# Wife had a affair and wants a divorce



## Kingbc21

Hello everyone, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make this short. My wife and I have been married 18yrs with three kiddos 18d 16s 10s. Last year I found out she had a affair. Needless to say I did not handle it well. I've been going to counseling ever week since then. She has not. Well last month she agreed to go to a 4day intensive. I paid the 4000 and a day before we were to go she decided it was too close to xmas. So I got upset again. The kids now about the affair and we're happy that we where going. So they were upset when we didn't go. So a week before Christmas she told me that she wants a divorce. Worst holiday ever. Soo my question is should I keep living there until the D. And do I keep paying her bill until the papers are signed. Ie cell, insurance etc. sorry for the novel and thanks for reading!


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## bandit.45

You cannot make a spouse stay in a marriage when they do not want to. Tell us the specifics of her affair. 

There is a good chance she is still in the affair and has just gotten better at hiding it. 

Or, given her lack of desire to reconcile the marriage, she probably has no remorse and has completely detached from you. Her affair was probably what we call an "exit affair". This didn't just happen. She was probably detaching from you long before her affair started and you did not notice. There is really nothing you can do. 

Let her go and file for divorce. Go hard. Get an aggressive attorney and fight for as much as you can get. Don't give her anything that she is not legally entitled to.


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## Marc878

You would continue to do everything you are doing now only if you are a total doormat.

If not you never leave the home. She's cheating she needs to move. Immediately separate all your finances, etc. she wants a divorce let her figure her end out.

Do you live in a no fault state? Does adultery matter??? If it does you need to get all your evidence together and if it were me I'd file for divorce under the grounds of adultery. Adultery means no alimony! You've been married for 18 years so it could be financially disaster oust for you. Get a real good attorney yesterday. You'll need it.

Did you do full exposure so everyone knows what's going on?


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## Kingbc21

I found out when here phone lit up the room when it went off. So I snatched it and found a picture she sent the guy. So I freaked out. Our two older kids heard us and found out about the affair that way. She is so mad and embarrassed the kids know. Our 10yr old doesn't though.


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## Kingbc21

Yes. Missouri is a no fault state


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## Kingbc21

I think adultry does factor in custody and alimony though


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## bandit.45

The percentage of alimony also depends on how long you have been married. She could gig you hard since it has been 18 years. Make sure you get as much hard evidence for your lawyer to use to prove adultery.


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## Kingbc21

18yrs. I do have proof of the affairs also


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## bandit.45

Then go see a lawyer next week. Do not wait any longer. 

Sometimes a cheating spouse wants their betrayed spouse to make all the moves because they do not want to be seen as the one who pulled the trigger on the marriage. 

Make sure that her parents, siblings, and yours know why you are divorcing her. Do not let your WW trash your reputation or make you out to be the villain. Ask her to move out. 

Do not...DO NOT... move out of your home! If you do, she can come back at you for abandonment. Stay where you are. She cheated, so she can go find her boyfriend and shack up with him. Tell her you will help her pack.


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## Corpuswife

I would stay in the home. Get yourself an attorney to know your rights and responsibilities. 

She needs to figure out where she wants to live. You stay put!

Sorry this is difficult but really you can't do anything with someone that doesn't want to stay.


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## JohnA

Do not run her down to the kids or others at this point. Just be factual. Some courts will count that against you in granting custody.


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## Kingbc21

Thank you. I'll stay for sure. That makes all the sense. It's just hard being in the same house. Horrible holidays. And tonight I'll be home with the kids while she's out. Tough


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## Kingbc21

Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?


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## bandit.45

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?


It can affect child custody. Get the police report and get it to the attorney. 

Does your WW have a drinking problem?


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## Kingbc21

Oh yes, she drinks a lot daily. I've picked her up plenty of times when she was too drunk to drive


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## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?


It can't hurt especially if she isn't going to AA or inpatient to dry up.
Put your phone on record or get a voice activated recorder when dealing with her so she can't claim you hit her or threatened her.


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## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?


It sure as hell cant hurt.


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## Kingbc21

Thank you for the ideas. I'll do the record thing for sure.


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## bandit.45

Alcoholism/substance abuse and adultery go hand in hand. Its all about the addictive personality. 

I think she is still in her affair. You can either ignore it and just divorce her or dig deeper and find out what is going on.


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## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> Oh yes, she drinks a lot daily. I've picked her up plenty of times when she was too drunk to drive


DOCUMENT and go for primary custody.


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## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> Oh yes, she drinks a lot daily. I've picked her up plenty of times when she was too drunk to drive


Stop doing anything for her. You need to study up on the 180 and put it into practice. Now!


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## Kingbc21

I'll look into 180. I'll do my best. I've been taking pictures and trying to keep records. I hate that it's come to this.


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## Marc878

Have you done full exposure on the affair?


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## bandit.45

You can do this too. It is called the 180. It will help you to detach from her and develop an emotional shield to protect you from whatever she does from this point onward. 

****************************************************


*The 180*

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## Kingbc21

My two teenagers know about it and are very upset as you'd expect. Our 10yr old does not know anything about it.


Marc878 said:


> Have you done full exposure on the affair?


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## Marc878

Understand one thing this affair is on her 100%. An affair is done knowingly and willingly. It is in no way a mistake.


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## Kingbc21

Thank you Bandit. That's awesome! I needed that!


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## azteca1986

Kingbc21 said:


> 18yrs. I do have proof of the affairs also


Keep copies off-site or in the cloud where she cannot get hold of them.



Kingbc21 said:


> Thank you. I'll stay for sure. That makes all the sense. It's just hard being in the same house. Horrible holidays. And tonight I'll be home with the kids while she's out. Tough


Really sorry for what you're going through. It will be tough. But make the most of your time with the kids. they'll remember and value the time you share for the rest of their lives. 

Document everything (her comings and goings) for when you meet with a lawyer. Two of your kids may be old enough to have a say with whom they live (depends on your state laws).


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## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Understand one thing thits affair is on her 100%. An affair is done knowingly and willingly. It is in no way a mistake.


 Thank you, your right. She of course blames it on me. That should have been my wake up call.


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## Kingbc21

azteca1986 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 18yrs. I do have proof of the affairs also
> 
> 
> 
> Keep copies off-site or in the cloud where she cannot get hold of them.
> 
> 
> 
> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you. I'll stay for sure. That makes all the sense. It's just hard being in the same house. Horrible holidays. And tonight I'll be home with the kids while she's out. Tough
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Really sorry for what you're going through. It will be tough. But make the most of your time with the kids. they'll remember and value the time you share for the rest of their lives.
> 
> Document everything (her comings and goings) for when you meet with a lawyer. Two of your kids may be old enough to have a say who they live with (depends on your state laws).
Click to expand...

 That's a great idea! In MO the teenagers do have a small say on where they would like to go.


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## Marc878

The truth is always best. It can fix a lot of things.

I would expose to friends, family, her and your parents, other mans wife, etc. I wouldn't tell her I'd just do it and let her deal with it.

Not sure what you are looking at doing long term but it will probably end the affair and knock her back to her senses. Get at least some closure for you.

She's responsible for the affair not you. You are responsible for how you deal with this.

You are in a crappy situation. Sorry

You will need some support from friends and family. Most have no idea what to do in a case like this but you'll get plenty of advice support here. 

Do not be some weak or timid. This is your family, life and future. You have a right to protect it.


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## tom67

Marc878 said:


> The truth is always best. It can fix a lot of things.
> 
> I would expose to friends, family, her and your parents, other mans wife, etc. I wouldn't tell her I'd just do it and let her deal with it.
> 
> Not sure what you are looking at doing long term but it will probably end the affair and knock her back to her senses. Get at least some closure for you.
> 
> She's responsible for the affair not you. You are responsible for how you deal with this.
> 
> You are in a crappy situation. Sorry
> 
> You will need some support from friends and family. Most have no idea what to do in a case like this but you'll get plenty of advice support here.
> 
> Do not be some weak or timid. This is your family, life and future. You have a right to orotect it.


This^^^


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> My two teenagers know about it and are very upset as you'd expect. Our 10yr old does not know anything about it.


What about the extended family? They need to be notified also.


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## Marc878

She will be PO'd but that will be her problem. She needs consequences for her actions at this time.

Remember this. Cheaters lie, hide and deny.

Nothing she tells you can be trusted.


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## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> The truth is always best. It can fix a lot of things.
> 
> I would expose to friends, family, her and your parents, other mans wife, etc. I wouldn't tell her I'd just do it and let her deal with it.
> 
> Not sure what you are looking at doing long term but it will probably end the affair and knock her back to her senses. Get at least some closure for you.
> 
> She's responsible for the affair not you. You are responsible for how you deal with this.
> 
> You are in a crappy situation. Sorry
> 
> You will need some support from friends and family. Most have no idea what to do in a case like this but you'll get plenty of advice support here.
> 
> Do not be some weak or timid. This is your family, life and future. You have a right to orotect it.


 After I paid the 4g for the intensive couple retreat and she decided not to go the day before, that was kind of my last straw and telling me she wants a D a week before xmas kinda sealed the deal. One sec I'm strong next I'm a weak babe.


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Thank you Bandit. That's awesome! I needed that!


Print the 180 out and keep it with you. Read it every morning and every night, or when you forget one of the list items. 

The thing about the 180, is that for it to be effective, you have to do all of it, not just selected parts. If you ever have questions just ask us.

In fact, don't make any moves until you consult your TAM family first.


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## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My two teenagers know about it and are very upset as you'd expect. Our 10yr old does not know anything about it.
> 
> 
> 
> What about the extended family? They need to be notified also.
Click to expand...

Her mothers knows and was upset and pissed. I haven't told any of my Fam. I'm so embarrassed too. I finally told a buddy and that helped. Then I told you guys and that feels great.


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> One sec I'm strong next I'm a weak babe.


Well...you cannot afford to be this way anymore. Understand? 

Being wishy washy is what has allowed her to run roughshod over you. She sees you as weak. 

You need to change that opinion she has of you...pronto. Do the 180, hit her with a divorce petition ASAP. Sit down, make a plan for yourself, and follow through.


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## GusPolinski

Back up any and all proof to a couple of locations in the Cloud.

Pay what you're legally obligated to pay, but nothing more.

With that in mind, find a good lawyer and listen to what he or she says, but feel free to come back here to ask questions about any of it.

Personally I'd advise staying in the house if for no other reason to protect your children from her behavior (i.e. DWI, etc).


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## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you Bandit. That's awesome! I needed that!
> 
> 
> 
> Print the 180 out and keep it with you. Read it every morning and every night, or when you forget one of the list items.
> 
> The thing about the 180, is that for it to be effective, you have to do all of it, not just selected parts. If you ever have questions just ask us.
> 
> In fact, don't make any moves until you consult your TAM family first.
Click to expand...

Thanks you, I will. I've just joined TAM and you all have been WONDERFULL.


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## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> Her mothers knows and was upset and pissed. I haven't told any of my Fam. I'm so embarrassed too. I finally told a buddy and that helped. Then I told you guys and that feels great.


If your work has been suffering it would be a good idea to let your boss know.


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Her mothers knows and was upset and pissed. I haven't told any of my Fam. I'm so embarrassed too. I finally told a buddy and that helped. Then I told you guys and that feels great.


Well, you need to get over the embarrassment too. You have not done anything wrong. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. 

Expose the truth to the light of day and it will grow like a vine in the sun. It will shade you when you are beaten down by the heat and will put forth food to feed you when you are hungry and weak. 

So sayeth Bandit....


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## Kingbc21

GusPolinski said:


> Back up any and all proof to a couple of locations in the Cloud.
> 
> Pay what you're legally obligated to pay, but nothing more.
> 
> With that in mind, find a good lawyer and listen to what he or she says, but feel free to come back here to ask questions about any of it.
> 
> Personally I'd advise staying in the house if for no other reason to protect your children from her behavior (i.e. DWI, etc).


 your right. I will stay and keep gathering proof.


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## bandit.45

Another reason to stay in the house is so she will not move her affair partner(s) in. You don't want to be talking to your kids one day and have one of them tell you about how "Uncle Bob" comes over and sleeps with mommy at night sometimes...

We have had that happen here with BSs more than I can count.

It is absolutely amazing how fast some waywards fall from grace. They go from being respectable, clean cut pillars of the community to immoral, wretched animals in a matter of weeks.


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## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Well...you cannot afford to be this way anymore. Understand?
> 
> Being wishy washy is what has allowed her to run roughshod over you. She sees you as weak.
> 
> You need to change that opinion she has of you...pronto. Do the 180, hit her with a divorce petition ASAP. Sit down, make a plan for yourself, and follow through.


You need to call 2 or 3 of the best family law attorneys in your area first thing on Monday.
That way after you get consults from them your w can't use them.


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## azteca1986

Marc878 said:


> I would expose to friends, family, her and your parents, other mans wife, etc. I wouldn't tell her I'd just do it and let her deal with it.
> 
> Not sure what you are looking at doing long term but it will probably end the affair and knock her back to her senses. Get at least some closure for you.


You know, ordinarily I'd agree with this. However he needs to think strategically. Every thing he does should be for his (and this children's) benefit. If they are going to D, he has to think and act clearly and without emotion.

If she's in an affair, it might be beneficial to keep her in an affair. Leverage the fact that she wants out.

The might be benefit to keep the threat of exposure in the background. 

You have proof and that will impact the terms of the D. 

Your Wife is now your adversary. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can. This is not a time to be nice.


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## Kingbc21

tom67 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Her mothers knows and was upset and pissed. I haven't told any of my Fam. I'm so embarrassed too. I finally told a buddy and that helped. Then I told you guys and that feels great.
> 
> 
> 
> If your work has been suffering it would be a good idea to let your boss know.
Click to expand...

I am self-employed, your right. My business has def suffered. Thank goodness I have good guys working with me. I've really let it affect my business.


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## Kingbc21

tom67 said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Well...you cannot afford to be this way anymore. Understand?
> 
> Being wishy washy is what has allowed her to run roughshod over you. She sees you as weak.
> 
> You need to change that opinion she has of you...pronto. Do the 180, hit her with a divorce petition ASAP. Sit down, make a plan for yourself, and follow through.
> 
> 
> 
> You need to call 2 or 3 of the best family law attorneys in your area first thing on Monday.
> That way after you get consults from them your w can't use them.
Click to expand...

Ohhh I like that!


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## azteca1986

Also, keep a Voice Activated Recorder on you from now on. Record your interactions religiously. You wouldn't be the first husband to be escorted out of the family home on trumped up domestic violence charges.

So be careful. For your sake and your children.


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## Kingbc21

azteca1986 said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I would expose to friends, family, her and your parents, other mans wife, etc. I wouldn't tell her I'd just do it and let her deal with it.
> 
> Not sure what you are looking at doing long term but it will probably end the affair and knock her back to her senses. Get at least some closure for you.
> 
> 
> 
> You know, ordinarily I'd agree with this. However he needs to think strategically. Every thing he does should be for his (and this children's) benefit. If they are going to D, he has to think and act clearly and without emotion.
> 
> If she's in an affair, it might be beneficial to keep her in an affair. Leverage the fact that she wants out.
> 
> The might be benefit to keep the threat of exposure in the background.
> 
> You have proof and that will impact the terms of the D.
> 
> Your Wife is now your adversary. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can. This is not a time to be nice.
Click to expand...

Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


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## Kingbc21

azteca1986 said:


> Also, keep a Voice Activated Recorder on you from now on. Record your interactions religiously. You wouldn't be the first husband to be escorted out of the family home on trumped up domestic violence charges.
> 
> So be careful. For your sake and your children.


I plan on doing that. Is that legal?


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## Popcorn2015

Kingbc21 said:


> Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


Your kids already know who the bad guy is.

They are going to love you regardless, but do you want them to respect you?


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## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


If you have the $$$ you go ahead and file and put her on the defensive.
You will be the bad guy no matter what.
Show your kids what a strong father is like.


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


No. YOU FILE. Take the initiative. 

So far you have let your WW steer this boat. Take the wheel and do what is best for your kids. Fight for them and fight for yourself. Step up!


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> I plan on doing that. Is that legal?


It cannot be upheld in court or used as evidence, but no one is going to arrest you for it. Even if it is against the law on the books, so is adultery in most states. No cop would waste his time going after you for it. 

The recording is something you can play for the cops if she ever calls them and tells them you have been beating her.


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## GusPolinski

Kingbc21 said:


> Another question is *since she brought up divorce, do I let her file?* She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


Noooooooooo!!!

If she files, she controls that conversation. Right off the bat, you're under the gun to respond within a certain period of time, plus she can cancel it on a whim.

Do yourself a HUGE favor and file ASAP.

If she says anything to the kids, simply tell them that she asked for the divorce, you just got the ball rolling.


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## Kingbc21

That's what I needed to hear!!!! I will go Monday and do it. The kiddos have all said they want to live with me. But I probably put them on the spot by asking them. I do most of the dinners a lot of the cleaning etc.. But I do need to grow a set.


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## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


First of all we get this is embarrassing but it shouldn't be this is on her. Your feelings are normal.

Yep, she will make you out the bad guy. Probably already has.

This is why IMO full exposure is important. It gets the truth out. Second, most, not all but once the dust settles there usually comes the question of reconciliation. It's early now it seems but you need control of the situation. The truth gets you the high ground.


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## azteca1986

Kingbc21 said:


> Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.


It's always in your best interests to file and then have her have to respond.

Don't tell her you're going to see a lawyer. You don't have to tell her what you're doing anymore. 



Kingbc21 said:


> I plan on doing that. Is that legal?


Check your state laws. You generally need one consenting adult to make a recording in your own home. It's not for a court of law. You can use your phone for now.

Finding out where you stand from a legal standpoint is your no.1 priority.


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## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Another question is since she brought up divorce, do I let her file? She spends her paycheck as fast as she gets it so I doubt she has the money too. Or do I file? Then I think she can make me out to be the bad guy and tell the kids I'm divorcing her.
> 
> 
> 
> First of all we get this is embarrassing but it shouldn't be this is on her. Your feelings are normal.
> 
> Yep, she will make you out the bad guy.
> 
> This is why IMO full exposure is important. It gets the truth out. Second, most, not all but once the dust settles there usually comes the question of reconciliation. It's early now it seems but you need control of the situation. The truth gets you the high ground.
Click to expand...

Your right. Or would be a lot easier if I had any control.


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## bandit.45

It's not about growing a set. You are probably a decent, average, hardworking guy who loves his wife and would have done anything for her. Problem is your WW has decided that she has outgrown being a wife and mother. She probably has friends telling her that she is missing out on life and that you are holding her back and that she could do so much better than you. It is happening everywhere, to men and women everywhere. Adultery is rampant and on the rise, and unfortunately you have a wife who fell prey to her own lies and the lies of others. 

Don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong...except be a bit too accommodating. Time to end that.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> It's not about growing a set. You are probably a decent, average, hardworking guy who loves his wife and would have done anything for her. Problem is your WW has decided that she has outgrown being a wife and mother. She probably has friends telling her that she is missing out on life and that you are holding her back and that she could do so much better than you. It is happening everywhere, to men and women everywhere. Adultery is rampant and on the rise, and unfortunately you have a wife who fell prey to her own lies and the lies of others.
> 
> Don't feel bad. You didn't do anything wrong...except be a bit too accommodating. Time to end that.


That's all I have done since we got married was work and go home. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids and now it's you worked too much early on and that's why I cheated. Damn if I do as they say


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> That's what I needed to hear!!!! I will go Monday and do it. The kiddos have all said they want to live with me. But I probably put them on the spot by asking them. I do most of the dinners a lot of the cleaning etc.. But I do need to grow a set.


Yes you do. Take control of your life. Now! How you handle this may define the rest of your life. You can do this. 

But you need to man up and stay there. No one is going to fix this for you. The Calvary isn't coming.


Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> That's all I have done since we got married was work and go home. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids and now it's you worked too much early on and that's why I cheated. Damn if I do as they say


Did she start cheating when she went to work? 

Can you give us an abridged rundown of the affair?


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I needed to hear!!!! I will go Monday and do it. The kiddos have all said they want to live with me. But I probably put them on the spot by asking them. I do most of the dinners a lot of the cleaning etc.. But I do need to grow a set.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes you do. Take control of your life. Now! How you handle this may define the rest of your life. You can do this.
> 
> But you need to man up and stay there. No one is going to fix this for you. The Calvary isn't coming.
> 
> 
> Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders:registered: Forums
Click to expand...

Thanks for the link. I'll get on that.


----------



## Marc878

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=Oxhs6GHuQ7A4LwoIzm7DO7QSad8-

Read it thoroughly


----------



## GusPolinski

Kingbc21 said:


> That's all I have done since we got married was work and go home. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids and now it's you worked too much early on and that's why I cheated. Damn if I do as they say


So how long has she been cheating?

How many affairs total?


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's all I have done since we got married was work and go home. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids and now it's you worked too much early on and that's why I cheated. Damn if I do as they say
> 
> 
> 
> Did she start cheating when she went to work?
> 
> Can you give us an abridged rundown of the affair?
Click to expand...

She was a stay at home for prob 8yrs then she got a part time job at a tearoom. THEN she got a full time advertising job two years ago and that's when her midlife crisis began. Totally changed. I'd say after her 3rd month on the job is when here affair started with a old coworker from her tearoom job.


----------



## Marc878

At this point you've worked hard taken care of the family and your entitled princess is going to rewrite history of how you made her have an affair.

She's way ahead of you. You have to catch up. 

This will twist and turn many times so be prepared for the long term. 

Many have been through this and will offer you some good advice. You need to get strong and stay there. At this time you are all your kids have as mommy is more concerned about the other man and having fun. 

Make no mistake. She is all about her and what she wants. You and your kids are nothing to her right now. That may and probably will change. 

understand that fully.


