# Need help.. Don't know what to do.



## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

Hi all. This is my first post here. I've been a frequent lurker but first time poster. I really need to let it out.

I am currently a 30 year old male. Got married at 26. No kids. Known each other for 2 years. Dated for 1 year and married. In the beginning, we both had strong feelings for each other and when we started dating, it was amazing. My wife is a year younger than me and we seemed to naturally hit it off. She is very beautiful, use to do professional modeling during her college years. It was good in the beginning and like all couples, we would have fights. However, things change and I feel like this rollercoaster ride has gone long enough.

I just feel like our personalities are too different. I am generally a more easy going guy, and well, she is not. I don't think I can live up to her expectations and read her mind. I'm very tired mentally.. My parents are also divorced and my father was away for most of my life. My mother has minor narcissistic personality disorder which caused me to walk on eggshells for a big portion of my childhood. Finally, when I was old enough, I ventured out on my own to find myself and my freedom and it was great for the time. I graduated from a good college, got a successful job, and a wife. It was good in the beginning but after marriage, I felt that my wife is mentally abusive. She would do things like get angry in public, attend to all her needs. Similar to that of a child who wants control. The abuse would trigger my anxiety related to my childhood. The childhood that I was able to rid myself of. This should have been a HUGE red flag (around 1 year into our marriage) but we talked about it and made up believing we would not have same fights. Still the fights continue. My wife has done some things that I would never dare to do to someone I love. During a trip, it was the first time my grandmother saw my wife. Everything was good until the moment my wife started saying my grandmother is "annoying" because she "talks to much". She then proceeded to walk out. People including myself were shocked, like she didn't care. She wasn't being mistreated at all. The fact that she can do something like that was heartbreaking. Her "f&ck this" attitude happend with my best friend's place as well. My best friend since I was 6 years old, invited my wife and I for a family dinner with my friends parents. It was the first time my wife met them as well. She got pissed off at me for something and just walked out. Left me in a very strange situation. She would also sometimes say she shouldn't have gotten married.  I tried to talk to her about the above but she rarely likes to admit any problem of hers unless it is some physical problem. I'm sure she knows that her impulses should have been controlled but still, she does not admit. 

My wife is not a bad person. She can be sweet and loving, which I love her for. We had good times, and bad. Like everyone else, she just wants to find happiness. It took me awhile to realize her happiness and mine are different. I should have realized it earlier. Not wrong, just different. I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and my wants/needs. Many things that use to interest me don't anymore. I tried in my own way to be the best partner for her. Always encouraging her to pursue her interests, spending time, respecting her. etc. I also support her financially 100%. She is a student. Sorry I'm just ranting all over the place. If I think about divorce, I do feel very sad but also slightly optimistic... Marriage counselor is practically non existent in this country so that is not an option. Don't know what I should do...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're not really providing enough examples of specific behavior/disagreements between the two of you. Really hard to get the full picture here.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Why was the first time your wife met your grandmother and your best friend was after you were married?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

How old is she? Also, read this post and see if it seems to apply to your wife: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-divorce-pending-please-help.html#post5650737.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Problem is you have a ill tempered wife with bad manners and is flat out self centered. Now you can continue to kiss her ass and walk on egg shells or open you mouth and tell her that if she can't act like an adult and learn how to show respect and get manners, then she can take her show on the road.

Either you take her crap a spoon full at a time or put a stop to it. Your choice. She's an embarrassment and you better realize that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds on the surface like NPD BPD or just...
well I'm not a doctor but you need to read this...

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

Thanks for the reply. Sorry about the low amount info. I just wanted to vent. Regarding some behavior/disagreement examples, here are some:

She gets easily offended with waiters/waitresses if their service is not up to par, and people in general.
If she starts to do something, she expects me to drop what I'm doing to help her.
When fighting, she constantly slams doors, throws things, and gives the silent treatment.
Rarely admits fault, etc. 
Goes from loving to hating.
Sometimes locks me out of the house if we get in a fight.
A lot of traits similar to people with BPD which I believe she has.

