# Forced To Accept the Other Woman and her child



## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

It’s been a little over a month since D-Day. The day I found out that my husband of almost 5 years and father of my three year old daughter, just might have fathered this 5 month old little girl that this woman contacted me in regards to.

Makes your stomach drop, just thinking about it, doesn’t it? If you’ve ever discovered that your husband, the one you have given your everything to, built a life for and around, fathered another woman’s child, you know what I mean. That child that was supposed to be my second child, his sperm was supposed to create only for me! I felt so robbed of my future. How could he do this to me? His wife, ten years younger than himself at the age of 22, wasn’t worthy enough to be thought about during an extramarital affair with a woman at the age of almost forty, and being 100lbs bigger than I, to even stop and think about birth control? I was so shocked to discover that the man I devoted my everything to had such lack of control. Buh.
Now that I’ve put my drowning emotions aside and have taken the forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding path, I am having trouble accepting the fact that this other woman is going to be in my life for quite some time. I know I need to forgive her, but in all honesty, I feel like I am just trying to accept her and this child into my life to “show” her that she is not worth a failed marriage, that she is not worth what she says she is to him. We had a few confrontations, where she popped off all sorts of lies about him having 9-10 orgasms per day by her, etc. She also decided to call us all sorts of names, like loser parents, white trash, etc. I love children, I feel I could love her child greatly—I already love his other child from a previous relationship. She is as innocent as I am, how could I not love her? But this woman is not. She knew my husband was mine. She knew us. She even confessed to me that she pursued him to great and desperate extent (I know my husband isn’t innocent either, please don’t bash me for being “blind”, I am not and know very well who is the one who should be held responsible for this act). I just don’t know how I could ever truly forgive her, rather than only wanting to flaunt that “I won” (even though there was really no competition, he ended the affair before she told him about the pregnancy and there was no doubt that he struggled with this guilt for quite some time). I need help on reasons why I should forgive this woman, in order to live my life happily with my “new” family.

Thank you for all opinions, thoughts, and concerns.

-ForcedToAccept


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Cut yourself some slack. It takes years (2-5) to fully be able to move past an affair. You've had a month.

Good luck.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

That's the thing, I'll never be moving "past it". It will require forgiveness to everyone in order to reach peace. I don't want unforgiveness to reside in my heart for years to come....I've already been unforgiving for the past five years due to a previous indiscretion. Time to release. But how, for this other woman? It seems an unreachable goal.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

this might not be useful, but at this stage your husband has three children and by three different mothers. Will they be more only time will tell


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

mupostori said:


> this might not be useful, but at this stage your husband has three children and by three different mothers. Will they be more only time will tell


Correct, Only time will tell, but then again only I truly _know_ this man. I don't forsee him having more children with any other women. I didn't feel the need to give a full story on what happened and why, because my only concern is forgiving the other woman in regards to this child that is possibly his. We are working on recovering as a couple in the correct way, and if we manage to do so, I don't expect him to cheat again. People will do what they expect you to do, and I've expected him to cheat again and again. Maybe changing my expectations in him will create a better future for us? But that's not the only thing--there's more to reconciliation and rebuilding. Forgiveness is the #1 key. But I didn't come here to talk about my relationship, I've made my decision there. The decision I need to make and make truthfully is to forgive this other womam who's child will forever be in our lives. I just need insights and encouragement on doing so.

Thanks for the concern.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

What is he doing to help you through this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are you even thinking about this when you don't even know for sure if it's your husbands kid??

You're married to a serial cheater, so whatever relationship advice you're getting I hope it includes advice from a lawyer and drawing up an escape plan.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dear Forced,

My heart goes out to you. You are 22 and in a very hurtful place. Time is a wonderful slave for many wounds, including those of infidelity. I would ask one thing of you. Please reconsider your screen name. Please understand you are not *forced* to do anything here. You don't owe this woman anything. Nor does you husband have a right to expect your acceptance of his love child or mistress.

