# Am I missing something, is there something 'MORE' to life that I don't get?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

my husband seems to be completely unable to enjoy ANYTHING about life. I guess maybe I am starting to wonder if it is ME that is missing something.

I mean, I know that some things have been pretty rough... but all in all we have a nice place to live, 3 successful daughters, some vacations, some friends, --- I guess I try to take joy in the everyday things like playing cards with friends, our annual vacation to the beach, attending my daughters lacrosse tournament, chatting with the other parents and watching her play, taking my younger daughter to skating practice, watching her grow and develop as a young athlete, just things like that.

That IS what life is about right??? I feel like my husband has spent most of our marriage dissatisfied with everything... he whined all afternoon at the lacross tournament, he moans about driving my daughter to skating, and yet...he has hobbies and things he does... he takes off on his motorcycle for the day on a regular basis, he bow hunts in the season, he just went the other evening with his friends for a few beers and wings... 

So is there some other big thing I am missing that life is supposed to be about??


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like depression to me. Has he ever expressed feeling depressed? Most of the time people who are not satisfied with life at all, generally are depressed, they get no joy out of anything much and they sometimes complain etc.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Sounds like depression to me. Has he ever expressed feeling depressed? Most of the time people who are not satisfied with life at all, generally are depressed, they get no joy out of anything much and they sometimes complain etc.


No he hasn't... he is always saying 'I' need medication.. If that is the case, he has been depressed for a long long time. I tend to doubt he'd be open to the idea that maybe HE has an issue. He thinks everyone else does.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> That IS what life is about right???


In a word no. I'm in my 5th month of round 3 of intense therapy for my ptsd and depression issues. I finally get that life isn't about what's outside it's the peace that comes from within. The more you try to fill a void with "stuff" the more depressed you get. At least thats been my experience. And the reason is because it's upsetting when it doesn't work. I'd wake up and think I've got a great husband, beautiful home, awesome kids, the works and yet I was still not happy. I've spent half my life trying to obtain happiness only to find that I already had it I just had to learn how to access it. And therapy was the only way to do that.

My joke now is happiness can be bought....for $100 a an hour. :lol:

On meds. There is no magic quick fix happy pill. They work well WITH therapy but not alone (unless you truly have a chemical imbalance which I don't). They are only good for short term use because eventually they quit working. I should know I've been through about 4 different kinds. I no longer take meds.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> In a word no. I'm in my 5th month of round 3 of intense therapy for my ptsd and depression issues. I finally get that life isn't about what's outside it's the peace that comes from within. The more you try to fill a void with "stuff" the more depressed you get. At least thats been my experience. And the reason is because it's upsetting when it doesn't work. I'd wake up and think I've got a great husband, beautiful home, awesome kids, the works and yet I was still not happy. I've spent half my life trying to obtain happiness only to find that I already had it I just had to learn how to access it. And therapy was the only way to do that.
> 
> My joke now is happiness can be bought....for $100 a an hour. :lol:
> 
> On meds. There is no magic quick fix happy pill. They work well WITH therapy but not alone (unless you truly have a chemical imbalance which I don't). They are only good for short term use because eventually they quit working. I should know I've been through about 4 different kinds. I no longer take meds.


Ok, but I sort of think we are saying the same thing in different ways... it is like he is searching for the magic bullet -- a different job, for all lifes annoyances and problems to be gone, etc... as a way to make him happy.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> The more you try to fill a void with "stuff" the more depressed you get. At least thats been my experience. And the reason is because it's upsetting when it doesn't work.


This is exactly how my husband works. He tries to fill his life with "stuff", and he also depends on others for HIS happiness. I have explained to him you can't go through life doing that, because it will surely fail and he will be disappointed when another person or an object fails to make him happy and fill that void. Sometimes I think he catching on, at other times I'm not so sure. 

