# Owe him bigtime?



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You all know I've been on here with issues about our long term marriage. I am separating from my spouse due to building stress between us. The story is long and complex. We have very complex lives between us and four children we have.

I think I owe my spouse a deep apology - he does not know I have been posting my issues with everyone here on this forum - and I have been posting out of frustration and a "don't know how to deal with this" circumstance feeling with me and my dh. To be honest, I haven't many friends who have a marriage like mine, and not many who've been married 24+ years! So it is hard with such a long history.....and complex "baggage" as mine. (My childhood sexual abuse, years of therapy for depression; my daughter with brain cancer, but nope, no drugs or alcoholic issues for me and dh or our kids..:smthumbup:thank the LORD! Just smoking issues.....).

Well, my dh has done some incredibly touching things in the past week, which is the week of our 24th anniversary. 

One huge one, though it may seem minor to some here, is that he CLEARLY and without a doubt, reminded me how very much he loves me and why.

It began with a very simple text message while I was alone with our youngest son, ds nearly 16. Our anniversary is July 27th. He texted me at exactly 6pm on July 27th (my time and date in Texas), from Europe, where he was at work...

The text said: "*What were you doing exactly 24 years ago at this time?*" and he texted "*I was marrying the woman of my every dream and mother of my children*".

I burst into tears driving on an Interstate, because our DS was reading it to me as I was driving! 

SO, I called my dh this morning (late in the day Europe time). We had a nearly two hour phone conversation regarding my leaving/separation. (Gads, the phone bill! But worth "every dime", he said.....). 

(See, part of the reason I am leaving our home, is to try to jump start my career, which has been pretty much destroyed over 24 years. This is due to me maintaining a home with a man who jets all over the world, gone 18-20 days a month, and who has had TWO fairly "dynamic" careers in 35 years. He works hard, but it has been at great expense to my career and our homelife (not home Christmas much!). We have three kids between us...and the last coming when we were so far apart due to "issues" (an affair by me, 17 years ago, which he accepts much responsibility for - yes, I was WRONG, I know...) at a terrible moment in our marriage, when I was 38 and beginning a PhD, separated, and me deployed by surprise to Desert Storm...SO...long, complex history!)

At any rate, during this LONG conversation this a.m. my dh offered me profound and sincere thanks for my "maintaining" our home over his "difficult to cope with career", he spoke of his profound respect for me over all the sacrifices I've made to raise wonderful children (not without some grumbling, trust me). He wanted to offer his full support of "whatever it takes for me to reach my career goals", now that the kids are old enough to "manage fairly well on their own steam...". 

I was just *blown away* at his OBVIOUS "take" on my position over the years. It is like he *actually has been listening*, but not sure how to respond, or when to respond....:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead: He was so COOL! :smthumbup::smthumbup: I know, old term, but you know....:smthumbup::smthumbup: He was like, my hero, how corny is THAT?? 

We also talked about some issues that have hurt me terribly over the years, his seeming "callous" views on some things...and he said he 'deeply regretted the pain' he caused me. 

He asked me to "Please take all the time I want for myself over the next year..." because he intends to _ask me to marry him AGAIN_, and renew our wedding vows next year, our 25th anniversary, on a cruise of "my choice". OMG, did I die and go to heaven today???:smthumbup: (I kept thinking I was dreaming....he has been THINKING about all this..._*planning*_!) He is always taking NOTES and I never saw THIS coming! (Just like I never saw my 15th anniversary diamond band coming..._sneaky_ dh! )

*Wow.* All I can say is *wow*, and the photo on his dresser of us on our honeymoon...well, *wow*. 

Gulp.  I apologize, here, publicly to my dh...even though he hasn't heard all the crabbing I've done about him on here. He has probably heard it over the years, in less a manner perhaps...

I am just tickled. I wish he'd been HERE for me to kiss and hug! 

But I can *guarantee* I am going to go find him as soon as I can, I know where his plane lands....


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

This is fabulous! I had goosebumps just reading it. 

I am so happy for you. And I can hear how happy you are.

Congrats! Your husband really CAN be a hero.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

That's so good to hear, Sandy! Obviously a bright shining warmth! You go, girl! Print this thread for him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

wow. just wow.  

See? love does really conquer all.

Never ever ever ever give up. ~Winston Churchill.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

Good for you Sandy. Things and love have a way to work itself around. You thinking he was not listening, and here he goes to show you he heard you loud and clear. Probably got himself some perspectives and saw you for all the good things and remember everything else.

