# Confused: Temptation



## Rue (Mar 12, 2012)

This is my first post on this forum. I guess I need someone(s) to talk to about this, since it seems to be plaguing me emotionally. I'm not even sure I'm in the right category, but here is my story:

About two years ago, I picked up a new sport and became very involved in it. The sport (I'm leaving details out on purpose) is fairly time consuming, and has involved meeting lots of fun new friends. My husband was not interested, and is actually very introverted, so when I invite him to club social activities he usually declines. My husband and I are very independent of each other and support that independence. I would not do well in a marriage where we did everything together. 

About a year ago, on a sport club outing out of town (which my husband chose not to attend) I met another of these new friends and was instantly, and strongly, attracted to him, as he was to me (I believe). Later on, he was quite drunk and I was, as well. Neither of our spouses was on that trip. We closed down the hotel bar and had a fling. Just one time (in over ten years of marriage). My new friend is also married, and like me, seems mostly happy in his marriage (although one never knows, really). Unlike my husband, his wife is an active participant in our sport and now I see her nearly weekly. Although she could not be more different from me, I like her. (awkward!) Until recently, I thought we are able to hide our attraction to each other fairly well, but recently she surprised me by, during a party, blurting out that her husband has a crush on me. (really, really awkward). 

Dang. So, here we are, every week, seeing each other, mostly in the company of his wife, but sometimes not. The incident has not repeated. There also hasn't been much opportunity. Suffice it to say, we don't seek each other's solo company, but he will occasionally blow me a kiss when no one is looking. We talked briefly about it on the year anniversary of the incident (it's an annual trip, and we were in the same hotel bar, only this time his wife was upstairs in their room). It was decided that it would be "our little secret," and the implication was that it would not be repeated, although neither one of us said "never again." Sadly, and here's where I'm conflicted and confused, I would, if the opportunity arose, be with him again, jeopardizing so much: My new friendships, belonging to this group of fun friends, and most importantly, my marriage. 

Here is the back story: I love my husband; we are great friends and he accepts and supports me more than I could ever hope for. But our sex life is dead. I am still really attracted to him, and I try to initiate, but unless I run around with a billboard around my neck, I don't get any response. He's not romantic (I knew this about him when I married him), but he is physically affectionate--likes to hug and cuddle. He's had trouble with ED, and did the medication thing, but stopped because of side affects. We're lucky if we have sex twice a year. I'm writing to you in March and the last time we had sex was September. Maybe it's not that important in the grand scheme of the relationship, but it bums me out, nonetheless. 

I'm sad and confused. I'm obsessing about my friend in a way that's rather high-school crush-like, and kind of embarrassing; I don't want to end my marriage at all. But I want to have sex and feel sexually interesting. My husband offers me a lot of the kind of support that I need. Do I wish he was more social? Yes. Do I sometimes wish I didn't have to go everywhere alone? Yes. Do I wish he was more sexual? You betcha. But there are a great many other positives in our marriage. 

I don't even know what I want from this posting. Maybe just to write it all down and get it out of my head (I have told no one about this--it remains "our little secret"). Maybe I need to hear from someone who has had similar experiences and has come out the other side happy. Your input is most appreciated.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First of all, what you did was wrong and you know that. What would you do if your husband found out from the other man's wife? Believe me it happens.

Waht ED meds did your husband try? There are more than just pills out there now. Have him see a uroligist right away and see what else is available to him. Also, sex doesn't just have to be penetration sex. there's oral and manual stimulation and toys that you two could use together to feel closer.

If you truly felt as positive about your marriage as you say you do, this would never have happened.

You and your husband need to see a counselor. Travelin alone for you is no longer safe if this kind of thing is ripe to happen again. Why would you put yourself in this place unless your intention is to have it happen again?

You should think about divorcing your husband and sparing him the pain of discovering an affair down the road since you are seriously concerned that you may not be able to keep your legs closed


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

this is what happens when a couple tend to live separate lives within their marriage and dont choose to spend enough time doing things together.

sorry, no sympathy here.

maybe you should tell your husband and see what he now thinks about letting you do as you please.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Cheating is wrong.

