# Is the really deceitful of me???



## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

Ho folks,

I could do with some advice/perspective please..

I am a 35 year old happily married guy with one kid. I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 5. All is good in our marriage. Here is the issue......

Ever since I was a teen I knew that I could be attracted to both genders. I have never actually had an experience with another guy and I have always preferred to keep this side of my sexuality as fantasy. I had relationships with women prior to meeting my wife. 

I love my wife very much and I must stress that I have NEVER cheated and I would NEVER cheat on her however I have never spoken to her about the fact that I am able to be attracted to both genders. Up until now it has never worried me as I never saw it as relevant due to the fact that I am 100% committed to out marriage and have no desire to actually be with anyone else. 

I read an article recently about a guy in a similar situation and one reader accused him of deceiving his wife by not discussing it with her. This has made me paranoid. I am now wondering if I need to raise a conversation with her regarding this but am terrified that she will misinterpret it as me wanting to cheat or experiment which is SO not the case. I also worry that she will think I am closeted and using her as a cover - I know that this happens but this is not my situation at all. I also worry that I could affect the stanility of our child as I would really hate that. 

If i had ever felt the need to cheat or experiment then I would definitely have discussed it with her but this has never happened. 

Do you think I should bring it up now and am I being deceitful by not discussing it with her?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I am INCREDIBLY attracted to blonde college cheerleaders. No chance on me acting on it. I really see no good coming from telling my wife. I don't feel like I'm lying to her either.

Just a thought.

Oh, and ditto those Arabian nights type gals in the puffy pants and halter tops. With the thin veil across their faces? YUM!


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

MrK said:


> I am INCREDIBLY attracted to blonde college cheerleaders. No chance on me acting on it. I really see no good coming from telling my wife. I don't feel like I'm lying to her either.
> 
> Just a thought.
> 
> Oh, and ditto those Arabian nights type gals in the puffy pants and halter tops. With the thin veil across their faces? YUM!



MRK I do see your point and this was the way that I viewed it until recently.


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

What does everyone else think?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Firstly, where did you read the article.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_If i had ever felt the need to cheat or experiment then I would definitely have discussed it with her but this has never happened.

Do you think I should bring it up now and am I being deceitful by not discussing it with her? _

As long as the above is true, and this isn't something that preoccupies your thoughts every day, then I do not think you are being deceitfiul.


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

Sandfly said:


> Firstly, where did you read the article.


It was in our local paper - a member of the public had written in for advice and readers respond with their comments. It was probably made up nonsense but enough for me to feel paranoid about being deceitful


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Andy, I agree with MrK that there likely is nothing to be gained from telling her and the downside could be very bad. My experience is that the vast majority of people are bisexual to some degree (not 50/50 but some degree). Yet, until this becomes widely understood by the general public, it will not be believed. 

The result is that, if you tell a homosexual you are bi, he likely will resent you for "trying to pass" as being "half normal" instead of being 100% homosexual, which is how he likely will perceive you. That is, most folks perceive sexuality as a black-white issue wherein you are clearly in one camp or the other.

Hence, if you think you and other bisexual people will be welcomed into a group of homosexuals, you likely will find you are very mistaken. Instead, you probably will be viewed as a person who detests his own homosexuality and thus will be viewed with suspicion. Similarly, if you tell your views to a heterosexual, he likely will think you are a homosexual trying to pass as "half normal."


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Andy78 said:


> It was in our local paper - a member of the public had written in for advice and readers respond with their comments. It was probably made up nonsense but enough for me to feel paranoid about being deceitful


Well, there you go. I see you already know better than to live according to the general advice of a magazine or newspaper. 

It's like reading your horoscope -

Most of the 'advice' is in how we interpret it. And if we are already very sensitive to something, eg "there will be big changes for you in January" one person will read 'housemove' another 'marriage' and the next a promotion.

These advisors in general publications always try to be so black and white too, because that's what the readership wants. 

They generally are reading out of curiosity than to solve a problem they personally have. They won't sit and read a balanced argument, just to reinforce their prejudices, and get a jolly out of being 'right' - in tune with the consensus the columnist purports to stand in for.

I like the comment about the cheerleaders and Harem girls by Mr K. He's right - it's not a deception unless you're tempted to act on it. Except that cheerleaders is a bit ...er dodgy ground nowadays 

It won't surprise you to learn that few women want to hear of any perceived 'feminine' tendencies in their husbands. I wouldn't go killing her attraction by admitting to fancying men.

