# Men, do you feel taken for granted?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Was doing some thinking the other day about how my sexual history has gone, and I have rarely ever turned down sex. It has happened, but rarely. Maybe once every few years or so. Yet, when I do turn it down, the reaction I get is like my partner is completely insulted and hurt.

It seems to me that women (in general) think men should be ready to go always, and even that we think of sex all the time. Do you feel that your partner takes for granted you're willingness and ability to perform at the drop of a hat, and if so, does this bother you or do you like it?

It does bother me, mostly because it feels like a double standard.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I think I have felt taken for granted in the past. There was one time when SHE actually initiated twice in a row and was not happy about it. However, one reason I hadn't been initiating was because she had declined for what seemed like a whole season (no exaggeration). 

I'm trying to see things differently, though. I've been reading Athol Kay's work and have been attributing this behavior or mindset to her Body Agenda, which dictates that a guy must be ready at a moment's notice otherwise he is lowering his Value. I think it's messed up, but maybe I just need to get over it...


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

No, I don't.


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## WanderingTheDesert (Nov 15, 2012)

I definitely don't appreciate that I'm expected to accept rejection 75-90%, then if she initiates, I have to respond. It doesn't matter how tired, sick, or frustrated I am (primarily from serial rejection). I have to respond promptly, and with a smile, or I'm shut down for at least another week. BS in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

In all my relationships with women I've never felt taken for granted nor have I ever experienced any sense of a double standard.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

I have a pretty understanding wife in this regard to be honest. While she does not initiate (or at least what I call initiating) very often at all, when I do I am rarely told no. She will give it to me, granted I do not like having sex with her if she is not into it because part of the gradification for me is to make her happy. 

I do feel taken for granted of only because of my own actions. I did the normal do everything for her in life because that's what earns sex and now she counts on me for EVERYTHING and expects it. 

Just recently we had a talk and she is improving a little but when you are doing everything around the house, yard, etc while she works you do tend to get a little bitter and resentful if you are getting nothing in return.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Pravius said:


> I do feel taken for granted of only because of my own actions. I did the normal do everything for her in life because that's what earns sex and now she counts on me for EVERYTHING and expects it.
> 
> Just recently we had a talk and she is improving a little but when you are doing everything around the house, yard, etc while she works you do tend to get a little bitter and resentful if you are getting nothing in return.


How would you act if you weren't expecting sex to be given or withheld?


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

JoeHenderson said:


> How would you act if you weren't expecting sex to be given or withheld?


Well at this point I do not expect sex to be given, unless I ask. Her way of initiating is this weird mixture of kissing and cuddleing but she never takes it any further, she says it's weird and she can't. She has had a past of sexual abuse when she was young by her brother, so I think this maybe related somehow. This is also translated through sex as well, she never takes control. She always just let's me put her in the positions I want, she cannot orgasm unless she is in missionary and using her hand on her clitoris. It's dry... and boring 

If sex was being withheld (she used to do this passive agresssely joking) like "If you want a piece you will go to the store and get me X" In the past I have went along with it, which was the worst thing I could have done because she will still do that on occasion.

Bottom line is it makes me feel unwanted, hurt, and resentful.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I tend to agree. Us men are expected to always be ready when our gf/wife's are in the mood. It's okay for our other half to say no, or not tonight, maybe later, tomorrow, but I actually said no to my wife once. She had a shocked look on her face and was totally surprised. The next day, she tried even harder, nope, not in the mood, sorry. The next day she pretty much pulled me to the bedroom and did things she would normally never do and the sex was intense. Is there a bit of a double standard, yes. If I don't initiate, she usually never does.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't take my husband's desire for granted at all. I don't understand women who do. 

If one of us doesn't want to, which is pretty rare, that's fine with the other. No difference in expectation at all.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I tend to agree. Us men are expected to always be ready when our gf/wife's are in the mood. It's okay for our other half to say no, or not tonight, maybe later, tomorrow, but I actually said no to my wife once. She had a shocked look on her face and was totally surprised. The next day, she tried even harder, nope, not in the mood, sorry. The next day she pretty much pulled me to the bedroom and did things she would normally never do and the sex was intense. Is there a bit of a double standard, yes. If I don't initiate, she usually never does.


