# Husband's Job situation



## Red21817

I am posting because I just am at my end point and I need some advice. My Husband and I have been married for a little over a year. In that year my husband has worked 3 different jobs. He is a very hard worker and gets antsy if he's not working (so the issue isn't that he doesn't want to work). While we were dating and engaged he was at the same job for at least 3 years.Before that He worked at the same job for 10 years. So there was no indication he'd be a job hopper. Otherwise I wouldn’t of married him.

When we got married he moved to my city (2 hours away from his hometown) and found a great job. However, months into the job he complained his boss was not treating him right. He wanted to look for something else. Even though I thought he should stay at his job, I supported his decision because I felt like maybe it was as bad as he made it seem. He found another job. However, He didn't like this new job due to the long commute (we live in the bay area) and having to deal with raccoons and other wild life. He quit that job and found another job. 

By this point I was fed up. I told him whatever job he got next he needed to stay at because I was over the job hopping. He promised he would stay at this next job. No matter what! The other job didn't even start for 2 months! He had to get shots, and background checks, etc to work security in a hospital. So for 2 months we were living off my teacher salary. Now he is unhappy at this job because they lied to him. He thought he would have help, but he is the only night shift officer for a big time hospital. It is a stressful situation. He is having a lot of stress related health effects and chest pains. So now he is looking for yet another job. I told him this was fine but I am getting resentful. I don't have a problem with him leaving his current job because the stress and health issues aren't worth it. I am just VERY frustrated with him because this is the 3rd job in 1 year that he is quitting! 

I may pull my hair out if he even complains about this next job!He says to trust him and he promises to stay no matter what. I really want to trust him but my patience is running thin. It's not easy to survive in the bay area on one income- let alone a teacher's income. I want to believe this new job will be different but to be honest I really don't trust that He won't try to pull this mess of quitting again. My patience is pretty much out with his job situation. Yes I have told him completely how I feel. He already knows, but I don’t know if he really understands. So I'm looking for advice. Thoughts?


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## FieryHairedLady

Sorry, I don't really have any advice for you.

My hubby drives me crazy too. 

I am about ready to choke him out.

In our last city, my husband was juggling 2 pt jobs, working some nights and weekends. 2 years there. 

I was working pt also.

A position opened up 90 minutes away where he could work ONE job ft with 5-10 hours OT per week, no nights or weekends. Paid holidays. He makes more at this job then his 2 other jobs plus my pt job.

So we moved up here.

He loves the hours, loves having more family time. Loves the no nights or weekends. 

But he says he is miserable at the actual job.

We have been here 6 months and are supposed to buy a house.

And I get to deal with this?

ugghhhh lol

MEN!!!


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## [email protected]1

So you are living in one of the most expensive cities in the entire country, making it pretty high up in the world standing too.

My mortgage was $600 when I had one. Ten acres, big garage/shop, one three-bedroom house plus a grandma cabin. Outbuildings. It would be at least $10,000 a month in the Bay area, with a lot less land. I just looked at $5,000 a month rental homes with tiny back yards they call an "oasis" lol. I have heavy equipment sprawling all over the place - dozers, dump trucks, excavators, etc. I have to run a 'dozer over all the new saplings that grow up about every five years just to keep about 4 acres cleared. 

One of the contracts I have ongoing with a client is cost of living data services for hundreds of places all over the US and about half a dozen overseas places. So I look up a lot of interesting stuff, and see big houses with huge yards selling for $50K in places like Arkansas. Gas is $1 a gallon cheaper there than where I live. 

One person on a teacher salary can live comfortably in huge swathes of the country. Choosing to live in one of the most expensive places in the world is choosing a lot of stress.


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## Edo Edo

So just tell him that you don't mind him looking for a job that is fulfilling to him, but as a family unit, you can't accommodate long periods of only living off your income alone. Tell him that if he wants to switch jobs again, that's fine, but he can not leave his old job until he actually finds a new one. That way, there won't be a gap in the income...


