# Betrayed Men - how do we forgive?



## alias

I have another thread going in the infidelity forum entitled "wife had affair, divorce or hope?", so if you want to read the whole story, go there. 

Essentially, I am looking to hear from men who decided to stay with their wives after her affair and how it's going / went for you. 

It's terrifying to think about, taking a chance on a new life with the woman who did this to me, but the alternative, divorce and ending what was once a good and true relationship is just as scary.

I specifically would like to hear first hand accounts from guys in my shoes but welcome all advice. 

Thanks.


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## This is me

Mine likely had an EA, and disconnected from me. She shocked me with the D word and this is how it all unfolded. After a year of working on it, I concluded she had a MLC which put her in a fog.

She is back now after 4 months seperation and things are good.

I am not sure if I would feel the same about a PA. Although an EA can be just as damaging, a PA is something that leaves more of a visual. So if this is you situation, I hope someone can share with you their experience.


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## 4311

I have not been through this exactly but do have experience in this area in other ways. My experience has taught me to always, always examine and re-examine what you think you want to do. I haven't read your other thread but if your wife is asking for forgiveness and another chance, and you still love her, I would consider this very seriously before making any decisions. Yes, she made a mistake but that didn't happen in a bubble. I am not trying to take away her responsibility but there were obviously some stresses in the marriage. If she is now asking for another chance I suggest that you consider it. Things can be forgiven and feelings can be healed. If there is love that is worth a lot. You have a potential here to work through this, most likely with counseling, and bringing your marriage to a higher level than before.


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## toolforgrowth

In my case, I don't. 

My STBXW used separation as a means to get to the OM. She hid it from me while we were separated. I found out anyway. Divorce is proceeding. I have done the 180, lived for me, reconnected with a lady i knew many years ago who is awesome, and life goes on. 

The ex and I are in mediation. I flat out told her we will never be friends and I don't care what she wants. We just got our copies of the latest draft from the mediator. She texted me today (normally she is very quiet) saying there was a typo that works against me and that we can get it corrected. I didn't respond. A couple hours later she texted me again with the section # info. I again ignored her. My attorney will be looking over it shortly. I can't help but feel that she's trying to find some excuse to talk to me. Whatever. 

So no, in my case there is no forgiveness. This is what she wanted, so this is what she gets whether she likes it or not. It's called real life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

alias said:


> I have another thread going in the infidelity forum entitled "wife had affair, divorce or hope?", so if you want to read the whole story, go there.
> 
> Essentially, I am looking to hear from men who decided to stay with their wives after her affair and how it's going / went for you.
> 
> It's terrifying to think about, taking a chance on a new life with the woman who did this to me, but the alternative, divorce and ending what was once a good and true relationship is just as scary.
> 
> I specifically would like to hear first hand accounts from guys in my shoes but welcome all advice.
> 
> Thanks.


Yes alias there is hope and forgivness is very possible.
My wife told me to my face she did'nt love me,wanted the OM,said there was no hope.
She strung me along,sandbagged me,lied and...well I think you know how it goes.
My WW had a EA with ex hs bf,even met up with him four times in a K-Mart parking lot.
Yeah I know how it sounds but I do know physically nothing happened but does that matter? She still gave her love to him.
She has come around all the way,remorse,regret,transparency.....everything.
She knows how stupid it was.
Its going decent with us but its a long story and if you need to talk feel free to PM me or my wife,yes she's on Tams also and it has helped greatly.
There is hope and relationships CAN turn around and people do fall back in love.
Dont give up,I'm glad I did'nt.
Message me if you feel the need.
Take care friend...I'm sorry this is happening to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer

I struggle with this, but am fairly well down the road to forgiveness.

A few pointers. First, is define what forgiveness is to you. For me, it’s a broad spectrum of levels of acceptance. At the upper end of the meter is true forgiveness. That means it no longer really effects your perspective of her or influences your decisions. Then there is an infinite amount of ‘acceptance’ below that. You’ve basically got to start at the bottom and work your way to the top. There isn’t a shortcut.

A biggy; Her ‘Why”. She needs to work really hard on that one. Also note the “why” changes as she continues to dig. They’ll be shallow excuses at first and often blaming the marriage or you for her choices.. That’s the foggy talk. Keep at it until she starts saying ‘insecurity issues’ or things like that; Then question and have her dig deeper to the roots of why she might feel that way.

Another is “Who, what, when, where.” You’ll need to ask questions until you are out of them or they aren’t important. This will help you accept what happened and gets rid of the ‘what if’ scenarios and fears of the unknown where your brain is more than happy to think of what might ‘fit’ into the those blank pages. Easier to deal with reality and cold hard facts.

Then there is ‘time’. This part sucks. It is going to take a whole new history of positive experiences before you’ll feel able to predict future behavior and feel secure. This is the rebuilding trust part; Which feeds into forgiveness. 

And the other important step is “How is she going to fix this in herself.” You are going to have to feel secure that she has resolved the issues. There is no magic pill. Changes take a lot of time. This will be revisited over and over; “How do you feel about it now? What’s different now?” kinds of questions you’ll need the answer too and it should change over time as she works on it. 

Obviously, there is a hell of a lot more to it than that, but that’s the basics in a nutshell. There will be a ton of obstacles and hurdles as well as back tracking. So, try to see things in the overall ‘gains and advances’ in the progress instead of latching onto specific screwups.


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