# helping him heal



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. Several times a year he will experience a major trigger that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He needs to see a licensed counselor or therapist for PTSD.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

dutchess said:


> I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. Several times a year he will experience a major trigger that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


You had an affair, you rugswept it.. You thought wrong about holding back the truth. You basically robbed him of another 15 years with you being less than honest. 

15 years later, you dropped a bomb on your husband.. and now any trust he's built up over the last 15 years is gone. You just want him to say "awesome, because it's 15 years later, it doesn't hurt now"? Not only does he have to deal with whatever you told him, he has to deal with the fact that you've been holding it for 15 years, and 15 years ago he might have told you to take a hike had he known the truth. That was a selfish move, so the unselfish move now is to not worry about what you want, and what you need.. worry about letting him figure out what he wants and he needs. Now that you've once again turned his world upside down.

He'll probably never feel like the only man for you if he can never trust you.. and if you continue to trickle truth him, spreading it over decades... He's going to have difficulty believing anything you say. Take the person above's advice, get him to IC and/or MC soon please.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

dutchess said:


> I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. Several times a year he will experience a major trigger that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


He's had 15 years of not knowing the truth and only a few days of full disclosure (to take you at your word). It will take him time. The main thing is to convince him that you are not hiding anything any longer. Then counseling if necessary.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Everyone is right IC for him and MC for you both. Holding back the truth for 15 years may have been good for you but not for him. This is fresh and raw again.

Make appointments for both of you. Be prepared for his ups and downs. And make sure that he now knows it all and you have not pulled anything back.

Good Luck to both of you.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

God been almost 2 years for me I hope I am not suffering after 15 but I know there will still be some of that pain.

Every time new information comes out 1 day after dday or 15 years later it is a new wound, much of the work you have done to help him heal these last years was torn down again by this new stuff. Hopefully it can rebuild quickly but yeah IC or MC may be good, I was in IC a few years before dday just haven't gone back need to, MC not covered by insurance and too expensive so we try on our own.

Maybe try to get away for a weekend I always feel better when it's just the two of us helps regain focus and there is no better way to make me feel important than to keep me naked in bed for a few days and prove it.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

This is a huge part of why I decided to end my R and proceed with divorce. 15 bloody years.


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

with the Little information we have about your case is difficult to advice you.

example, What is provoking the triggers? many times is recomended even to sell the house and move (if the affair had place in the house or if the OM is near the propierty) and in extreme cases even to move to another city.

I have hear of many cases that where this kind of changes were a decesive factor to complete the healing process of the BS.

also toxic influences, do you have contact with any person who knew about the affair or allowed it while it was happening?

as other users have mentioned it IC and MC can be also determinant factors in the healing process.

but wihtout details of the whole affair is a difficult to advice more that just superficial knowladge


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Write him a timeline and diary of the affair. 

Write an agreement for him, that if you cheat again, he will not pay alimony, discuss the property settlement and any child custody issues.

Hopefully you used protection. If not get tested for stds. Have any children tested to show him that he is the father.

When you cheated 15 years ago, and deceived him for 15 years, you used energy to cheat, your brain to lie and deceive. Did you tell him about the OM? Have you gone NC with the OM? Have you told the OM to never ever contact you? 

Make sure you do not defend the OM, especially after all this time. 

Did you do anything with the OM that you would not do with your H? He will trigger if you try to fix that now. So do something for him that you did not do with the OM. 

And use your brain, show him that he was never number 2 to the OM. How can you do that? You know him better than I do. What does he like? What have you told him about the OM and why you cheated? Do something to show him that he always was your number one and that the POSOM was never number one. How can you do that? Do not cheat on your H!

oops , too late. But with your brain, your can think of something. If he cheated on you, what would you want him to do for you to show you that you were always number one in his life? Let us know what you do to show him he is your number one. And no secrets anymore in your marriage.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have been where your husband is. About the same length of time, too.

And it does hurt.

You have made it worse for your husband by telling him all this stuff too damn late.

It's like you cheated on him again.

He will, at this point, require counselling.

Can you please share some of the story with us? Such as: Why the affair happened, did your husband know your affair partner, etc.

Such information will help us offer you informed advice.


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

I have had no contact with the OM since the cheating event. I told my husband two days later about it, but did leave some details out. During this latest trigger over the weekend I did some research on helping a spouse heal from infidelity and the advice was to be totally transparent. I truly thought I was sparing his feelings by not giving all details. I understand that by coming clean so late I have destroyed whatever faith he had in me. It is like I did it all over again. By looking at it that way its like I'm asking for a third chance. I'm not sure he's willing to do that. My husband's triggers can come from seeing something on TV but almost always come from the feeling that I am not doing everything in my power sexually, emotionally, and physically to make it up to him. 
During these 15 years we have moved out of state, bought a house and had six children. He loves me and I love him, but I fear that I have not done enough. I want him to be happy and for he and I and our family to stay together.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It really looks like you two really tried to sweep it under the rug, a couple of books and you moved on.

Yep triggers can come from anywhere. TV is the worst but it could be a hotel you drive by or that was the kind of car you drove to see him. This is tough to nail down. Really you both need to talk this out with a good MC.

Without getting into details was their something you did with this other man that you do not do with your husband? Or is it perceived that you were more open with the OM then your husband.


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

It's these stories that are a total R killer. I fear this more than I fear my stbxh cheating on me again. I honestly do. 

Wow. I don't even know how you go about fixing this. You basically robbed him of 15 years. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe what has happened here. While you may have bullcrapped your BH, please don't try that tactic here.

You didn't tell the entire truth... TO PROTECT YOURSELF!

I am so tired of WSs saying that they did it to protect the BS. NOOOOOOOO you did not. Just as you lied and did whatever it took to maintain the affair, you did the same to maintain your family. In the end, it was ALL ABOUT YOU!

My heart goes out to your husband. I really hope and pray that he finds the strength to do whatever is right for him.

PS - out of curiosity, what details did you leave out the first time around? Did you just claim an EA when it really was a PA? Did you claim a ONS when in fact it was a LTA? What was it that was soooo worth damaging your BS all over again?


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dutchess said:


> There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."



Does he feel like this because you did nothing or is it inspite of what you did for him ?

What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ?


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Again, you said that this weekend was the when you came "completely clean", sooo..... what did you leave out the first time around?


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

dutchess said:


> There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."




I might feel this way to if you had continue to lie about the details for 15-years. Withholding the information is the same as lying.

I'm not trying to be mean. Just factual. I hope you can get a sense for your H's feelings. Trust is a big issue and now he's probably wondering if he'll find out more details that you are holding back in another 15-years.

