# A bomb just blew up in the middle of my marriage



## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and have a three year old son (almost four). Until about three months ago, I would have described our marriage as peaceful and relatively content. Although we've had the normal issues any marriage has, we've never had any major upheavals. Until now.

Just after the beginning of the year, my wife initiated a discussion in which she told me she wasn't sure she loved me any more, and she wasn't sure about the future of the relationship. This was a completely unexpected punch in the gut, but I told her I was willing to invest the time and energy into fixing our relationship, and she seemed reluctantly willing to do this. Over the 
next few weeks, we made an effort to specifically plan time and activities together, and I thought things were improving. But soon enough, we were repeating similar discussions in which my wife expressed serious doubts about the future of our relationship, and whether she wanted to be with me at all.

A couple of weeks ago, she told me she wanted a trial separation, and she moved out of the house and into an apartment. Nothing legal has happened so far, and we've been sharing time with our son.

But then a few days ago a bombshell dropped into my lap. We had a shared dropbox account for several years, and when we separated we decided to get our own dropbox accounts. Just before changing dropbox to point to my new account, I noticed a file in dropbox that I hadn't seen before, entitled "Reflection.docx". I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to see if it was worth saving, thinking that maybe it was an old journal entry of mine or something.

Instead, the file turned out to be a massive compilation of love emails and texts between my wife and her boss at work. A whopping 135 pages in total. Over the past three days I forced myself to read all of it. It detailed their progression from attraction, to emotional affair, to full blown sexual affair (in
nauseating detail).

I have not confronted her or told anyone about this yet. I'm still trying to figure out how to proceed, which is why I'm asking your advice here. Obviously there is no hope of reconciliation, and divorce is now the only possible outcome. 

I would appreciate any advice you have, emotional, practical, or legal. Some specific questions:

- I really want to keep the house. Do I gain legal leverage by virtue of staying in the house, while she lives in an apartment? I can easily afford the house on my own salary.

- I don't know that she would seek alimony, but if I can prove she was cheating, can I avoid paying alimony? I make a lot more money than my wife does.

- My wife's boss (who she's having the affair with) is married as well. Although I don't know his wife, I could probably get a hold of her via Facebook. It has occurred to me to inform her of the situation. Is that pointlessly vengeful, or is it ethically obligatory?

- I would imagine my wife's workplace has a fraternization policy. He's the manager of the whole place, and she's a subordinate, so I would assume this is a big no-no. It has also occurred to me to possibly report 
them (to the executive director above him), but I feel that this is pointlessly destructive and serves no purpose but to feed my own selfish need for retribution. What do you think?

- If possible, I would really like to have an amicable mediation and separation, rather than an all out legal war. Any advice for this?

- I think that no matter what happens, we will both be willing to share time equitably with our son. Nevertheless, any advice regarding custody?

Thanks in advance for your advice.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. I'd just seek strong legal counsel for now, and protect yourself. Be prepared for her to blame you, beg you, plead with you, and everything in between. I'm not one for ''exposing'' cheaters to anyone and everyone, because it doesn't really bring closure for the person being cheated on, and humiliating someone doesn't really bring about joy, or peace. But, that's up to you. I'm not sure if you should tell his wife, maybe. I think she has a 'right' to know, but the fall out could be quite severe. Maybe he sues you, you know? People do weird things when their backs are against a wall. I will keep you in my prayers. Hopefully, you'll find a good way to peacefully dissolve your marriage. Make sure you take care of yourself, physically...eat right, sleep, exercise. It's easy to let the stress of something like this hurt your health, so be strong for yourself and your son.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do you want? Do you want a divorce or to try to save your marriage? 

Think about that; your answer will determine your course of action.

Sorry you are here, brother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> What do you want? Do you want a divorce or to try to save your marriage?
> 
> Think about that; your answer will determine your course of action.
> 
> ...


You received a lot of good advice in February....
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...if-my-wife-not-sure-she-loves-me-anymore.html


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Check with a lawyer first before you do anything else. Whether cheating will affect alimony depends on the state you live in.

Sorry you are here.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Damn, I feel sorry for you. What a beotch. Definitely go the divorce route, there is no other way. She is a gonner.

Need to be careful here. If your wife gets fired, that's going to make it harder for you starting your life over. She'll be on unemployment if she's lucky and trying to get everything she can out of you. Need to consult with an attorney. If she was fired, need to make sure child support and alimony are based off her previous salary, which it should be. Good thing she was working. My boss got divorced and his wife was a stay at home mom, so he only got to use minimum wage for her.

I'd tell his wife. My as well fck up his life as much as possible.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OnceConvinced said:


> My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and have a three year old son (almost four). Until about three months ago, I would have described our marriage as peaceful and relatively content. Although we've had the normal issues any marriage has, we've never had any major upheavals. Until now.
> 
> Just after the beginning of the year, my wife initiated a discussion in which she told me she wasn't sure she loved me any more, and she wasn't sure about the future of the relationship. This was a completely unexpected punch in the gut, but I told her I was willing to invest the time and energy into fixing our relationship, and she seemed reluctantly willing to do this. Over the
> next few weeks, we made an effort to specifically plan time and activities together, and I thought things were improving. But soon enough, we were repeating similar discussions in which my wife expressed serious doubts about the future of our relationship, and whether she wanted to be with me at all.
> ...


Sorry you're in this mess.

You have to talk to an atty to get the real story. Most will give a free brief consultation where you can get your basic questions answered. They can tell you how things usually go in your area, plus what the law says.

