# How many ladies practice stashing? Is it cultural or individual for you?



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm curious about how many ladies were taught to stash, or just how many do. If you stash, was it cultural? defensive? or some other reason.

Let me explain without getting to painful into details. My wife has told me that in her country, women were always taught by their mothers to keep back some money in a secret place where nobody knew about it. She tells me there were two reasons for this. 1) In her country, if a man left or divorced his wife, the man got everything, and the woman was basically left with nothing. Stashing some of the household income was a way for her to protect herself against the worst case scenario. And 2) It was considered very virtuous and praiseworthy historically if, when the family was faced with crisis, the lady of the house had saved and was able to provide a means to get out of the crisis.

Since my wife has been very open with me about #1, I must have her trust . (Not to worry. She can't find a big enough stick to RUN me off  ).

#2 recently provided me with a HUGE surprise, and it was entirely pleasant to me. In our household, my wife manages all the normal finances - I completely leave it to her and she is MUCH BETTER than I am with this. The only thing I manage is our investments, and I'm very open with her about that. I see how much we have in the bank, and my wife always tells me about other accounts she opens to save for our son's college (or our other kids when that was relevant), and we plan for big purchases of things like cars, or house together from these types of things.


When I took the job assignment to Korea, we were faced with what seemed like a big financial decision due to the way rent is done in Korea. In Korea, often, no rent is payed, and instead, a large "key deposit" (Korean: Jeonse) is placed on a property. The landlord gets the use of the Jeonse, and pays it back in full at the end of the lease, and this is very heavily regulated. In recent years, there has come to be more of a hybrid jeonse, and wonse (monthly rent) in most places where anybody would want to live. 

We wanted to rent our house out in the US because the cash flow looked good on that. But when we considered how much jeonse we would have to pay to get into the housing like where we wanted to live, I considered I was going to have to hit our investments pretty hard to come up with that much jeonse.

This is where the surprise came in. My wife asked me how much our investments were making, and I showed her what they were doing ... and it is enough right now I really hated to hit them. She then told me not to hit our investments. She told me then about her stash money, and said it was only making about 1% per year right now, and using that for jeonse would be better than what it was earning. I asked her how much she had, and I was thinking maybe $10,000.00 or something like that. She produced her numbers, and it was many times that ... it would have made a nice down payment on a house. It is enough that it payed enough jeonse to let us move into the housing where we wanted to live, and have very low rent - less montly rent than the positive cash flow from our house we rent out in the US.

I NEVER knew she had it - never had a clue ... and that's kinda the point I guess. So as virtuous ladies go, she had to go up on the scale pretty high in the way she was raised, I suppose. It was certainly a pleasant surprise to me.


But now that I'm getting over the amazement, and realizing something I was told even 20+ years ago, I'm now wondering how many other women may have been taught things like this from their mothers, and I wonder how many women actually practice stashing from your income. (Don't worry. I won't tell your husband .)

So please tell me what you have been taught, or what you have practiced in this area. Was it cultural? or individual in your case? or do you know? I'd love to learn more about it.


----------



## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

First I want to congratulate you and your wife on having such open communication! That's wonderful!
In Japan this stashing or "hesokuri" (臍繰り), is well known. I'm American and sweetheart is Japanese. My mom does this, and she's always told me to save money for a rainy day.
But my husband wants do that finances when I get back to Japan...mostly because everything will be in Japanese. But like your family, there will be open communication about finances and savings. But I think if more people in America did what your wife was doing, a lot of financial mishaps wouldn't be.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't - but I enjoyed reading your post. How wonderful that your wife was able to surprise you and provide what was needed and that she's been open with you about it.

From an early age, I've always been a saver. My mother is frugal, always lived within means, and my father has a good mind for business. I take care of the finances in our house-hold. Husband is more a risk-taker and we have managed to come to a healthy balance with our different approaches. Everything is combined and open, however I check our accounts and where we're at, more regularly than him. 

We have been discussing pros and cons with property, our options (and grateful to have them), and how we might approach the next couple of years with certain goals we have. The way we've been working our finances recently is that as he earns more than me, his salary is currently and primarily, allocated to reducing our mortgage and somewhat to boosting savings, and then we pay bills and cover daily life more frugally on my salary. Over the weekend, I gave him an update of what we've achieved by working this way over the last few months with his salary. He was pleasantly surprised and motivated with the result. I don't stash. I don't feel the need for it and I've not been raised that way, however I do like to be able to contribute in helping us financially - with income and/or managing our finances wisely. Thankfully our goals are in line, well except for him carrying on like a pork-chop about the new Mustang that's just been unveiled! It'd be fun and frivolous and I'm considering how to make that work (as a surprise) for when it's officially released. It might not be honorable or virtuous like your wife, but I guess I'd love to have a secret Mustang stash.


shy_guy are your daughters following in your wife's footsteps with this approach?


