# Is it really over...



## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

I'll try not to make the post too long! Me and hubby have had martial issues. There was simply no communication between us and the hubby worked long hours and pretty much every weekend so he was never. Whilst I appreciate this was done for the family, it's driven a wedge between the two of us. I have worked from home and looked after the kids. There was simply no help from him and everything was left to me. To cut a long story short, he moved out and got his own place about a month ago. We have stayed on good terms and we were considering going back to basics and start dating again - unfortunately this hasn't materialised.

The difficulty I have now is I've come to realise that whilst he's not here, things don't feel any different except I feel like there is less pressure ie no-one coming home expecting his tea on the table or me having to nag because he's never here or helping with kids and cleaning, etc. Life seems a lot easier and less stressful being separated.

Covid hit us and two of my children got covid. They haven't seen their dad for almost 2 weeks (one child got it and then the other so we've isolated all this time). Surprisingly the kids don't seem to be effected by it - maybe because their dad wasn't around pre-separation.

I don't necessarily want to give up on the marriage but being apart is telling me that we are better off separated then together. I love him but not sure if I'm in love with him. I don't pine over him like I have done in the past when we have separated and I know if he meets someone else, it will hit me like a tonne of bricks - it may be true what they say, you don't want him but don't want anyone else having him. 

As it stands at the moment we talk every day but I feel like I'm a back up. A family friend has moved in with him and he doesn't call unless he is out and about, home alone or at work. We sort of act like we are boyfriend and girlfriend ie if we see each other then we will kiss and we have had sex since separating.

I've mentioned marriage counselling but he wouldn't even consider this as he's a private person and wouldn't wish to speak to anyone about our issues. 

I suppose the time will have to come where we sit down and discuss exactly what is going on but the more time I spend away from him, the more it feels right that we shouldn't be together. 

Has anyone been in a similar situation?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lonelywife82 said:


> I don't necessarily want to give up on the marriage but being apart is telling me that we are better off separated then together.


I think this is your answer, along with his refusal to see a marriage therapist. 

Stop having sex with him and stop being his plan B. He can't have his cake and eat it too, unless you let him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is the family friend male?


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

bobert said:


> I think this is your answer, along with his refusal to see a marriage therapist.
> 
> Stop having sex with him and stop being his plan B. He can't have his cake and eat it too, unless you let him.


I know I need to because the more I do the more I'm making it confusing for myself


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is the family friend male?


No female but no concerns there as she's a 72 year old woman and we're late 30s/early 40s. I think he sees her as his mum. He lost his a few years ago and tends to seek that mother figure


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some people are decent people and make for decent friends, good coparents and perhaps even decent sex partners,, but they just do not perform at the level that you truly want in a spouse. 

You haven't mentioned anything about abuse or cheating or alcoholism etc so it doesn't sound like there is any actual foul play taking place here....... it just sounds like he doesn't meet your expectations or performing what you want in a spouse. 

I see a few options here. 

One is to divorce and try to maintain as amicable of a coparenting relationship as possible and if as two consenting adults you want to have saturday night dinner/movie dates and even have sex when mood strikes, so be it. That could probably go on until one of you meets someone else that you or he wants to be with more. 

The other is to carry on as married couple under one roof but lower your expectations and accept that you may not have the Disney type perfect marriage that you have previously envisioned. 

What you need to understand with having a primary complaint of having your partner not help out around the house enough is if you split up and are living separate lives is that now YOU are truly taking care of the house and kids and such one your own. 

So what is telling here is that even though you are living on your own, the fact that you are enjoying that more than having him around is a major sign. 

What you have to determine is if you are better off with him or better off without him under the same roof. Only you can determine that.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You don’t want him, but don’t want anyone else having him. That’s very telling. Would you feel differently if you already had a more compatible man who was around more, helped out etc and then your husband found someone? 

So picture the situation, you’re loved up elsewhere and happy, then he meets someone. Do you feel relieved, do you feel ‘phew! Someone else has got him!’ Or, ‘hmm, new man isn’t all the great, I’m jealous now that my husband has someone else’.? 

