# Do People Ever Think, "It Was My Fault"?



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes. I thought it was my fault. I realised afterwards that it wasn't but the initial reaction is often: "What did I do that caused this?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

RunFromYourWife said:


> If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?


It is never justified. And yes, many BSs believe the affair was their fault, including me at the time of discovery. It is an odd but pretty common reaction.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It would be very unusual for that thought not to go through a BS's mind, to some degree, after Dday. It's human nature. Particularly when dealing with the devastation and most likely, a period of hysterical bonding. But it's a temporary thought process.

One of the most important things I've learned from TAM, is that no matter what the BS's marital issues; it's not the BS's fault - in any way, shape or form. I learned this despite an incompetent counselor who tried to convince me otherwise.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I absolutely went through the it's my fault process. It helped me with my own introspection and helped me become a better man.

I also found that her excuse for cheating being my fault was utter bovine excrement.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

My ex wife did the "I never would have if you just..." and "if it wasn't for you..." lines ALLL the time. 
She still does it, absolutely no remorse. It just helps me hate her that much more.
I have always been completely faithful to any SO and believe under no circumstance is cheating justified. If you're unhappy just leave the relationship, it takes some awful kind of evil inside to knowingly and willingly betray and hurt someone you supposedly love.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind. 

We are now divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

It was complete crap when it happened to me. There is no doubt that other circumstances had me already in the ****tiest time in my life, and it was horrible for my husband to have turned to someone else then. I never once thought it was my fault.

I did however, recognize that I was self absorbed, distant, and an emotional wreck for a ling time before it happened. There was nothing left to give to him. He felt alone.

Let me be clear though-it was NOT OK. It was not my fault. But I kind of understood where it came from, if that makes sense.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

workindad said:


> When caught, my cheating wife was very clear that her cheating was my fault. I didn't make enough money to provide the lifestyle she wanted so she was entitled in her mind.
> 
> We are now divorced.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How's her glistening "lifestyle" holding up now?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Never have I thought it was my fault. Maybe thats why I dont take it as hard as I should. In my situation, she betrayed her own son much more than she betrayed me. No, she did this strictly for her selfish reasons.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I have done that to myself. If only I hadn't asked my best friend to call my husband to give him a message. That phone conversation launched their EA and I am the one who gave her his direct phone number at work.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

"is it ever justified to be cheated on?"

Is this a serious question?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Of course! "I'm not (insert adjective) enough" runs through your head over and over, but eventually you find out that cheating has nothing to do with you. Depending on what kind of cheater (like my WH), they are so good at compartmentalizing that they honestly believe they still love you and care for you while going after some strange. 

Cheaters are just damaged. Everything I have read on the topic points to the cheater's problem being the cheater's problem. 
The ones who have gone through therapy (or are just gutsy enough to admit it) will tell you the same. For whatever little it's worth, my WH doesn't blame me. Gets angry when I go into "woe is me" mode and blurts out "It. Had. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. It was about me, things that happened to me, things that I wasn't dealing with" (background - he was an addict of just about everything - alcohol & porn mainly. No illicit drugs - couldn't do those in his line of work, random tests, etc.)

I feel sorry for those whose WSs are still in the fog of believing they have done nothing wrong. My situation sucks, but at least WH is at the point of taking responsibility - some people don't even get that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually, I must make it clear that my wife told me in no uncertain terms that her decision to cheat on me was not my fault at all. But I still blamed myself.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yes, I blamed myself.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

My main thought on it is you should want to be happy and do things that make you feel good so does lying, cheating, and hurting make you happy? Me no not at all that is why I couldn't...ever.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I never felt that it was "my fault". But now, after getting most of the "real" story from my WW, I know that I could have easily prevented her affairs. That's not the same thing as being the cause, but it still causes me lots of regrets.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

verpin zal said:


> How's her glistening "lifestyle" holding up now?


Not very well. Sugar daddy never materialized. She actually works to support herself now after she blew the money from our settlement. Now she wants us to get back together. That's a big hell no for me.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> I never felt that it was "my fault". But now, after getting most of the "real" story from my WW, I know that I could have easily prevented her affairs. That's not the same thing as being the cause, but it still causes me lots of regrets.


