# My wife says Sex is NOT important to her... Yup



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. We are now married.

The problem we have is that she says sex is not important to her, that she could take it or leave it. And it shows.

We have sex once a week or every two weeks. Mostly about every two weeks, sometimes once in a month. Some may say that is enough, but not enough for me. She even committed the cardinal sin of telling one of my friend's wife that she does not like having sex with me, if you can believe that, so uncool. Of course, my friend's wife told me and then went on to hit on me which I thought was kinda funny. Although she is HOT, but she is my friend's wife and that would not be cool. Plus the fact that I am also married.

She also tells her friends things when we argue, as if she needs to report to everyone our details. That just pisses me off to no end, especially when I think of her telling one friend she does not like having sex with me. I have to tell you, that is a tough one to overcome, I am struggling with that. Who wants to have sex with someone who is not also enjoying it?

I am in my late 40's, not a bad looking guy and girls in their 20's and early 30's are attracted to me if you can believe that. I try and stay in good shape and am not perfect as I have gained about 10 pounds if that over the years. But not more than that.

My hair has gotten salt and pepper and for the longest time she kept telling me to put color in it because I looked old so I would put a little of that stuff that takes away some of the grey, but still leaves some of it on.

We have 3 daughters in the 3-7 year range.

Here is the deal, when we met our sex was awesome. All the time. She loved giving and receiving oral sex.

Now she considers sex a chore and get's extremely irritable when I talk about it and want to initiate it, as if she is disgusted with me. She is in her late 30s, I am close to 50. In regards to oral sex, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE, she will NOT allow it or allow me to even come close to that area unless it is with my manhood and occasional hand stroking of her. Other then that, I can forget it as far as she is concerned.

We had some financial issues for a while in which we struggled, but we made it through and within a few months we will be debt free and living good. I know it stressed her out, but we made it.

She is a stay at home mom who loves to take care of the girls, goes to their school and volunteers and spends days at the beach with the girls during the week while I am working.

I have done a lot of cool things in the house and back yard that it is like a haven for our kids, a park and entertainment place for the whole family. Many months I would come home from work and go straight to work on the house. Yet everything I do, she looks for what I did wrong or how a board is crooked. I am not kidding, she literally looks for defects rather than the whole overall picture. And then, when I want to watch the last half of a game, she says I do not do anything in the house and talks about how she should hire someone to do the things I am "supposed to do". I just get pissed when she says things like that because I bust my butt for everything we have, I feel like she is so ungrateful and just takes things for granted.

She sometimes goes out with her mom friends and I stay home with the girls so she can have a night off. Many times we fall asleep watching TV and when she gets home she walks in and immediately starts complaining because I did not do the dishes and how the girls are not in their jammies when they are asleep. Keep in mind that I do the dishes every night, it is a chore I do because I want to show her my appreciation for her awesome dinners she always makes. It is hard to think that she would come home with such a rotten attitude, rather than come home happy because she had a night off with friends.

FYI: I KNOW she is with her mom friends, I know them and she sends me texts of them hanging out all the time when they are out to their dinners, so I am not worried about anything like infidelity.

We live in an amazing area in an exclusive neighborhood and home which I bought before I met her. There is a reason I bring this up, I am not bragging, I promise.

The reason why I bring it up is because I think she is in love with our home, with our area, our lifestyle, and not with me. She constantly says how great it is here, how lucky we are to live here, etc. She also brings up a lot how she is not on the title of our home or on my cars. I know it is trivial, but it makes me wonder if she is more interested in that then me.

I cannot begin to tell you how unhappy I am. If it was not because of my kids, she would be gone because I would have asked her to leave a long time ago. The lack of sex is killing me, it is making me angry and resentful of her.

We had a conversation recently where I was asking her why she did not want sex and she said she could take it or leave it. So I told her it was important to me, that I was still in my prime and she said I should see a specialist or doctor to cure my sexual cravings because maybe I had an issue. I told her that this was silly, that she should be in her sexual prime and she said no, that her sexual prime came and went.

Sometimes she says that I need to do things for her so that she feels more loved which will lead to more sex. I do everything she asks and still, same thing, same results. Plus, what is the deal with always having to work for it, always having to do special things just to get sex. I don't get it.

I have always treated her well, great actually, but every day I am more and more angry and resentful of her because of this. I have a hard time leaving her because my daughters would suffer tremendously and my kids are my life.

Any thoughts on the matter?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. We are now married.
> 
> The problem we have is that she says sex is not important to her, that she could take it or leave it. And it shows.
> 
> ...



Your wifee has a low sex drive (LD) and you have a healthy sex drive (high drive HD).

She doesn't care for sex and how it effects you.

She isn't taking care of your needs as you're supposed to do in marriage.

It is up to her to communicate what her sexual desires, fantasies and fetishes are with you, and I'm sure you'd do them with her. Say nothing and get nothing.

I too have had women in their early 20's to 30's hitting on me. Women now a days seem to like older guys, probably because we have our lives together, more mature, sexual experiences, a house, etc. versus guys their own age that have none of this yet.

Women like what they can't have. A married guy in a sexless marriage, alone with them, they flirt, maybe get pounded hard and they know he's sexually starved with no strings attached......Try going to a bar and wear your wedding ring. See how many women hit on you......

My hair is also salt and pepper, just no balding.

After your wifee had 3 daughters, her sex drive dropped due to her hormones changing. Kids do that. Her hormones may recover one day or they may never and going to a Dr. to get meds is the next step. That's more than likely what it is.

In her late 30's, she should be in her sexual prime.

Wife and I had financial struggles early in our marriage as well.

She chose to be a stay at home mom and have 3 kids. No excuses there!!! She could of had 1 kid and still worked a part time job.

Buy her a small vibrator. Once she starts having orgasms from it, I'm sure her attitude towards sex will change. If she doesn't have orgasms from sex, why would she want sex?

She is also comfy in the marriage. Why would she change short of marriage counseling or even divorce papers?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

rickinsv said:


> I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. We are now married.
> 
> The problem we have is that she says sex is not important to her, that she could take it or leave it. And it shows.
> 
> ...


You have about the same age gap as I do, and I hope to parallel your success in life, so the situation can end up similar for me.

I'm not sure what to say, because you have the physical portion of the MAP handled, you have the finances, I'm sure you assertive when you need to be and loving when you need to be. I'm sure there is nothing at all wrong with you.

So why does the wife justify putting a label on you with her friend pretty much saying your not that good in the sack, that's a **** deadener. If you think of it like "voodoo", all these people thinking this and projecting it into you and acting like it, it's not going to be no surprise when you don't exactly feel like Don Juan with your own wife.

She probably is in love with your lifestyle and doesn't expact you to leave, likes her life with you and the fact she doesn't really have to put out. 

My ears are opened, because I'm going to be in a similar scenario over time if I stay in this situation and I do want to be the Don Juan with my own woman, I need to be.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

We have already went to counseling but it worked for about a month, then same old crap.

I HAVE bought her a vibrator and she has awesome orgasms, but she seems to forget how great they are in her normal daily routine.