Were you both having regular and good sex? Or was one rejecting the other in the lead up to this?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lonelywife82 said:


> Covid hit us and two of my children got covid. They haven't seen their dad for almost 2 weeks (one child got it and then the other so we've isolated all this time). Surprisingly the kids don't seem to be effected by it - maybe because their dad wasn't around pre-separation.


I think the writing is on the wall here - he simply is not marriage and family material. 

I'm not the world's best housekeeper or SuperDad either, but I don't care if my kids had the Andromeda Strain, I would be doing whatever I could to take care of them. I wouldn't just be gone for two weeks because they had a nasty cold. 

I think it's also telling that the kids don't seem to notice/care. 

My wife is a pediatric nurse and whenever the kids were hurt or sick or scared about something etc, they would ask for dad. 

He may be a good income bringer homer. He may be handsome and sexy. He may be a fun guy and someone people enjoy going out with and doing things with. 

But he just isn't husband and father material. Probably most men aren't. 

As I said in my other post, you need to weigh between getting a fair divorce settlement and child support and maybe him seeing them every now and then or how to divy up holiday dinners. 

Or lowering your expectations and remaining in the house with someone who brings home a pay check and pays some bills but doesn't really do a whole lot much else.


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## MumbleBoy (Nov 6, 2021)

You could also talk to him in a private setting (just you and him and no one else; not even the kids) and talk openly and honestly with each other without yelling, screaming or blaming, and see if (1) it is financially feasible he works less hours so he can be home more and if so (2) you then expect him to contribute a certain amount of effort to the household chores.

It could well be that your husband feels like he is working himself ragged to support you and the kids and that on top of that you expect him to help you with the house chores.

Your other option is to pull the plug in your marriage and move on with your life. Being like a "dating" couple with animosity towards each other is not only healthy; it will eventually lead to full on separation and finally divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You haven’t really given his reasons for separating. What were the reasons he stated?

you talk every day but he’s moved out? That doesn’t make any sense.

there’s got to be more to this story.

usually men want to move out to clear the way for a new woman, but the 72 year old living with him doesn’t add up to cheating.

what are you not telling us?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re separated, not dating each other, but having sex with him? That sounds like a hookup to me and unless you’re into that you’re just complicating your life while you figure your relationship out.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Some people are decent people and make for decent friends, good coparents and perhaps even decent sex partners,, but they just do not perform at the level that you truly want in a spouse.
> 
> You haven't mentioned anything about abuse or cheating or alcoholism etc so it doesn't sound like there is any actual foul play taking place here....... it just sounds like he doesn't meet your expectations or performing what you want in a spouse.
> 
> ...


Thank you.

There's no abuse or alcoholism and whilst he strayed a few years back, the separation isn't based on that, I forgave him for that - I don't condone what he did but he had just lost his sister to brain cancer so he went off the rails so to speak.

We separated due to simply losing that spark. He would come back and then spend his entire time watching facebook videos. There was no conversation or interaction of any sought. I'd be running around trying to get everything sorted, making tea, homework and reading with boys and he would sit there. I wasn't expecting him to all of a sudden start getting a hoover out or doing the dishes but an offer of help would have been nice.

I appreciate that I am having to do it all now on my own but I suppose I felt like a single parent in a marriage and it started to get to me.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You don’t want him, but don’t want anyone else having him. That’s very telling. Would you feel differently if you already had a more compatible man who was around more, helped out etc and then your husband found someone?
> 
> So picture the situation, you’re loved up elsewhere and happy, then he meets someone. Do you feel relieved, do you feel ‘phew! Someone else has got him!’ Or, ‘hmm, new man isn’t all the great, I’m jealous now that my husband has someone else’.?
> 
> Were you both having regular and good sex? Or was one rejecting the other in the lead up to this?


I'll be honest the last thing I want to do is meet another man, I'm concentrating on me and the boys. We'd been together for 15 years so if he found someone else then it would feel strange. He's the first man I've lived with, married, had kids with, etc. We have split up before and he met someone else - that didn't work out and we ended up working things out. When he met someone else I did feel jealous but I didn't want to lose him in the first place whereas this time I feel more ready to move on - I do still clinge on hoping that he will change but he's become a workaholic and puts that before his family. If I could say for 100% that he would change and put us first then I don't think I would want to give up.

