# He cheated, I want to make this work, but how can i get rid of the paranoia



## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

My other half of 4 years cheated on me 3 times, about 6 months ago after we had a very wobbly patch and he got very drunk. 
I love him enough, and we work together so well that i'm willing to carry on and forgive him.

But i cannot get past feeling the need to check up on him. I have never done this in the past, i've never felt the need to do this, but i cannot seem to stop myself. 
He has deleted stuff before and i think thats whats made this worse. When i first did it, there was nothing there, and i didn't feel the need to do it for ages. Then i had a wobble and i did and i could tell he had deleted things (on his mobile) and thats just made me super paranoid. 

At the moment we are having some time a part as we came to the conclusion that the only way we can get past this is for me to have a bit of time to decide what i really want. 
Its been a week since ive seen him and im 100% sure i want to be back together, but how do i dispel the paranoia?

Is there anything he can do, thats helped others?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have every right to check up on him now. R cannot work unless you DO in fact.

As for what he can do? He can, and MUST, provide you with every password for every single thing he has that's password protected. You must have access to his bank accounts, credit card statements, phone, emails, computer, tablet, EVERYthing. Unlimited and at the drop of a hat - if you ask to see his phone he must hand it to you immediately, without question, and with a smile on his face. Actually, he SHOULD be volunteering it to you also.

How long has it been since you found out?

You and he should also get tested for STD's.

If you haven't spoken to him in a week, how do you know that he's stopped the cheating? Who is the OW? Is he still in contact with her?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pleasehelp! said:


> after we had a very wobbly patch and he got very drunk.


Oh, and this? STOP. It sounds like you're making excuses for him. There IS no excuse. None. He has to own what he did, 100%.

How much grovelling has he already done?


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

A lot at the beginning but not really now. Now he is just fed up with me being paranoid about things that don't even matter. 
It happened maybe august/sept, i found out late sept. 

Im not good at remembering things, i have a very poor memory, which does make things a little difficult at times because i end up asking the same question again and again because i forget what he says. 
Or i will call him up on things and he'll say but i did tell you, don't you remember, quotes conversation which does remind me but obviously he thinks then i didn't listen/didn't believe his original answer. 
He doesnt feel i should be checking up on him, which ultimately i shouldn't- _*if*_ this hadn't happened. 

We did get checked out, it was a condition of giving it another go when i first found out. 

The being drunk was the only thing that made me consider staying with him, had he done these things whilst of sound mind then i doubt i would have. He hasn't got drunk since. 

I feel like atm, i dont believe he will cheat again, i believe him when he says that but then i still check up on him. And i know that doesnt add up.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

I think i am actually more paranoid that he will leave me, that im not good enough, that im not enough, for him and thats why it happened, than i am paranoid it will actually happen again.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

I also dont think matters are helped by my friend. She has been cheated on in the past and has a very tinted view on cheaters. I dont doubt she has been hurt and is trying to protect me, but often it feels like she has never a good thing to say and tries to put ideas into my head.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK I see a few problems here.

If he is already telling you that you need to just get over it, that is the WRONG attitude. It takes 2-5 YEARS to even begin to feel normal again after you've been cheated on. He does NOT understand what he's done if that's his attitude after only 5 months!!!

So what if you don't remember asking him questions? You have EVERY right to ask EVERY questions a hundred times if that's what you need. Again, he doesn't GET this. He should WANT to answer your questions, because THAT is how you heal. Does he not want you to really get over this? Does he just want you to bury it and pretend it never happened? Because that's what he's telling you, with that attitude.

Also, the fact you are afraid of losing him is working in HIS favor. He knows this. He will use it to his advantage, to make you do what he wants you to, which is just sweep the whole problem under the rug and pretend it never happened. The ONLY way you will ever get over this is to let him go. Be done with him. Only then can you make a CHOICE to be with him. No way should you be with him because you think you need him. you do not NEED him. You should never NEED anyone that way once you're an adult. You have GOT to be happy being you, just you, by yourself, as yourself. Only then will you be able to truly make a choice to be with someone. 