He also has a, "Nothing matters" attitude, and acts depressed. I hate it when he gets like that, BUT I have to worry about myself because his attitude will surely bring me down at times and I don't want that to happen. I want and choose to be happy.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Ok, but I sort of think we are saying the same thing in different ways... it is like he is searching for the magic bullet -- a different job, for all lifes annoyances and problems to be gone, etc... as a way to make him happy.


That's what I was trying to say. There is no magic bullet. My sister lives like this and no matter how many times I tell her she still doesn't get it. Right now she's looking for yet another job as she's convinced THAT will make her life just peachy. Um good luck with that. 

One of my favorite movies is 6 days 7 nights. In it there is a line that Harrison Ford says about romance (and could be about happiness too). He says "it's an island babe...if you didn't bring it you won't find it here".


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

AgentD said:


> This is exactly how my husband works. He tries to fill his life with "stuff", and he also depends on others for HIS happiness. .


I am less about stuff, and more about do-- I don't want things, but I really do enjoy the seemingly mundane things-- having dinner with my hubby (we used to look forward to it, now I get a grunt and I don't know or I don't care if I ask what we should have or suggest something), I enjoy watching my daughter skate, I enjoyed taking my other daughter to Lacrosse... watching the school band, things like that..but not him, everything is a burden.

We are downsizing to a condo, and much to my surprise HE is the one overly concerned about what we will do with all the stuff we have accumulated.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For those who believe in Christianity, the purpose of life is to serve Christ. 1 Col:16 says, "All things were created by Him and for Him."
That belief system happens to be the one I accept. For me, the plan for my life was set before I was born and my job is to discover what that plan is and to strive to live according to it. The more I trust and obey, the happier I'll be. If I fixate on what I want, I'll be frustrated. I believe most people who do lots of complaining are primarily unhappy with themselves.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> That's what I was trying to say. There is no magic bullet. My sister lives like this and no matter how many times I tell her she still doesn't get it. Right now she's looking for yet another job as she's convinced THAT will make her life just peachy. Um good luck with that.
> 
> One of my favorite movies is 6 days 7 nights. In it there is a line that Harrison Ford says about romance (and could be about happiness too). He says "it's an island babe...if you didn't bring it you won't find it here".


YES!! I feel like I live with Eyeore-- you know the sad sack donkey from Winnie the Pooh...I feel like he gives off an aura of misery and negativism... I can barely stand it-- it has gotten worse and worse over time. I tend to make the best of things... for example, he looks at having to wait for my daughter to skate as a huge burden (though I am not sure what great thing he'd be doing instead) and I tend to look at it as an opportunity to watch a great kid learn something, work hard and be happy. I have tons of examples of these.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I am less about stuff, and more about do-- I don't want things, but I really do enjoy the seemingly mundane things-- having dinner with my hubby (we used to look forward to it, now I get a grunt and I don't know or I don't care if I ask what we should have or suggest something), I enjoy watching my daughter skate, I enjoyed taking my other daughter to Lacrosse... watching the school band, things like that..but not him, everything is a burden.
> 
> We are downsizing to a condo, and much to my surprise HE is the one overly concerned about what we will do with all the stuff we have accumulated.


I'm not sure about your husband, but my husbands attitude about things and the way he sees things and even some of the depression, is actually a learned behavior. His family, especially his mother (who he was around the most) was very negative. Nothing matter, so why bother kind of attitude. They acted like certain things were burdens to them as well. They all had (including my husband) a woe is me, life owes me something for my pain" kind of attitude. Its kind of like playing the victim role, but yet they are choosing why their life is the way it is. Sometimes you just have to go about your business and make your life happy and focus on other things, even though sometimes their attitude can be hard to deal with. Its something they will need to overcome if they want to.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Eyeore...yep that used to be me. I totally related to that character and hated it. It does get worse over time that's true. I think in some ways it's easy to get stuck in that aura of misery so much so that it becomes comforting. Almost like a bad habit. Easier to be depressed than to be happy. And I hated people like you. In fact I hated all happy people as I thought what the heck do you have to be happy about. I can laugh now about it but that is truly how I felt. The more people made the best of things the more I wanted to bring them down. Sick right?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Ok, but I sort of think we are saying the same thing in different ways... it is like he is searching for the magic bullet -- a different job, for all lifes annoyances and problems to be gone, etc... as a way to make him happy.


