# W started a new job



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships. 

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did not end up well. We shall see.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your problems will never go away until:

You die.
She dies.

She is 90 years old and in a wheelchair......and she has lost her mind, she no longer knows what a man is, a women is. And she "must" wear "Depends", 24/7. And, only "if" her caregivers are all female. No!.....you would still worry.

You would worry even if she died and is in the ground......you would worry if the dirty worms were nibbling on her. 

Enjoy her while both of you are alive. She IS a hottie.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I do regret that suspicion goes with the territory. Once a spouse has shown that they are capable, then there is forever doubt. Only a very lengthy period with no indiscretions can ease those doubts and even then they remain to some degree. This is a reality that all BSs must live with. I live with it but I can say that it has eased over time and I am beginning to believe that my W is much less capable of betrayal than I believed her to be even a year ago. Still, I have my moments where thoughts occupy my mind but I try to dismiss them as best I can.

The sad truth is that if they are going to betray they are going to and no amount of worry can change that fact so it is truly counterproductive to occupy your mind with those thoughts. Recently I have begun to redirect my mind to another process. Whenever I think of her betraying me I no longer focus on the betrayal but rather on my game plan as to D and moving on. I find the thoughts burn out much faster when I stop thinking of "what she may be doing to me" and focus instead on how I will move on if that does indeed occur. In that way I am not focused on the betrayal and I am aligning my waterfowl for that possibility. I wish you good fortune.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.
> 
> Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.


I understand 100% what you're talking about. My wife is a lawyer and her area of law is a very male dominated field. She to got a little too close to another attorney, nothing physical but still. I have seen texts and emails on her phone, seen the interactions in person and she's told me stories, male attorneys and men in general can be very inappropriate when they're even just a little bit comfortable with who they're around. It is an uneasy situation for me at times since we do have problems with our marriage and I am unsure of how things will ultimately end up. But things I've seen and investigated have turned up to be nothing more than just inappropriate behavior.

Keep your guard up and your radar scanning, but don't jump to conclusions unless you have some real proof of something. I made the mistake of jumping to conclusions and confronting her on something that turned out to be nothing, all it did was set back the progress we had made.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> male attorneys and men in general can be very inappropriate


This ^^ x 100.

MJ, you have the double problem with 1) wife having loose boundaries and 2) her being surrounded by confident, arrogant SOBs who think nothing about banging one or more of the legal staff. 

I really don't have any advice. It probably is one of the worse types of environments she can work in.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Keep your guard up and your radar scanning, but don't jump to conclusions unless you have some real proof of something.


His wife has cheated on him multiple times. She will continue to do so. He always takes her back.

Rinse, lather, repeat.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'd be worried too if I were you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

If most lawyers are dishonest when under oath and in a court house, how much more amoral will they be in real life. They profit from other peoples conflict and suffering and will not think twice about poaching on you.

Better make all the lawyers believe you are a psycho who practices a scorched earth policy.

On the other hand just monitor what your WW is doing and come down like a ton of bricks sudden on both of them when the inevitable happens.

Tamat


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Just remember, whatever evidence you find no matter how small, make sure it solidly proves something and don't confront until you have enough to tell the entire story. No matter how hard it may be, you cannot let on that you know or suspect anything until you have that ton of bricks to drop on them.

And while doing your snooping or whatever else, do a little searching and researching on the OM's wife, specifically email or Facebook information. That way when things really hit the fan and you're getting the run around on everything. When you know what you know and you know you're being lied to, you take everything you have and send it to the OM's wife. Don't threaten it, don't tell her you're doing it....just do it.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

:wtf:

The last time I checked on your issues. There was OM in the picture and she was doing foot things among other things with her. You were set on divorcing and now she is back?

Please forgive me, but you like being cheated on don't you? Why else stay with this type of woman. She may be a hottie, but can't you get a hottie that is not hot to trot with others?

I don't get this and probably never will.

So is there a web page to play innie, minnie, minney moe, who is the next one my WS will make me a cuckold for?

I may get banned for this one, but it just hurts to see you floundering like this. You most certainly can get better than her regardless of how hot you think she is.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.
> 
> She has a history of poor boundaries around men. What has she done to show you she will implement good boundaries around men?
> 
> ...


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I know you will never leave your cheating wife, and that is painful. 

