# My wife's one night stand.



## hansolio

Hey All,

I am new to this forum or any for that matter. I am just in need of some advice/uplifting comments. My wife of 3yrs together for 6, unfortunately had a drunken ONS. I work nights and weekends, she works days during the week. We rarely have time for each other. We have 2 amazing children that keep us busy when we are together. My wife and I are very similiar when it comes to discussing our frustrations within our relationship, and that is we don't discuss them. We hold things in until one of us snaps. We are younger in age and had our first child in the last year of our college careers, so life began very quickly for us. So its been a long rough journey for us and now that we don't spend much time together things have been drifting apart. We were once amazing together and other couples would get jealous of this. Just over the weekend while I was at work some of her friends got together to celebrate the graduation of some friends at our former college. She got drunk and ended the night with another man. She came home sobbing in tears and told me what happened. She says I am not using drinking as an excuse, but if I wasn't it would have never happened. She says with us drifting apart over the last few months she has been feeling lonely and this guy she never met before just seemed to do all the right things that night. She tells me over and over that she is not using drinking as the excuse but it aided in the decision. When she came home she was sobbing to no end and of course I flew off the handle and left for a few hours. When I came back I sat down and talked to her, I told her I know things were rough between us and the affection died off due to me not being there. I still don't understand why she made the decision in the end, but in some sort of weird way I can understand, cuz of the way things were going. I want to forgive her badly, it just like everyone else says its a constant flow of emotions that keep cycling through my head. One minute I want to fix it and the next I want to run away. Her actions from this event have been giving me hope that I can get over this. She took 3 days off of work to stay with me. Constantly sobbing, not eating well, doesn't sleep well, lies around, Keeps saying she hates herself for doing what she did to me. She has already called and scheduled couseling for us. She told me that its horrible to say it like this, but by doing such a dumb thing it made her realize how much she loves me and how she really messed up a good thing. By her doing that it also opened my eyes and made me realize that I wasn't being the husband I know I could be. Is that strange of me? We both know problems with communicating with each other has drifted us apart and is most likely the reason for the ONS. Does anyone feel like she has/is showing deep regret and knows she was very wrong. I am sorry for rambling my mind is in a million places. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I am to ashamed to let anyone know about this. The only person I have been talking to is my wife and its only making her depression/regret worse. Mainly becuz its about how I am feeling and its hurting her even more for what she did. Any help/thoughts? Thanks


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## Humble Pie

she seems to me like she is very remoseful from her actions by which you describe her behavior following this event. You seems to give her some acceptance of this action by your own behavior. If you truely belief this incident will bring you closer together, than start the counseling and work on getting your relationship together.

However, major boundaries and rules must be placed on your wife. Firstly, no more going out with her friends for drunken nights of fun. Maybe even cutt of these friends who are destructive in your marriage.


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## bandit.45

If she wants to stay married to you, she needs to work on her lack of boundaries, and she was lacking in these boundaries long before the two of you ever got together, so don't accept the blame for her poor choices! 

Having said that, you two need counseling big time -- especially you, because the mental images are going to torture you for the next three years or more. You need independent counseling to help you deal with the triggers and mind movies.

Her sh*tty friends have to go.... forever. No more parties, no more nightclubs, no going anywhere without you for the next three or four years. Tell her the marriage is, for now, on hold and she is on probation. 

She has to *earn* your forgiveness by continuing to show remorse and doing everything she can, every day, to prove to you she deserves to be your wife. The onus is on her. Don't give your forgiveness away cheaply like I did when my wife cheated on me two years into our marriage. I should have made her earn her way back into my heart; but I didn't and I'm paying for it now, all these years later.


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## jnj express

Falling down drunks know right from wrong---alcohol is absolutely no excuse

The state of your mge is no excuse

For what she has done here is to cheat on her own children, she knew what she was doing, from the time she started to flirt, she went thru a stop sign, to excessive conversation/staying with the guy, was going thru another stop sign---for I am sure she spent a good amount of time with him, and he being a PUA, knew exactly what he was doing, but as has already been said---your wife had no boundary-

--going further, I am sure they did not have sex in front of everyone else at the party, so he had to induce her to go somewhere private----she went---she went thru another stop sign-----she had to find a place/bed/floor/backseat of car/top of table--wherever, to have the sex---another stop sign run---

-she probably took some clothes off---went thru another stop sign----foreplay---another stop sign---the act itself, the last stop sign----except protection----that, sometimes jolts one out of their fog---except if she had unprotected sex---which also means, you need to get checked--------your wife went thru stop sign after stop sign---this did not just happen---your wife chose to make each and every decision to allow it to happen, and possibly even to make sure it happened

Once again, she knew what she was thinking, she knew she was possibly tossing her mge away, you along with it---but the biggest wrong here---is she has very possibly committed your children to a life of misery/unhappiness/split homes/shared custody

She knew all of these things were consequences of her act---and she still let the guy inside of her, and she still committed each and every action necessary to get to the place where the guy entered her.

Sure you can start a new mge---if both of you figure out how to adjust work schedules, so you can have A LOT MORE TIME TOGETHER----and fix whatever marital problems you both think need fixing---but that isn't the main question is it----can you get over this---will your sub-conscious allow you to get over this----will she be able to portray any semblance of a normal woman around you---right now she is wracked with guilt, shame and heavy remorse

These things have to disappear in front of your kids, even now they know something is not right ---how long can the 2 of you both tap dance in front of them----they know the carefree in your mge., is gone---they know the peace of mind for the both of you is gone

Your wife needs to get to an IC, even more than the MC----and then you need to NOT JUST GO TO A COUNSELOR---there are many, bad counselors out there, who will just suck up your money, and waste your time---choice of a counselor---needs to be looked into---just do not go run off and engage a counselor---they need to know what they are doing---they have your future in their hot little hands.

