# Wheel Chair Guy Separated For Two Months HELP!!!



## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

All,

My wife and I started dating when she was 17 and I was 19, lets just say I was her first real boyfriend. I was in a car accident at the age of 16 which led to paralysis from mid thigh down. I met my wife in a wheelchair at a shoe store she worked at and fell in love instantly. We exchanged numbers and the rest is history! Her parents split when she was 18 (there back together now) so she moved into one of the spare bedrooms with me at my parents house. My wife would always say were getting married you just don't know and I would always deny this but in a joking type of way. I felt she was real mature for her age and didn't allow my situation being in a wheelchair to affect her decision on loving me and seeing us being together for the rest of our lives. 

Fast foward to 2011 during this time we are both working and have good paying jobs for our age. I'm 29 and she's 27 and were in the process of getting our house built and she's working on the plans for our 2013 wedding. During this time we tend to argue about any and everything maybe due to the stress of trying to balance different things. I tend to not allow my medical condition to get to me but every once in a while I would say hurtful things and vice versa. Never anything physical just verbal. She has friends and cousins who are somewhat jealous of her because she's doing good for herself and looking forward to married life. 

After we got married we still stayed with my parents for a couple months while our house being finished. Once we moved into our house and the wedding was over with I think my wife had a what now moment. Our communication seemed to go down hill and I don't know if this had to do with being on our own and having responsibilties or what. My wife created an Instagram page behing my back and was feeding off the attention from random guys. She said that she didn't love herself and how could she love me and looked at me as her bestfriend rather than her husband so suggested we separate so she can work on herself. I didn't want the separation so she just didn't come home after work and went to her parents house. 

It's been two months since she's been gone and we hung out a couple times and text each other with me initiating the contact but she responds and keeps the conversation going. She said she can't come back as my wife and that it's too late :scratchhead: She said she wants me to be her bestfriend which is confusing because I thought your husband is your bestfriend, soul mate, etc. Were going out to dinner next week when she gets off work and I don't if I should address the whole bestfriend issue and let her know I'm not okay with just being a bestfriend. I think she's confused and not thinking clearly but likes the freedom to come and go without answering to anyone. She's still on Instagram feeding off the attention from these random strangers. Any Advice?????


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry this has happened to you.

First, stop initiating contact. If she initiates, don’t respond right away. Let a few hours pass. Otherwise it looks like you are sitting next to your phone waiting for her to contact you. I know that’s probably exactly what you’re doing, but she doesn’t need to know it.

Next, read the 180. You can google it or search this site for it. It is a list of strategies that will help you to deal with the separation in a strong, confident way. Put it into action. 

Third, let her see a strong, confident you. Chasing her will make you look weak. 

Fourth, don’t address the best friend thing. Just enjoy the evening in your new strong, confident way. Leave her wanting to spend more time with you.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

Thanks Frostflower for responding. So I shouldn't bring up the bestfriend issue? I should just let her think I'm fine with that? I don't want to ruin another date but it seems like were on two different pages. I don't know if she's using the bestfriend idea as an excuse or what. I'm okay with the friend idea if its moving towards working on our marriage but if she's looking at this as I'm not coming back but still want to be bestfriends I don't see how that's possible when being in a relationsip for over nine years and being married. 

At one point after the separation I said if you don't plan on coming back and you can't be with me why don't you get the divorce papers. She started raising her voice and said fine, I will get them on my next off day. This never happened so I don't know if she really wants that or if she wants me to initiate it. 

Thanks again!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

jwheels82 said:


> Thanks Frostflower for responding. So I shouldn't bring up the bestfriend issue? I should just let her think I'm fine with that? I don't want to ruin another date but it seems like were on two different pages. I don't know if she's using the bestfriend idea as an excuse or what. I'm okay with the friend idea if its moving towards working on our marriage but if she's looking at this as I'm not coming back but still want to be bestfriends I don't see how that's possible when being in a relationsip for over nine years and being married.
> 
> At one point after the separation I said if you don't plan on coming back and you can't be with me why don't you get the divorce papers. She started raising her voice and said fine, I will get them on my next off day. This never happened so I don't know if she really wants that or if she wants me to initiate it.
> 
> Thanks again!


I agree. It would be a very rare relationship indeed where two people who were married could be best friends after the marriage dissolves. This would be especially difficult in your case as you do not want the marriage to end.

