# 3 things that make you feel loved



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I would like to know from the men here, 3 things (or whatever you got!) that a woman can do/say/give that make you feel loved and like there is no place you would rather be than with your significant other.

I think this would be very helpful to me and possibly other women here. I tend to love the way I want to be loved and expect my husband to show me love the same way. But that is unrealistic. Please be specific if you can....for example, I know many men feel loved when they feel respected....but what makes you feel respected?

Would greatly appreciate your input on this.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Preeminently, their empathy! It absolutely speaks volumes about them!*


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

arbitrator can you give me an example....what specifically does/can she do/say that makes you feel her empathy? This is so helpful for me.....thank you!


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Empathy is simply the process of wanting and ultimately coming to know the mindset of another's feelings, without the exhibition of any concealed or secretive prejudice in that regard!*


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

It is interesting. DH and I have been through a low grade rough patch recently. In one of our WTF is going on discussions, we realized that when things are going wrong, we don't know how to show how much we love in a way that will make the other really feel loved. This after 20 years of marriage. I guess the conversation and the realization was enough for now. When things are going well, everything from a cup of coffee delivered to a meal planned that the other likes to ... really anything feels like love. 

Sure as hell this response was not helpful. Sorry.


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Wrong! Your response was very helpful....to hear that other people struggle with this too. It is often the little things as you mentioned, "a cup of coffee" or as arbitrator mentioned empathy.....thoughtfulness expressed in genuine ways. 

Is it really as complicated as we sometimes think? Yet I am sitting here trying to remember when I last showed genuine empathy to my husband or did something "just because"....

One of the reasons I made this post is because this is something i struggle with often. My husband, for lack of better wording, is a very masculine male (not "vaginized" as I heard the term used somewhere here) and I am a very feminine female. I love being a woman and I love to please him. I have done tests like "love language" which was good only in the sense that it showed me that I need a lot of physical touch and reassurance in order for me to feel loved. For my husband, most of the options in the questionnaire didn't apply to him...meaning neither option he was given was an option (ex. do you wish your wife would 1) hug you more or 2) send you random love notes or emails).....my husband does not need either. He shows love through his actions...cooking a meal for me, buying a kitty condo for our cats (when he was never raised with pets and the hair makes him sneeze!)....when he feels I don't appreciate those things he feels frustrated because this is how he shows love...so by not showing appreciation for those things he feels I am rejecting his love. meanwhile I am busy complaining that he doesn't hug me as much (the way I feel loved) and as if he loves me less when he doesn't. I just think that maybe couples should ask each other what it is that makes them feel loved and do that 100 fold! 

I want my husband to be happy when he comes home. I am not the greatest cook, and he is very particular about his food so he takes care of that so I try to do other things to compensate and would really love hearing from men about what makes them want to come home everyday? This is invaluable to me...


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Oh phoey. Anyone can be a fantastic cook. PM me for tips and lessons. If I can teach my husband, I can teach you!

The most helpful thing about the love language quiz for me was being able to HEAR him when he was speaking his to me. I could recognizing he was speaking love at me, even if it was not the way I would normally want to receive it.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I suppose everyone knew this was on the way, but when my x wife wanted to have sex and was enthusiastic about it, I felt loved. Enthusiasm doesn't mean she had to do cartwheels, but just that look in her eyes that let me know she was into it.

I know many will say sex isn't all there is to a marriage, but a marriage without sex isn't too much either. When she didn't seem into sex, it made me feel like she didn't want me. Personally, that was how i wanted to be wanted the most. Other positives didn't matter much if the sex was low key. 

She could have said I was the most handsome guy in the world, best breadwinner, best father, best this and that, but if she didn't want to have sex with me, there was a big chunk of me that felt unwanted and unloved.

As for three things, as long as the sex was enthusiastic and often, everything else was ok with me.


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Notes, just small ones. In a bag on a trip, in your car. just small tokens now and then.

TELLING a man he's good, caring, IF that's the man you have

Initiating anything once in awhile, fun, something he likes, sharing a dream with him in it.


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

southbound I find it sad that men seem to actually feel guilty or like there is something wrong for saying that sex is important in their relationship. I completely understand what you are saying. I know, whether right or wrong, my husband will use sex as a way to gauge how good things are. If it has been one of those days where he may be feeling unappreciated I find he becomes more sexual, and based on my response (which is always good if I am going to engage) its as if he says "ok...all is good!". My husband always tells me that women complicate things too much....that what it takes to make a man happy is actually very simple, and you just proved that point. It's just sometimes hard to grasp when your feminine "essence" is the polar opposite. But understanding these differences is a huge help for me. Thank you!


