# Husband's sudden obsession with hot wife/cuckold/swinging



## sevenfortyeight (Mar 31, 2017)

Seriously confused about what is going on with him. I doubt he's having an affair - if this happens to be something that triggers it or maybe I'm just more aware of it, I don't know. He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc. Now I noticed he downloaded a "private browser and downloader" a couple days ago, in which I asked him. He was all like well I use it to keep the kids out of my phone and so I can safely share these videos with you. It's an excuse! The kids have NEVER touched his phone and they are well aware to never touch without asking first! That's another thing I'm confused on! They have their own devices and electronics. Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For most people swinging is best left as a fantasy. Don't feel bad about not doing it - for the great majority of people this leads to huge problems. (I'm fine with the small minority for whom swinging works, but it is a small minority).

If he is asking for swinging and sharing porn videos with you, but still adding security to his phone, it may be that there is some other interest that he is hiding. Is it possible that he is bi-curious or has some other kink that he is embarrassed to admit? That isn't necessarily a problem if he can talk about it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How old are you and your husband, OP? If he's late 30's, early 40's, it could be a sort of midlife crisis, a curiosity about things he never got to experience. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to get it out of his system I think he may need to share more with you about his thinking and feeling. It's good that you have clear boundaries, and it's very good that he's not pressuring - it's also good that you're not judging or shaming him, as that would only push him to hide things completely, and that's not healthy for either of you or your marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sevenfortyeight said:


> .... I doubt he's having an affair -
> 
> *He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc.*
> 
> ......Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - *Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.*


You have a great attitude, you care for you family and H, and you understand the situation. Well done.

He probably has a porn addiction. Talk to him and ask if for you and the sake of your family he can scale back on the porn addiction and use the time to do something else, something constructive. Tell him you will support him, as you know it will be hard. Tell him that you would like the two of you to go to marriage counseling about it. 

Many fantasies should be just that things that never become real. Adding a third person sexually, would likely ruin your marriage and I would advice against it. However, you and he get to decide what your really want. I wouldn't do it.

If you want to fuflill his fantasy, tell him that it must stay a fantasy and not real, but that you will allow him to explore his fantasy via roleplaying, if he will stop watching porn and pay more attention to you. There is an interesting video of a TED talk, that discusses how a woman might allow her husband to fantasize about a FMF 3-some. It involves thought but not action, action but not touch, etc. It could also work with his cuckhold fantasy. That is you could do a role playing MFM using the same techniques. 


Skip to the 10 minute mark to learn about "monogomish" and a way of role playing that should not violate your marriage. 





Personally, I would suggest you not fulfill his fantasy and instead get some counseling for the two of you.

Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sevenfortyeight said:


> Seriously confused about what is going on with him.


Awkwardly enough this is a relatively common fantasy that men have, and unfortunately it is glorified by the porn industry. 

It is important that you two talk about this. Perhaps the two of you may enjoy role playing a little in a way that uses this fantasy to enhance monogamous lovemaking, or perhaps you ask ask him to keep that fantasy limited to him just watching porn videos. 

If you want to have some fun with this and be a little playful, put some virtual reality goggles and headphones on him and set up a remote camera to allow him to "watch" the two of you in real time from a different point of view. Perhaps setup the camera so he gets to watch as if he is hiding in the closet. This way the two of you can act out a scenario where he gets to watch you with a man, but it is set up in such a way that he just happens to actually be the man that he is watching. Odds are he would get really excited about that idea if you mentioned it to him. This way it works out to keeping things just the two of you!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Too much porn not enough sweat.

He needs to work his body too exhaustion two or three times a week and stop watching porn.

Do not ever feel bad. You didn't sign up for this and he started it after you were married.

Folks that "start" after being monogamous their whole lives and with one less than 100% positive partner destroy themselves!

If he loves and respects you, he won't bring it up again as you have given him a solid no.

Does he work out?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

For some, this behavior may be normal but I think this sounds plain messed up. He's gotten himself hooked on some creepy porno ****. Imagine a respectable man married to a respectable woman asks her to have sex with another guy...while he watches??? I don't get this, perhaps others do but I would start thinking about getting rid of him or insist that he never again ask you to do such horrid things.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Once again, let it stay a fantasy. Opening your marriage is a recipe for disaster. Ask him how he would feel if you opened the marriage and you had partner after partner, and he did not. Oh yeah! The **** fantasy, remember, it can be used against you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> How old are you and your husband, OP? If he's late 30's, early 40's, it could be a sort of midlife crisis, a curiosity about things he never got to experience. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to get it out of his system I think he may need to share more with you about his thinking and feeling. It's good that you have clear boundaries, and it's very good that he's not pressuring - it's also good that you're not judging or shaming him, as that would only push him to hide things completely, and that's not healthy for either of you or your marriage.