----------



## bandit.45

No, the affair with the co-worker started while she was working at the tea room. This affair has been going on for far longer than you suspect. That is why she is so disconnected. She is a good two or three years ahead of you on detachment. You are going to have to play catch-up now, and that is why the 180 is so important. It will help protect you from her anger and nastiness once the divorce gets going full swing.


----------



## Kingbc21

GusPolinski said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's all I have done since we got married was work and go home. I worked so she could stay at home with the kids and now it's you worked too much early on and that's why I cheated. Damn if I do as they say
> 
> 
> 
> So how long has she been cheating?
> 
> How many affairs total?
Click to expand...

One that I know of. She "says" she stopped contact but that doesn't mean anything


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> No, the affair with the co-worker started while she was working at the tea room. This affair has been going on for far longer than you suspect. That is why she is so disconnected. She is a good two or three years ahead of you on detachment. You are going to have to play catch-up now, and that is why the 180 is so important. It will help protect you from her anger and nastiness once the divorce gets going full swing.


 That does make sense. I've told her that she has a head start on pulling away and I'm just now starting.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> One that I know of. She "says" she stopped contact but that doesn't mean anything


No, it doesn't. If she has continued to be secretive, guarding her phone, staying late at work, disappearing at times without explanation, then you can bet the affair never ended, or she is seeing someone else.


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> She was a stay at home for prob 8yrs then she got a part time job at a tearoom. THEN she got a full time advertising job two years ago and that's when her midlife crisis began. *Totally changed. I'd say after her 3rd month on the job is when here affair started with a old coworker from her tearoom job*.


She doesn't want to go on the retreat because she's still with Mr Tearoom. Doesn't want to be unfaithful to him. I'd bet that it started before she started the full time job. It was just taken to another level once she was out of the house for a longer period of time each day.

File d. Have her served at work, so she can be humiliated. Separate your finance ASAP. Don't move out of house or the marital bed. Let her sleep in guess room or couch. Start to implement the 180, so you can detach. Also work on being the best version of yourself. Become busy with your life. You don't want to make her cheating easy. Let her finance her wh0ring on the money that's left over after she pays her share of household bills. Don't stay at home baby sitting either.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> That does make sense. I've told her that she has a head start on pulling away and I'm just now starting.


Thing is, now you are going to have to start thinking two or three steps ahead of her, and not let up until that divorce decree is signed. 

I'm sorry this is happening to you brother. You are now a card carrying member of the *The Club That No One Wants to Belong To*.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> At this point you've worked hard taken care of the family and your entitled princess is going to rewrite history of how you made her have an affair.
> 
> She's way ahead of you. You have to catch up.
> 
> This will twist and turn many times so be prepared for the long term.
> 
> Many have been through this and will offer you some good advice. You need to get strong and stay there. At this time you are all your kids have as mommy is more concerned about the other man and having fun.
> 
> Make no mistake. She is all about her and what she wants. You and your kids are nothing to her right now. That may and probably will change.
> 
> understand that fully.


omg! Your right. I've though many of times that she rewriting history!! She is def all about her. She pays her car payment and that's it. She brings home bag after bag of new crap daily. A good example is when she called and told me her check bounced for her DWI attorney so I gave her the 500 and that day when she got home she had bags of new clothes. I'm a dummy!!


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> omg! Your right. I've though many of times that she rewriting history!! She is def all about her. She pays her car payment and that's it. She brings home bag after bag of new crap daily. A good example is when she called and told me her check bounced for her DWI attorney so I gave her the 500 and that day when she got home she had bags of new clothes. I'm a dummy!!


You are not a dummy!!!! You are a decent responsible person. 

She has taken advantage of you is all.

Now you know to protect yourself. Get those finances split as soon as possible. She gets no more access to your money. None.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That does make sense. I've told her that she has a head start on pulling away and I'm just now starting.
> 
> 
> 
> Thing is, now you are going to have to start thinking two or three steps ahead of her, and not let up until that divorce decree is signed.
> 
> I'm sorry this is happening to you brother. You are now a card carrying member of the *The Club That No One Wants to Belong To*.
Click to expand...

I don't like that club one bit, ha!! Let the games begin as they say.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> omg! Your right. I've though many of times that she rewriting history!! She is def all about her. She pays her car payment and that's it. She brings home bag after bag of new crap daily. A good example is when she called and told me her check bounced for her DWI attorney so I gave her the 500 and that day when she got home she had bags of new clothes. I'm a dummy!!
> 
> 
> 
> You are not a dummy!!!! You are a decent responsible person.
> 
> She has taken advantage of you is all.
> 
> Now you know to protect yourself. Get those finances split as soon as possible. She gets no more access to your money. None.
Click to expand...

I did get a separate acct thank goodness. I can't even leave my wallet on the counter anymore. Sad sad world


----------



## Popcorn2015

Kingbc21 said:


> That does make sense. I've told her that she has a head start on pulling away and I'm just now starting.


Why are you discussing your feelings with her?


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> She was a stay at home for prob 8yrs then she got a part time job at a tearoom. THEN she got a full time advertising job two years ago and that's when her midlife crisis began. *Totally changed. I'd say after her 3rd month on the job is when here affair started with a old coworker from her tearoom job*.
> 
> 
> 
> She doesn't want to go on the retreat because she's still with Mr Tearoom. Doesn't want to be unfaithful to him. I'd bet that it started before she started the full time job. It was just taken to another level once she was out of the house for a longer period of time each day.
> 
> File d. Have her served at work, so she can be humiliated. Separate your finance ASAP. Don't move out of house or the marital bed. Let her sleep in guess room or couch. Start to implement the 180, so you can detach. Also work on being the best version of yourself. Become busy with your life. You don't want to make her cheating easy. Let her finance her wh0ring on the money that's left over after she pays her share of household bills. Don't stay at home baby sitting either.
Click to expand...

Your right on the 180. I've kind of started that in a way. I've been taking BJJ classes for several months to get out and meet people(which I need to do badly) and of course she made fun of me that I was doing something like that.


----------



## Kingbc21

Popcorn2015 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That does make sense. I've told her that she has a head start on pulling away and I'm just now starting.
> 
> 
> 
> Why are you discussing your feelings with her?
Click to expand...

I've stopped doing that. I know she thinks I'm weak and in her words need to grow some balls so now I don't say anything.


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> omg! Your right. I've though many of times that she rewriting history!! She is def all about her. She pays her car payment and that's it. She brings home bag after bag of new crap daily. A good example is when she called and told me her check bounced for her DWI attorney so I gave her the 500 and that day when she got home she had bags of new clothes. I'm a dummy!!


Cut that sh!t out immediately!!!!

Those new clothes are for her lover, probably lingerie too.

Cheaters will cut sex out with their spouse because they don't want to cheat on their affair partner. You see now how sick her mind is, right.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> omg! Your right. I've though many of times that she rewriting history!! She is def all about her. She pays her car payment and that's it. She brings home bag after bag of new crap daily. A good example is when she called and told me her check bounced for her DWI attorney so I gave her the 500 and that day when she got home she had bags of new clothes. I'm a dummy!!
> 
> 
> 
> Cut that sh!t out immediately!!!!
> 
> Those new clothes are for her lover, probably lingerie too.
> 
> Cheaters will cut sex out with their spouse because they don't want to cheat on their affair partner. You see now how sick her mind is, right.
Click to expand...

Yes I def see it. I haven't given her a dime in months.


----------



## bandit.45

King now is the time that you need to start rewiring your mindset. Understand that, for all intents and purposes, your marriage ended years ago. This divorce is just a legal formality. 

After your WW is served the divorce petition, make it clear to her that the marital relationship is over. Consequently, your job as her caretaker and support system is also over. All those marital privileges she enjoyed with you are over....finito. No more answering her calls of distress when her car breaks down on the highway. If the kids are not with her, tell her she is on her own. Tell her to call tea-boy. No more fixing her car, no more cooking for her, no more gifts, no more dates, no more birthdays, no more scratching her back when she itches. 

And no more sex!!! 

Only do what you need to do to work with her to take care of the kids. If the activity is not oriented around your kids, or the basic upkeep of the household, you don't lift a finger. Live for yourself and the children. 

You are not her friend, you are not her buddy, you are no longer her confidant or shelter from the storm. Do the 180 in earnest. Treat her like a piece of furniture.


----------



## Marc878

If you've had sex with her after the other man I'd get an std check. You have no idea where he's been.

Send her the bill. She's needs to pay for it.


----------



## Kingbc21

And one more question that I need input on is if I should tell the kids I'm filing for divorce. They def know somethings up since it's so toxic at home. Would it give them so relief something is being done or do more damage?


----------



## Marc878

bandit.45 said:


> King now is the time that you need to start rewiring your mindset. Understand that, for all intents and purposes, your marriage ended years ago. This divorce is just a legal formality.
> 
> After your WW is served the divorce petition, make it clear to her that the marital relationship is over. Consequently, your job as her caretaker and support system is also over. All those marital privileges she enjoyed with you are over....finito. No more answering her calls of distress when her car breaks down on the highway. If the kids are not with her, tell her she is on her own. Tell her to call tea-boy. No more fixing her car, no more cooking for her, no more gifts, no more dates, no more birthdays, no more scratching her back when she itches.
> 
> And no more sex!!!
> 
> Only do what you need to do to work with her to take care of the kids. If the activity is not oriented around your kids, or the basic upkeep of the household, you don't lift a finger. Live for yourself and the children.
> 
> You are not her friend, you are not her buddy, you are no longer her confidant or shelter from the storm. Do the 180 in earnest. Treat her like a piece of furniture.


Excellent advice!!!! You would be smart to follow it.

Good luck to you


----------



## bandit.45

Do not tell ANYONE you are filing!!! The kids will squeal. Let it be a surprise to her.


----------



## JohnA

Hi, others have told you and it can not be empathize enough. Stay in th home. Do the 180' read bandits post here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-does-not-know-if-she-wants-stay-married.html

Be factual but netural in discussing your WS choices with your children. For example: your mother has chosen to share herself physically with other men and commit adultery. Our life's will change, not because you or I want it to, but because she has chosen to force us to. 

Here is a link to common http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html and general advise http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

For god sake see a lawyer. Need solid info to make decisions going foward.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> King now is the time that you need to start rewiring your mindset. Understand that, for all intents and purposes, your marriage ended years ago. This divorce is just a legal formality.
> 
> After your WW is served the divorce petition, make it clear to her that the marital relationship is over. Consequently, your job as her caretaker and support system is also over. All those marital privileges she enjoyed with you are over....finito. No more answering her calls of distress when her car breaks down on the highway. If the kids are not with her, tell her she is on her own. Tell her to call tea-boy. No more fixing her car, no more cooking for her, no more gifts, no more dates, no more birthdays, no more scratching her back when she itches.
> 
> And no more sex!!!
> 
> Only do what you need to do to work with her to take care of the kids. If the activity is not oriented around your kids, or the basic upkeep of the household, you don't lift a finger. Live for yourself and the children.
> 
> You are not her friend, you are not her buddy, you are no longer her confidant or shelter from the storm. Do the 180 in earnest. Treat her like a piece of furniture.


well said! That's been the hardest part( rewriring my brain) I finally for the most part see her for what she is instead of a goddess.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> I've stopped doing that. *I know she thinks I'm weak and in her words need to grow some balls so now I don't say anything.*


Ffssshhhhh...well fvck that! 

She actually mocks you? to your face? In front of the kids?

Dude...why have you put up with this garbage?


----------



## Kingbc21

JohnA said:


> Hi, others have told you and it can not be empathize enough. Stay in th home. Do the 180' read bandits post here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-does-not-know-if-she-wants-stay-married.html
> 
> Be factual but netural in discussing your WS choices with your children. For example: your mother has chosen to share herself physically with other men and commit adultery. Our life's will change, not because you or I want it to, but because she has chosen to force us to.
> 
> Here is a link to common http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html and general advise http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> For god sake see a lawyer. Need solid info to make decisions going foward.


Thank you John, I'll get those. I will see a lawyer Monday morn. The oldest two know about the affair and the youngest doesn't. He's the one I'm worried finding out about it.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> well said! That's been the hardest part( rewriring my brain) I finally for the most part see her for what she is instead of a goddess.


Kick that fvcking marble pedestal out from under her.


----------



## bandit.45

There is not a single living woman on this planet who is worth your self respect. Not one.


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> And one more question that I need input on is if I should tell the kids I'm filing for divorce. They def know somethings up since it's so toxic at home. Would it give them so relief something is being done or do more damage?


IMO if your are sure and going that route, yes. 

Why? They are old enough and kids are funny they may be blaming themselves for what's going on even though they are completely innocent. Take a lot of time and get some professional input as to how though.

I would tell them the truth as well. She needs to own up and help with this but don't count on it.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I've stopped doing that. *I know she thinks I'm weak and in her words need to grow some balls so now I don't say anything.*
> 
> 
> 
> Ffssshhhhh...well fvck that!
> 
> She actually mocks you? to your face? In front of the kids?
> 
> Dude...why have you put up with this garbage?
Click to expand...

Not in front of the kids but she said that when I told her the kids wanted to go with me. I threw a dagger and it stuck and vice versa. After that argument is when I said f that.


----------



## Marc878

JohnA said:


> Hi, others have told you and it can not be empathize enough. Stay in th home. Do the 180' read bandits post here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-does-not-know-if-she-wants-stay-married.html
> 
> Be factual but netural in discussing your WS choices with your children. For example: your mother has chosen to share herself physically with other men and commit adultery. Our life's will change, not because you or I want it to, but because she has chosen to force us to.
> 
> Here is a link to common http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html and general advise http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> 
> For god sake see a lawyer. Need solid info to make decisions going foward.


More excellent advice. Nicely written John.


----------



## Marc878

bandit.45 said:


> Do not tell ANYONE you are filing!!! The kids will squeal. Let it be a surprise to her.


Good point here. Tell the kids after the fact when she's received the papers.


----------



## bandit.45

Part of being a man...being a leader... is to do what is in your heart and mind to do without asking for a consensus or for permission. You know what is best for your boys. Do it.


----------



## JohnA

What exactly is a tea room? I know it seems like an odd question but I've seen it used to describe a wide range of places. 

She wants you to stand up for yourself, do it. Begin by telling your youngest what exactly is going on, factually save the language for her in private. 

Also EXPOSE THE OM.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do not tell ANYONE you are filing!!! The kids will squeal. Let it be a surprise to her.
> 
> 
> 
> Good point here. Tell the kids after the fact when she's received the papers.
Click to expand...

Good idea, there totally on my side but better not take the chance. My two oldest barely will talk to her there so shocked and mad.


----------



## bandit.45

JohnA said:


> *What exactly is a tea room?* I know it seems like an odd question but I've seen it used to describe a wide range of places.
> 
> She wants you to stand up for yourself, do it. Begin by telling your youngest what exactly is going on, factually save the language for her in private.
> 
> Also EXPOSE THE OM.


It's just a cafe where they serve exotic teas. Like a coffee shop. 

I disagree with telling the kids now. He needs to do it after the fact.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Part of being a man...being a leader... is to do what is in your heart and mind to do without asking for a consensus or for permission. You know what is best for your boys. Do it.


Bandit that's what's I'm so disappointed about. I've always been a leader so I thought. Then whammo, a affair by the woman I treasured made me into a pile of goo. I'm just know able to put a foot forward and work on becoming the man I thought I was.


----------



## bandit.45

King, another thing I need to stress to you. From this point onward you are in a chess game against your wife. Except this game is for your life. You cannot telegraph your moves. You cannot let your WW or anyone know of your future intentions... ever! The only person who you should be sharing anything with is your lawyer. 

As sad as it is, your wife is the adversary now. Her goal is to destroy you and take what she can. You cannot let up the pressure for one minute. Seriously, I do not envy you the next six months, because it is going to be hard going. You are going to see your WW do things and say things that you would never in a million years ever thought she would do or say. You will see her debase herself, embarrass herself, and become the exact opposite of the woman you fell in love with 18 years ago. Be ready for it. Steel yourself for it. Grab your boys and hold them close. Hang on.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> King, another thing I need to stress to you. From this point onward you are in a chess game against your wife. Except this game is for your life. You cannot telegraph your moves. You cannot let your WW or anyone know of your future intentions... ever! The only person who you should be sharing anything with is your lawyer.
> 
> As sad as it is, your wife is the adversary now. Her goal is to destroy you and take what she can. You cannot let up the pressure for one minute. Seriously, I do not envy you the next six months, because it is going to be hard going. You are going to see your WW do things and say things that you would never in a million years ever thought she would do or say. You will see her debase herself, embarrass herself, and become the exact opposite of the woman you fell in love with 18 years ago. Be ready for it. Steel yourself for it. Grab your boys and hold them close. Hang on.


 ugggg, I know your right bandit


----------



## azteca1986

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree with telling the kids now. He needs to do it after the fact.


Agree. Have her served. Tell the kids the same day.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Bandit that's what's I'm so disappointed about. I've always been a leader so I thought. Then whammo, a affair by the woman I treasured made me into a pile of goo. I'm just know able to put a foot forward and work on becoming the man I thought I was.


Okay...so you have identified that. Now work with that knowledge. Do not let yourself get to that place again. Don't be ashamed, just don't let yourself get to that point again. Get back up on that horse and ride him! 

Download and read _*No More Mister Nice Guy*_. That is a great book that will help you understand why most men, myself included, allowed ourselves to be taken advantage of at some point in our lives, and how to keep from letting that happen again.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Bandit that's what's I'm so disappointed about. I've always been a leader so I thought. Then whammo, a affair by the woman I treasured made me into a pile of goo. I'm just know able to put a foot forward and work on becoming the man I thought I was.
> 
> 
> 
> Okay...so you have identified that. Now work with that knowledge. Do not let yourself get to that place again. Don't be ashamed, just don't let yourself get to that point again. Get back up on that horse and ride him!
> 
> Download and read _*No More Mister Nice Guy*_. That is a great book that will help you understand why most men, myself included, allowed ourselves to be taken advantage of at some point in our lives, and how to keep from letting that happen again.
Click to expand...

Thank you. All you guys have given me a lot of good advice and it looks like I'll have lots of reading to do.


----------



## bandit.45

King, the best course of action for you now, is to just stop talking to her. No more arguing, no more debate, no more posturing and trading barbs. Let her know it is done. If she tries to goad you into a fight, turn around and walk out of the room. Keep the VAR handy and record her outbursts. 

Take the control back. It will require discipline. It will require fortitude and concentration, but pretty soon it will become the norm. 

And frankly, the only time you should speak to her is to ask her when she plans on moving out.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> King, the best course of action for you now, is to just stop talking to her. No more arguing, no more debate, no more posturing and trading barbs. Let her know it is done. If she tries to goad you into a fight, turn around and walk out of the room. Keep the VAR handy and record her outbursts.
> 
> Take the control back. It will require discipline. It will require fortitude and concentration, but pretty soon it will become the norm.
> 
> And frankly, the only time you should speak to her is to ask her when she plans on moving out.


I will. So happens I always have my earbuds in since I listen to books all day. I'll have to do is hit record and il good to go.


----------



## Marc878

JohnA said:


> What exactly is a tea room? I know it seems like an odd question but I've seen it used to describe a wide range of places.
> 
> She wants you to stand up for yourself, do it. Begin by telling your youngest what exactly is going on, factually save the language for her in private.
> 
> Also EXPOSE THE OM.


It's almost like a coffe shop except they specialize in tea. They usually serve a light lunch with a variety of pastries/scones, etc.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> I will. So happens I always have my earbuds in since I listen to books all day. I'll have to do is hit record and il good to go.


Follow the directions of the 180. 

The key is never to initiate conversation. I'm not saying ignore her and be a d!ck... on the contrary. Answer her questions concisely without conversation. Just do not talk about the relationship. You can let her initiate talks about the kids, about the divorce, about the daily household issues and answer her honestly and politely.

But never, ever initiate talk about feelings or the relationship. Time for that talk was years ago. Those days are past. She doesn't give a sh!t about the relationship or she never would have thrown it in the trash. 

If she wants to talk about her feelings, just stand there and listen carefully, then repeat back to her what she told you, then say "I understand your point of view. Now if you will excuse me I have things to do." 

Or if she lambastes you just say "I'm no longer going to stand here and let you yell at me or verbally abuse me. This conversation is over". Then just turn around and walk out of the room. Do this enough times and she will learn that these tactics no longer work. 

The idea is to be there, but not be there...understand?


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I will. So happens I always have my earbuds in since I listen to books all day. I'll have to do is hit record and il good to go.
> 
> 
> 
> Follow the directions of the 180.
> 
> The key is never to initiate conversation. I'm not saying ignore her and be a d!ck... on the contrary. Answer her questions concisely without conversation. Just do not talk about the relationship. You can let her initiate talks about the kids, about the divorce, about the daily household issues and answer her honestly and politely.
> 
> But never, ever initiate talk about feelings or the relationship. Time for that talk was years ago. Those days are past. She doesn't have give a sh!t about the relationship or she never would have thrown it in the trash.
> 
> If she wants to talk about her feelings, just stand there and listen carefully, then repeat back to her what she told you, then say "I understand your point of view. Now if you will excuse me I have things to do."
> 
> Or if she lambastes you just say "I'm no longer going to stand here and let you yell at me or verbally abuse me. This conversation is over". Then just turn around and walk out of the room. Do this enough times and she will learn that these tactics no longer work.
> 
> The idea is to be there, but not be there...understand?
Click to expand...

No worries there. She is the smile as the world is burning type. I'll be there for the kiddos but not for her.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> No worries there. *She is the smile as the world is burning type.* I'll be there for the kiddos but not for her.


Well then you aren't losing much are you?


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> Bandit that's what's I'm so disappointed about. I've always been a leader so I thought. Then whammo, a affair by the woman I treasured made me into a pile of goo. I'm just know able to put a foot forward and work on becoming the man I thought I was.


