# kicked out of our bedroom, please advise..



## oberto

been married almost 2 years, have been together about 4.5 yrs. we are both in our low 30s, no kids, both educated professionals. we moved far away from friends/family right after our wedding for job opportunities. which was a difficult start for us, because my wife is very close to her family, but since then we recently moved into our first home and living away from home is no longer an issue. life was progressing perfectly, i thought, and i couldn't wait to try and start a family this year...

so last weekend my wife comes home and tells me we have to talk. i have no idea what is going to come out of her mouth, and she tells me she is unhappy. that she has been unhappy for months. we have not been intimate lately, hardly any romance, and we have not been having fun on the weekends.

i will admit i have not put as much effort toward romance as in prior years, nor have i planned anything fun. i have also put on about 10-15lbs and my wife is always on me about my weight. i think she is losing her attraction to me, if she hasn't already.

so she asked that i move to one of our spare bedrooms, and that she would not like to talk to me until she figures things out. we eat separately, and i have been hiding from her to give her space.

i am sick to my stomach. i confronted her today, since it has been 7 days and i have not heard anything from her. i want a second chance, but when i asked today she said she still needs time to sort things out. she doesn't want to go to counseling, because to her that means that she wants to work towards fixing our marriage..and she is not sure if she wants to go down that path at this time. it seems nothing has changed in a week, she says she needs more time.

i don't know what to do, i am going crazy, losing sleep. i have to keep myself occupied or i will get very upset. i have been going to the gym and eating much better. please give me some ideas to win my wife back.


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## Notsure01

Let me ask you a couple of things first...this sounds like classic, I've fallen out of love with you because I've found someone else.

So, has she been texting a lot? Do you notice unfamiliar phone numbers on her cell phone? Has she been coming home later than usual? Has she spending time on the computer chatting? New panties? All signs of another interest in her life. I'm not saying she's having a physical affair. But she might be having an emotional one. We girls love attention...and if its lacking at home...someone else might be willing to fill that void...

Now, if none of that has changed or you haven't noticed anything awry...then maybe ask her if you guys can order in food one night and talk...write down some questions for her ahead of time that you'd like to talk about...so that she can gather her thoughts....

Maybe ask her what her ideal marriage is...ask her what it was about you that attracted you to her in the first place. 

Where and when she lost that loving feeling towards you and why does she think that is...

Maybe this can help both of you...she can put things in perspective and you can see where the breakdown started and how to change the behavior(yours and hers).

Good luck!!


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## oberto

i don't think she is seeing anyone, but she is going out with her friends more often. she refuses to talk to me, so your suggestion is not going to work at this point.

it is like living with a roommate right now that ignores you. extremely awkward, and i feel sick when she is out late. i am not sure what i am supposed to do, just keep waiting until she decides not to come home ever again?


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## the guy

oberto,
There is one thing you can control and that is your self. Stop focusing on what she is doing and how bad this is hurting you, but focus on what you will tolorate, your boundries. Set your boundries and protect your self. She is in a fog and will not see the reality of her behaviors.

What I mean is look at your self and the respect you diserve, and if she is not willing to commit to this marriage then you can only control what you will except. So if you are unhappy then distance your self from her and find the things that will make you happy, ie kids ,hoppies, activities that do not involve her.

#1 rule take care of your self, no one else will.
Right now you are so focus on her that you are not looking at your self, your self respect, your confidence.

See chick dig strong confident men, and I believe you are looking more needy, weak, and vulnerable. So please stop begging and crying and pleading for her attention. That is not attractive. show her strength that you can, and will move on with or with out her. 

Right now she see's you as always beeing there and that she can do what she wants and you will except it, WRONG.... show her that you are confident in that you will succeed eith or with out her.

She thinks she has you by the balls , so man up and show her you will not tolorate her behavior and tell her you have boundries that are nonegotable.

If you want respect you have to show it.. not ask for it. Remember, it's not how we get knocked down, it's how we get back up that count.

