# Where do I stand in her priority list



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

So, tonight it hit me.

This is MY priority list and how I take care of things

* My children
* My wife
* Myself
* House chores 

This is HER priority list:

* House chores
* Children
* Self
* Me.

Most days, since she has so much to take care of before even my name is coming up, she simply does NOTHING for me.

Not trying to make me feel good. Not thinking how I feel. Not making me dinners that I like.

While I work and have to spend a great deal of energy for working, I still have some left at the end, so I am left with giving my children a lot of attention, and trying to give her also some, but get almost nothing in return.

Where do you stand in your spouse priority list?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

joshbjoshb said:


> So, tonight it hit me.
> 
> This is MY priority list and how I take care of things
> 
> ...


Where do you stand in YOUR priority list?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Where do you stand in YOUR priority list?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




As I wrote, I put myself third after children and wife. Not because I am not deserving, but because their welfare is very important to me and my needs aren't as much. 

I'd expect her to put me third as well. That would be quite fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Have you ever thought that perhaps she is putting you first? After all... she does chores first so there is a clean house when you get home. Children so their needs are tended to and they aren't acting like wild monkeys when you get home. Less stress on you that way then herself to possibly pretty herself up for you only she is so busy trying to please you with the other three that she is tired as hell and she does make you dinner right? You said she serves dinner but not what you like... have you ever considered telling her beforehand what your in the mood for that way she can prepare it for when your home? Women aren't mind readers ya know...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I think a lot of men feel this way, especially when you have children. Men just don't understand how much work is involved in taking care of the house, kids, shopping, and all else involved in a SAHM's life. 

It is exhausting. And yes, sometimes adding husbands needs to the list can sometimes feel like one more chore that needs to be done.

Do you go on date nights?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> Most days, since she has so much to take care of before even my name is coming up, she simply does NOTHING for me.


Just so that I understand, could you please list some of the things that you want her to do for you?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

It seems strange to me that neither of you has "earning a living" anywhere on your list. I no longer have that as my number 1 (it was in the past and it did cause problems) but surely providing a stable income for the family must be up there somewhere.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Have you spoken with your wife about this? I think a lot of people leave too much unsaid these days in relationships. all I can say is she is probably tired after the day and would probably like to make you more a priority but doesn't have the energy try doing some of the house chores or making them easier for her and tell her you want some attention. if that doesn't work then there is other problems


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Spouses should put each other above their children. If mom and dad are good, the kids will be good as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have no idea what's in someone else's mind and it's a little dangerous to assume that you do. Why do you feel you are her last priority? What do you want from her that you aren't getting? You might think that a good husband works hard to provide for his family. She might think a good husband shows love for his wife and kids in other ways. You might think a "good" wife shows love for her husband by cooking his favorite meal. She might think cleaning the house is what a good wife does to show love for her man. You both might be saying the same things but in different languages. My wife thinks she shows love for me by soaking my T shirts and making them smell great. I really didn't appreciate her effort until I realized that's what it meant to her. Now, whenever I smell my T freshly laundered T shirts, it's like getting an "I love you" note and I make sure I thank her for doing it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

In our past, I did seem to put our children before my husband... even our house projects to some extent.. I was antsy to get caught up on any work that needed done - that only he could help me with (I always did my own share so he wasn't bothered with that -as a SAHM with a few side jobs)... I had lots of "honey to do" lists... but the last 4 yrs.. we've put each other *#1*...

I would say *his JOB* comes before anything...in reality...as this is what upholds us all.. My husband is the type of worker that NEVER misses a day... never late...have to be on his death bed or a family emergency... Every planned activity revolves around his work schedule... Even when I had my C-sections, I'd have him be there for the birth, so he knew we were fine...then shoo him out the door to get back to work... didn't want him missing any hours... he can visit us later... 










I saw this quote, so I thought I'd use it, not sure what the "bigger Yes" means exactly... but I am all for keeping Mom & Dad on the top of that Priority list - so harmony flows in the marriage trickles down the line....children need to see happy parents, this creates a stable environment... our children coming 2nd...(they have friends, their own activities to keep them busy as well)... 

Within all of this is ... maintaining all of our duties as individuals (upkeep of the house, cooking, cleaning, his working a full time job)....each carrying our own weight...and working as a team. Maintaining our Health is also a huge priority.... 



> *unbelievable said*: You have no idea what's in someone else's mind and it's a little dangerous to *assume* that you do. Why do you feel you are her last priority? What do you want from her that you aren't getting?
> 
> You might think that a good husband works hard to provide for his family. She might think a good husband shows love for his wife and kids in other ways. You might think a "good" wife shows love for her husband by cooking his favorite meal. She might think cleaning the house is what a good wife does to show love for her man. *You both might be saying the same things but in different languages*. My wife thinks she shows love for me by soaking my T shirts and making them smell great. I really didn't appreciate her effort until I realized that's what it meant to her. Now, whenever I smell my T freshly laundered T shirts, it's like getting an "I love you" note and I make sure I thank her for doing it.


 Good post...

