# New to this and struggling



## lollypart (Mar 31, 2013)

Hi All,

I'm 29 years old and I am just under 4 weeks since my husband told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce. We have been together nearly 10 years and married for nearly 5.

It came out a week later that he was already seeing someone else 2 days after we separated. He denies that there was any adultery but I refuse to believe that you can change a relationship with a work colleague within 48 hours of leaving your wife. I found emails from him to her telling her how much he missed her etc so I believe there has been some kind of affair.

We don't have any kids together, had a rental property and have already divided up the finances. I know that I have almost landed on my feet in terms of the fact that we can have a clean break but the horrible truth is that I feel so alone and incredibly lonely.

My heart breaks everytime I think of him with her and the weekends are especially hardest as I know he is with her. I feel like after 4 weeks I should be feeling some sort of relief but the truth is that although he has lied to me I still love him so much.

I just don't know how to move forward. All I seem to do is go to work, cry and sleep. I feel completely unattractive, unloved and worthless and I don't know where to start in rebuilding my life.

I've not had any contact with him since I found out about the affair and confronted him. He doesn't want me back as he is with her now. I've filed for divorce on the grounds of his adultery - he text me the day that the papers arrived to ask me a question about them but I didn't reply. I've also now changed my mobile number to stop any further contact. I don't know if I am doing the right thing in breaking off the contact but at the moment I just seem to be on auto-pilot.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Sorry you're having to be in this sorry place dear. You should know that his affair was not your fault. As hard as it may be to comprehend at this stage, you're in a much better position than say someone who had kids. You need to stay strong and push through to divorce. 

Read and implement the 180


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## missmim (Dec 29, 2012)

Lollypart,

I'm so sorry your going through this. I don't have much advise but there are wonderful people here that have tons of great advise. 

And yes, Your husband was cheating with this co-worker long before he left. There are countless stories on TAM that will resemble yours.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS!

There are stages to grief, and you are mourning the loss of your marriage. It's ok to be devistated, but at some point you will realize that YOU are a great person and deserve someone who will cherish their marriage vows. In the end, its your husbands loss because he no longer has you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garm (Mar 11, 2013)

Don't forgive him for this and don't try to save the marriage. This happened to me and I tried to reconcile with my wife. We had 2 kids after the affair, and now I just recently found out she is sleeping with the same man again and our kids are only 1 and 3 years old.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Out them to families and to HR at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lollypart (Mar 31, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Out them to families and to HR at work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His family knows and although they are disappointed they have accepted it. They aren't a close family and he is not spending time with them as he is with his new gf. I don't know the girl and I don't want to come across as the evil ex-wife by telling HR.

I'm deeply hurt and struggling but I guess at the same time I want to keep some dignity about myself so his family can see that he hasn't destroyed me. Even if he has on the inside.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Your a strong woman, your doing what must be done. The struggles are normal, your fears are normal. How you are handling this, considering he's with her, is perfect.

You will get through this, you will survive. 

Start doing some things for you, enroll in a gym, get active. Get busy.

Show him you don't need him, as Bjornfree mentioned implement the 180.

Hang in there you can and are doing this, one step at a time, one day at a time.


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

lollypart said:


> His family knows and although they are disappointed they have accepted it. They aren't a close family and he is not spending time with them as he is with his new gf. I don't know the girl and I don't want to come across as the evil ex-wife by telling HR.
> 
> I'm deeply hurt and struggling but I guess at the same time I want to keep some dignity about myself so his family can see that he hasn't destroyed me. Even if he has on the inside.


Sorry you are here. The best revenge is moving on. Once the initial shock lessens, you will see that you are stronger than you think.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lollypart said:


> His family knows and although they are disappointed they have accepted it. They aren't a close family and he is not spending time with them as he is with his new gf. I don't know the girl and I don't want to come across as the evil ex-wife by telling HR.
> 
> I'm deeply hurt and struggling but I guess at the same time I want to keep some dignity about myself so his family can see that he hasn't destroyed me. Even if he has on the inside.


You don't want to appear like the evil ex-wife to HR? Why? Play the part of the evil ex-wife! Have fun with the role!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes awhile to get beyond something like this. But you can do it. Focus on *you *and don't look back.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Lolly, you may as well accept its going to take you upwards of a year to get over this. The good news is you will and you will find a better love and will be glad it happened. I can also assure you his tom catting around has nothing to do with your attractiveness and sex appeal. Some men (and women) just have to always have something new. You don't want to be saddled with such. A few months of hurt and bitterness is better than years of putting up with his crap. There a better choices in life and all men have the same plumbing.


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## lollypart (Mar 31, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Lolly, you may as well accept its going to take you upwards of a year to get over this. The good news is you will and you will find a better love and will be glad it happened. I can also assure you his tom catting around has nothing to do with your attractiveness and sex appeal. Some men (and women) just have to always have something new. You don't want to be saddled with such. A few months of hurt and bitterness is better than years of putting up with his crap. There a better choices in life and all men have the same plumbing.


But how exactly do I accept it? I say to myself everyday that he isn't coming back. But my heart doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I guess I want him to hurt in the same way I do.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

lollypart said:


> But how exactly do I accept it? I say to myself everyday that he isn't coming back. But my heart doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I guess I want him to hurt in the same way I do.


