# Moved to new house and now everything is a mess



## sadandunsure (Mar 26, 2014)

I don't know if I need to vent or if there's any advice anyone can actually give on this but here goes. I've no idea what to do at this point and neither do any of my friends or family.

Fall of 2018 moved in with my girlfriend. We had previously talked about selling both her house and mine and buying a 3rd house together so she knew when I moved in I wasn't planning for it to be years. After I moved in we discussed buying that new house in fall 2019. She stated that she didn't want to move over the summer so we could do hiking trips and such. Fine, made sense. After we got back from a trip in the spring I said that we had some time between then and summer to look at houses now and see what we could find. Would that work? She said yes. We talked to a mortgage guy, a real estate agent, and found a house we liked (or so I thought). Bought the house and moved in May. We agreed before we moved that after that we could clean out her old house and sell it as soon as we could.

Shortly after moving she had buyers remorse. Her commute was longer and she couldn't stand it. Hated the neighborhood (why I don't know). Kept saying we moved to the suburbs and she left the city. We had moved all of 4 miles but now she had to get on a highway to go to work. Our wedding is planned for June 2020 and she now regretted buying a house before we got married as well. She never finished cleaning out her old house and continued to pay the mortgage on it while it sat empty. We fought all summer and I got laid off last July. While unemployed she pitched the idea of getting married for insurance. I initially agreed but as the fights continued and the courthouse appt got closer I eventually backed out. I said we needed to resolve the living situation first. 

Also she never finished unpacking when we moved. There are still boxes everywhere in the basement and nothing has moved or changed in months. She just stopped.

More months of fighting followed and she finally said she needed to not be emotionally involved with a house she hated so I agreed to refinance it and take her off the title and the loan. She signed the papers. Then said I needed to marry her before we could buy another house. In a moment of weakness I did and now I very much regret it.

Now she accuses me of ruining her credit because if she sells her old house her credit score will go down. She's now been paying a mortgage on an empty house for 8 months. She's purged none of her stuff (she's kind of a hoarder). Won't clean this house or organize it. Also caused property damage to it while I was out of town on a work trip a few months back. Threw stuff down the stairs and knocked holes in the walls.

So now she wants to move back to her old house which is the one thing I won't do. I've agreed multiple times to find a different house in her old neighborhood but she still won't sell the other one. Told me last night she may never be ready to give it up. I should also mention the old house is a piece of junk. It's a 1940s bungalow that's barely ever been updated. It needs new bathrooms, electrical, plumbing, kitchen, etc. It has very small closets and the basement is more or less unusable. My mom visited once and was appalled that I lived in it. It needs to be gutted at the very least and likely torn down. It was also dirty and my GF had let the dogs pee and poop all over rugs and tile and never really cleaned it. At one point I wiped windowsills and they were just black from dirt. The curtains are from the 80s. It's just gross basically. It needs new carpets and flooring too.

Right now she also doesn't pay any of the bills on the house we live in currently. I'm paying everything.

I'm in a mess and I have no idea how to get out.........:crying:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why oh why did you even consider marrying her when things were such a mess? She is such a mess?


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## sadandunsure (Mar 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Why oh why did you even consider marrying her when things were such a mess? She is such a mess?


Because outside of living together we get along great. And I was a massive idiot. I should also add that even her father thinks I should leave her at this point.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sadandunsure said:


> Because outside of living together we get along great. And I was a massive idiot. I should also add that even her father thinks I should leave her at this point.


Your father in-law is correct. 
Who’s to say she won’t burn your house down the next time you’re not around?
Let her move back to her old house, change the locks on yours and start divorce proceedings. 
Oh and make sure your house is well insured......


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

sadandunsure said:


> I don't know if I need to vent or if there's any advice anyone can actually give on this but here goes. I've no idea what to do at this point and neither do any of my friends or family.
> 
> Fall of 2018 moved in with my girlfriend. We had previously talked about selling both her house and mine and buying a 3rd house together so she knew when I moved in I wasn't planning for it to be years. After I moved in we discussed buying that new house in fall 2019. She stated that she didn't want to move over the summer so we could do hiking trips and such. Fine, made sense. After we got back from a trip in the spring I said that we had some time between then and summer to look at houses now and see what we could find. Would that work? She said yes. We talked to a mortgage guy, a real estate agent, and found a house we liked (or so I thought). Bought the house and moved in May. We agreed before we moved that after that we could clean out her old house and sell it as soon as we could.
> 
> ...