NO
Harry think of your relationship as a separate entity and the two pieces of you and her did not fit together in normal life. DO NOT blame yourself ever! You were being yourself given the circumstance, there is nothing you can do about that. Especially during stressful times your body goes into defense mode naturally and does things as naturally intended.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?


I think almost all BS's first reaction is to look within. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we ask ourselves where we went wrong. It is a pretty normal reaction. When our world turned upside down, we look for anything that gives us a sense of control. If it's our fault it's something we can control, it's something we can fix. Too bad, it's never the case. 

My STBXH gaslighted and blameshifted big time the first time I found out. Having never experienced anything like that, I believed him. It didn't help that the marriage counselor we saw at that time also convinced me that it was me who needed to change (urgh, still annoy when I think of it...so much money for such a crappy counselor). When I finally found out the full extent of his betrayal, I finally realize that he cheated because he wanted to, and he could.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Yes on day one I believed the it was my fault. The day I confronted her I was fully expecting to hear that she was having an affair even though I didn’t have any proof at the time. I thought I had prepared myself mentally for the “worst case” scenario. 

I just couldn’t believe my ears when the crazy excuses started to fly, the generalities of problems, never anything specific. I think I am pretty good at debating topics, thinking fast and generally being ready for just about any side of the argument. How do you defend statements like “I can forgive some things but not all” What is all? Never anything specific and I hear the words I never thought I would hear, I don’t love you, Im going to stay at my mothers. Out the door she goes. 

Of course everything that had occurred the last 15 plus years ran thru my mind, what cant she forgive, what did I do wrong. How could she never had said anything? I suspected an affair and I was stupid enough to believe that she would “own her decision” Yet all I am hearing is crazy talk. Next morning my best friend calls me and asks why her car is in front of OM house that early in morning. 3 days after that the wife of a friend sees them in a jewelry store buying a cheesy birthstone ring. 

The rest is shall we say history, she has never once admitted to affair, moving in with him, she has never even said his name in front of me. I still blame myself for what I am not sure. Maybe the part I blame myself for the most is I had absolute trust in her. I had given her the one thing I never gave anyone else. 

Is an affair ever justified, no. The marriage dissolving is not my fault. I may have made mistakes, everybody does its called life. I have always owned my mistakes in the past and will in the future so I own part. She cant.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I was flat out told by my exW that if I were more of a man she wouldn't have had to cheat on me. While I tried to convince myself it wasn't true and wasn't my fault the truth is that her words cut me right down the middle. I tried to prove her wrong by living a life of alcohol, drugs, fighting and bedding women. I resigned myself to be a real man, a hard man. What I was actually doing was taking out my hatred of her against all women but even more than that I was showing how much I hated myself. It didn't get any better until I hit bottom....several times.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think it varies. I do have a friend and she was extremely patient and accommodating and trying cheating was an understandable reaction to a cold and unfeeling spouse.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

I never thought the affair was my fault. Certainly I blamed myself for half our martial problems. Initially, my wife blamed me for shutting her out, for not loving her, etc. However, over time my wife has taken full responsibility for her affair.


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

honcho said:


> Yes on day one I believed the it was my fault. The day I confronted her I was fully expecting to hear that she was having an affair even though I didn’t have any proof at the time. I thought I had prepared myself mentally for the “worst case” scenario.
> 
> I just couldn’t believe my ears when the crazy excuses started to fly, the generalities of problems, never anything specific. I think I am pretty good at debating topics, thinking fast and generally being ready for just about any side of the argument. How do you defend statements like “I can forgive some things but not all” What is all? Never anything specific and I hear the words I never thought I would hear, I don’t love you, Im going to stay at my mothers. Out the door she goes.
> 
> ...


Yea am really annoyed at myself too for being so trusting of my wife. Always giving everything and every chance to own her adultery but always lying about it. It really is painful to watch someone you trusted that much and someone who could have been honest with me turn into such an evil, twisted lier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KevinScotland (Oct 7, 2012)

KevinScotland said:


> Yea am really annoyed at myself too for being so trusting of my wife. Always giving everything and every chance to own her adultery but always lying about it. It really is painful to watch someone you trusted that much and someone who could have been honest with me turn into such an evil, twisted lier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just to add - I have a new girl friend now. She's lovely and very easy to get on with and she adores me. Am much happier now than my stbxw ever gave me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Its also known as the "YEAH BUT's"!!! Used by the WS's that have not cleared the fog and/or not yet remorseful!!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Its also known as the "YEAH BUT's"!!! Used by the WS's that have not cleared the fog and/or not yet remorseful!!