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## kag123

Does he have a degree? Career field he wants to pursue? 

What were the previous jobs he had, and what was different about them that made it tolerable for him to stay there for so long? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## uhtred

Too much job hopping can look really bad on a resume so he does need to settle down. Are you able to talk with him and figure out what sort of job he really wants? Maybe he is not looking for the right type of work so he keeps ending up with jobs he hates. 

The economy is pretty good right now so finding jobs is fairly easy. In the next downturn it will probably get really tough.


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## VermiciousKnid

So his work history was pretty stable until something changed in his life. That change was getting married and moving to a new place. That is the stress that has entered into his life that could be causing his employment issues. He doesn't want to rock the boat at home so he's transferring the blame for his unhappiness onto his jobs and thinks if he just makes the right move there, it'll change how he feels about everything else. He may have post-wedding cold feet. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be married to you but he should address it.


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## sa58

So he had a job for 3 years while you were dating.
Before that he worked the same job for 10 years.
He moved to the bay area (EXPENSIVE) to be with you.
He has worked jobs for a year now just not the same.
The security job at night at a hospital is not for a single
person, I can understand the stress. You should talk with him
calmly, when you are not stressed out. I think by him moving 
leaving an area where he was working and comfortable. This and
the rest of your OP tells me he is at least trying to find something 
that he is comfortable doing. Are you happy with your teaching job?
Would you prefer him to be stressed out and miserable. This could 
lead I think to more problems down the road however.


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## Steve2.0

One, your husband sounds like the classic 'victim'
No one loves their job for reason X, Y and Z. No one is looking out for you in this world except your close family. He really needs a wake up call that his success is solely on his own shoulders.

I job hop too and throughout my career I have had some great bosses that were mentors and some really bad ones.
*Rules to Job Hopping your husband needs to understand:*
1) Do not leave your job until your next one starts. Your last day at the job should be a Friday and first day at the new job should be that following Monday. Leaving your job for any reason without the next one is lazy.... you made the decision to work there, now be a man and own your decisions
2) The interview is the time to see if your boss, or company, is a good fit for you.... Ask them questions and see if you guys fit. 
3) Commute distance complaints are irrelevant. You knew where the office was when you went on interviews and accepted the job. Stop making bad life decisions, be a man and own your decisions
4) New job has to pay more OR provide more quality of life (less stress, less commute, less indirect costs.. like saving on gas, etc)

The difference between his and my 'job hoping' is that I have old managers calling me back for new roles and I can bet your husband has old managers that are most likely glad he left.

Give him those rules the next time he wants to leave


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## Red21817

kag123 said:


> Does he have a degree? Career field he wants to pursue?
> 
> What were the previous jobs he had, and what was different about them that made it tolerable for him to stay there for so long?
> 
> 
> He has a degree in criminal justice but it's from Heals. He says he wanted to be a cop but now he just wants to climb the ladder at a security company. I don't know if he really knows what he wants.
> 
> At his other jobs they treated him really bad and he was too much of a push over. I encouraged him to stand up for himself at that job. Things improved. So now I'm thinking maybe he no longer wants to be a doormat and quitting is his way of showing that? Idk
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Red21817

sa58 said:


> So he had a job for 3 years while you were dating.
> Before that he worked the same job for 10 years.
> He moved to the bay area (EXPENSIVE) to be with you.
> He has worked jobs for a year now just not the same.
> The security job at night at a hospital is not for a single
> person, I can understand the stress. You should talk with him
> calmly, when you are not stressed out. I think by him moving
> leaving an area where he was working and comfortable. This and
> the rest of your OP tells me he is at least trying to find something
> that he is comfortable doing. Are you happy with your teaching job?
> Would you prefer him to be stressed out and miserable. This could
> lead I think to more problems down the road however.


