# Husband pinned me down against the wall two nights ago



## Arora

Two nights ago, i was telling my husband to clear up his closet for the painter to paint. he said that he doesnt want anyone painting the closet. He knew we were paying this guy to paint. I said, well, it has to be done. He started yelling at me. I got mad and said, well, you are going to sleep here tonight and in the morning you are going to fold the blankets and put pillows away so the guy can paint this room and your closet. He got up, grabbed me from the shoulders and pinned me against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. he then pushed me on the couch and started yelling in my face saying that he is my husband and he wants me to respect him. ofcourse i wasnt gonna say anything. i told him to grab his things and move out or i will call the police. the problem is that few min later, i felt bad and told him that he shouldnt leave. i started crying, he apologized. This is the first big thing that has happened. usually, he either just grabs me and throws me on the bed or throws a piece of paper in my face (whenever i disrespect him). he now feels sorry but neck and spin hurt. i am so confused, what should i do? i feel like this is going to get worse. we were young when we got married but my husband has a border line passive agressive personality. he never tells me straight up he doesnt want to do things, he procrastinates and takes his time. he is never wrong and i am always wrong. i never understand him. And he always threatens that he is fed up with my emotions and he wants to leave. what is wrong with us?


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## vspinkgrl

He is an abuser. He shouldn't be throwing you or throwing anything in your face. 
He needs anger management or it can and will happen again. Its your choice whether you choose to stay while he takes the class or not. You wouldn't be wrong to pack up and leave.


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## Dollystanford

Well it is getting worse isn't it? 'Usually' he just grabs you and throws you onto the bed but this time he slammed you into a wall. Over something pretty trivial let's face it. So what's he going to do when it's something big? Of course he apologised afterwards - that's what abusers do. 

How old are you both? How long have you been together? Do you have any kids?


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## Hope1964

He is escalating. You should get to a women's shelter before he does something worse.


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## Arora

He says i provoke him to get like that. he says that i always push his buttons. i agree, i am bad myself. i get mad easily when i ask him to do something and it never gets done to the point where i just loose it. on sunday, i told him that it was a nice weather to go grab a bite but our house needed to be cleaned as well. so i asked him to vacuum the stairs and the bathrooms and i have done the rest. he was playing video games most of the time, then he goes into vacuuming. i was done with my part and was waiting for him. when i went upstairs to tell him when he is going to be done. he said he needed to shower etc. he was moving so slow. he always does that. he takes more time to get ready than me. i am the one who takes care of everything else but now, i feel like he was kinda upset cuz i asked him to help with house chores. we both work. i drive further distance than him but he worked last weekend so he wanted to relax. I am so confused, i really dont know what to do.


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## Arora

I am 31 and he is 33. we cant have any kids, my fault. i have endometeriosis but he doesnt want kids, he says he is in different about it. we have a house, it is under my name. he didnt have a stable job for awhile so we bought a house under my name. i am the sole owner right now. he is doing much better with his job. 2 years ago, i found out that he was watching porn and drinking to relieve his stresses because of his job situation.


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## Hope1964

PLEASE, please please get to a womens shelter. Abusers abuse because they are warped individuals, NOT because they have been provoked. THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO THROW SOMEONE AGAINST A WALL LIKE THAT. I don't care WHAT you said to him, YOU DO NOT deserve that.

A womens shelter can help you see this.


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## Hope1964

Everything is NOT your fault.

It sounds like he's been emotionally abusing you too, or you wouldn't think that way.

Google womens shelters for where you live right now.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

He's the one disrespecting you. 

You know the best thing to do is leave the marriage. Kick him out ASAP.


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## Arora

I dont want to make into a monster. he is a nice guy. everyone loves him. he s kind and gentle with our 2 cats and he is generous, even he was broke, he would tip the highest percent to the waiter. BUT, he cannot control his anger. Honestly, he may not agree with me but every single time someone needs to be done in our house, it is like pulling a tooth out. He takes his time and things never get done. we always argue over smallest things and it escalates to the point where i snap and leave the room or give him "ultimatums" or threaten him, (he calls them that) and he is extra sensitive about how i should talk to him. as soon as i raise my voice, he is pissed off. he has just recently begun to say sorry couple times, once driving really fast to scare me and the next throwing piece of paper on my face.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> Two nights ago, i was telling my husband to clear up his closet for the painter to paint. he said that he doesnt want anyone painting the closet. He knew we were paying this guy to paint. I said, well, it has to be done. He started yelling at me. I got mad and said, well, you are going to sleep here tonight and in the morning you are going to fold the blankets and put pillows away so the guy can paint this room and your closet. He got up, grabbed me from the shoulders and pinned me against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. he then pushed me on the couch and started yelling in my face saying that he is my husband and he wants me to respect him. ofcourse i wasnt gonna say anything. i told him to grab his things and move out or i will call the police. the problem is that few min later, i felt bad and told him that he shouldnt leave. i started crying, he apologized. This is the first big thing that has happened. usually, he either just grabs me and throws me on the bed or throws a piece of paper in my face (whenever i disrespect him). he now feels sorry but neck and spin hurt. i am so confused, what should i do? i feel like this is going to get worse. we were young when we got married but my husband has a border line passive agressive personality. he never tells me straight up he doesnt want to do things, he procrastinates and takes his time. he is never wrong and i am always wrong. i never understand him. And he always threatens that he is fed up with my emotions and he wants to leave. what is wrong with us?


 OMG, and here am I going on about why myself and my husband dont make an effort sexually and he dont notice me so much, if my husband ever did that to me, what your husband did to you he would be kissing my arse goodbye, honestly, you should not have to put up with that, it will only get worse.


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## Arora

I dont know if i am imagining this or my neck should hurt this much by being pinned against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. I am so confused, is this it for my 8 year marriage?


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## Arora

well, my husband admitted to watching porn and wouldnt get intimate with me at some point. he says he doesnt do it anymore.


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## Dollystanford

Well it should be


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## Arora

what i dont understand is the roller coaster, how can someone be so normal and so abnormal at the same time. i consider both of us to be intelligent. and when we have fun, we have great fun. but my husband cannot handle stress or any extra work other than his job.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> He says i provoke him to get like that. he says that i always push his buttons. i agree, i am bad myself. i get mad easily when i ask him to do something and it never gets done to the point where i just loose it. on sunday, i told him that it was a nice weather to go grab a bite but our house needed to be cleaned as well. so i asked him to vacuum the stairs and the bathrooms and i have done the rest. he was playing video games most of the time, then he goes into vacuuming. i was done with my part and was waiting for him. when i went upstairs to tell him when he is going to be done. he said he needed to shower etc. he was moving so slow. he always does that. he takes more time to get ready than me. i am the one who takes care of everything else but now, i feel like he was kinda upset cuz i asked him to help with house chores. we both work. i drive further distance than him but he worked last weekend so he wanted to relax. I am so confused, i really dont know what to do.


 Ok, in the past myself and my husband had some real bad rows, where things were thrown at walls, but the one thing I will say is, he has never ever grabbed me violently or hurt me, or threatened me and never been violent, the only thing that got damaged was a cream cake that slid down the wall once when I chucked it at him and he ducked it hit the door and slid down it, in a row and he went out for a walk. And he returned and said, you have wasted your cream cake now.

ok you must be assertive here, my opinion only ok, say to him, do that to me again and we are finished. I would hate to see you end up in a bullied relationship or living in fear. be the stronger person here and let him know you mean business, or he will use you on your weakness.


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## PBear

He's physically abused you. Most of the rest of what you said is fluff, relatively speaking. And it will only get worse, until he takes the problem seriously. 

C


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Nice guys don't throw around and abuse their wives physically or emotionally. 

Nice guys put their wives on a pedestal. They treat them with respect.

You know he's not a nice guy. I'm not sure why you keep making excuses for this jerk.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> I am 31 and he is 33. we cant have any kids, my fault. i have endometeriosis but he doesnt want kids, he says he is in different about it. we have a house, it is under my name. he didnt have a stable job for awhile so we bought a house under my name. i am the sole owner right now. he is doing much better with his job. 2 years ago, i found out that he was watching porn and drinking to relieve his stresses because of his job situation.


 OK, why are you blaming yourself for medical problems, I have medical problems, and NO, it is not our faults, its what life throws at us. for ages I was angry that I had thyroid disease and hypertension, now I learned to live with it as its an ongoing thing I have to take meds for. Yet when my husband got thryoid disease to, I said to him, dont you feel angry about it, he said not really, there are worst things in life and just one of those things. So I spent my time being angry and he wasnt bothered yet we had same conditions. He dealt with it better. so being angry at your conditions will make you feel worse. Plus it would not be good to have kids in your situation. Say he got abusive to the kids if they upset him.


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## Arora

I am not trying to make excuses for him. i have done things to provoke his anger, for many years that what i thought. i would sit there and say, how did it end up being my fault. then i came across the passive aggressive thing and when i told him about it, he completely denies it. he says he loves me and would do anything for me, even give his life. he says he regretted the moment he pushed me. i dont know. why cant this be easy. my mind says, he leave him. i dont know


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## OHIObe

The problem is that guys like this, everyone ELSE thinks they are nice. The monster only comes out behind closed doors. An anger issue is an anger issue. I'm in the same exact situation, down to the ages, work habits, his joblessness. It's REALLY hard to figure it all out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Listen to your mind! Your h will not change into a better person. There is no possible way to fix his behavior.

I've been in an abusive marriage. I will not let anyone control me or treat me like dirt. I will not be treated with disrespect. I will not live with anyone that has anger issues ever again. I thought I could help him be a better person. Boy was I wrong. 19 years later his anger has worsened by a tenfold. My ex h nearly took the life of my child and I. I was making excuses for his behavior and I was denying his behavior. Never I thought he was a nice guy though. I knew he was a jerk.

The choice is yours. You need to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life walking on eggshells wondering when he's going to fly off the handle. You deserve soooo much better then him!


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## Hope1964

Have you googled womens shelters in your area yet?


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## EleGirl

Please look up the “Cycle of Abuse”. This is what going on in your life. Your husband is physically abusive and it’s escalating. Next time he might put you in the hospital or kill you.
You have done nothing that justifies him throwing things, pushing you down, and slamming you into a wall. Nothing you do makes him react as he does and be violent. It’s his choice to do these things. 
Does he act like this at work? How about with his male friends? Or does he act like this ONLY with you? He has 100% control over his anger and use of violent. It’s a tool he uses in his relationship with you to maintain control over you, the relationship… and apparently to get out of having to do his fair share around the house.

He pushed you into the wall so hard that the dry wall broke. That is serious. I can imagine that you hurt.

Get photos of the broken wall. Keep them in a safe place.

There are two things that you can do here. 

1) Call the police and file domestic violence charges against him. You have evidence in the broken wall. Have copy of the picture of the broken wall to give to them. They wil most likely arrest him or make him move out. That will give you time to take care your issues so you can get a divorce.


2) Go to your doctor, or if you cannot get an appointment today go to urgent care. Tell them what happened and ask them to check to make sure your back is ok. Show them the picture of the broken wall. Tell them that about the abuse. They are obligated by law to help you with the abuse.