I agree, she IS in love with the lifestyle, not with her husband. I am pretty much considering other drastic measures like asking her to leave. I just am having a hard time though in regards to the girls because I can't imagine being without them.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

rickinsv said:


> We have already went to counseling but it worked for about a month, then same old crap.
> 
> I HAVE bought her a vibrator and she has awesome orgasms, but she seems to forget how great they are in her normal daily routine.
> 
> I agree, she IS in love with the lifestyle, not with her husband. I am pretty much considering other drastic measures like asking her to leave. I just am having a hard time though in regards to the girls because I can't imagine being without them.


Sometimes they are not "in love" with their spouse, male or female. They "love" them, and "love" the support and security.

Outside of throwing her out, perhaps you could love yourself more and she could get drawn in somehow. 

I don't know, you just hope in these situations where it's not blatent cheating that there is some hope in the matter.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm throwing another idea out there that I haven't seen addressed. I don't think there's as many LD women as men think. They're LD with their current partner, for any number of reasons. Whether it's staying in mom mode, things got boring, they or partner let themselves go, who knows? The end result is the same: she doesn't want sex with YOU. If she can orgasm with a vibrator she has a sex drive, and if another man came around she'd be interested. She's made clear that she doesn't like sex with you, this is not a LD situation. Maybe she sees you as part of the boring family structure, maybe you're not exciting because you're available, maybe you don't do anything for her sexually. None of this is your fault of course, it's just a possible explanation. I'm not sure what to suggest beyond hitting the gym, being slightly less available to her, and taking charge more. Maybe the men here can offer more suggestions. For me, the thing that makes me interested in my hb is that he's got a hot body, takes charge of things and has my back, and is an aggressive but giving lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not much to do unless you have "the talk"...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In terms of loving the lifestyle, in a decade or so the landscaping will not be paying for the girls' college... So yet another reason for clearing things now. I'm in a similar situation except my wife prefers 12-16 hour workdays...


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm throwing another idea out there that I haven't seen addressed. I don't think there's as many LD women as men think. They're LD with their current partner, for any number of reasons. Whether it's staying in mom mode, things got boring, they or partner let themselves go, who knows? The end result is the same: she doesn't want sex with YOU. If she can orgasm with a vibrator she has a sex drive, and if another man came around she'd be interested. She's made clear that she doesn't like sex with you, this is not a LD situation. Maybe she sees you as part of the boring family structure, maybe you're not exciting because you're available, maybe you don't do anything for her sexually. None of this is your fault of course, it's just a possible explanation. I'm not sure what to suggest beyond hitting the gym, being slightly less available to her, and taking charge more. Maybe the men here can offer more suggestions. For me, the thing that makes me interested in my hb is that he's got a hot body, takes charge of things and has my back, and is an aggressive but giving lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So here is the deal, I go to the gym, about 3 times per week, along with other outdoor activities. I am in pretty good shape, in fact, at close to 50 I am in better shape then most 25 year olds. My physical abilities are in the higher bracket for any age. Yes, I could drop 8-10 pounds, but not more than that. More like about 8 max and I would be at my ideal weight. I am 6'2, about 212 with a muscular build so I can't drop more than that without looking like I am sick. If you are telling me that unless I drop those 8 pounds, I better forget sex, than I am not the problem. Seriously. 

I have her back, I take care of her and I am all of the above that you describe your husband to be. I just think that she does not want to have sex with ME, you are right. I think I have come to that conclusion.

FYI: I consider myself a good lover. I have stamina, know the right buttons to push, etc. Again, I think she is just not into me and hence why I am here to discuss and share along with hopefully getting some advice with substance.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

What you have here are three problems:

1)The lack of sex, which is a symptom of:

2) She does not care about you enough to consider your needs to consider them equal to her own. That is why she has no problem denying you sex and yet haranguing you to spend all your time enhancing her life somehow (working, completing projects to perfection, household chores).

3) She does not think you will impose any consequences for her behavior or set a limit against how much you will do for her. She knows you are still desireable, even to young women, and does not seem bothered in the least. That means she thinks she has you in pocket, or simply does not care what you do.

What you need to do is:

1) Don't add her to the title of your home. It's been said here she needs to feel safe having sex with you and unsafe not having sex with you. You seem to have the first part covered. Given her behavior, doing so would increase her security and further embolden her to treat you this way.

Besides, why would you give hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone who doesn't really care about you? She's done nothing to contribution to the home's acquisition. Yes, she watches the kids when they're not in school, but doing so out of the home is pretty easy and you paying all the bills more than makes up for it.

2) Stop doing so much for her and around the home and providing so much for her. She doesn't appreciate it, and she's insatiable. Her having to pull some weight around the home might make her see how good she really has it. 

3) Be more involved with the kids. If this comes down to a divorce, you definitely want to be able to say "I am just as much a presence in their daily lives as their mother and I deserve 50% custody". You deserve that much time based on how much you do for them, and you don't want your wife thinking she has you by the balls because she will get a large support payment if you split up.

4) Pressure her to get a job. Again, this would go towards being a reality check and seeing how ordinary people live. And, there will be more funds for you to do your thing. And, if she does leave then she will have a job and that minimizes your burden.

I see that she is late-30s and you've been in the picture for eight years. So, she was an adult for 10 years or so before getting with you. What did she do during that time?

5) Refuse to take her insults. She nags you to clean the house or do another project, simply say that clearly do the largest share of keeping the home nice and are choosing to reallocate your effort, then disengage. If she keeps on you, suggest she's always welcome to get and maintain her own place.

6) See a lawyer about your obligations to her if you guys do split up. I see you are not married too long. It's possible your obligation to her might be minimal now, but might be significantly longer if you remain together.

I don't mean to sound fatalistic, but I don't see this ending well. That she pounds on you to do more, give more, and then blatantly state your needs aren't important to her are a huge red flag. She doesn't have sexual hangups or performance issues - she simply does not want to bother. A good wife would consider your needs equal to hers and provide for them commensurately, especially considering what you provide.

By the way, what do you think happens if you lose your job, take a pay cut, or get hurt/sick and can no longer work?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

rickinsv said:


> We have already went to counseling but it worked for about a month, then same old crap.
> 
> I HAVE bought her a vibrator and she has awesome orgasms, but she seems to forget how great they are in her normal daily routine.
> 
> I agree, she IS in love with the lifestyle, not with her husband. I am pretty much considering other drastic measures like asking her to leave. I just am having a hard time though in regards to the girls because I can't imagine being without them.


You don't have to be without them all the time. If you are an involved parent you can get 50% custody. And, despite the misinformation out there, she is not legally entitled to live in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. You will owe some support until the kids are 18 or out of high school, and you will owe her some spousal support (though, based on the length of the marriage, it probably will be for a few years only).

She will have to get a job and work like hell to support herself and your kids. You won't have them at home as much, but you might find that you are a better, more attentive parent overall since you can focus on them and aren't investing energy in your wife.

Check with a lawyer and see what you are told.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

rickinsv said:


> So here is the deal, I go to the gym, about 3 times per week, along with other outdoor activities. I am in pretty good shape, in fact, at close to 50 I am in better shape then most 25 year olds. My physical abilities are in the higher bracket for any age. Yes, I could drop 8-10 pounds, but not more than that. More like about 8 max and I would be at my ideal weight. I am 6'2, about 212 with a muscular build so I can't drop more than that without looking like I am sick. If you are telling me that unless I drop those 8 pounds, I better forget sex, than I am not the problem. Seriously.
> 
> I have her back, I take care of her and I am all of the above that you describe your husband to be. I just think that she does not want to have sex with ME, you are right. I think I have come to that conclusion.
> 
> FYI: I consider myself a good lover. I have stamina, know the right buttons to push, etc. Again, I think she is just not into me and hence why I am here to discuss and share along with hopefully getting some advice with substance.



