# Intercultural Marriage in Trouble



## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

Hi Folks,

I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.

I've been with my husband for about 8.5 years, married just over 5. I'm American and he's from India (lived here for 13 years). We have serious issues. We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.

I started going to one because I just need to, but I've realized it isn't going to be as helpful as having both of us there. Maybe not helpful at all in the sense of keeping us together in a happy and healthy way. (It hurt him when I went to one alone and it would kill him knowing I'm writing this post. Boy, I'm a terrible person...)

I'm not even sure what I'm asking here. Perhaps I wonder if there's anyone out there who's been through anything similar and if they have any general thoughts. I feel pretty helpless...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.
> 
> ...


Is there any reason you do not want to divorce? I lived in India for 3 years, and I think it would be tough to marry someone from there. Their culture and ours are pretty different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If the problems are such that they require him to work with you, then I guess you have two choices... accept things as they are or divorce.

Which would will you be doing? 

You cannot make him do anything. So you have to make your decisions based what you have control over.. yourself.

Refusing to go to a marriage counselor or individual counselor is hardly unique to his culture. A huge percentage of he average, run of the mill (if there is such a thing  ) American guy will not go to any kind of counseling. 

Perhaps you and he are casting things as cultural differences that really are not. Though I know that your cultures are very different.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> I'm new to the forum, mainly out of desperation in hopes of finding someone who can understand my situation. I live in the south so intercultural marriages are uncommon.
> 
> ...


Well there you go.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Hi Folks,
> We've talked about divorce, etc. He refuses to go to a counselor. He says it's just not his culture, etc. When I say refuse, he's told me he prefers divorce over a therapist.


divorce isn't in his culture either. He's bluffing. Start the paperwork, and see how fast he becomes a 'fixer of problems'.

can you list the problems you have? financial? infidelity? what?


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

Our problems are mainly cultural now. I think so at least... When I was young (23 when we got married) I thought I could adapt to his culture. Over the years I just lost myself and now that we are in a new city I've been able to regain some things about me that he doesn't like. (Like I wore a one piece bathing suit to a kayaking trip! I have a few beers every once in a while. etc. etc.)

At this point he lets me do anything I want and he doesn't say a word. But I know he's miserable because of it. 

Also, we're both alpha personalities. Also...we have an age gap of 11 years. And also ;-) because I like to say also a lot he gave up his dream for me but I'm "no longer the person (he) married."

Thanks for all your feedback.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

jld said:


> Is there any reason you do not want to divorce? I lived in India for 3 years, and I think it would be tough to marry someone from there. Their culture and ours are pretty different.


I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would strongly encourage you to give up the relationship. Cultural differences, a big age gap, and getting together at a young age are big challenges. Any one could be a dealbreaker.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?


You're young, honey. You are seeing the draw of your own culture. He knows the draw of his. 

I think you know what is going to happen, what is already happening. Let it happen. You will be okay.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is this a cultural divide or a religious divide or both ?

If he was a Hindu, Jain, Buddhist or Christian, I do not think he would have an issue with your one piece bathing suit. If he is a Muslim, then he would and probably would prefer for you to be covered up completely.


In any case multi cultural marriages are difficult and unless both parties are reasonably educated (in every sense of the word), rules and boundaries aren't drawn up first and people get lost in the passion of new (and different) romance!

Not uncommon at all. But also very fixable if both parties are willing to discuss. Now if he is not willing to discuss then there is an underlying issue which might not have anything to do with your cultures and you need to find out what it is.

What does he say is the problem ?


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I love him and I've spent my entire adulthood with him...I also don't have any family to speak of. I'm alone in the world. I'm also afraid I'd regret my decision. And in general, it's a commitment I made. You know?


Well, sounds like you can be either who you really are or else you can be who he wants you to be (since it doesn't seem he wants to try to work with you on the marriage problems and obviously you can't change who he is). You've already discussed divorce so apparently you aren't totally opposed to it. Maybe you need to tell him that the two of you either seek MC or you go your separate ways.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

jld said:


> You're young, honey. You are seeing the draw of your own culture. He knows the draw of his.
> 
> I think you know what is going to happen, what is already happening. Let it happen. You will be okay.


