# so lost in my own head



## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

I just recently found out my husband and best friend cheated on me. He had been laid off for two years and finally got a job traveling for three months with another one of our friends. We have three children 2, 5, 7 and have been married for 8 years. To further complicate things we have been living together for almost 13 years, happily i thought. While he was out of town working he would go weeks without calling me or the kids. I knew something was wrong but i was at home with our three kids. When he came home i knew something was wrong...i know him and just knew. We were in the process of shortsaleing our home and trying to find a new place to live and he kept telling me we would talk after we moved. The night we moved i broke down and hacked his phone and google account. I found pictures of the OW on his phone. I checked my cell records because i never do...i have e-bills. I was shocked to see three months of phone/text/pictures from the OW. So i confronted him and he finally fessed up to having a ONS after only being gone two weeks. Instead of feeling remorseful he continued this EA for THREE MONTHS!!! I think the only thing that stopped him was me catching him. After the big confession i told him he needed to call her with me so i could hear with my own ears it was over. Instead he called her the next time i went to work, which opened up a whole other level of betrayal. Which led to me calling her and going off on her. At this point his phone number has been changed, we have both been tested for stds-negative thank god!!! He says he wants to be with me and work on it but i just don't know. I feel like the one person i have always counted on since i was 18(i am 32 now) is someone else. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but i feel like his actions are speaking louder. Help??


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

confusedmomof3 said:


> He says he wants to be with me and work on it but i just don't know. I feel like the one person i have always counted on since i was 18(i am 32 now) is someone else. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but i feel like his actions are speaking louder. Help??


He is someone else. The husband that you've lived with, loved, trusted, and considered to be your "rock" is gone. Forever. He betrayed you in the worst way, and you will always have some of these feelings in your head. Granted, it gets easier with time, but for now, you have a different husband and a different marriage. 

You will get a lot of good feedback and advice here. People will lead you to websites and books... Read everything you can.

I hope you can worry about yourself and what YOU want, moreso than if it's you that HE wants.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

First of all I am sorry you here. I have been in your shoes, I know how you are feeling right now. Just spend some time reading through these threads. You will no doubt get some good advise here. 

I'd like to start by asking a few questions.

Has he gone NC(no contact with the woman yet?
If so how was this done?
How long ago was DD? (discovery day)?


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

confusedmomof3 said:


> So i confronted him and he finally fessed up to having a ONS after only being gone two weeks. Instead of feeling remorseful he continued this EA for THREE MONTHS!!!




This is probably a lie. I find it hard to believe he only had a ONS and continued a 3 month EA afterwords. It is likely he was physical with this woman the entire time. You are likely getting trickle truth right now. Cheaters generally admit to only a small portion of the affair at first. They like to downplay things. Be prepared to find lots more. Keep digging and asking him questions. Ask the same question over and over again from different angles. Worked for me.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

My husband was on the road working and was only in wyoming for one night. He has never been back to wyoming since so i am pretty sure that the actual sex act only happened that one night. The talking/texting was going on until the moment i confronted him. He even admitted that he probably would have slept with her again if he had saw her, he said "well i did once so i probably would have". 
At this point I do not know what I want. A part of me thinks that maybe this is the final straw in our relationship...but I just don't know.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> First of all I am sorry you here. I have been in your shoes, I know how you are feeling right now. Just spend some time reading through these threads. You will no doubt get some good advise here.
> 
> I'd like to start by asking a few questions.
> 
> ...



So yes he has gone NC with the OW. This all went down about a month ago the night before our oldest started 2nd grade 

I had told him i needed him to call her with me so I could hear with my own ears that it was over. Instead he called her when i went to work, from the car with my kids in it!!!! I freaked out and called her to see what he said to her. Yes i know bad move beause it solved nothing. She tried to call him after i called her but he didn't answer and then she texted him "your wife just called me take care of that".

I texted her back from his phone with him sitting there telling her to never try to contact him again...as if i was him. I changed his phone number the next day. 

Supposedly she does not know his last name and he does not know hers but through the magic of the internet and my awesome detective skills i found her


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.

What I'm about to say reflects only what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would accept the sadness and upset I feel, know that it's going to be a long, painful haul, but do the hard thing of serving him with divorce papers.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

_I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.___ <----this right here is so crucial, he was detaching and disengaging for three whole months, how were you coping during this noticeable absence?

