# Am I overreacting?



## BuffaloJerseyGirl

Okay, so this is going to be pretty long, but please bear with me because I don't know where else to go. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years now. Before we got married, I remember praying to God, asking if I was making the right decision and if for whatever reason we were not supposed to marry, He'd let me know. Looking back, I still don't see any signs that I wasn't supposed to marry my husband, but now I don't understand why I am with my spouse. We do have our good days (more good than bad), and there are still moments where he does something to surprise me. But in the 7 1/2 years that we have been married, it has been becoming increasingly more difficult to love him. He can be very demanding and mean when I do something to upset him. To give an example, tonight we got into it because he cooked dinner last night because I was involved in a project and did not clean up after. He said that if he cooked me dinner, why should he have to clean it up too? When I told him that I feel like his maid and that he just expects me to clean up after him, he got mad and told me that I was being ungrateful and lazy The rest is like all of our other fights: I'm being a b**** and am ungrateful for everything he does for me. He says that I don't listen to him and I feel like he's not listening to me. I feel like whatever I do, it's never good enough for him. Like I disappoint him constantly. And whenever I feel like I have a legitimate argument, he somehow turns it around so that I end up feeling like I did something wrong. When I apologize, his response is usually FU. When I suggest counseling to help us, he gets even more irate. He constantly belittles me about my weight and not working (I quit my job as a teacher 2 yrs ago because he got a job offer out of state. I have been trying to find another teaching job but all I can find at the moment is sporadic subbing). I have been told on more than one occasion that I am lazy, ungrateful, selfish, a b****, etc. Oh, and after all of that, he leaves (he's been gone about 5 hrs now).
Now, my sister is divorced and struggling to raise a child on her own and my parents recently got divorced because my mother cheated on my father. My best friend from high school is also getting divorced because she thinks she can do better without him. I've always been against divorce, but even more so in the past 2-3 years because of my friends and family treating marriage like it's disposable. 
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand why I'm in this marriage and I feel like my spirit is being broken. But I don't believe in divorce. And when I look at my family and friends all struggling (because they all have their issues, BELIEVE ME....it's like a daytime soap opera!), I feel like I don't have it as bad as them and that maybe I'm just overreacting. I just don't want to resent him 5, 10, 15 years from now. Any advice?


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## tacoma

BuffaloJerseyGirl said:


> ... I don't believe in divorce...


Trust me it does exist and it can be very useful.


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## PFTGuy

BuffaloJerseyGirl said:


> Okay, so this is going to be pretty long, but please bear with me because I don't know where else to go. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years now. Before we got married, I remember praying to God, asking if I was making the right decision and if for whatever reason we were not supposed to marry, He'd let me know. Looking back, I still don't see any signs that I wasn't supposed to marry my husband, but now I don't understand why I am with my spouse. We do have our good days (more good than bad), and there are still moments where he does something to surprise me. But in the 7 1/2 years that we have been married, it has been becoming increasingly more difficult to love him. He can be very demanding and mean when I do something to upset him. To give an example, tonight we got into it because he cooked dinner last night because I was involved in a project and did not clean up after. He said that if he cooked me dinner, why should he have to clean it up too? When I told him that I feel like his maid and that he just expects me to clean up after him, he got mad and told me that I was being ungrateful and lazy The rest is like all of our other fights: I'm being a b**** and am ungrateful for everything he does for me. He says that I don't listen to him and I feel like he's not listening to me. I feel like whatever I do, it's never good enough for him. Like I disappoint him constantly. And whenever I feel like I have a legitimate argument, he somehow turns it around so that I end up feeling like I did something wrong. When I apologize, his response is usually FU. When I suggest counseling to help us, he gets even more irate. He constantly belittles me about my weight and not working (I quit my job as a teacher 2 yrs ago because he got a job offer out of state. I have been trying to find another teaching job but all I can find at the moment is sporadic subbing). I have been told on more than one occasion that I am lazy, ungrateful, selfish, a b****, etc. Oh, and after all of that, he leaves (he's been gone about 5 hrs now).
> Now, my sister is divorced and struggling to raise a child on her own and my parents recently got divorced because my mother cheated on my father. My best friend from high school is also getting divorced because she thinks she can do better without him. I've always been against divorce, but even more so in the past 2-3 years because of my friends and family treating marriage like it's disposable.
> I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand why I'm in this marriage and I feel like my spirit is being broken. But I don't believe in divorce. And when I look at my family and friends all struggling (because they all have their issues, BELIEVE ME....it's like a daytime soap opera!), I feel like I don't have it as bad as them and that maybe I'm just overreacting. I just don't want to resent him 5, 10, 15 years from now. Any advice?


