# Are there any stories of reconciling after a MLC/Affair



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Not that I am planning on it - but does anyone know of any stories where the spouse who left for another person suddenly snaps out of the fog and come back remorseful and apologetic? Just curious if such a thing ever exists.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Yes.
It is awful. The evil twin vanishes just as fast as they arrive, and the person you knew arrives back. She arrived back at the place you were just before they walked out of the door. As though it was all a dream. 
The reality of the situation is crushing. Really, really crushing.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

really? I felt that at my son's graduation she talked to me like nothing happened and I told her so later. She asked why I was so detached from her - I said geez the first thing I expected from her was an apology - I didn't get one..........It was like and is possessed by some foreign being - it is like an evil force has entered her. Crushing for her or you?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes.
My Hs alien invasion lasted a year. Now he's back like nothing ever happened. He had serious MLC/breakdown and an EA turned PA with a co worker. I have been through a year of hell but we are in R and it is going well. We have been back together 5 months now. It's not easy but we both want the marriage to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> really? I felt that at my son's graduation she talked to me like nothing happened and I told her so later. She asked why I was so detached from her - I said geez the first thing I expected from her was an apology - I didn't get one..........It was like and is possessed by some foreign being - it is like an evil force has entered her. Crushing for her or you?


Mostly crushing her because She is expecting to see the guy she left and he just is not there anymore. I do find it hard to see too. She is showing genuine remorse and trying to do things for me. Very odd feeling.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

ing said:


> Mostly crushing her because She is expecting to see the guy she left and he just is not there anymore. I do find it hard to see too. She is showing genuine remorse and trying to do things for me. Very odd feeling.


Ing are you reconciling with your ex wife ?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well I would say HerHusband but I'm not so sure now


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ing said:


> Mostly crushing her because She is expecting to see the guy she left and he just is not there anymore. I do find it hard to see too. She is showing genuine remorse and trying to do things for me. Very odd feeling.



when did this start?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My wife didn'y really leave for one specific guy, but just left the marriage of sorts (we both did). I'm not sure how to word it but lets just say for 13 years she had 20 OM, all the while I did my own thing.

I finally started giving a damb about how my life was going and I confronted her 2-1/2 yrs ago. The confrontation was very effective and I made all the right moves....I was scared out of my mind, but the tough love approach worked for me and she wanted in.

We both owned our unhealthy behaviors and from that point forward it was all about remorse and starting a new marriage. It just worked for us, IDK how but it all came together that day.

Sure it took months for us to see what she had become and work on the preventive maintenence. As wierd as it was once I confronted it was like a switch was turned...all the unhealthy behaviors my fWW had just stopped.

Sure there was some fishing from TF and OM's but they all went unresponded to and these POS's just faded away.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> when did this start?


Well, this is interesting. We have to wait 12 months for Divorce. 
Told her I would Divorce her within three weeks of the affair.
When the time came I tried to do a joint Divorce which she initially agreed to and then at the last moment refused to sign. I tore it up and started it again. This time not involving her. 
So. She got served and guess what..

Sort of proves the affair busting effects of serving Divorce papers.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Mine had a 6 month PA. On D-Day, she was very unremorseful. Continued seeing the guy. That hurt worse then anything. 

with in 1 month I had sold her car, sold my boat, filed for divorce, and put out house on the market. She wasn't working, and going to school part time. 

Reality slowly started sinking in, and I had been doing the 180 for about 4 weeks. After I started losing weight, and decided I was done letting her hurt me, and started ignoring her, and spending more time with my son, and actually being happy again, I think it really hit her. 

She came back. It wasn't easy, but we are almost a year from D-Day out, and about 8 months out from the point we decided to reconcile.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I just started a post about my wife of 28 years leaving me for a tour guide.

I hope to god she snaps out and comes back, but I cant completely 180 because of our son, and whenever I go at her for ignoring him etc, the OM attacks me to her and she seems to be in the Fog.

