# Waking up-feel sick and anxious anyone??!!



## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Does anyone else hate that feeling when you wake up when you are in a bad situation, and it comes right back to you?

Your heart and stomach seem to turn over, then your heart races, sweating, prickly painful skin. 

Even worse when you had a dream that things were normal , or even worse good! 

I was in this situation 12 years ago and am right back there, had forgotten how horrible it is. Even happens when out having a nice day, a memory or a thought triggers it. Having to work so hard to relax is such hard work. Any one feel like this too?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Oh yes. Stress hormones on high alert all the time - not good for us physically. I have found certain relaxation activities help - yoga, long walks in the woods. Anything to put my attention "out" instead of "in" for a while is helpful.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Yes, I have that happen to me from time to time also.
Every morning I would wake up with butterflies in my stomach and my heart feeling like it could pound right out of my chest.

However, I've struggled with anxiety my whole adult life so I finally went to the dr and was put on anxiety medication. I'm not suggesting that people need meds in order to cope but in my case the anxiety was so intense it was paralyzing. I feel so much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I am taking anti depressants. I have in the past, but the gp would not perscribe what I like to take, I may go back. They were attributed to a number of suicides, but I am not thinking of harming myself in any way. They were very good for OCD, but helped me from obsessing about the things that worried me and could not change. Let me focus on the things I can do for the better.

I am thinking of doing yoga, with my daugher. Trouble is with little money, can't really afford it at the moment. Am also doing an anxiety course through my gp, but not finding it that helpful, but will keep with it.

Just hate the way how I feel physically changes so quickly.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Reindeer,

I would recommend yoga. Even if you only can afford 1 session. I went along with no knowledge or expectations whatsover and came away feeling absolutely stunned. All my anxiety that had built up over the last 6 months just seemed to lift. 
I was on a high for about 2 weeks after, can't explain why.

Unfortunately some unpleasant recent events have not been so easily shifted.

I've tried the long country walks but they seem to have the opposite effect. They make me very introspective and serve only to compound my feelings of distress.

Keep looking and find what works for you.

Good luck

Gammy


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yes, I have these anxiety attacks and feelings of depression slip in. I have a large circle of family and friends and they help, but the sadness will slip in without warning. I just want a day where the foolishness will not consume me. My affects of this ordeal is mostly crying, I will be out having a good time and have a flash or memory and start to cry. I am so sick of crying and want to know how much water the body can hold ;o) I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Gammyleg, thanks is there a particular type of yoga which will be better?
Hesnotherapy, I harldy ever cry. I feel like it losts at a time when I can't yet when I have the opportunity it won't come out.
I find this forum really helpful. I go to bed and turn it on, and if I wake up in the night. It distracts me and makes me feel not so alone, when husband sleeping in other room.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Low impact yoga, e.g. Kundalini is preferable. Ashtanga and Bikram I think are fads. 

Personally, I recommend tai chi chuan yang (long form) or tai chi chuan sun


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Thanks Runs Like Dog I will look these up and see if there are affordable classes in my area.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Reindeer

For some reason the link to my yoga teacher's web page is not working, however his blog site thingy seems to be ok. His website is listed at the top of the page.
I'm not sure what style he teaches, but if you email him I'm sure he'd let you know. I think it might be Ashtanga but can't be sure.

Yogajon.com: Top 5 Tips Spring Clean Your Yoga Practice:

ps. I'm the only bloke in the class, but I don't care.

Good luck, I know where your at. Living it every day and it s*cks

Gammy


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I wake up feeling sick most days too. I keep thinking I'll wake up from the nightmare but I don't. Wounds become re-opened frequently because of information I hear from others about things that my H did or is doing. 

Most of the time I feel like I'm going to make it but I think that's because he hasn't moved out yet so the loss is really only felt at night when he goes to bed in a different room. 

I have to believe him when he says it's over. Some times I have a clarity of thought to know he's telling the truth but I cannot help but hold out hope...and I know that's dangerous.

I get my inspiration to continue from reading how everyone else is doing or how they've handled the same situations. I am so grateful you're all here helping each other out.


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

Yes. Felt that for 3 weeks, had to take sleeping pills regularly. Kept having sweet dreams of us together again or of him leaving me again and again, and waking up heartbroken. Then not being able to breathe properly all day, racing heart, headache.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My counselor tells me to sit with my pain, hold is gently and name it, then let it go to the earth. It gets me through moments, but not the day. I just let myself spend the weekend with H, who moved to an apt. a week ago, but we have put off telling people due to wanting to tell our kids first. We waited for my youngest to finish school for the semester. He was supposed to come home tonite, but decided to stay out, so H went back to his apt after 2 nights here. We don't fight, had a nice time out with friends last night, ate dinner we cooked together 2 nights in a row, but he says he has to go, because it is what we agreed to do. I said, so what, we have changed our minds a lot of times, but he left anyway. I know I am setting myself up for a big fall, but I cant pass up a chance to be with him. Ahh, it is called sad and lonely and it is the only way I remember how to be.


