# Is It Wrong To Wait For The Right Time To Start A Marriage?



## Utopian2630 (Sep 12, 2007)

Thanks everyone for the insight. I am glad I joined this forum to get mature answers unlike some other places where people say awful things. I think some people need to realize that when you get to a certain point, the games are over (at least they should be). I remember reading on another forum that people try to play a game to see how long they can go without contacting someone, which might work for some, but honestly I try to be mature about things. Obviously space is important, and I think sometimes people really do need to take a little time off to regroup and things, but I think simply not talking isnt one way to work things out.

I am certainly willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. She is away right now for work and I txtd her before she left just to wish her a safe trip ( nothing more ) and she did write back to thank me so I guess in some small way the ice is somewhat broken after a week. I am not looking at counceiling as a 'fix all' as there have been some things I've needed to work on as well. I guess one of the things is she is getting closer to a milestone birthday and might be feeling some pressure. Mind you there is NOTHING more I want than to spend the rest of my life with her and start a family, I just wanted to wait for the right time. I've spent the past half of the year paying off my bills and getting some things in order just because I didnt want us to struggle down the road when it happens. 

Has anyone here ever had an experience when one person was feeling 'pressure' to marry by a certain age? Am I wrong by wanting to wait a little while ( maybe another 8-12 months)? After a lot of soul searching, I know its what I want, but just wanted to start things off right. How can I effectively communicate this without looking like I am stalling???


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## yen (Sep 6, 2007)

No its not wrong to wait marriage is suppose to be for life so if you love each other it should not matter if you get married by a age limit or not. She should be happy you want to get things in order first and not start off with uneeded bills. Because you will have enough of those when you get married. Tell her how you feel and be honest she should understand. Good luck


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I don't think its wrong to wait to marry, as long as you're not waiting for a "perfect" - because there are none. Just like if you wait to have children until you can afford them, you'll probably never have them. 

If you're dating someone and they are pressuring you to get married, they're probably not the person you're looking for. Get married for love, that you really can't see yourself living without the other person, no other reason.


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## Utopian2630 (Sep 12, 2007)

Its not that I am waiting for a 'perfect' time. Things happen that you cant always prepare for, so I dont think you can really predict when a 'perfect' time would be. All I really wanted to do was just pay off things like credit cards and consolidate my student loans so I didnt have those things hanging over me. So far I've done a good job of doing those things and I really would like to get married within the next couple years--we've just never discussed a time line. Every time she would ask me if I was planning on marrying her one day, I always said of course, because I do plan on marrying her some day. It just seems, with her milestone birthday coming up next month, she is seeing things a little differently. She has been having trouble at work the past month and has had a lot of pressures and carries a lot of burden from her family since loosing 2 very close family members. At times she has said she just needs a break from everything, so I wonder if things are just starting to unravel a bit for her. In the past, she has never vocalized things well, just waited until things were so bottled up she couldn't take it anymore which is why all of this is so shocking to me. Like I said, I am completely committed to making things work. I have given up an assignment which would require me to do a lot of traveling just so I could spend more time with her and work things through. In the process, I have also taken a job in a different industry with more stability--again just so we wouldnt have to struggle down the road. The question is....how do you communicate with someone who shuts themselves off whenever things get a little hard??


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## katharina (Jun 29, 2007)

Utopian2630 said:


> Has anyone here ever had an experience when one person was feeling 'pressure' to marry by a certain age? Am I wrong by wanting to wait a little while ( maybe another 8-12 months)? After a lot of soul searching, I know its what I want, but just wanted to start things off right. How can I effectively communicate this without looking like I am stalling???


I feel that a marriage should happen when both people are certain they're ready. If there's any pressure from one person when the other isn't ready, it's just not a good start for a marriage... that person would probably always feel "trapped" or pushed into something they weren't ready for. Not a real good foundation to start a hopeful lifetime together.

I think that wanting to have your proverbial ducks in a row and get some loans paid off and so on is a healthy way to look at this. Good luck!


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## hotpepper1979 (Sep 12, 2007)

It sounds like you are dealing with someone that is the type to pick flight over fight. There are those out there. I am one. I have a really hard time not shutting down when I feel things are getting hard or I feel attacked. Although you cannot change that part of her, you can control the way you talk to her. I know you might sometimes think to yourself, why should I have to do it. Why cant she make any effort. I can tell you though that I am most often going to open up when I am not feeling like I have to go on the defense. Try to keep your tone and words neutral and speak from a place of love. I know from personal experience people want to talk when this is the space that has been created. You sound like an incredible catch. I am sure you will find that happiness that you deserve. GOOD LUCK!!!!


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## Wife4Life (Sep 18, 2007)

I agree with what others have said in the fact that both persons need to be at that place in time in your life when you are both ready. It took my husband and I awhile to both get to that point. I was married once before so before even talking about getting engaged we discussed openly about our differences, what we expect out of marriage and what we both want carreer wise, children wise for the future. We had a ton of open, frank conversations. I wanted nothing more to get married but even more so this time around I wanted to marry the right person for me. I'm so glad that my husband and I really sorted thru so much even before our engagement. Yes, we have only been married for a few weeks but at least we both got into this marriage being on the same page. 

How open and upfront are you with eachother? Does she know what exactly you want to "square" away. Perhaps, you need to have a very frank and open conversation about your future together..Perhaps that may help! Good luck to you!


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