# Not sure if we are breaking up or not but it feels like it



## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I'm so sad right now.

I've been trying to be strong but my heart hurts. I'll try to spare those who read this a wall of text.

me (32f) and my bf(36m) have been going out for 4 years. Things sorta came to a crossroads last week when we had a huge blow out of an argument. It comes down to neither one of us communicates effectively to the other. So when there are problems nothing is said or they get spoken about and nothing is done about them or it starts an argument.

I suggested couples therapy. Because at this point that's the only thing I think is going to work if we want to stay together. we clearly aren't communicating well enough that our needs aren't be met properly.

I want nothing more than to spend my life with him. This is one of my frustrations with him. I've asked him before if he wanted to get married engaged. He says yes but only if I bring it up or get's defensive or tense about the whole conversation. I don't nag him about it but this is one of our problems. We don't live together. He says he's wants a family... maybe it's not with me.

I think if we were to go to couples therapy and worked on our communication I think that would help tremendously. Seeing this is what we always argue about. But he's deciding if that's what he wants to do or not. If it's even important... If he doesn't then we will go our separate ways. We share no mutual friends or anything so I guess in theory a split up won't be so bad? I guess... I don't know?

we are doing NC while he decides if he want's to try couples therapy. I told him to be quick about the decision cause I don't want this dragging out. 

I'll be 33 and more than likely single. I want to get married, I want a family, I want someone to get old with me, share my intrest. I want to believe so hard I'll find someone but I'm worried. I'm worried I won't find someone and I'll be alone with my forever needy cat. 

I am in therapy myself since I'm having my own issues outside of the relationship. Just really depressed about my life in general now. Nothing is really working out.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

So in the process of me trying to email some photo's of myself that were on my ipad I made the stupid mistake of sending them to my ex boyfriend or boyfriend (whatever he is now). And broke NC not even after 24hours.

Our emails are really really similar and I wasn't paying attention. It wasn't some nude pic or anything. Just some photo of me smiling but now I worry he'll take that as some sort of desperate sign or something.

Ugh. I don't want to email him to tell him it was a mistake as that may sound stupid. but it was a mistake. A stupid mistake. I removed him from my contacts and everything but I guess my gmail saved the address.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Do email him and tell him it was an honest mistake. Of course, then he will want to know who you were sending it to... And just _who_ were you sending it to?

Counseling sounds like a good idea. I hope the two of you make it that far.

For some people who don't communicate well, texting or emails help a lot.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

He ended up emailing me telling me it was a pretty photo of myself. I responded that it was a mistake and I was sending it to myself. He's seen that photo before as he has it already. 

Counseling would help a lot if he agrees to it. He likes to email and text and that's not my preferred method. So when we do talk about something important it doesn't always go well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Gumbo_Gizmo said:


> I'm so sad right now.
> 
> I've been trying to be strong but my heart hurts. I'll try to spare those who read this a wall of text.
> 
> ...


I haven't read other responses yet.

It sounds like you've chosen a man who isn't choosing you. Sorry, but you guys have completely different goals for the relationship. 

You could either surrender your values (which I don't advise) in order to keep him around, or you can walk away now. It sounds like this NC period will be good, except that you're playing games - you should be saying, "NC for XX days while you decide if you want to marry me or not." By saying NC until you decide if we see a counselor, you're opening a door for him to string you along further. Seeing a counselor is not your goal. Being married to a man who's committed to life with you is.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I don't want to tell someone what to do. He's an adult and I can't control/force what he decides. I have set my own personal time line as when I will walk away. Cause I do know I can't wait around forever. 

I much rather do the counseling first than the marriage. I don't want to be married to him , have these same issues that never got resolved and then have to go through a divorce cause it didn't work out. At least if nothing comes from counseling I can say to myself I tried and can move on knowing I gave it my best shot. And if he doesn't want to do counseling it's already been said that the relationship is over. Even then I put the effort out there and I know I tried. I don't want to look back and say maybe I should have tried harder.

I'm treating it as though it is over at this point. I do love him dearly. But If it doesn't work out then so be it. I'm just sad right now. I had hoped things would have gone differently. But I'm losing my friend and partner and I just feel sick and alone.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think.... that if couples counseling is a big issue before you get married.... then you are with the wrong person. 

I get the impression that "He's Just Not That Into You".


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

He is 36 years old, and you have been dating for 4 years. He is plenty old enough to get married and settle down. I think if he wanted to propose, it would have happened by now. I just don't think he is interested in marriage and kids, at least not with you.  I'm really sorry and I know it stings horribly. But the best thing you can do is move on so you don't end up wasting any more of your time. I would recommend the book "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others." The title is a little misleading, but it's a good read. It explains that most men who are of marrying age generally propose within 2 years of the relationship, and after that, the odds of him proposing go down significantly. I think you should move on, and with the next guy, only date him for 18-24 months max. Again, I'm really sorry. Hang in there.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

The writing was on the wall already. His last relationship lasted 7yrs and he was no closer to marrying her than he is to me. I just feel stupid I waited this long. 

