# Is my wife being unreasonable / why is everything inconvenient to her?



## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

We're in our early 50s. She has 2 sons from her first marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. We have no kids together. Let me give you some background. The stories I could tell about us could fill volumes. All the kids moved out a few years ago and got an apartment together. All range in age from 24 - 26. Since then all the kids have moved on to other apartments themselves. My wife's sons aren't what you call it, the most productive boys on the earth. They are taking after their dad. Smoking weed, getting high, drinking a lot. The oldest has two kids by two different women he doesn't support and the youngest likes to smoke and get high all the time. I got full custody of my daughter when she was around 2 years old and it's been me and her ever since. Let me say this, my daughter isn't perfect nor is she a saint. She's made her fair share of mistakes. She now has an apartment with another girl now. 

Last year she surprised me with the news that she is pregnant with my first biological grandchild. She is due any day now. A few months ago we were out to dinner with my sister-in-law, my wife's sister, and she was on one end of the table talking to the daughter of my sister who had recently had a baby. We overheard her say that she wanted to come move back home with us the last few weeks of her pregnancy because she didn't trust her roommate to drive her to the hospital. She also wants to stay with us a few days or maybe a week after the baby is born because she's a little nervous being around a newborn. She wants us to help her get use to being a mom. The baby daddy is several states away visiting his family right now. I did not have a problem with that being my daughter but my wife seems to have some reservations about it. Reason being her oldest son, who is a convicted felon and can't keep a job longer than a week or two wanted to come move back home with us because he had no where to go and I said no because of his history and background. He and his mother are always fussing and arguing because they but heads too much. Well, my wife and I discussed my daughter moving back home the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy and she seemed okay with it. We took one of the spare bedrooms and turned it into the nursery for her and the baby while they were here. We bought a crib, car seat, stroller, etc, everything we'll need for the baby. We also decided that since we get the oldest son's oldest daughter every other weekend we would make that a bedroom for her and the new baby. Here's where the the series of problems begin. 

In that room was an old dresser the boys use to use and since they have been gone my wife has started putting her overflow clothes in it. It has 4 drawers and she's using 3 of them. One drawer already has clothes in it for our 4 year old granddaughter. It's packed full, literally overflowing. In cleaning up the room my wife cleared the entire top shelf in the closet so I suggested to her to put her clothes in the closet as to free up the entire dresser for the girls. She refuses saying that's an inconvenience to her. I never asked her to throw anything away, I just suggested she put them in the closet. Again, these are clothes she hardly wears anymore. So she expects us to cram two little girl's clothes into one drawer while she keeps the other 3 for herself. That was her first "inconvenience." Here's the second one. My daughter, again down to her last 2 weeks or so of this pregnancy, moved back home with us this weekend. We put an old smart TV in that room but it hasn't really worked well so we bought a new one for ourselves. The Netflix on it is very spotty. Yesterday my wife and I were hanging again with her sister so when we got home my daughter was in our living room watching Netflix on the larger, much better, smart TV. Granted, my wife and I normally watch tv in that room until time to go to bed so we went on the our bedroom, which again, has a new smart TV to replace the one we put in the other room. My wife again made the comment that this was an inconvenience to her to have to watch TV in our bedroom. The same shows on the DVR in our living room are the same shows on the DVR in the bedroom. 

This morning my wife took a shower and my daughter was sleep in her room with the door shut. Normally my wife showers and then goes to dress in the living room but this morning she decided to dress in the bedroom. Again mentioning how much of an inconvenience this is to her. My wife is a creature of habit. She hates for anything to change. Once something is set she always wants it that way. She doesn't just go with the flow. Why is everything now so much of an inconvenience to her or is she just mad that I wouldn't allow her son to move back in with us but my daughter is now here? Again, my daughter has her own place and this is just a temporary thing to get her use to being a mom, and also so I can drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor. She will be going back home. How do I get my wife to understand that not everything is an inconvenience? One would think that as a mother she would want to show my daughter the ropes. Even after the baby is born she is only wanting to give my daughter 2 or 3 days here then she says she's gotta go back to her apt. Ladies, is this wrong? Where's the motherly instinct wanting to kick in here? Her oldest son has another baby by a girl whom we haven't seen since Christmas of 2019 because she said she doesn't know us thta well. We've reached out to her numerous times asking her to bring the baby over for a visit and she refuses. And neither will she allow us to come to her place. Yes, she lives in our same city. Given that you can't see one of your grandchildren I would think my wife would want to do everything in her power to be a constant presence in the new baby's life instead of wanting to kick them out 2 or 3 days after she gives birth.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How have your wife and daughter gotten along in the past? Is your daughter respectful to your wife? And vice versa?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s not her daughter. It’s yours. Some people have no room in their heart for other people’s kids. Your wife is one of them. 

The word your wife has used multiple times is how she feels about your daughter— she is an inconvenience. It’s not the drawer space and living room tv— your daughter is the inconvenience. 

She has zero desire to help your daughter.

So you’re just going to have to accept that your wife has zero feelings for your daughter and her baby and they will be nothing but inconveniences to your wife.

I know. It sucks. But that’s the truth.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems to me that having your pregnant daughter with an impending newborn in the house is a pretty freaking big inconvenience that's she's agreed to. 

Are you sure you want to argue over things like dresser drawers and Netflix?


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

If it's the act of emptying the drawers that's the inconvenience I'd just not make a fuss .and do it for her. 10 minutes and done. If it's having the clothes somewhere else that's inconvenient just go grab one of those sets of cheap plastic drawers as a temporary fix for the kids clothes. No fuss, problem solved. If you don't watch tv in the bedroom just temporarily move that tv to the other bedroom for you're daughter and continue to use the one in the living room. No fuss, problem solved. Part of it is probably not liking change and i can imagine it probably hurts her some to see your daughter doing well while her boys are making poorer choices. Stay positive and upbeat, continue to support your daughter and deal with each inconvenience in the least fussy .and most nonchalant way you can. Just make a firm date when you're daughter will be leaving to go back to her home. And congrats on your upcoming blessing!


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

4thtwin said:


> Reason being her oldest son, who is a convicted felon and can't keep a job longer than a week or two wanted to come move back home with us because he had no where to go and *I said no* because of his history and background. He and his mother are always fussing and arguing because they but heads too much.
> 
> Well, my wife and I discussed my daughter moving back home the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy and she seemed okay with it. We took one of the spare bedrooms and turned it into the nursery for her and the baby while they were here. We bought a crib, car seat, stroller, etc, everything we'll need for the baby. We also decided that since we get the oldest son's oldest daughter every other weekend we would make that a bedroom for her and the new baby. Here's where the the series of problems begin. ...


When you said no to her son, did she seem to really want to let him come back home herself?
When she agreed your daughter could come, did she seem enthusiastic or reluctant?

Having been a step parent, here's what I imagine is going on in her head:

Her brain probably knows you were right about her son, but her *heart *wanted to try to help him and *wished *you wanted to also, even though she logically understands your reasons were valid. She did the right thing, but inside she was a little hurt and disappointed. 

Now your daughter could use an assist and what kind of monster would say no?! So she agrees. She even helps you get the room (mostly) ready. She may or may not be excited about your daughter and the grandbaby, she probably is torn between excited and jealous that your daughter turned out better than her sons.

Now your daughter is in the house and she gets to watch her husband put his daughter ahead of her. Could you move your clothes for my daughter? Can you give up your living room for the evening for my daughter? You convict son is not welcome here but watch me go out of my way for my beloved daughter. There is good reason for it, and it's temporary, and it's family, but bottom line -- right now your daughter is displacing her.

You are not doing anything wrong, but since when have women's *feelings *been logical?

*MY ADVICE*
Fuss over your wife more than usual. More than your daughter. If you're making coffee, going shopping, doing anything, ask you wife FIRST if she wants anything. 

Do not rescue your daughter by bringing in another dresser or emptying your wife's clothes out for her. Rather, if your daughter wants more room for the kids' clothes, have her ask your wife directly if she would mind if she put those clothes in the closet for now, and depending on the answer, do it herself or go get the cheapo dresser herself. 

Ask your wife how is she doing with your daughter in the house? Tell her you know how much she loves her privacy and routine and how much you appreciate her being so loving and welcoming to your daughter. 

Maybe, tactfully point out that even though this baby is biologically your daughters, your wife will be 100% grand parent in the child's eyes -- kid's don't keep track of which grandparent is biologically related to them!

Maybe pull your daughter aside and ask her to make a good effort to tell your wife how much she appreciates her being so supportive and how glad she is to have such a wonderful grandmother for her child and how much she looks forward to all the wonderful family memories you will all have.

*THE SON*
You and your wife know the situation best, but you might consider what can you do to help the son without enabling him. No matter how bad he is, he is her son and when you reject him, no matter how much she loves you, it must occur to her that she could be helping him more if you were not in her life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean you don't want to be hospitable to your daughter at the expense of your wife because it's your wife's home too. My first thought when you begin telling the story is why you didn't just go move in with your daughter at her place. It would have accomplished the same thing. You'd have been there to take her to the hospital and show her how to do things. And would only have been temporary. I don't think your wife should have to be moving a bunch of her stuff. Since it's temporary the daughter and baby could be living out of a suitcase for that matter. The daughter could be using the closet instead of your wife having to move her stuff over there. 

I do side with you on not wanting the felon living there.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Life long poor decisions have a way of being yet more life long poor decisions. If you hang around trash you end up smelling like garbage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'd also bet your wife is thinking this isn't so temporary.

Let's see how anxious your daughter is to leave with a newborn and no father and a room mate who probably doesn't want to hear a crying baby every night.

Methinks she's going to be there a while and a lot is going to end up being asked of your wife to take care of a newborn.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeah. They are going to be there only a couple of days? Are you sure about that? What if she has a c section? 
.
Oof. I have two children and I love them and I love babies, but someone else's NEWBORN in the house? No, no no. How well are the walls soundproofed? 

Aren't you guys worried about covid and newborn?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean you don't want to be hospitable to your daughter at the expense of your wife because it's your wife's home too. My first thought when you begin telling the story is why you didn't just go move in with your daughter at her place. It would have accomplished the same thing. You'd have been there to take her to the hospital and show her how to do things. And would only have been temporary. I don't think your wife should have to be moving a bunch of her stuff. Since it's temporary the daughter and baby could be living out of a suitcase for that matter. The daughter could be using the closet instead of your wife having to move her stuff over there.
> 
> I do side with you on not wanting the felon living there.


She shares her place with another woman, so not really convenient for him to go there.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Yeah. They are going to be there only a couple of days? Are you sure about that? What if she has a c section?
> .
> Oof. I have two children and I love them and I love babies, but someone else's NEWBORN in the house? No, no no. How well are the walls soundproofed?
> 
> Aren't you guys worried about covid and newborn?


Right? I took care of two as well and I question how involved OP was with his own newborn daughter if he bought this couple of days crap.

I wonder if he'll be getting up at night to help or if his wife will be eyed for that? After all, he thinks his wife should somehow have "mother" instincts for his daughter's baby so he probably assumes she'll be happy to get to get up with someone else's newborm while he sleeps. Because....mother instincts.

This whole she doesn't trust her room mate to drive her was a load of crap so she could move in. She could easily have made arrangements for them to come get her.

We'll see if he responds to anything.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant understand why she is being so difficult. We had a close family member(my family not my husband's blood family) and her baby living with us for 2 months after her difficult birth and when she had to leave her rented flat after it was sold by the owners. They then came and lived with us for 3 months during the first lockdown we had here when the baby was still under a year. You do things for family becuse you are family. Yes it was tiring and draining for us in our 60's, but you just get on with it. We shared many special times with her and the baby as well, and we are very close. Honestly 2-3 weeks isnt long at all. Her leaving after 2-3 days seems very soon though, its her first baby, she may have painful stitches and even have to have a caesarian. I would give her at the very least 10-14 days after the birth. She clearly doesn't have her own mother to help, is the babies dad involved at all? Are his parents supportive? Does she have anyone else who can help her out after she goes home after the birth?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Right? I took care of two as well and I question how involved OP was with his own newborn daughter if he bought this couple of days crap.
> 
> I wonder if he'll be getting up at night to help or if his wife will be eyed for that? After all, he thinks his wife should somehow have "mother" instincts for his daughter's baby so he probably assumes she'll be happy to get to get up with someone else's newborm while he sleeps. Because....mother instincts.
> 
> ...


He bought his own daugher up on his own from tiny so I am sure he is capable of being a good and supportive Grandad. It would be nice if he had his wife's support though.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> He bought his own daugher up on his own from tiny so I am sure he is capable of being a good and supportive Grandad. It would be nice if he had his wife's support though.


Well if that were true he'd know that the odds his daughter is leaving with a newborn anytime soon are quite low. Most of us have raised kids so we know what's coming in those first few months, at least until the baby starts sleeping.

And where will the child care come from when his daughter works, assuming she even works? 

So either its not true or he's being intentionally obtuse.

The odds are good that his wife is going to get roped into basically helping to raise this baby and she knows it. That's why she's not thrilled about the daughter making herself at home.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Yes, I read each reply and thanks to those who answered and asked questions. Let me see if I can answer a few of them. The baby's dad is involved although he and my daughter are no longer a couple. His is in NJ visiting his family. No telling when he'll be back because he doesn't have a place to live here right now. He ran into some bad luck and had to move back up north. Lost his job and apartment. His plans are to come back for the birth but you can't really say the exact date she'll be born.

Someone asked why don't I move in with my daughter at her place. Several reasons. I currently work from home and it's not practical for me to go across town to sleep just to come back home every day to work. It's better for my daughter to be here so that when she goes on maternity leave she';ll be here. They only have a 2 bedroom apartment and both are being used. As far as the room mate goes we're not sure she can drive. She doesn't have a car but what she does have is a very sweet, very autistic 5 or 6 year old son who is non verbal. I'm not sure that if my daughter goes into labor in the middle of the night my daughter's room mate can get up, rush to dress her autistic son, then drive them all to the hospital. And they stay too far across town for me to drive over and take her myself. That's why she wanted to come back home for a few weeks. During this time they aren't just letting everyone walk into a hospital. Plus I don't think my daughter wants her room mate to have access to her car while she's giving birth and possibly in the hospital for a few days. 

