# No Place To Go and Not Sure What To Do



## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I am not really sure where to start. I guess from the beginning. I met my husband online. We talked for quite awhile before meeting. I found prior to actually meeting him that my boss at the time knew him and said he was ok. That was a load off my mind. Right from the beginning we were great together. We were inseparable and got along great, at first. I knew from the beginning that his mom lived with him but after the first year of being together I thought she would realize that we were together and I wasn't going anywhere that she would look for her own place. She didn't and still lives with us 4 years later. 

I have a 12 year from a previous relationship. I know she has her problems but she is still my daughter and I got so sick and tired of always protecting her against him. He wasn't physically abusive but said some nasty things to her. She hasn't always lived with me. She stayed with my mom when I relocated for a job and didn't want to move and I didn't want to force her. In the end, she made up a bunch of lies so that everyone was so angry at all of us. She now lives back with her because that is where she is happy.

As I stated, in the beginning everything was great. Then we had our own child together, I had a hysterectomy and he wanted more kids, then I got a new job and work full time days, and he owns his own business. He expects me to work all day, and go do his paperwork at night. He took all my paychecks at first, but I stopped that. I try talking to him because he now gets verbally abusive and treats me like an animal. Like I have no feelings. The man has never stated he loved me unless I begged him to open up about his feelings. But I am tired of having to do. He knows I was going to leave. He was great for a few months and now everything is back normal.

The other day topped it all off. He said he wanted to get the business going full force so I didn't have to work. I told him that I wanted to work, that it wasn't just a job but a career for me. The only thing he said (again) was that I wouldn't have to work. He just don't understand.

I have caught him since we have been married having a personal add on adultfriendfinder.com with nude pictures of himself. When I confronted him, very calmly I might add, he said it was a joke. He hid it from me, how could it have been a joke. I don't trust him since then. And I found, recently, another yahoo id that I didn't know about. The AFF ad said he was married but looking for a discrete relationship. 

I know half of this doesn't make sense but I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried for 2 years to try and get back what we had. But nothing has worked. I am at my witts end. If it wasn't for our 2 year old I would have left a long time ago. 

Please help me try to understand.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Your child together should have no impact if you stay in a bad relationship. Most people that try to control a relationship (men and women) use children as a factor. If he is a great dad then he could have unlimited access to the child and if you are stable enough any and all payments made could go into a trust fund for the childs college. 

That aside the real question is do you want to keep the marriage?

What are the exact problems that need to be solved for you to stay?

Do you have a keylogger on the computer?

draconis


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I do not know if there is a keylogger on the computer. I know my way around the computer so I found alot of the information myself. 

We have no communication and he is always hiding things from me. He even stops talking to his mom when I walk into the room. 

I don't think he is in love with me anymore and he won't have a serious conversation about it.

The harsh words he says to me and what he has said to my oldest daughter in the past is hard to erase.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

A key logger is software that you can install on a computer that is invisible and keeps track of all key strokes. They sell for $30 to $100 depending on the quality.

As far as your twelve year old is concerned I think you should have taken her side over your husbands. He never should have gotten away with being harsh on her.

COmmunications is the keystone to a relationship. Without it you are doomed to fail or be miserable. I would try a one two approach.

1) Have him sit down on the couch and you stand slightly leaning over him and hold his hands. This gives you the power and control in a conversation. Keep him focused on you and tell him how you feel. Make it a regular thing until he learns how to communicate.

2) Go to a councilor.

If he is resistant to both of those then go to the local court house get divorce papers and leave them out for him to find. When he asks why say without communications and without him trying you can't save the relationship on your own. It may well get his attention. If he starts to come around put the papers in a bill fold for now. It is better he knows you have them still and they are away.

You deserve to be happy. If he has issues with you you deserve to be able to work on them just the same.

You should not let your husband be abusive to you or your children even verbally.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

It sounds like it's time for you to leave the relationship, and leave the child you have together, with him so that he cannot manipulate you.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I have always stuck up for my 12 year old which is why he does not communicate. He states that I am always sticking up for her. I tried to explain that it should be like that and he has to realize that she is only a child no matter how old she is. 

He knew I was ready to leave once before. He states that he thought I only married him because of the baby. I tried to reassure him that it wasn't true and it's not. I married him because at the time he was different. Everything got worse when we got married.

