# I finally told him...however I feel bad



## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

I finally told my husband that I didn't want to work on the marriage anymore. We were in our second round of counseling and it was doing nothing but making me want to tell him even more. It wasn't because he wasn't trying to change...he was. It was because it was hurting me to the point of depression because it was that much harder for me to try to work on the marriage. I worked hard for our marriage for years prior to this and I'm just tired. I have nothing to give him. I've lost myself in him and I feel that my issues are so deep that I can't work on myself as well as the marriage. 

Now that I've told him, he's professing his love even more but it's just not working and because of this I feel like a horrible person. We've gone through this quite a few times before and I always gave. However, this time I trying to stay strong. 

After writing all of this I guess I need to know has anyone ever been in this situation and how did you handle it? I'm hurting because he's hurting, but I don't want to give in.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Okay
So you have made your decision. 
What I notice is that there is no declaration of love in here.
So there you go. 
You have made the decision now all you have to do is continue with your plan.

Never been in your situation. 
I was the man on the other side of things. I was in your husband’s position.
So I will try to let you know what’s going on for him…maybe it will help you.

I can tell you that right now he is trying desperately to save his marriage. He has loved you all along and never meant to be difficult.
Men place a LOT of their identity into their marriage. It’s a matter of pride that we have been good fathers, husbands and lovers.
If he is anything like me, he has been proud of his fidelity, his ongoing attempts to be a decent parent and his remarkable restraint when it comes to his wife.
He has probably fended off several attempts to break him out of his marriage and into the arms of another woman.
He is proud of his participation and thinks of you and him as “one of the couples who will make it”…or he did anyway.

Chances are he will feel betrayed and hurt when you end things. 
He will feel out of control and like he was never given a chance to work on things…because you never really got his attention before.
What were minor upsets to him were major ones to you that you never properly communicated to him. He will become slightly unhinged and act erratically and probably give you several reasons to not love him anymore as he desperately fights any way he can to save things. What are multiple tactics to him will seem like he is inconsistent. 

In the end he will despise you for giving up and not working on things and will always resent you for taking away any choice or say he had in the relationship.
He won’t want to “be friends” after your divorce and will most likely make significant changes in a positive direction…changes you won’t be able to see because of the number of misconceptions you have created in your relationship over the years.

Suddenly women will want to be with him and he will lose sight of the idea of reconciling because his changes will make him very attractive to women. Chances are he will realize he is a commodity now and on the better end of the stick. Like a kid in a candy store with unlimited credit, he will immerse himself in women of all shapes and sizes and eventually he will hit the jackpot; a woman who has done the work you need to do and come out the other side. Oddly the divorce will turn him into exactly what you wanted him to be all along except that he will never give you the time of day again.

All of the lenses he used to look at you with will fall away and he will see you for what you really are. 
He will never look at you with that loving look again. 
He will never smile at you the way he did and he will not come to your rescue for even the simplest things.
You relieved him of that duty.

My ex had this silly idea that we would see other people after the divorce and then come back together like some friggin modern Disney movie.
Except that when her boyfriend abandoned her after he figured out she wasn’t commitment material…mine didn’t.
2.75 years later we are still growing and building our love for each other. 
Me ex says it’s my “predicament”.
I say it’s my upgrade.

So why am I laying my very painful truth at your feet?
I’m doing it so you know that things will NEVER be the same either way and they rarely turn out the way you think they will.
You can imagine all the ways you think things will be and they will always turn out differently.

This is my experience from the other side.
The only thing I can tell you is to do it quickly and just leave. 
Believe it or not, it’s the most humane way to do it.

Not having a plan in place is just going to draw it out and make him suffer longer.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

You made some very valid points and they aren't taken lightly. I honestly don't see myself with him in the future and I'm well aware that he may fall in love with someone else. I'm not expecting us to take a brief separation and then we'll end up back together. 

Of course a lot of things have transpired throughout our marriage that were explained in the OP and things thing have me feeling the way I do. I've dealt with him being controlling and emotionally abusive. Through all of that I tried to make it work. 

