# I'm responsible, but what do I do?



## danaelis (May 22, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for just over 16 years. We have 5 kids including 2 year old twins. For the past year or so it has been increasingly difficult and very stressful in our home. Lots of noise, financial strains and we have been taking our stresses on each other. 

I have had several discussions with my husband about how unhappy I have been. I don't feel as though he wants me around sometimes and how he almost resents the kids and gets short with them. We are from two different countries too and none of my family are around for support. Despite our talks, things may improve a little, but not where I was feeling happy and secure again. 

Over a year ago I caught up online with a friend I've known since I was just 19. Besides my own family I've known him longer than anyone else in my life. We have a lot in common and it was good talking about old times and just chatting. About a month ago he happened to ask me if I was happy. Normally I'd avoid answering those questions, but it had been a difficult day and it all came spilling out. He revealed that he still had feelings for me and felt I was that one special person who he had let slip away so long ago. 

I ended up falling in love with him and we proceeded to plan a get together (he lives in my home country) and it was all wonderful. I was smiling and feeling happy again. Besides some suggestive talk, there wasn't any sexting or anything like that involved. My husband found out by going through my Facebook messages. 

My husband loves me and doesn't want to lose me. The OM loves me and doesn't want to lose me again. I love both of them and I don't know how to handle this. My husband thinks I have broken all communication off, but I haven't. I can't. I'm hurting so bad at the thought of breaking one of their hearts. I can't leave my kids, period. The OM is willing to wait until the eldest are older and more able to accept a break up, as long as we still have regular contact. 

I love my husband and don't want to leave him. But I don't know if I'd ever be happy without the OM either. How is it even possible to have two men in my heart so much? What am I supposed to do here? My husband realizes that he is partly to blame for getting us to this point and he is trying to be better about being open and talking to me. But I just can't give the OM up. I can't stand the thought of hurting either one of them by saying it's over. I'm so lost in this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Between your husband and OM, with which of the two did you exchange wedding vows? Answer that question, and you'll have the answer to the rest of your questions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to invest yourself fully, one way or the other. Straddling the river (one foot on either bank) simply means you're stuck, and there's only one way for it to end. Badly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, understand that your husband is in no way responsible for your cheating. That is the selfish decision you made instead of going to counseling or divorcing him. There is saying here about that choice - you could have "talked or walked".

Whatever you do, you need to be fair to your husband. The one you made wedding vows with. Either divorce him or end contact with this OM. If you do the latter, then be ready to demonstrate remorse to your husband for what you have done to your marriage.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Bear in mind that you have already hurt your H. You need to decide what you want and stick to it. You can't be a cake eater and expect that everyone is just going to stand by and play nice. If as you say nothing has truly happened then there is still time to reconcile and make amends but only if you are willing, which it is sounding like you are not. Also bear in mind that you are lying and cheating (whether it is sexual or not it is an emotional A and as long as you remain in it, you can not fix your marriage). You are also not only hurting your H, and yourself, you are hurting your family and kids. 

It is your life, but don't think you are going to get people slapping you on the back and saying go for it and continue cheating. Either D your H first and move on to Mr. Rightnow, or go NC and stick to your marriage vows.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Ask yourself what would an adult living in reality do?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Reality, you can't keep both. You have alrready hurt your husband and no matter what you do one of them is going to be destroyed. If you go with the OM the chances it will last are slim to none, two years from now you will be looking at the OM like you look at your husband today. If you tell your Husband the truth, you give him the chance to descide if he wants to stay with you. My experience wiith other men ( as the BS) is that they don't stick around. Then what?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

What is it today with posts from cheaters wanting us to tell them it's okay to break their marriage vows?


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Between your husband and OM, with which of the two did you exchange wedding vows? Answer that question, and you'll have the answer to the rest of your questions.


You are thinking about traditional wedding vows. 

The modern ones have been updated to include, "in health but not illness, for richer but not poorer, so long as she isn't bored or unhappy."


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ripper said:


> You are thinking about traditional wedding vows.
> 
> The modern ones have been updated to include, "in health but not illness, for richer but not poorer, so long as she isn't bored or unhappy."