This unfortunately is normal. You like most of us worked hard trying to keep the family in a good spot, preparing for the future, etc and were very trusting. You probably did too much. Learn from this for your future.

The thing is you can get this done but you'll have to make some drastic changes permanently. 

You can make your life what you want. As we all can. It does take a lot of effort but well worth it.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Bandit that's what's I'm so disappointed about. I've always been a leader so I thought. Then whammo, a affair by the woman I treasured made me into a pile of goo. I'm just know able to put a foot forward and work on becoming the man I thought I was.
> 
> 
> 
> This unfortunately is normal. You like most of us worked hard trying to keep the family in a good spot, preparing for the future, etc and were very trusting. You probably did too much. Learn from this for your future.
> 
> The thing is you can get this done but you'll have to make some drastic changes permanently. That's what I'
> 
> You can make your life what you want. As we all can. It does take a lot of effort but well worth it.
Click to expand...

That's what I starting. It's going to be a uphill battle I know. Right now my goal is to through tonight. It's just going to be me and my little boy. My wife is going to a party and my two older kids are doing there own thing. It's days like this when I have to pretend to be happy while my wife is out having fun. Ready for 2016


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> That's what I starting. It's going to be a uphill battle I know. Right now my goal is to through tonight. It's just going to be me and my little boy. My wife is going to a party and my two older kids are doing there own thing. It's days like this when I have to pretend to be happy while my wife is out having fun. Ready for 2016


I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come home until late tomorrow morning.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I starting. It's going to be a uphill battle I know. Right now my goal is to through tonight. It's just going to be me and my little boy. My wife is going to a party and my two older kids are doing there own thing. It's days like this when I have to pretend to be happy while my wife is out having fun. Ready for 2016
> 
> 
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't come home until late tomorrow morning.
Click to expand...

I kinda hope she doesn't. More ammo I suppose.


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> That's what I starting. It's going to be a uphill battle I know. Right now my goal is to through tonight. It's just going to be me and my little boy. My wife is going to a party and my two older kids are doing there own thing. It's days like this when I have to pretend to be happy while my wife is out having fun. Ready for 2016


IMO, perfect time to do 100% full exposure. Be bold!!!! >


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I starting. It's going to be a uphill battle I know. Right now my goal is to through tonight. It's just going to be me and my little boy. My wife is going to a party and my two older kids are doing there own thing. It's days like this when I have to pretend to be happy while my wife is out having fun. Ready for 2016
> 
> 
> 
> IMO, perfect time to do 100% full exposure. Be bold!!!!
Click to expand...

Agreed!!


----------



## Marc878

You've got proof so don't half azz this. Do it all at once. Get that off your chest. I suspect most kinda sorts know anyway. Doesn't seem like she's doing much to hide it.

Get your power back. Your kids need to respect their dad. Seeing you being treated like this is not a good thing. 

You'll get your own self respect back too. That's worth a million bucks. 

Be prepared for the fallout. Is the other man married?


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

tom67 said:


> It can't hurt especially if she isn't going to AA or inpatient to dry up.
> Put your phone on record or get a voice activated recorder when dealing with her so she can't claim you hit her or threatened her.


yes. Because a parent has to be responsible, especially responsible and good role model for children. Excessive alcohol or drugs, especially if on the police records, is a big no-no.


----------



## bandit.45

When a good woman goes bad, there is nothing on earth or in hell that is worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Start spending more time with the kids, take them out more (ya hard to do with the 2 older ones) and spend dinner out and find things the 3 of you can do. Let the older ones know that you and their younger brother need them and it;s time to strength up the family unit.

My point here is start giving you WW a taste of her new reality by coming home to an empty house and missing out with time spent with the kids....besides the kids will need more of your time since their mother is such a phuck up!

Beside, even if you have to go out to dinner and walk around the mall or park every day before your WW comes home from work....at least the kids don't have to watch her get all dolled up to go be with her OM for the night.

In a way you are taking the kids away from her and still liver in the same house....if you know what I mean?

I think if your WW doesn't make it home before the older kids get home then take them all out for the day.....hell take them out for the weekend and let your old lady phuck off!

From were I'm sitting your old lady has lost the right to have family time.......the way I see it is she is no longer invited!


----------



## the guy

bandit.45 said:


> When a good woman goes bad, there is nothing on earth or in hell that is worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And the sad part is the wayward spouse doesn't have a clue......when all the "friends" no longer want to hang out cus the betrayed spouse has cut off the money and the affair partner is getting sick of the wayward cuz they no longer have family and friend around to soak up some of the time away from their phuck buddy (she's now his problem) then dumps them....the kids want nothing to do with the wayward and the betrayed spouse has found someone who cares.......

THE WAYWARD IS LEFT ALONE....only to be found dead by the postman. in a trailer full of cats and cat boo!


----------



## Thound

Just a word of warning: when she crashes and burns, she will be wanting to come back. Don't fall for it as it will be the biggest mistake of your life.


----------



## ing

the guy said:


> And the sad part is the wayward spouse doesn't have a clue......when all the "friends" no longer want to hang out cus the betrayed spouse has cut off the money and the affair partner is getting sick of the wayward cuz they no longer have family and friend around to soak up some of the time away from their phuck buddy (she's now his problem) then dumps them....the kids want nothing to do with the wayward and the betrayed spouse has found someone who cares.......
> 
> THE WAYWARD IS LEFT ALONE....only to be found dead by the postman. in a trailer full of cats and cat boo!


This is what has happened to my ExWife. She is not quiet at the 'trailer full of cats' but give her time.

_"Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it"_
Full article

The key phrase there is "when there is nothing more to sacrifice" . It is hard to watch a person you have loved for so long to do this to themselves but there is nothing you can do. Nothing at all.

You have received excellent advice and really all I would like to add is that you take care of yourself. You are now the rock for you kids, the port in the storm. 

You need to stand up. Unwavering and strong. See your STBXW for who she is now. A woman who disrespects you to a level that you have never felt before. The family you worked so hard for as an impediment to her happiness now.

Consolidate your little family and rebuild without her. You see value and so do your kids. So start now.

Expose her selfishness to the world. It is too late to save her. She has gone.

I am sorry you are here.


----------



## Kingbc21

ing said:


> the guy said:
> 
> 
> 
> And the sad part is the wayward spouse doesn't have a clue......when all the "friends" no longer want to hang out cus the betrayed spouse has cut off the money and the affair partner is getting sick of the wayward cuz they no longer have family and friend around to soak up some of the time away from their phuck buddy (she's now his problem) then dumps them....the kids want nothing to do with the wayward and the betrayed spouse has found someone who cares.......
> 
> THE WAYWARD IS LEFT ALONE....only to be found dead by the postman. in a trailer full of cats and cat boo!
> 
> 
> 
> This is what has happened to my ExWife. She is not quiet at the 'trailer full of cats' but give her time.
> 
> _"Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it"_
> Full article
> 
> The key phrase there is "when there is nothing more to sacrifice" . It is hard to watch a person you have loved for so long to do this to themselves but there is nothing you can do. Nothing at all.
> 
> You have received excellent advice and really all I would like to add is that you take care of yourself. You are now the rock for you kids, the port in the storm.
> 
> You need to stand up. Unwavering and strong. See your STBXW for who she is now. A woman who disrespects you to a level that you have never felt before. The family you worked so hard for as an impediment to her happiness now.
> 
> Consolidate your little family and rebuild without her. You see value and so do your kids. So start now.
> 
> Expose her selfishness to the world. It is too late to save her. She has gone.
> 
> I am sorry you are here.
Click to expand...

That article was very interesting, thank you for that!


----------



## Marc878

Hey man, hopefully a happier new year.


----------



## Kingbc21

Thound said:


> Just a word of warning: when she crashes and burns, she will be wanting to come back. Don't fall for it as it will be the biggest mistake of your life.


Agreed. Hopefully it will be sooner then later.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Hey man, hopefully a happier new year.


Thanks Marc, it can only go up from here!


----------



## Marc878

At the very least you're are better armed and prepared than before so the anxiety should be lessened.


----------



## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> At the very least you're are better armed and prepared than before so the anxiety should be lessened.


Yes, and there has been a lot of great advice given here that has helped. 180 is underway.


----------



## sparrow555

So, she kept having the affair going on in the background while leading you on all this time ?

And why do you not have any standards or self respect ?


----------



## Kingbc21

sparrow555 said:


> So, she kept having the affair going on in the background while leading you on all this time ?
> 
> And why do you not have any standards or self respect ?


Shes says she stopped it. When i found out i had her phone and told the OM that I was coming for him and havnt heard a peep out of him. I believe it was ended but I can't take that chance


----------



## straightshooter

King

*Shes says she stopped it.*'

'Now why would you believe that???? She has been lying and cheating on you and wants a divorce. Unless you can verify anything she tells you, assume it is a lie.

And you telling the Om you may be coming after him is not a good move. Every one wants to do that or has the thought cross their mind. all that will get you is more humiliation and maybe some time in your local jail or a lawsuit. or worse. he does not care about you or what you say.

*YOUR WIFE IS THE PROBLEM.*

Concentrate on ridding yourself of her, protecting yourself and your assets, and moving forward into a better 2016.


----------



## arbitrator

Kingbc21 said:


> Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?


*Absolutely!, @Kingbc21! Anything like DWI's, drug, alcohol, and child abuse and neglect can, and is usually used against them in the argument of parental custody, even in a no-fault divorce state much like your own! So gather any and all incriminating evidence against her and give it to your lawyer!

A quick question: Do the kids have any preference about who they want to reside with? If it's with you, which I highly think that it is, your attorney definitely needs to know that ASAP!

And for what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that their affair has suddenly ended ~ they have just taken it much further underground to keep it out of your view! Methinks that your wife has you pegged as a "Plan B" until such time that she can successfully make the physical transition over to him!

And one other precaution: Get your a$$ to your MD to be fully checked out for the presence of STD's! If you unfortunately are, give that evidence to your attorney who will be most happy to present it to the court, or can use its mere presence for both property and custodial leverage!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here, but you are now among caring friends and associates who have made the same journey that you are now enduring!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

straightshooter said:


> King
> 
> *Shes says she stopped it.*'
> 
> 'Now why would you believe that???? She has been lying and cheating on you and wants a divorce. Unless you can verify anything she tells you, assume it is a lie.
> 
> And you telling the Om you may be coming after him is not a good move. Every one wants to do that or has the thought cross their mind. all that will get you is more humiliation and maybe some time in your local jail or a lawsuit. or worse. he does not care about you or what you say.
> 
> *YOUR WIFE IS THE PROBLEM.*
> 
> Concentrate on ridding yourself of her, protecting yourself and your assets, and moving forward into a better 2016.


when I told him that I just had found out and wasn't thinking right. Once I cooled down I knew I shouldn't. I have too much to lose if I did something stupid. Don't get me wrong I don't trust her a single bit. I've done all that I could do and it didn't work. So now I'm on the path of looking out for me and the kiddos only. It's just not the easiest thing to do.


----------



## Kingbc21

arbitrator said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Your right John. I've learned that lesson. She's making herself look bad at this point. Does her getting a DWI help my case for custody?
> 
> 
> 
> *Absolutely!, @Kingbc21! Anything like DWI's, drug, alcohol, and child abuse and neglect can, and is usually used against them in the argument of parental custody, even in a no-fault divorce state much like your own! So gather any and all incriminating evidence against her and give it to your lawyer!
> 
> A quick question: Do the kids have any preference about who they want to reside with? If it's with you, which I highly think that it is, your attorney definitely needs to know that ASAP!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

Yes. All three kids have said they want to go with me. They know how hurt I'm am and how hard I work on cooking cleaning and providing for them. I don't want to drag them in court to say that,but I may have too.


----------



## straightshooter

King

*I don't want to drag them in court to say that,but I may have too.*


Understandable, but long term you do whatever you have to do to protect them and being with you IS protecting them. 

You are the stable parent.


----------



## Kingbc21

straightshooter said:


> King
> 
> *I don't want to drag them in court to say that,but I may have too.*
> 
> 
> Understandable, but long term you do whatever you have to do to protect them and being with you IS protecting them.
> 
> You are the stable parent.


That is true, I know what I want. Just worried long term if the kids will resent it. One thing I'm doing for sure is not too bad mouth thirr mom in front of them. Learned that lesson.


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> when I told him that I just had found out and wasn't thinking right. Once I cooled down I knew I shouldn't. I have too much to lose if I did something stupid. Don't get me wrong I don't trust her a single bit. I've done all that I could do and it didn't work. So now I'm on the path of looking out for me and the kiddos only. It's just not the easiest thing to do.


I know most on TAM will disagree but I think there is nothing wrong with a face to face confrontation. Yes it was your wife that betrayed you and the family but POS knew she was a married mother. Too many men are turning a blind eye to these POS, which only causes adultery to continue to increase. If more men feared a *BRUTAL *beat down for messing with a man's family, there would be less divorce.


----------



## brownmale

If you don't mind me asking before reading the entire (long) thread: it looks like you guys were patching up, but you paid for her counselling and she didn't go, causing the tension.

Holiday-season stress is a known thing. The most number of divorces, I read somewhere, happens in the week between Xmas and New Year!

So, if you were coming out of the situation, why this change of heart? Just because she got extra-angry over the counselling thing?

Doesn't make too much sense to me.

If you thought you could work things out when you knew, why not now?

And, what would the kids prefer?

Should the fate of your entire family be decided by the moods of one person?



Kingbc21 said:


> Hello everyone, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make this short. My wife and I have been married 18yrs with three kiddos 18d 16s 10s. Last year I found out she had a affair. Needless to say I did not handle it well. I've been going to counseling ever week since then. She has not. Well last month she agreed to go to a 4day intensive. I paid the 4000 and a day before we were to go she decided it was too close to xmas. So I got upset again. The kids now about the affair and we're happy that we where going. So they were upset when we didn't go. So a week before Christmas she told me that she wants a divorce. Worst holiday ever. Soo my question is should I keep living there until the D. And do I keep paying her bill until the papers are signed. Ie cell, insurance etc. sorry for the novel and thanks for reading!


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> when I told him that I just had found out and wasn't thinking right. Once I cooled down I knew I shouldn't. I have too much to lose if I did something stupid. Don't get me wrong I don't trust her a single bit. I've done all that I could do and it didn't work. So now I'm on the path of looking out for me and the kiddos only. It's just not the easiest thing to do.
> 
> 
> 
> I know most on TAM will disagree but I think there is nothing wrong with a face to face confrontation. Yes it was your wife that betrayed you and the family but POS knew she was a married mother. Too many men are turning a blind eye to these POS, which only causes adultery to continue to increase. If more men feared a *BRUTAL *beat down for messing with a man's family, there would be less divorce.
Click to expand...

Oh I know! He knew she was a mother of 3 and that just makes it that much worse. I've been daydreaming about tracking him down. I just don't want to end up in jail and looking my kids. Now by some miracle she wins the divorce and gets the kids it might be different.


----------



## Kingbc21

brownmale said:


> If you don't mind me asking before reading the entire (long) thread: it looks like you guys were patching up, but you paid for her counselling and she didn't go, causing the tension.
> 
> Holiday-season stress is a known thing. The most number of divorces, I read somewhere, happens in the week between Xmas and New Year!
> 
> So, if you were coming out of the situation, why this change of heart? Just because she got extra-angry over the counselling thing?
> 
> Doesn't make too much sense to me.
> 
> If you thought you could work things out when you knew, why not now?
> 
> And, what would the kids prefer?
> 
> Should the fate of your entire family be decided by the moods of one person?
> 
> 
> 
> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hello everyone, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make this short. My wife and I have been married 18yrs with three kiddos 18d 16s 10s. Last year I found out she had a affair. Needless to say I did not handle it well. I've been going to counseling ever week since then. She has not. Well last month she agreed to go to a 4day intensive. I paid the 4000 and a day before we were to go she decided it was too close to xmas. So I got upset again. The kids now about the affair and we're happy that we where going. So they were upset when we didn't go. So a week before Christmas she told me that she wants a divorce. Worst holiday ever. Soo my question is should I keep living there until the D. And do I keep paying her bill until the papers are signed. Ie cell, insurance etc. sorry for the novel and thanks for reading!
Click to expand...

To me that marriage retreat was our last hope and after moving he'll and earth to go and losing the nonrefundable payment plus waiting till the day before I kinda lost it. Then a couple days later telling me she wants a divorce I fell that there's not a whole lot left for me to do.


----------



## Rugs

I haven't read this whole thread but I was a child who was awarded sole custody to my father back in 1978 so it does happen. 

In my case, my mother was making highly irrational choices to put it mildly, BUT, not only did the court/Judge look at my dad's stability as far as job, home.....they looked at mine! 

Yes, all my friends were looked at, my grades, I had an interview with a judge who scared the ever-living heck out of me....I was 12.

It's important to keep your kid's lives stable. They should be focusing on school, making good choices, talk to them as openly as you can, reassure them, hug them...... I don't know their ages but prepare them as best you can. I was not prepared and it was not fun.

You will do yourself and your children a great service if you can do some of this together.


----------



## brownmale

bandit.45 said:


> In fact, don't make any moves until you consult your TAM family first.


With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.

Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.

In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


----------



## Kingbc21

Rugs said:


> I haven't read this whole thread but I was a child who was awarded sole custody to my father back in 1978 so it does happen.
> 
> In my case, my mother was making highly irrational choices to put it mildly, BUT, not only did the court/Judge look at my dad's stability as far as job, home.....they looked at mine!
> 
> Yes, all my friends were looked at, my grades, I had an interview with a judge who scared the ever-living heck out of me....I was 12.
> 
> It's important to keep your kid's lives stable. They should be focusing on school, making good choices, talk to them as openly as you can, reassure them, hug them...... I don't know their ages but prepare them as best you can. I was not prepared and it was not fun.
> 
> You will do yourself and your children a great service if you can do some of this together.


Thanks Rugs, great advice! My daughter is a senior and her grades have gone from all A's to barely passing now so I'm def working on that with her. My two boys are still doing good thank goodness.


----------



## Kingbc21

brownmale said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> In fact, don't make any moves until you consult your TAM family first.
> 
> 
> 
> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....
Click to expand...

I really didn't want a divorce. Not one bit. After I found out i went to a marriage counselor twice a week for probally 8months and now I go once a week. I can not force her to go or too change. So basically I'm a atm and a provider and that's it to her.


----------



## Kingbc21

And the kids begged her to go to the retreat. The lirteraly said we don't want anything for Christmas. We just want you to go. And she said no. Not a whole lot a spouse can do with that


----------



## alte Dame

I believe that what you do now will define you for the rest of your life.

You are a decent, hard-working man and you need to stay that way and be proud of it.

It is a sad fact of life that unworthy people can bring us to our lowest points, robbing us of our self-esteem and filling us with self-doubt.

Stop letting her do this to you! She has no right. She has no right to drag you and your children down into this sadness and dysfunction.

Pull yourself up and stay there, not just for your children, but for yourself. If you stand tall and honorable now, you will have no regrets later.

You are getting great advice from the very experienced men on TAM. Embrace it. Truly, embrace it. You won't go wrong for yourself, your children, and your conscience if you follow it.

180. Lawyer consults. File. Protect yourself by recording. Keep proof of adultery, DWI, etc. Everything to an attorney. Stay in your home. Etc. Pay attention to all of the good advice.

Define a mantra for yourself and use it if you start to waver in your resolve.

Always remember that an alcoholic cheating wife fell off any available pedestal a long, long time ago.


----------



## Kingbc21

alte Dame said:


> I believe that what you do now will define you for the rest of your life.
> 
> You are a decent, hard-working man and you need to stay that way and be proud of it.
> 
> It is a sad fact of life that unworthy people can bring us to our lowest points, robbing us of our self-esteem and filling us with self-doubt.
> 
> Stop letting her do this to you! She has no right. She has no right to drag you and your children down into this sadness and dysfunction.
> 
> Pull yourself up and stay there, not just for your children, but for yourself. If you stand tall and honorable now, you will have no regrets later.
> 
> You are getting great advice from the very experienced men on TAM. Embrace it. Truly, embrace it. You won't go wrong for yourself, your children, and your conscience if you follow it.
> 
> 180. Lawyer consults. File. Protect yourself by recording. Keep proof of adultery, DWI, etc. Everything to an attorney. Stay in your home. Etc. Pay attention to all of the good advice.
> 
> Define a mantra for yourself and use it if you start to waver in your resolve.
> 
> Always remember that an alcoholic cheating wife fell off any available pedestal a long, long time ago.


Well said and thank you!


----------



## Marc878

Document everything, DUI, time away, etc. you'll need it


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> Thanks Rugs, great advice! *My daughter is a senior and her grades have gone from all A's to barely passing now *so I'm def working on that with her. My two boys are still doing good thank goodness.


What you said about your daughter grades crashing just breaks my heart. I read in your words your dedication to your family. I imagine you must have been moving heaven and earth fighting for your marriage, swallowing your pride for your kids sake because you understand the effects shuttling kids back and forth between homes has on kids. Not to mention the effects that seeing their mother with a new boyfriend every few months. I'm preying for wisdom and strength for you and your kids.


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks Rugs, great advice! *My daughter is a senior and her grades have gone from all A's to barely passing now *so I'm def working on that with her. My two boys are still doing good thank goodness.
> 
> 
> 
> What you said about your daughter grades crashing just breaks my heart. I read in your words your dedication to your family. I imagine you must have been moving heaven and earth fighting for your marriage, swallowing your pride for your kids sake because you understand the effects shuttling kids back and forth between homes has on kids. Not to mention the effects that seeing their mother with a new boyfriend every few months. I'm preying for wisdom and strength for you and your kids.
Click to expand...

