# Am I crazy or is he a bully



## asby (Mar 14, 2012)

I have been remarried for 4 years. We each have children from prior marriages. Before our marriage, I asked for a pre-nup. he is very successful and I have savings I wanted to protect in case something ever happened- being a single mom is hard and I worked hard and saved. He was very offended by me wanting a prenup. So, to ease the tension - I suggested that he have a lawyer draw up a pre-nup - so he would not feel so threatened. Here is the problem: he is an attorney- so it is not like he does not understand the law- he had an attorney draw the most offensive agreement my attorney had ever seen. In the event of a divorce I would waive my right to anything and everything aquired in the marriage - and I mean anything! My portion of the house we were going to build -(I was putting down 1/3 of the home upfront- cash and was to waive any right to that) any and all community property etc. It was so rude and awful and so mean. I had never seen this side of him and it scared me. After much drama we settled on a basic agreement, but a seed was planted. 
Our life revolves around him and his children. We wait to see what his children are doing before we can even plan to go to dinner. we had to build a house with a yard big enough for his son to kick a soccer ball, we only vaca with his family at his beach house- he will not do anything with my family because he might be bored. He ignores my sons and for first two years rarely spoke to them. He will text me with reports that they did not flush the toilet, etc.. the list just goes on and on. And if i try to mention anything about his kids - one daughter is just plain rude- he will start in about my boys. True my kids are active and out going- but his are like zombies. They don't talk, they just sit around and study and play their sport. 
My kids and I spend as much time away from the home as possible. It is so screwed up. My question is: am I crazy? Is this normal behavior? I feel like he is very controlling in a very subtle way. His first wife left because of his temper and controlling ways.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Oh, this isn't good. You're right to think there's a problem. It sounds like he was offended by the pre-nup and has becoem passive aggressive and detached. There are definitely walls up between the two of you. You need to find a way to talk to him about the imbalance you are seeing in your relationship. It should be closer to a 50/50 partnership. Right now, he's calling the shots most of the time and you're adapting. That's how I'm seeing it. If you don't deal with it now, this is just going to worsen. It did for me. You want to be more like partners and equals so that you can both respect each other; once you lose that respect, it's all down-hill from there.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Asby, I agree with DesertRose that the behaviors you describe are serious red flags. I suggest you read my description of what it is like to live with a controlling, angry partner who has strong BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I suggest you read _Stop Walking on Eggshells,_ the best selling BPD book targeted to the partners.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am confused about the pre-nup you did sign. Did you sign one in which you gave up your rights to all community property?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm confused. You wanted a prenup to keep your savings but are offended because he got hurt by your request and then had this prenup created (out of spite for your prenup).

I think it's all sad. Why marry someone if you're worried about losing your money? I never got that.


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