As far as the dresser these are clothes my wife hardly wears. It's not like she's going in there every day pulling something out to wear. Up until now, before we started cleaning the room, that door stayed closed and we used it as a junk room. Again, our plans were to use that room as a nursery for the new baby and our 4 year old granddaughter so they are going to need room for their clothes. Again, that's why we started cleaning it out. One 4 drawer dresser and my wife is using 3 of the drawers. I asked her to just put her clothes in the top of the closet, not in a storage unit across town. 

As far as the step-son(s) I have been in their lives a number of years but everything I've tried to show them about being men has gone in one ear and out the other. The oldest is just defiant when it comes to authority. That's why he's a felon and has been since the age of 18. After all the kids graduated high school and were still living at home we assessed a monthly rent of $200 a month and they had problems paying that. My daughter went off to college and graduated with a 4 year degree and she had no problem paying her share. The problem came when she was paying hers and the boys weren't. I do not mind helping anyone but I need to see you trying to help yourself too. If all you want to do is hang out, get high, drink, and party then don't come to me with your hands out. Again, my step-son has 2 kids by 2 different women. His idea of child support is taking the oldest to a pizza place once a month or to one of his friend's kid's birthday party. My wife and I get his oldest every other weekend and we love her to no end. I don't doubt that my wife is gonna love my daughter's baby any less. My step-son's other baby momma won't even let him see her daughter and we haven't seen her since Christmas of 2019. She refuses to let us see her also. She'll be going on 4 this year. 

My wife thinks 2 or 3 days after the birth is enough time to get use to being a mom. I personally would like her to hang around for a week or so. Again, no, she's not moving back home. I assure you of that but 2 or 3 days is too soon for me. And no, her mom is nor really in the pic. She wasn't a stellar parent. Several years ago I found out that she had gotten hooked on crack. I have been my daughter's dad and mom since she was 2. No, I'm no trying to cram my daughter down my wife's throat but I just want to be there to help her. What parent wouldn't? And even after she goes back to work from maternity leave the baby will be here some days or at my parent's or my sister, my daughter's favorite aunt. We have decided that with covid still around we don't want that baby going to some daycare somewhere. That's what family does. My wife and daughter get alone fine like any step-parent/step-child would. There's no tension there but my wife always think that her kids do no wrong. I guess that's understandable. What parent wouldn't? 

I hope I have answered some of everyone's questions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well if that were true he'd know that the odds his daughter is leaving with a newborn anytime soon are quite low. Most of us have raised kids so we know what's coming in those first few months, at least until the baby starts sleeping.
> 
> And where will the child care come from when his daughter works, assuming she even works?
> 
> ...


Of course he wants to help his daughter thats what good parents do, and when you marry someone with children, even if they are older children, things happen from time to time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> Yes, I read each reply and thanks to those who answered and asked questions. Let me see if I can answer a few of them. The baby's dad is involved although he and my daughter are no longer a couple. His is in NJ visiting his family. No telling when he'll be back because he doesn't have a place to live here right now. He ran into some bad luck and had to move back up north. Lost his job and apartment. His plans are to come back for the birth but you can't really say the exact date she'll be born.
> 
> Someone asked why don't I move in with my daughter at her place. Several reasons. I currently work from home and it's not practical for me to go across town to sleep just to come back home every day to work. It's better for my daughter to be here so that when she goes on maternity leave she';ll be here. They only have a 2 bedroom apartment and both are being used. As far as the room mate goes we're not sure she can drive. She doesn't have a car but what she does have is a very sweet, very autistic 5 or 6 year old son who is non verbal. I'm not sure that if my daughter goes into labor in the middle of the night my daughter's room mate can get up, rush to dress her autistic son, then drive them all to the hospital. And they stay too far across town for me to drive over and take her myself. That's why she wanted to come back home for a few weeks. During this time they aren't just letting everyone walk into a hospital. Plus I don't think my daughter wants her room mate to have access to her car while she's giving birth and possibly in the hospital for a few days.
> 
> ...


The difference between you is that you have readily accepted having the grandchild from her son to stay every other weekend, and you call her your grandchild and not her grandchild which is lovely, so I honestly dont understand why she feels that your daughter and grandchild should leave after just 2-3 days. Honestly I could barely walk 3 days after having my first child. I hope she has lots of other support once she goes home as well, as the babies dad and her mum clearly arent gong to be any help. If she were my daughter I would want her to stay at least 2 weeks after the birth and only go back then if she had other help once she goes back to her flat.
I think your wife must either have had a very easy time when she had her sons, or she has forgotton what its like, or she had loads of help from her partner and other family.
Does your daughter know what your wife said?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

4thtwin said:


> My wife is a creature of habit. She hates for anything to change. Once something is set she always wants it that way. *She doesn't just go with the flow.* Why is everything now so much of an inconvenience to her or is she just mad that I wouldn't allow her son to move back in with us but my daughter is now here? Again, my daughter has her own place and *this is just a temporary thing* to get her use to being a mom, and also so I can drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor. She will be going back home. How do I get my wife to understand that *not everything is an inconvenience?* *One would think that as a mother she would want to show my daughter the ropes. * Even after the baby is born she is only wanting to give my daughter 2 or 3 days here then she says she's gotta go back to her apt. Ladies, is this wrong? *Where's the motherly instinct wanting to kick in here?* Her oldest son has another baby by a girl whom we haven't seen since Christmas of 2019 because she said she doesn't know us thta well. We've reached out to her numerous times asking her to bring the baby over for a visit and she refuses. And neither will she allow us to come to her place. Yes, she lives in our same city. Given that you can't see one of your grandchildren *I would think my wife would want to do everything in her power to be a constant presence in the new baby's life instead of wanting to kick them out 2 or 3 days after she gives birth.*


You are projecting your way of thinking onto your wife. Your daughter is not your wife's daughter so she doesn't have the same feelings for her as you do. It is a huge inconvenience. Someone has disrupted her life and there is no end in sight. You say it is temporary, but your wife doesn't have a firm end date so to her, this is an endless situation. You don't mention your money situation, but is there a chance that by buying all this stuff for your daughter that you are putting a strain on your budget?

Your wife should take first place in your heart and I'll bet that right now, she is feeling like she has been pushed out of that place. Her home has been disrupted. You need to pay your wife some serious attention right now and reassure her. None of this is her fault but she is paying the consequences. This thing could easily go long term with issue after issue coming up which extends your daughter's stay. Your wife may be worried about this. Dude, she just wants her life back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> You are projecting your way of thinking onto your wife. Your daughter is not your wife's daughter so she doesn't have the same feelings for her as you do. It is a huge inconvenience. Someone has disrupted her life and there is no end in sight. You say it is temporary, but your wife doesn't have a firm end date so to her, this is an endless situation. You don't mention your money situation, but is there a chance that by buying all this stuff for your daughter that you are putting a strain on your budget?
> 
> Your wife should take first place in your heart and I'll bet that right now, she is feeling like she has been pushed out of that place. Her home has been disrupted. You need to pay your wife some serious attention right now and reassure her. None of this is her fault but she is paying the consequences. This thing could easily go long term with issue after issue coming up which extends your daughter's stay. Your wife may be worried about this. Dude, she just wants her life back.


This is part of marrying someone who has other family namely children and grandchildren. I am so grateful that my own husband has always welcomed my children and grandchilren as his own. Its just for a couple of weeks before and a week after, thats such a short time. If she loves her husband then why would she act this way? Its just selfish. They care for her grandchild regularly and he is happy with that.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> This is part of marrying someone who has other family namely children and grandchildren. I am so grateful that my own husband has always welcomed my children and grandchilren as his own. Its just for a couple of weeks before and a week after, thats such a short time. If she loves her husband then why would she act this way? Its just selfish. They care for her grandchild regularly and he is happy with that.





Diana7 said:


> This is part of marrying someone who has other family namely children and grandchildren. I am so grateful that my own husband has always welcomed my children and grandchilren as his own. Its just for a couple of weeks before and a week after, thats such a short time. If she loves her husband then why would she act this way? Its just selfish. They care for her grandchild regularly and he is happy with that.


I think some people think that once you become and adult, be it 18, 21, or what have you, that you are on your own. I come from a very close family. 2 parents married for over 60 years. 6 other siblings, and we all still get together at the parent's house to reconnect and have fun. We have always been close and everyone is excited about the birth of this, our parent's first biological great-grandchild. My wife's family is not as close as ours. My wife's parents lives less than 10 miles away from us and she probably hasn't seen them in weeks. I doubt my wife has even seen her parents any this year. I see mine several times a week just to check on them. My daughter needs my/our help right now and I think it would be wrong not to do whatever we can to support her. No, we're not independently wealthy by any means. We work hard for what we got and we love all our grandkids, but this will be my first biological grandchild. I'm just trying to show her I'm here for her as I have been since she was born. I also want my step-sons to succeed but until they get their heads on right they are going to struggle.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mr.Married said:


> Life long poor decisions have a way of being yet more life long poor decisions. If you hang around trash you end up smelling like garbage.


I can't help but agree even though what's done is done.

I really don't understand women who allow themselves to get pregnant in a fly by night relationship. IMO, she should be living with the baby daddy or she makes him wear a condom.

Regarding the son, have you and your wife looked into any community programming that can help former felons?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> My wife thinks 2 or 3 days after the birth is enough time to get use to being a mom.


That's certainly what the hospitals and insurance companies think.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Having a pregnant woman and then, her and _a newborn_ come into your house to stay for weeks is huge. HUGE. 

It's way different than a parent going to visit their child at their own house to help out. Even that can be difficult. I'll direct your attention to the forum DWIL nation and new mothers who put down all sorts of boundaries about people staying with them. Many many people feel uncomfortable with guests. And yeah, it's a guest. This is an adult woman, added to that not her daughter, not someone she raised. 

Regarding the Netflix.... your daughter should have given over the TV and hung out to watch what you and your wife wanted to. Already your wife is being pushed out of her living room and into the bedroom. Yikes.

If you had a bigger house I think this wouldn't be as much of a problem.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Having a pregnant woman and then, her and _a newborn_ come into your house to stay for weeks is huge. HUGE.
> 
> It's way different than a parent going to visit their child at their own house to help out. Even that can be difficult. I'll direct your attention to the forum DWIL nation and new mothers who put down all sorts of boundaries about people staying with them. Many many people feel uncomfortable with guests. And yeah, it's a guest. This is an adult woman, added to that not her daughter, not someone she raised.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't see the TV thing as a major issue. WE have a TV in every room in our house, including the kitchen. We had been over to my wife's sister's place for several hours and my daughter was just lounging on the sofa watching Netflix. No, she shouldn't have just given up the TV simply because we were now home. We're not tyrants that demand everything change the minute we walk in. It was no problem with us going to our bedroom. If you normally park in the same spot at work each day then one day you get there and there's another car in that spot do you demand they move their car? No, you find another spot.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you aren't grasping how big of an ask it is to have an adult and then an adult and a newborn stay with you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> She shares her place with another woman, so not really convenient for him to go there.


But that's her home and where she's going to be raising the baby. It's not convenient any way you go about it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

YOU don't see the TV thing as a big deal.

Your wife does, and therein lies your problem. Things that bother her in her own home are dismissed as no big deal because they're not a big deal to you. Even if you don't end up doing anything about it you might at least acknowledge that your wife might be bothered by things that don't bother you and she's entitled to feel how she feels.

I hope you two work this out, because your daughter is going to be there with a newborn for a lot longer then you realize.

I also hope you plan on getting up at night and not eyeballing your wife to do it because you imagine she should have some kind of mother instincts for someone else's baby.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seems to me that having your pregnant daughter with an impending newborn in the house is a pretty freaking big inconvenience that's she's agreed to.
> 
> Are you sure you want to argue over things like dresser drawers and Netflix?


I love this answer!!

Thank your Stars if you have normal lives and problems.

.....................................................
@4thtwin is so weary and (now) thin skinned, he has lost his manliness.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

.........................................

Buy another damn dresser.

If money is tight, buy one at Goodwill, or some other 2nd hand place.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

With all the participants present, state the length of the stay.
This time period, needs to to be agreed on, firstly with your wife.

.................................................................................................

That said, bless, both of you for being so generous with your home.
But, there has to be limits on these things.

You have already raised your children. Their children are theirs.

Ah, so easy to say....and mean.
Mean, and not to be mean!

It is the babies that suffer.

Adults must carry their own load.

This world is unraveling, with so many broken people having babies.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> YOU don't see the TV thing as a big deal.
> 
> Your wife does, and therein lies your problem. Things that bother her in her own home are dismissed as no big deal because they're not a big deal to you. Even if you don't end up doing anything about it you might at least acknowledge that your wife might be bothered by things that don't bother you and she's entitled to feel how she feels.
> 
> ...


^^^THIS^^^
I'm not saying that you should not help your daughter. This is not an either/or situation. I'm just saying that your wife does not feel the same as you and does not look at the situation the same as you. And just because she doesn't feel the same way as you does not make her selfish. It will get worse for your wife after the baby arrives. What I am saying is that you need to pay some special attention to your wife right now because she may be feeling that she is being pushed aside. Talk to her!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Good luck working at home with a screaming baby in the background. I hope your wife isn't also trying to work at home. There's just no reason at all for you to be moving your wife's stuff and replacing it with your daughters if it's temporary.

And you need to tell your daughter to stay away from your wife's TV and space your wife is relaxing in.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yep, boundaries; those pesky walls need erecting, and maintained.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kindness cannot be divided, and then sub-divided.
Someone is going to get the short straw, and then be unhappy.
Watered down kindness, angers, more than sates.

Love is wonderful, but it has its limits.
It must be, lest we bleed ourselves dry.
Dry as old saints, laying in tombs.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

This is his daughter and his first grandchild. New mothers need help especially in the first few days and weeks. I can’t even comprehend not being willing to disrupt my “routine” for a few weeks to help. People are so selfish.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Imo your daughter should be showing gratitude. She needs to know she is a guest, and she shouldn’t get too comfortable, because this isn’t like living back home with mom and dad. 
I don’t know what your daughters behavior is, but she should be cleaning up after herself, putting away her dishes, thank you so much for letting me stay here, is there anything I can do to help? Blah blah blah. 

As far as the clothes go, I don’t blame your wife. 

The think the problem is, you want your daughter to feel at home, and create an environment that is like her home. Her room etc. and your wife wants it to be known that this isn’t her home, this is in fact you and your wife’s home and you guys are nice enough to allow her to stay there for a few weeks. So not to get too comfortable. 