Now here we are 5 years later and he's just now see the errors of his ways and is trying to put his best foot forward. Now he loves me ever so dearly, now he needs me, now he doesn't want to lose me. None of this was communicated years ago. 

He has begun to make some changes, but I feel it's too little too late. Furthermore, we still go through many of the same issues that we've dealt with before, which prevents me from giving more. I like to compare it to a child in daycare with building blocks. I'm sitting on the floor building my castle (our marriage and me letting go of the hurt). As soon as I get ready to put the very last block on top here comes the mean child (my husband) kicking the castle down and now I'm at ground zero again. This has been a repetitive cycle lately. 

So instead of continuously giving to him and our marriage I've decided to focus on myself. Because of this I feel as you mentioned, that he will resent me and become spiteful. I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take to ensure my happiness.

And yes you're right...I'm not in love anymore.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like you are at the end of your patience.
I understand this.

I dont envy you your position as you will be percieved as a WAW from his end, but we each need to walk the path we are on.

Try not to lead him on or give him false hope.
Thats about as humane as you can be right now.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Okay
> So you have made your decision.
> What I notice is that there is no declaration of love in here.
> So there you go.
> ...


Possibly the best narration of the typical walkaway-wife/changing husband story ever written.

It's exactly what happens on a consistent basis. The walkaway wife often loses out on the 'best' of her husband while her subsequent romantic endeavors never live up to expectation. She will have to 'settle', perhaps for even less in the end.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There's always a chance that his efforts will be short lived anyway. Remember that when he thought you weren't going anywhere he showed you who he was, and if you get settled he'll likely go right back to it. This is a woman's perspective.....it's the things people do when they either think nobody's watching or they don't think there's consequences that define them. This is no different then a wife that won't have sex until hubby decides he's had enough, then all of a sudden she's willing. Yet hubby has been rejected too many times and isn't interested, and really doesn't trust her not to go back to how she was anyway. I'g suggest men consider this perspective when judging a waw.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> There's always a chance that his efforts will be short lived anyway. Remember that when he thought you weren't going anywhere he showed you who he was, and if you get settled he'll likely go right back to it. This is a woman's perspective.....it's the things people do when they either think nobody's watching or they don't think there's consequences that define them. This is no different then a wife that won't have sex until hubby decides he's had enough, then all of a sudden she's willing. Yet hubby has been rejected too many times and isn't interested, and really doesn't trust her not to go back to how she was anyway. I'g suggest men consider this perspective when judging a waw.


Whats to consider?
Either way it's someone giving up on the marriage.

"Considering" it is just an attempt to rationalize the failure of their spouse to come to a mutual conclusion with their partner to end their marriage.

Thats what people dont get about WAW's.
Its not that they left.
It's the way they did it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You shouldn't feel guilty. Leaving without cheating, that is already a plus on your side.

Tell your STBX that you will not rule out dating him after separation but you doubt it will happen. Don't lead him on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> Whats to consider?
> Either way it's someone giving up on the marriage.
> 
> "Considering" it is just an attempt to rationalize the failure of their spouse to come to a mutual conclusion with their partner to end their marriage.
> ...


What about the way they did it? That they checked out? That they weren't receptive to too little too late?

And how exactly does one come to a mutual conclusion with a partner that doesn't want the marriage to end?

As far as giving up, one that treats their spouse poorly was never that invested in the marriage, imo. If you did everything you could to be a good spouse and your partner checked out then yes, you got a bum deal, but that would not appear to be the case here. Actions and behaviors have consequences.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> You shouldn't feel guilty. Leaving without cheating, that is already a plus on your side.
> 
> Tell your STBX that you will not rule out dating him after separation but you doubt it will happen. Don't lead him on.


Agreed, leave without cheating. The irony here is that if her husband came to TAM he'd probably be told that she was cheating because that's the only way women leave marriages.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed, leave without cheating. The irony here is that if her husband came to TAM he'd probably be told that she was cheating because that's the only way women leave marriages.


Stats don't lie. The vast majority of them either cheat or start fantasizing about it with particular people (which is still cheating).

Except for cases of extreme abuse, rarely anyone leaves a marriage without some level of attraction for someone else.

