# Is divorce the only option now? Please help



## WorkingOnThis (May 9, 2017)

Well, I am glad I found this forum because I really need some guidance and advice. I have no idea what to do right now. So please feel free to offer any suggestions and also to give me your truthful opinions on my situation. Ok, so my husband and I are in our late 30’s. We have been married for almost a year now. We dated for almost a year before we got married. When I met my husband, he was pretty overweight and I did not see him as anything more than a friend. I hate to sound superficial, but it is just not attractive to me. Anyway so I wasn’t really planning on seeing him again after the first date, but he continued to text me, call me, etc. He also offered me a lot of support when I was going through an extremely tough time. I had no one else to lean on. So I decided to give him a chance, despite the lack of attraction. Honestly I Just thought, well I will help him lose the weight.

Anyway, so a couple months in , I expressed to him just how much his weight was affecting our relationship and how our chemistry could be so much better if he tried to lose it. So, he actually started on a diet that had worked for him in the past and he stayed with it. He lost 55 pounds. It was really amazing and I was very happy about it. I found him to be so much more attractive. I think my mistake here might not have been letting him know just how happy I was about it. I thought I had, but I am not very good at freely showing lots of affection and praise. I don’t know why, its just how I am. At any rate, things got kind of crazy, we ended up moving to another city where we didn’t know anyone and didn’t have good jobs. So, that diet kind of went out the window. Now, my husband hasn’t gained back all that weight, but its creeping up. He had lost his stomach and the double chin and it has now returned. I hate to sound shallow like I said, but its just a turn off. 

Well let me tell you the whole story. We have a 3 month old son. Hes precious and we both love him very much. I think my husband is a good dad… except for one thing. He seems to find it acceptable to raise his voice, get upset, and cuss at me on some occasions with our son around. I am somewhat guilty of getting upset too but most of the time I am trying to tell him not to raise his voice. But he does not seem to be able to control himself. So, let me explain what he is angry about. He wants sex and affection. Now, first of all, he knew when he was dating me that I am not an openly affectionate person. Its just not my nature. But before the baby I did try to show affection in my own way. Since the baby, I have been very busy with our son and no I don’t have as much time to pay attention to my husband. I know this is a common scenario. (I think my husband doesn’t understand because this is his first marriage, and my second) Anyway what makes this situation worse is that my husband knows that I do not find him attractive with the extra weight on him. But since our lives are stressful and he has been angry and depressed lately, and also working a lot, he does not seem motivated at all to do anything about it, like he had been doing before. And I want to mention that when my husband did the diet before he had an even more stressful and time consuming job then he does now. 

Anyway so he is upset about the lack of sex and also the lack of affection. Honestly I am not withholding sex or anything like that. I just don’t have an interest. Maybe its just having had a baby, and partly the weight, but I am just not in the mood. At this point, he thinks that the best way to get sex is to get upset and act like a child until he gets it from me. Even if we have sex, if Im not into it, then hes going to be upset about that. Because he doesn’t want it to feel forced. Im suppose to act a certain way apparently. Ive never been good at faking anything and you cant fake attraction or enjoyment. So we did have sex a few weeks ago but now hes mad again that we haven’t done it since then. After sex last time, his mood improved 100%. Which is great, until he needs sex again to be in a better mood. He just has an attitude of why do I do so much (he is the one working for now) and not get anything in return? He seems to be very depressed. I myself am depressed also. What is really confusing though is we can go a few days where hes in a good mood , acts sweet, helpful, loving, etc, then out of nowhere, hes irritable, angry, raising his voice, slamming doors, etc. And when he gets like this he does not want to interact with our son either.

So , basically I guess I am just trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation. He doesn’t seem to want or care to lose the weight and I cant fake the attraction. Granted, I probably should not have gotten into a marriage with someone who I thought I could change, because that’s just dumb! But its happened now. I would like to make things work for the sake of our son, though I don’t want him growing up around fighting all the time. Well, I suppose that about sums it up. Like I said I am open to any and all advice. The arguing all the time is getting old, and I have to worry about something setting him off (it can be something as little as a couple kissing on TV). Major mood swings going on here. I am at a loss for what to do next. Ok well, I look forward to hearing from you all. Thanks so much for reading this.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Working,

You wrote, *it can be something as little as a couple kissing on TV*, kissing is not little it's huge. 

