# Dating with/out children?



## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

At what point when dating someone should you tell the other that you have children? Is having kids a deal breaker for men? I'm worried to go back out into the world of dating when I am ready (if I will ever be ready again).


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I would be upfront about that information from the very first date. A man will either be comfortable with that or not. Plus, it's very likely that you can find someone who also already has kids. Blended families are very common now so it's not really a big deal.

You shouldn't feel bad about dating in the future just because you have children. It's more common than you think.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Thank you. I would think being upfront from the get go would be the right thing to do. I just wasn't sure how men felt about dating women that already had children. Are they few and far between? Or is it more of the norm like you say........


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes being up front is the way to go. It shows self confidence and honesty. Dating someone with kids is pretty normal so you shouldn't sweat it. Even if you do get rejected for it, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

depends on what type of dating you are looking for. If it is casual, sex only oriented, why cloud up the issue.

If you are looking for a long term partner, probably on the first or 2nd date.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I think it depends on age. If you're 40ish, it's kinda inferred that you're dating after a divorce and children are involved at some point. 

It's a different conversation when a 42 yr old says they have four kids as opposed to a 23 yr old admitting they have four kids.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I think it depends on age. If you're 40ish, it's kinda inferred that you're dating after a divorce and children are involved at some point.
> 
> It's a different conversation when a 42 yr old says they have four kids as opposed to a 23 yr old admitting they have four kids.


Agree. If your twenty it will be a big deal. In your 40's not so much unless a guys is purposely avoiding dating single moms. 


Kids shouldn't be looked at as a secret. Just say on first date hey I have kids


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

First date. You and your kids are a package deal. There is no reason to hide that fact. If someone is turned off by that, you didn't want anything to do with them anyway.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'll echo the others who said it depends on what you are looking for. If you want something casual, no strings, just for fun and not serious, then no real need to bring them up, but if you are looking for something serious, long term, bring it up right away so as not to waste your's or their time.

Myself, after my divorce when I started looking for something serious again, two of my criteria were in fact I wanted a woman who was divorced and had older kids.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think children should be disclosed as soon as possible, certainly no later than the first date. For me, kids are a total deal breaker, so it's better to know and move on. I'm certainly not usual in that feeling, but it should be out there either way. The only thing worse than having kids in my book would be hiding the fact that you have kids.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lovelost2soon said:


> At what point when dating someone should you tell the other that you have children?


It really should be part of the conversations on the first date. No reason it can't or shouldn't be.




> Is having kids a deal breaker for men?


Not for me it isn't, depends on the man.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your input. If and when I ever get the courage to start dating again I will disclose of the information early on. My kids are my world and we are a package deal!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Personally it would be pretty much one of the first things I would tell someone. Not that I'm planning on being on the dating scene ever again, but it's a pretty big thing, and if someone doesn't want to date a person with children, no point in wasting time getting to know each other imo.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would bring it up right away, even before the first date. If they're okay with it, great and proceed to the first date. If they're not, then no time on either side gets wasted. The less time, the less emotional involvement so less likely you'll be hurt too if it's a deal-breaker for them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would be upfront or simply answer when asked. Perhaps, I wouldn't bring it up though but at some point (maybe 2nd-3rd date) I would probably bring it up.

I would also ask.

DO NOT fear it to be a deal breaker. Use it as a people filter. Those that run off because you have kids, are the ones you don't want ANY relationship with anyways.



It's better to get this out of the way early rather than later...but not TOO early.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lovelost2soon said:


> Thank you everyone for your input. If and when I ever get the courage to start dating again I will disclose of the information early on. My kids are my world and we are a package deal!


As they should be 

I dated a woman that had kids even before I got married the first time.
I loved those kids. She ended up deciding she wanted to hook up with an old flame, and when the relationship was over, I wasn't nearly as torn up about the lose of the relationship as I was the kids. I grew attached to them.

So there will be some guys out there for you that love kids. :smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Laurel said:


> First date. You and your kids are a package deal. There is no reason to hide that fact. If someone is turned off by that, you didn't want anything to do with them anyway.


Too soon and too early IMO. 

A man that wouldn't mind a woman with kids will be turned off by the pressure of bringing up kids on first date.

It's like talking about sex on first date for women......probably a big turn off ehh?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

On dating sites, there is always a 'children' option to fill in, with whether you have them or not, and whether you want them or not. Anyone who has or wants them is an immediate 'no' from me. Since you sound like you're meeting people the old fashioned way, if for whatever reason you haven't gotten to know much/anything about each other before the date, tell them during the date.

You really need to let them know as soon as possible.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Too soon and too early IMO.
> 
> A man that wouldn't mind a woman with kids will be turned off by the pressure of bringing up kids on first date.
> 
> It's like talking about sex on first date for women......probably a big turn off ehh?


Totally disagree.

Talking about SEX and talking about having offspring, you know, children are two totally different things.

I would want to know if someone has kids upfront.

On a first date I like to ask: Are you married? Do you have kids? 

Two major pieces of information to be learn about.

