# Need advice



## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

My woman loves me and says she will marry me. I trust her, but not other people. Weve dated for awhile now and we hit it off great. 

The thing is she has a guy friend. Ive met him. He's cool. But he drinks like crazy. My girl drinks some too. He is her friends ex and thats how they met. She says he is like a brother. He did try to get with her, but she says she told him no because she doesnt see him like that. He has came and hang out with us while ive visited and stayed because she didnt want him to drive drunk which i agree. But sometimes, she lets him come over while im not there and they drink and lets him stay the night and sleep on the sofa. She tells me this and i respect that and trust her. Her and him have went to the movies and she let me know.

But since im fixing to make a big commitment...im really uncomfortable seeing him stay there while im not there especially with drinking involved. I dont really trust him much cause i dont know him much and i sure dont trust alcohol.

Im trying to decide to tell her that it makes me uncomfortable now and it doesnt look good when another man stays there. I have no problems them being friends because ill be his friend too.

Any suggestions?


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Your instincts are spot on. That’s a ticking time bomb my friend. Marriage changes the game with opposite sex “friendships” and she will need to understand that. Be wary of a woman who says “he’s like a brother”. Especially when it’s her drinking buddy. And tell her the overnights will have to stop as well. That’s beyond red flag territory. You can be kind and gentle about it but if she marries you she needs to respect you. Requesting she stop these things seems extremely reasonable. 99.9999% of husbands will agree.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

stro said:


> Your instincts are spot on. That’s a ticking time bomb my friend. Marriage changes the game with opposite sex “friendships” and she will need to understand that. Be wary of a woman who says “he’s like a brother”. Especially when it’s her drinking buddy. And tell her the overnights will have to stop as well. That’s beyond red flag territory. You can be kind and gentle about it but if she marries you she needs to respect you. Requesting she stop these things seems extremely reasonable. 99.9999% of husbands will agree.


Thanks!
I was cool with it at first because i wanted her to trust me. 

She says our relationship has been the best one she has been in and she isnt going to ruin it.

I just dont want resentments from me or her. I feel like we can avoid situations. I still trust her, but people seeing it will think she is a *****. And when they talk about her theyre talking about me.

Im just trying to set boundaries for me and her. Ill do anything to protect her and the love i have for her.

I just felt it seemed like she would think i lied about trusting her, but i feel she will understand.


She said she could never do her friend like that by being with the guy. So she seems to not be hiding nothing.


I really have no friends of the opposite sex...really dont hang out with many people.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You keep saying you don't trust him and his drinking, so do you think he will rape her? I don't know what else your distrust in him could mean since anything other than rape would be consensual. But you say you do trust her, so what gives? 

You're like confusing your feelings because, except for rape, there's nothing he can do without her permission. So, since you don't trust him, you might as well not trust her either.

If you are uncomfortable with their relationship, then be uncomfortable with all of their relationship, and not just some of it. And, be uncomfortable with it because you are in a committed relationship with her. Don't make it sound like all this is okay with you while you are her boyfriend but won't be okay after engagement and marriage. You're her boyfriend. It's not okay at all.

I wouldn't be comfortable with any of it. The hanging out, staying over night, and going places together is okay for two people who are not in a committed relationship. But she has a boyfriend, so she shouldn't be doing those things with a guy unless it's a group of people. She's disrespecting you, and it sounds like you are afraid to expect her to respect you. You don't have to be afraid that you might not have the right because you do. You should let her know what you expect from her as your girlfriend and what you will not tolerated from her as her boyfriend. A good rule between two people who are committed to each other is not to maintain friendships with the opposite sex without the other person also in attendance. Ask her to agree to that and if she refuses, then you have to decide if you will tolerate her disrespect or not.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You keep saying you don't trust him and his drinking, so do you think he will rape her? I don't know what else your distrust in him could mean since anything other than rape would be consensual. But you say you do trust her, so what gives?
> 
> You're like confusing your feelings because, except for rape, there's nothing he can do without her permission. So, since you don't trust him, you might as well not trust her either.
> 
> ...


Well she has been my first real relationship.

And ive read and seen so many people say not to be selfish or a control freak. Let your significant other spend time with friends, etc. Thats what scared me. She is a social butterfly. 

So, thats why i was cautious and let things do as they did. But now, im making the biggest commitment of my life with her and i do not want nothing in the way. Im going to talk with her soon about our commitment and what we expect of each other.

I rather do this now than do it after we are married and she doesnt agree and it leads to issues.

We talk about things to each other so we are good with communication.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I just need to figure out how to put it to her. Im not going to be mad or have a loud tone


I was thinking along the lines of

"We are in a commited, faithful, loving relationship. We are fixing to make the biggest commitment in our life. You are my #1 priority. I just dont think it is right to have him staying here when I am not here. I have no problem with us hanging out all together, but you being a female and him being a male and someone sees yall together and not me there...it can cause issues. All I am asking is to end this hanging out with him unless we are in a group. I was cool with it at first, but Im just creating a boundary for the protection of our relationship and future marriag.".




I mean does that sound ok or what?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Manwithaplan said:


> Im going to talk with her soon about our commitment and what we expect of each other.
> 
> I rather do this now than do it after we are married and she doesnt agree and it leads to issues.


Yes, now is the time to do it. But there's nothing controlling about setting reasonable boundaries, and this is a very reasonable one. Everyone has to set boundaries for each other because not everything a person does and wants to do is okay, and she is being disrespectful.

What scares me is you mentioned you will do anything to keep the relationship because I don't how far you willing to go. What do you mean by that? If she refuses what you ask, will you continue the relationship with her?

Something you might have to understand is that you shouldn't be desperate, and those words sound desperate. If you're not willing to set boundaries, then you will tolerate anything out of desperation to hold on to her. Sometimes, you have to be willing to walk away in order to respect yourself and not tolerate the intolerable. The "we're just friends" claim has been used by many people as a way of soliciting their spouse or partner's permission to get away with doing whatever they want to do. A woman who is worth being with will be considerate of you and respectful of your reasonable wishes, and she wouldn't be saying "he's just a friend" about someone who sleeps in her house when you're not there. 

But if you're going to be desperate, then don't bring it up at all if you're not willing to meet her refusal with exiting the relationship. If you're not going to do anything about it, then why bother bringing it up? Setting boundaries means you lay out expectations and you decide what to do about your boundaries being crossed, what to do when your expectations are violated. Boundaries are an if/then proposition. If you are otherwise going to accept a person disrespecting you and crossing your boundaries, then that means you don't have any boundaries.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Yes, now is the time to do it. But there's nothing controlling about setting reasonable boundaries, and this is a very reasonable one. Everyone has to set boundaries for each other because not everything a person does and wants to do is okay, and she is being disrespectful.
> 
> What scares me is you mentioned you will do anything to keep the relationship because I don't how far you willing to go. What do you mean by that? If she refuses what you ask, will you continue the relationship with her?
> 
> ...


Im meaning, i wont abandon her right away. Ill let her figure it out. But I will leave if she cant tell me. It shouldnt take long because either she wants to be with me or not.

I know shes loves me. Her friends tell me. She tells me. She says im pretty lovey dovey or whatever and says she is sorry that she isnt. She says she is trying to improve. Her past relationships havent been the best. Our has been the best one. Ive done more for her than all her past relationships she says. 




Ill see her tomorrow and will have a final come to jesus talk with her.

Ill let her say what she expects of me and what i expect of her. Boundaries...guardrails...whatever it takes to protect or relationship.


I havent told her i wanted to talk with her because i want to talk face to face.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Yes, now is the time to do it. But there's nothing controlling about setting reasonable boundaries, and this is a very reasonable one. Everyone has to set boundaries for each other because not everything a person does and wants to do is okay, and she is being disrespectful.
> 
> What scares me is you mentioned you will do anything to keep the relationship because I don't how far you willing to go. What do you mean by that? If she refuses what you ask, will you continue the relationship with her?
> 
> ...



what would you exactly say to her if you were in my shoes about the guy friend?

Just trying to get an idea.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Manwithaplan said:


> I just need to figure out how to put it to her. Im not going to be mad or have a loud tone
> 
> I was thinking along the lines of
> 
> ...


You can say that if you want, but it sounds kind of wimpy to me. It's like you are giving her the choice to agree with your perspective or disagree because it's not her opinion. That's not setting a boundary because this isn't a question of what to cook for dinner. It's a matter of respect. You don't give a person the choice to respect you or to disprespect you if that's what they prefer to do. 

And don't bring up what it looks like to others because this isn't about appearances, it's about you and your girlfriend respecting each other. Make it about respect, as in "I feel disrespected when you do this. I would like you to stop and for us to agree that neither of us will maintain close friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. This is a boundary we should have in our relationship."

This article might help.

I will tell you also that women like and respect strong, decisive men. If you are afraid to establish expectations and tell her what you expect, she will sense your weakness and think of you as weak. Weak men get walked on, and that might have something to do with what she is doing right now and giving the "we're just friends" crap. You have to believe in yourself and believe in what you say to her. Be convicted or don't say anything.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Thanks..ill do that


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Dear Man, you have got to be kidding! Her friend sleeps over when you are gone, and they drink a lot. And you believe that they haven't had sex? Talk about gullible! 
He's a FWB. And he's not your friend.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your girlfriend is not marriage material as of this time in her life. She's a social butterfly with a drinking buddy who sleeps over. She lacks the maturity to sustain a committed relationship. You should let this relationship run its course and see where it lands, before giving a commitment to her. She is your first relationship. By the way, how old are you and your girlfriend?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

He goes, or you go.
It's really that simple.

And I agree with @Roselyn. Your gf has poor boundaries.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> Dear Man, you have got to be kidding! Her friend sleeps over when you are gone, and they drink a lot. And you believe that they haven't had sex? Talk about gullible!
> He's a FWB. And he's not your friend.



Well, I trust she hasnt. She hasnt kept him a secret.

But I want to stop anything that COULD happen.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> OP, your girlfriend is not marriage material as of this time in her life. She's a social butterfly with a drinking buddy who sleeps over. She lacks the maturity to sustain a committed relationship. You should let this relationship run its course and see where it lands, before giving a commitment to her. She is your first relationship. By the way, how old are you and your girlfriend?


She has two kids from a previous marriage. The guy was on drugs so she wanted to protect the kids.

Ive treat the kids great. She is older than me. Im in my 20s and she is in her 40s.

