# Unfulfilled



## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Here goes . . . I've been married for 15 years. We've gone through our sexual ups and downs like any couple. I was the W that H's complained about. Didn't initiate, made excuses, always too tired . . . I was that person. He wasn't great about it, he made his own mistakes, but now something's happened. I'm the one that isn't fulfilled. I could basically have sex daily. (and for you men that are like, wait, stop what happened, i want my wife to have that problem . . . all i can say is Fifty Shades of Grey). I've done things in the past month that i never thought i would do and considering more. My husband is of course very happy. He says it's like being married to a different woman. So this is all great a dandy. But now i realize that I HATE SEX WITH MY H!! It starts off fine, i end up frustrated, angry and sometimes crying. He almost never takes the time to pleasure me, and we are done in 10 minutes. It's the definition of Wham Bam thank you Ma'am. He has never been good at stamina, and in the past if i am truthful, that worked for me, because i just wanted to get it over with. Now, I'm like damn, what am i gonna do now! I'm really sensitive to his needs, and i don't want to make him feel bad. Seriously, telling a husband that he doesn't do it for you is not a great conversation to have. I don't want to bring him down, (its quite the opposite obviously). So i have tried humor. We had this conversation where we spoke about my orgasms, and i told him quite honestly that he finds release 100% of the time, where i'm more like at 20% (i was being generous). He said with all seriousness he'll try for 50%! REALLY. And i said so, I said really, wow. That's how much you think of my pleasure, and he laughed at himself saying well at least it's an improvement. Since that talk, i think the percentage has actually gone down. I guess my question to the women is, are all men this selfish??? Do your H's care about your pleasure? Or do these men only exist in romance novels? And to the men: honestly, do you care? Have you always? Does the partner matter? Do i basically have to say HEY GIVE ME A FREAKING ORGASM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?? I am wrong to expect that my H actually wants to pleasure me?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Mine started caring when I told him if I did not get of first he did not get off. I explained it like this

Imagine going to bed each night with blue balls. Eventually you are gonna stop initiating or participating because you are in pain and aggrivated when it is over.

I now get an "O" at least 90% of the time....the other 10% is because I cannot get there or I just want a quickie.

Maybe you can give him a 10 minute hand job and then say sorry I am tired and roll over. He will get the point eventually.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Ina,
Glad to hear that you have experienced a sexual awakening. I'm sorry to hear that you have now been presented with a brand new problem. This one can be a bit tricky. You go along for years wishing that he would hurry up and get things over with and that is what he is now conditioned for. This is how he sees sex with you. You have never wanted/needed more in the past so why should you want/need more now? Obviously, this is not the case....but your husband likely doesn't know that. Ask yourself, is your husband truly selfish *or* is he just doing what he has always done, albeit at an increased frequency and vigor? While I understand that a conversation like this would be hard to have, communication is going to be the key if you want improvement. Don't be too hard on him because he didn't pick up on your humorous attempts and broaching the subject. You are going to have to be more direct.
Pick a time where you know that you and he will be able to spend some time talking. Do this outside of the bedroom and NOT immediately after you have had another disappointing sexual experience.

"Honey, I know recently my sexuality has "come alive". In the past, I really haven't wanted or needed the experience the way I do now. But my newfound interest has brought to light a couple of things that I want to talk about."

Then gently bring up the subject that you want to take full advantage of your new interest and explore sex to its fullest. The same way that things have now changed for you, this means that its not business as usual for him either. Lay out your expectations in a clear, non-accusatory manner. I think that with clear and open communications about your new needs, your husband might surprise you with his response.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

He may not be able to get you off PIV but that doesn't preclude getting you off in other ways. As a man I just assume my partner is expecting to orgasm during sex. There are times that she doesn't think it's going to happen and lets me know but barring that it's a given.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Yeah, does it HAVE to be PIV?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Start taking ownership of your own orgasm, then. Bring a vibrator to bed with you. Don't let him orgasm before you do. Start taking control of the situation, and stop letting it happen. You've spent however many years encouraging him to just get it over with, now it's time to work at making it better. 

C


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

So now the tables have turned. You have already trained him to "get it over with" and now you would like him to take his time and be a much more considerate lover. You are coming into your own sexual awakening and he is not there with you. I'm not surprised. For years you were unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment and rejected him and used excuses to avoid intimacy. Now you wish him to be concerned about yours(?) This is going to take some time as he may be wondering why he should care after all the years of sexual denial he lived with. This is a situation that is not probably not going to be solved overnight as it took a long time to create it. 

My advice is to keep having conversations about it and be blunt and forward (with a smile on your face). Ask for orgasms from oral stimulation before PIV. Change positions during lovemaking to slow down the/his process. Up his desire for sex by giving him surprise Hj's or Bj's before he goes to work etc. You may also find that this increases his stamina/staying power for later in the day.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> So now the tables have turned. You have already trained him to "get it over with" and now you would like him to take his time and be a much more considerate lover. You are coming into your own sexual awakening and he is not there with you. I'm not surprised. For years you were unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment and rejected him and used excuses to avoid intimacy. Now you wish him to be concerned about yours(?) This is going to take some time as he may be wondering why he should care after all the years of sexual denial he lived with. This is a situation that is not probably not going to be solved overnight as it took a long time to create it.
> 
> My advice is to keep having conversations about it and be blunt and forward (with a smile on your face). Ask for orgasms from oral stimulation before PIV. Change positions during lovemaking to slow down the/his process. Up his desire for sex by giving him surprise Hj's or Bj's before he goes to work etc. You may also find that this increases his stamina/staying power for later in the day.


THIS :iagree:

Plus maybe you should apologixe to him for both treating him this way in the past AND training him to be this way.

