# Navy husband divorcing me then discovered he has and is cheating on me



## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Well its been a rough four years of marriage. I thought I knew this guy and believed we would be married for the rest of our lives. Boy was that a foolish naive thought! I didn't know him very well at all!

I gave my all for this relationship. Going to personal counciling, marriage counciling, considering anti-depressants for when my father passed because I was depressed. I made so many changes just for him and he hardly did anything in return.

He shoved all his responsibility onto me and treated me like I was his pet slave. He emotionally and verbally abused me and then just when I was starting to see our marriage get better he goes to sea again.

And we leave things hanging and suddenly sea duty is almost over and he says I want a divorce. Obviously, he had been thinking about it for awhile but it was sudden and blunt. Like being punched in the gut. Part of me was like finally thank god yes and another part of me was aghast and distraught. 

I asked if we could work on things. I was willing to do what I could to help make it work. I was very understanding even when he was saying nasty things and trying to name call me in email. Yes, he did the coward's route and broke up OUR marriage through email. *rolls eyes*

So right when he gets back after he has thrown me out of my own home and I was lucky my mom was willing to let me move back with her. I discover he is cheating on me with some girl that worked on the aircraft carrier with him.

It explains why he wanted a divorce! And I discovered the affair had been going on for at least two months before he confronted me in email about getting a divorce. Oh and get this he already asked the girl to marry him and gave her a ring.

Oh and even better she might have been/is married or is getting a divorce herself.

So here I stand about to finish up the divorce papers in a few days and mail them in. And I'm mind ****ed from all this. My eyes are open to what went on in the marriage and what is going on now...

I know I shouldn't judge what I have done in the past as it can't be changed. I should see it as a learning experience. That my ex is a scum bag and that I am better off without him. Still...

I truly feel depressed even suicidal at times. No, I can't afford a therapist. He is taking me off military id card so therefore I have no dental, no medical nor counciling I can do. I've looked into free ones and there is none! I don't see jack anything on it.

And as for paying for one...I don't got a job let alone health insurance so I can't pay for it and no I can't ask my mom for 120 dollars each time I want to see the therapist.

I've tried talking with a few friends but my best friend is sitting there judging me and not listening...its only making me feel more depressed. (Formerly I use to self harm long story...)

So I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I feel like the people around me don't get me, aren't listening and are too busy shoving their opinions at me and judging me to hear me speak my mind freely. I just don't feel safe to share my feelings with them.

Tried journaling and its sort of helped but not enough to stop the depression. My mom makes me go out at least three times a week which generally makes improvement on my mood.

Otherwise I am stuck in the house playing my online video game, allowing fantasy world to suck me in so I don't have to think about anything.

I'm seeking advice and especially from anyone who has been through this before and would be able to help me feel not so alone in my pain and know what to do.

Sincerely,

Mind ****ed ex-navy wife


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Umm you need to get in touch with his CO asap. He doesn't get to decide what benefits you are off or how. lol he has no control over any of that, and especially if he is committing adultery. I bet his CO would love to hear this story.

If you don't have proof, try to find some, try to find her name, some emails, phone records, something. Then call his commanding officer. 

If your home is off base, the Navy can intervene and make him move back on post in the barracks and you back into the house. If you live on post then he has NO authority to make you leave post housing. Fact! 

You do not lose ANY benefits until the divorce is final.

Call his CO NOW!


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Oh the divorce is almost final? Oops I did not read all I guess. I hope that atleast you DID do some of those things I suggested. Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ok, you're the dependent spouse of an active servicemember in the navy. I would hold off on mailing in those divorce papers. I'm assuming you were or are in base housing, so I don't see how he could have you thrown out of there. In fact, I see that as impossible. Only the base commander has the authority to do that thru the housing office. Do you have any children? Is there a Family Support center at the base? How about contacting his CO and the JAG? Adultery is still an offense under the UCMJ, and exposing the A to his superiors would really open his eyes and lead to some consequences. 

So don't mail in those divorce papers yet, you will lose all your benefits if you do. Make use of your benefits now! Go to the JAG! See a lawyer. Protect yourself and your children if you have them. Do not let him railroad you into divorce and get off scot free.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Moon.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Know that you aren't the first nor will you be the last person to go through this.