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## Catherine602

What will likely happen is that the abuse will elevate in severity. He has gotten away with a very serious attack with no consequences. In fact you felt sorry for him more than concerned for yourself. Just what an abuser needs, reassurance that he has a right to be violent. 

On some level, you need to take responsibility. I know I may be adding to your confusion although the abuse is not your fault, continually exposing yourself and your children, if you have any, to this is irresponsible. It is common though because the abuser alternates between very nice and evil. But he is dangerous and he may hurt you seriously if you don't get out. You have the power to stop this whenever you want. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Arora said:


> I dont want to make into a monster. he is a nice guy. everyone loves him. he s kind and gentle with our 2 cats and he is generous, even he was broke, he would tip the highest percent to the waiter. BUT, he cannot control his anger. Honestly, he may not agree with me but every single time someone needs to be done in our house, it is like pulling a tooth out. He takes his time and things never get done. we always argue over smallest things and it escalates to the point where i snap and leave the room or give him "ultimatums" or threaten him, (he calls them that) and he is extra sensitive about how i should talk to him. as soon as i raise my voice, he is pissed off. he has just recently begun to say sorry couple times, once driving really fast to scare me and the next throwing piece of paper on my face.


He cannot control his temper? Really? 

Does he act like this with his friends? Does he act like this at work? 

I’ll bet he is only this angry and violent with you.

He has complete control over his anger and violence. Abusers do. They use those to maintain control.


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## EleGirl

Arora said:


> I dont know if i am imagining this or my neck should hurt this much by being pinned against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. I am so confused, is this it for my 8 year marriage?


Go to the emergency room or urgent care and get your neck checked out. Do it today.


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## Anon Pink

I hope you both gain the skills to communicate with each other. I hope you learn to talk to your husband like he is an adult and deal with him on that level. 

You say, "I'll be ready to go in an hour, will you have the vacuuming done and be ready be then? If not, how much more time cause I'm hungry."

You say, "I know it's a PIA to empty the closet, but it needs to be done, please help me get this done." And if he refuses you have the painter skip his closet!

While there is no excuse for a man allowing his anger to escalate like your H did, your verbal exchange came darn close to a viable excuse. You gotta a man who's feeling down due to his job and you making more money than him and you compound it by treating him like a child. 

There is hope here. If you both learn to speak to each other lovingly and not belittelingly. If you learn to give him space and learn when to back off. This is a marriage that can be saved, I think. But you have to learn to speak so he will listen and listen so he will speak.


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## KathyBatesel

Arora said:


> what is wrong with us?


What is wrong is that you're staying with someone who is an abuser and trying to control him. If you go back and read your full post, you've made it sound like it's ok to grab you and push you since that's not as severe as this incident was. 

BUT IT IS NOT OK!

As Elegirl said, you're in a cycle of abuse. Neither of you is innocent. You both contribute to it. However, it is NOT healthy, and you've deceived yourself in many ways. 

First, he CAN control himself. He chooses not to when these things happen. I guarantee you that if his boss stood there and said the same things about cleaning the closet for a painter, he wouldn't grab him and slam him into the wall. 

Second, if he's willing to do anything and even give his life for you, then tell him to do whatever it takes to make DAMNED SURE that he NEVER lays a hand on you again. This behavior is not loving behavior. He simply does not value you enough to put you in the "hurting her is off limits" category in his mind.

Third, to say, "But he's a nice guy otherwise" is a load of baloney. It's no different than saying, "He's a child molester, but he's such a nice guy." The fact that he has some good qualities doesn't make the bad ones ok.


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## *LittleDeer*

If your husband behaved like an adult, he would tell you what he didn and did not like doing from the start, and he would take care of what needs to be done at home, without you nagging him. Adults understand they have responsibilities and take care of them.

His abusive behaviour is not your faault. 

If he has problems with intimacy, and does not want to have sex, because he's watching porn instead, that's another huge issue.

You need to leave him, and get some counseling. He is not a good guy.


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## justonelife

Arora said:


> I am not trying to make excuses for him. i have done things to provoke his anger,


You ARE making excuses and nothing you do should provoke enough anger for him to throw you into a wall. GET OUT NOW.


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## Arora

Anon Pink said:


> I hope you both gain the skills to communicate with each other. I hope you learn to talk to your husband like he is an adult and deal with him on that level.
> 
> You say, "I'll be ready to go in an hour, will you have the vacuuming done and be ready be then? If not, how much more time cause I'm hungry."
> 
> You say, "I know it's a PIA to empty the closet, but it needs to be done, please help me get this done." And if he refuses you have the painter skip his closet!
> 
> While there is no excuse for a man allowing his anger to escalate like your H did, your verbal exchange came darn close to a viable excuse. You gotta a man who's feeling down due to his job and you making more money than him and you compound it by treating him like a child.
> 
> There is hope here. If you both learn to speak to each other lovingly and not belittelingly. If you learn to give him space and learn when to back off. This is a marriage that can be saved, I think. But you have to learn to speak so he will listen and listen so he will speak.


I agree and I know i can say things better but sometimes after a long day of work or struggles to get things done, all i need is a husband who can pick up things and help me. it is common sense to help ones spouse. isn't why ppl get married, to have a friend, a companion. someone who can step up and help you instead you doing everything.


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## yours4ever

Arora said:


> Two nights ago, i was telling my husband to clear up his closet for the painter to paint. he said that he doesnt want anyone painting the closet. He knew we were paying this guy to paint. I said, well, it has to be done. He started yelling at me. I got mad and said, well, you are going to sleep here tonight and in the morning you are going to fold the blankets and put pillows away so the guy can paint this room and your closet. He got up, grabbed me from the shoulders and pinned me against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. he then pushed me on the couch and started yelling in my face saying that he is my husband and he wants me to respect him. ofcourse i wasnt gonna say anything. i told him to grab his things and move out or i will call the police. the problem is that few min later, i felt bad and told him that he shouldnt leave. i started crying, he apologized. This is the first big thing that has happened. usually, he either just grabs me and throws me on the bed or throws a piece of paper in my face (whenever i disrespect him). he now feels sorry but neck and spin hurt. i am so confused, what should i do? i feel like this is going to get worse. we were young when we got married but my husband has a border line passive agressive personality. he never tells me straight up he doesnt want to do things, he procrastinates and takes his time. he is never wrong and i am always wrong. i never understand him. And he always threatens that he is fed up with my emotions and he wants to leave. what is wrong with us?



I had to register a username right away after I read your post and the replies. That's. Because I understand what your husband went through and people labeling your husband as a abuser is just to haste a decision.

Arora,
1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it? 
When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you? 

2. Arora, I speak as a woman and honestly, I think what you did was disrespectful, not only to men but to anyone as well. One, it seemed that your husband didn't know about the painter until last minute. Two, even if he knew, it's clear that he didn't agree to having his closet paint but you went ahead with the decision. Three, you ordered him around like he was a robot/furniture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

3. Communication is key to gain understanding. I would ask why he : responded roughly, why he said you should respect him and what did he mean by respect. Keep calm, be in his shoes.


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## Gaia

I'm in agreement with Anon and yours4ever. Arora you may be tired, stressed, ect but you need to respect your husband as your equal. It was not right of him to lose his temper as he did but it was not right of you to disrespect him by ordering him around. 

If he didn't want the closet touched you should have just said ok and moved on from there. Why in the world do you think you can dismiss his request like that? How many other times have you dismissed his wants and needs?


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## *LittleDeer*

yours4ever said:


> I had to register a username right away after I read your post and the replies. That's. Because I understand what your husband went through and people labeling your husband as a abuser is just to haste a decision.
> 
> Arora,
> 1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it?
> When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you?
> 
> 2. Arora, I speak as a woman and honestly, I think what you did was disrespectful, not only to men but to anyone as well. One, it seemed that your husband didn't know about the painter until last minute. Two, even if he knew, it's clear that he didn't agree to having his closet paint but you went ahead with the decision. Three, you ordered him around like he was a robot/furniture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel this is a terrible post, and excuses violent and abusive behaviour. 

Her husband is to blame for his own actions. She cannot control him.
You are making it easier for her to rationalise his abusive behaviour.

He knew the painter was coming. Instead of doing what needed to be done he got angry when she eventually had had enough of his procrastination and rudeness. He's behaving like child. 
He then physically abused her. 

I am shocked by your response.

This relationship is not healthy, and the OP does have her own issues, but her husband is abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink

Arora said:


> I agree and I know i can say things better but sometimes after a long day of work or struggles to get things done, all i need is a husband who can pick up things and help me. it is common sense to help ones spouse. isn't why ppl get married, to have a friend, a companion. someone who can step up and help you instead you doing everything.


Well, you bring up a good point that you and you H need to talk over. Who gets to decide exactly how important any particular chore is? You want a clean house okay fine. Does he? Lets for a moment pretend that men DON'T have the reputation for being able to live comfortably in a pigs sty....Why do you get to decide when and how things get done?

That is just a simple question geared to you and your H talking things out, working together to come to an agreement. If you both come to an agreement, that means he buys into the plan. That means he owns his part in the plan. This translates to you not having to follow him around like a child.

You guys need a lot of work to learn better communication but I really think you can make a big turn around. You both need to understand boundaries better. Again, violence is not excusable, but if you respect his boundaries and he respects yours, he will be better able to remove himself should the anger approach a boil again. You need to recognize when that happening and deescalate. You can learn all of that in MC.

Get into Marriage Counseling Tomorrow!

Edited to add: how is your neck? Did you go to the hospital? This could be quite serious you know. It's not unheard of to have a fractured bone in your neck from something like this.


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## Gaia

*LittleDeer* said:


> I feel this is a terrible post, and excuse ex violent and abusive behaviour.
> 
> Her husband is to blame for his own actions. She cannot control him.
> You are making it easier for her to rationalise his abusive behaviour.
> 
> He knew the painter was coming. Instead of doing what needed to be done he got angry when she eventually had had enough of his procrastination and rudeness. He's behaving like child.
> He then physically abused her.
> 
> I am shocked by your response.
> 
> This relationship is not healthy, and the OP does have her own issues, but her husband is abusive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I don't feel it excuses the husbands behavior. If it does Op I would like to stress again that no his behavior is not ok. 

They can help each other if BOTH learn to respect each other. No one likes being ordered around regardless of what issues they have. Trust me, I know what it's like to live with someone who procrastinates. It's aggrivating but still no reason to treat the man like a child. I've made that mistake myself several times.


