# "What are you looking for?" asked by someone you're dating



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The thread dating advice made wonder about the above question.

I am curious as to when men ask that question, are they asking because they are serious and want to know if the woman is? Or they asking to see how much a woman shows her hand, so to speak.

Women, when you ask the above question, what are you hoping to learn? and how do you plan to use that info?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

strange......


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If a woman asked me what I was looking for, I would simply say I wasn't. Looking that is.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think its difficult to know without knowing the person. I could be a very reasonable question: some people are looking for potential long term partners, others for casual fun, some just for sex. If everyone is honest, things will work better for all concerned.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It seems as if I didn't encounter the "What are you looking for?" question before my first marriage in 1992. Maybe that's because the idea of women being "just friends" or "just FB / FWB" had not gained so much currency. I guess back then when people dated the intent was to find an exclusive partner for the LT or to marry.

I remember distinctly being asked that question by Mr. Trying to dress up Companionship as the Marriage Track. I told him that I was looking to remarry. He did the marriage rhetoric asking me if I hope to have children still (I was in my early 40s then) and then as he regularly called my sister, he seemed to get her riled up to believe that he was on the marriage track. 

The side show here is that I had to come tot terms with the fact that my sister saw herself competing with me in dating. So while the guy took me on nice dates and she was dating a guy who firmly believed in 50/50, she became this guy's cheerleader in saying if I don't hurry up and marry him, then I am using him. 

I suppose the side show is significant here since it highlights how someone's behavior can be exacerbated -- wittingly or unwittingly --. I would have preferred to have dated this guy on my own not with my family breathing down my neck and on his side as he claimed "to be on the marriage track." 

The fact that he stayed in touch with my sister says to me that was part of his plan. So one new requirement that I had of someone that I was dating seriously or at all was that the guy needed to want to stay arms length from my family. And that is what my husband is like.

I have often wondered whether this a Black (American) thing. That is, men who try to date the family as much as the woman in order to get the upper hand (ie, My parents were so worried that I would never remarry because all the "good" black men marry white women and no one wants to marry a black woman........). Well, I guess this is the place to ask.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I hated it when my boyfriends sucked up to my family. It made breaking up that much harder. Of course, that was the purpose of the sucking up.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> I hated it when my boyfriends sucked up to my family. It made breaking up that much harder. Of course, that was the purpose of the sucking up.


With that guy that I mention above, I had the laast laugh. After we broke up, he came around 2 years later. The break up was nasty between us. He made a couple of sexual insults to me (ie Your kitchen smells like fish; Your hallway smells like sex) I guess it was cold outside for him.

He showed up at an event that he knew I would reasonable attend as I was an active member of the group. He asked me if we could see each other "but just a s friends." Ooh dear, I thought. The first thought was yeah, so I can hear my family detail my life as result of him. And here he thought pandering to the family was going to give him the upper hand.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> I hated it when my boyfriends sucked up to my family. It made breaking up that much harder. Of course, that was the purpose of the sucking up.



How often did that happen to you?

I can think of 3 relationships in which my sister chummed up with guy; took his calls; repeted them to me; gave me advice that was not always to my advantage; sides with the guy ie "You're acting right......."

Of all the white and black guys that I ever dated, all 3 of these guys were black. So it makes me wonder if it's a black thing. My sister has tried to be chummy with my current husband (white) but it hasn't worked. When she has contacted him directly, he's told me about it and I respond so she has stopped doing it.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I would think the person was making typical conversation wondering if our short/long term objectives were in sync. 

The question itself wouldn't bother me at all if asked but I'm not sure I would ask it. I don't think it takes too long to figure out a person's intentions, and sometimes we change our intentions accordingly.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> How often did that happen to you?
> 
> I can think of 3 relationships in which my sister chummed up with guy; took his calls; repeted them to me; gave me advice that was not always to my advantage; sides with the guy ie "You're acting right......."
> 
> Of all the white and black guys that I ever dated, all 3 of these guys were black. So it makes me wonder if it's a black thing. My sister has tried to be chummy with my current husband (white) but it hasn't worked. When she has contacted him directly, he's told me about it and I respond so she has stopped doing it.


