# In your relationship does your wife put you first or the kids? Does it matter?



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

During premarital counseling my wife and I were surprised to find out that all the material we were provided recommended that we put each other first in our relationship over everyone else, children included. At the time we found this odd. Even a bit selfish and/or cruel. The thought process is that the kids will benefit more from being the product of a healthy loving relationship. At least according to our counselor. We've followed this and nearly fifteen years later we still feel that "new love" feeling.

So whats my point? After reading several threads on emotionally detached wives that have withdrawn from all physical contact but swear they still love their husbands. I have to wonder is there only room to be a wife or a mother. If your spouse's focus switches too far towards he mother side of things does that mean that the husband becomes the oldest child in her mind? Does it mean she starts to see herself as a less sexual being? 

I'm not saying that some woman can't juggle both just fine, but I do wonder if those that have lost the lust for their husbands and don't know why, haven't somehow just lumped him in as another individual that needs to be clothed and fed.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The mother of my children put the kids above all else. She is now my ex wife.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yep.. My marriage failed.

Me and the relationship were dead last on priorities. We were the first sacrifice made whenever anything else needed done. Sex life was just ‘a part’ of that. As best I can describe it, she seemed to believe “I do” made it all locked in stone and secure from the minute those vows were made.... and “they lived happily ever after” (regardless of the onslaught of offenses against the marriage and strains in the relationship).


----------



## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.

So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or

Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I should probably clarify something. Just because my wife puts my needs first it doesn't mean that my kids are dressed in soiled clothing and eating gruel. It means that we don't go overboard and lose sight of the foundation of everything. We made the kids in love so we'd better stay in love! 

It seems like everybody wants to be super mom and super dad. A lot of kids have so many activities scheduled that the parents don't even see each other. Weekly date nights are replaced with family dinners at restaurants with balloons and crayons. My wife and I love our children, we just don't base our lives on what they want. 

I guess what I am trying to figure out is what turns a normal emotional being into a Stepford wife? I think a lot of the advice we give the men on the boards emphasizes that they have the power to change things for the better by changing themselves. That may work in some cases but when you start reading the threads most of the women don't even notice them anymore, yet still proclaim love.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobbieb65 said:


> We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.
> 
> *So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. * This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or
> 
> Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


That is exactly how my ex wife saw things, but she was absolutely wrong. She was living vicariously through the kids. Making sure they had everything that she never had. Always looking for the pat on the back from anyone who would give her one about how great of a mom she was. She was being very selfish. I had to work 12 hours per day to support the family as she drove us to bankruptcy and forclosure with her spending on the kids. I was being selfless.

My biggest mistake was not stopping her behaviour.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

There was a time, when our children were small that my wife did put the kids ahead of me. I wanted her to put those tiny infants ahead of me...

But, she never did it 24/7. She made a conscientious effort to make sure my needs were also met... And, to help her, I got her a maid. Yep.. she was a SAHM and she had a maid!.

We have also made a point to take long weekends in which we went out of town to spent time focused on each other. We'd leave Friday morning and come home Sunday PM. And, by the time Sunday morning rolled around.. BOTH of us were missing the kids.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

bobbieb65 said:


> We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.
> 
> So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or
> 
> Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


That doesn't seem like a good mind set for successful marriage whether both agree or not. More like a recipe for growing apart. Guess I will see in a few months.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

bobbieb65 said:


> We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.
> 
> So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or
> 
> Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


You make some good points, but I don't necessarily agree with the part where you say that men bump there wife down below work when they are no longer #1. If anything I think they start doing sit ups, wearing cologne, buying flowers, houses, cars, etc. etc. Anything to get some attention.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

bobbieb65 said:


> We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.
> 
> So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or
> 
> Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


Selfless? I think not! Many of the moms go overboard because they get a vicarious thrill out of their child's achievements. It actually hurts kids developmentally to have that amount of parental involvement and oversight. 

And then after a few years of this the mom loses her identity altogether because she's spent so much time occupying her kids' lives. Sad, really. As parents you are supposed to encourage curiosity and independence and instead these moms (mostly) micromanage their kids in every aspect of their lives and over praise them for every minor achievement. 

The end result is that the kids leave home (hopefully they are functional enough to do that) and the mom has no kids and a marriage not worth having anymore.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That is exactly how my ex wife saw things, but she was absolutely wrong. She was living vicariously through the kids. Making sure they had everything that she never had. Always looking for the pat on the back from anyone who would give her one about how great of a mom she was. She was being very selfish. I had to work 12 hours per day to support the family as she drove us to bankruptcy and forclosure with her spending on the kids. I was being selfless.
> 
> My biggest mistake was not stopping her behaviour.


If I could, I'd like this 10 times. This is exactly what happened with my wife as well.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> If I could, I'd like this 10 times. This is exactly what happened with my wife as well.


I have a feeling that there are an awful lot of women who fall into this trap and then wonder what the hell happened when it all falls apart.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't think it's about putting someone first, it's about prioritizing needs. In our family everyone is important everyone is equal. There are times when children need us. I don't think my husband would be ok with me not tending to my child if he's sick with pneumonia, to have a date night with him.

Both are equally important. If I don't take care of my son, I would be a horrible person and put him in danger. If I don't take time for my husband, I'm putting my marriage at risk. It's about what's going on at the moment. It's also about understanding that our spouse does not love us more or less than our child.

As a family we work to meet everyone's needs. My son wont go into shock if I leave him with a sitter to be with my husband. It's about balance, you also have to take time for yourself too.

I can see how some people can lose themselves in trying to over do it and become mother of the year. That could be from internal issues perhaps from their own childhood. Maybe a helicopter mom is like that because her mother never cared for her. I would hope that if this is going on, the husband would speak up instead of growing resentment.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I have a feeling that there are an awful lot of women who fall into this trap and then wonder what the hell happened when it all falls apart.


No lie, just two weeks ago I got word that she was photo blitzing Facebook with pictures of her and the kids on vacation. She called herself "the coolest mom ever". 

