# Trying so hard. Dying inside daily



## veebras

My hb moved out abt 4 mos ago, he signed a yr lease on an apt 5 mins away on Oct 4. We were together 8 yrs, married 4. He left 10 days before our fourth anniversary which was devastating.
He left stating he wasn't throwing in the towel, or talking divorce and that he needed to figure things out. Said we had grown apart and he was not in love anymore. He said what is 6 most in a lifetime..etc. I begged and cried and aplogized and nothing, just pushed him further and made him angrier. At first he was still coming over nightly to tuck the kids in bed and coming over on days off and staying at the home with the kids. Slowly he weaned himself and began never coming at night and calling nightly instead to say goodnight, and watching them at his apt. Now he rarely calls and he does still watch the kids in his off days and mostly at his place, or they go out.
So after a coworker talked me into it I ordered phone records and found out abt 2 most after he had left that he had been talking to a 25 yo old waitress coworker (he's kitchen Mngr)..They had been talking for at least one month prior to him leaving. Calls at 12-1am for 30 mins etc. Ugh.
I confronted him and he got meaner and more distant and denies stilk that's why he left. 
Anyway, I love my hb so much, we have two kids, and he was my best friend. I pray and hope we can reconcile as we all deserve another chance. My her and soul ache for him daily. I am standing for my marriage, but so tough. He has been taking about divorce for 2 months now, but hasn't filed anything and has not let me know his plans even though I have asked and stated I was ready to see lawyer for dissolution when he was for him because this is still the last thing I want, but he hasn't set anything up and never discusses.. Which is good I tell myself..
Lately we haven't been fighting, I am simply nice to him and I still let him know that I welcome him back anytime and how much he means to us. He doesn't respond to that. I'm a mess, I can't function right almost. 
Any suggestions or advice on what best ways to reach him, or help him find his way back home? I know it has to be on his own time and what he desires, I want nothing less, not him back out of guilt or pity. Ahhhhh! I'm waiting for him.. I'll answer any questions, and thank you for listening!


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## veebras

Btw, his coworker OW comes over to his apt and has met our kids, she came and watched a movie with them recently, and is always calling. I'm so sad. I've asked hb not to have kids around her this soon, but he doesn't seem to care. My kids see how devastated and sad I am and this confuses them with her in the picture. 
I'm trying to let this rebound/MLC or whatever play itself out and hold strong, and love unconditionally.


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## 4311

Have you seen a marriage counselor? Have either of you gone to see a counselor individually?


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## veebras

We did years ago. And I tried getting him to go with me and he refuses, he only wants a divorce.. I have went on my own and to an IC for some time especially in the beginning of this separation. I was going weekly. I am going to continue IC now that Holidays are over! Twice per month. I have let him know in so many ways how badly I want to save us and work through everything, it is so worth it but he doesn't see that. Yet..?! I have faith. But hard.. Thanks
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## 4311

That's good, keep doing it.

This aspect of waiting for him to make the first move is not good. Don't give him all the power. When was the last time you asked him if he was still proceeding with the divorce?
I am not a counselor but this aspect needs to change. Talk to your counselor and get some advice on this part. You need to take some action, what action I am not sure of. What I feel you should not be doing is waiting around for him to tell you what is going to happen. I know it feels like if you do this you may be making the divorce happen faster than it normally would, and that could happen, but I think if he intends to do it he will do it. 
I would want to know one important thing - what "road" are you guys on? Are you on the road to divorce? Are you on the road to reconciliation? Are you on a road to indecision? Without knowing which road you are on it is very difficult to know what you should be doing...reflect on this, talk about it with the counselor, then come up with a plan to act on. Good luck, I know this is hard...


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## EleGirl

Is the OW married or in a relationship with anyone else?

Have you exposed the affair to his parents and family?

It's time that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below.


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## veebras

4311 said:


> That's good, keep doing it.
> 
> This aspect of waiting for him to make the first move is not good. Don't give him all the power. When was the last time you asked him if he was still proceeding with the divorce?
> I am not a counselor but this aspect needs to change. Talk to your counselor and get some advice on this part. You need to take some action, what action I am not sure of. What I feel you should not be doing is waiting around for him to tell you what is going to happen. I know it feels like if you do this you may be making the divorce happen faster than it normally would, and that could happen, but I think if he intends to do it he will do it.
> I would want to know one important thing - what "road" are you guys on? Are you on the road to divorce? Are you on the road to reconciliation? Are you on a road to indecision? Without knowing which road you are on it is very difficult to know what you should be doing...reflect on this, talk about it with the counselor, then come up with a plan to act on. Good luck, I know this is hard...