She also never tried to get along with my friends which caused some distance between friendships. I am not wealthy, not bad but still not to the point I can live lavishly. My wife says she doesn't care about being wealthy but sometimes compares her life to her friends and shoves it in my face. We live comfortably, no trouble with rent, expenses, or food. Some of her friends have husbands that are 20+ years older than they are and extremely wealthy people. 

After realizing our relationship was in danger, we tried to make it work and set plans and schedules to go out and build more memories with each other but something little can set her off and once we fight, our plans are usually postponed. We had planned an event for yesterday but due to her period cramps(her cramps are not always bad), she wanted to change it to the today (event was only for 2 days). I had today which she was aware of and once I told her that in a nice way, she got upset that I should've cared more about her aches and reschedule my own schedule. Once she's angry she usually lets her impulses take control. Like either packing her stuff and telling me to pack, just throwing a fit. 

When the times are good, its good. We spend time together, cook together most of the time, and other things couples do. Then I sometimes feel it can work. Then something sets her off and back to square one. I just feel like the more we fight, the more I just want to give up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Ok, if she has BPD (which it certainly sounds like, although I'm not a psychologist) then the situation will never get better. Fortunately you don't have any kids, which makes it easy: You need to get rid of her.


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

Thanks for the replies.



Starstarfish said:


> Why was the first time your wife met your grandmother and your best friend was after you were married?


My grandmother lives in another country and a very busy person so even I rarely meet her. My best friend also lives in a different country. She met him but not his parents.



technovelist said:


> How old is she? Also, read this post and see if it seems to apply to your wife: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-divorce-pending-please-help.html#post5650737.


She is 29 years old. I will take a look at the post thank you!




tom67 said:


> Sounds on the surface like NPD BPD or just...
> well I'm not a doctor but you need to read this...
> 
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


Thank you, I will check it out.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Do NOT have children with this woman until you decide which way things are going to go. Kids don't need to be brought into the middle of this chaotic life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have any friends? If so, do the two of you do things with her friends and how does she act around her friends?

Has she met your parents? How does she act around your parents?

Does she have a job? If so how does she get along with the people she works with.

From the little bit you have said, it sounds like she is trying to drive your friends and family away from you. This is what abusive people do to isolate their spouse so that they can more easily control their spouse.

Are you getting a divorce. It sounds like you might be.


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

HeartbrokenW said:


> Do NOT have children with this woman until you decide which way things are going to go. Kids don't need to be brought into the middle of this chaotic life.


I do not want any child to go through what I went through. I don't plan on having kids until I am completely okay with it. Thank you.




I just felt like every small or big fight we overcome is a good experience to become wiser. Believed that overcoming these difficult times and fighting for my marriage was worth it as we would become better people. I don't feel any wiser, just tired. Now, I just like to shut myself out.


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## MM29 (Dec 17, 2015)

It sounds like your wife is very selfish and disrespectful . If she cared about you she would show proper manners and courtesy to the ppl in your life. The fact that you have to walk in egg shells is not good. Don't get me wrong, all relationships have issues but she really needs to straighten up and You need to have a serious talk with her in regards to her behavior and figure out exactly what you want from this marriage. Can you really continue and make a life with someone who
Seems to be pushing away your family and friends?

I am going through a separation right now and this was my H idea but this time away from him has really made me examine exactly what I want and need, something you might want to consider ... All the best and I hope things workout for the best


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does she have any friends? If so, do the two of you do things with her friends and how does she act around her friends?
> 
> Has she met your parents? How does she act around your parents?
> 
> ...


Thank you for the reply.

Yes, she has friends and we meet occasionally for couples dates (dinner, lunch, etc). She is a good person when with her friends, talkative and nice. When with my friends, she acts a bit uninterested. 

