# Feeling emotionally cheated.



## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

Hi All, hoping to receive peace of mind here.
I am 5 months pregnant after 6 years of marriage. Have faced 3 times miscarriages.
All this aside last month I found out he had texted one of our distant relative girl,by sending her old photo - she was looking beautiful and asking her for her recent photo. he called her sexy! The same girl was staying in our house when she was studying. Now she has moved cities. I had confronted him about the same girl when i found out he was secretly texting her. After confrontation he says he will never do this again.

Ours is arranged marriage. My husband is calm and im the short tempered one in our marriage. Because of my abortions I was constantly in low moods and inferiority amongst family. I have been bitter and uninterested in physical relationship for a while. Butfrom last few months I was fine and we even got pregnant. But I am finding out that he - who is the about to be father is not interested in me. 
If i was not pregnant, I would take harsh decisions. Now I want the baby but I am unable to come out of this shock. He has assured me it will never happen. I still feel insecure and terrified about future. I cannot share this with anyone and seeking answers here.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

kh8052 said:


> Hi All, hoping to receive peace of mind here.
> I am 5 months pregnant after 6 years of marriage. Have faced 3 times miscarriages.
> All this aside last month I found out he had texted one of our distant relative girl,by sending her old photo - she was looking beautiful and asking her for her recent photo. he called her sexy! The same girl was staying in our house when she was studying. Now she has moved cities. I had confronted him about the same girl when i found out he was secretly texting her. After confrontation he says he will never do this again.
> 
> ...


So this girl asked your husband for an old photo of herself that was in your house or digital possession? Then your husband sent her the photo and said she looked beautiful in it? 

Do they talk a lot? Hide messages or calls? Seem inappropriate when she was staying with you? 

If it was just one text saying she looked good, I can see that being very hurtful (especially when pregnant). That may not be an emotional affair though.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> So this girl asked your husband for an old photo of herself that was in your house or digital possession? Then your husband sent her the photo and said she looked beautiful in it?
> 
> Do they talk a lot? Hide messages or calls? Seem inappropriate when she was staying with you?
> 
> If it was just one text saying she looked good, I can see that being very hurtful (especially when pregnant). That may not be an emotional affair though.


Hi, no no. My husband sent her the old photo from 2016 when she was staying in his house. Even though that girl stayed in our house my husband was in other country. But after our marriage we shifted back and this girl moved out. She has not encouraged his behaviour. she never replied. As he is close to me too I asked her a week back, she told she ignored such texts which she received. So it was solely one sided from him. This is what both of them tell. I still dont know wht to believe.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

All this because he asked for a picture?

Did he ask for a nude pic? That would be gross seeing how she is a relative.

Your relationship sucks. It doesn’t sound like he cheated unless you have left stuff out.

Why were you withholding sex from your husband for so long?

Was it to punish him for something?

Do you even love your husband?

Is he abusive?

You said your the one with a temper, how bad is it?


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

he didnt ask for nudes.
I was facing abortions and somehow i lost interest in physical intimacy.
I do love him and want to work on marriage.
But regaining the turst is hard. How do I know this is where he stops?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

kh8052 said:


> he didnt ask for nudes.
> I was facing abortions and somehow i lost interest in physical intimacy.
> I do love him and want to work on marriage.
> But regaining the turst is hard. How do I know this is where he stops?


It's normal to lose interest in sex after miscarriages/spontaneous abortions. Your husband should have been understanding of that. 

Trust is very quickly destroyed. It takes time to build, and even more to rebuild. So what you need is time and consistency from him. There is no quick fix, unfortunately (unless he meant nothing by it and you come to realize that).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would suggest individual counseling for you at the time. It sounds like you are really struggling with the pain of losing your pregnancies. Sorry you have gone through that.

Is there anything else your husband has done to break your trust?

Did he say why he asked for the picture?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

It is painful to know he is attracted to someone else and even worse tried to reach out to her.

I am just concerned about her being a relative. Are you two also related to each other besides being married? Is she related to him? Is being from the ramily part of the arranged marriage deal in your culture?

If yes: Was he maybe looking for a new potential and bride to replace you and which his family would accept as new wife?

It might help, if you two sit together and talk about why you're married. It being an arranged marriage plays a major role in all this. How both of you feel for each other.

I assume you two did not date before you got married. The odds are really low that this results in a perfect romantic relationship like we see in hollywood movies.
With arranged marriage I assume you have to expect your partner fancying someone else.
Even in love marriage this is to be expected, but if you didn't get married because you knew each other and fell in love, it is no surprise.