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## BluePink (Apr 2, 2011)

I feel so badly for you sadand...and for all of us living through this hell. H continues to tell me I am much loved by friends and family but it's not the same as being loved by him...it just isn't.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

I wake up with that sick feeling every day, going on 7 weeks in separation/limbo land. I still can't sleep almost at all without pharmaceutical help of some sort. I can't turn off the thoughts and the sadness. Nights and weekends are the worst for me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Gammyleg, thanks for that link!

Not Recognizable that is funny, you will pop into my head now when I wake up-maybe that little smile will defuse my anxious feelings and get me deep breathing to relax 

Sadand-I know what you are saying. We are still together until he gets finances sorted. 

Some moments he is 'normal' . We took the dog out, he helped me do a bit of promotion for my franchise, brought me a glass of port whilst he was cooking and I was cleaning, did us a lovely roast chicken dinner. Then becomes very quiet. We go to separate rooms, and this morning he brings me a cup of tea, when he comes in to get his work clothes.

His quiet spells I think are due to this limbo place. I want him to give us a chance like you. I don't think he will, he took months to come to this decision and is not likely to change his mind in days or weeks. But I am trying to work on being cheerful. Several threads on here have helped me. 

I am guilty of being a bit controlling in the past. I am trying not to tell him what I think he is doing wrong, or that he needs to give us a chance. If I carry on being the person I want to be, then he might wake up and see what he is loosing, and if he does not-then do I want him anyway. I don't want to be something I 'talked him back into'-I would never feel secure.

This thread gives me a lot of comfort


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

H went back to apt last night since the kids weren't coming home, this morning I found an elephant on my chest, the pain is so bad it is hard to take a deep breath. But I gave it to the earth to carry for me and I am up, getting in the shower, going to work. I have no choice and that makes it even harder. My H is a good man, loves his family and kids, works hard and is so sad, and I can't help him. I try


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

I am sure it will get better for us all sadand, going through the motions of daily life, stops us coming to a grinding halt and sinking into self pity.

You are brave, hope you find one good thig in today!


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

This is how I feel every day. I've been separated "in-house" the past 8 months and each time I feel there's progress, we take a step back. Now the wife is trying to take me to the cleaners.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I thought that it might be better and pushed to get him out, but now it is soooo lonely and sad, I can't stand it


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

I occasionally wake up in a panic, with my heart pounding a mile an hour. I have this nightmare that my wife left me, but as I come to my senses, I realize that it is a reality. Its a sickening feeling, and every day I wish there was some sort of miracle remedy to get PURGE this feeling out of me. Some days I am just tired... no other way to explain it, but just tired... 

I agree with the previous posts, yoga does help. I would recommend a hatha yoga class. When i first sat in the class, the first thing she said was, "I will teach you how to control your breathing, if you can control your breathing, then you can control your life". I was hooked from there (granted some yoga poses are challenging)


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I love yoga.. I am also on anti anxiety medication as well.

But yoga eases a lot of my anxiety symptoms so less meds are needed. I recently joined and find the classes really help me destress. My yoga instructor also suggested I take some time once a day to meditate alone in a quite comfortable room in my house. Meditation can help you relax as well.

If your anxiety gets worse see someone about it. And try yoga and meditation. You may be surprised how much better you feel after a session! 

Best of luck!


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Yoga generally seems to be getting a thumbs up. Have considered mediatation, but hard to find a quiet space in my house sometimes.

Husaband very on edge last night, took dog out, then went for a walk. Spent time talking to our daughter in her room before she went to sleep. I asked if he was ok? Taking loads of headache meds at the moment. Looked really troubled last night. He said it wasnt because we were frorced to be here together at moment. I said I still worried about him despite our situation.

Anyhow it made me feel slightly better at his expense. does that make me a horrible person?

Had a better day today, anx' lasted for seconds really, as I was thinking driving between jobs at work. I am waiting for a bok to arrive, and want to talk to him again if it is useful. get anxious every time I think I might be setting myself up for further disappointment, but need to give it a shot.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

My wife is moving out the rest of her things this weekend, and I cannot sleep... I wake up in the morning dreading this day to come. I want to reach out to her, but I can't. She will not hear anything. She has this separation dead set in her mind, and there is nothing I or anyone else that I can do. I play it back a thousand times in my mind, what could I have done differently? Sure I could have spent more time with her, worked less... but no matter how much I think I may have done her wrong, I come to the conclusion, that I did nothing...

