# Help me quiet my screaming gut



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

I have been coming here & reading threads for a while now & have finally decided that I need to reach out for help. My story is too long to go into large details but here is the just of my angst. 

I need advice on how to recover deleted text messages from an android smart phone on Verizon...

My gut has been screaming at me that something is going on, something wrong, something devestating. But I keep telling myself lame excuses so that I can cope but I am quite convinced I cannot take another weekend of it. 

There is a neighbor couple who my H & I spend time with, movies, vacations, ect. I tend to be a shy person, I have been hurt by ppl i found to be close friends in the past so I am very guarded & it takes a while for me to let ppl in close to me. After a few yrs, I became friends w/ the W however it always felt like I was accepted as a tag along to my H; that they wanted to be his friend & maintained enough of an appearance of a friendship with me. 

I take care of the bills & found that she & my H were texting, in the past, it was just occasionally on the weekends, usually because the OH does not text, rarely has his phone. However over the past year & a hlf, it has become increasingly more. A LOT MORE. I have asked my H about it, have been called crazy several times. I have sat as we were in the same room together, all of us watching movies & watched them try to be sly & text each other wondering what they need to be so prvt about. He gets very upset at the fact that I check his usage history so I haven't asked him about it for quite a while but it is eating me up inside. I have been on anti-depressants since October of last yr because I had a huge anxiety attack (one of many of over the past yr, however this one was huge). It was triggered I think over one of their secret text while in the same room episodes.
Anyhow, here we are today. I just checked the text history & see that he has been texting her all week. Every afternoon, for hours. Starting right after I go back to work from lunch. I want to scream at her & rip her eyes out, I want to know just what she thinks it means to be someone's friend. I don't want to go home, don't want to see him. 

I don't want to know what they are texting each other BUT I NEED TO KNOW... 
Does anyone have any advice on how to retrieve the deleted texts? He guards his phone closely so it will be difficult to get to...
I need to know if my gut is right or if I am truely crazy. i am tired of being guarded w/ my emotions, I want to feel happiness again & am afraid I wont be able to until I know what is really going on.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think I'd focus more on getting myself into an emotionally healthy space than spending time trying to put a finger on or quantify or explain disturbing behavior. It doesn't really matter what they are texting about. Just the fact that they are texting is an issue. Would you really feel better if they were texting their abc's all day? Then it would just be that they are doing it to get a rise out of you. Or something like that, or because they can. 

I'd just distance myself from these people. Yep, trust opens up to hurt. Sorry it happened again.

You can't control your H's behavior or hers. You can only control what you decide to do. For me, I think I would be tempted to know what it was about, but I'd be more apt to get myself into some other space where it didn't matter. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

Happiness is fleeting. Usually a state of mind that is an illusion. Contentment that comes from the confidence of taking care of yourself fully and knowing your own truth is more easily gained. Putting too much faith in others is always a pot shot. Nobody is perfect, nobody has all the answers, in the end the only person you can absolutely count on to look out for your own best interests is yourself. :-( Not to say you can't love someone, but I think I would have trouble loving someone who wasn't taking my emotional health into account.

Hoping your H comes to his senses, or the OW does too, and this will just be a little bump in your marriage.


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Happiness is fleeting. QUOTE]
> 
> How true this is...
> I guess what it amounts to is that I do want to know if he is just trying to get a rise out of me or if it is an actual EA. In fights we have had in the past (we have been together since high school -1988-w/ one break up that lasted almost 2yrs) he has said some pretty mean things meant to hurt me to my core that he has appologized for however, w/ my trust issues I always hear them echoing in the back of my mind
> ...


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

They are in an emotional affair, and they're not even trying to hide it. This behavior is absolutely appalling.

I strongly, strongly recommend that you get yourself a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She will explain to you what you basically already know; that they have a secret private friendship; that they probably complain about their spouses to each other, and that this has created a bond between them. They are sharing a whole side of themselves with each other and you have no part of that. Your husband has probably stopped confiding in you on many levels, he's changing right before your eyes but you are not included in his thoughts or feelings now.

