# Wife cheated, and denied at first but now wants divorce



## Messy (Jan 8, 2013)

I and my wife have been married for 12 years, been together for 14. We have one boy (11 years). 

Some detail on our married life:

We are from Africa but live in Europe. When we got married I was 24, and she 21 years. I am rather busy at my work, and travel often. Lately my wife complained about that a lot so I began to fly her and my child out on some of my overseas trips. 

The main problem though is that about three or so years ago, she said she wanted a divorce. I asked her why - and out of my desperate attempt to rescue our marriage from failing - I begged her, even pleaded not to leave. I feel that I am invested in her so much emotionally and financially, to get her where she is today. 

Over the years I realized that she lost interest in me, in what I say, or plan to do together as family. She keeps saying she is not happy; she wants her freedom, to find herself. I suspected that this might be because of an abortion (which she did against my wish) and a miscarriage; so tried to do my best to comfort her only to discover that she was involved in an EA with an old high school class mate via Facebook. Sometimes, she blames me that I am not a husband strong enough to put my foot down on the baby thing, so now it is my fault that I let the abotion happen. 

Last year she left for Africa because of "family emergency" - family member ill. But I found out that she was intimate with the same guy, and had actually taken vacation with him that lasted over ten days. While she was there I tried to call her, but she shut down her mobile all the way along. Her family member got deceased, but she was not around for three days, and I arrived in her family's house (from Europe) before she returned from her vacation! Some of the people I knew told me that she was not around for the past three days after the death of her close family member (big shame). I did not say to save face and returned back home. Later on I found out from one of her Facebook pictures posts about the places she and her old boyfriend had been - incidentally he wore a fleece with a particular mark that she use to wear here. I confronted her, she denied at first. I came with another picture where she is wearing another cloth of his; and a ring that I saw in another picture is his. She neither admitted nor denied having a PA. Nor did she say she was sorry which to me is not surprising because she is not used to saying sorry. 

Now I am quite sure that she had cheated on me, and that's probably why she wanted an out. 

One more thing: she left for Africa at a time when we are discussing the possibility of us taking a break. Yet when I suggested we could go there together she snapped at me, then started a fight, throwing things at me. So I let her go alone. 

Right now I don't think I have the heart for forgiveness. I am struggling to let her go, but also angry. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that we are no longer husband and wife, and that our kid will grow up knowing that we will not be together. At imes I question myself whether any of her actions were justifiable? Is it all right wife could be in sexual relation with another man, when we are entertaining the idea of separation but were still together? 

After she returned to Europe, we got separated (legally) in Oct 2012 but are still living in the same house for practical reasons (to figure out who can stay in the house we co-own). 

Although I am aware of how difficult our marriage had been the past years; I find myself in this state of emotional rollercoster. I don't know how to sort out my feelings. Often times I find myself angry and lonely. I resent her too. I am also unsure of how to relate with her in order to make the separation and divorce amicable, both for us and our child. I have very few friends so while surfing the web I stumbled at this site which I found it very informative. Do you guys have any advice?

Many thanks
Messy


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Messy said:


> I and my wife have been married for 12 years, been together for 14. We have one boy (11 years).
> 
> Some detail on our married life:
> 
> ...


Welcome, Messy. I’m sorry you are going through this.

To answer one question.......no, it is not right for your wife to be in a sexual relationship when you were entertaining the idea of separation. You were (and still are married).

As far as your son goes, as long as you and your wife continue to let him know that he is loved and that none of this is his fault, he will be fine. It would be a good idea to get him into counselling to help him deal with it, but with support, as much stability as you can provide, and love he will be fine. I would imagine there is tension in the house. Better to have parents who live apart than to live like that.

As for your wife, I suspect the reason she snapped when you suggested going to Africa together was because she knew that she was going to have the affair. 

She has shown no respect for you. She is leaving. You need to find a way to deal with that, for your sake and your son’s. Google ‘The 180’. It contains strategies that will help you develop the strength you need to get through this. Consider some counselling for yourself.

Best wishes.


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