I was there when she needed me, I was there at her lowest points. I was always there to support her. 

Was I the best husband in the world, probably not. But for damn sure, I know that I was the best that I could be. 

I wish I can sleep again, I wish I can stop having these live nightmares that my wife is leaving me. I want this to all go away...

Sometimes I wish I could be Jim Carey in that movie "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind", and just have memories of my wife wiped out...

I just want to move on with my life, I want this sickening feeling to be purged out of my system.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

can't wipe them out if you have kids. Gonna have to figure a way to see him around holidays, birthdays, etc. Today in IC I realized I need to let him go. He has been hanging around trying to make this easier for me but I can see the truth is he wants to go. Better for me in the long run everyone tells me. How can that be after 29 years together? How can it ever be better?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Momof2inMT said:


> I wake up with that sick feeling every day, going on 7 weeks in separation/limbo land. I still can't sleep almost at all without pharmaceutical help of some sort. I can't turn off the thoughts and the sadness. Nights and weekends are the worst for me.


Yip. Just wanna puke feeling. Sleep meds to help also. But then again, it's new to me righ now, the D word from the Wife. I am actually with nausia as I type this.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

I'm back going through these agonies again now. For 2 weeks about a month ago I thought I'd cracked it, I thought I had finally learned to detatch. I actually felt good for the first time since January. What changed?..... I went home and saw my Wife.

It doesn't take much and I wish it would all just go away. I am going to register at the doctors tomorrow and finally start getting some meds for this. I've tried just about everything else.

Gammy

ps It is Hatha yoga that I do. Some weeks it helps, other weeks it doesn't, but I'm sticking with it along with everything else I do to try to ease the pain. One day it WILL go!!!


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

She is moving out the rest of her things tomorrow, and the anticipation is simply killing me.

I am looking forward to it, because I can now slowly rebuild my life.
I am scared, because this separation is becoming a harsher reality by the minute.

I have decided to visit my folks, I have not told them the past 2 months of what has been going on, and I think it is time. I realized that I was not telling my parents for the wrong reasons. 

1) I am the first of my family to get married and have a successful career, to tell my parents that my marriage has failed is a great embarassment to me... I feel not only that I fail myself, but also that I have failed them.

2) My parents will hate her once they find out, like any normal parental reaction, they will hate her... 

I realized this week, that I have been holding this from my parents for the wrong reasons. 1) I did not do this, and this was not my decision, although a relationship takes 2 to tango, and I understand the role i took. Ultimately, she made the decision to get up and leave 2) I am truly not protecting myself, but protecting her.... with my dreams and hopes of us reconciling, I was not telling my parents, because i know once i tell my parents, whether we reconcile or not, they will never look or treat her the same.

I know this is the right decision, but damn is it ever hard. 

Hopefully, once she has moved her things out, I will slowly rebuild my home, thereby slowly rebuild my life... I have been living out of a suitcase for the past 2 months. I am tired... I am tired. 

I am going to post a quote have been trying to live by again, I posted this quote in another thread. This quote has been a source of inspiration to me as I go through these hard times, and hopefully this quote will help others as well. I wish you all a good day. 

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
- Vivian Greene


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Anthony i hope tomorrow goes as smoothly as it can, and glad to see you are able to look forward. This has happened to me before and it can be a relief, as you know what to expect when you are in your home.

I have not told my parents we are separating as they are both old and ill. they think husband is depressed which he is I think and I am letting them continue to think that. Husband still wants to be involved in their care. I find it difficult visiting them though as I feel deceitful, and he does not like accepting gifts from them.

I have told my son (not his-but has been like a dad for 16 yrs), over the phone as he is in Australia. I hope it will sort out, but am facing the fact that it won't so am telling people so I don't build false hope. Maybe now you will sleep easier and not wake up with the sick feeling. Here is hoping. Take care.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Anthony, your story is mine, except it my H who is leaving. I, too am embarrassed that I couldn't get this right, even though I know I am willing to try anything to at least give our marriage a chance. We spent some of the weekend together for Mother's day, and because we have still not told the kids or anyone, although I, like you, am getting anxious to get that part over with, just because I think it is going to be excruciating. Today I actually had some vision changes with my anxiety, we were together to visit his Mom, I love his family and they love me. Feel like such a FAKE


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

It is done. I spoke to my parents over the weekend, and she has finished moving her things out...

My parents were surprisingly supportive, and sad of course. For they love my wife very much... 

I came home on Sunday, to an empty apartment. Most of the furniture belonged to her...

