# Not proud! but I had to do it something...



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

So if you've read my other post, you know my situation with my wife, who "loves me but is not in love with me"...yet swears she isn't cheating.

She demanded i move out, so i did. I complied with all of her demands. she eventually changed the locks (on the house that we both own)

She went out of town to "see her parents"...when, due to prior snooping, i saw she was also looking at flights, to see the guy I think she's been getting involved with (emotionally) so that she could get physical with him.

I talked to her dad on the phone (made up a story about needing to get in touch with her, and that i knew she was visiting them for the weekend)

Well, he sounded confused and said "What? she's not here visiting us...i haven't talked to her in days"

So, she lied, further adding to the pile of doubt and inconclusive proof of infidelity.

I eventually talked to her in text, talked about seeing a counselor (she wouldnt answer the phone, only texts, shes avoiding actually seeing or talking to me)

She declined. no beating around the bush.

*Long story short I did something I'm not proud of, but feel I had to do it for peace of mind, and for my own divorce proceedings.*

I broke into my own house (well, i own it, so its not really breaking and entering unless there is a legal reason to not be there, and there isn't)

Got on her computer...that had no password. Checked web history, found TONS of proof, searching for flights, dates (that much up with where he lives, and when she was out of town)

Despite previous attempts to confront her about cheating and being involved with another man, she is DEDICATED to believing she isn't involved...yet all the red flags, neon lights, and marching band are pointing that direction...

oh, the grand prize? I found a receipt, and a home-pregnancy test (which came out negative btw) dated from a few days ago sitting in our master bathroom on the floor (not even IN the garbage, just, next to it!). We haven't had sex in 5 months. and I know she's had periods since then....so she wasn't concerned about having my kid! that's for sure!

Morally, I feel ashamed for crossing the line, but justified. Legally. I am justified, and will be, especially when things get ugly. It won't make anything actually better, and it's not what I wanted, but hey....I've always been 100% honest, and faithful...and she clearly can't be, so good riddance.

I'm still going to confront her about this information, cautiously....but I know it's all over now, but i'm just looking to HEAR her tell the truth, and finally admit the truth.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You had every right to do what you did and she's the a**hole here. Don't feel guilty about doing what you did to find out. 

Don't try to anticipate your own reaction to this. There will be a full grieving process ahead and you will feel overwhelmingly sad for a while. Expect it and ride it out. 

Don't feel guilty about anything. What she did is not justifiable by anything. I mean anything. 

You will forgive her when the right time comes. Right now it's about letting her know that you are aware of it and are hurt. 

Take the next steps when you feel calmer. As I said, expect a ton of shock, sadness and confusion, but don't let guilt set in. You haven't done anything to justify her affair. NOTHING.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's a shame that you let her push you out of your own home. She should have been the one to leave if she wanted to be separate from you. If you wanted to you could just move back in. Get a lock smith to make you some keys.

There is nothing at all wrong with what you did. It’s your home, the marital home. Too bad you did not put a keylogger on her computer. How many more days is she gone for? You could still do it. Then you would get read evidence. What you have right now does not prove infidelity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where is all this money she is spending? Do you have access to the accounts the money is in?

Have you seen a lawyer? You need to find out what to do to stop her from blowing all the money. If she knew that she will have to pay you back half of all that she's blowing ( she's wasting marital assets) she might stop doing it.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Sadly, it's her own account, we never did a joint account...which shoulda been a red flag i guess...

i'm going for legal council monday first chance I get.

As I understand it, they can look up her information, and basically see how she's been spending, in the event that she is trying to "prevent me from taking it"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What happens is that your attorney will do a discovery. You will both have to provide each other all of your bank and other financial statements going back at least 1-2 years. 

If she refuses to provide them in discovery, your attorney can ask for a court order so that you (via your attorney) can ask the bank to provide the statements. You can also ask for copies of bank transactions .. like deposit slips, checks that were deposited, etc.

The other thing you can do is to ask the court to include in the court order to write to banks to ask if she has ever had an account with them.

I have one person who is about to do that. His wife has been hiding money for years. 

Your wife could be moving the money and not spending it.

If she has a seperate account, how do you know that she's spending that much money?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Change the locks on the house while she is gone on her date weekend. Alsohire a PI and expose the OM to his gf or wife and your wifes arents
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

well, the week shes aid she wanted to separate....she bought a 35k car...while she had a perfectly functioning car...she admitted to giving her father 10k in cash to "help him out"...she started buying tons of new cloths, thousand dollar TVs, 500 dollar monitors...you name it, she was buying.

