# Str8 raw honest answers from the betrayer



## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

What would cause a man to cheat on their loyal wife.
If you have been married a long time & had a great marriage==why cheat then want to stay married..

When you were with the other person did you ever think of your wife..

What was the real raw thoughts that was going thru your mind as you were having sex with the new woman.

After the sex did you ever have guilt or was it too great with the feeling of that thrill to have remorse.

When you first talked to your wife after the sex did you feel anything inside for your wife..

If you got caught by the wife = did you lie & swear that you didnt cheat..why?? Was the real reason to keep it a secret,,because if you already cheated then the most vital reason is broken now anyway..so why?? Keep lying about it..

Why do men when caught cheating run down the other women they were cheating with= with aweful hurtful words.i'm confused on this becuz if you cheated with her over your beautiful wife why then say those words..she was special enough for you too cheat with but when you get caught the other woman is now the trash one..

Once you have affairs is it true that you can change & if so what would be the signs of changing to improve your marriage & show your wife you are sorry..


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

When you were cheating did you give the other woman gifts or any of your personal items your wife gave you.

Did you ever keep any gifts from the other woman she gave you..if so why??..is it a reminder or something that truly means something to you to keep it of your affair..

Did you ever take photos or videos of you & the other woman in bed..why??? Is it for you to go back & watch or becuz you had feelings for this other woman..


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I had an emotional affair - no actual sex - but everything but actual sex. My wife is a wonderful person, and an incredible wife - I was (still am) happily married when my affair began and ended. 

Here's my experience. Cheaters compartmentalize. My marriage and wife over here on one side, and my affair and AP (affair partner) over here on the other. When you're with one the other basically doesn't exist - good or bad. It's like walking from room to room and closing the door in between so you can't see from one into the other. 

I did get caught, but I let myself because I wanted out of the affair. The compartmentalization and secret were killing me. I had no intention of leaving my wife and the affair was literally eating my soul. The lies normally start when the two compartments meet and the cheater isn't prepared for it - it's damage control. It's also the cheater trying to wrap their head around what they have really done and been a part of as light reveals it. Cheaters lie to themselves about it just as much as they lie to everyone else. 

The signs of will a cheater do this again, IMO, are true remorse and a willingness to own what they've done, be held accountable and pay the prices for their actions. If a cheater does those things I think odds are much better than not that it won't happen again. For me - I did and am doing those things (we're 17 months post D day now) and I would rather chew my own appendages off than cheat again - never ever again in a million years for me.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Im trying so hard to accept what my hubby did to us.the brutal pain i have inside words or thoughts wont describe.he was the 1st person in my life i completely trusted & i told everything too..he never showed signs nor went out to clubs or anywhere when home.he cheated when the military would send him off.i am still finding out now how he got away with it.he used fake names,fake accounts,fake pix to lure women in.the only women who knew about him was the ones he was taking to hotels.then he would give them gifts or he was given gifts from them.i just found out that in 2007 after he got back from iraq he was having an affair online which turned into a trip to a hotel for 4dys..she gave him a necklace which he kept on his dresser all these years & told me a child gave it to him from iraq.after that affair he continued to call this woman until last year when i caught him,even going on skype for cyber sex with her.she never knew he was married.but i'm more worried about the 2nd woman i know about thou..he met her while in korea last year.she is a juicey girl from the phillipines in korea working at the club by camp casey..he went crazy for her & stopped calling me & bought her gifts but never bought me nothing from there..he did things with her he never did with me.but then again she is only 23 yrs old..but i will say that i was amazed how bad she looked for her age..she has a huge gut,no front teeth she wears a retainer that she barely wears..all the pix i saw of her are aweful.she has 2 kids in the phillipines living with her parents.the video i found of them having sex my hubby was not wearing a condem..so i will be honest im afraid to be tested..i truely dont know what to do anymore.my husband is such a nerd looking man with a high iq..very neat kept..we had such a great life & marriage..never argued we've been 2gether 14yrs..i still had butterflies in my stomach when i looked at him until last year when i caught him..now al i have is darkness inside..if he would of came clean & told me the truth i believe i could accept this much better.but he still lies,wont talk about it.but he wants to stay married.so im lost inside..i ask in prayer everyday to guide me on the path to some how get some joy back in my heart.this feeling is a feeling i would never want another human to bare.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I don't mean to threadjack but I have a question - 

Sigma1299 - how did you show remorse? I ask this because my H says he doesn't have time to be remorseful. His EA didn't go into the I Love You stages but there were dates and the whole "friendship" was kept a secret from me until a third party told me what my H was up to. Dday was 4 months ago and I still have questions I would like to ask them but we have had just one too many fights about all of this. This last fight he asked me if I believed him (about what did/didn't go on between him and OW) I told him that I find it hard to believe anything he says when he had been lying to me for so long, H got mad and gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> Sigma1299 - how did you show remorse? I ask this because my H says he doesn't have time to be remorseful.
> 
> I told him that I find it hard to believe anything he says when he had been lying to me for so long, H got mad and gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the night.


