# Help Please! Confused and Lonely...



## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Hello all, first post on this great site....though I'm guilty of lingering around and reading the good posts for quite some time.

Here's my situation, my wife and I have been married for six years we have two wonderful daughters (five and two years old). Wife and I are fairly young, I'm 26 and she's 24.

Well in Oct 08 my wife initiated paperwork to file for divorce/seperation but then later withdrew them and we agreed to work on our marriage and make it work out. I have been trying and I can see a great improvement in myself, though I'm far from perfect.

Well in Dec 08 she started the police academy in hopes of becoming a law enforcement officer and shortly after she started, I was informed that I'd received orders to move to another base (oh, I'm military btw). I told my wife that I would get out of the military in Aug 09 so that she could start her career and I would try something else, but after analyzing the current status of the economy and the job cuts going on now, I decided that in the best interest of my family, I would continue to serve in the military, after all, I've been the primary provider for my family for the last six years. My wife agreed and dropped the academy...

Now we are scheduled to move/relocate in May 09 and I think she has some resentment towards me and regrets for having left the police academy. In addition to that, let me just say that I have not been the "perfect" husband in the past. Early into our marriage, and being 19 yrs old, I did some pretty imature stuff like hide her car keys so she wouldn't visit mom, etc. (yes, I'm very ashamed of this behavior, but again, I was immature and 19 years old, I guess perhaps it was expected).

Well, this pretty much brings us to present day... I try to give her everything she wants/needs (attention, affection, appreciation, respect); we both agree that we love each other and we say it to one another numerous times a day. I try to hug/kiss her every chance I get. Here's the glitch though, if I don't initiate the contact, it seems like she never does. It seems to me like I'm trying so hard to be "in love" w/ her and show it to her, but it doesn't seem like she tries.

Recently she's picked up the hobby of reading, which I think is great since being a stay at home mother, she's got long boring days. But even when I come home from work and want a little attention (like right now) she's sitting on the couch, reading. Seems almost like she's ignoring me. Don't get me wrong, I love that she is doing something she enjoys, but what about me, I guess she just doesn't understand that I am dying for her attention.

In addtion to this, our sex life is suffering too... I have an extremely high sex drive and if I could, I'd make love to her every night. But her on the other hand has a very low sex drive. Last night we had sex and I could tell she was bored and wasn't enjoying herself. I asked her what was wrong and she said that sex to her just isn't a big deal like it is to me. I asked her what it feels like to her when she orgasms and she said it feels like when she pee's. To me an orgasm is the greatest feeling I've ever had. So I don't understand...

Many times I feel so lonely/rejected, often times I've thought if there's something wrong w/ me. Is she no longer attracted to me? I've come home, showered, shaved, gotten dressed up....you know, trying to get her attention, trying to make her fall for me, but generally no luck.

I'm not that ugly of a guy, and I'd like to think that I have great qualities. I don't understand what I need to do to make her "desire" me in/out of the bedroom.

She is trying to have a better sex life w/ me because she knows it's important to me, but it's just that, she has to "try." To her it's like a chore, "okay, next on the checklist for today, have sex w/ husband." And sometimes when we do it, I get this sense from her, like "are you done yet," or "could you hurry up, I want to get to sleep." It's so depressing...

Now, I once pondered the thought of her cheating on me w/ someone else and is this why she doesn't desire me, because she's getting fulfillment elsewhere, but I honestly know that isn't the case. She's kind-hearted and I know she's faithful to our marriage. She's really a good woman/mother, I just need more attention from her as a spouse and somehow we aren't connecting in the way...

I have to throw this in there because I know someone out there is going to wonder, in terms of looks, I'm 6', about 191 lbs, dark skin, blondish hair and if it matters my "thing" is about 6.5" which according to my research is at least average.

I don't understand why she doesn't get sexual fullfullment from our encounters (don't get me wrong, she has before and there's been times when she let's her hair down and gets to it) but more times than not it's the "chore-type" feeling.

I don't know if this may have anything to do w/ it, but for all purposes I'll throw it in there, she's 5' 3" and 82 lbs (petite). She says that I'm "big" but I always thought big was a good thing. She's never complained about sex being painful or anything, but if I go deep she does say that hurts.

Sorry about the long post, but I do appreciate any and all opinions on my current situation and anything that may help us work our marriage out so both of us are happy and both our needs are being met. I would like for her to enjoy sex and enjoy me as her partner. You know, be intimate and connect on that level together... I know we have before, but don't know why we can't now. Thanks!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

When did the sex life change? 

