# Separated and confused/overwhelmed



## VMHD (Jan 8, 2013)

My husband and I did not have a 'normal' relationship. I met him when I was 18, he was 25. After a short period of dating (long distance) I decided to move to be with him. We ended up married after a year of living together. He was my first relationship of any kind.

Fast forward about 4 or 5 years, and we are unhappy. He ended up having an affair which I found out about. It was one of the reasons my parents split up, he had promised it would never happen because his former gf had done the same thing to him. It was a huge betrayal. We attended only a few therapy sessions, but due to financial reasons couldn't really afford to continue. We worked through it, and ended up still together.

He started a new job in 2011 that was supposed allow him to be home more, but instead it took over his life. Practically living at work, on call, and even when at home on the phone. It drove me crazy. Needless to say, I have been unhappy for some time.

November 2012 after yet another argument about him being gone all the time he announced that he was unhappy, and that he wanted a divorce. Honestly, I was shocked. I thought at first it would pass, but it didn't. I spent 2 weeks in a state of disbelief. We moved into separate bedrooms. I think I spent the next 1.5 months in denial, until Christmas day, when talking with his family he was making plans, which of course didn't include me. It was a breaking point for me. I decided to move out, and did so 3 days later.

On New Years he called me and asked me over for lunch and then asked if I would be interested in dating. I am so confused now, and don't know what to do. I enjoy being with him, he is still the first person I want to tell my day to, but I can't seem to make up my mind as to try or just to get out... 2 months ago being with him was all I could think of, now I can see I CAN be alone, and even sometimes I wonder what it would be like with someone else. 

We've tried dating twice, once at the old house, which was horrible because of the environment (the place is just too much of a reminder of everything) the second one just turned into a sex session, which was wonderful (sex hasn't been our problem) but of course he left and then I spent all day missing him and wishing he hadn't.

The reasons for his unhappiness seem entirely wrapped up with me; i'm emotionally cut off, and it is true. *I* was unhappy because I expected him to make me happy, rather than do things to make myself happy. I'm now in therapy and trying to figure myself out. I've only known him my entire adult life, and am so confused and extremely overwhelmed. I sway sharply back and forth from be with him to just get out.

I've now said that I think I should just distance myself from him for a while till I can get my head straight, but I'm not sure that is the right thing to do either. He says my personality is extreme, no room for middle ground, and as I think I'm doing it again, but I can't think of a solution. I'm already so hurt, I'm afraid of it hurting that badly again. Change is hard, and I don't know if I'm just going through the motions or if I'm actually trying... how do you know what is the right thing to do?

Help?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

VMHD:

He doesn't want to DATE you, he wants to FVCK you! (I noticed both 'dates' were in the house, not OUT IN PUBLIC like a regular 'date'.) He is USING you.

When I read how he called you up New Year's Eve and wanted to 'date' I *KNEW* what was coming and, sure enough, there it was in the following paragraph:


> the second one just turned into a sex session



He cheated on you.
He LIED to you the entire time he was cheating on you.
He has made your failed marriage ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT. He, apparently, takes no responsibility for problems in your marriage and NO RESPONSIBILITY for his affair! What a douche-bag!
Honey, HE'S USING YOU!

When he's in-between girlfriends, or when his current girlfriend is unavailable, he figures he'll fvck you. You're safe. You still 'love' him (at least in HIS mind). He knows what to expect in bed with you. He knows you have no STDs.


You're his Plan B.
You're his back-up plan.
You're his 'better than no sex at all' plan.
...makes you feel all warm and loved, doesn't it?

Kick his azz to the curb and NO MORE BOOTY CALLS!

File for a divorce and clean this mess up completely.

If you REALLY want to screw with his mind (and be done with him PERMANENTLY), tell him you think you're pregnant (if he didn't use a condom)...then watch him RUN! :rofl:

You do not need this guy in your life...he's a USER and a LOSER. You can do MUCH better, hon!


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## VMHD (Jan 8, 2013)

I appreciate your reply, but HE didn't initiate the sex, I did. There is also no signs at all that there is another person involved.

The reason that both were in the house (one at his, one at mine) is that I have societal anxiety; I dislike large crowds. 

He has been supportive through my searching for myself, and while it could be I'm simply over protective of him, I think that you've drawn unfair conclusions.

The affair was years ago, and he confessed to it, and had ended it before I had found out. He showed genuine remorse for it.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Obviously there is something holding you back from him. You know you want to get away and spread your wings, but you may fear the unknown, change or being alone. If you simply loved the guy and there weren't doubts in your head this would be a simple decision for you. I think you owe it to yourself to distance yourself from him and figure things out. You will be emotionally all over the place because you both love the guy and dislike him at the same time and this is a tough decision for you. You've spent so much of your life with him and know nothing else, but that is no reason to continue a unhappy relationship.

You admit to being unhappy and you've been down this road with him already. A number of times according to your post. Take a new road and see what it offers. Once you figure things out if he loves you he will still be there. You know you have some issues and are seeking help. I'd say let that run its course and go from there.

You mention you were unhappy and so does he, but you give no details on why you are unhappy with him, or him with you.


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## VMHD (Jan 8, 2013)

I haven't quite figured out all the reasons why I am unhappy. I do think that I never really dealt with the affair, and there have been times where he has been less than honest about things.

when I'm mad/upset I snap and am prone to overreaction. I often spin arguments to my advantage, and have found out that I am emotionally abusive. I have high expectations, which are unmet by anyone. He has said he no longer feels himself to be the person that he was when we met, and he doesn't want to be the person he is becoming. I'm negative, it effects him. He doesn't like to fight, so becomes passive agressive (not doing the things that I ask) which just makes the cycle continue.

I do understand that our patterns are unhealthy, and that we can't continue as we are. I just don't know if I am the way I am because of the relationship, or if I'm just 'that way', though I am in therapy, trying to figure it out.

It feels mean and wrong to shut him out, when he isn't pushing me. he didn't tell me to move out, I decided that. He still asks about how I'm doing, wishes me well, and is supportive of me. It would be so much easier if I could say he is a horrible person. We've just not been good to each other in the past. I don't know when, even though you love someone, you just say enough, and when you keep trying, and when you're, as you said, simply used to them so being away from them is seemingly unbearable.

I just can't figure out what, if any contact, or type of relationship I'm supposed to have with him now, that will allow me to figure all this out AND, no matter how it ends, be satisfied and not regretful.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You just need to make sure he understands all of these feelings you have. It sounds like this relationship, as it currently is, is unhealthy for both of you. Maybe you two just need to be separated for awhile.

You have a history with this person and will never stop loving him completely, but maybe since you love him so much letting him go to find a happier relationship is the way to go. At the very least deal with your anger and other issues. Stringing someone along is just as mean and painful as dumping them or cheating on them. 

Just tell him you need your space and work on the issues you know you have. Figure out why you are unhappy and then figure out what you want in life and move on from there.

Limit your contact to what you feel comfortable with.

You might have to come to terms that there will never be a completely satisfying solution and you will always have some regrets regardless of what you choose. Life isn't as simple and neat as people expect. Its overly complicated at times.


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