# Separated but trying to work things out, Final court hearing less than 2 weeks away



## nikkiJ (Oct 3, 2012)

Final court hearing is scheduled for January 10, 2013. I feel like if there is any hope of getting back together, the time is now. 

Have been married 3 1/2 years, separated for 2 years. We live 1,000 miles away. Shortly after getting married he took a job opportunity in another state. It was a stressful time, my son was just a few months old when he left and I had a year left to finish up my batchelor's degree.

We kind of grew apart while he was away, although he did fly back every weekend at the time. When he was in town, we argued constantly. All of the stress with being a full-time student and new mom kind of wore me down and I think I resented him for leaving us. On top of that, I have less than supportive parents and I was living with them at the time and currently live with them. So the negative, unsupportive environment did/does not help. Eventually, about 6 months later, I filed for a separation from him. We have tried to work things out so many times, with me going there and staying months at a time. We have made 3 unsuccessful attempts at reconciliation. Looking back, I don't think we ever had a chance until now.

Due to the situation, all the back and forth, I have not started my career. I have worked a part-time job at a store in town during our separation but am not currently working. I would really like to start working in the field I went to school for but until I am settled in one place this seems unrealistic. We are at different points in our lives, he is 8 years older than I am and he has worked in his professional career for 10 years now. I would also like to get my son, now 3, in preschool and just get him settled in one place for good. I am sure all this has not been easy on him and the sooner I can figure this out, the better. 

A lot of our arguments are about how he does not like my parents/family, money, and he feels I do not do enough for him. 

I still love him and care about him so much. He does not express any affection toward me when I see him (comes in town every other weekend and holidays) or over the phone/text messages. He must still care, however, because otherwise he would have moved on. He tells me he is starting to settle into his own life and is finding happiness so I feel like he is headed in this direction. I have not moved on with my own life (in many ways), and working things out with him for good is constantly on my mind.

Sometimes I feel like I do not even know him anymore. We have had so many ups and downs over the last 2 years. I don't really know what he is feeling. It seems like every time we talk about it he changes his mind on what he wants to do. He goes from wanting to go through with the court date and divorce and try to make things work after that (says in his mind this is not a marriage and needs to be over) to wanting to postpone the date to have a few months to try to work things out together and go from there.

He told me to book a flight the other day. Then yesterday he said terrible things to me and gave me every reason why we would not work out. Then today I got a text from him saying "book your flight, I will try." 

I feel like we have both changed over the last 2 years. I feel like I can be a better wife to him than I was. Although I am unsure of how he would be toward me or how much he would actually try. 

This has been going on wayy too long, any advice would be greatly appreciated! Has anyone else gone through this? I have just reached the point where it has been so much back and forth and I'm feeling confused and unable to make any kind of decision.

Thank you in advance


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

Do you think he might be seeing someone? Is he willing to go to MC to work on the problems? you have been living separate lives for so long now, do you really want to move back in with him and start again? and not knowing your history..what did he mean, you didn't do enough for him? Does he want a momma to wipe his butt, or just the normal every day wife duties? (LOL) I don't know if I would want to be with someone that pretty much deserted me and my child to follow their dreams. He wasn't there for you when you needed him most, why would you want to be with him now that you finished school and can be self supporting? I try to remember that with my STBXH...He couldn't handle me at my worst (depression) than he doesn't deserve me at my best.


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## nikkiJ (Oct 3, 2012)

I'm not sure if he is seeing anyone. He denies it when I ask. He is pretty close with his female co-workers, I see him texting and emailing them a lot. But I truly believe it is just as friends because nearly all of them have boyfriends or husbands that he is also friends with. 

We have done marriage counseling in the past but over 2 years ago before we even separated. I think we both agree on marriage counseling if I go out there, but time seems to be a factor. Not sure how far we will come with just a couple months of marriage counseling. We have tried working through books that open up communication like "The Love Dare."

I think that we would have a better chance now than any other time we have tried. I know it's not really a fresh start but I feel like it is a better time. It's now or never because in just under 2 weeks we could be divorced.

By I didn't do enough for him... I feel like he expected me to be perfect. I did a lot of things around the house including taking care of our son, cooking meals several times a week, running errands, and cleaning. He brings up the cleaning part of it a lot because apparently we have very different standards when it comes to that. I always thought I did a good enough job (especially for having a toddler around), but if it wasn't spotless and perfectly in order there would be conflict. It seems he takes the few things he did and puts too much value on that because he makes it seem like he did 100% and I did 0%. Regardless of what he says, I think I took pretty good care of him. 

That's also the thing is that he left to pursue his dreams, while I lost sight of whatever dreams I had dealing with this mess of a situation. This career is exactly the one he was working toward. It just was the wrong time for him to take it in my opinion. At that time we were newlyweds with a 3 month old son and I was a full-time nursing student. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

The date of your hearing is so close, do you really have enough time to change your mind this late? Do you really want too? He doesn't seem to have 100% of his heart in it. You definitely shouldn't settle for less than what you deserve.


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## Can't believe it's over (Oct 6, 2012)

I would let the divorce happen, don't try to stop it. You would be rushing to decide what to do. It is just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean you guys can't be together or even get remarried later, after you have time to see what happens. Does he have OCD? That would explain the cleaning thing. That is something that will probably always be between you 2. If it is going to work clear guidelines need to be set, he should let you know exactly what he expects from you and you need to do the same with him. can you really forgive him for leaving when you really needed him. I would have a lot of resentment toward him because of it. You need to do what will make you happiest in the long run, not the fast easy fix. I miss being with my STBXH, and for a while I would do anything thing, forgive anything just to be back together. But I had to realize that I just wanted what was "normal" what I was used to, what was comfortable. I know (as I knew then) I will be so much happier without him, he left me when I needed him the most. I can never forgive him for that. But I am thankful to him (sometimes) for being an [email protected]@ and leaving me, because I deserve better than him and so do you.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Just checking in to see how you are doing...


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