# Should I say something or leave it?



## Sue4473

I’ve been casually (sex involved) seeing someone and it was an agreement to be exclusive intimately. But as of late when I’ve texted him he ignores it. Not sure why...if someone has entered the picture then be honest and tell me. Yes I know I’ve put myself in this position but it’s rude not to answer. Should I call him out on it?
I mean if we can be intimate then geezus answer my freakin text and just be honest. This, honestly is why women have trust issues 
Yes I’ve had men on the back burner but I’ve always been up front. It’s a double standard with men I guess.


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## SentHereForAReason

Couple of questions;

1. He ignores them completely and never gets back to you or just takes a lot of prodding, sounds like this wasn't always the case, maybe before sex was involved or accomplished by him?

2. When you say intimately exclusive, it sounds like you agree to not sleep with other people but could talk to other people? How was his attitude towards this agreement?


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## BigToe

You could call him out on it if you care that much about him. But if you care that much about him why isn't the entire relationship exclusive? You could wait until he comes to you for sex again and then tell him no sex until he starts answering your text messages.

I'm not sure what you think you are getting out of an "exclusive intimately" agreement. Does this somehow allow you to rationalize casual sex? Men don't have a double standard, we just do what we want...especially when a woman agrees to have sex with us but let us also play the field.


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## Sue4473

It’s been about 4 days since I sent a text. Maybe something happened or he’s busy, but still it takes seconds.
He’s the one that said- if we meet someone that we want to move forward then we tell one another. But if we start sleeping together then we definitely don’t with others. Which I’m glad due to disease and such. We’ve both been burned by relationships and my ex cheated and I have issues.
I liked this arrangement cause of the ability to communicate. To which this has thrown me off.


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## bkyln309

You are his FB. He doesnt owe you a text back unless its to setup a "date". That is the nature of the relationship. If he is not texting back, he is good for now. 

I would suggest you move away from this arrangement if you want a more responsive relationship.


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## Sue4473

Well a week ago we had relations. I thought men needed it more than that. I’m finding I might need more.
We both have teens so we are busy. 
Most dating is THIS. FB, FWB etc
I thought we were more on the “friend” side of things but perhaps not. I go out on dates but nothing that’s warrants a move forward.


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## SentHereForAReason

Sue4473 said:


> Well a week ago we had relations. I thought men needed it more than that. I’m finding I might need more.
> We both have teens so we are busy.
> Most dating is THIS. FB, FWB etc
> I thought we were more on the “friend” side of things but perhaps not. I go out on dates but nothing that’s warrants a move forward.


I just get the feeling his is not holding up the end of his bargain on this unique agreement. I think when it comes to being exclusive, it shouldn't be a piece by piece agreement, either all or none to eliminate gray areas and massive confusion ... or in his case, probably a huge loophole.


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## Sue4473

what do you mean loophole?
Like I can’t sleep with others, but he can?


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## BigToe

Sue4473 said:


> Well a week ago we had relations. I thought men needed it more than that. I’m finding I might need more.
> We both have teens so we are busy.
> Most dating is THIS. FB, FWB etc
> I thought we were more on the “friend” side of things but perhaps not. I go out on dates but nothing that’s warrants a move forward.


Ahhhh, ok, you want more sex but you've locked yourself into this agreement and trying to abide by it, but he's not answering your call. Now this is starting to make sense. If you accept that you are just friends (with or without benefits) then I think you have to also accept that you are not his priority and he will get back to you when he wants. The agreement is not good for you for that reason and because your libido may be stronger than his. Nullify the agreement and tell him to wear a condom.


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## Sue4473

Yes I’m sticking to what we agreed on- but if he’s out sleeping with others that changes things and we don’t need to be going there. So wearing a condom will most likely happen. And if he questions it I’ll just tell him why.


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## SentHereForAReason

Sue4473 said:


> what do you mean loophole?
> Like I can’t sleep with others, but he can?


