# Intro and just found out he was cheating.



## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

Hello all. I wish I could say I was introducing myself under better circumstances. But here I am nevertheless...

Here is my story. A story that I wish was fiction, and is amazing enough to think it was. A story that I sadly will have to tell ad naseum over the coming weeks. 

Two months ago my DH walked out on my 16 month old and me. He said that he didn't want to be married anymore. That he was tired of being everything to everyone and that he wanted to experience life on his own. I chalked this up to some man-crisis...some sort of depression...as he had been diagnosed with depression in the past. He moved in to an apartment and left me at the house.

He agreed to go to counseling for 6 weeks and we'd reassess after that. I took this time to try and be loving, supportive, a good wife...as my soul was crushed. I wanted to desperately believe that there was something wrong with him, and with enough prayer and patience and love that he would get over it and we'd work things out as we always have. I worked side by side with him everyday at work (as we work at the same place), and we told no one of what our home situation was. It was excruciating.

If you can't tell where this is going already, I never believed that there was the possibility of anyone else involved. That thought was crazy to me. I guess it shouldn't have been, given that twice before in our marriage he has had inappropriate flirtations with other women...but the combo of a low self-esteem and embarrassment had me basically blame myself and I guess just repress these things...never telling another soul.

A week ago I found a suspicious charge on our joint bank account. Up until then nothing at all seemed out of the ordinary. But after some checking, I found the charge was for an online florist. Even then I thought that this was perhaps work related. We send flowers to clients sometimes for various reasons.

But something someone said, plus the fact that even still this week DH was refusing to work on things, that he just wanted to be "Brad without Amanda," made me search harder for the answer of these flowers. On Wednesday night around 10:45 I finally was able to see the order confirmation, who they were too, and the loving note that was sent with them.

DH has apparently been having an affair (I have no idea if it is physical or simply emotional) with another co-worker. A subordinate of his. I don't know for how long, or how far...but it was clear by the note that is was a definite violation. I did not sleep Wednesday night, save maybe an hour between 4 and 5am. I had to call a friend to help me get my daughter ready for day care, as I was shaking violently from heart pounding, breaking, all night long.

I did decide during all those long hours however, what I had to do. I already knew that the only reason DH got his fancy Manager job was because of me. the company we work for finds me highly valuable, and the GM (who had heard we were having troubles, one of 2 people up there that did), had already told me without telling me that if it ever came down to it, that I always had a place with the company. So, last Thursday, I went in to my office, printed the evidence I had, and told the GM and the HR director that his Local Sales Manager was having an affair with one of his sales personnel. I had also planned to walk in to the sales meeting and publicly call DH and this woman out in front of the whole sales team, but the GM and HR director made me leave the building, telling me that they would handle this, and that I need to do everything to not be involved so that my job is safe.

DH was "invited to leave" by noon. The OW resigned this morning. 

I am devastated...both by what DH has done, and also because I still feel guilty for "causing" him to lose his job (I know I am not the cause, but I still love him, as little as 5 days ago I thought that he needed my help and support). Right now I'm just going through motions...I have to find a new cheaper place to live, cancel bills, etc. I guess it's good to have tasks, but it's hard to concentrate a bit.

So...I don't know what to do. I can't imagine divorce, and I can't imagine reconciliation at this point. I've been with this man since I was 14...we were married at 18. I am so confused.

So...that's me. 

And now, Angry White Girl Music: P!nk - The king is dead but the queen is alive - YouTube


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

A's are always messy. You have time to decide what to do as to R or D. Write down a list of things you have to do and try to focus on getting those things done. You will find each day to be a struggle but press forward. 

Sorry to see that you are here but you will find support and good advice.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You were very strong through this, didn't overreact and acted completely appropriately. You have the backing of important people and they proved it wasn't lip service. Your reactions and responses are completely normal under the circumstances. You displayed tremendous self control. You are a winner, might not feel like it now because the deceitful unsafety you lived in has now been fully revealed. The state of shock you are in is due to the initial discovery betrayal then the continued betrayal ( adding huge insult to huge injury). You have to just breathe and take it one day at a time. You are going to get through this just great because all evidence points north, after you decide to release him. Give yourself the time and space to emotionally detach from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Calibre12 said:


> You were very strong through this, didn't overreact and acted completely appropriately. You have the backing of important people and they proved it wasn't lip service. Your reactions and responses are completely normal under the circumstances. You displayed tremendous self control. You are a winner,at not feel like it now because the deceitful unsafety you lived in has now been fully revealed. The state of shock you are in is due to the initial discovery betrayal then the continued betrayal ( adding huge insult to huge injury). You have to just breathe and take it one day at a time. You are going to get through this just great because all evidence points north, after you decide to release him. Give yourself the time and space to emotionally detach from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

As bad as it seems, you are ahead of the curve in dealing with this heartache and mess.