Were you emotionally spent or did this lack of interaction drive you crazy? I mean I know having small children can keep one busy but this is way beyond.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

Confused. Can you give us a sense of his remorse? How is he handling the situation? Does he willingly answer your questions? Do you feel he is still hiding something? What has he been doing or saying to you to try to make you feel better? And what are your thoughts about your marriage right now? At this time, do you think you want to divorce him?

Just a little advise to you. Take your time. Make your decision for yourself. Do what you believe is the right decision for you. 

On a side note I think there is something more behind this. He would go weeks without calling you? I have been in my current relationship for over 10 years I can count only 3 days I didn't talk to my wife. 2 were after DD. I just can't wrap my head around his complete lack of interest in your marriage. 

My wife had a 2 year long affair and I still got attention from her. Granted it was mostly negative, but at least she talked to me some. Weeks with no contact is a massive red flag. Something is amiss I think.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> _I think the physical and emotional distance he created between you means that he's not really in the marriage the way you need him to be.___ <----this right here is so crucial, he was detaching and disengaging for three whole months, how were you coping during this noticeable absence?
> 
> Were you emotionally spent or did this lack of interaction drive you crazy? I mean I know having small children can keep one busy but this is way beyond.


We had been trying to save our house from foreclosure, our only option was this sent from heaven job for 90 days. Little did i know this 90 day job would disrupt my whole life. I thought it was going to save us finanancially...it did not we shortsaled our house and now are in a rental. Him not calling did drive me crazy and honestly made me wonder about us. It's a little awkward when your friends ask how your husband is and you say I don't know I haven't talked to him. At the same time he was calling and texting her unbeknowst to me. I was busy trying to hold it down at home while working also...I was in survival mode.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

calling her without you present is a bad thing, for all you know he could have made plans to go "underground" with the affair now that you have uncovered it

have him write a No Contact letter- see the newbie link in my signature for more info


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Exsquid said:


> Confused. Can you give us a sense of his remorse? How is he handling the situation? Does he willingly answer your questions? Do you feel he is still hiding something? What has he been doing or saying to you to try to make you feel better? And what are your thoughts about your marriage right now? At this time, do you think you want to divorce him?
> 
> Just a little advise to you. Take your time. Make your decision for yourself. Do what you believe is the right decision for you.
> 
> ...


When he came home he was not affectionate at all. We were in the middle of saleing the house and trying to find a new place. A very emotional time for me leaving the home we have lived in for 9 years...the home we brought our babies home to..so many memories I remember standing in the living just looking around and starting to cry (this is a week before DD) he walked right by me like I wasn't even there. Any hug I recieved from him during this was one i asked for...i knew something was wrong. I have known him for more than half of my life...i knew but he would not talk. 

When DD finally happend he still did not want to talk...he just kept saying we would talk later when things weren't so chaotic. I told him no. The first thing he said to me was that he didn't even miss me and he didn't know why. I told him i know why...you don't want to be with me. He says this is not true but I just do not know.

He says he's sorry repeatedly everyday...i just don't feel it.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> calling her without you present is a bad thing, for all you know he could have made plans to go "underground" with the affair now that you have uncovered it
> 
> have him write a No Contact letter- see the newbie link in my signature for more info


Yes the phone call made things sooooo much worse. I did text her from his phone before I changed the number. I texted the OW this

"I do not want to have any contact with you ever again, I love my wife and I've been an idiot. Do not ever try to contact me again. "

it did not make me feel better though


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

He would go weeks without calling his family, but had no problem having daily communication with OW. Weeks? Is he even a father? I hope whatever happens he starts acting like one.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

confusedmomof3 said:


> When he came home he was not affectionate at all. We were in the middle of saleing the house and trying to find a new place. A very emotional time for me leaving the home we have lived in for 9 years...the home we brought our babies home to..so many memories I remember standing in the living just looking around and starting to cry (this is a week before DD) he walked right by me like I wasn't even there. Any hug I recieved from him during this was one i asked for...i knew something was wrong. I have known him for more than half of my life...i knew but he would not talk.
> 
> When DD finally happend he still did not want to talk...he just kept saying we would talk later when things weren't so chaotic. I told him no. The first thing he said to me was that he didn't even miss me and he didn't know why. I told him i know why...you don't want to be with me. He says this is not true but I just do not know.
> 
> He says he's sorry repeatedly everyday...i just don't feel it.


You need to protect yourself in every way:

-Do your best to ensure that you can support yourself and your children, physically and financially.

