# seperation -the beautiful truth?



## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

so, we now live separated (but in the same household) since three months now. 
we do talk but only regarding the kids , money or house. sometimes he talks about job and politics. but never about our personal issue. we also do some activities with the kids together , when they ask him.
after this part is done, he disappears in his room and that's it. 
he either watch tv or plays on his phone this basketball game. so, I do see now, that his words and promises were just hot air. he seems to be very comfortable with the situation and shows no sign of efforts to save his marriage at all. when we went to an outdoor activity with the kids, I saw him looking at females. I shouldn't care. But it was some kind of confirmation that this is him and he won't change ever. it was some kind of sad feeling. 
he told me he will go to marriage counseling... none of this happened. he rather to buy game credits than pay for counseling. sad.

so, my decision to separate is just being confirmed. I am less worth than this damn basketball game on the phone. isn't this wonderful?


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

That's not a real separation........Nothing is being accomplished except to torture yourself. Someone has to go in order to move on.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Right. It's time for Phase 2 of the separation. If you cannot really afford to separate (been there!) then it's time to start working a plan that you can handle. 

Also, research the divorce laws in your state. In some states, there is NO legal separation. And in others, staying in the home may not qualify? So Phase 2 has to include getting DISTANCE from him. Physically, financially, and then emotionally. 

Let me just say..... when you get to that point, it's freakin amazing! Peace of mind....

And ya know, the whole "it's not you" thing? Turns out...in hindsight...its true. I was like you, trying to figure it all out. Trying to fix it. Wondering why I was not enough, why I was not ever worth an effort. Turns out, I'm fine. Exh is just a schmuck who didn't get it. His loss. 

Time to figure out what to do next. Do not base it on anything to do with him. Base it on what YOU can do, are willing to do, what will work for YOU!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SA2017 said:


> he seems to be very comfortable with the situation and shows no sign of efforts to save his marriage at all.
> he rather to buy game credits than pay for counseling.


You're right.... he doesn't want to spend his money and waste his time...in his perspective, the marriage is over. He has decided to become content in the situation as it is, and not make himself upset by trying to change it with no results possible. 



SA2017 said:


> so, my decision to separate is just being confirmed.


Your husband has already "moved on". I did this, too. I took a job traveling a lot. Your decision to "separate" is too late....it's irrelevant, now, because your husband is already gone. If he's like me, at this point, I had already "locked my heart" toward her. It was beyond the point at which anything she had to say, or anything she could have done, would have really been received by me.

I stayed in the house because of my two sons. I had a good and fruitful relationship with both of them and felt that they needed me there, for reasons which have no correlation to you and your situation. It sounds to me like your husband is doing the same for your kids' sake.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Separation is not totally real until such time that you are out of each other's physical presence.

All that you are now are disjointed roommates!*


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> Right. It's time for Phase 2 of the separation. If you cannot really afford to separate (been there!) then it's time to start working a plan that you can handle.
> 
> Also, research the divorce laws in your state. In some states, there is NO legal separation. And in others, staying in the home may not qualify? So Phase 2 has to include getting DISTANCE from him. Physically, financially, and then emotionally.
> 
> ...



there won't peace of mind because children are involved. some of them went through a divorce trauma already before.

at least we have a roof above the heads.


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## La vie en rose (May 28, 2018)

I do not understand how you can considerate yourself separate when you still live under the same roof, I wish I could have done the same.

We have been married for 15 years I asked for divorce beginning of February and left the house by the end of it. This waiting period has been very difficult, I stop cooking and anything else a wife usually do. The memories all around the house killed me. I destroyed all pictures of and sold or through away all presents. Still is very very difficult for me. Saw him last week for some divorce paper and that put me down again.

What I want to say I think that time is the only thing that can help you and definitely the distance.

Good luck to yo my dear


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

La vie en rose said:


> I do not understand how you can considerate yourself separate when you still live under the same roof, I wish I could have done the same.
> 
> We have been married for 15 years I asked for divorce beginning of February and left the house by the end of it. This waiting period has been very difficult, I stop cooking and anything else a wife usually do. The memories all around the house killed me. I destroyed all pictures of and sold or through away all presents. Still is very very difficult for me. Saw him last week for some divorce paper and that put me down again.
> 
> ...


we are not that far yet. and, we can't afford to move out or to pay a lawyer. I can't even afford a damn counselor! they all cost a lot here in our area. I am totally isolated. All I do is cleaning, washing, cooking, the kids, grocery shopping, activities with the kids and make sure their education is going well.

If I cook, he is welcome to take his plate. but mostly he don't eat with us. he is mostly in our (well, now his) master bedroom. I am in the spare room down stairs. 

he is very comfortable with the situation. so it seems. I have no idea how long this is going to be my situation. the fact that my marriage is ruined gives me very bad sleep and night mares. I am a wreck. I just function.


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## MThomas (May 8, 2018)

His actions sound familiar. He sounds like my teenage son. Your actions are what his mom (my STBX) does/did for him. A parent/child dynamic is not healthy for a married couple. To him the only thing that has changed is not spending any evening time with you or sharing a bed. He gets the entire master bedroom to himself. It's like his dorm room. If you are washing his clothes and bedsheets, stop doing it. If he wants free of you, help him out by becoming self-sufficient. Cook his own meals, wash his own clothes, sheets. If you are "separated" and not his mom, stop those things.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Start looking for work. Time to figure out what to do next.

You have two choices:
1. Continue as it is...
2. Change things. 


It's YOUR life. Figure out what you CAN do to make it better. 

P.S. Yes, there can be peace, and satisfaction, and happiness, and serenity, and hope, and..... even when there are kids in the picture. I know, I had 5. Show your kids what a strong woman looks like. Show them that you don't NEED him, and that relationships aren't supposed to be like this. SHOW them what mom can do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's nothing harder than living together separately. It will be very difficult for you to do this until your children are older -- whether that's six months or a year or more than that. Hopefully, you can find a job and get out sooner.


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## Lifesontheup (Jun 1, 2018)

I don't know, whenever I saw my cheating xH when I was trying to heal it felt like my healing 'wound' was just getting picked open again. Sometimes in order to feel better and heal, you have to remove what is picking that 'wound' open from your life as much as you can. There are ways to do it, and if it were my I would be looking at those ways before it destroys me. Good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Time to stop wringing your hands and acting helpless. Get a plan in motion, which starts with you getting a job. Take control of your life, right now all you are doing is prolonging your own misery, and dragging your children with you.


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