# Question about criticism and women



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I just went down to see my parents who have repeatedly said they would like to see me more often. Yet while I am there, I notice my mother picks at little things I do and my dad does, making the trip more stressful. For example, I use a shower, the water got on the floor and I made a point of carefully towelling it up. She then said the towels are soaking wet and I felt like saying, it' not a big deal, put them in the dryer and I am here for a short time. The next day when I am about to take a shower she needs to remind me and I say, you told me already. I noticed in a restaurant, the waitress is pleasant, we'd like to get a check and instead of waiting a minute or two, approaches another waitress saying, we can't find our waitress, I don't know where she is, can you get her. Perhaps the woman was busy. 

Is there an effective way with women of saying, 

1) Do not criticize unless it is something very important, you are clear the comment will help and think not once but twice before you decide this is important enough to bring up. 

There are a number of quirky things in their house and I try to ignore them and be upbeat. I had a reasonable time otherwise and love her, but candidly, with little snippets, I am more likely to segregate my life and limit communications though she has suggested she's like to hear more about things. My wife is generally not like this.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> I just went down to see my parents who have repeatedly said they would like to see me more often. Yet while I am there, I notice *my mother* picks at little things I do and my dad does, making the trip more stressful. For example, I use a shower, the water got on the floor and I made a point of carefully towelling it up. She then said the towels are soaking wet and I felt like saying, it' not a big deal, put them in the dryer and I am here for a short time. The next day when I am about to take a shower she needs to remind me and I say, you told me already. I noticed in a restaurant, the waitress is pleasant, we'd like to get a check and instead of waiting a minute or two, approaches another waitress saying, we can't find our waitress, I don't know where she is, can you get her. Perhaps the woman was busy.
> 
> Is there an effective way with <women> my mother of saying,
> 
> ...


Fixed that for you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

We will consult the female hive mind and then respond as a collective to your query...


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Thanks.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Have you considered saying straight up to your Mom, hey I love you, but I would be more inclined to see you more often if you did not criticize?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My perspective, FWIW, is my mom can do just about anything she wants and I'll polite, respectful, and tolerant of it. She gave me life and raised me so she gets extra special treatment that no one else gets. If she wanted to nitpick about towels I'd take care of it the way she wants. If she wanted to pester a waitress I'd just let it go too. If it really bothered me I'd slip an extra tip to the waitress on my way out. Same thing goes for my dad.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> My perspective, FWIW, is my mom can do just about anything she wants and I'll polite, respectful, and tolerant of it. She gave me life and raised me so she gets extra special treatment that no one else gets. If she wanted to nitpick about towels I'd take care of it the way she wants. If she wanted to pester a waitress I'd just let it go too. If it really bothered me I'd slip an extra tip to the waitress on my way out. Same thing goes for my dad.


That is how I approach it as well. I WISH my Dad were still around for me to approach the same way, though he was the opposite of irritating.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

When my mom acts like a b**** I tell her that she is acting like a b**** and to stop it because she is pi$$ing people off. That generally makes her stop.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is how I approach it as well. I WISH my Dad were still around for me to approach the same way, though he was the opposite of irritating.


My dad is the one that is the PITA in my family. He comes out to visit every year for a "boys hunting trip" but doesn't really go hunting and instead hangs around while I wait on him hand and foot. He doesn't even say please or thank you, just tell me what he wants and tells me the same stories over and over again. It's irritating but I'm glad I get the time with him because one day he's going to be gone. Plus even with the irritating moments we're building memories that will have to last me the rest of my life. 

Again, no one other than my parents get this treatment or anything close to it. My mom is the one that's the perfect angel and pleasant to be around. My dad, not so much, but I like having them both in my life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, this isn't a woman thing. It's a _your mom_ thing. 

About the towels, as long as you hung up the soaking wet towels appropriately to dry, or put them in the hamper (or, hey, how about directly into the washer because you are responsible for cleaning up after yourself), then you did your part. Honestly, I might have reminded my son that the towels were likely still wet from yesterday - _so that he wouldn't forget to get himself a fresh one to use_. It wouldn't have been criticism or nitpicking, it would have been a prompt to help ensure he didn't have to try to dry off with a cold, yucky, wet towel. Because I'm his mom and I want the best for him so I tend to do stuff like that. 