I must say I am shocked at your indignation.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

was you always unfulfilled with sex with your husband (even when you were dating) or has it been since your sexual awakening?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Toffer said:


> THIS :iagree:
> 
> Plus maybe you should apologixe to him for both treating him this way in the past AND training him to be this way.
> 
> I must say I am shocked at your indignation.


Me too. After years of conditioning, your husband got pretty good at getting in and out quickly before your awakening. Now you are going to have to have A LOT of patience with him. Instead of telling him that he doesn't do it for you, you should apologize to him for training him to be a sexual sprinter, and that the two of you both need to practice how to be better at love making.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hello Ina, i'm on the same page with you re: a sexual re-awakening from those 50 Shades books, which I absolutely loved and read the first two again after finishing the 3rd. I loved the sex in those books and I loved the love story. Those books made me want more from my sex life. I went from indifferent to wanting hot sex. Like you, I probably orgasm (from clitoral stimulation only) less than 20% of the time. I never really cared. Now I do care and want more orgasms. OK - I don't have to go 1 for 1 with my husband, but 50% would be an improvement.

As far as all the years gone by that I didn't show an inclination for sex and now I'm interested, I never turned my husband down (we have sex 2-3X/week) and I did initiate maybe 1/3 of the time.

Now I'm initiating more. A few days ago, when I was kissing my husband, then rubbed his balls and started giving him a hand job, after a while I got no response from him. He didn't touch me or kiss me back but just laid there while I did my thing. After about 10 minutes I stopped. 

I realized then and there that this is what I've been like for decades. ALthough I would reciprocate many times. Many more times I didn't and that is what it feels like to have a partner not into sex.

My husband usually isn't like that though and usually wants sex. I have come to the same feeling as you that my husband really isn't a great lover. He's got a lot to learn about oral sex, which I can come, but it's usually frustrating getting there.

These are the steps I have taken to try to turn things around for me.

I continued reading more books like those and have discovered Cherise Sinclair. They continuously keep me horny and wanting better sex.

I bought the bought Fifty Shades of Pleasure (on my Kindle) and read it and asked my husband to read, which he hasn't.

I've bought other books, like how to give a better blow job and hot tips in bed. My husband knows I have these books. I figured if I'm willing to learn how to give a better BJ, he can learn new things too. He said I didn't need that BJ book because he can't imagine feeling any better. yahoo for me. what about me now? but it's a segway into him hopefully reading books.

Back in May I told him I wanted to try anal sex, which I discovered I really like. I don't have any orgasms from it, but I think it feels really good.

Like you, I didn't care how long sex lasted (he has premature ejaculation) because I never cared. Now I'd like us to deal with this problem.

I also need to deal with the fact that my orgasms don't seem to matter. Or not that they don't matter but that he orgasm's 80% more than me and I want to approach some equality here.

A few months ago, I told my husband that I wanted to get a vibrator to use on me while we have sex. I never did that, but maybe I will, although with the premature ejaculation problem, I'll need more than a few seconds to a few minutes to reach an orgasm.

Starting about 2 years ago, we've gone to a couples only hotel about once/year (difficult when you have 3 young kids). The place is made for sex - fireplace, hot tubs, pool, porn on TV. So it's a weekend of all sex all the time. Maybe that a good place to start. I was still low drive when we went for the first time, but planned the whole weekend. Looking back now, I remember I didn't orgasm once - I think I was just happy to be away and be together. My husband tried, but I couldn't come (he's way too rough on my clitoris sometimes that I just go numb - I need to speak up more). At the time, it didn't bother me at all. In retrospect, I can't believe he probably orgasmed over a dozen times in 2 days and I didn't. But, my point is, it's a great kind of vacation where all you're focusing on is sex.

One time, he stuck his finger in my behind while having regular sex, and that was probably the best it felt. I told him this - not sure why he won't do it again. As part of my new boldness and confidence plan (in my head only at this time), I'm going to tell him that I want that more.

I've learned a lot here, and one main thing I learned is that if your husband isn't pleasing you, then it's our own fault for not speaking up and asking for more.

I'm real real shy about speaking up, but I have something like this planned out to say, "I'd like us to experiment with new ways of you touching me with your finger and tongue and maybe some toys..." I'll see how that goes, since other small comments from me have fallen on deaf ears, but I have learned here that that is not an excuse not to push the matter.

It seems like your husband still wants to have sex with you, and now that you want to have sex with him, then there must be a way to turn this into a sexually fulfilling situation. The potential must be there, and it seems like it will be so darn rewarding if we can turn our husbands into a great lovers.

Now wouldn't that be a great thread from you or me to write one day. how we did it and how awesome it is now.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I appreciate the responses and i can take responsibility for my role in the past. I have to get over my initial defensiveness to really hear what you all have to say. And after reading my post, yeah i guess i am indignant. And yes, i am not totally being fair. When we met, we had sex all the time. As a young woman, I was not that in tune to my own sexual needs, so his neglect wasn't that relevant. Sex with my H has never been earth shattering, but that wasn't why i chose him. He can be what i need in many other areas i value. So with the sex, I was there to please him, and that pleased me. What we had was satisfying both of us at the time. Then we had kids, and well I went through what many women go through. It's no excuse, it just is. I neglected being a wife at times and still wasn't in tune to my needs and my body. I will say this, i worked at it. His happiness in the bedroom was important to me. I took care of myself, i had sex when i really didn't want to, and i listened to his needs/suggestions. Talking about that has never been an issue. I'm not bad with communication, and i can take criticism, it's giving it that i find difficult. Even before my "awakening" our sex life had improved (in terms of frequency and his satisfaction. He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly. I'm reading on what i can do to help him along. I guess sometimes i feel like it's just me doing the work, but I guess i've played a part in that too.

