# Is this the end.... repeated online infidelity



## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Hi
This is my first post...

12 yrs together. 10 yrs married. 2 children.

First caught him messaging girls online when I was pregnant with our first. Blamed it on a friend, that they were just ‘messing’ around chatting to some girl. 
I’ve actually lost count of how many times this has happened. Which is shocking. 
Another few times and he decides to take himself to counselling to find the reason behind this destructive behaviour. I join him and we learn, process from his childhood the reasoning and move forward. We chose a way to move on and set boundaries etc. 
It takes years to rebuild the trust & I’ll never trust him 100%. I just can’t. 
4 years on with no other social media presence he joins insta. I find a certain person repeatedly messaging he swears it’s just a friend.
Another year later and we are at today. Phone vibrating. Turn it off and see what’s app messages. Were you just talk last night or are you visiting today... I reply as him to obtain information. Still unclear if they physically met. I called her. She says no. So does he. He told her we were cohabiting but seperated. That she felt they would meet but hadn’t yet. 
Including that message, 3 women were contacted that evening.... Just after I had gone to bed and a suggestive photo taken in his album. All numbers saved as ‘work’ related. 
This is pre-meditated. Met online. Obtained their numbers. Saved to phone. Webs of lies spread. Different from before.
We have a great relationship. We’ve been through this before but therapy obviously didn’t help or something wasn’t dealt with. 
He’s spoken about my lack of affection & I tried my best to improve it (I believe I’ve still been protecting myself a little - & for good reason now) yet this happened when things are good. No complaints. 
He’s left the house. I’ve got the kids but stayed with friends last night. I’m numb. I’m angry. I’m sad for the children. Even he said maybe his actions show he’s given up although he said he will go to counselling either way to figure out his behaviours. 

What do I do? I think I know what the right thing is to do but every time I look at the kids my heart breaks. It’s all so very raw. This was only yesterday. We live away from family. We would need to move house, schools. It’s such a big decision to make but I’m not sure I can go through this again. The trust is gone. Can it ever be the same. I love him. I’m sad for him and his actions. 12 yrs and it comes to this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

The man is sick. He needs to join an addiction group that will hold him accountable.

Counseling won't do it by itself.

The why he's doing it is less important than the will to stop.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

jorgegene said:


> The man is sick. He needs to join an addiction group that will hold him accountable.
> 
> Counseling won't do it by itself.
> 
> The why he's doing it is less important than the will to stop.


Our friends have gone through similar & one of them does what you mentioned. Weekly. Does he deserve another try or shall I call it quits?
He’s out of the house for now whilst I try to be normal in front of the children. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

You say you love him.

If he is truly ashamed and disgusted with himself and is willing to do whatever it takes.

Otherwise he'll put a bandaid on it and eventually turn back to his tricks.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

I do love him and he truly is But we did counselling the first time... at I setting myself up for more hurt. I’m not sure I can take it :-(


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You can love him and forgive him - and still be fully justified to divorce him. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband has repeatedly failed. Unfortunately, he's learned he can get away with hurting you (because you'll cave in). 

Your husband is a very high risk. Why? because the best predictor of future behavior is his past behavior. 

The odds are against a serial cheater changing. Especially when his friends validate and minimize it. 

Plus a cheater that blames his spouse is not a good candidate for another chance. Why? because in his head it's not him - it's you. And going forward, everytime he feels the urge to cheat (or is bored or needs an ego boost) he can justify it by blaming you. In his head, it's your fault and therefore, he's not responsible for your distress.

The time he's invested in online romance etc was not 'his' time. As a husband and father it should have been invested in his wife & family. The time he spent online was stolen from his wife and kids.

Lots of people have tough childhoods and low self esteem and/or are bored - but they don't decide (among other options) to cheat. His decision to cheat is 100% about satisfying needs and living a fantasy that no wife can ever meet.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Speak to an attorney about how divorce will impact you. The first hour is typically free.