How often? I'd say a good 75% of the time. It was the '60s so parents more or less expected it. The biggest suck-up? My late husband.:grin2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

When I ask the question, I’m genuinely trying to gauge where they’re at and what they want both now and in the future. I ask it to see if our viewpoints match.

I’ve had this asked to me, and usually feel that the man who asks is trying to gauge how quickly he can get my pants off.

All told, honesty is a big player in the answer, and most men I find, aren’t honest; they just want to rope a woman into a romp in the hay, and are willing to say pretty much anything to get a woman there.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The whole "what are you looking for" question doesnt bother me, I would rather have it all out there from the get go. If asked, I always state that I am looking for something serious. If I ask it, its because I need to know if a man is only dating casually or just looking for friendships/FWB, because I dont fit into that so prefer not to waste my time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> How often did that happen to you?
> 
> I can think of 3 relationships in which my sister chummed up with guy; took his calls; repeted them to me; gave me advice that was not always to my advantage; sides with the guy ie "You're acting right......."
> 
> Of all the white and black guys that I ever dated, all 3 of these guys were black. So it makes me wonder if it's a black thing. My sister has tried to be chummy with my current husband (white) but it hasn't worked. When she has contacted him directly, he's told me about it and I respond so she has stopped doing it.


Wow, this is crazy! I cant imagine my sister chumming up to the man I am dating! I would be livid! (white, btw....)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I dont think I was ever asked this question, nor would I ever ask it.

Were I to be asked, I would respond with,
"I have no agenda. Do you?" 

An easy out, is by responding with what you aren't looking for.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Deejo said:


> I dont think I was ever asked this question, nor would I ever ask it.
> 
> Were I to be asked, I would respond with,
> "I have no agenda. Do you?"
> ...


Some people do have an agenda, though.

Some people know they are looking for something casual only and not *any kind* of committed relationship.

I'd sure want to know if what I was seeking was aligned with someone else's before getting sexually involved.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Deejo said:


> I dont think I was ever asked this question, nor would I ever ask it.
> 
> Were I to be asked, I would respond with,
> "I have no agenda. Do you?"
> ...


I agree with @Livvie's reply. Some folks know what they're looking for (i.e., have an agenda). If someone replied with your response @Deejo, I would assume they're looking for FWB, or just something really casual. Or, that they're just really bad at communication and like to dodge certain subjects.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

When asked that by a woman the only correct answer for the moment, is "you".

😘😘😘


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Actually a follow up question on this topic can be;

how many times have you been on a date, or even the first meeting, and been asked this same question?

It's not really a new, unique question. But each time it's asked, it bears the most respect and importance it can get, because it's the first time that person asked you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

The question doesn't bother me as I'm usually asking the question. 🙂

As others have already mentioned, I would rather be with someone who's seeking the same end goal.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Deejo said:
> 
> 
> > I dont think I was ever asked this question, nor would I ever ask it.
> ...


This has been my experience as well. Usually "let's see how it goes" or any other sort of evasive language is code for "sex only". I don't know why they don't come out and say that though.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> This has been my experience as well. Usually "let's see how it goes" or any other sort of evasive language is code for* "sex only". I don't know why they don't come out and say that though.*


Really??
Don't think would work out in 90% of the cases. 
The other 10% might ask for money up front.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ursula said:


> I agree with @Livvie's reply. Some folks know what they're looking for (i.e., have an agenda). If someone replied with your response @Deejo, I would assume they're looking for FWB, or just something really casual. Or, that they're just really bad at communication and like to dodge certain subjects.


Which is fine ... but you would be wrong. 

Call me crazy, but when exactly does one ask this question?

From my perspective, this became self evident through actually dating and interacting. If I could scare you off through the answer I gave above on say, date 5 ... in my mind you are looking for an outcome rather than being interested in me.

