# Struggling with recovery



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Posting in infidelity and men’s clubhouse.

Quick background for those who don’t know me. Married 16 years. Wife was diagnosed with Fibro and Chronic Fatigue 2+ years ago. I stepped it up around the house and with the kids while she had nothing but time. Her time lead to reconnecting to old male friends on Facebook – and then making new male friends through Myspace and other places. Multiple EAs and a year-long separation are finally over. She moved back home in December. Things have been OK, but not great. Has been hard to reconnect. I still struggle with anger / resentment.

When she first moved home she was very open about things. If I asked her what she was doing on her laptop, she would show me. She’s given me no reason since coming home to be suspicious.

Something has changed. Starting about 2 weeks ago, she is no longer as forthcoming. If I ask what she’s doing on the computer for an hour she now get’s angry. Last night I noticed that she had put a password on her laptop.

She claims that I’m becoming controlling and that I’m looking too hard for proof of some EA or whatever that isn’t there. I say that there is no good reason for her to be hiding things from me – that it will only make the situation worse and won’t teach me any lesson or help me to move on.

I truly don’t believe that anything is going on. But her returning to old patterns – too much time on the laptop – brings back some very negative feelings.

Was looking at info in 180s recently – wondering if this might help. Lost my temper over the weekend and was very angry – which I know just isn’t productive.

Looking for advice – do I push for her to be open again and insist that if I’m no over it, then its just not over? Or do I just let her do her thing – don’t pursue - and focus on myself (a 180)?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like she is cheating. 
Lots of red flags--her past behvior, her current behavior, the passcodes, her calling you controlling. Can you get hardcore proof? Do it and then confront her with it or tell her you know very matter of factly and if it doesn't end, you are gone. Tell her you won't live in an open marriage.

The fact taht she's had "multiple EAs" per your words, in the past, is very telling.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Her behavior was SO incredibly odd when she was having EAs (mostly Facebook, texting stuff). This just feels a bit different. Feels more like she's trying to exert herself or something.

15 years of honesty - 1 year of dishonesty and a lot of weird behavior - and now 4-5 months of honesty while also being annoyed that I don't trust her yet.

Is there some honesty to dishonesty ratio that can calculate how soon you should trust again?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> ... Is there some honesty to dishonesty ratio that can calculate how soon you should trust again?


Yes there is actually: 100% honesty : 0% dishonesty

100% transparency : 0% lack of transparency

100% openness : 0% secretiveness

If she is not giving you 100% of her affection and loyalty...and by being loyal I mean that she cares about you more than the privacy of her laptop...then that means she is not being faithful to you. She is putting her affection for the laptop ABOVE her affection for you; she is putting her loyalty to whatever is occurring on the laptop ABOVE her loyalty to you. 

See if you have any other ratio (say 70% honesty : 30% dishonesty) then you have basically just taught her that it is perfectly okay with you if she cheats on you, as long as it's "just 30% cheating."

Seriously NG, you should get 100%. I give my own Dear Hubby 100% and here's what I mean. I am transparent enough to him that I share everything with him, even my innermost feelings and thoughts, even if they are not all sunshine and rainbows. I don't hide the True ME from him--I let him see through to see the True ME even when it's not flattering and has warts and is a mess. So the ratio is 100% : 0%...settle for NOTHING LESS!

BTW, I am not exaggerating.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hey AC - guess what I was asking was more along the lines of how soon before you can truly trust a person again after a year of dishonesty?

Finding it hard after 4 months of apparent honesty to stop looking for secrets and Bull$hit.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't think there's a time ratio. After years of dishonesty from my husband, it didn't take long for me to trust him because he willingly offered transparency. It was several months before I found this site and I didn't even know to ask for it. He just opened up and seemed relieved about it.

It sounds like your instincts are telling you that things still aren't right. Your wife not being completely transparent is proving it. I don't mean that I think she's cheating, but she's not letting her guard down and being open with you. Maybe you should have a talk with her about whether she's all in or if she's still harboring fantasies about some other life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Just read parts of your thread in men's clubhouse- the bike rally? I think she's definitely still in party mode. I agree with you about that. It doesn't seem like a very romantic getaway for a reconciling couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

LuvMyH said:


> Just read parts of your thread in men's clubhouse- the bike rally? I think she's definitely still in party mode. I agree with you about that. It doesn't seem like a very romantic getaway for a reconciling couple.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No - not at all!!!

Although I must admit that I don't normally have a strong aversion to beer and topless women! Just seems strange that my wife seems so interested.

Plus - we'd be pulling up in a MINI-VAN as we don't even own a bike!


----------