I don’t know how your daughter is acting, but if she is getting too entitled and too comfortable that is not going to fly with your wife, if your wife is feeling all the inconveniences. If she has to change her life, do more work for your daughter and your daughter not being gracious can really rub people the wrong way.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Good luck working at home with a screaming baby in the background. I hope your wife isn't also trying to work at home. There's just no reason at all for you to be moving your wife's stuff and replacing it with your daughters if it's temporary.
> 
> And you need to tell your daughter to stay away from your wife's TV and space your wife is relaxing in.


I agree.

This isn’t like she is coming over and visiting, then no one would care about the tv situation. This is about a girl who may be getting too comfortable. I bet if she was more respectful and gracious the wife wouldn’t mind it as much. 

Just putting myself in that girls shoes... I wouldn’t be expecting people to just take care of me and rearrange their life. Unless of course the dad gave her that impression. 
I hope he didn’t tell her, oh come live with us, we can give you your own room and it will be yours, and we can help take care of you and the baby. We would love too! I think the key is setting up realistic expectations to her. This girl needs to Figure out her long term situation instead of watching tv.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> This is his daughter and his first grandchild. New mothers need help especially in the first few days and weeks. I can’t even comprehend not being willing to disrupt my “routine” for a few weeks to help. People are so selfish.


New mothers do need help. New mothers perhaps should make sure they can properly care for any children they decide to have, along with the father of their children, though. That's what being an adult and a parent is. This new mother is becoming a child though, and needs her own parent to step in and parent both her and her child. 

Help to new mothers who are adults and ready to be parents themselves usually comes in the form of help from the father of the child, and _grandparents coming in to the new parents' house_ for a bit to lend a hand, or nannies.

It's not the norm to move in with your parents again when you have a child.

OP's wife is putting up with a lot. 

I can't even imagine having a newborn (not mine) in the house with no option of getting away because the newborn is visiting MY house.

It's going to be miserable.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> This is his daughter and his first grandchild. New mothers need help especially in the first few days and weeks. I can’t even comprehend not being willing to disrupt my “routine” for a few weeks to help. People are so selfish.


Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, this is my first "official" grandchild but not my first grandchild. My step-son has 2 children and one we open our home to every other weekend and we love, absolutely love having her here. She is the princess of the house when she's here. We have been telling her that there will be another princess coming and she's excited about it. 

I just love how people think this is just my wife's house and I need to run everything through her for approval. Right to an extent. But WE did discuss my daughter coming here for a few weeks because she fully knows the situation with my daughter's roommate and her child's father. I'm her dad and I want to make sure she had adequate and fast transportation to the hospital when she goes into labor. No one is pushing my wife to the back burner but in this case my wife needs to understand a little more. This is my only child and I'll do anything within reason to help her out. But then again, this is not just her house and I'm not just a tenant, roommate, or border. I have just as much say so as she does. I think too many times guys like to coward down to their wives for fear of retaliation. My wife and I are a partnership. She doesn't make all the rules and I just follow them. If I'm coming across as harsh then I'm sorry but I refuse to just stand in the shadows of my wife like a good little husband. We are a team. Even if a family member or friend stops by for a visit that is a disruption to any home so I can understand the inconvenience in that but we're talking about someone who is fearful of first of all bringing a new life into the world and secondly need some guidance before and after she's born. I love my wife ands I love my daughter but right now my daughter needs me a little more than my wife does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> New mothers do need help. New mothers perhaps should make sure they can properly care for any children they decide to have, along with the father of their children, though. That's what being an adult and a parent is. This new mother is becoming a child though, and needs her own parent to step in and parent both her and her child.
> 
> Help to new mothers who are adults and ready to be parents themselves usually comes in the form of help from the father of the child, and _grandparents coming in to the new parents' house_ for a bit to lend a hand, or nannies.
> 
> ...


I agree. When each of my grandchildren arrived, I went to their house early every morning for the first month to spend the day and help with whatever was needed.

The days were very long and I was exhausted when my “shift” was over. I can’t begin to imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been able to go home every evening to peace and quiet.

It takes more than a couple of days to adjust to a new baby. My guess is that she’ll be there for awhile.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I agree.
> 
> This isn’t like she is coming over and visiting, then no one would care about the tv situation. This is about a girl who may be getting too comfortable. I bet if she was more respectful and gracious the wife wouldn’t mind it as much.
> 
> ...


How is she not respectful? She's only been here 3 days! My daughter primarily stays in her room. We were out so she just wanted to watch Netflix on the better TV in our living room. How is that disrespectful? I can't demand someone give up the TV in a certain room simply because I'm now home. I can just as easily go to another room. It's not that hard to do. If you run your home like a tyrant, "Everything is mine, mine, mine so don't touch anything" then maybe you need to remain single.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You and your wife may have discussed it beforehand but I’d say she’s not nearly as on board with it as you are. Maybe she’ll change after the baby’s here or maybe not. That’s obviously up to her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, this is my first "official" grandchild but not my first grandchild. My step-son has 2 children and one we open our home to every other weekend and we love, absolutely love having her here. She is the princess of the house when she's here. We have been telling her that there will be another princess coming and she's excited about it.
> 
> I just love how people think this is just my wife's house and I need to run everything through her for approval. Right to an extent. But WE did discuss my daughter coming here for a few weeks because she fully knows the situation with my daughter's roommate and her child's father. I'm her dad and I want to make sure she had adequate and fast transportation to the hospital when she goes into labor. No one is pushing my wife to the back burner but in this case my wife needs to understand a little more. This is my only child and I'll do anything within reason to help her out. But then again, this is not just her house and I'm not just a tenant, roommate, or border. I have just as much say so as she does. I think too many times guys like to coward down to their wives for fear of retaliation. My wife and I are a partnership. She doesn't make all the rules and I just follow them. If I'm coming across as harsh then I'm sorry but I refuse to just stand in the shadows of my wife like a good little husband. We are a team. Even if a family member or friend stops by for a visit that is a disruption to any home so I can understand the inconvenience in that but we're talking about someone who is fearful of first of all bringing a new life into the world and secondly need some guidance before and after she's born. I love my wife ands I love my daughter but right now my daughter needs me a little more than my wife does.


What I just got from that is that you're going to do what you're going to do and you don't really care if your wife likes it or not, only that it inconveniences you because she's not just going along with it silently. No wonder she's mad.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> How is she not respectful? She's only been here 3 days! My daughter primarily stays in her room. We were out so she just wanted to watch Netflix on the better TV in our living room. How is that disrespectful? I can't demand someone give up the TV in a certain room simply because I'm now home. I can just as easily go to another room. It's not that hard to do. If you run your home like a tyrant, "Everything is mine, mine, mine so don't touch anything" then maybe you need to remain single.


I didn’t mean to say she was disrespectful. I am saying that there is a lot of information missing, and one is how your daughter is acting and treating your wife: you are leaving this information out, and I figured it was for a reason.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

The other thing I noticed when you wrote this is just how biased it is. Your speak really critically of your wife’s kids but kind of gloss over that your daughter isn’t a saint. 

You called your wife’s kids lazy, and said they have a felony, and have multiple kids with different people.
What about your daughter? Does she have a job. Is she lazy too? You said the guy is no longer get in the picture but he is involved... Doesn’t sound like he is. Sounds like he left her high and dry and went to NJ. You said he faced “bad luck” and doesn’t have a job. Ok come on. First you don’t know if he is going to be involved or not, the baby isn’t here. How come he has bad luck, but the reason your wife’s kids don’t have a job is because they are lazy. Also, your daughter will eventually have two kids with two different guys; just like your wife’s kids.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What I just got from that is that you're going to do what you're going to do and you don't really care if your wife likes it or not, only that it inconveniences you because she's not just going along with it silently. No wonder she's mad.


No, I'm not going to do what I want to do but my wife doesn't make all the final decisions either. Sometimes she has to go along with what I decide. She has already told me that she hope I don't think that this baby will be over to our house all the time. In a sense, she's telling me when I can see my grandchild. I would love to have my step-son's daughter here more often but grandma only wants her here every other weekend. If I want to go pick up my granddaughter and bring her to our house for a few hours then I do not need my wife's permission. How do you tell your spouse they can only bring the grandbaby over when you feel like being bothered? No, my wife is not going to dictate when I can and can't see my grandbaby.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Here is my perspective: when I had a boyfriend living with me, and he and his son moved in, there was a period of adjustment for me and my son but eventually we worked out a rhythm. When his mother started showing signs of dementia and couldn't live on her own, she moved in with us. And I am definitely of the opinion that when you are making a family, every member of the family is family, irregardless of which side of the family they come from. So I treated his mother nicely, made her breakfast and coffee in the mornings. But the resentments do start to build up, because once my half an hour in the morning when I got up early to have coffee on my own before everyone got up evaporated and she would come out of her room the second she heard me, I couldn't get time alone to cook dinner, without her coming in and trying to help. The nicest, most gracious person in your home can start to feel like an imposition since the routines you built up before they came along are upset, especially once they are there for a while. It feels frustrating and when you express even mild frustration to your partner, they very often are annoyed because the new arrival is someone they love dearly who is important to them. So just want you to be aware, this is damned hard on your wife too. Not because she is selfish (although the drawer thing was a bit petty) but because it is all a bit nebulous - she won't know the end date of your daughter's move out until you guys talk it over, but I would imagine it will take several weeks for your daughter to recover and start to be able to manage in her new life as a mother, and for you to care for the baby. Maybe she feels anxious because of the baby, and not knowing her role or how she is supposed to act and feel. This was her home and she might want to welcome your daughter, but feel like she can't be herself or doesn't have her own space anymore with you. Or as someone else suggested like she is being pushed aside to make way for your daughter. 

You wont' know until you and she sit down and really, truly, TALK about it. Ask what her concerns are and notice that she seems anxious or frustrated and you'd love to talk about it then listen, without judging or defending. Then explain to her your point of view. Then try and come up with a compromise you both find acceptable.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> No, I'm not going to do what I want to do but my wife doesn't make all the final decisions either. Sometimes she has to go along with what I decide. She has already told me that she hope I don't think that this baby will be over to our house all the time. In a sense, she's telling me when I can see my grandchild. I would love to have my step-son's daughter here more often but grandma only wants her here every other weekend. If I want to go pick up my granddaughter and bring her to our house for a few hours then I do not need my wife's permission. How do you tell your spouse they can only bring the grandbaby over when you feel like being bothered? No, my wife is not going to dictate when I can and can't see my grandbaby.


So tell her that. That’s not unreasonable. 

But that’s different then your adult daughter living with you guys.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I didn’t mean to say she was disrespectful. I am saying that there is a lot of information missing, and one is how your daughter is acting and treating your wife: you are leaving this information out, and I figured it was for a reason.


My wife and daughter get along fine. They're not yelling or cursing each other out. They're not butting heads. My daughter even brought some of her own groceries with her as to not eat all out food. Every time my daughter has a doctor's visit she makes sure to tell her step-mom what was said. There's no tension there. It would be great to give you some 16+ years of their history in one forum post but I can't. Just like I can't post everything here please do not read something in the post that is not there.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> The other thing I noticed when you wrote this is just how biased it is. Your speak really critically of your wife’s kids but kind of gloss over that your daughter isn’t a saint.
> 
> You called your wife’s kids lazy, and said they have a felony, and have multiple kids with different people.
> What about your daughter? Does she have a job. Is she lazy too? You said the guy is no longer get in the picture but he is involved... Doesn’t sound like he is. Sounds like he left her high and dry and went to NJ. You said he faced “bad luck” and doesn’t have a job. Ok come on. First you don’t know if he is going to be involved or not, the baby isn’t here. How come he has bad luck, but the reason your wife’s kids don’t have a job is because they are lazy. Also, your daughter will eventually have two kids with two different guys; just like your wife’s kids.


I'm just stating facts. My daughter is gainfully employed, about to go on maternity leave. She's had a constant job for several years. This is her first child, so no multiple babies daddies all over the place. Her and the child's father are no longer a couple but they still get along great for the sake of the new baby on the way. You don't have to be dating to co-parent a child. He didn't leave her high and dry. He lost his job down her and thus lost his apartment so he decided to go home to NJ with his family in the mean time. Hi didn't just up and skip town. He's made several trips down here to be with her but I told her that under no circumstances should he allow him to just move in. So because my daughter has one kid then that automatically means she'll have a second kid by someone else? How harsh is that to say? I had one child many years ago and I've dated many people since her mom and I still only have ONE child. A lot of people only have 1 child. So don't curse the situation by making the blanket statement "she will eventually have two kids by two different guys just like my wife's kids."


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> No, I'm not going to do what I want to do but my wife doesn't make all the final decisions either. Sometimes she has to go along with what I decide. She has already told me that she hope I don't think that this baby will be over to our house all the time. In a sense, she's telling me when I can see my grandchild. I would love to have my step-son's daughter here more often but grandma only wants her here every other weekend. If I want to go pick up my granddaughter and bring her to our house for a few hours then I do not need my wife's permission. How do you tell your spouse they can only bring the grandbaby over when you feel like being bothered? No, my wife is not going to dictate when I can and can't see my grandbaby.


Then you are going to have an unhappy marriage. You're just not respecting her privacy at all. You can see your grandchildren over at their own home. I'm not saying every time, but you're doing a lot of complaining for someone who has a lot of options here. These people have a place to live, and you can go there and avoid all this conflict, but I'm getting the sense that you feel that is too inconvenient for you.

Your wife has a right to expect some boundaries if she sharing the home with you. I don't blame you for not wanting the felon
son there, but if I was her and under these new circumstances, I would probably just move out and then she can do whatever she wants about the son and you can let the daughter take over the house and you'll never have to leave to go see your grandkid.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> New mothers do need help. New mothers perhaps should make sure they can properly care for any children they decide to have, along with the father of their children, though. That's what being an adult and a parent is. This new mother is becoming a child though, and needs her own parent to step in and parent both her and her child.
> 
> Help to new mothers who are adults and ready to be parents themselves usually comes in the form of help from the father of the child, and _grandparents coming in to the new parents' house_ for a bit to lend a hand, or nannies.
> 
> ...