Yep mine was always "Okay I'm Sorry ...But .....and you..."


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Lets be simplistic - even though every marriage is complex and unique a marriage going wrong is not the fault if one person - it cant be very rarely, however it can easiily be 75% one way and 25% the other so the balance can often be completely askew

For me it's the reaction to it that counts. I always said and she agreed if either one of us feels us gravitating to another peron romanticlly emtionally etc then we talk about it and why. If it continues then we have to split we finish, be honest and treat each other with respect even in parting then at least there will be respect after the event. Lets agree not to fk around with lies treachery betrayal and deceit. She wholeheartedly agreed

Er........

yeah "sorry...but" :scratchhead:


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

If we fail to acknowledge what we did to contribute to the problems in a marriage then we resign ourselves to making the same mistakes again. If we are emotionally distant, abusive, drink too much or whatever and fail to correct these then we deserve to be divorced. Some spouses make the mistake of having an affair rather than divorcing us, but we can't use that mistake of theirs to excuse our own misconduct. "My fault" is too trite an expression for this. 

Other spouses are just selfish have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too narcissists.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, initially I did think I had contributed to the climate where it could happen but I have always known in my heart of hearts it it is so much bullsh!t. 

It is just a convenient argument for my WS to avoid acceptance of her responsibility. She still likes to believe her actions were justified ie "You shut me out" etc.

I don't accept an iota of the idea that I contributed to her affair. She had an affair and it's about time she learned to own the fact.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Yes!!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Things may have gone downhill over time but we were still under the same roof carrying on a relationship and raising children. My WS decided to opt out for a while. When I busted her, after the fact, she proclaimed I have always been the one. Apparently all is OK now - the affair was just an aberration. Ummmm....


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Difficulties in relationships must be burdened by those involved. The burden of an affair however must fall solely to the cheater. No matter what the difficulties were in the relationship, the betrayed spouse did not deserve to be betrayed, cheated on, or stabbed in the heart. I accept full responsibility for my selfish immoral behavior.


That's because you have strength of character. My WS still blames me - even though she has shown a scrap of remorse here and there, she still says I shut her out and didn't want to know her. That is true by and large, it did get to that level but it cuts both ways. 

What came first, the chicken or the egg? She would argue that I started the rot. Ridiculous! It doesn't matter. She has had me on an intimacy drip feed for many years. And that's because she can't do intimacy very well. 

In fact the counselor I am seeing now has suggested that my WS probably does not understand what love is at all and that her alcoholism is a huge roadblock to intimacy anyway.

I have to accept that my WS may never move beyond blaming me - she may never accept full responsibility for her selfish immoral behavior.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> I never thought the affair was my fault. Certainly I blamed myself for half our martial problems. Initially, my wife blamed me for shutting her out, for not loving her, etc. However, over time my wife has taken full responsibility for her affair.


Sounds right to me. Just because a marriage has problems that sets one spouse up for an affair does NOT mean that the affair is justified. What is justified is doing one's best to get the other spouse to listen to them.

Reconciliation involves digging into these problems. How much easier it is to do BEFORE the affair than after? But of course before the affair one spouse is often not listening.


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## Hartbrok (Jul 16, 2013)

Of course, like others, my WS immediately blamed me, but then appeared to accept responsibility. But the reality was, her level of "responsibility" was completely tied to my actions in her head. So I attempted to take a major share of the blame, and then she repeated her behavior. 

I think my taking the blame simply gave her the green light in her mind.

I hope someday to be able to know that there wasn't anything I could have done differently to stop her behavior, but I'm not there yet.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Hartbrok said:


> Of course, like others, my WS immediately blamed me, but then appeared to accept responsibility. But the reality was, her level of "responsibility" was completely tied to my actions in her head. So I attempted to take a major share of the blame, and then she repeated her behavior.
> 
> I think my taking the blame simply gave her the green light in her mind.
> 
> I hope someday to be able to know that there wasn't anything I could have done differently to stop her behavior, but I'm not there yet.