Generally it is to your advantage that she moved out. That looks bad on her part.

Assets will be split according to law. But, her infidelity is good leverage for you to get her to play nice. Don't blackmail her! But you can agree not to bring up the infidelity in court if she will agree to a fair settlement which follows the law and how things typically go where you are. If she gets nasty, you can go scorched earth as part of your argument that you should get more time with the kid, which is a valid argument to make. So, no blackmail, but useful leverage.

Don't blow things up just yet. Lay low. Save multiple copies of that file in secure locations, on and off site. You never know when the contents will be helpful to you. STFU about it to your wife or anybody else. Never reveal your source of information. Talk to your atty and proceed strategically.

Your wife is in love with her boss. Use this to your advantage. Move quickly and give her small victories which enable her to think she is going to get her fantasy life with her boss. Don't expose to work yet, because her being out of work may cost you more alimony, especially if the court thinks you were being vindictive. Wait until the divorce is finalized before blowing things up. Be strategic.

Get the book "Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce" by Margulies. He talks about the mediation process.

THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum is a good resource for ideas on how to document and protect yourself. But your atty trumps anything on the internet!

Get a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it on you whenever you may have contact with your wife. Protect yourself against false charges! It happens all the time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Step #1 - Back up a copy of that document someplace that your wife can't get to it.

Step #2 - Start digging for more.

Step #3 - Start talking w/ an attorney. Find out whether or not what you have w/ respect to evidence of your wife's affair will matter at all in terms of divorce, alimony, etc.

Step #4 - Expose the affair to OM's wife.

Step #5 - Confront your wife.

You'll note that #4 will segue directly into #5.

If your aim is an amicable divorce, transpose #4 and #5; in fact, wait until after your divorce is done for #4.

*But do #4 no matter what.*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it were me I'd do full exposure friends, family, work with no warning. Contact legal to see if you're due damages from the company.

At this time I wouldn't worry to much about her job. He's a superior. The bulk will fall on him. 

This is your life, future, family. Blow them up with no warning and let them deal with it.

Being weak and timid at this time will get you nothing.
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB...sed.html/RK=0/RS=3BrSPb6qviePYCGJzbbpYOf5wRo-

Sorry you're here man.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Time to go nuclear.

Family, parents, workplace, etc.

Their affair won't seem nearly as "fun" or "dangerous" when everyone around them knows what's up.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

If I read someone's comment above correctly, you started a thread here earlier and apparently ignored the advice you got. Doesn't matter now.

As you have been told
(1) see an attorney to find out your rights (Do not tell your wife). My guess is you will be told if you get your wife fired as well as her boss that it will cost you a lot more if she is unemployed. If by some miracle you R with her, at that point the job or boss needs to go.
(2) you got 135 pages of evidence. Why would you need more? You know exactly what is happening
(3) if you send anything to OM wife, I would do it BEFORE or right when you confront your wife , and I would NOT do it on Facebook unless you have to. He has to live in proximity to you. I would send it by courier where she has to sign for it including the evidence. The normal response from his wife may be disbelief and you need to make her fully aware of everything. And stop playing Mr. Nice Guy. His wife deserves to know what her husband is doing.
(4) If you tell his wife, the chances are one of two things is going to happen
(A) either he will throw your wife under the bus, and all of a sudden her decision to leave to get her own love nest will not look so good to her
(B) his wife and him may split and he may want your wife, and she obviously wants him.

At this point I see no reason at all to do any more snooping UNLESS you decide to try to reconcile with her. But remember, it takes TWO to do that and you cannot do that by yourself.

If I were you, I would present her with the divorce papers at work the same day the evidence is delivered to OM wife. 

Unless you enjoy pain, the last thing you should do is sit there and let this go on with what you already know. Putting your head in the sand and hoping it will go away is not a very smart idea. I hope that is not what you did after you posted the last time about this. If it is, learn from the mistake.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry to see you here, friend! But I think it's beyond time that you were in your lawyers office with your compendium of evidence in tow! Contingent upon what state that you reside in will determine if alimony is applicable! But child custody and child support certainly is! More especially since she deserted the homefront to move into an apartment to get her ashes hauled by her boss!

Speaking of her boss, you need to contact HR at her company to report her boss. And frankly your lawyer should serve up a hardball to him that your side intends to call him in as a hostile witness to testify against her in the divorce action. Since he's not married to her, he does not enjoy immunity from testifying against her! A good attorney can simply make both of their lives a living hell!

But first, you need to get yourself to your MD to be checked out for the presence of STD's!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you have come to the best place for advice!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Step #1 - Back up a copy of that document someplace that your wife can't get to it.
> 
> Step #2 - Start digging for more.
> 
> ...


Solid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

No one has ever come here and shown a real life case where a spouse got fired or quit a job and got more alimony. The court only considers what they did make is what they oud make.

You should google your states divorce rules. Most states are cut and dried.

His wife needs to know now.

Go to dadsdivorce .com


I would contact his wife and immediately email wife, boss, and HR excerpts of their emails. Unfortunately, there is usually a sevrere lack of testosterone around here. Coincidence?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Was work email used in any of the exchanges? 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> No one has ever come here and shown a real life case where a spouse got fired or quit a job and got more alimony. The court only considers what they did make is what they oud make.
> 
> You should google your states divorce rules. Most states are cut and dried.
> 
> ...


I agree or the excuse as "keep it for leverage" which alimony and child support are calculated.

Not sure if it's lack of testosterone or fear of making someone mad who is destroying your life, family and future. WTF??????


