# Reversed Sex-Problem Roles!!! Ugh!



## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

Hokay...so. You know how the man is (stereotypically) the one to fret about his wife's lack of sex drive? Well, in this case, it's the wife who's fretting...

Some history...
I'm 21 years old, my husband is 28. We've been together for four years, married for two. Over the past year, we've probably had sex on an average of once every few weeks (I know...for some, this may seem plenty, but wouldn't that depend on the individual's sexual needs?).

We both praise each other's sexual performances (when they occur), and I've always had a higher sex drive than my H, but it's gotten to the point that feelings are, unintentionally, getting hurt. He tells me he has a headache, he doesn't "feel up to it", he's tired, yada-yada, and I go to bed frustrated. And I'm frustrated even further by the idea that anytime _he_ wants sex, I'm game (I don't believe in turning down your H, just because you aren't "in the mood"), but whenever _I_ want sex, he's got an excuse. To top things off, he'll wake up the next morning (or, hell, I've even caught him the very same night) and masturbate. There are also many times that he is unable to ejaculate during sex, but he's able to "fix it" with a little help from his laptop the next morning. It makes me feel worthless. I don't feel sexy or desired, anymore. And I don't think it's because I'm lacking sexy in the physical dept, either. 

I've tried being more feminine, but that doesn't seem to be getting me anything more than compliments. I tried joking sarcastically about not having had sex in a while, to which he replied angrilly, stating that he felt "less like a man" because I brought up how much I would like to have sex more often. I've tried (unsuccessfully) to empathize with his point of view, but I just don't see justification. He doesn't take any drugs (that I know of), his job just isn't that physically draining, and I don't endlessly nag him. Taking matters "into my own hand" doesn't seem to satisfy the way actual intercourse does, although he seems to like the idea that I do it.

*What do I do????*


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

the sad thing here is, you sounding quite the opposite here when it comes to sex.
ive had a couple of issues, but i do have higher sex drive and i know exactly where your coming from on that. sex is what you enjoy. i enjoy it to, gets rid of most of my stresses.
when i was 21, i admit, at it like a rabbit, stil like that now. 
no, i dont think your getin plenty.
when my h has moments and i want it, im afraid i take it n e way.
but its my need and usually H is ok about it. 
obviously dont give up on this issue yet.
just try taking it abit more. 
but the prob here is your only 21 and with your drive, you wil get frustrated more in the future, if he doesnt acknowledge your needs.


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## LukaB (Feb 25, 2009)

I think you are too young.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

All I can say is I wish I had the problem your husband is having... 

My wife and I are the opposite, I want is all the time and she constantly rejects me, I know exactly how you feel, undesired, etc. It sucks... I'm 26 yrs old and she's 24, been together for six years married. All I can suggest is talk to him openly, hopefully he will be more in-tune to YOUR needs.

I think an issue that needs to be brought up here is the fact that you mentioned masturbation and his "laptop," he could be addicted to porn and overdoing it. IMO he needs to cut that off and give his full attention to his wife who so much desires it...

Best of luck!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

The porn substitution he's using istead of sex is the problem, bar none.

He can't "get off" with you but he can to porn? Bad..very bad.

Plus even after rejecting you he'll go masturbate to porn? VERY VERY VERY bad.

That behavior needs to stop, I'm not here as the moral police and going to say that porn is bad all the time (for me and my beliefs it is, but not for everyone), however, when porn/masturbation is used INSTEAD of sex with your spouse, thats bad irregardless of the situation.

That needs to stop, somehow, I'm not one who knows how to give great advice on how to stop that but I can see that this is the major problem.


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## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

LukaB said:


> I think you are too young.


Thanks? Really, though. That comment was not constructive in the least. Please, be more thoughtful about your answers. Give me something that I can work with, here. I can promise you that, aside from having the regular hormone levels of a 21-year-old, my age does not cause problems in our relationship. Please be more constructive in your answers. You almost insulted me, there.


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## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

justean said:


> just try taking it abit more.
> but the prob here is your only 21 and with your drive, you wil get frustrated more in the future, if he doesnt acknowledge your needs.


I definitely realize this probability. Any ideas to help him acknowlegde them?


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## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> That behavior needs to stop, I'm not here as the moral police and going to say that porn is bad all the time (for me and my beliefs it is, but not for everyone), however, when porn/masturbation is used INSTEAD of sex with your spouse, thats bad irregardless of the situation.


:iagree:
I can definitely see how this is a problem. I've always told him that it wasn't *as long as* it didn't affect our sex life. But it has, so it seems I need to change my verbal stance.


