# I don't want sex after finding husbands porn.



## ashevilwilliams (5 mo ago)

So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back. 

So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did. 

Fast forward about a week and I was asking him to look at what the baby was doing. Asked him multiple times and he was glued to his phone. When he stepped out, I decided to look through his phone and there was a porn site pulled up. He said he was just curious about what NSFW means and he forgot to close the page but he doesn't watch porn. 

I checked his phone again because I didn't believe him and he had deleted his history. So I looked at his history in Google accounts and found other stuff. He admitted to watching porn after that first fight but not jerking off because he felt bad. "I had to come back with a boner I was trying to hide from you." He said the reason he did was because of the fight and he felt alone.

I told him I saw other stuff and it became another fight. Escalated and he said he was sick of me again and was going to leave. Begged him to stay. He did. 

I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again. 

But - I can't get my sex drive back up. I feel even uglier. I feel fat. I feel gross. And I feel like I have to have sex so I don't loose him to porn - so it takes away the intimacy. I'm starting to dread sex tbh. 

Hoooow do I not feel this way? Anyone who's gone through this or have some resources to throw my way?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I can't speak for your H, but I can tell you that I would much rather have sex with the woman I love than to watch porn and masturbate. However, having said that, I have watched porn to revive my ability to fantasize during masturbation when I have gone long periods without couples sex.

I'm not attracted to the women of porn because I don't love them nor can I touch or interact with them. I only watch it to bring back the past memories of sexual encounters. Porn is just a tool for me to use occasionally to help me to take care of my needs. 

Being stuck in a sexless marriage for a very long time, was not pleasant. Since you have just had a baby, your H is going through a bit of a famine. Please cut him some slack and try to find a way to bring your attraction to him back up.

I'm sure that you are not ugly, fat, or gross. I'm sure your H just wants you, and is waiting for you to be ready. As a man, I'm not sure of any resources/books/websites to help you out. I will say that the largest sex organ is your brain. Try to use it and please stop dreading sex. You and your H both need sex to keep your marriage intact!

JMHO!


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## ashevilwilliams (5 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> I can't speak for your H, but I can tell you that I would much rather have sex with the woman I love than to watch porn and masturbate. However, having said that, I have watched porn to revive my ability to fantasize during masturbation when I have gone long periods without couples sex.
> 
> I'm not attracted to the women of porn because I don't love them nor can I touch or interact with them. I only watch it to bring back the past memories of sexual encounters. Porn is just a tool for me to use occasionally to help me to take care of my needs.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response and I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment. 

Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.
> 
> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM
There are a wide range of opinions about porn and it’s use by either or both spouses in a relationship.

However there’s not much disagreement that if you consider it off limits in your marriage, then a violation of that boundary is a violation of trust.

Some people consider it infidelity and you do not have to be ok with it. It’s NOT a ‘guy thing’ that you have to accept.

You sex drive is understandably affected in the same way it would be if he cheated in a non-virtual affair _and still continues it!!_

You shouldn’t focus on your libido, focus instead on dealing with this betrayal.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ashevilwilliams said:


> Thank you for your response and I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment.
> 
> Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.


You've been married how long? Just the one kid? Did you have discussions about sex and boundaries and even honesty beforehand? What you see as gaslighting, on his part, is very definitely gaslighting. But it may arise from extreme embarrassment, and painting him into a corner where he's going to believe (and maybe this is the case) that you see something he might not want to admit to or talk about... such as masturbation... as a violation of your marriage. And so you've got something most men don't want to admit to AND possibly something that rises to the level of something absolutely not allowed. Bad things come from that, if not addressed beforehand or handled badly now.

Again, gaslighting is wrong, period. But you do need to give him permission to be honest, and that you won't blow a gasket at his disclosures.

And if this is your first kid? He feels like he's been replaced. Even you don't feel like you have time or energy for something that used to be important. 

He may feel more guilty about the porn use than you can imagine. Don't build on that! De-escalate. Stress being open and prioritize things. Gas-lighting is a the top of the bad stuff. Porn is not the danger that gas-lighting is. Porn could be a really bad thing, or it could be a coping mechanism. I view porn a bit differently than most; I think it's like gambling, something some people just can't handle, while others can go now and then and no big deal. Assuming we're talking about relatively-tame porn, not the really weird stuff. If he has escalated to the really weird stuff, then he's got a problem that should be addressed. But otherwise, aim the big guns elsewhere, if you can. And if you need counseling, get it.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

The lying about it isn't right...but I'd be far more concerned that he doesn't feel he can be open and honest to you about things that are pretty typical for an adult male.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don’t blame you. If that were happening in my house I too would find my husband less attractive. I’d be self conscious and it would naturally lead to less sex.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don’t blame you. If that were happening in my house I too would find my husband less attractive. I’d be self conscious and it would naturally lead to less sex.


Especially right after childbirth, when your body is still jacked up and your hormones are crazy. 😔


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry but what a douche of a husband. You had only given birth 3 weeks prior and he felt you "had a tone"? You were exhausted! Your body was in the early stages of healing ffs.

