# Divorce... What about losing your stepchild?



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

It occurred to me as I got off-topic on another thread that maybe you all could lend some advice, insight and experience to this question...

If you were involved in a second marriage, with a stepchild or stepchildren whom you loved and raised for years, and you then experienced divorce, how did you cope with the loss of your child/children -- even though not blood-related?

My stepson is 12 and I've been in his life, helping to raise him, since he was 3. My husband and I share 50/50 joint custody with his mother, who lives in the same town, and we've been joint parenting the whole time. My son tells everyone that he has two moms -- his biological mom and me.

While accepting the inevitability of my unwanted and unexpected divorce from his father, how do I cope with the loss of my child too? I know that as a step parent I have no legal rights to him. I know that this divorce -- the second he's experienced in his life -- will be incredibly hard on him once we tell him. And I'm having trouble with the idea of losing him -- the only child I have, the child I expected would be mine forever.

Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice?


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

i have not dealt with this, nor do i think anyone should have to...

the only thing i can say is have you told your soon to be ex about your feelings towards your stepson? maybe you can organize to see him still, as much as it wont be what your used to, maybe once a month or something? if your ex will let you. maybe even talk to his mother? if you get along with her that is.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

My ex knows my feelings toward my stepson and my stepson will not be short on words for his feelings toward me, I'm sure. The mom may not be as flexible to "give up" any of her time. Legally, as a stepparent, I have no rights. I think my husband will let us work something out for some occasional visits, but still... it's NOT going to be the same as having my child here with me all the time like he is now. No more kid laundry to wash, kid meals to make, no more cuddling during movies on the couch, no more talking about growing up or his pre-teen angst, no more being a daily part of his life. And it's killing me.

Has anyone gone through this???? How have you coped?


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Bumping this to see if anyone can offer advice? Anyone been there/done that with regard to losing a stepchild during divorce?

It's an awful thing...


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## AstiJones (Jun 25, 2011)

Hi Hopeful,
I had to leave what I considered my daughter after her 7th birthday. She was my buttercup and raised her from 18 months 50% with her father that I never married, but we lived together. I lost all rights to her when he got his new girlfriend pregnant, which also caused the loss of my job as the Director of Business Development and Marketing for his aerospace company. 

You have no rights, unless he gives them to you in writing, but your boy may be old enough to request it. I know this reply may be a little late and feel so sorry, as I understand the pain to its core. Besides the verbal and physical abuse I received, I lost my only child, though not bio she called me her Jenn and many tines mom, so I understand what you must be going through. It's been almost three years and I still grieve for my loss everyday and pray for her.

The last time she visited me, just after her 7th birthday, I gave her new caterpillars for a butterfly habitat I got her the last year, a rose quartz necklace and a favorite book of mine about a caterpillar's journey to learn change was meant for him. She is in my heart everyday, and you can't expect new children that are not yours to ever replace them. As I know you raised him from young, nothing will replace, time I hope will heal. But do anything you can to get your Ex's a commitment to visitation. I am sure he needs you, as you were significant and am sure he loves and needs you.

Mizpah,
Jenn


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## AstiJones (Jun 25, 2011)

Also, just curious have you experienced friends and family not understanding the loss? That's the hardest for me. People don't get that you can love them and do for them as much as their bio parents and many times doing more...I hope we can connect


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My ex (his natural mom) actually awarded custody of my stepson to me. Unless something is completely outrageous, it's possible for just about any agreement between the two parties to be formalized within the divorce decree.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I know exactly what you mean, my H and I raised his daughter now 13 since the age of 10. I do not have any children, so she became my lil princess. I love like my own. I have no rights to her and the daddy is ambivalent at best. I did see her and spend some time with her in April for her birthday, but the daddy began to act funny, and we have since lost contact. She is probably going through her teenage things too. I miss her, but I realize she belongs to her parents. Although I truly doubt they will be able or knowledgeable about how to provide the best for her...she is theirs and she loves them to death. I will make it through regardless. Try to talk to your H and come to an understanding about the special relationship you two shared and you would like to continue it. My H was a little skeptical about the closeness and didn't want to lose his time with her. There are a lot of kids to love in the world, I will find another ;o)


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks SO MUCH for your responses!!! I knew I was not the only person in the world experiencing the loss of a stepchild that is, in short, as much your own child as any by blood when I posted this thread in February. Here is an update...