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## yours4ever

*LittleDeer* said:


> I feel this is a terrible post, and excuse ex violent and abusive behaviour.
> 
> Her husband is to blame for his own actions. She cannot control him.
> You are making it easier for her to rationalise his abusive behaviour.
> 
> He knew the painter was coming. Instead of doing what needed to be done he got angry when she eventually had had enough of his procrastination and rudeness. He's behaving like child.
> He then physically abused her.
> 
> I am shocked by your response.
> 
> This relationship is not healthy, and the OP does have her own issues, but her husband is abusive.
> 
> 
> 
> Arora, there is a reason for his behavior. Dig for it and work from there.
> 
> I'm. Scared that you might take a huge inappropriate step which will worsen your relationship. Get the reason he behaved that way and then work for a solution.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird

Arora said:


> I dont want to make into a monster. he is a nice guy. everyone loves him. he s kind and gentle with our 2 cats and he is generous, even he was broke, he would tip the highest percent to the waiter. BUT, he cannot control his anger. Honestly, he may not agree with me but every single time someone needs to be done in our house, it is like pulling a tooth out. He takes his time and things never get done. we always argue over smallest things and it escalates to the point where i snap and leave the room or give him "ultimatums" or threaten him, (he calls them that) and he is extra sensitive about how i should talk to him. as soon as i raise my voice, he is pissed off. he has just recently begun to say sorry couple times, once driving really fast to scare me and the next throwing piece of paper on my face.


 You don't make him into a monster, he already is. Ok for ONE, He is not a nice guy, nice guys don't do this to their wives. If everyone really knew how he treated you, they wouldn't like him anymore... He has no right to put his hands on you in a violent manner, it doesn't matter how angry he is or not. Bottom line is this is unacceptable behavior 

You know, i didn't listen to anyone when i was with my Ex and he would beat the crap out of me. I wish I would have listened sooner.. You are only making excuses for him. People who loves someone doesn't treat them this way.. Actions speak louder then words. Oh and people like this have 2 faces.. They show a totally different one in public and another one behind closed doors.


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## ladybird

yours4ever said:


> I had to register a username right away after I read your post and the replies. That's. Because I understand what your husband went through and people labeling your husband as a abuser is just to haste a decision.
> 
> Arora,
> 1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it?
> When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you?
> 
> 2. Arora, I speak as a woman and honestly, I think what you did was disrespectful, not only to men but to anyone as well. One, it seemed that your husband didn't know about the painter until last minute. Two, even if he knew, it's clear that he didn't agree to having his closet paint but you went ahead with the decision. Three, you ordered him around like he was a robot/furniture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 3. Communication is key to gain understanding. I would ask why he : responded roughly, why he said you should respect him and what did he mean by respect. Keep calm, be in his shoes.


 It may have been disrespectful, but it still doesn't give her husband the right to put his hands on her. This is abuse if if the police would have been called, he would have gone to jail. Keep putting your head in the sand!

One time occurance ok maybe. BUT he has done things like this more then once according to the OP


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## EleGirl

The way you talk about the incident is to down play it. 

The title of this thread said that he pinned you against the wall. 

No he slammed you against to wall so hard that it broke the dry wall and injured your back and neck. The "pinning" you was not least agregious part of the attack.

When you talk about the attack, be real in the language you use. "My husband assaulted/battered me. He slammed me into the wall, breaking the dry wall and injuring my back and neck."

That's how you talk about it. Not down playing it.


----------



## SaltInWound

EleGirl said:


> The way you talk about the incident is to down play it.
> 
> The title of this thread said that he pinned you against the wall.
> 
> No he slammed you against to wall so hard that it broke the dry wall and injured your back and neck. The "pinning" you was not least agregious part of the attack.
> 
> When you talk about the attack, be real in the language you use. "My husband assaulted/battered me. He slammed me into the wall, breaking the dry wall and injuring my back and neck."
> 
> That's how you talk about it. Not down playing it.


Going by the title of the thread, I thought this was going to be a post about a hot night of sex. I was shocked to read about abuse. Huge difference between pinning and slamming. She should have called the police.


----------



## TeaLeaves4

yours4ever said:


> *LittleDeer* said:
> 
> 
> 
> I feel this is a terrible post, and excuse ex violent and abusive behaviour.
> 
> Her husband is to blame for his own actions. She cannot control him.
> You are making it easier for her to rationalise his abusive behaviour.
> 
> He knew the painter was coming. Instead of doing what needed to be done he got angry when she eventually had had enough of his procrastination and rudeness. He's behaving like child.
> He then physically abused her.
> 
> I am shocked by your response.
> 
> This relationship is not healthy, and the OP does have her own issues, but her husband is abusive.
> 
> 
> 
> Arora, there is a reason for his behavior. Dig for it and work from there.
> 
> I'm. Scared that you might take a huge inappropriate step which will worsen your relationship. Get the reason he behaved that way and then work for a solution.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, there is a reason for his behavior. He lacks self-control. Like a child, only now he's a big scary man-child and wants to control her with his angry outbursts and temper tantrums.
> She already said he has 'anger issues'. He drives too fast to scare her. He throws things at her, he pushes her around. This is not HER fault. If he feels like he's being disrespected, he can either find an acceptable way to deal with it or GET OUT. Not abuse her! I can't believe anyone would pin this on her!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...


----------



## Gaia

No one is pinning this on her that I can see. However her behavior does not help the situation. She knows he is violent and has a temper so it's not a wise choice to escalate the situation on her part. They are both at fault imo. Her for egging it on with some disrespectful demands and him for putting his hands on her.


----------



## TeaLeaves4

Gaia said:


> No one is pinning this on her that I can see. However her behavior does not help the situation. She knows he is violent and has a temper so it's not a wise choice to escalate the situation on her part. They are both at fault imo. Her for egging it on with some disrespectful demands and him for putting his hands on her.


Actually, Yours4ever did, and you agreed:

"1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it? 
When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you? "

That sounds like pinning on her to me! 

She may have something to learn about how to make requests respectfully, but his behavior is his fault not hers. Just like people
On this site say it doesn't matter how a WS has been treated, the decision to cheat is on them. Same thing IMO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Actually, Yours4ever did, and you agreed:
> 
> "1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it?
> When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you? "
> 
> That sounds like pinning on her to me!
> 
> She may have something to learn about how to make requests respectfully, but his behavior is his fault not hers. Just like people
> On this site say it doesn't matter how a WS has been treated, the decision to cheat is on them. Same thing IMO
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course his behavior is his fault. I agree with her post on the matter of it being the result of frusteration and anger. If he communicates something and as she already stated, she ignores it then of course it will lead up to an explosion. Now I don't agree with it leading up to a violent explosion mind you but the OP herself acknowledge that she continuesly pushed and pressed him to that point. 

Knowing this the suggestion to her is to stop pushing. That isn't pinning imo. That's helping her improve a characteristic flaw. She would have this flaw regardless of staying or leaving unless she works on it. 

Now as far as her husband goes, although he may feel angry and frusterated, perhaps even desperate... He does indeed need anger management and I do suggest she leave the house at least. Like I stated, both have issues needing to be worked out. 

Frankly if she stays that is completely her choices just as it is a betrayed spouses choices to remain with a wayward. Either way the pushing, disregarding on her part needs to stop as does the outrageous aggression on the husbands part.


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> Well, you bring up a good point that you and you H need to talk over. Who gets to decide exactly how important any particular chore is? You want a clean house okay fine. Does he? Lets for a moment pretend that men DON'T have the reputation for being able to live comfortably in a pigs sty....Why do you get to decide when and how things get done?
> 
> That is just a simple question geared to you and your H talking things out, working together to come to an agreement. If you both come to an agreement, that means he buys into the plan. That means he owns his part in the plan. This translates to you not having to follow him around like a child.
> 
> You guys need a lot of work to learn better communication but I really think you can make a big turn around. You both need to understand boundaries better. Again, violence is not excusable, but if you respect his boundaries and he respects yours, he will be better able to remove himself should the anger approach a boil again. You need to recognize when that happening and deescalate. You can learn all of that in MC.
> 
> Get into Marriage Counseling Tomorrow!
> 
> Edited to add: how is your neck? Did you go to the hospital? This could be quite serious you know. It's not unheard of to have a fractured bone in your neck from something like this.


I get what you are saying here. But I'm getting the impression that her husband will not take responsibility for his fair share of house work. So her choices are to either try to get him to do some, do it all herself for divorce him.

If the husband refuses be responsible, what is your suggest, that she just shutup and do all the chores herself to keep the peace? 

I don't think that's right either. 


So he refuses to act like a responsible adult.
She responds by begging, pleading and eventually demaning.
He responds by yelling, throwing things at her, pushing down and eventually slamming her into a wall.
So now it's her fault????
Have I got that right?


----------



## EleGirl

yours4ever said:


> I had to register a username right away after I read your post and the replies. That's. Because I understand what your husband went through and people labeling your husband as a abuser is just to haste a decision.
> 
> Arora,
> 1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration. He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it?
> 
> When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you?
> 
> 2. Arora, I speak as a woman and honestly, I think what you did was disrespectful, not only to men but to anyone as well. One, it seemed that your husband didn't know about the painter until last minute. Two, even if he knew, it's clear that he didn't agree to having his closet paint but you went ahead with the decision. Three, you ordered him around like he was a robot/furniture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 3. Communication is key to gain understanding. I would ask why he : responded roughly, why he said you should respect him and what did he mean by respect. Keep calm, be in his shoes.


You are putting all of the responsibility for this on her.

I don't think that's right either. 


Refuses to act like a responsible adult and do his share of the chores. 
She responds by begging, pleading and eventually demaning. 
He responds by yelling, throwing things at her, pushing down and eventually slamming her into a wall. 
So now it's her fault???? 
Have I got that right?

You say that he's asked for respect and she's not giving it to him so he has the right explode in anger and abuse her? Really?

I think he is the one who is refusing to act respectfully towards her. By him trying to push all of the housework off on her, he is treating her with gross disrespect ... as though she's the maid.


----------



## Anon Pink

I don't see, based on what she's written, the typical pattern of an abuser. 
1. He's not controlling her, actually it quite the opposite. She's trying to control him. 
2. He's not isolating her, actually it's the opposite, he would like to have some time and space and she's the one who's invading. 
3. He also doesn't show rigid and inflexible expectations, again, quite the opposite, she's the one with rigid expectations. 
4. He is not demeaning her, again, the opposite with her demeaning him.

I don't see him in the typical abusive spouse pattern of behavior. I actually see the wife in that pattern and the husband is rather hapless. Put her behavior on a man and you'd have a very dangerous abuser.


----------



## Anon Pink

EleGirl, I hate that we don't agree, I always think you have great info to share!


----------



## Gaia

I'm not sure what the other two are getting at but I assumed it was this.

1. She knows he's abusive.
2. She made the choice to confront back (which imo since he is more then she can handle is a no no) and ends up getting hurt.
3. She felt bad and asked him back. (another no no imo)

None of this is her fault completely. Some such as confronting someone bigger who she is unable to defend herself against.. yes. Yes because she should, imo, just leave and let him deal with the crap himself. I get the OP loves the guy but again... big no no for taking him back imo before things are resolved and before she can set firm boundaries on how he needs and has to treat her. 

That's what I assumed the other two were getting at.


----------



## Anon Pink

EleGirl said:


> I get what you are saying here. But I'm getting the impression that her husband will not take responsibility for his fair share of house work. So her choices are to either try to get him to do some, do it all herself for divorce him.
> 
> If the husband refuses be responsible, what is your suggest, that she just shutup and do all the chores herself to keep the peace?
> 
> I don't think that's right either.
> 
> 
> So he refuses to act like a responsible adult.
> She responds by begging, pleading and eventually demaning.
> He responds by yelling, throwing things at her, pushing down and eventually slamming her into a wall.
> So now it's her fault????
> Have I got that right?


