# Wife's comments keep burning



## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

A little background we have been together about 3 years and married a little over 1 year now. And we have a 6 month old baby, new house, and comfortable life.

She has made comments that have really added up over time to be an issue for me. The first comment was an awkward joke about 6 months into dating. I said something about a news article being just a stub but mine and she said, "Like your ****". 

TMI ALERT - The next time 6 months later we were drinking talking about first times etc. I made a comment that with my first girlfriend the blood wasn't much worse then say a bad period. She said well you are not the girthiest man in the world. WTF?

When we found out we were having a son she made a comment that she hopes he doesn't have a small penis because of me. That one kinda stung for more than a minute.

I had plenty of sexual experience prior to meeting her. And never had a comment like any of these. I always thought my penis was pretty average. Its pretty close to 6.5 inches long and a little under 5inches around in the middle closer to 5.5 inches at the base.

I became somewhat distraught and depressed over this issue. Feeling inadequate for your partner is terrible. I even went and purchased some penis rings to increase the girth.

Finally, I confronted her on the issue. She said through a lot of crying that she said those things to push me away because she was afraid I would leave and hurt her. And that my penis is above average in size and our sex life is the best ever. And that she loves me just the way I am and not to use the rings anymore.

I dont really know what to think. But I am angry at her for treating me in what I think is a really unfair manner. And I don't believe anything she says about my size or sex now. Sometimes if I dwell on things she has said I really contemplate leaving the marriage.

Any advice?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like she's not really that into you. Sorry, but it does. A woman who repeatedly tells her man that he's got a small package does not respect him and is not acting the way a loving wife should. Especially this early in the marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Based on statistics, you are above average in both length and girth. Your wife was purposefully trying to make you feel insecure. According to her explanation, she did it to keep you in line somehow. Does she do this in other areas as well? 
One of the key principles in marriage is that couples are supposed to have each other's backs. Clearly she does not have your back.
When someone does or says something offensive, are you usually this passive about it? You should have stopped her and said something about it long ago rather than letting fester and letting her mistreat you.

Statistics: What Is The Average Penis Size? - Medical News Today


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You are above average. Have no worries in that department. What you need to address is her need to cut you down (no pun intended) to feel good or safe in the relationship. I believe she is telling the truth in that she is trying to push you away. Her words/ intention are not ok. Get to the bottom of this pronto!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It's a cruel bait and switch she pulled by allowing you to assume she was really into Little Richard...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does she have abuse in her history?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Well next time she ask's "who you gonna please with that little thing?!" You reply with "ME!"

Booyah!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

you have to question a wife that cuts you like this. WTH?????

I would have nailed her on the first comment. How would she like it if you said man your azz is huge!!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So your ding ding is just fine so what else is going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

I have been with "small" men and "large" men. It doesn't matter. And I would NEVER say something negative about the person I was committed to. It sounds like she has self-esteem problems and those are HER problems. Not yours. I would sit down with her and tell her your feelings are hurt by this instead of holding on to it. It will just build and you will not like her and she will sense this and then say more mean things because she has self-esteem issues.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

That's pretty dang messed up. I'd tell her that your ex called and said she is missing your tiny little deformed penis so you plan to meet with her next month to discuss what this means for your future. 

Or, just casually mention one day "I wonder how much child support a guy like me would have to pay after a divorce?"


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> Based on statistics, you are above average in both length and girth. Your wife was purposefully trying to make you feel insecure. According to her explanation, she did it to keep you in line somehow. Does she do this in other areas as well?
> One of the key principles in marriage is that couples are supposed to have each other's backs. Clearly she does not have your back.
> When someone does or says something offensive, are you usually this passive about it? You should have stopped her and said something about it long ago rather than letting fester and letting her mistreat you.
> 
> Statistics: What Is The Average Penis Size? - Medical News Today


The first comment I just thought was an awkward joke. Sex was fine and I had no reason to feel like she would go there.

The second comment I was like WTF? And we talked about it then and there. This resulted in a bunch of drunken double talk. But I came away thinking she wished my penis was thicker.

The third comment she was pregnant. I just acted like I didnt even hear it. But that is the one that festered.

When I finally said something the last time it wasnt pretty. I told her that the marriage is in jeopardy. That she has been toxic, disrespectful, and outright malicious to the person she is supposed to care the most about.

She said that she was the most stupid woman in the world for doing that. And that she was scared I was going to leave her so if she said something like that to push me away when I did leave it would some how be better? 

And then a bunch about how great our sex life is and how much she loves my size and shape. This went on for awhile but to be honest I wasnt really listening anymore.

Followed by a great deal of crying and pleading with me not to leave.

To her the subject is closed. She says she thinks my penis size is perfect. And that our sex is amazing the best of her life. That she loves me with all her heart. And that she promises to never say or do anything to hurt me like that ever again.

To me I just think she is a liar. Bottom line is I just dont understand her whole push you away explanation. And I dont know what she could do or say to make it okay again. 

And the way it resolved is if she does want a thicker feeling we have closed all discussion on that subject. Meaning if there is an issue for her now it just becomes a bigger sexual issue down the road.

I just dont know what to do. But I am sick of feeling upset about this. And just want to feel confident and good in my sexual relationship with my wife. That shouldnt be asking too much...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Sometimes you just have to trust somebody's explanation for events.

To me, it sounds legit, in that this was her coping mechanism to allay her fears of you leaving, etc. People DO do this, unfortunately, in all kinds of scenarios.

It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Her self esteem didn't allow her to think you would stay with a person like her, for whatever reason. Perhaps previous relationships? So rather than pour her heart and soul into the relationship, she subconsciously tried to sabotage it.

I've had interesting discussions with my wife about this sort of thing. She's been hurt numerous times in her life (as have we all...) and her way of dealing with that is to try and ensure she doesn't go through it in the same way again. So what my wife did is have these walls to protect her. In essence, when someone gives everything they have to a relationship or marriage, only to be hurt in return, it theoretically hurts MORE. I speak from experience, by the way.

So it's a way of guarding ones self from major pain and hurt, but it's at the cost of a really great relationship where you give your partner all you have to give.

Often, these things are manifested in ways in which one person almost goads the other into ending the relationship, and once it's done, they can say "I told you so" (mainly to themselves...)

People do this sort of thing in all kinds of situations, work, friendships, marriages, etc. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's there, and it's more prevalent than many of us think.

It's a tricky situation to be in, though. For example, I now know that my wife, at some point, gave her all to somebody, only to be betrayed. Her coping mechanism was to never give her all to somebody again, in order to minimize any potential pain and hurt. That was how she dealt with it.

So she gave everything she had to somebody, and, in her eyes, it wasn't good enough for that person - so why bother doing it again? It only resulted in heartbreak and severe feelings of inadequacy. From that point on, she was never broken up with again - she always ended whatever relationship she was in. This put her in control, and minimized whatever pain she assumed was inevitable when a relationship ended.

I have to say, too, that my ex wife spent the last 2 years of our marriage doing this sort of thing to me. After 12+ years of being a wonderful wife, friend and partner, she turned on me (not surprisingly, at the same time as when she met her AP and future husband). I don't believe she suddenly decided I wasn't good enough, otherwise she would have left then and there. Instead, she spent 2 years basically goading me into leaving her - so she didn't have to be the bad guy. So she didn't have to be the one to make the big decision.

And it's essentially the same way my current wife treated our relationship the first 2 or so years. Not in the same way, mind you (my wife didn't insult me, for one). But basically just not giving her all. The similarities between the two? They were both chickens. For different reasons, but all the same.

My wife wanted to be with me, but was afraid of getting hurt. My ex wife didn't want to be with me, but was afraid of leaving me, or making a mistake, or (more likely) the consequences and damage it would do to her reputation and appearance.

So basically, it's selfish behaviour, and nothing more.

I am lucky that I gave my wife some time, discussed it with her, and she absolutely agreed with my theory. Whatever walls she had up are 98% gone, now, and the marriage is 100x better for it.

*ETA - I believe what got through to my wife was that I told her that this guy, who hurt her so bad 20-odd years ago and generally started this ball rolling, still had a hold over her life - one that affected not only any relationship she had after that, but ours. In essence, this guy screwed her over when she was 19 or 20, and was still screwing her over. Basically, she allowed him to "win" (or her to lose) continuously, over and over again, in a cycle. She turned a corner after that.




Leevit2f8 said:


> The first comment I just thought was an awkward joke. Sex was fine and I had no reason to feel like she would go there.
> 
> The second comment I was like WTF? And we talked about it then and there. This resulted in a bunch of drunken double talk. But I came away thinking she wished my penis was thicker.
> 
> ...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> I just dont know what to do. But I am sick of feeling upset about this. And just want to feel confident and good in my sexual relationship with my wife. That shouldnt be asking too much...