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Not a woman, but my wife does #2. She manages the household finances and delights in pleasantly surprising me with how much money she has saved up. She has a savings account in her name only, where she dumps unspent excess from our checking account each month and it builds up nicely. It's not hidden; I have the account information and can check it whenever I want. She could be doing #1 and have accounts that I don't know about but I don't worry about it. I can only control what I can control - and besides, as far as she knows, I could do the same thing.

On a side note: my mother was somewhat leery of us getting married, due to our age and education differences. I found out recently that years after we did get married, my mother gave my wife similar advice to #1. That's right, mom sided with the daughter-in-law against her son.  When my wife told me that, I told her she was truly part of the family and my mother had no more worries.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> 2) It was considered very virtuous and praiseworthy historically if, when the family was faced with crisis, the lady of the house had saved and was able to provide a means to get out of the crisis.


My wife does this. 
I think it is a cultural thing among Hindu women.
They always have money secretly tucked away somewhere, for whenever there's a crisis.
They pride themselves in being able to support their husband and family financially , without having to beg anyone else for help , whenever a crisis arises..

There were times my wife shocked me with money stashed away when I was in serious financial difficulty.

That's one of the reasoons why I conceeded to her desire for us to have separate accounts.


----------



## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

I have been doing this since I was was a young teen. It wasn't cultural for me, it was security. If my mother knew I had money she would take it from me. So anytime I did odd jobs and earned something, I kept it hidden. I wouldn't tell her I even did a job unless I had no choice. Within our marriage, I've always kept money stashed away. My husband knows about it but most of the time he has no idea how much and by his own choice, he doesn't know it's location. I primarily handle our finances and all of our investments. Every once in a while I update him and he's always surprised with how we are doing. We have had very open communication regarding money. We don't always view it the same but we usually come to an agreement before acting with any financial decisions.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

shy_guy said:


> . She told me then about her stash money, and said it was only making about 1% per year right now, and using that for jeonse would be better than what it was earning. I asked her how much she had, and I was thinking maybe $10,000.00 or something like that. She produced her numbers, and it was many times that ... it would have made a nice down payment on a house. ...
> 
> I NEVER knew she had it - never had a clue ... and that's kinda the point I guess. So as virtuous ladies go, she had to go up on the scale pretty high in the way she was raised, I suppose. It was certainly a pleasant surprise to me.


WOW....that's wonderful [email protected]# What a pleasant surprise ...that's alotta 

I've never been a stasher on my own while married, but did this when I was single..living with my step Mom ....

When we got together, it was all in the open....but funny...he DOES THIS.. in smaller amounts ... he always has this extra wad of cash unbeknownst to me.. I manage every dime.. so where he gets this I don't even know.. the last time we bought a load of groceries, he pulled this out saying it probably has mold on it ..I started laughing...literally he's been carrying it around for like 5 plus years & made a comment he'll need to replenish.. 

But really...it's more of a "stashing together" thing here....on my end.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I wish I had. It is one of my biggest regrets. Stbxh had financial secrecy our entire marriage. When he left me in that awful way, I did some investigating to understand what happened and the credit report gave me a massive panic attack. That will never happen again, even if it means I never get married again. Had I a large sum stashed, I would not be in the position I am today.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> shy_guy are your daughters following in your wife's footsteps with this approach?


I'm pretty sure younger daughter does. She doesn't tell me so in so many words, but occasionally, she'll tell me they're doing well, and that she manages money just like her mom taught her.

Older daughter is just getting started with her family. I don't think she likes the idea so much just because she expressed to me that she thought what her mom taught her to do was not straight forward. I discussed a few ways with her that she might be able to save without having the objection she did. Whatever the case, I know she's not quite as far into their marriage as younger daughter.


----------



## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

ok, I have a dirty mind... I didn't think you were referring to money when I read the title. I was trying to figure out what the heck you would stash "there"


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I personaly think its a huge double standard. All the husbands money is used for the operating of the house hold while the woman stashes incase she wants out.

I also think any man who does not partisipate in the finances of the family is lazy,too trusting,and dropping the ball.

In my opinion a open and honest relationship with everything from masterbating habits to money is the way to a long term sucessful marriage.

10"s of thousands of dollares should be invested properly to make it grow not stashed away to only make 1% with that kind of jing you could have a much more secure future and maybe even retire early if properly invested. 

while I commend you wifes frugal saving and being open with you when it could help I am also amazed that such a selfish way to go about it with giving you no input and having a plan together.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I personaly think its a huge double standard. All the husbands money is used for the operating of the house hold while the woman stashes incase she wants out.
> 
> I also think any man who does not partisipate in the finances of the family is lazy,too trusting,and dropping the ball.
> 
> ...


I understand your perspective but this is an entire different cultural paradigm to that which exists in the USA.
Gender roles were very different hence the marriage partnership is different.
I am married to an East Indian woman and the same applies.
In those cultures , the woman is literally in charge of everything under her roof. The men give the women the money, and she spends it as she sees fit , to run the house. In our country, traditionally , it was women who scouted for land , made the deals and then told her husband. They would then go purchase the land, most times with solid cash.
My maternal grandmother found out that the owner of a particular cocoa estate was selling out his estate, because he was very ill. She told my grandfather about it and persuaded him to purchase part of the estate, 24 acres. Then she provided him with the cash she had saved over the years. they have both died over a decade ago. But the area they lived has developed tremendously , and become a tourism hotspot.
The old cocoa estate is no more but,
Today,that 24 acres of land is worth millions.