I believe the road he is on which also carries me with it is the path to divorce. He refuses to state anything else. However, I have let him know I am ready to go thru the process when he is but that is not what I want and I will not pay for it because of that. He wants us to do a dissolution, not divorce. 
But that was a month ago that I let him know that. And then last week I asked him what his plans are and to let me know if he is just waiting for money/income return time or when he plans on us filing and he will not answer me.?! I let him know that I am in limbo and so hopeful and that it would be nice if he could at least let me know his plans and give me some closure or knowledge so I'm not so blindsided and hurt all over again. He never brings it up though. 
I refuse to pay or initiate it at this point.
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## veebras

EleGirl said:


> Is the OW married or in a relationship with anyone else?
> 
> Have you exposed the affair to his parents and family?
> 
> It's time that you start treating him according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below.


She was in a long term relationship but not married. She left her boyfriend and moved out of their home a week after my hb got his apt. So appears they both left their significant others for each other 
I have let his mom and cousin know about the affair and my family. He is aware of this. 
Regarding the 180.. I have read about it and agree to some of it but find it very hard to do consistently, he's over twice a week for our kids too. I have backed off now and try to never initiate contact unless I have to abt the kids. But sometimes slop up and just text that I still love him and we will always welcome him back when he's ready. I no longer beg like I used to which is a step in the right direction. 
I guess I need to stop giving him reassurance and telling him I love him too. It's so hard because I feel like a lot of the problem is that he thought I didn't love him..! Thanks
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## veebras

She does not live with my hb yet at least.
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## This is me

I feel your pain and big hug!

The 180 is the best thing. I remember how hard it was but deep down knew it was what I had to do. It is for us, not them. I reread it and at one point kind of graded myself on how I was doing and where I needed to do it better. It paid off.

The book Divorce Remedy became my bible. Read part of it nearly everynight. Helped give me hope and keep me on track. This website also helped for advice and support.

Wishing you well!


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## veebras

This is me said:


> I feel your pain and big hug!
> 
> The 180 is the best thing. I remember how hard it was but deep down knew it was what I had to do. It is for us, not them. I reread it and at one point kind of graded myself on how I was doing and where I needed to do it better. It paid off.
> 
> The book Divorce Remedy became my bible. Read part of it nearly everynight. Helped give me hope and keep me on track. This website also helped for advice and support.
> 
> Wishing you well!


Thank you! When you say it really paid off (the 180) what do you mean? Reconciliation? Hoping so for you!
I will look into the divorce remedy, I have been reading a lot! I did read Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. I'm currently reading Broken Heart on Hold and have been reading the Power of a Praying Wife as well. 
I also receive a daily email from Charleyne Cares at Rejoice Marriage Ministries which is about standing for your covenant marriage. I find it calming and reassuring. I am having a hard time letting go and accepting and still having hope and being sane, or to have any joy in the process though! That is my goal to be content and okay in the now as that is all that I have.?! 
Thanks again.
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## This is me

veebras said:


> Thank you! When you say it really paid off (the 180) what do you mean? Reconciliation? Hoping so for you!
> I will look into the divorce remedy, I have been reading a lot! I did read Divorce Busting and Love Must be Tough. I'm currently reading Broken Heart on Hold and have been reading the Power of a Praying Wife as well.
> I also receive a daily email from Charleyne Cares at Rejoice Marriage Ministries which is about standing for your covenant marriage. I find it calming and reassuring. I am having a hard time letting go and accepting and still having hope and being sane, or to have any joy in the process though! That is my goal to be content and okay in the now as that is all that I have.?!
> Thanks again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We did reconcile, but the 180 is to help us empower ourselves through the hardships. I would read and reread it all the time to remind myself not to get weak and give in. The end result is we become stronger and sometimes it does help make us more attractive to our wayward spouses. Not always.

You should not look at it so much for winning the wayward back, as to give us the strength to move on, with or without them.

Divorce Busting I believe is by the same author as DR. I have heard some similiar guidance and may even be a newer book by MWD. That book, the 180, MC, IC and TAM all helped me through the dark period last year.

Hang in there. Life gets better.