Effectively she set you up. Nothing could have stopped your WS doing what she did. Even if you had stuck to your guns and nailed her on culpability the outcome would have been the same. This is but one element of the pain of deceit, the powerlessness, the vacuum created by being emasculated. And all the while you get to wear some blame? Really, you are a better man than this - I know it, we all know it. Now stand up and know it yourself brother.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> I never felt that it was "my fault". But now, after getting most of the "real" story from my WW, I know that I could have easily prevented her affairs. That's not the same thing as being the cause, but it still causes me lots of regrets.


You can't prevent something from happening if you're not fully informed or aware of the real situation. A cheater is lying to you, trying to make you think things are one way, when they are another way. You can't make informed decisions based on a false reality.

What you should say, is you could have worked on fixing problems in your relationship if you were aware of the extent of the issues. You could have worked to prevent the relationship from becoming stagnant, or whatever.. but if your partner checked out, and forgot to mention that to you... You can't prevent them from having an affair if they choose to go down that road instead of choosing to be honest with you.

So to summarize, you can't prevent something you don't know about. A person blindfolds you, walks you into the middle of a street, they tell you you're in a field of flowers.. You kind of smell flowers... you get hit by a car, is it your fault? You should have heard the car coming right?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?


I'm a big believer in this!! It has to be plain as day though. I've said it a thousand times if my spouse had a bad drinking problem getting drunk almost daily, that addiction, gained a ton of weight, became apathetic, over time I know I would be resentful. I'm sure if she didn't make a effort to change I would CHEAT before getting a divorce simply due to the financial hardship divorce causes and not seeing the kids as much.

Thank gosh I don't have any of those problems!! Yeah, if you are piece of crap neglect your wife, hang out with the boys, hunt, fish every weekend, self absorbed work aholic, over time you have to wonder "Is your wife happy?" 

It doesn't excuse the cheater, but in many scenarios the BS did play a part and in many others they did not play a part. Every situation is different.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> I'm a big believer in this!! It has to be plain as day though. I've said it a thousand times if my spouse had a bad drinking problem getting drunk almost daily, that addiction, gained a ton of weight, became apathetic, over time I know I would be resentful. I'm sure if she didn't make a effort to change I would CHEAT before getting a divorce simply due to the financial hardship divorce causes and not seeing the kids as much.
> 
> Thank gosh I don't have any of those problems!! Yeah, if you are piece of crap neglect your wife, hang out with the boys, hunt, fish every weekend, self absorbed work aholic, over time you have to wonder "Is your wife happy?"
> 
> It doesn't excuse the cheater, but in many scenarios the BS did play a part and in many others they did not play a part. Every situation is different.


It's this mentality that allow people to cheat... Here we have an example folks, of how cheaters justify things. Step one, use the excuse that your spouse 'neglects' you.. Instead of communicating this to them, use the excuse that you share finances, so it's okay to destroy and abuse this person that you took vows with, because you're going to use the justification that they abused you, so it's okay.

If you have problems in your relationship, cheating is an option. Wife gets fat.. it's okay to cheat, don't get her help.. don't work on the relationship, find a girlfriend... Be an immoral ass, because hey, you deserve to be happy.... 

If you need any other excuses, let me know, thanks to TAM I can compile you a list pretty easily. The drinking one is good, spouse drinks, it's okay to cheat.... Don't divorce them, or get them to AA... find a new mate.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> But now, after getting most of the "real" story from my WW, I know that I could have easily prevented her affairs.


My friend if the "real" story led you to believe you could of prevented anything than that must of been the greatest fairy tale of all time. You're not the vagina police. It's not your job in a relationship to prevent her from unzipping her pants. If she can't control herself because she's an emotionally needy and weak willed person than that's NOT your fault. She could of ended the relationship with dignity. Instead she was a coward and threw you under the bus. Tell her to own her affair and to stop laying this guilt trip fairy tale nonsense on you because it is an insult to your intelligence.....