You need to read this thread. The whole thing. There is an absolute TON of info in here that you really really need. It will take hours - you need to also follow all the links and read all of them too. But I just know that if you don't follow the advice here, you will end up sad, with kids, older, unhappy, and he will just cheat again in a few years when he thinks you've forgotten. Pay special attention to The 180.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And here's something HE should read

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html#post590281


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Just as you cannot "Un-Ring a Bell" you can never trust anyone who cheats again. What someone has done once - someone will eventually do again - there is a 100% certainty that he will cheat on your again but he will be much more careful about it - you may never find out about it.

But it will happen again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Counterfit said:


> Just as you cannot "Un-Ring a Bell" you can never trust anyone who cheats again. What someone has done once - someone will eventually do again - there is a 100% certainty that he will cheat on your again but he will be much more careful about it - you may never find out about it.
> 
> But it will happen again.


Not true - there is NOT a 100% certainty that he will cheat again. It IS true that if he DOES cheat again he will be much more careful about it. It's also true that trust may never ever come back 100%.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

If i decide to leave, can i ever trust someone else 100%?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Pleasehelp! said:


> I think i am actually more paranoid that he will leave me, that im not good enough, that im not enough, for him and thats why it happened, than i am paranoid it will actually happen again.


Yes, we get that feeling when your loved one cheats on you.

But that is not correct. He cheated like my wife did, because they were selfish. I do understand about the feeling of a hole in your heart. You are good enough. 

He has to show you how he has changed so that he does not hurt you again like this. 

He should get IC to help him with his boundaries. He should have NC with the OW. And like the advice that you received already that he should be transparent to you.

Sorry you are having these pains. I hope he steps up to help you heal.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

He constantly tells me he loves me, and hes sorry. But i'm just hurting so much. 

When i spoke to him the other day, he said he doesn't want to get back together until i have given it time to properly decide what i want, because at the moment i just want him back because im missing him. He doesnt want to risk getting back together and then ruining completely what we have left and hating each other, he would rather spend some time apart properly now so i can decide what i want.
But its killing me being without him.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Pleasehelp! said:


> If i decide to leave, can i ever trust someone else 100%?


That's the catch! When someone you trusted 100% violates that trust how can you trust anyone completely again? You probably can't, not completely. That's one reason I stayed with my WW. Though I may never trust her 100% in the future at least all the cards are on the table now. She knows and I know what's at stake in the the future. There's no longer any illusion that she can get away with it again, I will find out, no doubts. She also knows just how much it hurt me, something she says she never thought about during her affair. No, I know I'll will never trust anyone fully again, so I might as give this relationship one more try. The known is always better than the unknown to me.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

HarryDoyle said:


> That's the catch! When someone you trusted 100% violates that trust how can you trust anyone completely again? You probably can't, not completely. That's one reason I stayed with my WW. Though I may never trust her 100% in the future at least all the cards are on the table now. She knows and I know what's at stake in the the future. There's no longer any illusion that she can get away with it again, I will find out, no doubts. She also knows just how much it hurt me, something she says she never thought about during her affair. No, I know I'll will never trust anyone fully again, so I might as give this relationship one more try. The known is always better than the unknown to me.


This is, exactly how i feel. 
Aside from wanting to work it out because i love him. 
I want to work it out because i love what we have, we are amazing together and always have been, there has never been any other issues, and if i can never trust someone fully again, which i dont think i can, then i want to be with the person whom otherwise makes me and my son very happy. 