He sounds like he doesn't care about the pain he has caused you at all.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Long story short - when caught I confessed everything. I knew my only chance to regain my wife's trust was to make sure she did not catch me in a lie or omission after D Day, and I knew that without trust the marriage was over. I answered all of her questions honestly, willingly and gladly - as many times as she asked them - still today. I confessed to her mother in her presence. I confessed to my family in her presence (we're very close to both her family and mine). I willingly gave her access to everything in my life. I have never once gotten even frustrated with her for wanting to talk about it or triggering - I earned it. Her suspicion and fear is my fault and I cannot get mad or frustrated with her for feelings and emotions that I gave her. I told her every time I received any contact from my AP - I did break no contact a couple of times but that's a much longer story (I'm happy to talk about it if anyone is interested but it's a lot of typing I'll save unless there's a reason). 

I did everything she asked me to, and lots of things she didn't. It doesn't take a genius to stand up, take ownership of a screw up, fix it as best you can, and pay the prices - but it does take someone who is remorseful and willing to do so.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

To the OP: if your husband is still lying to you then he is not remorseful. If he says he still wants to be married, then he has another reason for that - maybe he doesn't want his family to know what he's done, maybe he likes the _idea_ of being married, I don't know. But the fact is, he is not doing what he needs to do, and you need to provide consequences to him or he'll just keep lying.

Regarding showing remorse - my hubby has pretty much been the model of remorse. For the most part - there are things he would rather not talk about and that upset him and he may get short with me once in a while - but I am very happy with the way he's stepped up. He didn't confess everything at once when I caught him, that took a while, and then there was one major setback, but things are good now. Some of the ways he shows remorse are: 
- answers my questions over and over and over a hundred times
- gives me access to everything - bank and credit card info, email addresses, his phone and phone bills, etc _unconditionally_
- apologizes to me over and over, sometimes when he can tell I need him to, sometimes just out of the blue
- goes to MC with me and wants to do so
- read The Five Love Languages, learned mine, and uses it now
- makes it a point to do things that fill up my love bank regularly
- attends SA meetings every week because he wants to
- is learning to talk about his feelings - this is a huge one for him
- has done a ton of reading and thinking to try to understand how much he really hurt me


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

For most men it would be

No sex
No affections
No sex
Nagging wife
No sex
Jealousy
No sex
Treat us like dirt
No sex


And for some men out there, we just can't keep our pants on if we know it's a sure thing. Raises hand (when I was younger).

But then again, this can go both ways with either men or women.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Ok i'm going to go out on a cliff here with my brutal honest ways..
I never nagged nor questioned my hubby until his affairs were exposed.
I've never even now went thru his wallet.
For our sex life well that is what seems to make me bitter=becuz i would dress up for him,play different roles.i would do crazy sex acts in public.
A few years ago we were driving back from fla on the interstate in broad daylite i got completely naked while he was driving & climbed on top of him & did my business.it was awesome..i always loved to surprise him with crazy sex acts to make him feel as i feel about him.sometimes i feel to blame for his cheating becuz i wonder if i created this beast in him.when we got 2gether he was green in bed..i taught him alot..i'm alot older then him.i told him i feel so violated on that issue becuz everything i taught him & invested in this long marriage he turned around & used it on strangers..i told him i feel like a slaughtered hog hanging with my throat & guts being ripped from me..i will never feel the same nor will i trust anyone again.i only can truely trust my dog & my bible.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

str8insane said:


> Ok i'm going to go out on a cliff here with my brutal honest ways..
> I never nagged nor questioned my hubby until his affairs were exposed.
> I've never even now went thru his wallet.
> For our sex life well that is what seems to make me bitter=becuz i would dress up for him,play different roles.i would do crazy sex acts in public.
> A few years ago we were driving back from fla on the interstate in broad daylite i got completely naked while he was driving & climbed on top of him & did my business.it was awesome..i always loved to surprise him with crazy sex acts to make him feel as i feel about him.sometimes i feel to blame for his cheating becuz i wonder if i created this beast in him.when we got 2gether he was green in bed..i taught him alot..i'm alot older then him.i told him i feel so violated on that issue becuz everything i taught him & invested in this long marriage he turned around & used it on strangers..i told him i feel like a slaughtered hog hanging with my throat & guts being ripped from me..i will never feel the same nor will i trust anyone again.i only can truely trust my dog & my bible.


