# Divorce confusion



## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

My divorce happened quickly. Three months of separation, a month later, I'm divorced.

Why did it happen? Prior to being married I was in the military for sixteen years, constantly deployed. Lets just say your only sexual stimulation comes from the computer unless you want a disease. It followed me to my marriage and manifested itself. It was never a physical cheating, but it was finally caught, with a warning from my wife.. don't do it again. I did, eight years later. I admitted I had a problem, and got into therapy, and attended meetings... but not enough to save my marriage. Thirteen years of marriage done, with kids to try and save too.

I lost the love of my life, tried to press on. My nightmare was her meeting someone else and moving on, leaving me in the dust. For about three months I saw my kids and rarely saw her. I'm in a city where she has family and I've got an aunt who understands very little about my life. I struggle financially and am looking for a better job, where she has a career and makes good money.

Suddenly I am back home, with her and the kids. At this point I'm living in an apartment, but find myself with her more and more. My therapist tells me if this is what I want, roll with it and see where it goes. I'm getting better emotionally. I'm feeling some hope. We are sleeping with each other, I'm doing things I dreamed of with her, the computer screen a distant past. I explained to her that visual stimulation disgusts me now because it caused me to lose her.

Then it all died. A family get together one weekend and then I'm told we can't see each other anymore, we'll never be together, and stop caring about me. Unless its about the kids, don't talk to me.

I still love her, and she will always in my eyes be my friend. Its very hard to not be angry, buy this is my doing, I did this. I just feel we never gave it a chance. 

Why is this so confusing?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You still love her doesn’t count. I love her so she must love me too. Nope. That’s not how it works.
If you chase they will move farther away. The worst thing you can do is become a pest.
Sorry but you need to concentrate on you and your kids. Believe what she’s told you. Cut off the contact.
If not you will linger on hopium. That won’t get you a thing.
If you dont save yourself you won’t be of any value to anyone.
There is no magic. Stop looking for it.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Thanks Marc, That was what I needed to hear.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I learned very early that hanging on would make me look foolish. I met people who continued to hang on and they looked weak in my eyes. At times I could see that could happen to me and I walked myself back. 

I think the intensity of our relationship after the divorce would've somehow created that magic you speak of. When it didn't, I was disappointed. Mentally I had prepared myself early that it was over, so when this happened, I was already making progress to a finality, but it still was a disappointment.

Reading the posts here has strengthened my resolve to make a better life for me and my kids. A new career path awaits me, and I have interests that I truly want to pursue. I'm interested in a focus on meeting new people with like was interests too. Light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

I was on the fence writing the OP. Not sure what I was hearing, and wanting an out side assessment. Our own love can sometimes fog that up, and it was nice to just pose the predicament and see what I might not be seeing.

If anything, I was blessed to be able to share some intimacy with her that she deserved. I'm okay with the finality of it now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The most attractive thing you could do would be to get a new career and move on. Warning: once the love switch is flipped for a woman, it never comes back on.
It would be 10000 times easier to find love with a new woman.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> I learned very early that hanging on would make me look foolish. I met people who continued to hang on and they looked weak in my eyes. At times I could see that could happen to me and I walked myself back.
> 
> I think the intensity of our relationship after the divorce would've somehow created that magic you speak of. When it didn't, I was disappointed. Mentally I had prepared myself early that it was over, so when this happened, I was already making progress to a finality, but it still was a disappointment.
> 
> ...


Now you can focus on you. You’ll be surprised at how much you can accomplish with your life.
It took me 7 long years to get through college. I was 30 when I finally graduated. It was a hard struggle
but looking back it was the best thing I could’ve done. I had a decent job and had to go to class when I wasn’t working. I took a 40% pay cut to get started but after 3 years I not only made it back but surpassed it by @3 times what I was making.
My career really took off because I knew more than most. Life experience is a great thing.
Life isn’t necessarily fair. It’s how you handle that unfairness.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

My advice is give your x what she asked for. You can’t move on fully unless you cut contact. 
Text or email kids only. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t. 
if you don’t you’ll just linger. That won’t get you a thing.
Fix and improve yourself for you and your future. Your kids will benefit from it.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Thanks.. All of you.. it helps a great deal, as difficult as it may be to hear.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

The love switch being flipped was especially sobering.. but in my case, so very true. Convinces me even more that we'll never have what we once did.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I think she thought she could forgive but learned she couldn’t. Or maybe her resolve was weakened by slipping back into the fantasy of what she thought your marriage was. She likely realized that was never real and the marriage was a lie and came to the final realization she couldn’t get over it. At least you have closure.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think she thought she could forgive but learned she couldn’t. Or maybe her resolve was weakened by slipping back into the fantasy of what she thought your marriage was. She likely realized that was never real and the marriage was a lie and came to the final realization she couldn’t get over it. At least you have closure.