I absolutely agree with other's suggestions about counseling. Please consider writing him a timeline of the affair and continue to answer his questions completely and honestly. He's dealing with your affair and 15-year deception

Good luck to you both
WD


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ? 
Today 01:10 PM 
I thought that by being a supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. that would be what he wanted. I have continually failed to be the sexual aggressor that he so desperately needs. He has come to me with unconventional sexual requests that I have not always embraced. We have done those things but he feels that he always has to ask for them. I have not been the initiating party almost all of the time. Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place."

This situation probably makes your BH feel like he has been permanently robbed of a special closeness and even the opportunity for those connections because of the actions of you and OM.

It is a lasting and unending area of damage to your intimacy as a couple.

I can only imagine how furious it makes him that you took this special part of your lives and gave it away for nothing to some POS.

I think you should make extra efforts on this issue to put it to rest.


----------



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

....this thread had ME triggering!! The details / circumstances and similarity ....is nearly the same for me. 

....wife had ONS 18 yrs ago ...with the help of a completely incompetent MC, shoved a whole lot of dis-information down my throat to make it a quick 'gloss-over' of her actions (including ....putting blame on me too). Wife held back info to, supposedly not hurt me any further ...and to protect the OM.

...last year ...a whole bunch of her initial story fell apart ...new details arose ...and 18 years later or not ...I'm right back in the initial d-day mode with a fully ripped open and bleeding heart.

....only now ...her deceiving me ...almost feels more painful than the infidelity.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....this thread had ME triggering!! The details / circumstances and similarity ....is nearly the same for me.
> 
> ....wife had ONS 18 yrs ago ...with the help of a completely incompetent MC, shoved a whole lot of dis-information down my throat to make it a quick 'gloss-over' of her actions (including ....putting blame on me too). Wife held back info to, supposedly not hurt me any further ...and to protect the OM.
> 
> ...


Only now you have 18 tainted years to deal with too. I'm truly sorry this happened. Dutchess: please take note.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

There is a woman on this board that has been dealing with a problem like yours for 30 years. She still posts here but took down her OP. I found it quoted several times by other people but I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to repost it. She is still with her husband and he posts here too. Maybe they will see your post.

There is a second woman called "Tears" that was divorced right away.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

These women had several things in common:

1.	They loved their husbands and were good mothers

2.	They didn’t go looking for another man

3.	They were invited to lunch by someone they barely knew

4.	He was a cute player type

5.	The OM invited them to his apartment.

6.	One thing lead to another and they had a nooner one time.

7.	They regretted it right away

8.	They told their husband the truth

9.	The husband would have never known if the wife had not confessed.

10.	The women were not drunk and didn’t know why they did it

11.	For some reason they just did what the OM wanted, it was kind of an out of body experience

It sounds as if you have some things in common with these ladies.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This has triggered me, too. Damn.

It is as if you have cheated on him again.

Get him professional help, as soon as you can.

Maybe we can help him at TAM?


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

dutchess said:


> What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ?
> Today 01:10 PM
> I thought that by being a supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. that would be what he wanted. I have continually failed to be the sexual aggressor that he so desperately needs. He has come to me with unconventional sexual requests that I have not always embraced. We have done those things but he feels that he always has to ask for them. I have not been the initiating party almost all of the time. Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place.


were you more sexually aggressive with the OM?


----------



## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Dutchess, My wife had an affair 30 years ago. I triggered for 30 years and probably will for the rest of my life. I went into deep depression every year. Usually it would last anywhere from a week to 3 weeks. I felt my wife was never remorseful. I now know she was however even though I knew all the details, we pretty much rug swept the affair and really never came to terms with it. There are very subtle differences that can make a difference. I sent her the link to the following book: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf she read it and it really helped her see what the BS needs to hear. It is a very short prescriptive book but right on the mark.

I do not want you to think I have had a miserable 30 years. Quite the contrary. Mrs. Adams and I love each other more than ever and are completely committed to each other. Even though it is painful, you did the right thing to fill in the details. I understand you were trying to protect his feelings. I know my wife was completely honest and answered every question. However, the truth was worse than my imagination. The truth of what you told him probably put him in shock.

I am sure your husband loves you. He just has so much spinning around in his head. If you read the book and put it in practice it will help him heal. I think had we found that book earlier I would have healed quicker. Best of luck.


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

dutchess said:


> I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. Several times a year he will experience a major trigger that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


The only real option is for your husband to leave you.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

dutchess said:


> There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."


Dutchess, just wondering if you have male friends that you hang with or confide in (not implying anything affair-like here). If you do maybe your H thinks that you have inappropriate boundaries, hence he does not feel special. One thing that helps a betrayed spouse is to actually see the WS set and enforce marriage-protecting boundaries (as in a no-contact letter to the affair partner). Just a thought.


----------



## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

dutchess said:


> What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ?
> Today 01:10 PM
> I thought that by being a supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. that would be what he wanted. I have continually failed to be the sexual aggressor that he so desperately needs. He has come to me with unconventional sexual requests that I have not always embraced. We have done those things but he feels that he always has to ask for them. I have not been the initiating party almost all of the time. Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place.


Why are you speaking in circles?


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I am as judgemental of cheaters as just about anyone who posts on C W I. but I'm willing to set that aspect aside and try to give you some suggestions on how to get past this with your H. the problem though is that you seem unwilling to give us the details we need to help you. E.g. was the other man more attractive than your husband. Were you more attracted to him than to your H?

We are after all anonymous, and there are ways to protect your identity even more if you post in the PRIVATE section. So I think the risks of you sharing more info are pretty small. Otherwise we are are pretty helpless to help you.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dutchess said:


> What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ?
> Today 01:10 PM
> I thought that by being a supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. that would be what he wanted. I have continually failed to be the sexual aggressor that he so desperately needs. He has come to me with unconventional sexual requests that I have not always embraced. We have done those things but he feels that he always has to ask for them. I have not been the initiating party almost all of the time. Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place.


No issues for him other than sex ?

What is the deviant behavior that you exhibited during the affair ?

Was the affair a one time thing ?

Look, if you need help or opinions, you need to put the details out there...Write it all out in a couple of posts...


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You should have helped desroy om's life. Too late now. 

Frankly, this is one of the reasons why i did not reconcile. He likely feels he should have left, and. by now he would be healed.

You must now initiate sex. Leave him love notes every day. Take him out on dates. Cook his favorite meals. Always defend him and become very protective of him. Try to avoid anything that could trigger him. And spoil him rotten.

