# Need a script for coping with Passive Aggressive conversation style



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I have posted a very long thread describing my marriage on another thread. My husband is very passive aggressive and I am trying to just live my life in spite of it. How in the world can I get a handle on a conversation with a passive-aggressive person so it doesn't turn into a disaster? Even the simplest topic or request turns into a fight and I am so sick of it and I just want to have some advice on how to stay on track and not be manipulated. Not only with my husband but people at work or in life that I might encounter.

Here is a recent conversation that got way off track. If you don't mind using this an an example of how I can better control this conversation. Would you be willing to re-write this and show me what I should have said instead? I can't control him and I can't change him, but I can change how I react to him and set up boundaries for the conversation.

I needed to cook some fresh rice for a family dinner gathering we were going to later that day. I looked for the pot and found it in the fridge. Hubby had cooked rice in it and put the whole pan in the fridge and the rice looked old and dry. So, I had to dump the old rice, soak the pan, scrub, and then use it to cook. I was annoyed and it delayed my cooking schedule, as I had several dishes to make. He very frequently puts the pans in the fridge and I have asked him not to several times over months and years.

Hubby (H) walks in and I asked him, "Can you please not put pans of food in the fridge? Can you instead transfer the food into a storage container? I had to get the old rice out of the pan in order to use it today and I'm trying to cook for tonight's dinner."

H: Did you throw out all that rice that was in the pan?? 

Me: Yes, it was old and dried out. 

H: That rice was perfectly good still! Such waste!

Me: I'm sorry but the rice was old, no one would eat that rice. I gave it to the dogs so it didn't totally go to waste. And I had to soak and scrub the pan out so I could use it again. Can you please remove the food from the pan next time and put it in a storage container?

H: Well I was exhausted last night, and I had a thousand things to do because you were working, and the kids were hungry . . .

Me: I know sometimes you are tired-- but this happens a lot and I've asked you before. Can you please start using storage containers?

H: I don't like to put our food in plastic, it's not healthy. 

Me: We have glass storage containers, too. Can you use those?

H: Well in the past you have put pans of food in the fridge. I remember you putting a huge pot of mac and cheese in there before. If you can do it, why can't I?

Me: Because I probably did it once or twice, and I can't remember the last time I made mac and cheese. But anyway, it's just frustrating because several times a week I find this pan in the fridge with dried up rice in it. I am so tired by the time I clean out the pan so I can make dinner, and I just would like it if you didn't keep putting it in the fridge with rice in it. I am tired right now and I still have two more dishes to make for dinner tonight. What I need to hear from you right now is that you will try to remember to not put pans in the fridge anymore. 

H: (stomps off without a word)

Later, I had set the new rice to boil and asked him to tell me when it was boiling so I could cover it and turn down the heat while I went to the bathroom to do my hair. He was cooking on the other burner at the time. I came out some time later and asked if the rice was boiling or not, He said yes it had been for awhile. I asked why he hadn't told me about it, or at least attended to it, and he said it was my business to cook the rice and I should have kept a better eye on it. As a result the rice got burned and I had to soak the pan and start over and make yet another batch of rice. I had such an angry feeling the rest of the night at the family dinner and we were late because I had to make yet another batch of rice. 

I felt so dumb for even attempting to open the pan topic in the first place. If I had kept my mouth shut he might not have noticed the old rice was gone and the day would have gone better. I am afraid of even trying to talk to him but sometimes in a family we have to talk about things.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Seems to me that you are telling him to check with you to make sure he's allowed to do something. It also seems like you can do whatever you want and if you do something you have asked him not to do, it's alright.

"Do as I say and not as I do." 

You've got more problems than just rice in a pan. You're better than him. At least you think you are.


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Seems to me that you are telling him to check with you to make sure he's allowed to do something. It also seems like you can do whatever you want and if you do something you have asked him not to do, it's alright.
> 
> "Do as I say and not as I do."
> 
> You've got more problems than just rice in a pan. You're better than him. At least you think you are.


