# Another step closer to divorce



## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

So, once again, been out of town for work, come back and she is treating me like crap again. This time I tried to do things around the house and still she treats me like the biggest SOB in the world.

So I told her they could go back home for Thanksgiving by themselves and that I would look for an apartment before they get back to town. I do not think she believed me. I am so done. Tired of being made to feel like **** for working 60-70 hrs in one week while she spends it all. Kicker of it all is that I actually took her vehicle to carmax to see if we could trade it because she does not like it. I am a !#[email protected]%%@ easy mark.

I hate my job, I hate being away from her and the kids. But all she cares about is my giving her $$$$. Some days I just want to take a nap on the train tracks and not get up. I know, pathetic, but I am just tired of hurting.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So while she is gone away, get your butt to your lawyers office and file, file, file! And file for child custody while you're at it*


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Yeah, well talked to a lawyer about a month or so ago. Lawyer basically said I am screwed. I work out of town 50% of the time so I will not get custody, period. Since I make between 6 and 7 times what wife makes, I am going to get hosed in alimony and since we have been married 20 years, alimony is a given. Basically lawyer said to live with it until kids hit 18 and since wife is in school, maybe she will be earning more by then and the alimony will not be that bad.

So, yeah, my life basically sucks and I am in love with someone who treats me worse than a slave. We talked for a while a few weeks ago and she asked me why I stayed for so long, considering how she treats me. I told her because I love her and the kids and my life is worthless without them. So she knows she can treat me like **** and I will never leave. 

She says God provides all she needs. So God must really hate me because all I need is her and God has not given me her heart. If ya'll will excuse me, I think I am going to go have a pity party!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well, can you get a different job and start working on the marriage? Maybe go 180 and read a few good books (No More Mr. Nice Guy, Married Man's Sex Primer 2011?) that might help and see if anything changes?


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Yea your lawyer is pretty much said it. Easy case for them. 
Are you sure you are done and don't want to try? I asked because I am the 'wife' who works long hours, travel A LOT. It is obviously important for her that you stay local  Simple enough if you want to make it work, find a job locally and tell her that means less income. But.. if this is going to make you unhappy, and she just don't and won't try to understand. The kicker is... she or nobody else would ever understand how hard you work and how tired it is to fly here and there all damn days to bring home the bacon so everyone is taken care of... unless they have been there themselves. 

So...while your ego might be telling you do split. Yea you will have to support her and if you have any children and you will have NO custody of any children simply because your job requires 'travel' that is consider 'not normal'... unfortunately! 

I do know guys who decide to pay up and give up everything, and it is worth it to be happy, right?


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I have looked for work locally. Unfortunately, as much as she says the money is not important, she pitches a fit if I even comment about a job that pays less than I am making. She was fine and dandy until the bottom dropped out in 2008. Then she started becoming colder and colder because I took such a pay cut that she actually had to work. So now when I suggest a local job with less money she pitches a "poor pitiful me, I guess I will have to drop out of school because we will not be able to afford it with you taking that much of a pay cut" trip at me. So, ummm, yeah. She is a piece of work and right now, I am so hurt by her that I cannot see straight. And she just keeps stabbing me straight in the heart.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I've gotta ask, how determined are you to get a job? How long have you been without a job?

In my experience, women are completely incapable of respecting a man who is not gainfully employed (or otherwise financially secure) and the longer he goes without employment, the worse it will get. She becomes increasingly frustrated and resentful over what she views as his failure as a man, being incapable of serving his most basic responsibility of providing for his family, and the hardships she and the family must endure as a result of that failure. That frustration and resentment quickly filters into every area of the relationship for her. She'll nag him, be quick to anger, feel embarrassed and ashamed, etc. For him, he'll feel like all she ever does is talk about his failure to get a job, complain about his efforts, express dissatisfaction with his prospects, etc. He'll feel hurt over the lack of support and begin to feel like he is being used, like she only see's him as a paycheck and nothing more.

That sort of sounds like your situation.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Wrongo, CDBaker. Had a job after a month out of work. Spent the next year making way less than I did prior to crash (say $8-10/ hr). Got Job at $4/ hr more than first job post crash, worked that job so well that they transferred me to position that required me to work 50% travel with average of between 60 and 70 hrs a week on travel weeks. This year I have actually made MORE than I did when everything crashed. But I had to trade time at home for that. And I hate it with a passion. But she is more in love with the money than she is with me. She claims she loves me, but treats me like crap when I am home. And it has literally been a year since… Because she just does not feel interested. We went away a few weeks ago for the night. Got the best room at a 5 star hotel but she pulled away every time I so much as hugged her. And the kicker was that it was her idea to go!!!!! Do I feel used, hell yes. She wanted a vacation and I #!$#[email protected] paid for it with my hotel points!