Her girlfriends also stay over too sometimes when drinking.

I trust that she hasnt done me wrong, but I do want to stop the guy friend before anything happens.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Dear Manwithabadplan,

Forgive me for this advice but someone needs to tell you: DON’T MARRY HER! You two are not compatible. I don’t need to know any more about you two than what you have revealed already.

1) The age difference is too much.
2) She is a social butterfly and can’t change that.
3) You are an introvert, and need more social experience and other relationships before making any sort of lifetime commitment.
4) She is looking for a safe harbor for her children. One that she will sail out from frequently to race with faster boats.
5) The red pill folks have a saying, alpha f**ks, beta bucks. You are the beta in this equation.
6) You trust in her is naive.

Forget about the drunk like a brother friend. Let him have her.

Break up. I am trying to save you from a lot of misery. You will find someone else who is a better match for you.

Good luck.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Manwithaplan said:


> Well she has been my first real relationship.


So are you in essence saying she was your first bone? My initial thoughts are this guy friend of hers is going to be like a booger. You wont be able to flick him or get rid of him. Can't shake him. You give me the impression of being too naïve to this special friendship she has. Please be careful....


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Edmund said:


> Dear Manwithabadplan,
> 
> Forgive me for this advice but someone needs to tell you: DON’T MARRY HER! You two are not compatible. I don’t need to know any more about you two than what you have revealed already.
> 
> ...


We do have things in common. She opens up to me she says more than she has with anyone including her friends and guy friend.

She says im an old soul in a young body.

She is trying to stop drinking.

Im going to tell her basically its me or im on the highway


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Um Excuse Me said:


> So are you in essence saying she was your first bone? My initial thoughts are this guy friend of hers is going to be like a booger. You wont be able to flick him or get rid of him. Can't shake him. You give me the impression of being too naïve to this special friendship she has. Please be careful....


Ive had sex before.

Ill tlk with her


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> We do have things in common. She opens up to me she says more than she has with anyone including her friends and guy friend.
> 
> She says im an old soul in a young body.
> 
> ...


Grow a set, tell him to **** off.

I never would've thought my BIL would've tried to crack onto my ex, well I was so wrong


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I believe she loves me I know she loves me. She took a break from me for a week cause she was going through some things. I got a little carried away and hollared at her son when he was pitching a fit. She is a great mother.
She told me she missed me and to come back. She said when i walked through the door she knew she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life.

we live couple hours away from each other I'll plan to move up there and she knows I'm making the sacrifice

I know she's lonely since I'm not there all the time but I'm going to stop this before it leads to something if it already hasn't
I feel that she hasn't done anything with him because how she lets me know and that her guy friend is her friends ex. They were about to get married but ended it for a reason.
she told me that she wouldnt hurt her friend by messing around with him or being with him because it isn't right and again she said the brother thing.

I give her the benefit of the doubt, but tomorrow will answer it all.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

You want some advice?

Don't marry this woman.

Don't
do
it.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, your initial inability to recognize that the relationship your partner has with her male friend is highly inappropriate is understandable. You are in your 20s and this is your first relationship. 

Her friendship with the guy is a red flag but the fact that your partner is in her 40s and is oblivious to this is the REAL RED FLAG here. 

I second the DO NOT MARRY HER advice, she is not ready and she is not serious. 

Yes she says all sorts of nice things about why she would never do anything with this guy. If you spend some time on this forum you will see example after example of spouses giving all sorts of reassurance of why they couldn't possibly cheat with this person or that person. Her stories aren't new.

Yes her response tomorrow will be very telling.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Hold up - she's *trying* to stop drinking? If she has to try - and has not been successful - then she has a problem; a problem that makes all the other problems pretty insignificant by comparison. 

This is a gigantic crimson flag and somehow you're looking at smaller, pinker ones instead.

Please, for the love of all that is good and right, do NOT marry her. In fact, don't just not marry - break up with her and move on. You have no idea what hell awaits you if you naively pursue this relationship.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Manwithaplan said:


> "We are in a commited, faithful, loving relationship. We are fixing to make the biggest commitment in our life. You are my #1 priority. I just dont think it is right to have him staying here when I am not here. I have no problem with us hanging out all together, but you being a female and him being a male and someone sees yall together and not me there...it can cause issues. All I am asking is to end this hanging out with him unless we are in a group. I was cool with it at first, but Im just creating a boundary for the protection of our relationship and future marriag.".
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I find this manipulative. Seriously, you knew about him yet you went out with her with the goal of breaking their friendship after she falls in love with you? 

You don’t need to trust him. It’s her who you have to trust or not.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I do not want to end friendships, but one on one of opposite sex hanging out is my issue


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Manwithaplan Say something like this: "It's clear that he is still into you. Damn! I really feel for him, what with him being so into you and you and me being such a loving couple. It must be like a knife in his heart every time he sees that. 

"For his sake, I think you should let him go so he can find a woman who loves him as much as you love me and as much as I love you."


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

So, I think Ive made my mind up.


Im seeing her tomorrow. I wont bring my clothes in. Ill walk in and tell her we need to talk.

Remind her I am asking her father for her hand in marriage this Saturday. And let her know I want to make healthy boundaries for the both of us. But one issue has to be resolved and 110% agreed upon.

I will get to the point with her. End the guy friend and her relationshipx because it is very unhealthy (he drinks a lot) and uncomfortable to me. There friendship relationship seems to be going overboard. The drinking and spending the night is no more. She ends the texting too. And end the friendship. 

Male and female friendships can lead to emotions.

If she tries to be defensive...then there is an attachment between them. She has no concern of our relationship and how I feel. I let it go on this long when most guys wouldnt. Marriage is a big commitment. Be committed to me as the male in your life..be committed to me as your best friend.

If she doesnt agree...im gone. Ive been good enough. I want both of us happy.


Sound good?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> My woman loves me and says she will marry me. I trust her, but not other people. Weve dated for awhile now and we hit it off great.
> 
> The thing is she has a guy friend. Ive met him. He's cool. But he drinks like crazy. My girl drinks some too. He is her friends ex and thats how they met. She says he is like a brother. *He did try to get with her*, but she says she told him no because she doesnt see him like that. He has came and hang out with us while ive visited and stayed because she didnt want him to drive drunk which i agree. But sometimes, she lets him come over while im not there and they drink and lets him stay the night and sleep on the sofa. She tells me this and i respect that and trust her. Her and him have went to the movies and she let me know.
> 
> ...


Thanks ALL you need to know right there my friend. That alone and the fact she still is around him or allows him to be around her. That is a dangerous combo and if nothing has happened to date, it's only a matter of time. The boundary has been crossed and it needs to be re-established and it needs to be zero contact with this low life.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Manwithaplan said:


> Well, I trust she hasnt. She hasnt kept him a secret.
> 
> But I want to stop anything that COULD happen.


How to stop something that could happen...the time is now to talk. The talk starts something like this..."What in your mind is a good marriage? What boundaries do you feel should be in a marriage?" Kind of a leading question but it gets it out on the table because you will need to answer the same questions as well. Start naming your boundaries.

You may find that your vision of a marriage is totally different than your GF. Sometimes figuring out as you go is not always the best course.

I'm thinking you will find your GF vision of marriage is not what you envision.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Thanks ALL you need to know right there my friend. That alone and the fact she still is around him or allows him to be around her. That is a dangerous combo and if nothing has happened to date, it's only a matter of time. The boundary has been crossed and it needs to be re-established and it needs to be zero contact with this low life.


I try to give people benefit of doubt, but people are hard to trust.

I didnt want to end their friendship at first because i didnt want her to think im a control freak. Im not...as you can tell.

But it seems their friendship is turning more into a relationship to me...she may not see it like that and i believe she isnt, but he can be different. He can be feeding her.

To me he is a bad influence especially if she wants to stop drinking.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> How to stop something that could happen...the time is now to talk.  The talk starts something like this..."What in your mind is a good marriage? What boundaries do you feel should be in a marriage?" Kind of a leading question but it gets it out on the table because you will need to answer the same questions as well. Start naming your boundaries.
> 
> You may find that your vision of a marriage is totally different than your GF. Sometimes figuring out as you go is not always the best course.
> 
> I'm thinking you will find your GF vision of marriage is not what you envision.


I may do that first. Ask her that. And when the time comes....i will get to the point about this guy. No beating around the bush.


I have no close friends that are girls and if there was...i wouldnt really have them around and will stop talking. The only woman in my life would be my girlfriend.

We can have friends..but hang out as couples. Period


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

She texted me and said she is going to pick him up and theyre going to her daughters ball game.

Shes on a call now and told her to let me know when she is done so i can call.

I was going to wait tomorrow to talk with her, but this has changed things

Im really about in tears truthfully..hard to say as a man.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

What you plan to say to her sounds good, but don't say "male" say "man in your life."

Of course I initially thought I was responding to your post on the basis of you and she being contemporaries. Although she is obviously more mature and experienced than you are, I didn't realize there was such an age difference. And that age difference explains a lot more things, the first of which is how she feeds you what she knows are common pickup lines. Or, in your case, they are the types of things people say in order to get the other person to, not only believe them, but to believe IN them. She says things that are not true but mentioning them makes them seem true and make you love her that much more, such as her professing she is more open with you than anyone else ever, and saying she's trying to stop drinking to make you feel she wants to turn her life upside down for you, and you're old soul to justify the age difference and make you feel like she is perfect for you and other girls are too young for you.

You have to stop listening to what she says. You really sound like a girl LOL. Leaning too heavily on everything her man says is something women are often guilty of doing. You have to adopt the "show me" motto about life and relationships. Expect her to prove what she says. They are just words if she can't back them up. So, if she really wants to stop drinking as her main pastime and making it such a big part of her pastime, then she will stop drinking. She even said her ex drank too much, but it seems pretty clear that her life involves too much drinking, and she didn't really mind his drinking. They were drinking together. It was THEIR way of life.

Obviously, there's nothing wrong with having a drink sometimes, but it looks like drinking is her one major reason for friendship (him and her female friends) and socializing. She doesn't seem a woman of very many dimensions or cultural pursuits. Her buddies are for the purpose of having someone to drink with. If she wanted to stop that, she would stop that. If she were trying to stop, then she wouldn't keep doing it. All she's doing is making you think she is entertaining the thought of stopping, but she is not trying to stop. The bottom line is drinking is too much a part of her life, and you should have a very big problem with that before taking such a leap as marriage. But my point is that you rely too heavily on the things she says, when what she says has no basis in fact and her actions prove otherwise. You just blindly believe her because she said it. You have to stop that. WANT to believe her, but keep an open mind and look for her to prove herself before accepting what she says is true. Adopt a "we'll see" and "show me" mentality.

