# How Do We Keep It Exciting



## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

believe what she tells you. some people just aren't into adventurous sex. also, there are many people like her i believe that do obtain enough satisfaction
knowing that they bonded and satisfied their partner. if you are personally dissatisfied, then you can address that with her, but otherwise,
to quote paul mccartney, 'let it be'.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Don't get fat. 

Being serious. Letting yourself go is one of the most unattractive things you can do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


I struggled with your same question many years ago and came to the conclusion that some people don't really have any pronounced desires or fantasies sexually speaking. The problem results from using the wrong model of sexuality to preemptively trouble shoot a problem that likely does not exist. An example is that a man might think he needs to provide his wife with things that create more desire, stronger arousal, and incredible orgasms. Meanwhile the wife's biggest desire might be for her husband to embrace close forms of nonsexual intimacy a little more often without an implied need for sex to occur as a result. 

*So I would encourage you to spice up nonsexual intimacy!*

Buy a book on back massage.

Look into upgrading your bedding with better sheets and new pillows.

If you are anything like me you may suffer from a severe case of pillow dyslexia which is a unique ability to situate pillows so that they cause discomfort rather than comfort. In the event your doctor has diagnosed you with this disorder, make it a point to refrain from touching the pillows on your bed and ask your wife for help when situating them for close intimacy.

Invest in programmable lighting to help set the mood. 

Do some home renovation projects to make things easier and more relaxing. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I had exactly the same issue with my wife. We had frequent in general satisfying sex but it was the same routine. I realized my wife is OK with it and she does not really have any fantasies (or simply does not want to discuss them, there is no reason to pry them from her). But she was willing to act on my fantasies. So I realized if I want to spice our sex life the burden is on me to come up with the ideas.


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


sorry about replying but i dont know how to post.
My situation is the opposite I want to learn how to please my husband more sexually


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

patriciadelicia said:


> sorry about replying but i dont know how to post.
> My situation is the opposite I want to learn how to please my husband more sexually


 Talk with him. Ask him about fantasies. Dress sexy for him and seduce him. My situation she listens when I talk about things I want to explore sexuality. But I want to know what she wants.


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

I will try its not easy ask. I might try dressing up and being flirty see if he takes the lead


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

patriciadelicia said:


> I will try its not easy ask. I might try dressing up and being flirty see if he takes the lead


Good luck. Keep me posted


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

My answer is that trying to keep it topped out is going to result in every sex being boring, even if you're swinging from the chandeliers every time. 
I think routine sex, with the occasional bonus activities is best.

I also think it is outside the bedroom, where you show great interest in your spouse is what keeps things lively in the bedroom.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


My wife is the same way. Says what we do now is just fine and she has no real fantasies. Not sure if you can really do anything about that?

I have bought her some toys and she enjoys them but its all me doing the buying and getting her to use them.

Maybe give that a try?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


If this is the biggest problem in your marriage, let it go. Seriously, look at all the people complaining about being in sex starved marriages, having spouses that are cheating on them, or spouses that ignore their needs totally. Look at your glass as much more than half-full. Enjoy what you have, don't over think things and create problems where they have not yet appeared. Make sure you make your spouse feel cherished and valued.

Good luck.


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> If this is the biggest problem in your marriage, let it go. Seriously, look at all the people complaining about being in sex starved marriages, having spouses that are cheating on them, or spouses that ignore their needs totally. Look at your glass as much more than half-full. Enjoy what you have, don't over think things and create problems where they have not yet appeared. Make sure you make your spouse feel cherished and valued.
> 
> Good luck.


 Thank you and I totally get what you are saying and agree. My point of my post was that I just want to make sure she is sexually as happy as I am. Her enjoyment of the physical and emotional aspect out sexual life is important to me. I don’t want her to feel the need to look outside our bedroom for what she wants. Thank you again


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


How long have you been married?


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How long have you been married?


Two years married.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Memphi70 said:


> My point of my post was that I just want to make sure she is sexually as happy as I am. Her enjoyment of the physical and emotional aspect out sexual life is important to me. I don’t want her to feel the need to look outside our bedroom for what she wants. Thank you again


That may very well be how YOU feel. I imagine she feels the exact same way as in she worries about making you happy.

At some point you need to worry about making you happy. She needs to worry about making herself happy. And then guess what, you SHARE that with each other. You can't go through life taking responsibility for the other person's happiness and worrying that you will fail. Because that my friend is a self fulfilling prophecy that will destroy you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Same here. I would prefer for it to be a cool hobby we both enjoy, talk about a lot but that’s just not her Many partners will take “spice things up” as an insult. Any spicing up she does is short-lived. That’s how she is so I can’t change that.