Sorry I missed this.

Yes, I agree with your list. But I *think* he would be more receptive to doing his part if he owns his part. We all know that men hear things differently. She has to find his language and speak that. I don't condone his escalation at all. But I have to admit, if I were treated the way she describes, I would be enraged.


----------



## Gaia

Either way, as stated, both need to separate at least and work on bettering themselves.


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> EleGirl, I hate that we don't agree, I always think you have great info to share!


Doesn't bother me any. We all have good things to add. Sometimes disagreeing means we can talk about different angles to look at things. :smthumbup:


----------



## KathyBatesel

In my first response in this thread, I said that they both contribute:



KathyBatesel said:


> What is wrong is that you're staying with someone who is an abuser and *trying to control him.* If you go back and read your full post, you've made it sound like it's ok to grab you and push you since that's not as severe as this incident was.
> 
> BUT IT IS NOT OK!
> 
> As Elegirl said, you're in a cycle of abuse. *Neither of you is innocent. You both contribute to it.* However, it is NOT healthy, and you've deceived yourself in many ways.
> 
> First, he CAN control himself. He chooses not to when these things happen. I guarantee you that if his boss stood there and said the same things about cleaning the closet for a painter, he wouldn't grab him and slam him into the wall.
> 
> Second, if he's willing to do anything and even give his life for you, then tell him to do whatever it takes to make DAMNED SURE that he NEVER lays a hand on you again. This behavior is not loving behavior. He simply does not value you enough to put you in the "hurting her is off limits" category in his mind.
> 
> Third, to say, "But he's a nice guy otherwise" is a load of baloney. It's no different than saying, "He's a child molester, but he's such a nice guy." The fact that he has some good qualities doesn't make the bad ones ok.



*Which prompts me to reply to these (my comments inserted in bold): *



yours4ever said:


> I had to register a username right away after I read your post and the replies. That's. Because I understand what your husband went through and people labeling your husband as a abuser is just to haste a decision.
> 
> *No, it's not a hasty decision. It's a factual one. He abused her physically. *
> 
> Arora,
> 1. Your husband's response is a result of, not only anger, but of frustration.
> 
> *So what? This doesn't mean it's ok.*
> 
> He has told you he wanted respect, I'm sure that wasn't the only time he had mention respect,was it?
> 
> *She did something that's not ok, too, but don't you dare say she "caused" him to abuse her. The fact is, he CHOSE to victimize her as his response to frustration and anger instead of CHOOSING to walk away, take a walk around the block, or clean the damn closet. Any of these choices would have prevented physical abuse from taking place. *
> 
> When you tried telling someone something for many times in a nice way, but the words fell on deaf ears, woulnt you feel like shouting, and slamming things.. Have you tried talking to a wall but the wall kept pressing on you?
> 
> *Yes, it's normal to feel these things, and to have these urges, but it's also normal to control them. He didn't.
> 
> I would bet she was feeling the same things, that her words were falling on deaf ears and she may have shouted, too. But something kept her from clobbering him over the head. That "something" might be self-control, or feelings of love, or whatever you want to call it, but it's not excusable to turn to violence simply because you're not getting your way.*
> 
> 2. Arora, I speak as a woman and honestly, I think what you did was disrespectful, not only to men but to anyone as well.
> One, it seemed that your husband didn't know about the painter until last minute. Two, even if he knew, it's clear that he didn't agree to having his closet paint but you went ahead with the decision. Three, you ordered him around like he was a robot/furniture.
> 
> *I completely agree with this point. *
> 
> 3. Communication is key to gain understanding. I would ask why he : responded roughly, why he said you should respect him and what did he mean by respect. Keep calm, be in his shoes.
> 
> *Certainly she should strive to understand his needs and meet them. But it's important to point out that understanding doesn't mean she has to accept violent responses from him.*





Anon Pink said:


> I don't see, based on what she's written, the typical pattern of an abuser.
> 1. He's not controlling her, actually it quite the opposite. She's trying to control him.
> 2. He's not isolating her, actually it's the opposite, he would like to have some time and space and she's the one who's invading.
> 3. He also doesn't show rigid and inflexible expectations, again, quite the opposite, she's the one with rigid expectations.
> 4. He is not demeaning her, again, the opposite with her demeaning him.
> 
> I don't see him in the typical abusive spouse pattern of behavior. I actually see the wife in that pattern and the husband is rather hapless. Put her behavior on a man and you'd have a very dangerous abuser.
> 
> *In my experience, abuse ALWAYS involves two people who fail to respect each other's boundaries and who try to control each other. How they do this can vary, but these are the two elements that are always present. Isolating is one technique, but passive-aggressiveness is a technique, too. Demeaning doesn't necessarily involve words, but can be as low-key as a certain type of look, like rolling one's eyes at someone. Slamming her into a wall absolutely qualifies as exerting control, just as harping at him does. I certainly see a very clear pattern of abuse here.
> 
> When I was in abusive relationships, the same dynamics played out. I was critical, and might even be shouting, but avoided name-calling, so I thought I wasn't contributing to the abuse, even when I refused to let him walk away because we "had to solve the problem." I absolutely contributed to an environment where the "he" in question felt demeaned and disrespected, but since I didn't call names or curse, I felt innocent. Even though I now recognize the ways I contributed, I can still say that as bad as I was, there were always other choices than putting my teeth through my lip. *


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> I don't see, based on what she's written, the typical pattern of an abuser.


Not all abusive people follow the same pattern. Some only do some things abusive. He physically abused her. She says that he throws things in her face and he pushed her around when he’s angry. Now he slammed her into a wall so hard that it broke the wall board and hurt her neck and back. 

Thus by definition he’s physically abusive. 


Anon Pink said:


> 1. He's not controlling her, actually it quite the opposite. She's trying to control him.


Well is she trying to control him? Or is she frustrated with a husband who wants to take no responsibility for his fair share of housework? He is trying to control the situation. From her post it sounds like his goal it to control things so that when he’s not at work he can just play. And when she’s not at work she has to do all the house work. 

He was in agreement in hiring someone to paint. (At least it sounds like he was.) Now he does not want to do his share of the work needed to prepare for the painter. Thus he wants her to do all the work that is needed to prepare for the painter. She has every right to be furious at him for pushing it off on him.

I don’t think she’s trying to control him. I think she’s frustrated by a man who will not meet her half way on things that are his responsibility.


Anon Pink said:


> 2. He's not isolating her, actually it's the opposite, he would like to have some time and space and she's the one who's invading.


Again, not all abusers try to isolate the other. They use their anger, verbal abuse and violence to get the other person to do what they want them to do. He wants her to accept that he has no responsibilities after he gets off work. He wants to come home and play and do what he wants. He wants her to do all the house work, prepare for the painter, etc. So if he yells and pushes her around (and breaks walls with her body) he will get her to leave him alone and she will quietly be the house maid and do all the housework. That is indeed controlling her.


Anon Pink said:


> 3. He also doesn't show rigid and inflexible expectations, again, quite the opposite, she's the one with rigid expectations.


How do you suggest she handle his refusal to do his fair share of house work? How is she just supposed to shut up and do it all because he refuses to do it? She is obviously frustrated and has no idea of how to handle it. 


Anon Pink said:


> 4. He is not demeaning her, again, the opposite with her demeaning him.


How is she demeaning him? How is it demeaning to request that he do what is reasonable in his own home? Perhaps her pushing (verbally) is demeaning. What is your suggestion? That she shut her mouth and just do all the housework because her husband is too good to pick up after himself and do his fair share?


Anon Pink said:


> I don't see him in the typical abusive spouse pattern of behavior. I actually see the wife in that pattern and the husband is rather hapless. Put her behavior on a man and you'd have a very dangerous abuser.


I agree that she should not be yelling and picking at him to do the house work. If he’s too immature to do his fair share around the house she should just divorce him. I’m serious about that. She is not his maid.

It does not matter if she nags him to the end of the earth. He has no right to push her or to slam her into the wall; much less to push her into the wall so hard that it breaks the wall. 

It sounds like you think that there are times when a man is justified in physically abusing his wife. What circumstances do you think warrant physical abuse?


----------



## Anon Pink

As always, excellent points Kathy. 

Do you feel this marriage can be saved?


----------



## EleGirl

Gaia said:


> I'm not sure what the other two are getting at but I assumed it was this.
> 
> 1. She knows he's abusive.
> 2. She made the choice to confront back (which imo since he is more then she can handle is a no no) and ends up getting hurt.
> 3. She felt bad and asked him back. (another no no imo)
> 
> None of this is her fault completely. Some such as confronting someone bigger who she is unable to defend herself against.. yes. Yes because she should, imo, just leave and let him deal with the crap himself. I get the OP loves the guy but again... big no no for taking him back imo before things are resolved and before she can set firm boundaries on how he needs and has to treat her.
> 
> That's what I assumed the other two were getting at.


IF this is what they are getting at, they were not clear. I agree with the above.

At some point the abused becomes part of the problem because they keep stay. They stay and keep walking on egg shells thinking that there is some kind of magical behavior they can do to get the abuser to stop the abuse. IT’s magic thinking. It never workds.

She owns her choice to stay with a volatile man and continue to walk on egg shells.

But he owns his choice (and he does indeed chose the behavior) to abuse her 100%. There are many alternative ways he could handle her nagging. One of those ways is for him to grow up and do his fair share of things.


----------



## KathyBatesel

Anon Pink said:


> As always, excellent points Kathy.
> 
> Do you feel this marriage can be saved?


Thank you! 

Hmm... It can go on forever with abusive episodes, but if you're asking whether it can be turned into a respectful, devoted marriage, I'd say not unless they both learn loving detachment, which is highly unlikely. They're not emotionally compatible, so the odds are against them.