I feel like you're right... ADDED: I think if I were working, we'd already be getting a divorce because I can be a little impulsive. If I have to be honest...



manfromlamancha said:


> Is this a cultural divide or a religious divide or both ?
> 
> If he was a Hindu, Jain, Buddhist or Christian, I do not think he would have an issue with your one piece bathing suit. If he is a Muslim, then he would and probably would prefer for you to be covered up completely.
> 
> ...


He comes from a Muslim family, but he's not religious and neither am I. 

And boundaries, that's exactly what he thinks is the problem. We set boundaries that I have crossed. He's right. I absolutely did say I have no interest in drinking alcohol or wearing a bikini, etc.. I just had no idea it would suffocate me as much as it has. 

And to point out, before I stepped over those boundaries he told me I should do what I want. Then when I did, it freaked him out.

At this point, we are just maintaining this marriage. He's trying to pretend that he's ok with everything and he's being so compliant. But there's no longer a real connection.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think we are all just confirming what you know in your heart.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

jld said:


> I think we are all just confirming what you know in your heart.


And being as alone as I am, there's no one else I can hear this from. My therapist won't say that. She's asked me if I even want to work on it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> And being as alone as I am, there's no one else I can hear this from. My therapist won't say that. She's asked me if I even want to work on it.


Why are you so alone?


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...


The way you wrote that it sounds like he made a unilateral decision to close the business. Is this what happened?

Why did he close the business if you were bringing money in?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.


I am sure that was hard, cutting off from your family, even if you knew it was the healthiest thing to do.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> AmericanplusIndian said:
> 
> 
> > I think I need to mention that after running his business for 6+ years when he closed it for me, I am having trouble finding a job. I got one that I ended up having to quit because I broke my leg. So I haven't worked since Dec 2014. I'm working hard to find one though...
> ...


I was under the impression we closed it because we mutually wanted a different lifestyle. I didn't know later until all was said and done how much he regretted it/actually didn't want to close it. My therapist says we have a communication problem.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

jld said:


> AmericanplusIndian said:
> 
> 
> > I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.
> ...


It was the hardest yet the best decision I've ever made.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I feel like you're right... ADDED: I think if I were working, we'd already be getting a divorce because I can be a little impulsive. If I have to be honest...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It usually does not matter if a person who was raised in a religion actually practices it. They grow up in the rules of that religion and think that social and moral constructs of the FOO morals are what is right. In cultures that are heavily religious, the religion is not just something that they do one day a week. It's their culture.

You married young. People change a LOT between their early 20's and early 30's. The human brain is not completely developed until about age 26. Usually people experience a big change in their outlook on life at that time. I think that this, coupled with the fact that the romantic love as mellowed (or died down) are what has lead to the changes in you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> I was under the impression we closed it because we mutually wanted a different lifestyle. I didn't know later until all was said and done how much he regretted it/actually didn't want to close it. My therapist says we have a communication problem.


Can you restart the business? Maybe in your name?


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It usually does not matter if a person who was raised in a religion actually practices it. They grow up in the rules of that religion and think that social and moral constructs of the FOO morals are what is right. In cultures that are heavily religious, the religion is not just something that they do one day a week. It's their culture.
> 
> You married young. People change a LOT between their early 20's and early 30's. The human brain is not completely developed until about age 26. Usually people experience a big change in their outlook on life at that time. I think that this, coupled with the fact that the romantic love as mellowed (or died down) are what has lead to the changes in you.


I'm starting to realize how correct you are about that. The thing is, I had always thought he was so different because he was raised as a minority in a Hindu pilgrimage city (haridwar). There were literally only a handful of Muslims there.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> AmericanplusIndian said:
> 
> 
> > I was under the impression we closed it because we mutually wanted a different lifestyle. I didn't know later until all was said and done how much he regretted it/actually didn't want to close it. My therapist says we have a communication problem.
> ...


Oh I have no desire to go into business again. I hated hated hated it. I just want a regular job so I can live my regular life. That's another problem between us. He wants different things. When we were in business we'd be talking about invoices and such in bed. And he never understood why I hated it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you do not have a job. I read some in your posts that you feel that you cannot divorce him at this time because you have no income.

Are there sufficient assets in the marriage that you can use to support yourself for a while?

IF you file for divorce, you can ask for interim spousal support until the divorce is final. You are still his wife and legally he is still responsible to support you (the reverse is true too). Any income either of you make is still community income. So during the divorce it is often split so that all of the bills are paid... your bills and his bills. Then the two of you split what is left over. 

After the divorce you might be entitled to spousal support for a period of time.. like until you get a job or for longer.