He never will. You've got to have a heart to have a broken one! Just keep on keeping on. Yes, you're lonely, but you aren't dead. Count yourself lucky he revealed his true nature before you were well and truly stuck with him in your life forever.

A book that helped me a lot when I felt like you did is called The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm. I got a lot out of it, and it helped me put myself back together again.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're here. Things will get better for you, they already have! And one day, it'll really feel like it too! Hard to believe right now I know, but it will!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

lollypart said:


> But how exactly do I accept it? I say to myself everyday that he isn't coming back. But my heart doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I guess I want him to hurt in the same way I do.


As bad as it feels Lolly, you have no choice. Some spouses lose their spouses via death. You lost yours because of choices he made and its out of your control.
But its like Sad and Angry said, "Count yourself lucky he revealed his true nature before you were well and truly stuck with him in your life forever." Ask yourself if he's really the kind of guy you want to be with and do you really want him back if he continues on that road. Its not what you signed up for.
If I knew how to make the pain of it all go away I would tell you. I do know however it will in several weeks, you will replace him, and he will become a distant memory. If you tell yourself he's the only one for you, think about what would have happened if you'd never met. Chances are you'd be with someone else. There are a lot of pieces to the puzzles in life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lollypart said:


> But how exactly do I accept it? I say to myself everyday that he isn't coming back. But my heart doesn't seem to acknowledge it. I guess I want him to hurt in the same way I do.


He's never going to hurt the same way you do so put that out of your mind.

When you find yourself thinking about him, change the focus to yourself. 

Over time it will be better. But it's not quick and it's not easy.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

lolly here is what is happening. Your husband had a long term EA and probably PA with this woman. I am sure if you dig you will find a lot more. At this point you have two options. 
1) fight for your marriage and start picking through email, text messages, and phone records to determine the nature of the affair.
Then proceed with exposing him to his work, friends, and family.

2) you can get out now and save yourself years of pain and torture and file.

My reaction to the news that he was dating would be to immediately file and start the divorce proceedings. You are right no relationship turns on like that also. You should inform his boss or hr department about the situation. Tell them you are aware they had an affair before the separation. 

Is he coming back? Why would you want him to? He betrayed you, disrespected you, manipulated your love and trust to enable his betrayal. In the end when i came down to it instead of manning up and divorcing you and telling you the truth. He separates from you to keep you on the hook in case this fling falls to pieces. 
I suggest you read up on the 180. I am sure someone on here will point you to the 180. 
The worst thing you can do right now is pine and wait for this sick individual, who I would hate to call a man, to come crawling back. You can't do that you have a life to live and you deserve to be happy.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Lollypart,

I was married for 15 years and found out my wife was unfaithful and wanted a divorce.

There are a few things that you have to accept and realize. First you can not let your happiness be determined by any other person. You alone can determine if you are happy or not.

Second, the best way to get beyond where you are now is to improve yourself. I spent the better part of a year in the gym working out my emotions, turning them into energy and making myself better. I have better relationships with my kids. We just hiked the Appalachian Trail in MD 45 miles and we now have memories that will last a lifetime.

Figure out who you want to be and what you want to do and go do it. It can be hard but you will start improving yourself and gradually you will become extremely attractive to yourself and others.

Do not be concerned about what your husband feels or not. Your husband was cheating on you. Don't kid yourself or accept his lies. You don't all of a sudden start seeing someone 2 days after getting separated. He is not worth your time. When you follow through on improving yourself and living your life how you want to live then you will be happy.

Let the angriness and bitterness go. I counseled for it and shared with friends. A year and a half later, I've done some of my bucket list things, improved myself in so many ways, have a beautiful girlfriend and my kids want to live with me. My WW EXW does understand the damage she did to me and the kids... I'm not going to explain it to her. Life is too short to be concerned with hoping someone hurts like you do or trying to get revenge. Go and live for yourself and focus on that. Get in shape. It is great to get physically tired and it helps you sleep when you just feel like the world is so heavy. Tomorrow is a brand new day and your future will be brighter once again.


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## lollypart (Mar 31, 2013)

Thanks all for your kind words.

I will reread the replies when I am at my lowest.

I know that I can't have him back because he doesn't want me and even if he did the trust is gone. I've cut off contact to try and heal myself but it doesn't seem to be helping.

Everyone says it is so soon for me to try and deal with this all but I guess I just want a bit of relief from what feels like this crushing pain on my chest.

I feel like I am ticking all the right boxes in terms of getting the divorce and no contact but I don't feel like emotionally I have moved forward. I seem to be moving backwards.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Nah you are just dealing with it in your own way. It usually takes years for Betrayed spouses to recover from this. Don't beat yourself up and find someone you can talk to Face to face about this. I highly suggest an Individual Councilor and in addition. This is not something you need or should try to tackle on your own. I am glad you came here.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

lollypart said:


> Thanks all for your kind words.
> 
> I will reread the replies when I am at my lowest.
> 
> ...


It's an emotional roller coaster. It's the worst at the beginning.

You'll hit a point where it feels like your suddenly not hurting. It won't be true. Your mind will just be taking a break because it can only handle so much grief. Be prepaired for lots of ups and downs.

Detaching is the only real help, but it's not an instant cure. Just stick with it. Avoid all contact.


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