# the truth



## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

After 2 years of misery since first DDay and begging him to tell me the truth about everything, I think it might actually happen!!! I am fairly certain that he has not cheated on since 2011 but he has been telling me lies about the stupidest stuff. I have been telling him to be honest, his SA counselor has been telling him to be honest but for whatever reason, last night he went to a marriage counselor by himself and she said he needs to come clean and stop worrying about hurting me with the truth while he is killing me with the lies. Suddenly he seems to get it!!! He works out of state and I was going to see him every weekend but for the last couple weeks we have barely talked because of another lie I caught him in. He was going to call me when he got off work this evening to have "the talk" but I sent him a text telling him to email me everything he wants to tell me. That way I can take my time processing it and not react in a bad way, like I usually do. And it will give him time to figure out everything he needs to tell me. What do you think about doing it this way???/ Am I doing the right thing?:scratchhead:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds like a good start. Many couples write down a timeline of events and how they occurred. You are doing good. You should let him know what you want his timeline to look like. 

How many times, when, where, feelings involved. etc....

Giving yourself time to digest it is good also and you can think clearly to ask more questions and also tell him what you are feeling.

Best wishes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sblue said:


> I am fairly certain that he has not cheated on since 2011 but he has been telling me lies about the stupidest stuff.


I'm not sure how you can be so certain he hasn't cheated if you don't know when to believe him. Why is he so comfortable lying to you?

Is he hiding the truth to spare you or to avoid consequences? I think the latter is more likely.

Nothing wrong with giving him an ultimatum - as long as you don't re-write the line in the sand.


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## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

Thank you. I know it's going to be ugly and I hope he feels like crap having to write it all down.


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## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

I had him take a polygraph a few months ago and he passed when asked about having sex with any other woman. He lies about petty stuff but I hopefully will find out tonight what else he has lied about.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

sblue said:


> After 2 years of misery since first DDay and begging him to tell me the truth about everything, I think it might actually happen!!! I am fairly certain that he has not cheated on since 2011 but he has been telling me lies about the stupidest stuff. I have been telling him to be honest, his SA counselor has been telling him to be honest but for whatever reason, last night he went to a marriage counselor by himself and she said he needs to come clean and stop worrying about hurting me with the truth while he is killing me with the lies. Suddenly he seems to get it!!! He works out of state and I was going to see him every weekend but for the last couple weeks we have barely talked because of another lie I caught him in. He was going to call me when he got off work this evening to have "the talk" but I sent him a text telling him to email me everything he wants to tell me. That way I can take my time processing it and not react in a bad way, like I usually do. And it will give him time to figure out everything he needs to tell me. What do you think about doing it this way???/ Am I doing the right thing?:scratchhead:


Dear sblue,

I don't think so, for a few of reasons:

- First, you are placing an obstacle in the way of him coming clean.

- Second, it is much harder for people to write down their "sins" rather than to confess them orally (that's why the police only give a confessed criminal a written confession to sign after having exrracted an oral confession from him).

- Third, if he is going to confess to something that might have legal consequences (e.g., in a divorce or child custody proceeding), he would be well-advised not to write it down (although he may not think of this).

It seems to me that you should be doing everything possible to encourage him to start being truthful with you, which means making confessing easier rather than harder. After he tells you what he has done, then you might reasonably ask for something in writing (e.g., a time-line of his infidelity).

Anyway, good luck.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

He shouldn't be telling you what he wants to tell you. He should make himself available to answer any and all of your questions.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> It seems to me that you should be doing everything possible to encourage him to start being truthful with you, which means making confessing easier rather than harder. After he tells you what he has done, then you might reasonably ask for something in writing (e.g., a time-line of his infidelity).
> .


Why not try this route : 

Let him know you want him to share everything you want and need to know.

But in exchange, you don't get to comment.

That's it. He can share with impunity.

This BS about not wanting to hurt you is just that.. BS.

He's just trying to avoid making himself uncomfortable.

Your response to his truth sharing efforts can affect his willingness to share, though it shouldn't.

I hate to admit it, but if your reactions are disproportionate to what he's telling you, he's going to be wary next time.

Don't reward him for lying to you though.

This is a really tricky dance to be doing. :\


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

sblue said:


> Thank you. I know it's going to be ugly and I hope he feels like crap having to write it all down.


You need to forgive him if you want to reconcile. I don't mean forget what he did, but he is human. Forgiving him is for you so you can find peace. You cannot control what another person feels or does.

You are hurt and I understand that completely. You shouldn't wish for him to feel like crap. You would better be served by hoping that he will tell you the truth and be remorseful. That will lead to R.

I think you are off to a good start sister. I wish you well and God bless.