I know how hard it it to show confidence when you feel so weak, but now is the time to be strong in the fact that you will not tolorare the disrepect that she is showing you and that you diserve to be happy and that her or no one else will take your selfrespect away from you.

Remember chicks find strong and confident men attractive, so don't be that guy...no cring, begging or pleading. you will succeed with or with our her. It is her choice... control the things you can control, and right now you can not control her.

You have been replaced and the OM is more attractive then the wimp you are betraying man up and stop tolorating being a doormat.

Dont take this wrong... I know how it feels to be hurt and losing sleep(crying) but my wife didnt want to admit to the cheating until I manned up and confronted her. Lucky for me she was ready to be done with the cheating and lying and begin to work on our marriage.


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## trey69

To me it sounds like there might be someone else. I'm not saying there is for sure though. However her behavior is just odd, like that of someone that has something to hide. You need to find out exactly what may or may not be going on.


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## F-102

She may not be in an affair, per se, but going out with her friends?
Of course!
She has probably been getting hit on, sees greener pastures and new opportunities, sees the fun, party girl lifestyle that her friends are living...
See where I'm going?

Do a 180-work on you and you alone, make her think that you can get along just fine without her.


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## DanF

the guy said:


> oberto,
> There is one thing you can control and that is your self. Stop focusing on what she is doing and how bad this is hurting you, but focus on what you will tolorate, your boundries. Set your boundries and protect your self. She is in a fog and will not see the reality of her behaviors.
> 
> What I mean is look at your self and the respect you diserve, and if she is not willing to commit to this marriage then you can only control what you will except. So if you are unhappy then distance your self from her and find the things that will make you happy, ie kids ,hoppies, activities that do not involve her.
> 
> #1 rule take care of your self, no one else will.
> Right now you are so focus on her that you are not looking at your self, your self respect, your confidence.
> 
> See chick dig strong confident men, and I believe you are looking more needy, weak, and vulnerable. So please stop begging and crying and pleading for her attention. That is not attractive. show her strength that you can, and will move on with or with out her.
> 
> Right now she see's you as always beeing there and that she can do what she wants and you will except it, WRONG.... show her that you are confident in that you will succeed eith or with out her.
> 
> She thinks she has you by the balls , so man up and show her you will not tolorate her behavior and tell her you have boundries that are nonegotable.
> 
> If you want respect you have to show it.. not ask for it. Remember, it's not how we get knocked down, it's how we get back up that count.
> 
> I know how hard it it to show confidence when you feel so weak, but now is the time to be strong in the fact that you will not tolorare the disrepect that she is showing you and that you diserve to be happy and that her or no one else will take your selfrespect away from you.
> 
> Remember chicks find strong and confident men attractive, so don't be that guy...no cring, begging or pleading. you will succeed with or with our her. It is her choice... control the things you can control, and right now you can not control her.
> 
> You have been replaced and the OM is more attractive then the wimp you are betraying man up and stop tolorating being a doormat.
> 
> Dont take this wrong... I know how it feels to be hurt and losing sleep(crying) but my wife didnt want to admit to the cheating until I manned up and confronted her. Lucky for me she was ready to be done with the cheating and lying and begin to work on our marriage.


The guy is spot on.
Move your behind back into your bedroom.
No one can throw you out of your own private space. If it is that bad for her, let her sleep on the couch.
Man up!!


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## oberto

DanF said:


> The guy is spot on.
> Move your behind back into your bedroom.
> No one can throw you out of your own private space. If it is that bad for her, let her sleep on the couch.
> Man up!!


i hear what you guys are saying and i am not begging/pleading now, i am living my life looking out for me....but i am not going to start WW III and try and kick her out of our bedroom just to prove a point. this is how she has always dealt with (minor) problems in our relationship. she curls up in a ball and hides in our room. in the past a couple of hours later she would come out and apologize, after thinking things over. unfortunately in this scenario its been 2 weeks and she has not changed or said much at all to me.