If she wants thicker, she should start doing kegel exercises. The problem is not with thickness, as you are quite a bit above average and most women are well satisfied with someone not as thick. It stands to reason that either she is lying, which she probably is, or she needs better muscle tone.

Is she like this in other areas as well? Have you seen her treat other people like that?

No, you aren't asking too much. Your wife has been out of line and your response to her was reasonable.

You could buy these for your wife and tell her this should take care of her muscle tone issues, so you are hoping she'll put these to good use. http://www.amazon.com/Gemjoy-Pelvic...UTF8&qid=1459262556&sr=8-3&keywords=kegel+egg If she really does have a problem, this should resolve it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Making light of someone's situation is not allowed on the forum. Several posts have been removed. If you suspect an issue with the thread or posts, please report them. Thanks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude, the thing is, your thing is big. It's not small.
ALL women know damn well you don't make negative comments about their man's equipment.

What she did, for whatever reason, was to make you FEEL small. I would drop a woman that ever said that to me. Because it's about the most awful thing your lover could say to you. I'd rather a woman tell me I'm a complete ******* and my breath stinks and my B.O. Smells like a skunks arse than tell me my tools were dinky.

You lined her out on this and she did it AGAIN????? 

You need to base any decision you have with the realization that 99% of women would think your tool is awesome. She's trying to mess with your head, lol.
She messed with one, and got the other as well.
Don't let her. Serve her up a big dish of worry herself. I'd threaten to leave her, do it for a while, and actually consider making it stick.
She is hitting below the belt. Seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Your wife is absolutely out of line. She needs to know in no uncertain terms that she is heading for divorce if she continues.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Leevit2f8 said:


> I just dont know what to do. But I am sick of feeling upset about this. And just want to feel confident and good in my sexual relationship with my wife. That shouldnt be asking too much...


Yes you do know what to do. You tell her in no uncertain terms that this WILL lead to divorce if she doesn't start respecting and cherishing you. If you think it will make a difference, go to MC with her - that might show her how serious you are. But it might not too. Only time will tell.

You need to decide that this IS a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly. If it isn't a dealbreaker, prepare to feel this way for the rest of your life.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

To be clear, since I told her that the comments bothered me to the point of leaving the marriage she has been fine. There hasnt been any more comments. In fact, she has gone out of her way to treat me very well. And the amount of compliments in all regards have increased substantially.

She would never say anything derogatory about me in that regard now. If we are watching TV and a penis joke is told she doesnt even react at all. It is pretty obvious she is being very careful to not say or do anything that might insult me.

Still sometimes I hear her words ring in my head. And these comments werent made in anger or in a fight. They seemed like drunken slips or foot in mouth disease to me. 

The night she made the not the girthiest man comment I reacted. She flat out said my penis is pretty long but not the thickest. I was taken aback and frankly in shock. The conversation just got worse. I said we could get a toy and she seemed intrigued and interested. Then quickly did a 180 and said it wasnt a good idea. She was drunk and that whole conversation was confusing and ridiculous. This is her push you away moment I guess... Almost worked I would have ended it there if I knew how much this would eat at my brain over time.

So I think she DID/DOES have an issue with my size. And she was just cruel about it and made me feel insufficient. When I called her on it then she feels bad and has psychobabble excuses.

Her final words on the matter are as follows. She never had an issue with my size or our sex life. She loves my penis just the way it is and wouldn't change anything. It was all her insecurity and stupidity. She loves me, our sex life, our life together and just wants to forget the whole thing. Everything is perfect, nothing was ever wrong, she made it all up because shes crazy, shes sorry, and she will never do anything like that again. Case Closed.

She gets defensive and wont talk about it now.  She says the only thing I will believe now is if she says my penis is too skinny for her. And that she wont say that because it is not true. Then gets frustrated and says she cant help fix a problem with my penis or our sex life when there wasnt one in the first place. 

I dont know some days I cant really even stand looking at her. And the thought of getting a divorce because my wife made a **** comment seems crazy to even entertain. She has asked me what she could do or say to prove to me how much she loves and appreciates me. And Ive got nothing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The trouble is once the words come out you can't put them back in.

Is she generally immature?


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> The trouble is once the words come out you can't put them back in.
> 
> Is she generally immature?


Exactly what I said to her. How do you unring a bell?

She has matured a lot in the relationship. But yes early on especially she is fairly immature/spoiled.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to let this go. 

Or divorce, up to you. 
I would let it go. She treats you good now, and admits it was an idiotic mistake. If she's not happy with your size, it's her problem, not yours. You're bigger than average.
I wouldn't let it ruin my marriage if i were you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why would you marry a girl who insults your junk?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

She is decimating your self esteem so you will believe nobody else will ever love you, thus ensuring you remain by her side FOREVER.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, well then the question is, can you forgive and move past this?

She seems sorry, and maybe a bit embarrassed about her behaviour. Of course she doesn't want to keep going over it. She admits she made a mistake and has apologized.

If you now are not able to let it go, then it's your issue and not hers.


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Leevit2f8 said:


> I dont know some days I cant really even stand looking at her. And the thought of getting a divorce because my wife made a **** comment seems crazy to even entertain. She has asked me what she could do or say to prove to me how much she loves and appreciates me. And Ive got nothing.



Mr. Leevit,

I understand what you're going through. My husband, even when he has no bad intentions, can still say blunt things that hurt me. And as a result of being hurt, I hurt him back by being cruel and rude. It still hurts to think back what he had said, even if it was two years ago.

But we apologized and forgive each other-- many times -- and we learn from mistakes. I really hope you ignore the negative comments and throw away the good for nothing advice.

Take this hurtful experience as a opportunity for you to learn:

1) how to make her feel secure. 
2) how to forgive an imperfect human.
3) how to absorb the good moments and weed out the good feelings/memories.

I hope you and your wife can weather this one...so that more love and happiness may come in the future.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is not going to get better unless you forgive her for her foolish words and the attitude behind them. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is realizing that someone hurt you and not carrying around hurt or anger from it. You are in a state of bitterness now. If she is not doing anything else to undermine you and to make you feel small and she is doing what she can to resolve what she has done, then you can move on, but you have to will it and make it happen without yourself. It is a choice that you make. If it comes back up again in your mind, you forgive and let go again. It's not going to happen all by itself. Trusting her may take more time, but that's okay, as long as she is continuing to show herself trustworthy.

Either you forgive her and let it go or you will be living with this until you do or until you divorce her.

I understand she made some ridiculously hurtful comments out of some character flaw that she has. But in long term marriage, most people have something big come up that they have to forgive. You chose whether she is a good wife now or not and if you can let this go. Personally, I find it is much better to forgive and not let bitterness take root in my heart, even if I end a relationship. Bitterness will eat you up inside.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> To be clear, since I told her that the comments bothered me to the point of leaving the marriage she has been fine. There hasnt been any more comments. In fact, she has gone out of her way to treat me very well. And the amount of compliments in all regards have increased substantially. *Perhaps she has learned the error in her ways. *
> 
> She would never say anything derogatory about me in that regard now. If we are watching TV and a penis joke is told she doesnt even react at all. It is pretty obvious she is being very careful to not say or do anything that might insult me. *It is quite possible she understands this is a sore subject. Significant other do not insult each other. It should be second nature to be respectful. Perhaps your W needed to understand that. *
> 
> ...


I would say there is nothing your W can say as she has said too much already. Sometime folks just say the dumbest things in truth or jest hurting another without realizing it. You said your W now is conscience of how she says things about certain subjects. I do the same with my W. My W will do it as well. It is called tact. It appears your W has matured a bit in the marriage. Take it as a learning experience in respecting each other.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll try a different angle here. .... why were you discussing the blood with your ex gf? Do you make a habit of talking about exes? 

That doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to discuss in front of your wife. 

I ask because my hb has done this a lot and I can see how it might cause one to lash out or make snide remarks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll try a different angle here. .... why were you discussing the blood with your ex gf? Do you make a habit of talking about exes?
> 
> That doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to discuss in front of your wife.
> 
> ...


Good question. 

Lots of guys try to 'trap' their wives by these kinds of conversations. And essentially put them in a spot where they have to choose between honesty and being shamed. 

