# Getting over sexual pasts...



## peteG (Feb 12, 2013)

So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.

Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e

I don't know how many guys she's been with, although I don't think it's more than 10, unless she really gave it up easy, which I really just don't want to know about.

So she is my #1, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever been with, the best in bed, the hottest, etc etc... I've been with lots of girls, but none like her. I still look down when we are having sex and think that I am so lucky...but how do you get over the other guys that have had her? How do you know that some other dude has cum inside her? How do you get over that she's had a one night stand or ****ed one of her "friends"? Are there guys that she ****ed that didn't value her? It's a horrible feeling thinking about these things...

I just wonder about these things sometimes...as I'm sure we all do.


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## IronhorseCowboy (Mar 6, 2013)

I would look at it like this - you obviously bring something into her life that no other man before you has and that's why she chose you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I wouldn't be any more concerned about her past sexual exploits any more than she should be concerned about yours! As long as she is presently "your one and only" and you hers, there shouldn't be any real problem!

Regarding the past, just live and let live!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you care? Is there something that, if you found out about it, would seriously matter and/or change your view of her drastically?

Have you guys ever talked about it at all?

It isn't always a good idea to go there.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You don't own her now and you did not own her then. She is an autonomous person that has and had control over her own life. 

Are you wanting to own her? Do you want her past to be erased? 

Leave it be or risk ruining what you have. You sound a bit needy, maybe work on that before you wreck your marriage. Women generally do not like it when men control them, their present or their past.


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> 
> Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e
> 
> ...


My wife gave me one set of facts when we started dating, and these changed over the years since. I wish she'd either kept everything to herself or else had just been honest to begin with. Either is acceptable, I just hate the lying and rewriting of the past she's done.


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## peteG (Feb 12, 2013)

Nope, I have never asked her anything about her past. She felt the need to come clean on a few things and I wish she never had because I didn't ever need to know them. 

I feel like she is lucky I haven't told her a few things about my own past.

I don't fault her for anything, I know everything led to being with me. It's just hard to think that someone may not have valued her the way I do...or that she just "gave up" what I think is so special.

I just wonder if the guys she's been with think back and wish they could have it again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

peteG said:


> I just wonder if the guys she's been with think back and wish they could have it again.


So what if they do


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Huh. I had no idea this was such a problem in the general male population. 

I guess like anything in life, if this bothers you, it bothers you, and there's nothing anyone here can say that will make it stop.

So suck it up and keep living in your own private hell of nailing a hottie, I suppose. Salve your bruised ego with nuclear powered sex, as hard as that might be to keep doing night after night after night....

Sorry, I'll pull my tongue out of my cheek now.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

peteG said:


> Nope, I have never asked her anything about her past. She felt the need to come clean on a few things and I wish she never had because I didn't ever need to know them.
> 
> I feel like she is lucky I haven't told her a few things about my own past.
> 
> ...


If she's as good and attractive as you say, you bet they are. Hell, I've never met her, and I wish I could have it.

So what? If you're afraid you don't measure up, take it as incentive to become Fred F**king Astaire in the bedroom. Make Johnny Depp in "Don Juan DeMarco" look like a farm team player. Make her eyes roll so far back in her head that she doesn't see straight for an hour when you're done. Be the best she's ever had, and at least if YOU'RE thinking about her exes, she won't be.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

peteG said:


> Nope, I have never asked her anything about her past. She felt the need to come clean on a few things and I wish she never had because I didn't ever need to know them.
> 
> *I feel like she is lucky I haven't told her a few things about my own past.*
> 
> ...


In your OP you admitted to being with a lot of women and the fact that I highlighted here. Maybe she's thinking the same things about you that you are about her. But one thing is that if you had plenty of women and you have done some pretty risque things in your past, then why obsess over what your wife did in her past? 

