy with, accept where I am, and figure out where I'm going. I think I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels right now trying to get out of this mess and I don't feel like I'm moving anywhere. I know it takes time to recover financially and less than two years ago I was one month away from bankruptcy but it does get tiring. I'm working my rear off and any free time I have I work for my parents making more money only to give it to someone else due to the debt. Almost like I have this monthly reminder of my failed marriage over and over again. To top that off I get to watch my ex have her nice new car and new house, etc. I'm sorry, but that is just hard to swallow. I got left to pick up the pieces by myself and she found someone to bail her out. Sometimes I ask myself where my karma is. Maybe I'm getting it? Maybe it was all my fault and now the karma bus did strike after all and it was me it was after? I know that sounds silly. I honestly don't even believe in karma. 

I'm just kind of confused right now. Can't seem to wrap my brain around this new life. Can't seem to make any sense of it right now. I want nothing more than to be able to provide for my child and to be with her and I feel bad that her life is what it is. Having to travel back and forth between homes. I feel angry that the OM gets to see my daughter more often than I do. I'm disappointed in myself that I am still where I am after over two years. I'm sad that I've wasted my mid 30's on someone who didn't really care about me nor our marriage. And I'm tired of giving away so much power to those who hurt me so much in the past when I know it only prevents me from building the life I want in my future. 

Just wanted to get some things off my chest tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

Paradise.


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## angelpixie

((hugs)) to you, sweetie. I'm proud of you for trying so hard. There are many, many people who would just walk away from their family, their debt, their jobs, everything. But you're better than that. Good things will come to you. Keep hanging in there, Paradise.


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## Jellybeans

Chin up, Paradise. Do make time to exercise and get some sunlight. Make goals and meet them! Keep your head up.


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## jpr

Awwwww....Paradise. I know this feeling. 

But, give yourself a break.

A little piece of advice: Multiple Choice.

Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed with grading, I make a strictly multiple choice test or quiz---even though I know it is not a quality assessment. But, you need a break sometimes. It all gets so overwhelming.

I know what you are feeling---feeling down in the dumps. And, I am sorry.  It sucks. But, try to find something to look forward to. I have been pretty down lately too. ....I am running from the sadness, and trying to keep myself busy. I've taken my son to the park every night this week, and taken my dog on walks every night to ward off the sadness. It has helped...a bit.

Tonight, after my son goes to sleep, I am going to open a fancy fall beer and watch some baseball. But, yes, it would be nice to have someone to enjoy these things with.


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## Paradise

Angel, Jelly, JPR...Thanks for the kind words! Averaging 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night doesn't bode well for me. I know I'm having a bit of a rough time right now but I also know I need to just keep pushing through it. I'll be alright. 

Wish some of you TAMers were around here to hang out with. I'm starting to get a little bored. 

JPR...Laughing about the MC tests. I wish I could get away with that! Unfortunately the AP class I'm teaching right now requires me to teach before and sometimes after school just to get everything in. It is the most insane thing I've ever seen. But, some of my kids will get tickets to the Ivy league if they score well on the test at the end. No pressure, eh? 

I look back on my decision not to coach this year and I have to admit, there is no way I could have done it. Maybe in a few years but right now it isn't happening. 

On the bright side...I cannot believe we are already almost 1/4 of the way through this school year. Seems like yesterday I was just getting started.


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## Paradise

Took my kiddo to my town festival today and had a good time. Bought a couple of pumpkins and am now eating a few seeds while relaxing in front of the tv. Going to the pumpkin patch tomorrow. 

Ran into a lady I took out a few times when I first moved into my apartment. That was about 4 months after my divorce and I was a mess and she was as well as she was divorced but she also had her fiance leave her. The only girl I really wanted to date that turned me down. Of course, I say that I really wanted to date her but it makes me wonder if I would have done the same thing to her that I've done to everyone else since my divorce and date for 3-5 months and run like hell??? I also wonder if part of the appeal is the fact that she did indeed turn me down! lol...

Anyway, it did make me start thinking a bit after seeing her. This is the third year now that I've taken my kid to that festival and saw her there. I'm now starting my 3rd time around with most of this stuff. This will be my 3rd halloween, 3rd thanksgiving, etc. And, I've done it all by myself. No help really at all.

