# How to bring up Marriage



## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

I’ve been separated from my ex for four years, divorced for three. I have two daughters in middle school. Since I left I’ve had a few relationships. Almost a year ago I met and began seeing an amazing man who has turned out to be exactly what I’ve been searching for for so long. He is my best friend and the love of my life.

We have had numerous discussions about our future together. I have told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he says he feels the same way. There are some logistical decisions that have been and still need to be made. We live 30 minutes apart (although it doesn’t seem like that). We have already decided that someday (likely in the Fall) he will move in with me. We both own houses, but his daughter is in college and mine are still in grade school. I have to stay where I am; he doesn’t.

So all of these decisions have been made, and these discussions have been had, but I don’t think we have ever specifically discussed our views on remarriage. I know I want to marry him. I’m 99% sure he isn’t averse to the idea, but I’m still a little scared. I don’t want to sound nagging or desperate. I don’t need a ring on my finger before he moves in, but I would like to know it’s headed in that direction.

How do I bring it up without scaring him away?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ask him directly if he is open to remarrying (to you!), but don't try to put a time frame on it. Living together will be the deciding factor for the future, and it's good that you've dated a year or more before taking that step! Either living together will bring you closer, or reveal problems that the two of you may or may not be able to resolve. Most likely it will do both, and HOW you handle issues will be a good gauge for the future as well.

Until you've lived together a year, he should not sell his house - perhaps lease it - until you've figured out what will happen next. Don't make any binding decisions about marriage until you're well into the cohabiting experience - it takes time to establish a life together, and to figure out if you can't live without each other, but CAN live with the flaws and annoying traits that are inevitable.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How do your kids feel about him, and your relationship?

My H (a lifelong bachelor) casually asked me on our first date if I would ever consider getting married again, and I said, “I am absolutely getting married again! I love being a wife. Are *you *interested in getting married?” It was why I was dating!

Apparently you are not supposed to say stuff like that for fear of scaring the man off. I hadn’t read the memo. I wouldn’t have listened to it anyway. If discussing marriage is going to scare a man off, he wasn’t the one for me then. Plus, my kids were also in middle school, and I would not have brought them into anything without the commitment of marriage. 

If I were you, I would say, “I was thinking about it, and I don’t think we have ever discussed remarriage. What are your thoughts?”

This puts the ball completely in his court. Listen carefully. I hope it goes well!


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

Spicy said:


> How do your kids feel about him, and your relationship?


I met his daughter shortly after we started dating because she was heading off to college and wanted to meet me (she’s almost 20, though). He met my girls just before Thanksgiving. They love him and he loves them, and I love his daughter like she’s my own, and all the girls like each other.


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

Married but Happy said:


> Don't make any binding decisions about marriage until you're well into the cohabiting experience - it takes time to establish a life together,


Honestly, I don’t agree with that sentiment entirely. I think it’s different when you’ve been married before. I was married for 11 years and I lived with another guy for three years before that. I’ve dated a lot in the nearly thirty years I’ve been an adult.

We have spent a lot of weekends together at each other’s houses, and especicially now, since we can’t go anywhere, we’ve spent a lot of time together just living life. I really don’t think living together is going to reveal anything we don’t already know.

We’re adults with a lot of experience being adults.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just ask him, its not that complicated. Why be afraid of scaring him away? If he answers "no way ever" doesn't that mean you two don't share the same long term goal? Wouldn't you rather know this now rather than two years after you have been living together? Honestly I'm surprised the topic hasn't come up already.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I too am just straight forward. You two aren't teenagers so no need to play games. Before he moves in, just say 'Hey I'm looking into the future and I see myself remarried, do you ever intend to remarry?' 

If he says no you have some thinking to do. I wouldn't let him move in if the answer was no.

Also keep in mind he can say the answer is yes and it could still take 11 years or something ridiculous. I am always amazed when I read people and they are like we been together 20 years married 9 year. So you 'dated' for 11 years. This tells me someone was upset on one side or the other because it doesn't normally take 11 years to figure out if you want to be with someone. Often times the marriage only happens through brow beating or the birth of a 2nd or 3rd child. Who wants that?