I'm not suggesting you need to drop anything (after your update I'm sure you look great  , I'm not sure it's even about you, though the extra info was helpful. I can only speak for myself of course, so I can't tell you exactly what's going on with your wife, I was just throwing our possibilities. And don't sweat 50, my hb is almost 58 (I'm 39) and he's hot. I'll be interested to see what advice everyone else has, I just wouldn't view this as a LD situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Need to change the title...

My wife says sex *WITH ME* is NOT important *nor DESIRABLE* to her *at all.*

Now... what are you gonna do about that?

She fell out of love with you and does not feel sexual towards you... she may have not given you the speech yet (do mostly to self protection) but sex with you is seen as a chore and she is repulsed by it. She has YEARS of resentment towards you and the act itself with you. She probably loves being married and sees you as a fantastic guy who deserves better BUT she is not the one to be sexual with you because she does not FEEL that way towards you anymore and possibly until she dies. Perhaps she NEVER felt overly sexual towards you (Even in the GOOD YEARS) BUT you were her best option due to your financial status.

Is that acceptable?

If it isn't then you need to clearly state your position. Work the problem from both ends, set a timeline, continue to communicate and hold her accountable. What if the tables were reversed?

Be prepared for a long drawn out process, with no guarantees of success.

Decide what it is YOU will accept and make it happen, over time.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. We are now married.
> 
> The problem we have is that she says sex is not important to her, that she could take it or leave it. And it shows.
> 
> ...


Yikes. She considers desiring sex with your spouse is a mental aberration or a sickness?

There's one problem, right there...

She is the one who needs to be checked by the doctor.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm throwing another idea out there that I haven't seen addressed. I don't think there's as many LD women as men think. They're LD with their current partner, for any number of reasons. Whether it's staying in mom mode, things got boring, they or partner let themselves go, who knows? The end result is the same: she doesn't want sex with YOU. If she can orgasm with a vibrator she has a sex drive, and if another man came around she'd be interested. She's made clear that she doesn't like sex with you, this is not a LD situation. Maybe she sees you as part of the boring family structure, maybe you're not exciting because you're available, maybe you don't do anything for her sexually. None of this is your fault of course, it's just a possible explanation. I'm not sure what to suggest beyond hitting the gym, being slightly less available to her, and taking charge more. Maybe the men here can offer more suggestions. For me, the thing that makes me interested in my hb is that he's got a hot body, takes charge of things and has my back, and is an aggressive but giving lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful not to imply there is a problem with OP. I am sure that there are many women who WOULD find OP attractive and enjoy having sex with him. There are models out there (female and male) who have partners who are tired of looking at them. This very well may be a problem that she has within herself.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Be careful not to imply there is a problem with OP. I am sure that there are many women who WOULD find OP attractive and enjoy having sex with him. There are models out there (female and male) who have partners who are tired of looking at them. This very well may be a problem that she has within herself.



I didn't, if you read the whole post and my response to his response. People fall out of love and lose interest in sex all the time and there are always reasons for it, whether justified our not. Regardless, no matter how unappealing one might be to their partner there are always others that would be interested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I didn't, if you read the whole post and my response to his response. People fall out of love and lose interest in sex all the time and there are always reasons for it, whether justified our not. Regardless, no matter how unappealing one might be to their partner there are always others that would be interested.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand but you started off with the premise that she likely isn't LD, making a point that she would likely want to have sex with other men, just not him. You then proceeded to give him tips on how he could change that might fix it. You then followed it up by saying the reason you are attracted to your husband is because he's hot and takes charge.

I did read your responses thoroughly before posting and because I looked closely enough, I understood what you were saying ... but what I'm saying is that your overall message could be construed as implying that there is something wrong with him.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> I understand but you started off with the premise that she likely isn't LD, making a point that she would likely want to have sex with other men, just not him. You then proceeded to give him tips on how he could change that might fix it. You then followed it up by saying the reason you are attracted to your husband is because he's hot and takes charge.
> 
> I did read your responses thoroughly before posting and because I looked closely enough, I understood what you were saying ... but what I'm saying is that your overall message could be construed as implying that there is something wrong with him.



I offered thoughts based on my own experience and then said I couldn't guess what's going on with his wife. I then offered possible explanations, any of which could be true and none of which would be his fault. I still think she's not LD and she has an issue with him. Doesn't mean he's not desirable, these things happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some women change after they have children. Their husband becomes less important (or not important at all). Their energy is channeled into being a mom. That's their focus -- not sex with their husband (or even a connection with their husband). 

When everything else has been tried, and nothing works, some of them wake up when they are served divorce papers. I can understand you don't want to do that. But neither do you want to continue your life the way it is.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I offered thoughts based on my own experience and then said I couldn't guess what's going on with his wife. I then offered possible explanations, any of which could be true and none of which would be his fault. I still think she's not LD and she has an issue with him. Doesn't mean he's not desirable, these things happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it far more likely that even if she finds issue with him, the real issue is within herself. His only real option to fixing it is to continue having honest conversations with her about how this affects him and their marriage and try to help her look inside herself to find out why. The focus shouldn't be on sex itself but on intimacy. I would also suggest marriage counseling. So far, she appears to be placing blame ... she has a strong unhealthy internal "judge" influencing her.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

I think that the writing is on the wall. When you have to beg and fight about sex, then go to counseling only for it to become a waste of time and money, and effort, I just don't know what we are doing.

I am close to walking away from the relationship. Even if I end up by myself, I am ok with that. That's how much I now resent her. Terrible to say, but I am just being honest.

At some point, doesn't it defeat the purpose to work on some things that should come naturally? I have had a lot of relationships that lasted years and the sex was crazy good. Never in my wildest dreams, or nightmares, did I ever think I would end up with someone who pretty much shuts off sex like this. 

Sex doesn't rule me, or my mind, but it is a large element of a healthy relationship. The other part, like being ungrateful, complaining, etc just gets blown up more because I am already on edge.

By the way, we have only been married for a year. Before we got married she said she felt insecure and that once we got married, the sex would be better as she would be more happy and secure.

What an idiot I am.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm throwing another idea out there that I haven't seen addressed. I don't think there's as many LD women as men think. They're LD with their current partner, for any number of reasons. Whether it's staying in mom mode, things got boring, they or partner let themselves go, who knows? The end result is the same: she doesn't want sex with YOU. If she can orgasm with a vibrator she has a sex drive, and if another man came around she'd be interested. She's made clear that she doesn't like sex with you, this is not a LD situation. Maybe she sees you as part of the boring family structure, maybe you're not exciting because you're available, maybe you don't do anything for her sexually. None of this is your fault of course, it's just a possible explanation. I'm not sure what to suggest beyond hitting the gym, being slightly less available to her, and taking charge more. Maybe the men here can offer more suggestions. For me, the thing that makes me interested in my hb is that he's got a hot body, takes charge of things and has my back, and is an aggressive but giving lover.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Please forgive me for saying this but I did find your post to be somewhat ignorant and comical. In so many ways. Almost as if you were just saying things for the purpose of entertainment.