There is a chance it still will may not work. The fact is unless you confessed and ended it voluntary , he was your plan b.

Honestly, you should not need advice on this. It should come from the heart.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm sorry that its like this for him. You weren't as honest as you could be. Holding back is just a way for you to protect or a better word damage control. He will never stop triggering. No matter how much you talk or counseling. Counseling is meant for better ways of copingand better avenues for communication pre-affair or to work through those walls we build out of resentment. Been their, got the shirt. Myself, someone tears my heart out, I want you to leave. If you "R" with him it will be a lot to deal with if you really do love him, bottom line, heavy lifting is required. No other way. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Dutchess....I think Graywolf2 was referring to me. I have placed my story on my profile so you can read it there.
> 
> I will gladly "talk" to you through private message if you have specific questions.


May I say here that you and JA are the kind of success story that we here at TAM need to hear. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Mrs. Adams. I read your story on your profile. Wow, what you two went through together! Although I've said it before in some of my posts I'll say it again: Us old guys love a happy ending. God bless you both.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Dutchess,

You had sex with another man... You have NEVER made your husband feel special. Do SOMETHING special for him!

Buy some sexy, naughty lingerie, rent a hotel room, indulge him in a fantasy or 5 and be sexually aggressive to him. Make him feel like he is deisred as a man. He can take care of business... That is husbandry but make him feel like you can't keep your hands off him because you can't! That is what he wants from you at least once. He feels you gave that to the OM, but not him.

To hell with you cleaning and doing the dishes. He wants a woman! He can hire a maid servant. Make him feel special and be extremely sexually aggressive until you fail for the sake of exhaustion.

Stop being so damn dense!  Make him feel like he is your MATE so MATE with him long and hard! He can be your husband the other 364 days of the year but you need to just put away your sexual shyness and attack him. That will get his healing going a bit!

You need to make him feel like he is worth having an affair for. You need to go the Extra extra distance and effort for him! Or not... let him wallow in the pain of his self doubts...


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Moving Ahead put it very well. If you want to help him heal it needs to be about him and not about your issues. Put him first and let him know that you really want him


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

So... are we ever going to get to what was so important/deviant/horrible about the details that you had to hoodwink your BH into false R for 15 years? You seem to be evading that question....


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

dutchess said:


> There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."


Firstly, don't know how he expects you to make him feel special with 6 kids under the age of 15 in the house. That would take some doing as you must be exhausted at the end of the day when he gets home. 

Secondly, bring him here to TAM and let him learn from other men who have been cheated on. Give him that great gift to prove you would really do anything to help him heal.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I had anger and rage built up from my XW's affair. It took me divorcing her, and staying away for about a year before I could finally look at her and now have my emotions flare up. 

She also told me about the affair, and told me everything fairly quickly. She did trickle truth, but it was over a course of months, not years. 

Now, I am currently still living with my XW. and I am very happy with her. So it is not impossible for you both to get out of this. But from what you've told us, it is going to be a long road. 
I had a lot of pain built up. But it wasn't all from 1 person, and it wasn't 15 years worth of resentment built up. So you are going to have to play catchup. 

As for your husband, he wants you to want him. And that is not just limited to sex. 
For example, yesterday I woke up to breakfast in bed. Complements from the XW/SO. And it was so cold yesterday my car wouldn't even start, so no work for me. So it was a very long breakfast. 
It is little things that show us, you care. That you still value and love us. Otherwise, we start to wonder "Why are we even with you?"


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> So... are we ever going to get to what was so important/deviant/horrible about the details that you had to hoodwink your BH into false R for 15 years? You seem to be evading that question....


OP may not wish to disclose this because it might be very personal. 
But do understand, it will help with the advice being given.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Some people think just having sex with your husband will make it all better. It might help, but it might not. 

Cuddle him, love him, make him his favourite meals. 

However there's something your husband has that the OM never had from you. Six children. 

And if that is worrying him, DNA tests might help put his mind at rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dutchess said:


> He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one.


He must have sensed over 15 years that he wasn't being told the complete truth. And he was right. Of course he is going to feel this way.




> Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage.


Honestly, you did. Even if he never files for divorce, you forever ruined it. The choice is either divorce now, or live with the triggers. 15 years of pretty much being lied to didn't help.




> I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


As a man that was betrayed by his wife I divorced her because I honestly can't think of anything she could have done to make me feel like the only man for her. That's the problem with staying with a cheater. You know that at least one time, and possibly in the future, you aren't going to be the only man a cheater wants.

I divorced her because it was the only way for me not to be in pain. I had to get rid of the source.

However, if I were to have stayed with her, what could she have done? Honestly the only thing would be that when she isn't at work, her ass would have been home. The occasional girls nights out would be history, and she simply have to act like she loved me. But even then, there would be triggers, and that is no kind of life for someone that was cheated on.

I don't know, maybe sit him down, hold him, hold him by the face and just pour it out how you feel. Its about all you can really do. That and refrain from any activity that would throw up a red flag to him. That's about all I can think of.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dutchess said:


> What did you do for him to make him feel more appreciated ?
> Today 01:10 PM
> I thought that by being a supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. that would be what he wanted. I have continually failed to be the sexual aggressor that he so desperately needs. He has come to me with unconventional sexual requests that I have not always embraced.



BINGO. There you have it. Not that a spouse needs to give in to every sexual request, but something tells me he gets turned down more times than not. And he is probably thinking to himself, "Oh, I bet if OM wanted sex the clothes would come right off!!" Or that you were aggressive with OM when it came to sex, but not with your H.




> We have done those things but he feels that he always has to ask for them. I have not been the initiating party almost all of the time. Its not a disinterest in sex with him, I had a hard time not associating these new sexual experiences with the deviant behavior I exhibited by having an affair in the first place.


There is the problem. I'd feel the same way as him. I'd be thinking if I were the OM or a different man that you'd be more than willing, and more initiating with sex.

Now it makes complete sense. As if being cheated on isn't bad enough, you are making him feel not as desirable as the OM. And I bet if you were honest, you'd admit that you don't want sex as much with your H as you wanted it with a different man.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Philat said:


> May I say here that you and JA are the kind of success story that we here at TAM need to hear. Thank you for sharing.


There is one major difference in JA and Mrs JA's story. From what I gather, Mrs. JA likes sex with JA and is the initiator a lot of the time. And its probably the one thing that helps JA feel like he is desired and keeps the triggers from making him do something Mrs. JA doesn't want to happen.

Would this be accurate John?


----------



## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Philat said:


> Only now you have 18 tainted years to deal with too. I'm truly sorry this happened. Dutchess: *please take note*.


