# Husband obsessed with Porn and Dating sites



## ejb (Nov 18, 2010)

Why is it guys seem to think porn, sex and dating sites don't hurt their wife's or partners. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years we have a beautiful boy and another bub on the way. And even after 8 years we are still having problems with porn. But recently I found a dating website with a statement 'seperated with 1 child, working away from home and looking for company in my hotel room', ok given the dating site was activated 7 months before I found it, he had recently opened it checked the status and signed up to other dating and porn sites. I have to say my biggest problem with the dating sites is that you just never know what else has been happening, I now have trust issues with my husband that I have never had before and it really hurts. 
I'm 7 months pregnant now and ok I haven't been as willing for sex as what he'd like but thats nothing new, when will he get it through his thick heads it's not all about him and his desires. He needs to stop and think about me for once! I have never been ok with porn, it's degrading and I think it degrades the integrity of the one watching it. My biggest problem with it and it's something my husband knows is that I have always had self-esteem issues about my body and I'll give him that his always been really supportive, don't get me wrong I'm not an extreamist but there's alot I'm uncomfortable about my body which stems from being raped when I was 13. Now my self-esteem issues lie with the fact that if his watching the porn then it makes me feel as though I'm not good enough, my bums too big or my boobs arn't big enough or I'm not skinny enough. 
I have always been prepared to do what he wants in the bedroom excluding a couple things, we have even made our own movie but I just feel as though the porn is giving him everything I'm not or could never be. I'd prefer him to get off over our movie at least then I know his not thinking of another woman, how am I to know his not thinking of the porn woman when we are having sex? 
His excuse is I'm a guy, we have urges, thats what guys do and there's nothing wrong with that! Am I crazy or is there not something called self control, I mean he even dose it at work, he stays away two nights a week and I always make sure he gets his booty call the night before. What is it, male insite please. I have alot of male friends and they all think his perverted and childish, are they just being friends? 
I still have allot of problems with the dating site but I guess it's just something I'll never know so there's no point worrying about it, or am I just being stupid. It just feels if he can lie about the porn and dating sites what else has he done in the last 8 years that I don't know about. I just don't know what to do anymore I have made so many changes in myself, I was never able to be seen naked infront of him or change infront of him, now I walk around naked just for him, we always had to do it under the covers as I didn't want him to judge my body, now his got a home movie and he can see everything. I feel like I've made so many changes and sacrifices when will he make some and it's only the porn and dating sites I ask him to give up is that to much.
It seems the only time we ever have and argument or fight is over sex. He always try's for it at the end of the night usually midnight when I'm exhausted after working and looking after our 4year old son, cooking and cleaning for him or when my monthly visit comes, or when I'm sick. Sorry but how much enjoyment can he really get out of it if I'm on the edge of passing out, throwing up or am in that much pain I can't lay straight. Have lost count how many times I have tried talking to him about it all, timing, porn and dating sites. It's always the same, I have urges and I'm a guy I need what I need. 
Is there something seriously wrong with me or is there something wrong with him? Help!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Being a married man with a 2nd child on the way, he should NOT be on dating sites, this is #1, he is wrong here & this needs to stop. This is outragously disrespectful to you & the children and can only lead to bad things. 

The porn I am going to be a little less nasty about. I am a wife who enjoys it myself (the softer stuff), In fact if my husband all of a sudden got religious and wanted me to quit watching it, I would have a problem ! 

Men are very visual, God created them that way, he also gave them TESTOSTERONE raging through their systems - this is what drives them to want sex, and more sex, more kinky sex, looking at naked women, their aggressive tendencies. It is what it is. Much of this is hormone related, they have levels well beyond women, it makes them almost HURT if they are not getting enough "release" sexually . You WILL NOT understand this unless you are a man. 

I understand you have some self-esteem issues, you worry about him thinking of these naked porn stars over you when he is with you. All women feel this way, this is a normal reaction, I am not trying to make light of his behaviour in the face of your pain. IN reality, even good faithful loving husbands who adore their wives, even if their wives look like MODELS --they still want to veiw MORE naked women!! I have seen threads like this on this site attesting to this fact. When he says this is a Guy thing, he really is not lying. 

He may say he will stop to put an end to the arguing or nagging - but if he is doing it only out of compulsion, belittling, he is more likely to just start HIDING it. He has to want /desire to stop himself. Great book about this battle in marraiges here: Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books: Reviews, Prices & more This book can help him understand how YOU are feeling as well as you gaining a better understanding of the male persceptive. 

Do you feel he is addicted ? Has he ever used PORN in place of you, meaning YOU wanted sex and he didn't have anything left for you cause he released it to a porn site?? If so, this is a HUge marraige NO NO. This would be very very wrong. >>> BUT it sounds to me like his sex drive is much higher than yours, you as much admitted you often feel sick , exhausted , he wants it at midnight, you are too tired, and it is not all about sex, he needs to wake up. 
So he might be feeling frsutrated and then he seeks porn as a reliever. 

At one time I hated porn, my good husband knew I hated it so he just hid it from me, I would catch him & post scriptures to the computer. He never denied me sexually , he never used it in replace of me, he is a good husband/man, and now we watch it together, so maybe you and him can find some middle ground as you muddle through this.


----------



## ejb (Nov 18, 2010)

Thank you for your extensive reply! I understand about urges and him wanting to satisfy them and that is exactly why we have made home movies together and just of me, I've have erotic photo's taken for him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use them? Ok I'm no porn star but they were erotic and certainly weren't the norm from our usual bedroom encounters. I have spoken to him on numerous occasion on how the porn makes me feel and as I've said I have made drastic changes for his benefit, increased sexual encounters from once a week or fortnight to two to three times a week, I've changed every part of me that made me uncomfortable to satisfy him, I do the dress up in his favorite outfits and even fantasy, all I'm asking him to do is at least use what we've created together instead of looking else where, at least then when we're having sex I'm not wondering if his thinking about other women. 
As for the dating sites I've gone into all that I could find in his email accounts and cancelled them and removed them from his emails. I've spoken to him about it and he seems really sorry but then I find more google searches for sites like f*ckbook and GetIton, and he says he was just looking at pic's to get his rocks off. What am I suppose to do about that? His using different user names and passwords that he wasn't using before.
His just gone to work and have left him a 7 page A4 letter for him to read, have band the computer and internet so at least I know he won't be getting up to anything tonight, but how long can you ban something like a computer and internet from a grown man with out the time old comment 'You treat me like a child!'
As for the book advice don't know how many self-help marriage guides I've read and they all say the same, every guy is different but the same they all have urges and some are just some that need to be explored, exactly the reason for the home movies and photos.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I am not sure why you would have such an issue with porn, but the dating sites are a different matter. If he is saying that he is separated and away from home etc it means he wants to be unfaithful. 

Porn use is now so ubiquitous as to be considered 'normal' amongst men, but looking for other women on a dating site is the first step to being unfaithful.


----------



## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

my guess as a guy, the only reason why he is in dating sites is because he is looking for an outlet to talk or chat his sorrows/boredom away. the issue here is not about him going to this sites and porno, i think there need to be more open communication with 1 another to understand each other better.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ejb said:


> Thank you for your extensive reply! I understand about urges and him wanting to satisfy them and that is exactly why we have made home movies together and just of me, I've have erotic photo's taken for him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use them?



