# Well...this came on quick and hit like a brick



## DISOLUTIONED (Nov 29, 2008)

I have been reading thru some of the posts here and see some big resemblences to my current situation. A little history, myself 39yrs old, my wife 37yrs old. we met a little over 10 yrs ago and it was a extremely good relationship as far as us. We woluld talk, giggle, play, horse around, and just plain enjoyed every moment together no matter what we were doing like little kids. i was always the breadwinner and she the stay home mom for the 6, yes i said 6 kids we have. She and I both have 3 from previous relationships and they all lived with us. The first few years were pretty interesting merging this size of a family. we went thru some down right bizzare happenings beside the normal things that go along with the family thing. From one of her 3yrs old twins catching the house on fire and destroying it to my ex being upset my wife and I were doing so well and breaking into our home 1 week before christmas and destroying the place. We got thru anything and everything that was thrown our way without loosing the Love and companionship we had for each other. So... fast forward to the last year and half. My wife starts volunteering at our sons football league and becomes a board member. She spends most of her free time as well as the magority of my days off gone at different functions for the league and games. She wants to get a job so she volanteer's for the schools our children go to and gets offered a job part time. She does extremely well and gets offered a full time job the next school yr. Although I realy miss the time I was able to spend with her, I try my best to be support her in this. ( I realy didnt like it at all to tell the truth. i for the last year and half have had to put in 55-60hrs a week to keep up with the expectations of the teenage yrs of the kids) Well her comes the last few things. 3 months ago she gets the ability to add the family to her employers health ins. A savings of about $900 a month out of pocket for us thru mine. This being the big plus she and I have discussed with her new job several times. We talk about it the morning before she and I head to work and agreed she would bring the 3 different plans home with her that evening for us to look over. That did not happen, instead she chose for us and never let me so much as help in the choice. I was upset and hurt. we calmly argued about that. 2 month ago she mentioned she would like to purchase another lap top. We talked and I asked her not to at that moment because things were a little tight. She agrees and tells me she wont. That did not happen either. The next monday i come home from work and the UPS guy is dropping it off. We argue, she leaves the next morning. 2 days later at work i get served divorce papers with a no contact order attached. HOLY CR#P!!! Now 1 and a half months later, I had to buy her an apartment, pay $1300 amonth alimony. and she just now has started calling me when she needs things. I LOVE this woman and her three boys. what to do???


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## missagain (Dec 1, 2008)

Man I feel for you, we should get together and have coffee and compare notes, same thing happened to me in January. My husband was working for this attorney as his contractor and he stopped bringing home any money, ( my guess he was banking a retainer fee) Then, I got served at work, in the very busy lobby, without any knowledge it was coming. You compare it to bricks, I think I got kicked in the stomach and across the room by a horse, or a jackass, which by the way is a real animal and not slang :smthumbup:

After being in this nightmare for a year, let me tell you this and please believe me, no matter how much love you have, how much care you have, or concern you have, start playing hard ball now. Get tough, don't think this person is your friend or your spouse, she is out to get everything she possibly can and if she isn't, then she has a lot of making up to do to you.
If you behave like a nice person through this, someone like her would never respect you anyway....so stand up for yourself, get in there and fight.
Serving suprise divorce papers and pushing out a hard working, contributing, non-abusive spouse is the most cowardly thing to do. Anyone with an ounce of courage would have you receive the papers at home, have you go pick them up or something else. This serving people at work has got to stop. It is not a service, it is abuse and a way to try to destroy someone. Agressive, abusive attorneys know that is true.

We'll see if I give the same advice after my divorce is over.

Good luck and take care.

By the way, that seems like a lot of money for her. Did she stop working or something? If she is capable of work, she will have too. don't make that easy on her too. 

Unless, of course, you really deserve this (I am only saying this because I want to kind of demonstrate what being a "nice guy" can look like to the onlookers.)