....all I can say ....is yes ..PLEASE TAKE NOTE ...and do the 'right' thing for him.


....I had a conversation with my wife this morning ...about the lack of details and the lies about the "story" ...and she just doesn't get it ....I fear she never will ....and my heart sinks again. Her fall-back position is always the same:


I contributed to the bad aspects of the marriage before her ONS
There's no point in me knowing ...then ...or now the name of the OM, place where they "did it", or any other details.
It's so far in the past ....what good will this serve now.
Her ONS is such a small part of our 30 yr marriage ...she's not going to let one mistake ..'define' her.

....and on I go with triggering like mad, my head not in a "clear place" ....and a suspicious and questioning nature about all things. She tells me that I use her 'mistake' as a crutch to blame all the shortcomings of my life on. And maybe I do. However, perhaps my self confidence would be so much better had I not had the stool kicked out from beneath me ...and a knife stuck in my heart while I was falling.

....don't get me wrong ...I love her to death .....and, if there is such a thing ...she's my true soul-mate. But all I want is a truthful answer to my inquiries ...and an acknowledgement of the hurt and damage she's inflicted on me.

....as noted by MovingAhead:


> Buy some sexy, naughty lingerie, rent a hotel room, indulge him in a fantasy or 5 and be sexually aggressive to him. Make him feel like he is desired as a man. He can take care of business... That is husbandry but *make him feel like you can't keep your hands off him because you can't! *That is what he wants from you at least once. *He feels you gave that to the OM, but not him*.


....all I want ..is very simple ...to feel like I'm number one ...now ...and forever.


----------



## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

vellocet said:


> There is one major difference in JA and Mrs JA's story. From what I gather, Mrs. JA likes sex with JA and is the initiator a lot of the time. And its probably the one thing that helps JA feel like he is desired and keeps the triggers from making him do something Mrs. JA doesn't want to happen.
> 
> Would this be accurate John?


Yes, Mrs. Adams is often the initiator for sex. We are equally yoked when it comes to sex. I am sure, and Mrs. Adams has often stated she would do anything for me and I do not doubt it for a moment. 

I do understand triggers though. This is something her husband will probably always live with regardless of reconciliation or divorce. The main thing she can do is provide empathy, love and compassion. If the love between them is strong enough, they can get through this.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Yes, Mrs. Adams is often the initiator for sex. We are equally yoked when it comes to sex. I am sure, and Mrs. Adams has often stated she would do anything for me and I do not doubt it for a moment.
> 
> I do understand triggers though. This is something her husband will probably always live with regardless of reconciliation or divorce. The main thing she can do is provide empathy, love and compassion. *If the love between them is strong enough, they can get through this*.


I agree. But not if she gives him the cold should while he more than likely thinks if he was the OM she'd jump at the chance for sex.

So with that, dutchess, head what they have done. It won't help him with triggers. Those will always exist. But if you want to make him feel better about the marriage, then you need to make him feel desirable.

And right now he probably feels that if OM, or another man, wanted sex that you'd give it to them more willingly than him.


----------



## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I agree. But not if she gives him the cold should while he more than likely thinks if he was the OM she'd jump at the chance for sex.


If this was the case, it would be more than I could handle.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> If this was the case, it would be more than I could handle.


It would feel like continual rejection to realize you are always placing 2nd or 3rd place to your "own wife"...


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is bad enough knowing my wife had an affair fifteen years ago. I did not know what my wife and her POSOM did together. Because I did not want to know.

If my wife were to give me the full details now, 15-16 years later, I honestly don't know if our marriage would survive that. 

Did your husband want to know all the details? Not all BS want that level of transparency. Especially so late.

Please pass my invitation on to him to join TAM.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dutchess said:


> I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. Several times a year he will experience a major trigger that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. This morning he experienced another trigger and left for work very angry. *I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. * I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


It is permanently ruined by continued selfishness. Not being truthful for many years is a toxic dealkiller for most people.

Lying by omission protects only the liar.

So how to fix this?

Counseling and no more lies!

BTW, the "fix" may very well be divorce.

You can't stage manage it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think some wayward spouses try to hide some of the details because they genuinely are concerned their faithful spouse would be even more heartbroken than they are.

And guess what? In my case knowing what my wife and her POSOM did together would have broken me. So ignorance was bliss, as far as I was concerned. Well, not bliss. But I'm sure you know what I mean.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Looks like Dutchess has left the building...


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> yes it does....this seems to happen a lot around here doesn't it? Either the person who starts the thread disappears or you have threads that hang around forever that need to go away...lol
> 
> oh well...if she comes back she has some good advice from people who actually cared.


And she helped start some rather good conversation.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Philat said:


> Looks like Dutchess has left the building...


I do hope she'll be back. Perhaps with her husband.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

You don't think she went to Pasadena, do you? Never mind, strike that!


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: helping him heal*



Philat said:


> You don't think she went to Pasadena, do you? Never mind, strike that!


:lol:


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....all I can say ....is yes ..PLEASE TAKE NOTE ...and do the 'right' thing for him.
> 
> 
> ....I had a conversation with my wife this morning ...about the lack of details and the lies about the "story" ...and she just doesn't get it ....I fear she never will ....and my heart sinks again. Her fall-back position is always the same:
> ...



H Still:
I have followed your story on several threads. You really seem to be suffering and I don't blame you. But you really have to stand up to your wife at this point with something like "honey you are GOING to answer every one of these f*ing questions or I am ready to blow up our marriage THIS WEEK"

And you should mean it. Bottom line is, if she loves you she'll respond with answers, if she doesn't she won't. If she still suppresses the information, well then I guarantee you she is no soul mate. You should cut your losses and leave her. Once you get out of this decade and 1/2 dilemma I think your self confidence will improve and you will see how easily such a "soul mate" is to replace.

I don't think you should let this fester even One more day! C'mon now........


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If you are still around at least send your hubby here for help.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

It always fascinates me when an OP stops responding and you can still see that they are online reading the responses on the same thread they started. 

Every thread I started I can't help but respond almost immediately for the first week or so. 

Not responding defeats the purpose of an honest original post. No ones even been tough on her yet.

Just sayin it's curious...


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....all I can say ....is yes ..PLEASE TAKE NOTE ...and do the 'right' thing for him.
> 
> 
> ....I had a conversation with my wife this morning ...about the lack of details and the lies about the "story" ...and she just doesn't get it ....I fear she never will ....and my heart sinks again. Her fall-back position is always the same:
> ...


