# Another fight and more triggers



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Ok this is tough one. I know some of it is me and triggers. Last night we were home and one of our adult kids is home. I was trying to be playful with my wife. I sent her a text that was tasteful about what I would like to do with her in the bedroom. I then received a reply that there was a season finally on a show. My reply was to record it. I was asked if I was crabby. I went to bed she came to bed an hour later, nothing happened.

I woke up this morning thinking about the provocative pictures and texts my wife sent to that POS and all I get is there is a season finally. I was boiling over. I was told it was awkward with the kid in the house but then I pointed out all the risks she took to text and send pictures to this guy when the kids were home or I was there.

We are in R but the sex issues are the hardest for me to deal with. I am not trying to be sexist but I think these things are harder for a man to deal with then a woman. Any similar issues out there, how did you deal with them.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think that a healthy sex life is an essential part of R. If she's not willing, then you have a problem. And you have a DVR, who cares about a season finale?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

mahike said:


> Ok this is tough one. I know some of it is me and triggers. Last night we were home and one of our adult kids is home. I was trying to be playful with my wife. I sent her a text that was tasteful about what I would like to do with her in the bedroom. I then received a reply that there was a season finally on a show. My reply was to record it. I was asked if I was crabby. I went to bed she came to bed an hour later, nothing happened.
> 
> I woke up this morning thinking about the provocative pictures and texts my wife sent to that POS and all I get is there is a season finally. I was boiling over. I was told it was awkward with the kid in the house but then I pointed out all the risks she took to text and send pictures to this guy when the kids were home or I was there.
> 
> We are in R but the sex issues are the hardest for me to deal with. I am not trying to be sexist but I think these things are harder for a man to deal with then a woman. Any similar issues out there, how did you deal with them.


I feel your pain brother. My own fWW's messages to her OM were everything I ever wished that I had gotten from her. It's part of the fantasy. They were willing to do anything and everything for their AP, usually things they denied their own spouse. It's disgusting and one of the things to recover from in R. That's one of my triggers too.

Here's a related thread by morituri that you posted in.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/35927-she-he-did-things-him-her.html

Beware of triggers.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

We spent the morning in an email argument. nothing resolved..... I remember it took two years before she would even get undressed in front of me and it took two seconds her her to send pictures to the POSM. That is something she has never done for me.

He also sent her video of him jacking off. She will not even talk about the subject with me let alone anything else.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

mahike said:


> I woke up this morning thinking about the provocative pictures and texts my wife sent to that POS and all I get is there is a season finally. I was boiling over. I was told it was awkward with the kid in the house but then I pointed out all the risks she took to text and send pictures to this guy when the kids were home or I was there.


A willing person looks for possibilities, an unwilling is seeking excuses.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Mahike, she doesn't want to have sex with you.

That's what she's not saying.

Now, you can deal with that or not deal with that, but don't lie to yourself.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's the that. And you knew it before you ever posted the comment. The question is, where do you go now? Counseling? Divorce? These are things you should discuss with your wife.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Not much remorse there 

Time to implement consequences


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Not much remorse there
> 
> Time to implement consequences


:iagree:

Just rugsweeping. She would rather forget it happened then working with him so he can heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with IMAGA. She simply does not wish to be intimate with you. She is willing to send pictures and make time for her OM but not you. The message she is sending you is quite clear.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

*Life is too short to have to beg for sex.* 
She doesn't sound very remorseful at all. Let her go and enjoy the rest of your life.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How was she able to explain what she did to you?

Maybe you have to come to terms to the fact that your wife doesn't have the hots for you.

And the fact you are not the OM.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

why are you even still there now ?? mine came to me to confess, hoping I would be reasonable. I was, I walked. Didn't want to know any details. Just straight SOUTH POLE COLDDDDDDDDDDDDD. They didn' last, and she know what she lost.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Mahike, she doesn't want to have sex with you.


Although this might be true, I think more accurately, she wanted to watch this program more than she wanted to have sex with him. Mahike, are you guys having sex at all these days? There have been times when I wanted to watch a game or do something else at a certain moment. But still desired my wife in general. Mahike, my opinion (if you guys are having sex in general) is to let this one incident go. If you aren't getting intimate feelings from her at all, well, then, yeah.



OldWolf57 said:


> why are you even still there now ?? mine came to me to confess, hoping I would be reasonable. I was, I walked. Didn't want to know any details. Just straight SOUTH POLE COLDDDDDDDDDDDDD. They didn' last, and she know what she lost.


I feel this, brother. I already know that if I caught my wife reconnecting with the OM that the south pole cold is exactly what would happen to me. I feel this with 100% certainty. I told her this too, and it scared the crap out of her.

And look, I think I just popped my multi-quote cherry! Took me a whole year!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mahike I feel for you brother.