Yes I had to swallow my pride and my we and I are still in the same house. This divorce is just now getting started. There are no boyfriends that I know of. But who knows


----------



## Kingbc21

sparrow555 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Shes says she stopped it. When i found out i had her phone and told the OM that I was coming for him and havnt heard a peep out of him. I believe it was ended but I can't take that chance
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Your reply just shows how clueless you are about your whole situation.
> The problem is not OM. The problem is that you have a wife that is cheater and has no guilt about it.
> 
> There is a point where naive and gullible cross over into being stupid and dumb. You had two years to learn and you seem to have not learnt much.
Click to expand...

I'll give you that. When I found out i was all of those things. 18plus years ' with the same person then a affair. Where is the book that tells you how to re-act when you find out?


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> Yes I had to swallow my pride and my we and I are still in the same house. This divorce is just now getting started. *There are no boyfriends that I know of*. But who knows


The failure rate for relationships born of adultery is VERY HIGH. It's one thing to get use of your wife like a free prostitute, it's another thing to live with her and be in the house with kids that will know he was the cause of the family break up.

Your wife will probably soon be a middle age divorcee with kids. Not many men lining up to invest in a woman like that, especially if it comes out that the reason for the divorce was her cheating. They'll be a line of guys wanting to bang her though. 

That's why I mention a boyfriend every few months.


----------



## Kingbc21

Ah gotcha, well Monday I'm going to file and hopefully soon she won't be my problem. Just want it over so I can move on.


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> And the kids begged her to go to the retreat. The lirteraly said we don't want anything for Christmas. We just want you to go. And she said no. Not a whole lot a spouse can do with that


Any mother that would throw a marriage of 18 years to a good man and father to their kids to be some home wrecking POS' play thing is not a good woman.

Eventually the fog will clear and she'll look back at her life and think back on what she had and the status that comes with being a woman in her only long term marriage with all her kids from that same husband versus being a middle age divorcee living with a boyfriend with her kids resenting her and despising him.


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> And the kids begged her to go to the retreat. The lirteraly said we don't want anything for Christmas. We just want you to go. And she said no. Not a whole lot a spouse can do with that
> 
> 
> 
> Any mother that would throw a marriage of 18 years to a good man and father to their kids to be some home wrecking POS' play thing is not a good woman.
> 
> Eventually the fog will clear and she'll look back at her life and think back on what she had and the status that comes with being a woman in her only long term marriage with all her kids from that same husband versus being a middle age divorcee living with a boyfriend with her kids resenting her and despising him.
Click to expand...

She has court tuesday for a dwi and hopefully that will start her on that path


----------



## Marc878

brownmale said:


> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


Why don't you try reading the full thread to get a flavor of what's actually happening??????


----------



## bandit.45

brownmale said:


> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


Instead of complaining, come up with some alternatives and share with us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

sparrow555 said:


> Your reply just shows how clueless you are about your whole situation.
> The problem is not OM. The problem is that you have a wife that is cheater and has no guilt about it.
> 
> There is a point where naive and gullible cross over into being stupid and dumb. You had two years to learn and you seem to have not learnt much.


Boy...

You're just Mister Tough Guy today aren't you?

Someone piss in your Malt O Meal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

What time did she get home this morning? Was she drunk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

sparrow555 said:


> Your reply just shows how clueless you are about your whole situation.
> The problem is not OM. The problem is that you have a wife that is cheater and has no guilt about it.
> 
> There is a point where naive and gullible cross over into being stupid and dumb. You had two years to learn and you seem to have not learnt much.


To trusting maybe but not stupid. He's getting quicker than a lot I've seen. 

was it your childhood that caused your problem????


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> What time did she get home this morning? Was she drunk?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not for sure. Took my ambien and I was out!


----------



## divensrus

Hi there. I'm new to this as well. I've never been married but on my 2nd engagement. First, I'd like to tell you have sorry I am about your situation. What a **** way to ring in the next year. Just a thought : if you and your wife can talk calmly and determine what you're both comfortable with, that's probably the best starting point. Unfortunately I'm well versed in most things New York State, but not where you're from. I wish you the absolute best 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk


----------



## divensrus

Kingbc21 said:


> 18yrs. I do have proof of the affairs also


If this is a no fault state, the proof won't do much good, depending on how you file. But, ALWAYS keep documentation. Whatever you have. Never know when you'll need it


----------



## Kingbc21

divensrus said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 18yrs. I do have proof of the affairs also
> 
> 
> 
> If this is a no fault state, the proof won't do much good, depending on how you file. But, ALWAYS keep documentation. Whatever you have. Never know when you'll need it
Click to expand...

Hi, your right on No being a no fault state, affairs do come into play with custody and alimony. Especially if she gave OM money.


----------



## GusPolinski

brownmale said:


> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


:slap: :slap: :slap:

When the behavior doesn't stop?

Yes.

When the WS has this sort of regard for his or her BS?



Kingbc21 said:


> I really didn't want a divorce. Not one bit. After I found out i went to a marriage counselor twice a week for probally 8months and now I go once a week. *I can not force her to go or too change. So basically I'm a atm and a provider and that's it to her.*


Yes.

DUH.


----------



## ing

brownmale said:


> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


I think very few people on TAM are pro-divorce. 

What you are seeing is direct and painfully won experience of people who are paying forward the help they received here. 
This can appear brutal and you are right often the advice is immediate Divorce. The reason for this is simple.

While an affair is still active in heart and mind as well as physical then there can be no reconciliation of the Marriage.
The longer the affair goes on the less chance of R
Once exposed a choice has to be made by the partner. 
End the affair it or Leave 
If they choose to end the affair and are open and transparent as well as remorseful then there is a lot of support for a couple.
Sadly this is not the case in the vast majority of cases and the only choice open to a person is Divorce if they want to maintain any sense of self.

TAM first time posters tend to be self selecting in that posting here is already saying. "Hey. This is wrong!"


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

brownmale said:


> With due respect: the TAM 'family', at best, is a cyber family with little or no stake in the real world.
> 
> Also, most are heavily pro-divorce. I'm often surprised by the divorce-your-partner advice routinely given to people who find their spouses have had an affair.
> 
> In a world filled with so much extra-marital sex, is this the right advice? Not so sure....


I will never understand why someone will come here to repeatedly ask for advice and then disparage the entire community.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

TAM is one of the places where the crowd doesn't actually seem to be "pro-divorce" or "anti-divorce"; nor are most posters "pro-wife" or "pro-husband". Definitely one of the most balanced groups I've seen.
Definitely an anti "don't tell"/"don't lie" room though...so if you're looking for permission to cheat or to validate previous cheating, you'll not last long around here.

Also this group seems more about educating people of relationship needs so they can be healthier partners, and be clear and reasonable in protecting themselves against the reality that many partners do cheat or lie, so its no longer a trust thing to depend your life's worth and happiness on your spouse - that is no longer "trust" these days, it's personal avoidance of our own responsibilities as a human being. These days two people stand together, no one in front/behind of tother.


----------



## the guy

sparrow555 said:


> Your reply just shows how clueless you are about your whole situation.
> The problem is not OM. The problem is that you have a wife that is cheater and has no guilt about it.
> 
> There is a point where naive and gullible cross over into being stupid and dumb. You had two years to learn and you seem to have not learnt much.


I think Op has learned a few things....1) his old lady is a POS and 2) his old ladies boyfriend is a homewrecker that needs his @ss beat.

Maybe the next married chick OM goes after.....the betrayed husband doesn't have anything to lose and beats his sorry @ss!

Maybe if more folks in this world took responsiblity for their own actions they wouldn't have the mind set of "if she wants to phuck some strange while married then that's her problem...as long as I get laid" !

Maybe if more folks had a moral code then there would be less of an oppertunity for spouse's to screw around behind their other spouse's back.

I just think any POS that phucks around with a married spouse should have their @ss beat!......but thats just my $0.02.>


----------



## the guy

Kingbc21 said:


> I'm not for sure. Took my ambien and I was out!


Should have taken the kids out instead of dosing.

I want to know when did the 2 older ones get home?


----------



## Kingbc21

the guy said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not for sure. Took my ambien and I was out!
> 
> 
> 
> Should have taken the kids out instead of dosing.
> 
> I want to know when did the 2 older ones get home?
Click to expand...

The two older ones stayed at thier friends house. I did take him out for a bit. We are stoped by the store. Got him the Lego he wanted. Went home watched a movie and put it together then we played battle front together. He went to bed around 11. Then I dosed out


----------



## MattMatt

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I will never understand why someone will come here to repeatedly ask for advice and then disparage the entire community.


Because they may not be what they are portraying themselves as or they really wanted us to tell them all is well when we tell them that no, their spouse is a cheating, lying POS.

In that case it is like when a Dutch football fan threw his TV set out of his window when the Dutch team lost a match in the World Cup.

The TV was not at fault but was punished for carrying information that he didn't want to find out.

And that is what happens at TAM. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

brownmale said:


> If you don't mind me asking before reading the entire (long) thread: it looks like you guys were patching up, but you paid for her counselling and she didn't go, causing the tension.
> 
> Holiday-season stress is a known thing. The most number of divorces, I read somewhere, happens in the week between Xmas and New Year!
> 
> So, if you were coming out of the situation, why this change of heart? Just because she got extra-angry over the counselling thing?
> 
> Doesn't make too much sense to me.
> 
> If you thought you could work things out when you knew, why not now?
> 
> And, what would the kids prefer?
> 
> Should the fate of your entire family be decided by the moods of one person?


Unhealthy behavior has consequences......continued unhealthy behavior as even bigger consequences....life changing consequences!


Start having healthier behaviors and except the consequence of intense counseling and maybe save the marriage.


But noooo the WW phuckes it all up.

Maybe she thought she could get away with it and maybe she knew it was the complete deal breaker that would end it once and for all?

But the way I see it ...It is no longer her choice....she made her bed when she threw the olive branch on the ground and CHOOSE THE OM!!!!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

MattMatt said:


> Because they may not be what they are portraying themselves as or they really wanted us to tell them all is well when we tell them that no, their spouse is a cheating, lying POS.
> 
> In that case it is like when a Dutch football fan threw his TV set out of his window when the Dutch team lost a match in the World Cup.
> 
> The TV was not at fault but was punished for carrying information that he didn't want to find out.
> 
> And that is what happens at TAM.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know why it happens, I will never understand it.


----------



## GusPolinski

brownmale said:


> If you don't mind me asking before reading the entire (long) thread: it looks like you guys were patching up, but *you paid for her counselling and she didn't go, causing the tension.*
> 
> Holiday-season stress is a known thing. The most number of divorces, I read somewhere, happens in the week between Xmas and New Year!
> 
> So, if you were coming out of the situation, why this change of heart? *Just because she got extra-angry over the counselling thing?*
> 
> Doesn't make too much sense to me.
> 
> If you thought you could work things out when you knew, why not now?


Her refusal to attend counseling w/ him is not a trivial thing; at the very least, it is indicative of a lack of remorse w/ respect to her behavior, as well as an unwillingness to put in the work necessary to do her part in reconciling her marriage.



brownmale said:


> *And, what would the kids prefer?*
> 
> Should the fate of your entire family be decided by the moods of one person?


Are you serious? You'd have him take marital advice from his children...?

No conflict of interest or blurred lines there, right?


----------



## straightshooter

I am new here but had to jump in on that ridiculous statement about everyone recommending divorce and that was wrong because infidelity is on the upswing in today's world. So basically this I guess means to just accept it as OK for your wife to cheat and continue to cheat on you and just accept it????? I don't think so

To reconcile or divorce is a tough one for anyone. Most of us say it is an instant deal breaker but the fact is that is not true. Most men do not leave or divorce immediately upon finding out. However, the statistics are not in your favor of a long term reconciliation, and the books like "Not Just Friends: say that when a woman cheats she is most likely emotionally checked out before the sex starts.

In your case, you have an unrepentant wife who wants to either continue to bang other men or have that option and use you as Plan B. So I can't figure out why divorce should not be your initial option in your case.

And if you consider anything else at this point I'd include a polygraph, which she will refuse, as part of the reconciliation deal.


----------



## the guy

straightshooter said:


> So I can't figure out why divorce should not be your initial option in your case.
> 
> .


It should be option "IN ANY CASE" not just OP's. many betrayed want to "work it out" and that sounds like "I'll let you phuck around as long as you want" to most waywards.

The thing is, instead of "lets work it out" the betrayed should say " good luck, we are done ...I want you to leave!"!

The word "divorce" is what the wayward needs to hear to make them think twice.....make them second guess what they are giving up.

Granted the affair fog dictates that yes the wayward does want to divorce also , but when the betrayed plants the "seed" that they will not be Plan B and in fact the wayward starts to worry about their AP commitment and in addition forces the wayward and the AP to commit......and more times then not the AP just wants to get laid.....beside who wants to bring home an cheater to mom and dad?

More times then not the AP will bail #1 doesn't want to commit to a phuck buddy who cheats...or #2 is committed and AP works on saving their own marriage/relationship with SO.

At the end of the day the confidence the betrayed has in ending the M will insure the wayward in thinking twice about the mess they created. 

Rule #1 make the affair as inconveinent and as uncomfortable to continue as possible!

So with that said divorce along with exposure is ones best bet to ending the affair. And once that happens there still might be a chance to save the family unit and "shelve" the divorce.... IMHO


----------



## sparrow555

bandit.45 said:


> Boy...
> 
> You're just Mister Tough Guy today aren't you?
> 
> Someone piss in your Malt O Meal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are too old for this stuff bandit. And think of the irony of making this comment, especially for you. .

You are doing the same stuff you are calling me out for. What I said sounded alright in my head but some how the tone came out wrong now that I look back at it.


----------



## Lilac23

Kingbc21 said:


> She is so mad and embarrassed the kids know.


:crying:


----------



## Lilac23

Kingbc21 said:


> She was a stay at home for prob 8yrs then she got a part time job at a tearoom. THEN she got a full time advertising job two years ago and that's when her midlife crisis began. Totally changed. I'd say after her 3rd month on the job is when here affair started with a old coworker from her tearoom job.


It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they _need_ the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. :scratchhead:


----------



## Lilac23

bandit.45 said:


> It's just a cafe where they serve exotic teas. Like a coffee shop.
> 
> I disagree with telling the kids now. He needs to do it after the fact.


Is the OM a waiter? :rofl:


----------



## Lilac23

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/277794-my-wife-thinks-she-love-co-worker.html

Have you met Grid? You two have a lot in common and should be friends.


----------



## ing

the guy said:


> I think Op has learned a few things....1) his old lady is a POS and 2) his old ladies boyfriend is a homewrecker that needs his @ss beat.
> 
> Maybe the next married chick OM goes after.....the betrayed husband doesn't have anything to lose and beats his sorry @ss!
> 
> Maybe if more folks in this world took responsibility for their own actions they wouldn't have the mind set of "if she wants to phuck some strange while married then that's her problem...as long as I get laid" !
> 
> Maybe if more folks had a moral code then there would be less of an opportunity for spouse's to screw around behind their other spouse's back.
> 
> I just think any POS that phucks around with a married spouse should have their @ss beat!......but that's just my $0.02.>


I do wonder if some of these OM choose a wife with kids attached because they know in the back of their reptilian minds that the husband has something to lose if beats the sh1t out of the OM. 
In this case she chose the OM. Beating him up will only make her side with him more.


----------



## ThePheonix

GusPolinski said:


> Her refusal to attend counseling w/ him is not a trivial thing; at the very least, it is indicative of a lack of remorse w/ respect to her behavior, as well as an unwillingness to put in the work necessary to do her part in reconciling her marriage.


In other words she doesn't give a rats azz about him or her marriage. She sick of both.


----------



## Marc878

sparrow555 said:


> You are too old for this stuff bandit. And think of the irony of making this comment, especially for you. .
> 
> You are doing the same stuff you are calling me out for. What I said sounded alright in my head but some how the tone came out wrong now that I look back at it.


That's what the edit button is for.

Many are in total shock going through this and screw up, freeze or just plain don't know what to do. That's why they come here. 

You just flat out called him stupid which says a lot about who you are.


----------



## the guy

Lilac23 said:


> It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they _need_ the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. :scratchhead:


Sorry for the threadjack but to answer this post......

I think folks these days have little to no regard for going after spouses. They (females) start working again after kids and the husband is scared shytless about now providing for a kid...they bust their @ss to work overtime... and that makes the WW is easy pickings for attention. And we all all know were that leads to!

If there were more consequences for banging someones spouse it might be different...instead it's glorified and considered a conquest instead of a sin/crime. The sad part is the wayward doesn't have a clue they were just a conquest/a challenge....

Granted, there are so many reasons for a wayward spouse to make the unhealthy choices they make, but in the end many are under educated about affair proofing a marriage and before you know what happens one is saying " I didn't mean it to happen" or " it just happened and didn't mean anything".....well it meant a hell of a lot to the one betrayed and the kids now in a split house hold!!!! All the while the POS coworker goes after the next challenge of stealing a married spouse.

It really is sad that in this time of age kids don't think about the consequences until they are in the shower washing out/off the sex of their AP.

******disclaimer*******

not all new moms going back to work are weak and bend over for any penis at the office......some still go to the bar and get their itch scratched there, while daddies warm up mommies breast milk for their babies.


----------



## wmn1

Kingbc21 said:


> I found out when here phone lit up the room when it went off. So I snatched it and found a picture she sent the guy. So I freaked out. Our two older kids heard us and found out about the affair that way. She is so mad and embarrassed the kids know. Our 10yr old doesn't though.



she is very self serving. Mad the kids found out ?? Really ??? But she has obviously no ill feelings about destroying her marriage by cheating with three kids who are in their teens.

I would say what bandit did. lawyer up hard, get a divorce attorney specifically experienced in divorce law and hammer her. She's not remorseful.

I still think she's in the affair with the divorce line she gave you. people turn evil. I am sorry she did, King


----------



## wmn1

bandit.45 said:


> Another reason to stay in the house is so she will not move her affair partner(s) in. You don't want to be talking to your kids one day and have one of them tell you about how "Uncle Bob" comes over and sleeps with mommy at night sometimes...
> 
> We have had that happen here with BSs more than I can count.
> 
> It is absolutely amazing how fast some waywards fall from grace. They go from being respectable, clean cut pillars of the community to immoral, wretched animals in a matter of weeks.


Very well put. Every word Bandit says here is true. Every word


----------



## ing

wmn1 said:


> Very well put. Every word Bandit says here is true. Every word


Bandit is to modest to say but he was a bit of a poster boy for doing all the right things in a way that preserved his dignity though his DIvorce. 
Bandit has your back on this one


----------



## wmn1

Lilac23 said:


> It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they _need_ the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. :scratchhead:



agreed


----------



## straightshooter

*It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they need the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. *

Interesting point. From what I have read about female infidelity there are some other danger points
(1) birthdays ending in zero (30, 40, 50), milestones likely to make one feel like time is catching up with you
(2) when you become an empty nester and dynamics of the relationship changes. The wife now has more time with nothnig of what occupied most of her time in child rearing. Women still do the majority of that.

As far as the workplace. That is the new "incubator" of affairs. Your wife is now interacting closely with the same men in most cases every day so opportunity for something inappropriate to begin is many times what it was when most of the interaction with other men was brief and not reoccurring for 8-10 hours a day. With opportunity I comes risk. I don't think it has anything to do with money or earning it.

And lastly, if you read ANY book or magazine geared towards women, or watch any soap opera or women's TV shows, INFIDELITY is glorified as fun, exciting, and glamorous, and none of the heartache and consequences are portrayed. I can't ever remember reading in Men's Health how an affair could be the best thing to help your marriage. Now in the supermarket just glance over at Coomopolitan, Glamour, or any of the others and you can be shocked at the stories and headlines. If you believe someone can be influenced by what they read or see it is not hard to understand why their is this sense of entitlement in some WW.
The simple fact of the matter is that in today's world women and men are interacting much closer and that means more opportunity and more who give in to the temptation. Sorry for the rant


----------



## bandit.45

I'm all for helping a WS out in negotiating a path back to Reconciliation, even when they are foggy and still in affair mode, but that is only when they are showing remorse or some sign they actually feel bad about what they are doing. 

In the OP's case, his WW not only is not repentant or sorry, she is flat out defiant. This is one of those situations where I then tell a BS to take the gloves off, because if a WS is going to be that defiant in the marriage, think about what s/he will be like in the courtroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wmn1

straightshooter said:


> *It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they need the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. *
> 
> Interesting point. From what I have read about female infidelity there are some other danger points
> (1) birthdays ending in zero (30, 40, 50), milestones likely to make one feel like time is catching up with you
> (2) when you become an empty nester and dynamics of the relationship changes. The wife now has more time with nothnig of what occupied most of her time in child rearing. Women still do the majority of that.
> 
> As far as the workplace. That is the new "incubator" of affairs. Your wife is now interacting closely with the same men in most cases every day so opportunity for something inappropriate to begin is many times what it was when most of the interaction with other men was brief and not reoccurring for 8-10 hours a day. With opportunity I comes risk. I don't think it has anything to do with money or earning it.
> 
> And lastly, if you read ANY book or magazine geared towards women, or watch any soap opera or women's TV shows, INFIDELITY is glorified as fun, exciting, and glamorous, and none of the heartache and consequences are portrayed. I can't ever remember reading in Men's Health how an affair could be the best thing to help your marriage. Now in the supermarket just glance over at Coomopolitan, Glamour, or any of the others and you can be shocked at the stories and headlines. If you believe someone can be influenced by what they read or see it is not hard to understand why their is this sense of entitlement in some WW.
> The simple fact of the matter is that in today's world women and men are interacting much closer and that means more opportunity and more who give in to the temptation. Sorry for the rant


these are very good points.

I agree about the magazines and their contributing to the mindset. I think the concept of "an affair helping a marriage" because that marriage shouldn't exist at all if that was the case. Cruddy immorality


----------



## happyman64

KIngBC

You have been given some great advice.