I won't sugar coat this for you---you have a long, hard road to go down, no matter which way you go---this will take 2 to 5 years, just to be in a reasonable state---and tho you may forgive---you will never forget----and as I need to stress---your kids have to be put above all of this--

---good luck to you, however you choose---I hope you do get back some semblance of your happiness, somewhere down the line!!!!!


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## Almostrecovered

please read the newbie link in my signature

understand that this will take years to recover from, even if it was only one night of betrayal

you need the following to have a shot at R

1) No contact with OM
2) complete transparency
3) true remorse and 100% blame of the affair taken on by your wife
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time with each other to rebond


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## happyman64

HanSolio,

"May the Force Be with You!"

But seriously you are being given some good advice.

The ONS is 100% her. And you should tell her how hr actions hav hurt you badly. She should be upset with her selfish actions and beat herself up. MC is exactly what you both need but she needs IC to find out why she acted on the ONS.

The good news (yes there is good news in this crappy situation) is that she came home, told you the truth right away and was devastated by what she did to you. Many cheaters never do this unless caught. The fact that she was upset and remorseful to you is a good sign that she knows what she did was wrong to you. your marriage and that she has hurt your family!!

Fix your relationship. If you can forgive her for the ONS and that decision should take some time in your thought process then by all means work on your marriage.

But your wife needs serious counselling to establish boundaries with the opposite sex and alcohol.

The marriage issues you both own 50%. The ONS is her problem 100%.

Good Luck and Keep Posting.

HM64


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## JustWaiting

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to move on and flourish in a relationship. I hope you flourish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt

Just some words of caution: 

1. You are just at the begining of dealing with this issue, you are going to have some big downs in dealing with this so prepare yourself.

2. As bandit stated " Your wife needs to change, new boundaries, commitments etc.." Is she ready to do the work or is she simply putting on the emotional show to gather your sympathy. Sorry some spouses use the emotions as the way to fix the relationship and never do the work to fix what they did. They then feel because the felt remorse that is all that is required.

3. Take care of yourself, mentally, physically this is going to take a toll on you.

Just some thoughts.

I am sorry this happened to you and Good Luck.


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## Shaggy

I can tell from your post that you are desperately seeking the things that are broken so you can fix them and put this behind you.

Slow down, because right now you are in shock, and so is she.

As JNJ, said above both of you need to stop and realize the betrayal didn't happen when she let him inside her. It happened way way back earlier in the night when she wasn't so drunk. It happened when she chose to accept another man close enough to flirt with her, to get her excited, to kiss her, to entice her to come with him, and when she chose to kiss back and touch back , and to go with him to a secluded place to have sex.

The sex is ultimate betrayal, but the betrayal started a long time before, and before she was that drunk.

I also don't think she has remorse, I don't think she has regret for hurting you.

I think she has shame for herself because now she's knows how low she is capable of going.

I think she has disappointment in herself for choosing to cheat.

I think she has fear that you will divorce her because she chose to let another man romance her, to come onto her, and to cheat with her.

Only later when the initial shame she has for herself has had time to work into her psyche, and I mean days and weeks, only after a while will she be ready to actually see the hurt it has caused you, the scar it will leave on your marriage and relationship forever.

How you will forever trigger when she goes out with friends, how you will never fully trust her when she is a little late, or a little drunk.

Only after she sees your hurt, and only after she deals with her own shame, will she be ready to feel remorse - but she also may never fell remorse for hurting you. She may stop at feeling bad for herself.

This is why it's too early to forgive her - because you don't yet actually know if she will feel remorse for hurting you like she has. For that you will have to wait and watch her.

You also will need to watch her forever, because once she's gotten over the discovery that she is that kind of woman, that she can let another man in, and can chose to go with him to have sex. She may very well decide that she can do it again,and wants to.

Right now what she's feeling in all about her and her shame. When and if you notice her being worried about how you are hurting - then you can talk to her about what to do about the marriage etc.


But right now, as you say, she's still not there for you. You can't talk to her, and she isn't putting any energy into helping you deal with the hurt, it's all about herself.

So right now - don't jump to forgiveness until it's truly earned -AND- recognize the difference between her feeling shame for discovering she is that kind of woman, and actually caring and empathy and remorse for you and how she chose betrayed you.


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## Shaggy

Oh, and want to bet the guy has her contact information and will be texting or calling to hook up again? 

I suggest if you can, find out who he was. You'll want to know so you're not looking at every stranger as the possible one she chose, you want to know which one he is.


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## BigLiam

Don't discount the possibility that the confession was prompted by her concern that enough of your mutual friends witnessed this that it was going to get back to you soon, anyway.
Some folks can get over this with time and work. For others , it is a dealbreaker. You probaby will not know where you stand on this for about 18 months. Once the fear and trauma lessen, you may realize that staying together will not work. Or, it may.
See your doc if you become depressed, have trouble eating, sleeping etc. Try to work out. Tell your boss if this is affecting your job performance.
Hang in there. This is a crushijng blow, not the minimal deal portrayed in movies and TV shows. This is one of life's major traumas.
And, as others point out, the drinking had nothing to do with this.


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## bryanp

This is sad news. You both now need to be tested for STD's. If she was that drunk then I am sure she did not use a condom.


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## iheartlife

bryanp said:


> This is sad news. You both now need to be tested for STD's. If she was that drunk then I am sure she did not use a condom.


You read my mind. No matter what she says happened during the ONS, you have to assume the worst for the specific purpose of protecting your health. She's admitting to touching someone else's body fluids / private parts. You have to also assume (again for health purposes) that she may have done this before this particular incident but just hasn't admitted it to you. I'm not saying she has. Just get the testing done.


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## morituri

A few things I want to elaborate on.

1. Seek professional help for yourself from a professional counselor who specializes in helping victims of infidelity to recover.

