# How can I save my Marriage



## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

So this might me a little long. 2 weeks ago my wife and my mom got into a disagreement my mom lives with us and she said either my mom moves out or we both have to move out. I chose my wife. This caused a little friction. The Friday before labor day we were driving to the mountains and she said that my mom doesn’t have to move out just try to avoid her for now. She also talked about us going away just the two of us since we haven’t really done that in the 8 years we’ve been together. On Labor Day we were leaving the cabin and she looks at me and says I want a divorce. Things have been fine and this kind of caught me off guard. She has left me 3 times in the past and every time was this time of year when the seasons start to change and we got back together in feb-March. I don’t want to lose her or my stepdaughter they are my world.

My wife said she feels smothered and that she lost herself and doesn’t know who she is anymore. She has had a lot go on this year. She got a really bad concussion in March and is still recovering from that. Her daughter had a seizure in December and there was just a shooting where she works.I’m not sure if her decision could be depression related. She told me she took meds in the past but didn’t like the way they made her feel. She is so back and forth. On Friday at 3:15 she asked me if I’d sign papers. I said no since I see the same pattern from the last 3 times she left me. She wasn’t happy and freaked out a little bit. I got home an hr later and she was fine she was cleaning the house and I helped. We got dinner together and watched a movie that night. She asked me if I wanted to take some of my work clothes to the spare room where I have been sleeping. I had asked her why and she said so when I wake up to take our daughter to school you don’t have to wake up earlier than you have to since she would be waking up before me. I told her that she wouldn’t wake me up since were sleeping in separate rooms she looked upset and said oh yeah like she had forgotten about me sleeping in a different room. She was gone most of the weekend by herself because I’m trying to give her space. She wants me to sleep in separate rooms and NO SEX. She said the stars may align and we might get back to get her one day and if I sign the papers she can change her mind and cancel the papers. She can be two different people 30min apart. I really want us to get help together but she wants no part of that. I started getting help for myself in hopes that she’ll get help for herself. She keeps calling me babe by accident and I told her I feel like she’s lying to her self about this. She has shown no emotions at all almost like she is numb she’s not upset at all. She only shows anger. I am desperate for any help on what I may be able to do save our marriage. Even our friend say she’s acting different and they think something is wrong whether it be depression or complications from her concussion.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your wife may be suffering from a mental illness, such as seasonal affective disorder. She may be bipolar. Or she may have a friend on the side who shows up at certain times a year and they get together to hook up.

Who knows? The thing is, you are tolerating being her yo-yo. The thing is, she may just be a nasty piece of work. But you deserve to know what the hell is going on here. Start telling yourself that and be assertive.

How long have you two been sleeping in separate rooms? How long has your marriage been sexless? Before all this started, was your sex life okay?

This is just my opinion, mind you, but if my spouse left me THREE times (regardless of the reasons/motivation), they wouldn't be living with me any longer. And I'd be sure to tell my spouse not to let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves. 

P.S. - I married two alcoholics. I was too damn stupid to wise up the first time around, so I did it one more time. I left them. Why? Because they treated me in ways that are similar to your wife. I got tired of the I-love-you-hold-me-close-now-go-away tango. Any chance your wife abuses substances or alcohol? Her behavior sounds similar to the lunacy I witnessed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would suggest she goes to her doctor and gets checked out.


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## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Your wife may be suffering from a mental illness, such as seasonal affective disorder. She may be bipolar. Or she may have a friend on the side who shows up at certain times a year and they get together to hook up.
> 
> Who knows? The thing is, you are tolerating being her yo-yo. The thing is, she may just be a nasty piece of work. But you deserve to know what the hell is going on here. Start telling yourself that and be assertive.
> 
> ...


We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for a week now and up until Labor Day we had sex a couple time a week. 


Diana7 said:


> I would suggest she goes to her doctor and gets checked out.


She wants no part of getting checked out. I’ve begged her to go get a second opinion from a neurologist and she won’t. She said she wants to get counseling but wants to pay out of pocket so I can’t see in on my insurance. I’m just lost at what to do. She got home and asked if I wanted to talk I said no because I’m trying to avoid an argument and she said I Masturbated today. I told her she does stuff for attention she said that she’s not.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why do you want to save a marriage where you love her and she clearly doesn’t love you?

wouid you want you be married to someone you don’t love or care to sleep with, and she does love you?

Honestly, what you have described is no way for a normal man to live. She’s left you three times. Sign the papers and send her on her way. I suspect she will be back and you’ll be ........ enough to take her back.

why do you live a person that doesn’t love you?


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## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you want to save a marriage where you love her and she clearly doesn’t love you?
> 
> wouid you want you be married to someone you don’t love or care to sleep with, and she does love you?
> 
> ...