However, she cries on the phone and slips up and says she loves me sometimes when she hangs up.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

SteveK - You need to detach completely for your own sake. Do you have someone else, family member or whatever, who can act on your behalf when communicating with her regarding your son. Really, DO NOT talk to her. Her tearful "I love yous" sound more like manipulation than anything else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Not that I am planning on it - but does anyone know of any stories where the spouse who left for another person suddenly snaps out of the fog and come back remorseful and apologetic? Just curious if such a thing ever exists.


Yes. My case. Though there wasn't much remorse, to be honest.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

TimesLikeThese said:


> SteveK - You need to detach completely for your own sake. Do you have someone else, family member or whatever, who can act on your behalf when communicating with her regarding your son. Really, DO NOT talk to her. Her tearful "I love yous" sound more like manipulation than anything else.


Funny thing is shes asking me to help her with her apartment because the OM is such a moron. Its hard to not discuss our son, he has an IQ over 140 combined with treated anxiety issues. He is really most important to me.

She was going to come see him today, but guess what, since shes living in a hotel with her partner, she did not want to make him sit around all day since that what he does while she works, so she chose him over her son today, it really got me pissed and when I texted her that she said I am full of it she would never put anyone before her son. I told her this is not a Hollywood Romance Novel it is real life.

Only thing is she said that the fact that when she tried to end her affair I was doing DIGS about it and checking up on her is why she contacted him again.,,,total BS she never actually stopped with him.


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## TimesLikeThese (Sep 13, 2012)

You being in contact with her isn't healthy for you. If you have to keep it all business. Don't worry about her relationship with your son, just worry about yours.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Not that I am planning on it - but does anyone know of any stories where the spouse who left for another person suddenly snaps out of the fog and come back remorseful and apologetic? Just curious if such a thing ever exists.


Yes, hubby and my story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

mineforever said:


> Yes, hubby and my story.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you explain how you reconnected. Where you the WAS or was he? Also did you do the 180, did either of you move out. Did you live with your AP etc.

I am just looking for answers. What do you think is the best advice you can give me? you can check out my story and confessions on my main thread. Thanks!!

Thanks in advance


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

ing said:


> Mostly crushing her because She is expecting to see the guy she left and he just is not there anymore. I do find it hard to see too. She is showing genuine remorse and trying to do things for me. Very odd feeling.


I never really saw it like that ... from her perspective. Yea, I guess she was expecting me to cater to her and be there for her as I always was - but when she saw I was not - she was dumb-founded. The way I see it - when I was in the relationship - I would do anything for her but when she stepped outside of it - that covenant was broken. The game changed. I guess she saw that - I recall when I left after I found out about it - she sent me nasty nasty emails and then at my son's graduation was nice to me...and I thought "Is this the same person who was writing those emails?" I guess she felt I abandoned her but I was not going to fight for a marriage where she was already outside of it! Get back in it and then talk - until then....Frankly, I still feel somewhat the same way (except it is 2 years down the road) and if I was not the same person then I am 2 years further away from that person now...so...but who knows. 

Good point though - it is like there is no link as to what they did and how they treat you?? Very confusing.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ok ....some backgound about us. I have been married to my hubby for 32 yrs. His affair happened 13 yrs ago. Big guy had a MLC in his mid 40's and he reconnected with his first love the person he thought was his soul mate. Big guy announced he wanted a divorce and that he had met someone. They had only been together for a week, but he was in a major fog. I got advise from a friend that told me these three things...

1. 98 percent of relationships that start as affairs fail.
2. Most WS ask to reconcile after 6 months, when the fog lifts.
3. If you love someone, you have to be willing to set them free....if that love comes back to you then its true love. You can't cage love...it has to be freely given.

He told me over the phone he was having an affair and wanted a divorce. I said I would fly home and meet him at th he house the next day. When we met the next day I told him that I loved him but would not beg him to stay. I also told him that I would give him 6 months to go figure himself out no questions asked. I told him the door to our home would be open for him to come home...but after 6 months I was closing the door and would agree to the divorce. I have a legal background so he understood I know the law and he wasn't going to hurry me to divorce. He left and called 5 days later asking to come home. Then the hard part started...rebuilding our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

We aren't yet middle aged. He was thirty-five when he cheated on me. However, I think that his affair was much like a mlc affair. Most of the issues started after he was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. Learning he had a life-long illness that could potentially shorten his life combined with his poor coping skills and addictive personality lead him down a really self-destructive and relationship destructive path.