I almost wish I could pull that off. This thread seems kind of related to my thread (frustrated, bored). I've been finding lately that me being hard and ready is no longer an automatic. And I don't think my wife is very happy that she has to work a little for me to get up. But she doesn't react the way your wife reacted.....sad.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I almost wish I could pull that off. This thread seems kind of related to my thread (frustrated, bored). I've been finding lately that me being hard and ready is no longer an automatic. And I don't think my wife is very happy that she has to work a little for me to get up. But she doesn't react the way your wife reacted.....sad.


I've only said no to my fiancee once. She cried and locked herself in the bathroom. She thought I was no longer attracted to her, that she was ugly and that our relationship was possibly going to end. Not a word of a lie. 

My ex-wife would range from being disappointed to openly asking me if I was having an affair and getting my needs met elsewhere. I turned her down maybe a handful of times total.

I personally have not had a good experience with ever saying no to a woman in my life. I'm glad other women have been able to take in stride, sort of anyways.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I tend to agree. Us men are expected to always be ready when our gf/wife's are in the mood. It's okay for our other half to say no, or not tonight, maybe later, tomorrow, but I actually said no to my wife once. She had a shocked look on her face and was totally surprised. The next day, she tried even harder, nope, not in the mood, sorry. The next day she pretty much pulled me to the bedroom and did things she would normally never do and the sex was intense. Is there a bit of a double standard, yes. If I don't initiate, she usually never does.


Are you saying "no" out of spite? Because, for me, that's the only way I could ever bring myself to say no. I'm too happy that she initiated to do anything of the sort.

The one time I did say no, I got shot down for 6 straight weeks.


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## juicecondensation (Oct 11, 2012)

Most men never have to say "No" to their wifes because their wifes never initiate sex to begin with.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I know you asked the men, but I admit to taking a man's drive for granted in the past. It stems from the naive thinking that men are always ready and in the mood.... It's what some women were taught growing up, that all men want sex all the time so he won't turn it down, and it absolutely is a double standard, so yeah I was surprised when it happened.

I don't take my H for granted, however he has turned me down once or twice in the past. Although my feelings were hurt at the time, I now have a better understanding of a man's sexuality.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

juicecondensation said:


> Most men never have to say "No" to their wifes because their wifes never initiate sex to begin with.


Or they know if they don't say 'yes', it'll be another month before they get laid again.


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

ManUp said:


> Or they know if they don't say 'yes', it'll be another month before they get laid again.


:iagree:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Op is right! Many women DO think this....

Not sure why I thought that men are ALWAYS up for sex.... :scratchhead: ..... oh that's right! EVERY bloke I ever dated/had sex with told me this 

I've been known to get the pip when H has turned me down. It has probably happened less than half a dozen times in 26 years but i still feel rejected, unwanted, unloved... whahhhhhhh.....

All of which is why I don't turn him down...well not often!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The last three days in a row she's wanted it twice a day. Morning and night. 

And I have given it to her, even though once is enough for me. She knocks herself out for me and the kids. She felt rejected the few times in five years I have turned her down, and she flits about like a bird when she gets it - so take your pick. Happy spouse or rejected spouse. It isn't emotional blackmail. It's me wanting her to be happy. Plus it isn't exactly torture. Edit: She puts porn on the computer if I need any extra motivation, and she knows exactly what I like. This helps. 

I do not see it as being taken for granted. I know what I have, and it would be me taking it for granted by turning her down. She could be doing guys 1/3 my age and they'd be thrilled about it.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

When I was younger I was ready in a second.. as I get older it takes a little longer to stoke the fire. And there are those occasions I just dont' feel like 'performing'.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

juicecondensation said:


> Most men never have to say "No" to their wifes because their wifes never initiate sex to begin with.


Really? I had to say no just last night because I was exhausted. But I gave her a rain check to be cashed in tonight.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

It did bother me but we talked it over. 

Nobody is perfect.

I held resentment because she started to enjoy sex more and more and reach her "peak/prime". Hard to explain but that pissed me off, now all of a sudden she wants sex more and i am more than willing to give it to her. I mean at first i was thrilled then i felt taken for granted and upset that when i wanted it all the time she was not willing, although she would often offer to please me in other way's. 

I think men can easily hold resentment for this, they feel its unfair and they were placed second when it came to their wants/needs. Yet when their wives want the sex more he does not at all place her needs second.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> It seems to me that women (in general) think men should be ready to go always, and even that we think of sex all the time...
> 
> It does bother me, mostly because it feels like a double standard.


