# Lesbian Divorce



## bella91 (Nov 30, 2017)

Last night, I asked my wife for a divorce. If you want the details of all the things I've been dealing with I posted a question called "Lesbian Marriage" in the General Relationship section in December 2017.

Our relationship has been so toxic for so long. I want to be done with it. Before I told her I wanted a divorce, I gave her an ultimatum last Friday that if she didn't find us a couples counseling session within a week, I would divorce her. She came home last night after ignoring my phone calls which put me in a bad mood. When I asked her about it, she got upset and started yelling at me telling me I was the reason for her stress and issues. So I decided it was time to end it, because clearly she doesn't feel happy with me either. 

But when I told her I wanted a divorce she started crying and begging for another chance, saying she'll change and we will go to therapy. One of the problems we had was her always, ALWAYS, bringing up my exes. And I have asked her over and over to stop. I mentioned that to her while she was asking what she has done wrong and she promised to never do it again. And then right afterwards did it again saying, "How can I not get another chance, when you gave..." And I just realized then that this was all talk, actions speak louder than words. She didn't cry when I broke down and told her I wasn't happy. Or the times that she has made me cry. She didn't change anything I have asked her to, even little things like that. So why is she begging and bawling about divorce? I pressed her on it and her answer was, "I need you. I can't do this without you." Which confirmed what I had been feeling, I fulfill a role in her life. I do things for her. I help her. What I wanted to hear was her feelings about me. She then said if I divorced her, she would kill herself. My best friend said it's just a way of her trying to control me.

She booked an appointment with the counselor today.

Do you guys think I should go through with the divorce or give her one last chance?

I care about her. I love her. I don't feel like I am in love with her. But if she changes, it is possible to start things over.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Did either of you cheat?


----------



## bella91 (Nov 30, 2017)

No, not that I can prove anyway. I never did, I suspected her but never found anything.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

before you decide to divorce perhaps read "his needs her needs" and some of the other books by Dr Willard Harley, mentally edit it to "her needs her needs" as the concepts are universal.

I will add that if she cheated on you she needs to come clean or your slate will never be clean. 

Tamat


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bella91 said:


> No, not that I can prove anyway. I never did, I suspected her but never found anything.


Go ahead with the divorce,you can halt proceedings at any time. If you back down now she will never change.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the problem with spouses who scream give me one more chance, they don't want to change under duress instead they often hope you will change and they can stay the same...go to the counseling, but i would put fixed milestones in place and if she doesn't meet them...then move on.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

bella91 said:


> Last night, I asked my wife for a divorce. If you want the details of all the things I've been dealing with I posted a question called "Lesbian Marriage" in the General Relationship section in December 2017.
> 
> Our relationship has been so toxic for so long. I want to be done with it. Before I told her I wanted a divorce, I gave her an ultimatum last Friday that if she didn't find us a couples counseling session within a week, I would divorce her. She came home last night after ignoring my phone calls which put me in a bad mood. When I asked her about it, she got upset and started yelling at me telling me I was the reason for her stress and issues. So I decided it was time to end it, because clearly she doesn't feel happy with me either.
> 
> ...


it is absolutely 100% possible for things to get better and for you to fall in love with her again. i will say this though... you will have to change the way you respond to her behavior. you will HAVE to use nonverbal consequences to her negative behavior. and, you will have to have a lot of patience. 

basically, its not easy to change. if she really is so afraid of losing you, then you have some leverage that you can use in order to influence change, but it requires you to change a bunch of things yourself, with the goal of getting both of you to cooperate with each other. so, when she does something that hurts you, you need a consequence in mind, something that you can do that will discourage that behavior moving forward. for instance, lets say she blows her top every time you try to talk about how you feel, and follows you around yelling at you, wanting a fight. in that case, telling her what you feel is not going to work. even if she says she wants to know, her actions say otherwise. so, you respond with an action. that could be leaving for a stated amount of time,(wife, i am not talking to you while you are yelling at me. ill check in after half an hour and see if you have calmed down) or just telling her that you will put headphones in, listen to music, and generally ignore her until she calms down and approaches you with peace and respect. 

whatever the case is, you should tell her that you dont expect her to be able to change everything over night, but every time she does one of those things that cause you pain, and causes you to love her less, you will do something that she will not like. just keep the consequences to things that YOU can do, and keep them non-violent. dont try to force her to do anything. if you tell her that she has to do XYZ, you are setting yourself up for failure. let her see that she can change the outcome at any time, but so long as she is doing the things that hurt you, her actions are causing her to lose you. 

also let her know how she can get closer to you. reward those things with your own efforts to improve your relationship. if she really wants to stay married to you, she will need two things: one, the motivation to change, which she seems to now have. and two, the belief that things CAN actually get better, which will take time. 

the fact that you have a lesbian marriage makes no difference in terms of how to fix things. the only difference is those that society expects from men and women behavior. men are expected to suck it up and deal with it with little regard to emotion, women are expected to express emotion. neither sex is intrinsically that different though.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have you given her a "last chance" before? If so, how many last chances are you willing to give before you give up?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I have watched a relative of mine go through a number of relationships in the last decade which led to me to the conclusion that we have a hard time with being constructively selfish. What I mean is that we need to do what is right for ourselves in order to be a good partner in a good authentic relationship.

You love your wife, though you say you're not in love with her. To me that is a big warning flag. You care about her. You see a lot of good things in her. But, you don't have that tingly in-love feeling because she isn't the right match.

I think we tend to accept something less than true compatibility. The other person is basically a good person with qualities we admire. But they are not 100% compatible. And this is where we fail to be selfish. Because we do care about them and they are a basically good person, we don't want to hurt them. So we settle for less than true compatibility.

Your wife may be 80% compatible with you, but that isn't enough. You each need to be 100% compatible. This doesn't mean a conflict free relationship - there is no such thing. Your wife has not made the changes she keeps promising to make, and thus she is not compatible yet.

It is best for her if you don't falsely stay in a relationship which is not right for you. There will always be problems, and the relationship will not be happy, relaxed, and fulfilling. Ultimately you may divorce. So, I am a proponent of marriage and family, but also a proponent of calling it quits when it isn't right.

If I were you, I'd go to the therapy session. But I'd also set some boundaries and timelines. There have to be changes soon, and they have to be durable. There are also a lot of great books these days on relationships. If you can both make whatever changes are needed and learn additional relationship skills, your marriage may become very good for both of you. But I wouldn't continue if there isn't real progress in a fairly short timeline, measured in a few months.


----------