Could she be feeling like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is not going to get better unless you forgive her for her foolish words and the attitude behind them. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is realizing that someone hurt you and not carrying around hurt or anger from it. You are in a state of bitterness now. If she is not doing anything else to undermine you and to make you feel small and she is doing what she can to resolve what she has done, then you can move on, but you have to will it and make it happen without yourself. It is a choice that you make. If it comes back up again in your mind, you forgive and let go again. It's not going to happen all by itself. Trusting her may take more time, but that's okay, as long as she is continuing to show herself trustworthy.
> 
> Either you forgive her and let it go or you will be living with this until you do or until you divorce her.
> 
> I understand she made some ridiculously hurtful comments out of some character flaw that she has. But in long term marriage, most people have something big come up that they have to forgive. You chose whether she is a good wife now or not and if you can let this go. Personally, I find it is much better to forgive and not let bitterness take root in my heart, even if I end a relationship. Bitterness will eat you up inside.


I told her that she lost part of me. And that I had begun to shut down. The bitterness has eaten me up inside. And that I should have left her the night she made her drunk comments.

Basically I look at it as an attack on my manhood. A direct shot below the belt figuratively and literally. To attack my penis size? Its crazy! I made a comment to her about the penis ring. I said how stupid is it because of her BS I am wrapping a rubber band around my penis to have sex with my wife!!!

Then I am in my house looking up penis stats and how to measure and using a tailor tape to measure my junk? I am irritated with myself for letting it get to me so much. But then again the only 2 people I care if they like my penis is my wife and myself. She has managed to wreck at least my opinion. And by the sounds of it her opinion of my junk wasn't much to begin with anyway.

Its just unfair. To attack something I have no control over? Someone said earlier she did it to devalue me to the point I wouldn't leave her because I would feel unlovable. Thats probably the closest thing to any explanation that makes sense.

Thank you for the kind words. I just have to make a decision on if over time I can overcome the damage.

You have to understand though. This is a woman when we had the ultrasound and found out it was a boy she said I hope he doesn't have a small penis or something to that effect. I pointed this out during her whole push you away early in the relationship explanation. She couldn't say anything just sat looking at her feet crying and apologizing.

She is a liar. The stories she is tells do not make sense. And she wont talk about it now. And if I bring it up its my issue now because she apologized and hasn't done it again since.

Help her feel secure? Be patient? Be understanding? I am trying...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Look. At the end of the day you have three buckets of **** to separate and deal with on their own.

The first bucket is the stuff she has said, and apologized for, and what you need to decide is if you can accept that apology or not. 

That's on you. 

The second bucket is whatever is driving you two to have these kinds of interactions to begin with. 

That's on both of you. 

The third bucket is what is now your body self image driving you to measure your ****. I've never measured mine, nor do I feel like I need to, and my response to my wife mocking mine would be laughter the first time, going dark on her the second time, and lawyers the third time. 

At no point would I measure my **** or hit Google to see if it's too small. 

And you're going to have to work on your body self image.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> Good question.
> 
> Lots of guys try to 'trap' their wives by these kinds of conversations. And essentially put them in a spot where they have to choose between honesty and being shamed.
> 
> ...


No that conversation started because she started her period during sex one night and we had a pretty big mess. The next day we were moving and the movers showed up. The sheets on the floor looked like a murder scene. We were laughing about hiding those sheets and what the movers would think etc etc.

I made a comment that they would think she was a virgin. She said something about there being even more blood if that was the case. I stated that during my first time the blood was about the same and I could imagine the gore of more than that!

And boom goes the dynamite. She says, "well, you probably already know you are not the girthiest of guys. Followed by maybe her hymen didnt rupture all the way and sometimes it takes a few times even with.. pause...searching for words... someone bigger.

So yeah I agree kind of a weird conversation. But her comments just struck me out of the blue. Certainly nothing I tried to "bait" her into a conversation about.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> Look. At the end of the day you have three buckets of **** to separate and deal with on their own.
> 
> The first bucket is the stuff she has said, and apologized for, and what you need to decide is if you can accept that apology or not.
> 
> ...


100% right never measured my **** before either. My first reaction was laugh it off. My second was shock that she is a moron and got upset. And the third time she was pregnant and we were closing on a house so I didnt say or do anything, let it sit, and now Im pissed off. And it is lawyer time if I decide losing my house and baby are worth it.

So yeah after a good year plus of this crap rattling around in my head it had an effect. It made me doubt myself. Thoughts like wow maybe its been small the whole time and no one told you. Better get some info on this? Is it me? Why would she say that?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> And boom goes the dynamite. She says, "well, you probably already know you are not the girthiest of guys. Followed by maybe her hymen didnt rupture all the way and sometimes it takes a few times even with.. pause...searching for words... someone bigger.
> 
> 
> 
> .




I don't want to be mean, but you're not THE girthiest guy. I don't see why you keep hanging on to her words. 

She "implied" that you got a small P. You measured yourself, and it's clear that you don't. What's the issue? I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive. 

You can either divorce her or move on. You might want to work on your self esteem since it's crystal clear that your D isn't small.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

spinsterdurga said:


> You can either divorce her or move on. You might want to work on your self esteem since it's crystal clear that your D isn't small.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Leevit2f8 said:


> So I think she DID/DOES have an issue with my size. And she was just cruel about it and made me feel insufficient. When I called her on it then she feels bad and has psychobabble excuses.
> 
> Her final words on the matter are as follows. She never had an issue with my size or our sex life. She loves my penis just the way it is and wouldn't change anything. It was all her insecurity and stupidity. She loves me, our sex life, our life together and just wants to forget the whole thing. Everything is perfect, nothing was ever wrong, she made it all up because shes crazy, shes sorry, and she will never do anything like that again. Case Closed.
> 
> She gets defensive and wont talk about it now. She says the only thing I will believe now is if she says my penis is too skinny for her. And that she wont say that because it is not true. Then gets frustrated and says she cant help fix a problem with my penis or our sex life when there wasnt one in the first place.


The whole case has NOTHING to do with your penis size or whatever item of you being a man.

She wanted to hurt you on purpose for whatever reason. And what is disturbing: she has learnt to use the most villain argument to cut down a mans confidence: ridiculing his manhood.

By being hurt you failed the sh!t test...

The only thing you can do is to make it very clear to her you will not put up with *any* derogatory remarks from her ever anymore. Not in company, not in privacy.

Just walk away and spent the night elsewhere if it ever happens again, let her think, and if it happens another time, walk away forgood.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Leevit2f8 said:


> No that conversation started because she started her period during sex one night and we had a pretty big mess. The next day we were moving and the movers showed up. The sheets on the floor looked like a murder scene. We were laughing about hiding those sheets and what the movers would think etc etc.
> 
> I made a comment that they would think she was a virgin. She said something about there being even more blood if that was the case. I stated that during my first time the blood was about the same and I could imagine the gore of more than that!
> 
> ...


She was insecure about the blood.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> I don't want to be mean, but you're not THE girthiest guy. I don't see why you keep hanging on to her words.
> 
> She "implied" that you got a small P. You measured yourself, and it's clear that you don't. What's the issue? I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive.
> 
> You can either divorce her or move on. You might want to work on your self esteem since it's crystal clear that your D isn't small.


My wife is a 5'4" brunette with a curvy figure.

If I told her 3 different times that wasn't that tall, that blond or that thin, would that hurt her self esteem?

If my wife's feeling were hurt by the comments above, would people be telling her that everything's okay because she's of average height and weight and most women are brunettes?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Leevit2f8 said:


> No that conversation started because she started her period during sex one night and we had a pretty big mess. The next day we were moving and the movers showed up. The sheets on the floor looked like a murder scene. We were laughing about hiding those sheets and what the movers would think etc etc.
> 
> I made a comment that they would think she was a virgin. She said something about there being even more blood if that was the case. I stated that during my first time the blood was about the same and I could imagine the gore of more than that!
> 
> ...



The timing is telling. .... you brought up an ex and the dynamite went off.

Since you didn't answer I'll ask again: do you make it a habit to talk about exes or experiences with others? For you guys to go from having a good time to a comment like that is not normal. 

It's important to rule out a dynamic like this.

Let me share an example from my own life:

Hb and I were laughing and having a good time talking about how big my breasts are compared to other women who run as fast as I do. I said yeah, so and so (fast runner friend of mine) talks about how she'd love to have my chest. 

Good time right? It was until hb launched into a gf he had in college that had great breasts and how she was jealous of her sorority sisters and how big of beasts did she want anyway? 

Was it really necessary to share that? Granted he had a history of this kind of thing, which is why I'm ask you. 

Was it necessary to bring past partners into your good time with your wife? 

