# sex after D & herpes



## Readytogo

I'm going to my first counselor appt tonight to talk about safely leaving my 25 year marriage. Among some other issues.

I've been sexually exclusive with my husband since I was 19. He gave me herpes at 19-(he didn't warn me beforehand). We had unprotected sex, and I got herpes. (Aides wasn’t very known back then) He even let me cry when I got back from the doc office and didn’t say anything - until I noticed he had the same pills the doc gave me! (which he called stress tabs) I was angry, but was "in lust" and forgave at 19.

27 years later, I need to file for D and think about the possibility of being with another man. Dating/relationships are scary to me. I haven't had to think about it until recently.
So - my question; How the heck will I manage discussion of herpes without scaring men away! 
Obviously I would have to have protected sex, but he should still know. Has anyone had to deal with this discussion? When do you initiate the conversation? First date, second date? Just before you decide to “do it”  talk about a romance buzz kill….
I'm 46 not 96. I would eventually like to date and be with another man. This scares me - Just wanted to get opinions/feedback.


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## Conrad

I'm a pharmacist.

There are times when you are "contagious" and there are times when you are not.

Patients tell me you can actually feel the infection coming on "in advance" of an outbreak and aggressive treatment with those blue tablets and ointment/creams can often prevent the outbreak.

Before we post further, does this track with your experience?


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## sisters359

Many people do not know when they are contagious, however, until the outbreak is visible, and by then it is too late for the other person who has been infected.

Someone close to me was in a similar position and chose to use an online dating site for people who are HSV+ after having two potential relationships fall apart upon the admission of having herpes. This person just cound not continue to have to go through that. S/he found a great partner on the site and they are now engaged.

Not everyone who is negative will refuse to date someone who is positive, but the sooner you say something, the better. Obviously b/4 becoming intimate. There is some debate on whether or not this is news to share on the first date or not. I would say that call is up to you. 

Also, there are good medications to prevent the uninfected partner from becoming infected, too, which allows the uninfected person to protect themselves proactively. Most people do not seem to know that, however.


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## that_girl

If I had herpes, I'd want to find someone who had it also.


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## Readytogo

Conrad said:


> I'm a pharmacist.
> 
> There are times when you are "contagious" and there are times when you are not.
> 
> Patients tell me you can actually feel the infection coming on "in advance" of an outbreak and aggressive treatment with those blue tablets and ointment/creams can often prevent the outbreak.
> 
> Before we post further, does this track with your experience?


Yes, I know when it is coming on. It only occures in extreme stressful times, but if I'm not stressed maybe only 2 outbreaks a year.


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## Readytogo

sisters359 said:


> Also, there are good medications to prevent the uninfected partner from becoming infected, too, which allows the uninfected person to protect themselves proactively. Most people do not seem to know that, however.


I didnt know this. Good to know when getting into a relationship. I just wouldn't want to lead a man on and then have the issue come up and then - bam..bye bye.


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## Readytogo

that_girl said:


> If I had herpes, I'd want to find someone who had it also.


yeah but how?


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## OhhShiney

that_girl said:


> If I had herpes, I'd want to find someone who had it also.


There are potentially different strains, or so I've heard.


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## donders

Conrad said:


> I'm a pharmacist.
> 
> There are times when you are "contagious" and there are times when you are not.
> 
> Patients tell me you can actually feel the infection coming on "in advance" of an outbreak and aggressive treatment with those blue tablets and ointment/creams can often prevent the outbreak.
> 
> Before we post further, does this track with your experience?


You CANNOT rely on a person's subjective symptoms to prevent the spread of the Herpes virus!

To suggest that this poster may be able to do that with future sex partners is irresponsible, especially from someone in the medical field.

Herpes can be contagious at ANY time regardless of whether a person has an outbreak or "thinks they feel that they are going to have an outbreak".


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## OhhShiney

You may want to check out this link about facts/myths about herpes, including links to resources about if you can tell if you are contagious or shedding, and how to deal with it in dating contexts. 

Herpes Resource Center - Myths vs. Facts - herpes, genital herpes, cold sores, herpes simplex, type 1, type 2, myths, facts, cold sores, toilet seats, symptoms, asymptomatic shedding, viral shedding, HIV


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## Conrad

Readytogo said:


> Yes, I know when it is coming on. It only occures in extreme stressful times, but if I'm not stressed maybe only 2 outbreaks a year.


