# Here we go again...



## Poe (Jun 17, 2016)

I used to visit here often after discovering my wife was having an affair some two + years ago, forgot name and which email it was registered too so made a new one.

Back to topic, after 15 years of marriage with the ups and downs were all familiar with i discovered she was cheating, lots of fighting and a lot of wrongs done following the discovery (this was before i found TAM). After all was said and done we divorced, took me almost two years to deal with the damage done and assume I was ready again to get involved with someone.

About a year and a half ago i lost my brother, my mother had his kids, this past summer i decided to move accross the country to where they lived to help give my niece and nephew a good shot at life after what they lost (the mother is not in the picture). We found out roughly 2.5 months back that my mother has multiple stage 4 cancers and is/was terminal, chemo did nothing but about kill her.

In the begining stages of all of that, I meet a girl. She had come out of a bad marriage where she had been physically abused. I met her as i own a small business and she came into my shop one day with a black eye. Apparently they had separated but tried to put it back together and he had beaten her down. Me being the oldest of 4 brothers raised by a single mother, offered her my card with my cell number on it, and told her, no matter the time or day if she was in that kind of situation, to call me and ill get her out of it. Period.

From that point something clicked and she started coming by daily. I got to a point where i assumed she would be a good restart back into the dating world and could possibly build a great relationship. I didnt pursue her as she was hot on my trail.

i had explained to her that I had come from a marriage that ended in infidelity and that i had tried over the years to get back to normal and that id fight my own insecurities to make sure i didnt bring any of the damage from my marriage into my our relationship. She was also a nurse that happened to work in the hospice facility that we had to move my mother into. I can still remember her telling my how happy she was that it was there so she can make sure she taken care of properly, kind of like my insider in all of this mess.

So two weeks ago i was with my mom in hospice (i visit every day/night, but as her strength has gone, i leave when she dozes off which is usually very early) til around 1030 or so, she had the strength to stay awake, so i was grateful for the extra time and of course stayed until she did go to sleep. All during my visit im texting my girl who said she was at home with her son hanging out and decided i would just see her the next day as i work alot and have alot on my plate and had to get up early to open the next day, nothing weird or out of place. 

Well, she came over the next day and all as usual, very affectionate and silly funny etc, all the stuff i adore about a woman. Even had a friend over as we were cleaning and arranging everything in my moms place to get ready for the realtor to put on the market. He even pulled me aside to tell me i had been blessed in such a dark time in my life to find someone so good to me.

A week goes by and its a friday, so a couple of friends drag me out, GF was at work so not a big deal. We go to a local bar, i run into a guy i hadnt seen in twenty years and we talk for a few mins and he asks me, do i know a so and so girl? i said sure, weve been dating the past few months, (as im not much of a bar guy no one there would of known we were dating). I asked why he had asked and his face at this point was white and he was hesitant to respond. Turns out my girl had hit him up to go hang out and he had picked her up, on their way out to the bar she asked him if he knew my, he said sure i know his entire family but havent seen em in 20 years or so. He then says the weirdest thing happened when we got there, she split him and his buddies and started dancing/hanging on and even trying to kiss and random guy in there that she could, and eventually found a guy that had reciprocated her advances, she dragged him into the bathroom... he was married... they come out about 10 minutes later, hickies on his neck, scratches on his arms and shirt ripped and pulled.

Now I know the owner of the place and she had gotten involved in the conversation and even offered up the security camera footage so i could see it myself, i declined. I had heard more than i needed and didnt want the mind movies from seeing it actually happen.

Im a big guy, ive fought tough man comps, ride bikes, guns etc. A bit of a mans man. I had only had one whisky but i could feel a rage building up inside, my friend comments that he could feel the heat coming off of me...

I tell em we need to get outa her as i caught myself looking for a guy or two to "dance" with. I know its wrong, im not a violent guy, but I do consider myself a protector, and if i left the world by standing up or protecting another person, I would be satisfied with my run.