We’ve been together for 8 years she’s everything I’ve known in my adult life. I love her more than anything and I believe she loves me. I think she has some serious mental issues and not sure why. Things have been good she wrote me a love letter 3 weeks before she told me she wants a divorce. I’m just so lost.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No need to be lost. To begin with, she is not your everything. Sorry. YOU own your life. You don't own hers. Nor do you own the decisions she makes - no matter how detrimental they may be to your marriage. She doesn't want help? She only wants it on her terms? Fine. Respect her enough to step away from it, whether you disagree or not.

How old are you? How old is your wife?

From what you are saying, it sounds like she is mentally ill. But if she doesn't want help, you can't force it. What you need to do at this point is make decisions that are best for YOU. Sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings, but you can't save someone else.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> We’ve been together for 8 years she’s everything I’ve known in my adult life. I love her more than anything and I believe she loves me. I think she has some serious mental issues and not sure why. Things have been good she wrote me a love letter 3 weeks before she told me she wants a divorce. I’m just so lost.


She needs to go back to her neurologist in case it is a complication of the concussion. It's going to depend on where she got hit what part of the brain it affects. At a minimum I would ask her for permission to have a conference with her neurologist so you can see if the part of her brain that was affected could be causing these things.


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## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She needs to go back to her neurologist in case it is a complication of the concussion. It's going to depend on where she got hit what part of the brain it affects. At a minimum I would ask her for permission to have a conference with her neurologist so you can see if the part of her brain that was affected could be causing these things.


She never went to a neurologist they only sent her to her family dr. Which is why I’m concerned that it could be something more serious.


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## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> No need to be lost. To begin with, she is not your everything. Sorry. YOU own your life. You don't own hers. Nor do you own the decisions she makes - no matter how detrimental they may be to your marriage. She doesn't want help? She only wants it on her terms? Fine. Respect her enough to step away from it, whether you disagree or not.
> 
> How old are you? How old is your wife?
> 
> From what you are saying, it sounds like she is mentally ill. But if she doesn't want help, you can't force it. What you need to do at this point is make decisions that are best for YOU. Sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings, but you can't save someone else.


I’m 28 and she is 34


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> She never went to a neurologist they only sent her to her family dr. Which is why I’m concerned that it could be something more serious.


I don't know if she has a brain injury or a simple concussion but she needs to go to a neurologist. A brain injury can cause a complete personality change if it's in the right region. I have a close friend whose husband, who was someone that was a nice and charming guy, just completely degenerated after having not gone to a doctor after two incidents of brain injury. He just stopped coming home much and he ran off to California with a woman and didn't bother to go to work anymore. He just degenerated and then when he came back in town they found his body in an apartment that was just full of junk like a homeless person would have. 

She needs to go get a brain scan probably. I mean most concussions don't cause a major brain injury but if she's never had it looked at by a specialist and she's having unusual changes, she needs to go. And you need to go with her so you don't get her version of the results. Maybe one way to get her to go is tell her you won't sign papers until you and she go see a neurologist together to rule out some brain function problems. Then if she's cleared, at least you'll know what's going on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She’s not your world. Come up for air and breath.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I can certainly understand your concern. But you need to sit back and look at this for what it is; namely, YOU alone cannot save your marriage anymore than you can save her.

Start by letting that sink it. Marriage is two people working together to maintain the relationship. She is apparently incapable of doing so as things stand right now.

Why not consider a separation? Or just let her have the divorce. After all, she may decide to seek the help she needs and see the light. However, you do not possess the power to make her see that light. Her life. Her choice.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> my mom lives with us


Yeah, I don't want my MiL living with me either.
Your wife told you what she wanted, and you didn't listen.
No woman wants a guys mother hanging around and second guessing her every move.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blows to the head can seriously affect your personality.
Um, I know.

Some become angry, fitful and impatient after a TBI.

It seems your wife only became worse after this.

Bless you for trying to work with her, and tolerating her maddening behavior.

At some point, you may be forced to cut bait or run.

You are not a miracle worker.
Being a martyr entails wasting your life.

You are young, find a better partner, for your sake, and for your own sanity.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

