# His ex's love child



## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

I'm so unsure on what to do. My husband, had told me from day one he had just found out that the boy he thought was his was not his son. 

Turned out his ex had an affair and he found out a year after they split up, they had split up in 2014 when the boy was 3, we started dating in 2018 and got married in 2019. (They split up by the way because she was having an affair with another guy and she kicked my husband out so could move in her boyfriend.) 

Anyways, but since the kid was too young to understand this tangled mess, my husband told his ex, the boy could still come over every other weekend with his sister, which is my husband's daughter. 

And I was ok with being a weekend step-mom, especially since his daughter is now 15 years old, in my mind, I knew it was only 3 more years. 

I was looking forward to not having to revolve around the kids weekend. I was done raising my kids way before he even came into the picture and looking forward to us traveling whenever we wanted to.

So fast forward to now, my husband's ex decided to start a new life in criminal activities and is now sitting in jail without a bond. 

Of course her boyfriend didn't want the responsibility of the kids and told us to come get all their clothes because who knows how long their mom was going to be in jail. 

Which of course I'm ok with that because I won't want my 15 yr old step-daughter to stay with a man that isn't her father anyways. 

But now my husband basically tells me he wants to get custody of both kids and raise them. 

The boy is 9 years old, so he wants to raise this kid that isn't his without even consulting me. 

When all we've talked about is how the kids are big and we are done with raising kids and can look forward to traveling, maybe even move out of the country. 

I would understand if she died than of course we would have to step up. I thought this was just temporary until her dumbass got out of jail. 

And I am ok with his trying to get custody of his daughter but this boy? It's not like my husband raised him, the boy was 3 when they split up, if you think about the mom's boyfriend has been in the his life longer than my husband. 

Am I wrong? I know it's not the kids fault, but am I wrong to be upset? I tried talking to my husband and he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm at my wits end here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wow, I cant believe that you want an innocent 9 year old child to be basically thrown on the scap heap just because biologically he isnt his. He is his dad, even if its not by blood.
Sorry but you married him knowing all about his children and I think your husband is behaving admirably in wanting to take on both of his children and get custody of them, they have hardly had a good home up till now by the sound of it. 
Can you imagine the rejection that poor child would feel if you have the daughter but not him? Where is he supposed to go exactly? Poor kid. His mum in jail and his step mum doesn't want him.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

He gets mad because he knows it's the right thing to do and he sees you as just wanting to drop it so you can travel more often.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Wow, I cant believe that you want an innocent 9 year old child to be basically thrown on the scap heap just because biologically he isnt his. He is his dad, even if its not by blood.
> Sorry but you married him knowing all about his children and I think your husband is behaving admirably in wanting to take on both of his children and get custody of them, they have hardly had a good home up till now by the sound of it.
> Can you imagine the rejection that poor child would feel if you have the daughter but not him? Where is he supposed to go exactly? Poor kid. His mum in jail and his step mum doesn't want him.


No, I'm not wanting him to throw him out but why does he need to fight for full custody? His mom is not dead, I'm perfectly ok with taking care of them until his mom gets out of jail.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

Y'all are not understanding what my point is, while she is in jail I have no problem stepping up and taking care of the kids, but without consulting me or discussing anything, I come to find out he wants to try to get full custody of this boy. This was only to be a temporary until she got out of jail.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

czelegance said:


> Y'all are not understanding what my point is, while she is in jail I have no problem stepping up and taking care of the kids, but without consulting me or discussing anything, I come to find out he wants to try to get full custody of this boy. This was only to be a temporary until she got out of jail.


We do understand your point. You are just not hearing what you wanted to hear when you came here. He wants full custody for this child because he feels he is better suited to give this boy what he needs from life than his mother can and that does not jive with the plan you had for your life. That is unfortunate but that is how life works out sometimes.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> He gets mad because he knows it's the right thing to do and he sees you as just wanting to drop it so you can travel more often.


Again, you're not understanding what I am upset about. I have no problems, stepping up and taking care of the kids while the mom is in jail. I am upset that I find out my husband wants to fight for full custody of this boy without even discussing it with me.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

czelegance said:


> Again, you're not understanding what I am upset about. I have no problems, stepping up and taking care of the kids while the mom is in jail. I am upset that I find out my husband wants to fight for full custody of this boy without even discussing it with me.


So if he spoke to you about it, all would be good?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If he had discussed the full custody concept ahead of time, would you have been on board then, supportive?


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

yes! Isn't that what marriage is about? Communication? We talked about taking the kids in until she got out of jail but now I found out he's looking at trying to get full custody.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This isn't what you signed up for. Since you've only been married 1 year, see if you can get the marriage annulled. It's almost like a bait & switch on his part.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

czelegance said:


> No, I'm not wanting him to throw him out but why does he need to fight for full custody? His mom is not dead, I'm perfectly ok with taking care of them until his mom gets out of jail.


Don't let it bother you, people freak out about anyone that is not wanting to raise someone else's kid... I don't know why, but they do. 