I could've easily made a nasty comment to pay him back but I think carefully before I run my mouth. .... not everyone does. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> My wife is a 5'4" brunette with a curvy figure.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




*sight* 

Last year when I was still with my horrible ex boyfriend, I was talking about how I must have gained weight since my boobs were bigger. He responded by saying that I gained A LOT of weight (which wasn't true) and he was surprised at "how fat I got". 

Was I hurt? Hell no since I KNEW that it wasn't true. I still wore the same clothes and had eyes. I went to the gym and lost the weight and more in less than 3 months. He gained more weight. 

I would tell your wife that she can either divorce you or move on. 

Why give weight to what a miserable person is saying? I don't know maybe I just have a idgaf attitude.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> Then I am in my house looking up penis stats and how to measure and using a tailor tape to measure my junk?


It's not junk. I taught my son that it's jewels, not junk and I don't want him joking about "junk." It is a body part that will bring in the next generation, so it is of great value. I think your wife has been treating it like junk, but you don't have to. It might help you to stop thinking of it in a derogatory manner. I know it's a common term, but it's not a good one.



Leevit2f8 said:


> Its just unfair. To attack something I have no control over? Someone said earlier she did it to devalue me to the point I wouldn't leave her because I would feel unlovable. Thats probably the closest thing to any explanation that makes sense.


Yes, she did something terrible. You cannot forgive someone if they didn't do anything wrong. Then forgiveness would not be necessary.



Leevit2f8 said:


> Thank you for the kind words. I just have to make a decision on if over time I can overcome the damage.


You're welcome. 
The longer you wait, the more the bitterness will eat you up. It is already eating you up. You are not going to be happy until you either forgive her and let it or if possibly if you leave her, although if you leave her, it will cause you other pain. I recommend that you forgive her and let it go.



Leevit2f8 said:


> You have to understand though. This is a woman when we had the ultrasound and found out it was a boy she said I hope he doesn't have a small penis or something to that effect. I pointed this out during her whole push you away early in the relationship explanation. She couldn't say anything just sat looking at her feet crying and apologizing.


True. And there is nothing she can do to make this better. She has done everything she can. She knows what she did was wrong, but the more you think about it, the worse it gets. You are the only one who can decide if you are going to forgive her or not.
I understand being hurt to the core. It has happened to me many times by people who are supposed to be loving and supportive of me. Some of them I have forgiven and ended the relationship with. Some of them I have forgiven and worked through the issues with them. Some of them are works in progress. But the thing about all these situations is that I chose what I'm going to do and I move forward with my life. Stewing on something does not make it better. I deepens the wound into bitterness and eats you from the inside out. It gives the other person power to continue hurting you, even if they don't want to.



Leevit2f8 said:


> She is a liar. The stories she is tells do not make sense. And she wont talk about it now. And if I bring it up its my issue now because she apologized and hasn't done it again since.


They seem to make sense to some people. Did talking about it help? If she didn't think it helped, she won't want to talk about it anymore. Do you want her to compliment your jewels? Would it help if she were to be complimentary? 



Leevit2f8 said:


> Help her feel secure? Be patient? Be understanding? I am trying...


 I think she needs to help you with that, perhaps by being more vocal about her appreciation for your lovemaking and your body.

I still think that you should consider getting her the kegel eggs. If you think that she might be lying and really does want something larger, the only explanation I can think of is that she needs to tone those muscles. Otherwise she would not have a problem with it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> It's not junk. I taught my son that it's jewels, not junk and I don't want him joking about "junk." It is a body part that will bring in the next generation, so it is of great value. I think your wife has been treating it like junk, but you don't have to. It might help you to stop thinking of it in a derogatory manner. I know it's a common term, but it's not a good one.
> 
> 
> Yes, she did something terrible. You cannot forgive someone if they didn't do anything wrong. Then forgiveness would not be necessary.
> ...


I think it may be possible for him to move past this if this was found to be part of a greater dynamic where she's lashing out.

If she really believes it then no, there is no getting past it. I'm saying it's possible she doesn't even think it but lashes out at him, which is why I'm trying to understand if he makes it a habit to talk about past experiences. Notice how they were having a nice time, he makes a comment about another woman, and she blows up? That's a particular dynamic. 

I think it's a terrible thing to say, but her motivation for doing it could help him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think it may be possible for him to move past this if this was found to be part of a greater dynamic where she's lashing out.
> 
> If she really believes it then no, there is no getting past it. I'm saying it's possible she doesn't even think it but lashes out at him, which is why I'm trying to understand if he makes it a habit to talk about past experiences. Notice how they were having a nice time, he makes a comment about another woman, and she blows up? That's a particular dynamic.
> 
> ...


Interesting point. 

@Leevit2f8, when the ultra sounds was taking place, can you think of anything you may have said that she might have gotten defensive about? With the blood on the sheets, you mentioned having sex with another woman. I'm wondering if there could be some kind of pattern. You might not remember it, but if you asked her, she likely would.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Interesting point.
> 
> @Leevit2f8, when the ultra sounds was taking place, can you think of anything you may have said that she might have gotten defensive about? With the blood on the sheets, you mentioned having sex with another woman. I'm wondering if there could be some kind of pattern. You might not remember it, but if you asked her, she likely would.


When I was pregnant with my older son my ex hb made several comments about his ex wife losing 17 pounds in her first trimester with their son. I finally blew up at him and he stopped, but note that we're divorced, my older son is 15, I'm happily remarried, and yet I still remember it.

Pregnancy is an especially emotional and vulnerable time for us. If he made comments about another woman I could see her making sh!tty comments in return.

Especially during an ultrasound! That's a time for bonding. ...a comment like that isn't normal. So she's either bat crazy or there's a bigger issue going on. When you dig you usually find its option number two.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

spinsterdurga said:


> I don't want to be mean, but you're not THE girthiest guy. I don't see why you keep hanging on to her words.
> 
> She "implied" that you got a small P. You measured yourself, and it's clear that you don't. What's the issue? I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive.
> 
> You can either divorce her or move on. You might want to work on your self esteem since it's crystal clear that your D isn't small.


Here's the thing - clearly he's not small. He now knows that, having been shamed into measuring and comparing online, etc. I don't think OP has any doubts about THAT.

But I think, just maybe, the doubt is being caused by the fact that it's hanging over his head that he is perhaps not big enough for his wife. And that's a problem. That would be a problem for anybody, big or small.

It's sad to say, but there are women out there like that, just as there are men who "require", say, big boobs. Sometimes even D cup breasts aren't big enough for some men


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

alexm said:


> Here's the thing - clearly he's not small. He now knows that, having been shamed into measuring and comparing online, etc. I don't think OP has any doubts about THAT.
> 
> But I think, just maybe, the doubt is being caused by the fact that it's hanging over his head that he is perhaps not big enough for his wife. And that's a problem. That would be a problem for anybody, big or small.
> 
> It's sad to say, but there are women out there like that, just as there are men who "require", say, big boobs. Sometimes even D cup breasts aren't big enough for some men


Agreed. There are women who are only satisfied with very large men, just as there are some women into very large toys and even fisting. It is a possibility that his wife was with someone larger before the OP and that's her thing.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TX-SC said:


> Agreed. There are women who are only satisfied with very large men, just as there are some women into very large toys and even fisting. It is a possibility that his wife was with someone larger before the OP and that's her thing.


It's still not okay to say something, obviously - we all know that.

But it's all relative. My wife has had more partners than I have, so duh, there have been bigger. It may very well be that I am in the average range for what she's seen in her life, despite being in the above average range, allegedly.

I guess my point was that OP knows he's not small, but perhaps his wife THINKS he is, relative to what she's seen or has experience with.

If you put somebody in a situation where all they've seen is 7 or 8 inch penises, and you're 6.5, then to them, that IS small.

So OP really needs to get over HIS size, especially that he now knows he's NOT small. The issue is that his wife commented on it in the first place. Whether she was doing so to knock him down a peg for her own reasons, (as in she knows he's not small but knew it would hurt him) or if she was being honest about what she thought and she actually thinks he is small - that's the issue.

Besides, I'll bet you dollars to donuts that most women have made this mistake before, at least once. It's kind of the unwritten rule that you don't tell a man he has a small penis (even if he does). I would like to think most adult women know this, but they don't always understand WHY it's such a horrible thing to say and how it can affect one's psyche. For starters, it's not changeable. If somebody says you have small boobs or a big butt - that can hurt. But that can actually be changed, and relatively easily. Hell, even having a "loose" vagina can be changed somewhat by doing kegel exercises.

