# Not sure what to do now...



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend's father has several health problems, including COPD and mobility issues. On the 23rd, he was admitted to ICU with a collapsed lung, and now they are not going to release him until we get him into an assisted living facility. 

His father had mentioned previously that he wanted to look into it, and my boyfriend and I (mostly me) began researching it. We found a VA run facility that he (at that time) was eligible for. Then, his father changed his mind. At that time, we let it drop because his father's mind still seemed rather sharp, and we figured that he was still capable of making his own decisions in that regard.

We never got any call that his father had been hospitalized. When my boyfriend went the day after Christmas to take him his gift, a neighbor informed my boyfriend. He went to visit his dad in hospital, and was told about the assisted living requirement for his dad's release. While there seeing his dad (who is a smoker), his dad attempted to use his bedsheet to light a syringe. His father had been very heavily sedated due to the tube in his chest to treat the collapsed lung. So, we don't know if the attempt to smoke a syringe is due to the sedation affecting his mind or if he's truly becoming incompetent. 

My boyfriend went today, with the paperwork from the facility we had found, to see if his dad will sign the papers. There are, of course, many concerns right now, beginning with whether or not his dad will sign them, and whether or not we can be confident that he is competent enough to sign them. My boyfriend has acknowledged that it may be necessary for him to go to court and get a court order declaring his father incompetent if he refuses to do this, and although he will do that if he has to, he really doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do any of this. 

I've helped him, practically speaking, in every way I can think of so far. I got in touch with the facility to get the paperwork; I printed it out when they emailed me the paperwork; I looked it over and let him know what forms the doctor would need to fill out. I told him who he could talk to at the hospital to help get the forms filled out, and began looking into how we can transport him from the hospital to the facility, if I'm not able to (boyfriend is a truck driver, we have kids in school, dad is in another town and facility is in a 3rd town, both towns at least an hour and a half away from us). 

Beyond this, I'm not sure what else I can do for him. He doesn't seem to want to discuss it much, which I can understand. I want to be here for him, but I also don't want to force him to discuss it if he doesn't want to or isn't ready. We have talked a little, last night I was asking him if he thought getting a court order would put a strain on his relationship with his dad, and he said he didn't know. 

Any advice on what I can do to be here for him?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, I talked to him a little bit ago. His dad was actually quite agreeable to it, and is even kind of excited about the double occupancy of the room, seems he kind of wants a roommate. 

I'm really just not sure what I can do for my boyfriend. I know this is rough on him, but he's one of those that just doesn't like to talk about his feelings and what's bothering him and stuff like that. He is talking to me a little bit about it today, but I know there's so much more that he's not telling me. And I want him to tell me, but I also don't want to push because I know that will just make him back off more. 

And of course, I've never done this before, with putting a parent in a facility like this. My mom did it for my grandmother, but I was a self involved teenager at the time, so I didn't pay much attention to the process at the time. I wish I had now. Trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, when to do it...it's just so overwhelming.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, things have changed now. The nurses have said they don't think his dad will make it another 6 months. We're looking at hospice or palliative care, most likely palliative since it's the more optimistic of the two, even though there's not much to be optimistic about. 

My boyfriend went and cleaned out his dad's apartment yesterday, and after he told me that hadn't realized just how bad off his dad was getting and how bad the apartment was until he did this. With his dad's mobility issues, he couldn't clean, and the place was so filled with dust, that my very healthy boyfriend was losing his ability to breathe. 

He's acknowledged to me that he and his father were both in denial about his dad's health. His dad didn't want to give up his independence, and my boyfriend didn't want to take it from him. And then we tried to fool ourselves into thinking that assisted living would be enough for him, but it won't. He can't get off oxygen for more than a minute. When he has his oxygen mask on, the nurses come in telling him to stop taking it off, because his saturation levels look like he is taking it off. 

I think my boyfriend is feeling guilty over all of it. I want to tell him he shouldn't, because it's not his fault and it's not his father's fault either, but I'm afraid that's going to come off as condescending or placating. 