I think THIS is exactly what happened to her. She suffers from depression and when we were "back together" her depression came back hard. She told me that was a sign to her that what we were doing was wrong. Input from her family didn't help as they were in no mood to forgive me... they told her it would take years, and would never fully recover.

Recovery from this I know will take time. My moods change like the wind. I'm no longer in despair, and I feel more positive than I have in a while, its the guilt that keeps haunting me, that and the loss of someone I loved very much... it feels a bit like a death.

Marc878 has a common post theme about words and actions... it's time for me to do and make my own road.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Until you build yourself a new life, you’ll just stay in pain. Build it. Happiness will come.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I agree with her family and the other posters here. Stay away from her. The rest of her life she has to face her humiliation every day while you get a clean, fresh start.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58... The drill sergeant of the forum. I appreciate the no BS advice, telling it like it is. Both you and Marc878 aren't into candy coating anything.. much appreciated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> I think THIS is exactly what happened to her. She suffers from depression and when we were "back together" her depression came back hard. She told me that was a sign to her that what we were doing was wrong. Input from her family didn't help as they were in no mood to forgive me... they told her it would take years, and would never fully recover.
> 
> Recovery from this I know will take time. My moods change like the wind. I'm no longer in despair, and I feel more positive than I have in a while, its the guilt that keeps haunting me, that and the loss of someone I loved very much... it feels a bit like a death.
> 
> Marc878 has a common post theme about words and actions... it's time for me to do and make my own road.


You can’t think about two things at once. It’s the perfect time to focus on yourself.
Sit down and figure out what you want. Then plan on how you get there. Don’t take short cuts or veer off your goal. It won’t be easy and it will be long hard work. Anything worthwhile usually is.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Keep posting for more info. There’s a wealth of knowledge here. Use it to your advantage.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

I'm really sorry about your situation.

Please get yourself into counseling.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I guess more info is a good thing... Adds perspective.

Here goes.... because there are two sides to every coin.

As I mentioned, my ex suffers from depression. She just divulged to me recently that while I was supporting her through her many diets (She is over-weight, but I loved her no matter how she felt about herself).. trying to eat the things she needed for her diet, she was secretly eating the food she wasn't supposed to. 

During severe depressive episodes, she would blow off work... one time for almost two months. During these episodes she would frequently tell little white lies to her friends and family about not making it to get togethers or spending time with them...depression in her case makes her not want to see anyone.

My ex tends to quit before **** hits the fan. She's left numerous jobs because her depression almost catches up to her.. and she finds something better.

I've taken care of the kids.. the house (not to her satisfaction) (She is OCD...The plant could be off center on the kitchen table and it would bother her.).. I'm organizationally challenged when it comes to the house.. and I get it with both barrels. I have some college, but I was a home dad.. so as the sole supporter, I am sure there are hard feelings there.

Her libido is much higher than mine... until our interlude after our divorce...Therapy helped with that.

My therapist is exploring the possibility that this addiction I have may be an anxiety disorder. She wants me to participate in a study that tracks my phone and computer and undergo some testing because she feels at this point I should have at least had a relapse and I haven't looked at anything since we separated.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

As for my plans... I've always had a knack for the law. I've decided to enroll in college to become a paralegal and get a certification in Legal Investigation. I just recently became a member of the American Legion, and I'm working on getting certified as a shooting instructor... 

And I'm having the time of my life with my kids... seeing them grow and watching them mature.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you were a stay at home dad with with a porn addiction and didn’t give her any D for long periods of time? Yeah, that is a recipe for disaster. 

So out all those things in your past and you’ll be ok. Don’t do the porn thing.keep s steady job…..


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I'm a noob.. what is "D"?

The job is steady... doesn't pay well, barely staying afloat, but I'm looking. It's going to be a long road, but I truly believe it will sort out.

My therapist told me I was an odd duck... Not many can stay off what they are addicted to... but no way I go back to that ****, it killed my marriage, I'm not going to let it kill me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> I guess more info is a good thing... Adds perspective.
> 
> Here goes.... because there are two sides to every coin.
> 
> ...


IMO get on with your life. Setting goals and working towards them is all the therapy you need.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> As for my plans... I've always had a knack for the law. I've decided to enroll in college to become a paralegal and get a certification in Legal Investigation. I just recently became a member of the American Legion, and I'm working on getting certified as a shooting instructor...
> 
> And I'm having the time of my life with my kids... seeing them grow and watching them mature.


Why stop there? Get that as your financing and get into law school.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I guess it's never too late for anything. One of my downfalls is the stars I shoot for are closer than others. I use excuses like age (I'm in my fifties)... but you're right. Why should I stop at something when there is more? Becoming an attorney may seem daunting at this stage of my life, but I do have the rest of my life to work with. 

