# need marriage advice from Women



## heartbrokenbill (Mar 14, 2013)

I have been married over 20 years to the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of our life together. I adore her, I do laundry, dishes, start her car on cold mornings, run errands for her and help with our kids. She is just amazing. She has complained that I don't show her enough affection and I know she's right. The only real issue we have had is about money. It comes up every 3 or 4 months and we always get past it (I usually bring it up and end up apologizing as it upsets her). Recently I brought it up twice over about a month and she was really hurt by it. I love my wife dearly and always explain to her that I'm just looking out for the family & our future. I know I can come across as condescending but I think I'm being reasonable. Recently a friend of hers died and instead of her coming to me to be consoled, she was very distant. When I asked her if she was ok, she said she doesn't know why she feels so bad inside and why it's mainly around me. I know she is hurting because of her friend but she is friendly with everyone else but me. I apologized to her and admitted that I can be a jerk sometimes & have been going overboard to make her happy. 

She said to give her time but I'm really scared she doesn't love me anymore - I've never had this feeling about our relationship before. I don't know what to do.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

What exactly are the money issues that you keep brining up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's a book called Married Man Sex Life that gets recommended on here all the time, something about guys needing to be more assertive and therefore they are more attractive to their wives. I've never read it nor has my husband, but maybe there's something in it that could help you.

It does sound kind of like you follow her around with your tongue out like a puppy dog. My husband tends to be that way if I let him - he has a helluva time 'manning up', as they say, in some ways. I have to tell him a lot that I do NOT like it when he does things just to make me happy. It's actually selfish to do that - it doesn't give me the opportunity to please him then.

Please note that your wife saying you don't show her enough affection may not be what she really means either. She may not even know WHAT she means. She may just know something's not quite right.

There's also a book called His Needs Her Needs that hubby and I have found very helpful.


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## heartbrokenbill (Mar 14, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.
I don't follow her around, not clingy in any way. She will come up to me and hug me and ask why I don't do the same. I do - but not as often as I should. 

The money issue revolves mainly around her business, it's been struggling for 6 years and doesn't make much money. It's also seasonal which doesn't help. I talk about a budget but it never goes anywhere. I always tell her how impressed I am with how hard she works (I have my own business too and know what it's like). 
I asked if we should go to counseling but she said just to give her time.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I see a communiction problem here. You state that you do all these things for her.. but she tells you she wants more attention.

What I see is this.. you are doing for HER what YOU believe she needs... you ARE NOT meeting her needs. You are meeting what YOU think she needs.

You both need to meet the others needs.. Not what you perceive your partner wants. 

Communication and 'hearing' what your SO says and feels is the key.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, not sure if I am on or off here but, I don’t think your wife feels your love and she also does not feel validated. This is hard for some women to express especially if they have already vocalized it but it goes unheard. Women have to feel emotionally connected to their man. They get there by the man validating them. I also believe that she may have pulled away from you after her friend died because she was looking at her own life and how quickly it could end and maybe she isn’t that happy with it. It also sounds like she is feeling like a bit of a failure with her business which is just compounding things.
Ask her to write down her feelings, needs, wants and also what you do or don’t do that isn’t meeting those. By writing it down she can take her time, reflect on situations and get everything out without being interrupted. The bonus for you is that you get to keep referring back to it, make the specific changes she sites and you get an ABC list from her that you can follow.
I just did this with my husband of almost 29 years and so far it seems to have made a difference.
Good luck


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## heartbrokenbill (Mar 14, 2013)

Thanks for the great advice. 
We had another talk again yesterday. She said at one point that she loves me but is not in love with me. I told her I would do whatever it takes to gain her love back. I've never felt so bad in my life. We talked about her upbringing (her father was a real controlling jerk) and how she never wants to feel fear again. Apparently when we have discussions about money, her feeling of fear returns. I'm very easy going, I never raise my voice and always admit when I'm wrong (and when I'm not) but I know I come across as condescending. I told her I don't care about money, budgeting or anything but her. She said she has a block & doesn't know what to think. I've been sending her cards everyday at work expressing how I feel and how sorry I am for causing her to feel this way. She doesn't respond when she gets them. I'm thinking she needs her space to get things worked out. I might be going overboard with the cards and extra attention but I don't know what to do. 
I'm in my late 40's and I went for a drive last night and was sobbing uncontrollably at the though of losing her. I am lost.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

heartbrokenbill said:


> ...... I know I can come across as condescending but I think I'm being reasonable. Recently a friend of hers died and instead of her coming to me to be consoled, she was very distant. When I asked her if she was ok, *she said she doesn't know why she feels so bad inside and why it's mainly around me.*... I apologized to her and admitted that I can be a jerk sometimes & have been going overboard to make her happy.
> 
> She said to give her time but I'm really scared she doesn't love me anymore - I've never had this feeling about our relationship before. I don't know what to do.


