# Husband has not worked in 6 years. No sex in 3



## SO_LOST_80 (Apr 20, 2013)

Im not going to make this a sob story, but i been married 6 years and my husband has not worked in all 6 years. I have worked 3 jobs while he has tired to go to school, but i am at my end i think. We have a 4 year old and he has not wanted to have sex in 3 years (right after she was born). He has never cheated he "just does not feel like having sex" we are both mid 30's. Im miserable, but i dont want to be lonely either. im not sure what to do.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Could be that he is clinically depressed about not being the man/breadwinner. Men take that stuff pretty hard on themselves, no matter what you say to the contrary. Has he gained a lot of weight? does he also sulk around the house and is hard to motivate for other things? Is he involved as a father/parent?


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## SO_LOST_80 (Apr 20, 2013)

He is involved as a father, but he just has no motivation to do anything. The back yard has so many weeds that they are starting to crawl up the wall of the house. i dont know may its time to just cut my losses, but with no life skills i dont think he will make it on his own. he has no family to speak of and no friends. My parents regret that i have a child with him. Its a mess.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does he do with his time if he is not working?

How much job hunting has he done?


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## SO_LOST_80 (Apr 20, 2013)

He has had 1 job in 12 years. it lasted about 4 months in 2001. He basically calls his mom every month if he needs money because i wont give him any. Yea i know i made a huge mistake here. Just dont know what to do about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So you knew he did not want to work when you married him?

You did not answer my question. What does he do with his time if he is not working?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SO_LOST_80 said:


> He is involved as a father, but he just has no motivation to do anything. The back yard has so many weeds that they are starting to crawl up the wall of the house. i dont know may its time to just cut my losses, but with no life skills i dont think he will make it on his own. he has no family to speak of and no friends. My parents regret that i have a child with him. Its a mess.


How old are the two of you?

He has a mother who gives him money? So tell him to leave... she will help him out. He is not your problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sure you know what to do about it. You get him out of your life. You are supporting the family. You know what he is, and if nothing else, he IS consistent. He wants to mooch off you or whoever else will be his meal ticket.

Do yourself, your child, and this man a favor: LEAVE. C'mon, this isn't as big a mess as you think it is. You are fine. However, your husband is a mess.

So, clean up the mess. You can take care of yourself and your child. Life is short. Very, very short. Cut your losses.

What the heck is keeping you with this blood sucker anyway? Because at this point, you know what he is. So what is wrong with you that you would keep this type of man in your life?


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## SO_LOST_80 (Apr 20, 2013)

we are both mid 30's. Well i gained about 120 lbs since my daughter was born so my self esteem is not exactly there to leave and find someone else. not really sure why i stay around. And yes that is right his mom gives him an "allowance" each month. I stopped questioning it long ago. In fact, I have not spoken to her in about 5 years directly.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

your self esteem is only gonna get lower at this rate, ask for a trial separation, see if that knocks some sense into him, if not then you already know what needs to happen. Your weight should have nothing to do with this, I personally find a little chubby VERY attractive!!!


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## SO_LOST_80 (Apr 20, 2013)

if you find 320 pounds attractive then there is hope for me yet.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SO_LOST_80 said:


> Well i gained about 120 lbs since my daughter was born so my self esteem is not exactly there to leave and find someone else.


Uh, excuse me here for being blunt, but the idea of leaving is not to just go out an glom onto "someone else." When we leave a bad relationship, we do so in order to maintain our self-respect and dignity.

I don't care if you are two tons overweight. You have a DEAD WEIGHT you are dragging around. So what is it? This loser of a man is better than NO man?

Go see your doctor. Go buy a month's worth of NutriSystem. Go to Weight Watchers online. I battled a weight problem for years. The solution? Taking the first step. Start by going on a sensible diet that won't make you feel deprived. Then start walking a mile or two a day.

Oh, yeah ... and self-esteem aside ... that is a crappy excuse to hang onto the bum. Get rid of him. Go see a good family law attorney. 

And, most importantly, work on yourself. Once you regain your self-esteem, you will find a good man you deserve.

P.S. - I doubt your were overweight when you hooked up with this jerk. So, drop the weight excuse. Figure out why you really feel the need to keep this a$$clown in your life. Seriously.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what if you never find anyone else? This guy is not loving you. He's not helping you. He's mostly using you. Do you really need a man in your life so badly that you will stay just for this?

So what if you gained weight? If you leave him you might acutally rebuild your self respect, start doing things that make you feel good and lose weight. 

You would be better off without a dead beat dragging you down. 

Remember that your daugher is learning about what her life is like from you. If you stay, she will think that she has to marry a dead beat as well. Is this what you want for her?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SO_LOST_80 said:


> if you find 320 pounds attractive then there is hope for me yet.


I think you're so insecure that you put up with intolerable behavior and that just makes you and him have less respect for you. I also think you know a things you need to do but you're afraid because... well it's scary. You have to love and respect yourself and feel like you're worth it (and you are worth being treated with love and respect) before you can take any steps to change this.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

So let me get this straight. The wife works, the husband stays at home and takes care of the child. The wife won't give him spending money so he has to ask his mother for it.

I just can't help thinking of the sexism here. Readers of TAM, if the genders were reversed here, would you still be so harsh on the OP's spouse? In that situation, I have a feeling everybody would instead be much more critical of the husband withholding money from the stay-at-home wife. 

Anyway, that aside, there are multiple problems here, sex is just one of them. SO_LOST, to be brutally honest, gaining 120 lbs doesn't help. Good gravy - that's the weight of an entire human being. And I'm willing to to bet that if you gained that much weight, you husband gained quite a bit too. So you have the multiple problem of his decreased attraction to you, compounded with less sex drive on his part from his added weight. Both of you probably need to get back in shape, and additionally he needs a medical checkup to find out what is wrong. Mid-30s is way too young to give up your sex life.

The other problem is work. You don't give us much information about his education or job background. Unemployment is bad everywhere right now, but you are right, if he's going to stay at home, he shouldn't neglect stuff like weeds. Level with him and tell him that if you two are going to make this work, then you both need a job. Either a job outside or a job at home. He's in his mid-30s then he's an adult and should start acting like it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He's had one job in 12 years, and it only lasted 4 months. He gets an allowance from mommy even though he's in his 30s. You knew this, but married him anyway, and now you're unhappy, heavier, and don't feel good about yourself. (I suspect your self esteem was already pretty darned low if you agreed to marry a guy with no job who was still clinging to mama's tit.) 

Because your weight seems to be part of what makes you afraid to leave, I would encourage you to join Curves or start some sort of exercise program to whatever degree you're able. The exercise itself will help you feel better and have more energy right now, and over time, it'll help you look the way you'd like to. 

You still have no answered Elegirl's question about how he spends his time. If he is staying home and taking care of your child, then he does deserve credit for it, just like a stay at home mom would. Does he do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook meals, clean floors? 

What do you want to see happen? Are you trying to recover your relationship or wanting to figure out how to leave? 

Also, how was your sex life before you had your child?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yea if we ignore political correctness then 
- you gotta get healthy and lose some weight. 
- he has to work.

These aren't really optional if you want him to be attracted to you and if you want to be with someone who you feel like deserves the version of you that put in the work to be more healthy. If you want to start fixing you life in general then there's really no other option except to fix your part and lose weight and then see if he's putting in work to fix himself.


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