# Scheduled intimacy-- does it work?



## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

Hi. I'm new here. I read a lot of old posts last night and its given me a lot of perspective, but unfortunately not form my exact situation.

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 6 months and we have a 2 year old. We've been in counseling for the past 2 months trying to unpack a lot of issues from his family of origin that has been causing stress in our relationship and marriage. We've made wonderful progress and things are back to being on a happy even keel. That said, the only issue left is our sex life and I'm in a position where I know that he gets angry and defensive (yelling, telling me to go have sex with someone else) every time I bring it up (which I try only to do when we've gone a month or more without). I don't want to start undoing our positive momentum with this, but after 2 years of a *hopefully* once a month sex life, I'm just at my wits end. It might also be worth noting, that my husbands ex-wife cheated on him and he comes from a family where his mother cheated on her first 2 husbands, which ultimately uprooted his world each time.

I've tried talking and writing letters. Yelling and speaking calmly. Being straight forward and being vague. I've tried to talk to him repeatedly over the past 2 years and I get a wide range of reasons, that only manifest themselves in this way. He's tired, he's stressed, he's just not interested, things have changed since the baby, etc. However, he stays up late all the time, he get's out frequently with friends or alone (much more than I do, but I encourage him to), he's not interested, but he still masturbates, although not to excess based on what he tells me and I had a c-section, so I'm not sure how that could affected things below.

I have always been HD and I have always been straightforward with him about needing sex not just because I enjoy it, but because it reinforces intimacy, connection and our bond for me. At first his drive matched mine, BUT in retrospect, I always had to initiate it. He at that time, was a year post-divorce and he was very shy and timid. I finally told him that I could no longer constantly be the initiator. It was starting to really make me feel bad, unwanted, undesired, etc. Since then I've noticed just how infrequently he wants to have sex. He's still affectionate in other ways (hugging, kissing, grabbing, etc), but it all stops short of sex. I can't remember a time when my self esteem was this low and I just can't handle it anymore. Without sex, all these other things we do just don't hold the same meaning for me.

I brought up the idea of scheduling time once a week to have sex. At the time it felt like my best possible option, and I asked him to be in charge of it. I'm worried that he just won't do it and I'm scared it could be the straw that breaks the camels back. I'm also scared that if we do start to have sex because it is being scheduled, that my mind will just rationalize things as him being obligated to have sex with me and not that he really wants to. I can't seem to process that far in advance, but I have a bad feeling that it will do more harm that good if I see it that way.

Any thoughts or experience with scheduled sex? I'd really like to know what worked or didn't. I love my husband dearly and even more than that love our family together. I just so desperately need our sex life to change.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Does he have any performance issues? Any history of childhood sexual abuse? Any trust issues between the two of you?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Sorry--forgot to answer the question in your title---Yes, scheduling sex works, but only if both people are on board with it. Scheduling sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex does not work. Trust me on that one. Scheduling it works best in a situation where busy lives are getting in the way of two people who already want to have sex.


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Does he have any performance issues? Any history of childhood sexual abuse? Any trust issues between the two of you?


Not really. Occasionally he will lose his erection in the middle and some times it takes a lot of work on my end to get an erection going, but for the most part I think it's within my view of normal. No sexual abuse and no trust issues as it pertains to this and definitely none that burden him.


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

Fozzy said:


> Sorry--forgot to answer the question in your title---Yes, scheduling sex works, but only if both people are on board with it. Scheduling sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex does not work. Trust me on that one. Scheduling it works best in a situation where busy lives are getting in the way of two people who already want to have sex.


Well this makes me both hopeful and sad. He says that he still wants to have sex, just that there is always some issue as to why we can't. I do know that we are both busy, especially with a toddler, so our time frame is pretty slim. I think I may ask him about this more directly. I already feel bad enough, the last thing I want to do is knowingly put myself in a position to be hurt more.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Newlywed15 said:


> Not really. Occasionally he will lose his erection in the middle and some times it takes a lot of work on my end to get an erection going, but for the most part I think it's within my view of normal. No sexual abuse and no trust issues as it pertains to this and definitely none that burden him.


What age is he and how's his overall physical health? 


Difficulty getting and maintaining an erection may be caused by low testosterone. Low T can cause a guy to lose his motivation to initiate sex, but normally wouldn't cause him to actively avoid it. Performance anxiety on the other hand, coupled with low T can cause a guy to stop initiating and actually avoid sex. This fits with your description of him continuing to masturbate. He has a sex drive, but chooses the low stress option of masturbation over the real thing.


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

He's 36 and is in good health. How would we determine if he has low testosterone? Is that something his doctor could test for?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My second wife tried to schedule. I was the one having issues. It did not work. Fozzy may be correct in saying I didn't want to have sex with her. I had the nagging belief she was actively cheating and have an aversion to being with a woman who has or might have just come home from having sex with someone else to let me have "sloppy seconds". yuk.

I am not accusing you of anything. I was just explaining my position. 

I also know that scheduling put all kinds of pressure on me to perform and I could not. I needed to feel important to her, more important than anyone else when it came to sex. I didn't feel that and she just seemed to want to get off. Didn't seem to care who it was with, just doing it. 

