# Is Youth an Excuse for Cheating?



## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

I was having a conversation with my friend who is debating whether or not to get back with an ex. 

She explained to me that when they first started dating, they were in their early 20s. He had joined the military and was going through his party phase of heavy drinking every weekend, drugs, and strip clubs. He ended up cheating on her.

She and him are now in their late 20s and she is considering giving him a chance again. She said that she believes he has matured and his actions stemmed from his immaturity.

I held off from giving her my full opinion. I said to simply not fully trust until he shows that he can be trusted. Otherwise, it is her right as an adult to do what she wishes.

However, I could not fully accept the maturity theory. For me, I take it as a measure of character and that he revealed his character. I however may be too strict and I may not be allowing people to mature.

Is cheating at a young age mainly due to immaturity or character?


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

Youth is not an excuse for cheating, in itself. Young adults still know right from wrong.

But maturity can undo some of the things that caused a person to cheat. It's a case by case sort of thing.

If the cheating was a drunken party hookup, and he no longer parties, there might be hope. If we're talking about a full blown affair, probably not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People are maturing into adulthood years later than a generation ago so it's not an excuse but it IS a reason for.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nope.

And to @OpenWindows's argument, it's pretty unlikely that the guy will never drink or never go to a party ever again.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

When talking about young 20's males I call it testosterone poisoning. It can take a while to learn to control yourself. Of course there are those who are just philanderers but if you are not in that group yes change is possible.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

anonmd said:


> When talking about young 20's males I call it testosterone poisoning. It can take a while to learn to control yourself. Of course there are those who are just philanderers but if you are not in that group yes change is possible.


I guess for me, I have trouble accepting this as valid, though I am a woman so I never went through such a thing, though I have a hard time accepting that biology can control our moral choices.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> Youth is not an excuse for cheating, in itself. Young adults still know right from wrong.
> 
> But maturity can undo some of the things that caused a person to cheat. It's a case by case sort of thing.
> 
> If the cheating was a drunken party hookup, and he no longer parties, there might be hope. If we're talking about a full blown affair, probably not.


We are talking about a full blown affair specifically. Sexting, hook ups and so on.

However, I am still interesting in discussing about this in general


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

VirgenTecate said:


> We are talking about a full blown affair specifically. Sexting, hook ups and so on.
> 
> However, I am still interesting in discussing about this in general


No way, bad idea. This guy should be left in the past!

But in general, I don't really believe the philosophy that "a cheater is a cheater is a cheater". People make mistakes, and I can see a difference between a drunken transgression, and calculated lying and hiding things. Good people make mistakes (especially when they're young), but I see a full blown affair as an indicator of deeper character flaws.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

VirgenTecate said:


> I guess for me, I have trouble accepting this as valid, though I am a woman so I never went through such a thing, though I have a hard time accepting that biology can control our moral choices.


You said "ex", were they married?

My response is predicated on not being married. Most 20, 21 22 year old males are NOT ready to get married.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> No way. Bad idea.
> 
> But in general, I don't really believe the philosophy that "a cheater is a cheater is a cheater". People make mistakes, and I can see a difference between a drunken transgression, and calculated lying and hiding things. Good people make mistakes (especially when they're young), but I see a full blown affair as an indicator of deeper character flaws.


I agree with both posts you have made here particularly how youth isn't the cause or an excuse but can be a factor into why someone makes certain decisions and with maturity they can choose a different path.

I think for me, that I would still consider a drunken one night stand to be a major transgression because it involved a multitude of decisions where one's moral compass could have kicked in. For me, any PA would end it for me, but I can see how mistakes can lead someone down the road to an EA. Just my personal view on it, not that you must agree.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

anonmd said:


> You said "ex", were they married?
> 
> My response is predicated on not being married. Most 20, 21 22 year old males are NOT ready to get married.


They were not married at the time but he says he wants to marry her and she does as well. I am interested in this in general. Would you want to marry someone who told you that they cheated on someone in their early 20s? Would that make you hesitate or not?