If you want Man A to give you love, companionshiop, money, affection and Man B to give you sexual excitement, you are living in a very offensive manner.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My input is:
1) Confess to your husband
2) get STD tested, your husband too
3) Find some other outlet for yourself where you are NOT seeing this other man every week and STOP SEEING HIM
4) Discuss with your husband the shortcomings in your marriage and work on them with him if he chooses not to divorce you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to either leave your husband so you can find a man with who is interested in a sex life or you need to tell him about the affair. He has the right to decide if he wants a marriage in which his wife sleeps around.

Your telling him also might make him realize that he's being cruel to you by not pursuing everything he can to get his sex life in order. Did he have his hormones checked? There are things that can be done to gain an interest in sex.

Sadly you have abused and ruined your relationship to the people in your sport's circle. You are a threat to at least one marriage there. The outcome is going to be that someday the wife will find out and all hell is going to descend in your life.

Do you also realize that you are likely to be one of many one-night stands for this man? He seems very comfortable with lying and playing the game. He's even smart enought to have a 'romantic' night at the bar with you while his wife is in the room sleep. This way you don't feel totally rejected and are thus not a threat to his marriage. If you felt totally rejected you just might blow his cover for feeling used. His little kiss throwing is along the same line. He sounds like a player and knows how to pick up and play with wives whose husbands ignore their sexual needs.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree with what others have said its called cake eating and the only way to recover for yrself is to get honest
With yr husband and the omw it sounds like you lack boundaries around males 
You know the correct response. Jmo

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Rue said:


> Unlike my husband, his wife is an active participant in our sport and now I see her nearly weekly. Although she could not be more different from me, I like her. (awkward!) Until recently, I thought we are able to hide our attraction to each other fairly well, but recently she surprised me by, during a party, blurting out that her husband has a crush on me. (really, really awkward).
> 
> Dang. So, here we are, every week, seeing each other, mostly in the company of his wife, but sometimes not. The incident has not repeated. There also hasn't been much opportunity. Suffice it to say, we don't seek each other's solo company, but he will occasionally blow me a kiss when no one is looking. We talked briefly about it on the year anniversary of the incident (it's an annual trip, and we were in the same hotel bar, only this time his wife was upstairs in their room). It was decided that it would be "our little secret," and the implication was that it would not be repeated, although neither one of us said "never again."


This has gone too far to be salvaged. I agree it sounds like he is a player. He is continuing to escalate contact with you and you are becoming addicted to it yourself. This secret is another form of bonding between the both of you. And it is probably not really a secret. His wife notices and your husband probably sees it as well. They will have a gut feeling about you both and the secret makes it worse.

The crush feeling you described is the high from the addiction of dopamine, oxytocin and other chemicals connected with love. You have gone physical once and that releases oxytocin which helps destroy other neural connections that may be in place (those of your husband). 

The sex problems with your husband need to be addressed ASAP because you are not reinforcing your bonding with him via oxytocin. This tends to make one prone to bond with others which you are starting to do. You are lucky that you still love your husband because perhaps you can work to have these issues addressed. 

Since it has gone PA and he is continuing to pursue you, you need to break it off and go no contact. I would suggest changing sports if possible. Then you need to have a serious talk with your husband and let him know what happened. You will need to disclose everything to him immediately. The seriousness of this may induce him to work harder on ramping up your physical relationship.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Rue said:


> I love my husband; we are great friends and he accepts and supports me more than I could ever hope for. But our sex life is dead.


If you truly love your husband you'll tell him. If you can't then you don't love him as a husband.

If you need sex, then divorce your husband and move on.

If you had a medical condition that made sex difficult or almost impossible and your husband went and had an affair would you be ok with it? Or if he lusted after another woman?