However, if your mother just wouldn't let the wet towel issue go, you could have just said, "Mom, I'm a grown man. I've got this. Really." and then carried on about your day. Instead, it seems you've been stewing about it for a while. It's entirely possible that you're reactive to things she does and says that maybe wouldn't bother you as much if she weren't your mother. That is to say, no one can push our buttons quite like family.

I suggest that you don't attempt to lecture her about her behaviors. Instead, find ways to tolerate her quirks with as much grace as possible. That will likely need to start with figuring out a way to let what you perceive as her nitpicking just roll off your back. Simply don't allow her to impact your mood, leave you stewing, or create resentment in you. You really can't control her, and it would be disrespectful to try. But you do have control over how you react to her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

On your visit, you're picking at your mother about those trivial items?

On the check, really? Was your mom rude or maybe was in a hurry, and as grownups can nicely convey that to your server. 

When was the last time you visited? 

And you're complaining? Has mom gotten to know you as an adult? IE why didn't you take care of your own wet towels? Would you in your house?

And, if you have to ask if there's a magic way to criticize a woman, you've got a bit more real life to see.

Good luck!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

That’s the way women are, we pick on the ones we love. Don’t take it personal. You only have one set of parents... visit them, call them, do things to make them happy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> My dad is the one that is the PITA in my family. He comes out to visit every year for a "boys hunting trip" but doesn't really go hunting and instead hangs around while I wait on him hand and foot. He doesn't even say please or thank you, just tell me what he wants and tells me the same stories over and over again. It's irritating but I'm glad I get the time with him because one day he's going to be gone. Plus even with the irritating moments we're building memories that will have to last me the rest of my life.
> 
> Again, no one other than my parents get this treatment or anything close to it. My mom is the one that's the perfect angel and pleasant to be around. My dad, not so much, but I like having them both in my life.



I think we may have the same father. Yep, right down to the hunting trips where he doesn't hunt but does hang around keeping me from doing anything else, while also asking to be waited on hand and foot. Yes, it's super aggravating. Yes, it drives my SO - and my SIL when he visits my brother and does the same at their house - up the wall. But, the man is a Type I diabetic in his 70's, he's not going to be around forever, and he's my father and I love him. And, most importantly, it's not as if he's a terrible person with ill intentions who is actually doing anything harmful to any of us. He's just older and crankier and moodier and maybe just a bit more annoying sometimes than we would prefer. So we breathe deeply, have another glass of wine, pick up the umpteenth dish he's left on the coffee table, and extend him just a little more grace. One day we will laugh in fond remembrance of his foibles and wish he were still with us.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Not Serious Warning!!!

When criticizing a woman I use small words and speak slowly. And I am always aware of my escape route and furniture and walls to hide behind. 

Sorry I had to.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Not Serious Warning!!!
> 
> When criticizing a woman I use small words and speak slowly. And I am always aware of my escape route and furniture and walls to hide behind.
> 
> Sorry I had to.


https://www.google.com/search?q=tri...AUIESgB&biw=360&bih=660#imgrc=faHSVNDfEJlusM:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't think I would be telling my mama that she can't biotch in her own home. I would tell her 'thank you' for reminding as I had forgotten since yesterday.

What is worthy of criticism to you may seem petty to others.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I shouldn't, but also couldn't resist. 

From thread start:

" Do not criticize unless it is something very important, you are clear the comment will help and think not once but twice before you decide this is important enough to bring up. "

I like the parts about;

"be clear the comment will help.."

and: " think not once but twice before you decide this is important enough to bring up. "


Geared toward his Mom no less. Whom he hasn't visited in a while. 😉😉

Bobby4,
I'm sure you're aware we're having you on, just a bit of fun. Many here have one or both parents that have passed. My own father when I was nine, Mom about 5yrs ago.

It was indeed the magic words comment that was the icing. Laughing with you brother not at you. In about 10 to 20yrs you'll more deeply understand and laugh, if not earlier. 

All good. We've all been there!

😁😁😁


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> We will consult * the female hive mind* and then respond as a collective to your query...


Never, ever introduce TFHM to the HeadMates.


The Host, RD's head will overload from the resulting butt-buzzing. His knees will buckle, our head will head for the concrete. 
..............And @Blondilocks will make the same lame remark about falling and concrete.




King Brian-


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Not Serious Warning!!!
> 
> When criticizing a woman I use small words and speak slowly. And I am always aware of my escape route and furniture and walls to hide behind.
> 
> Sorry I had to.