It’s going to be miserable? Christ on a cracker!! It’s going to be amazing! As a brand new grandmother I am ecstatic to spend as much time as I can with my grandson. Looking in his eyes brings so much joy I can’t even articulate. Everyone is acting like she is moving in with a pack of unruly toddlers. 
I agree it is a disruption of ones normal routine and it may at times be a pain in the ass at times but it’s a brand new life and we don’t live forever. There are grandparents that never get to see their grandchildren who would jump at the chance to spend some time with them. It’s all about perspective...


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> So tell her that. That’s not unreasonable.
> 
> But that’s different then your adult daughter living with you guys.


And my adult child will nto be staying. Why don't people understand that. She has her own apartment. She will be going back to that apartment soon enough.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

The other thing that occurred to me was, did you speak to your wife and agree together that your daughter would come stay with you before you invited her? Or did you decide by yourself and inform your wife? It's not about asking "permission" it's about consideration and consulting your partner before making a decision that effects both of you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, this is my first "official" grandchild but not my first grandchild. My step-son has 2 children and one we open our home to every other weekend and we love, absolutely love having her here. She is the princess of the house when she's here. We have been telling her that there will be another princess coming and she's excited about it.
> 
> I just love how people think this is just my wife's house and I need to run everything through her for approval. Right to an extent. But WE did discuss my daughter coming here for a few weeks because she fully knows the situation with my daughter's roommate and her child's father. I'm her dad and I want to make sure she had adequate and fast transportation to the hospital when she goes into labor. No one is pushing my wife to the back burner but in this case my wife needs to understand a little more. This is my only child and I'll do anything within reason to help her out. But then again, this is not just her house and I'm not just a tenant, roommate, or border. I have just as much say so as she does. I think too many times guys like to coward down to their wives for fear of retaliation. My wife and I are a partnership. She doesn't make all the rules and I just follow them. If I'm coming across as harsh then I'm sorry but I refuse to just stand in the shadows of my wife like a good little husband. We are a team. Even if a family member or friend stops by for a visit that is a disruption to any home so I can understand the inconvenience in that but we're talking about someone who is fearful of first of all bringing a new life into the world and secondly need some guidance before and after she's born. I love my wife ands I love my daughter but right now my daughter needs me a little more than my wife does.


That is how life works. Adjustments need to be made. If she stays a month maybe we can revisit the objections. 😂


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> There are grandparents that never get to see their grandchildren who would jump at the chance to spend some time with them. It’s all about perspective...


We are two of them. Like I said, my step-son has another child by another girl and we haven't' seen her since Christmas of 2019. This girl refuses to let us see her citing "she doesn't know us well enough for her to let us see her daughter." Maybe I'm wrong here but if you lay down with a guy and get pregnant by him then that child has grandparents now. You can't just isolate your child away from them because you don't now them. What efforts are you making to get to know them?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

How long do you think she will be staying with you in total?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

joannacroc said:


> The other thing that occurred to me was, did you speak to your wife and agree together that your daughter would come stay with you before you invited her? Or did you decide by yourself and inform your wife? It's not about asking "permission" it's about consideration and consulting your partner before making a decision that effects both of you.


Look, again, WE discussed this. My daughter didn't just show up with a bag.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The wife shouldn't no way be displaced while the daughter is there.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> How long do you think she will be staying with you in total?


Right now I'm thinking a week, maybe more after the baby is born.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The wife shouldn't no way be displaced while the daughter is there.


Displaced? At worst it seems she may have to get dressed in her room rather than the living room. 😳
Have you never had a house guest?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Right now I'm thinking a week, maybe more after the baby is born.


Does your wife have to sleep on the couch?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why did you ask for opinions? You don't really seem interested...all you've done is thank the poster that agreed with you and fight with posters who don't.

Its pretty clear you're not especially open to the possibility that maybe your wife has valid objections, so carry on and do what you want.

Hopefully it will work for you guys. We're just a bunch of internet strangers with no dog in this fight so since you've got your mind made up what we think doesn't matter.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s going to be miserable? Christ on a cracker!! It’s going to be amazing! As a brand new grandmother I am ecstatic to spend as much time as I can with my grandson. Looking in his eyes brings so much joy I can’t even articulate. Everyone is acting like she is moving in with a pack of unruly toddlers.
> I agree it is a disruption of ones normal routine and it may at times be a pain in the ass at times but it’s a brand new life and we don’t live forever. There are grandparents that never get to see their grandchildren who would jump at the chance to spend some time with them. It’s all about perspective...


You may be right.

But then again, not everyone thinks like you or likes what you like. Also, everyone's experiences are different.

Lots of unknowns here.

Just saying.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> It’s going to be miserable? Christ on a cracker!! It’s going to be amazing! As a brand new grandmother I am ecstatic to spend as much time as I can with my grandson. Looking in his eyes brings so much joy I can’t even articulate. Everyone is acting like she is moving in with a pack of unruly toddlers.
> I agree it is a disruption of ones normal routine and it may at times be a pain in the ass at times but it’s a brand new life and we don’t live forever. There are grandparents that never get to see their grandchildren who would jump at the chance to spend some time with them. It’s all about perspective...


When's the last time you had a newborn (not yours) come live with you 24 hours a day?

Oh indeed they can be miserable if they cry constantly and if they cry throughout the night, night after night.... and especially if this happens in your own home and there is no option is getting away.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I feel like the OP is being ganged up on. What he is asking for is far from unusual. There is another active thread here with a woman having twins. All the outpouring of love for the innocent babies involved. How they will need love and support etc. Yet this poor man is trying to do exactly that which is what parents do for their kids. We have one life to live and if you can’t help your children and grandchildren when they need you what is the point? This world is hard enough...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

.... I loved my newborns desperately but thinking about that newborn baby cry still makes me sweat. Not in a good way.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> When's the last time you had a newborn (not yours) come live with you 24 hours a day?
> 
> Oh indeed they can be miserable if they cry constantly and if they cry throughout the night, night after night.... and especially if this happens in your own home and there is no option is getting away.


Just last night in fact. My daughter just had a baby boy. They are here everyday. 😁


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> I feel like the OP is being ganged up on. What he is asking for is far from unusual. There is another active thread here with a woman having twins. All the outpouring of love for the innocent babies involved. How they will need love and support etc. Yet this poor man is trying to do exactly that which is what parents do for their kids. We have one life to live and if you can’t help your children and grandchildren when they need you what is the point? This world is hard enough...


It is unusual. Most adult children don't move back in with their parent(s) when having children.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Torninhalf said:


> Just last night in fact. My daughter just had a baby boy. They are here everyday. 😁


Did they move in with you? 24 hours a day?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> You may be right.
> 
> But then again, not everyone thinks like you or likes what you like. Also, everyone's experiences are different.
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying but this girl isn’t moving in with them. She is staying a week or so. 😂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Displaced? At worst it seems she may have to get dressed in her room rather than the living room. 😳
> Have you never had a house guest?


Not one I cleaned my bureau out for and turned my TV over to who was bringing a baby and staying for more than 2 hours.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> It is unusual. Most adult children don't move back in with their parent(s) when having children.


She isn’t moving in...she is staying for the last few days of her pregnancy and for a few days after.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Not one I cleaned my bureau out for and turned my TV over to who was bringing a baby and staying for more than 2 hours.


From what I understood the daughter used the TV in the livingroom while they were out. I turned my spare bedroom into a nursery so my daughter would come over more often and bring that bundle of joy with her. 😂


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Did they move in with you? 24 hours a day?


She is welcome to move in anytime she likes. She is my child. The OP stated this is temporary, perhaps a week or so. Ive had my kids friends visit from out of town longer than that. 😂


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Good grief, it isn't like the OP is inviting in some stranger to stay for an unlimited amount of time - it is his daughter. Exactly what would you have the daughter do? She is going to need help for at least a few days and apparently does not have a lot of options available to her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> I get what you are saying but this girl isn’t moving in with them. She is staying a week or so. 😂


Why does one need to clean out a dresser for a week?

She's a first time mom without the father. You really think she'll be ready to leave after a week? A week wouldn't be a big deal....I agree with that....I just question if that's reasonable having birthed two children myself. We have no idea what kind of circumstances the delivery will involve or how difficult the baby will be.

I also notice OP never addressed what was going to be asked of his wife in terms of taking care of a newborn. That would be helpful information.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Torninhalf said:


> She isn’t moving in...she is staying for the last few days of her pregnancy and for a few days after.


Who actually believes this?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Torninhalf said:


> Does your wife have to sleep on the couch?


Definitely not. She's in the bed with me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP has already moved the goal posts. At first he said a couple of days after the baby is born, then later he said a week.

He's never answered how well the house is soundproofed, either. I know in my house, I have heard guests snoring in the other bedroom. Imagine what having a crying newborn come to live in your house could be like.

This isn't his wife's daughter, keep in mind. It's kind of like an in-law.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your first clue in this was when your wife didn’t want her son’s daughter over every weekend as you do. She’s not going to miraculously change when it’s your daughter’s child that she’s dealing with.

She’s telling you ahead of time that she doesn’t want the new baby over there a lot (whatever that might mean). How all of that plays out remains to be seen but I’m betting it will be a source of contention going forward.

It’s admirable that you’re an involved grandparent. I get it. I’ve always been there for my grandchildren under all circumstances and no matter the amount of inconvenience involved. My ex-husband tended to be a little like your wife — not as okay with inconvenience.

People aren’t the same. The two of you aren’t likely going to be in sync about this. Hopefully, you both will be able to find a compromise that you can each be happy with.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why did you ask for opinions? You don't really seem interested...all you've done is thank the poster that agreed with you and fight with posters who don't.
> 
> Its pretty clear you're not especially open to the possibility that maybe your wife has valid objections, so carry on and do what you want.
> 
> Hopefully it will work for you guys. We're just a bunch of internet strangers with no dog in this fight so since you've got your mind made up what we think doesn't matter.


I don't think I'm arguing with anyone but those who disagree with me seem to want to add bits to the story that aren't there. One person said that my daughter will most likely have multiple kids by multiple guys. She has one child, her first child. Others are speculating that we're just running over my wife which again is not the case. All of this was discussed with her before anyone moved in. I want opinions but not accusations.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> OP has already moved the goal posts. At first he said a couple of days after the baby is born, then later he said a week.
> 
> He's never answered how well the house is soundproofed, either. I know in my house, I have heard guests snoring in the other bedroom. Imagine what having a crying newborn come to live in your house could be like.
> 
> This isn't his wife's daughter, keep in mind. It's kind of like an in-law.


I totally agree. It’s been many decades since I was responsible for a newborn 24/7 but remembering that quavering cry in the middle of the night takes me back and not in a good way. There were several reasons I went to my grandchildren when they were newborns, instead of having them come to me, and sleep was a big part of it.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why does one need to clean out a dresser for a week?
> 
> She's a first time mom without the father. You really think she'll be ready to leave after a week? A week wouldn't be a big deal....I agree with that....I just question if that's reasonable having birthed two children myself. We have no idea what kind of circumstances the delivery will involve or how difficult the baby will be.
> 
> I also notice OP never addressed what was going to be asked of his wife in terms of taking care of a newborn. That would be helpful information.


Again, let me clarify the issue with the dresser once and for all.

My wife and I had already decided to turn one of the spare bedrooms into a room for our 4 year old grand daughter and the new born baby when they come to visit. We put a bed in there for the 4 year old and bought a crib for the baby. The dresser was already in there from when the boys were living with us. After they left my wife started putting her over flow clothes in it and left one drawer for the 4 year old's clothes. Now that we are converting the room to a nursery we are cleaning up the room. We gutted the closet and I just suggested that my wife move her things to the top of he closet as to leave the entire dresser for the two girls. She refuses stating that would inconvenience her to have to look in the closet compared to digging through a drawer. NO, NO, NO, I did not expect my wife to move her clothes so my daughter could use the dresser. She is basically living out of her suitcase. She will not be using the dresser at all. The dresser will be for the clothes of the 4 year old and the newborn. 

Care for the baby will be between 3 households. Our house here as the grandparents. My parent's house as the great-grandparents. Any one of my sister's house, as the great aunt and the god-mother. We decided that because of covid it was not safe to send the baby to a day care at the moment. My wife is thrilled with having the baby here. She's already decided the baby will sit in her little seat next to her on the floor while she works. My wife and I both work from home. So does my sister. And my parents are retired. Again, I think most of you are missing the point. The more I say this is a temporary thing the more everyone seems to want to twist it into and indefinite stay. My daughter has her own place and will be returning to her apt as soon as she is comfortable with having a baby at home alone.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I totally agree. It’s been many decades since I was responsible for a newborn 24/7 but remembering that quavering cry in the middle of the night takes me back and not in a good way. There were several reasons I went to my grandchildren when they were newborns, instead of having them come to me, and sleep was a big part of it.


So I have to discuss the soundproofing of my house to make people feel comfortable now. Really! 

My daughter will be here to take care of HER baby. We're not sending her home then bringing the baby with us.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

There are a lot of people making a lot of assumptions on this thread. 

Good luck to you and your wife, OP. I hope your daughter has an easy delivery. 

Grandchildren are the absolute best! I have one grandson that is three years old. He lives 7 hours away from me. I'd give anything if they were closer. I would love to be able to keep him regularly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

“... will be returning to her apartment as soon as she is comfortable with having a baby at home alone”. The point is that no one knows when that will be. It could be a few days or it could be a few weeks or, the truth is, who knows how long. It just depends and everyone is different.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you sorely underestimate the havoc a newborn will create in your home, especially when you and your wife are trying to A sleep and then B both work from home.😯

I'm not going to post in this thread again. You seen to want to fight back to comments you are getting (even though you are the one who came here looking for advice).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

karole said:


> Good grief, it isn't like the OP





4thtwin said:


> Again, let me clarify the issue with the dresser once and for all.
> 
> My wife and I had already decided to turn one of the spare bedrooms into a room for our 4 year old grand daughter and the new born baby when they come to visit. We put a bed in there for the 4 year old and bought a crib for the baby. The dresser was already in there from when the boys were living with us. After they left my wife started putting her over flow clothes in it and left one drawer for the 4 year old's clothes. Now that we are converting the room to a nursery we are cleaning up the room. We gutted the closet and I just suggested that my wife move her things to the top of he closet as to leave the entire dresser for the two girls. She refuses stating that would inconvenience her to have to look in the closet compared to digging through a drawer. NO, NO, NO, I did not expect my wife to move her clothes so my daughter could use the dresser. She is basically living out of her suitcase. She will not be using the dresser at all. The dresser will be for the clothes of the 4 year old and the newborn.
> 
> Care for the baby will be between 3 households. Our house here as the grandparents. My parent's house as the great-grandparents. Any one of my sister's house, as the great aunt and the god-mother. We decided that because of covid it was not safe to send the baby to a day care at the moment. My wife is thrilled with having the baby here. She's already decided the baby will sit in her little seat next to her on the floor while she works. My wife and I both work from home. So does my sister. And my parents are retired. Again, I think most of you are missing the point. The more I say this is a temporary thing the more everyone seems to want to twist it into and indefinite stay. My daughter has her own place and will be returning to her apt as soon as she is comfortable with having a baby at home alone.


