# wife not intersted in sex



## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

I have been married for 3 years and my wife has lost isexual interest in me. This is putting a strain in our marriage. i


----------



## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

Find out why she is not interested and ask if there is anything you can do for her. Please be careful on how you word yourself, I know that not all women are the same but the majority will react negatively if you approach them the wrong way. 

Just treat her the way you wish to be treated ^_^ Look at it through her perspective when you find out why she isn't interested. Was there something that you don't have interest in now that you did together constantly in the past, but she still wanted to do?


----------



## jason (Dec 12, 2009)

tuzal said:


> I have been married for 3 years and my wife has lost isexual interest in me. This is putting a strain in our marriage. i


You should take into consideration that she might be having an affair, it's what happened to me. Snoop around a bit, better safe than sorry.


----------



## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

jason said:


> You should take into consideration that she might be having an affair, it's what happened to me. Snoop around a bit, better safe than sorry.


1. Not all woman are the same. I know you said "take into consideration" but I think that would cause more problems than it's worth. Everyone likes to be given the benefit of the doubt, think what would of happened if she wasn't having an affair and he approached her with his so called "evidence".
2. Usually when someone is looking for signs of an affair without addressing the issue of their concern, they will find something that may seem "off" at first and later develop trust issues.
3. It's just best to be assertive with the issue and concern, and approach it in a way where there is no attacking involved. When there is no attacking involved, there is no need to be defensive. 


Sorry to post against you, I just have different beliefs and I don't like unproductive comments in a forum that is suppose to be supportive and give advice that would help the situation ^_^


----------



## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

My situation is a complex one. The reasons for her not to be interested in sex are as follows:

•Initially she preferred masturbation than penetration till to the point of reaching climax. This implies that when she gets to that point of excitement, l have to get in and come out quickly (sex became selfish as that).
•After the birth of our son her attention was to the child more than us. It was as if l don’t exist.
•Our financial commitments were to the child and the bond for the house l just bought for us as a family. For unfortunate reasons our entertainment was compromised and is one (entertainment) of her complaints.
•She later needed penetrative sex of which my body is used to quick ejaculation (not her liking now).
•After work she will complain about tiredness and requests to make love in the morning. By then our son is awake and can’t do such in front of the child.

The above problems are but the few problems we fight about. The idea of her having an affair was considered and talked about a great deal (maybe one of the reasons why she lacks interest). I even discussed and requested her to take a polygraph test, of which she agreed. My fears about the polygraph test are the results (positive or negative) and the impact they might have in our relationship. I love her so much and any help/ advice will do to save my marriage and family.


----------



## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

I found this while surfing for inspiration. I hope this helps when it comes to your situation. Go to the site at the bottom, it explains it better.



> Wrong diagnosis.
> As men tend to be pragmatic, the first thing they do is to try to analyse the situation. This is where many a man makes his first mistake. It's a mistake so huge that if it's not quickly seen through it will set him off on a path that will only cause more problems later. The mistake is this: they believe that the woman's sex drive has declined. And it's not just made by married men. Agony aunts, doctors and therapists all seem to make this wrong diagnosis. These experts then weigh in with advice aimed at fixing the woman's malfunctioning sex drive. So she is advised to have her hormone levels checked, and told that anyway, it's quite normal for drives to slacken off with age and motherhood.
> 
> Well, there is some truth in all the above, but if we look closely, we see that we are not sticking to the facts. And the facts are these: the woman is less interested in sex with her husband. She does not desire him. She does not find him as physically attractive as she once did. However, if a cute-looking guy crosses her field of view, she may well have quite a different response. Sometimes it can result in an affair starting. The husband is shocked because he thought she had gone off sex; why would she want sex with someone else? The answer is obvious if we get rid of the blinkered outlook that the wrong diagnosis creates - she has not gone off sex at all, she has simply gone of sex with her husband.
> ...


----------



## jason (Dec 12, 2009)

People need sex. I'm not trying to be the pessimist but after what I've been through I tend to be skeptical about stuff. That's why I told you to be careful about an affair, since that's the thing that can wreck your relationship and marriage for good. That doesn't mean she has an affair and it doesn't mean you will have to be paranoid about it - just be careful.

Try to spice things up a bit. Be romantic, women love that. Wait for her one night with a light dinner by candlelight and a bed full of rose petals. Make sure the dinner is light otherwise she might just be in the mood for sleep afterwards.

Now in bed, if you indeed come to quick try to masturbate 30 minutes prior to intercourse. And focus on her - make her feel real good, make her crave for more. Try to make love to her - not sex. Be passionate about it.

