# resurfacing again



## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

To those who have been in contact or responded to my posts over the last 9+ months, I want to first thank you all genuinely for everything you've helped me through. And to those I'm not familiar with b/c I've been away for a while...hello. I've needed some time to push forward, so I thought I'd come here to say how things have been.

I'll start by saying that this post is not an opportunity to put the problems I've had/faced/endured out on the table. If you wish to familiarize yourself, my previous posts are still available. 

It's now been nearly 10 months since W left (I'll refer to her as W for now...since technically still together). It doesn't seem like it, but a year has almost come & gone. I celebrated the new year in retrospect of what has happened to me, what I was able to pull myself out of and things I've done that (although not noticeable at the time) have shaped me into who I am today. I'm not about to start badmouthing my wife for what she did, or how she did it...but instead look at what she did in a broader sense and figure out that it may have been a good thing looking forward. I never thought I'd say such a thing, but I've been through 8 months of therapy & counseling (HIGHLY recommended), physical transformation (not by choice at first), spiritual enlightenment, and overall growth of myself as an individual. I can say for a fact that I'm no longer the man I once was...not that that guy was bad or intolerable... just unaware, worn, misinterpreted and lacked effective communicative skills. Guess I consider that the old me. Suffice it to say, this whole thing has eliminated that side of me. Dare I say I'm much the opposite now.

So I've posted many thoughts to individuals stressing how one should let go of a spouse who has no desire to be connected anymore. I did this early on with a letter, however I must confess that even though that letter was sent, a part of me still held on for hope that things could come back around somehow. But I started relearning my life anyway...b/c regardless, I would have to come out a stronger person or risk crumbling at the hands of my own inability to accept what was. That hope seemed to have diminished itself over months and I found myself becoming more outgoing w/ people. It was something I wasn't used to, but figured I'd see what happened. And over time I 'came out of my shell' if you will. It gave a new sense of confidence and helped me communicate better in therapy sessions as well. Long story short, that kept snowballing. And add to it the numerous other things I was doing to either stay busy, active or just occupied in general. It showed me that I had better potential than what I thought I had even before she left. I've since created a wider circle of friends who honestly care about my well being...not just saying they do...and have a new respect for those who take time to listen and constructively discuss things/problems/ideas that I've tried to get out.

So to pause for a second, I wanted to briefly touch on W and share how I was able to let go completely of all hope. It was around Sept when lawyers became involved. A bit premature, but she had filed a marital agreement. I hadn't had any verbal contact with her in months and now was expected to comply. I obtained a lawyer and came up with a response. I didn't send it though b/c I wanted to see one last time if anything had changed, remembering back to who she was when I last saw her. She was then very angry & resentful, spiteful and doing things with a set plan that she created over a couple years (the 'escape' plan). So I managed to meet her briefly to see if there was anything left...putting all of myself out there b/c I knew how far I had grown in all those previous months. It seemed though that all my words were for not and she regressed to the same bitter person I saw before as she threw everything I said back at me. I couldn't even listen to her sharply restate every point she had stated before. I could just sit there calmly and watch the coldness in her face, thinking to myself, "I wish I could help her. I wish I could understand why she can't let go of so much aggression and hostility, and that she has 'said' she was great and happy...however, is anything but." I left that night without my wedding band on my finger for the first time in 9 years. Honestly, it stayed on b/c it became less a symbol of our marriage and more a symbol of the strength I had grown from it. But I also had the strength to pull away from her that night for good. Not b/c I didn't love her anymore, but b/c there was no hope left of her looking back at anything. Her mind was made up and I could do nothing to change the outcome anymore. I had put all of myself, all my efforts, all of who I had become out there for her to see...but she wanted no part of it.

Funny, looking back at that, b/c who I am now is what she wanted me to be just before she left. But that was a big part of her problem...I wasn't who SHE wanted me to be. _Lesson learned for all: you can't change anyone but yourself. Also: don't spend your life trying to manage everyone else's problems before your own. Look at who you are and refer back to the first point._


[if anyone needs to use the restroom, I'll pause and get a snack or something]


And we're back.

So after considering her anger, the agreement, the non-existent communication we've had...I decided that I distance myself from things for a little while. This is the reason I took myself away from TAM...as much as it's helped, it was becoming a reminder of the meltdown of a marriage for me. So I backed away and kept busy with an assortment of things (remodeling the house, doing more at work, finding out who I wanted to be after all this was over, etc, etc). Then, there was a second refusal of my revisions to her agreement. I had learned to let go of and process anger over the entire summer. It was good. And significantly helped me in a lot of everyday situations. However, this final rejection had put me over the edge. To know that she wasn't willing to bend on anything led me to harbor anger for over a month. Mind you, it wasn't that I was mad at her for wanting to end things. I was fine with that b/c I knew where her head was at. But more upset with the way she went about doing it. And every time I wanted to do anything about it, I had to go through the lawyer...which had/has depleted finances from little to almost none.

And this was the point where you could say I confirmed my stance to end everything. This was no longer the same woman I once married, considered my soulmate & best friend, or the woman I felt honored to be married to. She has long been gone. And I couldn't/can't be married to someone who sees everything only in black & white. There's so many gray values in between that were never examined or even taken notice of. But she wants what she wants and I will not stand in her way. Sad to say that even looking at some of those gray values could have helped her tremendously (if not for our sake, for herself). But again, you can only change yourself.

