# An old email account



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.

The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.

How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Slit your wrists?? Wow.

She didn't even know you, then.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Does that matter that she didn't know me??? It still hurts to see her with some other guy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This was long before you ever set eyes on her and got to know her! You weren't even a blip on her radar screen then!

Deactivate the account and live the loving life that you have with her now! Looking at historical photos from her past can do you absolutely no good! It would be tantamount to her looking at pics of you and your old love interests!

Forget about it! You don't own her past!*


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hurt you to the point of wanting to slit your wrists? That seems like a very unhealthy reaction. 

Did you have no dating past before meeting your wife?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *This was long before you ever set eyes on her and got to know her! You weren't even a blip on her radar screen then!
> 
> Deactivate the account and live the loving life that you have with her now! Looking at historical photos from her past can do you absolutely no good! It would be tantamount to her looking at pics of you and your old love interests!
> 
> Forget about it! You don't own her past!*


5 million likes


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you always look for suffering... you will always find it.

Simply

Stop


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I kind of get what you're thinking. My fiance dated a number of guys since her divorce in 2010. I can go on Facebook and see a couple pics of her with these guys. I search for their name and the pics come up because other friends of hers have the pics tagged from years ago. She's not friends with them on FB and they still show up. 

I don't get upset about it. I did however keep looking at them early on in our relationship and wonder how I stacked up. I came to the realization that those relationships were a long time ago and they ended. In fact all of them ended on her part because they guys ended up being a-holes. She is with me and I have no jealousy issues. Just part of life. As long as she wants your d!ck and no one else, you have nothing to worry about!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> If you always look for suffering... you will always find it.
> 
> Simply
> 
> Stop


What a great quote, I love that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Well..you already knew she had had other men before you even came along...so why is it bothering you so much now?
It's not like she lied by telling you that you were her one and only partner, right? 
So you went into this marriage already knowing about her past (I guess). 

I also understand that imagining the past and actually seeing pictures from her past are two different things which lead to 2 different emotional states. But I'd suggest you delete that account and time will heal and erase the (irrational) anger that you feel now.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

So were you a dating novice & virgin when you met your wife, or do you have a "history" of your own?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Why were you Googling her username in the first place? That's an odd thing to search, unless you were purposefully looking for something like what you found.

Anyway, this is called retroactive jealousy, and it's not uncommon. Many people, myself included, had or have some form of this. There's not a whole lot of people out there who WANT to see their partners with other people, regardless of how far in the past it was.

But to paraphrase Buddhist - you go looking for trouble, you'll find it. In this day and age of virtually anything available at your fingertips, it's not difficult to find and see things you really don't want to. So don't go looking.

When I went through a bout of this a few years ago, people on TAM really gave it to me - and for good reason. My story wasn't the same as yours (I didn't go looking for anything...) but what I did see made me feel similar to how you're feeling. Not suicidal, but it weighed on my mind for longer than it should have.

Keep this in mind - you've had girlfriends (and maybe a wife?) before. You weren't some innocent virgin when you met her. Neither was she. You no doubt have times where you recall a former girlfriend, maybe even fondly. Maybe you remember what she looked like naked, or how good the sex was with her. Or simply some happy moments. We all do it. Your wife dated other people. So did mine. Your wife was on a dating site. So was mine. She went on dates, she had casual sex, she had children with another man. She did all kinds of things. So did I. So did you. So did your wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.
> 
> The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys *makes me want to slit my wrists.*
> 
> How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!


Slit your wrists?

Nah, slit your lids of your eyes. Slit them closed to the point that you cannot see out of the them. 

Everyone has a past. Most women have had other lovers in their life. Are you some other women's former boyfriend. When you were younger did you "bone" some old flame.
Yes? Then stop your crap.

She had other men. She did not pick them. She picked you. Other men did not "wear out" her fold. Nope, does not happen. A women's "thing" is good to go for 70 to 80 years.

You snooped, you found pictures of other dudes and her. She did not flaunt them. You found them. Delete them.

Actually, be glad that you are jealous. A jealous spouse is a good thing [in moderation]. This means that you care. It is good to care.

She is your wife now. Take care of her and she will take care of you. 

Hey! You told us that things between her and you were getting better? Don't spoil a good trend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> What a great quote, I love that.


 @Emerging Buddhist
Yep, he's the Man. That smiling Buddha fella!


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Delete the account and never go back. It serves no purpose at all to look at those emails. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

No, 
I don't mean to be harsh, but no, most people understand that their current partners had previous partners, unless they had good reason to think that they were their partner's first relationship.