If only you realized that you deserve someone better in your life, not someone you have to worry if they are going to sleep with someone every time they walk out the door. I would be so tired of all the worrying and snooping, keeping tabs it is just not worth it, but some people are just not able to get out or realize they deserve better.

There is a better life with a better person out there, you just have to want it more than you want to stay with an unremorseful cheater.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I always say country music composers write our lives. Here's one dedicated to MAJDEATH written and performed by my close relative.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.
> 
> Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.


How about the 2 of you discuss appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex? Being that she has cheated in the past I would have thought this was vital. It seems she had no boundaries. Does she give you full access to her phone and computer? How many times has she cheated? What conditions did you put on the marriage continuing? Have you told her that one more affair and the marriage is over?

You must have very low self esteem to let her treat you so terribly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lostme said:


> I know you will never leave your cheating wife, and that is painful.
> 
> If only you realized that you deserve someone better in your life, not someone you have to worry if they are going to sleep with someone every time they walk out the door. I would be so tired of all the worrying and snooping, keeping tabs it is just not worth it, but some people are just not able to get out or realize they deserve better.
> 
> There is a better life with a better person out there, you just have to want it more than you want to stay with an unremorseful cheater.


It seems she has her cake and eats it too. How sad. :frown2:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She's cheated enough times the number is no longer important.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. This is a known truth and why police round up all the burglars when investigating a robbery. Most of my outside non monogamous marriage sex, was with women who worked in my office. One thing I learned is that women are attracted to power and money. One even yelled out "Now I know why they call you the boss." during her orgasm. Some women are attracted to their bosses. It seems to be a thing. My best friend's wife left him for her boss. Every boss I worked for cheated with one of their employees, both male and female bosses. 

I did not worry. My wife was married to her boss, me.  Then she became a real estate agent working from home. I also provided her with a lifestyle few men could plus she preferred to play with girls outside of our marriage, not men. The rate of cheating has dramatically increased due to more women in the workplace. Some spend more time talking to workmates than their husbands. Their "work husband" listens to their problems, sides with them and provides emotional support. They are treated as hot desirable women which makes them happy. Woman have been catching up with men in the numbers who cheat, every year. I do not want to get into lecture mode again but monogamy is unnatural and does not work for many. We have a divorce rate of 50% because monogamy breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This means unhappiness and resentment of each other.

Putting a woman in a situation where there are alpha males with all the trappings of success, ups the odds that they will cheat. Re-read my first sentance. That is a basic psychological truth. Women are genetically attracted to males that have the best genes and since hunting and fighting are no longer needed, they are attracted to men with power, money, good looks and a sense of humor that makes them laugh; the modern equivalent. Most women put sense of humor on the top of their list. Who doesn't want to laugh most days of their life. Your wife needs to work in a place where she is not surrounded by alpha males who have the qualities women are attracted to. Either that or just look the other way on her cheating. Sounds funny? I dated three married women at work who had been cheating for as long as 10 years with multiple guys, who got caught and forgiven a few times. Their husbands decided to look the other way rather than accept the alternative. I often socialized with one of those husbands and he knew his wife was my girlfriend. It takes all kinds.

I dumped my fiancee of 5 years for cheating on me 6 months before the wedding. She was the one who wanted to be monogamous, not me. So I agreed and she went ahead and cheated on me. I could not live with a wife who I could not trust and is a proven liar, as well as someone who has shown me to be unworthy of trust. I bet every time she comes home late or acts differently it eats you up inside. I will guess that her infidelity would come up in arguments. Trust takes a very long time to regain and even then, it will never be the same as before. Your wife will resent you not trusting her and may send her into the arms of another man. That is no way to live. 

One last thing, the married women I knew who cheated on their husbands went on to cheat over and over again. They did not stop as promised. They just got better at hiding it.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> I always say country music composers write our lives. Here's one dedicated to MAJDEATH written and performed by my close relative.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65VzVXCP248


This made me lol! Too funny.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Vinnydee said:


> *A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior.* T


This is what concerns me the most. 10+ yrs ago she got involved with some people she worked with, and I am not 100% certain that she has felt enough pain, regret, and remorse related to those times to overcome any remaining predisposition to want to get close with co-workers. But there may be another reason. 

Just recently, we acquired a rental property and I discovered that she had opened up to one of the female renters (a virtual stranger) about some personal information from our past (finances, career choices, education, medical issues, etc). This came up because we needed to evict this tenant and she went about bashing us on social media, using the information my W told her about us. 