Yes, assuming is not the best way to go... people have different Love Languages..... so until you understand what SPELLS LOVE to each individual... you may be missing it...we are wired differently...

If you are married to an "*Acts of Service*" spouse, she may feel her doing little things (like soaking those T's to smelling like roses) & doing helpful things around the house to please you -this is primarily her way of speaking LOVE to her husband...but what if he is a *Physical Toucher *... he won't feel as loved by her, because his primarily language is shown with much affectionate touching....so they miss each other...but it's not intentional....

Some may have "*Words of affirmation*" at the top of their languages where the other just doesn't speak much compliments as they feel what THEY DO is enough ... so they wouldn't feel AS LOVED either..missing it again. 
. 
So to talk about it ... and understand what floats each others boats in those "lovin' feelings" ...very helpful indeed.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

joshbjoshb said:


> So, tonight it hit me.
> 
> This is MY priority list and how I take care of things
> 
> ...


This sounds like something more frequent sex could solve. As far as dinners... ask for what you want! You could even stop and pick up the ingredients at the store on your way home and see if she'd be into cooking your favorite dinner WITH you. Sex starts in the kitchen


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

JustHer said:


> It is exhausting. And yes, sometimes adding husbands needs to the list can sometimes feel like one more chore that needs to be done.


If being a SAHM is so exhausting that you have to stop meeting your husband's needs, you're doing it wrong.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a guy is getting laid and fed on a regular basis, his wife could set him on fire and he probably wouldn't mind or notice. All these women reading books to try to unravel the mysteries of men? Save your money and time. "Belly full, testicles empty."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married for 22 years and putting my husband's needs before mine never did quite pay off like I thought it would. All it did was make me resentful.

I had better luck shifting him to the same position on my list as he had me on his. Last.

Now I'm at the top of his list but it took neglecting him first before he woke up and got it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

In my marriage we put each other first. I didn't ask for it, he didn't ask for it, it just feels natural. We raised the kids in this environment and they didn't feel neglected because of it. Take care of each other and the rest will fall into place IMO.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I've been married for 22 years and putting my husband's needs before mine never did quite pay off like I thought it would. All it did was make me resentful.
> 
> I had better luck shifting him to the same position on my list as he had me on his. Last.
> 
> Now I'm at the top of his list but it took neglecting him first before he woke up and got it.


Amazing. Not rewarding bad behavior helps to end bad behavior. Works on my dog, worked on my kids, works on the job, and it works with the wife.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If a guy is getting laid and fed on a regular basis, his wife could set him on fire and he probably wouldn't mind or notice. All these women reading books to try to unravel the mysteries of men? Save your money and time. "Belly full, testicles empty."


LOL Epic and so true. If men came with instructional manuals the instructions could fit in a Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum wrapper. 

"To obtain maximum benefit from this man and get much more than you put in do the following:"


1. Feed him.
2. Have sex with him.
3. Respect him. 


If you do those three things consistantly ladies trust me your return on investment is 10 to 1. This only applies to good men. Losers need not apply.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If a guy is getting laid and fed on a regular basis, his wife could set him on fire and he probably wouldn't mind or notice. All these women reading books to try to unravel the mysteries of men? Save your money and time. "Belly full, testicles empty."


Apparently there are quiet a few men who do not work this way. Keep in mind that what works for you might not work for the next guy.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

At times it feels like wife puts chores above me. Sure I can understand how doing chores can be seen as caring for me. Sometimes , just sometimes just stuff the chores and let's have some fun together , the chores can always be done later.

By the way 'belly full testicals empty' sounds just fine to me lol! 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Spouse should come first, if spouse is not happy then the other areas will be affected. Both spouses should put the other first 

You two should put each other first and if there is true passion, intimacy and commitment and you both have the drive to always work on your marriage then you will be together forever. All long lasting "to the death madly in love" marriages have those components. 



You should tell her this and if she is unwilling to WORK and attempt to change things THEN you have a problem. Her behavior could ruin the marriage and like many women before her all that she has (which she wanted) can easily fall apart.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sanity said:


> LOL Epic and so true. If men came with instructional manuals the instructions could fit in a Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum wrapper.
> 
> "To obtain maximum benefit from this man and get much more than you put in do the following:"
> 
> ...


A man will take bullets and knives for a woman who does this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Apparently there are quiet a few men who do not work this way. Keep in mind that what works for you might not work for the next guy.


Absolutely. There are over 330 million people in America. No rule works on every one of them. There probably are a few straight guys who wouldn't be happy with a woman who cooks and curls his toes. Those guys could carpool in one Prius.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Absolutely. There are over 330 million people in America. No rule works on every one of them. There probably are a few straight guys who wouldn't be happy with a woman who cooks and curls his toes. Those guys could carpool in one Prius.


It's estimated 30% of men are LD. Before T shots my husband was LD.

The advice given here and in marriage books I read didn't apply to a LD man at least not mine.

He needed/wanted more than sex and food. 

Sex wasn't even in his top 5 needs.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It would be interesting to ask her to make her own version of his 'n her priority lists and compare them. I bet they'd be a little different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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