# what to do?



## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

Hi I have been having some problems in my marriage. I have some issues from my childhood which in turn caused me to push my husband away and not let him be close to me. I never liked to be touched I never wanted to be intimate with him. And 8 years ago I had an affair. I never let him talk to me about it I told him if he loved me he would stay if not then go. He tried to talk to me but I wouldn't let him. He felt if he pushed I would leave. My affair ended after 1 month but he never knew that. He felt like I was always wanting other guys and that I didn't really think he was very sexy or even good looking. I never told him what I thought. How much I thought of him or how great he was. He helps around the house all the time, cooks, is a great dad but I never told him these things. I find out he was having an affair in December. He told me he could talk to her and she told him things about himself that he has never heard before. I feel just terrible about this. He tells me he is not talking to her but he doesn't know how he feels about me.
He loves me but he had to shut his feelings for me off a long time ago to keep from getting hurt. I have told him what happend to me as a child and he understands that I acted the way I did because of it but he also said he is the way he is because how I treated him. I have changed and I am now much more loving and I tell him how hot I think he is. He doesn't believe me says the only reason I am saying these things is because I am like a child with a toy I don't play with and then someone else comes along and wants it and now I say you cant have it because its mine. He said he feels like property. I love him with my whole heart and will do anything from him. How do I make him see I have changed and I need to be the things he needs me to be?


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## Flutterlashes (Jan 8, 2009)

Yours is a sad story. I think that you need to ask yourself a few questions. Start with, why did your own affair happen? Then go on to, are your feelings for your husband heightened now because he has had an affair since? It sounds as though you have both had a lot of pain to contend with and instead of seeking support and comfort from one another you have both sought it elsewhere, with people that you are not so connected to. 

This problem is rectifiable, although it may take a long period of time. Talking and really listening to one another will help. If it proves difficult then why not send him an email/letter asking him to relate his feelings to you, what he wants and maybe you could reflect upon him your own feelings that way. 

I hope that things work out for you, but remember that you both need to be honest with yourselves firstly and then it will not be possible to lead one another astray. x


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

First of you must make sure the changes you are making are ones you can live with and commit to forever. Second communication or lack there of is a huge problem in your relationship with him and the two of you need to discuss the relationship and what each of your wants and needs are. As far as what happened to you as a child and its current effect on your intimacy may be something you need to discuss a counselor. It is likely the marriage may need some help there also. Is he open to that? Are you?



blue_girl said:


> I have changed and I am now much more loving and I tell him how hot I think he is. He doesn't believe me says the only reason I am saying these things is because I am like a child with a toy I don't play with and then someone else comes along and wants it and now I say you cant have it because its mine.


What you have referred to here is called therapy with a 2X4. You realized you were at real risk of losing him and came to know how much you love him in the process. This can bring people back into the marriage and help them commit to changes that are lasting. That’s what happened to me. Since he is detached it will likely take him time to even begin to return to you. Be patient in this and be consistent in your changes. Don’t dote on him but show him you love him, support him and care for him. Use your actions rather then your words. Be very steady and strap in for a long haul, this will take time. Also set your boundaries with him that he cannot have contact with TOW. That is a must. Things can improve for your, best of luck.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

blue_girl said:


> How do I make him see I have changed and I need to be the things he needs me to be?


Time and action.

Your affair was 8 years ago, so you've been married for a while. I would be EXTREMELY SKEPTICAL if I was him as well. Years upon years changed in a month? Seriously doubt it. 

Now, I'm going to be very brutally honest here. He probably has a lot of resentment towards you. A LOT. If my wife would not allow me to be intimate and wouldn't even let me touch her when I was trying to be intimate with her... and THEN went out and had an affair with another guy, first of all I might not have been able to take her back, but if I did take her back, but she still wouldn't be intimate or let me touch her and never said anything to me... I would hold a lot of resentment. And honestly, there is no way in hell I would've lasted 8 years before I ended the relationship.

Now, I will say, it's kind of a crappy way to go about it... I never say cheating is right or that someone deserves to be cheated on. I'm just saying that despite him being the one that cheated, if you want this relationship to work, you have a lot to work on here. It will be tough because you've dug yourself into a deep whole already.