My wife dated men before she met me. I'm sure the kissed, had sex, told each other that they were in love, cuddled together in bed, laughed at each others jokes etc.

I wouldn't go looking for that information because I don't have any particular desire to see it, but some day I might run across an old photo, or letter or something. If so, I'll just remember that I had relationships before dating my wife, and that while I remember those relationships fondly, they are just things in my past, of no meaning now. 






CanadaDry said:


> snip
> . Anyone in my shoes would be jealous.
> snip


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife's "number" was huge. She was always open about it. But I'm not jealous of it as she has always stuck with me and has remained faithful. I see no problem.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.
> 
> The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.
> 
> How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!



So you were a virgin when you met your wife, you had never "handled kissed, boned", anyone before your wife?

You are creating a problem where there isn't one!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.
> 
> The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.
> 
> How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!


Your wife is a real human being with a past and a history before you came into the picture, just like you. Seriously, get over it. This is completely childish.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> *Does that matter that she didn't know me???* It still hurts to see her with some other guy.


YES!!!

What the Hell, man?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your focusing on everthing but your real problem.


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## quin (Feb 14, 2017)

Everything in her past is what led her to you and turned her into the person that she is now. 

Honestly, I felt the same way you did. When I was 18, then I matured. My husband has a long line of women in his past. Dozens that he dated, more that he was intimate with. Who gives a crap, honestly. It was in the past, it was before we were together. If I go back far enough on his Facebook I can find pictures of him with other women, plastered for the world to see. I can see cutesy little love messages they wrote on each others walls. God forbid I peak into his email, he's saved every single email since he first created it. But do I do that? No, because if you go looking for pain you'll find it and there is no reason for that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Like a very wise old football officiating mentor told me when I was a young football and basketball referee, "In matters of life or in sports officiating, if you go out "hunting for buggers," you'll usually always find them!

And whenever you come across them, they'll never do you any good!"

Mature and put this unneeded, self-inflicted pain to bed!*


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow oh wow. If you are not mature enough to deal with your wifes past why in the world you you go dig things up? Are you just looking for ways to punish yourself? How is your attitude toward your wife right now? Is it normal or are you acting pissy toward her? Do you blame and resent her for having a past? Who is causing your hurt? You or her? 

Your reaction to this makes me wonder what kind of guy you are to live with, I don't see how you can be this upset and your wife not feel a negative vibe from you, yet she has done nothing wrong. 

To answer your question no I would not feel crushed to see my wifes past. I was married for twenty years and we both had mementoes of previous relationships, pictures, some gifts, just some little things. Nether one of us was every jealous or hurt by the others past.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


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## quin (Feb 14, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


That's ok, that works for you. For other people they don't want or need to erase their pasts (like my husband). Like it or not, she DID have good times with those people and they did help her become who she is today. Why erase all those memories? She isn't hanging pictures of her and other men around the house. YOU had to go looking for them. There is a chance she doesn't even know they still exist. 

Sorry, but you are at fault here - not her.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends *so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed.*


See, that's the thing. She wouldn't feel crushed, nor would any other rational adult who understands that people have former exes who they had sex with.

"Retroactive Jealousy" -- you have it. It's a real psychological problem (a type of OCD) and you are struggling mightily with it. Google it and then find a counselor who can help you deal with it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Canada, 
I am going to take a wild guess here, if you look back at all of your relationships I suspect that your behavior was the basis for most of the break ups....you have this unhealthy need to become self-destructive. What I am simply getting at is that at first it was the communication with the co-worker, then the story about her sister and the swingers, then the comment to her sister about her life after your death and now this during up email accounts that she hasn't used since before you two were together...you will not be happy until you can convince yourself that she is wanting out of this marriage...and the moment you do, then you will prove to yourself your right...and then what? You become a lonely, depressed, smoking (because we both know that stress will bring you back there in a heart beat) divorced guy....is that what you want? STOP THIS NOW!!!!! Love and live and move on with life.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


You may have deleted all the pictures from your past relationships but I can guarantee if you do a search on yourself like you did on your wife most if not all of them will show up.Once a picture goes on Facebook or most of the other social media platforms they are there to stay.You can request google to stop searches with your name in them from showing any information but you need a good reason before they will entertain your request.But ffs buddy how many are we talking about,it's not like she had a man of the month storyline is it.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

I wouldn't be jealous in the least.

When I meet a new future SO, the person I am meeting is a sum of all the experiences she's had in the past, including with other guys. If she becomes my SO, then she has chosen me instead of that other guy. The SO I fall in love with would not have been the same SO had she not had years of experience with other men.

I am curious - how do you "easily" gain access to someone else's email account? The reason I want to know is so that I can protect mine enough that it's not easy!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


What makes you think she'd feel crushed?

