# met someone, need to tell her the truth



## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

I signed up on a dating site to meet new friends. Well yesterday I sent a message to a girl that caught my eyes and she sent me a message back. I couldnt talk long but we talked on there for a few minutes and I told her that I was going to meet a friend for lunch. I asked her if I could give her my number but she sent me hers instead. I told her that I would text her later as I did. We texted for about 4 hours about getting to know you stuff. 

She is a christian and is involved heavily in a church which is great, I am also.

If you read my other threads you will be able that I am legally separated but still married. We have talked about everything in the world. I have already decided that my marriage is over with no chance of reconciling. I have not heard from my wife since the day that she has left and no longer care to hear from her.

I have done alot of thinking about this today and I do want to tell the new girl the situation. I want her to find out sooner than later. We have really connected my text and I dont want to hurt her feelings. I am going to be open and honest about my marriage and explain to her that its over with no chance of getting back together.

I just dont know how to tell her the easy/honest way without.

I know that biblically its not right but I dont want to hurt her feelings and still want to remain friends.

How do I tell her?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The conversation will come up sooner or later when you're dating her, if you want to let it out sooner, just bring up and tell her. Not really rocket science.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You're certainly not being very honest or forthright with this gal or, for that matter, with even yourself! Tell this girl, posthaste about your covert misrepresentation. You, at least, owe her that much. 

Now if she's comfortable with the truth of your explanation, then so be it. But if she is not, then just get the divorce finished first and date later. After all, people on dating websites generally are totally single and greatly expect their contacts to be totally single as well!*


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *You're certainly not being very honest or forthright with this gal or, for that matter, with even yourself! Tell this girl, posthaste about your covert misrepresentation. You, at least, owe her that much.
> 
> Now if she's comfortable with the truth of your explanation, then so be it. But if she is not, then just get the divorce finished first and date later. After all, people on dating websites generally are totally single and greatly expect their contacts to be totally single as well!*



I do want to be honest with her but I want to do it in person. I have gone through the emotions of a separation and starting to miss the companionship. We have only been talking as friends and I was going to tell her in person if she wanted to meet up with me. Im not one to play games with women and deffinately dont lie to them.I just dont want to ruin a friendship over this since we have connected a little bit


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Then meet up and tell her


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What do you have as your marital status on your dating site profile? If you were honest in your profile, she will already know, surely?

When I was single, separated was still married and I wouldn't even go there. (a) Because I didn't want to get caught up in someone's unfinished business; and (b) Because someone who is in the throes of a separation / divorce usually needs time out before pursuing a new relationship.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

its posted as single because that where I feel like I am with my separation.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2005tahoe said:


> its posted as single because that where I feel like I am with my separation.


I can understand that you might feel that way, but to many people separated is still married...

I think you need to tell her your situation before meeting up with her.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

all we have done is text. I just met her yesterday. We havnt talked on the phone at all.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

2005tahoe said:


> I do want to be honest with her but I want to do it in person. I have gone through the emotions of a separation and starting to miss the companionship. We have only been talking as friends and I was going to tell her in person if she wanted to meet up with me. Im not one to play games with women and deffinately dont lie to them.I just dont want to ruin a friendship over this since we have connected a little bit


I met my SO on a dating site, and he was listed as single. I had gone on several dates and was already falling for him when I found out the truth... He was separated, not yet divorced. He's _still_ not yet divorced because of some complicated financial issues with his ex (although this is getting resolved this month, and is finally getting the wheels in motion for making the D official).

Tell her now, so she has a choice on whether or not to even meet you. This has been a HUGE deal to me as a religious person, and while I love my SO dearly, love our life together and don't regret the choices I've made, the fact that I go to bed with another woman's husband every night weighs very heavy on me. 
It's not a good place to begin a relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Tell her now. The longer you deceive her, the less likely she is to take a chance with you. Also, it is too soon for you to be attached to any woman. I'm not talking religiously but phychologically. It worrisome that you have become so emotionally invested in someone you have never met. 

There is a danger of you getting heavily involved with the first woman who shows you attention. That's definaty no good for you. Be honest and don't lie. On many levels, it will get you nowhere. You present a false self to women you meet and you compromise the values I assume you have. 

Wait until you have things settled with your wife. You will be much more likely to meet someone with the same qualities as you should have. But your qualities have to be good, no lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I can understand that you might feel that way, but to many people separated is still married...
> 
> I think you need to tell her your situation before meeting up with her.


This.

Tell her NOW before you meet her. 

To many people (myself included) separated means MARRIED.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I get where you guys are coming from, sort of, so I mean no harm by this, but...

Where I'm from, a divorce can't be granted until 1 year following the separation date (which has to be agreed upon by both parties, and then lawyered up).

I don't think it's all that different elsewhere?

So basically, those of you who are religious, (and some of you who are not, but don't believe that separated=single) are you saying you shouldn't date during this period of time? Legally you're still married, but imo, you're no longer "married".

(and for the record, OP should definitely get this info out there asap, no question).


