# Scared and confused



## Cliff1852 (7 mo ago)

I've been with my wife for 13 years and married for 7. Before my wife I was with sn on/off girlfriend for 10 years. It wasn't a healthy relationship. She had all the power, was older and she was always the one who called it off. She was emotionally broken from a hard childhood and in hindsight I loved her way more than she did me and she treated me horribly. She cheated on me a few times. But because she was older and I was 19 when we got together, although I knew it wasn't a good relationship, I didn't realise how bad it was until it was finally over.
I say that to explain why when I met my wife I went straight into a relationship with her.
I met her at a bar and we exchanged numbers pretty quickly. We went on a date and got on really well. I thought she was attractive but I didn't find her sexy. But we got on so well, and it was clear she was a nice women. So I figured she was good in so many ways, the fact I didn't find her sexy was something I could be OK with. Now fast forward 10 years and I'm In a weird place. Over the years I have little interest in having sex and we now only have sex every 1 or 2 months. And if truth be known its because she wants too, not me. We've also drifted apart. We hug, say we love each other and for the most part we get on well. But our sex life sucks and we don't do much together. We rarely even sit in the same room. As I type this I realise it sounds bad and is actually making me realise things really are not good. Now without going into details, I attended 2 drinking events my wife couldn't attend. I got on very well with a really attractive girl. But she was much younger than me and better looking. So we had fun, got drunk and as far as I was aware there wasn't a chance of anything happening. But towards the end of the night she made it clear she liked me. Nothing happened and we left it at that.
Now the problems my wife and I have that were at the back of my mind, are firmly at the front. The way this women at the event looked and talked to me made me feel alive and excited. Now I know she's younger and better looking. And she only knows me from drinking and having fun. So the reality of us being together in a relationship is next to zero. But I would love to see her again. But I won't. My wife doesn't deserve to be cheated on.
But I was smitten with her and can't stop thinking about her. But more importantly it's made me realise what life should and could be like. I know relationships can't be exciting all the time. And the honeymoon period is usually the most fun. But it's made me realise how bored I am in my marriage. I used to try to convince myself it was OK to have our own lives and that it was OK to not be in each others pocket. But that was denial. The truth is I'm bored of our relationship. I haven't told my wife this as I don't want to upset her or argue. But I also know it isn't healthy to keep this all to myself.
Financially we are OK but we couldn't afford to divorce and buy our own homes. We would have to sell our home and rent. Neither of us could split the equity and get our own mortgages. So a divorce would be bad for us both financially. But to be honest if she said she wasn't happy, met someone else and wanted to live with him, I'd actually be happy for her and for myself. And feeling that way is crazy and a big warning sign to me that things aren't right.
Now one choice would be to split up and divorce. But where would we live! And also I don't want to upset her and ruin her life. She doesn't deserve to be on her own renting because of my feelings. And she is a lovely person. But at the same time should I be married because I don't want to rent or upset my wife? I 
I feel ashamed, guilty, alone, scared, confused, sad and nervous. I can feel myself mentally breaking but feel like I can't discuss this with anyone so I guess I'm here simply offloading my scrambled thoughts. But at the same time any advise would be appreciated!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So you would be interested in a potential home wrecker?

Do you have children?


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## Cliff1852 (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So you would be interested in a potential home wrecker?
> 
> Do you have children?


No we don't have children.


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## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

You're right... you messed up. You "settled" for a woman who you were not attracted to sexually. I don't know of any men where this has worked out in the end personally speaking. 

It's totally unfair to your wife what you have done. Now, if you have any sort of respect for her... you will do what you can to alleviate her of the sham marriage that you asked her to be a part of. 

Maybe you can work on things with her.... maybe not. 

BUT you gotta talk with her about how you are feeling. You can't keep this bottled up. 

And DON'T cheat. You are in a delicate place here with the heavy flirty with the 'bar chick'. That could have easily went down a very bad path. You can date all the other women you want when you are no longer married... if that's what you both decide. Just don't totally destroy your wife by hooking up with another woman... you have already done enough damage that she is soon to experience.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Whatever attracted you to your wife is still there. It just has been relegated to the back burner. It can be re-ignited if both partners are willing. If you or her are not willing, then the best and honest thing to do is to end it. In the end it will give either or both of you a better chance to find what you're both looking for.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So you met a woman in a bar, got drunk together and your alcohol addled brain convinced you that you could have slept with her if you wanted to. Have I get it right so far?
Now you’re rewriting the history of your marriage to justify your urge to have a younger, more attractive girlfriend instead of trying to work on your marriage with your wife.
You asked for advice. Grow ****ing up!