Well then it sounds like she's on board with the major things and that's good.

So as I asked in my very first post, is the dresser really worth fighting over? If it means that much to her? Seems like a small thing for all that she's willingly taking on.

And there's always the possibility that if you drop it and are happy with all that she's agreed to take on she may decide on her own that she agrees with you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> So I have to discuss the soundproofing of my house to make people feel comfortable now. Really!
> 
> My daughter will be here to take care of HER baby. We're not sending her home then bringing the baby with us.


I didn’t bring up soundproofing but hopefully yours is sufficient. Newborns aren’t exactly quiet — especially in the middle of the night. Earplugs help.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Let me give you a little more insight on my wife. Anything that doesn't go her way is an "inconvenience" to her. Case in point.

At our church the property has been on the market several years and we recently sold the building. We are looking to move to a larger facility. Since then we have downsized the chairs to a max of 50 to go along with CDC guidelines for Covid. My wife and I, along with our 4 year old granddaughter, use to sit on one section of chairs. Now that the church is packing up we have removed a number of the chairs and spaced the remaining 50 approx. 6 to 7 feet apart. The other Sunday my wife went to church along with our granddaughter and she pulled another chair close to her so our 4 year old could sit next to her. Not one person said a thing to her about it. When we got home she said that was an inconvenience to her by having to move that chair so on the weekends we have her they won't be going to church because she shouldn't have to or doesn't want to move a chair closer to her. In my wife's head everyone should accommodate her. They should have left the chairs the way they were because she was use to all the chairs being together and now that they are spaced apart it's an inconvenience to her.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> I didn’t bring up soundproofing but hopefully yours is sufficient. Newborns aren’t exactly quiet — especially in the middle of the night. Earplugs help.


No, you didn't but the person you replied to did. See, this is how things get our of control by adding points that are not there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If that’s how your wife is then that’s how she is. She doesn’t like being inconvenienced. And you’re aware of that so her reaction to any of this shouldn’t surprise you. Hopefully, you can find a workaround.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

joannacroc said:


> The other thing that occurred to me was, did you speak to your wife and agree together that your daughter would come stay with you before you invited her? Or did you decide by yourself and inform your wife? It's not about asking "permission" it's about consideration and consulting your partner before making a decision that effects both of you.


She may have invited someone else to use that room during the same time period without letting you know.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I think it sounds like your wife has anxiety. Having things be in the same spots and doing things the same helps keep it at bay. Your daughter being there are is changing her routine, the church limiting chairs is changing her routine. If you don’t have anxiety they seem like trivial things you just adapt to, not major stressors.

Her *****ing about these things to you might be her release.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

you’re a reasonable guy. 
but you're expecting your wife to be the same. She isn’t.
you’re not expecting too much, but it’s more than your wife wants to give.
You have room in your heart for your stepson’s kids, and that’s awesome. Gotta realize your wife may not for her stepdaughter’s baby. I hope she does. Not guaranteed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> That's certainly what the hospitals and insurance companies think.


No they dont , they just dont wnat you there longer than medically needed. She will still need help and support.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The wife shouldn't no way be displaced while the daughter is there.


Displaced? How old is she 15? Good grief when I read that she complained about having to move one chair in church I thought wow, what is wrong with her. Most parents help their children out when they have children. Its what families do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> When's the last time you had a newborn (not yours) come live with you 24 hours a day?
> 
> Oh indeed they can be miserable if they cry constantly and if they cry throughout the night, night after night.... and especially if this happens in your own home and there is no option is getting away.


Very recently in our case, for over 2 months initially, and 5 months in the first year. So what if they cry, she is only going to be there for one week, just 7 days. The baby will be their grandchild, how sad that she cant put herself out just a little for one week to help out the daughter and baby. I think thats very sad.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Displaced? How old is she 15? Good grief when I read that she complained about having to move one chair in church I thought wow, what is wrong with her. Most parents help their children out when they have children. Its what families do.


He's not letting her have her felon son there though, so you know there's going to be resentment about that. My main point is that there's other options because she has a place to live. I don't see why they would want to go through setting up a nursery and all the baby stuff temporarily at his place when they could be setting it up permanently at hers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

4thtwin said:


> Let me give you a little more insight on my wife. Anything that doesn't go her way is an "inconvenience" to her. Case in point.
> 
> At our church the property has been on the market several years and we recently sold the building. We are looking to move to a larger facility. Since then we have downsized the chairs to a max of 50 to go along with CDC guidelines for Covid. My wife and I, along with our 4 year old granddaughter, use to sit on one section of chairs. Now that the church is packing up we have removed a number of the chairs and spaced the remaining 50 approx. 6 to 7 feet apart. The other Sunday my wife went to church along with our granddaughter and she pulled another chair close to her so our 4 year old could sit next to her. Not one person said a thing to her about it. When we got home she said that was an inconvenience to her by having to move that chair so on the weekends we have her they won't be going to church because she shouldn't have to or doesn't want to move a chair closer to her. In my wife's head everyone should accommodate her. They should have left the chairs the way they were because she was use to all the chairs being together and now that they are spaced apart it's an inconvenience to her.


Thats just unbelievable.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

I think the below is a really good post and mostly correct. But I would add @4thtwin, while this is probably how your wife feels, and she has every right in the world to feel this way, it's really sad for you that she feels that way.

She sounds like my ex a bit -- he would never say "no your family can't come visit" or "no you can't go see them." but he would make DAMN SURE I knew how miserable, unhappy, and inconvenienced he was. And make sure I thought long and hard before ever suggesting he be exposed to anyone I knew before him again.

On relationship forums like this, people would often lecture me on how wrong it was to impose something he didn't want on him. And yes, it probably is wrong to impose your will on your spouse.

But I realized the solution was not to force my will on him and demand he enjoy something he hated, but to find someone who naturally enjoyed family and visitors and whose instinct was to *want *to help family & friends. 

You and your wife both have legitimate feelings. It's just a real disappointment for you that she feels the way she does and here you are married to her. God, who wants to feel like they can't help a relative in need (who has never done anything wrong) because their spouse it too emotionally stingy, stuck in her ways, etc.

Still I repeat my original advice -- be exceptionally kind and loving to your wife. Make sure she knows you love and appreciate her. She's not suddenly a third wheel in her own home. (It's very easy to feel that way as a step parent.) Ask her how she's feeling (I dare you!) and actively listen to her grievances, even if they're illogical, selfish, and small minded on her part (like the clothes in the dresser). That one IS really petty on her part IMO, but she IS your wife and right now she is probably feeling insecure because of the situation with her son, and irritated because she is NOT flexible--things like the clothes are probably an unconscious test on her part to see whose side you're on. 

This is the hardest time to reassure her because she is being petty (IMO) and a total disappointment to you, but the way you handle this could set the tone for years to come -- you don't want your wife competing with your daughter. When your wife acts like a three year old, you need to figure out how to outsmart a three year old.

And applying simple logic to her emotional behavior is not going to work.

Good luck!

PS - Has your wife always been standoffish toward your daughter? Has her "creature of habit" way caused frustration/disappointment for you before? DO you really love and enjoy your wife?




Diceplayer said:


> You are projecting your way of thinking onto your wife. Your daughter is not your wife's daughter so she doesn't have the same feelings for her as you do. It is a huge inconvenience. Someone has disrupted her life and there is no end in sight. You say it is temporary, but your wife doesn't have a firm end date so to her, this is an endless situation. You don't mention your money situation, but is there a chance that by buying all this stuff for your daughter that you are putting a strain on your budget?
> 
> Your wife should take first place in your heart and *I'll bet that right now, she is feeling like she has been pushed out of that place. Her home has been disrupted. You need to pay your wife some serious attention right now and reassure her. * None of this is her fault but she is paying the consequences. This thing could easily go long term with issue after issue coming up which extends your daughter's stay. Your wife may be worried about this. Dude, she just wants her life back.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Sometimes I think my wife is losing touch with reality. She feels she has to be the first one to find out anything. If I tell her something today that I found out yesterday then she's mad because I didn't tell her 2 minutes after I found out. I waited a day mostly because it slipped my mind or I just forgot to tell her. And most times it's nothing that directly affects her. Last night I had to run to the store to get a few things for dinner tonight and when I got home she was already in the bed. My daughter was in her room. I stopped by my daughter's room to check on her and typically the baby is more active at night. I placed my hand on my daughter's stomach and felt the baby moving around and she and I had a little conversation. When I went to our bedroom my wife turns to me with a stern look on her face and said, "what's going on?" I looked at her and said, "what are you talking about?" She then said that she heard me and my daughter talking but she couldn't hear what we were saying. Last I checked I was talking with my daughter, not her. She needs to hear everything just to make sure we're not talking about her.

My wife doesn't take instructions well because she feels she knows everything. She hates cutting anything when she has to cook. The other day I bought a big bag of onions. I love to cook. She was making something so instead of chopping an onion she went to the store and spent like $4 on a carton of chopped onions and only used about a tablespoon of them. The rest will most likely go to the bad. She could have asked me to chop an onion but didn't because she didn't want to admit she didn't know how to do something. Several years ago she was making a recipe and the ingredients called for the juice of one lemon. She went to the store and bought one of those small lemon shaped bottles which had lemon juice in it and was about to put it in the recipe. I stopped her before she poured the entire thing in. She was also making a dish for a pot luck thing at work and she was making some sort of corn casserole. The directions called to puree the corn in a food processor, which we have. When I walked in the kitchen she had the corn in the bowl of my Kitchenaid mixer and she was using the wisk attachment. When I asked her why she was using the mixer instead of the food processor she said that she just wanted to use the mixer instead. She didn't even realize we even had a food processor which is clearly sitting on the counter. 

Like I said in my OP, the stories I could tell could fill volumes.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like you hate your wife. I can feel it from afar. Be certain she feels it in person.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> It sounds like you hate your wife. I can feel it from afar. Be certain she feels it in person.


No, I don't hate my wife I just want he to understand that she doesn't know it all. Sometimes she has to follow instructions like everyone else. It's hard to talk to anyone when the first words out of their mouth is usually, "I already know that". Again, with the dresser I never asked her to throw any of her clothes away I just suggested she put her stuff in top of the closet to free up the dresser for the two girls who will now occupy that room. And again, in terms of my daughter, we had discussed her coming here the last few weeks of her pregnancy and she knew well before hand what was going to happen. But the day she showed up it was like a surprise to her. No, my daughter is not moving back in, this is just a temporary thing until she's comfortable with a newborn at home alone.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> No, I don't hate my wife I just want he to understand that she doesn't know it all.


Late to the party here, but ^^this^^ stood out to me. It sounds like your wife has no desire whatsoever to "understand" that she doesn't know it all. Perhaps you should stop trying to convince her she is wrong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who she is. She’s not likely to change so that gives you two options.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

NextTimeAround said:


> That's certainly what the hospitals and insurance companies think.


Isn't that what they think is reasonable for being hospitalized? Not optimal for friend/family support? And aren't they biased since they are paying for it, or trying to free up beds for others?

The Family Medical Leave Act mandates 12 weeks leave. It seems the sweet spot for family support would be somewhere in the middle.

Bottom line - OP married a woman who either prefers her daily routine over helping her step daughter and grand baby's, or is harboring a lot of resentment toward her husband over something.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Isn't that what they think is reasonable for being hospitalized? Not optimal for friend/family support? And aren't they biased since they are paying for it, or trying to free up beds for others?
> 
> The Family Medical Leave Act mandates 12 weeks leave. It seems the sweet spot for family support would be somewhere in the middle.
> 
> Bottom line - OP married a woman who either prefers her daily routine over helping her step daughter and grand baby's, or is harboring a lot of resentment toward her husband over something.


Disagree. Not every middle aged/past middle aged woman is going to be thrilled about a stepdaughter and newborn coming to live with her. Terming it "preferring her routine over helping her stepdaughter" is a negative judgment-- on purpose. A majority of people get pretty stressed when family visits. It's an overwhelmingly common thing.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

4thtwin said:


> No, I'm not going to do what I want to do but my wife doesn't make all the final decisions either. Sometimes she has to go along with what I decide. She has already told me that she hope I don't think that this baby will be over to our house all the time. In a sense, she's telling me when I can see my grandchild. I would love to have my step-son's daughter here more often but grandma only wants her here every other weekend. If I want to go pick up my granddaughter and bring her to our house for a few hours then I do not need my wife's permission. How do you tell your spouse they can only bring the grandbaby over when you feel like being bothered? No, my wife is not going to dictate when I can and can't see my grandbaby.


I agree with the sentiment of everything you just said. I've lived the hell of a spouse keeping me from being close to family. NEVER again.

However... the attitude with which you are saying it is that you've already decided your wife is wrong and unreasonable. 

So here is my question: 
Do you want to make this situation better? Or are you just looking to vent and get commiseration?

If you want to make the situation better you need to stop judging your wife for being so rigid, selfish, and unloving and approach her with an attitude that shows her you do understand and care about how she feels. Then see if you can get her to come around. 

Maybe you have already tried that and it didn't matter. But you sound like you're trying to apply pure logic to her irrational emotions.

Here is an example --

Wife - I don't want to move my clothes because it'll be inconvenient for me to get to them.
*Perfectly natural but not gonna help response:*
Hubby - That's stupid. When do you even wear those clothes? (eye roll) That's your idea of an inconvenience? God help you if the power ever goes out for 3 minutes. Good thing you didn't have to live through the potato famine! Seriously, why are you being such a *****?! 
_OK, I may have gotten a little carried away with my example..._

*More productive approach (possibly)*:
Are you okay? You seem really stressed out. Are you upset Suzie's going to be here for awhile? What can I do to minimize the impact? I know you like your routine but this really is temporary. And it's our grand baby.