Have you done any research on the internet to find out what the divorce laws are there? You could also talk to an attorney to find out your rights.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Oh I have no desire to go into business again. I hated hated hated it. I just want a regular job so I can live my regular life. That's another problem between us. He wants different things. When we were in business we'd be talking about invoices and such in bed. And he never understood why I hated it.


Did he have a job and so the business was on the side with you running it?

Running a business can be awful. I agree. If it's not your things you should not be doing it.

Do you have a college degree?

I hope you put the work that you did for his business on your resume.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

Yes, I have a B.S. We both worked full time for the business and had other employees as well. It's most certainly on my resume. Haha 

I think it's my pride. I hate the idea of not taking care of my own self financially. I just hate that for the first time in my life that I'm not working I am in this situation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Yes, I have a B.S. We both worked full time for the business and had other employees as well. It's most certainly on my resume. Haha
> 
> I think it's my pride. I hate the idea of not taking care of my own self financially. I just hate that for the first time in my life that I'm not working I am in this situation.


It's only temporary. You can get back on your feet soon.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If I had a nickel for every Muslim that said they weren't religious and then went on to have marital problems with a non-Muslim wife (for exactly the reasons Ele described), I would be a millionairre! 

As I said, after the blush of first love etc, his ways would start to weigh in (normally becomes full force once a baby arrives) and would end up stifling your existence and soul. You would then be asked to change beyond all recognition usually in small incremental steps (all while still saying "I am not religious!"). First no bikinis, no drinking, then no working, bathing suits, talking to any men, going out on your own, having friends etc etc

You guys are very clearly mismatched in what you want out of life so the boundaries being set will never work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I'm in an intercultural marriage and raised two kids, luckily my husband is not so religious and did convert to mine (of his own volition years later). However no matter what culture you are marriages will have the same issues. However I find Asian men may have less focus on romance and more on making money and providing for the family. 
sorry to say when there are differences of opinion in terms of the things you mention, someone ends up sacrificing, it depends on how long that person wants to sacrifice themselves when it is only one way. You may have to consider getting out


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I also have a cross-cultural marriage and they are not easy. Everything is a little harder. The secret is talk, talk, talk, talk. There is nothing different to a normal marriage, just a matter of degree.

Is English (or American) his first language? Does he have problems understanding others speech, or being understood? My W does. After 10 years she told me she had never understood a single sentence of the husband of the women who introduced us, and they worked for my wife for years. He spoke Australian with a mild country drawl. Every conversation they ever had failed and he never knew. All our conversations need to remember this. She often throws her hands up and says "bloody English", as a sign she is mentally exhausted and wants a rest. This applies to everyone else, just maybe more so to you two. Never quickly assume he actually understood you or you understood him.




AmericanplusIndian said:


> I feel like you're right... ADDED: I think if I were working, we'd already be getting a divorce because I can be a little impulsive. If I have to be honest...
> 
> He comes from a Muslim family, but he's not religious and neither am I.
> 
> ...





AmericanplusIndian said:


> Our problems are mainly cultural now. I think so at least... When I was young (23 when we got married) I thought I could adapt to his culture. Over the years I just lost myself and now that we are in a new city I've been able to regain some things about me that he doesn't like. (Like I wore a one piece bathing suit to a kayaking trip! I have a few beers every once in a while. etc. etc.)
> 
> At this point he lets me do anything I want and he doesn't say a word. But I know he's miserable because of it.
> 
> ...


Do you know his boundaries for certain? If language is an issue (and even if not) you cannot be certain of anything that is said once. And even then, people and boundaries change.
You wore a one piece. You drank alcohol. For most people, including me, neither is an issue. But you say he's miserable because of it. This is now a communication and commitment problem, not a cultural problem. If you knew the boundary, crossed it and caused him misery then the two are not working together well. The answer is to talk about it. Maybe he doesn't actually care now, and the boundary doesn't exist any more. Maybe you need to re-establish boundaries that you both can live with. Maybe you need to apologise. But regardless, two people causing each other misery is not good. And again, I don't see anything wrong with what you did, and I don't think "no one piece" is a fair boundary, but you are not married to me.

The fact he prefers divorce to counselling is a huge problem and suggests there is little time to waste.

If he is muslim, maybe you can use the mosque to get counselling. Maybe they are skilled at cross-cultural marriages. Maybe they will suggest MC, and he will listen. Maybe he will match your effort by agreeing to MC. Maybe it will be a waste of time, but try anyway.