Ha! Indeed.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I bet the OM has his own issues besides trying to cheat with married women. I bet your not the only one he is talking to. I will even vo further, I bet if you lived with him it wouldnt take more than a year and you would be sick of his sh1t too. Remember, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

danaelis said:


> Over a year ago I caught up online with a friend I've known since I was just 19. Besides my own family I've known him longer than anyone else in my life. We have a lot in common and it was good talking about old times and just chatting. About a month ago he happened to ask me if I was happy. Normally I'd avoid answering those questions, but it had been a difficult day and it all came spilling out. He revealed that he still had feelings for me and felt I was that one special person who he had let slip away so long ago.
> 
> I ended up falling in love with him and we proceeded to plan a get together (he lives in my home country) and it was all wonderful.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I'm not long on patience with cake-eating anymore. You sound like you've been reading too many Victorian romances. There is nothing right about your new attraction. There is no doubt about what you *should* do here. This OM has already turned you into a liar. How much longer before you become an adultress in the bargain?

If your story is at all real, that is.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Ripper said:


> You are thinking about traditional wedding vows.
> 
> The modern ones have been updated to include, "in health but not illness, for richer but not poorer, so long as she isn't bored or unhappy."


Yeah, but they have been married for 16 years so they used the traditional ones. :lol::rofl:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Honey, you need to let go of OM. It is unlikely he will be what you think he will. And you do need to be completely honest with your dh, tell him all your passwords, give him access to your phone, all of it. Complete transparency.

You are lucky your dh has not been harsh with you. 

Work on the problems with him. You have too many children together to give up on this marriage. And your husband is willing to work with you. It is a very good sign, and a tribute to you, that he wants to stay with you.

Be humble. Think how you would feel if your dh were doing this. 

Please turn over a new leaf. And ask your dh, and others, to hold you accountable.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Let me paraphrase OP.

Boohoo. Poor me. I married a man, made a life, had wonderful kids. When my husband didnt work hard enough to make me feel wanted, I just sparked up a relationship with a old flame. Please sympathize with me.

Here is an idea. Work on your marriage. Give it your 100%. All effort, all love, all time. Go to therapy. Here is an old, old, old trick that has been passed down for generations....TALK!!!! That just MIGHT trigger a response from your husband. When all else fails, and you both agree that you are not in love, the kids are old enough to go on with their lives, you two can get amicably divorced, if you are in the US you can take 1/2 his money, buy a plane ticket to your home country (cheaterville???), and make out like a highschooler with your new flame....that is until real life worms its way back in, he gets too busy to make you feel special enough, and then you can find someone else that you connect with.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

This is almost laughable. danaelis, just what kind of prize do you think a 'man' is that would wreck a real man's marriage and family for his own personal gain? Where I come from he's called a despicable, self-serving, low life POS; not worthy of being pissed on if on fire.....unless you piss gasoline, of course.

Grow up!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What a quandary! You hold the hearts of two men in your hands. How devastating for you. How soul-wrenching.

And how powerful it makes you feel. How desired. How gratified.

I think you need to grow up. You have a husband and five children. You are not living a tragic romance novel. It is your husband's heart that you should be concerned about. You have done the worst thing you can do to the person you vowed to forsake all others for. And now you won't break contact with your OM. What right do you have to play with his life this way? With your children's lives?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

why don't you come clean and then let your husband decide if he will stay with you, I think that is fair….he has the right to chose what his life really is and this is one big lie, he deserves the choice not you.
I would say go with the other man you deserve him not your husband or family.
They deserve someone they can trust and your not it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

If this MR RightNow is so precious and great, why is he still single all these years later? 

What is in his past that would be an indicator of future life with Mr Wonderful? 

Bear in mind that you are starting out with a cheater and a liar, so where are you going from there really?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The POSOM loves you ? 

So I guess that means he is going to love the FIVE KIDS you are bringing with you ?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Practically speaking, you have ZERO chance of removing your children from the country you live in if you leave your husband for that guy who is wanting to cheat with a married mother of five.

