# Need your perspective



## kitkatmebk (Oct 16, 2010)

After confronting my H the beginning of Feb. this year about his EA/PA with OW, I've decided to move out and separate so that I can clear my head and know how to move forward. My H was having his EA/PA for the past 9 plus months (if not longer) and I seriously have trust issues. 

Initially back last fall, my 17 yr old daughter asked me point blank if her dad was seeing or talking to someone else (OW). Since she brought it to my attention I decided to ck the phone records and validated that he was txting and having phone conversations with someone specific. I confronted him about it and all he said was that it was nothing and they talked about stupid stuff. H promised to stop contacting her after that which was last Sept. however, he started to contact the OW via Facebook, I'mining and live video chat. :cussing: It took me an additional 5 more months to dig for proof that he was having the continued affair but also found out he was seeing her in person and having live video sex!! I was SICK!! Angry, hurt and confussed on why this was happening. I thought I had married my soul mate however, I'm sadly mistaken. 

So, my question to all of you is now that I've moved out, how do I even start trusting my H again? What does he need to do to show proof that he's on the straight and narrow? If I can't trust him, how would I even think about trying to work things out? How long does that take?

Sorry for so many questions, but would appreciate your advice.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Once trust is lost, it will never entirely come back as it was before. Right now you really need to be away. Its too much to figure out. A vow has been broken, a heart has been broken as well, and a couple of the most important things in the making of a good strong marriage has been shattered. Fidelity and Honesty.

Honestly everything that has happened is too much and you can't just put a bandaid over it and expect it to heal.
You will need some serious IC and MC. 
From now on, sorry to say, no matter what your husband says or does will ever make you trust him 100% again. There will always be doubt. And long after you get past this, if you choose not to remain with your husband, you will have issues trusting someone else too. Thats why IC will be good for you. 

As I am scarred by past relationships in this area, I would cut all lines of communication and try to move on. However, it seems you may want to stick around and make things work. But what your H did was disgusting, disrespectful, and downright shameful. You should NOT excuse his actions so easily and give in to his 'I'm sorry's' and 'It'll never happen again's'. Thats all crap and immediately following the discovery of it, thats what you're going to be bombarded with.
Regard everything with caution. IC/MC like I said earlier, would be your best bet in getting through this tactfully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. It is really tough when you can no longer deny what is going on--and you must then take action.

You should not have been the one to move out of the house though. If possible put yourself back in the house. Your husband is the one who strayed from the family; he should be the one to move out.

Does your husband even want to stay in the marriage? Has he completely given up the OW? Is he remorseful? Do you want to save the marriage? We need to know some of those things in order to give better advice. I obviously couldn't save my marriage because my estranged husband didn't want to. Looking back, I regret how I handled things when I first discovered my husband's infidelity. And, of course, some forum members have save their marriages.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Not to mention you are worth it enough to say that you won't take this kind of actions from him. Your love is meant for someone who can love you back fully, not love you and then love whacking off with some girl on the computer. 
Your H has some serious underlying issues that really need to be addressed and brought out in the open. If not, its going to possibly be a viscious cycle.

Im sure you're a strong woman, just don't play into any of his games and get the help you both need.

I wish you the best in getting through this. Infidelity is so damn painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitkatmebk (Oct 16, 2010)

My H states that he really wants us to work things out and stay together. I've pretty much decided that I need to move on. Our relationship was not going well for the past 4 out of 5 yrs of marriage. We had been in couples therapy for almost 3 of those years trying to figure out how to communicate and find that "spark" again. We haven't had any intimacy in over 4 yrs and it has made me very distant and angry. My H has his own reasons why he's not attracted to me or doesn't desire me anymore. So, if we do work things out, who's to say that the other problems I just mentioned doesn't just disappear. As for contacting the OW, my opinion says he's still contacting her every night. How do I know? I'm not an idiot but he thinks I am oblivious to this. He's still a friend with her on FB and they comment on each other's blogs. It just makes me so ILL to know that this is still going on. As for me staying in the house, it's a gift from his deceased parents that came from a trust when they died and passed it onto him. We went through 2.5 yrs of hell renovating 75% of our/his home. Seriously, I don't really care about the house, there's plenty more out there that I can call my own. 

I'm just in a stuck mode of where do I go from here and be happy at the same time. 

Thanks for your replies. They really do matter and help me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If OW is married, tell her husband/boyfriend.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, if your husband is still communicating with the other woman, it doesn't sound as though he is 100% on saving the marriage either. The only suggestion I can think of at this point is to say try a different therapist. And, of course, your husband would have to stop all contact with the OW.

Wish you the best with your situation.


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