Please see an attorney to understand what your legal situation is. If you feel you need to forgive these people, than by all means do so. Forgiveness doesn't mean acceptance. Think long and hard about whether continuing on in this relationship offers ANYTHING of value to you. I am not suggesting you go out and stone your husband and his mistress; but I am suggesting that remaining in this marriage might not be a positive thing for you or the children.

Good luck.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I saw your thread at the other website (LS) as well. 

Honestly, if it were me, I'd cut my losses and move on. You're so young. You don't have to stay with a man like this. And remember IF this is your husband's child (and that's a big if..you need a paternity test of the OW's child first), you'll have to deal with her for the rest of your married life. Do you really want to put yourself through that emotional turmoil? 
Finally, you're not forced to accept her or the child. You can move on without any contact with either of them. It's up to you. Cheap forgiveness isn't going to help you in the future. By cheap I mean you're doing all the heavy lifting and accepting. What is HE doing? Words are easy. Look at his actions. How will he protect you in the future from something like this again?


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. I understand that the situation might look....well how it looks and might even be. But I am choosing the forgiveness route. I know some may feel that cheating be the ultimate betrayal, and I thought so too, but now I realize that no mistake can outweigh the other. I have made many of them myself. Who am I to withhold forgiveness or acceptance when I myself need it? Anyway, to those who wonder what he's doing to stand in the storm of his recent mistake: For the past month and a half (since D-Day), I have come home from work with open arms, daily. The home is immaculately clean, dinner is always prepared. Before you ask, yes, he works full-time. I shower for an hour, sometimes two. Afterwards I sometimes crawl into bed (after our 3 year old is put to bed) and cry in his arms. Sometimes I'm in a better mood and we just silently watch TV. We've been to two therapy sessions, which he initiated and scheduled, both of which we've had the chance to connect more deeply on what the cause of our negative actions are, and how to correct them going forward so that we can experience what marriage is really about. He has had NC with the OW whatsoever. His transparency is just that...transparency. Honestly, I get the feeling that he was trying to "fix" us all on his own before I found out for myself, because he had similar behavior beforehand D-Day. My decision to stay is final. I am young, but I now know that "love" isn't just an emotion. Again, thank you all for your replies. Through this, I have come to terms that forgiveness isn't required to give to the OW. However, acceptance of her child will have to be--and I feel I've already conquered that.

Thank you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I agree with others... you need to give yourself time to fully understand what has happened and how it will effect your whole families future.

It can take years to get over an affair...you have had the double whammy of this baby. I do hope there will be a paternity test done. 

If baby and mom are going to be in your lives you will need to put strong boundaries in place to limit contact the mother has to you and your family and also to prove to you that your H is doing NC.

You're clearly a very loving and kind-hearted person to be so open to loving this child... don't let your kindness be abused. 

You must stand as a united family when dealing with her. She has no power... she needs to be reminded of this whenever necessary.

I wish you all the luck in the world... i really do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I saw your thread at the other website (LS) as well.
> 
> Honestly, if it were me, I'd cut my losses and move on. You're so young. You don't have to stay with a man like this. And remember IF this is your husband's child (and that's a big if..you need a paternity test of the OW's child first), you'll have to deal with her for the rest of your married life. Do you really want to put yourself through that emotional turmoil?
> Finally, you're not forced to accept her or the child. You can move on without any contact with either of them. It's up to you. Cheap forgiveness isn't going to help you in the future. By cheap I mean you're doing all the heavy lifting and accepting. What is HE doing? Words are easy. Look at his actions. How will he protect you in the future from something like this again?


:iagree:

A DNA is an absolute must.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

Unless you are in the Middle East, or the Arabian Peninsula you aren't forced to do anything. 

You are a free woman, and can pursue your life in the way you see fit. You only have to forgive this woman if she is repentant, and it sounds like she was/is saying things to harm you.