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## DISOLUTIONED (Nov 29, 2008)

Well... in some ways i have not been there for her. Like i have said, I have worked lots of hrs this last year trying to give all I can for the family. You know, now that I think about it, I have doen that for ALL the years. Going from being a single dad of three to takin on 4 more mouths to feed, buying a 7 bedroom house to house them, not getting much from her ex as far as child support ( big whooping $200 a month IF he ever paid) has put a grat deal of stress on my off time. But I would do it all over again!!!! people told me I was crazy to take all this on. I loved my "Brady bunch" Every one of them are so special to me. I must admitt, I would get home and have to be left alone for 15-20 minutes a day just to chill out from the stress of work. I am a the "boss" at my job and have 110+ people and all there personal and work needs to deal with every day. I only wanted some time to relax and calm down so as not to bring my work stuff home with me. I am not the best Dad or Husband by far. But I have never raised a hand at my Wife and could not even think of doing such. I have yelled at her. I have said things I have immediately regretted and always told her I was wrong right away. ( these have happened very seldom untill the last 2 yrs) I just got off the phone with her and we had a good talk. we were able to talk about things we never realy did before. My wife has a real issue with letting me know things that go on around the home as far as the children go. arguments they have and such. she covers up for them like I have never seen. And now I know why. She tells me that she didnt want me stressed out any more than I already was. And felt like she had failed as the mom if she could not handle the situation herself. You see... I always handled the money and bills and such, she the kids and home. I had to take her off as authorized user of my credit cards a little over a year ago ( she has a little bit of a spending habbit and doesnt rely understand that 10 x $20-$50 at a time adds up to a bunch in one day. thats a different story all together. we ot over it. i just had to sell my corvette to pay those revolving accounts off. i am still rather pissy about that!!!) We ended up going to seperate accounts for credit cards and checking. It had to be done period!! Not that she couldnt write some of the checks out to pay bills and had a debit card to my personal checking account. ( found a lot of reciepts for getting groceries and such after i moved back in tucked away in very odd places that show cash back on most of them. (another story all together ) But money and budget and paying things on time are not her strong point. She is the most amazing woman when it comes to so many things!!! She is soooo pretty and sooo cute. She is my precious, and I have always told her that. And sooo treated me well for almost the entire time. She would race me up the stairs when i got home if she had forgot to lay my lounge cloths out for me before i got home, she would warm my towell in the dryer for me when i took a shower before work, she would lay my suit out every single morning unitll the last few months before the 13th of october. I cant tell you how much this woman did for me. I can tell you it was outright wonderfull. She is so natural at being the kind of person that you just want to spend time with. I gave her and all our children everything they neded and some. the only thing I could not give was more of my time. and i regret that tremendously!!! on the other hand, she also has done some of the most awfull things in the last two months as far as this seperation goes, that i felt like she had been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. The pendente lite order was very specific and i agreed to most everything on the list she could take. except there was no way I was gonna give her the $2700 a month emergency spousal support and pay her apartment and her $545 car payment while she brings in a couple grand herself a month from work. I got the bills on this big house, I got the bills on the revolving and every other thing. I said NO. She needs to learn how to budget. its kinda funny how you mentioned your husband found his attorney thrubeing a contractor for him. My wife found hers through our neighbor. The same neighbor i have helped out in the past every time I could. I have donated to her childrens jymnastic's club. I have went over and mowed there yard when they were too busy too. I have purchased all the fireworks for the entire culda sac so we could have the best show in the whole neighborhood because their children and ours love it so much. Several times a year all of us get together and have our block parties. I feel very betrayed by them. You see the neighbor is the paralegal for my wifes attorney. And evidently this has been in the works since july. My wife tells me that she cant handle my oldest and youngest child anymore. My 20 yr old son is waaaay to lazy. He has moved out and returned 4 times in two years. wont keep a job or go to college because he wont be able to just hang out with his friends. I was told on the ohone tonight why she has soooo many issues with him. evidently he has been very disrespectfull to her and she has not let me know. Since i was able to return home I have also asked him to leave, and he has, because of his complete lack of respect to my wishes. he seems to think since she moved out he could just turn my home into a hang out for him and his slacker friends. I sent him to his natural mothers to live. Now I know why every time me and her have had a disagreement lately, she starts saying " but he, and she, and trying to turn the disussion towards the children rather than discuss what we were talking about. From what i hear from her my oldest son has been very rude and disrespectfull to her. As far as my youngest daughter... well she is 13 and a handfull right now but she is an honor roll student and on ly seldom gives ME any problems. She just is at that age of what the heck!!!!! kinda of a power struggle I guess between them since my wife is just a big teenager at hart anyway ( dont get me wrong, that is the thing I enjoyed most about my wife!!! she could cheer me up in 2 seconds with her silly little ways) I dont know.... I miss her lots, I want her and my boys back, I want my family back together. She has agreed to mediation and has agreed to puttin this divorce on hold for the time being. ( I think only becasue she knows the economy sucks and I am not making the same income I was just a few short months ago. I suspect and kinda have been told by a few that her attorney took advantage of her and promissed her the moon. From what I have been told he took a Divorce case on contingency. what the heck kinda attorney does that??????? the first thing the judge did was tell her wrong economic time to file a divorce, and no to the I pay her attorney fees. Then he went ahead and sent her out of the court room 3 times to negotiate rather than let him decide the outcome for temporary support. it took 4 and a half hrs!!!! so... I get home finaly two days after she was to be gone and I could return. what do I find. A DARN NEAR EMPTY HOME!!!!! and I mean Empty. she even took the built in microwave/convection oven out the wall!!!!! WHO DOES THAT??????? She was given temporary use of certain things during the outcome of this. She disregarded the order like nobodies business. And say to me " I picked it out so ther for its mine" WTF? the judge said "ALL other personel belongings are to remain in the family home". I am sooooo angry and sooooo hurt by the way this went down. And the wierd thing is I know she is not the best at decideing what to do when in a stressfull or demanding situation/ I can picture it now. Her friend and this lawyer told her she would have a windfall and it would teach me a lesson all at the same time. She didnt want to disapoint them since they went thru all this effort to show her how to ruin hers and our childrens homelife. she was probably told she would keep the home and have it paid for. The problem is, they never took into count her three were not my biological children and they have a parent paying support. oooops!!
they made a big boo boo !! I dont have child support to pay her. I di just take care of a medical issue with one of the boys and always will cause they are my children too. heck, i have had them twins since they walked like little baboons. They could barely walk when i first met them. what she and her so called friends and attoreny did was take a family and break it up!!! The issues my wife and i had wereso minor in comparison to this. I will let you know how this turns out in the near future. We have been talking every day for the last few days and sometimes for hrs and hrs. it has actually been very nice. we have not done that for some time. The sound of her voice on the phone is what made me ask her out on a date a little over 10 years ago. like i have said, this is a very special person to me. i wish she would have told me the things that were bothering her. Did my being to kind to my slacker son just break up my marriage?? Just to answer the question if i plan to roll over here and let myself be raped by my wifes divorce attorney. I did hire one of the best attorneys in the metro area. i dont plan on just letting her take everything. even though she darn near did before i was able to move back in. but i cant let her and my boys do with out either. so here i sit in a 7 bedrom home with me and my little girl and the cat. its wierd.... you can hear your own echo !!!


