# Husband in love with another woman...



## RLC (Jan 23, 2017)

My husband is in love with another woman... they've been having an emotional affair for the last few months. We started therapy before the affair began, but I feel like it's getting in the way of any progress the two of us as a couple could even have a chance at. 

As my husband puts it, we had problems before the affair happened (ok, fair). That said, he has also said that he is torn between two women. He loves me- we've built a life together, but he loves and is in love with her (and apparently the feeling is mutual.. they haven't told each other they love one another, but they've discussed that they've fallen or are falling for each other. 

He did say that the "love" is different. Well, no duh! We have history, all he has with her is the shiny parts behind text and facebook messages, oh and that they F*ING work together...--to be fair, they've been friends for about a year, but the emotions started forming in the last few months. The funny part about all of this is, she is having issues in her own marriage too, for longer than he and I have. She is also going to therapy with her husband (he doesn't know of the affair yet). Oh, and she's due with a baby at the beginning of February. Could this really be love? Or is this infatuation because they've bonded over their marriage issues, and then her hormones on top of that!?

They do have a lot in common, but couldn't that get boring? I have struggled with anxiety, and I have smothered my husband because I'm more dependent than I am independent, and to him, he can never quantify things for me because I guess I come off as needing how much he loves me quantified, and things like that. I lost myself when we moved out of my hometown and I focused more on being a mom than on fanning our relationship.

Help!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow. 

Tell your husband that if he truly loves her, he will quit his job and leave her alone. She has a baby due soon. For the baby's sake, she needs to try to put things together with the father of her child. He really should also encourage her to tell her husband about what has been going on between them. Transparency could be the beginning of the road to recovery.

Have to tell you, though, if things have gone this far, neither of your marriages may ever recover. You may all just be married to the wrong people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she is having her husbands baby then that is all the more reason they need to stop all contact. What sort of woman does that just before she has a baby? Neither are available to get involved with anyone else. I also thinks that her husband needs to know what is going on, poor man. How can they or you work on the marriages when there is another person on the scene?
. 
I would ask him to stop all contact with her for good and that he is completely open with his phone/computer and works on the marriage.

When do they meet? is it a work thing? Do you have children?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Are you sure that she is not pregnant with your husbands baby?


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## RLC (Jan 23, 2017)

I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.


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## RLC (Jan 23, 2017)

They are stopping the contact that they can avoid (i.e. talking outside of work). They do work together and do have to interact, but not every day. We have two children.. an 11-month old and a 11-year-old (I'm step mom to 11-year-old but raising since she was 2)


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## RLC (Jan 23, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Are you sure that she is not pregnant with your husbands baby?


I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RLC said:


> They are stopping the contact that they can avoid (i.e. talking outside of work). They do work together and do have to interact, but not every day. We have two children.. an 11-month old and a 11-year-old (I'm step mom to 11-year-old but raising since she was 2)


Presumably she will shortly be taking maternity leave so wont be at work for some months anyway. That will be a good thing, but I would also ask that he look for another job.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RLC said:


> I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.


 Her husband may not believe that if or when he finds out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The Work Place - the sheer bastion of rampaging hormones and unfettered adultery in the world today?

Is there no end?*


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## Life69 (Jan 23, 2017)

RLC, it is probably you. He's fallen in love with a woman pregnate with a nother man's child. They are probably facing the same issues on the opposite ends of the relationship.The woman that your husband is in love with are being faced with the same issues from her husband. There is only but so much a person can take before they give up. In your case, your husband is giving up and is tired of all of the crap that he is being put throught. During this time he became fragile to other women. This is the same for the other woman. However, the relating troubles only makes them closer.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RLC said:


> They are stopping the contact that they can avoid (i.e. talking outside of work). They do work together and do have to interact, but not every day. We have two children.. an 11-month old and a 11-year-old (I'm step mom to 11-year-old but raising since she was 2)


Expose the affair to the OWH. Also, since this is a workplace affair, then one of them must leave. NC CANNOT be maintained while they are still employed with the same company. He's in the fog, and in that fog, it's all rainbows and unicorns, where none of the normal day to day relationship issues exist. At this point, you cannot trust anything he says when it comes to the OW.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RLC said:


> I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.


