# Looking for honest feedback



## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

I never thought I'd be posting on a site like this but I'm looking for an objective opinion and I think I'm at the end of my rope. My husband and I both just hit our mid 30's. Here's my short novel and I'd appreciate any and all viewpoints. Maybe there is something I can do differently that I'm just not seeing. I'm just at a total loss on what to do.

My husband and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Today. It was probably one of the saddest days of my life. I question if this was truly the "in your face" presentation I needed to decide if I need to leave my husband. It's not something I take lightly and I want to work things out. I'm gathering though that I might be the only one in the relationship who feels that way.

My husband and I have had our share of difficulties, just as with any marriage. Most of our trouble stems from the fact that I am the organized and orderly one while he is a complete slob, of which he completely admits. I knew he was messy when we dated and we knew one another's differences but it has progressed to levels I could not have even imagined. He went from tossing his clothes all over the house to now leaving plates of dirty food spilled on the floor, staining carpet, trash stuffed in closets, even peeing in dirty drinking glasses and sitting them on the floor, leaving them there for days until I clean them up. His car is filthy to the point that none of his coworkers understand how he even drives it. He is not a hoarder and has no problems getting rid of things so that's not the issue. I try to pick my battles and decided a number of years ago to let him have his own room in the house. That way, he could just shut the door and I wouldn't have to see the mess. However, the room never gets cleaned. About once every few months, after endless begging from me for him to clean it himself, I have to go in and pick up the mountains of dirty clothes, all the trash, moldy food, and clean/sanitize the entire room. It's not messy, it's filthy. He puts all the clothes I collected in a box in the garage and there they sit. Then, the entire situation repeats itself a few months later. He dips and vapes which I cannot stand and the smell in that room is just horrible. I have shared with him how I find this behavior bordering on abusive since it greatly affects me as it is completely disregarding of even my slightest request, yet he repeatedly does it. Month after month. Year after year. This has been going on for over 10 years and as I shared, just keeps getting worse and worse. He says he will "try" to be better. But after 10 years, I am really tired of his "try" which equates to nothing. 

I also handle everything from cleaning to bills, animal care to lawn care, buying and selling houses as we move for his career, and changing jobs as we move. I initiate every vacation, plan every trip, etc. He really doesn't have any responsibilities. I work a full time job, as does he in the military. I know I am the more organized one so I don't mind doing a lot of the paperwork but I really would like some help, some time. When he comes home, he plays games on his phone constantly, watches porn, or sleeps. We haven't slept in the same room for months. We haven't had sex in over a year. I ask him about these things but get a very dull response in return saying he has work early the next day so he wants to go to bed early in his room or he just doesn't want to. At this point, I feel like his housekeeper and his roommate. I'm finding him less and less attractive because of his repulsive hygiene. 

I've asked him if he wants to be with someone else, he says no. I've asked him about us going to counseling or therapy, he initially said no and then said yes. I asked him to find a counselor or therapist so he would go, that was months ago. Nothing has come of it. He tells me that he doesn't think he can make me happy and that I deserve better. I've shared with him that it frustrates me he doesn't even want to work on our marriage, he just wants to quit. He says that although he doesn't want to be with anyone else, he thinks he will always make me miserable. I don't know if he's trying to be a martyr for his cause or what but I just cannot grasp how someone would let their relationship, let alone marriage, go down the toilet over not wanting to just occasionally pick up their mess. It is bizarre to me. I'm so heartbroken that his mess is more important than I am. It really is starting to hurt to see other spouses do kind things for their mate like every once in awhile buy them flowers or say they look nice, maybe an, "I love you," or hold a door open for them sometimes. I'm happy for them and wish I could experience that every once in awhile. 