That was not helpful at all. And I really don't see what you mean. If you could use the example above and re-write it to a more productive conversation that would be most helpful.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm sorry. I cannot. Someone else will be able to help you. Please disregard my post. Take care. Good luck.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

2 thoughts:

one is that it wasn't worth the fight. Could you have used a different pan? 

otherwise, here's how it should go:

Hubby (H) walks in and I asked him, "Can you please not put pans of food in the fridge? Can you instead transfer the food into a storage container? I had to get the old rice out of the pan in order to use it today and I'm trying to cook for tonight's dinner."

H: Did you throw out all that rice that was in the pan?? 

Me: Yes, it was old and dried out. 

H: That rice was perfectly good still! Such waste!

Me: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted it. I gave it to the dogs though. 

(Don't repeat your original request here. I know you want him to say, Ok I hear you, I won't do that any more, but it's never going to happen. Accept this)

H: Well I was exhausted last night, and I had a thousand things to do because you were working, and the kids were hungry . . .

Me: Yeah, I know how that is. Sorry it was so hectic for you last night.

H: I don't like to put our food in plastic, it's not healthy. 

Me: That's sweet of you to care about me and the kids so much.

H: Well in the past you have put pans of food in the fridge. I remember you putting a huge pot of mac and cheese in there before. If you can do it, why can't I?

Me: No response here necessary

H: (stomps off without a word)



Read that drama triangle article. It clarifies the problems with interactions like your conversation. 

Also, it was crappy of him to let the rice burn!


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I replied in your other thread.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

OK, I'm not the advice genie, but here goes. 

The conversation itself is not really passive-aggressive (although the later incident with cooking rice was very PA). This is a conversation with a man who is incredibly insecure and feels like he has to defend himself at every turn. It may sound silly, but to some people, even the hint of a small criticism, like he shouldn't have put pots in the fridge, immediately throws up his defenses and he feels like his very life depends on him defending himself (I've been there, done that). So he throws out a bunch of lame excuses and blame-switching, and makes your more frustrated. Later, what he did with the rice was intended to teach you a lesson, so you won't criticize him again. His entire self-being is a fortress to protect himself from any and all criticism, as if he will die if any of them penetrate his armor, like a poisoned arrowtip.

At its core, the solution is to make him feel a lot less insecure. You could compliment him more, or do other things to boost his self-esteem. When you bring up the pots in the fridge, you might have to resort to talking to him like a baby, saying: "I promise, this is not an attack against you personally, I still care about you, you are not a bad person, but it would really save me a lot of work if you didn't put pots back in the fridge..."

However, there is only so much of this that is acceptable, and his PA with your cooking was over the line. You have every right to get angry about that. He is not your parent, and it's not his job to punish you.

When he says it's not his job to watch your cooking for you, you could say: "no, it's not your job, but when people live together and care for each other they expect small courtesies, especially when it would have taken no effort on your part to do it".


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

VeggieMom...have you checked out Marriage Builders?

What you are describing is a back-and-forth conversation about an annoying habit of his, but you both could be more respectful and patient. Marriage Builders has a lot of good information on ways to handle exactly the type of incident you described. 
.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Hope this helps you. 

http://www.johngouletmft.com/Breaking_The_Drama_Triangle_Newest.pdf


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

Thank you-- I appreciate your input and advice. I see that I could have come across more gently in the first part of the conversation and maybe it would have gone better overall. Not make him feel defensive in the first place. 

I will also (and I say this and do it anyway because we live together) not count on him so much to do anything for me that I can do myself. I should not have asked him to watch the rice for me and just set a timer to come check on it myself.

I am reading and will be looking for a counselor soon-- for myself.I'm sure I have a lot to learn as far as tact. I am so angry and hurt inside that it's hard for me to be gentle when we've had the conversation 1000 times before and nothing changes. 

