# Should I ask...



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Ok, I feel weird asking this and need constructive advice please...

My wife and I are having troubles in our marriage...essentially we've drifted over the past few years after having 2 kids in a row. I am fully commited to making our marriage work, and she wants the old me back. The problem with me is that certain things career wise have not yet worked out and i am not as satisfied with life as I used to be when younger, I am less energetic and happy. Put that on top of financia;l and marital problems + stress of fully participating in raising our kids...I'm just not the same person I was. Neither is she but bottom line is we are willing to work on this

I'm ok with putting in as much work as it takes to fix our relationship BUT what is getting to me on a daily basis is the lack of SEX...seriously. Itis making me go nuts... I've mentioned this to her and she just doesn't feel it right n0ow. Everytime I see her in a short skirt, towek, legs (its summer!!) that is all that will come to my mind and will not leave... 

I don't think I can wait till we get to this special place again in our relationship to have her. I cannot change overnight...but I cant wait for it anylonger

Advice please .... how do I approach this. Sounding needy will likely get me nada but that is how I feel. Oh and by the way... I have tried to set the mood cuddle, listen to her but in the end it is like time to sleep, I'm tired etc...


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey . . . you dont' state how long you're married or how old you both are, etc. But, I hear what you're saying. I got the 'I want the old you back' speech too.... and, it sounds like you want the 'old her back' as well (the one that did what needed to be done to have the two kids back to back). 

I don't think I have any concrete advice for you except that both sides of this need to be discussed. Part of the 'old you' that she's looking for got sex on some regular basis (I'm guessing at least more often than you're getting it now) - and this makes a difference in how we guys are feeling, acting, etc. My 47 year old wife of nearly 20 years recently remarked to me that 'you seem agitated if we don't have sex for a few days' - as if this was something new and different (not!) and as if there was something wrong with me for not wanting it regularly (not again). I pointed out to her that if I didn't care whether we had sex or not should be more of an issue with her, really. 

There are probably many other issues that you two need to work on to restoring things in your marriage, but I feel that sex can be a relatively 'easy' point to start (as opposed to trying to sort out a myriad of emotions/counter-emotions, etc.). And, I am not ignoring that sex for women tends to be more emotional/feeling connected than it tends to be for men - but the physical act of doing it is good for both.

It's also worth pointing out, for good or for bad, that your marrriage will never be the same as when you started . . . you all are a family now, not just a couple, and all these dynamics change things. It can all be for the good too by working on it - good luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You only need a visual cue to make yourself horny for your wife.
But your wife needs to see you as satisfied with life, on top of your career, energetic and happy. She will not become sexual for you without this. You have to create those things within yourself, as opposed to waiting for her to become sexual as your motivation to become what she would appreciate.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

True...and i am trying to put things together and move on but in the mean time before I acheive career goal should i just become acustomed to my sexless marriage? really? hmmm



Hicks said:


> You only need a visual cue to make yourself horny for your wife.
> But your wife needs to see you as satisfied with life, on top of your career, energetic and happy. She will not become sexual for you without this. You have to create those things within yourself, as opposed to waiting for her to become sexual as your motivation to become what she would appreciate.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Sounds a lot like what i've gone through in the past few years. Check out this blog: www.marriedmansexlife.com/

And I'd suggest buying his book. It was a real eye opener for me, as most of my "Alpha" type of behavor declined over the years as I bent pressure to try and be a "better" married man, ramping up the "Beta" type of behavor. Over time the loss of Alpha behavor eventually led my wife to "I'm just not intrested in sex", when in reality she's just not that intrested in sex with me.

It's certainly not an overnight fix, but we've had more good days than bad over the last few months.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> True...and i am trying to put things together and move on but in the mean time before I acheive career goal should i just become acustomed to my sexless marriage? really? hmmm


does ANY man really achieve his career goal? i don't think so. so for that reason alone you can't just wait.

you need to break your life into separate areas... family, career, entertainment/hobbies/relaxation, marriage and get in good places in all those independently.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

How long married? How old are you and your wife? How old are the two kids? Do both of you work outside the home?

Why isn't your wife feeling it? What reasons does she give?

