# Need a man's perspective before I talk to him



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If I don't get a man's perspective, when I talk to him, I'm likely to be very frustrated and angry and possibly for no real reason. 

We've been having problems lately. We did some questionnaires that someone on this site suggested. One of them had some questions about previous sexual history. 

Now, to give you some background on us, sex is great when we have it (I thought anyway!), but it doesn't happen very often. He has no desire at all. He thinks I want too much, I think he doesn't want enough. 

In the sexual history, he made a note that the only good sex he ever had was with *ex-girlfriend's name*. 

I'm now sitting here, not only feeling like crap because he said that, but also feeling massively insecure in every possible way. I'm starting to wonder if he was always thinking of her when we have sex, and if he has no desire to have sex because he still wants to have sex with her. 

Can anyone give me any opinions/advice on how I should take this statement that he made? Am I overreacting? Am I justified in feeling so hurt? Should I be worried?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Hi, I'll share some thoughts I hope it helps...

Most everyone is going to come into a relationship with "history" and that history is bound to have some good/best times in it. That said, it is just that...history. It sounds as though you're lacking a lot of communication (a huge issue in my marriage also) and that he is distant and not connecting with you. Many people dont marry the person they had the best sex with. They marry someone who has a combination of qualities that hopefully make them a better long term partner. He married you. I think getting the communication working will be a big step. Short of that if you can get him to open up at all at least you might understand him better.

GL


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Another thought...

If you talk to him specifically about his answer to the question, I think you should tread lightly. I think you should try and turn it into a positive conversation. Keep it light, use humor if you can and say something like "I'd love to make our sex the best you've ever had..."wink" "wink". He might blow you off and if he does try and say cool. If he doesnt and says almost anything, he's given you an opening. Stay cool, flirty and fun and see where it leads you. Warning: if you judge him, get angry or emotional, he'll probably clam up and your back where you started.

GL


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> If I don't get a man's perspective, when I talk to him, I'm likely to be very frustrated and angry and possibly for no real reason.
> 
> We've been having problems lately. We did some questionnaires that someone on this site suggested. One of them had some questions about previous sexual history.
> 
> ...



Man Perspective.....(mine)

To me what he said was hurtful. I would have chosen another way to let you know that "we" should be doing something(s) different. He'd shrivel if you did the same to him. That said. Let it go.
I think that anything which promotes discussing sexual history when you're not on solid ground is surely playing with fire and likely destined to cause trouble.

I "think" that sexual satisfaction is related to many things, only one of which is an individual's performance. Other things are body compatibility, passion, free mind, etc. You should not feel insecure about that, could likely be on him.

Digging into the past is likely NOT the answert to the present... at least not in terms of your sexual history.. I'd stop that for now. In order to share that stuff you need to both be in a good place and very secure.

Almost every single couple is mismatched at least at times. It simply is that way. Try to talk more about and discover what his likes and dislikes are. Make each other feel secure to describe opoenly whats going on now... Imagine how slow your progress will be if you want to relive the past before getting to the NOW.

good luck'


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Hunt, I know I am insecure. Insecurity is an issue I have struggled with...well, most of my life really. At least half of it, I'd say. And I know that my insecurities are groundless. I am working on getting past that. It's just...it's hard to explain, even to myself, how I feel here. We rarely have sex. He's a truck driver (gee, never woulda guessed that, would ya? lol), so he's only home a few days a month. So, obviously, our relationship is generally a conversation based relationship...we talk more than most couples, I think at times. But when he is home, I do want to have sex with him, because we can only do that when he's home. He just...has no interest in sex at all. Well, not no interest, he does every couple of months or so, but it's rare. And I can understand that he has some kind of hormonal issue or whatever that causes that. And as I've tried to tell him, I can live with that. Sex is not the most important thing to me. It's just that that comment kinda made me feel like it's me that he doesn't want to have sex with, not just that he doesn't want to have sex in general. 

And there's also the fact that's not a touchy-feely kind of guy, and I'm kind of a touchy-feely kind of girl. And when you combine what sometimes seems like a total lack of physical affection with no sex...a statement like that really hurts. I think it would have hurt even if I didn't have insecurities. 

63vino...we weren't discussing sex or sex issues specifically. I had found a questionnaire on another site that was basically a personal history, and it included sex. Honestly, with the exception of the lack of sex, our sex life is fine. I very much enjoy sex with him, and he's the only guy I've ever felt that way with. In fact...I wonder if maybe that's why that statement hurt me so much? I guess maybe I, immaturely, kind of felt that if I felt that way about sex with him, that he should feel that way about me. Huh...something to think about, I guess. 

Shoto1984...I know we all come into relationships with a history. I'm also well aware of the fact that neither of us would be who we are if even one of those relationships had gone differently or never happened, and that if that were the case, we might not even want to be together. I'm not upset about his history, per se. It's more...it's like he didn't think about how that statement might make me feel. I admit the questionnaire demanded total honesty, and so I can see he might have been trying for that, but it just seems to me he could have accomplished total honesty in a less hurtful way. Why couldn't he have simply said "I can really only remember enjoying sex once in my life"? That would be less hurtful...and if I wanted to explore that and find out details, I could have asked. Instead, it felt like it was shoved in my face that he doesn't enjoy sex with me, and in fact, only enjoyed it with so-and-so.

As an update to all, since I posted this last night, we did discuss it. I explained to him how it made me feel, and he did confirm he didn't intend for it to make me feel that way. He also told me that he doesn't think of her when we have sex, and he doesn't want to be with her. As he explained it, he misses some of the dynamic they had in their relationship, but not her specifically. He can't tell me what it is he's looking to have, and so it's hard for me to know how to get us in a good place. I tried to explain to him that our relationship will not be like any other relationship, because everyone is different. He said he knows that, but I'm still just not sure that he's not looking for some idealized fantasy that won't/can't happen and will therefore never be happy no matter what we do or how great our relationship might actually be in reality. 

Thanks for the advice, though! I do appreciate it. And I will give serious thought to everything said here.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Girl here (sorry). Just a thought: he may be afraid to show affection b/c he fears "misleading" you and/or having you get angry when you think he's being affectionate wanting sex and you find out he just wanted to be affectionate. Talk about it.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

sisters359...I suppose that is a possibility and we do continue to discuss this issue. However, I'm inclined to think, base on all of our conversations and the things we've expressed, that that's not the case. I do think maybe he's a bit afraid, he's hinted at that. But not because he thinks I'll get angry like that. Firstly, I have told him numerous times that I can live w/o sex. Affection itself, kissing, hugging, a touch on the hand, a quick butt pat as I cook dinner, things like that, I do need. I would not be upset if he showed me affection with no need or desire for it to end in sex. I enjoy sex with him, as I said, and would never turn him down, but I understand that he may have problems that make it so that sex just can't/won't happen that often. Truthfully, I never enjoyed it before I met him, so it's not like I feel like I'm being ripped off or something. If that makes sense. I wish for more of it, because I enjoy it with him, but not because of sex in general. It makes me feel closer to him, loved. And I think I just went way off point here. lol Sorry about that.


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