# Need Advice!



## smbunhappy (Jun 9, 2014)

-Married 19 years, been together for 24 years
-I have never dated or been with anyone else
-2 children, 13 and 18 (leaving for military)

Over the last 6 months I have been finding myself more and more distant. We have not slept in the same room for about 2 years now. Sex life is horrible, I don't want it. I feel like it is a chore and I don't feel attracted to him. 

While we both work, I am the breadwinner and contribute 2/3rds to his 1/3rd on monthly bills. However, anything beyond that (kids needs, school needs, family gifts, holidays, home improvements, vacations, etc) all comes from me or it does not happen. Any extra money on his end (OT or side jobs) goes towards his activities or his car. 

I have become more adventurous since getting older, working out, snorkeling, Ziplining, sky diving, etc none of which he would do.

Household chores: I do it all! Sure, in the winter he may shovel the 3-4 times we get snow and he may work on my car once a year but that is it. I do everything. It is also on me to run the kids everywhere they need to be.

When it comes to going places I tend to look for others to go with. I have no desire to hang out with him. We dont have anything in common. I like movies, shopping, casinos. He likes casinos (if Im paying) and he likes racing which I do not. We both like to travel but on my dime.

I look at my house in disgust and it disgusts me even more that the only way to make it better is if "I" pay for it but this cannot happen until I am done paying for other things such as taxes, furnace, etc. 

I have gotten to the point where I just avoid him and this week I decided to no longer make his lunches, vacuum his room, dump his trash cans, and have started to put his clean laundry in a separate basket for him to bring up and put it away. 

I think I could handle the money differences if I did not have to do everything in the house too. If I complain, he will just do his own dish, fork, etc, or his own laundry and so on. he does not see the big picture. He constantly says he loves me and touches me and I dont like it. I don't think he feels the same as me at all.

However, with all this said, are these even my real issues or is it that I am just no longer in love. Of course I will always have love for him but I can't stop imagining myself being single and raising my teen alone. I have no desire to be with anyone else nor have I strayed emotionally or physically. Everyone from the outside looking in would be SHOCKED to hear my feelings. 

I need advice...anyone in the same or similiar boat?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whose choice was it to sleep in separate rooms?

Sounds to me like you've got a lot of resentments that you've let fester for a long time. Have you talked to him about them? Considered counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smbunhappy (Jun 9, 2014)

It was my choice. He snores and does use a machine and it just really bothered me.

And yes, I do have a lot of resentment. I have tried to talk to him but he blows up and walks away. His common response is "this is how I was when you married me and I am not changing now".


----------



## botti (May 28, 2014)

When you try to talk to him about it, how is the stage set? Is he in the middle of something? Are you frustrated and angry? Did he just once again do something to p1ss you off? 

Are you menopausal at all? Has anything else changed in your lives? Just trying to understand why after so many years it's all of a sudden too much.

My $0.02 is counseling. You have resentments, he doesn't see the basis for them. Maybe someone else can help him see your POV. Whether or not you are in love or not, your feelings are your feelings and no one has a right to tell you what they should be. 

I've also been the breadwinner in my family and that has been hard for my husband at times. Your husband may be feeling inadequate as it is and the thought of doing more domestic chores on top of not making as much money may be a serious issue for him. 

I stress - that's his issue. Not yours. Your issue is that you're bringing home the bacon AND frying it AND cleaning the pan. He needs to contribute more, bottom line. 

Good luck. I know with kids involved it's never that simple.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

smbunhappy said:


> It was my choice. He snores and does use a machine and it just really bothered me.
> 
> And yes, I do have a lot of resentment. I have tried to talk to him but he blows up and walks away. His common response is "this is how I was when you married me and I am not changing now".


You should be angry. His laziness is making you do carry too much of the load. And while he may have been lazy when you married him, he didn't have a family and kids to support (or maybe he did. Does he have other kids from before you?)


----------



## smbunhappy (Jun 9, 2014)

He had a HS fling and had a child from that. He never told his parents until the child was 7 or so. He was 6months when we started dating and I tried to bring the child into our circle and I ended up caring for him when he did visit while husband went to races or whatso. After so many attempts to create a relationship with the child he was not open to me so I gave up. From then on it was just a monthly payment and not much more. Pretty sad I know! Our son has not had best relationship with my husband either. Both bull headed, my son confides in me often and he and his dad have fought more times that I care to count and always out of hand. Something else I truly resent him for. Now that our daughter is a teen and getting a little sassy I refuse to tolerate another 5 years of his parenting style. He has been more involved with her as I do believe he had matured some by then. However, he has always done his own thing because he knew I was here to handle the house and kids and appts and so on. I know I've let this happen.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It sounds a little co-dynamic. Maybe IC would help you figure out what part you're playing and how to stop the cycle. There's not a lot of redeeming vibes coming across about your husband.


