# Ladies need your opinion please



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

If you have for the most part (like 90%) happy marriage, how do you let some of the other 'stuff' go? I'm not talking about the things like him leaving a mess in the kitchen once in awhile or other small things like that but one particular thing bothers me.

My husband is not a confrontational person in general, much more laid back, reserved, etc. That's fine for the most part but sometimes it really bothers me...for example. We've been married for many years now but a long time ago there was a tiff between his mother and I and some of the things she said were very rude. He acknowledged that but it took a lot from me showing him how upset I was for him to finally say something to his mom. Fine, it was over, it wasn't a HUGE deal and part of the reason it took a lot for him to even say anything was that he knew it wouldn't make a difference (doesn't matter to me though, I still want to be stood up for---and since then it hasn't really come up, maybe slightly once and he did say something then).

Fast forward, a couple of years ago we had our kid evaluated for PT and OT services at preschool. We had a feeling kid would not get services and they are so tough at these meetings, I felt like *I* was the only one trying to argue for our kid. Granted we didn't 'win' anyways and had an idea it would be an uphill battle but I was upset that husband didn't say ANYTHING during the meeting. Only afterwards comforted me (because I was upset) and acknowledged that he thought they wouldn't even listen to us...but still, why couldn't he speak up during the meeting! :scratchhead:

When we had our first kid, it was a horrible experience. There isn't a specific instance where he didn't stand up for me then but because it was so horrible, we hired doulas for this 2nd kid. I'm due soon and now worried that maybe husband won't stand up for speak up for me if the time arises again. I told him about this, he knows it's bothering me, he told me he will and I don't have to worry about it, that he'll be there and make sure he speaks up for me. This is great, but I (after many years now) am focused on actions, not words. So I'm a little stressed about this...

Am I making too big a deal from this? I know we're both not perfect and our personalities are different so I have to accept some of this. But its one of those things that don't come up often but when they do it bothers me a lot  I HOPE you will tell me to ease up and not stress about it so much and that I can't just focus on the negative things (because there are a lot of great things about husband). Thanks for any help.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This is my SO lol

The way I dealt with it is realizing he balances me out and I don't need him to fight my battles or defend me.He just doesn't process things that way.Just knowing he has my back even if he doesn't speak up is enough.
It drove me crazy at first bc I was so indignant about it. "Why won't you take up for me?!! Why do you leave me hanging like this??"
He got upset over that,rightfully.He said he's not me and just because he doesn't handle things the way I do doesn't mean he's leaving me hanging. It doesn't mean he's not on my side.

I say be thankful for your laid back man.If he's as similar to my SO as I think he might be,when the chips are down and the sh*t gets real he WILL speak up.You can't keep getting upset with him just because he hasn't felt the need to speak up yet,everyone draws the line in a different spot.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> This is my SO lol
> 
> The way I dealt with it is realizing he balances me out and I don't need him to fight my battles or defend me.He just doesn't process things that way.Just knowing he has my back even if he doesn't speak up is enough.
> It drove me crazy at first bc I was so indignant about it. "Why won't you take up for me?!! Why do you leave me hanging like this??"
> ...


I know what you mean. I keep telling myself stop being overly critical, sometimes I don't know if I am doing that or just bothered by it. I know he can't fight my battles (nor do I always want him to), I know I am the one who speaks up more in general, who is talkative, feisty etc. But once in awhile it would be NICE if I saw him do this, know what I mean? But you're right, I shouldn't focus so much on this and let it go. I just hope if things are ever bad, he WILL step up. If I've never seen it before, it's hard to trust that he will do that. If he said SOMETHING at the cpse meeting for our kid, I would feel more confident but he is so quiet and passive in these interactions. 