Because the kissing scenes are often well filmed and appear spontaneous and passionate, they are a reminder of what he once had in his life but is now gone. He may have a fear that that part of his life is gone forever and time will only make it worse. 

The kissing scenes used to be seen by me as trivial, but now carry more emotional impact than almost any porn scene, as I know that porn is mostly fake.

Men count the number of days since the last time they had sex and their self worth is divided by that number. 

Tamat


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Some men don't agree with me, I have heard. But in my opinion sex is as important as food and water. If he isn't getting sex, he is starving to death and dying of thirst. That's how I feel when I don't get sex. Without sex my emotions get really wacky very fast. I know it, and I can feel it building up over just a matter of hours since the last time I had sex. Sex calms me. 

That's just so you might understand a little of how he might feel. I can't say he does feel that way, but I suspect he may.

Then there is the question of why he does not do all he can to make sure he pleases you and makes you want to have sex with him every waking moment. I can't possibly answer that.

Men make no sense to me. Or maybe it's just people who make no sense.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> Some men don't agree with me, I have heard. But in my opinion sex is as important as food and water. If he isn't getting sex, he is starving to death and dying of thirst. That's how I feel when I don't get sex. Without sex my emotions get really wacky very fast. I know it, and I can feel it building up over just a matter of hours since the last time I had sex. Sex calms me.
> 
> That's just so you might understand a little of how he might feel. I can't say he does feel that way, but I suspect he may.
> 
> ...


I agree with this 100%
.......................................................................................................

I was not going to post for a week or two. My last couple of posts were over the top.

For Me? That top is 'out there'. 

.......................................................................................................

You said that most men will not agree with your assessment about lack of sex being equal to starvation.
Well, you and I are not "most" men.

That said, 'most men' consider intimacy and sex near the top of their list in importance....
Those that do not are the minority. I think one's age and health [mental/physical] does have an impact on just how important "this" is.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WorkingOnThis said:


> Well, I am glad I found this forum because I really need some guidance and advice. I have no idea what to do right now. So please feel free to offer any suggestions and also to give me your truthful opinions on my situation. Ok, so my husband and I are in our late 30’s. We have been married for almost a year now. We dated for almost a year before we got married. When I met my husband, he was pretty overweight and I did not see him as anything more than a friend. I hate to sound superficial, but it is just not attractive to me. Anyway so I wasn’t really planning on seeing him again after the first date, but he continued to text me, call me, etc. He also offered me a lot of support when I was going through an extremely tough time. I had no one else to lean on. So I decided to give him a chance, despite the lack of attraction. *Honestly I Just thought, well I will help him lose the weight.*
> 
> Anyway, so a couple months in , I expressed to him just how much his weight was affecting our relationship and how our chemistry could be so much better if he tried to lose it. So, he actually started on a diet that had worked for him in the past and he stayed with it. He lost 55 pounds. It was really amazing and I was very happy about it. I found him to be so much more attractive. I think my mistake here might not have been letting him know just how happy I was about it. I thought I had, but I am not very good at freely showing lots of affection and praise. I don’t know why, its just how I am. At any rate, things got kind of crazy, we ended up moving to another city where we didn’t know anyone and didn’t have good jobs. So, that diet kind of went out the window. Now, my husband hasn’t gained back all that weight, but its creeping up. He had lost his stomach and the double chin and it has now returned. I hate to sound shallow like I said, but its just a turn off.
> 
> ...


The first mistake noted in the first paragraph. You thought your H would change and be different. The third paragraph in black.... You appear to sugar coat your raising of the voice. Your second marriage is headed down the road of being your second divorce. You point out the issue and excuse...looking after your child and nothing left for H. 