Did you two discuss together about staying in the Army? 

Has she been displaying any other changes?


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Well you know, sex life changes w/ kids and I understand that....but it feel like she hasn't been "into" me for maybe the last year or so.

As for staying in the military, one evening she can home from the police academy and she'd spun her car out of control (weather was bad) and she came home and told me she was scared and knows that she should be home w/ the children, safe. She encouraged me to continue to serve and said she would drop the academy and we'd move. So pretty much she made the choice, I just didn't disagree. I know she sometimes regrets that decision and I think there may be some resentment towards me.

Not really any other changes, other than she doesn't want to "cuddle" at night, she'd rather be left alone, sex to her isn't what it is to me and she seems to be more involved w/ herself versus our marriage.

Here's another part to add to the story, in Nov 07 we had a home built and we moved in. In Jun 08 her mother moved in four houses down the street from us. She is very close w/ her family and I think she is getting all the emotional support she needs from them, hence why she pretty much ignores me.

I worked up the courage last night to confront her and ask if I was disgusting to her or why she doesn't respond to me like I do to her. She told me she has trust issues, because like I mentioned, when we were newly weds (1st year of marriage) I would hide her keys so she wouldn't go off-base to visit her mother/family. Let me clarify the reason I would do this, first off was obviously immarturity, but secondly, it seemed like when she lived w/ her mother she was trying to escape and spend every waking moment w/ me. Then we got married and to me it seemed like she was trying to escape me and spend every waking moment w/ her family. Though it was wrong, I felt like I had to control her a bit and make her understand that we were now married.

She says she had deep resentment for me and that what I done is unforgivable. I have lost her trust and that is why she blocks me out...

I asked, aren't we trying to work on our marriage though? Her response was, "this is how it's been for the last six years, so deal w/ it."

I don't know what to say, think, or do... I just know that I love her unconditionally and I've heard of people who've cheated, etc and can bounce back from that. What I done (though it was wrong) was minor... But she's just stubborn and won't forgive/forget that easy.

Thanks for the help!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

USAF1982-

Resentment is the key here.
How controlling are you *these *days?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I'm confused though. Things didn't change except for the last year or so... but the source of her resentment happened several years before. Am I getting this right?


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

For the most part, yes the "incidents" happened early in our marriage (1st year) and haven't happend since.

Like I said in Oct 08 she was getting paperwork together for seperation and we decided to work on things and give it another shot. In an attempt to be humble and honest w/ her, I finally admitted having hid her keys early in our marriage.

Up until this point, I'd always denied it....but now came the truth and I thought I was being honest, mature, and growing together, but seems she hurt by the fact rather.

As for the actual changes, I'm speaking sexually in the last year or so... Before she used to respond more positive to me, would initiate sex, etc.

Mark, you are correct, resentment is the problem and yes I done wrong, have put my honor behind me and have openly admitted it. As for how controlling I am, well, I don't hide things from her, she buys what she wants, though I do like to be involved w/ expenses.

I'll notice something posts to the bank account and I'll ask, "what did you buy." IMO we should discuss purchases, etc. I am fair about it, I discuss purchases w/ her before going through w/ them.

Though I'm not perfect and do have my flaws, I do find myself asking her "what did you do today," "did you go anywhere," etc. Honestly I am curious about her days, etc. A part of me wants to know what she does, where she goes, who she talks to, etc. Is this wrong?

Is it so that even though I do not intend it to be a means of controlling, it is being construed in her eyes as a form of control because of my previous actions? What can I do to stop this? I love her so much and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt her. Thanks again!

Oh, to address the any other changes question... I hadn't thought much of it, but lately she has picked up a few friend from my oldest daughters school (parents). She makes alot of phone calls to them, emails, etc. Hadn't given that much thought...


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

It's not what you are saying, but more how you are saying it.

There is a fine line between showing interest and interrogating someone. 

The first thing is, don't be so specific in your questions, especially the initial ones. Asking "what did you buy today" can have a very accusing tone to it. The "How was your day" or "Anything interesting happen today" are much better to open with. And give responses that show interest.

Second is the tone of voice. Some people have problems realizing what their tone implies, so it can be difficult. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with being involved in the finances. It's a great thing. BUT, as long as she is not doing anything wrong, or spending too much, I would lay off on just how much you are drilling her about. She obviously has goals outside of being a stay at home wife/mother which is demonstrated by her attempts in the police academy. So she probably has a very strong sense of personal pride and is probably at least somewhat, and independent personality. Coming home and having to explain every single purchase she makes to her husband because she doesn't have her own money probably wears on her. 

