# Wife problems, may lose her...help



## goldfish14 (Oct 18, 2009)

I am losing my mind.. I don't know what to do. Any advice, help appreciated. I am on my second marriage and love my wife Darcy to death. Previously I have been married to someone and had a son who is now 11. In my previous marriage I was married for 6 years and my ex had nervous breakdowns and decided to blame it all on me. She carried on an affair with another man and divorced me. We had a custody battle and I got what I wanted which was shared physical custody. My son Sam lives with me 1/2 of each week. When I met Darcy it was less than 6 months after my custody battle, and 1.5 years since my divorce. In 2002, Darcy was 21 when I met her and I was 31. I never thought anything would develop given our age difference but she moved in 2 months after we met as we fell in love. After a year, she started pushing me for marriage. I told her that I needed to wait because of what I had been through and that people change over time. She was very sad and continued to push throughout our relationship. It became a fight. She accused me of not loving her enough and I defended back stating I did love her but needed time. I had concerns, she was a total looker, very young and an illegal immigrant from Ecuador. I thought ok, I am successful, have a great job and could be being used. She was very spoiled by me and her lifestyle was pretty good with me. I felt that if she really loved me she would wait. in 2005, she gave me the ultimatum and we eloped and had a big wedding the following year. After getting married, I helped her to get a good job as a legal interpreter for the state. Problems started on the day I proposed, she was not surprised by my proposal, how could she have been after she gave me an ultimatum. I proposed to her on top of the Eifel Tower but she knew it was coming. What has followed is many, countless times of sadness over the years. Everytime there is a commercial, tv show or story on the news of a surprise wedding proposal she breaks into tears saying that she never had that and that it was her dream to have that happen to her. The Fairy tale proposal as she puts it. There is nothing I can say to make her feel better. It has made her very bitter towards me. We had a baby girl, 2 years ago and my daughter is amazing, I love her and my wife so much. The problem is we have no support system in place. No one to help out. My dad passed away before Darcy and I married and my mom has never been the same and has aged. We were hoping for some help from my mom but it is minimal at best. Darcy resents and hates my mom because she barely helps and does not visit much. My mom is older in her 70's and honestly doesn't have the energy to help. My wife doesn't buy it and expects me to put my mom in her place by really giving it to her. I have spoken to my mom and she has conveyed that she has health problems and is tired often. My wife pretty much has grown to hate me because of my nonsurprising proposal, me not putting my mom in her place. She is verbally abusive to me almost every day and even in front of our daughter as well as my son. She cries that I ruined her life and that when she see's other couples together having fun she is jealous that she could never get a man to love her enough to marry her without reservations. She pretty much hates that I was married before. She keeps saying she misses being single and that the only reason she is with me is because of our daughter. This past December, she went out late with friends and kissed another man that she had been flirting with at work. I found out through a friend, my wife cried to me at the time and said she would never do it again. It was very hard for me as my ex had cheated before. It also does not help that my wife dresses provocatively and goes out to nightclubs with her girlfriends twice a month. We went to an expensive therapist and we both felt he was a waste and he had us role play communication techniques. The therapist said I was perfect at it and asked if that was the way I normally communicated and my wife and I both said it was. My wife could use some help I think. I don't want to lose her and don't know what to do. I have told her that she should see a shrink and she states that it won't matter as she has lost all respect for me and hates me. She says that the only thing that she likes about me is that I am smart and a good father outside of that she hates me. Any advice????


----------



## FloridaGuy (Oct 17, 2009)

i think you should have her read this thread. maybe she will see how unrealistic she is being. i mean, how can she be upset by a proposal on the top of the Eiffel tower? 

i guess i shouldnt be surprised, i built a dream home for my wife and now we are on the brink of divorce just a few months after moving in

IMO, and i'm no expert, she needs to see a shrink to work out her own issues. maybe you need to be stern with her about it. 

i feel for you man i really do. i hope it all works out for you.


----------



## confusedyoungwifey (Oct 18, 2009)

I would have been happy with the Eiffel tower lol. My husband proposed while I was at my desk preparing our bills...isn't that romantic? Then his kids accompanied us on our honeymoon lol. She is being ridiculous.


----------



## goldfish14 (Oct 18, 2009)

Personally, I feel like she is being unreasonable but it is important to her whether I think she is wrong or right. Thus my situation is one where I really am trying to figure out what to do. In my opinion she just resents that I was married before and that it had an impact on what I did in our relationship.. waiting to make sure it was right. It also did not help that when I was married before, my mom used to help out a lot with my son and now she barely helps. My wife feels like my mom doesn't care about my daughter as much as my son from my previous marriage. She really expects me to slam my mom for this. It really hurts my wife. I disagree with my wife as my mom is older and honestly does love my daughter as much. Any advice anyone??


