# How can I show my ex that I'm trying to change?



## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

Me and my ex recently broke up after 6 years together. She had gotten tired of the fighting and how mean I am when I do fight. I've began taking therapy to manage my anger problem and have also been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder and am now on medication to treat it. However, she does not want to talk to me right now. How do I give her the space she wants while still showing her that I am trying to change for her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry hear that you are manic deperssive. It can be hard to deal with. Please do stay on your medication. 

First off lose the work 'trying'. If you are 'trying' you are not doing it. And don't change for her. Change for you. When you change for yourself, the change is more likely to be for real and to be permanent.

Say to yourself that you are changing, have changed. It's a stronger statment that leads to actions.

The best you can do is to just live by your new found behavior. Never, ever let your anger get the better of you. Learn to recognize when your moods are off and have a plan for dealing with it.

If you are truely changing she will see it, over time. It's not going to happen in a short time. 

She may or may not return to you. But if you improve and change for the better, even if she does not come back, you will be a healthier man who is able to get into a new healthier relationship.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

Thank you for the advice! Although I still don't know how I can show her that I am changing if right now she is unwilling to speak. I guess there may not be a way now that I think about it. 

She's the love of my life and I'm not too keen on the "may or may not return part". Living my life without her is not an option.

I've promised her before that I would do anything for her and I really meant it. I'll never stop trying for her.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Hamper,

STOP BEING A DOORMAT, bro! 

A relationship is two people, giving 100% to each other. You say you will do anything for her....what will she do for you?

If you say she will do everything, then you wouldn't be here.

Let's face it, people change..period. Higher powers at work allow these things to happen, we can fight the changes for others, but in the end, we have to change OURSELVES.

I struggled with this for the last 3 months during my separation and her affair. She won't change, but I have...

I will not fight for her anymore...do I love her? Yes
Do I want her back...No! She is not the same person I married 20 years ago. And I am not the same person she left 3 months ago.

Move on with your life, STOP trying to change for her...do it for yourself. No DOORMAT, no BACK UP PLAN! Man Up! Your true love is out there waiting for you....are you gonna search? Or are you gonna do everything for your ungrateful spouse?

Look forward to what you can have, not what you did have!

We are all in this together!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

hamper, how long have you been separated?

Anything before 3-4 weeks is a lost cause. To put your own mind at ease:

1. Stop polluting your mind with thoughts of her being with someone else. She's not. Most honest/loving people who leave a long term relationship out of frustration and hurt can't just jump into another person's arms. 

2. Do not beg, plead or initiate contact. Just don't do it. Trust me, she will contact you and will be looking for welcoming signs. She will test your anger with full force. Be ready for it.

My wife is doing the exact same thing to me right now. Trying to force me into treating her like I usually do. I haven't given in and it actually frustrates her because she's losing ammunition. She has said some hurtful things that I normally would not tolerate and would respond back to with harsh words to get even. So far I have managed to just contain the anger (she is going a big overboard though).

You obviously love her and need reassurance that she loves you back. Try to get that reassurance little by little. You won't get the same amount of affection that you desire in one lump sum. That's just how life is. One person is always more vested into the relationship than the other (emotionally). It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means you're more emotionally dependent on her than she is on you. This imbalance is normal to a certain degree but too much of it is not good. 

I'm almost certain as soon as you put your mind at ease about your girl not being with someone else, you will easily allow her time to miss you. Do whatever you have to do to get convinced that she's not seeing someone else. If you have to stalk her or spy on her, do so, but don't go overboard. Be aware that you're doing something that is morally wrong and invasive, but is understandable to a certain degree. 

Don't forget to get yourself physically and mentally ready to face the nightmare of losing her. It's the test of a lifetime and will drain all your energy for a good while. 

Regardless of what happens with you and your girl, you will come out a more complete person. She can stay and enjoy that evolution. She can also leave and miss out. At this point, you're doing all you can. She will know that very soon. Don't contact her. She will find ways to test you. Be ready for it.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

I'm certain she's not seeing anyone else that's not really bothering me. Also I stopped begging her after the day she told me she wanted to leave me. We have not been separated that long. Only for about a week and a half or so. We've been together for quite a while and I know she isn't just going to forget about me or stop loving me this quickly. She told me that in the future she may give me another chance so I guess I'll just have to sweat it out and show her that I have changed however I can in the mean time.

