# New here and a bit desperate!



## Addison Moors (Nov 2, 2020)

Hi everyone!

I'm Addison - for you - and I'm a 29 year-old girl that has been in a relationship for four years. 

My BF is amazing and we have a lot in common. We've done great things together: we built a campervan with our own hands, travelled around, lived in different places, etc. On top of that, we seem to be the best version of ourselves since we are together. Also, we've been through different rough times but we managed to get over then after lots of effort and talking.

There's just one problem we don't seem to fins the solution for: sex. He has a very low drive and I've got - or used to have - a pretty high one. I've been reading you and I've come across many long-term marriages where sex went downhill but the fact is that we started having problems with sex after the first year of being together.

I've never thought that being in a relationship, marrying and having children was for me because of my high sex drive and my changeable and ambitious future plans. But then I met him and I thought "it has to be him!" as there wasn't a plan that would appear too crazy to him. He's got this incredible ability to turn crazy plans into something tangible and I appreciate that a lot, I don't take it for granted.

Because of all of that, I decided to fight for what we had and I talked to him about sex. It couldn't have gone worse. First, because I probably didn't know how to communicate these things and second because no young man wants to hear "your sex drive is low". He shut down, it didn't get any better so in the end, I just decided to try to forget I had a sexuality and turned into a nun. The effect was terrible on me. I had never had such a low self-esteem. I thought he didn't like me anymore because I maybe got fat or ugly or whatever but it wasn't the case. One day, he said that he had had the same problem with all his previous relationships. 

And he did nothing about it. 

This is something that annoyed me a lot as we had a very serious talk before deciding going out together and both said, literally "sex is very important for me". It was a lie... but again, what young man would say "You know? I don't really care about sex... do you still want to date?". 

I want to tackle the problem. I know we cannot talk about it so I'm thinking of seeing a counselor but how can I bring the issue to the table again and propose him that?

Many thanks if you read to the end!

See you around,

Addison


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Has he ever had his testosterone level checked?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Addison Moors said:


> One day, he said that he had had the same problem with all his previous relationships.
> 
> And he did nothing about it.
> 
> This is something that annoyed me a lot as we had a very serious talk before deciding going out together and both said, literally "sex is very important for me". It was a lie... but again, what young man would say "You know? I don't really care about sex...


He started your relationship with a lie--one difficult to hide. He needs a complete physical and especially testosterone check as Andy said. He may be asexual, but that is unusual. Have there been abuses in his past that could affect his sexuality?

I'd be wary of limiting the importance of sex because someone is so much fun.


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## Addison Moors (Nov 2, 2020)

I thought about that too but again, how do I tell him that? I think it's better to leave it to a professional. I don't really know what else to do...

Thanks for your advice


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Addison Moors said:


> I thought about that too but again, how do I tell him that? I think it's better to leave it to a professional. I don't really know what else to do...
> 
> Thanks for your advice


I don’t understand this post. You are unhappy in your relationship but “don’t know how to tell” your boyfriend how he can help you. 
I can understand it would be an uncomfortable conversation but if you want to spend the rest of your life with him don’t you think you should be discussing everything including his possible health issues.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Addison Moors said:


> I think it's better to leave it to a professional.


The problem is going to be getting him in front of a professional, and having him admit that he has a problem. A guy's sexuality is so cross-linked to his "manhood"...... it's like getting people 20 years ago to say they liked Country Music..... or getting people to admit they are going to vote for Mr. Trump.... the fear of repercussions causes hiding....

An admission of "low drive" may be so damaging and hurtful to his self-esteem that he won't go to any professionals...... quite a few men die with sexual problems, because they never sought help.



Addison Moors said:


> "sex is very important for me"


I'll bet that wasn't a lie.... he just doesn't know how to get his mojo up.... he'll need help from a doc.....


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## Addison Moors (Nov 2, 2020)

Exactly, that's what I see. But he is very proud of us making things work when we go through rough paths. Maybe if I find a way to bring the issue to the table, he might accept. 

Has anybody tried professional help for sexual issues? What was your experience?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Agree with the others, you must have this conversation with your boyfriend, no matter how uncomfortable. The trick is to bring it up in a way that makes it about you, not him, and absolutely don't criticise his low drive. "BF, I need to talk to you, I'm very unhappy with our sex life, the frequency just isn't enough for me, how can we fix this?". 