I have been working with my W for several years about not revealing personal information to relative strangers that we encounter in our day-to-day life, and it appears that thru years of counseling we have learned that she demonstrates many traits from the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) spectrum. One of those traits is she may idealize potential caregivers at the first or second meeting, and share very intimate information early on in a new relationship. Another trait she demonstrates is sudden changes in opinions and plans about her professional career choices, which she has done consistently throughout our marriage. There are some other traits as well, more info here: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/ 

My point here is I believe there is a distinction between personal responsibility in behavior and the effects of a mental health condition, which is not the fault of the afflicted.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> This ^^ x 100.
> 
> MJ, you have the double problem with 1) wife having loose boundaries and 2) her being surrounded by confident, arrogant SOBs who think nothing about banging one or more of the legal staff.
> 
> I really don't have any advice. It probably is one of the worse types of environments she can work in.


Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.
> 
> Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.


Sounds like an interesting job. Does she like research and investigation?

From previous posts it sounds like she might like the work.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> How about the 2 of you discuss appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex? Being that she has cheated in the past I would have thought this was vital. It seems she had no boundaries. Does she give you full access to her phone and computer? How many times has she cheated? What conditions did you put on the marriage continuing? Have you told her that one more affair and the marriage is over?
> 
> You must have very low self esteem to let her treat you so terribly.


We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Sounds like an interesting job. Does she like research and investigation?
> 
> From previous posts it sounds like she might like the work.


It seems a very good career move for her right now. The receptionist revealed that my W was the best candidate of the 8 they interviewed, by far!

And before anyone asks, this law firm does not handle family court/divorce cases, only personal injury cases .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*At this juncture, I'm afraid that even the growing of a third eye in the back of your head wouldn't even begin to offer all that much help!*


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> It seems a very good career move for her right now. The receptionist revealed that my W was the best candidate of the 8 they interviewed, by far!


Was the receptionist a man?

I'm working a theory.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff.


But, you know....since she supposedly has a 'mental condition,' *nothing* is her fault so she shouldn't be blamed when she has an affair with at least one of them. I would imagine that same 'mental condition' would affect her work in some way, wouldn't it? Or does it just 'cause' her to cheat?

When she's got _you _making excuses for her, the world is her oyster.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

You wrote, *Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff. *

Given what your WW has done, can she even be trusted around other females?

Tamat


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> :wtf:
> 
> The last time I checked on your issues. There was OM in the picture and she was doing foot things among other things with her. You were set on divorcing and now she is back?
> 
> ...


I got my butt chewed a while back for referring to him as that. (even tho others have been called that many many times in many many different threads....) 

I'm not sure why he gets triggered at this point. He knows she cheats and he chooses to stay. I would think its just part of day to day life at this point. Makes me sad.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> It seems a very good career move for her right now.


But unfortunately, likely not a very good move for the marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)




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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

stixx said:


> Was the receptionist a man?
> 
> I'm working a theory.


No


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your life is never boring.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> But, you know....since she supposedly has a 'mental condition,' *nothing* is her fault so she shouldn't be blamed when she has an affair with at least one of them. I would imagine that same 'mental condition' would affect her work in some way, wouldn't it? Or does it just 'cause' her to cheat?
> 
> When she's got _you _making excuses for her, the world is her oyster.


I think you are framing this in the wrong perspective. Just because a person has a mental condition (or any other medical condition) does not relieve them from the responsibility of seeking treatment, taking medications, and working closely with a psychiatrist to be able to maintain normal behavior in society: at home, at school, at work, at church, etc. They are still responsible for their actions and the people around them have to decide whether to accept their behavior and determine if they are doing everything in their power to cope with the condition. Zero or little effort = zero or little reason to stay.

In times past my W was making little effort at dealing with her mental condition or trying to self medicate thru other means. It was most often during these times when she engaged in past infidelity. Definitely a correlation that can be made. She readily accepts the responsibility was hers.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Majdeath,
> 
> You wrote, *Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff. *
> 
> ...


If you are implying what I think you are implying, that has never been a problem in the past.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> If you are implying what I think you are implying, that has never been a problem in the past.