You bought a house with her, even after you saw how she treated her own house?

Then you married her in "a moment of weakness"?

You don't know how to get out?

You help her move her stuff back to her house, that's how you get out. Then you amicably file for divorce. She keeps her house, you keep yours. 

Once she moves out, if you have to get a housemate to help pay the bills, at least you are the owner and can determine if you want to allow pets, and the level of cleanliness you expect.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sadandunsure said:


> Because outside of living together we get along great.


Living together, whether married or not, is for people who get along great. People who don't get along when living together, don't belong together. There's nothing "great" about it. In fact, your statement strikes me as an oxymoron. She's a dirty slob and a hoarder. 

You didn't think this through. And impulsive/stupid moves always come back to bite us in the ass. 

1. Move her back to her dump.
2. File for divorce.
3. Keep your current home.
4. Do some serious introspection as to what really constitutes a good, solid relationship.
5. Spend time learning who you are and what you want.
6. After a period of (hopefully) self-realization, then consider a relationship.

JMO.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've only been married a few months? Look into an annulment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your FIL.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You need this ...

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Book by Robert A. Glover.

If you are like this right now, you inability to make a stand. What is this thing about her that you, allow her to control you? 

How long have you know her before you moved in the first time?

She is telling you passively she likes living like she does and your not really getting the hint.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Never accuse us of being 'this' mean!

Odd, yes.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't see in his writing that he is in love with her, just that he lives with her. And he married her?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You should be in the honeymoon stage, instead you already regret marrying her.

You basically have already split the assets, and have a chance for an annulment.

Your entire life together has been a series red flags.

Cut and run directly toward a happier future, the path your on now is downhill spiral.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

sadandunsure said:


> Now she accuses me of ruining her credit because if she sells her old house her credit score will go down.



The rest of the advice you've gotten is good so I'll ignore adding anything there, but I simply wanted to comment on this.


It is Bull****.


Your credit doesn't go down because you've been faithfully making payments. And, there's only once instance where closing an account that is paid as agreed will result in your score going down. That's when you close your oldest open revolving tradeline (typically a credit card.)


As a matter of fact, selling the house and paying off the loan would make her credit score go up and substantially lower her debt to income, which banks care about as much, if not more than, your credit score.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

She sounds like a serious hoarder. OCD, bi-polar....major mental health issues.

I may have missed it, but have you discussed her seeing a doctor? does she already see one? is she on meds? If not, is she willing to talk about it? Follow through? Or denial?

I would be having THAT conversation, because you have described some manic stages. Put your foot down and make sure she knows it is her dealing with her mental health or she can kiss you a$$ good-bye.

Enough of the yo-yo. I have been on that roller coaster and it is a hard ride to get off.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> You've only been married a few months? Look into an annulment.


People have to understand there has to be grounds for annulment and length of time married is not grounds.

Sooooooo looks like you made an impulsive decision. It happens. Now it's time to reset. If you definitely feel you two cannot make it and it will be a life of disaster, end it. Things are things. But you only get one life and sanity. Which is more valuable?

If she still has her old house...that was a serious blessing in disguise. Have a heart to heart conversation about her moving back to her own house and get the divorce. It is also a blessing that you are NOT depending on her to help pay for the house. Things could be so much worse. You have some ways of escape...use them before you are even more entangled!

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sadandunsure said:


> Because outside of living together we get along great. And I was a massive idiot. I should also add that even her father thinks I should leave her at this point.


You'll trudge on, and it will get better.

And don't beat yourself up because we all know hindsight is 20/20. 

It sounds like you've identified decisions you have to make, are making some along and along and will get to a reasonable spot.

Hang in there!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> *People have to understand there has to be grounds for annulment and length of time married is not grounds.*
> 
> Sooooooo looks like you made an impulsive decision. It happens. Now it's time to reset. If you definitely feel you two cannot make it and it will be a life of disaster, end it. Things are things. But you only get one life and sanity. Which is more valuable?
> 
> ...


Maybe, maybe not depending on the state. But, an undisclosed mental condition might qualify as grounds.


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