# No action = crankly, argumentative and angry



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Long time lurker here. I'm the HD and she's the LD. I won't go into specifics yet, but just checking here how long can you go without any action before you start getting angry, irritable, and just carrying that feeling with you like a ball in the pit of your stomach. Self administration takes some of the edge off, but I think others agree that the resentment and seething come back quick.

For me....3 weeks....which sucks because no relief typically until weeks 4 or 5.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

The nerve of you comming here asking that what the h*ll is your problem. it just pi$$es me off to no end when ......


I know where your comming from!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Simple: go cranky 24/7 until further notice and refuse any offerings of the monthly type intended to take the edge off...

Those people have a very good idea of the interval and will take full advantage of it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Back a long time ago (10-12 years) it wouldn't affect my mood for a couple weeks. Now it's 2-3 days. In my experience, the longer you're in a low/no sex relationship the less patience you have.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

January....

Yes, I will say it again. January....

Cranky doesn't even come close.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> The nerve of you comming here asking that what the h*ll is your problem. it just pi$$es me off to no end when ......
> 
> 
> I know where your comming from!


:rofl:I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Try 5 months with no rollo!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

How about three times in 2 1/2 years, with a gap of about 1 1/2 years in there?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I can't even contemplate those kind of time periods. Road rage statistics would be so much lower I believe if their sex lives were better. That anger has to go somewhere.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I went four years, and then we divorced. Over the past year, my STBW and I have managed to go a bit less than 48 hours without any action a few times, but the crankiness sets in for both of us at about the 36 hour point...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It may be easier said than done for some people but try to separate the crankiness from the lack of luck ))

If you carry non-coital crankiness into a client meeting and blow a proposal you've been working at for weeks, you will have other things to worry about beyond getting lucky. 

On the other hand, if you can turn cranky on demand, do it where, when, and with whom it counts, things would likely be better.

If you are cranky 24/7 with everyone, your 'partner' has won.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

It's not a competition for my wife. More like pure ignorance (which is my fault as much as it's hers for our current state). We're not seeing who can outlast the other, but I'm shocked she can't put one and one together and see that I"m not a happy camper after nearly a month.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

CASE said: "We're not seeing who can outlast the other, but* I'm shocked she can't put one and one together *and see that I"m not a happy camper after nearly a month."


When you put it like this, what it says is "I am shocked she isn't a mind reader".

Have you laid it all out for her and explained your emotional state as it moves further and further away from the last sexual encounter?

If you have done so and she still doesn't get it, it is on you to tell her again. Tell her as many times as she needs to hear it until she "get it".

Give her books to read, send her articles, about the fact that sexless marriages are at risk of divorce. Then discuss them with her after she's read them.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm sure she can put two and two together. It's just that four doesn't mean anything to her. Whether she "does" anything or not, her reward remains the same. She might even enjoy seeing you pissed off. The challenge is to make her see that being a wife is in her best interest and that refusing to be a wife threatens things she values.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How is it possible that an adult married woman hasn't deciphered the mystery that her husband likes sex? Do you also have to explain to her that you get wet when it rains, that you feel hungry when you've gone all day without eating, you get cold when the temperature drops? Sex is a normal human need. It's not some little special quirk you, alone, have. She doesn't know what her husband looks like when he's content and what he looks like when he's agitated? My dogs can figure out when their behavior displeases me and they don't need a lot of discussion, charts, powerpoints, or diagrams. Of course, I also don't give them dog cookies for crapping on my floor.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Why do you even care, unbelievable? Weren't you the one who wrote the post that there is no real good tangible reason for a man to get married these days?

Given that is your belief, who cares what ANY WIFE SAYS OR DOES?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Wow..some of the reply's are shocking. I think if I'd gone that long I'd of initiated a nuclear war by now...talk about cranky. 

Seriously though, assuming I'm not preoccupied by severe stress at work or something like that three days without and I'm starting to get antsy.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Usually around day five I get cranky. One week and I am angry. 
However. We went on vacay and had hardly any privacy from parents and kids. We were both so exhausted from driving there and being in the sun and water all day that it didn't bother me. I wasn't even in the mood.
He was naked a lot in our room and I ogled but didn't feel like doing anything. 
Very odd for me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I can go two days and then I get very cranky. 