Me... right now, as much as I said I was looking forward to rebuild, I actually regret those words. For I am now living in an empty apartment, that matches now my empty heart.

I have been up since 5am questioning myself... How did it get so bad? how did it ever come to this? after 7 years, how can she just so easily get up and walk out of my life? We have been through so much together, and now its all gone. 

I miss her so much, I just feel sick. Memories of her are simply poison rotting me from the inside out. 

Everyone tells, "things will get better, you ill heal, it will take time". But my impatience wants things to get better faster... because I am tired of waking up to this sick feeling. It is just so hard.... its so hard. 

My friends, and family tell me that she has changed, and that she is no longer the woman I married... but in a spurt of anger I find myself yelling... HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW? WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? WHY? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I have never understood this poem... maybe in time I will, I yearn for the day that I wake up, and do not feel sick and no longer look to understand what happened anymore...


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

*Anthony* I know how you feel and will be going through this again very shortly. I had the last discussion in an attempt to salvage things but husband adamant that things won't improve while he is still her. Can't remember if I said that we separted for two years, 12 years ago. We did get on better, but were happy in our own space too, so it took that long to get back. Think this time it will not happen.

I was so upset again last night, after not really crying for the last two weeks. I went to my bedroom at 7 and stayed there all night, cried for ages. Woke up feeling really sick with that burning prickly skin feeling. I realise now my own part in all of this,but it is too late. Idiot husband not able to tell me, just waits till it all overflows and is too late! Just feel I have not had a chance to put it right. 

Last time anthony I bought a few odd bits and pieces fairly cheaply, and did some redecorating to change things more to my own taste. Each evening I planned a little treat-something small such as a magazine, a serial on tv, something nice to eat ordrink,but something home based, so I found I could be content in my own space. If you like reading this is really good as it is difficult to think of two things at the same time. It isn't an easy road, and the time is what helps you to heal.

what do I sound like-Last time!!!!!?

*sadand*at the end of last week I was really light headed, and had to visit gp as had pressure behind eyes, and she did say it was anxiety as BP was fine. Recommended I try asprin for it. What is it doing to our immune system with all these stress hormones racing around our body. Probably get ill after we start to feel emotionally better.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

AnthonyC said:


> I am scared, because this separation is becoming a harsher reality by the minute.
> 
> I have decided to visit my folks, I have not told them the past 2 months of what has been going on, and I think it is time. I realized that I was not telling my parents for the wrong reasons.
> 
> ...


AnthonyC --> Ditto - to a tee. And I don't want to make you feel worse but I did tell my parents and sister and your concerns are exactly what happened to me, so now, I am as you say, in a more difficult place if we even had a consideration to reconcile. This is as slippery a slope as I thought it would be but right now I am just living day to day going through the motions.

I also am constantly thinking, how did this happen to me, how did this happen to us? What did we fight and struggle for all these years for? I am taking this one day at a time but it is so hard to just get up in the morning and wonder where the day is going to take me. I'm sick, just sick.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

To add to the symptoms, I now have bronchitis, right where my heart is breaking. I have never had a chest infection in my life, even my body is betraying me now. I need to get over this and get my self in shape. Too tired right now


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## ILLlogical (May 8, 2011)

Even as someone who "felt" this was not for me and initiated separation, I too am not sleeping, hardly eating and just "going through the motions." 

I believe that if the roles were reversed and she said "lets separate" (we both have been guilty of saying it in passion/emotion) and she did walk away. If she came back saying after meeting with therapists to "try different things"; I would be for it. I think that if you genuinely love your partner and when the emotions come down, then it is an easy gift to forgive, reconcile and move forward. 

Therefore if my wife doesn't want to then I know I made the right choice. If for others on the forum it was their partner that made the decision and are staying true without waivering; then it also is the right choice. 

However being the initiator I feel like crap and I am sure the other initiators are as well. 

I can't wait to be able to sleep, eat and feel somewhat "hopeful." The denial, anger, acceptance, and all those "stages" swirling around not mutually exclusive cause me to feel sick and confused. However I AM surviving and I am trying to move forward with my head high. 

Ya I messed up. Everyone does. But my character and my genuine love SHOULD be seen by her at some point in this process. If not, then I have to find a way to be thankful it was NOW and not when we had way more assets, kids and a lot of other complicating factors. 

With that, I am going to try to take my medication, passively watch some TV and get ready for another night's "sleep." Sweet dreams to all those "Living" with this right now. One day and one night at a time....
peace.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. I medicate each night so I can sleep. Thanks Doc! When will this nightmare be over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Fortunately for me, I can sleep at night. The problem is I wake up in the middle of the night... lonely. I cannot turn around and kiss my wife on the cheek, or stroke her hair, or hug up next to her. I miss her so much... I wake up in the morning with an empty heart, and like bill murray in ground hogs day, get dressed... head to the office, and work... deal with the same issues day in and day out... go home, head to the gym... come home, eat dinner and sleep.