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## DISOLUTIONED (Nov 29, 2008)

ok.... someone has got to tell me how to use the spell check. 
its not like i can have my secretary type this stuff 4 me!!! I just read what i typed and uuuhhhh.....help!!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Spell check is the least of your writing problems, paragraphing, capitalisation and sentence structure will help to break this monologue into digestible components!!

But seriously, your situation sucks and it would seem that you have been right royally screwed by your SO.

Best of luck with it all. Hope you can sort it out one way or another!


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## Justnotsure (Apr 4, 2011)

DISOLUTIONED said:


> Well... in some ways i have not been there for her. Like i have said, I have worked lots of hrs this last year trying to give all I can for the family. You know, now that I think about it, I have doen that for ALL the years. Going from being a single dad of three to takin on 4 more mouths to feed, buying a 7 bedroom house to house them, not getting much from her ex as far as child support ( big whooping $200 a month IF he ever paid) has put a grat deal of stress on my off time. But I would do it all over again!!!! people told me I was crazy to take all this on. I loved my "Brady bunch" Every one of them are so special to me. I must admitt, I would get home and have to be left alone for 15-20 minutes a day just to chill out from the stress of work. I am a the "boss" at my job and have 110+ people and all there personal and work needs to deal with every day. I only wanted some time to relax and calm down so as not to bring my work stuff home with me. I am not the best Dad or Husband by far. But I have never raised a hand at my Wife and could not even think of doing such. I have yelled at her. I have said things I have immediately regretted and always told her I was wrong right away. ( these have happened very seldom untill the last 2 yrs) I just got off the phone with her and we had a good talk. we were able to talk about things we never realy did before. My wife has a real issue with letting me know things that go on around the home as far as the children go. arguments they have and such. she covers up for them like I have never seen. And now I know why. She tells me that she didnt want me stressed out any more than I already was. And felt like she had failed as the mom if she could not handle the situation herself. You see... I always handled the money and bills and such, she the kids and home. I had to take her off as authorized user of my credit cards a little over a year ago ( she has a little bit of a spending habbit and doesnt rely understand that 10 x $20-$50 at a time adds up to a bunch in one day. thats a different story all together. we ot over it. i just had to sell my corvette to pay those revolving accounts off. i am still rather pissy about that!!!) We ended up going to seperate accounts for credit cards and checking. It had to be done period!! Not that she couldnt write some of the checks out to pay bills and had a debit card to my personal checking account. ( found a lot of reciepts for getting groceries and such after i moved back in tucked away in very odd places that show cash back on most of them. (another story all together ) But money and budget and paying things on time are not her strong point. She is the most amazing woman when it comes to so many things!!! She is soooo pretty and sooo cute. She is my precious, and I have always told her that. And sooo treated me well for almost the entire time. She would race me up the stairs when i got home if she had forgot to lay my lounge cloths out for me before i got home, she would warm my towell in the dryer for me when i took a shower before work, she would lay my suit out every single morning unitll the last few months before the 13th of october. I cant tell you how much this woman did for me. I can tell you it was outright wonderfull. She is so natural at being the kind of person that you just want to spend time with. I gave her and all our children everything they neded and some. the only thing I could not give was more of my time. and i regret that tremendously!!! on the other hand, she also has done some of the most awfull things in the last two months as far as this seperation goes, that i felt like she had been abducted by aliens and replaced with someone else. The pendente lite order was very specific and i agreed to most everything on the list she could take. except there was no way I was gonna give her the $2700 a month emergency spousal support and pay her apartment and her $545 car payment while she brings in a couple grand herself a month from work. I got the bills on this big house, I got the bills on the revolving and every other thing. I said NO. She needs to learn how to budget. its kinda funny how you mentioned your husband found his attorney thrubeing a contractor for him. My wife found hers through our neighbor. The same neighbor i have helped out in the past every time I could. I have donated to her childrens jymnastic's club. I have went over and mowed