I guess it's back to all the sad lonely nights being single 

Thank God I have a good group of family and friends to support me.

How long does it usually take for them to try and initiate contact with you again?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hamper, 

Stay lonely for a while and use it as a healing period. That's what your wife is doing. Honestly, I'm going through the exact same thing and the first few days are absolutely devastating, but your body automatically adjusts to the mental pressure and eases up.

She will contact you very soon, but that doesn't mean anything. She has to miss you to the point of wanting to be with you. She will. Make sure you remain calm, happy and very respectful when talking to her. It's not for her. It's for you. That's the kind of person you want to be anyway, so don't think you're doing this for her. Once you do that, it gets easier to not expect much in return from her in your first few contacts. Later on when you're hopefully together again, you should definitely demand her to give you the same level of respect and affection or else you'll separate again.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

I'm certain she will contact me soon. My birthdays in two weeks and I'm sure she still cares about me enough to wish me a happy birthday. I'll just have to take things day by day until then and continue trying to improve myself for myself. Whether it's for the sake of this relationship or a different one, I'll do whatever I can to make sure I don't lose someone else for these same reasons.

My biggest regret will always be that it had to come to this point for me to get the help that I need.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It is a good sign that she did not completely shut you out and left the door open to communication in the future. She needs to have this time to herself to sort out her true feelings for you and get all the negative memories out of her head. I am sure she still loves you but hates the fact that you argue unnecessarily. It is great that you are taking care of what caused the problem. She will come back to you and that is when you can show her the different person you are and that you are willing to do what it takes to make both of you happy again. Enjoy your alone time. Do something for yourself like joining a gym to be healthier and feel better about yourself as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> My biggest regret will always be that it had to come to this point for me to get the help that I need.


You might end up not regretting it at all. She has to miss you. This is her chance. Missing your love is a very strong emotion and has profound changes on one's life. Perhaps this will have as big an impact as the professional help you're receiving.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

hamper17 said:


> Me and my ex recently broke up after 6 years together. She had gotten tired of the fighting and how mean I am when I do fight. I've began taking therapy to manage my anger problem and have also been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder and am now on medication to treat it. However, she does not want to talk to me right now. How do I give her the space she wants while still showing her that I am trying to change for her?


Was there a particular incident that caused the break-up? How long have you stayed away? Maybe, if her reason for leaving you was your behavior and you want her to see that your behavior has changed, you could write her a letter and let her know what changes you've made in your own life. Don't try to get back together with her, but maybe let her know that you have taken some of her concerns to heart. If she knows that you're willing to change and that you're not actively trying to get something from her, she might be inclined to look favorably upon your changes. Maybe then someday in the future, if she contacts you or you try again, she might be able to see that you're not the same guy with the same problems. 

How long ago did you break up? People need time to reconsider when something big has happened. Don't try to call her or pressure her to talk to you, though. Keep working on the changes you're making to improve yourself and be the kind of person you want to be. If you're making changes only for her, then when she is back, you have no incentive to continue those things, so make sure the changes you're making to your life are truly about you.

Good Luck!


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

It hasn't been that long. About a week and a half. We had gotten in several fights over the last few months after going very long periods without fighting at all. While having manic depressive disorder may explain why I am much more irritable and mean at times I don't want to use it as an excuse as I feel it would be kind of a cop-out and I'm sure she'd see it that way as well.

But I still need to find a way to explain to her that my mood and attitude were at times not completely my fault...ugh this is frustrating.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hamper17 said:


> Me and my ex recently broke up after 6 years together. She had gotten tired of the fighting and how mean I am when I do fight. I've began taking therapy to manage my anger problem and have also been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder and am now on medication to treat it. However, she does not want to talk to me right now. How do I give her the space she wants while still showing her that* I am trying to change for her*?


You've got it all backwards. You shouldn't want to change "for her"
--you should want to change for YOURSELF. 

You cannot make her want to speak to you or initiate contact with you so forget about that. Focus on getting better understanding why you were being mean to her, going to therapy, taking your meds. 

Can you elaborate on how you were mean to her? 

