# Fireproof-less



## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Since "Fireproof" seems to be a hot topic here, I thought I'd share my experience. We have been going thru a really tough time lately(I have other posts on here about that). I heard about the movie and thought it may be beneficial to us. I really enjoyed it and learned a lot from it. My H on the other hand, thought it was stupid. His reply was "the woman was sniffing on another man and they put all the blame on him. Everything that was wrong was his fault." He TOTALLY missed this one. I have been telling him for years and a lot in the last few months that I need the little things to be happy. He tells me I am nuts and that if I need some of those things that I should just do it myself. He is not romantic. I have figured out that I have fallen out of love with him and the little things are likely the only way to win my love back. We have had such nasty fights. We have 2 kids, keeping me here. Yet I know that I can't keep my kids happy unless I'm happy. I am taking Lexapro, which makes me feel like I don't care about anything the way I did. I still love my kids, however, day to day things just don't seem to set me off as they did previously. He hates that I take them, yet he is the one who suggested it. I think he is afraid he will lose control of me. I don't have great feelings for him anymore, I feel like we are housemates, who have sex. For him, its all about sex and as long as he's getting that, he's happy. To hell with my needs. I believe everything has been laid out on the table for me to see. I just have to look at it and either accept it as it is or someday gather the strength to leave and move on. Any advice or stories to share would be greatly appreciated.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Unfortunately until your husband develops a sense of empathy, he will not improve. The problems are yours in his mind. This is expressed in his reaction to the movie. That the husband had no roll in the wife’s affair. Yes her affair was wrong but he had a hand in making her vulnerable in it. Empathy can be learned but he must be willing to listen to you and try and understand how you feel. With out work from you both, you will continue to be unhappy and unfulfilled in you marriage and life.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have not read your other posts, so I dont know exactly what you are going through, but did you buy the book "The Love Dare"?

I walked out of that movie realizing I needed to get that book. But did I? No. After the 'high' wore off i started to think 'why should i get it? he's the one that screwed up!' but really, that movie is about gaining love from a higher power, so one can give it freely, even when one doesnt think they've done anything wrong. that guy in the movie thought it was all his wifes fault. and she thought it was all his fault. so they just fought. but the beauty of the movie is its not about 'who should' its about 'who will'.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I have not purchased the book. I'm kinda like you, thinking he needs it, not me. I'm the one who needs the little things. I still do little things for him, not as many and with less love behind them. I have expressed to him how important this is to me but he just doesn't give a hoot. I cannot change other people, so thats why I have decided I can either live with it or maybe someday be strong enough to leave.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Unfortunately so many people come out of that movie thinking the movie was all about blaming the man. The movie just surrounded HIM doing the "Love Dare" and showing that at that time the wife wasn't even trying. If anything when you look deeper than the surface, the "blame" (if any) in the movie was on her for being the one that wasn't trying at the time.

Unforunately so many people only see the surface, see the things the husband was doing wrong and he was the one that started the "Love Dare" at the advice of his father. 

Remember the father's story, he was the one that was "at fault" in his marriage but it was his wife that did the "Love Dare", not him, and used it to "win him back" to treating her right.

The "Love Dare" book is great for even the spouse in the marriage that is "right" (if there really is such a thing), its hard to explain if you haven't gone through the 40 days of dares. But the biggest thing the book tries to explain is just a couple things...

1. Your spouse is not perfect and never will be. You can't change how they act. 

2. You can only change how you act and react. You can stop being angry, resentful, etc for what your spouse has done to you in the past. 

You have to realize that no one is perfect and your spouse definitely isn't. But yet we have to learn to love our spouse regardless of their faults.

Honestly, especially in tough marriages that fight a lot, the first 5-10 days are tough, no matter which spouse you are, the "right" one or the "wrong" one. The idea of not being aloud to say ANYTHING negative to your spouse for about a weeks time can be TOUGH. However, in the end it is SO amazing the difference it can make.