IDK - I tried on the productive approach but even I am irritated with your wife. But your attitude does seem indifferent to your wife's feelings.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. Not every middle aged/past middle aged woman is going to be thrilled about a stepdaughter and newborn coming to live with her. Terming it "preferring her routine over helping her stepdaughter" is a negative judgment-- on purpose. A majority of people get pretty stressed when family visits. It's an overwhelmingly common thing.


I understand many people feel the way she feels. Totally legitimate. But *many *of *those *people temporarily rise above their feelings and act in a warm, helpful, generous way regardless, because it's a temporary situation, they love their spouse, and family is important to them.

I also notice she was willing to inconvenience herself to allow her son who she butts heads with constantly come live there indefinitely. So what is really going on?

She has every right to her feelings and preferences. And *her husband has every right to be thoroughly disappointed *and question if he wants to go into grandparent hood with someone who doesn't share his desire to be close to family.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I understand many people feel the way she feels. Totally legitimate. But *many *of *those *people temporarily rise above their feelings and act in a warm, helpful, generous way regardless, because it's a temporary situation, they love their spouse, and family is important to them.
> 
> I also notice she was willing to inconvenience herself to allow her son who she butts heads with constantly come live there indefinitely. So what is really going on?
> 
> She has every right to her feelings and preferences. And *her husband has every right to be thoroughly disappointed *and question if he wants to go into grandparent hood with someone who doesn't share his desire to be close to family.


Nope. OP vetoed his wife's son staying with them, even when he had nowhere else to go.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think you hate your wife but you do project contempt for her, which I have to think she feels.

You've done a lot of complaining about her but said very little that is loving about her. You just don't come across as one who likes his wife very much.

There is a saying I like to try to employ in my life: first seek to understand, then seek to be understood. I've had great results with this.

Think about it.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

4thtwin said:


> Let me give you a little more insight on my wife. Anything that doesn't go her way is an "inconvenience" to her. Case in point.
> 
> At our church the property has been on the market several years and we recently sold the building. We are looking to move to a larger facility. Since then we have downsized the chairs to a max of 50 to go along with CDC guidelines for Covid. My wife and I, along with our 4 year old granddaughter, use to sit on one section of chairs. Now that the church is packing up we have removed a number of the chairs and spaced the remaining 50 approx. 6 to 7 feet apart. The other Sunday my wife went to church along with our granddaughter and she pulled another chair close to her so our 4 year old could sit next to her. Not one person said a thing to her about it. When we got home she said that was an inconvenience to her by having to move that chair so on the weekends we have her they won't be going to church because she shouldn't have to or doesn't want to move a chair closer to her. In my wife's head everyone should accommodate her. They should have left the chairs the way they were because she was use to all the chairs being together and now that they are spaced apart it's an inconvenience to her.


OH. MY. GOD. Has she seen a psychiatrist? I'm serious. WOW. THAT example was VERY helpful. 

She has very unrealistic expectations. That is some *seriously* distorted thinking. How on earth would the church people know exactly who is going to show up in what exact numbers and have chairs grouped in advance? Should they lay out name tags too???? I'm truly stunned. 

Please disregard my prior suggestions. I think your wife needs some real counseling/therapy and it may be she is incapable of becoming flexible. This is off the cuff but I'm thinking you need to take care of yourself and take a dismissive "bummer, huh?" attitude when she is "inconvenienced." then go on about your business as planned, without her support. She is literally not thinking straight. (Asperger's? Mild Autism? Borderline Personality disorder?) 

You are entering your grandparenting years. I'd have a long talk with yourself about how you want them to unfold. Don't let her stop YOU from being close to your family.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> OH. MY. GOD. Has she seen a psychiatrist? I'm serious. WOW. THAT example was VERY helpful.
> 
> She has very unrealistic expectations. That is some *seriously* distorted thinking. How on earth would the church people know exactly who is going to show up in what exact numbers and have chairs grouped in advance? Should they lay out name tags too???? I'm truly stunned.
> 
> ...


I read it a different way. That the chairs were spaced a certain way to accommodate CDC guidelines and she had to go and move a chair from the way the church had placed them if the granddaughter was going to be sitting with them. 

Again... way to go straight to negative judgment. Geez.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. Not every middle aged/past middle aged woman is going to be thrilled about a stepdaughter and newborn coming to live with her. Terming it "preferring her routine over helping her stepdaughter" is a negative judgment-- on purpose. A majority of people get pretty stressed when family visits. It's an overwhelmingly common thing.


Men seem to get freed from this responsibility. If a man doesn't act thrilled over a baby in some way related to him, then it's ok.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> Men seem to get freed from this responsibility. If a man doesn't act thrilled over a baby in some way related to him, then it's ok.


As evidenced by his comment about her missing "mother" instinct.

As if she's obligated to have one.

But he did say she's happy about the baby, so there is that.

I just see a lot of contempt and not a lot of love for his wife.

Perhaps I'm mistaken and he'll make that clear.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People have a schedule and routine. You don't have to be a special needs to crave that. So when changes are made that disrupt your routine, it becomes annoying. 

I remember in London the expat ladies would comment how difficult house guests can be. They assume that because they don't go out to a job, that they have all the free time in the world. The husband does go out to a place of work and visitors respect that.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Up until the stories of the onions and the food processor, I was going to say that perhaps her complaints of inconvenience were just plays for sympathy and the appropriate response would be to empathize with her, and thank her for the sacrifices she is making. It seemed like she just wanted to be heard.

But now she sounds more than a bit OCD and fragile egotistically, if she can't handle constructive criticism at all.

I think you have bigger issues with your wife than her inconvenience at having your daughter and granddaughter stay over for a few weeks. That reaction is just a symptom of something deeper.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I agree with the sentiment of everything you just said. I've lived the hell of a spouse keeping me from being close to family. NEVER again.
> 
> However... the attitude with which you are saying it is that you've already decided your wife is wrong and unreasonable.
> 
> ...


People like this usually walk around with a badge of honor shouting how difficult they are to get along with. But these are the very same people who rarely get invited to places and events because no one wants to always deal with their version of "I always speak my mind." I've told my wife on numerous occasions that she has no filter. What comes up comes out. She has no problem telling others, "your child is just bad." Then when she doesn't get invited places anymore then she questions why. My wife has very, VERY few friends. She doesn't have that one girlfriend she can call or hang out with. No one calls her to ask how she's doing or do you want to go shopping this weekend. It's just me. You can't go through life thinking that your way of thinking is the only way of thinking and that everyone else should fall in line with you. Rigid is an understatement at this point. She refuses to bend or be flexible towards anyone or anything. And if she even considers it then it automatically turns into an "inconvenience" to her.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Nope. OP vetoed his wife's son staying with them, even when he had nowhere else to go.


Yes I did, because he likes to smoke and get high. He likes to hang out at all hours of the night with his thug hoodlum friends then wants to come in at all hours of the night. He doesn't like to work thus he won't have any money to help financially around the house. He and his mom are constantly at each other's throats. He took his daughter to one of his friend's kid's birthday party a few weeks ago and my wife and I had to literally go pick her up at 10 PM because he didn't think that a 4 year old needed a curfew. Typically his friend's kid's b-day parties usually end up in that being an adult party where drinking and smoking is going on. Again, we had to go pick her up at 10 PM and he was mad about that. So yes, when the idea of him moving back home came up, yes, I vetoed that idea.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

FarmTownGirl said:


> OH. MY. GOD. Has she seen a psychiatrist? I'm serious. WOW. THAT example was VERY helpful.
> 
> She has very unrealistic expectations. That is some *seriously* distorted thinking. How on earth would the church people know exactly who is going to show up in what exact numbers and have chairs grouped in advance? Should they lay out name tags too???? I'm truly stunned.
> 
> ...


Again, the church thing and the chairs were to go along with CDC guidelines for covid. We have a much larger congregation but have limited participation to only 50 in the sanctuary. The chairs were spaced out for social distancing. Not one person said a word to my wife when she slid one chair closer to her the other sunday so our 4 year old granddaughter could sit next to her. SHE was the one to considered it an inconvenience to have to do that. So she has decided not to go back to church with our 4 year old untill we find a new building. This is how she thinks. Everything has to be convenient for her way of thinking.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> As evidenced by his comment about her missing "mother" instinct.
> 
> As if she's obligated to have one.
> 
> ...


Yes, a woman can have kids of her own and still not have a motherly bone in her body. Sometimes I think she had them with her first husband because "that's just what women do." However, when her sons have a problem we're supposed to do whatever it takes to help them out. But when my daughter needs some assistance then I typically get the "she'll figure it out" comment.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> Yes, a woman can have kids of her own and still not have a motherly bone in her body. Sometimes I think she had them with her first husband because "that's just what women do." However, when her sons have a problem we're supposed to do whatever it takes to help them out. But when my daughter needs some assistance then I typically get the "she'll figure it out" comment.


I notice you didn't address the part about having contempt for your wife because that's quite important here. Its going to make it impossible to deal with anything.

If you dislike her that much why don't you leave? Then you can do whatever you want.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Up until the stories of the onions and the food processor, I was going to say that perhaps her complaints of inconvenience were just plays for sympathy and the appropriate response would be to empathize with her, and thank her for the sacrifices she is making. It seemed like she just wanted to be heard.
> 
> But now she sounds more than *a bit OCD and fragile egotistically, if she can't handle constructive criticism at all.*
> 
> I think you have bigger issues with your wife than her inconvenience at having your daughter and granddaughter stay over for a few weeks. That reaction is just a symptom of something deeper.


You can't tell her anything. There have been times when I've seen her try to cut something and she'll be holding the knife completely wrong about to cut herself and if I say anything then she runs me out of the kitchen. I have a cabinet full of spices but she prefers to only use salt and pepper on everything. Most of the time her food is bland. This is a woman who has no idea how to make a grilled cheese sandwich or even an omelet. She doesn't want to learn how to do anything better because she feels that her way of doing it is perfectly fine. She'll pay more for groceries at the store down the street because it's not convenient to drive 2 or 3 more miles farther to a cheaper store.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I notice you didn't address the part about having contempt for your wife because that's quite important here. Its going to make it impossible to deal with anything.
> 
> If you dislike her that much why don't you leave? Then you can do whatever you want.


I do not have contempt for my wife, I just don't understand why it's so hard to break through her shell. She put up so many walls until by the time you think you've made headway on one issue now you have to fight to tear down walls on another. Yes, I love my wife but I just don't understand her. Holding a newborn baby can make even the hardest soul turn to jello but in this instance, this is not her blood relative so she feels nothing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> I do not have contempt for my wife, I just don't understand why it's so hard to break through her shell. She put up so many walls until by the time you think you've made headway on one issue now you have to fight to tear down walls on another. Yes, I love my wife but I just don't understand her. Holding a newborn baby can make even the hardest soul turn to jello but in this instance, this is not her blood relative so she feels nothing.


I felt very little for my own firstborn until I met him face to face and then the bonding was instant.

He's now 20 and we're thick as thieves. He still lives with me while he goes to college and we hang out all the time.

Your wife may or may not ever bond to the baby like you and frankly it's not your place to expect her to. As long as she treats the baby well what do you care?

Are you bonded to her sons like you are to your daughter?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Because this is who she is. And she’s not likely to change. You can complain all you like but at the end of the day you have the choice to stay and to choice to leave. My guess is that the baby is going to be a major source of contention going forward so be prepared.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> You can't tell her anything. There have been times when I've seen her try to cut something and she'll be holding the knife completely wrong about to cut herself and if I say anything then she runs me out of the kitchen. I have a cabinet full of spices but she prefers to only use salt and pepper on everything. Most of the time her food is bland. This is a woman who has no idea how to make a grilled cheese sandwich or even an omelet. She doesn't want to learn how to do anything better because she feels that her way of doing it is perfectly fine. She'll pay more for groceries at the store down the street because it's not convenient to drive 2 or 3 more miles farther to a cheaper store.


I'd recommend you to pick your battles. 

Given that you _already know_ she's a person resistant to being told what to do, you're not going to break through that by telling her more and more. All you are doing is acting out the other half of her script for her. 

I'd say leave her alone with the chopping and the seasoning and which shop she goes to and how she uses the food processor. Say not a word. Save your determination for whatever is really most important to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> You can't go through life thinking that your way of thinking is the only way of thinking and that everyone else should fall in line with you.


Sure you can. Your wife is living proof that she's going through life thinking her way is THE way to do things. And you're still putting up with it. Maybe you don't always fall in line, but you live with the woman and must tolerate, to some degree, her immovable stance on subjects and situations.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I read it a different way. That the chairs were spaced a certain way to accommodate CDC guidelines and she had to go and move a chair from the way the church had placed them if the granddaughter was going to be sitting with them.
> 
> Again... way to go straight to negative judgment. Geez.


I read it the exact way you describe above. 

Only you apparently think it's reasonable to feel so inconvenienced by having to move a chair that one refuses to return to an organization.

And I think that's borderline mental illness mental rigidity and would never entertain the idea of a long term relationship with one so easily inconvenienced.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

4thtwin said:


> Again, the church thing and the chairs were to go along with CDC guidelines for covid. We have a much larger congregation but have limited participation to only 50 in the sanctuary. The chairs were spaced out for social distancing. Not one person said a word to my wife when she slid one chair closer to her the other sunday so our 4 year old granddaughter could sit next to her. SHE was the one to considered it an inconvenience to have to do that. So she has decided not to go back to church with our 4 year old untill we find a new building. This is how she thinks. Everything has to be convenient for her way of thinking.


I understand that and am agreeing with you that YOUR WIFE IS UNREASONABLE.

I'm sure no one cared that she moved the chair closer since she's already with the child. (If they even care about COVID at all.)

The fact that your wife felt inconvenienced that she had to move a chair -- that blows my mind. 

She really does remind me of my mom in some ways (only my mom is a cake walk compared to your wife) but my mom has a personality where it seems she has a script written inside her head, and she hasn't given anyone else a copy, yet when other people don't get their lines right she is thrown way off.

