# Sex and Emotional Problems



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Sex has always been a difficult issue in my marriage. It was before we married and it seems to still be an issue. Both me and my husband have emotional problems - depression and anxiety. Plus, we have a lot of pressures, financial, aging parents, etc. This type of lifestyle leaves little time for happiness and pleasure, therefore sex has always been a low priority. 

There are times in our marriage where we both seem to be doing better emotionally and the outside issues don't seem to interfere. It's during those times that I try to work on our sex life. But most of the time our marriage seems to be struggling to exist and it's hard to get into the mood when you're not sure if you have enough emotional balance to get through events others take for granted. 

How do other people with emotional problems deal with their sex life?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Sex has always been a difficult issue in my marriage. It was before we married and it seems to still be an issue. Both me and my husband have emotional problems - depression and anxiety. Plus, we have a lot of pressures, financial, aging parents, etc. This type of lifestyle leaves little time for happiness and pleasure, therefore sex has always been a low priority.


That has nothing to do with 'time' in all likelihood. Rather, you have little desire for sex. 

Really, sex can take as little as 10 minutes if you just want a quickie, and few people can't find 10 minutes each day. You are trying to battle issues, not the clock.



Enchanted said:


> There are times in our marriage where we both seem to be doing better emotionally and the outside issues don't seem to interfere. It's during those times that I try to work on our sex life. But most of the time our marriage seems to be struggling to exist and it's hard to get into the mood when you're not sure if you have enough emotional balance to get through events others take for granted.
> 
> How do other people with emotional problems deal with their sex life?


Have you ever thought about just doing it? I mean, even if you're not really in the mood, just going down to the bedroom, getting naked, getting under the sheets and just touching and holding each other and seeing where it leads? 

Sometimes, sex and love do not come naturally. Sometimes, you have to work at them in other ways.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

It sounds like you need to work harder to find time to escape with your spouse. Maybe a movie, or dinner out, or a weekend away. I agree with kingsfan above. I think if you 'force' yourself to do it, or schedule it, you'll be happy that you did, and it might take time to get revved up, but then you'll go with the flow.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> That has nothing to do with 'time' in all likelihood. Rather, you have little desire for sex.
> 
> Really, sex can take as little as 10 minutes if you just want a quickie, and few people can't find 10 minutes each day. You are trying to battle issues, not the clock.
> 
> ...


Sex never came easy to us for some reason. We have made efforts to have sex in the past, like you described and we did wind up having sex. Most of the time we just forget about it and watch a movie.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

IslandGirl3 said:


> It sounds like you need to work harder to find time to escape with your spouse. Maybe a movie, or dinner out, or a weekend away. I agree with kingsfan above. I think if you 'force' yourself to do it, or schedule it, you'll be happy that you did, and it might take time to get revved up, but then you'll go with the flow.


I never realized that I'd have to work so hard to have sex. I sort of miss the days when I was single and men were ripping my clothes off.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Sex never came easy to us for some reason. We have made efforts to have sex in the past, like you described and we did wind up having sex. Most of the time we just forget about it and watch a movie.


Firstly, there' nothing wrong with that. It's good to not have the pressure to have sex (unless you decide to do the 'scheduled sex' route, in which case sex would be expected). Secondly, sometimes just being naked and close to each other can still give that bond that sex provides. As long as both of you are happy with that, that's all that matters.



Enchanted said:


> I never realized that I'd have to work so hard to have sex. I sort of miss the days when I was single and men were ripping my clothes off.


And why isn't your husband ripping your clothes off now? I suspect some of it is him, but I also suspect that you weren't battling (or at least displaying) the issues you have now in your original post. I doubt many men were ripping off your clothes as you struggled through a bout of depression or anxiety.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Firstly, there' nothing wrong with that. It's good to not have the pressure to have sex (unless you decide to do the 'scheduled sex' route, in which case sex would be expected). Secondly, sometimes just being naked and close to each other can still give that bond that sex provides. As long as both of you are happy with that, that's all that matters.
> 
> 
> 
> And why isn't your husband ripping your clothes off now? I suspect some of it is him, but I also suspect that you weren't battling (or at least displaying) the issues you have now in your original post. I doubt many men were ripping off your clothes as you struggled through a bout of depression or anxiety.


I appreciate your input Kingsfan. We do lay in bed with little clothes on and press our bodies together for bonding, we're very affectionate. Maybe because of my emotional problems I feel too fragile to have sex? 

I always had depression and anxiety. In the past my boyfriends had high sex drives and were pretty assertive when it came to sex. My husband is different, because his sex drive is low it doesn't take much to stop the sex if he's "sort of" in the mood and I'm not.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I appreciate your input Kingsfan. We do lay in bed with little clothes on and press our bodies together for bonding, we're very affectionate. Maybe because of my emotional problems I feel too fragile to have sex?
> 
> I always had depression and anxiety. In the past my boyfriends had high sex drives and were pretty assertive when it came to sex. My husband is different, because his sex drive is low it doesn't take much to stop the sex if he's "sort of" in the mood and I'm not.


So you long for the days where a man would just rip your clothes off, really means you wish your husband was like your past boyfriends in that regard?

He's not, so why not step up your game? Rip off his clothes.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> So you long for the days where a man would just rip your clothes off, really means you wish your husband was like your past boyfriends in that regard?
> 
> He's not, so why not step up your game? Rip off his clothes.


I was doing this for a while. There was a time about a year ago when I was the only one initiating sex. He felt desired I felt OK. Then after a while I didn't initiate anymore because I started to feel bad about always being the aggressor. 

There are so many things in life that's more important than sex. I know that. I'm just looking for things that I would find fun and enjoyable. My husband is a good man and makes me laugh. I probably should keep my mouth shut and be happy for what I do have.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I was doing this for a while. There was a time about a year ago when I was the only one initiating sex. He felt desired I felt OK. Then after a while I didn't initiate anymore because I started to feel bad about always being the aggressor.
> 
> There are so many things in life that's more important than sex. I know that. I'm just looking for things that I would find fun and enjoyable. My husband is a good man and makes me laugh. *I probably should keep my mouth shut and be happy for what I do have*.


IMO, you shouldn't think that.

Yes, be glad for what you have, but if you fail to try and constantly make your marriage better, then it is doomed to fall into a rut of complatency, and that's hard to get out of.

DOn't be that couple that just has sex a few times a week/month/whatever out of the belief you should have it. DO it cause you actually want to. If you don't want to, fix that.

Do you actually want to have sex, or do you feel you should want to have sex?


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> IMO, you shouldn't think that.
> 
> Yes, be glad for what you have, but if you fail to try and constantly make your marriage better, then it is doomed to fall into a rut of complatency, and that's hard to get out of.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure. I think it's probably a combination of wanting to have something nice to do and feeling that not having sex too often is weird.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> My 2 cents as we've been there at times. How is the sex when it does happen? Do you both go into it thinking and expecting that both will have orgasms? Expectations are a problem for me, especially when "too fragile". Just like life, sex is not always going to be perfect.
> 
> I know this doesn't directly help you and I know it can be hard but by having more sex these issues aren't such a big deal. Some people think scheduling is a bad word, but we have a standing date Sunday afternoons. It makes it easier the rest of the week.


1. Vacuum
2. Costco 
3. Laundry
4. Sex


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