Another thing got me thinking as well. I know I'm still not quite ready to date yet but seeing her was the first time in a while that I actually just wanted to reach over and kiss someone! It was a weird thought for me.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Paradise said:


> Anyway, it did make me start thinking a bit after seeing her. This is the third year now that I've taken my kid to that festival and saw her there. I'm now starting my 3rd time around with most of this stuff.


Sounds like a sign to me. Perhaps you are in a better place now to date than you were before. Just make sure that when you do decide to date, that you are committed to that decision.




Paradise said:


> This will be my 3rd halloween, 3rd thanksgiving, etc. And, I've done it all by myself. No help really at all.


 Great job doing so much without someone else driving your bus. You've obviously grown a bit.


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## jpr

Hey Paradise....


You sound like you are doing really well---maybe you don't feel that way, but you sound like you are doing everything right.

A quarter of the way done with school? I am jealous. I am only 4 weeks in...I still don't know all my students names yet.  Too many of them--175 names and faces to memorize.

I know that teaching AP classes can be brutal--especially the first year.  My friend taught AP Calculus for the first time last year, and she was a mess all year long. The good news is that she is way more relaxed this year. So, hopefully you will be the same way next year.

There is so much pressure associated with test scores and student performance. I feel it too...but, I also have to remind myself that I can only do my best. And, that my job shouldn't be my life--if I let it, it would become my identity. 

Your little girl is lucky to have a dad who is willing to put the energy into doing all these activities with her.

One question, though....this lady that you ran into at the festival....are you still attracted to her? have you considered asking her out again?....I mean, you both are in different places now. ....or do you think that ship has sailed?


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## Paradise

Jpr, was trying to figure out how you have 175 but then I remembered you have 8 classes to teach, right? We are headed to blended classrooms since all of our kids got laptops. I bet within 5 years most of our teachers are teaching 200 to 300 students and not all of them will be coming to school everyday. I've already made 25 youtube videos to flip my own classroom. 

You know, your post made me smile. When I look at this school year and see how hectic it is I have to forgive myself for a brief lapse in my mental state!!! I think the difference between now and 2 years ago is that it will only last a short time. I feel like I am coming out of it. I actually do believe that I am going to come out on a better side when I negotiate these emotions. Plus, I've taken on a TON of change in the last 2.5 years. SPeaking of flipping classrooms....I've managed to flip my entire life. 

Another thing you said hit home with me. My old job was my life. It was my identity. When I came to my new job I struggled because of that. I think I can forgive myself for needing some time to figure out who and what I am since for so long I was someone else. 

As for the gal....Unfortunately, that ship has sailed. Would it be nice if it didn't? Sure. I would take a chance with it. We are both in very similar places and financially we would be very compatible. But...It would have to be friendship to start out and I asked her out enough (in most of the wrong ways since I was a mess) the last time around. Maybe if I run into her a few more times I'll take a stab at inviting her over for dinner some night but I'm not going to actively seek her out. I was more interested in the feeling I had. I have been out with a few ladies in the last year and I just have not had that feeling at all for a long time. 

Hope all is well folks.


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## jpr

I have 6 classes...average of 29-30 in each class.

I have been experimenting with flipping too. I do it in spurts. The kids can use their cell phones and tablets in class now, so I am trying to adjust and find ways to have them utilize the technology in a productive manner.


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## Paradise

Well, had a date last night. It has been a few months. I knew immediately that this wasn't going to be anything I would want to pursue but she was friendly and I needed a night out of the house. But....Then she started talking about her ex....And then about her extremely messed up child....Ugh...Why? We had enough other stuff to talk about, why start up on that? 

In the end I realized a couple of things. First, this month will be 3 years since my marriage downfall began. It actually began over 3 years ago but the final straw occurred towards the end of this month. It doesn't really sting anymore. I don't even remember a whole lot of what happened and I don't want to go back to that. The pain is still there but it is different. It is hard to explain. Second, I can recognize when someone is not at peace with what happened and while I might still have some work to do on me I no longer think about the ex as having anything to do with my life and where I am at. I've moved on a LOT! 

The road has been a bumpy one! Nothing has come easy for me since the divorce but I am still here and fighting every day. I'm really starting to think about what my future is going to look like. I'm almost excited about it now. Still somewhat confused but that's ok. For most of the past 2 years I've been reliving the past and trying to survive the day. It's kind of strange to be on that other side now. 