I was with her for 8 years...getting her to spend 100 dollars while out shopping was MISERY...she just WOULDN'T spend money...which is a good trait to have, being conservative and saving money....but she did a 180, and is now spending it like it's going out of style


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If it's your house...move back in and change the locks and give her a nice pile of what you've discovered about her cheating.

give her an hour to pack up and get out and then buhbye!

This totally sucks. You did nothing wrong, though. She's the bad guy here.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Nice to hear people tell me that i'm *not* the bad guy...she keeps villainizing me, and everytime we talk about it, the story twists and becomes worse and worse...like she's just trying to really convince herself that i'm the bad guy, to help her feel justified.

I would have moved back in...sadly though, without her I can't afford to keep that home...she can (i'm not ashamed to say she makes more money)....so she stayed because she could pay for it =/


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

stay strong


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No worries. Everything she buys is 1/2 yours. Don't tell her that. 

It is your home - dose not make any difference what you can afford without her salary. Changing the locks was illegal. I hope you are not still paying the mortgage or expenses. 

Go see a lawyer ASAP. Did you get copies of the recites for the expenditures? That is part of the marital assets that she is spending and she will have to make up for it. 

Actually, you are in a very strong position. I know you still love her but she is ignorant. She thinks she will not have to split the marital assets if she spends down. 

Don't let her know that she is dead wrong. She will have to give you the cash equivalent of 1/2 of the car or split the car in half.

Get more definite proof of the affair. Hiring a PI is worth it, you make it up in the settlement. When you get proof disclose to the OMW. 

Watch your back, you should never have left your house. In one yr tops you will be so glad you got rid of her. Hang in there and protect yourself from now on.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks for the kind words...Today was BAD...

She went from elusive, to aggressive in the worst way.

I confronted her...and someone else she speaks to about the ordeal. Apparently she is "terrified of me" and hasn't been flying out of town (though the search results are all matching the dates she has been unavailable)

she has been staying with a friend, and is absolutely terrified of me? i've NEVER yelled at her in the 8 years we were together...never raised a hand, barely even raised my voice! WHY would she be terrified of me? what's the logic in this?

I told her about what I found in our house, she flipped about me getting in even after she changed the locks...she had no right to do that anyway. and entering my own home, no matter how i did it...is legal.

She called me a "psycho, stalker" ....i haven't acted psycho at all, but the spying made me feel bad, so the "stalker" word hurt...but i definitely have NOT been stalking...she flatters herself with that one.

She also said "I F*&%ing hate you, and i'm getting a restraining order. Stay the F out of my life. I'm done."

to which she also said, in regards to me getting into my own home "I'm going to take EVERYTHING and then some."

She also mentioned that everything that she bought, and everything we made together is all hers..she earned it, and I don't deserve anything....


So, i'm in a dark corner right now...mostly because I never in my wildest dreams imagined that the person I had loved, and given all my trust to....would turn out to say these most terrible things


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you're not working and she is, she is going to have to pay for you divorce attorney fees so you'd better get yourself a shark attorney to go after her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you did not just move back in, you should not have told here that you got into the house and searched. You did not find enough evidence to prove an affair. Now she will go very undercover on everything she does.

In some states, like California, if there is spousal abuse the abuser can get the shaft in the divorce. She might be setting you up for that. 

You need to see an attorney like yesterday. File and get things moving.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

The person you had loved and gave all your trust to is currently dead. She may or may not come back to life. That's not your concern.

Consider her dead.

Now stop thinking you are in a dark corner. You're in the brightest spotlight of your life. You are getting rid of a toxic relationship and coming out financially stronger.

Get a good lawyer, a private investigator and change those damn locks.

You can win this and she's already lost. If she hadn't been the bit** she is and didn't cheat, I would've told you to go with your heart until all chances of reconciling are dead, but this is GAME OVER. This is it.

Throw her into the roller coaster and wish her lots of luck because she's going to need it.

All your legal fees will be paid by the mutual assets (her money mostly) anyway, so don't hesitate to hire the best and meanest possible ******* in the country.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Yea well, she said she was terrified that every day i was going into the house while she wasn't there...I only ever went in TWICE...

Once i told her about having done it...the other was Friday, when her story wasn't making sense.


We both work...she makes twice my salary...maybe even 3 times that...

yet she said she was going to take me for everything and then some? She's just being spiteful now...

We also just bought our house, and the tax refund from the mortgage is something we are supposed to split...she says she refuses and is going tot ake all of it...