Sometimes I get a funny feeling around certain fellas - it's not sexual attraction, more of a 'look up to' kind of thing - still a kind of attraction. 

It would be completely pointless to ever talk about this kind of thing with a partner though. You gotta ask: what for?


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Andy,

Does your wife know EVERYTHING else about you? I mean, is this the one and only secret you have kept from her? 

If it is, if you have that much transparency and openness with her about every single other thing in your life, I would say that yes, you are being deceitful both with her and yourself. If it's not the only secret but just one of several little things you have just never divulged, then no. It all has to do with your intent. 

The only other time I would consider it a breach of trust to not tell her this is if you are aware that it is something that would be truly offensive to her in a personal or religious way. After all, she is giving you her body. On a purely spiritual level if she were to feel violated by you because of this information, then she has a right to know. Other than that, I would not worry about it.

Disclaimer: I personally am not homophobic. It would not bother me any more than finding out my husband used to be a 400 lb glutton (he wasn't). However, if you were to say that you like kiddie porn, that would be a serious violation and a deal breaker for me. Even if you never acted on it. It says something about a person's character that I would not be willing to live with.

Best regards,
Daisy


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Daisy2714 said:


> Does your wife know EVERYTHING else about you? I mean, is this the one and only secret you have kept from her?


I don't believe any man in history has ever told his wife everything about himself. 

Don't start assuming this is a normal thing to do Andy. You can be 100% sure that you don't know everything about her, not even all the most important things which you 'ought' to know about her.

But you know enough to like her and want to be with her.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Stephen Covey once wrote: "Self-awareness and self-control is the key to good relationships". 

You are already half-way 'there' by acknowledging (to yourself)this 'attraction' you have for the same sex. You've also stated that you have never acted on your attraction, nor would you cheat on your wife. That involves self-control. 

Some people simply _assume_ or _say_ that they wouldn't cheat, without really knowing themselves. Others are aware that even though they may have a lot of discipline and will-power, that there's always a possibility they could be caught off guard in a moment of 'weakness'. They take measures to protect themselves (and their spouse) from that weakness by putting boundaries in place, and committing themselves to enforcing their own boundaries. For example, if they are in a relationship/married, they may erect the boundary of never drinking alone with a member of the opposite sex. They are aware enough not to put themselves in that position. 

Actually, I have a question for you. Are you certain that you're actually _attracted_ to people of the same gender or do you simply find some of them attractive? In other words, I (being female) can look at other women and see that many of them are beautiful...but I'm not "attracted" to them. I've also seen many men who are incredibly _attractive_, yet I'm not _attracted_ to them. It takes _more_ than a pretty face and/or bulging biceps for me to be attracted to _any_ man, lol! 

Should you tell your wife? As much as we like the idea of being able to tell our spouse all of our 'secrets', I don't believe it's necessary for a healthy relationship. Some parts of ourselves we're allowed to keep ONLY for ourselves. 

Look at it this way. You've been living with this knowledge about yourself BEFORE you read that article. Unless you are uncertain as to whether or not you'd be able to keep your attractions at bay, then I wouldn't say anything about it. I don't think you're being 'deceitful' to your wife. 

Vega


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

Vega said:


> Stephen Covey once wrote: "Self-awareness and self-control is the key to good relationships".
> 
> You are already half-way 'there' by acknowledging (to yourself)this 'attraction' you have for the same sex. You've also stated that you have never acted on your attraction, nor would you cheat on your wife. That involves self-control.
> 
> ...


Thanks Vega

I am attracted to both genders there is no doubt or denial about that but I agree that it is about self control. To be honest this (self control) has never really been an issue as I have never even considered cheating so I can't say that it is something that I have had to necessarily 'control'

Thanks again for your comments


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with feeling attractions to other people, as long as you don't act on it. Gender is irrelevant IMO. Depending on how antiquated her views on homosexuality are, it could unnecessarily creep her out, or make her think less of you.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> I don't believe any man in history has ever told his wife everything about himself.
> 
> Don't start assuming this is a normal thing to do Andy. You can be 100% sure that you don't know everything about her, not even all the most important things which you 'ought' to know about her.
> 
> But you know enough to like her and want to be with her.


Sandfly,

I agree with you 100%. I was trying to make a point that it's not uncommon to keep some things private and that this is just one of those private things. I hope that's the way it came across.


