# Inlaws have somehow turned this on me?!?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

MIL sends WS negative texts about how I'm abusive to him cause I haven't let this go. OK... He had the ONS with a stranger when our kids were still babies, gave me HPV, lied to me for NINE years about it (And is still withholding info I believe.), had an EA with a coworker... I KNEW she would make this hell for me. I feel so trapped and depressed. I'm in no financial position to leave, they will make a divorce a total nightmare for me. She starts and he becomes negative towards me, like I'm the one that wanted this hell?!? He's turned this all around on him, very depressed. It's all about him now and who friggin cares that my world has ended?!? I'm the bad guy here?!? Anyone else go thru this crap?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> MIL sends WS negative texts about how I'm abusive to him cause I haven't let this go. OK... He had the ONS with a stranger when our kids were still babies, gave me HPV, lied to me for NINE years about it (And is still withholding info I believe.), had an EA with a coworker... I KNEW she would make this hell for me. I feel so trapped and depressed. I'm in no financial position to leave, they will make a divorce a total nightmare for me. She starts and he becomes negative towards me, like I'm the one that wanted this hell?!? He's turned this all around on him, very depressed. It's all about him now and who friggin cares that my world has ended?!? I'm the bad guy here?!? Anyone else go thru this crap?


Going through it right now! STBXH abandoned (in every sense of the word)me last year to take up residence with OW. Last summer H came to retrieve our pickup (still paying for it) and brought the OW with him. Been told no one knew she was along until they appeared at MIL's door and she let them both in. I understand letting her son in but OW?! MIL claims that she was blinsided by the whole thing, doesn't condone it and can't believe it. When I let her know that her actions then left me feeling disrespected, insulted (25 yr marriage, told me I'd always be part of the family, loved me and that I was her favorite DIL) she reduced my feelings down to 2 words, I'm mad at her. Well, no sh!t. I know after this long, I need to let go and rise above the anger and all. It's danged difficult! And according to STBXH, I pushed the in laws away! Huh? I'm really confused now!

Somehow, I've become the bad guy in this when he's the cheater, liar and manipulator. 

I really want to know what color the sky is in their world, seriously.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I feel for you, my in laws seen me at the movies with a group of family members when I was preggo with my now 2 yr old and saw me give my male cousin i hadnt seen in years a hug and told my H i was having A and that I was prolly preggo with that mans child..it was hell, eventually the truth came out that there was no other man, etc, but I never got an apology. Never have gotten along with my inlaws, but when my H had his A, they were on my side and still are its kind of strange having them be nice to me for a change, they have always been against me because of religious beliefs, both my father and my H father are preachers but from 2 different walks of faith. I hope things get better for you and maybe you should just talk to your inlaws because they may not have the full truth of the situation and if they do, forget them and worry about yourself because your H is being selfish again and wants the blame shiftd from him to you so he isnt the bad guy, do the 180 and let him think about what he may lose in being the way he is now.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

They pretty much know what he did and I'm still somehow the bad guy cause he's depressed. I'm not depressed?!? I'm holding it together for our kids, something he has not done. MIL has always been out for me. She will seriously make a divorce turn uglier than it needs to be given our kids. I feel trapped. I try the 180, but I continually slip. It's very hard.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is never a good idea to emotionally rely on the in-laws for the sad truth in most cases is that blood is thicker than water.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

He's been with me as long as he lived with her. And he knows her game. It just seems I'd be considered his family at this point?!? I think of him that way even after all this crap. I don't love him the same, but he's been a major part of my life. Truth is, if nature goes in order she'll be dead and long gone and we would have had many years left together without her around. He KNOWS how she is, so I'm perplexed why he is letting her get to him. :scratchhead:


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He should be supporting u against her malicious comments and not buying onto her crap. Though it is understandable that someone who can treat another in the way he has is also someone who will happily relinquish blame and not stand up to be a man and accept responsibility....and if someone else is backing that stance...better for him and his delusions.