And I know what you are going to say. "That's not what I'm trying to do, I just want to keep up on the finances" but perception can be stronger than reality. She perceives that as controlling, even if you aren't trying to be.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Thanks! Understood on the controlling portion....I probably do need to lay off and stop breathing down her back on the spending portion and also great tips on how to phrase my questions/express myself.

I honestly never gave it much thought, but usuallythat is what I ask "what'd you do today," and she probably does automatically take the defense to it. But going back to the trust issue, how can I rebuild the trust?

Obviously start talking to her differently and maybe giving her a bit more independence w/o asking so many questions. But how do I work to move past the things I've done, she's very stubborn and won't let things go.

She does have a strong sense of pride and leaving the academy was devastating for her. She still has hopes of someday being a cop, but found out that at our next duty location, the academy there is in-residence (meaning a live-in academy) and she's not willing to leave our children, so she's putting that on the backburner for now.

I actually think I may have some trust issues too, don't know why, but there's always that thought in the back of my head, especially when things are wrong between us, I think "what if she meets somebody, someone who she really likes and makes her feel special." I don't know why I have these thoughts, I guess I can be a bit jelous. She's never given me a reason to be, never cheated on me, flirted w/ other guys, etc., I don't know why I feel this. 

What can I do to gain her trust again and what can I do to trust her more? I know I'm asking alot of questions, but I'm honestly confused and scared for my marriage. I love my wonderful wife!

Thanks again, the people on this site are awesome!!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

USAF1982 said:


> I actually think I may have some trust issues too, don't know why, but there's always that thought in the back of my head, especially when things are wrong between us, I think "what if she meets somebody, someone who she really likes and makes her feel special." I don't know why I have these thoughts, I guess I can be a bit jelous. She's never given me a reason to be, never cheated on me, flirted w/ other guys, etc., I don't know why I feel this.


Since she's never given you a reason to question her faithfulness, this is likely due to your own insecurities. If you are the one making her feel special, you likely wouldn't question the 'what ifs'. 

I really agree with the above advice, that your wife seems very independant and questioning her every move of the day may cause her resentment to build, especially now that you've admitted to the controlling behavior in the past...she probably reads it as more of the same, although not as extreme.

I think the best thing you can do is listen to the advice about changing how you interact with her...if you let the fear of losing her dictate your actions, you will have a difficult time backing off and giving her space, independence. 

The best approach, if you can do it, would be to look at her for the person she is, the person you love...if you can look at her and think about something that just makes you feel over the top that she said/did/etc. and it makes you look into her eyes and smile, that is what will make her feel special....that you really love her for who she is.

Do you think you could handle giving her a massage without any expectation for sex afterward? That might be a way to get her more intimately connected to you where she begins to feel closer and may trigger the 'want' for sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

USAF1982-

I wonder if you are in fact quite controlling. Asking "where did you go today" is not quite the same as "how was your day". I go into great length about resentment here If this is you, all you need to do is ease up a bit and everything will come right.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

and I also wanted to point out that I believe this is the first thread where I brought up sex before MarkTwain did


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Okay, here's a new one for you and please someone correct me if I am wrong and over-reacting...

As I mentioned before, I am the breadwinner in my family and take great pride in that, I do allow my wife to spend money, etc., however, I do monitor our bank account alot and as mentioned before, I often do question her expenses.

I have this rule amongst us, and it applies to us both equally. Any big purchases are to be discussed by both of us before anything takes place and this is very clearly understood to her.

Well, today at 3:00 my subordinate at work told me that my wife had called and that she'd sold our old couches. Here's the story on that one, couches have been on craigslist for sale, I know they were and am okay w/ her selling them. She'd told me she wanted to buy new couches and she wanted some from Big Lots (I knew exactly which ones she wanted and was okay w/ that).

Well, my co-worker informs me that my wife said that she was going to go buy couches before I get off work so that she can get the ones she wanted (keep in mind that I'm a guy and I could care less what couches she wants, inside the home is her area, the garage is mine).

Well, given this privledged information I knew and had a hunch what she was up to. Luckily (I think) for me, I knew what she was up to. So I quickly jumped in my truck and left work, hauled @ss across town and went to the Big Lots where I suspected she would be.

I pull up and sure enough, what do I see? My brother-in-laws truck in the parkig lot. I angrily get off my truck walk-in and see my two brother-in-laws inside. They comment that I know my wife too well...

