# How do you survive the nights?



## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

My husband and I are separated, again. This time it's real... I can just feel it. There's no going back after everything....

How do you survive the night? This is day 3 and last night was excruciating. I choked back tears and snuggled up in bed and forced myself to go to sleep to escape the torture.

I hate it, because I'm the one who initiated this separation. We are just so unhappy. I guess I didn't expect such intense emotions.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I sleep at night knowing that he isn't losing not one wink of sleep over me. But I think I have accepted the fact that I never was thought of much throughout most of the marriage  Hope you get some rest tonight.


----------



## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

Moyo7620 said:


> How many times have you separated?


This is #4.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You survive it by telling yourself that perhaps slowly but definitely surely you will get to a better place. And believe it. There's nothing easy about divorce. But sometimes that is what's needed.


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

Try to call your doc for some lunesta, ambien, or lorazepam. Just something to help you till you feel a little bit better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

jdd said:


> Try to call your doc for some lunesta, ambien, or lorazepam. Just something to help you till you feel a little bit better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought about that, but sleeping meds scare the poo out of me. I am thinking I am gonna try some melatonin and if that doesn't work, then I'll call the doc.


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I told myself that if I didn't get my sleep I would just keep feeling sh!ttier and sh!ttier. At first I slept with the TV on, then I graduated it to a sleep timer (I would wake up to the TV a lot) and eventually worked my way to 7-8 hours a night.

It all begins with thinking of yourself first. While I know it's hard, what one goes through during a separation ... but do you really think stressing out over things at a time nothing can be done, is really worth it?

Also, get more active. It helps you fall asleep better.


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you survive the nights?*



TrustIsGone said:


> I thought about that, but sleeping meds scare the poo out of me. I am thinking I am gonna try some melatonin and if that doesn't work, then I'll call the doc.


What scares you about them?

I've tried melatonin on and off, sometimes I felt it helped.

You can also try 50mg of benadryl.


----------



## TrustIsGone (Nov 17, 2012)

jdd said:


> What scares you about them?
> 
> I've tried melatonin on and off, sometimes I felt it helped.
> 
> You can also try 50mg of benadryl.


I honestly don't know. I've heard too many horror stories of people walking outside naked. lol And what if the kids needed me?


----------



## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

TrustIsGone said:


> I honestly don't know. I've heard too many horror stories of people walking outside naked. lol And what if the kids needed me?


I'm not a fan of medications either. While I understand they are required for certain situations (diseases, disorders etc) I believe if it can be managed by life changes and self control .. that's the better course of action.

I realized after a hard night of drinking at my work Xmas party in November ... that I haven't even bought Tylenol in almost a year. Haha.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain....
Do you have energy or desire to exercise? If so, it is a great way to get you tired.
If you are too sad to exercise, try reading self help books or writing down your thoughts.
Are you religious? You can try praying until you fall asleep.
If you are not religious, try meditating or remember dreams you had as a child.
I do not believe in pills but if that will help you, you should try that.

Good luck!


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Why are you sad and unhappy when you initiated the separation?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pictureless said:


> Why are you sad and unhappy when you initiated the separation?


I would think because her vision of the future and her hopes now appear to be for naught.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I would think because her vision of the future and her hopes now appear to be for naught.


I'm asking because I'm trying to learn. My wife might be feeling similar things but based on our history I'm not holding my breath. It's what she wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

i have trouble sleeping as well. think about her to much. i know it is not the right thing to do but i can't stop either. maybe i will try the benadryl.


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Things get better with time, but expect setbacks. I'm a few months in and what I find helps is NOT TALKING to anyone about the divorce after 8 PM and not reading anything. The other night I got an email at 10 PM and it sent me into a tailspin, only slept a few hours (3-5 AM)

Tylenol PM once or twice a week has helped but I've been working out too.

I find a some relaxation, a shower and going to sleep later than normal helps too.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

TrustIsGone said:


> I thought about that, but sleeping meds scare the poo out of me. I am thinking I am gonna try some melatonin and if that doesn't work, then I'll call the doc.