Cool moms don't divorce dad so they can have their freedom. Cool moms don't wear clothes to divorce meetings that allow the whole room to see her underwear and b00bs to hanging out.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> No lie, just two weeks ago I got word that she was photo blitzing Facebook with pictures of her and the kids on vacation. She called herself "the coolest mom ever".
> 
> Cool moms don't divorce dad so they can have their freedom. Cool moms don't wear clothes to divorce meetings that allow the whole room to see her underwear and b00bs to hanging out.


Maybe she meant it as cold and dsitant or misspelled cruel.

Either way that sucks, I'm sorry.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

mablenc said:


> I don't think it's about putting someone first, it's about prioritizing needs. In our family everyone is important everyone is equal. There are times when children need us. I don't think my husband would be ok with me not tending to my child if he's sick with pneumonia, to have a date night with him.
> 
> Both are equally important. If I don't take care of my son, I would be a horrible person and put him in danger. If I don't take time for my husband, I'm putting my marriage at risk. It's about what's going on at the moment. It's also about understanding that our spouse does not love us more or less than our child.
> 
> ...


Of course no one is saying that a sick child shouldn't be the priority. It is the "mother of the year/decade/century" syndrome that is the problem. And many men, myself included, point it out and are met by a woman in complete denial. The resentment is quite valid and unavoidable in that case. And it leaves men wondering if their wives had planned the whole debacle from the start. 

Do women lose their minds when they have kids? Is it that easy to become consumed by them to the point of losing perspective?


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Maybe she meant it as cold and dsitant or misspelled cruel.
> 
> Either way that sucks, I'm sorry.


It's all cool now. I see her how she is and am better off. 

About your earlier post, it's not a matter of loving more or less necessarily. It's a different love. 

Marriage is when two become one. You love the other as you love yourself. Love is expressed in more ways between husband and wife (sex, support, etc). Each of these are important to maintain the relationship. This relationship provides the security and foundation children need.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> No lie, just two weeks ago I got word that she was photo blitzing Facebook with pictures of her and the kids on vacation. She called herself "the coolest mom ever".
> 
> Cool moms don't divorce dad so they can have their freedom. Cool moms don't wear clothes to divorce meetings that allow the whole room to see her underwear and b00bs to hanging out.


HA! Are you sure we weren't married to the same woman??? My ex has said the same thing about herself, along with just about every other self lauding thing that can be said...all of it relating to the kids.

She is also NPD...


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Of course no one is saying that a sick child shouldn't be the priority. It is the "mother of the year/decade/century" syndrome that is the problem. And many men, myself included, point it out and are met by a woman in complete denial. The resentment is quite valid and unavoidable in that case. And it leaves men wondering if their wives had planned the whole debacle from the start.
> 
> Do women lose their minds when they have kids? Is it that easy to become consumed by them to the point of losing perspective?


I have a child with special needs, so very experienced in this matter. But you can bet I always try to balance things. If at times I feel I'm neglecting my husband not only do I try harder to be with him I also ask him how he is feeling and reaffirm my love to him. 

I think that if a spouse is putting the children first, they are not fully committed to the marriage which is a shame because I'm willing to bet life as a single mother is not easy.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I don't think it's about putting someone first, it's about prioritizing needs. In our family everyone is important everyone is equal. There are times when children need us. I don't think my husband would be ok with me not tending to my child if he's sick with pneumonia, to have a date night with him.
> 
> Both are equally important. If I don't take care of my son, I would be a horrible person and put him in danger. If I don't take time for my husband, I'm putting my marriage at risk. It's about what's going on at the moment. It's also about understanding that our spouse does not love us more or less than our child.
> 
> ...


I do agree that prioritizing is key but the examples you gave were extreme. Of course I wouldn't want my wife focusing on me if one of my kids was seriously ill. To me putting the spouse first means not making the kids the center of attention all the time, which you seem to agree with. I also believe that some boundaries should be set.

Using my life as an example there are boundaries in place that a lot of people don't have. My kids have never slept in the marital bed and never will. If the boogie man comes we lie next to them in their bed until they fall asleep, then come back to our room. I have a friend whose daughter slept in his bed for three years because his wife thought it was cute. You can't have a normal relationship that way.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> It's all cool now. I see her how she is and am better off.
> 
> About your earlier post, it's not a matter of loving more or less necessarily. It's a different love.
> 
> Marriage is when two become one. You love the other as you love yourself. Love is expressed in more ways between husband and wife (sex, support, etc). Each of these are important to maintain the relationship. This relationship provides the security and foundation children need.


Agree and as humans we need these types of love to strive, I would not have my child without my husband. My child represents that union you speak of. Because my child is part of us and our love, I cherish him for being a living breathing part of us. I honor my husband in taking care of my son, and I owe it to my son to care for his father.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Agree and as humans we need these types of love to strive, I would not have my child without my husband. My child represents that union you speak of. Because my child is part of us and our love, I cherish him for being a living breathing part of us. I honor my husband in taking care of my son, and I owe it to my son to care for his father.


Perfect. :smthumbup:


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I do agree that prioritizing is key but the examples you gave were extreme. Of course I wouldn't want my wife focusing on me if one of my kids was seriously ill. To me putting the spouse first means not making the kids the center of attention all the time, which you seem to agree with. I also believe that some boundaries should be set.
> 
> Using my life as an example there are boundaries in place that that a lot of people don't have. My kids have never slept in the marital bed and never will. If the boogie man comes we lie next to them in their bed until they fall asleep, then come back to our room. I have a friend whose daughter slept in his bed for three years because his wife thought it was cute. You can't have a normal relationship that way.


Yeah it's extreme, but I'm speaking of my experience with a special needs child, who health this year has finally improved. The situation I described about the nebulizer was at least once a month for over a week.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Yeah it's extreme, but I'm speaking of my experience with a special needs child, who health this year has finally improved. The situation I described about the nebulizer was at least once a month for over a week.


Neither of our children are special needs. That does add an extra dimension to the situation. (My step-daughter has a special needs child which was taking a lot of my wife's attention for a while)

But, when we had a child who was sick.. (a temporarily special needs child).. if it went on more than a day or two... my wife would TELL me that she knew she was neglecting me and that as soon as the child was well.. she'd make it up to me.

