# Just want to vent and looking for advice



## SAD DAD (Feb 23, 2009)

I'm 40 years old and have been married to my wife for 12 years. We have a 10 year old son, and a 6 year old daughter. I also have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
I'll try to make this short. We have been having problems for the past 10 years.
We live in a small town 1 mile away from my parents and 25 miles away from hers.
I work 10 hours a day in different town but my wife works for her mom at their home for about 3 hours a day. My children go to school in the town that she works in not the one they live in. 
Her typicle day is taking the kids to school, then going to her parents house where she sits for 6 1/2 hours doing nothing. She then picks up our kids from school and goes to her parents house where she works for 2 - 3 hours, 3:00pm-6:00pm usually and then gets home around 7:30pm or 8:00pm. I get home at 5:30 pm. Therefore, I don't get to spend much time with my kids.

My main problems are that I don't get to spend much time with my kids. My parents only get to see them on special occasions (x-mas,birthdays,etc.) My wife hates my parents and tries to keep my kids away from them. But they are around her parents, who I get along with, all the time. I have tried to take my kids around my parents but it always ends up with her yelling and fighting with me and the kids. 

Also there are money issues. I pay for everything. She pays for nothing. She claims it is my job to pay for everything and provide for our family. My money is ours and her money is hers. I pay for the car she drives as well and she refuses to help financially. She refuses to get a job, to work normal hours, and help me. 

We are no longer have a relationship together. We sleep in seperate rooms. 

In addition to all of this, she does not like my oldest daughter who is her step daughter.

She also has medical issues that cause her to take pain killers on a regular basis. The problem is, I think she is taking too much and I feel she has an addiction. I am worried for the safety of my children when they are with her in an automobile.

I have been on anti-depressants for 9 years and have seriously thought about ending my life because I feel like I'm trapped in hell and can't get out. I have no friends to talk to because my wife will not allow it. If I do anything with my family by myself, because she and the kids won't go, she makes me feel guilty by telling my kids that I don't want to spend time with them.

Now, to top it off, income tax time is here. Since she works for her mom she doesn't get a w-2 like everyone else I have to pay for her taxes that they conviently "forget" to pay thoughout the year along with the penalty that goes with it ( we file jointly) . 

On the money I make I don't think I would be able to get a divorce. Would I have to pay alimony? I just don't know what to do. I love my kids and would miss them but I feel I can't live like this anymore.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Get a therapist/psychologist first chance you can. Nothing is worth ending your life over ever. Why have you stuck with the relationship for so long? File your taxes not jointly, since her money is hers it is only fair she pays her own taxes right?

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your wife is self centered and controlling. It is time for you to set your boundaries with her. You have a say-so in how your kids are raised and there interaction with your family. You have input on money and all the money made in your marriage belongs to you both. Your wife acts this way because you have enabled her and she won’t attempt change until forced. If you are this close to leaving the marriage, tell her and set up the ground rules for moving forward in the marriage. If she doesn’t want to join you when you take the kids to visit your family, fine. And this garbage about using the kids to make you feel guilty is unacceptable. Kids should never be used as a weapon.


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## SAD DAD (Feb 23, 2009)

Thank you draconis and amplexor. We have been to counselors but have been no help since my wife refuses to return after they tell her she's doing something wrong. Went to one by myself and helped a little. Just can't afford it. It get's expensive. I understand Amplexor that I have basically allowed this to happen. I have fought her on the issue with my parents not seeing their grandchildren for almost 11 years and feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have taken my daughter a number of times to see my parents with my wife following me to the door telling me they would leave when I got back. She doesn't leave, but I just hate for my kids to be subjected to that everytime I take them, so I just give in and don't go so it won't cause a fight. I know she sees this as a way of controlling me, and them, but I just don't know what to do. I've just had enough of the fighting. And I have filed seperate with taxes but I usually end up paying the same because she claims the kids before I get to. And yes, she uses the kids as weapons because if I make her mad by taking them to see my parents then she will leave them at her parents house for the night to punish me. She has convinced my 10 year old son that my parents are mean people and he no longer wants to be around them. Thing is, they haven't done anything wrong. They just want to see their g-children. My wife just loves to control me and them. And I guess in a way I let her. I don't want to leave my kids and have them grow up with their parents divorced but without her willing to compromise, I feel there is no other choice.


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## stilltrying99 (Feb 22, 2009)

You need to talk to someone that can be there for you throughout these issues you are going through. I know that therapists are very expensive. I am not a big religious person, BUT when I needed help I did go talk to a minister/priest. I asked to be there with an open ear and not to lecture me on scriptures. The minister ended up helping so much- just having someone to confide in took a lot of pressure off me. 
You can't live the way you are. You and your children deserve much more. I wish you the best!


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

You need to get away and sit down with the grandparents yourself and tell them your wife has issues with drugs. The grandparents and the kids will be affected by this. My brothers mother and father in law did not want my nephews and neices to see my side of the family. And to this day it pisses me off, its been twenty years. And yes it has hurt them also.


