# Maybe the worst marriage EVER



## terrycjr

Hi.

Terry, married, Male, mid-30's. Wife the same but female, we'll call her Bob.

And i feel like I've been sucked into a black hole.


I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend. I didnt notice her much at the time, she was my friends gal and that was that. I had other gals. As the years went by, my friend and I became good friends, even went in on a house together. Bob, she went off to college and they no longer dated. A few years later they got back together and had a child. And then sadly, my friend, a brand new father, passed away. He was a sort of glue between our group of friends and we dissolved. I didnt see any of them or her again for 6 months. That is when we all took a trip to Florida, and Bob, made it VERY clear she had missed me and things happened and here we are 12 years later with 4 children. The oldest being my friends daughter whom i've raised as my own. Thats the beginning and now, why I'm here is the near suicidal life i've been living in between.

See Bob is an addict, and I didnt learn this until she was pregnant with our 2nd (3rd) child. The first few years we were together she was hiding an opiod dependency and feeding off her grandmothers pain killers. After her grandmother passed away and the supply went away she turned to alcohol. This was much more noticeable, especially since at this point she was pregnant. She was drinking 12 packs of beer or bottles of vodka 2-3 times a week. Needless to say i was furious. I eventuality got CYF involved and she started rehab and drug tests. Our daughter was born, healthy by a miracle (although 7 now and showing sign of serious behavior issues). 

After she was born, Bob went back into counseling and was eventually diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. In my on professional opinion, all things you can fake to get XANAX and Adderall. Fast forwarding many years of adderall and further alcohol abuse, we're up to the last year. The hardest year so far. January, here old boyfriends death day, she goes completely crazy and binge drinks. She actually ended up smashing up my show car in garage because i knew she was drinking and went to my brother in laws (her sisters husband) to avoid her. May, his birthday, more of the same, except this year she went back to his grave, then to a bar, and then never came home. ( I suspect she cheated on me). In august she got in a fight with me while i was trying to take the kids away from her, she was belligerent and being really nasty to them, especially the oldest. She came at me with a knife, i wrestled it from her, called the police and had her arrested. This was the start of another stint at rehab. Court ordered and for the most part she did very well, stayed sober, went in everyday and promised myself and her family things were going to be better. That lasted until the end of her probation. AA, rehab, sober, all came to a screeching halt. She found a new doctor to give her the adderall, her PCP actually. She doesnt take the adderall and alcohol together, she prefers the adderall. But they go fast. 90 pills in 4-5 days usually, no sleep, and then a huge crash that last 3-4 days. After that she drinks, and its been this way month after month for 8 years.

Theres been 2 more major episodes, in November she got smashed, cut her arm real bad trying to break into garage again after my car, she fled to a Hotel. But left the computer logged into her facebook account where i watched her message our daughters friends dad to come meet her there. Fortunately he's a better person than her. Bu that was the final straw for me ever trusting her again.

Theres 1 more episode i havent blocked out yet. But first i want to explain, I'm no Saint. 3 or 4 years ago we got into a bad argument where she was drunk, screaming in my face and then told me how she couldnt wait to **** other guys. Years of hate and resentment let go at that point, i slapped her across the face, i slapped her hard. I instantly regretted it. Not only was i upset i hurt her, but now I was to blame as well since i was now a physically abusive husband. We've had tussles before where she'd get drunk and attack me, never violent, but i've had to push her off or subdue her, but the time i slapped her, it was intentional and it was meant to hurt her. That was the only time i ever meant to hit her. More recently while trying to lock myself in bedroom away from her, she kicked the door in, and while trying to push her back out of the room to close the door, she tripped and fell backwards, hitting her head on the wall. A total accident, but still an excuse she carries with her everywhere.

The latest episode a few months ago. Our daughter has caught on to moms drinking, now when she gets home, can tell moms drinking, she leaves. But on that day mom was tired of her leaving. She called the police on our daughter for running away. She even told the police where to find her. At a friends down the street. At this point i'm just getting home from work, I already knew the situation because daughter called me to explain where she was going until i got home. The police at this point have been to our house many times, and they know Bob well. After a lot of screaming, yelling and drunkeness, Bob was hauled back off to jail for public drunkeness and resisting arrest. After she was subdued, i talked to the police, who i give credit, stayed very calm and professional. She was very violent in the back of the squad car, and after her sister arrived, older sister, we decided there was enough evidence to 302 her. (involuntary admitting to physc ward) 

11 days in the hospital, round the clock care and many hours in therapy, they diagnosed her with a "mood disorder", not want to call it bipolar disorder) and started her on lithium. Lithium was a drug i thought would be perfect for her years ago but i dont have a Dr's pen, and nor was i ever allowed to be part of or know about her "ADHD" treatment. She came home and for the first few weeks was doing VERY well, normally bubbly self (when sober, shes a very sweet, outgoing, bubbly person). I saw change and I myself wanted to change, the resentment was starting to lift, i was helping her do things around the house more, calling her from work more. Things were going well, I had hope again.

And then everything crashed back to the ground. At here 1 month, first physc appointment since the hospital, she was put into a new office with a new doctor. After 45 minutes, this new doctor sends her home with 2 new scripts of adderall, I wonder how that happened. The sleep stopped, her eyes darkened again and we were right back to where we have been. The adderall lasted 4 days, and for the last two days, i have smelled alcohol on her. Like always, she adamantly denies drinking, but i know what i smell. She's still taking the Lithium, 300mg a day, but i dont think its enough. And now I'm at a point where i'm ready to throw in the towel, this "through sickness and in health" **** just aint for me anymore.

Thanks for reading, therapy is $60 a week these days

(site wont let me reply, just edit)

I dont know why i stay, maybe becasue thats all i know, I was raised in a similar situation, 4 kids, drunk farther. Or i know i cant trust kids with her, but i cant handle 4 kids alone, or becasue my oldest is my step daughter, and i dont know how things would effect her staying with her siblings, I just dont know, which scares me, everything scares me.