I learned alot from being here the first time, and i text her as im leaving i know im doing it wrong... I lie and tell her i saw the security footage and i hope she got what she was looking for... her response was along the lines of, well i was so f'n drunk i dont even know. NO remorse, sadness guilt etc. Sort of like a job well done attitude. I mention responsibility and knowing about everything going on in my life, her response was that she accepts the responsibilty for it and it was wrong but well worth it because she had been sober since, which i reminded her was a lie as she had a few drinks the tuesday after. And not a single word after. Nothing.

Im not a very religious guy, but i do have a good relationship with god. And i swore she was put into my path because we both needed someone that would treat us right... little did i realize that the devil does indeed come to us as everything weve always wanted.

So here i am in a bad way again, cant sleep, cant eat, focus is gone. Im usually in the gym 5 days a week, ive gone once since ive found out. I cant really say i loved her yet as she had told me, because i was really trying to go slow and not rush and ruin things, but i did care for her, a lot. The problem im having isnt really the loss of her as a companion as bad as that lonliness can be ( really hard as most of us here know) but moreso its dragged out all of the stuff i had thought i had buried and gotten over. Now im back in the mud like i was two years ago, but even greater than because im about to lose my mother, my rock my entire life.

Thanks for taking the time to read this mess and ive found myself to feel better after i vent to the handful of people i consider real friends and hoping once again to find relief in the wisdom of the folks here. It gave me strength last time and Im hoping for the same effect as i head into what it surely going to be the darkest time in my life.


Poe


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh man, that really really SUCKS. I am so sorry about your mom - that's really hard. I hope when her time comes it's peaceful.

This woman being a total skank out of the blue has triggered you badly it sounds like. You need to get back into your gym routine - that will help a lot. Do you have some friends you can hang out with for some beer and pizza and sports or something? You do need to eat - make yourself do that. What's your favorite food?

Triggers have to just be pushed through unfortunately. I am glad you feel better after posting. It's quite cathartic, isn't it? Take care of yourself.


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## Poe (Jun 17, 2016)

Thanks and yes, theyre dragging me out tonight actually. I dont have a ton of friends in this small town, but its a tight circle. And youre right, I know whats good for me, but ive lost alot of that motivation. Hah ive yelled at myself a few times this week. Guessing like last time, it will take time. Being almost 40, this makes me feel like a child again in some respects, and the road is only gonna get tougher unfortunately.


Poe


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am so sorry 

You are going through a lot. She is not worth more of you grief, I am so sorry 
Keep venting here please


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Wow dude, that's terrible. Its not about the girl, like you said you did not love her, yet. But the walls were coming down and you were starting to open up after a year and a half. And she came at a really rough time in your life where naturally you want to cling to someone like a life raft. 

Hang in there man, you sound like a real good guy. She is out there... Even if she is just a trusty hound dog instead of a wife. Sounds pathetic but i say any dog is generally better company that 90% of the population.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You know she was damaged goods the moment she meant you and the sad part is she isn't going to get better this way even though you are. Maybe she's seeking any approval or validation she can. Maybe she destroys good relationships before they get too far because she doesn't feel worthy. IDK but it's about her not you. I suspect that doesn't help much, but...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

She's like a lot of other things in life, cars for example. The longer you have them, the more flaws become apparent. Be glad you discovered her character before you got in even deeper. She's cuckoo. Besides, you need to be seeing multiple women. If you were, you wouldn't be going through "the darkest time in my life" as you put it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

So sorry about your mom, and all else that has happened. My prayers are with you. 

Please go no contact meaning block her phone number, remove her from any social media if you're on that, and if she shows up at your place of business, I'd ask her to no longer show up there. If she continues, I'd call the police. 

She sounds dangerous, unstable, and while I feel for anyone who's being abused in a relationship, she is a user. Maybe all that she has been through has created this in her now, but you can't let that become your problem. I'd banish her from your life, for good. (((hugs)))


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this when your mom is so ill.

Please count your blessings as finding out this woman now is better than you really falling head over heels in love with her.

You bit the bullet so to speak. Someone in that small town would have eventually warned you about the type of person she was. Be grateful for that!


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Poe,

Nothing but sympathies and prayers for your mom. sorry about your brother as well.

On to your problem with the new woman. You just described yourself as a KISA. The old Knight in Shining Armor. I know a guy just like you. Big, protector, looks for the good, the whole thing.