2. If the emotional roller-coaster becomes too much for you, go see your doctor to have him/her prescribe you AD (ant-depressants).

3. As bandit.45 said, you should tell your wife that your marriage is on probationary status and that there are no guarantees from you that you will not choose to divorce her later on if you deem it to be the only way for you to move on from the ordeal of her betrayal. She should have no illusions that this is going to be something that will be easy to overcome.

*4. Choose an MC (marriage counselor) who has a proven track record in helping couples with infidelity. I would go so far that once you find one to go to the first counseling session by yourself in order to gauge if this person will be putting more emphasis on the marital issues as an excuse for your wife's betrayal. If you find this to be the case, dump him/her from anymore counseling sessions and move on to find another. You have no idea what the magnitude of the damage that a bad MC can cause to a BS who is reeling from his/her spouse's betrayal. So caveat emptor - LET THE BUYER BEWARE.*

5. Forgiveness has nothing to do with R (reconciliation) and it does not absolve - wipe the slate clean - the unfaithful from facing the consequences of his/her betrayal including divorce. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself NOT to your unfaithful spouse. I forgave my ex-wife but chose to divorce her anyway. I did it to exorcise the demons of anger and bitterness from my heart so that I could heal and move on with my life.


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## bandit.45

If any of your friends, male or female, helped create this environment where this could happen, or even encouraged it, you need to find out and then personally eject them from your life and your wife's. It sounds like none of them stepped in to try to break her and the guy up, so they are no friends of yours. 

Another thing I need to mention is this; Its sounds like you are right out of college, so that means you are still a relatively young man. You ned to be questioning whether this woman can go the distance and be a companion and wife to you for the rest of your life. I'm thinking she doesn't have it in her. 

What Shaggy said is true: once the horror of what she has done has worn off, and she realizes she is not the woman she thought she was, her chances of cheating on you again are very high, because she will know how to get away with it the next time she is enticed by another man. 

You are young. You have 2 children with this woman. You have only been married a short time and have gone through no real hardships in your marriage until now. Think of it: if she is this weak just beacause you both have to work and cannot see each other, and she feels compelled to cheat on you....that is a sorry a*s reason to cheat and she knows it. She's already making excuses. The "we were drifting apart...." routine is right out of the Cheater's Bible, and funny that was the first excuse she came up with.

I'm not advocating splitting up with her. Maybe she is truly remorseful. Like Shaggy says, only time will tell if she is sincere in her remorse. 

But do you really want to risk the rest of your future on this woman? Think about that long and hard. It would be better to split up and work together as co-parents than face a marriage full of doubt and constant hypervigilance. Its just not a happy way to live a life.


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## BigLiam

Agree. You are young. You may want to bail. You have so many options.
The odds of having a happy marriage post cheating are fairly long(do some research andavoid the stats announced on the sites that want you to pay for their reconciliation services). 
And, you might want to consider having her take a polygraph. Most affairs go undiscovered. You know of one. Odds are there were others.


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## jnj express

If you are going to stay---and obviously, you need to take time to think everything thru------certain things most be done

You may not like what I will tell you now, but in the long run---it needs to be done, to the best of you ability to keep her from thinking about/trying to cheat again----You have to be very harsh---she has to know accountability---if she percieves in any way, shape, or form, you handled this weakly, she will cheat again knowing she can get away with what she has done--cuz basically, you did NOTHING, this time.-----You do not become mr. nice--guy---you do not become mr. lovey--dovey---she has to be punished, for now---If she had committed murder, there would be punishment---WELL SHE HAS MURDERED YOUR MGE---she has MURDERED THE LIVES YOUR CHILDREN ONCE KNEW---SHE HAS MURDERED YOUR SOUL, SHE HAS MURDERED YOUR TRUST IN OTHERS---for all of these things there must be accountability.

You are getting some harsh thoughts thrown at you---but if you were to read, on all the forums, from the beginning,of these forums, you will read that an A., treated with NO CONSEQUENCES, and just swept under the rug---was an A., THAT CONTINUED, or the cheater continued cheating with others----this must be treated harshly, especially in the beginning-----

Unless of course, you intend to D., then do what you will, and it may be that you cannot handle a future with this woman, only you can decide, how much misery you want to allow into your life

Your kids lives are changed no matter what---they will never be the same, cuz YOU will never be the same------your wife didn't just have a drunken ONS---she brought nuclear winter down upon her family, her so-called loved ones-----in stead of working out her problems, with her H, she goes and allows a PUA, to have his way with her-----

She blames herself and you for the drifting, and uses that as an excuse to destroy all of your lives-----at this point IMHO, the only one that needs counseling is your wife!!!!!!


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## morituri

One last thing, DON'T believe for a minute that you MUST choose R. This is not marriage builders where saving the marriage is paramount at all costs including at the expense of sacrificing the betrayed spouse's soul. Choosing to R or D doesn't make you any better or worse for it.


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## Jellybeans

Sorry to hear this happened in your marriage. 

If you both want to reconcile, get into Marriage Counselling and she must be completely transparent and never have contact with him again. She should tell you who he is so that you know. Both of you should work to strengthen your marriage if you choose to stay together.

Get tested for STDs.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> If any of your friends, male or female, helped create this environment where this could happen, or even encouraged it, you need to find out and then personally eject them from your life and your wife's. It sounds like none of them stepped in to try to break her and the guy up, so they are no friends of yours.


What if they did try & told her she was making a bad decision & she did it anyway?


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## TDSC60

Check for STD absolutely. Also you need to keep in mind that unprotected affair sex can and has resulted in pregnancy.


