# night shift woes....



## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

So, I've been working night shift for about 6 years now. I leave for work at 5pm, and I don't get home until about 715am. I've been married now for about a year and a half, we've been together for more than 6 years now. We have 4 kids total, my wife has 2 older from a previous marriage....11 and 13. And we have 2 young kids between us, 2 and 4. 

The issues have been stacking up lately, I can't seem to get anything right. She said she wants more help, I do whatever I can on my days off to help, and in the times before I go to work and after I get home I am doing whatever I can to help. She said she wants me to be more involved, except anytime I assert myself as a parent with the older 2 I catch all kinds of flak. 

I feel like I come home....sleep...and then leave for work. The older 2 don't respect me because my wife freely yells and screams at me in front of them. Exposing all the shortcomings that she sees. What little time I do take for myself, which is at the most 45 min to an hour once a week is thrown back in my face. I'm always asking her to take time for herself, to get out and do something. But she refuses....

When it comes to arguing.....she doesn't hold back, she bullies the conversation by her screaming. I HATE to be yelled at, and I HATE raising my voice. ESPECIALLY when the kids are around. I've told her time to don't argue in front of the kids, don't scream while they are here, and DON'T cuss in front of them. But she doesn't care....she lets loose regardless if there are kids present. It really upsets me and she knows how I feel about it. 
What makes it worse is when we argue during the days I work, she makes me watch the kids while she shuts herself in the bathroom or bedroom. So, I end up staying up watching kids instead of getting sleep for the upcoming night. 

I know this has turned more into a rant and a venting session. But I just don't know what to do.....I'm tired of being yelled at and made to feel bad about working nights. I just want to pack my bags and leave....


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'd sit her down and just ask her if she wants a divorce. 

If yes, so be it.

If no, ask her what you can do and what she can do to prevent one. Draw up a plan and stick to it.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Well....that's another thing. Every time we argue....she tells me to leave, literally every 3 or 4 weeks I'm being told to pack my stuff and leave. All because I'm sticking to my guns.. Except I'm not the kind of man who can just leave, but its getting to the point where I want to....and that scares the @#$% out of me. 

We've sat down and made a plan...rules etc....but as soon as I'm at work....all that goes down the toilet.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

gemineyed said:


> Well....that's another thing. Every time we argue....she tells me to leave, literally every 3 or 4 weeks I'm being told to pack my stuff and leave. All because I'm sticking to my guns.. Except I'm not the kind of man who can just leave, but its getting to the point where I want to....and that scares the @#$% out of me.
> 
> We've sat down and made a plan...rules etc....but as soon as I'm at work....all that goes down the toilet.


I only have two other suggestions...

1) Accountability counseling

2) Leave for a few weeks and see how that goes.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

gemineyed, you are clearly being used as a means to finance the lifestyle your wife desires. She makes things as uncomfortable for you as possible so you will prefer to work sixteen hours rather than to have to endure her ranting.
Do you really expect to live long enough to enjoy retirement if you stay with her?


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I only have two other suggestions...
> 
> 1) Accountability counseling
> 
> 2) Leave for a few weeks and see how that goes.



Thanks man....I was thinking along the same lines..
I'll see what I can do about either or both. 


Its one thing to get the opinion of a professional....and its another to hear it from someone who has actual real life experience with a similar situation. That's why I came here....I know the option to speak with a professional is always there...


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

hookares said:


> gemineyed, you are clearly being used as a means to finance the lifestyle your wife desires. She makes things as uncomfortable for you as possible so you will prefer to work sixteen hours rather than to have to endure her ranting.
> Do you really expect to live long enough to enjoy retirement if you stay with her?


At this rate I'll end up in the looney bin.....I've tolerated things so far to this point because of the kids. And honestly, I have been picking up a lot of extra work...


