# TAM has screwed with my perception of reality...



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

I think everyone is a cheater. 

I haven't had an issue with infidelity in my marriage that I know of, but I am separated from her at this point due to some other issues. 

I've absorbed a ton of information on here, in regards to manning up, setting boundaries, and knowing what red flags to look for as far as cheating is concerned. 

This site seems to have a strong support for the infidelity section, and as such, i imagine that we get a lot more of that "demographic" shall we say, than what is really normal. 

Is it just me, or am I the only one to think everyone cheats? I say everyone loosely...

But it seriously has me wondering if, when I end up in a better relationship, be it my separated wife or someone else, it just seems like i'd be better off not to get so emotionally involved. This way, if and/or when, infidelity happens, I don't get so hurt. I'm protecting myself. 

But isn't that an oxymoron. Isn't a main reason why women cheat is because their husband isn't emotionally invested in her? 

Such a quandary.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

If I look around at my friends and family, cheating seems to be a non issue. 
I think an online forum where people come looking for support or information is going to be skewed to the negative. It is not a true cross section of real life.


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## jane1213 (Aug 10, 2012)

ppl come on here bc they have issues on their lives


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think a lot of it is what Jane said. The actual percentage of cheaters over the course of an entire lifetime is around 30-50% according to studies based on self-reporting. That means, a person who ever did something they considered cheating, even once years ago.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

jane1213 said:


> ppl come on here bc they have issues on their lives


I disagree. I don't have a problem (at least nothing big/significant that I need help with.) Nor does my marriage, to my knowledge.

I'd like to keep it that way. I think information on here has helped me to better see what issues can arise, how to diagnose early, and in some cases, how to treat. Things that might have become issues if left to fester. They might not, but I'd rather know to wash my hands, so I don't get ill, than recover from gastric flu ...

As regards the OP, these issues do exist, but being on TAM can make you hyper-sensitive. I've seen a brother-in-law divorce after (his) infidelity, my sister, although not married, had an EA (at least), and left the father of her children. A number of friends have divorced for a variety of reasons, some of which were probably surmaountable.

I doubt anyone's perception of reality is wholey accurate, but I'd rather be informed, and a little over sensitive, than ignorant and oblivious, until it's too late .....

Rags


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The majority of people who search for marital advice do so because they have issues in their marriage. There are couples in happy marriages who post here, but most people in happy marriages aren't posting to marital advice sites. They're going on with the business of living their lives.

TAM will give you a skewed perspective of marriage. One of the most "popular" sections on the site is the Coping With Infidelity section. If you spend sufficient time reading that subforum, it's easy to get hypervigilant about one's marriage. Some vigilance is good. You don't want to take your marriage for granted, but getting paranoid and seeing cheating everywhere is going too far. Cheating isn't epidemic in my circle of friends and family. Sure it happens and I know people who have been tragically impacted by it, but I can count on three fingers the families I know affected by cheating. You can't extrapolate to real life couples everything you read here. For example, TAM is one of the few marriage forums I've visited where the majority of posters in the infidelity section are betrayed husbands. If you read other marriage sites, the betrayed spouses who post tend to be the wives. It's interesting TAM has such a high number of male posters in CWI compared to say LoveShack.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

TAM is a support forum. People in happy marriages have little reason to come here. It's made me wiser and my relationship with my boyfriend stronger. I understand things I was naive about before. I'm grateful.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Out of my 5 friends 4 of the Hs have cheated for definate and one just hasn't been caught.
We are all professional 'educated' 'successful' people. Going in those statistics I'm agreeing with the OP unfortunately!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

What I have learned from my troubled marriage, marriages around me, counseling and TAM is this:

Never Say Never!  (title of a thread here I believe!)

While everyone may NOT be a active or past cheater, everyone has the potential to cheat given the right set of circumstances. There may be a select "smaller" group of people who would never cheat no matter what happens in their lives but IMHO those are not very common (I lump PA as well as EA in the definition of cheating).