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## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

USAF1982 said:


> All I can say is I wish I had the problem your husband is having...
> 
> My wife and I are the opposite, I want is all the time and she constantly rejects me, I know exactly how you feel, undesired, etc. It sucks... I'm 26 yrs old and she's 24, been together for six years married. All I can suggest is talk to him openly, hopefully he will be more in-tune to YOUR needs.
> 
> ...


Thank you.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Aiko said:


> I definitely realize this probability. Any ideas to help him acknowlegde them?


like i said, if im horny, i just take initiative. dont particulary mind if i initiated more, if it gets me what i want.
as long as hubby is enjoying you when you are having sex. then its a start.
im 36, not 21 n e more. so alot of the venturing in my life came as i got older. ive been with my H 14 yrs this yr. 
you stil have so much more to learn when it comes to sex. 
so try things that you havent. 
try and think of the things your H has asked you for , but your not fussed and give it a try.
whatever turns your H on , try those moves a bit more often , that might stimulate his appetite.
what about sexy items and wearing boots. 
what about toys.
there really is so much.
give him a blowjob when your driving. outdoor sex.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Porn is definitely the problem. He is living in fantasy world. There are probably reasons he has retreated into this total lack of intimacy. It could be that porn has twisted his sexual predilections into something so deviant and vile that normal sex just won't do it for him. 

Or it could be that he is harboring some real or perceived hurt or slight that makes him feel disconnected from you, and therefore unable to enjoy the physical intimacy.

Start by assuming its the later problem. Be fun and flirty. Make him feel like a man (maybe he'll start to act like one). Read some books on how to get men to feel and act like men. 

If he doesn't come around after a few months, ask him if he'd rather marry the laptop since that who he's been f-ing for the past few years. Tell him unless he figures out how to grow up and give up his fetish for watching school children and nasty grannies get raped by farm animals in leather harnesses that you will not remain his wife. You're young, and there's plenty of decent men out there that would murder to have a hot willing wife with a revved up sex drive.

Be aware that porn is something some men can't or won't give up.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Marry the laptop........too damn funny!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Aiko... I am confused, your posts here say you're married and it's a sex problem, but I read another of your posts, where you said you were brand new here, and it had to do with your boyfriend, whom you are not married to, but considering marrying, and drugs... you say in your other post that you want to marry him, but are afraid to because of his drug use, and on this one, you say you've been married for 2 years, but make no mention of drugs at all.

Your other post deals with drugs, and his current and your past drug use. and this one, with the lack of sex between you. Am I missing something here? I am just confused as to what you are asking for help with. Is there another Aiko that is not you? It's the same picture. Well anyway, I just wondered, if anyone can be of help, they'll have to know the full, and honest story.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I read some of your other posts and it sounds like you have a guy with quite a lot of problems- drug abuse, liar, possible porn addiction, and money problems. 

I think you should think about moving on.


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## Aiko (Feb 25, 2009)

marina72 said:


> Aiko... I am confused, your posts here say you're married and it's a sex problem, but I read another of your posts, where you said you were brand new here, and it had to do with your boyfriend, whom you are not married to, but considering marrying, and drugs... you say in your other post that you want to marry him, but are afraid to because of his drug use, and on this one, you say you've been married for 2 years, but make no mention of drugs at all.
> 
> Your other post deals with drugs, and his current and your past drug use. and this one, with the lack of sex between you. Am I missing something here? I am just confused as to what you are asking for help with. Is there another Aiko that is not you? It's the same picture. Well anyway, I just wondered, if anyone can be of help, they'll have to know the full, and honest story.


Erm...That _is_ my post...you may have to read it again...I haven't been dishonest in either of the posts. I've been married for almost two years, have been together with my (now) husband for four years. I don't want to _have children_ because I'm afraid of the drug thing. And I am new here...this was my second post. I'm asking for advice on both subjects. Please re-read the other post, if you must.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I just thought I remembered reading that you were considering marrying him, only didn't know what to do since you had suspicions he's doing drugs again. I really was only trying to clarify, and thought perhaps there were two different people.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Since you don't have kids, I would high tail it out of there. He is old enough to have grown out of his adolescence into manhood. You don't realize it because of your youth, but he is devastatingly immature, and it is very unlikely that it is not going to get a lot worse.
He is unfaithful with you on a daily basis with his laptop. You will never be able to work on any problems because he's on drugs, which makes you unable to seriously care about anyone, and at leasty partially non-rational. 
This man is completely broken. Being married to someone you're afraid to have children with is not really a marriage.
If you love him so much that you're willing to give him a second chance, leave first and don't take him back until he fixes his sh*t.

Make him agree to webnanny on his computers and regular drug testing before you take him back (even if you decide not to excercise the right later).


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