I sometimes wonder what i did wrong in a previous life? I got pregnant (long story- short of it is that it was not something I planned at all, i had life plans and that wasnt it) aged 14. It was a very messy affair and its left me very damaged in many many respects. I have come a long way since then. What did i do to deserve having my world rocked, again?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Pleasehelp! said:


> My other half of 4 years cheated on me 3 times, about 6 months ago after we had a very wobbly patch and he got very drunk.
> I love him enough, and we work together so well that i'm willing to carry on and forgive him.
> 
> But i cannot get past feeling the need to check up on him. I have never done this in the past, i've never felt the need to do this, but i cannot seem to stop myself.
> ...


Considering the circumstance, he should be exstatic to be checked up on! It's not like you get to cheat and then keep secrets and doing things that are on the edge of whats ok.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Typically my response to folks going through this and you want to R then what I would say is don't separate. You already did. 

Is there any agreement about the separation? I have seen it too many times where folks are separated and the other spouse is out there cheating, because there were no rules in place.

Don't beg and don't forgive too easy or too early.

Take your time.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So what he saying is that you have to decide you want to get back with him and what that really means is that you're not allowed to be worried about his behavior or where he is or what he's doing or who he's with. In other words he's calling the shots. His idea is that getting back together means that you won't bug him anymore about his cheating in the past.

I don't think that's going to work.

I also think that he should give you everything in writing. If it's going to be somewhere then send you a text and email so that you have that document. 

He shouldn't be deleting anything from any of this device is either.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> My other half of 4 years cheated on me 3 times, about 6 months ago after we had a very wobbly patch and he got very drunk.
> I love him enough, and we work together so well that i'm willing to carry on and forgive him.
> 
> But i cannot get past feeling the need to check up on him. I have never done this in the past, i've never felt the need to do this, but i cannot seem to stop myself.
> ...



My WS and I are 18+ months out and I'm still paranoid. He is doing all the right things, I still check up on him regularly. Affairs are a deep betrayal and I don't think all of the paranoia goes away for awhile, even if your WS is doing what he should. 

I should note I'm a highly anxious person to begin with so I think paranoia will last awhile in my situation. 

My opinion only equals my .02 cents. YMMV.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

So, i spoke to him at length tonight, face to face, it didn't go as well as i had hoped but thats part my fault as well as his. I get too emotional to talk properly so we ended up going round and round in circles. So i have decided to write down everything i want to talk about with him, about us and tackle it that way.


The short of today's conversation is that he does wants to spend his life with me but he doesn't see a way to fix it unless we spend time apart so i can truly decide what i want. He thinks i must have agreed deep down with this because i wouldnt have told him on friday last that i wanted time apart, and that i am just emotional and missing him at the moment and a week is not long enough to have properly thought what i want. He doesnt want to just get back together now as he believes doing that will just result in us getting a few weeks/month down the line and falling out and then that will be the end for ever and he doesn't want to risk that. 

I dont know what to do because i want him back, and i want him back now. But i can also see some truth in what he says and maybe i am just emotional about being apart at the moment? I dont know, i feel i can't see the wood for the trees.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

TryingToRecover said:


> My WS and I are 18+ months out and I'm still paranoid. He is doing all the right things, I still check up on him regularly. Affairs are a deep betrayal and I don't think all of the paranoia goes away for awhile, even if your WS is doing what he should.
> 
> I should note I'm a highly anxious person to begin with so I think paranoia will last awhile in my situation.
> 
> My opinion only equals my .02 cents. YMMV.


I am also a paranoid person, which like you say doesnt help. I am massively insecure about myself, and have been since well before this relationship started.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Pleasehelp! said:


> So, i spoke to him at length tonight, face to face, it didn't go as well as i had hoped but thats part my fault as well as his. I get too emotional to talk properly so we ended up going round and round in circles. So i have decided to write down everything i want to talk about with him, about us and tackle it that way.
> 
> 
> The short of today's conversation is that he does wants to spend his life with me but he doesn't see a way to fix it unless we spend time apart so i can truly decide what i want. He thinks i must have agreed deep down with this because i wouldnt have told him on friday last that i wanted time apart, and that i am just emotional and missing him at the moment and a week is not long enough to have properly thought what i want. He doesnt want to just get back together now as he believes doing that will just result in us getting a few weeks/month down the line and falling out and then that will be the end for ever and he doesn't want to risk that.
> ...


