# Husband not into BJs...



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Hey everyone,

So, we've been together a long time. We can pretty much play each other like a fiddle at this point - he knows what I like, and vice versa. However, one thing that he doesn't care for, and has never cared for, is me going down on him.

And this makes me sad. We were both virgins when we met (in our teens) and we learned everything with each other. We've tried BJs on a number of occasions over the years, but he never asked for them and never had all that much of a reaction to them when I did them. Finally, about two years ago, he admitted that he doesn't really care for them. He says he doesn't DISLIKE them... he actually finds them kind of "boring." He says that I have skilled hands and he would much prefer manual over oral stimulation.

The thing is... I like having him in my mouth  It's so intimate and empowering, all at the same time. But now I feel guilty if I go down on him because I feel like I am being selfish, and subsequently boring him for my own enjoyment.

So here are my questions:

Am I being selfish for still wanting to give BJs?
Should I just let it go, or should I see if there is some way that I can improve my technique so he can enjoy it more?

I know that if it was something that he didn't like or that made him uncomfortable, I would totally never push him into it. But here, he seems rather indifferent. It also bothers me, and I recognize that this is on ME.... It makes me feel like a failure. Since I am his only sexual partner, I feel like I must be bad at it, and THAT's why he doesn't like it. I have actually talked technique with a guy friend of mine, to see if I am doing something poorly, but he said my technique sounded like a darn good time (I don't forget about the jewels, and spend plenty of time paying attention to the perineum and even a little anal play). So I really have no clue.

Have you ever heard of a guy who doesn't like BJs?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you thought about having him committed?
I guess if he doesn't like it then he doesnt like it.
I understand how you you feel though. I love to do oral, but my wife won't let me.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Have you ever heard of a guy who doesn't like BJs?


Umm.... no. Not until now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do not feel bad. It's not you. Some guys just don't like BJs, just like some women don't like oral from their husbands. Sometimes we just have to do without. That's part of the give and take of marriage. If he likes handjobs then go out and buy ten different brands of oils and coco butter and give him what he wants. If you would like him to finish in your mouth then see if he will compromise and let you take him in your mouth when he climaxes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Philat said:


> Umm.... no. Not until now.


I've heard it several times from male posters during my time here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> So, we've been together a long time. We can pretty much play each other like a fiddle at this point - he knows what I like, and vice versa. However, one thing that he doesn't care for, and has never cared for, is me going down on him.
> 
> ...



That's a new one. A hubby who doesn't like BJ's.....:scratchhead:

For myself, when my wifee gave me my first few BJ's, she was using her teeth without realizing it and also biting and I was raw and almost bleeding after each BJ, so I didn't like them but I never complained to her. Over the years, to present day, she now uses her tongue very well and gives excellent BJ's with no teeth or biting. That would be my only reason not to want BJ's, otherwise, her tongue, saliva and sounds she makes, I love it all and I let her have total control so she is comfortable and she loves that.:smthumbup:

I love it when she is on her knees, looking up at me, taking as much as she can in her mouth. Very hot.

You can do a google search and find out the best techniques for giving excellent oral sex.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I have skilled hands and he would much prefer manual over oral stimulation.
> 
> The thing is... I like having him in my mouth


I feel for you! I would be disappointed if my husband didn't like my mouth on him. Sometimes I just gotta have it in my mouth and go to town on it :lol: Its part of most of our foreplay and I like giving more than receiving because it makes me very aroused.

I have heard of a few men who do not like receiving blow jobs. In fact a few have admitted it on this very site.

He prefers manual over oral so how about a handjob in the 69 position where you are simultaneously _gently_ licking and sucking around just the head area. Or hand stimulation with an occasional suck and lick? Would that satisfy the pair of you or would he not go for that?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

What if you used hand and mouth or just used it as foreplay?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP: Somewhere Simply Amorous has posted some how-to books on it. I don't think it would hurt to make sure you're using good technique. I've been married almost nine years and my H just got his first BJ last year! I read stuff on line, practiced on a cucumber that was close to the right size. somewhere out there in cyberland there is a very tastefully done video of sexual positions that includes BJ. Every other video was too pornagraphic for me (I HATE porn). 

