# Weird things I've been noticing since my divorce



## Cinema79

So I have noticed a few weird things regarding my ex-wife. 

We are not Facebook friends anymore, we didn’t have kids, and we are both in new relationships. She got with a co-worker some time during our marriage or separation, and I found someone a lot better than my ex-wife in every way.

I've also moved to a new town and I'll probably never see her again. 

We've both moved on...

...or so it seems...

IOne night, I was feeling sort of curious and decided to check on her Facebook page. Her page is private - but she made a few of my “I love you” posts to her public from many years ago. I found this odd, considering that she’s now engaged to the guy she essentially left me for. 

Then, about a month later I checked again to see if they were still there and they weren’t.

Some other weird things.

1. The OM and I have some mutual friends. He will sometimes post things on the same thread right after my posts in order to engage me in some way. I find that pretty bold. I never respond.

2. I have a website with analytics and my ex-wife will sometimes visit my site. I know this because I was getting a lot of activity from a particular IP, so when I traced it, it connected to the apartment complex she moved to.

3. People who know both my ex and I have come up to me and have told me that she is a "b!tch". I don't even bring her up. I just change the subject.

4. She has gained roughly 40lbs since the beginning of the year. I saw a recent photo of her appear in my feed and was shocked at her physical transformation. I quickly blocked the feed of the guy who posted the pic in order to not see her show up again.

To be honest, I’ve been really good about moving on and dealing with the pain, but once in awhile I can’t help but notice these things. It sort of delays healing. It also sends mixed messages about how my ex-wife feels about me. She was pretty hateful around the time we divorced and told me she never wants to talk to me again.

I'm glad I've found someone new and I'm very happy - so when I see these things its conflicting, strange, and doesn't make much sense at all. 

Can anyone make any sense as to what is going on here?


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## dormant

If she can still get to you, I don't think you are completely over her yet.


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## norajane

dormant said:


> If she can still get to you, I don't think you are completely over her yet.


:iagree:

You're right that all these reminders delay healing. Maybe you can do a bit more to minimize them for now.

I'd suggest staying off Facebook and/or blocking both her and him so you don't see their posts/pics (I think you can do that? If not, stay off FB for now).

Also, when people bring her up to you, ask them not to do that anymore as you are moving on and she is nothing to do with you anymore. If you ask nicely, your friends will be more careful about it.


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## SamuraiJack

Dude...
I think you are trying to convince yourself you are over her.
Cut her out of your life. No kids? Great!

Absolutely NO reason to talk with her.
Ever.
Again.


She's your ex for a reason.


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## Cinema79

SamuraiJack said:


> Dude...
> I think you are trying to convince yourself you are over her.
> Cut her out of your life. No kids? Great!
> 
> Absolutely NO reason to talk with her.
> Ever.
> Again.
> 
> 
> She's your ex for a reason.


I don't talk with her. I haven't said a thing to her in a year and half. I've moved to a different town, been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for one year. Dude - I'm over it!

Yes, it was a mistake to check her page. I told myself I wouldn't do that again.


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## WorkingOnMe

Your own posts are always visible on anyone's age even it it's private. She didn't just make your posts public, you can see them because they're yours. The disappeared because she finally deleted them. I think you're reading into things and seeing something that's not there.


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## lenzi

Cinema79 said:


> We've both moved on...
> 
> ...or so it seems...


It seems that you both have a need to check up on each other from time to time. 

You've both moved on to some degree, but still think about each other, maybe even miss one another. Hey it's ok. Just be honest with yourself about it. 



Cinema79 said:


> One night, I was feeling sort of curious and decided to check on her Facebook page.


You were feeling like you were sorta missing her. It happens. Yes, even years later. You think about a fond moment, a memory resurfaces, and you think about the "what if things could have been different".



Cinema79 said:


> Her page is private - but she made a few of my “I love you” posts to her public from many years ago.


No, she didn't. Only you could see those posts (before she deleted them), nothing had changed. You want to believe you still have some sort of a hold over her.. that she still cares, still loves you.. enough to go and make those posts visible to the world! That if you snapped your fingers she'd come running back. The sense of power and control, even though false, helps you cope. 



Cinema79 said:


> Then, about a month later I checked again to see if they were still there and they weren’t.


She deleted you. She's moving on, and apparently doing it a better job of it than you are. 



Cinema79 said:


> The OM and I have some mutual friends. He will sometimes post things on the same thread right after my posts in order to engage me in some way.


He's baiting you. He's bored, unhappy, hostile, whatever. He's looking for some cheap thrills. Who cares. I guess you do since you haven't blocked him and you're here talking about it. 



Cinema79 said:


> I have a website with analytics and my ex-wife will sometimes visit my site.


She's having a moment. So she goes and looks. Just like you do. The only difference is that she doesn't know you're checking up on her and tracking her online movements. 



Cinema79 said:


> People who know both my ex and I have come up to me and have told me that she is a "b!tch". I don't even bring her up. I just change the subject.


Not seeing how this is at all relevant to anything. 



