# how to get over affair.



## username112233 (Oct 9, 2012)

9 year GF had an emotional affair via internet / text with someone at her work 5 months. She is still working with him and it drives me crazy every day. I have no idea if it is still going on or not. I have bad anxiety
She is looking for new job in different department.
She said when the emotional affair started that she should have ended our relationship years ago and I think has been unhappy but not sure. She has still stayed.

I don’t know if she is….
Still having the affair and has not left yet due to embarrassment of everyone finding out at work.
Got turned down by other man and now looking for someone else. 
Does love me but not happy and only staying due to my anxiety.

I love her so much but getting bad anxiety over it all which is running our lives.


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Did you find her out, or did she tell you?

Either way she needs to move jobs now, and if she doesn't, expose it to her HR department, and leave her.

You have begun a journey that will put you through more anxiety, however you approach it, brace yourself..and stick around here, lots of advice coming your way, and ALL the information you need!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The only way to get over this is to demand that she be accountable and spell out very clearly to her what the consequences will be if she refuses or continues to cheat. She must give you unlimited and unhindered access to her entire life - all passwords, emails, phone, bank account, EVERYthing. She must tell you where she is 24/7. She must get an STD test and take you with her to get the results (you should get one too).

Have a look at the newbie link in my signature. There are also some book recs at the end of my story post. SHE cheated - it is up to HER to prove she isn't any more. Then it's up to you to determine whether you want to continue to work with her on your marriage, or split and work on healing yourself. You will need to heal yourself either way.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Do you want to stay with her?

I didn't ask if you wish she never had the affair.

I didn't ask if you want things to go back to how they used to be.

Do you want to stay with her after she had an affair and work it out?

I am so sorry you were treated so poorly. You didn't deserve it. You didn't do it to yourself. You aren't alone. There are so many of us that suffer through this. *hugs*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Has she SAID that she wants to stay with you or have you even talked about it?

If she is still working with the guy then odds are very good that it has been taken underground.

I have found that sometimes in a stressful situation the truth comes out. When she said she should have ended things with you years ago, that may have been an attempt to hurt you or it may have been the truth that she could not bring herself to admit.

You need to get back some of your self respect. Realize that you will be OK (maybe even better) without her and the drama she brings.

Others have told you what you need to do to salvage the relationship. But do you really want to do that? Do you really want to take that chance?

BTW - your anxiety is not ruining your lives - it was/is her affair that did this.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You never get over and A. You can work past it and start something new. I am surprised that you are still with someone that is your GF and not your wife.

If you want to work things out she needs to leave the job and right now. If she is not willing to do that to save your relationship you have to really way out how committed and how in love she is with you. 

As far as an STD test you really need to get that done and sooner then later.

Telling a doctor that I need and STD test because my wife had unprotected sex. It will be a real low point and define your resolve to R with your GF


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

She had an affair because she isn't happy with you. Not an excuse, but it's a reason. If that's NOT addressed then she will just do it again. And from the way it sounds you would tolerate it again.

Staying because you have anxiety isn't much of a relationship.
See a doctor, the anxiety problem can be fixed. 


3 questions:
What do you want to do? 
Is she willing to work on you two? 
Are you willing to work on you two?

Again, see a doctor for the anxiety, it's NOT a reason to stay in a relationship. Would she leave you if you were better? I guess that's the question of questions here. No sense in answering the others if her answer is yes.

If she wants to stay then she has some work to do, and you need to decide if you can handle this affair she had. YOU being key here. Anxiety or not, you have to stand up for yourself and set some bounderies, get the details of the affair and go from there.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

An emotional affair with someone that is accessible in daily life does not go on for 5 months without very bad lines being crossed. Let's not candy coat anything here. How long can 2 people that are attracted to each other have feelings AND opportunity without taking advantage of it? I am not saying that there has been intercourse, but there surely has been sexual activity... Kissing and making out can probably be counted on at this point.

Not trying to be a downer at this point, but put yourself into that situation for a moment... A hottie of a coworker that you develop feelings for, who also has feelings for you. You see her every day. Opportunity presents itself. how long would you leave your hands off? 5 months? I highly doubt it.

As far as others finding out at work... most coworkers could care less and would even encourage it to continue.

The bottom line is that you need to get to the bottom of your relationship and find out where it has been and where it is going. If the two of you are not on the same page, then it may be time to consider alternative routes. Forcing her to quit or getting her fired will not fix or solve anything! If she doesn't do it because she was wrong and wants to do what's right, then you are just blocking her from that one person, which can backfire because at that time, they are free to pursue each other without interoffice politics getting in the way. Besides... if you feel like you have to control her movements and "put her in a cage" to keep her out of trouble, it is only going to be miserable for you both.

People stay in bad relationships because of the familiarity of them... Like that old pair of shoes in the back of the closet. "Old Standby" shoes that you simply cannot part with because they feel good. Relationships are the same. There is a level of comfort in a relationship staying together because it is familiar and better than venturing into the unknown alone. These relationships are always rough roads and misery.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> She had an affair because she isn't happy with you. Not an excuse, but it's a reason. If that's NOT addressed then she will just do it again. And from the way it sounds you would tolerate it again.


I don't think so, she's having an affair because she wants to. If she isn't happy, she can leave, I don't understand how people justify affairs based on a lack of happiness.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to ask her tonight is it going to be me or coworker. Either way get the guys name and let their HR know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

BjornFree said:


> I don't think so, she's having an affair because she wants to. If she isn't happy, she can leave, I don't understand how people justify affairs based on a lack of happiness.


I think that is only partially true. I don't think that anybody ever leaves the house in the morning in search of an affair. "Hey! I'm going to bang the girl from the sales department today!" it just isn't that cut and dry.

Affairs begin rather innocently and develop into a severe emotional time bomb before the involved parties ever realize that what is happening is wrong. Once they realize that their relationship is inappropriate, emotions and ideas are already vested. It becomes hard to make a decision between wrong and right, so they start making excuses and justifications for their past, current and future actions.

By the time the cheaters realize what has happened, there is already jealousy, fantasies of being together and talk of leaving spouses. one partner in the affair might go out of their way to get caught, hoping to make their spouse into the one who ends the marriage. They might take steps to "out" their affair partner to her spouse, hoping to secure a long-term relationship with her before letting his own wife catch on.

Affairs most oftentimes start with trouble at home and are fueled by a lack of communication.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Why do you refer to it as text/internet affair if they work together?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

moogvo said:


> People stay in bad relationships because of the familiarity of them... Like that old pair of shoes in the back of the closet. "Old Standby" shoes that you simply cannot part with because they feel good. Relationships are the same. There is a level of comfort in a relationship staying together because it is familiar and better than venturing into the unknown alone. These relationships are always rough roads and misery.


Hearing this makes me sad, but I believe you are telling the truth here.


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