Next time he tells you he's leaving, tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. NEVER BEG for him to stay.

If you were 6 months post partum my response would be different, but you're not even 2 months. 

Porn is disgusting and damages marriages. I completely understand your feelings and would feel the same way x


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unfortunately, some men don't understand what it means to be pregnant, having a baby and nursing a baby. It seems you have one of those faulty specimens... he will learn. I hope.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ashevilwilliams said:


> I still think he watches porn, which upsets me but the gaslighting around it upset me more so I don't want to ask about it ever again.
> 
> But - I can't get my sex drive back up.


You are juggling a lot of things while caring for new baby and trying to recover from childbirth. Unfortunately your 36yo husband seems very immature for his age, instead of threatening to leave you he ought to be fixing brakes on the car. 

Never asking him about uncomfortable things wont work. If you cant communicate as adults then you have no way to resolve issues. 

Your sex drive cant come back until you feel safe. And you cant feel safe while he is threatening to abandon you and his child. The porn just makes things a bigger mess.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's not about the porn. It's about everything else. You need a break. When you get a good night's sleep & feel heard / valued by your partner your sex drive will come back. Right now you are mentally & physically exhausted because DH is behaving like a petulant child who hasn't realized it's time to step up & be a dad.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I personally believe you might as well tell him how his actions make you feel inside and out, That he is driving a huge wedge into your marriage and family. Repeat what you have written here. Avoiding a discussion fixes nothing but just builds resentment. You have to have an outlet for your frustration.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Porn use after childbirth is very typical for men. It may not be what women want to accept or hear but it's just the way it is when your wife's body is shut down for a couple months. He probably doesn't want to admit it because he is ashamed or it will cause you to be upset.

If yall had a pretty regular sex life pre baby then he may not have used it since before you both met. But going from regular sex to several months of a dry spell is likely not realistic to expect slips ups.

So congrats your husband is human. I hope you find your attraction for him. I can promise you he wasn't turning to porn because he doesn't find you sexy anymore, it's more about unclogging the pipes...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Porn use after childbirth is very typical for men. It may not be what women want to accept or hear but it's just the way it is when your wife's body is shut down for a couple months. He probably doesn't want to admit it because he is ashamed or it will cause you to be upset.
> 
> If yall had a pretty regular sex life pre baby then he may not have used it since before you both met. But going from regular sex to several months of a dry spell is likely not realistic to expect slips ups.
> 
> So congrats your husband is human. I hope you find your attraction for him. I can promise you he wasn't turning to porn because he doesn't find you sexy anymore, it's more about unclogging the pipes...


Yes, he is human, and I understand he is using porn - he probably was trying to adjust to the situation - but threatening to leave twice when you your wife is 7 weeks post-partum?Very immature. As I said before, I hope he learns from his silliness.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

His reaction during the arguments is childish to say the least. I think that is the bigger issue. As for the porn, did you guys have an agreement that porn was a no go in your marriage prior to all this?


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

My husband watches porn. Sometimes a lot and he won't come to me at all. Sometimes, very little, and we will have sex 3 times a week. I don't know what it is. If he is stressed out about work, or stupid crap going on with the guys, or because he's in his feelings about the lacking relationship that he has with his childs mother - sex does not exist in our house and he will watch porn because it's just easier for him. Tell your husband how it makes you feel, and just leave it at that. Don't expect any real answers from him because he really doesn't have any. My husband's porn issue exists because he's an alcoholic and can't get off most of the time during sex, and it's quicker and easier for him to just simply watch porn. He says that it's because there are no emotions involved. When we have sex, all he thinks about is if he's going to get off or not. So he doesn't.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Couple things and thoughts -

Re - porn use and lying - men on the whole enjoy it (to varying degrees). Sounds like your husband does. It may be hard for women who don't enjoy it to understand, but promise that for most men there's a pretty significant disconnect about enjoying that and how he feels about you. I have kids and learned that we can set and make all the rules we want...but unless they understand and more importantly buy in on them...they are going to break them when they think they can...and lie about it when they know you can't prove it. It doesn't make them bad kids or flawed...just human. Your husband got caught in something embarrassing (to him)...felt violated in his personal space...felt judged...and lied. He's human. Some here might say that's showing major character flaws but they are either true angels or hypocrites. I just wouldn't read too much into the lying here (unless habitual) and instead try to cultivate a space of understanding and trust. He needs to trust you too...that you will accept him and his needs...for him to feel comfortable sharing these things with you. He doesn't...so he lied.