----------



## Anon Pink

EleGirl said:


> Not all abusive people follow the same pattern. Some only do some things abusive. He physically abused her. She says that he throws things in her face and he pushed her around when he’s angry. Now he slammed her into a wall so hard that it broke the wall board and hurt her neck and back.
> 
> Thus by definition he’s physically abusive.
> 
> Well is she trying to control him? Or is she frustrated with a husband who wants to take no responsibility for his fair share of housework? He is trying to control the situation. From her post it sounds like his goal it to control things so that when he’s not at work he can just play. And when she’s not at work she has to do all the house work.
> 
> He was in agreement in hiring someone to paint. (At least it sounds like he was.) Now he does not want to do his share of the work needed to prepare for the painter. Thus he wants her to do all the work that is needed to prepare for the painter. She has every right to be furious at him for pushing it off on him.
> 
> I don’t think she’s trying to control him. I think she’s frustrated by a man who will not meet her half way on things that are his responsibility.
> 
> Again, not all abusers try to isolate the other. They use their anger, verbal abuse and violence to get the other person to do what they want them to do. He wants her to accept that he has no responsibilities after he gets off work. He wants to come home and play and do what he wants. He wants her to do all the house work, prepare for the painter, etc. So if he yells and pushes her around (and breaks walls with her body) he will get her to leave him alone and she will quietly be the house maid and do all the housework. That is indeed controlling her.
> 
> How do you suggest she handle his refusal to do his fair share of house work? How is she just supposed to shut up and do it all because he refuses to do it? She is obviously frustrated and has no idea of how to handle it.
> 
> How is she demeaning him? How is it demeaning to request that he do what is reasonable in his own home? Perhaps her pushing (verbally) is demeaning. What is your suggestion? That she shut her mouth and just do all the housework because her husband is too good to pick up after himself and do his fair share?
> 
> I agree that she should not be yelling and picking at him to do the house work. If he’s too immature to do his fair share around the house she should just divorce him. I’m serious about that. She is not his maid.
> 
> It does not matter if she nags him to the end of the earth. He has no right to push her or to slam her into the wall; much less to push her into the wall so hard that it breaks the wall.
> 
> It sounds like you think that there are times when a man is justified in physically abusing his wife. What circumstances do you think warrant physical abuse?


There are zero times when I feel it's okay to take anger to a violent level.

The guy is immature and passive aggressive. She when she starts in, nagging at him, he tunes out. The more she nags, the more he tunes out. So she escalates from nagging, to demanding. Like I said in my first, second and subsequent posts, they have to come to an agreement about expectations and boundaries. She doesn't get to decide when the house will be cleaned up and then hand out chore lists, nag and brow beat until it gets done. Thats not a functioning marriage, nor is it very good functioning parenting.

Is there some reason that they can't sit down and discuss household chores, expectations of cleanliness, work together to come to an agreement and even take it two steps father. Work together to come to a system of feedback and reward? I don't see why this can't happen, once they've been taught the skills to make it happen.

Is she capable of compromising in her expectations? Does the vacuuming HAVE to be done before they go out or could it be done when they get back. Could it be done the night before or the day after? If she wants her husband to step up she's got to give him some power in decision making. Right now the only power he has is to evade, avoid, or lash out in anger. Now he also lacks the skills to simply say, I'll get it done when I get back, now let it rest!


----------



## KathyBatesel

Anon Pink said:


> Is there some reason that they can't sit down and discuss household chores, expectations of cleanliness, work together to come to an agreement and even take it two steps father. Work together to come to a system of feedback and reward? I don't see why this can't happen, once they've been taught the skills to make it happen.


My guess would be that they cannot do these things, for a bunch of reasons: 

-Neither of them has nearly enough self-awareness to truly recognize how they contribute to the problems.
-They both have a strong need to influence what happens, but neither of them is willing to be influenced by the other. This alone would be enough to prevent progress.
- Their belief systems support the idea that "some" abuse is ok.


----------



## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> There are zero times when I feel it's okay to take anger to a violent level.


I agree that there are zero times that violence is acceptable. What he did not her in slamming her into the wall is so violent that I think her safety is at risk which is why my suggest was for her to leave him now. Her nagging him might be driving him up a wall. But nothing she did or said warrants what he did to her.

That’s why I did not address anything else originally. 



Anon Pink said:


> The guy is immature and passive aggressive. She when she starts in, nagging at him, he tunes out. The more she nags, the more he tunes out. So she escalates from nagging, to demanding. Like I said in my first, second and subsequent posts, they have to come to an agreement about expectations and boundaries. She doesn't get to decide when the house will be cleaned up and then hand out chore lists, nag and brow beat until it gets done. Thats not a functioning marriage, nor is it very good functioning parenting.


You are right that she does not get to unilaterally decide when the house gets cleaned. You are also right that they need to work it out so that they share the work and over a week or so each does what they need to do. 

But my impression is that he has no intention of doing any house work. Her frustration over that is warranted. Since he refuses to help willingly her only choices are to do all the work herself (which means she accepts emotional abuse by him.) or she leaves him. Those are the only two choices she has.

This reminds me of the ex I divorced last year. For 12 years he refused to do ANY housework. He did yard work about once a year. I mostly simply asked him, tried to work on plans with him, etc. He’d be ever so agreeable when we talked. But when it came to doing he did nothing. And I mean nothing. There were a few times that I lost it and yelled at him; maybe once every year or two. But I’m not one to nag an adult. They either do what they are supposed or they don’t. In the end it’s one of the reasons I divorced him. 

There really are people who simply refuse to do what they should be doing. To be stuck in a marriage with an adult child is frustrating beyond belief. So he does nothing if she does not nag him. He does a little bit if she does nag him. Like you say, it’s a nonfunctional marriage.





Anon Pink said:


> Is there some reason that they can't sit down and discuss household chores, expectations of cleanliness, work together to come to an agreement and even take it two steps father. Work together to come to a system of feedback and reward? I don't see why this can't happen, once they've been taught the skills to make it happen.


She can clarify on whether or not she’s tried this. I’ll bet she has or at least has tried to. And I’ll bet he never lives up to what he promises. 



Anon Pink said:


> Is she capable of compromising in her expectations? Does the vacuuming HAVE to be done before they go out or could it be done when they get back. Could it be done the night before or the day after? If she wants her husband to step up she's got to give him some power in decision making. Right now the only power he has is to evade, avoid, or lash out in anger. Now he also lacks the skills to simply say, I'll get it done when I get back, now let it rest!


 Well, hopefully she will respond to this. There are things that she said that led me to believe that he will not do keep up his ends of things unless she rides him. So instead of taking her other two choices (do it all herself or divorce him) she’s doing the nagging because at least he does some things. There are adults who will refuse to lift a finger at home, leaving everything to their spouse. I was married to one for 12 years.


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## Anon Pink

Oh damn EleGirl! So this post hit all your triggers!


::::this is me backing away very slowly with my hand up palms facing forward::::::


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## yours4ever

hey, I didn't say the husband has no fault and I didn't say she is to be blamed 100%. 

Arora might want to try changing her ways of approaching her spouse.
...and then see if there is any changes from her husband. If even after she talked politely and respectful, and allows her husband freedom to choose, if even after this, the husband still behaves violently, then yes, the husband is an abuser.

I agree that both of them need to detach themselves from situation and cool off first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arora

Anon Pink said:


> I don't see, based on what she's written, the typical pattern of an abuser.
> 1. He's not controlling her, actually it quite the opposite. She's trying to control him.
> 2. He's not isolating her, actually it's the opposite, he would like to have some time and space and she's the one who's invading.
> 3. He also doesn't show rigid and inflexible expectations, again, quite the opposite, she's the one with rigid expectations.
> 4. He is not demeaning her, again, the opposite with her demeaning him.
> 
> I don't see him in the typical abusive spouse pattern of behavior. I actually see the wife in that pattern and the husband is rather hapless. Put her behavior on a man and you'd have a very dangerous abuser.


Yes, i agree, i do tend to control things such when should I clean. usually, only on weekends when i have no work. I have a 3 bedroom house and I'm a small person and i get tired, i have some health issues so i ask him, sometimes, not all the time to help me clean. I do make sure bills are paid cuz if I don't, they will never get paid. I have taken everything upon my shoulders. If i don't tell him or give him a list, he will only eat and make sure he looks good for work and his hair is perfect. he will live like a pig. so, yes, i am controlling.


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## 3Xnocharm

WOW! I cannot believe the direction this thread has taken! BLAMING THE VICTIM, and now the VICTIM IS BLAMING HERSELF!! This is un-freaking-believable! Wake up Arora!!!


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## Arora

3Xnocharm said:


> WOW! I cannot believe the direction this thread has taken! BLAMING THE VICTIM, and now the VICTIM IS BLAMING HERSELF!! This is un-freaking-believable! Wake up Arora!!!


There is no help for me anywhere. today, i asked me that we need to talk. he admitted that he shouldn't have pinned me against the wall. he has offered to rub my back or maybe i should go see a doctor. BUT he refuses to admit that he was violent or passive aggressive. he was raising his voice and when i said, now look who is calm, he just does not admit he has a problem. he said that i made him to react the way he did. so, there is no solution for me here. i appreciate the comments about me correcting myself and watching what i say. But it is extremely difficult to correct myself and change my attitude when the next person is not willing to change for better.


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## 3Xnocharm

Arora said:


> There is no help for me anywhere. today, i asked me that we need to talk. he admitted that he shouldn't have pinned me against the wall. he has offered to rub my back or maybe i should go see a doctor. BUT he refuses to admit that he was violent or passive aggressive. he was raising his voice and when i said, now look who is calm, he just does not admit he has a problem. he said that i made him to react the way he did. so, there is no solution for me here. i appreciate the comments about me correcting myself and watching what i say. But it is extremely difficult to correct myself and change my attitude when the next person is not willing to change for better.


How typical of an abuser! Apologize then blame his victim!

There IS a solution for you Arora...GET THE FVCK OUT!!


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## chillymorn

the next time he lays a hand on you call the cops.

time to decide if after he is removed by the cops and would take anger management class do you want him back?

I don't think you should leave the house is in your name he should be the one to leave.

I also think you do make matters worse by pushing his buttons and when it come to that point you need to step back and say is it worth it ....I mean really was it so important that the closet be painted. if you have hit the wall with his passive agressive personality then it time to move on. Most likley he won't change very much in that respect.

If you decide that your done...which is perfactly fine then go to the police now and explain what happened and then go to the dr and tell them what happened so it all docummented. they most likley will arrest him pronto for domistic viloence.


No excusses for physical viloence in a marriage.

but you might consider how you respond to him as emotional abuse.


just like theres no excuse for physical abuse theres no excuse for emotional abuse. 

basicaly I don't think you two are a very good match maybe its time to smell the coffe and just divorce and move on with your lives.

this cycle is a recipe for disaster.

good luck .


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## tacoma

Arora said:


> Two nights ago, i was telling my husband to clear up his closet for the painter to paint. he said that he doesnt want anyone painting the closet. He knew we were paying this guy to paint. I said, well, it has to be done. He started yelling at me. I got mad and said, well, you are going to sleep here tonight and in the morning you are going to fold the blankets and put pillows away so the guy can paint this room and your closet. He got up, grabbed me from the shoulders and pinned me against the wall to the point that the dry wall broke. he then pushed me on the couch and started yelling in my face saying that he is my husband and he wants me to respect him. ofcourse i wasnt gonna say anything.


You actually speak to your husband like this?

He has anger management problems and is being abusive.

However, if my wife were to speak to me in that manner she'd be up early cleaning out the closet or it wouldn't get painted but I sure as hell wouldn't be taking that tone from her.

Not for a second.


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## MaritimeGuy

I would like to suggest the book, "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. In it you'll learn you are in no way responsible for his emotions. 

Your husband chooses to respond the way he does in response to what you say or do to him. He could choose to laugh, ignore you, tease you, cry or any number of things when you interact with him. Instead he's getting angry and manhandling you. 

In our modern Western culture that is completely unacceptable. I don't care if you spit in his face. He shouldn't respond physically with you.