And further, you have a shrinking level of options with your husband as he realizes the depth of your disloyalty.

Snap out of this and tell your husband the truth and work on retrieving what is left of your marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your husband is seeing this rationally, OP. You have too much invested in one another to dissolve the marriage. And a man who would pursue a married woman is indeed trash. 

You Must Let Go of OM. Please go to your dh and confess. Please humble yourself before him. This has to end.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

danaelis, I hope that we haven't scared you away just yet. Many of us here have been betrayed by a spouse or significant other at some point (some more recently than others), so it can be tough for us to not have a visceral reaction to stories such as yours. Having said that...

I just had a thought about this...



danaelis said:


> The OM is willing to wait until the eldest are older and more able to accept a break up, as long as we still have regular contact.


Sorry, but this is chickensh*t. If OM really loved you, he'd be willing to give up whatever life he has back in your home country -- right now! -- in order to be near you.

You've got to make a decision one way or the other, and stop all this cake-eating that you're currently engaged in. Ideally you'd drop OM (immediately, hard, and forever) and recommit yourself to your marriage and your family.

You say that you can't live without your kids and don't want to live without your husband...? Seems like the decision should be a pretty easy one.

Either way, if you don't make a decision (and soon), your husband may just make one for you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

danaelis said:


> My husband loves me and doesn't want to lose me. The OM loves me and doesn't want to lose me again. I love both of them and I don't know how to handle this.


Easy, set your husband free, because you didn't love him enough to keep from messing around with another man.




> My husband thinks I have broken all communication off, but I haven't. I can't. I'm hurting so bad at the thought of breaking one of their hearts. I can't leave my kids, period. *The OM is willing to wait until the eldest are older and more able to accept a break up*, as long as we still have regular contact.


So are you under the impression that its a good idea that you string your H along until the kids are old enough, waste several more years of his life, THEN set him free?

No, do it now. You won't be leaving your kids. You are the mother, if you want custody, you will get it and your H will end up getting the crap end of the stick.




> I love my husband and don't want to leave him. But I don't know if I'd ever be happy without the OM either. How is it even possible to have two men in my heart so much?


It isn't without hurting someone.




> What am I supposed to do here?


Make a decision, and make it now. My recommendation, again, is to set your H free.




> My husband realizes that he is partly to blame for getting us to this point


He is partly to blame for the health of your marriage. He is not in any way shape or form to blame for your decision to get close to another man.




> and he is trying to be better about being open and talking to me. But I just can't give the OM up.


You are going to have to give up one of them. Make a decision.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Everyone here is making sense. I know it is like life to feel loved and appreciated, but you need to use your higher functions of reason and self control in this situation.

ANY man who thinks it is fun to romance a married woman with kids, HATES her family with his actions. This other man cares nothing for the harm he will cause you to do to your husband and children for the sake of getting his penis in you!

That is blunt, but the ultimate truth. Any man, who lacks that much self control, cares far more for his pleasure stick than the human beings he would harm with his actions.

You have hit a low point as well. You have become someone that would sacrifice her children for the sake of illicit sex and romance.

You need to take an honest look at yourself.

If you don't want to be the above described person, you need to cut off all contact with your affair partner and commit to marriage counseling with your husband.

Your marriage can only start to be restored with some hard work.

Affairs are easy, marriage is hard. Best wishes.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My advice?

Realize you no longer deserve this marriage or your husband's love.

You can work hard to become a person that does, or you can wake up one day in the very near future where you realize that you're not in unicorn and rainbows land where you can live on skittles and wuv.

I wish you well and wise decisions.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I think I saw the OP under a bridge scarfing down an onion on the way home from work today.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> I think I saw the OP under a bridge scarfing down an onion on the way home from work today.


Yeah....


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

do the right thing.

Leave your kids with your H. divorce him, give him custody of the your children, pay him alimony and child support and give him all the property.

Then you can go live with Mr. POS wonderful. If he is like my wife's OM, he has a drug record and also has a couple of other married women that he is cheating with at the same time.