Likewise is you believing nothing romantic has ever occurred between her and the friend. They guy spends the night at her house. You can't just take her word for it just because she said. But okay, you can't prove anything, so you might as well believe her, but know that it likely isn't true instead of believing it isn't true. Put a stop to it as you are planning to do, and don't tolerate her resistance or refusal.

Another thing is you need to slow your roll. You are in a little too deeply and with this being your first real relationship, you feel you are in love. You're too afraid to ruin that but you have to know that after you move in with her, you are going to discover a multitude of things about this woman and her life that you didn't know previously. One thing to look out for is that she will slow down on the drinking for the first while to fool you, but she'll slowly start it back up again. You are too ready to ask for her hand and propose to her, and you're going to regret that. I don't suggest you go back on your word, so go through with the proposal as promised, but delay the wedding for at least a year if not longer. Tell her you want you and her to get to know each other before taking the plunge, and don't let her talk you into plunging before April 2019. If she does try to pressure you - and be mindful that whining and professing her undying love and wanting to be your wife are pressure tactics - then you will know she has ulterior motives for rushing into marriage. You have too much to learn about relationships as it is, and this woman is well on her way to training you like fido because she has so far played you like a fiddle. You placed yourself in this position, but don't be a fool for her or any other woman. Be objective. Be discerning. And be smart. You have options. You don't have to be desperate.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MWP,

RUN NOW and don't look back or even TEXT her ever again, there is nothing to save here, she is too old for you, she is emotionally connected to drunks, she may have tons of debt you know nothing about, you are wasting your youth on her. 

Save yourself from a lifetime of pain.

Tamat


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll be honest with you, my antennae go way up when someone mentions a partner they feel drinks too much. Granted, I am going to be biased in my opinion based on the living hell I endured being married to an alcoholic. Yeah, the male buddy sleeping over is totally unacceptable. He's her drinking buddy. Could be even more than that when they both drink too much.

Let's say you get her to agree to get rid of the guy pal. It's the drinking. I married a guy who was the life of the party ... when he got enough booze in his system. But there is a very ugly downside to that habit. Don't marry someone whose social life revolves around getting buzzed, hanging out in bars, hanging out with other big boozers. It never ends well. Trust me. I know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a doormat will just get you walked on. 

Better wake up and see this is not what you need.


Walk away now if you're smart.

At your age you have no clue what you're setting yourself up for.

Train wreck!!!!!!!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> She texted me and said she is going to pick him up and theyre going to her daughters ball game.
> 
> Shes on a call now and told her to let me know when she is done so i can call.
> 
> ...


When I read the first post I was thinking "dump her"

Knowing the age difference and some other details, like the fact she considers you the safe marrying type while the other guy is the one she wants to ****, and probably has. He wanted/still wants her, she wants him around (friends ex?), where's her friend, is she ok with their friendship? Doesn't matter.

I've escalated my response to *"DUMP HER, NOW!"*


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

She said she wont comprimise her friendship with him. He is like a brother. She wont let him drive drunk. I respect that. Friends dont let friends drive drunk.

She has cut back drinking. She got mad at me cause of me wanting her to quit smoking. She knows i care. I told her how she addressed me in an angry tone upset me. She apologized.

Im not used to her guy friend staying. 

She did say long ago he tried something while they were drinking. And she tried something while she was drinking. But nothing happen. They didnt go. They stopped each other.


She says he sleeps on the coach and she goes to bed early in her bed. This is true when i am there.


She said she was going to invite another guy over who she had a previous relationship with several several.months ago. She said she told me. I think i remember it. she ended it with him cause she saw nothing in him. She told this guy friend we are talking about, abut inviting the guy. But he told her no because of disrespect of her and my relationship.

She did say im too passionate and sometimes its too much.

Im half wanting to just give up and half stay.

Im lost. Hurt. Angered.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> She said she wont comprimise her friendship with him. He is like a brother. She wont let him drive drunk. I respect that. Friends dont let friends drive drunk.
> 
> She has cut back drinking. She got mad at me cause of me wanting her to quit smoking. She knows i care. I told her how she addressed me in an angry tone upset me. She apologized.
> 
> ...


Dude, you're way too young for her. She's way too old for you. Don't believe all the bull **** she's been saying. You are too clingy. This is a learning experience for you. She's a drinker and smoker in her 40's? What is she going to look like in her 60's when you are in your 40's?

Plus, she chose him over you by not compromising their "friendship" 

Wake up man. Have a plan. Plan to dump her.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> Dude, you're way too young for her. She's way too old for you. Don't believe all the bull **** she's been saying. You are too clingy. This is a learning experience for you. She's a drinker and smoker in her 40's? What is she going to look like in her 60's when you are in your 40's?
> 
> Plus, she chose him over you by not compromising their "friendship"
> 
> Wake up man. Have a plan. Plan to dump her.


she is beautiful.
She says she still loves me and want us to work out.

But im close to throwing in the towel.

Ive been debating bout calling her dad and talk it over


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This woman problematically drinks. This woman smokes. This woman already has two kids. This woman brings huge issues with other men to the relationship. This woman is 20ish years older than you!!!;! Why would you sign up for this??

Break these ties and go find a cute twenty ish woman with no kids who doesn't smoke, drink, or have inappropriate relationships with other men!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Is this your first relationship?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Manwithaplan said:


> *She said she wont comprimise her friendship with him. He is like a brother. She wont let him drive drunk. I respect that. Friends dont let friends drive drunk.*
> 
> She has cut back drinking. She got mad at me cause of me wanting her to quit smoking. She knows i care. I told her how she addressed me in an angry tone upset me. She apologized.
> 
> ...


translation: our relationship is on my terms you don't count for much.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> she is beautiful.
> She says she still loves me and want us to work out.
> 
> But im close to throwing in the towel.
> ...


She wants to work it out, as long as it's on her terms. 

No need to call her dad. He can't help.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Years ago, a Marine who served under my command was 23 when he married a 45-year-old, twice divorced woman with two teenaged children (one 19) and a drinking habit. We ALL, and I mean EVERYONE, told him not to do it. She and her children moved into base quarters. We went on a 6-month deployment about a year after they were married, and when we returned she was not at the unit to meet him. He got a ride home and she refused to let him into the house. She was crazy drunk. The MPs were called, there was a big situation, and we ended up putting him in the barracks. Long story short: she was banging an ex when he was deployed and the OM was passed out drunk in this Marine's house when he got home. He was so damn p'whipped and blinded by this woman. It defied all logic. He forgave her and moved back into the house. We ultimately got her PNG'd (persona non-grata) from the base for having an unauthorized male guest who was not her husband in base quarters and a few other things (she assaulted him one night when she was drunk). It was clear that she married him for the paycheck and military benefits. He FINALLY left her.

This is nothing but a train wreck.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Being a doormat will just get you walked on.
> 
> Better wake up and see this is not what you need.
> 
> ...



This isn't a train wreck. This woman is an F5 tornado and guess who is in her path.

MWP, you had better seriously consider the repercussions of your actions. This woman has no regard for you, just what she can get out of you.

I'd say "danger Will Robinson" but you probably won't listen.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Okay, this story really bothers me on a lot of levels. Don't fritter your dignity away on a woman like her. You will regret this so much. She's already put her "friendship" with this guy ahead of anything she feels for you. Go no contact immediately and never have anything to do with her again. You're young, and trust me. You will look back years from now and go "what the Hell was I thinking?!?"


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Im going to be the man and go talk with her face to face tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be the final deal. We make an agreement and comprise things or else Im gone.

I feel better talking face to face


Thanks guys and gals 

Ill bring these things up.

I feel she wants us to work BUT she hasnt had someone like me. So she has got to decide.

She has tonight to give thought. Yeah, the guy will be there, but she knows what is going on between us. She can look at him or me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Manwithaplan said:


> Im going to be the man and go talk with her face to face tomorrow.
> 
> Tomorrow will be the final deal. We make an agreement and comprise things or else Im gone.
> 
> I feel better talking face to face


You should be running instead of talking.

See what everyone else is before its too late.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There is no compromise she is an alcoholic and a user and will not change, she is already cheating on you and you know it, so please no more contact of any kind.

If you had a son or daughter who was dating such a person you would do everything in your power to protect them and get them away from that person, please be as kind to yourself.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Im trusting her for now...though like yall say...the spending the night is overboard.

I got something of hers anyways..so i need to return it if we do end


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Livvie said:


> This woman problematically drinks. This woman smokes. This woman already has two kids. This woman brings huge issues with other men to the relationship. This woman is 20ish years older than you!!!;! Why would you sign up for this??
> 
> Break these ties and go find a cute twenty ish woman with *no kids who doesn't smoke, drink, or have *inappropriate relationships with other men!!


Wait, what?!? Is that your definition of a "marriageable" girl??

@OP, I have been in a situation like this with someone who kept me on the hook until the very last minute, while going out with someone else at the same time. He told me it was nothing serious but one day I found out that he had committed to her long time back.

I don't think she is the right one for you.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> Wait, what?!? Is that your definition of a "marriageable" girl??
> 
> @OP, I have been in a situation like this with someone who kept me on the hook until the very last minute, while going out with someone else at the same time. He told me it was nothing serious but one day I found out that he had committed to her long time back.
> 
> I don't think she is the right one for you.


I don't see anything wrong with this as I wouldn't marry a smoker who had poor boundaries with male friends and drank a lot. That certainly fits a big part of the definition of "marriageable girl" in my book.

ETA. I would still ghost her, complete no contact, and ship/mail whatever it is you have of hers. Save yourself the pain.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Cromer said:


> I don't see anything wrong with this as I wouldn't marry a smoker who had poor boundaries with male friends and drank a lot. That certainly fits a big part of the definition of "marriageable girl" in my book.
> 
> ETA. I would still ghost her, complete no contact, and ship/mail whatever it is you have of hers. Save yourself the pain.


