# can sex be a part of our marrage problems



## jami (Apr 18, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for thirty years. We have been having problems the last last three years. Recently she had an sexting affair with someone that started just after she started taking hormone treatments. She said she got so horny and did not know how to bring it on to me. Our sex with each other had been winding down to twice a year for the last few years. I have a high sex drive and find porn to the easiest. She has admitted that she masturbates also. We have been doing a lot of talking lately and I told her that a lot of my fantasies are about her but I am afraid to act on them for fear of rejection. My fault too as i have done my share of rejection as well. She has started talking about some of her fantasies also and some new things she would like to try. Nothing to kinky I might ad. I think we both have gotten to a place where we feel uncomfortable with each other sexually.When we do have sex it seams that it is is all about her. I am always doing all the work, While I do enjoy pleasing her and making sure she is satisfied I usually end up feeling like the servant. 
Well yesterday she suggested we both go see a sex counselor, She set one up and tonight she has her first meeting but I cant go this time. Is that normal? 
I am trying really hard to work on our marriage and i do think that our lack of intimacy has taken a bad toll on our marriage.
So my question is can a sex therapist be helpful? I am afraid they might bring out the worst in us and damage our marriage further. I don't understand why the first visit is only with her. 
Could this be a good thing or should I bee worried?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

It sounds like a good thing to me. Can it really hurt? You guys sound like you are in a pretty bad place.

No. I don't think there's anything wrong with her going alone. It sounds like she has issues, you have issues and you have issues together.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

All (good) therapists will want one-on-one meetings with each of you, seperate from the other spouse. In my experience usually the first meeting has both of you going to the counsellor, mostly to explain what it is you hope to get out of the counselling, but that doesn't mean what this counsellor is doing is wrong. Some counsellors feel they get more out of the one-on-one sessions than they do as a group/couple (and they are likely correct in that). As long as you get your own one-on-one session soon, there shouldn't be any need for concern.


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## jami (Apr 18, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> All (good) therapists will want one-on-one meetings with each of you, seperate from the other spouse. In my experience usually the first meeting has both of you going to the counsellor, mostly to explain what it is you hope to get out of the counselling, but that doesn't mean what this counsellor is doing is wrong. Some counsellors feel they get more out of the one-on-one sessions than they do as a group/couple (and they are likely correct in that). As long as you get your own one-on-one session soon, there shouldn't be any need for concern.


I guess I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe reading a few posts of experiances around be helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jami said:


> I guess I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe reading a few posts of experiances around be helpful
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally would. There is many people on here who have gone through the counselling experience to a much further stage than I ever have, and they have posted about it, sometimes at length.

I'd encourage you to read on these forums and see what you can find and if you have any specific questions about the counselling you are receiving, post them here and people can chime in and help. For now though, I'd give the counsellor a month or two (or at least 8-10 meetings) to see what he/she is doing and how you feel about it. At this stage, it's ok to just trust she/he is doing her/his job competently as he/she hasn't given you any reason to think otherwise.


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