Tell me about it, I've put up with that BS for 4 years of marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I've never said "no" just to hurt her. I've only done that to see how she'd react, shoe on the other foot for once, and wow, she didn't like that. Funny how us men are to be okay with her saying no but we can't or we know better........heh. So I see it as a way women can control us and they know it. Maybe not maliciously but it's still being done and its control. See, if my wifee isn't in the mood for 1 month, my desire for sex is gone and then when she is actually in the mood, sometimes, although rare, I will pull the I'm not in the mood, maybe tomorrow.......


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> It did bother me but we talked it over.
> 
> Nobody is perfect.
> 
> ...


Maybe she felt taken for granted and upset when you wanted sex all the time and she didn't even though she offered to please you in other ways, maybe she felt her needs/wants (not to have sex) were placed second to yours at that time...

No one can win if everyone's keeping score.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Was doing some thinking the other day about how my sexual history has gone, and I have rarely ever turned down sex. It has happened, but rarely. Maybe once every few years or so. Yet, when I do turn it down, the reaction I get is like my partner is completely insulted and hurt.
> 
> It seems to me that women (in general) think men should be ready to go always, and even that we think of sex all the time. Do you feel that your partner takes for granted you're willingness and ability to perform at the drop of a hat, and if so, does this bother you or do you like it?
> 
> It does bother me, mostly because it feels like a double standard.


Short answer...yes. Long answer....also yes. Women are fed this line of b.s. from the time they are young...that guys need not but a stiff breeze to get them going and ready.

Let me say this...that may be true if you are "new" to us, and we are PRIMARILY, AT THE MOMENT, interested in just "getting laid".  However, if you don't bring "more to the table" than just this tired, old, b.s. crap that "all men want is sex", then that's likely all you're going to get from us.

Show us you're interested. Show us you KNOW we ARE about more than the next hole we can "stick it in", and endeavor to romance US and turn us on in the same way we try to do for you, and you'll likely see a side of us that will CONVINCE you that we are more than that.

Not much so pitiful as a woman who gets all "butt hurt" over being "turned down" or "rejected" when we may not be "in the mood", yet that same woman has no problem throwing out the rejections to us because they think less of us than what we are, and believe, that as women, that's "just the way it is".

Shoe...meet the other foot. Sucks, doesn't it?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We women are led to believe that men are up for sex anytime, anyplace. I've been guilty of getting upset when my husband wasn't 'up' for it. Because of the messages I got I blamed myself and took the rejection personally.

I'm older and wiser now. Stress, medications, being tired, age, boredom, etc. can all take it's toll on my husband. And it's not that he doesn't want to have sex it's that he just needs/wants to be seduced on those days. We communicate more openly now so it's no longer a big deal. I know it's not personal.

But to answer your original question I promise you my husband does not feel taken for granted. I work very hard to make sure he doesn't.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Was doing some thinking the other day about how my sexual history has gone, and I have rarely ever turned down sex. It has happened, but rarely. Maybe once every few years or so. Yet, when I do turn it down, the reaction I get is like my partner is completely insulted and hurt.
> 
> It seems to me that women (in general) think men should be ready to go always, and even that we think of sex all the time. Do you feel that your partner takes for granted you're willingness and ability to perform at the drop of a hat, and if so, does this bother you or do you like it?
> 
> It does bother me, mostly because it feels like a double standard.


Hm.

Double standard? Not really, I think. Being rejected hurts both ways, and having to do the rejecting is no barrel of laughs either. I'd have a hard time choosing which is worse actually. You need to own up to the fact that you are both failing here a little bit and (more importantly) that it isnt anyones fault and you are not being held to a higher standard. 

We (the wife and I) have been lucky and pretty well matched in the physical aspect of the relationship - which is a freaking blessing after reading threads around here... but I can remember maybe once... maybe twice where I wasnt in the mood... and I tell you - it was an odd situation for me. You feel a little bit of a failure and a little guilty and a little lame... and her not so subtle reaction didnt help. "fine!"  I'd have a hard time remembering more than a handful of times she rejected me (in 25 years). It is excruciating.

Ive read your posts, so I get a simple sense of where you are - and you are a bit oversensitive I guess if I may be so annoying. Stop with the performance anxiety, self loathing and victimization. All you can realy do is your best to get to the same sexual wavelength with her - and in my experience that just takes time. Years maybe. Is that so bad? Wallowing in how you are being held up to a double standard is getting neither of you anywhere.

