# Co Parenting Together or Apart?



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

What I mean by the title is this. Divorced and sharing the kids 50/50. Not a good relationship with the ex and communication is poor. As the kids grow certain events require (IMO) parental involvement. Issues with school, friends, sex ed. etc. Is it better to have a family meeting where the ex and I sit together with the child and have a discussion or the ex and I having separate discussions knowing that the message will probably be slightly different to very different. Any thoughts on the best choice for the kids? What seemed to work for you?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

My XWW and I co-parent well, and our relationship is limited to only the kids. We handle some things individually and some things as a group. Usually, we discuss how we're going to handle the bigger issues with each other first to decide how we are going to approach them with the kids. Some things take both of us to address and others can be done by one parent. If there is a big disagreement on how to handle things I'll just do things my way in my house and understand that I can't stop her from doing the same. If there is any way to improve your relationship with you ex for the kids benefit, do it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

In my case, I actually have a decent relationship with my ex-husband - amicable, but we're not friends. However, he does not now, nor has he ever, indicated even the slightest interest in actively parenting our son. If it's something important, I let my ex-husband know what's going on. He's happy to be kept in the loop, but anytime I've offered or tried to encourage him to actively participate in decision making he's declined or outright flaked. 

So, for the most part I tend to sit down and talk to my son about whatever the issue is, and we work it out as best we can. His father knows what's going on, so anything he decides to talk to our son about is between them. 

My son is a teen, and this system has been working pretty well for the last almost three years.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

My x and I divorced amicably. We don't talk on the phone. We rarely email with each other. We mostly communicate via text messages. WHen I have a longer communication I will email it and then send him a text telling him to check his mailbox. He doesn't check it frequently. Even though we are amicable. We are an hour apart and my momma didn't raise no fool  So I like having documentation even if I never, ever need it. I'll let him know how the girls are doing in school. I'll ask his advice. Our 18 year old, when she was 15 wanted her belly button pierced. He and I discussed it several times and came to agreement. Then last year she wanted a tattoo and she was really anxious to get it. Talk about immediate gratification. We discussed and agreed that for her 18th birthday she could get one, but that she would have to wait until her birthday. We agreed absolutely no caving early! And for her 18th birthday, she got her tattoo. 

Every now and then one of us will get pissy with the other when we do something with the kids without getting input. But, we just shake it off and keep on going. Our kids are old enough that really most of the decisions are theirs. We are just setting down the parameters. 

Even though we are amicable, being in his presence literally makes me uncomfortable. And because we are uncomfortable with each other, the kids feel it. So no official meetings or anything. But for my daughter's 14th or 13th birthday we were all there for it. Me and my husband, my mother started the party at the ceramics shop. Then my x, his girlfriend and her son arrived. We were all there together for 30 or 40 minutes. Then we left and he finished the party with them. 

THat's how we like to roll. Fun stuff with the kids present. Our discussions over parental matters stay private between him and I. Then we share the results. It's ok for the kids to know there are differences of opinion or slightly different motives. As long as they have a clear message regarding the final outcome that is united.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

We co parent together and so far it has been good for the kids. The youngest still tries to go to the other parent if she doesn't get her own way (I am much stricter than her dad) but she would do this even if we were under one roof. Love that kid to pieces but yeah, she is a bit naughty.

We attend all big events together, birthdays, Christmas, school events and parent/teacher interviews. The kids know we are still a united parenting front.
Last year we had some big issues especially with our oldest so we had a few phone calls to discuss the plan of action. Usually we communicate via txt.

Ex and I get along OK so it is no problem to co parent together, my SO and his ex on the other hand cannot be in the same room together for very long so it is best for all concerned that they co parent apart as much as possible.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> What I mean by the title is this. Divorced and sharing the kids 50/50. Not a good relationship with the ex and communication is poor. As the kids grow certain events require (IMO) parental involvement. Issues with school, friends, sex ed. etc. Is it better to have a family meeting where the ex and I sit together with the child and have a discussion or the ex and I having separate discussions knowing that the message will probably be slightly different to very different. Any thoughts on the best choice for the kids? What seemed to work for you?


Ex and I have joint legal custody, but the kids live at my house pretty much 100% of the time.

We keep each other informed of schedules, typically by email. She does dinner with them twice a week. She has her rules and I have mine. When they are at home they follow my rules and when they are with her, they follow hers. 

When they have a school function (like a concert or play), if we both attend, we arrive separately and sit separately. For things like parent teacher conferences or doctor's appointments, one of us goes. We typically decide this via email, and the one who attends provides any necessary details back to the other. 

We do well as long as we keep the focus on the kids. One of the reasons I like text or email is that it keeps 'small talk' to a minimum. I never talk about my personal life with her. Only about the kids.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Great input all. It's much appreciated. My oldest is heading into middle school next year, she's showing subtle signs of puberty coming on and she starting to do the "push back" thing on a lot of my decisions. I'm thinking we have some of life's growing pains starting and want to do the best we can given the situation..


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