# 3 things you just can't ask for...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rewriting a post... think this thread asks my question better...

Based on my life experiences I have found three things that I don't believe we have any right to ask for:
Trust Respect Forgiveness

I believe these things have to be earned. Are there any holes in this logic? Factors that I have not considered before I consider this principle absolute?

Also in terms of forgiveness (which I made a thread about but deleted as I thought it's better asked here):

There's the argument of "forgiveness is more for the forgiver; ie moving on with life etc", but is such a passive approach the best when it comes to dealing with - for instance - infidelity? Or a spouse that shows his or her partner no respect?

When there are no consequences it only encourage more of that behavior in my opinion, do folks disagree with this?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

It is from my experience that respect isn't something that is earned. As a human being living in this world with many others, respect for all people should be a given as I would expect others to respect me. With that said, trust and forgiveness are definitely earned due to the fact we live in a society where people are out for number one. I've refrain from forming new relationships because I've find it extremely difficult to allow others into my personal space because I have been betrayed in the past. It's like the saying "fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on me" because we should have learned the lesson the first time around when that person betrayed your trust. Now, forgiveness, to me, is an internal process. Forgiveness is an act intertwined with coming to term with the acceptance that someone wrong you. It doesn't mean absolution for what the person has done more so the person who is betrayed forgive to find peace with what cruel act of betrayal that has occurred.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes that's another thing too!

Like, the type of respect you are refering to, I call that "courtesy", rather than respect. It is no? :scratchhead: Well, tis just my definition anyway...

The type of respect that is earned which I'm refering to, is the type of respect that someone has earned even if you don't like the person - the type of respect that is commanded.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I'm assuming that kind of forced respect would mean that I have to interact with this person but don't really care for him being in my life. For example, a horrible boss, a mean spirited parent or sibling,.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr, kinda... how to explain... :scratchhead:

Yes, I am talking about the type of respect that even if you don't like the person (you don't have to necessary dislike them), or disagree with them, but you respect them. Like a boss could be autocratic in his management style, but as he/she achieves results you look upon with respect for their ability. The kind of respect that isn't easily brushed off, because you know what they are capable of. Such respect can only be earned.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

That respect still highly depends on your perspective and views. It's a choice you make. 

Others might never respect that boss due to their views.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> ...As a human being living in this world with many others, respect for all people should be a given as I would expect others to respect me...


I think there are different levels of respect. There's the inherent respect we have for human beings simply because they exist. I assume the same basic rights for all people and endeavor to treat everyone with basic respect for their time, their feelings, their space, etc.

And then there is the respect where we hold someone in high regard. I think that type of respect is earned over time. I certainly would not have that type of respect for a spouse who cheated.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Answered title question in my head before reading first post. I was thinking 1. Anal sex. 2.a threesome, and; 3. Wild monkey sex in the men's room at Dulles Airport. Sorry. You were being deep and serious.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

RD, maybe its just because I am getting old but I will always remember starting a new job and the old hands looking on cynically and waiting for you to fail. If you didn't, put up with the guff and showed your worth you got respect, and from that trust and when you screwed up and it wasn't stupid or dangerous, forgiveness. I think that relationships are the same, respect, trust and forgiveness must be earned and the most difficult of the three is forgiveness. Then again, I'm not that successful in relationships, so what do I know?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, looks like tis safe to encourage this principle for my daughter then!


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Random,

When it comes to other adults, I agree. I think children automatically give you trust and respect, then you have to lose it with them. Once lost, very hard to regain.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I show a basic level of respect to everyone. If I don't like them, then I minimise my time and my dealings with them. To zero is ideal. That may be what you call courtesy, RD.

I've learned not trust anyone these days. No sharing of confidences especially among the same social circles. I minimise self-dsclosure so that things I say aren't used against me ie, "well, you said you never liked her anyone." as if that were to justify someone being rude to me.

Forgiveness - I think I would be more inclined to forgive someone who asked for it. One of the reasons why I am against forgiving "as a way to move on" is because you may be forgiving someone who doesn't give a f^ck anyway. Then what's the point of forgiving.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh aye, I learnt in my childhood that it's not about who you trust, but what you trust them to do heh, but that's just me. Words go in one ear and out the other even with people I trust, in the end I only trust my instincts.

I also found this true with forgiveness (even though member got banned)


warlock07 said:


> Forgiveness given without asking for is not valued or respected


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