# Common Problem?



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I've been on this forum for a few months now and it seems like I've seen two common themes. I'm curious about others' opinions on whether this problem is as common as it seems and also the reasons for it.

Theme #1: I'm generalizing a lot here, but there seems to be a lot of women who come here frustrated because they feel like they've fallen out of love with their husbands, they don't desire sex from their husbands, etc. Their husbands are great guys, good providers, good friends, etc. but the wife just doesn't feel passion or attraction anymore.

Theme #2: The other large group of posters are basically the husbands of these women in theme #1. Men who come here frustrated because their wives won't fulfill their sexual needs. Their wives may even acknowledge the problem but don't seem willing or able to solve it.

The stories of these people are almost eerily similar. You hear these same problems crop up over and over and over. I'm curious about why this problem seems to be so prevalent. It's close to me because I was one of those women who wasn't attracted to their husband. I ended up leaving and I'm now with a new guy who I'm very attracted to but I worry that I will end up in the same place a year or 3 years or 10 years down the road.

Some of the reasons for this problem, in my opinion, might be:

1. Our conservative culture - Whether from a religious upbringing or just our cultural bias that sex is somehow "dirty", a lot of young people are told not to engage in sex and not to talk about it, especially in healthy mature ways. I know that my mother never pulled me aside before my wedding day to ask me whether I was sexually compatible with my future husband. But why not? It's such a big part of marriage but nobody talks much about it before hand. I just happened to see an online article about "10 signs that he's a keeper". Not one of the 10 signs talked about sexual compatibility. There are tons of these types of lists of things to discuss or consider before marriage - financial issues, whether you want children, common goals, etc. But rarely is sex drive listed as one of the things to discuss. I think the underlying message to women is that it isn't that important. A lot of women, myself included, find a "nice guy" who is a good friend and a good provider and that seems like enough. We may not be overly attracted to him but that doesn't seem like a big deal until 10 years down the road.

2. The "nice guy" affect or feminization of men - I know that some of the guys on here are instructed by MEM and Deejo and some of the other regular posters that they need to become less available to their women, make their women a little less secure in the relationship, have some conflict. I think they are right. Our culture now is so focused on making men and women equal in every regard (jobs, child rearing, housework, etc) that this has spilled over into our basic interaction with each other. Women are told to be more dominant, men more passive. But this seems to ruin some of the natural sexual tension that should exist in a relationship. In the "10 signs" article I mentioned above, several of the signs were things like "he's kind to animals, he shows you he cares, he can handle your emotions, he's there for you, etc." I'm not saying those things aren't important or that guys should be mean and insensitive, but the underlying message is that a guy should be a woman's lapdog, constantly showing you love and affection and making you feel secure. Maybe this message is going too far.

What do other people think? Are we doomed?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

You might be onto something there, but I believe that "lust" is the main thing that gets in the way. For a lot of people, they get "lust" confused with "love" and believe they are compatible enough to get married.

When the "lust" wears off - which it invariably does to some degree, they discover that the "love" they thought was there - isn't, it was all the "lust" getting in the way.


That's how I felt with my first marriage. I realize now as I've matured that what I felt for my first husband was "lust" - not really "love", I was just too young and too many hormones running wild to tell the difference. And when the "lust" went there was no "love" to keep things going.

How I feel in my second marriage is completely different. I still have the "lust" for my husband, after 25 years, so that tells me that I do truly "love" him also.

For me - that's the main issue. I think that we should prohibit all men/women from even thinking about marrying until at least age 25 or older. By this time, the raging hormones have settled some and they can tell the difference between "lust" and "love." 

JMHO


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

MarriedWife - You give me hope. I really thought that the "lust" feeling just disappears in every relationship. I thought that was just normal. It's true it does fade, you'll probably never be as hot for each other as you are that first year, but I'm glad to know that it doesn't have to completely and totally disappear either.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Deleted, because it was just unproductive whining.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I can say I never asked myself any of the questions posted here or thought about it until I came to TAM and kept seeing it spammed everywhere. I will say that at TAM there are a fair share of women who complain their men do not have enough sex with them as well but lack of sex in marriage seems to be a biggie.

16 years with and 14 years married and still in lust here and it's mutual thankfully. There are moments where it is as strong or stronger for me now than when we first met and moments when I want to strangle him--haha. I think we do this by constantly engaging one another, not being afraid to try new things and discovering new things about each other, together. I don't know but I seriously love my husband. I think it also helps that I'm a little up and down emotionally and this creates a type of constant excitement (although sometimes is very difficult!). My husband and I are really well matched. If you're with someone you adore and he's as in to you as you are into him, jump and don't look back. I think it's worth it.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I've never had that lust feeling but I've had good relationships and now a good marriage. I've always wondered why lust is so important? I guess I wonder that because I've never had it (due to my orientation). I'm not sure why women don't have sex with their husbands just because they don't crave it or lust after it.. I've done it all my life and there has been no problems. It's a lot of fun, you get to see your partner happy afterwards.. where is the problem there? I always thought it was kinda like food (oh ohh the food analogy again!) - Would you knock back a huge piece of chocolate just because you don't crave it? I don't know about you guys but I sure as hell wouldn't!  It's still fun to eat and tastes okay too. 