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## lordmayhem

No More Girls Night Out (GNO). If she goes out to a club, you go with her.
Complete Transparency. Who knows how many guys she gave her number to.
Drop the Toxic Friends (TFs) who enabled this encounter. Please don't tell me they didn't see her with this guy all night. Might have even encouraged her. If they tried to discourage her or stop her, then she doesn't drop them. But no more GNOs with them...ever.
STD Check - Drunken one night stand sex is almost always unprotected sex. That means he gave her a creampie.
Marriage Counseling to help you both to learn how to communicate and deal with your issues instead of always letting them build up


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## morituri

TDSC60 said:


> Check for STD absolutely. Also you need to keep in mind that unprotected affair sex can and has resulted in pregnancy.


Excellent point. Too many times a ONS has resulted in pregnancy so you should insist on her getting an pregnancy test.


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## donny64

BigLiam said:


> Agree. You are young. You may want to bail. You have so many options.
> The odds of having a happy marriage post cheating are fairly long(do some research andavoid the stats announced on the sites that want you to pay for their reconciliation services).
> And, you might want to consider having her take a polygraph. Most affairs go undiscovered. You know of one. Odds are there were others.


However, on the flip side, as most affairs do go undiscovered, would it really be wise to enter into a new relationship with a person of "unknown" honesty and integrity where new affairs could be undiscovered?

She screwed up royally. But she came to you with it right away. Maybe that was spurred on by fear that you'd find out somehow, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she just needed to tell you. There's something to be said for integrity. She screwed up, and then owned up to it without being cornered. I think that shows a lot.

If the the marriage was worth saving before this incident, then I believe from what you've said about this incident, I'd seriously consider working on this relationship and salvaging it.

I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have. 

Your wife did something EXTREMELY FEW cheaters will ever do....she owned up to it without being confronted. That, at least to me, shows me something of her character. But she now knows she has a problem controlling herself while drinking or in certain environments. She can't be trusted in these situations, and she can't trust herself to navigate through those environments anymore, she must know her limits, and remove the possibility of that ever happening again by not exposing herself to that. 

Were this to be a "ONS" that was really just the culmination of an EA or some situation where it had been allowed by her to build to this point over time where in effect she had been "straying" over a period of time, my advice would be different. But a drunken ONS where this thing started, happened, and ended in a single alcohol clouded night? Immediately after which she told you? I'd cut some slack in this situation. She would not be off the hook by any means, and there'd be some serious work ahead....but I'd cut her some slack and not go the nuclear option on her or the marriage.


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## jnj express

Flip side of last post----How drunk was she really---she got herself home after her sexcapade---so she was ok enuff to drive---and if you can drive, and use the thought processes to drive---you certainly are aware enuff about whether you are F'ing up a mge., by sleeping with a stranger---in this case a COMPLETE stranger, who could have raped her, physically abused her, who might have been a druggie, criminal, full of STD,---she has no idea, what she got herself into---she just went with him----that isn't using a whole lot of smarts., especially when you are the mother of young children.

As to the "outing" herself, there could be a whole lot of reasons, why she "outed" herself, and not all of them favoring her H/Mge.

In all actuality, with their schedule, of being by themselves all the time---she could have been having sex with others everyday of the week---her H. would never know---THEY WERE NEVER TOGETHER AS A H AND W.


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## bandit.45

Jellybeans said:


> What if they did try & told her she was making a bad decision & she did it anyway?


Then all the more reason to D her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

donny64 said:


> However, on the flip side, as most affairs do go undiscovered, would it really be wise to enter into a new relationship with a person of "unknown" honesty and integrity where new affairs could be undiscovered?
> 
> She screwed up royally. But she came to you with it right away. Maybe that was spurred on by fear that you'd find out somehow, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she just needed to tell you. There's something to be said for integrity. She screwed up, and then owned up to it without being cornered. I think that shows a lot.
> 
> If the the marriage was worth saving before this incident, then I believe from what you've said about this incident, I'd seriously consider working on this relationship and salvaging it.
> 
> I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have.
> 
> Your wife did something EXTREMELY FEW cheaters will ever do....she owned up to it without being confronted. That, at least to me, shows me something of her character. But she now knows she has a problem controlling herself while drinking or in certain environments. She can't be trusted in these situations, and she can't trust herself to navigate through those environments anymore, she must know her limits, and remove the possibility of that ever happening again by not exposing herself to that.
> 
> Were this to be a "ONS" that was really just the culmination of an EA or some situation where it had been allowed by her to build to this point over time where in effect she had been "straying" over a period of time, my advice would be different. But a drunken ONS where this thing started, happened, and ended in a single alcohol clouded night? Immediately after which she told you? I'd cut some slack in this situation. She would not be off the hook by any means, and there'd be some serious work ahead....but I'd cut her some slack and not go the nuclear option on her or the marriage.


:iagree:

I can't believe I'm agreeing with this, but here goes. As sh!tty and devastating as a drunken ONS is, because any betrayal is extremely hurtful, I would rather have had my wife do this. Rather than a deep EA/PA where she cotinued to lie, deceive, deny, plan, exchange "I love you" so many times, etc, etc. Or a full on deep EA/PA where the WS is so unremorseful, banging OM/OW on a frequent basis, contracting STDs, destroying the marriage and family, getting pregnant, etc. It could be much, much worse. 

I would never have imagined that I could actually forgive any infidelity, but I've come to realize there are degrees of infidelity and some are much worse than others to overcome.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> Then all the more reason to D her.


Yeah but if he/they don't want a divorce, then that isn't applicable here. 

And my point was, that you were saying the friends were basically bad people and should be axed completely. But what if the friends told her to NOT do it & she was making a bad decision & they weren't down with it at all and she did it anyway? The blame/bad peopleness (word?) doesn't lay on the friends.


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## bandit.45

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but if he/they don't want a divorce so that isn't applicable here.
> 
> And my point was, that you were saying the friends were basically bad people and should be axed completely. But what if the friends told her to NOT do it & she was making a bad decision & they weren't down with it at all and she did it anyway? The blame/bad peopleness (word?) doesn't lay on the friends.