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> I'm a big believer in this!! It has to be plain as day though. I've said it a thousand times if my spouse had a bad drinking problem getting drunk almost daily, that addiction, gained a ton of weight, became apathetic, over time I know I would be resentful. I'm sure if she didn't make a effort to change *I would CHEAT before getting a divorce simply due to the financial hardship divorce causes and not seeing the kids as much.*
> 
> Thank gosh I don't have any of those problems!! Yeah, if you are piece of crap neglect your wife, hang out with the boys, hunt, fish every weekend, self absorbed work aholic, over time you have to wonder "Is your wife happy?"
> 
> It doesn't excuse the cheater, but in many scenarios the BS did play a part and in many others they did not play a part. Every situation is different.


A few things to think about... You're using the 'not seeing the kids as much' excuse to justify how you would cheat, but have you really considered whats best for the children?

You're worrying about YOU seeing the children, have you thought about what the children might think when they find out daddy has been lying and sneaking? Do you also want them to respect you, or just to see you? You can blame mommy's drinking, so now the children will have you around and a drunken mommy... Here would be a couple better options: Get mommy help for her drinking, get the kids away from her while you do that... Divorce mommy, and take the kids away from her until she stops drinking.. 

By cheating on mommy, you may give her an STD, you may kill your kids mommy.. She may get a gun and kill you, and herself.. also not great for the children.

You get the idea.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I blamed myself for my wife's first EA because I was young, stupid and naive. I believed the garbage she fed me about not being attentive enough to her. She eventually had PAs years later and I woke up and realized the problem was HER not me. 

Yes, I'm willing to accept my share of the relationship being dull and boring at times. Kids, careers and whatever are romance killers but how does that remotely justify jumping in bed with someone else? Even better, how does that justify being a home wrecker and having an affair with a married man? Even if I admitted I was the worst husband of all time, what did OMW and her unborn child ever do to deserve that? Any decent person with a conscious knows you don't sleep with a married person. So it's not the BS's fault the WS is an immoral person. No one made them do anything. They just acted on their own selfish impulses. They did it because they wanted to.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I blamed myself for my wife's first EA because I was young, stupid and naive. I believed the garbage she fed me about not being attentive enough to her. She eventually had PAs years later and I woke up and realized the problem was HER not me.
> 
> Yes, I'm willing to accept my share of the relationship being dull and boring at times. Kids, careers and whatever are romance killers but how does that remotely justify jumping in bed with someone else? Even better, how does that justify being a home wrecker and having an affair with a married man? Even if I admitted I was the worst husband of all time, what did OMW and her unborn child ever do to deserve that? Any decent person with a conscious knows you don't sleep with a married person. So it's not the BS's fault the WS is an immoral person. No one made them do anything. They just acted on their own selfish impulses. They did it because they wanted to.


Nicely put... it's a choice, that doesn't involve the BS.

If she gets fat, love her belly..

If she drinks to much, get her help, love her, don't destroy her..

If she neglects you, find out why.. 

Cheating shouldn't be an option, if you think it is.. why did you take vows and get married again???


Using those excuses, one could also go the next step... Why does she drink? Is it your fault? Is it because you're bad in bed? Why are you bad in bed, is it because she's less attractive? Are you less attractive because you have to work three jobs to keep her happy? Is it her bosses fault, because he needs an employee? The economy's fault?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

After reading many OPs in CWI, it's my observation and tentative conclusion that it is more likely to see a BH blaming himself initially than a BW. One also commonly reads a report of the WW blaming the BH for her betrayal - 'If you hadn't X, I wouldn't have felt it necessary to Y, etc.'

I can imagine many theories that explain this, but whatever the reason, the posters spend pages trying to disabuse a BS (esp. the BH) of the idea that (s)he had it coming.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*To answer the threads question more succinctly, the answer is, "Only to themselves." But to the rest of the world, they seem to remain fastly in denial and self-justification!*


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> I know a woman through work who was cheated on by her long-term, live-in BF. She is a very "no nonsense" type and gave him the boot. She was hurt, but she never looked back.
> 
> A few years later an acquaintance of mine found out his wife was cheating. They did not have kids. The guy blew things up in an interesting way.
> 
> ...


You should have asked if that's why her boyfriend cheated, because she is frigid.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> After reading many OPs in CWI, it's my observation and tentative conclusion that it is more likely to see a BH blaming himself initially than a BW. One also commonly reads a report of the WW blaming the BH for her betrayal - 'If you hadn't X, I wouldn't have felt it necessary to Y, etc.'
> 
> I can imagine many theories that explain this, but whatever the reason, the posters spend pages trying to disabuse a BS (esp. the BH) of the idea that (s)he had it coming.