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

My husband works nights and sleeps days. It sucks. I feel for both you and your wife. I have to admit that I am guilty of asking him to help out with the parenting and then yelling at him or over ruling him when he tries. It's hard because I feel like I'm a single parent and I have no support from him. We've grown so far apart since he started working nights 10 years ago. We became like roommates. Even on his days off he stays up all night and sleeps into the afternoon because thats what his body is use too.,i only have one child so I can imagine how stressful it is with 4.,


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Flygirl said:


> My husband works nights and sleeps days. It sucks. I feel for both you and your wife. I have to admit that I am guilty of asking him to help out with the parenting and then yelling at him or over ruling him when he tries. It's hard because I feel like I'm a single parent and I have no support from him. We've grown so far apart since he started working nights 10 years ago. We became like roommates. Even on his days off he stays up all night and sleeps into the afternoon because thats what his body is use too.,i only have one child so I can imagine how stressful it is with 4.,


One of her favorite things to say whilst arguing is "I feel like a single parent most the time...I might as well be!" I honestly help out when I get home as long as my body allows it to....but I get to a point where I can't keep my eyes open...no matter how bad I want to. At the end of my work week I'll grab a few hours of sleep and then wake up around noon, from then on until I go back to work I'm on a normal day schedule...sleeping at night. 

That would be so hard if you never really saw your husband....I understand thats what your body gets used to, but you can't maintain a marriage like that. It honestly sounds a little selfish for him to do that. For me, its hard that first day....but at least I'm basically on the same schedule as the rest of the family after that.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your out of the house 14 hours a day to provide and she wants you to help around the house??? Is she a SAHM? I work nights also but my day is under 10 hours. I go to sleep as soon as I get home and give my boys baths and get them ready for bed, light cleaning but that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Your out of the house 14 hours a day to provide and she wants you to help around the house??? Is she a SAHM? I work nights also but my day is under 10 hours. I go to sleep as soon as I get home and give my boys baths and get them ready for bed, light cleaning but that's it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah...she doesn't understand why I can't get up 20-30 min earlier so I can help out. Aslo....its not like I'm getting solid sleep all the time. There are days, more times than not, that I'm getting woken up every hour to hour and a half because she's yelling at the kids. 

I really do what I can to help....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Leave the house at 5 pm and get back home at 7 am. I'm assuming you are working 12 hour shifts with an hour long commute. If you are doing 12 hour shifts, don't you work 4 days one week and 3 days the other week? If you 12 hours involves overtime, is it a temporary situation? And finally, has your wife always been this way or has she turned into an angry person over time? 

Ideally, if you can get off the night shift that would be ideal. Otherwise, if you can't then I'd recommend trying to find a place closer to work to cut down on the commute (it that's a factor). 

If your wife has always been domineering and aggressive with you even when dating, then there isn't much you can do about it aside from to start sticking up for yourself and taking back your respect. If she's transformed into this, then it's probably related to your long hours and the night shift. In that case, changing jobs may save your marriage. Still, you will need to fight for respect from your wife.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

poor kids. poor you. if she's yelling all of the time at you and the kids, she is stressed and out of control. Is she a SAHM, or a WAHM? It doesn't even matter, though. She should not be yelling at you and making your life a living hell. poor kids. it's so hard to witness this. i know. it sucks.

it is time for your exit plan. she tells you to leave every 3-4 weeks and this is what you want to stay married to? don't stay in it for the kids. it's time to go. sorry.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Leave the house at 5 pm and get back home at 7 am. I'm assuming you are working 12 hour shifts with an hour long commute. If you are doing 12 hour shifts, don't you work 4 days one week and 3 days the other week? If you 12 hours involves overtime, is it a temporary situation? And finally, has your wife always been this way or has she turned into an angry person over time?
> 
> Ideally, if you can get off the night shift that would be ideal. Otherwise, if you can't then I'd recommend trying to find a place closer to work to cut down on the commute (it that's a factor).
> 
> If your wife has always been domineering and aggressive with you even when dating, then there isn't much you can do about it aside from to start sticking up for yourself and taking back your respect. If she's transformed into this, then it's probably related to your long hours and the night shift. In that case, changing jobs may save your marriage. Still, you will need to fight for respect from your wife.