Granted, she literally bought the house by taking out the loan while we were married, because she wanted a home ...but i couldn't afford it...however, i sweat blood and tears renovating, installing, repairing...improving our home...i also spent much of my money doing it, and i paid all the bills after we owned the home...

however, she believes that I should not be entitled to any of it, because i didn't "earn it"...

despite having given up 8 years of my life...sacrificing everything along the way for her happiness, sometimes even sacrificing mine...sure money wise i didn't compare to her...but i did other things in place of monetary "earnings"


sunday i'm going to call a lawyer that supposedly takes consults on the weekends (though i dont know if sunday counts)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

dude stop being so naive.

She will lose at least half of everything she has. Depending on where you are, she may even have to pay you spousal support. She's f***ed. 

Don't even listen to what she says. She's stupid. Your lawyer will make her a miserable poor divorcee with regrets that will haunt her for eternity.

Win big and don't be naive. Have you called the freaking lawyer yet?


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

can't until tomorrow morning but i'm all set to do it and handle it...

I just want to wake from this nightmare...move on...and maybe one day, find someone true and honest


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum,

How long have you been married to your wife?

What state do you live in?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> and maybe one day, find someone true and honest


Someone true and honest will *find you*. You don't even have to try all that hard. 

It will feel like an eternity before you have your s*** together and can comfortably love another person, but due to the time it takes to heal from this ordeal, you will have built up so much affection and love inside you, the next person who deserves your love will absolutely adore you for who you really are.

Don't get me wrong. I'm probably the most pro-marriage person on this forum, but this thing you were put through doesn't deserve the roller-coaster of possible reconciliation right now.

Maybe in years, but right now you need to heal and find your balls first.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I live in Houston TX....we were married for 1 year and 1 month (back in october 2010)


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

ok perhaps you will not get spousal support, but you get half of everything. Get a good lawyer and offer all the money needed. It's her money mostly anyway. Hurt her financially like you are stealing from a casino. F*** her.

She wants to play the game, she has to pay up. If you were the one that initiated all this, I would've told you to simply take as little as you can and move on without hurting her, but ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> Yea well, she said she was terrified that every day i was going into the house while she wasn't there...I only ever went in TWICE...
> 
> Once i told her about having done it...the other was Friday, when her story wasn't making sense.


Now that you told her and that you are not going to move back into the house, don’t go into the house any more. If she brings up to her attorney that you broke into the house, just tell them it’s the marital home. Just tell your attorney that your wife changed the locks on the marital home and she threw you in the street. That will not go over with a judge. She does not have the right to do that.
Where do you live now? With family? Friends?



CSeryllum said:


> We both work...she makes twice my salary...maybe even 3 times that...
> 
> yet she said she was going to take me for everything and then some? She's just being spiteful now...


Each state has their own divorce laws. But there are similarities. She cannot take for you for everything. The two of you will basically split the community property 50/50. In equitable distribution states you might actually get more of the assets since you earn less. She has more of a chance to recoup then she does. 

For spousal support…. You can ask for interim support until the divorce is final. If she makes a lot more than you do, then you will basically get about ½ of the difference between her income and your income. 

Divorces can take a long time.. a year or two. So that’s could be a nice little surprise for her to have to dish out ‘her’ income to you.
For an 8 year marriage she might be paying you spousal support after the divorce. In some states a marriage of 10 years or more is considered long term so long term spousal support can apply . 

Under 10 years and you could get spousal support for half the length of the marriage.. 4 years.

Do you want to go to school to improve your earning potential? This might be the time to do it.

I live in New Mexico. They consider 20 years a long term marriage and there is no spousal support after divorce before 20 years. Every state is different.



CSeryllum said:


> We also just bought our house, and the tax refund from the mortgage is something we are supposed to split...she says she refuses and is going tot ake all of it...


Is this a 2009 tax refund or a 2010 tax refund?

Where is the tax return going? Will it come in the mail or direct deposited? Make sure you have changed your address to where you are staying now. She has to give you 50% of the tax return by law. 

If it comes in a check form you have to sign the check. If she forges your name, you can bring criminal charges against her. That’s a felony. Make sure you list the tax refund in your community assets. She has to give you 50% by law. 

Also the two of you should file married joint for 2010 taxes. Filing married separate will cause both of your taxes to go through the roof… especially her taxes.




CSeryllum said:


> Granted, she literally bought the house by taking out the loan while we were married, because she wanted a home ...but i couldn't afford it...however, i sweat blood and tears renovating, installing, repairing...improving our home...i also spent much of my money doing it, and i paid all the bills after we owned the home...


So the home loan is only in her name? How much equity is in the home? 50% of that equity is yours. She would have to buy you out.



CSeryllum said:


> however, she believes that I should not be entitled to any of it, because i didn't "earn it"...