I proceed to walk around the store to find her and I find her paying for the new couches, I kinda scolded her (not intentionally, but out of anger). I asked her "what the hell she was doing?" On the way home, I reiterized to her the rule on expensive purchases and how it applies to me and we should both abide by it. She proceeds to tell me that she was trying to surprise me before I got home and it was sort of a early Valentines gift (B.S.) She sold the old sectional couch for $120.00 and bought new ones for $650.00)

Anyways, what upsets me is that she 1) didn't discuss it w/ me and 2) she uses her brother's and relies on them instead of me. We have trucks and I'm more than capable of moving darn couches but she insists on doing things "herself" w/ their help. She paid her brother $20.00 for the help, WTF!

Well, we get home and I'm still upset but lighten up a bit. Her and her brother decide to order pizza (mind you it's only 12-15 dollars) but she proceeds w/ this too and doesn't discuss anything w/ me other than what kind of toppings I wanted. I'd rather she cook us dinner, than cop-out like that being lazy and ordering pizza. (Another small detail here, she tells her brother that if he buys the supplies she'll make him tacos, which I happen to know are near his favorite. Again, WTF, she never offers to make my favorite meal?)

It sounds weird but I am jelous of her brothers, she treats them better or at least equal to me. I think I should be a higher priority than them....am I wrong??? Out of anger (and it's almost the only way to tolerate her brothers) I popped open a beer and said F-it, started drinking but then decided that this wasn't going to help any and I'd suffer tomorrow, so I drained half the beer and had a coke and some pizza. Drinking is not the solution...

Another small detail, for christmas she bought me at $200.00 corvette jacket (which I love). Now in January, she insists she wants to buy her brother a $180.00 motorcycle jacket for his birthday, I immediately told her no, but then felt guilty about the decision and told her if she wanted to do it, go ahead....so she did.

This brother of hers is the same one that promises to pay her money back (about $200) for back taxes they are paying on their deceased fathers land. He hasn't/isn't and she's okay w/ that....she uses college loan money for the jacket and taxes. Her family is walking all over her and all she does is give and give! Why does it seem to me that she isn't as committed to me?

To add a bit more to this story, in Sept 08 she bought her car (our money of course) without me. Again, she took her other brother to car-shop w/ her. WTF!!! She says she did that out of anger and to show me... Well, yeah, she showed me alright....how selfish she can be, how much she cares about what I think and how "obsessed" she is w/ her family. Car costed $3,500.00, a few months later she is hit at a parking lot, who does she ask to install her new bumpers/hood? Yup, you guessed right, her brothers. Again, WTF, I'm capable of doing this kind of work too and actually enjoy working on cars (even if it'd have been jointly w/ her brothers), but no, she once again relies on them.

Now, she uses sex as a means to control me.... I can guarentee that tonight she's going to want to have wild/passionate sex w/ me to make it up to me and get on my good side. What frustrates me is that I'm so eager to make love to her, that it works every time. I am so frustrated, I am going to try to decline sex this time and tell her that it's just not that important to me (I know she'll see this right through me though, since I'm so into sex w/ her). But anyways, she always uses sex to get on my good side and when she's on my good side, guess what, no sex (at least minimal).

Someone please tell me, "am I crazy?" Am I too controlling? Am I over-reacting? What should/do I do? Someone please help....I know I'll feel retarded later that I declined sex w/ her, but I HAVE to do this. I need to show her that she can't control me through sex. Sex isn't a means to control someone, it's a means of communicating ones love and she just don't get this...

Sorry for the extremely long post everyone... Thanks!

Oh, BTW, everyone has left now and it's just me and her....guess what she's doing? Yup, reading her book and ignoring me. The kids walked down the street w/ their uncles/grandma....I suspect she'll offer sex in a while and as much as it hurts and I'm going to regret it, I'm going to deline. I have to do this at least once, she needs to know what rejection feels like and all the hurt it puts me through...


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

About the first issue, the couches... yes, I think you are overreacting. You had both already discussed the couches and you'd already given your "permission" for her to get them. Why does it matter WHEN she buys them and if she expressly asks your permission to get them on any particular day? You'd already said yes to her previously. So what if she asked her brother for help. You were busy at work and why does it matter who helps her?

If I were in her shoes, I would probably not like feeling like I was on a short leash when it comes to dealing with my life day-to-day. It sort of feels to me like more of a parent/child relationship rather than a partnership, which is what I believe a healthy marriage is.

