# Experiencing new things about SEX...should it be a couples shared goal?



## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

I don't know why I feel like I need to be with my wife and feel like we both want to experience new things in bed but I just don't see her very much into it like me...and I guess is normal since we are different people....I don't know how to get rid of the feeling I have about she wanting to do it make me happy and give me as much as I can, but I become guilty when I keep in wanting more and the next thing.....she says that as long as what I propose makes us both happy that everything is okay, but my problem is don't know how long I can feel excited without feeling her to get excited with the idea of trying to do new things....I mean you need to really be good friends and have an open communication flowing about everything if you want to get to this level of intimacy, but can you actually have it without feeling your partner is doing it for her as well....my problem is that my desire for my wife changes when I feel like I am the only one wanting to have this relationship at this time of our lives....she is like going along the best she can, but not actually thinking and getting excited about it....what to do, how far can I go before I reach a point where everything doesn't seem exciting anymore....how do I make peace with the fact that if it wasn't for me, we'll be doing it 3 times a week and pretty much the same way and she would be happy with it.... boomer!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I sort of know what you mean. I am the adventurer in our relationship. I usually suggest and/or set up the new ideas/situations.
However, we talk before and after. Usually, she likes it and we will do it again and either one of us will suggest or set it up. Just keep trying new stuff and keep talking.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

marcopoly69 said:


> I don't know why I feel like I need to be with my wife and feel like we both want to experience new things in bed but I just don't see her very much into it like me...and I guess is normal since we are different people....I don't know how to get rid of the feeling I have about she wanting to do it make me happy and give me as much as I can, but I become guilty when I keep in wanting more and the next thing.....she says that as long as what I propose makes us both happy that everything is okay, but my problem is don't know how long I can feel excited without feeling her to get excited with the idea of trying to do new things....I mean you need to really be good friends and have an open communication flowing about everything if you want to get to this level of intimacy, but can you actually have it without feeling your partner is doing it for her as well....my problem is that my desire for my wife changes when I feel like I am the only one wanting to have this relationship at this time of our lives....she is like going along the best she can, but not actually thinking and getting excited about it....what to do, how far can I go before I reach a point where everything doesn't seem exciting anymore....how do I make peace with the fact that if it wasn't for me, we'll be doing it 3 times a week and pretty much the same way and she would be happy with it.... boomer!


Hand her a notebook and a pencil. Tell her that you want her to write out five of her sexual fantasies for you to read, without judgement. Then pay attention to what she writes.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

married&lovingit said:


> And what if she never comes back with any fantasies?
> 
> Not being a PITA - but my wife simply refuses to address this question...
> 
> Maybe now that we've rediscovered communication  I can come back to this question...


Have you considered insisting?

"Honey, I'll be glad to clean out the garage right after I read your five hottest sexual fantasies. Until then, I'll be right here on the couch. Just how badly do you want the garage cleaned up?"


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

But that operates under the assumption that there are fantasies that simply aren't being communicated.

In the literal years I've spent trying to understand and come to terms with the issue of sex in my relationship/marriage what it finally seems to me is that for a naturally low-libido person (presuming no medical/emotional/stage of life issues, etc.) sex just isn't something that they think much about. I can't imagine it myself, but from descriptions and discussions on other boards specifically about differences in libido--that's how it seems to be. And if sex just isn't on your radar, then how or why would you have a top 5 fantasies list?

I try to think of it like Italian food. I don't really care for Italian food. If the people I'm dining with want to go for it, I won't say no and sometimes I'll make it for my husband, but it's not something I ever really _crave_. Given that, if you asked me to name my top 5 favorite Italian foods, I'd be really hard pressed. At best, I could probably tell you the ones I dislike the least, but that certainly doesn't mean I want you to get in the kitchen and whip me up one of the things on that list and certainly not on any sort of a regular basis.

It doesn't necessarily make living with a low-libido (or no-libido) partner any easier, but it's helped me understand his frame of reference a little better and try not to take things so very, very personally....as much as one can, anyway.


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## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

I read here a lot of treads on low and high libido parters being married.

Why don't you guys figger that stuff out BEFORE you marry.
Love and sex are the 2 most important aspects of a marriage.
These 2 things have to match each other from the onset.

All the rest like housing or money is secondairy.

If either one is lacking or mismatched things are gonna come apart at the seams sooner or later.


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