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## Spicy

Why are you continuing to stay with her then? Sounds awful for you and all your kids.



terrycjr said:


> Hi.
> 
> Terry, married, Male, mid-30's. Wife the same but female, we'll call her Bob.
> 
> And i feel like I've been sucked into a black hole.
> 
> 
> I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend. I didnt notice her much at the time, she was my friends gal and that was that. I had other gals. As the years went by, my friend and I became good friends, even went in on a house together. Bob, she went off to college and they no longer dated. A few years later they got back together and had a child. And then sadly, my friend, a brand new father, passed away. He was a sort of glue between our group of friends and we dissolved. I didnt see any of them or her again for 6 months. That is when we all took a trip to Florida, and Bob, made it VERY clear she had missed me and things happened and here we are 12 years later with 4 children. The oldest being my friends daughter whom i've raised as my own. Thats the beginning and now, why I'm here is the near suicidal life i've been living in between.
> 
> See Bob is an addict, and I didnt learn this until she was pregnant with our 2nd (3rd) child. The first few years we were together she was hiding an opiod dependency and feeding off her grandmothers pain killers. After her grandmother passed away and the supply went away she turned to alcohol. This was much more noticeable, especially since at this point she was pregnant. She was drinking 12 packs of beer or bottles of vodka 2-3 times a week. Needless to say i was furious. I eventuality got CYF involved and she started rehab and drug tests. Our daughter was born, healthy by a miracle (although 7 now and showing sign of serious behavior issues).
> 
> After she was born, Bob went back into counseling and was eventually diagnosed with depression, anxiety and ADHD. In my on professional opinion, all things you can fake to get XANAX and Adderall. Fast forwarding many years of adderall and further alcohol abuse, we're up to the last year. The hardest year so far. January, here old boyfriends death day, she goes completely crazy and binge drinks. She actually ended up smashing up my show car in garage because i knew she was drinking and went to my brother in laws (her sisters husband) to avoid her. May, his birthday, more of the same, except this year she went back to his grave, then to a bar, and then never came home. ( I suspect she cheated on me). In august she got in a fight with me while i was trying to take the kids away from her, she was belligerent and being really nasty to them, especially the oldest. She came at me with a knife, i wrestled it from her, called the police and had her arrested. This was the start of another stint at rehab. Court ordered and for the most part she did very well, stayed sober, went in everyday and promised myself and her family things were going to be better. That lasted until the end of her probation. AA, rehab, sober, all came to a screeching halt. She found a new doctor to give her the adderall, her PCP actually. She doesnt take the adderall and alcohol together, she prefers the adderall. But they go fast. 90 pills in 4-5 days usually, no sleep, and then a huge crash that last 3-4 days. After that she drinks, and its been this way month after month for 8 years.
> 
> Theres been 2 more major episodes, in November she got smashed, cut her arm real bad trying to break into garage again after my car, she fled to a Hotel. But left the computer logged into her facebook account where i watched her message our daughters friends dad to come meet her there. Fortunately he's a better person than her. Bu that was the final straw for me ever trusting her again.
> 
> Theres 1 more episode i havent blocked out yet. But first i want to explain, I'm no Saint. 3 or 4 years ago we got into a bad argument where she was drunk, screaming in my face and then told me how she couldnt wait to **** other guys. Years of hate and resentment let go at that point, i slapped her across the face, i slapped her hard. I instantly regretted it. Not only was i upset i hurt her, but now I was to blame as well since i was no a physically abusive husband. We've had tussles before where she'd get drunk and attack me, never violent, but i've had to push her off or subdue her, but the time i slapped her, it was intentional and it was meant to hurt her. That was the only time i ever meant to hit her. More recently while trying to lock myself in bedroom away from her, she kicked the door in, and while trying to push her back out of the room to close the door, she tripped and fell backwards, hitting her head on the wall. A total accident, but still an excuse she carries with her everywhere.
> 
> The latest episode a few months ago. Our daughter has caught on to moms drinking, now when she gets home, can tell moms drinking, she leaves. But on that day mom was tired of her leaving. She called the police on our daughter for running away. She even told the police where to find her. At a friends down the street. At this point i'm just getting home from work, I already knew the situation because daughter called me to explain where she was going until i got home. The police at this point have been to our house many times, and they know Bob well. After a lot of screaming, yelling and drunkeness, Bob was hauled back off to jail for public drunkeness and resisting arrest. After she was subdued, i talked to the police, who i give credit, stayed very calm and professional. She was very violent in the back of the squad car, and after her sister arrived, older sister, we decided there was enough evidence to 302 her. (involuntary admitting to physc ward)
> 
> 11 days in the hospital, round the clock care and many our in theropy, they diagnosed her with a "mood disorder", not want to call it bipolar disorder) and started her on lithium. Lithium was a drug i thought would be perfect for her years ago but i dont have a Dr's pen, and nor was i ever allowed to be part of or know about her "ADHD" treatment. She came home and for the first few weeks was doing VERY well, normally bubbly self (when sober, shes a very sweet, outgoing, bubbly person). I saw change and I myself wanted to change, the resentment was starting to lift, i was helping her do things around the house more, calling her from work more. Things were going well, I had hope again.
> 
> And then everything crashed back to the ground. At here 1 month, first physc appointment since the hospital, she was put into a new office with a new doctor. After 45 minutes, this new doctor sends her home with 2 new scripts of adderall, I wonder how that happened. The sleep stopped, her eyes darkened again and we were right back to where we have been. The adderall lasted 4 days, and for the last two days, i have smelled alcohol on her. Like always, she adimitley denies drinking, but i know what i smell. She's still taking the Lithium, 300mg a day, but i dont think its enough. And now I'm at a point where i'm ready to throw in the towel, this "through sickness and in health" **** just aint for me anymore.
> 
> Thanks for reading, therapy is $60 a week these days


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## EleGirl

You are living in hell.

What are you thinking of doing about all this?


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## Diana7

Why are you letting your children grow up in this appalling situation? Its your job to protect them and get them away from her.


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## terrycjr

Diana7 said:


> Why are you letting your children grow up in this appalling situation? Its your job to protect them and get them away from her.


I dont know. I feel like theres hope, but then i look at the last 8 years and question if she will ever get help. Anytime she's ever gotten help it was becasue CYF or the Court has made her, and its only lasted as long as they are in the picture. When she's sober she's a terrific mom, puts them to bed at night, says prayers with them. But we never know when the next episode its going to be. most of the monthly episodes are contained to her just laying in bed or just telling me im a terrible person. But then theres months where she'll drink 3 bottles of wine and a bottle of Fireball as soon as the kids get on the bus. I feel she just needs something in her systems, when its adderall, she doesnt sleep, but the house is SPOTLESS. But then she withdraws and turns to alcohol, a little more each day until the next adderall script. Shes a good person, she doesnt deserve to lose her kids, but she has ZERO control over her actions. It's like if we had a round the clock baby sitter for her, things could be great.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Sorry you're going through this. 

Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've been told, Bob won't change until she wants to change.

Sure, everytime she's forced to abstain due to trouble/forced abstinence she'll say all the right things just passing time.

Key point is you can't make her decide to change and you can't change for her. If so, many loved ones in similar situations could share how but it's an absolute impossibility. 

I won't go into details as I'm sure you've been advised the same by multiple healthcare professionals through the years.

At some point you'll have to focus on you and kids and separate, let her live her life on her own.

It's sadly best you do this before someone is physically irreparably hurt. There's already emotional hurt in the kids and you. It will be lifelong for the kids unless you change their environment. 