YOU may be positive, but only a DNA test will be absolutely conclusive. The OWH may even demand one. I've read so many stories of workplaces affairs that were supposedly EA's but are later proven to be PAs. You see, there is so much motive and opportunity in a workplace affair.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

RLC said:


> I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.




With all due respect young lady, without a DNA test in hand you cannot be 100% positive.

You found a wonderful website that will help you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Expose the affair to OW husband. Your H needs to find another job. Do not smother your H and play the pick me dance. Actively start looking for a lawyer to understand your rights. Plan to lose the marriage to save it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print out some articles about PEA chemicals and affairs, like this one, and ask him to read them. He is an addict at the moment. He's addicted to the 'high' of their 'romance' and the PEA chemicals are making him feel like it's real love, when it's not; it's just a high.

The Neuroscience of Infidelity: ?Flame Addiction? | Brain World


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *The Work Place - the sheer bastion of rampaging hormones and unfettered adultery in the world today?
> 
> Is there no end?*



Nearly all affairs that I know of started at the workplace.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Nearly all affairs that I know of started at the workplace.


*I have more and more respect for the General Manager of one Oilfield Services firm that I worked for as a mid-level manager not many years after graduating college!

There was a hard and fast rule ~ one of the GM's ~ that if you started even dating another employee there, one of the two of you had to immediately resign or risk getting fired by him!

An affair that was discovered always resulted in immediate dismissals for both!

All of this was clearly spelled into the pre-employment contract that you had to sign off on!

Boss' rationale was that a company workplace was foremostly created to get work done, not to try to satisfy raging hormones!

And it worked! Everyone just loved the old man!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *I have more and more respect for the General Manager of one Oilfield Services firm that I worked for as a mid-level manager not many years after graduating college!
> 
> There was a hard and fast rule ~ one of the GM's ~ that if you started even dating another employee there, one of the two of you had to immediately resign or risk getting fired by him!
> 
> ...


I agree with him, but not sure that could be enforced now, Its certainly a danger area.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I agree with him, but not sure that could be enforced now, Its certainly a danger area.


*In fact, he(as well as the company)was actually sued in state district court in the 1980's and he overwhelmingly won his case in a civil court jury trial!*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *In fact, he(as well as the company)was actually sued in state district court in the 1980's and he overwhelmingly won his case in a civil court jury trial!*


Agreed.

Every company has the right to have a no fraternization policy. Especially with all the sexual harassment lawsuits going on, its just plain bad business all around and unproductive to allow sexual affairs at work.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

RLC said:


> They do have a lot in common, but couldn't that get boring? I have struggled with anxiety, and I have smothered my husband because I'm more dependent than I am independent, and to him, he can never quantify things for me because I guess I come off as needing how much he loves me quantified, and things like that. I lost myself when we moved out of my hometown and I focused more on being a mom than on fanning our relationship.


What you REALLY need to do is get help for your codependency. Its allowing you to completely disrespect yourself while your husband acts like a damned fool about some married pregnant woman 4 weeks from giving birth. That's about as distasteful as it gets. The two of them are nauseating.

Why haven't you told her husband about their great star-crossed looooove? I'm sure he'd be most pleased to hear the mother of his soon to be born child is proclaiming her love to some married co-worker rather than nesting and getting ready for the birth of their child. 

Your husband is a real ass. THIS is the thanks you get for taking over the mothering of his child from another marriage since she was 2 and she's now 11? He's a real piece of work.

And the others are right. You do NOT know with 100% certainty WHOSE baby that really is.