I agree with what you said, but thats not what the original poster said. What he/she said was 'find a girl who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't have kids!' - thats a very different statement. Of course, someone who has a problem with either smoking, drinking or boundaries probably isn't ideal. But if she drinks/smokes occasionally and has kids from a previous marriage/relationship, I don't see how that is a judging criteria. Also, does this also apply to the man?


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Aburjwal said:


> I agree with what you said, but thats not what the original poster said. What he/she said was 'find a girl who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't have kids!' - thats a very different statement. Of course, someone who has a problem with either smoking, drinking or boundaries probably isn't ideal. But if she drinks/smokes occasionally and has kids from a previous marriage/relationship, I don't see how that is a judging criteria. Also, does this also apply to the man?


This is just for me, I'm not speaking for all men. BTW if I were in my 20's I wouldn't date/marry a woman with kids. Too much drama associated with it. I'm 53 and wouldn't date a woman with minor kids in the house. Same reason. Smoking is an absolute no date deal.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Its hard to find a clean girl...if you do...theyve been locked up by strict parents and more than likey will go crazy after they leave their parents becaue they havent experienced anything.


Like I said...im taking yalls advice. I dont give up easy, because if you love someone you dont give up that easy.

Im giving her one more chance to sit and think.

So, tomorrrow...i will talk with her about it. Maybe tonight she will think hard about what we have, her future, and the kids future.

Ill be the best husband she will ever have and a damn good stepfather, but i need boundaries to protect our relationship, future marriages, and my feelings. I would want the same for her. To protect her. Its not trust issues. Its avoiding the situation that could end the trust.

Tomorrow is do or die. Meet me in the middle and i will do the same for you is what i am telling her. 

I wont stop her being friends...but
If she cant at least stop him from staying over at night. Its over.

If she cant agree that our relationship is more important. Its over. 
Im going to let her know it hurts me she even says her friendship with him is more important when she even says im the best thing to happen to her. After ive treated her better than all the guys shes beeen with in her life

Like i will tell her....he will marry a girl one day. He is 30. When he does....his girl will 100% not let him come and stay there with my woman...even if the kids are there. I have a feeling he would be the same with his girlfriend/woman. 

He was recently dating, but the girl stopped talking. She was going through a divorce.

Life is short...i dont have time for bull****.

I know i am a good catch...she even agrees....its up to her to not lose me.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Manwithaplan said:


> Its hard to find a clean girl...if you do...theyve been locked up by strict parents and more than likey will go crazy after they leave their parents becaue they havent experienced anything.
> 
> 
> Like I said...im taking yalls advice. I dont give up easy, because if you love someone you dont give up that easy.
> ...


I don't mean to be unnecessarily harsh, but you need to see what you are saying. Choosing your life partner is the most important decision of your life. Would you want your future son making this decision under the same circumstances? Love should be not the only consideration in making a marriage decision. Character counts.

Of course, I was married for 30 years and my choice turned out to be a bad one. I hate to see you do it too. BTW, she already told you that she wouldn't compromise her friendship with OM. I'm not sure what else you have to discuss. She's chosen him over you.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

And how long we have date is over 7 months...yes...i know..short time. But we have hit it off so well. We knew each other through work. Everyone we work with is happy we are together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cromer said:


> Aburjwal said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with what you said, but thats not what the original poster said. What he/she said was 'find a girl who doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and doesn't have kids!' - thats a very different statement. Of course, someone who has a problem with either smoking, drinking or boundaries probably isn't ideal. But if she drinks/smokes occasionally and has kids from a previous marriage/relationship, I don't see how that is a judging criteria. Also, does this also apply to the man?
> ...


You two are talking about my post. This young man, the OP, is in his twenties. My son is in his twenties!! I would not wish for my son to marry a woman twenty years older than himself, whose drinking and smoking bothered him. Who was causing him great anxiety due to piss poor boundaries with other men.

My advice is still emphatically to date someone he might be more compatible with. Someone with values and life circumstances more like his own. 

And if the sexes tables were turned my advice would still be the same, if a young female were involved with a man 20 years older than herself, who smoked, had a drinking problem, horrible boundaries and entanglements with other women, and two kids. Go find a man more your own age who does not have habits that you don't like and has circumstances more like your own.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Cromer said:


> I don't mean to be unnecessarily harsh, but you need to see what you are saying. Choosing your life partner is the most important decision of your life. Would you want your future son making this decision under the same circumstances? Love should be not the only consideration in making a marriage decision. Character counts.
> 
> Of course, I was married for 30 years and my choice turned out to be a bad one. I hate to see you do it too. BTW, she already told you that she wouldn't compromise her friendship with OM. I'm not sure what else you have to discuss. She's chosen him over you.


Well i felt like its better to talk in person about it. I guess i caught her off guard with this and she said it rubbed her wrong.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

she said today she feels.better if we talked face to face.

Ill do it because i will look into her eyes and see how she acts. She will know i mean business.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Livvie said:


> You two are talking about my post. This young man, the OP, is in his twenties. My son is in his twenties!! I would not wish for my son to marry a woman twenty years older than himself, whose drinking and smoking bothered him. Who was causing him great anxiety due to piss poor boundaries with other men.
> 
> My advice is still emphatically to date someone he might be more compatible with. Someone with values and life circumstances more like his own.
> 
> And if the sexes tables were turned my advice would still be the same, if a young female were involved with a man 20 years older than herself, who smoked, had a drinking problem, horrible boundaries and entanglements with other women, and two kids. Go find a man more your own age who does not have habits that you don't like and has circumstances more like your own.


My son just turned 19. If he brought home a 39 yo woman with two kids, smoking habit, drinking a lot, and with a sleepover drinking f'k buddy I'd want to disown him. I get exactly what you're saying. Dads talk about having a shotgun for their daughters, but I have enough 12 gauge ammo to cover for my son as well! 0


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> Cromer said:
> 
> 
> > I don't see anything wrong with this as I wouldn't marry a smoker who had poor boundaries with male friends and drank a lot. That certainly fits a big part of the definition of "marriageable girl" in my book.
> ...


Smoking
Drinking
Children

All of these traits ABSOLUTELY judging criteria when choosing a partner and determining who might be a match.

Usually smokers and not smokers are not a good match.

Having the feeling that your partner drinks too much usually means, not a good match.

And lastly, come on....a young man in his twenties with no kids should think long and hard about the ramifications of marrying someone with two of them. He has no idea what he is getting into purely because he has limited life experience. .


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cromer said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > You two are talking about my post. This young man, the OP, is in his twenties. My son is in his twenties!! I would not wish for my son to marry a woman twenty years older than himself, whose drinking and smoking bothered him. Who was causing him great anxiety due to piss poor boundaries with other men.
> ...


Heck yes!


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Cromer said:


> My son just turned 19. If he brought home a 39 yo woman with two kids, smoking habit, drinking a lot, and with a sleepover drinking f'k buddy I'd want to disown him. I get exactly what you're saying. Dads talk about having a shotgun for their daughters, but I have enough 12 gauge ammo to cover for my son as well! 0


I have no father. So Im stuck with asking a few coworker friends who also know her and this forum.

My coworker friends know she is cool. Everyone likes her. But they dont agree with the guy friend being around and staying.

They think she is being naive and the guy friend is waiting for the right moment.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> I have no father. So Im stuck with asking a few coworker friends who also know her and this forum.
> 
> My coworker friends know she is cool. Everyone likes her. But they dont agree with the guy friend being around and staying.
> 
> *They think she is being naive *and the guy friend is waiting for the right moment.


They're kind of right. They both wait for the right moment, whenever he stays over and you are not there. 

You are the naive one. 

Sorry to be blunt, but you are not getting it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You are focusing on the wrong things. It doesn't matter what this guy is up to. It matters that the woman you are involved with has poor boundaries and has these kinds of entanglements with other men.

This will never get better even if you solve the problem of this one man. The problem is her mindset.

She does not sound like marriage material.

It also sounds like you two don't live in the same place.

You do not know her well enough to commit to her for life.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> They're kind of right. They both wait for the right moment, whenever he stays over and you are not there.
> 
> You are the naive one.
> 
> Sorry to be blunt, but you are not getting it.




Im doing my best to have trust. So when people ask why we broke up...it wont be my fault. I was the one faithful. I was the one giving the benefit of the doubt. She was the one who didnt take our relationship and comittment serious. All i was doing was protecting our relationship.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Manwithaplan said:


> I have no father. So Im stuck with asking a few coworker friends who also know her and this forum.
> 
> My coworker friends know she is cool. Everyone likes her. But they dont agree with the guy friend being around and staying.
> 
> ...


I won't go through my family situation again here, but I understand the no father situation. It's good that you came here looking for advice. For me, I've spent an entire career predominately leading young adults, then several years teaching young adults. I've seen so many bad decisions, but have also helped many to avoid bad decisions. It pains me to see you in this situation, but you need to get this toxic woman out of your life. There is no foundation for a life together here.

I started dating my GF over four months ago. We are in the hormonal stage and it is awesome. We can't stand to be apart. She is practically living at my house. We do almost everything together. I can't wait to see her. She texts me all day, sends pictures of what's she's doing, and we make plans constantly. She has no interest in having another man around, and I have no interest in having another woman around. My heart tells me she's perfect, even though my mind tells me she's not. Her attention is focused on me, and mine on hers. Is this where you are at with your woman?

You are in this for what, seven months? If what you have with her was genuine, she would be where my GF is with me right now. I can't say if GF and I will last, but for now, we are enjoying the moment. Remember, your GF has been around the block many times with many men. She's probably a hard-bitten relationship warrior. You, my young friend, are not.

I don't know what else to say. If you don't get out tomorrow, then you are only prolonging the inevitable. Pain is coming, just don't make it worse than it needs to be.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You are focusing on the wrong things. It doesn't matter what this guy is up to. It matters that the woman you are involved with has poor boundaries and has these kinds of entanglements with other men.
> 
> This will never get better even if you solve the problem of this one man. The problem is her mindset.
> 
> ...


Thats why I am talking with her one last time....face to face.