If someone is about to embark on an affair, they can't blame themselves for going down that dark path, so they blame others... it's called blame shifting, and this is why people feel it is their fault.

They hear from people like the one earlier that think it's okay to cheat, if your spouse puts on weight.. So when the spouse goes astray, they are actually a hero, for trying to save the family and not tell the fat spouse they have a weight problem. It's noble, and they are not only helping themselves, they are helping everyone.. they are happy, spouse is fat and happy.. kids don't know daddy is a liar and a cheat and manipulates and abuses people, so it's all good.. What the BS doesn't know, won't hurt them.. the AP farts unicorns so it'll all work out in the end.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> My friend if the "real" story led you to believe you could of prevented anything than that must of been the greatest fairy tale of all time. You're not the vagina police. It's not your job in a relationship to prevent her from unzipping her pants. If she can't control herself because she's an emotionally needy and weak willed person than that's NOT your fault. She could of ended the relationship with dignity. Instead she was a coward and threw you under the bus. Tell her to own her affair and to stop laying this guilt trip fairy tale nonsense on you because it is an insult to your intelligence.....


In an ideal world this would be true. In the real world one spouse, usually the wife, has a real problem if there is a divorce. The problem is most often financial especially if the husband cannot afford to support her and the children (if any) while she gets her life straightened out. Jobs in this economy are not easy toi get, and minimum wage jobs just won't support even one person. 

So while it is easy to say something like "she should have just ended it", in fact it can be difficult. We have many stories here in which women make this very point.

I'm making a general comment, not one specific to the situation under discussion.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

And there is the 'finances' excuse, reason, way you'll justify being a lowlife over doing the right thing. Using people is wrong, using and abusing people that care about you, still wrong.. If you're broke, and can't find a job, that's not a licence to become a selfish jerk. Guy that robs bank to feed family, he's broke, jobs are tough in this economy, does that make it okay for him to become a thief?

Edit: just realized bank robbing guy is risking himself to help his family, not risking his family to 'help' himself, so he's not as low as the person that's cheating a spouse and family out of love and respect.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am just curious if/when people experience a cheating spouse whether they think to themselves that it was their own fault? If you are not giving your partner what they need emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise, is it ever justified to be cheated on?


I think we can be responsible for problems in our relationships, but I don't believe we are ever responsible for a partner's decision to cheat.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

sznzfyqing said:


> is it ever justified to be cheated on?


NO


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Both exH and I did eachother wrong. We both stepped out. We both told eachother. 

Yes, I do think I did some things wrong. Absolutely. I could have done a lot of things better. I think he could have, too.

Can't change the past though. It is what it is. Moving forward, I have learned some pretty big lessons.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> It is never justified. And yes, many BSs believe the affair was their fault, including me at the time of discovery. It is an odd but pretty common reaction.


Yes add me to this as well. I remember blaming myself 100% when I discovered H's EA. I even told him that I would go to counselling to fix myself As well even after DD#2 when we were in counselling I commented that I was glad that H gave me a second chance 

I think what happens is the BS goes into kind of a "fog" themselves.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> In an ideal world this would be true. In the real world one spouse, usually the wife, has a real problem if there is a divorce. The problem is most often financial especially if the husband cannot afford to support her and the children (if any) while she gets her life straightened out. Jobs in this economy are not easy toi get, and minimum wage jobs just won't support even one person.
> 
> So while it is easy to say something like "she should have just ended it", in fact it can be difficult. We have many stories here in which women make this very point.
> 
> I'm making a general comment, not one specific to the situation under discussion.


It easy to say because it's true. Cheaters are just too cowardly to do the right thing and have an excuse for every selfish impulse they have. If you're too broke to leave your spouse then you should be too broke to risk having an affair. Cheating is a CHOICE. So why choose to risk the financial ruin of divorce for an affair? After all, by your logic if you're too broke to end it then you should be too broke to get dumped after your spouse finds out your a cheater right? I guess finances aren't really an issue if you get to be selfish...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

russell28 said:


> It's this mentality that allow people to cheat... Here we have an example folks, of how cheaters justify things. Step one, use the excuse that your spouse 'neglects' you.. Instead of communicating this to them, use the excuse that you share finances, so it's okay to destroy and abuse this person that you took vows with, because you're going to use the justification that they abused you, so it's okay.
> 
> If you have problems in your relationship, cheating is an option. Wife gets fat.. it's okay to cheat, don't get her help.. don't work on the relationship, find a girlfriend... Be an immoral ass, because hey, you deserve to be happy....
> 
> If you need any other excuses, let me know, thanks to TAM I can compile you a list pretty easily. The drinking one is good, spouse drinks, it's okay to cheat.... Don't divorce them, or get them to AA... find a new mate.