My wife and I have a very, very good relationship. Hey, when my child need special attention.. I wanted that child go get it... as long as it took. My focus was on that child getting well also. 

It was never a problem with me that I wasn't getting enough attention temporarily... But, it was nice to hear my wife tell me.. And how did I respond? My attitude was, "take care of that baby first!!!" 

I NEVER felt neglected by my wife. 

My wife is a natural born caregiver. I am not.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

hambone said:


> Neither of our children are special needs. That does add an extra dimension to the situation. (My step-daughter has a special needs child which was taking a lot of my wife's attention for a while)
> 
> But, when we had a child who was sick.. (a temporarily special needs child).. if it went on more than a day or two... *my wife would TELL me that she knew she was neglecting me and that as soon as the child was well.. she'd make it up to me.*
> 
> ...


That right there makes all the difference.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> No lie, just two weeks ago I got word that she was photo blitzing Facebook with pictures of her and the kids on vacation. She called herself "the coolest mom ever".


A good friends ex-wife does this too. She was definitely super mom. An extreme dance and cheer mom. Based on her facebook page every weekend appears to be a new adventure. 

I wouldn't read too much into facebook though. His wife was still calling her husband the love of her life while he was sleeping in the basement for over two years.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> That right there makes all the difference.


I see this TOTALLY differently.

We have four young children, so as you can imagine, one or more of them get poorly quite regularly and pass it round.

It's a fair split between who will take care of them when we're both at home. Hubz tends to sleep in with the younger two if they are ill, and take care of them. Yes it takes away from "our" time. But I'd never expect him to "make it up". I'd genuinely be more concerned that he was worried about me feeling neglected whilst something far more important took precedence. I can wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In a healthy marriage, IMO, couples should put one another first, then _jointly_ put their (young) children's needs above their own.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My mother tells me that when my cousin was diagnosed with Leukemia, my aunt neglected her other daughter. Now decades since the death of my cousin, that relationship never recovered. 

I always wonder how parents divide their time between the special needs child and the non special needs child.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

It would definitely be a jerk move for any spouse to be resentful for the other tending to sick children. What I was referring to in my original post was everyday life. Are you mostly invisible to your spouse when the kids are around? Is your spouse affectionate towards you in front of the kids (not gross stuff, tender loving stuff)? Does your spouse exhaust themselves so much with the children that their bed time is roughly five minutes after the kids go to sleep like everyday?


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> It would definitely be a jerk move for any spouse to be resentful for the other tending to sick children. What I was referring to in my original post was everyday life. Are you mostly invisible to your spouse when the kids are around? Is your spouse affectionate towards you in front of the kids (not gross stuff, tender loving stuff)? Does your spouse exhaust themselves so much with the children that their bed time is roughly five minutes after the kids go to sleep like everyday?


My wife was a SAHM. When the kids got home from school (wife always took and picked up until they were big enough to drive), they got their mother's undivided attention. When I got home from work... I would spend a few minutes with the kids before sitting down and reading the paper or just vegetating. 

Since my wife didn't work... she had plenty of energy and time for the kids. She had all day to get housework and stuff done. 

And, once we got in bed... She always had time for me. 

Before we had kids,she brought me breakfast in bed.. turned on my shower water... laid my clothes out... oh... it was heaven. 

That said, I can see where a working mom... gets home at 6pm... she's having to do house work... etc. etc. SOMETHING has got to fall off the plate.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> My mother tells me that when my cousin was diagnosed with Leukemia, my aunt neglected her other daughter. Now decades since the death of my cousin, that relationship never recovered.
> 
> I always wonder how parents divide their time between the special needs child and the non special needs child.


I still can't get myself to have another child for this reason, I'm afraid I will be overwhelmed and it's not fair to the other child.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

hambone said:


> My wife was a SAHM. When the kids got home from school (wife always took and picked up until they were big enough to drive), they got their mother's undivided attention. When I got home from work... I would spend a few minutes with the kids before sitting down and reading the paper or just vegetating.
> 
> Since my wife didn't work... she had plenty of energy and time for the kids. She had all day to get housework and stuff done.
> 
> ...


Geez you're spoiled. Treasure that woman. 

With that said I know quite a few guys that are married to SAHMs that have absolutely zero energy after spending all day with the kids and are in what I would call a sexless marriage. Maybe I've got it backwards and its not too much focus on the kids. Could it be that the kids are the final box to check after marriage for some women? Meaning intentional or not once some couples have children the wife is content at that point.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Geez you're spoiled. Treasure that woman.
> 
> With that said I know quite a few guys that are married to SAHMs that have absolutely zero energy after spending all day with the kids and are in what I would call a sexless marriage. Maybe I've got it backwards and its not too much focus on the kids. Could it be that the kids are the final box to check after marriage for some women? Meaning intentional or not once some couples have children the wife is content at that point.


A very short sighted way to behave, IMO. If they've neglected their marriage in favour of the children, when the children fly the nest they're going to find themselves in a pretty lonely place.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Geez you're spoiled. Treasure that woman.
> 
> With that said I know quite a few guys that are married to SAHMs that have absolutely zero energy after spending all day with the kids and are in what I would call a sexless marriage. Maybe I've got it backwards and its not too much focus on the kids. Could it be that the kids are the final box to check after marriage for some women? Meaning intentional or not once some couples have children the wife is content at that point.


Some women check the box after they are married. My first wife did that. Active sex life before marriage... after "I DO.." "Gonna need a little more time to get used to this!" What???? we were doing just fine before she ate that wedding cake! Divorced after 2.5 years. Not only did she stop the sex, no more cooking, cleaning, no nothing except riding around in the new car I bought her eating lunch with her friends. She was a SAHM... only without kids. And she couldn't keep me fed, clothed, etc. 

ok. Let me qualify this... I've posted this once before but it is appropriate to post this information here.

