# Really need some help..



## helpintampa (Apr 13, 2010)

To start of I have been reading alot here and have learned so much, but I really need some help. I found out my wife was having sex with another man little over a year ago. She did things sexually with him that she would never do with me. It destroyed me, but I could not leave because we have two kids and I still loved her. For a very long time I was not open to try unless she was more willing to be open in our sex life with just like she was with him but it never happened so I went out and had a affair to get back at her hoping that would open her eyes a little and to show me some attention. It worked but not much so I pretty much gave up and was a real jerk to her. Now after about 6 mths of fighting I woke up and want to give it 100 percent. Now she is telling me she does not want to try. I want to try for my kids cause i see that they are hurting too but all I hear from her is she is tired and does not want to try and does not like to come home. I ask her to take it day by day and that I will make alot of changes in my life to prove to her I want us to work but she is really not open to it. Can I make this marriage work?? I need some help here.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I ask her to take it day by day and that I will make alot of changes in my life to prove to her I want us to work but she is really not open to it. Can I make this marriage work?? I need some help here.


Yes, you can make it work, but it will take some dedication and careful, loving and honest behavior on your part. If you are willing to give it a try, the very first thing you'll need to do is give your wife a little space and start work on yourself for a time.

When I say 'give her space' I don't mean neglect her, nor allow her to do things that are harmful to you or the kids. I mean avoid any manipulative, controlling behavior (whining, crying, pleading, threatening, ordering, begging...etc...)

First, read this short article on how affairs start (it will give you a background for a way to proceed) - even if there are no affairs going on in your life right now (for either of you.)

My advice is to go through a series of questionnaires that are helpful: learn about your particular personality, how you communicate with others, etc.

Once you find your personality _type_: go here to find out more about yourself.

Then take the Love Buster's Quiz (take it as if it was your wife taking it) to see if you can guess at what things you have done in your marriage that may have dampened her love for you. Ideally she would take this quiz for her, you would take it for you, and you would discuss it together, but right now, I sense that she would be unresponsive. 

That will change once she begins to see some things she likes in you. So give it time, give her time, be patient and start to change yourself, becoming more attractive to her.

Are you a Christian? Check out this Love Dare site for a 40 day step by step program that has some amazing results. 

And journal yourself here - vent, ask for help, read a lot, think, do, love...

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## helpintampa (Apr 13, 2010)

Wow thank you for the great advice. I have a great feeling that she may be seeing someone else at work and that may be why she is telling me she does not want to try. But I will give her the space.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

of course you can fix your marriage, you have been given some good advice and with a positive attitude towards her and your marriage, slowly things will turn around, 

I commend you for your decision and she will also appreciate your efforts eventually.......hang in there it's a long road to recovery but worth it in the end......
My husband went from wanting to leave me for his affair woman to wanting to re-build our marriage and keeping my family together. I was the only one for months working on the marriage and he finally saw the effort I was making and fell back in love with me........it's a process but it feels good to re-connect in a better way then it was.......
If it doesn't work at least you will know you did all you could for your marriage and family


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## helpintampa (Apr 13, 2010)

I real scared about this whole thing. The reason is because like I said I think she is seeing another man at work and I say that because she lied to me on Friday and told me she went out with a gf and about 11 after many calls and texts to my wife with no response from her i was getting worried something happened I called her gf and she said she has not been with my wife. The next day after alot of fighting she told me she went over to a guy friends house. She did not get home till 2 am and said they did nothing and his girlfriend was there. I have a real hard time with this. All she has told me is she is tired and done. I told her I was ready to change and to put 110% back into our marriage. All she said was is she cant promise she will try...


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

helpintampa said:


> I real scared about this whole thing. The reason is because like I said I think she is seeing another man at work and I say that because she lied to me on Friday and told me she went out with a gf and about 11 after many calls and texts to my wife with no response from her i was getting worried something happened I called her gf and she said she has not been with my wife. The next day after alot of fighting she told me she went over to a guy friends house. She did not get home till 2 am and said they did nothing and his girlfriend was there. I have a real hard time with this. All she has told me is she is tired and done. I told her I was ready to change and to put 110% back into our marriage. All she said was is she cant promise she will try...


It does sound like there could be another man in the mix - and while the advice I gave above still stands - there is one more thing you should be doing - gather some evidence of an affair - if you wish to save your marriage, the affair (if it exists) will need to end. To that end, you'll have some tough steps ahead.

At the same time - concentrate on working on yourself. In the end, this has a positive benefit, regardless of the of the outcome of other issues.

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to snoop to gather evidence, and then stop the affair, before she will ever pay enough attention to you so you CAN fix the marriage. This is step #1. If it's at work, you may want to hire a PI to follow them, as you'll have trouble getting any evidence at home.


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## helpintampa (Apr 13, 2010)

Well once again tonight she reminded that she is tired and wants out. I then told her she can feel that way but I was not giving up. I am going to try the love dare and see how this will go for me. I also told her that this weekend I was going to take the kids to church and this is a very big deal for me because I have not been for about 20 years and was not a believer. I asked her to go with us and she said NO.... I really hope there is a light at the end of this hole


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Um...were you really asking for advice or just venting? Because you seem to be ignoring all the advice.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

helpintampa said:


> Well once again tonight she reminded that she is tired and wants out. I then told her she can feel that way but I was not giving up. I am going to try the love dare and see how this will go for me. I also told her that this weekend I was going to take the kids to church and this is a very big deal for me because I have not been for about 20 years and was not a believer. I asked her to go with us and she said NO.... I really hope there is a light at the end of this hole


This is a very good step forward for you and the kids. Part of recovery in a marriage is dependent upon you becoming the man your wife would really want (being the Greatest Husband and Father in the world.) This is a great way to get started.

Keep looking for evidence that there may be an affair, but don't neglect to keep improving yourself. There may or may not be an affair, but in the meantime, this is great stuff.

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