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry but what is the lockbox you are talking about? I've only heard the term described in refrence to a money drop. 

Second question is why was the file there?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Use this as a framework to act with-in 


A strategy*

Author: @MEM11363
Editor: *@Marduk

If you are reading this it's because the most important person in the world - betrayed you. Sorry you're here. The good news is that you are the product of thousands of generations of clever, resourceful, tough ancestors who navigated flood, famine and ice age and consequently much stronger than you realize. You might love and want your partner, but you don't need them. Accept that and allow it to inform your actions to maximize your outcome. Conversely, choose to believe and act as if you need your spouse, and bring your worst fears to fruition. Love is your friend, need and neediness are your enemy.*

From the point of discovery forward you ought to focus on regaining your emotional equilibrium. It's hard to do because you naturally feel disoriented. Your primary human anchor just pulled up. Pick a trusted friend with a balanced view of your marriage and talk to them. Exercise is critical. Sleep may be tough. Catch up on weekends if possible. Try to prioritize this stuff until you've gotten through the worst of the disorientation. Avoid alcohol, drugs and opposite sex entanglements.

With that as prelude, the guidelines below are intended to help you navigate the Rapids:
- Assess the overall marriage
- Confirm that your spouse feels the same way
- Execute either an ALL IN reconciliation or the cleanest possible extraction from the marriage

I'm going to write this gender neutral - with one exception. Physical intimidation is not only maritally toxic - it may come back to bite you hard in family court. Pretend your spouse is recording, nay videotaping every conversation.*

Assessment: The goal is to search your soul and/or your gut to decide whether you think the marriage worth saving. Might help you to ask yourself some tough questions. Thing is, most folks feel some amount of love when they marry. And love is a beautiful thing. But for the long game, and marriage is the ultimate long game - compatibility rules. Love sans compatibility is the worst pairing of all. Virtually guarantees unhappiness. No oath, no vow will stop an unhappy person from cheating - either via a continuation of the affair or a brand new one. So roll back to just before you 'think' the affair started and answer the following queries.*

1. From that vantage if you could choose all over again, would you marry this person?*
2. How would your partner answer that question had they been asked it pre-affair?
3. Do/did you love each other?
4. Are you compatible?*
5. How much did my spouse accept and/or seek my company?
6. My non sexual touch
7. Sex*
8. Overall did they do a good job of making me feel loved/important?
9. Did I do a good job of making them feel loved/important?
10. Was your partner overall trustworthy, reliable and focused on you? 11. Or did they have a wandering eye, a flirtatious posture towards others.*
12. Did they let you marry them, or want to marry you?*
13. Do they feel sick about betraying you?
14. Or only sick they have been caught?
15. Or only sick at the prospect of being exposed to friends/family?
16. Or only sick at the thought of having to end the affair?*
17. Have they cheated on prior partners?*

After answering those questions you ought to have a good feel about recon or divorce.*

If you want to reconcile, it is time to discover what your partner wants.*
1. Do they want to stay married/try and reconcile?
2. Why did they cheat?*
3. What are they willing to DO to rebuild trust and heal?
4. Write a no contact letter?
5. Make a no contact call in your presence?
6. End the affair without one last get together for closure?
7. Provide transparency via phones and passwords etc?
8. Resume (if the affair interrupted it) a normal sex life with you?
9. Provide you with whatever details you want including a timeline of the affair?
10. Transfer departments or change employers entirely if their AP is from work?*
11. Take a test for STDs
12. Take a pregnancy test

Regarding (2), listen carefully. Might learn stuff ends up improving your marriage. The responses to (2) range from: we had a good marriage and I behaved selfishly and that is entirely on me. To you are the worst spouse since Henry the eighth and that is the ONLY reason I cheated. What they say might however, have real merit. For instance: you stopped sleeping with me years ago, or you consistently rejected my requests to spend time together. If you were the primary cause of a weak marriage, you need to decide if you can fix it. And you should acknowledge that and commit to fixing it.*

Confirmation: This phase is mostly about observable behavior. Words and in this case vows - are cheap. Actions WILL confirm or contradict your assessment. Is their primary emotion remorse or resentment. The stuff they committed to doing up above - are they doing it without pressure. Or is it you dragging them along. Considerate and kind about your heightened anxiety level? Or accusing you of being controlling?*

Execution: If you've both decided to try to recon, it's critical to accept the following:*
1. The more needy you seem, the less lovable you will be. This is every bit as unfair as it is true.*
2. People use the following phrase all the time: I was crying and begging them to stay
3. Crying is ok. It's about the loss of something you prized. It shows love.
4. Begging may be the single most toxic thing a betrayed spouse typically does. Crying means: You love them and are sad at the thought of losing them. Begging means you don't love yourself very much.*
5. If their affair partner is married or living with someone, you ought to contact that person and let them know what's been happening. There are several benefits to that, the best one is this. If your spouse has truly committed to NC, won't be a big deal. If they are still prioritizing their AP, you will get an angry reaction.*
6. If their AP is a coworker they frequently interact with, that's an inherently difficult situation. The focus should be on their prioritizing a transfer/company change.
7. Your perception of time is now different. Before Dday - you likely weren't nearly as impacted if they were running a bit late and didn't call. When it happens after Dday, you feel a lot more anxious. Thing is, if you call or text them every time they are officially one minute late, they will love you less. Doesn't mean you ought to be a doormat. If they are routinely way late without a call - that is a very bad sign. At minimum it means they are comfortable knowingly causing you intense distress.
8. Sex is a great litmus test for whether the recon is genuine. A WS who, upon discovery abandons, or continues to abandon the marital bed, is likely insincere.
9. Some folks advocate a zero tolerance shock and awe approach to demanding they stop the affair. This is a: choose right now one way or the other approach.*
10. Others are willing to compete with the AP over a period of time when faced with a WS who openly refuses to stop the affair. This is more likely a good strategy if you believe your pre-affair conduct was a significant contributor to the affair and want your spouse to see the 'new and improved' you before insisting they choose. And in some cases, this approach results in their choosing to end it of their own free will. Most folks find this competition period intensely stressful. If your partner is either selfish or has weak character, they will string this out as long as you allow. And will constantly move the goal posts for what you must do to win them back. This path MUST have a bright line end date.*
11. There are many paths to successful recon. However, a partner who continues a sexual relationship with their AP, while refusing to sleep with you, rarely reconciles. They tend to totally lose respect for you for tolerating it.*
12. Last but not least. You may be tempted to employ some extreme tactics in an effort to recon. These include your use of third parties either to advise of shame your partner. See examples below.*