Time to start thinking practically:

Your divorce is final in a few days. Make sure you agree w/ everything stated in it. If not, get your lawyer to help you out stating what you do not agree to. If you can, you could talk to his commanding officer re: the benefits and his adultery.

Get a job (if you don't have one). Start making your own money, saving, and get your own place, go to school, pick up a hobby.

Stop staying inside all day playing videos. Yes, fantasy is nice, but you need to face your reality. Go outside, get fresh out, ring up an old friend. 

Surround yourself with positive people and energy.

Exercise.

It may *seem* like the world is ending but it's not. It's just getting started for you, baby! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

It will and does get better. Promise


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

I agree with what everyone else is saying! Until your divorce is final you are still entitled to all military benefits!! Go on base and get all the help you need! I am going through a similar situation myself. I have been married 8.5 years to my STBX who's in the Marine Corps although he didn't take my id card he did ask for a divorce through a text message!! What a coward when your suppose to be some bad ass marine! I did just seek counsenling today which tricare doesn't usually cover for marriage counseling but I do have depression since were we are stationed I don't have any family and how he went about telling me he wanted a divorce I'm pretty much in shock! So please get help while you still have your benefits till the day it's final! If you ever need anyone to talk to your more than welcome to contact me! It's hard not having anyone..


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Hey just checked replies right now. Thank you all for your help and information. 

I did indeed get in contact with what is called the Ombudsman and she supposedly contacted his command. However, a month and a half later I see that his command and that Ombudsman are doing nothing at all. I thought to myself 'He is going to get away with this!' I was outraged that he could put me through hell, deny me money for the last two months (BAH) and sleep with some disgusting woman on the ship...and just get away with it.

I went instead to counciling on base a day ago. Oh and I didn't send the papers in yet! I delayed as I considered my options.

I spoke with the councilor about the situation. She said what he is doing is against Naval law of course however she was more concerned about "Domestic Abuse" which is what he has done to me.

I know I should have known however I have never dealt with this so I didn't know about that information.

She sent me to the Navy's victim unit called "Family Advocate Program". I spoke with the department head who is going to see this case personally. I am gathering all my evidence that I have including the emails I saved (screen shots for the win as the cheesy gamer slogan goes). And the police report I made on the day he threatened to have me killed. I neglected to mention that he was so upset that I discovered he was cheating that he called a mutual friend and asked for me to be "taken out". He said he'd pay the friend.

I only know about the threat to my life because that mutual friend called me and explained his concern to me that my soon to be ex could be unstable and then explained about the hitman request.

Also I was able to get information about free counciling/medical and the department head is going to help me seek out a job in the meantime. 

I just finished all the unpacking basically of my stuff. And I am getting a restraining order on my husband next week. I will include my mom and Uncle in the restraining order in case he tries anything with my mom.

I am going to contact his command tomorrow hopefully to find out about BAH that my ex is neglecting to give to me. I was told by the advocate I spoke with that as a dependent I am entitled to that benefit and that if my husband refuses to pay and take care of his dependents he can get in trouble.

So that is where I stand now. I have been getting out more. And I have currently been taking long stretches from playing the online game. My best friend and my mom while they don't understand what I am going through they have been helpful in that they get me out of the house. I am also currently working on my evidence folder which includes taped phone calls of my ex's harassment of me. Including his texting threats as well.

I also wanted to mention that while he doesn't have the right to toss me out of the house...his emails contained threats about taking my things and/or that he was concerned he might hurt me. I left when he kept saying "you have the option" to leave. In essence yes I did leave but with the threat that he might hurt me I felt I had no other choice but to leave and I made sure to pack up all of my things a month before he came back from sea duty. 

Also I got an idea from a self-help book I'm reading, I made a few changes to my appearance since my ex would never let me it. I got my upper ear pierced and I had my hair dyed on the top and the ends but it is nothing crazy just a dark red that gives me a subtle look. I don't plan on doing much else but I will admit it has been therapeutic to do something that my ex has told me NO about. He's told me no about a lot of things and controlled everything from how I ate to spoke to dressed to emotionally handled things. No more do I have to endure this man's narcissistic controlling ways. I thank god everyday for getting me out of a bad situation.