The big question, I suppose, is whether they've exchanged I Love You's, and whether they've taken this physical. Let's assume that neither of those things have happened yet. They are still on a freight train--or maybe the better analogy is a hot air balloon--and the tethers have already broken free from the ground. Your job now is to try and jump into the air and grab those tethers and pull them down before he floats away.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

At the very least this is an "emotional affair." (EA). This will damage your marriage if it continues. There is also a big chance it goes physical, if it hasn't already. You need to be strong and firm and confident that this is unacceptable in a marriage. But first you need to quietly gather more evidence so you know the extent of the texts. Whether it's harmless fun or there are "I love you's" or "sex was fun last night." Even if it's only harmless fun texts, it's still not harmless. It's taking time and attention away from your marriage and eroding boundaries, which ultimately can lead to a physical affair.

If he's using an iphone, you should be able to retrieve deleted texts.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

She has an android. If someone could PM Keko and/or AR they might be able to help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Stick a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) under his car seat using heavy-duty velcro. Chances are they're also talking on the phone to each other.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> *She has an android*. If someone could PM Keko and/or AR they might be able to help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not just that, but it's from Verizon... no sim cards, so sim card readers are out. So...might be a bit more difficult.


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> This behavior is absolutely appalling.QUOTE]
> 
> Yes, appalling & sickening. The anitdepressants have helped with this-the problem is that between them (the pills) & my ever so efficient emotional "walling" mechanism I am completely emotionally empty (thus the user name). I am tired of it. That's why I am at the point where I want to know just what the conversations are. proof so I can lay down a d-day or so that I can release myself from this wondering & try to move on & have a healthy relationship.


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

And from the research I have done, I am up against a wall in getting the "proof"- andriod & Verizon, not going to be easy. 

Also- I do go over the cell phone records, so no phone calls only the texts.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I second the motion to get Not Just Friends. 

If you think it would help for you to know exactly what they're saying to each other, then pursue that avenue. It might make you stronger when you confront your husband. Right now if you confront him, you have no ammo and he can deny and gaslight to his hearts content. If you think you can not let that happen even though you've been lying to yourself about it for a while, then you don't need to know. I think you do need to know, so that when you confront you have incontrovertible proof.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You could get him really drunk so he passes out and then look at his phone...........................


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

Hope-I have thought of that  I have checked his phone when he has been asleep, but he is a delete'r.. There are never any of their conversations there.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Stick a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) under his car seat using heavy-duty velcro. Chances are they're also talking on the phone to each other.


MT, this might be your best option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

M.T.Gurl, you have a PM


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

M.T.Gurl said:


> Also- I do go over the cell phone records, so no phone calls only the texts.


Shoot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Are any of the texts in the form of multimeda...aka pics?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

M.T.Gurl said:


> Hope-I have thought of that  I have checked his phone when he has been asleep, but he is a delete'r.. There are never any of their conversations there.


If he was really drunk maybe he'd forget to delete. Just sayin.

Does he password protect his phone? Is there any way for you to get at it while he's asleep and put something on it that would keylog somehow? Are there keyloggers for cell phones?


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> If he was really drunk maybe he'd forget to delete. Just sayin.
> 
> Does he password protect his phone? Is there any way for you to get at it while he's asleep and put something on it that would keylog somehow? *Are there keyloggers for cell phones?*


Why, yes... yes there are. I had 16 results from Android market when I looked after reading this.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Have you told OW's H about the texting? If not, you need to. Just tell him you're concerned about all the texting they've been doing and ask if he's noticed.

Outing her to her H might help you nip this in the bud.


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

I have looked into the different "spy" programs out there however I have read that it can slow the phone down & also I worry about detection.. he is not exactly tech savy but he has a very good friend who is & I know he would go to him if he was having troubles w/ the operation of his phone. Plus they send out the "copies" of the texts using data, and he would notice the change in his data usage. 
No password protection now, thats why I want to be careful about how I try to get "proof" I don't want to be detected before I get a chance to see whats really going on


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well if he does find out about it, hopefully it would be once you had your evidence, if he's texting that much, and then if he confronts you about it you could do the same thing he is doing to you, and tell him he's a paranoid freak.

Also, he may not want to confront you about it, he'd be more likely to just quietly remove it wouldn't he? If he's as guilty as we think he is?


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Don't tell the OWs husband YET if you are trying to gather proof. I would still get the VAR for the car...he could have a burner phone to talk on...they are so easy to get. His behavior is wrong and not healthy for any reason he can come up with. Get your evidence then confront, tell her husband and it has to totally stop b4 ur marriage has a real chance. Good luck and sorry you are here!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

Sunshine, I agree. The raging fireball of my subconscious also agrees.... and wants to print any evidence she finds & mail to to anyone who would have an interest in seeing...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

M.T.Gurl said:


> Sunshine, I agree. The raging fireball of my subconscious also agrees.... and wants to print any evidence she finds & mail to to anyone who would have an interest in seeing...


