# How do I see the fine line of friendship vs. threat?



## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Some of you may be familiar with my thread regarding my H's EA with his coworker. We are now doing pretty well, and while we are still on the road to R, I am pretty optimistic about things. 

Along with the onslaught of emotional instability that follows an EA, I have found that I am having a hard time defining the line of friendships with the opposite sex. This situation has forced me to look back on my own behavior with male friends in trying to understand how these things happen. In doing so, I have found that some of my own friendships were lucky to have not fallen into the EA category. I have always been very friendly, and found it easy to talk to people in general. Growing up I was a tom-boy and found it easy to be friends with guys, even more so than girls. 

As an adult, many of my jobs have put me into environments where I have to be friendly whether I want to or not. I am no longer working, but for a number of years I worked in the restaurant business. This environment has a large number of male coworkers, and it seems that personal conversations are never a shortage. For those of you that work in the business , you probably know exactly what I am talking about. Others, may not fully understand, but it doesn't fall far from the movie Waiting lol. I have worked in this field since I was in college, when mingling was completely appropriate. And once I was married I obviously was not as open as before, but many of the conversations among restaurant coworkers often crossed the line, but I guess I was just used to it.

Now looking back, I am sure a number of my male "friends" would not have hesitated if I even hinted that I was interested in exploring outside my marriage. I'm sure that i knew this at the time, but I found it harmless because I would never do that. The danger wasn't as obvious as it is now with my new view on "friendships" with the opposite sex. 

Now I find myself viewing everyone as a threat to my marriage. Whether it be a male or female. I look at females with the opinion of "you're nice to me now, but it's just a matter of time". And all of the guys who are nice to me I think are doing so just until they find a vulnerability. 

A perfect example of this is a gentleman at my daughter's bus stop. He is very polite, very friendly, as is his son who is a couple years older than my daughter. I have met his wife, he has met my husband. I even mentioned to my husband that we should have them over for dinner because they are so nice. We have casual conversation each morning about various things, so today I asked him about youth sports leagues in the area. I am new to the area, and haven't a clue where to begin. He commented on how we have the love of sports in common, and knew of a few different options. He said he would text me the names of a few that he couldn't remember off the top of his head. I said that would be fine, and within minutes of walking through the door, he had texted me with a few. I thanked him and told him I appreciated the help. He told me that if I needed any other help to let him know. 

Throughout the day he texted me a couple of times, this time asking for my email so he could send me a few links to some leagues he had bookmarked on his computer. Again, I said that would be fine. Then he sends me his and tells me that now we can communicate that way too. Later he asked me if I found the information helpful, and what I was thinking about it. I had an appt for one of my pets at the vet, and told him I would look at it when I get home and let him know if it was. 

I did let him know that was able to find the info he sent, and thanked him again. He invited me to borrow any equipment that we may need if I wanted to practice with my daughter at the park, and said that he and his son do that often. He then procedes to ask how the vet appt went. He tells me it is so nice to have met me, and how he enjoys talking to me in the morning. I tell him it is nice to have made friends in the neighborhood, since I really hadn't made any since I moved here, and that everyone seems very nice. He tells me it is nice for him to, and he "hopes we keep in touch ", and if there's anything I need do not hesitate to text him. 

Am I being hypersensitive to the friendliness of this man? I mean I feel like before my H's EA I would have never thought twice about this conversation. But now, I feel so aware of the possibilities. I should also mention that this guy is native to a different country, and probably about 10 years older than me. I am thinking that it may be a cultural thing. I have known some men from South America who are very friendly, however they were kind of man-whorish, so that may not be a great example. But I know that the personal barriers in other countries are a lot different than here. I just find his persistance in keeping in touch, and having multiple ways of communicating to be setting up for the red flags that we talk about our WSs having with their OM/OW, and leading to the possibility of akwardness. But I don't want to be rude to the guy if he is genuinely being nice. I did tell my H that I was communicating with this guy about sports leagues. So I am not hiding any communication with this guy, even though I think my H may see the same confusion that I do. 