There was quite a lot of merit in that system , because IMO, women are innately , nurtures first ,everything else came after.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> ok, I have a dirty mind... I didn't think you were referring to money when I read the title. I was trying to figure out what the heck you would stash "there"


The thread title would be "how many ladies practice packing?" if your dirty mind were correct.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

During our marriage my ex and I shared the income that was provided solely by me.It worked OK until I found out she was also sharing it with other guys.
Now, I'm the only one with access to my "stash" and that's the way it will be the day they drop me into the ground.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> 10"s of thousands of dollares should be invested properly to make it grow not stashed away to only make 1% with that kind of jing you could have a much more secure future and maybe even retire early if properly invested.


While appreciating the cultural differences (and intent) related to this thread, I do agree with this sentiment too.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I understand your perspective but this is an entire different cultural paradigm to that which exists in the USA.
> Gender roles were very different hence the marriage partnership is different.
> I am married to an East Indian woman and the same applies.
> In those cultures , the woman is literally in charge of everything under her roof. The men give the women the money, and she spends it as she sees fit , to run the house. In our country, traditionally , it was women who scouted for land , made the deals and then told her husband. They would then go purchase the land, most times with solid cash.
> ...


It begs the question of why get married in the first place from a mans perspective or womans for that matter!

I mean why get married if you feel the need to stash cash to protect yourself incase the marriage fails.

marriage is a failed and bullsh!t old school way of doing things.

I see no reason for it in todays world where everybody is scheming behind eachothers backs to protect themselves.

maybe I was just niave. I gave my all for the good of my family in every way shape and form. I thought that was what you were supose to do thats what families were all about. But in todays world all that is pure bull. 

from trying to be the best lover to the best provider to the best homemake and parent. But after being on here and reading for quite awhile I now realise that there is no such beast ....at least for the masses. every once in awhile you hear about a marriage that truly makes the grade so to speak but it seems to be the exception not the norm.

merry christmas everybody. 

a sad sad state of affairs. I feel like I just pull my head out of my a$$ and wiped the $hit out of my eyes and now have a clear vission of reality.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> every once in awhile you hear about a marriage that truly makes the grade so to speak but it seems to be the exception not the norm.


I think ours does. And I don't have any "mad money" as my Mom calls it. We just have joint accounts. But if one spouse want to have it ... I don't see anything wrong with it as long as the reason for having it is not suspect.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

committed4ever said:


> I think ours does. And I don't have any "mad money" as my Mom calls it. We just have joint accounts. But if one spouse want to have it ... I don't see anything wrong with it as long as the reason for having it is not suspect.


I hope your right but time will tell!


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I think right here is where it becomes apparent that I didn't get too painful and tedious with details. I expected some differences of opinions, but I think you've missed a few points, and read a few things in that were not written there. Let me walk through it.



chillymorn said:


> I personaly think its a huge double standard. All the husbands money is used for the operating of the house hold while the woman stashes incase she wants out.


If you are a mother in a country where, if your daughter's husband decided to leave her, your daughter would be left without anything she worked for, and without even so much as the next month's rent, how would you teach your daughter to take care of herself? I'm sure you would have a few examples you could look at of women who this had happened to, and it would be difficult to think of your daughter in that position. So how should she prepare for her rainy day?



chillymorn said:


> I also think any man who does not partisipate in the finances of the family is lazy,too trusting,and dropping the ball.


Let's look at how people can define division of labor. Let me give a give a strawman to show the extreme doesn't make sense, a metaphor to illustrate my philosophy on this, and then bring it into reality.

When we are driving down the road, if we don't both have our hands on the steering wheel at the same time, does that mean the one that isn't driving is lazy and is dropping the ball? That person is certainly trusting the other person with his/her life, so is that too trusting? 

On a team, not everybody plays the same position. If the receivers are trying to quarterback, the ball is never delivered downfield. With nobody playing offensive line, the best running back in the world isn't going to make much yardage.

My wife and I play different positions on our team. Some tasks we do together sometimes like folding the laundry, and these things not only allow us to share a task, but it also allows us to talk since I can be much more attentive when I have something to do than I can sitting with a cup of tea trying to communicate. These are things we have worked out over the years. 