there yard when they were too busy too. I have purchased all the fireworks for the entire culda sac so we could have the best show in the whole neighborhood because their children and ours love it so much. Several times a year all of us get together and have our block parties. I feel very betrayed by them. You see the neighbor is the paralegal for my wifes attorney. And evidently this has been in the works since july. My wife tells me that she cant handle my oldest and youngest child anymore. My 20 yr old son is waaaay to lazy. He has moved out and returned 4 times in two years. wont keep a job or go to college because he wont be able to just hang out with his friends. I was told on the ohone tonight why she has soooo many issues with him. evidently he has been very disrespectfull to her and she has not let me know. Since i was able to return home I have also asked him to leave, and he has, because of his complete lack of respect to my wishes. he seems to think since she moved out he could just turn my home into a hang out for him and his slacker friends. I sent him to his natural mothers to live. Now I know why every time me and her have had a disagreement lately, she starts saying " but he, and she, and trying to turn the disussion towards the children rather than discuss what we were talking about. From what i hear from her my oldest son has been very rude and disrespectfull to her. As far as my youngest daughter... well she is 13 and a handfull right now but she is an honor roll student and on ly seldom gives ME any problems. She just is at that age of what the heck!!!!! kinda of a power struggle I guess between them since my wife is just a big teenager at hart anyway ( dont get me wrong, that is the thing I enjoyed most about my wife!!! she could cheer me up in 2 seconds with her silly little ways) I dont know.... I miss her lots, I want her and my boys back, I want my family back together. She has agreed to mediation and has agreed to puttin this divorce on hold for the time being. ( I think only becasue she knows the economy sucks and I am not making the same income I was just a few short months ago. I suspect and kinda have been told by a few that her attorney took advantage of her and promissed her the moon. From what I have been told he took a Divorce case on contingency. what the heck kinda attorney does that??????? the first thing the judge did was tell her wrong economic time to file a divorce, and no to the I pay her attorney fees. Then he went ahead and sent her out of the court room 3 times to negotiate rather than let him decide the outcome for temporary support. it took 4 and a half hrs!!!! so... I get home finaly two days after she was to be gone and I could return. what do I find. A DARN NEAR EMPTY HOME!!!!! and I mean Empty. she even took the built in microwave/convection oven out the wall!!!!! WHO DOES THAT??????? She was given temporary use of certain things during the outcome of this. She disregarded the order like nobodies business. And say to me " I picked it out so ther for its mine" WTF? the judge said "ALL other personel belongings are to remain in the family home". I am sooooo angry and sooooo hurt by the way this went down. And the wierd thing is I know she is not the best at decideing what to do when in a stressfull or demanding situation/ I can picture it now. Her friend and this lawyer told her she would have a windfall and it would teach me a lesson all at the same time. She didnt want to disapoint them since they went thru all this effort to show her how to ruin hers and our childrens homelife. she was probably told she would keep the home and have it paid for. The problem is, they never took into count her three were not my biological children and they have a parent paying support. oooops!!
> they made a big boo boo !! I dont have child support to pay her. I di just take care of a medical issue with one of the boys and always will cause they are my children too. heck, i have had them twins since they walked like little baboons. They could barely walk when i first met them. what she and her so called friends and attoreny did was take a family and break it up!!! The issues my wife and i had wereso minor in comparison to this. I will let you know how this turns out in the near future. We have been talking every day for the last few days and sometimes for hrs and hrs. it has actually been very nice. we have not done that for some time. The sound of her voice on the phone is what made me ask her out on a date a little over 10 years ago. like i have said, this is a very special person to me. i wish she would have told me the things that were bothering her. Did my being to kind to my slacker son just break up my marriage?? Just to answer the question if i plan to roll over here and let myself be raped by my wifes divorce attorney. I did hire one of the best attorneys in the metro area. i dont plan on just letting her take everything. even though she darn near did before i was able to move back in. but i cant let her and my boys do with out either. so here i sit in a 7 bedrom home with me and my little girl and the cat. its wierd.... you can hear your own echo !!!