I wouldn't even rule this out about the poster of this thread.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Okay
> So you have made your decision.
> What I notice is that there is no declaration of love in here.
> So there you go.
> ...


Wow! throw in multiple cheating, and three sons, and you described my life over the past 3 years. Words to think on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Stats don't lie. The vast majority of them either cheat or start fantasizing about it with particular people (which is still cheating).
> 
> Except for cases of extreme abuse, rarely anyone leaves a marriage without some level of attraction for someone else.
> 
> I wouldn't even rule this out about the poster of this thread.


What is the source of these stats? TAM is a poor representation of greater marital society.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> What is the source of these stats? TAM is a poor representation of greater marital society.


No, it's actually a good representation of marriages that are in trouble. A very good representation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

synthetic said:


> No, it's actually a good representation of marriages that are in trouble. A very good representation.


That is highly subjective, but either way I'd still like to know the source of these stats if you have it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> That is highly subjective, but either way I'd still like to know the source of these stats if you have it.


I don't have hard figures. Just what TAM and other marriage websites offer. 

I think it's generally accepted that the Walkaway Syndrome is often mixed with either emotional or physical infidelity. Not always but the majority of times.

It makes sense too. Humans don't leave their comfort-zone before finding or speculating about another.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

OP, here. No there is no cheating. No attraction to others. You guys actually sound like him, which is an issue for me. Despite us going through issues for years and the pain that he puts me through, he keep asking is there someone else. I just don't understand how he can ignore all the issues we've encountered only to think that it must be someone else.

My only interaction with others is during the times I drill with the National Guard which is once a month. Not saying that cheating isn't impossible for some, but I drill 1 1/5 hours away from where I reside. How likely is it that I, a SAHM, would be able to get away with a "lover" to even consider leaving for another man, lol! Also, in the town I currently reside I have no friends. 

Furthermore, I've thought about all of the good things I will miss out on if we are to separate. However, at this moment I feel that I'm willing to deal with that just to have a piece of mind, increased self confidence, happiness, and good health. The extra loving husband has only showed his face this past year when I began to check out. I tend to look at it as an act of desperation. Lastly, I know what it's like to be treated good by a man, this hasn't been it. So if we are to divorce and I do get into a relationship with a man that doesn't treat me right there will be no chains or legal documents holding me to him. I will be at liberty to walk away.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> There's always a chance that his efforts will be short lived anyway. Remember that when he thought you weren't going anywhere he showed you who he was, and if you get settled he'll likely go right back to it. This is a woman's perspective.....it's the things people do when they either think nobody's watching or they don't think there's consequences that define them. This is no different then a wife that won't have sex until hubby decides he's had enough, then all of a sudden she's willing. Yet hubby has been rejected too many times and isn't interested, and really doesn't trust her not to go back to how she was anyway. I'g suggest men consider this perspective when judging a waw.


This is exactly how I feel. While he may mean what he says, I feel it's an act because we've been through the "I'm so sorry" so many times before.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Stats don't lie. The vast majority of them either cheat or start fantasizing about it with particular people (which is still cheating).
> 
> Except for cases of extreme abuse, rarely anyone leaves a marriage without some level of attraction for someone else.
> 
> I wouldn't even rule this out about the poster of this thread.


I'm laughing because that's just the type of person I am...but no cheating, lol! However, what I do fantasize about is being with a man who adores me and gives me everything that I desire. This man has no face. I typically only think about things like this when people talk about how happy their life and marriage is. When they do this, I become sad and sometimes even a little jealous.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

2bloved said:


> I'm laughing because that's just the type of person I am...but no cheating, lol! However, what I do fantasize about is being with a man who adores me and gives me everything that I desire. This man has no face. I typically only think about things like this when people talk about how happy their life and marriage is. When they do this, I become sad and sometimes even a little jealous.


I understand.

It's a difficult situation. 

You should also realize that how you perceive other people's life is a reflection of the vibes THEY give you about it, not reality. Same thing with your life. 

For all we know, your life could be considered wonderful by someone who's had it much worse.