What happened in the first marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you guys would benefit a LOT from marriage counseling. It might take a couple of tries to find the right counselor, but when you do, it'll be huge.

Here's some books that might help you too. For my hubby and I, a counselor who used Gottmans principles got us started down the right path.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages 
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is a chance that you are just in a bad feedback loop. He has gained weight and is unhappy so you aren't interested in sex with him. He is feeling rejected and frustrated for lack of sex and that is making him unhappy and depressed, and less inclined to work on his weight. 

If sex with him is not unpleasant, just not very interesting, I suggest that you make a try to improve things. Try to set aside time for frequent passionate sex. Do what he likes in bed, and then ask him to do the same for you. See if you can get to the point of his being happy and then very gently bring up the weight issue again. 

It might not work, but I think its worth a try. Maybe you can get back to where you were when you got married and it sound like things were better. 

If not, then you will have made your best effort and you can then decide where to go from there.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you should read His Needs Her Needs. 
You make it sound like you have no needs at all which is total codswallop. Maybe it appears you don't because your H is meeting them. However. you are most definitely not meeting his. Sex is a very important physical and emotional need for men, its as simple as being really hungry for food and determined by his testosterone. You cannot begin to understand because men are very different in this regard than women, educate yourself on this.

I understand the tiredness with a new baby but do not neglect your husband for if you do it will be the beginning of the end for your marriage.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are denying your H a basic constituent of marriage, actually a few. Attraction, honesty and physical intimacy. You said it was "dumb" to marry him expecting to change him and it was but in marrying him you also created certain expectations in his mind. To him, your consent implied acceptance and he no doubt thought why else would she marry me? Now to have to accept a sexless marriage, or mostly so, with a wife that does not even find him attractive is a tremendous amount to ask of any man, though many women do.

I do understand your lack of attraction for him and I do not believe that being overweight is a superficial characteristic. It can denote lack of self control, self respect and self concern especially regarding health issues. What I do not understand is your marrying him anyway, that seems borderline cruel. Expecting him to relent to your expectations after proceeding with the marriage is sending very mixed signals and no doubt causing confusion in his mind. He expects you meet his criteria as a wife and you expect him to meet your criteria for a prospective suitor.

Of course now there is a child involved that will end up paying for the adults inability to make reasonable decisions. My advice to you would be to honor your vows, which you freely took, and be the wife you should be. You chose to marry a man you were not attracted to, that is not the child's fault. Marriage vows are not conditionally provisional however many make them so. You could also and go for D number 2.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

First, its NOT ok to neglect your husband due to having a child. Does he pull his weight taking care of the baby? Even though he works, he is still a parent and needs to be involved. Was he like this before the baby, where he would get pissy and demanding about sex? Because when a man is like that about sex, that makes it THE VERY LAST THING that you want from him. Also him thinking that he gets sex as payment for going to work is all kinds of screwed up. 

So having said that... what made you think that you could successfully sustain a marriage with a man you are not attracted to??


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

WorkingOnThis said:


> my husband and I are in our late 30’s. We have been married for almost a year now. We dated for almost a year before we got married. When I met my husband, he was pretty overweight and I did not see him as anything more than a friend. I hate to sound superficial, but it is just not attractive to me. Anyway so I wasn’t really planning on seeing him again after the first date, but he continued to text me, call me, etc. He also offered me a lot of support when I was going through an extremely tough time. I had no one else to lean on. So I decided to give him a chance, despite the lack of attraction. Honestly I Just thought, well I will help him lose the weight.


If you weren't attracted to him, you should've never of gotten married. Your marriage is an implicit contract stating that you were OK with him as he was, before the marriage. Requiring him to be someone else now is unfair.



