# Should I Stay or Should I Go?



## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey guys,

I really need advice from you all. It's a difficult subject for me to bring up with my family members, I think they'd be devastated. Here is my quick story:

Been with my wife for 12 years and married for 9. We tend to get along fine, I am not physically or mentally abusive to her and vice versa. We have two children, both girls who are 12 and 9. I love her and she loves me. She calls me her "family" BUT here is my problem:

She just isn't interested in me sexually any more. Intimacy has really gone down hill lately and I even have a tough time approaching her for a hug or kiss. She tells me she is going through a "valley" right now and is not sure there will ever be another peak. However, she really ENJOYS the attention of other men. She has low self-esteem and really gets a buzz off of guys noticing her. She tends to flirt AGGRESSIVELY. I am left out in the cold. She is a very attractive woman and does get easily noticed. I told her that her excessive flirting bugs me and she did at least understand that her behavior is hurting me. 

But here is the real "bugaboo". I told her that I still love her and wanted to please her and she told me back that SHE DOESN'T CARE WHETHER SHE PLEASES ME OR NOT. Pleasing me doesn't interest her in the slightest. WOW! Brutal honesty.

Right now she wants to stay married for the kids and for financial reasons. I love my kids, I want them to have a home with a mom AND a dad but can I really live with a wife who really doesn't give a rip if she pleases her husband or not?!

We are not up for counseling of any sort. I am really stuck on this one, should I remain in this marriage or is it time to move on for me?

Thanks all for taking the time to read this,

Doc


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I know it's easy to say but I know I would offer to work on it and talk it out, therapy whatever, if that didn't work I would leave. Not for the lack of sex alone, but mainly the disrespect.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

martino said:


> I Not for the lack of sex alone, but mainly the disrespect.


:iagree:

You say she loves you but her actions really contradict that. She doesn’t care if she pleases you and is only staying for the kids and financial reasons. Sorry you really need to read between the lines. If that is all she is about then leave the marriage and move on. If you want to save it then I strongly suggest couple counseling to define the “real” problems in the relationship. The flirting with other men and not giving a rat’s butt about your feelings, needs and concerns is a huge flag. Demand that she go to counseling with you or you will find yourself in a worse position then you are now and quick.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Thanks for the input,


I'm really torn here. We DO seem to get along just fine, we joke around with each other it's just that there is no fire or passion in our marriage. I think there is a level of disrespect from her. We are more like "buddies" than husband and wife. I asked her about now wanting or caring to please me and she said she felt that way "at the time". She does care for me....I think.


Doc


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

Sex money and children arent those the things we mostly have problems with well when we have problems do we just up and leave the answer is no your situation is hard to answer because I would
have to know a few things do you and your wife have date nights and do things without the children women for the most part hate mondane they like things to be interesting and challenging they put alot of self worth in the way they feel if they dont get enough attention they will try to get it elsewhere to feel good about themselves they need to know that they are beutiful and very appreciated what is your wifes love language is it gifts, quality time,words of affirmation,family comittment,or other, a very important thing to know she may say she doesnt care if she pleases you well if you get her feeling right about you and herself she will do it automatically because she will want to when was the last time you two spent time alone on a romantic get away when you do have sex do you try to make it interesting or do you do the same thing everytime with children around I know it is hard to get to wild maybe you two should go get a hotel room and get real crazy if you know what I meen to spice things up you have to work on spicing things up it doesnt happen on its own well good luck and God Bless :banghead:


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## stevefdl (May 30, 2009)

I'm in the same boat, so know that you're not alone.

I am pretty much at wit's end. I am a loving and good father, with 2 wonderful daughters. I am a reliable bread winner, and try to lead the household by example.

We have a wonderful family life.

But...the lack of my wife's sex drive is killing me. I can't sleep, which leads to messed up hormones, and makes things worse.

It's to the point where I am so frustrated I don't even want her touching me...I know it's false hope. Every night she zones at the TV, goes to bed and reads, and is completely happy.

She has that happy family life that women dream of. 

