# Update - "Wife of 13 years slept with my best friend"



## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello all, 
It's been a couple of months since i have been on here. I decided to take a break and focus on the R in my marriage. Everyone on TAM was so very supportive and very helpful. 

I found out about my wife's PA in march of this year....4 months later i am happy to report that we have never been better. We have long, meaningful conversations about everything, good and bad. I feel more in love with her now than i ever did.

She still works so very hard everyday to show me that she truly regrets what happened. 

I am obviously still cautious and aware of everything that's going on in our world and always watching for warning flags. 

For those of you going through fresh EA's or PA's....I hope the best for you....It can get better, you can cope and move forward without losing everything, but it is hard. Not all will, but most will. 

Stay strong and remember that you are the victim of a betrayal, but only you decide how long you are the victim...Forgiveness is not something that should be issued hastily, but it is necessary for true reconciliation.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thanks. I like happy endings, at least for now. Good luck!


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Hello all,
> It's been a couple of months since i have been on here. I decided to take a break and focus on the R in my marriage. Everyone on TAM was so very supportive and very helpful.
> 
> I found out about my wife's PA in march of this year....4 months later i am happy to report that we have never been better. We have long, meaningful conversations about everything, good and bad. I feel more in love with her now than i ever did.
> ...


Being able to actually R after that type of betrayal is near impossible. Not sure how you got to a point that you are able to respect her or feel respected but I certainly hope for your happiness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Being able to actually R after that type of betrayal is near impossible. Not sure how you got to a point that you are able to respect her or feel respected but I certainly hope for your happiness.


There are several instances on TAM where this type of recovery has happened.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What happened to the "friend"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Glad to her you are both doing well. 

Hopefully you have cut the friend out of your lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Glad to hear things are going well. I hope it keeps up. There might be rough spots ahead. Hopefully you can work through those as well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

LostViking said:


> What happened to the "friend"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering the same thing. Personally, I no longer have "friends". I've replaced them all with acquaintances.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

A friend of mine had his 5 year fiance do the same exact thing.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> A friend of mine had his 5 year fiance do the same exact thing.


Can't imagine getting back together after that level of personal betrayal by two people you trust. Just can't see it working in the long run. Hope it does, but don't see it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Being able to actually R after that type of betrayal is near impossible. Not sure how you got to a point that you are able to respect her or feel respected but I certainly hope for your happiness.


I can relate. There is a theory about inertia in regards to M and pre-marrital cohabitation. Kind of makes you dizzy when you read it but it is part of my clinical world. For some of us the inertia that is created in a M makes it harder to leave the M. Likewise, in studies related to inertia theory in couples that cohabitate prior to M find that those folks that are in bad or not so great relationships while cohabitating stay and end up getting M due to the inertia of the relationship, while it would really be best to bale out. Kind of like an object in motion tends to stay in motion.

When you are betrayed it rocks your world horribly. Some guys and gals bale out when they discover their spouse having an A. It is part of their wiring. They D and don't look back and they move forward. In some ways I wished I was wired that way. I just could not totally disconnect from my wife. Even when I started the process for D there was part of me that wanted the M to work. What I really wanted was my wife to tell me everything she had done. I thought I needed that for closure. What I got instead was a full confession, her coming clean, her repenting and her doing most of the heavy lifting. A complete reversal of what I expected and I got almost everything I wanted.

Things are better for me. I kind of turned the corner about a week ago in healing. Certainly not out of the woods yet but it was a big moment for me.

I am trying my best at R. I believe this time it is a true R. Our money is a little short this week and I had gotten some things to refinish and sell over the weekend (for free). My wife went into my wood shop this morning and started to work on refinishing these items to sell. For the past 3 weeks my wife has not been well, she had an MRI last week and it ruled out her having brain tumors (her doctors suspected this). She has nausea, vertigo, loud ringing in her one ear and has been exhausted, and here she is this morning till just over an hour ago, working her butt off, as she had to give up working on Fridays in the beauty salon due to her dizziness. 