Your stories like mine. I married the older woman who taught me and I tried out things she taught me on other women. She didn't corrupt me I had issues with me from the start that weren't her fault. I didn't believe I deserved her and always feared her leaving me. I cheated as a way to justify the inevitable. I really messed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

:allhail::allhail::allhail:


ashamed74 said:


> Your stories like mine. I married the older woman who taught me and I tried out things she taught me on other women. She didn't corrupt me I had issues with me from the start that weren't her fault. I didn't believe I deserved her and always feared her leaving me. I cheated as a way to justify the inevitable. I really messed up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ASHAMED74===YOU HIT THE NAIL RITE ON THE HEAD.
WOW NOW I UNDERSTAND IN SOME WEIRD WAY WHY HE WOULD TELL ME-I WAS TO GOOD FOR HIM,HOW DID HE EVER GET ME,HE WOULD CALL ME HIS TROPHY WIFE..NOW I GET HIS MENTAL MAN THINKING..MY HUBBY IS A NERD SERIOUSLY..BUT A CLOSET DIRTY NERD WITH BAD THOUGHTS HE TURNS INTO ACTIONS...'
ASHAMED74 COULD YOU TELL ME HONESTLY WHY IF SHE WAS GREAT ..WHY CHEAT...I'M WANTING TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN A MAN HAS A GREAT LIFE,WOMAN...THEY STRAY CHANCING IT ALL...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> For most men it would be
> 
> No sex
> No affections
> ...


I guess my husbands fall into the "Can't keep their pants on" catagory. I would never do any of the things in your list above. But apparently that does not matter.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

st8insane, you are putting a lot of energy into trying to figure out why he did this. For the record you sound like a great wife and he sounds like he didn't recognize it.

Are you trying to reconcile with him?


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

sigma1299 said:


> Long story short - when caught I confessed everything. I knew my only chance to regain my wife's trust was to make sure she did not catch me in a lie or omission after D Day, and I knew that without trust the marriage was over. I answered all of her questions honestly, willingly and gladly - as many times as she asked them - still today. I confessed to her mother in her presence. I confessed to my family in her presence (we're very close to both her family and mine). I willingly gave her access to everything in my life. I have never once gotten even frustrated with her for wanting to talk about it or triggering - I earned it. Her suspicion and fear is my fault and I cannot get mad or frustrated with her for feelings and emotions that I gave her. I told her every time I received any contact from my AP - I did break no contact a couple of times but that's a much longer story (I'm happy to talk about it if anyone is interested but it's a lot of typing I'll save unless there's a reason).
> 
> I did everything she asked me to, and lots of things she didn't. It doesn't take a genius to stand up, take ownership of a screw up, fix it as best you can, and pay the prices - but it does take someone who is remorseful and willing to do so.


I sure wish everyone who got caught in your shoes would be this transparent and realize it is THEIR duty to make you trust them again and not think just because a small period of time has passed means they MUST trust the cheater. He/She who cheats and wants to stay in their marriage needs to realize there is no golden amount of time the other spouse should trust them. It could take years for the spouse to trust. And if you want to stay in the marriage, you will do whatever it takes, as long as it takes for your spouse to trust you again.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Yes i'm putting my entire soul into this wondering ..why???..
I just cant grasp his thinking..i have noone to confide in.i tried my sisters but they love my hubby..he is deployed right now..and still lying..
I want to make sure i do the right thing here without one what if crossing my mind..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

str8insane said:


> Yes i'm putting my entire soul into this wondering ..why???..
> I just cant grasp his thinking..i have noone to confide in.i tried my sisters but they love my hubby..he is deployed right now..and still lying..
> I want to make sure i do the right thing here without one what if crossing my mind..


Even though your sisters love your husband, surely they could give you some support!!!