Men want variety to look at!! It is the nature of their beast. My husband took those kinds of pics of me too, and a movie or 2while we was on vacation, but looking at the same thing day in day out, would be like watching the same Romantic movie over & over & over again. Even Us women wouldn't want that . 

Again, my liberal thoughts on this porn issue are for men in general, not all of them are unfaithful & intentially hurtful to their wives. 

But your man is having an obsessive tendency to want to talk to other women, dating sights, etc. He is either missing something from the relationship, some flirting maybe he wants from your end, more initiation (3 times a week is not enough for alot of guys, especially when younger), or he has some kind of addiction for attention from other women, that is fueling his ego. 

What do you think it is ,has he ever told you what he wants more from you, what he feels he is missing, if he knows himself -so he is not compelled to seek out female interaction 
online. 

I hate to even admit this , but when my sex drive went up, I thought I had an addiction, even posted on an addiction site & feeling as I did at that time, my husband was NOT flirting enough with me, my erotic mind was in OVERDRIVE. If I was single, I would have gotten myself in an awful lot of trouble. 

I even had a short stint where I made a profile on a dating site once when I was upset with my husband one morning. It only lasted 3 days & I deleted it, told him about the whole thing, it was accually a pretty enlightening experience where some man ended up counseling ME on what a beautiful marraige I had. I will never forget our conversation, I even wrote down his words to me & kept them. He was like an angel. Even though I did wrong, I learned from it. 

The attention was rather exciting, even stimulating. This was so NOT like me!! Never done anything like this in my life - very out of character - I just say this to you - as I found it almost CRAZY what a HIGH sex drive may drive you too. Your husband is probably a little out of control right now ---

BUt why is the question? Is this something new, has he always been this way ? 

Now sure how you reign him in other than ALOT of attention at home. Taking things off of him , like you already feel , can only last so long.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have dealt with this with my husband of 25 years and it is still an issue now and then. Why...I don't even know. Like you, I am open, willing, extremely adventurous (read my other posts), but it has never stopped the porn or dating sites. Like your husband, mine had put on there that he was divorced and/or single. News to me!

I've confronted him, he doesn't deny the porn, but has denied the dating sites (like I'm an idiot and I can't read). I know for a fact that nothing has happened and it probably won't, but I have yet to understand the motive. I thought it started this year, but eventually found out he set one up in 2004 (even though he's never been back to it). He doesn't pay for any of them so he can't read most of the messages (such as match.com, fling.com, etc.). In fact, when looking at the dating sites, he doesn't even go back to them after he's set them up - weird.

At this point, I tend to agree with malmale ref my husband. He has medical issues, can't work and gets bored. The more bored he gets, the more he surfs, the more occupied he is, the less he surfs.

Now don't get me wrong - I've just given up trying to figure it out now, but it threw me for a loop for several months - almost destroying my self-esteem and confidence. I lost weight, quit sleeping and ended up in counseling (which I'm still in) and on medication. But - I've come out on the other end stronger and no longer take it personally and it doesn't bother me like it used to. 

Getting rid of the internet, etc., is not going to change things - he'll just find another way to get on. The change is going to have to come from him and if he's not willing to change - then you have to decide if you can accept him as is or not.


----------



## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Porn and sex are ok ;-), dating website ok if ur single lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ejb (Nov 18, 2010)

Ok I think I've got what I need about the dating sites, I am right it is wrong and it needs to stop. 
BUT I still have the issue with the porn, I'm sorry male instinct, animal nature call it what you want, what about having enough respect for me not to do something he knows hurts me so much. I understood a long time ago this was going to be a problem for him and hence why the home movies, and I get the issue of he might get bored with the same thing all the time again hence why we have done a couple but then the question now pops up if it's so easy for him to get bored with the same old home movies we have made who's to say his not just bored with the same old me (26 isn't old is it?), and why do men keep the same old porn for years and years sometime only two or three, we've made more than that.
Malmale thank you and I think you are write, he has no friends, he goes to work and comes home, I only have 2 friends of my own and always feel guilty when I talk to them and meet up with them because he doesn't have that, his not interested in sports or social groups, he talks to people via forums and thats not enough for anyone. I've tried to get him out and meeting people but his just not interested, any suggestion on what I could try. His very intelligent and most people don't like that about him, he can play the 'I know everything card' and doesn't understand you can't be like that with people, he doesn't have very good social skills.
Obsessive I think is the problem, his had many addictions over the years including drugs (now stopped) and I think it's just his personality, he becomes addicted to ideas and opinion expressed in forums and goes on about them for months, is that normal or should he seek help?
I just feel I have always been the one to make changes for his benefit and sacrificed how I feel and who I am for him all I want is for him to make this sacrifice for me and use our movies not some other women. Sacrifice is a part of life I think Im just sick of being the only one that is prepared to make them. I would love to live the care free life as much as him but someone has to be the adult in the relationship.


----------



## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

Here is my rule about porn, DON'T HIDE IT!!! It was hard for my DH to realize that i truly don't care if he watches porn, even tho i told him many times so he always tried to hide it, but i really seriously don't care unless i'm not getting any, then i would care. we are now open about it, i know where he keeps in on the computer, we've watched it together several times...no big deal to me. Now dating sites are a different story, that is the intention to cheat, so it's so different...but porn, c'mon it's a freakin picture. if they don't watch porn they will be fantasizing about someone in there heads, probably someone you know, or a past g/f or something...i would prefer porn.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

sntdwn2ufrmhvn said:


> but porn, c'mon it's a freakin picture. if they don't watch porn they will be fantasizing about someone in there heads, probably someone you know, or a past g/f or something...i would prefer porn.


Well said.


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

jamesa said:


> Well said.


totally agree. i think it is unreasonable to expect a man not to J/O. That said he will use a visual in his head or one in front of him. If i am a women i would rather him look at someone he will likely never meet then someone he knows. 

On the other hand. I personally don't think ANY married man should visit a dating site let alone post somthing there. Others have cited bordom, addictions or whatever. I say BULLS$%*! I would be very sceptical of your husbands intentions on being fathful regardless what you may think or he may say. 

I would snoop or spy to make sure you don't wind up with a disease. I believe that some people's ability to decieve is beyond our comprehension. Your husband by his actions has lost any right to privacy. 

Good luck


----------



## ejb (Nov 18, 2010)

Ok I don't think I'm going to win this debt about porn nor are any of you really reading or understanding why I have a problem with it. Since my original thread posting I have written my husband an 8 page A4 letter outlining all issues I have dating sites, porn and the all the lies I have done this so my emotions don't get in the way and he could read them in a calm manner and go over them a few times to full understand the repercussions of his actions. We have decided to sit down and talk about it tonight. Give me strength not to fly off the handle and remain calm especially about the dating sites. I can appreciate where alot of you are coming from in relation to the porn but that is something I don't think I can ever be so understanding with, alot of you have posted emotional cheating I put the porn in that category. Thank you for all advice given and will post back when we have discussed it maybe it might give insight to someone else having the same problems. Wish me luck!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ejb said:


> in relation to the porn but that is something I don't think I can ever be so understanding with, alot of you have posted emotional cheating I put the porn in that category.