Re: impacts of a newborn - I'd never take anything away from women here and know that they bear the brunt with pregnancy and newborns. But I'm a guy so giving perspective from our end. Having kids is traumatic for us too (especially if your first). For 9 months the world revolves around the mom and her needs...then after birth the babies as well. We're nearly as tired...quite possibly as stressed...and the life shock the same. Some men (myself! lol) were naturals at it...but for some men it's a rude awakening and accelerated grow-up moment. Peter Pan needs to leave Neverland eventually...a baby will drag him out. His reaction and lashing out tells me that he's feeling unheard...walking on eggshells around you...and feeling powerless. So he lashes out. And now getting caught and feeling guilty about one thing that provides a bit of escapism and normalness. I can't defend his childish tantrum...and threatening to leave. It's true manchild stuff there. But I'm telling you this is the 'canary in coal mine' warning that he's in a bad mental spot too...with the stress of the situation and quite possibly with you. That you might have more justified reason to feel in a bad spot doesn't matter...a bad spot is a bad spot.

Just a guys thought to give a girl perspective...not suggesting at all you're wrong to feel what you feel or suggest he needs any babying...but try to remember with love comes sympathy and support and everyone's reality IS their reality.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I was in labor, and my husband was watching porn at the hospital. He actually left after I’d been taken back for an emergency C-section to go home, “hospitals make me uncomfortable, you know that.” And watched porn late into the night and drank. 

It wasn’t the porn for me, it was the priority it and drinking took over everything. IM GIVING BIRTH.. but if you continue to argue and flip out if that’s what you’re doing, he’ll never trust you. There again, I didn’t do that, I made sure it was known he wouldn’t be berated, put down, ect.. but my late husband would not address it at all. Wouldn’t talk about any of it.

From what you said I don’t think he’s gas lighting you, I think he doesn’t trust you as much as you don’t trust him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.
> 
> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
> 
> ...


It's not normal for a man to be addicted to porn. People should have more restraint than that especially when they are married.

Porn has many destructive effects. He will be comparing you to paid porn actresses with fake body parts and may start wanting you to do things that only a slave or a paid porn actress would do. At least it sounds like he hasn't reached that point yet. 

You have trouble communicating with him because he just gets mad and leaves so I would suggest you to get a marriage counseling before this goes any further downhill and learn how to listen and communicate and be partners. Good luck.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Porn has many destructive effects. He will be comparing you to paid porn actresses with fake body parts and may start wanting you to do things that only a slave or a paid porn actress would do. At least it sounds like he hasn't reached that point yet.


You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.

Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.
> 
> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
> 
> ...


To start with it's not a 'man thing' because many many men choose not to watch porn. I wouldn't be with a guy who did nor would I have sex with a guy who did. It doesn't surprise me at all that it's badly affected you and your marriage, it's highly damaging for a marriage and the lies make it twice as bad. 

What you do about it is up to you. I know a lady who gave her porn using husband an ultimatum, her or the porn. He choose her and stopped but he know she really meant it , it wasn't an idle threat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.
> 
> Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.


Come on now we all know it wasn't just a couple of times. That just happened to be the times he got caught. Then he lied about it as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You are generalizing and what you say is a common false talking point among women. Just because he used porn a couple times doesn't mean squat other than he is a guy and needed some relief after the "newborn celibacy". Where women always go wrong in these arguments is they equate their own sexual urges as the same as a man despite obvious biological differences. Give a woman a steady dose of testosterone comparable to an average male and go on a sexual hiatus. I'd love to see the results of that study.
> 
> Also, as far as comparing porn actress to their wives or sexual positions is pure garbage. Maybe this is what women do when they read romance novels? I don't know any men to do that, it's simply a visual tool to get the job done. Men marry the good girl not the town ho with plastic bodies for a reason. It's visual stimuli and about as interesting as it takes you to finish.


He's totally lying how many times it really doesn't matter. I believe that's your faulty talking point. Huge double standard there in the rest of your paragraph.

And frankly I don't know too many women who read romance novels in my lifetime. Most of my friends read a lot more challenging material. Talk about generalizing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Porn gives a lot of men a skewed perspective of what is normal. A false perspective.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He's totally lying how many times it really doesn't matter. I believe that's your faulty talking point. Huge double standard there in the rest of your paragraph.
> 
> And frankly I don't know too many women who read FC romance novels in my lifetime. Most of my friends read a lot more challenging material. Talk about generalizing.


I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.


My mother read a lot and once in awhile one of those was in there but she's the only one I know that read those on purpose. They certainly weren't very racy back then.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If anyone thinks porn isn't an issue in marriage, do what I just did. Go up top to the Search Community bar. Type in "porn" for the keyword. Then check the box that says Titles Only. 

The search will return just the first 500 threads with porn in the title. 

It isn't just an issue in marriage either but at least if you haven't married someone you can use it as a filter if it's having a negative effect on them and your relationship.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.


I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.

I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.
> 
> I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.


So no Nora Roberts for you then???


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> So no Nora Roberts for you then???


Ugh. No, I can never do more than a couple of paragraphs. But her stuff does make me feel better about my own writing skill. 😉


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@*ashevilwilliams, Your husband sounds disconnected and inconsiderate. Not only is he using porn, but he also seems to have no clue how to treat you properly or understand breastfeeding. It appears that he isn't any help with the baby either.