Of course when we get in a disagreement, he is more reserved for awhile BUT he then has no problem raising his voice, yelling at times etc to me. That really pisses me off...it's like it's in you to be confrontation AT TIMES, but never with anyone else :scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I know what you mean. I keep telling myself stop being overly critical, sometimes I don't know if I am doing that or just bothered by it. I know he can't fight my battles (nor do I always want him to), I know I am the one who speaks up more in general, who is talkative, feisty etc. But once in awhile it would be NICE if I saw him do this, know what I mean? But you're right, I shouldn't focus so much on this and let it go. I just hope if things are ever bad, he WILL step up. If I've never seen it before, it's hard to trust that he will do that. If he said SOMETHING at the cpse meeting for our kid, I would feel more confident but he is so quiet and passive in these interactions.
> 
> Of course when we get in a disagreement, he is more reserved for awhile BUT he then has no problem raising his voice, yelling at times etc to me. That really pisses me off...it's like it's in you to be confrontation AT TIMES, but never with anyone else :scratchhead:


I know it's frustrating,absolutely.I had to chuckle a bit at that last part bc SO is exactly like that LOL 
It's because they feel safe with us.They feel safe that it's ok to express their more extreme emotions.

It's one of those things that we have to learn to live with and maybe even learn to adopt in some situations for ourselves.I don't know about you but IRL,especially at work,I'm the tough one.The one people come to when someone needs instruction on having a backbone.I sometimes go overboard with it and it pushes people away.I'm trying to evolve into some sort of mix between SO and my aggressive self


It would be nice to have a more outspoken partner but then you have to think about what you might lose when you're gaining the outspoken part.I'm leery of the ripple change creates due to my ex turning into a completely different man after I pushed him to stand up more.Basically,I created a monster.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I know it's frustrating,absolutely.I had to chuckle a bit at that last part bc SO is exactly like that LOL
> It's because they feel safe with us.They feel safe that it's ok to express their more extreme emotions.
> 
> It's one of those things that we have to learn to live with and maybe even learn to adopt in some situations for ourselves.I don't know about you but IRL,especially at work,I'm the tough one.The one people come to when someone needs instruction on having a backbone.I sometimes go overboard with it and it pushes people away.I'm trying to evolve into some sort of mix between SO and my aggressive self
> ...



Yes, you totally get it and yes we sound a lot alike :smthumbup: I am definitely the 'tough' one and its helped me in many ways. But here I can definitely try to be more accepting of who he is and not feel the need to 'change' him. I guess as long as I told him my feelings about it, I know he acknowledged and listened to me, that's all I can do, just let it go. And you're right, if I push him to be something he isn't, it could backfire in other ways too. ARGGHHH--MEN! :yawn2::banghead:

Oh and thanks SB!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OK my husband is also like this... it is because he is Phlegmatic/ Melancholy personality.... double whammy introvert .....it's not all bad..... He's also easier to please than I am... where he is naturally more patient and passive, I can be impatient and very assertive -if I am upset by something.... I will have something to say.... I may think about it 1st (which is very wise) but it will be uprooted and handled in some articulate way. 

So long as he listens to me... understands me, I've never been too bothered by his more passive "kind" nature in dealing with others... we always go forth as a team, we feel we have each others back in all ways...though I am likely the forthcoming spokesperson many times. 

Parents in law...it's good we don't live with them, we just want to get along... so long as they are not encroaching on your family in some way (money wise, time wise etc)... pushing a boundary....sometimes it's best to just let it slide, especially if you know you can't change another (Your MIL is sounds)....

You mentioned that Meeting for your child at School...We've sat at meetings with teachers, nothing real important...how I would handle this is...* I would pull my husband into the conversation if I wanted his input*.... I do this at our parties too....relating a story, to encourage him to add his 2 cents ....asking direct questions, a "*remember when?*", or "*you tell this one*" sort of thing.. ..gets him involved and into these conversations. 

I have learned our Temperament differences have been a Blessing in many ways.... outside of personality type... we have almost everything else in common....Love languages, beliefs, dreams, goals....etc... Would you say this is true for you & your husband as well Yellowstar?



> *yellowstar said*: It would be nice to have a more outspoken partner but then you have to think about what you might lose when you're gaining the outspoken part.I'm leery of the ripple change creates due to my ex turning into a completely different man after I pushed him to stand up more.Basically,I created a monster


Watch what you wish for.. my husband doesn't show anger too much....though I can get him there... when he does, sometimes I even get excited.....I might say to him..."Bring it on... bring some of that into the bedroom" (we try to make light of the unruly moments).....