If you want to tolerate it and you can, then do so - if not you aren't forced to do anything, you can surely divorce your husband and likely get child and spousal support.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Just because you forgive her doesn't mean you have to like her. You forgive for the sake of the child and so you don't carry the resentment around inside you for the rest of you life. I have forgiven the OM, but I wouldn't shed a tear if a sinkhole opened up and swallowed him up right now.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

I think, if the DNA test comes back as H's child, much of your forgiveness will be dependent on the other woman. It may be hard to forgive if she is a constant PITA. It may be a tiny bit easier if she retracts her claws. I wish I could bottle some extra strength for you, you're going to need it.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

When my ex cheated on me, I had no problem forgiving the other woman. I was never even mad at her. How did I achieve this? I realized she was no one to me - she never promised me anything...she never owed me her loyalty or decency...just a stranger who never claimed to care about me or mine. It was my husband who had betrayed me. The other woman did nothing to me...well, it wasn't NICE of course...but I never had any reason to expect nice from her. She was no one to me. She could have been anybody. She was, more or less, irrelevant. Of course, that forced me to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the one who actually HAD owed me his loyalty and fidelity...my husband. Now my EX 

I wish you luck. You sound like a very nice person who is trying to do the right thing. You're put into a terrible position. You don't deserve any of this.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

Hey guys! It's been five years. Wow! Time sure does fly. So, a little catch up - we did NC with the OW and OC. We got news that OW passed suddenly due to stage 4 cancer and now we have custody of OC. It is a tough adjustment, but we are making due and my other children adore her. Eventually I will adopt her, we just haven't started the process yet. It is neat to see bonding between everyone. She looks like "us"


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

wow! I am so glad that your relationship worked out and that you are able to open your heart to the innocent little girl. She is the one who will benefit most greatly for your ability to forgive.
God bless

My MC said hating or withholding that forgiveness is like drinking poison everyday and expecting someone else to die. I have found this slant on things helps when I am finding forgiveness difficult...but you didnt need my advice-lol


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ForcedToAccept said:


> That's the thing, I'll never be moving "past it". It will require forgiveness to everyone in order to reach peace. I don't want unforgiveness to reside in my heart for years to come....I've already been unforgiving for the past five years due to a previous indiscretion. Time to release. But how, for this other woman? It seems an unreachable goal.


This is a sad story. You could do better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

After 2 affairs I really hope that he stays faithful now. Also not to see his other child(who was innocent in all this) for all these years was hardly being a good responsible dad. She must be devastated to lose the only parent she has ever known, poor little thing.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a horrible loss for this baby.

What I am about to say is not at ALL insinuating that you would do this but...I just must say it.

Please don't try to make her forget her mother. Don't keep her from her maternal grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins.

I know a young mom that did that. Married a guy whose very young wife had just died.

Out of what I at first chalked up to immaturity (now I believe it was a lot darker than that) she refused to the children's deceased moms pictures in the home, stopped allowing the loving grandparents to see them (imagine their devistation since the kids were what they had left of their late daughter), and literally pretends that she is their one and only mother, and will not tolerate any mention of their mom.

Please, please don't do that. Everyone should have enough love to go around. Just imagine if you suddenly died, if someone tried to make it like you never existed to your daughter...even though she was a lousy person for having a affair with your lovely husband, she still was this wee ones mommy.

Also, why in the world did your husband choose to not be in his daughters life? What is the age difference between you and your husband?


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

I would never ever let her forget her mother! I have been working on a scrap book filled with all of the pictures that I could find online. She also has pictures hanging on her bedroom wall that she brought with her. She has things that smell like her and things in her room that were her mom's. We talk about her alot because she literally passed 2 weeks ago. We had NC because her mother never came to a point in her life where she could peacefully co-parent. Many therapists recommend NC with the OW/OC as a vital key in saving a marriage rocked by situations like this... even if they are willing to be civil. She was not.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Five years... Wow. I dont now how you have had it in you to stay with such a man.... 