Err yeah weird analogy but you get the general idea.


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## az_wife (Nov 18, 2010)

I can truly say that I not only love my H but I lust and desire him. We have a long history...I meet him when I was 18, he was 39 and in the mist of a divorce from his 1st wife of 20+yrs....even though we both had feelings for each other at that time he was afraid of our age difference and what my family would think...I eventually meet and married and had a baby, that marriage didn't last and I divorced him a few yrs later I ran into him and th feelings were still there, we married when I was 26 he was 47. I have to say that I love him and lust after him more now than I did 20yrs agoand he has been the only man who can still make my knees weak! I believe that having a solid sexual relationship is one of the foundations of a good marriage but it comes through communication.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

justonelife said:


> MarriedWife - You give me hope. I really thought that the "lust" feeling just disappears in every relationship. I thought that was just normal. It's true it does fade, you'll probably never be as hot for each other as you are that first year, but I'm glad to know that it doesn't have to completely and totally disappear either.


 Accually, everything about me & my husband is somehow backwards & upside down. I have more lust NOW than I did when I was younger -in the beginning of our relationship even. I am so upset with myself for repressing my sexuality. I wanted to be such a "good girl"- How boring is that !! 

I agree with you that SEX and compatibilty should be a consideration, on the list !!! 2 of my older sons want to remain virgins until married, this is great but I sure hope they do a little exploring with thier girlfriends -even if not intercourse to KNOW what kind of sex drive they are marrying or I think it could be a collosel mistake inviting tons of heartache. 

I don't think these things need to fade at all- if both partners desire to keep each other happy & fullfilled. It helps when both are lustful and desirous & only use each other for their only outlet. Not masterbating to porn or using toys without their partner. 

Every relationship is different. Although I LOVE some conflict- always have , always will. One thing I personally wouldn't like at all is if my husband was less available- putting space between us thinking this would help our marraige. I KNOW me & that approach would not work wonders with me at all.  I would cause ME to go the other way. His closeness does NOT hinder My sexual attraction, he probably would like it if it did -just a little. 

But I dont deny that works for some women. I am just NOT one of those women.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I do agree that people should discuss sexual compatibility before they get married. I dopn't know that they necessarily need to be perfectly in sync, but they at least need to be able to compromise and agree on what they can both deal with as being an acceptable sex life. 

As for the other...while I don't want a man to be my "lapdog" and just go along with anything and everything, I also don't want him being controlling or doing anything that makes me insecure. Now, of course, in that is my responsibility to not let every little thing make me insecure. But, to me, the point of any long term committed relationship, whether married or not, is the sense of security. The knowledge that this person is with you, is committed to you, loves you and wants to be with you. For him to deliberately try to make me insecure in that is not going to make our relationship better; it will make it suffer. It doesn't create sexual tension for me; in truth, it would make me back off from sex because I can't have sex with someone if I'm insecure about him and our relationship. 

I think he needs to be a man with his own opinions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings, definitely. And I think he needs to be able and willing to stand up for those things. If that creates a conflict naturally, that's fine. We can work through that. But I don't believe in creating an artificial conflict just to spice up the relationship or something like that.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

To clarify - I didn't mean that a man should make a woman feel insecure in the relationship. But he shouldn't make her feel like he would stick around no matter what either. He needs to have some self-respect and boundaries about what he will accept.

There's a balance between a man being affectionate and loving and becoming a doormat. Affection creates loving feelings in a wife. Beint a doormat means she loses respect and therefore desire for him.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

justonelife said:


> To clarify - I didn't mean that a man should make a woman feel insecure in the relationship. But he shouldn't make her feel like he would stick around no matter what either. He needs to have some self-respect and boundaries about what he will accept.
> 
> There's a balance between a man being affectionate and loving and becoming a doormat. Affection creates loving feelings in a wife. Beint a doormat means she loses respect and therefore desire for him.


I know you didn't mean that. But some of the men on here who talk about that...I get the impression they do mean that. And that kind of irks me. I have enough of my own insecurities without some guy deliberately making it worse, ya know?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

The problem is marriage is an outdated concept created as a type of wealth transaction between families. Love only came into the picture in the last 100 years. Plus we are living longer. It was one thing to be married until death do you part when you are considered old at 40 and are dead by 50. But these days we live until our 70's or 80's.