Without my wife, my life lacks color... everything is feels black and white... I cannot wait until the day where I wake up regain the color in my life. I am in a funk, and I do not want to be in this state anymore... I want to be happy.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow, that's a good way to put it, "lacks color." Well, I've got a long road ahead since I am just starting out. I am not the type that likes to be alone either. I don't think single life will be good for me but for now, I have to trudge through it. What in the world was my W thinking! World turned upside down and now for the first time in my adult life, I am heading for unfamiliar territory. I could have lost her last year but in a different way, had she lost her battle with cancer. Like I said before, I have been grieving now almost two years in a row and I thought this was going to be a year of celebration. She just dropped a bomb on me. I am in a constant fog, stunned, I don't know what you call it. Like you said, in a funk! So many different emotions all wrapped up into one, the worst I think is the anxiety, followed by sadness, bewildered, confused, then anger; but I will get through it.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

This has nothing to do with my separation, but I feel i need to voice my anger. I just came out of a bar with my friends, and one of my friends had alot to drink. I fought with him to the point that he almost wanted to get into a fist fight with me, because i did not want him to drive... himself or anyone else for that matter. I was only to scorned at by my friends to be an uptight freak. 

I am think i need to really re prioritize my friends, because this type of knuckle head move is just absolutely retarded in my books. I personally wanted him slam down over 15 shots, and forgive me if i am over cautious, but i think 15 shots can affect anyone. 

Every since my wife left me, I have been rethinking everything about my life.... from my goals, to the friends that i keep. I am tired, i feel like i am hanging around a group of 18 year olds. 

I am rethinking the decisions that I have made in my life, and whether or not it makes any sense. Am I the uptight jerk? or do i have just cause to be concerned... especially since my sister in law, who i love dearly is in the car as well. 

I feel embarrassed, and humiliated for giving a damn about the safety of my loved ones.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Thank God for uptight jerks...I could have met them on the highway ;o( You were being responsible and that is never bad.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

please don't ever change yourself if you are already a nice guy! We should all care about what goes on around us


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Stay the course. You did the right thing, not only for your friends but for anyone else on the road
Stay on course, you are changing into a better person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Thanks guys. That particular friend has still not spoken to me since the saturday drunk driving night, and quite frankly I do not know if I want to be friends with someone who is that wreckless.

Do you guys ever get that good feeling that things are starting to shape up and make sense, but to dragged down again by thoughts of the past. 

I can see that everyday goes by, and it hurts less when I think of my wife. But the side effect is, I am going numb. Do not get me wrong, I am far from suicidal or anything. But as I mentioned before, life now is just so colorless now, monotonous. Day in and day out I drag my feet along, taking things day by day. 

it has been exactly 2 months and 6 days my wife left me, and my goodness does it ever feel like eternity. I really sometimes feel like just getting up and leaving the city, leaving this life behind... but I often take a step back take a breather and say... no, this is my home. 

Like clockwork I get up at the crack of dawn, which is about 5am est... I do not remember the last time I slept in. The only reason I can sleep is because I go to the gym so frequently, that my body simply crashes at night.... but at first sunrise, I am up... and every morning I turn over, and ask myself... where is my wife. What do I need to do today to move forward, how do I get myself out of this rut, is there any chance I can get my wife back, do I want my wife back. Why is life so bland. It is as if I am waiting for something miraculous to happen, and I know it will not happen. I am somewhat of a dreamer, and I have always hated myself for that. I feel it often sets me up for failure, for disappointment... What do I need to do to bring color to my life again... I started seeing a counseler, but I dont think it really helps... all she really does is point out the negative things about my wife, and keeps on repeating that she is no longer the woman I married... maybe it is my denial that prevents me from believing this. I dont know... sorry guys, seems like I am rambling on here....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Find someone to date. That would be my take on it. I don't know if you are like me, but I think some female companionship might be something that would steer me away from all this craziness for a while. I know it may not be what you want but it would certainly make me feel better and it would be good for your self esteem. I know mine is in the gutter right now. I don't mean anything physical, just some nice conversation would at least make me feel like I am not completely unable to have a woman interested in me since my W dumped me like I was worthless.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Yeh... I must admit. My self esteem is in the gutter right now. The ****ty thing is all the girls i know in the city are pretty much related to my wife. (She has a large family).

I was at a function this weekend, and there were plenty of single gorgeous women with my friends... and I was just simply too shy/embarrassed to talk to any of them. 