I want to tell you a couple of things and ask some questions... Did you know or understand that your H was a codependent, knight in shining armor (KISA). 

Is that the reasons that you picked him? Cause if you realized this before you married, then that is on you...

Your first clue is that his wife had two affairs on him and he, what, only discovered after SHE kicked him out. What did she have all the money or did HE LET her kick him out to move in another man????

Your second clue is that he just accepted the other child without and discussion and he was ok with it. I know he raised him for 3 years and I am not saying he should abandon the child for a second. But SOME consideration of the circumstances needs to be taken. 

AND NOW he wants to adopt the kid? Really? Adopt? And raise him for 9 more years?????? REALLY???? 

I know that the kid did nothing to deserve any of this and neither did your H, except be kind of stupid and conflict avoidant, but hey.... THIS IS A BIG DEAL.... AND it involves you if you stay with him. 

I am not saying he is a bad guy or a moron, I am saying he has issues that he does not even know are issues... 

DO you want this stuff popping up from now on? Cause it will... 

And folk I am not being heartless, but this women know of need to know what she is getting herself into if this is the continued pattern...


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

I knew he had a good heart, but no I didn't know about out all the things the ex did to him until I was already in love with him and we were engaged. I never understood why he would even stay with this woman that stepped all over him. This truly makes sense now, "H was a codependent, knight in shining armor (KISA)." Thank you for bringing this to light, now I need to see what my next step is. Thank you for being a good voice of reason.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

czelegance said:


> I knew he had a good heart, but no I didn't know about out all the things the ex did to him until I was already in love with him and we were engaged. I never understood why he would even stay with this woman that stepped all over him. This truly makes sense now, "H was a codependent, knight in shining armor (KISA)." Thank you for bringing this to light, now I need to see what my next step is. Thank you for being a good voice of reason.


Thanks for the compliment... Lots here think I am a hard assed red neck...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

OP, first thing, I think you really need to examine if you want to assist in the raising of this child. The mom clearly isn't a winner at life, and I feel safe in guessing she picked another loser to pro-create with and pass-off the kid as your husbands. 
As this boy grows, and comes into his own, he might become more of a handful. And looking at the parents, the kid probably lost the genetic lottery. 

So figure out if YOU can raise this kid. If the answer is no, you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband. He DEFINITELY should've talked to you about this instead of just coming home one day and saying "Hey, I'm going for full custody of 2 kids, one of which isn't mine." 
You have every right to be ticked off. 

And if the answer is no, you don't want to go through all this, tell your husband this,. But you NEED to be able to walk away. Because this guy clearly has difficultly making good choices in life. Or he is extremely naive. Or like other people pointed out, a co-dependent. Or any other number of names. 

Lastly, don't let people shame you for not wanting to raise some kid that isn't yours, and that your husband was tricked into thinking was his. You didn't make the child, you didn't have any choice in anything here. I imagine your goals in life didn't include this, and not wanting to step into this utter quagmire doesn't make you a bad person (like some people, on this forum or in your personal life might tell you). It makes you someone that undeservingly had this mess dumped in your lap.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would wonder what kind of baby mama I would have to deal with for a good part of my life.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Broken at 20 said:


> OP, first thing, I think you really need to examine if you want to assist in the raising of this child. The mom clearly isn't a winner at life, and I feel safe in guessing she picked another loser to pro-create with and pass-off the kid as your husbands.
> As this boy grows, and comes into his own, he might become more of a handful. And looking at the parents, the kid probably lost the genetic lottery.
> 
> So figure out if YOU can raise this kid. If the answer is no, you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband. He DEFINITELY should've talked to you about this instead of just coming home one day and saying "Hey, I'm going for full custody of 2 kids, one of which isn't mine."
> ...


For real... Love this post... 

You know taking care of your kids is one thing, taking care of someone else's kid that your or your husband had nothing to do with making is something completely different. 

I get that people that cant have children adopt, and I think it is great. 

The other thing is we are talking about 9 years... 9 years after all your kids have left. Wow, I cannot imagine. 

I mean, I would raise my grand son (7) if I needed to, but I would not be surprised if my Fiancé left if she was not up for it and I would understand. I also would not consider it if I had not talked to her first and figured that out...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> You know taking care of your kids is one thing, taking care of someone else's kid that your or your husband had nothing to do with making is something completely different.


Another issue is the "you're not my mother" drama. I am sad for kids who were dealt a bad hand in the parents sweepstakes.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

If he isn't the child's legal guardian or biological blood father, it would be years until the adoption could go thru, correct? Wouldn't the mother have to give up legal claims to the child and then wouldn't the blood grandparents be responsible? Poor kid but nobody would blame you for walking away either. And if they did, that's their problem.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I would wonder what kind of baby mama I would have to deal with for a good part of my life.


Good part?

