# Trying the 180 but need some help



## mndlss

So My husband decided to tell me he does not love me and does not want to do anything to make our marriage work because he has been feeling like this for a long time already and doesn't think anything will work.

He has been having an EA with his ex from HS she lives in another state, they haven't talked in over 10 year now all of a sudden they can't stop talking. I found out shortly after he told me all this bs about not loving me..ect.

Long story but I ended up getting the upper hand applied some of the 180 tips..we were doing good for a lil while..he stopped talking to her for a while now back to same old stuff. I put an end to that and told him I want divorce was sooo frustrated at that point. Now he is trying to act like the perfect husband but then will say things that send mixed signals.

Don't know what to do ...still want to make it work ...please help


----------



## SkyHigh

I would say that not saying you want a divorce is a good start. If you want things to work, keep applying the 180. Keep the upper hand. He seems confused or cake-eating.

It's your life in the end and your choice of whether you want things to work out or not. If you don't, then don't. If you do, then don't mention the D word. Something I had to learn the hard way.


----------



## mndlss

SkyHigh said:


> I would say that not saying you want a divorce is a good start. If you want things to work, keep applying the 180. Keep the upper hand. He seems confused or cake-eating.
> 
> It's your life in the end and your choice of whether you want things to work out or not. If you don't, then don't. If you do, then don't mention the D word. Something I had to learn the hard way.


I like this ... I will continue the 180 and go from there.. if for nothing else then to better my own quality of life...we will see what today brings...my days have been getting better just from being able to talk to the ppl on TAM and read other ppls stories as well.
I know I am not the only one going through this and will stay strong and positive


----------



## This is me

I agree with SkyHigh. If you want it to work, don't say the D word. 

This all sounds similar to what my wife went through. She shocked me with the word Divorce in Feb 11, I discovered a co worker she was emailing, lunching and coffeeing with...likely EA. She was certain we could not fix our suddenly terrible marriage? It was all rewritten history. 

It took about a year of MC, her seperating for 4 months and me doing the 180 the best I could, but when it came down to meeting to discuss seperating the assets, after I was done with limboland, she woke from the fog and did not want the D.

They are confused and looking to explain their unhappiness by pointing fingers at an easy target, rather than looking inward.

Read Divorce Busting. Helped me a ton. Best wishes!


----------



## SkyHigh

I read that midlife crisis page and laughed. Hysterically. :rofl:

That's sort of what I'm being put through at the moment. Hence my new commitment to the 180. 

_ALSO, AN ALERT THAT I LEARNED. 

IF YOU EVER, EVER CALL A SPOUSE OUT ON CAKE-EATING, THEY WILL ALWAYS DENY IT. XD_


----------



## mndlss

This is me said:


> I agree with SkyHigh. If you want it to work, don't say the D word.
> 
> This all sounds similar to what my wife went through. She shocked me with the word Divorce in Feb 11, I discovered a co worker she was emailing, lunching and coffeeing with...likely EA. She was certain we could not fix our suddenly terrible marriage? It was all rewritten history.
> 
> It took about a year of MC, her seperating for 4 months and me doing the 180 the best I could, but when it came down to meeting to discuss seperating the assets, after I was done with limboland, she woke from the fog and did not want the D.
> 
> They are confused and looking to explain their unhappiness by pointing fingers at an easy target, rather than looking inward.
> 
> Read Divorce Busting. Helped me a ton. Best wishes!


Yeah I have been reading up on Divorce Busting today actually.

It really is funny because everything was great and then all of a sudden he acts like our whole life together has been miserable to him lol :scratchhead:... when just before he started talking to this other women he had told me what a great life we have together just one night out of the blue. Then he says he was happy AT THAT TIME..."that time" was just a few weeks before he had a sudden shift in attitude.


----------



## mndlss

SkyHigh said:


> I read that midlife crisis page and laughed. Hysterically. :rofl:
> 
> That's sort of what I'm being put through at the moment. Hence my new commitment to the 180.
> 
> _ALSO, AN ALERT THAT I LEARNED.
> 
> IF YOU EVER, EVER CALL A SPOUSE OUT ON CAKE-EATING, THEY WILL ALWAYS DENY IT. XD_


They will deny it to the death even when the proof is right there ...he kept telling me all these private phone calls he was getting was his Grandma calling him LOL so all of a sudden you feel the need to tlk to your grandma Everyday for hours at a time. And she is the one always calling never any outgoing calls and from a blocked number?? 