Sounds like he's doing a reverse "180" on you. He cheated but now somehow he's in control. Be careful. It's fine to want him back but you don't want to be in the position of weakness. He cheated, you should be calling the shots of he wants reconciliation.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> So, i spoke to him at length tonight, face to face, it didn't go as well as i had hoped but thats part my fault as well as his. I get too emotional to talk properly so we ended up going round and round in circles. So i have decided to write down everything i want to talk about with him, about us and tackle it that way.
> 
> 
> The short of today's conversation is that he does wants to spend his life with me but he doesn't see a way to fix it unless we spend time apart so i can truly decide what i want. He thinks i must have agreed deep down with this because i wouldnt have told him on friday last that i wanted time apart, and that i am just emotional and missing him at the moment and a week is not long enough to have properly thought what i want. He doesnt want to just get
> ...


I would dig deeper about why he's insisting on separating when you now don't want to. Are you sure his affair is over and NC is in place? Is there even the smallest chance his affair gone underground? IMO he should not be dictating the terms of reconciliation.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

I have no reason to believe it has gone underground, but i guess that is always a possibility. I do believe that it is over just because of the situation in which is happened, it wasnt an affair as such, it was drunken sex. 

Whats 180?

I feel like he does a good job of making me feel better about our relationship most of the time but i have no one in my life who thinks this will work. My best friend is hell bent on convincing me he can never ever change. 

I guess it does kinda put him in control, i do believe it is just because he doesnt see how else we can make it work, because we have tried everything we can think of. Which i thought we had, but ive spent alot of time reading and thinking about ideas to make it work and he said hes happy to try again if we can make a plan to make it work instead of 'it just will'


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> I have no reason to believe it has gone underground, but i guess that is always a possibility. I do believe that it is over just because of the situation in which is happened, it wasnt an affair as such, it was drunken sex.
> 
> Whats 180?
> 
> ...


Drunken sex three times??? Same AP or three different ones? Regardless, don't blame his affairs on alcohol.... he made the choice to cheat no matter how drunk he was. Also, it doesn't make it any better nor reduce the chances of him cheating again, sober or drunk. He needs to get to the root of his problems and strongly consider knocking off the drinking altogether. At a minimum he needs IC and should not be dictating the terms of nor controlling reconciliation.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

TryingToRecover said:


> Drunken sex three times??? Same AP or three different ones? Regardless, don't blame his affairs on alcohol.... he made the choice to cheat no matter how drunk he was. Also, it doesn't make it any better nor reduce the chances of him cheating again, sober or drunk. He needs to get to the root of his problems and strongly consider knocking off the drinking altogether. At a minimum he needs IC and should not be dictating the terms of nor controlling reconciliation.


2 times with the same person when away on a group holiday- basically where they spent the entirely holiday wasted. 
The other a girl he knows, was out with his friends and again got super wasted (and it wouldnt suprise me for a second if they encouraged him- though this is no excuse).
He hasn't drunk since really, odd glass a meal times but no blow outs. 

I think that maybe counselling for both of us together and apart might be a good idea if he is as genuinely wanting this to work as he makes it sound. Unfortunately the reason i have not suggested it before now is because of the cost.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> 2 times with the same person when away on a group holiday- basically where they spent the entirely holiday wasted.
> The other a girl he knows, was out with his friends and again got super wasted (and it wouldnt suprise me for a second if they encouraged him- though this is no excuse).
> He hasn't drunk since really, odd glass a meal times but no blow outs.
> 
> I think that maybe counselling for both of us together and apart might be a good idea if he is as genuinely wanting this to work as he makes it sound. Unfortunately the reason i have not suggested it before now is because of the cost.