----------



## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

For your childrens sake stay married. You unfortunately picked him. I would try to communicate to him that you two just need to be nice to each other and "act" like a family until all the children are gone. It kinda sounds like your doing this already. Sorry


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> For your childrens sake stay married. You unfortunately picked him. I would try to communicate to him that you two just need to be nice to each other and "act" like a family until all the children are gone. It kinda sounds like your doing this already. Sorry


Completely disagree with this advice.

What a terrible thing to do to kids to force them to stay in a home with two loveless adults who don't care about or respect each other.

It sounds like you two are just different people. It happens. It sounds like you're so disconnected emotionally its probably gone too far for intervention.

I think you guys should have a sit down and discuss if there's a possibility to end your marriage peacefully so that you can both move on with your lives.

I got divorced after an over 20-year marriage and it was the best gift I've ever given myself. Literally from the day I moved out of my marital prison, my life has been happier than I ever thought it could be. My children are much happier too. 

I had a lot of similar issues to what you described. I used to fantasize about being divorced every single day. And truthfully, its even better than my fantasies. There's nothing better than coming home after work to my own clean, cute house.

Best wishes to you!


----------



## smbunhappy (Jun 9, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Completely disagree with this advice.
> 
> What a terrible thing to do to kids to force them to stay in a home with two loveless adults who don't care about or respect each other.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smbunhappy (Jun 9, 2014)

smbunhappy said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! I too disagree with staying for the kids. At 18 & 13 they know what's going on. Did you ever seek counseling before deciding on divorce? Was your partner blindsided by your decision to divorced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> I too disagree with staying for the kids. At 18 & 13 they know what's going on.


The key to getting kids through a divorce in a healthy manner is to conduct yourself a certain way. It helps if both parents do it but you can't control your stbx, you have to control yourself.

The behaviors are pretty simple to say and sometimes harder to do. They including the following: 
-don't talk negatively about the other parent...ever. If you have to vent...do it out of the house or when the children are not around.
-be supportive of your children's relationship with the other parent. Speak positively during comings and goings.
-don't discuss divorce finances with the kids...ever
-be fair with the other parent even when they aren't fair to you
-stick to verifiable communication...like email...no voice or text....keep it polite and only discuss issues that are child related...ignore everything else
-never interrogate your kids about what goes on in the other parents house

Basically be child-centric and even if your ex is nasty (mine was/is) ignore it and concentrate on you doing the right thing for your children to transition them through. Whatever your kids are hearing/seeing at the other house....in your new home, you can provide them a happy, healthy place to be with a mom who's re-energized after a crappy marriage. You're probably going to find that its a lot easier and a lot more fun to be a great mom.

You simply have to always remember that kids deserve a relationship with both parents. Even if the other parent isn't the best...a bad role model is as important as a good one. Just be sure you're the good one...lol.

Its amazing how much a crappy marriage affects your ability to function as a mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc. You're going to have a new lease on life without the crappy marriage baggage.

I caution you though...divorce is one of the toughest, most stressful things I've dealt with. I was able to remain happy and positive and get through it because I had a great new guy and because I was so happy and hopeful about getting rid of my ex that I considered the divorce proceedings the price I paid for freedom.



> Did you ever seek counseling before deciding on divorce?


My ex told me that counselling was too expensive (even though we were financially well off). So I told him fine but divorce would be more expensive for him.

I was right.

He did ask me to go to counselling when I finally told him I was seeing a lawyer. It was too late for me by that point, I had been emotionally divorced from him for years and the idea of "saving my marriage" was a horrific idea at that time. I didn't want to save it at all. I was ready to suffer through whatever I had to to get out of it.



> Was your partner blindsided by your decision to divorced?


Yes my ex claimed to be blindsided to the million people he badmouthed me to. But considering that we had slept in separate bedrooms for 11 years (mine with my door locked), we never spoke, he did nothing but criticize me, he contributed nothing to household activities while I worked full-time and did it all, and I had been asking for a amicable divorce for 4 years....I think his claim of being "blindsided" was total b.s.

What he was blindsided by was that he couldn't blackmail me into staying (ie, i'll make sure you're broke and never see the kids again). He was also blindsided that his normal narcissistic manipulation tactics didn't work. He was also blindsided that I had a whole plan put together.