From my patients, that seems about normal frequency.

The good news is that you aren't contagious except at those times.

It's a good subject for an open honest conversation - and you let your partner decide on the amount of protection THEY are comfortable with using.

It becomes a very proactive situation and - believe it or not - a confidence builder between the two of you.

FWIW - it's a virus that lives deep in your nerves. When you are under stress, your resistance is down and it emerges.


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## that_girl

No offense, but I wouldn't want to take a pill forever so I wouldn't catch herpes. Nor would I expect someone to take it if I had herpes.

Don't get me wrong, I feel the plight of your situation. I had HPV for a while, which was NOT fun to talk about with others.

There are dating sites specifically for people with herpes. Normal, nice, hot people who have herpes who want to date others with herpes. 

Online Dating Services For People With Herpes | Dating With Herpes.org


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## Conrad

TG,

It's not "forever". It's like taking penicillin when you feel tightness in your chest.

Same principle.

But, quite a bit more emotionally charged - as this thread will attest.




that_girl said:


> No offense, but I wouldn't want to take a pill forever so I wouldn't catch herpes. Nor would I expect someone to take it if I had herpes.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I feel the plight of your situation. I had HPV for a while, which was NOT fun to talk about with others.
> 
> There are dating sites specifically for people with herpes. Normal, nice, hot people who have herpes who want to date others with herpes.
> 
> Online Dating Services For People With Herpes | Dating With Herpes.org


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## that_girl

OhhShiney said:


> There are potentially different strains, or so I've heard.


True. However, if would never want to risk giving it to someone who is completely free of it.


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## Conrad

donders said:


> You CANNOT rely on a person's subjective symptoms to prevent the spread of the Herpes virus!
> 
> To suggest that this poster may be able to do that with future sex partners is irresponsible, especially from someone in the medical field.
> 
> Herpes can be contagious at ANY time regardless of whether a person has an outbreak or "thinks they feel that they are going to have an outbreak".


I only have the experience in my practice - and a proven track record with actual cases.

But, I'll yield to your superior experience.


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## donders

Conrad said:


> The good news is that you aren't contagious except at those times.


Please stop saying that, it's completely untrue.

From the site posted above:

_Also, due to asymptomatic viral shedding (you don't have any signs or symptoms but the virus is present on the skin), you could still be contagious even though sores are not present. _


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## Readytogo

OhhShiney said:


> There are potentially different strains, or so I've heard.


 They told me - herpes 1. So I would assume so. I've never talked to anyone about it.


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## Conrad

Readytogo said:


> They told me - herpes 1. So I would assume so. I've never talked to anyone about it.


The cases I've dealt with - like yours - go exactly as I've described.

Wild speculation here, but it's quite possible what your ex gave you started as a fever blister on someone's mouth.

I know that's not a great image, but it's all about honesty here.

If you like we can take this to private messaging. But, I'm curious if you get the sores in exactly the same place every time the virus infects you.


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## Readytogo

Regardless - when I caught it from him, he had no visible sores to speak of. He was taking pills weeks before we first had sex. So - I believe he thought he was not contageous - and still was.

I would never put my potential partner at risk - just because I didnt have symptom. it's just wrong. I believe thats what my husband did way back when. He THOUGHT because his was gone and was taking his pill, it would be okay. WRONG. He did not share this with me at the time.


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## Readytogo

OhhShiney said:


> You may want to check out this link about facts/myths about herpes, including links to resources about if you can tell if you are contagious or shedding, and how to deal with it in dating contexts.
> 
> Herpes Resource Center - Myths vs. Facts - herpes, genital herpes, cold sores, herpes simplex, type 1, type 2, myths, facts, cold sores, toilet seats, symptoms, asymptomatic shedding, viral shedding, HIV


thanks this is helpful!
Still doesnt take the emotion of having to put myself eventually out there and date etc..but something I'll need to be prepared for. Rejection is a part of life and I'll have to figure it out as I go. But being in a bad marraige for 25 more years is not worth it. I'de rather be alone than miserable.