And even if a woman has never actually said it out loud to their partner, they're thinking it, or they've told a friend. I don't care if somebody isn't a size queen, or generally doesn't care about the size of their partners penis - they've all commented about the small OR the big ones to somebody else. There really isn't a comparable thing about women that we men talk about, or that could embarrass a woman - really. If you can think of one, let me know.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

alexm said:


> It's still not okay to say something, obviously - we all know that.
> 
> But it's all relative. My wife has had more partners than I have, so duh, there have been bigger. It may very well be that I am in the average range for what she's seen in her life, despite being in the above average range, allegedly.
> 
> ...


Oh, I agree. I was only saying that just because he is above average doesn't mean that she can't crave a larger one. He could be 9 inches and she may want 10. Her making these kinds of comments wouldn't sit well with me either. It seems to me that she really does think he is too small. I don't buy that she was "trying to push him away". I think she wants a bigger penis.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> Oh, I agree. I was only saying that just because he is above average doesn't mean that she can't crave a larger one. He could be 9 inches and she may want 10. Her making these kinds of comments wouldn't sit well with me either. It seems to me that she really does think he is too small. I don't buy that she was "trying to push him away". I think she wants a bigger penis.


Thats exactly what I told her. That she slept around when single and found out she likes bigger equipment. Then met the man she loves but his perfectly average penis leaves something to be desired.

She made these comments either out of drunkeness, spite, or just plain stupidity. They did nothing but make me feel insufficient for her by nature. It struck at the heart of my masculinity and it was without reason or recourse.

Here are a couple more I left off the greatest hits earlier to not be redundant. But when I confronted her on the girth comment at one point she said weepily, "Why did I **** around so much, now I cant even enjoy sex with my husband". 

Or in the same talk. I suggested getting a large toy if she needs something thicker. Initially she seemed to like the idea. Then double thought it and said, "No, what if it stretches me out and I can enjoy sex with you anymore". 

I really wish I was making this **** up. Why not just get a knife and castrate me?

She knows how upset I have been about this. Her whole explanation is always that she was afraid and is still afraid I will leave her and that if she insulted my **** that if I left it wouldn't be such a rejection. She can be insecure but that's crazy town stuff.

Its been over a year since the last comment. But I am still hurt and raw about it. Her explanation doesn't fly and doesn't give me any closure. 

She says we can not fix a sexual problem because there never was one. Points out since day one she has never had issues orgasming. And just says she loves me and every part of me with all her heart.

So yeah I'm just standing here holding this suitcase of insecurity she handed me. And I have to try and trust her again but I don't believe anything she says. 

If she did this to keep me from leaving she really miscalculated. I'm not worried about my **** being too small for anyone but her. Lose her and lose the problem.

The really ****ty thing is I lose my house I just built last year and I get 17 years of child support payments on top. Plus continue to put my older two children through college on whatever is left of my salary. 

She says she will do anything to fix things. She is really worried these past few months. I play these comments back in my head some days and I get so angry with her I can barely stomach looking at her. 

I really wish there was something she could do to fix how I feel about her now. And I keep hoping time will make things better. But if anyone has suggestions I am all ears.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If my wife said that to me, I wouldn't like it.

But I certainly wouldn't divorce her over it, especially if it was obvious that she enjoyed sex with me and was just being a b1tch when she said that. I've certainly said hurtful things to friends that I have regretted ever afterwards, but I haven't lost the friendships over them, because those friends forgave me.

In other words, I think you are being overly sensitive. Maybe you should get counseling for your sensitivity on this issue.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Leevit2f8 said:


> Thats exactly what I told her. That she slept around when single and found out she likes bigger equipment. Then met the man she loves but his perfectly average penis leaves something to be desired.
> 
> She made these comments either out of drunkeness, spite, or just plain stupidity. They did nothing but make me feel insufficient for her by nature. It struck at the heart of my masculinity and it was without reason or recourse.
> 
> ...


At the end of the day, she seems to have married someone that she's not head over heels attracted to. You do the job, but obviously...

She wishes you were bigger. She just does. 

That's the deal. It's also HER deal and not YOUR deal. She knew the ticket to getting on this ride with you was that you weren't -- and would never be -- her physical ideal.

In a way that is no different than falling in love with a woman with small boobs and really wishing she had big ones.

What IS different is that it was important enough for her to bring it up and damage the marriage and your self-esteem. What that means is... I'm sorry to say...

She's actually thinking about it.

I'm going to differ from the crowd here. I was right there with @lifeistooshort thinking this was maybe a response to your behaviour. Her insecurity was making her want you to feel insecure in return.

But now I don't think so. Now I think this is no different than a man marrying a woman and then telling her that he wished her boobs were bigger.

I think she's actually telling you that she loves you but she wished your **** was bigger. And she's maybe OK with that...

But she's just OK with that.

But at the end of the day, that's HER deal. Not YOUR deal.

Your problem is that she's now made it into a marital issue.

If I were you, I probably wouldn't leave her. But what I would do is use it as an opportunity to have a very, very honest conversation with her about sex and attraction and what gets her going and why. Even if it hurts, because it's not what you are. And give the same in return.

Because at the end of the day there's lots of ways to get someone off, and lots of fantasy stuff that can happen that don't have to mean that either one of your egos take a hit.

And, BTW, there's no real thing as "stretching" and then being too loose. Vaginas are amazing things. If she could push out a kid and bounce back, she could take the girthiest **** on the planet and bounce back. If she's not feeling the "full" sensation, there's different positions, there's kegels, and there's toys.

But what she absolutely needs to commit to after that conversation 100% is to stop belittling you, and stop comparing your **** to other guys. That just ain't right, and isn't respectful.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

tech-novelist said:


> If my wife said that to me, I wouldn't like it.
> 
> But I certainly wouldn't divorce her over it, especially if it was obvious that she enjoyed sex with me and was just being a b1tch when she said that. I've certainly said hurtful things to friends that I have regretted ever afterwards, but I haven't lost the friendships over them, because those friends forgave me.
> 
> In other words, I think you are being overly sensitive. Maybe you should get counseling for your sensitivity on this issue.


My reply was going to be the same as Marduk's, above, but he beat me to it (and said it much more aptly than I ever could).

Unfortunately, it DOES seem as though OP's wife actually would prefer a larger penis. She's entitled, I suppose.

It's not often that we meet, fall in love with, and marry a person who has every little thing we WISH we could have in a partner - and this includes physical traits. If part of this woman's "ideal" husband includes a larger penis, that's her prerogative.

We've all seen more than our fair share of "my wife has put on weight, waaaa" posts here on TAM. How is this much different? (other than it being a thing people can't change without surgery). Some of the advice given is even to tell the wife you don't find her attractive any more, do something about it.

The irony is that there is so much body-shaming going on for women, even still. The second there's body-shaming against a man, though, it's a different story. I'm not saying there should be body shaming of ANY kind, regardless of gender - I'm just saying that men are so sensitive about their penises that the sky is falling if somebody doesn't tell them how magnificent it is.

So in the end, this isn't at all about OP's penis. Not one bit. He knows it's not small, and it's even larger than the average.

The problem is that it's not his wife's ideal and she really should have shut the **** up about it. She was being drunkenly honest, just as any of us men will, from time to time, make a negative comment to our wives in the name of "honesty". Except with this, there's nothing he can do about it.

If she says she'll "do anything" to fix this, OP - tell her to go have her vagina surgically tightened. The reality is that, if you are bigger than average and you're still not big enough for her, then it's HER who has the problem. A big vagina, for one.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> And, BTW, there's no real thing as "stretching" and then being too loose. Vaginas are amazing things. If she could push out a kid and bounce back, she could take the girthiest **** on the planet and bounce back. If she's not feeling the "full" sensation, there's different positions, there's kegels, and there's toys.
> 
> But what she absolutely needs to commit to after that conversation 100% is to stop belittling you, and stop comparing your **** to other guys. That just ain't right, and isn't respectful.


She did have an orgasm the first time we had sex during penetration. At the beginning of the relationship she would rave about sex and text me constantly about last night etc.

I bottom out in a lot of positions but with some care and lots of foreplay things work into place. We have had to modify a few positions but it all works out. She has an IUD now after the baby so I can feel the strings and angle better so as to not bang into her cervix.

Positions like legs up missionary are difficult without hurting her. Doggy style is much the same. But in both she is super tight, almost uncomfortably so at times.

All of her orgasms are clit based. The hard and rough gets her going but the grind is where the orgasm lives. She says penis size doesn't really matter to her because the feelings inside feel good but never result in orgasm. She has never had an orgasm from anyone's penis inside alone it has to be combined with clit stimulation.

She did early on compliment the shape of my penis. She said it hits a spot inside her while in missionary that makes her whole body go warm and tingly, like your hands falling asleep. But she says its not like an clit orgasm that builds and explodes this is more low key and stays longer. The first time this happened she made a mention about it and was shocked as it was the first time she felt that.