Some tasks are more efficient when one person does them thus freeing up the other person (blocking) to do something that person is better at. I work hard, and I earn a very comfortable living. We've worked out that it is more efficient for my wife to handle things like budgeting, and decorating the house, and planning for vacations. She also has time to explore the options like investment options associated with her home country. When we need new appliances (which we did this last year), we plan for them, and decide on them together, but the daily financial concerns of our house are taken care of by her. Since we owe nothing on our cars, nothing on our kids' college, nothing on our appliances or any of our household items, and have been able to pay cash for things like our daughters' weddings and vacations, it seems to work out. Why would I complain about it? And since I am providing a good income into the family, how am I being lazy by dividing our work to let my wife use her talents which frees me up to use mine more effectively?



chillymorn said:


> In my opinion a open and honest relationship with everything from masterbating habits to money is the way to a long term sucessful marriage.


How long do we need to be together happily and successfully before I can decide we have a long term, successful marriage? Whose definition (or whose grade, if you prefer) do we use in defining a long term successful marriage? If we find we have a marriage that makes the grade, but things are implemented differently, and maybe have different cultural elements than what is defined as "the way," then might there be more than one way to have a long term successful marriage? I'm a TIMTOWTDI (There is more than one way to do it) kind of guy, myself.



chillymorn said:


> 10"s of thousands of dollares should be invested properly to make it grow not stashed away to only make 1% with that kind of jing you could have a much more secure future and maybe even retire early if properly invested.


 
Here is an area where I didn't want to go into too many painful details. The key words in what I wrote were "right now." There are many banks in the US that are based in other countries, and usually the people from those other countries are the only ones that use these banks. Many of them offer securities that are a little different from what you'd typically buy from a brokerage in the US, and there are accounts that may be different from what you'd typically put money into in the US. These types of accounts, in times when they were higher yield, are what my wife used to save for our kids' college. Currently, the yield is not high, though, so it doesn't make as much sense to keep money there, but that doesn't mean it never made sense to keep money there. That's all the details I want to give on this, except to say, my wife is no fool on this.




chillymorn said:


> while I commend you wifes frugal saving and being open with you when it could help I am also amazed that such a selfish way to go about it with giving you no input and having a plan together.


I never perceived any of this as being selfish on my wife's part. She's earned nothing but respect from me both with her talents, and with the fact that in the years we've been married, although she has often done things differently from how I would have done them (thankfully, in most cases), I have never once had any doubt that she acted with our family's best interests in mind. She's earned the right to make a few mistakes ... and has put up with a few mistakes from me (even in the area of investments). 

I welcome different viewpoints, but I want to be sure you understand what I'm talking about, and from your post, I really don't think you did.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> While appreciating the cultural differences (and intent) related to this thread, I do agree with this sentiment too.


I didn't see yours until after I answered ChillyMorn. I included the answer to this in my response to ChillyMorn. It's a good point, and I think what I said originally was rather ambiguous. It needed a little more context to be understood.


----------



## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

My husband would be furious with me if I did this, as I would be with him if he "stashed" money without my knowledge. We both discuss how to invest our surplus funds, and it strengthens our marriage to be transparent with finances.

I can understand why this works for you and Mrs. Shy, but it would drive a wedge of anger and mistrust between us.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> It begs the question of why get married in the first place from a mans perspective or womans for that matter!
> 
> I mean why get married if you feel the need to stash cash to protect yourself incase the marriage fails.
> 
> ...


We had another discussion a few months back with someone who questioned whether romance was over-emphasized in western marriages. It was a good discussion if you can still find the thread. 

Even the idea of the purpose of a marriage and what makes a successful marriage differs between cultures. The discussion on romance just highlighted a few differences. It didn't mean that romance was not one of the important elements in marriages elsewhere in the world, but traditionally, the order or priorities was a little different, and so romance may not be as high of a priority in some cultures as it is in the minds of people in the US who believe that there is no marriage without brightly glowing romance. 

But even so, sometimes, people who are here have to stop and realize what kind of board this is. Most of the people on here have troubles of some kind. It's important to remember that not everybody does, but still, there is a high concentration of troubled marriages on here. That can make even the most positive of us a bit cynical sometimes.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> My wife does this.
> I think it is a cultural thing among Hindu women.
> They always have money secretly tucked away somewhere, for whenever there's a crisis.
> They pride themselves in being able to support their husband and family financially , without having to beg anyone else for help , whenever a crisis arises..
> ...



I am Hindu but was born and raised in the U.S. I stash money. My mom taught me that. I remember growing up, I would sit with my mom and we'd open up her safe and we'd count the money because her and my dad needed it for something. I would count out thousands and thousands of dollars. It was crazy. She would tell me that she did it in case of emergencies, like a rainy day fund but not in the bank. So as an adult, I do it. I told my H about it and he got shocked with simply a few hundred dollars. I think the most I saved was $1k but then we spent it on something. I'm working on a new one right now:smthumbup:


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I never thought of it in these terms but I suppose I do this to some extent. It's definitely not cultural in my case. I entered the marriage with much more money than my husband (who in fact was in debt). I had investments and retirement funds and he had a checking account. He was completely thrilled to let me handle ALL our money, as it was pretty obvious that I was more motivated to do it. 

Pretty much from the very beginning, his knowledge/understanding of our finances was hazy. I didn't lie or hide money, but he really didn't (and continues) want to know! I would try to start a conversation about it and he would say things like "I trust you to take care of it." 