True, but he would have to verify that himself, and it begs to question whether he would even care to expend the energy doing so when he could easily just disassociate with them. Its not like these people are essential to the survival and upkeep of the marriage. Friends come and go through life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah but if he/they don't want a divorce so that isn't applicable here.
> 
> And my point was, that you were saying the friends were basically bad people and should be axed completely. But what if the friends told her to NOT do it & she was making a bad decision & they weren't down with it at all and she did it anyway? The blame/bad peopleness (word?) doesn't lay on the friends.


:iagree:

We're making assumptions that her friends enabled her to go with the OM to have a ONS when we don't have evidence of this, yet. If later on the OP says that his wife's friends were giving her the green light and 'You go girl!' then I agree that they should be exorcised from her life.

Lastly, her friends are not her babysitters. She is a woman, an adult which means she knows the difference between right and wrong and is ultimately responsible for her actions and the consequences that come from them.


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## Jellybeans

bandit.45 said:


> True, but he would have to verify that himself, and it begs to question whether he would even care to expend the energy doing so when he could easily just disassociate with them. Its not like these people are essential to the survival and upkeep of the marriage. Friends come and go through life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. But making them out to be awful evil people when maybe they had nothing to do with it, isn't the answer.


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## jnj express

where is hansolio----he should be involved in this---after all it is his life we are discussing, and I am sure he could throw some light, on some of the things we are conjecturing about----If orig. post. want input---they should stay involved!!!!!


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We're making assumptions that her friends enabled her to go with the OM to have a ONS when we don't have evidence of this, yet. If later on the OP says that his wife's friends were giving her the green light and 'You go girl!' then I agree that they should be exorcised from her life.
> .


I agree. The entire point I am trying to make is that what if they WERE NOT ok with it? To autotmatically say they are bad/awful people is silly. But I agree if they were down with it and egged her on, ten they suck and are NOT friend's of the marriage. It's just people assume a lot.



morituri said:


> :Lastly, her friends are not her babysitters. She is a woman, an adult which means she knows the difference between right and wrong and is ultimately responsible for her actions and the consequences that come from them.


Oh I totally agree w/ that. The choice was hers and hers alone. Nobody held a gun to her head.


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## Hope1964

I may or may not have done a few things when I was drunk that I never would have if sober. But never did I cross a line like that. Inhibitions are lowered when alcohol is involved, very true. But using that as an excuse? No way. In my opinion, someone who cheats when drunk was simply doing what they secretly wanted to in the first place.

About the friends, let me paraphrase what Not Just Friends says about that - if they aren't friends of the marriage, they have to go. If they ARE friends of the marriage they should be cherished.


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## Trickster

Hope1964 said:


> I may or may not have done a few things when I was drunk that I never would have if sober. But never did I cross a line like that. Inhibitions are lowered when alcohol is involved, very true. But using that as an excuse? No way. In my opinion, someone who cheats when drunk was simply doing what they secretly wanted to in the first place.
> 
> About the friends, let me paraphrase what Not Just Friends says about that - if they aren't friends of the marriage, they have to go. If they ARE friends of the marriage they should be cherished.


I can believe this 100%...

My wife and I have our issues. Sometimes I would rather not even go home. For just a couple of times recently, I went to "Happy Hour" with a friend. Haven't done that in over 20 years.

The first time, I just had 2 beer over an hour period and went home. I talked to 2 women. No real big deal. My mind wandered a lot though. The second time, still only two beers and Spent a long time talking to one lady. In my mind... I already slept with her... so I left real quick. 

As bad as things are, it is never enough to give me a green light to cheat. I can see that anybody can make an excuse to why the strayed, but alcohol is not the reason. The OP's wife cheated way before she actually did the deed.

I have never cheated, Although in my mind, I hate hate hate to say it, but I think I have. I just have to not put myself in that type of position and second... stay away from Happy Hour!


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## BigLiam

donny64 said:


> However, on the flip side, as most affairs do go undiscovered, would it really be wise to enter into a new relationship with a person of "unknown" honesty and integrity where new affairs could be undiscovered?
> 
> She screwed up royally. But she came to you with it right away. Maybe that was spurred on by fear that you'd find out somehow, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she just needed to tell you. There's something to be said for integrity. She screwed up, and then owned up to it without being cornered. I think that shows a lot.
> 
> If the the marriage was worth saving before this incident, then I believe from what you've said about this incident, I'd seriously consider working on this relationship and salvaging it.
> 
> I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have.
> 
> Your wife did something EXTREMELY FEW cheaters will ever do....she owned up to it without being confronted. That, at least to me, shows me something of her character. But she now knows she has a problem controlling herself while drinking or in certain environments. She can't be trusted in these situations, and she can't trust herself to navigate through those environments anymore, she must know her limits, and remove the possibility of that ever happening again by not exposing herself to that.
> 
> Were this to be a "ONS" that was really just the culmination of an EA or some situation where it had been allowed by her to build to this point over time where in effect she had been "straying" over a period of time, my advice would be different. But a drunken ONS where this thing started, happened, and ended in a single alcohol clouded night? Immediately after which she told you? I'd cut some slack in this situation. She would not be off the hook by any means, and there'd be some serious work ahead....but I'd cut her some slack and not go the nuclear option on her or the marriage.


I agree. This is why a polygaph may be useful He needs to know the real extent of her affair and her real motivation for coming forward in order to assess this.


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## donny64

lordmayhem said:


> :
> I would never have imagined that I could actually forgive any infidelity, but I've come to realize there are degrees of infidelity and some are much worse than others to overcome.