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

Daisy2714 said:


> Sandfly,
> 
> I agree with you 100%. I was trying to make a point that it's not uncommon to keep some things private and that this is just one of those private things. I hope that's the way it came across.


Thanks it is good to know that people don't think I am deceitful as my integrity is very important to me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

In my Human Sexuality course that I took in college, something that stuck out to me was something from a book.. 

10% of humanity is completely homosexual, and 10% of humanity is completely heterosexual. The other 80% falls somewhere in between. 

I think there is some truth to that. I think humans are so complex and diverse that so much goes into our sexuality, that it's very likely you fall more towards the middle. 

As long as, like you've said, you have no interest in acting on them, fantasies are just that.. fantasies..


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Even though this seems to be resolved (and I agree with the general sentiment), let me throw this out there:

At this point, no, not a good idea. You've been together so long, this type of information (or really any information) coming out after 13 years could be disastrous. There's a current thread about this general subject, in which a spouse found out some information after being married a long time. In that case, the poster was furious at this stuff coming out after a long period of time, rather than the information itself. (it was a little different in that his wife had initially lied to him early on in the relationship, but regardless, many of the same principles could potentially apply here).

My opinion is that this should have been addressed early on in your relationship. It's not a "fail" that you didn't, however here you are, all these years later, with it weighing on you.

Your (at that time, future) wife may very well have taken that information and not gone any further with you. There's raging debates about whether this type of information (or lack thereof) early on in a relationship ends up with one person being married under somewhat false pretenses or not. Some people feel that they only need to fall in love with the person as how they're portrayed NOW, not what they were like in the past, and that's legitimate. Some people feel, especially when information leaks out later on, that they fell in love under false pretenses. That's also legitimate.

Personally, I would prefer my partner love me all of me, including the things that I'd rather she not know. It is important to have your potential life mate know ALL of you. And by "you", I mean YOU, not things you may have done when you were young. Those things MAKE you, but don't define you. BUT... sexuality does define you to a point, particularly in a relationship. I believe this information should have been divulged, but it's not always easy to do so. Telling your new partner you've slept with X number of people - not that important, IMO. Telling your new partner you are attracted to both sexes - potentially important.

The trick is to sort these things out into two boxes when you're new to a relationship and getting serious with someone.

Box "a", the stuff that you don't believe will ever be an issue, and your partner does not need to know. But if the potential that one of these things could come out later on, then probably a good idea to get it out of the way. If you were a male dancer at some point, this may very well come out 5 years down the road, and your wife probably would have preferred to have known. In other words, anything that could potentially embarrass her should be put out there. The # of partners you've had? Debatable. I'm of the camp that if your potential life mate asks, then answer that question honestly. If they don't ask, then you don't need to divulge this. Lies are worse than telling the truth about a touchy subject, imo. In this case, she didn't appear to have asked you what your sexual preferences were, however it probably never occurred to her, either.

Box "b", the stuff that, even though it may not be important at that point in the relationship, could rear it's head somewhere down the road. See example above. Box "b" is the stuff that you probably should tell your potential partner. If it's not important THEN, it still could be 5 years down the road.

These are purely subjective of course, but one has to use their best judgement. There are many threads about this kind of thing here, and how it's important to present yourself in the most accurate light to your partner from the beginning.

Where I stand on this particular post is that it could fall into either category. If you and your wife are together until you're both 90, and you never act on your feelings, then it won't have mattered.

If you ever fall to temptation, or this information gets out to her somehow (from another party, for example, or she catches you looking at porn, etc.) then you have an issue - and the issue will more than likely be about how she felt that this is something she should have known about, not the information on it's own.

My advice is to stand pat, and just focus on her 100%. At this point, whatever feelings/attraction you have for people of the same sex HAS to be swept under the rug - you have no choice anymore. There's been no damage done by not telling her 13 years ago, but not it's up to you to make sure there's NEVER any damage done.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> In my Human Sexuality course that I took in college, something that stuck out to me was something from a book..
> 
> 10% of humanity is completely homosexual, and 10% of humanity is completely heterosexual. The other 80% falls somewhere in between.
> 
> ...


This reminds me of a quote from Silvio Berlusconi, the ex Italian Prime Minister well know for party-ing with prostitutes and sex-scandals:

"All of us have a homosexual side to us... which I also have. The only thing is that, after a profound examination, I have realised that my homosexual side is a lesbian."

Not that funny, but you know...