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## veebras

It feels like its okay and I am in it for the long haul and okay with that, but then suddenly I'm freaking out again and anxious as heck. Needing reassurance and wanting to reach out to him to get t but can't because I know I won't get it. And I'll most likely be hurt even more. So I do what my friends tell me which is to not contact him. To back off. Well I try to do that. Tonight I want to call Jim so badly and profess my love and desire to work to save out family but I won't. I will be strong and face my emotions and not give in to them... So freakin hard though. Thanks for listening.
It really is a roller coaster.. Mostly downs.
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## veebras

So do I really push him away even more each time I reach out or seem desperate? I guess it makes sense.. But he thought I didn't love him. He was hurt. (I cheated on him. 2 years ago) And I didn't help him to feel better and I was an alcoholic. I have stopped drinking when he left me which is a blessing! 
So just wanting some opinions on 180, or backing off I guess. Should I?!
Also, he has said numerous times that I am manipulative or telling him how he feels and that he felt trapped and that he would only come back if he wanted to,(which def would want) but I guess he thinks me begging or asking is me being manipulatie or controlling.. So I need to STOP!! So hard
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## veebras

Well, my New Years resolution is to leave my husband alone and only contact when absolutely necessary, about the kids. He has repeatedly told me that he feels I am manipulative and controlling and he would only come back if he wanted to. Which makes sense.. And it seems every time I plead it makes him angry and seems to push him further away and also to conclusions. So I pray for God to give me the strength and the patience to carry they on this! It's so hard, I have always been an instant gratification, impatient, impulsive person and need to change this! Any suggestions to help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks and happy new year! (Was rough one for me as after midnight the tears fell hard)
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## Dewayne76

Same with my wife. Will only come back when she wants to. Said that tonight. It's time to move on. Moving on doesn't mean giving up hope I don't guess, but we just have to move on for our sake of being sane. 

Keep praying. I at least feel better when I do, though tonight I kinda yelled at God for letting tonight get so bad, but it's my fault. Not his.


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## EleGirl

veebras said:


> Well, my New Years resolution is to leave my husband alone and only contact when absolutely necessary, about the kids. He has repeatedly told me that he feels I am manipulative and controlling and he would only come back if he wanted to. Which makes sense.. And it seems every time I plead it makes him angry and seems to push him further away and also to conclusions. So I pray for God to give me the strength and the patience to carry they on this! It's so hard, I have always been an instant gratification, impatient, impulsive person and need to change this! Any suggestions to help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks and happy new year! (Was rough one for me as after midnight the tears fell hard)


I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## veebras

EleGirl said:


> I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley.


Thanks, I will buy that one next! I just ordered Hope for the Separated & How to Save Your Marriage Alone by Ed Wheat yesterday! 
I appreciate your suggestion.
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## veebras

Just wanted to say I am proud of myself sticking to my ny resolution so far so good....! I know... It's only been three days lol. But have not contacted and he called last night to say goodnight to the girls and normally doesn't.. Also saw him this morning (he comes over on his off days to watch the girls) and I didn't say much just asked him to feed the dog and said goodbye nicely. No telling him I love him or anything. Go me! I want to run and hug him and kiss him but what the heck, now time to see if he misses me and what it feels like without any pleading or love yous from me. I pray this helps!!! Also I know if it does not bring him back nothing will and that it will help me to get started moving on  last thing I want...
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## veebras

Dewayne76 said:


> Same with my wife. Will only come back when she wants to. Said that tonight. It's time to move on. Moving on doesn't mean giving up hope I don't guess, but we just have to move on for our sake of being sane.
> 
> Keep praying. I at least feel better when I do, though tonight I kinda yelled at God for letting tonight get so bad, but it's my fault. Not his.


I agree and I am right there with you, this is so hard. Marriage and family means the world to me. How long have you been separated? Best of luck and God on your side! Check out Rejoice Marriage Ministries online. Their daily emails keep me strong and faithful!
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## Dewayne76

Hey veebras. Um. I suck at timelines, lemme try..

T11 yrs, M7, 3yo Daughter
March sold property. I asked if she was happy with us. "Absolutely"
July actors showed up. 
August / Sept blow up from her spending all her time with teens. (the help)
Sept. half and half, stayed at home and at my moms. 
First week of oct: False R. Monday got together. ML. Sat. Was separated again. 
During haunt: she treated me like a stranger. hitting on everyone she could, etc. 
Oct 12: Left for good. Lived in my truck for over 2 weeks.
Oct 18: Asked for D. (day we got marriage license)
Oct 31: Paid Lawyer (Day we celebrate Anniversary)
Nov 1: She moved in with her brother
Nov 7: Place was seized over her non payment to rent. She owes $10,000 in back rent and over $15,000 in damages to one of the buildings. Her name only one on lease. She took lots of the intake from the haunted house. 

So. I guess about 5 months of hell and fully separated for over 2 months.