No easy choices but some necessary hard decisions coming either by choice or a tragic event that forces it.

You have to let her deal with her own consequences and make her own choices for a while.

Or you'll end up in a nut house or in jail because of her.

Hang in there.

I hope she makes her decision and sticks to it while you're together but you have to be prepared for her to not to.


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## BluesPower

I have lived this... I could write 50 pages about living with an addict. 

But you know that already. 

Bottom line, get out now. TODAY is not soon enough. It hardly ever gets better. 

Save your children and yourself. 

You have already done damage to your children by staying in this marriage, I lived that too. 

File for divorce, get some therapy for yourself and your kids. Then figure out why you allowed yourself to stay in this marriage. 

GET OUT...


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## terrycjr

BluesPower said:


> I have lived this... I could write 50 pages about living with an addict.
> 
> But you know that already.
> 
> Bottom line, get out now. TODAY is not soon enough. It hardly ever gets better.
> 
> Save your children and yourself.
> 
> You have already done damage to your children by staying in this marriage, I lived that too.
> 
> File for divorce, get some therapy for yourself and your kids. Then figure out why you allowed yourself to stay in this marriage.
> 
> GET OUT...


God, i wished it was that easy, and maybe it is. I dont know. PA doesnt make it easy either, twice I've actually filled out the papers. They you have to wait 90 days, that just turns into 90 days of manipulation and guilt from her which alwasy seems to work on me. If divorce was free, didnt involve lawyers, and could be instant at time of fault. Id been long gone. But instead i file papers, read online, see how much lawyers are going to be, and then freak out at the thought of me having to support her somehow or having to not see my kids for days. Its like i have to take on twice the responsibilty and cost to leave her and she gets off with vacations from the kids and payments.


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## Marduk

terrycjr said:


> I dont know why i stay,


Yes you do.


> maybe becasue thats all i know, I was raised in a similar situation, 4 kids, drunk farther. Or i know i cant trust kids with her, but i cant handle 4 kids alone, or becasue my oldest is my step daughter, and i dont know how things would effect her staying with her siblings, I just dont know,


sounds like rationalizations to me.


> which scares me, *everything scares me*.


And there's your reason right there.


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## StillSearching

"I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend"...................I stopped right there, you should have too.
Ever heard of the guy code? There's a reason.


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## BluesPower

terrycjr said:


> God, i wished it was that easy, and maybe it is. I dont know. PA doesnt make it easy either, twice I've actually filled out the papers. They you have to wait 90 days, that just turns into 90 days of manipulation and guilt from her which alwasy seems to work on me. If divorce was free, didnt involve lawyers, and could be instant at time of fault. Id been long gone. But instead i file papers, read online, see how much lawyers are going to be, and then freak out at the thought of me having to support her somehow or having to not see my kids for days. Its like i have to take on twice the responsibilty and cost to leave her and she gets off with vacations from the kids and payments.


Dude, it is that easy. Get a Lawyer and file for divorce, and ignore her. Call the cops when she is out of control. Or when she lays hands on you. I don't know if you said it in your OP but I will lay odds that she had physically abused you and you were too embarrassed to call the cops.

You understand that you are codependent and damaged, I mean you get that, right. I know how this stuff works. 

You can make a MILLIOIN excuses, for a million years, and nothing will change. 

How about this, how about when she is wasted she runs over one of the kids, how would you feel about that. Or when she loses her mind and kills you or somebody else. 

How about a million other things. 

Listen, this is not about you being too weak and codependent to divorce her, we all see that. 

This is about your kids now. The question is are you man enough to protect your children or not. 

Because she is a danger to you and your kids, do you not ****ing understand that?????

My ex had several, "fender benders" with the kids in the car when they were small. I did not realize it was because she was wasted... 

Dude, wake up and protect your kids, and get into therapy... You don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like.

WAKE UP...


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## 3Xnocharm

You need to get your children, and yourself, away from this woman. You know you can enable someone to death, right? Maybe you need to get to some Al-Anon meetings for yourself. File for divorce and temporary full custody of your kids, and supervised visitation only for your wife. You have stayed in this way too long, you dont want your kids to think that this is what is normal, they need to grow up in a better environment than you did. Give that to them, if you cant seem to leave for yourself, or out of tough love for her.


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## terrycjr

Any ideas on what to do about my 12 year old step daughter? Her grand mother has had grandparents rights since her father died. Shes a nice woman but she's aging and lives in a ****ty area. The 12 year old goes over her house for visitation almost every week, i feel she would get custody of her and take her from us and her siblings if I split with mom. They dont have a problem with me, she calls me dad but I dont know what would happen if they found out Bob and i were splitting and i was taking ALL the children.

I doubt i would move, were close to my wifes family and they are very supportive of me. More so than my own family, but my family doesnt know much. My mom would probably bury my wife if she knew what was going on.


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## BluesPower

terrycjr said:


> Any ideas on what to do about my 12 year old step daughter? Her grand mother has had grandparents rights since her father died. Shes a nice woman but she's aging and lives in a ****ty area. The 12 year old goes over her house for visitation almost every week, i feel she would get custody of her and take her from us and her siblings if I split with mom. They dont have a problem with me, she calls me dad but I dont know what would happen if they found out Bob and i were splitting and i was taking ALL the children.
> 
> I doubt i would move, were close to my wifes family and they are very supportive of me. More so than my own family, but my family doesnt know much. My mom would probably bury my wife if she knew what was going on.


Brother, think about this... She is 12, and probably will live with her GM. Do you think that her GM is going to withhold your SD from you. She knows what is going on. It will work out, you have got to stop doing this....

What is "this" you say????? MAKING EXCUSES... 

What you just did there was go.... Oh, oh, um, aha.... I can't get my other kids and myself out of harms way because of my SD... What will happen to her... Stop it, it will work out...

Do you see that. I told you I know what this was about... I DID THE SAME THING... 

You are wasting time, file for divorce...


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## FalCod

StillSearching said:


> "I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend"...................I stopped right there, you should have too.
> Ever heard of the guy code? There's a reason.


Ummm....maybe you should have read a bit more before hopping on that high horse of yours.


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## FalCod

StillSearching said:


> Why? He married his friends GF.
> Maybe you should learn to recognize what a horse looks like.


Yeah, he started dating her 6 months after the guy was dead. Maybe your guy code has some perverse view that once a friend dates a girl, she is off the table forever. In the world of every guy I know, it means that you don't move on her until he has clearly dropped her and no longer has any interest. Being dead is about the strongest possible sign of no longer having an interest. Heck the tradition of levirate marriages is at least several thousand years old.


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## Prodigal

terrycjr said:


> .. she has ZERO control over her actions. It's like if we had a round the clock baby sitter for her, things could be great.


