# Do We need a Therapist or a Coach or? Fetish/Fantasy Fulfillment BDSM



## bob7220 (Jul 13, 2010)

This is long, sorry, but I want to make sure I'm completely understood...


41-yo male. Been married for 12 years. A couple years prior to getting married I found myself interested in Dominance and Submission roleplay (me being submissive.) I run two businesses and handle all the complicated responsibilities and decisions in both my businesses and our personal lives (planning vacations, incestments, etc.) I've found being dominated is excellent 'down time' where I let someone else "do the driving" so to speak - it is very therapeutic for me. I've also developed some other fetishes since being married, but they all seem to revolve around being controlled such as forced panty sniffing and even I've found hypnosis to be a potentially fantastic addition. 

My wife and I have had a good sexual relationship, better than most the married couples I know as far as I can tell, and she knows of my fetishes. However, although she has never refused to participate, she doesn't have the same enthusiasm for them, or maybe more accurately, she doesn't have the type of personality then gives her the self-confidence she needs to think she can participate to the level that satisfies me. In a nutshell, although she is open to my fetishes and they don't bother her per say, she's not very comfortable with engaging in them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not some selfish bastard. I'd only wish to have something other than "vanilla" sex maybe once every 4 or 5 times we have sex. But it seems like it is once every 8-10 times and it always falls short of my hopes - although I don't express that as to not hurt her feelings, I think she knows I'm not completely satisfied anyway.

To make matters more difficult, she herself doesn't have much out of the ordinary (at least that I know of) that she desires so there's not much opportunity for give and take regarding fetish fulfillment. This makes me feel very shy/guilty for asking for more than the ocassional 69 position or very rare light bondage and/or facesitting, etc. etc. 

As years have gone by the marriage has lost some luster as pretty much every marriage does, especially with kids at home. Other aspects of my life have become very stressful and the sex/fetish fantasy fulfillment is a huge release for me in coping with the stress. As a result, I have started to feel more disappointed that we're not walking a little more on the wild side. These outside stresses have effected me and the marriage (careers, finances, and feeling inequity in the general overall responsibilities of taking care of the family) to the point we are seeing a marriage counselor. We didn't go to the counselor due to sex issues but the more I think about it, the more it may be an underlying cause of discontent with myself that is in turn effecting the relationship. Currently , the major thing though we are working on with the marriage counselor is better communication as that seems to be the major source of our marital issues and interestingly after 6 sessions, we haven't even discussed this sex mismatch issue. But communication has improved and that has improved the relationship - hence the recent more frank talk about sex and fetishes/role play, etc. which brings me here today.

My wife and I discussed it more today and I really came out with how I was feeling and that I'm really tired of feeling lonely by trying to satisfy my desires through fantasy when I'm not really looking for anything totally crazy, and she agrees it isn't totally crazy which is why she's never flat out said no, I'll never do that. We love each other and she loves me to the point today she said if I though we should see a sex therapist she would be fine with that - repeat, SHE suggested a sex therapist might be a wise option, not me. But is a sex therapist really what we need? I mean, we both are still turned on by each other and have no problem making each other have an orgasm, and our frequency is probably 2-3 times a week which blows away most of our other married friends?

It seems to me maybe doing a couples sessions with a professional Dominatrix is more what we need than a Sex Therapist but I know she would be very apprehensive about seeing a Pro Dominatrix (maybe not though - I may be surprised). Or am I off base about the typical roles a Sex Therapist plays? It seems what we need is coaching while actually performing the various activities as opposed to talking about how one another feel, or maybe talk first, coach second? 

Anyone been in this situation? Anyone can suggest what might be the most efficient use of our time and/or money regarding getting some help? I've bought her a couple books and videos, all the necessary props, etc., but she seems to lose interest or possibly even forgets all the things we have!

Help!


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I would suggest looking into some good BDSM training. You may not know what you could uncover and I would also suggest both of you training on being dominant and submissive. It might not sound exciting for you to dominate, but learning both sides of the fence would give a much better understanding of what each side goes though which would also help your communication with each other. It might not be that your wife doesn't like it, perhaps she is just unsure of herself in the dominant role, and perhaps you haven't hit on the right scenes for her to truly throw herself into.

Most local BDSM groups will have some sort of resources in regard to training. Just make sure it stays professional and within bounds of what you are both comfortable with in your marriage.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

bob7220 said:


> Anyone been in this situation? Anyone can suggest what might be the most efficient use of our time and/or money regarding getting some help? I've bought her a couple books and videos, all the necessary props, etc., but she seems to lose interest or possibly even forgets all the things we have!


I'm in your wifes shoes Bob. My wife has sexual appetites that go into BDSM. For her, it's bondage and humiliation (she is the beta). I on the other hand am plain vanilla, i'd be happy with school girl outfits or a stripper costume. It wasn't easy, nor is it strictly natural for me to humiliate my own wife for her own pleasure. It goes against my very nature saying those words to your wife in bed! The bondage part is a bit easier for me, as I do get enjoyment from that. Luckily, she's not too much into pain, just a bit. Even that part I can kind of see, because the right kind of "pain" can make pleasure that much more intense. 

As far as domination, I am by my very nature a Alpha person, so it's no stretch for me. I usually have to work on separating my wife's bedroom persona from her real life persona. If I tried ordering her around, or calling her a CU** outside of the bedroom she'd let me have it.