I would get it if she 1) lied about her past when you wanted to know about her past before marriage and 2) you had little or no experience while she had gobs and gobs of men. Based on what little we know, I would say that your past if probably a fair bit worse than hers. So get over it already. You two are "even" in the sexual past situation and possibly you are "ahead" of her.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The only guys you need to worry about are any that she's seeing NOW. Before you, was before YOU.


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## peteG (Feb 12, 2013)

This isn't something that I'm agonizing over. Trust me. Sometimes I do think about it though. 

I'm the best she's ever had and the only dude that could hold off enough to get her to cum almost every time.

I just hope there are guys that miss the sweetest ***** they will ever get...its different 'loving' a girl that everyone wants 'to fyck'.

I just know there's dudes that didn't deserve it that got it anyway. And that's what I hate


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> How do you know that some other dude has cum inside her


Why is this bothering you? Really?

What is your age?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Pete,

I hope I can provide some helpful perspective. I have dealt with my wife's past for the past 25+ years. I wish she had a past like your wife did ( a bunch of sexual escapades) but she only had one guy in her life and it was a very intimate and passionate affair. I have found out much to much over the years and she will never be quite over him in my mind.

To me the sex is meaningless but the intimacy is everything. I know they shared something quite powerful and at the end of the day that is really all they shared. How does one measure up to that when you are living the everyday mundane existence through the years.

I think you actually are in a great place. Count your blessings, enjoy you life and move on.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

The past will always be the past, nothing we can do to change it. My DW was the best that I ever experienced because of her past. If I met her a virgin, things will be very different. Though it still sometimes haunt me, that I'm not the best for her. But I think I could live with what I have, the love from the most amazing woman in my life, and I'm grateful because I have her by my side.
Sure, those trickle truth she gave me did hurt a lot in the past. But I do understand that she was afraid of losing me if she told me the whole truth. And that means I mean a lot to her. So I gave up trying to pry her about her past, because the more I knew, the crazier I became. So I stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why do you place yourself below your wife? 

That is the question for you to ponder.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your not over it. You need to let this go. 

This is something that was never discussed with my husband and I. We were both divorced when we met. I honestly do not want to ever talk about my past, nor will I when asked. I don't think or dwell on the past. I look forward to the future and live in the present.

Let this go. I would assume your very insecure since you brought this up. Your wife loves you and no other man. That's what is important.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Ah, the topic rears its ugly head yet again. And, as someone accurately stated, this is apparently a common issue with some men. Myself included. However, my issue was more one of misinformation. My wife initially stated she had been with x-number of partners (fairly low number, in committed relationships). I was OK with that. Years later, she suggested subtlety that maybe this was not the case. So, my biggest issue was with the possible deception. But how do I broach the subject again without sounding like an insecure, prying, jerk. Thus far, I haven't.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> 
> Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e
> 
> ...


This thread comes up often enough.

My position on this is that you marry someone who is compatible with you. This includes sexual history. Sooooooo. I would not marry a woman who I did not know her history.

Number of sexual partners is part of that but I would be most concerned with the type of relationships involved. Meaning show me that you can maintain a monogamous faithful relationship. Obviously if the woman had had sex with hundreds of guys they have not been in long term relationships.

Also for very practical purposes you want to know about cheating. Whether she has slept with her married bosses and things like that. If she does not know the names of the people she slept with that tells you much. If she lost count many years ago that speaks volumes. But I would want to know who those people were. Why? How do you know which friends and co-workers are her EX lovers?

This does not matter to many people. But if it matters to you ... it matters.

But this IS something you should have dealt with before marriage.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> Ah, the topic rears its ugly head yet again. And, as someone accurately stated, this is apparently a common issue with some men. Myself included. However, my issue was more one of misinformation. My wife initially stated she had been with x-number of partners (fairly low number, in committed relationships). I was OK with that. Years later, she suggested subtlety that maybe this was not the case. So, my biggest issue was with the possible deception. But how do I broach the subject again without sounding like an insecure, prying, jerk. Thus far, I haven't.