You have been spinning your wheels with this psycho woman for months. I remember well that she basically acted like a porn **** for the OM, and you get crumbs off the table. This was months ago and nothing has changed.

How much longer are you going to allow this broken woman to humiliate you?


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Let me just say as a woman/wife, maybe that night she just wasn't feeling it? I mean if she is doing this to you every night...okay that is a problem. But one night? She could have had tummy trouble..been tired...really just wanted to watch a show and go to bed.....anything. If it were me, I would try to make it up to my man at least by the next day tho. And remember the crap w/the OM was not real life. It was all happy fantasy, no problems, no bills, no kids....this fog can make people act in ways that are not real and true. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

sunshinetoday said:


> And remember the crap w/the OM was not real life. It was all happy fantasy, no problems, no bills, no kids....this fog can make people act in ways that are not real and true.


While it's true for her, it's not making it any easier for the OP. I'd bet he'd like his fantasies fulfilled too.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> Let me just say as a woman/wife, maybe that night she just wasn't feeling it? I mean if she is doing this to you every night...okay that is a problem. But one night? She could have had tummy trouble..been tired...really just wanted to watch a show and go to bed.....anything. If it were me, I would try to make it up to my man at least by the next day tho. And remember the crap w/the OM was not real life. It was all happy fantasy, no problems, no bills, no kids....this fog can make people act in ways that are not real and true.
> 
> _-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_




Sunshine I usually agree with you... but you are not a man. A wife's refusal to be sexually adventurous and free with her husband, only to turn around and act like a porn actress with her OM strikes a blow that few husbands can recover from. 

I'm sorry, but Mahike is being humiliated.... daily.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm sorry I thought his WS was no longer wandering. If it's still going on...well then forget what I said, and I don't know his backstory. I was just giving you a womans view of maybe why one night might not mean anything. Not that I want to stick up for his horrible wife!!!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> I'm sorry I thought his WS was no longer wandering. If it's still going on...well then forget what I said, and I don't know his backstory. I was just giving you a womans view of maybe why one night might not mean anything. Not that I want to stick up for his horrible wife!!!
> 
> _-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


No I dont think she is still in the affair, but from what it sounds like she is still not opening up to him sexually. 

That's gotta hurt.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This would have been extremely close to a dealbreaker for me at the very beginning. But then you agree to reconcile and she still won't do the things she did with the OM for you?

Dealbreaker. Don't be a doormat.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The Sex up till now has been hit and miss on how often and quality. She apologized yesterday and then we had a great time in the sack last night. 

She has been going to IC for a couple of weeks now along with our MC. No she is not EA or PA with that POS.

I knew it was going to take a lot of work but frankly I am worn out.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I feel for you.

I wish, I truly do, that your average woman could understand, even for a split second, the cruelty of sexual rejection in a marriage. Just so you know, I did a LOT of rejecting until I got my head screwed on right.

Far too many women do not understand--like it isn't even in their mindset--that sex is a profound expression of love that a husband has for a wife.

That is why this is so painful--she can say she loves you all she wants to, but she won't let you show her that you love her.

Too many women think that sex is just release for their husbands and that they're just being selfish by even asking.

It's such a yawning chasm between the two genders, you wonder sometimes how happy marriages exist.

If you've already told her (gently) that her sexual rejection wounds you to the core, and that sex is your way of showing her that you love her, and that her rejection of sex isn't a rejection of you so much as a rejection of your devotion to her, then this has travelled into the realm of being intentionally hurtful. I suspect not--many women being as ignorant as they are about this.

I pray that she will come around to the point where I am at--and I am not alone, I am part of a group of local women who gather for support for their marriages, and we all concur--once a day is not too much. Now that I took that point of view, we have sex as often as I can persuade him to do it--he's the one begging off because he's tired.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Mahike's story I'd the only instance where I have considered recommending a revenge affair. 

Of course that would just make things worse but his wife would definitely get a small taste of the anguish she put him through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Bandit, I guess as long as we are going to MC and she is in IC and we are making progress, I will keep working on things with her.

I am not sure if WS can ever really understand the damage and pain that they caused. I am also not sure if a woman can understand how crushing this is to a mans ego.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I have been blasted about this before, because the author of this book has a big mouth and I don't endorse all her wide-ranging (sometimes offensive) opinions.

The book that Dr. Laura wrote, the Care and Feeding of Husbands, explains very well the very modest expectations that the average good-hearted modern husband has. The discussions of the role of sex in a marriage are tender and meaningful. What I don't understand is that the concept of 'sex in marriage is slavery that a woman endures' is from Victorian times if it isn't even older. How is it that in 2012 with women finding their sexuality (mahike's wife being no different) that this could still be a norm?

Maybe it's time to stop calling it Madonna / wh*** syndrome--because that implies it's only the men looking at their wives that way--I think instead there's a female analogue.