In my opinion, it's just the wrong approach. It is totally NOT chill. But I understand that most folks are results oriented when it comes to dating. 
Me? I enjoyed the journey.

I posted previously I had that happen. Woman I really clicked with, and at about the 90 day mark, she made it clear she wanted to remarry. I made it clear that I had a hard time seeing that in my near future. 
That was the end of that. We remained friends. That was 6 years ago. I am now remarried. She is single and has pretty much given up on dating ... which again is fine. It just highlights that what you want and how you perceive what you want is subject to change.

My personal advice would be to get an answer to this question, without ever asking the question.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> When asked that by a woman the only correct answer for the moment, is "you".
> 
> ������


While seductively licking your lips.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Too vague of a question for me.

What am I looking for in regards to what? Life in general? Career? Sex? Hobbies? Spirituality/religion?

If you want to talk lets talk. But dont ask stupid sideline reporter type questions. "How do you feel coach"? Just after they won/lost the championship.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This isn't a question to answer in a serious manner on the first date. 

Not if one wants the date to avoid a possible crash, when it could go well.

The less said, is better. Always desire the woman to do the most talking. 

Be prepared to shore things up but on a first date it's a poor man who can't get a woman to open up a bit about herself and what's going on in her life. 

And that's what should be important to a man on a date. If things are to turn physical quickly she'll find a way to convey that. 

But whether it turns physical or not, if a man stays perceptive and shows compassion, littered with the truth that he's a little hardass at times, the date will go well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Here's a question for the women. On a date, first, second, when getting to know each other.

Do you like, appreciate, or don't like, when a man uses the term "sugar" or other light endearment when referring to you in a conversation? The caveat is: it's used very sparingly, correctly, and in a way that fits with the mood, not in a forced manner, and certainly not in a disrespectful way.

But in a way that flowed normally.

Yes, no, others?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > This has been my experience as well. Usually "let's see how it goes" or any other sort of evasive language is code for* "sex only". I don't know why they don't come out and say that though.*
> ...


I don't agree. There are plenty women out there who are only interested in a casual relationship. The casual relationship people can hook up with each other.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I would just be honest. 

"I've been looking for a boys axe similar to a Gransfors Bruks with a 19" handle. Slight curve to the wood with a decent sized pommel swell to keep the tool from slipping out of my hand while using it at full length. I just want a slightly wider head than the Gransfors offers. Also I'm not to big on paying $170 for this axe. So I've been trying to find all that I want for under $100."

Point being I wouldn't want to discuss a relationship in that specific of terms early on. I'm sort of a "things will work if they are meant to" type of person. Questions like that would be a red flag for me and scare me off. Also, who's to say the other person won't lie with their answer to get what they want? I personally don't see the point in this question.

Not to mention if she could respond with some suggestions on what a good option for me would be with that axe, we may have some stuff on common we could discuss further.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> Ursula said:
> 
> 
> > Deejo said:
> ...


I'll also add that I have dated men who gave me the let's see where it goes speech. However these same men were the ones who got mad at me when I kept our relationship superficial, non-exclusive, and Non sexual. Vagueness begets vagueness.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Here's a question for the women. On a date, first, second, when getting to know each other.
> 
> Do you like, appreciate, or don't like, when a man uses the term "sugar" or other light endearment when referring to you in a conversation? The caveat is: it's used very sparingly, correctly, and in a way that fits with the mood, not in a forced manner, and certainly not in a disrespectful way.
> 
> ...


I live in the south and am attracted to southern gentlemen. I'd know they weren't interested if they didn't use an endearment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm trying to get my head around this as a male.

Am I understanding that you would pass on a guy who you may have great chemistry with because he gives a non-affirmitive answer to this question, and the relationship fizzles out in a fun filled exciting year.

But ...

Would go for the guy who indicates he is looking for a committed LTR, only to realize that relationship also fizzles out after a year?

What's the difference? Serious question.

This can't be a north/south thing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And that's what I'm saying. 

I'm from the south and my answer to the question, a high number of times, was always "sugar, its you" in various forms.