I have a painting that hangs in my kitchen - it has a quote on it that says "Happiness is a CHOICE, not CHANCE."


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Eyeore...yep that used to be me. I totally related to that character and hated it. It does get worse over time that's true. I think in some ways it's easy to get stuck in that aura of misery so much so that it becomes comforting. Almost like a bad habit. Easier to be depressed than to be happy. And I hated people like you. In fact I hated all happy people as I thought what the heck do you have to be happy about. I can laugh now about it but that is truly how I felt. The more people made the best of things the more I wanted to bring them down. Sick right?


Once again sounds like my husband and his family. They were the same way, they wanted others to be unhappy because they were. My husband even said to me in a discussion one time, I had made the comment, (in a joking manner) that him and his family almost acted jealous of me because of my choices and that I chose to be happy and do this or that etc. He actually said to me, "Maybe we are!" :scratchhead:

I have never been one to say others are jealous of me, because I don't believe that, nor that others should be. However he did act like that, and at that time its why I made that comment. I was really blown away though when he said maybe they were. I would have never really thought that actually.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Eyeore...yep that used to be me. I totally related to that character and hated it. It does get worse over time that's true. I think in some ways it's easy to get stuck in that aura of misery so much so that it becomes comforting. Almost like a bad habit. Easier to be depressed than to be happy. And I hated people like you. In fact I hated all happy people as I thought what the heck do you have to be happy about. I can laugh now about it but that is truly how I felt. The more people made the best of things the more I wanted to bring them down. Sick right?


Wow... scary...is that why he seems so distant with me? I feel like he is mad at me all the time.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's a difference between garden variety depression and deeply disturbed martyr complexes. It's ok to be occasionally depressed. But you as the spouse have to be alert not to be sucked into their vortex if it turns into a scenario where they live to be miserable, hoping and ensuring everyone around them is as miserable and insufferable as they are. 

Midlife blahs are ok, fairly normal even. What's not normal is the man or woman who's never been enlightened to their own chronic lifelong severe depression. I for example did not know I suffered from chronic severe mental illness until I was in my mid 20's. To me, being me was normal. 

I would ask you to ask you hubster to at least entertain talking to a therapist or trained professional of any stripe. At least consider it. Let him know you and everyone knows he's a different man now and you want to help him.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Wow... scary...is that why he seems so distant with me? I feel like he is mad at me all the time.


It's called projection. He's actually mad at himself subconsciously but looking at you is like looking in a mirror. It's easier to be mad at you than to take ownership of his own misery. I did the same thing to my husband for years. I felt it was his responsibility to make me happy and since obviously he sucked at it I got mad and distant too. 

My sister does that too. She blames me, her job, her boyfriend, her kids. It's everyone else's fault she's unhappy not hers. In fact she's mad at me right now. Imagine that. LOL!!


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> It's called projection. He's actually mad at himself subconsciously but looking at you is like looking in a mirror. It's easier to be mad at you than to take ownership of his own misery. I did the same thing to my husband for years. I felt it was his responsibility to make me happy and since obviously he sucked at it I got mad and distant too.
> 
> My sister does that too. She blames me, her job, her boyfriend, her kids. It's everyone else's fault she's unhappy not hers. In fact she's mad at me right now. Imagine that. LOL!!


I feel completely helpless to do anything about it.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I feel completely helpless to do anything about it.


You may not be able to do anything about him, but you certainly can do something about YOU.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You may not be able to do anything about him, but you certainly can do something about YOU.


Like what? I have been just going on, trying to be positive, trying to communicate, enjoying my kids, making plans but his attitude is sucking the LIFE out of me.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I feel completely helpless to do anything about it.


