# I feel like he pulled the plug



## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Hey all... I gotta vent, get this out, get some feedback. I posted before about the problems in my marriage. To be honest, I have been feeling like this marriage was being held together on life support, problem is that this weekend, I feel my husband singlehandedly pulled the plug. Here is what happened.

We had gone down to the city where I used to live to visit my mom for Thanksgiving. During this time we visited my old church. The children's church was practicing for their kids children play. My husbands daughters were involved in the practice that Sunday. After church they stated they could be in the play. Having been involved in children's church for years there, I found it odd and told them they may have misunderstood but that I would check.

We returned home and I didn't give it a lot of thought. I know my husband hates going down there to my moms and so I figured with Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming up, I wasn't going to push it with adding another weekend in the mix. However, last week around tuesday or wednesday, my husband told me he would have to work the whole weekend. Based on that I then told him, well since you have to work then maybe I'll go down to my moms and maybe the girls will be able to participate in some way in the children's play. He said okay.

Well.. the week was crazy. I spent 2 days (wed. & thurs.) entirely doing some research stuff for my husband and a problem/situation he is having. Basically taking his issue and concerns upon myself and going above and beyond would could be expected of me in terms of caring and trying to resolve the matter. This caused me to fall really behind in my schoolwork that was all due on Saturday by midnight. (I am in college)

On Friday, I was still working on his matter during the day and during the early evening I said "okay I gotta set this aside and get my schoolwork done". I ended up making a pot of coffee expecting pulling an allnighter to get all my work done on time by saturday afternoon so I could head out saturday night for my moms with the girls. During a short mental break I took between assignments I went to my facebook and saw that the childrens pastor was online. She had posted something on my wall and I took the moment to ask her about the play. She stated the girls could be in it if they have been at some of the practices, but if they hadn't they may be a little lost as to the hand movements for the songs.

As I said, having been involved with children's church and the plays for years I knew what she meant. So I said to her "they only went to one practice so I think its best they sit this one out, maybe they can be in it next year when I can take them down for more of the practices". It was left at that and I went back to my schoolwork. I did pull an allnighter, my husband was sleeping. In the morning he got up and left for work and I continued doing my school work. I finished at around 6pm and went to take a shower and pack to leave. My husband was not home from work yet. Close to 7pm I was now ready to leave and my husband had just come home. I loaded up the car and left about 15 minutes after he got home. 

Flash forward to Sunday, at around 6:30pm he calls me and asks me what I am doing. I told him I was on my way back to my moms house to get our bags and would be heading home and then I asked him what he was doing. He said "sitting here waiting" and there was an attitude tone to that. I said... "okay ummm were you expecting me to have been home already" he said "yes" again with an attitude and tone. So I said... "okay well I didn't realize I had a time schedule here, whatever, I'll get to my moms, get our bags and head right out" and with that we hung up.

About 20 minutes or so later he texts me to ask "were the girls at least in the play"... I texted back "why at least and no because they had only been in one practice and it was best they didn't so not to mess up but they still enjoyed watching it".... well the texting argument went on for nearly an hour but to make it short basically he started accusing me of lying, of going down to my moms under false pretenses because he understood the whole purpose of us going down was for the girls to be in the play and that I lied to him by omitting the truth and that he found out I knew beforehand that they would not be in the play because he saw it on my facebook.

I tried to tell him that I did not lie. That I never said they were definitely going to be in the play, that I always held to maybe, and that it was only around midnight friday that I spoke to the children's pastor and I decided it was best they not be in the play. That I had spoken to the girls about it and that they were okay with it and still wanted to go to watch the play. I told him I didn't have to lie to go down to my old hometown and visit my family and old church. He went on and on about how I was a liar and was deceptive. I told him if I wanted to lie I wouldn't have posted anything on facebook which you are on 24/7 basically and could see it at any time. It simply slipped my mind to mention they would not be in it because I didn't even think it was a big deal and I had tons of stress on me trying to catch up and get all my schoolwork in on time since I lost so much time working on the matter that I was working on for you.

He continued going off on me about it and I told him I was finding him highly offensive. He told me my lying and his having to find out the truth on facebook was bulls*** and I told him no this conversation and your accusations are bulls***. He then went on and took it further and said "I wonder how many other truths you have omitted to tell me about your trips to your mother".... insinuating God only knows what but you can all imagine what I believe he is insinuating considering his ex-wife cheated on him. I cannot begin to express how offended and insulted I felt and how angry I became at his insinuation and accusations.

I texted him back and said "you are beyond words right now and I am just going to shut up before I say something YOU are going to regret, frankly this BS is not worth my time and effort nor the aggravation I am feeling right now, I am driving on the highway with the kids in the car and this BS is not worth risking our lives over"... He then sent me a response saying "oh I'm gonna regret HA" I texted back saying "yeah" and he texted saying "nice threat" ... My last response was "I don't make threats but you surely do love pushing someone to the point where they will decide to make a choice and what you consider now to be a threat becomes your reality... I'm done, believe what you want. GOODBYE."

His last response to me on that was "Fine. I will. That you lied and could careless".

This was all on Sunday night. Yesterday he went to chat with me on facebook I ignored him. He texted me. I ignored him. I have slept on the couch for the past 2 nights. He places on his facebook status that he doesn't like being ignored... well guess what I don't like being treated like s***. I don't like being accused of lying and God knows what else. I don't like feeling used. I don't like feeling like my feelings, opinions, views, desires, needs, don't matter. I don't like how he speaks to me. I don't like his nastyness. I don't like his rudeness. I don't like his arrogance. I don't like his pridefulness. I don't like his criticism. I don't like his BS attitude. His being ignored... ohhh well seems he still has the better end of the freaking deal.