I agree with this and forgot to add in my last post that talking about desires,urges and fantasies should be safe and encouraged.

He should not keep asking you to actually cuckold him again but fantasies can be extremely fun.

As an experiment to understand others, I have put my head in the "lifestyle" and pretended I was swinging a couple of times with Mrs. Conan.

The sex was very hot and my climax was incredible!

Our sex life has improved since and we have super hot sex and incredible climaxes without fantasies as well.

It was not better but different and didn't hurt our relationship at all.


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## sevenfortyeight (Mar 31, 2017)

I'm 33 years old. We've been married for 15 years


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## sevenfortyeight (Mar 31, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Too much porn not enough sweat.
> 
> He needs to work his body too exhaustion two or three times a week and stop watching porn.
> 
> ...


No he does not work out.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sevenfortyeight said:


> No he does not work out.


Then he should.

it will burn off some of that misguided sexual energy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

sevenfortyeight said:


> Seriously confused about what is going on with him. I doubt he's having an affair - if this happens to be something that triggers it or maybe I'm just more aware of it, I don't know. He's getting to work at 7am and downloading porn videos to his phone, watching it after he gets home, watching the videos while he is on the toilet, etc. Now I noticed he downloaded a "private browser and downloader" a couple days ago, in which I asked him. He was all like well I use it to keep the kids out of my phone and so I can safely share these videos with you. It's an excuse! The kids have NEVER touched his phone and they are well aware to never touch without asking first! That's another thing I'm confused on! They have their own devices and electronics. Our sex life hasn't changed in any way about this except he's asked me to swing or find another guy to have sex with while he watches,. I'm not willing to, and I feel bad about not willing to fulfill this fantasy and he's ok with this - Not pressuring me which I'm grateful for.


Gross, don't feel bad about it. You have a right to your own boundaries. He shouldn't be downloading porn at work.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sevenfortyeight said:


> No he does not work out.


That needs to be remedied. The physical pain/discomfort from intense work or exercise is necessary for health, both physical and mental.

He is most probably warping his perceptions by not exercising and rotting his mind with porn to stimulate him.

Can you talk to him about this?

He seems to love and respect you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there is another much longer thread on here about cuckolding, i suggest you read it. has some good ideas and a few warnings.

Does he have any sort of sexual dysfunction? he might be afraid he can not fully satisfy you sexually, and instead of you going to look outside the marriage and ending in divorce, maybe he is trying to find a way for you to be sexually happy but still be part of your sex life?

as far to as actual hotwifing, i suggest role playing it first...maybe it is all in his head, and his dressing up and pretending to be someone else is all he needs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I am not into hot wife/cuckold at all and that particular scenario I believe carries some extra risk as compared to other consensual nonmonogamous activities. 

I have however had quite a bit of experience in the swinging lifestyle however and have had numerous full swap, group sex and 3some experience. 

As you have described so far, I think the biggest concern here is that he is downloading porn on company time. 

Will this put his employment at risk or get him in trouble at work?

That is your immediate concern here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as the interest in hot wife/cuckold, I don't think the sky is falling and I don't see the need to hit the panic button yet. 

You've been married a long time and you married very young. Your relationship may have reached a level of trust and security that he does feel comfortable in approaching you about trying something a little different. 

The fact that he has brought this up to you and has been willing to work with you on it is actually a good sign. Many 30-something men that have been married for 10+ years simply pack up their stuff and move out to find other women and another wife and start a new life and start a new family, so lets keep that in mind. 

And that fact that he is respecting your wishes and not pressuring you or whining or sulking or having it cause any change in your marital sex life is also a good thing. 

From what you have written thus far, I am not seeing any signs of "distress" here. 

This may simply be a dude who has got turned on watching some porn videos and has gotten some ideas of what he thinks may be fun for him and wife and he has asked his wife about it. 

It is her prerogative whether she wants to give it a whirl or not and if she doesn't and she declines the offer and he accepts her declination and doesn't pressure her for it and doesn't have a problem with her declination and marital life carries on as usual here - then there really isn't an immediate problem here. 

Swinging/cuckold/hot wife/3somes etc are real things that married couples do participate in and enjoy. 

For some it does lead to problems. For others it does not and a good time is had by all with no problems. 

If no one approached their partner about it, then there would be no swinging or 3somes etc in the world. It has to start somewhere. Your husband took a personal risk to ask you about this. 

If you don't want to do it, then it is absolutely your prerogative to not do it and to not be bothered by it and it is his responsibility to respect your wishes. 

But the fact that a young, healthy man in a healthy, stable marriage approached his wife about doing something a little different, does not need to in and of it'self trigger any alarm bells as long as there are not other associated issues with it like picking up chicks on the side, using pressure, duress, manipulation etc and as long as the relationship and marital sex life are trucking along as business as usual. 