No she does not have a job. She is a student and generally gets along with people there. However, she is quite judgemental and very picky about who she talks to.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your W sounds spoiled and entitled, you need to start demanding some respect. If she respected you, she would respect your family and friends, she does not have to like them, just be courteous as a minimum, not rude.


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

MM29 said:


> It sounds like your wife is very selfish and disrespectful . If she cared about you she would show proper manners and courtesy to the ppl in your life. The fact that you have to walk in egg shells is not good. Don't get me wrong, all relationships have issues but she really needs to straighten up and You need to have a serious talk with her in regards to her behavior and figure out exactly what you want from this marriage. Can you really continue and make a life with someone who
> Seems to be pushing away your family and friends?
> 
> I am going through a separation right now and this was my H idea but this time away from him has really made me examine exactly what I want and need, something you might want to consider ... All the best and I hope things workout for the best


Thank you for the reply. Yea, that part shocked me. I would never treat her family/relatives/or the people important to her with disrespect. 

I think some separation might be the best. Taking some time to figure out what we both really need in our own lives. I wish the best for you too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gao12 said:


> Thank you for the reply.
> 
> Yes, she has friends and we meet occasionally for couples dates (dinner, lunch, etc). She is a good person when with her friends, talkative and nice. When with my friends, she acts a bit uninterested.
> 
> No she does not have a job. She is a student and generally gets along with people there. However, she is quite judgemental and very picky about who she talks to.


So she knows how to act civil to people if she has friends of her own.

She is being disrespectful to your friends and your family for a very good reason. She's trying to isolate you and control you. It's working. So far you have allowed her to do this. So you cannot completely blame her for something that you allow.

If my spouse had treated anyone in my family the way she treated your grandmother, I would no longer be with them. While you were surprised and shamed by her behavior, you let it slide.

We teach people how to treat us. You have taught her that it's ok to treat you this way.

You say that you want to learn from your arguments and fights. Well the lesson you need to learn is that you should not be allow yourself to be treated this way. Nor should you allow your grandmother or friends to be treated like she did.

How do you think she would react if you treated her friends and family that way?

My suggestion is that you get the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".

While the book is written about men, there are women who are the same. It sounds like you married one of them. So when you read the book, just swap genders in your head.


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## gao12 (Dec 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> So she knows how to act civil to people if she has friends of her own.
> 
> She is being disrespectful to your friends and your family for a very good reason. She's trying to isolate you and control you. It's working. So far you have allowed her to do this. So you cannot completely blame her for something that you allow.
> 
> ...



Thanks for the response. I will definitely check out the book.


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## MM29 (Dec 17, 2015)

Believe me it's been hard especially since I wasn't the one who
Wanted this separation in the first place, I'm in the first month and it's been hard but through all this I'm getting smarter and seeing the things I was putting up with weren't right.. I think you should
Think of a separation just for yourself and to have time to relax, this move may also make your wife grow up.. You
Should
Start by following the 180 principles.. Keep in touch


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## MM29 (Dec 17, 2015)

The 180 - LoveShack.org Community Forums

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

9. Don't schedule dates together.

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your lifeâ?¦with out them!

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so availableâ?¦for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

gao12 said:


> She is 29 years old. I will take a look at the post thank you!


Ok, so she is older than a traditional student. What is she studying and when is she supposed to graduate?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

gao12 said:


> Thanks for the reply. Sorry about the low amount info. I just wanted to vent. Regarding some behavior/disagreement examples, here are some:
> 
> She gets easily offended with waiters/waitresses if their service is not up to par, and people in general.
> If she starts to do something, she expects me to drop what I'm doing to help her.
> ...


 Hate to say this but...........YOUR FAULT! Look in the mirror and see whose to blame. Your the one who chooses to live with ignorance and not put a stop to it. 

