# Whats my next step?



## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I previously asked for advice regarding my husbands inability to orgasm.
Things are not improving and we have come to a bit of a stalemate. The problem is I am scared of aggravating things.
Do I try to talk to him about it?
o I just stop initiating sex altogether for fear of him getting frustrated.
Do I tell him he has to see a doctor as its ruining our marriage. 
I know he loves me, we have been through too much and he is still here for me to doubt that. I feel selfish but I need sex and this really could destroy 27 years of wonderful marriage.
I need help before I do something stupid!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

When you say he can't orgasm, I'm assuming that means he can perform (stay hard), but can't (or has trouble) climaxing.

If that is true, can he satisfy you? In other words, is he able to sustain and get you to orgasm or not?

Trying to isolate the exact problem here so others can advise properly.

If the only problem is that he can't climax then posters can address that. If there are other issues, then it's more complex.

As an example, some years ago I was on a drug that inhibited ejaculation, but I could perform great. I could satisfy my then gf at the time and she loved sex. I just personally couldn't get off and it didn't bother me, I still loved sex with her. She did wonder from time to time why I couldn't climax, but I assured her it was great for me anyway.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

And as an aside, because I had so much trouble getting off, I could go a really long time.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If things still aren't sufficient for you or it's preventing him from having sex, he needs to see a specialist/urologist. Sometimes medications can cause this, but no doubt that was mnetioned when you posted previously. If he's really there for you, he will want to resolve this.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

He has no problem getting hard and always makes sure Im happy. Ive stopped suggesting sex though because I feel like he gets frustrated when he cant climax. We can normally talk about things but he is avoiding this subject and if its caused by stress I don't want to make it worse. He isn't on any medication.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

What happens after intercourse has ended? Do you finish him by hand? Does he go off and finish himself? Does he just go to bed?

If he is always making sure you are happy than why are you not happy? Are you unhappy because you are tying his orgasm to your self-worth? Or because the frequency is not enough?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> What happens after intercourse has ended? Do you finish him by hand? Does he go off and finish himself? Does he just go to bed?
> 
> *If he is always making sure you are happy than why are you not happy?* Are you unhappy because you are tying his orgasm to your self-worth? Or because the frequency is not enough?


This is what I was getting at. better said than me


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening longtemer
As others have said, please be more specific. 

That aside, don't forget that as many have said "the brain is the largest sex organ". Does he have fantasies and does he feel free to tell you what they are? Are you willing / able to do what he wants in bed? 

Is he satisfying YOU in bed - are you just worried that he is not enjoying himself?


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

When I say he makes sure Im happy I mean that when we do have sex he is very attentive to my needs. The problem is sex has become a rarity, Im assuming because he finds it hard work. I do also feel its unfair to expect him to fill my needs if he's getting nothing out of it. After he has tried to climax for a while and it hasn't worked he just stops. As for the question about fantasies I will try anything once and do it again if I like it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You didn't answer the question posed by another member.

Do you try to get him off after you're done?

Your response to the fantasies question is very telling.

You'll try it, and if YOU like it you'll do it again.

You're only half the equation here, remember?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ok, now I get it (I think). The problem is not that you don't enjoy sex, because he can sustain and satisfy you and is 'attentive to my needs' (good hubby so far).

the problem is he can't get off, so that bothers you and him and he's been avoiding sex out of frustration.

Ok. That's a bit difficult, but at least maybe we've isolated the problem. How to get him off. 

I would suggest different sexual techniques to help him climax.
and since I am pretty conservative as far as sex goes, I'm going to leave it to others to suggest ideas.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

I always offer to "get him off " but he declines. Sorry if I was a bit glib about the fantasy thing (trying to inject some humour). I worded it wrong. I will do anything he wants as many times as he wants, Im actually quite kinky and we have tried most things at one time or another. He is the more reserved in the couple. Our sex life isn't unadventurous and I have an array of outfits and toys. I just want to please him but am running out of ideas.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I previously asked for advice regarding my husbands inability to orgasm.
Things are not improving and we have come to a bit of a stalemate. The problem is I am scared of aggravating things.
Do I try to talk to him about it? YES
o I just stop initiating sex altogether for fear of him getting frustrated.never stop initiating. Even if you are getting tired of being rejected, keep doing it in a non confrontational way. Accept any sex he can muster up for you. Communicate!
Do I tell him he has to see a doctor as its ruining our marriage. Research if first. Find a sexual disfuncton urologist, who can do the various physical and blood tests, and really get to the bottom of it. Come along to the appointment too. encourage him a lot
I know he loves me, we have been through too much and he is still here for me to doubt that. I feel selfish but I need sex and this really could destroy 27 years of wonderful marriage.
I need help before I do something stupid!


also, if he has ED, try figuring out ways for you to have an orgasm that does NOT involve his penis! The internet has about a million alternatives to PIV sex. Amazon must have 20 huge warehouses somewhere filled with nothing but sex toys and play things. BUT, involve him in the fun play. No reason he can not pleasure you, even if his penis is recalcitrant.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Longtermer said:


> I always offer to "get him off " but he declines.


Ok, this is weird. He avoids sex because he can't get off with intercourse- that part isn't all that unusual, it happens.

But for him to decline your offers to get him off, and then avoid sex because he can't get off.. well that's a more serious issue that you probably need to address. 

Ask him directly.. say "I understand why you can't get off with sex, that's not uncommon but why would you refuse another option?" There are answers to be found here.



Longtermer said:


> Sorry if I was a bit glib about the fantasy thing (trying to inject some humour). I worded it wrong. I will do anything he wants as many times as he wants, Im actually quite kinky and we have tried most things at one time or another.


Sounds like you are not the problem. At all.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How easily can you get him off with your hands? Same for mouth.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

We have progress. Last night we talked. I approached it very carefully and said I wasn't judging and I was just worried about him. The first thing I said was I wasn't expecting sex so he didn't stop listening to me and start stressing. I asked him to explain at one point things started to come undone and if something was distracting him etc. He was worried that it was taking too long and he was hurting me or that I was getting fed up with the situation. 27 years of marriage and the man doesn't know me at all lol. I told him there was no hurry, Im not in pain and he could take his time. He admitted his sex drive isn't what it used to be and he loses concentration sometimes. Basically I think the one time we should have communicated we didn't after years of talking about everything and anything. We also agreed sex had become too serious, we always had fun with it before.
Anyway we agreed to take the pressure off and take it slow.
This may be too much information but this morning when I woke up he was standing there in his jodphurs and riding boots (we have horses) and a crop in his hand. He's had a smile on his face all day.
I appreciate this isn't a quick fix but we are on the right track.
Thank you to everyone who gave advice. :smthumbup:


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

It seems to me that if he is not worrying about whether or not he O's than he just has a low sex drive. 

If that is the case he might just assume that you are equally ambivalent about sex (people tend to see things by through their own glasses)

You need to make sure he knows what you need to stay content.


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