BUT i am happy that you have found some measure of peace and happiness out of all this. Know that at the rip young age that you were, and still the young age you are now that you could do better than him. HE BETTER MAKE THIS UP TO YOU FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

And somehow your god awful husband gets a pass in all this. Gross.

What's to stop this kids grandparents from adopting her? 

Sounds like you are saying this women was her primary caretaker and you husband was not in her life now that she is dead you and him are adopting her? How is this a good thing, she belongs with her mothers family, not some strange one who was not in her life.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

Have you guys read the guidelines section for this forum? Just checking 

I am a bit curious though, how is my "god awful" husband getting a "pass"? :scratchead:


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

Have you guys read the guidelines section for this forum? Just checking 

I am a bit curious though, how is my "god awful" husband getting a "pass"? :scratchhead:


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I dont see how the previous poster is violating any rules. People have been MUCH harsher and not gotten a reprimand... but that may be because moderation. 

She does bring up a point. Why is she the OC with you? 
If you were no contact for 5 years? Im not challenging you or your husbands situation to the degree of the previous poster. Just asking. 

I hope the best for all in this outcome. But I do agree... That i think a man who has a child with another woman and does not confess for nearly 5 months after the birth is "god awful"...but as to if he got a "pass" i have no idea how the last five years have been for you. I am the BS in my situation and Im sure I put my WH through hell. He has received NO passes what so ever. 

SO...anyway. Try not to internalize the negatives those write here.... A lot of people wont understand why you stood by him.... At 22 you had so much to offer. Still do. Under 30 YEARS old. That is why so many may call you out.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

sokillme said:


> What's to stop this kids grandparents from adopting her?
> ...
> Sounds like you are saying this women was her primary caretaker and you husband was not in her life now that she is dead you and him are adopting her? How is this a good thing, she belongs with her mothers family, not some strange one who was not in her life.


The only living grandmother she has lives several states away and did not know her nor had the desire to care for her. The only other grandparents she would have would be my husband's, yet his parents are no longer living either. There is no other family able to care for her. How is it that we are strange, yet she is thriving and happy? I understand it is hard to accept. I understand that more than most.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I thought as much since you said earlier in the post (years ago) that she was significantly older. maybe her parents (the grandparents) were quite old. 

Got to make the best of it for the family. But i imagine it is VERY hard. Harder still to have to nurture the memory of a woman who participated in wronging you so profoundly. I hope you continue with therapy if you find it helpful. 

I could not do what you are doing. i say that neither with distain or admiration. But I do think the path you walk is painful and will continue to be so.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> I dont see how the previous poster is violating any rules. People have been MUCH harsher and not gotten a reprimand... but that may be because moderation.
> 
> SO...anyway. Try not to internalize the negatives those write here.... A lot of people wont understand why you stood by him.... At 22 you had so much to offer. Still do. Under 30 YEARS old. That is why so many may call you out.


Thanks! I was referring to this posted on the Sticky thread for this specific forum: 



Chris H. said:


> The Coping With Infidelity forum is an area for both betrayed and wayward spouses to post about, and discuss the circumstances and very _powerful emotions surrounding infidelity_.
> 
> For those that choose to participate in or contribute to these discussions, it is very important to be aware of your own circumstances in relation to, or how they differ from others.
> 
> ...