I sense you're comitted to sticking with him no matter what. I strongly recommend the book above for both yourself and him. It will teach you to pose your comments in a way that is less likely to make him defensive and teach him to be accountable for his own feelings.

Good Luck!


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## Gaia

EleGirl said:


> IF this is what they are getting at, they were not clear. I agree with the above.
> 
> At some point the abused becomes part of the problem because they keep stay. They stay and keep walking on egg shells thinking that there is some kind of magical behavior they can do to get the abuser to stop the abuse. IT’s magic thinking. It never workds.
> 
> She owns her choice to stay with a volatile man and continue to walk on egg shells.
> 
> But he owns his choice (and he does indeed chose the behavior) to abuse her 100%. There are many alternative ways he could handle her nagging. One of those ways is for him to grow up and do his fair share of things.


I agree there is. It seems to me that both are frusterated with eachother. They both need to work on their communication skills with eachother, if she decides to stay that is, and set boundaries with eachother. 

The OP has actually done a wonderful job in admitting where she went wrong and as stated I don't believe she is the only victim here. No physical abuse is never ok but there are too many ignoring the abuse she dished out to him as well. 


He had no right to put his hands on her.


She had no right not disregard, order him around, and disrespect him in such a manner.


There is more then just physical abuse. 


OP I do believe that perhaps you should get a psych eval. It really sounds like you are perhaps OCD. There is nothing wrong with that of course but knowing this you could perhaps learn to communicate in a more peaceful manner. Your husband, if you decide to stay, should take a psych eval for sure. Hell he should take one regardless. 

Despite what you said he should have NEVER gotten physical with you. Sure there is getting angry, yelling, maybe smashing things or going out to punch walls as some men do. Then there is the crap your husband pulled. 

Look at it this way. The house is like a job. No one goes to their job to do their work, their co workers work, managers work, ect. The same should go for the house. Meaning he lives there too so he needs to pitch in and help. One person can not do everything alone despite what some people may say. It gets stressful. Perhaps you should let him know this with a mediator around?


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## Gaia

The same goes for the finances. He needs to pitch in and help.


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## Dad&Hubby

3Xnocharm said:


> How typical of an abuser! Apologize then blame his victim!
> 
> There IS a solution for you Arora...GET THE FVCK OUT!!


I have to agree here.

Arora, you can blame yourself for a lot of issues with how you respond, based on your posts, I would ALMOST classify you as mentally abusive (I'm taking into account that your perception of what happens is skewed in your favor, don't take offense to it). I'd suggest that you look into counseling and read some books for yourself....so you don't repeat this behavior in YOUR NEXT relationship.

BUT his actions are much worse. Additionally, and this is much worse, he's not owning his actions. If he owned them (taking responsibility without any excuse or justification) then he could work on them and fix himself, but he won't so he can't. It will get worse too. Abuse never plateaus. 

Let me put it in perspective. I'm a pretty strong beefy guy, I'm Scottish and have the classic "scottish temper" (long fuse but attached to a BIG BOMB). When my temper explodes, I HAVE to have a physical outlet. I have to punch, lift, throw. I can not calm myself down JUST in my mind. BUT I've NEVER lifted a finger at a woman before. When I found out about my ex cheating on me, I did punch through walls and cracked studs. I've lost my temper twice with my current wife and I just went down and did a pretty intense heavy bag work out and did about 20 weight throws. Works like a charm, but I walk out of the room and don't go near ANYONE until I'm calm. 

What I'm saying is even with the worst temper. Noone EVER should physically lay a finger on their spouse.


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## spiralled

I've ended up on this thread after a google search. I'm generally not one to complain about stuff that life throws your way but the anonymity (and desperate need to relent about my actions) has made me post here. 

My marriage has gone so horribly wrong at this point I just don't know how to end it. My wife has drained the color out of my sight and driven me to point of mental instability that I raised my hand on her....and I can't stop hating myself for it so much. I can't stand to be myself right now.

I know I'm wrong and there's no excuse for this and everyone here is going to chime in and tell me how horrible a person I am. I already know that. But 10 years of verbal irrational abuse and despite me begging her to stop arguing and screaming because my anger was growing in leaps and bounds yields little in the way of mercy and something just snapped in me yesterday. 

I grew up in a violent environment and saw my mother struggle when I was young. I promised myself never to be my father and through any of the irrationality that came my way, I managed to hold on to that promise.

Until the last 3 years of this marriage. I just don't recognize myself anymore. I have never felt more lost in my life.


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## Dad&Hubby

I'm glad you're hear Sprialled. 

The first thing you need to do is accept what you did without any buts. (as valid as they may feel)

What Arora does to you is one issue. What you did is another.

Yes it seems like you're taking responsibility, but stop before you say but.

THe first thing you two need to figure out is if you want to be married to each other. That's not an easy question. Take your time to answer it.

If yes, then there are solutions but will require work from both of you.


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## spiralled

Sorry if my post seemed misleading, I have no relation with Arora.


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## Dad&Hubby

spiralled said:


> Sorry if my post seemed misleading, I have no relation with Arora.


LOL sorry. Often the other person in a marriage finds their spouses post and joins in. I made an assumption (my bad )


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## Arora

spiralled said:


> I've ended up on this thread after a google search. I'm generally not one to complain about stuff that life throws your way but the anonymity (and desperate need to relent about my actions) has made me post here.
> 
> My marriage has gone so horribly wrong at this point I just don't know how to end it. My wife has drained the color out of my sight and driven me to point of mental instability that I raised my hand on her....and I can't stop hating myself for it so much. I can't stand to be myself right now.
> 
> I know I'm wrong and there's no excuse for this and everyone here is going to chime in and tell me how horrible a person I am. I already know that. But 10 years of verbal irrational abuse and despite me begging her to stop arguing and screaming because my anger was growing in leaps and bounds yields little in the way of mercy and something just snapped in me yesterday.
> 
> I grew up in a violent environment and saw my mother struggle when I was young. I promised myself never to be my father and through any of the irrationality that came my way, I managed to hold on to that promise.
> 
> Until the last 3 years of this marriage. I just don't recognize myself anymore. I have never felt more lost in my life.


I am sorry for your troubles. my husband has gone through the same thing. hopefully, things will get better. we can pray for both of our life partners to help us and for our marriages to work.


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## spiralled

/rant

It's never going to change with her.

Her irrationality is so deep-rooted into her psyche, I find it amazing that anyone can function with such disparaging thoughts rummaging through their minds at all times. Through all of the troubles, we have managed to become parents (first one) in our 10 years of this marriage. I have been told to travel overseas for work but abusing the privilege of "emotional blackmail" to its finest, she refuses to accept that I need to work to keep my job to pay the bills. Instead, relentlessly accusing me of traveling for pleasure and "getting away from her and our unborn child". 

I mean who thinks like that? 

Making matters worse, if I show concern for her that her mother needs to come stay with her while I'm traveling, I'm accused of thinking that her mother needs to be a house maid. Does anyone really need to hear that when all you have is honest concern for your other half? I can't open my mouth or make a simple statement for fear she's going to think the worst of it. And as the natural course of events would have it when things of this nature happen, we barely talk anymore.

And when we do talk, its her incoherent rambling that has left me locking myself in our guest room so I can keep a distance from her and don't get aggravated again to do something I regret.

The one thing I don't think I will ever forgive her for is making me hate myself.

/*rant

(Arora - sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread.)


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## John2012

Arora,

Are you by any chance from south-asia, I mean Indian?


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## KathyBatesel

yours4ever said:


> hey, I didn't say the husband has no fault and I didn't say she is to be blamed 100%.
> 
> Arora might want to try changing her ways of approaching her spouse.
> ...and then see if there is any changes from her husband. If even after she talked politely and respectful, and allows her husband freedom to choose, if even after this, the husband still behaves violently, then yes, the husband is an abuser.
> 
> I agree that both of them need to detach themselves from situation and cool off first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's pretend for a moment that his response to that same frustration was to pick up a knife and stab her instead of pinning her to a wall. Would you still say he wasn't abusive because she wasn't talking politely? 

If she's being controlling, it might be psychologically abusive to him. But him feeling abused still doesn't give him the right to deny the "abuse" label when he responds abusively.


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## KathyBatesel

Arora said:


> There is no help for me anywhere. today, i asked me that we need to talk. he admitted that he shouldn't have pinned me against the wall. he has offered to rub my back or maybe i should go see a doctor. BUT he refuses to admit that he was violent or passive aggressive. he was raising his voice and when i said, now look who is calm, he just does not admit he has a problem. he said that i made him to react the way he did. so, there is no solution for me here. i appreciate the comments about me correcting myself and watching what i say. But it is extremely difficult to correct myself and change my attitude when the next person is not willing to change for better.


Take his advice and see a doctor. 

PLEASE try to understand that YOU choose what you do, and so does he. You simply do not have the power to "make" him grab you and hurt you. If you had that power, he'd never lay hands on you in a hurtful way. If you had that power, he'd have cleaned the closet. 

STOP excusing his behavior!!! Please read Signs & Symptoms of Emotional Abuse and see where both of you are hurting each other.

You said there is no help here. May I encourage you to call a domestic abuse hotline and find out what they tell you? I'm pretty sure they are going to tell you the same thing that I'm telling you.

This could have caused you to have permanent nerve damage to your neck and spine, all over a silly closet. 

What will happen when it's a fight over something that is really important? You are in danger, Arora. Please do whatever it takes to make sure your home is a safe place.


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## Arora

spiralled said:


> /rant
> 
> It's never going to change with her.
> 
> Her irrationality is so deep-rooted into her psyche, I find it amazing that anyone can function with such disparaging thoughts rummaging through their minds at all times. Through all of the troubles, we have managed to become parents (first one) in our 10 years of this marriage. I have been told to travel overseas for work but abusing the privilege of "emotional blackmail" to its finest, she refuses to accept that I need to work to keep my job to pay the bills. Instead, relentlessly accusing me of traveling for pleasure and "getting away from her and our unborn child".
> 
> I mean who thinks like that?
> 
> Making matters worse, if I show concern for her that her mother needs to come stay with her while I'm traveling, I'm accused of thinking that her mother needs to be a house maid. Does anyone really need to hear that when all you have is honest concern for your other half? I can't open my mouth or make a simple statement for fear she's going to think the worst of it. And as the natural course of events would have it when things of this nature happen, we barely talk anymore.
> 
> And when we do talk, its her incoherent rambling that has left me locking myself in our guest room so I can keep a distance from her and don't get aggravated again to do something I regret.
> 
> The one thing I don't think I will ever forgive her for is making me hate myself.
> 
> /*rant
> 
> (Arora - sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread.)


it is OK, you may need more help than me. you have a kid. from a woman's point of view, we never doubt our spouse unless we think they have potential to cheat on us. we dont want to be in a bad relationship. all we want is someone to love and care for us. i dont know. i am confused myself so i cant really help.


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## KathyBatesel

Spiralled, may I encourage you to post more on a separate thread? 

It sounds as if you're a good guy who wants to do the right thing, and you are desperately seeking solutions that can help you avoid getting into a violent situation when you do feel so back against a wall. 