If she decides to go through with this, the kid is 9. That's 9 years until 18.
And I assume her husband won't kick the boy out at 18. I don't know if college plans are in order, (something else to think about OP. College is super expensive, and do you want to pay for this child to go to college? That is a MASSIVE investment) but let's assume the boy stays until 21 before living on his own. That's 12 years.
And just because the child is an adult doesn't mean she is free of the baby mama drama. I think this is a life-long commitment. It will just get easier after...maybe the first 10-20 years. 

Plus the whole "you're not my mother" or "you're not my father" could come up. That will be tough to deal with.

And judging from everything, it sounds like your husband is softer than a jellyfish, so let's say the child's mom is alone for the holidays? Like Thanksgiving. Christmas. He sounds just like the type of White Knight to ride out and bring the damsel into the castle and give her a great seat at the table. And because he is going for full custody without asking you, I have a feeling he won't ask your permission to invite a stranger home.

All things to think about and consider.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

czelegance said:


> I'm so unsure on what to do. My husband, had told me from day one he had just found out that the boy he thought was his was not his son. Turned out his ex had an affair and he found out a year after they split up, they had split up in 2014 when the boy was 3, we started dating in 2018 and got married in 2019. (They split up by the way because she was having an affair with another guy and she kicked my husband out so could move in her boyfriend.) Anyways, but since the kid was too young to understand this tangled mess, my husband told his ex, the boy could still come over every other weekend with his sister, which is my husband's daughter. And I was ok with being a weekend step-mom, especially since his daughter is now 15 years old, in my mind, I knew it was only 3 more years. I was looking forward to not having to revolve around the kids weekend. I was done raising my kids way before he even came into the picture and looking forward to us traveling whenever we wanted to. So fast forward to now, my husband's ex decided to start a new life in criminal activities and is now sitting in jail without a bond. Of course her boyfriend didn't want the responsibility of the kids and told us to come get all their clothes because who knows how long their mom was going to be in jail. Which of course I'm ok with that because I won't want my 15 yr old step-daughter to stay with a man that isn't her father anyways. But now my husband basically tells me he wants to get custody of both kids and raise them. The boy is 9 years old, so he wants to raise this kid that isn't his without even consulting me. When all we've talked about is how the kids are big and we are done with raising kids and can look forward to traveling, maybe even move out of the country. I would understand if she died than of course we would have to step up. I thought this was just temporary until her dumbass got out of jail. And I am ok with his trying to get custody of his daughter but this boy? It's not like my husband raised him, the boy was 3 when they split up, if you think about the mom's boyfriend has been in the his life longer than my husband. Am I wrong? I know it's not the kids fault, but am I wrong to be upset? I tried talking to my husband and he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm at my wits end here.


It's his life, if this is what he wants to do then he is totally within his rights. If that is a bridge to far I think by all means you have every right to say so and move on, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it no matter what anyone says here or anywhere. This was not the deal you agreed to, you are free to change your mind. That is how it works.

The worst thing you could do for everyone involved is to stay and resent an innocent kid for their existence.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

Broken at 20 said:


> Good part?
> 
> If she decides to go through with this, the kid is 9. That's 9 years until 18.
> And I assume her husband won't kick the boy out at 18. I don't know if college plans are in order, (something else to think about OP. College is super expensive, and do you want to pay for this child to go to college? That is a MASSIVE investment) but let's assume the boy stays until 21 before living on his own. That's 12 years.
> ...


lol. I doubt he would do that, it would not be pretty. Her and I have had plenty of words because she threw a big fit for me not moving our wedding date to one so that her son can be there. Yes hubby and I fought there too. She throws rants and raves that my husband doesn't do enough for her son, because him still taking him every 2 weeks and having birthday parties and giving him Christmas gifts are not enough. As I expressed her, funny how even after the DNA test told her he is not the father, she still wants to talk crap about him not doing enough and stepping up to do more for a child that isn't his and what about that boyfriend you have laid up next to you? Why isn't he stepping up?

Yes, I have a lot of thinking to do here. I'm just so pissed that after discussing this was just temporary until she got out jail and now, he hits me with he wants to go full custody.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He obviously wants custody of the boy — assuming that’s even possible since he’s not the bio dad — because his ex may well end up in jail again and he feels responsible for the boy’s welfare. If you’re not okay with that (and many people wouldn’t be) then it‘s probably better for you to move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He either always intended for it to be permanent or he changed his mind and decided he wanted it to be permanent. Whatever it was, now you know his intentions so you can make your decision about what to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This makes me so grateful to have a husband who took on my family as his own when we married and is now a fantastic grandad to our 3 little grandchildren. Sorry but when you marry, you dont just marry the person, their children are part of it. The fact that things have changed due to circumstances outside of your husbands control means that the children need to be cared for, and I would hate for any of my children to be with that women who is clearly useless and is now in jail. 
I think you have a real man of integrity there, yet you cant even see that, but are only thinking of yourself. If you didnt want a man with younger children, you shouldnt have married him. 
The fact that he is the step dad is irrelevant, many children are bought up and cared for my step parents who are really the only parent they know. For this little boy, he is his dad as far as he is concerned.
Yes he should have talked to you, but he shouldn't let you stop him doing what is right for his children.
If you dont like it you may have to leave.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> This makes me so grateful to have a husband who took on my family as his own when we married and is now a fantastic grandad to our 3 little grandchildren. Sorry but when you marry, you dont just marry the person, their children are part of it. The fact that things have changed due to circumstances outside of your husbands control means that the children need to be cared for, and I would hate for any of my children to be with that women who is clearly useless and is now in jail.
> I think you have a real man of integrity there, yet you cant even see that, but are only thinking of yourself. If you didnt want a man with younger children, you shouldnt have married him.
> The fact that he is the step dad is irrelevant, many children are bought up and cared for my step parents who are really the only parent they know. For this little boy, he is his dad as far as he is concerned.
> Yes he should have talked to you, but he shouldn't let you stop him doing what is right for his children.
> If you dont like it you may have to leave.


