# I dont want to love him



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I've been divorced from my husband since August. This has been the hardest, most heart crushing thing I have ever been through, but the thing thats killing me is that I am still in love with him.  He has done some terrible things to me, but I just cannot seem to shake my feelings for him. I hate this. 

Quick (kinda) synopsis:
We married in September 2011, my daughter and I moved to his house that November. He proceeded to have an EA with his first wife (they were married for 19 years, been together since jr high), divorced me in Aug 2012. She is a drug user, drunk, cheater. She had sex with her ex bf within a month of her and my ex "reconciling", then a month after that, he found out that she had been having sex with said ex bf's cousin. She tried to kill herself, he took her back into the house after she left treatment less than a week later. Then in November, she freaked out and assaulted him, and herself, and he took her to her mom's. Brought her home in less than a week. She got fired from her job for calling in control substance rx's for herself. Married her mid December (says to get her on his insurance so she could get help). Ten days after they married, she went on another bender, sought out the ex bf again, and tried suicide again. I am very, very pissed that this piece of sh!t woman who took my husband abuses him and hurts him and their kids over and over. 

The reason I know all this? I am the one he turns to every time she hurts him. Earlier this month, she evidently went to a friend's to do drugs again, possible hook up with someone. He took her to a cousin's house to stay for a while when he found out, I guess because he needed a break. He called me and invited me to go to Mardi Gras with him, so of course, I, like an idiot, went. I was hoping that in spending time with him that I would figure out that my feelings really HAD changed, and that I really didnt love him any more. I was wrong, we fell right back in together, it was totally natural. He had told me how much it meant to him that I had loved him, how comfortable he is with me, how I bring him calm, and what an awful person she was and that he wanted to finally have some peace in his life. He has apologized for treating me badly, and that he cant understand why I still love him. He left a toothbrush at my house, and mentioned maybe spending a couple of days soon. He texted me every morning for most of the week, and now has gone back to mostly ignoring me. 

I am so frustrated with myself. Why do I still love this man?? I know that the best thing for myself is to start ignoring his texts or calls, start working my way out of his life. WHY cant I do this? I know he isnt happy with his life, he doesnt want to be with her, but is refusing to cut that cord. The woman he knew for all those years is gone, has been for years, thats why they divorced...but he keeps clinging to that history. I know that my feelings are ridiculous. I keep thinking that I need to get out and date, but how can I give anyone a chance when my feelings are still with him? I dont want this, I dont want to love him any more, I just want it to go away.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

He just doesn't love you as much you love him... it seems his heart is with his ex wife. And you are there to pick him up only. He treats you with no respect, you deserve way better than to be second choice. Settle only for being no. 1, being less will only keep hurting you.


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## Reawakened (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this.Catfan is correct , you are his backup plan . You deserve better . Perhaps some individual counseling with a clergy member or clinical professional can guide you away from this dilemma and help you to love yourself once again. See the threads on doing "the 180".


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The irony in this is he can't cut the cord with his ex and you can't cut the cord with HIM.

The solution is to love him. Embrace the fact that you have feelings for him. I know this sounds counterproductive but hear me out. The more you try to reject these feelings the more they will cling to you. It's OKAY to love him. 

Once you honor the part of you that has feelings for him then you can also begin to honor that part of you that knows he doesn't feel the same way about you. And as painful as that is you will then love him from afar. You will cut him loose because you love him. You love him enough to let him go so he can be happy....and so you can too.

Doing the right thing is often the hardest thing. And you will do it when you're ready to make that change and not a minute sooner. Be patient with yourself. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll stop. You're just not there yet that's all.


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## imhopeless (Dec 18, 2012)

As someone who has been there and done that with an ex Husband who dumped me for his prior SO, and then I got back into a sexual relationship with him, let me just say that I truly truly understand how you feel and how HARD it is to let go. It is such a heartbreaking thing to go through and the pain is immense. 

But I disagree totally with what Mavash said. If you didn't want to stop you wouldn't have come here. But I have to tell you that you are disrespecting yourself and your daughter and inflicting wounds on yourself that will be hard to heal. You really need to cut ties with him now and go no contact. You will find someone who will love and appreciate you and will respect you.

A big hug to you because I definitely know what you're going through.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He likes having you and having her as backups for each other. 

He is toxic and not what you need in your life.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If I was you I wouldn't date until you do some IC, reading, and self reflection on why your "man picker" is broken.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You cannot choose who to love...you can't tell your heart "stop loving ", it won't listen. I feel for you...nothing more painful than to be in love with someone who loves somebody else. 
Yes, it would be best to cut him off, but you love him and it's very hard. Then be his friend. Listen to him, caress him, love him, but don't expect anything. There is a slim chance he wakes up and comes back to you. I hope so, because for the love you bear him alone, you deserve to be loved back. But don't shut yourself in the house, at his beck and call, hoping for this to happen. It may never will...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> The irony in this is he can't cut the cord with his ex and you can't cut the cord with HIM.
> 
> The solution is to love him. Embrace the fact that you have feelings for him. I know this sounds counterproductive but hear me out. The more you try to reject these feelings the more they will cling to you. It's OKAY to love him.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this Mavash. IF he WAS happy in his situation, I think that I could do this, let him go so he can be happy. But he's not happy.  And since I still love him, its just killing me inside that he keeps choosing to stay in this toxic situation with her. Its really hard to watch her hurt him over and over. He is mentally and emotionally spent, but wont untangle himself from her, its like he thinks that he has no choice. He seems to have times of clarity, that he realizes that I was good for him..I was good TO him and loved him, and he knows that isnt what he has now. Whenever I do stop contacting him, its just a matter of time before she pulls her crap again and he reaches out to me. He hasnt told any of his family or friends about what has been going on, so I am the only one who knows and that he has to turn to. I have given thought to exposing to some of his family but dont wish to overstep. 