What I meant was don’t spoil the evening by bringing it up. Use the date as a chance to show her that you are doing well and are not a blubbering mess without her. Maybe hold off on the best friend talk until she has had a few chances to see ‘the new you’.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

Okay, I see what your saying so I won't bring up the bestfriend issue. Now you mentioned to not initiate contact, but after the dinner date how would I go about setting up another date if I don't reach out to her. I'm pretty sure she won't reach out to me because she has this wall guarding her feelings. I checked her social network page and she flirts with random guys, I think she's doing this for attention. Its frustrating...

Thanks!


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

My STBXH was all about Instagram toward the end of our marriage. Same situation, tons of obnoxious selfie's and loving the attention. Kind of like smelling your own farts.

Your wife sounds very immature to be feeding off that. Sorry to hear you are going through this. I know you are probably feeling guilty due to the downward spiral, but you are not responsible for her refusal to honor her vows and work on the relationship. No marriage is perfect and most have YEARS where things aren't going well but honorable people work through it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I guess you have two options. Either set a date when you are saying goodnight or don’t set one and see if she does contact you. If she doesn’t, you could always contact her at a later date. What you don’t want to do is look too eager. You will come off looking needy and that is a huge turnoff.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

Thanks bravenewworld,

Instagram has captured her attention and I feel she is acting real immature with feeding into people liking her pictures and trying to get as many followers as possible. I feel she is treating the marriage like a relationship. She states I want us to be bestfriends and were going out to dinner next week. But is she looking at this as nothing to lose I'm hanging out with a friend or is she just using this as an excuse because she doesn't want to show me her true feelings?


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

Frostflower,

I think setting something up at the dinner maybe the route to take. I have a question, I'm not sure the reasoning behing her going out to dinner. We can hang out, she will text me back for hours but once I bring up the relationship or counseling she goes into defensive mode. The other day I asked her if her feelings have changed and she said no, and without begging or pleading I said okay I understand, well goodnight. And she responds with "are you okay"? I said I'm fine and she said if you werent would you tell me? I said, yes. 

After a couple days I asked her why did you say if I werent okay would I tell you? She responds with because I care about you as a person and a friend. I said if I wasn't okay what could you do about it? She responds with, ummmmmm, honestly nothing I guees (in the most sincere voice) I feel she is acting real immature along with hurt feelings and emotions. I don't know whether to believe her words or not.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

jwheels82 said:


> Frostflower,
> 
> I think setting something up at the dinner maybe the route to take. I have a question, I'm not sure the reasoning behing her going out to dinner. We can hang out, she will text me back for hours but once I bring up the relationship or counseling she goes into defensive mode. The other day I asked her if her feelings have changed and she said no, and without begging or pleading I said okay I understand, well goodnight. And she responds with "are you okay"? I said I'm fine and she said if you werent would you tell me? I said, yes.
> 
> After a couple days I asked her why did you say if I werent okay would I tell you? She responds with because I care about you as a person and a friend. I said if I wasn't okay what could you do about it? She responds with, ummmmmm, honestly nothing I guees (in the most sincere voice) I feel she is acting real immature along with hurt feelings and emotions. I don't know whether to believe her words or not.


This is going to sound harsh. She is is doing one of three things. She is cake-eating, having the single life yet holding onto you for when it suits her. Or she has moved on and continues to contact you and telling that she wants you to be best friends in order to help her feel better about what she is doing. Or she is confused and not sure what she wants. Whichever one it is, she has fired you as her husband. She needs to know that there are ramifications to this. 

She said that she doesn’t love herself. What is she doing to remedy this?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Wheels I'm definitely agreeing with Frost Flower on implementing the 180 ASAP and also on your wife's motivations. You need to show her she can't cake eat by continuing to live like a single lady while keeping you as the backup plan.

I know it seems counterintuitive, but pulling back and focusing on taking care of yourself is your best shot at saving the marriage. Visit friends, spend time on a hobby, etc. Take your time responding to her calls and/or texts. Do not be at her beck and call. The day she walked out, she lost you as her emotional and financial support system.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Also I would cancel "best friend's" dinner and say you have other plans. Then make some!


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

I agree with everyone else. You need to put yourself first now. Focus on you and bettering yourself. If you keep going after her, you're going to come off desperate. And desperate men are not attractive to us women.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> She said that she doesn’t love herself. What is she doing to remedy this?


It sounds like OP wife is going out and finding guys that say they love her and is falling hook line and sinker for it.

jw82, you know you can find women out there that you won't have to share and don't have commitment issues and can be loyal?

I senses a betrayal here and yet you continue to ask this women out on dates!

I think its time to inform your wife about the divorce by having her served and letting her know that its time to stop sharing her with other men and best friends are no longer an option cuz your are now on the market for a new best friend.