The next steps are financial protection and legal counsel, NOW.

Please protect yourself, and be ready for any backlash. The decision making has no time limit, but you would be wise to protect your assets and safety.

So sorry you are here.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AC, you may not realize it now, but you absolutely did the right thing. In fact, you did the exact thing that most here would have advised you to do. A lot of BS's would not have had the courage to do it at all, much less so decisively. 

So; what did you accomplish?

You gave him consequences. 

1) You exposed him so that the A is no longer in the shadows - and it's more likely that the affair will end. It's very possible he'll now throw her under the bus. He lost his job to boot. Too bad for him but that's his fault, not yours. She lost her job. You have to feel good about that.

2) Because of those consequences, he'll have no allusions as to you rug sweeping his betrayal. 

3) IF you want to consider R with him, and you understandably may not, you've begun to test his remorse. If he can accept all those consequences and comes begging you back, then that is step one for him, IF you choose the R path. 

But don't stop there. Expose to his family and your family. If his AP has a spouse/SO, expose to him.

No matter what, you need to start with the divorce. You can always change your mind later, but you need to start the wheels rolling. Another consequence to him. 

So AC, good for you. Whether you knew you were doing the right thing or whether you did it out of compulsive anger; it doesn't matter. A cheating spouse MUST have consequences - and boy did he get them.

If you even want to consider R with him, keep posting, let us know his reactions to all this, and you'll get help with the decision making process.

Nice going.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Oh, and another thing AC. By going to HR and management, you put yourself in a protected category. Protected from any "retaliation" for reporting this violation. Not that you would need it, but believe me, your HR department knows that; and you'll always have that in your back pocket.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

Thanks so much everyone for your responses. I still and struggling a LOT for feeling guilty about this...I guess since we've been together for SO long and I've always defended him (even when some of his decisions weren't the best), I feel like I am some sort of horrible monster. Sure, seeing the OW go was tremendously satisfying, but I guess it's still hard to believe that the person I've been with for more than half my life has done this - not only to me, but to my 16 month old daughter. 

I actually met with a lawyer right after posting earlier, and even THAT was a surreal experience. I felt as we went on that I should stand up for my DH to her...that when she tells me all these things I should go for in temporary orders is just so selfish and I just keep picturing his face getting served. I should feel vindicated I guess but I just feel so spiteful...but since Texas has no legal separation, I have no choice but to start this horrible process. 

Anyway, I will keep you guys posted...I need all the support I can get. And to someone who said I should tell all his friends and family, everyone knows...He won't talk to his friends, wouldn't answer calls or texts when everyone just thought it was depression and he needed help. Now no one has a phone number for him at all...he's run home to his mother's house, and they haven't given me any updates. 

Ugh, this is all so insane.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Oh, and another thing AC. By going to HR and management, you put yourself in a protected category. Protected from any "retaliation" for reporting this violation. Not that you would need it, but believe me, your HR department knows that; and you'll always have that in your back pocket.


Thanks, yes, I know! They made it a very big deal to keep me protected, to let me know as little as possible while it was being dealt with. I really would have loved to walk in to that sales meeting though...I had an Oscar-winning speech prepared and it would have been glorious...but I probably would have been fired... :rofl:


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Write it down baby, sell it to Hollywood. I set my money aside for that movie ticket . It takes one heck of a lot to get me to sit down in a cinema for 2 hours with all those viruses floating around in the air but hecks, that alone has me in line and waiting already to get the flu!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband threw away his wife and child and his career for a pointless affair?

Now, you see, I bet you did not realise how daft he could be when you married him, huh?

*By the way... everything to do with this is all his fault. Everything.*


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Do not own the guilt that belongs to him AC. He knew the consequences and besides, taking your money to buy her flowers?...That alone is more than reasonable cause for guilt release. He had to switch out from diapers to big boy briefs one day, and today is great day to start!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't reach out. Dark on him and follow with the D.
Maybe you could reach out MIL to tell her good bye and thanks (for nothing).
I can garantee you he was hooked up with this woman for more time you can imagine. He didn't decide one fine day to leave you with out the other woman lined up and future plans. What a shame going with you to MC meanwhile so he could save face.
What about OW, is she single? If not please, reach out the her betrayed.