She likely cared at least some. I'm just telling you how I felt. I'm trying to give some perspective, like a WS would give to a thread on infidelity. 

Yes, I wanted sex with her and did have thoughts of doing more than just vanilla sex, but I could not even talk much about that, since I didn't feel like I could trust her. She proved me correct in not trusting her, by amping up the aggressive behavior and trying to do things without talking first.

Maybe it wasn't her fault for feeling hornier, but her actions showed my participation wasn't very important. I don't mean my physical participation, but my thoughts and emotions. 

No, at more than forty, I wasn't the sexually aggressive young man I'd once been. Too much life behind and little ahead. Too many mistakes to just jump in with both feet on any situation. So, yeah, some of it was my fault.

That's why I tend to talk about communication being key. I hope my thoughts help you, somehow.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Newlywed15 said:


> He's 36 and is in good health. How would we determine if he has low testosterone? Is that something his doctor could test for?


Yeah, it's a simple blood test. His doctor can hook him up with it. It's often treated with a patch or a gel. Also, weightlifting really ramps up testosterone naturally, so you may want to encourage him to start lifting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If he has ED, he might benefit from this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/289730-veggie-diet.html


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Low testosterone is possible at any age, but it would seem much less likely at his age. I believe there is something else going on. It might be something totally different from what my issues were and likely is at least somewhat different. The test, if your doctor will order it, is a decent place to start. That and an extensive physical looking at heart, blood pressure, past illnesses, and cholesterol. 

I think it all starts with communication. My second wife had me do the extensive physical tests, not long before she left. I think she wanted to be sure she was doing the right thing. She didn't find what she wanted or did, and felt justified in leaving. I don't know what that was she found, though. She never even talked with me about any of it. I just put two and two together and came up with three. 

There could be any number of things wrong. You'll have to get him to work on them one at a time till you both are satisfied with your conclusions, whether that be compromise or solutions.

Edit: Forgot to add that any medicine he is taking should be looked at as well. 

Diet and exercise will help him. Getting his confidence and self-esteem back will help too, if those are lacking.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I do find that scheduling a block of time for "possible sex" to be very helpful. During this time you can expect to get naked and hold each other, rub each other's back, and share some basic intimacy. But it is NOT OK to expect mind blowing sex during this time as one partner may have performance anxiety or be under too much stress from other things. 

What is REALLY BAD about scheduled sex is if the higher desire partner begins to look forwards to it too much and expect sex. THEN when it does not happen, you find yourself in the middle of an all out nuclear temper tantrum of a melt down that will cause even MORE damage to your sex life for the Lower Desire spouse. 

I've been through this and made drastic improvements. Scheduling CAN help, but it can also create other problems when there is too much expectations from one partner. 

Badsanta


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> My second wife tried to schedule. I was the one having issues. It did not work. Fozzy may be correct in saying I didn't want to have sex with her. I had the nagging belief she was actively cheating and have an aversion to being with a woman who has or might have just come home from having sex with someone else to let me have "sloppy seconds". yuk.
> 
> I am not accusing you of anything. I was just explaining my position.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your perspective. I'm not sure a WS is though. Also, I'll say that my husband does need to doted on, I guess is an accurate description. I had been trying to keep that up even as our sex life was dwindling, but at this point, I feel like I can't keep emptying myself into him when I get nothing in return. Then I'll just be left completely empty, you know?

For whatever it's worth, I'm currently a stay-at-home mom so while I guess it's possible for him to wonder if I'm cheating on him while he's at work, he never says anything about it until I actually bring up the lack of sex. During arguments I have made comments, that don't help the situation, but I just get so frustrated, I don't know how else to convey the severity of the problem. I always apologize afterwards.


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I do find that scheduling a block of time for "possible sex" to be very helpful. During this time you can expect to get naked and hold each other, rub each other's back, and share some basic intimacy. But it is NOT OK to expect mind blowing sex during this time as one partner may have performance anxiety or be under too much stress from other things.
> 
> What is REALLY BAD about scheduled sex is if the higher desire partner begins to look forwards to it too much and expect sex. THEN when it does not happen, you find yourself in the middle of an all out nuclear temper tantrum of a melt down that will cause even MORE damage to your sex life for the Lower Desire spouse.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing this. I'll have to remind myself to be mindful of not pushing undue pressure on him if we go through with this. However, given what everyone has been saying, I think that I may just be barking up the wrong tree. Maybe he is just LD and this is all it will be. I'll definitely have him check with his doctor, but we have kind of discussed that before and he never went.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I know of some cases where it does work, so long as the LD spouse is willing to participate even if he/she doesn't feel like it.

Of course this may be harder (no pun intended) for men to do than for women to do, for what should be obvious reasons, but I would imagine it would still be possible if the man is cooperative.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Newlywed15 said:


> Thanks for sharing this. I'll have to remind myself to be mindful of not pushing undue pressure on him if we go through with this. However, given what everyone has been saying, I think that I may just be barking up the wrong tree. Maybe he is just LD and this is all it will be. I'll definitely have him check with his doctor, *but we have kind of discussed that before and he never went.*


Not going unfortunately sends the signal that he doesn't CARE enough to make the effort.