My frustration came from accepting what I perceived to be a double standard. In the past, she’s made similar comments about “spicing up” our house, family or standard of living and I went along with it. But I was expecting reciprocity which never happened. In essence a covert contract. 

So now, it’s OK for me to say certain things are good enough and don’t need improvement. She has to accept me as I am as well. If she says “we can do better and I wanna do better by us” I’d certainly match that but absent that then good enough is good enough all around.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


See you are married only two years. Way too soon for this problem. I'm married 27. for the first 25, wife claimed she has NO fantasies. In 2020, she admitted she has fantasies, but refuses to share them with me. Frustrating? You bet. So i tell her mine. She gets into those. Women are tough to decipher. Just keep trying. That's all I got for you today. Good luck.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Memphi70 said:


> Two years married.


too soon for this to crop up


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> too soon for this to crop up


I think the OP is preemptively trying to solve a problem that has not cropped up yet. He could however be projecting and if this is the case things in the bedroom are getting too routine for him and other women are catching his eye. If so then as a result he is projecting that his wife has the same problem and suddenly he feels vulnerable and the need to protect his marriage. Particularly if he feels his wife would fair better out in the singles dating market than himself. 

Or perhaps the OP has done something in the marriage that makes him feel guilty and as a result feels the need to overcompensate to ensure the wife is happy. 

Not too early for those things to crop up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A lot of women are very much responsive desire and pretty much play off of your initiative and your direction.

If you ask them to share a fantasy or give you some insight into what kinds of thing they’d like to try, They will just sit there with a deer-in-the-headlight look of their face. 

Their desire has to be triggered and developed through your initiative and your lead. 

If you want someone that is spontaneously horny out of the blue, is good with initiating and describing in detail what they want to do and describing their fantasies and wild ideas and creating sexual scenarios in their mind’s eye - you may have to turn gay and start getting with dudes because that describes a man’s sexuality more than a woman’s.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Memphi70 said:


> Thank you and I totally get what you are saying and agree. My point of my post was that I just want to make sure she is sexually as happy as I am. Her enjoyment of the physical and emotional aspect out sexual life is important to me. I don’t want her to feel the need to look outside our bedroom for what she wants. Thank you again


One of the hardest things I had to learn in rebuilding our sex starved marriage, was that even though we started to have sex again, that my wife would always have a lower sexual appetite than I would. That meant for both of us to be happy, we needed to find a compromise on the least amount of sex I could remain happy and emotionally connected with her and the most amount of sex she could stand. The problem that created was that sometimes she would give me the gift of her body. I had to learn that sometimes it was a gift and to reject the gift or to put conditions on it, was not being a loving husband. That doesn't mean I don't try to giver he as much foreplay and sexual pleasure as I can (and as she will accept), but it means I need to love her and the gifts she give me. I work hard at making her happy and cherished.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> See you are married only two years. Way too soon for this problem. I'm married 27. for the first 25, wife claimed she has NO fantasies. In 2020, she admitted she has fantasies, but refuses to share them with me. Frustrating? You bet. So i tell her mine. She gets into those. Women are tough to decipher. Just keep trying. That's all I got for you today. Good luck.


She won't s


oldshirt said:


> A lot of women are very much responsive desire and pretty much play off of your initiative and your direction.
> 
> If you ask them to share a fantasy or give you some insight into what kinds of thing they’d like to try, They will just sit there with a deer-in-the-headlight look of their face.
> 
> ...


They also don't want to admit that some of their fantasies cannot involve you.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Memphi70 said:


> I’m worried that our sex life is going to get boring and repetitive. I have told her my fantasies and desires but she won’t share her thoughts or wants. She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?


believe it or not, many people do NOT have sexual fantasies.

either she is embarrassed to tell you them, OR she simply does not have any.

in either case, i would not push it.

you can always *try the MojoUpgrade.com quiz* for the two of you


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> believe it or not, many people do NOT have sexual fantasies.
> 
> either she is embarrassed to tell you them, OR she simply does not have any.
> 
> ...


Or their fantasies may be quite tame from the usual. I had a GF many years ago who fantasized about having sex in a hotel. So I made that happen and then she was like "OK I can't think of anything else"

Another had a fantasy of me wearing certain clothes she got to rip off of me. That was easy!

My point is while some of us guys fantasize about threesomes or wild sex on a beach, some women fantasies may be much more tame.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> See you are married only two years. Way too soon for this problem. I'm married 27. for the first 25, wife claimed she has NO fantasies. *In 2020, she admitted she has fantasies, but refuses to share them with me.* Frustrating? You bet. So i tell her mine. She gets into those. **Women are tough to decipher.* Just keep trying. That's all I got for you today. Good luck.


Yes, that is true, however, *hers are easy to decipher...

Possibilities:

1) They may be really, down and dirty and she is embarrassed to state them.