You're projecting your own feelings onto her.

Besides, it's an old email address. Who the hell thinks to delete those, especially for that reason??? I probably have 2 or 3 ones floating around. Who knows what's in them? Who cares?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past.


And another thing... why on earth would you want to "erase your past"?? It's as though you're trying to pretend nothing ever happened before you met your wife, no girlfriends, no lovers, no life. That's a bit odd, don't you think?

The sum of everything that happened in your past makes you who you are TODAY.

A trip to the counselor is in order to help you reframe your perspective because it's a bit off kilter right now.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


Oh Dear, you would not survive long in my world. We both still have our ex's in our lives and socialise with them. Chill out, take a few deep breaths and then off to therapy.

I actually think it is odd to erase your past, it is all part of who you are. Would not be a nice feeling for your current wife to know that if you guys break up you will erase everything about her like she never existed. Seems incredibly unbalanced.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

CanadaDry said:


> There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.
> 
> The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.
> 
> How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!


Get therapy... lots and lots of theapy. Where you a virgin when you meet your wife? Did you BONE someone else's wives before they meet their future husbands? You're upset because she had a life 6 years before even knew you were alive?

Contact your insurance company, ask for a list of psychologists to talk to that are nearby.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I have a secret to you... 
For many many years, long before 2012.
You wife had done countless farting, peeing and pooping. Easily a million. I bet she did manny of them daily.

In all seriousness... you can't erase the past. Hell, I've introduced my wife to any past lover or girlfriend that we ever run into. She friends some of them now. I have meet and okay with the people in her past a well.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.




Yeah. 

I had a dating past too.

3 kids and an ex husband.

My ex bf was jealous of that and ended up beating the living crap out of me because he was jealous because my kids were not his.

The past is the past. Let it go. Hyper focusing on this stuff is going to drive you nuts....you need to stop. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

xMadame said:


> Yeah.
> 
> I had a dating past too.
> 
> ...


I wish there was the ability to show disgust rather than just "liking" a post here. I absolutely despise abusive people. I'm so sorry you went through that! 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


Not everyone is you and not everyone burns the bridges of their past experiences, but carries that knowledge forward in life. 

I kept letters from my first relationship, for the intended purpose of burning then on a fire in the arms of my next (future) husband: The man who was going to be right for me. 

I got my wish and my H knows my past. He's not jealous of what was in my life before him. I give him all of my attention now.

If this is not something you can easily work out, then it's best you let her go. Most women past the age of 18 or 20 are going to have a past. Does it suddenly not exist because there's no evidence to prove it happened? Come on.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


Erasing your past as you did I see as a selfish move. Doing that (in your mind) is a form of self sacrifice to prove your love and devotion. Most people wouldn't think of going to that extreme, most people just let their life evolve as they move forward, the past is simply that…past.

It's not your wife's job to protect you from your own insecurities.

You said you weren't a dating virgin. But were you a sexual virgin when you met your wife? Was she your first? Is she the first woman you have loved?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

CanadaDry, I'm starting to think that you're actually here looking for anything you can use as an excuse to divorce your wife and blame her for it. Is that the case?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CanadaDry said:


> No im not a dating virgin. I have a past too. The difference is that I've gone through great lengths to erase my past. I've gotten rid of every picture, email, note, letter from girlfriends so my wife doesn't see them and feel crushed. I don't talk about my past dating experiences at all. If my wife went looking through my stuff, which I don't mind her doing at all, she would find nothing.


Does your wife talk fondly of her past romances? Does she do so often? Or, is this just old stuff you found but which she hasn't looked at in a ****'s age?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Thanks for the replies, all. No im not looking for a reason to divorce my wife. In fact I'm terrified of losing her. But at least I know this sickness has a name, "retroactive jealousy". I know I need counseling and I hope to be able to get it very soon. I do seem to also have a need to self destruct, especially when things are going well. I guess somewhere deep down I don't believe I deserve to be happy. I wish I knew how to stop that kind of thinking. It's not a light switch you can turn on and off.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> Thanks for the replies, all. No im not looking for a reason to divorce my wife. In fact I'm terrified of losing her. But at least I know this sickness has a name, "retroactive jealousy". I know I need counseling and I hope to be able to get it very soon. I do seem to also have a need to self destruct, especially when things are going well. I guess somewhere deep down I don't believe I deserve to be happy. I wish I knew how to stop that kind of thinking. It's not a light switch you can turn on and off.


Awareness and admission of a problem are the first personal steps to recovery. We are the product of our experiences, @CanadaDry. It might not sound reassuring, but she is who she is, because of what she's experienced. 