WorkingOnThis said:


> Anyway, so a couple months in , I expressed to him just how much his weight was affecting our relationship and how our chemistry could be so much better if he tried to lose it. So, he actually started on a diet that had worked for him in the past and he stayed with it. He lost 55 pounds. It was really amazing and I was very happy about it. I found him to be so much more attractive. I think my mistake here might not have been letting him know just how happy I was about it. I thought I had, but I am not very good at freely showing lots of affection and praise. I don’t know why, its just how I am. At any rate, things got kind of crazy, we ended up moving to another city where we didn’t know anyone and didn’t have good jobs. So, that diet kind of went out the window. Now, my husband hasn’t gained back all that weight, but its creeping up. He had lost his stomach and the double chin and it has now returned. I hate to sound shallow like I said, but its just a turn off.


If he lost significant weight over your voiced unhappiness, it's a strong signal of his love for you. Weight loss is not easy, requires self-control, and changing one's priorities. He did this for you, not himself. Don't discount that; your husband loves you. Do you love him? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it doesn't seem that way.

This guy was there for you when no one else was, and now when you're married, he's attempting positive change for your benefit, yet ironically you're not there for him! You've faulted yourself above for not adequately conveying how much his weight loss meant to you, and this is just wrong! Be emotionally supportive to him, and communicate appreciation in his love language, not yours: sex.



WorkingOnThis said:


> Since the baby, I have been very busy with our son and no I don’t have as much time to pay attention to my husband. I know this is a common scenario. (I think my husband doesn’t understand because this is his first marriage, and my second)


You stay at home while he works, is that correct? So you're telling me, between house chores and caring for one child, you can't pay your husband any attention? Sorry, not believable. 

And he doesn't understand how common this problem is because he doesn't have a failed marriage under his belt? Not buying it. Stop making excuses, and spend some time with your husband.



WorkingOnThis said:


> Anyway what makes this situation worse is that my husband knows that I do not find him attractive with the extra weight on him.


No kidding. You basically just gave your husband a body slam into a sheet of concrete. You must have tact when discussing such things, and from his negative response, I'm assuming you didn't.



WorkingOnThis said:


> he does not seem motivated at all to do anything about it, like he had been doing before. And I want to mention that when my husband did the diet before he had an even more stressful and time consuming job then he does now...he is upset about the lack of sex and also the lack of affection.


If my employer wants me to work harder, they dangle a bonus in front of me. It's called an incentive.

You need to incentivize your husband's behavior, especially when he worked very hard in your relationship without great reward. 

Your husband losing weight for you and not earning your affections and more physical intimacy tells him that doing more is pointless. Your relationship is essentially communism. I propose you try capitalism instead. Reward the man's work, inside and outside of the house. He will respond favorably to incentives and rewards for hard work.



WorkingOnThis said:


> Honestly I am not withholding sex or anything like that. I just don’t have an interest. Maybe its just having had a baby, and partly the weight, but I am just not in the mood. At this point, he thinks that the best way to get sex is to get upset and act like a child until he gets it from me. Even if we have sex, if Im not into it, then hes going to be upset about that. Because he doesn’t want it to feel forced. Im suppose to act a certain way apparently. Ive never been good at faking anything and you cant fake attraction or enjoyment. So we did have sex a few weeks ago but now hes mad again that we haven’t done it since then. After sex last time, his mood improved 100%. Which is great, until he needs sex again to be in a better mood. He just has an attitude of why do I do so much (he is the one working for now) and not get anything in return? He seems to be very depressed. I myself am depressed also. What is really confusing though is we can go a few days where hes in a good mood , acts sweet, helpful, loving, etc, then out of nowhere, hes irritable, angry, raising his voice, slamming doors, etc. And when he gets like this he does not want to interact with our son either.


You are wrong here, and your husband is also wrong. As the saying goes, two wrongs never make a right.

First him... his yelling and cussing at you is verbal abuse. If you're doing it back, that's verbal abuse too. If it's happening in front of the kid, it's even worse. Get this under control. Request that your husband go to counseling to get his anger in check. He may respond that his anger is only with you, over things that you are doing to him, hence his volatile reactions only with you, not others. This may be partially true, but it's still unacceptable behavior from him. Husband and wife should never ever talk to each other like this, and it erects a dividing wall between you two the longer it continues. Whenever he talks to you like that, refuse to continue the conversation until he's calmer; encourage open, calm communication (this will benefit both of you over long-term). Both of you need to feel that you can talk to one another and be heard, without yelling.

