# How long do women take to decide?



## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

A couple weeks ago I told my wife I our relationship wasn't working and I thought we should get divorced. I had a change of heart the next day and have done everything I can think of to try and salvage the marriage since then, but she maintains that she needs time and space to think things thru and decide whether to give 'us' another chance or not. My question is, how long does it take for women to decide whether to proceed with a divorce or not? A couple weeks seems like a long time to me, but I'm gathering it could take months. Anyone have any input?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

As long as she wants now. You screwed this up royally.

You mention divorce and then try and take it back the next day?????

You're on her time table now.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

thunderssmith said:


> A couple weeks ago I told my wife I our relationship wasn't working and I thought we should get divorced. I had a change of heart the next day and have done everything I can think of to try and salvage the marriage since then, but she maintains that she needs time and space to think things thru and decide whether to give 'us' another chance or not. My question is, how long does it take for women to decide whether to proceed with a divorce or not? *A couple weeks seems like a long time to me,* but I'm gathering it could take months. Anyone have any input?


Huh? How old are you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunderssmith said:


> A couple weeks ago I told my wife I our relationship wasn't working and I thought we should get divorced. I had a change of heart the next day and have done everything I can think of to try and salvage the marriage since then, but she maintains that she needs time and space to think things thru and decide whether to give 'us' another chance or not. My question is, how long does it take for women to decide whether to proceed with a divorce or not? A couple weeks seems like a long time to me, but I'm gathering it could take months. Anyone have any input?


Two weeks to make up one's mind on divorce is nothing... I would hope that a person would contemplate it for longer than that.

Here's an idea. Find a good marriage counselor and ask her to go with you. Do 6 months to a year of marriage counseling and fix your marriage. Be proactive and help your wife decide to stay in the marriage.

And learn this rule: Never, ever say that you want a divorce unless you are 100% sure. 

So what are the problems in your marriage?


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

typical marriage problems...we've grown apart, leading parallel lives in a sexless marriage...every 6 months or so for the past couple years we've had the divorce conversation, but have always been able to work thru it in a couple days...things get better for a couple weeks, but by 6 months we're disconnected again...this time is different tho, not able to work it out like before, and every time I try to think we're on our way to reconnecting, something happens and I realize we're still light years apart.

btw, I did ask her to see a counselor with me. She declined, I went. I know I screwed up, but the indecision is killing me, and I'm not sure I can keep my sanity for the amount of time it'll take her to make a decision.


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

48, she's 38, we've been married 11 years.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Women are reared from birth to never make their minds up. They call it multitasking but it's just arrogance and confusion.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

thunderssmith said:


> A couple weeks ago I told my wife I our relationship wasn't working and I thought we should get divorced. I had a change of heart the next day and have done everything I can think of to try and salvage the marriage since then, but she maintains that she needs time and space to think things thru and decide whether to give 'us' another chance or not. My question is, how long does it take for women to decide whether to proceed with a divorce or not? A couple weeks seems like a long time to me, but I'm gathering it could take months. Anyone have any input?


About 10 seconds... when they make the decision. And few reverse that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

thunderssmith said:


> typical marriage problems...we've grown apart, leading parallel lives in a sexless marriage...every 6 months or so for the past couple years we've had the divorce conversation, but have always been able to work thru it in a couple days...things get better for a couple weeks, but by 6 months we're disconnected again...this time is different tho, not able to work it out like before, and every time I try to think we're on our way to reconnecting, something happens and I realize we're still light years apart.
> 
> btw, I did ask her to see a counselor with me. She declined, I went. I know I screwed up, but the indecision is killing me, and I'm not sure I can keep my sanity for the amount of time it'll take her to make a decision.


Sir, 
When was the last time you had sex with your wife? Why is it sexless?
What is the problem?