You gotta stop. Learn to pick your battles. Learn why you are this way. Left unchecked, this noble sounding characteristic can be a curse. 

This woman was damaged goods. Your move to offer yourself as a life preserver was not prudent. You are still healing from your bad breakup of your marriage. Your brother died. You moved to care for his kids and your mom gets cancer. With all of that, you take on THIS relationship?! 

Sorry to sound harsh, but you need counseling. Not just because of the whole KISA thing, but due to all you have detailed. It sounds like a country song, except its not. Drop her, move away in your heart and mind. Do what a wounded bear would do. Find you a cave and heal and care for those who matter most.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Poe, 

So sorry you are going through this. You don't need that girl. She has a lot of growing up to do, it sounds like. 
I feel she's only going to drag you down. You will get through this and come out even stronger. 
My prayers are with you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry about your family, that's tough, take pride in the fact that you were a good son and brother. Are you raising your brothers kids now?

So how long were you dating a few months right? Truth is there are a lot of sh!tty people out there, doesn't reflect on you at all. All that reflects on you is how you responded. You dumped her and moved on right so good on you. 

You need to think of dating like shopping for a car. You took this car for a test drive and found out it was a lemon. Would you feel bad if that happened, hell no you would be happy you didn't waste your time on it. Remember cheaters are worthless when it comes to emotional long term relationships, so don't cry about missing out on crazy. Seriously if I told you the same story would you think that reflects bad on me or would you think that woman is crazy. You could have been George Clooney and you wouldn't be able to have a good relationship with that person. Why are you letting a person like that get you down on yourself. Dude your are not a cheater, you are a single man with character. Big guy, mans man, you are in demand. You know how many good single women out there are looking for you? You are the catch here. This girl was an emotional junk bond. 

When you are shopping for a car if you are smart you don't decide that you found the right car as soon as you see one that you like. Nope you have to do research, get the best price, all that stuff. You should at least do the same with someone you want to spend a significant amount of your life with right? Right now you should be going out and just having fun. Date for at least a year. Do not give yourself emotionally to anyone for at least a year. Keep dating for the first few months, let them know that you are looking for someone with character. Make them earn you with their character. 

While you are doing that, get in shape and work on your career, practice your hobbies, do stuff in your community. The more you have to offer the more choices you will get. Also maybe get counseling, read books, learn about relationships, what makes good ones, how to be a good husband, how to communicate better. What woman need, and want emotionally which is hard for us guys, do this like preparing or training. Make learning about relationships and people's psychology one of your hobbies. All these things will help you feel like you are being proactive while you are searching. Us men do much better in life when we are in action. This is one way to do that. 

Here is the most important thing in all of this. STOP LETTING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMAN DEFINE YOUR SELF WORTH. Get your self worth from your own honor and character, these are the only things you can control. Everything else is a variable. Get comfortable with being alone. Learn to be happy with just yourself. Again this gives you the best leverage in your dating life. You need to change your thinking. If you get this even if the next one doesn't work out you will feel pain but not despair. If you get this you will project confidence and everyone both woman and men will want to be around you, admire you. You will have choices. 

Anyway done with the pep talk, hang in there brother, but you are the catch, own that!


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I think we all put a bit of emphasis into that first relationship after the divorce as well.. I know I did.. I've talked to a bunch of people and everyone describes that first, after divorce relationship, as "near perfect..." Even though it's clearly not.. There are red flags in your story, and my story (for that matter).. 

So, be gentle with yourself.. ESPECIALLY when losing your mom.. The following 6 months to a year are going to be an out of body experience, literally.. Especially if you are close.. Trust me, I speak from experience .. DO NOT contact her.. That is a ****ty attitude to take if you care about someone.. 

I'm so sorry about your mom. It's awful, I know.. But you will eventually find better. Or at least demand better


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EE AA Poe

Sorry for your pain.

I approach some issues differently.....sometimes obliquely. Bear with me.

They say that time heals all wounds.........if the wound does not drain you of hemoglobin or Mr. Fester you to the grave.

Your timepiece seems to be [presently] stuck at 9:20 pm under a full blue moon. The moon is vacillating...forward then retrograde. Slicing your life into bits and pieces, without mercy.