I can see how it is unfair for me to expect that he be different because i am different. And i can also see where i need to take more control of my needs. That part is still not easy. I needed a reality check on my expectation, so thanks.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Ina said:


> I can see how it is unfair for me to expect that he be different because i am different. And i can also see where i need to take more control of my needs. That part is still not easy. I needed a reality check on my expectation, so thanks.


It is not unfair to expect that he be different. We all change and need different things.

What is unfair is to expect him to change without any guidance, or that he do so in a mere month. I hope you calling him selfish after your treatment and training of him is just your frustration talking. This is a problem a long time in the making (much of which is on you), so it will take some time to correct.

Figure out your body and what you need from him. Be clear that as you have aged and changed, your needs have changed as well. You don't have to dwell on him not being any good in the past, but rather point out that what you need now is different. Let him know that you recognize that he has no way to know this, so you want to work together on it.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

So again, does it have to be PIV or not? You mentioned his stamina, but can he, well, WOULD you be pleased with his mouth?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You said "He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly."

What did you do about his honest expression of how he felt inadequate? Was this during your time of "get it over with"? 

What would you like to do for him now that you know that? This was a difficult admission for him. 

Also there are plenty of ways to use constructive criticism. Telling him how to be better instead of telling him how he's not good enough.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> So again, does it have to be PIV or not? You mentioned his stamina, but can he, well, WOULD you be pleased with his mouth?


I would. I'm not picky about the how. I don't think he enjoys it though.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Or could it be you're trying to make a book on fantasy become reality?

Just a thought.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Ina said:


> I would. I'm not picky about the how. I don't think he enjoys it though.


"Think?"

Find out!

He should be able to do that at least for you, and it would solve a lot of problems since you do like it for the time being during his "retraining."

Find out and go enjoy yourself some cunnilingus... Teach him how, let him know what you like while he does it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Ina, based on how you speak about your husband (sexually aside) it seems like he's an attentive husband. Do you really think he wouldn't be an attentive lover?

You NEED to change your perceptions, both for yourself and also to get the most out of your husband.

1. If you're husband lasts 10 minutes (as in a literal 10 minutes), he's not low on stamina, he's actually pretty normal. Normal is 10-15 minutes. And this is WITH being conditioned to be quick. But your focus on PIV sex is being focused on improperly. You could have a 30 minute to 1 hour mind blowing session with only 10 minutes of it being PIV.

2. Address the issue YOU are having with your husband. BUT TAKE OWNERSHIP and assign ZERO blame. You've changed, you're asking to change the rules and how the game is played. This is ALL you. So when you speak with him, speak from a "Me" stand point. Everything is "Me". Such as. "Honey, can we talk about our sex lives together?" "I know I haven't been the most adventurous wife in the bed and we had settled into a very routine sex life. Well I'm starting to crave not being so routine as a lover for you. Reading 50 shades really lit a spark in me that I'm hoping you want to help fan into a fire" (Obviously the wording here is taking more of a romance novel flare, LOL but I think you get the idea). Make him pleasing you something he WANTS to do.

Start in stages. Like have "oral night". See if he's open to it. Only oral sex. You can do this a few times "oral night" "hand night" "Masturbation night where you both masturbate for the other (PS the benefit on this one is you get to learn your body to be more vocal to your husband about what and when you need things).

Then go to a sex shop. Watch some porn together. Start building your sex life WITH each other.

Just don't COMPLAIN and expect a change. Change for improvement is like growing a plant. It takes work and effort and at first may not seem like anything is happening but its growing, just underground.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> You said "He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly."
> 
> What did you do about his honest expression of how he felt inadequate? Was this during your time of "get it over with"?
> 
> ...


I've never told him he wasn't good enough, quite the opposite. My honest expression was to reassure him that i was satisfied and that he was not inadequate (regardless of whether it was true or not - and yes i see the problem with this already but it's what i did). I didn't dismiss it, but i didn't know what to do either. i just didn't want him to feel bad about it. I'm learning more about what i can do to help now. Increasing frequency has helped a bit. What i'd like him to do is look into how he can prolong sexual activity along with me and for us to try stuff out. I'm just figuring how to have the talk . . . these posts are helping me frame it.


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

what goes around comes around!!!!!


all the years you were indifferent to sex and embarrassed/inhibited to truly let your lover know you. are comming back to bit you in the a$$

with that said just tell him and show him what you like. if he balks or act selfish just tell him the sex is on hold until he wants to be a generous giving lover. you might want to apoligise for the first part of your marriage being as you didn't seem to care about his needs and how wrong that is!


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## Daneosaurus (Dec 2, 2012)

Ina said:


> Here goes . . . I've been married for 15 years. We've gone through our sexual ups and downs like any couple. I was the W that H's complained about. Didn't initiate, made excuses, always too tired . . . I was that person. He wasn't great about it, he made his own mistakes, but now something's happened. I'm the one that isn't fulfilled. I could basically have sex daily. (and for you men that are like, wait, stop what happened, i want my wife to have that problem . . . all i can say is Fifty Shades of Grey). I've done things in the past month that i never thought i would do and considering more. My husband is of course very happy. He says it's like being married to a different woman. So this is all great a dandy. But now i realize that I HATE SEX WITH MY H!! It starts off fine, i end up frustrated, angry and sometimes crying. He almost never takes the time to pleasure me, and we are done in 10 minutes. It's the definition of Wham Bam thank you Ma'am. He has never been good at stamina, and in the past if i am truthful, that worked for me, because i just wanted to get it over with. Now, I'm like damn, what am i gonna do now! I'm really sensitive to his needs, and i don't want to make him feel bad. Seriously, telling a husband that he doesn't do it for you is not a great conversation to have. I don't want to bring him down, (its quite the opposite obviously). So i have tried humor. We had this conversation where we spoke about my orgasms, and i told him quite honestly that he finds release 100% of the time, where i'm more like at 20% (i was being generous). He said with all seriousness he'll try for 50%! REALLY. And i said so, I said really, wow. That's how much you think of my pleasure, and he laughed at himself saying well at least it's an improvement. Since that talk, i think the percentage has actually gone down. I guess my question to the women is, are all men this selfish??? Do your H's care about your pleasure? Or do these men only exist in romance novels? And to the men: honestly, do you care? Have you always? Does the partner matter? Do i basically have to say HEY GIVE ME A FREAKING ORGASM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?? I am wrong to expect that my H actually wants to pleasure me?


