# Thoughts on something H said...male perspective



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So H and I had a discussion about his EA this morning.

He was been suffering from impotence and no libido for a couple of years due to SSRI's...been weaned off of them since mid December..unfortunately still no improvement as of yet.

This is very painful and humiliating for him..he used to always have a strong sex drive.

So he has been trying to figure out what drove him to his long distance EA...he said this morning that upon thinking about it that maybe he was trying to push me away by sabotoging our recovery by continuing his EA. He said what appealed to him about emailing her was he felt like a man because she was across the ocean thus he could online act like a man who didn't have those issues because there was never any contact between them so he didn't have to prove himself, he could pretend...where as with me he knew that I have been wanting to make love with him for many many months and it is humilating for him that he can't satisfy me, he said he can't give me what he should be giving me as his husband. Plus I have to admit not often but the odd time I would show my frustration at being unable to have sex with him.

This holds alot of merit for me because I do see how that could affect a man. He said that he doesn't even feel like a man due to having no sex drive at all.

So what I would like to know from all the fine gentlemen on here is make me understand from a guy's perspective how being unable to make love to your wife (or anyone for that matter) would affect you mentally....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how old is he, has he had his testosterone levels checked?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He is 50 and he has had it checked, it is fine...those SSRI's are what they call romance/marriage killers because they are brutal on your body. The doctor just told him to give it more time...it has been just over 4 months since he took the last pill.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I am not a fine gentleman (or a fine lady, come to think of it!), but I believe what your husband says...I can understand that 100%. My own husband has intimacy issues, and it's very difficult and humiliating for him to discuss...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

highwood said:


> He is 50 and he has had it checked, it is fine...those *SSRI's* are what they call romance/marriage killers because they are brutal on your body. The doctor just told him to give it more time...it has been just over 4 months since he took the last pill.


Same with us; they are very damaging. Patience; it's all I can stress, and for us, it's all that has worked.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

First, it is no excuse for what he did.

That said, even a temporary one-off erectile issue is terrifying and humiliating. It makes a man feel, well, emasculated.

The only thing that can possibly make it worse is when your partner expresses frustration, disappointment, or anger.

I think every guy has probably experienced failure at least once. It is not info that is normally shared or discussed between even the closest of friends, and the experience is NEVER forgotten.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Yeah. His storyline is very plausable.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I am not a fine gentleman (or a fine lady, come to think of it!), but I believe what your husband says...I can understand that 100%. My own husband has intimacy issues, and it's very difficult and humiliating for him to discuss...


I agree....I think what he says does hold alot of weight. I think it is easier to act like you are a man with strong sexual drives with someone that you know will never know that you are lying, due to them being an ocean away, whereas, with me in our bed..it is obvious that he has issues and cannot perform.

This has given me a better understanding from what he said of how humilating this has been for him thus it makes me understand perhaps why he was drawn to his long distance EA. He said with her online he felt like a man but with me he didn't because we both knew that he has no desire and he was unable to satisfy me sexually. I guess when you have a wife who is ready and willing anytime and you know you can't do anything about it, it has to affect you mentally.

Today was a breakthrough day for us in a way.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So guys I am curious why though is it so humilating? I guess being a woman I don't see why it would be that big of a deal..is it just because the perception that a real man should have a strong libido 100% of the time??


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Again, can't answer for the men, but my husband hid the fact that he was even having difficulty achieving Es. It always seemed to work (to me); but it's his penis, so he knows if it's working properly or not! Must be super humiliating to resort to hiding it; and super stressfull knowing you have a willing wife right there, who knows something is wrong.

How are you dealing with the EA side of things? I know you say you understand why, but does understanding why help you? Do you still want your husband sexually?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Wow this is hard to type but if it gives you some insight, here goes.

Several years ago I had a problem with sex. My sex drive was there but I could not "keep it up". After 2 yrs of doctors I was finally diagnoses with a prostate infection. As a result I have ED.

Before I was aware of the reason, the disease caused incredible tension in my marriage. My wife thought I did not love her. She accused me of cheating. We became very shut down at home - no communication about anything. And it goes without saying no sex for almost 2 years.

