# My Wife's Emotional Affair... My Battle Strategy



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Hi Everyone - 

I can't believe I'm sitting here writing to you about this because my marriage was not supposed to turn out this way. I will make this short because I know many of you have been in my shoes in one way or another. Here goes...

I met my wife when she was 17, I was 21. a soldier stationed in Germany. We connected instantly. It took me 6 months of texting and meeting up before she finally let me go to her house. Once she opened her door, that was it. I left for Iraq, she waited, I came home and was with her for 3 years until I got out of the Army, took her back to the states and married her. She was 19, I was 24 at that time. 

Six years in, married for 3, my father passed away of cancer. Long story short, my dad and I never got along until I joined the Army and he met my sweetheart. We became best friends. Six months later he died. I was crushed. He was only 58, I was 26. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety over this and didn't get a hold of it until 2009. 

Rewind to 2008, wife was always *****ing about her job as a file clerk. I told her to quit and I would support her through school. After three months, she gave in and studied to be a Nurse. During this time, our son was a toddler. Life started to get hard. Outtings slowed dramatically. I started hanging out on the PC a lot; it was my life away from reality. Wife was struggling through an intense Nursing school after finally being accepted in 2009. 

She always wanted to go out dancing, I always let her with no backlash. The plan was to struggle now, give the wife freedom. We both planned on a ****ty life until she graduated in 2011, so I didn't mind at all. She's not the cheating type, all my friends and family would agree. I had nothing to worry about.

Fast forward to October of 2010. Our lives were suffering. I complained about my stressfull job as I often had to work from home after hours and travel sometimes. She understood. She knew I was smart. Got promoted 3 times in 3 years. I was "climbing the corporate ladder," as one might say :awink:

We had a beautiful new home, two cars, a wonderful, well behaved son. We did things on the weekends, but all of a sudden, things started to get routine. I would initiate, I'd be on top, she'd finish on top. Five minutes, we're done. She never wanted to ****. I had a high sex drive, she had a low one, or so I thought. 

We both expressed interest in moving back to her home country. I got a job offer there, she advised I take it to get established, get ahead, start our life, while she finished Nursing school in the states. That was October of 2010. I got here, realized how much our marriage suffered, called wife, apologized for all of my wrongs, wished I could erase, rewind, redo... Wife was happy to be alone and free at last... 

Christmas 2010 came along, wife spent 3 weeks here, acted reserved the first week until I approached her and asked what was wrong... "I feel like I love you more as a friend than a husband," she said. ****ing OUCH! I told her I understood, we've been through a lot of ****, lets just be friends and start over and see what happens. So, friends only, life was great, we joked, laughed, played, went out, I had the women fall in love with me all over again. I rocked her world the rest of her time here. Then she went back for her third semester of school...

Three weeks pass, she's slacking on the calls and texts again. She fell into the same mindset she was in before she came for Christmas. There was a guy she met through a friend, he's 20, in the Airforce, tall, skinny, red hair, freckled ****head, so I didn't worry. I'm kind of short, 5'10, but good looking, smart, educated, level headed, what do I have to worry about. Plus she told me about him.

February 18th, Skyped with her, she told me she would go to a friend's house over the weekend. I said cool, have fun. Love ya! The next day, I stummbled across her email and found a ****ing hotel reservation for *1 king bed and 2 adults* in Idaho. Well, gee golly, Idaho is damn near 10 hours from where my wife lives and she just told me she was spending the weekend at a friend's house (who doesn't live in Idaho.) I sent her a text at 2am her time and asked "where are you?" Seven hours later she responded and said she was passed out sleeping. I asked what she ended up doing over the weekend and she said "eat, drink, sleep, you?"

Then I busted her, told her I knew about the reservation, knew she had 1 king bed and 2 adults, told her she was in Idaho, 10 freaking hours from where she lived. Her OM thought he'd shed some light and save the day via text until I called her cell, owned him over the phone, got him to apologize, scared ****less, wife was too scared to talk, bla bla bla miserable bla.

This guy is 20. I'm 30. Wife told me he regrets trying to be the hero. Anywho, caught her in a big lie, she said they're just friends. She needed to get out of town for a weekend, understandable. The situation obviously doesn't look kosher, but my wife is a very friendly person and can get along with guys just as well as girls. She was always a dude kind of chick hence the farting after three weeks of knowing her. This guy could have damn well been just a friend.... Not.

So, looked into her cell phone account, the week leading upto this event, I found 467 texts between the two of them, meanwhile she was giving me the cold shoulder, shrugging me off, I was the bad guy, yea bla bla. Here we are today...

So, where to go from here. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we vented. Turns out I don't sexually attract her, yea, makes sense. I know I neglected her, where I went wrong, how to fix it BUT...............

You guys, she's the love of my life. I could have any girl I wanted, but I want her!!! I married her, she's mine, she's my son's mother, I know her inside and out, I know what she wants and needs and god damnit I stood there while she puked, and I gave her aspirin and I ****ing nursed her and I caressed her and I gave her hope. That ****ing woman is MINE. Crys. I would take bullet for her, I promise you. I would die for her. 

Yea, I neglected her, I didn't feel for her, I didn't put her sexual needs in front of my own, I didn't stay toned for her, I didn't take her out, I didn't show her off, no flowers, no love, no massages... I ****ing GET IT, alright? Why didn't she ****ing tell me earlier! That woman waited two god damn years before letting me know she was no longer sexually attracted to me! Piss poor comunication!

**** this. I'm done, man. I already talked to the OM on February 19th, he **** himself. At this point, because of the past and because of what I read, she's in "the fog." My plan, though, is to just be her friend. Be her friend when I visit, no pressure, no lovey dubby **** unless she initiates it. Just friends the way we used to be. I don't care about money, work or long term goals at this point. I've laid it out for her and asked if she wanted to go to MC, she said yes. Then, later she sais, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't (sometimes obviously meaning she would rather get her fix elseware,) but knows what she could potentially throw away. 

I won't drag our hopeless marriage out. I won't beg her, I won't express my love to her, I won't pin the kid and the past 9 years on her because that's cheating to get my way. I'm just going to be the man she met 9 years ago except, bigger, stronger, smarter and see if I have what it takes to get her mind off of her EA/PA and back onto her family. If not, no whistle blowing, no backstabbing, no begging... I'll just find another girl and bring to my new relationship all the lessons I've learned from my current marriage. My new girl will be floating on cloud 9, I promise you. That's the only way I can cope. A PA would destroy my hope for working out my current marriage, but lets see what happens. I visit her in 10 days...

