# Hot or Cold: Which Path to Take Towards Reconciliation?



## Democritus

Alright, most of my story has been pared down for privacy reasons, but here's the gist of it:

I was a critical, inattentive husband who let his wife down on a variety of levels, ending with her walking out just over two months ago. No abuse or infidelity on my side, and none that I know of on her side.

We've been together for 10 years, and have two small children (4 and 7) who desperately wish we'd fix things. She has taken a "no way, never going to happen" approach from the beginning, even while trying to remain close to me in a friendly way, while I've been all-out love, self-reflection, and personal work to better myself as a man, husband, and father since.

As it stands now, that work hasn't gotten me anywhere after about 75 days; she still stands firm, to both me and the kids.

So, for my own sanity and in order to give me family the best chance, I'm torn between a continued loving approach, or a tougher approach that let's her taste reality without me in it at all.

I've added the pros and cons as I see them below, but I'd be very interested to hear from other members for whom reconciliation is the goal - especially if you've been successful.

This is a decision that I'm being forced to make quickly given the circumstances - like tonight - so I'd love to hear from as many TAMers as possible before committing; you guys have been there longer than I, after all, with results of one kind or another to show for your efforts.

***

*Pros of Loving Approach*

1. It comes naturally, because I do love her.

2. It continues to show her the good man that I am, and the better man that I'm becoming.

3. It allows me to retain a friendship with my best friend.

4. It's good for the kids.

*Cons of Loving Approach*

1. Loving her in this unrequited way is heartbreaking, and threatens to prolong my own pain.

2. Same point in maintaining a friendship; she gets what she wants, I get hurt.

3. Perceived closeness could have the same effect on the kids, specifically my older boy who holds out hope in the same way that I do.

*Pros of Tough Approach*

1. Going dark could cause her to miss the parts of me that I know she loves.

2. Going dark could help me to regain a sense of balance in life more quickly.

3. Going dark would keep me from feeling as if I'm throwing myself at crumbs.

4. I've been loving for more than two months now, with no results other than the building of a friendship - not what I'm after here.

*Cons of Tough Approach*

1. I lose my best friend.

2. Potentially she sees my darkness as a sign that she's gotten her way in squishing the hope out of me.

3. Going dark would make being fun, amicable parents more difficult.

***

No matter what, I really do feel that I've got to take a black and white approach to this, pick a path, and stick with it. I need to do this for my own sanity, so that I feel like I have a plan instead of playing every moment by ear and hoping for the best (even while usually receiving the worst).

It seems to be that I either commit to a long future of offering unconditional, unexpectant love (outside of a few key scenarios, such as her dating someone else), or I call off the dogs, hunker down, and move on.

Neither is very appealing for its own unique reasons, and I'll continue to work on me with a vengeance in the meantime. Tough choice, but one that I'm determined to make tonight. 

We've got a simple family dinner planned tomorrow night; my first step with the loving approach would be to go and be cheerful and fantastic, while my first step with the tough approach would be to cancel under the guise of an appointment and start going dark from there.

I've got tonight only, and it occurs to me that this will be one of the most difficult - and perhaps important - decisions that I ever make regarding the future of my family.


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## Hope1964

My take would be that being amicable and friendly but moving on with your own life would be in the best interests of the kids here.

They are always going to wish you'd get back together. My kids were 4, 2 and 4 months when I left their dad, and the oldest STILL think we should have stayed together (he's 23 now)


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## Democritus

Yeah, I worry about what the future has in store for their hope.


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## indiecat

Be polite and friendly for the sake of the kids. Other than matters concerning the kids do NOT contact her at all. Give her the space to miss you. 

Have you read about the 180? 

How does she 'remain close to you in a friendly way"?


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## Democritus

She's still needy, in her own reserved way. We were always great friends, even when the pressures of life and kids made our marriage difficult, so I know this misses this aspect of our relationship (though nothing else, apparently).

So, she calls to chat often, texts randomly through the day, etc. To be fair, I've always done the same, so it's been a mutual thing.


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## raybies

Take control of your life and your future. It's not always about her and I feel you figure her out you know what's the up side and down side ....just proceed with cautions.


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## Mr Blunt

> As it stands now, that work hasn't gotten me anywhere after about 75 days; she still stands firm, to both me and the kids.
> 
> I need to do this for my own sanity, so that I feel like I have a plan instead of playing every moment by ear and hoping for the best (even while usually receiving the worst).



I think you helped answer your own question with your quotes above

I would try the dark method for two months and see what happens. Do not be rude but do be resolute and strong. Maybe tell her that you want more than anything to work things out but now that she has made it clear* with her position of
"No way, never going to happen", you are going to look at your other options.*

It will be hard on you but probably no harder than you being in such limbo


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## whitehawk

l'm no expert and sep'd myself 7mths but l go with Blunt especially with her wanting this but then texting back and forth everyday. Sorta cake eating on her part. Sounds like it might do her good to get a proper taste of being without you for awhile. 
l reckon wean her of the texting crap , see how she likes it. Like not cold turkey day one but less and less replies aver a few wks until it's only on the stuff that matters . take your time answering what you do to.

Gotta tell ya though, it's damn hard. Good luck with whatever you decide anyway.


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## awake1

That she talks to you, to me means she wants to keep you as a spinning plate. Basically friend zoning you so she still gets your emotional comfort while she sees what else is out there for her. 

You need to nip that in the bud right now. 

Be friendly, but not friends. There is no need. She chose a life apart from yours and shes torturing you with false hope. (and you're torturing yourself) 

No conversation imo should be happening that doesn't involve the kids or her saying "i'm sorry lets work it out."

Let her go, if she comes back she does, if not then not.


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