My wife found 50 Shades very erotic, albeit unrealistic (An orgasm from just looking at her? I mean, COME THE EFF ON...). She isn't interested in being dominated. 

Any who, tell your husband to get you off, first, AND THEN it's his turn. Have him read "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. It's a guide on cunnilingus. It's excellent. Tell him you getting off first will make you more amorous and more excited to do what he wants. 

For me: I care. I care, a lot. Fortunately, my wife is very orgasmic, and I am known to last too long (not anorgasmia, but for whatever reason, I just have stamina.) Sometimes, she just can't get in the mood to come. Sometimes, I can't come. IMO, as long as everyone is having fun, I don't care if I do.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

Ina said:


> I've been married for 15 years. We've gone through our sexual ups and downs like any couple. I was the W that H's complained about. Didn't initiate, made excuses, always too tired . . . I was that person.


You sound very selfish right now from my perspective...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Ina said:


> I've never told him he wasn't good enough, quite the opposite. My honest expression was to reassure him that i was satisfied and that he was not inadequate (regardless of whether it was true or not - and yes i see the problem with this already but it's what i did). I didn't dismiss it, but i didn't know what to do either. i just didn't want him to feel bad about it. I'm learning more about what i can do to help now. Increasing frequency has helped a bit. What i'd like him to do is look into how he can prolong sexual activity along with me and for us to try stuff out. I'm just figuring how to have the talk . . . these posts are helping me frame it.


Ina, with all respect. Why are you focusing on the stamina?!?! How long he lasts is VERY low on what you ACTUALLY need. So if he lasted 25 minutes, what would you have. 15 EXTRA minutes of unfulfilling sex.....

You could be doing so many other things, oral, toys, light bondage, tickling, body play etc. I mean the list is endless. PIV is like icing on a cake.

How do you orgasm? PIV orgasm? Clit? Combination? THAT is where you should focus.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Make a deal with him, you get yours first, oral or vibe, (or both), and then he gets his. Tell him your hormones have changed with age and your needs are different. 

I found 50 Shades unrealistic; they had no whiny kids, they were always well rested, no bills to worry about, no arguements. It is erotica, but like most erotica it is fantasy. Good to get a charge out of, but not real.


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## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

I can really relate to your post and the issues you have outlined... I feel like I have caused some similar issues in my own marriage. Also wondering how to dig myself out of this as well!?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Ina said:


> Here goes . . . I've been married for 15 years. We've gone through our sexual ups and downs like any couple. I was the W that H's complained about. Didn't initiate, made excuses, always too tired . . . I was that person. He wasn't great about it, he made his own mistakes, but now something's happened. I'm the one that isn't fulfilled. I could basically have sex daily. (and for you men that are like, wait, stop what happened, i want my wife to have that problem . . . all i can say is Fifty Shades of Grey). I've done things in the past month that i never thought i would do and considering more. My husband is of course very happy. He says it's like being married to a different woman. So this is all great a dandy. But now i realize that *I HATE SEX WITH MY H!! It starts off fine, i end up frustrated, angry and sometimes crying. He almost never takes the time to pleasure me, and we are done in 10 minutes. It's the definition of Wham Bam thank you Ma'am. *He has never been good at stamina, and in the past if i am truthful, that worked for me, because i just wanted to get it over with. Now, I'm like damn, what am i gonna do now! I'm really sensitive to his needs, and i don't want to make him feel bad. Seriously, telling a husband that he doesn't do it for you is not a great conversation to have. I don't want to bring him down, (its quite the opposite obviously). So i have tried humor. We had this conversation where we spoke about my orgasms, and i told him quite honestly that he finds release 100% of the time, where i'm more like at 20% (i was being generous). He said with all seriousness he'll try for 50%! REALLY. And i said so, I said really, wow. That's how much you think of my pleasure, and he laughed at himself saying well at least it's an improvement. Since that talk, i think the percentage has actually gone down. I guess my question to the women is, are all men this selfish??? Do your H's care about your pleasure? Or do these men only exist in romance novels? And to the men: honestly, do you care? Have you always? Does the partner matter? Do i basically have to say HEY GIVE ME A FREAKING ORGASM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?? I am wrong to expect that my H actually wants to pleasure me?


A couple of days ago I overheard my wife criticising me to her sister because I spent 3 hours trying to get her to orgasm, which included a solid hour of PIV sex, not to mention the oral and vibrator....Something I would be willing to do every day....

That is the great conundrum of SEX.....One womans extacy is anothers annoyance.......Go figure :scratchhead:


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> So now the tables have turned. You have already trained him to "get it over with" and now you would like him to take his time and be a much more considerate lover. You are coming into your own sexual awakening and he is not there with you. I'm not surprised. For years you were unconcerned with his sexual fulfillment and rejected him and used excuses to avoid intimacy. Now you wish him to be concerned about yours(?) This is going to take some time as he may be wondering why he should care after all the years of sexual denial he lived with. This is a situation that is not probably not going to be solved overnight as it took a long time to create it.
> 
> My advice is to keep having conversations about it and be blunt and forward (with a smile on your face). Ask for orgasms from oral stimulation before PIV. Change positions during lovemaking to slow down the/his process. Up his desire for sex by giving him surprise Hj's or Bj's before he goes to work etc. You may also find that this increases his stamina/staying power for later in the day.