Counseling is cheaper than a divorce. Why was he away on a group holiday without you? Why has he felt the need to drink to excess? You don't have to answer those questions here but something which should be considered in IC/MC.

Yep, encouragement from others to cheat is no excuse.... always the cheater's choice when it comes down to it.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

We had a period of separation last year when he had a bit of a 'direction of life' wobble and it was booked with work colleagues before we got back together. I also have a son from a previous relationship which makes things like going away more difficult. I can only put the drinking down to that above, as he seem more settled and happier now and doesn't really drink again.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

I feel a lot like, i want to be with him, i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but no on else sees this is possible, and if it isnt, how will i ever see this?


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> We had a period of separation last year when he had a bit of a 'direction of life' wobble and it was booked with work colleagues before we got back together. I also have a son from a previous relationship which makes things like going away more difficult. I can only put the drinking down to that above, as he seem more settled and happier now and doesn't really drink again.


Not trying to be mean, really, but he cheated.... he didn't have a direction of life wobble. Unless you agreed to an open marriage as part of the separation terms - he cheated. 

You don't want this to be the marriage example to your son. You don't want your son growing up to think being a cheater is ok or it's acceptable to be cheated on. 

IMO, he needs to dig deeper at why he cheats and why he finds himself drinking to excess. So he seems happy now and is not drinking as much. What happens when he becomes unhappy again? Without getting to the root of his cheating and developing more mature coping skills, the chances this will happen again are pretty high.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> I feel a lot like, i want to be with him, i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but no on else sees this is possible, and if it isnt, how will i ever see this?


YOU shouldn't see reconciliation as possible unless he does the hard work to get there. IC, MC, displaying true remorse for betraying you, working on himself along with working on the marriage. Reconciliation can work but you can't rug sweep the issues. Reconciliation is not easy.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

TryingToRecover said:


> Not trying to be mean, really, but he cheated.... he didn't have a direction of life wobble. Unless you agreed to an open marriage as part of the separation terms - he cheated.
> 
> You don't want this to be the marriage example to your son. You don't want your son growing up to think being a cheater is ok or it's acceptable to be cheated on.
> 
> IMO, he needs to dig deeper at why he cheats and why he finds himself drinking to excess. So he seems happy now and is not drinking as much. What happens when he becomes unhappy again? Without getting to the root of his cheating and developing more mature coping skills, the chances this will happen again are pretty high.


I didnt mean the cheating was as a result of him having a wobble, i mean us splitting up for a period last year was a result of that, and thats when the holiday was booked, whilst apart. 

We arent married. We are young (which is a reason people tell me its fine i will get over it), had been together for 3 years when he left me for 3ish months because he didn't know what he wanted, me, his job, the idea of moving in together etc.

I just dont understand how i can move forward, because i want to be with him but no one, and very little is showing me, this is possible. I dont want to leave him. But i dont want to hurt. 



I struggle with depression and im so scared of ending up in a pit again like before


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pleasehelp! said:


> When i spoke to him the other day, he said he doesn't want to get back together until i have given it time to properly decide what i want


Translation: "I'm tired of you being such a b*tch about what I did. I separated from you cos I'm tired of it and you need to just shut the f up about it, and cos I want you to miss me so bad you'll agree to anything, including never mentioning what I did again. We will go back to normal, you will stop acting like I've done anything wrong, and if you bring it up again, I will leave you again.

Are you ready to shut up?"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in therapy?


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

He has shown remorse, does show remorse. Its just now i decided that we needed time apart, a decision i dont even understand why i made because i feel it was a mistake and i didnt even think about it, he feels like i should give it a proper go so i can decide what i truely want.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Pleasehelp! said:


> If i decide to leave, can i ever trust someone else 100%?