- Find out for sure what has really happened with H and OW (information is power & you've been kept in the dark).

- Start taking steps to guard your heart. Force yourself to detach. Force yourself no matter how hard and painful. Mind over matter.

The sooner you take back control of your life, the sooner you start to see that it's your life to live, not your husband's to jerk around, the sooner you'll get past some of the pain.

Your children are your priority. Keep telling yourself that. It will help you to stay strong and detach.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is he still in the same job as OW? is OW married and if yes, did you tell her husband ?


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> is he still in the same job as OW? is OW married and if yes, did you tell her husband ?


He wasn't working with the OW. He met her in a bar in Wyoming one night and told me he had sex with her in a car in the parking lot...i had to drag this out of him because my active mind was thinking he rented a room and spent all night with this OW. He was working with his best guy friend for the three months going from location to location installing. I found her fiancee on fb and sent him an anonymus message spilling the truth. At this point if she really doesn't know my husbands name I don't want to provide her with it. She does not deserve to know. 

He is not working right now. He turned downed a permenant job with that company without even telling me. I think now because he doesn't trust himself.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

The bishop said:


> He would go weeks with calling his family, but had no problem having daily communication with OW. Weeks? Is he even a father? I hope whatever happens he starts acting like one.


Yes these are all the questions i have been asking myself. And normally before all of this i would say he's an awesome father. There reached a point where the majority of the texts to him from me were "call your freaking kids". So then he would call when i was at work...even though he denys doing it on purpose.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

confusedmomof3 said:


> even though he denys doing it on purpose.


it was an accident?!! whoops!! I dialed at the wrong time!!


don't you just love lies so stupid that you would laugh if it weren't so sad?


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> it was an accident?!! whoops!! I dialed at the wrong time!!
> 
> 
> don't you just love lies so stupid that you would laugh if it weren't so sad?


I have been thinking this same exact thing..


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

As far as him saying he _doesn't miss you_ don't put too much stock in that because their attention is so diverted to the new romance that of course they won't miss you----educate yourself on the whole obsession/addiction they go through during a affair. 

I'm not saying he has any excuses for what he did and continues to do, I'm saying that you can't let the words he utters during the high of the affair become your doom. I know it feels counter intuitive because surely the WS must _know_ their own heart the best but they really aren't thinking straight during this infatuation. 

It doesn't excuse, just helps explain why the BS is suddenly evicted from first position with the utmost in cruelty.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

So very sorry you are here. Geez, I'm so used to dealing with men with wayward wives, I wish I had something more for you. 

I think you need to do some deep soul searching. Yes, this is the man you've spent over half your life with. But your life isn't over. You need to decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I mean, he threw your trust away for a quickie with a floozie in a car. Just... wow.

You need to decide if he is remorseful or just sorry he got caught. It sounds like the latter to me, but I'm just words on a computer screen, I don't really know his side of the story either. Doesn't sound like there's much to his side anyway. If he is remorseful you could go the pragmatic route; kids need a dad, two incomes, etc. Recovery will take a long time. You will have to verify everything he says, keep track of his email, phone, etc. You get a life of being a spy.

If he is not remorseful (willing to do more than just say, "Oh, sorry I banged a floozie in a car in the bar parking lot"), then you could decide to cut your losses and divorce. It will be painful, it will be traumatic. But after the D you can TAKE YOUR TIME, and find a man who will treat you like you deserve.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

I haven't decided in my head if he's actually feels remorseful. I hear him saying all day "i love you" "i'm sorry, i want to be with you"...after hearing the same empty phrases repeatly with nothing to back them up you just don't know.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

confusedmomof3 said:


> ...after hearing the same empty phrases repeatly with nothing to back them up you just don't know.


Sure you do...