Consider filing for divorce. This mess is 100% caused by your husband. You are not to blame nor responsible for divorce. The downside of staying with him includes your kids observing you tolerating his abusive behavior (and tolerating it in their own marriages).

Inform your husband that it's entirely up to him to 'earn' another chance through his actions (not his words). And it's not up to you to give him a list of things to do or for you to build a plan for him to fix himself.

His promises mean nothing. He has until the divorce is final to prove that he has fixed himself and is a safe partner.

If you chose not to divorce, then (when talking to the attorney) ask them about a post nup to protect you if he repeats.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s a serial cheater. They rarely change and they almost always want to remain married. They don’t want to give up the rush they get from someone new but neither do they want to give up the comforts of home. In other words, they want it all and they feel entitled to have it. Nothing (IME) stops them. They are the worst of the worst cheaters. 

I stayed far too long (decades) with a serial cheater and I don’t recommend it. They will promise you anything to keep you from divorcing them but they very rarely keep those promises. Why? Because sooner or later the pull of someone new will just be too strong for them to resist. You can never trust them and that makes for a very difficult life.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

I know. I can’t go through this again later on. 
I feel such a mixture of emotions. 
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m numb. I feel stupid that it’s happened again. I’m scared of the decisions I now have to make alone for our kids and at the same tine I feel alone & ive lost my best friend. 
im here with the kids pretending I don’t feel all of these things :-(


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your situation. It always makes my heart so sad in these situations, especially for the kids. So unfair for all of you!!! Idiot!!

It is easy for random people on the internet to tell you to leave him, but I know there is so much more decision making involved in this. Multiple lives involved.

Yet, redemption chances have been given and squandered. Chances are high he would squander them again and again. What would stop him? I have no idea. No access to the www? Not even feasible in this day and age. I hope his stupid online hoes are worth losing a loving wife and kids over, 🙄 

Did your husband online date/flirt a lot before you met and married? Does he use porn regularly that you know of?

Sending you a big warm hug from me. We here at TAM will help you try to navigate this situation if you choose to continue to post updates and questions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He is a serial cheater, its nothing to do with his past, but because he doesn't see faithfulness as important, has no boundaries, and has no moral values or integrity. Its NOTHING to do with you, how dare he blame you, but all to do with him and his appalling behaviour. Unless you want this for the rest of your life you sadly have no option but to end this marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@StevieW1 Get tested for STDs. After all, you only have his word he hasn't been physical.

See the top five divorce solicitors in your area ask for free initial consultations. This will allow you to work out which would offer you the best service


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is a serial cheater, and very unlikely he will ever change. i know you are really hurting now, but it is best to decide to move on without him. You sound as if you are still young, you can meet another who will treat you right. Once the trust is gone in a marriage, there is no marriage. He has his chance and blew it and is not worth you spending another minute on him.
For now you should

1. Do the 180 on him to get yourself emotionally stable
2. Get your ducks in a row, get a lawyer, all relevant documents copied, etc. See what advice the lawyer gives you
3. Get a counsellor/support group to help you through this
4. Tell all family and friends about what has been happening, expose him for what he is
5. take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids (how old are they?). How is he as a father? He can still be in their lives.

Do you have close friends you can lean on?
Do you work?
Does he work?


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

aine said:


> He is a serial cheater, and very unlikely he will ever change. i know you are really hurting now, but it is best to decide to move on without him. You sound as if you are still young, you can meet another who will treat you right. Once the trust is gone in a marriage, there is no marriage. He has his chance and blew it and is not worth you spending another minute on him.
> For now you should
> 
> 1. Do the 180 on him to get yourself emotionally stable
> ...