Such an evil-train-of-events has you in the center of it's tracks.

Within a short period you have been betrayed by a treacherous wife, a dear brother taken too early, your mother in her death throes. 

The slow moving train has flung off a vampire of a women. The nurse that you kindly befriended.

You need to lay low. Keep a wary eye on all who enter your life during this period. 

Forces beyond your conscious control are stirring about. 

Your niece and nephew are pawns in this play....as are you. Guard them. They travel the same path as you.....now. 

They are in [danger?] as are you. I have no train schedule.

I hate slow moving LOCO-motives.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Looks like it went from bad to worse. Hopefully third time's a charm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A dreadful situation.

But thank God you found out what she was like now and not later when you had invested your heart and soul in her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Poe said:


> I meet a girl. She had come out of a bad marriage where she had been physically abused. I met her as i own a small business and she came into my shop one day with a black eye. Apparently they had separated but tried to put it back together and he had beaten her down.
> 
> I got to a point where i assumed she would be a good restart back into the dating world and could possibly build a great relationship.


Surely this kind of thinking is flawed

Surely if god or such forces wanted to introduce you back into the dating world they'd send you a good wholesome trustworthy person, not a broken recently divorced woman with red flags waving all around her.

Maybe its the typical nice guy thing. Recently divorced, she's a little easier to manipulate, show her kindness, try to fix her, show her you're a better man than her terrible ex

So why is it any shock when it turns around and literally bites you in the tail?

Are you broken up over this because you trusted her even though she had been messed up royally throughout her marriage?

Are you broken up over this because your kindness or niceness hasn't been "repaid" because surely if you were doing it for those reasons then you shouldn't be looking for repayment or something back, again factoring in what she's been through you should expect she's a bit messed up.

Probably being a bit harsh but it's said sometimes it's the broken ones which seem to be easier targets, and that goes both ways too.
You say she pursued you, maybe she recognized the brokeness in you too.

Maybe now, in the harsh light, the next relationship will be with someone at the opposite end of the spectrum


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## Poe (Jun 17, 2016)

Thanks for all the replies, I genuinely read and thought about each one.

There is definitely alot to reflect on, my focus is, has been and will be my mother/family.

I'm almost 40, for the most part I think I've lived a good life and can't honestly say I had many large/traumatic problems before discovering the infidelity in my marriage a few years back. Since then, everything has been on a sharp decline in many ways.

There is probably a good argument here for therapy of sorts, im just not sure if that's the right route for me or not. 

My reference earlier to darkest days is based upon watching my mothers decline so quickly, or at any speed for that matter. She has always been mine and my brothers rock, we are proverbial momma's boys, and proud to be such.

Back to the girl, there's been absolutely no contact since discovery, which while knowing better, was still confronted through texts. And the lack of remorse or guilt was startling. So there's of course alot of that unfinished business feeling, which for me is tough. Even though I realize I never heard the truth from her and wouldn't get it now, its still an empty space. 

The dating thing is sort of nuts these days, I seem to have standards not found easily anymore. I doubt I'll ever look for a marriage again, but of course like most folks, I do like coming home to a warm home with family/the ones you love.

I do regularly go to the gym, get lost in books on the regular, have a successful business and really attempt to see the best in most situations. Music is always filling the air around me. So the majority of the small stuff is covered.

It's gonna be hard to risk what's left to care about someone again, I was never the guy that thought he would get married in the first place. 

I'll keep my chin up of course, but my shoulders are alot heavier these days.


Poe


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Poe said:


> Thanks and yes, theyre dragging me out tonight actually. I dont have a ton of friends in this small town, but its a tight circle. And youre right, I know whats good for me, but ive lost alot of that motivation. Hah ive yelled at myself a few times this week. Guessing like last time, it will take time. Being almost 40, this makes me feel like a child again in some respects, and the road is only gonna get tougher unfortunately.
> 
> 
> Poe


I hope you have a friend who will haul your azz a bit over all of this crap. She's a ho - leave it at that and move on. 

