# Am I being Evil / husbands friends



## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Deleted


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He is selfish. He put you second. Did you tell him under no circumstances is it ok that he breaks your date? You said he had other ideas. Did he outright refuse to tell the guys sorry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> He is selfish. He put you second. Did you tell him under no circumstances is it ok that he breaks your date? You said he had other ideas. Did he outright refuse to tell the guys sorry?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well thats other thing that annoyed me - he felt it was no problem to cancel me but I pointed out that he wouldnt have cancelled plans he made with them for me but then I wouldnt ask him to.
He didnt mention anything about telling the guys he wouldnt be going anymore. He stuck to his guns too and won


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think the nature of your plans is relevant. 

If it was to go to Home Depot and pick out patio furniture, or something like that.... then he probably sincerely thought it could be put off with no big deal. 

If it was a "date"... out to dinner, or a show or something .... (and I'd think a movie falls under the Home Depot category)... then he should be embarassed and apologize.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How did he win? Did he say he is going and it is tough if you don't like it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I think the nature of your plans is relevant.
> 
> If it was to go to Home Depot and pick out patio furniture, or something like that.... then he probably sincerely thought it could be put off with no big deal.
> 
> If it was a "date"... out to dinner, or a show or something .... (and I'd think a movie falls under the Home Depot category)... then he should be embarassed and apologize.


Well no it wasnt a special date as such it was to go running but he dumped me to play soccer with his friends. The main reason we started running was so we had some sort of hobby to share. I look forward to doing it together

but I still feel as if I've been cast aside.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> How did he win? Did he say he is going and it is tough if you don't like it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No thats not his style (which is why I end up feeling guilty) he just said sorry to me and that he shouldnt have told me today for our plans.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And then you told him ok, go? If so, this is your lack of boundaries, not his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> And then you told him ok, go? If so, this is your lack of boundaries, not his.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, Im worried im being evil and controlling that I let him do what he wants,


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Do you spend time with your husband doing things?
how much time do you get to spend with your husband?

I think you should have went running by yourself.and then when he asked or you could of just brought it up. you could have a little story of how you and this hot guy you met while running started a little race and you had a great time.He was so funny and quit impressed with how well you kept up.


you might even meet up on a regular basis so you can run together. Oh don't worry honey hes married with 3 kids and his wife just can't be bothered to run with him anymore shes to busy spending time with her girl friends.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

KI0159 said:


> No thats not his style (which is why I end up feeling guilty) he just said sorry to me and that he shouldnt have told me today for our plans.


You mean he basically said that he should have been absolutely sure he wasn't going to get a better offer before he made plans with you...???

What would you do if this wasn't your husband? If one of your girlfriends canceled on you all the time? Would you feel like you were evil and controlling if you stood up for yourself with them, or would you just let it slide then too?


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Do you spend time with your husband doing things?
> how much time do you get to spend with your husband?


I spend time with him when he can slot me into his friends/sports schedule.
I have to book hime in advance if I want to do anything before his freinds get him. Saying that he was booked tonight and look what happend

We both work full time during the day. I've tried to get us doing things on a Sunday, which does seem to be working. One day woop woop!


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> You mean he basically said that he should have been absolutely sure he wasn't going to get a better offer before he made plans with you...???
> 
> What would you do if this wasn't your husband? If one of your girlfriends canceled on you all the time? Would you feel like you were evil and controlling if you stood up for yourself with them, or would you just let it slide then too?


I have no backbone


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Get one or get used to this happening for the rest of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If he were your bf what would you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Get one or get used to this happening for the rest of your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree:

I don't care what your plans were or if they were 'special' plans. It's the principle of the thing. He dumped you for his friends. He has no problem doing that to you but refused to tell his friends he couldn't go after all. That shows what his priorities are, and it's not you. 

If this had been a one time incident I would have said let it slide. But I gather from your post that it is an ongoing problem. It's time to tell your husband to decide who he wants to spend his time with, you or them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> I spend time with him when he can slot me into his friends/sports schedule.
> I have to book hime in advance if I want to do anything before his freinds get him. Saying that he was booked tonight and look what happend
> 
> We both work full time during the day. I've tried to get us doing things on a Sunday, which does seem to be working. One day woop woop!