He was extremely unremorseful when he left. This affair was his exit strategy (because getting me pregnant and cheating behind my back makes more sense than just leaving). He was indignant and convinced that life would be better with out me - life is short right? He could die sooner now, and deserved to be happy. I was the bain of his existence...

What made him come back was probably me doing the 180 and going totally dark on him. I was getting on with my life and busy with the kids and new friends and in particular, befriended a nice divorced, strict Christian guy who I did let around our youngest child (an infant at the time; my oldest never met him/knew about him). 

I was happy and ambivalent towards him whenever we saw each other. Of course, this was not overnight, I did write the letters, have the arguments and emotional outbursts at first. However, I see the stark contrast in his attitude from when I was clinging vs. when I let go. Letting go is so important! 

Seeing the new flowers in our house gifted to me when he'd come by to pick up our oldest son probably made him jealous. As did the fact that I was dressed to the nines when he came over and always on my way out the door. He started asking a lot about the guy I was seeing and I told him I was happy and being treated like a Queen which was true. The other guy was a true gentleman, very devout and traditional man. I also wished him happiness and that he found someone special who treated him as good as I was now being treated. He realized the guy I was casually seeing was around our baby more than he was.

Hurtful but true, I also told him that our baby didn't act strange with my friend but cries if you hold him because he doesn't know you and you don't visit him as much as you should. I know that woke him up and it was true. He would drive an hour and a half away in the opposite direction to see his wh0re but not ten minutes from work to see our sons. For your own kid not to like you - but like someone else. Someone that I did consider (not that I was jumping into it) marriage material -- now that has to hurt.

So yeah, it was doing the 180 and living my life again, ignoring and letting go of his B.S. that mostly did it. It's been said on here that you can't cry, beg, plead, or implore, reason or logic with a WS who wants to continue cheating. It's so true in my experience. So it was that, and the fact that his other woman was bat-sh!t crazy and I'm not, that made him realize the grass is not greener.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

mineforever said:


> Ok ....some backgound about us. I have been married to my hubby for 32 yrs. His affair happened 13 yrs ago. Big guy had a MLC in his mid 40's and he reconnected with his first love the person he thought was his soul mate. Big guy announced he wanted a divorce and that he had met someone. They had only been together for a week, but he was in a major fog. I got advise from a friend that told me these three things...
> 
> 1. 98 percent of relationships that start as affairs fail.
> 2. Most WS ask to reconcile after 6 months, when the fog lifts.
> ...



Thing is she is being courted by this guy and he is traveling with her etc.
But now she keeps telling me that if he tries to control her she is done with him...if you read his texts or hear his messages they are all controlling!

She has even been lying to him about having dates with me!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SteveK said:


> She has even been lying to him about having dates with me!


Why are you dating your ongoing cheating wife scapes me.
:scratchhead:


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Acabado said:


> Why are you dating your ongoing cheating wife scapes me.
> :scratchhead:


We met for coffee at a local diner to discuss our son, before you knew it it was three hours.
Then she invited me back to my house while she was there with my son...her lawyer said she should not be at the house alone with me ( I am living in the house with my son).


I called it a date.

I want that POSOM to blow an artery and stroke out right in front of her...I truly believe he has a deep seated emotional problem that he is covering up...

I just hope he never hits her... .she'll beat the crap out of him


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SteveK said:


> We met for coffee at a local diner to discuss our son, before you knew it it was three hours.
> Then she invited me back to my house while she was there with my son...her lawyer said she should not be at the house alone with me ( I am living in the house with my son).
> 
> 
> ...


Next time snap a pic of you, your wife and son. Text it to him.

Let him have a coronary by himself. He deserves it.


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

My wife and I are in a type of R. Actually jm, I really want to talk with you because our situations, and feeling towards it are so very similar. Pm me.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Mineforever and Misstaken... Two great examples of how and why 180 is the best approach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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