Also in the future you might want to consider kegel exercises to work your pc muscle. Although premature ejaculation is mostly a psychological issue rather than a physical one, a strong pc muscle can work wonders. I know it helped me a lot. First results after about 2 months - I pretty much don't come unless I want to.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

tuzal said:


> My situation is a complex one. The reasons for her not to be interested in sex are as follows:
> 
> •Initially she preferred masturbation than penetration till to the point of reaching climax. This implies that when she gets to that point of excitement, l have to get in and come out quickly (sex became selfish as that).
> •After the birth of our son her attention was to the child more than us. It was as if l don’t exist.
> ...


She is most likey interested in sex, just not with you.

From your post, it is obvious why.

You are letting your woman lead the relationship, call all the shots, determine the priorities and the mood of the whole relationship.

A relationship with two women, that is most likely not what either of you are desiring. 

A relationship with a man and a woman, that is sexual attraction!

You seem to be doing much talking to your wife, but what about action? What do you take the lead on, take control of, take responsibility of?

Plan an inexpensive date, down to the minute,once or twice a week for starters. This is showing you can "entertain" creatively while still controlling expense. 

This will also show your woman she is desirable to you and will cure her of her insecurity and resentment to you for her unhappiness. 

Here are the facts:

A woman will be irrestibly attracted to the dominant man, the man in control of himself and his environment. 

At one time this was you, unless you or your wife were married against your will.

Become again the confident man you were before, and your lack of sex "mystery" will be solved.


----------



## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

13lissy – “she has not gone off sex at all, she has simply gone of sex with her husband.”
BigBadWolf – “she is most likey interested in sex, just not with you.”
Both quotes above carry the same idea were my personal feelings but I guess I was in denial bout the fact that she is no longer there. For our (me and my wife’s) happiness and enjoyment of life, ending the relationship/ marriage is an option. We will move with our lives and start over. Hard pill to swallow. Thanks.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

tuzal said:


> 13lissy – “she has not gone off sex at all, she has simply gone of sex with her husband.”
> BigBadWolf – “she is most likey interested in sex, just not with you.”
> Both quotes above carry the same idea were my personal feelings but I guess I was in denial bout the fact that she is no longer there. For our (me and my wife’s) happiness and enjoyment of life, ending the relationship/ marriage is an option. We will move with our lives and start over. Hard pill to swallow. Thanks.


It is important to say, once a man has that attitude as you, that ending is the option, then the whole world is opening up.

It is sometimes backwards to think about, but it is like they say, "to live like you have nothing else to lose".

But also to realize, not knowing all your details of course, that even regardless whether you are to reconcile with your woman or cut your woman loose, to ALWAYS carry in your presentation to your woman the attitude that you are confident and in control. 

This is the surest way, if there is a way at all, to turn sexual attraction around.

Please read again my other post to see there is nothing in my post saying anything other than you can turn this around if you choose too.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you really want her back, or to try to turn this around, you must take more control like Big Bad Wolf says , maybe consider some of the exercises in "the Love Dare" Book Amazon.com: The Love Dare (9780805448856): Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: Books I know nothing about this book, but was amazed after seeing "Fireproof " & looking up this book , all the Life changing comments on how it saved marraiges.


----------



## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

13lissy said:


> I found this while surfing for inspiration. I hope this helps when it comes to your situation. Go to the site at the bottom, it explains it better.


I have read the article and found it interesting and somewhat relevant to my situation. maybe resentment (this may not be true) is one the reasons for our problem.

the situation is that I have child (a boy) from someone I used to date before getting married. during weekend visits my wife will either go for shopping or go to her parents for the time my son is with us. she is cold to him and even attended councelling sessions in trying to accept the situation. 

still after the situation is much the same- she just can't accept him as part of the family though he spends almost 90% of the with his mother.

I just can't run away from the responsibility. I love my children and need to treat them equally.

In short, the arguments about the situation may have triggered negative responses towards the marriage and our sex life.

thanx.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

When there is resentment from a woman to a man, it is this one thing: She is insecure with her position, feeling she is not measuring up in one way or the other. For her defense, and to protect herself, emotional walls will come up.

How you are responding to these defenses, which is the arguing, or your woman finding other things to do when you are with your child, and YOU LETTING HER are showing her that, in her mind, "maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want me around".

Perhaps this child is reminding her of another woman she is worried she doesn't measure up.

Perhaps this child is reminding her that she has not given you a son.

Regardless, the problem is you have not reassured your woman that her place with you is secure.

You have no reasurred your woman that she is important to you, in matters concerning this son.

Understand no matter what you may have said, in these matters actions speak louder than words.

The solution is this:

Be the dominant man, that is in control of himself and his environment. 