Option 1: Attempting to cripple your partner so they CAN'T leave. If you go this route, eventually everyone you know will know that - you've turned into a psychopath - including your children and the family court judge. Good luck with that.*

BS: I just called the last of our friends and family and sent an email out to them as well. I told them what you did to me and the children. And asked them to contact you and tell you how wrong it is to destroy our family for a few cheap fvcks. I also contacted your employer and made a big fuss. I think they're going to fire you. And when I spoke to your AP's spouse, they told me they are going to try and work it out with your AP. And I also called the minister at our church. So go ahead and divorce me. Just know that you have no friends, your family is on my side, you will shortly be unemployed, you are unwelcome at our church and your AP is likely going to dump you. One last thing, I told the kids too. They were spitting mad.

Option 2: AKA - the voice of reason approach
BS: Picks one person who knows and loves their WS. Swears that person to secrecy and asks them to reach out to the WS and try and support them through the fog. The message to the friend is short and practical. I believe we had a good marriage and can recover. WS is lost in the fog. If you believe WS will end up regretting a divorce, maybe you can support me in helping them navigate out of the fog.*

Obviously there are many points on the spectrum between option 1 and option 2. A small modification to option 2 is to disclose to the partner of your spouse's AP. That person is in the same boat you are. That's actually a very effective step.

Here is the link*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/315681-cwi-strategy.html


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You need to expose:

From MB*

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?*

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip*

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here*

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.*

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.*

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.*

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.*

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.


Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!*

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" *

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.*

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.*

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

Here is the link*Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Finally you need to detach from her and avoid lashing out. Use the 180 but remember always be polite, diplomatic and non-committal except for visitation and keeping the home. 


THE 180's:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)*

So here's the list:*
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Here is the link *Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> No one has ever come here and shown a real life case where a spouse got fired or quit a job and got more alimony. The court only considers what they did make is what they oud make.
> .
> .
> .
> I would contact his wife and immediately email wife, boss, and HR excerpts of their emails. Unfortunately, there is usually a sevrere lack of testosterone around here. Coincidence?


My response is based on OP's desire to divorce, not save the marriage. If he wants to save the marriage, exposure becomes paramount. 

If he wants to divorce, whether to expose widely and early depends on how she responds to the divorce process. If she goes easily into the night, OP can get far more out of the divorce than if she fights like a cornered wildcat. If she is in a fog of love with her boss, she may take a minimal settlement. She's already moved out and abandoned the family. I think this says she just wants out. OP can take advantage of this to get better custody and lose less money to the settlement and legal fees.

I've seen this work 100% recently. The father/husband got everything. Full custody, no alimony, she owes him child support, the house, all assets. She just wanted her own life. There was so much dirt to blow up publicly on her but he ended up not using it.

On the other hand, if OP's wife is going to go nuclear on him, he can go nuclear on her.

And I fully endorse telling OM's wife and employer after OP gets the best possible divorce terms. For me, this is all about OP getting the best possible outcome for him and his kids. Then he can rain hellfire down on OP's life.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Thor said:


> On the other hand, if OP's wife is going to go nuclear on him, he can go nuclear on her.
> 
> And I fully endorse telling OM's wife and employer after OP gets the best possible divorce terms. For me, this is all about OP getting the best possible outcome for him and his kids. Then he can rain hellfire down on OP's life.


^^^ Agree. Depends on OP's goals. A quick, amicable divorce would be best achieved by delaying exposure. 

And it keeps M.A.D. as an option should she try to go nuclear.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Talk about a broken record - same boat.

Sorry it is happening. I exposed, after the D. Not sure that it mattered but I would want to know if the roles were reversed. Would you? That's the question only you can answer.

The one thing I will say about your interaction with your cheating wife: Don't discuss or reveal any of your plans with her. Make your own decisions, then act on them. Cheaters live in fear. She will likely do everything possible to trigger you and abuse you into not exposing. Don't engage in that nonsense. Whether you plan to expose to the OM wife or not, your STBX must KNOW BEYOND DOUBT that you are capable of doing it.

Life isn't over. The marriage is. But why would you want to be married to such a lousy person anyways? 

If this is who she really is, be glad you are rid of her. Her boss did you a favor in the end.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hold the presses. 

All this talk of exposure - sans context - is rather frightening. 

Step 1 - Is this a marriage worth saving? 

Reason I ask, is because a lot of marriages aren't. Exposure in that scenario is pure vindictiveness. 

Besides - a smart lawyer - will help you legally apply leverage.