2) She wants to playfully keep you on your toes, to keep you off-balance, and experimenting with them.

3) She falsely says she has fantasies, just to shut you up, and to quit asking her.

4) Her hidden fantasies do not include you, or you alone.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> 4*) Her hidden fantasies do not include you, or you alone.*


i am going to assume that is a given in most cases!


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

Memphi70 said:


> Good luck. Keep me posted


he didnt seem interested unfortunatly


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Memphi70 said:


> Talk with him. Ask him about fantasies. Dress sexy for him and seduce him. My situation she listens when I talk about things I want to explore sexuality. *But I want to know what she wants.*

















MojoUpgrade | Try new things







mojoupgrade.com


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

patriciadelicia said:


> he didnt seem interested unfortunatly


I’m sorry. Maybe he is enjoying things the way they are.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

patriciadelicia said:


> sorry about replying but i dont know how to post.
> My situation is the opposite I want to learn how to please my husband more sexually


That would require you being vulnerable to what might make you uncomfortable.
I hope he's as enthusiastic as you want to be.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Really good Sex requires trust. To have really good sex requires you to let your guard down, be in the moment and either turn control of your body over to your partner or let your subconscious self and primal instincts control your body. At least that is my opinion.

One of the things with sexual fantasies is that they are usually deep secrets. That means they are something you are ashamed of or that it is something you would be embarrised to confront publicly. To share such a secret requires lots of trust and different kinds of trust. You need to be confident enough in your relationship that you secret desires will not shock your partner to the point that they no longer view you in the same light. You need to trust that your partner will never emotionally hurt you by bringing it up during a future fight or argument. You really need to trust that your partner is asking you for all the right reasons and your trust needs to be gradually built. Praise for one's partner's bravery to expose their inner secrets is important. But more important is controlling your reaction to their request and then calmly talking about whether it is something you can actually do or discussing other similar things that might give your partner the illusion of living their fantasy through say a role playing situation.

Some of your fantasies may also require your partner to treat you in ways that could cause them to loose respect for you. That is some of them may be destructive to the relationship, if not carefully contained. This is especially true with those that involve sex with other or multiple partners or assuming certain roles.

Some fantasies may involve doing things that would scare you to your very core. This could be something that disgusts you or fear of some forbidden fruit you might become addicted to. Some might involve the fear that you will like it too much (or your partner might like it too much) and never want to or be able to go back to the status quo that you truly are happy with. They could be playing with fire in the hope of not being burned.

Still, there are ways you can approach sexual fantasies through role playing that may set limits and allow both to realize that what you want is a "taste" that doesn't have to be the real thing. A well scripted and safer version that both of you understand is just a fiction, that is not something you will do every week, and that you both realized does not represents who you really are or your real relationship can be achieved. If you are going to do intense role playing it should have safe words, it should include pre-play scripting of the scene and post play "after care." After care is where you can praise your partner for trusting you, express your love for them, cuddle and comfort them, and assure them that fantasy is not the real world you both live in.

A statement I once heard was if a husband can't tell his wife his most secret sexual thoughts, who can he tell? Unfortunately, the answer far too often is "a prostitute, who will not judge him, but will figure out how to give him what he wants and how much she will charge him for that experience." The roles can be reversed and an affair partner may be the more common provider for a woman's fantasies.

Good luck.

Good luck.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Really good Sex requires trust. To have really good sex requires you to let your guard down, be in the moment and either turn control of your body over to your partner or let your subconscious self and primal instincts control your body. At least that is my opinion.
> 
> One of the things with sexual fantasies is that they are usually deep secrets. That means they are something you are ashamed of or that it is something you would be embarrised to confront publicly. To share such a secret requires lots of trust and different kinds of trust. You need to be confident enough in your relationship that you secret desires will not shock your partner to the point that they no longer view you in the same light. You need to trust that your partner will never emotionally hurt you by bringing it up during a future fight or argument. You really need to trust that your partner is asking you for all the right reasons and your trust needs to be gradually built. Praise for one's partner's bravery to expose their inner secrets is important. But more important is controlling your reaction to their request and then calmly talking about whether it is something you can actually do or discussing other similar things that might give your partner the illusion of living their fantasy through say a role playing situation.
> 
> ...


I share my fantasies. My wife refuses to tell me ANY of her fantasies. Says they are "personal." Yeah, kinda bugs me after I have told her many. She never freaks out, enjoys mine and we have fun during/after i whisper. Just bothers me that it's not a two-way street.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I share my fantasies. My wife refuses to tell me ANY of her fantasies. Says they are "personal." Yeah, kinda bugs me after I have told her many. She never freaks out, enjoys mine and we have fun during/after i whisper. Just bothers me that it's not a two-way street.