I have a similar situation, though nowhere near as bad. After DD my partner spoke for me for a month or so, and then totally clammed up. Stopped talking. I wasn't blaming or nasty, just wanted to talk and understand. He started with the 'U just have to trust me now and move on', 'we have talked about this enough', 'oh no not this again', 'you just have to keep on dragging this up don't ya', he got angry, defensive and walked out for the next 6-8 months, while I went from promising I wouldn't bring it up any longer....to ditching him and telling him I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who I cannot talk to, and where there is an unmentionable subject between us. Oh...and also he gave me the odd lie throughout since DD, obviously many and plenty before, and has given me loads of 'I don't knows' and lots of slightly differing answers to the same questions.

His mum was very supportive at the beginning, then I didn't speak with her for ages, and the last 2 times I spoke with her, just recently, she was very much in the camp of 'you are dragging it up all the time; you just need to let it go; you shouldn't have to keep on talking about it; you talk once and decide if you continue or not and that is it and let it go; you just need to trust him; you are the problem'. She wasn't as explicit as that on all the points but she said some of them outright, and most of them a little vaguer than I have. She was only listening to his side I guess, he said he hadn't spoke with her for a while about it, I guess the last time was when he was throwing all that at me, all before Christmas. Which is around the time I hardened to him and became more pushy in what I needed and expected. More solid in my thoughts, and clearer in the problems and whose they were....about the time I 1st came here. I was annoyed last time I spoke with her, couldn't believe what she was coming out with. I was having to defend my actions! So I cut the conversation short. Last time me and my man spoke, I got him to call her and tell her that it was all his lies (continuous from the day we met and a few since DD) and his actions since DD that have caused this situation to drag on. And not because of me. That all I had ever done was to try and fix us. He said he called her and said that basically, I gave him the privacy to do so. It was at my house. He said that it was his lies and his fault etc. I do believe him...I think. 

My disbelief at her reactions to me and our situation? 

She is a marriage guidance counselor!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Wow! I'm so sorry. 
My MIL is definitely NOT a marriage counselor.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh, and it's also the same here at six months d-day. It's like I can't even bring it up anymore.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Cherokee, I completely understand. I was in a similar situation, but it was my father and grandmother, his mother. After all he had put us through, every single one of his children and both wives, she let him in. I felt all the same emotions. Wrote her a letter. Got nowhere. Then he turned on her and the rest of the family too! 

When your anger at him is gone, it will be easier to see. No matter who you are, he will always be her son, and he will always come 1st. No matter how much love she has for you and others. It is how it should be. And your children will always come 1st to you no matter what terrible things they do. Is how it should be. You just need to seperate the 2. And know that what she feels for him has no bearing on how she feels for you. And vise versa.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I get what you're saying Remains. 
I just don't feel she is helping our situation. Well, she's not.
You would think she'd want us to work it out since we have two kids.
She's basically blaming me for his depression.
Ya know, my parents have been totally cool to my WS.
So when I see her sending texts about how I'm abusive to him I get extremely mad.
What have I done that's abusive?!?
She's playing with his mind when he's weak.
If anything, he's got the temper and I've been cool in front of our kids in this mess. 
I did not ask for this to happen. 
He brought this onto our family. 

Oh, and I personally think our MC and IC did more harm than good. We're worse off now than we were before going?!?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Oh, and it's also the same here at six months d-day. It's like I can't even bring it up anymore.


I am sorry u are at this place. It is a hell. You have much more to lose than I did, I imagine it is more difficult as a result. But not being able to talk is a hell that is not worth living. I hope you have the strength and self belief to move this situation forward. In whichever form it takes.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Not really strong right now...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I get what you're saying Remains.
> I just don't feel she is helping our situation. Well, she's not.
> You would think she'd want us to work it out since we have two kids.
> She's basically blaming me for his depression.
> ...


No no no no Hurting ....My response was not to you. It was to Cherokees story. Purely of the MIL letting him and OW in the house. And only that. 

Of course your MIL should be supportive to you, to both of you, and she definitely should NOT be sticking her 2pence worth in. Never. And he should not be allowing her to.