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## oberto

F-102 said:


> She may not be in an affair, per se, but going out with her friends?
> Of course!
> She has probably been getting hit on, sees greener pastures and new opportunities, sees the fun, party girl lifestyle that her friends are living...
> See where I'm going?
> 
> Do a 180-work on you and you alone, make her think that you can get along just fine without her.


yeah you are exactly correct. she is def. the prettiest girl out of her friends, she keeps her self in shape and enjoys the bar scene. and i am going what you are saying, i am making do on my own. i have to, for all i know this maybe my new reality long term.


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## BigBadWolf

oberto said:


> been married almost 2 years, have been together about 4.5 yrs. we are both in our low 30s, no kids, both educated professionals. we moved far away from friends/family right after our wedding for job opportunities. which was a difficult start for us, because my wife is very close to her family, but since then we recently moved into our first home and living away from home is no longer an issue. life was progressing perfectly, i thought, and i couldn't wait to try and start a family this year...
> 
> so last weekend my wife comes home and tells me we have to talk. i have no idea what is going to come out of her mouth, and she tells me she is unhappy. that she has been unhappy for months. we have not been intimate lately, hardly any romance, and we have not been having fun on the weekends.


A woman in an affair, will often use the "I haven't been happy for (blank)" etc etc etc.




> i will admit i have not put as much effort toward romance as in prior years, nor have i planned anything fun. i have also put on about 10-15lbs and my wife is always on me about my weight.


A woman in an affair, will try to make her man feel the blame for "driving" her into the arms of some affair man.



> i think she is losing her attraction to me, if she hasn't already.


Yes. A woman who is attracted to her man, is not going to behave as you describe below.



> so she asked that i move to one of our spare bedrooms, and that she would not like to talk to me until she figures things out. we eat separately, and i have been hiding from her to give her space.


A woman in an affair, often asks for "space". 

This is not to "think about the relationship" or "make a decision" or any such notion. 

It is to simply let her man down easy over time, rather than to crush him all at once.

Regardless, moving out of your own bedroom, because your woman told you to, a major setback to any respect she may have had for you.

And without respect, there is not going to be sexual attraction.

Needless to say, "hiding" from her isn't helping at all. 




> i am sick to my stomach. i confronted her today, since it has been 7 days and i have not heard anything from her.


Do not expect anything good to come from her. The ball, it needs to be in your court. If you want to save your marriage, you need to make decision. 



> i want a second chance,


Second chance for what? You already jumped through her ridiculous hoops, what did that get you?

Perhaps to experiment in not jumping through any other of her hoops and see instead how that gets you.

Or, if you serious about saving your marriage, put some hoops up for her to jump through. There is the key to all of this mess.



> but when i asked today she said she still needs time to sort things out.


Of course. 



> she doesn't want to go to counseling, because to her that means that she wants to work towards fixing our marriage..and she is not sure if she wants to go down that path at this time.


So?

What do YOU want to do?

Save your marriage? Then arrange your own counseling, set the appointment, tell her when and where, and that's that.

If she goes, fine. If she doesn't go, fine. 

Regardless, go yourself.



> it seems nothing has changed in a week, she says she needs more time.
> 
> i don't know what to do, i am going crazy, losing sleep. i have to keep myself occupied or i will get very upset. i have been going to the gym and eating much better. please give me some ideas to win my wife back.


Gym and eating better, excellent start.

The men's clubhouse, there is this same story already played out many times.

If you decide to save your marriage, there is certain steps to take, the attitude to have, the actions and behaviors to start doing that work, and the actions and behaviors to stop doing that will never work.

Finally this, your woman, she is not your mother. So you should never be content to let her treat you as a child.

Respect, attraction, emotional connection. Each one is built on the other.

And if there is the affair man in the picture, this affair man MUST be taken out of the picture or nothing under the sun will work to restore sexual and emotional connection between your woman and yourself.

I wish you well.


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## Atholk

I'm thinking a likely affair as well.