I have shared mine with my wife and she'll say "Really?...well THATS not going to happen" or "Thats weird" and that seems to be the answer to all of my fantasies. So I kind of stopped sharing them.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I share my fantasies. My wife refuses to tell me ANY of her fantasies. Says they are "personal." Yeah, kinda bugs me after I have told her many. She never freaks out, enjoys mine and we have fun during/after i whisper. Just bothers me that it's not a two-way street.


From my perspective your glass is more than half full. Some people are just too shy or ashamed of their fantasies to share them. You can only ask, you can't force her.

Good luck.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I have shared mine with my wife and she'll say "Really?...well THATS not going to happen" or "Thats weird" and that seems to be the answer to all of my fantasies. So I kind of stopped sharing them.


I am sorry. Don't totally give up as that can be the start of your emotionally checking out of your marriage. 

On the other hand, "asked and answered." Don't keep pushing fantasies, that you know will violate some of her personal boundaries. If you repeat the same request over and over again, it is not going to go anywhere.

I have always wanted oral sex from the woman I married over 50 years ago. We talked about it prior to marriage and she told me that it was too intimate prior to marriage. She said that after marriage her love for me would grow so it would be possible. We really discussed it before we got married. After marriage, she said it was too disgusting. Later in our marriage she told me that she was saving the kinky stuff for later to keep the flame of passion alive. In rebuilding our marriage we even discussed it when we were seeing a sex therapist. 

We are now in our 70's and been married for over 50 years. I KNOW that it is not going to happen. I can want it, but that doesn't mean it is going to happen. I will continue to share other desires with her, but this one she has clearly taken off the table. There are other things to explore and use as a means of gaining intimacy. The point is just because she rejects some of your fantasies or desires, don't give up on her.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

WRT fantasies, some people really don’t have any especially as they age as they are usually fine with what they have and have done (e.g. porn, toys, dress-up; threesomes, bondage, sex in public, marathon sessions, etc). My wife is fine with what we have and anything improvements are considered insulting.

Her fantasies are now exclusively family-, career-, and retirement house-related (grandkids, big house, vacations, hosting parties, etc). Basically provision-based not sexual. I get it, I used to have career-related fantasies and now I don’t because I’ve achieved plenty, checked the boxes and now have what I considered a great job. To me a house is a house, the fantasy leaves out the upkeep parts.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I have shared mine with my wife and she'll say "Really?...well THATS not going to happen" or "Thats weird" and that seems to be the answer to all of my fantasies. So I kind of stopped sharing them.


she does not sound very hot in bed!
sorry for you


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

aaarghdub said:


> WRT fantasies, some people really don’t have any especially as they age as they are usually fine with what they have and have done (e.g. porn, toys, dress-up; threesomes, bondage, sex in public, marathon sessions, etc). My wife is fine with what we have and anything improvements are considered insulting.
> 
> Her fantasies are now exclusively family-, career-, and retirement house-related (grandkids, big house, vacations, hosting parties, etc). Basically provision-based not sexual. I get it, I used to have career-related fantasies and now I don’t because I’ve achieved plenty, checked the boxes and now have what I considered a great job. To me a house is a house, the fantasy leaves out the upkeep parts.


Mine is the same way. They are not really fantasies but my wife wants a house on the beach. Nothing sexual just that. Maybe as we get older, those things change as well? I wonder if any older women have sexual fantasies or is it mainly guys for things they never got to do when they were younger?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Mine is the same way. They are not really fantasies but my wife wants a house on the beach. Nothing sexual just that. Maybe as we get older, those things change as well? I wonder if any older women have sexual fantasies or is it mainly guys for things they never got to do when they were younger?


I would imagine a chart with two lines: comfort/provision/nesting and sex. 

The former is somewhat flat while dating but takes off around the “popping the question” and more so around wanting kiddos. Then it steadily climbs as your standard of living improves and are keeping up with Joneses. 

The latter has the opposite (unless post-menopause or andropause/HRT) trajectory. Once committed and kids appear, the sex part usually drops of with life happening until menopause and then usually takes a nosedive. It was for bonding then making kids, just not needed for most.

My theory is that once kids come, the bonding that took place thru sex and connecting activities is supplanted by the kids. The drive to touch them or be touched has primacy. The drive to “date your kids” is there. IOW you don’t have to “schedule a date night” with them, you just instinctively do it like and plan for it like when you were dating. Think about how excited your spouse is to see the kids home from school vs when you get from work.




For the intimacy-challenge it is much easier to control that with your kids than your spouse.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> From my perspective your glass is more than half full. Some people are just too shy or ashamed of their fantasies to share them. You can only ask, you can't force her.
> 
> Good luck.