Before we separated the spark had gone, no communication and the sex deteriorated. We both got to that point though to be honest so it wasn't just one of us.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

MumbleBoy said:


> You could also talk to him in a private setting (just you and him and no one else; not even the kids) and talk openly and honestly with each other without yelling, screaming or blaming, and see if (1) it is financially feasible he works less hours so he can be home more and if so (2) you then expect him to contribute a certain amount of effort to the household chores.
> 
> It could well be that your husband feels like he is working himself ragged to support you and the kids and that on top of that you expect him to help you with the house chores.
> 
> Your other option is to pull the plug in your marriage and move on with your life. Being like a "dating" couple with animosity towards each other is not only healthy; it will eventually lead to full on separation and finally divorce.


We have tried talking but nothing seems to happen. We both earn good salaries so I think he enjoyed working others - it's the work on the side that was interferring not his actual job. I didn't expect him to start cleaning the house top to bottom but at least offer some help even if it was cook a meal once in a while or put the dishes in the dishwasher. His response was that I didn't get the kids to help so i did a rota for us all and the boys did their small part but his never materialised - it was basic stuff like cook or take rubbish out - nothing strenuous.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lonelywife82 said:


> We have tried talking but nothing seems to happen. We both earn good salaries so I think he enjoyed working others - it's the work on the side that was interferring not his actual job. I didn't expect him to start cleaning the house top to bottom but at least offer some help even if it was cook a meal once in a while or put the dishes in the dishwasher. His response was that I didn't get the kids to help so i did a rota for us all and the boys did their small part but his never materialised - it was basic stuff like cook or take rubbish out - nothing strenuous.


I think that he's in the wrong. 
Men should understand that the main reason why women want them to help around the house is so they can be more independent than they have demonstrated. 
That's one of the things I have learned from this site is dependent men are mothered men, and one of the reasons women fall out of love with them.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You haven’t really given his reasons for separating. What were the reasons he stated?
> 
> you talk every day but he’s moved out? That doesn’t make any sense.
> 
> ...


There were a number of reasons for the separation. We lost that spark - there was no sex and lack of communication; we became more like friends. He would come in from work and then sit on his phone watching videos. I'd be sorting out tea or doing something for the boys and he wouldn't move. Granted he was tired but an offer would have been nice. I never expected him to do anything too much as I knew he was tired. We decided to take a break and go back to dating to see if there was anything still there but that never materialised.

The bottom line of it was I felt lonely and a single parent whilst in the marriage which even I could see wasn't healthy. The whole point of him moving out was to see if we could go back to the beginning (as best as we could which is difficult when you have kids and no one to watch them whilst you go out). If he had his own place, he would need to look after the kids whilst he had them and do the cleaning of his own place so he said maybe thats what he needed to give him a kick up the backside. Unfortunately the 72 year old does the cleaning and cooking whilst he is at work so he's not had to cook or clean once which doesn't help the reason why he moved out in the first place. 

I also wanted him to spend time with the kids and do things with them because he is a great dad and the boys love him but he's just been absent - even when he was in the house if that makes sense.

Once the lady moves back into her house maybe then things will change.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

From what I’ve seen talk or words get you nothing. Sorry


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> From what I’ve seen talk or words get you nothing. Sorry





Lonelywife82 said:


> There were a number of reasons for the separation. We lost that spark - there was no sex and lack of communication; we became more like friends. He would come in from work and then sit on his phone watching videos. I'd be sorting out tea or doing something for the boys and he wouldn't move. Granted he was tired but an offer would have been nice. I never expected him to do anything too much as I knew he was tired. We decided to take a break and go back to dating to see if there was anything still there but that never materialised.
> 
> The bottom line of it was I felt lonely and a single parent whilst in the marriage which even I could see wasn't healthy. The whole point of him moving out was to see if we could go back to the beginning (as best as we could which is difficult when you have kids and no one to watch them whilst you go out). If he had his own place, he would need to look after the kids whilst he had them and do the cleaning of his own place so he said maybe thats what he needed to give him a kick up the backside. Unfortunately the 72 year old does the cleaning and cooking whilst he is at work so he's not had to cook or clean once which doesn't help the reason why he moved out in the first place.
> 
> ...