She's calling it a 'mistake' because you let her. (should be calling it bad choices, bad decisions, poor boundaries etc..)

She's not telling you the truth, or being honest because you're letting her. (she's protecting her OM, and giving you the finger)

She's blame shifting you, because you're letting her. (its your fault she did something without asking you your opinion, even though you'd have said no)

She's gas lighting you, because you're allowing it. (telling you how you should feel, and that what you're feeling is wrong or made-up)

See the pattern here?


She's not owning her choices. She's not remorseful. She's still making excuses. She's still in a fog. IMO, you should leave her until she comes out of it, or you'll spend years wasted on false R. Let her spend some time away from you, to find out exactly what a drama queen you're being.. and how it's all about you over reacting and not about her trying to rug sweep the whole thing and turn the tables so she's the victim and you're the bad guy for making her cheat and then not letting her get over it.

What has she done to prove to you that she understands what she's really done? That she won't go down that path again?

If you really love her, set her free.. until she gives you what you need. If she can't do that, why live in a one way relationship where you give, and she takes.. R is a two way street, you'll see that mentioned here often. Just like 'it takes two to tango', it takes two to R....


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

dutchess said:


> There was nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse. My husband feels that I planned and made time for the OM and he does not get that same treatment. That is a major issue. He feels that over the course of 15 years since the event, I have continually failed to make him feel special and without a doubt "my man."


Oh I'm sure that information ("nothing I did with the OM sexually that I have not done with my spouse") REALLY made your husband feel special!  Obviously you're feeling remorse about what you did, but I don't think he'll EVER feel confident about your love for him. There's a lot in your story that we don't know about, so we don't really know what mental images he's dealing with.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

And while I've got you on the phone here, how did you get him to R in the first place. Did you originally make it seem like it was just a short-term spur-of-the-moment thing (while in reality it went on for months or years.)? We know nothing about your affair: Where did you meet OM? Was he a coworker, family friend, old flame, stranger off the street? How did the affair begin? Where did you have your trysts: hotels, his place, your place in you and your husbands marital bed (God, I hope not!!!), back seat of a car? And how were you able to get away from "the old man" to meet with this guy? Does your hubby feel that the OM satisfied you more sexually than he did? Did the POSOM break off the affair, basically forcing you to go back to your husband? If so, that would explain why he always feels he was your second choice. If the affair hadn't ended (for whatever reason) did you ever consider leaving your husband to be with the POSOM? It's hard to give you any constructive help when we don't know the full extent of the problem and what your husband has been dealing with.  Believe me, I do not wish you any ill will, and I hope your husband can be brought around to the fact that he IS the #1 man in your life, but it sounds like he is consumed with doubt about his position in your hierarchy of men. God, affairs, even ancient ones, are soooooo destructive. The mental images just NEVER go away.


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

I was out of town with my H for the day but have returned and read all of the posts up until this morning. I told my husband about this thread and have shared it with him. I'm not sure if he is interested in posting himself, but he has read all posts and we have discussed some of them. 
We were married when I was 18 and he was 19. We were high school sweethearts, went to prom together, he even proposed at one of my school dances. I attended the university and he went to work full time. About two years into our marriage I began working as a receptionist for a construction company and cut back on my school attendance. It was there that I met the OM. One of my duties was to get instructions or messages to the foremen on the jobs by pager and phone. I had verbal contact with him because of these duties. When the workers came back to the office at the end of the day I would see him. He was much older than me. One day during an information message on the phone our conversation took a different tone, he commented that he thought women would make good form setters. This comment wasn't that significant in what his opinion was, it was a turning point from just talking business to having more personal verbal contact. In early Dec there was a co. party where I introduced my H to my coworkers, including the OM. My H does not remember what he looked like but he does remember being introduced. Through Dec I continued to perform my work duties and whenever I had to contact the OM there would usually be some friendly/flirty conversation. At home I began to feel like I wasn't getting enough attention from my H. He liked to hunt and would spend some free time preparing for that. In my mind I selfishly thought he was spending too much time on that and not enough on me. I began to resent his interest in hunting. I did not communicate this with him at all. Instead I withdrew from him and we would argue and have tension between us. In Jan I received a note under my desk calendar from the OM. I know now that it was a feeler note to see if he might have a chance with me, the note said he hoped I was having a good day. Why did I write back?... I expressed the same sentiment back. I later received another note telling me how pretty I was and that he had noticed me. I wrote back the same thing. The next note was an invitation to meet him after work at the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. When I got home there was a note from my husband to meet him at a hotel. I went and we spent the night there together. While he was planning and carrying out a romantic night together, I was kissing someone else. A few days later there was another note again inviting me to the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. On the way home the truck I was driving lost power and I parked it on the side of the freeway. The OM had been driving behind me and he stopped to pick me up and take me home. My H saw his vehicle when he dropped me off. That Sat my husband went hunting. The OM called me for the first time outside of work and we met at a freeway rest/parking area. I got in his car and we drove out in the wild. He had sex in his car. When it was over, I was shaking and upset and he took me back to my car. He said he would call me later. I said goodbye and tried to calm down. I cried and panicked on my drive home. I took a shower, threw away my underwear and took the dog for a walk. My H was there when I got home. We went to a movie that night and I rejected him when he tried to initiate sex. My H knew something was up, he had suspected for a while. He confronted me on Monday and asked if there was someone else. I wanted to tell him before but was too cowardly. I told him then that there was someone else. He punched our bedroom mirror and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance for treatment. A few days later the OM called and my husband talked to him. There was never any contact with him again. 
My husband and I rugswept this affair and a few months later became pregnant with our first child. We had had five more since then. 
It has been in the last few years that my husband has been interested in knowing the details. I said I didn't remember them, which was untrue. I remember most of what happened. I am not always great on remembering details especially under pressure, but this could have been avoided by being transparent in the beginning. I lied to him to try to protect him not realizing that what he was imagining was potentially worse than what had really happened. The details I left out were that I did not use a condom when I said that I had. Also the details about the notes, kissing sessions, and flirting at work. 
I know that my affair was my choice. It was not my husband's fault and he was not neglectful of me. Even if he had been he did not deserve at all what happened. I was incredibly selfish and thought only of myself. I didn't mean to hurt him but I didn't consider his feelings either. I have continued to be selfish over the last 15 years by withholding information. 
My H has had enough. When I first posted I was terrified that our marriage was over. When he got home that night he tore up everything: wedding photos, gifts, took all jewelry, and tore up the wedding dress. Although his hands did the physical damage, my actions had destroyed those items long ago. I cleaned up the mess and felt relief that these items that had been such a painful reminder to my H were now gone. 
We don't want to get a divorce but things can not continue the way they have been. We have decided to treat this marriage as a new relationship. I have to woo my husband, I have to win him back. I am committed to him and to being the wife he deserves. For too long I have neglected him and let him wallow in self doubt and depression. No more. He is my one and only and I love him so much.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry tough question here and I may have missed this earlier...

