# What Do People Do When They First Find Out?



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

I am wondering what is the best way to respond when you first find out?

Metta


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Expose.......Expose.......Expose. Make the fantasy become reality........EXPOSE.

Make sure to contact the husband of the other woman.

Tell family members ...... both sides


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Make sure whatever proof you have is copied, and kept in multiple places so it can't be found and destroyed by your spouse.

BTW, don't reveal your sources of info, and DON'T tell him you are sending proof to the OW husband. Just do it.
Also, have your game plan prepared if possible before hand -- see a lawyer, know your financials/custody/etc. plans before if you can so you can show him you are resolute in this.

Be prepared to have him blame YOU for everything and re-write your marital history.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Take a step back long enough to decide what you want going forward. Save the marriage or divorce.

Tell other betrayed spouse if there is one.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*THE 180:*

Going forward, these are the "rules of engagement". They are designed to rebuild YOURSELF, and not to have any effect upon your WS. However, the effect can be quite remarkable, in some cases. But, that's not the intent.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

1. do not confront without proof
2. if you have proof confront, have back up of proof
3. Tell all family friends, everyone who will listen, do not cover for the cheater, expose and expose even more
4. Tell AP wife/gf, expose to all their family and friends via social media etc
5. Do the 180, take time to decide what you want to do
6. If no reconciliation, go see a lawyer for your rights and file
7. If reconcile, the WS must write no contact letter, must give a timeline, must change jobs if the AP was from work
8. Get counselling, rely on your friends and family for support 
9. Consider how to tell the children, depending on their ages.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As is often the case in many things in life, the wisest and bestest things to do are rarely the most sexy or glamorous.

While it may seem sexy and exciting to confront the WS and exposing all if his/her evils to the world and envision them on their knees in the mud and rain begging for forgiveness and professing their "mistake".....

In most instances the wisest first moves are to seek competent legal and financial counsel to determine your actual legal and financial rights, entitlements and obligations. 

Even if you haven't decided whether to divorce or attempt reconciliation, your first step should be finding out actual facts of what your legal/financial/child custodial rights and responsibilities will actually be so your are not relying on rumor, myths, misconceptions or outright lies told to you by the WS (a common lie is that you won't see the kids and won't have any resources to pay legal fees)

That may not be as sexy as throwing pits and pans in a confrontation or of grinding the AP's face into the mud, but getting armed with legal facts and strategies is often the wisest first step so that you can make proper informed decisions and not be swayed or manipulated with misinformation.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> As is often the case in many things in life, the wisest and bestest things to do are rarely the most sexy or glamorous.
> 
> While it may seem sexy and exciting to confront the WS and exposing all if his/her evils to the world and envision them on their knees in the mud and rain begging for forgiveness and professing their "mistake".....
> 
> ...


Thank you, this was extremely useful. You're right, the 'fantasy' of confronting and exposing and revenge is strong. But one of the main reasons it's taken me so long to do anything about my sitch is my financial situation. I lost my job 3 months ago and don't have a lot of marketable skills and am also in an age bracket where it's very hard to get work. Supporting myself is going to be tricky. Fortunately there's no children. There will be no reconciliation. If someone is playing up in the first 4 years of marriage which is apparently a very happy one, or so it seems, then I don't see a future worth pursuing because the problem is not the marriage, the problem is a character flaw in the POS spouse, for which there is no remedy.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

aine said:


> 1. do not confront without proof
> 2. if you have proof confront, have back up of proof
> 3. Tell all family friends, everyone who will listen, do not cover for the cheater, expose and expose even more
> 4. Tell AP wife/gf, expose to all their family and friends via social media etc
> ...



Thank you, excellent concise steps.
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

TJW said:


> *THE 180:*
> 
> Going forward, these are the "rules of engagement". They are designed to rebuild YOURSELF, and not to have any effect upon your WS. However, the effect can be quite remarkable, in some cases. But, that's not the intent.



Thank you.
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> I recall that you have been asking about how to gather evidence, how to be sure your H is cheating. Did you get good solid evidence now? what do you have?


I requested he stop making the cash withdrawals on the basis of soon to be applying for a loan because the bank will see these and question them. So I said everything had to go on card. So the cash withdrawals have ceased but purchases at a local convenience store have increased. I have ascertained that he is not buying pre-paid credit cards (which could be the equivalent to cash) because the prepaid cards have a minimum purchase and his purchase is less than that. This starts to rule out the idea that he has returned to drugs. If he had been buying prepaid credit cards he could have been selling them to a dealer for less than they're worth. At Xmas time a prepaid paid credit card of a signifciant amount went 'missing' at work, he claims it was stolen. I have not believed it for a second. 

With the convenience store, the amount he is spending does, however, correlate with possibly buying prepaid phone card, as I cannot imagine that amount would be spent on junk food every two days. And it's definitely not fuel. So I am now leaning toward that he has a burner phone. This would also explain why he has these little errands over the weekend. They're not long enough to go see someone, and he always returns from the store with what he said he was getting, but certainly enough time to make phone calls. When he was courting me he liked to phone me several times a day, so it's consistent with his character. when he says he's visiting the hardware store 3 times in one day, that's suspicious. I used to time him and his timing was correct, but I'm now thinking it was an excuse to make calls. I still have no exact proof but am getting closer, I believe, which is why I started this new thread. I need to think clearly and make a plan. So far the answers have been awesome.
thank you
Metta


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Take a step back long enough to decide what you want going forward. Save the marriage or divorce.
> 
> Tell other betrayed spouse if there is one.