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Don't you think it is pretty obvious that she is acting like a spoiled child? It is a shame because you sound like you are really trying to do your best and she simply does not appreciate you or your efforts. I mean come on crying over the proposal? that is ridiculous. It seems like no matter what you do she will always want more. I am curious to know how her relationship with your son is like? I would guess that she is jealous of that.


----------



## FloridaGuy (Oct 17, 2009)

its sounds like most of the things she is complaining about are things she knew before she married you. 

i agree with the above post, sounds like shes spoiled and thats something she needs to work on herself

for the mom situation, thats a tough one. my first thought would be have your mother talk to her about her medical situation. but thats probably a bad idea bringing your mother into you and your wifes problem. maybe show her medical paper work of your moms, to show her that she does infact have health issues that prevent her from being overly active or whatever. like a doctors note or something. it might get her off your back on that issue


----------



## goldfish14 (Oct 18, 2009)

She has always got along with my son. She is a bit extreme on certain levels, big time neat freak, so if he leaves something out she gets very upset and lets me know. She is jealous that my mom helped out with my son when he was young and still does give him rides from time to time. My wife just feels like she is getting second rate treatment as it is my second time around. She always makes reference that this is what she gets for being the 2nd wife. She feels like she is less important and not getting my all and it hurts her. She always says i wish i married someone with no baggage, in other words, not previously married. She says,meaning herself, I wasn't good enough to find a man who wasn't married before who would love me. Then in her tirades she will say that she wants to find that man. I feel so sad as I feel really hurt because I do love her and don't know what to say. If I try to address it she just goes off and it gets worse as she starts saying I didn't love her enough to go with my heart and marry her right away like other men. This situation repeats itself so often especially when the tv is on. My god has anyone ever paid attention how often you see a guy on his knee on tv everyday? Well I can tell you it is almost everyday. She usually says that she is attracted to other men because she hasn't been hurt by them. Given this and that cheating incident in November, not to mention my exwife's infidelity, I am always anxious everytime she goes to work I don't know what to think, is she flirting with other guys. Is she cheating? I know if she looks hard enough it will happen as she is very very attractive and men check her out all the time. I am going crazy.


----------



## gardener1965 (Oct 20, 2009)

As far as the proposal goes, I can see her disappointment, but she brought it on herself by basically forcing you to propose. I think this happens a lot. Women don't give men time to do it on their own and then they are disappointed that it wasn't a surprise. I have to admit being guilty of that in my younger days. Maybe you could gently point this out to her. Could you surprise her with anything now? To help her see you do care about her? As for the problem with your Mom, I think she is being unfair, things change, families change. She really should try to get over these things, but you may have to try to be understanding of how she feels in order to help her. Feelings can't be helped, it is what we do about them that makes the difference.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, I don't know how to fix the proposal thing, honestly I think she blew it for herself lol. All I can suggest is that for one of the big anniversaries ( say 10 years) you could redo it and suggest renewing your vows as a symbol that you care. ( I do not think you did anything wrong the first time though)

The mom thing, yeah it isn't our parents or inlaws responsibility to help raise our children. I am military, I have raised both of my boys without any family help. They live to far away. For years at a time my husband is deployed and guess what, I still don't have any family help. I made my babies, I can take care of them myself. Granted, if someone in our family was offering to help I would be ecstatic, but I am not under the opinion it should be a requirement to be a good family member. 

I hope that things get worked out for you, but I definately see that it will be a struggle. Best of luck friend, and I hope that your wife realizes what she DOES have instead of always worrying about what she doesn't have.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Yes, she is behaving like a spoiled brat. My guess is that no proposal could ever measure up to the fantasy she built up in her mind. Sheesh, my H called me at work one day and asked me if I wanted to go get married the next day. We had a JOP and our 11 month old son was strapped to my H in his carrier. We ate at Subway afterwards. It did not matter to me HOW we got married....it matters that we ARE married. I don't even have an engagement ring because we could not afford one. 
If she goes and finds another man as she has threatened...then she will STILL have the same problems...it will be HER second time, and she will have a child by her first marriage. Trust me, she will find something horribly wrong with the man in this scenario too....he does not love her enough because she is a second hand wife, or she has a kid...
As for your Mom, she is SOOO out of line. My H and I have 2 boys, ages 2 and 4 and we live hundreds of miles from family...we do it all on our own. Your Mom is at an age where she probably cannot handle the care a young child takes. Your son is older, requiring less physical effort on her part. It could, quite honestly, be your W's horrible attitude that also keeps your Mom at a distance. Once again, your wife is being a spoiled brat expecting someone else to look after her child. 
You say she is quite beautiful, and I am betting that she has used that to her advantage most of her life. She wants to be catered to, put on a pedestal and treated like a princess. Thats great if you deserve it, but the actions you describe don't deserve the princess treatment.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You should be ashamed of yourself. 

Man to man. Sit down with your wife and tell her you are divorcing her. Tell her you want to give her the chance to go be happy. And then shut the f**k up. You have let this woman stomp on you for 4-5 years - of course she has no respect for you. The only shot you have at happiness is to totally change the dynamic here. 