I'm an all in type personality. You either want me or you don't. There's no middle ground. You maybe different. Figure out what your boundaries are going to be. Are you willing to shack up for 11 years? If not you really need to have this conversation before he moves in. Also I wouldn't combine finances or anything like that before marriage.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Amen @Anastasia6


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AKCStL2000 said:


> I’ve been separated from my ex for four years, divorced for three. I have two daughters in middle school. Since I left I’ve had a few relationships. Almost a year ago I met and began seeing an amazing man who has turned out to be exactly what I’ve been searching for for so long. He is my best friend and the love of my life.
> 
> We have had numerous discussions about our future together. I have told him I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he says he feels the same way. There are some logistical decisions that have been and still need to be made. We live 30 minutes apart (although it doesn’t seem like that). We have already decided that someday (likely in the Fall) he will move in with me. We both own houses, but his daughter is in college and mine are still in grade school. I have to stay where I am; he doesn’t.
> 
> ...


If marriage does scare him away then is he the man for you? Personally if I had been dating for a year, had both agreed that we wanted to spend the rest of our your lives together but not once had marriage been even mentioned, I would see that as a red flag. My advise would be not to move in together until you know where he stands on it, and are maybe even engaged. Once you move in together he may think he has no reason to marry you, after all he has it all without any commitment. from him.
You say you are 99% sure he isn't averse to the idea but if that is the case then why after so long has the subject not even come up? Its massively important and needs to be talked about now before way before he moves in. You have children to think of and if he isn't prepared to commit then you may need to think again. You must find out if you are on the same page on this.
My sister in law had a partner who she moved in with, he refused to ever get married even after a few years, and the relationship eventually ended because of his refusal.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia, I so agree, I also think its odd when I hear of people who have been engaged for countless years. Getting engaged is supposed be a preparation time for marriage not a permanent state of being.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Spicy said:


> How do your kids feel about him, and your relationship?
> 
> My H (a lifelong bachelor) casually asked me on our first date if I would ever consider getting married again, and I said, “I am absolutely getting married again! I love being a wife. Are *you *interested in getting married?” It was why I was dating!
> 
> ...


I knew within less than a week that I had found my future (second) husband and we talked about marriage within 2 or 3 weeks. One of my children and their now spouse talked about how many children they wanted after just a few dates. If you know you know.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I knew within less than a week that I had found my future (second) husband and we talked about marriage within 2 or 3 weeks. One of my children and their now spouse talked about how many children they wanted after just a few dates. If you know you know.


Yeah, I knew really quick too. I was just honest and upfront with the men I talked too. I saw no point (and still don’t) in being anything but straight forward. I know my worth and what I want, why not just state that at the beginning. I’m mean, good grief, we were in our 40s. Isn’t that old enough to know if you want to be married or not?! If I scared men away by that, then shoo!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@AKCStL2000, 

I am 58yo and my now Beloved Hubby is 57yo (I robbed the cradle! lol), and we were friends for several months first...then we both developed feelings for each other. I would drive to see him as his job is STRICT 8-5 with NO flexibility and often late hours...and my job was remote and flexible. We each had our homes and our kids, so I've been exactly in your shoes. 
Now, I do not necessarily need the official "piece of paper" but I do need mutual exclusivity and commitment. I knew I felt that way about him and was about 99.99% sure he also felt that way about me. I think he was more the marrying type and I was more the commitment type, but I did ask him if he would officially ask me to marry him when he was ready. He said, "I'd like to get married in spring." I said, "Okay pick whichever May you want...next year, the year after, whatever you want but let's marry in May." He said okay and then a few days later, the official question was popped.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Yeah, I knew really quick too. I was just honest and upfront with the men I talked too. I saw no point (and still don’t) in being anything but straight forward. I know my worth and what I want, why not just state that at the beginning. I’m mean, good grief, we were in our 40s. Isn’t that old enough to know if you want to be married or not?! If I scared men away by that, then shoo!


