# Wife wants separation



## hulk2157 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hey guys im new to the site
I needed peoples imputs on this topic since im going through this right now. My wife and i have been together for three years and married for two. We met in iraq while we both were active dutty soldiers in the army. Needless to say it was love at first site. When we returned home we got married and moved in together. Throughout our marriage we have had our share of hardships. My wife took three times the birth control she was supposed to on accident and she saw a doctor concerining it. Shortly after her sex drive vanished and she gained a little bit of weight. She started have self esteem problems and turned to drinking very badly. We had alot of fights concerning her bad behavior. Her drinking always made her a different person. Someone i didnt know and someone that was mean. We seperated after 2 years of being together because she got really drunk and was really mean to me so i told her i could not take her behavior anymore and i left for a month. After the month we eventually got back together and everything was wonderful. now to whats going on now. We recently both got out of the military and we moved. We both started going to college and my wife got placed in a chef job through the school. I have been applying everywhere and i have had a few jobs come close but they fell through. My wife has been working 13-14 hour shifts and going to school. She sleeps four hours a night and is always tired. Infact she is actiing like a completely different person. She had resentment towards me at first because i had a hard time finding a job. Mind you im always actively searching and always make sure the house is clean. For the past month or two we have been losing intimacy. We rarely have sex or do anything we eachother. My wife seems cold and unresponsive. She doesnt respond emotionally or physically to anything. One morning i wake up and meet her at her work. She tells me out of nowhere that she feels she isnt in love with me and the spark is gone. She says that she is entirely focused on her career and she is so exhausted that she doesnt feel like she has time for me anymore. I ofcourse instantly think she is having a affair..although i cant see her doing that. She assures me its not anybody and she is exhausted. My first wife cheated on me and its a bad spot for me. I checked her phone a few times and theres nothing..so i honestly dont think she is cheating. She tells me she wants a trial seperation for a week to clear her head and figure out why she is treating me bad and why she doesnt feel the same way she used to. She says she doesnt understand why she feels this way. She tells me she loves me and assures me she just needs a week to be by herself. She is staying with her assistent manager who is a female. Its really hard for me to swallow because i admit we have had problems and we have been busy...so we both were not working on bringing the spark in our relationship, but i cant help feeling its my fault that she feels this way. Before she started this job we seemed to be having a good time and doing things together and ever since this job she says its the only thing she cares about right now and she has no time for anything else. Im pretty devestated and im giving her space for this week but its hard. I feel guilty. She is supposed to come home a week from now. We both agreed we would not date anyone else or screw around and that i will give her, her week she wants. I just cant understand why she would want to be away from me for a week. I dont understand how this is going to help. Anyone have some insight. sorry it was so long. I appreciate your input


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Yeah, I can offer you all the insight you'll need. When I was in the Navy I was stationed on a submarine in dry dock under repairs. While all the tests and drills were going on I got four hours of sleep a week night and maybe 6hrs on the weekend for months on end. That's with mandated daily workouts and 12 cups of coffee a day, with whatever time I had left to spend with my wife and go to on base MC for reasons that were caused by lack of sleep and stress.

Look, the reason she feels she doesn't love you is because she's so frustrated and chronically exhausted. Having you constantly follow her around like a needly child looking for attention is just too much to handle. If you want her to change her mind about that you need to leave her alone and reassure her you respect her decision for this separation. If you try to change her mind you'll just be showing her you don't care about her needs. 

You should be using this separation to get a job for the sake of your marriage. She feels she working her @$$ off and you don't care enough to help her out, that's how she sees it, and that's what her friend is being told. Even though you're doing things around the house she still expects you to help with her financial obligations. I hate to say it but the bubble you were living in under the financial relief in the service has now burst and you have to work 10x as hard to make it work in the down turned economy. 

You can't honestly believe she is cheating SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TIME FOR HERSELF let alone for anyone else. You said it yourself in multiple times how stressed out she is with the alcohol addiction, anxiety, and depression..... trust me, she's getting depressed by all of this about about ready to pop. I know I damn near went suicidal after a month of all work and no play surviving off of caffeine and repressed emotions. But I'll give you a little tip that helped me out when I didn't feel I loved her and vice versa..... space. Both of those times I either asked for or gave space because it's not your spouses fault when you're stressed but you can easily take it out of them and that kind of drama is never good.

I would seriously recommend you go over the 180 list found here and give yourself about a month to find a job or else. That's a month of no contact being made to her and only returning a few texts or calls when you now she will be responsive (afternoon or early evening). Think of this as giving her the gift of space and free time she really needs.... you were in the service, you can do this! By now your honeymoon is over and you're deep in the struggle for power. As much as it doesn't make sense you two need to give each other space until such time you can come together and work on a solution for this and other problems. 

In the meantime stop defending her as the perfect partner and keep in mind how has treated you when things were challenging. I don't want to see you get abused while holding onto that perfect honeymoon image if all this was just an act on her part. Give her time to herself but really be on the lookout for any behavior that might seem harsh for no reason and completely uncalled for..... You're going to get blamed no matter what in order for her to preserve her ego, but just be cautious.


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## hulk2157 (Jul 3, 2012)

thanks for the reply,
Yeah i can see all that, i guess im insecure since my first wife was having an affair on me and i didnt even know. I just dont understand why the past month she became so distant. She says she loves her job, she just doesnt know what she wants pertaining to us. I thought maybe she was interested in someone at work. She came over today and saw my son even though she wanted to be left alone all week. I asked her why she even came over and she said she started to have a little bit of feelings back but she wanted to wait 4 more days before we start talking about things. She said she probably shouldnt of came over yet so soon.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Hey Hulk, I'm new here too. I'm sorry to read of your plight. Nsweet is giving you great advice above. If somebody asks for a break, the best thing you can do is give them the space they need. This is an excellent time for you to take stock of the areas of your life that need fixing and use this mini-vacation to tcb. She will find the healthier you more attractive; and if for some reason she decides to move on then you will be in a much better space in how to deal with what's next. Get busy and stay active in working on you!


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