That's the sad part.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Newlywed15 said:


> Thank you for sharing your perspective.* I'm not sure a WS is though.* Also, I'll say that my husband does need to doted on, I guess is an accurate description. I had been trying to keep that up even as our sex life was dwindling, but at this point, I feel like I can't keep emptying myself into him when I get nothing in return. Then I'll just be left completely empty, you know?


Not sure I understand the bold. Just to take a guess, I'm not a WS. I'm a BS and part of the reason was because I was having the issues at least similar to your husband. It's why I figured posting was like a WS posting in an infidelity thread to help those BS' understand from the "bad guy's, the evil one's" perspective, to coin a phrase.

When you are horny and not getting what you want, it's easy to see it as doting. Especially when he is not pursuing. If he was aggressively seeking sex with you, you'd be doting and he'd be telling you to get away. 

The roles have reversed a little. You don't have to dote. Just respect him, like you did before. 

But, these are guesses without you ever having been to a doctor, so I'm not sure what the point is of me even discussing them in detail with you, except maybe to help you solidify your thoughts into something you can present to him in discussion.

Though, if you come away with the wrong ideas and impressions, you can destroy what is left very quickly.

Please be careful. I will try my best not to anger or frustrate you.

And, you are certainly justified in your feelings. You have been abandoned. You have been left alone with a pet to feed and care for. In a sense, you have. You need sex and should be getting it. I mean, you are married and doing your part. 

He is not or can't. You'll have to wait to find out. 

Yes, I understand giving and not receiving. I just understand it in a different sense. I understand it in giving vulnerability and being provided with none in return and no respect. I understand it in doing things and receiving gifts, but no real intimacy in return. 

When you are empty, you will leave if you do not find affection somewhere else first. I understand and as much as I deeply hate infidelity, I do get that. I also get that divorcing is better than infidelity. And, he has not loved you in the way you need to be loved. 

So, I'm still thinking you have to talk to know each other. You have to do things together to get to the point where you are comfortable enough to be open. Just like dating. 

This is where others would know how to proceed to bring out the best in both of you together. 

And I know, you need it now. You feel like you don't have time to wait. I hope I haven't made that sound facetious. It is what I read in your post. And, yes, you are important. Just as important as him. 



> For whatever it's worth, I'm currently a stay-at-home mom so while I guess it's possible for him to wonder if I'm cheating on him while he's at work, he never says anything about it *until I actually bring up the lack of sex.* During arguments I have made comments, that don't help the situation, but I just get so frustrated, I don't know how else to convey the severity of the problem. I always apologize afterwards.


To me, that reads like you are making him think you might be cheating. He probably isn't checking on you. He probably just figures that it isn't a big problem, or you'd talk about it, a lot. But, he's listening and it's building up the issues when you talk like that. 

Just be honest. Just tell him like you would someone you love. Odd that I typed that. Have to think about that. Sorry, but I'm leaving it so you can see how I automatically went there. I didn't mean to. I was just being open with my thoughts. I'm not saying I'm right about what you think. I'm saying that's the conclusion I came to naturally. I don't feel angry or bitter. Insecure or just very wary? I don't know. It is what it is. Good that it came out here. I think.

If he told you he'd do something and didn't, would you ask about it? How often? Would you somehow let him know it needed done without starting an argument? Would you tell him on a regular basis until he gets it? 

This issue is more important than even that. 

Your way of speaking with him may be contributing to his lack of interest more than you realize.

SAHM has little to do with it unless you've brought that thought up in an argument. I loved my first wife staying at home with the kids. I would have worked twenty-four hours a day if I could to keep her raising my babies. I don't think I'm too different from anyone who enjoys a stay at home mom. 



*This is a call for those who are great at communicating to come to this thread and help her. She is a really nice woman who just needs help before she gets into serious trouble. 

Please come and help her. Would you?*


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Is your husband christian?

Here is 1 Corinthians 7

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

The do not deprive each other part IS important!


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Is your husband christian?
> 
> Here is 1 Corinthians 7
> 
> ...


No, neither of us are very religious. I do with that I could find something to speak to him though. I guess deep down I want to believe that there is just some barrier that he isn't being forthcoming about and that if I could just somehow figure it out or speak to it, it would fix things. However, as he is with most things, he would rather clam up and not talk about it instead. I know that I can only do so much if he won't meet me halfway, but I just feel like this issue only affects me so he has no real motive to fix it.


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Not sure I understand the bold. Just to take a guess, I'm not a WS. I'm a BS and part of the reason was because I was having the issues at least similar to your husband. It's why I figured posting was like a WS posting in an infidelity thread to help those BS' understand from the "bad guy's, the evil one's" perspective, to coin a phrase.
> 
> When you are horny and not getting what you want, it's easy to see it as doting. Especially when he is not pursuing. If he was aggressively seeking sex with you, you'd be doting and he'd be telling you to get away.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I just realized what WS meant. I always make typos at the most inopportune times.

It's funny that you mention receiving gifts instead of intimacy because this is something he has started doing a lot lately. At first, sure it was nice, but probably the last year or so I keep telling him that I'd rather do without the gifts and feel more connected. He has a lot of issues to unpack around his upbringing, but one part of that is that feelings and talking were not given priority. Even when his family is happy and talking, they are shouting. So I try to be mindful that talking and clear communication isn't one of his best strengths, but he is so great at in other area's it is frustrating that he doesn't bring that home to our relationship.