I think it would do well for all couples even thinking about getting married to make absolute sure THIS particular topic is discussed BEFORE they tie the knot, how the wife views a little porn. 

IF this IS indeed a "deal breaker" for the wife, looked upon as BADLY as trying to hook up on a dating site, either the engaged husband should find religion fast & renounce his former ways 100% (God help him , even Christian men struggle), or hope like He** that his wife is a seductress every day for the rest of his marraige (what is the chances of that ?), or he WILL inevitably start hiding, she will discover, the fighting begins & secretly lying to his wife to avoid the fights - for not undrerstanding him. This likely will not end. I say these things cause my husband is not even a high Testosterone man, he is more "self controlled" than anyone I have ever known and the most faithful and he hid it from me . 

Here is a Christian forum that is 100% AGAINST porn in every way, shape & form. If you want others to agree with you - go here -plenty of advice, the 1st thing they will tell you is he must be "born again" or he wont be able to lick it. It is very interesting to note that out of all the subjects struggled with on this sexual Christian forum, the PORN section has the hightest # of posts !

The Marriage Bed • Index page


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I'm going to say is that I'd be much more concerned about the dating sites over the porn sites. But porn addiction can be a true problem, and if it's affecting your relationship, then it needs to be dealt with somehow.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you two.

C


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

ejb said:


> alot of you have posted emotional cheating I put the porn in that category.


Then most of the men you have ever met have been emotionally unfaithful.


----------



## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

EJB,

I feel your pain about the porn.
I have a real issue with this in my marriage. It seems like we have had the same fight over and over again. I tell him why it hurts me, I tell him that our sex life suffers for it because a.) he is less interested in me because he is wasting all his energy on the computer and b.) I feel insecure about my sexual prowess when I compare myself to those women and c.) when he says he will stop and then doesn't it feels like a betrayal, and how can you be intimate with someone who continues to betray you and disrespect you? I don't want to have sex with a liar.

The last time I caught him ( just by innocently checking the browser history - looking for an article I didn't finish reading from a few days prior), I lost it. I had been going through some other turmoil in my life at the time - work & extended family issues, and was feeling quite fragile- the porn was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I gave him the ultimatum. It is either the porn or me.
I told him that until he hears it from me- porn is not allowed in our marriage unless we watch it together.
If I find out that he is doing this and disrespecting me and my feelings again- I will leave. It is not a threat - it is a promise. I told him he will come home one day and I will be gone- no note, no nothing- and he will only hear from me through a lawyer.
It sounds harsh and many people will accuse me of being uptight, but hey- it is my life and I want to be respected by my mate. I want to be the only woman he gets off to. And if I can't have that from him, I don't want to be married to him.

I don't have a problem with masturbation, I have a problem with getting sexual gratification outside of our marriage- from another woman or man. If our sex life hadn't been damaged because of it ( diminshed desire on both sides), I might not have as big of a problem with it.
But our marriage WAS affected- adversely! 

People will defend porn all day long- "all men do it"... "it's not that big of a deal" ...."you just need to check your insecurities and let your man be a man", but I am here to tell you that each person is different and each marriage is different, and if it is a big deal to you and your marriage is suffering from it -then take whatever actions you feel necessary to either get your marriage back on track or get your self esteem back on track or move on with a firm line drawn in the sand. You have to stand up for yourself. If you want him to respect your wishes, you have to have enough self respect to communicate what your deal breakers are and stick to your convictions.

I personally would be devastated about the dating sights- that is infidelity! I would have left him w/o discussion if I had discovered my H on a dating site.

I think if you two love each other and respect each other then it will all work out.

So far so good on my end...I actually joined this forum for this very reason ( porn= painful marriage). I have posted on a few other threads what I have been doing on my end that has seemed to work thus far.
Good luck. Be strong. Don't sell yourself short. You deserve to be in a happy marriage that is free of sexual dysfunction an distrust.


----------



## ataloss14 (Jan 3, 2014)

I have been with my husband for 12 years, we have 2 beautiful children and I have 2 from my previous marriage. When we first started living together I would find porn on my computer, I confronted him and he stopped ( I thought) throughout the years I have found it again but didn't say anything. For the last several months it has become a BIG problem. He watches it every night and even gets up 2 hours early in the morning to "get off" before work. We don't have sex anymore and I have tried to talk to him about it but he flat out denies it, even after I say I seen him!! Our sex life got to the point that it was just acting out his porn videos, no feeling, no emotions, no love. I am at a loss!! I don't trust him, I never thought he would lie to me and now I wonder what else he has lied to me about. I too feel insecure about myself because of the porn. How can I compare to 20 year old, perfect bodies, and willing to do ANYTHING when I am mid 40's and 4 children. I am a very outgoing person but have found myself withdrawn and losing myself because of the way he is making me feel. I am so sick and tired of hearing about how porn is OK for men because that is just how they are. If a man needs more than one mate than he should not get married, have children, and vow to 1 person. I personally don't like porn but can understand it once in awhile but not everyday!! It IS degrading to woman and most men don't and won't understand how it makes us feel. I understand how you feel. On the subject of the dating site, No freaking way would I put up with that, sounds like he is meeting up with girls and that is WAY over the line. I am very sorry for your situation and hope you figure things out. Just know there is a least one other person that feels your pain and is also at a loss for what to do.


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Some of us wish we could turn off the desire to watch porn but its very hard to do when in today's times your constantly around it. Its almost in every commercial on TV. Its in the movies and yes they use it even to sell cars. God programmed us to be attracted to sex. I struggle with porn as my wife also is against it. I can go for a while without it and then frustration and tension comes into my life and there are times I know my wife is not in the mood when I am. You can deni yourself the pleasure of a release for a while but there is porn almost at your finger tips. You want to peak you want to just take a quick look and the next thing your excited and want to take matters into your hands.

The only way I can describe it to my wife is that she a bit over weight and there are certain times of the month where she claims she needs chocolate. Has to have it. I said even though you know its not good for weight loss ? That even though you know its not good for you. you eat it anyways? I have found chocolate hidden in strange places. glove compartments, night stands, back of cabinets. Why is it hidden? 

Now lets keep the drawer full of chocolate that you must walk by every day but your forbidden to have any. Ever! Could you never sneak a piece?

Ok so you don't crave chocolate. substitute what you do crave and put it right there in plain site but dont touch it.

All I am saying is Men struggle with the desire and ranting at them and forbidding them doesn't make the desire go away. 

Think of it as trying to stop smoking but your cigarettes are right there in your pocket. 

Remember Porn is everywhere at a touch of a few buttons. Help us fight it by understanding the desire first.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

ejb said:


> BUT I still have the issue with the porn, I'm sorry male instinct, animal nature call it what you want, what about having enough respect for me not to do something he knows hurts me so much.


I get where you're coming from. Porn presents such a warped and distasteful perspective of women, it feels utterly dehumanizing to me. I can hardly believe anyone finds it sexy --it is so flat and so objectifying of women. I lost quite a bit of respect for my SO when I found out he'd been hiding it from me for 15 years.

