# Why can't I move on?



## MDT (Jul 10, 2010)

My husband had an emotional affair over a year ago and it is still haunting me on a daily basis. He has apologized, we went to a few sessions of counseling and I forgave him, but I just can't move on and it's tormenting me.

A little background: we have been together 10 years, married almost 9. We have 3 kids. A little over a year ago, I had my 2nd miscarriage in a row. I was reeling from the loss of our son and my husband was not there for me at all. He showed no emotion and was pretty distant. At the same time, he was on the computer all the time and had recently started using FaceBook. He left his messages open one day and I snooped. 

He was back in contact with his HS sweetheart. At first the messages were platonic, then flirty and then there started to be 'confessions'. My husband told this OW that she was his soulmate, his biggest regret in life was not proposing to her and never telling her how he felt (she had a boyfriend, now her husband, by the time he realized his feelings for her), that they 'know what makes each other tick' better than anyone else, etc. Her comments were equally appalling - she thinks of him every day, she wishes things were different, she'll have to settle for friendship *for now*. 

This woman is married w/2 kids and lives several hundred miles away, so I know it didn't become physical, BUT my husband was in contact with her constantly - often while he sat right next to me or while we were doing things with our kids. I started having panic attacks, was depressed - a real mess. I called him out on every thing. He apologized for hurting me, but he also told me that he didn't view me as a 'best friend', I wasn't a good listener and talking to him makes him feel worse. 

I ended up in therapy and he came to several sessions. He says all the right things there: he didn't know how to express his grief, he was just re-connecting with an old friend, he'd completely cut off contact, his job is stressful, we're busy, we need 'date nights', etc. He even deactivated his FaceBook account. The counselor told me: "He really loves you, you need to decide if you're going to forgive him. You're a really great couple with a nice family."

I tried so hard to move forward. I've tried to make him more interested in me and it worked for a while. I got pregnant again. In December, I stumbled upon his newly reactivated FB account - which he'd told me nothing about. 

Around the 1 year anniversary of the EA/our son's loss, I started thinking about all of this again. I truly don't believe they are back in contact any more, but I know (from checking the computer history) that if I'm not around, he goes to her FB page and looks at her photos when I'm working or out at Book Club. I think about her/them every.single.day. I just feel like he settled by being with me and that makes me so sad. I feel robbed of this great romance/marriage that I used to have. Sometimes I actually just want him to be with her because I just want him to be happy and don't feel like I'll ever have what it takes to make that happen for him. 

He is a good guy, but if we're not soulmates or even friends, what are we? Co-parents I guess. There's a big part of me that desperately wants someone to feel for me the way that he feels about her. There's an even bigger part that thinks there must be something seriously wrong with me for not being able to forgive & forget. I obsess over this daily and I know my resentment is driving a wedge between us. I feel like our kids are all we have between us. I don't even care about intimacy anymore (and this is a BIG change for me). Is it possible for me to ever feel good about myself in this relationship or will I just always be the 'runner up' in my own life?


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

Sounds like you guys need to go back to counseling. There are still issues that need to be dealt with - any maybe find a new counselor. And as far as feeling good in a relationship, there is never a thing such as 100% or a perfect relationship. There are really good ones and really bad ones. But you are in control of your life - not your husband or kids. Do things for you. Hang out with girlfriends who can support and encourage you. What kind of physical activities do you like? Get involved in some of those. Go for a spa day  Get a mani/pedi and a new haircut.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You need to find love again. It is not about working through the problems. You can work through the problems once you get the fire back. I am not talking teenage butterflies like your husband was feeling last year. But the intense love that you thought you had with your husband..only better. Don't settle for less with him. You need to rebuild your marriage. Traditional counselling just won't make it happen. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read, read, read. You will learn about the love bank. They and some other very good counsellors can give you personal help if you are ready and need a boost. It won't ruin your budget. It could get your relationship back on track. I am not kidding. This is for real!


