# humor or should i be concerned



## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

My husband regularly jokes around about stress and then says he's going to kill the family. He says it jokingly but is that normal? I respond by saying you are not right. I say let me know before you get to that point. He says nope wife first. Then laughs like it's no big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Uh, no ... I fail to see the humor in killing. We recently had a spate of senseless killings by deranged people in this country. 

Does your husband own any firearms?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I don't thinks it's normal, and I don't think it's funny. If my husband said that I would call him on it and it wouldn't be a laughing matter. My take, it's creepy, not a joking matter, just too many headlines about this really happening.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Does he keep a gun in the house?

Just curious.

Edited to add

I see another poster had the same question. For good reason.

I'd tell him you're uncomfortable with his jokes and to please refrain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's not funny at all. People often use humor to express the truth under cover. In my way of thinking, believe what people say. 

Last week a 15 year old boy in Albuquerque shot his parents and his 3 sibling, killing them all. The father was my the pastor of my youngest brothers' church. So my brother knew the family well.

There are some things you just do not joke about.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Nope it snot humor.
Not even "dark " humor....

You should be concerned.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I'll joke about just about anything even those taboo subjects that can really offend the heck out of some people.

But a husband joking to his wife about killing her and the kids?

Something ain't quite right there.

Sometimes people with OCD can get these horrible, obsessive ruminating thoughts that they're going to do something violent to someone else. That's not abnormal, it has something to do with how the brain works and how we handle acceptable versus unacceptable behaviors and sometimes that crazy part of our personalities that wants to go against the grain sort of squeeze out a few crazy ideas.

That's a lot different than acting on them.

Maybe hubby is experiencing those troubling thoughts and doesn't know what to do about it.

Consider asking him why he seems to derive pleasure, comfort, or satisfaction by joking about such a dark subject. Ask him if he ever does seriously have homicidal thoughts because there is a possibility that he's got some issues that need to be dealt with, and you can start with OCD.

Here's one link I found

The Different Types of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | OCD-UK

This one's better, it will open a pdf file.

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...A4rWcZDkFTEWsOQ&bvm=bv.41524429,d.dmQ&cad=rja


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

No guns in the house thankfully.
I thank you for your input. Just didn't want to say anything if it was just me who thought it was weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's distasteful, for sure. It can be a sign of someone with deviant thoughts, but yes, it can also be intended completely as a joke. 

Before coming to either conclusion, I'd ask myself whether I see any other signs of risk in him: 

-withdrawing from others
- fascination with killing scenes in movies (talking about them afterward in excess detail, for instance, or describing how he would do it differently)
- any history of violence
- his overall sense of humor

But if you don't like it, you have every right to ask him to stop. If it scares you, you have every right and reason to get to a safe place.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Not right and I'd probably take it as a threat.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Make sure your will is up to date.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband plays a lot of video games, right? Are a lot of the games about shooting people?


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Yes he plays war games all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There's an element of truth in every joke.

Your H is desperate. He is stressed. Killing the family has crossed his mind but he quickly dismisses it because it's not socially accepted.

However...it's in his mind. He is homicidal and suicidal. If it were me, the next time he said it, I would call the cops. No joke. Have that man evaluated. It's not a joke. He says it, you don't laugh and he says it again. Not cool. ALmost like he's warning you.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Last night he played til 3:30 in the morning. He is going back on now to play more. He plays all weekends. Some weekdays. Would that have anything to do with his behavior?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he should get another job with all that time he wastes killing his brain cells. No wonder he has money issues. I don't understand these boys who dress up like men.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

How long has he been doing this?

It's not normal and I would be unnerved too. He's thought about it. Maybe only transiently, but the idea has crossed his mind. At the least, he's letting you know he's having trouble coping with current stress. 

Is there a male relative he could talk to? A family friend? If not, you could talk to him about perhaps speaking to a pastor or counselor, and if he's agreeable, arrange it for him. He needs to find an outlet--someone he trusts to help him figure out solutions to whatever is weighing on his mind. 

I'd suggest getting him support, telling him you're there for him to discuss anything that's on his mind, and also letting him know you don't want to hear the jokes anymore. If it persists, then I'd probably warn him that the next time he does it, I'm taking it seriously.


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

You should be concerned. This is not normal, in any way.

