# Need of some advice



## Reality Stinks (Jun 26, 2014)

Hello. This is my first post so let me give you some background. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for over 20 years and together 27. I have been with DH since I was 16 years old. We both come from very disfunctional families (alcoholism, emotional neglect, etc). Up until about August of last year, we were always known as the perfect couple. We are the only ones still in our first marriage on both sides of the family. Our parents and all our siblings have been married numerous times and most are currently divorced. DH and I have 2 sons ages 14 and 12. 

Last October, a few days before our 20th wedding anniversary, I had a one night stand with someone at a bar while out of town with a friend. I was extremely intoxicated (something I have never done in my life) and was in an environment that I never put myself in. After the fact, I felt horrible but I never told DH. Things spiraled out of control at that point. I started feeling like I was a horrible person and started to realize that something was not right in our marriage. There was some issues in our marriage that I started to realize were much more concerning that I made myself believe. So I started to distance myself from DH and push him away. In the beginning of November of last year, I told DH that I was unhappy and felt the only way we could make the marriage work was for him to start to see a counselor. 

DH is a caring and sweet man but he is also very insecure and has extreme low self esteem which was all brought on from his childhood. I have learned that I also have very low self esteem and tend to put everyone elses needs ahead of mine...a true people pleaser. DH would often easily become moody and shut me and the boys out and stop communicating with us. Even when it was nothing to do with us....but would never say what the issues were so we had no idea what was going on. I would always make up some reason to the kids so they wouldn't worry. But with DH being very insecure, he also was very jealous. A good example was in February of 2013 I was invited to go over to the neighbors house for a girls night of watching a movie and having dinner. I was excited to be invited and really wanted to go until she told me what movie it was. I knew that once DH found out it was Magic Mike, it would only be a major issue. So I tried to give excuses for not going other than my true fears but DH convinced me to go. So I went but all the time I was there I had a horrible feeling it would cause a major issue. When I came home after, DH was completely shutting me out and was isolating himself from me. This happened on a Saturday night and proceeded on until Monday afternoon when he came home from work early very upset. He started telling me how he felt he didn't deserve me and felt I would be better off without him as I should have someone that would make me happy. I begged him to stop, validated my love and told him he needs to go see a therapist. Once he snapped out of it, the idea of seeing a therapist was out of the mind also. 

To add to the issues, a couple weeks after telling DH I was unhappy and didn't know if I wanted to be married any longer, I met someone at the gym. We really hit it off and after a few weeks, it became physical. By the end of January, we were close to putting the house on the market and both looking for separate housing while getting ready to file for divorce. At that time, DH came to me asking if I would be willing to go to a weekend marriage retreat. He had tried everything in his power up to that point to convince me to stay but I pushed him away telling him I didn't love him and had no interest in being with him anymore. I was quite nasty at this point and felt it was the only way I could communicate with him. 

On our drive to our weekend retreat, DH confronted me in the car about getting into my cell phone (passcode protected) and finding encrypted texts to a friend who knew about my ongoing affair. A few days before leaving our weekend I ended it with the other person. So I came clean about both affairs and he was devastated. I told him I wanted to see if this retreat could help us save our marriage. The very same night I confessed he told me he forgave me. Well....as soon as we came home that was not the case. I should have realized that it was way to soon. The first 3 months of our reconcillation was a nightmare. Lots of rage and nasty behavoir towards me. 2 months ago he got so upset with me that he physically grabbed me by the shirt and screamed in my face with such rage in his eyes that I started to scream. It terrified me because it was the one thing I never ever thought I would have to fear with DH. A couple days after that incident, I told him I was going to leave him if this rage did not stop. It immediately stopped and now I am left with other rollercoaster behavoirs. 

With DH already being a very insecure person, I think the affair escalated it to extreme levels. 5 months have passed and it has been a living hell. I am seeing a counselor on a weekly/biweekly basis which I find very helpful. Unfortunately, DH is not seeing the importance to see a counselor for himself. This week we have had some conversations that have really opened my eyes to the big concerns. My therapist helped me understand this last night. I have spent the last 27 years validating my love for DH in fear of his insecurities and low self esteem that I have lost what my feelings and needs are. And when everything came to light in November was when I started to feel I could no longer validate him anymore. As my therapist put it....my well has dried up. Now with the behavoir that DH expressed since end of January, this has only pushed me away more. The problem is that DH is demanding even more validation because of his horrible fears with not forgiving or trusting me. 