Sorry brother but I have been here long enough to see a cake eating women who wants you emotionally but wants some strange on the side...or should I say on top of her.


Its a classic case of cake eating...I want you for emotional stablity while I go out and get laid......


Again there are women out there that don't have these commitment issues and lack of boundries. So man up and state your boundries...and let her know that you will not control her but you will find a best friend that will respect your boundries.


Sorry you got played, but its not your fault she has issues and the fact is you just might save this marriage by letting her go and stop asking her on dates.

A tactic that just might get her to think twice in what she is about to lose with the choices she makes.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

So I'm getting mixed signals, do I or don't I go for dinner this week? I felt I could use this time to let my wife know where the whole bestfriend role sits with me and gain some clarity on which way were going to go with this because there's no direction at all.

From her instagram page she also mentions of getting tattoos on her arms and getting a motorcycle? I don't know if she's doing that for attention because I never heard a peep of this during our tenure together.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

I would go to the dinner, but don't be the one to bring up the relationship stuff. You need to show her that you can be strong and that you dont need her to bring you happiness.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

We can’t tell you what to do. Ask a question here and you are going to get a range of opinions. You need to weigh them and decide what to do.

My opinion......I strongly agree with Peeps. You said that your W turns off when you bring up the relationship. Do you want her to walk out of the restaurant or refuse to have another date?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

No. Don't go. Why would you buy a cheating tramp dinner? File for divorce immediately and go dark on her. Stop talking to her and let your lawyer do the talking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

LostViking said:


> No. Don't go. Why would you buy a cheating tramp dinner? File for divorce immediately and go dark on her. Stop talking to her and let your lawyer do the talking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where does it say she cheated? She is ‘feeding off attention from random guys’ on Instigram. That hardly constitutes a ‘cheating tramp’.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

So if I bring up the relationship that show's weakness? Could I elaborate on the whole wanting me as a bestfriend? Can't I let her know that won't sit well with me? I know if we discussed the situation she wouldn't just up and walk out but shouldn't we address situation because were on a road with no direction. Lately on her Instagram page she's been more inclined to post things that has to do inspirational and self esteem quotes. A co worker of mines goes to the bank where she works and said she doesn't have that glow about her that she once had when we were together. She looked really tired and depressed. She could've fooled me because over the Internet she smiles like she's the happiest person alive but again I know social networks are mainly for show anyway.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Its not that it necessarily shows weakness, but you said yourself that she doesn’t want to talk about the relationship beyond being best friends. What do you think will happen when you say you want more? She may not walk out, but will she actually be listening?

Obviously you know her better than any of us. How would she take it if you brought it up as you said here. That you feel you’re on a road with no direction. You understand that she just wants to be friends. Your feelings are deeper and it would just hurt too much to be friends when you love her so much. Don’t plead or become emotional. Simply state it.  Tell her that the only solution that you can see is to let her go. See how she reacts. It sounds drastic, but it may let you see how she is feeling, and you don’t have to go through with it. 

On the other hand, actions are always better than words. Don’t bring it up. Show her that you are strong. Show her what she is walking away from. Enjoy the meal and her company. Make sure she enjoys yours. It may be too soon to have the discussion.

I’m not a marriage counsellor and am not comfortable giving you specific direction. Think about it. Discuss it with your counsellor (i think you said you were seeing one). Ultimately it is your decision.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

Thanks Frostflower. 

Well, whenever we talk about the marriage she just says the same thing, I can't come back but I've never addressed the bestfriend situation and let her know that it doesn't sit well with me. She never tells me she wants to be bestfriends when we talk by phone or in person only by text messages. I think she would listen if I told her how I felt about going on as bestfriends and working on R or letting her know I will just have to let her go. 

However, things have gotten really weird, she doesn't make alot of money and I guess she applied for a home loan, the agent emailed her and said she would need my SSN to run a credit report. She doesn't know that I saw the email but I highly doubt she can qualify for a home loan on her own. She's the type where, she tries to prove to people that I can do things on my own and I feel this is a situation where she wants to say I can get a house by myself. The real estate agent advised her that by still being married that my debt is still her debt until a divorce is final. She doesn't know my SSN so I'm sure she would try to ask me and give some random execuse why she needs it but I don't plan on providing it to her. I don't know if she is really trying to take it there and get a house or if she's doing this based on her emotions about the whole situation. A coworker went to the bank where my W works and said that glow about her is gone and she looked really tired and stressed even though her IG pictures would tell a different story like she's trying to put on a front for the social network world.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are you doing, Wheels?


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I will second that-wheels where are you?/ how are you doing?!!


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