# I don't understand



## Hurt33 (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We are 28, have been married for 9 years, and have 8 and 6 month old daughters. I just don't udnerstand. He says he isn't happy anymore and hasn't been for a long time. He said a few years...How could all these years have been fake when I KNOW that his love was real most times. Yea, we've had our ups and downs, and we managed to fix them and he'd be so loving and sweet. I noticed that he'd been acting distant the past month, month and a half. I don't know how it just came about out of no where really because to me nothing drastically had changed. I couldn't take the pain of him not talking to me much so last weekend I finally told him we need to talk. He came out and said he isn't happy anymore and wants to move out. He said he will always love me because I am the mother of his kids. I told him I'd be willing to work out our problems and try to be a better wife, but that is when he told me he's felt like this for a while now. I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and rejected. I feel like I can't live without him. He has been my only love. I have had no feelings for anyone else and I love him just as much as I did when we first got married. What's even harder is explaining it to our 8 year old daughter who's so attached to him. We plan on talking to her tomorrow night. I pray and hope that this may all be temporary but feel like it is just false hope. Please help me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My guess is he's cheating. Any other red flags?

Let him go. Do not whine or beg - that NEVER works.


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## Hurt33 (Jan 17, 2013)

That's what I was thinking too. I asked him about this rumor that was being spread about him that HE had told me about. He said that he isn't seeing anyone else and isn't thinking about anyone else at this time. He swears he isn't cheating. He said to at least give him that, that he is not cheating on me. I want to believe him so bad, but I don't know really. He told me yea, that when he hangs out with his friends that she is around sometimes because she is a close friend with his friends wife. He said that when she's around, she's usually with another guy. I don't know if he is telling the truth or just saying that to throw me off...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And you are just taking his word for it because.................????

Ask a mod to move this thread to the CWI forum. Read the link in my signature for Newbies.

You need to harden your heart. You need to get mad here. 

If you are like many bewildered BS's you will want to know for sure what he is doing. You have a few options - I don't know if you still have access to his phone and computer, but spyware on them is a good idea. VAR in the car.

Let him move out. Tell him you are HAPPY he is moving out, and act like it. Start ignoring him. DO NOT have sex with him.

Read about the 180.

I am so very sorry


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Hurts-so so sorry you are going through this-it really hurts to the core. Sounds like an affair for sure. I'm hardly one to give advice but the 180, nc, and moving on is the proper response. Having said that it is very difficult to do- for me at least.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Hurt, your story sounds almost identical to mine. 

It did turn out that my exW was cheating. 

Begging made it worse. Telling her how much I loved her drove her closer to him. 

You've received good advice here. I wish I had come here sooner. For me. 

You CAN survive without him. Your marriage is not you. You want him... you do not need him. The sooner you let him go, the sooner he will start to miss you.

But if there is another woman you don't stand a chance until she is out of the picture completely.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Sadly and unfortunately I agree with the others. There's most surely another woman lined up and in the picture. He will deny deny deny. 
It's same situation as mine. Mine also told me he hasn't loved me for almost two years... Wtf ever. They lie to even themselves to validate what they are doing. It's sickening.
I'm so sorry. It's a crazy train wreck of guilt and sorrow but in time you will shine.
If you really want him back write a heartfelt letter stating how much he means to you and how much you are willing to make things right and work on your marriage and family. 
Then after you have said everything you want and need to and have let him know how much you welcome him home... Let him go.. Back off!!! I promise you it's the only way.. I never believed it either. But guess what. He wants what he can't have like every other human and he won't know what he's missing until its missing. Do not keep building him up do not keep begging or feeding into his ego. This will only make him feel more attractive for he Ow. No
No.. Let him go and do you for a while. Take up a new activity or relaxing reading, get busy with you and your children. 
He may come back but I realize that is the only way. Best of luck and I'm praying for your family to heal wholey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who told you these rumors?

How often does your husband go out and hang around this woman without you?


.


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Sorry about your situation. Something like that happened to me last year. He swore he didn't cheat. He did. I found out a couple of months later. It will come out. You can't hide crap like this forever. This is your stbxh running away from his responsibilities. Sounds like he had the pants scared off him. I bet he remembered how hard it is to have a baby and wussed out second time around. Decided to live a second adolescence. That's what mine did. SOunds like it could be the case, since you guys were so young when you got married. Keep us updated and stay strong for your beautiful kids. You can get through this. It hurst so much thought. I'm sorry.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

zillard said:


> Hurt, your story sounds almost identical to mine.
> 
> It did turn out that my exW was cheating. .


I'm always amazed how so many stories are the same. My wife said out of the blue she hadn't felt loved in years etc. Even though there were plenty of recent times where I know that wasn't the case. Either that or she is a good actress and should move to Hollywood. Love is so cruel.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> I'm always amazed how so many stories are the same. My wife said out of the blue she hadn't felt loved in years etc. Even though there were plenty of recent times where I know that wasn't the case. Either that or she is a good actress and should move to Hollywood. Love is so cruel.


The similarities are amazing. 

Mine said the same thing in October. Earlier in May it was: happy 8th babe! Definitely keeping you around for another 8. You're awesome.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

zillard said:


> The similarities are amazing.
> 
> Mine said the same thing in October. Earlier in May it was: happy 8th babe! Definitely keeping you around for another 8. You're awesome.


Count me as another one with an older child (8), a baby (4 months) and a cheating spouse. I am so sorry Hurt, but when you're blindsided out of the blue with "I love you but I'm not _in love _with you." it almost always means that there is someone else.

Start looking for whatever evidence you can. Do not tell him you are looking for these things and begin doing the 180 that others are telling you about on this site.


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm so sorry.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband told me the same thing. I was 8 months pregnant and it was a few days after our wedding anniversary. 

That morning we slept together, then he came home from work around midnight, told me we needed to talk and dropped the bomb: "I just can't do the marriage anymore" "Just wasn't happy, hadn't been for awhile" and I told him I had to hear it from him that he didn't love me anymore and he hesitated and then told me "I dont...love you anymore" Then he told me to leave. 

I just packed a small bag and sobbed. I was a mess for 4 months straight. Didn't get an explanation really. Of course I havent found evidence yet of an affair. Of course he did start talking to a female coworker and she quit 3 weeks after this all went down. So I'll never know if there was anything between them.

I've been dark on him for some time and it seems like he has indefinitely moved on.

It hurt like hell. It still does at times. I loved him too, damn was I head over heels for him...I had so much respect for him and I bragged on him all of the time....and I still love the man I married. But it seemed like the more I built him up, the more he tore me down. So I don't love this guy, but the guy he was before.
Something else I have to do, also let go of the guy he was.

You do have to remember that he is a completely different person now, I know it's hard. and know you might not ever get an explanation, I know my stbx's story never made sense, his explanations were always bogus. So we just have to give ourselves closure.

Take care of yourself, your children, remember you didn't fail, that this is HIS problem, not yours and 180 like hell(for you, not for him)

Things WILL look up.

You deserve better than some immature sh!thead that walked out on his family and responsibilities.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Its takes a especially cowardly loser to pull the ILYBINILWY when your wife is pregnant. 

Question do these types of people ever find a relationship they are happy in or do they just keep getting bored or running into minor relationship problems then jumping ship over and over. Finally moving on to the next poor unlucky soul who falls for their "I love you" B.S.?


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