This. Once again, great post CG, you are one of my favorite posters.

The only thing I'd like to add for the original poster to consider is her math. You state that your husband prgasmed 100% of the time. While I understand what you are saying, in that during sex he orgasmed 100% of the time, I bet he doesn't see it the same way. Try adding in all the times you told him no to sex for whatever reason (whether or not that reason was valid I'll leave to you to decide). Those rejects count against that percentage in a man's head (actually in all HD people's head I'd imagine). So while you might say he's 100% for orgasms, he might look at it more like he's at 50% due to the constant rejection. Just because sex didn't start doesn't mean that it doesn't count. He didn't orgasm those times either (at least not with your help).


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

The ultimate difference between men and women in bed, is that men always take their orgasm into their own hands, while most women expect it to be given to them, if they expect it at all.

Imagine how dissatisfied you'd be if we always expected you to do all the work to get us off while we just lay there? Or how interested you'd be in us if we were so indifferent about getting off that by all appearances we just weren't into sex much?

Imagine the reverse situation: a guy who can't get off from intercourse. How would that make you feel? 

You want it differently? Take more control. You want it to last longer, get on top so you control when he finishes and what you feel. You want to orgasm every time, use the vibrator while he's doing doggy.

If you want him to do something, you really need to be specific about what you want him to do, especially since you've basically trained him to be this way. Hand him the vibrator and say "make me ...." or tell him to take his time. He can't read your mind.

Are you wrong to expect that your H actually wants to pleasure you? After years of devaluing him, yes. You catch more flies with honey. We get the same gratification from pleasuring you that you get from pleasuring us. If it seems you're not into it, we won't be into pleasuring you. Its that simple. Would you keep giving bjs to a guy who seems indifferent? Should the guy be mad later that you don't give him bjs anymore?

Take some personal responsibility for your satisfaction.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can probably count on less than 2 hands in 23 yrs that I didn't get an orgasm from my husband, he has always put my fireworks above his.... In the past, if he slipped before me, I'd make him do it again - cause I wanted mine !! 

He could do that once upon a time & was happy to do so....that just meant another round for him.

These days, he can't ... but he has learned over the yrs to be a master at holding out for me, sometimes he'll have like 10 close calls (I can feel him vibrating in there) but darn he is good at holding it back. It almost looks painful at times, God Bless him! 

It's something men learn -if their wives want that orgasm & are enthusiastic about it - I would think the majority of men would give their women the world for more passion in bed. 

I do feel , from your story of 15 years of complaining... saying you was too tired , didn't initiate ...he knew you just WANTED IT OVER WITH....so he learned to get his bang as fast as he could as to NOT bother you too long....in reality...you trained him to do this! Even encouraged it !

And now you want him to BE something else all of a sudden. 

This will take some undoing...he likely has some resentment built up for all those years his wife didn't enjoy sex.... but saw the act more in a chore like fashion, something to just get over with. 

Try to be understanding of what he has lost over the last 15 yrs. And maybe he will work harder at trying to please you. 

Women do need to take more control of their orgasms... "COWGIRL" (many say) is the easiest position for many women. 

Positions to make female orgasm easier during intercourse


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Ok, so first let me say that TAM has really helped. I do have to clarify i few things.
1. It hasn't been a 15 year drought. We've had ups and downs. There have been times when sex was daily, weekly, and other times when not so much. Downs happen for several reasons and both of us have responsibility in those reasons. My H was always vocal about when he was unhappy with my LD (which was relative to his HD, it doesn't mean that i never did or wanted sex). I listened and adjusted, sometimes better than others. He helped sometimes, he made it worse others. But i haven't been "rejecting" him for 15 years.
2. What is absolutely true, which this forum helped me see, is that i have not stopped to think about how my rejection, how my downs affected my H. Shameful but true. This was my ah ha moment. When i read A++ posts stating i was selfish, i thought ok well that's not helpful. But then it actually was. It bothered me so much, it forced me to think and realize, that its not so much about pleasing him or not, submitting or not, but rather, that i didn't think about how he has been affected. I didn't take into account his frustration when he wanted sex and i didn't. I remember a time when it would make me upset that every time we cuddled, he would get hard and wanted sex. I would think, damn can't you just want to be close without wanted to be serviced. This is what i thought of sex at the time. Now i see this totally different. If he would not get hard now, i'd probably be offended. What a paradox. This is all totally on me.
3. I apologized to my H for my past rejections. Again more so because i never took his feelings into account. He accepted my apology. I've been very open and direct these past couple of days, and there is some stuff i feel better about and some stuff i'm still conflicted about. There is no doubt my H loves me and that he wants and is motivated to be a good lover. I never reject him anymore. It's been about 1 year now of me just always being up for sex. It's true i have to work more on initiating, but he's not been rejected in a long time. His drive is still high, mine is just higher. And truthfully its not the frequency i have an issue with. He's very happy with how things are and told me he just doesn't want to do anything to mess it up. I don't want to mess it up either. 
4. There is still some truth and validity to how i feel. The main thing i'm learning is that i have to take more control over my own pleasure. This is not an easy thing for me. I don't own toys. I have always masturbated, and truthfully its just lost its appeal (ok not always). But i want the connection from my H. I asked him about how he feels about oral, and as suspected, he doesn't like it, never did. And here is my issue, i want it, but i'm not thrilled about him doing something he doesn't want to do. I know me, i'll be worried about it taking too long . . . it would just take away from the act. So here is one conflict. The other is I'd like to be more adventurous. Talk more about our fantasies, buy toys, learn about eachother. He told me he prefers things to "just happen naturally". And in a nutshell, I'm kind of bored and maybe always have been. Typical sex with my H is him squeezing one of my breasts (almost feels like he is going to say HONK HONK), a bit of mutual touch and sloppy kissing to start the mood, sex usually doggy style, finish, roll, snore. So there is the other conflict. And it goes back to I have to take more control over my own pleasure. I'm not pessimistic about it because of what i said in #3. I have to be more direct and take accountability for what i did to get here. I GET IT BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT - 