Are you are implying what I think you think he is implying?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> The sad truth is that if they are going to betray they are going to and no amount of worry can change that fact so it is truly counterproductive to occupy your mind with those thoughts. *Recently I have begun to redirect my mind to another process. Whenever I think of her betraying me I no longer focus on the betrayal but rather on my game plan as to D and moving on.* I find the thoughts burn out much faster when I stop thinking of "what she may be doing to me" and *focus instead on how I will move on if that does indeed occur.* In that way I am not focused on the betrayal and I am aligning my waterfowl for that possibility. I wish you good fortune.


YES! I've already started thinking that myself. I some ways I am better today than I was a month ago. Hell, I'm better today than I was a week ago. So its only been a few weeks that I've thought about things that way.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

TaDor said:


> YES! I've already started thinking that myself. I some ways I am better today than I was a month ago. Hell, I'm better today than I was a week ago. So its only been a few weeks that I've thought about things that way.


I'm with you on that one. As much as I may still look into something if she's acting suspicious, I stopped worry about what she may or may not be doing and who she talks and texts with, it's made my stress level a whole lot better, lol. Now when I look into something or look at her texts, without her knowing, it's more evidence collection than anything else. As much as my wife didn't have a physical affair, there was an emotional one, possibly two. And unfortunately the courts don't see emotional affairs or texting with other men, even sexting, as grounds for divorce. But where the evidence does come in handy is when it's time to split everything up, alimony, child support and custody. It does prove her character, attitude towards the marriage and failure to work on the marriage which is always helpful if she wants to fight claiming she deserves more than her share.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Majdeath,
> 
> You wrote, *Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff. *
> 
> ...


I... tripped and fell onto her face... and his penis.


Sorry... had to do it. its just one of those days. Hopefully, she will be a good girl... as I hope for mine.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> I always say country music composers write our lives.


So you are saying never trust serial cheaters?

All forms of music is a reflection of life... even if its rap (which imo is more crap than not).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your only solution to her cheating:

Do your research on islands.

Indonesia has what, hundreds of them?

Find one that is deserted. Take a boat to that one. Bring her with you.

Unload a lifetime of survival gear and foodstuffs. Build both of you a nice hut.

Sink the boat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.


I hope she keeps to them. How many affairs has she had?


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Your only solution to her cheating:
> 
> Do your research on islands.
> 
> ...


With his luck and her tenacity she'd probably hook up with this guy.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.
> ...


4 that she told me about, how many has yours had?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> She's cheated enough times the number is no longer important.


Sadly, what she does is no longer important either. It's OP that has the real issues that require professional help. He comes here looking for answers when in reality we are not adept to helping him in any way, form, or fashion. 

His way of dealing with his wife's shenanigans clearly shows us just how unhealthy and unstable he really is. I can't deny this any longer. It is just not possible. 

This is hurting me personally and in my real life, when a patient/student of mine is beyond my reach to help him; I simply send them off to a professional that can indeed help them and not be personally involved. I have reached this point with @MAJDEATH. 

He now states that he stays because she is ill. That is not his problem nor his responsibility. This woman is not his kid. The kid she made him believe was his is a grown man now and I am pretty certain he knows just how sick his momma is. Majdeath staying with her is just a very poor excuse for not seeking professional help for himself to remove himself from such a toxic individual his WS is. 

He doesn't have a backbone left to stand on. He isn't doing anything positive to regain that backbone. He is choosing to be a toxic woman's door mat with the ridiculous excuse of illness. 

No one buys this excuse. It is just not honest and can't be taken seriously by anyone with half a brain and most of us have much more than half a brain.


How terribly sad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> 4 that she told me about, how many has yours had?


Thank you for enduring the onslaught of sarcasm. Mine included. 

Doubters are numerous......... are rife.

Optimists and forgiving souls..........are as rare as 15 year old Ambergris.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> Evinrude58 said:
> 
> 
> > She's cheated enough times the number is no longer important.
> ...


I didn't know you were the official spokesperson for all TAM forum members.

I don't think I ever asked for answers, although I value the opinions of others. I talk to my counselor about those things. I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> This is hurting me personally and in my real life, when a patient/student of mine is beyond my reach to help him; I simply send them off to a professional that can indeed help them and not be personally involved.


:crying:

I too have felt this sadness as a result of putting myself in another [betrayed] poster's situation. It is the weak response to abuse that bothers me. 

I keep thinking.....*why do I keep coming back to TAM? 

Like a Moth flying into the Flame. 




*Maybe to annoy @EleGirl


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.


Haven't seen too many other situations like yours where the wife has cheated so many times with so many partners and the husband just turns a blind eye to it or excuses it.

