# What is going on?



## pqr (Jul 24, 2012)

My wife has been saying she wants to end the marriage for the past six months or so. She won't talk to me about the marriage. She refuses to go to marriage counseling. She has trouble keeping jobs, and she isn't working now. We have one young child. She refused to talk to her sister about the marriage. She gets much more uptight when I try to talk to her than she used to. She throws things at me sometimes. I tell her I care about her and I don't want our child to end up with a broken family. She just tells me she doesn't want me anymore. She seems depressed, but when I suggest that to her she tells me she is fine. She sits around a lot and doesn't seem up to very much. I think a divorce would be a disaster, especially if she got custody. There is no evidence that she would be able to keep a job in that situation.

Is this normal for someone wanting to end a marriage? She seems out of touch with reality.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

There could be any number of things causing her to behave in such a way.
Depression/mental illness 
Drugs
Stress
An Affair
How long has she been acting this way? When was the child born? Has something traumatic happened lately? Has a loved one passed away. What events, if any, has happened around her that con inside with this change in behavior? 
The list is pretty long.
May be a little more information would help others help you.


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## pqr (Jul 24, 2012)

Things took a turn for the worse around the beginning of the year. Up until a few years ago it seemed like no matter how bad things got we would always find a way to make up. That isn't happening now.

The child is in elementary school.

I had a big anxiety problem a few years ago, which was stressful for her, but I am taking medication for it now and I feel like I am much better. We have had serious disagreements about things as well. She has plenty of reasons to be unhappy with the marriage, but I am willing to move beyond our past troubles and she isn't. The thing is, a divorce isn't feasible, in large part because of her inability to keep a job.

Her mother died right before my anxiety problem started (only coincidentally). Her father passed away earlier.

Mental illness is a possibility, given her family history. I don't think drugs are involved.

If she had an affair, that could help explain why she refuses to talk to her sister or go to counseling with me.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I think you are in a tough spot. I wish I was better equipped to help you with this issue. 
I think you should move your post over to general relationship or another area that might better serve you with a wide variety of perspectives and knowledge.
Sorry I am not much help.


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

I am in your boat too. My W has been much the same as yours. Quiet, happy to just sit and watch telly, not interested in doing anything or talking, wouldnt contemplate getting a job. We have had a tough few years, I found out 2 years ago at the age of 23 that my dad wasn't my biological father, that has affected me much more than I had realised. I have been working way too much (60/70 hours per week) and then my FIL died suddenly in January. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and W has decided she wants out and won't even begin to think we could require some help. She thinks that's it, end of. And believes it is absolutely normal. I can't get through to her and it's breaking my heart. I'm at a complete and utter loss as to what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Yes, she seems very out of touch with reality. I have a depressed W, so I can relate to some of this. You can't force her to get the professional help that she seems to need. Seems odd that she would want to end the marriage when she has no job, and doesn't seem to be capable of getting/keeping a job. Maybe she has a little fantasy in her brain involving a knight in shining armor (that would be the OM) who will magically make all her troubles go away.

I would...
-Continue to act normal around her.
-Stop pushing so much on marriage issues. She has made it clear that she will not have those conversations.
-Schedule MC, and tell her. If she refuses to go, go by yourself. You are probably shellshocked over this, and could benefit from it.
-Do a little snooping to rule out an affair.
-Go see a lawyer today to protect you and your child.


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## pqr (Jul 24, 2012)

Turkish: Do you and your wife have children? That makes things more difficult. In that situation, one should not be ending the marriage without a good reason. (And saying that you don't like your spouse anymore is not a good enough reason.) Additionally, it makes things seem unfair if your wife is going to be asking for a lot of money upon ending the marriage. I don't really mind so much that my wife doesn't work, provided that she appreciates my financial contribution to the marriage (which doesn't always seem to be the case). If my wife had a good job I suppose I would be paying more attention to the emotional implications of ending the marriage, but since she doesn't, the main issue is that a divorce just doesn't make sense.

thunderstruck: Thanks for the advice. My wife doesn't like having to rely financially on someone else, so the "knight in shining armor" explanation doesn't fit. The "magic" she is counting on is that her ability to keep a job will improve after we end the marriage. What could a lawyer do for me right now, given that I don't want to end the marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

pqr said:


> My wife doesn't like having to rely financially on someone else, so the "knight in shining armor" explanation doesn't fit. The "magic" she is counting on is that her ability to keep a job will improve after we end the marriage.


She's relying on you financially right now though isn't she?? I mean, she doesn't want to get a job, so how could she NOT be?

I also think you should rule out an affair somehow. And somehow get her to a therapist - MC maybe to start with? To see about depression.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

pqr said:


> I tell her I care about her and I don't want our child to end up with a broken family.


If you do nothing else, stop trying to play the "guilt about the child growing up in the broken home" card.


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## pqr (Jul 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> She's relying on you financially right now though isn't she?? I mean, she doesn't want to get a job, so how could she NOT be?


She does want to work.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I say push for her to get a job. First of it would probably help her depression to get out of the house and secondly it will make life easier on you should she follow through on her threats of divorce.

Oh and stop trying to fix her. It won't work. She has to want to do it herself.


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