I know, document her emails, call logs, key logger, been there done that. I'm I.T., that was my first thought. I know you guys say break off financing, tell her family, tell his family, but why? I can learn from this marriage and live a fairytale in my next one, right? That's MY personal bright side. She could have talked to me, she coud have expressed her concerns but didn't. Yea, it's half my fault, but half her's too. I'm not looking for apologies, afaircare (although our stories match, lol) sympothy, nothing. Just venting. I'm not a ***** nor a pushover. That woman would be out this door if I find out she had a PA. An EA, on the other hand, I can deal with. She wanted what I wasn't giving her... Makes sense. 

All I can do is be the best guy that I can and if it doesn't work out, learn from it....


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Im in the same boat so i'm sorry i cant give advice but certain parts of your story is similar to mine.

I feel like you..and i'm really sorry this happened to you man.

Fcking sucks...Trust me i know.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I hear you, man. I'm sorry for you too. I read your story earlier in the day. Not really looking for advice I guess. Maybe just reassurance that I'm handling this with sensitivity, for the sake of the past 9 years, but also like a man who's not a pushover...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This was a long post. I dont get the hotel reservation part? 

What was that all about? 

Maybe there was some emotions that were shared there or something like that?

It looks like she respects you enough to have a EA so I quess she wouldn't lie to about a PA?

I'm thinking denial here and you may want to take a second look at what your up against.

You have a game plan and if it works for you great, I suggest you just take another look at whats really going on. Since money is no problem I would get a PI and verify if a PA is happening since that would be the deal breaker for you.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

One room, one bed, two adults, out of town....and you think no PA??????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think we should give thirteens wife the benifit of the doubt, maybe they just laid together with there clothes on and shared emotions.
Cliton smoke pot but didn't inhale, so maybe 13-wife layed with the OM and didn't have sex?
All he needs to do is hire a PI and he will know for sure.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Yeah Clinton never had sex with that woman either.......


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Sounds like to me even if a EA or PA is in play he still Like I Loves his wife & although he is Pissed & Hurt he doesn't want to just "Bow Down" and surrender without a fight.

Your 30...I'm 32.

And im sure we both look at a 20yr old and scratch our head like "How & Why Tha Fck"...it not like were 70yrs old!

But i hear you man. Implement your plan ... it doesn't hurt to at least try to put up a fight for the greater good.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

Just for the record....
A Hotel Room for a weekend and a flight to another State combined with a Piece of sh*t OM who got scared like a lil ***** when confronted = PA

So Don't fall for the Bullsh*t 13


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## sadguy (Dec 27, 2010)

going to keep it short???? man i feel your pain and if you think that nothing happened in that hotel room then maybe you need more help than you think you do already.... even if there was no sex, (pfft, really) there was odvious intention which to me is worse than the act. i have alot of anger but if it were me i would..... *prob shouldnt post that* you get it though. GL


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

An EA said:


> IDK, I couldn't handle my chick and OM professing there love for each other. I mean if my WS just wanted to screw that is one thing but for her to fall in love and tell this guy our secrets and confide in OM about all our problems and missing him instead of me, it would be the deal breaker.
> Well my W wasn't a virgine when I married her so I guess I look at things differant. Same with sex I... when my W was getting laid just to get laid it was different then having this connection with OM that made think of only him. So what I am saying i would rather have niether but ONS were easier to fight off then if she was fogged in with a long and ongoing relationship with one perticular guy..or in my wifes case kid.


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## perfectchaos12 (Mar 8, 2011)

New Here Brother and I feel your pain in many respects, I have not posted yet on my situation, but I am 38 yrs old and divorced once already, and am currently in a 7yr marriage/relationship. As far as giving the Benefit of the Doubt is concerned, I in my heart want to give you and your wife it, I.E no PA, However, note I said Divorced already, and the one thing I learned was that EA, And PA are almost ALWAYS tag team partners, if not actually the Same person ya know what I mean. Women seem to have a universal ability to operate well outside the boundries we and they spent a lifetime defining setting for themselves, straight up? almost every guy goes through a "I cant believe she could do that" thought after infidelity, sorry didnt mean to babble, but I like the PI idea, that way after some recon you will KNOW what you are up against here. your Game plan is fine IMHO for the short haul, Long term however needs more insight..... Good Luck. oh and Thanx for the Service.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

So sorry you're having to go through this and obviously you're not alone.

I really hope your wife is being truthful about there being no PA, but be vigilant. When my husband got caught, he tried to say it was only an EA. Looked me straight in the eye and said they never kissed. Wasn't until I said I could get his texts (bluff) that he felt cornered and confessed the PA portion of the affair.

Regardless, depending on her remorse and behavior, I hope you think twice about your conviction that it'd be over if it was more than emotional. My husband was sure I'd leave him if I found out his affair was also physical. Now that I know the truth and am willing to try, he says he's never felt more loved by anyone. He never realized how much I love him and regrets that it took hurting me to finally believe it.

Good luck and I'm hoping for the best!


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I would like to formally congradulate you, I am officially speechless.

Daaaaaammmnnn, dude.

Lots of " I won'ts" at the end there... I think you have your answer.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Thanks for your replies -

First off, try to refrain from the, "dude, a hotel room and no PA," bull****. I'm not an idiot, nor in denial.

Let me clarify a few things. I'm in Europe, wife is in the states. She was texting this guy like crazy (got her phone records,) she lied about her weekend, drove (not flew) to another state 10 hours away.

The hotel room reservation was for 2 adults, with 1 king bed. According to her mobile phone logs, she called him when she got there, and over the 3 days she was there, not a SINGLE call or text occurred. Obviously, a text or call would be needed for meeting up the next day for their plans, but there weren't any. They slept together. 

It sounds like I'm in denial because my wife and I are living apart, and I can't truly confront her. I can only believe what she tells me over the phone at this point. Oh and quit the Clinton and "just laid there" crap. I get it, guys, but she's still my wife and you need to take a step back and respect that.

Truth is, she has shown no remorse and got defensive when I confronted her, and she didn't call me for 3 days after I caught her. That leaves me no choice but to be a man and confront her the right way in person. March 17th, yeehaw! 

I've imported the mobile records into Excel, printed out her Hotel reservation and that's all I need. Those two documents tell all. No phone contact for the three days she was there, plus 2 adults booked for 1 bed. I can use that to catch her in a lie by asking how they got a hold of each other to meet up, go out, pick up times ETC. If she tells me via text message, I'm going to drop the mobile records on her lap and say BAM! 