Before I get flamed again, I just want to make clear that I'm politically independent (but lean toward the left), I have a graduate degree, I was extremely professionally successful, and I am not stupid. My own father taught me from childhood that I needed to rely on myself, marriage served the purpose of finding an equal partner to walk with through the struggles of life, not a prince who was ever going to save me.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Mahike's story I'd the only instance where I have considered recommending a revenge affair.
> 
> Of course that would just make things worse but his wife would definitely get a small taste of the anguish she put him through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There was at time when I had to really put a damper on the urge to have a revenge affair. It is so easy for a woman to find a sexual partner and my cheater husband's single best friend would have been a good choice for maximum pain because he is always telling other people he thinks I am attractive and he likes the way my mind works.

I decided against a revenge affair for many reasons pertaining to my own moral compass but later I realized, too, that a revenge affair might not teach the cheater the same lessons and cause the same pain. 

Why?

My logic, and let me know if you think it's crazy logic, is that I am in pain because I was so blindsided by the affair. 

I thought my husband was so honest and trustworthy. I thought I was so lucky to have someone like him.

Hence not only can I no longer trust him, I can never trust my own judgment either.

My husband would not be blindsided by a revenge affair. In fact he was and still is vigilant for it. 

The lack of being blindsided would take away a lot of the pain and distrustfulness of one's own judgment of others because he can understand the reason for a revenge affair. 

I can not and never will understand the reasons for his affair. 

We seemed to have a great relationship with the normal ups and downs of a long term marriage. He always told me I was a good wife. We had a good sex life, or so I thought.

Sigh!


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> No I dont think she is still in the affair, but from what it sounds like she is still not opening up to him sexually.
> 
> That's gotta hurt.


Could it be that she is shameful and opening up in a similar way brings back the shame too much? I don't know the whole story, but I was thinking that if I was Mahike, part of me would almost NOT want to do the same stuff she did with the OM, because it would hurt too much and be a reminder that THIS is what she did with someone else first. I would probably want to go off on a different tangent and try other things instead.

I understand the whole reclaim thing, but I think this is how I would react in his situation.

Mahike, what do you want from your wife?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ok, I had to re-read your threads to get an idea about what's going on. These are the facts as you wrote them. Correct me if I'm wrong.


Married 29 years with adult children
WW has always been sexually conservative to you
WW met OM at a High School Reunion, beginning an EA
WW started PA with OM beginning in Jan 2011 to June 2011 - allegedly "only" having sex once a month
During the PA, your WW was a sexual dynamo with OM, sexting, sending pictures, mutual masturbation, writing sex stories, etc.
DDay was sometime in August
During the next few months, OM continued to "fish" for renewed contact, and WW broke NC by responding
OM continued to email your WW and finally, in January this year, you finally exposed the affair to his Principle (OM is a high school teacher)

You never said what was the result of your exposure, you only said that the principle said he would take care of it. Did you ever find out what happened? Did you expose the affair to the OMW or his family? You say you are checking her phone and emails. Did you use a VAR to detect any burner phones? Have you used a keylogger to detect any secret email accounts? I see your WW still travels on business. It's possible that they are still in contact thru her work email and work phone, both of which you have no access to. 

Now, I know not everyone experiences the hysterical bonding sex. But considering the history of the affair, it seems to indicate that the affair is just deeper underground and she is at least maintaining some sort of contact. They may not be able to have sex anymore, but it seems that her head is still in the affair. Its really hard to say. Exactly how far away is OM?


----------



## qwerqwer (May 17, 2012)

Eat healthy, go to the gym as often as possible, become incredibly fit, then if she doesn't want anything, her loss, move on, plenty of others will.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> There was at time when I had to really put a damper on the urge to have a revenge affair. It is so easy for a woman to find a sexual partner and my cheater husband's single best friend would have been a good choice for maximum pain because he is always telling other people he thinks I am attractive and he likes the way my mind works.
> 
> I decided against a revenge affair for many reasons pertaining to my own moral compass but later I realized, too, that a revenge affair might not teach the cheater the same lessons and cause the same pain.
> 
> ...



My ex-wife proposed to me to have my own PA and that she would not begrudge me if I did. I told her no and filed for divorce. Though my intention was not to hurt her, the divorce filing and finalization was more devastating to her than if I had engaged in a RA.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to lord mayhem. You might very well be in a false R.

It would explain her total lack of real passion for you, and how she only finds it in herself to perform when she feels she has too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Exactly my feeling.

If his wife actually valued him and tha marriage you would think she would be acting like Linda Lovelace for him every day. Instead he gets half-a*ssed sex and excuses. 

Mahike is a stronger man than I. I would have kicked her to the curb long ago for such horsesh*t.