I feel like I have a big loser sign on the top of my head, followed with a sign around my neck that says "damaged goods" or "caution handle with care, fragile" or "caution heavy baggage"

Also, the last thing I want to do is meet a new girl, and do nothing but talk to her about my problems... Thank God, this forum exists... I really wouldn't know where I would be venting right now!!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah AnthonyC, I did not mean to imply the conversation would be a sob story about your (our) demise. Quite the contrary, I was thinking more along the lines of listening to her story and maybe set up some kind of a fun date after your first date (ask her out for coffee), like bowling, pool, golf, movies, biking, kayaking, backpacking/hiking, anything outdoors, or you can pottery paint, play marbles, tiddlywinks, LMAO!!! dude whatever floats your boat but talking about the misery - she won't want to hear that and will run the other way. Now if she asks some pointed questions then you just answer her honestly and then say you really don't want to talk about that right now - just don't want to bore you. I guess it may be a little tougher for you if you are in a small town, I am in a big city so maybe my odds are a little better than yours to just find someone to talk to. And I don't mean to carelessly talk to anyone out there (you don't want to run into Lizzie Borden) but just get out there. I would feel like you, that I would have a huge loser sign on my forhead but you know what, saying hello in a friendly way and acting confident never killed anyone. If you get rejected, well, so what, it pales in comparison to the rejection we just got from our ex's. So no worries. You do remember how to turn on the charm right? Cause I sure as h**ll don't. :rofl:


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

I think it is guilt... Although she has left me, I actually feel guilty to date which is why I have not. Its stupid I know, but unfortunately in my books we are separated, not divorced. I made a commitment and although she made not be honoring it. I am going to do what is right. My minister told me... You do not need to fight fire with fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Aw man, why are so much like me. LOL! Really though, I don't think I see it as fire with fire. If she's gone, she's gone. Why should you have to sit around moping because you hold some piece of paper that says you are married. I've posted before, to me marriage is about the love and commitment you vowed in front of God and she cut that cord not you. I don't see why you should suffer more, although I do see and respect your position on it. It may take a little while longer.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

hahah. Look at where we are now eh!!! No I understand your position as well. I guess what I am saying is, if I do miraculously meet someone during this separation, i definetly will be taking baby steps. Because I am definetly not ready for any sort of relationship right now. 

Step 1 in project rehabilitation is get back on my feet. 

She moved out her things about 2 weeks ago, landlord is doing some reno's. So by the weekend, i can move my stuff back in. 
and start building a man cave of my entire apartment.

Step 2 is figure out what i want to do with my life. Work is not what i quite expected it to be. I changed companies last year, and i fear that i may be regretting my decision. My previous company was not much better, so i think its time for me to move on. So once i am settled in my refreshed home, i will update my resume and put it back in the market and see what i can get. 

Thats as far as ive gotten so far hahhaha. baby steps right. so i guess step 3 is to start working towards the direction i decided in step 2. 

(why is my blog starting to sound like a NKOTB song now... oh boy)... anywho, until ive completed steps 1-3, i dont think i will be ready for any sort of relationship. at least definitely nothing major. 

The funny thing is an old friend which i used to have thing for, has been in contact with me pretty often, since this all happened, and we were really never that close. Too bad she lives a hours away. but anyways, that was a bit of self esteem booster. 

Brighterlight, people like us are a rarity, and the older I get, the more I see it. Some people take it as a weakness, but in the end, it defines who we are, and why people respect us. 

My minister did not use "put out fire on fire"exactly in those words, his exact words were... you do not need to behave as she is behaving right now... do not let your anger/sadness/fear cloud your judgement, just do what you feel is right... those were his exact words, and I myself misinterpreted it.

There really has be more people in the world like him, when in doubt... I talk to him, and although he does not really tell you what you need to do, just in speaking to him... somehow things make sense.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yes, definitely. I agree with the take the slow approach. Dude, I did not mean to say to run into another long term relationship right now, heck, I need to find myself again before I can be a better person in a long term relationship next time if it ever happens. What I meant was just take it slow but female companionship would be nice for the self esteem boost. And like you said, if your like me, you get to really like people quickly so it could be a problem with a female friend but if you take it slow, it would definitely a be moving on sort of thing. Dating for the sake of going out and enjoying time with someone. I am quite a bit behing you; my stbxw and me are still living in our house. We are doing the fixes to put it on the market and we have to do it before the end of the month. Summer is the time to sell because of folks needing to be moved in before school starts. I really hate to sell this house, it's fairly big and my mortgage is less than an apartment nowadays and the house is in great shape. It really hurts. She asked about either me or her buying each other out but realistically, we have debt that we need to pay if we are going to be able to make it on our separate salaries so we need to sell the house to use equity to pay off debt; it is just sad. We raised three great kids in this house and I don't know how I am going to handle taking down all the photos but I will work through it.

