# How Stay Upbeat around Grouchy Spouse?



## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hello Everyone!!

I have been married 9 years. We are a blended family with just one child still under 18 -- so we're almost 'empty nesters'.

My question is how to not get down/depressed when married to someone who is a negative thinker and quite grouchy.

My husband is a good person. He has a tendency to be quite negative just fyi. He has a transportation job that is physically tiring, so half the time, he is very grumpy in the evenings after work, like, he'll be very preoccupied with the kitchen being extremely clean, he'll cuss if he can't open a container or if we get take out food and he doesn't like the way his food tastes, exc. 

He'll often say "I just didn't like that movie we just watched/I just don't like that singer on the radio/People driving in traffic today are stupid, "I hate democrats" exc exc. So, in short, he is grumpy.

My question? It kind of depressed me when he was grumpy on my birthday. I want suggestions on how not to get in the dumps. 

Example - on my birthday he gave me a card and flowers, which is so nice, but the way he acted made me feel GUILTY that I had a birthday at all. He'll put my card on the table and say "here's your card. I went to the grocery store and looked at cakes but I didin't like any of them."" He frowns all night. It was depressing. I asked him what's wrong. He said what he says 40% of the time on a weeknight "I had a S__T day at work, I'm tired, I had to deal with stupid people in traffic coming home" 

Guys it was Depressing! I felt like my birthday was a CHORE. It's nice he gave me a card but is seemed like it was such a **Hassle** and burden on him. How do you avoid having a negative person rub off on you so you don't get down in the dumps yourself?

FYI you may think he needs a different job -- I've know him 12 years and he's had 4 jobs -- he's grumpy at night -regardless- of which job. Years ago when he got a pay cut he went to our pastor and told pastor he's stressed out. The pastor talked to him and said "Why don't you exercise, go on walks with your wife at night -- and, do fun things like maybe take a picnic to the beach with your wife." He told the Preacher "I don't like to exercise and the beach is too sandy."  

We have fun together sometimes, like watching his favorite NFL team play football on weekends, or if we get to eat out with his grown son. Mostly he likes to watch music videos on his computer or watch re runs of "Married with Children", he likes to be home.

I am outgoing -- my personality to be friendly, pleasant and and I enjoy even a good laugh. Usually I can handle him being grouchy as I may have to go to grocery store or go to gym, but it was depressing to feel like he couldn't force himself to be relaxed or even SMILE for 60 seconds to give me a birthday card. 

LAST EXAMPLE: My one sister lives far away -- she and her husband come once a year to visit and it means a lot to me. Husband *likes* them as they are friendly and kind. 

A whole MONTH before they were coming (to stay in our house 36 hours total is all), I heard him tell (complain, essentially) to his brother "Sally's sister is coming in five weeks and that's when we have a work (construction) job where we go to work at 4am, I guess it will work out somehow." So my sister comes just once a year -- and more than 1 month ahead he was basically DREADING it to his brother -- 

One time, good friends invited us to their house on a Sunday night for dinner (Husband did have to be at work at 5:30am, so he probably was hoping the dinner wouldn't last late), and when I told him of the invitation, he said "Oh -- but I was going to mow the yard that day" and acted like he didn't want to go. He has never ever ever spoken of advance plans to mow the yard.

LAST EXAMPLE - my aunt was in town and took us to dinner a year ago. My younger son came. Husband's son couldn't come but had recently gone to senior prom with a new, awesome girlfriend. My aunt asked all of us "what's new" When she asked DH he said "Well......I think I'm going to have to have some skin cancer cut off in the next few months I guess..." She literally snapped at him, aunt said "Well can't u say something POSITIVE, like (his son Mark) like Mark went to the prom with a pretty girl or something". I was embarrassed she said it but point is others notice he is negative.

He always claims he's not depressed, he may just say "I'm just not in a good mood" or "I had a long week" -- he would never consider being checked out for depression, he likes how things are.

How to avoid the grumpiness rubbing off on me?? Thank you so very much!!!


