# Why do you put up with this *%^$?



## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

I am seriously starting to become convinced that sometimes, we love out of habit. Having read the posts of so many on TAM and then gone over mine as well, I just started thinking to myself - why the HELL do people (I) put up with so much crap that screws up their lives. Things that must at least take off a few weeks or months off of one's life span if nothing else.

All such posts will have the line - "...but I love him/her. S/he is a great father/mother". I just feel so ......." There must be something other than codependency to answer this question. Heck, I wouldn't put up with a job where I get treated this way. I would not be part of a sports team where I am constantly made to feel like I was dumb. I would never put up with being manipulated, hit, or sworn at by my parents, friends, employer, coaches (?), etc but like sweat - we put up with these crappy behaviour from our wives/husbands - Why?!:scratchhead: We keep thinking things will change but forget that it doesn't rain in hell. We keep holding on to marriage vows and promises but forget that the other person also made vows to us too. Might this martyr's mentality be a way of us making ourselves feel good that we are the one's doing what's right and aren't the selfish party? 

There must be something sadistic about human nature when it comes to romantic relationships. Any thoughts TAMers?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Usually people gravitate towards what they are used to or familiar with, yes even if its bad behavior, or not so good things etc. 

Most of the time I would think too, lack of self worth plays a huge part in why they continue on in the pattern or situation they are in. Once they develop some self worth/respect, they will no longer allow certain bad/negative behaviors, people or events to continue.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Aside from the fact that all of our thresholds for what we put up with differ, I can't really say! Maybe because when people get married (ideally) it's for life? I've only been married a year. My husband is not so bad; we had some issues that brought me here initially, and we are continuing to work on them...he hasn't pulled any dealbreakers (yet), so I am staying with him 

BUT - anyone putting up with abuse such as you describe in your OP, iBolt, should be doing something about it, not just letting it happen and waiting for it to rain in hell (stop on its own).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I believe a lot of us have conflicting values that paralyze us. To use an over-simplified example: 

Value 1: "I should leave an abusive husband." 
Value 2: "I should make sure my children have an intact family."
Value 3: "I shouldn't have to rely on other people (but will need to if I leave.)
Value 4: "I'm supposed to be understanding, nurturing, nice." 

It can be hard to make decisions when no decision lets us remain true to our values.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

iBolt said:


> * We keep thinking things will change* but forget that it doesn't rain in hell. *We keep holding on to marriage vows and promises but forget that the other person also made vows to us too*.


That's what makes it so hard to think about R.... 

I know no ones perfect, but come on.... they broke their vows to us... 

I know the vows say "for better or worse",,, but they looked for another "better",,, while they gave us their worse... we say that the cheaters have to do the heavy lifting,, but who really does it, the BS!! 
WE are expected to forgive, we have to REtrust, we have to make an effort to show more affection or make love more, we have to change to try to ensure our spouse doesn't "need" to go outside the marriage for what ever they were "denied"...

I'm not saying they don't have to do work too, but to me the hardest thing for them is having to go NC with the AP.... 


We have to wonder every day for the rest of our marriage "if" we were just settled for? If they only did what was right, not what they would of rather of done?

(Sorry, I posted this about cheating,, not sure if you were only talking on a particular subject)?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Not to downplay my own codependency and lack of boundaries/self-esteem. But our conditioning also plays a huge part as well, and not necessarily in a negative way.

I group up my whole life thinking marriage was forever.

I committed in front of God, my pastor, and our families, that I was going to be with my wife for better or WORSE for the REST OF OUR LIVES. So yeah I'm not going to take that lightly. If stuff gets a little ugly, I'm going to try and work through it.

Obviously there's a limit to that. For me it was penis' other than mine, inside of my wife.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm not the unconditional Lover type.... I wouldn't hold on to vows over happiness and fullfillment in a marraige.... it takes 2.

I'd require a partner on board, caring, and sympathetic to the issues that were destroying our communication, understanding of each other, broken intimacy, lost harmony....

Without a willingness to take the bull by the horns (together) to surge through with a plan to get our feet back on the ground - back to the foundation we once laid at the beginning...... we'd have nothing to work with... it'd be like me allowing him to tie my hands behind my back. Resentment would grow like wildfire.