Now, as others maybe and will say... words mean nothing. It's all action. You have to show him that you will do it, not just say you are going to... because it didn't change before, he honestly thinks it's not going to change this time...


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You have to change. You have to decide to make the change. 

I don't know what happened to you when you were young...but let me tell you a little about my young life.

Over the years, I've come to learn that I arrived a bit "early" in my parents marriage. Since this was back in the '50s, the mores were different and my father (I've never referred to him as dad, actually more often my brothers and I refered to him as the "old man") may have felt pressured to "do the right thing". 

As I was growing up, I always seemed to catch his ire. My younger brothers could do no wrong (it seemed), but I always did. He used to beat me and whip me, almost constantly. No permanent marks, though. 

One day (I was in middle school, just prior to high school grade) while home from school for lunch, my brothers and I were in the kitchen and they were making noise. They blamed it on me and my father called me into the dining room to finish lunch.

He started lecturing me and I was "uh, huh", "ok", etc. I guess that pissed him off and he grabbed the nearest thing to hand (a yard stick, a good quarter inch thick) and started whacking me on the back and shoulders. At one point he hit the back of my head. 

I always thought the expression "seeing red" was just that, until that point. I vaguely remember getting up from my chair and turning towards him. I vaguely remember punching him (twice) and knocking him down. What I do remember was standing at the door preparing to leave the house (for school) and saying "if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you". Then I walked out. As it happens, he died a month later (emphysema they said, but I suspect disillusionment, dejection...but I didn't care). 

Many years later as I grew and matured I learned much more about life and some of the old letters and such in the attic. I never did find out what his "problem" was, but I forgave him and got over it. 

At the same time, I made a solemn promise to myself that if/when I have kids I would NEVER treat them the way I was treated. And I did not. And I never told them of my father. 

They would get spanked when they messed up, but afterwards, I'd always hold them and tell them I loved them. They understood the punishment was for their mistake not something I did in anger or revenge. 

My point is that no matter what happened in my youth, I learned to grow out of it. You can, too. 

Especially, you need to learn to communicate. As openly and frankly as possible. It's necessary in any relationship, particularly marriage. 

You affair and his are the direct result of the lack of communication. This must be rectified. You both did what you did for whatever reasons. It's now in the past. You both bear some responsibility for the affairs. Now, learn to communicate with each other.

It will be hard, at first. It will seem impossible. But it can happen. Once those doors are open, it will be as if a floodgate were released. You will regain the intimacy and love for which you married in the first place. 

My ex wife and I had almost 20 years together before we separated. We later divorced. I know now it was due to communication (or the lack thereof). My current GF and I talk openly and honestly and (almost) brutally frankly with each other. There is no "bad" talks, but there are fulfilling discussions. We both know each other better than our previous spouses did. And it's a very good feeling. 

If you and H need to see a counselor, please do so. YOU need to learn to open up and forgive the past and communicate. HE needs to learn the new you. Only then will you both be able to apologize to the other and begin to rebuild your lives. Please do so. 

(sorry, didn't mean to make such a long post... sigh  )


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

Thank you all so much for your insight. I have changed and I know he is the love of my life and I can't wait to show him. I have so much love my heart hurts and I am here for long haul.


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

How do I stop pushing him to work on the marriage? He keeps telling me I am making him build his walls higher and that he goes deeper into himself. He says I can not make him talk about his feelings until he is ready. Please help me stop pushing. Does anyone know of a good hobby i can do to take my mind off things?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I did boundary books with my H to help these sorts of things. It was a good way to talk about what each other were doing that created more walls.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

blue_girl said:


> How do I stop pushing him to work on the marriage? He keeps telling me I am making him build his walls higher and that he goes deeper into himself. He says I can not make him talk about his feelings until he is ready. Please help me stop pushing. Does anyone know of a good hobby i can do to take my mind off things?