During oral I have tried to get a gspot orgasm with just my fingers but never quite get there. The combo of tongue and fingers is a quick winner every time though. 

She likes to be submissive and a little light bondage and spanking from time to time. Dirty talk, hair pulling, choking, and being a little rough gets her really going. She will also often makes comments about being sore the next day in a good way.

She is tight enough to nearly push out one finger with a kegel. There is no way she cant feel me properly. When I enter I can feel her insides being pushed out of the way and contracting on me. I can feel her vagina contract and squeeze like crazy when she orgasms.

That is a lot of info I know. But its what I am dealing with here. So in the end I think the big penis thing is just a domination submission thing where a little bit of pain makes it more intense. 

Or maybe she just sits around thinking about whoever Mr Big is that got away. And now she is stuck trying to make the best out of little ole me. In the end, its just a stupid problem to have.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK. If you're hurting her during sex I would struggle to understand how you're not big enough. 

Could it be a visual thing?

Are you playing into the Dom/sub stuff?


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

It's not enough for me to say for sure, but her explanation for why she did the insulting is *exactly* what people with BPD do. Something puts them in a state where they fear being abandoned, and they lash out and insult and attack the other person pre-emptively, for various reasons. Perhaps check out some BPD articles (or the book _Walking on Eggshells_) and see if any of the other signs remind you of your wife.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> OK. If you're hurting her during sex I would struggle to understand how you're not big enough.
> 
> Could it be a visual thing?
> 
> Are you playing into the Dom/sub stuff?


Its the length that is the issue with hurting her.

Visual I dont know. She seems to always like to see me naked. Maybe seeing a larger one turns her on more? I have no clue really she has never said anything in those regards. She isnt into porn or anything like that though.

She likes to be submissive but nothing over the top. Just good aggressive rough sex with some dirty talk. Sometimes I'll tie her up with one of my ties or blindfold her and instruct her on exactly how I want her to please me. Or blindfold her and tickle spank tease etc.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I wonder if women do it to impose some sort of control or to "tame" husbands?

My wife never has a compliment for me on anything that I have done for her or the family. Never a thanks or anything, and if I ask her, she lists the other 1000 things she's done for me, so in some way it cancels out in her mind.

She complains that I am noisy when I eat, she complains that my stomach is protruding (I was sick with stomach indigestion and so there was "backup") and even then I am the slimmest of all her friends husbands who are actually fat. I am the only one who runs and keeps fit. Of course, she attributes it to "her feeding me good food". She is always complaining about her life, never happy about what she has. When I make a selection of shoes for myself, she never never never says it is good. She complains that the color is wrong, or style isn't good. I had even gotten a 2nd opinion from her sister's husband and he said it was good. When I select something to wear, she says the colors don't match.

So my feeling is my wife does it to keep me on egg shells and have me always on a leash like a puppydog asking for her validation. 

So I just wore the shoes I had selected and didn't care that she disapproved. I wear whatever the F I want. She complains my hair is too long but I get it cut when I feel like. 

Your wife may be doing the same to you. Trying to hit you, take away your manhood and tame you. Beware. One of the worst things for a man is to be compared to another man and my wife has done that claiming they are more relaxed, more successful, more fun loving, more outdoorsy than I was. Now I tell her that her sister is more of a fun-gal than she is (and boy does that prick) and her friend dresses well (I don't say better than her, maybe it is implied) or praise another woman for nicely managing to juggle work, kids and house and that pisses her off. She still tries to manipulate me, but not as much. 

Like someone said, be cool and calm and tell her that she needs to exercise as her ass is getting bigger. Boom.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

truster said:


> It's not enough for me to say for sure, but her explanation for why she did the insulting is *exactly* what people with BPD do. Something puts them in a state where they fear being abandoned, and they lash out and insult and attack the other person pre-emptively, for various reasons. Perhaps check out some BPD articles (or the book _Walking on Eggshells_) and see if any of the other signs remind you of your wife.


That is interesting and I will check that out. When I think about it all these comments came at times where she felt pretty vulnerable.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Leevit2f8 said:


> Its the length that is the issue with hurting her.
> 
> Visual I dont know. She seems to always like to see me naked. Maybe seeing a larger one turns her on more? I have no clue really she has never said anything in those regards. She isnt into porn or anything like that though.
> 
> She likes to be submissive but nothing over the top. Just good aggressive rough sex with some dirty talk. Sometimes I'll tie her up with one of my ties or blindfold her and instruct her on exactly how I want her to please me. Or blindfold her and tickle spank tease etc.


Have you asked her why she has a preference for longer penisis when yours seems to hurt her sometimes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> At the end of the day, she seems to have married someone that she's not head over heels attracted to. You do the job, but obviously...
> 
> She wishes you were bigger. She just does.
> 
> ...


You might be right that she just wants bigger, I was only throwing out the suggestion because he mentioned that she blew up after his comment about sex with another woman, and it didn't seem like an appropriate comment to make to one's wife. 

And it didn't seem to occur to him that you don't make comments like that to your wife. 

To make such nasty comments about his size isn't normal, even for a woman who does want bigger. Those comments are designed to hurt, so the question becomes why. 

I'd like to point out though that he still hasn't addressed whether he talks about exes. .... it would be nice if he'd rule that out.

Something about this dynamic just seems off to me. It strikes me as a passive aggressive attempt to wound.

But maybe I'm seeing things through my own lens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> But when I confronted her on the girth comment at one point she said weepily, "Why did I **** around so much, now I cant even enjoy sex with my husband".


No wonder she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She can't stop saying stupid sh!t like that!

She' apologized, greatly regrets it and her actions back it up. Also, evidence seems to point to the sex being good.

I'd be in the same spot as you: not happy, but also not ready to divorce over it.

This sucks


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You might be right that she just wants bigger, I was only throwing out the suggestion because he mentioned that she blew up after his comment about sex with another woman, and it didn't seem like an appropriate comment to make to one's wife.
> 
> And it didn't seem to occur to him that you don't make comments like that to your wife.
> 
> ...


We dont talk about exes and never really have. My comment about another woman was about my first time 20 some years ago! 

We were laughing about hiding the sheets and what the movers must have thought. And even then my comment was the movers would think SHE was a virgin! 

It wasnt until she said something about her first time I even said anything about mine. And even then it wasnt much.

Its like the ultrasound thing someone talked about earlier. I have two boys from a previous marriage. When she got pregnant we were hoping for a girl. 

She didn't say anything in the doctors office about hoping he doesn't have a small penis. That happened at home a couple nights later while we were discussing all the great things about having a baby boy. 

It just popped up in the middle of nowhere. Like I'm saying we get to take him to baseball games etc. And she says I hope he doesn't have a little penis that would suck. Then made it pretty clear that she was concerned because of genetics. No talk of exes just fun things to do with a baby boy and KICK right in the balls for no reason!

So yeah I am at a loss.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Leevit2f8 said:


> We dont talk about exes and never really have. My comment about another woman was about my first time 20 some years ago!
> 
> We were laughing about hiding the sheets and what the movers must have thought. And even then my comment was the movers would think SHE was a virgin!
> 
> ...


Ok, thanks for clearing that up. That's just weird.....there are women who probably wish they had a little bigger but would never say something like that; we all know derogatory comments about a guy's penis are of limits. Most of us are very worried about hurting our guy's feeling so that's why a lot of women don't even speak up when they should.

Can you think of any other reason she may have wanted to passive aggressively pay you back? You need some brutal honesty.....there's a reason she did this but she won't admit it right now.

My hb used to talk about exes in insanely inappropriate ways but when confronted would just hide and apologize.....never admitted why he was doing it because he's afraid of confrontation and is probably embarrassed by it. I had to put two and two together myself.

What is the dynamic like between her and your ex wife, or mother of your boys? My husband has done some things in the past to make me feel like his ex wife's feelings matter more than mine.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

marduk said:


> Have you asked her why she has a preference for longer penisis when yours seems to hurt her sometimes?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's the thickness he's talking about. He's mentioned it a couple of times, despite his measurements coming up on the above average side.

I've said it before, I'll say it again - some women are very visual when it comes to this stuff. Some aren't. My wife couldn't give two you-know-whats about what it looks like (actually, my ex wife, neither, now that I think about it). But other women who have seen it have commented about how they like it, visually.

While the equipment clearly works for OP and his wife, perhaps she's not terribly excited by how it LOOKS. Again, that's something you keep to yourself, but all the same, she didn't.