At what age did her mother or father leave?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> So this might me a little long. 2 weeks ago my wife and my mom got into a disagreement my mom lives with us and she said either my mom moves out or we both have to move out. I chose my wife. This caused a little friction. The Friday before labor day we were driving to the mountains and she said that my mom doesn’t have to move out just try to avoid her for now. She also talked about us going away just the two of us since we haven’t really done that in the 8 years we’ve been together. On Labor Day we were leaving the cabin and she looks at me and says I want a divorce. Things have been fine and this kind of caught me off guard. She has left me 3 times in the past and every time was this time of year when the seasons start to change and we got back together in feb-March. I don’t want to lose her or my stepdaughter they are my world.
> 
> My wife said she feels smothered and that she lost herself and doesn’t know who she is anymore. She has had a lot go on this year. She got a really bad concussion in March and is still recovering from that. Her daughter had a seizure in December and there was just a shooting where she works.I’m not sure if her decision could be depression related. She told me she took meds in the past but didn’t like the way they made her feel. She is so back and forth. On Friday at 3:15 she asked me if I’d sign papers. I said no since I see the same pattern from the last 3 times she left me. She wasn’t happy and freaked out a little bit. I got home an hr later and she was fine she was cleaning the house and I helped. We got dinner together and watched a movie that night. She asked me if I wanted to take some of my work clothes to the spare room where I have been sleeping. I had asked her why and she said so when I wake up to take our daughter to school you don’t have to wake up earlier than you have to since she would be waking up before me. I told her that she wouldn’t wake me up since were sleeping in separate rooms she looked upset and said oh yeah like she had forgotten about me sleeping in a different room. She was gone most of the weekend by herself because I’m trying to give her space. She wants me to sleep in separate rooms and NO SEX. She said the stars may align and we might get back to get her one day and if I sign the papers she can change her mind and cancel the papers. She can be two different people 30min apart. I really want us to get help together but she wants no part of that. I started getting help for myself in hopes that she’ll get help for herself. She keeps calling me babe by accident and I told her I feel like she’s lying to her self about this. She has shown no emotions at all almost like she is numb she’s not upset at all. She only shows anger. I am desperate for any help on what I may be able to do save our marriage. Even our friend say she’s acting different and they think something is wrong whether it be depression or complications from her concussion.


you know tramatic brain injury causes some of the these symptoms. Has she been checked out beyond the concussion?

On the other hand seems like she has had these thoughts before and MIL's can be very trying for a marriage.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

doesn't really sound like the concussion is a factor considering she's left 3x in the past(before concussion)...

Your wife sounds somewhat familiar to mine. I was always placing the blame on mental illness/depression/trauma from past but in reality it was just her losing attraction to me/failing to maintain the spark and her eventually cheating.

Does your wife have any trauma in her past?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dude. You don’t have a great relationship this is the fourth time she is leaving you. Pull your head out of the sand.

Where did she go the last three times she left for what, 5-6 months?

Who was she seeing then?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

How does the finances work in your family? Who owns your house and why does your mother live with you, is it her house?
Have you had many relationships before her or is she your first?


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## Cooleybrandon92 (Sep 14, 2021)

johndoe12299 said:


> doesn't really sound like the concussion is a factor considering she's left 3x in the past(before concussion)...
> 
> Your wife sounds somewhat familiar to mine. I was always placing the blame on mental illness/depression/trauma from past but in reality it was just her losing attraction to me/failing to maintain the spark and her eventually cheating.
> 
> Does your wife have any trauma in her past?


I am not sure. I was trying to figure out what could’ve happened this time of year that triggers her. One min she is super nice to me and the next she is cranky and wants me to sign papers. I don’t know if it’s seasonal depression or what because it’s the same pattern as it’s been in the past. Our sex life was great and I didn’t see any signs of cheating were always together or doing sports with our daughter. I hope she gets the help she needs and we can work threw this.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

In most cases, you're going to end up disappointed by making anything outside of yourself your "whole world". That screams codependency, to me, and you'll have a harder time in life because of it if it's not worked on pronto. Like @Prodigal said, it takes 2 and you cannot save a marriage all by yourself. She either wants to stay in, or she is wishy-washy like she's been, which I would take as a no, thank you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> She wants no part of getting checked out. I’ve begged her to go get a second opinion from a neurologist and she won’t.





Cooleybrandon92 said:


> I hope she gets the help she needs and we can work threw this.


So you're going to hang in there, living on what-if thinking rather than what-is. People will remain in bad situations just based on hope. 

She doesn't want help, as you have clearly stated. 

With that in mind, I don't think there's any advice that will help you. Sorry.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Cooleybrandon92 said:


> She never went to a neurologist they only sent her to her family dr. Which is why I’m concerned that it could be something more serious.


Why? This behavior is not new to her. It was happening long before the concussion. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

I could only tell you what I would do and that is run like hell away from her. The description on how she treats you is tough to read. And you are helping raise her daughter . 

You are 28 ,dude. Why would you want to saddle yourself with so much baggage and to a woman who has no respect for you. She doesn't want help, you have no sex, she fights with your Mother and gives you ultimatums. That's insane. 

You should be the one giving her ultimatums. Get some self respect back and tell her you no longer will put up with this . Communicate what you need changed or you're gone and then follow through immediately when she doesn't follow. 

What do you think will be the outcome if you go along with everything she is doing to you? You taught her how to treat you and it will be difficult to break, so either leave or put up with it the rest of your life. Part of me thinks she knows she could manipulate you and treat you like crap and you still won't sign the papers. Call her bluff and see if her attitude changes. . 

Just my opinion


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