# Forgiving is one thing forgetting is another



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

As this goes along, I don't think forgiviness is the hardest thing, you forgive, you want to stay together work things out rebuild repair or whatever you call it and so you do or try.
There is no lack of forgiviness (provided the CS really wants to stay in the relationship and wants to change) but when you look at them you see 2 faces almost 2 different people. The first one who you love, care for and want to be with and the second the one who didn't love you, didn't care, broke you in two with the brutal things they have done to you.
Besides lack of remorse or the infidelity not stopping or happening again, the inability to forget is what ultimately dooms an R. 
I will touch her and then think is that where he touched her, is that how she sounded when she was with him, does she think about him when I touch her the same way he did?
The constant burden of seeing, remembering or imaging the details is what wears on you everyday to a point of breaking. They say time will make this better and while I hope for that and desire to stay in this relationship I wonder how long mentally and physically I will be able to hold out.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I know how you feel.

I think maybe some people can't get over things like this, but I believe they may be as few and far between as those who feel no pain either.

Most of us are somewhere on the line in between and it's just a matter of keeping your head down and gritting your teeth on the bad days.

Keep on sharing your thoughts on here and hopefully that will help.

It might also help to know that lots on here are rooting for you and every day still married and working for happiness is a Good Thing and A Success.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

When forgiving Infidelity, you can bury the hatchet but part of the handle will always be sticking out of the ground. It will always be a reminder of what's under there. All you can do is plant some flowers around it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can get over it, if you really want to. I did. But it wasn't easy at first. Not at all.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Time does heal.
The thoughts get fewer and the mind movies become less.
Of course it will never go away but with a truly remorseful spouse the healing will continue and any thoughts and fears you may have can be discussed and put to rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think being cheated on is the gift that just keeps giving. Nothing is the same. Your foundation...you roots are ripped out from under you. Suddenly, anywhere you see a story line that includes cheating now you can say "yeah, I know all about that....great.." What the experience left me with is the feeling that everything is temporary. Things are good until they aren't. I think if you do have a spouse that does what has to be done to attempt a save (admit and come clean, acknowledge the pain and suffering, apologize, make a huge effort to make it up and promise profusely to never let anything even close happen again) then in time you might be able to box up the past anf live from that point forward making new memories.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

double post.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> I think being cheated on is the gift that just keeps giving. Nothing is the same. Your foundation...you roots are ripped out from under you. Suddenly, anywhere you see a story line that includes cheating now you can say "yeah, I know all about that....great.." What the experience left me with is the feeling that everything is temporary. Things are good until they aren't. I think if you do have a spouse that does what has to be done to attempt a save (admit and come clean, acknowledge the pain and suffering, apologize, make a huge effort to make it up and promise profusely to never let anything even close happen again) then in time you might be able to box up the past anf live from that point forward making new memories.


Yep told her that a few times already


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> When forgiving Infidelity, you can bury the hatchet but part of the handle will always be sticking out of the ground. It will always be a reminder of what's under there. All you can do is plant some flowers around it.


Thats a great way of putting it!! :smthumbup:


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You could also add:

Trust is gone.
Pain is ever present.

Tough to be in that place, dude.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

love=pain said:


> I will touch her and then think is that where he touched her, is that how she sounded when she was with him, does she think about him when I touch her the same way he did?
> .


This is the worst part for a BS, I guess. 
You'll never know when/if the WS is thinking about the AP again...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> This is the worst part for a BS, I guess.
> You'll never know when/if the WS is thinking about the AP again...


But you will know. You will know when you spouse is truly remorseful and has no thoughts for the AP. You will know when they are fully engaged in the marriage. For some this will be a few days, a few weeks. For others some months. If you really believe that your spouse can't 'get over' the AP or appears to be still mourning them months after R then maybe it's time to move on.

My H had a very deep EA with his AP, that briefly turned physical. We have been back together for 9 months now. If I had the slightest notion that he was any way still invested in her then it would be over. Ask the questions you need to ask. Don't sit there and suffer. If the Your WS can't handle the tough questions and answer you over and over then they are really now 100% committed to R. 
We went through one false R and I can tell you it's so different from the real thing. Go with your gut. What are your instincts telling you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

She has done everything I have asked and continues to thank me for staying. And while all that makes me feel better I still have to live with all the stuff she has done. I don't know maybe what they say is true and it can take several years for things to get better gonna be a long road to get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

love=pain said:


> She has done everything I have asked and continues to thank me for staying. And while all that makes me feel better I still have to live with all the stuff she has done. I don't know maybe what they say is true and it can take several years for things to get better gonna be a long road to get there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When was your dday?

How long have you been working on recovery?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

love=pain said:


> She has done everything I have asked and continues to thank me for staying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like she is doing her part. She should be carrying a load of guilt around and be so thankful that you're willing to give her a second chance. She has to know that she burned the trust and that it will be a long time before that comes back. Her actions and your gut will guide you. Time does help but at some point you also have to say "this isn't going to be the event that defines the rest of my life". Her actions define her...not you. Kinda heavy....sorry for that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think forgiveness is necessary to get over infidelity---IF you are not staying with the cheater.

You don't have to be a seething ball of anger either despite not forgiving.

To me, some things are unforgivable. 

Theft of time, getting infected with an STD, and so on.

Ultimately, you can move on.

However, this acceptance that crap happened is decidedly not forgiveness.

If you are to remain with someone somehow forgiveness must be given or it won't work out.

Hence, my pursuing divorce. I can't forgive her basically remorseless attitude with no personal accountability.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I am not wired for R. I've noticed all my adult life that once someone does something to me, it is as if they instantly become almost like a stranger. ( I'm sure there is some psychological term for this) The memory of any positive experience i have had with this person get wiped out and all that is left is the anger from the betrayal, which helps tremendously when enacting consequences and holding a grude. I'm good at grudges. I'm really really bad at forgivness, I'm even worse at forgetting. One of the reasons I can't see myself married is that it would be to easy for me to divorce. Why put yourself through all that pain when you can start fresh with someone new?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> It sounds like she is doing her part. She should be carrying a load of guilt around and be so thankful that you're willing to give her a second chance. She has to know that she burned the trust and that it will be a long time before that comes back. Her actions and your gut will guide you. Time does help but at some point you also have to say *"this isn't going to be the event that defines the rest of my life"*. Her actions define her...not you. Kinda heavy....sorry for that.


While this isn't the event that defines my life, it is the event that sums it all up, been through more than I care to remember and this well the icing on the cake.
So this may not be the defining moment of my life but for my marriage it sure feels like it. It will either end because of this or we will find a way to make this work and maybe it will be better than it was but one thing is certian IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I absolutely agree with you. I'm just saying that at some point you need a moment where you focus on "the rest of my life". When you've been through hell, resurrect yourself and live again/anew.


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