# Sexual manipulation & spousal rape



## Rosemary555 (2 mo ago)

Hello, I’m new here and just looking for some insight. This might be a long read. Trigger warning for those who might be sensitive to this topic. 

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I was 20 when we met in college. We fell in love hard and fast, I moved in with him that first year. 3 years into our relationship I get pregnant. My family pressured me to marry him before having the baby (religious reasons) I gave in not wanting to disappoint my family even though I had my doubts I felt it was the right thing to do. 3 months after I had my baby, I was using his old phone to put some music on for her to go to sleep. I found multiple hookup websites, pictures of women and odd porn searches on his phone. I confronted him and he begged me to forgive him and that he was just being stupid and he never actually did anything physical. Just virtual sex. He cried how sorry he was and how he can’t lose me.
obviously I forgave him and we continued our lives together.
He has always been VERY overly sexual. Since the beginning of our relationship, I just thought it was that honeymoon phase. But it never stopped. I always fear that once we start a sexual encounter—even with a look—I’m obligated to "finish” it, almost as if sexual contact were a slippery slope that we had better not step too close to for fear of losing all say in the matter. As if agreeing to acknowledge the gambit turns intimacy into a transaction.

He constantly asks me to give him bjs without returning the favor. If I need anything done around the house, he says “we’ll if u help me take care of this erection” it’s like a transaction. Everything. If I need something he has to get something. Or in the past when he was our main source of income and if there was something I wanted to buy but needed help paying for it, he’ll make me do sexual favors but then never actually follow through with what he promised he’d help me with.
If I’m showering he comes in and expects me to blow him. I had to start locking the door so I can shower without being coerced to do something I don’t even enjoy doing. If I go out with my friends, come home alittle drunk, he takes advantage of that. Even when I say no multiple times he continues to peruse me. Put his privates in my face until I give in.
I work a lot. Seriously like 12-18hr 5 days a week (I’m self employed) on top of taking care of a child and keeping our home in order by the end of the day I am exhausted. Yet almost every night I am groped and pressured to preform. Sometimes I just give in so I can go to sleep faster. my heart pounds out of my chest at night cuz I know he’s gona ask me. And then I have to awkwardly laugh and say no I’m very tired (cuz I’m too nice to tell him to **** off and hurt his feeling ) but still he dosnt stop. sometimes if I fall asleep on my stomach, I’ll wake up to him on top having sex with me. Or in the morning when I’m barley awake he’ll take my pants off and help himself. I just can’t see how this is ok…there’s no consent at all.
It’s never about my needs but ALWAYS his. It’s not that I don’t like sex. I don’t like his approach to it. There’s no turning me on, or asking if what he’s doing is ok, no date nights, no extra help around the house so maybe I won’t be so exhausted and would be willing to please him. But it always feels like a chore.
It got so bad, I made him go to sex addicts therapy. He only went 3x but did admit he might have a problem. Over the years Iv sat him down multiple times and told him how much all these things bother me. The first few times we’ve talked he was remorseful but now if I bring it up he’ll say “damn you always make me feel so bad for being sexual and trying to love you. You make me not even want to touch you if your gona take it the wrong way.” 
and then he’ll ‘behave’ for a few months but it always goes right back to these habits.

One of the worst incidents was this summer. I got covid (from him!) I was very very sick. I havnt been that sick in a long time. My whole body hurt so bad. I took a pain killer so I could go to sleep. I laid down and he comes up to me asking if I wanted a back massage. The meds had just started to kick in but my spine was hurting so badly I said sure not thinking anything of it.
5 mins into the massage and he pulls my shorts off and forces himself inside me. I told him to stop but he said “hold on I’m almost done” I’m so sick & out of it from the meds I can’t move. When he finishes, he says “thanks for letting me use your body” . He has said this before and it stings every time.Iv gotten so use to this happening, I think my brain blocks it out and I can’t see that it’s wrong and manipulative. It’s painful to think about. I don’t want to believe that this is happening to me. That this is apart of my marriage. I know I have been a push over. I let him talk me into doing things, I don’t always stand up for myself when I should. I was sexually abused as a child and by a boyfriend in my teen years. (And my husband knows this) I think that’s why I freeze and don’t fight back. Sometimes I just lay there, lifeless. When it’s over I force myself to forget what just happened. Shove all my pain somewhere no one can see and carry on. But I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. Iv put up with it for 10 years. Now here I am telling my story to strangers cause I’m too ashamed to tell a friend. This cannot be normal part of marriage. Right? This dosnt feel like love. As a wife am I suppose to please my husband whenever and however he wants? Am I being sexually manipulated? Is this really spousal rape? Or am I being dramatic? Why is this so confusing to me 😔


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Rosemary555 said:


> Hello, I’m new here and just looking for some insight. This might be a long read. Trigger warning for those who might be sensitive to this topic.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I was 20 when we met in college. We fell in love hard and fast, I moved in with him that first year. 3 years into our relationship I get pregnant. My family pressured me to marry him before having the baby (religious reasons) I gave in not wanting to disappoint my family even though I had my doubts I felt it was the right thing to do. 3 months after I had my baby, I was using his old phone to put some music on for her to go to sleep. I found multiple hookup websites, pictures of women and odd porn searches on his phone. I confronted him and he begged me to forgive him and that he was just being stupid and he never actually did anything physical. Just virtual sex. He cried how sorry he was and how he can’t lose me.
> obviously I forgave him and we continued our lives together.
> ...


