# How long before things go back to the way they were pre-affair?



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

This is actually a two fold question.

After DDay and deciding to R, how long was it before you fell back in to the old routine? Whatever the marriage was like before the affair....just right back to normal?

Or after DDay has everyone's marriage changed from the old routine to something bigger and better?

I read somewhere that even after affairs marriages that stay together usually just go right back to the same behaviors after the hysterical bonding period is over, normally around six months or so most spouses report their marriage has not improved but they are staying together.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

We're almost at 1 year past Dday. We are totally different now. We talk all the time about everything and there is no fear in telling our needs. No more going back to that old stuff for us! Heck, we're even moving 1200 miles away to Florida in July.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Same with us, old marriage is dead and gone, the new one we are building is stronger and healthier than the old one ever was. We communicate better on many levels, and have done our best to shed the old unhealthy patterns in favor of new ones. We had quite a bit of counseling, and once finances improve, we plan to make MC just standard practice once every few months or so, just to get an outside perspective. Its been a year and a few months since dday.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I think you have to redefine your marriage. As someone else said, the old one is dead and gone. You should never want what was once normal. That old routine is what got you here in the first place.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Never


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

I have to say that I hope the pre-affair marriage behaviors never rear their ugly head again. Ironically, as the BS I never knew we had issues, but now after having this happen I do see there were small hairline fractures in the foundation. I suppose with all of life's daily demands, they never seemed relevant, but now that we are in R and working on making things better, I do see the areas to improve upon. 

D-Day was only 3 weeks ago and our relationship feels like it is heading in a more positive direction. We are in MC and we are each doing our part. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad moments and sometimes I do feel threatened or insecure, but with his help and support, I hope to overcome this. My feelings of betrayal, loss of trust and humiliation will take a lot of time to rebuild.

In regards to 6 months reverting back to our old ways, NO WAY! If that happens it will be time to re-examine the marriage and staying together. I never want to go back to what got us here in the first place. My motto is full steam ahead! I am trying to learn from this and hope that we are stronger, healthier and more committed than ever before.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> We're almost at 1 year past Dday. We are totally different now. We talk all the time about everything and there is no fear in telling our needs. No more going back to that old stuff for us! Heck, we're even moving 1200 miles away to Florida in July.


Man I miss Florida! 

Ok, asia, to answer your question, it doesn't go back, not really. Sure, routines such as dinner at 6 or shopping on Sunday or whatever may go back to the same old routines, but regarding the relationship with your spouse, it doesn't "go back". You rebuild the relationship from the ground up. You make it better, if truly R'ing. But as for the old routines in how you interacted, I would hope never. If things went back to that, I would feel complacent and so would he...which would, in turn, start the cycle again. I don't want that. I want bigger and better with him.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

asia said:


> After DDay and deciding to R, how long was it before you fell back in to the old routine? Whatever the marriage was like before the affair....just right back to normal?


For my WW, it was about 2 months. However, my pain was still
too fresh and when I noticed she was putting more effort
into "just getting back to the norm" as opposed to actually
attempting to soothe all the damage with remorse and honesty,
I pulled the plug on her emotionally and refused the "status quo" BS.

That led to her getting frustrated and doubting the effectiveness of her efforts. Rather than resetting her priorities and 
being honest with me, she attempted to burn the clock and soon gave up by contacting the OM again after 8 months of NC.



asia said:


> Or after DDay has everyone's marriage changed from the old routine to something bigger and better?


We're now separated and working on the D.

Much better than the alternative, which was accepting less than I deserved and living with a heartless liar.



asia said:


> I read somewhere that even after affairs marriages that stay together usually just go right back to the same behaviors after the hysterical bonding period is over, normally around six months or so most spouses report their marriage has not improved but they are staying together.


I would say that the above is an accurate assessment.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Maybe not what you want to hear but mine was never the same. 
The first 4-5 months or so he was trying really hard and I had major triggers so he had to walk on egg shells. 

After about 6 months we had a great relationship, I had calmed down a lot and MC was going well. We were really in synch and told each other ILY all the time (which we didn't do before). We were doing so well in fact that we stopped going to MC. 

14 or so months after DDay STBXH started becoming moody and depressed and I started to do all the things I did before the A to try to make him happy (I was seriously co-dependent, even more than before the A). 

18 months after DDay he told me he couldn't take the guilt anymore and wanted out of the relationship. Didn't want MC, didn't want to talk about it, nada. So I moved out and now I realize it is over and I must never take him back.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I have to say that I hope the pre-affair marriage behaviors never rear their ugly head again. Ironically, as the BS I never knew we had issues, but now after having this happen I do see there were small hairline fractures in the foundation. I suppose with all of life's daily demands, they never seemed relevant, but now that we are in R and working on making things better, I do see the areas to improve upon.
> 
> D-Day was only 3 weeks ago and our relationship feels like it is heading in a more positive direction. We are in MC and we are each doing our part. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad moments and sometimes I do feel threatened or insecure, but with his help and support, I hope to overcome this. My feelings of betrayal, loss of trust and humiliation will take a lot of time to rebuild.
> 
> ...


>>>>>

I feel much the same. Good luck to you!


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

If things go back to the way they were then we are doomed.


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## rasana (Feb 6, 2013)

This is a very helpful thread. Thank you!


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

It's been a year and a half since my dday... In the beginning I thought we were stronger and more open than ever before, but recently I have discovered more dirt that keeps me wondering if we will still have our relationship forever?
He keeps admitting that he is afraid to be 100% truthful incase it's the last thing that breaks us- he did a lot of things to hurt me...
I guess it depends on how bad your relationship was, and how much you have delt with now will determine how good your future will be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

NEVER! No need to discuss this anymore.

If you're looking for things to go back to the way there were before the affair, get a divorce and move on.


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