Nope. Can't force her to tell. Can hope she shares fantasies some day. Her refusal makes me wonder how decadent they are and if they are about people we know.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I have shared mine with my wife and she'll say "Really?...well THATS not going to happen" or "Thats weird" and that seems to be the answer to all of my fantasies. So I kind of stopped sharing them.


That's really unfortunate and, frankly, not very kind of her to say that. Why wouldn't she just smile at the mention. No need to judge your fantasies. None at all. To say "not going to happen" or call them "weird" is just mean, basically. Probably made you soft very very fast.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> I am sorry. Don't totally give up as that can be the start of your emotionally checking out of your marriage.
> 
> On the other hand, "asked and answered." Don't keep pushing fantasies, that you know will violate some of her personal boundaries. If you repeat the same request over and over again, it is not going to go anywhere.
> 
> ...


She told you oral sex is "disgusting"? How is she with you going down on her? I'm betting the disgust is nowhere to be found.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> She told you oral sex is "disgusting"? How is she with you going down on her? I'm betting the disgust is nowhere to be found.


Over the last couple years things have shifted to where I think my wife likes giving more than receiving. Personally I've found my wife's desire/willingness to give oral sex is totally dependent on how turned on she is. She has ALWAYS said she doesn't like giving BJs and I stopped straight up asking for one long, long ago. If she isn't turned on, it ain't gonna happen. If she is really hot and bothered she gives it 110% with no need to ask, she just goes for it. I believe desire and attraction can overcome the strongest inhibition.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Over the last couple years things have shifted to where I think my wife likes giving more than receiving. Personally I've found my wife's desire/willingness to give oral sex is totally dependent on how turned on she is. She has ALWAYS said she doesn't like giving BJs and I stopped straight up asking for one long, long ago. If she isn't turned on, it ain't gonna happen. If she is really hot and bothered she gives it 110% with no need to ask, she just goes for it. I believe desire and attraction can overcome the strongest inhibition.


I have to agree with you on the desire and attraction. It's like they take over your body. Inhibitions vanish. Thankfully, oral has always been included here. From dating thru many years of marriage. We both enjoy to give and receive. She says she can't understand women who do not continue providing pleasure until the end. Can't understand those who spit out or refuse cum in mouth. Thank the Lord.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Memphi70 said:


> She tells me making me happy in our sex life makes her happy and that is her turn on. I feel like it’s only about me and my sexual satisfaction. I want it to be about the both of us. Why won’t she open up? What can I do to fill her needs?





Memphi70 said:


> My situation she listens when I talk about things I want to explore sexuality. But I want to know what she wants.


There's another possibility, one you're overlooking and one that I've had personal experience with. 

She has already told you EXACTLY what she wants, clear as day. You're not listening. Reread your two posts above over and over until it's clear for you. 

Her fantasies could be more submissive than you think. 

Some people really really really get off on pleasing their partner. That's what turns them on. It gives them pleasure and intense joy. You are literally saying to her, sure, but that's not what I want you to desire. In which case, you're outright dismissing her fantasy life. Ironic? 

Think about it. Read up on it. Explore it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Quad73 said:


> Some people really really really get off on pleasing their partner. That's what turns them on. It gives them pleasure and intense joy. You are literally saying to her, sure, but that's not what I want you to desire. In which case, you're outright dismissing her fantasy life. Ironic?
> 
> Think about it. Read up on it. Explore it.


It is very possible that the OP's wife states that she just wants to make him happy because she could be experiencing arousal difficulties as the result of some sort of anxiety associated with intimacy. 

From what I have read there are some women that have the number one complaint of a husband that will do every trick in the book to get his wife aroused and not stop until she orgasms. These women perhaps fake an orgasm just to make it stop as stimulation without arousal can be uncomfortable. Ask her what her fantasy is and it is kind of like asking someone that has been overfed ice cream to reveal their favorite ice flavor. They might just say that they like helping prepare an ice cream for someone else and nothing more. 

My guess is that is 90% most likely what is going on. 

Badsanta


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> That would require you being vulnerable to what might make you uncomfortable.
> I hope he's as enthusiastic as you want to be.


well I have let him know he could ask me for what he wanted.
he said thanks but has not asked or communicated what he may like.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

patriciadelicia said:


> well I have let him know he could ask me for what he wanted.
> he said thanks but has not asked or communicated what he may like.


could be he is trying to figure out which fantasies to tell you? perhaps he has a long list. Or maybe he thinks some are too "out there" and is reluctant to share them with you. I used to think that way. Not any more. Since my wife won't tell me ANY of her fantasies - thank God she finally admitted she has fantasies after years of saying she did not - I decided to roll the bones and tell her any that pop into my head. I'm not worried about reaction. Figure she kinda gave up that ability to be shocked by something I say when she refuses to say anything at all.