It also strikes me as a cake-eating thing. A deliberate attempt to bring others into the relationship under the guise of innocent fun. It is, after all, so often justified as "just needing a bit of variety" or "getting what isn't available at home." This maybe makes sense when a marriage is sexless or one partner is withholding, but when I am doing my utmost to create a fulfilling sex life, and he can't be bothered because he fills his gaps with porn, it is rather like cheating lite. Technically the spouse is faithful, but their fantasies and desires are spent on someone else.

Women are often told we are "insecure" for disliking porn, but I think there are plenty of good reasons for disliking it that have nothing to do with insecurity. Where the insecurity comes from is knowing that you are not number 1 to the person you have committed everything to.

It's not just women who react this way when their SO's sexual energy is focused on someone else. Look around TAM, and you will see plenty of men upset that they don't feel like they are the number 1 priority for their wives.

IMHO, there are only a few ways to solve it: find a way to accept being treated as less than #1; convince your spouse to prioritize you properly, in the way he committed to when marrying you; or get out before the toxic atmosphere wears you down too much.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'd encourage you own your behaviour in all of this. It's not really helpful to take a pious position (I do all of this, I've made all these sacrifices...) if you want to get to a real solution. Not meaning to be rude but you need to hear it.

He may have a real addiction problem but most likely he is not getting something he needs from you and is casting about to fill that hole with attention from other women and porn. The question is what? Your body image issues are legitimate, but they are YOUR issues that he is having to deal with. He could easily say his porn issue is HIS problem and you'll have to just deal. It cuts both ways.

Do you really want to solve this problem? If so, you need own your part of it and hope that your honesty will inspire honesty in him.

Most of us fill our emotional holes with something. The trick is to fill those holes with something real.


----------



## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

If you guys are going to have any chance of making it you are going to HAVE to get to the bottom of some things. Easier said than done, but it is going to HAVE to be non judgmental. Expect it to take a very long time, with lots of talking, and very gradual trust being developed. When you begin to get a little information, expect there is lots more to be a long time coming. Don't judge. Learn.

1. First off, the dating websites are not acceptable. Period.  You HAVE to get to the bottom of this.

2. You are both going to have to get to the bottom of BOTH of your sexual fantasies. Expect this one to take a very long time. Maybe he is too embarrassed to tell you what really turns him on. I'd venture to guess that, whatever it is, it is not about the PERSON but about the ACT. And if he ever had a situation where he could be totally open about whatever that is, has a significant other that embraces it (and also starts to discover and share things about herself she might not have even been aware of before going down this road), a sense of freedom and love could develop like neither of you two have encountered.

I truly believe that if too people are very sexual, very in tune to one another, talks a lot, gradually opens up to more specific details, etc. there is a VAST amount of uncharted territory. My guess is, he doesn't know this territory even exists, and has no way to know how to even express these type of thoughts (whatever they may be). If he could BEGIN to explore and imagine a world where the person he loves more than anyone validates him, shares empathy and interest, assures him he is not a bad person and that having certain thoughts are okay, and she starts to have certain thoughts and shares them too, who knows what can happen.

I am not about to type even a HINT of the things that turn me on; it would shock most people. Nor am I about to type even a HINT of what turns my fiance on; it would shock most people. Oh my God, I can't begin to tell you how happy we are. But what I CAN say is that we were BOTH prudes when we met. Through both being very emotional and needy we gradually started to open up. Not only did we gradually start sharing things with the other that had never left our heads before, we started finding things out about ourselves we didn't even know before. Is a world possible where every single thought he has could be shared with you? Same for you. If so, that isn't the destination, it is merely the beginning.

Good luck to you.

And to repeat myself, heck I will just copy and paste: 1. First off, the dating websites are not acceptable. Period. You HAVE to get to the bottom of this.

Maybe, just MAYBE the dating websites wouldn't be an issue. There should be no logical reason for him to be looking at those when he has a significant other that will listen to EVERYTHING with love and not condemnation and is committed to exploring the time of their lives.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

While it was very kind of you to make a porn replacement for your husband half the fun is finding new material. Sorry, I think people understand what you are feeling but just think that you need to get over it. It will probably be too much for you to ask of him and will lead to him either lying, resenting you or leaving. 

May just be me but during sex with my wife I do not imagine porn stars. I tried once or twice for fun but found it to be distracting and prefer to be in the moment. During foreplay when I have more idle time I might imagine her doing some porn type thing.

I agree the dating sites most likely mean he has a tendency to cheat but not that he necessarily ever has or would physically. He maybe just wants to feel desired by other women, likes flirting, like the encounter, etc..

Most HD spouses it seems would like their partner to not only be willing to have sex but they have some need for them to be enthusiastic lovers. Where as for example if I wanted more than once a week with my wife (most weeks) she might agree but she would be somewhat unenthusiastic about it and no one wants to hear -OK I will do it but lets get it over with as fast as possible. 

I am truly sorry to hear your problems because you obviously have made much effort. Perhaps some men get hung on the looks of porn stars but I think that most feel that even though porn stars are nice to look at they would rather be with their wives and find them to be attractive and totally don't care that they are not perfect. 

I would happily replace porn with my wife any day but it would simply be too much for her to really enjoy.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

The dating sites are bad news and there is absolutely no reason for a married man to be on them. None. 

As far as porn, I'm not as worried about that. Men are visual and the enjoy the stimulation, but for the most part they aren't comparing those ladies to you. It's similar to women who read romance novels. There is a ton of graphic sex in a lot of those books and I have enjoyed reading them. It's like porn for ladies as we are mentally stimulated. I never find myself comparing Christian Grey to my H or one of the muscular, shirtless, long-haired dudes on the covers. It's just a cheap thrill. Means nothing.

But to reiterate...dating sites are BAD. That is direct interaction with real women. No, no, no!!!!!


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> but for the most part they aren't comparing those ladies to you.


Really? So why the endless litany of complaints about what she does or does not wear, what she will or will not do, how she looks, what acts she's into, etc. and so on?

From what I've seen, there's a whole lot of comparing going on.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

always_alone said:


> Really? So why the endless litany of complaints about what she does or does not wear, what she will or will not do, how she looks, what acts she's into, etc. and so on?
> 
> From what I've seen, there's a whole lot of comparing going on.


A man wishing his wife would more open sexually is not the same as comparing. If porn wasn't in the picture, he'd still be wishing sex didn't have to occur under the sheets and that she was more enthusiastic about it.

From what I've seen, there's a lot of women who wish their men were rich and castrated.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> While it was very kind of you to make a porn replacement for your husband half the fun is finding new material. Sorry, I think people understand what you are feeling but just think that you need to get over it. It will probably be too much for you to ask of him and will lead to him either lying, resenting you or leaving.


Because a woman who is doing everything in her power to sexually satisfy her spouse, including making porn for him, is on exactly the same level as a woman who can barely bring herself to once a week?

Because no matter what she does, how she acts, what she gives, she is still incapable of satisfying her man? She must condone porn or she's to be resented or dumped?

Because her needs, feelings, interests, goals are all meaningless, especially if the challenge porn use?

