# An Interesting Read on Prioritizing Sex



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

What you should know if there's no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist | CNN


Why would a person pick a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can sexual attraction be cultivated later? Therapist Ian Kerner shares what he's learned in his practice.




www.cnn.com





I thought this was an interesting article and wanted to share it here in case someone found it helpful. I completely agree with the premise that people who do not prioritize sexual compatibility, do so at their own peril. But I found it surprising (not sure why in hindsight) that men are a big part of the people who marry for characteristics other than love / attraction.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Thanks for posting this @DTO, I found it an interesting read as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This is something that a lot of women have always known. That's the problem with having a double standard. Those who chose a wife using the double standard probably never figured on being faithful to them to begin with.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This is something that a lot of women have always known. That's the problem with having a double standard. Those who chose a wife using the double standard probably never figured on being faithful to them to begin with.


Double standard meaning?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DTO said:


> Double standard meaning?


Exactly what that article described.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Exactly what that article described.


Not sure we read the same article LOL!!. Nowhere does it say that one gender is held to a different standard than the other. It just acknowledges that men as well as women make bad choices in choosing a partner to whom they are not sexually attracted.

And it reinforces that sex should be integral to the marriage, as the analogy to it being the protein in a meal rather than dessert makes clear. Given how many marriages have a partner who feels the opposite, it's nice to have an expert say that frequent sex is important.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I read the article. I can't believe some men would marry a woman they are not sexually attracted to. A marriage is a sexual relationship, being sexually attractive to each other is an absolute must.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Thanks for posting the article. While CNN is not what I consider a great source of information, still interesting. 



> I’ve talked with many men in their 30s who have told me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.”
> 
> Characteristics on that list include “being my best friend,” “will make an amazing mother,” “our friends and families get along so well,” and “she really loves me.” The one box that didn’t get ticked? Sexual attraction — and often the men didn’t even list that quality to start.


What I question about the article is the meaning of sexual attraction. In particular how that might compare to long term sexual desire for a person and long term intimacy. When a couple has an active sex life, certain feel good and bonding hormones will be released that produce a chemical and emotional bonding or addition. 

I can understand how a person can find a potential mate that they view a "marriage material" start having sex with them and then be overcome by the bonding power of sex. Some might view that as sexual attraction others sexual addiction. I do think that there is a difference. If this is the couple's basis of "sexual attraction" I can see how once the sex stops, they might find that they never had any long term sexual attraction for their partner.

I kind of like David Schnarch's book Intimacy and Desire where he discusses intimacy in marriage and sexual desire. He feels that by learning to calm your heart, differentiate yourself, and become vulnerable, you can build intimacy and sexual desire. Which to me sounds like long term sexual attraction can be created. I think that this concept is brought up toward the end of the article.



> Don’t feel that all is lost if you’re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “It often isn’t until our 30s that we get comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.
> https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/28/health/sexual-desire-older-women-study-wellness/index.html
> But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples will stop having sex anyway so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction.
> 
> “Many couples in their 50s can explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s and beyond who are able to expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-create intimacy, sex can continue to be vibrant and rich,” Dillon added via email.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I think it would be women, by a bigger margin, who marry without sexual attraction.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

This article is contradictory. In the beginning it says 
"_Sexuality is the one thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find that it’s one kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through hard times. That’s why I’m puzzled that so many people devalue sex in picking a partner for a long-term relationship_.'

Then ends with
"_We have this misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there is no relationship potential. That’s just not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience increased closeness and connection_.”

I am on team Spark. I have never had sexual attraction grow from nothing to something over time. If it's not there to begin with, it won't be there ever.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lila said:


> This article is contradictory.


Well, I guess CNN likes it like that. It quotes from 6 different therapists / researchers. In my opinion Kerner is good. 
The last one (Needle) has been put in for "contrast". But most of them, I think, agree that sexual attraction on day 1 is very important. 



DTO said:


> Double standard meaning?


What I guess they used to call the "Madonna / Wh***" complex in the olden times. Now said to be "you can't make a ho into a housewife" ?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Lila said:


> I have never had sexual attraction grow from nothing to something over time.


Me neither.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Lila said:



I am on team Spark. I have never had sexual attraction grow from nothing to something over time. If it's not there to begin with, it won't be there ever.

Click to expand...

*I've had that happen numerous times - no sexual spark at first and then it all changed as I grew closer to the person.

