# Emotionally unstable



## username101 (Jun 14, 2012)

Yesterday, my wife and I went shopping for some last minute travel goods. We're going on a much need vacation.

On our way home we saw fireworks from where we were and enjoyed them. Before getting home I knew that my wife had to deal with her mother and I told her that no matter what, to not get into an argument with her. Her mother knows how to push her buttons and create drama. 

Unfortunately, a glass of wine later and she was in a rage almost. She had the wine to 'calm herself down' but this only fueled the beast. It was a temper tantrum of epic proportions. While my mother-in-law was at fault, my wife over-reacted as she has done in the past, thus my asking her NOT to react to her mother BEFORE getting home.

Today, since I'm not really working, I decided to take care of house chores. I did things at my own pace, washed the dishes, swept the floors, did the laundry. The house wasn't spotless but it was on it's way to being ready for us to leave. Nobody likes to come home from a vacation to a dirty house.

My wife got home late and almost instantly was all up in my face about how hard she works, how she has to do this and that, why I waited to certain things until that time. Like I said, I was working at my pace so by the time she got home I was still getting things done. She thought I had waited until she was on her way home to start doing these chores.

Then she went back and forth between "Why are you getting angry at me?" Because I wasn't taking any of her BS when I'm the one doing the work at home, to "I'm not angry with you I'm angry with myself." Saying that she feels lazy that she didn't make the time to clean. She starts talking about waking up at 3am in the morning to start cleaning. That won't happen. She goes back and forth between what sounds like blaming me for not doing enough to blaming herself. In the end, she's not happy with either of us it seems.

I told her that she had work tomorrow, I didn't. I said I'd take care of the rest tomorrow since I've got the day off again. I would have continued cleaning but she got all upset again saying that if I were cleaning she wouldn't be able to sleep, something that's never been an issue before since I do work at home on occasion and that can be until the early hours of the morning. It seemed that there was nothing I could do (Or not do) that would appease her.

We leave the day after tomorrow. I told her that this was a time to be a little more excited and a little less stressed. Once we're out of the country, who cares what little bit of dust didn't get swept up or a piece of laundry hanging up somewhere it shouldn't. It all fell on deaf ears.

I'm being very calm about the whole situation. I'm trying not to crack open a bottle of alcohol to drown out what I really want to say, which wouldn't be very nice. Then again, I wonder if my lack of confrontation is what's giving her the advantage. In all honesty, if this continues well into tomorrow, I've probably got it in me to cancel the entire trip and let her sort through her issues over the next week. But then again I can see that backfiring on me.

We both work. I work less but make more. I do more house work overall but she doesn't see it. She likes things done her way. I like things done my way. I don't like being told I can't do something my way when it's me that's doing the work. She's the same, but she just can't grasp that someone might have a different way of cleaning/working/handling difficult situations.

I'm not sure if this is a rant or if I'm asking for advice or what...I'm tired. My relationship is killing me slowly.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

username101 said:


> Before getting home I knew that my wife had to deal with her mother and I told her that no matter what, to not get into an argument with her...Ufortunately, a glass of wine later and she was in a rage


Does your MIL live with you or live close by? That can be a struggle for a lot of people, especially if the in-law is one to put their nose into your business, which it sounds like she does. It is hard to tell them to butt out as the related spouse will defend the actions of the in-law. It can be a lose-lose situation.

Have you sat your wife (alone) down and had a calm, frank discussion with her about the issue of having your MIL getting between you and your wife? Unless she can see the problem, she will forever interact with her mother and your MIL will continue what she does, with the usual results. She needs to learn to disengage from her mother and for this she may need to attend some counseling. She needs to be able to see the conflict that is caused and how it affects your relationship.



username101 said:


> My wife got home late and almost instantly was all up in my face about how hard she works, how she has to do this and that, why I waited to certain things until that time.


What was she expecting, a five course dinner ready on the table? I think it is an unrealistic expectation that you be waiting on her hand and foot just because she came home. You had a day off but were taking care of the home. Who is in a hurry to that kind of stuff? You had a valid response.



username101 said:


> Saying that she feels lazy that she didn't make the time to clean...In the end, she's not happy with either of us it seems.


Another reason for some counseling. We all get busy at work and the house can suffer. Why is she blaming herself so much? Bet her mother gets on her case about being lazy...



username101 said:


> I wonder if my lack of confrontation is what's giving her the advantage.