It's important to remind yourself that your fantasies are just that; fantasies. Real life and marriage are often riddled with obstacles that are completely different than what people normally desire. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Based on what you've written, your husband doesn't sound abusive or unfaithful. I'm not sure what your disagreements are over (if there are any), but unless they're over unresolvable differences, they can't be hard to overcome.

I understand you want 'better' in life, but be warned that the 'better' you are after may neither exist at all nor transpire in your future because you yourself might be a major contributor to your own lack of contentment.

What SamuraiJack posted should not be taken lightly. It's a very real and the most repeated outcome of situations like yours.


> The extra loving husband has only showed his face this past year when I began to check out. I tend to look at it as an act of desperation.


You cannot fault your husband for this. To me it sounds like he's doomed no matter what he does. That would be a very unfair way to treat him. If you're truly done loving him, there is no point in belittling his genuine attempts. You don't want to reward him for his good deeds, fine, but please don't punish him by ridiculing them.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

While my words may seem like I'm belittling him I'm not. Every feeling that he has I understand. However, I guess after years of me telling him the issues and for us to continuing to go through these issues, my heart has become more guarded and nonchalant. 

There has been emotional abuse, I'm sure some people may say "that's it?" But truth be told it broke me. 
Lastly, while I have faith that there will be something better I'm well aware that I may not receive it. If I don't, at least I can promise myself to not let another person hurt me and break me down.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

2bloved said:


> I'm laughing because that's just the type of person I am...but no cheating, lol! However, what I do fantasize about is being with a man who adores me and gives me everything that I desire. This man has no face. I typically only think about things like this when people talk about how happy their life and marriage is. When they do this, I become sad and sometimes even a little jealous.


With an idealized version of a husband like that I fear yours will never measure up to your standards.
Part of the secret of people who lead fulfilling lives is knowing that they need to be responsible for their own happiness.

Gonna play devil’s advocate for a bit here…

How much work have you REALLY done to work on the marriage?
Are you putting the responsibility for your happiness in his hands?

Do you even know the simple things about him? Like his love languages?
I heard you say that you are in your second round of MC. Have either of you tried IC?
I ask these things because this is such a typical scenario that can be avoided by adjusting thinking.

When you think of this man with no face…is this the way your husband is treating you right now? 
Can you see him trying without holding his past against him?

In other words…would his behavior right now be acceptable and possibly even welcome if you give a chance in the present moment? 

I dont want to seem like I'm badgering here. Im just trying to understand and possibly help. It just seems like this scene gets played out SOOOO much.
Just as it always seems to end up with the same ending.

It's bewildering to me that nobody has acome up with a systematic way to deal with this type of thing.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

2bloved said:


> While my words may seem like I'm belittling him I'm not. Every feeling that he has I understand. However, I guess after years of me telling him the issues and for us to continuing to go through these issues, my heart has become more guarded and nonchalant.
> 
> There has been emotional abuse, I'm sure some people may say "that's it?" But truth be told it broke me.
> Lastly, while I have faith that there will be something better I'm well aware that I may not receive it. If I don't, at least I can promise myself to not let another person hurt me and break me down.


Ah. 
Now I understand.
Without that information, it seems like he is a traditional clueless husband who is about to get the rug ripped out from under him.

It would seem that in your mind he will never get much better and he will never meet your needs.

I have to wonder if he was thinking that you had never indicated your “us” was in danger.
Sometimes men need to woken up with a frying pan…not a gentle kiss on the head.

Honestly while you provide a seemingly compelling reason to leave, I can’t help but think that this is the result of long term, slow building, negative interactions on each side that have not been addressed or forgotten.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP you are so quiet about details that we are all speculating here and now attempting to pull details out of you so that we can attempt to assess more accurately. 

Are you normally this bereft with details as a personality thing or are you THAT mentally exhausted that it's the best of what you've got left?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> OP you are so quiet about details that we are all speculating here and now attempting to pull details out of you so that we can attempt to assess more accurately.
> 
> Are you normally this bereft with details as a personality thing or are you THAT mentally exhausted that it's the best of what you've got left?


I looked back at some of her posts and it seems like she's always bereft with details as you put it.

