# Not sure what the next move is



## Marriagewoes (Aug 19, 2013)

Hi All,

New to this forum...found it by typing in random marriage problems on google...lol. Great way to fix a marriage I know but maybe just looking for random tips and advice.

Long story short: I am married, been with the same woman for 12+years and married for 4+. We have a 3 year old daughter and two dogs. We have built a lot together starting from college. We do lots of activities together and share passions about the sports we are into. We play together...well, did, until we had a kiddo. Then parent life came into play and the marriage end of things has really gone down hill.

We both have issues we need to work on internally. We have had numerous fights that stem from them over the years. Some of them more serious than others but they are increasingly serious and words about divorce and separation have been a common theme lately. There are things that she hasn't dealt with that have been serious triggers for a while now. I have told her I have considered leaving her on and off for years now because of some of her behavior that I can't seem to deal with or don't want to deal with anymore (self esteem, confidence, etc.). I am open minded and realize life is a work in progress for all of us. I have been seeing a therapist off and on for the past few months and trying to work on myself so I can be okay with my own things. Tried lots before this one that never worked so have read a number of self help books over the years which help to some varying degree. Finally found one that is pretty good thru the recommendation of a friend. 

Here is where it gets sticky...I started seeing this therapist because I have been having an affair with someone. This person got married during the affair and left on their honeymoon for a week and I was missing her like crazy. She was messaging me on her honeymoon saying the same...long story short, this has been going on for a while and now both of us are struggling with our feelings for each other but don't want to mess up our current lives...which seems to be happening anyhow for me...so we have decided to minimize contact and refrain from physical contact as well. Its been hard but its for the best. I miss her like crazy some days. My wife doesn't know that we had an ongoing physical affair but does know that we had an emotional affair going on because of text records and FB messages she found. I told her we stopped but it went on longer and now it has come to an end somewhat on our own.

Back to my marriage...I know that I can't move forward with my marriage without stopping the affair so thats pretty well done now. I'm really trying to focus on working on our relationship. We have been fighting and triggering each other daily. So much that I have shut down and stopped caring about her issues anymore and she is shutting down and not talking to me about her stuff. I think we are both wondering if we will ever get along again sometimes. I continue to work on my stuff and after several arguments and me pointing out she hasn't been working on her stuff, she has finally started. I'm having a really hard time at this point and I know she needs time to work thru stuff before changing but its gone on for so long that I have less patience now than ever. 

I keep wondering what it will be like to be divorced at 36. Not the awesomest thought...but I know I could make it fine. I am worried about my daughter first and foremost as she would suffer the most. I don't want to divorce but at this point I really don't want to be around her at all most days. It seems as though we can't have much of a conversation without triggering each other and getting into a fight. We went to a couples counsler in the past but he didn't really help us. Then we tried going to my/our guy (she started seeing the same therapist which I'm not to keen on but she deserves a good therapist too...) but as luck would have it, we showed up and he misscheduled us and already had another client booked...doh. My biggest hold up to couple counseling is that she needs to be working on her own crap if we are gonna make any use of counseling together but after she said she would make a bigger effort to go on her own, I agreed to go.

As I sit and think about this, I just wonder how many have been here. Wondering whether the effort is worth it to save a marriage or if it might just be time to call it good. I also wonder, how many other husbands look at other women and wish they could be with someone else from time to time (or lately everyday for me). I have always looked at other women and been attracted to them and never really felt the marriage we have satisfied everything in that department although we do have a pretty good sex life. I often lust after other women and feel that my wife (although in great shape and pretty) never gave me that head over heels feeling. That may be my own inner work I need to do but I'm not totally sure. Just rambling now...I have left out tons of details but would welcome any advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your marriage has zero chance of recovery.

Why do I say this? Because you carry a huge secret from your wife, your affair. You and your wife are not even talking about the same things when you have a discussion. It's not wonder all you do is fight.

The only hope you have of saving your marriage is for you to start by telling your wife about the affair.

Then, after that it's you wife's choice on whether or not she wants to recover the marriage.

Your affair partner's new husband is going to find out about this as well. In the end you will probably lose both women and your child. This is your doing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Repairing a marriage requires emotional honesty. You expect your wife to work on her issues, while you are pining for another woman and hiding it from your wife. Do you see how that is never going to work?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do your wife a favor and divorce her.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Everyone has heard the phrase "Honesty is the best policy". Case in point, you aren't honest with your wife and now your marriage is over. You have to tell her about your affair, all of it. At least be a man and give your wife the choice of whether or not she can accept your deceit. Then, if she wants to continue, you have to be honest with yourself. 
Do you really want to continue? Staying with your wife for the sake of your daughter does not work. Your daughter is better off with two parents who are divorced and get along than parents that fight all the time. 
I am not going to pass judgment on you even though your post made me angry. You have done a VERY selfish act. It doesn't matter what someone does, it gives you no right to cheat. If you were pining so bad, then tell your wife and ask for a divorce. You do not stay in a commitment that you cannot keep. You get out first and then you have sex with whoever you want.
Please take everyone's advice here and be honest with your wife. Enough making excuses!


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