In my past life with ex there was very little sex towards the end and I was one grumpy bird.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> It's not a competition for my wife. More like pure ignorance (which is my fault as much as it's hers for our current state). We're not seeing who can outlast the other, but I'm shocked she can't put one and one together and see that I"m not a happy camper after nearly a month.


You should tell her. Make it clear how the sexual frustration is affecting you. I'm was taken aback when I realized how deeply it was affecting my husband to only be having sex a few times a month. He was cranky a lot of the time, but I saw a lot of reasons for him to be cranky besides lack of sex and tended to tell him to address those first because his crankiness sure wasn't doing anything to help my libido. 

We're not having issues anymore that affect our sex life, so we talk about those low sex years quite a bit to try and figure out what went wrong. To answer your original question, he told me that it was about day four that the crankiness would set in. 

For me, I can skip one day now and again, but don't like to miss it more than two days in a row. Not sure how long it would be until I was cranky, though. I think it has more to do with how bad I want it on a given day than how long it's been.


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

At the three week mark I start feeling tense. If I go a month...like I have my P then go to the next P without any intimacy...I start feeling angry and discarded. Go another few weeks and I start wondering if he's cheating or if I should just give up and cheat. Note: this is what's in my mind...not in my actions. But going without intimacy for months makes me feel unplugged and lonely. And before anyone flames me, I try to engage him. He isn't into it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Along with what I said eariler though, even though my STBW and I have gone as long as two days without any sex, the affection is always there. Holding hands, hugs, touches when we pass eachother, real kisses, not just pecks, falling asleep holding each other..those things are a constant. Honestly, I think I would get crankier faster without those things for a few days than without sex for a few days.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The bad mood and disconnected feeling sets in around day 3 for us.Anything longer than that and one or the other will demand a discussion about the state of things.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

There was a night a while back where we both kind of fell asleep and didn't do anything, and the next day we both felt kind of weird about it. We talked a bit about it. There was actually a disconnect starting, but not in a bad way per se. Not like if we didn't have sex because we were angry, but it was definitly there. If that makes any sense?

One thing I am very thankful for about my STBW is that even if she is irritated with me, or other things, it doesn't have much affect on her desire. She still wants me, and will initiate even if she's pissed.

I am still having a difficult time with that aspect of her though because my ex-wife was the type that the stars all had to be aligned perfectly, and I had to be prefectly complient for an extended period of time, and then maybe she would consider sex. My natural defense when she would get irritated about anything was to shut my desire off, and I got very good at shutting it down...like flipping a switch.

Learning that I don't have to shut my desire off because my STBW is upset is a bit of a learning experience that I am still struggling with.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> There was a night a while back where we both kind of fell asleep and didn't do anything, and the next day we both felt kind of weird about it. We talked a bit about it. There was actually a disconnect starting, but not in a bad way per se. Not like if we didn't have sex because we were angry, but it was definitly there. If that makes any sense?
> 
> One thing I am very thankful for about my STBW is that even if she is irritated with me, or other things, it doesn't have much affect on her desire. She still wants me, and will initiate even if she's pissed.
> 
> ...



This is actually really interesting to me, because I'm at where you were, and I have much the same defense mechanism. It would be nice to think that things could happen without weeks of walking on eggshells to make sure I don't say the wrong thing in the lead-up.

In response to the OP: It starts to wear on me after a few days, and I usually go weeks--sometimes months at a stretch. End result, I'm pretty cranky, argumentative and angry. I just have to keep it under wraps so I don't take it out on the wrong people.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Long time lurker here. I'm the HD and she's the LD. I won't go into specifics yet, but just checking here how long can you go without any action before you start getting angry, irritable, and just carrying that feeling with you like a ball in the pit of your stomach. Self administration takes some of the edge off, but I think others agree that the resentment and seething come back quick.
> 
> 
> For me....3 weeks....which sucks because no relief typically until weeks 4 or 5.


For me, one week is the longest I can go with no sex before I start getting cranky, and irritable. I also start getting painful balls at that point and its my bodies way of saying, time for sex and that release. Otherwise, the pain stays for days and its really bad.

