# Is it possible his EA wasn't PA too?



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It won't change anything; since we are getting divorced, but my husband insists that all that time he was texting and talking to his co-worker, that they never even kissed and it was emotional only. He has admitted they talked about everything else-he complained about our relationship to her-but it never went further than that. Is this possible or is this just another lie? He did say she was going to get another job when I found out the extent of the texting etc., but I moved away and she still works there. I know I don't control him, but why wouldn't he just come clean now? They work in a very close work environment so I don't see how it could not have progressed to something physical but he still insists it wasn't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, it's possible. Some EAs never go PA.

Don't focus on that though. Finish up your divorce through and never look back.

Good luck.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Sorry, but it is very unlikely that it didn't go any further than he claims. He's willing to divorce and all it was was an EA? I guarantee you this, IF it wasn't a PA he would have done everything short of flying to the moon to prove it. Wouldn't you?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Sorry, but it is very unlikely that it didn't go any further than he claims. He's willing to divorce and all it was was an EA? I guarantee you this, IF it wasn't a PA he would have done everything short of flying to the moon to prove it. Wouldn't you?


EAs are every bit as damaging as PA's. Depending on the couple, an EA could be a deal breaker. It would be for me and my H...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dellia said:


> Sorry, but it is very unlikely that it didn't go any further than he claims. He's willing to divorce and all it was was an EA? I guarantee you this, IF it wasn't a PA he would have done everything short of flying to the moon to prove it. Wouldn't you?


And how could he "prove" that it never went physical? You can't record an event of non-sex as proof after the fact.. 

She will either believe him or she won't. He either lied or he didn't. There is absolutely no way of disproving the fact that it wasn't PA unless she found confirmation that sex a PA did happen.

And maybe she filed for divorce, not him.

Nonetheless, OP, keep moving forward.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And OP - don't get caught up in all that now; just walk away.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes; I am the one who filed. I could not get past the fact that he had been doing this behind my back for so long. He also lied about some other things that had to do with her. He was so protective of her and the relationship and it felt like he threw away those 22 years of marriage out the window. I think I am feeling guilty today for not trying harder and working things out with him. I know some people do it; but I just can't. We have other issues as well; a familiar story on TAM. He wants to work things out-and it would be better for my kids for us to live closer to him-but this was a deal breaker for me. Sigh.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes-I agree that focusing on this now does not help a damn thing except it feels like wallowing in all the sh!t again. I want to move on; and I have but guess this is just a bad day.


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> EAs are every bit as damaging as PA's. Depending on the couple, an EA could be a deal breaker. It would be for me and my H...


You are absolutely right. An EA is very painful and constitutes cheating, in my book. I see many ppl who will work things out after an EA, more so than with A PA, but I have to agree with you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Concerning my guy's EA..........

I did see e-mails, texts and FB entries and private messages from both Before ME and After ME time periods. What I find interesting is that I never found any sexting or suggestive photos sent between the two of them, even he told that Pre ME, they did have sex 3 times (very unsatisfactorily, he assures me)

So even though they continued to see each other after we started going out AND she was supposed to be just a friend by then, I don't find anything that would suggest that they had had sex after we had started going out. 

I can't decide whether they did not not during the After he met started dating me phase.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dellia said:


> You are absolutely right. An EA is very painful and constitutes cheating, in my book. I see many ppl who will work things out after an EA, more so than with A PA, but I have to agree with you.


I know it would be the end for me, even if ''there was no sex"...Cripes, I've been having a hard enough time getting past my H lying to me about porn/his past; let alone an affair!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

5Creed said:


> Yes; I am the one who filed. I could not get past the fact that he had been doing this behind my back for so long. He also lied about some other things that had to do with her. He was so protective of her and the relationship and it felt like he threw away those 22 years of marriage out the window. I think I am feeling guilty today for not trying harder and working things out with him. I know some people do it; but I just can't. We have other issues as well; a familiar story on TAM. He wants to work things out-and it would be better for my kids for us to live closer to him-but this was a deal breaker for me. Sigh.


He did throw it away...And don't feel guilty. You are very strong, and for that, I commend you. The people that stick around trying to work things out, are very often too afraid to end things; sometimes there are children involved, or a sense of "I owe it to the marriage, we've been together so long...". Personally, I don't agree with those things. And I wouldn't feel guilty, either. He should be the one feeling guilty!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> He did throw it away...And don't feel guilty.* You are very strong, and for that, I commend you. The people that stick around trying to work things out, are very often too afraid to end things;* sometimes there are children involved, or a sense of "I owe it to the marriage, we've been together so long...". Personally, I don't agree with those things. And I wouldn't feel guilty, either. He should be the one feeling guilty!


I find it interesting that in other circles online or offline, most people interpret raising an issue about your relationship to your partner suggests that you're insecure, and, therefore, a loser.

I have responded that no, an insecure person simply puts their head in the sand.

Maybe someone can explain where this crazy assumption comes from.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Yes - insecure, jealous, the list goes on. Better I guess, to ignore signs/feelings, and get cheated, instead of defining boundaries.

But a lot of it comes with experience. 10 years ago (heck, 5!), I'd never have had the guts to bring up things like boundaries with a man; I'd have been scared to make him mad at me.

Maybe that assumption comes from the belief that those who raise issues with their partners are simply trouble makers; looking for problems.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

5Creed said:


> Yes; I am the one who filed. I could not get past the fact that he had been doing this behind my back for so long. He also lied about some other things that had to do with her. He was so protective of her and the relationship and it felt like he threw away those 22 years of marriage out the window. I think I am feeling guilty today for not trying harder and working things out with him. I know some people do it; but I just can't. We have other issues as well; a familiar story on TAM. He wants to work things out-and it would be better for my kids for us to live closer to him-but this was a deal breaker for me. Sigh.


Sorry to hear of what happened. It sounds like you have already made your decision. Don't feel bad. Some people will reconcile after an EA and others simply won't. There is no wrong or right answer. Each person/couple is different.

You will have good days and bad days. Know that you will come out stronger no matter how this shakes out. And life does go on.


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