If it was his child I won't have a problem with that, but this is a child that was conceived with her having an affair after affair. Would you feel the same if your husband ex's has a child that isn't his and all of the sudden your husband wanted to raise that child. Won't you be upset that he wanted to do so without discussing it with you first? Won't you have questions or feelings?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

czelegance said:


> If it was his child I won't have a problem with that, but this is a child that was conceived with her having an affair after affair. Would you feel the same if your husband ex's has a child that isn't his and all of the sudden your husband wanted to raise that child. Won't you be upset that he wanted to do so without discussing it with you first? Won't you have questions or feelings?


yes. it suggests that he's not over her. Trying to keep something in his life that doesn't include you.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

czelegance said:


> I knew he had a good heart, but no I didn't know about out all the things the ex did to him until I was already in love with him and we were engaged. I never understood why he would even stay with this woman that stepped all over him. This truly makes sense now, "H was a codependent, knight in shining armor (KISA)." Thank you for bringing this to light, now I need to see what my next step is. Thank you for being a good voice of reason.


You kind of ignored the red flags by staying engaged and then marrying. I agree with @Blondilocks though, it's technically not what you signed up for. You can leave him if you don't want full custody of the kids. His heart is in the right place, but it's complicated. Just go, divorce and travel the way you wanted to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

czelegance said:


> If it was his child I won't have a problem with that, but this is a child that was conceived with her having an affair after affair. Would you feel the same if your husband ex's has a child that isn't his and all of the sudden your husband wanted to raise that child. Won't you be upset that he wanted to do so without discussing it with you first? Won't you have questions or feelings?


That decision was made many year sago, he has been his dad right from the start. You don't have to be blood related to be a parent and again it shows what a decent man he is. I said that he should have talked to her, but I also said that he shouldnt let her stop him from doing what is right for his son.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> yes. it suggests that he's not over her. Trying to keep something in his life that doesn't include you.


I dont read that at all. Wanting to be a good and responsible dad doesnt mean he isnt over her. On the contrary, he wants to protect him FROM her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree this isn't what you signed up for. Coupled with not discussing this completely life altering decision with you.... not good. If it were me, I'd exit this marriage.

As a side note, has he even seen an attorney? You can't just get full custody of, or adopt a child who has living biological parents without jumping through many, many, many, many, many hoops. It's a lot of hoops.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I agree this isn't what you signed up for. Coupled with not discussing this completely life altering decision with you.... not good. If it were me, I'd exit this marriage.
> 
> As a side note, has he even seen an attorney? You can't just get full custody of, or adopt a child who has living biological parents without jumping through many, many, many, many, many hoops. It's a lot of hoops.


No he hasn't officially, I knew he had made an appt to see one next week which is why I started asking what his plan were and when he finally hinted he was going to try for full custody.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Stepmum here. That little boy IS his son, in every way that really matters. Your husband is the only dad he's ever known. 

When we marry someone with children, we do accept that there is a chance that is possible that we may end up with full time care. For many reasons.

That said, yes, he should have discussed it with you first. You are his wife, this is a decision that will have a major impact on your life. He may feel as though he has no choice though. His son will likely end up in foster care otherwise. Is the biological father in the picture at all?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

This is a tough one because I feel bad for the little boy.

I understand your husband got attached to the boy thinking it was his. You can definitely love a child without being biologically yours.

I also understand your husband's wish to protect the child, but he doesn't live alone anymore. He definitely had to discuss the idea of adopting him with you. And it's ok if you don't agree with his wishes.

Where's the boy's bio dad? What about his Grandparents? 

I know a couple who fostered a girl whose parents were in and out of jail for years. After years of all the back and forth, the foster parents finally got the girl's custody a couple of years ago. She's 18 now and she's ok.

The difference is the foster couple wanted a child. Fostering wasn't imposed on them. 

Why is your husband ignoring your opinion in the matter? Aren't you going to take care of the boy as well? Does he think he's the only one interacting with him? What a lack of consideration on his part!!!