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Wow that just sucks. I didn't know what to say at first but my husband has a short fuse and usually when he's really pissy I just leave him alone until his mood passes. Then again he never stays mad for more than a few minutes. 

However I have a tendency to get depressed and it can last for weeks. My husband complains about me being such a Debbie Downer and it's good because sometimes I don't even realize how much it bothers him until he points it out. 

You said you have a very cheerful disposition. Maybe he doesn't realize how much it bothers you. I'm sure he knows he's negative but he thinks it's okay with you because you're always so happy he doesn't need to make an effort to be more pleasant. 

I'd try being honest with him about it and maybe pulling away a bit if he's in a really bad mood to show him you don't like his company when he's being that way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Turn a grump into a positive?

For example:-

With the cakes: "Well, thanks! I'm glad you made that decision! Because if you didn't like the look of those cakes, I doubt I'd have liked them either. But these flowers you chose are really great!"

Could that work?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When was the last time he had a vacation from work?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Negative people like this dont change, and eventually they suck the life out of you. I divorced mine.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

For many humans, some sustained periodic negativity is actually a requirement in order for them to feel normal. I'm one of those people myself. It's not something that can be fixed forever or completely cured...yet I guess!

It's hard not to affect those around me, but I have realized that it's a very real part of me and I can't hate myself or allow people to attack me because of it. 

Now, people should not confuse this with mood swings. Mood swings are different. 

For me, it's a matter of projecting my negative feelings towards stuff that don't really matter, like traffic, or some stupid movie, or some stupid character on TV or a restaurant I don't like. If people want to judge me based on those things, then tough sh1t. That's their problem.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Wow I could of written that myself Sally. My partner is the same. He tries but most of the time all he ever has to say or see is the negative in everything.
No advice because i struggle with it every day. Turning it around to be positive doesn't work, pretty much just get shot down for even thinking positive. 
I was up at 4am this morning. Because of the lack of intimacy lately, I turned and just put my arm around him. When he eventually woke up I was saying how I woke up early he cuts me off saying he knows because I woke him up. I just walked away. He had maybe been in bed an hour if that. Didn't wake up til 3pm. Sorry.
Anyways I'm hoping people have some advice other than divorce.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here is how my wife cured my father of sulking.

He had sulked all his life. 

Attempts to snap him out if this were met with rage. 

Until one day he was sulking in the presence of my wife.

She walked up to him, and asked to examine his chin.

He looked puzzled but agreed.

She touched his chin shook her head and turned to my mom and said: "You know, I expected that as Bill had such a long face, that he would have had callouses on his chin from dragging it along the ground. But there aren't any!"

He attempted to continue sulking but roared with laughter.

The result was that for the next 10 to 15 years until he died, every time my dad tried to sulk he would then break into a smile, instead. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So he watches Married with Children - he's Ted Bundy? Is that his role model? Your description fits that character fairly well. 

Seriously though, you have two choices.

You can get a thicker skin and learn how to ignore his attitude. Let it roll off your back and don't pay it any attention. Acknowledging his attitude will feed it further. 

You can also stand up to him and say, look - I don't really know what's making you so upset right now. If you want to talk about it I am here. But I won't be around you when you are in this kind of mood. Let's fix the problem that has you upset and move on from it, or I am going to leave for awhile to get away from your attitude until you've gotten over it. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

synthetic said:


> For many humans, some sustained periodic negativity is actually a requirement in order for them to feel normal. I'm one of those people myself. It's not something that can be fixed forever or completely cured...yet I guess!
> 
> It's hard not to affect those around me, but I have realized that it's a very real part of me and I can't hate myself or allow people to attack me because of it.
> 
> ...


I will fully admit that I have the same issue. I have a hard time getting over something quickly that made me upset or angry. It is hard for me to shove my emotion aside and pretend like everything is OK. This most often happens when something occurs at work. Nothing to do with my H or family. 

