# Am I just selfish?



## Selfish? (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi

I really do not know where to turn. I am getting totally conflicting advice from my friends, so I thought strangers might be more honest.

As a kid I was sexually and physically abused by my father - he died when I was 11 and my brother took over! I am a confident person, well appear to be, but I have no real self esteem.

At 16 I met my now husband. He treated me so sweetly and has never raised a hand to me in 20 years. He provided for the family - he works really hard. He does care about me and our two children (18 and 10) He will do the food shopping, cook and help (ish) around the house.

He never wants to go out - never wants to just chat - always moans about something or nothing, but can turn it round and I become the moaner. We shout or snap then I tend to come up out of the way.

In all honest I am totally fed up and bored. I have spoken to him about how I feel. He gives me no attention, our sex life is practically zero... i can walk about in sexy underware and 'come on' to him - but he is too tired, or cant be bothered. And when we do have sex, its bland, and over in minutes - I cant remember it being like that before, but for at least the past 3 years its been really 'hard'.

I love being with my girlfriends - I have several different close friends - he does not have any close friend. He does play sport on a Sunday evening, has done for 20 years, then he goes for a game of pool after. 2 week nights he also goes out to play pool. I really dont mind - it means I get to watch what I want or talk to my friends without him nagging or whatever.

I would say I am an accommadating person and dont really like to cause agruments and hate the thought of truly upsetting him.

But, i am so unhappy - i hate coming home after work, i would rather stop at work until 8pm, then have food, bath then bed. 

I have asked him if he thinks it would be best for us to seperate and he says No, I am his soul mate, he loves me! Last night I was in tears, telling him I think its best if we part, as I dont want to end up totally hating him. He got upset saying all he ever wanted to do was make me happy - but I am soooo unhappy. 

I love him because he is the father to my children and I have been with him for more than half of my life. Habit? me being selfish and maybe wanting the youth I never had

He has said he wont leave me - therefore if I want to attempt to 'change' my life, I need to leave him! And the kids (well youngest, because the eldest causes even more arguments. I think he makes a better dad than I do mom. He would be better to remain in the family home (which is all paid off) 

Sorry this is a bit jumbled, I hope someone can understand me and give me a bit of advice. I am going out of my mind.

Lx


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

To my eye it seems the thought of leaving the marriage is at least a little premature. It seems instead like perhaps you two have never really figured out how to talk to each other. Thus you play out very similar routines in which one of you gets upset, says or does things that trigger upset in the other, and then one or the other of you withdraws. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In this cycle neither one of you ever gets to address the real upset that's underlying whatever the current fight is. So nothing ever truly gets resolved, and the slights and hurts pile up. When a new upset is triggered, the whole mass of unresolved stuff shows up between you and it looks like there's no way ever to untangle the knot.

I would find a program or a counselor and start working on learning how to talk to each other. Chances are, it's going to suck at first because you're going to start untangling the knot. This is where people want to quit. Eventually if you keep at it you will have a breakthrough.

Don't get distracted by the tragedy of your past - and I don't say that to diminish what happened to you in ANY WAY, please understand that - instead, focus on what is in your control today. If he believes that you are his soul mate, he too will find the marriage worth the work it will take to make it functional.

Your kids will genuinely appreciate this one day. I promise.

Good luck.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You have reached the point where marriage takes a lot of work. Are you willing to do the work, or do you want to just check out?

I don't think you are selfish in your need to be happier, wanting to be loved, wanting a rewarding sex life, and wanting some excitement in your life, but you are being incredibly selfish in the way you want to just check out. You've found reasons to write off both your children, and you want to leave your husband - the man you credit for being basically a good guy. It's kind of weird that you never mention loving him - not in the beginning, not in the middle, and not now. Wonder why that is?

Doing the math, it sounds like you are around 36 years old. You have entered your prime of life, so I know where your desires are coming from. The only thing I don't understand is the self esteem part. It is a natural part of this stage in life for a woman to smell herself, so to speak, and practically become full of herself - overflowing with self esteem and sense of worth. What happened during your childhood has affected you that way, which I can understand. But in the meanwhile, you seem to think your self esteem is tied to other individuals, which isn't true. As long as you live thinking your self esteem depends on another person, then you can never be happy. That's just not what "self" means. You have to feel good and think wonderful of yourself. But hey, you are having these thoughts to improve your life and even to strike out on your own, so your self esteem isn't exactly flushed down the toilet. You just need to make a b-line and adjust your way of thinking because abandoning your responsibilities is not the way to go.