She isn't afraid of lying to you, but you are afraid to speak with her about a legitimate concern... That's kinda weird when you think about it like that.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> She isn't afraid of lying to you, but you are afraid to speak with her about a legitimate concern... That's kinda weird when you think about it like that.


We've been together for about 23 years, and this new info came up about 4 months ago. So, the question I've been asking myself is do I jeopardize a perfectly solid relationship for the sake of misinformation from long ago? So far, my answer has been no. I'm sure it will come up again, but I see no need to press the issue at this time.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> We've been together for about 23 years, and this new info came up about 4 months ago. So, the question I've been asking myself is do I jeopardize a perfectly solid relationship for the sake of misinformation from long ago? So far, my answer has been no. I'm sure it will come up again, but I see no need to press the issue at this time.


Why do people hide things from a prospective mate? Because they fear the reaction. Sometimes we guess right, and sometimes we guess wrong. Seems your wife, at the time, guessed right. Perhaps she thought that now, after 23 years, it didn't matter anymore.

Please see to it that she's right again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

peteG said:


> I just wonder about these things sometimes...as I'm sure we all do.


Nope. Never have. Ever.

Must confess this is one of those double standards I simply don't understand. By your admission, you've been with 'lots' of other girls ... yet you can't banish the ghosts of sexual partners past?

There are guys on the board for whom this is a huge problem. I accept that, but I do not understand how they can talk about how wonderful their lives are with the woman they adore, but ... that little detail erodes the other stuff.

In your case, I'll throw in my 2 cents and get all psychological on you.

Based on what you wrote, you sound more than a little surprised, or feel blessed that she is yours.

To the point where you wonder why exactly that is ... almost like you don't deserve her.

In a case like that ... it makes sense to me that one may validate, or feed this belief by focusing on how happy or satisfied she was with past partners. It's dangerous ground. 

She chose you. She loves you. She's with you. She is sleeping with you. This problem?

Is with you. 

Find a way to let it go completely. Change your thinking. She's lucky to have you ... continue being the guy she's lucky to have; the man she whom she loves and married.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Deejo said:


> She chose you. She loves you. She's with you. She is sleeping with you. This problem?
> 
> Is with you.
> 
> Find a way to let it go completely. Change your thinking. She's lucky to have you ... continue being the guy she's lucky to have; the man she whom she loves and married.


At the risk of sounding like a d!ck, no sh!t. Those of us who struggle with this issue realize it is OUR problem. Hence, in my case, why I do not push the issue. It's not fair for me to make it HER problem. But, unfortunately, there is no magic wand to be waved to make some of our petty insecurities go away. And, at least in my case, I do not think I am at therapy level just yet. Nor, do I think I will get there.

Sorry, hope I didn't come off too snarky.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> We've been together for about 23 years, and this new info came up about 4 months ago. *So, the question I've been asking myself is do I jeopardize a perfectly solid relationship for the sake of misinformation from long ago?* So far, my answer has been no. I'm sure it will come up again, but I see no need to press the issue at this time.


Some people just have to do this, jeopardize everything, for an obsession of some kind they just can't get rid of.

George Costanza is the perfect example, it can't be good enough or he finds a way to destroy it, just because that place is where he really feels comfortable with.

Maybe you could try to have a rational view on it, an emotional distance of the past.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Some people just have to do this, jeopardize everything, for an obsession of some kind they just can't get rid of.
> 
> George Costanza is the perfect example, it can't be good enough or he finds a way to destroy it, just because that place is where he really feels comfortable with.
> 
> Maybe you could try to have a rational view on it, an emotional distance of the past.


Again: I do. It has not been brought up since. But, I cannot speak for others.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> ...
> So she is my #1, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever been with, the best in bed, the hottest, etc etc... I've been with lots of girls, but none like her. I still look down when we are having sex and think that I am so lucky...


Well Pete, I am afraid you value the hotness and beauty a bit too much. Sure love is much more than these two items?

If you married a kind of sex-functional Barbie then you miss the person inside.

