# How to show affection/love for BS after affair



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

The thought of how to show affection and love towards my wife (I am the DS in an EA) has been on my mind a lot since our D-Day this past June (original story here). Needless to say, it has been a very rough time and I've been having bad weeks lately. I love my wife and we are working on reconciliation but I have reached something of an impass about how to show my affection for her. At first, I was telling her that I love her with all of my heart and each time she came back with "If you loved me, you would not have gotten emotionally attached to _____!", an understandable response. I have stopped saying "I love you" for the time being because I know that those words coming from me are viewed with suspicion and anger. I have to choose whatever words I say to her very carefully because she's very wary of what I'm saying and how I'm saying it. 

I have continued to show her that I care by doing the things I always did, like being helpful around the apartment, doing the dishes, taking care of any needs she has, in general. Lately, though, I have reached a point where I have more thoughts of wanting to give up because I don't know if anything I do or say is going to be of any solace to her. So, I just continue to not sleep at the apartment (her stipulation), let her know when I'm coming there, and go about whatever it is I need to do: take a shower, eat, check email, etc... 

I know that this is going to take time and I have to do a ton of work in rebuilding trust and I have been doing all that I can, but when I think about a possible future together, I really wonder about what kind of relationship we can have. From what I know how she feels, at the least, she is going to be angry with me for a long time. I often feel like throwing in the towel because I can't see anything good coming out of this. She's disappointed in me, I'm disappointed in me...I don't know...I'm just venting, I guess... I have no fantasies about things being as good, if imperfect, as they were before our D-Day, in the future, but right now, it's just hard to see anything good.

On another note, I am reading "NOT Just Friends" and it's helping me better understand what happened on my end. I'm only on the 2nd chapter, but it seems good so far.

No real question, I just needed to put this out there. Thanks for reading.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tm84,

I know you have no real question and just seem to be venting. But i thought I would drop in some word of encouragement. It just so happens my wife and I had a conversation about this very subject a couple of nights ago.

Patients and endurance are your best friends right now. The patients my wife showed me was her true mark of love. Durring our healing time we had set backs and road blocks. Yet, her capacity to endure those times showed me three things.

1. She loved me
2. She understood my pain
3. She was committed 

Also, try and keep your eye on the "big picture." This may be hard at times and you might even begin to think that there's no hope. I'm here to tell you...that there is. 

You said: "I have no fantasies about things being as good, if imperfect, as they were before our D-Day, in the future,..."

Why would you, what you where before wasn't working. In the sense, that is what got you here in the first place. 

You should, however, "fantasize" (visualize) about the great new future ahead of you...how you improved personally...how you became a better husband...how your marriage was pulled back from the brink...and how lucky you are to have this second chance.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

GM: Thanks for your thoughts. I'm trying to stay primarily focused on the here and now and looking a little bit ahead to something better. I'm learning a lot about patience.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My WW wife takes the time to call me everyday (to work, break, lunch, and from work) 4 times a day just to check in and see how I'm doing, to tell me she thinking about me and she loves me. Real short convos, just a simple acknowledgement that I'm in her thoughts.

Even though it was only afew miniutes since she left and it will be a short time before she is home, its nice to have her check in.

Some times its the small stuff that helps. Like when we were kids and called our girl friend all the time.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

the guy said:


> Some times its the small stuff that helps. Like when we were kids and called our girl friend all the time.


Yes, I have to remember that the small things do matter. Thanks for the reminder.


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