I’m 38 soon. The children are 10 and 5. He works from home and has to be back here tomorrow 😢
I’m currently furloughed. I work as cabin crew but may not be required for the rest of this year which means I might not have to worry about it until next April. I will need to find work over winter. We will need to move back to our home town. Only 30 minutes away. Friends/family there. He is a wonderful dad.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

[QUOTE="aine, post: 20148993, member: 119273

1. Do the 180 on him to get yourself emotionally stable
[/QUOTE]

Is there a thread on this? I’ve tried to search....
Starting to get ducks in a row.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

1. Do the 180 on him to get yourself emotionally stable
[/QUOTE]

Is there a thread on this? I’ve tried to search....
Starting to get ducks in a row.
[/QUOTE]



You will find the 180 list here









The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

here is a reference to the 180:
180 for Betrayed Spouses


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You said yourself you can't trust him 100%, you just can't.

Then you ask if it can ever be the same. It will never be the same, you know this already since the first time you discovered him cheating.
You are grasping for straws trying to avoid what you know to be the truth. You are in a difficult place but you know what you have to do.

Be strong.


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## GoneDoggy (May 15, 2018)

StevieW1 said:


> Hi
> This is my first post...
> 
> 12 yrs together. 10 yrs married. 2 children.
> ...


Don’t make kids be the reason you stay. As everyone’s already said, he’ll keep doing it. Kids are observant and see and here more than you think. It’s better for them to grow up with divorced but mentally healthy parents than live in a house full of tension, unhappiness, anger. 
If you decide to stay and it happens more times, they will eventually find out that they were the reason you put yourself thru the betrayal, sadness, grief.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

StevieW1 said:


> Hi
> This is my first post...
> 
> 12 yrs together. 10 yrs married. 2 children.
> ...


Don't let your kids learn it's OK to stay in a abusive relationship.

Besides the magic is gone you may love him but soon you are going to resent him, then you will pattern for them a bad marriage a dead marriage. That does just as much harm.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

BTW: He is not a wonderful dad. He may be good with your children, but he puts his infidelities before all others. He lies. He cheats. He blames others. What would you tell your daughter to do if he were her husband?


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Thank you so much for continuing to post. We are 8 weeks on. We’ve had a few counselling sessions and believe it’s an addiction.
He admits that & wants to fix things but in the next breath says if you gave me more attention maybe I wouldn’t have done those things. Still passing the blame. He can’t see the slight emotional disconnect from him has only been because of his repetitive betrayals.
I’m away from the home getting some head space. When I look at him I am numb. I just feel like I can’t be bothered. I feel like the tin man. The emotion has gone. I am not mentally prepared to undertake a lifelong road to recovery when it will inevitably come with risk and more heart ache.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

He needs to believe (bluff if necessary) that you will divorce him rather than tolerate this behavior.

First, he's an adult. Therefore, you are not responsible for managing his low self esteem. If he needs to blame someone for low self esteem it goes back before he met you - it's more likely his parents.

For sure texting is addictive. It triggers the same center of the brain as drugs. It also provides the same psychological social sensation/interaction as face to face contact. That's why you need to treat him like he's an addict (don't trust him online) - and he needs to go cold turkey because he can't resist the temptation. 

No social media, no messaging apps which allow him to delete texts. He needs to be 100% transparent 100% of the time for at least 6 months.

If his friends validate his behavior (btw: confirm this yourself) - do their wives?

If his friends truly validate this behavior, perhaps he needs to find new friends that encourage him to be the best version of himself.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Google: Understanding the 180


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Deep down he really considers it your fault. That’s what cheaters, especially serial cheaters, tell themselves. It’s “permission“ to behave as they please so whatever they do isn’t on them. My ex-husband was a serial cheater. Nothing was ever his fault. And he promised me for decades that he would repair the damage he caused and focus on the marriage, etc. Never happened.

Serial cheaters don’t want a divorce, and will fight hard to keep the marriage, but what they really want is the excitement of a shiny new toy. Their partner isn’t enough because the newness of that relationship has long worn off so they continue to look for something to offset the void in them. They are the worst cheaters of all because their insecurities control them. And they don’t really want to stop because the validation they get is more important than anything else. 