I dont want to end friendships. She does love all her friends. But our relationship is priority AND is the most important one to save....if she truly loves me.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Cromer said:


> I won't go through my family situation again here, but I understand the no father situation. It's good that you came here looking for advice. For me, I've spent an entire career predominately leading young adults, then several years teaching young adults. I've seen so many bad decisions, but have also helped many to avoid bad decisions. It pains me to see you in this situation, but you need to get this toxic woman out of your life. There is no foundation for a life together here.
> 
> I started dating my GF over four months ago. We are in the hormonal stage and it is awesome. We can't stand to be apart. She is practically living at my house. We do almost everything together. I can't wait to see her. She texts me all day, sends pictures of what's she's doing, and we make plans constantly. She has no interest in having another man around, and I have no interest in having another woman around. My heart tells me she's perfect, even though my mind tells me she's not. Her attention is focused on me, and mine on hers. Is this where you are at with your woman?
> 
> ...


I truly do love her and the kids. 

Well, Im going to solve it tomorrow....if she doesnt stop him from staying the night. Im done.

If she says her frendship is worth more than what we have..im done.


Ill tell her bye and that my love for her is genuine, but hers isnt for me. It was fun while it lasted and she really needs to solve her issues for her and her kids sake.



Does that sound good?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Manwithaplan said:


> I truly do love her and the kids.
> 
> Well, Im going to solve it tomorrow....if she doesnt stop him from staying the night. Im done.
> 
> ...


At least you will know where you stand with her....if you loves you then she will put you first and will limit his place in her life and if not then she placed him above you and you are right to walk away. Good Luck, i truly hope she values you more than him.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Manwithaplan said:


> I truly do love her and the kids.
> 
> Well, Im going to solve it tomorrow....if she doesnt stop him from staying the night. Im done.
> 
> ...


You want to be friends. Basically, you are asking to become a friend-zoned orbiter. No. Just get her out of your life and move on!

I know how hard it is to walk away. It took years for me to walk away from a toxic situation. But you don't need this "friend." If you really need to see her face-to-face, it should be something like this: "We want different things in our lives, we're not suited to be together, here's your shat, goodbye."

Believe me when I tell you that a 40-something relationship warrior with kids and lots of younger male orbiters isn't going to listen to any life advice you have. Trust me. She's not and doesn't care. She's made it clear that she's going to do what she's going to do. Period.

Frankly, I'd be surprised if she didn't break up with you tomorrow. I called it first.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Cromer said:


> You want to be friends. Basically, you are asking to become a friend-zoned orbiter. No. Just get her out of your life and move on!
> 
> I know how hard it is to walk away. It took years for me to walk away from a toxic situation. But you don't need this "friend." If you really need to see her face-to-face, it should be something like this: "We want different things in our lives, we're not suited to be together, here's your shat, goodbye."
> 
> ...


Well, im trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Her friends tell me she loves me. But her friends probably dont know this much though one girl comes around and hang out with both of them. She seems to say my woman loves me.

Im really hoping she is thinking tonight.

Its me or him.

Him: Drinks beer, just got laid off, trying to make a business (i applaud him), drinks lots of beer, talks about girls asses a lot and how he screwed several, tat'd up (her parents dont like tats)

Me: ive supposedly done more for her in 7 months than what any guy has done for her, i spend time with her and the kids, i get the kids and her stuff, i love her so much that she tells me im really too passionate but "she is trying to get used to it", her parents like me, i dont drink or smoke, i have a good job, i visit her more than she does me (due to kids schedule with softball) because she is all i think about and want to be with.

I did pay some of her debts off, but she paid me back
I gave her kids a great christmas. We travel as a family and went to the mountains.




I did so damn much for her because I love her and the kids and want her and the kids happy.

Her ex husband thanked me for being good to the kids awhile back



I mean ****...i gave my life to her.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Go talk to her. Go now, but don’t let her know your coming early. But be prepared!


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Manwithaplan said:


> Im going to let her know it hurts me she even says her friendship with him is more important when she even says im the best thing to happen to her.


MWP, you have never had a relationship and your first one is with a 40 year old woman. Honey, you're not ready for this. You say sooooo much that let me know you are not ready for this. You don't know the nuances that are involved because you've never experienced them in order to know how to navigate and finesse them. And so much you have stated makes me feel like you are talking about a mother figure, in that you view her as someone you have to make pleas to as if asking mom for permission or approval. You have said so many things along those lines, and this one is another example. I stated before that you sound like a girl, and here you're talking about telling her that "it hurts me." Guy, if a man said that to me, even when I was your age, I would have to let him go because those words would drain every ounce of respect I had for him. I asked you before to keep this about respect, specifically her disrespecting you.

Also, you are so in love - whipped in other words - that you're not listening. You're not listening to her and you're not listening to us. Think about what she said to you. That her friendship is more important? She TOLD you her friendship with this guy is more important than you? Really??? And all you can think about is telling her how hurt you are? You were supposed to tell her goodbye right then and there. This is what I was saying before about boundaries. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to tolerate. A woman telling you that her friendship with some other guy is more important than you is not to be tolerated. You're not supposed to let those words fly over your head. You're supposed to get the message from her words - her friendship is more important than you. Period.



Manwithaplan said:


> After ive treated her better than all the guys shes beeen with in her life


Telling you that was just feeding you another one of her fantastic lines. Again, you have to stop listening to all the sweet nothings that she says and pay attention to what she does. You have to expect her to prove the things she says. In other words, she told you in one breath that you've treated her better than all the guys she's been with, and in another breath she told you her friendship is more important than you. Are you getting it yet?



Manwithaplan said:


> If she cant agree that our relationship is more important. Its over.


You're to get stronger and more determined, but what are you going to do when she begs you to stay? Will you be so strong then? When she defies you and then tells you how much she loves you, will you have the self respect to turn around and walk out the door?



Manwithaplan said:


> she is beautiful.


Don't get caught up in people talking about this kind of superficial stuff. Make this about her disrespect and your boundaries and that is all.



Manwithaplan said:


> She says she still loves me and want us to work out.


She only wants that on her terms. Nevermind what you think. Nevermind that you don't appreciate her disrespecting you. Her friendship is more important, remember?

On another note, I'm wondering if you ever thought about having kids. Do you not want children? Have you and she talked about that?

On yet a different note, I think boundaries and standards go hand in hand. Some people mentioned not wanting to be with someone who smokes. You have asked her to stop smoking, but that is too much to ask. So, if you have the standard of not wanting to be with someone who smokes, then you don't start dating someone who smokes and expect to make them stop. The same thing with her drinking. If you don't want to be with an alcoholic, then you don't hook up with an alcoholic and then expect her to change just because you don't want to be with an alcoholic. That is senseless, it's wrong, and it's too controlling. You have a legitimate beef with her about having her guy friend spend the night because that is disrespectful to you and dishonors your relationship. But the other stuff is who she is. You are wrong to decide to be with her and then complain about the person that she is. You are supposed to scurtinize the person that she is and decide she's not the woman for you if she has all these habits and lifestyle that you don't agree with. That is what being discerning that I mentioned before is all about.

So, you're in your early 20s and don't want to date girls closer to your own age because they lived a sheltered life and will run wild when they get freedom. I don't know why you made this up in your head because it isn't something that applies to all young women in their 20s. Maybe it happened to 1 or 2 that you heard about, but it certainly doesn't apply to very many. Plus, consider that you found an older woman outside of your state. So, if you think that about all the girls in your area, you can't consider young women out of your area? She doesn't have to be younger than you or your age. She could be 27 or 28 - someone long ago released from her sheltered life and past the wild child stage. Stop filling your own head with nonsense, and stop being so whipped by this woman that is not good for you for entirely different reasons than going wild with freedom. She's wild and unscrupulous and a smoking alcoholic at 40-something.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

StarFires said:


> MWP, you have never had a relationship and your first one is with a 40 year old woman. Honey, you're not ready for this. You say sooooo much that let me know you are not ready for this. You don't know the nuances that are involved because you've never experienced them in order to know how to navigate and finesse them. And so much you have stated makes me feel like you are talking about a mother figure, in that you view her as someone you have to make pleas to as if asking mom for permission or approval. You have said so many things along those lines, and this one is another example. I stated before that you sound like a girl, and here you're talking about telling her that "it hurts me." Guy, if a man said that to me, even when I was your age, I would have to let him go because those words would drain every ounce of respect I had for him. I asked you before to keep this about respect, specifically her disrespecting you.
> 
> Also, you are so in love - whipped in other words - that you're not listening. You're not listening to her and you're not listening to us. Think about what she said to you. That her friendship is more important? She TOLD you her friendship with this guy is more important than you? Really??? And all you can think about is telling her how hurt you are? You were supposed to tell her goodbye right then and there. This is what I was saying before about boundaries. You have to decide what you are and are not willing to tolerate. A woman telling you that her friendship with some other guy is more important than you is not to be tolerated. You're not supposed to let those words fly over your head. You're supposed to get the message from her words - her friendship is more important than you. Period.
> 
> ...


She told me she wanted a child with me possibly...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Whatever she tells you means nothing if her actions don't back it up. You will not win with this one. Your face to face talk is setting you up to cave in and fold to whatever she says to you. She may say she chooses you, but she'll keep having him over and just hide it better from you. She already told you he tried something with her and *her with him*. If they were both willing at some point, they never stopped ****, you can bank on it. Do yourself the biggest favor you could ever do and just leave no matter what she tells you, otherwise you are just going to be on a merry go round with this one.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I just feel not settling this face to face is not good...

She doesnt change...i can easily leave.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Whatever she tells you means nothing if her actions don't back it up. *You will not win with this one. Your face to face talk is setting you up to cave in and fold to whatever she says to you.* She may say she chooses you, but she'll keep having him over and just hide it better from you. She already told you he tried something with her and *her with him*. If they were both willing at some point, they never stopped ****, you can bank on it. Do yourself the biggest favor you could ever do and just leave no matter what she tells you, otherwise you are just going to be on a merry go round with this one.


YASSSSS!!! This exactly.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Ill let yall know how it goes.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Dude? Duuuuuuude. Dude!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Manwithaplan said:


> I mean ****...i gave my life to her.


Erm... I thought you said you've dated for 7 months. That's not your life.

You'll be fine. You're just emotionally hurting and you seem new at relationships.