When the kids were little, before they went to school, every single freaking night... when I got home from work... I'm dog tired... my wife had to go to the grocery store for a gallon of milk.. OMG. it took her 2 freaking ours (or longer) to get 1 (one) of milk. I got wise, I began to call before I left work... to see if she needed a gallon milk. Didn't matter if I stopped and got a gallon of milk... She'd need go some some other perishable. Then, one day, in the break room.. a coworker asked if anyone knew of a used refrigerator they could buy... Light bulb went off. "SURE!!! I'll sell you mine" and I'll buy a freaking humongous fridge... one that will hold 2 gallons of milk... and more. So I do it... I sell like my 17 cubic foot fridge and buy a 25 cubic foot fridge.... Problem solved!!!

Nope. About the 3rd day after I bought the fridge and she's STILL going to the store every evening... it dawns on me..."this ain't got NOTHIN' to do with milk." This ... is about mother's time off.... She is taking a break from the kids.

BUT. she ALWAYS made time for me once the lights went out!!!


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can sympathize with the main carer wanting some time off. I've baby sat my nieces and nephew when they were young. trying to instill some good habits in them like cleaning up after themselves takes patience. After awhile a less dedicated soul may want to to doeverything for them and then it's done sooner.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> During premarital counseling my wife and I were surprised to find out that all the material we were provided recommended that we put each other first in our relationship over everyone else, children included. At the time we found this odd. Even a bit selfish and/or cruel. The thought process is that the kids will benefit more from being the product of a healthy loving relationship. At least according to our counselor. We've followed this and nearly fifteen years later we still feel that "new love" feeling.
> 
> So whats my point? After reading several threads on emotionally detached wives that have withdrawn from all physical contact but swear they still love their husbands. I have to wonder is there only room to be a wife or a mother. If your spouse's focus switches too far towards he mother side of things does that mean that the husband becomes the oldest child in her mind? Does it mean she starts to see herself as a less sexual being?
> 
> I'm not saying that some woman can't juggle both just fine, but I do wonder if those that have lost the lust for their husbands and don't know why, haven't somehow just lumped him in as another individual that needs to be clothed and fed.


I was a woman who did get caught up in my children.. but to give some background...I can see how this happened... we started out wanting a larger family...(I was an only child & so wanted my children to have siblings -an experience I never had)..... Me & the husband was very close/ inseparable in the beginning.....it was all good...then after our 1st son...we hit infertility for over 6+ yrs.. 

I was a basket-case at times feeling we'd never fulfill our dreams of this larger family we had planned/ dreamed of ..... he was very good to me during that time..helped "carry me" - he was my lighthouse during what felt like some emotional storms ... 

So when the dam broke, after a surgery to unbind my tubes... the babies started coming - another 5 in 9 yrs...well I was so overwhelmed with Thankfulness for these precious gifts.... I seemed to forget the man who helped me get them ! I had them in bed with us, sprawled out on the floor underneath us, our bedroom door was always open. He just let it go on.. 

This should have never been!! My husband should have been #1 - and always... Ironically I was never TIRED... or pushed him away for those reasons, I just had my mind other places. That's it. 

I would warn every woman to NOT do this.. .if the marriage is a good one, to keep her focus primarily on her husband...we were still very close throughout all of this, we did everything together as a family.. but we never took time out for* JUST US*....never took a Romantic vacation till we hit mid life... this was really mindless looking back. 

A woman can surely do both. I do both now... but it's true, I give the kids less attention.. 5 are boys and they could care less anyway.... sometimes I think our daughter is jealous of all the time we spend together though....she'd like a little more of my attention. Thank God for little girlfriends- they are heaven sent !


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was a woman who did get caught up in my children.. but to give some background...I can see how this happened... we started out wanting a larger family...(I was an only child & so wanted my children to have siblings -an experience I never had)..... Me & the husband was very close/ inseparable in the beginning.....it was all good...then after our 1st son...we hit infertility for over 6+ yrs..
> 
> I was a basket-case at times feeling we'd never fulfill our dreams of this larger family we had planned/ dreamed of ..... he was very good to me during that time..helped "carry me" - he was my lighthouse during what felt like some emotional storms ...
> 
> ...


There has to be a balance... between the kids and your husband. A loving husband understands that mom has to devote attention to those kids. And, it is going to be on the kids schedule when they are younger. The younger they are.. the more attention they require. 

At the same time... Mom has to understand that she has got to carve out a little time for dad...


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> A good friends ex-wife does this too. She was definitely super mom. An extreme dance and cheer mom. Based on her facebook page every weekend appears to be a new adventure.
> 
> I wouldn't read too much into facebook though. His wife was still calling her husband the love of her life while he was sleeping in the basement for over two years.


She is not super mom. She is living through the kids.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I really hope that I can get this balance thing right. I keep having this dream that the baby is here and me and my H are getting busy and the baby start crying. I want to get up and he say we can finish in 2 minutes! But then it seem like it's more like 20 minute and the baby is yelling to top of her lung. 

I told my H about it and he "why are you so concern about having time for sex when the baby is here? She guaranteed to sleep for at least an hour sometime during the night." Before I can get through this sentence, "Because on TAM there are so many complaints ... he just roll his eyes and say "there you go again with that forum stuff"


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> She is not super mom. She is living through the kids.


I agree. Lots of parents are guilty of this. In my area the sports dads are worse than the dance and cheer moms. I feel so bad when I see kids with limited athletic ability being ushered from one camp to another because their dads didn't make the high school basketball team.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I really hope that I can get this balance thing right. I keep having this dream that the baby is here and me and my H are getting busy and the baby start crying. I want to get up and he say we can finish in 2 minutes! But then it seem like it's more like 20 minute and the baby is yelling to top of her lung.
> 
> I told my H about it and he "why are you so concern about having time for sex when the baby is here? She guaranteed to sleep for at least an hour sometime during the night." Before I can get through this sentence, "Because on TAM there are so many complaints ... he just roll his eyes and say "there you go again with that forum stuff"


I wouldn't sweat it. You'll be fine. Honestly my wife and I have always been pretty active in the sex department. But with a newborn it just isn't possible. For the first kid it honestly took us six months to get back to normal. We were still intimate in those first six months but so much had changed. We snapped back quicker on the other kids but it still takes a while to get used to a new addition. 