In the last few years, I have been working hard to make my pre-marriage "nest egg" into a lump sum to buy a house without a mortgage. This is my financial goal, basically: to plunk down a wad of cash and own a house on day one. I've been doing this primarily from investments rather than from saving from income because we are low-income. But I am getting there. My husband has a very hazy understanding of this as well. Sometimes he'll say something like "do you have enough money to cover us this month?" (like recently when he lost about a month's income to a strike at work) but he doesn't want the details.

I also stand to inherit a sizeable (not huge) amount of money from my parents some day and this is another imbalance as my husband's parents have nothing and will leave nothing but debt. 

It's been nice to see my husband mature financially since we met. He now sees the importance of saving for retirement, of not spending money without a plan, of not going into debt. But he's still not interested in taking over the financial reins and I'm probably too much of a control freak to give them up anyway.

One thing I will say though... at NO point, ever, did my control of our finances, or my larger savings, have ANYTHING to do with protecting myself in the event of a divorce. In the country where we live, everything would probably be split down the middle anyway. But truly, that was and is not a part of my thought process as far as finances are concerned.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I never thought of it as stashing or hoarding, but in my last marriage I steadily invested in capital improvements to the house. I guess I had a funny feeling the cash was leaking out somewhere. It was. He had many more years of experience hiding drugs, equipment, and the supporting, tricky cash flow from his own business than one could ever imagine, and I certainly was clueless. But thankfully I had steered enough value into the equity of our house that when we split up (due to my finally waking up and seeing him for the addict he was), the house sold for more than any house on our street ever had--and it was one of the smallest. This was good because he had surreptitiously bankrupted us by taking out a line of credit and nickel-and-diming it to death. My home improvements bailed us out of that near disaster and the split left us both miraculously solvent even though his attorney demanded we both file for bankruptcy (I refused). 

The problem is I still have a habit of turning cash into physical objects and in my present marriage this is upsetting my H. He sees it as shopping. I just realized it's a form of stashing. The items give me a sense of security and if necessary I can take them with me and set up housekeeping again if this marriage leaves me in trouble. I am also again making improvements to the house to ensure there is some value if we have to sell it and split the added value. You can hide jewelry or cash but you can't hide new lighting or a new bathtub. 

This terminology/understanding ("Stashing") will help us deal more honestly with some of the problems this habit has caused, so, thanks for the edification!


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Shy_Guy - you said it all perfectly. I am going through marriage difficulties right now. My H of 5.5yrs all of the sudden told me that he's not in-love with anymore and I'm not attracted to you anymore and wants to separate and we have a 7 month old daughter. In Indian culture, the emphasis on marriage is not sex and attraction, it's the person you are with. Back in the day it was unheard of that Indian people would get divorced. You stick together no matter what. Now as more and more Indian people are Americanized, all of the sudden, so many are getting divorced. My husband is Caucasian and it's so easy for him to throw away our family, regardless of what is behind the scenes. I think it's sad. My parents are both Indian and have been married for 40yrs. Was it all hugs and kisses for the 40yrs? Heck no but they stuck by one another. My mom stashed money. My dad was so grateful that she did because it saved them soooo many times. My mom not only stashed money for rainy days but for security too. She was uneducated. She only went to high school. My dad was a surgeon. She was a stay at home mom. She knew that if my dad ever divorced her, she'd be on the streets or living at other people's homes and she wouldn't have custody of my brothers and I. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

A lot of woman put their careers on the side to raise their children. This is a mutual decision the W and the H make together. The H works and the W raises the kids until a certain age and then the W will go back to her career. Well how easy do you think it is for a W to get a job in this economy after being out of the working force for 10-15 years or so? Ummm....impossible. So what if H decides to leave her? Then what happens?

I think Chilly is being a little bit naive and negative about this whole thing.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> I am Hindu but was born and raised in the U.S. I stash money. My mom taught me that. I remember growing up, I would sit with my mom and we'd open up her safe and we'd count the money because her and my dad needed it for something. I would count out thousands and thousands of dollars. It was crazy. She would tell me that she did it in case of emergencies, like a rainy day fund but not in the bank. So as an adult, I do it. I told my H about it and he got shocked with simply a few hundred dollars. I think the most I saved was $1k but then we spent it on something. I'm working on a new one right now:smthumbup:


Yes,
My wife is from an Indian / Hindu background.
We have lots of Hindus living in our country, and I know most of their family traditions are different to people in the USA.
Some of the concepts would be alien and difficult to grasp , but there are pros and cons.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I would have once been angered by something like this, even betrayed, but I'm glad that so many women know the value of saving and investing. I would love to meet a woman who understands that index funds are the way to go and you need to fight to keep every dollar you make. I think my GF is like this.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I was never taught to stash money away secretly, it seems like a backwards way to move forward. I was taught to invest in bricks and mortar as well as the evils of compounding interest in regards to debt.

