# My Fiancé just found out he may have a nine year old.



## Liv11207 (Oct 22, 2020)

My fiance and I have been dating for six years and recently got engaged. He found out he may have a nine-year-old daughter. He feels like did something wrong. He explained to me that the woman he was with before me said she got a paternity test and that he was not the father. She had the other man at the baby shower, the birth of the child, and even sign the birth certificate. She sent him a message on indeed stating it's time to meet your daughter. I understand that it was before me but I do not like seeing him hurt in any way. It hurts me to see him blame himself. I honestly do not know what to do.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

A close friend and her husband decided when they married that they wouldn't be good parents, so they prevented children. One day, an 18-year-old young lady contacted them and told him she was his daughter; he had, in fact, slept with her mother that many years ago. They decided to make it all good, and they have a wonderful, close family relationship. The young woman's mother has moved to their area, and now they are grandparents. Try if you can to look at it positively. It isn't the child's fault.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Liv11207 said:


> It hurts me to see him blame himself.


This is obviously not his fault. Did he personally inspect the paternity test results at the time? He should ask to be shown these results. The woman either lied then, or she is lying now. Get to the truth, then go from there. If there is no paternity test, or a test of dubious value, paternity can be established now, the birth certificate can be amended if he is the father of the child.

Having sex with the child's mother out of wedlock was something he did, and he must deal with that reality. It's not exactly the crime of the century, in a legal sense, but from a moral perspective, he may need to get forgiveness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

They need to get another paternity test. Is the other man still on the scene?


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## Liv11207 (Oct 22, 2020)

TJW said:


> This is obviously not his fault. Did he personally inspect the paternity test results at the time? He should ask to be shown these results. The woman either lied then, or she is lying now. Get to the truth, then go from there. If there is no paternity test, or a test of dubious value, paternity can be established now, the birth certificate can be amended if he is the father of the child.
> 
> Having sex with the child's mother out of wedlock was something he did, and he must deal with that reality. It's not exactly the crime of the century, in a legal sense, but from a moral perspective, he may need to get forgiveness.





TJW said:


> This is obviously not his fault. Did he personally inspect the paternity test results at the time? He should ask to be shown these results. The woman either lied then, or she is lying now. Get to the truth, then go from there. If there is no paternity test, or a test of dubious value, paternity can be established now, the birth certificate can be amended if he is the father of the child.
> 
> Having sex with the child's mother out of wedlock was something he did, and he must deal with that reality. It's not exactly the crime of the century, in a legal sense, but from a moral perspective, he may need to get forgiveness.


No he was confronted by them both after the birth of the child so he left it alone.


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## Liv11207 (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> They need to get another paternity test. Is the other man still on the scene?


No he is not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I always wonder how people feel when they that they are a product of a fly by night affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Liv11207 said:


> No he is not.


Sad for the child, but it could be that she wants him to provide for her? Definitely get a dna test as a very first step.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Sad for the child, but it could be that she wants him to provide for her? Definitely get a dna test as a very first step.


Nine years later and someone else on the birth record that's a hard sell.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Liv11207 said:


> My fiance and I have been dating for six years and recently got engaged. He found out he may have a nine-year-old daughter. He feels like did something wrong. He explained to me that the woman he was with before me said she got a paternity test and that he was not the father. She had the other man at the baby shower, the birth of the child, and even sign the birth certificate. She sent him a message on indeed stating it's time to meet your daughter. I understand that it was before me but I do not like seeing him hurt in any way. It hurts me to see him blame himself. I honestly do not know what to do.


So forget for a moment how it affects your fiance. How does it affect you? Does it change anything you knew or thought you knew about his past? Do you 100% believe his story? Assuming the answers are favorable, then how do you feel about sharing him with his daughter? At some point this is more about you than him. His path forward is clear (assuming he is actually the father). You have to feel comfortable with his ex back in the picture, and you have to feel comfortable with becoming a family overnight.


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## Liv11207 (Oct 22, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> So forget for a moment how it affects your fiance. How does it affect you? Does it change anything you knew or thought you knew about his past? Do you 100% believe his story? Assuming the answers are favorable, then how do you feel about sharing him with his daughter? At some point this is more about you than him. His path forward is clear (assuming he is actually the father). You have to feel comfortable with his ex back in the picture, and you have to feel comfortable with becoming a family overnight.


I'm not gonna lie, it really does hurt because we are in the process of trying to start a family and we got the news.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Liv11207 said:


> I'm not gonna lie, it really does hurt because we are in the process of trying to start a family and we got the news.


There is nothing to stop you carrying on with that is there? Honestly its fairly likely she isnt his anyway, otherwise why wait all these years?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He needs to get another paternity test and he needs to be the one overseeing it so she doesn't just pull something or put him in a position of having to take her word for it. You can get a court order for that.

I don't think there's any way they can make him pay child custody for the years he didn't know she was his at least.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He needs to get another paternity test and he needs to be the one overseeing it so she doesn't just pull something or put him in a position of having to take her word for it. You can get a court order for that.
> 
> I don't think there's any way they can make him pay child custody for the years he didn't know she was his at least.


I've heard otherwise.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sure it varies by location. But it can also be taken before the court and explain the circumstances. The court is nearly always going to rule and whatever is in the best interest of the child but those first nine years can't be changed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I've heard otherwise.