Now everyone knows his true colors I highly doubt he will call you back. I'm sure you believe you need to get "closure". You certainly need it only it won't come from him, it never come feom anyone else, closure comes from within, coming to terms with what happened.

I'm sorry friend. you did the right thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Don't reach out. Dark on him and follow with the D.
> Maybe you could reach out MIL to tell her good bye and thanks (for nothing).
> I can garantee you he was hooked up with this woman for more time you can imagine. He didn't decide one fine day to leave you with out the other woman lined up and future plans. What a shame going with you to MC meanwhile so he could save face.
> What about OW, is she single? If not please, reach out the her betrayed.
> ...


Oh, he probably was depressed. *When he realised what a dastard he was being to his wife and his babe in arms.*


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

He'll be depressed alright, now that he and Cinderella don't have jobs. Time to send yourself a huge bouquet on his bank account - all orchids of the rarest kinds...You deserve it!


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## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

AC, you shouldn't feel guilty at all. Your husband and the OW were the cause of losing their jobs (and your marriage) by having an affair. If OW has a SO, tell him. She should be exposed and held accountable for her misdeeds in her relationship at home, not just work. I have to give you major props for the way you've been so strong in handling this. Most BS's working the same job wouldn't have been as calm and collected as you were bringing their DS and the AP's dirty deeds to light.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

Hi all, thanks so much for your responses. I appreciate it, as I'm still struggling so much in the aftermath of all of this. DH still has not tried to contact me at all. Here are things I know through the grapevine (my family friend talking to his mom): 

- DH was "suicidal" and in a "very dark place" over the weekend - even went missing for 6 hours or so. 
- DH has given the OW his number...not me...and she's been blowing it up nonstop
- DH is apparently back in town today, and has been sending out resumes all day...so I guess suicidal watch is over? 
- DH emailed our GM and asked to meet off the clock to better explain "his side" just so the GM knows. I guess this means that he still does not see his actions as wrong? 

I've met with two lawyers now, I really liked this second one a lot better, so if I move with D, I'll go with her I think. My family friend had told me a couple of weeks ago about some marriage counseling center that basically takes couples for a set of days and has very intensive counseling...basically a last ditch effort. 

As stupid as I feel, I've sent a message through our little grapevine that if he rather spend the money for a D on going to this intense counseling, that I'd be ready to spend the money there instead. I am not expecting a good answer, especially since he's in town...she's in town...and I've had no contact. But I feel as if I have to do this...that I need to feel I did all I could before waving the white flag. 

Fun fact I found out about OW today...apparently she lives with her mom. I can't decide if I should just laugh or be crushed and insulted beyond all measure that THIS is what he'd rather be with. I just don't get it. 

But I guess I'm not meant to.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

AC1701 said:


> Hi all, thanks so much for your responses. I appreciate it, as I'm still struggling so much in the aftermath of all of this. DH still has not tried to contact me at all. Here are things I know through the grapevine (my family friend talking to his mom):
> 
> - DH was "suicidal" and in a "very dark place" over the weekend - even went missing for 6 hours or so.
> - DH has given the OW his number...not me...and she's been blowing it up nonstop
> ...



First off affair partners are almost ALWAYS of lower standing then the spouse. Why? Because if makes the WS feel better in control they feel that of course this person would like me look at where I am and look at where they are. With men it is almost always someone of lower economic profile for women it is almost always someone lower in attractiveness. So don't feel bad this is standard stuff you are fitting into the normal of affairs. I know that suck but very very few affair are special snowflakes instead they are morbidly predictable and sad tawdry things. After all we all crap the same as vulgar as that sounds.

Now lets talk about your offer quite frankly to little time has gone by for him to really grasp the ramifications of his actions and want to come back he is still in the fog which is kind of like a crack addict. Right now they are still in the we are soulmates stuff if you really want to give you M a chance you will need to file then proceed as if you are going to D only if you get new info and what you think is remorse THEN you can look at counseling. He is just not there yet. Oh and be mindful you are a great person his affair his lack of morals. You are still a beautiful women and a great spouse he is just and idiot.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have to start thinking that this affair has been going on for a lot longer than you think, as Acabado has suggested. He left two months ago & was planning that well before that time probably.

You've done the right things in any event. You've taken decisive action and taken control away from him. He thought he could separate from you and declare irreconcilable differences and then when you two were divorced, he could magically introduce his new love. This way they wouldn't look like homewreckers. Unfortunately, this is standard planning for cheaters.

He doesn't control the scenario anymore, though. You shook that up and gave him consequences. This was great. You have been very strong.