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## loveloss (Sep 27, 2012)

confusedmomof3 said:


> I just recently found out my husband and best friend cheated on me. He had been laid off for two years and finally got a job traveling for three months with another one of our friends. We have three children 2, 5, 7 and have been married for 8 years. To further complicate things we have been living together for almost 13 years, happily i thought. While he was out of town working he would go weeks without calling me or the kids. I knew something was wrong but i was at home with our three kids. When he came home i knew something was wrong...i know him and just knew. We were in the process of shortsaleing our home and trying to find a new place to live and he kept telling me we would talk after we moved. The night we moved i broke down and hacked his phone and google account. I found pictures of the OW on his phone. I checked my cell records because i never do...i have e-bills. I was shocked to see three months of phone/text/pictures from the OW. So i confronted him and he finally fessed up to having a ONS after only being gone two weeks. Instead of feeling remorseful he continued this EA for THREE MONTHS!!! I think the only thing that stopped him was me catching him. After the big confession i told him he needed to call her with me so i could hear with my own ears it was over. Instead he called her the next time i went to work, which opened up a whole other level of betrayal. Which led to me calling her and going off on her. At this point his phone number has been changed, we have both been tested for stds-negative thank god!!! He says he wants to be with me and work on it but i just don't know. I feel like the one person i have always counted on since i was 18(i am 32 now) is someone else. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but i feel like his actions are speaking louder. Help??



I am so sorry this happened to you! But I agree with the first poster. That man you fell inlove with and married is gone. He will never be able to be trusted again! I have been in relationships like this and it hurts like a stab to the heart. Just when your starting to let your guard down again and let loose with them, it happens again! 
I have always been a firm believer in the sayin "Once a cheater, always a cheater". He betrayed you once, how do you know hes never done this before, but never got caught? These will be things that go through your mind each time hes gone. "Is he with that other woman?, is he going to cheat on me again?, is he going to lie to me again?" and hun, thats no way to live. 

Marriage is sacred. Its only meant for husband and wife. Marriage can't fit 3 people!
You would be better off divorcing him and finding a man who knows your worth and loves only you. It will help you out tremondously in the end, and less heart ache! Trust is a very hard thing to get back, especially being betrayed like that! Keep your head up. Again I am deeply sorry!!


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

I really don't know what I am going to do. I wake up every morning hoping for clarity in my head. So far none. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor on the 9th of October...happens to be our 8th wedding anniversary also.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Keep in mind this is all fresh still. You shouldn't expect yourself to have the answers yet. In fact I would be worried if you had sharp clarity after discovering such a deep betrayal. 

This is a journey, not a pleasant one but take your time to really soul search. Don't try to jump forward so fast. 

Breath, rest, cry and breath some more.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What kind of a lowlife person is your H---he doesn't call his own wife, and kids for THREE MONTHS

Look why would you even think of staying with this jerk----

He loves you----yah right---how about that is one big lid

He doesn't have a job right now---so leaving him, is not a big deal---he can't take care of you anyway---and he sure as He*l doesn't care about his kids---or none of this would have happened

Get whatever money there is in your name---cancel all HIS CC's and file for D-----this is probably the only way you will get any ki9nd of a life back---your H., is a loser---LOSE HIM


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

jnj express said:


> What kind of a lowlife person is your H---he doesn't call his own wife, and kids for THREE MONTHS
> 
> 
> 
> > he was gone for three months, not that he didn't call the whole time...he wouldn't call for a week or two at a time, multiple times


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

since DD in August things have not necessarily gotten better My husband and i are still living together but I can't shake this feeling that we will not be together a year from now. We still have not gone to counseling due to schedule issues and insurance lapsing for a month. I hold out hope that marriage counseling will help us but honestly I am wondering if I want to be helped. The more time passes and my husband sinks into his old role makes me realize he still doesn't "get it". He crushed my soul....and he wants to move on. I have come to realize I probably gotten over the one night stand, the three month EA?? Yea not so sure on that one He wrote me a long letter about how life had dropped to an all time low the last few years...him unemployed 2 years, financial problems, losing our house, our third child born...he says all these things are what led him to make bad decisions. I was in the same effed up boat as him but I never gave up on him or us. So why is it ok that he jumped ship?? It's not I know...I just don't know if I can ever move past the lies and betrayal because I kind of hate him as much as I love him.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes there are things that can't be fixed. If I had hurt my wife this badly I would do anything to try to make it up to her. If he isn't willing to move heaven and earth to keep you right now... then maybe that's your answer. Or maybe he just needs to realize what he's losing.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

We just had our 13 year anniversary of living together on the 4th...i didn't want to celebrate it with where we are right now but at the same time I wanted him to do something! There was maybe a comment about it but that was it...i just don't understand why he isn't trying harder?? I made a really bad decision and contacted the other woman a month or so ago...talking to her was probably the worst thing I could have done, I realize that now It just opened more questions and left me more broken. 