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

Thanks guys. I can see why some people think I shoukd have told her early on but it just never seemed to matter or seem relevant. My main worry if I told her now is that she would think there was more to it and that I wanted to cheat. We aren't the type of couple to discuss fantasies etc so I really don't howitzer would begin to raise this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Keep it to yourself since you have no plans of acting on it. Just like you don't tell your spouse about all your fantasy's because some things are just better kept to yourself.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Andy78 said:


> Thanks guys. I can see why some people think I shoukd have told her early on but it just never seemed to matter or seem relevant. My main worry if I told her now is that she would think there was more to it and that I wanted to cheat. We aren't the type of couple to discuss fantasies etc so I really don't *howitzer *would begin to raise this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 You've got a really aggressive autocorrect function at work on your phone.

Howitzer on earth did it think that was the word you wanted?

Women assume ... because _they _only say these sort of things if they're trying to drop massive hints... that therefore if _you _say something like this, it must be a 'hint'. 

She'll then come up with all sorts of conclusions about why you said what you said, what the 'agenda' is.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

browneyes74 said:


> In my Human Sexuality course that I took in college, something that stuck out to me was something from a book..
> 
> 10% of humanity is completely homosexual, and 10% of humanity is completely heterosexual. The other 80% falls somewhere in between.


I can guarantee either that book was written by a chick or the class was taught by one. There is NO WAY you will get 80% of men to admit they have any desire to suck a fat one. NO WAY. Do I wonder what it would be like? Of course. But I also wonder what it was like for that guy who jumped out of a space capsule 200,000 feet in the air, but I have ZERO desire to do it.

Quite frankly, I truly believe "bisexual" men are really homosexuals who have been conditioned by society to desire females, but their homosexuality never leaves them.

Women are a different story. Their sexuality is a little more fluid. Source: Dr. Drew on Loveline. (Well, actually Adam Carolla, who is a comedian, but Dr. Drew agreed with him)


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

It makes me feel unimaginably sad to think that my SO is secretly lusting after men, blond cheerleaders, or anyone else for that matter. To think that I don't really know him, will never really know him, and that I'm just to be placated, so he can continue his peaceful little existence while I remain ignorant of his true thoughts and feelings makes me feel like the relationship is a lie, and I'm better off drifting away. Or at least that it doesn't matter if I do.

Maybe that's an overreaction, or maybe it's just me, but that's my honest response.


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

@always alone.. Thanks for your response and I really do respect your honesty. 

Don't you think that there are some secret or secret thoughts going in most relationships. I am sure that there are guys that my wife lusts after but she has never told me this, I just assume it happens. I don't feel that this takes anything away from our relationship. 

I know that my situation is a little more complex but I totally refuse to accept that out relationship has been a lie. In fact, it has been the best thing I have ever had - We love each other and have a wonderful child. I would hope that if I did every disclose this to her then she would also see this although I imagine that it may take some time for things to settle down!!!!


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

MrK, you literally made me laugh out loud! And that doesn't happen often!

B/c you're right.. Adam Corolla.. the epitome of the sexpert. In anyone's book, really.. I mean, is that even debatable? 

And psst, no, the point was that NO one would admit to it. Made it a very interesting discussion in class, and I have to say that at age 21, I was very firmly in the "I'm the 10% or right there" camp.. And, as I get older, I see what they mean.. Men are more conditioned to deny that aspect. It led to a whole debate on why female/female partnership is less taboo, and even a sexual fantasy of men, and men/men is SO taboo.. It was very interesting, but that's a completely different post


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## Andy78 (Jan 5, 2014)

browneyes74 said:


> MrK, you literally made me laugh out loud! And that doesn't happen often!
> 
> B/c you're right.. Adam Corolla.. the epitome of the sexpert. In anyone's book, really.. I mean, is that even debatable?
> 
> And psst, no, the point was that NO one would admit to it. Made it a very interesting discussion in class, and I have to say that at age 21, I was very firmly in the "I'm the 10% or right there" camp.. And, as I get older, I see what they mean.. Men are more conditioned to deny that aspect. It led to a whole debate on why female/female partnership is less taboo, and even a sexual fantasy of men, and men/men is SO taboo.. It was very interesting, but that's a completely different post


I definitely agree that men are more conditioned to resist these attractions. I don't agree with what MRK said about all bi men being homosexuals in denial. I am sure that it happens in some cases but I don't think it is so bizarre to accept that people can be attracted to both genders.


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