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## Readytogo

Readytogo said:


> Regardless - when I caught it from him, he had no visible sores to speak of. He was taking pills weeks before we first had sex. So - I believe he thought he was not contageous - and still was.
> 
> I would never put my potential partner at risk - just because I didnt have symptom. it's just wrong. I believe thats what my husband did way back when. He THOUGHT because his was gone and was taking his pill, it would be okay. WRONG. He did not share this with me at the time.


ALSO- although it's been quite a few months, okay probably over a year.... Even though I've performed oral sex on him, I've never gotten herpes in my mouth. Wonder if that's because my body knows the virus is there already - after 25 years I've not had a sore in my mouth - ever.


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## Emma1981

I am so tired of the herpes stigma - considering the fact that 50% of Americans have type 1 in their teens, and 80-90% after the age of 50. Type 1 (yes those pesky cold sores), can be spread both orally and genitally. Symptoms or not, most everyone is a carrier. Not saying that people shouldn't disclose, but do you ask everyone you have kissed (including grandparents when you were a kid), if they ever had a cold sore? Even if they never had a symptom, did you ask them to get a blood test?


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## frigginlost

The ex had type 1 (cold sores) and it would always show up on her chin when she was stressed or when she was in the sun alot. She loves the sun, so our Vegas trips were a hoot! 

It never bothered me a bit, and I would still kiss her during her breakout. Of course, it was a little hard to kiss through the rubber of the full body condom I wore during these times....


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## donders

Conrad said:


> I'm a pharmacist.
> 
> There are times when you are "contagious" and there are times when you are not.
> 
> Patients tell me you can actually feel the infection coming on "in advance" of an outbreak





Conrad said:


> The good news is that you aren't contagious except at those times.





donders said:


> Please stop saying that, it's completely untrue.





Readytogo said:


> Regardless - when I caught it from him, he had no visible sores to speak of. He was taking pills weeks before we first had sex. So - I believe he thought he was not contageous - and still was.


I hate being right all the time.


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## Conrad

donders said:


> I hate being right all the time.


Nothing to worry about there


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## donders

Conrad said:


> Nothing to worry about there


Right. No worries about STDs is one of the nicer things about being in an exclusive committed relationship with a woman who is clean and who isn't cheating on me.


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## that_girl

Emma1981 said:


> I am so tired of the herpes stigma - considering the fact that 50% of Americans have type 1 in their teens, and 80-90% after the age of 50. Type 1 (yes those pesky cold sores), can be spread both orally and genitally. Symptoms or not, most everyone is a carrier. Not saying that people shouldn't disclose, but do you ask everyone you have kissed (including grandparents when you were a kid), if they ever had a cold sore? Even if they never had a symptom, did you ask them to get a blood test?


Actually, I have asked people if they got cold sores, before I kissed them. If they said yes they have, then that was it for me. Sorry...just how i roll.

As far as grandparents, I don't know. i do know that I asked my mom if she ever got them (she hadn't) before I let her kiss all over my girls. 

I've never had a cold sore, and don't want one.


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## Conrad

donders said:


> Right. No worries about STDs is one of the nicer things about being in an exclusive committed relationship with a woman who is clean and who isn't cheating on me.


I hope it stays that way.


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## Emma1981

that_girl said:


> Actually, I have asked people if they got cold sores, before I kissed them. If they said yes they have, then that was it for me. Sorry...just how i roll.
> 
> As far as grandparents, I don't know. i do know that I asked my mom if she ever got them (she hadn't) before I let her kiss all over my girls.
> 
> I've never had a cold sore, and don't want one.


50-90% of people are carriers by the age of 50, symptoms or not. Better break out the blood test as people can transmit when they are asymptomatic :\


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## cloudwithleggs

Emma1981 said:


> 50-90% of people are carriers by the age of 50, symptoms or not. Better break out the blood test as people can transmit when they are asymptomatic :\


I think people should get bloods done often, all pregnant women are screened here in the UK, so the last blood screen i had was a few years ago as my son is 2 1/2.

I was told gonorrhea was on the rise.

Wonders how much a condom can actually protect you.

I like *"that_girl"* have not had a cold sore ever and i wouldn't take the risk of getting anything, it is a hard subject to broach and i really feel for the OP.