I really do not understand how porn has become the one thing that gets to trump absolutely everything else in a relationship, no matter what. People will defend it to the death, yet advocate dumping a spouse in a nanosecond. What's with that?


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Really? So why the endless litany of complaints about what she does or does not wear, what she will or will not do, how she looks, what acts she's into, etc. and so on?
> 
> From what I've seen, there's a whole lot of comparing going on.


I guess our perspectives differ because of our experiences. The H and I have what we feel is a very healthy sex life. We have some sort of sex pretty much daily, try lots of new stuff (some we like, some we don't) and talk openly about our fantasies. Because of that, we don't seem to have complaints about clothes, acts, etc. And if he doesn't like what I'm wearing, he's free to take it off me!

With that said, both of us still look at porn and I read trashy novels. They key is to ensure it's an enhancement and not a replacement. If he was looking at porn INSTEAD of being with me, then yes we would have a major, divorceable problem. But even with his porn usage, he is still very attracted to my middle-aged face and body, even if I'm wearing an old t-shirt and granny panties. 

Perhaps the key is to communicate until you are both on the same page? Or I'm just very, very lucky in that department.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> A man wishing his wife would more open sexually is not the same as comparing.


Not necessarily. But a lot of the expectations of sex, what counts as good sex, and how it should be done come from porn. Where, sadly, all too many are getting their sex education.

And the fact that women too are making these sorts of comparisons and judging their SO's to be lacking doesn't make it right or a smart way to conduct a relationship. 

(For the record, I don't think I've ever met a woman who wanted her man castrated!)


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

always_alone said:


> Not necessarily. But a lot of the expectations of sex, what counts as good sex, and how it should be done come from porn. Where, sadly, all too many are getting their sex education.
> 
> And the fact that women too are making these sorts of comparisons and judging their SO's to be lacking doesn't make it right or a smart way to conduct a relationship.
> 
> (For the record, I don't think I've ever met a woman who wanted her man castrated!)


I agree with you. The point I was trying to make is that you discounted an honest statement made by another poster with a generalization. Accept an honest answer for what it is. The premise that a husband is judging his wife's body based on porn images, isn't accurate for most men. I'm not defending porn, just clarifying.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> I agree with you. The point I was trying to make is that you discounted an honest statement made by another poster with a generalization. Accept an honest answer for what it is. The premise that a husband is judging his wife's body based on porn images, isn't accurate for most men. I'm not defending porn, just clarifying.


Oh, I believe that her man doesn't compare her to porn, and that she isn't comparing him either. They sound like they have something fantastic going on. 

I think the jury is still out on the numbers, though. Seems to me most of the advice for women out there is encouraging them to look and act more porny for their mates. And I rarely see anyone advising men to go out and get richer (or castrated).


----------



## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

I totally understand what you are going through. I don't mind porn per se, but I think there should be some boundaries, especially if the watching becomes obsessive or the other partner feels uncomfortable. 

I think my husband is becoming obsessed with porn. He got to where he was paying for porn movies every other night (including my birthday). 

I hated to do it, but I finally set parental controls so he couldn't access the PPV channels anymore. He was racking up the cable bills to the tune of $60-100 a month. The last thing I wanted to do was treat him like a child, but we couldn't afford to buy food.

The dating sites, while married, are a huge no-no IMHO. In October, we were 'separated' for about two weeks. I put it in quotes because we were supposed to be working on getting back together. When I came home, I discovered that he had set up several accounts on dating sites. I deleted most of them. There was one site in which I could not close the account. So I changed his description to "Lonely single guy looking for some fun. I am HIV positive, but I have low blood sugar so I can last a long time for you." I checked back and he did not have a single 'taker.' HA! 

Sometimes the small victories are what keep us going.

Anyway, I have also installed spyware on my computer that I check daily. Sad, huh? 

Anyway, I've decided that if he somehow found a way to get around the parental controls on the cable (I change the password from time to time), I am going to deduct the same amount from the bank account and set it aside along with rest of my "I'm divorcing him" savings.

Hang in there!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think a little porn is a big deal, but I do have to laugh at most mens justification of it. We all know that women have emotional needs, but we can't get them met anywhere else because then we're having an emotional affair and our men must go "alpha". Heck, based on some of the posts I've seen we can't even talk too much to our women friends because then we're having emotional affairs with them. The reason for this, we're told, is that they are just as bad as physical affairs because we're putting deposits into the wrong intimacy back. But somehow regularly getting off to other women is not making deposits into the wrong intimacy bank. Mens visual stimulation is somehow sacred and subject to it's own rules. Then we're simultaneously told that porn has nothing to do with us, but we should be open to all kinds of spicing things up that I doubt most men think of on their own. It's always entertaining to me how crazy so many men get when they think their God given right to unlimited porn and as much of any kind of sex as they want is threatened. I wonder if my hb would be ok with me spending lots of time taking care of myself to hot, young, hung like a horse studs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think a little porn is a big deal, but I do have to laugh at most mens justification of it. We all know that women have emotional needs, but we can't get them met anywhere else because then we're having an emotional affair and our men must go "alpha". Heck, based on some of the posts I've seen we can't even talk too much to our women friends because then we're having emotional affairs with them. The reason for this, we're told, is that they are just as bad as physical affairs because we're putting deposits into the wrong intimacy back. But somehow regularly getting off to other women is not making deposits into the wrong intimacy bank. Mens visual stimulation is somehow sacred and subject to it's own rules. Then we're simultaneously told that porn has nothing to do with us, but we should be open to all kinds of spicing things up that I doubt most men think of on their own. It's always entertaining to me how crazy so many men get when they think their God given right to unlimited porn and as much of any kind of sex as they want is threatened. I wonder if my hb would be ok with me spending lots of time taking care of myself to hot, young, hung like a horse studs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure he wouldn't like that. I guess you could "get him back", by cutting off sex for a while, getting some pornos of your own with these horse hung hot studs and taking care of your own pleasure.

Give him a taste of his own medicine. That way he will know how it feels to be replaced or diminished by porn!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I'm sure he wouldn't like that. I guess you could "get him back", by cutting off sex for a while, getting some pornos of your own with these horse hung hot studs and taking care of your own pleasure.
> 
> Give him a taste of his own medicine. That way he will know how it feels to be replaced or diminished by porn!


Well I have no reason to do that. We have a great sex life and have actually had the discussion regarding his needs and my needs, and both are being met. Also, I doubt he looks at much porn but if he looks at a little I don't care.
My point is that it's very difficult to get many men to engage in a real discussion about the effects/pros/cons of porn because any attempt is met with " well men are visual/it has nothing to do with you/don't be insecure". The real concerns of many women are never addressed. The arguments I see are from men that have decided they're looking at porn and that's it, and as such are looking for reasons to justify it. Women making an argument that then getting off to huge c0cks on hot men has nothing to do with the men in their lives would likely not be well received. Perhaps if there was an honest discussion where everyone was willing to listen and give there could be some resolution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I would wonder if he is seeing someone if he is that fascinated with porn and dating sites when he is gone for those two night. His excuse that he is a guy and that is what guys do is just an excuse. The reason he waits until midnight to make a move is because he has looked at enough porn and flirted with enough women he now wants you. That would make me feel like a toy.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I have no reason to do that. We have a great sex life and have actually had the discussion regarding his needs and my needs, and both are being met. Also, I doubt he looks at much porn but if he looks at a little I don't care.
> My point is that it's very difficult to get many men to engage in a real discussion about the effects/pros/cons of porn because any attempt is met with " well men are visual/it has nothing to do with you/don't be insecure". The real concerns of many women are never addressed. The arguments I see are from men that have decided they're looking at porn and that's it, and as such are looking for reasons to justify it. Women making an argument that then getting off to huge c0cks on hot men has nothing to do with the men in their lives would likely not be well received. Perhaps if there was an honest discussion where everyone was willing to listen and give there could be some resolution.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I mean a little "spice" is kinda normal. Get turned on outside the house and you want to share it with your honey. If it has to be the way it is, then I think you have a problem.

