# Husband is unreachable



## halfcentury (Sep 28, 2012)

I have been married over 30 years. We fairly recently moved to a new location and since the move my husband has quit trying.

I can't get him interested in anything we used to do. We were very active outdoors hunting, fishing, camping, 4wheeling, boating as well as socializing with a few close friends.

Now he is in a job where he has more free time than ever and all he wants to do is sit on the couch and play on his computer.

He refuses to particapate in any social activity that might introduce us to new people. I can't get him interested in exploring our new environment and finding areas that we can do outdoor activities. (There are fewer public lands/ forest close to where we now live) He only wants to do things back home and then says it is to expensive to travel there so we just don't do anything. 

He is holding on desparately to our old friends and spends much time on the phone while I can't get him to hardly hold a conversation with me.

I have taken up several hobbies and joined a few groups but I would like to have some time with him besides sitting in the same room while he consentrates on his computer or phone.

Our sex life is non existent. (Yes I have put in a lot of effort to re-engage but eventually I just get tired of giving and never recieving) He is extremely distant. 

I have noticed mood and temperment changes in him as he has gotten older as well. He gets very defensive if I ever try to talk about anything. He has become very aggressive towards people and issues at work (hopefully it is all talk when he is home and not action at work) and his driving is becoming extremely aggressive as well. (Severe tailgating on the open road or in traffic. Cussing out every other driver on the road as no one apparently knows how to drive. He has had outragious yelling/cussing outburst in the Walmart parking lot witnessed by several of his grown children.) It scares me but I can't mention it without him getting defensive.

He doesn't keep himself clean like he should. (BO is a serious problem and he doesn't care for his teeth and mouth at all and he is a chewer) Again, don't dare mention it. 

He finds himself charming and funny and flirts with every female he comes across. But he doesn't even try with me. 

He will complement other girls/women but never even give me a second thought.? 

(Okay, I sound terrible here but really I just want him to be here.)
I sometimes wonder if he (we) needs therapy but I know that that would be out of the question. He doesn't think anything is wrong.

I realize I am not the sexy girl he married 30+ years ago. Age and elements aren't extremely kind to anyone. I have put on some weight but would love to work with him "doing anything!" to get back in shape. I don't put on makeup and do my hair daily as I did when I was a young but most days I am out working on our property with a hat on anyway. (This is nothing new as I have always worked outdoors in occupations that are not dirt or sweat free.) I am a tall, strong woman not a delicate feminine type and he used to love that about me. NO I am not a quarter back in a wig. I was a beatuiful natural blonde and am still not half bad. 

I am at a loss as to how to get him back into life. Could it be a medical (or mental) thing and how does a person convince the other that help is required?

He seems fairly physically healthy for a middle aged man but the mind is beyond my understanding.

He won't even say I love you unless pushed with the excuse "He doesn't want to spoil me". We have definitely had our ups and down over the years but now it seems to be all downs and no ups. 

I just want something


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

He sounds like he has major depression. 
Major depressive disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Read the subtypes and see if any of them sound right.

I would guess that an extremely high percentage of the population has depression, but it's masked by things like cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana. Things like chain smoking or drinking a little too often are signs that something might be wrong.


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## halfcentury (Sep 28, 2012)

I've sometimes wondered if he was depressed but he seems happy with what he does/or doesn't do. He perks up and can be very vivacious with others but with me he just shuts down and ignores. He acts like I am just there for his convenience to keep things going so he doesn't have to put any input into it.
How can a person be convinced that they need to see a therapist? I know that he will not be open to the thought and get defensive like normal.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It sounds to me like he is depressed because of the move to the new location. You mention he is clinging to his old friends and that it is too expensive to go back for activities. Perhaps in some way his world has been pulled out from under him and he is becoming bitter.


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## halfcentury (Sep 28, 2012)

Unfortunately the move was his idea and he claims to love it here. He even talks about retiring here. To me that is depressing as there is nothing in this area like we are used to. We came from a wild place. Public lands everywhere, mountains, forests, rivers lakes and creeks. Recreational activities in every direction within a 15-30 minute drive as well as family much closer. Here public lands and outdoor activity opportunity is hours away and very limited. Maybe it is his excuse for not doing anything so he likes the area because there is nothing here he is used to doing.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

halfcentury said:


> Unfortunately the move was his idea and he claims to love it here. He even talks about retiring here. To me that is depressing as there is nothing in this area like we are used to. We came from a wild place. Public lands everywhere, mountains, forests, rivers lakes and creeks. Recreational activities in every direction within a 15-30 minute drive as well as family much closer. Here public lands and outdoor activity opportunity is hours away and very limited. Maybe it is his excuse for not doing anything so he likes the area because there is nothing here he is used to doing.


Perhaps he is sorry he made the move and too proud/stubborn/affraid to undo his mistake. Whatever the source he is depressed and has resentment over something building up that needs to be addressed. How does he react if you ask him to move back?


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## halfcentury (Sep 28, 2012)

Moving back has been brought up and he always says no as there is no work back home. How can I get him to realize there is a problem so we can address it and work toward a solution. He would claim there is no problem and everything is fine.


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