# It consumes me...



## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I can't stop thinking about it.

Everything was perfect, I was madly inlove with him, he was my knight in shining armour.. We were starting a life together, our own. We had both come from broken homes, we had both been hurt, we both agreed on what MARRIAGE meant.

We were expecting a child.. he was away on deployment.. I was nervous and anxious and excited for him to come home and hold our beautiful baby for the first time... I knew it wouldn't be perfect, but I didn't expect the reaction I got.

There was something different about him.

I thought it was me, my body, my stretch marks, my weight gain.... I knew I had changed, I was only three months post partum... but I thought I would still be the most beautiful woman in the world to him, I had just given birth to his child.

I held on to it, I tried not to let it out.. I battled it along with post partum depression.. not wanting to stress him out further with the PTSD that he was dealing with. I thought it would get better...

But that feeling in the pit of my stomach wouldn't subside.. and I ended up snooping worse than I ever had before. I had told myself I wasn't going to do this with him, he was a better man than that.. I caved. There it was, a picture of his friend.. his gorgeous, sexy, perfect.. half naked friend. The emails.. the emails shattered me. I was hardly mentioned... It was all about how he couldn't stop thinking about her, his crazy sex dreams about her, "WHAT IFs" that might have been.. I wanted to die.

He denied it... he lied, he tried to cover it up.. he made me feel like I should give up.. say "you win".. he was mean... he was distant.. but when I showed him the door, he begged.

He cried. Told me he loved me. 

I tried to get passed it.. I never did... He would get angry with me if I became insecure.. if I had a bad dream.. I told him I just didn't feel like it ended.

It never did.

My husband's EA lasted almost 3 years. We've been married just shy of 4. To make matters worse.. the whole time I was forcing myself NOT TO snoop, he physically cheated with strangers. How foolish I feel. How stupid. 

What is so wrong with me? Why would he do this to me? Why didn't he just leave me?

To think that he let me touch him after he had been touched by.. whoever knows?

To think that he could come home to me.. and our daughter, after doing these things?

He told me he would never hurt me. He told me after seeing the pain I went through with the picture on his phone, he would NEVER do anything to hurt me.

Now he wants me to trust him... 

I've heard this all before. The begging, the pleading. He says he's being TRANSPARENT..... completely? I'm not sure. I am afraid I can never be sure. 

It keeps me up some nights. I have to hide to cry out of fear of exhausting him. I'm afraid I can never get to a point where I'll make him happy.. I couldn't before... I'm so broken now.

Even if I can trust again... I can never be intimate with him like before. The images of what might have happened play in my head relentlessly. 

I love to be in his arms, but when he hugs me I have to pull myself away because my chest feels like it's caving in....


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I am so sorry that you have been devastated by his betrayal. *You are not alone. We have been were you are.*


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

morituri said:


> I am so sorry that you have been devastated by his betrayal. *You are not alone. We have been were you are.*


He says he wishes I could just crack a smile.

I just can't.... It will be 2 months since DDay (of the physical encounters) in 4 days... I feel like this pain will never end.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

GoingNowhere said:


> He says he wishes I could just crack a smile.


One day you will. But I suspect he won't be there to see it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your wound/cut is too recent. It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to recover from a cut so deep. It is ok to cry.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am so sorry - this sucks so bad. It's not fair. You are not alone.

By the way, you are a gifted writer - if you don't do that for a living now, you should explore it. In fact, it may be a cathartic way for you to let your feelings out.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I am so sorry for how you are feeling and what you are going through. I feel exactly like you do. It has been 3 months since I found out about my husband's EA/PA with a stranger he met in a restaurant. I cried all day every day for 2 months or more. I still hurt from it, but like everyone on here tells us, it is a little better. I don't break down at the slightest thing now. I'm able to work and function more on a daily basis. Some days I pray it won't take 2-5 years, because I don't think I could feel this badly for that long. Keep talking to the others on this forum. This is seriously what made the turning point in my recovery. I had no one to share this with and I could open up on here and be honest. No one judged, everyone cared! They encouraged and made me feel cared about. Hang in there, you are going to be ok. You can make it. You are a great person, and whatever you decide, it will get better!


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It's tough. It isn't fun. It will take a long time before things return to the way they were, if ever, and it will never be exactly the same. 

It's been 18 months since I found about my wife's 8+ month long PA. I have yet to look at her like I did before she decided to go down that yellow coward's road and I don't know if I ever will see her as "my" beautiful wife ever again. 

If it weren't for my 2 beautiful daughters she would definitely have been kicked to the curb. Everyday is tough, some more tough and some less tough. Good luck.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Gut wrenching, this is!

Courage my dear friend. Courage.


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## GoingNowhere (Nov 13, 2011)

I keep waiting for something. What, I'm not sure.. But seeing him live like nothing is wrong kills me more each day. I'm scared to be the one always bringing it up.. Can't he see I'm hurting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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