How long since the last baby? Having babies can take a lot out of a woman - as can then breastfeeding and working. What kind of birth control - hormonal bc can kill a woman's libido.

I think I was in a perpetual fatigue buzz for about two years after each child and it was really, really hard. I did try my darndest, though, to keep my husband satisfied, but that sometimes requires an act of will on a wife's part (it did on my part).

We found that it really helped for my H to have foreplay with me all day - he would flirt, touch lightly, let me know he felt desire, but he wouldn't really push or make me feel bad if I was just too overwhelmed. Do you flirt with your wife so it's something that she can look forward to, how do you approach her?

Best wishes.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I am trying...to be a little more specific but not too much...

I am trying to get into a professional school, this would be a career i love, heck forget about career, i would absolutely love the educational journey...I feel the enthusuiasm, excitment would be back in terms of career. It crosses over at the point of money...currently we just dont make enough, its causing stress in all sorts of places
It depresses me not to be able to provide and feel stuck...and i just dont have energy/mental energy to pursue a plan B, so i have fixed my application to professional school hoping for the best...

I know that I cannot wait for this to happen to be happy, but i have always worn my heart on my sleeve so to speak and the last few years has been a total setback like I have never experienced before to the point where I cannot honestly say that this is my career goal because it might totally not happen...feel so stuck




Married&Confused said:


> does ANY man really achieve his career goal? i don't think so. so for that reason alone you can't just wait.
> 
> you need to break your life into separate areas... family, career, entertainment/hobbies/relaxation, marriage and get in good places in all those independently.


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## Voyager (May 23, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> True...and i am trying to put things together and move on but in the mean time before I acheive career goal should i just become acustomed to my sexless marriage? really? hmmm


I would say no. Becoming accustomed to a sexless marriage is a step towards a distant relationship. Sex is important to you in your marriage. But it doesn't appear to be as important to your wife. Neither of you are necessarily right or wrong. But... it's certainly a sign that you're not both on the same page. 

Have you and your wife considered some counseling? I know a lot of people are embarrassed about lack of sex and just assume that's what their married life will be like. It's become such a stereotype that it's almost acceptable. Yet, lack of sex in my marriage was definitely a sign of deeper problems. If I knew then what I know now....

Consider it. Happy spouse, happy house.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> True...and i am trying to put things together and move on but in the mean time before I acheive career goal should i just become acustomed to my sexless marriage? really? hmmm


No, sex is important in a marriage.

But it appears that it is more important for you than her at this point. What do you think your wife needs in order for it to be important to her again (I am assuming that it WAS important to her at one point).

These things can be intangibles - emotions. For instance, I am not too stuck on what career path my husband is on as long as he has DRIVE and CONFIDENCE and a PLAN. There's no waffling or waiting around on his end.

That confidence in a man is very attractive - it's not the end destination of where he may end up that is important (to me), but his everyday actions and self-assurance that are attractive and comforting.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There may be some resentment issue that your wife may be experiencing towards you that has lowered her sexual desire for you.

Why don't you sit down with your wife and ask her in a *calm, quiet and respectful* fashion if she feels any resentment towards you and *listen, truly listen to her*. Once she's done, thank her, give her a hug and a kiss, then leave her alone to think.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> You only need a visual cue to make yourself horny for your wife.
> But your wife needs to see you as satisfied with life, on top of your career, energetic and happy. She will not become sexual for you without this. You have to create those things within yourself, as opposed to waiting for her to become sexual as your motivation to become what she would appreciate.


thats a tall order to fill...

espically with the ups and downs life throws at you.

dosn't the wife bare some responsibility in doing the things she can to parsipatate her husbands happness?

its a give and take thing but sounds like a take and take thing with her. 

so she shut him off because he wasn't making the grade.

sounds like she a very suportive loving wife.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

I know what is mostly...its me not being enegetic and happy as i used to. I am stuck right now in a career rut and am trying desperatly to enter a professional program. This has been a downer for me for a couple of reasons 1) since young i have been striving for this and put endless effort towrds this so getting in is killing me 2) not only is it a career i dream to be in, but it would also help my family immensely...so..I am trying but for now atleast it is not planning out...

