# Monogamy during separation.



## brentd (Dec 23, 2021)

My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Are either of you already expressing an interest in someone else? If so, if there’s any chance that one of you has “a plan” while the other doesn’t, and you’re discussing separation “rules”, then it’s over. It might already be over simply because you’re bringing it up as an option.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Who initiated the separation? Before you say it was a mutual decision, someone had to bring it up. If this was a case of her "wanting space" then as mentioned above it might already be over.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


If eventual reconciliation is the goal. If you two are truly trying to work on yourselves and clear your head then dating wouldn’t help with that. Dating will cloud lots of things up.

mom the other hand if one partner is done and wants to see what’s out in the world to help them decide then dating is the way to go. Of course the most likely outcome is divorce.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If you want to date, just go ahead and file. Sounds like that is where you are leaning if one of you is thinking of dating.


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## brentd (Dec 23, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Are either of you already expressing an interest in someone else? If so, if there’s any chance that one of you has “a plan” while the other doesn’t, and you’re discussing separation “rules”, then it’s over. It might already be over simply because you’re bringing it up as an option.


Thank you for the response. I was hoping to get some general thoughts on the concept before talking about who wanted what. We have not discussed "rules" at this point, I was wondering if we remain should committed to each other or test the waters. If either is a good or bad decision if we are truly trying to solve our issues down the road.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personally, I would just live apart for a while, still committed to each other. Dating will be confusing and it will lead to a permanent separation on the long run, once other people get involved.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

brentd said:


> Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out


You absolutely need to agree this with each other before separating. 

My opinion (as a professional) is that if you hope to get back together then don't involve anyone else.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

brentd said:


> Thank you for the response. I was hoping to get some general thoughts on the concept before talking about who wanted what. We have not discussed "rules" at this point, I was wondering if we remain should committed to each other or test the waters. If either is a good or bad decision if we are truly trying to solve our issues down the road.


By doing this, you are withholding crucial information to better advise you. It is your prerogative to do so, of course, but any advice given will likely be spitballing or general versus specific. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Is the separate housing something temporary like family or a vacation home? Or is it something more permanent (security deposit, lease, etc)?? 

To answer your question, it's simple math. Right now barring any cheating you have two variables, you and her. The more variables you add (other people) the more complicated the equation becomes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If the separation is required before you can divorce, and you already know you are going to do that, then you could date. IF it is with the idea you need some space before getting back together, it would be an AWFUL idea. You are still married.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

If you cant resolve your problems and stay committed while in a relationship you will never be able to do it while separated. dating other people add to an extra complexity to the whole situation specially if you have kids. what if

1- either one of you fall in love with your new partner
2- or someone catch STD
3- or your wife gets pregnant (don't tell me she will be extra careful) 
4- your wife will get more men in the same period than you - are ok with that?


if you don't have kids - divorce and move forward


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well, it def will complicate things IF you want to reconcile. 
Lets say your wife dates some guys. Maybe guys she already knows, like people she works with.
then you get back together. She is now working with a guy she recently dated as you two are trying to reconcile--a temptation that could lead to them keeping up that new relationship, just due to the proximity.

also, if she comes back to you after dating, maybe you start to think "she wanted this new guy, but came back to me, probably because he did not really want her full time but only wanted her as a sex partner. I must be someone she is only settling for, she would have gone with the other guy she separated our marriage for IF he would take her".

See how this could turn out? 

but separation, technically, does give you both permission to date. 

I would suggest you two seriously talk over any boundaries you expect each other to follow during this separation. Otherwise, hurt feelings may ensue


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

blackclover3 said:


> If you cant resolve your problems and stay committed while in a relationship you will never be able to do it while separated. dating other people add to an extra complexity to the whole situation specially if you have kids. what if
> 
> 1- either one of you fall in love with your new partner
> 2- or someone catch STD
> ...


This to emphasize. 

OP: when couples can't resolve their issues while together, normally in most cases separation is nothing but a prelude to divorce. In most cases separation doesn't work; it only widens the rift.
Now, like @blackclover3 said: will you be OK knowing that your wife will get many, many more sexual encounters than you ever will? because as a female all she has to do is say the word and the pack of wolves will be at her feet. You in the other hand will have to work hard to get to bed a couple of women (unless you already have someone in mind that is already willing).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Your marriage is already on the thinnest of ice. Something like 87% of separations end up resulting in divorce. It is a desperation move in my opinion. Odds are one spouse really isn't interested in saving the marriage while the other doesn't want to let go so they agree to the separation. I can guarantee that if you start seeing other people it is done. What are you even doing at that point? Why not just make it official and get divorced?