And that could one day be exactly the reason you will see this hottie walk and leave you.

Why don't you tell us about who she is, what values she shares with you, what you think important in a relation apart from the sex?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Get Perspective. Read some of the Infidelity Threads where the spouse was betrayed by the other spouse, that is pain.

You married her, she choose you, , she is great in bed, she is loyal to you. Count your lucky stars.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> We've been together for about 23 years, and this new info came up about 4 months ago. So, the question I've been asking myself is do I jeopardize a perfectly solid relationship for the sake of misinformation from long ago?


Depends...

You say she has "suggested subtlety that maybe this was not the case." Why do you think she did this? Maybe she wants to talk?

I understand that it may seem weird to destabilize a good marriage(how is the marriage btw) over something that happened 23 years ago. 

But on the other hand, using misinformation "to not upset your partner" or "to avoid conflict" is very detrimental to a relationship. Does she try to hide other stuff that she believes will upset you? Is this the norm in your marriage? If misinformation is a tactic she uses, then can you say what you have is intimacy, or in other words "openness"?

How is your marriage? Is it satisfying to you? Do you feel she married you because you were an awesome guy she was attracted to and wanted to be with forever, or was it because she felt she had enough fun and she decided to "settle for" a nice, caring but a bit bland and boring guy? It's important to know which one to have a good view on where you stand in the relationship and how to improve it if needed.

Would you have married her if you had known the truth beforehand? Now if the answer is "yes", then don't worry about it particularly and start thinking about the "misinformation" part. If your answer is "no", it can go two ways. You can divorce because she didn't apply to your criteria that were based on your knowledge of life 23 years ago. Or you can say that maybe some of this criteria didn't really apply and she has been a good wife to you.

I'm of the mindset that having a premarital "too rich" sex life as a deselection criteria will deselect many good women who are perfectly viable candidates for a very fulfilling and lifelong marriage. On the other hand the divorce rate in women with more than 30 sexual partners is over %80 and while it surely has some justifying reasons it is very alarming. (There was a thread here citing the study.) So I'll still use "not having too many partners" as a criteria.

Now the misinformation part. You want to have your wife in a mindset that it's okay to discuss anything openly with you rather than going into a passive-aggressive defensive assault or hiding and deception. Both are bad. She should be letting you have your own feelings and thoughts and she should have the confidence that you would be willing to give your best in solving any marital crisises if she acts open and truthful to you. But, this comfort shouldn't be so much that she thinks even if she treats you like sh!t, you'll just sit there and take it and never leave her. That would be counter-productive to your goal.

If you are sure that deception is not a common occurence however, setting up a place and time for this talk(some alcohol to lose inhibitions maybe?) -remember it's an honest heart-to-heart talk, not a trap to say "AHA, gotcha"- will make it easier for her to open up to you.

But don't forget, what's been learnt cannot be unlearnt.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

peteG said:


> I just wonder about these things sometimes...as I'm sure we all do.


Do you REALLY want to know? Just be glad you're getting it now.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Obviously if the woman had had sex with hundreds of guys.


I honestly don't know any women that had hundreds of past partners. I suppose it could likely be someone who is an escort or along those lines. Yuck. It can't be that common. I don't live in a very populated area where these types of women are available either.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I honestly don't know any women that had hundreds of past partners. I suppose it could likely be someone who is an escort or along those lines. Yuck. It can't be that common. I don't live in a very populated area where these types of women are available either.


I use this example to set context. Been in a lot of these threads before. It cuts to the chase. People argue about what a lot of partners is. Some folks say that the number does not matter. And I say that at some point the nunber does matter. I am not saying what it is. But I AM suggesting people look for compatible partners. Age factors into this as well. Having 20 partners by age 20 is one thing. Having 20 by age 30 is another.

Some folks have the attitude it's just sex and others do not. It is about compatibility. 

Marriage is a sexual relationship. Yes there is more to it but in essence a heterosexual man is going to marry a woman. So sex matters.