My husband and I are amid mediation. He is agreeing to put in the mediation document his wishes that I continue a relationship with my stepson; his mother, over these past few difficult months has also become an advocate for me and expresses her absolute desire for me to continue a relationship with him. All very positive in the long run. HOWEVER, regardless of intention by my husband, and what is "wished for" in our divorce agreement, there still will be no legal binding obligation on the part of my husband or his ex-wife to follow through with arranging actual visitation. Additionally, I will be moving nearly 3 hours away, which makes visitations more challenging. I'm hoping for a couple of weekend days/nights a month with frequent phone calls, skypes, text messages, etc. But part of this will depend on my stepson's needs -- he is nearly 13 and, like all teens, will start wanting less and less time with his parents altogether. I know this reality but hope that he will still want his time with me sometimes.

My stbx and I are still living together and getting through house renovations to sell our home, while going through mediation. My stepson is with us 50% of the time and has been having a very rough time with the news of the divorce since he was told about 8 weeks ago. He spent the first 2-3 weeks in absolute denial, insisting it would't happen. He filled with depression and anxiety, with frequent anger and crying bouts as he tries in desperation to "fix" things and keep our family together. He's angry with his father for wanting this divorce and for "breaking up our family. My stepson is aware of my pain, that this request for divorce was sudden, unexpected and completely unwanted by me.

But, as my stepson is UNAWARE, it has been revealed recently that my high-40's husband has been having an long-distance emotional affair with a foreign work colleague -- age 22 -- for over a year now (with several foreign "business trips" worked into the lies and mess). He claims to be madly in love with her as she's his "soul mate" and is planning on moving her up to the US as early as fall once I'm out of the house. My stepson is aware of the girl's presence as someone his father "claims" to be only a friend, but does not believe his father. He thinks his father has been cheating on me (BINGO!) but has no proof with which to be certain. He HATES this woman because of his suspicions -- especially as his father chose to take a several vacation to her city/country only 3 weeks after breaking our news of divorce to my stepson. My stepson is not a dumb teen -- he's smart beyond his years and he SMELLS A RAT. I have not let on to any of the information that I know as I don't want to drive a wedge further between him and his father. But his father is doing this all on his own with his poor choices. And, sadly, when/if he tries to move this woman up to live with him and my stepson, just months after I've been forced out of my stepson's life, my stbx will have more than a war on his hands with his son.

My stepson is HEARTBROKEN over this divorce (his second in his short life) and there's nothing I can do to protect him or ease his pain but just continue to be here for him. Several times he has told his father, his mother and his therapist that he wishes his mom and I could share custody -- that he doesn't want to be with his father because he doesn't trust or respect him, thinks he's selfish and a liar, and thinks he's breaking up our family. I know this is anger talking, but he's in so much pain and it's devastating to watch. I hope for the best, but know that more pain is coming his way if his father continues his selfish ways.... I will do whatever I can to keep him in my life, to continue to be his stepmom, divorce or not.

I hope the best for all of you going through similar situations with stepchildren. It is a topic often overlooked during divorce as society still holds to the old ideas of step parents being "less than" important as the blood parents. But in many cases, that's certainly absolutely false -- especially as far as the child is concerned. Laws need to be changed and more support needs to be shown for step parents going through divorce. As someone else mentioned here, even some of my friends don't "get it". They say, "He's not your son -- not your problem anymore" as they are angry with my stbx. I have to stand my ground and say "He IS MY SON and I will NOT let him down." But still I see the negative head shakes, the shoulder shrugs and the rolled eyes. It really makes this divorce process even harder to deal with...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Amen to a lot of what you have said. We are pretty much in the same boat. But I am learning to let go, and not make her feel worse. I know she loves (d) me and I do her, but I also know the blood is thicker than water. I find young people to be very manipulative to getting what they want and will use whatever situation to achieving their goals....getting what they want. I promise to be there for my SD any time she needs me (within reason) and my love for her is conditional. If she continues to treat me the way I like and make good chioces, she as no greater advocate. I pray that God makes all of our crooked roads straight and soon.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I'm struggling with this as well. My H & I both have children from previous relationships but none together.