Yeah, I work 6pm to 630am. 35-40 min commute. Ideally you would think getting off night shift would make things better. But I've thought about that. This is what I came up with: Day shift, I would have to leave the house around 5am, I wouldn't get home until 715pm or so. So really, I would only get about 2 hours with the family total on a typical work day. As it is now, I get about an hour and a half in the morning, and then about 2 hours before I head off to work in the evening. So, it looks like I would be around less if I worked days. However, the kicker is, is that I would be able to sleep with my wife...everynight.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

You guys definitely need to sit down and talk. 

My husband worked the overnight shift for about a year and a half and it was AWFUL. His days off were Tuesday and Wednesday so on the weekends when myself and our young son were home, he would sleep most of the day, we would eat dinner and then he would leave again. It affected every aspect of our life and I was sooooo unhappy. It made our sex life almost non-existent. We couldn't cuddle and watch movies at night anymore. We had zero alone time because the only time I saw him was when I got home from work just a couple hours before he had to leave and at that time of day our son was around playing (he was 2 and 3 years old so we couldn't just sneak away, he needed to be watched). I was very lonely. I had no one to talk about my day with before bed. No one there to spend time with. Basically adult interaction at home. I felt like a single parent. I was drained and exhausted and I felt like I had the world on my shoulders. It got to the point that even when he was around, I was still angry at him for never being around thus I hardly enjoyed moments with him during that loooonnnngg year and a half. 

My best advice to you is to try and work a day shift job, it will save your marriage.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: night shift woes....*



gemineyed said:


> Yeah, I work 6pm to 630am. 35-40 min commute. Ideally you would think getting off night shift would make things better. But I've thought about that. This is what I came up with: Day shift, I would have to leave the house around 5am, I wouldn't get home until 715pm or so. So really, I would only get about 2 hours with the family total on a typical work day. As it is now, I get about an hour and a half in the morning, and then about 2 hours before I head off to work in the evening. So, it looks like I would be around less if I worked days. However, the kicker is, is that I would be able to sleep with my wife...everynight.


Yes! Working a day shift would get you 2 hours with your kids after work. But 4 or 5 with your wife. 2-3 of those being along together, which is what she needs.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

gemineyed said:


> Yeah, I work 6pm to 630am. 35-40 min commute. Ideally you would think getting off night shift would make things better. But I've thought about that. This is what I came up with: Day shift, I would have to leave the house around 5am, I wouldn't get home until 715pm or so. So really, I would only get about 2 hours with the family total on a typical work day. As it is now, I get about an hour and a half in the morning, and then about 2 hours before I head off to work in the evening. So, it looks like I would be around less if I worked days. However, the kicker is, is that I would be able to sleep with my wife...everynight.


So how many days/week are you typically working? If you are pulling in a lot of overtime, then that can't be sustained long term. But if you are working a typical 12 hour schedule, you should be rotating between 3 to 4 days of work a week. In hindsight, it would be hard to move a whole lot closer to work I'm guessing. 

Assuming I understand the situation, why would your wife be getting all bent out of shape if you will have 3 - 4 days off every week? The flip side is that why are you trying to squeeze that extra hour of family time a day by killing yourself on nights when you could be at least sleeping with your wife every night and you can still have 3 to 4 days per week of family time?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The night shift sucks, my dad worked it for years and it's very difficult to have a family life that way. Your wife IS basically a single parent, and you are always going to be sleep deprived and somewhat disconnected from your family. None of it is your fault, it's just the nature of the night shift (great, now I have the song in my head). I think you should start looking for a day job, even if you leave your wife it's going to be hard to spend much quality time with your kids on this schedule. Maybe with a normal schedule and MC you guys can put things together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

gemineyed said:


> Yeah, I work 6pm to 630am. 35-40 min commute. Ideally you would think getting off night shift would make things better. But I've thought about that. This is what I came up with: Day shift, I would have to leave the house around 5am, I wouldn't get home until 715pm or so. So really, I would only get about 2 hours with the family total on a typical work day. As it is now, I get about an hour and a half in the morning, and then about 2 hours before I head off to work in the evening. So, it looks like I would be around less if I worked days. *However, the kicker is, is that I would be able to sleep with my wife...everynight*.


Don't discount this. With your schedule it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you are not sleeping with your wife you are going to have intimacy issues.