No wonder she's using sex to control things; it's the only thing she *can* control since you hold the reins to everything else. If you withhold sex from her when you're angry with her for being independent, you are only making things worse. 

I'm not even sure what else to say, because I don't want to be mean. My husband and I trust each other to make independent decisions within a framework we both agreed to. If he started telling me what I can and can't do, and withholding sex and affection ON PURPOSE, I'd walk. Seriously, who would want to live with someone who wants to control their every move?

Sorry, I think you need to back off and give her some space to make her own decisions. Give her some power. You might just find she warms up to you and doesn't sit there reading and ignoring you.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Thanks for the input! To clarify, she'd mentioned those were the couches she wanted and though I honestly ain't too particular about which ones we got and am okay w/ her choice. What bothers me is that she didn't talk to me about it when she was going to do it. What it I'd have written a check that hadn't cleared and we didn't have enough money in the account? This isn't the case, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have been.

A $650.00 expense, I think we should discuss before pulling the trigger, I don't care who's buying. I understand that her being a stay at home mom and such, she's got little control because she mainly deals w/ diapers, crying, etc all day long. I honestly don't want to control her.

I am working on this, she and I actually had a discussion a few days ago and she said when I call often from work, she feels like if I'm checking up on her (another form of controlling), this isn't my intent, so we agreed that I wouldn't initiate phone calls from work throughout the day, rather she would call me.

I am not in denial here, yes, I am somewhat of a controlling person and I want to change it. Money isn't everything to me, but it is important. I would like to be involved in any expense over $100 and she knows this...

Another thing that bothers me is how she rushed to do it before I got off work. Not like I was going to hold her back from buying the couches she wanted.

I don't know what to think, but luckily I am pretty good at forgiving and forgetting. Small things like this I can forget and move past.

But I want us both to be happy and honestly I wasn't very happy this afternoon. I guess withholding sex isn't the brightest idea then, huh? I just thought I would try something different and see what her reaction would be.

I love her very much and don't want to hurt her and the thought of her leaving is very freightening to me. I never want to lose her, she's my "everything!"

Thanks again for the advice and if anyone else has a different perspective perhaps, feel free to chime in.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I just want to reach into the monitor and give you a great big hug. You break my heart. I had to keep rereading over your posting to make sure that you were not my husband! You can click on my name I think to read my postings if you want to know my story. I am basically like your wife. I am 26 yrs old, SAHM to 3 girls ages 7, 4, and 2, married to a hardworking Christian man of 5 years whom I have built up resentment and hard feelings toward for the past almost 2 years. I have joked recently with mutual friends that I would not care if sex became illegal tommorow. I would rejoice. I am working through my problems and issues, and honestly unless your wife decides to do the same for herself, there is nothing that you can do besides continue to reach out for love and support from folks like us!
You sound like a WONDERFUL, sensitive, great man and your wife does not know what she has got. Much like me at times. I do not know if you guys are Christians or not, but either way...you (she mostly lol...need some Jesus)! I assure you, Jesus is the answer. He is the father of love and he offers healing and help for those who are lost and hurting. Anyway, if you don't have that and you think it is something you would like, I can talk to you about that too...but for now, let me tell you what I am doing for myself to try and better our situation. I don't know if any of it is things that you could incorporate into your relationship, but feel free if it is. If not, just know that I will be praying for you, your wife and your mutual happiness when I go to bed tonight. 
The reason that I have came to a point where I am making some changes in my life is that my husband threatened to leave me. It scared the crap out of me. I did some real soul searching and decided that I did not want to continue making a wonderful man's life hell while I was miserable too. I love him, I just have some issues with myself and his behavior. It sounds to me like you are doing really good, but girls have issues with some funny things. I am sure there is something that is bothering her. Encourage her to open up and talk to you. watch the movie fireproof, check out the website. You know, I would LOVE to talk to her. I don't know if that would at all be possible. Give her my email addy or phone number. I really would love to talk with her. I think that she and I deal with some similar issues. Anyway, good luck sweety...I will pray for you and your wife.


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## Shameless (Jan 31, 2009)

OK! Let's see where to start, first of all it seems your wife is very head strong and a very independent woman. She may feel that you are trying to monitor her every move. 

The couches, yes you over reacted, but only IF they were truely an early gift for you. I say this because I know me, I would not have told you anything, nor would I have asked my brother to come help me. I would have went and got them myself or had them delievered. 

