# Lucky to have each other



## Foghorn

Hi,

I am a happily married mother of 3, ages 2, 5 and 7. We have been married for 16 years. I have been so lucky to live with someone who I love so much. But it's not an accident - we have some things about us which we work at. Some of it comes "easy", some not so much. I thought I would offer my thoughts about how this marriage stays healthy and stable.

What works:
1) Fairness in distribution of work. There is no "woman's work" or "Man's work". We both work full-time outside the home, we both take care of kids, either of us lend a hand to cook a meal, change a diaper, mow a lawn or take a car in for service. There are certain tasks distributed by physical attributes (i.e., I don't lift the 60 lbs bags of water softener salt, he doesn't breast feed) but for the most part, we share it all.

There is just too much freaking work to do, to say "some things are women's work"

2) Lightheartedness. I guess it helps if both people in the relationship are generally positive, optimistic sorts, but it's good for a marriage if both parties are willing to "take it lightly" when something unfortunate happens. We have both learned to laugh at what the world throws at us. We are lucky to have healthy kids, a decent house we can afford to keep, safety, comfort and even some fun. Everything else is "Easy come- easy go."

3) Forgiveness. When you disagree, get to the resolution quickly. When we were younger, we used to argue. Now, we just go straight to the "end" and say what we really mean, apologize on both sides, and make sure we know we're on the same side.
note: this only works if BOTH parties are the ones to apologize to each other. If only one person is always apologizing, that's a relationship power difference and one of you is a doormat - guess which one?

What doesn't work:

1) Date Night. Am I the only one for whom this is true? A regular "date night" is hard to arrange, and honestly it feels artificial. We're supposed to what, go be romantic, at the drop of a hat? It's nice for the people who it works for, but it doesn't work for us. 
That said, we make exceptions and go out for special stuff. It is irregular. It might be something that the other person would really love to do. Then we make it a surprise.

Once again, it's about fairness. If only one party sets up the "special stuff", concerts, plays, ball games, then again, it is a bad sign.

This is a few things that work for us. I don't care for the word "soulmate" but it's probably the best description of what we are. 

What works for you all?

-Foghorn


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## Fozzy

I like date night. We went without dating for a long time after the kids came along, and it took it's toll. We've started making an effort to spend more time together, and yes even though it's stupidly hard to arrange, I think it's worth it. I love spending time alone with my wife.


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## SimplyAmorous

Me & my husband didn't even think about "Date night" for 19 yrs of our marriage...though when we had our 5th child, an Aunt stepped in and insisted on Babysitting for us to get out at least once a month... this was very nice of her.

We never skipped the Family outings/ vacations... I can't say this really hurt us....we were always very close.... But we threw ourselves into "Projects" on the house at one time...then into our Kids- living a little TOO MUCH for them... 
so we did "neglect" some fertilizing & watering *to our own intimacy* that shouldn't have been. He wanted more ...and I wasn't "getting it".

Communication , arguing, fighting wise... we were always the type to not let the sun go down on our anger...








...

.... I've never had a friend in life that could compare to my husband...he's the 1st I run to with every care, every joy, every sorrow, every funny story, every EVERYTHING...as he does me....For this, we are both very Thankful. 



> *Foghorn said:* What works for you all?


Never Keep Secrets ~~~~ Never let the Sun go down on your anger. A little conflict is healthy, do not fear it ~~~Know your spouses Love Languages & live to give what they crave. ~~~~ If you have sexual inhibitions, destroy them! Read books on Sex , Intimacy & Spicing like mad, never let the passion fade.~~~ Continue to date after kids, Laugh with each other, Flirt always, be playful, bring each other up when the other is having a bad day .~~~ May your Lover forever & always be your Best Friend.


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## meson

Date nights work for us. But they are not regularly scheduled. Now when we need it we schedule it. Sometimes it's just a text sometimes is planned way in advance.