Therefore.. yeah... I'm feeling that the plug on the life support system that was holding this marriage together has been pulled and this marriage is now dead. I have put up with a whole lot of BS. I have put up with a whole lot of emotional and psychological abuse. I have put up with alot of criticism and judgment from him. I have put up with so many things about my life and my children's life having to change to please him. I have had to put up with everyone making an effort to accomodate him and compromise for his sake while getting nothing in return. I have had to put up with the fact that my being in his life has made his life 150% easier while he has offered nothing to me and his presence in my life has done nothing but add more stress and responsibilities to what I already had. He doesn't alleviate any of my responsibilities. Not financially, not emotionally. So yeah I have put up with a lot of BS. Right now I feel that his accusation of me lying and his insinuating God knows what with his further accusations is the straw that broke the camels back. I could look the other way on a lot of things but not his questioning my integrity, my morals, my values... NOOOOO.... right now I feel like SCR** HIM!!!!!!!!

Feed back please !!! Am I over reacting, under reacting. 

Any suggestions as to what I should say to him if/when we exchange some words. My plan is telling him "yes I'm sleeping on the couch because you disgust me and I have no desire to even lay down next to you and I have absolutely nothing to say to you whatsoever unless we are sitting in front of a marriage counselor, that would be the only way I will exchange a word with you on our problems and if that is not good enough for you, you once said any problem you can throw money at is not a problem at all, so go throw some money at an attorney so we can be divorced and I will no longer be your freaking problem since I'm a liar and fail in so many other ways in your opinion".

I need support. I feel I am right in being so aggravated, hurt, etc... but it helps to hear it from others too if they agree.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think the litmus test is pretty easy. When the thought of being alone is more appealing, healthy, and beneficial to the thought of staying in a bad relationship, it's time to check out.

What are you conflicted about? Sounds like you are looking for validation.

_NONE_ of this behavior was evidenced during your courtship? Or were you simply more willing to overlook it?

Based upon what you have presented, and yes, it's only your half of what has occurred, but I just don't see any longterm upside here.

The only point in trying to get him to 'see' how his behavior impacts you, is if you want to stay and work it out. If that isn't the case, what's the point of trying to engage him at all?

This all seems too new, and way to weird to invest a tremendous amount of effort in fixing it. Your kids don't need to see you being abused. They need to see you standing up for yourself and being strong. Both of which you know you can already do.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I think the litmus test is pretty easy. When the thought of being alone is more appealing, healthy, and beneficial to the thought of staying in a bad relationship, it's time to check out.


I think this is the place I have slowly been reaching. I think of my life before my husband and yes I was alone in terms of not having a man in my life, but I had my children, and I was happy. I didn't "need" a man in my life, though having one I thought would be nice.

Throughout the course of the year and half that we have been married I have had many instances of thinking to myself, and even vocalizing even to him, that I should have just stayed single. That I didn't get married for this.



Deejo said:


> What are you conflicted about? Sounds like you are looking for validation.


Perhaps in some way. I don't know. I'm Christian and honestly take marriage seriously. I think he uses this to his advantage. He knows I don't necessarily agree with divorce and that I believe that people divorce all too easily. Before we married we discussed the grounds for divorce that being... cheating, doing something to my kids, and hit me. Well, he rides the line on those things.

While he hasn't physically cheated on me, I do consider his viewing pornography (something while dating he told me he was totally against) and his continuing conversations with an ex-girlfriend behind my back (however innocent the conversations are - which I have viewed from looking on his computer) to be riding the line. While he hasn't physically done anything to my children to hurt them, he has created much stress around them and has at times made them feel like crap with his words and making them feel uncomfortable as if walking on egg shells to not piss him off. While he hasn't abused me by hitting me, the wounds left by emotional and verbal abuse that he constantly throws at me is just as bad if not worse.

I guess in some ways I am looking for some validation that I have a right to feel as I am feeling and not that I am simply making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't know if you read my other post... but honestly, it all just touches the tip of the iceberg. If I wrote everything out, all the things that have occurred, have been said, it would make a novel.

Like how he threw a checkbook at me once when he was pissed off that I was talking to my mom about something I had to pay and she had (prior to my getting married) said she would pay it for me and it hit me on the face, he claims he meant it to land on the bed next to me.

Like how he constantly criticizes my son who is 20 a full time student, and criticizes me for not forcing him to get a job, when I have always said he could stay home as long as he is either in school or working. Considering that as long as he is in school, until the age of 21, I get $700 a month child support for him and he has learning disabilities which makes school hard for him, I don't see whats to gain in forcing him to also take on a job (which he did for a bit and the stress on school was high and he almost quit school and I told him no, you quit work and finish school, that is the whole point of my getting child support extended through 21)

There are tons of things I could list, but like I said, it would make a novel.



Deejo said:


> _NONE_ of this behavior was evidenced during your courtship? Or were you simply more willing to overlook it?{/quote]
> 
> No honestly, none of this behavior was evidenced during courtship. I swear it is like dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. Even my kids say he is nothing like when we dated. My kids were not little, I mean my son was 18 and my daughter was 15 when I met him and they both loved him. They thought he was great and loved how he was so sweet and thoughtful with me. They were so on board with this marriage that they had no problem relocating, leaving all their friends, so I could marry him. Now they feel it was a big mistake too. In fact, my daughter has on a couple occassions told me, "Mom I hate him, I hate how he treats you, can I please tell him off" and I just tell her to please stay out of it, I don't want her being disrespectful and that I'll handle it.
> 
> ...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have any great advice, I just wanted to let you know something. I think you are a strong woman, who can handle all that life throws at her, pick herself back up, dust off and get back to work on this wonderful journey of life. You are a strong woman, and as you stated above, you don't NEED a man in your life. What you need is ultimately love and caring. Best of luck to you sweetheart


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Thank you Dawn. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. Sometimes yes we may not have words of advice to give in a situation but encouragement can sometimes go so much further.