My husband is the only one working right now, so I feel like I have no money, and he is in law enforcement, and ex-USAF. I handle the finances, he makes the money. I only spend it when I have to, groceries, paying bills and such. This is not the way I would like it, I would rather earn money as well, and until we moved to where he was going to be more comfortable being an officer I did earn most of the money that came in the house. I hate the fact that all the burden of making a living is on him, and even if I could make $200 a week it would help. 

As for the trust, it will take time for you to get her trust back, but only if she is willing to give it. You both need to AGREE to sit down and discuss the issues you are having in a non argumenative setting. See if you can reach some common ground, and see what you can do vs. what she can do to make things better for both of you. This means not "confronting" her with anything, but talking to her, remember your tones, both of you, will set the mood for the discussion. If it is getting too heated, agree to both calm down and start again at a later time/date.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

USAF1982-

Being controlling is the fastest way to put a woman off sex. It's a long read, but their is a section for you here: Sexless Marraige?. There is a simple trick you can do to get her to open the sex tap, and... and, make your life easier. Unless you think she is a total liability where money is concerned, apologise to her for being so controlling over money, and tell her you've been a fool. Tell her you want her to take over more of the day-to-day finances, and that you think she will probably make a better job of it. Tell her the only thing you ask is for her to consult you before signing anything. If you can release your control of her, you would be surprised at the result. Putting her on the spot may also bring out the astute money manager in her. She will feel sexier - guaranteed.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> USAF1982-
> 
> Being controlling is the fastest way to put a woman off sex. It's a long read, but their is a section for you here: Sexless Marraige?. There is a simple trick you can do to get her to open the sex tap, and... and, make your life easier. Unless you think she is a total liability where money is concerned, apologise to her for being so controlling over money, and tell her you've been a fool. Tell her you want her to take over more of the day-to-day finances, and that you think she will probably make a better job of it. Tell her the only thing you ask is for her to consult you before signing anything. If you can release your control of her, you would be surprised at the result. Putting her on the spot may also bring out the astute money manager in her. She will feel sexier - guaranteed.


The kicker here is that she DOES manage all of the money... She pays all the bills, buys the groceries, clothing for our girls, etc.

The only time I touch money is when I pump gas on my cars, pay auto insurance, or get approved to buy something for one of my vehicles.

Other than that, it's all her. I don't understand, our (moreso my) goal for the 1st year of living in our new house was to pay the second morgage off ($15,000.00). I make at least $35k/yr so that should've been doable, but guess what, we didn't and we pretty much still owe as much as we did when we financed.

Don't ask me where the money went? But it's gone, we have maybe $8k in the bank and that don't even come close to paying the second mortgage. She has $22k in debt from college bills, she's still going to college so she don't have to pay those back, but who's that going to fall on when she stops going? And here she is further acquiring unnecessary debt in buying her brother a $200 jacket....ice cream at sonic, etc.

Thanks for the help guys!

Oh, btw, our intimacy last night was INCREDIBLE! She was everything I could've asked for and more. She was passionate, we really connected and I felt as if we were "one" together, something I hadn't felt in a VERY long time. It was AWESOME, but I just hope she wasn't doing it and being responsive/submissive like that to get on my "good" side... As I said yesterday afternoon though, if she was, it worked!


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I may just be a brainwashed wife, but I am sorry...I think everyone is being way to hard on you. You did not over-react with the couch situation, you are not over-reacting about the sex, the brothers, the money...any of it. 
I feel you are totally justified in you feelings! Your wife is a SAHM and a WOMAN...she has no right controlling much, ESPECIALLY the money. And she darn sure has no right buying $650 couches without you or spending the same amount on a brothers birthday as her husbands! She should not have freedom in the money to be able to do any of these things. I am sorry. It is just not right. In the bible it says that man leaves his mother and cleaves to his wife...that means the woman as well. She is to put you first and formost for problems, support...the good and the bad. It was your job to fix her car, get the couches...all of that is YOUR place. I think you want it to be too! You want to play your God given role I can tell...your wife is just bucking the system. Get her the book Facinating Womanhood. She may get offended, so mail it to her annonomously or something. Shoot...give me a PO Box and I will mail it to her. It is $15 or something. Go to the FW website. It is really for women that have issues with their husband, but it will teach her her place and you won't have to be the bad guy. SHe is NOT in her proper role as a wife. Would you like a submissive supportive sweet giggly wife that greeted you at the door when you got home with a great hot meal?? This movement (It is not just a book...it is a movement) takes women back to what they were best as. What God designed them from. When did divorce become so common? When did women start getting beat? When women decided they wanted more...it is not right and is not Gods WIll. Check it out. I pray she will live it. You are wonderful dear...any woman would be so lucky to have you. You are doing right.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

But *jaclynnbaker*, you tell us above, that your husband treating you this way has made you not want sex, and now you are suggesting others take up this way of life.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Thing are tough all over....last night I go to bed and lye down next to her, try to hug her, cuddle w/ her, love her and what does she tell me? She tells me to go to my side and leave her alone, she don't feel like cuddling....this woman is "killing" me (literally).