What part of that doesn't excuse the cheater didn't you read? 

Yes, if you are a crappy spouse what do you think will happen? Are you a crappy spouse? If not then don't worry about it 

If you have gained 100lbs, have addictions, are lazy, apathetic than imo hell yeah you might have something to worry about!! 

Great job on adding to the post so again IT DOESN'T EXCUSE THE CHEATER but becoming a turd of spouse doesn't help things either.

You obviously took my post way too personally luckily for me my scenario will never happen to me 

Yes, if my wife quit work, wouldn't changed, became a slob, gained 100lbs, a alcoholic, and all around just sucked like many of the wife's I hear about at work (assuming a bit here) and my kids were under 18 I very well may go look for something fun on the side. There is no way I'd be interested in that!!! 

My wife and I are both within 10lbs of our marriage weight, work out, eat healthy, and I'm lucky as hell, but I know I would take the risk to cheat before just forking over 50% of my assets and seeing my kids on weekends. Then once they hit 18 seeeee ya I would get a divorce!!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> Yes, if my wife quit work, wouldn't changed, became a slob, gained 100lbs, a alcoholic, and all around just sucked like many of the wife's I hear about at work (assuming a bit here) and my kids were under 18 I very well may go look for something fun on the side. There is no way I'd be interested in that!!!


Soooo you're basically saying you only conditionally love your spouse? And what you don't think hot wife's cheat on their hot husbands too? That one of them basically must of had it coming? What's your excuse for the ones who really didn't? She's a lucky woman.... 



OhGeesh said:


> My wife and I are both within 10lbs of our marriage weight, work out, eat healthy, and I'm lucky as hell, but I know I would take the risk to cheat before just forking over 50% of my assets and seeing my kids on weekends. Then once they hit 18 seeeee ya I would get a divorce!!


No offense but that's an incredibly selfish mentality to have. Wouldn't you like to know ahead of time if you wife was planning to dump you when your kids turn 18? A lot of guys think their s*** don't stink till they get flushed down the toilet. Hope your not one of them.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

OhGeesh said:


> What part of that doesn't excuse the cheater didn't you read?
> 
> Yes, if you are a crappy spouse what do you think will happen? Are you a crappy spouse? If not then don't worry about it
> 
> ...


So the respect of your children isn't more important to you than money... and you say something is inexcusable, but then you list the excuses you plan on using to excuse the inexcusable. It has nothing to do with me or me taking it personal, just pointing out your hypocrisy and how your reasoning doesn't take into account your self respect, or lack of it. You're basically saying you're willing to sink lower than your spouse to pay them back for sinking low as opposed to working to help them or fix the marriage problems. I think it's a shallow way to think and is dangerous. That's all.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

(Hypothetical scenario)

My wife and I have a heated argument. I become very angry - so angry I become momentarily lightheaded. In that moment I enter a kind of "fog" where it seems my anger is uncontrollable. Suddenly I slap her as hard as I can, propelling her down a flight of stairs.

She is physically and emotionally hurt. But Isn't her injury partly her fault? She made me so mad.
----------------------
Not wanting to get off topic but obviously my point is if the B S needs to reflect on their setting the stage for cheating then we have to apply that same reasoning to other bad actions that happen during marriage. Including violence........


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> (Hypothetical scenario)
> 
> My wife and I have a heated argument. I become very angry - so angry I become momentarily lightheaded. In that moment I enter a kind of "fog" where it seems my anger is uncontrollable. Suddenly I slap her as hard as I can, propelling her down a flight of stairs.
> 
> ...


That depends, how much did she weigh when you married her? If she's within 10lbs of her marriage weight, then it's not okay, but if she's plumped up.. then she pretty much deserved it no?


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