I have never come across a story (other than yours) where the wife with the history of serial cheating with countless men tells the husband that the newest guy, who she was alone with in a hotel room, was simply giving her a foot massage- and the husband buys it hook line and sinker. 

There is no benefit to betrayed spouses from reading your threads other than perhaps learning what not to do.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> *Maybe to annoy @EleGirl


LOL

I don't think you have the power to annoy her! You are wasting your time on that lame excuse. >


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> I didn't know you were the official spokesperson for all TAM forum members.
> 
> I don't think I ever asked for answers, although I value the opinions of others. I talk to my counselor about those things. I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may* benefit from the insight of a similar situation.*



I am no spokesperson for TAM, just like your situation is far from similar to anyone else's. I would argue to the contrary. It is quite unique in a very twisted way. If you can't see it, then your counselor is a phony and you need to seek better professional help IMNSHO. You are not getting better at all, but you are wasting your hard earned money on it. So someone other than you is benefiting for sure!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.


QFT!


Talk about spinning/twisting things to fit ones needs ha!

Either way OP, you don't want help, you can't really help anyone else with your unique situation. There is nothing left to say, but I do hope you wake up and get healthy one day by letting go of the albatross your cheating spouse is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Majdeath,

It's cool that you love your wife. No relationship is perfect, your is just particularly clouded by your wife's cheating.
It's good that you have passwords and are able to see her social stuff. Good that you are discussing this stuff and she's agreeing with boundaries.

Heck, maybe she will stop cheating. But honestly, it's unlikely.
If you can live with it, live with it and don't worry about anything else, especially other people's opinions.

I personally think she is not going to choose to stop cheating and as soon as a decent looking guy gives her the right kind of attention, she'll be up to her old tricks.

If you are happy, I'm happy.

I really don't think there's any way to break her from her shenanigans. The only thing you can do is learn to detach and get out of this kind of life of worrying. But, if you can handle the worrying all the time, maybe you'd be happier with her.

I hope lightning strikes her and she has an epiphany and stops the cheating. SOunds like you would have a good marriage if she'd just finally grow up a little. I agree with others that she's not ill. She just likes sex and attention from more than one man, and from what I read, she's attractive enough to get lots of attn. from men. Just a bad combination...
Good luck


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

About my earlier post I was not implying that your WW was a lesbian, just that a person with lowered boundaries who get intimate quickly with others can fall into an emotional relationship with anyone.

Tamat


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.


Actually, yes and no. It depends. Sadly, it does. Medication or lack of medication can cause a person to go "crazy" or have thoughts they would not normally have.
The other factor is that every human has the capacity and natural mental ability to have an affair. Even here we talk about how getting close to co-workers can accidently start that path not the same as the guy (or woman) who is on the hunt to find someone to cheat with.

Early days of post-D day, I went through 3 different kinds of medication before a doctor got me on something that was stabilizing and non-addictive. I did Xanax for a while but had given someone else control of the pills for fear of becoming addicted. But Xanax can usually be bad for depression. Did Prozac for 2 days, stopped when sudden abnormal thoughts of suicide started.

Drinking can severely effect medication and of course cause death. 6+ months before the affair, my wife's doc. gave her a different medication - which over the course of a few days didn't know how bad things were getting until it blew up. Police were called - she ran away, she had accidently caused self-harm by falling over a railing. Stop that medication cold. It was talking to the cops who said "has she started taking new meds?" - light-bulb.

Now, the thing to keep in mind is that people who are bi-polar seem to be higher with cheating... and can become addicted to the AP much harder than a non-bipolar person.

None of this should give the cheater a "get out of jail free" card, of course. That is up to the BS / WS to decide and what damage has been done and what is tools are being used for recovery.

Those without mental illness, have less excuse or reason for their actions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.


Agreed, thats being used as an excuse for her appalling behaviour. I know loads of people who have had serious mental illness and who have been on many types of medication, none of them acted that way. 