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## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

his confession included going to a lot of bars and drinking. He was talking to women but only "hit" on one. He said he doesn't remember what he said to her but it was cheesy and he felt like crap as soon as he said it. He apologized, told her he was married and talked away, hanging his head. When I asked him what would have happened if she said she didn't care if he was married, he said he didn't know. Not for sure if he felt bad for hitting on her as a married man or if it's just because he sucked at it and made a fool of himself. I was driving 6 hours round trip every weekend to be with him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him. He is seeing a counselor for sex addiction which I don't think is the problem. He is almost like a rebellious teenager, trying to see what he can get away with. Think it makes him feel good to have that little secret life. How can I feel good about myself when he has to go out and hit on other women?? He is going to bars late at night by himself. Any women there is going to think he is available. Why else would he be there? So hurt and confused.


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## sblue (Feb 6, 2014)

And the strange thing is that he keeps tracking me on my phone!! I never gave him any reason to not trust me! My son-in-law saw a post on Craig's List that was a guy wanting to hire somebody out to hit on his wife as a test. He said he works out of state. Pretty sure it was him. Sometimes I think he wants me to mess up so he can end the marriage but not look like the bad guy.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

sblue said:


> his confession included going to a lot of bars and drinking. He was talking to women but only "hit" on one.


Bars are breeding grounds for hook ups. Why on earth is a married man going to a bar alone?

He may not be hitting on them, but he's putting himself right in the MIDDLE of traffic. What did he expect?

I think he knows what he expected, he's just playing you for a fool.

What's his next excuse.. "It wasn't my fault honey, she just fell on me.."

He may not be overtly hitting on these women, but he's deliberately putting himself in a position where infidelity may happen.

He may as well hit on them outright if he's going to go to bars, and drink alcohol.

Does he think you are a fool or something?



sblue said:


> He said he doesn't remember what he said to her but it was cheesy and he felt like crap as soon as he said it. He apologized, told her he was married and talked away, hanging his head. When I asked him what would have happened if she said she didn't care if he was married, he said he didn't know.


You ought to be asking him why he is there in the first place.

Married men don't belong in singles bars getting drunk, sorry.



sblue said:


> Not for sure if he felt bad for hitting on her as a married man or if it's just because he sucked at it and made a fool of himself.


What on earth does it matter how HE feels? HE cheated, not you. You are the victim here, you cant' baby the guy that cheated, that's not going to work.



sblue said:


> I was driving 6 hours round trip every weekend to be with him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him.


Do you not understand how appetite works?

One woman IS enough for one man. He just wants MORE.

One bowl of ice cream is enough, but that does not stop people from wanting MORE.

He's just GREEDY and SELFISH.



sblue said:


> He is seeing a counselor for sex addiction which I don't think is the problem. He is almost like a rebellious teenager, trying to see what he can get away with.


That's pretty normal with infidelity cases. He's not an addict. Not if he can say no and walk away.



sblue said:


> Think it makes him feel good to have that little secret life. How can I feel good about myself when he has to go out and hit on other women??


You can't. HE feels good at the EXPENSE of YOU feeling BAD.

That's the price of infidelity. He racks up the purchases, and YOU PAY for them.



sblue said:


> He is going to bars late at night by himself. Any women there is going to think he is available. Why else would he be there? So hurt and confused.


Of course he's going to get hit on. How is this confusing to you?

He knows he's going there, he knows what's going to happen. He chooses to put YOU into HARMS WAY so HE can feel GOOD about HIMSELF.

What's confusing about that?

He's just SELFISH.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Bars are breeding grounds for hook ups. Why on earth is a married man going to a bar alone?
> 
> He may not be hitting on them, but he's putting himself right in the MIDDLE of traffic. What did he expect?
> 
> ...


Epic post, Allen_A.

QFT.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

sblue said:


> And the strange thing is that he keeps tracking me on my phone!! I never gave him any reason to not trust me! My son-in-law saw a post on Craig's List that was a guy wanting to hire somebody out to hit on his wife as a test. He said he works out of state. Pretty sure it was him. Sometimes I think he wants me to mess up so he can end the marriage but not look like the bad guy.


It's a lot easier for HIM to cheat if he knows where YOU are.

Do you know what deflection is?

YOU bring up HIS cheating, and instead of him addressing the issue he just brings up YOU instead.

He may not want to end the marriage, but he does want YOU in the spotlight rather than HIM.

Why would he end the marriage? If he can have his cake and eat it too he's going to do just that.

If you send him to counseling he's just going to use that to buy time.

Watch this video, this is your husband : 

Dr Phil: A Husband's Betrayal: Lies, Secret Video Tapes and Financial Ruin [December 17, 2013] - YouTube

How much of the household finances has your husband thrown away on this nonsense in the last two years?


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