So when your woman pushes your buttons, you are still in control, calm, and will set the mood. This mood should be that you love your son, your woman has nothing to worry about, and you and your son will be happy in successful in life, and your woman is invited to participate in this happiness.

When she is wanting to withdraw herself from you and your son's time, simply stand up for yourself, and invite her to be a part of your life, which is her rightful place and what, deep down, she is wishing you would do.

I wish you well.


----------



## tuzal (Dec 25, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> When there is resentment from a woman to a man, it is this one thing: She is insecure with her position, feeling she is not measuring up in one way or the other. For her defense, and to protect herself, emotional walls will come up.
> 
> How you are responding to these defenses, which is the arguing, or your woman finding other things to do when you are with your child, and YOU LETTING HER are showing her that, in her mind, "maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want me around".
> 
> ...


I wish to point out that we do have a 2 year boy together. The other I mentioned is from the previous relationship and turning 6.

before getting married, she was made aware of the other child and have tried to reasure her of her her postion a number of times. This got the atttention of our parents and it was further discussed and seem to accept the situation.

Question -
*Is dominance and control in a relatioship not destructive if 
there's too much of it
*Do the above not depend on the personality of the individual 
as others by nature are shy or not as forward?
*If good, how does one regain such if lost already?

I feel that the marriage has become an effort more than the enjoyment of life.Going home from work is like a second job more exhausting than the real one but still keep on keeping on.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

tuzal said:


> I wish to point out that we do have a 2 year boy together. The other I mentioned is from the previous relationship and turning 6.
> 
> before getting married, she was made aware of the other child and have tried to reasure her of her her postion a number of times. This got the atttention of our parents and it was further discussed and seem to accept the situation.
> 
> ...


This was said on the other thread, but is good so I will use this here. The one the dominant man is really simply controlling is himself. So no there is not too much of it. Rarely even to do even if you were try very hard.

What is destructive is, on the other hand, these things that are done that make the woman feel insecure. These things are what need to stop.

This reassurance, you have mentioned, please understand that for a woman and her insecurity, words are not effective. It is the action that is what matters.

The way a man relates to a woman, to let her know she is desirable to him, and he as the dominant man will have what he desires, it what will light the fire in her and kill the insecurity.

When a woman is pushing a man's buttons, these are tests. These tests are won when the man, despite the buttons pushed, continues to remain calm, confident, and emotionally and sexually in control of the mood always, and therefore the relationship. 

These tests come, the man will pass, another test will come, the man will pass. Each time the woman is letting her guard down more and more, becoming more feminine and relaxed, because she is able to trust her man to be the man.

Once or twice, maybe the first times, especially if the man is not used to standing his ground and being dominant is often scary, but seeing how the woman reacts to him when he passes this test, is VERY encouraging, almost even an epiphany (to both of them  ), and so it goes that things start falling into place.

To have the courage to take the first steps, that is what many men are simply needing to take.

And do not rely on "being shy" or anything about introverted or anything else cloud this water. This is solely about a man being in control of himself and his environment, and specifically about behaving in a way that works, as opposed to behaving in a way that does not work.

Any task, whether a physical task, or learning to do something new, requires making an effort and seeing the results. An example is learning to drive, when you turn the wheel to the left, the vehicle turns to the left. This is cause and effect, and does not depend on whether the driver is shy, or introverted, or doesn't even "know how to drive". Simply practice the cause and effect, and in time these things will become clear.

The same with sexual attraction, when a man holds his ground and works to become dominant, the relationship settles down, the confusion settles between the man and the woman, and resentment cools and is replaced by sexual attraction.

A man strives to dominate, the woman strives to be dominated. This is the natural structure of sexual attraction.

This is also noteworthy, because you have noted, it takes MUCH effort to do these things you are currently doing, but are not working. 

It is against a mans nature to try to follow a woman, and appease her. It takes energy, and the results are only resentment on both sides.

But when a man is dominant, it is simply this, a man acting in his nature. It is practically effortless, and the results, which are that his woman is no longer insecure, but is burning inside sexually for him and is, to the man's perspective, practically non-stop looking for ways to reward him, her man, sexually and emotionally.

And to the woman, also this is practically effortless, because she is simply flowing with her feminine nature, for when a woman is sexually attracted to a man, this is NO SMALL THING! It is very powerful, and very incredible. 

Just like a river will not flow upstream, and even if it did would require much effort contrary to nature, instead the dominant man and dominated woman are like the river flowing downstream, it is natural, beautiful, and is not sucking energy.

Instead, to the good man and woman in a relationship that is honoring this structure of sexual attraction, it is a SOURCE of energy to allow them together, as a loving couple, to take on the world!


----------