Another man was on the birth record. They can't go after this new putative father for* back support* for this reason.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Get a new DNA test and go from there. If she is his daughter, consult an attorney. I wouldn't think he would have to pay back support since he was lied to, but he would have to pay support going forward, at least if she filed for it or reported it to the Attorney General. Then, just get to know her. Spend time with her. Be a Mom and Dad. I don't think there is a custody issue, so it wouldn't change your home life drastically


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Get a new DNA test and go from there. If she is his daughter, consult an attorney. I wouldn't think he would have to pay back support since he was lied to, but he would have to pay support going forward, at least if she filed for it or reported it to the Attorney General. Then, just get to know her. Spend time with her. Be a Mom and Dad. I don't think there is a custody issue, so it wouldn't change your home life drastically


Not true. Check the parentage statutes in your state. If the other man was put on the birth record, and 9 years have gone by, it is doubtful that man is going to be off the hook for child support, and they won't obligate two men. Once you are willingly on the birth record you can't change your mind 9 years later and say no thanks.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

This actually happened to a friend of mine. Only he found out when the child was 5. He had been told that there was no way he was the father, the dates didn’t line up and that the father was a person of color (my friend is caucasion) and that the child was biracial when she was born. He took her word for it. It was years later when she posted a picture of the child on social media, a mutual friend saw it and the child was his exact CLONE. He contacted the mother and they had a DNA test done. The child was his. He was angry, hurt and confused. (He has another child around the same age and a WONDERFUL dad). Unfortunately, after all of that and him not being on the birth certificate, etc. she stopped letting him see the child or form a relationship with her. He has zero rights to her. If he wants rights to have a relationship with her, make sure you’re consulting an attorney.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

This actually happened to a friend of mine. Only he found out when the child was 5. He had been told that there was no way he was the father, the dates didn’t line up and that the father was a person of color (my friend is caucasion) and that the child was biracial when she was born. He took her word for it. It was years later when she posted a picture of the child on social media, a mutual friend saw it and the child was his exact CLONE. He contacted the mother and they had a DNA test done. The child was his. He was angry, hurt and confused. (He has another child around the same age and a WONDERFUL dad). Unfortunately, after all of that and him not being on the birth certificate, etc. she stopped letting him see the child or form a relationship with her. He has zero rights to her. If he wants rights to have a relationship with her, make sure you’re consulting an attorney.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Not true. Check the parentage statutes in your state. If the other man was put on the birth record, and 9 years have gone by, it is doubtful that man is going to be off the hook for child support, and they won't obligate two men. Once you are willingly on the birth record you can't change your mind 9 years later and say no thanks.


I said to consult an attorney. Depends on the state. It very well could be true. I have a relative that claimed one was the father and when a DNA test 2 years later showed he wasn't, she claimed another was. She contacted the attorney general of the state and they forced a DNA test and ordered child support going forward.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> I said to consult an attorney. Depends on the state. It very well could be true. I have a relative that claimed one was the father and when a DNA test 2 years later showed he wasn't, she claimed another was. She contacted the attorney general of the state and they forced a DNA test and ordered child support going forward.


Yep. But I bet there wasn't another party willingly listed on the birth record already (for years and years). And therein lies the difference.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I have been watching this thread and it is so sad! OP, I am sorry you are in this crappy situation. While it is not your fiance's fault, it is still hard to navigate this without putting more guilt on his plate. You have every right to feel sad/weird/uncomfortable after finding out this potential new family member. 

I hope he gets a new paternity test! That is step one. Also - that woman is evil if she knew this whole time but chose to keep this information a secret. People are awful.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So daddy#1 is no longer in the picture and she needs someone *else* to step in and support her kid so your boyfriend has suddenly become "new daddy?"

I wouldn't believe this bull-**** if you paid me.

Demand a paternity test.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So daddy#1 is no longer in the picture and she needs someone *else* to step in and support her kid so your boyfriend has suddenly become "new daddy?"
> 
> I wouldn't believe this bull-**** if you paid me.
> 
> Demand a paternity test.


My thought as well....trashy women do this kind of thing all the time.

Get a test now.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

There are things that are good about the age we live in, one being that paternity isn't an issue of hearsay any more. As others have suggested, the truth is straightforward.

I would start with him contacting an attorney who can tell him whether he needs to demand a test or to ignore her until she arranges one or whatever. When there are legal issues, don't assume honorable actions will serve your cause.

If he really is the father, get back to us.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Did she cheat with this other guy who was the supposed father of the kid?

Did he ever see the paternity test? (Maybe that is what he did wrong, believing her.) He would really be doing something foolish to believe her now.

Regardless even if that kid is bionically his kid, he is not that kids father the other man is. Normally I am big on Men taking responsibility for his kids, but the father is the guy on the birth certificate and the acting father. It's unfair for her to spring it on him now just because the dude she possibly cheated with abandoned his child. Imagine that. 

I would maybe want to meet the kid one day but I would not take responsibility for her, that is for his acting father to do. The one of the birth certificate. It's ridiculous to expect him to do it now. Honestly I think I might even ignore the whole thing, tell her to send me the test that proves it. 

Sucks for the kid but trying to act like this guy is now her Dad ain't gonna help her any. 

Unless he wants to but then if this is that kids mother everyone is in for some hell. You don't suddenly become a Dad because the acting father has abandon his kid after 9, DNA or not. So maybe he can have a relationship with her but it's not going to be Father, Daughter.

And most importantly he should not feel guilty, the poor kids mom is a psycho, he had no way of knowing. 

Oh and if it is his kid, I would sue both her and the dude to hell.


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