I could be wrong, I don't know this guy but yes, that is what I would be concerned about.


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## minimalME

BigToe said:


> ...tell him to wear a condom.


And be a truly responsible adult - get tested between partners. 

STDs don't always abide by the limitations of a condom - especially if you're having oral sex.


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## Sue4473

Yes I was confused on why he was so adamant about not sharing, but if that’s the case then wear a condom.
It is noted now and things will be different on my end.


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## SentHereForAReason

Sue4473 said:


> Yes I was confused on why he was so adamant about not sharing, but if that’s the case then wear a condom.
> It is noted now and things will be different on my end.


I mean if it's just sex, then so be it but if you really want more from this guy, he seems to have more important things to do and your relationship is at his convenience. 

But forgive me, I'm new to this whole 'brave' new world of how things work between 'single' people. I have been effectively off of the dating market for 18 years (20-38) and am learning about what's out there. I have have urges and desires but I'm still a bit old fashioned when it comes to all of this.


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## Faithful Wife

Sue4473 said:


> I’ve been casually (sex involved) seeing someone and it was an agreement to be exclusive intimately. But as of late when I’ve texted him he ignores it. Not sure why...if someone has entered the picture then be honest and tell me. Yes I know I’ve put myself in this position but it’s rude not to answer. Should I call him out on it?
> I mean if we can be intimate then geezus answer my freakin text and just be honest. This, honestly is why women have trust issues
> Yes I’ve had men on the back burner but I’ve always been up front. It’s a double standard with men I guess.


How long have you known him? If you have known him just a month or something, you don’t really know him well enough to be friends. Just because you had an agreement to me sexually exclusive doesn’t mean anything else is agreed upon. Things like not responding to a text are not things that sex buddies are necessarily required to do. Again there is no actual friendship developed yet when you don’t know someone very well. A handful of dates and sex does not mean you know someone or know if they are qualified to be an actual friend to you. 

I don’t see this as a man or double standard thing. Its actually just your own choices that brings you to where you are right now.

It’s easy to say yeah let’s have sex and we will be exclusive about it, but until you actually know that person better you don’t know if they are going to treat you well generally. So if you have sex with someone you don’t know well and they end up not treating you as you would like afterwards, it’s not really that they had the responsibility to make sure they know how you want to be treated and will do it. Instead it’s our own responsibility to make sure the other person is of enough quality to treat us right before we enter any agreements with them.

Also it seems you are implying that you haven’t used condoms with the guy thus far at all and you plan to have him use one now forward because he didn’t answer your text and now you assume he’s screwing around? That’s confusing to me because condoms are a must in any new relationship until it has been confirmed no one has std’s and some kind of trust has been established surrounding exclusivity. Instead, it seems you trusted him immediately without any basis for it and had unprotected sex, but now you will have protected sex if he ever comes back around?


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## Cooper

If he was seeing another woman then he could still return your text, as you stated "it only takes seconds". If he hasn't returned your text in four days I think the reason is he simply doesn't want to, he just isn't that interested in you.

If he's a player he may still contact you for some weekend sex. He's going to either claim he never got your text, was out of town for several days or some other weak excuse (sick/busy/kid issues/etc.) If all you want is a FWB then let it go and enjoy the sex, if you want and expect more he obviously isn't the right guy.


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## BigDigg

No texting for 4 days? Hate to say it but he's probably just not that interested and doesn't want you to get ideas on some future relationship. Your absolutely right that he sees you more as a FB to be casually called on vs. a FWB that has at least some mutual friendship as a basis. 

If you're not into that then just ghost him from here on out. Or alternatively just use him as a FB for you when you need/want (if you are that way). If you show you don't care and ignore him through this he'll definitely answer your next text if you imply you want some quick/easy sex. But you'll know exactly what you have here (and yes definitely use protection).


