# Married but met a more compatible person



## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

In one word = "CONFUSED". Married for 23 years and have slowly grown apart, haven't frenched kissed in more than a year, no more passion. My marriage has become a routine. Wake up, kids to school, to work and then home. She likes doing her things and I do mine. She doesn't like doing what I like and I am not really into what she likes. I cannot think of 2 things we like doing together except for the occasional dinner and then the conversations are about the same things. Sometimes I feel that conversations are all about her and how great things are for her. Nothing really new (hear it all the time), much less: exciting. No fire... no heat..... Intimacy is non-existent. Sometimes I think how could I have missed so badly....

I met someone recently who makes me feel alive, laughs, talks, have at least 1 thing we both really, really love to do. I enjoy myself in the few minutes we talk or meet. This new person is totally opposite. I feel wanted.

As for myself, feel like I am getting old because I am told so repeatedly. I am not very good at uncertainty and what would be like without my crappy situation. By no means am I perfect and have many, many flaws. When we try talking about things... it turns into a "you...." in both directions. So it is best not to talk and ignore everything, including each other. Form my perspective, our conversations are superficial except when we "discuss" financials or kids.

I know this is alot of rambling but this is how confused and fragmented my brain is. Hopefully someone here can help me make sense of it all. I can't.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're in "the fog", man!

Your wife USED to make you feel alive...but you both let that slip away. Why? 

Don't get sucked into an affair. DON'T DO IT! I promise you, the grass isn't greener...Water your own lawn.


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

I appreciate your reply. Sitting here, wondering what to do. Honestly, I am not attracted to my wife and I don;t think she is attracted to me either. How can I get water from what seems to be a desert. I don;t see it


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You don't see it cause you're in 'the fog'. Seriously. 

I've been there. not in my marriage, but in relationships. Don't do it.

Talk to your wife about this. TELL HER what you're feeling/thinking.

Dude. Seriously.


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

In all honesty, this is not the first time I have another woman whom I found myself attracted to for the same reasons and the same kind of thoughts went through my mind. To be more direct, if I didn't have children, I think we would not be together. It is so sad that the thought of much longer until they are adults comes to my mind. As I am told fairly often: (paraphrasing) "this is life with children and at my age"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you talk to her about it? Why not have a talk?! You're married. TALK!


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

I cannot say I have tried to talk to her about it exactly. But I have heard: "I cannot make you happy until you are happy with yourself". Well... I am not happy with myself because I am not happy with my situation... so what gives.

I know I am making it sound as if it is all her...but it is me too. We seem to have all of those things we though we had in common. 

I will follow your advise and try to talk to her. I DO appreciate your responses, feeling crappy here.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Yes I agree with that girl, you're in a fog and seem to have been for awhile now. I know it seems like a tough task to do, but it is easier to talk to your wife about your feelings now then possibly pursue extramarital affairs. It hurts worse to tell her how you feel than to tell her what you ended up doing, or her finding out on her own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

I truly think she is happy with what she has and gets, and I feel she takes me for granted. How can I tell her I am not attracted to her without making things, likely, impossible to live with. She suffers from depression and will go off the deep end.... making me feel worst... making our relationship worse.


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

How does she react if you try to spice things up? Is she open to it? It is a touchy subject to talk about, and anxiety will be there, but you can do it. I wouldn't say bring it up in an angry manner, or blaming way. But let her know you feel you've fallen to the routine and want to try new things with her. Take her by the hand to give yourself a connection. The other lady is currently becoming the third person in your marriage and I would pull away from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

Spice things up. I don;t really know how to or at least it seems that way based on the level of intimacy, or lack thereof, we have. I don;t know.... maybe it is my lack of creativity or just have grown old... she may be right... maybe this is just how life is once we reach a certain age... just don't know.... I feel that I no longer want to be a part of this.... want to do something else..... want to feel different... want to have someone with things in common .... it is all stale... what is interesting though is that I don;t think she has a clue the way I feel.... If I may ask: I get up, I take my kid to school, I work, come home, get a bite (mostly alone), watch tv for a couple of hours, sleep and all over again....all while she is either reading, asking to change channels or working on the computer..... On weekends.... she goes to the barn or hangs out in bed... I go riding... If I don;t ride, I am at home trying to find something to do...she's doing her thing and I do mine......... It's wrong, just wrong...... We may go out to eat but we have the same conversations... I appreciate you guys at least acknowledging my rambling .... Recommendations on how to get better would be greatly appreciated


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## confusedwithconflict (May 8, 2012)

Well possibly MC might help you, or maybe an IC to focus on you and meeting your needs as a person. But I still say talk with your wife so she at least does know how you feel. I wish you the best in it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Agree with others, you need to talk to your W and be as candid with her as you are here. First drop all thoughts of cheating because no good comes of it - you need to sober up from it before you make any marriage threatening decisions.

After you've told her these thoughts and have opened a dialog, start talking about finding a new interest that you can pursue together, there are SO many things to experience in life you can't even have come close to finishing your bucket lists. If you can, take an interest in her hobbies - you may be pleasantly surprised to find out its something you enjoy. Once you start having some shared experiences you may start bonding again and start seeing what attracted you to each other in the beginning.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

Dear at_a_loss,

I'm a man too, probably around your age (50ish). I can relate to how you feel. In fact, I would guess many many men can. It goes like this:

Your marriage has suffered from neglect from both of you. You don't understand how this happened: when you first got married, you were so hot for each other. You had sex all the time. Now, it's just boring, routine, dry, and dull. Where did the magic go? Where is the excitement?

Then a new person comes along. She is vibrant and interesting. She talks about things your wife never talks about. And most of all, she is INTERESTED in you.​
Ok, take a breath. 

