# Married since an year, husband never made love, not even once.



## Kumb_CA (May 25, 2011)

We are approaching our first marriage anniversary in a week, but have never made love, not even once.
I am 25 years old and this is my second marriage.
My husband was never married before, I am his first spouse.
My first marriage was awful, my ex was sexually/physically harassing me, which made me loose interest in sex.
I am not too much aggressive or desperate towards sex, but feel that sex is also important in a marriage relationship.
I have never expressed my hatred towards sex from my past experience to my husband, because I really love my husband and want to make love with him.

Me and my husband got married about an year ago.
He is aware of my divorce, but he never talks about that.

I am from India, and according to our tradition, sex should happen only after marriage.
Usually it would happen or start on the night of the wedding day.
But on our first night (night of the marriage day), my husband did not try or initiate to make love.
I was surprised, but thought he would be tired because of the wedding ceremonies.
But days passed on, we went to honeymoon, still he did not try or initiate to make love.
He uses my hand (like masturbation) for erection and ejaculation.
After 4 months, I asked him, "why have we not yet made love, is there any specific reason?"
He replied saying that he feels "nervous".
Then after few days, he tried to make love but he was not getting erection during intercourse.
However, he gets erection while masturbating.
Even if he masturbates, the erection would last for less than a minute.

We consulted a doctor, he gave some medicine for erectile dysfunction.
He advised my husband to take the medicine, 2 hours before the intercourse.
He did take the medicine, but it did not work, it worked for masturbation, but it did not work for intercourse.
After couple of months, we visited doctor again, doctor prescribed some stronger medicine this time, but this also did not work.

I have a gut feeling that, just because I am already married, my husband is not feeling like making love with me.

My husband did not show great interest in planning our wedding ceremonies, shopping etc, saying he is just LAZY to do things.
But he says he loves me and he kisses me every day.
He is not so expressive, so it is getting difficult for me to understand what is there in his mind.

Please suggest me some ideas to workout things between me and my husband.
Is his problem, medical or psychological?
If it is medical, then how can we cure it?
If it is psychological, what would be the reason for nervousness? Just because I am already married? What should we do in that case?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I am not sure what is going on. He obviously has some issues and if he is not willing to talk to you about them, maybe he should see a psychologist to talk about it. It may have nothing to do with you being divorced, in fact, I think that is probably NOT the reason. 

If he is truly just nervous, a sex therapist could help you both work through the problem. They usually have you work up to sex slowly by doing more and more intimate things together until you finally get to the point of having sex.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hello Kumb,
Thanks for posting! You mention that this is a first marriage for your husband, and a second for you. Was (is) your husband a virgin still? It seems possible that he could be having some performance anxiety issues, especially if he is a virgin or very inexperienced, he could be intimidated with you having had prior experience. I agree with Laurae that if he is unwilling to talk with you about this, he should consider talking with someone else about it (like a counselor) to work through his issues.

I wish you luck!


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Why dont you initiate? Get on top of him and show him how its done..try it..


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## joshuagarcia (May 25, 2011)

See Ive had this issue with my wife...I would love to make love to her with the candle lights, rose pedals on the bed etc. i've done it before and the thing is my wife is a music fanatic that listens to this certain type of r and b that completely kills my mood and i really cant stand the music she listens too because its that type of r and b music thats like more of a Pimp&Hoe type music rather than just normal smooth r and b. And she always wants me to make love with the candles, rose pedals and her music, but like i've tried to explain to her...Her music irritates me and it kills my whole entire mood...SO we just dont make love to each other, I've made love to her without the music but its not her thing, she wont compromise for any other type of music so we just stop it and just have sex...She is kinda like in ur position where i dont make love to her and she knows y tho and doesnt feel the need to compromise because its not her way...she asks me to make love to her often and I say yea i will but i dont because i want to avoid the whole argument about the music issue even tho ive tried it with the music and it just doesnt work, If she would agree to the keep the music off, I'm All GAME For IT!...Find out if theres something he just wont tell you, maybe he doesnt know how to express his feelings in that way and is too scared to tell u because he doesnt want u to think he doesnt love you...there could be a million reasons y and if its something he is avoiding to tell you then he confront himself or you about it...hope this helped!


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## Kumb_CA (May 25, 2011)

Thanks all for your replies!
As Enchantment guessed, he is a virgin...

I am reluctant to initiate, I am not knowing how to initiate, my body does not cooperate 
I feel that only my mind/heart wants to make love, but my body resists, because of my past bitter experience..

@joshuagarcia:
There are no such factors in our case..

As you all suggested, We will consulte a counselor as well as a sex therapist....


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

One thing: it is not a medical problem. You know this because he can get and maintain an erection for masturbation. This is psychological. I have to be curious if you actually want to fix this? You said your mind says you should but your body doesn't really care. Are you trying to live up to expectations of society? Or do you really want it? I personally wouldn't be happy with him wanting me to get him off by hand and nothing else. I didn't hear anything about him reciprocating or you wanting that... 

I agree with counseling both to help you decide what really works for you both, then how to go about it.


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## Kumb_CA (May 25, 2011)

I believe that sex is also an important part of marriage..
I really want to fix this..
I am not looking sex as a desire, but as a fulfillment of a marriage.. 
I think we both are having starting trouble..
We both need a counselling for that matter..

Another concern is, even if he masturbates, the erection last only for 30 seconds.. is that normal?


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

joshuagarcia said:


> See Ive had this issue with my wife...I would love to make love to her with the candle lights, rose pedals on the bed etc. i've done it before and the thing is my wife is a music fanatic that listens to this certain type of r and b that completely kills my mood and i really cant stand the music she listens too because its that type of r and b music thats like more of a Pimp&Hoe type music rather than just normal smooth r and b. And she always wants me to make love with the candles, rose pedals and her music, but like i've tried to explain to her...Her music irritates me and it kills my whole entire mood...SO we just dont make love to each other, I've made love to her without the music but its not her thing, she wont compromise for any other type of music so we just stop it and just have sex...She is kinda like in ur position where i dont make love to her and she knows y tho and doesnt feel the need to compromise because its not her way...she asks me to make love to her often and I say yea i will but i dont because i want to avoid the whole argument about the music issue even tho ive tried it with the music and it just doesnt work, If she would agree to the keep the music off, I'm All GAME For IT!...Find out if theres something he just wont tell you, maybe he doesnt know how to express his feelings in that way and is too scared to tell u because he doesnt want u to think he doesnt love you...there could be a million reasons y and if its something he is avoiding to tell you then he confront himself or you about it...hope this helped!


I feel your wife's pain. I would love to be able to get down with some phish or grateful dead, but I don't think my DW would be able to deal with it.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

joshua's response is not typical. I believe the majority of 28 year olds would have sex with a person they truly desired, even if she like listening to loud trains while having sex. Never, EVER would what she likes to listen to, would be a problem for me. I might not like what she likes to listen to, but after about a week of no sex I would get over it real fast, if that were the only thing bothering me. To me it sounds like your H has some serious issues, and I would warn as have others that it is only going to be worse (although a year without sex, dont know how that is possible) no one is "tired" for a year. If a sexless marriage is something you can live with, go for it. If not, I would seriously think about getting out. Heck I think you could seek an annualment based on your situation... Good luck to you.


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