To some it up -

Wife no longer sexually attracted, we're 6k miles apart, her weekend excursion (got her hair done the day she left,) lied heavily about it, no remorse, got defensive. Sounds to me like she cheated too, but I can't be positive because I don't have total proof, nor a confession, nor access to texts. She doesn't email or Facebook him. Too many unanswered questions at this point.

The day I found out about their weekend getaway, I managed to get her mobile records, his name, email address, his mother's name and email address, six or so family members from Facebook, his unit and his commander. Even if she confesses, though, I would only send his mother and family the proof so they can see what he's getting himself into.

Like I said earlier, a PA is a deal breaker for me so there will be nothing to work out. No need to break up their contact, or get him a dishonorable discharge. It was my wife who INDULGED him. Someone also mentioned hiring a PI. No need, he's leaving for Afghanistan like today or yesterday. 

It's going to suck getting the confession. I don't want ANY details. All I'm going to ask her for is a yes or a no. We can still be friends, I'd probably even still support her through school, but when she realizes that Mr. Right was actually Mr. Rightnow, I won't be there for her, never again. I think that will put her through a hell of her own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So what do you plan to do if you don't get the desired confession? I've read many stories that the WS will deny even in the face of incontrivertible evidence. Even when caught in the act itself. "Do you believe me or your lying eyes?" Some take it to their grave and NEVER fess up. What then? Are you still going to believe that it was just an EA because your wife says so?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What I don't understand about this site is why so many men are so willing to ignore a cheating wife's behaviour to win her back. The woman cheated and basically throws away your relationship. I would have nothing but hatred and contempt for her. The ultimate form of disrespect.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So what do you plan to do if you don't get the desired confession? I've read many stories that the WS will deny even in the face of incontrivertible evidence. Even when caught in the act itself. "Do you believe me or your lying eyes?" Some take it to their grave and NEVER fess up. What then? Are you still going to believe that it was just an EA because your wife says so?


**** no! I will NOT believe it if she tells me no, lordmayhem. My decision on what to do are unlike that of the normal LP, I imagine. The truth is, I just don't give a ****. It sucked typing my story, yea, I wept in the process, but today was a new day and tomorrow will be too. I'll paste my plan of action that I posted on another thread... 

***

Yep, my situation is not as easy as I wish it was which is why I'm kind of just saying **** it. I can cut her off completely right now if I wanted, but it makes no sense to. I honestly rather just stay civil and be friends for the sake of our child and our current situation. I know she strayed, I know why, I'll try to fix it, with or without a confession, but I won't get my hopes up.

Honestly, I would rather just stay good friends for now, have fun when we see each other, no lovey dubby ****, unless she initiates, and no strings will ever be attached. If one day down the road she tells me she's done, I will have had plenty of time to prepare for it since I'm leaving my everlasting love at the door starting 3 weeks ago. I should probably be more emotional, call her to ask why this or that, but honestly, if she did cheat, it's not even worth my time.

You said I'm in the worst possible scenario, you're ****ing right I am. So why stress myself out over it? If this is the beginning of the end, I'm going out with a bang. No seriously, I'm going to bang her when I see her. Gotta take advantage while I can. Pig, I know, but I feel content with this mindset. I'm smart, she's smart, she'll come to her senses one way or another. She knows I know, she can't lie for ****. I just don't care at this point.

We talked on the phone for 3 hours last week and there was never a dull moment, talked nothing about what happened. She made a poor decision. She's still my best friend, I'm still hers. We're each other's first long term relationship and first love. She's still the only woman out there I trust with my son. Will I ever love her again like a wife, **** no, but I will always love her for who she was. 

I can't explain the feeling; we just live all out for each other.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

sinnister said:


> What I don't understand about this site is why so many men are so willing to ignore a cheating wife's behaviour to win her back. The woman cheated and basically throws away your relationship. I would have nothing but hatred and contempt for her. The ultimate form of disrespect.


Funny, sinnister, I said the same thing to friends when things like this came up in conversations. Throw in a child and watch that mindset fly out the window like... a fart that just flew out a window, I guess. Unless you're in my car cus I leave the windows up. Maybe that's why my wife strayed?

I have no intentions of winning back my wife nor am I ignoring the fact that she did what she did. Maybe I do hate her, but maybe I don't care enough to deal with it. What's your story, sinnister? How did you handle your spouse cheating?


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

One thought that you can throw out or take in. Up to you.

Yesterday, you were all about winning her back. Today, you don't care enough to try. You're on a pendulum of emotions right now. You're feelings will likely take many swings back and forth before they settle.

Just my $0.02,
Lost


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Lostandconfused said:


> One thought that you can throw out or take in. Up to you.
> 
> Yesterday, you were all about winning her back. Today, you don't care enough to try. You're on a pendulum of emotions right now. You're feelings will likely take many swings back and forth before they settle.
> 
> ...


Very true, but today's emotions feel much better


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Very true, but today's emotions feel much better


Ohh... there's more emotional fun in store for you. 

Checklist:

Shock
Denial
Disbelief 
Anger
Irritability
Mood swings 
Guilt
Shame
Self-blame 
Feeling sad 
Hopeless 
Confusion
Difficulty concentrating 
Anxiety
Fear 
Withdrawing from others 
Feeling disconnected or numb 

and we have a few physical systoms to enhance your experience:

Insomnia or nightmares 
Being startled easily 
Racing heartbeat 
Aches and pains 
Fatigue 
Difficulty concentrating 
Edginess and agitation 
Muscle tension


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I visit her in 10 days..."

This should read "I come home permanently in 10 days..."

Otherwise, why bother?


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## perfectchaos12 (Mar 8, 2011)

Sheesh, Man I do NOT want to be in your shoes this week comming. I really feel for you bro, sorry If in my post I seemed insensitive to your plight, I did not mean to. Thats if My post seemed to. As far as what you got to do on the 17th, I just hope you are prepared for all the drama you are in for, I cannot speak for your wife as I do not know her at all, but I forsee alot of table turning and blame slinging headed your way. you do not seem at all like an idiot or anything so I think you know this already. I was glad to see that you said that PA is straight up a deal breaker, there is nothing sader in my opinion than a man trying in vain to get his wife to step up to a level she can never get to. There is no return at that point. I know that you are not gonna have a cake walk time. Just want to let you know that someone somewhere is listening to you and hopes that in the end you will be wiser and stronger. you know that being a soldier ol Jody is ALWAYS lurking, and you are not in control or at fault for it, it is the way, it is on your wife, or mine for that matter to ensure that Vows mean/meant something. If violated you will not be able to go back, it is done. I do not know your story only what was here in the post. But you seem like someone who really took his marriage serious. and I am sorry your wife didnt. Best of luck to you, you are in my prayers.


