# Predicting triggers



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

It's like I can see a few impending triggers on the horizon.

My birthday is Saturday, and last year, a mere six days after my birthday, my wife carried her very inappropriate conversations with a new co-worker to the physical level. I found out about two weeks later, on July 2. Since that time, whenever I think back to the surprise birthday dinner she organized for me last year, the images of that supposedly great evening with friends has what's like a DVD commentary track playing over it, reminding me that, during that same time, she was having sexual conversations with him and was less than a week away from crossing over that next line. Being the weekend of DDay, the Fourth of July weekend wasn't all that fun, either.

Since that time, we've begun reconciling and made progress. We've also had some setbacks (some major one's, at that) that nearly torpedoed the reconciliation and marriage. But, things are improving again, helped greatly by our joint research and conclusion that she is a sex/love addict and her seeking help and support for her addiction.

This year, as my birthday approaches, it feels like it could be a trigger for me. Nothing major is planned...a night out for dinner and entertainment with a few close friends. I'm concerned that as we approach the anniversary of her PA and DDay following shortly after, that whole couple of weeks is going to come flooding back to me like a kick to the head and gut. I've told her that it feels like I might trigger in the next few weeks, and she's prepared for it. I'd hoped that seeing them potentially coming would help lessen their impact, but instead, as my birthday draws closer it's like it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Has anyone else had these sort of predictable triggers, and if so, how did they impact you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Triggering around events is a big issue for my wife, but not because of affairs. She lost her mother, father and brother within a short period, and has major triggers on special days, holidays and the anniversaries of their deaths, sending her into a deep depression each time. Since she is bipolar, these cycles can lead to a deeper manic cycle. 

One thing that has really helped is for me to take charge of the dates and make them very different than an atmosphere that might trigger. Like her birthday (as yours). Before, her birthday was a day that she spent with extended family, because they are close. Now, I might throw a surprise costume party with friends. Or, I'll reserve a room on the floor of the nearby luxury hotel reserved for the company I work for, and just spend it alone. On Thanksgiving, we now go to the beach of all places, instead of spending it with family. We spent a recent Christmas in Sun Valley, a ski resort, without spending alot of money.

If your wife wants to avoid this, and if its not too late, it would be a good idea to propose a trip to a place you've always wanted to go, or anything other than a party. That's just asking for trouble. If its too late, it might even help if you change the atmosphere somehow. Maybe make it a Roaring 20's theme party, or something. I understand the risk. It can make it hard to enjoy yourself.

Your story just hits like a punch to the gut. I'm sorry for the pain you must feel.

Hope it helps.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

This is why I called it quits- Don't want to trigger; Don't need to trigger.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know where you're coming from. Like you, I know the timeline of the A, so for me, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines Day are triggers. The only difference between your situation and mine was during the period of the A, my WW was distant and depressed and didn't even try to hide it. She simply sat on the couch, stared into space, and went to bed early for no apparent reason. Of course I learned it was so she could get up early in the morning to call OM. Those were the most depressing holidays in our whole marriage and totally out of character for her. Those were huge red flags for me. 

This year, she made the effort to make those holidays special. In the morning, I would trigger, and I would tell her about it. She kept hugging me and apologizing, comforting me. I think thats the only way. You're on the right track because you've told your WW that your birthday is a trigger for you and she is prepared. She needs to hold you in the morning, apologize, and comfort you until it passes. That is about the only thing you can do.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I know man. This whole summer has been a trigger for me. Father's day is going to be hard. My B-day in early July is going to be worse. I know every time it happened due to texts and CC receipts. Scoured the hard drive on the PC and know way more than I want to. If I can get though this summer with out leaving I think we can make this work. As far as the triggers go.... well if she wants to stay she will deal with me having them.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like being an junkie in recovery, isn't it? So what do they tell the junkies? Don't hang around the people you used with. Don't hang around the places where you used. Don't do the things that used to make you use. Don't make excuses.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Triggers are there and you can minimize them by avoiding situations where they are likely to happen and/or remove triggering items from your life. But the reality is that you're going to trigger. It does get easier over time. At one point I wrote down all my triggers and there were over 50. Now there are only a handful of things that get to me. And even when I see the OM (in my broad social circle), I mostly just feel slightly annoyed.

Avoid situations if you can. Talk to your lady about when you trigger and help her to minimize them. But time, is the real answer.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As far as holidays go...Thanksgiving and Christmas will be when I am worried about "triggering". I'm already trying to mentally prepare myself. Hopefully the actual dates that will bother me will pass without me giving them a second thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> This is why I called it quits- Don't want to trigger; Don't need to trigger.