Sex is very important in a relationship, it's the one thing that sets your relationship with your partner apart from all others. It creates and strengthens the bond between partners, and love grows stronger. Is it the most important or only important thing? No, of course not, but it is up there xx


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Many folks here see or have seen a professional sex therapist. You don't want to bring it up again, but want someone else do it.

Have title changed to something that reflects this and you will get more relevant answers. Best Wishes!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Does he suffer from mental depression?

Is he on any medication that might affect his sexual interest, abilities and drive?


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## Addison Moors (Nov 2, 2020)

Both have suffered from depression but it's been along while since we've been alright. He doesn't take any medication


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Addison Moors said:


> One day, he said that he had had the same problem with all his previous relationships.


This tells me that he doesn't care enough about sex to address the problem. Which may be why he is with you and not one of his other girlfriends. You are settling - they didn't.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Addison, please read what I say as if it were your mother or grandmother speaking to you. The first thing that shot out at me was.....


Addison Moors said:


> that has been in a relationship for four years.


That is way too long. If you guys have not decided to get married by now, you shouldn't be hanging around. If neither of you want to get married, then it's still too long to be with someone dealing with a problem - a problem that affects YOU - that they refuse to address.

There are a couple issues here:

Someone said sex isn't important to him. Well, he has little or no sex drive, so no it wouldn't be important to him. What SHOULD be important to him are YOUR sexual needs. That he has no concern for you in that respect is the problem.

The other issue is your lack of expectation that he be concerned for your needs. You're trying to find a way to broach the subject again, when you should be angry that he doesn't care to address it for your sake even if not his own. So you have to feel like you're supplicating yourself over something to keep from hurting his feelings. But you don't live your life like that. You shouldn't. There are many areas in which a couple learns they have to compromise, but this isn't compromising if it isn't being addressed at all. You're only compromising yourself.....and your needs.

When it comes to the sexual aspect of a relationship, most women are afraid of hurting their guy's feelings, so they don't say things that need to be said. But this is beyond the pale. Perhaps someone will come along with the ideal response that helps you magically avoid the confrontation, but I doubt it. I think you simply have to take the reins, even if that means making his doc appointment and dragging him to it. He either needs testosterone, or he seriously has no interest in sex. What I suggest is you make an appointment for yourself to have a consultation with his doctor. Tell him the problem, ask the doc to test his levels and other things, and ask the doc to talk with him. Ask him to help the two of you to talk about it. You may be surprised at what gets revealed.

Other than that, you may have to ascertain if he masturbates. It could be that he prefers that to a woman. Some guys are that way, particularly if they feel inadequate in bed for any reason. Or, some guys feel sex and having to perform to please her is a chore when their hand is easier, faster, and has no such demand.

The second thing that jumped out at me was.....


Addison Moors said:


> This is something that annoyed me a lot as we had a very serious talk before deciding going out together and both said, literally "sex is very important for me". It was a lie... but again, what young man would say "You know? I don't really care about sex... do you still want to date?"


He bold-faced lied to you, and you reduced the seriousness of his lie to something understandable. Most people misrepresent themselves when meeting and dating. You probably misrepresented something(s) too, like you love dogs when you don't really care all that much for them, or like hiking when you hate even walking to the corner store, or that you love opera and read the Wall Street Journal, or something like that. Everyone wants to make a good impression and present themselves as more desirable, exciting, and worthwhile than they actually are. But there's nothing to understand or accept about a lie that a person has to endure, suffer through, or be subjected to. By your standard, physically abusive men also don't confess "I'm going to beat the crap out of you, do you still want to date?" when they meet a woman. It's not okay. It's not understandable, especially since he said it knowing full well that he had no inclination and no intention of providing something you specifically stated is important. He deliberately misled you to dupe you into being with him. And now, you've spent four years twisting yourself in knots.

Continue trying to figure out what to do about this if you want, but I think you should soon come to the conclusion that "he's a nice guy, but....." And leave it at that because all things considered, he's not the guy for you. He knew that when he lied.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

StarFires said:


> Addison, please read what I say as if it were your mother or grandmother speaking to you. The first thing that shot out at me was.....
> 
> 
> That is way too long. If you guys have not decided to get married by now, you shouldn't be hanging around. If neither of you want to get married, then it's still too long to be with someone dealing with a problem - a problem that affects YOU - that they refuse to address.
> ...



This is great advice @Addison Moors please read it over and over.


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