I know what i got to do...find something that will make me happy + enthusiastic again, that will challenge me and be exciting...but

between now and then (doesnt happen overnight) I cannot live like this anymore (ie sex wise)!!!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> between now and then (doesnt happen overnight) I cannot live like this anymore (ie sex wise)!!!


So, what's your plan for addressing this? Are you going to talk with your wife? Does she know what your feelings and needs are? Are you going to do IC or suggest MC?

Have you devised a plan for getting to the career point that you want? AND you say that your issues with your career path are causing the lack of happinesss/enthusiasm that your wife would like to see from you, but does she care as much about your career path, or is it more to have enthusiasm and happiness with your family - your kids, your wife, your current circumstances?

"_We spend too much time making a living and too little time living and making_." ~ R Dillon

And the thing about happiness - only you can truly make yourself happy - it is a choice - and it can start right now. YOU don't have to wait for all the stars to align to get to your happy place.

"_If you want to be happy, be_." ~Leo Tolstoy

God Bless.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Hicks said:


> You only need a visual cue to make yourself horny for your wife.
> But your wife needs to see you as satisfied with life, on top of your career, energetic and happy. She will not become sexual for you without this. You have to create those things within yourself, as opposed to waiting for her to become sexual as your motivation to become what she would appreciate.


Yes this... my husband of 22 years is grumpy, negative and clearly dissatisfied with his life and my attraction to him is waning. I need to feel close to him, appreciated by him to want to have sex with him. He too doesn't seem to get that and grumps about not getting sex as if I am withholding it on purpose to torture him (which I am not). I want to want it, but I cannot just turn it on as long as he is moping about and miserable and not really even nice to me.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Thehusband2 said:


> I know what i got to do...find something that will make me happy + enthusiastic again, that will challenge me and be exciting...but


You have to find that inside yourself. There will always be more money out there, better jobs out there, unfulfilled goals. You have to find a way to be satisfied with your present and future in order to make your wife feel more sexual.



Thehusband2 said:


> between now and then (doesnt happen overnight) I cannot live like this anymore (ie sex wise)!!!


Let's say you were not married, and approached a female to try to "pick her up". Would you tell her that you hate your job, you are depressed. Would you appear unahppy and depressed? Being of the mindset that your wife ought to be sexual just becuase you are married is a losing mindset. Being of the mindset that you are going to make a plan to bring sexuality back into your marriage, and executing the plan is a productive mindset.

The last thing is what if you today told your wife that you want a divorce if she does not become more sexual? What would she say? If you feel that she would take the divorce option, then this shows you have work to do to improve yourself. If you feel she would be afraid of a divorce, then you should consider saying it.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Let's say you were not married, and approached a female to try to "pick her up". Would you tell her that you hate your job, you are depressed. Would you appear unahppy and depressed?


Not if you wanted to achieve anything you wouldn't! The difference of course is that if you are picking up someone in a bar who you've never seen before, you can tell them any sort of old b0ll0cks you like in order to impress them, because they don't know you from Adam and provided you can talk a good fight, it'll work.

It's unlikely to work with a wife or other long-term partner because they know enough of the truth to see through the big act, and all you'll do is add being a lying gimp to the long list of things she doesn't like about you.


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

update:
I am realizing that i need to minimize negative things and focus on the positives...instantaneously I feel better! I've been doing this all week along with being more confident and trying to assert myself more...no wishy washyness. BTW i used to be this way and somehow it went away in recent years. 

Anyways... I appraoched my wife and initiated with confidence...the sexless streak is over for now... Now it is time for continued self improvement!!! Appreciate all the advice!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In an LTR the ideal emotional temperature is one that BOTH people are comfortable with. Couples often “fight” for decades over the “thermostat” setting. He likes it really warm and constantly shows and wants to be shown love. She is likes it cooler and dislikes constantly being barraged with “love” as it makes her feel emotionally crowded. She starts seeing him as “clingy and insecure” and she withdraws. He clings harder, she pulls back further feeling ever more crowded. Sex dies and he frantically tries to raise the temperature using an ever increasing stream of love. She loses respect and ends it or has an affair. 
When you overheat someone with too much love, THEIR natural reaction is to try to “cool off” by giving you less love and less OR by provoking conflict to get you to go BACK UP. And they often reduce/stop having sex with you because when they already feel overheated/claustrophobic the LAST thing they want is the intense closeness of sex. Below is an example of badly mismatched thermostat settings.