On Sundays when we are both at home, all he does is sit on the couch and watch tv or take a nap. He doesn't even get up and help with our 2 year old. 

I have looked up separation before. In NY you have to be legally separated before you can even file for divorce. I have gone to counseling before and when I asked him to go with me, he stated it was me with the problem not him. 

I am ready to try anything just not sure how well it will work. Guess it's almost time to call it quits.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How long must I reside in New York before I can begin my divorce action?
An action for divorce may be maintained only when: 
The husband and wife were married in New York, and either of them is a resident of New York when the action is begun and has been a resident of New York for a continuous period of one year immediately before the commencement of the action, or 
The parties have resided in New York as husband and wife, and either of them is a resident of New York when the action is begun and has been a resident of New York for a continuous period of one year immediately preceding the beginning of the action, or 
The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and either party has been a resident of New York for a continuous period of at least one year immediately before the beginning of the action, or 
The grounds for divorce occurred in New York, and both parties are residents of New York at the time of the commencement of the action, or 
Either spouse has been a resident of New York for a continuous period of at least two years immediately preceding the commencement of the action. 
How long will it take to get divorced?
A simple uncontested divorce can be processed within 30 days. A complex contested divorce action, involving contested custody, valuation and property issues can take from one to three years.

DivorceNet - New York Divorce FAQ's

New York Court Help -

In New York, to obtain a divorce, fault must be assigned to either the husband or wife except when the divorce is based upon the ground of legal separation. Accordingly, some married couples wish to become legally separated so they can divorce without assigning fault to one party. It is important to note that a married couple living apart is not legally separated regardless of how long they live apart. 

Legal Separation in New York

The cause of action for divorce in New York state (accusations against the defendant by the plaintiff that are grounds for divorce) are limited to:

Cruel and inhuman treatment (Domestic Relations Law §170.1) 
Abandonment for a continuous period of one year or more (DRL §170.2) 
Imprisonment for more than three years subsequent to the marriage (DRL §170.3) 
Adultery (DRL §170.4) 
Conversion of a separation judgment (DRL §170.5) 
Conversion of a written and acknowledged separation agreement after living separate and apart for more than one year (DRL §170.6) 

I hope this information helps.

draconis


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## Alan (Dec 8, 2007)

You can be certain that your husband is having an affair,or is on his way to it.I think all of the responses you've received were very accurate.You have to love yourself enough to know when to be TIRED.No form of abuse is acceptable in a marriage,he's gonna keep doing what he's doing because you allow him to.Find that inner strength,put your foot down and leave.Secrets in a marriage and hidden agendas breed drama that is unheard of until it is revealed.Do you want to further your life with what is to come?Your daughter should not be subjected to his ignorance,she needs to see how a real man treats his wife...loving,respectful,compassionate,etc...If not,she'll grow up thinking that it is ok for a man to treat her LIKE HE'S TREATING YOU.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

I haven't been on in a few years. I guess you could say, instead of listen to what everyone said on here I went ahead and wrapped myself more up in the marriage to try and save it. It got better for about 2 months since the last time I was on here. Then, it went right back to the way it was even worse in the past 2 years. He gets his toys, I pay all of daycare and nothing else (which is fine because she is my daughter too) but he is always complaining he can't pay anything, he doesn't have money, but he is always carrying a wad of cash around. He hasn't helped me pay for any doctor bills, etc. I thought it was 50/50 in a relationship. I try to help with more than I pay but I don't make a heck of a lot of money. 

Still, after 2 years of writing this original post, I am wondering if it's hurting our 3 yr old more by me staying.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It sounds like you are at your wits end and don't know what to do.

Don't stay for the child if he isn't a good role model for him/her. If there isn't peace in the home then don't stay. 

I am not saying get a divorce right away. You may have to first separate. I would begin thinking about my exit plan. Saving some cash...living situation...etc. 

He doesn't sound willing to discuss or work on anything. You are indeed swimming upstream.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

You are correct, I am swimming upstream. As far as an exit plan, I barely have enough money to make it week to week after getting paid because he won't help get things that are needed for the house. My MIL or myself have to get it unless I start to complain we don't have anything in the house. He says it's not his responsibility to keep things in the house for my lunch or bring me something when I forget it. He is all for himself and no one else.


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