Biologically we all all programmed only to maintain a high sexual interest in a partner for a few years, the time when conception is the biological imperative. Staying married for decades on end runs against this imperative and a 50% divorce rate and a 25% sexless marriage rate is testament to this.

Porn is a multibillion dollar business because it taps into this by catering to married men's need for newness and variety in order to attain a high level of sexual arousal.

Marriage should be a 20 year renewable contract. 20 years being enough time to have kids and raise them up. After that renewing is optional without penalties or hard feelings should people refuse to renew.... and I think it would be an option few would take. We would all be a lot happier if we could have three or four close, longer term relationships in a lifetime instead of being trapped in one.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mr B said:


> The problem is marriage is an outdated concept created as a type of wealth transaction between families. Love only came into the picture in the last 100 years. Plus we are living longer. It was one thing to be married until death do you part when you are considered old at 40 and are dead by 50. But these days we live until our 70's or 80's.
> 
> Biologically we all all programmed only to maintain a high sexual interest in a partner for a few years, the time when conception is the biological imperative. Staying married for decades on end runs against this imperative and a 50% divorce rate and a 25% sexless marriage rate is testament to this.
> 
> ...


Your thoughts on this gave me the yucks. Marriage is a choice not a requirement. You can stay unmarried and find like minded women who prefer to go in and out of relationships. When you enter a relationship, I do hope you declare this right up front so your partner has a chance to run or decide your ideals match with theirs.

Citing the high divorce rate as backup to your belief is ridiculous. People divorce for all sorts of reasons and there are so many current trends that affect that. Is it possible a certain percentage of divorces happen because the spouses can't handle a 60 year commitment? Sure, but it's not the sole reason or even a big reason why most people get divorced. If an inability to connect and stay with one person because we live so long were a reason for the divorce rate, most divorces would happen about 20 years into marriage, but most marriages only last till 8 years in the U.S. Not even enough time to successfully raise one child.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Interesting. I think we focus too much in our society on being in that honeymoon love stage all during the marriage, especially after being married for a long time. I think one would learn to love someone after being married 15 plus years if they were married to a kind person. My grandparents from both sides were married 50 years and I don't think they worried much about being sexy or retaining that honeymoon feeling for their entire marriage. They were more interested in whether they were married to a good person who was kind and provided for the family. I was talking with my great Aunt who is 92 a few days ago, and she said that in her day if someone had divorced and given "falling out of love" as the reason, people would have thought they had lost their mind.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think people have a warped view of love these days. Romance novels, movies, TV shows all give us this idea that you should be in that honeymoon phase forever. They essentially tell us that the honeymoon phase is love. I look at my grandparents, and my parents, who've been married 62 and 34 years respectively, as my examples of love and commitment. My grandmother has told me before that she simply doesn't believe in divorce; said she removed it from her dictionary because if she didn't, she'd have divorced my grandpa two days in, and this leaves her with only killing him as an option, and she doesn't like the thought of jail, so... LOL

Seriously, though, I look at them. They drive each other crazy sometimes, they fight and make up, they have differing opinions, they frustrate each other. And in the end, they still go to bed together every night and get up together every morning, knowing that they love each other and that even if they don't feel that long quite so strongly now, it's still there. 

My boyfriend and I are having a pretty rough time right now. I love him, and I know he loves me. It's not the same as it was in the very beginning, and it never will be. But, I believe that once we work through our problems and get our relationship back on solid ground, the love will be stronger than it's ever been. But it will never be that honeymoon phase love again. That would only occur again if we got new relationships, and we're both more commitment minded people.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yes, well, people often take each other for granted. That insta-kills attraction because we forget to see there's much more to learn about our spouses than we know. We just assume we know it all. 

Secondly, there's resentment. If some of us would learn to occasionally wipe the bad memories out with a sponge and never bring them back into conversation we wouldn't keep a grudge and we'd get along a lot better. 

Thirdly some change throughout our lives and forget to communicate their new "personality" and needs to their spouses who naturally assume all has remained the same. If both change like this two-three times throughout 20-30 years they'll end up feeling like they've "fallen out of love" and they are living with a stranger. Whose fault is that? Again, no taking for granted and paying attention is a wise choice in my opinion. 

As a lady i think pretty smart once said : all people have 3-4 meaningful relationships/marriages throughout their lives. It's just that some know how to and decide to have them all with the same person. I want to be a part of the latter. 

If the three things above are well managed, attraction isn't as hard to understand as people think. Once people understand how they work and what attracts them, and their spouses do to, they can keep on being attracted to them for the majority of your marriage. That's just how i view things.


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