I know this is hurtful and very, very difficult. Your H, though, is not the man you thought he was. He simply doesn't have your back anymore. You need to control your life. You're doing a great job in a very hard situation.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I know this is hurtful and very, very difficult. Your H, though, is not the man you thought he was. He simply doesn't have your back anymore. You need to control your life. You're doing a great job in a very hard situation.


Thanks again all...this statement above is the hardest pill to swallow. I can logically agree with everyone, and I'm sure would give the same advice to anyone else. I guess it's just physically impossible for me to believe right now that DH is not the person that I've known for over half my life. Like I said, logically I can see this...but it's so impossible to believe. 

Found an apartment today, the rental company has a for rent sign in my yard now...as snooty as it sounds, I've never lived in an apartment before, so that's a little intimidating to me. But it's a very nice place. Just trying to focus on what I can control right now...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Just absolutely brilliant...The snake in the grass WH and his sleazy AP both brought low with almost no effort on your part....

Be assured that worm will be crawling back...Now it is your turn....Take your own sweet time making up your mind about R...In the mean time file for D and have him served...

You can always stop the process if you choose, and he will know he is playing hardball in the big leagues with a little league bat.... 

In the interim, expose, expose, expose....Expose him to all his friends, family, your family and friends...everyone he comes in contact needs to know what a slug he is....Make him ashamed to show his cheating face in decent society........

Get your finances under control...Empty any account he has access to, and cancel any credit cards that he uses......Leave him as broke as you can...Make him see that he is nothing, and will remain that way because of his cheating ways......

Only you can decide if you will let him come back, just remember, you have his testicles in the palm of your hand, and the amount of pressure you apply is totally your decision.....

There is no need to be gentle.....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

AC1701 said:


> - DH emailed our GM and asked to meet off the clock to better explain "his side" just so the GM knows. I guess this means that he still does not see his actions as wrong?


That's for sure. To beging with he will deny it was an affair, they started talking after he left you. It was surely a poor choice start "dating" again with a coworker as he know this is probably discouraged in the company (skipping the fact she's a subordinate) BUT... they are currently just starting this, it's not a physical relationship at all and he sent the flowers out of gratitude as she was helping him mourning the loss of the marriage, so they had still to decide what was actually going on before taking the decision to change jobs. Everythings was very premature as the decision to fire him was.
He will drop it's just favoritism, a unfair decision based exclusively in the fact that...


AC1701 said:


> I already knew that the only reason DH got his fancy Manager job was because of me. the company we work for finds me highly valuable, and the GM (who had heard we were having troubles, one of 2 people up there that did), had already told me without telling me that if it ever came down to it, that I always had a place with the company.


...GM is a close friend of his vindictive STBXW.

Along with the the intoxicating entitlement which comes with sucess I smell a little of passive agressive revenge on his part, given he resents the fact he got the job just becasue of you.

I believe he won't even call you. Sorry friend. I feel at least you would like to have the option. 
If I'm right he will try to deny the whole thing at work and he's probably gaslighting the hell out his own mom (hence she didn't call you). You has been demonized. He will single the fact he suggested MC as a last resort but he has to scape the misery you has been bringin to him for years and years... He will say that making him to get fired is just the last straw and there's no way back.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> That's for sure. To beging with he will deny it was an affair, they started talking after he left you. It was surely a poor choice start "dating" again with a coworker as he know this is probably discouraged in the company (skipping the fact she's a subordinate) BUT... they are currently just starting this, it's not a physical relationship at all and he sent the flowers out of gratitude as she was helping him mourning the loss of the marriage, so they had still to decide what was actually going on before taking the decision to change jobs. Everythings was very premature as the decision to fire him was.
> He will drop it's just favoritism, a unfair decision based exclusively in the fact that......GM is a close friend of his vindictive STBXW.
> 
> Along with the the intoxicating entitlement which comes with sucess I smell a little of passive agressive revenge on his part, given he resents the fact he got the job just becasue of you.
> ...


^^ I bet this is exactly what is happening. That's the story he's spinning. Please keep yourself protected. If you are close to your boss, make sure he knows that this didn't start after you separated and that the separation came because of the affair.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

Again, logically I agree with you all...and as each hour goes by that I hear nothing, not a call, not an email...I feel that unfortunately everyone is right. I am waffling between being so devastated and so angry. And then even angry at myself for having put SO much of my self-worth and value in to what he thinks and feels through the years...for turning a blind eye or making excuses for him for so many years because I wanted to make him happy. How is it that I can spend so much time and energy on one person, and this is what is repayed? 