I am glad it has work out and you go girl, enjoy it.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Thats good he is being nice but I hope its not a matter of a too little too late. I only say this because your husband sounds like my ex and my ex would be nice FOR AWHILE, then go back to being himself ( not so nice to live and be with)
So, I hope for you it wasn't just a moment of weakness on his part where he is just messing with your head or something.

Best to you sandy !!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep the conversation going.....

Sounds like you've reconnected in a big way. Lessons learned for the both of you. 

Congrats on hearing those words..


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

preso said:


> Thats good he is being nice but I hope its not a matter of a too little too late. I only say this because your husband sounds like my ex and my ex would be nice FOR AWHILE, then go back to being himself ( not so nice to live and be with)
> So, I hope for you it wasn't just a moment of weakness on his part where he is just messing with your head or something.
> 
> Best to you sandy !!!


This had crossed my mind, Preso. You are very wise! Walking softly with my eyes open, as need to be.......

Keep me grounded, girl.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I agree...be careful...don't get too hopeful....but really enjoy it while you can.

I think he is coming to realize that you are leaving. While you are gone I think he will have a rude awakening. I hope this separation opens his eyes. He will realize what he has lost and what he is missing.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> This had crossed my mind, Preso. You are very wise! Walking softly with my eyes open, as need to be.......
> 
> Keep me grounded, girl.


I certainly don't mean to be a downer or anything but I have been through that as your husband sounds like my ex.
I was so starved for attention from him, I made too big a deal of anything good he had to say. Most of the relationship was kept together by me, alone and that he comes around once a year to buy me something unexpected and nice or that he says something wonderful... was not enough to sustain the relationship or make up for the fact he wasn't around much and when he was, not the best person to be around.
Please be very careful that you don't get false hope based upon something he says that is kind or romantic. Women who are starved for attention can make a big thing out of nothing...

too little, too late could be the issue, so just be careful you don't set yourself up for more disappointment, based on a 
brief moment of him being very sweet.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

it is so nice to have something to be happy about sometimes; enjoy it! And then, ENJOY the year apart!! I suspect it will be an amazing year with amazing discoveries of all types--lots to look forward to. Maybe you'll feel renewed and ready to head back home in a year! Maybe not! But, the point is, you are alive and kicking and doing something you really want to do. Who knows where it will lead--that isn't the point. Remember, it's about the journey, not the destination!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

To add:
be sure you look at the big picture and not a moment of the big picture as I'm sure the things that led up to your frustration
and anger will not be erased or easily overlooked and will not change.

My husband now is nothing like my ex with the attention issues. He gives me lots of attention and doesn't have a selfish attitude. He is a far better man than my ex. I am only glad I didn't spend 10 years with my ex and finally left him after nearly a decade, as I see it, it was a wasted decade for me and I worked far too hard in that relationship !!!
It was exhausting !!!
Don't let a moment steer your whole life !!!


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## k.m (May 18, 2009)

While I understand everyone asking you to be cautious, this does sound, like you said, like he HAS BEEN LISTENING. I know what those, "Oh, god, she's thinking about leaving -- I'd better act good" times are like -- this sounds different, to me.

Not to be "Debbie Downer," because I am optimistic for you -- but, because these kinds of insights and turnarounds are EXACTLY what those of us with "difficult" husbands dream of - the hope of them being WHY WE STAY through all the crap - what your husband is doing is sure to guarantee that I WON'T want to give up on my husband even though, perhaps, I should!

But good luck to you. I really hope he's sincere, and you can work things out to your satisfaction.


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## wayne (Aug 1, 2009)

that gives hope ,,,,,x


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hmmm. My dh and I have been talking for more than an hour each time he gets back from Europe. (he goes to Europe four times in 8 days, calls me when he gets stateside between each trip over...).

I think the trigger is multi-faceted. We had a very long and honest discussion where we discussed disappointments, expectations, successes we have had. We've discussed what we have going for us. 

One huge trigger is this issue we have regarding our 23 year old son. He has been a huge stress on our marriage. He is still living with us. My dh and I have been far apart on managing this son since he was about 16. Due to mismanagement of this son, things got very bad for our home from 2004 until NOW. That is five years of hanging on by our fingernails, and my dh has increased his time away from home, leaving me here alone to deal with the path my dh chose we were going to take. 

So now we are very close to the end of this "tunnel" we have light again. Hope that we are going to get through this huge five years of stress (and in the middle DD got brain cancer, so you can imagine).