Honestly, I just don't know why you don't divorce, other than you are afraid of change. It doesn't sound like it's something worth saving.
I know you don't want to fave this life changing situation, but it might be for the best. 
I know how much it's hurting you, but change is painful. Get some help and see if you can figure out what you really want. I think you may really, down deep, know it's time for a change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sir,
> When was the last time you had sex with your wife? Why is it sexless?
> What is the problem?
> 
> ...


last sex was in the summer...time before that was 2014...I appreciate your insight on change, and in all honesty you may be right. Having to 'salvage' the marriage 5 times over the last couple years is not a promising pattern. I've had thoughts that the only reason I want to save it this time is for the challenge, and I suppose if that is true it's a pretty telling sign.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thunderssmith said:


> typical marriage problems...we've grown apart, leading parallel lives in a sexless marriage...every 6 months or so for the past couple years we've had the divorce conversation, but have always been able to work thru it in a couple days...things get better for a couple weeks, but by 6 months we're disconnected again...this time is different tho, not able to work it out like before, and every time I try to think we're on our way to reconnecting, something happens and I realize we're still light years apart.
> 
> btw, I did ask her to see a counselor with me. She declined, I went. I know I screwed up, but the indecision is killing me, and I'm not sure I can keep my sanity for the amount of time it'll take her to make a decision.


You mean for the amount of time it'll take her to take you back? Because that's what you're assuming, right?

If you want her back, start moving on. Let her see you respecting her wishes, instead of trying to coerce or manipulate her to get what YOU want.

And btw, she is FLAT OUT TIRED of being in a marriage that keeps getting pulled to the brink of divorce every six months. Who wants that? Maybe there's better out there. She's re-evaluating and wondering why the hell she put so much effort into this.

In other words, WHAT REASONS are you giving her for coming back to you?

You may want to start by getting the book His Needs Her Needs - TODAY - and get started reading. To figure out HOW your marriage ended up so screwed up. Maybe if she sees you doing that, she'll consider considering giving you another chance.


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

intheory said:


> thunder,
> 
> Tell us three great things about your marriage? What are the top three reasons you stay; even though things are falling apart every six months?
> 
> ...


yes, I know I can make the necessary changes if she will work with me and we can have the marriage we thought we would have. With this current episode I have realized that my wife and daughter are what give meaning to my life, and I never fully appreciated that before standing at the precipice I'm at now.


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

intheory said:


> 2. We're 'comfortable' together...don't want to leave the comfort zone
> 2. Disconnected/distant mentally and emotionallly
> 
> It's interesting that these two features can exist side-by-side. So that suggests that a middle ground can be reached.
> ...


thanks In, your comments are making look at things differently...overall I'm a decent person, yes. She didn't want to go to counseling cause she doesn't have much faith in it...this is her second marriage...and because the emotion is still so raw...but between the kid, her trifecta, and my porn habit, I can definitely see how the marriage suffered in the passion department...and those are the changes I want to make with her help, cause it's still a two way street...but in the meantime, I'm going insane while she's taking her time deciding to stay or go...so hard to give up control and just 'move on' while there may still be a glimmer of hope...nasty little dichotomy has my mind playing tricks on me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, YOUR mission right now is to FIX yourself, make yourself as valuable and desirable as possible, and give her a REASON to want to come back to you. You can't make her want you; you can't change HER. But you CAN make yourself something that she would want to invest in. Doesn't seem like you're spending too much time looking at YOU and seeing what you can do to make yourself a better option than divorce.

The main reason for this is that, instead of you 'going insane' (because all you do is fixate on HER and what SHE is doing), you could be making yourself a great catch. And once you do that, whether SHE chooses you will matter less and less. Because you're busy becoming a better person, a better partner.

And the upside to that is that, along the way, you become more attractive to HER.


