# Am I being stupid?



## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Hi all, new to this. Just want to type this out and see what people think... Bear with me. It will be long..I feel a bit pathetic but I am lost at the moment... Its not something I can talk to anyone about properly. I have changed forum section and reposted from anxiety as more suited to the general section?
So... ive been with my partner for nearly 2 years. I'm in my late 30s (female) and it is the relationship I have been waiting my whole life for after disasters... where I feel truly like I am someone's girlfriend, great mutual attraction, we're both attractive, fit people... I feel solid and contented, involved with his family and him with mine etc, really great... Except...and its major ... He is impotent. ( He is in 30s too). There I said it... 

So its been a gradual realisation as over time just never happened. i cannot believe I can be this (un)lucky. ... and have waited this long and now ... no sex. I am not sex crazy but its tough. We get close to it and then ... He cant. I have been very patient supportive etc but he has spells (weeks) where he wont even cuddle me and it gets tense. I have said to his face more than once that I am worried about the physical side of us and we need to deal with it. He just says hes stressed at work and thats all. Nothing wrong with me and him.Like end of subject. 
So because of this major problem I feel like things are silently crumbling and i worry about the long term. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but one night I mentioned Id like children in a gentle non demanding way... i mean im 38... I dont panic about marriage but I do panic about fertility and risks of being an older mum... (Obviously I would like to be having regular sex with my boyfriend first...) He said yes ... in a kind of mildly exasperated tone. 
Somehow, We plan on living together but i said fresh start, new house. 
But he is getting really uptight and does not budge on much even really tiny everyday house stuff which is making me doubt living with him let alone anything else. Plus how does he think we can live together if we havent ever had full sex?
He really is great although this text will no doubt focus on the negatives... So there are lots of positives with him but if there are these things that are niggling me now? Plus the impotence... Always there..
He s very uptight about domestic stuff. Very particular about little things being as he likes and doesnt adapt to me. At the moment this is tricky because I stay with him at his place 3 nights a week so its his turf. I have learned to adapt myself a lot.
So examples of my niggles are... 
He criticises me snoring which upsets me. I try and sleep all night on my side. Then apologises. He is quite messy and im tidy. Ive loosened up a lot I think. He puts the duvet on the bed in a deliberate mess and when I just make the bed he really doesnt like it. Said it drives him crazy. weird?? Makes me feel like its weird of me to want a flat duvet. I said yesterday how can we live together if we cant agree on a duvet? No answer from him.
He doesnt want to go abroad with me but wont be clear about it, even though I love to travel and said id like us to together. He just says he loves our own country and he says not scared of flying. So we are nearly on our 4th non foreign trip. I do enjoy them but...

So finally my questions. Is he a control freak or if I tackle the impotence would that unlock everything? Am I just too scared to be single again after finding him? I do love him and he loves me. But If you love someone surely you compromise. I think I have. Am i being too weak with him to avoid us breaking up. Scared of failing again? I dont think we should live together until we resolve stuff. I am willing to talk more and even argue. Maybe healthy to do that but its one of those things a woman cant really get maybe. i want us to go to a doctor but he hasnt even got a doctor and hates docs & hospitals etc.
I feel like we re living a bit of lie .
Please help, 
what should my next step be?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Has he always been critical of you on the little things or has it escalated after the impotency issue popped up? 

Before you make any decisions on whether you want to marry him or not, you need to get to the bottom of the cause of his impotency ASAP. If it's physical, then I do not see any recourse for you aside from breaking it off with him. If there is nothing physically wrong, and it's mental, then there are some options here. If he refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue with the impotency that needs to be fixed, then you break it off and go your separate ways. If he acknowledges the issue and tries to address it head on, then stay with him if you love him.

Sex is critical to the health of a healthy marriage - when the marriage involves 2 otherwise healthy individuals. Going into a marriage with someone who is impotent would be a disaster IMHO.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

The impotence sounds like it needs to have a medical opinion. Some men are hesitant or even negative about that but it needs attention both for your intimate life and your desire to have children. If you are still relatively newly married and the sex is absent for whatever reasons he gives, it won't likely improve on its own and needs attention.
On the other items, sounds like you are still getting used to living with one another. If both in your late 30's and this is your first live together situation, both of you may be used to the single life and need to find adjustment through compromise and patience.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It saddens me to read that this is the best relationship you've had and the one you've "always wanted" when you go on to reveal that you've got MANY compatibility issues. 

Sexual compatibility is one of them, and I'll come back to that in a moment, but the stuff you said about the duvet and snoring highlights that you're not very compatible emotionally, either. These are some serious red flags, because he's already criticizing you. 

But I'm sure you're probably not ready to see this yet, so I'll stick to the impotence issue.