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

You need to tell her before you go any further. Do the right thing, not the right thing for you.

For some people that is a dealbreaker and for others ... not so much. 

I am likely going to divorce my wife. We are not separated currently but we had separated a few years ago. At this point, I am only waiting for some things to play out before I file (much easier this time than my original separation). She is a fundamentalist christian and I am not religious. I guarantee you that she will date sooner than I will, certainly before the divorce is final, and she will date christian men. So ... you never know how she will respond.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

alexm said:


> I get where you guys are coming from, sort of, so I mean no harm by this, but...
> 
> Where I'm from, a divorce can't be granted until 1 year following the separation date (which has to be agreed upon by both parties, and then lawyered up).
> 
> ...


I'm definitely not saying he shouldn't date at all, but until that divorce is finalized, he's NOT single legally, and I feel that needs to be spelled out before any dates take place.
Especially if he's looking for someone who is religious. 

It CAN be a deal breaker, and it's my feeling that any potential dates have the right to know information like this prior to getting involved with someone.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

So, you're separated. Have you actually filed for divorce? Or not? Regardless, you need to tell her the truth now, not later. Separated status truly matters for some, who won't date you. Many others don't care as long as it's real and irreconcilable.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> I'm definitely not saying he shouldn't date at all, but until that divorce is finalized, he's NOT single legally, and I feel that needs to be spelled out before any dates take place.
> Especially if he's looking for someone who is religious.
> 
> It CAN be a deal breaker, and it's my feeling that any potential dates have the right to know information like this prior to getting involved with someone.


Yes, exactly right. 

This is assuming that the separation is a legal separation resulting from the filing of divorce. I would feel differently if it was not a legal separation.

It's up to OP to decide whether he's ready to date. For me personally, it would be a no go if I thought there was even a 1% chance of reconciliation before the divorce is final. In any case, it is the only fair and right thing to do to make sure that any potential date is aware of his status.

In my state the waiting period is only 60 days. I will wait it out but the time is short and I will need that time for myself anyway. In states where the waiting period is one year, people might be more open to dating someone who is legally separated. I don't think it completely precludes him from dating ... a lot of people will be ok with that, even some who are christian.

btw ... same goes if you are still living with the person for whatever reason (financial, children, etc.), before or after divorce ... disclosure.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> So, you're separated. Have you actually filed for divorce? Or not? Regardless, you need to tell her the truth now, not later. Separated status truly matters for some, who won't date you. Many others don't care as long as it's real and irreconcilable.


There is a big difference ... a legal separation requires a financial commitment. In my state, you still have to go through much of the same "rigmarole" as you would for processing a divorce.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I'm sorry but if you were really interested in just meeting friends, you would have gone onto meetup for groups, not a dating site.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I'd tell her ASAP...it should be right out in the open...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Be open and honest with her, let her know that you are separated and that there is not chance of going back, give her the time-frame and what you felt was the downfall in the marriage. One thing I hate to hear is men blaming their wives for everything and not taking any responsibility for the downfall of the marriage. Be responsible and face your part and be open with her about it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Some people may not care. Due to my ex dragging his feet we were legally separated for 4 years before the final divorce granted. I considered myself 'single'. Apparently he did too as he was living common-law for 2 of those 4 years. Soooo she might be like me or she might come from the side you are legally married so hands off. I personally would rather be told BEFORE meeting. And in future change status to separated on your profile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> So, you're separated. Have you actually filed for divorce? Or not? Regardless, you need to tell her the truth now, not later. Separated status truly matters for some, who won't date you. Many others don't care as long as it's real and irreconcilable.


I was served legal papers just a month after she abandoned me. In South Carolina you have to be separated for a year before a divorce can be granted.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

2005tahoe said:


> its posted as single because that where I feel like I am with my separation.


Then in the eyes of the law and iif you consider what the bible teaches -- youve lied.

You need to be fully transparent with any new lady coming along. You clearly see that you want a new life with someone else then get the divorce sorted. By single in all terms and then advertise that you are.

meeting someone then suddenly having to tell them "im not single, Im married " may not be the right way to start an open and honest relationship


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Pault said:


> Then in the eyes of the law and iif you consider what the bible teaches -- youve lied.
> 
> You need to be fully transparent with any new lady coming along. You clearly see that you want a new life with someone else then get the divorce sorted. By single in all terms and then advertise that you are.
> 
> meeting someone then suddenly having to tell them "I'm not single, I'm married " may not be the right way to start an open and honest relationship


*This brazenly reminds me of my XW, who not too awfully long after our separation and almost two years prior to any sustained divorce decree, had listed herself as being "divorced" on her FB page.

Now what exactly would you think that her primary motivation in doing that was? *


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In my world separated means married, period. I wouldn't even care to be involved with someone less than a year out of a marriage, but that is more of a case by case thing. You're not single, and to list yourself as such is deceptive. I get your predicament though, you're in limbo for the time being. Tell her now, you should have already told her. She may not care when she hears the details, but she deserves the option to decide for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Other factors aside, I've heard of too many incidents of people dating separated people, then being harassed by the bunny boiler STBX - even being accused of having been responsible for the break up of the marriage.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

To me, the issue isn't really whether you're legally separated or married. The issue is that you are currently presenting yourself as something that you are not. You are not single- you are separated.