Consequently I am in a great financial position, own a few investment properties with my ex that are cash flow positive and OWN my home, outright, no mortgage. And this is in one of the most expensive cities in Aussie.

The only time I would hide money away would be if I were with a man I did not trust and planned on divorcing.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

My youngest daughter is like that. When my wife and I divorced, she got an apartment and at the time she didn't get cable TV for a while and since my daughter only had a few channels on TV to watch, she went to the library, got herself a library card and became a avid reader but in the process of not having cable TV, she thought she was poor and she started saving her money. She was six at the time.

Later on my wife finally got cable but my kid was still tight fisted with money. I would give her ten bucks, she would thank me and a couple weeks later the money I gave her was still on her dresser.

One night I dropped her off at her mothers houses and forgot my wallet and told my kid to lend me five dollars for gas and I would give it back the following week. She reminded me that she was saving for college and I told her that I know and will give her the money back and by this time I'm damn near begging.

She finally gave me the money and as I took it she didn't want to let go but finally did. I gave her a kiss and thanked her and as I was leaving, she asked me not to forget the five spot because it's college money.

The next day I stopped where my ex wife works and gave her the money to give to my kid. My wife said that what's the hurry that I would see her the following weekend and I told her that if I waited until Friday, she would charge me interest and I would owe her ten dollars.

She's now 27, married and there isn't ONE RED CENT that leaves her house without her knowing about it and when her husband makes mention about something he wants, he gets this look from her and the conversation is over, done, finished, kaput. She is the banker of the house and they do well so no one has a complaint.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You know my cultural background, shy_guy, but I was never taught to secretly stash money away from my husband. Maybe people in my grandparents generation did that. I was taught to get the best education for myself, so that I could support myself through a great job. My parents are very frugal. So from a young age, I was taught to save as much as possible. When I went to college, I won several academic scholarships. Since I didn't really need the money (my parents paid for college), I invested the money instead. This was back when tech stocks were doing well. When my husband and I wanted to buy our first car, we used some of my investment money to buy the car outright paying cash. We used those investments I made to go on trips, buy things we needed as a newly married couple. 

I don't think my husband would be thrilled if I hid thousands of dollars from him. I wouldn't feel right doing it. It feels dishonest. I would feel the same way if he did it to me. I understand mrs. shy_guy is an immigrant without a career of her own, so it's understandable for her and others in her situation to have a secret stash of money. It's just not something I would do for myself.


----------



## HeartInPieces (Sep 13, 2013)

My mom did teach me to “stash” and I do have a stash. For the most part my SO and I work out all the finance together. We usually come up with a month budget and it’s my job to make sure we don’t go over it. The problem comes with hubby who likes to invest very heavily so he is a risk taker and it scares me. I much rather save as much as possible. We worked it out so he could continue to invest in whatever he thought was a good investment but we had to agree a certain amount we need to cover expenses and how much we should put in our savings.

I don’t feel as if it’s any bad since my husband knows I do it. I most do it since it was what I was taught. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing but it could be since most if a not all my aunts also do it. I never really asked my mom why. My mother is from South America and Latin America is a very male dominated world. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a cultural thing.


----------



## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> You know my cultural background, shy_guy, but I was never taught to secretly stash money away from my husband. Maybe people in my grandparents generation did that. I was taught to get the best education for myself, so that I could support myself through a great job. My parents are very frugal. So from a young age, I was taught to save as much as possible. When I went to college, I won several academic scholarships. Since I didn't really need the money (my parents paid for college), I invested the money instead. This was back when tech stocks were doing well. When my husband and I wanted to buy our first car, we used some of my investment money to buy the car outright paying cash. We used those investments I made to go on trips, buy things we needed as a newly married couple.
> 
> I don't think my husband would be thrilled if I hid thousands of dollars from him. I wouldn't feel right doing it. It feels dishonest. I would feel the same way if he did it to me. I understand mrs. shy_guy is an immigrant without a career of her own, so it's understandable for her and others in her situation to have a secret stash of money. It's just not something I would do for myself.


Mrs. Shy was able to run a business successfully before I took a job that required travel, then we decided she wanted to be free to follow me when I travelled. I feel pretty confident she could do that again if needed, but you bring up a *very* good follow-up question.

In the cultures where this has been taught over the generations, is it going away now as education is being stressed to daughters more and more? Cultures change, I know.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My mother's lesson: "Men are unpredictable and fickle.Don't let one leave you high and dry with no way to take care of yourself. NEVER count on a man to take care of you EVER."

I heard this at least 3 times a week my entire childhood. 

Those sort of lessons from mom haunt you into adulthood.I've always had my own money.Even when I was broke I still stashed my pennies away.

DH is the only man to ever know I squirrel away money...it takes time for those damaging childhood lessons to fade. We changed that private account into a joint account and now he contributes to the squirrel-away fund too.

It wasn't cultural for me.It was a life lesson from distrustful and damaged woman.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

For God's sake people,please read and understand what the OP is saying.