Our sex life has always been a struggle. And I have worked and worked and worked on myself, trying to adapt and not be selfish. But I am about to give up.

I have been actively browsing websites for extra marital affairs. I haven't taken the step yet, but I am at the summit. I keep waiting for something to pull me back. But I know it's a fool's dream.

I have tried everything, from patience to spontaneity to romance (of course). Nothing changes.

My only point? You're not alone.

I never want to put my children through a broken home. So a discreet affair is looking more and more like an option. But then again, it might make me more bitter.

And so the worm turns, my sleep dwindles, and the years pass...


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

As a woman, I agree it is not easy to be sexually available every time my husband needs me. I think many men place sex as the number one priority in a marriage. I can think of a dozen other aspects of my marriage I would rather improve. Being best friends and parenting beautiful children is a wonderful thing. Why give it up, just because your wife is having a dry spell? The aggressive flirting may become a bigger issue, especially if it develops into an affair. I hope you can find out what is more appealing about these other men. Good luck.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

this is about more than just a sexual dry spell.

i don't understand why counseling is not an option.

it may be your only option.

if your wife refuses to seek counseling then you need to go alone.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't want to bog things down with a long explanation, but I am very aware of your position.
Here is the elevator pitch of what I did. Please note, I'm not suggesting this as a good approach, but it made our direction clear.

Tried a variety of 'positive' approaches to increasing intimacy, emotional closeness and sex. Little to no result.
Engaged her in counseling. She wasn't invested in addressing the issue.
So I stopped behaving in the manner that she came to expect. I put my needs, and wants first. If I wanted to make plans, I made them - I didn't consult her. If she didn't complete some task or obligation, previously I would offer help or to take care of it. Instead, I called her out.

I did this under the belief that I was giving what I was getting. My hope was, that she would acknowledge how serious the issues between us were and would engage in addressing them. She didn't. 

The onus of 'making things work' was on me. When I stopped making them work. It all fell apart. Within weeks I moved out, and she began a physical affair with the gentleman that she had been having an emotional affair with.

The way I look at it, was what I did helpful? Definitely not. But it expedited exactly what was going to happen anyway. If she wanted to save the marriage - the time to do so was when it was falling apart, and she chose to pursue another relationship instead.

So, those wonderful times that you have as a 'family' that you keep talking about? What do you expect she will want to do if you stop enabling what she wants, and start behaving in a manner that _you_ want?

For the record, spouse and I have had fits and starts for months, but we are divorcing. We still manage those family times that both of us enjoy with our kids.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

*So much for my brief explanation*


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> As a woman, I agree it is not easy to be sexually available every time my husband needs me. I think many men place sex as the number one priority in a marriage. I can think of a dozen other aspects of my marriage I would rather improve. Being best friends and parenting beautiful children is a wonderful thing. Why give it up, just because your wife is having a dry spell? The aggressive flirting may become a bigger issue, especially if it develops into an affair. I hope you can find out what is more appealing about these other men. Good luck.


That's the cruel irony, Sensitive.

I won't generalize for all guys, but I can tell you without question in my case, if things are clicking in the sex department - I will be actively engaged in improving those other areas.
Whereas if I understand the flip-side, if the woman feels that many other aspects of the relationship aren't meeting her needs, she _isn't_ going to want to have sex.

Sex isn't the end-all-be-all of what makes a marriage, but it's undoubtedly the canary in the coal mine. If there are problems in the bedroom, other, potentially catastrophic problems will follow.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> As a woman, I agree it is not easy to be sexually available every time my husband needs me. I think many men place sex as the number one priority in a marriage. I can think of a dozen other aspects of my marriage I would rather improve. Being best friends and parenting beautiful children is a wonderful thing. Why give it up, just because your wife is having a dry spell? The aggressive flirting may become a bigger issue, especially if it develops into an affair. I hope you can find out what is more appealing about these other men. Good luck.


Many men view sex as an outlet of their emotional connection with their wife. The rejection of that connection doesn't do anyone any favors. Who wants to be best friends with someone who doesn't understand their need for sexual intimacy? 