Are you mostly happy being married to her? You sound like you really don't like her and wish you hadn't married her. What is your goal here? To make the marriage better, or to have validation that you're not the crazy one?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Update: Good morning guys. It's been a while since I've been back to this post but let me give you and update on things. My daughter had our newest granddaughter last Tues. What we thought would be a normal delivery turned in to a c-section due to fetal distress from my daughter not dilating enough and her contractions getting closer together. So, what originally was to be a few day stay with us after the birth has turned into 2 weeks minimum because the doctors don't want her to drive for a while until she heals. It seems like every day or so my wife will ask me how long they plan to stay with us. Again, this is family not just some stranger. And it's not like my daughter showed up years later pregnant wanting to stay with us. We raised her. I just don't understand why my wife is so against her staying with us for a little while. Now, my wife loves holding that baby. But she still thinks they need to be gone. Here's the new thing. I work from home, my wife works from home, my oldest sister works from home and she lives less than a mile down the road from us, and both my parents are still alive and are retired. Given that covid is still in the picture me, my sister, and my mom have decided that in the men time it's best that when my daughter goes back to work and back to her own apartment that we would alternate taking care of the baby instead of sticking her in a daycare. My mom and sister have been vaccinated with the covid vaccine and my wife and I are planning to get ours soon. We have an appointment in the next few weeks. Well, my wife doesn't like that idea because that means the baby will be here with us a couple of days a week. She feels that she was not notified about that decision. An old church friend of ours is opening a day care and my wife suggested that my daughter look into putting her into that day care. Honestly, I do like the girl but this is her first time dealing with kids. I'm not sure if she's worked in a daycare before but I guess she has decided to venture out on her own. My wife thinks that EVERYTHING must be run through her. I'm not allowed to make decisions about my granddaughter without consulting her. Again, it's not like I've never dealt with kids because I got full custody of my daughter when she was about 2 years old and have raised her by myself until my wife came along. She must have this idea that men can't take care of babies.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> Update: Good morning guys. It's been a while since I've been back to this post but let me give you and update on things. My daughter had our newest granddaughter last Tues. What we thought would be a normal delivery turned in to a c-section due to fetal distress from my daughter not dilating enough and her contractions getting closer together. So, what originally was to be a few day stay with us after the birth has turned into 2 weeks minimum because the doctors don't want her to drive for a while until she heals. It seems like every day or so my wife will ask me how long they plan to stay with us. Again, this is family not just some stranger. And it's not like my daughter showed up years later pregnant wanting to stay with us. We raised her. I just don't understand why my wife is so against her staying with us for a little while. Now, my wife loves holding that baby. But she still thinks they need to be gone. Here's the new thing. I work from home, my wife works from home, my oldest sister works from home and she lives less than a mile down the road from us, and both my parents are still alive and are retired. Given that covid is still in the picture me, my sister, and my mom have decided that in the men time it's best that when my daughter goes back to work and back to her own apartment that we would alternate taking care of the baby instead of sticking her in a daycare. My mom and sister have been vaccinated with the covid vaccine and my wife and I are planning to get ours soon. We have an appointment in the next few weeks. Well, my wife doesn't like that idea because that means the baby will be here with us a couple of days a week. She feels that she was not notified about that decision. An old church friend of ours is opening a day care and my wife suggested that my daughter look into putting her into that day care. Honestly, I do like the girl but this is her first time dealing with kids. I'm not sure if she's worked in a daycare before but I guess she has decided to venture out on her own. My wife thinks that EVERYTHING must be run through her. I'm not allowed to make decisions about my granddaughter without consulting her. Again, it's not like I've never dealt with kids because I got full custody of my daughter when she was about 2 years old and have raised her by myself until my wife came along. She must have this idea that men can't take care of babies.


Dude: I don't get it. why do you have to agonize about your wife's displeasures? Myself, I wouldn't give a rat's ass about wife's displeasures that might affect a family member that needs, and is in warranty of my help. Family is family and if that family merits my help I will help whether is from my side of the family or her side of the family, regardless of her complains. Like I say I don't give a rat's ass about what other people consider fair, for her, for me. When there's an occasion which requires that I make a decision I do, and that's final. Call me what you like, I don't give a rat's ass about anyone's opinions in these type of matters.

traditionally, historically, It's been women the ones to control these type of decisions in favor of their own childrens. Most men just tag along and don't even have the balls to intercede on behalf of their own children when the wife is blatantly favoring her own children, but bring a man that will not stand for that type of shenanigans, and immediately he's a controlling brute, a narcissist that keeps his wife under his thumb, etc, etc,. 

Dude: forget about it. You need to have your daughter in your home for a few weeks..do it, period. If your wife keeps trying to give you grieve for it. Just cut her off firmly: don't want to hear about it anymore. She stays for a few weeks, period. End of the story. You won't put up with it, you are welcome to leave. That's what I would do, period. No buts about it. Like I say, I don't, and I wouldn't give a damn about me being categorize any which way.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife isn't interested in having a stepdaughter and newborn live with her. Your wife isn't interested in having a newborn in the house as daycare some days a week going forward. 

Those feelings aren't a crime or "bad". She's an adult women who wants her home to be her home without relatives staying for weeks and weeks and without being permanent daycare for a baby. 

There are women, even here on this forum, around your wife's age, who have raised their families and now aren't even interested in living with a man/partner and sharing a residence with him!! Let alone a stepdaughter and baby.

You didn't even ask her thoughts about being a daycare provider going forward??? 

I think you guys should go your separate ways. You don't seem to like your wife very much, and have no respect for the fact that she isn't interested in sharing the home with a stepdaughter and a newborn. Even taking out the fact that you two should talk about the situation and how you can solve it, you just plain have no respect for her feelings about it, and are just going ahead and thrusting the situation on her. She gets no say. It's just happening to her, and you have contempt for her feelings about it.

For the record... I'm divorced, I'm about your wife's age (guessing). My children are college age-ish. I wouldn't be interested in living with a stepdaughter, or being a daycare for a grandchild WHILE I WAS STILL WORKING full time. If I were much older and retired that might change, but I would find your situation a huge conflict, as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A casesarian is a big op and if she were my daughter I would have her there with me for at least a month and my husband(step dad) would be fine with that as well. She needs time to heal as well as learn to care for the baby. Its such a VERY short time in everyones lives and will give her a good start before she has to go back to her shared flat. 
As for the child care, if the nurseries are open(they are here and we are in lockdown), then the baby could maybe go there for some days and family for others? Maybe you could agree on one day a week at yours rather than two?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Your wife isn't interested in having a stepdaughter and newborn live with her. Your wife isn't interested in having a newborn in the house as daycare some days a week going forward.
> 
> Those feelings aren't a crime or "bad". She's an adult women who wants her home to be her home without relatives staying for weeks and weeks and without being permanent daycare for a baby.
> 
> ...


This is not a situation of "I'm going to leave my wife because she doesn't share all of my views". It's simply me trying to understand why she can't bend a little and open her heart some to ensure that a newborn is safe. I am capable of making decisions just like she is. Gone are the days of the wife making all the decisions and the husband just falling in line with them. My focus is to make sure that my granddaughter is safe. My wife's son's daughter's are my grandbabies also and I would do the same for them. I love them no less simply because they are not my blood grandchildren.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> A casesarian is a big op and if she were my daughter I would have her there with me for at least a month and my husband(step dad) would be fine with that as well. She needs time to heal as well as learn to care for the baby. Its such a VERY short time in everyones lives and will give her a good start before she has to go back to her shared flat.
> As for the child care, if the nurseries are open(they are here and we are in lockdown), then the baby could maybe go there for some days and family for others? Maybe you could agree on one day a week at yours rather than two?


My wife feels that a few days is long enough. Even with a c-section, she's getting tired of her being here. She feels that only her ailments warrant constant care and that everyone else should just suck it up and move on. In her mind, when she had her two sons , albeit natural birth, she was back up in a couple of days so my daughter should be fine. Not everyone else handles things the same way. My wife is scheduled to have surgery in a month or so and I would think that she's going to need care from me for a while. How would she like it if I told her after a few days, "you need to get up and stop laying around." My wife likes attention. Everything has to be ran through her. If I find something out that doesn't even involve her then she's mad I didn't tell her. If I find something out today and wait to tell her till tomorrow then she's angry I didn't tell her 24 hours ago. It's gotta always be about her. Yeah, I married her but she was not this way when we got married. Even when her own sister moved into her new place she asked us if we could watch her 5 year old son for the night so he wouldn't be in the way. My wife looked at her and said no. I told her it was no problem. Sometimes I think my wife feels that it should just be me and her. I enjoy family and having them around. My wife probably hasn't seen her own parents in weeks. I see my parents several times a week.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> This is not a situation of "I'm going to leave my wife because she doesn't share all of my views". It's simply me trying to understand why she can't bend a little and open her heart some to ensure that a newborn is safe. I am capable of making decisions just like she is. Gone are the days of the wife making all the decisions and the husband just falling in line with them. My focus is to make sure that my granddaughter is safe. My wife's son's daughter's are my grandbabies also and I would do the same for them. I love them no less simply because they are not my blood grandchildren.


Right, you've gone the other way, and it's just you making all of the decisions and she just has to deal. Nice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> My wife feels that a few days is long enough. Even with a c-section, she's getting tired of her being here. She feels that only her ailments warrant constant care and that everyone else should just suck it up and move on. In her mind, when she had her two sons , albeit natural birth, she was back up in a couple of days so my daughter should be fine. Not everyone else handles things the same way. My wife is scheduled to have surgery in a month or so and I would think that she's going to need care from me for a while. How would she like it if I told her after a few days, "you need to get up and stop laying around." My wife likes attention. Everything has to be ran through her. If I find something out that doesn't even involve her then she's mad I didn't tell her. If I find something out today and wait to tell her till tomorrow then she's angry I didn't tell her 24 hours ago. It's gotta always be about her. Yeah, I married her but she was not this way when we got married. Even when her own sister moved into her new place she asked us if we could watch her 5 year old son for the night so he wouldn't be in the way. My wife looked at her and said no. I told her it was no problem. Sometimes I think my wife feels that it should just be me and her. I enjoy family and having them around. My wife probably hasn't seen her own parents in weeks. I see my parents several times a week.


Again, the contempt for your wife shines through.

It sounds like she is a person who does not enjoy having family stay in her home. Instead of acknowledging that's how she is wired, you just have contempt for it.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Again, the contempt for your wife shines through.
> 
> It sounds like she is a person who does not enjoy having family stay in her home. Instead of acknowledging that's how she is wired, you just have contempt for it.


So I should do things the way she likes it because she likes thing a certain way? What about the way I like it. I have to bend and coddle her but she doesn't have to bend or coddle me sometimes?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> I have to bend and coddle her but she doesn't have to bend or coddle me sometimes?


You don't HAVE to do a damn thing. You can CHOOSE to coddle her ... or not. Your life. Your choice. Alternatively, your wife can choose to say and do what she damn well pleases. You may not like it. You may not agree with it. You may not understand it. But that's the way things stand. You have spent pages here basically advancing the same argument. You simply cannot understand her stance. Hey, I can't either. But it's HER stance. 

Do what you feel is right. She doesn't like it? Too bad. If your daughter stays with you for a month, then so be it. Tell your wife that's the way it is. She doesn't like it? Tell her too bad.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> So I should do things the way she likes it because she likes thing a certain way? What about the way I like it. I have to bend and coddle her but she doesn't have to bend or coddle me sometimes?


If you think not being wired to live with _adult children and their babies_ is wanting to be coddled and that that attitude towards your MARITAL PROBLEM is going to get you anywhere, have at it. At this point, you are arguing with ME which is really kinda funny. I'm out.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If you think not being wired to live with _adult children and their babies_ is wanting to be coddled and that that attitude towards your MARITAL PROBLEM is going to get you anywhere, have at it. At this point, you are arguing with ME which is really kinda funny. I'm out.


No, I'm not arguing with you but when you make a statement I feel the need to reply. That's the purpose of a forum/message board. No, we don't have to always like everything our mates/spouses do or decision they make but sometimes we have to live with it instead of always arguing about it because that's not what I would do. My wife is totally fine with her sons coming here but the minute my daughter needs help then it's an inconvenience. Several weeks ago my wife and I went to her son's aid because his truck wouldn't start. We spent several hours in a massive rain storm going back and forth from the auto parts store and to Walmart getting a battery. Come to find out his alternator was bad so that required another trip to the auto parts store, again, in a massive rain storm. That was totally fine with her because it was her son. But my daughter, who had a c-section after a difficult labor, and she needs to go on home after a few days. You're right, I don't have to always agree with what she says and I don't always need her permission to make a decision in my/our house but the consequences of that could be a very nasty wife for a few days. I'd rather not have that but I would also like to have a peaceful home. But a peaceful home doesn't mean I walk around on eggshells to avoid ruffling her feathers too much.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@4thtwin 

Here's the thing: as a married person, there are two individual people who are healthy and independent who come together to form a partnership. The whole idea of marriage is that the two folks--both of whom have their own beliefs, opinions, and behaviors--voluntarily agree to come together and form a union. You don't continue leading two individual lives--nope, you each voluntarily come together and begin to build a life together...and it's not dysfunctional co-dependency, but rather one healthy interdependent life. Together. 

What you are doing is setting up YOU vs. WIFE. See how you two are "against each other"? She wants THIS...you want THAT...and the two of you are fighting for who is more powerful. If you don't get YOUR way...you lose power. If she doesn't get HER way...she loses power. If she doesn't just agree to your terms with this baby, then you are not in charge. If you don't agree to her terms with this baby, then she is not in charge. And so the two of you will fight this fight until one of you "wins"...the other "loses"...and the marriage is destroyed. 

And yep, the marriage will be destroyed because marriage mean PARTNERSHIP. Partnership means that each peson in the relationship has an equal voice--not one over the other. 

So part of marriage literally means that when you volunteer to marry someone, you also volunteer to take them into consideration before a decision is made...AND that the two of you both agree to sit down with your partner and make no move or decision until BOTH OF YOU enthusiastically agree. That means that you agree not to make a decision without your partner until you and your partner have sat down and reached an agreement! That would be a demonstration of considering her!! Likewise, she has agreed to not make a decision with her partner (you) until the two of you have negotiated and you both enthusiastically agree with each other. That would be a demonstration of her considering you!!

Your current way, it is YOU vs. HER and you are enemies with your partner. If you instead do it like I've described (you don't make a decision without her agreement-she doesn't make a decision without your agreement), then the two of you are UNITED. The two of you would actually be partners.