So to this point in the new year of 2012, I've already vowed to somehow make it a better year than the one before. Even though D filing is quickly nearing on the horizon, I feel that her leaving has forced me to deeply pick myself apart and rebuild from the inside out. It's taught me an abundance of long-lasting life lessons to carry though into something more meaningful (as long & down-the-road as that may be) and has brought me full circle to the true essence of myself and what is best for me in various aspects in life.

To close, I want to again thank everyone (especially Jellybeans--hope you're still listening) who has been there through my journey in one form or another. And know that there is light at the end if you're struggling through the same. It may not seem like it, but later on you'll understand better why things happened the way they did in the first place. 

Persevere. Be strong. Find yourself. And it will work.
Honestly.


Happy New Year to you all!
Guess you can get up and stretch now


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Thanks for the update, I hope Iget to a place soon where this is something I don't even think about anymore. Still doing the legal stuff, STBXH has not exactly been n top of things, but they are moving now. We have most of a settlement agreement, waiting for a court date at the end of the omnth. Then, after 28 years of marriage, it will all be over. Two great kids, lots of good memories despite the story he tells himself and therapist. I have things to be responsible for, but I loved that man truthfully every minute we were together.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Unfortunately it's nothing you (we) have control over. It's a path they chose to not divert from no matter what the circumstance. Hard as it is, we have to accept. And it sounds to me like you have...if not fully...but at least to a point of clarity for yourself and children. I agree about the difficulty of being the scapegoat of another's stories being spun to others, but it shows what he wasn't able to grow out of for himself. The finger pointing, blame shifting and constant accusations (false as they may be) are an immediate gratification for him that justify his actions to the rest of the world. So if they choose to live that life, so be it. Know for yourself what actually happened between you two, take ownership of your own faults and learn to build again from the mistakes. Madaboutlove – you seem to have this under your belt already, given the calmness of your response. That's very respectable. Showing strength & dignity in the face of this life-altering event is, more or less, one of the only weapons we have to preserve ourselves. Without that, we lose everything.


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

I read through your earlier posts and brother, and it's almost freaky how your situation almost mirror-images my own (feel free to see for yourself in my thread!). 

My "revelation" only came a few days ago. We had a great Christmas, despite being separated for 10 months. I thought that she and I were totally getting back on track, but just like your W, she bottled everything up, cleverly hiding true intents until the very end. Like you, I cried at the loss of my wife, but not as though we were getting divorced; rather, it felt like I was mourning her death. The woman I married died long ago, and it kills me that I don't even know when. 

Also like you, I'm taking great comfort in reacquainting myself with God. I can't tell you how much strength and solace I found stepping back into a church (a GOOD church, mind you, filled with joyful people who actually believe what the Book says).

L and L, I thank you heartily for your posts. I've only been on this forum for a few days, but I've read literally hundreds of posts - actually, I've read almost all of them in this subforum. I gotta say, yours touched me the most with its honesty and sincerity. 

Take heart, L and L and everyone else out there whose in the same miserable boat...I firmly believe the hand of God will bring us to brighter shores. :smthumbup:


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I appreciate the compliments, but the good, sane thoughts about my value and the end of this marriage is often followed by anger and extreme sadness. I am doing my best with IC, family and friends to keep looking forward and not get dragged in to the past too often


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

*Meatpuppet*–
I'm glad that my previous posts were able to help in one form or another. For myself, I have gone through hundreds of pages of journal writing about things/thoughts/etc during all this. TAM became another outlet to get these thoughts out so (apologies for any posts that were too lengthy) I took advantage when I needed everyone's perspectives. It's been a huge bonus in terms of personal growth and open discussion. Stick with it for a while...you'll be surprised what you learn from everyone.

I'm sorry that our situations are mirrored though. But you're right in saying it's like mourning a death. The one we once knew is no more, and it seems there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. I've learned that there's little to no chance of change from the spouse who has checked out of a marriage. Only your own hope for self preservation and determination to change for yourself. We all get dealt a certain hand in life, but it's up to us whether we play or fold. I've learned to go all in and hope you can eventually do the same.

*
madaboutlove*–– Just b/c you experience those thoughts of anger and sadness doesn't make you any less of what I said you've shown us. Those instances are completely normal...in fact, if they DIDN'T occur I'd be questioning if you were just in denial. It shows that you are in touch with who you are, what you wanted and what was lost. It's fine to feel these things, as sometimes it seems they were just ripped right from us. But your sadness reflects that there is remorse at a deeper, more caring level...not just b/c you were the victim of this breakdown. It's not something we ever thought would happen, but it has and there's not much (if anything) we can do to change it. I know a lot of that same sadness you feel stems from our spouses' inability to see the reality of things. It's frustrating. But let yourself feel that pain. Not looking at it only delays the inevitable meltdown later on. It won't last forever. It may seem like it will...but it fades in time. Keep seeing your counselor and talking to friends who either have been though something similar or are just true friends who will hear you out and be there for you. TAM counts too. It helps to just get it all out sometimes. You're doing well though. Don't turn back on that now. This takes time and all sorts of unexpected turns.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Lost- I hope I end up in the same place you are some day. You are truly graceful in an ungraceful place. Thanks for sharing


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Sure thing. Glad I can help.

Sometimes we have to lose everything to figure out who we actually are. It's a tough road, but worth it in the long run.


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