# Help with a porn issuse



## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

Laides, thanks for your time, I'm really looking for help, advise, insight on this issue... any replys at all are welcome.

First off, like I've read from others on these boards before, my wife has discovered that I had looked at porn and felt like I was cheating on her. She said that it's using other people to get off so it's cheating. She felt like she "wasn't enough" for me and wanted a divorce. We've remained based on the contingent that I will not look at porn, ever again.... And I know a lot of people say that's immpossible, she even thinks it's immpossible or at least unlikely. But if I look at porn again, it's over. 

Now I love my wife dearly, she is my life, my looking at porn made her feel like she wasn't enough, or that I wanted other women, when non of that was at all true, so to be sensitive to her needs and feelings, I said if me looking at porn makes you feel like this, I won't. And I haven't, for over three years. Now I never ever choose porn over my wife, I never negelted her needs, it had no bearing on our sexual life, just the fact that I looked at it at all, was enough to make her feel the way she does. 

We are happy together, we're like newlyweds 13 yrs into our relationship, I literally cannot wait to see her everyday, however once a month or once every 2 months we go through this episode where she accuses me of having looked at porn, and lying to her. She says it's over and there's no way a man can not look at porn, so we cant be together, and I'm tired of living like this. If I take too long at a store picking up bread, or there's traffic, I get, where were you, why did this take so long, and this feeling which I hate, in which I know she's thinkning about ending our realtionship because she thinks I looked at porn. Oh and it's not just porn porn, it's anything in which a woman is sexually depicted. Any bikini pic's stuff at the grocery check out stands, lord help me if I get cought looking at the cover of cosmo, for crying out loud. I've stopped watching rated r movies, I feel like I have to be asexual in every regard except for her. 

I have internalized all this to express to her all I want is her, but I'm starting to feel like she doesn't love me for who I am. That there's something wrong with my sexuality as a hetrosexual male. I'm starting to wish she loved all of me and knew that all I want is to be with her. 

Am I making any sense?

Thanks for your time.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh my god. You sound like a really devoted husband. Wish I felt mine was this devoted. I'm jealous! 

Sorry I have no advise. She has no clue what she has. She needs a big eye opener.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He's not devoted, he's henpecked and controlled.

His entire life hinges on his wife's excessive insecurities.

I would extricate myself from that situation ASAP if I couldn't get her to be rational.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> He's not devoted, he's henpecked and controlled.
> 
> His entire life hinges on his wife's excessive insecurities.
> 
> I would extricate myself from that situation ASAP if I couldn't get her to be rational.


Honestly, I find myself agreeing with Tacoma. 

Dude, you agreed to stop watching it, and haven't for the last three years. Yet she accuses you of doing it still, claiming NO man can go without watching it at all? She's full of it. She's grasping at straws, trying to keep you under her thumb. Guess what? Right now, it's WORKING. 

Honestly... I'd wonder what it is that SHE'S hiding, since she keeps pecking away at this subject....


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## AllisonJameson (Mar 23, 2013)

I have a girl friend that is the same as your wife. She gets really angry at the thought that her husband might want to watch at porn. I told her she is over reacting. At some point most people had looked at porn and it is not the end of the world. My hubby did look, and when I found out we joked about it, and that was that. Right now, where I am in my life and marriage, I wouldn't worry if my husband looked at porn, as long as it doesn't get out of hand.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

I agree with the others that she seems to have gone way over the top with this, but I think it's worth taking a step back to see why this may be so. 

You say that you are still like newlyweds, so I will assume that you are for the most part happy together. Yet she is bringing this up repeatedly, which tells me that she is likely thinking about it more than you know. She may even feel a bit ridiculous for it, or tell herself she is being silly or paranoid. But it is eating at her all the same, and so it keeps coming to a boil.

My guess is that she has lost trust in your relationship. And by that I mean that she doesn't quite believe that you will remain faithful to her in the long term. Or perhaps harbors doubts that you truly want to do so. Or can.

So,my suggestion would be to work with her to help her cement her trust. Staying away from porn is one thing, and don't get me wrong, it absolutely shows that you care about her and how she feels. But it may help to make it more overtly clear to her why you are with her, why you love her, and why other women would not compare. (Assuming all of this is truthful.)

This is not to say that you should cave at her every outburst and shut yourself into a cage. It is to suggest that maybe you can help her build trust by talking with her about why she feels that way, what she thinks when it comes to issues of attraction and fidelity, and then finding ways to show her that you are really on her side.

Of course, this is not all on you to fix. She has to be willing to work with you and on herself.

And of course, all of this comes from my own experiences, and may not at all apply to your situation.


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Your wife obviously has trust issues and I think she's also full of insecurities. If you are not a porn addict and she keeps being unfair to you like this, then it might be time for you to move on to a new relationship. As you said you never neglected her needs and she keeps on acting up like this then it means the problem is HER. Why don't you ask your wife, 'so what if i look at porn every once in a while? i didn't sleep with another woman! and it doesn't mean i don't love you!' Now if your wife really loves you, she will accept you. it's normal after all for men to be more sexually energized compared to women. Your wife needs to understand.