When i start dating i will have an up to date blood screen and if my intended date ever wants to sleep with me they had better have one too.


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## OnTheRocks

I've had it for like 12 years, thru 3 relationships. It's no big deal. Try the H dating websites - mpwh.com, hwerks.com, etc. At least you know the people on the other end are being honest.


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## Readytogo

This is a good subject to bring up.


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## Readytogo

So do people that have casual sex while "just dating" and still use protection/condoms- disclose herpes??


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## OnTheRocks

If you are a person of integrity, of course you do! But, most people who are + have a story of someone who did not. 

About 60% of the US population is HSV-1+, and it's kinda hard to hide it if you are. About 20% of the US population is HSV-2+, and only about 20% of them "know" (aka admit) that they are. 

If you want to avoid "the talk", and probable regular rejection (not to mention that the rejector themselves might unknowingly already be a carrier), you should probably avoid the mainstream dating websites, or put 437737 in your ad (it's a codeword - "herpes" as spelled on a 10-key phone dial). 

There are also local meetup / support / dating groups in bigger cities. 
Herpes and HPV Groups for Dating, Social and Support

Honestly I almost feel better knowing that someone has the guts and integrity to put the information out there for possible suitors. The other options are blindly assuming someone is totally clean, asking them to do an STD screening (which would be more awkward and clinical to me than "the talk"!), or just winging it and wondering what they might not be disclosing.


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## donders

Readytogo said:


> So do people that have casual sex while "just dating" and still use protection/condoms- disclose herpes??


I don't have casual sex outside of an exclusive relationship and if I have concerns over her history I ask her to get an STD panel and I've been asked to do the same on more than one occasion, it's the responsible thing to do and there's nothing awkward about it, not in todays day and age of permanent STDs and those which cause DEATH.


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## zebulona

Why don't you find a herpes dating site or circle to join?


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## Readytogo

zebulona said:


> Why don't you find a herpes dating site or circle to join?


I'm not at that point yet. I'm still in th process of planning for divorce. But it's been on my mind and wanted to bring it up as a concern to see what others are up against.

When the time is right I will look into those sites though. Good to know and I feel better having others to talk to about it.


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## Bafuna

Im in a country where HIV is real, like 25% of adults infected and the 'normal' thing is to both go for an HIV test before engaging in sex, but of course things dont always go as expected.

Most people will just put that in their profiles and people who are also +ve or are negative and dont mind will respond. You'll be surprised how it can be a non issue even while you're being honest.


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## Houstondad

I am currently dating a girl I met on a regular online dating site. We've been on a few dates and are chemistry has been damn near perfect. So on our last date(#3), we just had dinner and she tells me she has something that she needs to tell me. She's been wanting to tell me, but just didn't know how/when. And she told me she would understand that after telling me I just took her home. 
So of course, I'm thinking the worst or something really bad. She tells me she has herpes and that she got it from her cheating ex.
I just looked at her and said thank you for telling me but I am not going to let herpes get in the way of how I feel about you. She seemed so relieved.
I have the upmost respect that she shared that with me before having sex. It told me a lot about the kind of person (honesty/integrity) she is. :smthumbup:


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## Fleur de Cactus

Houstondad said:


> I am currently dating a girl I met on a regular online dating site. We've been on a few dates and are chemistry has been damn near perfect. So on our last date(#3), we just had dinner and she tells me she has something that she needs to tell me. She's been wanting to tell me, but just didn't know how/when. And she told me she would understand that after telling me I just took her home.
> So of course, I'm thinking the worst or something really bad. She tells me she has herpes and that she got it from her cheating ex.
> I just looked at her and said thank you for telling me but I am not going to let herpes get in the way of how I feel about you. She seemed so relieved.
> I have the upmost respect that she shared that with me before having sex. It told me a lot about the kind of person (honesty/integrity) she is. :spmthumbup:


I am happy to know that finally that woman you dated founded someonel to love and accept her . It is hard to date with herpes many people see it as threating and dont want to talk to u if they know u hAve herpes. I have a friend (girl) who cannot find a date bse of this. I have good admirAtion for u too who accepted her with out judjing her. This is a true love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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