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## SAD DAD (Feb 23, 2009)

Thanks guys. I have tried to talk with my in-laws about the problems with our children and they don't want to talk about it and see nothing wrong with my wife doing what she does. I guess because they are all getting what THEY want. Also, talked to them about the 10 oxycodone pills a day and 2 fentanyl patches she wears everyday and they see nothing wrong with that either. Probably because they pop pills like they're candy too.
I also addressed how I feel my wife is allowing my father-in-law to basicly push me out of the picture with my son. My father-in-law is retired and spends alot of time with him. He has 5 grandchildren but for some reason, my son is his favorite. My son can only play the sports my father-in-law wants him to play, and do the things he and my wife agrees with. It's like I have no say so in the raising of him. If I say something, it's like I don't exist. And my son listens to him before me. For instance, if I tell him to one thing and my father-in-law tells him to do another, he will do what my father-in-law says. Every time! No exceptions. And they all see nothing wrong 
with it. As I said before. I feel I have lost control, they have all the control and I don't know what to do but leave.
My wife is 39 and her dad still treats her like she's 15. She's still daddy's little girl. I have been told to move to get her away from her parents and mine but she says we're not moving. Heck I already live 30 miles away from them. If I moved to another state, they'd probably move there too.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I have to say, and it ain't pretty but you need to grow a pair. Now don't get mad at me i'm just sayin...... ok. Now listen to this, killing yourself is not the answer, hell then your inlaws will think they won and your kids are going to be suffering the rest of their life. You do not want that to happen do you? Stand up and be a man, if you want to take the kids to your parents take them! Who cares what she says, get those kids away for the weekend and let them see normal people for a change. Tell your wife to get her work done during the day and then to be home at a decent hour so you can have time to be with them, help with homework, play a game etc. Be a father the best you can, we all have to work but put as much quality time in with the kids as you can. If the wife doesn't like it so what? It's time dude.......grow a pair.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well keep venting on here !!! dont even think of taking your own life ..Its not the answer and you will find a way to start taking control of your life back.
I belive that children need grandparents in there lifes and your parents also need to have a active part in your childrens lifes tell your wife that once every two weeks that you are going to visit them with your children shes welcome to come if she wants but if not then it fine.
find a time where you can have some son dad bonding go to the park and have fun .. 

only you can control your life ..noone has the right to controll anyone


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## SAD DAD (Feb 23, 2009)

sirch said:


> I have to say, and it ain't pretty but you need to grow a pair. Now don't get mad at me i'm just sayin...... ok. Now listen to this, killing yourself is not the answer, hell then your inlaws will think they won and your kids are going to be suffering the rest of their life. You do not want that to happen do you? Stand up and be a man, if you want to take the kids to your parents take them! Who cares what she says, get those kids away for the weekend and let them see normal people for a change. Tell your wife to get her work done during the day and then to be home at a decent hour so you can have time to be with them, help with homework, play a game etc. Be a father the best you can, we all have to work but put as much quality time in with the kids as you can. If the wife doesn't like it so what? It's time dude.......grow a pair.


Ok. I understand that I have LET most of this happen to me by not standing up for myself like I should. I don't know if I said it before, but when I do stand up for myself and take the kids whenever I want, she purposely leaves them at her parents house for the night as some sort of punishment to me.
If I go and get them there is always a confrontation between me and her family in front of the kids. And the same with me taking them to my parents house. If I take them, she also raises hell with me in front of the kids and then raises hell with them when we get back to the point they are crying and feel they have done something wrong. 
My wife tells my 6 year old daughter that if she goes to see my parents that she is "being mean to mommy and that God is keeping a list of the times your mean to mommy so just remember that little girl". What do I do with that?
There are also other issues in our marriage. 
We haven't had sex in over 6 months. Heck, it may have been longer than that, I can't remember. It's always me initiating it and her telling me no. She NEVER initiates it. 
And there is the money situation I talked about. I can't afford to pay all the bills and she refuses to help pay. Should I stop paying for her car? Stop paying the insurance on her car? She says I'll be hurting the kids not her because they won't have a way to school. They can't take the bus because they don't go to school in our district in the town we live in. They go to school 30 miles away. I can't bring myself to do that. I have been told that I am too good of a person to people especially my wife and that it has come back to bite me in the but for being like that.
Also, she is a dance instructor and teaches kids so they have to take classes after school. Therefore, she teaches from 3:00 until 6:00 and sometimes has classes later than that with no set time. I have told her to get home earlier but it doesn't help.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

If she is doing things like that to the kids you need to put a stop to it! Why do the kids go to school thirty miles away? Is the schools better over there or is that what she wants? This women has serious issues and she needs to be stopped from telling kids God is keeping a list, that is not right. Put a stop to this insanity now, kids do not deserve to have this kid of abuse happen to them. How do you think these kids are going to be when they grow up? Yep, just like mommy and daddy because thats all they have been taught, this situation is going (if it hasn't already) scar them for life. As I said become the man in that house and put and end to that crap these kids are going through.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SAD DAD said:


> My wife tells my 6 year old daughter that if she goes to see my parents that she is "being mean to mommy and that God is keeping a list of the times your mean to mommy so just remember that little girl".


Unbelievable. Does she have any idea of how much damage she is causing your children? What kind of example is she setting for them? This is cruel beyond understanding. You need to take a stand for your kids.


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