This is both mental and physical domestic abuse and the way you have described this appears to be extreme domestic abuse.
If you are in a western country the divorce court systems mostly work in favour of the women, especially when children are involved.
Visit a lawyer and obtain legal advice and then file for divorce.
My question is, will you do this or will you respond with I love him?
What do you intend to do? Because you already know the score if you remain with this loser, there is no need to spell it out.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Unacceptable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Go and see a lawyer and begin the divorce process. 
This isn't in anyway acceptable behaviour. 
You would be far better off away from him as would your child.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Yeah..
Sounds like spousal rape...
Definitely get out of the relationship


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

This is disgusting. There are many similarities between what I read here and my former husbands approach to things. I was never forced physically, however there was a lot of mental manipulation to make me perform when I wasn’t in the mood.

This is NOT okay. My husband was hyper sexual too, I found out later in he’d been abused when he was younger and in his case I feel like that led to some of his hyper sexuality, however I would like to make it clear that is not the same for all victims of sexual abuse. So I’m not limping anyone together. 

You need to get help to save yourself from this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Your husband is not loving you, he's using you. He's the opposite of what a good husband should be.
A selfish brute.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your man is abusive and a rapist. Don't waste the rest of this one life with someone like that. Be very careful when choosing the next one. And if you're in the US, do be sure he gets 50/50 custody so that you have half of the days of the week to work full time and have some leisure and social time. Don't be one of those women who acquiesces to being the main caretaker of the kids because you don't want to share them with their father. That would only leave him with no responsibility and plenty of time, while leaving you a single mother who is overwhelmed all the time and can't make a proper living. It's normal in the US for both parents to have the kids half the time, whether it's each has them every other week or they exchange on Wednesday and each have them one weekend day plus 2 1/2 weekdays. That way it's truly equal and whoever has the kids needs to take full care and taxi-ing of them those days without bothering the other parent to do it. 

See an attorney. Don't put it off. Think of your children and the example this is setting for them, that it's okay for Dad to be overbearing and sexually exploitive and it's okay for you to put up with it. Your kids will model after both of you. Set an example here by divorcing to say that is not okay, not okay to act that way and be abusive and not okay to lay down and take it. Marital rape is still rape by any standards in the civilized countries.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your man is abusive and a rapist. Don't waste the rest of this one life with someone like that. Be very careful when choosing the next one. And if you're in the US, do be sure he gets 50/50 custody so that you have half of the days of the week to work full time and have some leisure and social time. Don't be one of those women who acquiesces to being the main caretaker of the kids because you don't want to share them with their father. That would only leave him with no responsibility and plenty of time, while leaving you a single mother who is overwhelmed all the time and can't make a proper living. It's normal in the US for both parents to have the kids half the time, whether it's each has them every other week or they exchange on Wednesday and each have them one weekend day plus 2 1/2 weekdays. That way it's truly equal and whoever has the kids needs to take full care and taxi-ing of them those days without bothering the other parent to do it.
> 
> See an attorney. Don't put it off. Think of your children and the example this is setting for them, that it's okay for Dad to be overbearing and sexually exploitive and it's okay for you to put up with it. Your kids will model after both of you. Set an example here by divorcing to say that is not okay, not okay to act that way and be abusive and not okay to lay down and take it. Marital rape is still rape by any standards in the civilized countries.



While you make good points, that’s assuming he’s a decent father. I would sacrifice my leisure and everything to keep them from being raised by trash. It’s not about being selfish and just keeping them from their dad. Forget that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While you make good points, that’s assuming he’s a decent father. I would sacrifice my leisure and everything to keep them from being raised by trash. It’s not about being selfish and just keeping them from their dad. Forget that.


If he isn't, then why does she still have the kids in the house with him, though? So I assume she thinks he's at least not abusive to them, though abusing her IS abusive to the kids, which is why they need to not be around the kids together. And she should certainly train any daughters or sons to report any inappropriate touching even if it's by someone they know and trust.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divorce is a legit option.

But even if you want to remain together, you’re probably going to have to blow something up and take hostages to get him to listen to you and take you seriously.

Since just talking about it in the past has not worked, you will probably have to at minimum draw up legal separation papers and move out and have marriage counseling/marital therapy consistently for a long period of time before you consider moving back.

I would also have your lawyer write up a big scary document delivered via certified mail defining marital rape laws and stating what legal actions can result in continued sexual contact without your consent.

Actual rape charges are very hard to prosecute under the best of circumstances, but much of what lawyers do is write scary threatening letters saying what ‘can’ happen if people’s conduct does not change.