The thing is - I recognize it's not fair for me to bring that type of attitude into my home and around my family when the reason for it has nothing to do with them. It's poisonous to come home and ruin everyone else's day. 

So I will take some extra time for myself to switch gears and try to come home as neutral as possible. My H is supportive of this thank goodness. Usually I will take the long way home, or I will call H and tell him I'm going to run an errand before coming home. Worst case when I get home I will just tell everyone I had a really bad day and just need a little bit of time to get over it. I won't just blindly come in lashing out at everyone. 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Some people just have a grumpy personality, and some people look for the negative in everything.



sally40 said:


> We have fun together sometimes, like watching his favorite NFL team play football on weekends, or if we get to eat out with his grown son. Mostly he likes to watch music videos on his computer or watch re runs of *"Married with Children"*, he likes to be home.


Plus he's got a grump for a role model! No wonder he believes his behaviour is normal.

Realizing that this is his personality should help you avoid having his grumpiness wear off on you. Just expect he'll have something negative to observe about everything, and move on when it comes out. You could play a game with yourself, guessing what it might be.

Ignore his grumpiness instead of feeding it though. When his negative comments come out, simply say "that's unfortunate" or something and move on, instead of providing him with sympathy and cuddles. If he complains about a bad day and you comfort him with hugs and offers to make his favourite dinner to try to improve his day, then he's going to learn that complaining is rewarding! Instead, just shrug and move on, and save the comforting and rewards for when he's happy instead. Your team won! Hugs all around! Let's have your favourite dinner!


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Negative people like this dont change, and eventually they suck the life out of you. I divorced mine.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is exactly right. Pessimists are what they are and they are joy suckers.

My ex husband was like this for the entire time I knew him and it got worse and worse no matter what I did.

Finally I got sick of tolerating the piss and vinegar and finally divorced him. Best thing I ever did. My new husband is a joy to be around and there's nothing better than his smile when we wake up together in the morning.

People like this will ruin every important moment in your life if you don't get rid of them. They suck the joy out of everything meaningful to you and they care more about themselves than your happiness or contentment. Its ALWAYS about them.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Meh.....

I used to be grumpy too. Always wanting to complain. I eventually got tired of it sucking the life out of my soul and found a way to "inner peace", or inner acceptance, if you will. 

Grumpy is an easy emotion to fall back to and it gets to be some sort of feedback loop. Just making you more grumpy. But someone really and truly can't get out of it unless they want to...have their own eureka moment to see themselves from the outside. 

That's not to say I still don't get grumpy. But in my head I know that whatever is bringing me down is only temporary, and then my emotions start to change for the better again. 

"Dinner plans when I was going to cut the lawn?" Oh well, I can either get up earlier or just accept that i need to reschedule 

Slow crappy drivers? Yup.  "But I can't change them so I just have to accept that this is the drive to work from now on...."

Etc, etc. 

Probably not helping. But it really does have to be something he realizes he needs to "fix" himself. 

As an aside...those days when traffic isn't backed up or slowed down makes me really joyful now. It's like a Christmas gift. I was expecting late traffic but my day just turned out more awesome because I get home earlier now!!! Lol. It really is about perspective.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My grandfather was EXTREMELY grouchy. Even on his deathbed, he was cussing at me. Most of the family could not take it and he would make them cry. Not me, I just did not let it bother me and often had a good joke to tell about something he despised that would eventually make him laugh. Most of the time, I would just make myself the butt of my jokes to cheer him up. 

Above all he despised me drinking any of his soda pop or eating his candies and would give me shît about it every time he saw me and basically accuse me of stealing from him. I'd just agree with him and tell him he had the best candy in the whole world. I'd also say that if he knew his grandchildren were thieves, that I needed to teach him how to hide his stuff much better. I also told him I was eager to volunteer to help so that I will always know where his hiding places are. 

