# Its just a break, its OK to be apart..



## 1911s (Dec 22, 2011)

Thats what I've been told. She left about two months ago and has been telling me its her and not me. That she needs to work on herself. She feels to dependent on me, and we have become too depenent on each other. She reffered to it as a "rut". We have been married 10 years a month ago, that was a fun anniversary. We have a twelve year old daughter. We told her that Mom is going to have an internship for awhile. She is going to _visit_ for X-mas for four days. Staying with me. For what its worth the night before she left were were together. Just figured that might mean something. This x-mas _visit_ will tell alot.

So now I have researched all the dependency/enmeshed issues. I can see a some of traits, but I guess thats my perspective. She was the more dependent one. Stay at home mom tried some small buisnesses that never took off. I have always been the finnancial supporter. I have been speaking to a professional and she said that just by talking to me she can tell that I'm also dependent on her. I think because I was effected so much. That was the first time I talked to this therapist. I told the therapist..well I'm hurt. Therapist is telling me that if I loved her I would be able to see that she was hurting and would want the best for her. Ugh, of course I do.. So I need to bottle up all my emotions get a hobby and forget about her until she comes back? I guess she needs space, obviously. 

We speak, facetime, and text quite a bit. She is 80% initiating the communication. She has been doing a good job of keeping in touch with our daughter too. A couple of weeks ago I asked how long this would take? At first she said she didnt know, I said I didnt need an exact date just a time frame. She said (not trying to add that un-wanted pressure, but for our kids sake as well) late winter, early spring. She got a job where she is at and is living with her brother. So I'm not financially effected. She swears there is nobody else. I think she just needs to become independent so we can grow. Just how it all went down, it was easier for her to just leave rather than work on it together. Thats a hard pill.

Has anyone else had this happen? or have any thoughts?:scratchhead:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I would investigate the possibility of another man. A very common result of a stay-at-home mom getting bored is having an affair.

I assume you're still paying for her cell phone/credit cards. Check them. Any phone numbers stick out on the bill as being contacted too often or at inappropriate times? Any credit card charges at hotels or dating websites? Maybe hire a private investigator to tail her for a day or two to see if she's on any dates.

Look into the Marriage Busters 180. You may be best served by focusing on yourself and developing an interesting lifestyle that your wife will want to come back to. If she isn't interested in coming back, you will be better prepared for attracting other women in the future.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The longer a couple is separated, the less likely they are to get back together.

Your counselor is basically preparing you for her never coming back. The whole thing of having to accept her need for independence, wanting her to be happy, yada yada yada. There is no need for a SAHM to leave her husband and child to gain independence. She could have started working and paying half the bills while still being home for her child and husband. Your wife has basically abandoned you and your child.

IF I were you I would do whatever is necessary to draw a line in the sand… to give her the message that she needs to decide that she is in the marriage or out of it. 

Take a look at the link for a 180 in my signature below. This what you need to do to protect yourself from the hurt.

Because of your daughter, I would advise that you get see an attorney about establishing yourself with 100% custody. Your wife could show up on any day and take your daughter. Then this would lead to an huge, ugly custody fight. Best to establish now that your daughter stays where she is, in the family home.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I said in another thread that separation is only good for disconnecting.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...6835-working-out-living-apart.html#post523216


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I read something else into this. There is usually no reason for a woman to stay at home with a daughter of that age. Is it possible that you didnt let her go to work outside the home. A woman may leave her husband but not her daughter unless its for a good reason. This is typical therapist talk. Let her be etc. If thats what she wants agree to it etc. How long has she had her job and how long after she left did she start it. I think she will come back if not for you for your daughter. But most likely as a different woman. What does her brother say. Has she ever had a job before. I would suggest that your daughter should be asking when she is coming back not you. I would be very surprised if she hasnt done so till now and just not told you. 
There must be a lot more to this.


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## 1911s (Dec 22, 2011)

accept said:


> I read something else into this. There is usually no reason for a woman to stay at home with a daughter of that age. Is it possible that you didnt let her go to work outside the home. A woman may leave her husband but not her daughter unless its for a good reason. This is typical therapist talk. Let her be etc. If thats what she wants agree to it etc. How long has she had her job and how long after she left did she start it. I think she will come back if not for you for your daughter. But most likely as a different woman. What does her brother say. Has she ever had a job before. I would suggest that your daughter should be asking when she is coming back not you. I would be very surprised if she hasnt done so till now and just not told you.
> There must be a lot more to this.


I have encouraged her to work for the last decade. Encouraged. Not demanded, not let her just chill out either. She has gone to several schools, but never practiced in what she had learned. Im sure she feels pressure from that. Like I said she tried small buisness a couple of times, with no positive income. She has said that she relies on me to much (dependent), she tries things and I'm here to catch her when she falls. So much for being supportful. It took her about three weeks to get a job once she up and moved away. As a receptionist. She could of done that here and not 2000 miles away. I guess she just needs to do it alone. But what does that mean? No deffinative timeline. She is very convincing that its not over, there is nobody else, and this is just a temporary thing. Unbelievable. She will be here in 2 days, wondering how to play it. I read the 180 from elegirl post, and I guess thats the way to go. 
This is a good time to learn about ourselves. Quote from her. 

Thanks.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

1911s said:


> She is very convincing that its not over, there is nobody else, and this is just a temporary thing.


The 180 states that you should believe nothing that your wife says and only half of what she does. There has never been a cheating wife who told the truth when her husband asked if there was another man.

If your 2 year-old kid has chocolate all over his face, but denies eating any cookies, do you believe him? Or do you put more stock into the evidence of the chocolate? Check her email, Facebook, cell phone, and credit card records. If there's no evidence there, then you can put more stock into her claims of just being bored.



1911s said:


> Unbelievable. She will be here in 2 days, wondering how to play it. I read the 180 from elegirl post, and I guess thats the way to go.


I think the 180 is a good suggestion. Also, you could bump up the pressure. Nothing portrays weakness like a man who is willing to wait forever and be a woman's backup plan.

If your wife wants to be independent, let her be independent. Cut off her credit cards/checking account/cell phone. Let her pay her own way in the world. She may find the freedom of being a receptionist thousands of miles from home to be more inconvenient when her husband stops making her car payment. Freedom doesn't have quite the same appeal when it means taking the bus.

Also, get a lawyer ASAP. You have a great case for primary custody of your child. Don't squander it.

And you are not, under any circumstances, to buy your wife a Christmas present worth more than a Hallmark card. Seriously.


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