To the OP, have you ever told her that if she cheats one more time the marriage is over, and meant it? The thing is she has cheated many times and there have never been any consequences. No wonder she keeps on doing it, she knows that you will do nothing. She has nothing to loose. 
I can understand having someone back the first time, if they are truly repentant, but the fact that she has done it many times shows that she was never truly sorry. 
I hope your faith in her is rewarded, but sadly I doubt it will be. :frown2: 

My brother had a wife like yours, she ended up having 4 long affairs and eventually she divorced him and married her 4th lover. Its was the best thing she could have done for him, he now has a lovely faithful partner who treats him with love and respect not like trash as yours is.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

One of the things that also came out of the Iast incident is I will no longer defend my W to family, friends, and even on TAM. Her meds and therapy are now adjusted and under control, and she is responsible for her actions. So if something happens at her new job, it is totally on her and I walk away with everything knowing she had every chance to make it right, but choose not to. No regrets. I know the odds of a former serial cheater flying straight are low, but that's where it is.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MAJDEATH said:


> One of the things that also came out of the Iast incident is I will no longer defend my W to family, friends, and even on TAM. Her meds and therapy are now adjusted and under control, and she is responsible for her actions. So if something happens at her new job, it is totally on her and I walk away with everything knowing she had every chance to make it right, but choose not to. No regrets. I know the odds of a former serial cheater flying straight are low, but that's where it is.


You have done above and beyond what can be expected to save your marriage.

Keep your eyes open, don't get too comfortable yet and good luck.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

The first 2 weeks, she was very chatty at the dinner table, telling me all about the new folks she is working with. This week, not so much. I hope this is not indicative of an EA in its early stages, but merely a shift in having already told me about everybody there.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

So you sit with her at the dinner table, wondering if she's cheating on you because she's not talking about work as much. Knowing the odds are high that she is.

This is no way to live.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> One of the things that also came out of the Iast incident is I will no longer defend my W to family, friends, and even on TAM. Her meds and therapy are now adjusted and under control, and she is responsible for her actions. So if something happens at her new job, it is totally on her and I walk away with everything knowing she had every chance to make it right, but choose not to. No regrets. I know the odds of a former serial cheater flying straight are low, but that's where it is.


She was responsible for her actions in the other affairs as well.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> She was responsible for her actions in the other affairs as well.


Just as OP was for his two (iirc) affairs. They deserve each other.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

rzmpf said:


> Just as OP was for his two (iirc) affairs. They deserve each other.


Turnabout is fair play. 

Besides I think they were separated at the time so it's not an affair in the truest sense of the word.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

stixx said:


> Turnabout is fair play.
> 
> Besides I think they were separated at the time so it's not an affair in the truest sense of the word.


That was his excuse when I started reading his story. Truth was uncovered where she had been unfaithful to the point that he was raising a kid that was not his but told he was the baby's daddy.

It's a real twister, this sad story for sure!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My memory of the earlier threads (and obviously I could be wrong) is that he was in the military and told her dating other men was okay while he was gone as he was dating other women. Maybe she decided she liked that once she started and just didn't stop. But maybe she wouldn't have started if he hadn't encouraged her to. Who knows. His is a crazy story.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> 2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.
> 
> Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did not end up well. We shall see.


MD you get what you stayed for. I am starting to think you like your wife sleeping around.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.


So you put her in a position where she will have her brains ****** out of her so you can divorce her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.


More info, please, on how you will VERIFY she is keeping to these new boundaries.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MAJDEATH said:


> The first 2 weeks, she was very chatty at the dinner table, telling me all about the new folks she is working with. This week, not so much. I hope this is not indicative of an EA in its early stages, but merely a shift in having already told me about everybody there.


Again, I'll ask: HOW are you going to verify what she is or isn't doing to cheat on you?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> I didn't know you were the official spokesperson for all TAM forum members.
> 
> I don't think I ever asked for answers, although I value the opinions of others. I talk to my counselor about those things. I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.


Who benefits from a person who allows their spouse to use them and walk all over them like you do. If your counselor is telling you that you should be ok with this and forgive, he or she is out of their ******* mind.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> That was his excuse when I started reading his story. Truth was uncovered where she had been unfaithful to the point that he was raising a *kid that was not his but told he was the baby's daddy.*
> 
> It's a real twister, this sad story for sure!


In case it was unclear from before, we both knew I was not the bio-dad long before he was ever born. I accepted them both when we got married, he was 1 at the time.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

turnera said:


> More info, please, on how you will VERIFY she is keeping to these new boundaries.


Multiple ways if necessary. Let's just see how it goes for now.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

stixx said:


> Turnabout is fair play.
> 
> Besides I think they were separated at the time so it's not an affair in the truest sense of the word.


Yes we were separated and had an (albeit a very bad) agreement.


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