Coupled with a therapist telling you that your husband is a sociopath, this is more than disturbing. What are you waiting for?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cogo123 said:


> Last night he played til 3:30 in the morning. He is going back on now to play more. He plays all weekends. Some weekdays. Would that have anything to do with his behavior?


I was just talking to my brother, the one who knew the pastor's family that was killed. The topic of killing in video games came up. That 15 year old was not allowed to play that kind of game at home. But apparently he did play them at the houses of his friends.

My brother says that the military sometimes uses simulators to teach people to kill as most people have a block to killing. He was listening to some big named psychiatrist who was talking about the elementary school killing a month or so ago. The Phsych. was saying that many of the video games are desensitizing many to the idea of killing just like the simulators that the military uses.

While they do not affect everyone that way, I think that they might affect some that way. And a grown man who spends most of his free time playing games where he’s killing what appear to be other humans has serious emotional/mental health issues. 

So yea, I think that since your husband is spending hours a day ‘killing’ his threats could very well be coming from the way he spends most of his time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cogo123 said:


> Last night he played til 3:30 in the morning. He is going back on now to play more. He plays all weekends. Some weekdays. Would that have anything to do with his behavior?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like an addiction to me. And he gives you some quality time ... when? I'd be very nervous around this man. In fact, without meaning this in a snarky way, why are you with him? And he's a sociopath? 

If that diagnosis is accurate, I'd be gone. Yesterday.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds like an addiction to me. And he gives you some quality time ... when? I'd be very nervous around this man. In fact, without meaning this in a snarky way, why are you with him? And he's a sociopath?
> 
> If that diagnosis is accurate, I'd be gone.
> Yesterday.


I'm only here because of finances. I work full time but make less than $45,000 yr. 
It's difficult to live on one income. Our house is upside down on the mortgage. Neither of us can afford alone. I am stuck! I know bankruptcy is better than being dead. I need to keep looking for ways out. He spends time with me grocery shopping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Cogo123 said:


> I'm only here because of finances.


Ok, so there are a few more details that filtered out besides the main one

Lets summarize

- your husband jokes about killing you and the rest of the family
- he is obsessed with, and addicted to violent computer games that occupy much, if not most of his free time
- he's been diagnosed as a sociopath by a licensed mental health professional - please confirm this to be true, it was posted by someone else I guess from something you wrote on another thread.
- your marriage is in big trouble, in fact the ONLY reason you are still together is due to finances.
- lots of family pets have been disappearing from the neighborhood lately. Primarily small dogs, cats, rabbits, that sort of thing. Please confirm this to be true, it's a guess on my part. 

This paints a rather bleak picture.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Cogo123 said:


> I'm only here because of finances.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok I take back what I wrote. If you're there for the money, in fairness you can't demand anything of him. He probably has a sense of your reasons for sticking around and may just be trying to get under your skin with such comments. You should leave if you don't care about him. $45,000 is enough to get by on if you make the lifestyle changes.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cogo123 said:


> I'm only here because of finances. I work full time but make less than $45,000 yr. It's difficult to live on one income.


Believe me, I hear ya. People freak out over bankruptcy. Unfortuantely, it is becoming more the norm in a weak economy. I'm not advocating everyone run out and file, but your income is going to be a moot point if this man delivers on his "jokes."



Cogo123 said:


> He spends time with me grocery shopping.


And how is that working for you?


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> - he's been diagnosed as a sociopath by a licensed mental health professional - please confirm this to be true, it was posted by someone else I guess from something you wrote on another thread.


On another thread she said he was diagnosed by someone who was treating _her_. The diagnosis was based on her descriptions. This person never actually met her husband.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> - your husband jokes about killing you and the rest of the family
> - he is obsessed with, and addicted to violent computer games that occupy much, if not most of his free time
> - he's been diagnosed as a sociopath by a licensed mental health professional - please confirm this to be true, it was posted by someone else I guess from something you wrote on another thread.
> - your marriage is in big trouble, in fact the ONLY reason you are still together is due to finances.
> - lots of family pets have been disappearing from the neighborhood lately. Primarily small dogs, cats, rabbits, that sort of thing. Please confirm this to be true, it's a guess on my part.


Cogo, PLEASE veryify this. I don't know your background, but if this is true, you have a sh!tload more to worry about than an upside-down mortgage.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Anabel said:


> On another thread she said he was diagnosed by someone who was treating _her_. The diagnosis was based on her descriptions. This person never actually met her husband.


Ok, then that interpretation is meaningless.