All I am trying to say in a long winded, coffee induced rant, is that when the WS shows true remorse, does the heavy lifting and continues to do so, it makes R possible, no matter what they did. And let me tell you my wife did some nasty things to me.

So I do understand the OP and don't fault him at all. 

I do think if I was giving advice to another poster who's wife did the horrible things that my wife did to me, I would be recommending D. Only those of us in R can understand the reasons and even then we can't always articulate why.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP how much monitoring do you do?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> OP how much monitoring do you do?


Trust but verify you both have each others passwords right? It's ok to check every now and then.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Don't let your guard down. What has she done to prove to be remorseful? Monitor her phone and computer activities. Do you have VAR in the bedroom and in car?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> *I do think if I was giving advice to another poster who's wife did the horrible things that my wife did to me, I would be recommending D.* Only those of us in R can understand the reasons and even then we can't always articulate why.


I can say the same Thorburn. For that reason, I "try" to be more discriminating when recommending D, but when I do, I risk being thought of as a hypocrite by some, assuming they know my story.

But on the other hand, you can think of it like this; If BS's in R - like you, me, and others; suggest that D is the best course, they have to realize we're not over reacting.

OP, good for you on your R so far. Just be aware of the future pit falls and anticipate them - unexpected triggers, Dday anniversaries, imperfect demonstrations of remorse. Those are likely still ahead of you.

Wish you the best.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I can believe things have gotten better. They did in my relationship. Both spouses get a sense of exactly how much they can possibly lose and it puts the little crap into perspective.

Also, if the channels of communication are open, the petty resentments and pain that helped contribute to the attitudes which lead to cheating actually get addressed.

THOUGH...I am hoping you are communicating well.




weightlifter said:


> OP how much monitoring do you do?


But you should still be doing this. Regularly and NOT openly. When she's at the grocery, you should check the bedroom for a burner phone and put in a keylogger because frankly, you already outlined all the things that you will be checking.

So she will use unknown phones and unknown email addresses if she wants to cheat again.

My wife throws my crap into my face once in a while. I accept this. It's the price I pay for my actions. If you get caught in this, it's the price she pays too. She better understand that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I am one of those kinds of people who believe that cheating is a deal breaker and some of you will disagree with me but I will be the first person to respect someone who will forgive and try to work it out. It's hard enough to keep a marriage floating as it is being that life is all full of pot holes through no fault of your own, but when you say that life has never been better I don't understand because now you constantly have to keep one eye on your wife looking out for red flags so how can that be better? 

I promise you that I'm not knocking you and I'm happy that you can still keep your marriage and I hope you and your wife have many happy years together, but better than ever?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> I am one of those kinds of people who believe that cheating is a deal breaker and some of you will disagree with me but I will be the first person to respect someone who will forgive and try to work it out. It's hard enough to keep a marriage floating as it is being that life is all full of pot holes through no fault of your own, but when you say that life has never been better I don't understand because now you constantly have to keep one eye on your wife looking out for red flags so how can that be better?
> 
> I promise you that I'm not knocking you and I'm happy that you can still keep your marriage and *I hope you and your wife have many happy years together, but better than ever?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> Generally what this means is that the marriage was originally pretty crappy. Or maybe I am projecting.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Wow. You are a very forgiving person. I could never do it.

Congratulations, I hope things stay great for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When you receive a certain degree of forgiveness, its easy to forgive others.

After slapping the old lady around I figure I owe her one, but in the same breath this sh!t has to be dealt with as if life depended on it.

What I mean is that grace you showed your old lady can and never should be taken lightly by her.

And in my case vise visive!!!!!

The only thing that comes to mind here is "risk management". I mean the both of you need to see the risk and the consequences for taking such a risk. 

At the end of the day does your chick understand the kind of grace you have to offer?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Good lucks, OP.