Second you... you claim not to be withholding sex from your husband, offering up so many excuses as to why you're not having sex. This is still withholding, even if it's not intentional! 
You're making a plethora of excuses on why you can't be affectionate and physical with your husband, from time management and recent childbirth, to his appearance. Stop making these excuses; they're leading to his resentment. The only legitimate excuse for withholding sex is if he's verbally abusing you and won't change.

If I were you, I would try to normalize the feelings in your marriage. Take the first initiative, and show your feelings for your husband through sex (seems like he needs sex more than you, to feel that he is loved); the key follow-up action is to let him know that if he mistreats you, it affects your attitude about physical intimacy. It's very important that you resume sex for this to work. In particular, if he sees no sex before and after his mistreatment of you instead of mistreatment causing no sex, it will lead him to conclude that you don't "want him", independent of how he treats you. 

I'm not suggesting that it's OK for a husband to mistreat his wife if he doesn't get sex; that's certainly not OK. I'm not suggesting that a wife use sex to control her husband; that's not OK either. But as your relationship stands, I encourage you to use sex to normalize emotions in your marriage; it's meant to bond husband and wife, so let it bond him to you. Give him more sex, and be smily and sweet about it; gently nudge him for what you need (weight loss, more free time, whatever... he'll listen); and set a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse.



WorkingOnThis said:


> So , basically I guess I am just trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation. He doesn’t seem to want or care to lose the weight and I cant fake the attraction. Granted, I probably should not have gotten into a marriage with someone who I thought I could change, because that’s just dumb! But its happened now. I would like to make things work for the sake of our son, though I don’t want him growing up around fighting all the time. Well, I suppose that about sums it up. Like I said I am open to any and all advice. The arguing all the time is getting old, and I have to worry about something setting him off (it can be something as little as a couple kissing on TV). Major mood swings going on here. I am at a loss for what to do next. Ok well, I look forward to hearing from you all. Thanks so much for reading this.


Beyond your husband's counseling for anger, you two should go to marriage counseling, maybe even sex therapy. If after you exhaust these options to improve your marriage and if after you resume intimacy, either your husband continues verbally abusing you or you can't "grow to love him", you should consider leaving. 

Divorce is not ideal since you have children. But in my opinion, verbal abuse is not sustainable in the long-term, neither is a perpetually sexless marriage for your husband.

Hope this helps... good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You seem to think that you are putting your child first and somehow this is good.

The truth is that you are not putting you child first. The very best thing that parents can do for their children is to have a very strong relationship. The foundation of a strong family is the relationship between husband and wife. It's the glue that holds the family together. It's the foundation that creates a strong, healthy family in which a child can grow up safely and free to become the best that they can be.

If there is a weak foundation, as there is right now in your relationship, it hurts the child horribly. Just as divorce is hard on a child, is also hard for a child to be stuck in a family where the parents behave towards each other the way you and your husband are behaving. And you are at least as much at fault as your husband is.

When did all this problem between you start? Was it during your pregnancy? Can you pinpoint the when it started?

Right now you baby is 3 months old. So you are only a few weeks out from the end of your pregnancy. You sound more than a little depressed.

What are you doing to help yourself get over the depression? Do you get out and walk? Do you see people? Or are you just staying in the home with your child?

when was the last time you had a date with your husband?

If the two of you are struggling with no family and friends, could you move back to where they are?

You need to build a network of friends and other moms if you stay were you are. Check out meetup.com Look up your area and see what is going on. There are all kinds of things that you can do and where you can meet others. For example here where I am, there are meetups for mothers with children. They are basically play dates where you children can play and the moms can socialize, walk, etc. IT's a great way to meet other moms in your area and find others who you can swap child care with. That way you and your husband can do things like date... you really need to date your husband.