How do we know what is truly right for us if we never find out for ourselves what is also wrong for us? I have personally made mistakes in my past relationships, but the one that I am in now is the one that I have always dreamed about finding, once I knew what I wanted. I just had to learn exactly what it should look like.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I would say that you need to understand that your wife had a life and dated other men before she met and dated you. We all have a history, and if a person isn't OK with their significant other having a history, I would probably suggest that they then shouldn't be getting into serious relationships. 

Your wife's photos are from 2006 or 2007 and she met you in 2012; that is long before you came along, and in all honesty, you say that this email account is old as the hills and hasn't been touched in quite some time. Does that not mean anything? Most people have multiple email accounts, and some get forgotten about. This sounds pretty innocent to me!



CanadaDry said:


> So I did a google search on my wife's primary user name and discovered she had an old yahoo mail account. It was no problem gaining access to the account. Looks like she hadn't used it in some time. Inside were folders of emails mostly about clothes and bills. But two folders stood out - pictures and dating. I looked through the pictures folder. There are several pics from 2006-2007 of her with some guy. He's not bad looking. Remember I met my wife at the end of 2012. And in the dating folder we're emails from several guys. Apparently she had a match.com account at one point. I was able to log into that and found the account deactivated so no worries there.
> 
> The more I look at her in these pics hugging and kissing on this other guy the more angrier and sadder I get. This is some other guy who was handling, kissing, boning my current wife. Anyone in my shoes would be jealous. And the emails... reading her flirt with other guys makes me want to slit my wrists.
> 
> How do I deal with these feelings, these emotions? How does anyone else handle your spouses past??? This is driving me freaking insane!!!


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Satya said:


> Awareness and admission of a problem are the first personal steps to recovery. We are the product of our experiences, @CanadaDry. It might not sound reassuring, but she is who she is, because of what she's experienced.
> 
> How do we know what is truly right for us if we never find out for ourselves what is also wrong for us? I have personally made mistakes in my past relationships, but the one that I am in now is the one that I have always dreamed about finding, once I knew what I wanted. I just had to learn exactly what it should look like.


I'm happy you found your dream relationship. Not many people are as lucky. I would also say that my marriage to my wife is my dream relationship. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman and I firmly believe she deserves better. But isn't that how all parties in a good relationship should feel - that their partners deserve better?


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

Ursula, you and everyone else are quite correct in what you say. It is irrational for me to be jealous of a past when that past in no way threatens the present. I'm going to work on getting through this ridiculous behavior and try not to let these things bother me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

CanadaDry said:


> Ursula, you and everyone else are quite correct in what you say. *It is irrational *for me to be jealous of a past when that past in no way threatens the present. I'm going to work on getting through this ridiculous behavior and try not to let these things bother me.


But it's also very real for you (and many others, you're not alone in that). Good luck.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Canada Dry,

I think you did make a mistake by not sharing your past with your W, there is a also a concept of historical honesty which is part of radical honesty. Spouses come to terms with what you tell them as long as they know you are being honest. I've told my W everything I did with other women and fill her in on details as I recall them. I don't think you've ever had that conversation with your W if I am not mistaken.

What is more concerning is that your W feels it is ok to keep in contact with male friends and even a couple who propositioned her. More than that you don't know who those people from her past are who might still be in contact with her.

Tamat


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## Mucc (Oct 13, 2015)

My STBXH did something very similar. I'll tell you how that turned out. And perhaps you will see how your wife MIGHT feel about things if she were to know about what you were upto. Also, I am sorry that this is going to be long, rambly and somewhat personal - because I bet lots of people out there think/feel this way.

Prior to dating my STBXH, I had a 5 year long relationship. I broke off that relationship because I was ready to take the next step but the guy I was dating did not feel ready/ wasn't able to commit etc. I felt that he was so indecisive that I had no clear idea where our relationship was headed and therefore, decided I should move on. So I broke up. Went through a few months of grieving but was able to move forward given it was a well thought out decision on my part. I did not stay friends with my ex-boyfriend. We stopped communicating once we broke up. I did not feel the need to "de-friend" him from social networking sites although did not feel the need to communicate with him further. Now 5 years is not a short time to be with someone, particularly if you were looking to move things forward. We definitely had pictures together where we were affectionate, went on trips together, were together at parties etc etc. I did take down all pictures from social media of just the two of us. However if there were 10 friends in a picture and he was in it, then I did not bother taking them down - because the memory wasn't just with him but also with my friends. 