I always thought my SS was a pain in the arse, but I miss him terribly. I haven't seen him in over 4 months.
My kids miss my H as well, especially my S10. He has tried to text/call my H to talk or to see him, and he doesn't answer his phone the majority of the time. It really pi$$es me off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dvz (Nov 24, 2011)

Hi,I'm going through this too.My stepson is 6 and i've been 'daddy' since he was 18 months old and we are so close,we really are best mates.
Split up w his mum for a while and got back together and me and 'son' were elated,truly happy and then mum sends a nasty email-didnt even talk to me and that was that..no replies to any contact i've made and it's just the worst thing thats ever happened to me..im lost and hurting alot and i can do nothing about it.
I just cant beleive she'd do this to me AND her own son who loved me as much as i did him.
The most horrible thing i think anyone could do two someone.If she doesnt want me i could live with that quite ok but not without my lil man around...dunno what else to say.im pretty cut up still 8 months on.
Cheers
Dvz


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## istillbelieve (Dec 5, 2011)

Dear Hopeful,

I wish I had advice for you. I am writing to say I have been through your pain. I still live it. My ex and I met when his daughter was 9 months old. I helped him raise her since he split custody with her mom. I was there for the first words, the first steps, every beautiful part of her life, until we divorced last year when she was eight. Since then, I rarely see her. It breaks my heart. I always called her my daughter, and in my heart that is what she will always be. There isn't a day that I don't think about her, and miss her so much. I want what is best for her, and I just want her to be happy and safe. I know the stress of the divorce has been terrible for her. I hope in time, I will be able to see her, or at least talk to her on the phone. Just to know she is ok, and happy. 

I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, and I hope that your outcome is better than mine.


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## jcj (Dec 28, 2011)

i miss my girlfriend's daughter. We spent time from age 4 to 7 and now i don't get to see her. I wanted to take my time to get to know her and her mom but things didn't work out with her mom. I didn't realize how attached i got to the daughter.


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## daddyo73 (Sep 10, 2011)

My wife and I are preparing to tell our children next Sunday about our divorce. My wife wants it and I do not. No abuse, no infidelity... just my wife feeling that she is trapped, that she married to soon after her first divorce, that she needs to be single and her own woman. But this post isn't about that...

When we married my wife had a son and daughter. We've been together for 8 years and the son is now 12 and the daughter 10. We also have a five year old together. I am terrified of how this will effect all the kids.

So far my wife and I have agreed that two to three times a week I can see stepson and stepdaughter (we will have 50/50 with our son). My wife works evenings as a nurse so I have volunteered to watch the kids when she works, two to three times per week. Earlier this week we agreed that the kids could sleep over at my house if they want and it makes sense, even on school nights.

My intention is to take them all out to dinner at least once a week, as our own "mini-family" unit. That at least once a month I will find a weekend night or day where I can take all of the kids to something fun (pottery painting, indoor amusement, swimming, waterpark, etc...). The two older kids' dad is the prototype for two weekends a month ex-husband. He dotes on his son but largely forgets he has a daughter. I'm so worried about the both of them. About abandonment issues, school performance, etc... I've raised stepdaughter since she was 1 1/2. Losing them is crushing me. And ultimately they are still brother and sister to my son, and they all love each other so much.

From reading posts I realize I should be grateful and happy that wife and I have come to the agreement we have so far. Of course the voluntary alimony probably helps too... but it still sucks. I still don't want this Sunday to come because I can't imagine what their faces are going to look like.

Wife and I have committed to co-parenting and doing what is best for the kids... but it's terrible that we're even here.


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

My husband was in my daughters life since she was 9 months old. She is now 10. Husband walked out while I was pregnant and got a new woman. I still sent my 10 year old with on weekly visits. After about 6 months my 10 year old began to say she felt like he treated her differently. I ignored it at first thinking she was just trying to play her parents against the other. She kept saying it for months and I finally listened. I stopped sending her over to his house. She seemed relieved but my husband was hurt of course. He blamed me and said that I did that to spite him which is so not true. I just couldn't ignore my daughters complaints any longer. 
After she stopped visiting, he has not asked to see her at all and bought her one christmas gift saying since she didn't come over anymore why should he do anymore for her. My daughter has reconnected with her bio dad and once again husband thinks I didn't that to spite him.
What I'm trying to say is that all kids handle things differently and my daughter was devastated when my husband left. It changed her but she is ok now. She no longer looks at my husband as her dad anymore and that's ok too. I guess when someone leaves a marriage, maybe they don't understand what all could happen behind that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muchachaoz (Aug 18, 2012)

I know this thread is a little old but this has just happened to me. It must be very common. I have cared for my (now ex's) son for the last 4 years. We split 2 weeks ago after I discovered he'd been having an affair ( I think with a prostitue). He has been lying to both me & his son for months about his whereabouts.
He has still not told the truth to his son about why we split. He thinks he had a diasgreement. 

My stepson is 17. I miss him a lot, after seeing him almost everday, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, helping with homework & asking about his grilfriend. He still has photos of our family on FB. At a friend's suggestion, I texted him the other day. I was so happy when 2 days later he replied & asked how i was.