Sadly, you have no other option but to file for D, protect your children and whatever assets you have left.

The good news is you are finally going to show your wayward wife some consequences for her bad decisions.

Your wife obviously has issues.

lies. cheating. alcohol abuse. partying.

Do the 180. Find strength in yourself. Talk to your family and let them know what has been going on for the past year. Ask for their support.

Go to your daughters school and ask for her to get assistance. Tell the school what is going on. They have heard it before.

And for God's sake stop being embarrassed by your wifes lousy actions and decisions.

Her choices do not reflect on you.

Now get going. 

Give your wife exactly what she has asked for.

She not only deserves it but requires it.

HM


----------



## bandit.45

Thound said:


> Just a word of warning: when she crashes and burns, she will be wanting to come back. Don't fall for it as it will be the biggest mistake of your life.


I don't think this will happen. 

This woman is so far detached from OP that she won't come crawling back. Her affair or affairs was an exit affair. She has been wanting out of this marriage for a long time. 

She may indeed crash... Or she may do quite well. I don't really know if I believe in karma anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kingbc21

Morning all, quick update. When I got home last night the house was spotless and she asked if I wanted to go eat with her and I declined. Then I asked her if she has filed for D yet and she said no. I didn't say a word and left. I'm relieved that she didn't file so Monday I can go see my attorney and surprise her.


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## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Morning all, quick update. When I got home last night the house was spotless and she asked if I wanted to go eat with her and I declined. Then I asked her if she has filed for D yet and she said no. I didn't say a word and left. I'm relieved that she didn't file so Monday I can go see my attorney and surprise her.


Spotless huh?

She must have done something naughty on New Years Eve. Shame cleaning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kingbc21

Who knows,but I'm better off assuming so.


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry man. I shouldn't have said that. 

I would bet even money she never ended her affair. 

King was the most recent affair her only one you know of or were there others? You said there might have been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

> Then I asked her if she has filed for D yet and she said no. I didn't say a word and left.


You should have handed her the classifieds and told her to start looking for a new place to live that she can afford on her salary....


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sorry man. I shouldn't have said that.
> 
> I would bet even money she never ended her affair.
> 
> King was the most recent affair her only one you know of or were there others? You said there might have been.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only one I know about was the one I busted her on last year.


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## bandit.45

Okay. I wasn't sure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on

bandit.45 said:


> I don't think this will happen.
> 
> This woman is so far detached from OP that she won't come crawling back. Her affair or affairs was an exit affair. She has been wanting out of this marriage for a long time.
> 
> She may indeed crash... Or she may do quite well. I don't really know if I believe in karma anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Bandit.45 I have much respect for you and you have also helped me in my journey very much, but I think you might be slightly wrong about her. If she thinks of Kingbc as an atm and provider the chance of her coming back is quite high. It's easy to check out of a marriage when the when the other spouse has no clue. In this case she checked out but is still being provided for, nothing has changed except she gets sex with someone other then her spouse. Since alcoholism is such a strong disease the alcoholic would prefer to keep the status quo or, don't rock the boat. 

As long as the alcohol is in steady supply she will try to keep it that way. Obviously a charge of driving under influence will have repercussions to her drinking, but the homefront hasn't changed. She is having a difficult time paying for her attorney to defend her, and that's because all her money is being drank so to speak. So as long as King is there status quo doesn't change. Now imagine if king files for divorce. Her world just got bombed, gone will be her status quo, something she will fight tooth and nail for. 

She is letting her alcohol drive her life, she is being defiant believing that King will just continue along with being her provider. But when King doesn't remain the provider she will not crawl back, but rather she will be running and using everything in her Arsenal. This will range from deep remorse to cruel anger, and it will be very ugly to the kids. The problem that is immediate and overlooked is that her first love is alcohol, and that leaves very little love for anything or anyone. She doesn't even love OM, the only thing that she loves about OM is that OM shares in her passion, alcohol. 

King, she will come back in my opinion, and it's going to be a sh--storm at the very least. Prepare yourself and I would look into therapy for your kids as well if you haven't already. This will be a fight to the end, and I am sorry this is happening to you. It's difficult at best to overcome alcoholism, and you also have infidelity to overcome, so your road ahead will be the worst ride of your life. Get support around you and your kids, then prepare yourself for the war that is coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Well, as a recovering alcoholic I can tell you she has not hit rock bottom yet. She has to stop drinking because she wants to, not to save the marriage. That wont work. 

King does she get drunk at home? Or is she a party drinker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

drifting on said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think this will happen.
> 
> This woman is so far detached from OP that she won't come crawling back. Her affair or affairs was an exit affair. She has been wanting out of this marriage for a long time.
> 
> She may indeed crash... Or she may do quite well. I don't really know if I believe in karma anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Bandit.45 I have much respect for you and you have also helped me in my journey very much, but I think you might be slightly wrong about her. If she thinks of Kingbc as an atm and provider the chance of her coming back is quite high. It's easy to check out of a marriage when the when the other spouse has no clue. In this case she checked out but is still being provided for, nothing has changed except she gets sex with someone other then her spouse. Since alcoholism is such a strong disease the alcoholic would prefer to keep the status quo or, don't rock the boat.
> 
> As long as the alcohol is in steady supply she will try to keep it that way. Obviously a charge of driving under influence will have repercussions to her drinking, but the homefront hasn't changed. She is having a difficult time paying for her attorney to defend her, and that's because all her money is being drank so to speak. So as long as King is there status quo doesn't change. Now imagine if king files for divorce. Her world just got bombed, gone will be her status quo, something she will fight tooth and nail for.
> 
> She is letting her alcohol drive her life, she is being defiant believing that King will just continue along with being her provider. But when King doesn't remain the provider she will not crawl back, but rather she will be running and using everything in her Arsenal. This will range from deep remorse to cruel anger, and it will be very ugly to the kids. The problem that is immediate and overlooked is that her first love is alcohol, and that leaves very little love for anything or anyone. She doesn't even love OM, the only thing that she loves about OM is that OM shares in her passion, alcohol.
> 
> King, she will come back in my opinion, and it's going to be a sh--storm at the very least. Prepare yourself and I would look into therapy for your kids as well if you haven't already. This will be a fight to the end, and I am sorry this is happening to you. It's difficult at best to overcome alcoholism, and you also have infidelity to overcome, so your road ahead will be the worst ride of your life. Get support around you and your kids, then prepare yourself for the war that is coming.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

WOW!!! Well said! You nailed it to a T.Yes I have taken the kids to group and individual therapy two weeks ago. And after the holidays they have more appointments with her. Right now I'm concentrating on the kids since this has changed all of our life's.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Well, as a recovering alcoholic I can tell you she has not hit rock bottom yet. She has to stop drinking because she wants to, not to save the marriage. That wont work.
> 
> King does she get drunk at home? Or is she a party drinker?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is both. I guarantee by noon she will have her mcd cup with vodka and water.


----------



## jsmart

straightshooter said:


> *It's interesting that when a lot of mommies go back to work they begin affairs. I don't if it's that they are beginning to bring in money again so they don't feel like they need the hubs anymore or it's that they feel they deserve some fun after staying home with kids for a while or regaining 'individuality' but it's a very common pattern on here. *
> 
> Interesting point. From what I have read about female infidelity there are some other danger points
> (1) birthdays ending in zero (30, 40, 50), milestones likely to make one feel like time is catching up with you
> (2) when you become an empty nester and dynamics of the relationship changes. The wife now has more time with nothnig of what occupied most of her time in child rearing. Women still do the majority of that.
> 
> As far as the workplace. That is the new "incubator" of affairs. Your wife is now interacting closely with the same men in most cases every day so opportunity for something inappropriate to begin is many times what it was when most of the interaction with other men was brief and not reoccurring for 8-10 hours a day. With opportunity I comes risk. I don't think it has anything to do with money or earning it.
> 
> And lastly, *if you read ANY book or magazine geared towards women, or watch any soap opera or women's TV shows, INFIDELITY is glorified as fun, exciting, and glamorous, and none of the heartache and consequences are portrayed. I can't ever remember reading in Men's Health how an affair could be the best thing to help your marriage. Now in the supermarket just glance over at Coomopolitan, Glamour, or any of the others and you can be shocked at the stories and headlines.* If you believe someone can be influenced by what they read or see it is not hard to understand why their is this sense of entitlement in some WW.
> The simple fact of the matter is that in today's world women and men are interacting much closer and that means more opportunity and more who give in to the temptation. Sorry for the rant


The contrast is pretty sharp. The amount of movies glamorizing female infidelity and frivolous divorce is amazing. Not just the movies and mainstream magazines but even most "conservative" churches seem to take a soft line on woman that stray. 

The assault on marriage has definitely effected the counsel that many women provide each other. Seems too common that a WW will have a friend egging her on. In all my years, I've always heard men or read about men being STRONGLY taken to task by other men when it comes out that they are betraying their wife or serious girlfriend.


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## straightshooter

King

*The assault on marriage has definitely effected the counsel that many women provide each other. Seems too common that a WW will have a friend egging her on. In all my years, I've always heard men or read about men being STRONGLY taken to task by other men when it comes out that they are betraying their wife or serious girlfriend.*

Another poster brought up this very true point. For whatever reason, men do not sit around over a drink of dinner and normally give the details of their affairs, but time and time again you will see that "girlfriends" either knew, encouraged, or enabled affairs. That is why VAR's work so well. Many times they get caught blabbing to their girlfriends.

and I guarantee you if your wife has 10 girlfreidns and told them all the exact truth about the affair, at least 6 or 7 would tell her "HE WILL GET OVER IT", or even admire her for making herself happy.


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## bandit.45

King what did she say was her reason for her affair? Not that it matters now but it would shed some light on her mentality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> King what did she say was her reason for her affair? Not that it matters now but it would shed some light on her mentality.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Bandit, her reasoning was I wasn't there early on in our marriage. Missed to many bb games etc.... of course I missed a lot of things. I was busy working supporting all of us. 
And that was years ago...


----------



## Kingbc21

straightshooter said:


> King
> 
> *The assault on marriage has definitely effected the counsel that many women provide each other. Seems too common that a WW will have a friend egging her on. In all my years, I've always heard men or read about men being STRONGLY taken to task by other men when it comes out that they are betraying their wife or serious girlfriend.*
> 
> Another poster brought up this very true point. For whatever reason, men do not sit around over a drink of dinner and normally give the details of their affairs, but time and time again you will see that "girlfriends" either knew, encouraged, or enabled affairs. That is why VAR's work so well. Many times they get caught blabbing to their girlfriends.
> 
> and I guarantee you if your wife has 10 girlfreidns and told them all the exact truth about the affair, at least 6 or 7 would tell her "HE WILL GET OVER IT", or even admire her for making herself happy.


I totally agree, with her new job she made new friends and it went south from there.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Hey Bandit, her reasoning was I wasn't there early on in our marriage. Missed to many bb games etc.... of course I missed a lot of things. I was busy working supporting all of us.
> And that was years ago...


Ah....

So destroy the family because your husband wasn't around enough. 

Solid thinking....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

180, 180, 180...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sparrow555

Marc878 said:


> That's what the edit button is for.
> 
> Many are in total shock going through this and screw up, freeze or just plain don't know what to do. That's why they come here.
> 
> You just flat out called him stupid which says a lot about who you are.


Go find a p!ssing match somewhere else.

I ignored your previous post for a reason


----------



## farsidejunky

straightshooter said:


> King
> 
> *The assault on marriage has definitely effected the counsel that many women provide each other. Seems too common that a WW will have a friend egging her on. In all my years, I've always heard men or read about men being STRONGLY taken to task by other men when it comes out that they are betraying their wife or serious girlfriend.*
> 
> Another poster brought up this very true point. For whatever reason, men do not sit around over a drink of dinner and normally give the details of their affairs, but time and time again you will see that "girlfriends" either knew, encouraged, or enabled affairs. That is why VAR's work so well. Many times they get caught blabbing to their girlfriends.
> 
> and I guarantee you if your wife has 10 girlfreidns and told them all the exact truth about the affair, at least 6 or 7 would tell her "HE WILL GET OVER IT", or even admire her for making herself happy.


Not so true.

In the military, there are large circles who make a game out of cheating, whether it is on their own spouse or with someone elses. These circles are entirely made up of men.

It includes back slaps, high fives, and at attaboys for conquests.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Kobold

Kingbc21 said:


> And the kids begged her to go to the retreat. The lirteraly said we don't want anything for Christmas. We just want you to go. And she said no. Not a whole lot a spouse can do with that


Wow, she's really devoted to just being all-around nauseating isn't she? If you ever(in a moment of weakness) start thinking about giving her another chance you can just picture this scenario in your head and that ought to put a stop to that in a big f'n hurry.


----------



## Be smart

Sorry you are here my friend,but I have to admit you are doing great. I wish some others betrayed spouses would have strenght like you.

You did try for last 8 months but dont look at it like a wasted money or time. You helped yourself going to therapist which is great. Now you have your eyes open and you are doing great with kids.

Her "excuses" for having an Affair is so stupid. I dont want to speak about love,because your wife have no idea what it means,but she definitely have no respect for you at all. 

Going out while your are at home with kids and coming back at late ccc,bad talking about you liek grow some balls wtf. She heard this from OM I can bet.

Dont move out of the house. Let her move in with OM or OMs.

Expose her Affair to family and friends. You have to do that for your sake and your kids sake,belive me. 

Dont feel ashamed or anything like that. You dont want to be a bad guy,abusive husband and father after this goes to Court.

Dont tell a soul about filling for Divorce. Suprise her with it 

I wish you luck on Moday my friend.

Stay strong.


----------



## straightshooter

*Not so true.

In the military, there are large circles who make a game out of cheating, whether it is on their own spouse or with someone elses. These circles are entirely made up of men.
*

FARSIDE

First, thanks for your service. last time i checked though, the military makes up about 1-2% of the population. Go to some of the other infidelity forums and see how many times "girlfriends: come up as part of the problem during and after .

The military, while the best of the best in my opinion, is overwhelmingly male so why would what you posted have much chance of not being the case. Thje general population is a more accurate barometer.

just my opinion.


----------



## Kingbc21

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my friend,but I have to admit you are doing great. I wish some others betrayed spouses would have strenght like you.
> 
> You did try for last 8 months but dont look at it like a wasted money or time. You helped yourself going to therapist which is great. Now you have your eyes open and you are doing great with kids.
> 
> Her "excuses" for having an Affair is so stupid. I dont want to speak about love,because your wife have no idea what it means,but she definitely have no respect for you at all.
> 
> Going out while your are at home with kids and coming back at late ccc,bad talking about you liek grow some balls wtf. She heard this from OM I can bet.
> 
> Dont move out of the house. Let her move in with OM or OMs.
> 
> Expose her Affair to family and friends. You have to do that for your sake and your kids sake,belive me.
> 
> Dont feel ashamed or anything like that. You dont want to be a bad guy,abusive husband and father after this goes to Court.
> 
> Dont tell a soul about filling for Divorce. Suprise her with it
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I wish you luck on Moday my friend.
> 
> Stay strong.


Thanks Be smart. I can honestly say I've done all can do. And therapy has helped immensely. And she will definitely get that surprise


----------



## Kingbc21

Kobold said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> And the kids begged her to go to the retreat. The lirteraly said we don't want anything for Christmas. We just want you to go. And she said no. Not a whole lot a spouse can do with that
> 
> 
> 
> Wow, she's really devoted to just being all-around nauseating isn't she? If you ever(in a moment of weakness) start thinking about giving her another chance you can just picture this scenario in your head and that ought to put a stop to that in a big f'n hurry.
Click to expand...

 Yep I have it playing it on loop in my head.


----------



## drifting on

bandit.45 said:


> Well, as a recovering alcoholic I can tell you she has not hit rock bottom yet. She has to stop drinking because she wants to, not to save the marriage. That wont work.
> 
> King does she get drunk at home? Or is she a party drinker?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 

Bandit.45 you are correct, she isn't anywhere near rock bottom yet. That's because she believes King is going to do nothing. Once the divorce papers are served she will still be above rock bottom. Rock bottom is when all the bottles are empty, no money, no job, and no friends or family who will lend an ear or money. When the sun doesn't look like it will ever rise again is when you are at rock bottom, when it's you and your thoughts. The same rock bottom I was in myself, and heard a God awful click and not a loud explosion. 

Bandit.45, you have helped me more then you'll ever know, for that I am grateful. Now you have King under your wing and you are leading him through this difficult time. You are a good man bandit, the kind of man that is an honor to call you a friend. You have great strength to be a recovering alcoholic, and even more strength to not relapse. I pray that you have the strength to stay dry. Thank you for your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist

Congratulations @Kingbc21! I know you are still in a world of hurt, but you are handling it like a champion. Keep up the good work and better days will come soon!


----------



## Kingbc21

technovelist said:


> Congratulations @Kingbc21! I know you are still in a world of hurt, but you are handling it like a champion. Keep up the good work and better days will come soon!


Well I can't thank Bandit and you all enough! I'm sitting in a parking lot killing time until I pick up my son from his friends. I came home to a big dinner on the table and I turned right around and left. If it wasn't for the TAM family I would be sitting at the table eating dinner thinking all will be well. So tough tho...


----------



## BetrayedDad

There is a strong possibility she has second thoughts and starts begging and crying for you to work things out.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT! IT IS A RUSE! YOU MARRIED A FVCKING BACKSTABBING SNAKE!

Make no mistake, she has NO respect for you. It will never come back.

When the crocodile tears start, that is her trying to plan B you. To use you like a security blanket.

It will be for purely selfish reasons, NOT because she gives a damn about you. Don't become her chump.

This marriage is 100% a lost cause. Believe it! Full steam ahead with the divorce. Salvage your dignity.


----------



## the guy

She didn't need to clean the house spotless....or make a big dinner...she could have just stayed home on NYE and kissed you at midnight instead of someone else!

Hell she could have gone with to intensive therapy and had a filthy house and brought take out home.....and things could have gone a completely different direction!

Tonight you have made it clear.....you will no longer share her with another man.


----------



## Kingbc21

BetrayedDad said:


> There is a strong possibility she has second thoughts and starts begging and crying for you to work things out.
> 
> DO NOT FALL FOR IT! IT IS A RUSE! YOU MARRIED A FVCKING BACKSTABBING SNAKE!
> 
> Make no mistake, she has NO respect for you. It will never come back.
> 
> When the crocodile tears start, that is her trying to plan B you. To use you like a security blanket.
> 
> It will be for purely selfish reasons, NOT because she gives a damn about you. Don't become her chump.
> 
> This marriage is 100% a lost cause. Believe it! Full steam ahead with the divorce. Salvage your dignity.


That's why you guys are so helpful in a time like this. The old me would be wiping away those crocodile tears saying ok baby. Not happening


----------



## farsidejunky

Easy, BD.

Backstabbing snake is not quite right. She is an addict. Addicts do these things because the addiction is all that matters. As a recovering alcoholic, I can attest to it.

Bandit has it right. You have to help her hit bottom or there will be no changes.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Kingbc21

the guy said:


> She didn't need to clean the house spotless....or make a big dinner...she could have just stayed home on NYE and kissed you at midnight instead of someone else!
> 
> Hell she could have gone with to intensive therapy and had a filthy house and brought take out home.....and things could have gone a completely different direction!
> 
> Tonight you have made it clear.....you will no longer share her with another man.


After her telling me a week before Christmas she wants a divorce I have no other choice. Christmas Eve I probably went outside and bawled my eyes out 10 times. Not for what she said but knowing it was the last Christmas as a family in the same house and all of those xmas eves when we were happy. News Years eve was a piece of cake compared to that.


----------



## the guy

BetrayedDad said:


> There is a strong possibility she has second thoughts and starts begging and crying for you to work things out.
> 
> DO NOT FALL FOR IT! IT IS A RUSE! YOU MARRIED A FVCKING BACKSTABBING SNAKE!
> 
> Make no mistake, she has NO respect for you. It will never come back.
> 
> When the crocodile tears start, that is her trying to plan B you. To use you like a security blanket.
> 
> It will be for purely selfish reasons, NOT because she gives a damn about you. Don't become her chump.
> 
> This marriage is 100% a lost cause. Believe it! Full steam ahead with the divorce. Salvage your dignity.


I agree...

She walked out the door more worried about if her lipstick was straigth and if she had the right panties on.....she didn;t start thinking about a clean house and a nice dinner until she was on her way home.

Bandit made a commit earlier and her apoligized for it.....I think he was right on with regard to guilt.......OP just walked away from "make dinner guilt".


----------



## BetrayedDad

farsidejunky said:


> Easy, BD.
> 
> Backstabbing snake is not quite right. She is an addict. Addicts do these things because the addiction is all that matters. As a recovering alcoholic, I can attest to it.
> 
> Bandit has it right. You have to help her hit bottom or there will be no changes.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


He doesn't have to help her with anything..... She owns her crap.

He owes her nothing and owes himself a better life away from this vile creature.

Many addicts don't cheat on their spouses. Please don't paint her as a victim.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Kingbc21 said:


> That's why you guys are so helpful in a time like this. The old me would be wiping away those crocodile tears saying ok baby. Not happening


You're doing well bud. You've earned my respect so far. 

Don't backpedal now and become her fool.

Listen to your head and do what you KNOW is the right thing to do.

Ignore your heart because it's been broken by your cruel soon to be exwife.


----------



## the guy

:grin2:I used to go out in the garage and cry....it was warmer!

I went through this shyt back in Feb. '05 it was cold out

In fact 2 days before Valintines Day.


----------



## farsidejunky

BetrayedDad said:


> He doesn't have to help her with anything..... She owns her crap.
> 
> He owes her nothing and owes himself a better life away from this vile creature.
> 
> Many addicts don't cheat on their spouses. Please don't paint her as a victim.