I found a picture of my husbands erect penis in his sent emails that I seriously considered sending to every single person in his work email address book. Thankfully reason overcame the urge. I settled for printing off some copies and burning it and throwing darts at it and ripping it into tiny pieces.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I found a picture of my husbands erect penis in his sent emails that I seriously considered sending to every single person in his work email address book. .


You should post it in the post your old pictures thread


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I've been turning your problem over in my mind.

I have also looked at my husband's cell phone records, but I didn't look at them until after DD#2, which was basically 3 days before the affair ended with an official request of NC.

Here's the thing. You already HAVE the evidence. Texting a married woman for "hours" and "every afternoon" is a betrayal of the marriage no matter what they are saying to each other. Let's pretend they're playing interactive scrabble. How is this not wrong enough to request marriage counseling? It is clearly a compulsion that is interfering with his marriage and is causing you pain. You've been perfectly clear that you don't like it. His continuing to do it is a disrespectful insult.

This has been going on for over 1.5 years, and only increasing.

I think you have more than enough for exposure and D. I never saw copies of texts. But when I saw that they were communicating for 20 minutes on Christmas day, first thing in the morning and last thing at night many times, spending their longest conversations when he was out of town on business (she was here in our town), I knew I had all I needed to prove to a third party that they were in an affair. They pretty much only texted each other.

What I'd do for exposure is just print out the phone bills and highlight the texting proof. Verizon has helpful pie charts that show who is texted the most. One glance and anyone can see it is outrageous by any standard. That is all you need.

Can I ask you some questions--

--why have you waited so very long?
--why do you want more proof--are you afraid of gaslighting? are you afraid no one will believe you?


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> . I What are you afraid of gaslighting? are you afraid no one will believe you?


Speaking from personal experience, sometimes our gut tells us one thing and then our lying spouse tells us another, and so finally seeing it in black and white....reading the words/texts/emails/or VAR helps push us over to the SEEN THE LIGHT side. Plus you have evidence if you need it in D negotiations. I had tons of suspisions, he had tons of excuses....the minute I read his texts, there was no denying. I needed to see. 


_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

They have so many texts you don't need any other proof to tell her husband about it. Its easier to watch from both ends with the help of her husband.

If you want the texts go to a divorvce lawyer. They can subpoena the texts from Verizon.

Are you considering divorce? Is he affectionate with you? Has your sex life changed in the last two years?

Get the book then show your husband but you have to make up your mind what you want.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MTG---1st--do you get the phone bills---the amt of texts, and time spent texting--is it on the bill---if so---even if you don't have the actual texts, you can nail him on inapropriate texting----no matter what, the phone co. should be able to give you the info, about time spent, and phone #'s, which is all you really need.

2nd when you do go after him---you cannot be afraid---you need to get right up in his face, and most importantly---there must be actionable consequences---If there is no action on your part, and just words from you---NOTHING WILL CHANGE. You cannot be scared to do this---you must be icy calm, collected, and cool---you do NOT let him back you down---he does not get to argue, discuss, manipulate or anything else

Even if you don't have the actual texts---you come at him, as to the texting itself, and prove it with the phone bills----

A normal situation, among friends would be a few calls, or texts, about necessary things, or how are things going and that is it----if he is texting all the time---THAT IS NOT WHAT A MARRIED H---DOES---end of discussion----if he doesn't like that, tell him to look up the definition of mge., and tell him when you took vows---you NEVER AGREED TO HIM BRINGING IN A 3RD PARTY INTO YOUR MGE.

He of course will deny---do not allow it---keep going after him, that what he is doing is inappropriate, and it is a violation of your mge------he will blameshift---do not let him, just keep going after him, on the texting, at all hours, and that it is way out of bounds, and beyond normal---even for casual friends, which is what he will tell you, they are.

But the bottom line is---you must threaten him with consequences, if he refuses to stop----best line, probably is, if you wanna be with her, fine---then you can prepare to defend a D. action----you gotta put it on him, to make him stop.