Gads - I can think of much more less pleasant things to work on. If you dont feel like taking the third romp in a row (or the one).. just say so. Find other ways to ease the tension between you and make sure she is secure enough in therelationship to maybe let go of some of the over attachment if you think that is part of it. Stop picking at all these little wounds and fixating on the little things. Go long - you guys will find your level. Drop the insecurity - both of you. You need to do that.

Im probably totally wrong and unhelpful... just rambling.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Ive read your posts, so I get a simple sense of where you are - and you are a bit oversensitive I guess if I may be so annoying. Stop with the performance anxiety, self loathing and victimization. All you can realy do is your best to get to the same sexual wavelength with her - and in my experience that just takes time. Years maybe. Is that so bad? Wallowing in how you are being held up to a double standard is getting neither of you anywhere.
> 
> 
> Im probably totally wrong and unhelpful... just rambling.


Not at all. Thanks for replying.

I am a bit oversensitive, I agree. It's been that way for me for a long time. As a result, it leads to a lot of self-criticing, which is where the performance anxiety, self loathing and victimization comes in. It is something I've swayed back and forth on a lot in my life, especially the last 15 years or so.

That said, I am also curious regarding how general society feels about this topic. I do feel it is a double standard not so much for my own prticular case, but rather for how it seems man and women carry out this tango of rejection and reaction. 

For a man to reject a woman gets a frowned upon reaction, even from other men at times, while a women seems to be set free to simply say no and leave it at that. Yes, it varies for each individual case, such as your own, but even you admit your case is a blessing.

TV only reenforces this stereotype. I can't recall a lead female character on a TV show who is begging for her husband to come ravish her in bed (maybe Peg from married with Children, but I think that's a stretch even), but many shows have a Sam Malone type of male character, constantly chasing women down, whether they be one nighters or the characters own wife (who often begrudgingly trudges off to the bedroom after telling him no endlessly).

I guess I'm just frustrated by it in my own life and in life in general. I hate double standards of any kind, for both sexes.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)




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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

anotherguy said:


>


Nice pic.

That said, I believe you misinterpretted what I'm saying. I'm not taking advice from TV. I think anyone with a brain can see that Sam Malone is not the ideal person to follow the lead of, nor is Married with Children some ideal marriage to have. I'm simply stating that this double standard is only perpetuated throughout our society by our social media.

It's actually similar to that other thread about how women's magazines giving sex tips are arguably doing damage by creating an unreal expectation. The same would apply here, that men are simply sex hungry animals and women should only give in if they have too.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If there is a double standard, I think a lot of it comes from the way we are raised. Women are raised to say NO to sex by their parents - don't have sex, don't get pregnant, save it for marriage or the one you love! We are approached by men at parties, at bars, at work, everywhere, and we are expected to say NO! lest we be branded sl*ts and wh*res. Men, on the other hand, are lauded for chasing and getting sex whenever they can. High five!

So, everyone expects women to say no to sex. But we are never taught that men are supposed to say no to sex in any circumstance because we are taught (and see for ourselves) that men are the pursuers when it comes to sex. 

It doesn't surprise me if that social norm bleeds into marriages and it's seen as the norm that the man always wants sex and it's up to the woman to say no if she doesn't want it. We have little frame of reference when it's the other way around.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

norajane said:


> If there is a double standard, I think a lot of it comes from the way we are raised. Women are raised to say NO to sex by their parents - don't have sex, don't get pregnant, save it for marriage or the one you love! We are approached by men at parties, at bars, at work, everywhere, and we are expected to say NO! lest we be branded sl*ts and wh*res. Men, on the other hand, are lauded for chasing and getting sex whenever they can. High five!
> 
> So, everyone expects women to say no to sex. But we are never taught that men are supposed to say no to sex in any circumstance because we are taught (and see for ourselves) that men are the pursuers when it comes to sex.
> 
> It doesn't surprise me if that social norm bleeds into marriages and it's seen as the norm that the man always wants sex and it's up to the woman to say no if she doesn't want it. We have little frame of reference when it's the other way around.


Ditto for men. That goes both ways.

I more curious though as to why it seems fine for a women to say to sex and a man is expected to just accept it but some women almost view it as a massive insult when they get told no.

