# mom is remarried... should i confront her new husband?



## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

my mom is recently remarried to a chinese guy. today she told me this story that made me want to kill him. my mom is a bigger woman (and always have been), and she sometimes eats fatty foods. she was telling me they went to outback steakhouse for lunch and he ordered some 4 course meal that included a dessert. she got something small so they could share everything. well, by the time they got to dessert they were both full, so my mom suggested they "to go" their dessert. and he said, "you dont need any dessert".

as my mom is repeating this story to me she starts bursting into tears. all the while we're visiting my grandma in a nursing home, which is already a depressing situation, and i'm just like WTF? trying to keep my gma distracted and my mom calm i just found myself FURIOUS. this is not the first time he's said something like this. 

earlier in the week my mom met me for dinner and he told her, "i'm going to the park and burn off some calories while you have fun with nandosbella and eat more." she also teared up when she told me this. 

let me say that i realize that it is my mom's place to say something to him and not mine.. but she's my mom! i cant hear these stories anymore! especially from some guy who's only been in the picture for 2 years. she's been her size since they met, and she'll probably stay that size for the rest of her life. 

now i mentioned he's chinese because i believe all this is a cultural thing. i know an american would never say that.. and if he did he'd expect to have his balls in a vice soon thereafter. i seriously think he just doesnt realize he's being a douche. does anyone have any advice on how to approach this? or would you just stay out of it?


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

No! you intervening will only make things worse for you mother and him. She can handle it herself.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sorry, but it's none of your business.

Your Mom is a grown woman, if it bothers her that much she'll deal with it. If she doesn't, well that's her business too.

As long as there is no abuse, then it's her marriage and her life.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd be asking mom why she tolerates it and what made him change his attitude.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

While I understand why you'd want to confront, ideally this is something your mother should find the strength to do herself. If she never learns how to do this, I think the relationship would be in trouble no matter what you do.

How old are they? I ask because after a certain age, he might be too set in his ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I agree with Kathy. Why does your mom tolerate this?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I'd say something if it was my mum tbh

By the way, people say insensitive things once in a while. It doesn't mean we should lose our wigs and immediately get a divorce.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

she's always been a REALLY strong personality... like me. and being THAT opinionated is unattractive to a lot of people. after she got divorced she convinced herself that was why hubs #1 (my dad) left her after 24 years of marriage. she says that this time around she's going to be much more laid back, less opinionated and more easy going... 

this relationship is weird to me.. it's very formal. they dont even fart in front of eachother. there's a lot of egg shell walking in my opinion. and yet... he says crap like that to her... i dont get it. it just makes me sad for her.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i'm not suggesting divorce at all. it's not my marriage. BUT... it seems to be constant. even at the dinner table tonight.. he called and asked if she wanted anything from the grocery store. the minute she said mayonaise he said, "you dont need that". i mean COME ON!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

nandosbella, you had surgery a few weeks ago, I remember. Have you thought of walking with your mom sometimes? I'll be honest, if someone was disrespecting my mother that way, I'd be cussing him out. But that's me. I don't care if it is a spouse, a store clerk, or the Pope. No one deserves to be disrespected that way... NO ONE.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I would have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I really hate seeing my loved ones' feelings hurt. Quick way to get on my "poop" list.

From some of the comments I have seen on here about women and their weight there may be some who don't see a problem with his actions. 

You have to wonder why he's with her if her weight is an issue since she was this way when they met. Maybe wait till he says something in front of you. Then speak up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

& mayo? Really? Mayo? C'mon now... has he forgotten that there are people who come over to visit? Also, that there are fat free/light versions of these things? Sorry, I couldn't stand for someone treating my mom like that. But I have a big mouth and use it... often.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

No way should your mother involve you in her marriage problems. She’s an adult and must seek help elsewhere without burdening her children. The relationship your mother has established with you will without doubt be toxic to her marriage.

Use tough love on her and tell her to work it out with her husband. If she doesn’t the problems wont be resolved and all she’ll do is mess and moan to you as an outlet for her emotions instead of fixing the problems.



She sounds like she’s been introspective and is willing to change. Now she needs some healthy boundaries so if you really want to help her in a positive way get her some books on personal boundaries. With luck and a fair wind her H may well read them as well.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i'm with you, maricha... i had to tell my mom to take my phone away from me before i sent him some nasty message. and we've been talking about walking together with my dog.. but in all reality it's probably not gonna happen. we went to the pool together yesterday and she had fun.. i was too busy freezing my arse off. she has a hard time with sweets. even if we walked she'd probably talk herself into deserving a donut (haha). it's just how she rolls. 