Who cares what she believes. There are laws. She is subject to the laws just like anyone else is.


CSeryllum said:


> despite having given up 8 years of my life...sacrificing everything along the way for her happiness, sometimes even sacrificing mine...sure money wise i didn't compare to her...but i did other things in place of monetary "earnings"


You will get 50% of all assets. So hopefully you will get something back.



CSeryllum said:


> sunday i'm going to call a lawyer that supposedly takes consults on the weekends (though i dont know if sunday counts)


Your wife has set herself up to get hit pretty hard financially. Just make sure you get a very good attorney. Be careful because they all will promise you the moon.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> I live in Houston TX....we were married for 1 year and 1 month (back in october 2010)


Ok, so your marriage was very short marriage. 

You can probably get interim spousal support until the divorce is final. While you are going through the divorce, you are still married. So you are both required to support each other by law. So you each get 1/2 of your joint income. Talk to your attorney about this.

You also said that you were together for 8 years. If you lived together you might be able to claim that you were in a common law marriage before you married. Here is a site that talks a bit about that. Again ask your attorney about common law marriage and divorce.

Common Law Marriage, Travis County, Texas


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

CSeryllum,

EleGirl told you all there is to say.

She's going to get hurt by this badly, but don't let her know that just yet. Let the joy of surprise and shock hit her. She will absolutely enjoy getting shafted out of most things she considers "hers".

What an idiot she is.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Thanks for the information it all helps very much 

We don't have hardly any equity in the home...selling it would actually make us lose money...so i'm not sure how we are going to handle this yet.

We bought the house jan 2011 (i said 2010 earlier i think?)...so we need to file jointly, but she is trying to (in her enraged state) say, she doesn't care, she is filing separately, and "taking it all"

honestly, for me it's not about the money..sure a little would help make my life easier so i could move forward...but she's in a frenzy, and thinks im after everything just to spite her....i'm not a monster...and even though this is ending so brutally...i don't want to be "that guy" and try to make off like a bandit. I just wish she would see...i'm not the villain she is making me out to be...but i'm also not a doormat, and have more than earned my share of respect during our relationship!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Over time she will feel ridiculous for acting so emotionally. She will question her own sanity and sincerity. You may put some guilt on yourself too, but it's not hard to figure who inflicted more damage on the relationship than the other. She will totally get it later on.

Always remember. She wanted it. Unless she was under abuse, there's nothing that will justify her actions in the future. That my friend, you can take comfort in and sleep a bit easier (I know you wake up with the crappiest feeling in the world. Been there, and I'm still there.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> Thanks for the information it all helps very much
> 
> We don't have hardly any equity in the home...selling it would actually make us lose money...so i'm not sure how we are going to handle this yet.


Whatever equity there is in the house, no matter how small is half yours. The best way to handle it is to just let her keep the house. But she has to buy you out. That means she gives you half of the equity. It might only be $500. But hey, $500 is $500.



CSeryllum said:


> We bought the house jan 2011 (i said 2010 earlier i think?)...so we need to file jointly, but she is trying to (in her enraged state) say, she doesn't care, she is filing separately, and "taking it all"


She cannot file her taxes as single. She has to file either married joint or married separate. Married separate pays higher taxes than both married joint and single. She files married separate she’s not getting that big fat tax return she thinks she’s getting. The only way she will get it is if she files married joint. And that requires that you cooperate with her.

I went through this with my brother last year. He is getting a divorce. His wife is a “charmer” too. Last year she said that she was filing married but separate. I did their taxes in two scenarios … married joint and married separate. Each of them would have had to pay thousands extra in federal tax with married separate filings. So after he emailed the two sets of tax returns I’d done… and she double checked them with her high paid tax accountant… she agreed to let me to the tax filing and to file married joint. She was so angry that he was right… but oh well (she did not know that I was involved in all this.)

Also talk to your attorney about filing taxes. This is another reason to move quickly. He can, on your behalf, demand that she file the taxes the 2011 taxes married joint. She is obligated to file taxes in a way that is best for the marital community. 


CSeryllum said:


> honestly, for me it's not about the money..sure a little would help make my life easier so i could move forward...but she's in a frenzy, and thinks im after everything just to spite her....i'm not a monster...and even though this is ending so brutally...i don't want to be "that guy" and try to make off like a bandit. I just wish she would see...i'm not the villain she is making me out to be...but i'm also not a doormat, and have more than earned my share of respect during our relationship!