I think we were both devoted people to our spouses which I think makes us a bit week in our ability to be on our own. I really miss the company of my W and I will feel strange after so long to just want to date, but I am going to do it just to say that I can date without co-dependency - at least for a while. LOL! Like you said though, small steps.

My steps are:

Step 1 - get the house ready for sale
- Work Out
Step 2 - Pay off debt by eliminating assets
- Work Out
Step 3 - Separate our finances
- Work Out
- Date
Step 4 - Find a place to live (Apartment for now, maybe Condo later)
- Work Out
- Date
- Golf/Baseball
Step 5 - Get in touch with who I am 
- Work Out
- Date
- Golf/Baseball
- Pilot Certification School (my dream finally)

How's that for planning. I think I am falling back in the same routine except for the dating part. LMAO!

Boy, I am way behind you - way, way behind. :scratchhead:


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

so step 1 is done. I finally moved back into my apt. It looks great but is very empty. I had alot of trouble sleeping last night. The empty apt brought me back so many memories. But the difference is that I have grown knumb to the thought of my wife... Step 2 now find a new job...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, Congrats! good for you on your step 1. I am still working on my step one. Man, you can be a pioneer for me; by the time I get to where you are right now, you will have been past this and be saying about me, "dude, sucks to be you!" LMAO! OK, just a chuckle there. If by empty you mean, you are alone, then I don't know how I will take that. Might be invinting my kids and their spouses over a lot. Or, maybe I will be down at the local pub - dunno yet but at some point, I know I will be sitting at the table eating by myself; I will try to prolong that as much as possible! I don't even want to think about that right now.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

It is definetly an adjustment. I am taking things one day at a time. So far so good. I almost ran into my wife today, I saw her at a distance and immediately diverted my route to avoid her... Pathetic I know. I am not ready to see her yet. Maybe one day, I do not know... Still waiting to see the bright light at the end of that tunnel, right now sitting in my empty room is freaking depressing. I came 1 step from quitting my job today, I came to the realisation that I hate my job. But did not end up doing it because I realised everyone in my co hates their job as well. Nethertheless I am updating my resume to see what I can get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I would run full sprint in the other direction if I saw my soon to be ex walking down the street.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

staircase said:


> I would run full sprint in the other direction if I saw my soon to be ex walking down the street.


Hahah. I was going to but I probably would have ended up running into people and create a scene. (Cliche movie moment).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hevonne (May 25, 2011)

I have that almost every morning. Everything seems so surreal. Youre right-the worst part are the dreams where everything seems OK, even great-and then you open your eyes and realize it's so bad.