I had to fight my way to being strong. I had very low self-esteem growing up. I was in a marriage for 16 years in which I was under his thumb. I got divorced and was on my own for 3 years. I moved away from everyone and everything I knew because I needed to be on my own so I could grow and know that I could make it. That I could stand on my own 2 feet. 

I did it. I was very happy. I became strong. I am not about to allow this man to destroy all that I have worked so hard to accomplish and overcome in my life.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

That's exactly it! And if he truly, honestly loves you he wouldn't want to take away that confidence. I went to look at myself in the mirror this morning after my shower and I was sitting there asking myself if I had what I REALLY wanted in life. Fortunately my H walked in and I saw him behind me in the mirror and we both smiled. It gave me hope that I can be a strong woman and he can be a man married to a strong woman. Even after everything that has happened during my 7.5 year marriage, I have always stood up, dusted off and took care of business. Because nobody is gonna keep me down. I have kids, and they are what makes me realize I have to be strong. 

If you are finding that you HAVE to be strong all the time, then I ask this of you: When can you let your guard down and find solace in something? You should have a safe place. Mine is in the arms of my husband when we are lying in bed. I can share everything with him and he with me without fear of being seen as weak. Do you have that place?


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

No Dawn I do not have that. Quite the contrary. I feel my guard is always up with my husband. He proudly proclaims having no empathy or compassion towards people. Sadly, that includes me. I have come to this place of feeling guarded with my emotions and what is going on inside me because of the multiple times I have gone to share with him and have walked away with him making me feel stupid for what I feel, wrong in some way, or any other number of things. 

The point is I can't trust him with my emotions, with my deep innermost thoughts. I can't trust him with my fears. He dismisses them all. They are not important. They are trivial. And worse yet, he at times will even use things I share with him in vulnerability as ammunition against me in future arguments.

Hence, no my heart does not feel protected by him. My emotions do not feel protected by him. I do not trust him to take care of my heart. When I need to put my guard down, to find solace, I find it either in God, myself, my mother, or my best friend of 28 years. I do not find it in my husband, nor do I ever even bother seeking it there anymore. Should I slip and do so, I am quickly reminded why I don't turn to him with what I have going on inside me.

I am so happy you feel as you do about your husband. I wish I could. When I look in the mirror and ask that same question, "Do I have what I really want in life"... my answer would sadly be no. Yes I have some in my beautiful children, in my amazing family, in our health, etc.... but not in terms of a loving caring husband and the beautiful marriage (though normal ups and downs) that I dreamed of having. And to make matters worse, if my husband, as yours, would have walked in behind me and I catch a glimpse in the mirror of him as I asked that question... my answer would only be more concrete to no... I do not. 

My husband, the man I am living with, is not the man I fell in love with, is not the man that swept me off my feet. Is not the man I married, he is simply the man he has revealed himself to be since we got married. A man that had I seen all this prior to getting married, I would have run as fast as I could to get away and never would have married him.

Can that man ever come back.... Honestly, I don't know. I don't know because I honestly am questioning if he ever truly existed or if it was just a facade to gain the ultimate goal he had, getting me to marry him... adding for himself financial help for the home, someone to raise his children, and sex without the stigma of being outside of a marriage.

Its sad... but this is as honest as I can be about how I am feeling.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

I am going to post the argument on text that the initial post up top was about. I transferred it to a word document. Also after is our conversation on text this morning. Mind you, the one this morning is after not speaking to each other at all since sunday nights argument and my sleeping on the couch for 3 nights by choice. I guess I am posting it because if you all feel to read and comment I'd like your feed back in the sense of... do you see why I am upset? do you see him caring about how I feel, how he's caused me to feel? can you see his avoidance of the counseling issue? and can you see how he tries to change it up to be about me or make me as guilty as him instead of just holding himself responsible and committing to making a change?

Here is the text arguments: P is my husband. M is me.

This was Sunday Night:

P: Did they get to be in the play at least

M: Why at least? And no they didn’t because they were only at 1 practice

P: That was the pretense of going but it seems you knew before game that they would not be able to

M: Um pretense? They knew already after I had spoken to the children's pastor and they still wanted to watch it. And they were fine, don’t even want to leave now.

P: I don’t like being lied to

M: Lied to? I didn’t lie! I have no reason to lie. I even said maybe they would be able to and never said absolutely they were. I don’t like being accused of lying

P: That was the reason I understood for going so I see it as lying

M: Whatever. Believe what you want. You will anyways. I didn’t lie. You had to work, so I brought them to watch it and spend time with family. Which they did and enjoyed.

P: You knew before hand that they would not be in it and never told me that. I find out on your Facebook profile today

M: I never even said they would be in it. I said they might be able to be in it. Speaking to the children's pastor I felt it best they not, so not to mess up. IF I wanted to lie it wouldn’t be on my Facebook. I gotta go. This is highly offensive and I am wasting my time. I gotta go.

P: I see omitting the truth as lie

P: You never told me. You left me with the false impression they would be in it and that was the whole reason for going

M: Whatever Phil. So I was busy trying to solve your issues with T*** and catching up on school failed to mention something I posted publically and now I am a liar.

P: As usual I am wrong for feeling deceived and you did nothing to cause it

M: Don’t even talk to me about deception. It was on my Facebook since whenever I posted that. I am done. You freaking calling me a liar. I don’t have to lie to come here. Never have. Never will. Think whatever the hell you want. I am just a liar to you. What a freaking joke.

P: So I have to go in onto your Facebook to know the truth that is bs

M: No this whole conversation is bs. Your accusation is bs. I am freaking done. Think whatever the hell you want to think.

P: Fine I will. That I was lied to.

P: And you could care less

P: Guess “I am sorry I should have told you” is not in your vocabulary

M: Guess an “oh okay, you didn’t mention that to me” is not in yours. You just flat out accused me of lying. I didn’t lie so I have nothing to apologize for. Amazing the standards and expectations you hold on everyone else except yourself. When it comes to you excuses justify.