The only person you can change is you. There is nothing my husband could have done to make me better. I had to want it myself.

My suggestion for you is to learn healthy boundaries. Or maybe coping skills for what do when he's mopey. I've been working with my best friend on how to handle her husband (her husband is as she calls him a "troll"). Eyeore would be a good description too. She has learned to not let him affect her with his bad moods. She makes him take ownership of the moods she refuses to take it. She has learned to let him go and to quit trying to fix or change him. If he's in a particularly bad mood she cheerfully announces she's going out WITHOUT him. When he pouts she says nope not happening. She no longer rewards his bad behavior. 

See I think he plays that depressed card to get attention from her and it worked. She gave it to him by trying to cheer him up. Take the attention away and he learns to behave otherwise. This was not a quick fix but she is seeing improvement. He's not near as moody as he used to be. He actually has <gasp> fun now.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> The only person you can change is you. There is nothing my husband could have done to make me better. I had to want it myself.
> 
> My suggestion for you is to learn healthy boundaries. Or maybe coping skills for what do when he's mopey. I've been working with my best friend on how to handle her husband (her husband is as she calls him a "troll"). Eyeore would be a good description too. She has learned to not let him affect her with his bad moods. She makes him take ownership of the moods she refuses to take it. She has learned to let him go and to quit trying to fix or change him. If he's in a particularly bad mood she cheerfully announces she's going out WITHOUT him. When he pouts she says nope not happening. She no longer rewards his bad behavior.
> 
> See I think he plays that depressed card to get attention from her and it worked. She gave it to him by trying to cheer him up. Take the attention away and he learns to behave otherwise. This was not a quick fix but she is seeing improvement. He's not near as moody as he used to be. He actually has <gasp> fun now.



I guess I feel like I have been doing that, but all it has really done (at least from my pov...) is create distance between us. I just do what I am going to do with him or without him.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I feel like I have been doing that, but all it has really done (at least from my pov...) is create distance between us. I just do what I am going to do with him or without him.


It's a dynamic. He gets moody then you what? Change your response and he has no choice but to change too.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Its is hard, sometimes very hard to go about doing whatever for yourself while he mopes. Especially when you live in the same house together. It will affect your mood, period. You just have to learn alternate things to do. In the end when all is said in done though and this came from my counselor. If you are one of these people who never learns to not let another persons behavior effect you, then its best to remove yourself from the situation. She wasn't saying give up on things just like that. She is saying once you have tried all you know to do for yourself and if its still effecting you, then you will have to something different like not being around it. 

There is no way I would live the rest of my life letting another persons bad/negative moods effect me. If I thought I just couldn't do it and no matter what I did it still effected me I would have to just end it. Life is to short to let another person ruin your life with their moods. Plus, I wouldn't want my kids to have the learned behavior my husband had. You have to do what is best for you, and your own sanity.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> It's a dynamic. He gets moody then you what? Change your response and he has no choice but to change too.


I have to think about this.... I have really stopped responding to his fatalistic comments. Like yesterday, I talked to him about maybe selling our huge suburban, letting our older dd drive my corrolla and getting me a newer to us (still used) smaller 4WD. We are moving and downsizing (space and $$, PLUS we are selling her horse in the fall) and so he says "yeah, and how are we going to pay for THAT??"-- um the obvious way, with the savings we get from downsizing and the horse sale (I mean it is so obvious this is the case-- we have figured on saving $600 a month on mortgage alone, never mind everything else)-- I just didn't even respond. 

Maybe it just hasn't been enough time


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> It's a dynamic. He gets moody then you what? Change your response and he has no choice but to change too.


While I agree with this to a point. SOMETIMES even if you have changed your response doesn't always make them change how they act. NOT with my ex wife anyway, I tried it. 

In the end you will have to decide what you will and will not be able to deal with.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

When you engaged in that discussion about money was he moody already? Is money a touchy subject? Does he take kindly to your ideas or does he always reject them?