This has absolutely nothing to do with distrusting your husband or planning for divorce.
It has everything to do with securing , in your own way , your family's future in case of an emergency. It's your FAMILY'S money, not YOURS.

That people should try to inject that type of negative connotation / dynamic to this centuries old cultural practice which the OP very CLEARLY explained , speaks volumes.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> For God's sake people,please read and understand what the OP is saying.
> 
> This has absolutely nothing to do with distrusting your husband or planning for divorce.
> It has everything to do with securing , in your own way , your family's future in case of an emergency. It's your FAMILY'S money, not YOURS.
> ...


For God's sake,CB,I read it and fully understand how it can be positive.
For me,it has roots in mistrust instilled in me by my mother that I chose not to drag into my marriage.Had it been taught differently I might view it differently but it wasn't and I don't.
It's OUR money and that's why there is no secret squirreling.We put it away together.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> For God's sake,CB,I read it and fully understand how it can be positive.
> For me,it has roots in mistrust instilled in me by my mother that I chose not to drag into my marriage.Had it been taught differently I might view it differently but it wasn't and I don't.
> It's OUR money and that's why there is no secret squirreling.We put it away together.


Scarlet,
I wasn't referring to you or your marriage.
No part of that dynamic which I outlined in my post was mentioned in your post.

You never said that you were " planning for divorce" or " distrusted your husband."

I fully understood your post to mean the _in your case_, your mother gave that practice a negative connotation.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Scarlet,
> I wasn't referring to you or your marriage.
> No part of that dynamic which I outlined in my post was mentioned in your post.
> 
> ...


 I'm fairly sure many of the women posting were taught similar lessons.


----------



## Solitaire (Oct 26, 2012)

My mother had her "stash". But it wasn't ever much - just enough to buy presents so my father wouldn't know how much her gifts to him cost. 

I found when I was on my own and in desperate need of money that finding $10 in a drawer saved me. So, that expanded. I know it drives my husband crazy but he accepts it. I have money in drawers & other places. I have my own account that he can also see. I gather all the change in the house and stash anything extra. Perhaps it's for security but I have also found, since I don't work, it is really nice to be able to purchase his gifts without him seeing the credit card bill. I have also been able to pay off a loan as a surprise for him. 
Now to be perfectly honest, I wish I had more. I don't know where my marriage is going to end up and I haven't worked in 16 years. I'm scared that I don't know how to take care of myself. But on the reverse, if I did have lots, it would feel dishonest. 
So, now you have my story.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm fairly sure many of the women posting were taught similar lessons.


That's why the OP said it's a different cultural practice.
So implying that type of negative dynamic to those who do it, doesn't make sense.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> In the cultures where this has been taught over the generations, is it going away now as education is being stressed to daughters more and more? Cultures change, I know.


Yes. That's my experience of it as someone from a cultural background similar to your wife's. What was acceptable in my grandmother's generation in is now evolving into "be a doctor, engineer, accountant..", "get a degree for yourself", so that you can provide for yourself. Education is now the insurance against a bad husband or tight family finances. You can help the family when times are tight. You can help yourself if your husband dies, leaves you. 

These days the daughters get as much pressure to attend prestigious universities as the sons do. Daughters strongly encouraged to enter male dominated fields. Their accomplishments are bragged about the way their brothers' accomplishments are. Among my cousins and friends from the same background, I don't know anyone who secretly stashes money the way our grandmothers did.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> That's why the OP said it's a different cultural practice.
> So implying that type of negative dynamic to those who do it, doesn't make sense.


Well, the OP's first reason listed was due to preparation in case of divorce:



> 1) In her country, if a man left or divorced his wife, the man got everything, and the woman was basically left with nothing. Stashing some of the household income was a way for her to protect herself against the worst case scenario.


So there are some less marriage friendly reasons.

That being said, I don't have a problem with someone doing it as long as they are up front about it. Sure it is a tough discussion, but that's marriage.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I can only go by the culture I live and my expectations of marriage. Which were formed by my life experiances through my parents,family,and friends.

to me its a deal breaker. it insinuates that my wife didn't trust me to need a back up plan. while I realise that half of all marriages fail its still a trust issue and maybe thats why half of all marriages fail.

now on the other hand if an agreement was reached about keeping finances seperate and being open to haveing a stash for emergencies that is shielded from eachother then that would be ok .

everything thing else in my mind for my culture how I was raised is unacceptable for me personaly.

thats just how I roll.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> now on the other hand if an agreement was reached about keeping finances seperate and being open to haveing a stash for emergencies that is shielded from eachother then that would be ok .


This^^ is how I understand it to be.
Although some women do it without informing their husband , the money isn't meant for her but the family, in case of an emergency.

Example. 
Husband lost his job , and only has enough money saved to see them through one year, but he would like to maybe start his own business. Takes half his savings, his wife comes out with her stash , now they can start the business, overcome the first few months of losses and still have money to pay the mortgage and live.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I do (my husband knows about it), for me it's individual.
Seeing how quickly and drastically situations can change and how drastically things can go turn for the worst (plus living through the fallout) I don't think there's ever a chance I couldn't stash.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

.
Although some women do it without informing their husband , the money isn't meant for her but the family, in case of an emergency.

unexceptable being open and trusting is key at least for me.