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## Sue4473

He did finally text to say that he was out of town for a conference in Atlanta. So we shall see


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## BigDigg

Sue4473 said:


> He did finally text to say that he was out of town for a conference in Atlanta. So we shall see


Did he leave his phone at home? What difference does it make where he was? 

I'd still say be 'guard up' on this guy. If he was really interested he would have sent a quick text back without any problem.


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## katies

if you give it up for free then you'll be treated like this. I'm not surprised.


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## Magnesium

Sue4473 said:


> I’ve been casually (sex involved) seeing someone and it was an agreement to be exclusive intimately. But as of late when I’ve texted him he ignores it. Not sure why...if someone has entered the picture then be honest and tell me. Yes I know I’ve put myself in this position but it’s rude not to answer. Should I call him out on it?
> *I mean if we can be intimate then geezus answer my freakin text and just be honest. This, honestly is why women have trust issues
> *Yes I’ve had men on the back burner but I’ve always been up front. It’s a double standard with men I guess.


Hah! 

1. You presume that being physically intimate with someone [you are not completely committed to in every other aspect of your life] means that person values the intimacy in the same way that you do. This is why being physically intimate should come AFTER you have learned everything you can about that person and decided to be completely committed. You clearly do not know this person very well and have already placed an enormous amount of physical and emotional trust in him. That's just absurd to me. 

2. No, that is not why 'women' have trust issues. I would venture to guess that _you _have trust issues because you misplace your trust in people you do not know and are not entirely committed to.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I agree something sounds fishy.

It's probably not this, but, I myself don't check for new texts or even check to see why my smart phone makes a noise when it does so. My W gets on to me all the time re did I get her msg and or video.

I still figure if someone wants to get in touch with me they'll call. I get a bazillion work emails a day on work phone so checking things I consider to be work. 

If I'm traveling it MAY be different if W and I are planning something but even then she / others know to call.

But I may be old school. YMMV. Just a thought.

In your case it seems fishy i agree with others but there may be a small chance it's not.


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## Livvie

Magnesium said:


> Sue4473 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I’ve been casually (sex involved) seeing someone and it was an agreement to be exclusive intimately. But as of late when I’ve texted him he ignores it. Not sure why...if someone has entered the picture then be honest and tell me. Yes I know I’ve put myself in this position but it’s rude not to answer. Should I call him out on it?
> *I mean if we can be intimate then geezus answer my freakin text and just be honest. This, honestly is why women have trust issues
> *Yes I’ve had men on the back burner but I’ve always been up front. It’s a double standard with men I guess.
> 
> 
> 
> Hah!
> 
> 1. You presume that being physically intimate with someone [you are not completely committed to in every other aspect of your life] means that person values the intimacy in the same way that you do. This is why being physically intimate should come AFTER you have learned everything you can about that person and decided to be completely committed. You clearly do not know this person very well and have already placed an enormous amount of physical and emotional trust in him. That's just absurd to me.
> 
> 2. No, that is not why 'women' have trust issues. I would venture to guess that _you _have trust issues because you misplace your trust in people you do not know and are not entirely committed to.
Click to expand...

Well, here's the conundrum. It makes sense to become sexually involved with someone *after* you have established some kind of bond with and know how they are going to treat you.

But then, we have guys who say if you don't have sex with them by the third date they aren't interested in continuing on, because you aren't sexually interested enough in them.

You just can't win.

You're ****ed if you do and ****ed if you don't.


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## Sue4473

Plus you can “know” or think you know someone for years and out that trust in them and still get screwed.


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## Magnesium

Sue4473 said:


> Plus you can “know” or think you know someone for years and out that trust in them and still get screwed.


Very true; but ya can't blame them if ya haven't even bothered to vet them properly. 

I do have my own moral and ethical reasons for what I say and those may not apply to you. But, eliminate those motivations and employ reason, logic to evaluate safety (emotional, financial, physical, etc.) and it simply does not make sense to have casual physical intimacy with practical strangers.