It doesn't prove to be detrimental to my marriage anymore - comments as such - because I've received a lot of backlash for our decision over the years and have developed a thick layer. I just fear and am saddened for those who are newly in my position to come and read such discouraging and hate-filled words. I do consider our marriage successful and I'd like others to find comfort in knowing that they can make it, too, if they so choose. Our situation is unique, though, and I know that. :smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ForcedToAccept said:


> Thank you all for your replies. I understand that the situation might look....well how it looks and might even be. But I am choosing the forgiveness route. I know some may feel that cheating be the ultimate betrayal, and I thought so too, but now I realize that no mistake can outweigh the other. I have made many of them myself. Who am I to withhold forgiveness or acceptance when I myself need it? Anyway, to those who wonder what he's doing to stand in the storm of his recent mistake: For the past month and a half (since D-Day), I have come home from work with open arms, daily. The home is immaculately clean, dinner is always prepared. Before you ask, yes, he works full-time. I shower for an hour, sometimes two. Afterwards I sometimes crawl into bed (after our 3 year old is put to bed) and cry in his arms. Sometimes I'm in a better mood and we just silently watch TV. We've been to two therapy sessions, which he initiated and scheduled, both of which we've had the chance to connect more deeply on what the cause of our negative actions are, and how to correct them going forward so that we can experience what marriage is really about. He has had NC with the OW whatsoever. His transparency is just that...transparency. Honestly, I get the feeling that he was trying to "fix" us all on his own before I found out for myself, because he had similar behavior beforehand D-Day. My decision to stay is final. I am young, but I now know that "love" isn't just an emotion. Again, thank you all for your replies. Through this, I have come to terms that forgiveness isn't required to give to the OW. However, acceptance of her child will have to be--and I feel I've already conquered that.
> 
> Thank you.


Going the forgiveness route is noble and something you do for you. You can forgive him but you don't have to sacrifice your life to him. I would cut him loose, divorce him, allow him to be father to your kid but you have your whole life ahead of you, you sound loving (needy?) but at your age and only 5 years in, do yourself a favour and wait for a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Your H is a serial cheater and it is highly unlikely that you will change him. This is not the first time he has done this to you and he has now sired 3 kids from 3 different women. Stop being a martyr and move on, it may be painful now but it will be worth it in the end. Men like this are not worth crying tears over. Many on here will tell you this. Why should you accept the consequences of his actions, why?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ForcedToAccept said:


> Hey guys! It's been five years. Wow! Time sure does fly. So, a little catch up - we did NC with the OW and OC. We got news that OW passed suddenly due to stage 4 cancer and now we have custody of OC. It is a tough adjustment, but we are making due and my other children adore her. Eventually I will adopt her, we just haven't started the process yet. It is neat to see bonding between everyone. She looks like "us"


So glad it worked out for you, divine justice I guess but I hope your serial cheating H has learned his lesson and has bent over backwards in the last 5 years to make it up to you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ForcedToAccept said:


> Have you guys read the guidelines section for this forum? Just checking
> 
> I am a bit curious though, how is my "god awful" husband getting a "pass"? :scratchhead:


I am curious as to how you could ask this question at all, did you read your post of 5 years ago and all the times your WH cheated on you and sired kids from different women, pluzzzzzz! :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There are some people who, because they have "read some stuff", like to think they are experts on a wide range of topics:-

For example:- How police officers should deal with armed criminals, the correct way to raise children, how dogs should be trained, how to write a book, how to paint a house, how to tend to a lawn, how to make a suit of clothing, how to deal with a cheating spouse, etc.

Sometimes they are right, but sometimes they are wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> There are some people who, because they have "read some stuff", like to think they are experts on a wide range of topics:-
> 
> For example:- How police officers should deal with armed criminals, the correct way to raise children, how dogs should be trained, how to write a book, how to paint a house, how to tend to a lawn, how to make a suit of clothing, how to deal with a cheating spouse, etc.
> 
> Sometimes they are right, but sometimes they are wrong.


Absolutely. 

However, when a spouse has had 2 affairs, lied and deceived, didn't even bother to use birth control, exposed his wife to possible STD's etc, its fairly likely that in the future he will do the same. Especially because he has had no consequences and the marriage just carried on.

Forgiveness isn't the same as reconciliation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ForcedToAccept said:


> The only living grandmother she has lives several states away and did not know her nor had the desire to care for her. The only other grandparents she would have would be my husband's, yet his parents are no longer living either. There is no other family able to care for her. How is it that we are strange, yet she is thriving and happy? I understand it is hard to accept. I understand that more than most.