You are enthusiastic about wanting to give them so that's a BIG plus! I hope it doesn't turn out that your H is just not into it, but if so, try to make the best of it. Maybe he won't mind you just tonguing him a little for foreplay. Or rub it against your face like you just HAVE TO touch it and play with it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> OP: Somewhere Simply Amorous has posted some how-to books on it. I don't think it would hurt to make sure you're using good technique. I've been married almost nine years and my H just got his first BJ last year! I read stuff on line, practiced on a cucumber that was close to the right size. somewhere out there in cyberland there is a very tastefully done video of sexual positions that includes BJ. Every other video was too pornagraphic for me (I HATE porn).
> 
> You are enthusiastic about wanting to give them so that's a BIG plus! I hope it doesn't turn out that your H is just not into it, but if so, try to make the best of it. Maybe he won't mind you just tonguing him a little for foreplay. Or rub it against your face like you just HAVE TO touch it and play with it.


Tickle his Pickle

Blow him Away


sorry I read both from the library but do not remember the author's....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LOL! What hypocrisy! I feel so bad for this guy. 

He's not a retard or a doofus just because he doesn't like BJs. Good grief. 

If this was a husband complaining and going on about how his wife doesn't like cunnilingus, you women would be on top of him, ripping into him like a pack of rabid dingos for being an insensitive prick. 

He doesn't like BJs. So what? Big deal. 

I fvcking hate peanut butter. Any peanut butter lovers out there gonna call me weird or nuts for not liking PB?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You are right....it is just so highly unusual. We are not being fair.


I guess as women, it would be like we don't like romantic things, flowers, music, candles....IDK


Can you really compare peanut butter to a BJ from your loving wife though...:scratchhead:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

over20 said:


> You are right....it is just so highly unusual. We are not being fair.
> 
> 
> I guess as women, it would be like we don't like romantic things, flowers, music, candles....IDK
> ...


I don't have a loving wife. 

I like BJs, but I need some strong vacuum to feel it. Many women don't have the suction power needed to get a guy off properly.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mmmm, peanut butter....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I always thought it was the hands with the mouth....the grip makes a difference , we can go tight or loose on the c0ck :scratchhead:

But a woman can do a suction type feel....if she can take it all in her mouth.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Mmmm, peanut butter....


:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

over20 said:


> :scratchhead::scratchhead:


Hahahahahahaha!

I fvcked this thread up.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Your funny....What do you have to say for yourself? :smthumbup:

getting back to BJ's........


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

over20 said:


> Your funny....What do you have to say for yourself? :smthumbup:
> 
> getting back to BJ's........


Yes... back to our regularly scheduled programming....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Yum, yum...want some cum.....sorry TMI

Do you think the OP maybe is not good at it? IDK. I know it took me a long time to perfect it on my boyfriend at the time but now my DH. What is your experience? I mean no disrespect but if a woman is not good at first maybe it will halt her lover?


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

over20 said:


> Yum, yum...want some cum.....sorry TMI
> 
> Do you think the OP maybe is not good at it? IDK. I know it took me a long time to perfect it on my boyfriend at the time but now my DH. What is your experience? I mean no disrespect but if a woman is not good at first maybe it will halt her lover?


Coming back to the topic 

I don't know if I am not good at it. I wish I had another data point to compare it to, but I don't. That said, we watch porn together, and WATCHING BJs does nothing for him either. In general he has zero interest in any of the "money shots" and much prefers to watch hard PIV.

His input is that it's just not rough and stimulating enough. I use my hands plenty... grip it hard, work everything around it... almost like a BJ and HJ in one. However, with it in my mouth it's not like my hands have a ton of room to move up and down it, and I think he misses that. I'll admit... I seem to give a good HJ. I once teased my husband with it so much, that when I finally brought him to climax, he literally blacked out for a second. Said it was the most amazing sexual experience ever... so, maybe I have set the bar too high for HJs and now BJs don't cut it?