Are you willing to do the work, or do you just want to check out? No guilty answers. Just be honest.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he is willing, try counseling. You will benefit even if you go alone, frankly. I do think it is odd that you are willing to walk out on your kids, however, and would urge you to get professional help before doing that b/c while adults are (or have a responsibility to be) capable of taking care of themselves, abandonment by one's mother is an extremely difficult event to overcome. I suspect (total armchair shrink here, but I *could* luck out and be right) you felt abandoned by your mom, who did not protect you when you needed it most, and it is easy now for you to "detach." It may or may not be related to the way you feel about your husband; his unwillingness to address the issues you've raised means YOU have tried to reconnect and he is avoiding his responsibility in that area. But the kids--at least give counseling for yourself a try!! You may end up leaving your husband but almost no mentally healthy woman will leave her kids like you are considering. It's a huge red flag that you have some pretty serious issues to confront. Good luck and God bless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being in a rut is no reason to leave a marriage. You CAN have all those things you're feeling like you're missing WITH him, as long as he is willing to get out of HIS rut. How to do that? Stop Love Busting him and meet all his Emotional Needs (go to marriagebuilders.com to get the questionnaires for this). Do this for a good 2 or 3 months. Once you have done that - become the perfect mate for him, then you sit down with him and explain to him that you have needs as well, and he does Love Bust you, and you need him to pay attention to you and take steps to make you as happy as you try to make him. Explain that if he doesn't, you WILL fall out of love with him, and you WILL be leaving. 

Show him how to make these changes. Be very specific ("I need to have a board game night with you and the kids every Saturday night").


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## Selfish? (Jul 2, 2010)

wow folks - thank you for your honesty. However, I am now sobbing like the stupid victim !!!

You are so right Mal, we don’t know how to talk to each other. We used to always agree with each other to keep the peace and I never wanted to argue with him because I never wanted him to be cross. If he said the sky was green, I agreed. I have never seen him really cross. But for the last 3 years or so, my confidence has grown, more so due to work - I am good at my job and without sounding ****y, I know I am. I am on a good wage, equal to his and I 'think' he is not impressed with this. 

Thinking is part of the problem - I always try to second guess everything. I always look for the hidden meaning in everything.

Susan - yes, I am 36, H is all I have known. I am very confident at work, I know my stuff. But I am knocked down constantly at home. My hair is too blonde, my jeans too long, am I really going to eat all that???, should I not think about another diet?? (I am a UK size 14, a little over weight, but not obese!) he even asks me if I have brushed my teeth! As for loving him, I do love him, why? just because!... He took me away from a bad life and I owe him dearly. 

turnera - rut? a 3 year plus rut!!?? sorry, I am not at all being rude, I have tried so hard to make this work - I have tried to make myself love him in everyway possible. I am just so worried if I keep feeling the way I do that I will end up hating him, or I cry so much that I just finish everything off.

sisters - H is a much better father than I am mother. Our 18 year old daughter and I argue like cat and dog. We avoid each other now, unless she needs to use my car, then she is nice for all of 5 minutes. My 10 year old son love me to bits, I know he does, he loves me for cuddles and reading and help with homework - but he loves his dad for fun - for playing football, for taking the dog out, for playing on the PS3. 

If we do separate, my kids would be better off living with my H - fact. 

I think counselling is a good option - he won’t do it - he can’t see anything wrong.

I also think I need anger management help and maybe the Samaritans!

I should not feel this sad tho, I have no right to feel this upset. so many people are so much worse off than I am. He is one of the good guys - I just need to keep reminding myself that xx


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Selfish? said:


> Susan - yes, I am 36, H is all I have known. I am very confident at work, I know my stuff. But I am knocked down constantly at home. My hair is too blonde, my jeans too long, am I really going to eat all that???, should I not think about another diet?? (I am a UK size 14, a little over weight, but not obese!) he even asks me if I have brushed my teeth! As for loving him, I do love him, why? just because!... He took me away from a bad life and I owe him dearly.


Okay, now I see the self esteem problem. You didn't mention any of this. I'm not even sure what to call it except maybe it borders verbal abuse. He is disrespectful, controlling, always putting you down, and infantilizes you. Now I understand you wanting to leave. You had us thinking it was because you are bored. Basically, you praised him and also say this.........



Selfish? said:


> He is one of the good guys - I just need to keep reminding myself that xx


Yeah right. Keep reminding yourself.

I guess you don't see it. Most abused women don't. They seem to always think the man is "just wonderful except for......."

But you sure feel the effects of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Only you will know what he's really like. But there's an excellent book you can read to see if you are being selfish or he is being controlling. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. If he fits the personality, let us know; it will dictate how we advise you. If he doesn't fit the personality, as our advice will be different.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think you're selfish for wanting happiness, for wanting friends and fun and hobbies. I do think ending your marriage isn't the way to solve this, though. Yes, if you leave him, you'll have all the freedom you need/want to chase after those things you think will make you happier. But then you'll also have the guilt of having broken up your home, confusing and upsetting your kids, and wondering if you made the right decision. I think, especially given your childhood, the best first step is some counselling. I think starting out with just some therapy for yourself to deal with what happened to you as a child would be a great way to start, and then once you start getting some of that under control, then some couples counselling to work on the issues the two of you have together (some of which are probably due to your childhood). 