Have you confirmed that your first child is your H's child?

Something I noticed in one of your earlier posts is, you said you wanted to keep your family together. While that is certainly a very good goal, please don't approach this as keeping your family together. Your family is your family no matter what. Approach this as showing the man you love that you love him and him only. That you want to keep YOU TWO together. Don't make this about kids. You were a couple before you had kids and hopefully you will be a couple after the kids are grown and gone. THIS is what you are trying to repair.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

dutchess said:


> It was not my husband's fault and he was not neglectful of me.


Side note, the above is for all those people that think there must have been SOMETHING the BS had done for the WS to stray.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

dutchess said:


> I was out of town with my H for the day but have returned and read all of the posts up until this morning. I told my husband about this thread and have shared it with him. I'm not sure if he is interested in posting himself, but he has read all posts and we have discussed some of them.
> We were married when I was 18 and he was 19. We were high school sweethearts, went to prom together, he even proposed at one of my school dances. I attended the university and he went to work full time. About two years into our marriage I began working as a receptionist for a construction company and cut back on my school attendance. It was there that I met the OM. One of my duties was to get instructions or messages to the foremen on the jobs by pager and phone. I had verbal contact with him because of these duties. When the workers came back to the office at the end of the day I would see him. He was much older than me. One day during an information message on the phone our conversation took a different tone, he commented that he thought women would make good form setters. This comment wasn't that significant in what his opinion was, it was a turning point from just talking business to having more personal verbal contact. In early Dec there was a co. party where I introduced my H to my coworkers, including the OM. My H does not remember what he looked like but he does remember being introduced. Through Dec I continued to perform my work duties and whenever I had to contact the OM there would usually be some friendly/flirty conversation. At home I began to feel like I wasn't getting enough attention from my H. He liked to hunt and would spend some free time preparing for that. In my mind I selfishly thought he was spending too much time on that and not enough on me. I began to resent his interest in hunting. I did not communicate this with him at all. Instead I withdrew from him and we would argue and have tension between us. In Jan I received a note under my desk calendar from the OM. I know now that it was a feeler note to see if he might have a chance with me, the note said he hoped I was having a good day. Why did I write back?... I expressed the same sentiment back. I later received another note telling me how pretty I was and that he had noticed me. I wrote back the same thing. The next note was an invitation to meet him after work at the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. When I got home there was a note from my husband to meet him at a hotel. I went and we spent the night there together. While he was planning and carrying out a romantic night together, I was kissing someone else. A few days later there was another note again inviting me to the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. On the way home the truck I was driving lost power and I parked it on the side of the freeway. The OM had been driving behind me and he stopped to pick me up and take me home. My H saw his vehicle when he dropped me off. That Sat my husband went hunting. The OM called me for the first time outside of work and we met at a freeway rest/parking area. I got in his car and we drove out in the wild. He had sex in his car. When it was over, I was shaking and upset and he took me back to my car. He said he would call me later. I said goodbye and tried to calm down. I cried and panicked on my drive home. I took a shower, threw away my underwear and took the dog for a walk. My H was there when I got home. We went to a movie that night and I rejected him when he tried to initiate sex. My H knew something was up, he had suspected for a while. He confronted me on Monday and asked if there was someone else. I wanted to tell him before but was too cowardly. I told him then that there was someone else. He punched our bedroom mirror and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance for treatment. A few days later the OM called and my husband talked to him. There was never any contact with him again.
> My husband and I rugswept this affair and a few months later became pregnant with our first child. We had had five more since then.
> It has been in the last few years that my husband has been interested in knowing the details. I said I didn't remember them, which was untrue. I remember most of what happened. I am not always great on remembering details especially under pressure, but this could have been avoided by being transparent in the beginning. I lied to him to try to protect him not realizing that what he was imagining was potentially worse than what had really happened. The details I left out were that I did not use a condom when I said that I had. Also the details about the notes, kissing sessions, and flirting at work.
> ...


Although I feel sick for your husband, I have respect for you after that post. I really wish you luck with your new marriage.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

dutchess said:


> I was out of town with my H for the day but have returned and read all of the posts up until this morning. I told my husband about this thread and have shared it with him. I'm not sure if he is interested in posting himself, but he has read all posts and we have discussed some of them.
> We were married when I was 18 and he was 19. We were high school sweethearts, went to prom together, he even proposed at one of my school dances. I attended the university and he went to work full time. About two years into our marriage I began working as a receptionist for a construction company and cut back on my school attendance. It was there that I met the OM. One of my duties was to get instructions or messages to the foremen on the jobs by pager and phone. I had verbal contact with him because of these duties. When the workers came back to the office at the end of the day I would see him. He was much older than me. One day during an information message on the phone our conversation took a different tone, he commented that he thought women would make good form setters. This comment wasn't that significant in what his opinion was, it was a turning point from just talking business to having more personal verbal contact. In early Dec there was a co. party where I introduced my H to my coworkers, including the OM. My H does not remember what he looked like but he does remember being introduced. Through Dec I continued to perform my work duties and whenever I had to contact the OM there would usually be some friendly/flirty conversation. At home I began to feel like I wasn't getting enough attention from my H. He liked to hunt and would spend some free time preparing for that. In my mind I selfishly thought he was spending too much time on that and not enough on me. I began to resent his interest in hunting. I did not communicate this with him at all. Instead I withdrew from him and we would argue and have tension between us. In Jan I received a note under my desk calendar from the OM. I know now that it was a feeler note to see if he might have a chance with me, the note said he hoped I was having a good day. Why did I write back?... I expressed the same sentiment back. I later received another note telling me how pretty I was and that he had noticed me. I wrote back the same thing. The next note was an invitation to meet him after work at the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. When I got home there was a note from my husband to meet him at a hotel. I went and we spent the night there together. While he was planning and carrying out a romantic night together, I was kissing someone else. A few days later there was another note again inviting me to the post office. I went and we kissed in his car. On the way home the truck I was driving lost power and I parked it on the side of the freeway. The OM had been driving behind me and he stopped to pick me up and take me home. My H saw his vehicle when he dropped me off. That Sat my husband went hunting. The OM called me for the first time outside of work and we met at a freeway rest/parking area. I got in his car and we drove out in the wild. He had sex in his car. When it was over, I was shaking and upset and he took me back to my car. He said he would call me later. I said goodbye and tried to calm down. I cried and panicked on my drive home. I took a shower, threw away my underwear and took the dog for a walk. My H was there when I got home. We went to a movie that night and I rejected him when he tried to initiate sex. My H knew something was up, he had suspected for a while. He confronted me on Monday and asked if there was someone else. I wanted to tell him before but was too cowardly. I told him then that there was someone else. He punched our bedroom mirror and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance for treatment. A few days later the OM called and my husband talked to him. There was never any contact with him again.
> My husband and I rugswept this affair and a few months later became pregnant with our first child. We had had five more since then.
> It has been in the last few years that my husband has been interested in knowing the details. I said I didn't remember them, which was untrue. I remember most of what happened. I am not always great on remembering details especially under pressure, but this could have been avoided by being transparent in the beginning. I lied to him to try to protect him not realizing that what he was imagining was potentially worse than what had really happened. The details I left out were that I did not use a condom when I said that I had. Also the details about the notes, kissing sessions, and flirting at work.
> ...