My solution was if she thought his porn was over the top, to give him a taste of his own medicine so that he could hear what she's saying. She's saying you shouldn't need to watch that much of it.

If porn is a problem, I'd set it up so that you can watch porn together, but he's not running bills up slipping in porn behind your back or dating sites.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I wonder if he thinks being on that dating site is okay will he think its okay for her to join. Because if he doesn't then he knows its not okay for him to be on it.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Syzygy said:


> I totally understand what you are going through. I don't mind porn per se, but I think there should be some boundaries, especially if the watching becomes obsessive or the other partner feels uncomfortable.
> 
> I think my husband is becoming obsessed with porn. He got to where he was paying for porn movies every other night (including my birthday).
> 
> ...


Good for you, pretty bad when you feel the need to watch them like that. When they can't control themselves on little things like that how are you suppose to trust them. 

When they become obsessed with porn it seems they put your needs on the back burner and it becomes all about them and what you are going to do for them. I hate that, there is little I want to do when I feel like his sex toy. If they developed a porn addiction often times they get where they can't get it up without a lot of help which in turn makes sex even less fun because you can't let go of it for one minute. Turns into a job keeping them hard.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thebes said:


> Good for you, pretty bad when you feel the need to watch them like that. When they can't control themselves on little things like that how are you suppose to trust them.
> 
> When they become obsessed with porn it seems they put your needs on the back burner and it becomes all about them and what you are going to do for them. I hate that, there is little I want to do when I feel like his sex toy. If they developed a porn addiction often times they get where they can't get it up without a lot of help which in turn makes sex even less fun because you can't let go of it for one minute. Turns into a job keeping them hard.


Porn obsession can lead to them having affair, but definately higher probability of not having as good of a connection or proper attention from your spouse, because their attention is to the porn.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ejb said:


> Why is it guys seem to think porn, sex and dating sites don't hurt their wife's or partners. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years we have a beautiful boy and another bub on the way. And even after 8 years we are still having problems with porn. But recently I found a dating website with a statement 'seperated with 1 child, working away from home and looking for company in my hotel room', ok given the dating site was activated 7 months before I found it, he had recently opened it checked the status and signed up to other dating and porn sites. I have to say my biggest problem with the dating sites is that you just never know what else has been happening, I now have trust issues with my husband that I have never had before and it really hurts.
> I'm 7 months pregnant now and ok I haven't been as willing for sex as what he'd like but thats nothing new, when will he get it through his thick heads it's not all about him and his desires. He needs to stop and think about me for once! I have never been ok with porn, it's degrading and I think it degrades the integrity of the one watching it. My biggest problem with it and it's something my husband knows is that I have always had self-esteem issues about my body and I'll give him that his always been really supportive, don't get me wrong I'm not an extreamist but there's alot I'm uncomfortable about my body which stems from being raped when I was 13. Now my self-esteem issues lie with the fact that if his watching the porn then it makes me feel as though I'm not good enough, my bums too big or my boobs arn't big enough or I'm not skinny enough.
> I have always been prepared to do what he wants in the bedroom excluding a couple things, we have even made our own movie but I just feel as though the porn is giving him everything I'm not or could never be. I'd prefer him to get off over our movie at least then I know his not thinking of another woman, how am I to know his not thinking of the porn woman when we are having sex?
> His excuse is I'm a guy, we have urges, thats what guys do and there's nothing wrong with that! Am I crazy or is there not something called self control, I mean he even dose it at work, he stays away two nights a week and I always make sure he gets his booty call the night before. What is it, male insite please. I have alot of male friends and they all think his perverted and childish, are they just being friends?
> ...



Sounds like he is a high sex drive HD guy and from day one?

He is going to have a high sex drive whether you have kids or not.

What is not right is him looking at dating sites. Very wrong and if he pursues thus, maybe an emotional affair EA and meeting ladies for sex. Not good, not good at all. Porn is very addictive and powerful.

Now watching porn together and doing those things together, spicing it up, could be a great thing.

If he has that high of a sex drive, find out what porn he likes, and surprise him, doing it with him often. Take care of his needs (Physical - sex).

Ummm, paying for internet porn? Really?! Serious?! Anyone with any computer aptitude, knows everything on the 'net is free.......

If you had sex and spicy sex with him often, that should get rid of the porn situation, unless he has an addiction issue.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I mean a little "spice" is kinda normal. Get turned on outside the house and you want to share it with your honey. If it has to be the way it is, then I think you have a problem.
> 
> My solution was if she thought his porn was over the top, to give him a taste of his own medicine so that he could hear what she's saying. She's saying you shouldn't need to watch that much of it.
> 
> If porn is a problem, I'd set it up so that you can watch porn together, but he's not running bills up slipping in porn behind your back or dating sites.



I can agree with a little spice being a good thing, and I probably would give him a taste of his own medicine if he did that. Because I'm petty like that  
Porn is a slippery slope. Gone are the days when you just looked at playboy, now there is unlimited porn in all kinds of sick just a click away. The ultimate irony is that porn is set up to get you addicted, because there's so much money in it. You think you're getting it for free but there's tons of viruses/spyware/advertising going on even on free sites. I have a close friend that runs a porn site.....ironically if you looked at her site and then looked at her in person you wouldn't recognize her. Everything about those sites is fake except perhaps some of the amature sites.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Sounds like he is a high sex drive HD guy and from day one?
> 
> He is going to have a high sex drive whether you have kids or not.
> 
> ...


What does spicy mean? Porn sex? So if she just had more porn sex he wouldn't look at porn? But I thought porn had nothing to do with us women? A little variety is always a good thing but "spicy" often translates to porn sex. Irony.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Give him a taste of his own medicine. That way he will know how it feels to be replaced or diminished by porn!


Ah, yes, don't get mad, get even. Good one!

He wants porn? Make sure to put your sexual energy towards fantasy of other men. He wants dating sites? Set up a profile for yourself. He wants to go out all hours or ignore you? Make some dates of your own.

Might be that he wakes up and realizes what he's losing. And if not, you're already half way to moving on.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Syzygy said:


> When I came home, I discovered that he had set up several accounts on dating sites. I deleted most of them. There was one site in which I could not close the account. So I changed his description to "Lonely single guy looking for some fun. I am HIV positive, but I have low blood sugar so I can last a long time for you." I checked back and he did not have a single 'taker.' HA!


