# Deal breakers, and how to gently inform?



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I am not married or even dating, so if it is inappropriate for me to be posting this here, please forgive me, just let me know and I won't come back. 

I am struggling here and just need to know, if you could imagine, at some point before your marriage, your beloved fiancee told you she had briefly been a escort/prostitute, would you have still married her? What if it was before your engagement, or after your wedding? Thank you for your honest answers.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You really do need to work on your self-esteem!

It doesn’t really matter what others think about such things. In these cases the only opinion that counts is yours.

If you had a healthy level of self-esteem you wouldn’t ask such a question.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am struggling here and just need to know, if you could imagine, at some point before your marriage, your beloved fiancee told you she had briefly been a escort/prostitute, would you have still married her? What if it was before your engagement, or after your wedding? Thank you for your honest answers.


I don't see why that should be a deal breaker but I'd want to know that she'd been thoroughly tested for STDs before sleeping with her. As many people on here will tell you, what someone was in the past is kind of irrelevant, what makes all the difference is what they are in the here and now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

That would raise serious questions about how their childhood affected their self worth.

I'd want to know - in particular - what steps they'd taken to address those issues, and what revelations brought them to the good place they now are.

No rug sweeping and no "hoping" it turns out ok.

There's a HUGE amount of information I would need to be considering an LTR with such a person.




Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am not married or even dating, so if it is inappropriate for me to be posting this here, please forgive me, just let me know and I won't come back.
> 
> I am struggling here and just need to know, if you could imagine, at some point before your marriage, your beloved fiancee told you she had briefly been a escort/prostitute, would you have still married her? What if it was before your engagement, or after your wedding? Thank you for your honest answers.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You really do need to work on your self-esteem!
> 
> It doesn’t really matter what others think about such things. In these cases the only opinion that counts is yours.
> 
> If you had a healthy level of self-esteem you wouldn’t ask such a question.


that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

Assuming the poster is female and a former one-time escort, she has some real concerns whether a future boyfriend would consider marrying her due to her past.

Or maybe the poster is a guy and isn't sure that he wants to be in that situation. Doesn't have anything to do with self-esteem but rather making a tough decision that will affect the rest of your life (or as long as marriages last these days).

To answer the question, yes I would still marry that person provided there was a frank discussion and understanding that it was in the past.


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## whatsup (May 7, 2012)

tbh as a guy i'd be fine with it. so what if you slept with other people even if it was for money. i've bought girls drinks so they would sleep with me during college and never considered that could be a deal breaker


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am not married or even dating, so if it is inappropriate for me to be posting this here, please forgive me, just let me know and I won't come back.
> 
> I am struggling here and just need to know, if you could imagine, at some point before your marriage, your beloved fiancee told you she had briefly been a escort/prostitute, would you have still married her? What if it was before your engagement, or after your wedding? Thank you for your honest answers.


Welcome to TAM.If she told me before engagement I would view it as being honest because she really values me and respects my right in making fully informed decisions,especially life changing ones.If she told me after we were married I would view it as deceit for gain,totally self-serving.jmo


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would hope that any woman who is a former prostitute would tell any man she hoped to sleep with the truth before she slept with him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am struggling here and just need to know, if you could imagine, at some point before your marriage, your beloved fiancee told you she had briefly been a escort/prostitute, would you have still married her? What if it was before your engagement, or after your wedding? Thank you for your honest answers.


If it was a part of your past before me I wouldn`t have a problem with it.

If you were escorting during our relationship or during a break in our relationship it would have a negative impact on me.

Whether or not I married her would depend upon the details of why, when, how?

After marriage, it would mean divorce.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I would hope that any woman who is a former prostitute would tell any man she hoped to sleep with the truth before she slept with him.


Why?

A woman who never was an escort could be at a larger risk than an escort in the business for a decade.

She`s to have the "I was an escort" talk with any and every man she beds?

She isn`t bound by ethics to have that conversation with any and every lover she ever has.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

You ask a very difficult question 

My past was littered(b4 hubby) with MANY sex partners. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many men take it personally(either jealousy or disgust) when you tell them that. I couldn't imagine a guy's response to the "I was an escort"

I think it's most men(even here) automatically critisize a women's sexual past-regardless whether they did the same.