** Not diagnosed as sociopath **


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

No she never actually seen him. He thinks going is a waste of time. Her diagnosis is based on my experiences with him. He has issues I agree with that. I have tried to leave in the past but he cries and says he will change. It lasts about a week and he is right back to where he was. My 11 yr old spoke with the psychologist and she said I need to move on for his sake. He doesn't do anything with him but tell him what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It does sound like finances is a crappy reason to stay if you're that close to leaving AND he's behaving this way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anabel said:


> Ok I take back what I wrote. If you're there for the money, in fairness you can't demand anything of him. He probably has a sense of your reasons for sticking around and may just be trying to get under your skin with such comments. You should leave if you don't care about him. $45,000 is enough to get by on if you make the lifestyle changes.


I've been following Cogo's posts for a long time now.

When she started here she did care about her husband and her marriage and was concerned about his computer game addiction, his being mean to their son and his refusing to spend any time with her.

He has not cared about her for a very long time now.

She has tried many things to improve her marriage. She has reached the current 'I don't care' state only recently. Things like not caring about the marriage usually have a long history behind them.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I guess I am scared to be on my own not knowing what will happen to me filing for banruptcy. His sister even notices changes in him and has given up all contact with him because he chooses to ignore her too. He has no friends except those on his video game as he plays online. So many things to consider before making the move. Lawyers are costly too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any family you and your son can go stay with for a while?


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't think my parents can handle the lifestyle change. Having an 11yr old your daughter and an 18 yr old is a big change. I am sure they would help but told my sisters that it would be hard for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Thanks Ele. I think I may try a family member for help with staying somewhere. I appreciate your comments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's such a shame that you cannot just take that darn computer and throw it out the window.

If you did file for divorce he would most likely have to give you some support. So maybe that would help?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why can't she toss the computer?

I'd give it a virus. Dang.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Becuase of his comments about killing you and the kids, do not tell him when you are getting ready to leave. Just do it.

You can have the police help you later. They can escort you to the house so you can get your things.

If at all possible get a VAR and have it on you. If you can get a recording of him saying he's going to kill you and the kids you might beable to force him to get help. And at least you would have proof of him making the threats.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

No, there's nothing normal about continually joking about killing your family. He might be stressed and using the video games as a release/escape, the problem is that it sounds like he might be addicted to the games and has resisted more constructive outlets for his stress. His disengagement from you and any real interaction with the child is also another red flag to me. 

At the very least, you should call him on it the next time he "jokes" this way and let him know that you will not stand for it and that he is driving you away with his behavior. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why can't she toss the computer?
> 
> I'd give it a virus. Dang.


A computer with a virus can be recovered very easily. Just re-install the operating system.. like window.

But throwing it out the window, or putting it in a bath tub full of water, or running it over with the car, or using a sledge hammer on it.. now those things work.

She could get rid of the computer. Then she will have his rage to deal with. 

I now one woman who caught her husband using cheating sites to have meetups with married women. She threw away their computer. Put it out with the trash on pick-up day. She definately made her point


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would. I'd deal with the rage. Eff that guy. You say you're going to kill me? Seriously? Joke or not, that is sadistic. Bring it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Cogo123 said:


> My husband regularly jokes around about stress and then says he's going to kill the family. He says it jokingly but is that normal? I respond by saying you are not right. I say let me know before you get to that point. He says nope wife first. Then laughs like it's no big deal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not normal at all. I'd be worrried about this.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cogo, I take back what I said about it could still be a joke. The more you write, the more I think you need to take it seriously.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I've been following Cogo's posts for a long time now.
> 
> When she started here she did care about her husband and her marriage and was concerned about his computer game addiction, his being mean to their son and his refusing to spend any time with her.
> 
> ...


I didn't mean to imply she was never in love with him or that she hasn't tried.

The thing is, if she's there solely for financial reasons at this point, he is bound to know it, and it could be like a continuous rain of nuclear bombs on his ego. Even more so since it doesn't sound like he has many friends/family to fall back on. It's the kind of thing that brings on psychotic breaks. He's joking about killing her, and it won't get any better if she doesn't want to try to fix it anymore. Just my gut feeling on this, but I think for the sake of her and her husband's safety, seriously, she should be concerned with preserving his dignity as much as she can. She should be as gentle as possible about it, but she should leave and not drag it out anymore. I could be completely wrong, but that's how it seems to me.


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