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## perfectchaos12 (Mar 8, 2011)

Aint that the truth........


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Appreciate the replies - 

Perfectchaos12, I'm not a soldier anymore. I moved to Europe to take a contract job for the Army. I could pack my **** up and move home right now if I wanted to, but trying to save a marriage is not worth doing it, especially if a PA was involved. I'm not worried about the 17th, I'm excited, my wife and child are excited. Since I first found out what happened, February 18th, my wife and I talked, fought and cried about it on the phone, ONCE. 

I know you guys don't know the whole story, so it's hard to get one to see my point of view. The thing is, I just don't have the desire to talk about it or accuse her constantly 1. because I'm so far away and 2. my wife and I are both in very difficult situations right now. I took her son and moved him to Europe. I'm SO ****ing loney it hurts, so is my wife. She's already expressed interest in quitting school to be with us, but I told her not to unless it was absolutely killing her. I'll see her for 10 days, then have 1 1/2 months apart, then she'll stay with us for 3 months during the summer. 

The past 3 years of our lives were nothing but stress. We've both said things we didn't mean, things bottled up and popped. We both agree that the situation isn't kosher by any means, but we also both agreed that her quitting school now would make no sense. She's so close to graduating and after ALL we've been through? Our future plans ruined our marriage even BEFORE the EA/PA (it just confirmed it.) 

My wife and I are not on the phone crying and arguing about this night after night. We get along fine. We've already set a date (in 2012) if things don't end up working out between us, we'll call it quits. 

Pit of my stomach -

Yea uh, no. I'm not your average run-of-the-mill guy to sit there and think about it with every passing minute of the day. She did it, it's done, I knew there was a chance even before I left. Yea, I love her, but SHE strayed and she'll have to live with that guilt. I'm only 30 and already find my eyes have been wandering. 

I'm not going to sit around and cry about it. It's a waste of time. Should I confront her and accuse her, get access to her Facebook, have her call him and call it off, hell no. Why fight for a ***** who betrayed me? That would make me weak and she'll know it. Friends with benefits (not just sex) is all she's getting from me for the rest of her life.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> "I visit her in 10 days..."
> 
> This should read "I come home permanently in 10 days..."
> 
> Otherwise, why bother?


Why bother, lets see here. So my son can see his mother, perhaps?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> You said I'm in the worst possible scenario, you're ****ing right I am. So why stress myself out over it? If this is the beginning of the end, I'm going out with a bang. No seriously, I'm going to bang her when I see her. Gotta take advantage while I can. Pig, I know, but I feel content with this mindset. I'm smart, she's smart, she'll come to her senses one way or another. She knows I know, she can't lie for ****. I just don't care at this point.


Well, then you already know not to get her knocked up. If I get this right, if she went to Idaho, that would mean the @ssclown is stationed at Mountain Home AFB. 

You're at the beginning of the roller coaster ride. One moment you'll want her to GTFO, the next moment you'll want to reconcile. You haven't said what you wanted to do yet. You are saying that you can't forgive what she did, but you want to remain civil and support her through school for the sake of your son. Are you planning on fixing the marriage or divorcing her?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

You are correct, sir. Mountain Home AFB. The hotel was 20 minutes away. She already told me the things she did with him after I found out; she just left out the EA/PA part, lol.

Yea, you're not the first person to warn me about the emotional rollercoaster. I can't forgive what she did, you're right, the true trust is gone, I think, but not because of the "alleged" EA/PA, more because she lied so badly. I even skyped with her just before she left for Idaho and saw her choke as she was telling me her plans for that weekend. That's why I started investigating. 

Do I plan on fixing the marriage? It's hard to say. In order to do that, I'd have to get the confession and hear all the details, which I'm not sure I want to do. In order to get the confession, I'd have to confront her, risk her getting defensive, emotional and ruin my 10 day visit thus sending me six thousand miles away to cry about it, alone.

Here's a kicker as to why I'm only 90 percent sure cheated and not 100:

A friend of mine told me, "you can confront her, but what if there's that tiny percent chance that she actually DIDN'T get physical with him?" "You've always known your wife to be friendly and boyish."

Interesting concept, even given the evidence I have. Three days after catching her, I reconciled with her over the phone after not speaking for those three days. I told her I still thought this POS was a red headed ****. Well, my wife texted him that and he responded back with... 

(She pasted his texts and messaged them to me after we got off the phone.)

Red headed ****: "He can call me whatever he wants if it makes him feel any better." I never meant for this to happen when this was planned, and if I were him, I'd be on my way to Idaho to kick my own ass."

Me: "My assault on your life is over until further notice. It takes a real man to be confronted by such beauty and not take advantage of her vulnerability."

Red headed ****: "I would never dream of it, it goes against the grain." "It takes a real man to be so rational in such a bad situation and still keep his head." "For that, you are a better man than I."

My wife: "Those texts are from him, I'm not a mailman, lol, you should call each other!" 

Me: "Are you nuts, woman?"

So, there you have it. My reason for believing her, in a small way. I can't see my wife letting me communicate with him, especially after having a EA/PA with him and be totally content with it and make jokes. I also asked her this...

Me: "If I wanted you to stop talking to him, would you?"

My wife: "Yes, if you wanted me to."

Me: "Do you want to?"

My wife: "Not really, he's just a good friend."

To me, a total liar would have said yes, I will stop talking to him and then go do it behind my back, but she didn't. My wife is not the type to get caught in something so BAD and continue to lie. About a week later, we talked ont he phone for 3 hours. She brought up the things she did in Idaho without me even asking. 

Still doesn't sound kosher, but that's why I'm not really blowing my top about the whole situation. Typing my original post saddened me because she lied about her weekend, not because I thought she cheated. 

Do I still sound in denial? Seriously, I want to know.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Maybe she WANTS you to find out what happened, like the cheating spouse who "accidentally" leaves their e-mail open for the LS to find. Then she's hoping you will get angry, initiate divorce, and then she will be sobbing in front of the judge that you are so unreasonable, too suspicious, emotionally abusive to her and that she is the real victim here.

PAYDAY!$!$!$!$!

