# Confused - Does she even care anymore?



## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Long rambling post sorry . . . .

Married 17 years. Two children 14 & 10. I'm the bread winner, she was the stay at home Mom. She has worked part time as PE teacher (15 hours/week) for about 10 years. Every penny I earn goes into a joint account for family expenses. 

We have drifted apart. She says it's because I would close up emotionally when I was hurt or bothered. She used to try to figure it out but over time she wore out. I've improved some. I still close down but only for a matter of hours not days or weeks and will apologize and want to talk. She says I have improved. I want to talk all the time; now she doesn't.

Over the past year and a half she has become selfish with her time. She is a great mother, a true Mom. But she has no time for us. Then she began texting and Facebooking. Meeting old high school friends - mainly guys. Not that these things are bad, but as other posts suggest a potential divider. I do FB to stay in daily touch with my 6 siblings and nieces/nephews. She changed her password on FB so I can't logon. One thing we did discuss when we joined FB.

There are two instances where she has been out with people I don't know; I didn't know she was going and I "caught" her. One she says she was out with her sister and friends all night - I talked to her sister in her driveway at 1:30am - she didn't get home until 2:30am - she holds true to her story. The other she says she was with friends (20 something year olds guys and girls) and stayed in a hotel "because they were too drunk to drive". I was in Vegas on work for the "sleepover" and called home hourly - first worried - then jealous - then mad. I can rationalize her stories to be true - but your 43 yrs old. Get a cab your 15 miles from home. I am no angel and have over indulged before, but I always come home apologetic, a little ashamed and with a synopsis of the night. 

I've checked phone/texting records and can see she avoids my calls/texts when she is out, but contacts others. No meaning hookups or anything, but avoiding me. My work phone, email accounts, etc. have always been an open book. There may be some crude emails, but nothing I'm hiding. I would even call when gone on business trips and tell her if we went to a strip club - she was always cool.

Her father had a 20 year affair and another child - more or less still a secret - but everyone knew. Her mother hired a PI a few years back, but never divorced. He passed away 4 years ago suddenly at work. Her grandmother divorced over an affair and hung out with a married fellow - like at Christmas, family trips etc. She was married when I met her.

She has two and a half days to herself during the week and she spends time with old friends, new friends, her sister and working out. We don't do anything as a couple. If we go to neighborhood events we separate. Not that we need to be hip to hip. But I feel we should come and go as a couple. Recently she will head out afterwards with a group to the bars (walk) and I'll head home. I like to go out and have fun, but midnight or so is fine for me. And I can deal with occasional, but the exception seems to be the rule now.

The weekend before Thanksgiving I asked her to go out for dinner Saturday night. A neighborhood kid was going to be at a local bar. When Saturday night came, she couldn't make a decision to go out. Her sister was texting her - they wanted to go to the bar. She couldn't decide so I told I would choose and to have fun with her sister. I took the kids for ice cream. The next morning I found out she went with the parents of the kid (25) performing. I said " I lost out to our neighbors!?" Her sister never went.

In the bedroom I initiate intimately 99% of the time. And now that doesn't exist.

I tell myself I'm a good person and husband - not perfect.

Like others have said, I want to spend time with my family. Hiking, swimming, walking, playing games. Anything. It seems like I am the one that initiates that too.

She says she loves me but not in love with me. I parent her. I have bought books - she doesn't think they are useful. I listen to Tiffany Granath on Playboy Radio. There are some good things there. I asked her to listen, she never really did. Not that one of these will fix us, but there are certainly bits and pieces that can help.

So now I fell lonely, sad and resentful. Last night she told me she is going for an overnight with the neighborhood girls. This was discussed at the girls Christmas lunch. Apparently she is the only one that needed to talk it over with her husband - the evening before the event. I guess asking if she can go and me replying we haven't even gone to dinner as a couple in several months - and shes going - is discussing it.

I have tried yelling, crying, affection, some counseling and nothing seems to help; but I still love her. I'm just beating my head against a wall.

So am I just a jealous hard headed guy who has no concept of love and emotion? 

I can't imagine not being able to enjoy the little things - listening to my daughter sing as she works, or just hanging with my son - when ever I want.

Thanks for listening -


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like she already checked out of your marriage a long time ago.

I would start protecting my assets if I were you and if she askes whats up just play coy and evade the question. 

with what you wrote I would be surprised if she wasn't involved with someone already.

sorry you have to go through this bull****.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

marriedguy41 said:


> I have tried yelling, crying, affection, some counseling and nothing seems to help;


You need to start reading and posting in the infidelity section most likely.

It sounds like your wife is having her cake and eating it too. She has YOU there as the steady backup plan - the paycheck - and I would guess you are also considered dependable childcare as well.

In the meantime, she can go out and party like a 16 year old with absolutely NO consequences. If you want your marriage to continue, it must stop.

The part I quoted shows the mistake we all make in the beginning. We think great shows of emotion or affection will bring them back - but it only reinforces that we'll be there waiting when they get tired of playing.