Also I informed the doctor on base about the affair my ex had and my suspicion that he has been sleeping with countless others due to the photos of women on his hard drive that I took a look at before I moved out. I am waiting on test results of HIV and STD stuff. I fairly confident that I have nothing but make no mistake if I discover he gave me something because of his careless disgusting behavior I will make certain he gets his just rewards...hopefully he looses his Naval career. However, I'm more concerned about taking care of myself and moving on rather than revenge at this point. 

Still I am enraged and I go through bouts of hating him and at other times I do miss him as crazy as it sounds. There was one time we loved each other...I remember that time and it makes me so sad. I will never take him back ever! He destroyed my trust and faith in him as a decent human being.

I shall try to give another update when I have more information.

Thank you!

-Moon


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

Im in the military currently serving active duty, i can see if your entitled to a temp medical even though you only been married for him 4 yrs and if he kick you out of his home and your are still married i would try to contact his command for lack of spousal support. Have you tried the Navy legal in this link: Legal Services | U.S. Navy JAG Corps

and contact a worklife staff rep, dont listen to him if he' telling you that you have no rights as a dependent to use any resources from the military trust me on that.


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## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

and yes your ex-navy husband really defines "scumbag" i was prior Navy and still currently Coast Guard. Next time marry a Coastie, they take care of you.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

As a retired military member I will tell you he can't take you off your entitlements(medical etc) until the divorce is over with. As for BAH/Salary, JAG or Family Services would have to tell what you are entitled to and you get their help until marriage is over. If you get BAH then you live off base but if on base he also would have to leave the house because its for families not individual servicemen.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I am retired military.

As far as BAH, this is for housing for him and his dependents (you). This does not entitle you to the BAH funds, per say. It means that he receives a housing allowance for him and his dependents.

He should be providing some type of support, especially if he has kicked you out of the martial home. It is going to be very bad for him, when he gets to court and he is unable to show the judge any type of support - a judge will probably sock it to him.

Family Services or the JAG will not get involved in a divorce. This is strictly a civil matter for civilian authorities. They will be unable to legally advise you or represent you in any matter.

What you are entitled to will be determined by a civilian court in lieu of what they are/are not allowed to provide. For example - a civilian court cannot direct the military medical care system to provide you with extended medical care once a divorce is granted (TRICARE). They can award you medical care that he has to pay for - but their hands are tied on the TRICARE issue - they cannot make TRICARE continue coverage, but can make him pay for medical coverage, including TRICARE for divorced spouses that lets you can carry up to 36 months after the divorce, at your or his expense.

If he is continuing to draw BAH and is separated, but not yet divorced, there are instances where he can get single-rate BAH, or in the event of him residing in base housing, he has to vacate it.

Adultery (if you are active duty) is punishable under the UCMJ - if proven, he will get into trouble under the military justice system. But this will be a separate action that will have nothing to do with your civil divorce.

If you still have an active dependent ID card, then you can avail yourself of the services on-base that are offered to all family members (I work in the Family Services area), but no military agency will advise you on divorce action to take or advise you in any divorce action - they are not permitted to do so.

You will need to speak with a civilian attorney and have a civilian attorney represent you in any divorce case. 

The only way his pay can be attached is from a court order through DFAS, from a civilian judge. No one else can attach his pay for support, etc., until a signed court order is presented to DFAS. 

Good luck, if you have any other questions - PM me and I'll give you some resources.

Some to start with: militaryonesource.com can offer advice and also free counseling services; in addition, each military base has a Military Family Life Consultant which also offers free counseling (including marital). Contact your local Family Services office for their contact information.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

moonshadegold said:


> Hey just checked replies right now. Thank you all for your help and information.
> 
> I did indeed get in contact with what is called the Ombudsman and she supposedly contacted his command. However, a month and a half later I see that his command and that Ombudsman are doing nothing at all. I thought to myself 'He is going to get away with this!' I was outraged that he could put me through hell, deny me money for the last two months (BAH) and sleep with some disgusting woman on the ship...and just get away with it.
> 
> ...


Good for you for taking action, doing good things for yourself and being strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Hi just checked responses. 