Let me start by saying I was married to a hardcore alcoholic. He was found dead in January 2015. I've been going to Al-Anon since 1996. 

To start, if she can admit she has no control over her addiction(s), it's a start. You admitting it? No way. HER addiction is not yours to own. Respect her enough to let her decide whether or not to handle her addiction.

STEP ONE: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable. That's where she needs to start. You? You need to admit that your ability to fix her is NOT manageable. So please don't delude yourself thinking a 24-hour-a-day babysitter would keep her on the straight and narrow. Addicts are extremely resourceful when it comes to getting booze or their drug of choice.

You need to detach with love. Your wife is just like my late husband. He'd check into rehab to get his bosses/me off his back and out of his face. As soon as he succeeded, within a few weeks out of rehab, he'd be sneaking the booze again. 

In the end, I left him. The final year of his life, I received a few emails and a birthday card. I never spoke to him. I had to let him go. And, ultimately, I had to respect his right to drink himself to death.

You may have to leave her and let her - hopefully - hit rock bottom. That is really all you can do for an addict. Sorry.


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## MattMatt

StillSearching said:


> "I met Bob about 20 years ago. She was dating a friend"...................I stopped right there, you should have too.
> Ever heard of the guy code? There's a reason.


Stop acting like a High School kid.

The "guy code?" No.


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## sunsetmist

You have my sympathy. Truly. You have learned to be vigilant all the time, to consider all options, to make-do because, "what if...".

In spite of your having filled out paperwork, it is confusing to me if you have ever received clear LEGAL advice? Is it possible that you might adopt your stepdaughter and that would facilitate custody or have you done this? Is she old enough in PA for her choice to be considered? 

I think you love the sober Bob and are having difficulty turning her loose because you think she could not sustain life without you and kids as a buffer. You and the kids must have a more stable life--relatives of alcoholics live a complicated and often painful life.

What would you advise any of your kids to do if they were wed to someone like Bob? Think on that.


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## moulinyx

Have you ever thought about legally adopting the 12-year-old? You need to be planning an out for the sake of your children. I get the 12-year-old isn't biologically yours, but she is YOUR daughter. Bob is not ready to live the way she should, but you are responsible for the wellbeing of those children. I agree splitting up the children would be horrible. My stepfather adopted my sister and I as adults and it was such an amazing experience right after we outed our abuser. Look into it! 

Sorry to read about this situation. Addiction is so sad


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## terrycjr

morning.

Sorry, i know i make some of you more experienced people frustrated by not just leaving. But proceeding to adopt my SD sounds like a good start. Hopefully I can find a good family lawyer that can help in both situations. 

I still have a shred of hope, i know i know, but she has been sober since the 302 5 weeks ago. Thats when she started Lithium for "bipolar", lithium supposedly helps with alcoholism as well. The other shred of hope is that when i went to pick up her new script of lithium, her adderall was still there from a week ago, she knew it was there but chose not to take it. Will this last, I dont know. I took the adderall and put it in my desk at work, i figured if she going to go for it, i'll know when she asked me about where it went. I still feel like i smelled alcohol on her the other day, but she didnt act like she was drinking, she like most, wont just drink a little, she drinks until she's drunk. 

Maybe being arrested again in front of her kids was rock bottom, is it too soon to think Lithium may be a blessing and things might start to get better?


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## Nucking Futs

terrycjr said:


> morning.
> 
> Sorry, i know i make some of you more experienced people frustrated by not just leaving. But proceeding to adopt my SD sounds like a good start. Hopefully I can find a good family lawyer that can help in both situations.
> 
> I still have a shred of hope, i know i know, but she has been sober since the 302 5 weeks ago. Thats when she started Lithium for "bipolar", lithium supposedly helps with alcoholism as well. The other shred of hope is that when i went to pick up her new script of lithium, her adderall was still there from a week ago, she knew it was there but chose not to take it. Will this last, I dont know. I took the adderall and put it in my desk at work, i figured if she going to go for it, i'll know when she asked me about where it went. I still feel like i smelled alcohol on her the other day, but she didnt act like she was drinking, she like most, wont just drink a little, she drinks until she's drunk.
> 
> Maybe being arrested again in front of her kids was rock bottom, is it too soon to think Lithium may be a blessing and things might start to get better?


Have your hope but be realistic about it. Get with the lawyer about adoption and divorce. I suspect you'll need bobs consent to adopt, if so you should get your daughter on board with it then have her approach her mother to ask you if you would do it. Don't let bob know it's your idea. Get this done while she's still in good mom mode, then when she flips out again drop the divorce packet and don't back down from it when she goes sober again. Go for supervised visitation for her only, use her 302 history to show it's not safe to have her unsupervised with the kids.


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## terrycjr

Welp, just got a discouraging call, she asked if i picked up her adderall. Which means shes looking for it. I told her i have it with me at work, that Im disappointed she asked me for it after agreeing she would try Lithium only for 2 months. She started getting loud and hung up on me. The fog around me is lifting


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## Prodigal

I'm sorry to hear the latest, but to be perfectly honest with you, she's simply doing what addicts do. My suggestions would be that you seriously consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. You may also want to check out the Sober Recovery website. One of the forums is called "Friends and Family of Alcoholics." Lots of experience, strength, and hope to be shared there.

Listen, I've been through it all. I searched the house for the hidden bottles. I monitored his alcohol intake. I begged. I pleaded. I threatened. Then I finally had that let-go-and-let-God moment. I stepped back and allowed my husband to basically kill himself.

Keep in mind that we become as sick as the addict. There is no way anyone can be exposed to addiction and not be affected. That's where Al-Anon comes in. All I can tell you is that "shred" of hope is not realistic. You simply can't pin your happiness on a messed-up addict. Sad, but true.


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## Marduk

terrycjr said:


> is it too soon to think Lithium may be a blessing and things might start to get better?


Yes, it's too soon to think that.

Or at this point, really care or have it influence your decision making process in any way.


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## terrycjr

I called an attorney, was lunch time i guess so waiting for a call back, I'm going to get the ball rolling on adoption. Was less excuse. One less snag


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## nekonamida

Terry, I think you're jumping the gun a little bit on adoption. Only because you have said it yourself - her family is supportive. They will work with you on sharing your SD and letting her see her siblings. If you can swing the adoption, go for it but don't use it as yet another tactic to stall time.

What you're doing isn't just making excuses. It's smoking hopium. Every time **** isn't currently hitting the fan, you're getting a little high thinking that maybe THIS time your wife will come around. But she never does. Hell, even this:



> I still have a shred of hope, i know i know, but she has been sober since the 302 5 weeks ago.


Is so ridiculous because at the time of writing this, you KNEW for a FACT she had just had another adderall binge and followed it up with drinking. There's no such thing as "sober but still doing drugs of choice". You're either sober or you're not and she wasn't sober.