Yes!! Same here. I'd had boyfriends forever, I was done with that - I was looking for a husband and was not about to waste time just dating for months only to find out he wasn't on the same page.

OP, just ask say "To me, moving in together is a stepping stone to engagement, I would hope about 12 months or so down the track. What does it look like to you?" then shutup and let him speak. It's REALLY important that you're both on the same page BEFORE moving in together.

That is pretty much what I said to my husband when moving in together came up, lol. I don't much around 🤣


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm an all in type personality. You either want me or you don't. There's no middle ground.


I am too, and so is he. I think I’m way over thinking this. I probably already know what his answer will be. I wouldn’t be with him this long if I didn’t.


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> why after so long has the subject not even come up?


I honestly, if I really think about it, don’t know that it hasn’t. We’ve had so many conversations about us, our future, etc. We talk a lot. You kind of have no choice when you’re locked down for 3 months and have binge-watched everything on Netflix. I’m likely just over thinking this. I usually do.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

AKCStL2000 said:


> I really don’t think living together is going to reveal anything we don’t already know.
> 
> We’re adults with a lot of experience being adults.


You're in for a big surprise and very rude awakening if you keep telling yourself this. Actually, all of your posts are way too sentimental regarding this man, when you need to be objective and keeping an open mind. You're talking about a lot of experience being adults, but you make yourself sound like a star-struck teenager. An adult with experience being an adult knows no one exists so fantastical as you have framed him in your mind. And when you move in together, you'll likely find out how wonderful he isn't really and that he doesn't like your kids once he starts complaining about their behavior and your parenting skills. Living together is a different beast than dating and spending a lot of time together. People are still on their best I'm-trying-to-impress-you-with-my-wonderfulness behavior during the dating stages. The masks come off after moving in and/or getting married.

Stop thinking him to be so marvelous. There's no such thing as Mr. Wonderful because we all have flaws, some more than others (and that's something you should be teaching your daughter/s) and start looking at him more scrupulously.

Read the book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man" by Steve Harvey. There's also a followup book to it. In his books, Steve helps women understand and navigate relationships with men and teaches that - as specifically pertaining to your concern in this thread - you shouldn't hesitate or be afraid to ask a man "What are your intentions?" Based on Steve's advice, you should already have the answer to your question. So be sure to ask him before he moves in with you.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I neglected to mention that I had rules for the guys I dated, and one of my rules was that I wouldn't date anyone for more than 2 years. Two years is enough time to know if we want to be married, so I expected the question or we would have to break up. I didn't leave it up to anyone to decide my life for me or string me along. I didn't have to wonder where I stood. I made it clear to them where they stand with me. You should do the same and make your own rules.

You have all your own power in the relationship. The only power you don't have is your power that you hand over to him.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

StarFires said:


> I made it clear to them where they stand with me.


You told them about the 2-year rule?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Some I did and some I didn't. They were my rules and relationships to scrutinize to determine if I wanted the relationships to progress, rather than spending that 2 years wondering what the guy wanted. I had 5 marriage proposals before finally marrying at 49. I was married as a teenager and knew early on that it was a mistake. I was careful not to make that same mistake, so whether I ever married again didn't matter to me. Each guy and each relationship are what I focused on. I dated the love of my life during those years but determined that not even he was the type of person I wanted to be married to, so we broke up before the 2-year mark. By establishing standards to live up to and by scrutinizing, I maintained my own power in my relationships.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


AKCStL2000 said:



How do I bring it up without scaring him away?

Click to expand...

*If you can get naked with a man, then you can certainly talk to him about long range plans and intentions.

If you can't, then you shouldn't be getting naked with him.


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## AKCStL2000 (Jun 28, 2020)

I did it! I asked him, and now we are officially engaged!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Congratz!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

AKCStL2000 said:


> Honestly, I don’t agree with that sentiment entirely. I think it’s different when you’ve been married before. I was married for 11 years and I lived with another guy for three years before that. I’ve dated a lot in the nearly thirty years I’ve been an adult.
> 
> We have spent a lot of weekends together at each other’s houses, and especicially now, since we can’t go anywhere, we’ve spent a lot of time together just living life. I really don’t think living together is going to reveal anything we don’t already know.
> 
> We’re adults with a lot of experience being adults.