That scenario could go deeper than just the mood. We recently downsized so I've been there and it was not easy. And also my husband is not depressed but he does not like to discuss money. I handle all that. I don't talk outloud to him about money. Ever. I will ask for his suggestions yes but do not offer up what I'm thinking. That is usually met with resistance.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

trey69 said:


> While I agree with this to a point. SOMETIMES even if you have changed your response doesn't always make them change how they act. NOT with my ex wife anyway, I tried it.
> 
> In the end you will have to decide what you will and will not be able to deal with.


Totally agree. I was just saying try that's all. I believe in if you do leave you want to make sure you've done everything you possibly could first. No regrets. kwim?


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

trey69 said:


> While I agree with this to a point. SOMETIMES even if you have changed your response doesn't always make them change how they act. NOT with my ex wife anyway, I tried it.
> 
> In the end you will have to decide what you will and will not be able to deal with.



To some degree, I do think the increasing burdens of life HAVE affected him...he always had a fatalistic streak, but over the last 7 years or so, it has gotten much much worse. We have had ALOT of challenges... my younger girl had $200,000 of medical bills the last few years, we do everything as regards my MIL, her medicaid application (in process) and the rental of her house. I am feeling the burden too, which is one of the reasons we want to sell our house (another burden, financial and otherwise) and simplify our lives.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> When you engaged in that discussion about money was he moody already? Is money a touchy subject? Does he take kindly to your ideas or does he always reject them?
> 
> That scenario could go deeper than just the mood. We recently downsized so I've been there and it was not easy. And also my husband is not depressed but he does not like to discuss money. I handle all that. I don't talk outloud to him about money. Ever. I will ask for his suggestions yes but do not offer up what I'm thinking. That is usually met with resistance.


Yes, it is a touchy subject for him. He wasn't moody already, but we were trying to figure out ways to fit our new space more easily. He handles the day to day bills, I handle the major investments (retirement etc). We have different views of the same scenario I guess. In my view we have retirement money, college savings for the girls, a fair amount of home equity, a steady income, --- and some other things in the near future, like significant interest in his mothers home which he will inherit. His over the top anxiety about finances is misplaced, but I keep trying to respect it by driving an old car, finding ways to cut back on things etc. It is NEVER enough. Honestly, I think it is an excuse to be miserable and I wonder if I took away ALL the financial burden if anything would actually change.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband has over the top anxiety over money but when I finally got the guts up to ask him sincerely what would actually make him feel better I was shocked at what he wanted. It wasn't as unrealistic as I thought. I assumed that all that I was doing with cutting back would never be enough and I would be wrong.

My husband is also set to inherit a good deal of money when his parents die (they are 90 now). But we don't talk about that. It's an off limits topic.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> My husband has over the top anxiety over money but when I finally got the guts up to ask him sincerely what would actually make him feel better I was shocked at what he wanted. It wasn't as unrealistic as I thought. I assumed that all that I was doing with cutting back would never be enough and I would be wrong.
> 
> My husband is also set to inherit a good deal of money when his parents die (they are 90 now). But we don't talk about that. It's an off limits topic.


What did he want?

I feel like my husband wants HIS cake and to eat it too. I already agreed to sell the horse in the fall (he wanted that), and he has already declared his inheritance as HIS retirement-- which annoys me a bit as I have worked all these years and he didn't-- should I say this is MY house, MY car etc-- of course not, he'd be pissed off. But I didn't say anything about THAT statement. I mean, I guess it is a good thing I don't say that about MY salary right? He has a motorcycle, goes out with the guys for beers, picks up pizza when he doesn't feel like cooking.... the frugal thing seems to only apply to me.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I just wanted to add he finds away to find criticism in every statement or question... like yesterday, we meant to measure our sectional to see if it would fit in one of the condos we are seriously considering. I took one kid to a sport practice, he met me afterward at the condo with the other kid (having to go home from work, shower and then get her). 

