# feeling rejected and sad



## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

I am about 3wks post my wh affair. Has been an absolute rollercoaster. He broke it off with the *****. Told me he wanted to committ his life to being best husband and best father ever. Said we needed to bring God to center of our marriage. Said we needed counseling, etc. Ofcourse all sounded great to me. That is what I fought for for his 6week physical affair that resulted from 3month emotional affair. ANyway, it has been so hard. Guess I expected him to seem more remorseful, more giving of extra TLC, etc. But I have been very patient. We went to therapist Thursday and he mapped out a great plan (with our input/help) for daily steps and plans to start our process. During session my husband expressed concern to counselor that he's not in love with me, has no spark, no desire for me, etc. but does love me. Counselor's reply was well that is all natural and to be expected, you just got out of an affair. If you felt all those things prob wouldnt have had an affair. Counselor said start putting steps in place, have fun together, be nice, blah ,etc. So I was energized by our plan. Both of us agreed to willingly work on it. Well within 48 hours, my wh now says he just doesnt even know if he wants to be with me at all. He says he just doesnt know if he wants to be married to anyone, period. He says my weight gain is one of the biggest barriers to feeling a spark for me and that even if I lost weight, he still doesnt know if he could be happy. He said he doesnt want to be with me, married to me or work on anything. He was mad and yelling this. Long story short, after continued conversation, etc he said I really do wanna work on it. WTH? I am so confused, so sad and feel so rejected. I have never in my life felt so low. Just wanna know if anyone who is happily together now ever experienced anything like this? OR any other adivce input appreciated. oh and fyi- he is 40, me 37 married almost 15 yrs, 3 kids, 9 and under and together 17 Thank you


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sounds like he's in the process of leaving the fog - aka he's having withdrawal. He is likely quite literally going through withdrawal of the brain chemicals that his affair and the OW were triggering and can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground right now, hence the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. At only three weeks in you both still have a long way to go to deal with this, him as much as you unfortunately. As much as you can, ignore his words right now and focus on his actions, they'll reveal much more about his true intentions and feelings than anything he's saying. Right now he's like a whacked out crack head in need of a fix and there's no telling what will come out of his mouth. Like kicking a drug addiction it's not unusual for this to get worse the farther you get from D Day for a while - it's the process of beating the addiction and it will get better.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bossesgirl,

You husband is being a child and fence sitting. 

"He says my weight gain is one of the biggest barriers to feeling a spark for me and that even if I lost weight, he still doesnt know if he could be happy."

Shallow and a sad attempt at "blame shifting"


"Counselor's reply was well that is all natural and to be expected, you just got out of an affair. If you felt all those things prob wouldnt have had an affair."

Counselor is ignoring the lack of remorse and helping to blame shift.

"He was mad and yelling this. Long story short, after continued conversation, etc he said I really do wanna work on it."

The first...the very first step in all of this is that he has to own the entire thing. This has to happen before any forward movement is possible. The fact that he is fence sitting and obsessing over your weight, points directly to the fact that he does not feel like he has made a terrible mistake.

Regardless of what kind of plan you are on or what the counselor thinks without real thoughtful remorse on the part of your husband your road to recovery will be blocked.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I heard all the exact same things almost....but while my H was having the affair...sounds to me like he hasn't stopped....sorry...


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Is he doing the things like giving you transparency, taking ownership and accountability for his actions? Like I said his actions will speak more than his words right now. If all his actions point towards remorse and commitment to the marriage that's good, if his action do not positively point in that direction then you've got a continuing problem. Anything actions other than those showing remorse and commitment to the marriage -even actions of ambivalence or no action at all - indicate he is still to some level still in the affair.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's apparent that you don't want to divorce. However, the longer you attempt to pull him toward you, the longer he will resist and view you as his backup plan. The more effective strategy here is to remove yourself as his backup plan. And you do this by running a 180 on him.

A 180 means changing your behavior and attitude 180 degrees from what hasn't worked so far. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, you should be preparing yourself for life as a divorcee. You should lose weight to improve your health and to make yourself as attractive as possible on the dating market. You should stop pulling your husband toward you. Let him go. When he tells you that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to you, say, "I know exactly what you mean."

This strategy does two things. First, if you get divorced, it prepares you for the divorce. You don't wait for the divorce to be finalized before you start trying to move on. Second, it sometimes shocks the wayward spouse back to reality. When your husband realizes that you're not available as his backup plan, he may decide that monogamy with you beats an uncertain future as a single man.

You should also wait several months before either of you decide your future. You're on a roller coaster right now and you need to make sober judgments that will require time to be made correctly. It may take as long as five years before the wounds from his affair can fully heal. So be patient.


----------