Nothing quite like a foreign wife who comes to the U.S., and is an American woman now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

2 cents worth take this in the spirit it is written :- 


Waywards:

They do not want to stop the affair; they will be professional pathological liars and manipulators.
They will look you in the eye, swear on their children’s lives, bible, mothers life etc..
They are only friends and ask the betrayed spouse why do you doubt me?
There is something wrong with you because you do not trust me.
They team up with the affair partner to concoct a plan. 


Betrayed Spouse:

They would never betray me. I must believe them and they are telling me the truth and it makes me look bad if I show doubt.
I want to believe the story it is easier to accept the lie because this is not how my spouse would ever behave.
Don’t rock the boat, it's all innocent.



For you: Do not be fooled, from what you have written your wife is indeed in an affair of sorts. Clear your mind and trust your original gut instinct, do not make excuses for her behaviour, do not doubt yourself. Harden up , be very nice to her but firm with your boundaries. 


Are you allowing, encouraging, not stopping any contact between her and the OM? Contact between the two should cease and immediate no contact put into place, he is not her friend!!!!! An affair partner maybe but not a friend.


On you return book a Polygraph, let her know a few days before giving her time to come clean with everything.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Point taken, but what if she passes the polygraph?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Appreciate the replies -
> 
> Pit of my stomach -
> 
> ...


You love your wife deeply, you have been betrayed. This process and the emotional fallout from this kind of trauma is a long, painful and eye opening roller coaster journey. I understand the defense mechinisms and the foolhardy bravado your protecting yourself with right now. 

I mean no disrespect by saying that, just an observation.

We don't know you and no one here has any real stake in the outcome of your journey. Anyone that communicates with you here is doing so for one reason. They want to help you and they understand first hand what you have been through and what you WILL go through...

Regardless of how pathetic you think other people's methods of coping with this process are, these processes and suggestions can and do work. Infidelity and the fallout are as old as time... The original atomic bomb on a person's soul. 

The suggestions your thumbing your nose at being "weak & cowardly" methods of "lesser men" than you came at the price of hindsight... The hindsight millions of men before you only got from the pain and devistation of losing the love of there lives, broken souls, shattered families and marriages. 

Some were able to finally put themselves back together, and shared the wisdom of thier mistakes & experiences so you might not suffer what they did. (some of these suggestions go back as far as the bible (exposure)...

Just saying, you might keep an open mind. We only want to help. Many if us learned the hard way. We got an education no one wanted that has been coming at a crazy price. I promise you, this is going to be a very rough, humbling ride and you will want all the support you can get.

*ps* Listen to Eli-Zor


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Why bother, lets see here. So my son can see his mother, perhaps?


The point was that if you are only coming home on a temporary basis, you will never resolve this. You have to be there all the time, come home to her, watch her, interact with her.

These aren't things that you, in this situation, can do during a visit and then via email, facebook and phone calls.

If the marriage is still important to you, you'd pack up and come home.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> The point was that if you are only coming home on a temporary basis, you will never resolve this. You have to be there all the time, come home to her, watch her, interact with her.
> 
> These aren't things that you, in this situation, can do during a visit and then via email, facebook and phone calls.
> 
> If the marriage is still important to you, you'd pack up and come home.


I want to Chris, but I just can't. I want to save my marriage, but I'm not in a position to. You have to understand. I live in Europe, my job and son is in Europe, my sole mode of income comes from what I'm doing right now. If I come home, I'll be jobless, powerless and stressed. ****, man, what do I do? 

I keep thinking my plan to stay civil is my only option, but you guys keep telling me I'm avoiding the truth. 

Pit-of-my-Stomach
Eli-zo
Chris
Everyone

I HEAR you, I really ****ing do, but I'm not home. I can't leave because my life (present, future and forever) is here. My wife is from here and dying to move back at the end of the year. If I leave, then what? 

Listen, I appreciate the advice and I read and RE-read the comments, but my situation is so hard because we're apart.


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## perfectchaos12 (Mar 8, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Appreciate the replies -
> 
> Perfectchaos12, I'm not a soldier anymore. I moved to Europe to take a contract job for the Army. I could pack my **** up and move home right now if I wanted to, but trying to save a marriage is not worth doing it, especially if a PA was involved. I'm not worried about the 17th, I'm excited, my wife and child are excited. Since I first found out what happened, February 18th, my wife and I talked, fought and cried about it on the phone, ONCE.
> 
> ...


The 13th_ Floor: Thank you for clearing some of that up for me, I of course am always assuming things with these posts. This is your thread and I do NOT want to post my situation here, but lets say that your postition is not totaly dissimilar to mine other than the fact that you have solid evidence pointing you in a certain direction. I on the other hand have no idea if I am just a deranged paranoid fool or if the suspicious feelings I have stem from justified concerns. I will post my own thread sometime soon I think I am dawdling cause I am not too sure where to start. I just know my marriage is in trouble. Anyways just wanted to pop in and tell ya I read you recent post and I admire your clear headedness. I was relieved to see that you and your wife have the ability to civily converse about this. I am curious however. Lets say she Denies PA, based on what I read(and personaly know from my situtation) Heart WANTS/NEEDS to believe Brains say different. With that in mind are you prepared to move foward in repairing your marriage, and if so, would you want her to lie to you in order to save the marriage? I.E Deny even though it DID happen, but do it so that you and her can survive. Of course I mean in the context of her Truely wanting to just move on and pick up where things started to go south. I mean REALLY out of LOVE for you do the ONLY thing she can think of to save this marriage. In laymans terms do you really want the truth, or to save the marriage if as you say is not possible?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

perfectchaos12 said:


> The 13th_ Floor: Thank you for clearing some of that up for me, I of course am always assuming things with these posts. This is your thread and I do NOT want to post my situation here, but lets say that your postition is not totaly dissimilar to mine other than the fact that you have solid evidence pointing you in a certain direction. I on the other hand have no idea if I am just a deranged paranoid fool or if the suspicious feelings I have stem from justified concerns. I will post my own thread sometime soon I think I am dawdling cause I am not too sure where to start. I just know my marriage is in trouble. Anyways just wanted to pop in and tell ya I read you recent post and I admire your clear headedness. I was relieved to see that you and your wife have the ability to civily converse about this. I am curious however. Lets say she Denies PA, based on what I read(and personaly know from my situtation) Heart WANTS/NEEDS to believe Brains say different. With that in mind are you prepared to move foward in repairing your marriage, and if so, would you want her to lie to you in order to save the marriage? I.E Deny even though it DID happen, but do it so that you and her can survive. Of course I mean in the context of her Truely wanting to just move on and pick up where things started to go south. I mean REALLY out of LOVE for you do the ONLY thing she can think of to save this marriage. In laymans terms do you really want the truth, or to save the marriage if as you say is not possible?


perfectchaos12 - 

Thanks for taking the time to read through my posts. Honestly, I would WANT my wife to lie about the EA/PA, but I'm not exactly sure how that would affect me down the road. I can't predict the future. I know what you're thinking. She ****ed another dude, I wasn't giving her something and she felt the need to fill the void. That's kind of where I'm at right now. 