He would tell me to hide it all in my pockets and give it ALL to my children. And that I was not allowed to eat any. Then he would start to laugh!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It's tough. My husband is a bit down at the moment. He doesn't really know why, but over the weekend especially he was quite antagonistic and very snippy with me. I'm not putting up with that crap. I told him lastnight "With all the crap that I put up with from your parents and sister, the drama from your ex wife and your daughter, you do NOT get to add to that by treating me this way. Depression permanently damaged my relationship with my mum, and I will NOT live through that again. Get over it or get some help, but lose the attitude. Got it?".

I mean it. He'll find himself single again if he were to keep it up. Living through my mum's depression was a friggin' nightmare. The emotional cruelty that we endured was inexcusable. I will not ever do that again.

Maybe that makes me a b!tch, I don't know, but no one will ever treat me like that again. And this happened over 20 years ago, it still affects me this much.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I like watching Married with children.

For Al's witty remarks?

No. For Katey and Amanda.

Two of the hotest actresses EVER! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cleigh said:


> Wow I could of written that myself Sally. My partner is the same. He tries but most of the time all he ever has to say or see is the negative in everything.
> No advice because i struggle with it every day. Turning it around to be positive doesn't work, pretty much just get shot down for even thinking positive.
> I was up at 4am this morning. Because of the lack of intimacy lately, I turned and just put my arm around him. When he eventually woke up I was saying how I woke up early he cuts me off saying he knows because I woke him up. I just walked away. He had maybe been in bed an hour if that. Didn't wake up til 3pm. Sorry.
> Anyways I'm hoping people have some advice other than divorce.


The only other advice there is, is to learn to live with it. Period. You absolutely will not be able to change him, so you better develop a thick skin and a duck's back. Accept the fact that every good thing that happens for you will be met with a negative remark and bad attitude. Accept that you will have to do things alone, and will forever have to make excuses to other people for him. Accept the fact that you will have an angry person in your home for the rest of your life and will forever have to walk on eggshells. (unless of course, angry outbursts dont bother you....) If this is all ok with you and you can deal, then more power to you. To me, its no way to live your life. Life is WAAYYYY too short to have to put up with this sh!t.


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Awesome story Matt! A little humor does go a long way!!


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Thanks everyone!! I did talk to my husband. It helped. 

He pretty much said that when he is frowning he doesn't mean it toward me. I nicely asked him that if he's ever in a rotten mood and it's my birthday or our anniversary, exc., to --please-- wait a day to give me a card exc. if he can't smile./is grouchy. He has been friendly ever since and I have learned I can soften up his grouchiness with humor a bit. He truly doesn't realize how he comes across. Sometimes I will do a "mock impression" of him coming home from work (I will put on his work hat, huff in the house and cuss and complain about traffic and slam the refrigerator door shut exc.), and he smiles and laughs hard -- so sometimes I can EXPLAIN my frustration over his heavy-grouchiness with humor and he'll say he's sorry (his exact words "I'm sorry. I know I'm a D__k.") It made ME feel better to ask him to postpone any annual sentimental events (i.e. handing me a birthday card on my birthday) if he's in a very very bad mood.....I feel better as he really listened to me, and he didn't realize he came across that way. 

Sometimes if he is freaking out in traffic (he'll get pretty mad if the car in front of him doesn't move fast enough) -- I remind him that he's on 2 high blood pressure meds (since he was just 39 years) and I'll nicely tell him "Babe you're gonna have a heart attack one day -- we're not in any hurry, so relax about the traffic" - I basically hint that it's not good for his health to get so angry and think he thinks through what I say as he'll apologize later and hug me. 

So using humor has gotten through to him some. He has an older relative who is known for being a hypochondriac and complains a lot (I mean no disrespect, am just quoting what all her family says and notices) Now if my husband gets really really cranky I'll say "Babe, you sound like (woman hypochondriac's name) and he looks startled. 

FYI His doctor HAS said he has low testosterone My husband used to get shots for it but stopped as it's a pain to take off work for the shots. It dawned on me recently that his low testosterone could be worsening. THANKS everyone!!!


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