Early in my career and marriage I was in a position that with as little as a couple hours notice I could be pulling ANY of the three 8-hour shifts in a 24 hour period (*and* on 24 hour on-call via pager too). So in any given week it was not unheard of to work 8-5 twice, 5pm-2am once and 1am-9am twice, with some of the shifts turning into 16 hour shifts.

It was absolute hell on our marriage and by far the largest contributor to our early struggles.

My advice... if you have an opportunity to get on a consistent day schedule do it. Then go from there and specifically address the berating in front of the kids. That is not acceptable.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your wife is a bully. A screaming banshee. This has nothing to do with the hours you work. This is about respect. She has none for you. 

My grandfather was a fisherman who stayed gone out to see for weeks at a time. My grandmother stayed home and raised six children virtually by herself. She honored my grandfather and loved him fiercely. They were married for sixty one years until my grandfather's death. She never complained once, and whenever he was home they spent as much time as they could together before he would have to go back out to sea. 

Now compare that to the mean tempered wolverine you married. 

Walk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

Night shift is the worst! My husband worked the night shift for awhile, and even on his days off he was just constantly exhausted. He has recently switched his schedule to 2:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. and it is SO MUCH BETTER. He gets regular sleep and I get to see him more often. We're both happier.

It doesn't seem like it, but just being able to sleep together each night makes such a difference. If you can change your schedule I would recommend giving that a try. As of now you two probably spend no time together without the kids. You need to sleep all day after work so she is taking care of the kids/household alone, then you're there for a couple hours before you leave for work and she is by herself again all night. Two-year-old's and four-year-old's can be pretty mentally exhausting.. maybe she has some built up resentment. It definitely sounds like she needs more breaks then she is getting (you as well), and the two of you need more time spent alone together. Which I know is hard to accommodate when you have four kids and work/sleep opposite schedules.

I don't think yelling at you or swearing in front of the kids is acceptable behavior. If my spouse was constantly telling me to leave and undermining me in front of our children, I think I would eventually leave. She doesn't appreciate you or treat you with respect. Maybe if you separated for awhile she would realize how much harder life actually is without you there. 

Do you have any family or close friends that could babysit so she could have some breaks, or you guys could have some time alone together?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

WHen is Machiavelli of ban... He would be good here.

At some point I would be like. OK I grant your wish. You are now a single parent!


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

gemineyed said:


> One of her favorite things to say whilst arguing is "I feel like a single parent most the time...I might as well be!" I honestly help out when I get home as long as my body allows it to....but I get to a point where I can't keep my eyes open...no matter how bad I want to. At the end of my work week I'll grab a few hours of sleep and then wake up around noon, from then on until I go back to work I'm on a normal day schedule...sleeping at night.
> 
> That would be so hard if you never really saw your husband....I understand thats what your body gets used to, but you can't maintain a marriage like that. It honestly sounds a little selfish for him to do that. For me, its hard that first day....but at least I'm basically on the same schedule as the rest of the family after that.


I tiptoe around the house during the day so I don't wake him. Not because I have to but because he works hard and needs to sleep. I do everything around the house and all the childcare. My son is a teen now though which makes it easier. What bothers me the most is that I do everything alone. It gets very lonely. It sounds like you do your share but your wife is too overwhelmed to notice. Resentments seem to be building up. I begged my husband to work normal hours but he won't. I finally gave up and just learned to live with it. His days off aren't in a row so it doesn't seem fair to expect him to alter his sleep schedule. In order to spend time with him, I end up staying up late with him on his nights off and getting 3 hours sleep, wake up and get my son to school and come back home and nap. I can only imagine how hard it is to have 4 kids. She needs a break at least one day a week. Can you afford help?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Can you switch shifts? Or sound insulate a sleeping room and put locks on the doors?


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Thank you all for your input and perspectives. The job that I have is amazing....It pays very well, and I seem to be really good at it. The down side is, of course, its a night shift. And the chances for changing shifts are remote to none, in the foreseeable future anyways. It would be really hard to walk away from what I've worked so hard to achieve. 