P: Ok so omitting truths is not lying. I’ll remember that.

M: Whatever. You love twisting things around. Go back and read the text and what I was busy doing all this week for YOU. I’m driving and frankly this bs conversation and your bs accusations are not worth the aggravation that I am feeling at how offensive you are and risk our lives. GOODBYE.

P: You spent two days fixing the computer. Don’t say it was all for me. Makes me wonder how many other facts were omitted about your trips to Miami

(NOTE: He tries to dismiss what I am saying as irrelevant, trying to make himself the victim or right giving no validity to what I said. For the record… the 2 days he speaks of where I spent them working on fixing my computer was the week before Nov. 29th – Dec. 5th. I spent Dec. 2nd and 3rd doing this and it can be verified through the computer repair forum where I am a member. They were helping me clean up my computer because it was acting up and going slow. Being a forum, yes it took 2 days but didn’t keep me from getting work done that week because I did it while waiting for replies from those helping me. This school week of Dec 6 – Dec 12, however, is when I spent 2 days on the phone and computer researching county courts in Georgia for information on T*** for him, which I found plenty of and where I got NO schoolwork done for those 2 days.)

M: Are you kidding me. Are you f****** kidding me. You are beyond words at this point. I am gonna shut my mouth before I say something that YOU are gonna regret.

P: Oh I am gonna regret HA

M: yeah

P: Oh nice threats

M: I don’t make threats, but you sure do love pushing someone to a point that something you are taking as a threat may become a reality cause frankly I am tired of all the bs and your enjoyment of picking fights and making everything an issue. There’s a lot that I could do the same with and I don’t.

P: Guess I learned that I have to check Facebook to know the facts

At this point I totally stopped responding. This was all on Sunday night and I have not spoken to him since then. I have now slept on the couch for the past 3 nights by choice....



This is now today's text conversation:


P: Are you ready to talk

M: I have nothing to say unless in counseling. You crossed one line too many, have gone way too far. I am done, will not engage in yet another argument with you.

P: Not an argument just talk

M: Doesn't exist with you. Hasn't since God knows when. History speaks for itself so no thank you. I already know what you think of me. Don't need to hear more.

P: What line did I cross

M: You insulted and offended me beyond belief. I have put up with a lot of bs to now put up with being called a liar and insinuations that I have something to hide.

M: Or that I am deceptive. I have no patience for hipocrisy. I am not N*****. I have absolutely nothing more to say. I feel dead inside. Hope you are happy. Done.

P: Sorry liar was a harsh word for circustance but I did feel deceived. It was an overreaction.

M: Sorry doesn't fix everything, sure as hell not this. It was not only liar your "what else omitted from trips to miami" insinuates a heck of a lot I don't appreciate.

P: I was angry at the it was on facebook statements. I have no reason to doubt you.

M: Oh I know you don't. I haven't given you one but you did anyways because you were "angry". So I guess this makes it okay? Well I am not your anger's personal emotional punching bag

P: I am not the only one who overreacted here because me being angry your status monday was too.

M: Nice try

P: Oh it wasn't. You jumped to a conclusion without real facts that message was sent on Sat.

M: You cannot possibly compare the two. So the message you sent me for help on something was on sat night and not sun night after your accusations. Okay. Still, my facebook saying "the nerve of some people" was an honest mistake based on not noticing the date of the message since I had cleared them all before I left sat night. This is a FAR cry from your vicious, malicious, and nasty attack on my character.

P: Guess not in your eyes

P: But you still acted in anger to draw a conclusion and make a statement.

M: This is my last text. As usual you want to make it about me. Hence I have nothing further to say to you. You want to talk, we do so in counseling. I am done. BYE.

P: I am not making it about you just trying to show you we all make mistakes. I already said I overreacted and was angry and said things I did not have facts for.


I am not responding any further. Notice he continues to avoid the counseling topic. I am seeing this action on his part, his statements, similar to the man who beats up his wife/girlfriend and then says ohhhh sorry honey I was angry I didn't mean to... and expects it all to be okay. Well it's not and I have said what I have to say. I truly do feel dead inside and cold and just simply don't give a d*** anymore.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Then that is exactly it. When you look in that mirror and thank god for things in your life, he isn't one of them. Can he ever be one of them again? I dunno honey. My perception of marriage might be distorted, but I always thought that when you married you should be able to tell that person ANYTHING. You can cry to them, vent, let the guard down and just be open and from the heart. Everyone needs someone like that in your life. You have a friend and your mom, but I know what you truly want is for that person to be your husband. As most people want a spouse they can be "real" with. 

My best advice is to look at what your thankful for in your life, and then find a way so your are thankful for EVERYTHING. Does that mean a separation? Maybe. Does it mean having to reevaluate what is important to you? Definately. Seeing my husband in that mirror behind me and actually feeling secure actually shocked me. I am sure you read about his having an PA. I thought I would be disgusted. But when I had my moment of completely brutal honesty with myself, I found my answers. They may not always be the answers we want, but we get them anyway. 

If there is one solace I can offer you it is this. Look at those beautiful children. Look at yourself. You can get what you want out of this life. You know you can. Stand up straight, look in that mirror and let out an award winning smile. I can't see you, but I can see that woman in the mirror realizing she is worth more than she will ever know!


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Then that is exactly it. When you look in that mirror and thank god for things in your life, he isn't one of them. Can he ever be one of them again? I dunno honey. My perception of marriage might be distorted, but I always thought that when you married you should be able to tell that person ANYTHING. You can cry to them, vent, let the guard down and just be open and from the heart. Everyone needs someone like that in your life. You have a friend and your mom, but I know what you truly want is for that person to be your husband. As most people want a spouse they can be "real" with.



