# Wife doesn't appreciate me



## HighPointMan

Hello,

I'm a new poster to the forums and I hope everyone is having a nice holiday season so far. I was until this morning when I was getting ready to go to work. I woke up on a what started out as a wonderful Christmas Eve. My wife was acting cute with the kids and I started to have that warm loving holiday feeling. Suddenly working on Christmas Eve didn't feel so bad. I went downstairs and started to help make my daughters breakfast. My wife and I were having a pleasant discussion about small stuff. Then I brought up something about my childs sectioned plates; she said they were made of some weird plastic that made them belong on the top rack. Since I'm not a plastics expert, I started asking questions. The more I asked, the more she seemed to get upset. Suddenly she snaps, tries to cut up my daughters waffle, screams at me about how she hates the sectioned plates (considering she picked them out herself), and basically throws my daughters breakfast at her (she is only 2).

My daughter didn't really know what was going on. She was hungry and wanted to eat. My wife then went on this cleaning spree and while acting very upset. I don't know what she was upset with. I got my lunch together, and got my stuff ready for work. I kissed my kids goodbye and went to say goodbye to my wife. When I approached her, she asked me why I was acting so strange. I told her that she was upset and she was scaring me, and I didn't know if I had done something to upset her. I was trying to get her to communicate with me.

Suddenly she snaps again and tells me that I hadn't done anything and that she's tired because she's been in "high gear" for 3 weeks. She's been busy on the computer ordering Christmas presents, and busy baking for all the family members and friends she said she'd bake for, and taking care of the kids. She then proceeds to tell me that I'm a self-centered egotistical jerk and that only I would turn this whole situation around and make it all about me. She does this to me regularly and always says that to me when I ask her if I've done something to upset her in an attempt to communicate and see whats going on in her head. I left for work very upset, and not feeling the Holiday warmth I was earlier in the morning.

Now my wife sits on the computer ALOT. She posts and chats on Baby Center all day and all night. She does take care of the kids and is an excellent mom to them for the most part when she's not stuck to her forums. However when its just me and her after the kids have gone to sleep, she sits on her computer and chats. I sit in the family room and watch TV. I try to talk to her by going into the office and talking to her but she's so involved with her forums that she doesn't even turn her head to acknowledge what I said to her.

I found this forum by Googling it. And I'm turning to it for advice. I know my wife is tired, but what am I supposed to do? I'm at work all day making money for the family so she can sit on the computer and read her forums. I'm out trying to get the bills paid and busting my butt. She thinks my job is easy since I work in IT and I'm good with computers but the job is very challenging and draining and she can't seem to understand that. 

I guess my question is, how should I handle my wife? I'm starting to think she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be around me even though she tells me so. And when we don't spend time together, its suddenly MY fault for not doing anything about it even though she basically ignores me when I try to talk to her. She thinks I take her for granted and don't appreciate her, but if that were the case, why would I go to work everyday and come straight home to spend time with my family? Why does she call me self centered when everything I do, I do for them?? I don't know what else to do. This type of situation is somewhat common in my household, and I view as a way of my wife manipulating me into changing some sort of behavior.

I'm a DJ on the side, and I play every 3 months. I have various hobbies to keep me sane in my family life. However, after today, with her snapping on Christmas Eve, I'm thinking about dropping all my hobbies and just sitting around and letting her boss me around. Seems like thats what she wants. I love my wife and my family and I want them to be happy. If having no hobbies other than work is what I need to do, then so be it. As long as my wife is happy.

Any advice would be awesome. If this continues for any longer I'm thinking of leaving her. I don't want to because I love my kids and love seeing them everyday. But her attitude towards everything is starting to push me away from her.

Anyhow, thanks for listening to me gripe. Happy Holidays. Hope its happy for me.


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## Amplexor

Your problem appears to be perception on both sides. Neither of you appear to appreciate the other’s efforts in a way that you understand. I am reading between the lines here but your appreciating her work at home is not recognized by her because you work your butt off and come home on time every night. Your wife sees you as a self centered, egotistical jerk. Unless you think she is completely off her nut, you need to spend time in self reflection to see what characteristics give her that impression. Try to see it from her POV. In reading your post I simply see a lack of appreciation for her work at home. Or maybe a lack in your abilities to express them. Sorry you're asking for advice here you know. On the flip side her constant activity on the baby forum is not helping. She is withdrawing and escaping life at home in doing this. It is not helping because it gives her an out to not communicate with you. She too needs to appreciate your efforts and understand your feelings. Usually when some one becomes unglued about something as simple as a divided plate there is something much deeper bothering them. I suspect most of your conflicts come from incidents like this and that you don’t really get to the real issues. 

First off, you need to have uninterrupted time to discuss what is bothering each of you. No TV, PC or distractions. The conversations must reflect empathy for each other. 

Second I’d suggest you read the Five Languages of Love. Your situation seems to be a perfect fit for it. It will help you both speak and appreciate each other in the language you each understand. 

