# Newb to forum dealing with infidelity



## Rustic4 (Dec 13, 2017)

Hello all, 

Have been lurking and reading topics on this forum as I have been going through my separation with my wife due to her infidelity. I must say, there is tons of great advise on here and I’m happy to know I’m not going crazy, that my feelings are normal. I am also happy that this site has helped my healing process. 

Bit of background on my situation: this is my second marriage and the second one that has ended due to my spouse cheating. While therapeutic to tell my story, I am more writing to help others that may be in my situation. 

All the signs were there, but love was blind. Hiding the phone, more time at work, more time going out with “ friends” and a new life I wasn’t part of. Having gone through this before, I realized what was happening, but still refused to believe. She moved into another bedroom in house and started going out more, coming home later and later. I found contraceptives (I had vasectomy years before...May be tmi!), and heard stories about her but still refused to believe. It wasn’t until I was provided hard evidence that I was finally able to accept the truth. By then, it was too late. She had made up her mind that the relationship was over and that she was moving on with her life without me. She recently moved in with her new boyfriend and seems to have no remorse at all. 

I tell all of you this so that someone may find solice in the fact that they are not alone. I spent months wallowing in self pity and wondering why me. I thought life was over and I would never find love again, especially after this being the second time. I want to tell everyone going through infidelity, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is there, but it will take time, forgiveness, and Being kind to yourself. 

Through counseling, a great support group of friends, and some serious self reflection, I was able to come to terms with everything. Please know that cheaters cheat because they made that decision. You cant blame yourself for the decisions and actions of others (this is assuming you were not and alcoholic, abusive, or abandoning your spouse). Cheating is a selfish act that has only the waywards spouse’s own interests in mind. They do not understand the meaning of commitment and vows of marriage. It takes hard work and honest communication to work though a marriage. Cheaters take the easy way out, and place blame on You for their insecurities and inability to work at commitment. It is the cheap and easy way out 

The best thing anyone going through this can do is move on with with your life (I know, easier said than done). Learn to love yourself again. Give yourself time to grieve, time to cry, and time to reflect. Remember the good things in your life (kids, family, job, etc). Take time out to exercise and relax. Take time to heal. It will also take some hard looks inside to realize that you contributed to issues in the marriage. It always take two. No matter how small, those contributions are there. Me, I jumped into second marriage without giving myself time to heal from the first. I didn’t take the time to see the signs and confront them. I assumed all was well because she ever said anything, even though I noticed her drifting away. 
My wife cheated and left because she was chasing passion and the honeymoon feeling, the dopamine fix. Regardless, if I was paying more attention, I would have seen the signs and had the hard conversations. It may have not ended happily, but it may have stopped the affair. 

The hardest and most important thing to do is forgive and let go. True love is letting the other go so you can each live the life you were supposed to live. Without forgiveness, you will harbor resentment and anger that will eat at you and keep you in the blaming and grieving process. It will keep you from healing and living life again, from finding love again. 

Please know you are not alone and you can make it through. You will be happy again and life will go on.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Welcome!

Sorry to read that you’re going through the Hell of infidelity a second time, but it’s good to read that you’ve got your head in a good place.

How goes the actual divorce process?

Have you filed yet?

Any kids?


----------



## Rustic4 (Dec 13, 2017)

I have three kids, but all with my first wife. Nothing changes with visitation or time spent with them. They were very hurt by the current situation, but my job as a father was to put on a happy face and let them know all will be okay, that their dad is okay. They are the best motivation and support in my life even though they have no idea that is the case. 

I filed for legal separation and will proceed with divorce. The wife must feel some guilt, as she signed off on the house and any alimony. Financially, all is well but emotionally it has been a rough journey. Time, therapy, and inner reflection has helped a great deal. I know divorce is not always the answer and I know there are people that make it through this process, but I promised myself I wouldn’t comprise. I deserve better and I deserve someone who appreciates what I have to offer.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'm not into revenge, but if you are, the best kind of revenge is to pull yourself together. This is what I did. Went to the gym and got buff, bought nice cloths and found a good woman and got remarried. My son has now decided to live with us mainly because of my ex's continued alcoholism. Yesterday we went over to my ex's house to pick up some of my son's stuff, and she was in tears. The booze and cheating finally lost her her son. He didn't even really want to hug her. He kind of did it half heatedly after she initiated it, but then pulled away. He's only 10 but he's seen this play out too many times now and he's just numb to it. I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't like to see people crying but after the umpteenth time of "I'm sorry, please give me one more chance" it gets old.


----------



## Rustic4 (Dec 13, 2017)

I am sorry you are going through that. Never easy when children are involved or when spouse has an addiction. I anappreciate your situation, but I am not looking for revenge. I only want to let people know that there is hope and that they will get through this. The best medicine is finding and fixing yourself. Only then will you be able to truly move on, find happiness, and start to love again.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Get your picker checked, and try to figure out what signals you are sending. You may be attracting the kind of women who cheat. For instance blind love is a perfect quality for those who would take advantage of it. They know you can't see their awfulness. Which makes you the perfect host to their parasitic lifestyle.

You probably would have had a better chance if you had threatened divorce right away. Hang around here and read some stories go on SurvivingInfidelity.com and do the same and you will see women don't want non assertive men. They hate that, it repulses them. They will however cheat on them, and most of the time they do. You see it over and over. Cheaters pick non assertive men because they know they will provide for their lifestyle. Again host and parasite. Decisive men end up with better women because those women respect them and it makes them feel safe. Parasites don't waste their time with men like that because they know the men can see through their bull****. They won't last long in the dating process so why waste time. They look for passive men to marry and bad boys to cheat with. 

Something to think about. 

Also you might consider reading. 

Codependency no more 
Human magnet syndrome
No more mr nice guy

Not sure if this was the welcome you were looking for but it may be the one you need.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You did the right thing divorcing #2. Proof is in the pudding while it is being eaten as she has moved in with the POSOM. Good riddance. 

Tough for you to deal with this twice. That would hammer any ego. Any advice on avoiding #3?


----------



## Rustic4 (Dec 13, 2017)

I can’t say I’m qualified to give advise based on my history, but I have learned a lot over the years. Everyone is different and everyone reaction to this stress in a unique manner. For me , I learned that I need to take time and be happy with myself first and foremost. I learned that I have the right to be picky, and dont have to settle. I learned that jumping into a relationship to help you feel better with the pain of your current situation is not a good idea. Take time to know what you really want in your life and in a spouse. I believe in commitment and marriage, and will take the time to find someone who shares my values and understands what it takes to stay married.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Welcome to the “Twice-Jilted Fraternity!” Sorry to see you going through this!

But you seem to have a firm handle on what the truth is! Please carry on!*


----------