The contexts of your arguments sound typical to me...common marital areas of conflict. I wonder, how old are the two of you? 

1. One boundary that should be set: No abusive language should be tolerated. Feelings, perceptions, should be framed respectfully and with love.

2. Perceptions should be taken seriously. Identify what behaviors are expected, and work toward compromises.

3. Identify goals that you can both work toward. Partners need to feel like they are pulling together, not against each other.

4. If he won't try counseling, suggest some self-help marriage books to read together.

Hope that helps...


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## BuffaloJerseyGirl

We are both 30. We did a Pre-Engaged, Engaged Encounter through our college before we got married and learned "how to fight" , which is very similar to all the tips you just gave, but he seems to have thrown that all out the window recently. He was deployed to Iraq about 2 years ago and I have definitely seen a change in behavior since he got back. But without any type of outside help, I can't do anything. I'm trying to be patient with him and I try to do more for him to prove to him that I am not the lazy, ungrateful person that he thinks I am (I went through a bit of a depression last winter when we moved out of state because I was away from my family for the first time and unemployed. This contributed to me spending a lot of time moping around the house). It seems though, that the more I do for him, the more he just expects it. It's exhausting to feel like I'm giving and giving and giving to our marriage while he just takes and takes and takes. 
I also came from a previous relationship before we started dating where my ex was very controlling and I swore I wouldn't let it happen again, but I feel like it is. We talked a little last night and one of the things he said that stuck out to me was when I told him that I am independent and don't like to feel as though I'm being controlled, he said that I need to be controlled. That I'm wild and stubborn. I will admit that I am stubborn, but I still don't see why I "need to be controlled".


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## colorado

I don't know if my advice will help you but here goes. First of all I feel so bad for you because I can only imagine how this type of treatment can wear on a person and their soul. I don't want to make excuses for him but maybe do you think there is an underlying problem to his attitude and treatment towards you? Like ptsd (since he was recently deployed) depression bi polar etc. I know I faced some hard times with my husband and it came out to be a drug issue. I wonder if you sought getting counseling if that could give you and ideas on how to approach him without it turning into a fight. It may also help you get through the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with type of attitude all the time! Its amazing what actually talking to someone on a reacurring basis will do to help get some of this off of your back. I hope I helped and keep your head up!


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## gofish

I am sorry to hear what you're going through, BuffaloJerseyGirl. It can hurt so much when marriage doesn't go like we'd planned! Know that my prayers are with you!



> I wonder if you sought getting counseling if that could give you and ideas on how to approach him without it turning into a fight. It may also help you get through the emotional rollercoaster of dealing with type of attitude all the time! Its amazing what actually talking to someone on a reacurring basis will do to help get some of this off of your back.


I agree with colorado here. Speaking to a counselor on your own is better than trying to make it through this alone. If you don't know where to start, you could call one of the counselors at Focus on the Family, where I work, as they'll talk to you for free. They can also help you locate a good counselor in your area. In the meantime, you might want to check out some articles they offer on hurting marriages and military marriages.

I hope something here helps. It's possible to make it through difficult times in our marriages, but I know that doesn't mean it's easy. God bless!


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