# should I divorce my wife?



## seeking help (Jan 16, 2011)

Here is some of my story. Three years ago I kept watching how my wife was acting around my married brother. I ask my wife was something going on, at first she said no then she confessed that she had an affair for over a year. My heart was broken. However my first words were we can work this out because we have kids and have been married for some time now. We started working things out then all of a sudden my wife tells me she did not have the affair I was crushed to say the least. Then she went back and confessed again this time I ask for details and she gave them. Well this kept happen several time over three years. Now after the last years of me working though this she promised that it did take place. During the year we had two setbacks because of two little things that she did that reminded me of the issues. Last month at the family reunion we saw him. After we returned home she do it again and says it did not happen. I was doing fine and we were moving alone until then. Now after all I been through she deny everything now it’s driving me crazy. please let me know your thoughts.

How can someone confess with details then deny it?


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

How can you believe the back and forth? Why not ask your brother?

As far as the flipping sounds very irrational does she have mental health issues? Sure sounds like it!!


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just ask your brother.

But I dunno... whether she slept with him or not she's put you through the ringer over and over. Maybe whether she did or not isn't an issue anymore.


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Ask your brother. Is your brother married. If so, tell his wife. Go to a marriage counsellor with your wife. Regardless of whether it happened or not, the confession is good enough for me! You can't unring a bell. If she confessed, you can presume she did it.


----------



## seeking help (Jan 16, 2011)

I talked to my brother and his wife when this came out. My brother deny it he looking out for his marriage.


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I wouldn't trust your wife or your brother. It's a mess! I can't even imagine. Did you ask your wife why she would admit to something so horrible and then take it back? What would be the purpose? Maybe your brother is threatening or forcing her to take it back to protect his marriage?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Lie detector test.

She either is an incredibly cruel liar or an incredibly cruel cheater or is undergoing incredible pressure from someone to deny the truth.

Until you know the truth of WHY she has flip-flopped her story I'd be wary of your brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Without trust in a marriage you have no marriage. I honestly don't think it matters at this point whether she had an affair or not. The constant flip-flopping over the past three years leaves you with a trust issue in your marriage. She has been lying at least 50 percent of the time.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

No mentally healthy person would do what your wife has done. There is no benefit in it nor does it make any sense at all.


----------



## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Have you seen a counselor together? It's a bit different than the "average" affair; I can't even imagine what would go through my heart and head if I knew my brother were involved in destroying my family and marriage, but I doubt it would be nice. Probably sadness and anger. Also, I don't know and I'm not hearing that you know who was most likely to have instigated or how they were thrown together (all the past stuff), but there are people who can do a really good job of making even normal people act crazy. If you two can't get down to a deeper level, it'll probably continue to play out 'til she can't take it anymore or something else happens. I'm not saying your brother is messing with her head, but it is a possibility and very cruel if it's the case. At least as cruel as messing in your brother's marriage. Best wishes to you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think michzz is on to something, the 1st thing that popped into my mind was black mail. Is our brother capeable of such things. Is he a ruthless business man, or affiliated with a certain group that collect debts and harm people?

I may be reaching, but is it possible that there is a threat so unbelievable that it is unbelievable. The threat may not be directed at you but maybe her or a secret that she is harboring.

It is simply possible that she has a mental issue, but the possiblity of blackmail is just as possible. There could be something that makes her retrack all that she said to prevent someone getting hurt or something being exposed. 

Finding that out may be just as difficult as healing her mentally. Just something to think about, and to think about the people the both of you interact with.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have two ways for you to look at this: 

1) Let's say she 100% is telling the truth that there was no affair. Since there was no affair and she was just being cruel to you in an attempt to get your attention (let's say), nothing happened so she has no way to prove it did not happen...because nothing happened. 

However, this would mean that is willing to harm you in the worst way that anyone CAN be harmed in order to get what she wants. 

2) Let's say she 100% is telling the truth that there WAS an affair. She would have emails, texts, chatlogs, letters, photos or something to prove something was happening, because something was indeed happening. She may not want to show you that "evidence" because it makes her feel guilty, and she may be denying now just to soothe her own conscience. 

However, this would mean she is capable of infidelity and then lying to your face just to deny her personal responsibility. 

No matter which way you look at it a) You will probably not see definitive proof that it did or did not happen, and even if you did see it all, you'd never know for certain if you DID see it all! and b) she has some very serious issues she needs to work on! Either she is willing to harm you in the worst way that anyone CAN be harmed in order to get what she wants--OR--she is capable of infidelity and then lying to your face just to escape her personal responsibility. 

Thus I would suggest "letting go" of the idea that you'll ever know 100% whether she did or did not cheat. At this point, my suggestion would be to assume she did and just move on from that assumption. Even tell her that unless she can prove otherwise you're going to assume she did act unfaithfully and then work to recover from that standpoint. Then I would STRONGLY suggest explaining both of these options I've outlined above and indicate to her that both of those option indicate she is willing and able to DEVASTATINGLY HARM you in order to make herself feel better, and that in order to stay in a marriage with you, you will need someone with whom you are safe. The line in the sand is that if she's willing to go to counseling and do the work necessary to find out why she'd be able to hurt someone she says she loves...you'll give her the time to work through it. She picks the counselor, makes the appointment, does the work...and you don't nag her. If she's willing to do that, she's willing to change and improve herself. If she's not willing to do that, what she's saying is that it doesn't bother her to harm you and if I were in your shoes, I would separate until you have reason to believe she's changed.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is either a cheat or a horrible person for torturing you. Tell her that you are going to divorce her. Then wait about a week. Then tell her you are not gonna do it. Then a week later serve her with divorce papers.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Know theres an noval idea, why not do this every other day -I want a d, I don't want a d, I want a d, I dont' want a d. 

As two wrongs don't make it right, I'm sure this is not the most healthest way to repair a marraige.

And as always AC comes through with some awsome perspectives.


----------



## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

827 Aug says it straight.Without Trust there is no marriage as there also is No respect so what is left?


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

While I wouldn't blame you for wanting to divorce her, I would also have to ask: If there was no affair, what drove her to try this tactic?
I think she needs professional help-she's either a cheater, a compulsive liar, or the drama queen from hell who is going to deep extremes for attention.


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Divorce or not I would need to know the truth. For me not the details but did it happen or not or you will be forever wondering. Good luck there is great advice here from others more experienced than myself.


----------



## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> I wouldn't trust your wife or your brother. It's a mess! I can't even imagine. Did you ask your wife why she would admit to something so horrible and then take it back? What would be the purpose? Maybe your brother is threatening or forcing her to take it back to protect his marriage?


That's it now it makes sense. I agree with Workingitout on this.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------

