# Should have divorced when I had the chance



## chesty_puller (Apr 11, 2013)

I like to keep this short and simply, but we will see how it turns out....

I have been married 5 years now. 
I have one stepdaughter (11).
and another duaghter (3).

My wife and I married for financial reasons only. At the time we were just friends with benefits. AS FRIENDS, we got married. We lived in different states and since I am SUPER attracted to her, I thought it would be a good idea to have her and her daughter live with me. We been together since.

Almost 3 months ago we decided to get a divorce. It was coming from me. She was devastated. I felt really guilty about what I was going to do to the family. I have never been this close to leaving her before. This time it was REAL. After the guilt of knowing what I was putting her through I decided to stay together. Things were fine for about a month. And now I having the same feeling of divorce again.

Its not that she is a bad person. I am just unhappy. She is sexually attractive. But I never want to have sex with her anymore. I just dont have any passion for her. We are like roomates, not spouses.

We both have seen a marriage counselor for 8 weeks. Now we both see our own counselor. But still, I regret not leaving while I had the chance.

Questions I would like to ask you all:

How much marriage counseling should you do before enough is enough?

Am I wrong for dragging this relationship out when I know I am unhapppy?

I have considered cheating, should I? (ofcourse not, i know)

Has anyone just fell out of love? If she ask me why I want to leave, I am just vague and say "I'm not happy". I have a hard time explaining this to her.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> OP: Questions I would like to ask you all:
> 
> How much marriage counseling should you do before enough is enough? If you've been sincerely trying for 8 weeks and are now in IC and STILL want out, then enough is enough! You are wasting your time, her time, therapists' time, and your money.
> 
> ...


I'm assuming YOU'RE being honest in that you really DON'T know WHY you want out...not covering up an affair or flirtation or something else you just DON'T want to come clean about, are you? Because this IS an ANONYMOUS FORUM. It's not like we KNOW who you are! Be as honest as possible here, and you'll get the best advice!

I assume you're a Marine, right? (No bearing on the problem, I'm just nosy like that! )


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## chesty_puller (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks for the response! 
I have cheated early in our relationship when were still "friends with benefits". Since we been living together, I have never cheated. Ioften thought about it, but never acted. 

I have grown to love this women. but I am not passionatley in love with her. I dont think I never was. I never got on my knee and begged for her hand in marriage. We just got married.

I thought that maybe this is just how marriage is. just two unhappy people. but i see other happily married people and it makes me want that type of relationship. But I can't see this with my wife.

I think we are just not made for eachother. no chemistry.

Yes, I am a Marine...my username probably gave that away..are you a marine?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your name DID give you away! I'm not a Marine, I'm a 56yo former stay-at-home mom who is job-hunting!


How do you 'cheat' on a FWB scenario? By not being exclusive?
You say you have "often thought" about cheating...since the BEGINNING of the marriage, or more recently than that?
The getting down on your knee and FORMALLY proposing OR NOT is indicative of nothing; doesn't prove or disprove anything.
You are unhappy; would you say it's ALWAYS been this way, or since the birth of your daughter, or more recently.
You state that your wife is also unhappy; does she say WHY specifically?
You find her "sexually attractive", but you say there is "no chemistry" and that you never want to have sex with her again. That is hard for me to grasp...seems like the quoted parts would be mutually exclusive, but maybe someone else can help out on that portion!
WHY did you marry her for FINANCIAL REASONS? What EXACTLY does that mean? She had not enough income for herself and her daughter or no medical benefits and so you married her?

What EXACTLY did your wife *DO* for a living when you met her? 

I assume you were a Marine back when you met/married her? 

How long were you two FWB before you married?

*No one is here to JUDGE you, or her, or your marriage or anything else.* Without coherent answers, we can't give you appropriate insight or recommendations. This just doesn't make good sense to me so I'm going to say what I think and *please do NOT take it as a slam to either of you,* *I'm just trying to figure it out. *Was your wife a dancer/stripper/escort when you met/married? Is there something else IMPORTANT that you're leaving out of this story...because I just can't get it to make sense to me!