I have a drawl that comes out, and those phrases when expressing sincere interest just come out. And women have as always said "I love the way you talk". 
But I always talk that way so just an unexpected perk.

I just wanted to take a room check, some women like it and it's normal, but others may say they're offended. Which to me would be a turn off.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deejo said:


> I'm trying to get my head around this as a male.
> 
> Am I understanding that you would pass on a guy who you may have great chemistry with because he gives a non-affirmitive answer to this question, and the relationship fizzles out in a fun filled exciting year.
> 
> ...


I don't know if you were directing this to me but I'll answer. It's not a binary thing. My goal is to find someone fun with whom I have great chemistry to enter into a long term relationship. I wouldn't bother entering into a LTR otherwise. But in general I wouldn't pass on the non committal guy so far as he's fun to date. however I wouldn't stop dating others. Our relationship would be superficial At best and I would stop dating him as soon as I found the fun guy with chemistry who wants a LTR.

And the difference is that with one there are long term expectations both can agree on and deeper discussions regarding common values etc... With the other it's just a passing thing and not to be taken seriously. Very superficial.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Deejo said:


> But ...
> 
> Would go for the guy who indicates he is looking for a committed LTR, only to realize that relationship also fizzles out after a year?
> 
> ...


You dont know until you actually get into the relationship and TRY it. At least you start out with the same goal. The man who is up front about not wanting to get serious, you either DONT try to proceed, so you dont waste your time, or you go ahead and get on board for what he IS offering, if you decide that you are up for just some fun. 

I have found most men I have dealt with, if they know you are looking for the real deal up front, they usually will bow out. They dont want to be bothered trying to connect if all they are looking for is casual, and for me that's more than fine.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I know a (scorching hot!!) man through my family who is 60 and now divorced. I've had a crush on him for decades. He's only interested in dating as a means to sex. He's not interested in any kind of committed, long term anything. No relationship. He's a bit dishonest as well, willing to act an act until he gets the goal (sex). He can be quite the charmer and act as though he's only interested in YOU.

This is helpful information.

If I didn't know this about him, what he was looking for (sex with no strings attached) and that he was a person perfectly happy to disappear at any point in time after acting to the contrary (to get sex) I could have fallen quite hard for him, had sex with him, then been ghosted. 

If actually asked, "what are you looking for"... maybe a glimmer of the truth would come out. Because not all women are interested in sex and then potentially never hearing from someone again!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I would just be honest.
> 
> "I've been looking for a boys axe similar to a Gransfors Bruks with a 19" handle. Slight curve to the wood with a decent sized pommel swell to keep the tool from slipping out of my hand while using it at full length. I just want a slightly wider head than the Gransfors offers. Also I'm not to big on paying $170 for this axe. So I've been trying to find all that I want for under $100."
> 
> ...


😁😁😁 if you could bring up you're pondering which axe to buy, on a first date, with all the details of said axe and uses, and the new woman didn't start to edge towards the door......

You're a better man than I gunga din. 

I'd pay to observe how it would go.

The axe story is funny right there.😉😉


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lila said:


> I'll also add that I have dated men who gave me the let's see where it goes speech. However these same men were the ones who got mad at me when I kept our relationship superficial, non-exclusive, and Non sexual. Vagueness begets vagueness.


Well good. Because in that case they're friggin' dopes.

I NEVER presumed exclusivity unless it was brought up and discussed.

To be clear, I never lied, or sought to lead anyone on. I operated under a 'do no harm' principle.
I was truthful. Consequently, being truthful sometimes meant pulling the plug, or having the plug pulled.

I think it is generally self-evident if someone wants to be in an exclusive LTR based upon the level of engagement, and communication.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Lila said:


> I don't agree. There are plenty women out there who are only interested in a casual relationship. The casual relationship people can hook up with each other.


I'm afraid you are all to right.
My exwife included. 
She's "Miss One Night Stand" for the mid 50's POF man next door.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833; if you could bring up you're pondering which axe to buy, on a first date, with all the details of said axe and uses, and the new woman didn't start to edge towards the door......
> 
> You're a better man than I gunga din.
> 
> ...