It seems too many people, who I think should really know better, think that vetting someone means deciding if some of surface things are mutually agreeable. Then they jump into bed and wonder why things fall apart. That's just nuts to me.


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## Magnesium

Livvie said:


> Well, here's the conundrum. It makes sense to become sexually involved with someone *after* you have established some kind of bond with and know how they are going to treat you.
> 
> *But then, we have guys who say if you don't have sex with them by the third date they aren't interested in continuing on, because you aren't sexually interested enough in them.
> *
> You just can't win.
> 
> You're ****ed if you do and ****ed if you don't.


Why would you even want to be with someone like that? Do you not value yourself?


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## SentHereForAReason

Magnesium said:


> Why would you even want to be with someone like that? Do you not value yourself?


And not to be the f'n moral police because God knows, I surely don't know it all but the stakes are a little bit higher when you have a kid to look after, and I think I read on one thread you have a majority of the time? She will need the best you more than these 'men' that are either bad with technology or just don't GAF.


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## sunsetmist

I think you should evaluate who you are and what you stand for in every area of your life. Otherwise you will be blown with the wind and the decisions of others. That's a big part of what maturity is.

Then, be comfortable with the person you've chosen to be. Beware of the expectations of others that don't line up with your reality. Reassess from time to time to see how this is working for you.


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## minimalME

Magnesium said:


> Why would you even want to be with someone like that? Do you not value yourself?


She's not saying she's having sex with them. That's simply the current unreasonable expectation.

I do value myself. And I'm consistently alone.


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## jlg07

I think from you telling him we have to be sexually exclusive, but I'm still going to date other guys is pretty off-putting to the guy (and I think would be if reversed). 
"I just want to have sex with you, but don't want to get diseases so we should only have sex with each other, but BTW, I'm not interested enough in YOU to not date others." So if you aren't interested enough in him to not date others, why should he give YOU any priority?

That's the message I get from this type of arrangement (but I don't get the whole FWB deal anyway).


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## Magnesium

minimalME said:


> *She's not saying she's having sex with them. That's simply the current unreasonable expectation.*
> 
> I do value myself. And I'm consistently alone.


That is true and an important clarification. My apologies for the assumption. 

I am alone, too; but not lonely. For me it is a choice and I prefer it. Long gone are the days of devaluing myself for the pleasure or acceptance of another and some twisted sense of validation. I simply do not need a partner and it took me a long time to realize that.


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## Sue4473

It’s kinda messed up I agree, but this is dating today. Or your alone which is lonely as my kids get older and don’t need me as much. So I do value myself a lot.
Yes, if we find someone to date then we tell one another...
Sex should be intimate and mean a lot more than it does unfortunately. I think there is a care there on both our ends but at the same time we just won’t go there.


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## minimalME

Magnesium said:


> I am alone, too; but not lonely. For me it is a choice and I prefer it. Long gone are the days of devaluing myself for the pleasure or acceptance of another and some twisted sense of validation. I simply do not need a partner and it took me a long time to realize that.


I do get lonely. 

I love the freedom to do as I wish, but I feel more like a woman when I have male energy around. 

It's just not something I can replicate on my own.


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## jlg07

Double post...


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## jlg07

Sue4473 said:


> It’s kinda messed up I agree, but this is dating today. Or your alone which is lonely as my kids get older and don’t need me as much. So I do value myself a lot.
> Yes, if we find someone to date then we tell one another...
> *Sex should be intimate and mean a lot more than it does unfortunately. I think there is a care there on both our ends but at the same time we just won’t go there.*


Maybe I misunderstood something here -- did you WANT to be exclusive sexually AND not dating but he didn't want to do that? I'm just trying to understand the bolded statements.
Does HE not want to give up dating?