She hasn't even mentioned how old they are or how long they've been married or many other details. Just that her husband is neglectful and doesn't want to communicate or go to MC.

She really tries hard to get encouraged to leave her marriage, and she has somewhat succeeded at detaching from her husband enough. I suspect the husband had little to no chance of recovering this.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

OP can you give an example of his emotional abuse?


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> With an idealized version of a husband like that I fear yours will never measure up to your standards.
> Part of the secret of people who lead fulfilling lives is knowing that they need to be responsible for their own happiness.
> 
> Gonna play devil’s advocate for a bit here…
> ...


Things that I desired were never much. For example, quality time. So that I don't make him seem all bad he's a hard worker. However, his drive for greatness and to provide for our family became greater than spending time with his family. He was so worried about our future while he neglected the present. I was thankful that he took our future into consideration, but we shouldn't have to be put on the back burner during this process. 

Yes, we done The Love Languages and we've talked about this in our 2nd round of counseling as well. Withing the 2nd round of counseling we both had individual sessions and I will be continuing these next week.

I do see him trying and I try to put the past behind me, but it becomes difficult when those past actions show their face in the present. He is doing some of the things I won't, but I guess they get overclouded when he repeats his actions of the past.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> OP you are so quiet about details that we are all speculating here and now attempting to pull details out of you so that we can attempt to assess more accurately.
> 
> Are you normally this bereft with details as a personality thing or are you THAT mentally exhausted that it's the best of what you've got left?


I'm not sure how I'm being quiet? If a question is being asked of me, I answered it. It's hard to type out 8 years worth of issues. I'm doing the best that I can. Even in marriage counseling, all of the issues aren't going to be put on the table during the first session. Many of the issues are brought out over time. But yes, I'm that exhausted. To the point where I'm in deep depression and our counselor has suggested medication.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

synthetic said:


> I looked back at some of her posts and it seems like she's always bereft with details as you put it.
> 
> She hasn't even mentioned how old they are or how long they've been married or many other details. Just that her husband is neglectful and doesn't want to communicate or go to MC.
> 
> She really tries hard to get encouraged to leave her marriage, and she has somewhat succeeded at detaching from her husband enough. I suspect the husband had little to no chance of recovering this.


I'm 29 and he's 28. Been married almost 6 years. Two kids. I don't think I've mentioned at all that my husband doesn't want to communicate or go to counseling. I mentioned that we are in our 2nd round. I don't think I've even typed the word communication before this post, lol. I have to go back to check on that.

Also, I didn't ask for encouragement to leave him.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> I'm not sure how I'm being quiet? If a question is being asked of me, I answered it. It's hard to type out 8 years worth of issues. I'm doing the best that I can. Even in marriage counseling, all of the issues aren't going to be put on the table during the first session. Many of the issues are brought out over time. But yes, I'm that exhausted. To the point where I'm in deep depression and our counselor has suggested medication.


Do you think I expect you to write out eight years of issues?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

2bloved said:


> I do see him trying and I try to put the past behind me, but it becomes difficult when those past actions show their face in the present. He is doing some of the things I won't, but I guess they get overclouded when he repeats his actions of the past.


Just out of curiosity...Has your counselor ever used the word "enmeshed" or "enmeshment"?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> OP can you give an example of his emotional abuse?


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> OP can you give an example of his emotional abuse?


Treated me like a child through yelling and telling me what to do.
Often blamed me for his issues or things he's done wrong.
controlling
spiteful
Ignored me
Denying
Told me how I should or should not feel
minimized my feelings
there was never any money for things I wanted, but there was always money for things he needed.
would never spend time with my family, but i was expected to spend time with his.

This is just a little bit of the things we've gone through.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

I did not miss this, blossom. I do have other obligations lol


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Do you think I expect you to write out eight years of issues?


To me that what it seems since it's being said that I'm leaving things out.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Just out of curiosity...Has your counselor ever used the word "enmeshed" or "enmeshment"?


No, they haven't.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> To me that what it seems since it's being said that I'm leaving things out.


hmm interesting that you assumed that


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> Treated me like a child through yelling and telling me what to do.
> Often blamed me for his issues or things he's done wrong.
> controlling
> spiteful
> ...