R takes long. As someone said earlier, there might be tough spots on the way. You need to strike a right balance of trust and verficiation.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I know of a couple who were able to R for 3 years after the husband slept with one of his wife's "friend" (I use that term loosely). The details that came out once the H revealed the affair were enough to turn even my stomach.

However the couple grew apart and one day the W packed up all her things and all their children's things, moved in with her parents, and filed for a legal separation. And finally 1 year after that they were divorced. 

I hope things continue to progress for you and your wife. Good luck with it all.


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Thank you all for your input. I will try to address as many of the comments and questions in this one post. 

Some of you, maybe many, will not like some of what I say. 

The "friend" is long gone from the picture and knows better than to even come in our neighborhood...

I quit searching through her phones and emails and I barely look at the phone bill....I came to the realization that everytime I did all of this, I was regressing back to day one....at some point I realized it was no longer productive. I was a prisoner to my own fears and doubt of trusting again. I still am cognizant of warning signs and flags, but I refuse to be a slave to my wife's mistake and I refuse to continue to weigh down our marriage with suspicion. 

I made the choice to stay in the marriage after I learned of the A...and in doing so, I made the choice to accept what happened and move on...I am not rug sweeping...my wife made a terrible mistake that cut me deeply...but I refuse to surrender my happiness and I refuse to allow my children to pay for her mistake. Playing super spy detective is not my idea of a healthy happy marriage. 

My wife submitted to a moment of weakness to a bastard that was saying and doing all of this things I wasn't at the time and he was fully aware of the situation and used it to his advantage. 

I have made it VERY clear that if it ever happens again, it is no longer a "moment of weakness" it is a deliberate action and I will leave. She now has to carry her end of our deal and the fate of our marriage is in her hands in that regard. 

When I say that our marriage is better now more than ever is because we were growing in different directions, we didn't communicate very well and we had started to take each other for granted. Now we cherish every moment we have together. 

I know some of my thoughts and decisions will make people angry and/or confused, but I know what I need to do to heal....

I know I will have good days and bad and things will trigger me....but I decided that when I am in my worst place, I seek out my wife and hold her and tell her I love her....this is very therapeutic....I don't tell her what I am upset about (unless it's something new). Brow beating her over and over about the same things loses it's effectiveness rather quickly...what more can she say, what more can I say that hasn't been said a hundred times already. Instead, I tell her that i'm having a rough day (this is the code and she knows exactly what I mean) and I hold her...to me an affair makes no sense...so it makes perfect sense to do what seems so unnatural, which is to go to the person that caused me the pain and rely on her comfort to pick me up. 

We have very open discussions about the things that lead to the A and we BOTH continually talk about ensuring that we maintain the affair proof relationship as best as we can.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Thank you all for your input. I will try to address as many of the comments and questions in this one post.
> 
> Some of you, maybe many, will not like some of what I say.
> 
> ...


The key is to find YOUR path to happiness and peace and if this is the path you have chosen to get there - good luck and I hope it brings you to that good place....


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rand OmGuy said:


> Thank you all for your input. I will try to address as many of the comments and questions in this one post.
> 
> Some of you, maybe many, will not like some of what I say.
> 
> ...


Some time last year a person here on TAm challenged me about checking on my wife by saying, "Do you want to be a Warden the rest of your life"? No I didn't but things were not right and I knew it. In February 2013 I found out my wife was still cheating on me. I would say that this time it is different. My wife's attitude has been very positive and supportive (first time in years), she has come clean and shared with me (I believe) all the ways she used to contact the XOM. What I find myself doing from time to time is checking her emails and phone but I have not this much in the past two or three weeks. This crap still brings triggers but not as severe as even a month ago.