But what also matters is being truthful. Being transaparent. If someone hid things from you then there is a big problem. No matter what it is.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Getting over sexual pasts...*



Thunder7 said:


> .
> 
> Sorry, hope I didn't come off too snarky.


No no no I actually LOL'ed at your answer. Snark works just fine for me.

As Entropy stated, this comes up pretty frequently. Lots of guys, unlike your case doing themselves and their relationship unnecessary harm in my opinion.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Shadow, I would say that all in all we have a pretty rock solid marriage, aside from the occasional money issue or sexual dry spell. But, we are clearly each others best friend and still, after all these years, thoroughly enjoy each others company. This is why, even though I have some issues with this particular topic, I am not doing anything to push towards what could be a disastrous outcome. I realize, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter now. It can't be changed. But, I would have liked a little more frankness and honesty. And, no, there are no trust issues in any aspect of our marriage, on either side. So, I will choose to just stew in my own juices when this topic comes to mind (and it passes; it's not constant), until a non threatening opportunity presents itself for an open conversation about it. Hope that clarifies.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

> I don't know how many guys she's been with, although I don't think it's more than 10, unless she really gave it up easy, which I really just don't want to know about.





> It's just hard to think that someone may not have valued her the way I do...or that she just "gave up" what I think is so special.





> I've been with lots of girls


:scratchhead:


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## onetimer6804 (Oct 19, 2012)

keep this in mind. the number of guys she's had just proves that she's desirable to others.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Those having issues with relations a mate had or may have had prior to the current relationship sounds to me like trying to find fault after the fact and wanting to assign retroactive guilt. 

Are you concerned about being compared to former lovers? Are you afraid there may still exist some shreds of feeling for past flames? Do you blame your mate for actions taken before you were in a relationship? Are you worried you don't measure up, or even surpass, previous intimate partners ?


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Maneo said:


> Are you concerned about being compared to former lovers? Are you afraid there may still exist some shreds of feeling for past flames? Do you blame your mate for actions taken before you were in a relationship? Are you worried you don't measure up, or even surpass, previous intimate partners ?


Yes I do concern being compared to former lover, because my DW told me how one ex was better at playing with her nipples, how other ex was bigger that she liked to go down for him, and always made her climax everytime they did it. We met her last ex once in a club and she told me to ask if he was really him, because it was dark and she wasn't 100% sure he was him. I don't blame her for her past, because she wasn't with me yet. And yes, I really worried because I know I don't measured up with her last ex.
But I still love her very much and really don't want all this to jeopardize our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

My partner feels like you OP & I don't like when he asks "have you done this with anyone else" etc Q's....It's irrelevant to me cos he's the best so far & I'm with him not thinking of anyone before him at all. I am the one counting my lucky stars I have such a great man that means the world to me.

He always said in the beginning he never thought he'd ever have someone like me well you know I'm just 'me' & she's just 'her' & doesn't think she's all that trust me. Get over it!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Why on earth do women tell their husbands these things? That's horrible. 
If a woman is telling a man he's not as good as her past lovers, she's a cruel idiot. 
OP you are putting your wife on a pedestal and acting like you don't deserve her. I also agree that you are treating her sexuality like its some kind of prize to be won. Who are you to say who deserved and who didn't? Maybe she was horny and she wanted it that night. She has a brain and isn't a walking vagina to be conquered. 
Sorry if that sounds harsh but your view of her doesn't seem healthy. Women don't like it when men treat them like that. 
It seems very insecure and beta to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

In a healthy marriage where you're happy together and everything is going well, it almost seems like "the past" becomes an issue solely to find something to be upset about, like self-sabotage. 

Are you afraid to be "all-in" or are you afraid she's going to dump you at some point, so you need an issue to maintain some distance?