Never been in these shoes, but I know me, I'd never have the patience for it, I wouldn't bow to bad treatment... I'm very reasonable to work with, would do my best to come half way... but not if one wants to be a son of a B & throw his half to the wind. 

I don't believe I would stay for the childen either, I would be worthless to them if I was miserable within my own home.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

The world is a horrible place and filled with pathetic people. Its sad but true

In the future our thinking that persists so vividly today will become obsolete people will deal away with excessive amounts of materialism, narcissism among other character flaws. The lower intelligent beings will become extinct and we shall have a society filled with an intelligent motivated and good population of optimistic beings. Those who do not destroy themselves and are so quick to give into temptation! the human species right now has much growing up to do a good portion of today's people do nothing but place a burden on the evolution of man kind its directly related towards that of their intelligence and rather lack of intelligence as the bulk of people lack a the ability to truly reason. The evidence is everywhere of how humans destroy themselves and yet cry over their own actions they do it to themselves and expect sympathy is what is truly amusing.

If only they could grow up and see beyond their narrow views and past a fogged window chasing a dream that does not exist. I have little faith in most people rather i put my faith and optimism towards that of the intelligent who advance man kind the rest of the populace i hold little sympathy for except the truly innocent but for the rest of adults they get what they put into the world. Sometimes brash brute truth is what they deserve to hear but it falls so often on shallow and weak ears they are quick to turn to gaze towards something else and wonder helplessly in a dark sea and gaze into an abyss. Not noting to look above their petty issues and note the compassion and exploration that exists in us if it were not for the greed and selfishness that so exists we should be above our current living condition. But this shall be changed in the not to far future as humanity will be forced to look at itself and address its problems. Today's ideologies will die off to make way for what is vital to the betterment of humanity.




I hope this post is not seen as rude i am not wishing to state you are all pathetic rather that the world is in a pathetic state it is in many ways unstable and chaotic. Humans are capable of much more and yet we fail thus i call it pathetic in that we have not achieved a more stable world.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why? Because of hope, simple as that.

I stayed in a sexless marriage for way too long because I hoped it would change.

Now I know to teach my children that everyone has a right to be happy and if you are not happy change where you are, who you are with or what you are doing.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

trey69 said:


> Usually people gravitate towards what they are used to or familiar with, yes even if its bad behavior, or not so good things etc.
> 
> *Most of the time I would think too, lack of self worth plays a huge part in why they continue on in the pattern or situation they are in. *Once they develop some self worth/respect, they will no longer allow certain bad/negative behaviors, people or events to continue.


:iagree:

I think this post basically covers it.

I put it down to a lack of self respect. 
Some of it is learned a response . 
So the wife stays with the serial cheater husband because she is familiar with the feeling of abandonment maybe somewhere in her childhood.
The husband tolerates a wife who constantly berates him because he feels deep down that he is not man enough for her.
Its a vicious cycle.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that we tolerate things from our family that we would never accept from our friends or from our workplace. We feel that family is inviolate, and we cannot exchange family members easily.

We cannot see family members clearly because we have learned to overlook their faults in trying to live with them. We all have to make compromises in living with other people. It is hard to see when those compromises cross the line into becoming abusive. 

People are also tied financially to each other; do not want to leave their children; or are afraid of being alone or starting over by themselves.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> The world is a horrible place and filled with pathetic people. Its sad but true
> 
> In the future our thinking that persists so vividly today will become obsolete people will deal away with excessive amounts of materialism, narcissism among other character flaws. The lower intelligent beings will become extinct and we shall have a society filled with an intelligent motivated and good population of optimistic beings. Those who do not destroy themselves and are so quick to give into temptation! the human species right now has much growing up to do a good portion of today's people do nothing but place a burden on the evolution of man kind its directly related towards that of their intelligence and rather lack of intelligence as the bulk of people lack a the ability to truly reason. The evidence is everywhere of how humans destroy themselves and yet cry over their own actions they do it to themselves and expect sympathy is what is truly amusing.
> 
> If only they could grow up and see beyond their narrow views and past a fogged window chasing a dream that does not exist. I have little faith in most people rather i put my faith and optimism towards that of the intelligent who advance man kind the rest of the populace i hold little sympathy for except the truly innocent but for the rest of adults they get what they put into the world. Sometimes brash brute truth is what they deserve to hear but it falls so often on shallow and weak ears they are quick to turn to gaze towards something else and wonder helplessly in a dark sea and gaze into an abyss. Not noting to look above their petty issues and note the compassion and exploration that exists in us if it were not for the greed and selfishness that so exists we should be above our current living condition. But this shall be changed in the not to far future as humanity will be forced to look at itself and address its problems. Today's ideologies will die off to make way for what is vital to the betterment of humanity.