Penises are kind of like boobs, in that some boobs are more visually appealing than others. But when you get right down to it, they simply don't make a difference one way or the other. 98% of penises are just fine for the job at hand. My ex wife had spectacular breasts when she was at a healthy weight. And that was the first place she lost weight when she became obsessed with working out. I prefer small boobs for whatever reason, but damn, those things were indescribable. Then they weren't. It didn't affect my enjoyment of sex with her in the slightest, but it DID affect my visual stimulation, for whatever that's worth.

And OF COURSE I didn't say anything to her. Duh.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

I got ya op


Part 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-vs8fwgwk0

Part 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zret7O8YoU

After you watch 

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|highlight below for big payoff
at the end Richard can't find his cellphone and he calls it and it rings from inside the nurse


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, thanks for clearing that up. That's just weird.....there are women who probably wish they had a little bigger but would never say something like that; we all know derogatory comments about a guy's penis are of limits. Most of us are very worried about hurting our guy's feeling so that's why a lot of women don't even speak up when they should.
> 
> Can you think of any other reason she may have wanted to passive aggressively pay you back? You need some brutal honesty.....there's a reason she did this but she won't admit it right now.
> 
> ...


Let me really think about what was going on during these comments? They have been spread out and none in over a year but my mistake is I stewed on the last one and now can not let it go.

The first one we just got done having sex in the morning. I was talking about some news articles written about me and a wiki page popped up. It was early in the relationship and there had been some women being a little too flirty with me the night before. And I said well the wiki page is just a stub but it is mine... She said yeah like your ****!

I didn't even really say anything I just gave a weak chuckle, looked at my penis, then and back at her. I was standing there completely nude in the hotel room. Her only response was whatever I like it obviously... It made an impression but I didn't think too much about it at the time.

The second comment and the first time I said anything was the comment with the movers and the sheets. We were recently engaged... She proposed by the way if that makes any difference. It was probably a month before we found out she was pregnant. It is possible she was insecure about if I was really committed to the relationship. I had previously stated multiple times I would never get married after my last disaster.

The third one who knows. Maybe because we were having a boy and I already had 2 boys with my ex? I am reaching here because to me there is simply no excuse for that one. I am beyond pissed about it and it is the one I simply can not let go.

She does try to bring me down when she thinks I get too much acclaim or become a little too big headed. Friends and colleagues have commented at times she comes off as jealous of me or hyper critical. Its not even like she wants the attention from people, she doesn't. It is more like she just doesn't like other people giving me a lot of attention or praise. Whether the other person or persons is male or female doesn't seem to make a difference.

I do not have much contact with my ex-wife. My oldest son is in college and is doing well developing into a man. My middle son is in high-school and stays with me most of the time. My wife has met my ex one time only. It is almost a non issue my ex is rarely ever brought up and when she is its all about what the kids need etc.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It sounds like what we Anthropologists call a Levelling Mechanism. There's a great article from back in the 1960s by Richard Borshay Lee called "Eating Christmas in the Kalahari" Your wife wouldn't perhaps be a "!Kung Bushman" would she?


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

alexm said:


> I think it's the thickness he's talking about. He's mentioned it a couple of times, despite his measurements coming up on the above average side.
> 
> I've said it before, I'll say it again - some women are very visual when it comes to this stuff. Some aren't. My wife couldn't give two you-know-whats about what it looks like (actually, my ex wife, neither, now that I think about it). But other women who have seen it have commented about how they like it, visually.
> 
> ...


You might be on to something. 

Any time I walk around in underwear she always comments... look at that butt or strut it baby etc. But if I have a morning erection and get up in underpants she goes crazy. Even before any penis comments. She would say things like Honey that is a one huge erection... is it for me??? Most times she will immediately go into oral its pretty aggressive.

Or in bed she will play with me and sit back and look at my penis while she does. And make comments like how big, hard, or long it is etc. This really turns her on and after some time wants to skip all other foreplay and needs me inside her right then. Most times she just gets on top and is always very lubricated at these times even if I haven't touched her yet.

Again this all happened before the penis comments, during, and to this day. With one exception, I told her because of her obvious disdain for the size of my genitals that I prefer she not make size comments as it just pisses me off and takes me out of the mood.

So maybe you are right she is pretty visual with it. And it might be a bigger penis would really turn her on. She is trying to make the best of it but cant hide her deep down disappointment in my dimensions.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> She does try to bring me down when she thinks I get too much acclaim or become a little too big headed. Friends and colleagues have commented at times she comes off as jealous of me or hyper critical. Its not even like she wants the attention from people, she doesn't. It is more like she just doesn't like other people giving me a lot of attention or praise. Whether the other person or persons is male or female doesn't seem to make a difference.


I think you're getting somewhere here. Would you consider marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this? It would be much better if you could resolve this issue and be happy again.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't understand why married people decide it is a great idea to discuss past partners and past sex with spouses. Nothing good comes out of this.
Men hate it when their wives say some other guy had a better peen than they do. And I am sure women hate it when their husbands say some other gal gave better beejs.

I am a boob man, and my wife has Bs and I think Cs are the best, but I won't tell her that and make her feel inadequate. I just appreciate and love what I've got. I keep openly lusting over her dainty waist and that makes her happy.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Personally I think your wife has an abnormally larger "v" than the average woman. The package you say you ave would be more than adequate for a normal size woman.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I still think you are in good shape and are letting this go too far in your mind. Your wife sees you with a morning stiffy and immediately goes down on you? She treats you good now? Stop obsessing about her dumbass comments and enjoy your life!!! 
Is your wife below average in intelligence? It sounds like that may be possible and she just has the tendency to say completely stupid things. Her self esteem problem over her intelligence level may be why she says these things and gets goofy about your success.

But who cares??? You're getting good sex, your wife is treating you good, and there's been no further **** comments.

Let it roll off your back and forget it. Most men wish their pen is was as big as yours. Chill out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think you might be onto something with the fact that you declared you weren't getting married again and she had to ask you. 

Many women feel like a guy proposing means he wanted to do it, and the fact that she has to might translate to her feeling insecure that you really wanted to marry her. 

You wanted your ex enough to ask her but not your wife. 

True you did want to marry her some because you did in fact marry her but not enough to ask her, and that could be making her insecure. You having a huge erection could be interpreted by her as you really wanting her, which is what she craves. 

How do you feel about being married to her? Maybe you could address the fact that you didn't ask her?

My hb did ask me but it was after I made clear I wasn't going to date forever and i wasn't moving in without it. 

I might feel a little insecure except that he tells me now that he has no idea why he waited so long because he loves being married to me.

Maybe you should tell her that if you'd known how much you'd love being married to her you would've been down on one knee ages ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

Just curious...why would she be so insecure about you leaving her?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think you might be onto something with the fact that you declared you weren't getting married again and she had to ask you.
> 
> *Many women feel like a guy proposing means he wanted to do it, and the fact that she has to might translate to her feeling insecure that you really wanted to marry her.
> 
> ...


Not to thread jack, but this exact argument has been used in many "wife won't do X with me but did with her ex" threads. In those threads, many women are quick to discount the idea (I have no idea if lifeistooshort is one of them). Maybe this example will ring true for more women than any other example we men have struggled to come up with. 

Now so this isn't completely off topic... OP, I would have a hard time forgetting what your wife said, but IF she's doing the things you described, there's really not much to worry about. Your wife acts like you turn her on a lot. So unless you think she's faking that it doesn't sound like you have a problem as far as not being what she wants or needs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I Don't Know said:


> Not to thread jack, but this exact argument has been used in many "wife won't do X with me but did with her ex" threads. In those threads, many women are quick to discount the idea (I have no idea if lifeistooshort is one of them). Maybe this example will ring true for more women than any other example we men have struggled to come up with.
> 
> Now so this isn't completely off topic... OP, I would have a hard time forgetting what your wife said, but IF she's doing the things you described, there's really not much to worry about. Your wife acts like you turn her on a lot. So unless you think she's faking that it doesn't sound like you have a problem as far as not being what she wants or needs.


I think that's a bit different. That thread was about specific sexual acts that she did with another guy, but won't with you.

In this context, that would be like asking him to propose to her exactly the same way he proposed to his ex.

That would just be weird.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> I think that's a bit different. That thread was about specific sexual acts that she did with another guy, but won't with you.
> 
> In this context, that would be like asking him to propose to her exactly the same way he proposed to his ex.
> 
> That would just be weird.


Yes. Or maybe along the lines of she came onto her ex hb all the time but can't be bothered for you, and when you come on to her she half heartedly goes along with it.