In my opinion, if you want to save the marriage you either need to rethink the separation or at the very least you need to be dating each other again, exclusively while in separation. If you can't get both be on board with being each other's BF/GF you will never succeed as being H/W.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IF your _mutual_ intent is to solve problems, get back together and stay married, then you should agree to NOT date, create dating profiles, go out with intent to flirt or meet someone, etc. Focus on the two of you, counselling, etc.

If you _both_ agree that you want to date, be aware it is likely she'll find find numerous men and sleep with some, while you may have trouble meeting anyone (unless there is already someone interested in you). This will almost surely lead to a permanent split.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Separations are often used as an excuse to try others out. If you want to remain married, don’t.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You don’t have to poop on the kitchen floor to figure out you prefer it clean. If you are talking about it ... then you are already working on pooping ..... oooppss... I mean dating.

Let’s get real .... nobody is going to strengthen a marriage bond with recreational outside sex.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


As long as you are interested in trying to see if you can fix your relationship, you both should be be monogamous. Stepping out from either one could cause that person to not be motivated to repair things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to believe that you think dating others would be anything but a terrible idea in the circumstances. If either if you wants to date others that shows they have no commitment to the marriage.


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## brentd (Dec 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard to believe that you think dating others would be anything but a terrible idea in the circumstances. If either if you wants to date others that shows they have no commitment to the marriage.


Thank you for the response. I asked the question in a generic way just to see the response. I was not picking sides in the original post. Thank you!


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

When a couple decides to live seperately, the ending has already been written in most cases.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

brentd said:


> Thank you for the response. I asked the question in a generic way just to see the response. I was not picking sides in the original post. Thank you!


Is this the part where you tell us your wife brought up dating so she could “figure things out” ???


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


I think it's something that you need to discuss with your spouse. You need to either have an understanding that those boundaries to remain monogamous are in place, or not to have boundaries at all, and do what you want. Either way you decide, it needs to be communicated and mutually agreed upon.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brentd said:


> Thank you for the response. I was hoping to get some general thoughts on the concept before talking about who wanted what. We have not discussed "rules" at this point, I was wondering if we remain should committed to each other or test the waters. If either is a good or bad decision if we are truly trying to solve our issues down the road.


It depends on what you want to accomplish by the separation. 

As a general rule let's say you instead file for divorce. You really shouldn't date anyone for 6 months to a year. You need time to adjust and emotionally grieve the death of your marriage. You also need time to figure out what went wrong and heal your emotional self. Dating before that could lead to a rebound relationship where you make bad decisions about your future.

With that in mind, dating during a separation doesn't sound like a good idea. 

The only way it would make sense is if one partner felt that "the grass was greener on the other side of the fence" and needed to find out that it really isn't. In that case dating might tell that person that what they have is special. Still they could fall into a rebound relationship and only realize later what they lost was special.

Whatever you decide, set clear boundaries with each other. If dating is allowed be very explicit about your boundaries in regards to safe sex, STD's and what will destroy your respect for your partner. 

Could you live with their using prostitutes? What if their sex partner(s) gave him the best sexual experiences of his life and you were incapable of doing what they were capable of? How about if your partner had a bisexual experience in a three-some? Could you live with their having an STD that might not be curable? Could you live with their being so involved with someone else that if you really needed help they didn't come to your aid? What are the limits that would not allow reconciliation?

Again, every aspect of marriage should be a negotiated compromise. It doesn't matter as to the amount or type of sex; the number of children; how to raise the children; where to go on vacation; what to do with the money you both make; etc. Separation during marriage is still part of marriage and should be carefully negotiated.

Good luck.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


This really depends on what your overall philosophy on sex and marriage is. If you feel monogamy is a paramount aspect of marriage, then during the separation, no outside sex. After all you are still married. It would be different if you divorced, had sex with others and then got back together and married again. There would not be a marriage to violate in that case. If the *both *of you feel that during the separation, you are not in effect married (an aspect separate from the legal status), and you *both *agree that sex with others is alright, then it is a mutually agreed upon position. But then neither of you is allowed to place blame or guilt on the other if that other takes advantage of the agreement. But you have to agree. Otherwise, at that point you might as well give up. Because if you can't agree on that point you won't be able to deal with the more serious aspect of reconciliation.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> Who initiated the separation? Before you say it was a mutual decision, someone had to bring it up. If this was a case of her "wanting space" then as mentioned above it might already be over.


If I was planning on bringing up the topic, and then she manages to get to it first, I would consider that a mutual decision, because we were both thinking of it. You are right that short of a "jinx" situation, someone is going to speak of it first, but that doesn't mean both were not ready to bring it up.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> If I was planning on bringing up the topic, and then she manages to get to it first, I would consider that a mutual decision, because we were both thinking of it. You are right that short of a "jinx" situation, someone is going to speak of it first, but that doesn't mean both were not ready to bring it up.