So here's the question: are you PARTNERS with this woman? Or do you want to have power over her and make her do things your way?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @4thtwin
> 
> Here's the thing: as a married person, there are two individual people who are healthy and independent who come together to form a partnership. The whole idea of marriage is that the two folks--both of whom have their own beliefs, opinions, and behaviors--voluntarily agree to come together and form a union. You don't continue leading two individual lives--nope, you each voluntarily come together and begin to build a life together...and it's not dysfunctional co-dependency, but rather one healthy interdependent life. Together.
> 
> ...


Given your vast knowledge of what a "marriage and partnership" should be how would you approach this situation? I assume you read the entire thread? My daughter asked for my/our help. My wife is reluctant to give that help or at least only a very limited amount of help. So, do I tell my daughter that her step-mom and I have decided that she needs to figure things out on her own or am I wrong to want to help my daughter against my wife's wishes. Do I place my wife's wishes above my daughter and, then, unborn grandchild simply because my wife is not too keen on helping family but so much? Or do my wife and I sit down and we discuss, as we did, but now because of the c-section, we should still go with her wishes and only let my daughter stay 2 or 3 days then send her back to her own apartment to figure things out for herself? 

Let me tell you what the next argument is going to be. We already get her son's oldest daughter every other weekend and have been since she was about a month old. She'll be 5 this year. My wife has already said that she doesn't want both babies here for a weekend visit at the same time nor does she want a child here every weekend. So we either alternate weekends, her son's child one weekend and my daughter's child the next, which now means that there will be a kid here every weekend. OR, we get both the babies on the same weekend, which she has already said she doesn't want either. Again, where's the compromise there? A decision has to be made. The only other option is to alternate every other weekend which means we get her son's child one weekend, off the next then we get my daughter's child. That means we only see each g-baby one weekend out of the month. OR, I gladly go visit my g-baby when I want to see her during the week but now my wife is pissed that I'm leaving home a few nights a week. No, she's not going to want to go with me. She'd rather stay home. How do you tell or explain to your 5 year old granddaughter that we no longer are going to get her every other weekend which she has become accustomed to, to now only getting her once a month? Like I said, where's the compromise? My wife is firm on not having kids always in the house so I have to suffer so she can be happy. "Happy wife, happy life", right? Bottom line: I only get to see my grandbabies when SHE feels up to it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> OR, I gladly go visit my g-baby when I want to see her during the week but now my wife is pissed that I'm leaving home a few nights a week. No, she's not going to want to go with me. She'd rather stay home.





4thtwin said:


> Bottom line: I only get to see my grandbabies when SHE feels up to it.


Uh, no. Just. No. You go visit your granddaughter. Your wife throws a fit. Fine. Leave her to throw her fit. Let her stay home and stew in her own juices. Again. YOUR WIFE SEES THINGS HER WAY. SHE HAS NO DESIRE TO COMPROMISE. 

Rather than expending all this energy on equivocating right vs wrong (and @Affaircare is spot on with her assessment), go see your granddaughter. Or spend the rest of your wife arguing about your wife's inflexibility. It's not fair. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. She ain't gonna change.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Given your vast knowledge of what a "marriage and partnership" should be how would you approach this situation? I assume you read the entire thread? My daughter asked for my/our help. My wife is reluctant to give that help or at least only a very limited amount of help. So, do I tell my daughter that her step-mom and I have decided that she needs to figure things out on her own or am I wrong to want to help my daughter against my wife's wishes. Do I place my wife's wishes above my daughter and, then, unborn grandchild simply because my wife is not too keen on helping family but so much? Or do my wife and I sit down and we discuss, as we did, but now because of the c-section, we should still go with her wishes and only let my daughter stay 2 or 3 days then send her back to her own apartment to figure things out for herself?
> 
> Let me tell you what the next argument is going to be. We already get her son's oldest daughter every other weekend and have been since she was about a month old. She'll be 5 this year. My wife has already said that she doesn't want both babies here for a weekend visit at the same time nor does she want a child here every weekend. So we either alternate weekends, her son's child one weekend and my daughter's child the next, which now means that there will be a kid here every weekend. OR, we get both the babies on the same weekend, which she has already said she doesn't want either. Again, where's the compromise there? A decision has to be made. The only other option is to alternate every other weekend which means we get her son's child one weekend, off the next then we get my daughter's child. That means we only see each g-baby one weekend out of the month. OR, I gladly go visit my g-baby when I want to see her during the week but now my wife is pissed that I'm leaving home a few nights a week. No, she's not going to want to go with me. She'd rather stay home. How do you tell or explain to your 5 year old granddaughter that we no longer are going to get her every other weekend which she has become accustomed to, to now only getting her once a month? Like I said, where's the compromise? My wife is firm on not having kids always in the house so I have to suffer so she can be happy. "Happy wife, happy life", right? Bottom line: I only get to see my grandbabies when SHE feels up to it.


I think you should divorce so you can spend all of your weekends with grandchildren. It doesn't sound like you like your wife much anyway, and you have completely different wants in life.

My parents love their grandchildren but no way would have sacrificed their time as a couple to have grandchildren _every weekend_.

When they were raising their own kids, their marriage and life and weekends revolved around that. When the kids became adults... they got to live life as a 2 person partnership without kids every weekend.

There's a reason many people in their 50s are loving life when the kids are finally out of the house. After the long haul of raising kids, they have, after a couple of decades of kid raising, kid free weekends!


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Uh, no. Just. No. You go visit your granddaughter. Your wife throws a fit. Fine. Leave her to throw her fit. Let her stay home and stew in her own juices. Again. YOUR WIFE SEES THINGS HER WAY. SHE HAS NO DESIRE TO COMPROMISE.
> 
> Rather than expending all this energy on equivocating right vs wrong (and @Affaircare is spot on with her assessment), go see your granddaughter. Or spend the rest of your wife arguing about your wife's inflexibility. It's not fair. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. She ain't gonna change.


Trust me, that's what I intend on doing. And I'm not / not getting my grandbabies because she's not up to seeing a child on a weekend. My step-son's other baby momma refuses to let us see that child all together. We haven't seen her since Christmas of 2019. One would think given the circumstances with one I'd want to spend as much time with my other grandbaby. This was some fly by night relationship he had and the girl got pregnant and they broke up. Again, I do not plan to distance myself from any of my grandkids simply because she hasn't gotten bitten by that grandmother bug yet. I don't know any grandparents who don't want to just see their grandkids all the time and spoil them to no end. Sometimes I think my wife only had kids was because her first husband wanted them.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I would do whatever I had to, to prevent putting a new born into a daycare. I am with you 4thwin, I cannot understand how anyone would not want time with their grandchildren or even be willing to help out their children. Completely foreign to me.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I think you should divorce so you can spend all of your weekends with grandchildren. It doesn't sound like you like your wife much anyway, and you have completely different wants in life.
> 
> My parents love their grandchildren but no way would have sacrificed their time as a couple to have grandchildren _every weekend_.
> 
> ...


Trust me, my wife and I spend enough quality time with each other. We like to find different places to go eat lunch at on weekends. We shop together. Plan and take trips together. We usually end up each night sitting in bed laughing with and at each other before falling asleep. Etc. It's not like there's a kid here 24/7 and every time we leave the driveway there's a car seat in the back. We do have our time together but she'd rather it just be us and no one else. I'm just bigger on family than she is. I have 6 other siblings and we normally all end up at our parent's house every Sunday with one or two of the grandkids just to laugh and reconnect. Mom always cooks a big dinner like she has for years. No, my wife doesn't go with me because she says that's too many people sitting around talking all at the same time. Her own parents live a few miles from us and she's probably only seen them once since Jan. She has no desire to just go see them to check on them. This is my dilemma. I seem to have to always give up my beliefs and support system for the sake of her. If I go see my parent's on a Tues or Wed then the first thing out of her mouth usually is, "didn't you just go see them a few days ago?" My thing is this. When we lay our parent's to rest I want to be able to hold my head high and not be upset wishing I had spent more time with them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Life is sometimes about doing things that aren't always easy. Things for others. For our children or other family members. That's what families are for and she needs to put her big girl pants on and put others before herself sometimes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gotta be honest here, but from what you've written thus far, your wife sounds like a bit of a thorn in your side. Since she's apparently not going to change, I'd suggest you just let it go. Frankly, I couldn't live with someone like her (and thankfully I don't) but you do. Sounds like she's going to favor and take sides with her son over your daughter. In order to keep your blood pressure from going sky high, I'd suggest you accept that she's just the way she is. I'd tell her to go pound sand, but that's how I roll.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Life is sometimes about doing things that aren't always easy. Things for others. For our children or other family members. That's what families are for and she needs to put her big girl pants on and put others before herself sometimes.


That she's not going to do because anytime she has to do something out of her norm then it's an "inconvenience" to her. Read back and find the situation with our church and having to move one chair. You might find that funny. If you can't find it I'll gladly give you the cliff notes version.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to stay with your wife so you’ll need to accept that the two of you are very different when it comes to how you each deal with family. She’s who she is and you’re who you are. Complaining about it may or may not get you some sympathy from others but it’s not going to change a thing. Ignore her to the extent that you can and live your life.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> So I should do things the way she likes it because she likes thing a certain way? What about the way I like it. I have to bend and coddle her but she doesn't have to bend or coddle me sometimes?


4thtwin: man, Like I said before, just do what you need to do, period. You're a man you'll never win the argument here, or with your wife. Go ahead don't be afraid, unless you're just venting here.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> 4thtwin: man, Like I said before, just do what you need to do, period. You're a man you'll never win the argument here, or with your wife. Go ahead don't be afraid, unless you're just venting here.


Yes, I'm here venting somewhat because talking to her is pointless. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think you should divorce so you can spend all of your weekends with grandchildren. It doesn't sound like you like your wife much anyway, and you have completely different wants in life.
> 
> My parents love their grandchildren but no way would have sacrificed their time as a couple to have grandchildren _every weekend_.
> 
> ...


based on your posts, I could make the argument just for the heck of it that you come across as a selfish, centrist, I, me, Mine individual.
There's plenty of people around the world where the family as a whole is as important as your own individual family unit, and family come together when the need arises. They will not just ignore the needs of other family members when they have the means available to help. Not everyone around the world is I, me, mine as you and the OP wife seem to be.

OP should just do it, period. In this case he's entitle to put his nagging wife feelings aside. That's what I would do, you betcha. And to save you the response: no I wouldn't care what anyone's opinion of me would be. I'll save you the time: you can call a male chauvinist pig. But guess what; in my home I normally let my wife have her ways (as many females seem to do), but when I say MY WAY or the HIGHWAY, it's my way or the highway, period.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> based on your posts, I could make the argument just for the heck of it that you come across as a selfish, centrist, I, me, Mine individual.
> There's plenty of people around the world where the family as a whole is as important as your own individual family unit, and family come together when the need arises. They will not just ignore the needs of other family members when they have the means available to help. Not everyone around the world is I, me, mine as you and the OP wife seem to be.
> 
> OP should just do it, period. In this case he's entitle to put his nagging wife feelings aside. That's what I would do, you betcha. And to save you the response: no I wouldn't care what anyone's opinion of me would be. I'll save you the time: you can call a male chauvinist pig. But guess what; in my home I normally let my wife have her ways (as many females seem to do), but when I say MY WAY or the HIGHWAY, it's my way or the highway, period.


Wait, you're thread jacking to call ME selfish AND put words in my mouth 🤔 because I'm presenting an _alternate view_ to the OP about other perspectives people might have ----including his very own wife---- in an effort to help him navigate this conflict with his wife? How very nasty and foul of you!

Nasty.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Nasty


I told you to call me a male chauvinist pig. didn't I? And no, the way I interpret your posts are not that of an impartial individual giving another possible point of view, but that of the OP's wife wants and naggings being more important than that of the OP. from your post I get that the OP should bend over and take it. No way Jose.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

4thtwin said:


> Given your vast knowledge of what a "marriage and partnership" should be how would you approach this situation? I assume you read the entire thread? My daughter asked for my/our help. My wife is reluctant to give that help or at least only a very limited amount of help. So, do I tell my daughter that her step-mom and I have decided that she needs to figure things out on her own or am I wrong to want to help my daughter against my wife's wishes. Do I place my wife's wishes above my daughter and, then, unborn grandchild simply because my wife is not too keen on helping family but so much? Or do my wife and I sit down and we discuss, as we did, but now because of the c-section, we should still go with her wishes and only let my daughter stay 2 or 3 days then send her back to her own apartment to figure things out for herself?


Have you discussed with your wife the differences in how she treats your daughter vs. her sons? Sometimes people lack awareness of their own behavior until it's pointed out to them. It will also let her know that you are seeing things that you don't in how she's treating your daughter and grandchild.

It is very normal for women to want to stay with their mom (or dad) after having a baby or have the parent stay with them, especially single moms. Both my sisters stayed with my mom for a month after having their first babies. Your wife is the closest thing she has to a mom, it's kind of a compliment to your wife.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I think you should divorce so you can spend all of your weekends with grandchildren. It doesn't sound like you like your wife much anyway, and you have completely different wants in life.
> 
> My parents love their grandchildren but no way would have sacrificed their time as a couple to have grandchildren _every weekend_.


You are being a little dramatic, no? Just because he wants his daughter to feel comfortable being a first time single mom and recovered from the birth before she goes home. Isn't that what parents are for? To teach us how to do things (like parent) and support us? She's not asking to move in permanently or for them to raise them the baby. The wife gets her grandchild every other weekend, why shouldn't he be able to do the same? He raised the daughter from the age of 2, obviously the wife knows he is an involved father and likely to be an involved grandfather.



Livvie said:


> When they were raising their own kids, their marriage and life and weekends revolved around that. When the kids became adults... they got to live life as a 2 person partnership without kids every weekend.
> 
> There's a reason many people in their 50s are loving life when the kids are finally out of the house. After the long haul of raising kids, they have, after a couple of decades of kid raising, kid free weekends!


Were any of these carefree seniors single parents or were their children single parents? If the OP didn't want to have his grandchild several times a month or didn't feel that maybe his daughter could use some support, that would be a different story. If the wife doesn't want to be involved then that seems a bit hypocritical after letting him help with her granddaughter every other weekend for the last 5 years.


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