I see that DH is very controlling of my mental state. He snaps out of his "fear" moods as soon as he has said enough to break me into an emotional mess. Then he feels great because he says that I am showing my feelings. I don't see that as a positive. 

So I am not sure what to do at this point. I am so very tired mentally and emotionally right now. The fact that I am regretting not proceeding with the divorce in January says a lot. Everyone around me sees how controlling and passive/aggressive his and tells me that I need to stop validating him. DH told me that if I can't express my feelings or validate how I feel for him, that would be deal breaker...meaning the marriage is over. 

I want to make sure that I have done EVERYTHING in my power this past 5 months to prove my love and show how committed I am to this marriage. I have also shown great remorse for my actions with the affairs. I have cut ties with the friend I had at the time and stopped going to the gym (gained 20 pounds back) and have done nothing outside of the house without a family member. I leave my cell phone (no longer passcode protected) laying where ever so he can look at it. Trust me...he does. He goes through it when I'm sleeping. I have nothing to hide from him. I have been extremely supportive and stood by as he went through all his emotions and rage. I took it all but nearly had a nervous breakdown after he physically went at me 2 months ago. 

Has anyone else been through this before or understand this behavior. I have a ton of other "examples" to share but I know this is getting extremely long of a post. So I am very curious what advise/insight you may have. Thanks.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

When someone depends on someone else to 'make' them happy, or 'validate' them, it never works. The person who is supposed to make the other happy always fails, time and time again.

Until your husband can find peace and love within himself, he will always expect you to do it for him, and you will never be able to do it.

You said that you want to do everything in your power to show your love and devotion. What is that? How many time do you think you need to fail before you have accomplished that?

Your H has some issues and until he focuses on fixing those issues from the inside instead of looking for outside answers, nothing will ever change, you will continue to always come up short, and be ignored and punished for things you never even did.

If you are not ready to file for D, maybe you could try a separation. This would give you both time to get things figured out separately, seek individual counseling and work on your individual mental health. You two will never have a healthy marriage until you are 'both' mentally healthy.

After a period of time, then you can decide whether or not you want to start dating and working towards reestablishing your relationship, or to make the separation permanent.


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## Reality Stinks (Jun 26, 2014)

Thank you JustHer for the response. 

When I came home from my therapy session last night, he wanted to talk about what we discussed which makes me nervous as I don't know how he will react to what was said. So I told him what I discovered about spending all this time validating him and I am now burned out. I just can't do it anymore. It's not that I don't love him...it's just that I do not have the mental ability to show it to him all the time like he wants. He took offense to that and said he never asked me for validation before I confessed to the affair but now needs it very much because he is in such fear of me leaving and finding someone else again. I told him it was not a matter of him asking for validation before the affair...I took that role on my own in hopes of avoiding the shut outs he would give me. He could not understand what I was telling him. I told him I am starting to understand some of my needs and wants. I need him to stop with all the validation and to go see a therapist but I told him that he needs to "want" to go see a therapist for himself...not because I am asking him too. He again said that he would but felt that him reading his books was enough. He then said that he thought it was unfair that I am demanding what I needed (therapy and non-validation) and not be willing to give him what he needs (validation and expression of my feelngs). I feel like I'm beating my head up against a wall right now. I told him we are at a stand still right now and I don't know what the next step is for us to move forward. So we left it at that.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Reality Stinks, I guess I have a couple mixed thoughts on this.

I have dealt with a lot of issues in my 30 year marriage, but have never had to deal with infidelity. I have to say though, if my H was unfaithful to me, it would take A LOT of reassuring and validating for me to get past it (if I ever could get past it). I can honestly say that it would take me years.

On the other hand, I have dealt with passive aggressive behavior and being blamed for his unhappiness. I have been ignored for days on end for stupid stuff. I have been bleed dry emotionally for trying to fill him up, etc. So I do understand where you are coming from on that point.

I guess my thoughts are, do you love him enough to put out what it will take for him to get past your affairs? What happens is 5 or10 years down the road nothing has changed (he still is not in therapy)? Where do you see your life is you stay, if you go?