She never likes to cuddle, kiss, nothing not even during the day. I felt rejected and like a dumb @ss, figured to myself I will just keep my cuddling and kisses to myself today and so I did. Don't ask my why, but I find a need to cuddle (hug & kiss) her, maybe it's because I actually love her, imagine that... She's pretty much okay w/ not affection from me. Now that I've been trying to restore our marriage, first thing I learned was affection, appreciation, and attention. I thought this was what she would want, but I guess not.

Now we start talking a little this evening and she tells me I annoy her when I'm off and she likes me better at work. WTF! When I'm at work I miss her, when I'm at home I want to spend every minute w/ her... I know she cares for me, but I'm starting to think she doesn't love me anymore. She says me being w/ her all the time on weekends irritates her and pretty much she hates spending time w/ me.

She proceeds to tell me she's afraid to move to Nebraska w/ me because what if we don't work out and she says that's why she doesn't want to sell the house we're in currently. So she has somewhere to fall back on, should we not work out. I think she's sabatoging us and setting us up for failure before we even move. I know it's not going to be the same for her. Her mother/brother's live 4-houses down from us and she spends 4/5 hrs a day w/ them, in Nebraska she's going to see them once a year maybe. I thought it would be good for us to "grow" together as a family and get away from our parents, etc., but I guess I was wrong, she's sabatoging it already.

I told her that we vowed under God and I am committed 100% to this marriage and have no intent of leaving her. But I told her that a marriage is two-fold, it takes part/commitment of both involved and she said she was committed for six years and this is where it's gotten her. What I gather from that is she did her part for six years and she's done!

I can't continue to obsess over her and love her w/ all my heart if I can't get the same in return. As bad as it sounds (and as hard as it's going to be), I've determined that I'm going to stop being the such loving/caring husband that I've put so much effort into being. I'm not going to call from work anymore, I'm not going to give her hugs/kisses, attention, nothing...

I know this probably isn't the right answer, but I just can't anymore....I really can't! I gave it my all and apparently it wasn't enough. We exchanged some words about divorce and I asked her how does she know it's a guarentee that she'd get this house we're in know if she wanted to come back later, since it belongs to the both of us. Then she stated that she'd be a single mother and that the mother always gets preference. Then I asked how she knows she'd even get the kids....anyhow, you see where this is going. It got pretty heated and I'm really torn apart right now....sad to see that she isn't commited to loving me. She's sabatoging our move and the future of our family for her and it's hurtful to me to always be rejected from sex/hugs/kisses/quality time.

I keep telling myself, maybe it's for the better, I don't deserve to be treated like this anyhow....but the thought of losing/destroying my family really kills me. We have 2 innocent children and I know what kind of toll this can take on them.

So I don't know what to say, we're not throwing the towel in yet....but things aren't looking so positive for us. She did admit to me today that she cannot forgive/forget and she holds alot of that resentment towards me....I asked her is she then wants me to go back to being the @ss hole I was? Maybe that would make her happy.

Also noted today and tried to take a self-assessment of myself and why I feel jelous of her brothers. They can over and I think I pin-pointed it, it's because when they're around her world stops, she'll drop what she's doing and give them attention, the attention I've been dying for. Early this morning she was reading her book (as usual) and I was just here, again, being ignored (or so I felt). Then her brothers showed up and she sets down the book, starts conversation, etc. I see how her face lights up when they're around and I just wish that my presence would bring that joy to her, but I guess it doesn't, so my self-esteem drops through the floor and I feel inadequate.

She says she has nothing to say to me because being a SAHM isn't exciting and she see's me every day, but what about her brothers? She see's them every day and still converses w/ them about anything/everything, her face ignites when she see's them. I'm at a loss here, I just can't win. I feel like since she's not committed, there's nothing I can do and she's not willing to commit, so I feel I'm at a dead-end road here and everything I see beyond that is darkness. I feel fear and hopeless...