As I shared, today was our anniversary. I could count on one hand the words he spoke to me today. This year, after planning 10 years of anniversaries and buying him the traditional anniversary gift each year, I decided not do do anything and see what he would. Usually, he does not get me a gift so that would not be unexpected. However, today, it was absolutely nothing. He never said, "happy anniversary," or "I love you." Nothing. I don't think we had physical contact at all. He played games on his phone most of the day, slept while I worked outside, and then went to bed. I celebrated my 11th anniversary completely alone and it honestly breaks my heart. So here I sit, in my room alone, typing away on my computer. I'm so lonely in this relationship and I don't know if it's worth saving. I know we both have so much invested and I do love him. I always will. 

I will add that we have elected not to have children so if anything is positive in this situation, it is that children are not involved.

Thank you in advance for any suggestions, feedback, ideas, etc.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You have given us a list of his negative traits.
Try making a list of the positives and if there is none then ask yourself why are you staying with this filthy slob.
Then leave.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You'll bust your arse to clean and keep the house liveable (peeing in glasses? - disgusting!) but you won't expend the energy it takes to leave the situation.

Why would he change when it's clear you're not going anywhere and you'll continue being his maid & mommy?

As you said, it's been 10+ years of the same thing. This is who he is. This is who he was. This is who he will be. This man isn't going to morph overnight.

So, you can be sad in your 12th, 13th, 14th anniversaries that he ignores, too, or you can take the necessary steps to find a happier life.

It sounds like he wanted a maid and parent, not a wife. I also think he sounds mentally ill. A healthy person does not allow filth to accumulate in their living space.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He said that he thinks you deserve better.
He said that he believes he can never make you happy.

Clean up the dirty mess....
One more time....
Totally, from his unwashed stem to your stern warnings!

Divorce him..


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

sherlock43 said:


> I never thought I'd be posting on a site like this but I'm looking for an objective opinion and I think I'm at the end of my rope. My husband and I both just hit our mid 30's. Here's my short novel and I'd appreciate any and all viewpoints. Maybe there is something I can do differently that I'm just not seeing. I'm just at a total loss on what to do.
> 
> My husband and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Today. It was probably one of the saddest days of my life. I question if this was truly the "in your face" presentation I needed to decide if I need to leave my husband. It's not something I take lightly and I want to work things out. I'm gathering though that I might be the only one in the relationship who feels that way.
> 
> ...


Hmm,

Time to move on. Hes right he would never make you happy. This is who he is he and has shown you over the last ten years that this is who he.

Its ok to say this is not what i want the rest of my life. I'm out of here as a matter of fact I think its great to take action .


Please don't waste anymore of your life with someone who dosen't love you or respect you.

I don't know how you lasted this long without leaving.


Good luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs no counselling. He needs a psychiatric evaluation.

His behaviour is not that of a slob It is the behaviour of a very troubled mind.

You have suffered enough.

Leave him.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

You will be SO much happier 18 months from now...if you leave. The disgusting bio-hazardous environment and his lack of love and interest in you will not change. 
Learn from this situation and GO enjoy a happy, fresh & clean, life. 

I sympathize with mental illness. You have gone above and beyond...for 9 anniversaries longer than you should have.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Gtfo


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's really very hard reading the comments suggesting me to leave. It is scary thinking about starting over in my mid 30's but I know it's possible. He is the only person I've been with so there is a lot of him that is part of me. We have had some great times together over the past 15 years, 11 of marriage. I will make the pros and cons list as suggested. I know his behavior isn't normal and so many people with mental health issues have no support. A good support network is critical for dealing with mental illness. My worry is, the military (his career) can be funny about mental illness and I don't want to jeopardize his career. I will approach my husband about us going to therapy again and also try to get him to see a psychiatrist. If not for our marriage, for his own well being. I might just have to provide that support as a friend and not as his wife.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sherlock, let's start at the beginning, was he always a slob, he'd his behavior been like this at the beginning? If not then when did you see his behavior change, this may lead to a better answer on mental illness.


