# Need advise on mental counseling for my wife



## Mongoose (Aug 28, 2012)

Hello I am a deployed soldier in Afghanistan, and my wife and I have been through quite a bit in our short five year marriage. I need help trying to get my wife mental health assistance. 

I will tell you I am not perfect myself I have PTSD and was diagnosed in 2008 with this. It has only complicated our relationship and has not helped her but only opened old past traumatic events for her. 

She was abused as a child by her father who was a drug addict and alcoholic. My wife was never beaten by her father, that she has told me of at least. But she was a witness to the physical abuse her mother went through on an almost daily basis. I know this has scared her mentally. My wife had two relationships that she was in that she was physically abused in her self. One being an ex-husband that she has a child with, and another that is dead now but was a drug abuser and at one point threatened to kill her. She had moved past those past events in her life and she is a very educated woman, very loving and loves her children dearly.

But, when I came home from Iraqi after we had just gotten married I had PTSD and was lashing out at my family to include my wife... which I regret and wish I had never done so. I had an affair with another woman a year after I had gotten out of the army this destroyed her. she had put so much faith and trust in to me and I betrayed that trust. I continued this pattern for a while. trying to not reconnect with my family in many different ways. such as online porn and actually physical sexual activity, as well as being just mean to her and at times treating her pretty bad.

I still don't know why she has not left me but, I have been making a change and have been seeking help and getting help for myself. which for the past three years has opened me back up to my family allowing me to try and reconnect with my wife and children. again another but, my wife has be through allot because of me. Mainly I think I have opened up past events in her life and don't know how to help her with those and what I have put her through.

I really need advice as to where I need to go to seek help for her and get her the proper treatment that she deserves and needs. I am military so I have access to allot of different resources were as my wife does not. I need to ether find non-profit or providers that do pro bono work for military spouses. I have no idea where to look or even where to start. any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance!


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Mongoose, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you and your W are going through such painful experiences. I am hopeful that KathyBatesel, among others on this forum, will have some helpful suggestions about treatment options. Kathy was a professional therapist before she retired. Can we assume she would be treated here in the USA?


----------



## Mongoose (Aug 28, 2012)

Thank you uptown greatly appreciate it!  its been a hard road that we've been on but I know things will get better with time and help.


----------



## Mongoose (Aug 28, 2012)

and yes it would be in the states, in alabama to be exact. didnt see that last part to your post before sorry about that.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Start here and see if they can get you referred to someone:

Alabama Counseling Association


----------



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Google community mental health center or community service board for the county you live. Many areas have centers that offer pro bono or sliding scale services.


----------



## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

Mongoose

If you are active duty and your wife is entered into DEERS; your wife should be able to get a referral for mental health counseling but she may need a referral from her primary care physician. 

Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System (DEERS) | Military.com

Military one source may have suggestions where you wife can get help. Below is the section from the Military One Source web site regarding counseling,

http://www.militaryonesource.mil/MO...0.0.0,23.50.30.20.50.30.0.0.0,261734,Articles

If she is close to a military base, they will likely have social workers (the Navy has Fleet and Family Services) and the Army should have a similar program. 

Also military chaplains may be helpful; my experience with military chaplains is that some are very skilled and helpful but this talent varies amoung individuals so your wife may need to seek out one who she feels comfortable with.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Several things come to my mind as I read your post, Mongoose. 

First, I'm confused as to why you're trying to get "her" help. If you're working on your issues as you say you are, how does your own therapist recommend you go about your situation with your wife? Have you considered inviting your wife to come with you to your sessions?

It's really asking for a problem if you're trying to prompt her into counseling she doesn't want after all that has happened. Those abuse issues have a lot to do with control, and she's likely to respond poorly if she thinks you are trying to control her. My gut tells me that this is a very real possibility.

Second, it has been a long time since I was doing counseling, but it was while I was on Active Duty for the Army, and marriage counseling could be obtained on post. I imagine it still can even if you are deployed, especially given your PTSD diagnosis. 

