# Torn, please help



## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

Will try and make this a brief as possible. Basically just trying to get more advice as to what I should do. I am very torn.

Met husband abroad in a country with a lot of cheating. Married 4 years with a two year old and a newborn. After two year old was born decided together to move to the US together. I moved back when six months pregnant to look for a job and to avoid having the baby abroad (not good health care in the country we lived in). I found out a few days before he was supposed to come to the US (a week before my due date) that he was cheating on me since I had left with a woman he met at work. Decided to have him come to participate in birth and figure things out.

After arriving he continued the relationship with the woman for another month, and then continued to try and be "friends" for an additional month. He, on his own, finally decided it was a bad idea and ended it. I found this out via his phone records shortly after he really ended it - he called her up and let me listen and it was clear that this was the case. He has let me have access to all phone/computer, ect, has agreed to go to marriage counseling and answered all of my questions. However throughout all of this he has repeatedly lied to me and I am having a hard time trusting him. Over the weekend, I agreed to let him go out and hit the town on his own, and found out he went to a strip club. I don't like that he did so, but don't have huge issues with strip clubs, but the fact that he lied about it just makes me feel like having a relationship with him is hopeless. I think in part the lying in a cultural thing - where he is from lying is much more normal, there isn't the concept of an "honest" relationship like in the US. 

If we separate he has to move back abroad as he is not a US citizen. He might see our kids once/year and only if I help pay. I am heartbroken at the thought that they will grow up with a mostly absent father and know that he hates the idea of not being present. He is a great father. Not a great husband. I am so afriad that if I end things now I will feel guilt for the rest of my life for not having tried more but I am really unhappy in our marriage.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Not even a year in the U.S. and visiting strip clubs already? Once he settles in, another mistress perhaps? Can you continue feeling the way you do until your children moves out of the home if ever? 

I'd send him packing to his home country if I were you. Your husband is looking for more trouble as demonstrated in his lying ways and visiting a strip club. Sorry that you are in this predicament. I believe that you already know what kind of a man you have married.


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## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

Thanks for the reply. I agree he isn't a great husband.

Any one have a similar experience? Anyone with difficult custody situations that can tell me they didn't regret their decision to separate... 

I am trying to do not only what is best for me, but also for my kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How is it best for your kids to have a cheater and liar around? How will you feel if they grow up to have the same kind of marriage? 

The idea of not being around them doesn't seem to bother him enough to refrain from cheating and lying. 

If you keep him just accept that he cheats and lies and don't worry about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

He did stop the relationship because he wanted to maintain his relationship with his kids. The conversation I overheard between him and ex-gf revealed that this is what he told her.

Will he do it again? Not sure.

Is he a liar? For sure. 

To the two posters who commented - have either of you dealt with a situation like this? I would really value experiences and opinions of people who have lived similar situations.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I am so afriad that if I end things now I will feel guilt for the rest of my life for not having tried more but I am really unhappy in our marriage


The only person that should be feeling guilty is your Husband.

Deport him and tell him not to come back into your families life until he grows up!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your children are very young so if you D now and found a real H they would only know him as "dad". Your current H will be the guy that visits occasionally, like an uncle from out of town. You mentioned that he is a good father but I must disagree. Anyone who jeopardizes the well being of his family and children is not a good father. He is a philanderer which makes it quite difficult to be a good family man.

I usually strongly recommend staying together as a family and accepting the responsibility for your choices but if he cheated on you as soon as you left his country and then continued on for a month after he arrived here that does not bode well for a long term relationship. His actions are that of a playboy, not a husband and I fear if you try to stay together it will mean a great deal of pain and heartache for you and your children.

May I suggest that if you do decide to D and remarry please be more selective in your choice of men. You are now deciding for three and the younger two very much need stability, security, love and a positive male role model. Good fortune.


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## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

Ok. I see your point.

To give a little more context. 