What makes things even more complicated and difficult, is that right now we're in the middle of 'good times,' where we all are getting along together, things seem to be going smoothly and she seems to be very happy and content. All seems to be ok in the universe. But I know...without any kind of warning, out of the blue, things are going to go south, fast. Another thing about these 'good times,' is that I don't know if she thinks I forget about all the names she called me and all the terrible things she said to me, or maybe she doesn't think its a big deal. I dunno, but for me...that kind of stuff sticks in my brain....I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. 

My work schedule really isn't that bad....on my short week I work sun mon and tue nights. On my long week, I work sun thru wed night. So I get a lot of time at home. I think the problem is, as many of you have pointed out, we don't get our adult time. I've virtually kicked her out of the house a couple times....I tell her "you have the whole day....or afternoon...whatever you want. I got the kids...now go!" but she refuses. As far as date nights, it happens, I know not nearly often enough. But when we can afford it, and we can can find a babysitter we go for it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I know I shouldn't let it bother me


Say's who?!!

Your wife is a miserable angry woman who will ruin her children's lives. I don't know if you have daughters, but your wife is responsible for a lot of the failed relationships they've got carved on their destiny. Your sons too will end up being *****-whipped, enrolling in abusive relationships. There's hope for your son(s), but very little for daughters with such mothers.

As for you my friend, here it is in plain English:

Grow some f***ing balls and put her in her place by drawing some boundaries.

You can quote this:

"I'm out 14 hours a day working so your spoiled ass can concentrate on raising our children. If my reward is your disgusting attitude and cuss words, we might as well get divorced so I can find a companion who is not abusive and perhaps even appreciative"

That's really it. You want to make sure she knows where this is going: DIVORCE

If she doesn't want divorce, she better smarten up.

After 14 hours away from home, you should not be coming home to a yelling angry wife and 4 children who are probably like her teammates against you. F*** that kind of life. You deserve a lot better and can make it happen very quickly if she drives you over the edge.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Say's who?!!
> 
> Your wife is a miserable angry woman who will ruin her children's lives. I don't know if you have daughters, but your wife is responsible for a lot of the failed relationships they've got carved on their destiny. Your sons too will end up being *****-whipped, enrolling in abusive relationships. There's hope for your son(s), but very little for daughters with such mothers.
> 
> ...


Holy #$%^ man....

You nailed it. I think the reason why I haven't left yet is because I feel like I need to be a buffer between her and the kids. Until recently, I've tossed my own well being out the window....the last thing I wanted was my kids to grow up in a broken home. 

[email protected]#$%

Thanks Synthetic....I think all I need is a swift kick in the a$$.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

Back up... Stop playing the victim. It goes without saying that everyone who posts will always tell their side but what about your wife's? She's raising 4 kids 2 of which are in the most difficult period of parenting. Does she want to be a sahm or is it more of a have to? 

I work night shift at my primary job and 2nd shift at my 2nd. My dh and I don't have kids which I am thankful for because we'd never get time together otherwise. How do you think your wife feels not having that freedom. You said she doesn't want to go out when you're off... Did you even stop to think it's because SHE MIGHT WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER FLIPPING HUSBAND? 

STOP BEING SELFISH! 

YOU'RE the one who chooses to work the job YOU work because YOU don't want all YOUR hard work to go down the drain. 

You might as well not even be there. She doesn't get to be held in bed. She's the one who deals with sick kids in the middle of the night. She runs around after the kids and (I'm assuming) keeps it at least decently clean which is difficult with 2 under 5 years old. 

It's supposed to be a partnership not a 1 man band. Yes, you pay the bills and keep food on the table, but obviously you can't do much else. She has to be both a mom and a dad while all you are doing is tearing her down. She did it by herself before you and can do it alone again. That's her mindset I guarantee you. 

My advice? FIND A DIFFERENT JOB!! No job is worth your marriage and family over, and if you can't at least try that then maybe you shouldn't have gotten married. Yes, when you got with her you were working the same hours, but you aren't just dating anymore. Work 8 hr DAYS and you'll be surprised just how much time you have extra. 

You want your wife to respect you? Prove to her you actually care about her. Work on your relationship not for the kids but for you and your wife.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

I will reiterate. You may work 12 hrs a day but she works more. 