I don't even think it's that though (that quitting will stop triggers). I am already divorced and still remember every single day. It never goes away. 

Does anyone else think about it every day?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I know I'm relatively new to this - only 6 weeks since DDay, but to be perfectly honest, I trigger more when I spend time on this site. I still feel good talking things through and reading posts, but when I take a 3-4 day break from coming on here, I usually feel pretty good. I come back on and it brings it all to the forefront again. It's like a sick addiction.

My recommendation is to focus on other things - get off this site for awhile - it only feeds the monster, especially during this really delicate period. See how you get through it, then come back later and let us know. Lamenting about it on these forums is just making it worse. Distract yourself from this situation and do other things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with yo Gabriel. Reading all of these stories is very depressing and a trigger in and of itself.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Back when I found forums like this last year, just reading people's stories triggered me big time. I only registered on this site back in February, as I was mostly on SI, LS, CC, and another one. After reading thousands of stories (I was obsessed), especially the ones worse than my own, I just kind of got numb and stopped triggering. 

Oh, and BTW, June 12 was the 1st anniversary of my DDay, and surprisingly, it didn't trigger me at all. I guess there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

I would imagine it would be different if I was still in limbo and living with an unremorseful WW and without knowing if she was still in the affair or not.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

There are triggers everywhere for me. I do not regret divorcing my exH after the hell he put me through but everywhere I go, there is something. I drive past his former job, twice a day, where the affair started. He even admitted to them having sex there. I also drive past the place they would go out on little dates together everyday as it's on the same block as his old job. Even the street I live on sparks triggers for me as that's where I finally caught him with her, parked in her car together just 2 houses down from mine. I did rid my house of him though. Anything that had a memory of him attached to it, I got rid of. My house feels better now.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I hear ya. I've voiced the thought a couple of times that sometimes, TAM is a big help, and sometimes, it's just kinda picking at the scab.

It's less the events of tomorrow night that have me concerned with triggering...it's the timeframe of the next few weeks in and of itself. When my triggers hit, it tends to not be when I'm with a group, so I'll probably be fine while we're out. Once we're home, though, it could be a different story. It's just an odd feeling to sort of see them coming, instead of being blindsided by them. Not sure if it's a better feeling or worse...but certainly different.

Thanks for the input, everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Birthday weekend was fine. Closest I came to a trigger was just getting really hacked off at the season/series finale of _Secret Diary of a Call Girl_ when we caught up on the last few episodes last Thursday night. Without spoiling details for anyone who watches, I just wanted to throw something heavy at the screen when Hannah/Belle made the decision she did.

Next up, this Friday and the first anniversary of my wife going beyond talk with another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Oddly enough, it wasn't anything to do with the A that started my trigger this weekend. It was receiving word on Friday that on online game I've enjoyed for about 8 years is shutting down in December. Maybe it's because the news was about an ending...I don't know. But the OM and the A were circling my thoughts all weekend. Yesterday, my wife confided in a friend (and this morning, in me) that he keeps popping into her head, too. She contacted her SLAA sponsor about it this morning and talked her way through, so as not to act upon it or communicate with him.

Not looking forward to this coming weekend, and the anniversary of DDay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

I understand exactly what you were speaking about when you were dreading the upcoming "anniversary" date of many of the events in your wife's affair. June 10th was D-day for my husbands affair. His affair lasted about 18 months. We reconciled in July of last year. I truly dreaded the month of June rolling around this year because I knew it would trigger all sorts of pain for me. I actually broke down and started a very intense conversation with my husband the evening before the anniversary. I just wanted to tell him how I was going to react based on tomorrow's date and the "anniversary" of his affair coming up. He actually got a little upset and thought that I was making a "celebration" of a horrible day by even remembering it in such a way. But, how could I not remember it that way? That was the day my world came crashing down! I have a freakin' calendar........I know what day my world stopped and I will always remember that date!

Anyway, by confronting him about how it was going to trigger me into who-knows-what type of mood, I actually felt much better just to get it out of my system and when the "anniversary" day came, I felt much better about it and it wasn't even an issue. It only crossed my mind for a second or two that day and then I would just move on with other thoughts. 

Hopefully, after the first year it will be easier for you and as each year passes, it won't be the horrible event you build it up to be in our mind.


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