If on the first date she's asking what I'm looking for, she'll have to beat me to that door. That's a question bread from desperation imo. Something a single 36 year old would ask. The server hasn't even brought out the salads yet lady! Sheesh!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deejo said:


> Well good. Because in that case they're friggin' dopes.
> 
> I NEVER presumed exclusivity unless it was brought up and discussed.
> 
> ...


Kudos to you for being honest and upfront. I wish there were more people like you. 



> I think it is generally self-evident if someone wants to be in an exclusive LTR based upon the level of engagement, and communication.


I wish that were the case but as @Livvie mentioned above, it's not always so. Some people are just plain liars and will say / do anything to get what they want through any means necessary. Asking the question posed in the OP is one way to remove those not at all on the same page. Culling through what's left is based on intuition and yes, taking a risk.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Ragnar Ragnasson said:
> 
> 
> > ������ if you could bring up you're pondering which axe to buy, on a first date, with all the details of said axe and uses, and the new woman didn't start to edge towards the door......
> ...


Lol, it's commonly something asked in the pre date process, especially in the modern dating world of apparently never ending options. I have had that question asked of me by men looking for NSA sex and not interested in spending cash without a guarantee. It works both ways but luckily it helps people not waste time, energy, or money on something that's going nowhere.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It depends. One date asked me what I was looking for. I was looking for something serious that would lead into a possible future husband. My guess is that he wanted to know my intentions and be respectful of mine and his time. He wasn’t looking for something serious.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Lila said:


> Lol, it's commonly something asked in the pre date process, especially in the modern dating world of apparently never ending options. I have had that question asked of me by men looking for NSA sex and not interested in spending cash without a guarantee. It works both ways but luckily it helps people not waste time, energy, or money on something that's going nowhere.


Takes the adventure out of everything. Seems like people want to reduce their risks which is understandable. Idk, I see it as the cost of doing business myself. Plus people's desires change with the weather. I throw a $100 in a slot machine not expecting to win, but to have 30 minutes or so of play. If you're super safe, no risk taking, weighs out all options, calculates the path of least resistance always, we aren't a good fit to begin with. So that question would simply scare me off.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Takes the adventure out of everything. Seems like people want to reduce their risks which is understandable. Idk, I see it as the cost of doing business myself. Plus people's desires change with the weather. I throw a $100 in a slot machine not expecting to win, but to have 30 minutes or so of play. If you're super safe, no risk taking, weighs out all options, calculates the path of least resistance always, we aren't a good fit to begin with. So that question would simply scare me off.


And that's totally understandable. You wouldn't be compatible with someone who brought up the question. This still means the question serves it's purpose. It helps people not waste time with people who would be incompatible from the get go.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> If on the first date she's asking what I'm looking for, she'll have to beat me to that door. That's a question bread from desperation imo. Something a single 36 year old would ask. The server hasn't even brought out the salads yet lady! Sheesh!


"I dropped a penny", while looking on the floor. As I look up at her, "Would you like to split the bill"? 

Over, do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Edit: That, "before the first date" gives me the creeps.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> "I dropped a penny", while looking on the floor. As I look up at her, "Would you like to split the bill"?
> 
> Over, do not pass go. Do not collect $200.


Lol. A lot of girls would be happy to split the bill on a first date. Plus she responds with "if its on heads I'll get it for good luck!" With a smile on her face. 

That's why you carry cash. When the server brings the salads, ask for your entre to-go. Throw a hundred on the table, grab your doggy bag hit the door. :grin2: how mad could she be? She got a free meal out of it in the end.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Lol. A lot of girls would be happy to split the bill on a first date. Plus she responds with "if its on heads I'll get it for good luck!" With a smile on her face.
> 
> That's why you carry cash. When the server brings the salads, ask for your entre to-go. Throw a hundred on the table, grab your doggy bag hit the door. :grin2: how mad could she be? She got a free meal out of it in the end.