She is NOT marriage material.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Man, 

here is my fear for you and i am speaking to you as a father of several kids in their 20's...you may win the battle but lose the war...for several reasons:

you are marrying a woman much much older than you, you may be sharp and well read, you might even be older than your years but you will never have the experiences she has had and that is a huge difference. she is set in her ways, because of the kids, because of her first marriage, because of her life experiences...and that will impact greatly when you begin a life together. the kids may be great to you now but understand that you are the stranger, you will always be the guy who married their mom and whatever crap comes between you and them years from now you will always lose. and let's say she wants you over him (her friend) time will come when she will resent you for making her pick and once you get married he will come back in your lives, and if not him then someone else...sorry Man but if you were my son i would tell you to move on, there is way to much baggage and red flags here and you will learn to regret it....and she may talk about having a kid but i am here to tell you that will probably never materialize. BTW you should not have to ask her to pick this is not a Fing contest....the fact he stays there after you two are exclusive tells me she has poor judgement of character. Walk away and spear yourself future grief.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Smoking
> Drinking
> Children
> 
> ...


Well I guess we will just have to agree to disagree then, because that's not how I see it. As I mentioned before, yes, if drinking and smoking are a problem - meaning the person has no control over these habits and has a hard time getting through the day without them, then yes it is something to consider before making a long term commitment. However if thats not the case and one still rejects a person simply because they drink and smoke occasionally, then he/she is simply being judgmental and nothing more.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

So, how'd your "talk" go?


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Im at the highway. One goes her way and one goes back home.

Guy i work with says she told you already over the phone. I shouldnt go. Dont answer her. Mail back her house key and dragon fly i was sanding. And if i do go...dont talk to him about it no more.


I also work with her.


She lives 2 hours from me. 


Im caught up with what my coworker friend said and then one side of me wants to face her and talk. 



Im so lost right now.

I do really love her but i dont want to be used.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Manwithaplan said:


> Im at the highway. One goes her way and one goes back home.
> 
> Guy i work with says she told you already over the phone. I shouldnt go. Dont answer her. Mail back her house key and dragon fly i was sanding. And if i do go...dont talk to him about it no more.
> 
> ...


 Listen to your co-worker as well as almost everyone here. She already told you her plan. If she tells you something different to your face which are you supposed to believe. I think you know the answer to that. She's already told you the truth about dumping him as her orbiter/friend. If you aren't familiar with what an orbiter is , it's the guy who plays best friend to a woman ( I guess the gender roles could be reversed,but you seldom see that) so he can take advantage of a weak moment to get in her pants. That's what her friend is, and she's told you she won't give him up. So how long do you think it will be until that "weak" moment? My guess is it has already passed.
Take the unanimous advice you are getting and cut the cord.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Aburjwal said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Smoking
> ...


I just couldn't let this go without responding! Ha you called me judgmental. It's not judgmental. Judgmental is expressing an extremely critical point of view, and you calling me that was meant to be a negative name calling by you.

Some people don't want to date a smoker, period. We're taking deal breaker territory here. Some people don't want to date someone who looks like they have a problem with alcohol. Again, for many, deal breaker territory. This isn't bad, evil, mean, or wrong. It's being SMART to know what you want to tolerate in a partner, or NOT.

I personally don't want to date someone with syphilis. You gonna call me judgmental for that, too?

Rein in your name calling please.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I just couldn't let this go without responding! Ha you called me judgmental. It's not judgmental. Judgmental is expressing an extremely critical point of view, and you calling me that was meant to be a negative name calling by you.
> 
> Some people don't want to date a smoker, period. We're taking deal breaker territory here. Some people don't want to date someone who looks like they have a problem with alcohol. Again, for many, deal breaker territory. This isn't bad, evil, mean, or wrong. It's being SMART to know what you want to tolerate in a partner, or NOT.
> 
> ...



People make judgements all the time in regards as to what is best for them. Yes it is being judgemental.

I'll gladly were that label.

Became I give zero ****s!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MODERATOR MESSAGE:-

Please folks, go easy on the threadjacks and the insults.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*I realize that this is your first relationship...*



Manwithaplan said:


> I just need to figure out how to put it to her. Im not going to be mad or have a loud tone
> 
> I was thinking along the lines of
> 
> ...


I realize that this is your first relationship...But brother don't say it like that, ever. You know why, because it is week. 

What you are doing with this line of discussion is sort of apologizing for setting completely reasonable boundaries, FOR YOU. You don't set boundaries for her you set boundaries for what YOU will accept in a relationship, she can adhere to them or not. 

First off, you should not have allowed this situation to continue after the first time that it happened. That is weak behavior. 

Setting boundaries that are acceptable for you, and really for a committed relationship, is the very least that you do. You are not being controlling or whatever, you are being a healthy young man that knows his worth as a man. 

You do not ever allow obiters around your girl, it looks bad, often times things happen, and it is just not a good policy in general. 

What you say to her is, "Your relationship with Joe Blow is inappropriate and it needs to stop. I need to know if you have a problem with that?" If she does, you simply say, OK we are done, have a good life. 

And yes it is that simple. In every relationship, you have to be ready to walk away if something is going on that you disapprove of. If she will not comply then you know what is important to her and it is not you...


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Manwithaplan said:


> My woman loves me and says she will marry me. I trust her, but not other people. Weve dated for awhile now and we hit it off great.
> 
> The thing is she has a guy friend. Ive met him. He's cool. But he drinks like crazy. My girl drinks some too. He is her friends ex and thats how they met. She says he is like a brother. He did try to get with her, but she says she told him no because she doesnt see him like that. He has came and hang out with us while ive visited and stayed because she didnt want him to drive drunk which i agree. But sometimes, she lets him come over while im not there and they drink and lets him stay the night and sleep on the sofa. She tells me this and i respect that and trust her. Her and him have went to the movies and she let me know.
> 
> ...


Assuming you haven't told her how bothered you are by all of this and assuming she doesn't know it how bothered you are (which I doubt), then you have to set your boundaries. Let her know that you don't want him around too much, especially when you are not present.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I think you should consider the drinking issue to be a huge red flag in this relationship. This friend of hers is her enabler. They drink together; it's common for alcoholics to find someone to drink with. She probably won't let him go as a friend because he plays an important part in her life. I'd guess that if she were to stop drinking with him, he'd go find someone else to drink with. She has other girlfriends that drink with her too. This is huge. Don't ignore this. 

Also, if she's in her 40's then the chances of her being able to have a child are slim. Especially, if she's drinking & smoking a lot.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I didnt listen. I did go to her house for the weekend. I wanted to spend time with the kids and her for Easter. I wanted to give it one more try....for her AND the kids.

I did talk with her some, but not much since she wasnt feeling good. I told her I didnt want to rub her wrong. Its just how I felt. She said she just didnt like the word comprimise because she was always the one comprising in the relationship. She has been married two times. She rushed it in the first marriage and forced it on the second marriage. They made her give up her friends. She said she just didnt want to rush with us and take it day by day. I said thats fine.


She apologized for snapping at me. 


We did kiss and we did hug. 

My truck messed up on the interstate with all of us in it. Vehicles flying by. I was worried about the kids and her. She said she was worried about me.

I did ruin her sleep for most of the weekend because of my snoring...so I slept in the other bedroom. I got a Doctors appointment to hopefully solve thst. So she wasnt happy since she wasnt rested. Thats why she was very grumpy. That was my fault. She said what I said about the comprimising wasnt why she felt upset..wasnt the only thing..she just didnt feel good she said.

We did go to her parents for Easter. I was going to get engaged with her, but told her father we werent ready yet.

We hid eggs for the kids. And then we went to church.

I let her lay in bed most of the day sunday to catch up on rest while I watched the kids and played with them.

I was wanting to talk to her some more, but she was tired and feeling under the weather. I kissed her and she kissed me and told me to be careful and let her know I made it home. I left.

Later that night, I decided to text her about what I wanted to talk about:

-I told her I want and need this relationship and that I know she did to.

-I didnt want her to think/feel that I put words in her mouth and get the wrong idea about anything

-Told her I dont want to be jealous and question things. But Im a human and a male at that. So we all somethings think of what if. I know she has dealted with jealousness and making her give up things. I told her ill sacrifice as much as she would.

- I then apologized for it seeming like I was rushing. Everything was going great until this incident of me telling her about i was uncomfortable with the guy staying over.

-I told her I will give her space...she has done this before. I gave her space. She then wanted me to come the next weekend. Thats when she said she knew she wanted to be with me for the rest of her life.

She texted back and said I wasnt speaking for her; im assuming she was responding to how I told her I didnt want to speak for her. And she said that the good outweighs the negative (i guess she was meaning with me). She said she does loves me. But wants to take it slow.

I then texted back and told her i understood. But she needs to communicate a little better. I told her Iknow I open up to her a lot and it sounds womanish; but ****..i do love this woman and the kids. I told her then that she knows ive been single for awhile and havent really had a relationship. I just observed other people and their relationships and how people used each other. Thats why i got scared of being in a relationship. But she has opened me up more than any other woman. Then I said..i just cant help speaking how I feel about things.

She didnt reply back. I told her good night about an hour later and hope she feels better. 


Monday, I didnt text her good morning like i usually did. She didnt text me. I finally texted her videos of the kids searching for easter eggs. We did text some..not a lot. She said she was probably going to stay home this weekend. The kids would be at their dads. She had stuff to do. I said thats fine. I got things to do here.

Later that night we texted good night and that we love each other.

Tuesday, I did text her good morning. We texted some. Not a lot. I asked her did she expect for me to come this weekend. She said she was looking forward to spending the weekend alone. I said thats fine. Didnt know what she expected. We texted again some..not much. She texted back later that night apologizing for not texting me back. She fell asleep. I said thats ok. We did a few texts and she didnt reply. So i told her good night.

Wednesday, she texted me first and said sorry..she fell asleep. I said its ok. No worries. We text some. She said she hasnt felt good since the weekend. Her head feels stuffed up. I told her i hope she gets better and let me know she needs anything. She said she had crazy dreams, one about her ex. I didnt question it much. Its a dream after all. She said she hoped i had a great day and she loves me. We texted some but not a lot. I wished her good night. She didnt reply.

Thursday, she texted first and said she felt awful. We didnt text much. I gave her space and let her rest. She stayed home.

Friday, i texted her first and said i hope she felt better. She said she wasnt feeling good still, but stayed home and worked from home. I gave her space most of the day. We texted later. Kids were gone to their dads. I joked with her some. She said she was going to lay down and watch a movie. She didnt feel good. We texted a few times and i told her i let her go and watch the movie. She said thanks,goodnight, and she loved me.

Saturday, i didnt text her. She texted me around 12 asking how my day was going. I told her and asked her about hers. She was still not feeling too good. Said she had a few errand to run. Told her to have a good day and i loved her. She said she loved me. I texted her later on in the evening hoping her day has been good. She said she is tired and had been cleaning. We kidded around with each other. Did some sexual jokes with each other. I sent a last sexual joke statement to her. She didnt reply. 