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## chesty_puller (Apr 11, 2013)

Yes, we were FWB and I wasn't exclusive. 
I would say that I have thought about cheating during our entire marriage.

I would say that I have always been unhappy. I always felt that I shouldn't have married her and marrying her for financial reason were a regret.
To answer your question about our marriage, we simply wanted to get the military benefits of married people. medical, dental and more cash in the pocket.

I dont think I said I "never" want to have sex with her again. I just dont feel the passion and motivation to have sex. We still do have sex. But its not often. maybe once every other week.

I'm embarrassed to tell my friends this because they all think my wife is hot. They might assume I'm gay or something.

Before my wife and I got together, she had a normal desk job. She wasnt a stripper or anything.
We were FWB for about 3 months before marriage.

And I know you aren't judging me. I have thick skin. And I am sorry that I keep leaving little details out.

I just dont think I can go on with this marriage anymore. I dont want to drag her along either. I think we can both live normal lives if we separate now. We are both 31 years old and I think we can bounce back easily.

I just never loved her the way a man is suppose to love his wife. I never had those deep feelings for her. When I told her this a couple months back, I thought we were going to be able to break up..Then when we talk about how to break up with kids, income, moving we get stressed out. and honestly, its just easier to stay together. but im not happy. Thats why i flirt with the idea of cheating. 

I think if I cheated, atleast I will be happy. I know, that is really selfish right? And I wouldnt want her to do that to me.

ITs easy for people to say "just leave". Hell, I've said it to some friends before. Leaving is not easy. I actually care for her well being. My dad left when I was young. I dont want to put my kids through all that. So staying together, even though we are not happy seems OK. But one of us will cheat, I know it.

Also, she isnt happy. and its partly my fault. She doesnt get the love and affectionate from me that she wants. So it makes her act in a negative way towards me. I simply cant give her that love and affection because I dont feel the love and affection for her.

This is very complicating. I fantasize about being single and not worrying about all this. Then I fear if I break up with my wife, what if im the same way with the next girl.

My counselor tells me there is nothing wrong with me. So atleast I know I am not bi-polar.

Thanks for your feedback. Its hard to be 100% honest on these forums. What if my wife is reading these too! Well atleast she will know how I still feel.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Yes, we were FWB and I wasn't exclusive. 
I would say that I have thought about cheating during our entire marriage.

I would say that I have always been unhappy. I always felt that I shouldn't have married her and marrying her for financial reason were a regret.
To answer your question about our marriage, we simply wanted to get the military benefits of married people. medical, dental and more cash in the pocket. Okay, that makes sense, I can understand that POV.

I dont think I said I "never" want to have sex with her again. You actually DID:


> She is sexually attractive. But *I never want to have sex with her anymore*. I just dont have any passion for her.


 which made me wonder if it was a sexual problem (thus my inquiry about her former work) I just dont feel the passion and motivation to have sex. We still do have sex. But its not often. maybe once every other week.

I'm embarrassed to tell my friends this because they all think my wife is hot. They might assume I'm gay or something. If you think your friends would be judgmental, then, of course, you should NOT say anything to them; they would NOT be helpful or understanding.

Before my wife and I got together, she had a normal desk job. She wasnt a stripper or anything.
We were FWB for about 3 months before marriage.

And I know you aren't judging me. I have thick skin. And I am sorry that I keep leaving little details out. You're doing great! I'm sorry if I sound accusatory. I realize it is difficult for you to know what IS/ISN'T pertinent to the discussion. I've read THOUSANDS of posts...this is your FIRST. You're fine!

I just dont think I can go on with this marriage anymore. I dont want to drag her along either. I think we can both live normal lives if we separate now. We are both 31 years old and I think we can bounce back easily.