If I had done what you are doing - this is what my old man would have asked me:

When they did the surgery to remove your balls - how much of your brain did they take as well?





goldfish14 said:


> I am losing my mind.. I don't know what to do. Any advice, help appreciated. I am on my second marriage and love my wife Darcy to death. Previously I have been married to someone and had a son who is now 11. In my previous marriage I was married for 6 years and my ex had nervous breakdowns and decided to blame it all on me. She carried on an affair with another man and divorced me. We had a custody battle and I got what I wanted which was shared physical custody. My son Sam lives with me 1/2 of each week. When I met Darcy it was less than 6 months after my custody battle, and 1.5 years since my divorce. In 2002, Darcy was 21 when I met her and I was 31. I never thought anything would develop given our age difference but she moved in 2 months after we met as we fell in love. After a year, she started pushing me for marriage. I told her that I needed to wait because of what I had been through and that people change over time. She was very sad and continued to push throughout our relationship. It became a fight. She accused me of not loving her enough and I defended back stating I did love her but needed time. I had concerns, she was a total looker, very young and an illegal immigrant from Ecuador. I thought ok, I am successful, have a great job and could be being used. She was very spoiled by me and her lifestyle was pretty good with me. I felt that if she really loved me she would wait. in 2005, she gave me the ultimatum and we eloped and had a big wedding the following year. After getting married, I helped her to get a good job as a legal interpreter for the state. Problems started on the day I proposed, she was not surprised by my proposal, how could she have been after she gave me an ultimatum. I proposed to her on top of the Eifel Tower but she knew it was coming. What has followed is many, countless times of sadness over the years. Everytime there is a commercial, tv show or story on the news of a surprise wedding proposal she breaks into tears saying that she never had that and that it was her dream to have that happen to her. The Fairy tale proposal as she puts it. There is nothing I can say to make her feel better. It has made her very bitter towards me. We had a baby girl, 2 years ago and my daughter is amazing, I love her and my wife so much. The problem is we have no support system in place. No one to help out. My dad passed away before Darcy and I married and my mom has never been the same and has aged. We were hoping for some help from my mom but it is minimal at best. Darcy resents and hates my mom because she barely helps and does not visit much. My mom is older in her 70's and honestly doesn't have the energy to help. My wife doesn't buy it and expects me to put my mom in her place by really giving it to her. I have spoken to my mom and she has conveyed that she has health problems and is tired often. My wife pretty much has grown to hate me because of my nonsurprising proposal, me not putting my mom in her place. She is verbally abusive to me almost every day and even in front of our daughter as well as my son. She cries that I ruined her life and that when she see's other couples together having fun she is jealous that she could never get a man to love her enough to marry her without reservations. She pretty much hates that I was married before. She keeps saying she misses being single and that the only reason she is with me is because of our daughter. This past December, she went out late with friends and kissed another man that she had been flirting with at work. I found out through a friend, my wife cried to me at the time and said she would never do it again. It was very hard for me as my ex had cheated before.  It also does not help that my wife dresses provocatively and goes out to nightclubs with her girlfriends twice a month. We went to an expensive therapist and we both felt he was a waste and he had us role play communication techniques. The therapist said I was perfect at it and asked if that was the way I normally communicated and my wife and I both said it was. My wife could use some help I think. I don't want to lose her and don't know what to do. I have told her that she should see a shrink and she states that it won't matter as she has lost all respect for me and hates me. She says that the only thing that she likes about me is that I am smart and a good father outside of that she hates me. Any advice????


----------



## Carmen (Oct 16, 2009)

Egads! It sounds like she may have married you for your money. I am sorry to say this, but my brother has been in a similar situation and I see the same signs. 

I don't think there is much you can do to win this woman's respect. Perhaps you should respect her less. I wouldn't necessarily divorce her because I suspect that is what she wants and she sounds like she would try to take you to the cleaners. I hope you can find ways to enjoy yourself without her company. Do you really want to love someone so shallow?

Try to develop some hobbies and make some new friends!


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

goldfish14 said:


> She cries that I ruined her life and that when she see's other couples together having fun she is jealous that she could never get a man to love her enough to marry her without reservations.


I'd be losing my mind too...First of all, her complaints are of things that cannot be changed....all of these things she knew prior to getting married and in fact, she forced the issue by issuing an ultimatum before you were truely ready. She seems very self-centered and not very empathetic towards your feelings.

You cannot and should not have to put demands on your mother. Again, your wife is acting very selfish and unempathetic.

Bottom line, if she cannot let go of her proposal fantasies and your history prior to meeting her (prior marriage where mom helped out) she will never be happy in the present.

She could be one of those couples having fun together....if she saw my h and I together she would probably think that about us...and he did not surprise me with an over the top proposal...I would venture to guess most happy couples she sees did not either...because they are happy just making their spouse happy...not focused on what they didn't get or aren't getting.


----------