Saying you used a condom when you didn't, isn't leaving out a detail, it's a lie.. He's not seeing it as a little thing, but basically that you cheated, then you lied about it, then you continued to lie about it for 15 years by not telling him. Leaving out a detail would be not mentioning that the guy was bigger and hairier if he didn't ask.. Saying no, when the answer is yes.. that's a lie.

Don't minimize it when talking to him about it. Don't call it leaving out a detail.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Check out this thread as you'll get some good and honest input and support from posters who are reconciling/starting anew and are at various stages on the journey. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation-745.html

Good luck to you both.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....all I can say ....is yes ..PLEASE TAKE NOTE ...and do the 'right' thing for him.
> 
> 
> ....I had a conversation with my wife this morning ...about the lack of details and the lies about the "story" ...and she just doesn't get it ....I fear she never will ....and my heart sinks again. Her fall-back position is always the same:
> ...


I'm sorry, but HOW can you live with that environment. You dismiss your wife's negative actions under this canopy of "soul-mate".

I think if you pulled back a bit and looked at the full picture of everything your wife is and isn't to you, your perceptions and quantity of love would be different.

I truly feel for you. That is no way to live.

Full transparency is the cornerstone to R.


----------



## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Healer said:


> This is a huge part of why I decided to end my R and proceed with divorce. *15 bloody years.*


That was my worst fear. 15 years later and still miserable, that's no way to live. 

OP, my heart goes out to the both of you. You seem remorseful of what you have done. You wish you could take it all back, but you can't. I feel sorry for your husband as well, 15 years with this keep lurking at the back of his mind. 

Please don't ever, ever say to him that you withheld the information to protect his feelings. It is an insult to his intelligence. I am not a violent person and I wasn't hysterical when I found proofs of my STBXH betrayal, but it took sheer self-restraint not to hurl any sharp objects at him when I heard the excuses coming out of his mouth. You are wrong, just admit it, apologise, and leave it at that.


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

This is a response to russell28 post. 
Called leaving out a detail here in the post but I fully admitted and confessed to H the issue of the condom. I fully agree that it is not just a detail. All issues about the cheating should never be minimized.


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

My husband has read all the posts on this thread. I think it has helped somewhat but it has also brought to light some issues. There have been many questions that I have glossed over and not answered. Some of these were whether or not I thought the OM was more attractive or was I more attracted to him, and did I consider leaving my Husband. The OM was not more attractive, I was not more physically attracted to him, and I did not consider leaving my Husband. I still don't have a definitive answer as to why I did what I did, but I know that I liked the attention and felt like I could do whatever I wanted. It was a purely selfish act and was not a result of what my Husband did or did not do. He is not at fault at all for what I did. Any issue or grievance I may have had prior should have been addressed and communicated. It wasn't communicated. I had mentioned his love of hunting, it is not a reason for my choice. It's easy to blame the BS when trying to explain reasons for action but the truth is I am solely responsible for the choices I made. Also, I neglected to mention that the reason I joined this forum was because it was his suggestion. I have not made communication a priority in our marriage and especially in regards to this issue and have not taken the initiative the seek out resources that could be helpful to understand what happened or how I could help him heal. The things I have done have not come from my own mind. That is so painful for him because it is as if the affair has continued with me not actively seeking for ways to make him feel special. He feels unspecial not in spite of some things I have done like try to be a good wife, but rather by what I have not done like be his lover. I had posted earlier that I didn't do anything with the OM that I didn't do with my husband. That is true on a physical level, but untrue it relation to how I make my husband feel. By going with the OM, I made him feel wanted. This made my Husband feel unwanted and by not pursuing him and coming up with my own ways to try to win him back and fight for him I have continued to make him feel unwanted. It is as if the OM got my best and my H has had to settle with what's left. It kills me that he feels this way and that I have not seen that or rather have not realized the gravity of his feelings and the damage that my inactivity has caused. 
When I told my H about the affair, it was because he asked. I wanted to tell him before, but again, did not act on my own to make the truth known. I relied on him to do the heavy lifting and have continued to do that throughout our marriage. Instead of taking charge of the healing that so desperately needed and needs to happen, I have let him take the reins. This makes him feel that I don't care about him. Now that I feel I have a better understanding of his feelings and how my inactivity has affected him I can no longer allow it to continue. 
I have been wrong and selfish. I want to be with my husband, not because we should be together because of responsibilities or obligations, but because I want to be with him. I want to give him better than what I gave someone else.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are a smart person. 

You can see what this is doing to your H.

If he had the affair, would you have divorced? What would you want him to do to make you know that you are the number one in his life?

You know your H better than we do. Have you ever gone hunting with him? What can you do with your smart brain to show him with your thoughts and actions that he is and always was your number one? 

Your actions and initiation will hopefully speak volumes to him. I hope the two of you get in a better situation in the near future.


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

If the tables were turned I would not have divorced my husband. I would have been deeply hurt and very insecure about his feelings for me. I would have wanted him to make time for me and make me feel special. I would want communication during the day to know he was thinking of me. I would want him to make me forget through his overwhelming gestures of love and kindness.
I need to show him genuine acts of love and selflessness. I have hunted with him and would like to go again. I want to impress him with loving gestures before he asks for them.