Bottom line - does anyone find it difficult to decifer through the intentions of people of the opposite sex? Now knowing the devastation that can be caused by a "friend", is it difficult to even have friends, especially new ones that aren't well known?

Sorry this post is a short novel


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If you are open about it with your husband that's a good thing. 

If you feel uncomfortable at any point, you don't have to be rude of course. But you can be a little more pointed in your answers. "Thanks" "Okay" "Will do" That sort of thing. Sort of gives the impression as "we can be friendly from a distance".


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

clb,

Good boundaries with the opposite sex are very important. Obviously in a work environment, you will need to communicate with males about work. But there are some rules that help:


Don't bring up a topic that you would not share with your husband.
 Don't get into a car alone with a male unless it is an emergency.
 Don't have lunch alone with a male
 Don't share marriage issues with a male
 Don't share medical issues with a male
 Don't share any other personal issues with a male
 Don't go to a bar or nightclub unless you husband accompanies you.
 Make sure your husband has passwords to all phones and on-line accounts.
Its okay to talk about, work, sports, the weather, things common to all families; like funny things kids do.

This list also applies to your hubby. You don't want a 3rd person peering into your marriage. And you don't want to do that to somebody else's marriage.

If you have a male friend, make sure he is your husbands friend too.

Cypress


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think you mostly follow your gut. If it feels a little inappropriate (which it sounds like this guy does to you) then it probably is - at least for you. I wouldn't be rude based on that, just a little less forthcoming. Don't ask personal questions in return, don't do things that create opportunities for the conversation to continue, don't be quite so available for a conversation. Most people with honest intentions will just reflexively ease off, if they don't then you can start being a little more direct and start assuming their intentions may not be completely innocent. 

I think the difference post an affair is that you just hear your gut talking to you much earlier about things that before an affair never would have registered on your radar.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I will not do anything or discuss anything that I would not want my wife to hear, see or discover.
It really is that simple to me.
For example, I would not be comfortable if my wife asked me,"I heard that you and Sally went to Cheer's for drinks when I was at my mother's. Did you have fun?"
But I would not be uncomfortable if my wife said, "Sally told me that she ran into you at Walmart last week. Why didn't you tell me?", because I would honestly be able to say, "I just said hello to her and we went our separate ways. I didn't think about it after that."
So therefore, Sally and I will never be in a position that someone may interpret as inappropriate.
So it involves more than "not doing anything that you wouldn't do if your spouse was there", but more of not doing anything that you don't want your spouse to KNOW about".


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

> I will not do anything or discuss anything that I would not want my wife to hear, see or discover.


That is a great rule of thumb, and one that I have thought about when I am evaluating the situation. This is the exact thing that I told my H when we were discussing his EA. At this point I feel like my H would not be upset about anything that has been discussed. He may be suspicious of this guy like how I am though. 



> If you feel uncomfortable at any point, you don't have to be rude of course. But you can be a little more pointed in your answers. "Thanks" "Okay" "Will do" That sort of thing. Sort of gives the impression as "we can be friendly from a distance".



That's good advice, and something I have a hard time with. I am such a verbal person (as you all can tell by my long posts lol). So I feel almost odd just saying one word answers. But I have started initiating that, especially with the text messages. Just simple one line responses. Then when in person, I engage in more friendly casual conversations. I know that people feel a little more unguarded through non face to face communication, so I am paying a little more attention to that.

It isn't that I am worried about this thing going somewhere. I am perfectly comfortable with how I would handle the situation if it does escalate to him being more direct. Nor am I attracted to the guy, so I am not worried about there being any kind of sexual intrigue. I am just concerned about future akwardness, since we live in the same neighborhood and see eachother every morning. I don't think that I have given him any impression of interest, but I don't know him very well and not sure if he is one who respects marriage boundaries or not. And like I have said, I am just concerned that these feelings are stemming from my insecurity over my marriage, and the fear of more issues between me and my H. 