I know being a cheater means we are entitled to indiscretions but our spouses are supposed to be our rock, our pillar our saint in waiting. Justify it all you want, you and I are weak and don't really deserve our spouses. You're just as selfish a person as I am but you just can't admit it because you're in the fog. The martyr, saving her husband from the pain for her infidelity such a noble thing to do.

Paint it any color you want, it's still crap on the inside because I've been there.


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## charlie18 (Mar 12, 2012)

You don't truly "love" your husband. You may think you do, but you don't. If you did you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I can't decide if its arrogance or just contempt for your husband in general that would lead someone to not only pursue something so selfish, but actually think that people would read it and feel something other than pity for for your husband. Regardless of how pitiful you chose to make your husband seem, he is the man you pledged to spend your life together in fidelity, yet you exchanged it for a lie. I tell you what - show your post to the next potential husband when this one ultimately learns the truth. He'll thank you for it.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

There's no way around the fact that you cheated and continue to court the destruction of your marriage and friendships amongst the people in your social circle. 

Either confess to your husband, get tested for STDs, and work on the marriage or leave it. There is no middle ground.


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## Mello_Yellow (Feb 22, 2012)

Rue said:


> ...Neither of our spouses was on that trip. We closed down the hotel bar and had a fling. *Just one time (in over ten years of marriage)*. My new friend is also married, and like me, seems mostly happy in his marriage (although one never knows, really).


This is the biggest problem I have with your post. You say this almost as though you deserve a medal for _only_ cheating once in ten years. One time or one hundred times, it's still adultery. You can't help it that you and the OM are attracted to one another, but you can help how you react to the attraction.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rue said:


> I don't even know what I want from this posting. Maybe just to write it all down and get it out of my head (I have told no one about this--it remains "our little secret"). Maybe I need to hear from someone who has had similar experiences and has come out the other side happy. Your input is most appreciated.


Well, I'd bet the farm that you don't particularly care for the responses you have gotten thus far. You are not going to find mine particularly easy to swallow either. This "little secret" of your's has a name: adultery. I don't care if you were horny, it was the heat of the moment, the mood, the candlelight, or the fact you are bummed out that your husband isn't romantic or performing sexually.

I suggest you read the Coping With Infidelity forum here. I think you will find it very enlightening. Come out on the other side "happy"? Uh, no. Damaged. Betrayed. Painfully hurt. With time, things could have a happy ending. I don't know.

But you owe it to your husband to come clean about this.


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## Rue (Mar 12, 2012)

Wow. Not a lot of compassion on this board.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Rue said:


> Wow. Not a lot of compassion on this board.


wrong, there is a ton of compassion for those loyal spouses who are trying to figure out what is so wrong in their marriage, and stumbling through pitifully not knowing why their spouse isn't acting loving because they have been betrayed (especially the ones who don't know it yet) by the ones they love most and whom refuse to be accountable for their own actions (you fall into that category).

Please don't post and run, there will be a lot of harsh words thrown your way on this thread, please try to pick out the ones that are being constructive or motivating so that you can have a chance to either fix your marriage or leave it. For the record many of us were the betrayed one but there are many who have cheated reading this too giving the same kind of harsh criticism necessary to put you back in your marriage if you think you are worth it.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

you want us to give you compassion cause you ho'd on your husband? amazing.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Rue, you've already received a response from at least one other cheater besides me. We're here and there is compassion if you are remorseful and want help. There's not a lot of sympathy for cheaters, we didn't earn it. 

If you want help don't post and run. If you approval or permission or acceptance of your cheating then expect more of the same - and worse.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Rue said:


> Wow. Not a lot of compassion on this board.