But it sounds like your situation may be more along the lines of a wife that has a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline personality. If you can make a separate thread with more details, I think you'll find some great help here.


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## EleGirl

Arora said:


> Yes, i agree, i do tend to control things such when should I clean. usually, only on weekends when i have no work. I have a 3 bedroom house and I'm a small person and i get tired, i have some health issues so i ask him, sometimes, not all the time to help me clean. I do make sure bills are paid cuz if I don't, they will never get paid. I have taken everything upon my shoulders. If i don't tell him or give him a list, he will only eat and make sure he looks good for work and his hair is perfect. he will live like a pig. so, yes, i am controlling.


Does he cook? 
Shop for groceries? 
Do other errands that are for both of you?
Do yard work?


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## EleGirl

Anon Pink said:


> Oh damn EleGirl! So this post hit all your triggers!
> 
> 
> ::::this is me backing away very slowly with my hand up palms facing forward::::::


Come on!!! I'm not so fragile that I cannot be challenged and talk about things that relate to my triggers.

Maybe I need to change my outlook too. I'm not perfect ya know.... 

Who am I going to talk to about this stuff if you just back away from me... give a woman a chance.


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## Hope1964

You know, if you get to a women's shelter, you get counseling for yourself and you can address your own issues there.


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> You actually speak to your husband like this?
> 
> He has anger management problems and is being abusive.
> 
> However, if my wife were to speak to me in that manner she'd be up early cleaning out the closet or it wouldn't get painted but I sure as hell wouldn't be taking that tone from her.
> 
> Not for a second.


You gave her no solution for how she can deal with the 2nd biggest problem she has.

Her biggest problem is that he is a violent, abusive man.

Her second problem is that he will not help her with anything willingly. He would not do any housework, pay bills, etc. They both work full time. He expects her to do all the housework and everything else to keep the household going. 

So she got frustrated and talked to him in a less than respectfull manner. We all agree that yelling and orderting him to do things is not good. But she's is obviously at her wits end.

Can you give her any useful advise on how to handle a husband who is also selfish husband who refuses to take responsibility for his portion of household work.


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## EleGirl

spiralled said:


> /rant
> 
> It's never going to change with her.
> 
> Her irrationality is so deep-rooted into her psyche, I find it amazing that anyone can function with such disparaging thoughts rummaging through their minds at all times. Through all of the troubles, we have managed to become parents (first one) in our 10 years of this marriage. I have been told to travel overseas for work but abusing the privilege of "emotional blackmail" to its finest, she refuses to accept that I need to work to keep my job to pay the bills. Instead, relentlessly accusing me of traveling for pleasure and "getting away from her and our unborn child".
> 
> I mean who thinks like that?
> 
> Making matters worse, if I show concern for her that her mother needs to come stay with her while I'm traveling, I'm accused of thinking that her mother needs to be a house maid. Does anyone really need to hear that when all you have is honest concern for your other half? I can't open my mouth or make a simple statement for fear she's going to think the worst of it. And as the natural course of events would have it when things of this nature happen, we barely talk anymore.
> 
> And when we do talk, its her incoherent rambling that has left me locking myself in our guest room so I can keep a distance from her and don't get aggravated again to do something I regret.
> 
> The one thing I don't think I will ever forgive her for is making me hate myself.
> 
> /*rant
> 
> (Arora - sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread.)


Please start your own thread so that we can all give you support for your issues? I'd like to respond further to you but don't feel I should do that in Arora's thread.


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## EleGirl

Arora,

Did your husband know that the painters were coming before you told him to clean out the closet? Was he involved in the decision to have them paint?

Did he know before hand that they were supposed to paint the closet? Was he in agreement before had?


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> well, my husband admitted to watching porn and wouldnt get intimate with me at some point. he says he doesnt do it anymore.


 my husband has watched porn but it does not bother me as he is not doing it, just watching really. I think if you tell them not to do it, they will only do it behind your back anyway, so better to know they are doing it rather then they hiding it.

To add to this, at least my husband is not violent and does not hurt me or pin me to the wall when he cant get his own way. The last time we had a row he went and sat around his Mums for two hours. that was all he did, and when he came home we just didnt speak for a few hours.


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## tacoma

EleGirl said:


> You gave her no solution for how she can deal with the 2nd biggest problem she has.


I think the solution is obvious and has been posted numerous times within this thread.
I hate being redundant.




> Her biggest problem is that he is a violent, abusive man.


Indeed, she knows this and still stays and interacts with him in a manner that is certain to bring the abuse out of him.
Makes me wonder why.




> Can you give her any useful advise on how to handle a husband who is also selfish husband who refuses to take responsibility for his portion of household work.


No problem.

OP, you should leave him.
(But you already knew that)


----------



## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> I dont want to make into a monster. he is a nice guy. everyone loves him. he s kind and gentle with our 2 cats and he is generous, even he was broke, he would tip the highest percent to the waiter. BUT, he cannot control his anger. Honestly, he may not agree with me but every single time someone needs to be done in our house, it is like pulling a tooth out. He takes his time and things never get done. we always argue over smallest things and it escalates to the point where i snap and leave the room or give him "ultimatums" or threaten him, (he calls them that) and he is extra sensitive about how i should talk to him. as soon as i raise my voice, he is pissed off. he has just recently begun to say sorry couple times, once driving really fast to scare me and the next throwing piece of paper on my face.


 sounds like narcissistic personality. I have some experience within this field as found out my Dad has this disorder. what you describe sounds similar. My Dad was a very generous person to other people, they would think he was rich when he had no pot to piss in and up to debts his eye balls, he had the lying sickness to, I found this out about 2 yr ago, he is in care home now but a few years back he lied to me about stuff and when confronted didnt like it, bad tempered, wanted his own way, and sulked and was almost child like, never admitted his wrongs and continued as if they didnt happen or it was my fault he was in debt. Plus if he could not get his own way he would sulk or be a bit sarcy. Eg, well if they aint time to come to dinner with me then I wont be contacting them no more. Rather then saying ok they are busy they cant make it this time. See the difference, it took it personally. It didnt matter they were busy, all that mattered was my Dad and he offered and got rejected. he would say I will do this and that but never did any of it. But people would say he was a great man, yes he was popular and would do anything for anyone, even give out money, but next day he had no money to pay the bills, but that didnt matter if we got evicted as long as every body loved him and he was popular right. Does this sound like the same to you.

To add, there is no cure for this illness so get out before its to late, or you will end up with nothing.


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## Arora

EleGirl said:


> Arora,
> 
> Did your husband know that the painters were coming before you told him to clean out the closet? Was he involved in the decision to have them paint?
> 
> Did he know before hand that they were supposed to paint the closet? Was he in agreement before had?


Yes, my husband is always involved in the decisions. i tell him weeks ahead of time. then i remind him. But he forgets, every single time. he has painted part of our cabinets but the rest hadnt been done and it has been over 3 years.. so i told him that i have called several contractors to give me quotes. sunday, the man came and said that he will be on monday and tuesday, those 2 days he can work. his study closet was also not done because last time, he was too lazy to clear up his closet and told the last painter not to paint his closet. On monday when i mentioned it, he said, i dont want my closet painted. he knows we have bought this house to fix and sell. he raised his voice and got made, i left the room, came back and was just so furious that i said, "you are going to sleep here tonight, tomorrow you are going to fold your stuff and clear the closet", this drove him to the edge. he always leaves his stuff around, i always pick after him. when i say please pick your things, he says, you do many things that bother me but i let it go, when i ask what things, he has no ans for them.


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## KathyBatesel

Stop talking!! Pick up his stuff, put it in big trash bags, and put them in the garage or something where he can go through it when he's ready to. Your closet's cleared, and you don't have to argue!!


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## Arora

There are several problems i have in my marriage. My husband is very laid back and he will not do anything unless being told. he does thing half assy, i always have to call someone to fix things, like the paintings of rooms/house. he cannot handle stress. the days when he has too much work or has worked alot, he is very snappy and i see the pattern. just last week, we were at the post office, he asked the guy a question, the man was a little mean to him. he walked aways, didnt say anything but was rude to me the whole day. i just really dont understand it. i am his punching bag but if was here, he would tell you that wasnt true and that he is my punching bag. whenever i talk to him about infertility, he says, he doesnt want to listen and i rather go talk to a friend. Or go out with a friend. I actually have done that. i dont talk to him about my emotional things anymore. 
He always forgets things, i have given him instructions, very nicely, written it, he goes and comes back and has done it completely opposite. this to me shows, he doesnt care or listen to me at all. i used to get angry, but now, i dont care, i am like, OK whatever, i will do it myself. 
Like I said, last sunday, after he was taking his sweet time, i just left, told him i was leaving and he should have his time off, and went with friends. i honestly think that the reason monday's incident happened was because of me leaving him on sunday. he told me he didnt care if i left. so he gives me mixed messages. he says he doesnt care but he punishes me another way. 

for the longest time, i would always pick a place to go out and eat, he never made up his mind, i asked but he didnt make up his mind. then all of a sudden, one day, he is like, you never let me pick a place. i was like, wow, OK and now, i insist that we go where he wants. 

But guess what, in all this, i am at fault, i am to blame. i am so confused, i really dont understand. sometimes, i am like, how did this happened. how did such a small thing blow up into such a big fight.


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## KathyBatesel

He doesn't want to be controlled by you, but he doesn't want to control himself. 

There aren't too many solutions here. You have to pick your solution, and do it without his help, and then when he gets mad, you need to calmly say, "Next time, if you'd like something to happen differently, you'll have to do it yourself." Don't get upset that he got mad! Just don't argue about any of it. You know what needs to be done, so find a way for it to get done without relying on your UNreliable husband. If he gets angry, it is HIS problem. He had a chance to create a different and didn't do it. That's not YOUR fault.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> Yes, my husband is always involved in the decisions. i tell him weeks ahead of time. then i remind him. But he forgets, every single time. he has painted part of our cabinets but the rest hadnt been done and it has been over 3 years.. so i told him that i have called several contractors to give me quotes. sunday, the man came and said that he will be on monday and tuesday, those 2 days he can work. his study closet was also not done because last time, he was too lazy to clear up his closet and told the last painter not to paint his closet. On monday when i mentioned it, he said, i dont want my closet painted. he knows we have bought this house to fix and sell. he raised his voice and got made, i left the room, came back and was just so furious that i said, "you are going to sleep here tonight, tomorrow you are going to fold your stuff and clear the closet", this drove him to the edge. he always leaves his stuff around, i always pick after him. when i say please pick your things, he says, you do many things that bother me but i let it go, when i ask what things, he has no ans for them.