Funny! But ouch at the same time. Maybe better to just delete him instead?


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

_"Because a woman who is doing everything in her power to sexually satisfy her spouse, including making porn for him, is on exactly the same level as a woman who can barely bring herself to once a week?"_

? those are your words not mine, I said nothing of the kind.

_"Because no matter what she does, how she acts, what she gives, she is still incapable of satisfying her man? She must condone porn or she's to be resented or dumped?"_

I doubt it. While I suppose it is possible that some men prefer porn over sex with their wives, the vast majority use it to fill in for what their wives do not really enjoy doing. 

_"Because her needs, feelings, interests, goals are all meaningless, especially if the challenge porn use?"_

No, but her needs do not outweigh his -it is a two way street.

_"I really do not understand how porn has become the one thing that gets to trump absolutely everything else in a relationship, no matter what. People will defend it to the death, yet advocate dumping a spouse in a nanosecond. What's with that?"_

Trump what? The guy watches a bit of porn. She said nothing about him neglecting her sexual needs or any way that the porn use was actually effecting her except that her pride was hurt. 

If you have a big chip on your shoulder maybe you ought to start your own thread so that you can vent properly. 

?


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Oh, I believe that her man doesn't compare her to porn, and that she isn't comparing him either. They sound like they have something fantastic going on.
> 
> I think the jury is still out on the numbers, though. Seems to me most of the advice for women out there is encouraging them to look and act more porny for their mates. And I rarely see anyone advising men to go out and get richer (or castrated).


This depends on the individual. I have certainly told men in other threads that their expectations may be to high and that they need to decide what they want and that modifying their own behavior is just as valid a solution. 

But sorry, in my opinion you only likely get one chance at life.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think a little porn is a big deal, but I do have to laugh at most mens justification of it. We all know that women have emotional needs, but we can't get them met anywhere else because then we're having an emotional affair and our men must go "alpha". Heck, based on some of the posts I've seen we can't even talk too much to our women friends because then we're having emotional affairs with them. The reason for this, we're told, is that they are just as bad as physical affairs because we're putting deposits into the wrong intimacy back. But somehow regularly getting off to other women is not making deposits into the wrong intimacy bank. Mens visual stimulation is somehow sacred and subject to it's own rules. Then we're simultaneously told that porn has nothing to do with us, but we should be open to all kinds of spicing things up that I doubt most men think of on their own. It's always entertaining to me how crazy so many men get when they think their God given right to unlimited porn and as much of any kind of sex as they want is threatened. I wonder if my hb would be ok with me spending lots of time taking care of myself to hot, young, hung like a horse studs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is the benefit of jumbling every thread you read into one compounded "male" attitude?

So you read a post where some guys says his wife is having an "emotional affair" and then another where a guy justifies his porn use..

..and then you combine them to read:

"Mens visual stimulation is somehow sacred and subject to it's own rules."

You need to learn to treat everyone as individuals. 

"I wonder if my hb would be ok with me spending lots of time taking care of myself to hot, young, hung like a horse studs."

I don't know ask you hb. I know that if my wife wanted me to engage in activities that I was not interested in I certainly would not mind if she pleased herself as long as it was just porn and not an actual affair. 

But I would give this poster the same advice -if she does not want to accept his sexual needs than maybe she should split.


----------



## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

Hi, Always,

I would have preferred to do that, but I literally could not find an 'unsub' button or something similar; plus, I was just a tad angry that I found that stuff, esp. on my computer.

I did delete one account and the site wanted to know the reason. I wrote "My wife caught me trying to cheat. I am a lying, cheating scumbag and I have to try to win her love back."


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> What is the benefit of jumbling every thread you read into one compounded "male" attitude?
> 
> So you read a post where some guys says his wife is having an "emotional affair" and then another where a guy justifies his porn use..
> 
> ...


I disagree that it's jumbling, in my mind the two are very much related. It's not a good idea to put too much intimacy into the wrong bank, period. Emotional affairs do just that, and getting off a lot to other people does the same thing. But we can't address that because men are visual; that's why I said it's sacred. Let's take genders out of it: if one is allowed to get physical needs met by someone else, one should also be allowed to get emotional needs met by someone else. But they aren't because that's an emotional affair. The argument of course is that porn isn't a real person; true enough, but you're still putting intimacy into the wrong back. But to each his own, we're all sharing our opinions here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> _"Because a woman who is doing everything in her power to sexually satisfy her spouse, including making porn for him, is on exactly the same level as a woman who can barely bring herself to once a week?"_
> 
> ? those are your words not mine, I said nothing of the kind.


No, what you said was that her porn replacement wasn't good enough, she should get over it, and if she doesn't, he will lie, resent her or leave. 

Which gives her exactly one choice: to just get over it. 



usmarriedguy said:


> _"Because her needs, feelings, interests, goals are all meaningless, especially if the challenge porn use?"_
> 
> No, but her needs do not outweigh his -it is a two way street.


I love how porn has become a "need". I get that masturbation is, but porn? One wonders how humans ever survived the stone age.



usmarriedguy said:


> Trump what? The guy watches a bit of porn.


A bit? She said he's obsessed and even does it at work. As for whether her needs are met? I doubt it if he's disappearing for days at a time.

All in all, not something I would suggest that she "just get over"


----------



## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

ejb said:


> we have made home movies together and just of me, I've have erotic photo's taken for him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't use them? Ok I'm no porn star but they were erotic and certainly weren't the norm from our usual bedroom encounters. I have spoken to him on numerous occasion on how the porn makes me feel and as I've said I have made drastic changes for his benefit, increased sexual encounters from once a week or fortnight to two to three times a week, I've changed every part of me that made me uncomfortable to satisfy him, I do the dress up in his favorite outfits and even fantasy, all I'm asking him to do is at least use what we've created together instead of looking else where, at least then when we're having sex I'm not wondering if his thinking about other women.


I could ask nothing more of my wife. Sounds like you are doing everything you can. He seems to have an issue.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> I personally don't think ANY married man should visit a dating site let alone post something there. Others have cited boredom, addictions or whatever. I say BULLS$%*! *I would be very skeptical of your husbands intentions on being faithful regardless what you may think or he may say.*
> 
> I would snoop or spy to make sure you don't wind up with a disease. *I believe that some people's ability to deceive is beyond our comprehension.* Your husband by his actions has lost any right to privacy.
> 
> Good luck


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Porn can be a huge problem, or harmless, obviously depending on the people involved and the extent, and type of use. OP is telling us for her it is a problem.

A spouse posting ads on dating sites for many people would be the end of the relationship.

Trying to goad you into pleasing him sexually while you're sick is f*cking pathetic.

To me, it sounds like the H may be a sex addict.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ejb said:


> I'm 7 months pregnant now and ok I haven't been as willing for sex as what he'd like but thats nothing new, when will he get it through his thick heads it's not all about him and his desires. He needs to stop and think about me for once!