Temptation comes in many forms and stems from a variety of circumstances, the question is how does one deal with these temptations.

Another thing I have learned is that once the excitement and sexiness of a new relationship/marriage wears off one must keep the relationship a high priority. If not then next thing you know issues in your relationship will materialize and you wonder why.....then you find TAM and start to understand what happened 

So as long as one invests in a relationship and understands each others needs then you can minimize any potential problems and infidelity......I say minimize as I have read a few stories where everything was great.....yet one person cheated and could not really give a good reason why (selfishness IMHO).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In my family, my father cheated on my mother and 2 of my brother-in-laws cheated on my sisters. 

My late father suspected _everyone_ of cheating, yet his own cheating only came to light some years after his death.

One of my sisters got enormous support from us all when she divorced her cheating husband, only for it to be discovered later that their eldest child wasn't, in fact, her husband's child.

The other sister who was cheated on had had (at least) an emotional affair many years ago.

I don't believe everyone cheats, and I don't believe that, _given the same opportunity to do so,_ cheating is more likely in one gender rather than the other - despite the statistics.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Percentage Of Married Couples Who Cheat nice article.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> Is it just me, or am I the only one to think everyone cheats? I say everyone loosely...


My humble opinion is that a certain (fairly large) percentage of the general population has the capacity to fall into a cheating relationship under the right set of circumstances. And we can predict that if certain factors are left unchecked we will all find ourselves in that set of circumstances at some point in our marriages.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

I know what you mean. Even when i post my own stuff about my marriage issues everyone always suggests infidelity. my marriage issues have NOTHING to do with my hubs cheating, but it's always the first suggestion. 

I recently started clicking on "new posts" instead of individual categories. And all the cwi threads float to the top. I ignore most of them because they dont apply to me and i dont find them helpful to me. 

Just stay out of that category. I think overall TAM is great if you take it with a grain of salt and read selectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

If you go strictly by what you see here at TAM, then yes, everyone cheats, and those that don't have completely opposite sex drives (one HD the other LD or No D).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Without dwelling on the cheating aspect, I would have phrased the label of this thread TAM has screwed with my perception of "reality", because my reality before I came here was one that things would not change, that being in a sexless, unloving marriage would not change and that I was alone in this situation and there was nothing I could do about it.

But I see (a) plenty of others are in the same situation and (b) there is a lot of good advice out there.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This site has not messed with my perception of marriage -- or in my husband at all.... I don't go into the infidelity section though. TAM has, however, shown me , even though I sometimes wish my husband to be a little more of this or that in a couple areas ..that there is NO man who could replace him (for me).....how blessed I really am. If he achieved some of my fantasies, he would likely be a Harlequin Romance fictional character.

Everyone does not cheat....you are reading endless stories of those who are filled with resentment, sexless marriages, insecurities abounding, where they become weak, desperate , thirsting for the emotional/sexual they are missing in their own homes ....too chummy with co-workers, some have no idea what a boundary is, lack of self control, partying never ended when the marriage began....many have very few examples of what a healthy marriage even looks like.....their faith was lost a long time ago in the institution. 

Then on top of all that baggage....they are hit with the "perfect storm".... Far too many who felt ...it could never happen to me.. end up eating those words...

Being Pro-active and striving to be a person of Integrity in all things -I feel is the best defense... 

All should make it our marital goal to water our own garden, give it sunlight, give proper nourishment, keep ourselves looking Hot for our partner.... keep the communication flowing, honest, owning our own faults, listening, validating each other, sex is GOOD!!! filling the others love tank with how they feel loved... be approachable always...... and don't throw out the emotionally vulnerable... this is where trust & acceptance begins....and bonding love blossoms. 

Hard as it may be...Don't allow past hurts to define you or your future with another... be careful to be compatible with whomever you attach yourself too. Test the waters more carefully next time.... not jumping in too quick.


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