So when he said we forgot, I said, oh darn, I was hoping you had remembered when you went home to get kid 2. And he snips at me "I have a job too you know"-- um what?? Who implied you didn't you know?

And come to find out he picked up kid #2, went to his friends house and went swimming while I was at sport practice with kid #1, so why the snip???


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband wants our debt paid off and to save money (reasonable amount). And he's not a spender anymore.

BTW: I take back what I said about my friend and her troll husband. Just found out he's having an EA. My friend is in the "not sure if what he's doing is innappropriate" stage. Then my youngest got hurt and had to get off the phone. Now we are playing phone tag. Seems he's found a depressed woman to hang out with that likes to drink too. Sigh...been going on for a while but this was before TAM so I know more now than I did then.

People suck especially depressed, miserable ones. And yes I'm saying this even though I used to be one.

Your husband is just miserable in general and he is taking it all out on you. It's plain to see. The snip was because you have a job and he doesn't. Again projection.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> My husband wants our debt paid off and to save money (reasonable amount). And he's not a spender anymore.
> 
> BTW: I take back what I said about my friend and her troll husband. Just found out he's having an EA. My friend is in the "not sure if what he's doing is innappropriate" stage. Then my youngest got hurt and had to get off the phone. Now we are playing phone tag. Seems he's found a depressed woman to hang out with that likes to drink too. Sigh...been going on for a while but this was before TAM so I know more now than I did then.
> 
> ...


And somehow he makes me feel like it is totally my fault.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> And somehow he makes me feel like it is totally my fault.


But of course it is. Didn't you know that? If I had a dime for everytime I made my husband feel like he was the cause of everything that was bad in my life I'd be rich by now.

Again it's easier to blame you than to take responsibility. Total cop out.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> But of course it is. Didn't you know that? If I had a dime for everytime I made my husband feel like he was the cause of everything that was bad in my life I'd be rich by now.
> 
> Again it's easier to blame you than to take responsibility. Total cop out.


He wants debts paid off too... but only WE (the girls and I ) are apparently supposed to curb our wants to do so... we live in a giant house that I don't want, we pay 2x as much for gas, heat, everything because of it...his solution??? Stop going to xyz... things that are important to us.... mine is sell the damn house in the boondocks. He has a motorcycle and goes out every Saturday all day, cruising and stopping for a nice lunch etc (no he doesn't invite me), and no he doesn't try to get a job.


----------



## FrancisMacomber (Jun 9, 2011)

Your husband is depressed because he hates himself. "How could I have been so goddamn naive and short-sighted?" he asks, over and over again. He's got four entitled, empowered, liberated princesses on his hands monopolizing his time, his money, his life. 

I wouldn't want a single daughter, let alone three. 




lisa3girls said:


> He has a motorcycle and goes out every Saturday all day, cruising and stopping for a nice lunch etc (no he doesn't invite me), and no he doesn't try to get a job.


Does that mean he doesn't work, or that you expect him to work even more than he does right now? 

It already sounds like he makes all the money while you just take your daughters from one expensive activity to another.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

FrancisMacomber said:


> Your husband is depressed because he hates himself. "How could I have been so goddamn naive and short-sighted?" he asks, over and over again. He's got four entitled, empowered, liberated princesses on his hands monopolizing his time, his money, his life.
> 
> I wouldn't want a single daughter, let alone three.
> 
> ...


Totally wrong... I am the breadwinner.. have been for 15 or more years. He makes almost nothing. I don't really care if he works or not, I just want him to stop complaining about money when we HAVE money and he spends what HE wants when HE wants.


----------



## FrancisMacomber (Jun 9, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Totally wrong... I am the breadwinner.. have been for 15 or more years. He makes almost nothing. I don't really care if he works or not, I just want him to stop complaining about money when we HAVE money and he spends what HE wants when HE wants.


You've been the breadwinner for 15 years? Your husband ought to write a book, because that's quite an accomplishment. 

