# New and need advice



## Unsure1234 (Jun 10, 2009)

This is probably going to be long, but I need some advice.

I'm 28 years old and I've been married to my husband for 10 years. We have two boys ages 7 and 3. I met my husband online and he instantly showed an interest in me. My family life was not very loving (not bad either, just non-emotional), so a guy showing me some attention seemed like a really big deal. So big, in fact I moved away from my family 2500 miles to be with him and got married.

Shortly after moving here, my husband showed me his true colors. He became very controlling, angry, and sometimes physically abusive (in a sexual way, if that makes sense). He was my first relationship, so I didn't really know any different and I guess I thought it would just get better if I just "dealt with it" a little longer. I felt trapped because I couldn't go back home to my parents because I was afraid to be wrong because I didn't listen to them, and they were not happy with me leaving. I also thought that our first son would fix things and maybe make my husband mellow out a bit. This of course didn't help or else I wouldn't be here.

About 6 weeks ago, it was like one day I woke up from a fog I've been living under and decided that I didn't want to take this behavior from my husband anymore. I found myself emotionally detaching from my husband because he has threatened to leave so many times, but I think it was only because he wanted me to feel sorry for him and to make up. This time I wasn't kidding. I forget what the argument was about now, but I said something like "If we're so unhappy with each other, maybe we should get a divorce". It was the one and only time I have ever said it in our marriage. I fully expected him to walk out the door, but he didn't. Instead he did the opposite and was begging for me to give him another chance, said he wanted to die if I left him, all sorts of stuff. I gave in, just because I wanted him to stop but in the back of my mind I had a gut feeling I didn't really want to stay.

He suggested going to counseling, and called up to make an appointment. He went to two sessions where he told me she told him that "our problems aren't all that bad", etc. I started reading up on emotional abuse, because it seemed like he was always playing the victim, and I felt like he was playing mind games with me (the sobbing for attention, saying things that didn't make sense but ended up making me look like I caused them, etc.). After he went to two sessions, I told him that I wanted to speak to the counselor alone. She said it was a good idea for me to tell my side of the story.

That was last week, and I spilled my guts to her about everything. She ended up telling me that he is most definitely emotionally abusing me, he has physically abused me (up until 6 months ago), and there has been some sexual abuse. She also said that he is passive aggressive and possibly mentally unstable. He said in a joking fashion to a mutual friend "If I can't have her, no one will" which the counselor is taking very seriously. She said that at our next session (which is today) she wants to see us both to confront some things.

In the last month, it appears as if my husband seems to be doing more to help out. He has kept his anger mostly in check, he's been doing the dishes almost everyday and will do other minor chores around the house. Because I am so paranoid and confused now, I see these actions as mind games as well. It's like he's only doing them to make me hang around a little longer. I don't know what's "real" intent, of if they're more mind games.

Probably the only reason I'm asking this, but would anyone stay in this relationship? I have only a high school diploma, no job (because I'm a SAHM), 2 kids to raise and my family is so far away. I'm terrified to do things on my own because I have no idea to where to start. I'm not certain even if he changes to remove all of his bad behaviors (which the counselor said will take years of therapy), that I will even love him. I think I might have married him for the wrong reasons and got hugely tangled in a big mess.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. :scratchhead:


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Unsure,

First off you need to realize that you are human and might have made a mistake. Only your heart can tell you if you love him. If you don't, then you can't stay. It will only drive you mad. It won't be healthy for the kids if both of you are always angry. I know it would be hard to go back to your family and admit a mistake if you don't love him, but better that than to live under the roof of someone you don't love.

But if you love him, then try to let him change. It will take time and it will be hard on you and him. He might not be playing mind games at all, but really trying. I don't know. Ask your counselor her thoughts on his recent actions. If his actions continue then you know it is genuine. 

People sometimes hurt the ones they love the most without even realizing it. I know I did. Not in the way of your H - I would never do such things - but in some ways maybe worse. I just went numb. 

Keep coming here for advice. Read other stories. It helps. Good luck.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Hey Unsure...

I'm no doctor or anything but some of your hubby's issues sound like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). You can learn more about BPD at the following site. Be sure to check out their message boards too.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners


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