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> So you met a woman in a bar, got drunk together and your alcohol addled brain convinced you that you could have slept with her if you wanted to. Have I get it right so far?
> Now you’re rewriting the history of your marriage to justify your urge to have a younger, more attractive girlfriend instead of trying to work on your marriage with your wife.
> You asked for advice. Grow ****ing up!


I like it. Call it like you see it.


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## Cliff1852 (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> So you met a woman in a bar, got drunk together and your alcohol addled brain convinced you that you could have slept with her if you wanted to. Have I get it right so far?
> Now you’re rewriting the history of your marriage to justify your urge to have a younger, more attractive girlfriend instead of trying to work on your marriage with your wife.
> You asked for advice. Grow ****ing up!


Kind of, but not really. It wasn't my drunken mind. She told me "I would love to be with someone like you" and said we should go back to her place. So It wasn't mixed signals. Nor was I confused because I was drunk.
But I get your point.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Cliff1852 said:


> Kind of, but not really. It wasn't my drunken mind. She told me "I would love to be with someone like you" and said we should go back to her place. So It wasn't mixed signals. Nor was I confused because I was drunk.
> But I get your point.


But I'm not understanding the relationship with your wife. You make it sound like there was never anything there, yet you stayed together for 6 years before getting married. What kept you together? Why did she marry you? And how does it feel, being so dishonest in your relationship with her, holding back that you're not attracted to her, really don't want to be married to her? You're taking her life away from her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You’re wasting your wife’s life. If you care for her at all, as a person, let her go and stop wasting her time. No one deserves to be someone’s plan B. You’re talking yourself into cheating on her. Stop it, man up and end it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cliff1852 said:


> Kind of, but not really. It wasn't my drunken mind. She told me "I would love to be with someone like you" and said we should go back to her place. So It wasn't mixed signals. Nor was I confused because I was drunk.
> But I get your point.


Yeah I’m sure she was really into you.
Let me give you a piece of advice that might help you in the future. Don’t ever, I repeat ever have sex with a drunk woman who you just met. You could be accused of rape and be sent to prison.
Mind you if you were jailed your sex life would probably increase drastically but not in a way that you would like.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

I know you're coming on here as you are confused but this kind of thing annoys me so much. So you got married and have been fine for years but suddenly decided that you're unhappy (and possibly re-writing your marital history) because you met a young hot woman at a bar who may have been interested. (the old I felt alive and excited limerence feeling- that always fades by the way) This is what they call Gigs or Grass is Greener Syndrome. You know, you made a commitment to your wife- why not try to spice things up with her and talk about some of your feelings. Perhaps you will find that she "settled" for you too and you can part amicably. As far as her meeting someone else, I think this would just alleviate your guilt and that is why you are thinking this. Yes we all deserve happiness by why not try watering your own grass. Even if by a miracle you had a relationship with this other woman, I guarantee that if you settled down with her the same old routine would be "boring". There are issues to deal with in real life and bills to pay and it isn't all roses. When fantasy becomes reality, you will be in a very similar situation. I never realized how quickly people are willing to throw their marriages away. Grow up.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You don’t love your wife and don’t like sex with her. File for a divorce


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Cliff1852 said:


> No we don't have children.


The bachelor life is wonderful. Think of all the privacy you can have. Eat where you want to, change your mind, turn around go somewhere else.. no argument. Do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and it is so good. 

I believe you need time to clear your mind. You keep hooking up with these women that ain't no good. There are good women out there that could help you. But you won't find them if you are in a relationship. 

You sound borderline treatment center eligible. I know it would be hard at first, being alone. But trust me, it will grow on you. 

Do it. Get yourself free. And someday you may find was I did when it comes time to settle down, that letting go of your freedom is harder than getting divorced. 

Be more cautious with who you date. It's not hard to start caring about somebody then donating your whole life to them then you're screwed again.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Yeah I’m sure she was really into you.
> Let me give you a piece of advice that might help you in the future. Don’t ever, I repeat ever have sex with a drunk woman who you just met. You could be accused of rape and be sent to prison.
> Mind you if you were jailed your sex life would probably increase drastically but not in a way that you would like.


Agreed, and if I may add... First date sex is a bad sign. Drunk or not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, fix your picker or you’ll get more of what you’ve gotten.


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