If she has asked for space, give it to her. If she contacts you, let her know you are seeing a therapist and want to do better and are taking meds. Don't beg her though. And don't contact her if she's said she doesn't want to talk to you.

This story hits home for me as it sounds like my ex and I. I had told him for a long time that he was really hurting my feelings and would not fight fair and hit below the belt and whatnot but he never "got it." I left him. We tried to reconcile but it did not take. I don't think he has changed at all. And it's too bad really because I loved him to pieces. I just couldn't live like that anymore.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ditto everyone else.
I cut ties with my husband a couple weeks ago because he was 'mean'. You really need to elaborate on how far this mean streak went. It could be you have some serious reparation to attend to, that can only be reflected in how well you decide to look after yourself. This includes accepting blame for not seeking therapy for your illness, when it was suggested by intimate others including your wife, that you do so. I cannot really believe that others did not inform you along the line of the hurt you were inflicting, and suggest therapy. Accepting blame includes embracing your previous denial and refusal to listen, filtering, deflecting, and all of that. 
Your post hit home with me too. Aside from the birthday, you could also be my own husband. By the way, what makes you so sure that your W will contact you on your birthday? I think perhaps that line of thinking might be some kind of manic magical thinking on your part, and I suggest that you schedule a therapy appt the day after your birthday in the event that your reality comes crashing down on you in false expectations. If it were ME, I would do that for myself. Just saying, you need to take care of YOU, and anticipate that your thinking might be illogical and misplaced in terms of this relationship.

I am not trying to mess with your reality here. But you need to get a grip and stop thinking that you can use a milestone in your life to draw somebody back into this dance you don't really know how to lead.
Yet.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

I'll give you an example of how mean I could be. We both recently finished college and she graduated a semester earlier than me and it bummed her out because she wanted to "walk" with me on the stage. We were arguing about something and she brought up how I was graduating late and I said something to the effect of "What difference does it make when I graduate? When I graduate you are going to be exactly where you are now with the same part time job and not studying for the GMAT to get your masters degree!" As soon as I said that I knew I had messed up and began apologizing over and over. She had been hearing this same mess from her family so it hurt having to hear it from me too. The whole time after that I kept praying that she would find another job and prove me wrong so she could rub my face in it but it unfortunately never happened. I would also act and have an attitude that she was lucky to be in a relationship with me. Not the other way around.

The reason that I think she will call me to say happy birthday is because we actually ended things on really good terms. She told me that if I changed in the future she would consider giving me another chance and before she left I hugged and kissed her for a good five minutes. I know she still has really strong feelings for me as I do for her, and I know she still likes me as a person. There was no infidelity or anything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would also act and have an attitude that she was lucky to be in a relationship with me. Not the other way around.

Yep. Sounds just like my ex. Always saying "you're so lucky to be w me." Ick. Listen, keep going to therapy. The ball is in her court. If she gives you another chance, show her through actions that you won't be a jerk amymore. Because talk is cheap. If she doesn't come around then move on and don't repeat the same mistakes again. Be advised: it may be too late. People on the receiving end of thi gt tired and resentful and it is hard to convince them anything is different. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

I don't believe it is too late. She had told me she would give me another chance in the future and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that she won't regret such a decision (I know I'm beating a dead horse by saying this again but she said it multiple times). Even if she doesn't want to give me another shot I am committed to making this change. I will NOT lose another relationship for these same reasons. Even after just a week of being on medication I've noticed I've become more level headed. Things that would get to me or really aggravate me before are easy to blow off. Only time will tell though. I'm not ready to give up on my girl just yet...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hamper17 said:


> I don't believe it is too late.



Well that's not really up to you since the ball is in her court. It takes two to make a relationship work. If one person wants out, the other had to concede. That's just the way it goes.

It's good you are still going to work on yourself, regardless of the outcome. That is really really awesome. Keep it up.



hamper17 said:


> I will NOT lose another relationship for these same reasons.