I was going for a specific story


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> I did not miss this, blossom. I do have other obligations lol


offended?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmm interesting that you assumed that


Are you thinking Projection?


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Just did a quick read on enmeshment. I do believe that was an issue throughout the relationship. I relied on him to make me happy. It was this past year, that I've changed. However, I don't think he liked this change. I've always believed that he wanted me to need him in a way a child needs a parent. During arguments I was constantly reminded of the things he'd done for me.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Are you thinking Projection?


She definitely assumed my expectation


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmm interesting that you assumed that


Does bereft not mean lacking? As if I'm lacking or leaving something out?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> Just did a quick read on enmeshment. I do believe that was an issue throughout the relationship. I relied on him to make me happy. It was this past year, that I've changed. However, I don't think he liked this change. I've always believed that he wanted me to need him in a way a child needs a parent. During arguments I was constantly reminded of the things he'd done for me.


This is the kind of detail that helps us be more accurate...


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> offended?


Negative.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I was going for a specific story


Sure. We bought a home and we were in the process of letting go of the flood insurance because it was determined that we were not in a flood zone. 

Here's one of my faults (i'm sure you all will enjoy this) I tend to often forget to do things or they slip my mind. When I do forget I tend to get in "trouble." This time when I forgot DH came home for work and asked if I called the mortgage company. I told him, no I forgot. He responding my saying "Well I tell you to do something, you need to do it!" That's treating me like a child.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> Does bereft not mean lacking? As if I'm lacking or leaving something out?


wow.. 

you are flying right past me and totally missing me on the way


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> Sure. We bought a home and we were in the process of letting go of the flood insurance because it was determined that we were not in a flood zone.
> 
> Here's one of my faults (i'm sure you all will enjoy this) I tend to often forget to do things or they slip my mind. When I do forget I tend to get in "trouble." This time when I forgot DH came home for work and asked if I called the mortgage company. I told him, no I forgot. He responding my saying "Well I tell you to do something, you need to do it!" That's treating me like a child.


What was your response to him?


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> wow..
> 
> you are flying right past me and totally missing me on the way



Well can you explain further? You asked why I'm being quiet and bereft.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> Well can you explain further? You asked why I'm being quiet and bereft.


No, that is not what I asked, so I will ask you to reread my question.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> No, that is not what I asked, so I will ask you to reread my question.


I have multiple times. You also asked if it was a personality issue or if I'm mentally exhausted. I answered that as well. 

Now can you please explain to me what I'm missing? I'm by far not perfect and I guess this is a case where I'm just missing it.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> What was your response to him?


I told him that I am his wife and not his child. He should not talk to me as such. He responds by saying that he is my husband and I should do what I tell him. After that I don't remember much because I was crying and it became a yelling match.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

2bloved said:


> I told him that I am his wife and not his child. He should not talk to me as such. He responds by saying that he is my husband and I should do what I tell him. After that I don't remember much because I was crying and it became a yelling match.


Excellent that you stood up to him. 

He has an erroneous perception of his husband role.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

As an old dude who has the benefit of looking at this from above.........first thing I want to say is that this is tragic and unnecessary. You guys are sooo young and inexperienced and you are giving up way too soon. You haven't really been tested as a couple to the extent that you know real adversity. You need to have had true adversity to bring you together and bond you and give you the strength to weather the difficult times. My wish for you and others like you is to buck up, throw away all thoughts of giving up, grow and mature together until you can both look back on your past and say we hung in there and made it happen. Studies are out there that have interviewed couples that have been together for a long time and have considered splitting up. Overwhelmingly these couples have stated that they were glad that they hung in there and had great lives together. They just had to get through the crap. You do too and the two of you can have the same outcome. You have a good chance of this outcome if you both hang in there. You have a zero chance if you give up. Everything today is disposable. Sadly, even marriages. Oh, as to his overwhelming commitment to his work.....let me offer this perspective. When a guy is young and has a family sometimes he gets freaked out and becomes obsessive about his career and tends to neglect or minimize the ones in his life that are most important to him. Why? Because he feels the pressure and feels the responsibility. He feels the pressure and he doesn't know what else to do other than to immerse himself in it. Could this be? There are worse problems to have. I wish the best for the both of you, I really do. Think carefully and dig deep and recommit to making this a long term success story.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ineffective boundaries will exhaust you. 