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

My problems started after my DW gave birth to our first child. When the baby arrived, there's alot of new expenses to covered. I worked 12 to 14 hours a day, 7 days a week for 5 months, to cover those expenses, and I was only at home sleeping. She felt ignored and bored, and she began to think about her last ex and compare me to him when she felt lonely.
That's what she admited to me when I said I was going to leave her because I couldn't trust her anymore. She said still think about him once in a while because they didn't had a closure. When she tried to break up with him, after she knew from his friends that he cheated on her, he did came to her 4 days after that and begged her and she accepted him. They were together again for a month, after that he never call or text her, and never came to see her for a week, until he finally text her it was over.
She knew that he cheated on her several times but didn't take any action because she didn't had any evidence. When she knew for sure he cheated, she cheated him back with one of his friend, so she knew he would knew about it eventually. So she knew why he broke up with her finally. Her sorrow was why he had to cheat on her, and she knew he cheated on her several times before. And she felt it was acceptable that she cheated on him in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thunder7 said:


> At the risk of sounding like a d!ck, no sh!t. Those of us who struggle with this issue realize it is OUR problem. Hence, in my case, why I do not push the issue. It's not fair for me to make it HER problem. *But, unfortunately, there is no magic wand to be waved* to make some of our petty insecurities go away. And, at least in my case, I do not think I am at therapy level just yet. Nor, do I think I will get there.
> 
> Sorry, hope I didn't come off too snarky.


No, but there is therapy. Get some as soon as you can. If you had some, it didn't work, getter a better therapist.


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

I am my wife's 3rd husband. She started having sex regularly at age 14 and was promiscuous during her teens and again in her mid 20's after her 1st divorce. She is not certain of her exact "number," but it is probably more than most women her age. Before we got seriously involved, she was very forthcoming about her sexual history and I was intrigued rather than troubled by it. The way I look at it is that all of her experiences have helped shape her into the woman she is today. And, sexually, she got quite an education that I am now the benificiary of.

So, embrace and enjoy her past. It's kinda like the Apollo astronauts who walked on the moon .....if you aren't Neil Armstrong, what does it REALLY matter whether you are Buzz Aldrin or Harrison Schmitt???


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> 
> Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e
> 
> ...


How did she get over the "lots of girls" you've been with?
i'm sure you see your hypocrisy here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

onetimer6804 said:


> keep this in mind. the number of guys she's had just proves that she's desirable to others.


Any average looking woman can have sex with an absurd number of men just by being available to them.

So it is not a compliment. Indeed, if we can believe pre-selection it may be for a man to a given woman. I have not seen the effect the other way around. Meaning like it or not a guy may have sex with a woman because she is available. But he may classify her as not someone he would marry. I suppose women do the same thing. Double standard. Sure. Label away. But it is what it is.

I am very busy this weekend but I will fix this Monday. Oh wait. I do not control this. I am just observing and I am not afraid to mention it.

That said, I am absolutely fine with the notion that women would be choosy here as well. But whether they are or are not that does not mean that a man cannot be choosy if he wants to be. He should not be shamed into doing what other people want him to do. If he is his own matter the only thing tha matters is what he wants.

In general this kind of thing should be dealt with before marriage. I see it only a problem after marriage if the spouse was untruthful either by outright lying or lying by omission. The degree of the untruth would matter a great deal to me anyway. I see no excues in I did not tell you because you could not handle it. That is very disresepctful. I also understand that truthfullness / honesty are exceedingly mportant to me where as other people ... no so much. I do not see lying as a little thing. I see it as unfaithful. But that is just me.

But if someone knew going into a relationship the truth then I think it was on them to deal with that and not bait and switch by changing their mind.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Why do people hide things from a prospective mate? *Because they fear the reaction.* Sometimes we guess right, and sometimes we guess wrong. Seems your wife, at the time, guessed right. Perhaps she thought that now, after 23 years, it didn't matter anymore.
> 
> Please see to it that she's right again.


They own their own fear. No excuse.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

peteG said:


> I'm the best she's ever had and the only dude that could hold off enough to get her to cum almost every time.