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## patriciadelicia (Nov 19, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> could be he is trying to figure out which fantasies to tell you? perhaps he has a long list. Or maybe he thinks some are too "out there" and is reluctant to share them with you. I used to think that way. Not any more. Since my wife won't tell me ANY of her fantasies - thank God she finally admitted she has fantasies after years of saying she did not - I decided to roll the bones and tell her any that pop into my head. I'm not worried about reaction. Figure she kinda gave up that ability to be shocked by something I say when she refuses to say anything at all.


well I did tell him I would like to be dominated and that he could tell me what to do.
how much more do he need to know


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

That is direct. Not sure what he is waiting for


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

patriciadelicia said:


> well I have let him know he could ask me for what he wanted.
> he said thanks but has not asked or communicated what he may like.


I would want a wife that is open to anything, but anal. 
Anal may feel great, I suppose as I have never done that, but I view it as damaging to the sphincter and wouldn't want lifelong problems to develop over just a bit of pleasure.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Memphi70 said:


> Thank you and I totally get what you are saying and agree. My point of my post was that I just want to make sure she is sexually as happy as I am. Her enjoyment of the physical and emotional aspect out sexual life is important to me. I don’t want her to feel the need to look outside our bedroom for what she wants. Thank you again


Just look at things to increase your abilities as a lover. I ensure my wife has MULTIPLE orgasms to my 1. She says i take her places she never knew existed or make her feel things she never knew was possible. I became her fantasy.

I enjoy greatly seeing her pleasure. Love it when she starts saying, "Oh ****!" as she starts bucking and making all kinds if cute little squeeking noises as her body starts to stiffen and her eyes roll back in her head.

Now just how mant times can i do that for her...5, 6? At some point it starts to come in waves(pun intended) and does not stop....just subsides a little before her next wave of extasy rolls over her.

Just work on your abilities. You will be her fantasy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> She won't s
> 
> They also don't want to admit that some of their fantasies cannot involve you.


Very possible. Could be her fantasy to have a 3 some or 4 some. Depends on her character. Hell i did not even have a Bachelor Party as the woman i wanted is at the house. She may be someone who does not even have the thought of another.....or she may...OP could you handle that? When one will not tell you, leave it lie. You may not want to know. I know if my wife told me she was fantasizing about multiple other men....that is a serious issue in my book.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Quad73 said:


> There's another possibility, one you're overlooking and one that I've had personal experience with.
> 
> She has already told you EXACTLY what she wants, clear as day. You're not listening. Reread your two posts above over and over until it's clear for you.
> 
> ...


This. I greatly enjoy her pleasure.....there are times i do not reach climax but i do not care. 

Also it could be she feels embarassed to mention....she might want to be dominated in bed. My wife REALLY enjoys being told what to do. Have not tied her up but have got her in a position where she is bound up and could not get away from me if if i did not let her. She is at my mercy so to speak and she really gets excited by that. She has told me many times she will do what ever i want, that she feels totally safe with me.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Just look at things to increase your abilities as a lover. I ensure my wife has MULTIPLE orgasms to my 1. She says i take her places she never knew existed or make her feel things she never knew was possible. I became her fantasy.
> 
> I enjoy greatly seeing her pleasure. Love it when she starts saying, "Oh ****!" as she starts bucking and making all kinds if cute little squeeking noises as her body starts to stiffen and her eyes roll back in her head.
> 
> ...


She always stops at one. Says too intense to try for multiple. Her body, but if I would never stop at one.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Have children… that’ll spice things up 😆


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> This. I greatly enjoy her pleasure.....there are times i do not reach climax but i do not care.
> 
> Also it could be she feels embarassed to mention....she might want to be dominated in bed. My wife REALLY enjoys being told what to do. Have not tied her up but have got her in a position where she is bound up and could not get away from me if if i did not let her. She is at my mercy so to speak and she really gets excited by that. She has told me many times she will do what ever i want, that she feels totally safe with me.


Not bondage! The kink and fetish patrol are now triggered. 

You insensitive misogynist you!! 👍👍🙄🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> I would want a wife that is open to anything, but anal.
> Anal may feel great, I suppose as I have never done that, but I view it as damaging to the sphincter and wouldn't want lifelong problems to develop over just a bit of pleasure.


Did 1x back in 1995 with ex because she wanted to. Like jerking of wiht thumb and finger. Does nothing for me. Wife was worried about same thing you said. We discussed that long ago, neither was interrested in that and she said besides I was "too beaucoup"😏


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not bondage! The kink and fetish patrol are now triggered.
> 
> You insensitive misogynist you!! 👍👍🙄🙄🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


No ropes, just a knot!😏


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> I would want a wife that is open to anything, but anal.
> Anal may feel great, I suppose as I have never done that, but I view it as damaging to the sphincter and wouldn't want lifelong problems to develop over just a bit of pleasure.