I'm assuming you're hopelessly devoted to him because he's an aloof, virile alpha male who will never be a doormat.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

FrancisMacomber said:


> You've been the breadwinner for 15 years? Your husband ought to write a book, because that's quite an accomplishment.
> 
> I'm assuming you're hopelessly devoted to him because he's an aloof, virile alpha male who will never be a doormat.


What the heck are you talking about? He stayed home with our children while I worked.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Ok, but I sort of think we are saying the same thing in different ways... it is like he is searching for the magic bullet -- a different job, for all lifes annoyances and problems to be gone, etc... as a way to make him happy.


Some people just don’t know “how” to be happy. They really don’t know as they were never taught how to be happy. “Happiness” is an art, it’s a knack, a creation, “a way of “being””, a way of living and it comes from the inside, not the outside.

Buy a copy of “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama and read it and then leave it laying around in the hope that your H will pick it up and read it for himself.

Bob


----------



## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> he takes off on his motorcycle for the day on a regular basis, he bow hunts in the season, he just went the other evening with his friends for a few beers and wings...


i dont really understand....are you complaining because he does these things?....or are you complaining because he does not enjoy doing the things that you do?


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> i dont really understand....are you complaining because he does these things?....or are you complaining because he does not enjoy doing the things that you do?


I am complaining because he is miserable, even though he gets plenty of time to do as he wishes. I am complaining because he is complaining they my and girls schedules leaves him no down time... when there is quite evidence to the contrary that he does what he wishes when he wishes. I am FINE with it, I just want him to stop complaining and stop pressuring me to not do what I want to do.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Some people just don’t know “how” to be happy. They really don’t know as they were never taught how to be happy. “Happiness” is an art, it’s a knack, a creation, “a way of “being””, a way of living and it comes from the inside, not the outside.
> 
> Bob


:iagree:


----------



## Antheia (Jul 5, 2010)

I did not read all the replies but I had a different take on your problem. Maybe someone has mentioned this I apologize if this has already been covered.
The other replies were talking about him being depressed or not happy. I just have this gut feeling that it has more to do with power in the family. I kind of see the problems or aguments coming when he is asked to do domestic or family duties. The problem with the money too could be from him feeling he doesn't have the say that he wants. 
I am not saying that he should have more power or that there is anything wrong with the things you askhim to do. I just wonder if he is bucking against having to act like a responsible parent? Do you think you could have become his "mother" in some respects? the authority figure? he wants to be the foot loose 14 year old in the family? Again, I think you are not the problem but just trying to see where his resentment is coming from.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> my husband seems to be completely unable to enjoy ANYTHING about life. I guess maybe I am starting to wonder if it is ME that is missing something.
> 
> I mean, I know that some things have been pretty rough... but all in all we have a nice place to live, 3 successful daughters, some vacations, some friends, --- I guess I try to take joy in the everyday things like playing cards with friends, our annual vacation to the beach, attending my daughters lacrosse tournament, chatting with the other parents and watching her play, taking my younger daughter to skating practice, watching her grow and develop as a young athlete, just things like that.
> 
> ...


I haven't read all the other posts, but this sounds like what my x wife said about me. It sounds like he isn't just lying around staring at the walls. It sounds like he has hobbies but grunts when it comes to things connected with you. Perhaps he has some built up resentment about something. How is your sex life? Does it happen as often as he likes?


----------



## mr.rightaway (Apr 27, 2010)

Why has he not had a job in 15 years? I know this seems to be the agreed upon dynamic in your relationship, but what are the reasons he doesn't want to work?


----------



## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

lisa3girls


> my husband seems to be completely unable to enjoy ANYTHING about life. I guess maybe I am starting to wonder if it is ME that is missing something.


How was he when you first married? Has he always been a little (or lot) negative or did it gradually come on? 



> That IS what life is about right??? I feel like my husband has spent most of our marriage dissatisfied with everything...