Then one of his boundaries along with NC, e-mail being sent, and him stopping seeing her, in the neighborhood, is he is completely open to you--all electronics are available to you 24/7, ---and if you see that anything has been deleted---you will file for D., against him-----you just go after him, and lay it on him---and do not back down---what you do is make him respect you, right now---he has no respect for you.

Last thing I will bother you with is---forget the other woman---your beef is with your H., and solely, your H---he is the only other person in your mge, and it is he who you took vows with---and if he were not doing the texting, we wouldn't even be here would we????????


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

M.T.Gurl said:


> I have looked into the different "spy" programs out there however I have read that it can slow the phone down & also I worry about detection.. he is not exactly tech savy but he has a very good friend who is & I know he would go to him if he was having troubles w/ the operation of his phone. Plus they send out the "copies" of the texts using data, and he would notice the change in his data usage.
> No password protection now, thats why I want to be careful about how I try to get "proof" I don't want to be detected before I get a chance to see whats really going on


I would go the voice recorder in the car or whereever he's likely to take calls when you're not there as the first option. Let it play out a couple weeks. If they are involved, they are not NOT talking to each other. And he is likely to have a very close friend he may be talking about her too. If he's cheating, they're "in love" or in "la, la land", whatever. People like that can't keep their mouths shut. He will talk to her, or someone else about it to some degree. 

If that doesn't work for you, put the spyware on the phone on the first day of the new billing cycle. That will give you a good month of unsensored data before he finds out. If there is nothing inappropriate in that month, then you're quite possibly wrong, and you'll have to possibly own up to it. But, that doesn't make him any less of a tool for carrying on like this at your expense. Any man knows better. He's wrong. If he can admit that, then no harm, no foul. If he can't, well, do you really want that kind of guy?

I caught my wife in a lie once. A pretty big one when we were first seeing each other. I found out quite by accident. And I was floored. I then tricked her into getting into her email on my computer, and was able to later get into her email. It solved the question of what happened before, but not what I thought was happening at that time. I confronted her. Her explanation was 100 percent truthful, and the questions I had (with good reason) about what their present status was, was nothing more than a completely random coincidence. Mind boggling actually. At any rate, her reaction to the email hacking? She completely understood and never gave me an ounce of crap about it. Because she knew she was wrong to lie. Therein lies the difference between someone who knows they've done wrong and deserved the lack of trust and violation of privacy, and someone who cannot see how their actions affect others and are far too much into themselves to be a suitable life partner for someone else who values trust and confidence so much. That's me. Trust, confidence, and integrity in my parter are paramount. A lot can be forgiven or overlooked...lies, deceit, and lack of integrity cannot and never will be forgiven by me. I'd sooner (much sooner) forgive a drunken one night stand than forgive a pattern of lying and deceit (that's IF she came clean with it when confronted. If she didn't, then we are in the deceit, lying, lack of integrity category and she's gone).


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thinking of you again MT. I think you should go ahead and install the android software. You will probably get all you need in one afternoon. Install on a Saturday and you're done. Most people would need a week or more but their volume is so high you won't be able to read a week's worth!

But I still maintain the cell records are all you need. Did you set up the Verizon online acct? That's where the usage graphs can be found, plus the time/date/locale of one month's worth of texts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

Ok, Here to answer a few questions...
#1, why have I waited so long? To be honest, life has been a bit crazy lately. Deaths in my family, my mom & step dad separated & divorced, trouble with both sons- different things at different times, work responisibilities. Because I had so much stress in other facets of my life, I had to choose which to focus on & the text thing, however upsetting it was, took a back seat. (I have a "server" type personality.. I want to do all I can to help everyone else & put little prioity on what I need to do for myself. I AM now working on changing that) Also this past winter we had been talking seriously about moving. Plus the time I confronted him about it, he did a very efficiant job of making me feel insane. And after all of my panic attacts & the blow out that ultimately got me into to dr office & on the zoloft kinda made me think maybe I WAS crazy. 
#2 changes in affection or sex life? Not too much. he has never been super affectionate & sex has not slowed down. The antidepressants have affected my drive a little. 
#3, Online billing? yes, we do have online billing & that is where I can see the history of texts sent, received & the numbers to/from

I want the proof of what is being texted so that there will be no arguements. I also want it so that when I do show to OW H there can be no dismissing, no excuses. Also so that I can know that I am not crazy. And if it is just friendly chatter then I know that my insecurities have gone too far & I need to work on myself more than I already am. 