Bottom line here is talk is not going to change his behavior, you are going to have to take some pretty drastic actions. This guy is an abuser and predator and those can only be dealt with through action. You can not chant some magic phrase or sprinkle magic pixie dust on them and have them transform into a decent person.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rosemary555 said:


> Hello, I’m new here and just looking for some insight. This might be a long read. Trigger warning for those who might be sensitive to this topic.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I was 20 when we met in college. We fell in love hard and fast, I moved in with him that first year. 3 years into our relationship I get pregnant. My family pressured me to marry him before having the baby (religious reasons) I gave in not wanting to disappoint my family even though I had my doubts I felt it was the right thing to do. 3 months after I had my baby, I was using his old phone to put some music on for her to go to sleep. I found multiple hookup websites, pictures of women and odd porn searches on his phone. I confronted him and he begged me to forgive him and that he was just being stupid and he never actually did anything physical. Just virtual sex. He cried how sorry he was and how he can’t lose me.
> obviously I forgave him and we continued our lives together.
> ...


It is not normal. It isn't love. Although I believe a husband and wife should give themselves to their spouse, this isn't what it should look like. Your husband is a POS rapist as far as I'm concerned, based on your description. You aren't being dramatic. It is confusing because you can't believe a man that is supposed to love you sees you as nothing more than "thanks for letting me use your body".

You really should be divorcing IMO.


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## visionary (Mar 4, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he isn't, then why does she still have the kids in the house with him, though? So I assume she thinks he's at least not abusive to them, though abusing her IS abusive to the kids, which is why they need to not be around the kids together. And she should certainly train any daughters or sons to report any inappropriate touching even if it's by someone they know and trust.


It's different when she is there because she can protect the child and play a level of damage control. And/or sense if something is off. Abusers are notoriously successful in getting their victims, including children, to be quiet about it. Some people never tell anyone. In fact, with OP gone, her husband may seek new victims. 

This guy is scum-of-the-earth abusive, OP. You know this isn't right on any level. Please gather as much evidence as you can while contacting a _good_ attorney. And please call a _reputable_ domestic violence organization for assistance in making an escape plan. Attorneys are great for the legal aspects, but can be awful in the personal safety arena. I learned the hard way when I listened to a lawyer's crappy advice to ask my abusive ex for permission to leave. My ex flipped out. 

We can't negotiate with abusers when we're still under their thumbs. Praying for you and your child, OP.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He’s most definitely abusing you and is a rapist. I don’t like how society wants us to lessen the meaning of rape, simply because it’s done in a marriage. It’s rape, nonetheless.

I’d seek legal advice and really think about leaving. You’re not imagining anything.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> He’s most definitely abusing you and is a rapist. I don’t like how society wants us to lessen the meaning of rape, simply because it’s done in a marriage. It’s rape, nonetheless.


actually just a few generations ago there were exemptions in the law where a husband could NOT be charged with rape of his wife. 

It is at least recognized as an actual crime now.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Repulsive.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rosemary555 said:


> Hello, I’m new here and just looking for some insight. This might be a long read. Trigger warning for those who might be sensitive to this topic.
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years. I was 20 when we met in college. We fell in love hard and fast, I moved in with him that first year. 3 years into our relationship I get pregnant. My family pressured me to marry him before having the baby (religious reasons) I gave in not wanting to disappoint my family even though I had my doubts I felt it was the right thing to do. 3 months after I had my baby, I was using his old phone to put some music on for her to go to sleep. I found multiple hookup websites, pictures of women and odd porn searches on his phone. I confronted him and he begged me to forgive him and that he was just being stupid and he never actually did anything physical. Just virtual sex. He cried how sorry he was and how he can’t lose me.
> obviously I forgave him and we continued our lives together.
> ...


He needs help but so do you. Get your legal ducks in a row and explain everything to a good lawyer. You obviously can't keep living like this and a lawyer will give you the best advice because you are probably going to have to divorce.

I'm a very high drive man so I know about wanting sex a lot but I'm a world away from how your husband is treating you.

He's mentally ill and abusing you in this barbarian's opinion.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> He's mentally ill and abusing you in this barbarian's opinion.


I wouldn't be surprised if he has some literal psycopathic/sociopathic mental issues going on. That kind of behavior is not just being horny.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He is an abusive POS. Some of what you state are rape. BUT you have to stand up for yourself. Nothing can be done, until you stand up.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Rosemary555 said:


> Now here I am telling my story to strangers cause I’m too ashamed to tell a friend. This cannot be normal part of marriage. Right? This dosnt feel like love.


Not normal at all. Not acceptable.



> As a wife am I suppose to please my husband whenever and however he wants?


No. But your religion might teach otherwise.



> Am I being sexually manipulated? Is this really spousal rape? Or am I being dramatic? Why is this so confusing to me


The definition of rape has been greatly expanded with regard to consent. Regardless, you need to get out.

It’s confusing because there’s a fine line between a consensual act and sexual assault. Some spouses would be okay with waking up during a sexual act (regardless of the law) but your situation is different.


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