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Dammit! Cdbaker is right! It's not so much about the money, it is about the willingness to support and step up to the game as a partner so to speak. Sounds like you provide the basics. 
Maybe you should talk to her about how you feel... not sure if that make any sense to you since you know how women are the ones who 'wants to talk'. Tell her right out you don't feel she understand how hard it is you work to provide for her and see how she react?


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

crushedandbroken said:


> So I told her they could go back home for Thanksgiving by themselves and that I would look for an apartment before they get back to town.
> 
> I hate my job, I hate being away from her and the kids. But all she cares about is my giving her $$$$. Some days I just want to take a nap on the train tracks and not get up. I know, pathetic, but I am just tired of hurting.


Here's a thought....if you're willing to do something so drastic as to get an apartment, which is one step closer to the beginning of the end, why not try harder to get a job that would put you home at night, and see if that changes anything, for the better or worse. Then you can look back as you're walking away (which you will likely have to do, since it seems like she really doesn't care) then you will have piece of mind that you tried. You'll also have a job that's put you closer to the kids, for at least shared custody, AND that job you hate will become a distant memory. If I was willing to walk away and end it, I'd be willing to tell her to shut it about the money you lose by working closer to home.
Good luck...only you can make the choices and the changes that you feel are right for YOU.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I apologize crushedandbroken, I wasn't trying to insinuate that you haven't worked hard for your family, didn't try hard enough to get a job or a better job, or anything of that nature. I was just curious because if any of that was the case, then her behavior would be far more reasonable. I also have had a couple of friends who have found themselves in that situation which created enormous marital problems with their wives. (Don't get me started on how this country's unemployment system actively encourages the unemployed to REMAIN unemployed and create these sorts of problems...)


Remember that for women, security is of incredible importance to them. It's ingrained in who they are as females. They need to feel safe, secure, confident that their basic necessities (shelter, food, water, etc.) are never at risk. If there are children involved, then that innate need is multiplied many times over. Even the most remote potential threat to that confidence can be incredibly nerve wracking for them, and when their partner doesn't feel equally threatened by it, they are easily frustrated and become distrusting of him. Often, that becomes the absolute most important issue in their lives, to fix that threat, to restore absolute 100% security, etc. and everything else becomes secondary. With your job security sounding like it is somewhat high risk or prone to fluctuation, I could easily see a woman living with constant concern about her and her children's security. I could also understand how she might forget that you need her support as well. There are many historical and cultural roots to support this. Throughout history, men have generally had an easier time surviving in the world alone than women could, and certainly more so than women with children to care for. So she depends on you enormously, and it's not crazy to think that maybe, after many years of feeling insecure, she might struggle to treat you as more than just her and your kids financial lifeline, as a man with needs who tries his best.

Again I'm not saying that is the case here, but it sounds like it could be a possibility.

I think I mentioned above that a woman's frustrations over what she might perceive as her husbands failure to provide for his family or other responsibilities, will actively permeate itself throughout the relationship. Those kinds of failures can easily lead to feelings of being unloved or unvaluable. You can probably imagine a wife thinking something like this, "He knows how important this is to me, but he still won't do anything about it. He must not love me enough for feel that I am important enough." For women who feel that way for long, you can also probably imagine how that is going to impact their libido and sexual attraction for you. Their desire for meeting your other needs likely would also decrease, if they feel that you don't care about their needs. Plus, know that for many or maybe even most women, the longer they go without sex, the less they feel like they need it. That's an unfortunate simple truth, so after it has been a while, it can be even harder to restart the sexual relationship.


I kind of like hopelessromantic1's thought. Getting an apartment away from her is a pretty drastic step, and could easily make matters much worse if it isn't absolutely necessary. Do you think you could use that effort in other ways that might be less risky with a better chance of improving things? Is there a way you could pursue job opportunities that are closer to home and require less (if any) travel? Are there any other opportunities, in or out of your current career field, that could pay the same or better and are closer to home? It seems to me that this would be very much worth the effort, regardless of how the marriage plays out.

Lastly, I do think it's worth having a good heart-to-heart conversation with your wife. Explaining your position, your concerns, along with your desires. Then of course allowing her to do the same thing. I bet she might be willing to share some fears/concerns she has in depth that might surprise you or soften your frustration with her a bit, and hers towards you as well. Just a thought!