It can become messy if sex is last on your list of things to work on, but first on the husbands.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds to me like she is staying with you for financial reasons only as she says she loves you but then acts like she doesn't even like you.
I don't know... you could maybe get a little creative and play some
sex games involving role playing...
the thing about the situation is this, you may divorce her and come to find out other women are going to be the same way...
( after all you picked her and we tend to pick the same type person over and over)

so choose carefully
because you could end up in the same position
with another woman who just wants to use you for financial reasons
PLUS have a big child support payment to pay every month too being sent to your ex.
Being broke and unhappy would be seriously no fun.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like she has no sexual interest in YOU, but her libido may be suppressed, not low. She is at high risk for an affair, then. I was in this position--tamping down my libido as long as I could b/c I couldn't stand sex with my husband. He pretty much refused to listen to what I needed, for years, so over time it became harder and harder for me to "indulge" him. And that's all it was, b/c it wasn't any fun for me. Finally, I couldn't do it at all. So, I realized it was hopeless and told him I was leaving. We have been great partners and I just see it as things "running their course," and am relieved and even excited to be moving on. He's crushed, but he had so many chances to make things work better. I don't know if your wife is reacting b/c she feels you have not met her expressed needs (and not just in the bedroom), but I think she's given you a clear sign it's time to move on. Can you do that, without bitterness and anger, just accepting that what you had is gone? if you can, you can separate/divorce as friends, and each find happiness elsewhere. Be sure to do individual counseling, however, so you don't make the same mistakes again (although you may make different ones). If not, insist on joing counseling--she will either try, or decide NOT to try--"counseling isn't for us" is NOT an option if you actually want to save the marriage, by the way. But, if either of you is unwilling, end it now before you hate each other/before one of you has an affair. Much, much better for the kids if you remain good friends!! 

Sorry; this sounds in some ways much harsher than intended! When attraction dies between two people, it takes 2 to fix it. And if her interest in you has waned, there may be very little you alone can do to fix it. So better for your kids for you to forgive and move on amicably. Very hard, but you WILL be happy again down the road; have faith!


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

If you are leaning towards an affair that's a CRY for help. Ask her to talk tell her it's important to the fate of your marriage, give her the opportunity to address it. If she chooses not to then that's your sign that you need to go. Don't wait until after the affair to leave, do so prior to cheating. Cheating hurts severly and deeply regardless of whether the other person "drove you away" or not.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

yes, that is what I was trying to say--leave before you cheat, b/c cheating is SO hurtful!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> yes, that is what I was trying to say--leave before you cheat, b/c cheating is SO hurtful!


cheating is hurtful but leaving is as well.


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## notsopeachy (Jun 10, 2009)

This is the boat I never thought I would be in, but I am. I have been married to my husband for 22 years and have a wonderful 14 year old son who idolizes us both...it would break my heart to have to shatter the idea of mom and dad married for him. My husband has become a person I don't know. Maybe it's a midlife crisis...I don't know, but this man has no interest in me at all. He is brutally honest that he doesn't want sex, but that's really the least of our problems. He doesn't love or cherish me anymore like he used to and I just can't make sense of it. I've tried to talk to him, to no real avail. He says "I don't even know I've changed...sorry I'm hurting you, but I don't mean to" blah blah blah. I don't know where it's all going. We tried counseling, but he didn't really give it a go. Moving on scares me to death.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

Maybe you could go to counceling by yourself if she can't go with you. I would say you need to stay married for another 9 years, until your kids are grown. Be pleasant with each other. I would focus on getting myself in great physical shape. With or without your spouse, no one can take that away. Exercise will help your emotions and your thinking. It will make you strong. It will be a positive. Play with your kids and enjoy them while you have them. In my situation, we couldn't have any. 
If she still doesn't change her mind about your relationship, at least you'll be in good shape, for the future.
Good Luck to you, sincerely.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> cheating is hurtful but leaving is as well.


But leaving is honest.


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