----------



## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Pray for his healing, that is one of the best things you can do for him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

are going to MC or trying in any specific way to fortify your relationship?, there is a thread here in CWI that have alot of couples trying reconcilation:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

also there many books by authors like Gary Chapman that focus in, communication and rebuilding the foundation of the marriage


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Dutchess, I have a little twist on why your withholding info hurts your husband. You see not only did you have sex with the other guy, you were intimate with him. Sex is intimate, but I mean you guys had an intentionally private moment where you two were the only people in the universe, metaphorically speaking. By withholding information, you protected that intimate moment with the OM. That time was a special time between you and him and by not fully informing your H, he has to live believing that there was something magical about that encounter that you wanted to keep for yourself to enjoy. No man wants to believe that his wife had those moments with another man. By keeping secrets, you signaled that you wanted to protect those extra marital moments of intimacy between you an OM. Since cheating was a rejection of exclusive intimacy with your husband in favor of the OM, he feels second best because you protected your intimacy with OM, again choosing the OM over him. How you solve that is the battle, but step one is letting him know whether that cheating intimate time was as special as what you have with him. this is gonna be tough. sorry for typos, i'm using a tablet.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

bigfoot said:


> Dutchess, I have a little twist on why your withholding info hurts your husband. You see not only did you have sex with the other guy, you were intimate with him. Sex is intimate, but I mean you guys had an intentionally private moment where you two were the only people in the universe, metaphorically speaking. By withholding information, you protected that intimate moment with the OM. That time was a special time between you and him and by not fully informing your H, he has to live believing that there was something magical about that encounter that you wanted to keep for yourself to enjoy. No man wants to believe that his wife had those moments with another man. By keeping secrets, you signaled that you wanted to protect those extra marital moments of intimacy between you an OM. Since cheating was a rejection of exclusive intimacy with your husband in favor of the OM, he feels second best because you protected your intimacy with OM, again choosing the OM over him. How you solve that is the battle, but step one is letting him know whether that cheating intimate time was as special as what you have with him. this is gonna be tough. sorry for typos, i'm using a tablet.


:iagree::iagree: This is right on point.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, does your husband have a thread on TAM? It seems similar to another thread from the BS POV.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of Dutchess*
> he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one.
> 
> almost always come from the feeling that I am not doing everything in my power sexually, emotionally, and physically to make it up to him
> ...



Dutchess
It seems to me by your bold posts above you are doing a whole lot to make him feel like number one.


However, my guess is that you have not been able to complete disassociate the new sex acts with your husband from your regretful affair. That can be a real high mountain to overcome. I am not making excuses for you but it is a reality. I know because my wife has somewhat the same problem. She said that her sexual betrayal has degraded her and she associates sex with great self loathing pain. I am glad that she so loathes the affair but the lack of initiation is hard to take. In the end I have decided that I will just have to accept the lack of initiation because it is not worth it to me to have her associate anything with the affair with the OM and add to her low self esteem.. She does other things that tell me that I am number one.



What helps me accept this is that I help others when I can and they help me know that I am a valuable man. My sister just recently posted on Face Book that she only has two heroes in this world. She said our father is one and I am the other. My sister is a good woman and that made me feel real good. I wish that my wife would initiate but she said that she has lost interest in sex and that she is a damaged woman.

Dutchesses, if you can overcome the association with the new sex with your husband with the betrayal then please do so. *What have you done to try and overcome this?*


*MR. Dutchess*, if she cannot overcome that association I would encourage you to do whatever you have to so that you can know you are a valuable man and concentrate on the other things that your wife is doing to prove to you that you are number one.


*Mr. Dutchess is there anything else that your wife is doing or not doing other than the new sex that makes you not feel like number one?*


----------



## dutchess (Jan 6, 2014)

I understand that I have violated the intimacy in our marriage. It was never my intention to protect any privacy with OM or to protect him. Even though that wasn't the intention, the appearance of that being the intention is damaging to my Husband. The most important thing to me is my Husband and his happiness. I have never experienced anything with anyone that comes close to rivaling the specialness and closeness of the experiences I have had with my Husband. 
My husband has forgiven me and I have forgiven myself for my terrible actions. There is no reason to not fully embrace sex with my Husband and enjoy every second of it. He deserves a wife who is interested in every way in him and shows it through intimate sexual and nonsexual acts. I want to be that wife.


----------



## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I'm glad to see your response. To be clear, my post was not about your entire set of issues giving rise to your A, but only about why your husband is feeling second best. We agree that it may have seemed that you were "protecting" something with the OM and you have denied that was your intention. Good for you. Perception is reality for a while as far as BS's are concerned and then reality is reality. Keep being open and honest and hopefully your H will make that transition soon. 

I think a serious question is whether you actually gave your AP your best. Perhaps you did and that may be an issue for you to address in MC. On the other hand, you may not have given AP your best at all. Either way, it might help your husband to know that whatever it was that you had with the AP, it never compared to what you have with him. That still leaves open the question, "why did you do it?", but that question is always asked, never has an easy answer, and truthfully, there is never really a "right" answer to that question. It is not as if any BS would ever say, "well then, I agree with your choice to cheat." There is a honest answer and that is what is needed. I believe you are giving honest answers to your H. Work on making sure your answers are thorough, complete and accurate to help keep him from drawing incorrect conclusions. 

In either event, if you are committed to being the type wife that you just described, then that is something worth both of you fighting for, and contrary to my usual feelings of antipathy towards a WS, I really wish you success in rebuilding your relationship.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't understand why the couple of details you gave him now make such a difference for him. Could you ask him to reflect on that?

I would imagine that his imagination would have made much more of the interaction of you and OM than these couple of notes and talks?

Or were you much more in love than you have told us?


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

dutchess said:


> I was unfaithful to my husband 15 years ago. The affair was ended and he forgave me. Since then, he has had constant feelings of being second place in my heart. *Several times a year he will experience a major trigger *that lasts several days. This last weekend was a very significant event because I came completely clean about my actions during the affair. It took me so long because I was afraid that if he knew all the details he would have a harder time healing. I was wrong and should have divulged everything immediately. We had a very emotional talk and expressed our tearful intensions of repairing our relationship. He is apprehensive because over the past 15 years we have had many discussions and he has always felt that I have not done all I could do to make it up to him and make him feel like he is number one. Things always improve right after our discussions and then go back to the way they were thus causing another trigger. *This morning he experienced **another trigger *and left for work very angry. I am so scared that I have permanently ruined my marriage. I love my husband so much and do not want him to experience any more pain. Please give some advice as what I can do right now to help him feel the love that I have for him and the desire I have to make him feel like he is the only man for me and the only one I want.


Dutchess, what are these things that cause him to trigger? You've probably addressed them at one time or another, but why do they continue to occur?


----------

