# VERY long, sorry, long term relationship with no sex at all ...



## SFX Group (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi

Sorry this is long, but needed to get all the details in… The below covers from 1999 to 2012 I am 39 male shes 36 female (as of 2012)

As i am sure she isn’t a "normal" woman with a "sex" drive, i want to get the view on this before i start plotting or planning there might be something wrong (her sister is lesbian)

We have been together since 1999 (we are both from the UK, where we met), her parents moved to Canada (originally from the UK), she married a guy to get out of Canada and back to the UK as hated Canada, he used her for money (she earned he spent) she wanted a child, she miscarried then was depressed, got in to Cats (still has her first cat) now 14 years on).

She was depressed, was drinking, then i came along to "help" her, sex was never on the cards, not to say we didn’t play, but we never actually did sex, we were both mid 20's then. I am biased towards Asperger’s Syndrome so social skills don’t really exist.

Due to my upbringing with parents being highly religious that put sex on the back burner, however she was getting back on her feet (drinking above), moved homes, i helped her, would be over her house every day almost, she didn’t really have any friends in the UK (as schooled in Canada from 12, she left there at 18). I am sure she is also partial Asperger’s syndrome to a point (after doing some tests online).

She was very protective at those times, as i worked in nightclubs as a lighting engineer she would get very upset if i got home past 2am (assuming i would see others), she would ask for sex sometimes (as I find out she still wanted a child) it appears out of need rather than “wanted” to do sex. When we played after first meeting she would say she doesn’t feel anything sexual in her boobs when played with

I collapsed 2005, fractured my skull which altered my personally abit, my parents died 3 months later, then she has a stroke (work stress) a year later which did damage her brain slightly.

We both decided to move (to Canada as her parents where hear (we are still here) as nothing is in the UK for us, this took from 2005 to 2009 to move, a lot of stress. 2008 she asked me to marry her (leap year), I said yes, which shocked her, we set a date of 2012 (see below why)

She really liked the idea of moving to Canada as her school friends are here, this is where the problem (which I am sure has always been there) started to show.

Now we are here, a lot of stress as living with parents, there was one female friend who she always talked to from the UK on the phone, facebook etc.. she gets here and will be out with her a lot, I got on with her husband (we went to the wedding early 2000’s. we flew over to Canada from the UK).

Her friend was very controlling, and as it turns out she didn’t really want to be married anymore (she had 2 kids), however this meant she was spending alto of time with her friend.

It came to a head when her friend and husband collected my partner (and deliberately didn’t collect me) and went away for a weekend to her friends parents, I went nuts over this. She said she didn’t feel comfortable about the whole thing, we got phones and agreed if this happened again we could contact (she was almost kidnapped to a point as it was a good 4 hour drive), her friend used her as a baby sitter it appears.

After she tells work colleges who agree that was very out of order of her friend to do she agrees to drop her friend, which she wasn’t happy about as she knew her from school.

Then I pointed out, she was more in a relationship with her friend than me, neither of us did sex with her, but she chooses to be with her friend almost all the time. This shocked her abit then realised it, work colleges agreed her friend was way out of line for taking her and not me. Shes never seen her again (she wasn’t happy about it), ive not checked to see if ANY contact has been made, however from what I hear on facebook it appears not, as her friend then put all her friends against her making her out to be the bad one.

I really believe she has never spoken to her again.

We now have our own place, and now as I can relax abit (in a new country etc..) I am now able to think more about sex, she just isn’t interested in sex (at least she says).

We have done sex twice (since we have been in Canada, about 3 months apart), it seems she didn’t enjoy it, the last time she “says” she had pain for 3 days, her statement doesn’t agree with the noises she was making, ive done sex before, she was actking like she very much enjoyed it (from what I can tell). She seemed to use “excuses” like we need our own place, we have our own place and it still hasn’t happened

Whenever I say things like “you look very attractive” I get “flattery will get you nowhere”, or “you look sexy” she will say “in your dreams”.

Now this is started to grate on me, not once has she ever said I look sexy or nice, never through any of the relationship (well ok, maybe ONCE)… so this leads me to believe this is really a convenience thing, she earns a lot of money and so do it.

However she has openly said “why can’t we marry as friends” which for me I have said I will not marry if you don’t want sex.

She sort of assumed I would do sex with her, which she was shocked when I said “I will not do sex unless you WANT sex” this was a first for her.

So, is this a case of abused around 18 (bad first relationship which she was married and was devoiced about 3 years later) a miscarriage then having cats like her kids (she admits to this), she gives them way more attention than me (have 3, one is orginal, the other had 9 years).

She doesn’t like me touching her sexually at all, she will hit my hand if I go near her boobs….. I am at a loss here, she wont seek help as she says “there’s no sex problem”, evidently not for her, however for me there is, she just isn’t interested. I have said this, which was met with “I have made a lot of sacrifices for this, are you not happy” which I answer, “not fully no”, then it sort of gets swept under the carpet.

I think these sacrifices will be, no child, resorted to no sex (early life problems), getting rid of her friend etc….

She has said (as you can see above) she isn’t interested in sex, so is it possible someone can want to stay in a “friends who don’t do sex” relationship and expect that to remain the case.

I will add we talked about moving to Canada once here, I had A LOT of problems, I sold my car to move (I loved my car), brought my 3 motorbikes which I cant ride here as insurance is 8 times more expensive than the UK, I had no car for 3 years (just replaced my car I sold in the UK, this is now 4 years later), not to happy as the house isn’t really liveable (no hot water since we moved in, and still none, was super cheap power of sale). Its more a fixer than a living house

She has said she is super happy here, she has said she didn’t want to tell me If I wasn’t happy I can move as she didn’t want to lose me, however seemed to be happy to let me go if I decided to move back to the UK.

This sounds like she just doesn’t “need” a relationship! Your input would be good?

I will add, if I split up, I will likely not find someone else (above Asperger’s Syndrome puts stop to that), so it looks to be destined to not find sex, I haven’t done sex much at all (nearly 40 now)… maybe done it 10 times in my whole life….

I look forward to some advice / comments, I don’t expect a fix, rather some outside input…


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This person is not looking for the same things as you in a relationship. You two are not compatible. If you stay together, just know she is using you as an emotional crutch and giving you nothing in return. You say you can't find anyone else, just because of the Aspergers, but that's not true; it may feel this way because you're still emotionally invested in her, but you can find someone else better suited to you, once you detach yourself and let her go, which might take a long time. 

I think you should break up with her and take care of you for a while. Figure out what you want in a relationship so that if you want to be in one again in the future, you can beware of people who wouldn't be good for you.

You deserve better than this treatment.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Bottom line is you're not compatible. I wouldn't go any further with this relationship.

You found her... why couldn't you find someone else? Staying together just because you don't think there is someone else out there for you is the wrong reason to stay together.


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## peterwilli (Aug 29, 2012)

This person is not looking for the same things as you in a relationship.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She wants to "marry as friends". Your touch repulses her, yet she wants to make a baby with you. She wanted a baby with the previous guy she allegedly couldn't stand. See a pattern? It isn't about love. It isn't about sex or passion or even common respect. I'm guessing she's getting security from you. Your job is to take care of her and I'm going to guess she doesn't spend a great deal of time tending to any of your needs.


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