He has told you that there is nothing wrong with him and that it's because he is under stress at work. I call baloney on two years being so stressful that he can't perform sexually. Either he has a physical or psychological condition that interferes, has a fetish he's ashamed of, or he's not interested in women. 

You also said he won't cuddle you. This is a major red flag that leads me to think it could be the last one... that he's just not interested in women but feels a need to pass as a "normal" heterosexual guy. 

While it's possible that he feels ashamed and withdraws, in my reading on this I've noticed that most men who feel this way go out of their way to please their woman orally or manually and do a lot of cuddling because they worry about losing her because of something they can't control. I'm not seeing this in your post, which is worrisome. 

You don't mention if he is able to masturbate to orgasm. This is important to figuring out if the problem could be a physical one. If he has no problem getting to the O with his hands and/or porn, then it's more likely to be an emotional hang-up, a fetish, or possibly hidden homosexuality.


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks for the replies...
I think he is always a little critical, strong opinions. He's right- everyone else is wrong. Usually humorous but... Very competitive with his siblings even though all grown ups I noticed. I would say he suffers from stress and the stress at work has increased probably same time as me tackling things so maybe slight increase in the criticisms.. He was gutted when i said I was concerned about the sex not happening.

Yes I can feel an ultimatum from me brewing regarding seeing a doctor to deal with it, to make love rather than babies initially. 

One thing I forgot to say was that he was quite seriously bullied at school, but he never talks about it and I wonder how it could be linked. He does say that he would never let any child of his go through it.. I wonder about bottled up tensions...
And lastly Im going to use words like compromise when we talk. I know I can and do but it has to be 2 way.
If all things dont come together after what I consider a lot of effort I will walk away. I am scared I'll have a breakdown but I won't give up on my gut instincts. If he really loves me he'll deal with it. He told me that hes never been in such a long and true relationship, he called it new territory. Maybe other exs have become irritated with him and left. Although he never mentions any and has never quizzed me.
We have a LOT of talking to do. Im a natural talker so ill do my best but at end of day im not a psychologist and i will have to think of my mental and physical health. Im hoping he realises what hes like and agrees to change a bit and deal with the impotency.


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

I know what you mean Kathy about the homosexuality but he always pleases me manually and i can do that for him if you know what I mean but it takes a while longer or sometimes doesnt happen. 
I havent had many sexual partners and i get the feeling he hasnt either. Its something that we must discuss i know, i just dont want to sound like an interview or couch session..


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Oh yes and I think work stress is baloney too. Just an excuse...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds more like he needs personal therapy to deal with childhood and FOO issues.


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Whats foo?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

family of origin

Like, if his dad was over critical, he is, too.

Or if his mom didn't give unconditional love, he developed toxic shame and will never be able to be good enough (thus, ED).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

foo = family of origin

So he can reach O manually. I agree that he sounds like he has bottled up some serious issues that probably stem from his family of origin. 

If he was bullied, what prevented his parents from helping him find safety? Were his parents also very critical of him? 

Sexuality does make us very vulnerable, and he may have a fear of being engulfed by your relationship. 

I would encourage you to hold off on the "need to talk" stuff, though. As a natural talker, this won't be easy, but it will probably worsen the situation. He needs to feel safe, not like he's being put under a microscope.


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

I think his dad is quite critical in a very subtle, humourous way. And i think his mum gave a lot of attention to his sister and brother who are younger and perhaps sidelined him the first born... He is very keen to impress them still


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah. He needs therapy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blahblahblah38 said:


> I know what you mean Kathy about the homosexuality but he always pleases me manually and i can do that for him if you know what I mean but it takes a while longer or sometimes doesnt happen.
> I havent had many sexual partners and i get the feeling he hasnt either. Its something that we must discuss i know, i just dont want to sound like an interview or couch session..


So he can orgasm with manual stimulation. Then he's not totally impotent. He just does not want intercourse. At least that's what it sounds like. 

Does he use porn? It's not uncommon for a man who has used porn almost exclusively for years to not be able to perform sexually with a real, live woman.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

38 is young for medical ED unless he's very overweight. If this issue is bothering you now imagine how it would bother you after 10 years. Starting a relationship with no sex seems pretty hopeless . He is either gay or has serious hang ups that require a massive amount of therapy. At this point you want to repair him and that never works out. Ask him to take some Viagra or Cialis and see what happens. His reaction will tell you alot.


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Thanks all. im going to start gentle talking this weekend. Last time i said i was concerned about our no sex life, he told me not to bottle up and let him know whats on my mind. So...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

He is gay. He is repulsed by vaginal sex, but a handjob he can stand, just, probably. Sorry for you...

You have little time left to find a husband you can have children with.


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