Please don't be offended, it's how it came off.

You love your husband cuz he has a hot body? So when that changes with age, you are out looking for something else? It just seemed like a shallow comment and opinion. I am sure it's not what you meant, just how it came off.

And no, I am not sweating turning 50, I love it actually.


----------



## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If her comment seems comical to you, I have to acknowledge that yours seems equally so.
You seem uncomfortable with the idea that an attractive body is more sexually appealing than an unattractive body.

She didn't. Say she loved her husband because he has a hot bod, she said she's sexually interested in him because of his nice body, aggressivenes and masculinity.
Most women would agree that those are sexually attractive traits in a man.



rickinsv said:


> Please forgive me for saying this but I did find your post to be somewhat ignorant and comical. In so many ways. Almost as if you were just saying things for the purpose of entertainment.
> 
> Please don't be offended, it's how it came off.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Lifeistooshort ....I would have agreed with you up to the point where he said they have been married for only a year and it sounds like the sex wasn't very good prior either. By the way I think "aging" men can be damn sexy.....mine just walked by and he doesn't have to look like he is 25. Those gray high lights, his big gentle hands and his soft blue eyes melt my heart every time. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Hard to accurately assess the situation because I only have one side to go on. Have you ever tried the love languages test? My friend was in a 5yr rel and she also told me at one point that she didn't like sex with her partner. They had no real intimacy or trust. 
He was also an inattentive lover in her eyes, even though he didn't consider himself to be so. That friend is now in another rel for 3yrs and loves sex and says it's fantastic. 

If she says she needs to feel more loved to want sex, then maybe you should try to work off that. Things you do to show your love may not communicate the same message to her.

Or, it could be that her LD is truly an issue within herself. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do. Only she can work on that. But if you want to preserve the family and life you have now, it may be worth trying to figure out the real reasons why she told her friend she doesn't like sex with you. And figure out if there's anything you can do to show your love in a way she understands and connects with.


----------



## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> I think that the writing is on the wall. When you have to beg and fight about sex, then go to counseling only for it to become a waste of time and money, and effort, I just don't know what we are doing.
> 
> I am close to walking away from the relationship. Even if I end up by myself, I am ok with that. That's how much I now resent her. Terrible to say, but I am just being honest.
> 
> ...



One year means very little or no alimony. See a lawyer and find out what divorce may look like in your case.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

This may be way off base. When you got married did you feel like the luckiest man alive? 

Remember how that felt? What do you do differently than you do now? 

Get back to treating her like you are the luckiest man alive. Appreciate all she does for you and your family. Tell her and show her. Love does not get caught up in selfish needs but only the needs of others. How can you treat her as she deserves to be treated? Do so unselfishly. Do not give to get. Just give, as that is the path of a loving man toward his wife.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CanadianGuy said:


> This may be way off base. When you got married did you feel like the luckiest man alive?
> 
> Remember how that felt? What do you do differently than you do now?
> 
> Get back to treating her like you are the luckiest man alive. Appreciate all she does for you and your family. Tell her and show her. Love does not get caught up in selfish needs but only the needs of others. How can you treat her as she deserves to be treated? Do so unselfishly. Do not give to get. Just give, as that is the path of a loving man toward his wife.


This golden rule works with the right people, but with the wrong people, the better you treat them, the more like dirt you get treated.

There was also the blunting of "spark", when a husband is too accomidating or available. It just seems this is a normal thing that happens.

I agree with Athol Kay's Alpha and Beta balancing act. You can't be all Alpha and you cant be all Beta, it has to be balanced.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

treyvion said:


> This golden rule works with the right people, but with the wrong people, the better you treat them, the more like dirt you get treated.
> 
> There was also the blunting of "spark", when a husband is too accomidating or available. It just seems this is a normal thing that happens.
> 
> I agree with Athol Kay's Alpha and Beta balancing act. You can't be all Alpha and you cant be all Beta, it has to be balanced.


Perhaps I should have added- "without being a doormat". But when you act from a place of strength of giving rather than receiving you will not be. It is leading with your heart rather than following it that is key.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

wtf2012 said:


> One year means very little or no alimony. See a lawyer and find out what divorce may look like in your case.


:smthumbup::iagree: Run, don't walk!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CanadianGuy said:


> Perhaps I should have added- "without being a doormat". But when you act from a place of strength of giving rather than receiving you will not be. It is leading with your heart rather than following it that is key.


It depends on the group. There are degree's of goodness and badness in us all. There are some wicked groups and people out there who will take advantage of you, till you are broke on the street, and then come stab you because you got no more money or time.

But yes, all of us are adults and should be intelligent enough and versed enough in the world to associate with people who are generally good for us.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

All excellent posts, all of them. Even the ones I may not agree with because everyone has a right to their opinion. Right?

The funny thing is, and I have talked to her about this, but the nicer I treat her and the more things I do for her, the more of a jerk she is.

Then I go opposite, and same result.

If I say nothing and stay the course, nothing, no sex.

I have never been a doormat, probably a little more of a bad boy then a sweet guy, although I consider myself a caring and good guy.

I really think the sex issue and whatever resentment she harbors is within her. I don't think there is anything I can do to change it.

At the end of the day, she does not desire me. Who cares how much attention I get from others, it's my wife that I would have preferrerd to get attention. But as cold as it seems, it is what it is. Once you lose that interest in someone it is nearly impossible to get back.

I got married last year thinking she would change as she said she would, and for our girls. Yes, I am an idiot.

Agreed on talking to a good attorney, will do that in the next week or so.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

aribabe said:


> If her comment seems comical to you, I have to acknowledge that yours seems equally so.
> You seem uncomfortable with the idea that an attractive body is more sexually appealing than an unattractive body.
> 
> She didn't. Say she loved her husband because he has a hot bod, she said she's sexually interested in him because of his nice body, aggressivenes and masculinity.
> ...


Not at all, physical attraction is very important, very important. You may have misunderstood my post like I may have misunderstood her post. It's neither here nor there. 

That's the beauty of this place, everyone has a right to their opinion.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Was she ever attracted to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Rick, no one knows your situation better than you do. If you feel that you've done all you can do and nothing has changed, then why stick around and feel frustrated and resentful? Life's too short.

I only replied the way I did before because I didn't realize you had already determined it was something within her. Bottom line, if that's the case, she will need to work on herself and no amount of love will fix it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Always easy for folks to stay focused on the bedroom.

How does she treat and feel about you outside of the arena of sex?

Are you her partner whom she shares her life with, or are you the annoying room-mate and ATM that's just another body that wants things from her at the end of the day and she resents it?

Don't think I need to color in the lines, I'm sure you get my meaning.

My point being these things usually are pervasive throughout the relationship.

I'd suggest your last ditch, unless your mind is made up to leave, would be to de-stabilize.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Always easy for folks to stay focused on the bedroom.
> 
> How does she treat and feel about you outside of the arena of sex?
> 
> ...


You described that one situation that develops out of this position extremely well. 

"de-stabilize", as in removing some of his support, kindness and creature comforts - to allow ( shes basically a cake eater ) her to see more clearly?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sex isn't about sex. There is something else that she is not feeling secure about. Don't talk about sex talk about whatever else is bothering her. Sex is bothering you, not her. 

