# Denial...Husband Doesn't Think Anything is Wrong



## bloodandfiregoddess (Mar 20, 2012)

Hi, found the forum. I'm needing some help, I would talk to my friends or mom and sister but, you know how biased they can be.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We were engaged 4 months to the date we met, then married two months after that. He was in the military and retired 3 years ago. I am 41 and he is 48. This is my 2nd marriage and his 3rd. Since we have gotten married, things went to sizzle to fizzle. My husband and I were romantic in the beginning. Things have changed and I no longer feel the same.

In all fairness, my husband is in love with me, I am the center of his universe. He is an excellent provider of security, comfort, and a home. He doesn't cheat. He takes care of me when I'm not feeling well. He is very good to my two sons. He is a good looking, kind person. So what is the problem? I know, I got it made right? People look at us and say " they are such a wonderful, happy couple." Which is farthest from the truth on my part.

For 2 years, I have been unhappy. 

I have come to realize that my husband is an alcoholic. We do not drink at home but, when we go out is a different story. When we first go together, I just thought he liked to party, just like me. No, he has openly admitted he likes to get drunk and that is the only reason he drinks. That really bothers me. He even landed in jail one weekend for his drinking and drunk out of control behavior. I often get embarrassed about his behavior when he drinks. I loathe going out with our friends when drinking is involved. I have threaten to leave him at one point about his drinking.

My health conditions have made me have to change my way of living. I had change my diet to a healthy diet suited for me, I also exercise, and though I didn't smoke much, I completely quit. I did all this so I do not feel bad day to day. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with diabetes. He refuses and, I mean refuses to eat healthy, exercise or take his blood sugars and meds. He states he does not want to eat healthy or do all the healthy things despite me explaining the consequences of not taking care of himself, think stroke and MI's. He is not overweight at all, he is thin figured. He also smokes like a train and has high blood pressure. He REFUSES to quit smoking also, he says he enjoys it. As you can imagine, it has led to health related issues that are a turn off. He reeks of cigarette smoke all the time, his breath is freaking awful to the point that I can smell it 3 feet away and it nauseates me, and his sexual performance is next to nothing in the bed room now. He can't last 5 minutes and that is all for the night when he is done. I will not kiss my husband at all, he goes to kiss me goodbye and I turn my head. I love to be kissed and I long to be kissed deeply but, not by him. What can you do when someone refuses to change and take care of themselves? I have tactfully and bluntly told him repeatedly that he stinks and his breath stinks but, it doesn't do any good. You would figure the lack of desire for sex would clue him in. I don't want to have sex with him at all. We are down to 1 every 1-2 months. I don't feel attracted to him anymore. 

In the past 2 years, I have sat down with him on 3 separate occasions and talked to him about the lack of passion and romance in our lives. He doesn't think there is a problem. Our lives have become so predictable and mundane, I could scream. His idea of romance is cleaning the house for me or asking me what I want to do. There is no spontaneity from him. No, nothing like the romance when we met, this is the same guy that planned a whole week of the proposal. Well, the last time that I talked to him in December, he didn't feel like anything was wrong between us and that I was being dramatic. Also, he was really put out by my feelings, like I was a burden with them. Everything is ok between us, as long as I don't bring my feelings into it. Instead of changing and making some effort on his part to be creative, he decided that we were going to move to my home state because I'm unhappy living were we currently are. No, I'm unhappy with him!


I just feel that the health issues play into the lack of romance dilemma. In addition to the lack on his part anymore. I also feel that we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum about our health now. While yes, it is his choice to live the unhealthy way he does, it's my choice not to stay and watch him slowly kill himself. The ironic thing is, I'm a RN and his mom a RN. 


Communication for us is how the weather is kind stuff, small talk. We don't talk about how we are feeling. We rarely talk about deep stuff. Sometimes I just don't have anything to say to him. I feel he is more of a roommate or a brother. I feel that he has gotten too comfortable in this relationship and has me right were he wants me and doesn't have to do anything to keep me. Do I love him, yes but, I'm not in love with him anymore. I care for him but, not to the point that I can continue if things don't change.

Staying with someone who don't want to change when the behavior only effects them is one thing. 

Staying with someone who don't want to change when the behavior effect others is a different thing.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore.