Well, let's say you were actually the third best - pretty respectable in what may have been a stout lineup - but not the best. Do you think she would tell you? If it were the case, would you hurt your wife's feelings like that by telling her you had had a previous partner who was better in bed? 

I mean, by definition, most of our sexual partners were average, right? Yet almost none of us would describe our current partner as such unless it was in the context of a rather nasty fight.

This reminds me of guys who defend their penis size by saying they have "never gotten any complaints." As if the fact that 99.9% of women on the planet don't want to deal with the fallout of telling a dude he has a small **** has nothing to do with it...



peteG said:


> I just hope there are guys that miss the sweetest ***** they will ever get...its different 'loving' a girl that everyone wants 'to fyck'.
> 
> I just know there's dudes that didn't deserve it that got it anyway. And that's what I hate


Actually a lot of those guys probably hit it and then rejected her as relationship material anyway. It has nothing to do with them not deserving it, they just didn't think it was as special as you did.

I am reasonably sure my wife would have married a couple of her previous exes if they had pursued it. Does the fact that those dudes rejected her as marriage material devalue her in my eyes? Not at all. I have left amazing women because I just wasn't ready to settle down or any number of reasons. Do I look down on those women or the men they are married to now as somehow worth less due to my rejection? No, I can't even fathom the sense of entitlement that would entail.

Disassociating the value you place on your relationship from what has or hasn't gone on in your wife's vagina should probably be a priority for you.


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I'm of the mindset that having a premarital "too rich" sex life as a deselection criteria will deselect many good women who are perfectly viable candidates for a very fulfilling and lifelong marriage. On the other hand the divorce rate in women with more than 30 sexual partners is over %80 and while it surely has some justifying reasons it is very alarming. (There was a thread here citing the study.) So I'll still use "not having too many partners" as a criteria.


For me the number is only meaningful in a qualitative sense. While dating in my 30's - and dating women typically around my own age - I was looking for women who were capable of monogamous LTR's which could lead to marriage. So, if the number was ridiculously high I interpreted that as meaning she was acting out some pathological behaviors - which I want no part of - or she had no real capacity for monogamous, stable relationships. 

Either way, I never settled on an exact dealbreaker figure, but I suspect 30 would have given me pause. I think the highest any of my partners ever admitted to was 18 and in the mid-30's age range that appealed to me as pretty reasonable. On the flipside, too low of a count would have also been problematic for me unless she had been in a long failed marriage or something similar; I couldn't handle being with someone with a low drive.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

peteG said:


> I just know there's dudes that didn't deserve it that got it anyway. And that's what I hate


:scratchhead:

I don't understand this, and no - not everyone worries about it. 

Some of us even fantasize about our wife doing it with other men. Not that we would act on it. Just recreational fantasy.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

I think I could deal with my own insecurities, but the lies were really hurtful. And they added alot more pressure on my insecurities. instead of thinking that she did nothing wrong with me, it was all in the past. I began to think why she lied? Did she didn't trust me? What was she hiding for? Does she still had feeling for them?
Once you lied to cover up something, you'll lie a lot more to cover the previous lie. At the end it all spiralled downwards until I question everything she said.
Her past had nothing to do with me, they may upset me, but I won't leave her because of her past. But her lies to me now will hurt my trust and that is what make me want to leave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> *Some folks have the attitude it's just sex and others do not*. It is about compatibility.


Mark Fords View, beings he mentioned the Bible...is obviously the *Covenantal View* listed as #1 below .... though he's taken it way too far in some of his comments, coming off very judgemental of others...

I agree with Entropy on the "*compatibility*" aspect here... this is so very important in the sexual also.... what Sex means to us personally/ emotionally....for some of us..it means FOREVER... this is how I have always felt.

My limit goes to Romantic, I would NOT be or very much frown on a man who engages in Casual sex, to me , that = someone who can love them & leave them... Knowing myself, I could NOT do that....It would HURT me...I also do not feel this is a flaw in me...but it would be foolish to be with someone who felt it WAS, or would put me down for it. 