:scratchhead: Are you Democrat or Republican?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I believe a lot of us have conflicting values that paralyze us. To use an over-simplified example:
> 
> Value 1: "I should leave an abusive husband."
> Value 2: "I should make sure my children have an intact family."
> ...


I think, speaking for myself, I have a lot of these conflicting values. I may also just be too comfortable and perhaps even "lazy". When the time comes, I'll know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I think, speaking for myself, I have a lot of these conflicting values. I may also just be too comfortable and perhaps even "lazy". When the time comes, I'll know it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is partly the reason why NC during the eventual separation period becomes so darn hard. We love out of habit and just want to continue in our lazy ways. The crap you know is better than the ones you don't know.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree. In my case, NC will be an impossibility, but I will be able to limit it to just child-related things when the time comes. 

More and more I question whether or not I do love my husband... Since I believe that "love" is a "verb" I am actively showing him that I love him - to a fault, I guess, since I am probably actually reinforcing things in his mind. Despite that, I cannot bring myself to believe that he actually loves me, (again - seeing love as a "verb").

I've had little trouble leaving past boyfriends, so I can see that having a child together makes a HUGE difference in (my) mindset. I also know that one day I'll move on without a doubt. I just need to exhaust every option before I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

iBolt said:


> :scratchhead: Are you Democrat or Republican?


lol

neither. The idea or belief that 1 political party supersedes or is superior to the other is absurd. Id prefer to not limit my views to that of two radical extreme ends that people so viciously fight over which is that of two pointless political parities. Democrat or Republican? Like i said id prefer to not limit my views to that of political extreme parties because people love to judge so when wanting to have a conversation with someone they will assert they know everything about you based off your association with one truly unimportant political party or that of of another group you may wish to associate yourself with. 

Btw our presidents are not elected by us their exists a heir-achy a vast heir-archy. But i wish to not dig into that subject right now.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I agree. In my case, NC will be an impossibility, but I will be able to limit it to just child-related things when the time comes.
> 
> More and more I question whether or not I do love my husband... Since I believe that "love" is a "verb" I am actively showing him that I love him - to a fault, I guess, since I am probably actually reinforcing things in his mind. Despite that, I cannot bring myself to believe that he actually loves me, (again - seeing love as a "verb").
> 
> ...


Ha! But it is this exhausting every option business that I am thinking to myself is somewhat sadistic. I am divorced and re-married and the latter is terribly shaky at the mo. In fact we're separated. Looking back at my first divorce - I don't know if I could ever say I did everything. When I do break things down, I know I did the best I could over a period of time before filing for divorce. I guess what I am saying is that we chose to go through pain, extreme anguish, humiliation and then defeat before giving up the ghost on a dead donkey. Why? 

Is it that we just want the fulfillment that comes from being able to say I did my best (when in fact and in most cases, hindsight might suggest otherwise though one is happier now). I think there is something about age, experience and maturity that increases our capacity to put up with things. No?

Heck I read the stuff that some folks have been through here and I am like whoa!!!


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> lol
> 
> neither. The idea or belief that 1 political party supersedes or is superior to the other is absurd. Id prefer to not limit my views to that of two radical extreme ends that people so viciously fight over which is that of two pointless political parities. Democrat or Republican? Like i said id prefer to not limit my views to that of political extreme parties because people love to judge so when wanting to have a conversation with someone they will assert they know everything about you based off your association with one truly unimportant political party or that of of another group you may wish to associate yourself with.
> 
> Btw our presidents are not elected by us their exists a heir-achy a vast heir-archy. But i wish to not dig into that subject right now.


Thank you.


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