I just am trying to make sense of things. Like why do that to someone? Why say you have doubt but don't say anything? If you aren't sure about a person then why not move on then? Why hold on to something you know won't last? I'm a very logical person and I like to look at the facts of things and he has done something that doesn't make sense to me. I just don't understand the reasoning. It shows a lack of caring on his part. What's the benefit/goal of just not progressing forward? Why say you want to do something and not do it? Why complain then never try to resolve it? I'm sorry I'm ranting. I have to get over that I probably won't get these answers from him. I need to stop thinking about it. 

I am sad, angry and hurt. At least we share no mutual social circles and the chances of me running into him are very small. So It should make the break even easier. I'm just trying to focus on other things now. 

I will check out that book and give it a good read. It be great if they have it for itunes. I could listen to it at work.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Gumbo_Gizmo said:


> I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I don't want to tell someone what to do. He's an adult and I can't control/force what he decides.


An ultimatum isn't forcing someone to do something or controlling. It's a request that someone takes an issue seriously, you find personally important and therefore if they care about you, so will they. 

The issue here is he thinks his luck will continue. You're both still young enough to have not hit the emergency line of FA(forever alone). He's wrong on that one. Not to say either of you will end FA but it's always a possibility.

If I was in your position I would honestly say in very concise and clear terms, I want to start a family and if you don't that's great for you. I hope you find who it is you want to spend your time with but I need to move on for myself then. 

Simple, clean and without overly emotional response. I would bet 10 to 1 that he'd at some point either during that conversation or shortly in the weeks following have a moment of clarity. The "what if" thought will cross his mind.

Again my opinion solely, I would probably cut him loose and move on. He seems like he wants to perpetuate his younger years and unfortunately for most who do so they end up single most of their lives. My wifes toxic ex friend figured this out at about 43 and she's pretty much screwed now.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

it is not a good sign that you would need counseling before marriage. it's not a good sign that he dated the prior girl for 7 years. you feel like you wasted time, but thank goodness it was 4 years and not more.

he doesn't want the same thing you want, or more like he doesn't want it with you. for whatever reason, either he can't make commitments, or he doesn't have a good feeling. 

I have a friend who stayed with his girlfriend for 7 years. it dragged on and on. we all knew it wasn't right, or wasn't meant to be. he was just never that into her, and never really seemed in love with her. 

I'm afraid that it's over. don't go crawling back to him unless he's ready to talk marriage imminently. don't waste any more time with him.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I ended it officially. I did some reflection on my part and just decided I couldn't just leave things hanging in the air. I know it's time to move on but I'm so sad about things. I really really am. I loved him dearly and my heart hurts. 

I know I'll find someone. I hope I find someone.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I just keep going over things in my mind about when, where and how they went wrong.

But the more I think about things the more I can see that they weren't really right to begin with.

Anytime I tried telling him what I wanted, needed or expressed concern it became an issue. He wouldn't yell at me but he was quick to get defensive instead of trying to resolve things. He often tell me how the relationship wasn't consistant when I would try to mention things.

I think what was happening that whenever we got into arguments. The relationship was put in some holding pattern until he felt things were good. It was being held up to some criteria of his own design that he didn't share with me. So when things weren't right he constantly re evaluated things. But that is just my thinking.

He didn't go out of his way to do the things I enjoyed. Which is go to museums, eat out at nicer places or travel. It got to the point I just stopped suggesting things because I knew he wouldn't want to go. Unless I decided I was going regardless of him then he would invite himself along but only if I drove.

If I tell him something he said hurt my feelings, I was taking it to personal. Things were only a problem if he felt offended or hurt by something.

Constant stepping on eggshells around. Always trying to keep the conversation lite because we couldn't talk about anything serious without tension. When situations don't go his way he couldn't seem to handle it. His cat went to the potty in the vent. He started screaming like bloody murder. I thought he had been hurt and was worried. I couldn't tell him that, that kind of behavior is not acceptable. His excuse was "that's how I was raised" 

Every time we go out I spent more time hoping things went right so he wouldn't get upset. Because his reaction to things were over the top. Which put me on a constant state of edge. I grew up in an abusive household. I explained this to him that when he get's like that it worries me. Again "That's how I was raised"

If I decided to stay home for the weekend. Eventually that would come up. Because it was a problem for him. Even though I would explain to him I have stuff I need to do. For him I was isolating myself. When in reality I was sometimes doing laundry. I live at home and we don't have a washer and dryer. I have to take my close to a Laundromat. There were also times I didn't feel like making the drive to his house. Doing that almost every weekend for several years gets pretty old. But if I didn't come over I was always 99.9% sure it would come up and be a problem. He would say it was okay if I didn't come over. But I knew otherwise. 