It is possible that how I speak to him, over the span of time that has been occurring, has made things worse. I have been trying to correct that the last few months. I like things to be handled in the immediate, but that meant we were arguing about this every time I felt horny and we wouldn't have said. So I said, ok, if we hit a month or more then you can bring it up. So I've been doing that consistently for a few months now. I no longer use accusatory language or tones, but just straight forward and as concisely as I can tell him that we haven't had sex in X amount of weeks and that I'm upset by that. I normally get met with a an excuse, or a list of excuse (the same as they always are) and then when I mention that it's the same excuses, and what can we do this month to fix them. Then I'm met with anger. "Go have sex with someone else then", "I don't need sex that often, just deal with it", "I was like this with my ex-wife, it just happens, get over it" or "Fine, lets go have sex if that's what you want". Then I'm left feeling any range of emotions from rejected to devastated all over again. Only to be repeated in a months time. 

Not sure if there was a real point in that last part. I just don't know what to do. My head is an absolute mess.

I'd love to try more open, honest communication to really get the problem. He always says, "I don't know why, I don't know what to tell you." However, he won't ever take time to think on it further. It's like he uses that as a way to just terminate the conversation. I can't force him to open up and even if I ask him, which I have, what would make you feel more comfortable to talk about this, I get the same, "I don't know" response.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You can't fix him. Thinking you can only makes you more frustrated. All you can do is to talk and see if he gets it. Then, maybe suggest a counselor or something, but you can't fix him. 

This is his issue and it's hurting you and your marriage. That stinks. 

Why he doesn't see it is likely because he is not in a frame of mind where he feels like a man any more. But, I don't know for certain. It could be the testosterone or something else.


Have there been any major changes in you or him, physically?

Has he not reached a goal of his that was very important?

Has he become diabetic?

So many questions and you can't know until you get started with a doctor and then maybe a counselor. It depends on how much you want this marriage to work. 

Then, when all else fails, you can hold your head high as you leave and find a man who is more compatible. See what I am saying? There is a time to give up. It just won't feel like giving up. It will be the right decision.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you need to start thinking of your self and not some much for your husband. I did what you are doing for him but for my wife. High verses no sex drive, and yes I know exactly what you mean by a means of bonding with each other. My wife and I have been together for 27 yrs now the the love, passion and need of her is gone because she treated me like your husband is treating you, shows all signs of love but no interest in making love. So while your are still young you need to know if it is worth giving up what you need from your marriage to save it. Good luck and take care of yourself and child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Newlywed15 said:


> Sorry, I just realized what WS meant. I always make typos at the most inopportune times.
> 
> It's funny that you mention receiving gifts instead of intimacy because this is something he has started doing a lot lately. At first, sure it was nice, but probably the last year or so I keep telling him that I'd rather do without the gifts and feel more connected. He has a lot of issues to unpack around his upbringing, but one part of that is that feelings and talking were not given priority. Even when his family is happy and talking, they are shouting. So I try to be mindful that talking and clear communication isn't one of his best strengths, but he is so great at in other area's it is frustrating that he doesn't bring that home to our relationship.
> 
> ...



Holy crap, I could have written his responses at one time. I don't know if I ever said them. I don't remember.r I hope not.

He has the classic signs of depression and may have been abused as a child. He needs counseling right away.

Here are a couple of sites that talk about communication. 

https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

This site is more for those who deeply hurt their spouse with their words. It's worth a look. It's definitely about communicating better. I don't think you have to be verbally abusive to get something out of it.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication | Center for Nonviolent Communication


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'd say you need to find some things to do that will bring you relief. Treating yourself to a spa experience once in a while, joining a gym or some other physical activities would help with the stress. 

You may even need a little counseling, if this continues past your limits. You'll probably need some MC.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

We only have scheduled sex because hubby needs a pill to get going. It works if two people want to have sex. It wouldn't hurt to have him get his t counted checked. Because he says he's just not interested, things have changed since the baby it almost sounds like his attraction for you changed when you had your baby. Did you change a lot physically like gain a lot of weight? 

I understand how frustrated you are, it really does a number on your self esteem. My husband is LL and only wants sex once a month or so but is very affectionate so we do a lot of kissing, hugging and cuddling which is a great way to bond. Yelling is not going to help the situation. You may just have to accept his LL if you want to stay married to him.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

There are a couple of women I can think of right now, being socalled LL that I'd dearly love to have a shot at, but two are married and one is out of my league. Maybe all are out of my league? 

Anyway, that attraction is there and felt in real time when I'm near them. Never felt that as strongly with second wife, though I deeply loved her and wanted her. I was attracted to second wife. It wasn't that, but I didn't have that overwhelming desire that I've had just standing around and talking with others. Those are very few.

I think that's chemical because I have no clue when it will happen. I do have the ability to decide to stay away or limit my contact with them. I do that. 