Plus, if you had to choose between a whiney, over-emotional partner and a night out with the boys and girls, what would you pick?

First thing you need to do is start to detach from her emotionally. Stop chasing, begging, yelling, etc.

My wife was doing similar things - we separated for a year and a half. It wasn't until she sensed that I was ready to end the marriage that she became serious about working on it. When I stopped chasing her and asking questions, it scared her.

The other nasty part of this is going to be money. If she's a stay-at-home mom, who is paying for all of this? You are - right? Start taking control of the finances. If this continues, you will want to cut her off. I never had to completely cut my wife off, but once again I was able to scare her by opening my own checking account and changing where I had my paychecks deposited.

Re-post in the infidelity section. Even if she isn't cheating, she's giving herself every opportunity to do so. This is not the behavior of a faithful woman.

Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What you are doing isn't working.

If she has already checked out, being nice, emotionally available, loving, caring, thoughtful etc., simply doesn't work. You REALLY need to understand that.

Be honest with her.

Face the music. Say the words. Your marriage is unraveling. What do you want to do? Ask her the same question.

Moreover, as for your actions, you will be far better served by acting as if your marriage is coming apart and protecting yourself, rather than pissing into the wind with actions that you 'hope' will make her come around.

If she consistently approached you in the past trying to get closer to you and you in turn pushed her away - or simply were unaware that you weren't meeting her needs, well then you should know well that your attempts at bending over backward for her aren't likely to have an impact, just as they didn't with you.

It's only the Earth shaking stuff that gets attention.

One partner stating that they want to end the marriage.

Loss of intimacy, and the appearance of an emotional or physical affair. (Don't kid yourself for a moment. Your wife is looking to find the connection you have lost, with someone else.)

Only once the foundation of the marriage itself is threatened, is it game-changing time.

So ... you need to find a way to shake up the dynamic. She's looking for better. She believes better is out there ... away from you.

So you can sit around and wait for that to happen. Or, you can give her taste of life without you.

If she's on your phone plan. Take her off.

If you have a joint checking account, remove the bulk of the money and open your own. Have your paycheck direct deposited into the new account.

Cancel joint credit cards.

Start making plans for yourself ... without making her aware or requesting her permission.

This isn't about t!t for tat. It's about shaping the landscape so that it becomes clear to her, that you are acknowledging the failure of your marriage, and her unwillingness for the two of you to look for a way to salvage it together.

Lots of people rail against this advice. But I can guarantee it will get results. It will expedite either of the only 2 possible outcomes.

It will become clear that neither of you is ready to sacrifice the marriage.

Or,

It will become clear that one or both of you have no intention of trying to save the marriage.

I have seen enough circumstances posted on this very board to tell you explicitly ... nothing will change without drastic, uncomfortable steps.

It isn't about you making any demands or ultimatums of her ... they won't work anyway. 

It is about you making decisions and taking action to protect yourself. Actions that she invariably cannot ignore. Just as you cannot ignore that your wife is unquestioningly looking for an exit strategy, regardless of how she responds or what she says.


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## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Thank you for your input. 

I did get a separate checking account, now I need to move my deposits to it. 

I told her I wasn't going to pay for her "extra curricular activities" like phone, lunches and work out - she got mad; said I'm talking things away from her - she can't help how she feels.

I'm working on getting a lawyer to discuss options.

I guess I have done a lot of "empty" threats like asking her to move out; but not following up on it. I just don't know the legal ramifications of these things.

Thanks again -


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

marriedguy41 said:


> Thank you for your input.
> 
> I did get a separate checking account, now I need to move my deposits to it.
> 
> ...


Don't make threats unless you are read to follow through with them. That's a big one. And if you do see a lawyer, I wouldn't let her know about it just yet. Let her spend a little time wondering about what you are doing for a change.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You're doing the right things. They feel like crap ... but they are the right things.

You aren't taking anything away from her. You're actually giving her exactly what she wants ... to live life like she's single. The problem is, that she wants to do so while you continue to foot the bill.

As NG said, anything that you claim, or state to her ...make sure you are prepared to follow through on.

These things can get crazy fast.

Again, if she frets that you are trying to control or punish her, make your position perfectly clear:

She isn't in love with you. She has stated as much. She is abandoning the marriage. All you are doing is taking steps to prepare for that. Don't fight about it. Don't discuss it.

Not until she is ready to talk about what is going on, and what changes you both want to make to either improve things or dissolve the marriage.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

marriedguy41 said:


> Thank you for your input.
> 
> I did get a separate checking account, now I need to move my deposits to it.
> 
> ...


Let her know who wears the pants. Let her know who pays the bills. 

Looks like she wants the cake and eat it too. Being nice will only hurt you more and she gets her wish by spending your hard earned money. 

We be nice to people who deserve our love, for people who are selfish, we have to be selfish too. That's called self-protection!


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