I also had a tumblr blog that he knew about. That I would just write in. I was unemployed at the time and it was my therapy. Writing down my thoughts. He would complain about it. Saying he didn't know who I was because I didn't share it with him first. I ended up deleting it. But I did make a new one shortly after and just didn't tell him about it. He knows I have one now but he doesn't know the url to it. I made sure to keep that from him.

He enjoyed talking about his problems. He is convinced he has bipolar 2 even bpd but doesn't do anything about them. He went to a psychologist a few times. The psychologist didn't give him the diagnose he wanted so he stopped going because he believes the psychologist is no good. 

Always indecisive about everything. Even going out to dinner. I would suggest a restaurant but he was quick to shoot it down. I didn't even understand why he would ask me. I didn't even like suggesting anything anymore.

----------------------------------------------
I'm glad I'm writing this out. I think I needed to type out what I have always known but never acknowledge.

I know in our argument I got a lot out of control. I did throw a shoe at his head, and I said some pretty nasty things to him and threatened his life at one point. But I'm pretty sure that was in response to if he ever laid his hands on me. 

But in all my 32 years I've never gotten to the point of violence or threatening someone. I grew up in abusive/volatile household. So I understand the toll it can take on someone. I always took the abuse of others in a very passive way. I think with him all my frustrations just came out in an horrible explosion.

That's another thing he would do. Put every situation/problem on the same level as his. As though he understands everything that I went through. Which isn't possible in my opinion. Our lives were very different growing up. His parents fighting wasn't the same as my parents fighting. I didn't even like talking about my problems with him cause it started to feel like a pissing constant. If things bothered me I just bottled them. Cause talking to him wouldn't help. 

I am already in therapy because I have been diagnosed as being bipolar 2. I know I suffered with depression for most of my life. And I've been getting help for it. Because I'm tired of the way I feel. I plan on printing this out and showing it to my therapist so she can see it. 

This was my first relationship ever in my life. I'm not a bad looking person, I don't even look my age. I'm slim and will be getting a bike to help get into better shape. I'm just very introverted and social situations sometimes make me very nervous. So the idea of dating again and meeting new people just freaks me out to an extent. 

I planned and paid for our vacation but he's no longer going obviously. I still have plans to go and bought my ticket already. But I cried at the thought of going alone. But my mother will be going with me and that makes me feel so much better.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sound like you did the right thing with ending your relationship. Keep writing and get it off your chest. Then move on. Your therapy should be very helpful in that regard.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I just don't understand how you can tell someone you love them and can't envision your life without that person. But not try to make it better. Not want to discuss future things with that person. He wants a relationship but with none of the work that goes with it. It would become my problem for me to solve.

He even said that I should discuss our issues with a therapist to get ideas on what we should be doing. I told him that doesn't make sense as it would be one sided and he would need to go as well. Plus it puts the burden on me to fix our issues while he decides if he want's to do something or not.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You're involved with a hypocrite who doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm betting that he has a personality disorder, but there's not enough info here to diagnose whether it's narcissistic or BPD (my two top suspicions).


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You're involved with a hypocrite who doesn't care about anyone but himself. I'm betting that he has a personality disorder, but there's not enough info here to diagnose whether it's narcissistic or BPD (my two top suspicions).


He said that he thought he had BPD or was a Narcissist. But I had a hard time thinking he was. I know his ex said supposedly he was all those things sans the BPD. Looking back on things he blames his past relationships for the way he is. 

He researched mental disorders and I think he convinced he has all kinds of things. But he wasn't getting help for anything and stop going to the one person he was seeing because he didn't get the diagnosis he wanted.

I think he is using his mental disorders as an excuse for his behavior. I know I have my own set of issues but I take ownership for them. I don't blame my bipolar 2/depression/anxiety for my actions. It explains them and helps put my actions in perspective but ultimately I'm responsible for them.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Gumbo, sincerely, well done!

Over time, more memories will crop up and remind you that he was no good for you. Since you are already realising this, it won't take long to get over him as each memory surfaces and you reconfirm to yourself that was the best thing to do. You were very brave, and please don't worry about your age holding you back, just do as I do and expect to live to 100! You've got lots of time to find someone new, and now you have experience to draw on to make the next relationship better. 

