# Cloak and Dagger revisited



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey everyone. How's it going?....... Me? Not so great. I am at a loss of what to do and really need help and advice.

Tonight my WH and I were arguing and this is after a year of R (after I found out he was having sex online for months....he destroyed the PC after I found out, so I have no way of knowing the extent of how far he went. Yes, I did have an STD test and we have not been intimate since.)

Anyway, he went into the bedroom and told me to get out and leave him alone, we argued more and then he got up and said GET OUT and pushed me out.

I was livid after that and told him not to touch me again (I am recovering from a broken humerus 4 months ago) he came into the room I was in and I told him if he put his hands on me again I would call the police.

He did. Then, he just laughed and said GO AHEAD THEY WILL JUST TAKE YOU AWAY with a huge grin. So I called. And they just took him away. 

I am lost. I know he will never forgive me when he loses his job. I don't want to go to a women's shelter. I just want a divorce. I really loved him and I know this is probably the end. I worked for a year to try and reconcile and now I'm just afraid.

Thanks for listening. Peace.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Hey everyone. How's it going?....... Me? Not so great. I am at a loss of what to do and really need help and advice.
> 
> Tonight my WH and I were arguing and this is after a year of R (after I found out he was having sex online for months....he destroyed the PC after I found out, so I have no way of knowing the extent of how far he went. Yes, I did have an STD test and we have not been intimate since.)
> 
> ...


He sounds like quite the piece of work.

You don't need a person like that in your life. You can and will do better. 

Have you tried getting him into therapy for his physically violent behavior? Destroying the computer can be lumped in there, aside from him putting his hands on you. A divorce otherwise would be the only option you have.

I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that he put his hands on you again. Do you mean that he litteraly just put his hands on you or that he did something like pushed you or shoved your or hit you?


How did you break your humerus?

Have you seen an attorney to find out your rights? Now might be the time.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks guys, I broke my arm completely in half right before the holidays, following a neighborhood cat. I know, pretty ridiculous.

He pushed me out of the room, he didn't hit me.

I didn't think they would arrest him. I don't think he should lose his job over it. I just wish he would move out. I'm pretty much done trying to reconcile. I need to heal my heart and my body.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

We've been together off and on for 18 years. Married for 9. My whole life is here with him.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Thanks guys, I broke my arm completely in half right before the holidays, following a neighborhood cat. I know, pretty ridiculous.
> 
> He pushed me out of the room, he didn't hit me.
> 
> I didn't think they would arrest him. I don't think he should lose his job over it. I just wish he would move out. I'm pretty much done trying to reconcile. I need to heal my heart and my body.


Don't worry about his job, that's his problem. Worry about what you need to do in order to heal and move on with your life.

When he pushed you, were you blocking the only exit in the room or something? slapping? Or did he approach you and shove you?



> I broke my arm completely in half right before the holidays, following a neighborhood cat. I know, pretty ridiculous.


Something tells me that's not how you completely broke your arm.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Nope, its true, thats how I broke it. Fell from a standing height and BAMM.

I was arguing with him in our bedroom and he did exactly what I said. Came up and pushed me out of the room.

I was not being physical, I was b****ing though, and so was he. It was an argument.


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## BlackjackBob (Nov 9, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Nope, its true, thats how I broke it. Fell from a standing height and BAMM.
> 
> I was arguing with him in our bedroom and he did exactly what I said. Came up and pushed me out of the room.
> 
> I was not being physical, I was b****ing though, and so was he. It was an argument.


So another scumbag.

You deserve much better than that piece of ****.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

The thing is, he always goes into what used to be our bedroom, and wants to be left alone. I am tired of it. When he gets mad he gets pretty snippy also. 

I just said look, we've been trying to reconcile for a YEAR. If you are unhappy MOVE OUT I am tired of the silent treatment. Its Saturday night and 7 oclock. I am tired of being told I cant be in my own bedroom, If you want to be alone, go take a walk.

And he pushed me out, slammed the door and said I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Well I was REALLY MAD because I am on a bone stimulator 4 hours a day and I don't want to do anything to hurt my progress. So I yelled at him to never touch me again, blah blah blah or I will call the police

So he comes out and pushed me again and said GO AHEAD, laughing at me.