People just don't understand how much time goes into being a sahm. She's on duty 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year. 

She yells because she is frustrated. If she knew about TAM she'd probably post and people would be telling her to kick your a$$ out. Your kids aren't against you. They don't respect you because they barely know you, NOT because she's turning them against you. 

It doesn't matter who you're married to, if YOU don't change your marriage will fail. If you end this one and do the same bull$hit in the next chances are the next one would end the same way.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Youngwifeylovesherhubby said:


> I will reiterate. You may work 12 hrs a day but she works more.
> 
> People just don't understand how much time goes into being a sahm. She's on duty 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year.
> 
> ...



Ya know....I just got done typing out a very lengthy reply. And then it occurred to me, I'm just wasting my time. Yes....for your situation it sounds like you got everything figured out. Good for you. But having kids and having a mixed family brings you into a whole other world, it creates a whole new realm of every emotion. Having kids isn't for everyone, and it sounds like your better off without them, again, good for you. But I am blessed with two lives that are a part of me, they are my flesh and blood. And I would do ANYTHING for them. ANYTHING. And for them I try. But I'm nearly to my wits end. 

My wife is a grown woman, if she wanted to change her life and the way things are, she has been given every outlet and tool that I can provide to do so. But, I am NOT going to stand by and watch her YELL AND SCREAM AND CUSS at ANY kids, whether their mine or not. IT KILLS ME TO SEE THEM CRY BECAUSE SHE IS SCREAMING AT THEM. 

So...with all due respect. I came to listen and learn from what others in similar situations have gone through, I don't appreciate you making me try to feel like a f-up. I've heard that enough from my wife. 

I am done.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

deleted...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

gemineyed,

I'm glad you decided not to get engaged in a fruitless discussion.

At the end of the day, you are who you are and no woman in the world is going to change you. I know most of them get married with the hope of changing their man towards perfection, but it never happens. Many women realize this and find comfort in life despite all their husbands' flaws. Some of them don't.

Your wife definitely has her side of the story. I would say she's probably justified in many of her feelings (feelings are always justified anyway). This doesn't change anything.

You are who you are. She is who she is. The deal-breaker here is her attitude and anger. If she doesn't address it, she will lose you. Without a doubt.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Ignore any opinion that justifies emotional abuse. 

The screaming and undermining in front of the children, the lose-lose situation with demanding help but then defeating your attempts, the complaining about having 24/7 duty but then refusing to take time off with you watching the kids: all manipulative emotional warfare.

None of which is justified by your work. Notice how it is portrayed by one poster that the SAHM should recieve all praise and glory, how much sacrifice it is - and the husband is this evil enemy who brings all of this upon the wife, suffering nothing himself from not being able to sleep with the wife or have as much time with the kids. All black and white: wife good, husband bad. So her abuse of the husband is justified.

The husband receives no thanks for his work, just contempt. And the rich irony in it is saying how selfish the husband is - when this one-sided attitude is what's so obviously selfish. Applied to the husband, he should come home and beat the wife because he doesn't get to sleep with her on account of his work. He's lonely. So a couple of black eyes are in order. 

In this situation of emotional abuse you need to first try counseling because obviously a reasonable person at least admits that screaming is wrong and abusive. They apologize for it. Counseling will provide an unbiased referee to call her on that and get her to admit change is necessary there. Along with a united front to the children.

The decision to stay with an abusive spouse on behalf of the children is much worse than parting. Because the two things they are learning is that screaming is fine, it gets you what you want; abusive behavior is normal, and on the other hand if you have an abusive spouse your duty is to stay with them and suffer through that abuse instead of choosing a partner that treats you with respect. 

In the meantime, a trial separation might also be good because you also need to remove yourself from abuse in the interest of your mental health. You are no good to your children dead of a heart attack or stroke or any number of other health-induced problems. They don't need to see this sick interaction either.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Thank you Wiserforit. That is some good, solid feedback, exactly what I was looking for. 

Thank you for your insight.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Well, just as an update. We had many discussions the last 2 weeks. She let me know how she felt, and that she was sick and tired of the way things were going, and asked me when the earliest I could move out. 