What's also apparent to me is that she DOES have some control because whenever she's forced to be sober, she does it. No one held a gun to her head and made her stop taking pills and drinking after her legal troubles. She did it herself because she knew the consequences of not doing it. That screams control because someone who can't control themselves could never do that. If her addiction was so wrapped up in her mental health issues, she would have gone right back to pills and drinking the second she was physically able to get some but instead she waited it out. And then once probation lifted, BAM. Right back to it. 

That should be a good thing, right? That she may be capable of sobriety? Except that, it's also a very bad sign for you because it means that she's choosing to use when she knows there's an option to not use and she knows what steps she can take to stay sober. She's simply choosing not to as long as no one is holding her accountable.

If you divorce her, she MIGHT hit rock bottom. She might choose to get help. And if she does and stays clean for an extended period of time, you can date her again. It is an option. But as long as you stay and enable her, she will never get there. She will always think it's "not that bad" if you're there to clean up her messes and take care of the kids when she can't or won't. If she loses you, she will finally have to face herself and her own failings as an adult and a mother. She won't have you to fall back on anymore. And then, only then, does she have a real chance at getting sober and staying sober.

For you - get a therapist for yourself. You need to examine why you've let this go on for so long and handle the fear and trauma you're experiencing. Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and maybe a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover too. Start taking back control of your life and stop with the excuses. Start combating the fear you feel with information. Afraid of what a lawyer could cost? Then actually talk to one before freaking out. Can't imagine how to handle child care yourself? Talk to friends and family. Find out how they do it. Look into subsidized child care if that's an option. You have resources. You are not stuck. You are allowing yourself to stay stuck by not educating yourself and using that information to get you out of this situation.

Look at how fast you jumped on adoption for your SD. You didn't sit there and say, "OMG, what about my wife not signing the papers? What about the cost? What about what about..." You did exactly what you knew was the right thing to do - talked to a lawyer. See what's doable and what's not. Get the ball rolling now and handle obstacles as they arise. You didn't let fear paralyze you when you could have so you have it in you. You just must treat divorce the exact same way. One step at a time. Always moving forward.


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## 3Xnocharm

nekonamida said:


> T
> 
> What's also apparent to me is that she DOES have some control because whenever she's forced to be sober, she does it. No one held a gun to her head and made her stop taking pills and drinking after her legal troubles. She did it herself because she knew the consequences of not doing it. That screams control because someone who can't control themselves could never do that. If her addiction was so wrapped up in her mental health issues, she would have gone right back to pills and drinking the second she was physically able to get some but instead she waited it out. And then once probation lifted, BAM. Right back to it.
> 
> That should be a good thing, right? That she may be capable of sobriety? Except that, it's also a very bad sign for you because it means that she's choosing to use when she knows there's an option to not use and she knows what steps she can take to stay sober. She's simply choosing not to as long as no one is holding her accountable.
> 
> If you divorce her, she MIGHT hit rock bottom. She might choose to get help. And if she does and stays clean for an extended period of time, you can date her again. It is an option. But as long as you stay and enable her, she will never get there. She will always think it's "not that bad" if you're there to clean up her messes and take care of the kids when she can't or won't. If she loses you, she will finally have to face herself and her own failings as an adult and a mother. She won't have you to fall back on anymore. And then, only then, does she have a real chance at getting sober and staying sober.


This is spot on. An addict is NEVER EVER going to get sober until THEY decide that being sober is what they want/need for themselves. No one else holds the same priority in their life as themselves and their drug of choice. Your enabling makes it easier for her to keep using.


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## sunsetmist

Make sure you are aware of the side effects of lithium. You can drink some alcohol while taking lithium, but you must not get dehydrated. Drinking alcohol can make you dehydrated. If this happens, the lithium level may rise in your body and reach a toxic level.

Also lithium may interact with Adderall, Ibuprofen, and Naproxen. One should taken lithium regularly and not stop cold-turkey.

Glad you are looking into adoption of step daughter.


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## Holdingontoit

Kicking addiction is like weight loss. You can't do it for someone else. You can't want it more than they do (and remain healthy). It will only happen when THEY want it to. You have zero control over when they may (if ever) want to. If you think you have any control over their decision, you are fooling yourself.

As @Marduk pointed out earlier, right now your problem is NOT your wife. Your problem is your fear. Stop worrying how you are going to help your wife overcome her addiction and start working on how you are going to help yourself overcome your fear. THAT is where the "answer" lies. When you stop being ruled by fear, your path forward will be clear to you.

FWIW, I have allowed my life to be ruled by fear and I take no steps to overcome it. So I am not judging you or condemning you. I am simply explaining your situation. Which I know well. Because I have lived it.


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## Marduk

Back in the day, my sensei was trying to get me to stop flinching when he’d throw a punch at me. 

I could stop everything but blinking my eyes - but that was enough. I was still being momentarily frozen by the punches, even after him not completing them. 

So he punched me hard, right in the gut. I hit the mat, passed out for a minute I think. He helped me back up. 

He laughed, and said “see? Getting hit isn’t so bad!”

And that’s when I stopped flinching. Because I knew I could take it if I had to. Just like I could take my first divorce again... if I had to. 

Now, this kind of fear isn’t so different, but it is an existential fear. It freezes you, makes you hesitate, makes you irrational - all the things you’re going to need to not be to make this work. 

Give this a try: https://medium.com/@checkli/fear-setting-free-checklist-download-template-tim-ferriss-dd9773a270d1

It’s called “fear setting” by Tim Ferris. It’s meant to explore your fears rationally, examine them, and use your reason to make a good decision.


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## alte Dame

You sound like you have learned helplessness. You use every excuse in the book to be able to stay in this toxicity.

Find some counseling to help you extract yourself. You flail around, implementing 'solutions' that occur to you, but you, of all people, are in no position to see clearly. You didn't grow up in a healthy family and now you are repeating that experience with your own children. You are doing them tremendous harm by not manning up and getting the appropriate help.