Your husband is messing up. He is being a jerk whether he realizes it or not. But you need to call him on it.

Your time comes off the top. Yes, you should work with him so he can have his sports time. But that time should not be at the expense of the time you guys would have together. You should be his priority. Balance is hard to find sometimes. That is when priorities are required.

Next time he asks if it is ok, tell him if it is not. My wife gets very busy as well. When there started to be some conflicts I had her open her schedule and we went through it. I had her block out time for us. I even questioned some of the things she had scheduled where they were likely to take significant time from us. And we worked it out. She dropped some of it and cut back on other stuff where it made sense. This has been working. 

In her defense I have been so much of a workaholic in my life that she could not just sit home and wait on me to get a clue. I am fixing that. Now I was very matter of fact with my approach and expected her to work with me. I was assertive that we needed to not make excuse but grab the time we needed. make us the priority. In the past we always accomodated our children, our work or whatever. We took what was left. VERY BAD idea.


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## cmo (Jul 21, 2011)

My husband does the same thing to me. I do tell him no alot and then he gets an attitude and starts calling me names and treating me bad. He enjoys going out and drinking with is friends and leaving me home alone with our kids - which I take care of by myself 24/7 because at this current time he sleeps all day and plays video games all night. I have tried to talk to him and he only tells me ' shut up' or 'i don't want to have any type of conversation with you.' so I do know how you feel. I have even asked him to watch our kids while i go do something my time limit is about ten minutes before he starts calling and texting me because he can't handle our kids.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I think 3-4 times a week is a little excessive. Why do we always have to try to justify our feelings like this? If it bothers you and you don't like it, it bothers you and you don't like it. Stop trying to talk yourself into having it not bother you. Your feelings matter, whether he thinks they do or not.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Your husband is messing up. He is being a jerk whether he realizes it or not. But you need to call him on it.
> 
> Your time comes off the top. Yes, you should work with him so he can have his sports time. But that time should not be at the expense of the time you guys would have together. You should be his priority. Balance is hard to find sometimes. That is when priorities are required.


I do agree. In the past when we've been arguing over the same things at some point he usually says 'fine, i'll just not go' but that usually ends up with me telling him to go anyway as im not quite in the mood for him being in the house after an argument. This time I was waiting for him to say it, I was all for him to let his friends down the way he did me but this time he didnt say it.

Im very paranoid that his friends dont like me. They've made nasty comments about every other girlfriend (guys girlfriends) so I dont suppose I'll get treated any differently. One of his friends attitude towards me and husbands time together is 'you see her all the time', yes we do live together but its not always quality time together. but of course thats the guy thats now divorced..........I wonder why

He always argues that he cancels things with his friends for me all the time but what he means is he sometimes turns down their 24/7 offers to go out. Its not cancelling if you havent told them yes in the first place!!!!!!!!!argh!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Then come up with a "quality time" schedule. So he knows what is YOUR time, and what is HIS time. Then you will get your needs met and not have to defend yourself, and he will get his needs met and not have to cause resentment.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> Then come up with a "quality time" schedule. So he knows what is YOUR time, and what is HIS time. Then you will get your needs met and not have to defend yourself, and he will get his needs met and not have to cause resentment.


I know what you mean but I feel I shouldnt have to come up with a schedule to see my husband. 

We have kind of been trying that but its still doesnt stick. We have a routine of visiting his family on a Friday (I visit mine by myself whilst he's with his friends) and we've been trying to make Sunday 'our' day together but yet last week he saw his friends on both those days,  to be honest I wasnt bother at all, so I am flexible and dont chain him but he only seems to remember the days that I get upset when he's seeing his friends and totally forgets the days that it doesnt bother me.

I keep thinking im being selfish for not wanting him to see his friends as much but the more Im thinking of everything thats not the picture I m getting.

So I've tried being nice and reasonable but thats not working so may be it's time that I start putting the foot down.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

I completely agree with everyone that he's not being fair to you and he needs to spend quality time alone with you. Besides that, is there any way that you would be able to compromise and all hang out together?