Thank you.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> Make sure whatever proof you have is copied, and kept in multiple places so it can't be found and destroyed by your spouse.
> 
> BTW, don't reveal your sources of info, and DON'T tell him you are sending proof to the OW husband. Just do it.
> Also, have your game plan prepared if possible before hand -- see a lawyer, know your financials/custody/etc. plans before if you can so you can show him you are resolute in this.
> ...


Thank you, some sound advice.
Metta


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

aine said:


> 1. do not confront without proof
> 2. if you have proof confront, have back up of proof
> 3. Tell all family friends, everyone who will listen, do not cover for the cheater, expose and expose even more
> 4. Tell AP wife/gf, expose to all their family and friends via social media etc
> ...


I'd add in a step 1.5 about gathering all financial information and hiding one's one valuables before any confrontation. Once the cat is out of the bag, important things may go missing.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Kick their ass out.
See a lawyer.
Serve them.
Anything after that, reconciliation or divorce, is up to you.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Miss Metta said:


> If someone is playing up in the first 4 years of marriage which is apparently a very happy one, or so it seems, then I don't see a future worth pursuing because the problem is not the marriage, the problem is a character flaw in the POS spouse, for which there is no remedy.


BINGO!!!!

You have hit the nail right square on the head.

Read what you wrote again, while it is a sad truth, you show much clarity.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> BINGO!!!!
> 
> You have hit the nail right square on the head.
> 
> Read what you wrote again, while it is a sad truth, you show much clarity.


I don't need to read it again. I've always felt that way and been firm about it. But sometimes the water is murky and you've got fish around and see whether you're pulling up weed (sometimes literally) or trout. If on the other hand it had been years down the track and we'd had problems or whatever, it might be salvageable. But a marriage of only a very few years with no problems and apparent happiness for both parties and someone plays up? Nope, there's no room for salvation, there. The BS should move on or they're in for a life of heartbreak.

However I get why you might be suggesting I do so. For reasons not made obvious in my posts, I've been slow to reach conviction or act and I think people here believe that I don't get it or what they're saying, or that I'm weak or something. I do get it. I've had reasons why I've had to be slow and cautious.

As it turns out, and you'll read it in another post, I think I may be wrong. Which is the reason I was being slow and cautious!

But thank you for noticing that I do, occasionally, have some brains 
Metta


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Miss Metta said:


> I don't need to read it again. I've always felt that way and been firm about it. But sometimes the water is murky and you've got fish around and see whether you're pulling up weed (sometimes literally) or trout. If on the other hand it had been years down the track and we'd had problems or whatever, it might be salvageable. But a marriage of only a very few years with no problems and apparent happiness for both parties and someone plays up? Nope, there's no room for salvation, there. The BS should move on or they're in for a life of heartbreak.
> 
> However I get why you might be suggesting I do so. For reasons not made obvious in my posts, I've been slow to reach conviction or act and I think people here believe that I don't get it or what they're saying, or that I'm weak or something. I do get it. I've had reasons why I've had to be slow and cautious.
> 
> ...


what do you think you may be wrong about?


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> what do you think you may be wrong about?



see my new thread. In short, he's not playing around. Lying and deceiving, yes, but OW? Not looking likely


----------



## SkyFive (Apr 4, 2019)

I disagree with some of these approaches. 


I would investigate _thouroughly_ first to determine the size and scope of the relationship.

Determine the possible motives of the relationship, analyze the problem from all angles for better understanding. Take a long hard and objective look at yourself as well.

Cool off.

Approach the spouse with the discovery and proof in a calm, cool but decisive manner. I believe it's important to be objective here, take ownership of your own shortcomings.

Determine if he/she is remorseful and if _we_ want to reconcile or if that is even a option. (I think too many people want to give up too easy)

Get your head around a divorce and living without your spouse. Be fully prepared to use that as a final solution.

Lay out your plans and conditions for whatever the solution may be. Be firm, not wishy washy like I once tried.

Lastly, I think too many people are obsessed with finding out every minute detail of the affair, some things are better not being known. It happened, you can't undo it. Don't sabotage your recovery plan with constant badgering for details, move past it.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Miss Metta said:


> I requested he stop making the cash withdrawals on the basis of soon to be applying for a loan because the bank will see these and question them. So I said everything had to go on card. So the cash withdrawals have ceased but purchases at a local convenience store have increased. I have ascertained that he is not buying pre-paid credit cards (which could be the equivalent to cash) because the prepaid cards have a minimum purchase and his purchase is less than that. This starts to rule out the idea that he has returned to drugs. If he had been buying prepaid credit cards he could have been selling them to a dealer for less than they're worth. At Xmas time a prepaid paid credit card of a signifciant amount went 'missing' at work, he claims it was stolen. I have not believed it for a second.
> 
> With the convenience store, the amount he is spending does, however, correlate with possibly buying prepaid phone card, as I cannot imagine that amount would be spent on junk food every two days. And it's definitely not fuel. So I am now leaning toward that he has a burner phone. This would also explain why he has these little errands over the weekend. They're not long enough to go see someone, and he always returns from the store with what he said he was getting, but certainly enough time to make phone calls. When he was courting me he liked to phone me several times a day, so it's consistent with his character. when he says he's visiting the hardware store 3 times in one day, that's suspicious. I used to time him and his timing was correct, but I'm now thinking it was an excuse to make calls. I still have no exact proof but am getting closer, I believe, which is why I started this new thread. I need to think clearly and make a plan. So far the answers have been awesome.
> thank you
> Metta


Buy a very small concealable recording device (can buy on Amazon, small ubs stick size). Sew into lining of his jacket that he uses when he goes for these little 'trips' to the store. You may be able to pick up one of his conversations.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One Eighty said:


> We need an emoji for "Head Firmly Placed in Sand."


An emoji for head in the sand is probably easier than an emoji for the blissful self delusion of the codependent enabler.


----------