Stop protecting his lying cheating ass and contact the OWs husband. He has a RIGHT to know and it's not fair for you to keep it from him. Just as YOU had a right to know, he does too. I'll never understand all this undying loyalty to a lying cheater. Not if I live to be 100. Do the right thing and tell that poor husband.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You need some individual counseling.. This is why couples therapy may feel like it is getting in the way. I do know who broke you but:


> As my husband puts it, we had problems before the affair happened (ok, fair).





> I have struggled with anxiety, and I have smothered my husband because I'm more dependent than I am independent, and to him, he can never quantify things for me because I guess I come off as needing how much he loves me quantified, and things like that. I lost myself when we moved out of my hometown and I focused more on being a mom than on fanning our relationship.


is no way to think when he cheated nor is it fair. Yes these are issues that need to be addressed, but NO WAY should your faults be manipulated this easily. 

The fact he did this AFTER you started therapy to fix things and continued during your visits is outright wrong. It also sounds like he used therapy to manipulate you into feeling bad. You help raise another woman's kid and he treats you like this, disgusting.



Oh, it may not be the therapy holding you back. The therapy may be waking you up to realizing he is a liar and a cheater who is no good for you. Yes, I know people want marriages to be saved because of kids. Still, not every marriage can or should be saved.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

RLC said:


> My husband is in love with another woman... they've been having an emotional affair for the last few months. We started therapy before the affair began, but I feel like it's getting in the way of any progress the two of us as a couple could even have a chance at.
> 
> As my husband puts it, we had problems before the affair happened (ok, fair). That said, he has also said that he is torn between two women. He loves me- we've built a life together, but he loves and is in love with her (and apparently the feeling is mutual.. they haven't told each other they love one another, but they've discussed that they've fallen or are falling for each other.
> 
> ...


Sorry you find yourself here, your H is a POS to be honest. He needs to feel your wrath rather than your apparent acceptance of this scenario. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions so you must go scorched earth on him, no more therapy and pandering to his fantasies IMMEDIATELY!
YOU have to be willing to lose this marriage, right now you are losing it anyhow because you are not standing and fighting for what is yours.

1. Get a good lawyer and see what your legal and financial options are
2. Blow up his and her world and tell everyone, his family, your family and friends
3. Let her husband know what has been going on, she has a nerve, being pregnant and dabbling in this shiet! She needs a come to Jesus moment big time too.
4. He has to write her a no contact letter, no meeting at work or discussing personal issues, she and he must back off, no alone time etc.
5. Tell him to start looking for another job right now. It is possible she will not be coming back due to the pregnancy etc, find out
6. Plan on telling the work place boss what is going on, HR usually frowns on this behaviour
7. Stop being so co dependent, get your own IC (stop the marriage therapy - let him suck it up) and work on yourself. Being dependent on another human being for your happiness is a recipe for disaster, learn to detach using the 180 immediately
8. Join clubs, the gym, whatever, start building a life for yourself without him in it. Make it clear that you will not be sharing him with anyone else as you are too valuable. If he cannot see that , let him go, show him you are prepared to dump his ass.
9. Focus on your kids also, 
9. You might not have problems in your marriage if he would put the time and effort he obviously puts into her into your marriage
10 You are the one moving from your hometown probably to support his career and this is what he does. To hell with that shiet! If possible take the kids and go back home.

In short put your foot down and tell him to f off that you have no place in your life for a POS cheater who sought out his own needs at the expense of the family and marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe you should merge your two threads?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RLC said:


> *I am 100% positive it is NOT my husband's child*. We have actually been more than honest about things lately in therapy. It is for certain her husband's child-- it wasn't planned, but it's his.


Come on. Really? Your husband has been lying to you for a long time. Why would you believe that this isn't a PA? i would be my next paycheck that this is a sexual PA with them getting together for romps or BJs at LEAST once a week.

You're blaming yourself for concentrating on being a mom to your 11 MONTH old? Stop it. Your WH is a POS. Not only is he betraying you during your most vulnerable time but he's helping destroy another family. It is very likely that this affair has been going on during your pregnancy.