Also forget date nights for a while. At least for us we didn't even trust our parents alone with our newborns for more than a half hour or so.

The above probably seems contradictory to my original post. Keep in mind the original post was really about women who completely put their husbands on the back burner once they have kids and never look back. For the lack of a better term their husbands begin to feel as though they are just sperm donors. That is what I was focusing on.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> In a healthy marriage, IMO, couples should put one another first, then _jointly_ put their (young) children's needs above their own.


THIS... is how we roll!


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I really hope that I can get this balance thing right. I keep having this dream that the baby is here and me and my H are getting busy and the baby start crying. I want to get up and he say we can finish in 2 minutes! But then it seem like it's more like 20 minute and the baby is yelling to top of her lung.
> 
> I told my H about it and he "why are you so concern about having time for sex when the baby is here? She guaranteed to sleep for at least an hour sometime during the night." Before I can get through this sentence, "Because on TAM there are so many complaints ... he just roll his eyes and say "there you go again with that forum stuff"


Tell him this... If you get up at the first wimper... MAYBE you can just stick that pacifier back in her mouth and everything is cool and you'll be back in bed before he can snap his fingers.

HOWEVER. the longer that baby cries...the more they wake up.. the longer it's going to take for you to get that baby comforted and back to sleep.

Also, you need to go hop in bed as soon as the baby is asleep. Don't wait until the kid is 4 hours in their nap before you decide to get busy. If he resist that... OK.. when that baby starts waking up... you're out of there.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

bobbieb65 said:


> We women put the child/children first because they are helpless. They can't take care of themselves whereas the H is a grown adult who has the means to do so. The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.
> 
> So a women see's herself as being selfless and her H as being selfish. This is when the resentment comes in and takes over resulting in disengaging from ones spouse.or
> 
> Maybe the order should be children 1st, spouse 2nd, home 3rd, job 4th, etc. More importantly is that you both have the same agreed upon list and stick to it!!!


Yeah in my experience putting the children first leads to marriage problems. In addition if the mother goes overboard with the children do not be shocked when hubby starts withdrawing and seeing other women. 



bobbieb65 said:


> The man, no longer being the #1 priority on his W's list, bumps her down below his job/career.


Yeah I disagree with this. If the wife is putting the children before the husband always then surely the sex life declines, if anything this makes the man MORE desperate for vagina, and so he might do more to try and seduce his wife. 

The only times a man puts his career before his wife is when he is not truly in love with her, and men who put a career before the wife likely will be getting action from other women on the side.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

hambone said:


> There has to be a balance... between the kids and your husband. A loving husband understands that mom has to devote attention to those kids. And, it is going to be on the kids schedule when they are younger. The younger they are.. the more attention they require.


 My husband was TOO LOVING, TOO unselfish and frankly, I had enough energy to give him the world....I was never a tired Mom, never had a headache either... I handled the babies, the house ... easily (didn't even have TAM back then )..... he would still fall asleep before me, and all that stuff...

My priorities were just not balanced... Though I probably gave him more time, even affection than many wives even then...because I always enjoyed his being with me, near me...just about every night, we lay down cuddled up to a lifetime movie, he'd twirl my hair, we always had "time" together, it kept us bonded. 



> At the same time... Mom has to understand that she has got to carve out a little time for dad...


 YEP - more frisky time


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband was TOO LOVING, TOO unselfish and frankly, I had enough energy to give him the world....I was never a tired Mom, never had a headache either... I handled the babies, the house ... easily (didn't even have TAM back then )..... he would still fall asleep before me, and all that stuff...
> 
> My priorities were just not balanced... Though I probably gave him more time, even affection than many wives even then...because I always enjoyed his being with me, near me...just about every night, we lay down cuddled up to a lifetime movie, he'd twirl my hair, we always had "time" together, it kept us bonded.
> 
> YEP - more frisky time


My wife was 35 when we married... and 36 when our first was born.

She said she "sailed" through her first pregnancy and child (25YO). Wasn't so easy when she was 36. And, having our daughter when she was 2 months short of 40..."like to have killed her"...


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she put herself first.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...just about every night, we lay down cuddled up to a lifetime movie, he'd twirl my hair, we always had "time" together, it kept us bonded.


Maybe I'm over thinking things. Perhaps the secret to a happy marriage is watching lifetime movies together. We do this a lot and we are very happy. Those movies are so bad yet so addicting.


----------



## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> Yeah in my experience putting the children first leads to marriage problems. In addition if the mother goes overboard with the children do not be shocked when hubby starts withdrawing and seeing other women.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


True.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

My wife says the husband should always come first because finding a good man is harder than finding good children. Shes Ukrainian so it might be cultural since in Ukraine there is a demographic imbalance between the sexes so there is brutal competition between women for nonalcoholic men.


----------



## cinnamongirl (May 27, 2013)

My stbx husband put himself, our two kids and his bjj students before me. I didn't understand it at all. When I approached him with the idea that our relationship should be the priority, he became very defensive and told me that I was wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I don't put anyone ahead of anyone. Everyone gets as many of their needs met as possible as much of the time as possible.

It would only be a burning building situation or drowning, "who would you save" kind of thing that would be different. In that case I'd save the kids and so would my husband.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Quant said:


> My wife says the husband should always come first *because finding a good man is harder than finding good children.* Shes Ukrainian so it might be cultural since in Ukraine there is a demographic imbalance between the sexes so there is brutal competition between women for nonalcoholic men.


ain't that the truth. Plus plenty of children grow up and turn the back on the parents. In addition if the couple can't agree on things the children might see this and be able to play the parents against one another.

Also most men are scumbags, any man with a little girl would agree because any man with a daughter would NOT want his daughter dating 99% of the men on earth.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> ain't that the truth. Plus plenty of children grow up and turn the back on the parents. In addition if the couple can't agree on things the children might see this and be able to play the parents against one another.
> 
> *Also most men are scumbags*, any man with a little girl would agree because any man with a daughter would NOT want his daughter dating 99% of the men on earth.