Do you have any help?*


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Since now apparently anyone can be a birthing person he might be able to do it?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Porn gives a lot of men a skewed perspective of what is normal. A false perspective.


And the porn to romance novel comparison is inane. It’s like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I encourage you to look up “Policy of Joint Agreement” and “Sexual Aversion” at the MarriageBuilders.com site.

You may think you are helping your marriage by letting him treat you poorly, but that doesn’t work very well over the long term.







The Policy of Joint Agreement : Marriage Builders, Inc.


With the Love Bank in mind, it's very important for you to resolve your conflicts in a way that makes deposits into both of your accounts: Win-win resolutions. If an outcome is at the expense of...




www.marriagebuilders.com










How to Overcome Sexual Aversion : Marriage Builders, Inc.


What if my spouse has an aversion to meeting the emotional need of sexual fulfillment in marriage?




www.marriagebuilders.com


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> Since now apparently anyone can be a birthing person he might be able to do it?


They have strap on boobs so dad's can breastfeed now. So not only can we break women's swimming records, we can also birth and breastfeed.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Can you take the threadjacks elsewhere?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I write them but I don’t read them. The plots are overly simplistic and utterly unrealistic and the writing is typically pedantic. 🤪😎 They’re easy and fun to write though. It’s a fun hobby.
> 
> I of course wouldn’t DARE speak for all women🙄😂 but I don’t know any women, even those who read them, who expect their husbands (or any man) to behave like men in romance novels. Honestly I wouldn’t advise a woman to act like women do in romance novels. They’re silly.


I do think fairytales have influence on both little girls and boys and have for a long time. Gives them unrealistic expectations, but at least not the kind where you're asking someone to do things paid porn actresses must do. Fairytales make some people think there is the "one" out there that they are destined for. Truth is a person who can get along with one can usually get a long with quite a few others.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I do think fairytales have influence on both little girls and boys and have for a long time. Gives them unrealistic expectations, but at least not the kind where you're asking someone to do things paid porn actresses must do. Fairytales make some people think there is the "one" out there that they are destined for. Truth is a person who can get along with one can usually get a long with quite a few others.


This thread is supposed to be about the OP’s situation.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop begging his highness to stay.

If he wants to have a bratty tantrum and ditch his wife and baby let him go. That's the behavior of a nasty 2 year old. Adults fight, cool off, then face their issues. Next time he pulls that tell him to get the **** out.....threatening to leave is a manipulation tactic.

The porn is another issue...others have given you good advice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> This thread is supposed to be about the OP’s situation.


That started with UpsideDownWorld above likening porn to romance novels above, which usually happens literally every thread about porn.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@ashevilwilliams,

What kind of support do you have IRL, not counting your husband who is failing you miserably?

Are you receiving medical care, help with the nursing?

What do you think his dad would do or say, to hear the “complaints” he might have? I would tell any such son he is being a whiny ****, and that he better man up and get his **** together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That started with UpsideDownWorld above likening porn to romance novels above, which usually happens literally every thread about porn.


It's cute the way some guys assume we run to romance novels when we're not getting pur needs met. I stopped reading that trash once I got put of my teens....I can't keep a straight face because it's so ridiculous.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's cute the way some guys assume we run to romance novels when we're not getting pur needs met. I stopped reading that trash once I got put of my teens....I can't keep a straight face because it's so ridiculous.


I used to visit the library a lot decades ago, so I might accidentally bring one home, start it, throw up from the sappy milarky, and then take it back, but that's as far as I've gotten. The closest to it I intentionally read, I guess, would be Victorian Gothic classics, which I love. No sex there. Maybe some ankle action. And then once in awhile a light mystery that has a romance subplot. I used to accidentally surf onto the Hallmark Channel which was the same thing, but again, no actual sex.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

It’s not cute when discussions get in the way of helping an OP with a serious problem. Please don’t dilute this thread any more. You know how to create your own threads to discuss these off-topic concerns of yours. Continued discussion of them here is very inconsiderate and may chase the OP away.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you don't feel like having sex right now until this issue is resolved, then don't. You need to get into counseling together and see if it's worth keeping him. Not just from the porn, but everything.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> It’s not cute when discussions get in the way of helping an OP with a serious problem. Please don’t dilute this thread any more. You know how to create your own threads to discuss these off-topic concerns of yours. Continued discussion of them here is very inconsiderate and may chase the OP away.


It absolutely is cute, and since you're worried about off topic things romance novels shouldn't have been brought up and wasn't brought up by me.. Nowhere did the OP say she reads them so to bring that up is a deflection tactic for the real issue, which is that her husband has a wife and baby yet seems to be ok lying about porn and stomping off to daddy's instead of dealing with his wife like a freaking adult and behaving like a husband and father. 

The porn use itself is a secondary issue to his bratty 2 year old behavior.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you don't feel like having sex right now until this issue is resolved, then don't. You need to get into counseling together and see if it's worth keeping him. Not just from the porn, but everything.


