# messy story..



## bikeguy43 (Sep 13, 2012)

all right. New to the forum. Looks like a great place to discuss some serious ****. I will jump right in. 

About 3 years ago, I found out my wife was having an affair. We had only been married for about 3 years, and I started feeling some serious disconnect. She became distant, our fights turned to battles, and she started saying horrible things about me, my family, my career, my friends, my sexual performance, pretty much everything. I started to wonder if there was somebody else, and with the good old fashioned Cell phone check, I found out that she had been communicating with this guy for about 3 months. There were literally 800+ test messages/ phone calls in less than a 3 month window. I exposed it, she claimed it was just a friend Yadda yadda. She said it would be no big deal to quit the 'friendship" But I could feel it was still going on. 

I did all the creepy stuff, checked her e-mail, her phone, etc. I started to notice that she had been visiting another free email site, that she had never previously used, so I installed a spy program on her computer and found a handful of horrible messages where she was planning her future with the other guy. I immediately went to his house, where he met me at the door with a shot gun. We talked it out, I remained calm, yet wanted to rip his head off. Anyhow, it still went on for another month or so. I was being lied to, until I got angry and ****ed up at a lunch with her, got a DUI on the way home due to an argument on the side of the road. 

At some point during that time, I began to give up. And I ended up hooking up with 2 different girls, one of whom was one of her best friends. I know, totally wrong, but at the time it felt good, and gave me confidence that I could move on and meet other women. The DUI put it all in perspective for us, and somehow we decided to work on our ****. She never found out about the other girls. 

Fast forward 3 years. We were doing good, made a big move across the country, and all was good for our family. 2 small kids that I did not mention before. 

Somehow my past came out, one of her friends told her that she had heard a story about me and the friend. Other girl, and one other, were still a secret. I admitted to the one, but did not admit to the others. A few more weeks go by, and somebody else said something that made her ask if there was anything else. I knew I was cornered and admitted to to other hook ups, but they were basically drunken make-out sessions, no emotional attachment, no emotional affair. 

Sooooo. Wife is mad, she goes on a work trip to a foreign country less than 3 days after learning of the additional 2 girls. Her second night there she has sex with a local that we both know. I don't know the story, but I had some suspicions and she admitted to it. I kind of knew she might retaliate in this way, so I almost expected it. After confronting her, she was apologetic, but I had to deal with her being in that same location in a different country for another 8 days. I was totally going crazy, Crazy, Crazy. I did not want my marriage to end. 

She arrived at home, and seemed apologetic and excited to be home. I was pretty ****ing wrecked, but she seemed to be positive about working on things. We went to 2 marriage counciling sessions in one week, and started to really look at our issues. But I quickly felt some sort of weirdness from her, a total numbness. Again, I look at her email, and she has 20 or more messages from a guy she met her last day of her trip. Started casual, and quickly turned sexual. I confronted her, and even called the guy and told him to back off. 

Sooo, now I am pretty much in the worst spot of my life. Our **** is so gross and turbulent that there is not much hope. But I honestly still want to work it out. I want to work it out so bad for our family, for us, i don't want to be alone. I don't want to be away from my kids. 

But both of our jobs require extensive travel, and now I am going crazy every moment she, or I am away. I am not eating, I am weak, and am loosing all motivation for work and life. 

I am doing everything I can do, I am telling her I want to work it out, I am doing all the things she wishes I did. Dishes, laundry, house projects. But she has yet to try at all with me, she is distant, and feels like she is done. I don't trust her, and I feel like she is just buying time to find the next best thing so she can leave. me. 

Thants my life. Thank you if you actually read this whole saga.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

So she finds out, then goes and has another affair. At this point neither of you is in the right or wrong. Flip the script as you shouldn't be the one doing everything. Both of you have to.

Also stop using sex to get back at each other jesus.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So her on going cheatng and long and humiliating you is all forgotten, but she finds out you as a couple of cheat ONS during that time and her response is to quickly hook up, followed by starting a relationship with another guy?