I love my teaching job, but we will be moving out the area soon. Not exactly sure where but the bay area is really expensive. We have our family here though. It's hard to leave them. 😕 but we will soon enough...


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## Red21817

kag123 said:


> Does he have a degree? Career field he wants to pursue?
> 
> What were the previous jobs he had, and what was different about them that made it tolerable for him to stay there for so long?
> 
> 
> They were no different. They were security jobs. The one job he LOVED was at kaiser and he was able to move up the ladder quickly from regular patrol guard to assistant acount manager. Yhis is the step right before you really are a manager with the company and get salary instead of hourly pay. Unfortunately they laid him off and he hasn't been able to get to that level again.
> 
> The highest he has gotten is being a lead officer which is like a shift supervisor.
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Red21817

VermiciousKnid said:


> So his work history was pretty stable until something changed in his life. That change was getting married and moving to a new place. That is the stress that has entered into his life that could be causing his employment issues. He doesn't want to rock the boat at home so he's transferring the blame for his unhappiness onto his jobs and thinks if he just makes the right move there, it'll change how he feels about everything else. He may have post-wedding cold feet. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be married to you but he should address it.


Interesting point and we'll see.


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## Red21817

Steve2.0 said:


> One, your husband sounds like the classic 'victim'
> No one loves their job for reason X, Y and Z. No one is looking out for you in this world except your close family. He really needs a wake up call that his success is solely on his own shoulders.
> 
> I job hop too and throughout my career I have had some great bosses that were mentors and some really bad ones.
> *Rules to Job Hopping your husband needs to understand:*
> 1) Do not leave your job until your next one starts. Your last day at the job should be a Friday and first day at the new job should be that following Monday. Leaving your job for any reason without the next one is lazy.... you made the decision to work there, now be a man and own your decisions
> 2) The interview is the time to see if your boss, or company, is a good fit for you.... Ask them questions and see if you guys fit.
> 3) Commute distance complaints are irrelevant. You knew where the office was when you went on interviews and accepted the job. Stop making bad life decisions, be a man and own your decisions
> 4) New job has to pay more OR provide more quality of life (less stress, less commute, less indirect costs.. like saving on gas, etc)
> 
> The difference between his and my 'job hoping' is that I have old managers calling me back for new roles and I can bet your husband has old managers that are most likely glad he left.
> 
> Give him those rules the next time he wants to leave


This is exactly what I told him this time...it has not worked. He did quit his hospital job. He claimed he had a back up job and had signed the paperwork. He said his start date was the following monday. It's now been a week and he doesn't know when his start day is 😕


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## Red21817

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Sorry, I don't really have any advice for you.
> 
> My hubby drives me crazy too.
> 
> I am about ready to choke him out.
> 
> In our last city, my husband was juggling 2 pt jobs, working some nights and weekends. 2 years there.
> 
> I was working pt also.
> 
> A position opened up 90 minutes away where he could work ONE job ft with 5-10 hours OT per week, no nights or weekends. Paid holidays. He makes more at this job then his 2 other jobs plus my pt job.
> 
> So we moved up here.
> 
> He loves the hours, loves having more family time. Loves the no nights or weekends.
> 
> But he says he is miserable at the actual job.
> 
> We have been here 6 months and are supposed to buy a house.
> 
> And I get to deal with this?
> 
> ugghhhh lol
> 
> MEN!!!


It's nice to know it isn't just me.


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## Red21817

Thank you everyone for the advice. Some I have already used. I believe my next step is to go to my pastor with this. Maybe he can help. We do plan on moving. Our family is here and our great church is here. That is what has kept us here. We are praying and looking into other places to live. 

My husband did quit his hospital job and claimed he had another job ready to go. He says he signed to paperwork and everything but no one has called to tell his start date. No one repsonds when je calls either. I may just take this issue to my pastor. Maybe Pastor can get him to understand the gravity of the situation better than I can.