As an infrequent activity, properly done, emphasis properly, at least we have found it to be without problems, and that spans years.
Sorry if tmi, but at least it's a first hand example.😮😮😮


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> No ropes, just a knot!😏


Multiple knots, on a silk rope?
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just can't help my self this morning.

The last thing DW said this morning after love you was, see you tonight, with a big kiss and squeeze.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Multiple knots, on a silk rope?
> 🤣🤣🤣🤣
> 
> Just can't help my self this morning.
> ...


mmm, sounds like you are tied up in knots. lol


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> mmm, sounds like you are tied up in knots. lol


I asked my wife her thoughts if i were to use some of my old neckties on her in the bedroom, perhaps tie her arms to the bedposts as I pleasure her. She declined. but when I said she could do that me, the reply was a sly smile and "I'll keep that in mind." Fingers crossed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I asked my wife her thoughts if i were to use some of my old neckties on her in the bedroom, perhaps tie her arms to the bedposts as I pleasure her. She declined. but when I said she could do that me, the reply was a sly smile and "I'll keep that in mind." Fingers crossed.


An excellent plan. I have a whole set of old neckties retired from use, for the same and they work great.

Damn I'm reminded how old I am sometimes - those ties are at least 35 yrs old.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> An excellent plan. I have a whole set of old neckties retired from use, for the same and they work great.
> 
> Damn I'm reminded how old I am sometimes - those ties are at least 35 yrs old.


Same here. I'm 61. And, frankly, better in bed at 61 than I was at 31. Years of experience pay off!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Same here. I'm 61. And, frankly, better in bed at 61 than I was at 31. Years of experience pay off!


Plus the staying power is tremendous now. It's a trade off: Last way longer now compared to years ago, but unable to reload like I used to. No more back-to-back like "back in the day." but NO complaints either. Quality tops quantity.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> I view it as damaging to the sphincter and wouldn't want lifelong problems to develop over just a bit of pleasure


Another downvote on this one. If done properly there’s zero pain, zero damage and in fact, at least in my case, also very pleasurable to her as well. It’s by far my fav.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

gr8ful1 said:


> Another downvote on this one. If done properly there’s zero pain, zero damage and in fact, at least in my case, also very pleasurable to her as well. It’s by far my fav.


Always get a “no” … maybe someday


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Multiple knots, on a silk rope?
> 🤣🤣🤣🤣
> 
> Just can't help my self this morning.
> ...


No just the knot im gonna give her, getting all tied up together.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

patriciadelicia said:


> well I did tell him I would like to be dominated and that he could tell me what to do.
> how much more do he need to know


Sometimes it does not come natural to those of us raised to be "nice guys". Takes some coaxing to come out of our shell.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> She told you oral sex is "disgusting"? How is she with you going down on her? I'm betting the disgust is nowhere to be found.


She thinks her genitals are also filthy. I am going to blame her Catholic up-bring in an all girls middle and high school taught by nuns. He only "real" sex exucation was a Sex Ed course we took together in college and that was very "medical" in nature. 

I have only gone down on her a few times and that was decades ago. I have always told her that she is delicious and "finger licking good." She thinks that was disgusting, so I don't bring the topic up, but I try other things. About three years ago, I talked her into doing a Yes/No/Maybe list with me. It was interesting, in that I knew what most of the No's would be. However, there were a couple of maybe's that were new. 

She is who she is. I choose to marry her. we love each other. She no longer refuses to have sex with me and when she puts her mind to it she can really sexually and emotionally rock my world.

Again, good luck to you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> This. I greatly enjoy her pleasure.....there are times i do not reach climax but i do not care.
> 
> Also it could be she feels embarassed to mention....she might want to be dominated in bed. My wife REALLY enjoys being told what to do. Have not tied her up but have got her in a position where she is bound up and could not get away from me if if i did not let her. She is at my mercy so to speak and she really gets excited by that. She has told me many times she will do what ever i want, that she feels totally safe with me.


A slightly different point of view is that she could be horrible emotionally conflicted. Many women love "bodice ripper" novels where the heroine is overpowered by the "hero" of the story. 

Often time there is a dynamic within a woman's mind about the importance of being a "good girl" and primal desire to be sexually taken or do things she considers to be naughty. 

Good role playing can create a situation where she can in her mind rationalize doing naughty things and still being a "good girl" because she had not choice. I view female bondage as a way of creating that, but it needs to be well scripted, have safe words and be totally consensual. 

Also my wife loves at time to arouse me to the point that my primal lust takes over and I have to ravish her body. I requires a lot of trust on her part, but she really feeds off my lust as a way of arousing herself.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Nope. Can't force her to tell. Can hope she shares fantasies some day. Her refusal makes me wonder how decadent they are and if they are about people we know.