One of my best friend's was a prostitute. She was a teenager and had a heroine addiction. Years later when she met her husband over 20yrs ago-she didn't tell him because she knew he would judge her. It's a hard decision either way-we're always taught to be honest-but I definitely don't want you to lose a chance with someone you love because of their "hang ups" 

I would never advocate for lying or omitting the truth-as some have said, just because the female was an escort/prostitute DOES NOT guarantee she is unsafe much more then male partners who sleep unprotected with several women!

I would say-if you have given up that lifestyle-have spent at least a year getting checked for STD's and other sexual diseases and let him know sexually you're taking it easy...then proceed carefully with what you say.

It's bad enough with prostitutes getting a nasty reputations with police and media-I couldn't imagine he's treat you any better if he knew and you guys weren't together very long.

Hugs,


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As long as I was told up front it would not be a deal breaker. If I was told after engagement I honestly don't know. I'd have to be in the situation to know, really. If I was told after marriage, that means that I was deceived in a big way. That would be a deal breaker.

In some ways, knowing before getting engaged might make me feel even closer to her.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you all for responding. 

Yes, it is a very real concern of mine that I will never meet a man who will consider me worthy or capable of being a wife, or for starters, even a girlfriend. Truth be told, I have not been intimate since the last time I had sex for money, which is going on a half a decade ago. 

DanglingDaisy did keeping a secret like that from her husband of so many years, wear on her at all? I am the type of person who HATES having secrets. And on the flip side, I would know that if I didn't disclose such information, the man would never truly be loving the whole me, because no matter what, my past makes up who I am.


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## whatsup (May 7, 2012)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Thank you all for responding.
> 
> Yes, it is a very real concern of mine that I will never meet a man who will consider me worthy or capable of being a wife, or for starters, even a girlfriend. Truth be told, I have not been intimate since the last time I had sex for money, which is going on a half a decade ago.
> 
> DanglingDaisy did keeping a secret like that from her husband of so many years, wear on her at all? I am the type of person who HATES having secrets. And on the flip side, I would know that if I didn't disclose such information, the man would never truly be loving the whole me, because no matter what, my past makes up who I am.



tbh i don't think it is really anything to be ashamed of. if you say it out in the open and the guy doesn't give you a chance he's probably insecure and not worth your time anyways


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Leading a rather checkered life in my younger days I was friends with quite a few young women who shared a similar story to your own.The ones who left the life,for the most part anyway,went on to have good fulfilling lives as wives and mothers.There are many,many men in the world who are very realistic in their thinking and know that this old world can be harsher to some more so than others,and place more emphasize on how a person is in the here and now.The more you try to live your life in the right way,learn to forgive yourself and let go of the past,the stronger your own sense of worth can become.Don't let your fears dictate your life and you can find that someone special who will love you for the person you are and not who you were in the past.jmo.Peace


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Honestly-I don't know if she's ever told him(she trusted me knowing I would keep it a secret)and I didn't pry.

I do know that you have to be careful when you tell your partner your sexual past. My husband was jealous that I had more partners than him He asked lots of questions at the time-but over the years, has used the information against me.  I think it is in part how he's justified flirting with women all these years-and why he's pressured me to have an open marriage(hey you did X in the past,why not now?)


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## Ryan_sa (May 8, 2012)

I would prefer my partner to be honest about thier past, What happened before we got together is no business of mine, but it is a full disclosure thing, and it goes both ways. A persons sexual / relationship past should NEVER be used against them.

An Escort is slightly different though, it implies a "looser" set of morals to most. A lot of men would be scared off by this, so I wouldnt tell the guy on the first date.
I think the timing would be fairly important. you have to have some trust, but not be set in a relationship pattern.