Waited a few hours...no reply..it was getting late and i texted her good night and that i loved her.


Today, i havent texted her. She hasnt texted me.

Ive been on facebook just looking around. She did log on messenger around the same time as her guy friend...i dont want to think negative and that she had him over again. I dont want to be clingy or needy. 

I guess it still eats at me some about him staying over. 

I do not want to make assumptions. I love her and the kids.

Thats why i hate to end this relationship. Im not just breaking up with her...im breaking up with those kids too.

I want us to be together with all my heart, but I want respect too.


I dont know whether to text her or just wait for her and give her space.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

I forgot to say...her daughter gave me a card at my girlfriends pArents. It basically said i mean alot to her.

She gave it to me in front of her mom and we both read it.

I want to believe and know my girlfriend sees all I want is a good relationship for her and the kids. I believe she does.

Especially when one of her exs said thanks to me for being good to his son in front of her.

I cant believe she will do me wrong after all of this.

If she does...ill lose a lot of faith in humans that I already have lost.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are acting like a lovesick puppy that will tolerate any amount of **** just to have a girlfriend. 

This relationship will be over in two weeks, based on your description of the texting stuff.

You’re hanging on every word, she doesn’t care to talk, doesn’t care to see you. Unless she has some weird chronic illness, she’s not feeling poorly that long.

Your extremely weak behavior has turned her off. 

You need to break up with this woman and find one that likes you and who is not an alcoholic and cheat.

If she’s having another man over.......
Clearly she values his company over yours.
Stop being a chump and dump her. It’s coming regardless.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Man, ARE YOU F..... G SERIOUS? Really? You are joking right? Cant you realy see that she is playing you like a fool??? Two marriages already? They didnt want her to have friends? Male friends I guess. She wants to take it slow?? I can bet my life that her "friend" was with her all weekend. They are sleeping together 100%. What the hell are you doing??? Go find some young girl who will love you and forget about this old who. E. Are you mad boy??? Do you see what are you doing??? I cant believe that this is truth. Please listen to the people here. Do you realy think that we are all wrong??? Why do you think that all of us are saying the same thing to you, to cut all contact with her? Are you realy that blind???


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Manwithaplan said:


> I forgot to say...her daughter gave me a card at my girlfriends pArents. It basically said i mean alot to her.
> 
> She gave it to me in front of her mom and we both read it.
> *
> ...


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Well, she just texted me. Asking how my day is going. Ill see if she brings him up.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Well, I try to have faith in people..

I know I can find another girl. But i love this woman and hate to end things on assumptions. I dont know if she had him over. I was hoping maybe she thought about it and has told him no more.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Dude, you are sooooo screwed in the head. And I mean that as kindly as it can be interpreted. This messed up "relationship" has absolutely NO, I mean ZERO chance of success. If you think you are hurting now JUST WAIT until later when you become more financially and emotionally involved. You will then know what REAL PAIN is like. If you think for one minute you know more than the people here who are trying to talk some sense into you......you are delusional. You need to grow up, get some more dating experience and grow a pair and develop a sense of self esteem.....As of right now, you have NONE. You are not acting like a man, and you have no plan. You have been warned!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Manwithaplan said:


> Well, I try to have faith in people..
> 
> I know I can find another girl. But i love this woman and hate to end things on assumptions. I dont know if she had him over. *I was hoping maybe she thought about it and has told him no more.[/QUOT*E]
> 
> ...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry Man but i have to say and let's be honest here you are seriously invested in this woman, her kids and even her family....and she is mildly invested at best....you realize your the chick in this relationship...pining for her like a freaking puppy dog...i hate to say it but you are in for a rude awaking...and it is not going to be good....because even if she finally caves in and wants you you will be *****wiped beyond measure...i am going to tell you right now...ghost her for a while...time to step away from this....basically i would tell her that you seem more invested than her and this is not a good position to be in.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am sorry Man but i have to say and let's be honest here you are seriously invested in this woman, her kids and even her family....and she is mildly invested at best....you realize your the chick in this relationship...pining for her like a freaking puppy dog...i hate to say it but you are in for a rude awaking...and it is not going to be good....because even if she finally caves in and wants you you will be *****wiped beyond measure...i am going to tell you right now...ghost her for a while...time to step away from this....basically i would tell her that you seem more invested than her and this is not a good position to be in.


Should i text her orr call? She lives 2 hrs from me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Manwithaplan said:


> Should i text her orr call? She lives 2 hrs from me.


personally i would go silent for a bit, neither......here is a thought...don't respond to any text or messages...if you really want to know if he was there this past weekend, i would go silent and see if after a while she coughs it up on her own.

But either way my point si that you back off and when confronted by her i would say that since she wants to take ti slow your backing off a bit


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Manwithaplan said:


> My woman loves me and says she will marry me. I trust her, but not other people. Weve dated for awhile now and we hit it off great.
> 
> The thing is she has a guy friend. Ive met him. He's cool. But he drinks like crazy. My girl drinks some too. He is her friends ex and thats how they met. She says he is like a brother. He did try to get with her, but she says she told him no because she doesnt see him like that. He has came and hang out with us while ive visited and stayed because she didnt want him to drive drunk which i agree. But sometimes, she lets him come over while im not there and they drink and lets him stay the night and sleep on the sofa. She tells me this and i respect that and trust her. Her and him have went to the movies and she let me know.
> 
> ...


*Late to the party here, but her friend might be like a "brother" right now, but at some future point in time, when he's there alone over there with her and in a state of imbibing, he may well end up acting like an undesirable "mother!"

My advice is to have a "heart to heart" with your fiancé and establish firm ground rules that he's no longer welcome there, unless of course, you're there, and then only with your implicit blessings!

I think that if presented that way, she will more than understand! *


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> personally i would go silent for a bit, neither......here is a thought...don't respond to any text or messages...if you really want to know if he was there this past weekend, i would go silent and see if after a while she coughs it up on her own.
> 
> But either way my point si that you back off and when confronted by her i would say that since she wants to take ti slow your backing off a bit



I understand.

I know many will say Im stupid for still holding on, but Im not desperate and she even said that. She said several months back that she knew I wasnt desperate even for sex. Because why travel 2 hours just to get some when I could easily get someone local?

I do love her and I know she loves me....she just seems to take me for granted in ways. 

Yeah, i may rushed it on to quick for her, but she seemed fine with it...she was very loving...then like I said..we had the conversation about comprimising and that guy friend staying......everything changed. Its like we stepped back to 1 month of dating.

I just texted her after I didnt hear from no one about doing it. I asked her if I could call. She said she was pms'ing wasnt in the mood to talk.


I said well, I was wanting to talk you about somethings that have been on my mind lately. But ok, just whenever you feel like talking...you know how to get in touch.

She the replied, i know it is selfish on my part; im just not in the mood to talk. Im just in a funk (guess she means mood? and when im out. Ill talk.

I said, i know. Weve communicated about this before; me refering to her in her mood swings.


So im not texting her back.

I hate to go silent when she textes me and seems to want to talk. I mean thats like ignoring her, but I see what youre saying. By silent...how long?


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Andddddd....she just texted that the kids made it home. 

*sigh*


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I’m going to keep this simple. If you think this relationship is going to last you the rest of your life you my friend haven’t a clue! 

It’s so apparent she’s in total control right now. You have to get permission to call her? Are you kidding me? You’re thinking of spending the rest of your life together. Don’t you see how crazy this is?

She has two kids and been married twice. Please don’t get into a situation where you are baby daddy number three. You will be trapped with her the rest of your life and paying support for eighteen of those years. 

Marriage is great with the right person but it’s still work too. Sorry but your relationship with her doesn’t have a happy ending.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Grogmiester said:


> I’m going to keep this simple. If you think this relationship is going to last you the rest of your life you my friend haven’t a clue!
> 
> It’s so apparent she’s in total control right now. You have to get permission to call her? Are you kidding me? You’re thinking of spending the rest of your life together. Don’t you see how crazy this is?
> 
> ...



I dont have to ask permission to call...i just figured id ask in case if she was busy.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Just pull off the band aid man. Chalk this up to a learning experience and MOVE ON. In ten years when you look back on this you will be so thankful that you did.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Manwithaplan said:


> ... Im not desperate and* she *even *said* that.* She said* several months back that she knew I wasnt desperate even for sex.
> 
> I do love her and I know she loves me....*she just seems to take me for granted in ways.*
> 
> ...


Okay. I'll give my take on what is going on here. I read the entire thread, but I'm simply highlighting some of the things in your most recent post for a reason.

So you claim you are not "desperate." You also came here asking for advice. First, you passed "desperate" three exits back. Second, you don't want advice for the most part. People do what they want to do anyway. Your need for advice, as you call it, is to shore up your own insecurity. You are invested in other people's opinions. The people at work just love her and think you two make a good match. So what? They aren't living with her. They don't see the two of you behind closed doors. But apparently their opinion of your relationship shores up your doubts. After all, they all think she's just dandy, so it HAS to be so, right?

You've delayed telling her about your concerns. A man who is comfortable in his own skin and with his own boundaries doesn't mess around. He makes it clear as to what he finds acceptable and unacceptable.

As a woman, I'm going to tell you that she ain't nearly as into you as you seem to think. One of the reasons she takes you for granted is she CAN. She doesn't particularly hold you in high regard, nor does she respect you. I want to hear her reaction when you tell her she needs to permanently drop her booze hound man-pal. You are only seven months into this, and she is clearly showing you who she is and what she is: a self-absorbed boozer who has two failed marriages. And I'm sure you think she was the hapless victim of two rotten husbands.

Why should I, or anyone else here, tell you how long to be silent? As I said earlier, you are going to do precisely what you want to do anyway. But since you asked the question, I'll give you my answer. Silent as in hasta-la-vista-baby silent. 

Hell, you'll probably end up marrying this train wreck. So, with seven months in, she takes you for granted, doesn't communicate when she isn't in "the mood," has mood swings, drinks too much, smokes, has a man pal who stays overnight at her place when you aren't around ... and you think you have issues now. I'd tell you to save yourself the pain and time, but she is so "in love" with you. Yeah, right.