Each one of us in R finds our way forward in our own way. I remember last year from d-day Nov 2011 till early this year that many on TAM did not think my wife was doing things right. Hel* I didn't. I got private PM's, etc, and they were absolutely correct. My wfie was still fooling around. I am no longer getting those responses. It is ironic how we read words written in these posts and we can see things that perhaps the OP does not or maybe what they don't want to see.

THe OP here seems to be on the right track and I wish you the best.

One piece of advice I would offer. Watch her use of social networking. I would have a decussion on this. It is one thing to say that you would end the M if you found out your wife is fooling around again and it is quite another to set up good boundaries and limits on things that can open up a door. And often times it may seem innocent and there may be no intention of wrong doing. I would insist that all your accounts (yours and hers) are an open book that can be checked at anytime, to include phone, computer, emails, etc. And again, I would advise that it goes both ways, that even a year from now either one of you can say, can I see your phone? And you will know for sure that things are very good when there is no defensiveness on either of your parts when the answer is, "Here, no problem".


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Some time last year a person here on TAm challenged me about checking on my wife by saying, "Do you want to be a Warden the rest of your life"? No I didn't but things were not right and I knew it. In February 2013 I found out my wife was still cheating on me. I would say that this time it is different. My wife's attitude has been very positive and supportive (first time in years), she has come clean and shared with me (I believe) all the ways she used to contact the XOM. What I find myself doing from time to time is checking her emails and phone but I have not this much in the past two or three weeks. This crap still brings triggers but not as severe as even a month ago.
> 
> Each one of us in R finds our way forward in our own way. I remember last year from d-day Nov 2011 till early this year that many on TAM did not think my wife was doing things right. Hel* I didn't. I got private PM's, etc, and they were absolutely correct. My wfie was still fooling around. I am no longer getting those responses. It is ironic how we read words written in these posts and we can see things that perhaps the OP does not or maybe what they don't want to see.
> 
> ...


Thorburn....Thank you. You hit it right on the head....Everyone copes with loss, pain and betrayal differently and all heal at different rates...I have set boundries for both of us on Social networks and we both have a no denial policy if either of us want to look at the others phones or social media accounts.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The truth of the matter is a bomb landed squarely in your home and it was tossed there by your wife and friend.

So...I am undecided if you are actually rebuilding your house after having lost a couple walls and the roof, or if you are just rearranging the furniture so things look the same and saying that you always like eating _al fresco_.

In any event, from what your strategy sounds like, you are putting the entire success of the marriage on the wife. It now all comes down to her character and except for one ponderous statement of 'never again' (and I have doubts about that, btw), you aren't maintaining boundaries if she has another moment of weakness. In fact, you seem to resent the idea that you should have to doubt your wife.

So I am siding with the rearranging furniture. Now, if, as you state, this was only moment of weakness, then you'll still be okay. But as far as boundaries, affair proofing, or making her feel the uncertainty...nope. You aren't doing anything along those lines. It's all prayer and hope....and how good a woman you married.

Good luck


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

JCD said:


> The truth of the matter is a bomb landed squarely in your home and it was tossed there by your wife and friend.
> 
> So...I am undecided if you are actually rebuilding your house after having lost a couple walls and the roof, or if you are just rearranging the furniture so things look the same and saying that you always like eating _al fresco_.
> 
> ...


Your thoughts are valid and understandable...obviously it's hard to convey how she is day to day and who she is as a person on a thread in here.

I feel secure in her commitment, but only time will tell...


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Did you read "No more Mr.Nice Guy and Married mans sex life". I think you should read it.

Then its only four months into R, The things may change, feelings may change. if you feel anything bad address it head on, dont try to hide it worrying about what your wife will feel. The things which are left with out addressing lead to built up resentments and hatred.

Read the thread of S4E, It can give you some ideas about how he lived more than ten yrs in misery and what he is feeling now. 

R is a hard road, you only started it. Good luck


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did you read "No more Mr.Nice Guy and Married mans sex life". I think you should read it.
> 
> Then its only four months into R, The things may change, feelings may change. if you feel anything bad address it head on, dont try to hide it worrying about what your wife will feel. The things which are left with out addressing lead to built up resentments and hatred.
> 
> ...


