# I want out. Advice please.



## MsErin1979 (Mar 3, 2013)

Hello everyone. This is my first post, I came across this forum tonight while doing some online research.
I need advice from people going through the same thing that I am, or similar and this seems like a good place to start.
Hopefully this doesn't turn into a vent, but in either to get advice, my situation should be known 
I've been married to my husband 8 years this June, together 9. Unhappy for most of it. I have 3 beautiful children, one that I share with him.
I've been a stay at home mom the entire time. He's a workaholic/video game addict. Works long hours and then comes straight home to get in front of his computer with his head phones until he goes to bed, even on weekends. He spends no time with me or the children, no connection whatsoever, no communication, he and I have no sex life. If I want to talk to him, I have to basically e-mail him. I've even had to go as far as sending him instant messages from the same home or texting him to get his attention. It's literally that bad. I've tried multiple times to talk to him, to agree to take some time, even a few hours a week to spend some time with the family and he doesn't, his addiction is that bad.
I am a very outgoing woman. I love the outdoors, playing with my kids, just goofing off and having fun. He is the complete opposite, very serious. He does not play or spend any time with the kids, has never taken them anywhere. I have boys that want to do boy things and I am the one that takes them camping and fishing or rely on my brother to be the male figure in their life. The kids won't even go to my husband anymore if they need anything, they come straight to me. If they try to get his attention away from his games or work, he will yell at them. My children are even starting to hint that they wish it was just them and me, especially my oldest.
I've stayed because of them though. The roof over their heads and the stability.
I'm just no longer in love with him and want to start my own life with my kids.
I consider myself to be an attractive woman, I take excellent care of myself/body, I'm a young looking 33 year old with a ton of energy. I have tried to sex myself up for him, pull him away from the games, rekindle something, most of the time he doesn't even notice. He is not the type to give compliments or notice and I think it's made me bitter. I've been 100% faithful to him though, I'm not a cheater, although I really miss the attention. 
The house is always spotless and I have dinner waiting on the table each night when he gets home, although he takes it straight to the computer.
I do still think he is a decent man though, he may not give us attention, but he is not a cruel person persay. He and I have maybe only have one real fight in the 9 years of being together, but what's there to fight about if you don't talk to the person, right? 
I'm not perfect either though, I sometimes try to start fights with him, just to start something. Have a better excuse to go, I guess. But, at this point if he were to suddenly change, it wouldn't change my mind. I know that I will never have the same feelings I once had.
I'm just emotionally done. I can't imagine living like this for another 8 years and I don't want to.
I don't even know where to begin though. Should I ask for a separation until I can find a job and get on my own?


----------



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

MsErin1979 said:


> Hello everyone. This is my first post, I came across this forum tonight while doing some online research.
> I need advice from people going through the same thing that I am, or similar and this seems like a good place to start.
> Hopefully this doesn't turn into a vent, but in either to get advice, my situation should be known
> I've been married to my husband 8 years this June, together 9. Unhappy for most of it. I have 3 beautiful children, one that I share with him.
> ...



take him a date out without the kids, and explain to him what you need in marriage/all the things that you want him to change. What would happen if you take the games or the computer and put them away just to get his attention?


----------



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Also, he must be very exhausted since he works too long hours.Tell him you cant raise the kids by yourself they need a father. if you guys sit down as a family, and you and the kids tell him how you guys feel about him not involving the family, he might wake since he hearing the kids, it may his heart and realize how much he is missing out. 
good luck.


----------



## MsErin1979 (Mar 3, 2013)

I've been telling him that I am unhappy for the past 3 or so years. I've also suggested date night, one night a month of just us. He agreed to it, but that was over a year ago and the last time we went out. He doesn't like to go out, actually doesn't like to do anything. A few months ago, I got him to come to my niece's wedding with me, he sat in a corner the entire reception with a laptop. He's not physical at all, rarely shows emotion unless irritation. His parents are the same way though, separate bedrooms for 15 years. The first year together was great, so much passion, everything was new. A month after we got married, he and I both expressed regret but we just kept going. I truly think he wants out as well, otherwise I think he would have tried to make it work. The kids have also tried to talk to him, especially my oldest, who is 15. The boys are young, 7 and 10.