You are painting with an awfully broad brush...

Maybe you hang with the wrong group...


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> ain't that the truth. Plus plenty of children grow up and turn the back on the parents. In addition if the couple can't agree on things the children might see this and be able to play the parents against one another.
> 
> Also most men are scumbags, any man with a little girl would agree because any man with a daughter would NOT want his daughter dating 99% of the men on earth.


99% of men aren't bad. I do think that a lot of men have bad intentions in their youth because their hormones are raging. As men mature though the majority of us eventually get our heads screwed on straight. I have a daughter and I'd like her to meet a nice guy and get married one day. If he turns out to be a not so nice guy. Daddy will take care of it.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Lyris said:


> I don't put anyone ahead of anyone. Everyone gets as many of their needs met as possible as much of the time as possible.


Is this really possible though? I would think trying to do this would burn someone out. I think a lot of mothers are trying to be super women (everything to everyone). I'm not sure if that is sustainable long term.

As a side note I'll admit that I am biased here. I've always been fascinated with the notion that a generation of women were seeking to "have it all". From the outside looking in it seems like a recipe for burn out.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Is this really possible though? I would think trying to do this would burn someone out. I think a lot of mothers are trying to be super women (everything to everyone). I'm not sure if that is sustainable long term.
> 
> _As a side note I'll admit that I am biased here. I've always been fascinated with the notion that a generation of women were seeking to "have it all". From the outside looking in it seems like a recipe for burn out._


I don't think it's possible for anyone to have it all, but with the right partner it's possible to have a bit of everything.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Is this really possible though? I would think trying to do this would burn someone out. I think a lot of mothers are trying to be super women (everything to everyone). I'm not sure if that is sustainable long term.


Everyone (DH, son, me) having as many needs met as as often as possible is my goal- it is my Best Case scenario. I work towards it but I understand and accept that it is not possible 100% of the time. It is possible quite a lot, though, in most circumstances. 



> As a side note I'll admit that I am biased here. I've always been fascinated with the notion that a generation of women were seeking to "have it all". From the outside looking in it seems like a recipe for burn out.


A wise woman (my mom) once told me, "You can have everything you want in life- just not at the same time."


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm a first time mom with a 2 week old son, so he takes up most of my time, but I still make some time for my husband. We have at least an hour or so each day for just us, as we relax together watching tv or just talking, while the baby sleeps. It's difficult having an infant, but we need that adult time. We have had my mom watch our son for a couple hours so we can get away, which has been great. We have been getting him used to using a bottle, so now we can stay out longer and my mom can feed him. We'll be going out this weekend for dinner and a movie, for our anniversary, and can't wait.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tobio said:


> I see this TOTALLY differently.
> 
> We have four young children, so as you can imagine, one or more of them get poorly quite regularly and pass it round.
> 
> ...


There was never any mention of an expectation. It was one partner acknowledging that they were aware that the needs of the other had been put on the back burner, but they had not forgotten about them.

Seriously, what would be wrong with your husband saying Hey babe, I know things have been pretty hectic with the kids being sick, and I haven't been paying as much attention to you as I'd like, but that'll be better soon.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The kids, the MIL, the cat, etc. etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Gingerly stepping a toe into the water here. In what ways are wives putting the kids first? My husband has never complained about this, but exactly what are we talking about? Is it the chauffeuring, homework, football practice, toddlers in the bed, etc? Husbands are not childish enough to be jealous of a sick child. Our four kids are all teenagers now so they don't want to be around us anymore😟. Maybe it's because my husband travels and isn't home during the week to feel neglected.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Is this really possible though? I would think trying to do this would burn someone out. I think a lot of mothers are trying to be super women (everything to everyone). I'm not sure if that is sustainable long term.
> 
> As a side note I'll admit that I am biased here. I've always been fascinated with the notion that a generation of women were seeking to "have it all". From the outside looking in it seems like a recipe for burn out.


I include myself in the "everyone" list, so no, I don't get burnt out.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Giro flee said:


> Gingerly stepping a toe into the water here. In what ways are wives putting the kids first? My husband has never complained about this, but exactly what are we talking about? Is it the chauffeuring, homework, football practice, toddlers in the bed, etc? Husbands are not childish enough to be jealous of a sick child. Our four kids are all teenagers now so they don't want to be around us anymore&#55357;&#56863;. Maybe it's because my husband travels and isn't home during the week to feel neglected.


Some specific things from my marriage and ex wife...I worked 12 hours a day so my daughter and youngest son could be in ice skating at a cost of about $1200/month. I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning to take them to practice several days a week. Her idea, not mine. When I got home from work, I was seldom able to eat until around 9:00pm because I was too busy running the kids here and there. They all ate earlier. I was lucky to eat with anyone except maybe once a week. She volunteered in the kids schools and spent five hours a day in them, and then spent nights organizing things for their schools. Family bed was her idea, and she was never willing to kick the kids out for a night so we could spend time together because they wouldn't sleep well in their own beds.

I am not completely blaming her for everything. I did not stand up to her, and that is on me.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> Gingerly stepping a toe into the water here. In what ways are wives putting the kids first? My husband has never complained about this, but exactly what are we talking about? Is it the chauffeuring, homework, football practice, toddlers in the bed, etc? Husbands are not childish enough to be jealous of a sick child. Our four kids are all teenagers now so they don't want to be around us anymore😟. Maybe it's because my husband travels and isn't home during the week to feel neglected.


I'm paraphrasing from this thread and others but here are some examples of putting kids first:

1) Neglecting their husbands emotional and physical needs, essentially treating them like they are just a paycheck now that the kids are in the picture. 

2) Going overboard with kids related activities. Trying to be the TV mom. Making the children the focus of everything and leaving nothing or very little of yourself for your husband.