You need to pull back some and look at things from your husband's point of view for a moment. Since he was not pregnant, this entire thing of pregnancy and having a baby basically cut him out of a large part of your life. Then he works full time meaning that he is further cut out of the joy of having a baby. And then you further cut him out of your life by basically turning your back on him.

Yes what you are going through is sadly common. It does not make it right. What you are doing it wrong.

He probably feels like he is nothing more than a money source for you and the baby now. He probably feels like he is now trapped into working all the time and then going home to a wife who just rejects him. Add to that the lack of sex and I'm not surprised at all if he is in the middle of a huge depression. And guess what happens to a lot of people who are depressed? They gain weight.

Did you know that sex is good for people? Humans are the only animals who have sex for reasons other than procreating. The purpose of sex in a human relationship is to bind a couple together and to build a strong relationship so that people stay together to raise children. When you and he have sex, it causes your brains to produce feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. It's the best anti-depressant in the world. Generally, people who have a lot of sex are physically and mentally healthier than those who don’t.

Oxytocin and dopamine are also produced during times of non-sexual intimacy. Like when the two of you spend good times together, when you talk, touch each other (even just hold hands) an talk about your deep feelings. These are essential for a marriage.

Further, when women have little to no sex, they get to the point of not wanting to even be touched. The lower a woman’s oxytocin levels, the less she wants sex, the less she even wants to be touched. And, with low oxytocin levels, women get the point where they are just annoyed by everything. By you not making time for your husband, non-sexual intimacy and sex, you are making it so that you want that less and less from your husband.

Your husband’s yelling is not cool. But neither is your attitude very cool. He’s frustrated because you care so little about him that you will not even pay attention to a very valid complaint he has.

“Is divorce the only option now?” It should not be. There is a lot that can be done to fix your marriage and the ball is in your court because you are the one who is withholding from your husband. He cannot fix that.

If you just want a divorce and this is a great excuse in your mind, then go for it. Just realize that you will lose your son for about 50% of the time. Once he can be weaned from breast feeding (is he breast feeding), your husband can have him 50% of the time if he asks the court for that. Is this what you want?

If you want a good marriage and a good home for your child, find a way to love your husband, date him, sepnd tim with him and have sex with him on a regular basis. It takes about 15 hours a week of a couple spending quality time together (that’s dating, spending time doing things like cuddling & talking, doing shared activities and sex). And that’s without the children or toher people around. For example, get your child used to an early bed time. Then you and your husband can spend about 2 hours a night on week nights, that’s 10 hours right there. On the weekend, you can spend longer periods of time together.

And not having a baby sitter is no excuse. When my kids were younger we would not leave them with a baby sitter. So what we did was that we had in-home dates. Sometimes we did hire a teen girl who we knew, so she would watch them. But we did not leave her alone with the kids. What we’d do is this. We’d make all kinds of fun finger food, get some wine, put on music and lock ourselves in our bedroom. And we would talk/laugh, eat, drink, dance and have sex. We bought some fun sex games… one was a board game that when you landed on a square you had to do what the game said… it would either as an intimate question to get the two of you talking or it would tell you something sexual that you were supposed to do to the other person. We never did finish a game… it always led to hot sex after a while.

My point is that if you put our marriage first, you will find ways to build both the non-sexual and sexual intimacy that both of you need. You will build a strong family foundation for that little baby you have. He deserves to have a strong family foundation.

Some here have suggested that you read “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. I agree with that. You need to read both of them. “Love Busters” first because the two of you need to stop the love busting. Then you read “His Needs, Her Needs”. The two of you would benefit from reading these books together and doing the work that they say to do.

For the sake of your sweet baby, I really hope you chose to fix your marriage and not divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are two other very good books to read after the "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"


*The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide * by Michele Weiner Davis



*Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence * by Esther Perel


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@WorkingOnThis 

You're both to blame really. Him for being a fatso and you for not communicating why you lack interest in sex.

Both issues are intertwined right? If he was slim then you'd want to bang him I assume? Hurt feelings aside.