And bloody hell! I have just read your post properly. Counsellors, MIL, what else do u need to make a sh*t situation 10 times worse when the should be making it better! He needs to get a grip on his mother and tell her to butt out. And he needs to do it swiftly. Ask him if he thinks she is helping. Hopefully he will answer no. If no, only 1 way to go. Him to tell her that!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Remains said:


> Cherokee, I completely understand. I was in a similar situation, but it was my father and grandmother, his mother. After all he had put us through, every single one of his children and both wives, she let him in. I felt all the same emotions. Wrote her a letter. Got nowhere. Then he turned on her and the rest of the family too!
> 
> When your anger at him is gone, it will be easier to see. No matter who you are, he will always be her son, and he will always come 1st. No matter how much love she has for you and others. It is how it should be. And your children will always come 1st to you no matter what terrible things they do. Is how it should be. You just need to seperate the 2. And know that what she feels for him has no bearing on how she feels for you. And vise versa.


I accept the parent/child dichtomy, after all we have a son and daughter (both grown). I guess that it all comes down to her apologizing, but maybe it's not warranted , just don't know. I have reached out to H's siblings and been ignored by all save one BIL. I'm trying to compile a family history for our kids and the fisrt/only grand and asked for them to contribute anecdotes from childhood, etc. That was last Dec and no response yet.

Do I apologize for feeling like I do, they are family for my children and do not want to impede any relationships on that front. That's up to the kids what they decide there.

I am trying to follow the 4 A's... Acknowledge, Accept, Admit, Apologize.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

For me it was my FIL. When I exposed my wife, I made her tell him (left him a message saying I had important news, when he returned call I gave the phone to her and she told him). But she didn't tell the whole truth, and I knew he would judge my reaction, but based on the wrong facts. She told him it was one time, a while back, when in reality it was ongoing for 3 years. I called him back and told him the whole truth. He called me a liar, and said I ruined any chance at R by exposing. I had never heard him cuss before, he dropped about 15 F bombs and was screaming at me. I just hung up. My WW called him back, told him I was right, but it didn't matter. 

I really think the parents are pissed at the WS, but can't yell at them, so they misdirect their anger at the BS.

That said, I have not spoken to him, and told my wife I will not and never want to see him until he apologizes. I don't think that will ever happen. Oh well, another hurdle for us to deal with.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

OH Im totally expecting my In laws to make this MY fault. Completely expect it. MIL doesnt like me(no loss) and Im sure I drove him to this. 

Dont let others' stupidity get to you. Keep your eyes on what you want and ignore ignorance. Let your WS deal with them. Period. You be hands off. He started this mess, its his family....let him deal with them. You need to focus on YOUR family.

Best wishes


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> They pretty much know what he did and I'm still somehow the bad guy cause he's depressed. I'm not depressed?!? I'm holding it together for our kids, something he has not done. MIL has always been out for me. She will seriously make a divorce turn uglier than it needs to be given our kids. I feel trapped. I try the 180, but I continually slip. It's very hard.


This is just another form of gaslighting and rationalization by the in laws. Ask them if you had cheated would they be so forgiving of you?

The 180 is hard but that is what will turn the advantage to you. You aren't going to be perfect but do your best and with time it will come.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> This is just another form of gaslighting and rationalization by the in laws. Ask them if you had cheated would they be so forgiving of you?
> 
> The 180 is hard but that is what will turn the advantage to you. You aren't going to be perfect but do your best and with time it will come.


Oh, if I had cheated?!? They would have kidnapped him and had him at the lawyer's office on d-day.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi

I'm also going through this right now.

I'm divorcing my husband for his abuse and infidelity and now I'm seen as the bad girl for 'giving up on my marriage' - as both stated by my husband and his in laws.

As Beowulf said, it is just their way of not looking inwards and accepting that their son's behaviour has been the main cause of the breakdown of our marriage. Also because my in laws had a terrible marriage themselves (with similar issues), they also don't want to believe that maybe their poor example of a relationship has been passed down to my husband.

It is just projection and blame, to protect themselves from feeling so badly. 

Sucks though, doesn't it  

Jen


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

jen1020 said:


> Hi
> 
> I'm also going through this right now.
> 
> ...


My husband's parents both had affairs when he was growing up. I worry how this will impact my kids in their future relationships. I don't know if I'm setting a bad example staying...


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