----------



## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> There was at time when I had to really put a damper on the urge to have a revenge affair. *It is so easy for a woman to find a sexual partner and my cheater husband's single best friend would have been a good choice for maximum pain *:iagree:because he is always telling other people he thinks I am attractive and he likes the way my mind works.
> 
> I decided against a revenge affair for many reasons pertaining to my own moral compass but later I realized, too, that a *revenge affair might not teach the cheater the same lessons and cause the same pain*. :iagree:
> 
> ...


You are an incredibly honest, insightful poster.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Exactly my feeling.
> 
> If his wife actually valued him and tha marriage you would think she would be acting like Linda Lovelace for him every day. Instead he gets half-a*ssed sex and excuses.
> 
> Mahike is a stronger man than I. I would have kicked her to the curb long ago for such horsesh*t.


:iagree:

Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Trying to have sex with H


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Trying to have sex with H


I wish they would get hit by a real bus. Omg.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Lordmayhem has it about right. His wife knows and they are now in MC as far as I know. The POS and I went to the same High School as well so I have heard a few things from mutual contacts. He is teaching but it appears he is no longer a coach. That was a big thing for him.

My wife has always had some baggage from her youth that was never dealt with such as a Father that beat her and he is gay on top of everything else. All these issues are being addressed now but it seems to be taking me for a bit of a ride.

As I mentioned things were great last night but when I spoke with her today she is down about some of our current financial issues.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I wish they would get hit by a real bus. Omg.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View topic - Trying to have sex with H



OMG That is disgusting. I nearly threw up reading the first few messages...couldn't go past the one where the guy said he gives his wife a "once every quarter pity f**k" WTF seriously??? Poor woman.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> We spent the morning in an email argument. nothing resolved..... I remember it took two years before she would even get undressed in front of me and it took two seconds her her to send pictures to the POSM. That is something she has never done for me.
> 
> He also sent her video of him jacking off. She will not even talk about the subject with me let alone anything else.


This is because she has no real desire to reconcile and do the work.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> OMG That is disgusting. I nearly threw up reading the first few messages...couldn't go past the one where the guy said he gives his wife a "once every quarter pity f**k" WTF seriously??? Poor woman.


Interesting you picked the one male poster out of about 10 females. God I wish I didn't read that link.


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

This thread reminds me of one of mine from Feb.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/39261-i-want-what-she-gave-her-ap.html

That was three months ago and things are only slightly better now honestly.

A couple of weeks ago she finally decided to try to do something about it on her own. And that effort has helped if only because I see her at least trying without me asking her to try if that makes sense.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I can totally understand the pain, espcially for those not having any hysterical bonding. Sex after the affair is NOT just sex. It's re-establishing intimacy, which in turn helps the healing process. The physical intimacy that comes from sex helps the reconnection and the healing. That's why when one WS came here asking how can she help her BH heal, I said throw lots and lots of sex at him. I know it helps for me and several others here who are in R.

As the BS you deserve more than what your WS gave to his/her AP. I told my own fWW that she owes me all the love she was giving OM and she definitely agrees and has been trying her best since. It's helped us bond more.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think it partially a tst by the WS to see if they can get away without putting any work in. It's a test to see you'll go soft and let them off. If you do,you fail since it sets the tone for the rest of the marriage.

They worked as the affair because the wanted to.

If they have to work at being with you because she have to, then honesty just let them go.

No begging or pleading by you. If they won't do what they did with the OM and with the same eagerness, then release them from the relationship, you should never settle fir being second, or third place.

You are giving the, a gift of you and days of your life. If they don't want to match that gift. Then they can leave, and you can find someone worthy to give your gift to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I feel for you.
> 
> I wish, I truly do, that your average woman could understand, even for a split second, the cruelty of sexual rejection in a marriage.
> 
> -once a day is not too much......... we have sex as often as I can persuade him to do it--he's the one begging off because he's tired.


iheartlife, I think you put a typo in that 1st paragraph. Didn't you mean 'person'? 

I would seriously think of ending it if there was a constant sexual rejection.

The last paragraph? Hear hear! THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! Rock on!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

mahike said:


> As I mentioned things were great last night but when I spoke with her today she is down about some of our current financial issues.


My question is.... why do you have to beg and plead and wait for her sexual attention?

Something isn't right in the land of Oz brother, and it sounds like she's using all that childhood crap as an excuse to treat you like your her dad. If she wasn't sexually molested or raped as a kid, then I don't see how such excuses wash. 

Maybe she sees you as a father figure and not a husband or lover??? :scratchhead:


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Remains said:


> iheartlife, I think you put a typo in that 1st paragraph. Didn't you mean 'person'?
> 
> I would seriously think of ending it if there was a constant sexual rejection.
> 
> The last paragraph? Hear hear! THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! Rock on!


Well, I said 'woman' in part because in this case OP is a man.

As the (not-so-proud) owner of The Sex Starved Wife, I know a thing or too about being rejected by one's husband.


----------