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## terrycjr

nekonamida said:


> Terry, I think you're jumping the gun a little bit on adoption. Only because you have said it yourself - her family is supportive. They will work with you on sharing your SD and letting her see her siblings. If you can swing the adoption, go for it but don't use it as yet another tactic to stall time.
> 
> What you're doing isn't just making excuses. It's smoking hopium. Every time **** isn't currently hitting the fan, you're getting a little high thinking that maybe THIS time your wife will come around. But she never does. Hell, even this:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I still have a shred of hope, i know i know, but she has been sober since the 302 5 weeks ago.
> 
> 
> 
> Is so ridiculous because at the time of writing this, you KNEW for a FACT she had just had another adderall binge and followed it up with drinking. There's no such thing as "sober but still doing drugs of choice". You're either sober or you're not and she wasn't sober.
> 
> What's also apparent to me is that she DOES have some control because whenever she's forced to be sober, she does it. No one held a gun to her head and made her stop taking pills and drinking after her legal troubles. She did it herself because she knew the consequences of not doing it. That screams control because someone who can't control themselves could never do that. If her addiction was so wrapped up in her mental health issues, she would have gone right back to pills and drinking the second she was physically able to get some but instead she waited it out. And then once probation lifted, BAM. Right back to it.
> 
> That should be a good thing, right? That she may be capable of sobriety? Except that, it's also a very bad sign for you because it means that she's choosing to use when she knows there's an option to not use and she knows what steps she can take to stay sober. She's simply choosing not to as long as no one is holding her accountable.
> 
> If you divorce her, she MIGHT hit rock bottom. She might choose to get help. And if she does and stays clean for an extended period of time, you can date her again. It is an option. But as long as you stay and enable her, she will never get there. She will always think it's "not that bad" if you're there to clean up her messes and take care of the kids when she can't or won't. If she loses you, she will finally have to face herself and her own failings as an adult and a mother. She won't have you to fall back on anymore. And then, only then, does she have a real chance at getting sober and staying sober.
> 
> For you - get a therapist for yourself. You need to examine why you've let this go on for so long and handle the fear and trauma you're experiencing. Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and maybe a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover too. Start taking back control of your life and stop with the excuses. Start combating the fear you feel with information. Afraid of what a lawyer could cost? Then actually talk to one before freaking out. Can't imagine how to handle child care yourself? Talk to friends and family. Find out how they do it. Look into subsidized child care if that's an option. You have resources. You are not stuck. You are allowing yourself to stay stuck by not educating yourself and using that information to get you out of this situation.
> 
> Look at how fast you jumped on adoption for your SD. You didn't sit there and say, "OMG, what about my wife not signing the papers? What about the cost? What about what about..." You did exactly what you knew was the right thing to do - talked to a lawyer. See what's doable and what's not. Get the ball rolling now and handle obstacles as they arise. You didn't let fear paralyze you when you could have so you have it in you. You just must treat divorce the exact same way. One step at a time. Always moving forward.
Click to expand...

This was a very good post. Thank you.


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## anonfrank

Bipolar people very commonly self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. She’s not going to be willing to get help unless forced.

Get out now, for your sake and your children’s. Your children are suffering.

I am married to a bipolar woman, but she is willing to allow me to give her medications so she stays out of the hospital, and she isn’t (and never has been, thank goodness) a substance abuser. If either of those things change, I am out and would seek 100% custody of our son. So far, so good for over two years. I am very lucky in that my wife is willing to accept treatment.

The only way you should stay, is if you take control of the situation. What’s that mean? It means never allow her Adderall (why are you the one to get it from the pharmacy?), call the pharmacy to explain the situation and not give her any (though she may just get it from elsewhere), call the doctor prescribing the Adderall to alert him/her that she’s an addict, keep the lithium with you, and you be the person giving her the lithium, not trusting her to do the job. You may have to be the one who drives her to AA meetings. 

If all that is too daunting for you, or she’s not willing to allow you to help in that way, you need to leave because at that point, what point is there in staying with her?


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## Prodigal

You're the one who titled your thread "Maybe the worst marriage EVER." If it's as bad as you claim, why aren't you gone? Oh, yeah, it's because you have "hope." Sorry, but NO. It's about your enabling and codependency. YOU need help. Now. Either get help or continue making excuses to remain in marriage hell.

When should "hope" become a factor? When your wife has at least one year clean and sober. When you have detached and started working your own program of recovery - again, for at least one year - so you can make a rational and informed decision.

I cannot fathom why you are putting the kids through this **** show. Well, actually I can. You are pandering to your own codependency. At this point, the kids just have to survive. Sad.


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## Lostinthought61

You realize she is inching closer to going to jail...no bailing her out for your children sake you need to leave her and get full custody


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## terrycjr

I've been looking into PFA's. I think this may help me get away from the codependency. Once i cant get her to stop manipulating me, and i can find a plan for my kids while i'm at work things may get easier in my head. When she was in the phsyc ward for 11 days i missed all that time from work. Fortunately I have a boss that i've known for 15 years and knows a little bit about the situation I'm in. But i cant go missing work again like that if i'm alone again. I need a plan, and i'm not made of money, i cant just simply put 4 kids in daycare or i'd be working for a net loss.


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## Prodigal

terrycjr said:


> I need a plan, and i'm not made of money, i cant just simply put 4 kids in daycare or i'd be working for a net loss.


I'm going to assume not all your kids are under the age of 5, so they're in school at least half of the day. I'm also going to assume you have friends/family who might be able to assist. Your older children could likely stay at friends homes for several hours after school and until you get off work. Sure, you'd have to pay a bit for that, but it's not like they have to be in day care 10 hours a day, right?

Here's what you've got on your plate: A mentally unstable addict who can't take care of herself, let alone children. You know she's been this way for quite some time. So, like it or not, it is imperative that you come up with a plan to protect your children ASAP.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Work a program for your codependency - Al-Anon. Get your kids to a safe place, even if it means farming them out to family for the time being. No child deserves to be exposed to a crazy addict. And if you have to make some financial sacrifices, so be it. Your kids will thank you.


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## terrycjr

the last time CYF was there, they told me I was legally allowed to leave my kids home alone with the 12 year old. That would help a lot during school days, which is half the year assuming all kids go to school everyday. I could leave at 8am after they all get on buses, take the youngest to where ever he ends up going and then to work. But i cant just start work at 9am and scramble every sick day until they are all 12. I'm not trying to make excuses, but these are the real challenges of being a kids Dad of 4 kids that i struggle with to be able to move on. 

She's still sober but I think only becasue I'm giving her her adderall everyday like prescribed. In the past i kept the bottle at home, but like a K9 she would find it and take them. So i started keeping the bottle at my office. But on Christmas Eve, i forgot to bring the next days pill home. Christmas day we had to detour to my office, deactivate the security system and get her a fcking pill before she threw a temper tantrum that would have ruined everyones day.


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## BluesPower

terrycjr said:


> She's still sober but I think only becasue I'm giving her her adderall everyday like prescribed. In the past i kept the bottle at home, but like a K9 she would find it and take them. So i started keeping the bottle at my office. But on Christmas Eve, i forgot to bring the next days pill home. Christmas day we had to detour to my office, deactivate the security system and get her a fcking pill before she threw a temper tantrum that would have ruined everyones day.


I went this route as well an it is a fools errand. I tried to "dispense" her meds as well, that way she would not abuse, right???

No, it did not work. After the divorce, while I was cleaning out the house, I found 5 different stashes of pills that she used to stay high. 

It was always a fools errand to try and "Make" someone be sober. 

