# Love lost?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

My husband of 8 years and I have recently separated (no kids, we're 48). Although there are many reasons, the main one would be his complete detachment from me. He is a LEO and completely compartmentalizes everyone in his life - his family, his friends and especially me. I've been trying to talk to him for years about what I'm missing: attention, affection, sex, just someone present in our marriage. He figures, with all he sees in his job, that because he's not hitting me, we're not screaming at each other, he's not off running around with other women, he's not out drinking with the boys every night, then he's being a good husband. He comes home, says nothing and sits on the couch. If he does talk, its to rant negatively about politics, the news, etc etc. Its been very draining. 
To go along with all this he has a prescription drug problem that must have started early on in our relationship, progressed to the point of needing rehab and now is in a weird see-saw balance. Again, he figures if he can hold down a job, a marriage (up until now), and a home, he's doing ok. I've been detaching myself from him more than I even knew. 
I recently engaged in an affair. It was brief, it was sexy, it was fun, I will admit. The whole time I was with him I did not think of my husband once. It took me out of a very dark place that I had ventured into in my mind - one of hopelessness. Now I see that there could be more to life - not with this guy - but with someone else, somewhere down the road. 
Although the affair was certainly not the reason for the separation, it did force my hand to move out. I couldn't live with cheating. And I couldn't live with not even feeling guilty about the cheating. I did not tell my husband, although part of me wanted to - to make him really see how far he pushed me. I have never cheated on anyone, in the least, ever in my life. I could never understand infidelity. 
So now here I am, living in a condo while my husband keeps the house (he makes twice as much as I do). In my state, you have to be separated a full year before you can file. 
My H claims he has now hit rock bottom with me leaving and appears to be finally listening to my concerns. I've told him he needs to get some serious help to deal with his anxiety and depression (hence the self-medication). I need to see real action, not just words. He needs to get himself healthy before we can even start to consider marriage counselling. 
I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. I've lost respect, I've been ignored for so long that I don't think I love him anymore. 
Can you get that back?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

IC is helpfull and needed but what have you done toncontribute to this situacion? A M breakdown is usually two people's fault. Im not saying takr all the blame becahse he clearly has not listened to your concerns over the years, something a lot of us men do.

IC for both of you. Can love feelings come back? shure. But you have to want them. Love is a verb. Its action. They wont come back on their own.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, you weren't push into cheating, but you chose it subconsciously or consciously. I believe that you care for him, but at best it is platonic. There is a common mistake that most make when deciding to depart, but they are not aware of it. You should of have enforce your boundaries long ago. It is better to leave with a chance of reconciliation then to the brink of no return. There is such thing as gone too far, and for the most part, you sound like you have reached it. The fact that you feel no to little guilt proves that your bond is almost completely gone. You have reached indifference. You do not see him as your partner, and you were just used to operating in that manner. You were used to living like room mates. A marriage license does not make a marriage. It is the bond that is form that makes a relationship, not a piece of paper.

Without realizing it, you fell into a cycle. Your affair was a catalyst that help the unending cycle that the two of you were stuck in. He did not listen to you, because he did not fear losing you. You both got used to misery, and misery became your norm.

As it stands now, he is not the type of person you can be in love with. Romantic love needs some kind of spark. If you change your mindset, you can love him like a friend and be supportive.

You need to stay away from him and still be detached. He should be seeking help to make himself healthy. If he does it for you, you will end up being his crutch. It is no guarantee that you could have some kind of attraction for him or not. Perception and experience also play a role in romantic love. You might just end up loving him as a friend, and it is your choice if you want to operate in that type of relationship or not. To find out, you will need to undo the anger and resentment that will act like a barrier that will stop you from emotionally bonding to him. At the same time, you need to find fulfillment on your own.

Whether you decide to tell him about the cheating or not, and you should tell him. If he ever finds out, you do not know if he will leave you or not. For the most part, even if he neglected you and treated you poorly, he will not take into account the condition that he placed the marriage in. Well, it is less likely anyways.