Finding the core problem(s) and communications are the keys for you. In the meantime, get into the Christmas spirit and enjoy the kids and family. Best of luck.


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## HighPointMan

Thanks Amp,

I know that I do or rather don't do things to express that I do appreciate her efforts around the house. Also a little update on things, she did email me just now and let me know why she blew up and told me it has to do a lot with how her mother was during the holiday season.

I definitely read the Five Languages of Love as you suggested and see what it has to offer. Honestly, I probably painted a picture of our relationship being very weak and on the rocks. I was emotional when I was typing the post but I was just letting everything out as it was in me. 

Thanks again for the advice Amp, and I will definitely try those things. Especially peeling her off the computer and me off the TV and having a nice conversation about stuff.


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## Amplexor

Good to hear the marriage isn’t “on the rocks”, so it is the perfect time to start to try to improve things. Good luck and Merry Christmas.


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## HisSummerRose

Highpointman ... I will be praying for you both. I use to spend a lot of time in the beginning on the computer too a lot of time it even got me into trouble too with the family & my husband so I made a big change and so things are so much better all around.

So, yes ... make sure that when the CHILDREN go to bed that U take time for you both ... discuss the day, what things you would like to see happen in the coming year. Just make sure the computer is OFF and you have time for you both ...

:smthumbup: If it helps I am here praying for you both and I am here if you need a friend to talk with !!!

{{ hugs & blessings }}


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## HisSummerRose




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## michzz

Your wife snapped at you because she is an irrational person living with a rational person.

When you started asking questions about the stupid plates it bugged her because to her, someone who feels inferior to you intellectually since all she has is baby forums and baking, you were interrogating her about valid reasons for placing plates inn the dishwasher. As if, to her, her word about the plates was not enough for you to believe her and just put the plates on the correct part of the dishwasher.

So this person, stuck in the intellectually stupifying environment of baby caring and baking for relatives, sees you, who really doesn't give a rip about the plates, as someone who is now questioning her entire being---so she goes off on you as result of her extrapolation of the plates to everything.

There is no way she sees you going to work and coming home as merely for her, your showing of your affection for her by earning a paycheck? She takes your efforts for granted.

It bugs her that you believe that she sits on the internet all day while you are gone----regardless of this being true or not.

Because she sees her life of baby caring and baking (baking being all domesticity) as an unrelieved drudgery that she cannot admit to experiencing.

And further, you getting to go do things like Djing gives you an out, something fun that she does not get to have.

Maybe you ought to try to empathize with what she is up against. And realize she is feeling downtrodden and inferior to you.

This emotional upset she has? It is not something you experience because you are a rational person. She is not.

I'm not suggesting she is disturbed. I'm not. I'm saying she is irrational because she leaps to illogical conclusions and is feeling under duress because of of her familial obligations.

Your apparent calm about your responsibilities just adds to her annoyance and wish for you to take over those responsibilities from her.

Seems rather a lot to infer from a plate argument eh?


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## masterblaster

All men my age seem to have the same complaint about their wives. Not just friends mind you, but guys at work, the gym, at church, everywhere. It seems a big problem is lack of appreciation by woman of their husbands. I'm not talking about derelict a-holes, but decent, hardworking guys who want their wives to be happy and fulfilled. Who help around the house, with the kids, and are unappreciated no matter. Seems like woman for the most part are very selfish with no room for empathy for their men. When was the last time your wife expressed thanks or commendation for YOUR efforts? For myself and most guys not lately. I've had this discussion with my wife, and she only seems to become defensive instead of actually listening to my concerns. If woman were really smart, they would let us know occasionally how much we are appreciated, as opposed to downgrading or ignoring what we do. 
That reconfirms our lives and they would be surprised how much more they would get in return....


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## crskance2807

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, its sad how this lack of appreciation for husbands seems to have become the norm now. Women expect men to think and act like they do and completely forget that they're GUYS. You have done all the things to support and love your wife in the way that husbands know how to do, and your wife hasn't been able to see that. She is expecting you to be an affectionate, devoted husband _and_ support the family, without having to give any affection or appreciation in return. Its great that she works so hard to be a good mother, but what is she teaching the kids about a healthy marriage when she doesn't show them how important their dad is to keeping the family together? Don't give up your hobbies for her, you'll find yourself more miserable than before and wanting out of the relationship. If she is unhappy with you for doing them, she needs to set time aside for herself to do something she enjoys. If you can, offer to watch the kids so she can have some release, or hire a babysitter and enjoy doing something together. If you have a hard time talking with her, see if she'd be willing to read some books together on better communication in marriage. On a whim I read, "The proper care and feeding of husbands," by Laura Schlessinger, and now have so much appreciation for my husband and love for who he is. "Men are from mars, women are from venus," is supposed to be great too. I hope you and your wife can work with each other and find some understanding. marriage takes so much hard work but it can be the most rewarding joy, when both are willing to devote to it.


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