# How you can help your spouse have an affair by Mark Merill



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Heard this on the radio last week, and then again today. Mark Merrill is the author of "The Family Minute," a little radio snippet with advice about family issues. He has good ideas about some things, but he is dead wrong about adultery.

How to Help Your Spouse Have an Affair

Article excerpt:

"So if you want to help your spouse have an affair, do the following:

*Don’t really listen.* Act like you’re listening, but continue to glance at your emails or the television while they are talking. And be sure not to feel what they feel. After they pour they’re heart out to you, just say to them “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “Why are you getting so emotional about it?…It’s no big deal.”

*Stop having intimate conversations.* When your spouse wants to talk to you about their hopes and dreams for the future, make a really good excuse as to why you can’t talk right now, like “I can’t talk right now; I need to help the kids with their homework” or “You know my favorite TV. show is coming on now. Can we talk about it later?”

*Constantly criticize, compare, and degrade.* Think of ways you can hurt and tear down your spouse with your critical or comparing words… “I asked you to do one thing for me and you didn’t do it. Can’t you do anything right?” Or, “I wish you were more like_________. He’s always doing nice things for his wife.”

*Do sports and activities only with your friends.* Be sure to schedule golf outings or tennis matches with your friends. Check with your neighbor to see if they want to go for a walk. But by no means, do those things with your spouse.

*Withhold affection and sex.* Want to catapult your mate into an affair? Then be sure only to show them affection when they’ve done what you asked them to do. And, make sure you are really well rested and “in the mood” before you make love. Oh, and if your spouse has not been behaving like you want them to behave, then cut them off at least for a while.

*Spend more time on Facebook, Twitter, and the Internet.* This is an easy way to push your spouse away. When you have a few minutes after the kids go to bed, pull out your laptop and spend an hour or so posting, tweeting, and surfing. Maybe even take your smartphone or iPad to bed with you.
*
Invest all of your time and energy in your kids.* Say to your spouse, “Look, the kids come first.” Then, be sure that your universe revolves around your children. If your kids need you to clean their uniform or make their dinner, your spouse will just have to wait. There is just no time for dates with your mate during this season of life. Maybe one day…"

The things he lists certainly do not help strengthen a marriage, but they do not cause or "help" a spouse have an affair. The choice to step outside the marriage is a choice. 

He basically blames the BS for the WS's choice to cheat, while giving the WS excuses.

Wonderful spouses get cheated on, and then there are people who are in terrible marriages who choose not to cheat.

The worst thing about it is that he is on the radio, spewing his blather, as if it is the ultimate truth and he is the expert.

I hope he finds this thread, reads it and rethinks his ignorant article and radio show about the BS causing the adultery.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I didn't hear his show, but from what you say he said how to HELP your spouse have an affair, not how to CAUSE your spouse to have an affair.

I agree with you -- everyone who has an affair is responsible for their own actions and nothing your spouse can do should be able to cause you to do that. This is absolutely true: "Wonderful spouses get cheated on, and then there are people who are in terrible marriages who choose not to cheat."

However, the things he listed are all things that can make your spouse fall out of love with you, and feel unloved by you, so I think they definitely can "help" your spouse have an affair. I'm sure it's much easier to rationalize cheating if your spouse treats you the way described below.

As for him spewing his blather like it's the ultimate truth -- that's what radio personalities do...



IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Heard this on the radio last week, and then again today. Mark Merrill is the author of "The Family Minute," a little radio snippet with advice about family issues. He has good ideas about some things, but he is dead wrong about adultery.
> 
> How to Help Your Spouse Have an Affair
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once a spouse makes up their mind they want to be with someone else, there's nothing that can be done.
There's no amount of niceness, listening, time spending, etc. that one can do to stop the affair, OR "help" it. 

Yeah, not doing the things he mentions are important in keeping the love going; but the lack of character, selfishness, and conscience required for cheating to occur was present regardless of what the betrayed spouse did or didn't do.

The mindset that one can prevent cheating may be a flawed train of thought. There's always going to be troubles and trials and thinking one's spouse is not making one feel loved in every marriage at one time or another. Betrayed spouses are already thinking "I coulda done this or that, I wish I had not done this or that--maybe this is my fault".... This article just makes it worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually I think he chose the wrong title.

How to make your spouse leave you would have worked as a title. Probably would have fitted better, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

The title is stupid. Probably a stunt to catch people's interests. 

But he has a point, some people feel neglected a lot of time, their spouse is oblivious to their needs. If they try to fix these things and nothing else changes an affair might happen. 

But people cheat for different reasons, some are just horny & selfish, some are lonely and neglected. 
They're often lazy to communicate & would rather run into the arms of another rather than fix things at home. 

Cheating is definitely wrong but understanding why it happens is perhaps a good thing. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think he is right.

I am sure he is painful for a BS to hear, though.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> The things he lists certainly do not help strengthen a marriage, but they do not cause or "help" a spouse have an affair. The choice to step outside the marriage is a choice.


It's a choice, but he's also _right_ about some things.

How? Well, if you make it _easier_ for your spouse to make a bad choice, essentially motivating them to get their needs met elsewhere because you won't, then you need to take responsibility for that. You say it yourself: "do not help strengthen a marriage," or, weaken it. Often, if you're a bad spouse, they're not going to be a good spouse. As we all know, cheating isn't rare, so it's a pretty normal response to a poor marriage. Of course it doesn't excuse the cheating or make them cheat - it's just easier.

This isn't the politically correct view, but it's the truth, even if most don't want to acknowledge it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I think what is the most bothering is the title. Perhaps he was trying to be sarcastic?

I disagree that all adultery is caused even by the things listed. Sometimes a spouse feels loved, but gets selfish and stupid. We've read enough of those stories here. "I love my spouse and have done the worst thing in my life by having a ONS, (or EA, or PA with a co-worker who turned out to be a total azz) and now my spouse wants nothing to do with me. How do I get my wonderful, perfect spouse back? How do I get him/her to believe me and trust me?"

If Mark Merill wants to create a list to show all the different reasons a spouse cheats, it needs to be longer, and not only cover BS failures. His title and list makes it seem that the cheating spouse is a mindless victim and has no other recourse but to cheat.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Heard this on the radio last week, and then again today. Mark Merrill is the author of "The Family Minute," a little radio snippet with advice about family issues. He has good ideas about some things, but he is dead wrong about adultery.
> 
> How to Help Your Spouse Have an Affair
> 
> ...


the author obviously used sarcasm in creating the title... come on guys!

I think it is a brilliant article, perhaps the author should have chosen a better title, but the information he wanted to convey is on point.
Make time for your spouse, show them they are a priority in life, conquer TOGETHER.

EDIT: before you all get butt hurt, he did not say "All" cheaters cheat because of this. Many spouses (cheaters) just lack empathy and are selfish...ultimately, that is what *ALL* boils down to...


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