I think people who are not very religous set the worst boundaries, as they don't understand the details and underlying principles. They may set arbitrary boundaries and then get stuck with them and fear changing them. Again the answer is to talk, why are particular boundaries important. Don't try to beat him into submission, or mercylessly destroy all existing boundaries. But get him to think and discuss. Once he does, he may be OK with a one piece etc. He may be miserable because you broke his boundary, without apologizing, rather than that the boundary was important.




AmericanplusIndian said:


> I'm alone because many years ago I cut off from my very toxic family. I have some distant relatives I'm friends with on Facebook, otherwise I have literally no one expect my friends.


Get new friends. One issue with cross-cultural marriages is they can make it hard for you to be friends with your spouses friends and family. I can barely speak to my many of my wifes family. You need friends for you sanity.



AmericanplusIndian said:


> I was under the impression we closed it because we mutually wanted a different lifestyle. I didn't know later until all was said and done how much he regretted it/actually didn't want to close it. My therapist says we have a communication problem.


Yes, you two have a communication problem.

The plus side of a cross-cultural marriage can be you have a spouse who has taken on a great battle to get you.


I think all marriages are cross-cultural, in that there is a man and a woman. The differences between men and women are bigger than the differences between cultures. I think women are not just a different culture, they are a different species. 

All marriages need talk, and talk is hard.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

Thanks, everyone. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've been focusing on job applications. All of your feedback has really helped me a lot. As a follow up to what some has said:

Communication: English isn't his first language, but he's been speaking it since he was a kid. He speaks English 24/7 and has been doing it for so long he sometimes has trouble expressing himself in his native language. I don't know, folks, we talk a lot. When I say a lot, I mean hours upon hours. Lots of things have been communicated, very openly and honestly. 

Boundaries: Manfromlamancha said boundaries being set aren't the best idea at this point (because really, I think manfromlamancha could be right about the eventual suffocation). But I think I need to solidify the way I view things and decide on what I can compromise on. Then present it to him and see how he takes it initially and then onward. 

Mosque counseling: That would be the last place he would go. He hasn't been to a mosque in years and loathes them. And they are the last people he wants in his business. Mine too. haha


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

So English language should not be an issue, and you have spent hours and hours talking. But I would still stress communication! Your marriage still has communication issues, as most marriage do. The issue though is probably with differing beliefs and desires.

As a christian I can't understand christians who say they don't need to go to church, or don't like the church. Those people should be described as lapsed christians. They often carry vague and incorrect beliefs of christianity. As time passes the beliefs are less understood, but often more firmly held. Sounds like you H is a lapsed muslim and perhaps his boundaries are similarly based. 

I still think counselling would be good, but can't suggest any option if he is not willing to go.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

ReidWright said:


> divorce isn't in his culture either. He's bluffing. Start the paperwork, and see how fast he becomes a 'fixer of problems'.
> 
> can you list the problems you have? financial? infidelity? what?


I agree.
I am Indian, and have lived in the US for almost 20 years so I know both cultures. Divorce is still looked down upon in India though it has eased a bit in recent years. 

The fact that he prefers divorce to therapy means that he wants divorce. There is something going on which is why he is saying this. Is he having an affair?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> If I had a nickel for every Muslim that said they weren't religious and then went on to have marital problems with a non-Muslim wife (for exactly the reasons Ele described), I would be a millionairre!
> 
> As I said, after the blush of first love etc, his ways would start to weigh in (normally becomes full force once a baby arrives) and would end up stifling your existence and soul. You would then be asked to change beyond all recognition usually in small incremental steps (all while still saying "I am not religious!"). First no bikinis, no drinking, then no working, bathing suits, talking to any men, going out on your own, having friends etc etc
> 
> You guys are very clearly mismatched in what you want out of life so the boundaries being set will never work.


The thing with Muslims is that many of them actually romance (target) non Muslim women with the hidden goal of converting them to Islam or having Muslim kids. In India this is called "love jihad". For many, it's just a way to increase their numbers to "steal" another man's woman. They think about women like goods, something you can trade/steal/buy.

I have met only very few Muslim men who are really open minded like everybody else. Most have deep seated cultural biases and controls. Some people discover their inner Islam during late adulthood like many Pakistani cricket players (google "Inzamam ul Haq") and turn super religious and preachy after going clubbing and womanizing in their 20s.