I guess my feeling is that these and other similar behaviors can erode a loving relationship over time.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I'm paraphrasing from this thread and others but here are some examples of putting kids first:
> 
> 1) Neglecting their husbands emotional and physical needs, essentially treating them like they are just a paycheck now that the kids are in the picture.
> 
> ...


It kills me that dedicated parents can't even decide that there is a dedicated 30 minutes per day together. Even some of the moments could have kids involved, like a tv time or movie time.

Near bedtime, the husband and wife should look forward to sharing their love that they give to their family with each other - or when they wake in the morning.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Research in child development says that genetics is the fundamental contributing factor to a childs outcome not parenting as long as you are not abusive that is enough.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Quant said:


> Research in child development says that genetics is the fundamental contributing factor to a childs outcome not parenting as long as you are not abusive that is enough.


I disagree with that. I think our family of origin has a significant affect on our future relationships.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Quant said:


> Research in child development says that genetics is the fundamental contributing factor to a childs outcome not parenting as long as you are not abusive that is enough.


There are differing levels of abuse as well. Verbal abuse, favoritism. 

One thing that has helped my self-esteem is realising that my parents' opinions about me are completely different from the other people's opinion of me. So whereas my parents tell me that I am funny looking and I dress "all cruddy" that's not the message that I get in the big wide world. Considering how difficult they made it for me to make and maintain friendships in high school --my father felt that it was my job to babysit my younger siblings when they went out even though they could afford babysitters. Even in adulthood my parents have tried to choose my friends. 

For abusers, cutting thier victim's contact to the outside world is nirvana as well as overall mind control.

Just seems to me that the above quoted statement is a bit simplistic. If genetics matter THAT much, why do parents bother at all?


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> My wife is one of those. Background - we're in our late 40's and have two adopted kids (boy & girl just turned 2). She's waited a long time for kids, so she now tries to be Super Mom, making sure all the laundry is done, hanging around the kids all of the time (she claims that she can't sit to eat, which is BS). When I get home (which I try to be early as I don't want to get in trouble for not helping out), I help feed the kids, then take them out back to play while she cleans up. After that, I give them a bath, then it's wind down time. When they're down, I go to my home office to try to get some work done.
> 
> Since the kids have arrived, we've had sex one time. She's always too tired (although she could go to bed after they go down, she'd rather stay up to watch TV or play on the computer), and is constantly nagging me about the kids ("you're not feeding them right", "you're not cleaning them up right", "I have to do everything myself so it's done right"). She would like to have them sleep with us when they're scared, but I do put my foot down on that.
> 
> To sum up this rambling post, yes, my wife puts the kids way in front of me. I'm just her helper. She will complain that we don't communicate much, but to be honest, I have nothing to say to her, as anything that I say will just get her *****y, and I don't need that.


Really sorry to hear about your situation. I actually made the original post because I think scenarios like yours are more common than people think. Not to be Captain Obvious but have you tried talking to her about it?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> There are differing levels of abuse as well. Verbal abuse, favoritism.
> 
> One thing that has helped my self-esteem is realising that my parents' opinions about me are completely different from the other people's opinion of me. So whereas my parents tell me that I am funny looking and I dress "all cruddy" that's not the message that I get in the big wide world. Considering how difficult they made it for me to make and maintain friendships in high school --my father felt that it was my job to babysit my younger siblings when they went out even though they could afford babysitters. Even in adulthood my parents have tried to choose my friends.
> 
> ...


Sounds like your parents used the hell out of you. Tried to make you feel like **** and then want you to do all the work.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> There are differing levels of abuse as well. Verbal abuse, favoritism.
> 
> One thing that has helped my self-esteem is realising that my parents' opinions about me are completely different from the other people's opinion of me. So whereas my parents tell me that I am funny looking and I dress "all cruddy" that's not the message that I get in the big wide world. Considering how difficult they made it for me to make and maintain friendships in high school --my father felt that it was my job to babysit my younger siblings when they went out even though they could afford babysitters. Even in adulthood my parents have tried to choose my friends.
> 
> ...


I agree, upbringing does matter. Its one of the reason's why I scratch my head when people justify staying in miserable marriages "for the kids". You can't fake a loving relationship. Really young kids may not notice a difference, but older kids will surely recognize that something isn't quite right. 

I wouldn't want my kids to grow up thinking love and affection isn't part of marriage. I love kissing my wife and hearing the chorus of ewwwwwww from the kids. They are grossed out now but when they get older they will look back and realize that mom and dad were really in love.

A lot of the lessons we teach our kids don't resonate until later. I never knew why my parents bedroom was locked dang near every other morning until I got old enough to realize what was going on. Looking back on it they were quite ummmm active....I learned from them that long term relationships don't have to mean less sex.


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I really hope that I can get this balance thing right. I keep having this dream that the baby is here and me and my H are getting busy and the baby start crying. I want to get up and he say we can finish in 2 minutes! But then it seem like it's more like 20 minute and the baby is yelling to top of her lung.
> 
> I told my H about it and he "why are you so concern about having time for sex when the baby is here? She guaranteed to sleep for at least an hour sometime during the night." Before I can get through this sentence, "Because on TAM there are so many complaints ... he just roll his eyes and say "there you go again with that forum stuff"


Where is your baby going to sleep? I suggest a bassinet next to the bed or one of those side-bed things. It's less disruptive, you can deal with the baby without even getting out of bed.

I have a three month old. The baby often starts fussing during our love-making. We deal, it hasn't been a problem for us. My son's bassinet is at the foot of our bed. My husband likes the view when I am leaning over, patting baby's back to get him calmed down again. :smthumbup: H can keep touching me, etc.

Just get creative. And remember that an infant doesn't know what you're doing and won't remember any of it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Nynaeve said:


> Where is your baby going to sleep? *I suggest a bassinet next to the bed or one of those side-bed things. It's less disruptive, you can deal with the baby without even getting out of bed*.
> 
> I have a three month old. The baby often starts fussing during our love-making. We deal, it hasn't been a problem for us. *My son's bassinet is at the foot of our bed.* My husband likes the view when I am leaning over, patting baby's back to get him calmed down again. :smthumbup: H can keep touching me, etc.
> 
> *Just get creative. And remember that an infant doesn't know what you're doing and won't remember any of it*.