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

LBHmidwest so the key is "short" notes....not long drawn out letters expressing every inkling of a feeling kind of thing? Just short, sweet to the point?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband assumed for years that certain actions he took were his way of showing his love for me. Well he was right. They were HIS way of showing HIS love, but they didn't communicate love to me. They were kind and considerate, but they didn't speak to me in my language.

So yes it was fabulously considerate of your H to buy that Kitty condo for your cats. But if little gifts and considerate actions aren't your primary love language, his action didn't speak to you of LOVE but of kindness.

It took my husband a long time to understand this and he still forgets.

It doesn't mean much to me when he brings me coffee in the morning, but sits on the other end of the sofa to watch TV. He could sit close and cuddle and skip the coffee and I'd be happier.

If he knows your love languages he should be doing them. If you know his, you should be doing them.


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

NobodySpecial (I have to say I dislike writing your username because I can already tell you are someone very special!) I think I just may take you up on your offer for cooking. I feel like a failure not being able to make something great for him to come home to....but he is soooooooo picky! 

I realize I also don't "hear" my husband without trying to filter it first through my female brain. What I am learning is that with men you don't need to filter. Its harder for most men to express themselves in general so when they do it, we should not condemn them for not saying it the 'right way" or how we would say it. What's the incentive for them to continue opening up with us if we keep finding fault in something that doesn't come easy for them right?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

BackwardFizz said:


> NobodySpecial (I have to say I dislike writing your username because I can already tell you are someone very special!) I think I just may take you up on your offer for cooking. I feel like a failure not being able to make something great for him to come home to....but he is soooooooo picky!


What kinds of stuff does he like?


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

BackwardFizz said:


> southbound I find it sad that men seem to actually feel guilty or like there is something wrong for saying that sex is important in their relationship. I completely understand what you are saying. I know, whether right or wrong, my husband will use sex as a way to gauge how good things are. If it has been one of those days where he may be feeling unappreciated I find he becomes more sexual, and based on my response (which is always good if I am going to engage) its as if he says "ok...all is good!". My husband always tells me that women complicate things too much....that what it takes to make a man happy is actually very simple, and you just proved that point. It's just sometimes hard to grasp when your feminine "essence" is the polar opposite. But understanding these differences is a huge help for me. Thank you!


I'm glad you found my post helpful. I don't know that I'm the measuring stick for all men, but for quite a few I've encountered.

You spoke of feeling guilty for wanting sex; I suppose that comes from my x wife and the 18 years i spent with her. Sex was never a huge need for her, so, she always acted as though i was just a weirdo for wanting sex on a regular basis. She acted as though it were a bit dirty, even though we were married. So, I started to feel like sex should go at the bottom of the list in needs and that perhaps I was just making too much out of my desires.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

southbound said:


> I'm glad you found my post helpful. I don't know that I'm the measuring stick for all men, but for quite a few I've encountered.
> 
> You spoke of feeling guilty for wanting sex; I suppose that comes from my x wife and the 18 years i spent with her. Sex was never a huge need for her, so, she always acted as though i was just a weirdo for wanting sex on a regular basis. She acted as though it were a bit dirty, even though we were married. So, I started to feel like sex should go at the bottom of the list in needs and that perhaps I was just making too much out of my desires.


Was she raised religious? I was and can understand what it must be like to go from how you are a chalice of morality to ok now it is expected of you simply because you spent an hour at the alter. What a mind ****!


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> Was she raised religious? I was and can understand what it must be like to go from how you are a chalice of morality to ok now it is expected of you simply because you spent an hour at the alter. What a mind ****!


Yes she was raised religious, but so was I; we are the same religion. The sexual taboos are probably like most religions: no premarital and no adultery stuff, but I always considered marriage to be the green light. I would feel "dirty" if I were sleeping around or using a prostitute, not having sex with my wife.


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

BackwardFizz said:


> LBHmidwest so the key is "short" notes....not long drawn out letters expressing every inkling of a feeling kind of thing? Just short, sweet to the point?


My wife left me so I'm probably wrong... but for me finding a note in a bag when I'm traveling or something like that is just... so nice.

Doesn't have to be long, just heartfelt.

"Hun, I and the kids miss you so much when you are gone. Get home safe and I hope the trip goes well. I love you."

Maybe my next lady will surprise me once in awhile.