I rather not be married!!!!!!


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

For my mum sake I wish she stashed without my dad's knowledge (or maybe with he's knowledge but in a separate account), so I see where there are circumstances this logic could apply.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> I do (my husband knows about it), for me it's individual.
> Seeing how quickly and drastically situations can change and how drastically things can go turn for the worst (plus living through the fallout) I don't think there's ever a chance I couldn't stash.


During the 08 meltdown , I lost some money, but could have lost a whole lot more if I hadn't listened to my wife. She was scared of certain investment and the risk attached to them.

But I know for sure, if I had lost a lot of money she would have helped me back on my feet.
She always has money stashed away.
I don't ever enquire how much, I just know it's there.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> During the 08 meltdown , I lost some money, but could have lost a whole lot more if I hadn't listened to my wife. She was scared of certain investment and the risk attached to them.
> 
> But I know for sure, if I had lost a lot of money she would have helped me back on my feet.
> She always has money stashed away.
> I don't ever enquire how much, I just know it's there.


are you sure you would have lost a whole lot more?

I am not trying to be a d1ck but I left my money alone and all the scardy cats that pulled their money out ...realized a loss while my money came back and I ended up making a nice gain. 

on another thought right now would be the time to move some money to safer investment as the market has climbed back and then some. My guess is another adjustment is coming.

timing is everything.

while you move your money to safer investments keep buying what you were and rinse and repeat

dollar cost averaging!!!!! the trick is to make a move before the top so to avoid realizing a loss


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I don't know if this is considered the same, but I found out my ex wife had done this AFTER our separation agreements were signed... So basically, too late for me to do anything about.

We shared our finances, and had one bank account, which we both had access to. Both of our incomes went directly into that account. Because we were both self-employed, it wasn't difficult to "hold back" on some of the deposits and siphon off the top - which she did.

So the separation agreement was signed, giving each of us 50% of everything (minus personal belongings, of course), and 50% of whatever cash was at hand, regardless of which one of us may have made more over the years (me...).

Months after she moved out, the mail arrived one day, and I, without looking at who it was addressed to, opened it. I had assumed that she had changed the address on all her mail/banking, etc. so I didn't even look at the name on it. It was from my/our bank, along with several other pieces of mail (which DID have my name on it). It was an account close statement, for an account I had no idea existed, and was in her name only. Over $20k (closer to 25), cashed out and (presumably) moved to another bank.

I brought this to my lawyer, who basically felt for me, but said there was nothing he could do at that point. Agreements had already been signed, too late. He said I COULD have fought this, but it likely would have been tied up for a long time, and that it would cost me more than I was willing to spend, and the end result wouldn't do me much good, other than add to my stress levels. I considered it, but in the end, decided against it.

I emailed her (that was our only method of contact by that point) and she never responded.

So in the end, it basically ended up being a "stash" for when she left me. Not cool. There were a few times over those last couple of years (when she had started her ea) that we could have used that money for emergencies, but instead, we took out a line of credit, or used our credit cards. Makes me angry just thinking about it now.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

alexm said:


> I don't know if this is considered the same, but I found out my ex wife had done this AFTER our separation agreements were signed... So basically, too late for me to do anything about.
> 
> We shared our finances, and had one bank account, which we both had access to. Both of our incomes went directly into that account. Because we were both self-employed, it wasn't difficult to "hold back" on some of the deposits and siphon off the top - which she did.
> 
> ...


I think this happens more frequently than most peole realise.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> are you sure you would have lost a whole lot more?
> 
> I am not trying to be a d1ck but I left my money alone and all the scardy cats that pulled their money out ...realized a loss while my money came back and I ended up making a nice gain.
> 
> ...


Yep.

I was about to invest $200K into special medium term fund offering between 8 - 10 % , but my wife was iffy.
So I decided to do it , but in tranches of $50K every quarter for one year.
After the first three months , then came the meltdown and the downward spiral.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> are you sure you would have lost a whole lot more?
> 
> I am not trying to be a d1ck but I left my money alone and all the scardy cats that pulled their money out ...realized a loss while my money came back and I ended up making a nice gain.
> 
> ...


Agree with you from the POV that people could educate themselves better about money and how to create wealth. The only time I would chicken out of the equities market is if I was close to retirement. Markets (equities and property - in Australia) is very cyclical so unless people are sitting on really crappy shares then there is not so much need to panic. It is not smart investing.
I only buy ASX200 shares and mostly they pay 100% franked dividends so even when they drop, they eventually come back up and they continue to pay tax paid dividends.

Hiding money away at 1% interest makes no sense from a wealth creation POV. 

Anywhere around the 5 - 7 year mark from retirement and I would be getting out of risky shares and heading towards Blue Chip/cash or property.


----------