Your husband might think he's mother Calcutta but I think he's got some unresolved issues from his first marriage. Making a decision without talking to his wife about it is a HUGE red flag for me. If I were you, I would rethink the idea of being married to him and his previous wife.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Your husband might think he's mother Calcutta but I think he's got some unresolved issues from his first marriage. Making a decision without talking to his wife about it is a HUGE red flag for me. If I were you, I would rethink the idea of being married to him and his previous wife.


QFT


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I wouldn't say that you're terrible for not being bonded to an affair child of your husband's ex-wfe. I also take offense at someone commenting that you want to put the kid on a scrap heap.

Yes, you deserved a conversation about this before any decision was made for a permanent solution that commits you to his decision.

That said, I can tell that you want a good solution for the child, plus his bio kid.

I suggest that fostering and adoption by someone else entirely be explored.

AND

You explore your own destiny by considering exiting from all of this--by divorce.

Both choices should be on the table.


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> This is a tough one because I feel bad for the little boy.
> 
> I understand your husband got attached to the boy thinking it was his. You can definitely love a child without being biologically yours.
> 
> ...



My husband never talks about his ex, I don't know where his grandparents are, and the bio dad was someone married she worked with that's all we know. BUT! my husband is not the only father figure this boy has had, the boy's mom moved in her boyfriend as soon as she kicked my husband out and they've been together 6 years. -_-


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## czelegance (Sep 9, 2020)

frusdil said:


> Stepmum here. That little boy IS his son, in every way that really matters. Your husband is the only dad he's ever known.
> 
> When we marry someone with children, we do accept that there is a chance that is possible that we may end up with full time care. For many reasons.
> 
> That said, yes, he should have discussed it with you first. You are his wife, this is a decision that will have a major impact on your life. He may feel as though he has no choice though. His son will likely end up in foster care otherwise. Is the biological father in the picture at all?


My husband isn't the only dad this boy knows, his mom moved in her boyfriend the very same day she kicked my husband out. They've been together 6 years now..


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

czelegance said:


> My husband isn't the only dad this boy knows, his mom moved in her boyfriend the very same day she kicked my husband out. They've been together 6 years now..


That's irrelevant. Your husband considers this boy his son. He's raised him from birth.

A "father figure" is very different from a parent.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The mom’s boyfriend doesn’t want him from what I recall reading. So that doesn’t sound like an option.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

czelegance said:


> lol. I doubt he would do that, it would not be pretty. Her and I have had plenty of words because she threw a big fit for me not moving our wedding date to one so that her son can be there. Yes hubby and I fought there too. She throws rants and raves that my husband doesn't do enough for her son, because him still taking him every 2 weeks and having birthday parties and giving him Christmas gifts are not enough. As I expressed her, funny how even after the DNA test told her he is not the father, she still wants to talk crap about him not doing enough and stepping up to do more for a child that isn't his and what about that boyfriend you have laid up next to you? Why isn't he stepping up?


Well first off, You know she is insane, I mean actually clinically mentally ill...

But look at how your Codependent husband takes crap from his insane ex wife about a child that is not his.

Tell the truth, have you never taken advantage of his naive passive nature???? I am not saying you have but you have to have seen it.

This crap in this paragraph is the stuff you have to look forward to with your H. I am sure he is a nice guy.

So yeah, you have a lot of thinking to do...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Something I thought about that hasn't been touched on yet is the economic price of your husband's decision. 

We don't know the current situation, but was he paying child support on this child? (And people, let's steer away from the ethics of whether the husband was forced or volunteered to pay this. While an interesting discussion, it's not relevant here)

Another big thing, is the legal costs. You NEED a lawyer for probably an hour to discuss a lot. 
Such as, what is the mom charged with? Is she going to jail/prison, for how long, etc., Also, if your husband is paying child support, how could that be impacted? Could the court stop the child support payments because she would likely use it to pay her legal fees (I doubt the court would do that because I know certain states get a kick back in collecting child support). 
Plus, the legal fees of pursuing full custody. Could there be any difficulties due to your husband not being the father? If you wanted to be vengeful, (which I would definitely do, but that's just me) could I force the actual father to pay child support if awarded custody? 

Lots of legal questions. 
And something else, again, TO ASK A LAWYER (and not trust people on the interest), if you decide No, I am not raising some spawn of an affair, and if your husband forces your hand, and you decide to divorce/annulment, whatever, that might impact his battle for custody. Maybe the court wants to see the child go to a full family, instead of just a single dad that, technically, might not have any real claim to the child. 

And lawyers are expensive. I'd start with a consultation first. Then figure out your plans going forward. It might turn out that the legal fight to gain full custody takes a big chunk of money you had planned to use for travelling.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of mine adopted her niece. It took more than a year. No one was contesting it including her drug addict babymama but the UK government do not treat family members as an automatic shoo in.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

michzz said:


> I wouldn't say that you're terrible for not being bonded to an affair child of your husband's ex-wfe. I also take offense at someone commenting that you want to put the kid on a scrap heap.
> 
> Yes, you deserved a conversation about this before any decision was made for a permanent solution that commits you to his decision.
> 
> ...