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## goldylox (Oct 15, 2017)

Wow, it sounds like he's depressed, or dealing with something from his past that he doesn't want to face, maybe? He's military... ptsd perhaps? Is he a pot smoker? Chronic pot smoking can make some people lose ambition and desire to do much of anything (but play video games, watch porn, etc). I feel bad for both of you. I'm not in favor of divorce. I believe in 'for better or for worse'... But in light of his possible porn "addiction" and his inability to change his behaviors, I would say you have grounds to leave him. If you want to. If you are unsure, perhaps a separation would be the best next step. Maybe he just needs to grow up? Being without you may help push him to do just that. Good luck.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sherlock, let's start at the beginning, was he always a slob, he'd his behavior been like this at the beginning? If not then when did you see his behavior change, this may lead to a better answer on mental illness.


He has always been messy. He's never really had to account for anything in his life as his mother was a fairly absent parent. We are from opposite sides of the spectrum and that's good for me because I can be too type A. He has helped me relax and enjoy life. Marriage is a partnership and there's give and take on both sides, no one is perfect. The mess I can handle. Some people are messy. At times, I can be messy. It was probably about 3 years into our marriage when I noticed the mess turning to filth. Things like not washing clothes, dip cups knocked over on the floor, staining the carpet, etc. It would get a little better at times. Within the past 4 years, it has gotten really bad. The peeing in cups began this year. He agreed it was filthy. I was simply shocked. I couldn't believe I was picking up our drinking glasses, filled with old urine. I finally threw away his toothbrush he's been using for 5 years. His bathroom is revolting.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

goldylox said:


> Wow, it sounds like he's depressed, or dealing with something from his past that he doesn't want to face, maybe? He's military... ptsd perhaps? Is he a pot smoker? Chronic pot smoking can make some people lose ambition and desire to do much of anything (but play video games, watch porn, etc). I feel bad for both of you. I'm not in favor of divorce. I believe in 'for better or for worse'... But in light of his possible porn "addiction" and his inability to change his behaviors, I would say you have grounds to leave him. If you want to. If you are unsure, perhaps a separation would be the best next step. Maybe he just needs to grow up? Being without you may help push him to do just that. Good luck.


He could be dealing with things from his past. Entirely possible. No PTSD though. He was a pot smoker in high school and some in college. Not now. I agree, I took my wedding vows very seriously and feel the same way, it is for better for worse. I just don't want it to turn into abuse and that's what I'm worried about. I don't want to live with an abusive person. Sometimes the best help is making someone figure it out on their own. But I will say, we have had to live apart due to the military. When he has lived away from me, one time for over a year, he lives in an apartment with no furniture, sleeps on the floor, clothes all over, etc. Leaving him to his own devices only has resulted in him really living out his filthy lifestyle. I worry that if I stay in this relationship and anything should happen to me, I'm in a real mess. Since I handle everything, I worry the bills would go unpaid, the house would fall into ruin, etc. A separation might be what we need. It is really difficult.


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## sammie11 (Oct 13, 2017)

Ah man. It sounds like he is not taking responsibility, and if he cannot look at himself and acknowledge a problem and does not have the maturity to choose to set out to better himself, then you really cannot expect this to change. Maybe counseling would help him do that. 
I mean this to be helpful - it sounds like you are picking up his slack to such a degree that you are enabling him. You might want to consider personal therapy for yourself to help you understand boundaries clearly. You are sort of treating him like a child, and therefore contributing to the problem of him continuing to act like a child. 
Best of luck. I'm so sorry your anniversary was so awful ) : One thing I can tell you for sure....there is happiness ahead for you, some day, whether it be a healed marriage or a new life of independence (and a spotless, beautiful house!!)


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

sammie11 said:


> Ah man. It sounds like he is not taking responsibility, and if he cannot look at himself and acknowledge a problem and does not have the maturity to choose to set out to better himself, then you really cannot expect this to change. Maybe counseling would help him do that.
> I mean this to be helpful - it sounds like you are picking up his slack to such a degree that you are enabling him. You might want to consider personal therapy for yourself to help you understand boundaries clearly. You are sort of treating him like a child, and therefore contributing to the problem of him continuing to act like a child.
> Best of luck. I'm so sorry your anniversary was so awful ) : One thing I can tell you for sure....there is happiness ahead for you, some day, whether it be a healed marriage or a new life of independence (and a spotless, beautiful house!!)