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I know the feeling, kind of. My wife had her EA and while I think I tackeled it to the ground and beat it enough that it won't happen again, I feel that had I not caught her she would be happier right, butterflies and all that happy stuff we did have. Now, I'm working on myself and hope that she sees she can come to me for those feelings and put me back in that place in her heart that was so special it was only for me. Right now though that place has a 'under construction' sign. I feel like I'm waiting in line in the dark and when the lights do turn on I may not be at the head of the line. Its a depressing feeling...look through the forums and there will be help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MDT (Jul 10, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> But the intense love that you thought you had with your husband..only better.





> Now, I'm working on myself and hope that she sees she can come to me for those feelings and put me back in that place in her heart that was so special it was only for me.


See, that's part of the problem; I'm really doubting whether that 'intense love' ever truly existed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have always viewed my husband as a 'catch'. And we had a really amazing whirlwind romance. But, now I'm wondering if I ever meant to him what he meant to me or was I just filling the void for his lost love? Before we married, I even asked him if he'd ever proposed or wanted to marry a previous girlfriend and he told me 'no'. BUT, given everything he told the OW, it just seems so clear that she is who he really wanted and he just chickened out on letting her know because she was in another relationship. So, I can't help but wonder if I sort of created this great, loving relationship in my head and all the while, I was just filling someone else's shoes, kwim? 

The crazy thing is, if I'd never read all those messages, I would have NEVER suspected he felt that way about her or had this deep-seated regret in life. There have been no other signs, but now that I know it's out there, it's like a shadow cast over everything. 

I'm so scared to bring this up to him. He thinks it's over. Heck, he thought it was over a month after it happened and was surprised when I brought it up in counseling! And, like I said, I have totally forgiven him for his indiscretions, for the especially poor timing, etc. BUT I can't forgive him for feeling what he feels. I mean this isn't like it's some random woman he met in a chat room or a bar... this is a woman who he's known for 20 years and still feels compelled to tell her all these really deep, emotional confessions - the likes of which he's NEVER said to me.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

It is all the Disloyal Dizziness. He is just like a drug addict. He is trying to get his fix by doing that. It is a fantasy. Don't be fooled. This is all so typical. You need to do some serious reading to gain some perspective. 
Just because you didn't have the intense love doesn't mean you can't have it. His love for this OW is simply fantasy. However you cannot get to this Nirvana while he has not completely stopped contact with OW.


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## MDT (Jul 10, 2010)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> It is all the Disloyal Dizziness. He is just like a drug addict. He is trying to get his fix by doing that. It is a fantasy. Don't be fooled. This is all so typical. You need to do some serious reading to gain some perspective.
> Just because you didn't have the intense love doesn't mean you can't have it. His love for this OW is simply fantasy. However you cannot get to this Nirvana while he has not completely stopped contact with OW.


I have started reading over at Marriage Builders. I found the 'His Needs, Her Needs' book at the library. My husband won't go along with reading any of this stuff, but maybe it'll help me even if I'm going at it alone. 

So, about the contact... he told me (about 2 months ago) that he hasn't been in contact w/the OW since last year. He said she e-mailed him in April after our baby was born to congratulate him, but that he didn't respond. Nevertheless, he's still pouring over her photos on FaceBook 1-3 times/week. Do I need to tell him to 'de-friend' her? I'm going to have to 'out myself' for snooping on the computer history and, let's face it, he can always erase the history or use private browsing if he doesn't want me to know. Not sure how to handle this part...

Plus, there's the small, pathetic part of me that doesn't want to take away someone so special to him. I'm afraid he'd really hate me then and I care too much about him to do that. Ugh, I need a self-esteem check.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Kick him off FB now. I kicked my H off. He agreed and hasn't looked back. No more FB for him. I am not kidding.
I think men nearing 40 on FB = F*CK book. Serious. 
Kick him off FB.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You need to out him. He may paly the I can't trust you card. Don't let him. That is the pot calling the kettle black. My wife tried to paly that card last night because I tried to find out some background on OM. I told her I would not stand for her trying to turn the tables on me. She is the one that has lied, cheated and deceived for months. She is the one that can't trusted. She knew what she was doing was wrong for our relationship. What I did was to try to protect it and save it. There was no response. Be calm and firm. And be quick. Do not get into a conversation about his behavior.


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