I'm not a lawyer, and ONLY a lawyer can give you advice that applies in your state, BUT I believe the following IS generally legal.

As part of the divorce decree you agree to have the records sealed AND you sign a confidentiality agreement saying you won't discuss the reasons for the divorce. Ever. 

All cheaters want that type protection. All of them. Especially in this case where her AP has real exposure due to his job. 

The reason you NEED a lawyer for this type thing - is - if you aren't careful - you could end up breaking blackmail laws. And that's a bad situation to put yourself in. 





cbnero said:


> Talk about a broken record - same boat.
> 
> Sorry it is happening. I exposed, after the D. Not sure that it mattered but I would want to know if the roles were reversed. Would you? That's the question only you can answer.
> 
> ...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you gonna actually listen to anyone this time?? You no longer need to gather evidence - you have that - so, the question is: do you want to stay married or not?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Hold the presses.
> 
> All this talk of exposure - sans context - is rather frightening.
> 
> ...


I'd disagree.

While exposure certainly _can_ be done vindictively, I wouldn't advise it.

And either way, I see informing a fellow BS that she IS a BS as compassion.

When done compassionately, of course.

Bottom line... she deserves to know, and that's ESPECIALLY if her WH is planning to leave her for OP's WW.

Now... as far as exposing to the WW's/OM's workplace goes?

I'd advise that ONLY if the BS (in this case, OP) were looking to reconcile. Otherwise there's no point beyond pure vindictiveness.

And besides, he wouldn't want his STBXWW to wind up jobless prior to the divorce, as that might bring alimony back into the picture. And Hell... even if she wound up losing her job AFTER the divorce due to a workplace exposure on OP's part, she might be able to force him back to the table for _at least_ temporary support.

Ugh.

That said...I might have OM served as a co-respondent.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd disagree.
> 
> While exposure certainly _can_ be done vindictively, I wouldn't advise it.
> 
> ...


I align with MEM. He can disclose to OP's WW at any time after his leverage isn't valuable to him anymore. I am not saying not to tell her, he just doesn't have to do it right this second.

I think OP needs to take some time and decide if he wants to stay married or not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> I align with MEM. He can disclose to OP's WW at any time after his leverage isn't valuable to him anymore. I am not saying not to tell her, *he just doesn't have to do it right this second*.


I'd agree w/ that.



ButtPunch said:


> I think OP needs to take some time and decide if he wants to stay married or not.


He pretty much covered that in his initial post.

Honestly, I'm of the opinion that his thinking is on track.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

First of all, DO NOT, let her know you know about the affair. The first thing that you need to do is get a lawyer and start divorce procedings without her knowledge immediately. Forget about this being amicable, this will be all out full scale war and your wife is the enemy. Start the 180 immediatly. I would forget about the trail separation to. Start taking all money out of joint accounts and stopping all joint credit cards. In your divorce arguments, demand full custody of your son and that you get to keep the house because she has been cheating. Make sure that you keep a copy of all letters you read and keep it in a safe place. Start working on getting contact information for her boss's wife. 

On the same day that you have your wife served the divorce papers at work, send a copy of all the letters to her boss's wife, to Human Resources at your wife's company and to her parents and members of her family so they all get them the same day you serve her. You want this to be the ****ing worst day of her life. From this time forward, you will be engaged in WAR! This is no time whimpy ****ing games, it's time for WAR!


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

OnceConvinced said:


> I would appreciate any advice you have, emotional, practical, or legal. Some specific questions:
> 
> Just answering your questions and basing off the norm if you live in the us and obviously you can try to battle it all if you want a longer court battle...
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gus,
You raise an excellent point. Not sure what I would do regarding informing the AP's partner. It is true that the AP's partner - has standing. Not legal standing but real - collateral damage standing. 

No question that he's on solid ground exposing to her. 

Truly there are two people with major, unquestionable standing. 
- The AP's partner
and
- The OP's son - who will always wonder why his parents divorced






GusPolinski said:


> I'd disagree.
> 
> While exposure certainly _can_ be done vindictively, I wouldn't advise it.
> 
> ...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

She placed the emails right where you had access to them? All this time? Wow.


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

I agree- I know that if I take an action simply motivated by the desire to hurt or humiliate, that this won't make me feel better (the exact opposite, in fact). But I do wonder if I am ethically obligated to inform his wife. She does have a right to know.


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> Check with a lawyer first before you do anything else. Whether cheating will affect alimony depends on the state you live in.
> 
> Sorry you are here.


I live in Colorado, if that helps.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OnceConvinced said:


> I agree- I know that if I take an action simply motivated by the desire to hurt or humiliate, that this won't make me feel better (the exact opposite, in fact). But I do wonder if I am ethically obligated to inform his wife. She does have a right to know.


Correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Was work email used in any of the exchanges?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Yes, I strongly suspect so. Many of the notes in the document talk about how one or the other is at work while they're sending these. A lot of those had to be from work email, though I don't know for sure.


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Sorry but what is the lockbox you are talking about? I've only heard the term described in refrence to a money drop.
> 
> Second question is why was the file there?


Dropbox, not lockbox. It's an online file share service- google it. We had a shared account for years, so we could have common kids pictures and such. I still can't believe she was foolish enough to put this document on our shared account.


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

Thor said:


> My response is based on OP's desire to divorce, not save the marriage. If he wants to save the marriage, exposure becomes paramount.
> 
> If he wants to divorce, whether to expose widely and early depends on how she responds to the divorce process. If she goes easily into the night, OP can get far more out of the divorce than if she fights like a cornered wildcat. If she is in a fog of love with her boss, she may take a minimal settlement. She's already moved out and abandoned the family. I think this says she just wants out. OP can take advantage of this to get better custody and lose less money to the settlement and legal fees.
> 
> ...