I completely agree. I don't know what to do because I do feel as though I'm enabling his behavior. However, if I don't clean up and do everything, it will never get done and I'll end up living in filth. I've tried going on "strike" and it just meant living in his mess even more so. No amount of begging works to get him to clean up or contribute. I don't know how to quit doing things without hurting myself in the process even more. So frustrating. Do you have any ideas? I think your idea of therapy for myself is a great idea and I hadn't considered it. I don't want to talk to our friends about this because they're his friends too. I also don't want to talk to my parents because it stinks knowing I let my family down by marrying someone who treats me this way. I know my family would support me, they're already disgusted with him, but I have a hard time knowing my parents paid for a beautiful wedding that has turned out this way. I'm on my own to deal with this issue so maybe going through some therapy would help me as well. Appreciate your comments!


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

sherlock43 said:


> I never thought I'd be posting on a site like this but I'm looking for an objective opinion and I think I'm at the end of my rope. My husband and I both just hit our mid 30's. Here's my short novel and I'd appreciate any and all viewpoints. Maybe there is something I can do differently that I'm just not seeing. I'm just at a total loss on what to do.
> 
> My husband and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. Today. It was probably one of the saddest days of my life. I question if this was truly the "in your face" presentation I needed to decide if I need to leave my husband. It's not something I take lightly and I want to work things out. I'm gathering though that I might be the only one in the relationship who feels that way.
> 
> ...


You are practically his "mother". I can understand how difficult it is to ignore the filth, but helping him clean up is not going to help him to learn. Unfortunately you have been the enabler for a long time. He does not need to clean because you will be there to clean up eventually. Something sounds very wrong, peeing in the drinking glasses and stuffing trash in the closet does not sound normal to me. His playing games on the phone/porn/sleep sounds like distraction/avoidance activities to me. What exactly is he running away from? Does he drink? 

To me it makes sense to tell you to leave him, but it is obvious you still want to try if not you won't be asking about it here. My thoughts are instead of divorcing him, go get counseling with him, and if necessary, separation and counseling with him before diving straight into the divorce route.

I understand there is this side of you that love him and hope he will make the initiative to be proactive in your relationship, but honestly it is unrealistic to expect that from him at this point in time. I don't know what is wrong with him, depression? Lost hope in life? Or just plain lazy? As it is he is already underfunctioning in so many ways, it does not make sense to wait for him to schedule the appointment. If he cannot clear moldy food or get up to go pee in the toilet, he is not going to make that appointment any time soon. He is in the military so you can get free counseling provided by the military. I would suggest you make the call. 

I am curious to why he thought nothing he does can make you happy, what are your thoughts to that? It is often hard to swallow that it take two hands to clap, but we do play a part to the problems in our relationships.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

Canon in D said:


> You are practically his "mother". I can understand how difficult it is to ignore the filth, but helping him clean up is not going to help him to learn. Unfortunately you have been the enabler for a long tjme. He does not need to clean because you will be there to clean up eventually. Something sounds very wrong, peeing in the drinking glasses and stuffing trash in the closet does not sound normal to me. His sole focus on playing games on the phone/porn/sleeps sounds like distraction activities to whatever he is avoiding. Does he drink?
> 
> To me it makes sense to tell you to leave him, but it is obvious you still want to try if not you won't be asking about it here. My thoughts are instead of divorcing him, go get counseling with him, and if necessary, separation and counseling with him before diving straight into the divorce route.
> 
> ...



Yes, I do want to make it work. I'm not sure if I need to just walk away. I want to do counseling. When we did very, very brief counseling in the past (about 7 years ago), we sat there and he discussed how horrible he treats me, how he is aware of it. It got us nowhere. However, I am on board with counseling again. This time more sessions, different counselor, etc. Something. I thought he might be more open to it if he selected the counselor, seeing as how he had been refusing counseling together. However I see your point of scheduling it myself. Counseling in the military can get very difficult because your job could be on the line as much as they say it never will be. Mental health, in general, is handled horribly in the civilian sector but in the military, it is even worse. I do not want to ruin his career. There is nothing that says we can't do counseling on our own, out of pocket. I would feel more comfortable with that but will do whatever he will agree to at this point so long as he is showing some kind of interest in working on our marriage.