Have you lost another relationshp for these reasons prior to your current relationship?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh dear. 
Well, you should stick with the meds and the therapy no matter what.
For the rest of it, you sound a little bit like a stalker.
Which _may_ be why she left it a little bit open-ended.
She might have been afraid to just slam the door so as you could see it slam. You really need to talk to your therapist about this. 
Whatever happens, you should not expect it to happen in the short term. And also, you should be prepared to have a pleasant birthday celebration that you can count on. Meaning don't rely on her to make your day by being in touch. There is no use in setting yourself up to be disappointed, while at the same time leaving yourself open. It sounds like you are being proactive towards your own caretaking; the long-term goal should not be to get her back, but to be healthy, and well-positioned to consider the options. Some people are healthier to choose for relationships, based on your own needs, than others. You might reconsider your own needs after therapy, and you might be the one to decide that this relationship needs to be a memory rather than a future.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good advice, Uno


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

Uno: I have not spoken to her or even seen her since we broke up so I don't know how I can come across as a stalker...usually a stalker stalks someone... Of course I was upset when she broke up with me but she had told me this when I was still calm and composed. I even told her to tell me the truth as it would have made it easier for me to leave her for good if I knew there was absolutely no hope for a shot in the future.

Jellybeans: This is the only REAL long term relationship I have had and no I have not lost any other relationships because of this. But if other people here are saying they left their relationships for the same reasons I would consider these traits that need to be changed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hamper17, it's just the way you are thinking about her and your expectations about your birthday and the way you are so sure that you will be communicating with her in the future. Without the two of you having a solid plan for checking back in x number of months from parting or anything like that. While you're not actively stalking, your mind is clinging to the relationship in the way that an active stalker would be thinking. It is difficult to explain. I would say that the risk seems to be there, the tendency to do that, and I would advise you to seek the therapist's advice before any contact. Which you are already doing. It's just the way you say things that sounds concerning, from a woman's perspective and someone who had to cut ties with my own husband due to his mental state.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

I take offense that you would call me a stalker or even say that I have the mentality of one because I still miss my ex after two weeks of breaking up. You make it sound that since I'm not ready to immediately write her off something must be wrong with me. If she doesn't contact me I don't plan on contacting her and I'm sure I will eventually move on. But this happened very recently and I apologize if its strange that I'm not ready to completely move on from someone I had very deep feelings for in a matter of several days.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I guess it's your insistence that she will contact you on your birthday and that you are going to show her that you have changed. It's okay to take offense, then you can be more sure of how you feel, while at the same time becoming more aware of how you might come across to women that you are relating to. Some kinds of talk make people uncomfortable, and that could be something you have now discovered, that could have fed into your relationship ending. 

It's great that you are getting therapy and improve on medications. It could be that you will look back on your posts in another month and be able to read them from a completely different perspective. It could be that your woman friend will contact you on your birthday. I only know what I feel and that is what I communicated to you. You said you were mean to her, and as you pointed out that when you last saw her you were calm and composed, it seems that this in itself is a sort of clue. Usually people are always calm and composed and do not need to point it out or make a statement about it. My stbxh was calm and composed the last time I saw him, yet two minutes before he was calm and composed and I was taking my dog for a walk while he took his stuff and left, he was yelling at me and calling me a b*tch. I took left things open with him, via email. But it was only to get him to go to therapy. You wanted an outside opinion of your own, so having been the woman in a similar situation, I give you mine. You can do as you like with it. You can come back later to read it after your situation has settled down. I still think once you have your therapy and treatment you will wonder about a woman who would stay in the sort of relationship you did have, for that long, before leaving. Maybe you would like someone who has better boundaries. If my ex gets treatment I think he will see that I am too tending towards co-dependency to have a good relationship with him, that I am too afraid now to say or do the things that would need to be said to keep him in check, that the uncertainty of his illness would keep me on edge, even if I can force my mind to over-ride, my body will remember the 'mean' part. If he does get well emotionally, he will realize this, and let me go to be in a place I can feel safe, with people I don't have unsafe history with.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

The reason I pointed out that I was calm and composed was to show that I was not acting in an irrational manner which would have made her feel the need to tell me that she would give me another chance. Obviously if I was cussing and yelling then I could understand your point in saying that she may have said that to protect my feelings. But that wasn't the case. 

Also you pointed out that your husband yelled at you and called you a b****. Very RARELY would I ever yell and even when I would yell I would not cuss. I was the one in the relationship who had to keep the cussing in check. You don't have to yell, scream and call people names in order to be mean. I was mean in a different way but I can recognize that and I am working to change it.