So at a minimum she now up at least one sex partner more than you, and your approach is to try to be nicer to her?

You are doing it wrong. See how mad she got, hs she reacted emotionally, you need to be acting that way. You need her to be busting her tail to be given a fourth chance to be with you.

Frankly, she really really does not seem to care about you or value the marriage. If there was love there she would be fighting for the arrange instead of using long past history as justification to start jumping into bed with every guy that comes along.

She's playing you. And the way you are reacting is like a complete doormat.

And being a doormat is going to loose this war for you.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bro...it ain't just what you're doing for her, it's what you're BOTH doing for your marriage. I mean, if she ain't into it, man...then she ain't into it and you're spinning your wheels. She f'd up, then you f'd up, then she f'd up again. WTF, man?! Seriously. I ain't trying to be a jerk, but you guys gotta check your sh-t.

You need to sit down with her and ask straight up what she wants. Tell her what you want. Then both of ya's figure this out. Otherwise, it's like going to the burnout pit with a new tire. Sounds like a good idea, but it's dumber than sh-t.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So her on going cheatng and long and humiliating you is all forgotten, but she finds out you as a couple of cheat ONS during that time and her response is to quickly hook up, followed by starting a relationship with another guy?
> 
> So at a minimum she now up at least one sex partner more than you, and your approach is to try to be nicer to her?
> 
> ...


Treat the above post as your new gospel. 

You CANNOT nice away an affair or nice a woman back in a marriage. 

*Trying to be the nice guy and doing the dishes just emasculates you in her eyes and makes you much less attractive to her. *

Get mad, her past history is no excuse for her to open her legs for the nearest person with a Y chromosome.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Looks like you both like to cheat when upset . Not one of you are thinking about the kids. All this cheating and telling lies.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

bikeguy43 said:


> I am doing everything I can do, I am telling her I want to work it out, I am doing all the things she wishes I did. Dishes, laundry, house projects. But she has yet to try at all with me, she is distant, and feels like she is done. I don't trust her, and I feel like she is just buying time to find the next best thing so she can leave me.


You have to treat this as if your own errors did not happen. Find the 180 etc. on this forum. 'Kick her out' mentally.

Only if she shows remorse you will continue with her, otherwise she can go.

Your own errors will then later on help you in a possible reconciliation to forgive her and take her back. I think you own that to her. 

But not let her get away with her affairs now. Take a hard stand, the best way in many cases to get your wife back. Others will give you better advise on this matter.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

"About 3 years ago, I found out my wife was having an affair. We had only been married for about 3 years, and I started feeling some serious disconnect. She became distant, our fights turned to battles, and she started saying horrible things about me, my family, my career, my friends, my sexual performance, pretty much everything."

I don't think (obviously) the issues she had back 3 years ago have been resolved. You see, if you want to work on the marriage, you need to pin point why she became distant, started calling you/family names, and make pokes at your sexual performence.

As other posts have referrenced, both of you have tallies marks for cheating on eachother, but you are the one doing all the work (in your mind) to try and recover the relationship.

When you started "everything she wishes I did", did you give her any areas you would like her to work on? Marriage is a two way street, you need to have her onboard with issues you have towards her (the distance, etc.)

You have already claimed you want this to work out, so try to get to the bottom of why she started to become so distant. Any thoughts on why it all started 3 years ago?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry OP but this marriage is beyond dysfuntional.

The way you treat each other is a huge neon sign telling the two of you that you shouldn't be married.

End it now for the kids sake. remain civil and fair for the kids but it;s time to stick a toe tag on this and call it


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You truly deserve each other.

Congratulations, in a few more years you will have totally destroyed your children raising them in your totally dysfunctional marriage.

You both should be ashamed of your actions.

You need to tell your wife if she ever cheats again you will D her.

And you and your wife need serious counselling to try to repair all the damage done to your marriage.


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