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## Steve2.0

Red21817 said:


> This is exactly what I told him this time...it has not worked. He did quit his hospital job. He claimed he had a back up job and had signed the paperwork. He said his start date was the following monday. It's now been a week and he doesn't know when his start day is 😕


Start asking for proof..

Show me the signed paperwork.. if it wasnt emailed to him then he went to the business.. show me the business address. Start to investigate his lies


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## Townes

It would frustrate me too, but I would try to take a longer view on it for now. He has worked stably in the past so you know he's capable of it. He's only had this pattern for one year during a time full of transitions. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. This may turn out to be an issue for one year out of fifty. Don't make too many assumptions about his character or the type of life your destined to just yet.


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## hinterdir

Red21817 said:


> I am posting because I just am at my end point and I need some advice. My Husband and I have been married for a little over a year. In that year my husband has worked 3 different jobs. He is a very hard worker and gets antsy if he's not working (so the issue isn't that he doesn't want to work). While we were dating and engaged he was at the same job for at least 3 years.Before that He worked at the same job for 10 years. So there was no indication he'd be a job hopper. Otherwise I wouldn’t of married him.
> 
> When we got married he moved to my city (2 hours away from his hometown) and found a great job. However, months into the job he complained his boss was not treating him right. He wanted to look for something else. Even though I thought he should stay at his job, I supported his decision because I felt like maybe it was as bad as he made it seem. He found another job. However, He didn't like this new job due to the long commute (we live in the bay area) and having to deal with raccoons and other wild life. He quit that job and found another job.
> 
> By this point I was fed up. I told him whatever job he got next he needed to stay at because I was over the job hopping. He promised he would stay at this next job. No matter what! The other job didn't even start for 2 months! He had to get shots, and background checks, etc to work security in a hospital. So for 2 months we were living off my teacher salary. Now he is unhappy at this job because they lied to him. He thought he would have help, but he is the only night shift officer for a big time hospital. It is a stressful situation. He is having a lot of stress related health effects and chest pains. So now he is looking for yet another job. I told him this was fine but I am getting resentful. I don't have a problem with him leaving his current job because the stress and health issues aren't worth it. I am just VERY frustrated with him because this is the 3rd job in 1 year that he is quitting!
> 
> I may pull my hair out if he even complains about this next job!He says to trust him and he promises to stay no matter what. I really want to trust him but my patience is running thin. It's not easy to survive in the bay area on one income- let alone a teacher's income. I want to believe this new job will be different but to be honest I really don't trust that He won't try to pull this mess of quitting again. My patience is pretty much out with his job situation. Yes I have told him completely how I feel. He already knows, but I don’t know if he really understands. So I'm looking for advice. Thoughts?


I don't see the issue. What is the issue?
You know he's a hard worker and has always been employed and has had several long term jobs. He is working now, he's not just sitting the couch for 8 months chilling and he has moved to a new city and has changed jobs a few times trying to find something he likes and that fits him. He hasn't found his niche yet.....but has still been employed regularly and earning money while looking. 

Why is this an issue? Let him find something he wants to do in this new city. 

I hate to say it but feminism.........equality. This isn't 1950 with you staying at home waiting for some guy to take care of you your entire life. You've got your own career and you earn your own money. Technically you could be single and be find and support yourself yet you still seem to be pulling this "have it both ways" type of thinking going on. You want to have your own career and work but you still seem to be hung up on his job and what he is doing work wise and how much he makes as if his job is there to take care of you like it is still the 1950's. 

It's ok for a guy to work and take care of a woman but if your income had to cover most of the burden for a month or two that is "OUT OF THE QUESTION!!!" Double standard anyone?

Anyway, I didn't hear you say he was an unemployed bum anywhere in your story. He is always working, he is just trying to find a job he likes and can do long term. It's been, what, about a year? He's moved to your town, he's working after leaving his long term job in his old city, he's always worked but has changed jobs a couple of times while still trying to find something he likes and that fits him. 