Find out but do not be manipulated into believing that if you do it you will get sex. The issue is deeper than that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> We have sex once a week or every two weeks.


*That* many times?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *That* many times?


The poster has sex one to two times a week and he's concerned she doesn't love him enough, but loves the lifestyle... I don't recall him getting treated like dirt.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

treyvion said:


> You described that one situation that develops out of this position extremely well.
> 
> "de-stabilize", as in removing some of his support, kindness and creature comforts - to allow ( shes basically a cake eater ) her to see more clearly?


Destabilizing sets the playing field for you to clearly see whether you have a potential partner, or a blatant adversary. So ... in effect, yes.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Destabilizing sets the playing field for you to clearly see whether you have a potential partner, or a blatant adversary. So ... in effect, yes.


So "level" it out, like you would for a guy friend who you looked up and was taking too much of your friendship and assistance but was nearly always ghost when you needed him?


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Sex isn't about sex. There is something else that she is not feeling secure about. Don't talk about sex talk about whatever else is bothering her. Sex is bothering you, not her.


My take is that she is using sex as a bargaining chip. It is a maneuver to get something out of him that she wants.

She already promised him better sex after they married. That was a year ago. I don't believe that, after seven years, she really thought marriage would spontaneously change her . The possibilities are she simply is not attracted to him, or she is not bothered by sex but is just riding this as far as it will take her.

I think she is going to make a real run at ownership of his assets. First, she's already expressed concern that, although married, she was not on the title to his house and car. 

Second, she is in a tenuous position. She knows she won't get much spousal support. If he got a good custody agreement, she'd probably get a chunk on child support - but not nearly enough to live. So, she'd have to get a job and just get by - a very ordinary life.

That doesn't sound appealing to her (and, to be honest, not to me either). But if he granted her 50% of everything, the rest of her life gets much easier. That sounds cynical, but realistic at the same time.


----------



## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

CanadianGuy said:


> Perhaps I should have added- "without being a doormat". But when you act from a place of strength of giving rather than receiving you will not be. It is leading with your heart rather than following it that is key.


This protocol is exactly how H and I do eeeet!! Hells yeah
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DTO said:


> My take is that she is using sex as a bargaining chip. It is a maneuver to get something out of him that she wants.
> 
> She already promised him better sex after they married. That was a year ago. I don't believe that, after seven years, she really thought marriage would spontaneously change her . The possibilities are she simply is not attracted to him, or she is not bothered by sex but is just riding this as far as it will take her.
> 
> ...


She coulda been attracted to him, but the sex and affection was always a leverage and bargaining power. I don't think you can go back once you start it up.


----------



## rickinsv (Jun 22, 2013)

The spousal support would be minimal. My home is one that I bought before marrying her and under California law, it remains mine.

Funny thing, but whenever we talk about when we met, she always says the first thing she thought was "who is that old guy looking at me?" she was 31 and I was 40 at the time. At the time, I was pulling in tail like nobody's business. I know, I am going to get a lot of flack for that comment. I was dating a lot of beautiful women and I think that intrigued her. But after all the dust settled, at the end of the day she was probably never attracted to me, for whatever reason. I think she was intrigued, but not attracted. She came from a very humble background and when we started dating she was a little overwhelmed.

But whatever, people's values have nothing to do with money, it has to do with the type of person they are.

I'll tell you one thing I am sure of, if there was some attractive younger guy who had wealth and security to offer her, she would be gone so fast that the hinges would come off the door! LOL!

I laugh because it is what I truly think and I have accepted it. She knows I have an issue with a sexless relationship but she won't budge and she just won't give in.

And you know what? That's cool, it's her right. It's also my right to say it is not working for me and it's time to move on.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

DTO said:


> She does not care about you enough to consider your needs to consider them equal to her own. That is why she has no problem denying you sex and yet haranguing you to spend all your time enhancing her life somehow (working, completing projects to perfection, household chores).
> 
> She does not think you will impose any consequences for her behavior or set a limit against how much you will do for her. She knows you are still desireable, even to young women, and does not seem bothered in the least. That means she thinks she has you in pocket, or simply does not care what you do.


Bingo!

I honestly believe that there are a lot of women who don't understand the importance of sex to their husbands. Most surveys I have seen, show it as the number one marital need for men.

If she doesn't understand that, make sure she does. Ask her to work with you on a solution. Give her one last opportunity. Don't walk away wondering if you didn't make yourself clear. Make sure she knows what the consequences are if she doesn't try. And this shouldn't be confrontational, just sincere. Tell her you love her, but can't live like this anymore.

If she does understand but doesn't care, then she's obviously not wife material. You haven't been married long and you're in a good position to move on without her. Don't make the mistake of cheating on her. Just get a D and find someone else who understands the importance of meeting needs in a marriage.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

In this situation, this PERSON got what they wanted and needed from you. The way the look at the picture is as long as they get what they want and need, then everything is fine.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So why did you have a bunch of kids and stay together for 7 years without being married? Just curious. Most women don't have mulitple babies with a man who isn't committed to her.

.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stop giving her money. Seriously, I wouldn't give her another penny until she starts meeting your needs. (maybe give her a gas card if she needs to drive your kids around, but no spending money)
Stop any and all supplicating behaviour. Something wasn't done the way she likes it- tell her to do it herself. Better yet, unless it's something that _you_ want done, don't do it in the first place.
Stop doing the dishes. 

Start squirreling away cash in case she leaves you.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> So why did you have a bunch of kids and stay together for 7 years without being married? Just curious. Most women don't have mulitple babies with a man who isn't committed to her.


Yet another reason I think she's trying to rope him in. Another issue is that she may feel she is entitled to a good life for having been the mother to his kids and having waited this long for marriage.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

DTO said:


> Yet another reason I think she's trying to rope him in. Another issue is that she may feel she is entitled to a good life for having been the mother to his kids and having waited this long for marriage.


Well, isn't she entitled to a good life after birthing and caring for his progeny? It's a sacrifice for women too. Being a SAHM is not all about privileges. Many women give up their careers so they can care for children. I'm just as educated as my husband, but I've basically given up my career and supported him as he's literally climbed the career ladder and doubled his salary. 

My point is that it goes both ways. He's entitled to a fulfilling sex life. And she is entitled to a good life.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Stop giving her money. Seriously, I wouldn't give her another penny until she starts meeting your needs. (maybe give her a gas card if she needs to drive your kids around, but no spending money)
> Stop any and all supplicating behaviour. Something wasn't done the way she likes it- tell her to do it herself. Better yet, unless it's something that _you_ want done, don't do it in the first place.
> Stop doing the dishes.
> 
> Start squirreling away cash in case she leaves you.


Oh. my. goodness. That will get him more sex for sure. Maybe she should just stop taking care of the kids and the house. Stop all childcare. Stop cooking any food. Tit for tat.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> T
> 
> I'll tell you one thing I am sure of, if there was some attractive younger guy who had wealth and security to offer her, she would be gone so fast that the hinges would come off the door! LOL!
> 
> ...


That's sad. Is you wife a truly vindictive, cruel person? Does she want to make you suffer emotionally? 