He used to be one of them. I think that is what is hurting so much right now. I've been angry. I've been resentful. I've been bitter, disappointed, etc. But under it all I am just really really hurt right now. It hurts. I am pretty damn sure what I need to do. I am working towards accepting it. No one gets married with the plan or intention to end up divorced. Sometimes though, it's what happens. 

Your view of marriage is not distorted. It's mine as well. Its all I ever wanted, its what I thought we would have. How wrong was I. How wrong. I do not feel like I am living with my best friend. I feel like I am living with a bully who is more of an enemy. He has to tear others down to feel better about himself.

We are polar opposites. I see good in people, he looks for the negative and see's no good. I hate confrontations and arguments, he loves them and thrives on them. I am far from judgmental and believe you never know what someone goes through until you walk in their shoes, he loves to judge others, and does so harshly, even when its about something he does as well, only for himself he gives excuses to justify it. Our parenting is different, I am disciplinarian involved parent who uses the concept hand of steel with a silk glove on approach, he is permissive uninvolved and only applies steel when aggravated about something so its more his venting his anger than correcting a child or guiding them.

I can't continue like this. I know that. It is just really hard to come to terms with it and finally speak and act on what is going through my mind and heart.



DawnD said:


> My best advice is to look at what your thankful for in your life, and then find a way so your are thankful for EVERYTHING. Does that mean a separation? Maybe. Does it mean having to reevaluate what is important to you? Definately. Seeing my husband in that mirror behind me and actually feeling secure actually shocked me. I am sure you read about his having an PA. I thought I would be disgusted. But when I had my moment of completely brutal honesty with myself, I found my answers. They may not always be the answers we want, but we get them anyway.


I am very thankful for my children and my family. My husband has in some ways come in between that. He has created those things of pleasure in my life to being things of stress. Where I avoid it somewhat because the walking on eggshell feeling increases whenever my mother, grandmother are here or even if my son comes back up to visit with me. It's like I'm always waiting for something to happen because without a doubt it does. It is sad that before when my mom would say she is coming up for the weekend I got excited.... now I still get excited but underneath that I feel the weight of an elephant on me and stress build up. Same thing with my son saying he is coming up to visit me. In fact he was going to surprise me one day and I found out and I can't believe I actually told my son "sweetie, you gotta let me know when you are planning to come up just so I know and can expect you" the truth was that its because I don't want to hear it from my husband that my son just showed up, or I don't want my son coming if my husband and I are in the midst of one of our big arguments. It sucks. It's not right. It's not what I am used to.



DawnD said:


> If there is one solace I can offer you it is this. Look at those beautiful children. Look at yourself. You can get what you want out of this life. You know you can. Stand up straight, look in that mirror and let out an award winning smile. I can't see you, but I can see that woman in the mirror realizing she is worth more than she will ever know!



Thank you Dawn. I can't find that smile right now. I look in the mirror and all I do is cry. I am crying right now as I am typing this. I wish being so angry about everything, about how deceiving my husband was while we were dating, about how he has turned into this person that I would never have married, about how mean, cruel, and plain nasty he has verbally been to me, about how much he has hurt me, about how little he cares about this relationship that he has ignored the problems for over a year and allowed them to escalate to this level, about how arrogant he is that he would think he can continue treating me this way and I am just gonna sit here and take it. I wish being angry about all that would make it hurt less but it doesn't, it hurts more I think and I just want to stop hurting.

I've been fighting a depression for many months now. I miss my joy. I miss smiling and feeling genuinely happy. Not the fake mask that I put on before people pretending all is okay, but to truly feel that inside me like I used to. I hate this... I truly hate it and it hurts so bad and I just want it to stop hurting at this point. I wish he cared, but he doesn't, he just cares about himself... and he continues trying to make me feel guilty..

he sent me another text saying...

It takes two people to have an argument and i love how when it comes to your additions to it you refuse to admit them and end the conversation...

He is speaking about his thing in the text this morning about my status on facebook regarding a message he sent me on Sat night asking for help on something and I thought he had sent it "after reading a message in my inbox I don't know whether to laugh or feel more insulted and offended at the nerve of some people"... Well I still stand by that.. because it stands whether his message was saturday, sunday, today, whenever...that he could ask my help and turn around and accuse me of stuff as he did, treat me as he did is still offensive and insulting.

But regardless... I swear the man is insane... I do believe I ended the conversation clearly stating that I had nothing more to say but if he wanted to talk we could do so in counseling. He refuses to address the counseling option. No he just wants to keep at me without any freaking witness or anyone to tell him what an ass he is being or point out how no... it is him that is wrong.

I'm trying to let go and not let him get to me, but he continues. The text's continue. At least I am being strong and holding my ground and not responding as I did say to him in the last text I sent him that it would be my last text. And so it has been, it is, and it will continue to be so help me God. No matter how tempted I am to respond I am not.

Thank you Dawn... yes reading your message I started to cry but it's more out of being thankful for you and your getting it.. your encouragement.. thank you


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You will find that smile again sweetheart. You really will. Its hard to see through all the emotions, but it will come back. Of course right now you feel like the bottom fell out from under you and the roof caved in simultaneously. Thats absolute heartbreak. To learn that the person we fell in love with in this world isn't quite what we thought they would be. I will be honest, for me it helps to talk to people about what happened. It helps to let out all that pent up anger and resentment that I have. And you have to get it all out honey, or it will eat you alive. Scream, Yell, Cry. ( while the kids are in school lol). But don't be taken down by this. Because WE are better than that. Will you stay with him? I dunno. Will we both come out of our situations better women? Damn straight we will!