I am not painting her as a victim. I am painting her as broken. And yes, he needs away from her, but not just for him; for both of them.


----------



## BetrayedDad

farsidejunky said:


> I am not painting her as a victim. I am painting her as broken. And yes, he needs away from her, but not just for him; for both of them.


Okay... You're right. He does owe her something.

The divorce she richly deserves. Please oblige her OP in spades.


----------



## straightshooter

King,

If I understand it right, she went to a party New Years Eve without you and you have no idea with who or where it was??? If that is correct, you know exactly where she was. And apparently, she obviously stayed out all night with someone.

OK, so now you I hope are still getting her served on Monday. And she has DWI thing on Tuesday. ???? Someone said she was sick. I guess so if she is thinking cleaning the house is somehow going to mitigate her staying out all night with her OM.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM AFTER MONDAY

But you CAN expect her once she believes the party is truly over to come home and give you all the crocodile tears and swear she was not with a man the other night and all the rest of the crap. She will attempt to lure you in, maybe even with sex, but surely with promises to stop, to get therapy, and to not be unfaithful ever again.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT. You can stop a divorce anytime you want to. I would let her spew her litany of untruths to you and then tell her you will accept it if a polygraph test verifies what she has told you. My guess is that will end the conversation right there and that she will turn as white as Casper The Ghost when you suggest the polygraph. 

She is still cheating on you. Do not weaken, do not agree to any therapy until you verify she has told you the truth ( that ain't going to happen). So do not waste your money at her suggestion if she agrees to therapy.

Stand firm. The divorce will not occur immediately and let her come slobbering back. Like I said, I do not think that will happen .

You have come this far. Do not weaken now.


----------



## bandit.45

drifting on said:


> Bandit.45 you are correct, she isn't anywhere near rock bottom yet. That's because she believes King is going to do nothing. Once the divorce papers are served she will still be above rock bottom. Rock bottom is when all the bottles are empty, no money, no job, and no friends or family who will lend an ear or money. When the sun doesn't look like it will ever rise again is when you are at rock bottom, when it's you and your thoughts. The same rock bottom I was in myself, and heard a God awful click and not a loud explosion.
> 
> Bandit.45, you have helped me more then you'll ever know, for that I am grateful. Now you have King under your wing and you are leading him through this difficult time. You are a good man bandit, the kind of man that is an honor to call you a friend. You have great strength to be a recovering alcoholic, and even more strength to not relapse. I pray that you have the strength to stay dry. Thank you for your help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well thank you. You're a pretty badass dude yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

Me and the boys just home laughing and joking and had a deer in the headlight look and off to bed she went. Gotta stay strong till Monday!!


----------



## farsidejunky

Was she drunk?


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Well I can't thank Bandit and you all enough! I'm sitting in a parking lot killing time until I pick up my son from his friends. I came home to a big dinner on the table and I turned right around and left. If it wasn't for the TAM family I would be sitting at the table eating dinner thinking all will be well. So tough tho...


Good for you. 

The trick is to adopt the mindset that you are already divorced and your WW is just another inhabitant of the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

farsidejunky said:


> Was she drunk?


 no she wasn't drunk. I'm sure she had a buzz going.


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> Well I can't thank Bandit and you all enough! I'm sitting in a parking lot killing time until I pick up my son from his friends. I came home to a big dinner on the table and I turned right around and left. If it wasn't for the TAM family I would be sitting at the table eating dinner thinking all will be well. So tough tho...


The cleaning the house & dinner are pathetic self serving actions to get the kids to think she's still a good person, after spending the night with Mr Tearoom. You did the right thing by walking right out and not giving her satisfaction of thinking she can appease you with such actions. It's also good that you're not crying in front of her. If you're feeling vulnerable, step outside. Don't engage her. If you need to vent, come here and vent.


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> Me and the boys just home laughing and joking and had a deer in the headlight look and off to bed she went. Gotta stay strong till Monday!!


I know your busted up on the inside but we really think your doing better than many BHs that come here.
It's probably one of the benefits of starting BJJ. This allows you to leave so much of your stress on the mat. Imagine getting the opportunity of putting Mr Tearoom to sleep through a rear naked choke. 

But on serious note, Seeing you and your sons walking in cracking up like all is well must have been to much for her to face. She knows the family understands what she was doing last night and you getting on in a positive manner, shook her world. It forces her to see what she's destroying. So she runs off to cry in her pillow in self pity.


----------



## ing

BetrayedDad said:


> There is a strong possibility she has second thoughts and starts begging and crying for you to work things out.
> 
> DO NOT FALL FOR IT! IT IS A RUSE! YOU MARRIED A FVCKING BACKSTABBING SNAKE!
> 
> Make no mistake, she has NO respect for you. It will never come back.
> 
> When the crocodile tears start, that is her trying to plan B you. To use you like a security blanket.
> 
> It will be for purely selfish reasons, NOT because she gives a damn about you. Don't become her chump.
> 
> This marriage is 100% a lost cause. Believe it! Full steam ahead with the divorce. Salvage your dignity.


 King, you are doing great and holding it together. I know how awful it is especially when you see the 'care' is showing by cleaning and making dinner.
It is very confusing because you are thinking you are getting mixed signals from her. 
Both BetrayedDad and I went though a similar mind-fck to this.


----------



## sally40

Hi King,
Sorry to hear what you are going through! I venture to guess that in addition to her affair, her DWI, and her blaming you for *her* affair, your wife has treated you poorly and worn you down. Good news! Now you get to embark on a new life free of this energy zapping, disrespectful wife. I went through a divorce 12 years ago and have some suggestions:
(1) I DO agree with the poster who said meet with 3 of the TOP divorce attorneys in your area, and once you choose one (i.e. the good ones will require a $5K retainer) then your wife cannot reserve that same attorney. I actually don't agree with the folks who say get a "Shark" lawyer -- I had a top lawyer inform me that the best, best attorneys are not "sharks" but rather "best able to present the facts" to a judge
(2) Custody -- I have a feeling that custody will work itself out. With my divorce, I wanted custody, My ex wanted custody (he was at a disadvantage as I was a stay at home mom and he travelled a lot for work), so of course we both spent $$ on brief custody litigation only to settle on joint custody. You may find that a lot of families settle on joint c. as it's a "compromise"
(3) Care of self -- many here are focusing on u documenting her affair and you getting a big settlement ....just as important is you fueling your self-esteem and emotional health during this tough time. many big churches have awesome divorce support groups -- they are a big help as u realize you aren't alone.......Also, surround yourself with positive/supportive friends and family members as it's comforting, and it's the OPPOSITE of the drain of recent time spent with disrespectful/cheating spouse
(4) Alimony -- I had a top attorney. I believe his advice. He said "Alimony is based on both NEED and ability to pay. (I.e. your wife would have to prove "need" and prove that you can so easily earn a lot more than her that u have a strong 'ability to pay') I was a stay at home mom, so I was awarded "Rehabilitative alimony" meaning it's only for a SHORT TIME while the spouse gets back into the workforce. So the good news is your wife has to prove "need"
(5) Bright future - I feel you have a bright future in your path. I lost sleep and lost weight during my divorce - my ex was verbally abusive -- but I am so grateful I am away from him now. He is a great father but I am very very happy with my 2nd husband (married 8 years) and feel that things happen for a reason. Best to you and prayers for your happiness!!


----------



## sally40

Maybe she isn't having as much fun as it SEEMS.....she will likely get some backlash from her family and at some point other men will FIGURE HER OUT and not want to be involved with a cheater. You took the high road in your marriage, you kept your vows, you have every reason to hold your head high. When my ex husband had an affair w/his co worker and later married the co worker, I loved what my sister said about 2 adulterers together -- she said " Bad plus Bad = bad" My point- your wife may feel like she's having fun at the party but she is going to feel the fallout from her children, any ethical friends she had/has and any ethical/morals-based family she had. You, however, can be proud of how you conducted yourself in the family. You have plenty of parties ahead of you where u can hold your head high


----------



## Marc878

King, you need to steel yourself. You have a long road to travel here.

It won't be easy. Her telling you she wanted a divorce was probably used to put you in your place so she could do as she wants. Once that bluff is called realization of whats coming at her may make her rethink what she's doing. Crocodile tears and words will be meaningless to what you want to accomplish.

As you've found cheaters lie, hide, deny A LOT!!!!! Actions over a period of time are what count. Fixing a nice dinner after a night out with other man is BULLSH!t. Used to prey on your prior weakness. Make no mistake. She knows you well and will attempt to play you. 

This will not be easy. Keep in mind your end game. What do you want your life to be and could she fit into that? What would it take for her to fit in?

Remember, shes not been thinking of you, kids or anything else except what she wants. If she wakes up it may be another story but what's the real truth?????


----------



## tom67

Marc878 said:


> King, you need to steel yourself. You have a long road to travel here.
> 
> It won't be easy. Her telling you she wanted a divorce was probably used to put you in your place so she could do as she wants. Once that bluff is called realization of whats coming at her may make her rethink what she's doing. Crocodile tears and words will be meaningless to what you want to accomplish.
> 
> As you've found cheaters lie, hide, deny A LOT!!!!! Actions over a period of time are what count. Fixing a nice dinner after a night out with other man is BULLSH!t. Used to prey on your prior weakness. Make no mistake. She knows you well and will attempt to play you.
> 
> This will not be easy. Keep in mind your end game. What do you want your life to be and could she fit into that? What would it take for her to fit in?
> 
> Remember, shes not been thinking of you, kids or anything else except what she wants. If she wakes up it may be another story but what's the real truth?????


:iagree:
Be a robot!
Only discuss matters involving the kids.
Again RECORD the conversations.
For your own safety you sleep in a separate room.
With bad alcoholics there is a term called "wet brain" basically alcohol seeps into the brain and a person has lost all judgment where a person laughs when they should be crying and vice versa.
I met someone like this and Bandit may expound but it is really sad.
Get custody bro.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Kingbc21 said:


> Me and the boys just home laughing and joking and had a deer in the headlight look and off to bed she went. Gotta stay strong till Monday!!


She is thinking "Do they know I was just doing I'mboy in his truck after the club closed?" Did she go to bed or get in shower first?


----------



## eastsouth2000

haven't read the whole thing but the best advice I could give you is.

Never ever leave the house before the divorce is done and signed by the courts.
Or risk losing custody of your children forever.

Why Moving Out Is the Biggest Mistake in a Divorce*|*Joseph E. Cordell


----------



## Kingbc21

sally40 said:


> Hi King,
> Sorry to hear what you are going through! I venture to guess that in addition to her affair, her DWI, and her blaming you for *her* affair, your wife has treated you poorly and worn you down. Good news! Now you get to embark on a new life free of this energy zapping, disrespectful wife. I went through a divorce 12 years ago and have some suggestions:
> (1) I DO agree with the poster who said meet with 3 of the TOP divorce attorneys in your area, and once you choose one (i.e. the good ones will require a $5K retainer) then your wife cannot reserve that same attorney. I actually don't agree with the folks who say get a "Shark" lawyer -- I had a top lawyer inform me that the best, best attorneys are not "sharks" but rather "best able to present the facts" to a judge
> (2) Custody -- I have a feeling that custody will work itself out. With my divorce, I wanted custody, My ex wanted custody (he was at a disadvantage as I was a stay at home mom and he travelled a lot for work), so of course we both spent $$ on brief custody litigation only to settle on joint custody. You may find that a lot of families settle on joint c. as it's a "compromise"
> (3) Care of self -- many here are focusing on u documenting her affair and you getting a big settlement ....just as important is you fueling your self-esteem and emotional health during this tough time. many big churches have awesome divorce support groups -- they are a big help as u realize you aren't alone.......Also, surround yourself with positive/supportive friends and family members as it's comforting, and it's the OPPOSITE of the drain of recent time spent with disrespectful/cheating spouse
> (4) Alimony -- I had a top attorney. I believe his advice. He said "Alimony is based on both NEED and ability to pay. (I.e. your wife would have to prove "need" and prove that you can so easily earn a lot more than her that u have a strong 'ability to pay') I was a stay at home mom, so I was awarded "Rehabilitative alimony" meaning it's only for a SHORT TIME while the spouse gets back into the workforce. So the good news is your wife has to prove "need"
> (5) Bright future - I feel you have a bright future in your path. I lost sleep and lost weight during my divorce - my ex was verbally abusive -- but I am so grateful I am away from him now. He is a great father but I am very very happy with my 2nd husband (married 8 years) and feel that things happen for a reason. Best to you and prayers for your happiness!!


Thanks Sally for the great advice. I have started to look for support groups to join. Joining TAM has been my first step. I'm lucky enough to have ADHD,OCD and very codependent to boot. So it's going to be a long road. Going to try to find a local group in my town.


----------



## Kingbc21

eastsouth2000 said:


> haven't read the whole thing but the best advice I could give you is.
> 
> Never ever leave the house before the divorce is done and signed by the courts.
> Or risk losing custody of your children forever.
> 
> Why Moving Out Is the Biggest Mistake in a Divorce*|*Joseph E. Cordell


That's the tough part. I wanna leave so bad!!!! But I know I need to stay. I tell my self I've not gone through all this hell to just give her the kids and the house.


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Me and the boys just home laughing and joking and had a deer in the headlight look and off to bed she went. Gotta stay strong till Monday!!
> 
> 
> 
> I know your busted up on the inside but we really think your doing better than many BHs that come here.
> It's probably one of the benefits of starting BJJ. This allows you to leave so much of your stress on the mat. Imagine getting the opportunity of putting Mr Tearoom to sleep through a rear naked choke.
> 
> But on serious note, Seeing you and your sons walking in cracking up like all is well must have been to much for her to face. She knows the family understands what she was doing last night and you getting on in a positive manner, shook her world. It forces her to see what she's destroying. So she runs off to cry in her pillow in self pity.
Click to expand...

Yes BJJ has helped me so much with the confidence. After the affair I definitely didn't feel like a man. And yes when I'm on the mat the OM is always my opponent


----------



## eastsouth2000

Kingbc21 said:


> That's the tough part. I wanna leave so bad!!!! But I know I need to stay. I tell my self I've not gone through all this hell to just give her the kids and the house.


dont you ever leave the house till the divorce is done.

dont even rent an apparment or put up adds your looking for one.

as far as the law is concerned that's "abandoning your children" or "attempting to abandon your children".

so many men have fallen for that only to regret.

it doesnt matter what you and your wife talked & agreed about.
it doesnt matter if your paying for the house,electricity,food,water & air its still abandonment.
as far as the law is concerned never leave the house till your forced to leave.


----------



## Blacksmith01

If you wait awhile she will leave. So that she can be free to do as she sees fit.


----------



## bandit.45

tom67 said:


> :iagree:
> Be a robot!
> Only discuss matters involving the kids.
> Again RECORD the conversations.
> For your own safety you sleep in a separate room.
> With bad alcoholics there is a term called "wet brain" basically alcohol seeps into the brain and a person has lost all judgment where a person laughs when they should be crying and vice versa.
> I met someone like this and Bandit may expound but it is really sad.
> Get custody bro.


Wet brain tends to happen in the late stages when cirrosis starts to set in. The liver is no longer able to keep up with converting the alcohol to sugars and the brain basically starts to get pickled. Brain cells die by the billions. She's got a while before she gets to that stage. Right now most of her issues are mostly anger related. When a person is that angry they don't see reason anymore. Her husband, her children and her marriage makes her angry. What she is doing makes her angry. She is angry at herself and life in general. 

This is just an angry woman acting out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Blacksmith01 said:


> If you wait awhile she will leave. So that she can be free to do as she sees fit.


Yep. She will. Few women can handle getting the cold shoulder from their husband and kids. It won't be long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> tom67 said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Be a robot!
> Only discuss matters involving the kids.
> Again RECORD the conversations.
> For your own safety you sleep in a separate room.
> With bad alcoholics there is a term called "wet brain" basically alcohol seeps into the brain and a person has lost all judgment where a person laughs when they should be crying and vice versa.
> I met someone like this and Bandit may expound but it is really sad.
> Get custody bro.
> 
> 
> 
> Wet brain tends to happen in the late stages when cirrosis starts to set in. The liver is no longer able to keep up with converting the alcohol to sugars and the brain basically starts to get pickled. Brain cells die by the billions. She's got a while before she gets to that stage. Right now most of her issues are mostly anger related. When a person is that angry they don't see reason anymore. Her husband, her children and her marriage makes her angry. What she is doing makes her angry. She is angry at herself and life in general.
> 
> This is just an angry woman acting out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

Your so right Bandit. Her father passed away from liver failure due to drinking. I know a lot of this is alcohol related.


----------



## Kingbc21

Blacksmith01 said:


> If you wait awhile she will leave. So that she can be free to do as she sees fit.


I'm not going anywhere Blacksmith. When I'm home I'm not if you know what I mean.


----------



## Marc878

The 180, detachment will get easier once you find the knack. After awhile it'll come natural. It's just getting over that first period that's the toughest.

You just have to get it in your mind she's the mailman or a piece of furniture. She's there but you don't care. Time will cure the rest to a point.


----------



## jsmart

Now that you're doing the 180 & kids are visibly on your side, she may be shamed out of affair, especially when you have her served. 

Do it at work, something about getting those papers in front of co-workers rattles them. Everyone at office gossiping about her imploding marriage and family really breaks them. I've seen in twice. Both times it was the wife wanting the divorce. Both times it was a scene at the office. TOTAL UNCONTROLLABLE BREAKDOWN. I'll never forget their reaction. I would also find a way to confront tearoom that same day. Put him on notice and expose to her family & friends, so she doesn't rewrite history and will have fewer people to turn to.

Though she's choosing Mr tearoom over her family and marriage now, it doesn't mean she's not hating herself. The chemicals that the brain releases when a person, especially a woman, is in an affair is ADDICTIVE. She probably hates who she's become but thinks that POS is her soulmate. That's how addictive these chemicals are on betrayers. 

If you want a view of your wife's thinking, check out thread "I am ruined" on LS's OW section. I'd bet your wife is having the same internal battle.


----------



## Kingbc21

jsmart said:


> Now that you're doing the 180 & kids are visibly on your side, she may be shamed out of affair, especially when you have her served.
> 
> Do it at work, something about getting those papers in front of co-workers rattles them. Everyone at office gossiping about her imploding marriage and family really breaks them. I've seen in twice. Both times it was the wife wanting the divorce. Both times it was a scene at the office. TOTAL UNCONTROLLABLE BREAKDOWN. I'll never forget their reaction. I would also find a way to confront tearoom that same day. Put him on notice and expose to her family & friends, so she doesn't rewrite history and will have fewer people to turn to.
> 
> Though she's choosing Mr tearoom over her family and marriage now, it doesn't mean she's not hating herself. The chemicals that the brain releases when a person, especially a woman, is in an affair is ADDICTIVE. She probably hates who she's become but thinks that POS is her soulmate. That's how addictive these chemicals are on betrayers.
> 
> If you want a view of your wife's thinking, check out thread "I am ruined" on LS's OW section. I'd bet your wife is having the same internal battle.


Thanks jsmart, I plan on having her served at work. And I'll check out that thread. Thanks!


----------



## always_hopefull

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned documenting her behaviours yet, but please also add in there how much she drinks on a daily basis. It may help with custody.


----------



## Kingbc21

always_hopefull said:


> I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned documenting her behaviours yet, but please also add in there how much she drinks on a daily basis. It may help with custody.


im keeping a log and getting pics.


----------



## GusPolinski

Kingbc21 said:


> im keeping a log and getting pics.


Empty every trash can in the house every night. Just before you do it, though, take a count of any and all empty cans, bottles, etc. Also check the fridge, liquor cabinet, and any other stashes she may have and take an inventory of what's there.


----------



## Kingbc21

GusPolinski said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> im keeping a log and getting pics.
> 
> 
> 
> Empty every trash can in the house every night. Just before you do it, though, take a count of any and all empty cans, bottles, etc. Also check the fridge, liquor cabinet, and any other stashes she may have and take an inventory of what's there.
Click to expand...

That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy


----------



## Be smart

Dont fall into her trap my friend. You know all this cleaning and making dinner for you is just another way to manipulate you.

When you asked her did she fill for Divorce she told you no. You know why she didnt do it ? Because she is happy to have you at the house watching kids,paying bills while she is out with OM enjoying herself.

Like @jsmart told you,serve her at work. I used to work with female co-worker. She was 45 years old,really beautiful lady,but she was banging some young Doctor. Her husband found out and served her at work and both of them lost their jobs. Literally she falls to her knees and crys,telling us to call her husband. She told him story how she was sorry for Affair and all this make her feel younger. It was only once they had sex and she was tired from working night shift. Stupid really.

Back to you. Be prepared for her talk how sorry she was,she never wanted this Affair. She will put some blame on you,like you are never there for her,you work to much bla bla bla.

She wanted to go out with him to see where both of you stand.

She is now in another world,where everything works just like she wants it. I feel kinda sorry for her,because when she wakes up she is going to realise it is all false. Her husband and kids are gone,her "soul mate" is not soul mate anymore,just some guy who used her for his own plessure. Co-workers gosping around and looking at her somewhat different.


Good luck tomorrow my friend and keep us updated.


----------



## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy


Kodack moment


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy


Her stash is probably down there. 