Agreed. Look, having a baby is a big deal. It's not as impactful for men, because honestly, the difference in the impact of children on men vs women is like the difference in the impact on the chicken vs the pig at breakfast. That isn't anyone's fault, it's just the way it is, nature is nature. The idea that he has you afraid to be careful of your body while it heals because if he doesn't get sex on-demand in whatever way he last saw on his favorite porn reel he'll cheat and leave you is horrifying. *Realizing that you are feeling very vulnerable and emotional right now* (understandable, post partum is real and serious, but it's important to be aware of how our hormones can change the way we see things and it's possible that you're still a bit raw, although the porn thing is hurtful always, not to mention really unfair because even porn stars can't complete after they've had a baby), take real stock of this situation and objectively evaluate how he is treating you and how he is reacting to the baby. 

Do NOT let him hurt you. I don't care what anyone, anywhere, ever says. Your body is YOUR BODY and he does not have the right to hurt you. Ever. Not saying he did, or would, but just know that you do not have to let anyone, not even your husband, hurt you.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me.* He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him.* I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.


Agree with all said @lifeistooshort except this paragraph, particularly the bolded bit.
His effort went unnoticed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

harperlee said:


> Agree with all said @lifeistooshort except this paragraph, particularly the bolded bit.
> His effort went unnoticed.


It was a half ass offer. And he said maybe. Not sure if he's a sound sleeper but if so he shouldn't be sleeping in bed with an infant. Might not notice if he rolled over. And again he said maybe. Maybe isn't good enough.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

@DownByTheRiver, love your user name. I have had three children, all breastfed. I am in no way suggesting that this couple doesn't have problems. The dad in this situation is preoccupied with his knock down the pecking order. This is fairly common. It's also common for the dad to try to find some usefulness (problem solve) and the new mom to be frighteningly territorial. 
They are new to this, no matter their ages; it is a first child for BOTH of them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

harperlee said:


> @DownByTheRiver, love your user name. I have had three children, all breastfed. I am in no way suggesting that this couple doesn't have problems. The dad in this situation is preoccupied with his knock down the pecking order. This is fairly common. It's also common for the dad to try to find some usefulness (problem solve) and the new mom to be frighteningly territorial.
> They are new to this, no matter their ages; it is a first child for BOTH of them.


I'm not sure running to porn is the solution. I really wouldn't be comfortable with him watching porn with the infant right beside him either. She doesn't want him watching it all anyway. At a time when he should be stepping up and starting to do some adulting, he's burying himself and escaping to porn.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

I agree with you @DownByTheRiver. This new life takes two. Both of them need to have patience with each other. They will need it in spades for the baby.
Compromise would be a start, talking with the obgyn together and really making an effort to meet each other half way. 
She should pump her milk and take him up on his offer to feed the baby, minus sleeping together if he is a heavy sleeper.
She could wake him.
He needs to bond with the baby too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree and I'm surprised he's not focused on the baby instead of his telephone.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

No you aren't. You had them days, you know men.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It sounds like he was trying to do something nice and helpful for you, and you shot it down. Of course he's going to be upset about that. Have you been letting your husband help with the baby as much as he wants to? He is just as much a parent as you are. Who cares what's "normal"? Do what works for your family, which includes your husband.

It's not clear if you are bedsharing or roomsharing (or both), but if bedsharing the "unsafe" argument can be argued and challenged either way. And even with breastfeeding you can use bottles. By 4-6 weeks postpartum your milk supply is established and its usually fine to introduce bottles. So why can't he feed baby as well? Going all night wouldn't be great for your supply but why not let him take a certain chunk of the night, then switch sides? 

Obviously he needs to work on his reaction and how he handles conflict, and you likely do as well. First babies are often hard on a relationship. If this is a new type of reaction from him it could be from the stress and exhaustion that he's likely feeling as well. People tend to forget all about the dad during pregnancy and postpartum but they are going through it as well. 

As for the porn... People hide all sorts of things that they know they will be shamed for, *****ed at for, etc. That doesn't make it right, so no I'm not saying that. 

However, a guy using porn during the early postpartum days and weeks (or at all) doesn't mean he finds porn stars more attractive, that his wife is fat and ugly, that his wife is now competing with porn stars, and all the other crap certain females here love to spew as if it were fact. 

My wife is 8 days postpartum after our 6th baby. Obviously her body is still healing and isn't the same as it once was. Doesn't matter at all to me. Hell, she's been wearing diapers for the past week and I still find her sexy and have a hard time hiding it. 

But according to certain females here, I'm _obviously _lying. I couldn't _possibly_ find my wife attractive anymore, and if I do, it's because she's some super human that doesn't age or show any imperfections. 

That's just not reality. 

Have you had an honest discussion with him about your insecurities over it? The need to be honest with each other goes both ways. 

You both probably need to read about "You" Statements vs "I" Statements and fighting fair. "You always, you never, you did, you didn't" etc will nearly always come off as an attack and immediately make the other person defensive - not a good way to start a conversation.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.
> 
> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
> 
> ...


