# On the edge of divorce



## dadinthehat (Jan 12, 2012)

Before I go into this unpleasant stuff, I wanted to say hi first 

For the sake of my privacy, I won't be giving out specific details about myself and my wife, but I will do the best I can on explaining things.

We do have children together and have been together for quite some time now. Our relationship was EXTREMELY fast in the beginning, and we were both coming out of failed long-term relationships when we met. So no, no real time to take a break as individuals and sort out our own personal business before dating. We became very attached to each other in less than a month and began telling each other we loved each other in that same month too. 

All in all, as our family grew, we fell out of husband/wife mode and grew apart emotionally. The wife is a good mother for the most part, and I'm a good dad for the most part. Nobody's perfect.. but we weren't good in the marriage department at all. Lots of fighting over money (usually a lack of) and other things.. but what really drove a wedge between us is the behavior she started displaying over the years.

She became extremely insecure, controlling and sometimes out and out nasty with the things she would say. A lot of passive aggressive comments about how I did something, or something I wanted to do that excited me (for example, I wanted to write a book). Using any fault from our past where I did something she didn't like was always enough reason to verbally beat me over the head over and over again for years. She wouldn't stop until she got an apology for something that happened and couldn't be changed no matter how many times I could apologize for it. 

Like an idiot, I felt she was right about what her perception of me was. I really did believe I was this horrible person who can never do anything right. Over the years, as my freedoms faded away, as my friends faded away and were afraid to come by or call, as all my hobbies faded away, as my confidence faded away, as my self respect faded away... it all got replaced with depression and frustration. I took to drinking for awhile and honestly... I've never liked alcohol in my life before then. I knew something wasn't right.

The whole unfolding of my life and marriage messed me up for a very long time... but I was so afraid of her for some reason... I couldn't confront her or be honest with her about how this person she had become was slowly destroying the family unit, her and myself. 

Neither of us cheated on one another or anything stupid like that, but she was always in my business looking for something to accuse me of doing wrong. I can count on my hand the number of times I did anything truly "wrong", and those wrong things usually involved my cigar habit I couldn't kick... so I would sneak a cigar here and there and got caught a total of 4 times.

It wasn't until a couple years back that I finally decided that I can't take it anymore. And my kids are very well aware of when mom and dad are not getting along. When they come home from school, I can almost sense they would have been happier staying at a friends house instead of being there. All in all, it's not fair to anyone at that point; everyone is unhappy and the kids will definitely suffer the most for the longest. With this in mind, I have recently come to the conclusion that it's time to put an end to this cycle before it truly destroys the family.

I asked her some time back to go to marriage counseling.. which she didn't want to. I decided that I would go to counseling for myself then. It was a good move. My counselor really got me to start thinking for myself again and stop enabling her emotional abuse.. her grip on my ability to be myself.

We went to marriage counseling regularly within the last couple of years and it just never really stuck. It was better for a bit, but then it would start falling apart again.

I'm aware of my wrongdoings in this marriage, and I am certainly man enough to lay them on the table and claim them as mine. I can't and don't expect the same of her willingly though.. it does take some serious breaking down of her defenses to get her to own anything she's done. It's that resistance to acknowledging that she has emotional issues that need to be addressed sooner than later that has played a major part in the downfall of our marriage. What's worse is that I see her temper in the kids from time to time... I hear them talk to each other in the same tone with the same kind of disdain.

I'm scared right now. Won't lie on that one. Not angry, not sad, not confused.. but just scared. It will be the first time in many many years that I will be on my own, and I'm scared of how the kids could very easily get used as pawns of manipulation at any point as this moves forward.

I told her that I want a divorce a few days ago. I was expecting her to tear my head off honestly... but instead she's suddenly acting like there's no problems with us and she's trying to be a perfect little angel. That's too little too late for that.

Now there you have it; that's my story. I'm not sure why I signed up and just said all this, but I felt compelled to do so. I'm attempting to reach out and get back in touch with some of my pals that I used to work with years back... I need some of my old friends around for support on this. But I also welcome any support given here.

Thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like your wife did not take the threat to your marriage seriously when going to MC. 

You are in a sad place indeed. One thing about the divorce is that you can push for 50/50 physical custody. This is give time to influence your children without their mother and her anger around. It could help them quite a bit. You could get them in counseling as well. THey need to learn that their mother's nasty attitude is not ok and how to handle it.


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

well I know what it is like to want out of a marriage. and having been used as a pawn in my own parents divorce, all i can say is if and when your wife tries to use the kids as pawns, be supportive, it takes two people to make a child a pawn. If one of the parents does not play, usually it does not work


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