You should make sure you can support yourself financially even if you stay married. And try to re-establish contact with your family. Once you feel stronger, then you can decide what you want to do.


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## AmericanplusIndian (Jun 6, 2015)

NotEasy said:


> So English language should not be an issue, and you have spent hours and hours talking. But I would still stress communication! Your marriage still has communication issues, as most marriage do. The issue though is probably with differing beliefs and desires.
> 
> As a christian I can't understand christians who say they don't need to go to church, or don't like the church. Those people should be described as lapsed christians. They often carry vague and incorrect beliefs of christianity. As time passes the beliefs are less understood, but often more firmly held. Sounds like you H is a lapsed muslim and perhaps his boundaries are similarly based.
> 
> I still think counselling would be good, but can't suggest any option if he is not willing to go.


This is what I'm afraid of. I know he has not intentionally misled me. I'm just afraid this is going to happen at this point.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> Thanks, everyone. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've been focusing on job applications. All of your feedback has really helped me a lot. As a follow up to what some has said:
> 
> Communication: English isn't his first language, but he's been speaking it since he was a kid. He speaks English 24/7 and has been doing it for so long he sometimes has trouble expressing himself in his native language. I don't know, folks, we talk a lot. When I say a lot, I mean hours upon hours. Lots of things have been communicated, very openly and honestly.
> 
> ...


Where are you guys living, in US or India? That will make a difference as you would have to conform to some of the norms in India.
You are right to try and get yourself financially independent and meet others, new job,etc.
What is stopping you from both having a good heart to heart about the boundaries, his views, your views and coming to an understanding?

The thing is if he is a lapsed muslim he still has entrenced cultural views about how a woman should behave, the same way as you would have your own culturally based views on how your H should behave, treat you etc.
It is very difficult for most Asian men to talk about their inner most feelings etc to someone they don't know so therapy etc is not something they will willingly do. Maybe he is throwing divorce around knowing you will not press the issue so in essence he is getting you to back off. Ask him point blank does he want a divorce, (Muslims have no problem with divorce, some other poster said they do), in fact they can marry 4 times all at the same time). 

You have lost the connection, now you need to get into his mind and heart and see where he is coming from. If you have hurt him then you need to say sorry. There are just some things we have to do in intercultural marriages to give respect to our partners as it is important to them and vice versa. (For example my in-laws do not eat beef, my H loves it but for many years I couldn't' have beef in my fridge because they would find it offensive, (they visited and saw it once) and I wasn't happy about it, but did it for my H as it made him happy. Further my father in law didn't like me in his house with shorts, so I don't wear shorts when I go there). 

Maybe he feels you are not as willing to show respect as when you first got married, these things matter particularly to men and it is also a reflection on him if his wife does whatever she wants and ignores his feelings on the subject.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You grew up. The early 20s to late 20s is a time of discovery. The promises you make at 23 yo may not be what you want at 30 yo. You got married before you had a chance to grow up and to a person who was not at your stage in life. The wide cultural and religious gaps add to your challenges. Your husband may not be a practicing Muslim but he is a cultural one. He is about 40 yo and you are about 30 yo? 

The age gap, cultural and religious differences are fixed. He is not likely to adjust to your values, likes and dislikes. He is steeped in his cultural attitude towards woman. He wants that impressionable girl to follow him without question. If you can revert back to that person then he will be happy. You will not. It's time to make a choice. He has made his choice now it's time for you to make yours. 

Get yourself independent, get a job, and a work towards a career path. You can do it. You just have to have faith that you can. You are not used to making decisions but with practice, you will get good at it.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

AmericanplusIndian said:


> This is what I'm afraid of. I know he has not intentionally misled me. I'm just afraid this is going to happen at this point.


I also doubt there is any intentional misleading here, rather two different mind-sets which are not communicating clearly. Welcome to marriage.

My worry about lapsed muslim (or lapsed any religion) is that it makes it so much harder to see what his mindset is. If he was a practising any religion I would suggest study his religion; not believe it, just study it. The trouble with a lapsed belief is you can't easily tell what beliefs remain. He may have formed his beliefs from childhood stories or from TV or from cultural customs. But you need to understand him and his beliefs. My best suggestion is you ask him to explain his beliefs to you. Expect it to take many sessions, over many hours and to not be clear.

Might he be interested in you two reading marriage self-help books together?


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