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## veebras

My situation has been going on since sept. so right there with you. It's so tough. I'm glad to have this forum to express pain and ask for some insights though. The club I never wanted to belong to lol.  ugh. 
I know everyone says to just move on. I literally am unable to at this point. I feel like everyone nowadays just gives up to ease their pain too soon. What can one do?! I dunno. It's tough but my goal is to remain loving and back off and no pleading but he knows he's welcome back and I am forgive and work on us for life. Man I wish he would wake the f up. In a major fog. Scary.
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## veebras

Dewayne76 said:


> Hey veebras. Um. I suck at timelines, lemme try..
> 
> T11 yrs, M7, 3yo Daughter
> March sold property. I asked if she was happy with us. "Absolutely"
> July actors showed up.
> August / Sept blow up from her spending all her time with teens. (the help)
> Sept. half and half, stayed at home and at my moms.
> First week of oct: False R. Monday got together. ML. Sat. Was separated again.
> During haunt: she treated me like a stranger. hitting on everyone she could, etc.
> Oct 12: Left for good. Lived in my truck for over 2 weeks.
> Oct 18: Asked for D. (day we got marriage license)
> Oct 31: Paid Lawyer (Day we celebrate Anniversary)
> Nov 1: She moved in with her brother
> Nov 7: Place was seized over her non payment to rent. She owes $10,000 in back rent and over $15,000 in damages to one of the buildings. Her name only one on lease. She took lots of the intake from the haunted house.
> 
> So. I guess about 5 months of hell and fully separated for over 2 months.


I'm so sorry. And on those days too of all days that's crazy. At least she didn't leave you for OM.. I guess.
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## HiRoad

Vee - you are not alone. I have 2 little kids and a WAW. She is out partying and now with posOM. You have to stop pursuing him, read the rules about the 180 here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049105 and follow the ten commandments.

You need to come from a place of strength and power.


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## veebras

HiRoad said:


> Vee - you are not alone. I have 2 little kids and a WAW. She is out partying and now with posOM. You have to stop pursuing him, read the rules about the 180 here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049105 and follow the ten commandments.
> 
> You need to come from a place of strength and power.


I'm sorry to hear you are going through this also  I hate this and life right now almost. I'm miserable. Really. Thanks for your advice!
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## veebras

I guess I am looking for some advice as to whether its okay to say I miss you, I love you. In a non confrontational, loving way with no pressure.?? Thru text randomly and rarely, lets say once per week!? And or when he's leaving after dropping off kids..? I have everyone telling me not to so I guess I shouldn't. And actions speak louder than words. Such as my kindness and respect.. But so hard. And like I said before, he thought I did not love him. But at this point I've been pleading and showing and telling if my live for four whole mos I think he has to know now! Ughhh. I'm depressed every Friday. Thanks for listening. Please some advice or some strength to help me to back off?
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## veebras

Well Hiroad also says to stop pursuing him. That's what I need to do I think. Hard hard hard! Haven't ha are in tree months now and I miss my man incredibly 
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## veebras

Had sex lol in three months ugh
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## HiRoad

Hang in there vee. You jave to stay strong. Face the pain head on accept ut and do not run from. You need to feel it. Focus onvthe 180 focus on YOU.Do not be masochistic. It is like you stanfing in the store holding and orange crying that it is bad... but wont pick another new up! 

You are better than this! You deserve better. Focus on making yourself happy. Please read the link. Read divorce remedy.
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## veebras

HiRoad said:


> Hang in there vee. You jave to stay strong. Face the pain head on accept ut and do not run from. You need to feel it. Focus onvthe 180 focus on YOU.Do not be masochistic. It is like you stanfing in the store holding and orange crying that it is bad... but wont pick another new up!
> 
> You are better than this! You deserve better. Focus on making yourself happy. Please read the link. Read divorce remedy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Makes so much logical sense but the heart is not logical?!!!!! Grrr. My emotions and heart are ruling. I need to focus on me and my kids and make life happen right now as it is.. He has told me I need to just live my life too. It's the most important thin to me though. Wtf. I'm trying and thanks for your encouragement!!
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## HiRoad

Yes your hurt and feelings are like that. The more you focus on the pain the more pain you will have. That is why we say focus on the 180 it is for you. 

s you will find out many of us have/are going through similar if not the same situation.

You are not alone. Come here vent.. read and study up on the subject. You will become a better person and partner. 

Agree with him and give him what he wants without hesitation, happily and cheerfully. 

You need to come from a place of strength.
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## veebras

HiRoad said:


> Yes your hurt and feelings are like that. The more you focus on the pain the more pain you will have. That is why we say focus on the 180 it is for you.
> 
> s you will find out many of us have/are going through similar if not the same situation.
> 
> You are not alone. Come here vent.. read and study up on the subject. You will become a better person and partner.
> 
> Agree with him and give him what he wants without hesitation, happily and cheerfully.
> Thanks HiRoad  I appreciate it. I'm trying that's why here! Always darkest before the dawn.
> You need to come from a place of strength.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HiRoad




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