One of the major issues I see here is that your husband is refusing to discuss all of this. He needs do that for you, so that you can heal from the damage he's done to you.

How much longer is he on deployment?


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

He has until sep this year..he's been gone since last summer..when i asked him about the video i just found of him with the new ow he denied it until i emailed it to him.he emails me back saying he was only protecting me from not telling me..i'm calling hog wash on that statment..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hogwash it is. My suggestion is that you use this time wisely by sending him information on what you need and expect from him so that you can recover.

Are you willing to take him back if he does not do what is necessary to stop his cheating and repair your marriage?


One of the problems with military guys is that when they are deployed there is often a code that they basically cover for each other. I was in the Army, I saw it going on. So he probably does not have many of those around him advising him to do the right thing.

The military has some kind of family support system. Have you called them? Have you called his commander? Sometimes they can help.

You could both even start counseling over the phone for this. No reason to wait until he comes home.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

All good questions. I will answer as completely and as truthfully as possible



str8insane said:


> What would cause a man to cheat on their loyal wife.


My wife had an affair, too. I suspected, but didn't have proof at the time that I had mine.
We were in a strained marriage and honestly didn't know how bad it had become or that we could do anything about it. My affair partner was my wife's best friend. She had the inside story from listening to my wife complain about me and told me everything that I wanted to hear.



str8insane said:


> If you have been married a long time & had a great marriage==why cheat then want to stay married..


During the affair, I wanted to divorce my wife and marry the OW



str8insane said:


> When you were with the other person did you ever think of your wife..


No.



str8insane said:


> What was the real raw thoughts that was going thru your mind as you were having sex with the new woman.


Pure pleasure.



str8insane said:


> After the sex did you ever have guilt or was it too great with the feeling of that thrill to have remorse.


There was a great deal of thrill, the new relationship was pure infatuation and joy.
There was also a great deal of guilt, because I knew that my wife was a good person.



str8insane said:


> When you first talked to your wife after the sex did you feel anything inside for your wife..


Yes. I still felt love for her, just no "spark".



str8insane said:


> If you got caught by the wife = did you lie & swear that you didnt cheat..why?? Was the real reason to keep it a secret,,because if you already cheated then the most vital reason is broken now anyway..so why?? Keep lying about it..


I was seen by my wife and didn't know it. So, I guess I didn't really get "caught". When I could no longer take the guilt that was eating me up inside, I told her and also told her that I wanted a divorce.



str8insane said:


> Why do men when caught cheating run down the other women they were cheating with= with aweful hurtful words.i'm confused on this becuz if you cheated with her over your beautiful wife why then say those words..she was special enough for you too cheat with but when you get caught the other woman is now the trash one..


We decided to go to counseling to see if there was anything worth saving. I also confided in friends and family members and was finally able to see how the OM set it up. She knew that i was vulnerable and was looking for a meal ticket. I was one of three possiblities.



str8insane said:


> Once you have affairs is it true that you can change & if so what would be the signs of changing to improve your marriage & show your wife you are sorry..


Absolutely.
But before that can happen, you and your husband have to fix what is wrong in the marriage. We have done that and are now in love like high school kids. It is work to keep your spouse constantly wanting you and thinking about you.
I know that I will never cheat again, no matter what. If for some reason, my marriage heads back down the tubes and I am as unhappy as I was 5 years ago, I will ask for a divorce and hopefully find someone else.

I am not blaming the OW, my wife, or her OM for my affair. I did it willingly and enthusiastically. I own that. I also will not take responsibility for my wife's affair. She did it. I have had no contact with the OM or OW in a long, long time. I will never contact the OW again.
I wanted to talk to the OM, but he refused to meet with me and talk man to man. I may see him at some time and if I do, I will tell him what I think of him.

Good luck in your search for a solution.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Dan you are amazing..i really respect you & admire your honesty..i'm so happy to hear your marriage is better now.
If i could have 1 wish it would be that my hubby would just tell the truth..talk,talk .talk to me..
I have always listened to him & gave him support daily.
The only words i believe from him is that his affairs had nothing to do with me.that i was a great wife.but i still feel i have to bare some blame for spoiling him as i did..making life easy for him..i do everything..my hubby dont even pay bills ..everything is on me..i'm alot older then he is so i dont go out to clubs nor bars.i dont drink or anything.home & church is where i am 99%..what is so funny was when he came home to try & work this out he was begging me to rub his feet..i told him ''naww'' you've been rubbed enough ,,lol..he is bothered by my coldness now..well he made it..