1. You should be saying "When I leave"......not "If I decide to leave".
2. Anyone who thinks a cheater will not cheat again is naive.
3. There are "Cheaters" - these are people who will always cheat and there are "Non-Cheaters" - these are people who will never cheat regardless of the situation. To directly answer your question........yes you can trust someone else again provided that someone is a non-cheater.

There is a 100% probability he with will cheat on you again because cheaters also cheat - it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week, or next month, or in the next year.......but he will cheat on your again sometime in the future.

Cheaters always find a reason to cheat.

So gather yourself, have respect for yourself, maintain your dignity and extract yourself from this relationship - make "being cheated on" in a relationship the instant and automatic death penalty for that relationship. Have a zero-tolerance policy for being cheated on.......and the disrespect shown towards you by this act of betrayal.

In your next relationship make that clearly known - and use this situation as an example that you mean what you say. (You Have a ZERO-TOLERANCE POLICY for being cheated on.)


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> Are you in therapy?


No. Because we cant really afford it. Im a med student and hes in a low paid job. 
If there is a chance it will help, then im all for it. Ill find the money some how.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Pleasehelp! said:


> He has shown remorse, does show remorse. Its just now i decided that we needed time apart, a decision i dont even understand why i made because i feel it was a mistake and i didnt even think about it, he feels like i should give it a proper go so i can decide what i truely want.


He should not be dictating the terms of reconciliation. However, you should consider IC to figure out why you are ok with accepting crumbs from this guy and why you want to rush back into a relationship with him. Honestly, you sound afraid to be alone.

What has he done to show true remorse over a long period of time?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pleasehelp! said:


> He has shown remorse


So you have regular access to all his electronics? He has removed all passwords? He hands them over whenever you ask for them, immediately? He scheduled a therapist for you two to go to? He has answered all questions without hesitation and without getting upset that you keep asking them? He has said that he understands it may take you a couple years to get far enough along so you can stop obsessing about it, and he is ok with that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your school should have free therapy.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> So you have regular access to all his electronics? He has removed all passwords? He hands them over whenever you ask for them, immediately? He scheduled a therapist for you two to go to? He has answered all questions without hesitation and without getting upset that you keep asking them? He has said that he understands it may take you a couple years to get far enough along so you can stop obsessing about it, and he is ok with that?


Yes, well not removed but i know them all. I cant access his phone at the moment because we are apart but otherwise i can access what i want when i want. He does answer all questions, i know he finds it frustrating that i keep asking things but ultimately he understands why i need to.
I hate being this person these events has turned me into, i know that its unlikely i will ever trust him again 100%, but does the need to check up on them get easier in time, when you see/find nothing untoward, because this is not the person i am. 

With regards to therapy. Last year i saw a counsellor though uni for my own issues relating to the depression but we are only entitled to 7 sessions and this is me only, not him or us, and i suspect that having used most of those sessions uni's provisions would not help where we need help. If counselling really can help then we will find the money some how.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

You both aren't married and he is cheating? Someone who cheats before marriage will definitely cheat after marriage. Sorry if I was too harsh. I am a pro R guy, but only when kids are involved.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you checking the phone bill to see exactly what numbers he calls and texts?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You arent married.

Just break up.

He didn't cheat because he got drunk. He wanted to cheat.

He isn't married to you. 

You guys break up.

He isn't dying to get back together.

He will probably cheat again.

He isn't that into you based on his BEHAVIOUR.

I don't know your issues. But you must have some. identify them. work on them. 

then find yourself a guy who is so into you that you won't experience bouncing back and forth relationship .

you're living without him now. and you will be able to continue to live without him. Let him go. He's not the one for you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tunera, I don't think it matters who he Is calling .


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

Well, i've left him completely. Its absolutely not what i want to do, but i don't feel like we're left with any other options. 

Maybe one day he'll grow up, and realise he's ****ed up and find someone whos enough for him, because clearly im not. 


I have not idea what so ever with how to move forward now because this really isn't what i want. I dont even know how i managed to say it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That is your new job: Find out why you would waste yourself on someone who has sex with others. 
what are your goals? 