There has to be a reason she is denying sex, even if she truly doesn't physically desire it. IMO, you will still have sex with a spouse that you care about, even if you don't feel a strong desire for it physically.

Are YOU meeting her deepest needs? What are her needs? I think so many people jump to conclusion that their spouse is so uncaring, calculating, and cold because they deny their partner sex. I don't think most people are truly that evil and uncaring. I do, however, think there is a deep festering resentment that causes one spouse to shut down sexually. It does not happen for no reason. There are always two sides to every story.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO, problems generally start outside of the bedroom first. That's what needs to be looked into. Try to not put so much focus on the lack of physical part, it likely started in the emotional department first.


----------



## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Sometimes... many times we marry someone who is just not marriage material. 

You've got kids. So might as well stay and suffer. Or stay married and get a mistress. 

I would never have children with a woman with low libido. Recipe for pain. You must be willing to meet most of her needs. If you already do, kick her out immediately and file for legal separation. No change of heart. Bye bye.


----------



## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

It sounds to me like she doesn't really respect you all that much. Sure sign of this is telling friends that she doesn't like having sex with you. That is clearly disrespectful and I think it says a lot about how she sees you. PLus she is always hyper-critical, etc. She sounds like a nag, quite frankly, like she is mothering you and you are a child who keeps disappointing her.



> Here is the deal, when we met our sex was awesome. All the time. She loved giving and receiving oral sex.
> 
> Now she considers sex a chore and get's extremely irritable when I talk about it and want to initiate it, as if she is disgusted with me


Yeah now what does this tell you? Seems obvious to me that your wife is NOT LD. If she was she wouldn't have loved it in the beginning. She is simply bored of you. She no longer finds you sexually attractive to her, hence sex with you becomes a chore.

In a case like this I don't think talking about it with her will work. You can't talk someone into wanting to have sex with you. In a way it comes across as needy which makes her respect you even less.

Focus on yourself. Let her know that there are plenty of other women who would love to trade places with her. Start flirting with other women in front of her. Make her jealous. She needs to know you have options.

In the end if she won't change I think you need to focus on yourself and not just the kids. An unhappy marriage is not a great situation for kids anyway. As sad as it would be, I have heard so many stories from people in similar situations to you, who say getting divorced was the best thing they ever did. They still have good relationships with their kids, and they have women in their lives who respect them and love having sex with them.

I am not advocating giving up I am just saying if you rule out divorce because of the kids, and your wife won't change because she knows you won't leave, you are setting yourself up for years of unhappiness.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> That's sad. Is you wife a truly vindictive, cruel person? Does she want to make you suffer emotionally?
> 
> There has to be a reason she is denying sex, even if she truly doesn't physically desire it. IMO, you will still have sex with a spouse that you care about, even if you don't feel a strong desire for it physically.
> 
> Are YOU meeting her deepest needs? What are her needs? I think so many people jump to conclusion that their spouse is so uncaring, calculating, and cold because they deny their partner sex. I don't think most people are truly that evil and uncaring. I do, however, think there is a deep festering resentment that causes one spouse to shut down sexually. It does not happen for no reason. There are always two sides to every story.


Posters can only offer advice with the information given. We have to assume it's truthful unless we have a good reason to believe it's not. In this case, I don't see that reason.

That said, OP describes he has tried to meet his wife's needs. That's not working. She continues to not meet his. 

She needs a final wake-up call. If she doesn't respond, OP by all rights has a good reason to seek a more fulfilling life.


----------



## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I would say sex is just a symptom of the large issue that she doesn't respect you at all. She feels just fine airing your dirty laundry to her friends where they can gang up and laugh at your arguments and make a mockery of you. You are a joke to her at this point, not someone to be taken seriously, either in or out of the bedroom. 

The title of this thread is Sex is NOT important to her, but really it is that YOU are not important to her.

Time to jump off this airplane and pull the parachute cord and be done with the nonsense. You've wasted enough of your life.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Posters can only offer advice with the information given. We have to assume it's truthful unless we have a good reason to believe it's not. In this case, I don't see that reason.
> 
> That said, OP describes he has tried to meet his wife's needs. That's not working. She continues to not meet his.
> 
> She needs a final wake-up call. If she doesn't respond, OP by all rights has a good reason to seek a more fulfilling life.


You don't think the OP's strong need/desire for sex could possibly be clouding other issues that are in the marriage? It is difficult to have good sex with someone (at least for an ongoing period of time) when there are other issues present. I'm not saying the OP's wife is not to blame here. Clearly she is. However, I do think it would be wise of the OP to step back from the sex-issue for a while to truly evaluate where he stands with his wife. I'm not saying forever, and that sex is not important. Sex IS important. 

However, the divorce rate is at 50% in this country for a reason. It's always the other person's fault. My husband and I would have been divorced a LONG time ago if we always concentrated on how the other person wasn't meeting needs. I truly believe couples can work through most issues. Right now I have an almost non-existent sex drive. However, I still WANT to have sex with my husband because HE makes me happy and I want to see him fulfilled.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> The reason why I bring it up is because I think she is in love with our home, with our area, our lifestyle, and not with me.
> 
> Any thoughts on the matter?


Well there it is in a nutshell. She loves the life, not you. Time to tell the princess the fairy tale is over. You are a Beta male provider in her eyes, not an Alpha male lover. Her open disrespect of you to other people in INEXCUSABLE ! 

Clamp down now hard or be miserable for the rest of your life.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> Well, isn't she entitled to a good life after birthing and caring for his progeny? It's a sacrifice for women too. Being a SAHM is not all about privileges. Many women give up their careers so they can care for children. I'm just as educated as my husband, but I've basically given up my career and supported him as he's literally climbed the career ladder and doubled his salary.
> 
> My point is that it goes both ways. He's entitled to a fulfilling sex life. And she is entitled to a good life.


In the abstract, I agree she's entitled to a good life. But the issue here is that she has a GREAT material life. The guy makes really good money and does much around the home. It seems she wants to go beyond a good life; she wants to slide right in and be king of the hill (so to speak), where her wants and needs are the predominant factor in the relationship.

Then, she goes out of her way to find fault with the stuff he does. Nothing is ever fault-free, and this behavior is setting him up for failure.

Finally, the issue here is that, in the current situation, she does not deserve the good life. As you said, it goes both ways. Since she has low standards for her sexual performance, she should have equally low standards for his performance in other areas.

Hell, if she doesn't like him enough to have sex with him, I can't imagine how she feels comfortable asking for so much of him anyways. Sounds antisocial (that she expects to get more out of a given relationship than she is putting in).


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> Oh. my. goodness. That will get him more sex for sure. Maybe she should just stop taking care of the kids and the house. Stop all childcare. Stop cooking any food. Tit for tat.


Wow! Where did all that come from? The poster suggested that he stop providing for his wife, not that he stop providing for his children. As in, he continue to pay for the home (it's 100% his anyways), food, utilities, etc. but simply not provide for his wife's personal needs.

The issue is, each of them is wearing two hats at the same time. He is a husband to her and a father to the children. She likewise is a wife to him and a mother to the children. Her status as a mother does not entitle her to willfully ignore her role as his wife (which is exactly what she's doing).

So, it is possible that she is a good mother and a bad wife at the same time. Given that she's doing it intentionally, there's no good reason he should continue to be a good husband. 