I guess I can't really control anyone else, and just have to see how he conducts himself. The feelings of a new friend aren't really worth all of the hassel it may cause if it does become inappropriate.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I can really identify with a lot of your post...after I found out about my H's EA I was sure that every woman out there was after him..the EA took such a horrible toll on our marriage that we were separated for most of last year.
Yes, it really does open up your eyes and makes you aware of your own actions and feelings, which you probably didn't think twice about before your H's EA. . .not sure it it's a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm certainly not perfect..not even close, and looking back I can see a lot of mistakes I made, but at the same time, I really don't think I deserved what he did to me...and you don't either.
Hopefully, we can all learn from this, and move on to make our marriages even stronger than before.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

HappyAtLast said:


> I can really identify with a lot of your post...after I found out about my H's EA I was sure that every woman out there was after him..the EA took such a horrible toll on our marriage that we were separated for most of last year.
> Yes, it really does open up your eyes and makes you aware of your own actions and feelings, which you probably didn't think twice about before your H's EA. . .not sure it it's a good thing or a bad thing.
> I'm certainly not perfect..not even close, and looking back I can see a lot of mistakes I made, but at the same time, I really don't think I deserved what he did to me...and you don't either.
> Hopefully, we can all learn from this, and move on to make our marriages even stronger than before.


Thank you! It really does make you think about your own contribution to the issues. I believe that infidelity is the cowardly response to real issues in the marriage, and cannot be excused by any resoning the WS has created to curb their guilt. But I have looked back and realized how much I underappreciated my H when he was loving, and attentive. I remember times when he did such sweet things for me, and how I might have not told him or shown him how much I appreciate it, because at that time I was so wrapped up in other things of life. Now I long for that kind of attention to be back in our M. 

As for this guy... I think my intuition was right, for all of you who said follow your gut instinct. Chatted a little this morning as usual. Tells me about his past, moving to the country, family, etc. Asks me about my life growing up a little. Asks what my plans are for the holiday weekend, what I am doing today. I tell him I have a busy weekend planned...blah blah, say our goodbyes. 

Then about an hour later, he texts me with "Hi! How are you? Just wanted to tell u to have a good day "... Odd right? We just said have a good day an hour ago. I tell him I'm very busy with errands but good. thanks, u too... Then he tells me he is at Victoria Secret buying things for a friend to sell back in his home country. And if I find myself at the mall in the next few hours to let him know, he will be there! Ummmm this is pretty much where I thought this whole thing was going. My mind is screaming "Code Red! Warning!" 

I ended up just telling him that I was really busy, and would be on the other side of town away from the mall. But for him to have a nice day. The funny thing is, I was actually heading out the door to the mall when he tells me this. Change of plans! Afterwards, I thought maybe I should have just said " Ummm, no thanks, I'm married, it's inappropriate to meet up with you". But again, I don't want to feel akward at the bus stop when he inevitably tells me " Oh, you must have had the wrong idea. I meant nothing inappropriate by that... blah blah blah". So, I figure I will just continue to blow him off until he gets the idea, and let my husband know what is going on. Any thoughts? Should I be more direct, or do you think this will get the job done and lessen any akwardness? Thanks everyone!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

DANGER DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!!! 

I think you've got the right plan, just blow him off and odds are he'll get the message. If he doesn't step two is to politely tell him no thanks and if he still doesn't get it after that -well three strikes and you're out - hit him hard with go the fck away. Clue your H in so there's no chance of a misunderstanding.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Sounds like this guy was what you thought but remember you are in control. It is NOT inappropriate to tell him to back off or just blow him off. 

Everyone has given you good advice, you know if you are crossing the line. No harm in being cordial to neighbors etc. You are going to be hyper-aware for quite a while but you don't want to live your life in a bubble.


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