# "Ive lost that Loving Feeling



## 1339 (Feb 25, 2012)

Need some advice/help

I've been married less than a year and struggling to hold on. I know I love my husband, but I know i'm not in love with him anymore. I feel like we are two roommates living together - not even close roommates. We'll sit on the couch to watch TV and barely say a word to each other. He's been my best friend for years and I think the thing that scares me the most is not having him there, but that's not fair to him or me that I'm holding on for that reason. 

I told him not too long ago that I just don't feel much for him anymore and he said he had no idea I was feeling this way. He knew I was not happy, but just thought I was overworked and that was the issue. For the past month - I think we've shared a bed maybe 5 times and that's usually if I've fallen asleep first and he'll come in after - otherwise I've been staying in my guest room or fall asleep on the couch. We have arguments and say things we know sets the other off and things get more heated. 

I've talked with a counselor and they asked me to dig into the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. I said it was the way I felt when I was with him or without him. I felt like I couldn't get enough of him, loved just knowing he was always by my side and he was my biggest cheerleader in anything I did. I think the biggest thing was he pulled me out of a HUGE hole I felt like I was in and couldn't get out of. Not too long before we met, I had lost my sister and my ex-fiance. So needless to say I was a hot mess. I wasn't looking for any relationship when I met my now husband, so we were friends for some time before we both realized there were feelings there.

When I told my counselor this and she asked what was it about my ex fiance that I fell in love with, she said I instantly lit up when I would talk about him and she believes that I may have tried to replace him with my now husband. I thought it once, but just thought I was being silly so I tried pushing it to the back of my head. Now it's on my mind all the time and I can't fight it.

Divorce is something that I had always thought of as a failure (prob from the way I was raised) and I think it has scared me. I know marriage is not easy, takes a lot of work, push and pull, effort, communication, honesty, but there's only so much I feel like I can give. I'm fairly young - 24 and my husband is 28 - so I know we have a long life still ahead of us. I feel like I have to be truthful to myself and let myself be happy and him too. The thought that keeps circling in my head is why am I dragging this out and eventually dragging him down too. My heart is telling me I need out, but when I think about being without him it scares me. He's a great guy and I want him to be happy and have the family he talks about, but after all this time, I don't see that family picture with me in it anymore. He'll talk about plans for this summer and vacations and kids and my stomach turns every time because I don't believe we'll make it that far.

I've seeked out counseling, i've read online stories from others, talked to a friend that's been through a divorce, and just stuck and not sure where to go now. Do I say it's over and move forward in our own lives separately? Please help


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I recommend that you buy THIS book for your husband to read. There's also a kindle edition.


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## hbubba2 (Feb 25, 2012)

i feel the EXACT same way, im 26 and my husband is 32.....i no longer want kids, i cant stand to hear him talk about future plans/vacations, because im hoping i'll leave or finally tell him how i feel. he is so negative most of the time and that has brought me down too, it has changed my personality in some ways. i dont know what to tell because im stuck too. i kno this would send him in a downward spiral. ive mentioned about us going to counseling and he acts surprised and states nothing is wrong.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How sad. Why did you get married at all? I feel bad for your husband


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1339,

Be very careful about taking some theory put forth by a counselor and thinking it’s what is really going on. 

We tend to romanticize those we lose. So it’s pretty natural that you would get all caught up in that romance and fantasy of you previous bf. I would venture that it has little to do with your current relationship.

The issues sound like real issues with your current relationship. And what you are doing is further eroding the relationship. Instead of trying to fix your marriage you are doing things that further destroy it. One of those is not sleeping with your husband. How do you intend to get that loving feeling back if you have little to no physical contact with him? Sleeping together, just being in the same bed can help to make a couple closer.

I suggest that you find another counselor.. one who can help you find ways to build love, not one who is looking for reasons to not love. Love is a choice. In most marriages there are periods of felling ‘not in love’. If there is no abuse you can repair the relationship.. even if there is some neglect. You can work through these feelings and find that ‘in love’ feelings again. Remember that you are at least 50% responsible for the state of your marriage and 100% responsible for your own feelings.

Often we have periods of unhappiness and ‘not in love’ in our relationship not because of any real problem with the relationship because of where we are in our own lives. Is there anything in your life right now that you are happy with? Anything that brings your joy? Is there anyone in your life to whom you bring joy? Or are you sitting back just complaining that someone else is not making you feel love and joy?

What you are doing right now to him is cruel.. it is a form of abuse. How terrible that you are rejecting him by sleeping in another room. I’ve lived through this as my ex and my current husband have done this sort of thing. Do you have any idea of the horrific emotional pain you are causing your husband? 

If you do not want to work on your marriage then do your husband a favor and set him free to find someone who can love him.

If you do want to work on your marriage and take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below under building a passionate marriage. I also suggest that you read the book *Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner-Davis.

You will get more presonal growth and marital recovery out of these books than most people get out of counseling.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You havent told us why you dont like your husband.


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## CCNew (Feb 25, 2012)

I feel like i am on the reverse end of your situation: my husband has 'lost that loving feeling' and we have only been married for a year and a half. We were together for a couple of years before that. 
Honestly, you aren't doing him any favors if you are hanging in there, but not really wanting to be with him. I wish my husband would step up to the plate and own his decisions, instead of hurting me more by putting me through emotional neglect, and the rejection! I have to admit, the emotional scars are unreal. 
anyway, i don't think anyone can tell you what to do, but by being real and honest, taking some time to think, and talking to your support systems hopefully you can figure out what you want to do. If you decide you want to give him a chance, to see together you can make your relationship stronger through this difficult time and grow/learn etc. it might just end up making you guys stronger! Hope things turn out!


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