You are probably over thinking it and they are probably much tamer than you imagine. 

One the things, I learned from the Sex Therapist to helped my wife and myself rebuild our sex starved marriage was that for many women after they have had children and gotten older they have weaker bladders. We have all her the jokes about women sneezing or laughing and having a bladder leak. Well the ST told me that orgasms can also create bladder leaks for some women and the thought of urinating on your husband after sex is enough to keep some women from even trying to achieve orgasm.

Again, it is probably something much less dramatic than your thoughts.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> A slightly different point of view is that she could be horrible emotionally conflicted. Many women love "bodice ripper" novels where the heroine is overpowered by the "hero" of the story.
> 
> Often time there is a dynamic within a woman's mind about the importance of being a "good girl" and primal desire to be sexually taken or do things she considers to be naughty.
> 
> ...


Could be. My wife herself does not read any of tgat stuff. She wants a strong man and to be submissive. She has always had to be the strong dominant female since childhood. She finally feels safe with me that she can be the submissive wife, not havi g to run the show, and not having the stress of being the one responsible if everything blows up.

To also be completelly vulnerable in her feminine and still feel safe and unafraid of being hurt. This from a woman that used to toe up against her violent abusive father to protect her little brothers from him. Until me she never felt safe with anyone. Were like Peas and Carrots. I prefer PBJ because neither is their best without the other.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> She thinks her genitals are also filthy. I am going to blame her Catholic up-bring in an all girls middle and high school taught by nuns. He only "real" sex exucation was a Sex Ed course we took together in college and that was very "medical" in nature.
> 
> I have only gone down on her a few times and that was decades ago. I have always told her that she is delicious and "finger licking good." She thinks that was disgusting, so I don't bring the topic up, but I try other things. About three years ago, I talked her into doing a Yes/No/Maybe list with me. It was interesting, in that I knew what most of the No's would be. However, there were a couple of maybe's that were new.
> 
> ...


Hard to figure out wives. I’ve heard “why do you enjoy that? It’s gross and smelly.” A week later? “Mmm, I’m love the way you lick me”


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> Another downvote on this one. If done properly there’s zero pain, zero damage and in fact, at least in my case, also very pleasurable to her as well. It’s by far my fav.


Zero pain and pleasure dies not change that the purpose of the sphyncter is to keep things out, not let things in. When it can't keep things out, it's useless.
I also have a Jewish view that sex is a celebration of life and having sex in the anal canal is having sex with dead matter the body is trying to evacuate.


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## shymalea62 (12 mo ago)

patriciadelicia said:


> sorry about replying but i dont know how to post.
> My situation is the opposite I want to learn how to please my husband more sexually


a few years ago our sexlife was getting a bit boring,both affraid to tell our fantasies,so we talked honestly with each other,so we came to the solution we were gonna tell each other all off our fetishes,fantasies and kinky wishes,but on one condition,it must be with respect&honesty and that we not gonna have a raw if one of us didn,t want to do some of the other fantasie,but since then we have naughty kinky sex


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Memphi70 said:


> Thank you and I totally get what you are saying and agree. My point of my post was that I just want to make sure she is sexually as happy as I am. Her enjoyment of the physical and emotional aspect out sexual life is important to me. I don’t want her to feel the need to look outside our bedroom for what she wants. Thank you again


While your intentions are admirable, you can't try to indulge a female's sexuality using the metric of male sexuality. You'd have to turn gay and get with dudes in order to do that. Boys and girls are different.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> *She thinks her genitals are also filthy.* I am going to blame her Catholic up-bring in an all girls middle and high school taught by nuns.


Maybe it is how some girls are socialized, how they were raised, their schooling. My wife attended public schools, but somehow had the same idea in her head early in our time together. When I asked her where she got that idea she said she didn't know. Maybe early in childhood from her mother? She would ask "how can you stand having your face down there?" Thankfully the question was always followed by her enjoying the journey, and she quit mentioning it after the first year.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe it is how some girls are socialized, how they were raised, their schooling. My wife attended public schools, but somehow had the same idea in her head early in our time together. When I asked her where she got that idea she said she didn't know. Maybe early in childhood from her mother? She would ask "how can you stand having your face down there?" Thankfully the question was always followed by her enjoying the journey, and she quit mentioning it after the first year.


just needed a little convincing


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> just needed a little convincing


Had to make reassuring comments every time 😉 it's beautiful, taste great, I like it, I love it, Want some more of it. 
Told my wife I just want to rub her all over my face and use her for moisturizer to prevent razor burn.😜😁


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Channeled your inner Tim
McGraw?!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Channeled your inner Tim
> McGraw?!


Indian Outlaw 😂 I do live in the Indian Nations


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