You will never again trust him — or you shouldn’t. That makes for a very tough life. And it’s nothing like marriage should be. I know because I lived that life much longer than I should have. 

You’ll have to decide what’s best for you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@StevieW1 He isn't worthy of your trust.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

StevieW1 said:


> Thank you so much for continuing to post. We are 8 weeks on. We’ve had a few counselling sessions and believe it’s an addiction.
> He admits that & wants to fix things but in the next breath says if you gave me more attention maybe I wouldn’t have done those things. Still passing the blame. He can’t see the slight emotional disconnect from him has only been because of his repetitive betrayals.
> I’m away from the home getting some head space. When I look at him I am numb. I just feel like I can’t be bothered. I feel like the tin man. The emotion has gone. I am not mentally prepared to undertake a lifelong road to recovery when it will inevitably come with risk and more heart ache.


I think it's perfectly fine for you to allow yourself to give up on this relationship. It sounds like almost from the very beginning, he hasn't been a true partner to you, and you are exactly right to realize that his recovery will be lifelong for BOTH of you, and be very risky.

He doesn't even sound like he's close to understanding himself, because the fact that he is still saying that you didn't give him enough attention, that's why he had to use his addiction to satisfy himself means he's blind to the fact that NO amount of attention would be enough to stop him from seeking gratification outside of your relationship, because it's COMPULSION that drives him, not normal human needs for companionship.

That's like someone saying they need to drink or use drugs because their spouse nags at them -- NO, that's NOT it. People use their addictions to COPE with their neediness, because they don't have the skills to cope with them in less destructive ways. He may NEVER gain those skills, which means he will always need to return to his cheating behavior to soothe himself. THAT is the reason for the high risk.

I hope that you are also in counseling FOR YOU, to help you sort all of this out, and to help you establish and enforce boundaries for yourself, to CARE for yourself emotionally, since he never really has.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Take care of YOU!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

You should decide if you really want to stay in this relationship. Personally, I would move on. But the decision in yours to make. But you should make it with your eyes wide open and with the realization that your husband has intrinsic character flaws, and he is unlikely to change his basic personality. That's why moving on is the smart move for most.


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## StevieW1 (Jun 28, 2020)

Hi guys.
I’m back for an update and re-reading your replies. I understand them more now 8 months on. 
The current situation is that he’s been in his own place for 4 months. Has been attending SA meetings plus counselling together. 
I was starting to believe things could get back on track, but now I’m thinking more along the lines of that it’s the ‘easy’ option... to just keep going. Lockdown has made it easy to flip into old ways and spending the weekends together because that’s the only option. I’ve thought about if we lived close to work/family & my life wouldn’t have to change dramatically (keep job/support from family/friends), then would I still be deciding to stay. I think not.... financially I’m fine probably even better off but my cabin crew career could suffer/end and we currently are 30 mins from any support.
I look at him and I love him. 13 yrs is a long time. But I can’t be foolish enough to be ‘in love’ with someone that continued to shatter my heart. I’m so far down there’s nowhere else to go. I can’t live with the risk for the rest of my life. I can’t believe what he says because it’s still repeated itself. The chances of change are slim. I feel bad for potentially leaving him when he needs me the most but my counsellor says that’s ridiculous. You’ve been there for 13 yrs and continued to stay after repeated betrayal. 
It’s been an emotional few days and I’ve asked for space to think and talk to my counsellor. 
I’m strong when I’m not with him, then today he dropped the children back and I back track because I do love him. It’s so hard...
X


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

The SA group is good, but, the problem with it is, YOU don't know whether he is really "doing the work" there or just turning up to meetings. 

What is happening in your joint counselling?

The chances are, he doesn't want to change. Almost nobody does. He wants a solution to "the problem" that doesn't involve him changing.


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