# Not sure what to do



## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

I need help figuring out what I should do with my marriage. I have been married for 8 years and have two kids, 5 and 6. My wife is a good person but she is very critical. We fight a lot about almost everything. I seem to be unable to do the right thing as far as she sees it. Neither of us have great relationship comminications skills. We tend to get unhappy with the other and then sulk around for a while until it passes. This leads to unspoken resentments, passive agression, etc. She has told me she wants a divorce several times over the past few years, only to change her mind the following day and profess her love for me. We have talked about getting marital counselling several times but we never actually take steps to see on. I have been unhappy for a number of years and have secretly fantasized about leaving her and have been telling myself if she brings up divorce again I will take her up on it and end the marriage. Well, we had an argument on Monday and I came out and said I was not sure I wanted to be married to her any longer. This threw her and now she is very depressed at this prospect and wants to try to repair the marriage. My problem is that I am not sure I am in love any more (even though I know I love her and she is a good mom). I am also so physically drained by what has happened in the marriage that I am not sure I have the heart to continue and do the hard work to repair this. Part of me wants it over so I can try to rebuild and maybe find love again. I have met someone who I think I could have a relationship with if I wanted which is further clouding my judgement. 

Both my wife and I realize we are not good at communicating with each other and that we have done a lot over the years that has hurt each of us. She cheated on me early in the relationship and we never properly addressed that issue. I have forgiven her but not forgotten it. It is never mentioned, and we barely talked about it when i found out, but it has made me at times jealous and also suspicious of professional relationships she's had. I am no longer jealous or suspicious because part of me no longer cares. This sort of makes me thing the relationship is over and can't be repaired. 

That said, I am feeling very guilty over this as I have always been the one who wants to continue the marriage and now that the shoe is on the other foot, she is taking it hard. I also feel bad for what my kids will have to face in a split household (we're considering a 50/50 parenting arrangement, week on/week off). I'm very confused on what to do here. Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated.


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## neganagatime (Feb 10, 2012)

One other thing: we do not currently have sex. The whole marriage it had been somewhat infrequent, every 2 weeks or so and I always instigated it. Lately it has been where I basically needed to talk her into it because she was not interested and only did it out of feeling guilty about it. Well that is not very sexy so I decided I would not ask for it any more. As a result it has been a couple of months since we have any intimacy. I view this as a major issue as well as we are not compatible at all on this level. I would like it 1-2x a week. When we are intimate we are always closer and treat each other better for a few days at least.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It's time for someone to save this sinking ship!

Right now your marriage seems like a plant that needs water but no one is watering it. I would take the lead and line up a marriage counselor for you both - even if it is just to have him/her give you some tools for resolving conflict and communication. Your marriage sounds very salvageable if that's what you both want, at least in my opinion.

If you are done, you are done... but be warned that your lack of communication skills and conflict resolution will follow you from relationship to relationship until you fix it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Good marriage therapy is called for here. If she is interested and will participate.

Alternatively you could try to do it yourself, but again it requires both of you to actively and honestly make a go of it.

Two books I really like are "5 Love Languages" and "Getting the Love You Want". There is a workbook for "Getting the Love You Want" which you should do also.

5LL is pretty short and easy to get through together. Start there. GtLYW and the workbook will take some time as it is a homework based plan.


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