My husband's best friends are both unmarried now, but I'm very fortunate that they've always been super respectful of our relationship. They're also good about including my in plans when they think I'll enjoy it. I don't go along every time because guy time can be obnoxious, but it is fun sometimes and definitely gives me new insight into the male mind. Both of his friends are very open and honest, so they don't hold anything back on my account, so I know much more than I really want to.

You mentioned that you don't think that your husband's friends like you very much. Do they know you very well and vice versa? If not, maybe you should be around them more. That way they can hopefully see how great you are and why your husband loves you. 

My suggestion would be that when you do get together with all of them, try not to always put yourself in the "wife" role. Your husband's friends obviously need to see that you're not his evil wife that's trying to keep him away from his friends, you're a woman that's interesting, funny or (insert your best personality traits here). This might make it easier for them to see why your husband is with you, so they'll back off a little. 

And if it doesn't work, then like others have said, you need to step up and make your husband respect your feelings. You should definitely be his top priority.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Lea2407 said:


> I completely agree with everyone that he's not being fair to you and he needs to spend quality time alone with you. Besides that, is there any way that you would be able to compromise and all hang out together?


We used to hang out together but over the years his friends have split up with there partners and the new girlfriends come and go Its only me and my husband thats stood the test of time. One of the other guys is now engaged (I get on with his fiancee) but my husband made a comment the other day that the guy is feeling unsure.
Over the past couple of years its turned into a just the guys hanging out thing. All us girls are outsiders!

For me its getting to the point I dont really want to see them anyway.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

KI0159 said:


> I do agree. In the past when we've been arguing over the same things at some point he usually says 'fine, i'll just not go' but that usually ends up with me telling him to go anyway as im not quite in the mood for him being in the house after an argument. This time I was waiting for him to say it, I was all for him to let his friends down the way he did me but this time he didnt say it.
> 
> Im very paranoid that his friends dont like me. They've made nasty comments about every other girlfriend (guys girlfriends) so I dont suppose I'll get treated any differently. One of his friends attitude towards me and husbands time together is 'you see her all the time', yes we do live together but its not always quality time together. but of course thats the guy thats now divorced..........I wonder why
> 
> He always argues that he cancels things with his friends for me all the time but what he means is he sometimes turns down their 24/7 offers to go out. Its not cancelling if you havent told them yes in the first place!!!!!!!!!argh!


He would never have to cancel anything if he already had you in his schedule first.


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## KI0159 (Apr 19, 2011)

Im back again!

So on Sunday, the supposed 'our' day, we were going out in the morning and before 'our' day even began he's asking 'is it ok if I see the guys later'  So our day was spoilt because I didnt know how to handle that, we exchanged a few words which resulted in him huffly saying 'fine I wont see them then'. He then got the silent treatment from me for about two hours. I dont mean to give him the silent treatment but I dont know how to just put these things out of my mind.

He's says he hates saying to me that he's going out with the guys coz he knows how I react............so why f**cking say it then! He tends to think about all the times I dont want him to see his friends rather than all the times the it doesnt bother me that he's out again with them.

He looked at Sunday as spending the majority of the day with me but still managing to see his friends too. I guess that doesnt seem to unreasonable but why do I get annoyed.

I said to him lastnight about doing something with my nephews next weekend and he said he couldnt as its one of the guys birthdays coming up so they'll probably go out that weekend for it. I said but you dont have anything planned its just a 'probably' so why dont you put me in your schedule but no I didnt make a deal of it but constantly feel second place.

Neither of us know how to make this problem permanently go away. 
I want him to have friends
I dont want him seeing them all the time
I want him to spend time with me without me feeling im trapping him
I want to not be bothered if he wants to spend time with friends.

I always end up feeling so guilty over this and that annoys me too as its him that keeps messing things up.

Some times I think may be I should go out all the time and put other people first but then thats not going to solve anything, if anything he would end up thinking its ok to go out all the time.

If I tell him that I dont want him to go out then I just feel like an evil b***h. I wish he'd just realise.


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