Are you working? Going to school? 

You have at least one smart friend. 
look at the characteristics of this guy and make sure that you figure out what is so special about him that you would want to put yourself through the hell of trying to reconcile with a cheater. whatever it is is your weakness. You have to conquer that weakness. You have to fulfill for yourself what it is that you think you get from thia guy. 

are you close to your parents?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

by the way stop feeling sorry for yourself. your entire future is brighter because you are no longer with this person.

and re frame it this way. he is not enough for you. 

You want a man who is faithful and loving and kind. You want a grown up. you want someone that you can get along with and not break up with and have him run off and use drinking as an excuse to screw other women. 

so he's not enough for you. 

beyond that let's face the fact that you are not ready to be in a relationship because you are still in the process of becoming who you need to be. that person would have kicked his sorry ass to the curb the first time.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I had a boyfriend once (long before I was married). 

He was fun but didn't treat me very well and he did cheat on me. It took two years of back and forth but I finally broke up with him.

I was miserable. I didn't go out for weeks, barely made it to work, felt like a loser......

Finally, I moved on, had other boyfriends, married, kids..........

Two years ago, my old boyfriend sends me a FB message saying "hi" and wanting to chat. Surprisingly, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I was glad I made the choice I did years prior and years later, I realized what kind of a person he was.

In his Facebook message, he said he was married and had a two year old. Was he fishing?? Don't know and don't care. I deleted the message and haven't thought about it until now.

You are young, you WILL get over him. It seems impossible now, but you will.

You will look back and realize, you did the right thing by walking away. 

Stay strong and spend time with your friend.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> That is your new job: Find out why you would waste yourself on someone who has sex with others.
> what are your goals?
> 
> Are you working? Going to school?
> ...


I am close with them. Infact i live with them again since mid last year in a bid to save for a house deposit.
Im a med student, so i dont have a job as such, but i work full weeks, be a mum and study somewhere in the middle. 

I have no idea what my weakness is, or how i find it out. What is so special- i dont know? We were amazing, we had three and a half amazing years without a single problem, he always treated me well, we just worked from the get go, then something changed this time last year and its been downhill since. Problem is, i dont know what, but all i see is the good we used to have, and the good we have most of the time infact. 

Becoming a mum made me grow up fast, probably to soon, and i think ultimately hes still immature and isnt ready for the things in life that i want, and have to deal with. 

Regardless of everything, i still love him and telling him i didnt want to be with him broke my heart


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I always say most men are about 5 years behind in the maturity arena. 

You'll be fine. Focus on getting your career going.


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## Pleasehelp! (Feb 14, 2014)

turnera said:


> I always say most men are about 5 years behind in the maturity arena.
> 
> You'll be fine. Focus on getting your career going.


Based on this theory- his behaviour in many respects over the last year, now that i'm trying to look back objectively, matches his mental age. 


I dont even know what emotions to experience , one minute i'm sad, one minute i'm angry, another i'm reasonably okay. 

I feel a little like my trust in anything is shattered. He was the one person i relied on, trusted the most, and even though ive known for 5 months about it all, it bloody hurts! 

I feel like i've let my son down, i should protect him and in the end hes been hurt again. It hurt him so much when we split last year. I'm dreading telling him the man he has seen as his father for the last 4 years (not by title, just by how involved he's been) the guy he worships isn't going to be in his life anymore. Where do i even begin with this? 
Im not gonna do it yet, but its a week since he saw my ex other half and he's already asking for him.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Ask yourself - Is this paranoia telling you, "don't fool yourself, what caused this guy to cheat has not changed, nor is it ever going to change".
This is your gut talking to you. Your gut is your friend and is smarter than any other part of you.
Respond to your gut honestly and you have your answer and you will know what you need to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just reiterate to your son that you two will be great together. He'll believe it if you keep saying it.


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