# How to overcome the annoying things your husband does?



## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

I have tried to ignore these things but that never seems to work! I have talked to my husband about this on several accounts, but nothing ever changes! For instance tonight I asked him to pick up the house. He is doing it, but has a huffy attitude. Well how does he think I feel everytime I clean? That is just one example of how he ALWAYS acts about everything. It only really matters how he feels, or what he thinks, or what he wants. I am really getting annoyed with this behavior, as I have spoken to him on several accounts about it. I want to ignore it and brush it off, but I don't and then it boils up and I end up getting angry about it later. Does anyone have any tips on how to handle this?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just ignore it. He's huffing and puffing, hoping you'll say, "Oh geez! I'll just do it then!" My kids do this. Put on some music so you don't have to hear him betching...or leave the room while he tidies.

He's just trying to bother you, and it's working


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

I am at work  otherwise I probably would just do it, lol! I just get upset because I can go from having a perfect night, to then talking to him and he gets an attitude and my night is ruined.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Sapphires said:


> For instance tonight I asked him to pick up the house. He is doing it, *but has a huffy attitude. Well how does he think I feel everytime I clean?*


A little more info would be nice.

It sounds like he gets "huffy" every time you give him an order. Ill let you know that I too get "huffy" when my wife orders me around, usually followed by a spat, one or both of us apologizes and then she rewords her original sentence in a way that makes me feel like an equal, helping out with the chores/ housework.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I see a lot of all or nothing attitudes in your posts. He "always" does that? Your "perfect" night? 

Could it be that you may have some perfectionist or controlling tendencies? It could be that the WAY you are asking your husband to tidy up could be the issue. Just a guess and I may be wrong, but often it's a dynamic between two people, not just one sided.


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

SockPuppet, I simply asked him to pick up the house, I did not order him to do anything. I felt it was fair due to the fact I am at work and he isn't, and had I not been at work I would have done it myself. Honestly, I do not like to ask him to do anything, but if I didn't he would literally sit around, playing COD, drinking beer 
and/or playing on the computer, which I have no problem with, but we have company coming over later and didn't want the house to be messy.


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

Laurae1967, no I am not perfect at all, I know I have things that annoy my husband. I know it isn't the way I ask him because a.) I don't feel like it's appropriate to ask him in a rude and demanding manner and b.) he wouldn't appreciate that and in turn would do the exact opposite. I feel there are probably deeper issues here than cleaning the house. It's probably the fact that I feel like I do him favors when he asks, and I try to do nice things for him and so on, but he never seems to be able to do those for me.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Just wondering.....when you ask him to do something, is it in the same manner you would ask a close friend to do it....or is it more like you would ask your children (if you have any)?


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

It was: "Do you think you could pick up the house a little bit when you get a chance?"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I see a lot of all or nothing attitudes in your posts. He "always" does that? Your "perfect" night?
> 
> Could it be that you may have some perfectionist or controlling tendencies? It could be that the WAY you are asking your husband to tidy up could be the issue. Just a guess and I may be wrong, but often it's a dynamic between two people, not just one sided.


Yea, and some co-dependency. No one else's mood should be able to ruin your own. If he wants to be funky, then he can be funky. Go have fun on your own.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

So if you are always giving to your husband and he's not giving to you, there are indeed deeper issues going on.

He could have a fear of intimacy and witholds things from you to keep distance in the relationship (sex, affection, gifts, favors, help around the house). It could also be that he doesn't feel like he can ever meet your standards or that what he does ins't good enough, so he doesn't go out of his way to try.

Those were issues in my marriage before we got IC and MC. Now my husband is very giving, loving, helpful, sexual, and I am less critical, judgemental, and a lot more flexible. A dynamic between you and your husband is probably what is getting in the way.

I found that when my husband was more giving, I was less critical. When I was less critical, he felt safer to be more giving. Each partner has to make sure to create the best conditions to make it easy for their partner to meet their needs. For example, if you wanted your husband to be honest with you, you would have to not punish him for being honest by getting upset or freaking out. A good MC can help with this.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

My husband gets huffy too but I really don't care. If I don't react to it, he gets over it in time and we continue on with our evening. It use to really bother me, but now I don't let it. If you are at work, how do you know he is huffing and puffing? I would just ignore him, go in a different room and do some cleaning of your own - or something.

I've also found it works better too if after my H is done doing a chore, if I do something special for him - like a back massage, watching his fav movie with him, baking his fav cookies/dinner, or even just saying "thank you babe"... something OTHER than sex, too  It will make him feel more eager to do the things for you because it puts more meaning behind what you ask him to do. Also, it may encourage him to do the same for you. I've noticed since doing this my H tends to say "Thanks for cleaning" or "The kitchen looks REALLY nice (and then a kiss)" or the next day he'll come home with a surprise he picked up at the store.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Sapphires said:


> Laurae1967, no I am not perfect at all, I know I have things that annoy my husband. I know it isn't the way I ask him because a.) I don't feel like it's appropriate to ask him in a rude and demanding manner and b.) he wouldn't appreciate that and in turn would do the exact opposite. I feel there are probably deeper issues here than cleaning the house. It's probably the fact that I feel like I do him favors when he asks, and I try to do nice things for him and so on, but he never seems to be able to do those for me.


Your starting to sound like a nice... lady. Can I suggest ladying-up


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No one should be coerced to clean up a home in which they live. lol. When I'm at work, hubs should clean...just as when he's at work, i should clean.

I don't expect a backrub, nor he. It's just what people do, right? RIGHT?? *crickets*. I know---- i wish it was that easy. We are working on it, but seriously...this stuff bugs me.


