# Those who R, how do you get over everything?



## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

WH decided he doesn't want a divorce! The man cannot make up his mind and i keep doubting his reasons. He says that he wants a family yet won't quit, his EA is with a coworker. He has thought of her sexually, and he says this ain't about her. It's about our issues. He's rewriting history, sometimes completely inventing stuff. He sees me as unaccomplished and unsuccessful. He has been griping to people I exposed him to about my character and how I view life etc.and basically saying that for the duration of relationship he hasn't been able to talk to me and therefore he cheated. Just a load of mostly crap with a grain of truth I'm sure. He makes me literally not like him and even hate him. I know it's part of the fog, but how does one move forward with all of the damage? Like both parties have done their share of damage. Him with the affair and handling everything afterward and me with my bad reaction to both. Just don't see how R is possible, and have been thinking about those who have done it successfully, and how they have done it. Thanks. ETA: To clarify: I am not saying we are ready for R or that it is what I want. I'm just asking how people get to R when all this damage is there. How do you decide it's what you want and how do you get over all this hurt?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You cannot even begin to get over it and move on with a true reconciliation until the A is over and your H owns his crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not even close to R so stop think you are.Sorry but until WH stops all contact with OW it is pointless

Your old man is one big cake eater.

My fWW did the heavy lifting once NC was confirmed by me and her commitment was verified. Again I couldn't even consider R until the dynamic influence of the OM was gone...until then the only direction was divorce.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

You should decide what you want since he cheated then depending on that decision you could decide a plan of action if your decision is D then contact an atty and get the ball rolling if it is to stay married you would need to lay out some boundaries like No contact with the OW, which may include him leaving his job , marriage counciling, etc and he would need to do the heavy lifting as the above poster suggests, I would give him 10 seconds to decide either you or her . A marriage includes 2 people not 3 or more if that is what you believe then state that boundary and go from there 

Good Luck


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Just to clarify, I do not think we are close to R at all nor do I want it at this point. That's where this question stems from. How do people get to R when you can't stand your spouse. Like even if he stops seeing her and everything. How do you do it? I am attempting separation but he spends time with our child and it's mostly when I'm home. It makes it hard to just not talk to him or see him, the way I would if we didn't have a child. I'll spend time outside if it's nice and if it's cold I stay in my room. But point is, how do people get over all of this? Assuming WS commits to relationship, stops affair, etc. it's not like you can just in remember all of this stuff! And I hope my last sentence doesn't imply that I think people shouldn't attempt R, I'm just trying to gain insight on all of this.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Well, I stayed for the kids, with the goal of forming a civil relationship with my unfaithful wife for co-parenting. The rest grew back from there. Not something I could have planned.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

the very first ingredient to R is remorse followed immediately by NC. Until those two things are present you dont have anything to work with.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Regret214 and I have been working on reconciliation since March. I'll let you know if I ever "get over" everything.

Truth is, I don't think I can. I don't think anyone of us truly can. It seems it is a matter of what you can cope with regarding the affair and if you ever feel you can trust your spouse again.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

I guess maybe that's why I can't envision R now, because there is no remorse (he said he's sorry, but that's not remorse) and there is no NC.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

IMHO you can't reconcile with somebody you can't stand. There has to be something there! I understand where you are coming from but if I couldn't stand my H I wouldn't have even considered R. I offered him R because I saw how truly sorry and devastated he was and because I still loved him. I truly believed we had a marriage worth fighting for. It hasn't been easy, but its what we both want.
It's difficult for you to comprehend R from a place of love and Forgivness when WH is still hurting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> IMHO you can't reconcile with somebody you can't stand. There has to be something there! I understand where you are coming from but if I couldn't stand my H I wouldn't have even considered R. I offered him R because I saw how truly sorry and devastated he was and because I still loved him. I truly believed we had a marriage worth fighting for. It hasn't been easy, but its what we both want.
> *It's difficult for you to comprehend R from a place of love and Forgivness when WH is still hurting you.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that just answered it for me. I think because I attempted R before and he didn't respond, and because he's been hurting me for a long time now, that I shut down and don't want to see him for anything other than insert name du jour.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I just want to comment on what you said in your first post, "the man can't make up his mind."

This view of what he's doing is the "layperson's" attitude about cheating. By layperson, I mean, the average person who hasn't been betrayed, or if they have been betrayed, they have not learned much about infidelity in general beyond their own situation. That is NORMAL, by the way! I spent about 3 years in that state of affairs myself (pun intended).

The man CAN make up his mind--but he doesn't want to. MOST cheaters don't want to choose--they want it all! That is why affairs are so god-awful.

Cheaters enjoy the security of marriage. If they didn't, they'd just divorce you before you could blink an eye and you wouldn't know what hit you. No--he gains something by staying married, and it sounds like at this rate he will continue in this situation indefinitely until he's forced to pick one. That is why cheating is known as "cake eating" (have cake & eat it too). Choosing is the furthest thing from his mind.

My husband said a few cruel things while he was into his emotional affair. He is tremendously sorry for them now. He also picked fights. Your WH is demonstrating a distancing mechanism that allows him to mentally justify what he's doing--he couldn't be cruel to a good person, so you must be "bad." 

The only way I was able to work past these hurtful statements was for my H to show penitence and remorse. PLUS, loving kindness to repair the hurt. But someone in an affair just isn't capable of thinking this way. It's psychological compartmenalization--in a mentally healthy person, true comprehension of their selfishness and cruelty would make them break down mentally--how is it possible to be empathetic and selfish at the same time?


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I just want to comment on what you said in your first post, "the man can't make up his mind."
> 
> This view of what he's doing is the "layperson's" attitude about cheating. By layperson, I mean, the average person who hasn't been betrayed, or if they have been betrayed, they have not learned much about infidelity in general beyond their own situation. That is NORMAL, by the way! I spent about 3 years in that state of affairs myself (pun intended).
> 
> ...


Thank you. This is well said.


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