If someone failed to mention this to me, especially after a few dates, I'd think it was really friggin weird.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DoF said:


> Too soon and too early IMO.
> 
> A man that wouldn't mind a woman with kids will be turned off by the pressure of bringing up kids on first date.
> 
> It's like talking about sex on first date for women......probably a big turn off ehh?


I don't see it that way at all. I don't know what pressure could possibly come from the knowledge that someone has reproduced. To me it's just a fact about certain people--like height, relationship status and profession. When I was dating, it was one of the first things I'd ask if I didn't already know, because why even waste an hour over drinks with someone whose lifestyle you fundamentally won't be compatible with? 

Now details about kids--that can wait. But the existence of kids? Get that on the table so that expectations can be managed by everyone concerned.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lovelost2soon said:


> Is having kids a deal breaker for men? (


Depends on the man. 

It may be for some and it may not be for others. Some may prefer it and some may not. 

Same thing with women.

There are some men who say they do not want to date women who do not have children, since they can't relate; so they prefer women who have them, and vice versa.

On the other side, there are people who do not want to date people with children. Again, all depends on the individual and I think disclosing children upfront is very important.

Anyone who hides the fact they have kids is not going to go over well with many people.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Totally disagree.
> 
> Talking about SEX and talking about having offspring, you know, children are two totally different things.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree

But the "pressure" of dumping this information onto someone on a first date is a bit of a rush/too fast IMO.

But we are all different.

To me, 1st date, I'm looking for chemistry......not really details of person's life JUST YET. Just hanging out having fun......talking about kids is no different than talking about marriage. It's overwhelming and has a "rushing" feeling to it IMO.

Most man WILL run. Even the ones that like kids/don't mind.

I would NOT hide that info if asked though, that would be wrong.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> I don't see it that way at all. I don't know what pressure could possibly come from the knowledge that someone has reproduced. To me it's just a fact about certain people--like height, relationship status and profession. When I was dating, it was one of the first things I'd ask if I didn't already know, because why even waste an hour over drinks with someone whose lifestyle you fundamentally won't be compatible with?
> 
> Now details about kids--that can wait. But the existence of kids? Get that on the table so that expectations can be managed by everyone concerned.


On 1st date, there should be VERY LITTLE to NO expectation "management" going on.

Besides, 2nd or 3rd date is usually few days away.....is it THAT big of a deal to not rush/dive in head first?

Patience is the key to success IMO.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just don't date anyone from the stepmother forum...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> To me, 1st date, I'm looking for chemistry......not really details of person's life JUST YET. Just hanging out having fun......talking about kids is no different than talking about marriage. It's overwhelming and has a "rushing" feeling to it IMO.


I guess we're all different. Because I would hate to be on a date with a man/dates and he never mentions he has children, is a father. Kids are a pretty big part of life. I don't know why someone wouldn't mention that. and I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't.

I went out with a man who told me pretty early on our date that he has a daughter. I was so happy he told me. Because it's a huge part of his life, obviously. When I told him I didn't have kids, he looked at me like I had three heads. I could see it seemed to throw him for a loop and he kind of winced when I said it. 

Better to get it out in the open.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> just don't date anyone from the stepmother forum...


What is that forum called?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DoF said:


> On 1st date, there should be VERY LITTLE to NO expectation "management" going on.
> 
> Besides, 2nd or 3rd date is usually few days away.....is it THAT big of a deal to not rush/dive in head first?
> 
> Patience is the key to success IMO.


I agree, patience is the key to success. But no matter how much "chemistry" I may feel with someone off the bat--there is ZERO chance of success with someone who has children. Just as I would have ZERO chance of success with someone who is still married to someone else. To me, it's not even a deal-breaker, it's a non-starter.

It's simply not an area of compromise for me, so for even a first date to not be forthcoming with that kind of information would be a waste of time, money, energy, phone minutes, text messages etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

COGypsy said:


> I agree, patience is the key to success. But no matter how much "chemistry" I may feel with someone off the bat--there is ZERO chance of success with someone who has children. Just as I would have ZERO chance of success with someone who is still married to someone else. To me, it's not even a deal-breaker, it's a non-starter.
> 
> It's simply not an area of compromise for me, so for even a first date to not be forthcoming with that kind of information would be a waste of time, money, energy, phone minutes, text messages etc.


You know what I say, whatever floats that boat.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is that forum called?



ask ele, she found it


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids are so much a part of my life that pretty much everyone who meets me for the first time knows I have kids. I can't imagine even getting to a first date and the other person NOT knowing I have kids.

When I met my hubby, it was through a mutual friend whose kids were friends with my kids, so he knew before he even met me.

If the roles were reversed and someone I was dating had not disclosed this about themselves by the time it got to dating, I would be seriously questioning their integrity. Unless, like others have said, it was only about sex and nothing else. Then I couldn't care less. But I don't really consider FWB to be 'dating'.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I am not into online dating like going to match.com and filling out a profile and all. I am more of the old fashioned kind of girl as mentioned by a previous poster. So for me it would have to be mentioned on the first date as so many has said to do. I do agree with that, my children are my world and if the other person is not interested in children then it should be known before it gets serious. Thank you everyone!


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