He needs to be ready to talk. Pushing will accomplish nothing but pushing him further away. Relax and let him know you are ready to talk when he is. It may take some time. He is trying to come to grips with his own feelings now on his own terms. Give him that space. Don’t’ dote or continually try to get him to tell you where he is in this right now. I know this is tough but give it some time. Try reading Dobson’s “Love must be tough”. It doesn’t apply completely to your situation but may help in teaching you how to relax and get your feet back under you. It can also show you how giving some distance and being aloof can help him draw back towards you. Good luck, this can get easier with time.


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

OK - so yesterday I drove by where my husband was suppose to be working (he is a carpenter) and his truck was not there. I then went by where the OW lives and her SUV was not there. I went to his shop and could tell someone had driven inside because it had snowed the night before and there where tire tracks going in. The door was locked so I just waited. The guy who owns the building just happened to be there and he let me in. This whole time I had been trying to call him on his cell phone and never got him. When I went inside there sat his truck but he was nowhere to be found. I then went back by the OW house and here she came backing out of her garage. I called her husband to see if he knew anything and I opened a big can of worms. I followed her around for awhile without her knowing. She left to go out of town so I went home. On my way home her husband called me and told me he was leaving her. He said he could not live with her and think that she is lying to him all the time. I also got a call back from my husband he asked me if I had been to his shop. We had a long talk when I got home. I asked why his truck was in the shop and he told me he had walked to the park which is about 2 blocks away to take pictures. He does do this as he sells his pictures. He said he was not with her and he feels like I am trying to control him so he sometimes does not answer his phone. I don't know what to believe. I told him I had to feel secure in this marriage. He has to answer his phone when I call. He must tell me where he is. He must tell me if he is not going to be where he should be working. It is really hard to work on the things I need to be for him when he is doing these things.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl-

It's very hard to tell exactly what's been going on or is going on due to the vagueness of your first post.

You say you did not like your hubby to be intimate or touch you. Did you have sex at all during the last 8 years, and if so what was the frequency? 

You say you have changed lately, how is that manifesting?


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

Yes we were having sex. I'd say once a week or 3 to 4 times a month. I have changed a lot I tell him I love him. I give lots of hugs and kisses. If we have sex now it is because I initiate it. He says right now there are no fireworks for him. He feels bad that he is making me feel bad. He told me he feels bad when we do have sex and he feels bad if we don't because he knows I want to. He also told me he feels the only reason I want to be with him is because somebody else wants him. This is not true. I have always loved him and wanted to be with him but because of my childhood I was unable to show him. I want to be with him in every way possible. He keeps telling me he has to come to this in his own time just like I did. He feels I am pushing him to feel a certain way so he digs his heels in and goes deeper into himself. I feel like he found something with this other person and I will never be able to measure up to her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl said:


> I feel like he found something with this other person and I will never be able to measure up to her.


Perhaps this will be the catalyst for you to open up more.

Tell my about how you used to find him attractive, but at the same time you did not want to be touched. Can you explain more about that?


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

I felt if I let him get close to me he would find out this terrible thing from my childhood that I had never told anyone about. In my mind the only thing he wanted was sex and to me that was a dirty thing. I could not see that this was how he felt close to me. That he needed that and that was how he felt loved. I never told him how much I thought of him or how attractive I thought he was. He always used to call me girly a little pet name I loved. I never called him anything but his name or dad for the kids. I now have started calling him honey. He feels I am just not sincere and that in 6 months things will go back to the way they were and he just can't put his whole heart into the marriage right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl said:


> I felt if I let him get close to me he would find out this terrible thing from my childhood that I had never told anyone about.


Sweetheart, would you like to tell us about that now?


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

I was molested when I was a child. My parents never knew. I never told anyone about it. I finally told my husband in June. We have been together 20 years. I was having a hard year and he was there for me and helped me get through. I felt so close to him and safe with him. The first time in my life I really felt like someone had my back. Three weeks later he started having an affair.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl-

It's great that just telling him has set you free from your feelings of guilt. Abuse often causes the receiver to feel guilty, especially if they had experienced pleasant sensations at the time, during a forbidden encounter. If this is the case, then in later life, legitimate sex between husband and wife can feel wrong, because those feelings of arousal trigger the memories and guilt of the abuse. 

I think that after 8 years of not demonstrating physical desire for him, when you finally did, you were out of sync. The answer is to keep being nice, and stay close, and eventually he will realise that you mean it.