Agreed...if you'll note, I wrote in a previous post that I won't brow beat my wife over the same thing over and over and I don't go deep into whats bothering me, UNLESS it's new.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. Outside views are very important to ensure I don't get lost in the sea of forgiveness. Right now I feel okay, but as I know and as most of you have reminded, it all can change quickly.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

As someone that's 3 years in R myself, I know its possible.

However, it's still relatively early in R and roughly at around the 6 month mark or so the resentment stage starts to raise its ugly head. This happens when you start to feel more secure with yourself and start realizing that in the end, it was the WS fault all along (as bad as the APs are, the WS is the one that lets it happen). 

There was a guy on her that waited 12 years post D-day before leaving. Its something you'll have to address one day. One benefit though is you don't worry about them cheating again because you will have no problem kicking them to the curb, hell you might even dare them to lol. 

It can suck, my life is great and all but if I had to do it again I would just walk. I made my choice and I'm sticking to it but I honestly can't say if I made the right choice for myself or not. 

Be careful what you wish for.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Glad you are feeling ok right now. Remember that even though you feel secure in her commitment now... You likely felt that way before she fvcked your best friend. 

I'm not trying to upset you 

Also, I am no counselor but I doubt it is healthy in the long run for you to not let her know what is bothering you just because you have already discussed it. She will sense that something is off and not know why. That is not healthy for her or you. There is a difference between discussing/informing and brow beating. Just food for thought. 

Good luck to you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Well all...its been about a year since I was on here (which at the time was 4 months from D-day)

I am happy to say that the wife and I are still together and the marriage is stronger and better every day.

I will say though, I had some tough times in the year. The worries and fears that she would do it again cropped up randomly and frequently, often without a trigger. About 6 months ago, the BASTARD former "friend" pulled up in front of our house while we were sitting on the porch with our neighbor (who is a retired cop). This was a bad day! I have a concealed weapons permit and almost always have my pistol on my side. When I saw him pull up in his new convertible muscle car with a big smile on his face, waving me over....I ****ing snapped. I reached to pull my gun out of my Blackhawk holster, it wouldn't come out. I looked down, and my neighbor had reached over and grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me pull out my gun. I was so pissed I had not even felt him grab my hand. 

I thank god everyday that my neighbor was there. I would have lost everything, including my freedom if I had shot him. 

The BASTARD got the message and left. Have not seen him again and word is, he moved out of town. 

Needless to say, this spun me into a dimension of hell and mental torment that felt like day 1 all over again. This took weeks to get past.

This incident caused me to regress a little and I felt more suspicious of everything my wife did. 

It has gotten better in the last couple of months though and I am pretty much back to where I was before the assh*le showed up. I can't believe the nerve of that P.O.S. 

Despite all of that, my wife and I are moving forward very well. We have not fallen back into any of the old non-communication habits and ruts of taking each other for granted. 

I have learned that the smallest thing at any point can change everything. I see reality a little better and am not quite so blindly optimistic. I am just worrying about today, today and will deal with what comes tomorrow. 

I hope she and I make it and I feel confident that we will, but if we don't...I can honestly look my kids in the eyes and say that I did everything that I could to make it work and I have no regrets


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Maybe your retired cop friend can pull a few strings and see POSOM can explain his broken tail light, why he failed to stop, etc etc


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, did anything ever happen to him? Maybe that would be the cherry on top.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I bet you scared the hell out of your fWW when you went for that gat.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Rand OmGuy said:


> the BASTARD former "friend" pulled up in front of our house while we were sitting on the porch with our neighbor (who is a retired cop). This was a bad day! I have a concealed weapons permit and almost always have my pistol on my side. When I saw him pull up in his new convertible muscle car with a big smile on his face, waving me over....I ****ing snapped. I reached to pull my gun out of my Blackhawk holster, it wouldn't come out. I looked down, and my neighbor had reached over and grabbed my hand and wouldn't let me pull out my gun. I was so pissed I had not even felt him grab my hand.
> 
> I thank god everyday that my neighbor was there. I would have lost everything, including my freedom if I had shot him.
> 
> The BASTARD got the message and left. Have not seen him again and word is, he moved out of town.