One of our best date nights last winter was when our boys were away I suggested building a fort in the living room in front of the fireplace. That touched her soul better than many of the standard "date night" things. The point is not to make it an obligation but rather finding a way of spending quality time together. If you can do that with out a formal "date night" then you really don't need date nights.


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## Foghorn

meson said:


> Date nights work for us. But they are not regularly scheduled. Now when we need it we schedule it. Sometimes it's just a text sometimes is planned way in advance.
> 
> One of our best date nights last winter was when our boys were away I suggested building a fort in the living room in front of the fireplace. That touched her soul better than many of the standard "date night" things. The point is not to make it an obligation but rather finding a way of spending quality time together. If you can do that with out a formal "date night" then you really don't need date nights.


That's exactly what I wanted to say, Meson, but you said it much better


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## Coffee Amore

Foghorn said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am a happily married mother of 3, ages 2, 5 and 7. We have been married for 16 years. I have been so lucky to live with someone who I love so much. But it's not an accident - we have some things about us which we work at. Some of it comes "easy", some not so much. I thought I would offer my thoughts about how this marriage stays healthy and stable.
> 
> What works:
> 1) Fairness in distribution of work. There is no "woman's work" or "Man's work". We both work full-time outside the home, we both take care of kids, either of us lend a hand to cook a meal, change a diaper, mow a lawn or take a car in for service. There are certain tasks distributed by physical attributes (i.e., I don't lift the 60 lbs bags of water softener salt, he doesn't breast feed) but for the most part, we share it all.
> 
> There is just too much freaking work to do, to say "some things are women's work"
> 
> 2) Lightheartedness. I guess it helps if both people in the relationship are generally positive, optimistic sorts, but it's good for a marriage if both parties are willing to "take it lightly" when something unfortunate happens. We have both learned to laugh at what the world throws at us. We are lucky to have healthy kids, a decent house we can afford to keep, safety, comfort and even some fun. Everything else is "Easy come- easy go."
> 
> 3) Forgiveness. When you disagree, get to the resolution quickly. When we were younger, we used to argue. Now, we just go straight to the "end" and say what we really mean, apologize on both sides, and make sure we know we're on the same side.
> note: this only works if BOTH parties are the ones to apologize to each other. If only one person is always apologizing, that's a relationship power difference and one of you is a doormat - guess which one?
> 
> What doesn't work:
> 
> 1) Date Night. Am I the only one for whom this is true? A regular "date night" is hard to arrange, and honestly it feels artificial. We're supposed to what, go be romantic, at the drop of a hat? It's nice for the people who it works for, but it doesn't work for us.
> That said, we make exceptions and go out for special stuff. It is irregular. It might be something that the other person would really love to do. Then we make it a surprise.
> 
> Once again, it's about fairness. If only one party sets up the "special stuff", concerts, plays, ball games, then again, it is a bad sign.
> 
> This is a few things that work for us. I don't care for the word "soulmate" but it's probably the best description of what we are.
> 
> What works for you all?
> 
> -Foghorn


I agree with everything you've written. 

We have all those. We don't schedule a night out for us, but we make sure we regularly spend time alone either in the house or away from the house. 

I too don't care for the phrase "soul mate". I don't think he's the other half of me. I know it sounds romantic, but it also sets up people for all sorts of expectations that are unrealistic in a relationship.

The only thing I would add is we both have good boundaries. I'm not opposed to purely platonic opposite sex friendships so long as rules are observed. I talk a lot on TAM about my marriage, but it's not something I talk about outside of this place. I certainly don't complain about my husband to my girlfriends or family. It's important to praise in public and criticize in private. I have friends who share every little "bad" thing their spouse does. Maybe they're venting, but guess what impression I have of the spouse?

My husband says the trick to staying happily married is to think of yourselves as still in the wooing and courting stage. I try to still think of him as my boyfriend, so I want to be my best self for him and vice versa. Too many people think that because the ring is on the finger now they can concentrate only on their job or hobby or devote all the time entirely to the children.


