# Not sure how to feel about this...



## 2bhappy4me (Jun 2, 2014)

My husband and I are in the process of divorcing. Its been a month since I said "I think we should consider separating." He literally thanked me when I said, "I think we should consider separating since we do not seem to be making each other happy." Since that time, it feels as though everything has been on a fast track and not by me. 

BACK STORY - We have been married for almost 10 years. He was going through what I considered to be a mid-life crisis and kept saying "I just want to be happy." He went out of town to visit his best friend and came home saying this and how he felt that he wanted more from life, etc.. This was the end of March, well everyday it was the same thing and he was talking about talking to his divorced lady friends. I knew where it was heading and I figured that if I didn't speak up and say...Let's take a time out, we would continue in the same pattern. This occurred the last wk of April. We had talked about divorcing but it was not something we had said we were looking to do immediately. We still live together. Well the next thing I know, its the 3rd wk of May and he's retained a lawyer and started having divorce papers drawn up & reviewed. I've not been served yet but know that it's coming in a wk or so. He went out of town this wkd to play in a tournament with his best friend that he went to visit in late March. He got home this evening and I said, "Hey...did you have a good time, how did it go?" Next thing out of his mouth was, yeah but... So I instantly knew something happened. I looked at him and he looked very serious so I said..."So you slept with someone" All of this is going on as I was cleaning the kitchen and trying to cook dinner for our 3 year old. He looked at me like  and proceeded to say, "Well can I talk to you as a friend??" "I didn't plan for it to happen but...Remember the girl I told you about ...well it was a mistake and I regret it but...etc"

At this point I instantly go into numb mode and pretend that I am not bothered and that I am just a friend listening...Well needless to say, I had expected that he would be the one to move on first given all of the changes that I've noticed over the past few wks. I had told him that I thought he would be the one who would be dating, etc before me as he had asked me a lot of fishy questions involving doing things with others. 

Ultimately, the point is ...I feel...Hurt..Sad and Conflicted and a lot of other emotions but NOT Mad. Yet, I also feel like I don't have that right since we are going to be divorcing. He said, "Are you disappointed in me?" I responded, "No. I can't say that I am disappointed, I guess honestly I anticipated you'd do it. I feel weird about it and I am not sure what else to say." He said he was "Sorry for everything" and commented that I seem to be dealing with everything really well. I told him "On the outside, Yes but there's a lot more to it." 

Anywho, I guess I am just looking for a sounding board / guidance since this is all so new. Any comments and thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for listening.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Let him go. I have a feeling he is going to regret this. But the best thing is to not try to hold him back.

I'm very sorry. It is like a death, and is painful to grieve the loss.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2bhappy4me said:


> Ultimately, the point is ...I feel...Hurt..Sad and Conflicted and a lot of other emotions *but NOT Mad*. Yet, I also feel like I don't have that right since we are going to be divorcing. He said, "Are you disappointed in me?" I responded, "No. I can't say that I am disappointed, I guess honestly I anticipated you'd do it. I feel weird about it and I am not sure what else to say." He said he was "Sorry for everything" and *commented that I seem to be dealing with everything really well*. I told him "On the outside, Yes but there's a lot more to it."


The anger is coming. Be ready for it.

The Five Stages of Loss and Grief


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

The bit where he told you he slept with somebody and you held back and acted like a friend was hard to read. As indiecat said, let him go. You are going to be better off. 

This is going to be a really hard time. The hardest you've ever been through maybe. Your emotions will be up and down. Your thoughts will turn one way and then another. Little things will take you back to where you thought you've moved beyond. It will be hard, very hard.

But you can come out of this a better and stronger person.

What are you doing for a social life? Do you have friends and people you can hang out with to have fun (not to dump your problems on...don't do that too much with people...maybe occasionally talk about it, but too much will drive friends away). If you have become isolated, now is the time to reach out.

What about your appearance and health? Are you a member of a gym? Working out is a good stress reliever and it will help your mind and emotions. It will also help you feel better about yourself as you get into shape if you've let go.

What about counseling? Are you seeing a therapist? If not, why not? Therapy can really help you deal with things, and can be a place to dump your thoughts so you don't overwhelm friends or anything. It will also help you work out things that you need to work out for yourself so that going forward, you take lessons from this time and don't repeat mistakes. There is little drawback to it. The fact that you felt numb suggests you might need some therapy on how to cope with pain and loss and get through it rather than shutting it down and stuffing it away.

If your husband files for divorce, do you have a lawyer yet? Do not move out of your house or anything. He has admitted cheating. Protect yourself. 

What about hobbies? What do you do with your time? Good time to take up some new stuff. Do you have your own income?


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