HJ... you're right.. there are probably a lot of people who wouldnt think he said something wrong. i've seen those posts too. and it is definitely strange that all the sudden he has these hang ups. 

i recently had weight loss surgery and shortly after i got it he told her that she should get it too.... he doesnt know she already had it almost 10 years ago and lost 100+ lbs. she's come a long way, but she's too chicken to tell him. of course it's embarassing having weight loss surgery... but you should be able to tell your husband! ugh, the egg shells, you guys!!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> i'm with you, maricha... i had to tell my mom to take my phone away from me before i sent him some nasty message. and we've been talking about walking together with my dog.. but in all reality it's probably not gonna happen. we went to the pool together yesterday and she had fun.. i was too busy freezing my arse off. she has a hard time with sweets. even if we walked she'd probably talk herself into deserving a donut (haha). it's just how she rolls.
> 
> HJ... you're right.. there are probably a lot of people who wouldnt think he said something wrong. i've seen those posts too. and it is definitely strange that all the sudden he has these hang ups.
> 
> i recently had weight loss surgery and shortly after i got it he told her that she should get it too.... he doesnt know she already had it almost 10 years ago and lost 100+ lbs. she's come a long way, but she's too chicken to tell him. of course it's embarassing having weight loss surgery... but you should be able to tell your husband! ugh, the egg shells, you guys!!


She had it almost 10 years ago? First, what did she have done? Roux-en-y? Lapband? DS? And, did she gain back any of what she lost? Did she ever get plastics? Also, what are her thoughts about getting a revision? Will her insurance cover it or would she be able to pay for it out of pocket?

I've considered revision because I gained some back after my last child was born and I never hit goal weight. She should NOT be embarrassed that she had weight loss surgery! I'm proud of my mother because she got it. She did what she could before and this was her last resort. It was mine, and it was yours as well. Don't ever let anyone make you feel embarrassed for getting it! And, don't let anyone ever tell you that you took the easy way out. You and I BOTH know that's not true! Not by a long shot!

As for your mother, if revision is an option for her, she really should mention the original surgery to her husband. Although, considering what you have said here, he may ridicule her about how much she DIDN'T lose, or the fact that she gained some back.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If she is confiding in you, it is because she sees you to some extent as a friend, not a protector who will jump in and fight her battles for her. She may just be venting. Be supportive; tell her to toughen up and either stand up for herself when he says this stuff or exercise if she agrees that her weight is a problem or find a way to talk to him about the disrespectful dynamic that is forming. If she's walking on eggshells to please him just because she thinks he won't leave her or stray if she is compliant, then she's going to end up a doormat and he will lose respect for her. Try urging her toward confidence boosting things or more communication. Under no circumstances should you interfere in this matter; unless he is actually being abusive and her life is endangered, you need to butt out beyond being her listener and buddy when she talks. 

By the way, this talking to you instead if to her hubby will cause problems in her marriage and you should urge her to talk more to her hubby about stuff that bothers you. She won't forgive you if your interference costs her the relationship and you'll be sorry you tried to fight her battles for her.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I knew of a similar situation it wasn't "weight" . new H was "controlling and hateful" the adult daughter spoke up for her 55 year old mother.Guess what, the New husband turned the mother against her own daughter and the REST of her OWN adult children. It took 5 or 6 years for the hurt feelings to heal.....


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

yeah, she had Roux-en-y... she initially lost about 180 lbs, and she probably gained back about 50 lbs over the last 10 years. but she's so much happier and active even though she's still bigger. she rides bikes and plays tennis.. she never would have done that stuff before.

i asked her about a revision and before my surgery she was all about it. that i inspired her blah, blah, blah.. but i had a rough few days after my surgery and she decided she wasnt down for any more surgery. 

lets see though.. if i really do lose some weight she might get inspired again! that's the only surgery she's had so far, but she was considering a "body lift" while we were in cancun, but the recovery would have been too much to have both of us done at the same time. she can afford to do whatever she wants, but seeing me crying and screaming in pain changed her mind pretty quickly. 

i admit... my surgery isnt something i'm proud of. i havent spoken to my dad in like 6 years and my mom told me she emailed him while i was in recovery. i was livid, ashamed and embarassed. she couldnt understand why i felt that way until i said, "how would you like it if i told your hubs that you did it"... then it clicked. especially reading how a lot of people on this forum react to weight gain.. people are freakin evil! luckily i've had a lot of good support!