The WARM/HOT partner wants to “raise” the temperature so they:
1. Are almost always saying ILY or IAILWY first
2. Typically initiate calls/texts/emails when apart/one or both are at work
3. Make “peace” after a fight even when your partner clearly wronged you 
4. Walk around visibly angry/VERY angry after a fight (this comes across as “I am furious that you – the person I LOVE SO MUCH – is doing x,y,z to ME
5. Anxiously keep trying to make up when you were in the wrong because you cannot bear having them angry with you
6. Are mostly/always initiating physical contact (hugs, kisses, touches, groping)
7. When anxious you initiate “talks” about the R, typically to “fix” them/their behavior 
8. Do MORE, sometimes WAY MORE than your fair share of housework
9. Put their needs ahead of yours whenever there is a priority conflict
10. Are constantly seeking their approval
11. Show anxiety or fear when they are angry/frustrated with you
12. Initiate sex when their body language radiates a “lack” of interest/desire, pout/sulk get angry when they tactfully decline sex
The COOL partner wants less warmth so they:
1. React irritably/with hostility to HOT behaviors such as:
a. Discussions about the R
b. Requests for sex. An irritated “NO” when asked for sex is an attempt to throw a bucket of ice water on a painfully overheated moment
2. Often behave more and more disrespectfully to their warmer partner and often steadily deprioritize both the partner and the R hoping to lower the temperature
3. Provoke their partner to create conflict and space

The Warm partner thinks they are repeatedly conveying “I LOVE YOU” with all this activity. The Cooler partner actually hears it as a question, repeated over and over ad nauseum: “Do YOU love ME”? Imagine if you replaced every loving act by literally asking “Do you love me”? How well do you think THAT would fly. 

The core message this thermostat mismatch sends to the cooler partner is: I DON’T DESERVE YOU. And over time your behavior convinces them you are right. 







Thehusband2 said:


> Ok, I feel weird asking this and need constructive advice please...
> 
> My wife and I are having troubles in our marriage...essentially we've drifted over the past few years after having 2 kids in a row. I am fully commited to making our marriage work, and she wants the old me back. The problem with me is that certain things career wise have not yet worked out and i am not as satisfied with life as I used to be when younger, I am less energetic and happy. Put that on top of financia;l and marital problems + stress of fully participating in raising our kids...I'm just not the same person I was. Neither is she but bottom line is we are willing to work on this
> 
> ...


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Instead of dancing around the topic, maybe you should just lay it out to her. Something like "listen, I need sex in a relationship. If you are not willing to be intimate with me at least (insert how many times a week here) then I need you to leave. This issue is a dealbreaker to me and I will not put up with the status quo any longer". Insist on a yes or no answer from her and proceed accordingly. Don't wuss out and just let her blahblahblah you into changing your mind. Say it and MEAN it. And do not accept anything other than a yes or no answer. It is simple, direct and cuts out all the farting around with all these methods that are based on "act this way, hope for the best and see if it makes her change her mind without me having to actually SAY anything".


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## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> Instead of dancing around the topic, maybe you should just lay it out to her. Something like "listen, I need sex in a relationship. If you are not willing to be intimate with me at least (insert how many times a week here) then I need you to leave. This issue is a dealbreaker to me and I will not put up with the status quo any longer". Insist on a yes or no answer from her and proceed accordingly. Don't wuss out and just let her blahblahblah you into changing your mind. Say it and MEAN it. And do not accept anything other than a yes or no answer. It is simple, direct and cuts out all the farting around with all these methods that are based on "act this way, hope for the best and see if it makes her change her mind without me having to actually SAY anything".


hmmm...I've had time that I can tell she wasnt as into it and i feel thi sway I will just be getting more of that! I want a willing partner not just one that is doing it as a contract!


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