# so much blaming......



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

7 weeks now separated from my H at his initiation. He said he wanted a separation to clear his head and think about whether the marriage could be saved or whether it was time to give up and get divorced. I pleaded with him not to separate but he was adamant. 

I have been respecting his wishes for space and moved out whilst he found an apartment that he's now moved into. We haven't seen each other and have only had minimal phone calls about practical stuff. It's just every time we do speak, he gets angry with me....he blames me for this situation - tells me his new place is horrible etc and 'accuses' me of being 'fine' and having everything easy and being able to 'carry on as normal'........he doesnt have a good support network of family /friends here cos he is not from this country - although he is flying home for Christmas. 

He is blaming me for everything and all the reasons why the relationship went wrong - being selfish, not listening to his needs, too controlling, too critical of him etc I have apologized over and over.....but he is ignoring all his part in this - emotional and physical disinterest in me, lying, not being supportive of me and particularly that he had an affair........I never really got to voice these things cos he would just get defensive and say it was another example of my constant critisizing of him. I am feeling terrible about all of this.....I never intentionally wanted to hurt him so deeply.....I didn't want to separate and I am really devastated over what has happened to our marriage.......I feel dreadful when I think he has moved out and feels better without me.....it's not true when he accuses me of being 'fine'.

Why is he doing this? why his he heaping so much resentment and anger on to me? Before he left, i was pretty sure in my mind that he was having another ( or maybe the same) affair, now he says he is 'totally alone' and this is my fault....how can that be when I didn't want this separation.....please any advice? I am feeling so down about all this.....I just want my life to come right again........


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*Marigold*--you sound absolutely miserable. What you're going through must be terrible!

How long have you guys been married, and do you have kids? 

You might want to ask yourself whether you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Not only has he moved out, but he's had an affair and has lied to you. Do you really want that in your life? 

As devastated as you are right now, his leaving may be for the best. I'm sure there's someone out there who would love and care for you, rather than treating you like crap (which is what it sounds like he did.) And even if there isn't anyone else out there for you--wouldn't you rather have your own space and peace of mind than live with someone who doesn't actually respect or love you?

Think of it this way--he's decided that he's not going to make you put up with his BS any longer. Maybe, after a while, you'll be thanking him for this favor.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how you're doing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There could be great validity in his statements, but his complaints could also be exaggerated in order to justify or explain to himself why he is abandoning the marriage (which might actually be for an entirely different reason). Is he seeing someone else? It's much easier to say "I'm leaving cause you're a jerk" rather than saying, "I'm a jerk and I'm leaving you for another woman."


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

So he cheated and doesn't like the outcome. The situation here is that he should be the one earning trust to come back to you, not complaining like a 3 three year old.

Stop trying to make him happy and decide what you require of him to come back and give him the opportunity to meet that or divorce him.

He is very likely just rewriting the entire relationship history.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I found this list on this site about how to act and what to do. It really sounds like you both messed up in the relationship, and I'm sorry that your the only one right now looking to fix it. Your story sounds similar to mine. Stay strong. Make clear to him that you want a good relationship and a good life together, but you BOTH need to work on it and be in the game together.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

I would send an e-mail or something with your paragraph that starts:


> "He is blaming me for everything and all the reasons why the relationship went wrong -....it's not true when he accuses me of being 'fine'."


I hope he decides to share his life with you, but if not it may be for the best anyways. 

Best of luck.


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Thanks for that list of 34 pointers! Good stuff to remember.

PJ


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

wow, great pointers...and to think I was only guilty of about half of them the past week!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I read your original and 5 week post.

At least there is a change in your husband from where he was to this. Hopefully he does see his part in the next few weeks and decides to reconcile with you.

He is probably finally dealing with and having to come to terms with some of the issues now that he has time alone to think about these things.

Best of luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know...I know I'm a fiery pistol of a woman, but he'd call me like that about ONCE and he'd hear :nono: "Call me when you're ready to take personal responsibility for your part in this mess" and then he'd hear the DIAL TONE!

Seriously--are you aware that you are in no way obligated to stay on the phone while he berates and blames you? Just talk over the top of him and say, "Are you ready to stop blaming me for your choices? No? Then call me when you are--I'm hanging up now. Bye." and CLICK. Then let him stew. If he calls back and back and back...take the phone off the hook or turn it off. 

Here's the thing. As one of the two in the marriage, there were choices you made that made the marriage vulnerable to the affair, and based on your own writings you've apologized for them. Furthermore, even though it was not what you wanted and it was painful for you to do so, you moved out AT HIS REQUEST and found a way to get on with your life. 

Now he is not happy, which anyone with a mature mind could have told him would happen. Adultery rarely leads to "happiness." But rather than being mature and taking personal responsibility for his own choices and his own participation in making the marriage fall apart, he has to blame you. Well, the minute he had you move out and he picked the affair over you...he lost the right to have that over you anymore. 

Just tell him, "Sorry I don't need to listen to this blame anymore. Call me when you can speak to me with respect. Bye!" Click. :whip:


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you all SO MUCH for your responses.........yes, there is certainly the angry part of me that wants to just cut him out and put down the phone, then there is the compassion inside we which just hurts so badly when I see what a mess became of the marriage. Yesterday he phoned me and sounded so sad and he cried abit, he said he thinks he may well go home now to his own country....that would make him happier i think, but at the same time it kills me because I would never see him again.........I'm so hurt, and I feel even WORSE when I see that he is hurt too..........it just tears me up

I am so confused and hurt in my own mind now, I don't know if I could every trust him again. I feel that I was thrown out with the rubbish - disposable. That has rocked my trust totally in everything I thought I knew and wanted. I don't trust my own judgement anymore...............

today I got really upset cos I saw a picture of him on facebook............I very rarely check my facebook ever and we were never 'friends' on it, just cos I really never use it...........for some reason I opened it today for about the first time in 6 months - there was a picture of him in 'people you might know'................goodness knows were the picture was taken and who by, but it just threw me into tears again - he is a total stranger to me, his own wife knows nothing about him, and now I question how much I ever knew about him.............I think he has been leading a sort of 'double life' - one where I don't even exsist - that is extremely painful to comprehend...........for me, he was the centre of everything............I feel like I was a nobody to him


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

Marigold,

You know nothing of your husband's life because he wants it so. He chooses to leave a double life and cut you out. I bet he doesn't know these things about you either. Don't beat yourself up over it. It was his choice.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont want to give bad advise....but....if he tells you its "all your fault" have you asked him why are you calling? why do you want to be with someone who is constant screw-up? why should you want to "make it work"?

i am not trying to be mean or cruel. if you didnt feel like the best person when you were together with him, why do you want to be back in that situation?

ok..., so...he messed up real bad, he is blaming you for it all?, he ticks off a list?, thiis is toxic. you cant brow beat someone into what you want, and to force acceptance of said bad behavior...

on another note, he is angry at him self for destroying the marraige and is projecting on to you how you should be feeling in this situation. he is beating himself up through you.

it sounds like he needs to work on himself, and maybe you should let him figure it out. its uo to him to prove himself to you not you to him.

sorry if its not what advice you were seeking. im not trying to make excusses for him, just giving you another way of looking at the situation..not being mean or placing blame.

i hope you find the peace you deserve...


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