What else would you say about a child whose mother is useless and in jail, and whose step mother wants his sister but not him. He will end up on the scap heap unless his dad, and yes he is his dad, takes him on. Poor little thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Well, I would presume a more positive outcome than the phrase "scrap heap" implies.

I think that if she is not bonded to the children, then how is that good for the kids?

And it is possible to find loving and caring new parents Sure, it can take some work, but so what!

Alternatively, she can decide it is not her wish to be in that family.

It is a complicated situation.

I don't see the OP a a bad person at all.

The children's welfare has to be looked after. But realistically, the ex-wife's behavior resulted in a child not related to either the ex-husband or his new wife. So who is to do it?

Great that the ex-husband of the jailed lady wants to do something. But honestly? Is he the right person to do so?

Why not find a couple who is not in on the drama in any way and give a fresh start?







Diana7 said:


> What else would you say about a child whose mother is useless and in jail, and whose step mother wants his sister but not him. He will end up on the scap heap unless his dad, and yes he is his dad, takes him on. Poor little thing.





michzz said:


> I wouldn't say that you're terrible for not being bonded to an affair child of your husband's ex-wfe. I also take offense at someone commenting that you want to put the kid on a scrap heap.
> 
> Yes, you deserved a conversation about this before any decision was made for a permanent solution that commits you to his decision.
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> What else would you say about a child whose mother is useless and in jail, and whose step mother wants his sister but not him. He will end up on the scap heap unless his dad, and yes he is his dad, takes him on. Poor little thing.


Diana, everyone feels sorry for the child. 

But this is not OP's issue. 9 YEARS of child rearing for a child that does not belong to any of them. The Girl has 3 years till 18, that is substantially different. 

How can you blame OP, because she does not want to sign up for that. 

Look, at 56, I would do it for my GRAND CHILD is something happened to my daughter. And I would not hold it against my Fiancé for breaking up with me. 

She did not sign up for raising a kid at her age.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She absolutely has the option to leave if she doesn’t want any part of that and I doubt anyone would blame her. Or they shouldn’t blame her because her choice is her choice just like her husband‘s choice is his choice. The thing is — she probably doesn’t want to have to make that choice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you know what bothers me the most about this whole thing? The fact that your hb didn't discuss this with you. This does not bode well for you. 

Even if he was sure he wanted to pursue custody, there's no reason he couldn't sit you down and tell you that. Your role in this needs to be discussed; are you going to be equally responsible for discipline? Who will be taking care of this kid? I'll bet a lot of it will fall to you, so will he be ok with you acting as a parent? Do you get equal say in the decisions made regarding this child?

Yet your hb doesn't think enough of you to give any thought at all to the fact that he has a WIFE who will be impacted by this. Even if you don't get veto power a guy who considered you a partner would've initiated a discussion to see what you could work out.

If this were me I'd think very carefully about whether you want to remain in this marriage


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Op have you considered that him going for full custody is a long term ambition? Maybe an attempt at revenge against his ex wife and her boyfriend. 
And that him having a wife would help him achieve his goal. 
Could it be that you are just a part of his long term plans?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

czelegance said:


> If it was his child I won't have a problem with that, but this is a child that was conceived with her having an affair after affair. Would you feel the same if your husband ex's has a child that isn't his and all of the sudden your husband wanted to raise that child. Won't you be upset that he wanted to do so without discussing it with you first? Won't you have questions or feelings?


Was your husband married to his ex? Is there a divorce?

Does your husband have legal custody agreement filed with the courts? Is he required to pay child support?

What was type of charges does his ex have?

It's highly unlikely that the courts will change the custody arrangements if there is already one filed with the court. That's if she's in there for a short period of time.

Does the boy call your husband dad? Does he think your husband is his father?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

czelegance said:


> Y'all are not understanding what my point is, while she is in jail I have no problem stepping up and taking care of the kids, but without consulting me or discussing anything, I come to find out he wants to try to get full custody of this boy. This was only to be a temporary until she got out of jail.



We understand. 

What you need to understand is that he feels a paternal bond and responsibility to this boy even if he has different DNA. 

I’ll tell you what my mother says to all women that marry men that have children from previous relationships and then complain that their husbands spend time, energy and money on those kids - “this is what you sign up for when you marry men with kids. Your delusions of the children disappearing from the earth when you get married is a false fantasy.”


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Seriously, though; is there child support? This is an important question.

I know that in the US, in a number of states, the man listed on the birth certificate as dad is legally dad, unless he can get a court to recognize otherwise.


If he is paying, that could go a long way to explaining his motivation in this. If he is still listed on the BC as pops, he does have a legal claim to the child.

