# First Post....How to deal with things



## c2500 (Aug 17, 2011)

One year ago yesterday, my wife ask for a divorce. She had been treating me like a dog since June. She admitted to having talked to an attorney. One year ago today, after I literally stared at the ceiling all night, we talked and she backed down. One year ago tommorow, she came home from work, told me to either get a job making the kind of money she did or sit down, shut up, and use the credit card when I wanted too. At that point, I realized it was time to act. On the following Monday I called an attorney friend and got the name of an attorney that was better than her's. We met Tuesday, and he said she was having an affair. He told me to check some stuff and I did, and yes he was right. I had the feeling (my ex wife did the same thing) but figured she could never do it since her ex husband cheated on her.

I then proceeded to endure 5 weeks of HELL building a wonderful, airtight adultry case against her. The guy was over 20 years older than her (late 60's). She was served in late September of last year after they had their daily meeting.

She moved out of the house. She quit seeing him romantically the day she was served (but admits they talked and emailed for a short time after). She then procedded to try to reconcile with me. Over time, with both of us seeing counselors seperately and together, we are awaiting a court date to put a reconciliation agreement in place.

My question with all this in mind is how do you get over it...I know what counseling says...but those of you in real life, how did you move on? Three weeks ago Friday I ended up in line behind the SOB and his wife at a warehouse store. I had met him on two other occasions (both times I remained in my vehicle) but now I actually was able to gauge myself against him. I am taller than him, and I have no doubt far stronger than him, not to mention 27 years younger. I just am not the BS artist he is. His wife figured out who I was as did he (uniform shirt) I said nothing...though my blood pressure hit stroke level. (His wife found out in July when someone sent her a copy of the court filing where her husband was named) Of course I fantasized about how long I would have to "talk" before the police showed up.

While I know they were intimate, (oral only apparently) the guy is actually impotent...go figure. Also, his now wife was the result of an affair he had on his third wife 20 years ago. He is a serial cheater. In fact the now wife dyed her hair to look like my wife's hair.

Where is the peace? I see the guy every few weeks as we live 2 miles apart. In fact we end up facing one another at the same redlight. I love my wife and feel she loves me and that we can make it through this disaster. I just wonder when things get better (mentally for me)...when seeing the other guy doesn't elicit an anger response. When I don't think about what has happened. Any thoughts or insight would be greatly welcomed.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm not sure it's possible to ever NOT have some sort of negative reaction at seeing the POS OM. But there will be a time when it gradually becomes much less intense if you are able to work through the anger. 

It's certainly not an easy answer. Sorry you are going through this. The best bet is to continue counseling.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't know how I would be able to deal with it. I would always have it in the back of my mind that if she did this once, what's going to stop her from doing it again?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

c2500 said:


> Also, his now wife was the result of an affair he had on his third wife 20 years ago.


Lovely. 

Oh OP... You will never "get over" the affair but you guys can work together to rebuild your relationship. Tell her what you need from her in order to earn trust/respect back and ask what you can do. Definitely squash whatever remaining issues you guys have between you to. Don't let problems go unresolved. Continue with IC.

I can't imagine how hard it is to keep running into that a$$hole. I'm amazed you haven't gone off on him. Did he ever say anything about being named in the divorce papers? He sounds like a cad.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Can you move to an new community? And when you're wife objects tell her that she is the one who made this place no longer a home and just a town of landmines.

She got her fun, now its time to do the hard lifting, including doing whatever it takes to make her husband feel comfortable where he is living.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried sending the OM your attorney bills for all of this? It seems like he should pay at least 1/2 of it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What has her individual counseling revealed as to why she allowed herself to have the affair?


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Speaking from my own experience:

I can see no way to reconcile while still seeing the OM at all let alone running into him wherever you go. If your seeing him around, so is your wife.

In my case...I moved (about 200 miles away) and gave my wife the choice of moving with me. She did after awhile. Drastic? Maybe...but desperate times and all that.

Did this eliminate the the chance of me/her running into him? Not entirely...but its been ten years without a sighting. I am confident now that if I did happen into him...I would view him as if I were looking at a stray cat...I'm not going run the cat over...but I'm also not going to feed it. 

c2500,

It doesn't seem to me that you are far along enough in the healing/rebuilding stages to endure any contact at all with this man. I'm not saying its impossible...only that I just can't see it. NO Contact...means NO Contact.

best wishes,

GM


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

Man I don't know. Not saying anything violent but I would of said something to him in line. Probably something degrading to his wife. Just make it uncomfortable for him to see u. As long as u don't threaten him what is he going to do beat you with his cane. I know a counselor would say Im probably wrong but it would make me feel better to make the pos uncomfortable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have a major problem, in that he triggers you, his wife triggers you, and obviously your wife triggers you

It is your sub-conscious you are battling with

Your wife was a total A-hole for a long time, how has this changed---is she fully remorseful, is she contrite, is she doing ALL the heavy lifting to make this mge., work

One thing you should do no matter what---Make her sign a POST--NUP agreement with a DURESS clause----and make your terms harsh so she knows if cheats again it will cost her dearly

Other thing is you need to FIND is an IC, that specializes in dealing with triggers and problems of that sort

You may love your wife---but your sub-c. is not quite so reticent to let things go----and I do hope for your sake this is not being swept under the rug, and quickly being forgiven and forgotten----that will get you nothing but more cheating down the line

One other thing----Has your counselor gotten your wife to give up to the real deep down CORE WHY this all happened, so you both know how to prevent this from happening again??????


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## c2500 (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok, here goes....

I can't really move. I am self employed, and derive almost all my work in a 10 mile radius from my home. The OM is now retired so the wife doesn't se him..as she is at work and I am on the road far more than she is. My home is almost paid for with a pittly mortgage, so it makes financial sense to stay put. Not to mention I live in a very unique neighborhood where everyone knows everyone and it is a great place to live. If I were to leave, I would probably never have the chanceto get back in here. Wife is remorseful, and had endured my coping/dealing/etc with her actions. She is realizing the depth to which she hurt me. She went from lunch to bed in less than a month. I concede things were bad with us, and she has realized and said her solution to thinking I didn't care was wrong. She has always been far more religous than me and it is very rare a Sunday go by that she is not in tears at church. (I will also say that church helped me hang on to my sanity) The only way to escape the OM is to move or act in a way that will result in a prison term or loss of my livelyhood due to no license because of criminal charges. We shop at the same stores and the sightings are going to continue. I know he is afraid of me after a previous chat we had (NO threats made...just a basic read on body language) As for the wife of the OM, she is as dirty as he is. She married him after the had an affair, so what do I expect? As for reconciling, I have a lovely agreement in place that more than protects me if she cheats again when we get a judge to sign off on it.

For those that have been through this...when does the anger subside? Or does it simply become a part of your life that you have to live with daily?

Thanks


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