# I kicked him out.. Overreacting???



## nospe (Dec 3, 2008)

this is long so get comfortable.

we have been together for about almost ten years and living together for bout 7 of those 10. we have three children 4,3, and 5 months. like all couples we have had our problems, infidelity which I have forgiven him for, but we have learned to get past them mostly by me forgiving and working on my own demons to get over bad feelings towards him. About 3 yrs ago we were seperated and after trying to make things work with him i decided it was time to move on and I started going out and dating. When he found out I guess it was like a wake up call and he started trying to work on our relationship until we reconciled and he moved back in. We started having issues like a lack of wanting to have sex with me. I decided that I would back off rather than trying to initiate and having him reject me 95% of the time. It was taking a toll on my self esteem to feel rejected so I felt that was a better option. You know "Pick your battles"... He would say he was just tired and stressed from work and that it had nothing to do with me. That he loved me and he was sorry I couldn't understand that he was older and more exhausted, and stressed not like when we were teenagers. Well I accepted this and dealt on my own. taking the little intimacy we did have and making the most of it. Well for the first 7 years he had given me the run around to getting married saying he wasnt ready at first and then when we moved in together giving me the excuse that he didn't see the point. He said if we knew we loved each other a piece of paper wouldn't make a difference. I stopped insisting. He had told me yes we would get married about 3 times already and after getting excited and starting to plan the details he would change his mind and tell me either he wasnt in the mood or we didn't have the money, etc. so 3 times he made me cancel my plans. Well for the past 2 1/2 yrs things have been semi great. the sex issue improved a little, we were at 1 or 2 a month and eventually got pregnant after drs. had told me I couldn't concieve after my second child. So this was very exciting for both of us since we had always wanted a third. He had changed a lot, we wouldn't fight, he would come home early every night, we would eat breakfast and dinner together, we would talk ... all in all we were okay. well about 3 months ago we decided we would get married in dec. on our 10 yr anniversary. I started making plans and we told family and friends about it, something I hadn't done the past 3 times since things weren't too concrete. this time he made me feel like things were actually going to happen. Well he has a brother who has always been the black sheep of the family who is addicted to heroin. about 8 months ago he moved away to try to rehabilitate and get away from bad friendships. This took a toll on my husband because he was veryclose to his brother. Well bro did well for the first 5 months and we helped support him financially. I wasn't okay with it but I felt if it was my brother and I needed money to help him I would expect my husbands support as well so I never complained about myhusband sending him money or clothes. Now my husband tells me about 3 weeks ago that we just don't have the money to have a party. but I had saved up about $1000 dollars and I told him that was not a problem. Well today I tell him we have to go get the marriage license and he says he's not in the mood for a party and he doesn't want to get marrried. That he feels depressed and out of it. So I tell him to leave and it escalades! I tell him that he needs to figure out what makes him happy and not come back until he does. I can't keep wasting my life on making him happy, and settling for things to keep our relationship alive if he keeps doing this to me. Then he tells me that his brother is using again, and his father is feeling sick and that he doesn't think its right for him to be getting married with all this going on. 

Now I don't think that I should have to pay for everything his brother does. and I feel that H puts his family before us. Am I overreacting?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Nope. 

You both have YOUR lives. All the others have their lives. 

You do NOT have a responsibility to help them if you can't (or don't want to). 

HE needs to put effort into YOUR family first. 

It's good you kicked him out. Now he can spend however long it takes to figure out what he wants...YOU or them. 

If he won't commit and go for "the paper", then he's getting a free ride. 

What happens if one of you dies? Does your state acknowledge common law marriages? In that case, you're already legally married! 

I'm told that once a man leave his mother, he should cleave unto no one else but his wife. (I think that's a biblical reference, but not sure) He isn't doing that. 

Leave him on his own for a while and see if he can handle it. See if he can afford his brother. I know that's harsh, but it needs to be done. His brother will find someone to support him, that's how addicts are.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are in a partnership with your husband. He doesn't seem to understand that he needs to give to the relationship. His brother might be a charity proiject, but shouldn't come before you or your children.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nospe said:


> Now I don't think that I should have to pay for everything his brother does. and I feel that H puts his family before us. Am I overreacting?


So was kicking him out about him not wanting to get married, or was it about the BIL situation? B/c it sounds like you were really angry about giving money to the brother, and when he said he didnt want to get married you took all that frustration out right then. That could be confusing for you H.


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## nospe (Dec 3, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> So was kicking him out about him not wanting to get married, or was it about the BIL situation? B/c it sounds like you were really angry about giving money to the brother, and when he said he didnt want to get married you took all that frustration out right then. That could be confusing for you H.


I guess it was more frustration that he let me get this far and then canceled when all our family and friends knew about it. It did bother that he blamed the whole thing on his family's situation b/c it made me feel like I was paying for the bad decisions his brother made. Like my life has to stop until he gets better, and the thing is I don't think he ever will. When his brother left we had to uproot our whole lives and move houses and change the kids schools so his brother's friends wouldn't know where we lived. When his mother moved to be with his brother I was responsible for cooking and helping out with his father since he was now living alone most of the time. When the kids had time off instead of going on vacation for the kids we went to see his mom and brother. It just seems that my whole life has started to revolve around what happens in his family and that has me feeling like I'm not important.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nospe said:


> It just seems that my whole life has started to revolve around what happens in his family and that has me feeling like I'm not important.


So then the issue is about his family, and you feeling less important then his family. I dont think you were overreacting by kicking him out. But it seems like a pattern has developed that he's comfortable with. Have you guys talked about this? Have you both tried setting boundaries with how involved you both are with them?


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