I would not call it an advantage if you stand your ground and she does not agree. It just means she doesn't see it your way, happens all the time. Just be calm and firm with your side and don't back down. No yelling, sceaming, or throwing things. She may not agree, but she will respect that you have a backbone.



username101 said:


> She likes things done her way. I like things done my way. I don't like being told I can't do something my way when it's me that's doing the work.


Compromise and communication are key in a relationship. I think, again, it is an unrealistic expectation of hers that you do everything her way (and vice versa). If the job gets done satisfactory, who cares how it got done? However, you should both be willing to compromise if there is a valid reason to do something a certain way. For instance, you re-install the oil drain plug before you put oil back in the car. Otherwise it is all over the floor...

Sort of like when the wife and I fold shirts, we both do it different. I like it compact to allow more shirts in the drawer, she likes it flat to allow a higher stack in the drawer. Achieves the same basic effect either way. Personnaly, I am grateful when my wife takes care of stuff around the house, one less thing I have to do. And I let her know that verbally.

Communicate with your wife about the issues. She may not like the way things get done, but if she can see that the job is done and benefit from the extra time she has, what is there to complain about? Your MIL must be a real thrill to have around as the apple usually does not fall far from the tree.



username101 said:


> My relationship is killing me slowly.


This is a telling statement. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of a load of crap all the time. 

If you have no kids, I would evaluate for yourself the benefit this relationship has for you. Are you getting what you need (Emotionally, physically, mentally)? Your wife sounds like a wreck to me, in dire need of some help. If she cannot see that and do something about it, I might consider leaving...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

username101 said:


> Before getting home I knew that my wife had to deal with her mother and I told her that no matter what, to not get into an argument with her. Her mother knows how to push her buttons and create drama.


Avoiding an argument won't solve her mommy problems. The anger she has towards her mother is now down to the cellular level. Just THINKING about her mother has the potential to send her into a rage. Been there done that and have the $13K therapy bill to prove it. 

All that's going on is that she's simply angry at the WRONG PERSON. And unfortunately you could tell her this a million times and she likely won't get it. What you will need to do is to learn how to NOT let her dump her anger onto you. I don't have time to explain how to do this - too much for one post but it can be done. You need some strong boundaries so you can stop being her emotional punching bag because that's exactly what you are.

And yes you are correct if you don't stop it....it will probably kill you. Literally.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

username101 said:


> I knew that my wife had to deal with her mother


Uh, no she doesn't. Start by protecting your marriage from outside stress. Worked great for us


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

One of the greatest things my hubby ever did was taking the phone from me one day and telling my mother 'don't ever call here again and upset my wife or you'll have to deal with me'.

Could he make the decision for me to cut off contact with a toxic mother? No. But his support and his verbilizing that he too had limits that she was violating by upsetting me or him really gave me a lot to think about. I did end up cutting off all contact with her. Our lives have been so much better without that evil in it.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Something I learned the hard way was to warn my wife to not get angry at an upcoming confrontation. This just got her prepared to get all the more angry, and now she had me as a target.

Also, my wife tends to get really stressed right before a long trip because she feels like she has to get EVERYTHING in order before we leave. To me your wife sounds much the same. This, plus the hassle from her mom and the added stress of her to not get angry is just making her that much more stressed.

I also agree with Calvin and Hobbes that the fact that you think your relationship is killing you is really important, but for a different reason. If what you're saying is an isolated incident, it may just be her way of dealing with a situation that's really stressful to her. But it sounds to me that you're already unhappy in the relationship, and this just one more log on the fire.

I'm a SAHD myself, and we've had similar arguments as you concerning distribution of chores. This is going to sound terribly sexist of me, but there are still women who are very protective of their household and feel totally responsible for it's upkeep. So when you're wife yells at you for cleaning up the house, it may just be because she's frustrated because she can't do what she feels is her job.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You need to remember which events 'trigger' (I hate that term) outbursts. Today for instance son and wife are engaged in a death struggle that's devolved into him threatening to drop out of college and her threatening to disown him. Over whether he should get a car or not (he's 21). All morning's been screaming and door slamming and storming out of the house. This is fairly typical anytime you approach my wife with anything new, anything that involves her making a decision, anything involving money and particularly, anything she perceives as threatening her death grip of control over everything. He, for his part has his numbers and arguments in pretty good shape but he's stubborn and once you push back he goes ballistic. 