When I met him I told him I was never moving back to the US. He was a successful business owner, extremely happy with his life abroad. He gave up all of that to come to the US, where he has no friends, no family and may never have a job he loves (and is very aware of this) as he did back home where he could set his own hours. He decided to move to the US, not because he had dreams of living in the US, but because he wanted a better future for our children and because I was very unhappy living abroad. He doesn't speak the language here and can't drive himself anywhere. I know that what he did was wrong and he is VERY slow in doing the right things, but I also think the decision he made to give up a happy life to make his family happy does say something about his character. Those of you that are happily married - would you be willing to give up your job, friends and family to move to another country with no Americans, learn a new language and be satisfied busing tables your whole life? Would you be willing to make that sacrifice for your family?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Russian ? Ukraine ? 

Don't matter.. 

Here is the reality.. 

If you boot him out he will leave.. If he is cheating on you repeatedly and/or has little respect for women.. Why the fvck would he stay here in a place he doesn't know anything about.. 

He will go back home as you said and he MIGHT.. I repeat MIGHT send you money.. 

I'm sorry but this is what I would do.. 

I would not have anymore kids with him.. I would make sure I would not have anymore kids even by accident with him.. 

I would do what is needed with him to springboard my new life while trying to fix my marriage if I could.. 

So I would see how it goes with him and if he fixes himself then great.. But if you see he just can't help himself.. Well then I would use him to watch the kids while you went to school and he worked.. I would get a job as a teacher or special ed teacher or something that makes very good money.. 

Then I would cut him loose.. If he goes back at least you will be able to support yourself.. 

Brooklyn NY seems to have a very large russian community for example and they all seem to know each other.. It seems everyone is a teacher or special ed teacher or speech therapist of some sort and they all seem to always be helping each other out.. Everyone knows someone who knows someone.. 

I'm sorry but the hard reality is you need to be a bit of a cutthroat here.. Don't fvck yourself in the long run because of him.. 

If you can see he is just an utter d!ck then you play the game until you can stand on your own two feet.. Then you tell him why.. 

Why am I leaving ? Oh, because I asked you to stop and you never did.. So fvck you.. 

I've met several women who have similar things in their lives.. Some for valid reasons and some not so valid..


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## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

lol, why are you concluding he is russian? I'll have to be sure to avoid the russians and ukranians if i ever get back into the dating scene.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

asdf123 said:


> lol, why are you concluding he is russian? I'll have to be sure to avoid the russians and ukranians if i ever get back into the dating scene.


I dated one against everyone's warnings.. 

Very attractive women, but they know it and know how to use it.. I sadly was not so experience in such things.. 

I can see a drug addict a mile away and a guy with a gun in his waist, but I couldn't see her coming.. 

Women who use sex as a tool are just way beyond my dating scope.. But I'm learning ( the hard way )


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## asdf123 (Jul 20, 2015)

Ah ok. The woman who seduced my husband (if his accounting of the story was correct) was a married Ukranian woman. So, although generalizations are never good, I have definitely crossed Ukraine off of the list of places to visit before I die. Hope you are finding better women now.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

asdf123 said:


> Ah ok. The woman who seduced my husband (if his accounting of the story was correct) was a married Ukranian woman. So, although generalizations are never good, I have definitely crossed Ukraine off of the list of places to visit before I die. Hope you are finding better women now.


Well look no one seduces you, if you don't want to be seduced.. 

I can tell you I have been far away from home and my Ex wife would have never found out.. But I never, ever accepted anything from any woman.. Trust me you can turn down puzzy or d!ck, even if it's waving in your face.. My simple answer was *" I'm sorry I can't, I just love my wife too much"*. 

This is why I say.. It can be hard I understand.. But do not cut off your nose to spite your face with this one.. Do not make your life harder.. Think ahead.. Try to work it out but at the same time work to make yourself a better person.. At the same time give him enough rope to hang himself.. Its free will.. No one is putting a gun to anyones head.. There is no magic puzzy that controls your mind.. 

If you see he isn't doing his part.. Well one day in the future you will be in a good spot to cut him loose and trust me eventually he will figure it out himself, but it will be too late then.. 

Again I know someone who did something similar with a husband who has a drinking problem.. They went to school and got a teaching degree.. They used to be a bartender prior to this.. Only after she told him to get out did he then realize what her plan was.. But it was too late.. He was pissed because he was still a bartender and she had a masters degree in teaching special education.. 

Again I know I'm going against the grain here with get a divorce and such.. But I also realize that life isn't that simple and sometimes not that black and white.. As much as I hate to say that because I am pretty much black and white when it comes to moral issues..


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