I cannot tell you what to do but I strongly encourage you to look at your life for what it is, not what you thought it was or what you hoped it was, or will be - what is the reality of it? Then decide what you want out of life, what you are willing to do to get it - remember, you can only control yourself. He is in control of him.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Maybe stick to one thread :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...e-regarding-insecure-husband.html#post9361186


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Reality Stinks said:


> Thank you JustHer for the response.
> 
> When I came home from my therapy session last night, he wanted to talk about what we discussed which makes me nervous as I don't know how he will react to what was said. So I told him what I discovered about spending all this time validating him and I am now burned out. I just can't do it anymore. *It's not that I don't love him*...it's just that I do not have the mental ability to show it to him all the time like he wants. He took offense to that and said he never asked me for validation before I confessed to the affair but now needs it very much because he is in such fear of me leaving and finding someone else again. I told him it was not a matter of him asking for validation before the affair...I took that role on my own in hopes of avoiding the shut outs he would give me. He could not understand what I was telling him. I told him I am starting to understand some of my needs and wants. I need him to stop with all the validation and to go see a therapist but I told him that he needs to "want" to go see a therapist for himself...not because I am asking him too. He again said that he would but felt that him reading his books was enough. He then said that he thought it was unfair that I am demanding what I needed (therapy and non-validation) and not be willing to give him what he needs (validation and expression of my feelngs). I feel like I'm beating my head up against a wall right now. I told him we are at a stand still right now and I don't know what the next step is for us to move forward. So we left it at that.


yes - it is indeed that you don't love him. Otherwise you wouldn't be *****ing guys you meet at the gym and complete strangers in bars. The main issue is your character...your lack of. he needs a better person as his marriage partner.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

is this a troll?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Reality Stinks said:


> 2 months ago he got so upset with me that he physically grabbed me by the shirt and screamed in my face with such rage in his eyes that I started to scream. It terrified me because it was the one thing I never ever thought I would have to fear with DH. A couple days after that incident, I told him I was going to leave him if this rage did not stop.


Oh please, stop, just stop. Really? You think that you can do what you did and he isn't going to get angry? 

His "rage" is perfectly understandable. Now if he ever hits you, then talk to us. But for you to do what you did and think you should just skate by without some anger and yelling?



> With DH already being a very insecure person, I think the affair escalated it to extreme levels.


Well obviously he has a reason to be insecure.




> 5 months have passed and it has been a living hell. I am seeing a counselor on a weekly/biweekly basis which I find very helpful. Unfortunately, DH is not seeing the importance to see a counselor for himself. This week we have had some conversations that have really opened my eyes to the big concerns. My therapist helped me understand this last night. I have spent the last 27 years validating my love for DH in fear of his insecurities and low self esteem that I have lost what my feelings and needs are.



Ah, so long story short, its your husband's fault you cheated?

No wonder he doesn't see the importance of therapy.




> I see that DH is very controlling of my mental state. He snaps out of his "fear" moods as soon as he has said enough to break me into an emotional mess. Then he feels great because he says that I am showing my feelings. I don't see that as a positive.



Well gee, now that you painted him to be some sort of monster, let me correct it for you.

He isn't controlling of your mental state. Only you can do that. He is fishing for something out of the ****storm you put him in to make him feel like this can be worked out.

This is unbelievable. You cheated on him with more than one man and HE has the problem?




> So I am not sure what to do at this point. I am so very tired mentally and emotionally right now. The fact that I am regretting not proceeding with the divorce in January says a lot. Everyone around me sees how controlling and passive/aggressive his and tells me that I need to stop validating him.


I bet those same people will tell you they understand why you boffed different men too.

All you are doing in this thread is making your case against him so that we will all feel sorry for you and tell you what you want to hear.

So since he is obviously some sort of weak man and a monster, then just set him free and get a divorce. Nuff said, end of story.




> I took it all but nearly had a nervous breakdown after he physically went at me 2 months ago.


Oh, so he hit you?




> Has anyone else been through this before or understand this behavior.


Actually, I have. I was extremely angry at my x-wife when I found out she is a cheating POS.

I yelled, I had some rage. And you know what, it was JUSTIFIED. After a few weeks I calmed down and realized, I didn't want a cheater for a wife and that I deserved better.

Your husband does too. Set him free.


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