# Separated, doesn't want to work on "us"



## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

Hello, new to the forum. I really need someone to help me talk through this rough day because I seem to feel differently everyday. Before I get started, I want to say that I know I am ultimately the only one who can make a decision but I just wanted some opinions.


My husband and I met at an odd time. It started with my co-worker telling me about this great guy who was 'perfect' for me, a step brother of her husband's. We met a few months later at a party (July 2012) and hit it off amazingly. We spent nearly every moment together for a month, except before we met I had already planned on moving away half way across the country. I was out of my lease and now we were at this point of make it or break it.
We moved in together after a month of knowing each other, thinking we were perfect.

We have had nothing but hard times since we moved in together.

- His family nearly ripped us apart, his brother threatening my life and his mother calling the cops on me to "remove me" from my father in law's house.
- Surprise pregnancy after stopping trying to get pregnant (Feb. 2013), just after our problems began.
- Husband has a temper when pregnant, causes a lot of fights for us when he is intoxicated.
- My struggle with realizing I was in an abusive relationship (afraid to leave, a bad night where he wielded a knife while drunk screaming "I'll show you crazy!" and cut his forearm open and threatened to smash my property).
- Husband doesn't have diploma or GED and was ALWAYS smoking pot. Took several times of me packing up and leaving for him to call sobbing promising he would do better, stop the smoking and finally go get his GED.

Life is always about him him him. 

The night I was in labor (Oct 2013), he was mad. He had a "bad day" at work, was hungry/tired. I labored all night alone while he went home and slept... he came back to the hospital 10 minutes before I delivered.

We got married 1 year after we met (July 2013), (I'm sorry this story is really out of order, I'm talking as I'm going along), when we were on the up and up. I wanted the perfect life, a husband, a baby, etc. He was studying for the GED, had stopped smoking, and had a really great job. In August 2013, our nephew was murdered. It... hit all of us hard. He was a month shy of 2 years old. My husband gave up. He started smoking again, started doing bad at his job, they demoted him, etc. As month old newly weds, our relationship suffered. I was 6 months pregnant and he was always at his dad's house smoking, doing nothing. I put on a brave face and toughed us through it. I understood and I knew that things would improve when it wasn't so bad.

My son was born in Oct, my husband quit smoking, he got back to studying. But then he quit his job. Thankfully we live in income based housing, but I was nervous. We were already living off the government. It makes me physically ill to do so, but I'm doing what I have to until I get a job. (Still looking, fingers crossed I should have one by the end of the week!!)

He was home, ALL THE TIME. Played video games, non stop. October turned to Nov. November to December "I'll get a job in the new year." He didn't get a job til early January we had a huge fight and told him to get out or go get a job. So he did. Part time, 16 hrs a week at a fast food restaurant. That's all he works, by choice. 2 days, 8 hr shifts. He goes to GED classes 3 days a week, from 8:30-11:30.

I lost my patience after 2 months of this. Our car suddenly stopped starting, needed it for Dr appointments and getting to the grocery store. Asked to take it to the repair shop. "It's too much, just don't drive it anywhere." It's... a car. That is the POINT of a car. I told my father about this, and he ... he went livid. He cussed out my husband, and they nearly got into a fist fight. They still won't talk. My father paid for it to get repaired and I was fed up.

I kicked my husband out in March this year. In Illinois, you have to wait 6 months to file for divorce after separating. 

During that time, we have been on and off. Lots of fights that just seem to be circles. I have our son Sun, Mon, Tues, Weds - he has him Thurs, Fri, and drops him off Sat morning. Those are his days off from work/school, and he complains about never having an "actual day off". I told him that I will take son on a Thurs so he can sleep in on Fri morning and pick him up. It turns into a fight about custody and all this that and the other.

I told him I was going to get a job, and until I could get a child care system set up, if he would watch our son in the evenings after work/school. He got mad about "oh so I never have any time to myself?" I was speechless.

We never have sex. We had it a handful of times during the pregnancy, and didn't have it after our wedding for 2 weeks, and since our son was born, (8 months yesterday) we've had it 2 times, one of which he couldn't maintain and we stopped. The only intimacy we have is me giving him oral and it's never returned. He says he's not in the mood anymore, which is some issues on his end that he doesn't want to deal with.

I'm... fed up. This back and forth of one day thinking we'll get back together and the next day we're at each others throats saying we hate each other. I think we do genuinely hate each other. We just don't want our son growing up in a broken home. 

He told me our son won't have an step parents or half siblings. It was a half-threat that I'm not allowed to date again after us. He used to flat out say "God help whoever you decide to date" but now changes it to "I'm not stupid enough to go to jail over you".