And if you better communicated the correlation between your attraction and his weight he'd be motivated?

So you either BOTH need to work on the relationship or BOTH go your separate ways. Pretty basic really.

He needs to achieve a healthy BMI and you need to pounce on his penis frequently to encourage him.

And for the record, I don't think anyone is blaming you for losing attraction to an obese spouse. I would too.

The question is, "How hard are you willing to work to fix it?" Be blunt if you have too. Some people need a 2x4.


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## WorkingOnThis (May 9, 2017)

I cant argue with any of this. I did make the decision to marry him.


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## WorkingOnThis (May 9, 2017)

Having sex with someone so angry is not appealing at all

And, like I said, I suppose I thought I could change him . I was attracted to him when he was losing weight. Maybe I am shallow, I dont know.. I am honest though. At any rate, it was not a good decision for either of us apparently


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## WorkingOnThis (May 9, 2017)

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. I appreciate it and am taking this all to heart.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And if you did have sex with him, he would soon be here complaining about his wife only giving him "duty sex". He would be bitter about you not enjoying it, and not initiating, etc etc etc.

But I will say I told my wife before we got married I only find trim athletic women sexually appealing. She did fairly well, but has gained some weight since she turned 50. There has been some trauma, as well. I do pick on her about it, but she claims it is only friendly and fun. However, my wife is weird, and won't complain about me, so I have to be very careful with her. Sometimes I feel like it's trying to bounce a soap bubble without popping it. But wow, what a wild little soap bubble she is.

I still enjoy sex with her, even though she is heavier than what I want. If only you two could find some way to get past your pain, you could find a way to compromise?


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

uhtred said:


> There is a chance that you are just in a bad feedback loop. He has gained weight and is unhappy so you aren't interested in sex with him. He is feeling rejected and frustrated for lack of sex and that is making him unhappy and depressed, and less inclined to work on his weight.
> 
> If sex with him is not unpleasant, just not very interesting, I suggest that you make a try to improve things. Try to set aside time for frequent passionate sex. Do what he likes in bed, and then ask him to do the same for you. See if you can get to the point of his being happy and then very gently bring up the weight issue again.
> 
> ...


If you take this advise, you'll both. Urn a ton of calories as an added bonus. Best workout motivation ever for a man.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

WorkingOnThis said:


> Having sex with someone so angry is not appealing at all


Well if he's angry all the time about lack of sex (which is what is sounds like) then regular sex will alleviate that. A simple "shut up and drop your pants" will fix that. If he's angry cause he's just a straight up a-hole who lashes out to you about other completely unrelated things then that's a whole other issue.

In any event, again you need to make it clear that you have needs too. Like you having a desirable spouse (which is completely valid imo) and him not doing anything about his weight is the moral equivalent to you whether he agrees or not. You're not just going to "accept him for who he is" if he stuffing his face with fast food and soda. That's pie in the sky bullcrap.



WorkingOnThis said:


> And, like I said, I suppose I thought I could change him . I was attracted to him when he was losing weight. Maybe I am shallow, I dont know.. I am honest though. At any rate, it was not a good decision for either of us apparently


I
You are no swallow in expecting a healthy spouse. But you did make a BIG mistake in EXPECTING him to change. Much like happiness, the desire to improve oneself can ONLY come from within. YOU cannot change people nor is it fair for you to expect him to change. He is who he is for good or bad. If he didn't want to be a fatso he would of did something about it by now. He may not like being fat (no one does) but clearly he hates putting the work into not be fat MORE than actually being fat. Bottom line.

Do you best to encourage him to lose weight. Frequent compliments when you see progress, help him diet and work out (great activity you can do TOGETHER as a couple to bond) and plenty of sex. If at the end of the day, he doesn't do his part to change then you either have to A) accept you married a fatso or B) end the relationship. Hopefully, he loves you enough to at least try. You're not going to like it but the most fair choice is A). You forced him into a covert contract but if you do choose B) then it's probably for the best.


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