My problem with stopping my efforts cleaning is that I will then be living in his filth and it is physically destructive to our beautiful home. If I don't clean, it will ruin our carpet, our furniture, our home. I'm left with no choice because he will never clean. I don't know how to stop being an enabler without destroying our property, let alone forcing me to live in filth. Something is very wrong. I've never seen a person live in this kind of squalor and be okay with it ... even choose to lose their marriage over it. Should I kick him out of the house and make him go live elsewhere?

It's hurtful that he would rather live in filth than be with me. That's when I get the comments from him stating he will never make me happy. When I've asked him to explain that a bit more, he shared that he doesn't think he is good for me and that he will always be a filthy slob. He says he knows that he treats me poorly. He says he doesn't know how to change that about himself. He says I deserve better. I asked him if he understands how hurtful that is, how it gives the appearance of him quitting our marriage. He doesn't answer. He doesn't really talk to me much at all, really. He just goes to bed early, in his room, and says it's because he has to be up early for work. Yet tonight, for example, he went out with friends for dinner and a movie. Somehow he's able to stay up late with them. Just not for me. I wonder if he's playing games on his phone while he's with them. Or, if that's just how he is around me. I feel very unimportant to him. When someone tells me they love me, I have to choke down my emotions because that's all I want to feel and hear from my husband.

I know I can be a very type A personality and I like things done now. I don't have a lot of sympathy for lazy people. I'm a very driven person. I'm sure I can be overbearing at times. I can be bossy. I have faults. I try to pull myself back when I feel like I'm turning into an unpleasant person, someone I wouldn't want to be around. I want to work on my flaws and I desperately want to make my partner happy. But I'm beginning to realize that I might be the only one who wants to do things to please their partner. Especially after our anniversary experience yesterday. 

Yes, he does occasionally drink but not often and not much. As I said, he does vape and he does dip. I really can't stand either. He knows. I've asked him to stop but he doesn't. But I'm trying to pick my battles and not complain about every single thing he does.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Sherlock43, your description of your husband is alarming. The level of filth you describe is more typically seen in people with pretty severe mental illness and/or substance abuse issues. I'm particularly surprised to hear that he is military and still this disorganized and dirty. 

Has he gotten negative feedback from others about his disorganization, hygiene, lack of cleanliness, etc? Is it negatively affecting other parts of his life, beyond causing marital strife?

I suspect that your H is right when he says that he will never be able to make you happy, but that is not a statement against you. He seems incapable of being a true partner to you. That is because of an inability or perhaps just lack of effort on his part. 

I really like the Marriage Builder's take on marriage: marriage is a relationship of Extraordinary Care. In a happy and balanced marriage, each spouse provides extraordinary care for the other. Each spouse learn's the other one's top emotional needs and makes sure to meet them; in addition, each spouse identifies and stops the behaviors that drain the other's love for them- things like selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and bad habits. You can read up about it on their website or read "His Needs, Her Needs" and/or "Lovebusters", which are often recommended on this website.

It doesn't seem like your husband is capable of providing care for you, much less Extraordinary Care. I agree that it is a good idea to try to get into marital counseling, or try to work the MB program as described in the books. The author and his wife also run an internet radio program, and you can write to them and speak with them directly for free. I've spoken with them and they were a big help to my marriage.

But whatever you do, it's surely worth letting your H know that you are at your wit's end, and that your marriage might not make it. 

You have invested a lot; at the same time, you're young and child-free. If you stay healthy, you will have many more years to invest and it seems clear that your current relationship, as it is now, will not provide you much happiness. If you don't stay healthy, it doesn't seem like your H will be able to provide much support. Both cases suggest to me that change is needed in some form or another.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Peeing in drinking glass and leaving them laying around is not being a slob; that is a clear indication of some kind of mental disorder.