Mostly he was blindsided that I wasn't willing to continue to put up living in a loveless, boring, hopeless, pessimistic, sexless, drudgery-filled marriage anymore.

Divorce isn't just about the paperwork. Its about understanding that you have emotionally dissolved the connection and you feel disconnected from the person you are supposed to be partnered with. You may have some lingering habits that cause moments of guilt or regrets but you just know deep down that its over and you can't go back.

If you're there...do yourself a favor and start planning. Get some legal advice, start understanding your finances, start figuring out how to handle the housing situation, etc. 

The divorce itself will be brutal but once you're through it, it gets better and better every day.

Best wishes!!!


----------



## Whome? (May 17, 2014)

I feel the same way! Married 18 years and sleeping in separate beds. Kids are 15 and 12 and I use to want to stay in it for the kids but now I think it would be healthier for us all if we ended it. Problem is, now he doesn't want to. He use to but is now digging in his heals and I would have to move out of the house. He has told me he won't leave. I want to leave but the attorney I consulted with said don't. Then he has even more control. I can tell it would get ugly. 

I am in the opposite position though he has all the money control. I am saving as much as I can but I feel like one of those stupid women who let him take too much control of everything while I thought nothing would ever go wrong with our marriage.
We did counseling and she supported us divorcing but then things got better for a while. Now we are back to the same crap.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Sunhappy


Find a way to make him more responsible and contribute more. If you have to impose consequences then do it!



*Because he has taken advantage of you in the area of responsibilities and you have allowed it, you have a responsibility to try and make the situation better*.



Your resentment is not good for you or your children. You having feelings that you want to be single but only money is holding you back is you waning to take the easy way out. You helped cause this problem so you need to realize that your resentments are poison to your family and do something about it. *Your husband needs to hear you say in a very determined yet firm and polite way that he must change. If he refuses then bring on the heavy consequences.*


You are being taken advantage of but to hold on to resentments and think about being single and breaking up the family is a cop out on your part. If nothing works and your husband will not be fair with you and pick up more responsibilities then make a plan for your self when your daughter is on her own.



*Do you think that your daughter would be better off with you and your husband seperated?* Maybe she would be but I doubt it because all you have said is that your husband is taking advantage of you. He is but you can help him stop that.


Your husband is inconsiderate but all marriages have big troubles and your is not one of the worst. Give it 100%, including consequences, and see if he will do better. If all fails then sacrifice for your daughter until she is on her own then you can take more drastic steps for yourself.


----------



## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> feel the same way! Married 18 years and sleeping in separate beds. Kids are 15 and 12 and I use to want to stay in it for the kids but now I think it would be healthier for us all if we ended it. Problem is, now he doesn't want to. He use to but is now digging in his heals and I would have to move out of the house. He has told me he won't leave. I want to leave but the attorney I consulted with said don't. Then he has even more control. I can tell it would get ugly.


My ex told me that he was going to make the divorce a living hell for me.

It was definitely tedious and expensive but looking back on it now...it really wasn't that bad. Mostly because I did my homework and figured out pretty early on that there wasn't much he could do to me.

The worst part of it was the custody evaluation because even though I was 99% sure I wouldn't have an issue, its hard not to worry when the consequence is losing time with your own child.

What's interesting is that my ex is the one who ended up with the nightmare. He caused himself a lot of legal grief and got none of what he wanted. Although there are no winners in divorce, I would say that I'm pretty happy with the compromises that I made. I also think that going through it was beyond worth it to get out of my marriage.

The truth is that I got to the point that I didn't care what I had to do to get out of the marriage. I felt trapped, caged, and miserable and was desperate.



> I am in the opposite position though he has all the money control. I am saving as much as I can but I feel like one of those stupid women who let him take too much control of everything while I thought nothing would ever go wrong with our marriage.


You're one of many, many women who delude themselves into thinking they don't have to have a plan in case something goes wrong. Its common and you can definitely fix it. We all make mistakes.

My advice is to make a plan. Remember that half of the equity increase in any marital assets belong to you...plus you could potentially qualify for some temporary spousal support.

The issue is that those court orders take time to get and you'll need legal funds for a retainer, court costs, etc. So you'll need to figure out how to get over the financial hump.

Having a plan is very comforting. Maybe start looking for work. Talk to friends and family and see if they might be willing to help you. And start putting some money away.

There are a lot of attorneys who'll work out a delayed payment deal with you if they know that you're going to get a decent sized equity payment.

Best wishes!!!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Parents often stay for the children. The problem is that children are very perceptive. They know things aren't right. I used to be a believer, decades ago, in staying for the children. I did that, as a matter of fact. It was a mistake.


----------