Thanks for all the great and the not so great posts. Keep'em coming. I can take it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I am glad this has been somewhat helpful to you. You have a lot here, but a couple of things jumped out at me:



Ina said:


> I remember a time when it would make me upset that every time we cuddled, he would get hard and wanted sex. I would think, damn can't you just want to be close without wanted to be serviced. This is what i thought of sex at the time. Now i see this totally different. If he would not get hard now, i'd probably be offended. What a paradox. This is all totally on me.


I think a lot of women assume that men can control their erections. Fact is that we very often cannot, particulary when we are younger. So him getting hard when you cuddle was not necessarily about him conscuously wanting sex.



> I never reject him anymore. It's been about 1 year now of me just always being up for sex. It's true i have to work more on initiating, but he's not been rejected in a long time. His drive is still high, mine is just higher.


Be aware that one year of no rejection is likely not completely overcome the previous rejections. Not that you are not on the right path, only that this type of conditioning can be pretty stubborn to get over.



> 4. There is still some truth and validity to how i feel. The main thing i'm learning is that i have to take more control over my own pleasure. This is not an easy thing for me. I don't own toys. I have always masturbated, and truthfully its just lost its appeal (ok not always). But i want the connection from my H. I asked him about how he feels about oral, and as suspected, he doesn't like it, never did. And here is my issue, i want it, but i'm not thrilled about him doing something he doesn't want to do. I know me, i'll be worried about it taking too long . . . it would just take away from the act. So here is one conflict. The other is I'd like to be more adventurous. Talk more about our fantasies, buy toys, learn about eachother. He told me he prefers things to "just happen naturally". And in a nutshell, I'm kind of bored and maybe always have been. Typical sex with my H is him squeezing one of my breasts (almost feels like he is going to say HONK HONK), a bit of mutual touch and sloppy kissing to start the mood, sex usually doggy style, finish, roll, snore. So there is the other conflict. And it goes back to I have to take more control over my own pleasure. I'm not pessimistic about it because of what i said in #3. I have to be more direct and take accountability for what i did to get here. I GET IT BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT -


It is not fun, but it is necessary. A couple of thoughts that might be helpful to you:

1. Be clear to him that you need this. You don't have to tell him that you have been bored all these years, but do share with him that what you did in the past is not working right now. 

2. Make it clear that he needs to make some changes. Maybe oral for you does not have to happen everytime, but it does need to be something that occurs occasionally. To that end, you need to work on receiving it like a gift from him. We all do things we don't necessarily like for our spouses.

3. Consider taking turns. Give him one night to run things if you will, then you run things the next time.

4. Make clear to him that doing these things will very likely up the frequency even more. If he is more HD than you, this will likely be a nice incentive for him.

Best of luck.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I was married for 30 years. My xw was low drive, she never initiated the last 5 years we were married. When we had sex it was very much "get it over with please." I use to think I had a premature ej. problem, as I rarely lasted very long, and our sessions were just as quick. I read up on lasting longer, tried a lot of different things, but still not much improvement. Fast forward to last year. I found she was having an affair, she left moved in with her AP, and they were married in July. What I have found since is that I now get comments on how long I can last, my gf enjoys my attention and has numerous o's every time. Last night was our first night together in a week, this morning I apoligized for not taking enough time with her, she responded "we were in bed for 4 hours!". My point to you: The way your husband is is DIRECTLY influenced by your past relationship. You most assuredly can influence his abilities, stamina. IT CAN BE CORRECTED. You need patience, and remember to tell a man anything, best to hit them over the head with a board to get there attention first. Probably more than one whack, def more than one conversation. As some one else said, "you reap what you sow" dont expect it to chagne over night, took 15 years to get where you are.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I feel my responsibility in this is that i could have helped change it sooner. I can't really expect that my H just be what i want him to be when i have never given him a clue of what i want, especially as i am learning more and more about myself. However, I didn't "make" him like this. He has some responsibility here too. He has always been the type of lover i describe and just maybe this contributed to some of my "rejections" in the past. I say this because I'm reading lots of posts from angry H's that are in that predicament. And some (not all) put much of the blame of the rejection entirely on the ones doing the rejecting (without taking a good look at what they bring or do not bring to the table). And just as W's have to take accountability and control over their sexual happiness and pleasure, so do H's. There are a number of things my H could have done differently in the past rather than expect, complain, and criticize; and i could have been more honest about how i felt. And there are a number of things he could do differently now. Unlike the past, i will ask for them, and i will be armed with as many boards to whack him in the head as necessary. And Hoosier, I'm sorry for your W's betrayal, but glad you have found a partner who values you. My H has stuck through my issues, I'll stick through his. Infidelity is not an option for me.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Ina

I'd like to add that I'm impressed by your approach to this. It appears to me you are being open minded and willing to consider all inputs. I don't think anyone could ask for more.

Obviously communication is key. A dynamic like yours that evolved over a long period of time will take a long time to change. I would hope that if you're as open and honest with your husband and as willing to consider all sides he should be more than willing to work with you to arrive at a solution that is satisfactory to both of you. He can maybe point to the past to explain his present but he can't keep using it to avoid trying to change for the better.