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Like I said, YOUR mission right now is to FIX yourself, make yourself as valuable and desirable as possible, and give her a REASON to want to come back to you. You can't make her want you; you can't change HER. But you CAN make yourself something that she would want to invest in. Doesn't seem like you're spending too much time looking at YOU and seeing what you can do to make yourself a better option than divorce.
> 
> The main reason for this is that, instead of you 'going insane' (because all you do is fixate on HER and what SHE is doing), you could be making yourself a great catch. And once you do that, whether SHE chooses you will matter less and less. Because you're busy becoming a better person, a better partner.
> 
> And the upside to that is that, along the way, you become more attractive to HER.


spot on, I DO need to focus on makng myself better rather than fixating on when and what her decision may be. Much appreciated turnera.


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## thunderssmith (Dec 31, 2015)

intheory said:


> So, does she have a job, and does the mom, cook, housekeeper thing, all at the same time.
> 
> Exhausting to even think about.
> 
> ...


great observations...the housework is split evenly, and I'm usually cleaner than she is...but everything else you point out resonates deeply...I can only hope that we have the chance to really and truly open up with eachother about these issues in the near future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thunderssmith said:


> great observations...the housework is split evenly, and I'm usually cleaner than she is...but everything else you point out resonates deeply...I can only hope that we have the chance to really and truly open up with eachother about these issues in the near future.


Here is an EXCELLENT opportunity for you to make a change. Get a posterboard. On it, write out every single thing you can think of that has to get done to take care of the house - daily, weekly, monthly, annually. Once you've done that, email her the list that you came up with. Ask her if she can come up with any other things you've forgotten. Add it to the list. Once it's complete, decide which 50% of things you'd be willing to be responsible for. 

Once that's done, share that info with her. "Wife, thanks for your help on the to-do list. I gave it some thought, and I came up with a list of things that seem fair for me to be responsible for. That would mean that - if we WERE ever to get back together - the other items would be the things that I'd be asking you to take charge of. What do you think? What changes to this list would you make? I wanna know."

And then sit back and see what she says.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Well, I'm sorry to say but I wouldn't push her at all for an answer. You made her feel unstable and unsafe in the relationship by threatening a divorce and then the next day taking it back. Who does that? She has a lot going on in her head right now. If my husband told me that, I would feel that whenever he didn't get his way or was unhappy for any reason he would threaten divorce and if he changed his mind it would make me lose that safe and secure feeling and push me away. She may end up leaving on her own honestly because she wouldn't want to deal with that or she may have seen this as a huge red flag, since it is, and she wants to avoid it. The only thing you can do is to offer to go to marriage counseling with her if she will go and that you won't mention it anymore and give her space to think about things. Then don't mention it ever! Just leave the subject alone, give her space to breath and come up with her own decision. The more you push her right now, the worse off you will be.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Runs like Dog said:


> Women are reared from birth to never make their minds up. They call it multitasking but it's just arrogance and confusion.


That's not true.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

intheory said:


> *So, does she have a job, and does the mom, cook, housekeeper thing, all at the same time.
> 
> Exhausting to even think about.
> *


Yep. Also, if she hasn't hit the 40 mark yet she probably should get out of this marriage. Sorry OP but you messed up.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Heatherknows said:


> Yep. Also, if she hasn't hit the 40 mark yet she probably should get out of this marriage. Sorry OP but you messed up.


40? What's so magical about this number as a cutoff for leaving or staying?


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> 40? What's so magical about this number as a cutoff for leaving or staying?


39 is a much better number for a woman that 40.

Trust me.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I disagree that you screwed up or made a mistake. In fact the only thing you have done right so far (from your posts) is to suggest that the two of you end something that wasn't working for either of you. You said the conversation comes up every six months, so I have to assume that in the past it was she who suggested divorce and you who rejected the idea. But now you have put the idea in her mind that it is something that you want as well. She may very well be pondering on whether or not she really wants it, as opposed to using it as an idle threat to force some accomodation from you. 
Far from screwing up, you have opened the dialogue that you need to resolve the issues. You may or may not divorce, only time will tell now. In the mean time do what you should have been doing all along - focus on yourself to become a better person and get your mind right so that you can learn the lessons to come.


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