# Being the Second Wife



## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

Hi everyone! This is my first time on a forum so a little new to this but here goes! My husband and I have been together for 3 years (married for 1) and we are 10 weeks pregnant with our first child together. Our relationship was perfect for the first 12 months but he has been married before and has 2 children. His ex-wife has caused multiple problems throughout our relationship (I mean problems!) and it's really starting to take a toll on us now. It wasn't so bad at first, but as time has gone by true colours have started to show and I'm getting to a point where I am feeling resentment towards my husband and he is starting to defend his ex wife. Because there are children involved there is constant drama and I've had enough. The kids are 9 & 10. They broke up 7 years ago. Aren't they over it by now? Is this how our life is always going to be and how is it fair to bring a baby into this chaos? If I had known this is how things would be, I would not have gotten married. Anyway just wondering if anyone has been a second wife before and has any advise to keep strong during this time? I fear our marriage won't survive because of it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It will always be like this... if your husband allows it to be. He can set boundaries to keep things more amicable, or at least have less interactions, but he has to want that. 

What exactly is the ex-wife doing? What behavior is your husband defending?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you provide examples?

I was a second wife and one of the reasons we didn't work out was his placating his ex wife and snotty grown daughter at my expense.

Well that and his ex gf that he never got rid of, but i digress.

You should be priority one, so what specifically is going on?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Or there may be ways in which you can independently act. I depended on my first husband and expected him to right things with his friends who could be pretty nasty towards me. I wish I had managed these situations on my own.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Can you clarify who you are meaning by “they” in this quote? Do you mean the kids, or your H and his XW?



Kparm80 said:


> Because there are children involved there is constant drama and I've had enough. The kids are 9 & 10. They broke up 7 years ago. Aren't *they* over it by now?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kparm80 said:


> Our relationship was perfect for the first 12 months ... His ex-wife has caused multiple problems throughout our relationship (I mean problems!) and it's really starting to take a toll on us now.


May I suggest that your relationship wasn't as "perfect" as you thought? Perhaps you were ignoring some red flags.



Kparm80 said:


> ...he is starting to defend his ex wife.


Under what circumstances is he defending his ex? More details would definitely help here.



Kparm80 said:


> ... how is it fair to bring a baby into this chaos? If I had known this is how things would be, I would not have gotten married. Anyway just wondering if anyone has been a second wife before and has any advise to keep strong during this time?


I'd love to give you some sort of insight, but the details you've provided thus far are too sketchy. Perhaps it isn't fair to bring a baby into what you consider "chaos" but I assume it was chaotic when you became pregnant. I'm not sure what you mean about staying "strong." You alone can set boundaries as to what you will and will not accept. If it's bad now, I doubt it's going to get better after a baby is brought into the mix, particularly if you husband seems to now be siding with his ex.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

They - meaning my husband and his ex wife.

She calls late at night asking for help for the children. Example: calling at 10pm at night and asking him to make their lunch and drop it off the next day for school on her week. 

There have been multiple instances where we have been called out late at night over DV disputes between the ex wife and her new partner(s). (3 different live in partners in 3 years - same problems). 

We have the children 50% of the time also. Every now and then there are abusive messages to us because she wants more money (even though they're on the same income). The abuse/ threats last for about a month and then things are lovely and sweet between them again. This last happened in May and she was also telling him to leave me at this time - not really sure of her reasoning why here.

It's always a competition between them both - I almost feel like my husband enjoys feeling like the better parent of the two and almost feeds this behaviour? Its also a good topic of conversation for him for his family and friends. Constant bickering and fighting and then besties again not long after. It's actually really draining because I'm sick of being so supportive when things are bad and then having to flip when things are good.

Defends her - when I mention these things as being a problem and my patience is wearing thin, he disagrees and says she's not that bad and tells me I'm bitter. 

And no, I was not ignoring signs. Coincidently, things really amped up about a week before our wedding and have stayed like that since.

I love his children dearly and treat them like my own when they are with us. I have a good relationship with the and they adore me also. Funnily enough, his ex wife and I seem to get along face to face as well. As far as I see it though, outside of pick up and drop offs and any emergency, there should be no contact between them at all and this love/hate relationship they have is affecting our marriage.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Can you clarify who you are meaning by “they” in this quote? Do you mean the kids, or your H and his XW?


Thanks for your reply.. see my response below. I meant my husband and his ex wife. Surprisingly the children are happy and I have a great relationship with them.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can you provide examples?
> 
> I was a second wife and one of the reasons we didn't work out was his placating his ex wife and snotty grown daughter at my expense.
> 
> ...