At this point there is no possibility of reconciliation. Divorce is the only option. But I am far more interested in getting favorable terms in the divorce than I am in getting revenge.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

OnceConvinced said:


> At this point there is no possibility of reconciliation. Divorce is the only option. But I am far more interested in getting favorable terms in the divorce than I am in getting revenge.


That is a good outlook. But you really need to see a lawyer to find out where you stand. In the meantime, read Real World Divorce: Custody, Child Support, and Alimony in the 50 States, especially the chapter on Colorado.


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## OnceConvinced (Feb 9, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> She placed the emails right where you had access to them? All this time? Wow.


Yes, it still blows me away. She never has been good about little details like that, especially with computer stuff.

Hilariously, at one point in the messages she tells her lover that she's compiling all their love notes in a document and does he think it's safe? His reply: "Well it's digital so it's locked." That was the only time I smiled through the whole thing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just wanted to reiterate that we all feel for you, man. I know that was a hard read. Had my own cross like that to bear. It's a heavy one. 

I hope you keep this to yourself until you have a plan in place. A cunning plan. More cunning than the "locked digitally love not file".
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What is your lawyer recommending? 





OnceConvinced said:


> At this point there is no possibility of reconciliation. Divorce is the only option. But I am far more interested in getting favorable terms in the divorce than I am in getting revenge.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Her boss? He is DOA if you expose in the work place if the company is not his or owned by his family. Read Odatt thread. He dd expose on Monday night on memorial week-end via email to the HR dept. OM was fired by two in the afternoon on tuesday and his wife transferred to another dept. 

Hard to do put keep you powder dry and get your plans in place.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

So sorry you're here. So she wanted a "trial separation" to keep fvckin around with POS. What exactly was her reasoning for a trial separation? Have you two been in contact since Dday? I think you should let OMW know. She deserves to know. Also you should go see your MD for an STD test.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

I think exposure depends if you want to stay married or not. 

And you don't need to decide right now. I would recommend pushing the D through first while her head is in the clouds of fantasy land.

With kids it will take a while. Plenty of time for emotions to cool off and you to observe her behavior. But, right now she just wants out - great! Now is the time to strike a great deal for you! If her life turns sour in 6 months it will be much tougher, she may not be as amicable. She may decide it's all your fault! Very likely...

You can always pull the D filling or get remarried to her. Right now this is a financial negotiation and you should take advantage of it. Get the D done, then expose to OM wife, IMO.

If she is afraid of her lies being exposed she may agree to quite a bit in your favor. You don't need to threaten anything. Guaranteed she is living in fear of being caught already. You don't need to do anything more than stay calm and firm. 

Protect yourself!!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

cbnero said:


> I think exposure depends if you want to stay married or not.
> 
> And you don't need to decide right now. I would recommend pushing the D through first while her head is in the clouds of fantasy land.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice! I concur!

Can't stress enough how important it is to get this done while she is likely to be agreeable. I assure you, she will change and go south in a hurry when reality sets in.
This should be done today. Very serious. Get it done NOW. You don't want to drag your feet on this in any way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> No one has ever come here and shown a real life case where a spouse got fired or quit a job and got more alimony. *The court only considers what they did make is what they oud make.*
> 
> You should google your states divorce rules. Most states are cut and dried.
> 
> ...


this is true.
My father-in-law got fired on purpose thinking he would not have to pay as much alimony.
did not matter with the judge.

that being said since the OP wants a *favorable divorce* any exposure should hold off until divorce is done, although it may not matter if she thinks he doesn't know about the affair and still wants more in the divorce.
So he may have to confront her and tell her he has solid evidence (hopefully saved in several places by now).
If you use this evidence as leverage (it has to be done without coming off as blackmail).


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Sorry you hear brother but it sounds like you have a good mindset about you which is excellent!

Let that fuel you through this, protect yourself and your future. Alot of great advice so far, these guys know whats up!

Stick to 180, it protects YOU

Wait on the exposure IMO, it doesn't get you anywhere YOU want to be.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry this has happened. Its soul crushing to discover and read it in detail.

I understand not wanting the vindictiveness but wanting to protect yourself.

As they others have replied, get yourself a good lawyer. He will tell you the in/outs of whether adultery matters in your state. In my state, it can matter with the division of assets.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please review my post on strategy and exposure, how does you actions fit within this framework?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OnceConvinced said:


> I noticed a file in dropbox that I hadn't seen before, entitled "Reflection.docx". I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to see if it was worth saving, thinking that maybe it was an old journal entry of mine or something.
> 
> Instead, the file turned out to be a massive compilation of love emails and texts between my wife and her boss at work. A whopping 135 pages in total. Over the past three days I forced myself to read all of it. It detailed their progression from attraction, to emotional affair, to full blown sexual affair (in
> nauseating detail).


Read my whole thread OP it's a very similar story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/107090-best-way-divorce-my-wife.html

My exwife also cheated on me with her boss complete with love letters as well (though hers were hardcopy haha). I divorced the sh!t out of her and scored a dream settlement so it might help you come out on top too.

Good Luck.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

OnceConvinced said:


> I live in Colorado, if that helps.


Here's an article about alimony in Colorado. 

Apparently CO requires alimony if combined marital income is over $75,000. It appears that infidelity is not supposed to be considered by CO courts for purposes of alimony determination.