Your AP would never lie to you and not be cheating on you at the same time you are cheating on your husband. He would not do that? he is cheating with you and you will not find out until later that he is cheating with others at the same time. 

I do hope someday you will realize that you are not only cheating on your H, but you are also cheating on your children.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

This POS is perfectly willing to destroy a M and family, and to insult/wrong a man who has never done anything to him.

He is a total piece of trash, absolutely lacking any honor or character.

Why would you ever want to be with such a worthless person?

And if you think he would ever be loyal to you, think again.

This dirtbag obviously has no respect for commitment or vows since he is so willing to help you break yours.

Dump this POS and concentrate on repairing your M so you do not destroy your children's lives.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

danaelis said:


> My husband and I have been married for just over 16 years. We have 5 kids including 2 year old twins. For the past year or so it has been increasingly difficult and very stressful in our home. Lots of noise, financial strains and we have been taking our stresses on each other.
> 
> I have had several discussions with my husband about how unhappy I have been. I don't feel as though he wants me around sometimes and how he almost resents the kids and gets short with them. We are from two different countries too and none of my family are around for support. Despite our talks, things may improve a little, but not where I was feeling happy and secure again.
> 
> ...



Quit being a little girl and put your big girl pants on and woman up. Tell your hubby how you feel about OM and what you did. Then let him decide his own future. 

Tell the truth. Quit being a coward, entitled, selfish woman.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I'll be simple: you are cheating and you hate yourself for doing it.
Sometimes i remain amazed on how cheaters justify ther crap like you.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'm not even sure about this thread but the word "responsible" just makes me laugh


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Okay so while the discussion here has focused a lot on the POS other man (which he is) (because what type of person messes with someone else's wife and mother of 5 children, I think the focus needs to be on you. So while your husband is busy as hell trying to support your brood of children, you are sneaking around on your computer, thinking of yourself, and your feelings, dreaming of never, neverland (there is a reason they call it never land). My ex did the same thing and now she tries to have a family but too busy hiding crap from her children because she knows what they will think of her. She is with the OM now and guess what? He farts, he is inconsiderate, he does all the things other men do but guess what?
Too late! I am gone (long gone) and now there is no family. My ex uses our children to extol what a great family we have and I keep telling them, the term is "had". As my oldest son put it, "I used to look for my family for stability, now it is a source for love but not stability." And for what? my ex's buttery little feeling because some dirt bag chose to overstep his boundaries and start calling her "sweetie" and "sexy". I say good luck and good riddance. I, personally, would not want you back. As I said to my son the other day, "the sad thing in life is that some decisions are irreversible." I am sorry for you, you may have already gone too far. The selfishness of WSs amaze me. She says she does not want to hurt anyone meanwhile she has 5 children who she is lying to on a consistent basis and willing to throw them to the wind. Truly amazing!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You bring 5 kids into an unhappy marriage? Nice try.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your children will never forgive you. 
Your children will never accept this new man
Your children will be heart broken.

Your Husband will be destroyed. 
You will lose everything you have.
Your OM will resent your kids taking time away from him.

The sex will be amazing for a couple of years and then The OM will still fart in bed and pick his nose 


You are not unique. You are doing and saying what thousands of other women have said. There are no grey areas here. 

Your going to do it anyway so I will waste no more electrons


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

You love cake. 

But cake will make you fat and then the OM will no longer want you.

Either will your husband or your kids. 

You'll just be old, alone and fat with no cake.

#Sad



________________
Of course there is no cake under the bridge


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> I think I saw the OP under a bridge scarfing down an onion on the way home from work today.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/2117-forum-rules-please-read-first.html

There's a report button for a reason. It's so people can make a point to admins without risking a ban.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Time to wake up. 

You said you ended up falling in love with OM after you told him you were unhappy - only a month ago? Love? A month? 

You love 2 men though I think infatuation is a better description of what you have with OM.

And the fact that one of these men is the father of your 5 children doesn't even give him a slight edge? 

OM is going to wait until your oldest is older? How old? And your twins are only 2? But only if you keep in touch with him? 