Now if its 3 - 4 weeks, I get downright *****y and short tempered and don't talk much to my wife at that point.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

I could say I hate a lot of you right now with the sex every few days. I have gone over 3 months now and until recently I was just about at the point of grabing her and throwing her out the door because the state of our marriage I can count on one hand the amont of sex I had in the past 2 years all I can say is find something that you can channel all that anger and resentment into for me its motorcross and the gym/training but even then you can only pound out so many laps at the track before you start noticing all the other possibilities.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm going to ask the question again tho. Is the cranky behavior only towards your partner or towards everyone? At work, school, sports, etc?


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I think most of crankiness is saved for home, but it does leak into other aspects of my life on occasion. Being with friends helps distract me, but put me in a situation like a tailgater or seat hogger on the subway, and yeah, some of that anger could easily flow to that situation.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Coming up on 8 weeks without for me and I am pretty pissed. It affects my interactions with everyone. Sometimes I am able to go numb for a week or so, but the anger resurfaces.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Well, here's the problem though. If your anger shows, and your partner (or 'partner') sees it, that is all they need to see to continue doing it. It's not like they don't know. For all they know they're ecstatic. Which defeats the purpose of being angry.

See, they have their internal coitus-frequency-meter running also and know how long they can go without provoking serious response. The golden standard of 1x a month or 10x a year did not materialize out of thin air.

In February I embarked into finding out exactly how this works. After one lackluster encounter in late March we had pretty much warfare 24/7 for a couple months. She tried to initiate for four weeks straight and I basically stood my ground - and she did not like it one bit. After nearly 4 months I decided to have a go at it to see if the message came thru. After a very memorable night I'm afraid there are many neurons still following the old party line. I'm guessing one more discussion and things will take a very decisive move downhill for a while unless the neurons change their mind. It's a slow process. 

It's not fun doing all this but considering the cards I've been dealt, it's a miracle anything happens at all. My suggestion is to vent your frustration - not anger - at your partner but try to compartmentalize enough so that it does not spill outside the bedroom.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I get cranky after 2 days of no sex. Anymore than that I'm a real grouch. Not just at him either. Just generally cranky.

Now when I do have sex I'm a real sweet person.

You'd think husband would figure it out.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> It's not a competition for my wife. More like pure ignorance (which is my fault as much as it's hers for our current state). We're not seeing who can outlast the other, but I'm shocked she can't put one and one together and see that I"m not a happy camper after nearly a month.


My god how do you people do it? First off she is well aware and plays dumb, or she is incredibly stupid...you choose.

Second having sex once a month or longer is almost what is considered a sexless marriage (very close) I believe less than 10x per year is considered as such. This is not healthy and will eventually lead to much larger issues. Stand up for yourself in this situation, do it nicely at first but do it. Woman do not sleep with those they are not attracted to nor respect. and if she knows you are not satisfied but you do not fight for your self you are in turn making yourself less respected and attractive to her. So get yourself better looking, smell better, etc... Do some things to relax her. Bubble baths, start to help more with chores she feels burdened by etc... Once you are doing all you can to entice her to meet your needs you have every right to let her know it is to be regular meaning at minimum weekly or hit the road and get yourself some sex. You can always get a room mate in your start over life and that is what you have now.
my wife went LD after our second child and I went 2 years with very little sex and it turned me into a total wimp. We addressed it, I stood up for myself, got better looking, took better care of her needs and now it is everyday and we get irritable if we can't one day and are allover one another the next. Even that time of the month. So get on it man, do something about it, if she won't come to your side of the fence and at minimum meet you in the middle then divorce her


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Word of advice...don't refer to my wife as stupid.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Word of advice...don't refer to my wife as stupid.


gave you a choice. she is either well aware and plays dumb OR is stupid. You clearly do not think stupid and I not knowing her would assume she is not. 
That means she is playing dumb so she does not have to meet your needs. Sorry you are so sensitive. I never called her anything, I gave you what I see as the choice based on what you have written.

Have you ever considered that she is not attracted to you?
Again just a question as lots of wives stop feeling the urge when the men get bald and a grow a gut.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The s-word is not used in a derogatory context here. I was too lazy to do a proper psychological literary review, so I coined the two terms, 'evil' and 'stupid' (in quotes hopefully) and their relationship (or contribution percentage wise) to LD. 

