# Hub's bad knees= No more intimacy for me



## XtineB (Nov 28, 2010)

I'm completely baffled. I've had 18 years to get used to his lesser drive- (I knew it was going to be a rough issue when we were 22 and he would rather watch TV than roll around with me). Raising kids & paying bills sucks the life, and the desire right out of some people (not me). I just never expected that after the house was empty, he'd have a new, and unfortunately valid excuse for not being interested in me physically. This was supposed to be OUR time, and instead of increasing our level of physical intimacy from his comfortable 2x a month, now he hasn't touched me since September. I understand that his knees locking up doesn't make him feel sexy,, or the extra 20lbs that's come from being injured, but,, as selfish as it seems, I have needs too. All I get are apologies while we wait for surgery. We worked so hard, and fought for our marriage and now I'm wondering how long I'm supposed to keep waiting for that magic day when it's all going to be ok. This isn't so much about SEX, as it is about the physical expression of love, which apparently, I can't have, but I desperately need from him. He's drinking at least 12 beers a day & is on Lexapro, neither of which is helping. We're fighting a lot; two weeks ago it became violent so we're definitely in the red zone. I'm really tired of paying for whatever isn't right in his life. When I'm stressed, my sex drive increases. I've learned not to count on him to relieve my stress. I just stuff it and occupy myself with our animals and our old house. We really love each other and will both be broken hearted if we split but I'm tired of being sad,, and running out of places to stuff things.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've had sex plenty of times without involving my knees. Of course, I hadn't drank 12 beers. Guys without legs figure out how to get it on. If he were remotely motivated, the knee problem wouldn't stand in his way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with unbelievable... 12 beer a day, fights that get violent... Bad knees don't seem like they should be the root problem. I would be frustrated too, although September doesn't seem like it was all THAT far away. Actually, I think that's the last time my wife and I bumped uglies too, and we have no physical issues... Just relationship ones.

C


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## youtubelud (Nov 28, 2010)

Wow, these questions really bug me. I wish you luck and all the best. They bug me because for over 5 years I've lacked sex from my wife. I've insisted in hormones or marriage or sex therapy but she refuses. It gets very, VERY frustrating. Sadly I met another woman and ended up cheating on my wife. No reason or excuse to do this. Please be open with husband and discuss everything. It does get very lonely and tempting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

youtubelud, you're not alone in that. Just sayin...

C


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## XtineB (Nov 28, 2010)

Thanks for the replies- 
The violence and the 12 beers are new behaviors; one's that he knows are toxic and need to end. He says he'll move out if he ever escalates to that level again. That's not the man he is or ever wants to be. He's always had a couple of beers a day after work, but this drinking all day thing is new and completely unacceptable to me,, even if it's only one an hour. He can do that because he works from home, as a personal trainer, which is where the knees come into play. Any little thing will make them lock, including just laying there. He can't work out. It just about makes him scream when it happens,, it's heartbreaking. He's not handling it well at all. There's no sex because he's not happy. Period. I'm really trying to be patient and supportive but I'm so different from him. As far as I'm concerned, sex isn't optional. It's a great stress reliever,, it's free,, it's healthy,,, it brings us closer,, blah blah blah. He knows all that and it doesn't change a thing. I'm a recovering sex/love addict so for me to complain about our sex life is a dangerous, slippery slope. I'm never sure if my complaints are valid, which is what drove me to reach out in the Forum. In the past, I've used his lack of a sex drive to excuse some really terrible behavior. I don't have those unhealthy coping mechanisms anymore so we have to deal with this head on, and it's nasty business. I spent 6 month in intensive (5x per week) therapy. I did the 12 steps. I had EMDR for PSTD. I removed my abusive mother from my life. I thought, surely since I've worked so hard, God will reward me with peace in my home and love in my bed, which he did, for a while. Now, we're slipping backward fast. I suspect that he still harbors resentment for my years of bad behavior,,, which is fine if he wants to talk about it, but not if he just wants to let it simmer. Part of me suspects that he withholds sex because I'm still being punished, but it's probably not the case. I don't want to negate his issues by making it about me. Anyway,, September is a long time when you're talking to a woman who could do it 6 times a day. Once a week would be heaven! At any rate, it's not about the number,, it's about looking into his eyes and being touched by him. I don't even care if his genitalia is involved,, I just want him to suspend his own reality for a minute and appreciate what he still has with me. 
I absolutely adore him. I wish that were enough to make it all ok. I guess I'll call our Dr. in the morning and get the ball rolling. We can be in therapy by the end of the week. 
Thanks so much for replying,, I really need the help getting and staying clear right now.


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## XtineB (Nov 28, 2010)

and having an affair of any sort isn't an option. Before I got sober, we tried everything to compensate; open marriage, swinging, affairs,, I can answer yes to every question on the SLA website ;-) The truth is, no one else has ever satisfied me,, he's the only man I want,, and I will accept whatever intimacy he can offer- within reason. We are officially NOT within reason but I will never cheat on him again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Youtube,

Of course you had an affair! That would be the logical result of denying one's spouse sex for 5 years. If I quit feeding my dogs, they'd eventually go elsewhere for food. I'm amazed you lasted 5 years.


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## XtineB (Nov 28, 2010)

I was so much clearer this morning that we were finally able to have a quiet, meaningful discussion about this. Not only did he not have a single drink today, but he was extremely receptive to whatever else we decide needs to happen; therapy, AA etc. We even talked about,,, (gasp!) G.O.D. Tomorrow morning we meet with the surgeon. If he can't offer up a surgical solution, then he'll refer Tom to a psychotherapist who specializes in treating athletes who can no longer perform. He knows this is just life, and he has to find his way thru it. He was calm and sincere with no defensive posturing. I feel infinitely better. I have a tendency to want to flee the second things get intense, but that's a conversation for another thread.


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