Two days after that I was out. I moved in with a buddy of mine. It is by far the hardest thing I've done. The hard part wasn't being away from my wife, it was being away from my kids. But I have some peace knowing that they aren't being exposed to the arguing, screaming, cussing, and name calling that was going on before hand. That in itself is making this whole transition easier. 

I was told this morning that the kids don't even notice that I'm gone. I don't understand why she would tell me this, aside from the fact that she's trying to further push the knife in.


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## Yeehaw (Jun 30, 2013)

Nightshift work is hard to manage for many reasons. The sleeplessness alone used to leave me slightly psychotic. It sounds like you have great patience. I think intentional couple time and clearly defined boundaries for sleep and house help would be great. She sounds like she feels victimized by your schedule. If she doesn't have her own personality disorder ( and, therefore, she is amenable to discussion) , maybe, while you're on a 2-4 week break, a direct and kind "how would you suggest we make this work?" and "how can I make your life better" would be a good intro...then it's time to say what you need, as well.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

She's pushing the knife in.

So you push back.

At this point, I think you should see an attorney for advice. Your wife is a shrew. I wonder why her first marriage failed ...

Regardless, I think it behooves you to get your legal ducks in a row and get visitation set up.

Ignore her b.s. I'm sure the children would be thrilled to have a day out with dad. Now that you aren't her major target, I'm afraid she is dumping her rage on those kids.

Please keep us updated.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Yeehaw said:


> Nightshift work is hard to manage for many reasons. The sleeplessness alone used to leave me slightly psychotic. It sounds like you have great patience. I think intentional couple time and clearly defined boundaries for sleep and house help would be great. She sounds like she feels victimized by your schedule. If she doesn't have her own personality disorder ( and, therefore, she is amenable to discussion) , maybe, while you're on a 2-4 week break, a direct and kind "how would you suggest we make this work?" and "how can I make your life better" would be a good intro...then it's time to say what you need, as well.


Ya know, that's another thing I couldn't understand....when I had mentioned taking a break, letting things cool down and spending some time apart, the answer I got was "no way, its either all or nothing, when your out, its over." I just don't understand that!


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> She's pushing the knife in.
> 
> So you push back.
> 
> ...


Agreed. 

My #1 goal right now is to take care of and spending time with the kids. I agree I need to ignore her b.s, its just hard to not let it affect me and bother me. 

Having never been through anything remotely similar to this, I will be seeking legal council.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You should not have moved out. Bad decision.

Move back home and tell her to get out if she wants a divorce. If not, she can try marriage counseling and therapy. If she wants to be the way she is, feel free to serve her with divorce papers as soon as this Friday. It's exactly what she needs in order to understand where she stands in this marriage.

Don't move out. Men are already screwed enough when it comes to custody. Don't make it harder on yourself. 

A woman who bluntly tells you your children have not noticed your absence is a heartless c*nt. Go heartless on her. Show her the rough side of life by manning up and sticking up for yourself. She tells you to move out and you comply?! How convenient for the princess!


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

synthetic said:


> You should not have moved out. Bad decision.
> 
> Move back home and tell her to get out if she wants a divorce. If not, she can try marriage counseling and therapy. If she wants to be the way she is, feel free to serve her with divorce papers as soon as this Friday. It's exactly what she needs in order to understand where she stands in this marriage.
> 
> ...



I see where your coming from....and in hindsight I wish I would have maybe thought it through a little more. BUT....for the reason of preserving what metal well being I had left, and to eliminate the strife that was occurring between us.....in front of the kids I made the move. 

If it weren't the fact that the she has no tact about our arguing in front of the kids, then I would have stayed and pushed the issue more. I want whats best for the kids, if that means a sacrifice on my end to live in a less than desirable place or situation, then so be it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

gemineyed said:


> Ya know, that's another thing I couldn't understand....when I had mentioned taking a break, letting things cool down and spending some time apart, the answer I got was "no way, its either all or nothing, when your out, its over." I just don't understand that!