I believe this to be true. My W is a wonderful woman with a wonderful heart. We have an outstanding relationship in every way. No fights (the occassional disagreement, yes. Fights, no). No drama. Fantastic sex life. Very open with each other about anything. We very much love being together, but can also enjoy our time apart from each other. I can truly trust her, I believe, to do "the right thing" and the honorable thing. She trusts me. We do not have jealousy issues. I have incredible confidence in her...not out of burying my head in the sand, but because she's earned that. We are on such an even plane together in so many ways, it sometimes boggles my mind. She's by far the best "match" I've ever had, and I'd been trying for 40 years before I met her.

Would I dismiss all of that because she had a ONS such as the OP's wife reportedly did at a time when her judgement was clouded (it is no excuse, but it is a factor)? I would not want to do so if she came to me as the OP's wife did and owned up to it. As it hasn't happened to me, I'm not sure if I could get past it, but knowing me I believe I could, and I would certainly try. One single night and one error does not erase years of otherwise sound judgement, self awareness, appreciation for us, things she has done for me and everything else that is so perfect.

Would I put a serious foot in her rear end? You bet I would. There would be consequences for her actions. She would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it could never (now that she knows she's vulnerable to such things whereas maybe before she did not believe she was), ever happen again, and only because of her truthfullness and integrity would she get a second chance. It would be crystal clear there would never be a third chance. There would be no "I was drunk" excuse allowed in the future, because if she, knowing what she does about herself now and this "weakness under the influence", put herself back into that situation, that would be enough for me to then end it. She'd have lost that "right" because of her own actions. If she did not understand that and was not okay with that, she should feel free to hit the bricks at any time.


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## warlock07

Any reason to believe that she was forced to confess after she was caught?(A friend threatening to tell you if she didn't? If so, this might not be her first ONS)


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## Tall Average Guy

warlock07 said:


> Any reason to believe that she was forced to confess after she was caught?(A friend threatening to tell you if she didn't? If so, this might not be her first ONS)


One thing to consider is that there may not be one single motivation. She could easily be some combination of remorseful, guilty, wanting to be honest with you and recognizing that others know and feel she should be the one to tell you. That is, there may be some honorable reasons mixed with some more selfish reasons. You may need to consider them as a whole when you evaluate it.


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## sandc

jnj express said:


> where is hansolio----he should be involved in this---after all it is his life we are discussing, and I am sure he could throw some light, on some of the things we are conjecturing about----If orig. post. want input---they should stay involved!!!!!


He's probably shell shocked. Both by what happened and by what he's read here.


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## BigLiam

Jellybeans said:


> Agreed. But making them out to be awful evil people when maybe they had nothing to do with it, isn't the answer.


Remember the old saying: " Friends don't let friends bang drunk."

She could have gotten a BWI.


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## lovelygirl

donny64 said:


> I know many here say "booze is not an excuse, you knew what you were doing". Well, within reason I believe this...but who here has not done something stupid and regretful after they've gotten drunk? I'd bet most of us have.


It depends on what you define as _drunk_.
To the point of passing out, falling on the ground and not being able to tell where you are??
At this state I'd say you wouldn't be able to move, let alone have sex.

BUT, if the state of mind/body WASN'T all THAT bad then it means she was able to tell where she was and what she was doing.

So the real reason why she cheated [and she admitted it] was the lack of attention/communication in her marriage. 
That's what made her cheat, and not her getting drunk. Her getting drunk could be a reason to forget, not to cheat.


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## BigLiam

No, nothing"made" her cheat. She decided to cheat and the condition of her marriage had nothing to do with it.


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## sandc

BigLiam said:


> No, nothing"made" her cheat. She decided to cheat and the condition of her marriage had nothing to do with it.


Thank you. Lots of people in really miserable marriages do not cheat.


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## hansolio

Sorry folks it took me so long. To shed some light on the friends, they had no idea this happened until she told them. My W and him managed to get away undetected. The friends are also friends with me and are disappointed that this happened. They had no idea she left with him and trust me the friends would have never let her do this.


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## hansolio

Some posts on here have shocked me a bit, some have helped me, I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are going to counseling for each other and individually. I feel this will be the point where we will get an idea where things are going to go from here.


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## BigLiam

How will you know if she is telling the truth? A polygraph may help.


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## rrrbbbttt

hansolio said:


> Sorry folks it took me so long. To shed some light on the friends, they had no idea this happened until she told them. My W and him managed to get away undetected. The friends are also friends with me and are disappointed that this happened. They had no idea she left with him and trust me the friends would have never let her do this.


True Friends take care of their friends. If the situation was escalating a true friend would have stepped in and stopped it prior to them being able to leave that means the true friend monitors their other friends during the evening to ensure that nothing bad occurs when they are drinking.

I have been there and have stepped in many a time to stop a friend from making an *ss of themselves. What were they doing when they were out? If they ignored what was going on, they really did not care.


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## Shaggy

hansolio said:


> Some posts on here have shocked me a bit, some have helped me, I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are going to counseling for each other and individually. I feel this will be the point where we will get an idea where things are going to go from here.


As you go through the next few weeks, don't approach therapy etc as a way to fix her or you. You aren't a car, and they aren't mechanics.

I'm worried that you a desperate to fix this, at any cost, and that will get you burned badly. You wife needs to really work at your marriage, she really needs to go through earning the chance to stay. She really needs to find empathy for your feelings, because you will for a long time, possibly years, react to triggers and get angry/depressed/etc. She needs to be committed to supporting you through this.

If you quickly forgive, and then "get over it", she will not value the gift of reconciliation with you because she didn't earn it. 

she also won't have the patience for the years to come in helping you deal with the cheating.

And she won't be willing to accept the consequences like - no more drinking without you there, no more trips alone, etc.


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## Jellybeans

BigLiam said:


> Remember the old saying: " Friends don't let friends bang drunk."


No, I don't know that saying nor would I ever tell someone that who is going through such a sh!tty situation. 

Totally unproductive.


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## Jellybeans

hansolio said:


> We are going to counseling for each other and individually. I feel this will be the point where we will get an idea where things are going to go from here.


