# Lonely and confused



## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

What do you do when you are unhappy in your relationship, but you still love your spouse and they haven’t committed a truly awful offense (cheating, violence, etc)?

My husband and I have been together for 11 years (married 6 years this month). Looking back I can see the signs in the beginning that have led up to where we are today, but I guess hindsight is always 20/20. 

He is a very positive, energetic person and for the most part is not moody or negative. He does nice things for me like cooking, bringing me water/snack without me asking when I watching a movie. He takes great care of our animals – we do not have children. He’s always been a hard worker and takes great care of our home. He lets me enjoy my hobbies and spend time with my friends with out making a fuss. From the outside looking in he looks like the perfect husband. 

My big issue with him is that he can be very selfish. I also feel he doesn’t make an effort to maintain a connection with me, and that he spends way too much money. 

Looking back to the early days of our relationship I see where I made mistakes. I always went along with what he wanted to do. Now there are things I want to do, but he is unwilling to join me. I’ve come to accept that he doesn’t like to attend plays or go shopping (I’m fine doing these things alone), but he is also unwilling to go out to eat with me (doesn’t everyone have to eat), go to the movies and walk our dogs together. I find myself doing everything either alone or with friends. 

Our last 4 big vacations (we take at least one a year), he has made no effort to spend time with me on our trips. In foreign countries, he just disappears for hours doing his own thing while I try to find and track him down. Twice he’s left me stranded with no money and no way to get back on our cruise ship. Luckily we went with another couple and they were able to locate him on the ship. 

When I try to tell him how I feel he either dismisses me or says nothing at all. On our last vacation when I told him it hurt my feelings when he takes off he didn’t say anything so I ask him “do you have anything to say?” and his response was “no”.

We have never been great at communicating. Throughout our relationship I have tried to have serious conversations with him about concerns regarding our home, finances, relationship and his standard responses have always been don’t worry about it, you worry too much, it will work itself out, or you know I don’t like to talk about money. I think he just doesn’t like confrontation, and unfortunately life gets messy and there are issues I just can’t resolve on my own. 

There have also been some really big letdowns over the years that I just can’t seem to get past. I think the fact that we haven’t been able to talk them through and that many are repeated contributes to me hanging on to them.

When we bought our house, he refused to stop racing. Racing (motorcycle) cost almost 2k a month. At the time that was his entire paycheck. He informed me when our first mortgage payment came due that he could not help because he didn’t have the money (he needed it for racing and had maxed his credit card). I ended up having to take a cash advance out (I didn’t have enough on my own to pay our mortgage and all the bills by myself and most of my savings went to the down payment). He raced for 3 more months (until the cash advance ran out and I could no longer cover the mortgage)

I transferred all of his debt to my credit cards to help him improve his credit. A few years later when my credit card raised my interest rate he refused to transfer to one of his low interest cards stating “I don’t want to bring down my credit score”

The month after I transferred all of his debt to my credit card, he began racing. I later found out that he was charging the racing on his credit card that I had just paid off (I had transferred it to raise his credit score so that our home loan interest rate would be better). I ask him why he would do that and his response was “why are you trying to take away my dreams?”

He wouldn’t go with me to my grandmother’s funeral, because his dad broke up with his girlfriend and he (his dad) was depressed. He needed to spend time with him and cheer him up.

He bought a 50K car without talking to be first and a year later did the same thing (even though I ask that he never do that again). Now we had 2 very high car payment in addition to my car payment.

He sold our TV (which I paid for) after we had it for 1 year so he could by a slightly bigger (more expensive) TV. He turned around and sold the bigger TV for a smaller TV a year later
I had a test done when I found a lump in my chest and he never ask me the results. When I ask him a month later if he was curious as to what the results were and why he didn’t ask me about them he said he forgot.

He committed to spending the holiday’s with his Dad without discussing with me (we were financially strapped and couldn’t afford the trip). When I heard from his dad that we where spending Thanksgiving at his house, I confronted my husband and he said that he just hadn’t told his dad that we couldn’t make it yet, but that he was going to do it soon. Ultimately we ended up spending the holiday with his dad, but I ask him to never do that again. Well the following year he did it again and two weeks before Thanksgiving he told me we were going to his Dad’s after we had already made plans to stay locally and spend the holiday with my family. I put my foot down and refused to go, but he went anyway.

I recently found out that he has made plans to go to his Dad’s for Christmas. His mom will also be spending Christmas there. His brother is having a baby (first grand baby for his mom and dad) so I get that everyone wants to be there for Baby’s first Christmas. My issue is that I was the last to know (his Mom actually told me) yet everyone else knew and plans were set.

His spending is out of control. He always has to have the newest, latest and greatest, but unfortunately he doesn’t make the money to support this habit. We incurred so much debt that we ended up losing our house and filing bankruptcy. In an effort to avoid BK, I cut every expense possible. I started making our laundry soap, I started carpooling with a friend from work, I bought top ramen in bulk and took that for lunch everyday for 2 years, I worked tons of overtime, cut expenses, etc. but all that work only seemed to provide more money for him to spend.

When I started carpooling he agreed that if I ever needed a ride home that he would pick me up (we work 8 miles apart, but lived 60 miles from our jobs). About a year into it I got really sick and needed to go home. He got angry about having to pick me up. At first he said he couldn’t so I started looking for alternate rides home, but two hours later when I couldn’t find a ride he finally picked me up.