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Reindeeer-
I know exactly how you feel and it's not as controllable as we would like it to be. It was really bad at first, waking up in the morning and realizing what was going on in my life and I would just dread living out the day. I think mostly it was not knowing what was going to happen and that I would be doing it alone without my husband. That made me both scared and sad at the same time. Scared that I didn't know where I was going to go, what I was going to do and sad because whatever I decided to do, it would be without him. I found what really helped was really accepting the situation for what it was, my husband and I are getting divorced. As the days passed, I woke up telling myself that every morning and it gets a little easier with each day. It's not completely gone, it's still there, but the more I planned for myself the better I actually started to feel. Of course I still love my husband, but I'm not in love with him and we're much better off apart or at least not in any type of relationship together. So I've started planning everything for my near future and it's done so much for me. It's kept my mind occupied, given me something to work on everyday and most of all I'm really looking forward to my new life. For the first time in a long time I'm actually excited about something. We're still living together in our house, but sleeping in separate bedrooms as you are so that can still be hard for me. Some nights I'm up late and can't help but to think of where we really went wrong. It makes it even worse for me because when I start to feel like that, I feel even more alone knowing that he's here but it's not the same anymore. I don't feel like that when he's not around, but I do when he's here... I still cry because of it but fortunately not as much because I've accepted that we're getting divorced and that is what's best. I too take anti-depressants, but haven't once thought that taking any type of anti-anxiety medication would help. I've been there, done that. When you're feeling depressed and going through something like this, anti-anxiety meds are usually not good. You'll just wind up sleeping more often and relying on them to feel better. They're also highly addictive which I'm sure is not something you want to add to your problems right now. Maybe you're in the same boat I was and not willing to let go yet and that's why you're still feeling this so strongly everyday when you wake up. For me personally, it went on like that for a week. I could barely get any sleep and when I did it wasn't much and I would wake up hoping and praying it was all just a bad dream. So again, the sooner I accepted the situation for what it was and starting making plans for myself after our divorce, the easier it has been for me everyday. What made it easier for me to accept everything was asking myself why it wasn't going to work. I already knew that answer, my husband never put any real effort in the relationship or to grow individually. I knew I had done absolutely everything I could, but if he wasn't willing to do his part then I had to let go. I'm not sure if you and your husband are just separated at the moment or are going through a divorce and it's not my place to say hey you should do this or do that. I know it makes a difference if you and him are willing to work on things, but if one or the other isn't sometimes there's not much that can be done. I know for me it was hard to accept that my husband just expected to do whatever he wanted and not ever think of anyone else and he never put any effort into making our marriage work. He always told me, well if you do this then I wouldn't do that...instead of owning up to the mistakes that he made of his own free will. He wasn't willing to do the hard stuff to make our life together worth while, so why should I settle, why should any of us settle? I got so used to how things were with him that I just kept telling myself, we have to work it out, we're married. Well he obviously didn't see it the same way. I know that I deserve someone who will hold our relationship and/or marriage in the same high regard that I do. You deserve to be happy and your daughter deserves a happy childhood spent with you. I hope this helps you in some way, I know it's hard and I know what it's like to be alone during all of this too.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Stair and anthony, driving in the other direction is an option for me; we work for the same company in the same building. I have to learn how to just say hello whenever i see her. Weird as sh**t, saying hello and waving to someone you have 3 kids with and have been with for 36 yrs. Somebody shoot me and put me out of my misery! LOL. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Bella 09 thanks for your long post. I am sorry that you are in the same situation, and I can perfectly identify with that feeling of living separately in the same house and the surreal feeling of that.
Our situation has changed. Following what I considered inappropriate txts, I made him leave. We had begun to get along well under the circumstances and we both were heading for an ammicable separation. Planning to see each other-not dating, but remain companions for the time being. No plan to actively work on marriage, but see if time and space would sort things one way or the other.
First week after he went it was hell. So much unfinished business. I was a wreck.
Second week on had no contact since last Sunday. I need to sort some things but can’t bring myself to ring. Don’t want to txt due to the coldness of the exchange, compared to how we were I hate! It is easier to avoid.
I do feel better. Have been focusing on the fact that for now I still have the house. He is in a room in a house (very close by!?). He is working loads to finance this separation, to make it best for me. I don’t want to rock the boat, as he is being very good about this and making it as easy as possible.
Also we are not able to tell my very elderly parent, so he is continuing to help me look after them. If my mum knew she would loose her appetite, and that would kill her right now! My husnand and dad have a good relationship.
Anxiety set in this morning when I awoke and started obsessing about the txts. I have let it go this week, but for some reason it came back again. The dishonesty makes it difficult for me to be friendly or even civil to him right now. This is why I don’t want to contact him, as I don’t want to question, but nor can I appear happy, or even normal.
I like your thinking around your situation, and I have been trying to do this, and would have succeeded if not for the txts. My head tells me they are of no consequence as we were separating anyway, my heart is not quite in line though. You are doing well, and I hope it continues to be a clean and pleasant as is possible divorce.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Brighterlight I cannot imagine your situation. I find work is the place I can forget things and get on as in individual, and feel better. Could not cope with those remeinders in the work place!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer, I know what you mean about the parents. Mine seem to be taking this harder than me, and believe me I am taking pretty hard. I told my mother and father and I can see the depression look set into my fathers eyes. They are not helpful to me at all at this point because they are so bitter at her they told me they do not want to ever see her again. I know that is hurt talking right now but it makes things 20x harder for me to cope with this. She is still the mother of their grand children and they are very close to their grandchildren.

As for the work place, I can't do anything about it. We have both worked for this company for over 30 yrs. Different departments but we have too much invested in our jobs to leave. I am stuck and will just have to learn to see her as a friend and co-worker. I don't have a choice, neither does she. Lot's of prayers on my part for the Lord to show me how to handle humility. This will take a while.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

Guys. I signed up for this program last weekend called the landmark Education. A friend of mine in London, England referred the program to me. 

All I can say is I have never felt so relieved in my life... I am at peace with myself. To prove my point, I just met with my wife face to face and had a good discussion with her. She wants to get a divorce, but I a honestly ok with it... and she saw it in my eyes. 

In Canada it costs 660$, its an intensive 4 day program... followed by a 10 week seminar (once a week). 

All I can say is, I walked in there with a chip on my shoulder, and now nothing really bothers me anymore. 

Home — Landmark Education

I do not have shares with this company, this is not a cult, they do not brainwash you. But I promise you will see things differently, and hopefully you will achieve peace as I have. 

Thanks for all your support guys, but I think I can honestly get rid of this account right now.


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