See my reply.. I've listed a few examples here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So he says that she’s not that bad, and that you’re bitter… Tell him to go back to her. You need to not put up with those words coming out of his mouth at you, ever. I understand the need for him to coparent amicably with her, but he is allowing her to walk all over him at every point. 

Seriously. I have zero tolerance for ex-wives. You need to put your foot down, HARD. He is in the wrong here, 100%. 


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> So he says that she’s not that bad, and that you’re bitter… Tell him to go back to her. You need to not put up with those words coming out of his mouth at you, ever. I understand the need for him to coparent amicably with her, but he is allowing her to walk all over him at every point.
> 
> Seriously. I have zero tolerance for ex-wives. You need to put your foot down, HARD. He is in the wrong here, 100%.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I really appreciate your response!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kparm80 said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate your response!


You bet. My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife. Hence my point of view. I know how these things can end up. You need to be prepared that you could lose him over this, (putting your foot down, I mean) but it’s battle you need to fight. 

Boundaries!! He needs to set boundaries with her, and make her stick to them. If he refuses to do this, then you’re better off without him. 


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

3Xnocharm said:


> You bet. My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife. Hence my point of view. I know how these things can end up. You need to be prepared that you could lose him over this, (putting your foot down, I mean) but it’s battle you need to fight.
> 
> Boundaries!! He needs to set boundaries with her, and make her stick to them. If he refuses to do this, then you’re better off without him.
> 
> ...


Oh wow!! Thanks for sharing - that's awful! Deep down I know you're right but I guess I'm scared. I can already see where it's going to go. I know they won't end up back together (they split because she cheated on him twice), but she'll always be number 1. He says he does it for the children, but they're well adjusted and happy and I don't believe that for a minute.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Ok. So I'm on my second marriage. My first was for 30 years so you can imagine the history. The difference is our kids are grown. However, I have no qualms about putting my wife first with anything. She is my partner, my love, the woman who I chose despite so much past energy to stay out of relationships, and overall amazing. Granted we've only been together a few years but the only reason I care about my ex is that she is the mother of my children, but that doesn't control my current relationship. Not in the least. My ex would take me back in a heartbeat, but no way that's gonna happen. I couldn't imagine any scenario where I would defend my ex over my wife. No way. I'm completely committed to her, our marriage, and the new life we're building together. To me, it seems like your husband needs to grow a pair and grow up. It other words, he needs to tell that b**** to kick rocks and take care of her responsibilities, and you should expect no less as his woman. Sorry about the language. I'm kinda old school and it's getting late.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kparm80 said:


> Coincidently, things really amped up about a week before our wedding and have stayed like that since.
> 
> As far as I see it though, outside of pick up and drop offs and any emergency, there should be no contact between them at all and this love/hate relationship they have is affecting our marriage.


No surprises there, lol. You're half right re the last sentence. They have kids together, they will always need to have contact, even when the kids are with the other parent. They don't stop being parents because their children are at the other house sometimes. There's school things, doctor stuff, optical, hearing...sport...birthday parties etc. BUT barring emergencies, she shouldn't be calling him at 10pm, no. And any contact they have should only be about the children.

I'm a second wife and stepmum, and can relate to a lot of what you wrote. My husbands ex wife is high conflict and loves drama and hysteria. For a long time we would deal with some drama (that she created), all would suddenly be resolved and everything would go quiet for a while...until the next time. We have full custody now so I never have to deal with her, lol, I told my husband that he chose to have a child with her so she's his problem not mine.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Also - I'm in Australia too. If you PM me I'd be happy to send you the details of a couple of wonderful support groups for Stepmums, for Aussie steps


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yeah, none of that is acceptable. Your husband shouldn't be calling you bitter and defending his ex-wife. He shouldn't be letting her walk all over him. And he shouldn't be letting her speak to him the way she does. I understand he wants to make the co-parenting relationship work "for the kids" but this isn't healthy. If the kids are seeing any of this behavior then it's not healthy for them either and not something they should be learning. 

Your husband really needs to get her to back off and he needs to set some boundaries. I'm not sold he'd do it but there are two co-parenting apps that can help with situations like this. They are coParenter and TalkingParents. Basically, ALL communication goes through the app and you have little to no interaction with her. I've used both with my "step"daughter's biological father and they help a lot. Something to consider and maybe try to get your husband on board with.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Regarding the DV issues, I would take them straight to the police. Children should not have to live in violence, especially from random men.

I would keep a diary on what you know is going on. She's probably keeping one on you. For issues like making lunch, decide on a cut off time to be asked and then enforce it. The kids may miss their lunch a couple of times. but what else can you do? Make her contact the 2 of you by e-mail or whatever method is convenient for you.