After 15 years, you may be wanting to try something a little different yourself. It is very important for a couple to be able to bring up and discuss these topics and each other's fantasies and be able to discuss them and address them in a healthy manner and not just judge and condem them because they are different than the expected norm.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sevenfortyeight said:


> No he does not work out.


If your husband is using porn he could be overstimulating himself sexually, and a "sudden" obsession with a new fantasy could be him seeking an extreme novelty as a means to compensate for overstimulation so that he can still be able to enjoy sex with you. Combine this with the fact that he is not getting much if any exercise and that greatly exacerbates the problem. 

Set aside the topic of your husband's fantasy and approach it from an "overstimulation" and "not enough exercise" point of view. Explain to him that sexually speaking that less can be more, and that regular exercise will help him naturally manage his libido in a way that should be more enjoyable for the two of you within a monogamous context. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> That needs to be remedied. *The physical pain/discomfort from intense work or exercise is necessary for health, both physical and mental.*
> 
> *He is most probably warping his perceptions by not exercising and rotting his mind with porn to stimulate him.*
> 
> ...


There is no doubt that porn is warping his mind. Today's porn is glamorizing the concept of sharing your wife or allow someone else to have their way with her. 

There are a few who will actually like it but most men will be overcome with extreme jealousy. What seemed hot while watching porn, tears their heart in two, when done in real life. 

The wife usually AND RIGHTFULLY, feels used and unloved until the OM whispers in her ear while they're doing it, the words that any women in such a situation would want to hear. " If you were my girl, I would never share you." Boom, game over for the husband.

You're husbands needs to cut the porn and get his but in the gym to lift some heavy iron to up his T levels. No normal healthy man would want another man to touch you. Just the thought of you with another man, should make his blood boil with rage.

Do not allow your husband to cheapen you. If he won't wake up, it's better to divorce with honor than to allow his dark fantasies to debauch you. Once you go down that path, you won't be able to undue the damage to the marriage or to your psych.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Unfortunately the fetishes you mention happen to be the most popular ones out there and the porn industry knows it and feeds it as long as they can make a buck. What happens is guys masturbate to that kind of porn until they associate sexual pleasure with the fetishes they watch. I am from the pre internet age where you had to go out and find a girl to do those things.

I have done all of those things you mentioned and more over my 44 year marriage. I did not know what they were called but our friends asked to wife swap and other friends invited us into soft swinging. My wife is the one who asked two girlfriends to join us in bed and her best friend to have sex with me to cheer her up after a bitter divorce. I never went looking for these things. I have been on most of the major sex forums and see all the guys talking about the fetishes you mentioned and bemoaning the fact that their wives will not do it for them. There are several reasons for liking those fetishes that range from bisexual urges to wanting to see a live porn show and then go home with the star.

For most it is just masturbation fodder. My wife and I are very open about masturbation and what turns us on. She does not mind if I look at porn as long as she benefits from it.  I would not worry about it as your husband is in good company with many millions of men all over the world. I would talk openly with no judgement about his masturbation. I never met a man who did not masturbate. Find out what he likes about that type of porn. It is said that jealousy and sexual arousal have the same physical effect on men. The only difference is the circumstances they feel it in. So watching that kind of porn over and over will associate those acts as sexual arousal because online the woman is not you and he is not feeling jealous, just aroused. The problem with most fetishes is that they nag at you until done. However, wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things.

Best thing to do is tell him that you do not mind him looking at porn for whatever reason, as long as it does not affect your sex life. The secret to a great sex life is frank and good communication about each others sexual likes and fetishes. I know a lot of couples that role play cuckolding. The wife will talk about some guy she saw and how good it must feel to be with a more sexually endowed man. That will arouse your husband if he is into that kind of porn, trust me on that. Some wives will use a dildo while telling their husbands about ex lovers and how good and big they were. Some guys like the humiliation aspect of those type of fetishes and if that is the case with your husband, you can tell him that his penis is too small, no matter its size and how it rarely gives you the kind of pleasure you got from ex lovers. Basically you are doing his fetishes without actually doing them. One wife we knew left am empty magnum condom wrapper in their bedroom after getting tired of hearing her husband ask her to have sex with another guy and then tell him about it.

As someone who led a fetish sex life, I hope that I shed some light on the subject and explained the different options you have. The problem is that a kink is something a man wants to do while a fetish is something he has to do. Odds are that he is just mastrubating to that stuff. That stuff requires a wife so cheating is not going to do him any good. Don't worry about it but try to find something safe that you an do to feed his fetish without actually doing it. Many guys are content with just pretending.


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## biggunz69 (Apr 2, 2017)

I don't think it is that abnormal


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