The person you are forgetting in all this is your husband and how he feels right now. His wife is a cheater and was planning to get together with someone she knew when she was a teenager. 

You are now a cheater and have broken his trust. It takes years to come back if ever. Have a look at some threads to see how BS feel when they discover what's been going on. Not very pretty. 

If I were you I'd be working on how to regain my husband's trust again. 

And just how old does your eldest have to be to 'accept' a breakup. What about the younger ones?

It all sounds incredulous. 

You're not 19 any more. Tell the OM goodbye, break off contact forever and work with what you have - your family.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

OK....Imagine your life with the other man. Now imagine your husband with another woman and new wife in which you were replaced with and imagine him making love to her. If it makes you sick to your stomach than you need to stay put and cut everything off. If it does not bother you, you have already checked out of the marriage.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Stay with your husband is my advice. If you leave for OM you will lose the respect of your children and your family. That is more important in life than 'romance' which will cool in time just like they all do. 

The kids will not automatically 'love' this man, step parenting is very, very difficult at the best of times. You are overlooking all the terrible consequences here. 

JMO. 

There are more important things in life than romance.... 

You can't have two relationships at the same time without it eating your self respect up. 

There is a lot more to life than 'love'. Love has to be coupled with honesty, transparency, fidelity, to have any value. If those aren't present it's just infatuation.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I guess you would not mind if your husband had an OW on the side also whom he truly loved. I am sure it would not bother you at all if he said to you that he loves you but cannot be happy without having his OW in his life also. Finally, I am sure it would not bother you if he told you that he has cut off communications with his OW but was continuing behind your back. I am sure none of this would bother you since he has right to happy. Right?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You are another person that was living your life with a husband and 5 children and it was not the great emotional life that you wanted. So you showed your weakness and betrayed your husband, yourself, and you’re CHILDREN!

*The OM has a need that he thinks that you will fulfill and when he lives with you for a few months or years he will ditch you because you are a cheater and he is also weak and just looking for what you can give him; but you cannot give him honesty and loyalty nor can you erase his selfishness and low character.* He will find out that as exciting as it is to live in a fantasy world that reality always wins. You will also be greatly disappointed that your fantasy dreams and unreliable emotions will be crushed and you will never fully recover.

You had better get some help quickly because you are going to have to suffer the fallout. One of those fallouts will be that you have traded your weak emotions for hurting your children. You will temporarily get an emotional high with the OM but you have damaged your children’s emotions. *Spin it however you want but the bottom line is that your children will never be proud of you for choosing another man over their father. In fact they will have a hard time overlooking that so that they can continue to love you.*

You can salvage some of your family life by taking immediate action right now. Use your free will to make the right choice and get all the help you can to rebuild your family. You will need lots of help. *If you choose to follow your selfish fantasy you will wind up broken and unable to repair some of the damage you have done to your children*.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Augusto said:


> OK....Imagine your life with the other man. Now imagine your husband with another woman and new wife in which you were replaced with and imagine him making love to her. If it makes you sick to your stomach than you need to stay put and cut everything off. If it does not bother you, you have already checked out of the marriage.


Why are we reviving this old thread? OP posted once and never again. This is dead.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)




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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

First time poster with an obviously inflammatory story. I'll wait and see here


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

barbados said:


> First time poster with an obviously inflammatory story. I'll wait and see here


I hope you brought something to eat, it's going to be a long wait.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

barbados said:


> First time poster with an obviously inflammatory story. I'll wait and see here


Nothing to see. We've been had.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

The om is willing to destroy a marriage and bone a married woman, cause a divorce...sounds like a real winner

This guy is already a douche, what will he do once you and he are together, obviously its ok to sex up married women as far as hes concerned

however, your husband deserves someone better than you, you deserve the douche


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm irresponsible, immature and entitled.

I am allowing some single douche mess up the lives of a married woman and her family. He is poison. He wants to get laid and run. He does not want me or my children, actually. Just tells me what I want to hear.

What shall I do.

What part of this is confusing...?


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