So, my best advice, wait until he is more mentally healthy before you tell him, and to stay detached for a few months while he takes the time to process if he wants to reconcile or not. He does need the time even though he may not know it, and you need the time to figure out if you even want to. It will take both to come to that conclusion if things are worth salvaging.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My husband and I recently separated and will likely begin divorce proceedings later this year. For the last few years of our marriage, he was extremely passive/aggressive ( always annoyed, never saying anything) and always in a bad mood. To be fair, I think he is clinically depressed. He is seeing a therapist and I hope that helps him. But the atmosphere in our home was poisonous and I was permanently tense and unhappy. 

I did not have any affairs and I don't think he did either, but he accused me of doing so (he is showing signs of paranoia as well as depression) and eventually asked me to move out (by email). I was so relieved that I was completely moved into a small apartment within four days. And the relief resulted in my feeling so much better, mentally and physically. 

Being in a situation when one partner either refuses or is unable to take part in all aspects of the marriage, including the daily social give and take, it can't be successful. 

I do not have any plans to return to my husband if he asks, but as you say, especially if things remain the same. He too had a pill addiction and while he seemed to have kicked it, he won't or can't take anything for depression despite his doctor's advice, and I don't see how he will get better. 

If deep down you know you won't go back, it would be cruel to let him think you might. Encourage him to get help for himself, not for your sake. Sorry to ramble here...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

You know what, there are a lot of relationships that get to this point.
Whilst I wouldn't say I am the same type of man, nor did we experience the same type of issues you say you have, my wife decided to have an affair as well.
I later found out she was not happy in the marriage.
As far as I was concerned, it was a good marriage, perhaps it didn't have the spark it did when we were newly-wed, but it was still good in my opinion. 
Since then we have divorced and I have done a LOT of counselling. I have learnt a great deal.

I would say that there is often a lot going on under the surface for both of you that you may not even be aware of.

For me, it was a wife that wasn't meeting my needs for a close personal connection and a real ability to resolve issues (small issues). That led me to being somewhat depressed (I thought it was work) and eventually started being frustrated and even subconsciously closed off to her.

At the time, I had no idea, but after time I realised this woman wasn't meeting my emotional needs and if she was unwilling to change that, we didn't have a relationship.

There may also be a lot going on under the surface for you, and also your husband. Only personal counselling will help you identify what it is precisely you are unhappy with. 

Being cheated on and effectively left, triggered me to learn about myself, make real changes and find happiness in myself again.

Make no doubt that most marriages find themselves in a funk now and then.

The point I am making is that the only way change can be triggered in a marriage is if one or both of you actually triggers that. Sometimes that means time apart, sometimes that means separation with the intent to work on yourselves, sometimes (in a healthy marriage) you both have the ability to talk deeply and genuinely about your issues.

In your case, you chose to detach completely, have an affair and leave.

I think that had you chosen to take more decisive action to trigger change, your marriage could have been saved.

Perhaps ask yourself why you didn't do this and knowing that people CAN change given the opportunity, would you afford your husband the time to work on himself.

If emotionally, you are gone already, I suggest you tell him you were unable or unwilling to trigger change and are no longer in love with him and leave him. also tell him you cheated as it will help him detach from you.

If you are willing to work on yourself and give yourself a GENUINE opportunity to fall for him again, then you should start the process.
I would recommend you tell him everything in full, no details left untouched.
Tell him what you want as an outcome and be crystal clear about it.
Tell him why you want that outcome.

If your husband chooses to engage with the process, I suggest you spend at least 6 months apart to work on yourselves and only then assess where you are both at and ONLY if you both still have 100% commitment to trying, start MC.

Good luck.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

You may have already made your decision, considering the affair. 
The situation is certainly unfair to you, and you deserve your happiness. That, I'm sure of.

The question you need to ask yourself is if you want to be with your husband if the situation righted itself. A rift won't magically mend if two people aren't trying, or even one person doesn't give it his/her all.

If you've lost all respect, attraction, and happiness due to him and you don't wish to seek it again with the man, I'd stay strong to the divorce.

However, actions speak louder than words. If he has a huge turnaround and proves that he loves you, it may be enough to get you back on board.

I believe once a person falls in love, that person can fall in love with the same person again.


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