Are you familiar with healthy boundaries?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

First, Samurai Jack, thank you for that explanation of what a husband feels with a WAW. It was a beautiful explanation. My guy was that husband. He is in a very good place now...as he says, he is a happy man. 



LongWalk said:


> You shouldn't feel guilty. Leaving without cheating, that is already a plus on your side.
> 
> Tell your STBX that you will not rule out dating him after separation but you doubt it will happen. Don't lead him on.


 No, don't do that. Just cut it clean, if you must.



lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed, leave without cheating. The irony here is that if her husband came to TAM he'd probably be told that she was cheating because that's the only way women leave marriages.


True. It makes it easier for men to understand...and it takes the blame off of them. 




Blossom Leigh said:


> Excellent that you stood up to him.
> 
> He has an erroneous perception of his husband role.


Blove, are you religious? Is your husband?



Betrayedone said:


> As an old dude who has the benefit of looking at this from above.........first thing I want to say is that this is tragic and unnecessary. You guys are sooo young and inexperienced and you are giving up way too soon. You haven't really been tested as a couple to the extent that you know real adversity. You need to have had true adversity to bring you together and bond you and give you the strength to weather the difficult times. My wish for you and others like you is to buck up, throw away all thoughts of giving up, grow and mature together until you can both look back on your past and say we hung in there and made it happen. Studies are out there that have interviewed couples that have been together for a long time and have considered splitting up. Overwhelmingly these couples have stated that they were glad that they hung in there and had great lives together. They just had to get through the crap. You do too and the two of you can have the same outcome. You have a good chance of this outcome if you both hang in there. You have a zero chance if you give up. Everything today is disposable. Sadly, even marriages. Oh, as to his overwhelming commitment to his work.....let me offer this perspective. When a guy is young and has a family sometimes he gets freaked out and becomes obsessive about his career and tends to neglect or minimize the ones in his life that are most important to him. Why? Because he feels the pressure and feels the responsibility. He feels the pressure and he doesn't know what else to do other than to immerse himself in it. Could this be? There are worse problems to have. I wish the best for the both of you, I really do. Think carefully and dig deep and recommit to making this a long term success story.


I actually agree with this. I am not a fan of divorce. I do believe that divorce is necessary in certain cases esp in regards to adultery, addiction, abuse and abandonment. However, I think people give up far too easily. If you were in your 40s, I would be more supportive. At 29, I suspect that both of you are very immature. I like the suggestion of individual counseling, as well as marital counseling. Your kids are quite young too. If you had no children, I would say no harm, no foul. But you do. 

What I would suggest is focusing on yourself more and getting back to work...just in case. Do not lose yourself in your family. Do the best you can for your family, but keep it balanced with what you need for your future security.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Excellent that you stood up to him.
> 
> He has an erroneous perception of his husband role.



Thank you and yes I do believe he does. I notice a lot of his father in him. He often says he doesn't want to be like his father, but he acts like him often.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Betrayedone said:


> As an old dude who has the benefit of looking at this from above.........first thing I want to say is that this is tragic and unnecessary. You guys are sooo young and inexperienced and you are giving up way too soon. You haven't really been tested as a couple to the extent that you know real adversity. You need to have had true adversity to bring you together and bond you and give you the strength to weather the difficult times. My wish for you and others like you is to buck up, throw away all thoughts of giving up, grow and mature together until you can both look back on your past and say we hung in there and made it happen. Studies are out there that have interviewed couples that have been together for a long time and have considered splitting up. Overwhelmingly these couples have stated that they were glad that they hung in there and had great lives together. They just had to get through the crap. You do too and the two of you can have the same outcome. You have a good chance of this outcome if you both hang in there. You have a zero chance if you give up. Everything today is disposable. Sadly, even marriages. Oh, as to his overwhelming commitment to his work.....let me offer this perspective. When a guy is young and has a family sometimes he gets freaked out and becomes obsessive about his career and tends to neglect or minimize the ones in his life that are most important to him. Why? Because he feels the pressure and feels the responsibility. He feels the pressure and he doesn't know what else to do other than to immerse himself in it. Could this be? There are worse problems to have. I wish the best for the both of you, I really do. Think carefully and dig deep and recommit to making this a long term success story.