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

So last night he comes home and I continue not speaking to him. I was watching a movie with his daughter and he walks through the door behind me (I don't even turn around to say hello). When I get up to go get dinner ready I see he placed some roses by my computer. I ignore them for a couple of hours. I had a bunch of stuff going through my head like

"Great.. I'm not good at being rude so now I have to say thanks for the flowers like I really want anything material from him"
"Flowers, how nice. I don't need freaking flowers, I need for you to respect me and treat me right. I need you to be the man you promised you were"
"Here we go again, flowers.. as if this is supposed to make it all alright"
"Typical, give me flowers and guess you expect that this makes it all better and we can just move on. Well not happening, been there, been doing that, and it hasn't led us anywhere other than to where we are now with things only getting progressively worse"
"I don't need to see you bring me flowers, I need to see that you set up a freaking appointment with a marriage counselor, something you have yet to acknowledge that we need despite my turning blue in the face repeating it like a broken record"

So I continued ignoring them, stayed away from my computer to not have to deal with it because I wasn't sure yet how to deal with it. Finally after dinner I could ignore them no longer as I am emptying out the dishwasher and placing dirty plates in there. So I grab a vase and he walks into the kitchen and I barely even look at him and said in a very dry tone of voice "thanks". He gives me this look like "is that all".

Well there was a card with the flowers and the card says this...

Real love, like real life, is never perfect and happily ever after, only happens in fairy tales. Somehow real problems always find us. Sometimes angry words are spoken. Sometimes we just get on each other's nerves. But the important thing to remember is that our love is always there, full of forgiveness and understanding, waiting for more happy times to share. Real love is powerful stuff. It doesn't need to be perfect to survive and grow. In fact, our love probably wouldn't be as strong as it is if we hadn't survived a few tough times. We'll get through this too. I love you and trust in our love.

Inside he wrote...

I am sorry for aggravating you. Doubting you. I don't know why I said those things. I have no reason to accuse you of that. I guess how I have been treated in the past creeps in and plays with my mind. I know you are not those people and I do believe in you. Please forgive me. I do appreciate all you do for me and all you do to be a family. I may not tell you or show you this but you don't know how many times I just smile on the inside because of something you say or do. Love a very sorry P******.


To be honest, if it weren't for the history. For the many cards I have received from him saying similar stuff. If it weren't for all the times that he thinks the way he talked to or treated me could get swept under the rug by a simple token of niceness, perhaps, perhaps then I could buy this. But sadly, I can't. Sadly I just feel cold inside when reading this. Sadly I feel it is nothing more than turning on the charm once again because "Oh s*** she is really pissed off this time, I really done and did it and gotta get her back in line". I can't help feeling this way.

But then some guilt is trying to creep in. I find myself asking myself "are you really being a b**** right now", "maybe he's sincere", "do you have to continue being hard now that he's appologized", "what about forgiveness, I mean he says he's sorry, can't you just forgive him, isn't that what you are supposed to do as a Christian".... Ugghhhhhhh.


I don't trust him. I don't buy this. I believe this is just another attempt to sweep this under the rug and lets move on. I'm tired of the rollercoster ride. I want off. I can't help but feel he is still trying to control everything. He wants to control the outcome of this. "I'll buy her flowers, give her a nice card, apologize, she'll accept my apology and life can go on".... well I don't want life to go on as it has been. I feel he is totally ignoring my condition to us talking and getting past this, if it is even possible, which is counseling. He has ignored my requests for counseling so many times before and I see him doing it now too.

I can't help but feel that if he truly is sorry and he truly wants to fix this then he would have set up an appointment with a marriage counselor already and not totally ignore what I said and try to go about it how "HE" wants to do it.

What do you all think. Am I wrong? Should I cave? Should I stick to my guns? Guilt is my worse enemy. I don't want to give into it again and that's what this feels it would be. I feel it is just him "hoovering" trying to suck me back into a more compliant pleasant person to be around because he doesn't like the fact that I am still not speaking to him and still sleeping on the couch. Both which I plan to continue doing.

I already told him over and over again what it is going to take to try to "fix" things. It's not flowers. It's not even a cleverly crafted card. It's getting into counseling and I feel if he really was sorry and really wanted to work on fixing this then that is the route he would take.

He knows I am not a materialistic person at all and for me it is not what you give me but how you treat me. How you make me feel. He continual dismissal of my statements of needing counseling shows no respect for my feelings, no consideration for how serious I feel the problems have become, and definitely do not make me feel like I am worth the effort. So yeah, flowers do nothing for me nor does the card. I've been down that road with him before and like I said, it serves nothing more than an apology until next time. I don't want a next time.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Also.. I know to some from the outside looking in it may appear that I am being really hard at this point and possibly even cold but trust me there has been a lot that has transpired over the past 1.5 years. 

At this point I feel that I already set boundaries and gave the conditions to work this out. I feel if I allow the flowers and cards to make it all okay then I allow him to trample over my boundaries and the conditions. Worse yet, I trample over them myself. If I won't stand my own ground and respect the boundaries and conditions that I set up for myself, then I surely cannot expect him to.

We set the bar for ourselves on what is okay and how we should be treated. I've been allowing that bar to drop further and further with each incident that has occurred over the past 1.5 years. I cannot and won't drop the bar any lower. It's time to raise it back up and remember that I am worth more than that. I deserve better. But I won't have that if I allow this to continue.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

And I think thats exactly what you should tell him. If you really were sorry and cared about me, we would be lining up a marriage counselor so we aren't going through this. The way you treat me can't be fixed with flowers and cards, it can only be fixed by changing the way you speak and interact with me. 

I know you feel like you are being cold, but you are also looking out for yourself. I look at it this way. Say you give in out of guilt. What happens the next time?? Its just perpetuating the cycle, and nothing gets fixed. Instead of a bandaid, you need stitches. Let him know you want the counselor, you can get a male counselor if he doesn't want a female counselor and that its for BOTH of you. If he still refuses then you have a whole other issue there.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

I am. For the first time since early on into our dating I am putting myself first. I am looking out for myself. It's sad that I have to feel like "me" is being lost, trampled on, and disrespected to get to this point. I feel if I don't stop this craziness right here and now, it is only a matter of time until there is nothing but a shadow of me left. I can't allow that to happen because I fought to hard to become the strong woman that I am and my children deserve a strong mother.

