# Filing for divorce with 5 kids, scared out of my mind



## sbmomof5 (10 mo ago)

So, we have lived together for 23 years, married for 14. We have 5 kids, almost 16 to almost 5. Things were really never good between us. We broke up too many times to count before our first child, I would go to my parent's house, we would talk, I would come back. I was always scared to leave him. Scared I couldn't make it on my own. We both worked, but he made most of the money. I remember being ready to leave when I took the pregnancy test time that was positive. I cried so much in the shower. It was not a happy pregnancy. I would sleep in the guest bed many days, feeling so trapped. But our son was a joy. We got married because we wanted another. Courthouse wedding with my parents as witnesses. I didn't have any friends then and I don't now. He says I will cheat if anyone offers; I don't know how to say no. I have been faithful to him for 23 years, not so much as flirting with anyone else, but he says I flirted with his friend 20 some odd years ago because of how I held I beer bottle.

Anyway, we now have 5 wonderful kids. And he has been yelling at me in front of them every weekend for over a year. Calling me names. Saying I offer nothing and do nothing. We used to have good family breakfasts every weekend. Now the kids don't want to come out of their rooms. Our 15 year old son stood up to him and told him to leave the room one morning when his father was being horrible. Dad got up in his face trying to get our son to hit him saying he would lay him out, he could beat the sh** out of him if he wanted to. Told him to leave the house for 10 minutes to think about his place. I eventually told him to do what his father said; calm down. He did, and now he mostly ignores his father, but is agreeable at dinner time because he is smart enough to keep the peace.

In all of my husband's screaming rants about what a horrible wife and mother I am, he tells me to file for divorce. He says f you and f your God, go back to your parents who can tell me I did a good job and pray for me. (He thinks anyone religious is weak and feeble minded). He makes various threats too. He says he will file once he loses his job or quits and spends all the savings. He is on a contract that is set to end in October, but has been extended many times. He has been in the same position for 20 years, but has been through various companies due to buyouts and is now an outsourced contract worker for the most recent company that recently got bought out by another company. Most of his co workers have left for the company he is working for on contract. His boss has offered to help him stay with the current contract company. He refuses to apply for anything, or to get the covid vaccine so that he would be able to find work. Last weekend he transferred $105k out of $120k in savings after telling me I made a mistake for not yelling back at him when I was trying to shop for pants for two of our children. He also said that he would not be putting any paychecks into the joint account to pay the bills. I can use my savings ($9k) and see how long it lasts.

I had already spoken with three lawyers, and had an appointment on Monday to talk to the one I wanted to hire based on reviews (but it took a month to get an appointment with her). I was able to pay her on Wednesday, and returned all the paperwork she needs to get things started today. (I was trying to fill out the paperwork on Wednesday, but he would not leave the room for more than a few minutes at a time, mostly coming in just to threaten me with how he was going to spend all the money and quit and not pay any child support no matter what the judge orders).

Today he acting like things are normal. He fixed a noisy door that would slam every time it was opened. He replaced the wheels on the garage door, but said he realized that was not the problem to the loud squeak it makes. 

So now I am just waiting to hear from my lawyer. I was told it would take over a week to get the paperwork back to serve him. I feel like I am in a bubble and this is not real. I didn't want a divorce. But he thinks the only form of therapy is screaming and then going on. He came from an abusive household with a mom that took off with the kids a number of times, but always came back. He says our kids problem is that they were never beat for doing things wrong. 

I am so scared. I wake up scared. I feel like I am going to throw up all the time. I am having to force myself to eat. I am losing weight, and remember that I have to eat when I get dizzy and find it hard to think. I can't imagine how he is going to respond when he finds out I actually filed. He actually said to me yesterday that he would not give me any information about his income or employment or anything to make things easy for me. He said my lawyer would try to find out about his assets and he would lie about them and I would have to try to steal them from him. I am afraid he might actually quit his job. He mostly works from home already, and the only time there is any peace is when he is at work.

There is so much more than this, but I know I have already rambled on for too long for most to read through. 