Notes are the most powerful thing on earth to people. Think how long you've probably held on to notes that are important to you. Overdid, they aren't effective, but now and then... powerful.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

BackwardFizz said:


> I realize I also don't "hear" my husband without trying to filter it first through my female brain. What I am learning is that with men you don't need to filter. Its harder for most men to express themselves in general so when they do it, we should not condemn them for not saying it the 'right way" or how we would say it. *What's the incentive for them to continue opening up with us if we keep finding fault in something that doesn't come easy for them right?*


Excellent point! Need to remember this even when what is said makes us feel less than loved, often in the remembering of this we will feel loved.



southbound said:


> You spoke of feeling guilty for wanting sex; I suppose that comes from my x wife and the 18 years i spent with her. Sex was never a huge need for her, so, she always acted as though i was just a weirdo for wanting sex on a regular basis. She acted as though it were a bit dirty, even though we were married. So, I started to feel like sex should go at the bottom of the list in needs and that perhaps I was just making too much out of my desires.


That is really sad. 



southbound said:


> Yes she was raised religious, but so was I; we are the same religion. The sexual taboos are probably like most religions: no premarital and no adultery stuff, but I always considered marriage to be the green light. I would feel "dirty" if I were sleeping around or using a prostitute, not having sex with my wife.


But she was raised as a female in religion while you were raised as a male in religion. I have often heard women call the 6 weeks after having a baby their "vacation" cause they don't "have to" have sex, it's been said more than once in church buildings and no one bats on eye but they all laugh. We were taught we are supposed to give it begrudgingly, makeing those of us who like it and have higher needs than our husbands feel messed up.



LBHmidwest said:


> Notes are the most powerful thing on earth to people. Think how long you've probably held on to notes that are important to you. Overdid, they aren't effective, but now and then... powerful.


Sure tell me this now, just after dropping my husband off at the airport. . Actually I was gonna right a note I just forgot, getting him together took all my energy. It doesn't rate high on my list partially cause I know I care about notes and cards far more than he does.

As for your wife she may have had mixed feelings about you going. If things were always stressed between the two of you maybe she was glad to have the peace. Or maybe she thought you were glad to get away and she would just look pitiful saying "I miss you".


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> It doesn't mean much to me when he brings me coffee in the morning, but sits on the other end of the sofa to watch TV. He could sit close and cuddle and skip the coffee and I'd be happier


:smthumbup:



BackwardFizz said:


> southbound I find it sad that men seem to actually feel guilty or like there is something wrong for saying that sex is important in their relationship. I completely understand what you are saying. I know, whether right or wrong, my husband will use sex as a way to gauge how good things are. *If it has been one of those days where he may be feeling unappreciated I find he becomes more sexual, and based on my response (which is always good if I am going to engage) its as if he says "ok...all is good!". *My husband always tells me that women complicate things too much....that what it takes to make a man happy is actually very simple, and you just proved that point. It's just sometimes hard to grasp when your feminine "essence" is the polar opposite. But understanding these differences is a huge help for me. Thank you!


The bold can be a female response too. 



NobodySpecial said:


> It is interesting. DH and I have been through a low grade rough patch recently. In one of our WTF is going on discussions, we realized that when things are going wrong, *we don't know how to show how much we love in a way that will make the other really feel loved. *This after 20 years of marriage. I guess the conversation and the realization was enough for now. When things are going well, everything from a cup of coffee delivered to a meal planned that the other likes to ... really anything feels like love.
> 
> Sure as hell this response was not helpful. Sorry.


It is amazing the things we learn after all these years. I really think that is what it often boils down to for us too, we do not know how to *show* that love. Or we forget to see it. 

I personally feel our love language is easier to tell when we feel it lacking. We may not think we REALLY need those hugs but take them away and we're a mess.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

1) Compliments. I think it's assumed men don't need them as much as women, but I didn't think much of myself when I was younger so hearing them is a real boost to me. To hear that I am good looking, sexy, a good father, manly, funny, talented, or whatever always makes me feel better.

2) A nice meal ready when I come home -- I know this one sounds old-fashioned and sexist, but I love coming home to a nice cooked dinner ready to eat. She can't always do it with time constraints, but when she can it gives me a nice warm feeling.

3) When she thinks of me and buys me a little extra thing she knows I'd like -- again, this sounds like a thing women are supposed to want, but it makes me feel good too. She knows I'm really into my coffee, and the other day she saw some new fancy coffee that's nicer than the stuff I usually buy and brought it home for me. That made me feel thought of and loved.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LBHmidwest said:


> My wife left me so I'm probably wrong... but for me finding a note in a bag when I'm traveling or something like that is just... so nice.
> 
> Doesn't have to be long, just heartfelt.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the tip! I am going to put a note in his gym bag tomorrow.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I was not exactly going for "love" with this, but it apparently had that effect as well. Many years ago, I had to pick my husband up at the airport after a business trip. I came in a coat and shoes. And stockings. He had to endure the entire hour ride home!