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

Laurae1967: Thanks that was helpful. I do feel like I have tendencies about focusing on the small things and let them boil up. I do feel like this comes and goes, when he is helpful or caring, I am too and everything seems to flow. But then I feel like as soon as one of us get off track, maybe we are being spiteful or rebellious to one another? 
Lydia: I was speaking to him on the phone and that is when he got a big attitude about it. I agree with you I do try to show my appreciation in one way or another. I do feel however this does not encourage him to be more helpful next time. 
That girl: Lol I don't know if you were being serious or sarcastic, but in all honesty sometimes I wish I didn't have to ask a favor of him to clean the house, he never has to ask me to clean or cook or anything, I just do it, because like you said, it is where I live and would like it clean. And also I do think I may hold some animosity towards him due to the fact that I have to be at work and he gets to be home and be lazy. When I am off I try to be somewhat productive.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wasn't being sarcastic. I was just saying that adults shouldn't have to be asked to clean up a house in which they live.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ I was thinking the same thing. I don't relate housework as being a favor to each other. It's just part of daily adult discipline that we all have to do. And it's much easier to get ready in the morning if socks are in the draw and clean cups are available for wake-up tea.

You've already addressed if it's your tone with how you're asking. This was my first thought. When hubs and I moved in together at 18/19 yo, I'd ask him to do certain chores. Then because I didn't want to be a "nag" I decided to start writing lists instead lol. One day he came to me, bathroom all sparkling and told me "No more lists. If you write me a list, I'll ignore it" ......so I learned that wasn't the way to be with him. A friend mentioned to me recently that her husband hadn't done anything on the list she'd left for him. I told hubs and asked "Remember when I used to write you lists?" He chuckled and said "Don't start with those lists again!" 

We learned together how to find the balance of our responsibilities - we both work full time. On occasion he's had to remind me to do a task and vice verse. No biggie, because we know what's expected of us. Normally I mop and vacuum the floors but a couple of times lately, he's offered to follow me with the mop from room to room after I've vacuumed and it's much quicker and easier this way. I have since asked if he'd mind doing this again. I don't expect it because he takes care of his stuff and we've had this arrangement with division of chores for years. Putting music on and getting it done together is a more fun approach though. This isn't to say we're perfect. Who is, right? Heck I'm only just learning to cook. 

If I need to ask him to help me with something, I usually ask in a cheesy flirtatious way. "I need your big, strong muscles for making the bed." He never hesitates to help. And this is also just my personality. I'm cheesy *shrug* ......If he asks me for something, he just states it outright. If we're exercising though, that's another matter. If he mentions how my butt looks as we jog or flirts with me during exercising, yes, that's the motivation _I_ need. 

It might be your approach, it might be him. I think if someone reacted to me with a huff, I'd leave them to it and try to remain unaffected. This is your husband, he's not a child. Work out between you the best way to help each other and remember you're meant to be on the same team.


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I wasn't being sarcastic. I was just saying that adults shouldn't have to be asked to clean up a house in which they live.


Okay, I didn't think so, just wanted to make sure! Thanks and :iagree:


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## Sapphires (Nov 26, 2011)

Heartsbeating: Thanks for all of that, that helps. I will try to address the situation, and try to have a different outlook on it. Maybe he is not understanding my side of things.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm not suggesting I do this effectively myself but I'll offer a thought to you as you're asking for help. The words of Stephen Covey came to mind when I read your last sentence of "Maybe he is not understanding my side of things." And this is... "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> I don't expect a backrub, nor he. It's just what people do, right?


Well, in a perfect world - yes. However, I don't think things really work this way in a typical relationship. This is simply what works for my H. *I* do expect to be thanked and appreciated for what I do - however, my H does not react to verbal 'praise' as much as physical or material.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

ear buds. works like a charm.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Sapphires said:


> Laurae1967: Thanks that was helpful. I do feel like I have tendencies about focusing on the small things and let them boil up. I do feel like this comes and goes, when he is helpful or caring, I am too and everything seems to flow. But then I feel like as soon as one of us get off track, maybe we are being spiteful or rebellious to one another?


This is exactly the dynamic that many couples struggle with, including me and my husband (although it happens once or twice a year instead of every week, which was our pattern in the past). 

I would suggest MC. My husband and I have been together 7 years now and our marriage is WONDERFUL now because we learned how to address the dynamic you described above in couples counseling.

There are probably things you are both unconsciously doing that are getting in the way of good feelings and understanding. You CAN learn how to recognize and change that bad dynamic and it's well worth it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Just ignore it. He's huffing and puffing, hoping you'll say, "Oh geez! I'll just do it then!"


Sometimes when the missus uses that line on me it just makes me do it.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Men & women definitely look at housework differently, also just see diff things in the home environment & put diff values on what they see as well. Maybe this qualifies as a Mars/Venus issue. Truth be told most women end up running the show and we don't realize we truly are queens in our domain. Which intimidates the male partner who feels like he can't measure up. Not to mention, he doesn't see half of what you see as important so of course he can't do it to your specs anyway, so why bother? Etc.
Last night the dh invited a new family over to meet us, 2 adults 2 kids, they decided 4:30 PM was a good time. Well, I don't cook dinner on Sunday evening and nobody mentioned dinner in the invite. The guys arranged this, mind you. So these people show up and stay for hours and by golly they starved. Note that the dh started saying stuff like, Couldn't you just make some nachos or something. I kept saying, What for? Today I feel a little guilty but my point is, stick to your standards and beliefs and boundaries. If we all speak up for ourselves and try to be truthful about that, we can work better as partners. Work out who does what, don't make assumptions, and appreciate what each other does. It's the underlying thought that counts, not whether your house is spotless.


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