There was an article that stated it may affect child custody though.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

There are several posters that either knowing or unknowingly followed these suggestions. Read @NoMoreTears4me


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

For reference to OP, my wife did same with OM who was a married coworker. The OM wife is a close relative of the owner of their company.

My ex did not even hire an attorney. I got everything I wanted in the D. No alimony to her. No child support. Kept the house, probably 90% of the contents. Kept the boat and my truck. Kept 100% of my business which would have been a multiple hundreds of thousands to buy her out, since she was legally entitled to half the value. My total divorce cost was under $5000.

Point being, get the divorce done. And right now. 

My ex has been flipping out for the past 2 years since she realized she lost it all. 

Hire a good, efficient lawyer. Let your lawyer handle it all. And I mean everything. She wants to talk - call my lawyer. 

Make it happen!


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

To add to this, if it were me I would let her know you received an email re: her affair. Don't elaborate.

That warning shot across the bow should be all you need to get things moving.

Never discuss it with her in more detail. They will be so freaked out they will spend their time worrying about who else knows and what you will do, she will likely agree to everything.

Just food for thought. Little "Art of the Deal" might go a long way here.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Sorry OC that it came to this,
You are getting good advice from some of the most helpful people on the net, lots of experience to offer. 

You have a more grounded attitude than many betrayed spouses we see here. You will get through this. I really wish you well!

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

cbnero said:


> For reference to OP, my wife did same with OM who was a married coworker. The OM wife is a close relative of the owner of their company.
> 
> My ex did not even hire an attorney. I got everything I wanted in the D. No alimony to her. No child support. Kept the house, probably 90% of the contents. Kept the boat and my truck. Kept 100% of my business which would have been a multiple hundreds of thousands to buy her out, since she was legally entitled to half the value. My total divorce cost was under $5000.
> 
> ...


You means things didn't quite work out with posOM?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have gotten good advice here. I have nothing to add. 

Do what they tell ya!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

From what I understand, the duration and amount of spousal maintenance in Colorado is under the discretion of the judge. Usually the duration is determined by the amount of time the couple were married.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its not leverage if they don't know you know. Tell the other mans wife. My feeling and recollection is when the other man throws your wife under the bus to save his family, your wife will be a lot easier to deal with. Generally, after getting thrown under the bus she will want to come back to the marriage.

In wither case you have their jobs and reputations to hang over their heads. I would notify his wife and then send him a message asking him if is planning on keeping his job.

Since when is it vindictive to seek justice against someone that has a hand in destroying your kids family. I am totally disappointed in modern, progressive "men". I suppose this is where the term metro sexual applies? Respect is earned. As BryanP says "if you don't respect yourself, who will?'


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Its not leverage if they don't know you know. Tell the other mans wife. My feeling and recollection is when the other man throws your wife under the bus to save his family, your wife will be a lot easier to deal with. Generally, after getting thrown under the bus she will want to come back to the marriage.
> 
> In wither case you have their jobs and reputations to hang over their heads. I would notify his wife and then send him a message asking him if is planning on keeping his job.
> 
> Since when is it vindictive to seek justice against someone that has a hand in destroying your kids family. I am totally disappointed in modern, progressive "men". I suppose this is where the term metro sexual applies? Respect is earned. As BryanP says "if you don't respect yourself, who will?'


OP, this only applies if you WANT to save the marriage IMO.

To me it doesn't sound like you do, nor do I think you should want to. 

Id be looking for the quickest, easiest and most cost efficient path to the door. IMO, that means keeping quite and just pushing through.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> You means things didn't quite work out with posOM?


I guess not! I think once I called his wife it seemed to be less fun for them. I feel really bad about that.... not! Haha

No clue if ex is dating anyone, and I couldn't care less. Just waiting for 2nd mediation to ask for majority custody, to which she will never agree, then filing the request in court for guardian ad litem. Which I should have done 6 months ago, if not earlier. I don't expect to win but if it scares my ex into being a better parent it's still a win for the kids.

I was so scared about the future and what might happen it really crippled me from doing most things the right way before/during/even after the divorce. Still does a little bit sometimes but I'll say this - everything I was so nerve wracked about was wasted energy. 

OP should take my advice closely here. Make a decision and ACT on it. Don't second guess yourself. Once I embraced the fear and started trusting myself life became a whole lot less scary and absolutely more peaceful. Yeah I got issues still going with the ex but so what? Life is so much better when I take control of what I can control and stop worrying about the things I cant. It always works out in the end.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I went thru a very similar situation many years back. My first husband was having an affair with an older lady. I found all the love letters she had written to him and like you said it is a real punch in the gut. I confronted her, she exploded. That then made my husband mad and he blew up at me. She too was married so I contacted her husband would also knew nothing about this but was very grateful I had told him, he left her. If you can settle as much of the legal stuff between the two of you without coming to blows the better off you will be. Alimony can be short term. I am assuming your wife is still young? Long term alimony is normally only given to older women who have no degree and have not worked out of the home and have been married 20 years or more. If your wife makes substantially less than you do you can agree to a certain amount spouse support for like 2 years to help her get herself out and into the world on her own. I feel this is fair too. I know in your situation you may not but most women are not the career holders in the marriage. The are the primary care givers that work around the schedule of the children and husbands so they take part time jobs and many times don't pursue a degree because of their desire to care for their family. I hope you can be understanding of this regardless of what you have discovered.