Everybody is happy on weekends. Spending weekends together is like being on vacation. I think @Married but Happy is right about living together first - when you can see how things are when you tired, cranky, who will cook dinner, who will do laundry, who calls the plumber., who is leaving mess in tge kitchen, etc, etc. if you still good together in everyday life, that’s when you know.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Congratulations. Just saw uour post after I wrote my reply.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Everybody is happy on weekends. Spending weekends together is like being on vacation. I think @Married but Happy is right about living together first - when you can see how things are when you tired, cranky, who will cook dinner, who will do laundry, who calls the plumber., who is leaving mess in tge kitchen, etc, etc. if you still good together in everyday life, that’s when you know.


I dont agree, we didnt live together at all and few did till relatively recently in our history. There are far more divorces now, yet most people live together before marriage. More marriages end when the couple lived together first than those who didnt.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AKCStL2000 said:


> I did it! I asked him, and now we are officially engaged!


Congtatulations. Make sure you agree a date soon. I know so many people who get engaged and 5 or 10 years later they are still engaged. Its supposed to be a time when you prepare for marriage, not a permanent state of being.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'll only offer this.

Don't move in together ahead of getting married. 

This doesn't mean rush to get married but you need to keep your independence for your confidence and who you are today.

It will be easy for a man, any man who's self sufficient as he should be to be a good potential mate, to move in, stay a while, and depart anytime he wants while enjoying being cared for until he decides he'd rather have more freedom.

Then he'll find any reason, and take the easy road to split during any disagreements. 

30 minutes away is nothing. Period. 

You said what you wanted to say to him regarding M, and got back noncommittal.

He'll partially commit if he wants to cohabitate for a while but make no mistake he'll remain free in his mind and planning.

At this stage, and with kids involved, having a man show by his actions he's committed is what's best for you in this case a wedding.

Don't let him move in. Keep dating until he shows his intentions by action ie M, or inactions, then cut him loose.

This isn't me projecting, isn't me saying M before cohabitation always, or being prudish (those who know me here would agree on that) but saying:

In your circumstances you are confident, self sufficient, good mother, and good catch.
Keep those attributes always.

This man, many men at this stage in life, will take a move in w/o marriage so they can ride it while keeping their options open, and split easily.

That would hurt you and kids emotionally and financially.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

AKCStL2000 said:


> I did it! I asked him, and now we are officially engaged!


YAY for YOU!!!!! Congratulations!!! How sweet! 💜


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Wonderful! So glad you talked about it!


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Congratulations!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I knew within less than a week that I had found my future (second) husband and we talked about marriage within 2 or 3 weeks. One of my children and their now spouse talked about how many children they wanted after just a few dates. If you know you know.


Family said my demeanor changed when i met my wife. I had a house that looked like a single guy lived there. I started cleaning it in preparation and all other women ceases to exist in my eyes.

Met wife end of Aug 86, she moved in Nov/Dec...married May 97. 

First time i met her at the lake(I was a Park Ranger) and showed her where her parents were camped. Later that night i stopped by for chat, she left and I talked to her parents for a while. After i left, her dad told her mom, "That boy is going to be your son-in-law"

He was perceptive of the Divine hand that God had on the situation. Too many unexplainable things went into our meeting/marriage for chance. You could see God's hand it it. It was Divinely orchestrated.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> Family said my demeanor changed when i met my wife. I had a house that looked like a single guy lived there. I started cleaning it in preparation and all other women ceases to exist in my eyes.
> 
> Met wife end of Aug 86, she moved in Nov/Dec...married May 97.
> 
> ...


This is SO sweet!!! What a great story!

Although, I will say, I have several "divinely orchestrated" stories I could tell about meeting my two husbands - especially my second husband. I think I will still always treasure those stories, even though I won't be married to him anymore...the memories are still special...


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