If you feel that is best, then do it. This is your marriage so it is up to you to best to decide how to handle things from here. Whatever you decide, we will support you. Good luck either way.


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## jnj express

You just gave us all the answer----"she and her lover (for the night) managed to get away undetected"

That's it in a nutshell----alcohol had nothing to do with this---she WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN, she even DECEIVED HER OWN FRIENDS, this was gonna happen no matter what, cuz they certainly had to do some type of PLANNING, to get away undetected----they KNEW, they wanted to have sex with each other

At that point in time---YOU WERE NEVER IN THE PICTURE, SHE COULD HAVE CARED LESS ABOUT HER SACRED VOWS

If you decide to stay----you better find a good solid counselor, who can ferret out WHY she so easily/gladly/happily was willing to throw away YOU AND HER MGE.

You state some of these posts shock you---I am sure they do, cuz you have never experienced this before---but, bottom line it is what it is, and what that is, is the knowing/willing destruction of a mge----it is hard to face, and harder to actually deal with-----SO TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED AND DECIDE WHAT IS TO BE YOUR FUTURE----that decision---NEEDS TO BE MADE BY YOU, AND YOU ALONE----your wife should have no input.


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## Shaggy

Listen to JNJ - very very sound advice.

I'd like to add to it: You're not just dealing with her having sex. You are dealing with her choosing to have sex, and the problem that down the road she just might choose it again.

It's the choice to betray that is the worst of it.


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## SteveWinger

Sex is an irrational act for starters, it’s a desire and depending on the individuals libido how well they can control it. As soon as you swallow alcohol you’re losing some of that control, if you’re not used to drinking then it’s far too easy to lose total control.

Thing is everyone wants their cake and eat it; I want my wife to be red hot in bed, to act like a ***** but just for me only. So she’s either a good actress or she sometimes feels like a *****; a ***** being a female whose libido is at the point for the month.
What do you want an actress or libido? I’m not saying she should go out fling herself about but you’re kidding yourself if you believe your wife only has eyes for you because if she has a good libido then she will have normal desires like everyone else but usually they can be controlled. The night in question obviously had certain components in it that throw that control out the window.

If she doesn’t go out looking for it then forget about because you yourself might find that on some occasion when the moon is the right position and then its you that cannot control yourself.

My wife did something similar many years ago but I’m a bit of a pragmatist and I knew she wouldn’t purposely have went looking for it. Certainly I had been married for about 12 years at the time but oddly enough I found it strangely erotic simply because I forgotten about her as a women with a libido. I never made a big fuss and after a few months things returned to normal but one night I got her right drunk on a night out and started making out with her but when she was feeling really hot I asked her to tell me what she had done. I just kept on gently rubbing her and well she became ultra-turned on and it was pretty good fun. I have used that one night stand of hers on many occasions since.

What are you going to do? My advice is do what I did or leave her.


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## jnj express

So many people put a ONS, on the lower end of the rung of cheating-------

They are so wrong---it stands alone, on its own merits---and could be even worse, than the long term EA/PA

If there is a ONS, many times the cheating spouse GOES OUT LOOKING FOR THE ONS---they know exactly what they want----they want some foreign spice, in preferance ot their own spouse----TELL ME HOW IS THAT NOT JUST AS BAD---

You might say, cuz love IS NOT INVOLVED---so F'ing what, they took another man/woman unto themselves, they ignored sacred vows, and have wrecked lives all around them---HOW IS THAT ANY LESS THAN A LONG TERM WITH LOVE THROWN IN.

In having a ONS---the cheating spouse has to go thru at least 5 or 6 stop signs, and they know every stop sign is there, and they still run the stop signs-----A ONS, is just as cruel as anything else in the world of INFIDELITY!!!!!!


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## kenmoore14217

"Some posts on here have shocked me a bit"........ huh???


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## wiigirl

BigLiam said:


> How will you know if she is telling the truth? A polygraph may help.


Now theres an idea! Wow. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

hansolio said:


> Some posts on here have shocked me a bit, some have helped me, I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We are going to counseling for each other and individually. I feel this will be the point where we will get an idea where things are going to go from here.


Hansolio,

I think that is great. Your wife did come out and tell you the truth right away. That is important.

Getting professional help for both you is the next logical step.

She needs to find out why she cheated and can hopefully create the boundaries so it does not happen again.

And you both need to work on your marriage.

Good for you and post an update.

Good Luck and May the Force be with You...

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

wiigirl said:


> Now theres an idea! Wow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Muchas gracias


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## Badblood

OK, Hans, the first thing you have to do, is find out EXACTLY what happened. Right now, you are assuming that what she has told you, is what actually happened. You really shouldn't be taking her word for anything, and should be making her prove everything. How can you decide about D or R, if you don't know, FOR A FACT, what all went down? You also need to know who the OM is, where he lives and how to contact him, and this info should come from your wife, and it should come NOW!! No excuses, no allibis, no hesitation. I can't over-emphasize this point. EVERYTHING your wife says, she must PROVE!! Stop making excuses for her. You being away did not cause her to cheat. She CHOSE to go into the gutter.


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## Stevenj

Badblood said:


> OK, Hans, the first thing you have to do, is find out EXACTLY what happened. Right now, you are assuming that what she has told you, is what actually happened. You really shouldn't be taking her word for anything, and should be making her prove everything. How can you decide about D or R, if you don't know, FOR A FACT, what all went down? You also need to know who the OM is, where he lives and how to contact him, and this info should come from your wife, and it should come NOW!! No excuses, no allibis, no hesitation. I can't over-emphasize this point. EVERYTHING your wife says, she must PROVE!! Stop making excuses for her. You being away did not cause her to cheat. She CHOSE to go into the gutter.


Hands you left us hanging. What happened?