Best of luck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ina said:


> 2. What is absolutely true, which this forum helped me see, is that i have not stopped to think about* how my rejection, how my downs affected my H. Shameful but true*. This was my ah ha moment. When i read A++ posts stating i was selfish, i thought ok well that's not helpful. But then it actually was. *It bothered me so much, it forced me to think and realize, that its not so much about pleasing him or not, submitting or not, but rather, that i didn't think about how he has been affected.* *I didn't take into account his frustration when he wanted sex and i didn't. I remember a time when it would make me upset that every time we cuddled, he would get hard and wanted sex. I would think, damn can't you just want to be close without wanted to be serviced. This is what i thought of sex at the time. Now i see this totally different. *If he would not get hard now, i'd probably be offended. What a paradox. This is all totally on me.


 I just want to say ... It is GOOD that you can see this -how this has affected your husband, hurting him. 

When I was younger, although I NEEDED it at least once a week or I'd be chasing him down .. I did NOT understand the urgency of the male sex drive (many women don't -we should all teach our dear daughters!)...as far as I knew, he only needed it as much as I was feeling it... I really had not idea HOW my husband was suffering because I was never starved like that... he was at my "beck & call" . 

Men have between 10-50 times more Testosterone over women -this is our LUST hormone, when I came into this, I swear my mind was hi-jacked!! I was like..."damn, is this HOW MEN FEEL...









Then I suddenly felt like this 24 hours a day >>>









It was unrelenting and TORMENTING ...the thought alone of being rejected ...OMG, that was enough to send me over the edge. 

...I sat & cried, head in my hands, how all these years I didn't get it...I said to him...."MY Lord , how in the hell did you handle that?"... I told him I would have went stark raving MAD.... I could have never never done it, I would have been up his azz every night needing it (as I was then - thankfully he wanted to please me!!). 

So I cried for what he missed / what WE missed. I felt his pain, I know this meant the world to him, and I'll never be the same....

As I am so sure this means a great deal to your husband as well INA. 

We got a taste of our own medicine one might say. It's good to wake up from our slumber. 



> 3. I apologized to my H for my past rejections. Again more so because i never took his feelings into account. He accepted my apology. I've been very open and direct these past couple of days, and there is some stuff i feel better about and some stuff i'm still conflicted about. *There is no doubt my H loves me and that he wants and is motivated to be a good lover.* I never reject him anymore. It's been about 1 year now of me just always being up for sex. It's true i have to work more on initiating, but he's not been rejected in a long time. His drive is still high, mine is just higher.


 Love this !! 











> 4. There is still some truth and validity to how i feel. The main thing i'm learning is that i have to take more control over my own pleasure. This is not an easy thing for me. I don't own toys. I have always masturbated, and truthfully its just lost its appeal (ok not always). *But i want the connection from my H.* I asked him about how he feels about oral, and as suspected, he doesn't like it, never did. And here is my issue, i want it, but i'm not thrilled about him doing something he doesn't want to do. I know me, i'll be worried about it taking too long . . . it would just take away from the act. So here is one conflict.


 This is a shame, because the vast majority of women orgasm through oral and you might be one of those!! So he has never done it ?? I can see where you are coming from here. You really desire this Act and it hurts that it's not something he is INTO. Most higher drive men crave this, I am kinda surprised .



> The other is I'd like to be more adventurous. Talk more about our fantasies, buy toys, learn about eachother. He told me he prefers things to "just happen naturally". And in a nutshell, I'm kind of bored and maybe always have been.


 It sounds to me like he could step up a little more for your enjoyment ~ because he loves you & wants your pleasure & happiness....and come out of his comfort zone a little. 

When I wanted more adventure....more variety, more novelty.....I bought sex games, went on a lingerie kick, rented porn, bought books on how to please a man- anything to turn up the heat higher on him was working for me [email protected]#$%^ We tried new positions, erotic massage, upped the flirting/ teasing, more fantasy talk..

So what if you just introduced some things in the bedroom, what would he do?? Take the lead... Seduce... 



> Typical sex with my H is him squeezing one of my breasts (almost feels like he is going to say HONK HONK), a bit of mutual touch and sloppy kissing to start the mood, sex usually doggy style, finish, roll, snore. So there is the other conflict.


 Sounds like your husband has never learned the art of pleasurable *foreplay*... had he maybe you would have been orgasming all of these years...and you would have enjoyed sex alot more too.

I was thinking this when I wrote my last post, I bet he is skimpy here... you confirmed it. A good lover takes the time to get his wife FIRED up and wanting more, till she can't take it anymore. 



> Thanks for all the great and the not so great posts. Keep'em coming. I can take it.


 You have a good attitude. Now If your husband can just see where he is lacking in this....and step it up....the 2 of you can climb ever new sexual heights with each other. 

Your husband needs a book like this >>> 

 How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know : Lou Paget: Books


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

:smthumbup:

It was a good night . . . That's all i have to say about that!!!!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Ina said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> It was a good night . . . That's all i have to say about that!!!!


*THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY??*

C'mom! Spill the beans!!!! In detail!


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> *THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY??*
> 
> C'mom! Spill the beans!!!! In detail!


:lol:

I'm blushing 

Late at night he woke me and focused totally on my pleasure. He started with oral and finished me off with his fingers. Took his time too. What i learned, he loves me bare. So for woman who want their man to perform oral, removing pubic hair may help . . . 

There is still lots to work on but last night proves to me that my H hears me and wants to make me happy. What more can a girl ask for? Ok, lots more but . . . you know what i mean.