That's bad. What is her drink of choice? Beer? Whiskey? Wine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

Be smart said:


> Dont fall into her trap my friend. You know all this cleaning and making dinner for you is just another way to manipulate you.
> 
> When you asked her did she fill for Divorce she told you no. You know why she didnt do it ? Because she is happy to have you at the house watching kids,paying bills while she is out with OM enjoying herself.
> 
> Like @jsmart told you,serve her at work. I used to work with female co-worker. She was 45 years old,really beautiful lady,but she was banging some young Doctor. Her husband found out and served her at work and both of them lost their jobs. Literally she falls to her knees and crys,telling us to call her husband. She told him story how she was sorry for Affair and all this make her feel younger. It was only once they had sex and she was tired from working night shift. Stupid really.
> 
> Back to you. Be prepared for her talk how sorry she was,she never wanted this Affair. She will put some blame on you,like you are never there for her,you work to much bla bla bla.
> 
> She wanted to go out with him to see where both of you stand.
> 
> She is now in another world,where everything works just like she wants it. I feel kinda sorry for her,because when she wakes up she is going to realise it is all false. Her husband and kids are gone,her "soul mate" is not soul mate anymore,just some guy who used her for his own plessure. Co-workers gosping around and looking at her somewhat different.
> 
> 
> Good luck tomorrow my friend and keep us updated.


Thank ya, that's my goal is to have her served at work.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy
> 
> 
> 
> Her stash is probably down there.
> 
> That's bad. What is her drink of choice? Beer? Whiskey? Wine?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

Vodka, bottle after bottle of vodka!


----------



## bandit.45

Oh man. Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Bourbon is my drink of choice. I started when I was 10.

Has your WW ever gone through treatment or AA? Has she always been a heavy drinker throughout the marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy

Kingbc21 said:


> That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy


So your old lady hides the empties, but leaves the full one in the cabinet?


----------



## Kingbc21

the guy said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's a good idea. I was cleaning out the basement the other day and found a tub full of bottles. Had to be 50 empties in there. Crazy
> 
> 
> 
> So your old lady hides the empties, but leaves the full one in the cabinet?
Click to expand...

She cleaned out her closet. Those were all empties. Lord knows I've thrown several away.


----------



## MattMatt

Kingbc21 said:


> Vodka, bottle after bottle of vodka!


S**t! That is bad. Vodka is the choice of many functioning alcoholics. 

There's a Polish neighbour of ours. Nice chap. Every morning at 8am he goes into a local Polish shop, buys a bottle of vodka, takes a walk of about five to ten minutes to a bus stop and then places the empty bottle into a litter bin and then gets the bus to work.


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Bourbon is my drink of choice. I started when I was 10.
> 
> Has your WW ever gone through treatment or AA? Has she always been a heavy drinker throughout the marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's never gone to AA. On our first date 20 years ago she got hammered. That should have been my first sign. I've only seen her drunk prob 4 times in 20 years. Then around when the affair happened I found tons of bottles.


----------



## Kingbc21

MattMatt said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Vodka, bottle after bottle of vodka!
> 
> 
> 
> S**t! That is bad. Vodka is the choice of many functioning alcoholics.
> 
> There's a Polish neighbour of ours. Nice chap. Every morning at 8am he goes into a local Polish shop, buys a bottle of vodka, takes a walk of about five to ten minutes to a bus stop and then places the empty bottle into a litter bin and then gets the bus to work.
Click to expand...

It seems so. Cheap and clear I suppose. She always has her "cup" with her.


----------



## wmn1

Kingbc21 said:


> Vodka, bottle after bottle of vodka!


not good. The hard stuff destroys one physically. 

King, you are doing grat. I applaud you to persevere in a very tough time. Keep up the good work. I know the word 'good' doesn't sound right at this time but you are protecting your kids and yourself. Kudos to you bro


----------



## MattMatt

Kingbc21 said:


> It seems so. Cheap and clear I suppose. She always has her "cup" with her.


And less of a scent.


----------



## just got it 55

farsidejunky said:


> Not so true.
> 
> In the military, there are large circles who make a game out of cheating, whether it is on their own spouse or with someone elses. These circles are entirely made up of men.
> 
> It includes back slaps, high fives, and at attaboys for conquests.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I am sure that happens Junkman 
But not from your real friends brother.

55


----------



## brownmale

Kingbc21 said:


> To me that marriage retreat was our last hope and after moving he'll and earth to go and losing the nonrefundable payment plus waiting till the day before I kinda lost it. Then a couple days later telling me she wants a divorce I fell that there's not a whole lot left for me to do.


Some women will repeat the D word many times, without even knowing whether they really want it!

Divorce is mostly quite cheap for women (I'm talking financially, the emotional costs take time to seep in).


----------



## brownmale

That's what I'm saying. Be more tolerant to a wife who has an affair. If we're willing to accept pre-marital sex, why not this?

If things are really broke, she'll go anyway. 

Quite possibily, she'll simply get find up of the new find.



bandit.45 said:


> Instead of complaining, come up with some alternatives and share with us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kingbc21

brownmale said:


> That's what I'm saying. Be more tolerant to a wife who has an affair. If we're willing to accept pre-marital sex, why not this?
> 
> If things are really broke, she'll go anyway.
> 
> Quite possibily, she'll simply get find up of the new find.
> 
> 
> 
> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Instead of complaining, come up with some alternatives and share with us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...

How long am I supposed to "tolerate"? I don't want to divorce. But it takes two for this to work.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

brownmale said:


> That's what I'm saying. Be more tolerant to a wife who has an affair. If we're willing to accept pre-marital sex, why not this?.


You are playing word games. If you want an open marriage go ahead. Pre-marital sex is different from adultery sex.


----------



## bandit.45

If she has liver damage you will notice an odd sickly sweet stink coming off her. It's actually the smell of bile in the blood that is coming out in her sweat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

I don't have to read the whole thread to deduce that this is going exactly by the cheater's script.


----------



## the guy

bandit.45 said:


> sickly sweet stink
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Sickly Sweet Stink" is the name of my new band!:grin2:


----------



## jsmart

Kingbc21 said:


> She's never gone to AA. On our first date 20 years ago she got hammered. That should have been my first sign. I've only seen her drunk prob 4 times in 20 years. *Then around when the affair happened I found tons of bottles*.


Sounds like she really turned up the drinking to deaden herself from the guilt. She is crashing. POS is not going to want her full time when he sees the real thing. 

I'm not sure if you would still want to try R if you break her fog bubble when she's served but if you do, confront Mr Tearoom in a menacing way and expose to her family and influential friends. Basically all guns blazing to shock her.


----------



## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> If she has liver damage you will notice an odd sickly sweet stink coming off her. It's actually the smell of bile in the blood that is coming out in her sweat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get primary custody now!
Does your wife have any family members that aren't addicts/alcoholics have them try an intervention not you she fired you protect the kids.


----------



## tom67

lordmayhem said:


> I don't have to read the whole thread to deduce that this is going exactly by the cheater's script.


Hey Lazurus it's been a long time end t/j :smile2:


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> If she has liver damage you will notice an odd sickly sweet stink coming off her. It's actually the smell of bile in the blood that is coming out in her sweat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's no signs besides her behavior. She still has her model looks and model body. Her brain is the only thing that's messed up.


----------



## Kingbc21

tom67 said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> 
> If she has liver damage you will notice an odd sickly sweet stink coming off her. It's actually the smell of bile in the blood that is coming out in her sweat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> Get primary custody now!
> Does your wife have any family members that aren't addicts/alcoholics have them try an intervention not you she fired you protect the kids.
Click to expand...

ive been talking to my therapist about a intervention. Problem is if was not n Hollywood she would have a stack of oscars.


----------



## GusPolinski

brownmale said:


> That's what I'm saying. Be more tolerant to a wife who has an affair. *If we're willing to accept pre-marital sex, why not this?*
> 
> If things are really broke, she'll go anyway.
> 
> Quite possibily, she'll simply get find up of the new find.


Are you serious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

tom67 said:


> Hey Lazurus it's been a long time end t/j :smile2:


OT:

I'm in a similar situation to Thorburn right now.


----------



## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> There's no signs besides her behavior. She still has her model looks and model body. Her brain is the only thing that's messed up.


She will get quite bloated if she keeps this up.


----------



## tom67

lordmayhem said:


> OT:
> 
> I'm in a similar situation to Thorburn right now.


No!!! :crying:

Please start your thread on this. :crying:


----------



## just got it 55

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You are playing word games. If you want an open marriage go ahead. Pre-marital sex is different from adultery sex.


Phill I just counted 20 words you wasted

55


----------



## ReturntoZero

Kingbc21 said:


> There's no signs besides her behavior. She still has her model looks and model body. Her brain is the only thing that's messed up.


King,

Guys are perfectly capable of banging away with no real attachment. We see a nicely turned ankle or a hot thigh and it really doesn't make a difference (at first) who it's attached to.

When a woman decides to cheat, it's a much bigger deal. Some people deny this, but it's true. To make it work with such a person will require an awakening and transformation on your part. You will have to develop sufficient self-love that you INSTINCTIVELY realize when things are "too beta" and when you're in a situation where she's likely to lose respect for you (again). And, you will have to act on those instincts. It CAN be done.

It's just incredibly difficult. And, no matter what "you" do, she may not respond.


----------



## Kingbc21

ReturntoZero said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> There's no signs besides her behavior. She still has her model looks and model body. Her brain is the only thing that's messed up.
> 
> 
> 
> King,
> 
> Guys are perfectly capable of banging away with no real attachment. We see a nicely turned ankle or a hot thigh and it really doesn't make a difference (at first) who it's attached to.
> You are so right!
> When a woman decides to cheat, it's a much bigger deal. Some people deny this, but it's true. To make it work with such a person will require an awakening and transformation on your part. You will have to develop sufficient self-love that you INSTINCTIVELY realize when things are "too beta" and when you're in a situation where she's likely to lose respect for you (again). And, you will have to act on those instincts. It CAN be done.
> 
> It's just incredibly difficult. And, no matter what "you" do, she may not respond.
Click to expand...

I know she has lost respect. My respect and dignity is among the many things I've lost because of this ordeal.


----------



## bandit.45

lordmayhem said:


> OT:
> 
> I'm in a similar situation to Thorburn right now.


Welcome back LM! What's going on dude? Start a thread and tell us what is going down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReturntoZero

Kingbc21 said:


> I know she has lost respect. My respect and dignity is among the many things I've lost because of this ordeal.


Only if you choose to lose them.

Only if you allow her actions to define you.

This is now completely about you. Focusing on her is worthless and will not help you.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> I know she has lost respect. My respect and dignity is among the many things I've lost because of this ordeal.


Much of that will return when she gets served that divorce petition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Evinrude58

bandit.45 said:


> Much of that will return when she gets served that divorce petition.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So is tomorrow the day she gets served???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CTPlay

Hi King,

You've received great advice. Take it one step at a time and the first real one is to retain a lawyer, which you are doing. 

There are a lot of steps in between so focus on the ones in order. Thinking far ahead into a future that you aren't clear about can cause serious anxiety.

I've been where you have been, a lot of us have. 

Here's what I've learned so far.

Retain a lawyer and file for divorce. By taking control of the situation will allow you to dictate what is happening and controlling your legal fees.
Get counselling, get advice on dealing with your emotions during this crisis and how to talk to your children. 
Let go of trying to believe there is a specific outcome to all this. Take it a step at a time.

I remember during this time my strength was zero and my confusion was maximum. I didn't have the energy to do simple things and I couldn't tell my own ass from a hole in the ground. Everything was shattered. Best thing you can do is listen to the lawyer on the steps on filing for a divorce. This doesn't mean you may actually get a divorce, but it provides you a structure to lean on in times of utter devastation. 

I recommend a book called from Chump Lady. Google it.

Good luck King. Only time and right action will get you through this. No tricks, no shortcuts, no $4000 getaways.

Oh and let me add. There are no stupid questions.


----------



## Kingbc21

CTPlay said:


> Hi King,
> 
> You've received great advice. Take it one step at a time and the first real one is to retain a lawyer, which you are doing.
> 
> There are a lot of steps in between so focus on the ones in order. Thinking far ahead into a future that you aren't clear about can cause serious anxiety.
> 
> I've been where you have been, a lot of us have.
> 
> Here's what I've learned so far.
> 
> Retain a lawyer and file for divorce. By taking control of the situation will allow you to dictate what is happening and controlling your legal fees.
> Get counselling, get advice on dealing with your emotions during this crisis and how to talk to your children.
> Let go of trying to believe there is a specific outcome to all this. Take it a step at a time.
> 
> I remember during this time my strength was zero and my confusion was maximum. I didn't have the energy to do simple things and I couldn't tell my own ass from a hole in the ground. Everything was shattered. Best thing you can do is listen to the lawyer on the steps on filing for a divorce. This doesn't mean you may actually get a divorce, but it provides you a structure to lean on in times of utter devastation.
> 
> I recommend a book called from Chump Lady. Google it.
> 
> Good luck King. Only time and right action will get you through this. No tricks, no shortcuts, no $4000 getaways.
> 
> Oh and let me add. There are no stupid questions.


 Thank You CTPlay, everyone had been great here and what you said is exactly how I feel. I'm on a rollercoaster from hell. I have a appt. today with a attorney to get the ball rolling. I need to stay angry or I won't go through with it.


----------



## alte Dame

You say you have ADHD and OCD. I assume that you are treated for these (?). Even with treatment, the 180 can be very difficult for people with your diagnosis. I hope you are finding ways to have it work for you.

Her alcoholism is very serious. No doubt it has much to do with her rancid worldview and behavior.

It sounds like you have a tough road ahead. No matter what, keep your eyes on the prize, which is your children. You will absorb a lot of pain, but you do much of that for them. Your WW's alcoholism means that they only have you as a stable influence. You need to keep navigating this sh!tstorm that she has created for your family. It's all on you and it's far from fun, but you can't drop the ball. 

I'm sorry about all this. We are all sending you vibes to get through it.


----------



## Kobold

ReturntoZero said:


> When a woman decides to cheat, it's a much bigger deal. Some people deny this, but it's true. To make it work with such a person will require an awakening and transformation on your part. You will have to develop sufficient self-love that you INSTINCTIVELY realize when things are "too beta" and when you're in a situation where she's likely to lose respect for you (again). And, you will have to act on those instincts. It CAN be done.
> 
> It's just incredibly difficult. And, no matter what "you" do, she may not respond.


That sounds like a lot of effort for very little payoff.  If you gotta go through all of that you may as well get a divorce and try to find somebody whose panties don't go flying off at the first sign of trouble.


----------



## Kingbc21

alte Dame said:


> You say you have ADHD and OCD. I assume that you are treated for these (?). Even with treatment, the 180 can be very difficult for people with your diagnosis. I hope you are finding ways to have it work for you.
> 
> Her alcoholism is very serious. No doubt it has much to do with her rancid worldview and behavior.
> 
> It sounds like you have a tough road ahead. No matter what, keep your eyes on the prize, which is your children. You will absorb a lot of pain, but you do much of that for them. Your WW's alcoholism means that they only have you as a stable influence. You need to keep navigating this sh!tstorm that she has created for your family. It's all on you and it's far from fun, but you can't drop the ball.
> 
> I'm sorry about all this. We are all sending you vibes to get through it.


Yes, Im on medication for it. Been on it for roughly 8years. It's kind of a double edge sword type of deal. My med helps me focus but that can be good and bad. If I focus on the affair it's hard to think of anything else.


----------



## alte Dame

Kingbc21 said:


> Yes, Im on medication for it. Been on it for roughly 8years. It's kind of a double edge sword type of deal. My med helps me focus but that can be good and bad. If I focus on the affair it's hard to think of anything else.


I do clinical work with people with ADHD and similar diagnoses, so I have seen firsthand how challenging this is. You sound like you are doing very well considering. Eventually you will be able to maintain your focus on you and the children. In the meantime you have this battle to get through. (One of the real effects of a site like this is it helps to keep the conversation very concentrated. I hope that helps as well.)


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Yes, Im on medication for it. Been on it for roughly 8years. It's kind of a double edge sword type of deal. My med helps me focus but that can be good and bad. If I focus on the affair it's hard to think of anything else.


Has your WW blamed your OCD/ADHD for some of the reasons she cheated on you?


----------



## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, Im on medication for it. Been on it for roughly 8years. It's kind of a double edge sword type of deal. My med helps me focus but that can be good and bad. If I focus on the affair it's hard to think of anything else.
> 
> 
> 
> Has your WW blamed your OCD/ADHD for some of the reasons she cheated on you?[/QUOTE
> Not really, that's probably the only thing she hasn't blamed it on
Click to expand...


----------



## JohnA

Hi King,

You seem to be in a non-stop cycle. An important mile stone in your life will occur when you accept the realites of post divorce life and begin to build a new future based on on realites. So you are going to see a lawyer today, so what. What are you going to do with this info? What do your children need to thrive ? Instead of staring at walls with no doors that are closing in on you, discover what is possible, what is not, and do something. 

Tam has a rep for bluntness and use of 2x4s. Here is your 2x4 up the side of the head.

"Grow a pair" is another way of saying rebuild your self-esteem. You rebuild it by planning and acting. You are up to 13 posts a day. What else do you have time for at this time? I posted on a thread of a OP in PA that PA has 15 guide lines for division of assets and 17 guidlines for child custody and support. @EleGirl top that by a mile here with links (it is about 1/2 way down) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ow-theres-another-woman-feeling-broken-5.html. Both of just used a search engine to obtain this onto. 

Right now "growing a pair" is using this info to build a new future. Do not get caught up with what can't be done. Get caught up with what can be done. Use the info from your lawyer and search engines to determine what is doable and what is not.

Can your next post be on what your post divorce life will be, not what your ore-divorce life was ? 

Life can be good on the other side. Think about it.


----------



## ReturntoZero

Kobold said:


> That sounds like a lot of effort for very little payoff.  If you gotta go through all of that you may as well get a divorce and try to find somebody whose panties don't go flying off at the first sign of trouble.


Yet, when children are involved, we should measure twice and cut once.


----------



## JohnA

Oh, what to tell the kids: between the every day confusion of life and each of ours personalities and characters issue arise in every marriage. In successful marriages the partners do not allow addition issues to create bigger issues. (At this point disscusd your failings) unfortunately your mother has introduced abuse of alcohol and adulerty into our lives. At this time she and I need to divorce.

Then discuss concert plans on how post divorce will work and how they can help and what they need to do.


----------



## wmn1

tom67 said:


> No!!! :crying:
> 
> Please start your thread on this. :crying:


yes Mayhem. Let us know if we can help bro


----------



## Be smart

How are you doing my friend ? 

I was thinking about your thread so I came back just because it is Monday today and wanted to know did you talk with lawyer ? Any good news for you and your kids ?

Stay strong.


----------



## jld

ReturntoZero said:


> Yet, when children are involved, we should measure twice and cut once.


That should be a signature.

@Duguesclin: Did you see this? Isn't this a great line?


----------



## GusPolinski

ReturntoZero said:


> Yet, when children are involved, we should measure twice and cut once.


LOL.

Children or not, precisely how would you suggest one apply this principle of basic carpentry to a marriage involving an alcoholic and unremorsefully adulterous spouse?


----------



## Kingbc21

Be smart said:


> How are you doing my friend ?
> 
> I was thinking about your thread so I came back just because it is Monday today and wanted to know did you talk with lawyer ? Any good news for you and your kids ?
> 
> Stay strong.


Quick update. Had my appt today and besides it being nerve wrecking it went quite well. He is already making a plan change to get the judges switched to one that's a little more. Fair on the custody issues. We haven't filed but we're getting our ducks in a row. I could not stop smiling when I got home. Thanks everyone for the advice and courage to go do it.


----------



## tom67

Kingbc21 said:


> Quick update. Had my appt today and besides it being nerve wrecking it went quite well. He is already making a plan change to get the judges switched to one that's a little more. Fair on the custody issues. We haven't filed but we're getting our ducks in a row. I could not stop smiling when I got home. Thanks everyone for the advice and courage to go do it.


Awesome!
Reminder recorder I'll give you an example why https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8HjUcKDvdQ

Stay frosty my friend.
No emotion with her.


----------



## bandit.45

Kingbc21 said:


> Quick update. Had my appt today and besides it being nerve wrecking it went quite well. He is already making a plan change to get the judges switched to one that's a little more. Fair on the custody issues. We haven't filed but we're getting our ducks in a row. I could not stop smiling when I got home. Thanks everyone for the advice and courage to go do it.


San Frantastic!!!! :nerd:


----------



## jdawg2015

JohnA said:


> Hi King,
> 
> You seem to be in a non-stop cycle. An important mile stone in your life will occur when you accept the realites of post divorce life and begin to build a new future based on on realites. So you are going to see a lawyer today, so what. What are you going to do with this info? What do your children need to thrive ? Instead of staring at walls with no doors that are closing in on you, discover what is possible, what is not, and do something.
> 
> Tam has a rep for bluntness and use of 2x4s. Here is your 2x4 up the side of the head.
> 
> "Grow a pair" is another way of saying rebuild your self-esteem. You rebuild it by planning and acting. You are up to 13 posts a day. What else do you have time for at this time? I posted on a thread of a OP in PA that PA has 15 guide lines for division of assets and 17 guidlines for child custody and support. @EleGirl top that by a mile here with links (it is about 1/2 way down) http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ow-theres-another-woman-feeling-broken-5.html. Both of just used a search engine to obtain this onto.
> 
> Right now "growing a pair" is using this info to build a new future. Do not get caught up with what can't be done. Get caught up with what can be done. Use the info from your lawyer and search engines to determine what is doable and what is not.
> 
> Can your next post be on what your post divorce life will be, not what your ore-divorce life was ?
> 
> Life can be good on the other side. Think about it.


OP, you've already had months to realize that the pending doom of divorce and the thought of it sucks. 

The sooner the advice from JohnA sinks in the sooner you will begin to rebuild yourself to a better life.

Your wife wants to handle this totally wrong for it ever to be a success in the end. Not go to counselling? That show's she doesn't want to work to fix anything. You can't make her do it either but she's given you the answer.

You are still letting her call the shots.

Man up. Big time. 

Up to this point it's clear she has not faced any consequences for her affair. Just don't look back though. Once she realizes you are done with her BS and can't get past the hurt, she'll either just let you go, or try and cling on to every last breath of the relationship.