I think he was pretty surprised when I did it. I know I was surprised that I did it.

I just don't know what happens next? I am just so DONE with his attitude. Fine. Let's get divorced, ok? Why does it have to be like this? But I'm pretty sure his attitude is going to be a whole lot worse when he gets out and comes home.

I just want the best for the both of us. Seriously. And this is not it. I just want to do the right thing. I want him to take this seriously and respect our marriage or move out and file the papers. I am not working right now and he is. He could EASILY move out and has the money to do it.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Well I called and just found out his bail is 5,000. Does this mean he cannot get out until Monday? His charges are Harassment and Menacing. His status is Unsentenced.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Can a person bail themselves out?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Can a person bail themselves out?


Sure. A credit card will do it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Sure. A credit card will do it.


Should I ask how you know this? lol


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Well I called and just found out his bail is 5,000. Does this mean he cannot get out until Monday? His charges are Harassment and Menacing. His status is Unsentenced.


If he gets out on bail, where will he go? Are you in any danger?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Sure. A credit card will do it.


Well, he's got all the cards, so.....thanks, good to know.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Should I ask how you know this? lol


I worked for a bail bondsman for a short time collaring guys who skipped bail. I was a combat sports nut back then and thought it was fun. 

You meet a lot of really nice people in that trade. 

The bondsman's number was posted by the phone at the jail. People without money would call him to post the bond, and your husband can do that too. The bondsmen cost a lot more than a credit card.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> If he gets out on bail, where will he go? Are you in any danger?


He'll probably come home. I thought he wouldn't need bail, so he's gonna have to wait till Monday. right? I don't think he'll do anything. But who knows. He's not gonna be in a good mood, that's for sure.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> I worked for a bail bondsman for a short time collaring guys who skipped bail. I was a combat sports nut back then and thought it was fun.
> 
> You meet a lot of really nice people in that trade.
> 
> The bondsman's number was posted by the phone at the jail. People without money would call him to post the bond, and your husband can do that too. The bondsmen cost a lot more than a credit card.


There are no bail bondsmen in Oregon.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> He'll probably come home. I thought he wouldn't need bail, so he's gonna have to wait till Monday. right? I don't think he'll do anything. But who knows. He's not gonna be in a good mood, that's for sure.


Wiseforit might be able to answer. I've never been arrested and really have no idea. I hope so though, might give him time to cool off. Given his behavior tonight, I'm a little nervous for you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> He'll probably come home. I thought he wouldn't need bail, so he's gonna have to wait till Monday. right? I don't think he'll do anything. But who knows. He's not gonna be in a good mood, that's for sure.


In my state it depended on the local jail and staffing hours. Just call the jail.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

2 day in jail , a 5000 dolar bail for pushing? Is this the norm in the US?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> 2 day in jail , a 5000 dolar bail for pushing? Is this the norm in the US?


Well, I don't think the charge is "pushing", lol ... and I'm sure that if it was in the middle of the day during the week, he could post bail immediately. But yes, if he was charged with pushing then the sentence is a mandatory two-day jail term ... jk.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> 2 day in jail , a 5000 dolar bail for pushing? Is this the norm in the US?


Shoving your wife around is called domestic violence in Oregon. He could have gotten out on his own recog but I think he has a prior assault charge from a fight he got into 10 years ago with his sister's boyfriend.

All I know about that is the other guy went to the hospital and he went to jail.

I can't think of any other reason that he would even have a bail amount. He's got to post at least 10%. So 500 bux. Yeah, he's not gonna be too happy about that.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

LostWife, did he push you really hard, like you could have trip and fall from the push? Did he grab your arms, and squeeze it while pushing? Is he otherwise violent or abusive? If yes, then you did very well. Kudos for standing up for yourself.

If the push was just " hey, get out o my way" kind, but he didn't grab you tight and pushed you hard, then it's all kind of childish to me. Like " you can't do that", "yes, I can ! " , " I dare you !", "here, I did it", " I'll show you now" childish games. If this is the case, for a game you now pay $ 5.000 bail and face further consequences of him losing his job, creating more problems in your marriage. 