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## Rowan

Sue4473 said:


> *It’s kinda messed up I agree, but this is dating today.* Or your alone which is lonely as my kids get older and don’t need me as much. So I do value myself a lot.
> Yes, if we find someone to date then we tell one another...
> Sex should be intimate and mean a lot more than it does unfortunately. I think there is a care there on both our ends but at the same time we just won’t go there.




Not if you don't want it to be that way. I did online dating for a while, a couple years after my divorce. I never once felt the need to engage in meaningless sex just to not be or feel alone. I dated because I enjoyed it and because I wanted to meet someone to have a relationship with. I just don't really enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship. I don't do friends with benefits or casual sex. Because that's not what I'm interested in. So, I didn't have sex with men I wasn't in a relationship with. A real relationship, that was mutually defined and accepted as exclusive, and had at least the potential to grow into something long-term. That meant that I didn't always get to have as much sex as I wanted, but it also meant that I never felt used by or resentful of the sexual relationships I did have. 

Choosing to engage in a FWB or FB arrangement is just that, a _choice_. You are choosing to accept the limitations of that type of arrangement. And one of those limitations is that your partner doesn't owe you anything other than honesty regarding the sex you're having. He doesn't owe you his time, affection, attention, or even prompt responses to your communications - because that's not the arrangement you've agreed to. Those are things that are part of a committed romantic relationship, which you don't have. If what you really want is a real relationship, then you have to choose that instead. And not settle for less.


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## Sue4473

He’s the one that wants us to go out have some fun whether it be dinner, movie etc but if we are having sex then we don’t share. His words. If we happen to be out and meet someone we want to pursue, then we be honest and tell each other. I think yes he’s been on one date as I have and nothing panned out with the dates.


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## Sue4473

Rowan said:


> Not if you don't want it to be that way. I did online dating for a while, a couple years after my divorce. I never once felt the need to engage in meaningless sex just to not be or feel alone. I dated because I enjoyed it and because I wanted to meet someone to have a relationship with. I just don't really enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship. I don't do friends with benefits or casual sex. Because that's not what I'm interested in. So, I didn't have sex with men I wasn't in a relationship with. A real relationship, that was mutually defined and accepted as exclusive, and had at least the potential to grow into something long-term. That meant that I didn't always get to have as much sex as I wanted, but it also meant that I never felt used by or resentful of the sexual relationships I did have.
> 
> Choosing to engage in a FWB or FB arrangement is just that, a _choice_. You are choosing to accept the limitations of that type of arrangement. And one of those limitations is that your partner doesn't owe you anything other than honesty regarding the sex you're having. He doesn't owe you his time, affection, attention, or even prompt responses to your communications - because that's not the arrangement you've agreed to. Those are things that are part of a committed romantic relationship, which you don't have. If what you really want is a real relationship, then you have to choose that instead. And not settle for less.


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## Sue4473

Very well said


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## SentHereForAReason

Rowan said:


> Not if you don't want it to be that way. I did online dating for a while, a couple years after my divorce. I never once felt the need to engage in meaningless sex just to not be or feel alone. I dated because I enjoyed it and because I wanted to meet someone to have a relationship with. I just don't really enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship. I don't do friends with benefits or casual sex. Because that's not what I'm interested in. So, I didn't have sex with men I wasn't in a relationship with. A real relationship, that was mutually defined and accepted as exclusive, and had at least the potential to grow into something long-term. That meant that I didn't always get to have as much sex as I wanted, but it also meant that I never felt used by or resentful of the sexual relationships I did have.
> 
> Choosing to engage in a FWB or FB arrangement is just that, a _choice_. You are choosing to accept the limitations of that type of arrangement. And one of those limitations is that your partner doesn't owe you anything other than honesty regarding the sex you're having. He doesn't owe you his time, affection, attention, or even prompt responses to your communications - because that's not the arrangement you've agreed to. Those are things that are part of a committed romantic relationship, which you don't have. If what you really want is a real relationship, then you have to choose that instead. And not settle for less.