 Painting is easy, we do our own painting here, husband says I am actually better at it then he is, so I painted the doors, etc. Although he wishes I used a different colour now.LOL. Also one day I decided to try and paint the ceiling and got the sponge stuck to it, my husband came in and said, oh sponge on ceiling, I said yeah its stuck up there, and he walked off, I said, can you get it down then I cant reach. I think he thought it was a new design.LOL

To add, one day was chatting to friends on FB and they suggested I remove the elbow part of this pipe on wash machine to clean it as was having probs, now I had never done this and I thought, shall I, my husband was sleeping, neither of us are plumbers but was sick of waiting in all the time for them not to show up and the sink was blocked. I turned off the wash machine taps at side and removed the elbow pipe thinking, this can go two ways here, good or bad. I removed it and was walking around the flat with it, my husband came out to the toilet half sleep and said, where did you get that from,, I said the wash machine elbow pipe thingy, he said oh you took it off, I said yeah, I am gonna clean it out and replace it back. He said ok and went back to bed as he works nights. Later it was fine working and clean. I was proud of myself for doing it. I am not saying we can do major jobs as not trained in that area, but little things we can. My friend on FB told me exactly what to do and another guy friend on there. And I did it.


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## Ladywriter

KathyBatesel said:


> He doesn't want to be controlled by you, but he doesn't want to control himself.
> 
> There aren't too many solutions here. You have to pick your solution, and do it without his help, and then when he gets mad, you need to calmly say, "Next time, if you'd like something to happen differently, you'll have to do it yourself." Don't get upset that he got mad! Just don't argue about any of it. You know what needs to be done, so find a way for it to get done without relying on your UNreliable husband. If he gets angry, it is HIS problem. He had a chance to create a different and didn't do it. That's not YOUR fault.


 As said to the lady I do more painting here then my husband, he thinks I am better at it. Accept for time when I got the sponge stuck to the ceiling. See he prefers cooking and experimenting with various foods, to me cooking is a means to staying alive.LOL


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> There are several problems i have in my marriage. My husband is very laid back and he will not do anything unless being told. he does thing half assy, i always have to call someone to fix things, like the paintings of rooms/house. he cannot handle stress. the days when he has too much work or has worked alot, he is very snappy and i see the pattern. just last week, we were at the post office, he asked the guy a question, the man was a little mean to him. he walked aways, didnt say anything but was rude to me the whole day. i just really dont understand it. i am his punching bag but if was here, he would tell you that wasnt true and that he is my punching bag. whenever i talk to him about infertility, he says, he doesnt want to listen and i rather go talk to a friend. Or go out with a friend. I actually have done that. i dont talk to him about my emotional things anymore.
> He always forgets things, i have given him instructions, very nicely, written it, he goes and comes back and has done it completely opposite. this to me shows, he doesnt care or listen to me at all. i used to get angry, but now, i dont care, i am like, OK whatever, i will do it myself.
> Like I said, last sunday, after he was taking his sweet time, i just left, told him i was leaving and he should have his time off, and went with friends. i honestly think that the reason monday's incident happened was because of me leaving him on sunday. he told me he didnt care if i left. so he gives me mixed messages. he says he doesnt care but he punishes me another way.
> 
> for the longest time, i would always pick a place to go out and eat, he never made up his mind, i asked but he didnt make up his mind. then all of a sudden, one day, he is like, you never let me pick a place. i was like, wow, OK and now, i insist that we go where he wants.
> 
> But guess what, in all this, i am at fault, i am to blame. i am so confused, i really dont understand. sometimes, i am like, how did this happened. how did such a small thing blow up into such a big fight.


 You state how he always forgets things, I dont know how old you both are but have you considered he having tests for dementia or other illnesses like attention span deficit, not sure what its called but a well known singer has this problem where she cant remember things or hold her attention span long, its a medical condition. The reason I mention early stage of dementia is because my Dad has this but when it begun I didnt notice it, its very hard to recognise if you have never been around anyone with it. Certain chemicals in the brain can make people forgetful, with us our time of month can do that, I get really clumsy when I have mine, I have broken drinks and dropped breads and everything and been a bit spaced out with it. So guys probably get other forms of this. Also lowered cells can caused forgetfullness as well. The body is a funny strange thing.


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## EleGirl

Arora,

You really need to leave him.. really. You are not safe with him.

But I don't think you are strong enough to leave him. So if you don't...

You cannot make him do anything.. not clean up his mess and not abuse you. Everything he does or does not do is his choice.

Stop picking up after him and stop bugging him to pick up. Put the stuff he leaves around in bags, baskets, boxes.. anything you want. Put them in the garage or his side of the closet. Let him put his stuff away. If he does not, it's his problems. 

Stop doing things like his laundry. Since you have to do everything else, make him responsible for his own things. If he wants clean clothing he can wash them.

Stop bugging him about things and stop doing things for him.

Find a center for domestic violence and start counseling. 

Make an exit plan. Do a good search on "domestic violence exit plan". Do what the sites tell you to do so that you can be safe.

Since the house is in your name, instead of you leaving.. you call the police and have him removed. You can leave the house to get away from the abuse but immediately call 911 and tell them that your husband assaulted/battered you and you need someone to meet you at the house and remove him so you can return to your home.

No one can help you if you will not help yourself.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> There are several problems i have in my marriage. My husband is very laid back and he will not do anything unless being told. he does thing half assy, i always have to call someone to fix things, like the paintings of rooms/house. he cannot handle stress. the days when he has too much work or has worked alot, he is very snappy and i see the pattern. just last week, we were at the post office, he asked the guy a question, the man was a little mean to him. he walked aways, didnt say anything but was rude to me the whole day. i just really dont understand it. i am his punching bag but if was here, he would tell you that wasnt true and that he is my punching bag. whenever i talk to him about infertility, he says, he doesnt want to listen and i rather go talk to a friend. Or go out with a friend. I actually have done that. i dont talk to him about my emotional things anymore.
> He always forgets things, i have given him instructions, very nicely, written it, he goes and comes back and has done it completely opposite. this to me shows, he doesnt care or listen to me at all. i used to get angry, but now, i dont care, i am like, OK whatever, i will do it myself.
> Like I said, last sunday, after he was taking his sweet time, i just left, told him i was leaving and he should have his time off, and went with friends. i honestly think that the reason monday's incident happened was because of me leaving him on sunday. he told me he didnt care if i left. so he gives me mixed messages. he says he doesnt care but he punishes me another way.
> 
> for the longest time, i would always pick a place to go out and eat, he never made up his mind, i asked but he didnt make up his mind. then all of a sudden, one day, he is like, you never let me pick a place. i was like, wow, OK and now, i insist that we go where he wants.
> 
> But guess what, in all this, i am at fault, i am to blame. i am so confused, i really dont understand. sometimes, i am like, how did this happened. how did such a small thing blow up into such a big fight.


 You say you are his punching bag? do you mean he hits you or has previously? or do you speak metaphorically.


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## chillymorn

KathyBatesel said:


> Stop talking!! Pick up his stuff, put it in big trash bags, and put them in the garage or something where he can go through it when he's ready to. Your closet's cleared, and you don't have to argue!!


I think this is just throwing gas on a fire. she knows he can be abusive. with that said she should control her tounge and out smart him. getting loud and in his face or worse attacking his personal belongings might be enough to make him lose control and really hurt her.

keep calm and realise he has an anger problem and if he touches you again call the cops.have him removed and file a pfa. file for divorce and call it a day.

if you think you want to save your marriage(don't know why you would) make him go to anger management classes as a condition of staying married.


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## Ladywriter

Arora said:


> what i dont understand is the roller coaster, how can someone be so normal and so abnormal at the same time. i consider both of us to be intelligent. and when we have fun, we have great fun. but my husband cannot handle stress or any extra work other than his job.


 I think it may be referred to as narcissistic personality disorder, they have little feeling for another person and can not show it either, but they dont like to be rejected and always want to be right, if they are proved wrong they really hate that and can get sulky like a child or violent even. Depending on their personality which stems from their child hood from maybe lack of love or consideration. Or told not to show emotion as that is weak, especially for the men. They generally have little or no consideration for any situation they put another person in and have no empathy or sympathy if the problem has been caused by them, yet are highly intelligent people in other areas and can give some very good advice to some one else who is in the same situation. They would even advise the out sider asking same as you to leave the man, but they cant see their own faults because in their mind, they dont have any. They dont like to be made to look the fool in public or made to look wrong either, and always want to be at the forefront leaving you walking behind with the attention on them. I know from experience with my Dad years ago. My Dad unfortunately had the compulsive liar disorder along with narcism as well. I only found out from a friend actually when she said her Ex had this and when I looked up the tendancy personality it fitted my Dad, I already found out about the lying but when I then saw online the narcistic personality and they all matched my Dad. Yes it was upsetting but oh well. My Dad was not violent but he hated to be proved wrong and would sulk and he left a lot of people in debt and didnt even care, to him, he did nothing wrong.

To add you said you dont understand the roller coaster personality, above is of which I have just described. this person is great and confident and friendly, BUT!!! you upset them or prove they are actually wrong in something, or the attention comes off of them, you see them change like the wind. Years ago I had a big row with my Dad about near eviction at that time right, an hour later he talked to me like the row had never even happened and was talking about buying this and that, with the eviction letter on table in front of him, I thought WTF. See what I am saying. They sweep their problems away, when you make their problem exist they hate you for it. There is no cure for narcism either.


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## sunvalley

Arora said:


> He says i provoke him to get like that. he says that i always push his buttons. i agree, i am bad myself. i get mad easily when i ask him to do something and it never gets done to the point where i just loose it. on sunday, i told him that it was a nice weather to go grab a bite but our house needed to be cleaned as well. so i asked him to vacuum the stairs and the bathrooms and i have done the rest. he was playing video games most of the time, then he goes into vacuuming. i was done with my part and was waiting for him. when i went upstairs to tell him when he is going to be done. he said he needed to shower etc. he was moving so slow. he always does that. he takes more time to get ready than me. i am the one who takes care of everything else but now, i feel like he was kinda upset cuz i asked him to help with house chores. we both work. i drive further distance than him but he worked last weekend so he wanted to relax. I am so confused, i really dont know what to do.


* Get out now. * YOU do not provoke ANYTHING. He is an adult, and responsible for his behavior. 

He threw you into a wall for telling him his closet was being painted? (Don't tell me he "pinned" you -- that's crap. How do I know? It's been done to me.) He throws objects at you, and blames you for provoking him? Throws you down on the bed???  And has the brass ones to pull this passive-aggressive crap??? Give me a break. I would say you're being reasonable!!

I am not kidding, Arora. I have been there, done that -- and so have MANY people on this board. Leave *now*. Do not tell him, do not reason with him, do not leave notes around so he will find out. Pack a bag of essentials and walk away.

Trust me from personal experience -- it WILL get worse, and you will wind up with either a broken neck or a body cast. And as other posters have pointed out, people like this will not change or improve. They have to want to, and even then there's no guarantee.

Sounds like he's a whiny narcissist. In his mind, he's the best, most caring, sexiest, handiest person alive. When you (or anyone else) shatters that for him, he goes off and takes it out on you physically. But you know what? That is NOT normal. And it will get worse.


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## Cosmos

Read this carefully, OP, then phone your local women's centre / women's refuge and form a safe exit plan:- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

You've received a lot of good advice here. I hope for your sake that you take it.

*The only thing that changes with an abuser is that they get worse.*


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## Ladywriter

I would have dumped him ages ago.


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