# Hubby lost job & ain't lookin!



## 911firefighterchick (Feb 18, 2012)

So I married my childhood sweetheart this October will be 3 years. He doesn't see his children due to his ex. After a year of always getting excuses and the door slammed in his face on his visitation days, he's give up trying to see the kids.

In light of not seeing the kids tho, NC court system, he's still gotta pay his ex $$$$ in support of the children. The $$$ goes to the ex. Her nails are always done, she always has the newest cellphone & bluetooth available etc. She takes what she feels is hers and meagerly takes care of the kids.

Anyways, hubby has lost 2 jobs, one being his fault, one being due to the economy and they had to layoff over 1/2 the companies employees. Hubby didn't have a GED so this year for his birthday I paid over $200 and he got his High School Equivalency certificate. I felt like with him not having it, that it was ALWAYS a black cloud hanging over him.

Right after he lost his 2nd job, the next week my mom unexpectedly passed away. He was a HUGE help at that time being at home so much, helping my dad, helping me with my teenagers that are home with me. 

He's since found part-time work in the county we live in, but court is telling him to find full-time work or another part-time job, and he's not even looking! The judge gave him 3 months to look & lowered his support those 3 months.

Now, I have a AAS degree & I was just received a promotion to shift Supervisor at the County position I have. I'm sick of the stress of him #1 not looking for a job #2 all the financial responsibilities falling on me and #3 feeling like I'm his shugga mama. I've been giving the pep talks, assisted with him getting his GED, but I'm getting down to threats. It's affected me so, to the point, that I can't even stand being intimate with him anymore. I'm seeing him as another child I'm having to take care of instead of a man or a husbandly figure.

Just would like some advice. I've tried talking, I've tried preaching, and now I just feel like for my sanity & my stress & health I should cut my losses and love myself enough to let him go ahead and fend for himself. I think I'm being very supportive in my actions & I'm just wanting a MAN to help pull his own weight. Just want to know if thinking of sending him on his way sounds fair or am I being totally *****y about.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds fair. If you want kids of your own I wouldn't think he's demonstrated anything that will contribute to feelings of security in that department. It's probably not healthy to get involved in the ex-wife thing, you shouldn't have to care so much what someone else is doing with money. Nail polish and cell phones are cheap, and she could be on someone else's plan or even have a work phone. Do you really have enough contact with her personally or are you casting her in the light of what your H says about her? It doesn't even sound like he has enough current contact with her for him to know much about her, and given the way he treats you and himself and hasn't gone to bat for his right to see the children, it makes me scratch my head as to why he says the door gets slammed in his face...does he really show up on time, etc. Has he been drinking when he arrives there? We don't know these things and you might not either. Doesn't sound like your H makes enough $ for him to be fully supporting a woman to the degree that he says she is getting along with his money. Could be she uses it to have the kids have some security in terms of the basics and there's not much left for show, I mean, what does a kid really need that would actually show that someone is putting money into them - do they need to be fashion plates or have their own cell phones, go to private school, have a nanny? I'm a single mom and I have time to do my nails. It means nothing except wanting your nails to look good while you're standing around after school waiting for your kids to come out. Gives you something nice to look at, takes 5 minutes and maybe 50 cents a month.

I'd focus more on how you feel about what you are getting for what you're putting into the relationship. Sounds like he is maybe thinking you will go the distance for him, and it does seem a little bit like you projected what you would do in a situation, vs. what he would do, by providing $ for his GED. IMO, if someone wants a GED given the information and the suggestion, they can make their own decision about it. I think it might have been an 'investment' for him but not in the way you are thinking, he might have thought, gee, if I do this it will keep me in this comfortable marriage for a while longer, and it's not work, and I'll have evidence of trying to improve myself, excellent, another bolster for my excuses  It's one thing to parent a child but I really dislike 'make your own husband' kits. Sure everyone needs some help every once in a while, but I think that 'rescuing' some under-valued treasure is just an illusion. It really doesn't happen. Under-valued treasures tend to make their own value, and when they do, it's obvious, they don't need to be taken off the shelf and dusted off.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

I don't think many women want to feel like the major breadwinner for the family. I know I would not. I think it's natural to want a husband who is a good provider.

I can understand your anger. If he were trying hard, you would be obligated to stand by him I think. 

If he's happy for you to bring home the bacon while he does little...then has a large, long term debt like child support...that, frankly, sucks.

I would not live in that situation long term. 

As for the ex-wife, she didn't take a vow of poverty when she had kids with your husband. She could be a multi-millionaire and your husband would still owe the same child support...as he should. If you make children, you have an obligation to contribute to their support. End of story.

If he wants visitation with his kids, he doesn't need his ex-wife's permission as long as there is a visitation order. I'm a custodial parent - physical AND legal - but if I don't hand my 3 children over to my ex-husband every other weekend, I can be immediately arrested. My lawyer was very clear about this. I don't live in the most progressive state in the world either (where it concerns divorce laws).

If your husband REALLY wants to see his kids - unless he's been abusive - he can. Even if he's been abusive, he could probably arrange some way for supervised visitation (if he has gone to therapy and the abuse wasn't sexual, for example) Again, he doesn't need his ex-wife's blessing. She has nothing to do with it. She must relinquish them for visitation if there a court order.


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