Very true, I was looking at it as when separation/divorce happens the two individuals typically aren't on the same page.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You already know the answer, you’re just looking for validation. So ok, I think you have received it. Now what?

The real question is 1. Who is mostly pushing for the separation, and 2. has your wife already indicated that she “might” want to date others, or you just suspect that she will?


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## 10x (Oct 19, 2020)

I see two types of separations. The first is to clear heads, reset priorities, work on ourselves, etc. in hope of building a better marriage. The second is preparing for divorce. What is the true motivation here?

Also, if let's say you two were still living together and you found out your wife was sleeping around and when you confronted her about it, she said she was just clearing her head or resetting her marriage goals or whatever, could you accept that? If you are still married and wanting to improve things, living apart or separately, some things don't need to change. Monogamy would be one of those things for me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


Depends on you two. I've never heard of anyone in real life not dating during separation, but I can tell you dating will only create more chaos and drama. You'll have women who want to get a commitment before you're even divorced. Been there, done that. That's not fun for anyone. 

On the other hand, sometimes it takes seeing what the other spouse is driven to do to accept that divorce is imminent. I think most people need a big shot of attraction validation during divorce. That's the nice good people with good intentions. Then there are people who have just been waiting to be unleashed because they were barely, if at all contained during the marriage by the vows.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I do know that some states require a year separation (or maybe some other amount of time) prior to divorce, so sometimes it's brought on by legal requirements.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You're either committed to your marriage and happen to be temporarily living apart, or you're not and you're headed for divorce. You already know which it is before you start living apart. Anyone who says they don't is not committed to the marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is all stuff that you should have worked out and in agreement before separating. 

What are the goals and objectives of the separation? Was it a case of a real bad fight(s) and each party needs to go to their corners to let the dust settle and regain their composure then come back to the negotiation table to work out the issues? Is the mutual goal to remain together in marriage and work out the issues and continue with the marriage?

If that is the case, it was probably a detriment to separate at all in the first place unless the fight was getting to the point of potentially causing irreparable damage and things needed to settle down before continuing the discussions. 

But if either of you is looking at this as a prelude to divorce and either or both of you is actually wanting to get out,,, then physical separation is a pretty significant step towards divorce. 

You haven't mentioned why you separated but if it is because one or the other you had your hand in the wrong cookie jar, then it's a good bet that that person is making time with the other party whether it was agreed upon or not. 

Even under the best of intentions, physical separation is always a very ominous development. 

People seem to have this image in their mind that a separation will lead them to start to remember the good times more fondly and get lonely and start to "miss" their partner which ultimately leads them back confessing all their mistakes and standing pleading for forgiveness and reunification while standing in the rain. 

What really happens though is people start enjoying the peace and quiet and enjoy doing their own thing and arranging their own furniture and sleeping with the window open in the winter and sitting on the couch eating ice cream in their sweats while letting the dishes pile up in the sink with noone complaining about it. 

And yes, then the anticipation and excitement of the prospects of dating someone(s) new.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

brentd said:


> Thank you for the response. I was hoping to get some general thoughts on the concept before talking about who wanted what. We have not discussed "rules" at this point, I was wondering if we remain should committed to each other or test the waters. If either is a good or bad decision if we are truly trying to solve our issues down the road.


Really? You have to ask internet stranger this??

Well let's see which option will get the heart beating and the juices flowing more - remaining exclusive with someone you are in conflict with enough to live apart and who you are not getting along with?

Or some fresh and new lover without any baggage and lots of New Relationship Energy(NRE)?

Hmmm, which seems like it would help people organize their thoughts and feelings on a complex issue the best?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


If you want to work on your marriage and grow stronger with your wife, ****ing others is about the most moronic thing you both could do.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I see separation as preparation for divorce. None of this finding myself, clearing my head ****ing ******** you hear being used as an excuse. If a marriage is not as good as you would like it, work on it "in house" instead of separating to test drive others.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> I see separation as preparation for divorce. None of this finding myself, clearing my head *ing ***** you hear being used as an excuse. If a marriage is not as good as you would like it, work on it "in house" instead of separating to test drive others.


I agree. If both parties want to be together, they will find a way to work on it and be together. I generally feel if one are both parties are wanting to be separate, it is because they DON'T want to be with the other. 

However I do think there is some variation between the girls and the boys on who is asking for the separation. 

If it's the woman wanting the separation, it is one of two things. One is if she and/or the kids are being abused or are in danger and she is fleeing in the night for her or the kid's safety. - - - Or she is wanting to test drive some new dudes and is seeing the other guy(s) will actually take her full time or not. 

