# Trying to reconcile with husband after 3 year separation.



## fitchick1961

Basically, my husband and I have been separated for 3 years, I left. He has medical issues which are posted in previous thread, and was not being very proactive about doing something to try to make things better for himself. I became frustrated with situation, spent more time with my grandkids, away from house and him. Then I decided to move out, and get divorce. We were friendly for quite awhile, neither of us moved forward with divorce. A few months ago, he sued me for spousal support, which was quite a shock, and I was mad. Something I should say is that I never stopped loving my husband, and it was the best relationship I've been in. I got over being mad about support,and decided to go talk to him and find out what was going on. He told me it wasn't a revenge move or anything, changed jobs and could no longer afford some of his meds, and didn't think I would help him if he just asked. So we had long talk a few times, and it was very friendly, so we decided to see how if we could spend time together, go out to eat, and see if maybe we could work things out.
The problem is my 32 y/o married daughter, she is having a fit. She doesn't understand how I can go from being angry about support issue, to seeing him again. She said I'm keeping things from her because I didn't tell her this when it started. She's just going on and on, he's no different, he's still same. He's sickly, and I'm just going to end up supporting him. She Says she thinks I'm settling for him because it's easy, and doesn't want to see me hurt. She has major boundary issues with me, has always been way to involved with everything that goes on with me. 
I Don't really want to discuss it with her right now, but she will not stop telling me how this is affecting her, I blindsided her etc. saying I guess we are not as close as I thought. On and on. This is her stepfather, we married when she was 16. How do I get her to back off, this is my life, I'm 54, for crying out loud. 
My daughter can hold a grudge for long time, she said she doesn't want him around her or kids, I said fine, you're prerogative, they are your kids. 
I don't know what to do about her, and keep her out of my business and relationship. I told her this is my choice and she needs to respect it or we can not discuss it.


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## morituri

fitchick1961 said:


> Basically, my husband and I have been separated for 3 years, I left. He has medical issues which are posted in previous thread, and was not being very proactive about doing something to try to make things better for himself. I became frustrated with situation, spent more time with my grandkids, away from house and him. Then I decided to move out, and get divorce. We were friendly for quite awhile, neither of us moved forward with divorce. A few months ago, he sued me for spousal support, which was quite a shock, and I was mad. Something I should say is that I never stopped loving my husband, and it was the best relationship I've been in. I got over being mad about support,and decided to go talk to him and find out what was going on. He told me it wasn't a revenge move or anything, changed jobs and could no longer afford some of his meds, and didn't think I would help him if he just asked. So we had long talk a few times, and it was very friendly, so we decided to see how if we could spend time together, go out to eat, and see if maybe we could work things out.
> The problem is my 32 y/o married daughter, she is having a fit. She doesn't understand how I can go from being angry about support issue, to seeing him again. She said I'm keeping things from her because I didn't tell her this when it started. She's just going on and on, he's no different, he's still same. He's sickly, and I'm just going to end up supporting him. She Says she thinks I'm settling for him because it's easy, and doesn't want to see me hurt. She has major boundary issues with me, has always been way to involved with everything that goes on with me.
> I Don't really want to discuss it with her right now, but she will not stop telling me how this is affecting her, I blindsided her etc. saying I guess we are not as close as I thought. On and on. This is her stepfather, we married when she was 16. How do I get her to back off, this is my life, I'm 54, for crying out loud.
> My daughter can hold a grudge for long time, *she said she doesn't want him around her or kids, I said fine, you're prerogative, they are your kids. *
> I don't know what to do about her, and keep her out of my business and relationship. *I told her this is my choice and she needs to respect it or we can not discuss it.*


Damn right! It is YOUR life not hers. Major Kudos to you for not giving in to her emotional blackmail.

Nevertheless, please do guard your heart when reestablishing contact with your estranged husband. If the issues which made you separate from him are still there, then you should seriously reconsider the idea of reconciling with him.

I do hope that you contacted an attorney after your husband sued you for spousal support. You don't want to find yourself legally unprepared if the tide turns and he becomes vindictive.

Good luck.


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## fitchick1961

Thanks for your input. Yes I retained a lawyer. I appreciate the warning, but honestly my husband is the least vindictive person you would ever meet. He actually got screwed himself more in filing, I guess one of his friends suggested going to an attorney and he picked one out of phone book. His attorney does mainly personal injury and criminal cases, so he doesn't charge by hour, but by case. He said things kind of snowballed on him, and going the legal route was a mistake.

I Told him he needs to go back on kidney transplant list, and be much more assertive with his healthcare needs, and the practioners, because that was a big part of our problems in last few years prior to separation. He was just so complacent about health stuff, but miserable and depressed on dialysis, feeling like crap ALL the time. 

Also he decided he needed to talk more and be more open and honest about how he feels about everything. Because that was a major issue all the time our whole marriage.

So we are dating, living in separate homes, we see each other about 1 time a week. I'm suggesting to him we do some marriage counseling or read some books together and do a workbook together. He told me he's committed 100% to making our marriage work,whatever it takes.

My daughter is still making my life difficult, she actually asked me if we have slept together. Told her absolutely none of your business, not going there with you. I haven't raised my voice to her once, but she's telling me she hates fighting with me. Told her I am not going to fight about it, my life, my decision, my choice. I know she won't stop though.


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## Openminded

Why did your husband originally stop taking his meds after the transplant? And will he be considered for another transplant since he stopped taking them the first time?

I don't blame your daughter for being concerned although it's certainly not her place to tell you what to do.


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## fitchick1961

He was having a lot of pain at the site of the transplanted kidney, and developed chronic prostatitis, which for a man is the equivalent of having a nonstop urinary tract infection. He tried to talk to the transplant docs about his issues, but the response he got was "you have a working kidney, deal with it" pretty much. I'm a nurse so I understand the why of him doing it. but he didn't even think to talk to me first, which I think looking back, was the start of a lot of resentment toward him building up. 

Yes, they will consider him for another transplant because of reasons for him going off the meds. The Problem before we separated was he wouldn't get all testing done, he kept doing things here and there. You have to have everything done in a year, or start all over again. 

He is so miserable on dialysis and feels like crap much of time, I got tired of hearing and watching, and him not doing anything to make it better. He is going to go on list now, and get all testing done.

I appreciate my daughters concern, but a lot of it has to do with how this will affect her. Because she's mad at him for things, I sh be too. After he had his stroke, she told me if I didn't divorce him, she wasn't talking to me anymore. They had some issues then also


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## jld

Just realize she is likely to be in your life a lot longer than her stepfather. Proceed accordingly.

If I were you, I would put her issues with him front and center. See if you can get them to talk. Push him to look at her side of things.


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## fitchick1961

Yes, true she will be. However, she is a 32 yo married adult woman with 3 kids of her own. She has always had issues when it comes to our relationship, she's involved to the point that she worries more about what's going on with me, than her own family. She holds a grudge for a long time, so it will be awhile if ever before she will agree to talk to him. It will just make my life more complicated.


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## tenac

He sued you for support, and now you are seeing him again and presumably sleeping with him?

That's unusual.

Did he drop the lawsuit for support?

If not I will suggest you reconsider continuing to see him. Sorry but he sounds like a parasite.


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## fitchick1961

We are seeing each other,trying to work things out,he offered to rescind the support order, I told him to leave it for now, he gives me money out of it


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