See, that's why I don't date. I'd end up somehow telling her something I had no clue about.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is one of the moments when I would rather read someone's actions than listen to their words. I have wasted my time being the rebound girl twice. But I don't think those two guys would have been honest that they may be broken up with the last one but they are still contemplating getting back with her. So, yeah, I'll understand it when you only see me intermittently because you 've decided to continue dating around.

No, a guy on the rebound is going to promise the world, the moon and the sun to make sure he's not lonely. And worrying about being dishonest is the furthest from his mind.

Additionally, even when I did say "I'm looking to get married" the unspoken part is "and I still get to decide whether that's you." But of course, some needy brat is going to accuse me of leading him on.

This is why I don't like these questions.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> > I hated it when my boyfriends sucked up to my family. It made breaking up that much harder. Of course, that was the purpose of the sucking up.
> ...


Its triangulation if manipulative, and its enmeshement if hes emotionally immature. People who don't understand this come from a family where communication was probably encouraged and appreciated. It's a form of control and or a way to express emotional needs to a 3rd party to avoid rejection directly. We're all trying to chain and conquer our demons with out hurting someone, at least most of us...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lila said:


> I'll also add that I have dated men who gave me the let's see where it goes speech. However these same men were the ones who got mad at me when I kept our relationship superficial, non-exclusive, and Non sexual. Vagueness begets vagueness.


Yup, this has happened to me too. I guess it's just a crapshoot and very individualized!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Yup, this has happened to me too. I guess it's just a crapshoot and very individualized!


It is. There is a cost/ benefit to being either a play it ear or non risk taker in dating. Nothing wrong with either but I do have a problem with the fence sitters - they claim to be one way but do not want to accept the costs associated with that decision.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I suppose if I were to answer the initial question, my qualifiers would be met before that first date. Most of my dating was online, using Match. I was on POF for all of 48 hours before I decided that was the dating equivalent of a Mad Max movie.

And I'm being honest here ...

Did she have a full body photo? Required. I recommend to anyone, male or female to include a full body shot. I have a story behind this.

Is she holding a 'little dog' in her profile photo? If so, disqualifier.

Is her profile more than 3 lines and actually has something to say?

Does her profile indicate strong interest in activities in which I have no interest? Cue the Harley and biker weekend fans, or animal rescue fans ... polite pass.

Kids? No kids?

Very committed religiously, spiritually seeking same?

Does she indicate how long she has been divorced/separated? This provides some insight into where her head is at. From my perspective, NOBODY that just comes out of a LTR should be looking to immediately jump back into one. From my perspective, this is where a lot of women get hurt when they first dip their toes back into dating. Everyone wants the affirmation that they are still desirable to someone, if they have just been hurt badly, and that is the water that a lot of 'looking for sex' guys swim in.

I guess upon evaluation, I suppose the 'what are you looking for?' question in my case was often addressed prior to meeting, or having to ask. Importantly I always tried to get to the date. I had no interest in wasting time on being pen-pals or extensively talking on the phone. After 3 points of contact, I asked for the date.

In general I was looking for someone that was active, physically fit, had a ready smile, great sense of humor, smart and appeared to have a high emotional IQ.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The irony here for me is that when I was direct and honest and told Post Divorce Guy (I gave him a name finally) that I am looking to remarry all he talked about was marriage. I guess to other his asking to move into my apartment -- which included making the move to my city --was enough show of commitment to others that he was ready to get married. (London is hardly a hardship post for anyone.)

One interesting thing missing, he never asked me to marry him. And as one guy pointed out to me, his offering to keep hold of his property in Big city on East Coast solely for my use, was his way of getting me to owe something so that he could live with me rent free. Men do know each other. 

My feeling is that one should be able to gauge by how they are acting. If a guy just wants sex, that's pretty easy. Look at the kinds of dates he offers. They take place mostly in his home. He constantly trying to get you to pay. And you don't meet his friends and family.

If a guy told you that he was serious about getting married, but still did the above, Would you believe him?


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