# 5 year old needing therapy?



## mamatoellie (Apr 23, 2013)

I have a 5 year old stepson who (unfortunately) has two very different sets of rules between our house and his mother's house. He has slept in the same bed as his mother since birth (still does) and because of this my husband has been sleeping on a twin mattress in his room for almost a year now. He is terrified of being alone - won't go to the bathroom by himself, won't play by himself... this gets extremely frustrating when I'm tending to my 5 month old and he is yanking on my arm to stand inside the bathroom while he pees!

Speaking of peeing... he is peeing his pants at least once a day, claiming he didn't knowhe had to go. We've tried time outs, we've tried the reward system, we've tried the "accident talk" and tried getting him to go every hour. It's gotten to the point where the kid actually pooped himself once on Saturday and twice on Sunday.

I know 5 year olds aren't the best listeners, but he flat out ignores everyone when they are talking. He always claims "I always do what I want to do" and has the attitude of a teenager (he has a 13 yo sister on his mother's side) which I've tried explaining is "not nice talk" and that "we talk nice in Daddy's house." Time outs are not affective, when you tell him to go sit in the corner he rolls his eyes and makes faces at the cats.

I don't know if we need to start taking him to therapy for his behavior, or if there is something we can do at home. I feel like we've exhausted all of our options, and nothing is helping. As a side note, we have made sure during my pregnancy and during the arrival of the baby that he has been included in everything. We do not show favoritism towards either child and he is very good at being a big brother to her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think it's the adults who need therapy, not the son. The three of you need to start working on what's right for him, instead of each doing your own dysfunctional thing. That may mean family therapy, with all three parents. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mamatoellie (Apr 23, 2013)

PBear said:


> I think it's the adults who need therapy, not the son. The three of you need to start working on what's right for him, instead of each doing your own dysfunctional thing. That may mean family therapy, with all three parents.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you! The sad part is, whenever we bring up his behavior she makes him out to be an angel at her house, which we know isn't the case. They (Mother and Husband) had tried family counseling when SS was born and she refused to show up. I am hopeful that we can do something within our household to help SS because she/her house is unreliable and unpredictable.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I sounds like he has anxiety more specific separation anxiety. It would help him for both of you to be understanding and at the moment give in to his needs, once he feels secure he will do things on his own. Try to see his life trough his eyes, he is five and he feels unstable, plus with anew baby he probably feels replaced. Be patient and loving hug him make him feel safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Also, is he afraid of the bathroom? I used to be so scared of the sound of the tiolet flushing that I would run out as soon as I flushed. Children can be a mystery sometimes.
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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is his toileting issue something new, or has it always been incomplete or sporadic independence?

At 5, separation anxiety can be extreme and still be relatively normal. Since you have a new baby, any fears or developmental issues he may have had, are ging to become more pronounced.

Time out for accidents are NOT the answer. Simply have him clean himself up and change his clothing. Dont make a big deal out of it. Does he have accidents at school too? If not, things at home need to change. If yes, then he is regressing. Regression about toileting is still on the relatively normal scale. Considering the new baby, regression can be expected.

What you describe seems fairly normal considering he is only 5, and has two sets of rules to adjust to, and a new baby in one of his homes.

Making faces at the cat? Now that's funny. He is angry he's being punished, he is 5, showing his anger to someone is important. Ignore it.

When a child "flat out doesnt listen" it's time to change the message. Keep it simple and use manipulatives when explaining rules or expectations. You give a request and hold up a finger, give a second request, hold up a second finger and so on. No more than 3 fingers at a time for 5 year olds.
"Put your shoes in your closet..." Hold up one finger.
"Close the closet door..". Hold up second finger.
"Bring your yellow truck down stairs..." Hold up third finger.

"Now tell me what I asked you to do." Have him touch your fingers as he recounts his list. If he gets it wrong, repeat instructions patiently until he gets it right. When he gets it right, reward with big smile and a "good job for remembering! I'm going to count to... See if you can get it all done and set the world record."

It's been my experience that when parents have trouble with young children behaving, it is almost always inappropriate expectations. They fail to understand the developmental stage and act accordingly.

When young children have been living under conditions in which too much was expected of them, the world becomes a very scary and confusing place to be. Fears become more pronounced, toileting becomes a problem. The toileting issue could be one of control or it could be fear, or it could be that he is too focused/engrossed in the current activity and doesn't recognize the symptoms of a full bladder. But when a child who previously could get themselves to the potty to poop, begins to poop in their pants, that is a sign that something is wrong. Not wrong with him, something is wrong in HIS world and it's up to the adults to make his world safe once again.


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