I'd like to beat it out of her. I want to hear her dirty, ****ty ass mouth admit it, but at the same time, man, she's my wife. I love her so much. I mean, I would give her my heart if her's were to fail right now, even after what I found out.

Doctor: 13, your cheating ass wife's heart is failing, she needs a new one, yours is a perfect match.

Me: It was good while it lasted, tell my wife not to be sorry. 

Seriously, bro, I love that ***** so much, but I can't give you the answer you're looking for. You want to deny it, I do too. You want to hope and pretend it didn't happen, but it most likely did, maybe, probably, supposedly, fragiley, red rider BB gunnly? ****, who knows. 

My plan is this - Just be her friend. The same friend she met at a rock concert 9 years ago. Some guy came up behind her and started dancing with her, she looked back, smiled, married him. **** yea, that was me. You think I'm going to let some emotion called 'no longer sexually attracted' win? Will I let 9 years of stress and growing up ruin my marriage? **** no! 

BUTT, again, 2 T's because I'm an assman, anywho, I don't want nor need to hear the troof. She handled herself in a way that is completely unacceptable, but I feel the need to fight that demon without hearing about the **** in between. 

I see her for 10 days in March, not much time, but it's something. Do you think I want to spend it accusing her of infidelity? Hell-****-no, I want to bang her. Oh wait, sorry, too much information. What I meant was, I'm going to be the man she first met 9 years ago. No pressure, no arguing, no lovey dubby ****, just straight up friends. I'll be confident, proud, flirty and arrogant, but only to make her jealous. She knows damn well I can bring a girl home in a heartbeat, but it's time to show her I'll do it if she doesn't fes up, apologize or show remorse. 

What's your story, perfectchaos12; drink a few beers and you should have no problem telling us. Be strong, bro!


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Voiceofreason said:


> One room, one bed, two adults, out of town....and you think no PA??????


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:



I would not work on being a friend / boy friend to not " Fu*k " a girl in a hotel. That is why you go to a hotel in the first place. When you do it for the first time you what it to be somewhere fun and different right, so you can remember it ? I think she and him, did it first at the hotel, so she would not be seen by or interrupted by anybody. Think about this for a sec. The old (I did not what to hurt you, like that) will, I say will, come up very soon for you by her. I say call her up, and say that the guy confessed to you, and you know all about what went on at the hotel. I give you the odds of about 5/100 you are right on this. If what you say happened, and you look at this site really well, then you know what happened don't you ?

issed:


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

wolf359 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You might want tobe careful about the old "he confessed thing." She may just not respond or dissemble before calling him to if that is true and then you lose your credibility. From my point of view (based on the objective evidence), they absolutely did have a PA and you should just act accordingly (for yourself and in your dealings with her). That will cut through all the B.S.--she actually controls you as long as you are hoping for an innocent explanation. and also continues to cause her to continue her lies, which damage both of you.

With acceptance that the PA happened comes your power to move on, including even forgiving her eventually if that works out for you. The denial and false hopes just make things worse for all involved.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> You might want tobe careful about the old "he confessed thing." She may just not respond or dissemble before calling him to if that is true and then you lose your credibility. From my point of view (based on the objective evidence), they absolutely did have a PA and you should just act accordingly (for yourself and in your dealings with her). That will cut through all the B.S.--she actually controls you as long as you are hoping for an innocent explanation. and also continues to cause her to continue her lies, which damage both of you.
> 
> With acceptance that the PA happened comes your power to move on, including even forgiving her eventually if that works out for you. The denial and false hopes just make things worse for all involved.


This makes a lot of sense. The past few posts I've made in the last week have been fueled with beer. I spent the last 2 nights sober to think about this situation with a clear head. I'm going to post my new plan of action tonight after work. The bottom line at this point is that I need her to confess or it will eat away my soul for a lifetime. Her confession is the only way to get closure whether we stay together or not. Stay tuned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## perfectchaos12 (Mar 8, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> This makes a lot of sense. The past few posts I've made in the last week have been fueled with beer. I spent the last 2 nights sober to think about this situation with a clear head. I'm going to post my new plan of action tonight after work. The bottom line at this point is that I need her to confess or it will eat away my soul for a lifetime. Her confession is the only way to get closure whether we stay together or not. Stay tuned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE
> You say you need Her to confess in order to move on, I think this is a little untrue at least in my instance(S), There is that foo fighter song that ALWAYS hit me "...You must confess" "is someone getting the best of you" My deal is: Like you I was out of town, wife was out at best friends house, long story short spoke to her on phone while she was there, heard males in background... you know party ****, wife was drinking (she does NOT do that often and can not Handle her alcohol) next day no answer on cell all day.... then spoke to her "Best" friend who gave me all the dirt... and trust me ... It was filthy. After many tearful conversations on phone wife caught flight to Fla, to try and save us. However she arrived with a well thought of story/ or version of events. Of course the story fully exonerated her and she basicaly denied wrong doing. outcome: me forced to "Trust her" word and accept it. However here I sit many yrs later and do NOT in my gut feel she was honest with me. we have somewhat moved past it. My point is though the repercusions of this event affect me in way almost daily and she seems oblivious to it, attempts to talk about result in her withdrawing and getting very emotional about it. There were many time afterwards that I found her in situations where I nit pick and find fault in her actions. Such as My Brother came to visit and spent weekend here, on saturdays I sleep until 9-10am, this morn at 6:30 my wife who ALWAYS is asleep until 8ish at least wakes me to say she is going to get coffee from the store on the corner be right back, I kissed her and rolled over to sleep some more. I can not explain it but something did NOT feel right I could not sleep, so I got up and waited for her to return. after an hour and a half I was still waiting. almost two hours later they arived and quietly entered the house. I was upstairs in bed and wife came in and "woke" me. after I confronted her with the "How did it take 2hrs to go to the corner to get cofee" she became totaly argumentive saying I was crazy and that her and my Bro decided to go to a diff store for cofee and ended up engaged in some deep convo sitting in the car... no big deal. I spoke to my brother and immediatly KNEW in my gut something was off... but again I had to GIVE the benifit of the doubt, and I find myself constantly plaughed with thoughts and visions. sorry didnt mean to go off but that is jsut a fraction of what I am going through at the present time. One thing for sure I LOVE my wife, like you yours. I just want to stop feeling like I do, but a confession scares the hell out of me I do NOT think I would ever get past that. Period. Likewise I can NOT get past this lack of trust either. keep me informed of your situation please, talking with you gives me help. I pray that we Both find something to help.
> Later.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

perfectchaos12 said:


> The 13th_Floor said:
> 
> 
> > This makes a lot of sense. The past few posts I've made in the last week have been fueled with beer. I spent the last 2 nights sober to think about this situation with a clear head. I'm going to post my new plan of action tonight after work. The bottom line at this point is that I need her to confess or it will eat away my soul for a lifetime. Her confession is the only way to get closure whether we stay together or not. Stay tuned.
> ...


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> With acceptance that the PA happened comes your power to move on, including even forgiving her eventually if that works out for you. The denial and false hopes just make things worse for all involved.


This is so god damn true...


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I'm back in the states and our family is back together. My wife and I went over a friend's house and had dinner, drank a few beers and good conversation. My wife and I are getting along great, but we're taking things very slow. We have not kissed yet, but are holding hands and cuddling which is initiated by her. I found out that she did NOT cheat on me and proved it by looking at her cell phone chat history. Long story, but I'll go into detail later. 

Now we're working on how our relationship got here in the first place. We're communicating and enjoying the short time we have together. I'll update you all on everything once I return to Europe. Hope all is well and thank you for your support thus far.

UPDATE:

I take that back. It' still obvious she cheated


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

One word -----polygraph
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

EA is not PA. EA is hard to deal with even for women themselves who have EA.
EA is not she is in love with the OM. She is actually in love with her own imagination and delusion that she created about the OM.
It's a way to temporarily ease the unbalance and unhappiness in her marriage when she feels herself neglected by her husband in someway.
As soon the husband can start to give some loving attention, she will get confusued at first but when the love is strong, she will get out of EA fog by herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Adviced strategy, give some loving attention she needs.
If she wants sex, give her great bangs! 
If she wants quality time with you, make a plan and bring her to enjoy a great holiday.
If she wants to feel special, create a romantic surprise and make her feel she's still your attractive wife.
If she needs help around the house, offer your big manful hands and help your wife!
Whatever she needs, fulfill them until she has zero complaints and until you make her the happiest wife in the world.
That's your everlasting love for the woman you married. She will turn to no man for validation. 
You can do it! If you refuse to be your wife's x-box, don't whine when she looks for playstation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

After a long talk with the wife, we are now separated indefinitely. She told me that we've been together since she was 17 and has not had a chance to see "what's out there." She sais being apart from me has made her feel extremely pressured and tense when she goes out. 

She appreciates the fact that I've been her sole means of support for the past 5 years, but she hates feeling like I'm her father. She wants to support herself and make her own money, even though that's impossible because she's in school full time and not working. 

It was so hard to officially separate with her because the thought of knowing there's a possibility she could find another guy hurts (I didn't tell her this.) She said it's not about finding other guys; it's about having the freedom to go out and not feel like I'm breathing over her shoulder with everything she does. 

The terms are that it's her choice as to what she does, who she meets and whether or not to wear her wedding ring. She's not to tell me anything she does or who she talks to and vice versa. We're allowing each other to see other people and further if that's where we want to take it. She wants our marriage work and said that the next step in our relationship is to go to MC over the summer when she visits for 3 months.

The only time her and I will talk is when she wants to talk to her son or needs something as far as bills, home repairs, ETC. Again, I'm her sole support so it will be hard to TRULY separate, but she now has the "freedom" she's never had and I was happy to give it her. If she finds another guy, that's something I'll have to deal with, but I too have the freedom to give my love to someone who wants it. 

By the way, we have had sex since I've been here and it has been mind blowing. The "no strings attached" sex is what's making it good for both of us. Update to follow!


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Considering the OM is in the Air Force and you know his name and his information, you might think of sending your evidence to his First Sargent. If he wants to mess around with married women, he shouldn't get to walk away without feeling the consequences.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> After a long talk with the wife, we are now separated indefinitely. She told me that we've been together since she was 17 and has not had a chance to see "what's out there." She sais being apart from me has made her feel extremely pressured and tense when she goes out.
> 
> She appreciates the fact that I've been her sole means of support for the past 5 years, but she hates feeling like I'm her father. She wants to support herself and make her own money, even though that's impossible because she's in school full time and not working.
> 
> ...


So the solution for her problems is to have an open marriage? If you're okay with that, then its up to you. :scratchhead:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your bargaining. It's a psychological coping mechinism. It's stage "3" in the process of mentally dealing (or not dealing) with the grief & emotional trauma associated with infidelity. You will not be "O.K." with your arrangement for long. Soon your brain will start processing the pain and digesting the trauma... You have to see the denial (1) and anger (2) you've shown in your posts all ready... Bargaining (3) was next... You have depression (4) and acceptance (5) too look forward to... 

If you identify that these things are normal and _ARE_ happening then maybe you can seperate yourself from the process slightly and then perhaps the defense mechinisms come down and we start talking about how you can give your marriage a real chance. 

Bargaining - Stage of grief where you’re contemplating compromise for the sake of avoiding the end of your marriage. Bad habits or events which weighed heavily before are downplayed and suddenly aren’t so important. You become willing to deal with those previously unacceptable behaviors in an attempt to avoid permanent loss of the relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants her freedom, give it to her.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

I see why you'd call it bargaining, and it is.. kind of. Hear me out. The woman cheated on me whether PA, EA, whatever. She's already messaging a new guy since the last one. I'm not stupid, nor in denial anymore. I'm giving her the chance to be free, ****ed, used and abused which is exactly what she wants. If she wants to parade around like she's in high school again, that's her problem, not mine anymore. 

Pit - You really don't know what "I" want, though, now do you? Yea, I wanted our marriage to work, I was in denial, jealous, heart broken and lost, but we've talked and came to a medium. She has freedom, I have mine. The goal, find happiness. I don't want to call her a ***** and just leave, but I also don't want to divorce her, not while she's in school and in a foreign country with no support. 