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

[Yeah, well talked to a lawyer about a month or so ago. Lawyer basically said I am screwed. I work out of town 50% of the time so I will not get custody, period. Since I make between 6 and 7 times what wife makes, I am going to get hosed in alimony and since we have been married 20 years, alimony is a given. Basically lawyer said to live with it until kids hit 18 and since wife is in school, maybe she will be earning more by then and the alimony will not be that bad.

So, yeah, my life basically sucks and I am in love with someone who treats me worse than a slave. We talked for a while a few weeks ago and she asked me why I stayed for so long, considering how she treats me. I told her because I love her and the kids and my life is worthless without them. So she knows she can treat me like **** and I will never leave. 

Totally understand what your lawyer is saying and he/she is probably right financially; however, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start doing things for you - not her. Find something you like (gym, hobby etc..) and start doing it. Live for yourself - be polite to her but start to have a life of your own if you decide to stay for a while longer. She treats you like crap because you have allowed it to happen. No more. Do things for yourself not her.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Remember that for women, security is of incredible importance to them. It's ingrained in who they are as females. They need to feel safe, secure, confident that their basic necessities (shelter, food, water, etc.) are never at risk. If there are children involved, then that innate need is multiplied many times over. Even the most remote potential threat to that confidence can be incredibly nerve wracking for them, and when their partner doesn't feel equally threatened by it, they are easily frustrated and become distrusting of him. Often, that becomes the absolute most important issue in their lives, to fix that threat, to restore absolute 100% security, etc. and everything else becomes secondary. With your job security sounding like it is somewhat high risk or prone to fluctuation, I could easily see a woman living with constant concern about her and her children's security. I could also understand how she might forget that you need her support as well. There are many historical and cultural roots to support this. Throughout history, men have generally had an easier time surviving in the world alone than women could, and certainly more so than women with children to care for. So she depends on you enormously, and it's not crazy to think that maybe, after many years of feeling insecure, she might struggle to treat you as more than just her and your kids financial lifeline, as a man with needs who tries his best.
> 
> Again I'm not saying that is the case here, but it sounds like it could be a possibility.
> 
> I think I mentioned above that a woman's frustrations over what she might perceive as her husbands failure to provide for his family or other responsibilities, will actively permeate itself throughout the relationship. Those kinds of failures can easily lead to feelings of being unloved or unvaluable. You can probably imagine a wife thinking something like this, "He knows how important this is to me, but he still won't do anything about it. He must not love me enough for feel that I am important enough." For women who feel that way for long, you can also probably imagine how that is going to impact their libido and sexual attraction for you. Their desire for meeting your other needs likely would also decrease, if they feel that you don't care about their needs. Plus, know that for many or maybe even most women, the longer they go without sex, the less they feel like they need it. That's an unfortunate simple truth, so after it has been a while, it can be even harder to restart the sexual relationship.


This is a gross generalization of women which is false. Sorry. Not true. It might be true of the kinds of women you hang around with and marry, but not true. However I do agree that there is nothing sexy or interesting about a man who doesn't step up to the plate. 

However that said, if you have chosen to marry a woman who wants to be a homemaker and stay home then you must take on the full burden of making the money. If you have chosen to marry a woman who wants a career then the work is different, perhaps that woman doesn't need you to make so much money but needs you to be an equal partner at home, cooking and cleaning etc. Either way, I know in my marriage what has occurred over the years is we both made assumptions about what the other person wanted without actually asking them and also without actually sharing how we feel about that. 

My husband thought he was being very supportive, and I didn't feel it, I wanted support in other ways. He was trying to support me in my career, when what I wanted was support with the family we made together. 

Are you sure that your wife would get full custody? That doesn't seem right, if you are willing to change your job to something where you are home, why would the court not order her back to work? I know nothing about marriage law, but it seems ludicrous that in divorce the woman could continue on not working. I am assuming she'd have to get a job?

It also seems insane to me to stay together till the kids are 18 just for financial reasons. You are doing your children a disservice to spend the next x number of years in a miserable and unhappy marriage. They will grow up not knowing you, because you won't be present emotionally or physically, and your wife is clearly miserable too. 

I think one of the biggest gifts we can give our children is to show them that we are human, and that we deserve to live happy and fulfilled lives and sometimes we sacrifice money for that. Your children are better to come from a broken home than to live in one.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Well, this might seem underhanded, but take a job making a lot less near home, don't tell her until you start. Then in a divorce, she'll get a lot less alimony. And you'll have more time for the kids.


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