I just read all your threads (because never like to give opinions without having the full picture) and I have to ask.

do you think possible that maybe he was there trying stupidly to reconnect with you (maybe expecting that you would come and say nice ride), or are you 100% certain that he was there braging?

not that it matters regarding your reaction (whatever his intention was your reaction is more than understable), but myabe for not obssesing about his visit thinking that he was braging about scoring with your wife.

for what I remember his father lived close to your house so It could also be a coincidence and while seeing you he stupidly thought that maybe you were over it already.

I am not trying to make him look good (*** all OMs in the world), but maybe thinking that his reasons were not as despicable as it seems maybe could help you let go the OM factor to complete your healing


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Curious Rand, at the time the POS showed up, how did your wife handle the situation?


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

This is why I am going to eventually divorce. To me it is like having a car with a salvage title. It may be all shiny and pretty but when you open the door and see re-builders plate riveted to the door jam you know itm has been *&^%ed before. I am glad you have made it work for you. Your neighbor did you a great favor. The guy will be looking over his shoulder for a while.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

X-Betaman said:


> This is why I am going to eventually divorce. To me it is like having a car with a salvage title. It may be all shiny and pretty but when you open the door and see re-builders plate riveted to the door jam you know itm has been *&^%ed before.


or...
it could be like buying a newer used car(same color and all) just like the one you lost. The interior might be a little worn and the stering is a little lose, hell the paint job could be worse, but if it runs better and will last a while longer then your old one.

I guess at the end of the day we just have to look under the hood to see if its worth replacing or not....no body likes a leaky transmission
A few tings in the grill well then maybe but if its leaking all over the shop floor...well then!!!!!:rofl:


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## Rand OmGuy (Apr 1, 2013)

Hey all...I will try to answer everything in this reply...

first:
He wasn't there to brag, you'll see why I say that when you see the end of my post. 

His father did live close by, but has since moved to FL. 

Regardless, there are other ways about trying to reconnect (not that any of them would work either) but just showing up unannounced was unacceptable. I regressed to D-day the second I saw him. 

- My wife handled it the best way she could have. She understood why I was upset and apologized for causing all of this. It was hard to be affectionate and be the husband I normally am for a couple of days. She took the brunt of it and didn't complain or get upset...for that I am grateful. She was obviously worried about what would happen if I were ever to see him again and no one was there to stop me. 

As I have played this out in my mind over and over, I have realized that my reaction was mainly fueled by the lack of resolution on that side. My wife and I have talked and worked through this whole ordeal and I don't feel that there is anything unresolved between her and I. But there WAS a lot unresolved with the OM. 

Last week, I heard through some mutual friends that the OM had told them that he regretted what happened and that he missed our friendship. I called the OM. I asked him why he thought it would be okay to just show up at my house, un-invited. I told him that there was no longer a friendship to salvage. There was no reason for him to show up anywhere near my house anymore. He said he has moved to TN and he apologized for coming by, but he had been in the area and was hoping I would be willing to talk. 

It really isn't full closure for me, but it will have to do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rand OmGuy said:


> About 6 months ago, the BASTARD former "friend" pulled up in front of our house while we were sitting on the porch with our neighbor (who is a retired cop). This was a bad day! I have a concealed weapons permit and almost always have my pistol on my side. When I saw him pull up in his new convertible muscle car *with a big smile on his face, waving me over*....I ****ing snapped.


Did he have an explanation for ^this? Is he aware of how close he came to dying that day?


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