I have video and audio recordings that he knew I was making for many of his threats and insults and lies. He says they are useless, nobody will care about them. If nothing else, it will forever remind me why we can't be together.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There is no amount of money that is worth a man bully and abusing your children.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Please file for divorce and get an immediate temporary order for support money.

Start looking for work. You need a sense of security - you can provide that for yourself if you have some income.

Please stop subjecting everyone in the house to his abuse. Your kids will think it’s normal. It’s not normal and you need to be telling them that anytime someone is abusive - they shouldn’t stay involved with the abuser.


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## sbmomof5 (10 mo ago)

I have filed for divorce. I hired an attorney on Tuesday, but wasn't able to get all the info they needed until Thursday. He mostly works out of the house, so I was trying to fill out the paperwork with him walking in and out of the room to check on what I was doing. I had to find his driver's license while he was in the shower, because he told me he would not give me any info to make things easy for me. I don't even know his hire date with his current employer, or have access to our recent tax returns. I was told it would take over a week to get the paperwork back to serve him, so I am trying to keep the peace until then. He told me he should get a lawyer to find out the best way to make sure there is no money for me to get. One of the lawyers I spoke to actually said he would not hire him because of what he has done and is threatening to do with the savings and his job. 

I keep telling him I don't want to get divorced. And I really don't. I want him to see and understand what he is doing to us all and change, but he won't.

But today the direct deposit from his paycheck came in. Instead of the normal amount I am given (that doesn't cover the bills, with most going to his checking, making me take from savings to pay monthly expenses) it was $2. Last week he told me he changed it because I was a $2 ho. I have been with him and faithful to him for 23 years.

Again tonight he was discussing putting a playhouse in the backyard for our daughter. He acts like everything is normal at dinner. My mental state is a mess. I can't imagine a life without him, but I see our kids becoming numb to his behavior. I don't know how I will make enough money to give them any life if he doesn't pay his child support, but I can't just let them live this any more. 

I know he is not going to take it well when the paperwork is official. I asked him if he would be mad, sad, or happy, and he honestly said it would probably be all of them. He just doesn't think I will do it. He says my whole life is a coincidence based on inaction. I asked him to go to counselling. So many times. But he thinks that human nature means that everyone is out for themselves, and any doctor or therapist just wants to make money and not help.

Anyway, thanks for the support. Hoping for a good weekend for the kids that I can breathe before I I have to be scared of what he will do when he is served. I have a busy weekend with kids activities and a sleepover at our house (he behaves when others are around, he even promised tonight to one of our daughters that he would not fight with me while her friend was over).


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

To shorten your post, you went from falling pregnant and going back to your parents, feeling scared and not wanting him… to then marrying him, then 5 kids and not wanting a divorce.

Let’s go way back. What made you stick with the pregnancy, leave your parents and go on and marry him?

When he says he gets nothing from you, what Is he talking about? Finances, affection, sex, housekeeping? Time together? What did he ask of you? What is it that he has needed from you since you came back pregnant from your parents?
What was attractive about him, given you went on to marry and stayed together?

I see that you don’t want a divorce and I’m sorry it’s come to this, one day at a time.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sbmomof5 said:


> We broke up too many times to count before our first child,


And, it sounds as if this situation has been continuous. I'm very sorry to hear this.



sbmomof5 said:


> Scared I couldn't make it on my own.


Unfortunately, this may not be an irrational fear, rather, a correct indication of fact.



sbmomof5 said:


> I can use my savings ($9k) and see how long it lasts.


This is an indicator that causes me to make the above statement. It sounds as if your work has not profited you well. I'm also guessing, from your quotes of your husband, thatt THIS is the major point of resentment he has kept and nurtured for 23 years. He feels like he is the only contributor to your family.

I have to be honest with you. I was married to someone for 18 years (and, there wasn't a divorce, she tragically died at age 66) who earned a sum total of less than $1000 bucks over the 18 years, even though we had no kids. Resentment for having my educational goals and career goals blocked for nearly 2 decades ate me alive. "Mid-life-crisis" is a REAL thing where resentments are at the crux of it.



sbmomof5 said:


> I can't just let them live this any more.