Try to be sweet and smile as you set these boundaries. You're pregnant now anyway, so you can't do it all. Just say "It would be better if ........." and let that be your directive.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Even if there is zero chance that they would end up together, his behavior is still unacceptable. He is favoring her over you, which is disrespecting you, your marriage, and the life you are building together.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This is one of the reasons why I wouldnt marry a man who had young children. Ours were all in their late teens and early 20's when we met so neither of us had to have any contact with our exes at all. 
Nothing will improve until he stands up her unreasonable demands, and maybe some marriage counselling will help him to see that. He has to learn to say no to her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wouldn't tolerate any of it.

No calls unless there is a real emergency with the kids.

He should document the drama and keep the evidence in case he needs to take it to court.

Calling anytime, much less at night, would be out of the question.

Being a single mother would be hard but having peace and little drama would be worth it.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

If your husband can't establish and maintain healthy boundaries, you will have a slow death by a thousand cuts.

Your soul will eventually wither and you will probably become a shell of your former self.

I hope you have the strength to stand on your convictions wether your husband shapes up or not.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I wouldn't tolerate any of it.
> 
> No calls unless there is a real emergency with the kids.
> 
> ...


Don't always depend on your husband to do the right thing. Sometimes men wish that their spouses will take care of it. What's in it for them? They're able to hold their hands out in peace and say, "It wasn't me." That's certainly the lesson I learned from my failed marriage. Plus I get the feeling that women who just go for what they want garner a higher regard than someone who nags their husband to do the right thing.

Always be sweet AND firm. You're not fixing lunch due to a 10pm emergency call. And if keeping the fridge low on things that the kids like to eat lunch has to done, then just do it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Your H is apparently still placating his X. Probably doing just that while married to her. Probably easier for your H to be the "yes" man than facing the issue. Tell your H to get a set and make boundaries. When the kids are with the XW it is her responsibility to take care of them. Every bit of it. Next time your H says you are bitter help him pack his items so he may go stay with the XW. You are to be number one in everything.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

Really appreciate everyone's helpful advise and support. There are some helpful points that I will definitely utilise. And it's nice to know I'm not going crazy! I have started a journal and will call the police next DV instance. 
We can't be doing this while I'm pregnant or have a baby, my child deserves to have the best family environment possible and I will NOT tolerate any more BS.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Your H is apparently still placating his X. Probably doing just that while married to her. Probably easier for your H to be the "yes" man than facing the issue.


Nailed it!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Without knowing details, it's fair enough to assume that this is about your husband not doing what it takes to stop the drama, whether that is getting an attorney and going back to court and setting limits on how she can communicate or some other way. But there are options. They shouldn't even need to talk except if a child is ill or something like that. There are websites designed to provide email only communication to hostile spouses that can be ordered by the court and there are rules of engagement and copies are kept to take back to court if it doesn't solve the hostility spewing. 

He may actually want to keep this contact with her for his own reasons. There should be a set schedule for who takes care of the kids and when that both parties stick to and not get started asking for favors. If he has asked her to look after kids when it's his time to do it, for example, then she is likely coming back asking for her own favors and they're squabbling. No point in getting divorced if it doesn't end this crap and it puts the kids in a terrible position. 

That said, the kids should be coming first to both of them, not the second spouse.


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## Kparm80 (Oct 1, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Without knowing details, it's fair enough to assume that this is about your husband not doing what it takes to stop the drama, whether that is getting an attorney and going back to court and setting limits on how she can communicate or some other way. But there are options. They shouldn't even need to talk except if a child is ill or something like that. There are websites designed to provide email only communication to hostile spouses that can be ordered by the court and there are rules of engagement and copies are kept to take back to court if it doesn't solve the hostility spewing.
> 
> He may actually want to keep this contact with her for his own reasons. There should be a set schedule for who takes care of the kids and when that both parties stick to and not get started asking for favors. If he has asked her to look after kids when it's his time to do it, for example, then she is likely coming back asking for her own favors and they're squabbling. No point in getting divorced if it doesn't end this crap and it puts the kids in a terrible position.
> 
> That said, the kids should be coming first to both of them, not the second spouse.


Please don't misinterpret my post - the children do come first and this is not what I am writing about. You'll see some details in the full thread.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> There should be a set schedule for who takes care of the kids and when that both parties stick to and not get started asking for favors. If he has asked her to look after kids when it's his time to do it, for example, then she is likely coming back asking for her own favors and they're squabbling.