One thing I know for sure....I DO NOT want to date someone that is still searching for answers. Also makes me understand how I should not have been dating in the past few years. I was just not ready for it. But, none of us want to be alone forever and I was afraid of that. Now, I'm perfectly ok being alone and I really do enjoy my free time when I get it. Guess I'll have to keep my eyes open for a special person to drop down into my life now but if that never happens then I'm fine with it. 

Sorry for the jumbled ramble, folks. My thoughts sometimes go faster than I can type. 

Hope all is well, TAM Nation.


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## Paradise

Ok, this is somewhat of a problem for me....

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!

Seriously, I have been dragging a$$ all day today after getting less than 5 hours the past two nights in a row. I wake up tired. I go all day tired....Then, 8:30 EVERY night and I'm wide awake!!! WTH!!!

Any ideas? I can't really take medicine. I've tried other things in the past and any medicine makes me feel like absolute crap the next day. Even my docs in the past have commented on how sensitive I am to medication. But, I've got to do something.


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## angelpixie

Have you tried melatonin? It's not a medicine, per se, as it's something we already have in our bodies, but it can help you get your sleep cycle started. I've been taking it for the last week or two, and it has helped. the one I have also has tryptophan, chamomile, and valerian in it. You're supposed to take two pills, but I don't want to risk that 'hangover' feeling, either, so I only take one.

Another thing I've read is to start limiting your exposure to screens (like TAM, oops, lol) after a certain time, because that type of light can throw off your natural sleep cycle. 

Sleep problems are awful. The more you need it, the more stressed out you get when you can't get it!


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## Jellybeans

Melatonin is a good idea. Chamomile tea.

EXERCISE. Seriously. If you exercise, you will sleep better. 

A glass of red wine too helps.

If you really want to knock yourself out just take some Nyquil.


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Ran into a lady I took out a few times when I first moved into my apartment. That was about 4 months after my divorce and I was a mess and she was as well as she was divorced but she also had her fiance leave her. The only girl I really wanted to date that turned me down. Of course, I say that I really wanted to date her but it makes me wonder if I would have done the same thing to her that I've done to everyone else since my divorce and date for 3-5 months and run like hell??? I also wonder if part of the appeal is the fact that she did indeed turn me down! lol...


Without a doubt. We always want what we can't have. It's the allure of WHAT IF or WHY NOT ME?


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> Without a doubt. We always want what we can't have. It's the allure of WHAT IF or WHY NOT ME?


I know, right!?!?! I haven't seen her since so oh well. 

Honestly, I've kind of quit looking right now. I'm SUPER busy right now so I don't really have the extra time to devote to anyone. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever have that extra time!?

Maybe after this school year ends I'll be able to date a little. But, I'm also going to try to start up my own business this summer. I've reached that point where my salary this year will be the lowest it will ever be (unless I get fired!!!) so any extra money will help to knock out debt a bit faster. I've got a year and a half until I'm 40 and I want to be debt free by then!


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## Paradise

Angel and Jelly.....

All good ideas...Except the Nyquil!!! I took 1/4th of a tylenol pm one night and could hardly get out of bed the next day and felt groggy for two days after. I'm not kidding. I'm 6'2" and 215 lbs and that tiny pill just about was the end of me. 

The glass of wine two nights ago helped...Problem was it tasted so good I drank the entire bottle! oops! 

I wish I could get up earlier to work out but I already wake up at 4:30 to start my day at school. Working out at night make me absolutely wired! 

I'm hoping that when this school year is over I'll have it easier. Teaching AP/college level classes are hard and I'm not the brightest light on the block so I have to work extra hard at it.


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## Pbartender

Paradise said:


> All good ideas...Except the Nyquil!!!





Paradise said:


> The glass of wine two nights ago helped...Problem was it tasted so good I drank the entire bottle! oops!


Heh. The whole reason Nyquil is the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can rest medicine is because it's 10% alcohol by volume.

:sleeping:

Just like that glass of wine.


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Angel and Jelly.....
> 
> All good ideas...Except the Nyquil!!! I took 1/4th of a tylenol pm one night and could hardly get out of bed the next day and felt groggy for two days after. I'm not kidding. I'm 6'2" and 215 lbs and that tiny pill just about was the end of me.


:rofl: I love this! So funny.



Paradise said:


> The glass of wine two nights ago helped...Problem was it tasted so good I drank the entire bottle! oops!


Hee hee hee. I have this problem, too. I'm like, well I'll only have a glass and then voila, it's glass #3. 

I am a wino. 