On my computer there was a folder of old pictures - where i moved all pictures of my old relationships (like others have mentioned - that WAS a part of my life and I didn't FEEL the need to erase my past). A few months after the end of my relationship with my ex boyfriend I met my STBXH. When my STBXH and I started getting serious about our relationship, I was honest about the existence of past relationships, the gist of why they did not work out etc. So he was AWARE that I had a past, as I was that he had one. I felt that it was a good thing to have a past - it means (to me) that you made mistakes/figured out what does or doesnt work for you. 


One day after we were married, I was at work and my STBXH decided to go through my computer (I don't know why). He of course found pictures of my previous relationships (folders were not password protected, I wasn't doing anything shady). He then decided to log onto my social media account on my computer - and I guess was able to go back into pictures and see a picture of me with 15 other people - where my ex-boyfriend was present (he was at the other end of the picture, not like we were holding hands or whatever). Anyway that evening when I got back home, my STBXH created a huge issue. His point was EXACTLY the same as yours - WHY didnt I delete the pictures. He had deleted everything from his past and why I hadn't. We ended up getting into a huge argument, with him deciding that I was not empathetic enough about his feelings of being upset over this. And perhaps I didn't articulate this well enough to him at the time - but I was quite upset by his behaviour. He ended up escalating this eventually when he called my mother to complain about how I hadn't deleted pictures of my ex-relationships. So perhaps he's a step beyond you - but hey you feel upset enough to slit your wrists, so maybe not.

Reading about your behaviour brought up some of those feelings. And I'll tell you and everyone who feels the way you do - as to why this is completely UNFAIR to your spouse. Some of this has been mentioned albeit nicely, but its hit a nerve with me, so I may not be so nice. 

IF you go snooping in the past, you WILL find things to be upset about. IF you decide to go out and date someone beyond the age of 18, they have likely had a past. They may have been honest or not forthcoming with the information of the PAST. Honestly, truth is, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, unless they are somehow still connected to the past in an uncomfortable manner. IF they have decided to move on from their past relationships and bury them, YOU should also keep it buried. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT THAT THEY HAVE A PAST. You have no right to make them feel guilty OR in your case get overly upset about it as if they are doing something wrong. How you decide to deal with your past is UPTO YOU (you have decided to delete all pictures or whatever). Similarly, how they decide to deal with their past is Upto THEM. People are allowed to keep pictures from their past because it was a part of them/their memories/their good and bad times. Your spouse doesn't have to do EXACTLY what you do or how you do it. YOU did not do them a favour by deleting pictures - its what you CHOSE to do. She did not ask. She may or may not feel any jealousy. But to make it sound like they OWE you something and you were such a great guy because you deleted your past is ridiculous. 

I'll tell you what my mom told my ex-husband when he complained to her - If you felt jealous/hurt when you clicked on the first picture, then why didn't you stop right then and there?

Because curiosity got the better of you right? Then you knew you were snooping around into her privacy. You were AWARE that this was an OLD email account. You were aware that this was in her past BEFORE she met you or was in anyway involved with you. You were aware she was not actively doing any of it - yet you continued to snoop around. And then you complain you wanna slit your wrists? Well this is ALL on you. None of this is on her. 

My ex had said to me - I believe you when you say you haven't looked at these pictures in years but I still want reassurance and this is still hurtful to me and I want you to delete all the pictures promptly. 

It sounds like you also believe that your wife does not use the account anymore for many years but feel about the same - the only difference is you haven't picked an argument with her - She can't reassure you for things you are creating yourself, you have to heal your own hurt that you are un-necessarily dragging into your life. She is NOT responsible for your emotions in this case. 

But my ex-husband harboured these feelings and likely resented me for this because one fine day during an argument, he said to me - perhaps you should go back to your ex-boyfriends whose pictures are still on your computer. 

THAT statement definitely contributed significantly to pushing me over the edge. It made me lose respect for my partner instantly, because it showed me he did not respect me. It shows your partner you don't trust them even though they have given you NO reason to doubt them and they are being perfectly faithful. That loss of trust is VERY detrimental to a loving bond. It also tells your partner that you don't respect their privacy and right to keep their past in the past. If they have buried it, who are you to go digging it? 

There may or may not be more to your relationship - but this particular sentiment will not help your marriage. MAKE VERY SURE that you do not hold your wife responsible for this "hurt" that you feel.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> I'm happy you found your dream relationship. Not many people are as lucky. I would also say that my marriage to my wife is my dream relationship. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman and I firmly believe she deserves better. *But isn't that how all parties in a good relationship should feel - that their partners deserve better?*


So let that motivate you to become a better person, instead of wallowing in self-pity. Get that counselling to get a handle on the retroactive jealousy.


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