# I don't satisfy my husband



## 4dguyswife (Apr 6, 2008)

I will really try not to be long winded. We have been married for 22 years. Kids 23, 19, 16. I guess I have been the one with the higher sex drive. When we argue it is generally about sex. Over the years, I have asked for more my Hs response is usually if I did more and was more exciting he would want to more. I have no issue with this however I am not allowed to initiate it. Over the years, I believe I have taken huge walks on the wild side and he seems pleased at the time. But then the frequency dies and we argue and he usually makes another request. We have been to MC but we just dance around the issue. The latest is he wishes I would touch myself more often. I said okay but he needs to understand that for me to do that I need to be in the mood. It is sometimes hard when I'm required to be horny on demand. That the times I am in the mood I am generally required to take care of things myself. I have never said no to my H. I am not opposed to adventure. But I am frustrated that it is only ever on his terms. I want to satisfy him but I'm tired of being told I suck in bed. I am starting to resent him. We fight all the time now. What should I do?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Does he try to satisfy you during sex?


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## 4dguyswife (Apr 6, 2008)

When we do have sex, he is very unselfish. Which is why I try very hard to fulfill his requests. They are not unreasonable. It just when I ask for it more often. He finds something else.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You said this, which sounded like he doesn't put much into pleasing you during sex:


> That the times I am in the mood I am generally required to take care of things myself.


Unless he has low testosterone, which can be treated, I don't think I've ever ready anything on this forum which can really help increase the sex drive of someone who is truly physically low drive.

There may be some other things to consider if his lower drive is caused by non-physical issues:

- relationship issues: buried resentments he has that have made him less emotionally interested in physical intimacy, or you don't spend much time together as a couple so distance has grown, too much fighting about sex has made sex a dreary or anxiety-ridden problem rather than fun

- he masturbates often or too much so doesn't have the energy for you. That may or may not be connected to porn watching. Some of his demands on you could be due to something he's seen in porn, as could his desire that you be more "exciting" despite your having been adventurous with him already. 

- stress, anxiety, being tired all the time due to too much work, physical illness

- an affair, either physical or emotional

- he's not physically attracted to you due to familiarity, or you've put on weight or something

I have no explanation for his demanding that you perform for him on cue whether you are interested or not in a particular sex act in that moment. The demanding would kill my interest in it and I'd think it very rude.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It sounds as if he continues to give you a list to put you off for a while.

It reminds me of many of the men here who's wives promise more sex if they will help.with the kids more, finish household projects, etc. They work down the list and yet little changes in the bedroom.

Its sex, you know. Something that a person shouldn't be too put out over doing to meet their partners needs. You say you never say no to your H (I also do not or very rarely) - I know I'm not always in the right frame of mind to switch gears like that but I do.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Does he watch a lot of porn? 

He sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of what you should be doing, and he is acting like you should be running around masturbating and touching your self etc just in case he wants you, yet he's not putting the effort in nor making you feel desirable.


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## 4dguyswife (Apr 6, 2008)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Does he watch a lot of porn?
> 
> He sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of what you should be doing, and he is acting like you should be running around masturbating and touching your self etc just in case he wants you, yet he's not putting the effort in nor making you feel desirable.


That pretty much sums it up. Lately I feel like I'm graded every time we do make love. Recently, I thought we connected and it was wonderful. I told him how complete I felt. There was passion excitement the whole 9 yards. He told his MC about how I felt. But followed it up with 'yeah, there was no ah ha moment for him. I was crushed. I told him how much that hurt. My belief if its not "porn" sex all the time he is bored. I don't think I'm wrong to not want that all the time. Nor do I think its wrong for me to come to him when I'm in the mood. But for years I have to shelve it and wait for him. Oh did I mention to be ready to orgasm in 5 minutes or less. It is really hard not to be bitter and resentful.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

4dguyswife said:


> We fight all the time now. What should I do?


It sounds like you think sex should be the tonic that improves all things intimate. Doesn't everyone think this? It would seem not.

Sounds like he has the intimacy brakes on. Sex problems might be secondary. Not much to go on.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

4dguyswife said:


> That pretty much sums it up. Lately I feel like I'm graded every time we do make love. Recently, I thought we connected and it was wonderful. I told him how complete I felt. There was passion excitement the whole 9 yards. He told his MC about how I felt. But followed it up with 'yeah, there was no ah ha moment for him. I was crushed. I told him how much that hurt. My belief if its not "porn" sex all the time he is bored. I don't think I'm wrong to not want that all the time. Nor do I think its wrong for me to come to him when I'm in the mood. But for years I have to shelve it and wait for him. Oh did I mention to be ready to orgasm in 5 minutes or less. It is really hard not to be bitter and resentful.


he sounds pretty selfish to me. maybe not in the activities you do in the bedroom but in the lead up to sex activities. if he want you to be a porn star in the bed he needs to be Cary Grant outside the bedroom.

because he has a lower sex drive(because hes spanking it to porn) hes controling you through sex.


need to shake things up a bit. maybe a frank conversation about his porn use and his lack of desire for you in relation to how much porn he is using.


if he refuse to honestly work on this issue then you will have to decide if your willing to accept his behavoir or if its a deal breaker.


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## popz (Sep 5, 2013)

My H also has watched to much porn in the past that now I think I cannot satisfy him as I cannot live up to what he has seen. He has to take V to get hard with me, although he is upset he has too and is very apologetic. tried telling him it was because of the porn and him satisfying himself, he has desensified himself to normal sex. It is really upsetting, I too never say no, I too have tried most things to satisfy him, and am coming to the end of the line.
its tough, with tough choices to make


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> he sounds pretty selfish to me. maybe not in the activities you do in the bedroom but in the lead up to sex activities. if he want you to be a porn star in the bed he needs to be Cary Grant outside the bedroom.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is SOOOOO TRUE!


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