# No, You can't make a person change



## Deejo

I only throw'em up if I think they are worthwhile. In light of the simple fact that many of our struggles revolve around issues or incompatibilities with our partners ... family, friends or colleagues, I thought this was a good read.

No, you cant' make a person change


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## Mr.Married

The problem is Timmy is just a loser !

Anyhow .... yeah people can't be made to change. Best way is they "change in response to" and not "because you told them to".

That dynamic plays out all the time here in the sex department. "I had a talk with him/her ..... it was better for a week then back to the same thing"


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## OnTheFly

Good article, I agree, mostly....(I quibble with the notion that an obsessive go-kart hobby is odd)


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## arbitrator

*And while they will often give lip service to changing, they will often simultaneously "mask" the real person that they truly are, as there is little to absolutely no way that they are going to commit to "change" ~ for themselves or for anybody else!*


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## Deejo

Actions over words.

It applies equally (and powerfully) to both offended and offender.


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## blazer prophet

Really good article. I like it when he states to ask better questions, and not provide better answers. People have to see the need to change themselves. Then even so, they have to want to make the changes from within. 

This is also why the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater" has credibility. Doesn't mean people will continue to cheat, but it's their DNA, so to speak. Cheaters have to recognize their brokenness and force themselves to take actions to keep them from betraying again. An alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 20 years tell you, "I am an alcoholic". Yes t5hey are. They're just keeping sober to for the sake of themselves first, and loved ones second.


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## lifeistooshort

Yes x 1000.

Realizing and accepting that my ex hb was what he was and not only was he not going to change but it wasn't fair to ask him to was life changing for me. I realized we were incompatible and my anger disappeared.

Not that I didn't have my moments, but for the most part I accepted that he didn't do anything out of malice.

Trying to force an incompatible relationship to work is akin to forcing a square peg into a round hole.

People not only don't change.....they usually can't. Find someone who works with you just as they are.


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## TXTrini

This was a very sad read for me, but so true.


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## Casual Observer

Deejo said:


> I only throw'em up if I think they are worthwhile. In light of the simple fact that many of our struggles revolve around issues or incompatibilities with our partners ... family, friends or colleagues, I thought this was a good read.
> 
> No, you cant' make a person change


My key takeaway was that you can't make people change; they have to want to change. In my wife's case, she wants to get better without having to change. She doesn't want anything to do with something that causes her to have to retrace her steps and figure out the why. That's really tough for me to get past. She will agree to not do something (for a while), but since she won't agree to recognize the reasons it's bad. So after a couple of days, she's back to where she started. Because she cannot, will not, examine the thinking that gets her to where she is. 

It's not enough to do the right thing. You have to accept why it was wrong to do the wrong thing.

Why is important.


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## Marc878

Change.

Every time I here that word I cringe.

I've managed as many as 750 over multiple departments over the years and what I've seen is if the have a character flaw. Selfish, lazy, dishonest, etc they maybe able to manage or control it (I don't consider that change) but to actually change that? I've never seen it. Not saying it can't happen but....

An alcoholic may never take another drink but he's still an alcoholic.

To many see what they want to see and end up with repeated behavior.


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## Casual Observer

Marc878 said:


> Change.
> 
> Every time I here that word I cringe.
> 
> I've managed as many as 750 over multiple departments over the years and what I've seen is if the have a character flaw. Selfish, lazy, dishonest, etc they maybe able to manage or control it (I don't consider that change) but to actually change that? I've never seen it. Not saying it can't happen but....
> 
> An alcoholic may never take another drink but he's still an alcoholic.
> 
> To many see what they want to see and end up with repeated behavior.


So you don't think there is value in looking at what created the discordant values and asking oneself if that was the only lesson/direction to be learned/created from that event or circumstance? I think, if people see other options that could have been taken, given the same circumstances, perhaps they might at least bend a little in their thinking. 

If things didn't have to turn out a certain way, they don't have to continue turning out that certain way *IF* you can believe in alternatives. If you just think life throws things at you and your fate is determined by what's thrown instead of how you react, then no. Nothing will change. Ever.


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## Marc878

Casual Observer said:


> So you don't think there is value in looking at what created the discordant values and asking oneself if that was the only lesson/direction to be learned/created from that event or circumstance? I think, if people see other options that could have been taken, given the same circumstances, perhaps they might at least bend a little in their thinking.
> 
> If things
> didn't have to turn out a certain way, they don't have to continue turning out that certain way *IF* you can believe in alternatives. If you just think life throws things at you and your fate is determined by what's thrown instead of how you react, then no. Nothing will change. Ever.


What you are talking about is not core behavior. For example: you can learn to listen or communicate better, take over more duties around the hous, help out more, etc.


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## cc48kel

True.. BUT I think if they want to change they will but often won't. We are in counseling (again) and treatment for his aniexty/anger issues was given (meds). He has refused so he doesn't care to 'change' for our marriage. That's sad.


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