And part of you pushing for this financial stuff to show make the point that you have rights as well. It’s not all about her. Since you both were married for such a short time, I doubt you have much in the way of joint assets. So taking your half makes sense. It will help you set up in a new place and get you a bit of a nest egg. You are not taking anything from her by taking your half of community assets. You have no right to any assets she had before the marriage. She has no right to any assets you had before the marriage.

Asking for interim support is also your legal right. Don’t apologize for that.

Also, get the attorney to ask for her to pay your legal fees. You have the right to legal representation in your divorce.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Wow...she talked to me on the phone...told me to kill myself....WOW...devastating to be told that...

it just hit the fan


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## hilly2 (Jan 15, 2012)

In my opinion, you should cut contact with her. Nobody deserves to be talked to like that.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

yeah im done...she thinks that i'm just going to file an uncontested divorce....i told her i wont do that...but im also NOT trying to "take her to the bank" as she stated..she started flipping out saying "why are you doing this to me?"

as if she's the only one being victimized? i told her that this whole thing hurts me so badly it makes me just want to die its so painful...

and she said that i should kill myself...to put us both out of our misery...wow i dont have any words...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> Wow...she talked to me on the phone...told me to kill myself....WOW...devastating to be told that...
> 
> it just hit the fan


What happened that she told you to kill yourself?

Stop talking to her. Look at the 180 in my signature block below. This is how you have to interact (or not interact) with her from this point on.

If it is true that you have never been abusive to her, the reason she is probably afraid of you is because of her own actions. She might be afraid that if you knew the truth you would flip out Take that as a sign that things are worse than you imagine.

Stay away. Let your attorney handle everything.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

well, she demanded to know, whether our divorce would be contested, or uncontested...i tried to explain that i dont know...and that i dont think this is uncontested...and that i had no interest in taking all of her money or anything vindictive...she FREAKED out started screaming "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"...as if divorce is what *I* wanted?!?

I told her, it hurts me more than she could possible imagine to talk about ANY of this, i dont want her money, i just want to move on with my life, safe and secure...not scraping to get by because she left me with nothing.

I said "This hurts so bad, the pain is unbearable sometimes and it makes me just want to die because it hurts so much!"

Her response was "Then Fing kill yourself, and put us both out of our misery, just kill yourself."....

People say a lot when angry...but I believe that people also speak what they mean more so when angry...because they just cant hold it back.

Anyhow..I hung up the phone...distraught by that....she kept calling me back...started texting me...talking to people i know, to get them to convince me to talk to her...i just can't handle that...NO ONE should ever have to hear someone that they love(or loved) say THAT to them


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You need help dealing with her. Do you have a trusted freind or family member? Someone who will hang in with you over the next 3 - 6 months. Be willing to take frequent calls from you for support. 

This will get very nasty. She wants you to disappear for her convenience. Well, that is too bad. If the marriage was over for her then she was honor bound to tell you and plan an orderly exit. 

What she is trying to do is ditch you and give you nothing for the time and labour you invested in he marriage. 

Now it is on and you don't sound like you have your amour on for a fight. It is too new, raw and shocking now. 

You cannot share any of your hurt, vulnerability or needs with her. She not only does not care, she wants to destroy you. Go completely dark and put on your amour. 

The woman you loved is gone forever. You need time to morn but at the same time you need to get ready for a nasty fight. 

Teach her a lesson, get a very good lawyer, and get every thing you can out of the b***h. She needs to feel in her pocketbook what she cannot in her heart.

She wants you to kill yourself - no - show her how much alive you are and you intend to remain by enjoying the fruits of your labors. You spent many years supporting her with your love and support making it possible for her to concentrate on her career. 

It may not have meant anything to her but it did to you. Make sure you make a big enough dent in her bottom line - money - to let her know you where there.

Don't talk to her. Get a VAR when you must talk with her to record everything and keep all written records. Recording a person without their knowledge is illegal. You can use the recordings to make an accurate transcript of conversations. 

Conversely, since she is accusing you of violence then it may be legal in that you are protecting yourself as it appears she is dangerous to you. Ask your lawyer.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are in shock. But you have to recover fast. It is a pretty hard thing when someone you loved as much as you did can say such words. I read the first post you wrote again and could not believe you could be so respectful even after all the red flags and alarms. 

What she says or does is not in your hands. You are a good person. And she is a fvckin basket case. You cannot let a person like her let you down. Atleast she did not drown you after a couple of kids and 10 years later. 

Have you mentioned the pregnancy test? If you don't want to mention the break in , drop subtle hints that you want her to take a pregnancy test just in case  She is also a manipulative and a bad person. Don't ever trust her again in your life(if by off chance the OM dumps her). Expose her to her parents before she destroys your social reputation.


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