If the prior agreed routine is changed for any reason, then @Kparm80 should know about it. That way any fair trade or retaliation can be better understood.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Look, it's in the best interests of the kids, if at all possible, that the two parents can at least communicate verbally, either in person or over the phone. She doesn't sound hostile just overbearing with no regard for anyone but herself. Boundaries need to be in place before you go the route of digital communication only. The kids deserve for their parents to be able to hold a polite, respectful conversation for god sake.

Next time she rings at 10pm, let it go to voicemail. Then get your husband to text her asking if its an emergency. If she replies about school lunches, tell her "Sorry, going shopping tommorrow, nothing to make". Then don't respond anymore, she'll have to work it out herself. At least get your husband to call the school the next day to check that the kids have something to eat, the kids should not have to go without lunch because the adults can't pull their respective fingers out. 

If after doing all this she continues to be difficult, THEN you instigate digital only communication, excepting emergencies, and have it written into orders.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It is always going to be this way. I was a second wife also. Let me give you an example of my own personal observation of being in a second marriage and step family for 24 years. I was married previously too. My first husband had an affair and left. When he remarried I told my children that they had 2 moms. My kids would complain about her and I helped them understand where she might be coming from. I also befriended her and she accepted the friendship. 30 years later, even though his marriage ended in divorce, my kids and I still have a relationship with their stepmom. On the flip side of this, I tried to do the same with my second husband's ex-wife and she was unaccepting and I think the reason she was is because she wanted to possess her sons, like ownership to them. She did not have custody and she was angry with my husband. She created so much trouble and my husband never addressed anything with her. Her tongue was full of poison, she was incredibly damaging. I tried to talk to her but she would not hear a word I said. She told the boys straight-out lies about their dad and us, she did everything she could do to win the boys' love and try to rip them from us. She was the one that left them behind yet when she was ready (settled) she expected to have them back and I think that started revenge in her book and she never stopped.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Kparm80 said:



Because there are children involved there is constant drama and I've had enough. The kids are 9 & 10. They broke up 7 years ago. Aren't they over it by now? Is this how our life is always going to be and how is it fair to bring a baby into this chaos? If I had known this is how things would be, I would not have gotten married. Anyway just wondering if anyone has been a second wife before and has any advise to keep strong during this time? I fear our marriage won't survive because of it.

Click to expand...

*Actually, this exact situation is where I learned the lesson to NEVER, EVER, *EVER* be with a man with dependent children and an ex-wife again.

And I never broke that rule again after that. You can call me "scared straight." 🤣

I too was foolish enough to marry a guy with a 9 year old kid and a crazy Sea Hag for a wife. I left him after two years - there were other reasons I left, but the constant drama with he and his ex and the constant custody issues with their kid was a HUGE part of it. Crazily enough, his ex-wife hated me on sight and started calling me 'Barbie.' LOL...I know, there are much worse names to be called, right? But any time his ex could denigrate me to my new husband, she did. And if that wasn't bad enough, these two were at war *continually* - about custody of their kid, constant threats about suing each other for custody, constant threats about having the child support payment raised, she'd make sure to take their daughter and be *gone* when he'd go to her house to pick up his kid for scheduled visitation and he'd come back home - alone and fit to be tied - and I'd have to deal with his anger the whole night and next morning. Happy happy, joy joy.

But when the Sea Hag needed an 11th hour babysitter, she'd suddenly call him at 7 pm on a Saturday night and he'd be only too happy to drop whatever plans we had and run over and get her which I totally get (I'm a parent too but my son was in college at that point). But I was tired of always having OUR plans screwed over at the 11th hour whenever her babysitter backed out on her at the last minute. It's like we were always 'on call' and couldn't make plans to live our own lives because she was controlling everything.

Lastly, their daughter always felt she had to make her mother feel better so she'd go home after a weekend visit at our place and say bad things about her visit with daddy and his blond Barbie wife. Whenever he'd drop his kid off, I *knew* the phone would ring within an hour or two and it always did. And his ex would be on the phone screaming and hollering about some imagined 'sin' we'd committed to make their kid miserable during her stay but we knew she was just doing it to make her mother feel better because her mother was just so jealous and needed to feel like the Queen Bee. But dealing with those calls was just MORE **** for the *never-ending* **** sandwich constantly being served up in our house - and I was done with the whole thing.

*DONE.*

I couldn't leave fast enough and I never, EVER regretted leaving. Thankfully, I wasn't tied to him with a kid so I was able to make a clean break which I realize you're not able to do, OP.

Anyway, you asked if anyone else had been in your situation and I just wanted to share my story.

Life is too short to let others make it miserable for you. That's my outlook.

Good luck to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It never dawned on your husband that he didn't have pick up the phone? that's what voicemail is for.


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