There it is. She feels bad mainly around YOU. I agree, sounds like she's checked right out.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

The out of character over the top sending of cards needs to stop.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

How's your sex life?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

heartbrokenbill said:


> She said at one point that she loves me but is not in love with me.


Well, there you go. Google the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you" aka ILYBINILWY on TAM.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Maybe she is having an affair or is gearing up to be a walk-away-wife (google the phrase).

Book a marriage counseling appointment asap. Invite her to come along. If she refuses, go alone (I did). She thinks she's not in love with you anymore. You may be able to get her to fall back in love with you but what you are doing now is not working.

You need a new plan. Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *heartbrokenbill said*: I adore her, I do laundry, dishes, start her car on cold mornings, run errands for her and help with our kids. She is just amazing. She has complained that I don't show her enough affection and I know she's right.


 Sounds like YOUR love language is ACTS of SERVICE (and you are knocking yourself out)....where hers is Physical TOUCH (if this is the affection she seeks?)... you have been missing each other for years, she has built a wall of resentment towards you... Being a physical toucher myself.... I would too if I had a husband who was distant and thought he could soothe me with ACTS and not spending time with me, near me, touching me, some flirting and the stuff that makes life exciting ! 



> I'm very easy going, I never raise my voice and always admit when I'm wrong (and when I'm not) but I know I come across as condescending.


 too much of a Nice Guy.. she has gotten bored.. some honest conflict in your marriage is a GOOD thing.. show her your assertive side...she will respect it. 

Taken from  No More Mr. Nice Guy! ...... Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance . The book has more detail to each little item of course.



> Nice Guys are Givers
> 
> Nice Guys fix & Caretake
> 
> ...


There is problems with each one of those -the motivation behind the doing is the issue. What is happening is -- These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "NICE" they will be loved, get their needs met and have a smooth life. 

Here is the "not-so nice" traits of Nice Guys ...



> Nice guys can be Dishonest, secretive, compartmentalized, manipulative, controlling, they give to get, passive aggressive, some are full of rage, additive, have difficulty setting boundaries, frequently isolated, often attracted to people & situations that need fixing, frequently have problems in intimate relationships, have issues with sexuality, usually only relatively successful .


Of course those are not true for every Nice guy..for instance... my husband fit 4 of those plus a few we considered halfs in his case.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

I suggest you spend more time with her and try to be more affectionate as much as possible. Women just needs to feel loved all the time.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

heartbrokenbill said:


> Thanks for the great advice.
> We had another talk again yesterday. She said at one point that she loves me but is not in love with me. I told her I would do whatever it takes to gain her love back. I've never felt so bad in my life. We talked about her upbringing (her father was a real controlling jerk) and how she never wants to feel fear again. Apparently when we have discussions about money, her feeling of fear returns. I'm very easy going, I never raise my voice and always admit when I'm wrong (and when I'm not) but I know I come across as condescending. I told her I don't care about money, budgeting or anything but her. She said she has a block & doesn't know what to think. I've been sending her cards everyday at work expressing how I feel and how sorry I am for causing her to feel this way. She doesn't respond when she gets them. I'm thinking she needs her space to get things worked out. I might be going overboard with the cards and extra attention but I don't know what to do.
> I'm in my late 40's and I went for a drive last night and was sobbing uncontrollably at the though of losing her. I am lost.


Sorry you are going through this.

Too bad if budgeting and money makes her think of her mean dad. Its a fact of life, money does not grow on trees. Get her an accountant, a business consultant, whatever it takes, and have someone take a good hard look at her business. 

That said, I am sorry you are hurting over this. I hope you come back, let us know what is going on and maybe someone can help.


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