UGH! Must have been hard on your kids! Well at least they have an upbeat mom. He sounds to me like a person from an unhappy home in which he developed a negative style of controlling others and his environment. I identify with his negativity to look pathetic, get sympathy and ATTENTION (love) and be on a constant downer to feel safe, important, noticed and CONTROL THINGS! He is in the HABIT of using his negative energies to some advantage which worked in childhood but not so well as an adult and he has not found or even desired a way to BREAK the habit! It could be said he is "depressed" BUT WHY? Even so, the bottom line is WHAT TO DO ABOUT HIM AND HIS ATTITUDE/BEHAVIOR???



> So is there some other big thing I am missing that life is supposed to be about??


Life is supposed to be about love, joy, happiness, pleasures, thrills, HONOR, VALOR, COURAGE, VISION, POSITIVES!! Get him to a doctor if you suspect Depression or illness or get him into counseling if you suspect it's a psychological thing like using his attitude to control you. I would consider the mental health of your kids above all else and tell him that if things don't change REAL SOON that you will take the kids and LEAVE --- FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE. None of you should have to endure such a Negaholic any longer if at all!
Have him google: happiness is a choice (it is a choice BUT we have to want to reach out and TAKE IT!)
I would not put up with someone like him for a SECOND now that I know how to find, get and keep happiness in my life. He would just get lost in the dust if he lived with me cos I would not allow him to control me or pull me down with that "I'm not happy ACT"!!!!! IT'S A DEVIOUS ACT TO CONTROL YOU!!!!
Don't let him hurt your kids any longer with this........ good luck


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

mr.rightaway said:


> Why has he not had a job in 15 years? I know this seems to be the agreed upon dynamic in your relationship, but what are the reasons he doesn't want to work?



He has a lot of what I consider excuses... and honestly, I DON"T CARE if he has a job or not...but if he isn't happy without a job, HE needs to do something about it.


----------



## Justfedup (Jun 12, 2011)

I'm in a similar situation, but we are at the other end of raising our family. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. The last two years have just been HELL. I find myself asking EVERY DAY 'What's missing here'? 'Isn't there anything else but this'? It all started two years ago with the passing of my husband's mother. He spun into a full blown depression. It took him nine months to work through that. He also decided that he was tired of working and decided to retire on a service year pension (he was a Union Carpenter). His decision was a HUGE mistake. We are together 24/7. Our lives have been drastically changed financially. We now spend our days watching grandchildren and TV. Nothing more...nothing less. I'm still asked to perform the intimate duties. How can I do that? My husband hasn't told me he loves me in over one year....he hasn't taken me out to dinner since this past January, I keep on asking myself 'What's wrong with me'? I'm just fed up. After all these years....isn't there any more to life than this? My husband's retort every time I discuss the situation is 'I'm not changing; take it or leave it..'

You have my sympathies. There is nothing wrong with you...it's all HIM.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Beyond your daughter's activities, what other interests do you have? It is possible your husband is starting to think about what life will be like once the girls are out of the house and maybe he doesn't think you have any other focus beyond your kids. This may scare him. 

For every couple with teens, I think it is natural to start thinking about what life will be like with just your spouse. And if you think your spouse is on the dull side, it can make you wonder what life will be like with an empty nest. 

Even if this is not the case, having a life beyond your kids is really important.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Beyond your daughter's activities, what other interests do you have? It is possible your husband is starting to think about what life will be like once the girls are out of the house and maybe he doesn't think you have any other focus beyond your kids. This may scare him.
> 
> For every couple with teens, I think it is natural to start thinking about what life will be like with just your spouse. And if you think your spouse is on the dull side, it can make you wonder what life will be like with an empty nest.
> 
> Even if this is not the case, having a life beyond your kids is really important.


He doesn't seem to want to... every Sunday, the kids have no activities-- and he takes off alone on his bike.. he doesn't invite me or anything and yes my kids are plenty old enough to stay home a couple hours while we ride around, go to lunch etc.


----------