Your plans to want to just focus on work and stuff sound good. No need to rush dating. It always seems that you meet someone when you're not looking. Least, that's been my experience.


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## angelpixie

I get the same reaction when I take any of the 'PM' stuff (the ingredient that makes it 'PM" is actually good old benadryl, or diphenhydramine, btw). I get a hangover, too, so I don't like it. Ironically, if I drink alcohol too close to bedtime, I am wired all night. :scratchhead: That's why I tried melatonin this time. Ambien CR worked great for years, but I was able to go cold turkey 2 years ago, and I couldn't afford it now even if I wanted to try it again, lol.


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## Pbartender

If melatonin works well for you, ask your doctor about Rozerem... It's based on melatonin and works the same way, but it's super-duper-prescription strength.


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## Paradise

Hello again TAM friends....Thanks for the advice on the sleep. I have tried a few things but I think the biggest thing I've done is to step back a bit from the stress of school and allow myself to breathe. True, I'm still going on 4 hours a few nights a week but that is by necessity, not because I just can't sleep. I just flat out bit off a bit more than I can chew right now. 

I spent the day in a tractor on my dad's farm and it was so relaxing. Listening to old school country music while hauling corn from the combine to the truck over and over again was therapy for me. I'm a thinker by nature and that sort of "work" is just perfect for me. It's funny, I spent my entire childhood striving to leave the farm and now I find myself gravitating more and more back to that place. 

I mentioned a few posts back about running into a gal I liked quite a bit after my divorce. Well, I was debating on putting my profile up on a dating site (not sure why since I don't have the time for it) and the second I started browsing a bit to see if I wanted to put my profile up again I saw her. I cannot believe that i still have feelings for this lady after more than two years of very limited contact. I quit looking after that. Been thinking about her nonstop for the last two hours. 

I realize this ship has sailed because I made some goofy and normal post-divorce mistakes. My emotions were all over the place. I am healthy now and feel great...Better than i have in many, many years. I'm free of my ex and the drama and I don't harbor bad thoughts anymore about being left for another man. My confidence is coming back, slowly but surely. I am indeed a different man. But....Why do I still have feelings for this gal after two years? It's strange. I haven't really even thought about dating for a while now and yet she is still on my mind. I never even got to kiss her. Really wanted to then and yet I still want to. So strange. I can't make heads or tails out of this. 

Ha! Another long post by me! Sorry folks...I don't post much so when something doesn't set well with me I can be long-winded. 

So, what does this tell me? I think I am finally ready to open up a bit to someone. Maybe not this gal but someone I have an attraction to????? I'm confused right now!!!


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## angelpixie

So, I don't know the story with this woman, but is contacting her now totally out of the question? From what you posted, it certainly sounds like she is someone you have an attraction to, lol.


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## jpr

Hey Paradise...

I am glad to hear that you are starting to find a balance in life. 

About the girl...it might be a case of 'retrospective rose-colored glasses'...the fantasy of her might be appealing, but in reality you guys might not be a match?? :scratchhead: ....but, you know what? You'll never know if you don't take the risk.

Is there a reason you are not taking the risk? Why not ask her to dinner?...or at least see if she was interested. If she turns you down, then you can at least put her out of your mind--because then you can tell yourself that she is just not an option for you anymore.

I would imagine that the fantasy of her will always be there in the back of your mind, unless you make a move.


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## Paradise

Wow...Lol...Another bottle of wine and I start typing on TAM! 

JPR and ANgel...Yes, that ship sailed and I LOVE the phrase "retrospective rose-colored glasses." That is awesome!!! Other than when I'm sitting here bored to tears and 3 sheets to the wind do I type on TAM about some random chick I was interested in 2 years ago! 

I don't even have her number anymore. Just see her occasionally (like twice a year). More than anything is the fact that I know I am ready to date a bit and to open up to someone and let them into my world. I've spent a few years pushing everyone aside that has entered my life and I don't feel the need to do that anymore. 

Hey, hope you gals are doing great! JPR, ready for christmas break to get here? Cannot get here soon enough!


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## ne9907

Paradise said:


> Wow...Lol...Another bottle of wine and I start typing on TAM!
> 
> JPR and ANgel...Yes, that ship sailed and I LOVE the phrase "retrospective rose-colored glasses." That is awesome!!! Other than when I'm sitting here bored to tears and 3 sheets to the wind do I type on TAM about some random chick I was interested in 2 years ago!
> 
> I don't even have her number anymore. Just see her occasionally (like twice a year). More than anything is the fact that I know I am ready to date a bit and to open up to someone and let them into my world. I've spent a few years pushing everyone aside that has entered my life and I don't feel the need to do that anymore.
> 
> Hey, hope you gals are doing great! JPR, ready for christmas break to get here? Cannot get here soon enough!