I just never loved her the way a man is suppose to love his wife. I never had those deep feelings for her. When I told her this a couple months back, I thought we were going to be able to break up..Then when we talk about how to break up with kids, income, moving we get stressed out. and honestly, its just easier to stay together. but im not happy. Thats why i flirt with the idea of cheating. 

I think if I cheated, atleast I will be happy. I know, that is really selfish right? And I wouldnt want her to do that to me. If you didn't love your wife the right way when you married her, and it hasn't grown in the following five years, then it's NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. You two need to leave this marriage NOT JUST FOR YOURSELVES, but for your daughters. You two are MODELING behavior for them. You're showing them how adults live, how a man/woman acts, how a SPOUSE behaves. The lessons you're teaching them CURRENTLY are NOT ones you want them to learn. If you don't leave, they will EACH OF THEM have this exact same type of relationship in their future. Why? Because it's what they KNOW. They might not LIKE IT, but it will AT LEAST be comfortable...predictable. They know how their man will act, and they will REACT accordingly...just like they've been watching at YOUR HOUSE. 

ITs easy for people to say "just leave". Hell, I've said it to some friends before. Leaving is not easy. I actually care for her well being. My dad left when I was young. I dont want to put my kids through all that. So staying together, even though we are not happy seems OK. But one of us will cheat, I know it. Then it will ALL blow up with hate, name-calling, accusations, recriminations....GET OUT before you guys foist that kind of crap off on your girls. You ALL deserve better than that!

Also, she isnt happy. and its partly my fault. She doesnt get the love and affectionate from me that she wants. So it makes her act in a negative way towards me. I simply cant give her that love and affection because I dont feel the love and affection for her. I can understand her reaction, it's natural. I can understand that you can't FAKE what you ain't GOT!

This is very complicating. I fantasize about being single and not worrying about all this. Then I fear if I break up with my wife, what if im the same way with the next girl. I will address this at the end of my post.

My counselor tells me there is nothing wrong with me. So atleast I know I am not bi-polar. It's good to know you have nothing SERIOUSLY wrong with you, but no-one is perfect and YOU have some things to work on.

Thanks for your feedback. Its hard to be 100% honest on these forums. What if my wife is reading these too! Well atleast she will know how I still feel. The chances are next to nothing that she is here or that she would read THIS thread.

You married your wife for ALL the wrong reasons; okay, it's done, no use beating a dead horse. You BOTH need to acknowledge it, there is NO POINT in hiding this from her. Let her know it was YOUR FAULT for NOT being honest with her (if, indeed, she thought you WERE "in love" with her at the time of the marriage. If she KNEW you were NOT, in love with her, then she needs to acknowledge HER mistake in marrying you and she should not be so "shocked" to find you want a divorce at this point.

YOU need to talk to your therapist and explain that YOU WANT A DIVORCE. You want it NOW, you want it with the least amount of damage to your STBXW (soon-to-be-ex-wife) and your daughters. HOW CAN YOUR THERAPIST HELP YOU ACHIEVE THAT GOAL? WHAT STEPS NEED TO BE IN PLACE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

Once THAT is sorted out, ask your therapist how BEST to explain it to your wife...you two alone, your wife accompanies you to the therapist where you tell her, your therapist contacts her therapist for a joint session where you each have support from your own therapists? Get your therapist's input.

Help your wife see that you want out BEFORE one of you cheats. BEFORE you damage the girls any more. BEFORE your personal interaction is damaged beyond repair. The focus of you and your STBXW should be to HELP THE GIRLS TO COPE BY FOCUSING ON THEIR NEEDS, by treating EACH OTHER respectfully, maturely, and with dignity as your children's OTHER PARENT. 

When all is said and done, you want a CO-PARENTING situation where EVERYBODY is RESPECTFUL of each other. Mommy is NOT a hysterical manipulating bytch, Daddy is NOT a heartless monster! See what resources (books, websites, seminars) are available for BOTH OF YOU on co-parenting, on fighting fairly, on helping the girls come to grips with this. YOU'VE BEEN THERE...YOU need to convince your STBXW of the NECESSITY of both of you putting your feelings aside and focusing on the girls!

