# Asking out ex's friend



## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

My ex has a friend that he met about a year ago. They worked together and shared accommodation for a while and they seemed to get on very well. 

My ex left me a couple of months ago for another woman he'd been cheating with for a year. As far as I know the friend hasn't seen him since he left. I quite like this guy and was thinking about asking him out, even if it becomes nothing but a friendship.

Is that a big no-no? Would I be crossing some sort of boundary?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As long as he's not married or involved with someone else, I don't see the big deal. It might piss your ex off, but why would you even care?


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

No he's single. I don't care what the ex thinks, I'm more concerned as to whether the friend might feel some kind of 'loyalty' to my ex. I just wondered if it was one of those strange unspoken rules of men


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You won't know unless you ask


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ask him out. 

Grrrrab him! Take him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Ok I asked, he said yes 

In turn he asked me out to an event in a couple of weeks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did this guy know that your husband was cheating before you found out?


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Hmm. Yes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Did this guy know that your husband was cheating before you found out?





Phoenix Flame said:


> Hmm. Yes.


Hmm... Maybe rethink this.


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Hmm again.

Do you think he should have told me?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

This guys loyalty was to your ex, right or wrong it probably wasn't his place to tell you your ex was cheating. 

What do you really know about this guy? Do you have anything in common with him besides your ex? Or is it just an attraction?

I'm not going to say there's no possibility of things working out between you two, just steer clear of the common thread being your ex.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Ask him out.
> 
> Grrrrab him! Take him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Cooper said:


> This guys loyalty was to your ex, right or wrong it probably wasn't his place to tell you your ex was cheating.
> 
> What do you really know about this guy? Do you have anything in common with him besides your ex? Or is it just an attraction?
> 
> I'm not going to say there's no possibility of things working out between you two, just steer clear of the common thread being your ex.


Yes I was initially upset that he didn't tell me and confronted him. He told me he felt it wasn't his place to tell me and end up being the bad guy with his flatmates. I had a good long think about it and agreed with him. 

We do have things in common, but I confess I don't know a great deal about him, which is why I'd like to get to know him. All I know is that I enjoy his company when I'm around him, and he makes me laugh, which god knows I need right now. He seems a very happy upbeat person. Even if it goes nowhere I will be happy just to have the friendship.

Neither of us have mentioned the ex since I confronted him about the affair. I have been wary of the connection but he has never tried anything on me, he has kept back and always just approached me when I've seen him to say 'how are you doing'? It was me who asked him to share a day out together.

I'm a little bit paranoid now...I get the feeling you folks are trying to say something about his trustworthiness? I'm not sure..


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Phoenix Flame said:


> Yes I was initially upset that he didn't tell me and confronted him. He told me he felt it wasn't his place to tell me and end up being the bad guy with his flatmates. I had a good long think about it and agreed with him.
> 
> We do have things in common, but I confess I don't know a great deal about him, which is why I'd like to get to know him. All I know is that I enjoy his company when I'm around him, and he makes me laugh, which god knows I need right now. He seems a very happy upbeat person. Even if it goes nowhere I will be happy just to have the friendship.
> 
> ...


It's hotly debated on TAM whether a person should always tell a betrayed spouse when their partner is in an affair. Most of us here have been betrayed and would have loved to have been given a heads up but there are many who would stay out of it. Personally I don't know which way I'd jump, it would depend on who it is.

It could be argued that by not telling you when he knew you were being cheated on he was giving his tacit approval of the affair. It could also be argued that not having a problem with your ex cheating you puts his own fidelity into question.

It's up to you to decide if you want to risk it.


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

It sounds like the OP might be from the UK (ex:flat mate) and I think things are done a little differently over there than here in the good 'old USA. If he's someone who brightens her day (and who doesn't need someone to brighten their day after a divorce?) then I say go for it?


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## Phoenix Flame (Sep 14, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> It could be argued that by not telling you when he knew you were being cheated on he was giving his tacit approval of the affair. It could also be argued that not having a problem with your ex cheating you puts his own fidelity into question.
> 
> It's up to you to decide if you want to risk it.


He did tell me that he actually confronted my ex before I knew and told him that he can't keep doing it, that something needs to be done. My ex apparently said yes he was going to have a talk with me (which he didn't), and not to say anything to me.


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