Having a similar situation regarding the kids- I can assure you- this too shall pass....

We have the his, mine & ours....talk about a difficult situation. The key is a United Front....right? Yeah, I know easier said than done... We've been together for 18 yrs and I'm only 35 yrs old..do the math on that one, lol. We had custody of his daughters after years of nonsense w his ex wife. Long story short- I have and will always be the person that's to blame for everything! Gets old really quick- but the good news is, they do grow up and hopefully at the end, your relationship survives. 
It's funny bc now that our "big kids" are grown and gone and we're left w our son, our marriage is suffering.....after all of the years of stress and continual beatings (emotional only) I endured w his oldest daughter I feel like I stayed and dealt w the situations, it wouldn't be fair to break our family up now. 

Am I happy? I'm just not sure.....wth is happiness anyway? A friend of mine says "happiness" is just hanging out and wanting your spouse to be the person in those quiet moments....Maybe, but I'm wanting more....I feel bad bc the slightest amount of attention from anyone and I'm happy! My H isn't real affectionate, isn't "well read" and gets confused when I use words like "ominous"....He's 6 1/2 yrs older than I am...we've been together since I was 17 yrs old. My older son is 19 yrs old now and my H has been around since he was a yr old. My family loves my H, everyone does actually. He's everyone's "Go to" guy. He's told me for years that if anyone were to "take me, they can't bring me back".....which has lead me to really question myself. Am I that bad? I hate to shop/spend money. I've always worked, don't go out w the "girls", I don't really do anything except go to work, come home, fix dinner maybe some laundry, go to bed, get up do the same thing, day after day after day.......So anyway, I completely appreciate your situation w the kids part. It isn't easy! At least you're doing what you can regarding your older son. Disrespect isn't an option, but I've learned that is generally a learned trait, meaning maybe your ex W has said things through the years to the kids and since you were unaware, you couldn't do anything about it? Hard to say, but hang in there! 

Oh and be careful talking to her- w that No Contact order in place, your new home could be Jail....you'd be amazed how some police departments overlook the fact that She contacted you! 

Again, hang in there and don't stress about spell ck, sentence structure....this isn't a college course where you'll be graded on those things- you're stressed and looking to vent and get some advice and if ppl don't appreciate that, they are possibly on the wrong type of forum....Jmo.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Sorry about your situation brother. I could not read the complete wall of text but from little bits and pieces I did read just make sure to talk to a laywer. Clearly she is giving you the shaft big time. Time to play hard ball.


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