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

How long will this take? He used to be so sweet and affectionate and now nothing. My heart is breaking.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl said:


> How long will this take? He used to be so sweet and affectionate and now nothing. My heart is breaking.


I don't know all the details, so I can't say. If you keep up giving us info in this thread, the nature of things might become more obvious.

I know you explained about the abuse to him, but he may not understand the mechanism that I briefly touched on above. If what I said fits the bill, you could go over it with him. On the other hand I may have been completely wrong.

From his point of view he probably feels much of the last 8 years of his youth were wasted on a woman who did not appreciate him. What you can gradually show him, is that the new improved you was worth the wait. And you are worth it. People who undergo heavy experiences and come out the other side wholesome again, are often more loving and interesting and able to empathise with the hardships of others, than people who have lead a sheltered life.

Keep writing...


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

I think your Out of Sync is pretty close to how things are right now. We have been together for 20 years. Married for 17 1/2.
I was never very affectionate. He has always been there for me in every way but financially. I have had to take care of all the bills and the stress from not having enough money. This in turn has made me a controlling person. He is resentful of that but he needs to take responsibility for the money. I have decided to turn all the bills over to him and I hope this well let him have the control he wants. It will also relieve some stress in my life after all these years. We both have some resentment towards each other for different reasons and I am trying to work on my personality and the aspects of my life that I want to change to be a better person. Now I need him to take financial responsibility. Just not sure if he can do that right now because of all the other things that have come up in the last 6 months.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

blue_girl said:


> I am trying to work on my personality and the aspects of my life that I want to change to be a better person.


You are already a wonderful person, just express yourself, and let your star shine. If he can't see it, then someone else will. Believe me.


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## blue_girl (Jan 23, 2009)

Just found out he has been talking with the OW. He tells me it is not about her but I'm having a hard time believing that. I can't help him see the real person I am if he is still involved with her. She told me she is going to work on her marriage and is not going to be talking to my H. He is the one who keeps calling her. I don't know what to do.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OK. It probably seems like her existence in the situation is not helping. But I always see affairs as symptoms not causes. You could go over the things I mentioned in earlier posts with him, and tell him how sorry you are that you caused him to be susceptible to the charms of other women. But now you want to make it up to him.

If you can put this across right, it will work. Obviously sex was the main problem. So that's the easy part. The other part of the sex thing is that men not only like to get the sex itself, but the getting of it and being desired makes them feel on top of the world. Lack of being desired makes them feel unwanted and resentful.

So by lusting after him a bit, you will be giving him what he craved for all those years. It's really about validating him as a male.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

To stop the past from hurting you any more then it has already you need to talk about it , you need to feel no shame and you need to feel no more hurt i truly hope that you can let it go so you are able to move fowards ,The people on here will not judge you they will offer you advice if you feel you cant be open please find a way you can talk about your childhood so you can make a brighter future xx thinking of you


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Blue_girl- I, too was sexually assaulted- I was 17 at the time and it was a trusted family friend. I went in to a huge downward spiral for about two years where I slept with everyone I could because I had such low self esteem, was an absolute train wreck. Then it all clicked. He was the bad guy. He was wrong. It wasn't my fault. I took some valuable lessons from it- yes it was a horrible thing for him to do but no one will ever, ever make me do anything I don't want to do ever again. I know who I am, I won't be made to feel vulnerable, I am a strong person now. In my case he was in my room late in the night when my parents were asleep. He was in town and staying with us. I pretended to be asleep while he did unmentionable things to me. If anyone ever tries anything again I will not put myself through that hell. It's my body, I got past it, and my sex life with my husband is amazing. I know what I like, I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to ask for it or tell my husband. I love the things my body does and it's something everyone should enjoy!!! I never let it control me and I never will because it wasn't my fault. Holy crap I haven't talked about this in years but apparently it still cuts deep, sorry. I am who I am and I am a better person now. It sucks that I had to go through that but in the end, I like who I am so I'm ok with it. Don't let what happened to you control your future- use it to make yourself stronger and learn to let it go. Enjoy your husband and yourself, there is a whole sex life out there you deserve to enjoy!!!


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