I mean, I understand that women will say no more then men will, in almost all situations. But why is it so hard for some women to just accept a no when it is handed out on occassion, usually not more than once a year.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Show us you're interested. Show us you KNOW we ARE about more than the next hole we can "stick it in", and endeavor to romance US and turn us on in the same way we try to do for you, and you'll likely see a side of us that will CONVINCE you that we are more than that.


The reverse can be said. Show us you're actually interested in sex and find us attractive too, and not just some annoyance you have to put up with or that sex with us is something you can "take it or leave it".


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

I don't necessarily feel like I've been taken for granted, but I _do_ feel that I have to do more. For example, a good deal of women want dynamic foreplay: petting, kissing, play with the boobs, touch their body, etc. In addition, we have to be in-tune with their emotional needs, which is a pain because I loathe the "guess what I'm feeling" game. Furthermore, as a man, I feel we have to acquiesce to their demands, otherwise we're considered insensitive jerks.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

There is a biological and logical reason for women to be more cautious about sex: they bear the cost of pregnancy and birth with certainty, whereas men do not.

So it is hardly a double standard. The fact is that women bear the babies and it would be stupid not to take that fact into account in their sexual behavior. Birth control is no guarantee, and abortions are fairly grave matters even if you are not opposed to them in principle. 

There can be a double-standard apart from that consideration, sure. But we can't ignore the biology.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Shes never turned me down in 37 years so no I really don't!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes... I’ve turned my wife down. I have also done it out of spite during my “hater” phase after her affairs and hyperbonding period. It is a total double standard. A decade of nearly sexless marriage, affairs, and she can’t handle a bit of rejection every now and again? She’s angry? Lol... I threw her own words back into her face; Get over it. 

Don’t get me started on the “going soft” episode where mind-movies of her with other men kinda killed things. I at first downplayed it... but she kept pressuring and wanting re-assurance that it wasn’t her fault or something she did wrong. Just isn’t “wise” to push a seriously triggering BH that way because they are likely to give you the real reason in not so nice terms... Bad times, bad memories. I could be cruel too... she taught me. 

But I look at the good side. Now, a few years later, she is recognizing that I am a hell of a lot more complex than she used to assume. She used to assume I’d accept anything thrown my way and by default I desired her; It just “was” and I doubt she ever thought she could destroy that. Ironic that she used to complain “that’s all you think about” and now it’s just old embers she has to stoke into a fire. So... She works at it now. She initiates, she’s more intimate, and she’s having to learn to express herself sexually. And this is working. Gone is the preflight checklist, the constant rejection, tantrums, etc. Sex is fun again for both of us.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Heck no, I don't feel I'm taken for granted. Even if I don't feel like having sex, I know how to please my women without even taking my pants off. Foreplay and teasing is my specialty so even when my wife doesn't get what she wants, "she is still satisfied." She told me this herself. 

(But then I realized it boosted my ego and made me want to have sex even when I wasn't in the mood, just to affirm my stud status ......wait a minute......was that part of my wife's plan all along? To use me as some sort of human sex toy??? Call the police I've been sexually manipulated by my wife. Tricky little minx) 

Seriously though, I'm a HD guy, so I have no real issues with being "taken for granted."


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> There is a biological and logical reason for women to be more cautious about sex: they bear the cost of pregnancy and birth with certainty, whereas men do not.
> 
> So it is hardly a double standard. The fact is that women bear the babies and it would be stupid not to take that fact into account in their sexual behavior. Birth control is no guarantee, and abortions are fairly grave matters even if you are not opposed to them in principle.
> 
> There can be a double-standard apart from that consideration, sure. But we can't ignore the biology.


I said that in my first post, that women will turn down sex more often.

My question about it being a double standard is the way rejection gets handled. Men are expected to just take it, while women seem to view it as a personal attack if they are told no.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Hm.
> 
> Double standard? Not really, I think. Being rejected hurts both ways, and having to do the rejecting is no barrel of laughs either. I'd have a hard time choosing which is worse actually. You need to own up to the fact that you are both failing here a little bit and (more importantly) that it isnt anyones fault and you are not being held to a higher standard.


Not a higher standard, but a different one. My wife has rejected me, and I am expected to be understanding that she is just not interested that day. No fun, but certainly understandable and one I am okay with. Yet if I reject her, it is taken as a statement about the relationship and my feelings about her. Even now, when I think our sex life has never been better, my rejecting my wife due to a stomach ache was cause for constant questioning to make sure that it was nothing else.