My guy likes things rough. Hard thrusting, lots of strong rubbing all over his body... makes me think that a mouth and tongue just aren't enough stimulation for him... too gentle? But even so, the visual of it also doesn't seem to do anything for him. 

Bandit, I do appreciate you pointing out that he is allowed to not like it, without being somehow "broken." For my own benefit, I would love for him to enjoy it more, but maybe it just isn't his thing. Like I said, I at least described my technique to a guy friend and he said I was doing everything right, so I am not sure what else to do.

I brought it up with him last night and he said he really doesn't think it's me, it's just his preference. That said, when I pushed to see if he would be interested in me practicing to get better, he just kinda shrugged... which of course, makes me feel selfish for WANTING to TRY to get better. If he's really not into it, maybe I should just let it go.

BTW, someone had mentioned just using it as foreplay... that is traditionally how it has been used. However, when we are getting all hot and heavy, he'll be making all kinds of noises and it's really hot, and then I will put my mouth there and... silence. So it makes me think that at this point, it's not even good foreplay material...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

If they don't do that much for him then that's his preference. I've seen some men even on here that don't care for it. And as hot as a BJ is both me and my H prefer PIV. The connection is much greater with PIV for us.

I know one thing though. There is no way I would be discussing BJs with another man IRL! But that's just me.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

My wife is fantastic at oral sex, but I'm not a huge fan either. I would MUCH rather have vaginal or anal sex. (I REALL don't like hand jobs.) For me, the feeling of being inside (and I'm talking completely inside) a woman is a feeling unlike any other. Oral sex is okay - much better than a hand job - but it doesn't give me the connection I get with vaginal or anal.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I did not know there was such a being.

I really did not think that there was any man that did not like a b.j.

I think my husband would probably divorce me if i told him he was never getting one again. (Joke ).

I am shocked tho, how can your man not enjoy one.

He should think himself lucky he has a lady who is very willing. I have a friend that hates them, and would never give one again.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

could be a mental block, some guys think its degrading. I know a guitar player that does not like bjs at all, cant get off that way.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FoodFrenzy said:


> But now I feel guilty if I go down on him because I feel like I am being selfish, and subsequently boring him for my own enjoyment.


:lol:

I have no words!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Coming back to the topic
> 
> I don't know if I am not good at it. I wish I had another data point to compare it to, but I don't. That said, we watch porn together, and WATCHING BJs does nothing for him either. In general he has zero interest in any of the "money shots" and much prefers to watch hard PIV.
> 
> ...


Well, there's your answer  (maybe)

He likes it rough and he likes to be touched/rubbed everywhere. Focusing on the one area (even if it's THAT area) doesn't seem to do much for him. Seems like it needs to be a whole body experience, rather than a focus on one area.

Also, just throwing this out there... but perhaps his penis isn't very sensitive? You guys are porn-watchers (which is okay!), but is it possible it's being used too much, and therefore the sensitivity is gone? Chronic masturbators need more and more time to get off, the more they use it. Not saying he's a chronic masturbator - more along the lines of if it's being used daily, then it's not as easy to get off. I know from experience (not a chronic masturbator, btw!) that if I've taken care of myself for a couple of days running, then the wife wants sex the next day, it definitely takes longer for me AND the O isn't as great.

Perhaps it's as simple as over use, which requires more (and rougher) stimulation? And thus, a BJ just isn't enough on it's own?


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I didn't think a man who disliked BJ's existed! 

That being said, maybe he can't climax by oral stimulation alone, so he needs hands and oral at the same time. You can combine a hand job and blow job easily when everything is wet and slippery. Just keep your hands up higher on the shaft and keep alternating your touching/kissing right on his trigger spot.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with bandit.45

If he's not into it, he's not into it. I don't see the purpose of forcing the issue....you wouldn't want him dwelling on a sexual act that did nothing for you, would you? If he is otherwise happy with your sex life...and you know what DOES turn him on (HJ's etc) I'd focus on rocking his world that way. 