@Imhopeless, thank you for letting me know that someone out there can relate to what Im dealing with, that means a lot. And @Hortensia, thank you for those sweet words, I appreciate it. I am really tired of being depressed, and emotional all the time. I do have some good days here and there, but other days it really hits me hard. I do plan to look into therapy for myself. Is it possible to force yourself to fall out of love with someone? :scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Have you read up on codependency? Here's some more psychobabble for you. Deep down it's the drama that keeps you hooked. You feel needed and that is like a drug to you. You're the ONLY one he confides too and that's some heady stuff. Problem is you're in so deep that you can't see that 1) he's using you and 2) you're enabling him.

As long as he has you to run to he'll NEVER cut the ties with his ex. Why should he? There are no consequences to his choices because you are always there to pick up the pieces.

BTW you can't force yourself to fall out of love with someone.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have read up a little on codependency, whats funny is that I was looking into it about HIM, and realized that while yes HE is codependent, so am I!  I really had not thought of myself as an enabler, but I guess you're right, I am. 

Part of what is so hard for me is that I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that someone would purposely STAY in the situation that he is in. He has admitted that he cant fix her. But when I suggest that he give her a deadline to get a job and get out of his house, he tells me "I cant be that heartless". Its just...beyond me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have read up a little on codependency, whats funny is that I was looking into it about HIM, and realized that while yes HE is codependent, so am I!  I really had not thought of myself as an enabler, but I guess you're right, I am.
> 
> Part of what is so hard for me is that I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that someone would purposely STAY in the situation that he is in. He has admitted that he cant fix her. But when I suggest that he give her a deadline to get a job and get out of his house, he tells me "I cant be that heartless". Its just...beyond me.


And I can't wrap my brain around why YOU would stay with a man who doesn't love you. 

Oh and I'm a recovering codependent and let me tell you this was the hardest thing to face and fix about myself. I sympathize with both you and your ex.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Letting go is hard. 

I like the advice about not expecting to get what you give. You have to remove ANY expectations of him or you'll lose your sanity. I totally know how you feel. For me, I had to cut all contact to get my heart to match what my head was telling me. It took a while, but it did work.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't make it so easy for him to get in touch with you. And find something else to occupy your mind. 

When I find my mind venturing into places I would prefer it didn't, I think "STOP!!!" and as I say that to myself I see a huge red stop sign. That's my clue to redirect my thoughts.

You are obsessing about him. It doesn't matter if he's weak. That's not your problem. He made his choice. 

You can't help him. Stop wanting to.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have read up a little on codependency, whats funny is that I was looking into it about HIM, and realized that while yes HE is codependent, so am I!  I really had not thought of myself as an enabler, but I guess you're right, I am.
> 
> Part of what is so hard for me is that I cannot wrap my mind around the idea that someone would purposely STAY in the situation that he is in. He has admitted that he cant fix her. But when I suggest that he give her a deadline to get a job and get out of his house, he tells me "I cant be that heartless". Its just...beyond me.


He may not be happy, but he does have reasons to stay. It makes him feel important to clean up her dramas, just as you feel important when he turns to you for his drama. He can't keep his own life "fixed" but keeps trying to fix hers (against her will, I might add!)

But s*it rolls downhill, and she's the one at the top of that hill. Who do you suppose it at the bottom? 

He will only get out of it when he's more uncomfortable staying with her than he is with leaving her. If you go to "NO CONTACT" with him, it'll make your life easier in the long run. This means you have to tell him not to call, text, or have any other kind of contact with you while he's still with her. It also means you have to be very aware when he doesn't respect your boundary that he's showing you he is not ready to be with you. And YOU must be willing to hold out for a man who's there for you, which means hitting "ignore" when he calls.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> He may not be happy, but he does have reasons to stay. It makes him feel important to clean up her dramas, just as you feel important when he turns to you for his drama. He can't keep his own life "fixed" but keeps trying to fix hers (against her will, I might add!)


So you picked up on this too, that being "fixed" is really not what she wants. Her heart is not with him and the kids, she is using him to take care of her. I think her heart (if she has one!) is with her ex bf, personally. 

I am finding a little peace that I know that he is aware of how she is, based on things that he has told me. He just needs to get to the point where he knows that HE is done with it. I hope that happens, whether he ends up with me or not. 

I know I need to go no contact, I am trying to work myself up to this. I really appreciate everyone's support, you guys are great!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you picked up on this too, that being "fixed" is really not what she wants. Her heart is not with him and the kids, she is using him to take care of her. I think her heart (if she has one!) is with her ex bf, personally.


Change the pronouns in this and see how it fits: 

"Being fixed is really not what he wants. His heart is not with 3X, he's using her to take care of him. I think his heart (if he has one) is with his ex."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You're going to have to treat him like HE is a drug to YOU and go cold turkey so you can go through withdrawals and get over him. It might take some time...but every single contact will set you back to day one of recovery (just like every hit off a crack pipe will set the addict back to day one of recovery).

If you go no contact for long enough, eventually you will find you aren't in love with him anymore.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Hi 3xnocharm.

I'm sorry you had to go through this emotional burden and struggle. But you need to understand that nobody else can help you except yourself. As what you have stated, your ex runs to you every time his ex wife hurts him. It clearly shows that he is making you a second option; some sort of a back up plan.And I think you deserve to be more than just a second option, everybody else does. 

If you want your suffering to end, you need to do something about it. And I think the best way to do it is to cut off any communication you two have and start to move on and live your own life.


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