You should see a counselor to find out what it is about cheating women that attracts you. We all have FOO issues and it seems as though you are trying to rescue strays and rehabilitate them. Something like this must have happened in your childhood and you are now repeating this behavior hoping for a better outcome. Of course you are not aware of this - it's a subconscious way to try and heal some trauma you endured. It's going to lead to continued emotional pain of the worst kind and you can't resolve it by yourself - you need a counselor.


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## Poe (Jun 17, 2016)

Not really trying to rescue anyone, and to put it into perspective that's two that have cheated out of many that I've dated, previously to being married. 

My first wife came off as a pretty perfect woman for me, once we passed the 10 year mark things became strained. In the case with this one, my reasoning was simple. She had come out of a bad relationship as I had and maybe that would give her clarity for what she wanted out of the next as I had personally felt. 

As far as counseling, that may be in my future, but it would have to be after everything here comes to an end. Honestly I'm not attracted to brokeness, more so the opposite actually. Even when she entered my life beaten, she came off stronger than I would of thought. 

While I can try to understand how my patterns may look. I would want a woman that can stand by my side equally, not one I felt I had to fix or attempt too.


Poe


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I don't have any advice honey, but I am so sorry for what these women have put you through, and so saddened to hear about your mom. Sounds like you are a wonderful son. You will find a good woman down the line. Sending hugs!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Poe, I would suggest you just focus on family and friends for now, ok? Maybe a FWB woman, but nothing more. Wait til you've dealt with your mom's issues and everything else.

And find some time to take care of yourself, eat good, exercise, maybe get a puppy or kitten?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> A dreadful situation.
> 
> But thank God you found out what she was like now and not later when you had invested your heart and soul in her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes I agree


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

bigfoot said:


> Poe,
> 
> Nothing but sympathies and prayers for your mom. sorry about your brother as well.
> 
> ...


OP, please read this post repeatedly until it sinks in.

Sorry, brother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this; my heart goes out to you. I'm going to say very little about the horror show that came into your life and further fractured your already broken trust. She's not worth the effort it would take me to write out all of the scathing insults and uncharitable thoughts I have about her. 

What she did to you while you are suffering so with your mother's illness, when she should have been supporting and loving you...there aren't curse words strong enough to describe what I think of her.

You should try to file her under "bullets dodged", close that case, and lose it in the dusty annals in the back recesses of your mind. Soon you won't even remember that you've forgotten her. That is my wish for you anyway.

What I would like to offer you is heartfelt sympathy and understanding for what you and your family are going through with the sickness of your beloved mother. Please focus on the time you have left with her. That's where your heart, soul, and energy need to be channeled. I cared for my father as he died of liver cancer; he left far too soon for him and for me. 

He was my rock, my touchstone, my center, my everything. His cancer ate away at him and my faith, the very foundation of my life. I miss him terribly and still hold dear all of my precious memories of him, which I recall daily to revere his memory and remind me of who I am and where I came from.

The one blessing in the knowledge of his eminent death and his decline was that I spent as much time as I could with him before our shared time here ended. All of the misgivings or past hurts were forgotten and forgiven. We talked about any and every thing, laughed, cried, watched his favorite old movies, I made and/or bought all of his favorite foods which he tried to enjoy once more. We were blessed to have that time together. He died at home in my care with his loved ones praying over him, comforting his passage.

Please do not waste one more moment of this precious time you have left with your mother thinking about a cruel, heartless user who didn't deserve you in the first place. You're worth more than that and one day you will find your equal, someone who will cherish you for the rare treasure that you are. You're a good son with a good mother. Right now that's all you need to be. Be with her, mirror back all of the love, devotion, and care she gave to you and your brothers. In time your trust and heart will mend, you will be whole again. 

You, your mother, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Strength to you.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

This time the man upstairs was looking out for you. Sent you a warning before you got too invested. Don't look that gift horse in the mouth. Dump her, move on, and try again. You'll find a good one.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So sorry you are going through a shi...ty time then have to put up with this nonsense.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think some type of Talking Therapy is exactly what the doctor would order! 

Seriously, it has the capacity of being of great benefit to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you are really a good man. Taking care of your brothers kids-huge respect. Best wishes to you. 

Forget about this girl because she doesnt deserve you. You will find yourself a good woman,trust me. 

Stay strong.


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