I still don't understand how this is a problem and/or why it is an issue for you and why you have the right to act as if he is wronging you somehow.
Let me guess, if you have kids it's ok to take off work 4 months or quit and raise the kids until school age and you demand, expect him and his career to cover that but while he is finding the right job in your new city your teacher salary can't be relied on at all. 

I'm not even sure what that meant about your teacher salary but you mentioned it so even though he IS working you've apparently had to rely on it a little heavier. 

Like I said, he's working and looking for the best fit in this new city and this is NOT the 1950's, you've got your own career and don't see how you get to nit pick his.


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## hinterdir

ps-you are in your first year of marriage, it is TOTALLY normal to live meagerly and frugally early in a marriage while the work/career situations stabilize themselves. It's hard to live on one income? Where was it you said he wasn't working at all? You expect to live like kings in the very first year? Unless you think he is just going to not work (which you said would never be the case) than I just don't see your snippiness at him changes jobs to find the best fit. 

Once he gets the good, long-term job does he then get to sit back and complain your teaching job isn't earning enough to suite his Bay area, big living needs? Does he get to nag you into quitting and finding a bigger paying career to make enough to satisfy him?


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## BarbedFenceRider

1st. year of marriage and he moved to YOUR city.... Then with the economy being what is was, jobs are slowly coming back online. You said he is a good worker, doesn't he deserve a good job? If he is having medical problems and other issues, don't count on him being around long stress and anxiety are minor things now, but later, try heart failure and stroke!....I can see where supporting the two of you can get tiresome, but really? 1 year....I'm amazed that he got interviews flowing that fast to begin with....

It sounds like you want your cake and eat it too....Ultimately, you need to keep the conversation coming, and be supportive without attacking the necessity of just getting "any job". You will find yourself being the one loathed and resented.


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## I shouldnthave

hinterdir said:


> ps-you are in your first year of marriage, it is TOTALLY normal to live meagerly and frugally early in a marriage while the work/career situations stabilize themselves. *It's hard to live on one income?* Where was it you said he wasn't working at all? You expect to live like kings in the very first year? Unless you think he is just going to not work (which you said would never be the case) than I just don't see your snippiness at him changes jobs to find the best fit.
> 
> Once he gets the good, long-term job does he then get to sit back and complain your teaching job isn't earning enough to suite his Bay area, big living needs? Does he get to nag you into quitting and finding a bigger paying career to make enough to satisfy him?


Hard? In the Bay Area? Near impossible unless one spouse is clearing well over six figures. $100K is considered "low income" for a family here, average rent is $3,500 a month for a one bedroom apartment. Honestly I have no idea how the OP is making ends on a teacher salary, and off and on security work. 



BarbedFenceRider said:


> 1st. year of marriage and he moved to YOUR city.... Then with the economy being what is was, jobs are slowly coming back online. You said he is a good worker, doesn't he deserve a good job? If he is having medical problems and other issues, don't count on him being around long stress and anxiety are minor things now, but later, try heart failure and stroke!....I can see where supporting the two of you can get tiresome, but really? 1 year....I'm amazed that he got interviews flowing that fast to begin with.....


The economy has been BOOMING here for about 5 years. Lowest unemployment rates in the nation, the SF / Peninsula area has an unemployment rate of about 2.2%. Its not a difficult job market here - just the opposite, I have been trying to hire an assistant, and finding *quality* job seekers is a challenge. 

I am... harsh. I grew up here, and understand how much of a rat race it is. Its sink or swim baby. 

Bad commute? Yep, welcome to the club, I agree with Steve, you suck it up until you have a start day lined up at your next gig? Boss sucks? Ditto - find a new job first. 

While I have enjoyed a very stable career, my husband has bounced around a bit - but really, like Steve, I had some rules. Hate his job? Fine - get a NEW ONE, but NO QUITTING until you have a new one. Its the responsible thing to do.


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