However , I would not judge others on what WORKS for them (these casual sex views)...after all... I enjoy PORN - I'd be quite the hypocrite if I judged these men & women. 

The OP, I understand , had his share of previous partners as well....were they all long term Romantic Relationships I ask?? If not, then I would say him & his wife have more in common in their view on sexuality than he is realizing... so he needs to let it go, as she is likely his perfect match anyway.




Copying & pasting from a Thread of mine....on the 6 sexual Lenses >>



> So often in life & open forums...we come up against Sexual viewpoints we do not share ...Yes, we are married now... but this subject still comes up... we may struggle to be understood, our views may offend others/ there's offend us....this is an attempt to explain these differences....
> 
> It is GOOD to Understand where another is coming from...their foundation if you will.....not to belittle them or put them down - but show "tolerance" (so long as their "sexing" is not hurting others)....it also helps to seek out another who views these things through a similar Lens ....less misunderstandings/hurt in the greatest gift of Pleasure any of us have ever experienced.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> 
> Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e
> 
> ...



so what about her do you value besides sex and beauty? it just seems like you talk about her like that's all she offers. not how she's kind, smart, etc, just that she's hot. does she exist to you as a fellow human being? just curious, since putting someone on a pedestal is not good for a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

My wife has a sordid past. I mean, it wasn't triple digits or near anything like that. Nowhere close to it. It's just the manner in which it was done that bothered me... for about two seconds... when she first told me. I wasn't perfect, either. Do I ever think about it? About what used to be for her? Yeah, I do. I don't simmer in it. I think of my wife and I as being to the only two people on Earth who "know" each other. I've even told her I'd like to think of us has having been virgins when we met. Her past is just that, the past. What matters is what's ahead, a monogamous marriage between two people who love one another. Think of the positives before you become so enthralled in the negative that you become abusive (be it physical or mental, both are not right).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peteG said:


> So I got together with my wife about 5 years ago. She is an absolutely knockout, and to this day, I am still so proud to be with her. She's an amazing person and is absolutely beautiful.
> 
> Of course, she's been with other guys. I got over being jealous a really long time ago...but still I wonder, and still it haunts me a little bit. I used to think about it a lot, but now I only wonder a litt.e
> 
> ...


This is late of course but the time for know this stuff was before you got married. I would have wanted to know if she had had sex with any of her friends, co-workers or bosses for example. 

Anyway, sorry for NOT addressing your main issue. Good luck.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Post removed by moderator, user banned for failure to follow forum guidelines or heed prior warning.


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## broder62 (Aug 17, 2012)

Horsa said:


> I think I could deal with my own insecurities, but the lies were really hurtful. And they added alot more pressure on my insecurities. instead of thinking that she did nothing wrong with me, it was all in the past. I began to think why she lied? Did she didn't trust me? What was she hiding for? Does she still had feeling for them?
> Once you lied to cover up something, you'll lie a lot more to cover the previous lie. At the end it all spiralled downwards until I question everything she said.
> Her past had nothing to do with me, they may upset me, but I won't leave her because of her past. But her lies to me now will hurt my trust and that is what make me want to leave her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Early in my relationship, she covered up her sexual past with lies. Since lies are a very big issue (honesty is a "pillar" relationship value) we addressed it as a lying issue and ultimately I told her and she bought into it that lying is not an option about anything if our relationship will make it. And, we had a "cleansing" conversation one day that she took a week to prepare to tell me "everything" and I "everything" - past lies (I had none) and it was very healthy. Now, there have been lies that have come up since then because she never realized up until me how honesty is complete transparent even if it hurts honesty - no white lies. So, I would call her out, or she'd confess...Bottom line is we chose together to nurture a relationship built on honesty....really working the relationship. Maybe you can try that. It's working for us and she's growing. It sucks, hurts and betrayal - ugh, the worst pain, but give it your best shot before drastic actions.


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