I was thinking the same thing and will probably get an azz chewing but oh well. So there's the whole thing where we constantly her guy's say " If you not getting it at home " or " it's her job to keep me satisfied " but if a woman does it BAM. I'm wondering how different the replies would of been if at all if a man wrote the post.
So Rue if another man can take what is his ,,, what does that do for your husband ? The same for that other guy. I mean what do you think about his wife knowing that you can have her husband and still belittle her by the both you and him carrying on while she's around. I mean c'mon you must think she's a punk. What do you think the other guy thinks of your husband ?

anyway just my 2 pennies


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I was thinking the same thing and will probably get an azz chewing but oh well. So there's the whole thing where we constantly her guy's say " If you not getting it at home " or " it's her job to keep me satisfied " but if a woman does it BAM. I'm wondering how different the replies would of been if at all if a man wrote the post.
> So Rue if another man can take what is his ,,, what does that do for your husband ? The same for that other guy. I mean what do you think about his wife knowing that you can have her husband and still belittle her by the both you and him carrying on while she's around. I mean c'mon you must think she's a punk. What do you think the other guy thinks of your husband ?
> 
> anyway just my 2 pennies


Sooooooo not true here on TAM. Not even a little. Have you read DvlsAdvc8's thread, "What if the worst part of the marriage is you?" 

As for what the OM thinks of her husband? Well it's not hard to imagine but as a former OM myself I would say the reality is not what you think. Rue's OM most likely doesn't think about her husband one way or the other. I know that's anticlimactic and not the evil, duplicitous OM that everyone wants to imagine, but I bet it's true. Remember affairs are perfectly selfish, no one other than yourself and your AP enter your mind.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lost soul said:


> I was thinking the same thing and will probably get an azz chewing but oh well. So there's the whole thing where we constantly her guy's say " If you not getting it at home " or " it's her job to keep me satisfied " but if a woman does it BAM. I'm wondering how different the replies would of been if at all if a man wrote the post.


Absolutely not true. As just one example (as Sigma noted), look at my response in that thread. There is never an excuse for cheating, only rationalizations to make the cheater feel better.



> So Rue if another man can take what is his ,,, what does that do for your husband ? The same for that other guy. I mean what do you think about his wife knowing that you can have her husband and still belittle her by the both you and him carrying on while she's around. I mean c'mon you must think she's a punk. What do you think the other guy thinks of your husband ?
> 
> anyway just my 2 pennies


I do agree with this. I hope Rue reads this and realizes that at a minimum, she needs to:

1. Drop this sport group and stay away from the other man; and
2. Figure out what she wants from the marriage, including sex, and communicate that clearly to her husband. That includes letting him know that divorce is on the table if he is not willing to work on it.

You are playing with fire and being disrespectful to everyone involved, including yourself. Respect yourself enough to act honorably.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

lost soul said:


> I was thinking the same thing and will probably get an azz chewing but oh well. So there's the whole thing where we constantly her guy's say " If you not getting it at home " or " it's her job to keep me satisfied " but if a woman does it BAM. I'm wondering how different the replies would of been if at all if a man wrote the post.
> So Rue *if another man can take what is his* ,,, what does that do for your husband ? The same for that other guy. I mean what do you think about his wife knowing that you can have her husband and still belittle her by the both you and him carrying on while she's around. I mean c'mon you must think she's a punk. What do you think the other guy thinks of your husband ?
> 
> anyway just my 2 pennies


"if another man can take from your husband what is his" that makes more sense , , , kinda


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> You are craving an emotional connection. -It carried you to a physical cheating as well.
> 
> You've got to decide if you want to keep your marriage. If so, then you'll need to re-establish the emotional connection with hubby. COunseling would be best, but at least ... an open talk with him. If you can't tell him about the cheating, at least tell him that the lack of affection is hurting you & making you fantasize about other men. tell him you want to get back on track sexually together.. and that is something you'll both need to work on, so the open talk is neccessary.
> 
> ...


Lying to a spouse is not acceptable. This is what you are suggesting, lying by omission. 
Let’s say the OP takes this tactic and she and her husband somehow get things on track, end up with a great marriage and a great sex life.
Then down the road the OM’s wife finds out about the affair and tells OP’s husband… or he finds out some other way. Now she has doubly injured her husband. He worked to fix the marriage and it was all a lie. Great!


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