By the way, I went to Wal-Mart that night after the dinner and bought more pans, so if he continues to put pans in the fridge I will have more to choose from.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Wow. I guess I read this conversation much differently than others. Veggiemom, you said maybe you could have come across more gently than you did in the first part of the conversation. I think you should have done just the opposite. He was obviously playing you and trying to push your buttons. That's why his responses were all 'wah wah' and 'whoa is me'. BS. The way to stop someone from being PA and manipulative is to not let them. You have to call someone on their BS, or they will keep feeding you BS. My response would have been something along the lines of, "How long have you lived in this house? You need to step up a bit more and do things responsibly. If you start cooking something, finish it then clean up after yourself. I don't have time to take care of another child in this house." But, then again, I don't suffer fools very well. You said you have a lot to learn about tact. The time for tact is over. You've been trying the nice approach, saying it over and over, explaining ad nauseum, and it didn't work. Try 'flipping the trash cans', so to speak.


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> Wow. I guess I read this conversation much differently than others. Veggiemom, you said maybe you could have come across more gently than you did in the first part of the conversation. I think you should have done just the opposite. He was obviously playing you and trying to push your buttons. That's why his responses were all 'wah wah' and 'whoa is me'. BS. The way to stop someone from being PA and manipulative is to not let them. You have to call someone on their BS, or they will keep feeding you BS. My response would have been something along the lines of, "How long have you lived in this house? You need to step up a bit more and do things responsibly. If you start cooking something, finish it then clean up after yourself. I don't have time to take care of another child in this house." But, then again, I don't suffer fools very well. You said you have a lot to learn about tact. The time for tact is over. You've been trying the nice approach, saying it over and over, explaining ad nauseum, and it didn't work. Try 'flipping the trash cans', so to speak.


haha! Yes I have resorted to that before too! And it felt good at the time, but it would have given him more fuel to his fire. Then he would accused me of having anger problems or not being polite and that would have taken the focus off the issue at hand. And I am trying to rise above the anger and be polite but assertive. Still working on this.

Once, after asking him repeatedly to rinse the dishes before putting them in the sink, and finding stacks and stacks of dried food dishes when I came home from work (we have opposite schedules), I just got fed up and put all those dishes in a plastic tote in the kitchen and said I was not washing them because they were not my mess and we all need to do our part in the house. After a few days they were washed by husband and things have improved in that area since.

Even with the kids, they are good at cleaning up their own messes and following the rules of the house to help us function. I feel like the kids are outgrowing their father as far as age and maturity.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I would stop cooking rice, or if I did cook it, I would empty the pot as soon as the rice was done.


----------



## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I would stop cooking rice, or if I did cook it, I would empty the pot as soon as the rice was done.


He cooks as much as I do, and when he cooks he's the one who puts it in the fridge for me to find. I bought some more pans and he hates teflon-- the kind I bought- so I know he won't use them.  He can use his own pan-- and wash it if it still has rice in it from last time-- and I have mine.


----------



## mindy228 (Jul 9, 2013)

I would have went about the situation differently.

I would have been more funny about it like this:


Babe, have you seen the silver pot that we use for rice??

If he said yes he put it in there. I would be like ok!


but this is how I would teach him a lesson.
since he does some cooking. I would make sure that one of the pots he uses regularly was in the fridge with stuff in it. I know some would say its childish but with some people you just have to give a taste of their own medicine. I personally don't like to wine and complain as it mounts to nothing.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As I was reading this, I was thinking you've got to choose more important issues to fight over.

1. Rice is cheap.
2. It is easiest cooked in the microwave. And less mess too.
3. Some people put pans in the refrigerator to cut down on the number of items that need to be washed over the week.
4. Back when I used to eat rice, I guess it did take about 30 minutes to bring to the boil. It would have been nice if your husband had tended to it since he has cooked rice before, but that's what happens when bad blood starts to seep in.