From what I understand, breast feeding tanks sex drive also.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that your hb should have the opportunity to get up and feed the baby. Pump some milk or get fornula....its important for him to bond too.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I find the title of your OP funny. Not in an amusing way, but in a serious outlook.

If we were to take your thread title literally, then mind as well pack it up and split because in a marriage where there's no sex, there's no marriage. Mind as well and divorce now.

From what you exposed here, him watching porn is the least of your problems, but you're centering on it.




ashevilwilliams said:


> I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical.



Where, I mean where the heck you'd get the idea that that's no normal or typical? Do you come from one of those families where sex, and certain man or woman functions are taboo to the other? I ask because that statement is so far out the left field. No wonder why he was offended, and it developed into a bigger issue.

The real problem is that he actually seems to have little regard for you, and you due to post partum haven't reach equilibrium hormonally yet. These are the issues that are really affecting the relationship. He's a **** for not being more understanding of were you are as far as emotions, energy, rest, sleep.

And you, unless the porn watching was a boundary that you requested before marriage, and he's now breaking that boundary, then even though it makes you feel less and ugly, for him and for most men in this world, porn is nothing but a masturbatory aid for a quick release. It has nothing to do, with you, or your whatever it is that you perceive as flaws in your body. Most men can have sex a bunch of times a day, and still they will masturbate. Unless the porn/ masturbation affects your sexual intimacy, by him not being able to perform, then if it wasn't a preset boundary in the relationship, then your nagging and getting into arguments because of it, all it does is to make things worse.

Concentrate on the real issues in your relationship...that of his lack of concern for your needs, his brusk reactions, and your short handle of your emotions. This is a time where a couple, regardless of the hardships that a new baby brings, must compenetrate all their energies, feelings, etc., to do what must be done for the benefit of the best harmonial environment in which to bring this baby up to the next step of his growing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Porn is a real issue, whether you thought to ask about it before marriage or not. As I said before I quick search will turn up first 500 threads about porn being an issue in marriage just on this site alone. It's not your imagination and it's not your inadequacy or your weakness. Don't let him turn it around and gaslight you to make you feel bad.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

ashevilwilliams said:


> Thank you for your response and *I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment.
> 
> Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.*





Rob_1 said:


> I find the title of your OP funny. Not in an amusing way, but in a serious outlook.
> 
> If we were to take your thread title literally, then mind as well pack it up and split because in a marriage where there's no sex, there's no marriage. Mind as well and divorce now.
> 
> ...


I snipped your post Rob_1.
If you read the two, maybe you will see the divide. It's not at all uncommon or unusual for a woman who has recently given birth to a human to focus all attention on the newborn child. It is also not unusual for a woman to be very protective of her newborn and not thinking of the man who wants sex. 
Bonding with the new family and expecting sex from a woman who has recently given birth are two entirely different mentalities. Men, if they are wise will tread lightly on this. 
But of course, there are bulls in the china and the chips do fall.
It would be great if she were met with care, it comes back around for loving fathers. 
Hard resentment for others, a woman's memory is long.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

harperlee said:


> Agree with all said @lifeistooshort except this paragraph, particularly the bolded bit.
> His effort went unnoticed.


She is breastfeeding. He hasn't a clue. He's simply trying to tell ger to shut up, because he can do it better.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

@Cynthia, I agree that he doesn't have a clue. She said they had a huge fight after he offered to get up with the baby in order for her to sleep.
If a man is to be at his best and needed the most, it is after a woman gives birth to his child. If he is not a protector at this time, if the mother of his child does not feel safe, his most important job is failed.
He might as well be any man. This is the truth.
Everything that follows will be a reaction to this. Years away will come back to these days.
That this jacka** is hurting her to get off right now is the end for him. 
He'll be here complaining in a year or more.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> From what I understand, breast feeding tanks sex drive also.


That wasn't my experience - at all. YMMV

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> From what I understand, breast feeding tanks sex drive also.


I've no doubt that applies to some women.



Cynthia said:


> That wasn't my experience - at all. YMMV


Likewise it certainly wasn't my experience with my wife or ex-wife, through having three children together.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> I find the title of your OP funny. Not in an amusing way, but in a serious outlook.
> 
> If we were to take your thread title literally, then mind as well pack it up and split because in a marriage where there's no sex, there's no marriage. Mind as well and divorce now.
> 
> ...


No sex with a 7 week old baby is a no sex marriage? That seems a little melodramatic.

And accordingly to her he's even getting oral.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> No sex with a 7 week old baby is a no sex marriage? That seems a little melodramatic.
> 
> And accordingly to her he's even getting oral.


We didn't have sex or any sexual contact for 3 months post-partum...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> We didn't have sex or any sexual contact for 3 months post-partum...


I can see that.....I tore pretty badly with both of mine and was in pain for a while.

Fortunately even my douchebag kids father understood that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can see that.....I tore pretty badly with both of mine and was in pain for a while.
> 
> Fortunately even my douchebag kids father understood that.