He said her phn is messed up and it has been showing up as blocked and he doesn't know why :rofl: so I was finally able to catch him on the lie and got him to tell me it was the OW only because the way I worded it, he was certain I already knew.

How stupid does he think I am ???


----------



## SkyHigh

See, the thing is, with cake-eaters, is that they claim they want to "let go" but as soon as you show it, they want you as close as possible. 

My wife is that way right now. A lot of people are noticing it. We've been best friends for a long time, and she is using that as a reason for our friendship. At the same time, she says that she needs to learn how to be alone. It's begging the question "So what is it?! What do you want?! To D? R? Forget me forever?!"

But you can NEVER ask a cake-eater that. They'll never give you a straight answer. They may not even realize that they're cake-eating. 

The back and forth flip-flopping is enough to drive anybody up a wall. Her words and her actions don't mix.


----------



## mndlss

SkyHigh said:


> See, the thing is, with cake-eaters, is that they claim they want to "let go" but as soon as you show it, they want you as close as possible.
> 
> My wife is that way right now. A lot of people are noticing it. We've been best friends for a long time, and she is using that as a reason for our friendship. At the same time, she says that she needs to learn how to be alone. It's begging the question "So what is it?! What do you want?! To D? R? Forget me forever?!"
> 
> But you can NEVER ask a cake-eater that. They'll never give you a straight answer. They may not even realize that they're cake-eating.
> 
> The back and forth flip-flopping is enough to drive anybody up a wall. Her words and her actions don't mix.


Exactly!! we are in very similar situations...NEVER a straight answer and I really feel like he was soo clouded (and maybe still is but is starting to get a clue) by her, he didn't even realize how much she was affecting him and changing who he was toward me and our M

So far today he has not text me from work which he has been doing these past cpl days non stop so I'm just trying to not think about wht he is up to. Good news, I have a job interview lined up with great pay and benefits for me and my daughter so hopefully I will be able to get it and that might be the push I need to stand on my own and show him that I can be just fine without him. 

Up until till now I am pretty certain he is happy in the fact that I am working from home and not making the money I would need to be on my own. That will hopefully change very soon...I am on a mission!


----------



## This is me

Good for you Mndlss. Mission control!

I really believe the MLC is a mental illness that will dissapate over time. The key for those who want to save their marriage is patience. The book Divorce Busting was good bedtime reading for the 4 months she abandoned me. Kept me sane and on track for what I wanted, which was the wife I once knew to come back to her. She is mostly back now. Life is good!


----------



## mndlss

So last night I let the H get under my skin... he was wanting to know who am I texting I told him why does it matter he said if he can not tlk to anyone then I can't either..I said I am just talking to friends, not having EA with them big diff. Then he asked me for password to phone bill (it's all under my name) and saying how he is getting his own plan, and was looking up one bedroom places online.

I asked him if he doesn't love me and want to be with me then why if he acting like he doesn't want me to move out? and why has he been acting like super husband? He said he doesn't know what I am talking about and to give him an example LOL. So I played along and told him all the over affection, hand holding, cuddling on the couch, ect. He said he is just trying to b civil and doesn't want to fight anymore,and if he did love me still then he would be saying the actual words ( I Love U), and is still wanting to separate LOL (I am totally loosing my mind now)

I told him what he is doing is waaayyy more than trying to be civil because even when everything was supposedly ok with us he was not even doing all that. I told him from now on there will be no more sex or anything else that would hint at a R. Not going to have him keep playing with my mind and giving me false hope.

I then told him that I would be going out with a friend to the movies this Sunday instead of him because there is no need to go out together. He said "oh, thanks alot" LOL Why would you want to go out to the movies with me if you want nothing to do with me...I don't get it, I don't want to go with you as a friend that is for sure.

So at this point I will start going out and doing my own things and living my own life, and idk maybe he will have a revelation one of these days and realize he is making a mistake. I am soo tired of being played with ...he thinks I am just going to be here no matter what and he can always count on me as the fall back person, but doesn't like it when the shoe is on the other foot.


----------



## SkyHigh

> idk maybe he will have a revelation one of these days and realize he is making a mistake


At that point, it's on you to see what you want. 

Do you want him back? Has he really changed? Have you really changed? Take that into account.


----------



## Always Mrs DeWitt

I have never heard of this 180 - does it work for those that are divorced, and the wife wants to reconcile? Husband is with another? He has spent time with her the past 3 weekends... Thanks.


----------



## This is me

The 180 is for you. Helps you move on. Sometimes the change seen by the wayward spouse makes them take a second look, but it is primarily for the sufferer.


----------