There are many, many other examples of selfishness and letdowns. Ultimately, I don’t feel like I can count on him or that he will be there for the big stuff when I need him. I feel terribly alone. 

For many years, I have been trying to fix everything by myself. I even left once for 5 days and when I came home he acted like nothing had happened. 

I have a desire to share my life with someone and I guess I feel like that isn’t happening. I feel like we are more roommates than anything and even then I think a roommate might be more present in my life. 

I am certain that his behaviors are not malicious and he is not trying to be hurtful. I think this may just be who he is. I have family members that are convinced he is narcissistic. Maybe to some degree that is true. He lives as though he is single with the all the benefits of marriage.

I’ve ask him to go to counseling, but he refuses. I will go by myself anyway. I keep wondering if there is something else I can be doing. Is there another way I can approach him so that he understands where I am coming from. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying to fix everything by myself for so long and I’ve just run out of ideas. My head knows that I should probably leave, but my heart breaks at the thought. I love him very much, but I need more out of a relationship. 

My cousin’s apartment will be empty for about 5 months and she has offered it to me. I’m considering using it for a trial separation so that I can take some time to figure out what my next step is. I’m really confused and worried that my marriage may not survive another year.


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## Houstonian (Jun 2, 2011)

MOVE! He's not going to change his behavior. You can change yourself and keep changing and changing but he won't. Move to the damn apartment and stop being so needy towards someone who doesn't love you. I heard somewhere that "whoever loves the other one less gets to hold all the power in the relationship." I understand you love him, and it's going to be hard. But he's just not that into you. There that's the simple truth. 

Now about the financial issues. Balanced budget. Call the credit card companies and thell them to cancel the card and you'll continue to make regular payments. Then write Equifax, Experian and TransUnion and freeze the credit reports (so no further credit cards can be taken out with ease). And then from there it's a simple BALANCED BUDGET, don't spend a single dollar more than what is earned. Trust me, you're not going to starve to death. 

Focus on minimalism. I would recommend getting on the Zen Habits newsletter zenhabits.net . Leo Babauta has written beautiful articles on how to do more with less, and find ways to stop wasting money on things you do not need. Check it out and GOOD LUCK!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why are you worried? Do you really want to be married to this guy forever...when It's obvious he won't change. He is offering not one ounce of support to you, and the sad part is your just letting him walk all over you.

Yes, he's selfish. He needs to grow up. 

I would be taking that apartment in an instant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Another vote for take the apartment. Taking a few months off might be good for perspective, especially for you to see his reaction as to what it might be like to lose you. Personally, I think that living like you have will make you feel alone and lacking self esteem for as long as you let it.

And while it must seem like you are in complete damage-control mode right now, try to find time and energy to do things just for you that don't involve him directly - exercising, friends, forgotten hobbies, etc. It is good for the soul and will give you a little time to enjoy life and take a break from thinking so much about something you can't control (your spouse).


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thanks to all for your advice.

I guess I'm worried about being alone, but when I sit and think about it I am already alone...so I guess that is an irrational fear. I also hate the idea that I may hurt him, but again I don't think he would be as concerned if roles were reversed.

It may have more to do with being comfortable. I know I will be okay on my own. I have a good job and make a good living. Since our bankruptcy I don't have debt other than my car and student loans. 

In the last couple of years, I have definitely built a life for myself without him. I joined a bowling league, I have a weekly movie night with friends, I take trips with friends, I started my orchid hobby and I joined a gym. Reconnecting with friends and doing things I enjoy has definitly given me the strenght to questions my relationship and if I'm getting what I need out of it. 

Unfortunately I am still in love with my husband and that is probably what holds me back the most. I just don't know if I'm prepared to handle the pain leaving is going to cause. I keep hoping that something will change, but at this point I'm fairly certain that isn't going to happen... and that makes me very sad. 

I know I'm all over the place... one minute I feel strong and the next I'm weak. Just trying to work it all out.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

lonely73 said:


> I keep hoping that something will change, but at this point I'm fairly certain that isn't going to happen... and that makes me very sad.


I find myself here in my marriage too.

You have started taking charge of your life, you've started questioning if this is what you want, and you're even considering a separation. Something tells me something is going to change, and it's going to be because you were strong and initiated the change when your husband wouldn't/couldn't. That doesn't seem weak at all to me. That seems like you are very much self-empowered.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I'm trying, but it's hard. Right now he is traveling. I love having the time to myself, but I find myself missing him. Then I question myself "Why do you miss him" and I can't really come up with a good reason. I don't usually hear from him when he travels, but he has called once and emailed once. I guess I miss the idea of who he could be. Ridiculous I know.

You are right though. I do feel like a change is definitely coming. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be on the otherside of it already.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

No, that is not ridiculous at all. I am going through something similar, though for me, it was more that I had deluded myself into thinking things were much better than they were... and I keep wanting to see my wife as I had envisioned versus what is really there. It was only when I questioned myself that I saw the sad truth.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You will hurt, and hurt a lot, but it could not be worse than having a H who takes advantage of his saving grace. After all your hard work, he threw his second and third chances in the trash. He has a sickness and it's called spoiled. I would stop all of his activities NOW. You had two fine cars and carpooling....He found a birdnest on the ground as my mother used to tell me. I feel for you, just know you are not alone.


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