# I think I may leave my husband



## Dkitten (Mar 22, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs and throughout that time our whole relationship has been about him. He came from an abusive family and has been dealing with those issues, actually he hasn't really been dealing with them. My husband if he could would have his mother and father in his life right now if I wasn't in the picture. His mother and father (mainly mother) are crazy, they have physically,emotionally, and sexually abused eachother and my husband for his entire life. My husband goes to see a psychiatrist and psychologist once a week and neither seem to be helping, in fact if anything things are getting worse. We have not had sex for a year and before that we would only have sex once every 6 months. I am so tired of being constantly rejected by him, the last time we tried he couldn't peform even with the help of viagra. The fact that my 36 yr old husband would have to take viagra to have sex with me was bad enough but then when that still didn't work I have never felt so ugly and discusting in my life. I don't even want him to see me naked. I married my husband because I felt an instant love for him and I had never had anything like that happen before but now I'm realizing love cannot fix everything. I feel like I am loosing myself more and more everyday.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is only one person I know who could help you and your husband: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/3548-rapes-before-marriage-cause-issues.html#post33498

See my post #15

As far as the Viagra goes, it only produces erection in men who are horny but lack the physical ability to have an erection.
Your husband was unable to perform because he is scared during the act of sex. It has little to do with you. Fear causes the smooth muscle in the penis to contract, preventing the blood filling it. If fear and arousal are present together, it can still be hard to get an erection even with Viagra.

I could give him some tips, but really he sounds too far gone for my help, his mind needs a re-boot. The therapist in the link above has a good reputation for that.


----------



## Dkitten (Mar 22, 2009)

I think he is past anyone's help at this point. It's sad but he just doesn't want to help himself and I have been driving myself crazy trying to help someone who doesn't want help. When I first met his family they seemed rude and abrasive but I didn't think much of it and then two years after we're married he starts telling me all of the things that happened to him as a child. I was floored, I found him a psychologist and have bought every book on the subject but he has no interest in any of it. Meanwhile, he has changed completely in our relationship. He doesn't want me to work, he doesn't want me to leave the house without him, he just wants us both to talk all the time about how he is feeling. I know most women wish they had a man who would talk about their feelings but trust me not this way. He has actually told me more than once that I need to put my feelings on the shelf to deal with his feelings. I keep everything inside and I feel like I am going to bust. I am new to this site but it just feels good to actually be able to talk about what I am feeling for a change. I have just reached my breaking point I think and I just want out but now I am afraid for my financial stability. I have not worked for years and I know what the job market is like, I'm afraid to leave and I'm afraid to stay.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

im sorry to say this, but there is no light at the end of the tunnel with him.
he is a very scarred man and you wil have this all your life as you are with him.
the trouble is and i say this sincerely , you wil always be dealing with his issues. he wont be there for you and thats not a marriage.
you have to support eachother.
if your afraid on either level of staying or going - then id go for the go option.


----------



## Dkitten (Mar 22, 2009)

I know I need to leave I think I am just trying to make my plan right now. It's so hard and scary. I have already enrolled in cullinary school and I am afraid if I leave right now I will not be able to afford to go. I am just confused and trying to make a plan and I feel like my world is crashing down on me.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

i know how u feel, but fact is the life your leading- your actually being crushed every single day.
your world is crashing n e way if u stay in it. because of your emotions.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dkitten-

In the meantime, the therapist I mentioned is one of the best. You should see her too. I am not in anyway connected with her, but just reading her book changed me for ever.

I was abused, but not to your husband's extent.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Find a therapist for yourself. You really need someone to look out for YOUR emotional well-being. 

What your husband went through sounds horrific, but you are right - you cannot fix him. It's not your duty to fix him. He did you wrong by not sharing his history with you BEFORE marriage.

Do you have children? If not, don't. You don't want to bring children into that kind of inlaw family, and God knows what damage may have been done to your husband that he would pass down. If you do have children, the more the reason to leave.

I know you are scared ... but from your posts, it sounds like you need to get out of there and live a healthy, happy life. At least consult a lawyer privately that can advice you about the financial things that you are worried about. No point imagining how things could go when you can talk to an expert and be given concrete information to base your moves on.

Your husband sounds really far from healing and you could spend many many more years sucked into his traumatic world. It's very sad for him, but especially if you are not seeing him make the effort that he should be making and he's making you his emotional hostage - you need to get out. To a small extent, he is recreating with you the relationship that his parents had with him and each other ... codependent, lacking in boundaries, all-consuming and completely inappropriate. He doesn't want you as a partner, he wants you as his caretaker - that's not what marriage should be about.


----------



## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

well i think only God can cure a broken heart i think your husband hasnt forgave those who hurt him and therfore will have deep anymosity toward sex until he sees what Gods plan for sex is and that what all the other people have done to him is their issue not his only then will he begin to lose his fear of being hurt again in a sexual manner his view of sex is distorted because of his past and you unfortunatly have to be a victim also from their sins my best freinds wife had this same problem and his life with her was hell his wife would never see it being her problem I will not tell someone to divorce i dont beileve in it but you are in a very bad situation that may never change he may never get healed and be this way his entire life do you want to live the rst of your life this way I would suggest being patient make a plan you dont need to leave right away just think it thru and then do what is neccisary when the time comes God bless you and good luck


----------