Good for you. Find your God. He's there. He has been, always. And, He always will be. Get God's advice on how you can make more money and give your kids the life you want to give them. He won't fail. Depend on Him, not on your husband.

Just remember this: I am not the author of it, I heard in in a radio message from a good old preacher...... that ....God can redeem your failure, but not your fear....


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Did you sign the tax return? Can you request a copy from the tax preparer without him knowing?


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## sbmomof5 (10 mo ago)

To answer some questions:

I stayed with him when I found out I was pregnant because he said he wanted to make it work. I loved him and he loved me. We both loved our son and decided to get married prior to trying to have another child. 

What he wants from me is the perfect 50's housewife. He says a housewife should get the kids on the bus on time, make her husband want to go to work, have the house cleaned every day, and a dinner that is not 'quick' or 'easy' at dinner time, then the kids washed and put to bed on time every night. Then sex whenever he wants it. And encouragement whenever he wants to start a new project. He never finishes a project. We have a doormat covering a hole in the floor for 8 years now because he wanted to redo the half bath and tore out a bunch of floor in the hallway to make it level. We have a floating floor with no trim in the laundry room because he wanted a new floor in there when we got a new washer and dryer, but then wouldn't pick up the trim to finish it and wouldn't get it shipped for free because he was afraid it would be damaged. Another doorman covers the transition he caused from the laundry room to the kitchen that used to have the same tile floor. We put up a shed with no plan because he didn't like any of them, and then never really finished it. The door is rotting away (built by him and never painted) and there is a rock holding it closed because the latch he picked never worked and he didn't change it. He also never built the ramp to be able to get things in and out of it. He wanted to grow marijuana in the basement to sell once it became legal. Sold me on the idea of it. Grew enough for himself, then told me he did more research and we couldn't actually sell any of it. Then his water caused a bunch of mold to grow in that room of the basement, that he blamed on me because I didn't get a new dehumidifier after he told me he was buying one. (I went out and purchased one and cleaned up the mold the day we discovered it.) But at least he's not spending money on the weed he needs every day...

I did hold a job before. He constantly questioned me on my coworkers. I couldn't tell him about any conversations I had with any male coworkers because if I spoke to another guy he thought I was going to cheat on him. He would not let me go to college in person because he said I was just looking for another boyfriend. He now says I can go and get a job and do whatever I want as long as I don't come back home to him. He says the only reason I haven't cheated on him is because I have only stayed at home and haven't had the opportunity. He grew up with a number of issues regarding his mom's faithfulness and sometimes even thinks he might not be his father's child. He forgets that he used to make the money to pay the rent and I made the money to pay for the food, all the while questioning me about anybody I worked with.

I had higher education goals. He tells me that college is a waste of money. The only reason I was able to do what I did before was because I qualified for pell grants that paid for it and online courses that he would accept. The problem with my education helping me out now is that I got an associates in 2009 in a computer field, so it is essentially obsolete now. 

As far as I know, no tax return has been filed for this year. We have always done it ourselves. We used to use software from something like taxact or turbotax, but the last couple of years the software has been more expensive than doing it through their website, so there have been no physical copies and I don't have the login info to check or get prior tax years info. He told me he will not give me any information to make this easier for me. Have my lawyer try to get the info from him and he will lie. I don't think he has filed yet because he usually waits for some unknown reason since we get a refund every year. 

He recently said he should probably get a lawyer to give him advice as to how to make sure there is no money left when the divorce does finally happen so I get nothing and he doesn't have to pay child support. He said he thinks the lawyer would probably suggest he quit his job as soon as possible. He looked a bit sad when he said it because he is looking at a big severance if his company does let him go, but he is refusing to apply for work that he could easily get or apply for other positions within his company that he could easily get. He told me that in the past he wasn't willing to throw away his career to get rid of me, but now that they are taking it away from him anyway, he is going to get rid of me too once it is 'convenient' for him.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Go to your nearest irs office and show your ID. Request a copy of your most recent returns. If available get several years that were filed.

If you filed with him - your esignature should have been needed.

Stop believing what he tells you. You need to be strong and start taking charge of your life.


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