Try some Benadryl.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm going to second the sleeping pills, I took 1x night the entire first week after I separated from my ex. I think it helped stabilize my mood to get a good night's rest. As long as you eat something before you take it (I always had a cup of applesauce) you shouldn't feel overly drowsy or medicated. 

I know sometimes there can be a stigma with medication but I never took a sleeping pill before that and I haven't since.

Other things that helped me: 
-Hot shower, tea, and funny books before bed (George Carlin, David Sedaris, Tina Fey) 
-Soothing ambient noise - I have a sharper image clock that plays a crackling campfire sound loop I found very comforting. They have smartphone apps that do this too
-An elongated body pillow to get cozy
-Lavender mist spray for your sheets & pillowcase
-Positive affirmations (Simple abundance daybook of comfort & joy is a good one)
-Long walks, preferably along a body of water if possible 

Sending you positive energy, peace, and rest!


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I am going through all of this right now so I understand how you feel. I found out about my H affair last week on Thurs and confronted him this past Tues and then filed for divorce on Wed. I also don't want to take meds. I ended up taking 1 tylenol pm last night had a great 8hr night sleep. I felt so much better this morning.....although now I'm back to thinking about everything. I plan on only taking that pill maybe once a week so I don't get too dependent on it. I agree with everyone else about taking a long hot shower or even a hot bath with some lavender or something that calms you. Put some candles up, listen to soft music and just let your body melt.


----------



## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I take melatonin on the bad days. Melatonin isn't necessarily a drug, but rather a naturally occuring hormone (at least that's how I convince myself to take it LOL)

Mostly it's just trying to tire myself out completely during the day so I'm exhausted at the end of the night. Having a set bedtime really helps too - I've gone to bed between 10 and 10:30 every night since before the separation, so I naturally start getting tired around then.

I have dogs that are spoiled and sleep on my bed, so on the really bad nights I'll snuggle one of them. I'm using a sleep sounds app on my phone at night so I fall asleep to either a heartbeat sound or waves - the white noise sounds are too loud and harsh for me.

You'll make it through this.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having been some 28 months since our "trial separation" all the way through the divorce process, I still rarely ever sleep at night, basically taking my sleep in spurts in early evening, late night, and early morning.

I do lay awake nights, although I have largely forgotten about her. But I still have those occasional "mind movies" and thought processes about what a perfect loving couple that we were. 

But the more that I tend to think about it, it only proves me out to be the biggest preeminent fool!*


----------



## Costa (Nov 24, 2012)

i had trouble sleeping for many months. then i went to the doc, got some relaxer pills, took them for only 3 nights, and they put my body back to normal sleeping patterns.


----------



## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

2.5 months since separation, almost a full month of very little contact. I do sleep, but it's rarely restful. The last hour before the alarm rings is usually panicky dreaming about something I forgot to do, some other way I should've handled something, or reliving some hellish moment from this experience. I hope it fades to something better soon, but nights do seem the hardest to get through. I think our brains are trying to reorganize and make sense of things while we sleep.


----------



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Tbh since my ex H ended our relationship in April 2013 I haven't gone to bed before 11pm, my usual time is around 1am so I haven't had a good nights sleep since April. But there are ways to sort it I still find the nights difficult but I am getting better and have been trying things out. 

I would say that watching a funny tv programme before you go to bed puts you in a good mood or reading something light hearted. A hot bath is super relaxing and herbal tea can do the trick. 

Don't be so hard on yourself because it's nearly been a year for me and I still find some nights difficult. I even got a craftholic teddy which I cuddle in my bed, I know it's sound very child like but all I care is about making myself feel better and comfortable so if a teddy helps then I don't care how it looks (mind you no one knows anyway!)

Oh and since I was the one who moved out (ex H told me to leave as we were living with his mother) I changed a few things in my bedroom when I moved back to my mothers house. One good thing is I don't have a double bed so I don't notice the empty space.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

evolver said:


> 2.5 months since separation, almost a full month of very little contact. I do sleep, but it's rarely restful. The last hour before the alarm rings is usually panicky dreaming about something I forgot to do, some other way I should've handled something, or reliving some hellish moment from this experience. I hope it fades to something better soon, but nights do seem the hardest to get through. I think our brains are trying to reorganize and make sense of things while we sleep.