He needs a thorough assessment by a medical doctor and a psychiatrist.


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## awomanseekinggod (Oct 16, 2017)

Do you believe in Jesus?
If so, pray and don't give up no matter what but if not I believe this is an opportunity to allow Jesus into your heart.
I prayed this prayer when I was confused and felt lost.

pastorrick.com/know-god/how-to-be-saved

I left my husband because I was angry and thought he'd never change but I was wrong. Jesus will fix it just don't stop believing it. It's hard but I know He can transform your situation.

I hope this helps you and gives you peace.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Rather than concentrate on how horribly he is treating you, concentrate on how horribly he is treating himself. The man has no self-respect. Since he doesn't respect himself; of course, he isn't going to respect anyone or anything.

Perhaps an individual counselor for himself would benefit the marriage rather than him sitting in a marriage counselor's office and reciting the litany of complaints which don't embarrass or faze him one bit.

Have a time-limit for yourself for how long you'll continue to tolerate the situation. Because, as you are aware, you aren't getting any younger.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sherlock43 said:


> I don't know how to quit doing things without hurting myself in the process even more. So frustrating. Do you have any ideas?


That is the problem when you are married to a disordered person. The "penalty" falls more on you than the other person. The other person is happy with the way things are. They live their life by their own rules and force you to adjust your own schedules and activities to accommodate them.

People do what they do because there is a "reward" or a "lack of penalty". The freeloader considers work a "penalty" and the magnanimity of others as a "reward". In some cases, they feel "loved" when others support them in spite of their own lack of effort.

When you complain and try to get their participation to meet some of your desires and requirements, they interpret this as criticism and feel as if it is impossible to ever please you. So, their efforts dwindle away to none, because there is no reward for them. Your requirements seem so "high" that they have no chance of "clearing the bar", and attempts that they make will result in embarrassment and shame for them.

You will have to not only establish "boundaries", but you will have to provide a reward-system which allows for small, incremental improvements.

Talking to friends and family about this is definitely not a good idea. Pick your confidants carefully, and those in the professional realm are the best.

There is a "bottom line", and that is, if your husband WANTS to change, it is accomplishable. If he wants to remain as he is, there is nothing you can do except 1) live with it the best you can; or 2) leave.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unless you consciously signed on for this slobbery of his in your wedding vows, it’s time to turn over a new leaf!

You don’t deserve this type of treatment even on your worst days!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This isn't going to get better. You have already wasted entirely too much of your life on this man. He has told you from his own mouth that you can do better and this is who he is. If he loved you, he would at least make an effort, and he isn't. Leave him on his own to wallow in his own filth, and go find yourself a respectable, happy life. You only get ONE.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

It has been some time since my post and in that time, I suffered a major family loss. It has given me a chance to reevaluate things. Every year, my husband gets worse ... more disrespectful, lives further in filth, and takes less and less care of his money, car, body, our home, pets, etc. As I said before, the man literally has no responsibilities. I do it all from cleaning to cooking to bills to animal care. There is not one thing he does that contributes to us. He hardly does anything for himself (trim nails, bathe, etc.). It is quite sad because as a young man, he had a bright future and a lot of support. He has shut himself off from everyone and choses to live as a martyr for his cause, of what exactly that is, I'm still unaware. I can't remember the last time he told me anything even remotely nice or even planned something for us to do (dinner, a movie, anything). He lies incessantly to me about everything, including his smoking and vaping. He won't even be honest with me when I ask if he's heard from his family. Even small things are complete lies. He tried to tell me his vaping device was a memory stick for his computer. That was it. He even laughed at how stupid his comment was. I finally told him to get out. Granted this is the fourth time I've kicked him out of the house, I'm really done. I don't even feel sad about it this time which is what is truly telling me it's time to be done. He refused to leave so I told him I would contact the commander of his squadron if he didn't leave as well as the police to file a restraining order. He is not physically abusive but the mental abuse is simply incredible. I never understood why people stay with an abusive individual but honestly, sometimes change and starting over is simply too scary. I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and ideas on this forum. I know this not professional help but I appreciate having a place to vent as all our friends are mutual and I don't want to put them in that position. I'm optimistic about my future but scared at the same time because I've only ever dated one person, my husband. I'll be taking a good amount of time for myself since I've been focused for over a decade on taking care of my spouse, who never cared enough about himself to care for me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In the military you must be disciplined, and neat, shipshape, organized, or else....