It was a nice birthday present...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can see that.....I tore pretty badly with both of mine and was in pain for a while.
> 
> Fortunately even my douchebag kids father understood that.


My husband tiptoed around until I had to finally say to stop being so, um, gentle. He was terrified of hurting me. But then he really wanted a child and was thrilled to have his son. He was 34 when our son was born.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I used to visit the library a lot decades ago, so I might accidentally bring one home, start it, throw up from the sappy milarky, and then take it back, but that's as far as I've gotten. The closest to it I intentionally read, I guess, would be Victorian Gothic classics, which I love. No sex there. Maybe some ankle action. And then once in awhile a light mystery that has a romance subplot. I used to accidentally surf onto the Hallmark Channel which was the same thing, but again, no actual sex.


I recall as a kid finding book in our house “Forever Amber” written in the 1940s. Believe was set in Victorian England, it was full of lots of sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I recall as a kid finding book in our house “Forever Amber” written in the 1940s. Believe was set in Victorian England, it was full of lots of sex.


Haha. But it was written in 1940, not during Victorian times. Someone thought, Hey, those novels would be a lot better if they had sex in them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm going to sidestep the porn and body image issues.

You both need better conflict resolution.

You need better communication, openness and to learn how to "fight" fair with each other.

You are having too many conversations turn into a fight and his go to move is to run home to daddy.

This is not a sustainable situation. He appears to be conflict avoidant and immature.

I would suggest reading some marriage resources together and committing to doing the homework in them.

Love Busters, The Five Love Languages and several other books can be good resources for at least learning to communicate better with each other.

I see this initially as your biggest problem and not your self image or his porn use.

Those two issues will be easier to resolve once you both have learned to communicate better.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> No sex with a 7 week old baby is a no sex marriage? That seems a little melodramatic.
> 
> And accordingly to her he's even getting oral.


I guess, you either, just read the intro part of my post, didn't understand it at all, or I failed to convey my meaning.

I was just conveying that as per her thread title, the relationship wouldn't work in the long run if that was to be her attitude towards her husband because of porn.

I never implied that after just a few weeks of having a baby she should be having sex like a Bonobo chimp. As a matter of fact I think is callous for her husband to be asking for sex at this moment. When my wife had our daughters, I never coerce her to anything, nor I made any moves toward having sex until she indicated that she was ready. Still I asked on both instances if she was sure that she was ready, because on both instances my concerns were for her complete well being and didn't want to rush her with anything that could potentially cause her damage or discomfort. 

As a matter of fact my relief form was porn masturbation until she was physically and mentally ready. Plus I took leave of absence for a few weeks at work to take care of her. First ten days I bathed and did everything fir my daughters because my wife was in bed. My wife would pump and have milk ready for our daughters and we would take turns feeding at night. One day she would sleep and I fed, next day it was her turn. We were a team, something that OP does not have. They are not a team. They are clashing with each other instead of coming together at one of the most precious moments of their existence. Regardless of how tired it is, how much sleep deprivation it causes, etc.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> One day she would sleep and I fed, next day it was her turn. We were a team, something that OP does not have. They are not a team. They are clashing with each other instead of coming together at one of the most precious moments of their existence. Regardless of how tired it is, how much sleep deprivation it causes, etc.


Same with us. We were a team.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> I guess, you either, just read the intro part of my post, didn't understand it at all, or I failed to convey my meaning.
> 
> I was just conveying that as per her thread title, the relationship wouldn't work in the long run if that was to be her attitude towards her husband because of porn.
> 
> ...


You're right....I didn't get this from your other post. This one is much clearer so thanks for that.

I've said that I think her main issue is that she's married to a tantrum throwing brat, and I suspect if her husband behaved like you did her situation would be much different.

I still think porn is going to be tough on a new mother who's hormonal, likely in physical discomfort, feels fat, and is nursing so any smart guy would keep that on the down low. 

And since women are attracted to men who male them feel safe, him stomping off to daddy's probably makes the porn even worse. 

I'm glad to see so many guys here were actual men when their kids were born.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> still think porn is going to be tough on a new mother who's hormonal, likely in physical discomfort, feels fat, and is nursing so any smart guy would keep that on the down low.


Exactly, that's what I did. I kept it on the down low.
Why would a man be so graphic doing it in front of the wife, whilr she's all hormonal and feeling like crap. 
I think that a lot of today's dudes are crass, and lack common sense empathy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I was wondering what OP's FIL is like. Was thinking when husband called his dad, he should have gotten an earful. But maybe the husband is a product of his poor upbringing, FIL is just an older version of her immature husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How are you holding up @ashevilwilliams ?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

ashevilwilliams said:


> Thank you for your response and I do agree that a sexless marriage would deeply negatively impact our relationship and I really am trying, it just kinda hurts at the moment.
> 
> Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.