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## nightshift (Feb 4, 2012)

Str8,
I feel your pain. My now ex-husband was a serial cheater. I tried and tried and tried to save our marriage, to work with him, to keep our family (3 kids) intact. We went to counseling. He still cheated. He finally left me for her - I felt I was dying inside. I must say that counseling was a lifesaver, as well as close friends and family. Time DOES make it better but it is a grief that must be worked through.

Most importantly, you have to decide what YOU are worth. From one woman to another, you are worth so much more than he is giving you! Love yourself, respect yourself enough to NOT beg him to stay. Be strong; let him see you don't need him to survive. Find who you are, as an independent, strong woman. Seek help if you need it. 

I also had to learn that the question of asking "WHY?" will leave me nothing but frustrated. Affairs are often very complicated things, and there may never be an answer to that question at all. Instead of asking why he cheated, ask yourself HOW you can take care of you, WHERE you can get the help you need, WHO will be there in the moments you feel your worst. 

I had a wonderful counselor throughout the ending of my 17 year marriage. She told me, many times, that I should not listen to what my husband was saying about his affair; rather, I should look at his actions for his true intentions. That became very clear when I honestly looked at his choices - to continue seeing another woman despite my willingness to try and save the relationship.

A quote that also caused me to have a "lightbulb moment" during that time was this: "Never make someone your priority when they make you an option". Once I honestly took that to heart and understand that it related directly to my being worth so much more than the way I was being treated, it was so much easier for me to move forward. Was it easy? No. Was it the right decision? Absolutely. (As a side note, he is still with his mistress but she has already caught him cheating on her as well.)

ALso, please, please, please make an appointment with your physician immediately and be tested for everything! Chances are that you are not infected with anything, but if you are, you need to start a treatment now (i.e., antibiotics, more frequent paps, etc). Please don't let your fear of the unknown prevent you from taking care of yourself. 

Good luck to you and I hope you find some peace. I am now more than 2 years out from my experience and can see it much more clearly. I am more than happy to share my personal story with you more in detail or offer any help I can. I'll send good thoughts your way as well.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

str8insane said:


> Dan you are amazing..i really respect you & admire your honesty..i'm so happy to hear your marriage is better now.
> If i could have 1 wish it would be that my hubby would just tell the truth..talk,talk .talk to me..
> I have always listened to him & gave him support daily.
> The only words i believe from him is that his affairs had nothing to do with me.that i was a great wife.but i still feel i have to bare some blame for spoiling him as i did..making life easy for him..i do everything..my hubby dont even pay bills ..everything is on me..i'm alot older then he is so i dont go out to clubs nor bars.i dont drink or anything.home & church is where i am 99%..what is so funny was when he came home to try & work this out he was begging me to rub his feet..i told him ''naww'' you've been rubbed enough ,,lol..he is bothered by my coldness now..well he made it..


Thanks, Sweetheart. I don't think that I am amazing, I'm just another dumbass man. I made some awful mistakes in my marriage and have finally learned that. I do my best now to treat my wife like she deserves and the amazing thing is that I didn't have to change my personality, just my actions.

In order for you and hubby to heal, he has to be completely and totally honest with you. He has to answer all of your questions. Until that happens, you have every right to treat him like the lying cheating scumbag that he is.

You are not responsible for his cheating in any way, shape or form. He did it.
Obviously, there is something in your not right, or he wouldn't have looked elsewhere for attention. That is what* both *of you have to fix.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> "Never make someone your priority when they make you an option".


That is likely the wisest statement that I have read on this forum.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

str8insane said:


> :allhail::allhail::allhail:
> 
> ASHAMED74===YOU HIT THE NAIL RITE ON THE HEAD.
> WOW NOW I UNDERSTAND IN SOME WEIRD WAY WHY HE WOULD TELL ME-I WAS TO GOOD FOR HIM,HOW DID HE EVER GET ME,HE WOULD CALL ME HIS TROPHY WIFE..NOW I GET HIS MENTAL MAN THINKING..MY HUBBY IS A NERD SERIOUSLY..BUT A CLOSET DIRTY NERD WITH BAD THOUGHTS HE TURNS INTO ACTIONS...'
> ASHAMED74 COULD YOU TELL ME HONESTLY WHY IF SHE WAS GREAT ..WHY CHEAT...I'M WANTING TO KNOW OR UNDERSTAND WHY WHEN A MAN HAS A GREAT LIFE,WOMAN...THEY STRAY CHANCING IT ALL...