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## Jessie78 (May 6, 2013)

Wow IAMCIV my husband and I are going through a very similar situation. I saw my H's history on his cell phone and saw porn sites and felt the same as your wife, like I am not good enough! He has told me I am the only he wants and loves and he is being very reassuring. Your wife needs to learn to trust u again, my husband lets me see his cell phone whenever I want to see what sites he has been on, I looked at it a few times, but lately I say "no I don't need to see it" because I am learning to trust him again. If it has been 3 years and she can not trust you maybe you should ask her straight out what would it take for her to trust u again? 
As for the cover of cosmo, well we live in a world were sex sells and u have no control over that and hopefully she can get past it. The best advise I can give you if to constantly remind her that she is beautiful and u love her and only her, and I mean tell her all the time, no women ever gets tired of hearing those things!


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## celestialsunberry (Jan 7, 2011)

This is just...coming from me as my perspective...take it or leave it.

If my husband was looking at porn, yea, I'd have a severe problem with it. I don't know that many people that wouldn't feel beyond rejected. When you hit a nerve that deep, people...react because they haven't healed the wound.

You do have to build trust, but, I think she's just acting out of fear. She's probably just afraid that you're going to drop her for the next hot chick that comes out there, REGARDLESS of the every day life. 

However, I think, at the same time, that she probably needs counseling. I don't know what her life was like, and I don't think you should have to live like that, either. She could have her own mental issues or past to deal with. Maybe there is just something in her that cannot trust again. I don't know. I don't know if you've asked her what would heal her, or make her trust you again. Perhaps you should sit and ask her what she would do if she was in your situation, or try to help her understand how her fears, while once founded, do not need to be continually renewed. You have to build that trust with her, and try to find out what would make her trust you again.

So..I hope that helps.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> He's not devoted, he's henpecked and controlled.
> 
> His entire life hinges on his wife's excessive insecurities.
> 
> I would extricate myself from that situation ASAP if I couldn't get her to be rational.


I have to agree with this.

It's great that you are willing to do so much to make her feel secure but all your efforts are wasted because she doesn't see any of it as genuine.

She should be in therapy for her self esteem issues.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> She should be in therapy for her self esteem issues.


Scarlet hit the nail on the head here. 

And I just have to say...Even though I'm a woman, I have loved porn since I first saw it as a teen. For the life of me, I have never understood women who view this as cheating. To me, it simply isn't. It's a person or people on a screen...no interaction from the viewer...just watching. Sorry to other ladies out there who feel this way...I've just always thought this was positively absurd.

But...if your wife continually brings this up...it really does sound like it's her issue. See if she'll go to counseling...maybe you could go together to get to the core of her issue. Have you just asked her "Why do you keep bringing this up? Why don't you trust me? What do I have to do to regain that trust?"


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## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

My husband looks at porn and it does upset me...a lot. This is in part due to the fact that he cheated on me in the past AND how insecure I feel with myself.

To me, him watching porn means I'm not good enough. It makes my self esteem drop lower. Top that with the fact that I catch him checking out other women and it plummets even more. (I actually started a thread bout this very thing in the general forum.)

I can just imagine what hell would break loose if I started checking out other guys or downloading a bunch of porn on my phone. He has accused me many times of sleeping with my FEMALE friends even. And I have never, not once, cheated on him. 

Has anything happened over the course of your marriage that would lead her to feel so strongly about it like I do? I'm sure had my husband never cheated I would have a very different view. Have you ever talked/texted a woman behind her back that she found out about? Ever have a friendly "lunch date, coffee, etc" with a female friend that your wife was not invited to?

Based on my own experience and the way I act about the porn thing, it really makes me wonder if something, at some point in time, had happened. Even if you think/thought it was innocent.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Your wife clearly has a self esteem issue. But so do you. Why are you being Mr nice guy towards someone that lashes out at you for no real reason? Why do you feel like you are the one who has to make everything alright and give in? Whatever you give her, will not be enough. She will find other things to lash out and control you.

What happened in her life that made her so suspicious and controlling?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> He's not devoted, he's henpecked and controlled.
> 
> His entire life hinges on his wife's excessive insecurities.
> 
> ...


Well said....


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

If I was you I'd tape up pictures of naked women all over the bedroom and tell her if she doesn't like it well there's the door.

Time to take control of your life. With or without your wife.

Odds are once you man up she'll find you so irresistable she'll let you do whatever you want.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Agree she needs individual counseling, you need to draw the line. Your feeding into her insecurities and it's not healthy. You can't PG your whole life, try as you might but, it won't be enough for her.

If she is wanting to divorce wish her good luck because you have being willing to put up with her. She should be thanking her lucky stars she has you and not a jerk that cheats on her.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> She should be in therapy for her self esteem issues.


:iagree:

My husband was looking at porn before and it really upset me, but that was more so because he was neglecting me. You've done all you can to make her feel comfortable and she still accuses you of looking at porn. She needs to get help with her self-esteem issues or this will never get better.


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