I sometimes accidently call her 'Mrs. Dishwasher' or 'Mrs. Samwich Maker'. On another note I'm homeless now...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bobby5000 said:


> I just went down to see my parents who have repeatedly said they would like to see me more often. Yet while I am there, I notice my mother picks at little things I do and my dad does, making the trip more stressful. For example, I use a shower, the water got on the floor and I made a point of carefully towelling it up. She then said the towels are soaking wet and I felt like saying, it' not a big deal, put them in the dryer and I am here for a short time. The next day when I am about to take a shower she needs to remind me and I say, you told me already. I noticed in a restaurant, the waitress is pleasant, we'd like to get a check and instead of waiting a minute or two, approaches another waitress saying, we can't find our waitress, I don't know where she is, can you get her. Perhaps the woman was busy.
> 
> Is there an effective way with women of saying,
> 
> ...


This thread brings about triggers.
Lots of triggers for me.

I will not go into detail {for once!}

[THRD]


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You cannot divorce relatives.

Though sometimes one would like to.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> happyhusband0005 said:
> 
> 
> > Not Serious Warning!!!
> ...


I just snorted tea through my nose. Thanks a lot!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I sometimes accidently call her 'Mrs. Dishwasher' or 'Mrs. Samwich Maker'. On another note I'm homeless now...


LOL!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> This thread brings about triggers.
> Lots of triggers for me.
> 
> *I will not go into detail {for once!}*
> ...


Much appreciated.:grin2:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Bobby5000 said:


> Is there an effective way with women of saying,
> 
> "Do not criticize unless it is something very important, you are clear the comment will help and think not once but twice before you decide this is important enough to bring up."?





@personofinterest said:


> We will consult the female hive mind and then respond as a collective to your query...


No. There is no way to resist female criticism or make it cease and desist.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I must say that if one of my kids used a towel to get water off the bathroom floor, I'd probably have a heart attack.
You will have to talk to your dad about how to shower without getting wet.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

No I've changed my mind. You asked for an effective way to get mom to stop nitpicking. Here is how to do it. 

First before next visit buy a few of these. Turkish Towel
Use them for your shower at moms.
When she asks why you brought your own towel you reply, (this is the most important part) that they are softer and dry better than "her" towels.

This will put her on the defensive so fast that she won't have time to find anything else wrong. 

BTW these towels are thinner and pack very nicely. They also dry out much faster. Actually ideal for traveling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is that a man thing? To get water all over the floor outside the shower or bathtub? My H does the same thing and I just don't understand it. There's a mat right outside the shower. The towel is on a rack right outside the shower. And yet when I come in the bathroom afterward, there's half a tub's worth of water all over the bathroom! 

Can't you just towel off while you're still in the bathtub or shower?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

On a visit to my parents, my mom who was normally not highly critical, for some reason decided to insert herself into some aspect of my parenting. For some reason, I took offense (more than usual when she would offer advice). So I calmly announced that it was time to go home, gathered up my daughter and headed for the door. We exchanged hugs at the front door and the I, and her granddaughter, were gone.

I never got my parenting nitpicked again.

Do you have kids? If not, have one.... there is no better defense against a mother criticism than withholding grandkids!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Is that a man thing? To get water all over the floor outside the shower or bathtub? My H does the same thing and I just don't understand it. There's a mat right outside the shower. The towel is on a rack right outside the shower. And yet when I come in the bathroom afterward, there's half a tub's worth of water all over the bathroom!
> 
> Can't you just towel off while you're still in the bathtub or shower?


as far as it being a man thing, I haven't noticed any difference in floor dryness between my adult son and adult daughters. As for me, after 2 broken ribs from bathroom slip and falls, I keep the damned floor dry. The only thing I could think of that would make men spread more watr is that with more skin surface, and more body hair they can carry more water.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

We have a towel hanging on a hook just inside the shower curtain to use in case water gets on the floor. It's an older house, and so the rod to bathtub rim ratio is a little off.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> Is that a man thing? To get water all over the floor outside the shower or bathtub? My H does the same thing and I just don't understand it. There's a mat right outside the shower. The towel is on a rack right outside the shower. And yet when I come in the bathroom afterward, there's half a tub's worth of water all over the bathroom!
> 
> Can't you just towel off while you're still in the bathtub or shower?


When you think of a man drying off after his shower..... :surprise: :frown2:
And where does the water come from..

Think of a dog that you just 'let in' from outside and from the pouring rain. :grin2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

duplicate


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