----------



## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Hey Veggie. Like you, I'm trying to learn a different way to communicate with my PA husband of 22 years. I have found that repeating myself works. Stay with your initial request but take out the word "you". "Please don't put pans of food in the fridge". Don't explain yourself, offer alternatives, acknowledge the passing of blame or excuses. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. He will walk away in a huff but you're not playing into the PA behavior and he is forced to deal with his own actions. I have just started doing this in the last year, and it is liberating. If you are like me, it seems like this would be something anyone would know to do especially if asked before. PAs hear you, but it's their way to control. Also, another suggestion. Buy a new pot that you can use and leave his in the fridge. Let him clean up his own mess. I'm a work in progress and hope this helps.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't think you need a script. I do think you could be more aware of how you are communicating though and how that may feel to your husband.



VeggieMom said:


> "Can you please not put pans of food in the fridge? Can you instead transfer the food into a storage container? I had to get the old rice out of the pan in order to use it today and I'm trying to cook for tonight's dinner."


I'd predict that if I said this to my husband he would say, 'You're welcome to clean up after I've cooked if you don't like how I store the food.' Why wouldn't he respond, 'Of course babe, sorry about that.'....because the tone of annoyance from your statement and telling him what to do like a child wouldn't fly with him. 

I'm guessing the way you approached him was from a place of frustration that had built up as you watched the time you had to prepare new rice slowly dwindle. If I'd thrown the rice out (instead of transferring to a container) and he commented on this, I'd say I thought it looked old and made the call. No biggie.

Were you annoyed by the fact that you were running out of time or was it that you feel he wasn't doing what you wanted and dismissing what you request of him? Maybe he's feeling he's not being listened to and respected either. 

Getting extra containers is all well and good but the way you are both communicating is still going to be there. That's what needs to be dealt with - not so much whether or not pans go into the fridge. Remember to be on each others team.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I know it's an old thread, 




> H: Did you throw out all that rice that was in the pan??
> 
> Me: Yes, it was old and dried out.
> 
> H: That rice was perfectly good still! Such waste!


STOP here!

"Yup, next time use a container and it won't get thrown out!"



All this....



> Me: I'm sorry but the rice was old, no one would eat that rice. I gave it to the dogs so it didn't totally go to waste. And I had to soak and scrub the pan out so I could use it again. Can you please remove the food from the pan next time and put it in a storage container?
> 
> H: Well I was exhausted last night, and I had a thousand things to do because you were working, and the kids were hungry . . .
> 
> ...


Waste of time and energy. Make your point and shut up. End of conversation, do not engage any further. This also means that you completely let it go and return to your normal happy self.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

VeggieMom said:


> That was not helpful at all. And I really don't see what you mean. If you could use the example above and re-write it to a more productive conversation that would be most helpful.


Even here you are telling how something should be done. 

And what result did this achieve with the person it was directed to? 

I have hope that you and your husband can improve your communication and marriage - but I'm suggesting that you look to your own behavior first. Wishing you the best.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I know it's an old thread,


haha... dagnabbit!!


And now I'm craving rice.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

exacatacly heartsbeating. Thank you. Oh, and even though I left the thread, I still wished you the best VeggieMom.


----------



## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

VeggieMom said:


> I have posted a very long thread describing my marriage on another thread. My husband is very passive aggressive and I am trying to just live my life in spite of it. How in the world can I get a handle on a conversation with a passive-aggressive person so it doesn't turn into a disaster? Even the simplest topic or request turns into a fight and I am so sick of it and I just want to have some advice on how to stay on track and not be manipulated. Not only with my husband but people at work or in life that I might encounter.
> 
> Here is a recent conversation that got way off track. If you don't mind using this an an example of how I can better control this conversation. Would you be willing to re-write this and show me what I should have said instead? I can't control him and I can't change him, but I can change how I react to him and set up boundaries for the conversation.
> 
> ...


Wow.... that reads exactly like a conversation ex husband and I would have on any given day.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> exacatacly heartsbeating. Thank you. Oh, and even though I left the thread, I still wished you the best VeggieMom.


I wonder how things went in the end?

My husband can be unpredictable, as well as reasonable, so in fairness if I made a request and he understood the 'why' and how it affected me, he'd respect that. I think there ought to be an awareness of tone and how we speak to / treat others though. 

Or maybe it's simply a matter of buying glass containers and more pots  ....whadda I know?


----------