It was still rude of him to push you, especially knowing about the humerus and it gives you the right to be upset, but I don't know. If you overracted or not all depends on how hard was the push.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

1) He is physical with you

2) He is a cheater

3) Time for Divorce


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> LostWife, did he push you really hard, like you could have trip and fall from the push? Did he grab your arms, and squeeze it while pushing? Is he otherwise violent or abusive? If yes, then you did very well. Kudos for standing up for yourself.
> 
> If the push was just " hey, get out o my way" kind, but he didn't grab you tight and pushed you hard, then it's all kind of childish to me. Like " you can't do that", "yes, I can ! " , " I dare you !", "here, I did it", " I'll show you now" childish games. If this is the case, for a game you now pay $ 5.000 bail and face further consequences of him losing his job, creating more problems in your marriage.
> 
> It was still rude of him to push you, especially knowing about the humerus and it gives you the right to be upset, but I don't know. If you overracted or not all depends on how hard was the push.


Thank you for your thoughtful response. I understand am am gravely conflicted over these very concerns. Yes it is all very childish. I agree. 

Today, I sold my last beloved digital piano while he is away. I hate bringing the police into my personal life. I absolutely hate bringing these problems to anyone's door. But he has no respect for me and I want to get away from him and clear my mind.

I don't know. I have some money now that I sold something on craigslist. He took his wallet and all the cards. I have no access to anything. He has all the money and he is the only one working right now.

On Monday, maybe we'll both be unemployed.

Maybe my piano's parting gift to me is freedom.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Think about getting a TRO for 30 days so he can cool his heels.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Think about getting a TRO for 30 days so he can cool his heels.


Yeah I thought of this, but he would lose his job for sure - I think it would affect his security clearance.

I don't want to be vindictive. I called the jail. They said he sees a judge at 2pm today. I told them he has all the bank cards with him so I can't bail him out in time for work. I asked if he could bail himself out with them and they said its cash only.

I also found out it is 5,000 dollars per charge. He has 2 charges. So he will need a thousand for bail.

If I got the TRO I would have time to move out, but to where? I don't have a job right now. And I can barely lift 5 pounds with my bad arm. He knows that.

Bleh. This is all such a mess.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sad. Something is broken inside your H or maybe he was never whole to begin with. He is drowning. You reach out to help him and he refuses to take your hand, for the most part. But when you do make contact he just threatens to pull you in.

All those hours he spends alone are probably still online. You should send him links to Internet porn addiction discussion groups. TAM probably has something on this subject.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Are you alright? He did this to himself, you are not to take any responsibility for him putting you at risk of falling in your condition even just from being pushed in any direction, no matter how genitally or hard. He was out of control and out of line. 

Do I know? Yes I know. I was beaten less than a month after returning home from hospital rehab and hip replacement. Paying a bail or fine, time in jail it is "his" price to pay for those consequences. Losing his job is his Consequences for his behavior not yours. You may want to get restraining order to keep him away if you fear he will return and hurt you again. 

My husband had priors they went after him for DV at 3 years prison plus additional time for prison priors. I was required to testify against him. I talked to DA and he refused to reduce the changes or take the steps I wanted which would also preserve the family unit. The DA also assured me that he would get all the help he needed in prison. I was not born yesterday I know more about the prison system and what they "offer." Therefore we have a little law on the books that says I have the right to refuse to testify and I used it. The DA started threatening me with jail time and other nasty comments but the judge and the DA went running for the law books to look up the code I gave them that stated my rights. My H is home, he is going to IC and we are working on our marriage. He is extremely sorry. If your H is not sorry for putting u at risk, if he is not willing to talk about your relationship and continues to want to be left alone then I can see nothing more you can do but move on. I am so terribly sorry to be blunt. The I love him line is one sided. He loves himself more. Good luck and be carefull.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

How did it go?

H committed assault and battery. Needs time in jail, and to loose job.

You need a divorce, and to make sure you are safe.


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