There comes a point in time when you have to say enough and either $h!t or get off the pot. The longer you let her get away with this bad behavior the harder it will be. Time to make a stand and let her know that you've had enough of it or continue to take it and sooner or later what friends you do have left are going to tell you to go pound salt and stay away because the woman is obnoxious.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hmm.

You had a narcissistic mother, and married a model. Who is high maintenance, bad tempered, and rude... Because she's hot and probably could always get away with it, right?

Having a wife with similar 'tendancies' for similar reasons... Here's what I recommend.

#1 lay down the law. Zero threats, use boundaries instead. As in "Wife, you will not treat my family/friends like that from this time forward, and if you do, you will not be included."

#2 do not allow her looks to distract you or make you sweep her behaviour under the rug. If your wife is like mine, her first response will be a full nuclear temper response -- expecting you to get scared because she's hot and has options. If that doesn't work, she will use her looks to make you 'look the other way' and forgive her without actually apologizing or changing. Don't allow this. Make your boundaries and stick to them.

#3 embarrassing her rather than covering for her works wonders if it doesn't stop. Do not white knight her. Do not shield her from the consequences of her own actions. Stay strong, stay true to yourself, and if that means going to bed alone so be it. You need to always act from a place of strength around women like this. If she storms out with family or friends, let her go, and laugh loudly about it. "Oh, that's just my wife -- if she's not the center of attention, she flips out like a child."

By the way, that's what all this is likely about. Your grandmother didn't talk to much, she was the center of attention instead of your hot wife. She left your best friend's place because you were paying them attention instead of paying attention to her.

She's an attention *****. I'm married to one. Smell it a mile away.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

She sounds like a spoiled, entitled princess that is used to getting her way, and when she doesn't, she pitches a fit.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh, if she threatens to pack her stuff and leave, offer to help or hold the door open for her. I actually once physically held the front door open for her and said something like "be my guest, but you're not coming back."

Did she leave? No. Did she settle down? Yes.

If she tells you to pack, just laugh and walk away.

I know this stuff sounds a bit sophomoric, but it really is the only way to play the game with someone who thinks they are holding all the cards. Call their bluff.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

gao12 said:


> A lot of traits similar to people with BPD which I believe she has.


GAO, I agree with @*technovelist* and you that the behaviors you describe -- e.g., temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, emotional abuse, and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving) and Hyde (hating) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. As you likely already know from your reading, BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.



> My wife is not a bad person. She can be sweet and loving, which I love her for.


BPDers are not "bad" people. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, emotionally unstable. Like young children, BPDers can flip quickly from an angry mood into a very loving and caring mood. This child-like warmth of expression, emotional purity, and vulnerability can make BPDers very easy to fall in love with. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.



> I feel like I'm losing my sense of self and my wants/needs.


If your W really does have strong BPD traits, your loss of "sense of self" is exactly what you should be feeling. This is an unavoidable result of walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her irrational anger.



> She gets easily offended with waiters/waitresses if their service is not up to par, and people in general.


This is a narcissistic trait, not a BPD trait. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those having full-blown BPD -- are high functioning folks who generally interact very well with casual friends, business associates, waiters, and total strangers. NONE of those people pose a threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the fear of engulfment. But a third of female BPDers also have strong traits of Narcissistic PD.

As to your W's hostile behavior around your relatives and friends, it is very unlikely they are triggering her two fears -- as I just explained above. Hence, if she is a BPDer, this rude behavior likely would be explained by co-occurring NPD traits or by her desire to isolate you away from all friends and family, so as to better control you and thus reduce her fear of abandonment.



> Marriage counselor is practically non existent in this country so that is not an option.


If your W is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), marriage counseling almost certainly would be a total waste of time because a BPDer's issues go far beyond a lack of communication skills (which is what MCs are good at teaching).



> Don't know what I should do...


My advice, GAO, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read more about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion -- and to help you avoid staying in a relationship that may be toxic to both of you.

I therefore join *technovelist* in suggesting you take a quick look at the list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join *technovelist* and other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, GAO.


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