Even after I was out of the Army, I was married to a military man (up until 2008) and the way I could have gotten treatment would have depended on whether we were enrolled in TriCare standard or prime. For standard, she MUST seek care at an approved facility, which is often at the on-post hospital. For prime, your options are wide open, but you have to pay a cost-share. 

I think Patrick's suggestion about the Chaplain is also a good one.


----------



## Mongoose (Aug 28, 2012)

thank you for ur replies. 

patric, those are all good ideas but the military aint so nice to spouses my wife has tried military one source and she only gets like 8 vists total that she is allowed, which is sad. we do not live close to a military base since i am in the guard this time which is even worse then active duty pretty much squat when it comes down to it.

chaplins are ok if u just want some one to talk to or gleen some info from but i already been there and done that and get directed to onesource.

she is on tricare prime now so i dont realy know how that works off post. she wants the help. and i want to help and show her i do care. even if its just sending an email or some such. 

taking my wife with me to my therapy or counseling kinda sounds crazy to me. she really doesnt know much of what happen to me over there or what is happening here. i think it would scare her to death or make her feel bad if i did that. i know i will have to go to counseling pretty much for the rest of my life because of that stuff,8 this im pretty sure of.

i really just dont know what to do. she wants help and i know she has been given the run around before i just want to stop that and get straight to the nitty gritty. i know we need marriage counseling, i have counseling provided by va and the army, but my wife falls in to the spouse end and i know she gets **** on allot for options. 

i mean if ur previous military army u should know... spouses get dumped on and health care is pretty sucky unless u have ur own health insurance which an enlisted person such as myself cant aford. it blows i wish i could but im a low man on the green shaft of the army so pay aint officer pay or even close.

and im not an expert about tricare an how that works.

i mean heck im trying, i dont know what else to do.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

As I'm thinking about it, I'm wondered if I was confused about Prime vs. Standard. One of them requires you to seek an approved facility, and one doesn't. I looked them up at http://tricare.mil/mybenefit/PlanCo...ICARE+Prime&plan_2=TRICARE+Standard+and+Extra and found that it's the reverse of what I said. Standard costs a bit more, but with either plan the maximum cost is $1000 per year for a single course of treatment like mental health. If you're not near a military post, review the information at TRICARE Beneficiaries Plan Finder and then call DEERS to make it happen.

When I say about going to your sessions with you, I don't mean as an observer of some kind. It seems like your PTSD and your behaviors have had a huge impact on your marriage. Why would it be crazy to talk about this together with your counselor? Then your counselor could help her find someone to counsel her separately or perhaps make that referral if your Tricare plan requires it.


----------



## Patrick1959 (Jul 16, 2012)

Mongoose

With TRICARE Prime; to see a specialist (that must be in the the TRICARE network) she will need a referral from her PCM (Primary care manager, usually a primary care physician but sometimes a nurse practitioner or a physician's assistant). 

TRICARE Standard does not require a referral and you are not limited to someone in the TRICARE Network. There is a deductable with TRICARE standard and also a co-payment but once a catastrophic limit is reached the billing ends. 

TRICARE works very well for people who are healthy and live in areas where there is good access to medical care but those with chronic, or complicated medical conditions often find that TRICARE Standard works better; likewise those who are in remote areas may find that TRICARE standard works better. 

It may be helpful for your wife to speak with your counseler to learn how she can be supportive without participating in therapy that would likely do her more harm than good. I agree that it is best to keep your PTSD counseling separate from your wife's counseling; you don't want to transfer combat related experiences to a spouse who may have difficulty coping with this knowledge. All of the Navy Psychiatrist who I know caution patients about sharing combat related experiences with spouses or other family members. If you need to find someone to share experiences outside of therapy the American Legion or the Veterans of Foreign Wars organizations are probably better choices than family members or good friends without similar experiences.


----------