He told me last night that he's trying to give me space so I am ok...this equals him not really talking to me about anything and going to sleep after the kids are down because he's tired from work. Oh he went back to real work for the first time in 2 years about a month ago.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Do u know exactly what u would like him to do, specifically?


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Do u know exactly what u would like him to do, specifically?


i feel like he should be trying to be a better husband. he pretty much romance some stranger via text messages for three months after his ons with her and yet i don't think I've ever felt romanced...hell i feel like we are roommates that have sex. He says he's giving me space so i will be ok but i want him to win me back because i don't feel like his wife. Making the marriage counseling appt and getting a questionable tattoo covered would be an awesome start. i feel like i am just waiting and watching his actions to determine where the he'll we are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Obviously I don't know the whole story and the dynamics of your marriage...

I will hazard a guess, and bet that you are a really 'sweet' person.. I'd also guess that the consequences for his actions were minor in 
the grand scheme of things. Those things makes rug sweeping, fairly easy and trust me, all DS's want to and will sweep as much as possible under the rug.

But u said you would like him to "win you back"...

Do you really think he felt he lost you?

you mentioned something earlier, you couldn't understand why he's not trying harder... 

Although there's probably more to it.. One of the core issues here is that your husband takes you for granted.

It's highly likely that he never really thought he lost you.

You have work to do, that work doesn't guarantee anything and there's a chance that when you take action what you find out will be hard to face. You might quickly find the cross road between 'settling' and divorce. 

you deserve the life and love your heart desires. Are you prepared to go get it? To find out if your husband will give it to you?

He needs to be shook up.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

I am not sure what you mean by 'sweet'??

...i am a woman who has been in love with the same man since he was a boy. We have been together committed together happily (i thought) for 13 years this month. I have worked for the same company for this entire time and my husband has been childlike one. I have sucked it up for years with the promise of staying home with my babies fulltime. Does that explain a little of the dynamics? 

and I totally agree with you that he does not feel like he has lost me at all. and I want him to. as horrible as it sounds i want him to hurt and cry and geniunely show that he's scared as hell to see what could be...all because he decided to screw a stranger in a parking lot of a bar (who the hell does that?? the actual parking lot!!) and then continue a 3 month texting long distance thing.

I've asked him to leave multiple times because i feel like he needs to be away...he won't go. Honestly i need his help with the kids right now so i guess that's why I don't trip out and literally throw his lying cheating ass out...and the fact that I love him 

my life makes me laugh at the incredible screwed up mess...i think i might be depressed or seriously broken.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

oh and just to clarify we both did have other relationships in the past so it's not like he's the only person I've been with and vice versa...we were bestfriends before anything and that hurts the most


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

confusedmomof3 said:


> I've asked him to leave multiple times because i feel like he needs to be away...he won't go. Honestly i need his help with the kids right now so i guess that's why I don't trip out and literally throw his lying cheating ass out...*and the fact that I love him*


I felt the same way...until I realized I was in love with the person I THOUGHT he was NOT who he is in reality. Now I look back at all our years together and they are one big fat lie, because the person I loved could never do what he did to me.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

confusedmomof3 said:


> I am not sure what you mean by 'sweet'??.


I'm so sorry I didnt have a chance to comeback and clarify what I meant and complete my thoughts.

By 'sweet' I didn't mean anything negative, I understand how you feel. Now, I understand some of the dyanamics a little better. I know your in a really bad spot. It's always so incredibly complicated, These are our lives we are talking about. Kids, histories, homes, everything makes it so tough.

FWIW. If your still checking in, I would be happy to try to help. At least offer what I know and some suggestions on where to go from here.


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

I am still here and still lost in my head. It's been rough. We were supposed to have our first marriage counseling appt today roughly 5 months after dday. I say supposed because after finally getting the kids covered, and his and my work schedule finally working...it still didn't work. the counselor at the "intake" process said your insurance doesn't cover couples therapy. I don't know what to say at this point. They'll pay for the counseling the kids will need if we divorce but not us to stay together?? The cruel irony of everything is amazing to me. So now he has an appt for individual counseling and I have an intake appt. I am beginning to think this is all so pointless...i am never going to forget this sadness i feel engulfed in.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

There is no way to erase it so it will always be there, it will lessen over time! Stay strong!


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## confusedmomof3 (Sep 27, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> There is no way to erase it so it will always be there, it will lessen over time! Stay strong!


I question if it will ever lessen...I had my first individual counseling appt this week and i felt like dday all over again.


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