He also says now that he doesn't care about us. That we are metaphorically on the back burner in his mind. He only cares about his schooling and getting a job to make "6 figures a year"... I feel cheated... I did everything to get him here. I made him quit smoking, get motivated. Bought him the book to take the Constitution test to even start GED classes. Call the GED schooling center and set him up the first appointment. EVERYTHING. 

And now I'm nothing but convenient when he wants to get off or feels like having a wife that day. We're still separated, with him at his fathers, and he says we're definitely not moving back in together any time soon, but we're now half way through til I can file for divorce. He was nice to me today and yesterday, but I have his words ringing in my head the other day from our argument.

 I don't know.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Someone in TAM the other day posted an expression... "The only thing worse than being FROM a broken home is being IN a broken home." And you, my dear, have a very broken home. Just let it end already. 

C


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

That's some fella you selected for a husband. Next time, look a little harder for the "L" on his forehead. However, that _does_ require knowing someone for more than a month before moving in together.

File for D and cut him out of your life for good. Then focus on you, your issues, and your child.


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

PBear said:


> Someone in TAM the other day posted an expression... "The only thing worse than being FROM a broken home is being IN a broken home." And you, my dear, have a very broken home. Just let it end already.
> 
> C


I come from one, parents divorced when I was 10. My father says it made my personality do a 180 and I was never the same. I don't want my son to go through a blood battle when he's older. Thank you for your reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

ThreeStrikes said:


> That's some fella you selected for a husband. Next time, look a little harder for the "L" on his forehead. However, that _does_ require knowing someone for more than a month before moving in together.
> 
> File for D and cut him out of your life for good. Then focus on you, your issues, and your child.


Yes, our major fights are always littered with "regret" but we both had the same desire to work through it and still survive. We wanted to prove everyone that we were good together. And we were, we were fantastic for awhile, and then just... Life happened I guess? He's so angry all the time... He had a terrible childhood and so much bad happen to him, I let everything slide, but now it's time for him to be a big boy and put his son first. Which he says that's what he's doing, focusing on school so he can provide financially in the future. But he expects me to sit here and wait for him, when I don't even know if at the end he would want to be together. 

Another 3 months... Feels like eternity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Doesn't seem like he's ever really cared.

Divorce him and move on with your life.

It takes two to have a marriage. Seems he checked out long ago and your post is riddled with how bad your relationship is. I mean, your thread title says it all.


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Doesn't seem like he's ever really cared.
> 
> Divorce him and move on with your life.
> 
> It takes two to have a marriage. Seems he checked out long ago and your post is riddled with how bad your relationship is. I mean, your thread title says it all.


I wish I had memories of good things to say. I take it as an awful sign that I can't remember the good things. It feels like the entire time was an uphill battle to getting him to do everything. And to continue the metaphor, I got him to the top, and now he's rolling down it alone. I just wanted him to actually do everything he said he wanted to while high. I feel scorned by it. Today is looking a little bit brighter, thinking about D. 

Thank you for your reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

drugelis said:


> I come from one, parents divorced when I was 10. My father says it made my personality do a 180 and I was never the same. I don't want my son to go through a blood battle when he's older. Thank you for your reply.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Things to think about... Did your issues come as a result of your parents divorcing, or as a result of your parents not being able to divorce in a mature and amicable manner? And realistically, so you think that you would have been better off if your parents stayed together and continued to be dysfunctional?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> I wanted the perfect life, a husband, a baby, etc.


Its this statement right here that tells me you were more in love with the idea of having a family than you were with him. He was just somebody who "fit the bill".

Six figures on a GED?
Yeah...he's smokin a lot right about now.

Right now, you need to take a step back and look at your relationship from another person's point of view. What would a person watching your relationship on a TV show think?

Then ask yourself is this really what you had in mind?


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Its this statement right here that tells me you were more in love with the idea of having a family than you were with him. He was just somebody who "fit the bill".
> 
> Six figures on a GED?
> Yeah...he's smokin a lot right about now.
> ...


Everyone hates him. Literally. I haven't met one person who has told me to stick it out that has met my husband. But at the same time, people always told me not to care about what other people think. However I am 100% embarrassed by him in public. School is beyond his GED, he plans to attend community college in the fall. I don't say anything about his pipe dreams because he throws it back in my face about being negative and unsupportive. I'm not negative, I'm realistic. That's a major place we butt heads... He is an optimistic person, but don't let that deceive you. He's not a happy person.

