# Husband cheated, trickle truths, and trust lost.



## dawniedoo47 (Oct 20, 2010)

Hi there,

I am new to this site. It has been 8 months since I found out. I still feel like crap. Every day is still a roller coaster. My husband says he cheated once and only once. 

I later found out that he spent 8k on strip clubs in 7 months. He also went into massage parlors a handful or more times. I am not sure I believe everything he has said.

He told me he was sitting in a bar and a woman approached him sat down and they talked for about 10 minutes or less. She then says "let's go f*** in my car" and he says SURE?????????? I mean, I haven't been in a bar for a long time, but does that still happen now a days? he didn't wear a rubber, so I got an STD from him. He said she looked clean... Well, he is 51 and should know that you can look clean and have and STD!

I later found a poem he wrote about having an affair in a hotel room. He says it's fictional. Something he always wanted to write about.

I had some surgery about 4 months ago and had a lot of problems. He was there for me the whole time. Doing things for me and taking me places. He had to do wound dressings/packings. He was awesome. 

I am just having problems with trusting him and believing his "story". I guess I have to let it be. BUT sometimes it is so hard to just say that was then this is now. he's doing better. 

He is in IC and the counselor says he is angry and having displaced anger. YAY so he cheated because of this? 

thanks for listening!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do NOT have to let it be. Does he give you all his passwords to phone and computer? Has he changed to be more invested in the marriage? Has he willingly told you everything? If not, ask him to take a polygraph to settle things.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If he cheated on you and the counselor is only for him, it's time to find a new counselor.

You need access to everything he uses to communicate as a starting point.


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## dawniedoo47 (Oct 20, 2010)

We did go to MC for 3 months. After I had this health issue we couldn't go and he was very helpful. 

I do have all the passwords to all accounts. I have control of the checking/savings accounts now. 

But I do know that he had another email account that I do have the password to now... but I know it's easy to make another, too. 

It's trust that is shot. 

He willingly told me about the affair. He had to 4 months after it took place because he found out about the STD. Then during WC he told me trickle truths. Like I only went into the clubs a few times. Then it was maybe 20 times. Then once I went through our accounts I found 8k worth. He said he didn't realize it was that bad. And now he says, he was lying to himself how bad it was. 

The IC says all of it is because of displaced anger. Well, I am not sure 8k is displaced! 

He has been very remorseful, but I still have doubts, trust and anger myself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a question for ya. 

Have you spoken directly to the counselor and heard from the counselor's own mouth "it's because of displaced anger"? 

Or is this what HE says the counselor says?


The reason I ask is that people have displaced anger, but that's no excuse for not accepting personal responsibility. He spent months in strip clubs, lied to you to your face, spent $8,000 of your joint dollars, and gave you a venereal disease that may have cost you your life. Thus it is reasonable to expect full accountability and personal responsibility for the damage he's done. The problem I see is this: 

You say that you are not sure if you believe everything he says. Well of course not--his words and actions do not match. He has not behaved in a trustworthy manner. But let's pretend for a moment that as of October 1, 2010 you know all of the truth--everything. How would you know? How would you know if there's a hidden credit card or another email account? In real life, you WOULDN'T know would you? Or let's pretend for a moment that as of October 1, 2010, you firmly believe you know all of the truth. You're convinced this is everything. How would you know? What criteria would you use to determine if you knew it all? 

I ask this because as you can see, your husband did, indeed, BEHAVE in a way that was untrustworthy. It is reasonable for you to not trust him. Further, when you would begin to think of trusting him a little, POP! Out would pop another "truth" and you'd be back to not trusting him. So your hesitation in trusting him is reasonable and realistic. If he or his counselor are expecting you to just magically trust him now, that's unreasonable and unrealistic. 

I personally would suggest that you tell him right up front, out loud, "I do not trust you and I do not believe you. You acted in a way that is not trustworthy, so until you can ACT in a way that demonstrates trustworthiness, and you show me that your words match your actions, I am not going to believe you. Period. However, I will give you the chance to demonstrate to me--through your actions--that I would be safe to trust you again. Right now I do not and will not until you DEMONSTRATE honesty." 

Furthermore, I would suggest that you figure out what honesty means to you. Do you mean that he shares every thought with you, because even I do not share every thought with my Dear Hubby. At times I get very angry--momentarily--and then I think better of it and edit myself...and then speak out loud and say "this is not okay with me." So do you expect him to share with you his personal, private journal? OR do you expect him to show you the true him--warts and all--to be transparent about where he is, who he's with, what they're doing, why he wants to do it, when he'll be home or done, and how he feels? Define what you expect for "honesty" and have a really good grasp of what your boundary is there. 

Then, once you have told him he has the chance to demonsrtate honest behavior, and you have a good grasp of what you mean when you say "honest" (so that you could communicate that to him)---THEN you will have actually be vulnerable enough to give him the opportunity to try. This means you might have to let go of your rightful claim to punish him by bringing this up and thereby controlling him by pulling out your ultimate TRUMP card.


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## dawniedoo47 (Oct 20, 2010)

Thank you Affaircare. You gave me a lot to think about and sound advice. I appreciate the outside looking in aspect of things!

He is the one that said the IC said this. He went there to find out why he cheated and to talk about sex addiction. So, far he says she hasn't talked much about him cheating or sex addictions. weird. 

BUT really thank you for that advice.


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## dawniedoo47 (Oct 20, 2010)

Today my IC told me I am suffering from PTSD. Yay. I'm nuts!!!!!! I knew it.


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