Most 20, 21, 22 year old females are not ready to get married as well but we do not excuse their cheating as easily. I am not trying to turn this into a feminist or MRA debate. I am just trying to expand the conversation.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I probably wouldn't date someone who had cheated on me in the past. The hurt would be too personal, and too hard to get past.

I might consider it, if they had cheated on someone else, once, and felt it was a mistake. It would depend on the person, their ex, the state of the relationship when it happened. But I would still be wary.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

VirgenTecate said:


> They were not married at the time but he says he wants to marry her and she does as well. I am interested in this in general. Would you want to marry someone who told you that they cheated on someone in their early 20s? Would that make you hesitate or not?
> 
> Most 20, 21, 22 year old females are not ready to get married as well but we do not excuse their cheating as easily. I am not trying to turn this into a feminist or MRA debate. I am just trying to expand the conversation.



I think it is different in general between the sexes. You are both say 21, not ready for marriage dated for a bit, now you are in a relationship for say a year. First of all, if a 21 year old male says he wants to marry you it's most likely a "yeah, this seems half way decent, maybe in 10 years". If some opportunity in the form of another hot girl comes along in the right situation with a little booze involved - easily distracted, no problem. If he's a good guy probably regrets it later, if not, not. 

For the female, I know and have heard of many examples where she cheats as a way of breaking up. Doesn't make her terrible or an endless cheater later in life because later she'll handle it differently.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

VirgenTecate said:


> I was having a conversation with my friend who is debating whether or not to get back with an ex.
> 
> She explained to me that when they first started dating, they were in their early 20s. He had joined the military and was going through his party phase of heavy drinking every weekend, drugs, and strip clubs. He ended up cheating on her.
> 
> ...


I would say this:

"Don't come to me when he cheats on you again after you have a couple kids."


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

marduk said:


> I would say this:
> 
> "Don't come to me when he cheats on you again after you have a couple kids."


Hahaha. Surely something I wanted to say, but didn't think it was worth the argument.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

VirgenTecate said:


> Hahaha. Surely something I wanted to say, but didn't think it was worth the argument.


Respectfully. For being a good enough friend for her to come to, you sure seem afraid or unwilling to be straight up with her.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

anonmd said:


> I think it is different in general between the sexes. You are both say 21, not ready for marriage dated for a bit, now you are in a relationship for say a year. First of all, if a 21 year old male says he wants to marry you it's most likely a "yeah, this seems half way decent, maybe in 10 years". If some opportunity in the form of another hot girl comes along in the right situation with a little booze involved - easily distracted, no problem. If he's a good guy probably regrets it later, if not, not.
> 
> For the female, I know and have heard of many examples where she cheats as a way of breaking up. Doesn't make her terrible or an endless cheater later in life because later she'll handle it differently.


For me, while the average 20 year old male or female may act in such ways, I find it an insufficient argument to say that it does not have an effect on their morality but simply that the average morality is lacking. 

But that is my position. Thank you for sharing yours. And while that sounds sarcastic it is hard to translate my voice over words. My intention is not to be sarcastic at all.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

marduk said:


> Respectfully. For being a good enough friend for her to come to, you sure seem afraid or unwilling to be straight up with her.


I wouldn't say I am that great of a friend. We are workplace friends. We can count on each other to keep each other up to date on projects and we may go out to get lunch, but I wouldn't consider her close. 

Perhaps that still makes my unwillingness to intervene immoral and due to a laziness in not wanting to shake up the workplace. A few years back I would have said something. However, I felt I burned myself out on giving my opinions in relationships I considered less important. I still am trying to find the middle ground. Perhaps I have gotten too loose?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

VirgenTecate said:


> I wouldn't say I am that great of a friend. We are workplace friends. We can count on each other to keep each other up to date on projects and we may go out to get lunch, but I wouldn't consider her close.
> 
> Perhaps that still makes my unwillingness to intervene immoral and due to a laziness in not wanting to shake up the workplace. A few years back I would have said something. However, I felt I burned myself out on giving my opinions in relationships I considered less important. I still am trying to find the middle ground. Perhaps I have gotten too loose?


