# Trying to help my children



## teachgrl

My ex has stage 4 lymphoma and is going through some brutal chemo right now. The good news is that he wants to be in their lives again, which is fabulous, but the down side is that it is obviously very hard for them to see him like that. They are each handling it very differently. My daughter has decided to raise money for research and is doing quite well at it (she is ten), my thirteen year old son is withdrawing from emotionally connecting, and my sixteen year old is angry. I am full of all different emotions and I hope I am helping not hurting them
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## Anon Pink

You are helping! You are giving them the opportunity to cope in whatever way they need to currently. You kids seem to be coping in the usual way. Some get fully on board with giving care, some want to ignore the entire thing and avoid the parent at all costs, and others are angry for what is happening to them. All 3 of your kids are coping exactly as my nephews did when my brother was dying. It's all normal. 

What worried us at the time was not the angry one, but the avoidant one. He missed out on a lot of time he could have spent with his father and he now regrets missing that time. But don't we all have regrets? Isn't regretting a huge learning tool? We can't always force life lessons on people, for instance learning to avoid regretting by not avoiding. But you could explain and help him if he is ready. "I know avoiding what is happening to your Dad feels easiest right now. But after he's gone it will be too late for do overs. Try to spend some time with him now. Tell him what makes you angry or upset. We often regret what we fail to say more frequently then we regret what we actually said."


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## teachgrl

Thank you, I appreciate that.
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## Anon Pink

You're welcome. Take care and take breaks!


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## althea0212

Your children are experiencing mixed emotions. They love their father but it hurts that he is not well. We don't know what are in the minds of your children. Some of them may be thinking that he may die eventually and leave all of you. So at this point they may want to detach from him so when he is gone they won't miss him badly. We cope in unique ways that others may not understand. Talk to your kids with your ex so they can understand what you are going through.


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