Thank you for your help, support and guidance!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

what do you expect?

you two are not involved or sharing in a consummate love and you likely do not have those set feelings towards him leading you to a true love nor does he have that. The reality of it is that you two are a good match and love each other yet but what type of love is it? you are considering divorce because you are unhappy and the reality of it is that you two are not as great of a fit as you think and that is what you are starting to realize. You are unhappy because your husband is not the way you imagined or liked and he does not want to change and is unwilling to take his health seriously. Your wishes and desires are not at all absurd however its unlikely you can change him as you are finding out thus your unhappiness is found and it its unlikely it will change so much.

Perhaps divorce is not a crazy idea at all you have to ask yourself if you truly love this person and if he truly loves you a deep love a "true love". Does it have passion, commitment, and intimacy? if it had those three things you wont ever leave each other or cheat, or divorce. I suspect it does not 


read on the triangular theory of love and find which love you think you have. Also your unhappiness can stop however you know how to make that happen and only you can change things and cause it stop. 

best of luck


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

That is a really short engagement. Especially for someone on their second or third go around. After the disaster I've been through separating with my STBXW who I've been married to for 8 years together for 14, I can't imagine getting married again however if it did happen there is going to be a long courtship along with living together for a long time before marriage....


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## bloodandfiregoddess (Mar 20, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> what do you expect?
> 
> you two are not involved or sharing in a consummate love and you likely do not have those set feelings towards him leading you to a true love nor does he have that. The reality of it is that you two are a good match and love each other yet but what type of love is it? you are considering divorce because you are unhappy and the reality of it is that you two are not as great of a fit as you think and that is what you are starting to realize. You are unhappy because your husband is not the way you imagined or liked and he does not want to change and is unwilling to take his health seriously. Your wishes and desires are not at all absurd however its unlikely you can change him as you are finding out thus your unhappiness is found and it its unlikely it will change so much.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response Goldmember.

You have opened my eyes and made me view this from a different aspect. And that truly helps.

There is more to our relationship that bothers me than I want to publicly say.

To answer your question about our relationship having passion, commitment and intimacy? No. No passion in or out of the bedroom. Commitment to a degree. Intimacy, I sleep on one side of the bed and he on the other, rarely do we cuddle. It has been like this for a a couple of years now. It is to the point I do not like to be touched by him.

What I do not get is...how can he not see anything is wrong? How can he be in so much denial if he does see it? I read up on the WAW syndrome last night. It was very insightful.

What do I expect? 

This is what I get for not being honest with myself or him in the very beginning. I have known this for quite some time.


Thanks on the advice about the triangular theory of love. I will read it and post my thoughts about what type of love.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

bloodandfiregoddess said:


> He states he does not want to eat healthy or do all the healthy things despite me explaining the consequences of not taking care of himself, think stroke and MI's.


*Do not attempt to nag him*. It doesn't work, it will make things worse. Find a male friend of his - or better yet, family member who he respects and will take advice from, and speak to them. It might be an idea to do this in a roundabout way. If we are talking about a friend of his, considering speaking to that friend and his wife as a couple.

Don't nag.

Seriously. Don't nag.



bloodandfiregoddess said:


> He reeks of cigarette smoke all the time, his breath is freaking awful to the point that I can smell it 3 feet away and it nauseates me, and his sexual performance is next to nothing in the bed room now. He can't last 5 minutes and that is all for the night when he is done. I will not kiss my husband at all, he goes to kiss me goodbye and I turn my head. I love to be kissed and I long to be kissed deeply but, not by him.


Ahhh .... that's different. You are being dishonest about why you want him to address his health. Like a guy who wants his fat girlfriend to lose weight "for her health". It never works.

Frankly - I don't have a lot of hope for you two.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I can't stand people who won't take care of their health. He is a ticking time bomb. For me that would be a deal breaker. I've told my h even before we got married if he ever has an illness and refuses to treat it I'm out. I will not enable someone to slowly kill themselves. 
If he has untreated diabetes he is lucky at this point that he can even get an erection. Chances are as time goes on he's going to screw up his circulation so badly that he won't be able to. 
If he is an alcoholic he is in denial about everything. He's not going to see that anything is wrong because he likes his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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