And it's not. I just got off the phone with him, demanding explanation after I texted that we needed to talk later, to come over sometime. So I had to explain over the phone and I hate that. I want to talk in person. Now he's "thinking" and will be over later. What makes me mad is that I feel like me being done is never my choice. That I have to listen to his side first, and that's where I lose my steam to break it off. He is a talker and I realize it's just manipulation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

PBear said:


> Things to think about... Did your issues come as a result of your parents divorcing, or as a result of your parents not being able to divorce in a mature and amicable manner? And realistically, so you think that you would have been better off if your parents stayed together and continued to be dysfunctional?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The divorce was a startle for me. As far as divorcing parents go, I think I had the most... Calm possible. My parents never, ever argued in front of me and my sister (she was 16, couldn't care less about he whole thing). One day my dad had a suitcase and told me he was going to be gone for a little while. He called me from the hotel he was staying at. I didn't even realize they were divorcing until he had his own apartment. The last couple of years, I've asked my mother about it. My father apparently cheated, but that was after 16 years of an unhappy marriage. It's no excuse, and I might just be a daddy's girl, but I understand. My mother is a little crazy. And not like, eccentric crazy. The bipolar, schizo crazy. I dunno, I honestly had no example of a functioning marriage. I know now that's why I clung to the desire to prove that a happy marriage is possible. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think that this could be a blessing in disguise. I wish you would read your story and image that this is not about you, but someone else. The relationship you describe is not one that I would want for anyone. I don't normally suggest divorce, but you are definitely the exception to policy. Seek an attorney to determine your rights, separate finances to protect your financial interests look for a safe place for you and your son and plan an exit strategy, act quickly and decisively. Make sure you have a recording device on you when you break the news of your plan to your husband. Check with your attorney if you have to tell him you are recording. Leave son at a safe place with a trusted individual when you inform him of your plan. Best of luck to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

drugelis said:


> The divorce was a startle for me. As far as divorcing parents go, I think I had the most... Calm possible. My parents never, ever argued in front of me and my sister (she was 16, couldn't care less about he whole thing). One day my dad had a suitcase and told me he was going to be gone for a little while. He called me from the hotel he was staying at. I didn't even realize they were divorcing until he had his own apartment. The last couple of years, I've asked my mother about it. My father apparently cheated, but that was after 16 years of an unhappy marriage. It's no excuse, and I might just be a daddy's girl, but I understand. My mother is a little crazy. And not like, eccentric crazy. The bipolar, schizo crazy. I dunno, I honestly had no example of a functioning marriage. I know now that's why I clung to the desire to prove that a happy marriage is possible. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not a psychologist, and I've never even played one on tv. But I'd say your issues could very well have come from your father abandoning you to your less than emotionally healthy mother. If it would have been handled "correctly" in a more healthy way, with a focus on what's right for the kids, your story might be much different. And maybe then, you wouldn't be trying to save a relationship that if you looked at from an outsider's perspective, is very unhealthy and has been from the start. 

But hindsight is 20/20, and my time machine is broken. I do wish you well, though. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drugelis said:


> I come from one, parents divorced when I was 10. My father says it made my personality do a 180 and I was never the same. I don't want my son to go through a blood battle when he's older. Thank you for your reply.


You have missed the point.

Living in a household, with your marriage, is worse for your child than a divorce. 

How old are the two of you?

Your husband is a dangerous man. He is violent, he has threatened you and any future male friends you might have. He could care less about taking care of his son and his wife. He's a looser, a bad husband and a bad father. He is not going to change, especially since you enable his bad behavior.

Seriously, get out of this marriage and fight to make sure that you child spends as little time as possible with his father. If you don't you son will grow up to be just like his father. Is that what you really want?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drugelis said:


> Yes, our major fights are always littered with "regret" but we both had the same desire to work through it and still survive. We wanted to prove everyone that we were good together. And we were, we were fantastic for awhile, and then just... Life happened I guess? He's so angry all the time... He had a terrible childhood and so much bad happen to him,* I let everything slide, but now it's time for him to be a big boy and put his son first. Which he says that's what he's doing, focusing on school so he can provide financially in the future. *But he expects me to sit here and wait for him, when I don't even know if at the end he would want to be together.
> 
> Another 3 months... Feels like eternity.


When a person's words do not match their actions, believe their actions. The words are only a smoke screen meant to confuse you so that he maintains control.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

drugelis said:


> Everyone hates him. Literally. I haven't met one person who has told me to stick it out that has met my husband. But at the same time, people always told me not to care about what other people think. However I am 100% embarrassed by him in public. *School is beyond his GED, he plans to attend community college in the fall. I don't say anything about his pipe dreams because he throws it back in my face about being negative and unsupportive. *I'm not negative, I'm realistic. That's a major place we butt heads... He is an optimistic person, but don't let that deceive you. He's not a happy person.