I understand about the BAH and medical coverage. I meant some type of $ support not BAH (must have been tired when I typed up the other response ). I cannot afford a lawyer period. I have no income at all! I am going to contact JAG this coming Tuesday. 

As for his adultery from what they say unless I've got a witness, the screen shot emails and pictures are not enough to get him on adultery charges in the Navy. This was told to me by the Ombudsman. However, when I go to JAG on Tuesday I will present the evidence in person including the taped harassing phone calls and texting threats. Hopefully they can advise me further on this issue.

As for him taking care of me, he has not sent me anything and he is still living in our house. I will contact housing to inform them of the separation seeing as he shouldn't be allowed to keep the house if he is no longer going to be married. I contacted his command today and they said they can only talk with him but can't force him to "support" me. 

Once divorce is final I cannot afford anything medical coverage wise period so as for me paying for medical that's a no go. The last job I had was a part time job, no medical coverage and I was paid minimum wage.

I have very little job experience but I do have an Associate's Degree...sigh... I'll see what I can do with the Advisor who will hopefully direct me get some idea for jobs in my location.

My ex's lawyer says my ex will pay me twice a month 250 for 24 months. However there will be no medical coverage and I will loose of course the base tags and ID.

I can get my allergy medication OTC but as for "female" issues as far as I know I will not be able to pay an OB/GYN to treat me. Nor can I afford counciling.

The advisor is supposed to help me find free counciling and discuss a few places I can go to get medical help without loosing what little I have like my car to pay for a medical bill.

Marital counseling is a no go at this point. He cheated and has been sleeping with countless others. Its the end of story. Maybe if he hadn't of done that but even so he said he doesn't want to be married to me and wants me to "get out of his life". Disgusting....

We shall see how it goes once I speak with JAG and the advisor on Tuesday plus get my restraining order on him. 

I of course want to of all things go shop at the NEX see if there is anything I want before I loose my privileges.


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## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

Oct 5, 2011 Update - October 20th is when the divorce is finalized. I have a lot of emotions rolling through me but the biggest is relief and the freedom. Though I sort of feel like I've traded one prison for another. 

A new situation is going on with my mother. I have to move out and get my own place but I can't afford a place even with a job. Minimum wage is not enough for an apartment and to pay for all my needs too. 

So I feel trapped, resentful and I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts. Its only happened twice in the last week but its been really rough. My mother has been verbally abusing me since I moved back in with her. 

Also she is talking about moving out of her house and its going to a mobile home but it will possibly be far away from jobs I can get with my education and experience. Also the school I'm trying to go to will be very far away. 

The reason she wants to move is because our water pipes burst and to fix them we need to repipe. Four-thousand is the lowest the plumber will go. Even if she can pay that amount it means she has less money for retirement for when she is old enough for social security. Also social security will only be 400-500 dollars per month.

Also the house is having termite problems, flooding problems, ant problems, electricity problems, no central air or heat (not even a fireplace). 

She thinks moving is the best idea but even if we manage to somehow land a good mobile house and can fit our furniture and stuff in it...there is no guarantee that I will find work there or be able to go to school. Which means I end up even more stuck with her. 

I feel helpless and trapped and I am applying for jobs everywhere but to no avail. 

If you have any ideas on how to figure this out so I don't end up ending my life I'm all ears.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Stay positive. theres always something good around the corner.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Apply for financial aid from the school you want to attend and see if you can get enough to cover living expenses in a dorm.

Also, look for a roommate on craigslist.


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## Nikki1023 (Sep 24, 2011)

Hey, every time I mail in a claim to Tricare..theres a box to check on who you are..and there is one that says "former spouse". You should call them up and ask them how much it would be to maintain your benefits through them. Sorry you have to go through this.

Your not the only one out there though, Ive seen tons of marriages ended by deployments. ( Mine might be as well) The truth is if someone isnt too happy in their marriage, and they are away from their spouse..they really feel the grass is greener on the other side. He dosent want to see and confront you, thats why he wanted you out of the house. Cowardly.

Im assuming you dont have any kids? I know you might not want to hear this, but consider yourself lucky that you didnt bring any children in the world with this sc*M bag..you are now free to find love and happiness...and could forget about the jerk off.

Good luck!


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