Its hard to believe that a 5 year old child whose only parent died 2 weeks ago can possibly be 'thriving and happy'. She must be devastated and so confused to be living with a family who she has never met. How sad that he didn't face up to his responsibilities and be a dad to her before now, so that she didn't have to go through what she is now, poor little thing. I hope at least he paid her mum a reasonable amount of money for her care.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Wish you and your family nothing but luck and happiness!


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Okay, guys maybe I need to re read, but he did not cheat and sire OC two times, 

One kid from a previous relationship. 
One kid from the this BS. 
And ONE kid from the OW. 

That is not 2 OC's. 

Correct me if i am wrong, but that is how I interpreted the earlier page.


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## ForcedToAccept (Apr 25, 2013)

threelittlestars said:


> Okay, guys maybe I need to re read, but he did not cheat and sire OC two times,
> 
> One kid from a previous relationship.
> One kid from the this BS.
> ...


Correct! Our step son is 14, I met him when he was 5. H had already been divorced 3 years. H and I had our daughter 2 yrs later. 3 years later OC was born. Now we have a mutual son who is 2.

By definition - a SERIAL cheater is one who goes into a "relationship" with another person with the INTENT to cheat or be disloyal. They also lack remorse. Both of those do not apply to my H. His earlier indiscretion was literally months into our relationship and we were both still in party mode (I was too prideful to admit my indiscretions at the time back then when this post was originally generated). I turned bitter and kept a "victim" mindset, and instead of looking to what could be fixed I honed in on his mistake. But I had made them as well. Nooo, not to the extent of he, you are correct. But with therapy and tons of self care we have reconciled. We wanted my stp-daughter to be in our lives from the start, but the OW wouldn't peacefully allow that. We actually feel pretty blessed to be where we are, now. 
And I came back to update in hopes that if there are others struggling with the same or similar situation that they may feel comfortable following up on my thread. :grin2:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ForcedToAccept said:


> Thanks! I was referring to this posted on the Sticky thread for this specific forum:
> 
> 
> 
> It doesn't prove to be detrimental to my marriage anymore - comments as such - because I've received a lot of backlash for our decision over the years and have developed a thick layer. I just fear and am saddened for those who are newly in my position to come and read such discouraging and hate-filled words. I do consider our marriage successful and I'd like others to find comfort in knowing that they can make it, too, if they so choose. Our situation is unique, though, and I know that. :smile2:


My post was not hate-filled it's honest, if we are not to evaluate people by their actions what are we supposed to evaluate them by? What your husband did is disgusting, but even still unless he has gone and gotten counseling and done the hard work he is still a great risk, at least in my mind. I hope I am wrong for yours and your children's sake.

That being said, even with having a stable marriage at present, the idea that being married to someone like that is a "good thing" or a "success story" is open to interpretation. Just because you can continue in a relationship doesn't mean it's a good choice to do so. Some of us are not here to encourage people to stay in a marriage when the person they are married to is immoral. Personally I think giving advice or encouragement to stay in such cases is the wrong advice to give.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Okay, confession.... I just about cheered when I read that you cheated too! AHAHAHA. hope he suffered. Anyway. Glad it worked out in the end, but somedays I want to stab the waywards with the same dose of their medicine.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ForcedToAccept said:


> I would never ever let her forget her mother! I have been working on a scrap book filled with all of the pictures that I could find online. She also has pictures hanging on her bedroom wall that she brought with her. She has things that smell like her and things in her room that were her mom's. We talk about her alot because she literally passed 2 weeks ago. We had NC because her mother never came to a point in her life where she could peacefully co-parent. Many therapists recommend NC with the OW/OC as a vital key in saving a marriage rocked by situations like this... even if they are willing to be civil. She was not.


What a wonderful loving woman you are.


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