Since he's indifferent, and it turns YOU on, though....I don't seem the harm in going down on him a bit occasionally during foreplay. As long as you're not at it for a long time, every time, or doing it to elicit a response from him. Just talk to him about it and tell him it turns YOU on a lot and once in a while you'd like to do it to change things up, if it doesn't bother him.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

FoodFrenzy said:


> Have you ever heard of a guy who doesn't like BJs?


I've never had one and don't have any real desire to. In some segments of my generation, fellatio was something a man might pay a prostitute for, but not something he would ever expect of his wife. That can be a tough mental block to get past. 




FoodFrenzy said:


> So here are my questions:
> 
> Am I being selfish for still wanting to give BJs?
> Should I just let it go, or should I see if there is some way that I can improve my technique so he can enjoy it more?


You are most definitely not being selfish.

Could there be something else behind his indifference? For example, was he raised in an off-beat religious household? Even today, there are some branches of fundamentalism that forbid oral sex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You seem to be obsessed with getting him to want it. He isn't that interested. Let it go.

Talking to your guy friends about your BJ technique isn't going to get your husband more interested (the opposite effect is more likely). It might get your guy friends interested, though.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You seem to be obsessed with getting him to want it. He isn't that interested. Let it go.
> 
> Talking to your guy friends about your BJ technique isn't going to get your husband more interested (the opposite effect is more likely). It might get your guy friends interested, though.


I don't see how me asking about it on TAM makes me obsessed? As for the friend, I've known him since I was a kid and he's like a brother to me. I didn't specifically seek out his advixe on BJs... it just came up one day and I casually mention my hubs didn't like them, and it went from there. Obviously, if he's really not into it, I have no problems dropping it. I just don't want him to miss out on something that most men seem to enjoy because, perhaps, I am doing a poor job of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

OP you're not selfish 

DH isn't a huge fan of BJs either.My ex was wild about them to the point of wanting them constantly. 

Every man is different. 

DH likes it rough like it sounds your DH does too. He prefers a really aggressive hj over a bj any day. 

Try the mix of hand/mouth and if he's still not feeling it,let it go. Every now and then DH will want to feel my mouth on him and I give it to him.But I rarely initiate BJs anymore unless it's during 69.

Good luck! I think you're a very caring and sweet wife for being so concerned about his enjoyment of things.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband isn't very interested in them. I know my technique isn't lacking because I've done a lot of work on it over the last couple of years  I suspect it's a mental thing on his part. It's something that I hope we can work on together sometime and he can overcome it, but for now I just let it be. He knows I am more than willing if he ever feels the urge.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

my husband used to want them a lot when we were first dating and marriage, especially since we didn't have actual sex right away in our relationship. I always thought it was hot that he always wanted one. But, they got less frequent, and it's been years since he's asked for one  I once asked him about it and he said it's because he prefers actual sex, that's why! I suppose. But he'll still go on my boobs from time to time. Who knows! When our relationship is better I'm just going to take him as soon as he comes in the door from work one day and unzip his pants and not give him a choice  I'm sure he won't complain.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

For someone who has only been intimate with your husband your boundaries are very loose if you can discuss this matter with a "guy" friend.

You are making a problem where one doesn't exist and creating a worse problem instead.

Just my thoughts,

Seasalt


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm not into BJ's either unless it is borderline 69 or I'm kneeling next to her face while using a toy on her.

Just me lay there and get a BJ? I'll pass 99.99% of the time.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Always love a good BJ. However, my wife got braces and her technique has suffered for it. Still feels pretty damn good, but not as good as before. Guess shes afraid to cut me.

Either way, it takes me a long time to get an orgasm from a BJ and it usually just makes me want to get inside her ASAP


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wow...what's next? I didn't know men weren't ALL hard and ready with a shift in the breeze?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And also the talk about technique? Sure, there are some standard generalities, but every guy is different so just because a guy friend says it sounds perfect, or past guy partners loved it doesn't mean it's good for the current guy. And describing technique is a far cry from what is actually happening...it's easy to think you are doing something when your'e actually doing something else...subtleties and nuance make a difference in a bj. Also, it may be counter productive talking to a current partner about how past guys have reacted to your technique.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Wow...what's next? I didn't know men weren't ALL hard and ready with a shift in the breeze?