It was some greed. I thought if I could have this fine of a woman once was I good enough to do it again. I became what I thought was a good lover and wondered if what I learned would do the same for other women. My wife was addicted to me she said. It felt great. I wanted more than one addicted. The mistake cost me effort I could and should have been using on my wife to keep her love. I'm so sorry for what I've done. I really feel like a complete idiot. She is truly a dream.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

str8insane said:


> Dan you are amazing..i really respect you & admire your honesty..i'm so happy to hear your marriage is better now.
> If i could have 1 wish it would be that my hubby would just tell the truth..talk,talk .talk to me..
> I have always listened to him & gave him support daily.
> The only words i believe from him is that his affairs had nothing to do with me.that i was a great wife.but i still feel i have to bare some blame for spoiling him as i did..making life easy for him..i do everything..my hubby dont even pay bills ..everything is on me..i'm alot older then he is so i dont go out to clubs nor bars.i dont drink or anything.home & church is where i am 99%..what is so funny was when he came home to try & work this out he was begging me to rub his feet..i told him ''naww'' you've been rubbed enough ,,lol..he is bothered by my coldness now..well he made it..


My wife got cold and started taking pictures of herself and found out just how many men did want her. She became addicted to all the attention then neglected me for a few years till I found out what she'd been up to. By that time I was really trying with her and doing my best so her doing what she did hurt. I didn't forget the man I was. I knew clear as **** where I messed up. Your husband clearly needs some kind of wake up call. I hate that we had a good 5 year period where things went dry. It will never be that way again. My energy goes to the woman who deserves it for choosing me, my wife. I'll do everything and anything and do it with joy. I'm a lucky man to have her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

See my infidelity was caused bu the perfect storm of issues. The ego boost the perfect woman I had combined with my inner isssues then the crazy luck I had with women. It was like once I had a fine woman I became attractive to many other women. Call it dumb luck I guess. I was never a smooth talker or top in the looks so I really have no clue how I got as many chances as I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

str8insane said:


> If i could have 1 wish it would be that my hubby would just tell the truth..talk,talk .talk to me..


Cheaters are liars. Cheaters don't feel a need to be honest, so you can't really put any pressure on him to change.

Really, there is a long history of him cheating on you. It is who he is. Stop wishing and start seeing the reality of who he is and what he thinks of you and what he thinks of your marriage.

Then you can try to build a new relationship with him if you want. But there apparently never was the relationship you are mourning losing. You haven't done anything at all to change him into this cheater - he has always been that person inside.

The mental turmoil you are feeling is the conflict between what you believed to be true and what the facts show to be true.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

str8insane said:


> What would cause a man to cheat on their loyal wife.
> If you have been married a long time & had a great marriage==why cheat then want to stay married..
> 
> When you were with the other person did you ever think of your wife..
> ...


Can you say, "selfish"? Try as you may in trying to figure all this stuff out, it actually comes down to one thing. Cheaters are selfish and self-centered.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

str8insane said:


> Ok i'm going to go out on a cliff here with my brutal honest ways..
> I never nagged nor questioned my hubby until his affairs were exposed.
> I've never even now went thru his wallet.
> For our sex life well that is what seems to make me bitter=becuz i would dress up for him,play different roles.i would do crazy sex acts in public.
> A few years ago we were driving back from fla on the interstate in broad daylite i got completely naked while he was driving & climbed on top of him & did my business.it was awesome..i always loved to surprise him with crazy sex acts to make him feel as i feel about him.sometimes i feel to blame for his cheating becuz i wonder if i created this beast in him.when we got 2gether he was green in bed..i taught him alot..i'm alot older then him.i told him i feel so violated on that issue becuz everything i taught him & invested in this long marriage he turned around & used it on strangers..i told him i feel like a slaughtered hog hanging with my throat & guts being ripped from me..i will never feel the same nor will i trust anyone again.i only can truely trust my dog & my bible.


You did not create the beast in him. He betrayed you. He could have taken your sexual energy and turned it into something very intimate and wonderful with you when he was deployed or when he was away from you, through email, chats, etc. There are ways for couples to stay intimate while deployed. The fact that he went outside the marriage when he has a gal like you speaks volumns about him.

Never-is a long time.

You have overcome tough adversities in life and you will overcome this as well.


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