SO, we have discussed what we have learned from our marriage. We have learned that CRAP ends. It seems endless, but it *ends*. When married people are raising kids, LOTS of stuff happens that is *not* planned and sometimes one never imagines can happen. When we are in the middle of managing things the best we can (and sometimes at odds with what just to DO) we need to realize we will get through it, and on the other side, there is another "us"...the basic is there, we are still Sandy and DH, but we have gone through a "fire" and survived and then we can turn our attention BACK to "us" without all the interference (of kids, finances, affairs, inlaws, health issues, etc), if you will.

We discussed that *interference* causes a couple to either come together and pull together, or can cause a couple to start pointing fingers at each other. We have done our share of pointing fingers at each other, and blaming, and I will admit I was the one doing most of the blaming.

Instead of blaming, I wish I had early ON tried to figure HIM out. Figure out what made him HAPPY, and what was important to him. I needed to know his three top needs.

As for him, he "dealt" with interference by avoiding dealing with the issues. He is the type who knows that many problems do go away if you just lay low, he deals with very defined parameters in his work, so when there are not parameters and guidelines, he just ignores if he can. Often no action works, simply letting things "be" but in a marriage, if guidelines are not laid out, boundaries if you will, then the couple just flies by the seat of their pants. 

I did a lot of that because I was alone 70% of our married life, I was in charge at home, I managed everything. BUT when HUGE issues would arise (such as my dd abuse court hearing issues and dealing with a DA, an my personal history of SA and her brain cancer later in our marriage...) I reached my limit of being able to deal alone...the first time, I had an affair over the stress; the second time, my dh was there for me in SPADES....

So, we both learned. I learned an affair is not where I look when DH isn't around, I stand up to DH and say "This is what a husband does, he stands and supports, he does not run away" Just as my DH says to me: "A wife does not run to another, she boots me in the rear and TELLS me to step up to the plate and take time off from work, BE there".

We have learned not to be shy about telling each other the truth and what to do for each other. 

We have grown, we have evolved. We are still evolving. 

We are in agreement that I go away and live apart until we can resolve our DS 23, as the economy is such that DS clearly cannot get off the ground in the next 6-12 months. But my dh knows I cannot take any more of watching his and DS23 interaction and such. I just have reached my limit, and my DH understands I mean what I say...and I am in a position to use my feet to get my point across. 

DH knows he must let me go as rather an atonement for decisions I asked DH not to make in regards to DS23, four years ago. Because I was not in agreement and told DH he would have to live with the consequence of his terrible management of this DS, I would not do so, DH knows he must now stay and be responsible for this son, live with his (crap) habits and attitudes and work with this son to "launch" him.
I don't feel as if I am bailing out, rather not enabling any longer.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Wow Sands...that's really beautiful. 

(Had to go back and quote):


Sandy said:


> SO, we have discussed what we have learned from our marriage. We have learned that CRAP ends. It seems endless, but it ends. When married people are raising kids, LOTS of stuff happens that is not planned and sometimes one never imagines can happen. When we are in the middle of managing things the best we can (and sometimes at odds with what just to DO) we need to realize we will get through it, and on the other side, there is another "us"...the basic is there, we are still Sandy and DH, but we have gone through a "fire" and survived and then we can turn our attention BACK to "us" without all the interference (of kids, finances, affairs, inlaws, health issues, etc), if you will.


(Okay I keep editing to add more):

Me and my husband read it (well he's reading it now), and throughout out the whole things you write he said, wow she is so spot on esp. when you mentioned how it can come together or point fingers at each other.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

One huge trigger is this issue we have regarding our 23 year old son. He has been a huge stress on our marriage. He is still living with us. My dh and I have been far apart on managing this son since he was about 16. Due to mismanagement of this son, things got very bad for our home from 2004 until NOW.

Quote from Sandy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is why my husband is so careful with his daughter as she has graduated school and still living with her mother ( she's 19)
and shows no signs of wanting to be independent. She drinks a lot ( don't even know how she goes clubbing since she isn't 21 )
and she has already tried to tell us that she has "RIGHTS" to my house, to come and party and bring her friends.
so..........
we are aware she can cause us many problems as she has made a few serious attempts. We are not going to let her destroy our marriage.
Both my husband and I left home RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, either military or moved to secure work and start education. We were both independent by her age. She has no excuse to sit around doing nothing and living with her mom. She spends her money on tattoos, not rent... 
so we are very careful to let her know, she is NOT going to live with us... WE FEEL it would only screw her up to do so... as we all need to learn to be independent and if she can find a way to club and pay for tats, she can figure out how to pay rent and electric bills. 
We are having to be very tough with her as the situation calls for it. There is no way we are going to have her live with us.


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