Or else, out.
Out you go.

At home he does not have to do any of these things.
He is rebelling against the military and discipline at your expense.

Do not renew any more of his enlistments.

If he wants to re-up, he can do that at work, not at home.
Discharge him for 'Behavior un-becoming'

Or because of behavior lost past 'becoming a mess'. 

After ten years of marriage he must share his pension with you.

Make sure he gets his twenty year letter as he will need to pay alimony for a while.
Part of his pension for life. 

I suspect he suffers from deep depression. He hates himself, his life, he has given up.
The only stability that he has is from his job...and you.

He needs to keep his job, his military career. You have said that.

I concur.

Without you, he will move back onto base, likely in military quarters. He won't be able to afford much else.
Unless he is an Officer. At ten years he is likely an O-3, or an O-4. 

At ten years enlisted, he is likely an E-6, possibly an E-7.

Let him go. Live your own life. 
..........................................................................

He sounds like he is a Marine. A broken one.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> In the military you must be disciplined, and neat, shipshape, organized, or else....
> 
> Or else, out.
> Out you go.
> ...




He is an officer. I don't think it's appropriate for me to comment on his branch of service as it doesn't change anything and certainly isn't reflective of the men and women in that branch. He likely is very depressed but I cannot get him to go to counseling, together or separately. I do dislike that this really feels like a mental illness and the last thing I want to do is abandon someone who is struggling in that department. However, after over 10 years of trying to get him to help himself, I cannot do it for him and it is damaging my life. I'm okay financially and have always had a better income than he does. I did tell him I will need medical benefits until I am able to transfer to my company's insurance. He agreed. He said he would give me whatever I want. I'm really not interested in anything. I have a retirement and will be just fine without his finances. Thankfully, I was raised by parents who preached heavily to always maintain my independence, even if in a loving marriage. It makes for one less disagreement in a marriage. I've never been so thankful for that advice than right now!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am so glad to read this update from you. I am sorry about your family loss. It did bring about something positive for you though, that it gave you clarity and courage.


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

sherlock43 said:


> I never thought I'd be posting on a site like this but I'm looking for an objective opinion and I think I'm at the end of my rope. My husband and I both just hit our mid 30's. Here's my short novel and I'd appreciate any and all viewpoints. Maybe there is something I can do differently that I'm just not seeing. I'm just at a total loss on what to do.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I wasn’t at your wedding. But I’m sure there was a line that read “ Through sickness and through health “. This is your husband. Be there for him through this. He is sick and need help. Leaving is taking the easy way out. Instead pray, pray for him, and pray for your marriage. Stick by him and see him through it. Nothing wrong with supporting your husband. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jferg0212 said:


> I wasn’t at your wedding. But I’m sure there was a line that read “ Through sickness and through health “. This is your husband. Be there for him through this. He is sick and need help. Leaving is taking the easy way out. Instead pray, pray for him, and pray for your marriage. Stick by him and see him through it. Nothing wrong with supporting your husband.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Praying for him isnt going to do a damn thing... except keep her stuck in his filth and misery. Its been TEN YEARS, she has done more than her part.


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Praying for him isnt going to do a damn thing... except keep her stuck in his filth and misery. Its been TEN YEARS, she has done more than her part.




Yes she has done her part and then some. However they are married and I say fight for it. Fight through prayer. No you won’t see results immediately but as long as you keep your faith he won’t let you down. 


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Praying for him isnt going to do a damn thing... except keep her stuck in his filth and misery. Its been TEN YEARS, she has done more than her part.


... it's actually been 16 years with 11.5 of those years being marriage. 