Again, all of this would be almost tolerable if it was just me. I could almost deal with it...but the fact that he is also walking out on his 16 month old daughter...the child we tried 5 years for and supposedly he prayed for...he promised to always be there for HER too. And now he can't even bother himself to pick up the phone and check on her. It makes me so sick. My parents were together for 47 years, until my dad passed away just this last February...I can't imagine growing up the way my daughter is going to have to.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It seems you did some snooping after he dropped the bomb nad noticed he wasn't into MC. The flowers receipt was a slip. Think about this scenario. He's having an affair with a subordinate, he wants to leave for her but he can't do it openly, they planed it the usual way: taking it underground, fabricating the origin of the separation, saving face at MC, being sure people knows about marriage problems wich ultimately would lead to divorce and then and only then introduce OW as a new beggining, legitimate relationship.
Working together complicated things but they could deal with it as things come, with HR... whatever, on their own terms. They overstimated, as usual, their power and capacity of control, he got lazy and slipped with the flowers. Sh!t hit the fun. You destroyed the plans.

Just for your peace of mind I encourage you to snoop as long in the past as you could, to find out when they started this: phone bill, tracing the money... HR can probably have intel if they used company resources as emails, etc. 
And no mistake, even if they started this after the ILYBIANILWY speech and separation (which I don't believe it for a minute) it's not right, you were going to MC, he was playing you, betraying you, lying and cheating on you... and his works ettics and responsability sucks anyway.

I'm sorry friend, hanging there. It shall pass, I promise.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

AC1701, he isn't the man you married now. He changed via his addiction to betraying. His desire to betray you and your child is so strong that it means more to him than the two of you do. Not that he is intentionally trying to hurt you, but simply doesn't care if he does or not.

As hard as it sounds, divorce is your only answer. He will never again be the man you used to know and love. Time to look forward as best you can- as hard as it is. 

Also, I think it is important to file before he does so you can better dictate the terms. That sounds vindictive but it is practical and you do so to best protect you and your child. It needs to be done.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> AC1701, he isn't the man you married now. He changed via his addiction to betraying. His desire to betray you and your child is so strong that it means more to him than the two of you do. Not that he is intentionally trying to hurt you, but simply doesn't care if he does or not.
> 
> As hard as it sounds, divorce is your only answer. He will never again be the man you used to know and love. Time to look forward as best you can- as hard as it is.
> 
> Also, I think it is important to file before he does so you can better dictate the terms. That sounds vindictive but it is practical and you do so to best protect you and your child. It needs to be done.


As hard as it is to swallow, I have no choice to agree. I found a charge on the bank account this morning for a lawyer, so it looks like I have his answer. My biggest regret right now is that I didn't make it to the bank yesterday like I had planned, but with a 16 month old I had to go by her schedule. 

I withdrew the remaining money this morning, then called and reported my husbands card missing, so at least he can't keep draining the account. His check was not deposited, so he basically used MY money to pay this lawyer. My check was supposed to have been a physical check, but apparently that hadn't changed in time with my company. 

So, here we go I guess. I called my lawyer and told her it looks like we're pulling this trigger. I guess I'm lucky that most of my tears were drained in May after all this "started" for me. I have none left for this. Enjoying some quiet time while my LO naps and heading to a BBQ with friends later.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Regarding your work and reputation there, please pay attention to the scenario that Acabado outlined above. These two planned this long ago probably. They orchestrated the separation, used MC as a cover and were going to introduce the OW as a 'new love' well after the fact. This way they could cover their as*es at work and keep their reputations intact.

Please don't let your H snow your GM in any way. I know you're tired and sad, but keep snooping to find out what you can. You need to protect yourself and your daughter & you need to scr*w your BH at work. Don't let him talk himself out of the firing that he deserves.


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## AC1701 (May 14, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Regarding your work and reputation there, please pay attention to the scenario that Acabado outlined above. These two planned this long ago probably. They orchestrated the separation, used MC as a cover and were going to introduce the OW as a 'new love' well after the fact. This way they could cover their as*es at work and keep their reputations intact.
> 
> Please don't let your H snow your GM in any way. I know you're tired and sad, but keep snooping to find out what you can. You need to protect yourself and your daughter & you need to scr*w your BH at work. Don't let him talk himself out of the firing that he deserves.


Oh I'm not worried about H snowing the GM. As far as my company is concerned, they aren't going to touch him with a 10 foot pole now. The GM has not written him back. He is gone, the paperwork is done, we are a public company so there's no "getting out of it" now.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How are you doing?


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