I want to keep up the relationship with him but i'm really not sure how to do it. He is old enough for me to do this independently of his parents. Maybe through sport? Or the odd text/ email? I am the adult & need to take the initiative I know.
Any suggestions?


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## Dreamdrea (Mar 19, 2013)

Reading these posts really spoke to my heart. It was nice to see that I am not alone in believing we Divorce People not children. I really wish my ex would have kept talking to my daughter. He once made the comment about not having any rights legally. When I left I made sure they could email, I even bought a seven year old an ipod so she could write to him whenever she wanted. Unfortunately last June the messages stopped... completely. And the effects on her have been tremendously out of control. I almost wish he would have never returned any... as she turns 9 next week I am completely lost. I feel so bad that she doesn't have her "daddy". I did my research and found out he has a new fiance and they just had a baby (which means when he found out about his baby he abandoned mine) The whole thing makes me really sad. I don't know how to help her through it. I tried explaining but she insists.. "he is my daddy, mommy, he is." 
I wish he was more like all of you.


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## babyboo6869 (May 23, 2013)

Found this site looking for some answers for my fiance...but first let me say this... I am a Mom of three grown children ( 2 22 year olds and a 20 year old) who had her two older children with her first husband, and the younger one with a boyfriend at the time. When I remarried, my children were then 4 and 2 ( and I had been dating my second husband since the little one was less than a year old). When we married, the former boyfriend ( father of the youngest, gave legal guardianship of his daughter to my husband). The father of the older children made sure that he had his rights remain intact, and did the summer vacation/ holidays ( rotating) and even had the two older children live with him for a period of time. My second husband was active duty in the military and well, we moved a lot. With that being said, here is what my current fiance has going on...

At age 23, he married a woman some years his senior, who had two boys, then aged 8 and 12. I do not want to down my fiance because I do and have always believed that his actions were noble yet naive. He was also active duty military, and we met many years ago when his older stepson took my younger daughter on what was to be the first "date" for both at age 12.

Over the years, although the boys father was very active in their lives ( the boys are now 16 and nearly 21), my fiance said he stuck out a marriage bad from the start (his wife was at the time she got involved with him still very much married to her sons active duty father who was deployed), and not because of his wife, but for as he puts it, "his boys". He became the disciplinarian because their Mother could not handle them. After 8 years, she left him for someone else. Today, he sits and at least once a day, brings up the topic of "his boys". I am trying in a way not to diminish how he feels about them, but the fact that he cannot or maybe shouldn't force an issue...

The issue being this...and I have spoken to my own children about it. I asked them ( my kids) how did they feel about my husband, whom I was married to for more than 16 years. I was surprised at their responses... My little one ( the one who is now 20), said that my ex was in fact her Daddy. Always had been, and was her legal guardian. Her feelings have now cooled somewhat because he has since remarried, and seems to only have time for his new wife's children from her prior marriage, but it was the response of my older children that was gut wrenching. That although my ex, to whom I was married to for the majority of their lives, who was the main provider for them for all those years, my older children BOTH said this....Mom, not to be mean or anything, but we always just looked at him, like, whatever, he was just Mom's husband. Not our Dad.

I believe this may very well be what is going on with my current fiance and his stepsons. My older two were only 4 when me and my ex married, not 8 and 12. My husband was not just 11 years older than my children. These boys knew their bio Dad and he was in their lives. One of his stepsons is now an adult and the other nearly there. He has not heard from either of them since he and his ex split, and it tears him up. Matter of fact, they both live with their biological father. I have given him the words of my grown children, and told him that maybe he may have to face the reality that like my older children, that they have may not looked at him as anything more than as their Mom's husband. Maybe they looked at him as the reason as to why their Mom and bio Dad broke up, they were certainly old enough to understand what was going on when he and their Mother married.I personally believe that they dislike him in some way. I understand that he had grown to love his step children, but with close to two years of not having any contact with them at all ( choice of the boys, not him), that maybe it is time for him to move forward with this? I want to help him but don't know what to say....


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## momtoo (Nov 27, 2014)

my ex-husband and I were married for 7 years. He has a son (13) and a daughter (15). He is an angry man and will not allow me to see either child or call them. It hurts so much to not have any communication with "my kids". I didn't do anything to them, he is just trying to hurt me by keeping us apart.


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## NatMor13 (May 27, 2015)

*Step-Mama Woes *

Hello All,

I'm glad to see that this is a common issue, and sad to see that so many of us are dealing with it. Hopeful1, I hope everything worked out the way you wanted it to with your step-child. I myself need advice as well during a tough situation that has come up.