During this time I avoided sex because of what the doctors call performance anxiety. I want to. I tried to, but the fear of failure that was always in the back of my mind was powerful. I was not a man. I was terrified that my wife would look elsewhere. Just the mental aspect of what was happening drove me crazy.

Luckily I was finally diagnosed correctly and some very strong antibiotics stopped the infection, but the damage was done. I have ED and will have it the rest of my life. Thank goodness for chemistry. Now that the mental fears for both my wife and me are gone, things are close to normal.

So for me, yeah, his explanation sounds plausible.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> He is 50 and he has had it checked, it is fine...those SSRI's are what they call romance/marriage killers because they are brutal on your body. The doctor just told him to give it more time...it has been just over 4 months since he took the last pill.


I think men correlate their sexual performance with their overall well-being. I know that I feel terrible when I can't perform. Having had similar experience with SSRI as is your husband, I can understand feeling down. 

SSRI-induced difficulties make it seem as if I am lacking passion, and I'm ever afraid that my wife will think I don't find her attractive because I can't rise to the occasion. 

I'm 56, I took SSRIs from 50-53. Before SSRIs, I *NEVER* had any sexual issues, either performance or drive. 

I'm off SSRIs for over 2 years and am still having some issues, and the issues are sometimes overwhelming. Once the SSRIs were starting to work on my anxiety, I had all kinds of odd sexual problems which I only discovered because my marriage had lapsed into a sexless void and I was essentially "doing it myself" 4-5 times a week until week three of the SSRI. On SSRI, I couldn't even do it myself. I will say the SSRIs took the edge of of anxiety and other issues and helped me see clear enough to get myself out of a poisonous relationship. At least, for me, they probably saved my life. 

I'm in a new marriage. If my wife were not understanding, I could become horribly depressed, again. My big issue now is that I have a hard time "finishing." She has been most understanding (beyond the call of duty) and I have some very satisfying "up days," just not as frequent as before. 

In fact, I stress about it more than she does, and I can tell you, if she pressured me about it, I'd probably shrivel up and whither away. I am slowly learning that the journey IS (almost) as pleasurable as the destination, and that goal-oriented sex is a danger, at least for me. 

Despite her being understanding, she has, once or twice, subtly hinted that my lack of drive sometimes makes her feel undesired. My "lack of drive" probably stems from my continued inability to "finish" reliably. 

My performance is improving, slowly. I really don't think the medical community realizes how messed up these things can be for some people. The % of sexual side effects is underreported, IMHO. I did get a short-term prescription for levitra when I was on the SSRI, but that was a waste because sex with my ex wasn't happening no matter what. 

It is getting better, but I'm at the point where doctors say, "Well, you ARE 56" and since I'm no longer on the SSRI, they won't cover levitra. Sigh. 

I do know that men over a certain age have more need for direct physical stimulation (i.e, hands/mouth) to get and maintain erections, and are more distractible.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife thought I did not love her. .


yes, despite my understanding wife, she let it slip that she thought my difficulties were because I didn't find her attractive … 

This may be a self-feeding issue. Once there is pressure to perform, the performance becomes more difficult.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

if it helps paint a picture this whole thread makes me uncomfortable and defensive.

lol.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Again, can't answer for the men, but my husband hid the fact that he was even having difficulty achieving Es. It always seemed to work (to me); but it's his penis, so he knows if it's working properly or not! Must be super humiliating to resort to hiding it; and super stressfull knowing you have a willing wife right there, who knows something is wrong.
> 
> How are you dealing with the EA side of things? I know you say you understand why, but does understanding why help you? Do you still want your husband sexually?


I think I feel better about it after our discussion today.

I still do want him sexually..no desire to go looking anywhere else.

I said to him even after 24 years we still have some kind of chemistry between us...I used to think that after people have been together for a while it gets boring but I am finding that with us it didn't. I still feel sexually attracted to him very much so...these last number of months have been difficult because I desire him so much..I am just craving for that intimacy again. He used to come up behind me if I was in the kitchen and kind of grind himself against me..god how I long for those days..one of those things where at the time I didn't appreciate but now I would give anything to have it back when he was always touching and grabbing at me.