Eventhough I am going through a divorce, I am still a romantic a heart.
I think you should try to contact this woman from two years ago. Have you seen the movie "Serendipity"?

Who knows? Maybe it is meant to be or maybe this is just the rollercoaster (me) talking!!


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## angelpixie

LOL on the drunk-TAM-posting, Paradise. Better that you post it here, than start messaging her on the dating site, I guess! :rofl:


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## Paradise

angelpixie said:


> LOL on the drunk-TAM-posting, Paradise. Better that you post it here, than start messaging her on the dating site, I guess! :rofl:


Yes, that would have been incredibly embarrassing! lol....Not saying I would never do such a thing but it would be highly unlikely...Now, give me another bottle of wine and then all bets are off! 

Angel, sorry to hear the new fella didn't work out! It is VERY hard to find someone at this point in our lives. I have really struggled finding anyone I would date. 

Why is that? Why is dating soooo much more difficult at this point in our lives? Are we all really that much different now? I mean, I dated pretty much non-stop for years. Had a girlfriend through high school and early college, dated after her and I broke up other than a short stretch my first year out of college straight to when I got married. I'm going on three years without what I would call a significant other. I've dated but it just hasn't felt right. 

I just don't get it. Is it because we have kids? I mean, I know if and when my ex divorces hubby #3 she will be dating immediately after and will probably get married a 4th time before I even have a girlfriend. Hell, I'm a great guy. I have a good job, I take good care of whomever I am with, I don't go out to the bars, gamble, drink (too much). I'm still in awesome shape in comparison to even the high school kids I've coached. I just don't get it.


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## Jellybeans

Paradise, since she is still on your mind, maybe you should reach out to her.


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## NoWhere

Paradise said:


> I mentioned a few posts back about running into a gal I liked quite a bit after my divorce. Well, I was debating on putting my profile up on a dating site (not sure why since I don't have the time for it) and the second I started browsing a bit to see if I wanted to put my profile up again I saw her. I cannot believe that i still have feelings for this lady after more than two years of very limited contact. I quit looking after that. Been thinking about her nonstop for the last two hours.


 Maybe its the romantic in me, but that seems more then just coincidental. Meant to be?


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> Paradise, since she is still on your mind, maybe you should reach out to her.


Maybe you are right. I think I'll just wait til Christmas and propose....Perhaps a bit early for that????:rofl:


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## Jellybeans

Yeah, it may be too early for a bling bling ring but you could... call her.


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## Paradise

Having a bit of an off day today. I gave up coaching this fall to spend more time with my kiddo. But....I miss it terribly. I'm not adjusting well and I haven't at all. I know I shouldn't do it but I peek at the scores of the teams and I break down every time. Almost like I cannot believe it is all going on without me. 

Another issue has been finances. I knew I would take a bit of a hit moneywise by not coaching so I've supplemented my income. I'm actually making more now than I ever have but at the same time my rent went up, insurance went up, and my bills have actually exceeded any extra that I am earning. I am STRESSED OUT! Christmas is coming up and if everything would have just stayed the same or only increased a bit then I would be in good shape and I projected that I would have most of my "marriage" debt finished by now. I'm not even close. Looking at maybe two more years now! That's how insane my bills have become. 

I am about as frugal as I can get. I'm wearing the same clothes I've had for 5 to 6 years (some of them are older). My vehicle is falling apart, my phone sucks, etc. All I spend my money on is food, bills, debt, and my kiddo. To make matters more frustrating, the ex continues to spend money like crazy and lives a much more luxurious lifestyle with the POSOM as her current hubby. 

To top it off, since all I do is work to try to pay the bills I really haven't even had a chance to date at all. I cannot believe my life turned out like this. I look back 4 to 5 years ago and look at all I had and the time I had to do fun stuff and now I am a slave living in this awful apartment. 

I know money isn't everything and it doesn't make people happy and the biggest issue is still the same as it has been since the beginning...My ego! I've been humbled something fierce...I keep trying to be patient and wait for it to be my turn to catch some breaks but they just don't seem to come. 