Tht being said it has no bearing on the OP's reaction to her husband sandbagging her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Diana, everyone feels sorry for the child.
> 
> But this is not OP's issue. 9 YEARS of child rearing for a child that does not belong to any of them. The Girl has 3 years till 18, that is substantially different.
> 
> ...


She married a man who had a young child. There is always a possiblity that things will change for all sorts of reasons, and that has happened. She is free to say no and leave, he is free to want to love and protect both of his children and sees it as his responsibility. He doesn't want one of his children to be rejected after his life so far has already been pretty messed up. He is being a good responsible dad. I just dont get how anyone can think its ok to say to the daughter you can live with us but to the 9 year old, sorry but we dont want you. It breaks my heart to think of how that would affect this young child. All some people here seem to be thinking about are the 'inconvenience' and cost. Someties in life we have to do the right thing and step up to the plate even if its not what we want.
In his position there is no way that I would reject a child I had called my own for 9 years. I would do all I could to care for them and protect them from their car crash of a mother. If that meant that very sadly my spouse left, so be it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

czelegance said:


> Again, you're not understanding what I am upset about. I have no problems, stepping up and taking care of the kids while the mom is in jail. I am upset that I find out my husband wants to fight for full custody of this boy without even discussing it with me.


Of course he does! He doesn't want the children being in the care of a convicted criminal who could get sentenced to jail time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> We understand.
> 
> What you need to understand is that he feels a paternal bond and responsibility to this boy even if he has different DNA.
> 
> I’ll tell you what my mother says to all women that marry men that have children from previous relationships and then complain that their husbands spend time, energy and money on those kids - “this is what you sign up for when you marry men with kids. Your delusions of the children disappearing from the earth when you get married is a false fantasy.”


Absolutely. At one point very early in our marriage it looked as if one of my husbands boys, a teenager at the time, may be coming to live with us. Two of my children had just left at that point, one was still at home, and it wasnt what I wanted but not once did I think to say no. As it happened he stayed with his mum, but thats not the point.
When I was a single mum I knew that I didnt want to marry a man with small children. My children were late teens and early 20's when we met, and his were very slightly younger.
Things can happen. One parent can die, or get very ill or have an accident, anything can cause the children to have to live with the other parent. You have to accept that if you choose to marry someone with young children.

I know a man whose wife died of cancer. The son was also 9, her son from a previous relationship, and when she died he carried on bringing this child up as his own. I dont think the boys dad was in the picture. Not long after he met another lady and her children were older, they both carried on bringing up this boy as well as being parents to her older children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Of course he does! He doesn't want the children being in the care of a convicted criminal who could get sentenced to jail time.


Who is also pretty messed up....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> She married a man who had a young child. There is always a possiblity that things will change for all sorts of reasons, and that has happened. She is free to say no and leave, he is free to want to love and protect both of his children and sees it as his responsibility. He doesn't want one of his children to be rejected after his life so far has already been pretty messed up. He is being a good responsible dad. I just dont get how anyone can think its ok to say to the daughter you can live with us but to the 9 year old, sorry but we dont want you. It breaks my heart to think of how that would affect this young child. All some people here seem to be thinking about are the 'inconvenience' and cost. Someties in life we have to do the right thing and step up to the plate even if its not what we want.
> In his position there is no way that I would reject a child I had called my own for 9 years. I would do all I could to care for them and protect them from their car crash of a mother. If that meant that very sadly my spouse left, so be it.


I think you are making too many strong assumptions here. OP had said of course she is on board with taking care of the children while the mother is in jail. That's completely different than deciding you want to try to gain full custody of a 9 year old child _without talking with your spouse about it._


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think you are making too many strong assumptions here. OP had said of course she is on board with taking care of the children while the mother is in jail. That's completely different than deciding you want to try to gain full custody of a 9 year old child _without talking with your spouse about it._


I think the OP and many women like her are the ones making too many assumptions.

She assumed since the boy was not his biological child that he would simply turn his back and walk away.

I think deep down many women assume that when a man remarries that he will either walk away and forget his prior children or he will send a monthly check and maybe take them on a summer trip to Disneyland and then otherwise forget about them.

It doesn’t work that way with decent men and fathers worth their weight in beetle dung. 

Children are for life and our lives are very long. Things change. Things happen. Remarrying does not erase the slate of prior parenthood.

When you marry someone with children, they’re lives will be intertwined with their children for life (unless they are a sh—ty parent) there’s no telling what the future will bring with those kids. 

Does the OP have the right to be upset? - yes. 

Does she have the right opt out of this situation and go about her merry way and leave him to do whatever he wants with his kids and ex? - yes she does. 

But it’s naive to assume that once a man remarries, that his parental role with his other kids becomes null and void.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I think you are making too many strong assumptions here. OP had said of course she is on board with taking care of the children while the mother is in jail. That's completely different than deciding you want to try to gain full custody of a 9 year old child _without talking with your spouse about it._


Yes he should have talked to her, I already said that, but maybe he didnt because he knew she didnt want the child. Sometimes you have do the right thing regardless of who doesnt like it. We havent been told what she did, maybe if we knew we would understand more why he no longer wants his children living with her. Maybe its drug dealing or something equally awful and she may be in jail for some time anyway. I certainly wouldn't want my children living with a criminal.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Those of you saying he should have talked to her - obviously he did talk to her because here she is. 