You mentioned that you have a 11 year old step son that you've taken cared of since he was 2. That is your WH's son? If so, that makes him that much more of a POS. 

He should be thanking God for having a woman that has stepped into that role. He is betraying the woman that is mothering his son and bore him a kid to be with a cheating wh0re who's striving to be a dual home wrecker.

MC is a waste of time when the affair is still going on. If they're working together, it is still on. One of them MUST leave the job. 

You MUST expose this to her BH. Blowing up her world is the fastest way to put an end to things. 

Stop being understanding. Stop taking any of the blame. This is TOTALLY on him.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Nearly all affairs that I know of started at the workplace.


Yeah - workplace is at the top of my list. Followed closely by members in the same gym/workout class, then FB connection or meeting with an old BF/GF.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What you REALLY need to do is get help for your codependency. Its allowing you to completely disrespect yourself while your husband acts like a damned fool about some married pregnant woman 4 weeks from giving birth. That's about as distasteful as it gets. The two of them are nauseating.
> 
> Why haven't you told her husband about their great star-crossed looooove? I'm sure he'd be most pleased to hear the mother of his soon to be born child is proclaiming her love to some married co-worker rather than nesting and getting ready for the birth of their child.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You MUST tell her husband. @She'sStillGotIt words things strong, but sometimes we all need a swift kick in the a$$ to dislodge our heads from there. Bend over and reread her words until it comes back out. Right now, it is buried reaaaallllyyy deep.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Yeah - workplace is at the top of my list. Followed closely by members in the same gym/workout class, then FB connection or meeting with an old BF/GF.


List for what?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> List for what?


Places to pick up a spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Places to pick up a spouse.



OH ok, as long as they arent married already.

We met on a dating site


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Nearly all affairs that I know of started at the workplace.


It does appear many dip their pen in the company ink. If you think about it, most spend more wake time with coworkers than their own significant others. There is bound to be trouble.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> It does appear many dip their pen in the company ink. If you think about it, most spend more wake time with coworkers than their own significant others. There is bound to be trouble.


yes, thats why married people must be careful and have good boundaries.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

PLEASE!!! I'm loosing faith in the human race fast!!! What on earth did they bond over "Oh your pregnant tummy looks just like my wife's a few MONTHS ago! How's the morning sickness? I bet your husband doesn't understand!!" Yuck!!

You've got VERY YOUNG children, of course your marriage has issues! It's called sleep deprivation & raging hormones. STOP making excuses for him. This behavior is horrific!!

I'm not a big fan of exposing to all (particularly if you know you want to reconcile) but you know you should tell her husband. Give him copies of any correspondence of theirs. It's the DECENT thing to do. Don't lower your standards because of your WH.

Why tell her husband?

* It's the RIGHT thing to do.
* You would want the same decency.
* It shuts the affair down from both sides.
* It's another pair of eyes monitoring them.
* He could provide YOU with more information.
* You can support each other.

* ITS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!!

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. A 'romantic loove' affair is brutal particularly when you're first building your own family. Having to mother very young children whist experiencing such a stressful nightmare is so hard. I know! I can't imagine the added layer of complexity that a stepchild adds. Are you frightened of loosing your 11 year old if you divorce him? Has he always been a cold **** lacking empathy or is this something new? 

Please don't make the same mistakes as me. Be strong. Shut this down & show him hard consequences. It wasn't until I threatened divorce & told my H that I had no intentions of standing between star crossed lovers that it truly stopped. My H had an affair with a coworker 12 years ago. We reconciled. I was weak. 12 YEARS later when I was recovering from lifesaving surgery she reached out to him & it started AGAIN!! I believe that if I'd been stronger the first time I wouldn't be going through this utter devastation now. Please don't be me!! How you act now could shape your future.

Best wishes. Hug your babies for me. They grow so fast, don't loose precious moments because you're overwhelmed by this cruel betrayal.


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