First of all, do this thought experiment: imagine you do the unthinkable and you leave your wife and kids and take up with this new lady. Will you actually be happier? Yes, probably. For a while. But then, as always, the fire will die down. It might extinguish entirely, but it might turn into a "normal" kind of mature loving relationship. But one thing I guarantee will NOT happen: it won't stay exciting forever. Everyone knows this. And in fact, if you neglect it as you (and your wife) have done in your present marriage, you will end up precisely back where you are now. Except with a lot more regret (see below).

Secondly, you cannot get away with deserting your wife and kids without some guilt. Society will judge you, your families will judge you, and your conscience will judge you. Unless you have an amazing resolve to ignore your inner-voice, you will have a pretty bad self-image for a long time... perhaps for life. On top of this, your kids will resent you for at least a decade or two, if not for life. Is it worth it?

I'm sorry you feel bored and dead-ended in your marriage. We all get there at times. But really, you signed up for this and now it's time to man-up and take the initiative to fix it.

(1) Stop seeing this other woman. Get away from her. Sever all ties.

(2) Tell your wife that your marriage is in dire health and requires urgent care. Tell her you want to buy some books on revitalizing your marriage, and you want her to read each one after you do.

(3) Go on an extended date with your wife. Find SOME way to get someone else to take the kids and go somewhere overnight. If you have no money, you can still do this cheaply. Be resourceful.

(4) Seek marriage counseling and tell the counselor (privately) all that you have told us. Tell her/him that you are NOT motivated to save your marriage, and that you need help finding that motivation. Then work on getting there. Once you WANT to save the marriage, the rest is downhill.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

at_a_loss said:


> In all honesty, this is not the first time I have another woman whom I found myself attracted to for the same reasons and the same kind of thoughts went through my mind. To be more direct, if I didn't have children, I think we would not be together. It is so sad that the thought of much longer until they are adults comes to my mind. As I am told fairly often: (paraphrasing) "this is life with children and at my age"


You just have weak boundaries. You have to work at marriage. You can indeed fall in love with your wife again. It is in your mind. The brain chemicals will return IF you give the proper effort. You have to be the man and lead this. Yes your wife will have to cooperate but it is not a 50 / 50 thing at first.

See -> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and you need better boundaries. See His Needs Her Needs.

Your choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You seem to be the one in your marriage who is struggling, so you are the one who needs to act and start the ball rolling on rejuvenation of your marriage.

A good first step would be for you to do a few sessions with an individual counselor to see why you have allowed your life to become such a boring routine and what you can do to start doing some things that bring passion back into your life. It’s not just your marriage that has slipped into deep boredom. 

Communication in marriage is paramount. You say that your wife does not seem to know that you are miserable in the marriage. Well you have not told her. She is not a mind reader. It’s not fair to her to expect her to just know what is going on with you. 

I would not be surprised if your wife is experiencing similar feels as you are and if she is just not telling you about it. The two of you don’t seem to have the skills needed to communicate.

You both need to go to marriage counseling (MC). The both of you have neglected your relationship and need to rebuild it… to find the passion again. If you had it once you can get it back.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below about building a passionate marriage. These books can help you and your wife rebuild your marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Basically, you already know you will cheat because you do not want to work on your marriage. We're all giving good advice and you are poo-pooing it saying you're old . Ok, fine. But it seems you're not too old to cheat and have passion there. 

So, it's your choice, but also make it your wife's choice. Don't be a douche and cheat on her. Tell her how you feel, LEAVE and file for divorce. Yea, it's gunna be messy and hurt her but in the long run, it won't hurt her as much as an affair. 

You're "old", right? So act like a grown up and not a child.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Think of when yall first started to go out what did you do where did you go etc. Return to that
Most mcs Will suggest a minimum of 10hours a week of time with just you and her not watching tv but doing things together yes you might need a baby sitter or whatever. I will tell ya that this will bring back intimacy that you used to have had
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## at_a_loss (May 12, 2012)

I've read and re-read every one of your replies. From deep inside, I DO appreciate your thoughts and advise. I will talk to my wife about how I feel and see what I get back. And as many of you recommend: an MC is in order. THANK YOU.


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## Found in the new world (May 12, 2012)

I imagine you've thought most of this through, and all of the advice given to this point is indeed valid. I'll just throw my 2 cents in.

I am 55, in my 3rd marriage, and was looking to end this one because it/we/me/she had become a cliche' of all the things I promised I would never live; no passion, no kindred interests, no joy of living, just existing in a rut so deep, so dark as be a precursor to my grave. 

I too had a woman come into my life at this point. Attractive, intelligent, vivacious, well off financially, to the point of offering to pay my way should I wish to be with her. My one confidant said I was nuts to not take her up on the offer.
But... I had an affair in my 2nd marriage, which had degraded way beyond the point this one has, and painfully learned that no-one, I repeat, no-one wins that game. At one point I had a gun at my head and was squeezing the trigger. No, that isn't the road to walk.

What this woman did do for me was open my eyes to the condition I had _allowed_ my life to become. I am eternally grateful to her for that. 

So, I did ALOT of introspection, got help with the issues I was carrying,(and I was carrying a boatfull.) then sat my wife down, and in a kind, loving way, told her how I felt, where my boundaries are, and asked her if she was willing to change the way things are now, or should I just pack my bags?

It takes two for a partnership. One cannot "love" another enough to change that person. A dysfunctional marriage is the result of a lacking in both partners. Life is very, very short. If she does not recognize her part in things, after you acknowledge yours, Move on. The short term pain is nothing compared to the pain of a life not lived fully.

Again, my 2 cents worth, with 55 years of hindsight.
Whatever road you go down, do it with honesty and integrity, listening to your heart. It's your mirror you look into.

I wish you all blessings.


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