Moreover, this is not vengeance. This is demonstrating the impact of her poor behavior towards him and hopefully developing some empathy out of that realization. The unfortunate truth is that, for many people, meteing out poor treatment then receiving good treatment in return only causes them to continue to treat those other people poorly. 

Clearly, him continuing to treat her well has not had the desired impact. And that is not at all surprising. When a child throws a tantrum at a store and his parents placate him with a toy, he has just learned that he can be a little turd and bully his way into getting what he wants. That's all the OP's wife is doing.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

DTO said:


> Wow! Where did all that come from? The poster suggested that he stop providing for his wife, not that he stop providing for his children. As in, he continue to pay for the home (it's 100% his anyways), food, utilities, etc. but simply not provide for his wife's personal needs.
> 
> The issue is, each of them is wearing two hats at the same time. He is a husband to her and a father to the children. She likewise is a wife to him and a mother to the children. Her status as a mother does not entitle her to willfully ignore her role as his wife (which is exactly what she's doing).
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying. Maybe I'm misreading the post. But it sounded like the advice given was to take all financial control away from the wife (give her a gas card). I guess what makes me so irate about the post is the assumption that it is "his" money because he goes out and works and makes it. They are married. It is _their_ money. He doesn't get to dictate whether or not she has access to the checking account. I agree that he should stop (if he is) going out and buying her stuff. However, if she decides she's going to go get her hair done, it's not up to him to say "no. You can't do that. You are no longer on the bank account." Not only is that WAY too controlling, I don't see how that would lead to more sex anyway. 

I want to make it clear that I'm not justifying her behavior in witholding sex. I agree that she is not being a good wife (whether or not she is being a good mother). However, I do not agree that the solution is to take control of all finances and blackmail the wife to become sexual. Even if that worked, it would be far from sincere. Yuck.

Honestly, I believe it would be better to divorce than resort to such tactics. If she is truly so evil that she just wants to hurt him and cause him such pain, then there is really not much hope to have a happy marriage.

I just have trouble believing that the state of the marriage is ALL her fault. He knew this woman for YEARS before he got married. And apparently this woman was stringing him along the whole time so she could hook him and live the good life off of his money? If that is truly the case, he should have had some indication of her intentions during all those years of dating (and her birthing his children).

Good sex in marriage is the fruit of a good relationship. Like I've said before, there is usually a whole lotta resentment festering for a partner to completely with hold (even if they are not in the mood so much physically). If there is not anger/resentment and you have a good relationship with your husband/wife, the sex can still be good even if one partner is LD. My marriage is evidence of this. 

If you want your marriage to work, look for a solution to HEAL your relationship.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

rickinsv said:


> Funny thing, but whenever we talk about when we met, she always says the first thing she thought was "who is that old guy looking at me?" she was 31 and I was 40 at the time. At the time,* I was pulling in tail like nobody's business.* I know, I am going to get a lot of flack for that comment. I was dating a lot of beautiful women and I think that intrigued her. But after all the dust settled, at the end of the day she was probably never attracted to me, for whatever reason. I think she was intrigued, but not attracted. She came from a very humble background and when we started dating she was a little overwhelmed.


Could the fact that you were "pulling in tail like nobody's business" finally caught up with her psyche?


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> And apparently this woman was stringing him along the whole time so she could hook him and live the good life off of his money? If that is truly the case, he should have had some indication of her intentions during all those years of dating (and her birthing his children).


Not necessarily. There are plenty of stories in this section of men and women who were having satisfactory sex lives before marriage or before children, then it falls off to almost nothing right after in many cases for years.

There are people out there who are more interested in marrying into a lifestyle (ie: having a marriage, a house, a kid, a family, living in the suburbs, etc) moreso than marrying the actual person they wind up with. 

I have a couple of relatives who have outright told me the only reason they married their husbands is because they wanted kids and their husbands seemed like the "safe" choice. Which in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing but when you neglect your spouse's intimacy and sexual needs while living off the lifestyle they provide for you on top of that, I'm not saying someone should be starved and left destitute but, the other spouse shouldn't be expected to keep providing the full benefits of that lifestyle. 

And I'm sorry but if he's working it's HIS money. It's not THEIR money. Granted that money should be used to provide for his children AND his wife, but she's not entitled to it herself beyond what should be the most rudimentary obligations on his part if she's not pulling any weight on her end of the marital relationship.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If your partner is from a culture or background that keeps grudges ad infinitum ad nauseaum good luck with healing....


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Jasel said:


> And I'm sorry but if he's working it's HIS money. It's not THEIR money. Granted that money should be used to provide for his children AND his wife, but she's not entitled to it herself beyond what should be the most rudimentary obligations on his part if she's not pulling any weight on her end of the marital relationship.


Wow. So if a SAHM wife doesn't give her working husband enough sex (as far as he is concerned) then it is his right to take her off the checking account and only provide the "most rudimentary obligations"? I'm no lawyer. But I'm wondering if that is even legal? 

All I can say is I'm VERY glad that this has never been my husband's attitude. I admit that in our ten years of marriage we have gone through our sexless streaks and I haven't always been the best wife. Fortunately, I've changed and started putting his needs first. Because I don't want to be a selfish person, and he really is the most awesome man ever.

But let me tell ya, it wasn't because he took me off the checking account or told me it was all "his money." I'm a capable woman too, and I would have said "fine. I'll get a job and make _my_ own money. BUT you have to take care of the kids at least 50% of the time too. AND do 50% of the laundry, grocery shopping, houe work, toilet scrubbing, doctors appointments, book keeping, cooking, school events, night-time waking with kids, etc..." I don't think we'd still be married if it ever came to that.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The lifestyle is a big issue and far bigger than sex in my view. My wife's 1% background refuses to see the need for downsizing our huge house after our younger one leaves the nest in a couple years; if nothing else she wants an even bigger house. 

To be fair she does work and works much harder than I do; we make similar money, but the lifestyle is not financially sustainable into retirement. I plan to live in a townhouse and spend the rest on college tuition for our kids and saving for post retirement, but 1% and townhouse don't generally mix. She will eventually understand but it's a lot harder to resolve and far more permanent implications wise than sex.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Right now I have an almost non-existent sex drive. However, I still WANT to have sex with my husband because HE makes me happy and I want to see him fulfilled.


Now that, is what his wife needs to understand. 

If your husband is making you happy, perhaps he is also doing things for you for the same reason.

For example, my wife would probably prefer to have sex once a week. She knows that's not enough for me. She wants me to be happy so we have sex 2 to 3 times a week.

I'm not a particularly affectionate person. The way I was raised I suppose. But I try to give her a lot none the less. That meets her needs.

I don't particularly enjoy her relatives. But we'll drive 500 miles a few times a year to go see them, because I know that makes her happy.

It's a give and take thing; and by all description, his wife either doesn't understand that or doesn't care.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

rickinsv said:


> The spousal support would be minimal. My home is one that I bought before marrying her and under California law, it remains mine.


I'm a lawyer, not a family lawyer, but this statement makes me raise my eyebrows.

Your give your location as California. That's where I live. It's a a community property state and the results aren't always what people expect.

Does your house have a mortgage? Have mortgage payments been made with your earnings during marriage? If so, then the house likely has been partially transmuted into community property. Any additions or improvements made with earnings during the marriage would also present this issue.