If you try hard, you CAN divorce with dignity, with respect for the other parent, with love for the girls. Make THAT your priority; you can ONLY be responsible for your OWN behavior, not your STBXW's. Make sure yours is ABOVE REPROACH.

You might inquire of your marriage counselor if joint counseling would be helpful to set out guidelines (dating before the divorce is final? allowed/not allowed; sleepovers by opposite sex friends? allowed/not allowed; etc. The decisions to these answers NEED TO COME FROM YOU and your STBXW.)

Good luck. Check in with your therapist and get moving. If your STBXW and the girls are going to be moving, make sure it's done BEFORE the girls start a new school year!

You need to continue your therapy to figure out WHY you married without love. Was it a lack of maturity? A need to prove something? An inability to predict long-term results (hard NOW on the 11yo)? Trying to fill an 'emptiness'? Figure it out NOW so that you can "fix" whatever is wrong and have a happier, healthier future with relationships that are GOOD examples for your daughters!


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## chesty_puller (Apr 11, 2013)

Thanks for all you sound advice. I know I am not perfect and there is always two sides of the story. I am going to build the courage and take steps towards divorce. Its just soooooo hard to talk to her about it when we are not fighting. When things "appear" to be ok. So I need to think about how to do this, again. Yes, we been through this before. and it is stressful. now i have to go through it all again.

I will talk to my counselor again on how to do this. Its nice that he also specializes in "co-parenting". So the divorce talk is nothing new to him...


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I am always dumbfounded when people consider divorce when they are not happy for a such a short time as a few weeks. You promise your entire life to someone for better or for worse, kids are involved, families involved, total emotional devastation looming, and you don't even want to try for more than a few weeks? C'mon, now.

Chesty, I don't think you are a bad guy- but you really need to pull your head out of your butt. 'In love' 'deep feelings' can be worked on. But it takes WORK. Read books, join forums, pray, talk to your wife, give this everything you have for a few YEARS. If you do this, and if your wife does this, your marriage will work and you will be happy. If you don't and choose the coward's way out (divorce without even a true attempt to make it work), you will devastate everyone around you, including yourself and your children. Some of the people involved here may never recover, that's a real possibility. That's how serious this is.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> wilderness:
> when people consider divorce when they are not happy for such a short time


*Did you even READ* the part where he NEVER LOVED HIS WIFE? *They married for FINANCIAL REASONS ONLY. It's the FIRST sentence* of his first full paragraph! *They're now FIVE YEARS into a marriage* where they married for financial reasons! That is HARDLY 'such a short time'.



> give this everything you have for a few YEARS


 If he didn't love her when he married her, and he hasn't developed love for her in FIVE YEARS...it's not going to happen!


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## chesty_puller (Apr 11, 2013)

thanks for your respons and wise words. I mean that. I have been dealing with this for more than a couple weeks. Its been years! I told her how i felt in our 3rd year of marriage. we kinda just let it pass without doing anything. But this feeling isnt new. We have done marriage counseling, I am in counseling, I have even read books. I have tried to force this feeling of passion and love but it just isnt happening. I cant force myself to love her with all my heart. I can love her for the person she is, but as a partner, I am not on that level. I even thought it would just grow on me, but it wouldnt. And 5 years later, here I am, stuck in a marriage they should have ended atleast 3 years ago.

And trust me, I feel like a coward sometimes. thats why i am on this forum. So everything that people say to me I can take it. And I am greatful for it. I just want you to know that I have tried, and I dont see this working. I think our kids will be better off with parents are separated, but get along.

Im not sure if you read all my post, but me and my wife got married for financial reasons. there were no vows, are me bending on my knees begging for marriage. We were just friends (that ha sex) and we wanted to benefit from the military benefits. I KNOW, VERY BAD DECISION AND IMMATURE


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