This is part that stuck out for me. Can you make an agreement that he always comes to you first and if you turn him down it is ok to watch porn (no dating sites)? I am HD, I could do it more than once a day every day sometimes. If there is a compromise to be made, it would be for the best. I wouldn't want to be told to wait until my partner said yes before I could... do something about my situation  (I'm a girl, who watches porn BTW)


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I definitely do not condone the dating sites. Big, huge red flag there. I would look more into that because it is possible it's gone further than just the Internet. 

Now, You said that you're 7 months pregnant and aren't really up for sex. That's ok. Some women aren't during pregnancy. It's really hard to feel sexy when you've changed so much physically. 

However,you also said that it's nothing new that you're not always up for sex. Is this something that has been an issue since BEFORE you got pregnant? This does NOT justify his going onto dating sites and posting ads, but it does stand to seem reasonable that he is using porn because he is not having sex with you. Most men and many women want to feel connected with their partner through sexual contact and if you are constantly denying him, he may feel rejected and unwanted. 

If porn is an issue for you, explain to him that you would rather he watch the videos you two created together. If he cannot compromise with this and take porn out of the picture, YOU have to decide if you are ok with that or not. Is it a deal breaker that he watch porn? Compromise has to happen somewhere though and it can't just be you nor can it just be him. You have to either have more sex with him and the porn is gone, or he can use porn and you can continue to keep up with once a week. 

BTW, my H has a real issue with porn. He had to give it up 100% on his own. I couldn't make that decision for him. He knew it was warping his sexual desires. Under normal circumstances, men can view porn without issues as long as both partners agree that it's ok in the relationship. Personal preferences on these issues should be discussed before marriage or compromises you may not like will come later down the road. 

For now, you have to decide what you want for yourself and your children. 

Good luck


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Years ago, my husband was on a swinger website. I asked him about it and he said he was curious. I looked for evidence of cheating. Didn't find them. Because he had a secret email account and he did meet up with people.

Do not rug sweep this. It is a huge red flag. In hindsight, I would have told them having a profile on a dating website is grounds for splitting up. I was 28 then and 37 now and man do I wish I resized the significance of that behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

_"It's not a good idea to put too much intimacy into the wrong bank, period. Emotional affairs do just that, and getting off a lot to other people does the same thing. But we can't address that because men are visual; that's why I said it's sacred."_ 


I disagree. I have been with my wife for 15 years and I love her more than ever. My visual needs are not sacred and I would much prefer my wife but she is not interested.

_"Let's take genders out of it: if one is allowed to get physical needs met by someone else, one should also be allowed to get emotional needs met by someone else."_ 

In most marriages (unless they are open) spouses are not allowed to have their physical needs met by others. Emotional needs are often met by others, -children, family and friends. 

I think that you are making a lot of incorrect judgments about how and why men use porn. The vast majority do not have some sort of emotional attachment.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

_"Which gives her exactly one choice: to just get over it.'"_

No, she can kick him out, she can keep fighting this same fight, or she can accept that he has needs that she is not interested in meeting. 


_"I love how porn has become a "need". I get that masturbation is, but porn? One wonders how humans ever survived the stone age."_

Porn is not the need, -the big O is the need. 

_"A bit? She said he's obsessed and even does it at work. As for whether her needs are met? I doubt it if he's disappearing for days at a time.

All in all, not something I would suggest that she "just get""_

He does not disappear -(unless I missed a post), he is away from home 2 days a week for (work?) I do agree however that the office is not an appropriate place to do anything but work -but if he is self-employed his time and activities are his own business as long as it is not effecting business. 

But I was referring only to her offense of his use of porn when I advised that she should get over it.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

To the original poster... How would you like your husband to handle his sexual desire? Just because YOU don't desire sex, doesnt mean he does not.

I'd love to hear his side of the story.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> No, she can kick him out, she can keep fighting this same fight, or she can accept that he has needs that she is not interested in meeting.


According to her, she is trying to meet his needs. She has sex with him, and she even gave him porn for when she doesn't want sex.

But that's not good enough because "half the fun is new material".
And of course he needs that, right?



usmarriedguy said:


> Porn is not the need, -the big O is the need.


But she has sex with him, and gave him porn for when she isn't. Clearly, this isn't just about the O. It's about new material, new girls, new thrills.

You're keen to assume she's depriving him, and he's just having some fun. But given that he's also on dating sites, I suspect it's a pattern. Or his "needs" are rather selfish and entitled, and give little respect to her. Either way, I'd certainly be thinking about dumping his a$$ if I were her.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"I'm 7 months pregnant now and ok I haven't been as willing for sex as what he'd like"


"Clearly, this isn't just about the O. It's about new material, new girls, new thrills"

OK, I'll give you that. 
-But really watching the same movie over and over again, no matter how awesome the porn star is, would be extraordinarily boring. 

"I'd certainly be thinking about dumping his a$$ if I were her"

That is certainly an option. I was not excusing his activity on dating sites, I was only pointing out that it is not evidence of physical infidelity although as I said it probably shows he has a tendency toward that (but then most guys do but that does not mean that we all cheat).


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

OP hasn't been back since 2010.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Wow. Heck of a zombie thread!


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Duh, I did not notice. I wish people would not pull up these old threads.


----------



## Debi43 (Oct 4, 2015)

I think it's the filth that gets them excited, I see normal porn has expanded to freakier and freakier sex. It's the unknown. I dated a man obsessed with dating sites, and porn, I finally had to leave. The more I tried to control it, the worse he was. I still miss him at times, but not enough to tolerate his disrespect.


----------



## Debi43 (Oct 4, 2015)

Accipiter777 said:


> To the original poster... How would you like your husband to handle his sexual desire? Just because YOU don't desire sex, doesnt mean he does not.
> 
> I'd love to hear his side of the story.


Maybe she'd be interested in sex with him, if he were interested in sex with "her" I was ready anytime, my ex still obsessed over porn and those fake women on dating sites. I'll never go back, and believe, he's tried to get me back. >


----------



## sandyj (Mar 19, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Being a married man with a 2nd child on the way, he should NOT be on dating sites, this is #1, he is wrong here & this needs to stop. This is outragously disrespectful to you & the children and can only lead to bad things.
> 
> The porn I am going to be a little less nasty about. I am a wife who enjoys it myself (the softer stuff), In fact if my husband all of a sudden got religious and wanted me to quit watching it, I would have a problem !
> 
> ...


I have had similar experiences. Personally, Porn is ridiculous and has unrealistic expectations. I use to laugh at it because of how fake it is. I have a husband who sneaks and lies . He closes up the lap top when I enter the room, his name is attached to nearly every porn site out there. He downloads videos of mothers and sons, sisters and brothers and so on. Any thing with women masturbation and lesbians( which are not real lesbians because real lesbians don't put a show on for men). Anyway, he twists things back to me saying that I am the freak. I saw his name and email on a 13 and under site and another 13 plus site. Teens masturbating and trash like that. He gets extremely angry if I mention porn or anything humorous towards it. He gets angry when I mention the name of the sites that I know he is listed on. I have picked up his nasty semen stained underpants he hid under the bed and the list goes on. He has emphysema, and is an amputee and I feel pity for him or I would probably kill him. I don't care what he watches but don't twist it around on me . He was also accused of forcing his sister into sex at a very young age. Of course, he denies that . I am just waiting for a cheap place and I am out of here.


----------