----------



## MsErin1979 (Mar 3, 2013)

Also, we've already talked to a family counselor. Although I had to somewhat trick him into it. Started out seeing her for my son, he and I went alone for a few months, once a week and then he quit and we never went back. This was about 2 years ago.


----------



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

MsErin1979 said:


> Hello everyone. This is my first post, I came across this forum tonight while doing some online research.
> I need advice from people going through the same thing that I am, or similar and this seems like a good place to start.
> Hopefully this doesn't turn into a vent, but in either to get advice, my situation should be known
> I've been married to my husband 8 years this June, together 9. Unhappy for most of it. I have 3 beautiful children, one that I share with him.
> ...


----------



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

Ask him if he still loves you, if he answers yes then there is still a hope that things may workout.


----------



## MsErin1979 (Mar 3, 2013)

I have before and he says he does, but I am no longer in love with him. I want a new life and I want the same for him, I also want him to be happy, even if that's with someone else that is more compatible for him.
We're basically roommates, still share the same bed, but we're miles apart in it. 
He's 28 years old, healthy and fit. I am a petite woman, attractive, sexual.. and he's not interested in sex? We've had sex I think twice in a year.
I don't believe he is having an affair though. Actually, a few people have jokingly commented about him being gay.. I've never flat out asked him. He has done a few things that have made me wonder though.


----------



## gettingout (Jan 15, 2013)

Start building up your own credit (if you don't have it) and a separate account (but don't take any assets).
Start looking for a PT or FT job - how are your job skills?
Start getting consults from a lawyer.
I'm sorry, he's not going to change.
Get out while you are young.
Your kids need a dad.
I'm in a similar spot.


----------



## mom33 (Feb 27, 2013)

I am going through something very similar except instead of video games, he drinks every day he is not working. He is a fire fighter so works 24 hours on 48 off, and those 48 off are mostly filled with drinking. We actually haven't had sex in probably 5 years. We have been living as roommates for that long as well, and even though the kids and I both have begged him to stop drinking, he still does it. I told him today I wanted out. He asked for another chance, but like you, I honestly don't want this marriage anymore. It has been too little too late and I have no more fight in me to even try. I don't love him anymore. Even if he gets better and stops drinking, I will be happy for him and happy for the kids, because he is a good dad, but I still will feel the same as I do now. You're not alone. You're still young and shouldn't have to feel miserable for even longer. It is a hard decision and one that won't be easy, and I am just starting this process off, but I feel I have to do something now or be miserable and depressed for even longer.

Oh, we have also tried counseling before, twice, but he tries to say what he thinks they want to hear and sound like such a good guy, so it isn't real. He stopped going while I continued for myself. I have on idea what we will do next as we don't have money for a divorce or to even live separately, but I can only take it one day at a time. 

Take care and feel free to write back if you need to talk.


----------



## Wendy1 (Feb 20, 2013)

mom33 said:


> I am going through something very similar except instead of video games, he drinks every day he is not working. He is a fire fighter so works 24 hours on 48 off, and those 48 off are mostly filled with drinking. We actually haven't had sex in probably 5 years. We have been living as roommates for that long as well, and even though the kids and I both have begged him to stop drinking, he still does it. I told him today I wanted out. He asked for another chance, but like you, I honestly don't want this marriage anymore. It has been too little too late and I have no more fight in me to even try. I don't love him anymore. Even if he gets better and stops drinking, I will be happy for him and happy for the kids, because he is a good dad, but I still will feel the same as I do now. You're not alone. You're still young and shouldn't have to feel miserable for even longer. It is a hard decision and one that won't be easy, and I am just starting this process off, but I feel I have to do something now or be miserable and depressed for even longer.
> 
> Oh, we have also tried counseling before, twice, but he tries to say what he thinks they want to hear and sound like such a good guy, so it isn't real. He stopped going while I continued for myself. I have on idea what we will do next as we don't have money for a divorce or to even live separately, but I can only take it one day at a time.
> 
> Take care and feel free to write back if you need to talk.