I'm with you....

I think it's partially because I'm ALWAYS on the defensive it seems, if I'm no contact then she needs something. If I'm nice, she's evil, If I see an old loving email, If I'd have only done this, the girls ask me about "true love" because it's at the end of the Little Mermaid movie, a friend calls...

My brain is working in hyperdrive and I can't make it stop

Part of it for me is the fact I had no ultimatums, conversation even - just 10 days of blasting then gone and almost nothing since unless she NEEDS something.

I'm doing the 180 but I find guilt for that too.

I wish I had one or two close friends that are divorced, I don't have any. People just can't help - even counselors that have never divorced.


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

TrustIsGone said:


> I honestly don't know. I've heard too many horror stories of people walking outside naked. lol And what if the kids needed me?


You do want to be careful until you know how they work for you. For me about the worst part is that I don't always remember what I was doing if I was awake while I on some type of sleeping med.

For example; I don't really have a very clear recall of writing the last message I posted here in this conversation. Where as during the day, I'd typically have a vivid memory of exactly what I wrote. 

I'm normally with it enough that I don't write anything that is totally incoherent or out of character for me if I'm awake while on some type of sleeping med, but I do see how that might happen for some people.


----------



## antechomai (Oct 4, 2013)

My experience was from 1999. After D day, I don't think I slept for 4 days. I'd drive around at night drinking decaf and talking to gas station attendants. 
Finally, I went to the doctor, and he demanded to know what was up, and I told him.
Ambien worked really well. After 4 months, I started breaking them in half for a month and did OK, then stopped.

The only stupid thing I did was talking to my ex-wife for a half hour after taking one before bedtime.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Last Tuesday was the final straw on our separation-now-imminent divorce. I haven't slept well since, waking up at 3:00, 4:00 or 5:30. After a couple of nights I went back to my mindfulness exercise. Basically its just noticing your thoughts as an observer and then naming them. "Oh - I'm thinking about his text again and I'm angry. Now I'm thinking about what a waste it all was and feel sad. Now I'm feeling resistance to feeling angry and sad." I haven't slept a full night yet but this exercise works to get me back to sleep once I've woken up and I start ruminating.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You are doing well! Do you miss him? My social worker said it's normal to miss the familiar, no matter how damn bad it was. But we get over it in time.


----------



## DT123 (Sep 25, 2013)

The loneliness does go away in time. It is not an easy process, but it will happen. I caught my stbxw in an affair in September and now am 1 week away from my 60 days being up. I have been at home with my kids alone for most of it. I try to go for an evening run and then read. It usually distracts my mind and then makes me fall asleep. Not sure if this advice will help you, but it has been tremendous for me. After 4 months I am content being alone at night now. Be strong!


----------



## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I've found the Divorce Care class to be helpful. A shower seems to help too.

The human brain is amazing. 

I have made more positive changes, thought harder, did more, accomplished more, lost weight, read millions of words in a few months. More than I had in 5 previous years I'm sure.

I wish this wasn't the impetus, but I don't think our brains are designed to shut down when we feel in peril, not safe, unloved, and trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

The other day on TV I saw an ad for divorce insurance. I couldn't believe it. I wonder if it provides coverage for a surrogate spouse to cuddle up with at night when you climb into bed. That's the only thing I miss about STBXW at this point. Even at its worst there was still the human need for the touch of another. Sucks but this will pass too


----------



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I bought a fuzzy pillow. I cuddle with that. 
I turn on a fan for noise. 
Sometimes I watch Netflix on my phone until I can't keep my eyes open and I fall asleep pretty fast.
Otherwise I will take 3 or 4 Advil, that actually helps me sleep. I only have to do that once in a great while though.
Nights are usually the worst. It sucks, but it gets better with time


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Nights were one of the best things about divorce. I revel in sleeping in the middle of the bed! No snoring! No log-arms flopping onto me in the middle of the night and startling me awake for the rest of the night! No fighting over blankets and temperature! Bed made up any way you like! My sleep has been better in the last year and a half than it was the entire 10 years before that!


----------