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## DanF

oberto said:


> i hear what you guys are saying and i am not begging/pleading now, i am living my life looking out for me....but i am not going to start WW III and try and kick her out of our bedroom just to prove a point. this is how she has always dealt with (minor) problems in our relationship. she curls up in a ball and hides in our room. in the past a couple of hours later she would come out and apologize, after thinking things over. unfortunately in this scenario its been 2 weeks and she has not changed or said much at all to me.


Don't kick her out, just move back in.
If the situation is that intolerable she can make the decision to move out.
This is part of the "man up", alpha male thing.


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## oberto

so i talked to my wife again, 2nd Sunday in a row (it has been 2 weeks now). she told me that she is not dating or having an affair, she just wants a break from us and she is having fun going out with her friends.

she shared that i treat her like i am a father. i used to question her poor finances and that bothered her, and now like clock work she knew i would ask her again this Sunday about us. that made her angry and she reiterated that i am not a fun person. she is getting support from her friends, and since they do not know me, only what she shares they are agreeing with her approach.

i talked to someone professionally this past Friday, and i told her about that. she made me feel like that is pathetic that i needed to talk to a complete stranger about my problems and i should only share with friends/family. she said she would never do that, which i guess throws marriage counseling out the door. 

i started to get angry and said this is not fair to me, and i shouldn't have to live in our home and feel awkward and upset. i said if she is not willing to get help then she should consider moving out. that got her visibly upset and i am sure now it will seem to her family and her friends that i am kicking her out.

i really don't know what to make of all of this, advice?


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## the guy

wants a break = I want to find someone else, or have found someone else.

has fun going out = she enjoys the attention she gets from other men, or I like the time I spend with OM.

She issssssssssss cheating. 

Investigate her actions and find proof of her cheating, then you can tell her family why you have kicked her out.

With out the proof you will look like the bad guy. So please investigate her and find out who she is going out with. keep it quite and either have a friend follow her or hire a PI. 

Come on... you don't know who her friends are and she likes to go out with out you and you still believe her. Do you really belive that if shes cheating that she will come out and say it. She my not be dating, but what about ONS? Maybe dancing and just kissing strange guys at the bar is not an affair in her eyes?

She is getting attention from other men, complete strangers maybe, but soon she will find one that catches her eye. She may have already found one. 

I have read stories were a cheating spouse will lie on there parents grave, before admitting infidelity.

At the very least look into the possiblity of her behaving inaproprete for a married women. This may answer alot of questions for you.


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## oberto

my brother's wedding is coming up next month, and i am the best man. she said she would go with me, out of respect for my family, last week. today i told her maybe its best if she does not go, since she is so unsure about us and it would awkward if she keeps up this behavior. she agreed and said she shouldn't go.

did i do the right thing by putting my foot down, or did i just make it that much harder to fix our relationship.


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## F-102

Get her to agree to a legal separation-in writng. Then she can't say that you threw her out or abandoned her.
Good for you to put your foot down!


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## Notsure01

Oberto!! Seriously? 

1. Your WIFE has thrown you out of the bedroom
2. Told you she likes to go out with friends
3. Made you feel like an ass when you were being open and honest about going to see a therapist.
4. Makes you feel like a stranger in your own home. 
5. Won't talk about working things out.
6. She stays out late and you don't know her friends.
7. She questions a conversation about money? That's what husbands and wives do.
-Im sure I'm missing some stuff....but you get the gist...

and you're worried about putting your foot down??????

You should pack your stuff and move out. Give her the space she needs, permanently....

Everyone of these posts tells you that she has another man or men. You might want to start investigating that part, but it sounds like to me, you just don't want to know. Find out where she hangs out and go there and watch from afar. I bet things will come into perspective real quick!!

I'm sorry if this sounds mean..I'm just laying it out there for you in hopes you try to investigate and see what we're all seeing/reading from your posts. And maybe you can get the relationship that you deserve. It sounds like you are one to communicate and that's awesome. Don't let this relationship deter you from that in the future. 

Good Luck and I really hope you take heed from these posts and start thinking about YOUR feelings instead of hers for a change!!


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