I'm not saying that's his issue, either. None of us can read his mind. We can only make guesses based on our own experiences.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Newlywed15 said:


> No, neither of us are very religious. I do with that I could find something to speak to him though. I guess deep down I want to believe that there is just some barrier that he isn't being forthcoming about and that if I could just somehow figure it out or speak to it, it would fix things. However, as he is with most things, he would rather clam up and not talk about it instead. I know that I can only do so much if he won't meet me halfway, but I just feel like this issue only affects me so he has no real motive to fix it.


I think this is at the crux of the situation, that there is an internal struggle of sorts going on, whether from his childhood, whether about where he is currently in his life...something that is preventing his desire to have intimacy. I'd say that scheduling sex won't 'fix' a different issue going on. I liken it to scheduling work outs at the gym, but if the person leaves the gym and then has pizza, beer, and a terrible diet the rest of the time...going to the gym will just be going through the motions. The idea you have might be that if you schedule some intimacy, he will gradually see the value of it, and come out of the fog he seems to be in, and that may happen, but I think just the little you shared, seems to suggest that there is a deeper problem that needs to be repaired. I hope things get better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Newlywed15 said:


> Thanks for sharing this. I'll have to remind myself to be mindful of not pushing undue pressure on him if we go through with this. However, given what everyone has been saying, I think that I may just be barking up the wrong tree. Maybe he is just LD and this is all it will be. I'll definitely have him check with his doctor, but we have kind of discussed that before and he never went.


If your husband accused YOU of being broken, that your hormones were overactive, and insisted you go to the doctor to have your hormones reversed so that you would BACK OFF, ...how would that make you feel?

In many cases the spouse with the higher desire will accuse the lower desire spouse of being broken, this is EXTREMELY counter productive. Odds are the lower desire spouse is having issues with self confidence and feeling like an inadequate lover for you.

If you do want things to change:

Work on building his self confidence in various ways he can make you feel pleasure. DO NOT force him to enjoy himself, simply allow him to respond on his own terms. Also attribute your arousal to him and allow him to take it as a compliment as opposed to a threat that you libido is arbitrary and completely unrelated to him (a common problem). DO NOT try and force him to orgasm OR let himself force himself to orgasm for you. If anything tease him and ask him NOT to orgasm to see how long he can extend his pleasure (this will make him orgasm!). 

Most importantly, be confident! Just because your husband is reluctant to be intimate with you down not mean something is wrong with you. Odds are your self confidence is low as well and you may be trying to force intimacy as a way to test the quality of your relationship. 

You also do not need to make your husband feel responsible for your happiness. You need to find happiness within and share that with him. If you are sexually aroused, you simply need to share that with him as opposed to trying to force him to share you same desire and want your same wants.

I want him to want me! = NO STOP THAT.
I want him to know he is loved! = YES MORE OF THAT

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I advise others to schedule mandatory sex/date nights when intimacy starts to fade away. The science of sex is that during sex a hormone named Oxytocin is released. It is called the cuddle hormone because it emotionally bonds the couple together. The more you are exposed to this hormone, the more intimate and bonded you become. That in turn makes you want to have more sex. It is why sex often leads to love. 

If you do not have a lot of sex, you are not exposed that much to this hormone and therefore the less sex you have, the less you want. I have successfully used scheduled sex nights in my 45 year marriage and it worked very well every time. We used to have excuses like stress, being tired and just the normal stuff of a marriage that wears you down after awhile. We started with two scheduled nights. You had to be there no matter how tired or not in the mood you were. If you loved me, you show up kind of deal. No sex was necessary nor was it necessary to get naked. You just had to be there and lay next to me for at least a half an hour. The first few times we just talked. I found out about some things my wife liked and disliked during sex. She learned the same about me. Then we started to kiss and that lead to fondling and within a few weeks we were both back in the saddle again. We now make sure we have sex at least once a week, either Saturday or Sunday, my wife's choice. We can have sex more often if we want to but the minimum is once a week to keep that Oxytocin flowing. We are once again very intimate and emotionally bonded. My wife dresses sexy for me and I always tell her that I love and desire her, every day. She is says that she is having the best orgasms of her life and we both look forward to sex.

Try it. It works.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

As others have said, it works if both partners are on board. What I was told when I asked this question some time ago, and what my experience since has borne out, is that the HD partner (me, in the case of my relationship) will become even more frustrated and resentful when the LD partner agrees to a schedule and then blows it off because they don't think it's a big deal.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Joey2k said:


> As others have said, it works if both partners are on board. What I was told when I asked this question some time ago, and what my experience since has borne out, is that the HD partner (me, in the case of my relationship) will become even more frustrated and resentful when the LD partner blows it off because they don't think it's a big deal.


Can we reschedule for tomorrow? - Yes

Ummm, I am way to busy honey, perhaps this weekend? - OK

You know, I am just really not in the mood OK? - Thermo-nuclear-meltdown!!!!!!

••••••••••••••••

Can we reschedule for tomorrow? - NO! Sex is not important, but spending some time together is very important. AND I demand we spend naked time together and just talk. (Then sex naturally happens about 90% of the time in this situation!)


••••••••••••••••

Sometimes it is helpful to set boundaries in a relationship when something is important, because this also helps the other person feel loved as well.

Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think scheduling doesn't help. The schedule gets broken, and gradually ignored. (as has happened with my wife and I, where our Sunday / Wednesday plan fell apart after a couple of months, and not sex is once again vanishing )

I'm convinced that there is no "fix" for a LD / HD relationship. 
Leave
Cheat
live like a monk / nun


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## Newlywed15 (Mar 6, 2016)

So here is an update.

I took everything everyone discussed here and tried to have another conversation with my husband. I simply told him that the lack of sex needs to be addressed, I will help and support him in any way that I can, but I need to know what he thinks. His response was that he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wants to cuddle, hold hands and kiss, but he doesn't want to have sex anymore and that I should just accept it and that he also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else as a result. I told him that perhaps he could have a physical done to see if the doctor could provide any answers and that I had learned about what low testosterone could do and that it could be helped. He shrugged and told me to set up an appointment, but if he take any injections or take pills every day that he didn't want to do that. 

After he said that I just started to cry-- more like sobbed actually. I don't know if he has low T and I don't even know what if anything the dr would prescribe, but the fact that he has shut down that possibility already has left me with a new level of rejection, devastation and hurt. I really appreciate everything that everyone has shared here with me the past few days, but I think he has made it clear that I need to leave. I don't want to cheat, although I would have time and opportunity to do so and I doubt he'd ever know. This is not what I had planned for my marriage or any marriage actually.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

That does suck. Rejection sucks. It hurts like hell. Here's what I read.




Newlywed15 said:


> So here is an update.
> 
> I took everything everyone discussed here and tried to have another conversation with my husband. I simply told him that the lack of sex needs to be addressed, I will help and support him in any way that I can, but I need to know what he thinks.


I think that's a good start. It's strong, sincere and to the point.




> His response was that he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wants to cuddle, hold hands and kiss, but he doesn't want to have sex anymore


And his reason is? You will have to address this. You have a right to know, in my opinion. You've given yourself to him. It is his turn to man up and give you his reasons, take responsibility for them and decide what he wants to do. 

This is not going to be swept under the rug by you. He can, if he wants to throw away your love. 

As @badsanta intimated, "Okay, I'd love to cuddle and kiss...naked." 

His response is obviously one that proves he has a problem and he doesn't want to discuss it. He will have to at some point, if he wants your love. 

I still think he has some serious fears and depression. Not your fault or responsibility, but he has to understand the consequences of inaction and a serious timeline needs set for each step he must take to be started. 

Write it down with him. Actually, I'd think he should be doing the writing and basically making a sort of contract. This is serious. 



> and that I should just accept it and that he also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else as a result.


Ah, yeah. "So, who would you like to see, Dr. Smith or Dr. Jones? When can you see him? I'll schedule the appointment and pick you up from work, or we can go together after work. Which do you prefer?" 



> I told him that perhaps he could have a physical done to see if the doctor could provide any answers and that I had learned about low testosterone could do and that it could be helped. He shrugged and told me to set up an appointment, but if he take any injections or take pills every day that he didn't want to do that.


You don't yet know what the issue is. I'm still leaning toward depression, anxiety and maybe other things. There are lots of things that can be going on, including something totally unrelated.

Did anything change since you've been married. Significant increases in weight, significant loss in weight, loss of jobs, loss of an important dream or goal even if really a fantasy, loss of a parent or sibling, a new friend in your life, a neighbor or relative you've found to be a close confidante, etcetera?



> After he said that I just started to cry-- more like sobbed actually. I don't know if he has low T and I don't even know what if anything the dr would prescribe, but the fact that he has shut down that possibility already has left me with a new level of rejection, devastation and hurt.


I guess you would be hurt. It's impossible not to be unless you can see it from a different perspective, and that's tough to do when you are in it. Sorry you had to hear that.



> I really appreciate everything that everyone has shared here with me the past few days, but I think he has made it clear that I need to leave. I don't want to cheat, although I would have time and opportunity to do so and I doubt he'd ever know. This is not what I had planned for my marriage or any marriage actually.


I don't imagine it is. I think you have some questions to answer. I thought I asked these, or maybe someone else asked them in a previous post? Maybe not. 

Hope you can find that perspective. Cheating will change you into something you don't want to be. If you decide to give up, just tell him straight and give him the papers. Make sure you have a place to live and be safe. 

Good luck, whatever you decide. My thoughts are that you came here looking for support to leave. You would have it, if that's what you want. Most here have stayed for reasons other than their own sexual health, when they have. I don't say they are right or wrong. It's an individual decision. 

You have to make your own.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Better that you found this out now then later. Sorry about the pain you are going thru. Try and stay strong for yourself and child. If you do leave, please give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Op, my husband had to begin Testosterone therapy a couple years ago. My husband was reluctant to go to the doctor as well; however, since he has been on therapy, it's amazing how much better he feels. Hopefully, that will be the same for your husband. Also, my husband started out with a testosterone cream that he just rubbed on his body. He now gets injections. Perhaps if you can get your husband to the doctor, the doctor will start him out on the cream and then when your husband sees how much better he feels, he will continue with whatever therapy his doctor recommends (assuming he does have low-t, of course). Best of luck to you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Newlywed15 said:


> I simply told him that the lack of sex needs to be addressed, I will help and support him in any way that I can, but I need to know what he thinks. His response was that he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wants to cuddle, hold hands and kiss, but he doesn't want to have sex anymore and that I should just accept it and that he also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else as a result.