I should have adopted this attitude years ago...water over the dam. Nothing is keeping me from me now, so why not shoot higher?

Thanks...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HarryBosch said:


> I guess it's never too late for anything. One of my downfalls is the stars I shoot for are closer than others. I use excuses like age (I'm in my fifties)... but you're right. Why should I stop at something when there is more? Becoming an attorney may seem daunting at this stage of my life, but I do have the rest of my life to work with.
> 
> I should have adopted this attitude years ago...water over the dam. Nothing is keeping me from me now, so why not shoot higher?
> 
> Thanks...


I could have used that same excuse at 23 years old with a stay at home wife and 3 young kids. It was hard but passed quickly because I had a goal in mind. Most that I started class with dropped out along the way. 
I graduated when I was 30. Age doesn’t seem to matter as much now days. 
Set one goal and when you get there set another if you want. You’re older which means you know more. I was a young naive kid. You don’t have that problem 😂


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

HarryBosch said:


> I'm a noob.. what is "D"?


Usually "D" refers to "Divorce," but in the context of Evinrude58's post, I believe he means a word that begins with D but ends in ick, which the forum software redacts for some reason ;-)


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

HarryBosch said:


> My divorce happened quickly. Three months of separation, a month later, I'm divorced.


Curious..where do you live that you only had to be separated for three months? I’m shocked with kids involved, everything could be done that quickly.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Being unable to work and also being unable to connect with people is a sign that she was really unwell. You simply can’t function at all. It’s a legitimate disease. She wasn’t ‘avoiding’ or ‘fobbing off’ work. She was very unwell, poor thing. It can appear to others that they are excuses, but realistically, a depressed person isn’t just going to say, I’m really cracking up and can’t string a sentence together from terror, I’m that unwell. Nobody would understand that. So yes, they go on sick leave and turn down invitations: normal in severe cases. Life must have been very difficult for her, but she has been able to recover and find her light. 

I like that you show no bitterness towards her and fully accept your role in the demise of your marriage. I’m am saddened by your story but I think you show insight and seem to have gracefully accepted the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately, this means a great loss.

This will carry you through very well in life. I truly wish more people would treat their spouses better, and not take their marriages for granted. I am glad your wife was able to overcome all of this and move on from you and I am sure in time you will be ok to. It wasn’t easy for her, and it still isn’t. So continue to be kind and wish her well, it’s the best you can do for her. It sounds like you’re going to be honorable and keep doing the right thing.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Being unable to work and also being unable to connect with people is a sign that she was really unwell. You simply can’t function at all. It’s a legitimate disease. She wasn’t ‘avoiding’ or ‘fobbing off’ work. She was very unwell, poor thing. It can appear to others that they are excuses, but realistically, a depressed person isn’t just going to say, I’m really cracking up and can’t string a sentence together from terror, I’m that unwell. Nobody would understand that. So yes, they go on sick leave and turn down invitations: normal in severe cases. Life must have been very difficult for her, but she has been able to recover and find her light.
> 
> I like that you show no bitterness towards her and fully accept your role in the demise of your marriage. I’m am saddened by your story but I think you show insight and seem to have gracefully accepted the consequences of your actions. Unfortunately, this means a great loss.
> 
> This will carry you through very well in life. I truly wish more people would treat their spouses better, and not take their marriages for granted. I am glad your wife was able to overcome all of this and move on from you and I am sure in time you will be ok to. It wasn’t easy for her, and it still isn’t. So continue to be kind and wish her well, it’s the best you can do for her. It sounds like you’re going to be honorable and keep doing the right thing.


Thank You. I'm trying. Just recently in therapy I was told that if she suffered as much as she has, something may have happened to her in her past that I may know nothing about.

I will always lover her. I'm moving on for me, for my kids, and for her.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Curious..where do you live that you only had to be separated for three months? I’m shocked with kids involved, everything could be done that quickly.


I'll just ball park and tell you the Midwest... don't want to get into specifics.

My only wish is that we would have seen an MC. Would that have helped? Not sure.. would I have confessed my sins? Not sure. I read a post here that summed up my wishing.. If someone is willing to quit on you so quickly, it tells you something about them.

But I'm still responsible for the failure of this marriage. I can't throw her unwillingness to seek a MC on her... thats unfair.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

HarryBosch said:


> Evinrude58... The drill sergeant of the forum. I appreciate the no BS advice, telling it like it is. Both you and Marc878 aren't into candy coating anything.. much appreciated.


It’s harsh but real. Many people in your shoes come here and just want people to support their decisions and choices. From the outside looking in the bad choices people make are really easy to see…..from your side not so much. Being a listener is your fastest path to recovery


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