Him getting a GED and going to college is not a pipe dream. It's the one of the major things about him that you should be 100% behind. It's the right thing for him to do.

What do you say to him about his education that you think is realistic but he thinks is negative?



drugelis said:


> And it's not. I just got off the phone with him, demanding explanation after I texted that we needed to talk later, to come over sometime. So I had to explain over the phone and I hate that. I want to talk in person. Now he's "thinking" and will be over later. What makes me mad is that I feel like me being done is never my choice. That I have to listen to his side first, and that's where I lose my steam to break it off. He is a talker and I realize it's just manipulation.


You text saying that you have to talk to him later. You want to talk in person.

Then you complain that you have to listen to his side first when you talk to him. 

Do you realize that you are contradicting yourself? 

At this point you need to minimize talking to him. Look at the link below for the 180. That is how you need to be interacting with him right now. It will help you and it will help stop the emotional drama.


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Him getting a GED and going to college is not a pipe dream. It's the one of the major things about him that you should be 100% behind. It's the right thing for him to do.
> 
> What do you say to him about his education that you think is realistic but he thinks is negative?
> 
> ...


While I do realize it sounds like contradiction, his side is usually all about talking me down from the divorce/separation. 

We got to talk in person, and he gave me the puppy dog eyes that only come out when he knows I'm serious about the divorce. When we were just dating, it's what he did our first fight and why I didn't leave him. He cries and clings to me, for a couple of days is a sweet guy, and then it's back to his usual self. It's why "his side" makes me so angry. It's like vicious circles, where I always wind up caving in, although eventually we come back to this point.



I've got a heavy heart tonight and had a chat with one of my divorced friends. Says the knot in my chest is completely normal and it made me feel so much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drugelis (Jun 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You have missed the point.
> 
> Living in a household, with your marriage, is worse for your child than a divorce.
> 
> ...


I'm 23 and he turns 27 next week. He is a good father, thankfully. He has calmed down, since he has been born, because he doesn't want anything to ever take his son away from him. (Although with my nephew's murder, it took a lot of restraint for him to not lose control.) I don't fear him as much as much as I used to, or much anymore. It's all just emotional now. The sting that I don't think I can ever let go. 

And I would love counseling. Right now I'm looking for a dr but none so far take medicaid. The city has a few but the drive is a lot in gas that i don't have. Used to be able to go to this government funded place for all sorts of counseling, but with cut backs, you have to have a clinical illness/disability or drug abuser. None of which I am. Sometimes I think money would solve over half my problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are there any domestic abuse organizations near you? They often have fee counseling.

Can you move to a place, like the city, so that you have move services available to you?

If you want to stop this rollercoaster that you are on stop talk to him about anything except what is completely necessary for your child.

Start interacting with him according to the 180. 

Just stop the emotional crap.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

There is too much instability here. You would be better off getting a divorce and letting go of this dysfunction. I say that without judgement; it is so very hard to leave behind such a relationship, even though it looks logical and easy from the outside. You will be better off when you let it go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Live on your own and put your faith in yourself. If your husband grows up, long odds on that, he may step up as a father, but you cannot live in the hopes of it.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

I thankfully never married the man who sounds a tad similar to your ex. We were together for 7 years and I was 20 and. he 25 when we met, I was young and blind. The verbal abuse started early on and continued throughout the relationship. His drinking also slowly picked up and really increased two years before it ended when he was cheating and I didn't know at the time. At first I didn't mind b/c he would pass out around 6pm every night and I was relieved. When I found out about the cheating we started arguing a lot, no sex, he would break things when drunk. We separated for awhile and he said he would stop seeing the girl. 

One day I was going to come over and he said his parents were stopping by and I could come after. Well I texted him a few times to see if they were gone and he responded. The one time he didn't I said forget it i'm going over. Well he had gotten drunk and passed out on the couch. There were texts coming thru on his phone so I picked it up and read them. It was the girl!! His parents weren't coming over, he was supposed to meet up with her and she canceled. I got so furious I saw a hammer nearby and smashed his phone and threw it against the wall(big mistake). 

He awoke in a drunken fury and long story short beat the crap out of me. He went to jail that night for sure. Afterwards he tried o get me back and got desperate in offering marriage, kids everything.

It was rough, I lost 30lbs in a month, stayed with my aunt for 3 months then got a roomie for 7 months and saved to move across country. When that year came around I was gone for good, best life changing decision ever. It sucks but you will make it.


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