Sounds like he perhaps has a fear of long term commitment and may be trying to sabotage the relationship as a way to escape from his fear. These are things he is using to mask the pain he is inflicting upon you:

• Telling you that you are attractive
• He likes to cuddle
• Hold hands and kiss

...and by doing so, he can make you think that YOU are the one that decided to end the relationship. 

...start having a conversation with him that it is perfectly OK for the two of you to go separate ways, and see how he reacts? Tell him marriage is not for everyone, and if he is not willing to do what it takes to make things work that it is OK with you if he wants out of the relationship. THEN one of two things will happen:

He will agree.

He will suddenly become passionate.

If he agrees, he just wants out of the relationship. If he suddenly becomes passionate he has fear of abandonment issues and is testing how far he can push you to make sure that you will always stay with him.

One of those two things! Not low T.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He needs some psych help. Maybe some meds. He does need to see his doctor to make sure.

I like how @badsanta tells you to say those things matter of factly and with showing inner strength and confidence. It's what I was trying to say to you in previous posts. You have to get a grip to get your point across that you are really serious. And, I know it's really tough to do. 

Still your choice what to do.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Don't let it go on for a long time, the resentment & rejection just grows inside.

Sad that he doesn't appreciate what he has.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Newlywed15
That is really miserable. A good sex life is absolutely vital to a happy marriage for most people. Hugs and kisses are not the same thing. 

Since I'm in a similar situation I've been following discussions for many years. It rarely gets better. You will never get used to a lack of sex, and will always resent him for taking away an important part of your life. He will always feel pressured and inadequate. 

Maybe the T therapy will help - but I think this is generally more than just chemical. He has to want to want more sex and he doesn't.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Newlywed15 said:


> So here is an update.
> 
> I took everything everyone discussed here and tried to have another conversation with my husband. I simply told him that the lack of sex needs to be addressed, I will help and support him in any way that I can, but I need to know what he thinks. His response was that he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wants to cuddle, hold hands and kiss, but *he doesn't want to have sex anymore and that I should just accept it and that he also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else* as a result. I told him that perhaps he could have a physical done to see if the doctor could provide any answers and that I had learned about what low testosterone could do and that it could be helped. He shrugged and told me to set up an appointment, but if he take any injections or take pills every day that he didn't want to do that.
> 
> After he said that I just started to cry-- more like sobbed actually. I don't know if he has low T and I don't even know what if anything the dr would prescribe, but the fact that he has shut down that possibility already has left me with a new level of rejection, devastation and hurt. I really appreciate everything that everyone has shared here with me the past few days, but I think he has made it clear that I need to leave. I don't want to cheat, although I would have time and opportunity to do so and I doubt he'd ever know. This is not what I had planned for my marriage or any marriage actually.


This is the crux of the problem, and it's completely unacceptable. One spouse doesn't get to arbitrarily decide that one of the underpinnings of a marriage no longer matters. And if it doesn't matter to him, he doesn't get to tell you that it should no longer matter to you.

This, coupled with refusal to work with you and get help is selfish, cruel and borderline abusive. It demonstrates that you are a lower priority in his life than his own comfort.

I'm ALL about salvaging marriages when the LD spouse is at least agreeable to compromise or looking for answers. But when it's a complete shut-down situation like this---I'd get out. I'm so sorry.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do you really believe he means that, Fozzy? I don't. Not unless there are some things she isn't telling us. It generally doesn't just happen. It takes time to get to this, even when it's testosterone. 

I guess you, @Newlywed15, married a guy who had sex once with you and he was so great in other ways, you just fell for him? I don't believe it. 

You haven't answered some questions I've posted. I hope this isn't a justification thread. I hate those. I don't want to be a part of those decisions. I'm against infidelity.

Of course, you have a right to expect you will be loved in a way you desire. Sex is crucial to intimacy and connection. It's crucial to building a lifelong bond and sustaining it. 

Divorce is absolutely an option. There is at least one child involved. Divorce is never easy or simple. With even one child, there will be a lifelong connection to him. 

I'm not trying to change your mind about divorce. I think you just need to remember some things. Give up when you are ready and can live with your decision.

You deserve better treatment than this, whether it is from your husband or some other man. Don't have an affair. Be faithful to your vows and your self-respect when you find he is not worthy of your respect.

Yes, I care. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

You said you were in therapy together. What does the therapist say about his declaration of no more sex?

Before your latest post, I was just going to say he's low drive. That's just how he is. But to make a bold statement of no more sex, ever, is a bit extreme.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Dr. Obvious here... Did the guy mention WHY he thinks this way? I mean, he gave a very simplistic "this is it" State of the Union address but no explanation.

