# Last night...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

As some of you know, we are doing MC in regards to our sex issue; I want it less, she wants it all the time, gets hurt/rejected when I turn her down etc - equates sex to love/etc etc

She has been crying about it, but I decided to stay with her last night to help her feel the closeness, and well, it was closer then I expected. Not going to get into the specific details but the sex last night was extremely intimate.

It wasn't the wild crazy lustful humping that we normally do, it was just so natural and loving. We didn't even really dirty talk much last night, more intimate banter really than anything... hard to explain.

We were fondling, making out until both of us feel asleep in each other's arms. It was the best thing as we hardly ever have such intimacy despite our crazy sex life. Maybe she's opening up? Or maybe she's starting to see love outside of wild crazy sex?

What you think?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I think it sounds as though you've made a breakthrough! Are you doing anything else besides MC? I ask because I am in a very similar situation to you and your wife, I'm HD (sex=love) and he's LD (sex=shame or solo fun) to make a long story very short.

In any case, this is a good thing!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I hope so! lol... though at the back of mind a part of me wonders if we did the right thing. While holding her close I just wanted to make her feel loved as much as I could, I made last night all about her. Still = I don't want to reinforce her thinking that sex=love =/

We're not doing anything either than counselling, though the MC came highly recommended for sex addiction and it seems like it is getting through. I don't know if what we did was right, may have to ask the counsellor next time if it is helping or damaging the issue.

She's tamer though it seems, normally after giving in to sex she starts demanding it more straight away but this morning she really gave me my space and let me go through my morning routine without interruption to get to work. So it's hard to say...

Thanks though


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like wonderful progress!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She still seems a bit dreamy/dazed since that night actually too lol

I think she's starting to like it!  Haha
It was real love-sex not lust-sex, if that makes any sense


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Makes total sense! Good for the both of you!!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't understand why you two can't just sit down and agree on a schedule.


----------



## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> I don't understand why you two can't just sit down and agree on a schedule.


^^^^^ this. I never really understood the problem. At least you're having sex with some frequency. Figure out a schedule, sign a contract, whatever.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And just say no.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> I don't understand why you two can't just sit down and agree on a schedule.


She's a SEX ADDICT. There is a deep rooted reason for her need for sex multiple times a day and he felt like he was performing a service, not connecting emotionally with his wife. It's not just about compromising on frequency.

I'm glad to hear things have improved for you, Random.:smthumbup:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know that. But he doesn't have to AGREE, does he? Last I heard, it still takes two.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

turnera said:


> I know that. But he doesn't have to AGREE, does he? Last I heard, it still takes two.


But without resolving the underlying issue, he ends up rejecting her more often than accepting. Somewhere he said she would want it 3x a day and he might not always want it every day, even. Which puts him in the position of turning her down more often than accepting her advances. How would THAT hurt the relationship? Again, underlying cause needs to be treated, not just creating and agreeing to a schedule otherwise they BOTH end up frustrated but for different reasons.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I never said they shouldn't get therapy. I just said he doesn't have to say yes to her every time she wants it. That does just as much damage as what SHE is doing.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sex is love in my marriage. It is one of our favorite ways to show that we cherish each other. 

My drive is higher than my husband's. We compromise with 3-4 times a week despite the fact that I would like to make love every day.

Last night I wanted sex, but my husband had a cold coming on and wanted to rest. I was disappointed but I understood that my husband was not feeling well. 

The fact that your wife has worked as a prostitute and needs sex multiple times a day to feel love shows that she is addicted to sex. Every addict gets angry when you take away their drug of choice, but it is for their own good. Keep showing your wife different ways of expressing love physically.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Turning down OR turning off my wife ends up with:
In past -> Fights, demands, ST (silent treatments), complaints, nagging, guilt trips, manipulations, "rapes"
In recent past -> Still all of the above but less on the full on fights/demains/manipulations, not to mention her telling me how she's feeling unloved and whatever

Also, compromises lasted until boundaries became broken. Last compromise idea got fked when I decided to be a bit more giving and ironically she took the opportunity to demand more sex. So... MC was the last resort, but it seems to be working lol


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you had a real boundary and a real consequence you would give, it wouldn't matter how many tricks she plays to get her way.

Example: You raise your voice at me, I leave the room. When I come back and you try yelling again, I'm leaving the house for 30 minutes. If I come back and you do it again, I'm staying at a hotel tonight. If you're still waiting to fight when I come home the next day, I'm staying at Joes house for a few days.

No offense, random, but you don't seem to know how to put your foot down around her. Have you read NMMNG or MMSL?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's not that easy I'm afraid, I'm not the type to back down but when it comes to sex, our boundaries are IMPOSSIBLE to establish at this stage, especially when it comes to our past. 

Our relationship from the start has been all about breaking the rules, following your heart, and pushing boundaries. The whole world seemed to be against us, family, friends, culture, society, everything really. No one wanted us together, not my ex, not our mates, not our families, not her church, not my community, etc etc.

We survived on passion alone, and throughout that journey I realised that she's most definitely my life partner as she not only gets along with me to the point we're best friends as well as lovers, she survived ALL of it, with me by my side.

Until of course... religion came in, which really messed us up for a while. We broke up, then got back together, and the baby bells rang suddenly, caused a panic and then... enter marriage, and when we have finally fought our due with external influences, we began fighting each other instead - irony really. 

Re-establishing order in our chaotic relationship was difficult and when I finally put the foot down (seperation - it was short though) it hurt her deeply. However, I've also made changes for her, reaffirming lovey doveys and sh-t and we've been improving alot since TAM.

But that's that...

Now, come sex, she has the entire world behind her! How can a man complain about his wife taking him 3x a day? He should consider himself lucky! He should suck it up and be a man! And if he can't - he just "aint man enough" - so that's my sad story but frankly I don't give a sh-t now. Still, you know what else?

I WANT TO SATISFY HER! I love her heaps but I just can't physically put out that much or that often especially with that little foreplay when I like the game/tease/romance otherwise sex for me is SH-T! And also...

I can't help confusing her with my sex drive, some days I'm cold, other days I'm a wild animal. It depends on my mood, and what my wife wears/acts/does etc. And when I'm a wild animal, then the next day I'm cold, she feels like sh-t when she shouldn't - I've told her a TRILLION times trying to make her understand me but it doesn't help. I don't want her to keep on like this, and I hate rejecting her when I know it just puts her in a sh-t "unloved" mood.

EDIT: Not to mention I break the boundaries too (3x a day) when she teases the fk outta me and then she uses that as leverage to convince me (and herself) that I'm rejecting her not because I can't have sex, it's because I don't want her. Which I THEN have to prove to her it's not the case...

Pffft, "unloved", if only she has any idea... she came on this forum once with that alias, chased her off and locked the door though which is good (otherwise I'll lose my only venting zone). She puts so much importance on her sexual worth when I love her for more than that and she can't see it.

Our sexual dynamics if not fixed, will never be forfilling no matter how frequent we fk each other or how hot we find each other.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, the bottom line is you will change when you WANT to bad enough.


----------