I plan on going to the library at lunch today to look for the book (Not "just friends") and if they don't have it, I will get a copy thru my kindle app & start reading tonight.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Just freaken unreal. Cheaters follow the same patterns. Texts galore and won't share them with us. They go into hiding. Then they say you don't trust me, you are accusing me of what "cheating"? Then we say, show me the text. They say, no or it is nothing, or I deleted them, or we were just talking about the grass and dandelions. But we never ever get to see the texts. Then when we push them they get a secret phone.

Then if we push them more without evidence they stonewall, lie, dance, and whatever else they do.

Then we go into spy mode. VAR, GPS, phone logs, etc.

Then we get the evidence and we get more lies, but at least they are busted and we got the proof.

Then we become a mess. A real mess.

It all just sucks.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> It all just sucks.


It sure does.


----------



## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

It does suck - totally - but those of us who are here (TAM) are getting smarter every day by sharing information. In the scope of things, we're small in numbers - but slowly and surely, we can change the world ... or at least our small part of it, for the better.


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

Wow. I knew when I started coming here that the advice could be tough, but had no idea until it was directed at me. I'm glad that I finally took the first step to post, it's made me have to think about myself for once. 

jnj-thank you. icy cold & calm isn't my norm. I will have to pull from deep within once I do confront. Forgetting about the OW has been difficult as I have always had such a hard time allowing ppl thru my "wall" to be a friend. I let her in & now look where I am. I have been following the 180 for a few months- doing things I like & allowing more "friendships" to start. It has helped. I have an acquaintance who I found out was a councelor & she has been talking w/ me & helping me w/ other stuff which helps to. I will not talk to her about my marriage tho... she knows us both & I don't want to go there. 

iheartlife- I am looking into spyware today. I do believe that it will take only a few days to get answers. 

chapparal-I have thought about "recommending" that the OW h monitor her texting, however he is quite frankly a tool & would only make things worse/go underground. Do I want a divorce? once again this I need to look within myself. 

thorburn- it does suck. it sucks big time. It sucks to be sitting here trying to figure out how to "act normal" so that I don't set off any alarms so that I can figure out how to spy on someone who I should be able to share everything with. It sucks to hear him say that I am his best friend & marrying me was the best thing he has done in his life & KNOW that he is doing something that hurts so bad. It sucks to have to be friendly with a W who put me in this position, doubting my husband & doubting myself for allowing her to be my friend. And it sucks to be in limbo, to feel like I am crazy one minute- that things are fine & then feel like an idiot the next because I can tell he is texting her.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Let us know when you have an update. You waited this long to confront, don't blow it all now by losing it emotionally. Vent here as much as you need to.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

bumping for an update--


----------



## M.T.Gurl (May 11, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> bumping for an update--


Ok so here is the update....

Still in limbo land. I have been reading "not Just Friends" & have purchase spyware but have yet to install it as he has been having problems with his phone & has been in & out of the verizon store trying to get help. 

H invited my so called "friend & her h" to the house over the weekend, didn't want to look at her so had to have some liquid courage (thank goodness for beer!) to tollerate & be friendly. Had a little too much & started crying while having sex later that night. was able to explain it as being pre-menstral & had to tell myself to watch it from now on or I was going to give myself away. 

Am looking for a lawyer to go have a consult with just to see where I stand & what my options are. 

I am having a really hard time hearing some of the things he says to me & wondering the whole time what he may be texting to her. Luckily there has been enough other stresses at home that I have been able to put this to the back of my mind for a bit. I am hoping that he gets things squared away with his cell so that I can get the spyware installed this weekend & can go from there. 

If things are bad, I intend to purchase a copy of "Not Just Friends", highlight some entries & mail it anonymously to her along with a card the reads "if a relationship has to be kept secret is it really worth having?" I may do it even if things are not bad.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you're in a state of limbo until you can take further steps.

You would be better off contacting her husband and telling him (once you have the evidence you expect to get) that it's your husband who is 'not just a friend.' Contacting the OW is generally a terrible idea. If she is doing what you think she's doing, she's just as smug as all get out, laughs at you behind your back, and would only find such an outreach highly amusing. She thinks she knows your husband better than you do. Nothing you can say or do will take her down from that pedestal except rejection from your husband or her own H yanking her back into their marriage.


----------