I often see my husband as the calm stabilizing breeze our family needs and so appreciates in our lives..... 

Whereas it is ME who offers more of the livliness... I can be a feisty one bringing a lot of entertaining banter / communication/ debate ... in turn, he often gets a charge out of this....he has told me he is attracted to "rougher" women ...but loves my sensitive side as well. Alot of our humor comes from our differences too... we enjoy making fun of each other.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yellowstar...did you start reading the Surrendered Wife yet? It will help you with this, it really will. It will help you step back and encourage him to lead.

At the same time, if he could read No More Mr. Nice guy, that would probably help, too.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Yellowstar...did you start reading the Surrendered Wife yet? It will help you with this, it really will. It will help you step back and encourage him to lead.
> 
> At the same time, if he could read No More Mr. Nice guy, that would probably help, too.


I'm going to (I'm reading a breastfeeding book now and that is more pertinent at the moment!) but I will  Husband started NMMNG last summer and said he will go back to keep reading it. At the minimum, to consider each other and where we're coming from.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You could also go take a peek at the NNMNG website, maybe find a good, relevant post and send it to him. Plus, read more yourself.

The point really is just better marital communication! We can all improve.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Guy's perspective: often, we don't care as much as you do about X. The more I care, the more realistic something is, the greater effort/intensity I put into it.

Often, I don't feel its necessary to push harder... or I think its pointless to push harder. I may not judge the value of what I'm pushing for to be above being a pushy @sshole to get it - I don't care that much. Other times, I defer to those I consider to be more expert in the matter than I. I did this often in matters pertaining to my children. Got a question for me about kids? Hell if I know.

I'm going to avoid taking sides in fights between my mom and wife. Its wasn't my place to have won her fights for her, and I wasn't going to burn bridges with my own mother. This seems way too much like asking him to fight your fights and demanding he jump in on "your side". Intra-family issues are a special case from some schmuck attacking you in public.

When its my fight, I'll fight. When I don't have an interest in the well-being of both sides, I'll take sides. When I'm the expert, I'll push my case hard. Those who try to dominate every situation are just jerks imo. In fact, I'm inclined to push against them just because they're being so pushy.

I don't see that your examples necessarily indicates he's just a pushover.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

My husband has always stood up to his parents and I, the same with my parents when things got heated.

He speaks up and will do things for me when I ask. I am kind of spoiled but I chose him for that. It was a quality I had to have when we dated.

So, yeah...it's hard for me to understand how you ended up with a non-outspoken guy if that's what you had wanted.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I understand your feelings, OP. There have been a few cases in my marriage where I felt like my husband just sat back and allowed me to be trampled on. Once was by a Pastor who was, essentially, calling me a s!ut and hubs just sat in shock while I was about to burst into tears; another time was a much, much more serious situation that I won't go into; another was with his family at the beginning of my pregnancy...a few people were basically saying I looked fat, and he didn't say anything. 

I haven't been able to solve this issue. He knows it isn't natural for me to stand up for myself. He's not a quiet guy, he stands up for himself all the time, but rarely does he stand up for me. It's definitely been an issue for me. Every single time he's apologized and said that he should have said something, but then the next time he has the opportunity to stand up for me, he doesn't. Above anything, this would be the biggest issue I have with him. 

I have no idea how to get a different outcome. And it hasn't happened more than four, maybe five times since we've been married, so at least it's not a very common occurrence.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Maybe his style of dealing with things is different than yours. 

I have found in life I don't need to shout or smack anyone anymore to be effective. I find it much more effective to work behind the scenes to get my point across.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I understand your feelings, OP. There have been a few cases in my marriage where I felt like my husband just sat back and allowed me to be trampled on. Once was by a Pastor who was, essentially, calling me a s!ut and hubs just sat in shock while I was about to burst into tears; another time was a much, much more serious situation that I won't go into; another was with his family at the beginning of my pregnancy...a few people were basically saying I looked fat, and he didn't say anything.
> 
> I haven't been able to solve this issue. He knows it isn't natural for me to stand up for myself. He's not a quiet guy, he stands up for himself all the time, but rarely does he stand up for me. It's definitely been an issue for me. Every single time he's apologized and said that he should have said something, but then the next time he has the opportunity to stand up for me, he doesn't. Above anything, this would be the biggest issue I have with him.
> 
> I have no idea how to get a different outcome. And it hasn't happened more than four, maybe five times since we've been married, so at least it's not a very common occurrence.