May I ask what kind of adversities you speak of? I guess to me I would think we've faced adversity and others may not think so.

I hope what I'm about to say makes sense so here goes. I'll admit that I may not communicate this well. Of course my husband wants to supply for our family. However, he is more concerned about his wants and needs for the family instead of what we want and need. For example, he wants to be a millionaire; provide all our needs and wants. Therefore, he's driven by what he wants for us. Now, it's great that he wants these things for us. His drive is one of the things I appreciate about him. However, when your family says they don't need all of those things and you continue to do those things and leave your family in the process that's where issues arrive. (I know whoever is reading this is like "huh?!" I'm trying, lol). Also, his drive is also an act of control. When money and kids came into play in our relationship things changed...me being a SAHM made things no better. I don't want this to come off as if I'm ungrateful because I'm not. I just hate being reminded of all the things he's done for me when I've never asked him to do those things. It's like I'm a child that should be grateful that Dad gave us a place to live, clothes on our backs, and food on our table. 

I do agree that sometimes people give up on marriage easily. We're going on 6 years of marriage and I think that's a long time to deal with hurt. My issue is do I continue to hurt just for the sake of marriage? That's something that I'm unable to grasp. I don't want us to be one of those couples who are married 20+ years just for the sake of marriage even though we hate each other.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Ineffective boundaries will exhaust you.
> 
> Are you familiar with healthy boundaries?


We talked about this a little bit in counseling.


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## 2bloved (Sep 18, 2012)

Fenix said:


> First, Samurai Jack, thank you for that explanation of what a husband feels with a WAW. It was a beautiful explanation. My guy was that husband. He is in a very good place now...as he says, he is a happy man.
> 
> No, don't do that. Just cut it clean, if you must.
> 
> ...


Yes we are religious. 

I've also wondered if maybe this isn't big enough for me to leave. I've dealt with emotional abuse and it seems that some people don't think that's a good enough reason. I even battle with that at times. Given the reasons of divorce you gave have made me question religion in that why is marriage so important? Am I suppose to deal with 6 years of unhappiness and more until things get better just for the sake of marriage? 

When our kids see me crying or when they ask why Daddy makes Mommy cry or they tell people that Daddy yells at Mommy and makes her cry...I should stay around and let them see that until things get better? My daughter tells everyone's business and I often get so scared that she'll tell someone else (my Mom) what she's told my FIL and SIL about what goes on with Mom and Dad. That hurts me that she sees that. I don't want my son or daughter growing up that way. I have an even greater time with my son because he's "in love" with his Dad and emulates him. He is very disrespectful to me at times. He yelled at me one day and My husband said "don't yell at your mom." Our son said "why not? You do it." 

That's the kind of stuff that makes me think divorce is necessary.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ok... I know exactly where you are in life. Have experienced much of the same personally, that's why I was asking for enough detail so that I could accurately share what worked for me.

The books Emotional Blackmail, Codependency No More, Boundaries by Townsend, Betrayal Bond are great resources for you. 

Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support is a great resource for definitions of destructive behaviors SO THAT boundaries can be placed against them. 

I can hear your heart trying to separate constructive behaviors from destructive behaviors, and my dear, blackmailing you into compliance with Fear Obligation and Guilt are abusive and yes, needs to be corrected. 

You can give your H one shot to learn better as exhausted as you are... I would consider separation so you can gain some strength because holding up this vision and exercising boundaries is not a task for the faint of heart. 

You have two choices in this relationship... "stay different, or leave" and with staying different you have to be ready to get super savvy with boundaries. You can witness radical changes when effective boundaries enter the picture, so because you have kids and if you love your husband, boundaries are the most loving thing you can bring into this mix because it will teach him how to be a man who is strong but supports his wife instead of browbeats her into submission.


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