# charm



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What does charm mean to ladies?

I always hear women say they are attracted to "confidence" but I realized I don't think I really have charm - I have confidence, quite a lot actually I think, I just don't "exude" it. Is that what charm means, when you "exude" confidence, or is it something else?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Charm is a funny thing. Some people do just sort of knock te wind out of you. It can be in their mannerisms, their speech, their hospitality. People can be charming in numerous way. It all depends.

Women, like men, are attracted to confidence. 

There is such a thing as being "too charming." That to me is a big red flag.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Charming to me means run the other way. Those people are not my type. I prefer someone who is real and charming to me says fake. It's all for show. Its okay for say the waiter to be charming because thats his job and he hopes to get tipped well for it but in real life situations I don't like it and I don't trust it. I want to know what's behind the mask.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Women, like men, are attracted to confidence.


I guess I'm trying to understand what that means... what is confidence supposed to look like on the outside? I always assumed its invisible, like the wind, but its affects are all around us. Which is why I posed the question, is charm what y'all mean?

I say this because I am confident, people often tell me I'm not but I just ignore them, however the confidence I have does not seem to make me attractive to women, so I know for a fact its not purely "confidence" that is attractive, its something akin.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What does your "confidence" look like? Try to be objective in answering.

"Charming" to me is usually tied to thoughtfulness--anticipating another's needs, being kind and playful, self-effacing in a way that does not suggest a lack of confidence. Smiles help a lot--I'm amazed that more people do not seem to smile a lot. "If you're happy and you know it. . . smile a lot (da, da, da)."

Charm isn't fake and it isn't flirting. When I see kindness and thoughtfulness and playfulness in a guy who is clearly self-confident, I think he is charming. 

Hope this helps!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thank you sis359, I like your definition of charm, it makes sense for me. I guess I'm feeling frustrated because a lot of it is just personality, which is something that is hard to change. For me I am always kind, when I am thoughtful I am giving but I don't think I'm all that thoughtful toward others very often, and playfulness depends so much on the circumstance. When I'm confident I tend to be in my own inner world, but am really good at bridging connections to others in the outside world on a one-on-one basis.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lol, I just used this term the other day. Was commenting on how my new guy friend has a whole lot of potential weapons hanging around his place...knife in car (walking dogs in bear country), knife in workshop, really hot poker things in workshop, African spears over the sofa :-o but told him that his real weapon is charm (it was a compliment.)

To me, charm is a sincere good-natured outlook towards the person you're with, when you can smile and flirt and compliment all with good eye contact and just kind of be in that space. I think it has something to do with tilting the head, putting your hands into the other person's physical space for brief periods of time, touching firmly and briefly but not quite intimately, and some kind of lilt to the voice, where there are brief pauses and shorter sentence fragments, and more movement of the core of the body, shifting towards and sideways, kind of like sparring but not quite. Adam Sandler does it really well in some of his movies, like The Wedding Singer and Happy Gilmore. I knew him when he was a kid, we were in the same acting group in Manchester NH where I went to high school, and even back then he had charm. It's not a dangerous thing, but it does mask a deeper, more logical personality, it kind of disarms it, especially when someone can be intimidating because of skill or some natural talent, they use charm to put other people at ease. Also they don't have a problem with stating the truth, because it's softened and made less critical or less egotistic or overwhelming because of the charm effect, the attitude is something like, this will all come out in the wash, let's just kind of laugh at it. Or, you're hot, I'm hot, but it's just random genetics, don't take it too seriously, tomorrow we could do a face plant and be butt-ugly, it's not the be-all end-all...People with charm might make fun of others, but they stop short of being malicious. Even when they're being critical and poking fun, they do it in a way that leaves the 'victim' open to change. For this reason, they make very good friends even if they don't always think highly of them, they are more socially proactive and positive than most.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Confidence is being okay with who you are NOW. Knowing you have value and worth just because you are YOU. If you have this it will show on the outside. It will illuminate from you. That is confidence.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't better yourself. In real life I tend to come across as cold and unfeeling but that's not who I am inside. In fact I'm the most caring, considerate, sensitive person you'd ever want to meet. My problem is I don't show it so I'm working on letting others see the real me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> ...My problem is I don't show it so I'm working on letting others see the real me.


me too, my face muscles don't match what goes on inside.

and HNU, you used to act on stage with Adam Sandler? That's awesome! (in fact I love his charm, his smiling face kinda came to mind a few times as I have been commenting on this thread) he is so darn likaeble.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I think confidence is loving yourself, and being secure with who and what you are, and the things you've done in your life. 