Oh and new problem, how to mute my screams so that my kids don't wake up and hear their parents getting it on!!:rofl:


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Ina said:


> Oh and new problem, how to mute my screams so that my kids don't wake up and hear their parents getting it on!!:rofl:


*OMFG!!!* I feel liberated through you. I am VERY VERY HAPPY for you! OMG what a breakthrough! This is a great thread!
Thanks! My husband started to read the book, "She Comes First..." yesterday, which I asked him to read to try new tips and techniques. We'll see how it goes!

very happy for you.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

IslandGirl3 said:


> *OMFG!!!* I feel liberated through you. I am VERY VERY HAPPY for you! OMG what a breakthrough! This is a great thread!
> Thanks! My husband started to read the book, "She Comes First..." yesterday, which I asked him to read to try new tips and techniques. We'll see how it goes!
> 
> very happy for you.


Good book. :smthumbup:


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

Ina said:


> :lol:
> 
> I'm blushing
> 
> ...


use a sock like in the movie porkys.

glad things are looking up down and all around by the sound of things!:smthumbup:


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ina said:


> Or do these men only exist in romance novels? And to the men: honestly, do you care? Have you always? Does the partner matter? Do i basically have to say HEY GIVE ME A FREAKING ORGASM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS?? I am wrong to expect that my H actually wants to pleasure me?


The reality of this is simple:

If a man read a porn book (and 50 shades is an unrealistic pornographic book) and then became sexually charged, the wife would wonder; why the hell does it take a book to get my husband interested in sex with me?
If the man had an orgasm less than 20% of the time, the blame would be on him, you would (or most women would) think he was impotent or had some other sexual dysfunction.
If a woman has a hard time enjoying sex, being into sex, or having an orgasm during sex, then she needs to fix it. Does she orgasm every time she masturbates? If so, then you know your dysfunction isn't physical and should start looking for psychological reasons.

The inability to orgasm, with a sexual partner, is something the individual needs to own as their own problem, and explore ways to fix these things by showing their partner what it takes to get them aroused, and bring them to completion; even if it means asking him to stick with you and watch until you bring yourself to an orgasm, thereby letting him learn what it took.

The responsibility is on the one who has the trouble achieving orgasm, don't drag down the husband.

T


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Tony, 
1) I never said i was UNABLE to have an orgasm with my H.
2) I have already taken responsibility for my part.

Thanks for your post.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Ina said:


> I appreciate the responses and i can take responsibility for my role in the past. I have to get over my initial defensiveness to really hear what you all have to say. And after reading my post, yeah i guess i am indignant. And yes, i am not totally being fair. When we met, we had sex all the time. As a young woman, I was not that in tune to my own sexual needs, so his neglect wasn't that relevant. Sex with my H has never been earth shattering, but that wasn't why i chose him. He can be what i need in many other areas i value. So with the sex, I was there to please him, and that pleased me. What we had was satisfying both of us at the time. Then we had kids, and well I went through what many women go through. It's no excuse, it just is. I neglected being a wife at times and still wasn't in tune to my needs and my body. I will say this, i worked at it. His happiness in the bedroom was important to me. I took care of myself, i had sex when i really didn't want to, and i listened to his needs/suggestions. Talking about that has never been an issue. I'm not bad with communication, and i can take criticism, it's giving it that i find difficult. Even before my "awakening" our sex life had improved (in terms of frequency and his satisfaction. He's always been quick. And he's always expressed wishing it didn't end so quickly. I'm reading on what i can do to help him along. I guess sometimes i feel like it's just me doing the work, but I guess i've played a part in that too.
> 
> I can see how it is unfair for me to expect that he be different because i am different. And i can also see where i need to take more control of my needs. That part is still not easy. I needed a reality check on my expectation, so thanks.


This is my wife Ina... Athough sex is mor frequent now than the first 18 years , it seems to be for my pleasure. Like you, she has always been the hurry up and get it over with type. She has never even tried to make hersel O...ever....I really try hard to help her O, but it takes her soooo long.

If she were to have a sudden change like you...(she has read 50 SOG and there hasn't been a change) I don't know how I would react. I'll think about it


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

AlreadyGone thanks for your post. I can see where you can draw the similarities between you wife and I. I can't say I never tried to make myself O. There were times I did with my husband and I did masturbate although secretly. I always felt ashamed and guilty about it though. Touching myself in front of my husband was thrilling and embarrassing at the same time, and I usually had to be prompted by him. I also recall that when my inhibitions were diminished, my approach was quite different. My change has been more about giving myself permission to be sexual and enjoy the act of lovemaking for myself. Yes, the book triggered this and some may not approve, but I'm no longer seeking approval. I can only say that i have a healthier view of my sexuality and my husband is most certainly on board. I suppose someone should start a thread on the the 50 SOG argument LOL! In any event, if your wife were to have a sudden change, I would hope that you both can have an honest discussion about your mutual needs and how to get to a satisfying outcome.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I think my wife feels like sex is dirty. She feels embarrased to touch herself with or without me. Maybe she feels like she is a porn star is she does that or even if we try different positions. She is getting better though. I want her to have a healthier view on her own sexuality like you just said.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Ina said:


> Tony,
> 1) I never said i was UNABLE to have an orgasm with my H.
> 2) I have already taken responsibility for my part.
> 
> Thanks for your post.



"We had this conversation where we spoke about my orgasms, and i told him quite honestly that he finds release 100% of the time, where i'm more like at 20% (i was being generous)."
"Since that talk, i think the percentage has actually gone down."
It's good you've taken responsibility for your part; men need help with these things, but once a woman is clear about what it is she needs, to feel fulfilled, sexually, most will oblige.

Both of you have a stimulation issue, his takes little stimulation and arrives quickly, yours takes a lot stimulation and arrives over a longer period of time; both helping each other to modify the stimulation-to-orgasm duration puts both of you closer together to mutual, simultaneous orgasms.

It's a two-way street.

T


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