To argue that this is a nothing that should be overlooked is spoken like a person who by his own admissions has never really had to deal with this problem.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Of course we do. We live in America, the most feminized nation since the Victorian era. 

That'll change real quick once civilization melts into horror and chaos.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't think my husband has ever turned me down for sex, maybe once when I was going through this month long "f*ck me" phase when I was mad at him about something and I was wanting it like 3 times a day.

I don't think i'd become upset if he turned me down though. But I guess it would depend on how he went about it. If it was in a mean, dissmissive way, that's hurt my feelings for sure. If he just aid he genuinely wasn't in the mood for whatever reason, I'm sure i'd be fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> It did bother me but we talked it over.
> 
> Nobody is perfect.
> 
> ...


I think this is because women are conditioned to think men want sex all the time ANYWAY...I mean, "it's not like he's not gonna ask again tomorrow" mentality 

Because you "want it so much" it becomes less serious in many women's eyes. 

It's like a person who asks for water because they are thirsty one once a week vs someone who is thirsty every few hours. Eventually, you don't feel bad not giving them water every time they ask.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

ManUp said:


> The reverse can be said. Show us you're actually interested in sex and find us attractive too, and not just some annoyance you have to put up with or that sex with us is something you can "take it or leave it".


If the sex is bad, we can def take it or leave it. 

Sorry I couldn't resist :lol:


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Was doing some thinking the other day about how my sexual history has gone, and I have rarely ever turned down sex. It has happened, but rarely. Maybe once every few years or so. Yet, when I do turn it down, the reaction I get is like my partner is completely insulted and hurt.
> 
> It seems to me that women (in general) think men should be ready to go always, and even that we think of sex all the time. Do you feel that your partner takes for granted you're willingness and ability to perform at the drop of a hat, and if so, does this bother you or do you like it?
> 
> It does bother me, mostly because it feels like a double standard.


I think it is a double standard, only because for the most part men are more into sex than woman. I am being very general in this statement. I know from this forum and others than many women want sex and the husband is not satisfying their needs.

But over the years I have heard far more men complain about needing more sex than the ladies I have known. So when a guy gets a chance they will have sex. But as you age or other things can change that. In the 30 years with my wife I turned her down 3 times and she recalled each time.

I can not recall how many times she was not in the mood, to many to count. She at first took it as if she was offended as if I did not love her. That was not the issue, but she use to believe men or me should have been ready anytime she was interested. Most times I was, but health and stress related was why the only times I declined. 

As we aged and talked she better understood why men are not always pop the weasel.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This picture pretty much sums up the attitudes of the general public in regards to turn ons:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

We were in the middle of R. I traveled for 27 hours and crossed 10 time zones to see her. Before I left, I was fighting a fever which I think got up to 102.

When I got home, I was jet lagged, and not 'feeling fresh'.

My lack of interest from not immediately ripping her clothes off after a 2 month work seperation was that I didn't love her, I didn't want her and we should divorce.

Sigh.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

We both see 'rejection' as harsh, deferral as normal and fine. 

That said if we are both healthy, and one of us says 'I am taking you right now' then it happens right then.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tall, 
Does your wife think it is ok to reject you multiple times in a row? 

I only ask because I can't relate to the situations that some guys describe where they are getting shot down way more than half the time.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> This picture pretty much sums up the attitudes of the general public in regards to turn ons:


:iagree::lol::iagree::lol:


It's sad when our women can reject us for any set reasons, so many times over the years, you can't count but if we say no to her only a few times, she remembers and gets angry?! That is a double standard!!!

Many women do use their sex appeal, bodies, dress, makeup, to indirectly control their men (get more chores done, buy me something, do something for me, etc.) and some directly control them.

A former co-worker once told me, it's "the power of the *****" and women know this.

In the end, its usually the men doing all the changing, compromising, reading books, her needs first, etc.

Now this isn't for all women or all men but the majority of it is true.

I wonder what would happen if us men were no longer controlled by our women (sex) and we turned them down for any reasons as much as they do to us. How do you think they would feel? You can guess what would be the result!!

If I were separated from my wife for 2+ months and I just got back home, I would have a bath and have sex with her all night long, multiple times, cuddling, talking, oil rubs, everything until the wee hours of the morning. Go out to dinner the next night, more talking, movie later, walks, holding hands, etc. If we did nothing after 2+ months, why are we even married then????