These kinds of custody cases can literally take years. Even if the baby momma and bio da d freely sign over custody, it will take multiple months to play out and become official.

They HAVE talked about it - she just didn’t like it and he didn’t drop the subject when she protested.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Those of you saying he should have talked to her - obviously he did talk to her because here she is.
> 
> These kinds of custody cases can literally take years. Even if the baby momma and bio da d freely sign over custody, it will take multiple months to play out and become official.
> 
> They HAVE talked about it - she just didn’t like it and he didn’t drop the subject when she protested.


That is not how I read it. I read it as he came home saying that he was going to try and get full custody and adopt if he has not already. 

As far as I can tell, HE NEVER talked to her until after he made the decision. 

I think lots of people are making lots of assumptions. OP in no way is obligated to stay if this man now has a child to raise for 9 years. 

If she wants to, then that is her deal. Just as if she did not want to, that is her deal as well.

It is not the expense it is not the work it is the time. I would not want to do it, but I would do it for blood in a particular set of circumstance like my daughter died or something.

If he want to raise the kid, which I would not had done from the start, I would have divorced his Shank Ex Wife then., then that is his deal. Go ahead and do it if you want to... 

There is absolutely noting wrong in any way for OP to be taking a strong look at this saturation and deciding if she want to do it or not...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He didn't talk to her about it. He TOLD her that is what he is going to do. Massive difference.

I think a lot of people would go into a marriage assuming they would not ever be raising FULL TIME a child _their partner's ex had with an affair partner_ who they see 4 times a month.

There are some unfortunate threads on SI in which the dude cheats and has a "love child" with his affair partner. Even being this dude's biological child, those spouses aren't very interested in raising said child. They didn't sign up or choose it. This case is even incredibly more removed. OP married a man who has an ex who has a biological child with someone else, and said child lives with his biological mother, the ex, and her partner (for the past 6 years). 

So yeah, planning to take on a huge legal battle to obtain full custody of a child who has two living biological parents, who is substantially younger than the children you thought you would have in your life through your ex, is life changing. Should have been extensive conversations with the OP about it instead of just an announcement.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I already said that, but maybe he didnt because he knew she didnt want the child.


What does that say about the marriage? 

If he treats her like that, everyone --child and adult-- would understand that divide and conquer will work very well with this couple.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Those of you saying he should have talked to her - obviously he did talk to her because here she is.
> 
> These kinds of custody cases can literally take years. Even if the baby momma and bio da d freely sign over custody, it will take multiple months to play out and become official.
> 
> They HAVE talked about it - she just didn’t like it and he didn’t drop the subject when she protested.


As you say these things take time, maybe he didnt see any point in bringing it up now till he had looked into it more thoroughly.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If he want to raise the kid, which I would not had done from the start, I would have divorced his Shank Ex Wife then., then that is his deal. Go ahead and do it if you want to...


This situation is somewhat similar to coming home and seeing that your MIL has permanently taken up residence in your home ...... and your spouse never mentioned.

Bringing someone into your home really needs to be discussed no matter what the new resident is.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> maybe he didnt see any point in bringing it up


No wonder the first woman divorced him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He didn't talk to her about it. He TOLD her that is what he is going to do. Massive difference.
> 
> I think a lot of people would go into a marriage assuming they would not ever be raising FULL TIME a child _their partner's ex had with an affair partner_ who they see 4 times a month.
> 
> ...


How do you know he has 2 living parents, and one is in jail anyway. Basically he just has his dad who has been his dad from the start. And a sister who he may well have to be seperated from if the op has her way. No decent responsible parent is ever going to reject their child whether they are their blood parent or not in such a situation. 

As I and others have said here, when you marry someone with young children you surely need to realise that things can change. The other parents can get sick or die. Anything can happen and thats part of the choice you make.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> This situation is somewhat similar to coming home and seeing that your MIL has permanently taken up residence in your home ...... and your spouse never mentioned.
> 
> Bringing someone into your home really needs to be discussed no matter what the new resident is.


I am pretty sure he already knew she didnt want him by all the things she said. Being a good responsible dad he is going ahead anyway in order to love and protect his child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> No wonder the first woman divorced him.


No wonder he divorced her, she sounds like a car wreck. He comes across as a good dad with decency and integrity.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> That is not how I read it. I read it as he came home saying that he was going to try and get full custody and adopt if he has not already.
> 
> As far as I can tell, HE NEVER talked to her until after he made the decision.
> 
> ...


Of course she isnt obligated to stay, no one said she is. She is free to leave anytime.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The OP hasn't been back in two days. Perhaps we should wait for her input?


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