She's a full-time mom and you have three daughters 3-7, and you expect spousal support to be minimal? Maybe, maybe not.

It's already been said in this thread, but see a lawyer immediately and certainly before making any decisions. The law in this area is complex. You wouldn't want a big, unpleasant surprise.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I would like to be a fly on the wall on one of your wife's GNO's...I'll bet the husband bashing is so thick you could cut it with a knife....It is a prime topic of "older" married women, and even a good husband can find his wife absorbing some of that negativity from toxic friends.....

After reading hundreds of threads I have concluded that for many women sex really didn't mean much to them....It is bait to catch a mate, and it is a pleasant diversion when the hormones are flowing, but emotional attachment....Not so much...

At first I was shocked, but after reading thread after thread I have concluded that the soft, warm, sensitive, emotional creatures we take to wife do not have one tenth of the emotional attachment to sex that even the most crude and boorish man does.........

A woman can have an astonishing sex life with her partner, having orgasm after orgasm in hundreds of positions, and circumstances.....A woman can be consumed by sexual desire and crave and beg for sex, and yet her emotional attachment to what might be a long history of great sex is NILL......

Sex is the thread that binds a man to his mate, and he can be full of wonderful memories and special events he will remember his entire life, and his partners attitude would be about the same as her daily trip to the mail box....Women have no emotional attachment to SEX.....

It is only a small drop in hormone levels away from a woman becoming the wife you describe.......

Once they get to that stage, only a serious threat to the status quo will convince them that sex in the marriage should indeed be a priority.......

It is up to you to convince her that having sex with you on a very regular schedule is imperative to her maintaining the lifestyle she loves so much.......

It is your move...

good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I can only add one observation to Woodchuck's excellent post; it sounds like for some women satisfying sex is akin to a vacation, done with low frequency per year, regardless of financial means. For most men, tho, it's more of a level, constant activity like golfing or fishing or what not. Not the mind blowing experience of a trip to Paris but the more familiar 18 holes at the local course.

Could it be that emotionally women get fulfilled by other means like their kids, Lifetime Movie Network, etc?


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I would like to be a fly on the wall on one of your wife's GNO's...I'll bet the husband bashing is so thick you could cut it with a knife....It is a prime topic of "older" married women, and even a good husband can find his wife absorbing some of that negativity from toxic friends.....
> 
> After reading hundreds of threads I have concluded that for many women sex really didn't mean much to them....It is bait to catch a mate, and it is a pleasant diversion when the hormones are flowing, but emotional attachment....Not so much...
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup: Sir, very intriguing post and very logical too, a big salute for you Mr. Woodchuck.


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

My wife and I BOTH work, BOTH do all the chores, and BOTH raise our son... Our money pooled then becomes OUR money...

So the money the husband makes must be the SAHM's too while the sex for the husband is lacking because otherwise it's blackmail or whatnot? Call it what you will, but that would NEVER fly with me or any other self-respecting husband... Yes... It needs to be "healed," but you don't heal things with money and material things anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :iagree::smthumbup: Sir, very intriguing post and very logical too, a big salute for you Mr. Woodchuck.


Of course, it is generalizing, but after many of my friend's experiences and reading on here, that is how a significant many women view sex as they age in a marriage... Sad. My wife is 33, and I hope this never happens to us... If it does, it will be sure to cost her, because I'm not on this earth to tend to some female in servitude without reciprocity... Not what I was raised to be, sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> It needs to be "healed," but you don't heal things with money and material things anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 :iagree: Exactly my point. 

And I will also add that the SAHM is taking care of the working man's progeny so he can focus on his career. Someone has to raise the kids. Whether you do it, your spouse does it, or you pay a childcare provider to do it, someone has to put the time in. My point is that the SAHM _IS_ contributing to the economic stability of the home--whether she is having sex with her husband or not. 

Any self-respecting SAHM is NOT going to agree that it is all her husband's money because he is the one with the job OUTSIDE of the house. 

The sex is a separate issue. With holding sex is not right and any wife who respects herself or her husband will not do it. But I will never agree with the argument that it is HIS money and if the wife doesn't have sex with her husband he has a right to with hold it.

I would NEVER have agree to be a SAHM if that was what my husband believed. And I don't think most other women would either.


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Interlocutor said:


> Of course, it is generalizing, but after many of my friend's experiences and reading on here, that is how a significant many women view sex as they age in a marriage... Sad. My wife is 33, and I hope this never happens to us... If it does, it will be sure to cost her, because I'm not on this earth to tend to some female in servitude without reciprocity... Not what I was raised to be, sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Mr. Interlocutor, perhaps this is something to do with differences amongst generations. What was the norm for our grandfathers's generation maybe considered antiquarian in our grandchildren's generation. Maybe in your upcoming great-grandchildren's generation, even the _marriage_ itself will be considered antiquarian. 

For example, in my country it used to be very common for families to be large. These days it's one or two children only, more than that you're weirdo. My grandfather has 9 children. I, have only one, and I am considered normal. My office colleague has five, and our HR manager call him "what a weird guy". So, perceptions about family changes over time. For the better or for the worse, it's depending on personal or group preferences.


----------



## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I would like to be a fly on the wall on one of your wife's GNO's...I'll bet the husband bashing is so thick you could cut it with a knife....It is a prime topic of "older" married women, and even a good husband can find his wife absorbing some of that negativity from toxic friends.....
> 
> After reading hundreds of threads I have concluded that for many women sex really didn't mean much to them....It is bait to catch a mate, and it is a pleasant diversion when the hormones are flowing, but emotional attachment....Not so much...
> 
> ...


Posts like this make me feel like some sort of rare unicorn who married an even rarer unicorn. So weird how none of my female friends seem to be like the description above either. :scratchhead:


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Is there any chance that your w was sexually abused? That whole thing with her not wanting you to touch her - it made me wonder.


----------



## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Wow there's a lot of MRA crap going on in this thread. Good luck with divorcing your wife and saying "well it's my money". Geez. When someone has that kind of attitude, it usually transfers over into the rest of their life, so that might be a clue to why the wife doesn't want to have sex. I don't think that entitled jerks are a turn on for anyone. 

As for hundreds of threads with women saying they don't like sex - I can't think where that must be because I see a lot more women saying that they do enjoy sex and that sex is vital for bonding. I see more bitter and anal men around here who think that sex is their right, no matter how they jerk their wives around or how selfishly they treat them - and this is a case in point. There is a lot not being said imo. I would love to hear the wife's pov.


----------



## Work-In-Progress (May 21, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> At first I was shocked, but after reading thread after thread I have concluded that the soft, warm, sensitive, emotional creatures we take to wife do not have one tenth of the emotional attachment to sex that even the most crude and boorish man does.........
> 
> A woman can have an astonishing sex life with her partner, having orgasm after orgasm in hundreds of positions, and circumstances.....A woman can be consumed by sexual desire and crave and beg for sex, and yet her emotional attachment to what might be a long history of great sex is NILL......
> 
> ...


Wow, that is an insightful post. That really makes sense as it just hit me that the hand full of times I've brought up our most memorable sexcapades (which probably comprise 25-50% of the sessions that weren't of the vanilla variety over 16 years) to my wife, I think she only remembered one or two of them.


----------