 I so agree ~ With our 1st son, we bought the whole wooden crib...what a waste of money...we didn't even use it... I didn't like the baby in the other room, I always wanted him/her near me, I am a light sleeper and it was comforting with a night light to see them breathing, sucking their binky, all of it...

We too used one of those pack & Play Bassinets near our bed, right next to me... this IS the way to go!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ReformedHubby said:


> A lot of the lessons we teach our kids don't resonate until later. I never knew why my parents bedroom was locked dang near every other morning until I got old enough to realize what was going on. Looking back on it they were quite ummmm active....*I learned from them that long term relationships don't have to mean less sex.*


Heck our kids KNOW what is happening.. not that they are thinking about it.... with sons in puberty, we all know where their heads are at.... it's very funny..how open we are in our family... One oldest comes home from College even asking us if he was interrupting something. 

We played scrabble once with our daughter, she was just 9 at the time...... "Lust" was the 1st word, she put down "sex" and giggled... we all were... I can't remember the other... she sees the title of some of my books....has told me I better remove one from the living room shelf - it is inappropriate..and someone might see it / like company. 

Our sons go around putting "*69*" on my microwave and timers to get a rise out of me... we have a good time. 

My daughter will have a better education than I did in my youth on all of these things..and nothing wrong with that! 

Better to have our kids see & feel "the love" between us ...in the presence of the house....that Mom & dad are really into each other...& have a "thriving" marriage... where as what the message generally is... 

All the single people are banging & enjoying sex and marriages are sexless...that is an awful message to send [email protected]#$ No wonder no one wants to get married today!


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> All the single people are banging & enjoying sex and marriages are sexless...that is an awful message to send [email protected]#$ No wonder no one wants to get married today!


I'm going to jack my own thread here. This perception actually used to make me really angry. I used to get irate when my wife would hang out with her divorced friends and they would brag about how great their sex life is. I felt like they were trying to tell her that being single is better. 

I was also equally annoyed when divorced guys I know were bragging about all the crazy sex they were having. Its like they were in the high school locker room again because they seemed to relish discussing the details.

It wasn't until one of my really close friends got divorced that I understood this behavior. People coming from troubled marriages a lot of times are either having terrible sex or no sex at all. So when they start having sex with an enthusiastic willing partner an awakening occurs. I no longer get upset at divorced people bragging about their sex lives. They're not trying to one up married people, they're just glad to feel alive and wanted again.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Nynaeve said:


> Where is your baby going to sleep? I suggest a bassinet next to the bed or one of those side-bed things. It's less disruptive, you can deal with the baby without even getting out of bed.
> 
> I have a three month old. The baby often starts fussing during our love-making. We deal, it hasn't been a problem for us. My son's bassinet is at the foot of our bed. My husband likes the view when I am leaning over, patting baby's back to get him calmed down again. :smthumbup: H can keep touching me, etc.
> 
> Just get creative. And remember that an infant doesn't know what you're doing and won't remember any of it.


I've been thinking about where the baby will sleep. Bassinet by our bed is what I'm leaning to so I was happy to see your and SA feedback on that. 

When you say you "Deal" how do you deal? Stop? Finish? Combination of both? I think it would be a instant mood killer! LOL


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Regarding sex, I know one of her problems is that she can't O, so I can understand why she doesn't enjoy it (in 14 years, I can only remember one time). She will say that we need to have sex, but then she'll complain that she's too tired. I honestly think she could go the rest of her life without sex and it wouldn't bother her.


Not having O's is a huge problem. Can you imagine having sex for years and years and years and *never *having an orgasm no matter how worked up you get? That must be hugely frustrating for her, and terribly devastating.


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

My husband is my first priority. That said, we are both mature enough to know that children need parenting, care and love.

The problem is the over-achieving message that keeps getting shoved down everyone's throats about this perfect childhood where the parents hover and ensure everything is all about the children.

If you continue to focus only on your kids, what happens when they grow up and get their own lives? Do you even know or like the person you're married to anymore?

I ensure to MAKE time for my husband, for us to spend time TOGETHER because he is important to me. 

It's also critical that men don't stop wooing or seducing their wives. Those sweet things you did while we were dating? Keep doing that!


----------



## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I've been thinking about where the baby will sleep. Bassinet by our bed is what I'm leaning to so I was happy to see your and SA feedback on that.
> 
> When you say you "Deal" how do you deal? Stop? Finish? Combination of both? I think it would be a instant mood killer! LOL


It depends on how fussy the baby is. But mostly we just kinda slow things down until the baby is sleeping again. I don't want to give TMI.... but, for example, once we finished in doggy while I was patting baby's back. Usually, we just put things on a slow simmer for a few minutes. Keep touching each other to keep the fire stoked, kiss, etc.

There's only been one time that we stopped altogether. And that was really because we were both so tired that in the time it took the baby to fall asleep (about 5 minutes) hubby and I had fallen asleep too. lol.

The first couple of times, it was kind of a mood killer for me when the baby started fussing. But I got used to it. Now it's a minor distraction and all it means is we need to change positions or back it off for a little while and then resume.

I realize that not all babies are as easily calmed as mine is. So YMMV. (Colicky babies may make this more difficult). And don't stress that for the first 6 weeks or so, full sex isn't going to be an option. The first 3 weeks were the hardest for me. I was _exhausted_. But you get into the swing of things and baby's schedule gets more regular in a few weeks. And you'll get the hang of how to nurse and do other things at the same time (eat, give your hubby a handjob  lol)


----------



## LostInNJ53 (May 24, 2013)

With my wife I am first in words only. When it comes to action...I'm dead last.


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Dead last to kids, facebook, movie clips on computer, sorting the recycling EVERY night when its only collected Fridays.....you get the idea.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

badcompany said:


> Dead last to kids, facebook, movie clips on computer, sorting the recycling EVERY night when its only collected Fridays.....you get the idea.


Your just a prop in your own life?


----------