You asked what would happen next time... It's as you said a "perpetuating cycle". It will be the same ole, same ole. Same treatment. Same verbal attacks on me. Same feelings left for me to deal with. Same excuses from him afterward. Same apologies. Same nothing changing.

I think your "bandaid" analogy is dead on. That is all that has been done up to now, bandaids being put on as the problems are swept under the rug, I swallow the pain and try to go on like nothing happened. I can't do that this time. For some reason, I just can't. I won't.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

desparatelyseeking, I've just come on board here and read your posts in this thread. It never is a single issue that comes to a head and threaten a marriage, but this is a good example of how your H finds it difficult to communicate effectively to you. You're both very switched on but start fights easily over your husband pursuing unfair accusations against you. It appears you want a solution rather than a way out, which I applaud you for, but he MUST go to counselling with an open heart, ready to make changes, sacrifices and attitude-shifts in order to save the marriage.

All the best in this.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

One of my best friends on this earth told me when she was seeking counseling with her H, that the counselor told her "you can't put a bandaid on a gunshot wound, you need stitches". I think that applies to a lot of people when it comes to stuff like this.

I can read in your posts and I feel you slowly slipping away, trying to protect yourself from anything else he could possibly do to make it worse. Thats a defense mechanism, and you will use it until you find your solution. I usually don't recommend ultimatums ( I don't like them) but I think that it what its gonna boil down to. Either he is gonna go to MC with you, or you are gonna just meltdown and be done with him. Maybe one of the other members will have a better way then an ultimatum, I'm just not thinking of one right now.


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## spidergirl (Dec 18, 2009)

Perhaps in some way. I don't know. I'm Christian and honestly take marriage seriously. I think he uses this to his advantage. He knows I don't necessarily agree with divorce and that I believe that people divorce all too easily. Before we married we discussed the grounds for divorce that being... cheating, doing something to my kids, and hit me. Well, he rides the line on those things.

-------------

I am in the exact same situation, so I know how you feel. And you're correct, he is using it to his advantage. He knows inside that you won't leave him, which is why he's arrogant and treats you the way he does. He knows he can walk over you because you won't go ahead with what you say.

I'm in the same situation, my husband knows I care too much about my family to leave him and make a scene, so he treats me poorly. Before we got married and fought, he would be kissing my ass because then I could easily dump him, now I can't because we're married.

I also don't believe in divorce, but I believe in standing up for myself. Hun, I'm so proud of you that you stood your ground and didn't give in to his stupid argument.

What I realized in my f*cked up marriage is that 98% of the time, my husband fights with me because of his OWN insecurities. He feels he needs to bring ME down to make himself feel good. Sounds like your husband is doing the same because that argument over you being at your mom's is completely irrational! 

I don't want to tell you to stay in your marriage and suffer like I am, I think we both need to stand up for ourselves, and get these stupid men to make PERMANENT CHANGES otherwise, leave.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Weathered said:


> desparatelyseeking, I've just come on board here and read your posts in this thread. It never is a single issue that comes to a head and threaten a marriage, but this is a good example of how your H finds it difficult to communicate effectively to you.


You're right and thank you for recognizing that. If this had been a first occurrence, the perhaps overlooking it and getting past it would be so much easier. However, while I don't necessarily believe in divorce, as so many so easily do, I acknowledge that it never truly is about the smaller simple stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up. Those little nuances just tend to become magnified under so many other issues. That is what the situation is here. There has just been so many things, that this occurrence is just more than I can take. The straw that broke the camels back so to speak.



Weathered said:


> You're both very switched on but start fights easily over your husband pursuing unfair accusations against you.


Yes. Basically this is where it is at. I don't go looking for fights. I never have. In fact, quite the opposite, I am always busy trying to avoid them while also trying not to lose myself so much in compromise of what I believe. Every argument that we have had has been initiated by him. I have become very "switched on" in this aspect. It's like now, he comes to address something with me and I'm just dreading it because I know where it is going to end up. I need to share something with him and I hesitate to no ends because I just know what the outcome is going to be. Sadly, if I do share it with him, my fears, concerns, or worries about the outcome consistently gets confirmed. It really stinks to be in this position.

Whats worse is that when I am going through something, this just increases my feelings of resentment towards him because I feel like "da** I should be able to share this with him, have him help me with this, share the burden with me, but I can't. I can't depend on him, I can't trust him, all I know is that he will use this to find something else to criticize or hold over my head in another argument. I can't expect to find any compassion or understanding from him, he has no clue what those things are.



Weathered said:


> It appears you want a solution rather than a way out, which I applaud you for, but he MUST go to counselling with an open heart, ready to make changes, sacrifices and attitude-shifts in order to save the marriage.
> 
> All the best in this.


Thank you. Again right on. I have been trying to find a solution rather than just a way out. Had I wanted just a way out, trust me I had that a long time ago. However, we got married in June of 08 and it has been since at the very least Aug or Sept of 08 that I have been telling him we need marriage counseling. Back in May of 09 I went as far as saying to him, "we need marriage counseling or we are on the path to a divorce". On at least one occasion, don't remember now when it was exactly, there have been so many instances where I have felt this, but at least on one occasion I told him, "I swear I should have stayed single, this is BS and I didn't get married to you for this, had I seen this side of you while we were dating, guaranteed we would not be married right now". 