It might be even more difficult to you, as you're married to someone who never fought for you to get you, if it was arranged marriage. So he never had to prove how much he is into you.
I don't know how this arrangment went on. If he had a say in it or if your parents arranged everything. 

In arranged marriage you have to forget all that hollywood nonsense about super honeymoon and being the one and only.
It isn't about love and emotions, but about surpressing your own emotions in order to stick to the rules of your society.

if you want to have that romantic hollywood experience, I am afraid you'll have to leave your husband and look the western society way for love. But be aware that this is 99% of all cases also just a way for people to find out love is painful, barely exists or not what one was dreaming about.
You very likely might end up miserable and dissapointed as well.

Sit together and talk to each other. That's what all couples have to do. 
There is no other way. Talk, talk, talk. Marriage is hard work. Always. Don't expect things to be easy.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> I would suggest individual counseling for you at the time. It sounds like you are really struggling with the pain of losing your pregnancies. Sorry you have gone through that. Is there anything else your husband has done to break your trust? Did he say why he asked for the picture?


 Thanks for your reply. I have considered counseling. My husband has agreed to attend the counseling sessions as well. He has not done anything else that I know of to break my trust. He asked for picture as per his words for pleasure and curiosity.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> It is painful to know he is attracted to someone else and even worse tried to reach out to her.
> 
> I am just concerned about her being a relative. Are you two also related to each other besides being married? Is she related to him? Is being from the ramily part of the arranged marriage deal in your culture?
> 
> ...


We are not related and she is not really a blood relative. And what you mentioned is apt. In love' marriage there is fight for love. Arranged marriage is serving you everything without your pursuit.may be that spark is missing in arranged marriage.
Yes the romance of movies is imaginary.
Yes talking to each other is what we have adopted now.im glad atleast he is opening up about his desires,likings and dislikings towards me.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> So this girl asked your husband for an old photo of herself that was in your house or digital possession? Then your husband sent her the photo and said she looked beautiful in it?
> 
> Do they talk a lot? Hide messages or calls? Seem inappropriate when she was staying with you?
> 
> If it was just one text saying she looked good, I can see that being very hurtful (especially when pregnant). That may not be an emotional affair though.


No talking much. Looks like the girl has not responded to my husband's advances.
Thankfully we didn't stay together.she was visiting us though.
Problem was from his side. He was texting her.i wonder why she didn't tell me.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

You all think i should trust the marriage and give him. Chance?


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

kh8052 said:


> You all think i should trust the marriage and give him. Chance?


I think you should give it a try. I think this is maybe just the first of many challenges you two are going to face. 
Set boundaries. Tell him that messaging other women and making compliments is a deal breaker. 
Maybe marriage counceling could help. Because a professional person maybe better at getting tp thw root of this problem. Especially why he reached out to another woman.
My second suggestion is to talk to older more experienced woman asking them about their experience during marriage.

Your type of marriage is what we had in western society maybe two generations before. For us we would need to talk to our grandmothers or grand-grandmothers, but they usually have the same story. There was always that other girl. 

What you see here in this foeum is the western idea of love. We believe now more then ever that there is an ideal partner who has only eyes for us and only us. And to many it is a deal breaker if they find out the partner fancies someone else for a minute. But that's also why we have higher divorce rates.

In my opinion, you should work on issues as long as your partner isn't activly trying to sleep with someone else. What your husband did is borderline. Maybe their were some intentions in the back of his mind. But well, at least you know now to pay attention.

But you'll never now. That comes with every relationship. You have to find out if and how far you can trust your spous.

There is no perfect answer. It is hard to find a partner you can trust 100%. There is no garantee for anything. 
Some believe for years there partner isn't cheating in any way and find out later. Some never find out. You just found out. At least it wasn't physical and one sided. He told you the truth and from that you can continue working on your relationship.
And you admitted you had problems showing him affection. 
At least he has some sort of excuse. it isn't your fault. Failed pregnancy did take a tall on you. You both have to learn from that experience.
Think positive. A relationship is about growing and learning.


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## kh8052 (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> I think you should give it a try. I think this is maybe just the first of many challenges you two are going to face.
> Set boundaries. Tell him that messaging other women and making compliments is a deal breaker.
> Maybe marriage counceling could help. Because a professional person maybe better at getting tp thw root of this problem. Especially why he reached out to another woman.
> My second suggestion is to talk to older more experienced woman asking them about their experience during marriage.
> ...


I am reading your message again and again. It's really insightful and comforting. Thanks will definitely talk it out with my partner.


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