She's still a great mother and always has been, and I don't see that changing. Letting her into the lion's den is what she wanted, and I gave it to her. We're calling it a separation whether (to her) that's an open invitation to cheat, or (to me) it's a break to clear our minds, I just don't know. 

Either way, our marriage will never be the same whether she confessed to cheating, went to MC, showed remorse and or whatever else. Bottom line, she cheated, now I can too. When she gets here for the summer, she may not want anything to do with a relationship with me and I might not either. I'm already expressing interest in other women and them me. 

She wanted the separation, she'll have to pay the consequences of me not wanting her afterwards. I don't particularly give a **** whether or not she wants me. You guys think this is bargaining? Hm, I caught my wife in an EA / PA, separated from her i.e. gave her a break to screw whoever walks, but It's only bargaining if I take her back afterwards. I won't.

I think my agreeing to a separation was my way of preparing for a divorce. If I really wanted to work on the marriage, I would have followed affaircare's advice with the NCL ETC, but the truth is, it's already over in my eyes. I know I contradicted myself a few times in this last post, but I do know that I feel good for the first time in a long time and much of the reason is thanks to you people.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> So the solution for her problems is to have an open marriage? If you're okay with that, then its up to you. :scratchhead:


I think an "open marriage" is a lot more on target than "bargaining," now that I think about it. I would think a "separation" would mean to clear our minds, find out what we want and see if we're actually right for each other and move on with our marriage. The thing is, even though we're separated, if she screws another guy, that's cheating and I justified it! ****, but what else was I supposed to do? I was only able to see her for 10 days before going back to Europe with my son for 2 months. My options were few. 

She gave out her number at a club to another guy and she told me about it after I confronted her about her mobile account records (she probably wouldn't have told me otherwise.) When I got to the states, I looked at her internet history and found that she searched for "game schedules," which she then admitted to watching one of his games within like 3-4 days of meeting him (That's 2 EA's in 3 weeks time.) I think separation IS what she wanted. In other words, she wanted to see whoever she wants and not have to feel guilty or hide it since we're separated.

She even told me that she wished I would have cheated on her so she wouldn't have to break it off with me or feel bad about doing anything with another guy. Man, this woman is playing me big time. The thing is, though, I'm too smart to fall for her ****. If she screws another guy, texts, meets, EA/PA, it's over anyway. I would have to be a complete retard to just say, "okay, in order for our marriage to work, I'll let you see, do, kiss whoever you want and we'll see how you feel in a few months." I guess I'm a retard. I separated with her, she agreed, now she's out and about in the states alone with my money, in my house, driving my car, yeehaw! 

It's okay, though. It really is. This separation, to me, is just the beginning of the end. I gave her free reign to do whatever and she WILL most likely find another guy and realize she's happier without me (or maybe not?.) In the rare event she finds she wants me back, it will probably be because she got used, abused and **** on by ass-holes and now regrets making the decision. But here's where me being smart comes in - I won't take her back. Not after knowing she left our marriage to temporarily "see what's out there." That's not how marriage or separation works; that's how an "open marriage" works in our case. 

I got some advice from a friend on TAM. He asked what my 3 year plan was after this. Welp, I have no clue. I imagine it could take 3 years for her to realize how stupid she was for letting go without working on the marriage and want me back. The problem is, I'm already expressing interest in other women, not wearing my wedding ring, and I really DO feel single and it doesn't bother me. It feels good!

So, this situation could easily turn sour for her in 3 years. 1. If she even as much as kisses another guy and I know about it, she's done (or dunner.) 2. I can easily find another woman and not want her back anyway. It's weird. I should be madder, but I'm already expecting her to explore with other guys so it's not like I'm expecting heart break down the road when she comes to Europe (2 months.) In fact, I'm not even counting the days, excited or preparing. I just feel like all she is to me is my baby's mama (Go Jerry!) and my friend. 

I do love the hell out of her, she was my first true love, and I would have spent the rest of my life with her, but she changed and I'm coming to terms with it. I met her when she was 17, married her at 19, made her a mother at 22, put her in full time school at 22 and now she's 26 about to graduate. Now she sais she doesn't want me to be her hero anymore. Well sorry for realizing her potential and wanting her to succeed. The relationship turning sour was 50/50 her fault and mine which we both agreed, but her cheating was 100 percent her doing. Blah, dumb *****. 

Her best friend in Europe is showing interest in me. This sucks. She's so hot, but I'm a good guy, I couldn't and won't complicate things like that, but damn she's hot, oh lawd! 

Guys, seriously, I love her to death, but she strayed. I can't, won't and don't want to be married to her. She never confessed to an EA/PA and never will at this point since we're now separated so I'm just content in accepting the inevitable. She currently has no interest in loving me, and I have no interest in fighting for her. Weird, but true. The funny thing is, she doesn't want me to be with other girls, she calls them *****es. She KNOWS I'm desirable and wants me all to herself. It's like she wants the cake, but wants to lick the icing off others. Okay, poor choice of words.

I'm now back in Europe, my son is awesome and I love him so much. I run, exercise, play sports and that's what's helping me stay strong mentally. 

Something funny happened over my stay in the states... I met one of her girlfriends for dinner who my wife told all this bad **** about me to. Her friend even asked my wife why she doesn't break it off with me if I'm so bad. Then I get to her friends house, met her for the first time, had wonderful convos over dinner, laughing, joking, but she couldn't stop taking her hair down when I walked into the room (her friend!?) Dude, my wife has made the biggest mistake of her life. 

Regarding divorce, there's no need. We're married in the states only which is null and void where I live in Europe. I'm never going back to the states and everything is in my name. She couldn't fight or split things 50/50 even if she wanted to. She's not even a permanant citizen of the states, lmao. The only thing I'm losing from this marriage is the love, care and trust I invested into it, but there's one investment I made that keeps growing - my son, and he was worth it.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Damn, my last comment didn't seem that long when I typed it. Sorry bout that!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If she wants her freedom, give it to her.


Gee golly, alright! All my problems will then be solved, woohoo! :rofl:


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Yeah, it definitely sounds like it's time to cancel her and move on. "Breaks" never work, and if she's been out in the world for a while you're not going to want her once the break is over. Hopefully you guys can count your losses, vow to be civil toward one another and come up with solid plans to make sure both of you are able to be parents to your kid.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

13th Floor, would you kindly update your thread? I saw your PS edit a few pages back. 

What happened? 

It was your post that brought me to this forum. There were several realizations that struck home with me.

Thanks.


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