If he changes and sincerely apologies to you about actions that hurt you so much, you might your heart and mind. After all what you want is good and loving husband and dad. if he is a good person and he is not harming you or the kids physically, i would say give him few weeks to see if he makes any changes. And how sincerely he is about his promises, if he is not willing to change or not trying changing you would know. Good luck


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Was there ever a sex life before you were married? How was it right after you were married? If you answered yes to these questions, then something happened along the way that has made him behave this way. Are you withholding any details from us?

I am glad that you have remained faithful throughout this time. If there are no hidden secrets that we don't know about then let me share with you some ideas how to "wake up" your husband. These ideas are not mine but come from the blog Married Man Sex Life which has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Here are the points:
(1) Separate the bedrooms.

(2) Remove your wedding rings.

(3) Ask him to move out.

(4) Tell him that you are not in love with him anymore.

(5) Lock him 100% out of your online presence and communication devices.

(6) Have either his father or your father tell him you’re on the verge of leaving him. (Authority figure + not a “white noise” female talking)

(7) Tell him you are starting to consider sex with other men.

You can read the blog post and other entries and their entirety on this link. 

How To Fair Warning a Husband That Doesn’t Listen (Before Things Are Too Late To Fix) | Married Man Sex Life

Good luck and keep us posted.


----------



## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I understand where you are coming from on the non attention thing. My husband would rather be fishing or working on ATV's as to have to spend any time with me. Not that it would really matter if we did, because all we talk about are the kids (blended family).. I wake up and go to sleep thinking about a divorce, he is not a bad guy really, although he pouts alot and gets irritated really easy. We tried the date night as well, and all we ended up doing was going to dinner and then coming home to watch TV.. really?? My main problem is the fact that my Mom died 2 years ago and we moved in with my Dad to help him pay his house payment because he is on disability now, and has a little money from my Mom. My kids are in there late teens and 20's so no real problem there. I want out because I want to have the chance to have a life that does not involve sitting at home! I am very social and love the outdoors, and need stimulating conversation.. I only get that from my Dad... I was a single mom for 10 years and had a career and was going to school when I met him, gave all that up, and is that a long story.. lol..Anyway, I would put a plan together and get out as soon as possible to not waste anymore time, I have recently gone back to school to brush up on some of my skills, might be something you want to look into yourself! I know from experience even if you separate and try to work it out, you still end up resenting them in the end, or at least I have and they very rarely change for long.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

MsErin1979 said:


> Hello everyone. This is my first post, I came across this forum tonight while doing some online research.
> I need advice from people going through the same thing that I am, or similar and this seems like a good place to start.
> Hopefully this doesn't turn into a vent, but in either to get advice, my situation should be known
> I've been married to my husband 8 years this June, together 9. Unhappy for most of it. I have 3 beautiful children, one that I share with him.
> ...


First of all, where can I find a wife like you?

Second, I think you should separate if you can afford to. I don't think he realizes what he's doing to his marriage. He needs to be woken up and understand what he's about to lose. You have 3 children so I would urge you to try this one last time. I know you feel this way now but how do you know unless he really changes? 

I separated from my wife for 13 months. It was my decision and there were a LOT of reasons. I went NC for the first month so that we could collect ourselves and try to clear our clouded judgment. We then went to marriage counseling. I would not say our separation was successful in that while we reconciled, it was not because we had solved all our problems ... there were practical reasons as well. However, looking back it was successful in bringing about dramatic and positive changes in behavior. Even if we eventually divorce, both of us are better because of that separation. It snapped her out of her downward spiral that precipitated me leaving. She is even embarking on a whole new career as a result. 

While I placed much of the blame on her, and I still believe justifiably so, marriage counseling after separation opened my eyes. I was more culpable than I realized (of course, since I was only seeing it from my point of view.) I wasn't hearing everything that she was saying. She said that she was trying but I wasn't listening or she was communicating it in a way that I couldn't hear/understand. Not only did it snap her out of some defeating behaviors but it woke me up too. I wonder if some cold reality is needed for your husband to wake up.

If separation and marriage counseling don't do it then you can file. I would at least pay for a consultation with an attorney so that you understand the laws on legal separation and divorce.

For the sake of your kids, please give it at least this one final chance.


----------