Cinema79 said:


> She has gained roughly 40lbs since the beginning of the year. I saw a recent photo of her appear in my feed and was shocked


It's your belief that she's not happy now, she's made a horrible mistake by leaving you for another man, and the weight gain proves this. This is all about that whole "power and control" thing that you'd like to have over her. 



Cinema79 said:


> I quickly blocked the feed of the guy who posted the pic in order to not see her show up again.


Yet you didn't quickly block the feed of the OM when he started posting after you. 



Cinema79 said:


> To be honest, I’ve been really good about moving on and dealing with the pain, but once in awhile I can’t help but notice these things.


You can't help but regress a bit. Its natural. But call it what it is.



Cinema79 said:


> It sort of delays healing. It also sends mixed messages about how my ex-wife feels about me.


It says a lot more about how you feel about her. 



Cinema79 said:


> Can anyone make any sense as to what is going on here?


Healing isn't linear. 

You'll get there. 

Some day you won't care about what she's doing and how she feels about you.


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## chillymorn

shes a nosy shrew.

stay away at all cost.


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## Cinema79

chillymorn said:


> shes a nosy shrew.
> 
> stay away at all cost.


Will do. I learned my lesson. I'm glad we don't live in the same town anymore.


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## Cinema79

lenzi said:


> It seems that you both have a need to check up on each other from time to time.
> 
> You've both moved on to some degree, but still think about each other, maybe even miss one another. Hey it's ok. Just be honest with yourself about it.
> 
> 
> 
> You were feeling like you were sorta missing her. It happens. Yes, even years later. You think about a fond moment, a memory resurfaces, and you think about the "what if things could have been different".
> 
> 
> 
> No, she didn't. Only you could see those posts (before she deleted them), nothing had changed. You want to believe you still have some sort of a hold over her.. that she still cares, still loves you.. enough to go and make those posts visible to the world! That if you snapped your fingers she'd come running back. The sense of power and control, even though false, helps you cope.
> 
> 
> 
> She deleted you. She's moving on, and apparently doing it a better job of it than you are.
> 
> 
> 
> He's baiting you. He's bored, unhappy, hostile, whatever. He's looking for some cheap thrills. Who cares. I guess you do since you haven't blocked him and you're here talking about it.
> 
> 
> 
> She's having a moment. So she goes and looks. Just like you do. The only difference is that she doesn't know you're checking up on her and tracking her online movements.
> 
> 
> 
> Not seeing how this is at all relevant to anything.
> 
> 
> 
> It's your belief that she's not happy now, she's made a horrible mistake by leaving you for another man, and the weight gain proves this. This is all about that whole "power and control" thing that you'd like to have over her.
> 
> 
> 
> Yet you didn't quickly block the feed of the OM when he started posting after you.
> 
> 
> 
> You can't help but regress a bit. Its natural. But call it what it is.
> 
> 
> 
> It says a lot more about how you feel about her.
> 
> 
> 
> Healing isn't linear.
> 
> You'll get there.
> 
> Some day you won't care about what she's doing and how she feels about you.


Great breakdown.


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## Fenix

Two steps forward, one back. *shrug* it's the divorce dance.


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## Jellybeans

Stop checking her Facebook.


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## movealong

Jellybeans said:


> Stop checking her Facebook.


:iagree: Best.Advice.Ever.


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## Almostrecovered

so you're basically still stalking each other


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## WolverineFan

If the two of you were married then something drew you together. You don't just have that kind of a connection and then think that everything has disappeared because you've gotten a divorce or have become involved with another person. Divorce is actually a pretty violent act, in that, it takes a relationship that was established by the choice of two people who made commitments to one another, and then completely rips it apart. No one, and I mean no one, comes out of a divorce clean-cut without residue clinging to their personhood.

Nothing you have shared is really that odd. It's actually pretty normal. I hope that you find complete healing and move forward in grace and mercy. Blessings!


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## Cinema79

WolverineFan said:


> If the two of you were married then something drew you together. You don't just have that kind of a connection and then think that everything has disappeared because you've gotten a divorce or have become involved with another person. Divorce is actually a pretty violent act, in that, it takes a relationship that was established by the choice of two people who made commitments to one another, and then completely rips it apart. No one, and I mean no one, comes out of a divorce clean-cut without residue clinging to their personhood.
> 
> Nothing you have shared is really that odd. It's actually pretty normal. I hope that you find complete healing and move forward in grace and mercy. Blessings!


Thanks. I've been thinking the same things lately, I agree wholeheartedly with what you've wrote.


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## GusPolinski

dormant said:


> If she can still get to you, I don't think you are completely over her yet.


Word. Unfriend and block your ex and her new guy, and then unfriend any common or mutual friends w/ whom you're not actual, RL friends. Then lock down all of your privacy and security settings so that only your friends can see your timeline, pics, etc.


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## Chuck71

I agree with earlier post, completely normal. Your X's new guy is trying

to toad you into a confrontation, to make himself look good. IMO...

that guy may be in hot water with your X and wanting brownie points.

But when you spend so many years with someone, you can't help

but think back on some of the great memories. I still do mine,

probably always will. But it is where it should be, in the past.

I miss the moments where we could just look at one another and

we knew what the other was thinking. But that person left this world

yeas ago.


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