I have decided to end my 3 year relationship with my ex. We are no longer good for each other, and are too young to settle for what we think is ok. We've had a few problems during our relationship, and although he is still willing to fight for it, I have no more energy, just a lot of resentment. But the one perfect thing about our relationship is his son. He is my everything, my light, my happiness, the pain in my butt that I never want to go away! And although my ex and I were not married, his son held me to the relationship most. Getting into this relationship at a young age (18), I did not expect to create such a bond with his son (1 and 4 months when the relationship began). Now, at a little over 4 years old, our bond is truly like mother and son. I am "His Natchy", we do everything together, we go everywhere together, and it's natural for him to treat me like his second mommy. And like I said, although I'm so happy to have advice from you all and be able to read how you've coped with this issue, I still feel that my situation is pretty different because of my age. I am 21, my ex is 24, and bio-mom is 25. His son's mother and I have never been close, and we've had our issues (long story involving my ex enlisting in the Navy and his son's mother not letting me see him while he was in Recruit Training Command - 2 months!), but we've gotten over that and things have been fine for the past year. I know the issues came from my being so much younger than bio-mom, and dealing with a break-up+having to share her only child with another "girl". I do not hold it against her because I would have felt the same, and I tried my hardest to always put myself in bio-mom's shoes throughout the relationship.

So seeing as this break-up has just now occurred, and I've realized that I truly cannot give any more to it, I know that there is a heartbreaking goodbye on its way - if even that. My ex is terribly depressed over it, and can't understand why I won't give him one more chance. He is also somewhat revengeful, would not like to be friends, and will most likely not let me continue a relationship with his son after we break it to him. My question is.... Being that his son is 4, and for the sake of his little heart, is this (a relationship with his son) worth continuing? I'm an adult and I know what I got myself into when I jumped into this relationship at such a young age with someone who already had a child. So I accept the heartbreak I'm going to live through for the next few years. And if there was any chance at all that I could still see my little man every other weekend (besides continuing my relationship with my ex), I would. But am I hurting him? Since he's 4, should I try to let him forget me? This thought crossed my mind because I thought, "Well, I don't remember anything from before I was 4 years old". But maybe since I didn't go through anything traumatizing at that age, that's why. I've been there since he barely started to walk... He doesn't have any memories of his bio-parents ever being together. Just his Natchy and his Daddy. But maybe he can forget with time... My heart breaks imagining what his little brain is going to think happened. I've thought about ways to tell him. Should I/we try to explain the truth, that we're not happy together anymore? Or is there a better way? How do you break this to a 4 year old? It is so true that this feels more like a death than anything else, because I have no right to his son at all. He has his mom, who is a great one and also does everything for him, and his dad who will also be there for him. I do not fit in to them anymore, but to my baby... his Natchy will be gone.

I say I do not fit in to THEM anymore, because as stated before, my ex will not stand for being friends. He is too hurt and will eventually be angry, and want to hurt me in return (reasons as to why the relationship is at its end). Bio-mom, although we've gotten along fine recently, will give me the same story she did when my ex left for the Navy. We had been having issues that she unfortunately got ear of, and told me that unless we were stable, I could not see her son. I can only imagine that her response would be the same now that my ex and I will be completely separated for good. She did not think of the fact that she was hurting her son by keeping me from him for those 2 months while my ex was gone, and she will do it again.

I need advice. I feel like a fool all the time asking my family and friends for advice, because they give me the same stupid line: "He's not yours." Nothing in this world could make me want to take him from his bio-mother, because she is a great one to him! I have always understood that he is not mine, and was sometimes thankful that he was going home at 6PM every other Sunday when he was in those terrible-threes!! (skipped terrible-twos I guess ). But there is something so offensive about someone telling you that you get NO CREDIT for the past years of loving, protecting, caring for, bathing, cooking for, etc. your step-child! (P.S., we did have plans to get married last year, but decided to slow down because of issues that were going on - so yes, he would have been my step-son for sure). I would love advice from step-children, step-moms, step-dads, and bio-parents who respect the love between their children and their step/ex-step parents. Please help me get through this horrible situation. I am giving up the person I thought I was going to marry, and losing my little man. This pain is unreal and even worse so because I know there is no turning back.
:crying:

Sincerely,
Step-Mama Natchy


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Step-Mama Woes *

NatMor13,

This is a Zombie thread.. 5 years old.

Please copy your post above and start your own thread so that people can address YOUR concerns.

I'm locking this thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*ZOMBIE thread*.. locking it.


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