From your post it sounds like you really want to meet this woman in person to tell her the truth. That is a HUGE RED FLAG to a woman with healthy boundaries. It is as if you want to meet her so you can convince her that you are really a good guy, this was just a misunderstanding, etc.

In other words- it looks like you put up a false status (you are actually not single) in order to get something you want (e.g. possible dates, because many women won't go on dates with married or separated men.)

Emotionally healthy/aware women will not date a man who demonstrates that he is willing to misrepresent himself to get something that he wants. 

Your best bet right now IMO is to tell her right away that you are truly separated, not yet single. I think it is fine to tell her that you're new the online dating world and you're still learning how it works, but you wanted to clear up your true status right away. This shows that you are not a dishonest person, that you simply made a rookie error.

I would also very quickly update your profile with your real status. You might indicate that you are in the year-long separation that is required by law before divorce, and that there is no going back for you; I think many people would understand that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2005tahoe said:


> I signed up on a dating site to meet new friends*. Well yesterday* I sent a message to a girl that caught my eyes and she sent me a message back.
> 
> We have talked about everything in the world.


Really? In the whole WORLD? Like you being married?

Dude. Chill. You just "Text Met" yesterday. You don't know this chick at all. For all you know, she is a he or a grandma from the Phillipines. Or a Justin Beiber lookalike typing/texting you from his homeroom class. 

You don't know jack about this person. And they clearly don't know jack about you.

Like the fact that you are MARRIED.

So just tell the Text Person you are married and call it a day.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

You talked about everything in the world but she didn't ask you how long you've been divorced?? That's odd.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> You talked about everything in the world but she didn't ask you how long you've been divorced?? That's odd.


Yeah, that would be something I'd be curious about right out the gate. It would definitely come up during that first long "getting to know you" conversation.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, that would be something I'd be curious about right out the gate. It would definitely come up during that first long "getting to know you" conversation.


Unless the OP continued the 'single' stance throughout the conversation and didn't even mention a prior marriage at all.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

I didnt mention it. She hasnt asked either. I didnt put it on my profile b/c like the other poster said, a rookie mistake, plus I didnt want alot of questions asked about why I was separated.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

2005tahoe said:


> I didnt mention it. She hasnt asked either. I didnt put it on my profile b/c like the other poster said, a rookie mistake, plus I didnt want alot of questions asked about why I was separated.


She hasn't asked because it's not on your profile and thus, not even on her radar. 

That's why you need to come clean with her.


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

EntirelyDifferent said:


> She hasn't asked because it's not on your profile and thus, not even on her radar.
> 
> That's why you need to come clean with her.


I sent her a text earlier and asked if I could call her later. She is a nanny for a family and is going out to eat for the fathers birthday. I hope that she accepts that and we can remain friends and talk.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm glad you have decided to tell her. If she decides not to carry on, she is being smart. Her choice is about her not you. 

Now you have to be honest from now on. If you present a false self, you are likely to be deceived too. You wouldn't want that to happen to you so don't do it to any woman you meet.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

The problem is not your marital status. It's your lack of honesty and transparency. 
Right away, this gal will have learned that you are not totally forthcoming, and that is what does not bode well. 
You may not like or agree with your current awkward relationship status, but it's the truth, and the more clearly you present your own true facts without editing, the more trustable you are. We all carry baggage... weird stuff.... skeletons tucked away somewhere.... what creeps most of us out, though, is having that stuff twisted and covered up and rationalized away by someone. 
Present the truth and let other people make their own decisions on THAT basis. That's respectful. 
Let her be the judge of what is right for her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who has been separated for awhile... Some people are very against dating someone who's not divorced/truly single, others are fine with it. Chances are, you'll get a pass on it if your story sounds good. But it may cause more questions (as a small red flag) than just putting down "separated" as a status would have.

If I was looking again, even though I've been separated for almost three years and there hasn't been a single word or reconciliation in that time and we haven't even talked on the phone in that time, that I can recall, I'd still put down separated. If that caused someone to hesitate in looking at my profile, well it would cause that much more resistance when the full facts came out. So might as well weed out the "no separatists" right from the get go. And you ARE separated. Whether it's a legal separation or not, you're in that limbo land of being married and not with your spouse.

Just my $0.02... I hope she takes it well, and you never have to deal with the question again! 

C


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

Great news!!! She was shocked but completely understood my story. She did as some questions about why and I told her the truth about it. I made a promise to her that I would never lie to her or hide anything from her. We talked on the phone for four hours after that to get to know each other. She really appreciated the honesty and coming forward about it now instead of later. She asked if I had kids in which I don't. I have neve carried on a conversation for hours with someone like I did her last night. I deffinately don't need to rush this but I feel connected to her every time we talk by text or on the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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