Glad to hear this. I have a strong desire for sex, haven't had sex in 13 months now and have only been with one partner, my EW from 2000-2017. I am excited for the prospects as even in the good times of our marriage (after kids), sex was still on average, every 1-2 months, so not great at all. BUT, but, while I am high drive and could go any day, several times a day, I don't think I'm built to be a FWB person, I need to have a connection with someone to really enjoy it. I'm not a prude but my integrity still drives who I am.


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## jlg07

Sue4473 said:


> He’s the one that wants us to go out have some fun whether it be dinner, movie etc but if we are having sex then we don’t share. His words. If we happen to be out and meet someone we want to pursue, then we be honest and tell each other. I think yes he’s been on one date as I have and nothing panned out with the dates.


Sue, do YOU want to have an exclusive DATING relationship with him? Do you think HE would?
If HE is the one that said that you should both still date, then that tells me he really doesn't want an LTR and just wants a booty call.


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## Sue4473

Maybe down the road if things are good, but right now no as I don’t have much time to delve into a full blown relationship do I don’t know.


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## Magnesium

minimalME said:


> I do get lonely.
> 
> I love the freedom to do as I wish, but I feel more like a woman when I have male energy around.
> 
> It's just not something I can replicate on my own.


I understand. I think I've become pretty A-sexual overall and being a pretty extreme introvert I feel much better alone. 

I hope you find worthy partner.


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## minimalME

Magnesium said:


> I understand. I think I've become pretty A-sexual overall and being a pretty extreme introvert I feel much better alone.
> 
> I hope you find worthy partner.


Thank you! 

I'm also an introverted loner, but not asexual at all.


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## minimalME

stillfightingforus said:


> Glad to hear this. I have a strong desire for sex, haven't had sex in 13 months now and have only been with one partner, my EW from 2000-2017. I am excited for the prospects as even in the good times of our marriage (after kids), sex was still on average, every 1-2 months, so not great at all. BUT, but, while I am high drive and could go any day, several times a day, I don't think I'm built to be a FWB person, *I need to have a connection with someone to really enjoy it*. I'm not a prude but my integrity still drives who I am.


And connections take time. Relationships take time.

After moving to a new location, and dating for the past 1.5 years, I've not found one person willing to simply hang out and learn about each other. It's either all or nothing.

Sex is the priority when dating, but the majority don't talk about it. The predominant attitude is that it's like an accident waiting to happen - then we'll sort out reality afterwards.

And people are trying to pass this off as 'evolved' behavior, when actually, it's a very immature approach, with little to no acceptance of delayed gratification. 

Sex feels good, so let's do it NOW (and by now, I mean within hours of knowning someone), and if you're not willing to do it NOW, then there's nothing between us, so I'm moving on.


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## Sue4473

It wasn’t like that with us 
We dated for a bit before actual sex happened. Fooling around and kissing sure, but the other took a bit. I think a lot young and old jump into sex cause chemistry is so important... if it’s not there then it’s just a friendship. Been there done that. A guy I dated once was super nice, smart, great conversation, but when I thought about kissing him I just couldn’t do it lol. That spark or ting wasn’t there for me.


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## minimalME

Sue4473 said:


> I think a lot young and old jump into sex cause chemistry is so important...


The problem for me is that great sex is only great sex. It doesn't mean you're compatible in any other way. And when you have sex sooo fast, the chances of you being incompatible are very high.

So people go from person to person having sex, yet not being compatible. 

Personally, I'd rather be dumped before sex and stay true to myself, than compromise who I am only to find out it wasn't nearly enough.

And IMHO, instant chemistry is lust. Nothing more.

For those who're chasing it, genuine love might happen for a rare few, but many, many others develop connections over time because they're around one another doing whatever - working, going to school, playing sports, sharing hobbies. Doing non-sexual things.


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## Sue4473

True. I don’t know if it was instant chemistry, but most definitely an attraction. I also like him as a person as well and enjoy his company.


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