She will use the terms "Finding myself", "clearing my head", "I need space" , "I need time to think" etc etc

If Chad, Sven From Yoga or Steve From Accounting etc do commit and agree to take her - she files, comes back to the house with a truck and some friends and moves on.

If the other dude, backs out she realises he was just playing her for poon, then she shows back up on the front porch like a stray cat looking for it's next meal.

But for guys it is slightly different. If there has been some real bad fights and high drama and flying pots and pans, a guy will retreat to his cave for a period of days to let the dust settle and the emotions to calm down so that he can gather and organize his thoughts and come up with a plan going forward.

But typically this is only a matter of days or maybe a week or so at a friend's or relative's or motel or something. A man is more likely to call a cooling off period measured in days and will be more likely to see his wife screwing other dudes during that time as a betrayal and cheating etc.

Now sure, there are some guys that may have some little honey on the side already that they take the opportunity to get with. 

But guys are not as likely to say they need space or to find themselves and move out and get their own place for 6 months while they test drive someone else for a permanent replacement.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I agree. If both parties want to be together, they will find a way to work on it and be together. I generally feel if one are both parties are wanting to be separate, it is because they DON'T want to be with the other.
> 
> However I do think there is some variation between the girls and the boys on who is asking for the separation.
> 
> ...


So to sum up as usual your post reads. Girl bad, boy good.

Op now that you've kept us all in suspense you want to tell us who was looking to date? 

Have you two discussed dating others?

Are you looking to reconcile or move on?

I've seen separation in many forms. 
One partner looking to let the other down easy or to get separated before saying divorce so that it is easier and safer.
I've seen it where one partner is fed up with the other and basically wants some space and to see if living alone is better than living together.
I've seen it where one partner feels unappreciated and wants to check out if there is someone who would appreciate them without letting the marriage go as kind of a safety net.
I've seen it where one partner uses it just to try out some strange but doesn't really want a divorce more like a hallpass.
I've seen it where one cheated and the separation is a way to start over by dating.

@brentd what's going on with your separation. You haven't said who brought up separation or what the purpose of dating would be? Certainly if you separated to get your head on straight then dating wouldn't help with that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> So to sum up as usual your post reads. Girl bad, boy good.


I did not impose any value judgement or say that anyone is any better or any worse than the other.

In my experience in separated couples I’ve known in real life and have seen in posts here and other forums, those are the general trends that I have seen around separations. 

Men and women seem to have some differ motivations and methods for when they initiate a physical separation. 

I’m not saying one is necessarily better or worse than the other.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


Your stated goal of “separating to clear your heads” won’t exactly be well-served by the introduction of other potential romantic partners.

Derp.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Are you for real? Do you have some sort of personality disorder? Lol


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

brentd said:


> if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say.


Not specifically on dating others while separated, but more generally on being attracted to others while in an otherwise committed relationship, my therapist (a Psy.D.) has told me that it is normal that in the course of our lives we might encounter other people to whom we feel attracted. When I asked her what to do about it, she said that when you are in a normal healthy relationship, you easily brush those feelings aside, but when you are in a relationship where you are not getting all your needs met, that that is harder to do. (So not really telling what to do!)

I think the overwhelming advice you have received in this thread is spot on -- if your goal is to re-kindle your relationship, getting involved with other people only muddies the waters and will not be helpful.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

brentd said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Recently we have decided to separate and live in separate housing. Our goal is to get time away from each other, clear our heads, figure out who we are and then address what direction we want to take our marriage. My question is, do you think we should stay committed to each other in a monogamous relationship as we try to work this out or should we date and possibly sleep with other people? Will dating other people make it a bit messy to see each other in a true light? I would like to hear from you, if any of you have had professional advice on this question I would love to hear what they had to say. Thank you so much!


NO, YOU ARE MARRIED. FIGHT TO KEEP PARTNER. IF YOU DO OR LEAVE, YOU WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER MATCH.
Read all by gottman PhD, Harville Hendricks, Dr. Laura s proper care and feeding of marriage


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## Condor90046 (Aug 25, 2021)

My opinion as a man in a 27 year marriage is this. 
We all know that being married at times is trying. That said my wife and I have been close to divorce twice. My feeling is at that time if we would have separated we would have not made it.
Time away from each other might show both of you that you want to be with each other, but I think the chances are greater that it will just create a deeper divide between both of you.

Let's talk intimacy. We all also know that married sex will never be like new sex and when you two are out there exploring your independence and you happen to meet someone you are attracted to you two are done! I know you have set boundaries, but those are broken all the time and especially in relationships that are rockey to begin with.

I know some will disagree with me, but this is my opinion. If you two are not solid enough to work your way through this low point in your marriage running away from each other will absolutely not help and perhaps you should consider the unfortunate reality. Good luck.


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