I suspect later today I will have to intervene and take the arrows from both of them. But anyone who's familiar with the dynamic here at Casa de Canine could tell you with total certainty this was going to happen. It always happens. 

The point is, if you know it will happen and you know HOW it will happen there's no need to get in the middle of it precisely when there's nothing you can do about it. Wait until a time you CAN do something about it. And recognize the pattern of behavior that typically gets repeated over and over and over. Don't try to change that - you can't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I know I get stressed out with travel and also with decision making. Over time I've learned to give myself plenty of space for the _enjoyable_ task of packing for trips and the _leisure_ to say I need time to process a decision (maybe days). What I don't like is packing on short notice or when getting interrupted with unrelated tasks and cognitive demands. I actually really enjoy packing, it's the interruptions to the packing that would stress me out. But if I have time and space to pack, I'm happy as a clam. I'm going camping in a week and am making a staging area in my kids (unoccupied this week) bedroom. I can make my little piles and make a list of stuff to bring on a camping trip in future...(I used to have such a list but it was when I had a crew in diapers, things have changed...) I'm happy, happy, happy. I get to pack and enjoy the process, the culmination will come when I drive up the 4x8 UHaul and transfer my stuff from the staging area to the trailer and head on out. I have a separate list for the groceries to get in advance and what I can buy locally...

Same thing goes for decision making. For some reason in the past when people present me all of a sudden with an idea that I'm supposed to have an answer for, I would get upset (even if I didn't show it) at being put on the spot. Now I'll say I need time to think about it and see how I feel. I explain that not all of my decisions are based on numbers and facts, I like to have time to think outside the box on the pros and cons and the different ramifications positive and negative that might occur. Actually, I don't even say that. What I say is that I need time to hold the idea in my center and wait for discernment, spiritual discernment. If someone presents me with facts and numbers and some rational model I tell them it's all Greek to me, I'm brain damaged and can't make rational/logic-based decisions, and in fact these never really worked out for me in practice anyway. I just say I need time and I will get back to them, if I'm pestered I say it won't help. If I'm not in control of a decision and it's just buy in someone is looking for, or perhaps a place to lay the blame if something goes wrong, I'll call the requestor out on it. Problem solved, not my issue. You want something, you take the risk. I'm not a hedge fund! 

Still, this has come with practice. Also I was brain injured and traumatized simultaneously, so I was forced to develop new ways to relate and to process information. I was able to say I needed time and space, and I hate to say it, but my requests are now honored more often than not because I have a brain injury, and it's like swimming upstream, people realize that there is no way to make me accept interruptions, I'm just going to plod along at my own pace on tasks that are assigned to me. I give the framework of time and space that I need and now it's accepted whereas before someone would force their own time and space requirements upon me and say that was good enough, that's the time it took them and no problem with interruptions. Actually, because I did advocate for my needs even before my brain injury, this was abusive, but that's a different story. If the OP's wife doesn't ask for the actual time and space she needs to prepare for something or to make a decision in her own time and manner, then she needs to do so. Not have a hissy fit. Part of being a grown up is taking care of yourself, since we live in societal groups, this means learning to communicate and also to set proper boundaries that others don't have to freakin' guess about. It's the kind thing to do. For oneself and for others. And it's the kind thing to do to honor those constraints and needs when they are clearly defined and communicated and requested. Not to do so, as I pointed out, is abusive, no matter how little sense it might make to someone, it's still a legitimate request. Not everyone has the same neural processes when it comes to doing different activities or making decisions. In fact, we are so different in actual neural processing because of the many many different possible pathways that can develop in a human brain due to adaptation to environment that it's amazing that we have a society at all where people take trips and even think to engage others in decisions like buying cars. Some people's neural processes are so different in fact that if they need a car, they just find one to hotwire and get in and drive. Then they leave the car wherever they are done with it. lol. They would never think of asking their mother for permission.  As for trips, consider the Aboriginal walk-about. You feel the need for a trip, you start walking. No biggie.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Update from Casa de Canine. Son and wife declare new treaty and wife will lend him her car for the time being. Wife will take my car.


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