I just feel so helpless. In one way, I want to try to talk to him about what's going on, but I don't think he wants to talk too much about it. At the same time, I want to try to change the subject and get his mind off it, but I feel guilty about that because this is such a big deal. I don't know what to do.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't force him. He'll talk about it when he's ready, right now, it's just too much for him to process. But let him know, maybe not with words, but actions, that you're there for him, and when he does come out of his cave, he will see that you were there for him.

Judging by your previous posts, I can see that you are both level-headed and not into playing mind games. Don't try to crowd him now. Again, when he's ready, he'll talk, and THAT's when you will be there.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I am sorry your family is going through this.

But a couple of level-headed decisions need to be made about his care.

1. do not discharge him to your home and then decide to put him elsewhere. Huge, huge, huge hit to the wallet that won't occur if you go directly to a care facility from the hospital. Don't know why this is so, but it is. Happened to my dad.

2. Get a medical and financial trust set up with someone, his son, set up as executor. Do not wait on this. 

Transfer his assets into this trust. 

3. Keep his bills paid, including life insurance, home owners insurance, etc.

4. Ask him what his final wishes are.

I know this is a distasteful thing to broach with him. But it will be to his benefit, not just heirs.

Good luck to you.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Thank you, everyone. 

To michzz, he is going directly to hospice/palliative care from the hospital. My boyfriend is an over the road truck driver, so he is not home much, and we have 2 kids that have ADHD and 1 of the 2 we also suspect has some sort of sensory integration disorder. We all know that for me to try to handle the 2 kids, plus his father by myself would just be too much, and none of them can afford to be even mildly neglected. We had, months ago, when we thought his dad was still doing pretty good, considered moving him in with us and me helping him out, since at that time, it was just a little help he needed, mostly just reminders to eat and a little help in and out of the shower. But it's all gone drastically downhill since then, and we know that's just not a valid option any longer. 

To F-102, I'm definitely not forcing him. I ask him how his dad is doing daily, but other than that, I'm pretty much letting him take the lead in deciding when we talk about all of that. There's not much to discuss at this point, anyway, until we hear from the doctor who's doing the hospice/palliative care consult and we find out what the options are. 

To Pandakiss, that's what I'm afraid of. I've never had to really be there for someone when they've dealt with a death. My mom's stepmom died and she pretty much relied on my dad, so I didn't have to do anything other than go to the funeral. The closest I've been to this kind of thing is when I was still married to my ex and his grandfather died, and this was the sum total of it: 

Me: OMG, I'm so sorry. 
Him. Ah, I'm good. 

LOL My ex was not the most emotional of males. 

I'm just trying to figure out what to do. Obviously, as his girlfriend, I should definitely be doing more than his friends, but figuring out what that is isn't easy. I even wondered today, when the day comes that his father passes away, am I supposed to offer to help plan the funeral? And how do I bring up that we need to find out exactly what his father's wishes are when it comes to burial and the funeral? It seems so...heartless to just go "Hey, babe, now that we know your dad's only got about 6 months to go, what does he want us to do with him after he's gone?" I mean, obviously, I would not word it that way, but no matter how sensitively I phrase it, I'd feel like that's what I'm saying. 

*sigh* We seriously need to find that fountain of youth or something....this kind of stuff sucks.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your plate is full! No shame in that.

BTW, I mention the trust being set up sooner than later because once he can't do it, it is too late. Your BF's father has to be lucid.

Consult with a geratric attorney if you have to.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just thought I'd update you all. 

His father passed away yesterday morning. Although we knew it was coming, we did not expect it so soon. So far, my boyfriend seems to be dealing with it all right, but I'm not sure if that's because he was already making peace with it or if it just hasn't hit him yet. 

I'm looking into what we need to do to plan the service, he knows his dad wanted to be cremated, and he's going to begin making phone calls to get the ball rolling on things. He's got to call his dispatcher today and let them know he needs to get home ASAP. 

I just wanted to thank you all again for all your helpful words. I'm still having to feel my way through all this, but your words have helped me feel better that whatever I do will be enough.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm sorry. My sincerest sympathies.


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