But you never feel like you do anything for her sexually and are looking for reassurance that you do, and sometimes you make snide hurtful remarks because you figure she's not that into you and will probably leave anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Ok, it's not exactly the same. I think it's more similar than not though. If wife won't do x act with you but does have sex with you, that could be seen as half-heartedly going along. Especially if X act was something that wasn't something she just went along with before but actually enjoyed.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

no question, she is a real *****! 

IF penis size is soooo important for her, get one of those size extender sheathes that you slide over your ****. That way you both get to enjoy sex.

it IS possible that her way of joking around is to cut you down! In SOME cultures, that is a valid way to sexually tease a mate, and considered to be very sexual and accepted. Is she from some odd culture? i am talking cultures like the yanomono indians, etc.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> And that she was scared I was going to leave her so if she said something like that to push me away when I did leave it would some how be better?
> 
> ...
> 
> To me I just think she is a liar. Bottom line is I just dont understand her whole push you away explanation. And I dont know what she could do or say to make it okay again.


It's actually simple. It's like the whole "you can't fire me because I quit!" sort of deal.

If she thought you were checking out of the relationship, she wanted to take over control of that. The best way she could think of was to insult your size.

She thought you were trying to fire her from being your wife, so she blurted out what she thought would be the best way to end things.



Leevit2f8 said:


> Or in bed she will play with me and sit back and look at my penis while she does. And make comments like how big, hard, or long it is etc. This really turns her on and after some time wants to skip all other foreplay and needs me inside her right then. *Most times she just gets on top and is always very lubricated at these times even if I haven't touched her yet.*
> 
> Again this all happened before the penis comments, during, and to this day. With one exception, I told her because of her obvious disdain for the size of my genitals that I prefer she not make size comments as it just pisses me off and takes me out of the mood.
> 
> So maybe you are right she is pretty visual with it. And it might be a bigger penis would really turn her on. She is trying to make the best of it but *cant hide her deep down disappointment in my dimensions*.


How do you reconcile these? Is it her body lying, or her words?


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> no question, she is a real *****!
> 
> IF penis size is soooo important for her, get one of those size extender sheathes that you slide over your ****. That way you both get to enjoy sex.
> 
> it IS possible that her way of joking around is to cut you down! In SOME cultures, that is a valid way to sexually tease a mate, and considered to be very sexual and accepted. Is she from some odd culture? i am talking cultures like the yanomono indians, etc.


No she isn't a yanomo indian or anything like that.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It's actually simple. It's like the whole "you can't fire me because I quit!" sort of deal.
> 
> If she thought you were checking out of the relationship, she wanted to take over control of that. The best way she could think of was to insult your size.
> 
> She thought you were trying to fire her from being your wife, so she blurted out what she thought would be the best way to end things.


I don't buy that argument. OP mentioned that she started insulting his size 6 months into the relationship. That would have been a red flag for me. From the posts I've read, it just looks like she's sexually unhappy with his size; perhaps she dated someone with an Elephant trunk and that's the only thing that will get her off. At any rate, the constant jabs at his size is completely disrespectful and unwarranted.

I had a lady that I dated for a couple of months tell me that I was "kind of small" for no apparent reason, so I ended it right there.


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## Slippin (Apr 30, 2016)

I think she's insecure and wanted to make you feel on her level. Saying this would acomplish two things in her mind, if you dont leave, it means you love her enough to accept that nastiness, and she might put seeds of doubt in your mind about yourself. Enough to make you think she's the best you'll get. 


She may not admit to feeling insecure as it is an extremely hard thing to admit that you feel you don't deserve the person you're with. That you view them as too good for you. What if you admit this and they see you're right? Or they could have a complete opposite feeling and tell you you're wonderful for them. 

I hate to admit this, but i acted out of this fear early on in my current relationship. I didn't say what she said, but other things. And we had been best friends since the time we were kids, but my insecurity still got me. I mean, how could i have known someone for 13 years (since we were 12) and know that he had seen the worst in me before we ever got together and still think he'd see me as not good enough?? He literally watched me get enaged at a family dinner (i broke that off before we ever got romantically involved,) knew all the disgusting things about me, and still found a way to be close to me as he always liked me, yet I still managed to think he'd figure out i was too **** for him. Once i realized what i was doing i stopped. I love him so much, i didn't ever want him to think low of himself again and it killed me think i fostered that out of bull**** insecurity. Anyways, it's been 9 years since that and we are great. Still **** almost everyday, and are completely comfortable with one another. 


I only told you this embarrassing stuff because i wanted to share my insight. I know it sounds convoluted but your wife probably does love you more than you know and thinks you're perfect there. This is a great opportunity to share feelings and grow stronger. I hope it works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Audrey1 (May 2, 2016)

Wow ?
Flat out mean!
I've been with a small man before but he made for it in stamina and movement, I had never come so easily like I did with him AND I would've never ever in my life said something like that. Again, really mean on her part. Very hurtful.


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## Leevit2f8 (Mar 28, 2016)

Slippin said:


> I think she's insecure and wanted to make you feel on her level. Saying this would acomplish two things in her mind, if you dont leave, it means you love her enough to accept that nastiness, and she might put seeds of doubt in your mind about yourself. Enough to make you think she's the best you'll get.
> 
> 
> She may not admit to feeling insecure as it is an extremely hard thing to admit that you feel you don't deserve the person you're with. That you view them as too good for you. What if you admit this and they see you're right? Or they could have a complete opposite feeling and tell you you're wonderful for them.
> ...


Thank you for posting. It is comforting to know someone can relate to her thinking. She was very insecure early in the relationship and probably at her most insecure when she made the most cutting comments.

There is no more sharing feelings or growing stronger however. She basically will not address the situation or if she does is highly defensive and uncomfortable. 

She says she made a mistake, apologized, and hasn't done it since. So it is my issue and I need to move past it and believe her she thinks everything is perfect. Talking about the issue any more is just me punishing her over and over. 

When we are having sex and I hear her voice in my head saying.. Why did I sleep around so much now I cant enjoy sex with you... Her apology doesn't seem to help very much.

To me its like we were walking through life together. She pulled out a gun and shot me in the leg. Now I am limping along and she says, "Come on I said I was sorry, stop limping already! I only shot you 5 or 6 times and that was ages ago. Why don't you trust me around you with a gun?"


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

That does sound frustrating. I hope you are able to forgive her and heal from the damage that she's done.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Leevit2f8 said:


> Thank you for posting. It is comforting to know someone can relate to her thinking. She was very insecure early in the relationship and probably at her most insecure when she made the most cutting comments.
> 
> There is no more sharing feelings or growing stronger however. She basically will not address the situation or if she does is highly defensive and uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


I think it is wise of you to stay on your toes with this one. Don't worry about being in a rush to heal. It's going to take the time it takes to heal. Keep your eyes open. My prediction is you are not finished hearing cutting remarks. They are just going to pop up somewhere else. Mark my words. Trust your deepest gut, its already been highly accurate and will serve you well in the future.


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## happilyMRSinYAHUSHA (Jul 14, 2014)

when she said y did she have to **** around so much now she can't enjoy u my first thought was she meant y did she **** around with her words and hurt u causing this sex problem. Ask her what she meant if it was about previous partners or her evil comments
I say stupid stuff that is easily misinterpreted all the time rly I am so offensive and never intended that type of meaning

I am sorry you r going thru this. My husband says rly mean things to me a lot of times as a way to revenge him feeling hurt and insecure. He admits he tries to say the worst most hurtful cutting thing as a self destruct mechanism. I can't say I'm totally over it more in denial probably but I do believe he loves me even if he thinks I have faults- like I'm rly very thin but have always had a big belly prob medical issue it's gotten a lot better recently even he says its normal now after I took this colon cleanser called oxypowder like no lie I lost 3 inches off my waist and have had so much better digestion and clarity and sleep even months later and I only took a little bit... but anyway back in the day after our first was born we were fighting and he said haha what's it like to have 5 pounds of meat stuck in your gut ur so disgusting or something and he knew I have had health issues and and surgery at 2 yrs old and major insecurity- and then he asks me to insult him back- LOL I refused.
Anyway maybe she rly was doing self destruct trying to hurt u and didn't mean it 



Hope u can save ur marriage!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Watch a documentary called Unhung Hero

A guy who had proposed to his GF during a UCLA game was rejected (You can youtube the rejection). And she later told him it was because he was too small. It's next to impossible IMO to stay with someone who constantly reminds you of it and then compares you to an ex who is supposedly much bigger. 

It's like a guy telling a woman she's flat chested and is too fat. It's ok, my ex was a size 2 and had size Ds but you're more than enough even though your chest is flat like an ironing board and you're a little overweight, I still love you...

Try to forgive and forget that!


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