This is what keeps me with him..he is a good person, hard working, etc. Plus to me we have a bond that keeps us drawn together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For a guy, sexuality is very central to who we are. Without it, who or what would we be? Why would we do what we do? What would we look forward to? How are we supposed to act? Our relationship with half of the earth's population would have to be entirely redefined. A lion is a predator. That role forms the context for everything the lion does. If the lion could no longer hunt or eat meat, what sort of creature would it be and how would it relate to the rest of the animal kingdom?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This thread has been an eye opener for me, too. But at the same time, I am realizing that just like with everything else 'relationhship', my husband would prefer to just not bother with the sex part...ignore it, and the problem will go away. Literally, in this case!

This is the tough part for me; I like to work on things, he likes to ignore things. Of course it's easier for him to ignore sex if he's having E problems, rather than put himself out there and admit it to me (even though I already know)...I sometimes get the feeling that he longs to be 'too old' to do anything about it. He's 48. About 6 weeks ago, he confessed that he just doesn't feel like it (at all). He's still on 5 mg/day of Paxil...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> This thread has been an eye opener for me, too. But at the same time, I am realizing that just like with everything else 'relationhship', my husband would prefer to just not bother with the sex part...ignore it, and the problem will go away. Literally, in this case!
> 
> This is the tough part for me; I like to work on things, he likes to ignore things. Of course it's easier for him to ignore sex if he's having E problems, rather than put himself out there and admit it to me (even though I already know)...I sometimes get the feeling that he longs to be 'too old' to do anything about it. He's 48. About 6 weeks ago, he confessed that he just doesn't feel like it (at all). He's still on 5 mg/day of Paxil...


Yes, the part of not feeling like it at all...H could relate to that. He says it feels so wierd like he is different now since he has been on those pills...he says he can't even figure it out. 
He said why do doctors prescribe those things..I said because the culture we live in today everybody wants a quick fix and they are now just learning about all of these affects even after discontinuing the drugs.

We begin MC tomorrow so that is something he can discuss..I know it is uncomfortable for him but it is a male psychologist so that should help somewhat I think. It is something we definently have to bring up in counselling because it is affecting mine and his healing from his EA.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I really like what you wrote up above.


Thank you!


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> if it helps paint a picture this whole thread makes me uncomfortable and defensive.
> 
> lol.


Yep. I have the opposite problem, and I had to think carefully if I even wanted to discuss the subject.

Imagine the dreams where you find yourself naked at school,multiply the humiliation by 1,000,000 minimum, and it is REALLY HAPPENING, and that doesn't come close to what even a hint of what ED does to a guy.

Given a choice between death and castration, I would seriously lean towards death. That is how important sexuality is to me.

Guys just don't talk about this subject.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

highwood said:


> He is 50 and he has had it checked, it is fine...those SSRI's are what they call romance/marriage killers because they are brutal on your body. The doctor just told him to give it more time...it has been just over 4 months since he took the last pill.


I have to chime in on this. A man's T level can be anywhere from 241-847. But I've gone through this. Each man's testosterone level is different. Joe Smith's normal level might be 450 but Hank Aaron's normal level might be 725. So just because he fell in the "normal" range does not mean its normal for him. Just normal on the test. Additionally, I had to go through 3 doctors until I found one that addressed my issue correctly. The first two were able to get my testosterone level up into the normal range but I still felt like [email protected] It wasn't until I consulted with the third doctor that I found out most men do not feel "normal" with a testosterone level below 400. So if your husband tested at 325 he is technically in the normal range but may not be able to perform. I've been going through this for at least a dozen years so I unfortunately have experience.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Its everything to a man. Don't ever under estimate how important. Sure it varies from guy to guy but overall it's what defines us. The importance waines as we get older but there's a reason Viagra and Cialis are so popular. I think alot of husbands tell their wives that they have an ED problem but in reality they are no longer physically attracted to their wives. This is the big secret that women hate to hear and a cruel fact of nature.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

At my last physical exam, I declined to have a PSA for prostate cancer screening, because the treatment of prostate cancer carries a high risk of impotence and incontinence. Yeah, being unable to perform would definitely mess with my head.


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