Another bit of advise from someone who has been there before. When I found out that my husband was having an affair, and once out he no longer hid it which made me even more sick, it seriously did a number on me emotionally. I could not sleep and I could not eat, I was crying all of the time and still trying to work and care for two small children. I highly suggest finding a good counselor and surrounding yourself with supportive friends and family. Here though is something to work on in this process, you want to make this the best you can for your son. The relationship that you and your wife once had is over, you have the grieve that but your son does not need to be in the middle of this. Your wife made her decision, she has to now live with her decision. With this being her boss and him being married too this could easily become very bad for her. He may have thought she was safe to have an affair with because she is married, he may not have any thoughts of leaving his wife.

I had to tell myself over and over again that I loved my husband enough to let him go. I knew that I could never trust him again. He was my high school sweetheart so this was very hard but I managed. I was equally mad at her which I imagine you might be going thru as well. I was lucky, they loved to another state as soon as the divorce became final and I didn't have to watch their love affair carry out and he made no contact for two years until they broke up. Not good for the children as they were abandoned by their father. Stay in your son's life, be as much of an equal parent as possible and do not say anything negative to your son about his mom or her boyfriend. As much as you do not like this man for what he did your son does not need to build hard feelings against him.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You seem to have your head in the right place! I'm going to tell you what I did with my XWW and hopefully it can benefit you. I confronted her privately and shortly after filed for D. Remember that a very good negotiating technique is always ask your STBXW what she wants and have her throw out the first number. If it is in your favor then you agree and move forward amicably, and just hire one attorney to write up the paperwork for you. If it isn't agreeable to you then you can negotiate. My XWW threw out a settlement number that was in my favor so I agreed to everything she wanted. I then added into the paperwork that we each kept our own bank/retirement accounts and student loan debt, under the pretense that it was the easy and logical way to split things. Since we both "agreed" that what she wanted was fair I hired the lawyer to write up the paperwork that we both agree on (I hired the lawyer so she'd represent my interests and not my XWW's). My XWW saw no point in her also hiring a lawyer since she was getting 100% of what she asked for and I wasn't going to argue with that. I didn't do a huge exposure (just close family and friends) because I wanted to keep things amicable until the D was finalized and we needed to be civil since we have kids together. We were both happy with the deal and I'm glad I didn't take an aggressive stance with her because it would have cost me a lot of money. In the end I kept greater than 80% of our combined assets. My attorney bill was less than $2500 and I'm financially better off now than I was married, even after paying higher taxes and child support. 

Use her guilt, shame, and emotions from getting caught in your favor and move fast. You'll get the best possible deal if she is unable to emotionally handle your divorce while dealing with the changes to her relationship with her boyfriend. The thing that got to my XWW the most was the exposure to the OM's wife because the OM chose his family and my XWW wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with it. 

I wish you well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

While she thinks he's going to leave his wife for her, she's more amenable to throwing away the farm just so she can rush into his arms. ***gag me***

But use that to your advantage. Offer the quickest possible divorce, as long as she gives you 50% custodial rights and 50/50 time.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Also read: "The 10 Stupidest Mistakes Men Make When Facing Divorce: And How to Avoid Them" - Joseph Cordell.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

Don't know if this has been mentioned, but if your STBXWW was still having sex with you after she became sexually active with POSOM, then you need to get yourself tested for STD's.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Not sure if it applies in your state but if he's her boss and it's a major company. You may be able to get a good settlement. It's with exploring.

Financially a divorce is pretty devastating and all things come down to finance. Your standard of living will probably decrease plus they screwed with your family, life, future. I'd get the best firm and find out my rights. 

Don't be vindictive is BS!!!! This is a consequence of actions taken against you. Affairs like this have consequences. 

Try and use it yo your advantage. You won't get a second chance at this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope you made a copy of the file...it could be the difference of keeping the house or spliting the sale.

That file could help with the alimony issue if you know what I mean.

Then hire the OMs pool guy/ gardener and tell them the monthly bill will be payed by the OM.

Years from now while the OM is busting his @ss at work to support a wife and mistress you can go bang his wife in your back yard with a well kept pool with nice landscape.

Seriously my point here is now is not the time to expose....that will come in due time.

So make a plan and work the plan.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Use the fog that she is in against her.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Sorry to hear it brother. Yeah, as soon as she said "I don't think I love you anymore" she'd already cut another pony from the herd. I am going through something remarkably similar, in the stages of grief thing I am bouncing between "acceptance" and "bang my head on the oak table." Get a good lawyer, your love for her is making you think"amicable mediation." At this point there is not really any such thing.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I spent $450 on a two-hour consult with a divorce attorney, and that's it. My ex-wife hired an an attorney, both she and her lawyer tried to tell me that she was "our" mediator, not just "her lawyer. I stifled a laugh and I signed nothing.

I had filed for divorce in northern California, she relocated to southern California.

The two biggest things i took away from my consult was that I had to convince her that I cared what happened to my long-term cheating wh0re of a wife after the divorce. Get her to agree to a settlement, even if it hurts to have the bite taken out of my paycheck--it will be less than the courts think she "deserves" by many thousands of dollars a year. That that would not be possible to accomplish if I spent any time verbally b*tch slapping her about how awful she was and is.

So, when the air cleared and we had a signed agreement finalized by the courts. She presented me with a bill for "my half" of her legal fees. I sent it back to her stating that I never agreed to using her lawyer for anything, that's her cost, not mine. She was furious, insisting that I give her $10k! Tried to say i agreed and she needs the money.

My only response was that I am abiding by the terms validated by the court. And said to get a job for more money, like most folks do.


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