As compared to ****iness, which is just being arrogant and better than everyone else...I think confidence also comes with a level of humility.

I liken charmers to sweet talkers. They could smile and talk their way into and out of anything and it gives them a real advantage on most people.

could just be my cynical view of the world, but usually charming people set off an alarm in my head and put me on edge a bit. Maybe its that it makes them seem less "real" and more like a painted on face..something anyhow.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

CLucas976 said:


> I liken charmers to sweet talkers. They could smile and talk their way into and out of anything and it gives them a real advantage on most people.


Reminds me of my university room-mate, man that guy did whatever he wanted, always got his way, could (and did) pick up any woman, could (and did) get any job he applied for... and he was one of the biggest a-holes you will ever meet, not only that you didn't have to dig very deep to discover how insecure he was. And he had the nerve to call me the spineless one when I found out all the shix he made up about me behind my back. Still, I've always liked the guy though.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Lon said:


> I guess I'm trying to understand what that means... what is confidence supposed to look like on the outside? I always assumed its invisible, like the wind, but its affects are all around us. Which is why I posed the question, is charm what y'all mean?
> 
> I say this because I am confident, people often tell me I'm not but I just ignore them, however the confidence I have does not seem to make me attractive to women, so I know for a fact its not purely "confidence" that is attractive, its something akin.


I've read "confidence" as an attractive characteristic here a lot, and i have also wondered exactly what it means. Obviously, I know what the dictionary definition is, but I'm sure it's not that simple when it comes to a relationship, nothing else ever is.

Is it confidence beyond what a "normal" person would have that is attractive? Even Barney Fife had confidence.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

SB, I think I understand what you mean, it all feels so competitive to me. Which from a biological standpoint makes sense, just doesn't jive with the romantic hallmark thinking of what love is supposed to be about.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

southbound said:


> I've read "confidence" as an attractive characteristic here a lot, and i have also wondered exactly what it means. Obviously, I know what the dictionary definition is, but I'm sure it's not that simple when it comes to a relationship, nothing else ever is.
> 
> Is it confidence beyond what a "normal" person would have that is attractive? Even Barney Fife had confidence.


I think it's one of those "gray" areas..I mean, I read people as confident off their body language. ****y people strut and hold their nose in the air, that word that I'm looking for that means non confident people tend to sheild their body with how they stand and look down or around and confident people to me, sit right in the middle..not above the rest of us, and not putting themselves below the rest of us either. 

it might be more accurate to say that it's attractive for someone to be "self assured" instead of confident.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think there are different types of charm but one thing is certain. Women think men are charming when the man is engaging them in a playful but respectful way which makes the women feel special. How one goes about achieving this can vary. Some men outright lie to make this happen and others just have to be themselves. There are also different types of confidence. Some women are attracted to overt confidence that you might find in a cop and others respond to the quiet confidence that you might find in a math professor. It really depends on their culture, family experience and sometimes their education. Some men are capable of being charming but realize that most of the time its disingenuous behavior. I fall into this category. I can turn on the charm when I have geniune feelings for someone. It comes out naturally because its real. However I've been married for a long time so it's not so frequent anymore :scratchhead:. I will say there is a whole class of women that fall head over heals for the charming lier who exudes overt confidence. I would avoid these women at all costs.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i don't know a good way to describe charm but I know i think the words "slippery as an eel" when I see someone oozing charm.

charm is not to be confused with bubbly,sweet,friendly,etc.

charm is a whole different animal.

all the men who have cheated on me were charming.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i don't know a good way to describe charm but I know i think the words "slippery as an eel" when I see someone oozing charm.
> 
> charm is not to be confused with bubbly,sweet,friendly,etc.
> 
> ...


Yeah I think some of you ladies who have a skeptical opinion of too much charm have what is called "the charmer" type of person in mind. I don't think you need to be "the charmer" to have charm, nor would all with those with charm be considered charmers. So for the sake of this discussion, I was hoping to focus more on those with desirable levels who aren't turning up the charm purely for personal gain. But I see the point, that oozing too much is atleast as bad as not oozing enough!


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