On the other hand a guy who has no problem with it will have the self confidence to handle most of what life will throw at you, and will probably be open minded enough to make life fun!
If hes the type to say you did X for money so why wont you do it for me (knowing you hated doing X) then hes not the guy for you.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you all for the kind responses. Its much appreciated.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Thank you all for responding.
> 
> Yes, it is a very real concern of mine that I will never meet a man who will consider me worthy or capable of being a wife, or for starters, even a girlfriend. Truth be told, I have not been intimate since the last time I had sex for money, which is going on a half a decade ago.
> 
> DanglingDaisy did keeping a secret like that from her husband of so many years, wear on her at all? I am the type of person who HATES having secrets. And on the flip side, I would know that if I didn't disclose such information, the man would never truly be loving the whole me, because no matter what, my past makes up who I am.


If you want a shot at a true healthy relationship, you have to be honest. It doesn't mean that you tell him on the first date, but you need to let him know at some point when things get serious.

I would be thoroughly pissed if I married a woman and then found out later about something like that. You need to let the person you are marrying make the decision on their own. If they wouldn't marry you if they knew your past, then it isn't fair to them or to you that you would withhold that information.

Also, it shows that you are trustworthy and mature enough to be in a healthy relationship if you are willing to share that information. Withholding it just confirms that you wouldn't be in a place to have a healthy relationship.

At the end of the day though, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't accepting of your past?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Of course I want to be in an honest relationship with someone who is fully accepting of me. I completely agree, its not my decision to make for any man, and by withholding that information, that would be me making that decision for him.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

If she was really hot, sexually experienced, clean and not loose from all the sex I'd definitely get engaged if I found out early in the relationship, but I'd never actually go through with the wedding, just enjoy a few hot steamy years and then move on. Someone like that is not the type of person you are going to want to raise a family with. If I found out after the wedding I'd be hesistant to have any kids and the deception alone might drive me to divorce but at that point I'd probably just sit it out and see where things went, having been through a divorce once already I wouldn't jump right back in again for that one reason.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not helpful.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not helpful.


Nope, but the truth is, there's plenty of guys out there that actually think like that. Might as well prepare for it, and take steps to ensure you don't end up with one.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

being a hooker is against my morals. i dont care how poor you are... there's always a job somewhere. mcdonalds.. SOMETHING. it'd be a dealbreaker for me. 

but these are always things you should decide BEFORE committing fully. if you're having questions or second thoughts then it's probably a feeling for you that wont go away. then again it doesnt always mean that you'r a bad person. sometimes things happen.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I absolutely know, and accept the fact that a lot of people will think poorly of someone who has been a prostitute. I am not looking to give explanations or change anyones opinions, but I do have to say that of course there were other jobs to be had, but no way in hell can an adult make it on some minimum wage paying job. Sometimes one has to do what they have to do to make it though a rough patch without losing everything. Some people are just willing to hit the extremes to make it work.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife WAS an escort in the past before I met her =/

She was rather higher class however, and could afford to be choosy with her clients. I never judged her, but hey, guess I had my own past - and she never judged me for it, so it worked out fine - if anything, we have had much more SERIOUS concerns in our relationship either than her past

Her past made her more of an interesting and stronger person then other women I had lined up too, so just keep that in mind - focus on your present and who you are today, not who or what you were in the past

Just look for more open-minded folk, or others with their own pasts
One thing that my wife and I do have common too is that both of us were never 'straight-edged', our histories can be easily judged, and I guess that brought us rather close together. (To the point she managed to steal me from a rather 'straight-edged' ex in the past heh - sometimes one just falls in love with the one who understands them the most)

EDIT: Come to think of it, isn't prostitution illegal in the US? Here in AUS it's just regulated, and we have escort agencies that do take care of their workers.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Randomdude your wife is very lucky to have found you! 

It would never work for me and straight laced guy. I live too "on the fringe" still if you will. I have lots of tattoos (and more to do), like to party now and again still. Yes, prostitution is illegal in the USA, except for in Nevada, though, I don't live in nevada.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

NoPE i wouldnt have


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## rider (Jun 22, 2009)

It would be cool with me and my nuclear family would not have a problem with it, but Grandma and Grandpa might not need to know 

I would think of it this way: The kind of guy you meet that is cool with it is going to be a cooler kind of guy in general, and probably a bit on the fringe too.

The hard part for me would be deciding when to tell. Too early, and you could scare them off or worse, let them think that you are easy. Too late and it could breed resentment. I would say after first sex maybe.


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