Conversely, there have been men that I've actually tired to drink pretty because they had so many OTHER redeeming features that it was worth a try, but even 4 Margaritas wouldn't do it. 🤣


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I find it hard to believe there are a lot of men out there who marry women they’re not sexually attracted to. If there are that is really sad.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ccpowerslave said:


> I find it hard to believe there are a lot of men out there who marry women they’re not sexually attracted to. If there are that is really sad.


Ain't just men. People. There are people who marry without sexual attraction. I don't think it's that small a margin, either, especially among certain demographics who are more willing to "settle" due to age, life stage, and a host of other reasons where they may decide to overlook the lack of attraction in order to have a life partner.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> I find it hard to believe there are a lot of men out there who marry women they’re not sexually attracted to. If there are that is really sad.


Nowadays? I'd say there are a ton of them. I can't speak for every guy here but I have had some dating struggles over the years. I could get a beautiful, sexy girl interested, but she was most likely a trainwreck. The girls that seemed the nicest, most relationship material ones were often very unattractive. It was sometimes hard to find a balance.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Ain't just men. People. There are people who marry without sexual attraction. I don't think it's that small a margin, either, especially among certain demographics who are more willing to "settle" due to age, life stage, and a host of other reasons where they may decide to overlook the lack of attraction in order to have a life partner.


I am not wired that way. I can’t imagine even going on a date with a woman that I wasn’t sexually attracted to.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I picked my wife, then GF, almost solely on sexual attraction. After just a few minutes of talk when we met I knew I want to get her in bed. All the other connections came later. I can't fathom a man picking woman to marry without sexual attraction of some kind.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Lila said:


> This article is contradictory. In the beginning it says
> "_Sexuality is the one thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find that it’s one kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through hard times. That’s why I’m puzzled that so many people devalue sex in picking a partner for a long-term relationship_.'
> 
> Then ends with
> ...


Yup, but the article does note that those opinions differ among professionals in the same field - the author is not creating the contradiction.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think both the men in the article and their wives should divorce and start seeing other men. 

What kind of man marries a woman he has no sexual desire for??? Answer = guys that prefer dudes. 

Perhaps it’s the way they are wording it and how they are classifying sexual attraction and desire but I am not buying that men on any kind of significant scale are marrying women that they basically have NO sexual attraction or desire for. 

Now did they perhaps marry the woman that was in second or third place on the sexual Richter scale because the first place trophy went to a certifiable loon and second place went to a recalcitrant party girl that couldn’t stay out of other men’s beds and was a Funtime girl rather than wife material?


Sure, that probably happens all the time for both men and women. 

But NO attraction and desire??

Nope not buying it. Not in healthy, heterosexual men anyway.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I picked my wife, then GF, almost solely on sexual attraction. After just a few minutes of talk when we met I knew I want to get her in bed. All the other connections came later. I can't fathom a man picking woman to marry without sexual attraction of some kind.


Exactly...when I met my wife I could have sworn she was the girl from Ohio State in the 1996 Playboy's Girls of the Big 12. My 1st thought when she called me and we set a date was, Oh hell! I am swinging way above my level here! How can that fine Texas filly want to go out with this big ole country boy. She said she was attracted to my height, blue eyes and the uniform.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Laurentium said:


> What I guess they used to call the "Madonna / Wh***" complex in the olden times. Now said to be "you can't make a ho into a housewife" ?


A man wants June Cleaver socially and a wh—- in the bedroom? Kinda like women desiring bad boys but marrying nice guys. Not really a “double standard” but difficult for one person to fill.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I think both the men in the article and their wives should divorce and start seeing other men.
> 
> What kind of man marries a woman he has no sexual desire for??? Answer = guys that prefer dudes.
> 
> Perhaps it’s the way they are wording it and how they are classifying sexual attraction and desire but I am not buying that men on any kind of significant scale are marrying women that they basically have NO sexual attraction or desire for.


I don’t know the scale of it, but I’m sure there are plenty of men and women who prioritize all of those other traits over sexual attraction. Then their otherwise amazing spouse can’t figure out why their sex life is nonexistent.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> But when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me he picked his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.
> 
> Why would a person pick a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn’t there in the first place be cultivated later?
> 
> ...


I suspect that young men and women these days have longer and longer checklists. Certainly longer than they were when people married at 18-21.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> A man wants June Cleaver socially and a wh—- in the bedroom? Kinda like women desiring bad boys but marrying nice guys. Not really a “double standard” but difficult for one person to fill.


My wife and I are very much about PDAs but she dresses very moderately in public, but in bedroom😜 As she says, she is daddy's little 304.


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