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## BobSimmons

OP last here two years ago. The thread is dead


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## Rugs

happyman64 said:


> Hansolio,
> 
> I think that is great. Your wife did come out and tell you the truth right away. That is important.
> 
> Getting professional help for both you is the next logical step.
> 
> She needs to find out why she cheated and can hopefully create the boundaries so it does not happen again.
> 
> And you both need to work on your marriage.
> 
> Good for you and post an update.
> 
> Good Luck and May the Force be with You...
> 
> HM64
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Rugs

Old thread - good catch


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## WhiteRaven

Stevenj - the necromancer


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## lordmayhem

Stevenj said:


> Hands you left us hanging. What happened?


Probably rug swept it like many others. Its disturbing that she was able to slip away with OM despite being with supposedly trustworthy friends. It makes you wonder how many ONS's that she's had on GNOs when the OP wasn't around, or if this is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh well. He'll find out later.


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## Cannevergoback

So this is pretty old post but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway. Isn't it ironical that after a wife cheats that the major burden of reconciliation falls on the husband's shoulders? I mean remorseful or not, the only way the relationship can go on is if the husband forgives her. Just doesn't seem fair. To put it rather plainly and maybe crudely, she has all the fun and he has to do all the work. 

I think the drinking excuse is weak. So what, she drinks all night and then at the end of the night this guy walks up to her and they go ****? NOOOOOOOO! She's been hanging with him for at least part of the night, probably prior to her having too much to drink, So what was she thinking. Was this a rape? NOOOOOO, she had every inclination that this could happen but she didn't do anything to stop it. Is she not a smart person?
Yes, I believe she is remorseful and regrets what happened BUT, she let it happen pure and simple!
And, if she does so easily once, regretful or not, she will do it again. 
I'm absolutely certain that she will be a loving, faithful wife for now and she truly regrets her actions, but there will be a next time.
I'd love to get an update


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## SUCKA

Its really your choice. If you feel you can live with it then so be it. But it is an imbalance in the marriage for sure. This was in the mind long before the drunken night occurred. Im sorry but it is a real lack of respect. One caveat is that she was totall honest. Maybe there is some hope for you both. Good luck.


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## Machjo

hansolio said:


> Hey All,
> 
> I am new to this forum or any for that matter. I am just in need of some advice/uplifting comments. My wife of 3yrs together for 6, unfortunately had a drunken ONS. I work nights and weekends, she works days during the week. We rarely have time for each other. We have 2 amazing children that keep us busy when we are together. My wife and I are very similiar when it comes to discussing our frustrations within our relationship, and that is we don't discuss them. We hold things in until one of us snaps. We are younger in age and had our first child in the last year of our college careers, so life began very quickly for us. So its been a long rough journey for us and now that we don't spend much time together things have been drifting apart. We were once amazing together and other couples would get jealous of this. Just over the weekend while I was at work some of her friends got together to celebrate the graduation of some friends at our former college. She got drunk and ended the night with another man. She came home sobbing in tears and told me what happened. She says I am not using drinking as an excuse, but if I wasn't it would have never happened. She says with us drifting apart over the last few months she has been feeling lonely and this guy she never met before just seemed to do all the right things that night. She tells me over and over that she is not using drinking as the excuse but it aided in the decision. When she came home she was sobbing to no end and of course I flew off the handle and left for a few hours. When I came back I sat down and talked to her, I told her I know things were rough between us and the affection died off due to me not being there. I still don't understand why she made the decision in the end, but in some sort of weird way I can understand, cuz of the way things were going. I want to forgive her badly, it just like everyone else says its a constant flow of emotions that keep cycling through my head. One minute I want to fix it and the next I want to run away. Her actions from this event have been giving me hope that I can get over this. She took 3 days off of work to stay with me. Constantly sobbing, not eating well, doesn't sleep well, lies around, Keeps saying she hates herself for doing what she did to me. She has already called and scheduled couseling for us. She told me that its horrible to say it like this, but by doing such a dumb thing it made her realize how much she loves me and how she really messed up a good thing. By her doing that it also opened my eyes and made me realize that I wasn't being the husband I know I could be. Is that strange of me? We both know problems with communicating with each other has drifted us apart and is most likely the reason for the ONS. Does anyone feel like she has/is showing deep regret and knows she was very wrong. I am sorry for rambling my mind is in a million places. I haven't been able to talk to anyone because I am to ashamed to let anyone know about this. The only person I have been talking to is my wife and its only making her depression/regret worse. Mainly becuz its about how I am feeling and its hurting her even more for what she did. Any help/thoughts? Thanks


I would suggest you both agree to abstain from alcohol for a while and for a few reasons. The least of these reasons is to reduce the chance of her doing it again. I say the least because from what you're describing, it appears that she truly is remorseful and so probably wouldn't do it again. The bigger reason is emotional and psychological. Infidelity can be emotionally traumatic in ways a person might not even realize immediately. That can make a person more prone to turning to alcohol, gambling, or other activities to numb the pain and so develop a dependence on it. Given your emotional vulnerability at present, it might be a good idea to just be mindful of how you use potentially addictive substances.

You've not mentioned that she suffers alcoholism so I'll assume here that she doesn't. If that's the case, then her abstaining from alcohol should solve the immediate problem. You might want to approach sex with caution for now until you both get tested for an STI and are clean. You can be gentle with her about it if you want, but just kindly inform her that it's just for your protection.

Let her do what she has to do to heal. If she needs to see a therapist, participate in a twelve-step group, or whatever else, support her in her healing. That said, don't forget yourself. Do what you must to heal yourself too. Try to forgive her, if not for your sake, then for her sake. Don't seek revenge and don't aim to humiliate her. That will solve nothing.

I'm gentle here since it does appear that she is sincerely showing remorse from what you described. That's a good sign.


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## EleGirl

This a zombie thread.. from 2012. I'm locking it.


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