You have to understand for most of us, we want to give pleasure how we want to receive it. For someone with BDSM leanings, that curve goes beyond the norm. It's much, much easier to be comfortable with BDSM (if you don't have those natural leanings) if your role matches somewhat closely what you are in real life. In my case, it wasn't too much of a stretch for to be an Alpha, because it's close to my base personality. If my wife ever asked me to be a sub though, I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I could not be dominated and like it or enjoy it. 

In a way you may be asking your wife to act against her very nature. If your asking her to fill a dominating role and she's naturally a sub, it will be really hard! I think it's also easier for a guy in a relationship who is not BDSM leaning to learn to enjoy it more then a woman who is not. Most guys by our very nature will do pretty much anything for sex.  Where as most women need that emotional attachment in order to be rarin to go for sex. Hell, even my wife with her BDSM leanings needs to feel that emotional tender attachment before in order for that BDSM sub role of hers to surface (it is a very interesting transformation!)


----------



## BoBlaze (Aug 11, 2010)

Hi Bob
I can help!

Please visit my website at AlternativeLifeCoach.com*|* Bo Blaze – The "Alternative Life Coach"

I am a BDSM educator for many years and I've helped many people in your situation.

I'd love to talk to you, please call me for a free consultation.

regards
Bo Blaze
AlternativeLifeCoach.com*|* Bo Blaze – The "Alternative Life Coach"
[email protected]


----------



## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

It never hurts to try something once.

I would suggest that you discuss it further with your wife about speaking with an experienced BDSM coach for both educational purposes and insight on what pertains to different levels of bondage and play. She may not be too into it because she perceives BDSM play as something strange or involving pain. Some education from someone experienced may get her interested. I do want to add this: If she tries it once and is really not into that kind of play, don't push it anymore. Try to find something in-between at that point like fuzzy handcuffs and tease play.


----------



## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Your situation is a fascinating parallel to mine, although I'm the wife of a man who is extremely dominant in his daily routine and who gets off on playing the submissive role in the bedroom. When we first met I neither knew nor really suspected this. He was pretty quick to point out some of his milder kink and I found it fun to play with. It wasn't until we were married that I saw his sexually submissive nature.

We went through a real sexual trough in the second and third year of our marriage and at times were only having sex maybe twice a month. When we started to talk about fantasies together, things really began to change. At the outset I was very uncomfortable playing the dominant role because I didn't understand it. I thought it was about giving out beatings, which I really didn't understand or like, and I could never really grasp the whole bondage thing either, which he didn't really want anyway.

Ultimately I discovered that his playground, if you will, is really much more psychological. Over the past few months I have really grown into the more dominant partner in the bedroom, actively playing with the scenarios and fantasies we talk about. I talked with a professional Dominatrix who told me that I am letting him "top from the bottom," but the truth is I really don't care - we're having more fun in the bedroom than we ever have before and that's all that matters to me. 

I agree with Resonance that you don't want to push her in directions she really doesn't want to go. My H and I have fantasies that we talk about and play at the edges of, but we are very clear about the lines that we absolutely, positively will not cross (such as bringing someone else into the bedroom).

For me the key was letting my H talk about the things that he wanted and really reassuring him that I didn't think he was crazy (even though at times I was a little freaked out). There is a powerful intimacy between us now that I don't think we could have achieved without some of these games... and although sexually he is definitely my little pet now, I see him as even more of the powerful, strong, real MAN that I married than I ever did before.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Other aspects of my life have become very stressful and the sex/fetish fantasy fulfillment is a huge release for me in coping with the stress.


I don't want to overanalyze any one statement but that one kind of caught me.

I run a business too and carry a second job and am going through a divorce. Beleive me, I get what you are saying about needing some sex to think straight once in awhile. I am reminded of the scene in Pretty Woman where Richard Gere is in the hottub with Julia Roberts and he says something like,

"This was much better than any therapy I spent money on. . .all I learned there was how to say, "I am angry at my father." See? I can say it - I am angry at my father."

So, I get it - the stress thing.

But then again, your wife isn't a prostitute either (and not saying you were saying that or even subconsciously thinking that - Richard Gere in that movie was just representing the prototypical successful male - men feel like when they reach age 40 and/or 50, well. . .where are all those Playboy models we were supposed to get? They aren't here!)

Not for nothing, sex is a release and it is a necessary part of human health and anti-aging as I like to post around here. 

But something tells me you are getting too hung up on this fetish and feeling like if you don't get it, well. . .I'm not going to be happy and fulfilled.

That doesn't smack of mental health to me.

I don't know what I am exacty trying to say but I think adult play like this should be spontaneous and fun. Conversely, I do think a sex life should be a little more than just the missionary position 2-3x/week too.

ANd I thought the poster above noted a great observation - men (probably like women) - our biggest sex organ is our brain. Your wife could go a long way in just recognizing that and as long as she played into that - she could have an immense build-up for 6 months before the physical release (well, not really - again exagerrated to make a point).

I don't know. . .I think a moderate compromise is necessary here. Maybe every so often your wife could play "Julia Roberts" in exchange for something else - but operative phrase - every once in awhile.

Or else the money left on the nightstand in the morning isn't going to go over well. 

Good luck - I think this is workable as it sounds like you have a good foundation to start with.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

And if anyone in the forum knows when the Playboy models are showing up in my life to have sex with me (as when I was 15, I set that as a goal - "Yeah, I am going to have sex with these women!") please drop me a private message.

I may have missed the memo as to what's causing the delay.

And flying cars too. . .we were all supposed to have that by now.


----------