Sadly I'm just finding that out for myself w/my husband. I literally had NO IDEA a penis existed that wouldn't be just lined up hard and ready for me the second my panties dropped. 

LOL


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

committed4ever said:


> OP: *Somewhere Simply Amorous has posted some how-to books on it. I don't think it would hurt to make sure you're using good technique.*


Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man 







...Loved this book... just reading it turned me on so bad I'd attack him when he got home.... I am not sure what I would have done if he didn't like them....it would have tumbled my spirit .

And ... I was a very stupid wife..for many many years... didn't do BJ's ...wasn't sure what to do with that...seemed "dirty" to me... so many regrets here...then mid life hit.. went hog wild for this...couldn't get enough...I look back & think "what the h** was wrong with me- who was that woman!"... I think my mind was caged, then it was suddenly H-jacked or something.. 

 Tickle His Pickle: Your Hands-On Guide to Penis Pleasing (bought this one too!)...

 How To Give A Blow Job - Oral Sex He'll Never Forget eBook: 

The Best Oral Sex Ever - Her Guide to Going Down 

You could turn this around...and have our situation... I never cared all that much for Oral on me.. I can't get off that way... I can only recall 2 times in my life.... but HE LOVES to DO IT... it's one of his favorite things...so I let him do it...and really I am very thankful he enjoys it so much... as it makes me FEEL very loved, and desired..it's so intimate......but honesty I enjoy his hands more so (just like your husband!)... so it what it is...

I don't see any reason you should give this up... if it heightens your enjoyment & gets you ready for him.. by all means, keep on.. but I get where you are coming from, you want him to selfishly want IT.. *this is part of the passion* ... but he's not going to turn you away..... work on your technique some and use it as foreplay .. a little variety is good.. 

I can understand your obsession though.. when we really want something, we can over play things in our heads...it's almost like a grieving to let something go we LOVE so much... or to come to terms with what IS... . been there, done that... resolving to accept our spouses limitations and work through them for both of our satisfaction/ pleasure..

If he doesn't get hard, this would be very difficult though..(I might have skipped some posts if that was addressed).... I know this is what heightens my enjoyment...Does he ? 

My husband loves a BJ... But when I 1st started doing them... he literally said to me -he felt selfish.. I just laughed at him.. Like WHAT [email protected]#$%..... that's crazy.. he is geared such a pleaser --that he was feeling guilty if I take him all the way and didn't get mine.. ..Sweet I suppose.. to this day he doesn't want to watch me give him one.. I'd like him to watch...eye contact...all that.... but I don't know...not his thing...but yeah I could hang there all day, he's not going to push me away.



> *FoodFrenzy said:* *That said, we watch porn together, and WATCHING BJs does nothing for him either. In general he has zero interest in any of the "money shots" and much prefers to watch hard PIV.*


 my H has 0 interest in seeing a man's parts.. Not at all..all he wants to see is solo women... so some men are like that. 



> *My guy likes things rough. Hard thrusting, lots of strong rubbing all over his body... makes me think that a mouth and tongue just aren't enough stimulation for him... too gentle? But even so, the visual of it also doesn't seem to do anything for him*.


Sounds like it is just NOT enough ROUGHness for him, that is what turns him on.. Get out the black leather and whips... and some spikes on your wrist and do some rough play with your hands while doing one.. I don't know! Just keep learning ...and trying new.. that's what I would advise..you just might hit on something...


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

To me it doesn't sound like he completely dislikes them, just that he would rather be doing something else. I haven't really heard a guy say that they hate them, but I have heard men say that they can't c*m from them so they really only like them as short foreplay. 

If you really want to do them, it doesn't sound to me like he would be angry. But maybe try working on your technique and in the meantime just do them on occasion as foreplay if you are really into doing it. As long as your sex life is otherwise healthy I don't think him not wanting a BJ is necessarily that weird.


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