Yes. Our vows did say for better or worse, sickness and in health. I'm not sure but I feel like it's been "worse" for a long time and my spouse isn't with me. I've been in extremely critical health and my parents flew out to take care of me. I feel amazingly guilty for leaving him but I'm alone in this "marriage" and I'm not entirely sure that it is healthy at this point. Physically or emotionally.

I'm a religious person and I've prayed for him nonstop. My parents pray for him. His aunt (who is the only person in his family still trying to reach out to him) prays for him. I've tried getting him to church. I've tried getting him to meet with the pastor to discuss things. He says he's an atheist and belongs to an atheist group online, with weekly live broadcasts, where they bash Christianity. It's so much anger. He contributes money to this group each month. He is completely busy during that time and has no time for me. The level of dedication to the atheist group is also a pretty tough thing for me to handle. He goes out of his way to make cut down comments about things like Billy Graham's funeral and how on base, they had to lower the flag to half-mast which he vehemently disagreed. He said he went to counseling a year ago but it was always at weird hours of the night, never consistent, and he won't tell me the name which counselor/therapist he saw or where he went. There is a massive amount of counseling available through the military. I've suggested we go together. I've set appointments. Asked him to go alone if he'd rather. Or, if he'd be more comfortable with a nonmilitary affiliated counselor/therapist, then let's do that. Nothing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thank goodness you're finally getting out. When people stop posting on their thread in an unresolved situation that usually means they can't bring themselves to do what needs to be done. That obviously doesn't help them and they end up staying in the same bad situation. I'm glad you decided enough is enough. Move on and don't look back.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sometimes people will not pull themselves up
or seek help until they hit rock bottom. It sounds 
like he has all ways had you there to pick up for
him and take care of him. Maybe he will understand 
and try and improve since he has no where to turn now.
Through 16 years he has no doubt tried to pull you down 
as well. I am glad to hear you are standing up now. I am a very
organized person as well. My wife is all ways late and misplaces
a lot of things. She is nothing like you described however. People 
with different personalities often attract each other. I hope that
you take some time to be by yourself and be happy. I hope that 
he gets counseling because his military service will eventually end
and what will he have then. Please do not feel guilty from reading your
posts you gave it one hell of a try. Please take care of yourself and
in time you will heal emotionally, and physically.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Hoarders, messy, not picking up after onesself all the same it doesn't get better trust me. Geez this is not marriage put your foot down or pack your bags. Maybe leave for a week leave a note for him to read tell him like it is. Don't side step tell him get your act together or we get a divorce.


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## sherlock43 (Sep 24, 2017)

jlcrome said:


> Hoarders, messy, not picking up after onesself all the same it doesn't get better trust me. Geez this is not marriage put your foot down or pack your bags. Maybe leave for a week leave a note for him to read tell him like it is. Don't side step tell him get your act together or we get a divorce.


I've kicked him out of the house many times. I can't leave because we have pets that need to be cared for. I do not trust and know for a fact he will not care for them. When I got out of town and he stays home, I have to have someone come by to check on the pets to ensure they're okay. He even lived for a year on his own in an apartment. Want to talk about a mess?! I visited once and it was worse than a college boy's dorm room. I've written him many letters over the years since I can be a bit better spoken in a letter when I have a chance to think about my words, rewrite it, etc. It's so much better, at least for me, to write something down that I'm frustrated with and revisit it later. Keeps me from saying something in the heat of the moment or argument I really don't mean and can't take back. The behavior doesn't change, you're right ... it doesn't get better. I knew he was messy when we got married and I know you can't change people. My concern is that is has progressively gotten worse and worse each year to the point of what I'd written before in my posts. The last 3 years have been a massive decline into vaping, filth, lies, etc. I'm not packing my bags though, I asked him to leave and he did. This, however, is the first time he's been gone where I'm not sad at all. I feel relieved.


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## Siya. (Feb 24, 2017)

It feels like you are finding excuses to make it work. Just pick up the pets and leave or give pets for adoption to better homes. You have to be fair to yourself. 


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