----------



## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I was not exactly going for "love" with this, but it apparently had that effect as well. Many years ago, I had to pick my husband up at the airport after a business trip. I came in a coat and shoes. And stockings. He had to endure the entire hour ride home!


Are you implying that is all you had on? No shirt, no pants? No undergarments? OMG .. that is such a treat. That would make him scream with joy.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

1. Having meaningful conversation and not being afraid to peel the onion a bit.

2. Being spontaneous and suggesting something enjoyable to do with one another. Something out of the norm.

3. Putting me ahead of her "besties".


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*1. Finding a hidden "love-note" tucked away in my brief case or even my officiating bag!

2. A text telling me that she can't wait for me to get home!

3. And upon arriving home, a steaming hot bath already drawn, and an icy glass of JD Black and Ginger Ale sitting by the bathtub! And the "Drawer of the Bath" tenderly putting her arms around my neck, drawing me in for a lingering kiss!*


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

RClawson said:


> 1. *Having meaningful conversation and not being afraid to peel the onion a bit.*
> 
> 2. Being spontaneous and suggesting something enjoyable to do with one another. Something out of the norm.
> 
> 3. Putting me ahead of her "besties".


:iagree:


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

BackwardFizz said:


> LBHmidwest so the key is "short" notes....not long drawn out letters expressing every inkling of a feeling kind of thing? Just short, sweet to the point?


Yup, sticky notes in my lunch sack. Mean the world. Little things like "We love you", "We'll get through this", "Good luck" etc.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

1. Communication, with focus and attention solely on me, not on the 6000 other things she thinks she needs to be doing.

2. Sex, with focus and attention solely on me, not on the 6000 other things she thinks she needs to be doing.

3. ANY kind of contact with me, sexual, verbal, written, etc that lets me know she's thinking of ME, not the 6000 other things she thinks she needs to be doing. (texting me to pick up eggs does not count).


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just asked my husband ...the 1st thing he said was...

*1)*.. "you're wanting to spend TIME with me"......he feels the same way with the kids, he mentioned that too...like when daughter wants to watch a movie with Dad or go along for a ride...playing a game..talking to him... he feels loved.. Same with me, my enjoying his company, wanting to be around him... sharing my day...the TIME can flow over into so many areas really.. 

He added...*2)* ..."When I do stupid things, you don't get really upset with me"....this seems such a silly answer to me -as he hardly does anything stupid at all..he is very responsible & I can't even think of an instance!.... (he told me to scratch that but he didn't replace it with another answer)..
He said he didn't want to say







cause it will sound bad... like that is all he wants... but really that was in the top 3...like most men..

*3)* My showing DESIRE for him in all the ways I do...this encompasses so much more than "just sex"...this would be enthusiasm , through words / touch.. the emotional connection , the afterglow.... honestly his 2 answers are the Same as MINE! 

When I do stupid things (and I am surely more guilty over him).. he pretty much laughs at me.. and I love that.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

1] Sex, sex, sex (but only in recent months has she started 'allowing' herself to moan during.

2] Using me to both comfort and protect her (even if just playing) I get a HUGE ego boost!

3] Thinking of me and doing something that shows me she put my happiness before her own... I like to do this for her often. So when she does it for me... I get instantly happy!

**BONUS** Anytime she will stop and gaze into my eyes. Even if we are just playing, fighting, yearning... I just melt at her gaze.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Well said dsGrazzl3D :smthumbup:


----------



## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

I'd go with 1) Recognition/Appreciation I heard it described once that there is a very masculine trait to want to slay dragons. To be the hero. Being an accountant... isn't quite so glamourous - but it's accomplishing the same thing. Being held up as a hero who is dealing with all of the idiots at work, just for her... makes me super effective and eager to deal with those idiots. The opposite of this would be complaining that there isn't enough.

2) Importance. I know that the house is hectic as all get out, and there are a billion things to do. But to be greeted at the door when I get home tells me that I'm more important than all of those little annoyances. If she takes the time and effort to look nice to meet me, I feel like superman.

3) Trust. Sometimes, it's super nice to be handed a problem, and have her walk away without a word of advice or instruction. Just an expectation of relief that it's going to be handled, because it was given to me. I'm free to solve the problem however I see fit (and frequently can be quite surprising) and that trust and autonomy feels great.


----------