Fear of commitment is likely... Does he have lots of single friends siren-singing the panacea of single-hood?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Newlywed15 said:


> So here is an update.
> 
> I took everything everyone discussed here and tried to have another conversation with my husband. I simply told him that the lack of sex needs to be addressed, I will help and support him in any way that I can, but I need to know what he thinks. His response was that he loves me, he finds me attractive, he wants to cuddle, hold hands and kiss, but he doesn't want to have sex anymore and that I should just accept it and that he also doesn't want me to have sex with anyone else as a result. I told him that perhaps he could have a physical done to see if the doctor could provide any answers and that I had learned about what low testosterone could do and that it could be helped. He shrugged and told me to set up an appointment, but if he take any injections or take pills every day that he didn't want to do that.
> 
> After he said that I just started to cry-- more like sobbed actually. I don't know if he has low T and I don't even know what if anything the dr would prescribe, but the fact that he has shut down that possibility already has left me with a new level of rejection, devastation and hurt. I really appreciate everything that everyone has shared here with me the past few days, but I think he has made it clear that I need to leave. I don't want to cheat, although I would have time and opportunity to do so and I doubt he'd ever know. This is not what I had planned for my marriage or any marriage actually.


Very sorry and I'm angry for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Here is my advice. Don't use the phrase "scheduled sex" because that is a real boner killer for both genders. But aside from that label, the basic idea has been VERY effective in my marriage, on many practical levels.

Have you ever talked with your H about what is a reasonable goal for sexual frequency? This is VERY important, I'd call it foundational to making a sexually mismatched marriage work. You each need to give some careful thought to what is a "range" you could be happy with, then discuss it and come to a mutual understanding of a specific target frequency. In my case, we agreed to 2X per week, a compromise for us both.

Now have some discussion about what are the best days/times where your H would enjoy sex the most? As the HD, I assume you can be more flexible on this aspect, and it would serve you well to know his specific preferences. Mornings? Late nights? Weekends? Listen carefully to when he could most enjoy sex.

At this point there are 2 ways to go: 1) go ahead and actually make a regular "schedule" or 2) tell him YOU will initiate, always within the above parameters, and if he want's to decline then he shouldn't just give a NO but should actually pick a better day/time in the near future and YOU will re-initiate then.

My LD wife seems happier on a semi-regular schedule. It gives her time to mentally prepare for our encounters. And it frees her from worrying that I'll initiate sex on other days/times. I know this may sound pretty sad, and very clinical. Believe me I'd prefer spontaneous passion. But given the choice of no sex versus scheduled sex, this has been a total marriage saver.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If one needs time to prepare... Root canal?

I don't buy it even after scheduling such events for years. Eventually they get very good at either starfishing or blowing off.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Well, to be fair John, it is more mental for women.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Well, to be fair John, it is more mental for women.


Yea, brainstem sex


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Is your husband christian?
> 
> Here is 1 Corinthians 7
> 
> ...


My wife is very religious. I showed her this and she ignores it or gets angry at me. She says it either doesn't apply to her or I don't deserve it for one reason or another. I don't understand how she can pick and choose the parts of the Bible she agrees with. And then she wonders why I am not more religious.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

committed_guy said:


> My wife is very religious. I showed her this and she ignores it or gets angry at me. She says it either doesn't apply to her or I don't deserve it for one reason or another. I don't understand how she can pick and choose the parts of the Bible she agrees with. And then she wonders why I am not more religious.


Your wife might find it either interesting or it may piss her off more to read these links - New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife


author found that getting past her problems improved her relationships with both God and her husband.

Check out some of the videos from Mark Gungor. He has some sermons on with holding sex from your spouse is the same as cheating and breaks the marriage commitment.

He also has video on wondering how these spouses would act if you were to follow the biblical advice of if you have a issue with someone, go to them, if they won't listen, involve or bring a few more people, such as your pastor.

Marriage is a vow of commitment, NOT celibacy.

Barring illness, or abuse or infidelity, spouses should not use sex as a weapon. If they do, walk. I used to be against divorce, but it took me being willing to walk before wife understood that to me it wasn't just sex, but an intense bonding mechanism.

I also had found out what her love languages were, spoke the top 3 a lot, cleaned house & got myself in shape. I wanted her to know/see what she would be losing. We agreed on 1 a week. Now, on occasion, it happens twice a week. She is seeing that life can be a lot better if we spend some time together. She even has started requesting that we have naked naps after we are done. Used to be she would jump right up afterwards, now it's "Curl up behind me" and we take a nap together.

I also spent a lot of time in prayer before I gave her ultimatum.

It's easy to arm chair qb someone else's problems. Everyone has to decide for themselves what their limits are. My kids got to age where they know dad will always love them and would never leave them. I wanted to be in a passionate relationship before I got too old to get it up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

committed_guy said:


> My wife is very religious. I showed her this and she ignores it or gets angry at me. *She says it either doesn't apply to her or I don't deserve it for one reason or another.* I don't understand how she can pick and choose the parts of the Bible she agrees with. And then she wonders why I am not more religious.


Read dalrock's blog (https://dalrock.wordpress.com) to find out all that you ever wanted to know about *this*.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It will piss her off more. He isn't a believer.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> It will piss her off more.* He isn't a believer.*


Were you referring to me or the OP?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

committed_guy said:


> Were you referring to me or the OP?


Don't want to thread jack.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think there are 2 types of people in the world.

1. Those who genuinely LIKE giving other people happiness, and who do it without thinking. 

2. People who will always be left out of the good life.


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