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

mel123 said:


> I knew of a similar situation it wasn't "weight" . new H was "controlling and hateful" the adult daughter spoke up for her 55 year old mother.Guess what, the New husband turned the mother against her own daughter and the REST of her OWN adult children. It took 5 or 6 years for the hurt feelings to heal.....


WTF... are you serious???:scratchhead:


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

to OP.... serious , be careful what you say to her, or her H ..... Even though the new H may DESERVE a verbal a$$ kicking , you will be viewed as interfering if you do it


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

my mom and i became really close once i became an adult. i'm an only child so we're extra close. we're really good friends. 

i've always been really opinionated about my dad. i hate him... like.. a lot. and i've always told my mom my opinions of him, but they never influenced her. she loved him no matter what i said. i would say he's such a loser and that he was using her... and all she would say was, "you shouldnt say those things about your father". i've already started telling her what i think of her new hubs... and she brushes it off too. i dunno yall... i think one day i'm gonna snap on him even though i know it's inappropriate.


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## Ducky316 (Aug 16, 2012)

I know most of the people here are saying not to confront him, but ask yourself this....It's clear to me your Mom is in a verbally abusive relationship, and most of us realize that is as damaging to a persons self esteem and confidence as physical abuse..If it were you instead of her taking this abuse, would you want your Mom to stick up for you, and would she????? If you know the answer to this question, then you have your answer. Good luck


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> she's always been a REALLY strong personality... like me. and being THAT opinionated is unattractive to a lot of people. after she got divorced she convinced herself that was why hubs #1 (my dad) left her after 24 years of marriage. she says that this time around she's going to be much more laid back, less opinionated and more easy going...
> 
> this relationship is weird to me.. it's very formal. they dont even fart in front of eachother. there's a lot of egg shell walking in my opinion. and yet... he says crap like that to her... i dont get it. it just makes me sad for her.


So does she plan to stop eating if this one doesn't work? 

I'm glad she has you to remind her that he's out of line and not the other way around, but she needs to find a balance between having a healthy opinion and being abused. If you say something to him, you'll just give him one more reason to heap more verbal abuse on her.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> she's always been a REALLY strong personality... like me. and being THAT opinionated is unattractive to a lot of people. after she got divorced she convinced herself that was why hubs #1 (my dad) left her after 24 years of marriage. she says that this time around she's going to be much more laid back, less opinionated and more easy going...


Being more laid back doesn't mean losing your spine. I think she may have gone overboard with this. There has to be a balance.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> my mom is recently remarried to a chinese guy. today she told me this story that made me want to kill him. my mom is a bigger woman (and always have been), and she sometimes eats fatty foods. she was telling me they went to outback steakhouse for lunch and he ordered some 4 course meal that included a dessert. she got something small so they could share everything. well, by the time they got to dessert they were both full, so my mom suggested they "to go" their dessert. and he said, "you dont need any dessert".
> 
> as my mom is repeating this story to me she starts bursting into tears. all the while we're visiting my grandma in a nursing home, which is already a depressing situation, and i'm just like WTF? trying to keep my gma distracted and my mom calm i just found myself FURIOUS. this is not the first time he's said something like this.
> 
> ...


Yep, he's verbally abusive & controlling. Your Mother sounds like a strong woman so maybe you can help her with how to respond to his insults.

Don't talk to him directly - it won't help.

My healthy weight daughter (age 22) has a boyfriend who is thin, a vegan & has very strong opinions about food & is constantly watching what she eats & making snide comments to her.

It royally pisses me off (no other boyfriends were like this).

What I don't do is talk to him directly.

What I do is tell her (in front of him) to eat what you want & counter his comments with sarcasm


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

WOW. You believe it's a cultural thing because "an American would never say that". Are you serious? 
I'm sorry but I find that remark extremely offensive! There ARE abusive relationships in America too you know, which are being done by Americans. 
The fact that he is Chinese has nothing to do with it. If your mother sees this as a big deal then why is she still with him?

Tell her that if she doesn't plan on doing anything about it then please don't tell you about it, because you will just hate him more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ubercoolpanda said:


> WOW. You believe it's a cultural thing because "an American would never say that". Are you serious?
> I'm sorry but I find that remark extremely offensive! There ARE abusive relationships in America too you know, which are being done by Americans.
> *The fact that he is Chinese has nothing to do with it.* If your mother sees this as a big deal then why is she still with him?
> 
> ...


I agree. Be careful to take that detail out of your story. Other people may get stuck on it and lose all sympathy for you and your mother.

Regarding what Americans do.....yes, I've dated some *******s who would hassle me about my weight. I've learned to tell them to go to hell when appropriate.


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