Ok, I want to say this upfront. Bless your heart! This answer does show you love and care for your husband. You both need to understand that your body has undergone very real physical changes due to pregnancy and birth. You're emotional side has undergone even more..as a mother, your nurturing instant in full swing. You are emotionally and physically invested in your child right now. This a natural and normal thing. Ensure that you allow him to share with nurturing his new baby as well. Fathers of newborns can sometimes feel....left out. Since you mention your breastfeeding, express some into bottles and allow him to feed the baby as well and bond as you have. Shared nurturing and love for your child is important and helps with intimacy with the baby as well as with you!
Your husband is a fortunate man that he has a wife that was willing to engage him physically as you have so soon. My wife and I took over 3 months to get back to romantic intimacy. Wasn't anything wrong and because I was deeply involved with nurturing our daughter I didn't even notice, because of establish a life long bond with my daughter.
If you are both patient and loving communicate about this it will be fine.
As to the porn issue. If this is a recent development in his relationship with you, then it is something to slowly discuss with him. Especially if he didn't use it before. It's very hard in this world now to hide from porn. It has pervaded so many ares of the media and is easier to access than ever. Some men will occasionally view it to get images for their "spank bank", some may become addicted and loose sight of reality. I'd guess that the majority of men do not understand the feelings their partners experience when they find they are viewing porn. It is quite complex. Men are more physical in sex and easily aroused by visual stimulus, where as women are much more emotional. It's when the porn intrudes into the intimacy of a couple the problems arise, especially if the women feels she is being compared to or competing with this, or if the op has tried to take niche fantasy and make it a reality in the bedroom.
If you haven't been married very long, on average it does come down to communication. It takes awhile sometimes for both partners to become comfortable enough to disclosure in seriousness that they do masturbate. It's about as intimate as person can get and most spend their time doing it behind closed doors quietly and privately. So maybe you can get him to relax about this and suggest he do it for you, or possibly a mutual session to drop barriers of shyness and add depth to your intimacy. 
The key is honest and genuine talk between you both. No accusations or shaming. Be open, honest and loving. Best wishes to you both


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

ashevilwilliams said:


> So, I already know, you don't have to tell me - porn is a normal guy thing and it's not anything personal. I get that but I need advice on getting my sex drive back.
> 
> So, I'm 35 and he is 36 and I'm currently 7 Weeks postpartum with our son. About 4 weeks ago me and my husband got into a fight. I woke up tired and a little stressed out - he said I had a tone and he got upset with me. He said that if our son could sleep next to him then maybe he would wake up during the night and feed him. I said I was trying to breastfeed and that's not normal or typical. He was very offended by that and it somehow blew up into a huge fight. At the end of the fight he said he was tired of my **** and he was leaving. He called his dad to come pick him up because his breaks are messed up - I begged him to stay and he did.
> 
> ...


Have him get porn addiction therapy, get blockers on computer and phone, his online activities are watched. Be supportive, and tough live.
It's no porn, or the highway, oh, that is, and its not a substitutes, unless you let yourself go to pot in the physical shape range, and he considers you fugly.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I don't know a single woman who reads romance novels.


Then you don’t know many women because they sell millions of that stuff and it’s not to men.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I used to visit the library a lot decades ago, so I might accidentally bring one home, start it, throw up from the sappy milarky, and then take it back, but that's as far as I've gotten. The closest to it I intentionally read, I guess, would be Victorian Gothic classics, which I love. No sex there. Maybe some ankle action. And then once in awhile a light mystery that has a romance subplot. I used to accidentally surf onto the Hallmark Channel which was the same thing, but again, no actual sex.


What fantastic virtue you have.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After reading your thread, I too think you abd your husband are having huge communication and trust issues. You are both instilling unfathomable pain in one another. He is wanting to leave you are making him feel so badly. You are to the point of abhorring the thought of sex with him.

You need to get some professional help before this goes any farther. As said, this should be a wonderful time for you both.

I’d like to add that upside down world’s post was very accurate from my perspective. Your husband doesn’t compare you porn stars. It’s not a good habit to have and can definitely cause problems, but seeing how he’s not getting any sex for months, you could consider cutting him a little slack. You can’t? Well that’s your choice. 
wishing you luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP hasn't posted in a while. Hopefully because things have gotten better.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ashevilwilliams said:


> .....Just to clarify though, I knew this time would be rough on him. I serviced him orally a couple days after getting home from the hospital. We did some non-penitration stuff and then had gentle sex when I was 5 weeks pp. I've still been allowing intimacy. *I just don't feel the same anymore. I try to be sexy, make him enjoy it but inwardly when he brings up sexy time I kinda want to cry but I still do it.*


Two points. The first is that most husbands can read their wives body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, etc. Your husband probably knows that when the two of you have sex that you really don't enjoy it.

Second, speaking of gaslighting, have you told him that you need his help to find joy in sex again or do you just go through the motions and hope the problem will solve itself without honestly confronting it? Just asking.

Yes, he has issues and yes from what you have posted he is handling it badly, but..........there is probably a lot more to the story and it is something that should be address openly between the two of you.

Good luck. Having a child puts huge stress on a marriage and it takes time for everyone to adjust.


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