Those situations you described would make me upset too. But like you, these situations rarely happen so its hard to just focus on them. I guess my situations were to a much lesser degree but still...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Maybe his style of dealing with things is different than yours.
> 
> I have found in life I don't need to shout or smack anyone anymore to be effective. I find it much more effective to work behind the scenes to get my point across.



His way is TOTALLY different than me, either to talk about it afterwards or to let things go (the latter happens a lot).


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Fallen Leaf said:


> My husband has always stood up to his parents and I, the same with my parents when things got heated.
> 
> He speaks up and will do things for me when I ask. I am kind of spoiled but I chose him for that. It was a quality I had to have when we dated.
> 
> So, yeah...it's hard for me to understand how you ended up with a non-outspoken guy if that's what you had wanted.



It's not that I wanted a outspoken guy, in fact I think I liked that he wasn't, but instead he was/is a great listener. He's a LOT more laid back than me, a lot more cool/calm/collected than me etc. So I can see WHY he doesn't react like me but there are just a couple of times (like the ones I mentioned) that I wish he had. He will speak up for me WHEN I ask, but in these situations, I didn't ask, I wished in hindsight he had said something. 

A little off topic Fallen leaf but if you are happy with your husband, why are you looking to rekindle an old flame? :scratchhead:


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you are trying to change something that is a core to his being. you want him to be someone he is not and never has been.

i don't think both of you needed to speak up at the meeting for you child to get services. if he thought you did a good job, or you're a better speaker, or speak with more conviction and authority, then I think it was fine for him to attend and let you do the talking. 

Re: the doulas - who knows, maybe he thought that they were the pros and had nothing to add. 

i know there's more to this than just these devil's advocate answers, but if he's not the kind of guy to speak up in tense or confrontational situations, unless he's being trampled on, or treated badly, or watching you be treated badly and not doing a good job sticking up for yourself, then this is who he is.

If he is an otherwise great guy, i think you should let this go. you knew this is what he was about when you married him.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> It's not that I wanted a outspoken guy, in fact I think I liked that he wasn't, but instead he was/is a great listener. He's a LOT more laid back than me, a lot more cool/calm/collected than me etc. So I can see WHY he doesn't react like me but there are just a couple of times (like the ones I mentioned) that I wish he had. He will speak up for me WHEN I ask, but in these situations, I didn't ask, I wished in hindsight he had said something.
> 
> A little off topic Fallen leaf but if you are happy with your husband, why are you looking to rekindle an old flame? :scratchhead:


I guess if you knew he was the quiet laid back type and you liked that about him then why would you expect him to be someone else more outspoken? Sounds like you want him to change.

As far as my situation, I know you and the others mistook my question as a rekindle but it was quite honestly work related. If you've read it recently, I gave a status.


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## Donny (Jun 27, 2013)

being unconfrontational is something to admire in a person. i am the same way and it comes from a relationship i was in years ago that consisted of arguing all the time. it changed me. i have always been very laid back but being in that relationship amped up my self protection level. many insist on being unconfrontational to avoid hurting other people, which is a good quality of compassion. also, some tend to be unconfrontational to protect their own feelings. i don't think it is something to stress too much about. as long as he protects you and your feelings then it should be overlooked. i think anyway.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I have a lot of resentment that has built up over the years because my H was not there when I needed him to be. It's funny-- just like you I hired a doula for the second birth because he was so unavailable for the first one. He even fell asleep during my labor!!! The second birth was fantastic because I had the doula and two best girlfriends and it was really awesome. He was somewhere in the back corner.

But anyway, those things can build up so better get it settled and see if he is receptive to your feelings, or if he has some reason for not being more assertive on your behalf. Maybe he's shy or has lack of confidence. If he has a pattern of letting you down in many areas it can lead to shattered dreams over time (like in my case) but hopefully you can figure out what's going on with him.


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