Brother, you are wasting your time...


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## 3Xnocharm

terrycjr said:


> the last time CYF was there, they told me I was legally allowed to leave my kids home alone with the 12 year old. That would help a lot during school days, which is half the year assuming all kids go to school everyday. I could leave at 8am after they all get on buses, take the youngest to where ever he ends up going and then to work. But i cant just start work at 9am and scramble every sick day until they are all 12. *I'm not trying to make excuses, but these are the real challenges of being a kids Dad of 4 kids that i struggle with to be able to move on. *


Whatever challenges may lie ahead regarding parenting for you, it is WORTH IT to get your kids away from a toxic, abusive addict in their home. There is always a way to make things work.


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## terrycjr

I think i could write a book called "Hate Me"


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## 3Xnocharm

terrycjr said:


> I think i could write a book called "Hate Me"


Based on what? What is going on T?


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## terrycjr

Update. But quick recent backstory. Back in November she was real bad. Got 302'd. Involuntary admission to physc/rehab. They took her off adderal. Put her on lithium and sent home after 11 days. The follow up phyciotrist appointment idiot puts her back on adderal. 
So guess what. They get abused and she started drinking again. But this time hiding it much better. I only noticed twice, recently. Yesterday I pull up after work. I instantly see it in her face. I grab my 3 year old and we go down town. I FILED A PFA. I was gone for about 4 hours. It was no fun. But the judge signed off on eviction and gave me the kids. Even my step daughter. 

At this point, 4 or so hours gone. The wifes starting to sober up. She calls and i tell her she should pack a bag. She sends me a text that basically says she plans a suicide by cop. I show this to the police. Tell them where our knifes are. My wife was just 302'd 3 months ago for this same stuff. So what do the police do...they take her to the Holiday inn down the street next to the liquor store. Like WTF. Guess where she us now? Back in a 302. Shocking! She drank herself stupid at the hotel. Git in a fight in the lobby with her sister. Police came and at least did the right thing this time. 

I just dont understand how a person can have no control what so ever over any part of their life.


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## Tilted 1

The Addicted doesn't understand logic.


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## terrycjr

I truly believe shes a Sociopath. Checks every box


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## Tilted 1

How are you doing though? It's great to hear you got the kids protected. She's truly sick and isn't whole and deeply rooted issues but you are taking care of first things first.


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## terrycjr

Just stressed. Dont know how to do 4 kids and work.


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## Tilted 1

Well give yourself credit, if anyone in your shoes had the answers could they clame more nope. Your doing exactly how it should be done by taking each moment as they come.


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## alte Dame

Where are you as far as getting free of her permanently? I know that a bunch of children and a job is hard, but you have no choice. No choice. You have been slowly taking some control. It's time to stop feeling manipulated and understand that you are manipulated only if you allow it.

Protect the children. That is your no. 1 job.


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## Prodigal

terrycjr said:


> I just dont understand how a person can have no control what so ever over any part of their life.


"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable."

You're not an addict. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense.


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## terrycjr

They might be releasing her soon. She released me to talk with doctors this time. They are sending her to an outpatient place that specializes in dual diagnosis and do not offer addictive type drugs. They also bumped her lithium to 900mg and started Naltrexone. She hasnt called me in 2 days after i told her I'm getting pretty good at talking care of myself and the kids alone. Everythings getting easier with practice and a plan


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## Tilted 1

Thanks for the update


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## 3Xnocharm

So what is the plan once she is released? Where will she be going?


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## terrycjr

3Xnocharm said:


> So what is the plan once she is released? Where will she be going?


from the sound of her today, I think the best thing for her is to keep my doors locked and let her go to an inpatient place she discussed up in North Central PA


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## 3Xnocharm

Good plan, no way should she be in your home.


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## Tilted 1

terrycjr said:


> from the sound of her today, I think the best thing for her is to keep my doors locked and let her go to an Outpatient place she discussed up in North Central PA


A very very smart move, and thinking. Good for you


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## aquarius1

terrycjr said:


> They might be releasing her soon. She released me to talk with doctors this time. They are sending her to an outpatient place that specializes in dual diagnosis and do not offer addictive type drugs. They also bumped her lithium to 900mg and started Naltrexone. She hasnt called me in 2 days after i told her I'm getting pretty good at talking care of myself and the kids alone. Everythings getting easier with practice and a plan


Exactly. It's the fear of the unknown that often keeps us stuck. You are learning, day by day. Figuring it out. Putting those kids first. Good on you sir.


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## terrycjr

little update. She has admitted to her addictions and I drove her up to the inpatient facility for a 30 day program. The counselors at school have been working with our oldest. The younger kids, as far as i can tell have not been effected, at least by this. Our younger daughter seems to miss her the most. She made a craft paper thing which i put in the mail to the facility. She's not allowed much communication their. 2 supervised phone calls a week.I asked the other kids to dreaw mummy a picture too but so far, I've only gotten the one.


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## terrycjr

Coming up on a month of her being gone. I've been sleeping like a baby. The girls seem to be coming out of there shells. Our 12 year old has been out more in the living room watching movies and seems less depressed. My 8 year old has been good too, letting me brush her hair and is super excited about picture day today. She got her dress all ready last night, did her nails and stuff that wont even be in the picture lol, but she was having fun. Youngest son has been a little more clingy but i think he's also enjoying the nanny and getting to see his cousins more. My older son hasnt changed much, but seems to be making new friends on his xbox thing, now taht he doesnt have to have his mic muted all the time.

The wifes supposed to be getting released from the inpatient facility in 10 or 11 days. Communication has been very limited. And i dont think things will be any different. She just seems too happy to be there. I took the kids up to see her last weekend and she barely interacted with them and then even started to get annoyed with all of them around her. I want to make things better but she really just disgusts me and I dont know if i can let her back in my life yet


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## 3Xnocharm

So where will she be going when she is released? Surely you are not letting her come back into your home...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bobert

@terrycjr, Two people directed me to your thread because I've dealt with a somewhat similar situation. To be honest, I was pointed your way quite a while ago, and again more recently, but I wasn't really in a place to be giving any sort of advice.

A quick background on me. I'm a guy, mid-30's. Known my wife for about 20 years, married a little over half of that. We have three kids (similar ages to yours) and one of my children is technically my step-daughter, but I have raised her from birth (bio-dad is in the picture). There were affairs in my marriage and issues related to that. My wife has been in psychiatric hospitals a few times ranging from two weeks to several months (starting about a year ago). At the start of last year I planned on divorcing, but later changed my mind and my wife and I are still together. So, that's where I'm coming from.

I don't know how much I will have to say at this point, but I guess I wanted to reach out. You and your children seem to be doing well right now, which I was glad to read. I've wondered about it from time to time.