I don't know how to be more clear than I have been. Even with this occasion, I feel I have given him somewhat of an ultimatum "you want to talk, I have nothing to say until we are in front of a marriage counselor. A week has gone by and he continues to ignore this despite the fact that I have not spoken to him but for the extremely few necessities over the course of this past week and have slept on the couch every single night since. Yet, he still has not moved on the counseling thing. I checked his computer not one checking into it can be found in checking his history. Ohhhh but I can find his checking into my friends on facebook and his checking up on my son and stuff like that... but nothing in the way of counseling or how to fix your marriage.

I swear I just feel he doesn't give a darn. He would love this to be fixed.... his way which is "lets just sweep it under the rug and ignore it as everything else has been". Well not this time.

Yesterday morning he sat on the couch and asked me "do you plan on sleeping out here forever"... I shrugged my shoulder and didn't say a word. He got up and walked away. End of it. Nothing further. This morning as he is leaving for work, his moving around had already awoken me somewhat. I sense him over the couch and so I moved a bit and caught a discreet glance at what he was doing. What was that? He was going through my phone.

If only he would apply himself to getting counseling as much as he applies himself to the spying and insecurities he has, maybe, just maybe we could get somewhere but honestly.... I'm not holding my breath any longer.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

DawnD said:


> One of my best friends on this earth told me when she was seeking counseling with her H, that the counselor told her "you can't put a bandaid on a gunshot wound, you need stitches". I think that applies to a lot of people when it comes to stuff like this.


Exactly. Too many bandaids have already been put on and honestly the way that I feel is that as a result of this a severe infection has infiltrated the body (the marriage). This marriage no longer needs just stitches. In my opinion it needs major surgery to eradicate the infection and the causes of it and then yes a stitching up and time to heal. I'm not sure that he is willing or maybe even able to engage in the process.



DawnD said:


> I can read in your posts and I feel you slowly slipping away, trying to protect yourself from anything else he could possibly do to make it worse. Thats a defense mechanism, and you will use it until you find your solution. I usually don't recommend ultimatums ( I don't like them) but I think that it what its gonna boil down to. Either he is gonna go to MC with you, or you are gonna just meltdown and be done with him. Maybe one of the other members will have a better way then an ultimatum, I'm just not thinking of one right now.


I have been slipping away and right now I feel like I am completely gone in any good emotional way from this marriage. If I had to list good aspects of it. Honestly, I have none. Not a one. I do have some emotions but they are all negative, nothing positive at this point.

Defense mechanism has definitely kicked in. It's my survival at this point. I too hate ultimatums, but feel this is where we are at. I believe I have made that ultimatum clear, maybe I do need to make it a bit more clear, but I do feel I have already given it to him by saying "I have nothing further to discuss with you unless we are in front of a marriage counselor, if you want to talk set an appointment up".. I have stood my ground with this now for a week. Nothing yet on his part but his continued attempt to control the situation by handling it how he wants to rather than what I have stated already needs to be done.


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## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

spidergirl said:


> I am in the exact same situation, so I know how you feel. And you're correct, he is using it to his advantage. He knows inside that you won't leave him, which is why he's arrogant and treats you the way he does. He knows he can walk over you because you won't go ahead with what you say.


I'm sorry you are going through something similar. He (they) absolutely do use it to their advantage in the most arrogant type of way. Yes how I feel about marriage and divorce is what it is and I feel strongly about it. However, the same can be said about how I feel towards abuse. And, the bottom line is that what I have been dealing with for the past 1.5 years is emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse, at the very least cruelty. Things he doesn't really acknowledge. He recognizes physical abuse, yet will none the less blame the victim for staying or exposing themselves to such, but doesn't recognize the other forms of abuse.

He does believe that this will just somehow go away. That he can say and act however he wants and that I, as the good little christian wife, will just sit there and take it. That I won't get fed up with it and simply pack my stuff and get out. Well he needs to wake up or he will have a very shocking and sad reality hit him. I warned him of that even in the text argument where I told him that I don't make threats but that he sure does love pushing people so that what he takes as a threat becomes his reality.



spidergirl said:


> I'm in the same situation, my husband knows I care too much about my family to leave him and make a scene, so he treats me poorly. Before we got married and fought, he would be kissing my ass because then I could easily dump him, now I can't because we're married.


Exactly. He knows I care too much. Not only because of the Christian aspect and the divorce thing, but even about his little girls and not wanting them to be hurt or confused further than they have been already. Not wanting them to have to go through another divorce and losing another person in their lives when they are only 5 and 6.

I've told him that if he had shown this side of him while we were dating I would have dumped him and ran as far away from him as possible and we would not be married today. But what he is failing to see is that I have my limits. We all do. I have reached mine and right now this marriage, he, is on dangerous grounds because I truly do feel DONE with it all.



spidergirl said:


> I also don't believe in divorce, but I believe in standing up for myself. Hun, I'm so proud of you that you stood your ground and didn't give in to his stupid argument.
> 
> What I realized in my f*cked up marriage is that 98% of the time, my husband fights with me because of his OWN insecurities. He feels he needs to bring ME down to make himself feel good. Sounds like your husband is doing the same because that argument over you being at your mom's is completely irrational!
> 
> I don't want to tell you to stay in your marriage and suffer like I am, I think we both need to stand up for ourselves, and get these stupid men to make PERMANENT CHANGES otherwise, leave.


Thank you. And exactly I feel strongly about standing up for myself. God did not call me to be a doormat to or for anyone so that they can wipe their feet on me. This is all about him and his insecurities. I'm not saying I never had any but I dealt with them through the 3 years that I was divorced and on my own. I became strong and I will not allow anyone to put me back to the quiet, scared, always walking on egg shells shadow of a person I used to be.

He is irrational. He has no consistency in his standings on things other than to be arrogant and belligerent most times. I can't even tell you how many occasions I can list where I can repeat what he said and in one instance it will contradict another instance, yet its all okay with him and he'll even deny it. The bottom line is he is all about what he wants to feel, accuse of, or argue about at the moment, regardless of how little sense it is making. I am done with this craziness.


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