Based on what you've said, your marriage is already dead.


----------



## tom67

Trend...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EaDWDYZsPI


----------



## ReturntoZero

GusPolinski said:


> LOL.
> 
> Children or not, precisely how would you suggest one apply this principle of basic carpentry to a marriage involving an alcoholic and unremorsefully adulterous spouse?


If the spouse enters treatment and shows remorse, it gives you something to think about - rather than rushing headlong into tearing things apart.

This board is filled with betrayed spouses. What's required here is leadership and as cool a head as possible. It's quite difficult when the blood boils in response to betrayal.


----------



## GusPolinski

ReturntoZero said:


> If the spouse enters treatment and shows remorse, it gives you something to think about - rather than rushing headlong into tearing things apart.
> 
> This board is filled with betrayed spouses. What's required here is leadership and as cool a head as possible. It's quite difficult when the blood boils in response to betrayal.


If, if, if, if, and if.

He's asked her to do that -- several times -- and she's refused at every turn.

When does he pull the plug?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Evinrude58

ReturntoZero said:


> If the spouse enters treatment and shows remorse, it gives you something to think about - rather than rushing headlong into tearing things apart.
> 
> This board is filled with betrayed spouses. What's required here is leadership and as cool a head as possible. It's quite difficult when the blood boils in response to betrayal.


I'm a betrayed spouse. I don't wear the title as a badge of honor. But I will certainly use my experience to advise another man who is going through the hell I went through, to try to throw some water on his burning trousers. I still remember how badly I wanted to keep my family together. I'd have done anything. But it takes two to build a marriage, two to restore a marriage. 
Someone looking from the outside knows what true remorse looks like.
This wayward spouse was cheating for years and "stopped" only when she was CAUGHT. There's no remorse here except what the OP hopes and prays he would see. 

Keeping him hopeful that she is remorseful is going to drag out the pain for possibly years. 

Accepting it for what it is leads to healing and future peace of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReturntoZero

GusPolinski said:


> If, if, if, if, and if.
> 
> He's asked her to do that -- several times -- and she's refused at every turn.
> 
> When does he pull the plug?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He goes forward prepared to pull the plug. But, he doesn't lose sight of what she does in response. Don't get me wrong. Once she sees the abyss, she's likely to implement "disaster avoidance". One can only tell "disaster avoidance" from "transformation" by the duration of the fundamental change.

The unrepentant disordered can only "keep up" disaster avoidance behavior for a few weeks/couple of months. Then the old pattern and ways resurface.


----------



## ReturntoZero

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm a betrayed spouse. I don't wear the title as a badge of honor. But I will certainly use my experience to advise another man who is going through the hell I went through, to try to throw some water on his burning trousers. I still remember how badly I wanted to keep my family together. I'd have done anything. But it takes two to build a marriage, two to restore a marriage.
> Someone looking from the outside knows what true remorse looks like.
> This wayward spouse was cheating for years and "stopped" only when she was CAUGHT. There's no remorse here except what the OP hopes and prays he would see.
> 
> Keeping him hopeful that she is remorseful is going to drag out the pain for possibly years.
> 
> Accepting it for what it is leads to healing and future peace of mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're misreading me.

He's to implement all the principles of NMMNG while driving the divorce from the captain's chair. What he is not to do is engage in nastiness and hardhearted fighting that seals the deal and doesn't get her facing her future. As long as she is focused on how he's "mean" and "punishing her", she stays in the victim chair.

He takes the high road. But, he's mindful of her reaction.


----------



## CTPlay

Evinrude58 said:


> I'm a betrayed spouse. I don't wear the title as a badge of honor. But I will certainly use my experience to advise another man who is going through the hell I went through, to try to throw some water on his burning trousers. I still remember how badly I wanted to keep my family together. I'd have done anything. But it takes two to build a marriage, two to restore a marriage.
> Someone looking from the outside knows what true remorse looks like.
> This wayward spouse was cheating for years and "stopped" only when she was CAUGHT. There's no remorse here except what the OP hopes and prays he would see.
> 
> Keeping him hopeful that she is remorseful is going to drag out the pain for possibly years.
> 
> Accepting it for what it is leads to healing and future peace of mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I too am a betrayed spouse. I realized that after reading many accounts of men trying the save their marriage that the incredible vast majority of them do not. And that they spent years twisting in the wind before reaching a tipping point in pain and humiliation. They then get to start the divorce process and go through another set of years moving through that trauma. 

What I try to tell men is that while they are in limbo they also put their children through limbo. 

But don't take my word for it. Do your own research. Talk to other men. The one theme that I've heard consistently is...

"I wish I had done it sooner".


----------



## GusPolinski

ReturntoZero said:


> He goes forward prepared to pull the plug. But, he doesn't lose sight of what she does in response. Don't get me wrong. Once she sees the abyss, she's likely to implement "disaster avoidance". One can only tell "disaster avoidance" from "transformation" by the duration of the fundamental change.
> 
> The unrepentant disordered can only "keep up" disaster avoidance behavior for a few weeks/couple of months. Then the old pattern and ways resurface.


He's now in the process of filing for divorce. Or, as we've stated, "pulling the plug". Regardless of her reaction to that, I'd advise him to proceed w/ the divorce and push it through to the end.

If, however, she suddenly becomes amenable to an actual, meaningful reconciliation, he can "keep a candle lit", so to speak, w/ respect to a POST-DIVORCE reconciliation, but only if she starts to make substantial changes from that point forward.

If she's offered that and rebukes it, then oh well... there's his answer.

And that, good sir, is being mindful of her responses in a way that is both compassionate and NOT blindly naive.


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## Evinrude58

ReturntoZero said:


> You're misreading me.
> 
> He's to implement all the principles of NMMNG while driving the divorce from the captain's chair. What he is not to do is engage in nastiness and hardhearted fighting that seals the deal and doesn't get her facing her future. As long as she is focused on how he's "mean" and "punishing her", she stays in the victim chair.
> 
> He takes the high road. But, he's mindful of her reaction.


This is reasonable, I just think he is better off leaving this one in the dust. But I appreciate the explanation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA

So your lawyer is making plans to switch judges. Sounds good so far. What did he advise you to do to strengthen your custody case and decrease spousal support? 

You left feeling pretty good. Glad to hear it. Make a game plan and keep to it. I am a bit surprised your WW hasn't seen a lawyer ad filed yet. She did say she wanted a divorce a week ago or so. 

Now might be a good time to read up on false reconciliations.


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## Marc878

ReturntoZero said:


> You're misreading me.
> 
> He's to implement all the principles of NMMNG while driving the divorce from the captain's chair. What he is not to do is engage in nastiness and hardhearted fighting that seals the deal and doesn't get her facing her future. As long as she is focused on how he's "mean" and "punishing her", she stays in the victim chair.
> 
> He takes the high road. But, he's mindful of her reaction.


Perhaps you should read the actual thread. 

This the real world not chapter 7, paragraph 4 from a book. OP has been fairly reasonable about trying counseling etc under the circumstances. 

He's not a robot without feeling going through a scripted version of if the stars were in alignment and the heavens were in harmony scenario.


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## convert

GusPolinski said:


> He's now in the process of filing for divorce. Or, as we've stated, "pulling the plug". Regardless of her reaction to that, I'd advise him to proceed w/ the divorce and push it through to the end.
> 
> If, however, she suddenly becomes amenable to an actual, meaningful reconciliation, he can "keep a candle lit", so to speak, w/ respect to a POST-DIVORCE reconciliation, but only if she starts to make substantial changes from that point forward.
> 
> If she's offered that and rebukes it, then oh well... there's his answer.
> 
> And that, good sir, is being mindful of her responses in a way that is both compassionate and NOT blindly naive.


agreed
Divorce does not have to be the end of the line. Reconciliation can always take place after D.


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## GusPolinski

Marc878 said:


> Perhaps you should read the actual thread.
> 
> This the real world not chapter 7, paragraph 4 from a book. OP has been fairly reasonable about trying counseling etc under the circumstances.
> 
> He's not a robot without feeling going through a scripted version of if the stars were in alignment and the heavens were in harmony scenario.


I actually agree w/ him on that point.

OP should be as business-like and unemotional as possible in any and all dealings w/ his STBXW from this point forward.

Hell, we give this advice all the time. It's called the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch

ReturntoZero said:


> You're misreading me.
> 
> He's to implement all the principles of NMMNG while driving the divorce from the captain's chair. What he is not to do is engage in nastiness and hardhearted fighting that seals the deal and doesn't get her facing her future. As long as she is focused on how he's "mean" and "punishing her", she stays in the victim chair.
> 
> He takes the high road. But, he's mindful of her reaction.


This

This technique saved my marriage with my addict wife. You don't be mean or vindictive. You just let them go and let the chips fall where they fall. 

It's called getting to 50,000 feet.


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## Kingbc21

JohnA said:


> So your lawyer is making plans to switch judges. Sounds good so far. What did he advise you to do to strengthen your custody case and decrease spousal support?
> 
> You left feeling pretty good. Glad to hear it. Make a game plan and keep to it. I am a bit surprised your WW hasn't seen a lawyer ad filed yet. She did say she wanted a divorce a week ago or so.
> 
> Now might be a good time to read up on false reconciliations.


Hi John, I don't know she hasn't filed. My guess is she doesn't have the money too. She brings home bag after bag of new crap on a daily basis. My thought is she just wants to keep the status quo. My attorney says to gather all of the evidence and use that as a last resort if she doesn't agree to the initial terms.


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## Be smart

Happy to hear about your lawyer app. and how it went.

I have to repeat this my friend. You said you dont know why she didnt file for Divorce.

She didnt because she have both of you now. You looking for house and kids and the OM where she finds her "other side".

Now you decided to do something about your life and belive me when she finds out about her Suprise she will go even more crazier.

Please dont fall into her trap and how sorry she was. You know she is seeing this man almost in front of your eyes 


Stay strong my friend and keep us updated. I wish more betrayed husbands and wives have strenght like you have.


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## bandit.45

Did you find out when she will be served?


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## Kingbc21

bandit.45 said:


> Did you find out when she will be served?


I have another appt Monday morning to sign the ppwork. Uggg


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## Angelou

She made her bed, now lay in it.
Don't pay any bills.
Advice to GET A JOB (if she doesn't have one)

For you:
Find a new hobby
Spend time w/ppl that do love you
STOP making excuses for her
Learn to LET GO 

Truly hope your journey leads you to a sense of calmness and confidence for a new road to come..best of luck!!


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## Marc878

You have two issues here King the cheating is bad enough but the alcoholism is very debilitating long term.

I suspect she'll never stop unless you divorce her. When she gets hit with papers the whole dynamic is probably going to change. Expect her to promise the moon and fo anything for the marriage but it will all be lies.

Be prepared for this but if you decide to try and work something out the drinking has to go. Don't drop the divorce on words of promise. It would just enable her more I'm affraid.

It's going to affect the kids badly long term.


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## wmn1

Angelou said:


> She made her bed, now lay in it.
> Don't pay any bills.
> Advice to GET A JOB (if she doesn't have one)
> 
> For you:
> Find a new hobby
> Spend time w/ppl that do love you
> STOP making excuses for her
> Learn to LET GO
> 
> Truly hope your journey leads you to a sense of calmness and confidence for a new road to come..best of luck!!


great post Angelou


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## Kingbc21

Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?


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## Marc878

Kids think different. He may be thinking he's somehow to blame for all of this. 

The truth always matters. They are smarter than you think and knows somethings up.

You also need to tell him he's loved the same as always and will be taken care of but it will be different.

Hiding the truth may hurt him more.


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## always_hopefull

Kingbc21 said:


> Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?


Don't protect your wife at your expense, tell him that your divorcing his mom because she had a boyfriend, married people don't have boyfriends or girlfriends. Remember, she will be telling everyone a totally different story, most likely with you as the problem. 

Are you sure your son is old enough to understand and handle it? You can always let others know, so when he's older you can tell him and have it validated. 10 is an iffy age, if he were older, I'd say absolutely!


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## abart

Children go through alot when it comes to parents split-up, so a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea


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## workindad

always_hopefull said:


> *Don't protect your wife at your expense,* tell him that your divorcing his mom because she had a boyfriend, married people don't have boyfriends or girlfriends. Remember, she will be telling everyone a totally different story, most likely with you as the problem.
> 
> Are you sure your son is old enough to understand and handle it? You can always let others know, so when he's older you can tell him and have it validated. 10 is an iffy age, if he were older, I'd say absolutely!


Agree, also do not protect your wife at your son's expense. You don't need him thinking that he is the reason for the family breaking up.

10 is an iffy age. My kids knew but were older and some of the blow ups happened where they were heard.

You can also write a letter explaining it and mail it to him at your current address. Leave it sealed until he's older.


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## JohnA

A lot of posters here have a problem with marriage builders. They feel marriage builders are to soft on wayward spouces. That marriage builders are all touchy feely, your wonderful Im wonderful can't we all just get along. The guy who founded the site would tell you any child over the age of four should be told in non graphic language why their family is breaking apart. 

He needs to be told: in a marriage a women does not have boyfriends and the man does not have girlfriends. You can have a friend who is man or a woman who is a friend which is different. In a marriage the couple do not lie to each other. In a marriage you do not always put others before your spouse. Your mother has had a boyfriend, she has lied to us about it and other things and she has to often put wanting to be with others before wanting to be with us. She might say she loves me and really does not want to divorce but her actions are cruel and says otherwise. 

Then suggest she pack a bag and go to her girlfriends or her boyfriend does not exist. You and your son will be fine. 

If she tries like she did on DDay recite the first several lines of the email. Then ask her if she really wants you to prove her actions to her son. Then say we can do this easy and fair, or hard and in the end fair.


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## manfromlamancha

Do not hide the truth from your son - doing so will not help him.


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## Be smart

It is a good question my friend.

Now this is chance for your son to understand some things about best friends,relationships and future marriage.

Let him know the truth. Also you should not care about your wife. She stopped caring about you long time ago,so why bother !

When you finish this little talk with your son then go and tell this to your family and friends. You never exposed her and she is going to make you look like a bad guy after this.

You dont want to hear your son asking you why you hit his mommy ? His grandmother told him. Belive me I saw this happens but it was to late for father to repair any damage.


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## Marc878

Did you make it through the weekend ok?


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## Kingbc21

Marc878 said:


> Did you make it through the weekend ok?


Made it through fine. Got home sat after work, grabbed the kiddos and took them to dinner and shopping. Didn't say a peep to her, just went. That felt pretty good!


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## turnera

Kingbc21 said:


> Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?


Tell him the truth. In an age-appropriate way. He needs to know the truth of why HIS life is being uprooted; if you lie to him, he will find out and he will be mad at you for not telling him. I didn't find out the truth until I was over 50, and I was STILL mad at my mom for not telling me the truth. Also, because I didn't know the truth (that my mom kicked him out for his cheating and wouldn't take him back), I grew up with a distorted view of things (women are weak, men have all the power); had I known the truth back then, I would have changed a LOT of things about my life that have made me unhappy.

He can handle the truth. And it may help him navigate HIS life, knowing not to give your partner unconditional love. And if you don't fill the vacuum in his life for WHY it's happening, he will fill it with a 10 year old's ability - by blaming himself.

"Son, we both love you and that will never change. But your mom ended up having a boyfriend while she was still married, so our marriage isn't working any more. But it won't affect our love for YOU."


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## ButtPunch

turnera said:


> Tell him the truth. In an age-appropriate way. He needs to know the truth of why HIS life is being uprooted; if you lie to him, he will find out and he will be mad at you for not telling him. I didn't find out the truth until I was over 50, and I was STILL mad at my mom for not telling me the truth. Also, because I didn't know the truth (that my mom kicked him out for his cheating and wouldn't take him back), I grew up with a distorted view of things (women are weak, men have all the power); had I known the truth back then, I would have changed a LOT of things about my life that have made me unhappy.
> 
> He can handle the truth. And it may help him navigate HIS life, knowing not to give your partner unconditional love. And if you don't fill the vacuum in his life for WHY it's happening, he will fill it with a 10 year old's ability - by blaming himself.
> 
> "Son, we both love you and that will never change. But your mom ended up having a boyfriend while she was still married, so our marriage isn't working any more. But it won't affect our love for YOU."


I agree completely.


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## Kingbc21

turnera said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?
> 
> 
> 
> Tell him the truth. In an age-appropriate way. He needs to know the truth of why HIS life is being uprooted; if you lie to him, he will find out and he will be mad at you for not telling him. I didn't find out the truth until I was over 50, and I was STILL mad at my mom for not telling me the truth. Also, because I didn't know the truth (that my mom kicked him out for his cheating and wouldn't take him back), I grew up with a distorted view of things (women are weak, men have all the power); had I known the truth back then, I would have changed a LOT of things about my life that have made me unhappy.
> 
> He can handle the truth. And it may help him navigate HIS life, knowing not to give your partner unconditional love. And if you don't fill the vacuum in his life for WHY it's happening, he will fill it with a 10 year old's ability - by blaming himself.
> 
> "Son, we both love you and that will never change. But your mom ended up having a boyfriend while she was still married, so our marriage isn't working any more. But it won't affect our love for YOU."
Click to expand...

Thank you for that. I haven't looked at it from that perspective. My two older kids know and after you put it that way it would be better if he hears It from me then someone else.


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## Spotthedeaddog

Kingbc21 said:


> Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?


****** that, she doesn't give a damn about the child's real feelings (or long term trust issues). She is totally concerned about "her baby" seeing her differently.

And it is normal for kids to be angry, and often the young ones are the most forgiving, but it does depend on which parent they tend to rely on for security and the nature of that relationship.
The last thing that anyone should have is the "elephant in the room" where a person capable of thought > 4yrs, is the only one left out of the loop; and only gets to experience everyone acting weird for a reason they don't know, and not listening/treating that person weird when they suggest things like "going to park with mum and dad" - because if no-one tells them, how are they supposed to understand why that's a weird thing...

In my ex-girlfriends girlfriend's partner and family, the oldest two children took it very badly; as a complete betrayl of their father. Partly because they had been close to their Mum, and thus trusted unconditionally, so when the news came out they felt extra betrayl about the insecurity she brought to the family. The husband was mostly in denial, but since things had been very rocky for health reasons and were on the verge of break up, he was already heavily in denial anyway. the youngest was the most accepting, and often spent time with his Mum's new girlfriend chatting about things. I think the relationship lasted about 2.5 yrs. Don't know what split them up, but my ex-gf is engaged to get married to quite a nice lady. Curious to catch up on all the goss but she works pretty busy hours and I don't want to to disturb things, as the wife to be has good job and is nice catch.


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## Kingbc21

spotthedeaddog said:


> Kingbc21 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hi all, quick question. I want to tell my 10yr old that mom had a affair and that's why we no longer can be together. I think he should know but my future x wife says no. It will only hurt him. Any idea?
> 
> 
> 
> ****** that, she doesn't give a damn about the child's real feelings (or long term trust issues). She is totally concerned about "her baby" seeing her differently.
> 
> And it is normal for kids to be angry, and often the young ones are the most forgiving, but it does depend on which parent they tend to rely on for security and the nature of that relationship.
> The last thing that anyone should have is the "elephant in the room" where a person capable of thought > 4yrs, is the only one left out of the loop; and only gets to experience everyone acting weird for a reason they don't know, and not listening/treating that person weird when they suggest things like "going to park with mum and dad" - because if no-one tells them, how are they supposed to understand why that's a weird thing...
> 
> In my ex-girlfriends girlfriend's partner and family, the oldest two children took it very badly; as a complete betrayl of their father. Partly because they had been close to their Mum, and thus trusted unconditionally, so when the news came out they felt extra betrayl about the insecurity she brought to the family. The husband was mostly in denial, but since things had been very rocky for health reasons and were on the verge of break up, he was already heavily in denial anyway. the youngest was the most accepting, and often spent time with his Mum's new girlfriend chatting about things. I think the relationship lasted about 2.5 yrs. Don't know what split them up, but my ex-gf is engaged to get married to quite a nice lady. Curious to catch up on all the goss but she works pretty busy hours and I don't want to to disturb things, as the wife to be has good job and is nice catch.
Click to expand...

You said it perfect. She's worried about how she everyone looking at her different. That's why she's so mad at me(for letting people know). Well she had plenty of time to not make the decision to cheat.


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## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> You said it perfect. She's worried about how she everyone looking at her different. That's why she's so mad at me(for letting people know). Well she had plenty of time to not make the decision to cheat.


The ones who come out of these situations the best are the strong ones. Others who are weak or passive seem to stay in limbo for a long period. 

You've gotten stronger. Keep it up. Affairs have consequences. Why keep it all on your shoulders. Get it off you and let her deal with it.


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## turnera

Kingbc21 said:


> She's worried about everyone looking at her different. That's why she's so mad at me(for letting people know).


Too bad so sad. The minute she cheated, she put her 'life' and all its sordidness out into the public. If she didn't want to be thought badly of, she shouldn't have done something people THINK badly of.


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## Marc878

Kingbc21 said:


> Made it through fine. Got home sat after work, grabbed the kiddos and took them to dinner and shopping. Didn't say a peep to her, just went. That felt pretty good!


I bet the kids had a great time. Nice job


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## Selva4you

Hello Kingbc21:
I hope that peace will continue to accompany these days. Stay strong. You and your childs will find the light at the end of the tunnel, and better days are ahead. Start living today, the first day of the rest of your life. Remember this: You're a great man and a good father.


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## ABHale

Hey King, just checking in on how you are doing man. Stay true to yourself and kids. You know what is best for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Augusto

Was she served?


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## LongWalk

Without AA she doesn't have chance and you cannot make someone go to AA. They have to want to do it themselves.


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## Marc878

Hey King. You doing ok?


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## Selva4you

Hey King. where are You ? are you ok?


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## Selva4you

How have you been, King?


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