I think a lack of, or inability to communicate, is also a large part of your problems. It sounds like maybe you two let things build up and annoy you until you break instead of trying to calmly discuss things. So when you do bring stuff up, you're already irritated and frustrated so your attitude isn't one of cooperation but one of blame, which leads to the other one feeling attacked or accused, which leads to them lashing out, and it just becomes a vicious cycle that never ends. 

Next time he does something that bugs you...tell him. Don't be rude, accusatory or mean, but just say "hey, you know, when you throw the laundry on the floor like that, it really bugs me. Next time, could you put it in the basket instead?" In the beginning, he may still give you the same attitude he does now, but if you do this enough, unless he's got other problems that need to be addressed, he should start to respond to you in kind. You'll speak kindly to him, and he'll respond kindly. Kind of like teaching a kid to share...you lead by example. 

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also realize that when you are abused as a child, your REACTION comes out in your adulthood, because during your childhood you are incapable of protecting yourself. So unless you go to therapy to deal with it, you will end up choosing self-destructive behaviors as an adult - because the abuse 'taught' you that you are evil, sinful, and DESERVE nothing and can do nothing but wrong - so you will act out to prove it, even to the point of destroying your family.

Get help.


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## Selfish? (Jul 2, 2010)

Hi Folks

I am in a much brighter place today. :smthumbup:

ALL of your comments have really helped me focus on what is wrong and right in our lives. My H and I have sat down and had several long proper chats. I have really poured my heart out and even he opened up a fair bit.

I EVEN spoke to my Mam about it all on Sunday. I thought she would hit the roof (remember I did say I always think I know what others are thinking lol) she has been amazing. She has seen it happening for years but refused to step in and say anything, as it was my life (funny how I typed life without the f at first lol)

Sunday night she brought round a freshly baked cake for me - like cake is going to make it all better - bless her.

After a big adult sensible 'quiet' talk with H on Monday, we actually held hands in bed and went to sleep like that - now that might sound a bit silly, but I dont think either of us we ready for a full on cuddle let alone anything else, but the hand holding was really sweet and warm.

Last night he was in from work early and made my tea!!! awesome - he did go out for a game of pool afterwards, but none the less, the thought was there and it was great. I thanked him lots without going ott.

Last night my Mam came round and informed me she had been on the phone to my HR department and booked me a personal day off work for today and I would find out more later... 

H and I then went on line and booked a trip to Egypt at the end of the month with our son (not the 18 year old daughter, we have rightly or wrongly agreed we need time away from her as she and I do fight and he always ends up in the middle - she is 'happy':scratchhead: to stop at home and in all fairness is a really sensible kid)

...so today arrived - My Mam picked me up at 9:30 and she took me to a spa and we have had a great day  I feel so pampered and chilled. x

I am just about to start tea for H - I have bought a lovely couple of Tbone's - lets just hope I done burn them! 

There is a travelling fair near by, so I am going to ask him if he fancies a wonder out with our 10 year old son tonight as its warm (but a little overcast)

We are not going to try 'outside help' just yet - we are really going to have a go at pulling this round on our own - we have not ruled it out, but for now, we are going to 'date' again and work out why we got together in the first place - if is was love, we will find it again, if it was not, maybe we can find it - if not, then we will take it from there.

I have to be totally honest folks - I was so ready to jack it all in - and I dont just mean the marriage - I was in a really dark place for several weeked before posting on here (and I know its not just all ok now) but with babysteps and LOTS of talking (love the advice Next time he does something that bugs you...tell him. Don't be rude, accusatory or mean, but just say "hey, you know, when you throw the laundry on the floor like that, it really bugs me. Next time, could you put it in the basket instead?" In the beginning, he may still give you the same attitude he does now, but if you do this enough, unless he's got other problems that need to be addressed, he should start to respond to you in kind. You'll speak kindly to him, and he'll respond kindly. Kind of like teaching a kid to share...you lead by example. its actually working! long may it last 

Seriously tho, I am not fooling myself in to thinking everything is fine, I know it is not - but positive thinking and a lot of hard work on all sides, is going to make this work.

Thanks to you all for listening and actually being there for a stranger in need 

L xxx


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So glad to hear it! If you're going to do it yourself, how about this: Schedule a talk one night a week after the kids are gone to bed, or in the morning, whenever you have an easy hour with no hassles. Just sit down and reconnect with each other, discuss how things are going, what you'd like to change.


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