See maybe I'm way off base here but what this says to me is that she doesn't want you on the night shift (but does want you home) like either get off the night shift or it's over. What else could the "all" part of that mean? I don't understand your aversion to getting off of it; it's very hard to have a marriage and family life with this schedule and nowhere in this thread have you mentioned trying to find a job with better hours. Your suggestion of a cooling off period does nothing to address the real problem, that's why I think she wasn't interested. Have you made any attempt to look for another job? Your wife is clearly not handling this well and is acting crazy but she can't handle this arrangement, and it doesn't seem like any attempts have been made to deal with it. Sure you've tried to do more to make it work, but the issue is that the arrangement doesn't work so you're beating the proverbial dead horse. I think your wife made the comment about the kids not missing you because she wants you to have a normal schedule; I agree it was cra$ppy to say but I think that's where it comes from. Do you really feel like the only options you have are to try to make the night shift work or end things? Is this worth your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> See maybe I'm way off base here but what this says to me is that she doesn't want you on the night shift (but does want you home) like either get off the night shift or it's over. What else could the "all" part of that mean? I don't understand your aversion to getting off of it; it's very hard to have a marriage and family life with this schedule and nowhere in this thread have you mentioned trying to find a job with better hours. Your suggestion of a cooling off period does nothing to address the real problem, that's why I think she wasn't interested. Have you made any attempt to look for another job? Your wife is clearly not handling this well and is acting crazy but she can't handle this arrangement, and it doesn't seem like any attempts have been made to deal with it. Sure you've tried to do more to make it work, but the issue is that the arrangement doesn't work so you're beating the proverbial dead horse. I think your wife made the comment about the kids not missing you because she wants you to have a normal schedule; I agree it was cra$ppy to say but I think that's where it comes from. Do you really feel like the only options you have are to try to make the night shift work or end things? Is this worth your marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Of course I've tried to get off of night shift, and even look for another job. But you have to understand that what I do is HIGHLY specialized and its not like I can go to the classifieds and see opportunities. 


I am fully aware of the fact that my schedule is contributing to this. But its not the root cause. What I've learned from all this is that my schedule isn't what is causing the problems, its a contributing factor. But like I said, its not the root cause.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

gemineyed said:


> Of course I've tried to get off of night shift, and even look for another job. But you have to understand that what I do is HIGHLY specialized and its not like I can go to the classifieds and see opportunities.
> 
> 
> I am fully aware of the fact that my schedule is contributing to this. But its not the root cause. What I've learned from all this is that my schedule isn't what is causing the problems, its a contributing factor. But like I said, its not the root cause.


What do you think is the root cause? This schedule can strain even good marriages.....my dad worked this shift for years and it was very tough. My parents marriage stunk for other reasons though, i think she was glad not to see him. But it was tough for us kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How about she gets a job and you stay home? She want you to change your shift....is her WANTS going to pay the mortgage? 
She is out of line. You should have never left. She is so unhappy she should leave.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> What do you think is the root cause? This schedule can strain even good marriages.....my dad worked this shift for years and it was very tough. My parents marriage stunk for other reasons though, i think she was glad not to see him. But it was tough for us kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, one thing, was a building resentment towards me for being able to get away and work as well as being able to get away now and then and do something for me. She has recently admitted that. 

The schedule is hard, but not impossible.


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## gemineyed (Jun 19, 2013)

richie33 said:


> How about she gets a job and you stay home? She want you to change your shift....is her WANTS going to pay the mortgage?
> She is out of line. You should have never left. She is so unhappy she should leave.


I can see it now...if that were the case she would say "must be nice to stay home and play with the kids all day!" I'm telling you, no matter how much I change or work to improve the situation, she'll find a fault. 

The reason why I didn't have her leave is because of the kids. Should would have uprooted them, and dragged them with her. At least if they are there, I know they have a nice safe place to live, they have friends and are comfortable.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So acting irrational pays off? She gets to keep the home and the kids, you pay spousal support and child supportand, you scrap b living in a studio apartment. Then you get the kids on the weekens s twice a month and on a Wednesday but you have no money to take them anywhere cause your paying her most of your salary. Unbelievable. Sorry buddy but that aint fair cause thats probably whats going to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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