He sounds like he has a calm or turtle personality.
He turtles in his shell until it all blows over. 

He avoids confrontation at all costs.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I think that he's in the wrong.
> Men should understand that the main reason why women want them to help around the house is so they can be more independent than they have demonstrated.
> That's one of the things I have learned from this site is dependent men are mothered men, and one of the reasons women fall out of love with them.


I just wanted to feel that we were a team but it was more me. I work from home at the minute so I tried to keep on top of the house as well as working so there wasn't too much to do in the evening but at a weekend, even if he wasn't working, there was no help or even an offer of help. If he had to do cleaning and it wasn't up to scratch then he would just get angry and say how dirty it was etc and everyone would feel it. I got to a point where I didn't ask anymore because it saved the argument. 

He would comment if it hadn't been done but not if it was clean and I'd spent hours doing it. I suppose I wanted the appreciation that I'd done it but I only ever heard from him if it hadn't been done. I thought he was being unfair coming in saying it wasn't clean when there was no help from him and his answer to it was "you're at home" - granted I am but I do also have to work, I have targets to meet.


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## Lonelywife82 (Jul 31, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He sounds like he has a calm or turtle personality.
> He turtles in his shell until it all blows over.
> 
> He avoids confrontation at all costs.


He definitely avoids confrontation and maybe that's why he worked so much to avoid any confrontation at home but then you're stuck in a situation where I'd have to just be quiet and say nothing if that makes sense.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lonelywife82 said:


> I just wanted to feel that we were a team but it was more me. I work from home at the minute so I tried to keep on top of the house as well as working so there wasn't too much to do in the evening but at a weekend, even if he wasn't working, there was no help or even an offer of help. If he had to do cleaning and it wasn't up to scratch then he would just get angry and say how dirty it was etc and everyone would feel it. I got to a point where I didn't ask anymore because it saved the argument.
> 
> He would comment if it hadn't been done but not if it was clean and I'd spent hours doing it. I suppose I wanted the appreciation that I'd done it but I only ever heard from him if it hadn't been done. I thought he was being unfair coming in saying it wasn't clean when there was no help from him and his answer to it was "you're at home" - granted I am but I do also have to work, I have targets to meet.


He is being unfair. 
Men tend to have more energy than women and longer days don't bother them, unless they work in a hard physical job. 
He should be doing more, if only in principle, that he can learn to take care of a house in the event that something happens to you and he needs to.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lonelywife82 said:


> He definitely avoids confrontation and maybe that's why he worked so much to avoid any confrontation at home but then you're stuck in a situation where I'd have to just be quiet and say nothing if that makes sense.


When I get home, I will pm you. 
I have a book on personalities and I may be able to give you some insight as to how to deal with him that you might not have thought of. 
I'm not promising results.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lonelywife82 said:


> _*We separated due to simply losing that spark. He would come back and then spend his entire time watching facebook videos. There was no conversation or interaction of any sought. I'd be running around trying to get everything sorted, making tea, homework and reading with boys and he would sit there. I wasn't expecting him to all of a sudden start getting a hoover out or doing the dishes but an offer of help would have been nice.*_



Call it what it is. He's basically useless.

Funny that he sought yet another mommy figure to take care of his lazy ass after he left his mommy-wife.

Why on earth you'd want him back boggles my mind.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Lonelywife82 said:


> I also wanted him to spend time with the kids and do things with them because he is a great dad and the boys love him but he's just been absent - even when he was in the house if that makes sense.


You need to reassess your opinion of his fathering. The paragraph shouts that he is uninvolved and doesn't really care about his kids. He is the biggest kid in the family. He keeps proving it over and over.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s cheated on you multiple times and lost all feelings for you. When a person gives their emotions to another person, it kills whatever emotions they have for the person they betrayed. Your husband not only doesn’t live you, he doesn’t love his kids (or he’d want to see them daily) and he doesn’t want any kind of responsibility so he’s headed out.

I agree with someone else: he’s useless.

JMO: You are a woman who is able to be happy abd content with life. You’d make a fine wife for a decent man. No hurry dating. But I hope you won’t deprive some lucky decent guy of a good wife forever.


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