Ah, I get it and understand. Weird that she came to you with this. 

Maybe her friends have been giving her similar advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

VirgenTecate said:


> For me, while the average 20 year old male or female may act in such ways, I find it an insufficient argument to say that it does not have an effect on their morality but simply that the average morality is lacking.
> 
> But that is my position. Thank you for sharing yours. And while that sounds sarcastic it is hard to translate my voice over words. My intention is not to be sarcastic at all.


I just think 20 year old minds are not as fully baked as you believe I think. It would be nice if they were, maybe some are...


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

marduk said:


> Ah, I get it and understand. Weird that she came to you with this.
> 
> Maybe her friends have been giving her similar advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think I am anyone special. Have you ever met anyone who just tells you their relationships without you really knowing them? 

I have given her advice on this situation before. Once, and not again, and I told her I didn't agree. Her friends, who were people who cheated in their youth, have given her the opposite advice that she should give him a second chance. I know she will go for him. I think she came back to me because I was the dissenter.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

anonmd said:


> I just think 20 year old minds are not as fully baked as you believe I think. It would be nice if they were, maybe some are...


I have a 20 year old brother. He is definitely "fully baked", as in constantly stoned, LOL. I look at him sometimes and think of myself when I was his age (I'm 31 now). Back then, I totally thought I was an adult and had it all figured out, and wow was I wrong! He thinks the same of himself...

So yeah, I agree with you on this. My brain worked very differently back then. I had no idea how immature I was, and how bad some of my decisions were. Back then, I would have known cheating was wrong... but it would have been easier for me to justify falling into the "gray area", so to speak. You know - we were on a break... BF wasn't nice to me anyway... it's okay as long as I break up with BF right after... that sort of thing.

I've never cheated, but I can see the capacity of a grown-up kid to rationalize that sort of thing, up to a point.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

OpenWindows said:


> I have a 20 year old brother. He is definitely "fully baked", as in constantly stoned, LOL. I look at him sometimes and think of myself when I was his age (I'm 31 now). Back then, I totally thought I was an adult and had it all figured out, and wow was I wrong! He thinks the same of himself...
> 
> So yeah, I agree with you on this. My brain worked very differently back then. I had no idea how immature I was, and how bad some of my decisions were. Back then, I would have known cheating was wrong... but it would have been easier for me to justify falling into the "gray area", so to speak. You know - we were on a break... BF wasn't nice to me anyway... it's okay as long as I break up with BF right after... that sort of thing.
> 
> I've never cheated, but I can see the capacity of a grown-up kid to rationalize that sort of thing, up to a point.


Yes, I completly agree with you once again.

I do however do not think it is beyond a 20 year old to understand that. And I think we fail 20 year olds when we write off such behavior as just a part of them growing up (. I think having conversations about what it means to make a commitment to another person and what infedility does to the other person and yourself is a healthy conversation just as much as having a healthy conversation about what sex is. I think if such conversations were a part of a larger whole about what it means to be a sexual person and respecting yourself and others we would see healthier relationships. I think if we thought 20 year olds were capable of hearing that conversation we would see them respond to it. 

I am not someone who believes that one must wait for sex until marriage or that cheaters are always cheaters or that 20 year olds are as mature as a 30, 40, 50 etc. However, I think as a society we don't talk enough about forming healthy relationships and writing it off as, they're young and they will figure it out, doesn't help.

But maybe I am just an old fart.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I am a different person at 40 than I was at 20. The core me is still the same, but the pressures are different. I did not cheat, but I think that if I had, I would like to get the chance to make amends.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

nirvana said:


> I am a different person at 40 than I was at 20. The core me is still the same, but the pressures are different. I did not cheat, but I think that if I had, I would like to get the chance to make amends.


I feel the same way if I had cheated in my 20s as well.


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