Sorry all, but I had to vent... My apoligies.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

USAF1982-

Look, I may have jumped to conclusions in my earlier post. Did you read the article I mentioned? If you can find any section in it that applies to you, it could save you a lot of guessing. Maybe I was wrong, and you come under the pushover section, not the bossy one. The key word you wife is using is "resentment". Once that word is mentioned it's almost a dead cert. that sex and cuddles are out of the window.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Mark,
I did read your article and I'd actually read it previosly when I was looking for information, I ran across it. Good info...

I think I used to be the controlling type and maybe there's a bit of that still in me, but right now, I think I'm being stepped all over.

My problem is I love this woman w/ my life, I'll give her anything/everything and it kills me to see her not even want it...

Like I said, I'm so lost and don't know what to do. I'm in the "strike" mode right now and not giving hugs/kisses, but I have a hard time not doing this. This morning I left and didn't give her a hug/kiss goodbye, I just said "I'm headed out to work, love you, have a good day."

It just hurts me so much not loving her, or loving her but not showing it. I know I'll fall back in the trap before the week is over, actually sooner rather than later.

Oh well, lifes rough....I'll deal w/ it. Thank you all for listening, and I realize that no one can give me a direct "this is what you need to do" answer, I'll keep working at it, suffering, praying, and we'll see what the future holds for us.

Thanks again, you people have been nothing but good to me. I appreciate that...

BTW, I think that quote of your in that article "show me how you were loved as a child and I'll show you how you'll love as an adult" is pretty darn close. She came from a divorced family, was raised mainly by her mother, her father was bearly there for her... Me on the other side am fortunate to have both parents, still married, they always expressed love (hugs/kisses). Sometimes we'll be around friends and I'll move close to hug my wife or even kiss her and she pulls aways, says it's disrepectful, and other things. I think that clarifies that action, but what about the cuddling in bed, etc? I guess it's just resentment...

Like I said, she's stubborn, won't forgive/forget and I love her, so I guess I'm in it for the long-haul. Awkward not being able to see where this is going, knowing there is nothing I can do to change her attitude towards me. I know she doesn't want me to be an @ss hole to her, like I done before, that's the whole reason she despises me.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

Did I say that in MY post or this one? My husband being an @sshole is what makes me not want sex from him. He used to be what this guy is and I was what his wife is. I pushed him away so much, (refusing to pray with him, giving stupid excuses for not having sex, etc) he finally went back to being an @sshole and I would give ANYTHING now for him to be that man again. He loved me so much, treated me so right...my stupid resentment from my past however caused so many problems. I was so blind. Now it is too late, I don't want that to happen to them. She needs to WAKE UP! I don't know what for you to do besides promise yourself that even when you get tired of being a sweety that you still will. That is where you could go wrong. If you get tired of being nice and decide to be a butt. Tell her you have talked to people, show here these posts. Tell her to voice her feelings to people too! What does she do during the day? Does she not get online?? Send her here. You would only benefit from it, and it would not hurt for her to see what you truely feel. If she does not wake up and realize what she has soon, she is going to cause some irreversable damage. You can't deal with her like this forever. You will eventually move on...that is when she will wake up. It is sad...Tell her that you love her and that you want your marriage to get better. Tell her that you read somewhere that when resentment overpowers you, that you should think about how short life is and how the ones you love can be taken from you at anytime. Tell her how she should treat those that she loves (obviously YOU-as she has no problem putting her odd brothers on a pedistool) as if they had a terminal illness and had 6 months to live. See how she reacts to that. That will tell you. When I was treating Marc like crap and someone told me that, it did not cause immediate change, but it did slap me in the face. It made me think. Sad...try her out. You will feel it...you will know where her heart is. If she is still so cold, let her go. She may come back, keep an open mind and let her when she does (afterall that is what you want huh?) but let her go if that statement does not affect her at all. That may bring about the feelings of...Oh look what I had, I was so lucky!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jaclynnbaker said:


> Did I say that in MY post or this one? My husband being an @sshole is what makes me not want sex from him. He used to be what this guy is and I was what his wife is. I pushed him away so much, (refusing to pray with him, giving stupid excuses for not having sex, etc) he finally went back to being an @sshole and I would give ANYTHING now for him to be that man again. He loved me so much, treated me so right...my stupid resentment from my past however caused so many problems. I was so blind. Now it is too late


You've covered so much ground there, can you break it down a bit? It might help USAF1982. It would be particularly interesting if you expanded on the bad bits:



jaclynnbaker said:


> My husband being an @sshole is what makes me not want sex from him.


And for the sake of our eyes, can you break up long passages into small paragraphs.


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