Oftentimes, people have to experience a great deal of pain to learn their lesson. I fear you are one of those people. Seriously.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. I'll give my take on what is going on here. I read the entire thread, but I'm simply highlighting some of the things in your most recent post for a reason.
> 
> So you claim you are not "desperate." You also came here asking for advice. First, you passed "desperate" three exits back. Second, you don't want advice for the most part. People do what they want to do anyway. Your need for advice, as you call it, is to shore up your own insecurity. You are invested in other people's opinions. The people at work just love her and think you two make a good match. So what? They aren't living with her. They don't see the two of you behind closed doors. But apparently their opinion of your relationship shores up your doubts. After all, they all think she's just dandy, so it HAS to be so, right?
> 
> ...


Well, I just want to save the relationship, BUT I know she has to want to too.

I do my best to look for good in people.

I have no facts she is sleeping with this guy. I havent caught them. She didnt hide him from me. Though him staying over sometimes is VERY questionable, even after she told me that when they did get **** faced long ago that they both nearly got to the point of messing around, but again..she stated they didnt. She at least told me about it, and again...i try to trust her....because I have no full evidence of them sleeping together.

Im trying to look past her drinking and smoking. Many people do that today...its hard to find someone who doesnt do one or the other or both. She has cut back on what she has drink though, when I am around.

I delayed because I tried to see if this "guy friend" was ok. She told me about him. She made us meet. Wve hung out several times with him. She told me she is going to pick him up or him stay the nighy. I know women and men can be friends, but like yall said...him staying over is too much. Even my woman's own friend said it wasnt right. Though, she did say while she was there there wasnt nothing between them; BUT AGAIN...who knows what goes on after she leaves. I never felt right with it, but I just dealed with it because she at least told me about it rather than hiding it like many people do. So i tried to have faith and trust in her.

I know when I am there, everything is cool, and yeah it is going to be cool when I am there.

I do my best to trust my girlfriend. That is what many relationships dont have. 

She basically didnt want me to end their friendship. She didnt really say nothing about him staying over. I simply told her I am not ending their friendship. It was silent after that. And later when we talked , thats when she opened up about being the one who had to comprimise and not have her friends. I told her I am not stopping friendships...that has never been my intentions. I just want to prevent situations for the both of us that could easily mess our relationship up. She didnt argue with that.



She has done things for me. She has driven 2 hours to come stay with me many times. She has given stuff to my brothers family because they needed stuff. She has bought my food several times before. So i feel she is interested and want us to be. 

Im trying to see the good in her. I do see it. 


I understand where yall are coming from.


Its just hard to give up and believe. 


I see those kids needing a good father figure in their life...because I was like them. I didnt have a good father figure. And my girlfriend said she wanted a good father figure for them.

So i do my best to hold my tongue on things, but I do try to talk with her. I dont want to believe she will go with her guy friend who drinks a lot and be there for those kids. 

Thats why I am planning to have a final sit down with her. 

Basically, I will state that I need to know now that is she going to work on being committed as much as I am with her. If she isnt then I am moving on. Weve nearly made it to a year together and if she isnt going to be committed to me now then it isnt no use to make it to two years, because Im not investing into someone who doesnt feel the same for me.

And again, I will state that I do not want the guy there when I am not there. They can be friends.
But again, im two hours away...she could easily have him come over without me knowing.

She could easily have been cheating on me without me knowing.

But thats why I am doing my best to believe nothing has happen between him and her since she has told me.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Dude, you are so naive it's not even funny anymore. I thought by now you would have awakened.

She doesn't want to compromise, therefore she chooses him over you. She only told you about him so you would think she isn't hiding anything from you should you find out about him. She also told you about the time they were drunk and almost did something, but didn't. She did this to make you think she is honest.

I'd bet the farm she's been screwing him for sure. And probably this weekend when the kids were gone. 

Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Man...you seriously have no plan and apparently no back bone...because you really don't want our advice and our years of experience. You asked us for our advice at the beginning and now you seem to back pedaling and that is fine, its your life, your future...i think you have a lot of growing up too do...I think you want to be this shining knight for her and her kids, and on some level she is playing you...does she care for you... probably...but does love you...well not really...she may say the words but someone who really loves someone would not place this man in front of you to cause this much upheaval with you...and that makes you clueless....you are afraid to walk away, your willing to take table scrapes, just to get a seat at table...the reality is she would rather turn to him than to you...she invites you when she has the kids....i don't mean to be harsh on you but trust me if you were my son i would say the same thing...this is one life lesson you will learn the hard way...and we will be here to help you....if a woman is playing with your emotions and mind this much she is not worth it.....but again you will not understand that until its too late. and there is nothing that any of us (man or woman) can say to convince you otherwise. So either stick to your guns and don't post or grow up and realize you're being played there is no middle ground.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Man...you seriously have no plan and apparently no back bone...because you really don't want our advice and our years of experience. You asked us for our advice at the beginning and now you seem to back pedaling and that is fine, its your life, your future...i think you have a lot of growing up too do...I think you want to be this shining knight for her and her kids, and on some level she is playing you...does she care for you... probably...but does love you...well not really...she may say the words but someone who really loves someone would not place this man in front of you to cause this much upheaval with you...and that makes you clueless....you are afraid to walk away, your willing to take table scrapes, just to get a seat at table...the reality is she would rather turn to him than to you...she invites you when she has the kids....i don't mean to be harsh on you but trust me if you were my son i would say the same thing...this is one life lesson you will learn the hard way...and we will be here to help you....if a woman is playing with your emotions and mind this much she is not worth it.....but again you will not understand that until its too late. and there is nothing that any of us (man or woman) can say to convince you otherwise. So either stick to your guns and don't post or grow up and realize you're being played there is no middle ground.


I understand, but I at least want to make one more attempt and see if she has thought and decided what she wants. Women are strange


Well should i attempt one more talk with her and see if she is going to be committed and if not....end it?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Manwithaplan said:


> Well should i attempt one more talk with her and see if she is going to be committed and if not....end it?


at this point she has told you in so many ways what she wants......you need a break, stop calling stop texting...stop stop and focus on you, pick up a hobby, join a book club, join a gym...let her do the work...tell her you need a break...see how much she wants you, how much is she will to do to keep you.You need a break.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> at this point she has told you in so many ways what she wants......you need a break, stop calling stop texting...stop stop and focus on you, pick up a hobby, join a book club, join a gym...let her do the work...tell her you need a break...see how much she wants you, how much is she will to do to keep you.You need a break.


Well, i havent texted her first today. She has been initating the texting.

Im cutting back like you stated. 

But i mean stop texting period...what will that do? Especially if she is trying to initiate talking?

Just stop texting until she gives in and ask what is wrong?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Manwithaplan said:


> Well, i havent texted her first today. She has been initating the texting.
> 
> Im cutting back like you stated.
> 
> ...


tell her that you want a break and assess their relationship. period...no contact for a while 
no talking no text nothing...

tell her that you truly question whether she is committed to this relationship. end of story.


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## Manwithaplan (Mar 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> tell her that you want a break and assess their relationship. period...no contact for a while
> no talking no text nothing...
> 
> tell her that you truly question whether she is committed to this relationship. end of story.



Assess our relationship?

What if she says ok? Give it a break. Do i come back or wait for her? Im assumimg wait on her and see if she comes back and begs to be with me?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Manwithaplan said:


> Assess our relationship?
> 
> What if she says ok? Give it a break. Do i come back or wait for her? Im assumimg wait on her and see if she comes back and begs to be with me?


let me ask you this...if the roles were reversed and you had this female friend and she said i'm not sure i am with happy with her staying at your house what would you do? then ask yourself why is she doing it....does she have the right to do it? sure but if she truly loved you she would set up boundaries and she is not...i will let others chime in at this point ...listen to them or don't


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MWP, a couple of things:
" i may rushed it on to quick for her, but she seemed fine with it...she was very loving...then like I said..we had the conversation about comprimising and that guy friend staying......everything changed. Its like we stepped back to 1 month of dating."

? THIS is important -- you asked her NOT to have a man staying at her house overnight while you are not there, and that is HER compromising? She doesn't see that as a clear lack of boundaries? She already said that HE wanted to, and SHE also wanted to at one time. Just the fact that it makes YOU uncomfortable should end it RIGHT THERE. YOU shouldn't have to ask, SHE should volunteer to do that if she was that committed to the relationship.

"I see those kids needing a good father figure in their life...because I was like them. I didnt have a good father figure. And my girlfriend said she wanted a good father figure for them.
"
This shows you have a big heart and are a caring person, but DO NOT marry a woman so that HER kids can have a father figure. They already have a father, and while you may be a great improvement, you should concentrate on your relationship with HER to decide if you want to take it further.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

OH .... Texting shmexting!!!!!!

Texting is for ordering a pizza. Texting is for telling the uber driver where you're standing. Texting is NOT communicating!

Even phone calls are a lousy excuse for communication.

Communication, real communication is done face to face. It is nuanced. It is subtle. It is enriched by reading of the eyes, of the body language, of the thousand and one tells of the deeper currents of thought.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Man, remember actions speak louder than words......she can tell you she loves you all day long but if her actions demonstrate otherwise than its call rhetoric.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

Dude, are you really not seeing that she is playing you like a fool? She texted you first? Are you child? If she loces you, she will loose that guy and drive to your place to cry and apologise and swear that she will never see him again, but what she does? She tells you that she wont give up the guy. So what will happen? Well, in couple of years, you will live together, and he will come to your house, he will drink with your wife, and when you go to sleep becouse you have to go to work, he will bonk your wife right there wwith you in a another room. I personally would rather die then to live like that. You are young and have a live in front of you. Dump the who. E and find a deasent girlfriend od your age and live a great life. Or dont, it is up to you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I guess you just don't get it, because you are young. 

If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship, then your GIRLFRIEND does not get to have her other boyfriend spend the night at her place. 

In fact, she does not get to have another boyfriend.

You are being played by a player and you don't even know it. 

You need to ghost her.... IS THAT PLAIN ENOUGH FOR YOU?????


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

I dont think this guy is real, nobody is so thick in the head. He is reading this and he is laughing, this can not be true. I refuse to believe that a normal human being can be such a doormat and beta,! For God sake, he is lettin' her to have her boyfriend sleep with her and he is asking for permision to call, so he wouldnt be stoping her if she is in the middle of sex with her other boyfriend. WAKE UP MAN!!!! DUMP THE WHOR. E!!!!!


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