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> :
> 
> If I were separated from my wife for 2+ months and I just got back home, I would have a bath and have sex with her all night long, multiple times, cuddling, talking, oil rubs, everything until the wee hours of the morning. Go out to dinner the next night, more talking, movie later, walks, holding hands, etc. If we did nothing after 2+ months, why are we even married then????


Gee. Thanks for the empathy. Do you think I WANTED to have a fever? Do you think I WANTED jetlag? It must be me...

You are just as bad as the wome in simplifying things, cuddlebug.

In the normal course of events, I would be doing something like that. This was NOT the normal course of events and when I recovered, I did just that.

So you can join my wife in the "Empathy Awards". I think you'll win though. See, she had the excuse of the mentail trauma of R. You....well...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

No attack intended. Just the way I'd deal with being away from my wifee for 2+ months. Now what if it was 6+ months or 1 year? I'm tired? Maybe tomorrow? Nope. Otherwise, more like room mates and friends if you ask me. 

I remember when my wife went away for a long weekend at her best friends place (another city) and when she came back and I picked her up at the bus depot, she was crying and all over me. Now imagine 2+ months.........

The longer anyone is apart, the more they want to be together.

If my wifee came back after 2+ months, I would have an insane night planned for us. Or if I came back after 2+ months, I'd expect the same thing. Sorry man, it just one of those things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I wonder what would happen if us men were no longer controlled by our women (sex) and we turned them down for any reasons as much as they do to us. How do you think they would feel? You can guess what would be the result!!


Heh from my experience; my toxic marriage is the result heh


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Heh from my experience; my toxic marriage is the result heh


You are absolutely right.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> No attack intended. Just the way I'd deal with being away from my wifee for 2+ months. Now what if it was 6+ months or 1 year? I'm tired? Maybe tomorrow? Nope. Otherwise, more like room mates and friends if you ask me.
> 
> I remember when my wife went away for a long weekend at her best friends place (another city) and when she came back and I picked her up at the bus depot, she was crying and all over me. Now imagine 2+ months.........
> 
> ...



Or...you can disconnect emotionally as well. Trust me, it's a very REAL danger. I've had to deal with a lot of travel for a long time.

And it might not be you. You have double the risk because SHE might emotionally disconnect from you.

While you seek to reestablish that link, it's awkward.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

JCD said:


> We were in the middle of R. I traveled for 27 hours and crossed 10 time zones to see her. Before I left, I was fighting a fever which I think got up to 102.
> 
> When I got home, I was jet lagged, and not 'feeling fresh'.
> 
> ...


I understand your perspective. I had an almost similar experience once, some years ago.
My wife I are ok and we were not in any R ,[never had cheating issues.]

However , once I participated in a search and rescue for some hikers who were lost in the forest for a few days. I came home late the Friday afternoon, they [ Search & Rescue team , I used to go hunting with them]were at my home waiting for me, I left with them.
It was all over the news so she was very concerned because that forests is dangerous.
Lots of marijuana fields and trap guns, etc.
Dangerous stuff.
Anyway, after 3 days of rain and searching , we were successful. When I arrived home I was dog tired,soaking wet and sex was the last thing on my mind.
It was not for her.
I rejected her and promised her later.
It never happened until three days later. I know she felt a bit slighted , she didn't throw a tantrum, but I could see something building.
We did have sex on day three but I was not just into it.
[ still very tired , I had slept most of those 3 days]. But we were able to talk about it and work it out. I apologized.
These things can be tricky sometimes.
But sexual rejection is not really an issue for either of us.Has never been. 
Maybe that's why she felt that way when I brushed her off that first night, after I came back from the forests.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Tall,
> Does your wife think it is ok to reject you multiple times in a row?
> 
> I only ask because I can't relate to the situations that some guys describe where they are getting shot down way more than half the time.


Not any more (she did at one point, and I did not handle it correctly initially, but that is another story). She is very good, and I do think your characterization as deferral is a much better way of putting it. She asks if we can get together the next evening and then follows through as promised. Things have also improved in that a) I have made myself more attractive by working on my behaviors, b) she has become more open to letting me get her reved up and c) me better recognizing when not to initiate. So I would say that my deferal rate is now south of 5%.

Unfortunately, I can relate, because I was there, even if not for very long. I will also say that even with things being improved, my defering brings much more questioning then her doing so. That just seems to be the way it is.


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