# So lost. I don't know what to do.



## momo_x (Jul 6, 2010)

I've been married to my Husband for a year and there are a few issues that are making me really unhappy. I've tried to make couples counseling an option but he won't participate very willingly and makes me feel really bad for wanting to go so that wasn't an option and I started seeing a relationship counselor by myself and then a psychologist. The relationship isn't improving one bit and I feel like every single book I read or advice I try to find online just gets thrown back into my face by him. He is just completely uninterested. 

I love him very much and it hurts so badly that It's come down to this but yesterday it really hit me that he is never going to try and change or want to work through our issues and I'm going to continuously be frustrated and let down. He makes it very apparent to me through his actions that I'm not important enough or a priority with anything in his life. It became apparent to me that I need to leave. I've told him this and explained all of the issues why I'm not happy. He was upset at first. He didn't understand. Then he asked to be alone so I left and he fell asleep for hours. I was thinking he might wake up and be sad and say something like he didn't realise it was such an issue for me and that he would do whatever it is to keep me but when he woke up, he was moody and pissed off. Went to the TV and didn't say a word. Told me to leave him alone. This is one of the things I can't stand is being punished emotionally by him and rejected. We got into a pretty big fight which is what I was trying to avoid. I just wanted us to deal with everything maturely but that didn't happen. So we slept in separate rooms last night. Barely spoke a word while I drove him to work. Then I thought he might reach out to me somehow by email or text or phone but as usual I got my hopes up for nothing. he made no effort. I emailed him and said that I was just going to go stay at my Mothers until we worked this out. He replied telling me this was stupid and he wasn't going to even bother digesting any of this information because it happened so suddenly so It's meaningless. 

We have a baby due in 9 weeks. I don't know what to do. Even though it's so clear that he really doesn't care that much, I don't want to leave. I know that I have to but I honestly can't think of anything worse than staying at my Mum's house and checking my email every 5 minutes to see if he wants to make it work. I love him so much and I can't understand why he's okay to lose me. 

Why won't he accept that this is happening. WHy isn't he trying to stop this happening. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Every part of my body hurts. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be stuck being unhappy anymore.

I don't know what to do. How do I make the pain go away? 

The thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. I would do anything for him to care and love me the way I deserve. 

He constantly puts everything down I do or say as stupid. My feelings are annoying and dumb and don't mean anything to him. He thinks he's better than everyone else. He's completely lost his sex drive and barely has sex with me more than once a month and even then I usually initiate it. He SWEARS it's not me and that it's him but he still refuses to go to a doctor and is fine leaving me feeling unattractive and repulsive. He doesn't ever do anything nice or thoughtful for me. 

I feel like I give him 110% of me all the time and get nothing back. It's so frustrating. I want to scream. 

I don't understand why I'm not worthy enough for him. 

Part of me just wants to be held by him and to forget I ever attempted to separate because it hurts so much.

What do I do.


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## momo_x (Jul 6, 2010)

can anyone help me. I feel so alone. I have no one. I just need someone to talk to.

He says he never wanted this baby in the first place and I trapped him into it. Makes me so sad. It was never like that.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well your second post probably hit the nail on the head, hes adjusting to having a baby and may not want to grow up and be a father. This may change after the baby is born, he actually may have a little fear of the changes being a father will bring. 

I almost think if you still love give him a little space and time and see if he changes after the baby is born many men do and more than a few I know go through a cold feet stage.

Good luck to ya and your family.


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## momo_x (Jul 6, 2010)

no it really doesnt have much to do with the baby. it was like this before i got pregnant.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well then I think I would stay at your mums until he decides he takes you serious or you decide things will never change and if thats the case it would be better to cut your losses than continue in a realtionship that probably will only get worse.


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## momo_x (Jul 6, 2010)

You're right. I guess I'm just terrified that If I go he still won't take me seriously and then he'll really be gone. I think I just need to stay here for the night and let myself see how much he is showing me that he doesn't care. 

He came home, grabbed the laptop and went into the nursery. Hasn't said a word to me. 

I just don't know how to make the pain go away or stop myself from giving in when it seems too much.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Well from what you describe he has already mentally left the relationship and is there only in body. You also say it was like this before you got preg. Were there changes from when he loved you and paid attention to you? You could watch the movie fireproof and get the book love dare and try that.


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

momo_x, your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I've had my share of experiences with this and it's hard for me to see it and accept it in my own situation but when I hear yours, it's so clear (a lesson to myself, here).

Whatever you do, you cannot do an action simply to get or hope for a reaction from him. Again, you cannot do an action simply to get or hope for a reaction from him. That will just set you up for disappointment. I know that it is exceptionally difficult when you have so much love for him and really want this to work. The truth is you have to step back and focus in on what is best for YOU and your baby. You can't MAKE him want to do right by you...unfortunately. You can't fix the marriage yourself. He has to be willing to do his part. You can wish and hope for it all day long but you can only actually do what you can do.

I really think you should not try to reach out to him right now. I think doing so only frustrates you more because you aren't getting the response from him that you need or want. Allow him to reach out to you whenever he's ready. It might be much longer than you want and I KNOW that is difficult. But during that time, just focus on you....keep focusing on you.

He needs to work on himself and learn that talking to you as he has is wrong and unacceptable. You can't make him do that; it has to be something he wants to do. You have to put yourself in a position where you will not tolerate it...because you deserve much better than that. He'll continue to do that because he knows he can. But when you don't allow it, then not only are you protecting yourslef (& baby) you are becoming stronger.

Please don't focus on how to get him to treat you differently or want this marriage or do his part. You have no control over that. Instead focus on what you do have control over and that is yourself, your thoughts, your choices...all of which should be in your best interest.

Many times I just want to go back to the good times with my husband because this separation hurts. But I keep thinking about what led me to where I am now (separated for 5 weeks) and I cannot and I refuse to go back to the same situation. It's hard...it's very hard...but ultimately I HAVE to think about what is best for me. Please keep in mind that you too have to do what is best for you and your baby.


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