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## John Lee

I have never understood the attitude of some things being "woman's work." Anything I do to take care of my house and family makes me feel "manly" because I am being responsible and putting things in order.


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## anotherguy

Foghorn - Fairness, Lighheartedness and Forgiveness. A really really good way to start - well said.  I think those are some of the most important things too.

comment on date night...

Yeah - it can seem artificial I guess. Sort of like when someone says "be funny!".

But it doesnt have to be that 'forced' romantic thing at all. Just going out for dinner or going to a movie or going for a hike or going to the beach or going on a picnic or to a museum. Whatever.

Its like fitness I suppose. Once you do something routinely... and for long enough - suddenly you find yourself looking forward to it. And missing it when you realize there is something in your routine that is lacking. Doing this is not only about spending time together or artificially generating romance... but also, and perhaps more importantly - making sure that the time we spend together includes more than the 'daily grind' that it ALSO includes pleasant and fun times too - and regularly. In our busy lives I think its far too easy to slip into a routine where there are not enough pleasant and fun times to counterbalance all the humdrum of that daily grind. At least for us.

Do it long enough to make it part of your routine and maybe you will both start looking forward to it more. _Really_ do it long enough and maybe you wind up with this:










yeah sappy, I know. I figure its worth a shot.


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## Foghorn

I hope that's us. I hope we live that long. Life can throw a lot of curve balls.

THANK YOU to all who participated in my thread.


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## Rayloveshiswife

Foghorn said:


> 3) Forgiveness. When you disagree, get to the resolution quickly. When we were younger, we used to argue. Now, we just go straight to the "end" and say what we really mean, apologize on both sides, and make sure we know we're on the same side.
> note: this only works if BOTH parties are the ones to apologize to each other. If only one person is always apologizing, that's a relationship power difference and one of you is a doormat - guess which one?
> -Foghorn


I fully agree with this. As part of my wife and I rebooting our marriage. We have made an agreement that we will not go to bed angry at each other. I got the idea from a friend and brought it up to my wife figuring it would be dead on arrival, but she agreed to it saying it was a good idea long overdue. both of us had a habit of dragging arguments out for a few days for no reason at all. We would miss valuable time together because we want to hold a grudge for something insignificant one of us did. To go to bed the issue must be resolved or at least agree to let it go. Also each of us must ask the other for forgiveness for their part in the issue. Once and issue is done and we forgive each other, it cannot be brought up again unless to learn from it. 

We have both committed that our marriage will be built on forgiveness and understanding the others feelings as they effect them. 

Example: last week my daughter had my truck and while it was parked at the mall it was hit by some low life that just drove off. I was beyond pissed, not because my truck got hit, but because I was going to have to pay our deductible on the insurance for something that was not our fault. She tried to calm me down, to which I told her that I needed time to vent and to give me some room. She wrongly believed that I was mad at our daughter that was driving the truck, I was not. But she kept trying to calm me down and I eventually blew up on her. It was not till we tied it out that she found out the real reason for my anger. She forgave me for venting on her and I forgave her for not letting me have some time to vent and calm down. This was our first issue after our agreement to not go to bed angry and it worked awesome. We talked it out in a few minutes and went on with life. I'm certain we will have other problems that are not so easy to deal with and we will loose some sleep working them out. But I believe it will be worth it in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Row Jimmy

Communicaiton and kindness go a long way to keeping a marriage healthy. 

I really like spending time golfing and camping with my wife and going on the occaisonal "date night" as well, but I agree that scheduling weekly official date nights seems like too much, especially when you have kids.


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## Rushwater

I live for date night. Wife gets dolled up, we go out and I get to focus on her and her me. We get home, kids in bed and then it's just her and I and a bottle of wine. You know the rest. Ahhhh... I love my wife.


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## Abc123wife

"Once again, it's about fairness. If only one party sets up the "special stuff", concerts, plays, ball games, then again, it is a bad sign."

What if one of you is really a planner and the other never thinks about these things beforehand?


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