Also I don't know what I had said to imply that if she doesn't call me on my birthday I will have some sort of mental breakdown. Going back through my posts I still can't find anything. Just because I said I'm certain she will contact me (which I'm still pretty sure she will) doesn't mean that in the event that she doesn't I'm going to throw a fit. I do anticipate her to call or even just send a text message but if she doesn't then its no skin off my back. Also, I never once said that as soon as she decides to contact me again I'm going to blurt out that I have a mood disorder and that I'm taking medication and going to therapy. If she decides to keep things casual I'm sure eventually I will tell her. But that isn't going to come up in my first conversation with her. Even if I were to tell her these things they are just words, it will be my actions that will show that I have truly changed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OK I get it. What was it you wanted help with that you posted about? If you like I will delete my posts as perhaps they are too confusing and off track of what you wanted help with. You said you were mean but you never explained. My husband wasn't normally mean by yelling at me. He only ever yelled when he realized I saw through his calm and composed demeanor and observed his meanness for what it really was - which was abuse. The abuse was very different. It took me 5 years to piece together, that's how under the radar it was. It's this reason why I won't go near him again and chose to end the relationship. Calm and composed well, sometimes when a normal person is poked and prodded by 'mean', and the giver of that insists that it's not mean and was misunderstood, etc. they will throw things at the wall or yell and scream. Yelling and screaming has a bad name. It can be a way of saying that you are dealing with an insane situation, and have literally reached your breaking point. At which point you can take sedatives or you can leave a relationship. Now that I know your woman friend took to yelling and screaming and that you were 'mean' I can only guess at what this 'mean', means, by comparing how she acted and how I acted, which reinforces my opinion and feelings. I don't think I can be of any further use to you. Good luck with the therapy, the medication and the manic-depression. I would always get a second opinion on diagnosis. Make sure you get a complete DSM interview and answer all the questions honestly. Don't go off meds without discussing thoroughly with doctor, as I have heard that it can make matters much, much worse with the whole 'mean' thing.


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## hamper17 (Jan 14, 2012)

What I wanted to get from this post was to find ways to show her that I'm changing without having to blurt all that stuff out. Since we aren't on speaking terms right now and in the event that we do speak again it will likely be limited to phone conversations and texts for quite a while. I personally can't think of a real way to show I'm changing these traits through such limited forms of contact.

I was mean in the sense that I would be really sarcastic at times and could be condescending. I had given an example earlier of one of the most damaging things I had said to her. I don't plan on going off my medication even though its giving me weird side effects such as shortness of breath and increased anxiety (both of these I brought up to my doctor who told me to continue taking the medication). I didn't initially want to go to a psychiatrist but I ended up going at the suggestion of my therapist because she believed that I had manic depressive tendencies but being a therapist she's unable to diagnose these things.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Hamper my man,

I'm in the exact same boat as you are and after 4 beers this is probably as honest as my keyboard will let me be:

Don't bother expecting her to look for changes in you. She won't. The bond between two lovers is much much much much much much deeper than changes that *might* occur in someone's behavior over a few weeks. If she has enough feelings (most of them don't) she will find her way back to you. 

I'm sitting here in tears missing the love of my life and yearning for her touch/voice. It won't happen. It just won't. I still hold hope, but I always knew I loved her more than she loved me. That's just how f***ed up life is. Someone always ends up getting hurt worse than the other party. You're the one more dependent on her. That's why she left. That's why you are drafting up plans to change yourself in order to appeal to her. 

She won't care about your new changes. It's your "old self" that may or may not appeal to her mood at some point in the future. In all honesty, I want to say, "They don't f***ing deserve us". And it's true. They don't. 

I wish there was a way for me to convince my wife that she's losing the *only* true lover she will have. That would be a massive blow to her wayward mind. I just don't know how. No one seems to know what is required.

Only time will tell. I'm scared of moving on only for my wife to realize what she's done. It's too good to destroy, but she's set on destroying it right now. 

Everyone will tell you to move on. Trust me. It's impossible for now. I have decided not to fight it for now. I've decided to stay in limbo for the time being. People call me stupid, and that's exactly how I feel about myself too. STUPID. 

Maybe that's what life is supposed to be for the STUPID that I am.


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