I hope you have a great trip with your mum, and keep writing here if it makes you feel better


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

keepsmiling said:


> Gumbo, sincerely, well done!
> 
> Over time, more memories will crop up and remind you that he was no good for you. Since you are already realising this, it won't take long to get over him as each memory surfaces and you reconfirm to yourself that was the best thing to do. You were very brave, and please don't worry about your age holding you back, just do as I do and expect to live to 100! You've got lots of time to find someone new, and now you have experience to draw on to make the next relationship better.
> 
> I hope you have a great trip with your mum, and keep writing here if it makes you feel better


Thank you!

I will keep writing here I think. It has helped me to see how things were. I sorta knew in the back of my mind that things weren't right. But I attributed to lack of "experience". But writing things down so I can see it visually has helped me. 

I do need to return his key. I don't want to see him or go past his house. It's only been 2 days and I can feel myself getting better and I don't want to ruin what little progress I have made. So I may just mail it to him.

The more I think about it I'm glad we had that argument. I think it was a blessing in disguise. All the cards got laid out on the table for all to see. I can see now his intentions were that he had none and I don't think anything I could have done would change that.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

I'm trying so hard to focus at work. But it's been difficult.

I'm not sad about missing the relationship as much as I'm upset that I let myself be strung along like this for this long. 

I'm upset he let me think and believe that we were headed towards a future together when he more than likely knew we weren't. 

He was okay being close to me when things were good and okay with cuddles and hugs. But when we had our arguments, when I voiced my concerns, when I sat on his couch crying my eyes out. He just kept his distance both physically and mentally. Not offering me one word of solace. Just "I don't knows" and "Not sure" that should have been a sign/clue. Letting me deal with things on my own when they concerned the both of us.

I know I'm better off without him. I'm just hurt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gumbo_Gizmo said:


> I want nothing more than to spend my life with him. This is one of my frustrations with him. I've asked him before if he wanted to get married engaged.


You can still spend your lives together w/o getting married.

If marriage is the dealbreaker for you though and you find he doesn't want it, then you have a fundamental difference and should break it off.

Some folks can be married and not committed to eachother at all. Take that for what it's worth. 

Keep going to therapy. Exercise, meet up with friends, get a new hobby.

If he comes around, work on your communication and decide what you want together. If it's the same, have at it. If it's not, break it off so you can both move on and not waste any more time.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You can still spend your lives together w/o getting married.
> 
> If marriage is the dealbreaker for you though and you find he doesn't want it, then you have a fundamental difference and should break it off.
> 
> ...


He told me from the beginning he won't live with someone unless he's married and I was okay with that. If he had other ideas for the relationship he never conveyed them to me. So I'm not sure what I was suppose to do but break it off. As he wouldn't discuss the issue with me and when we did it was one sided.


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## Gumbo_Gizmo (Jun 2, 2013)

Update:

It's been almost a month since me and my boyfriend have split after 4years of dating. 

The only time I heard from him was when I un-friended him on Facebook 2 weeks ago. His feelings were hurt apparently. I think it's because now he has no way of keeping track of what I'm doing. Not that facebook is ideal since I hardly use it anyway, but I saw no reason to see his feed on the off chance I do log in.

But since the breakup I only cried that one day it actually happened. I felt down about things for a week. But all in all I feel so much better. I'm more relaxed and not nearly as stressed. My therapist even noted that I seemed "lighter". 

I did try and go on a date which went sorta dreadful. The guy smelled like lunch room meat and he ate/talked with his mouth open. But it was just good to get out of the house even if things were awkward. 

I prob won't be doing anymore dating at the moment. If anything that relationship has left me a little emotionally exhausted and the idea of having to care about anyone else other than my family and myself does not thrill me in the least. 

The only thing I would like is to have someone to hang out with from time to time. I just need to find some new friends or something or try to harass the one I have now to hang out with me. 

Just weird that after all those years I thought I would have been more than a wreck. But I'm doing okay.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear you are doing ok. Sorry this happened but it's better to end it now than 10 years from now.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

32 years old. So young and with your entire adult life ahead of you. But mainly, you dodged your bullet. I envy you.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Gumbo_Gizmo said:


> I'll be 33 and more than likely single. I want to get married, I want a family, I want someone to get old with me, share my intrest. I want to believe so hard I'll find someone but I'm worried. I'm worried I won't find someone and I'll be alone with my forever needy cat.


Who knows who you will bump into around the corner. I was 27 when I met my wife who was 33 at the apartment swimming pool. She was supposed to be the dutiful daughter who would return home to take care of the aged parents. 

Less than a year later we were married. Have one daughter.

Was I looking to find my true love. 
No​.
Did I ever think I would marry an older woman. 

No. ​Did I ever think I would marry some of a different race.
No​
But here we are 33 years later and I still KNOW that I am married to the most beautiful, sexiest woman in the world.:smthumbup:

So go figure. Get out there and try to find someone else. Who knows maybe you will your husband to be while standing on the platform waiting for the subway like my niece did.

WWHT


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