I harbor no bitterness or anger towards the ex. Really none at all. I just cannot believe I am still in this same place working my a$$ off nonstop and yet I still can't seem to catch a break and see any light at the end of the tunnel. 

Maybe it's time I speak to a counselor or something. I'm not depressed but I am tired. I'm beat up. I just don't really know what to do. 

Vent over...Hope everyone is having a great weekend.


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## Jellybeans

Could you pick up coaching again since you love it and to help out with extra cash flow?

Sorry to hear you are struggling now.

You could always look for a new job, too, higher-paying. 

Try not to focus on the negatives and instead turn to the good things you do have in your life.

You said: 

_ It is VERY hard to find someone at this point in our lives. I have really struggled finding anyone I would date. 

Why is that? Why is dating soooo much more difficult at this point in our lives? Are we all really that much different now? I mean, I dated pretty much non-stop for years. Had a girlfriend through high school and early college, dated after her and I broke up other than a short stretch my first year out of college straight to when I got married. I'm going on three years without what I would call a significant other. I've dated but it just hasn't felt right. 

I just don't get it. Is it because we have kids? _

I hear you. I've always thought that finding a good partner/compatible partner is like finding a needle in a haystack. Perhaps as we get older and go through life, we tend to stick around for less bullsht so we aren't as apt to cling to something we know won't work or make an effort? Or perhaps it's because there are just different phases in our lives and when we were younger it seemed easier and the future was brighter OR we were more naive. 

I personally do not have children and it is hard for me to meet folks I want to date, too. They seem like anomalies.

Keep your head up.


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## angelpixie

Paradise, I think part of the reason we have difficulty now is that, yes, we are different now. If we've really tried to look at our past relationship and find out what went wrong and what part we had in it. It's funny you mention that you expect your ex to move right on to H #4 after this marriage ends. That doesn't really put her in any great light, or make her look any more 'successful' than you. 

I wonder if it's somewhat harder for the left-behind-spouse to get back into dating because of trust issues and that loss of 'innocence.' When younger people are dating (like high school and college age), they are still hopeful about the future, they have dreams of meeting that 'one person' that they'll be with forever, have a family with, etc. We've had those hopes and beliefs beaten out of us, in a way. Many times, we've been exposed to some pretty awful treatment and examples of crazy or abusive behavior in the process. So, we venture out into dating with a rather wary attitude from the get-go. Then we are hypervigilant for 'red flags' because, God knows, we never want to repeat what we just went through. 

If we have kids, there are other additional things to consider, depending on how old the kids are and whether or not they live with us. Not to mention the practical issues of dating with kids, like schedules, etc. And, with kids, we are (hopefully) less likely to just give 'anyone' a shot, so that lessens the numbers in the dating pool, too.

Add all of that up, and yeah, dating sounds like not very much fun, not worth the hassle, and the risk far outweighs the reward.


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## Paradise

Happy early thanksgiving TAM Nation!!!!! 

Amazing what sleep and an awesome workout does for the mind! Did my first p-90x workout this morning and I'm already to the point of barely being able to move. Kind of a wake-up call for me, though. To think I played college football and now I'm in such horrible shape that doing some pushups and pullups just about kills me!!!

I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. I'll actually be spending it working on my dad's farm and then eating some good food tomorrow night. Wake up Friday morning and do it all over again. 

It was three years ago on Thanksgiving that I got the message that the ex was going to divorce me. Nice of her to do it on that day, eh? Yes, she's a sweet one. I still remember sitting there at my parent's home and the raw nerves, anxiety, fear, shame, etc. that I was feeling. I'll always remember that feeling. The anger didn't kick in until later. I was completely and totally focused on how I could save my marriage. Damn, I'm glad that is over!!! 

I have hope for 2014...I really do, for the first time in a long time. Even though 2013 has been incredibly difficult, especially from a financial perspective, I do feel like I am ready and due to have some breaks go my way. 

I might even be ready to welcome a girlfriend into my life at some point if I can find the right one. Like Jelly said in one of her prior posts, I feel like the black lump that was my heart for the past couple of years is finally starting to thaw out a little and may be ready to allow someone else to enter it....

Not sure about all of you but I am finally ok being alone and being a part-time dad over the holidays. Not that I will ever think it is ideal but it is the hand I was given and I've got to make the decision to play it or trade in the cards. Like I said....Feeling that 2014 is going to by my year. 

Happy turkey day, friends....

Paradise


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