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## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

All interesting posts and very timely with my situation. My situation is very similiar to racemom's (2 kids, etc.) however I am on the flip side. Fireproof had a good message but it will *not save your marriage*. The movie was negative in relation to the man but sadly enough it is usually the man who neglects the relationship. I see men (some my friends) who could care less about the needs of their wife as long as they are having sex with them. Sure all men do things for women to get sex points but some are pretty stupid and obvious about it. Back to Fireproof, I wanted my wife to see it so she could see some things she is doing to our marriage and maybe rethink her current mindset. We both came away feeling good and all that, bought the Love Dare book, and now a week later there's no difference. The Love Dare book is on her nightstand on the bottom of a stack of books that she never reads. Guess I got the message?

Anyhow, racemom you mentioned Lexapro. My wife has been taking it for almost 2 years now and it has changed her significantly. Besides the reduced libido which has been noted, she lacks any sort of emotion. She only cares about herself and what makes her happy. She originally said she needed it to stay calm around the kids. 

One good thing I learned from Fireproof is that there has to be a leader in the marriage if you plan on staying together. I know the bible says it should be the man and all that but there's a lot of selfish, unprepared guys out there that have no idea how to do that. So, in my opinion, it can be a woman as well if she knows what she is doing. In your case racemom, sets some guidelines, rules, goals, all that. You can't make a marriage work unless each person knows where each other stands.  That's my problem. I have no idea where I stand with my wife since she won't talk and I am tired of talking. Strange role reversal huh?


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

I fully understand the need for the little things. If neglected, over the years it can truly become the last straw. I know I have made an effort to try to do little things to see if my H notices. If he has noticed, he has not reciprocated which then further damages the relationship.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Ok, I saw the movie too and I thought it was very one-sided. My wife agreed. I get the point. It was a good message. And I can certainly see why all women liked it. But I can also see why men would not like it. It did put all the blame on the man and left him to do all the work. She did nothing.

Make the movie again reversing the roles and see who finds it popular.

Sorry but it's the truth.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Saw the movie last night. I took away from the movie that I am going to try to get back in touch with more of my spiritual side. I gave up on religion years ago during a rough patch in my life.

I don't see the movie as blaming the man. I see that they both had issues. I simply see it as who was willing to step up to the plate to make a difference. 

My H and I are so like them it is scary. I realize I could do the 40 day dare but right now I simply don't want to. I am not sure how I would react if he did. I hope that I would fall in love with him again.

I guess for me this has been getting worse for years now and I realize I contribute to the problem. The man in the movie kept screaming about respect. I know my husband feels the same way and he is right I do not respect him as a husband but frankly he has done nothing significant to earn my respect.

Today he did pour me a cup of coffee. Perhaps he did take away something from the movie... I did not in turn tell him I already had coffee. I thanked him and took it to the office.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

13years said:


> I fully understand the need for the little things. If neglected, over the years it can truly become the last straw. I know I have made an effort to try to do little things to see if my H notices. If he has noticed, he has not reciprocated which then further damages the relationship.


My H & I do not agree on what little things are. He takes everything for granted so much that, according to him, the "little things" are "my job." What a pig! I have done so many little things for so long that he just expects them. And then he tells me that he can't do it back, because he doesn't know how or what to do. I have given him countless ideas, but have yet to see any results. I think he's hopeless!


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

13years said:


> I guess for me this has been getting worse for years now and I realize I contribute to the problem. The man in the movie kept screaming about respect. I know my husband feels the same way and he is right I do not respect him as a husband but frankly he has done nothing significant to earn my respect.


I do not feel respect for my H either. When we had our big fight, he asked me if I still loved him. I said, "honestly, right now, no I don't." I would think this would open his eyes enought for him to say, gee, we need some help here, or something, but no, nothing. As long as he's getting sex, he's happy and to hell with my needs. I still hope that he will figure out the little things and win back my heart, so that I can learn to love him again. If not, then I need to move on. Just not sure how to tell when its OVER.


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