# Feeling Trapped



## musicgal (Feb 16, 2010)

I'm new to the boards and just wanted to vent a little...hoping someone might have some insight.

I've been married for almost 9 years and have a wonderful 1 yr old son, however I have been feeling trapped lately. I just feel like our marriage has hit a brick wall and isn't going anywhere.

My husband and I work together and are together most of the time. We bicker and argue a lot, we rarely have sex, and I just don't really feel very attracted to him anymore. I find some of his flaws and habits beginning to really annoy me. We don't do anything lovey-dovey - hold hands, snuggle, we don't even really kiss that much. We are both so busy with our jobs and our kid that it doesn't really even cross our minds that we haven't done any of these things. I have been trying to improve my appearance by losing weight, but he has no desire to better himself - which sabotages my efforts. I feel that if he doesn't care what he looks like to me, why should I care what I look like to him? 

I know I am just as much to blame, but I can't help but be upset that it doesn't bother him at all. As far as I know, none of this bothers him. I don't want to leave him, but the thought of spending another 30+ years in this lifeless relationship is really depressing!!!

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!


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## Confused Man (Feb 14, 2010)

I'm a man who has recently separated from my wife. This experience for me has been very insightful, and I'm forming a new perspective on life. With that said, I hope I'm not overreaching here by commenting, but I do think I can offer some suggestions.

Some couples are required to work extra hard after children. There's no doubt that this happens. You two need to date again. Find a sitter to watch baby, and go on dates after baby goes to sleep.

You two are together way too much of your lives. You or him, must find new employment outside of each others company all the time. 

When you discuss losing weight, that tells me that you have a problem. This problem lies more in appearance of yourself, than the way your husband looks at you. It's important that you take care of this, otherwise it will certainly cause you more problems in the future. Start getting serious about your appearance ... start caring ... make the step to be the best you possibly can. This builds confidence, and will certainly lead to better intimacy, and not just sex. I promise you. Also, this new you, will rub-off on him, and you will get what you want from him (taking care of himself), without saying a single word.

Stop looking for blame.


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## shazil (Feb 25, 2010)

musicgal said:


> I'm new to the boards and just wanted to vent a little...hoping someone might have some insight.
> 
> I've been married for almost 9 years and have a wonderful 1 yr old son, however I have been feeling trapped lately. I just feel like our marriage has hit a brick wall and isn't going anywhere.
> 
> ...


He does not love you PERIOD. the day you first sensed this is the day he was not in love with you.


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## Hetfield (Feb 7, 2010)

musicgal said:


> I'm new to the boards and just wanted to vent a little...hoping someone might have some insight.
> 
> I've been married for almost 9 years and have a wonderful 1 yr old son, however I have been feeling trapped lately. I just feel like our marriage has hit a brick wall and isn't going anywhere.
> 
> ...


Let's reverse the roles here a bit. I'm just like your H. In fact, the similarities in your post to what we've been going through are striking...only we have been married a few years less and our baby is now a very, very busy 3-year-old boy.

When she was younger, she was all about going to the gym, teaching aerobics, etc. She had a rough relationship before I came along, gained a bunch of weight and her sibling's wives kept rubbing it in her face that she would never find a good man with all that weight. Well, suffice to say, she found me and we proceeded to fall in love, get married and have our son. Since then, she has gone back to the gym and she's getting her body back that she had when we was in her early 20s (she is in her late 30s now).

Our love life has been put on the backburner for the past 3 years, basically ever since our son was born. If memory serves me correct, we have been alone overnight without our son twice in 3 years. Outside of that, at least one of us has been in the house when he wakes up in the morning. We've gone on dates and socialized with friends by getting a sitter but it's not enough it seems. We get home from dinner, take the sitter home and by that time it's only 10pm and she's usually too tired to knock boots.

We also both work together so we see each other A LOT. Before we got married, she was all about PDAs like holding hands, openly being flirty with me when others were around, etc. Since we got married, the PDAs have completely stopped and it makes me wonder sometimes if I wasn't being used as a trophy or something when we were out in public.

The only distinguishing difference between my scenario and yours is the arguing. We rarely fight and if we do, it's usually something that is settled and forgotten about right away, we don't hold grudges toward each other.

She wants me to go to the gym to get back in shape but, seriously, time works against me as my job has me going at different hours of the day and I need a routine to follow when it comes to hitting the gym or my body doesn't respond the way it should. Not that I'm overweight or anything (5'8", 165) it's just that she wants me to get back into shape.

So, what am I trying to say? Hang in there. I'm finding out first hand that young kids can zap any kind of sexual energy and put strains on a marriage like no other outside force. I feel like our marriage has hit a wall, and maybe it has...but I think its just a temporary thing and as time goes on, the walls will become fewer and fewer between.

My W complains that she isn't very good at coping with everything that is happening around her. Work, raising 2 children (we have a 3 yr. old plus me), trying to maintain a home that you'd find on the cover of Good Housekeeping, keeping herself in shape, trying to find time to pursue her hobbies...and, if theres an extra 5 minutes left at the end of the week, there may be a quickie in the bedroom before the lights go out.

Again, I just say "hang in there" and remember to take each day one at a time. It's something I've learned to do...accept your SO for what they are and take care of yourself first.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

get the book the 5 languages of love by gary chapman and try to turn things around making sure you figure out what is missing in the way you two fill each others needs......when the love tank is full things will change between you when it's not the resentment and impatience starts to happen, this is an easy fix.......good luck


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