In a way, being in an inpatient facility is easy. You have no responsibilities. You get to take a break from the world. The only focus is you and working on you. You are forced to stop and work on you. You are on your meds (don't discount how important that is!). You feel like you can trust yourself because there is no (or limited) option for failure, whether that is alcohol, drugs, self-harm, etc. All the resources you could need are there. You feel _safe_, something that is hard to come by in the real world. Staff are there 24/7 for support. You need someone at 3AM to talk to and play cards with, they are there. You need someone who always (or usually) has the right things to say, they are there. You need someone who understands what you are going through and doesn't judge you, they are there. While inpatient, you can relax and be you, because you aren't fooling anyone. Sometimes, when people don't have all of that outside of the inpatient facility, they enjoy that and when discharged, miss it. Sometimes, like newly released prisoners, they do things to end up back there. Just something to be prepared for.

Having limited contact for 30 days is totally normal, by the way. When my wife was inpatient the first time it was no contact whatsoever for 30 days, then limited contact. Most inpatient places do that. 

It was difficult for everyone when I started taking the kids to see their mom. She is a good mom, she always has been and our kids are her world, but after being hospitalized she had a hard time being around them. There were visits were she got annoyed with them and ended those visits early because she couldn't handle anymore. So I wouldn't necessarily discount that as your wife not being interested in the kids. Of course, she could be and you know her best but just keep an open mind I guess.

If/when your wife comes home, expect your kids to act out. Home is relaxing without her there and they seem to be enjoying that. They will likely (and rightfully!) be scared that things will go back to the way things were, especially because it went on for so long. They may act out towards you for "allowing" her back home.

It's totally fine that you don't know if you want to be with her. I took months to figure that out. Hell, I'm still trying to figure it out some days! Your wife has to prove that she is trustworthy, and unfortunately she has spent years proving otherwise. She may also not want to be with you... That's always a possibility. Are there family/marriage counselors offered at the inpatient facility that you could use? Whether you stay together or not, she will always be in your life and you will have to parent with her (unless she abandons the kids). 

You will need to figure out where she is going once discharged. I don't recommend leaving that to the last minute.


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## terrycjr

bobert said:


> @terrycjr, Two people directed me to your thread because I've dealt with a somewhat similar situation. To be honest, I was pointed your way quite a while ago, and again more recently, but I wasn't really in a place to be giving any sort of advice.
> 
> A quick background on me. I'm a guy, mid-30's. Known my wife for about 20 years, married a little over half of that. We have three kids (similar ages to yours) and one of my children is technically my step-daughter, but I have raised her from birth (bio-dad is in the picture). There were affairs in my marriage and issues related to that. My wife has been in psychiatric hospitals a few times ranging from two weeks to several months (starting about a year ago). At the start of last year I planned on divorcing, but later changed my mind and my wife and I are still together. So, that's where I'm coming from.
> 
> I don't know how much I will have to say at this point, but I guess I wanted to reach out. You and your children seem to be doing well right now, which I was glad to read. I've wondered about it from time to time.
> 
> In a way, being in an inpatient facility is easy. You have no responsibilities. You get to take a break from the world. The only focus is you and working on you. You are forced to stop and work on you. You are on your meds (don't discount how important that is!). You feel like you can trust yourself because there is no (or limited) option for failure, whether that is alcohol, drugs, self-harm, etc. All the resources you could need are there. You feel _safe_, something that is hard to come by in the real world. Staff are there 24/7 for support. You need someone at 3AM to talk to and play cards with, they are there. You need someone who always (or usually) has the right things to say, they are there. You need someone who understands what you are going through and doesn't judge you, they are there. While inpatient, you can relax and be you, because you aren't fooling anyone. Sometimes, when people don't have all of that outside of the inpatient facility, they enjoy that and when discharged, miss it. Sometimes, like newly released prisoners, they do things to end up back there. Just something to be prepared for.
> 
> Having limited contact for 30 days is totally normal, by the way. When my wife was inpatient the first time it was no contact whatsoever for 30 days, then limited contact. Most inpatient places do that.
> 
> It was difficult for everyone when I started taking the kids to see their mom. She is a good mom, she always has been and our kids are her world, but after being hospitalized she had a hard time being around them. There were visits were she got annoyed with them and ended those visits early because she couldn't handle anymore. So I wouldn't necessarily discount that as your wife not being interested in the kids. Of course, she could be and you know her best but just keep an open mind I guess.
> 
> If/when your wife comes home, expect your kids to act out. Home is relaxing without her there and they seem to be enjoying that. They will likely (and rightfully!) be scared that things will go back to the way things were, especially because it went on for so long. They may act out towards you for "allowing" her back home.
> 
> It's totally fine that you don't know if you want to be with her. I took months to figure that out. Hell, I'm still trying to figure it out some days! Your wife has to prove that she is trustworthy, and unfortunately she has spent years proving otherwise. She may also not want to be with you... That's always a possibility. Are there family/marriage counselors offered at the inpatient facility that you could use? Whether you stay together or not, she will always be in your life and you will have to parent with her (unless she abandons the kids).
> 
> You will need to figure out where she is going once discharged. I don't recommend leaving that to the last minute.


thank you for that. Something i forgot to mention was that she's not on any medication now. Addiction seems to be her underlying issue. They have stopped all medications now that she's been open and admitted her addiction to adderall. In the beginning it was pain killers and benzo's. And with each she turned to alcohol when the supply was gone. I still have zero trust for her and it makes me believe she is incapable of ever controlling herself. Honestly, I'd love to just quit my job, find an Au pair and move somewhere i can work with my hands from home. Just me, the kids, and our foreign nanny


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## Prodigal

terrycjr said:


> Honestly, I'd love to just quit my job, find an Au pair and move somewhere i can work with my hands from home. Just me, the kids, and our foreign nanny


It would be nice if you could do what you wish you could do. But, realistically, are you formulating a plan for when she gets out?


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## terrycjr

Prodigal said:


> It would be nice if you could do what you wish you could do. But, realistically, are you formulating a plan for when she gets out?


we had conference call with her social worker a few days ago with goals, the next one is supposed to be the "plan". Legally I cant keep her from coming home as far as a I know. The 10 day PFA is expired, I dont think the judge will give me another one is she just completed an inpatient rehab. And theres the moral side of me. She's sick, I pretty much hate her, but she's still someone i love(d) and my kids mother.

Imediate goals are couple counseling, her own theropy, AA, NA and a sponsor. I'd like to take away her car but i dont knopw how realistic that is, I had to leave work twice this week to pick up my daughter from school early, but maybe thats a small con for a better good.


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## Prodigal

Sounds like you are being proactive and doing everything you can in this situation. I wish you the very best. Please keep us updated with how this pans out. I sure hope your wife is serious about working a program.


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