There really are no absolutes at either end; I can't imagine pure ignorance of a partner's physical needs to be likely in this day and age, and a fully evil spouse would have split a long time before LD was ever an issue...


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Both the OP and John's situation are so much like mine was. These are control issues. Nothing more, nothing less. She may or may not realize she is doing it. If you read a few articles on passive aggressive behavior, you will think the author had a camera in your house. This is a VERY difficult issue to deal with, and I wish you luck. I hope you are ready to consider divorce.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

True enough. But you gotta wonder about the mix. With a doctorate in applied mathematics and a quarter century of work experience, my wife would not be expected to be 'stupid' in the absolute sense. But, with seriously underdeveloped social and empathy skills one has to wonder whether interpersonal and relationship issues even register in her radar screen. To counter her lack of such skills she generally defers most practical things to me or she is extremely mistrusting of anyone... 

Divorce is an option but as I have posted before with two super ambitious daughters and big college plans, I think of it as the ultimate sacrifice .


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> Long time lurker here. I'm the HD and she's the LD. I won't go into specifics yet, but just checking here how long can you go without any action before you start getting angry, irritable, and just carrying that feeling with you like a ball in the pit of your stomach. Self administration takes some of the edge off, but I think others agree that the resentment and seething come back quick.
> 
> For me....3 weeks....which sucks because no relief typically until weeks 4 or 5.


For me, my limit is about 15 days....I get the waking the floor horny's...Can't relax, can't sit still, can't focus...Sit a while, walk a while, try to watch TV.., repeat....It is not a fun situation....

I am distant, grouchy, don't want to communicate....

I feel like this is emotional blackmail in a way, but I don't think acting all HAPPY HAPPY would result in a resolution, in fact I know it would not........

We are working on us, and I do see some things getting better....I am on day 2 now so I am in a good place right now....

Married 47 years, age 66...

the woodchuck


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

After 3 days I get antsy. After 5 days I am cranky and my limit is about a week before I turn into a raging witch... That's when I start thinking about sex non-stop and ogling guys at the gym....
Right now I am at day 5 and have plans for sex for tomorrow... If that falls through, watch out world!


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Red2 said:


> After 3 days I get antsy. After 5 days I am cranky and my limit is about a week before I turn into a raging witch... That's when I start thinking about sex non-stop and ogling guys at the gym....
> Right now I am at day 5 and have plans for sex for tomorrow... If that falls through, watch out world!


In the same boat. 

Problem is I swear my wife could go 3 weeks and not even realize it.

Problem then is at about 2 weeks I think she starts noticing the crankiness, the one word responses, the distance. And yippee we may have sex.

Problem compounds itself as I am starting to wish I could turn off all sexual thoughts in myself as I get sick of the "Oh your cranky because its been 2 1/2 weeks, throw you a bone sex"

How's that Cheap Trick song go? "I want you to want me, I need you to need me......" :banghead:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> In the same boat.
> 
> Problem is I swear my wife could go 3 weeks and not even realize it.
> 
> ...


And that's the real trick. The monthly (or quarterly sometimes) "get it done to calm him down" stuff is sometimes worse than not having it happen at all.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Is the attraction still there? 

Have you taken control of them in the bedroom? I mean really taken control and ravaged them? 

Sometimes I hear these threads and think back to my sex life when it became lame and infrequent and I did a lot of reading about female psychology. It helped me to understand the fantasy side of a woman better and how they see sex versus how we do as men.
I started to allow her to feel as though the guy in the bedroom and the guy that helps out with the kids and chores are 2 different men.

It enabled her to take sex off her "chore list" and add it to the I love it when he makes me feel like he needs to F*** me list.

Now we have sex almost daily. Worth a shot..


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Is the attraction still there?
> 
> Have you taken control of them in the bedroom? I mean really taken control and ravaged them?
> 
> ...


Done that. And she likes it. 

I dont want that every time though. I love extended sessions with her.

If every time is me taking her cave man style, I feel like its just about me getting my rocks off and done and over quickly. And it really does nothing for her showing her desire for me. If that exists anymore.:scratchhead:


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