# How crazy is this going to make me before it gets better?



## northerbelle (Aug 2, 2013)

I originally posted this in Reconciliation because that is our current focus but it was pointed out that it would make more sense here. 

Such a long story, I don't know where to start. I just know I need to hear from people who have been there. 

To make is as short as possible the run down is this: I found out at the beginning of July that my husband was having an EA with a "lady" he met at work. Apparently they started as friends, he felt like he was able to "talk to her" and whatever... (i.e. ***** about me and how awful I am sure that I am). He originally lied to me and told me that he was talking to a man as the number was in his phone under a man's name. It didn't sit well with me and I have a very keen instinct (that I really hate sometimes). Well, I called the number and they didn't answer, they called back and I answered his phone, it was *shocking* a woman. She told me a fake name said they were just friends etc etc. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he has been unhappy for 2-3 years and then that morphed in to 4 years (coincidence that this is the year his dad died?). We are in counseling. He was initially very cold and distant but has almost pulled a 180 and it is messing with me... hard. He has confessed to trying to kiss her and it was a "peck half on the mouth and half off". When I first heard that I told him he had a week to get out, but stepped back and decided that I can actually work through that. He said she just wanted to "be friends".

Even last week before our 2nd MC session he was cold one day, decent the next. We had decided to try to work it out and become friends again and reevaluate at a later time. Well, I have been VERY careful about how I say things, how I react to things, we haven't bickered but maybe twice in a month (not normal). I have been putting more effort in to keeping our house up, he has as well. We have been spending a lot of time together talking, hangout, having sex (is that normal?), even the other night when I questioned him about the possibility that OW is trying to "talk" to him through craigslist personals. I asked all the questions I had, he is still swearing that he has not spoken to her since I told him the only way I would even try to keep this family together is if he cut all ties. He was not defensive or mean or any of his other typical "busted" behavior. He has looked at the posts on CL but if he has tried to contact her, it is in a way I don't know. I know he saw them because it was in his history. I am a little stalkerish at the moment. I am trying not to be. 

ANYWAY, I know this is a giant piece of swiss cheese and is about as erratic as it can be. As is my brain but what I want to know is HOLY CRAP, how long is this going to make me a basket case? I am FINE one minute and in tears the next. One day I am in it 100% and I am going to fight as hard as I can for this family (we have 3 kids, 12, 5, 3) and then the next day I just don't want to put the effort in. I can't handle this up and down very well. It is affecting my job performance and I have only been in this very training intensive position for a little over 2 months. 

I have looked over the 180 but I am not sure it really applies to our situation. I have tried to stop texting him as much but his texting, when we are apart, has intensified over the last week. I am lost, confused, injured, etc. I just need to hear from someone that knows when it is like to be here and tell me how hard it is to "level" out again. I have never been on drugs but I feel like I am now... it is ridiculous. (again, apologies for the whacky post, I cannnot think in a linear fashion right now).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

northerbelle said:


> IHe has confessed to trying to kiss her and it was a "peck half on the mouth and half off". When I first heard that I told him he had a week to get out, but stepped back and decided that I can actually work through that. He said she just wanted to "be friends".


He needs to keep confessing, because that half peck [email protected] is a total lie.


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## northerbelle (Aug 2, 2013)

He's told the same thing to me alone and to our MC. His story hasn't wavered. He insists that she shut him down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

"HOLY CRAP, how long is this going to make me a basket case? I am FINE one minute and in tears the next. One day I am in it 100% and I am going to fight as hard as I can for this family (we have 3 kids, 12, 5, 3) and then the next day I just don't want to put the effort in."

I am 14 months out from Dday. You have MONTHS ahead of you asking yourself, "Where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?" If he is remorseful and does everything he is supposed to, it is STILL a long, hard road. Still walking it ourselves, barefoot over broken glass, but the callouses are beginning to form.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Crazy for about 6 months. IC helped a LOT.

15 months after Dday 2 and I can have an amazingly short fuse over very small issues.

The last 15 months I have seen behaviours and situations you would not think real if portrayed in a cheap tv drama.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

northerbelle said:


> *He originally lied to me* and told me that he was talking to a man as the number was in his phone under a man's name.





northerbelle said:


> He's told the same thing to me alone and to our MC. *His story* hasn't wavered. He insists that she shut him down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His 'story' sounds absurd.. I'd press him on it, since the one thing he's proven to you is that he'll lie to cover this relationship up.


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## northerbelle (Aug 2, 2013)

Our MC sessions are going to alternate with my own IC starting Monday. I am wayyyyy paranoid. I do truly believe he is being honest with me at this time. When he is feeling guilty he is very, very defensive. I have asked several times and his mood stays nonconfrontational. 

After our MC session last week his entire mood, demeanor and attitude has changed. He is paying close attention to me and making a true effort in this rebuilding stuff. He did almost a complete turn around. He was hot and cold, hot and cold and it was really making me very hopeless/angry/weepy/crazy. I have evened out some in the last few days because of his actions but I still am plagued with dark thoughts. 

I was afraid it was going to involve months/years. Let's hope for callouses quickly!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Unless the woman concerned is a teaser? Hooking a married man, only to keep him strung along?

Either was, your husband wasn't. He wasn't your husband. He was disloyal and he needs to regain your love and your faith. That'll take him a lot of hard work and a lot of time. Can he do that?


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## northerbelle (Aug 2, 2013)

I guess we will see, MattMatt.

He seems devoted to it right now. I have told him, in no uncertain terms, that I will not go through this again. It may be a "mild" (said by mc) form of infidelity but it sure feels like hell. We are doing ok for now. He is working his ass off to make me feel more comfortable. He is not blaming me or our marriage. He is taking full blame and is answering any and all questions frankly with no negative intonations or attitudes. He asks me if I am ok when I get quiet. So far, I believe him.


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

I'm not sure if I'm in the position to give good advice because I'm all over the place in rebuilding. I'm 1 year into this and wish I was further, but my man wasn't as cooperative as yours for the first 8 months. I believe that would have helped me so much. Take it one day at a time and don't beat yourself up over your confusion. When I trigger- afterwards I replay my actions and work on myself. I can't change him, so I focus on me, healing me. 

In regards to not being 100% if was only an EA...do we ever know the full truth?! I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know their was deceit...can you rebuild, do you want to....that you will gain with time, IC and how remorseful and how hard your partner works on gaining your trust. I hope you find clarity soon. Cheating in any form is devastating and forever changes you. 
For myself I'm still not sure that having All the gory details has helped. Instead of focusing/ recovering on deceit, I obsess on all those details and I believe that has hindered my healing. But as I've read so many stories here, everyone is different. IC will help you find what you need for you, but damn isn't the amount of work the BS has to do, unfair!!


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## northerbelle (Aug 2, 2013)

It is completely unfair!! I basically chant one day at a time. And when he's at work.... My state of mind is just awful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mzflower (Aug 3, 2013)

Oh boy do I get you. The hours, days, months I wasted letting my mind go crazy! I'm just coming to the conclusion that I can't control what he does or will do...he knows the pain he caused, but c'mon no matter how many apologies I hear, he NEVER should have done this to begin with argh! So now my goal is to not waste my time thinking about what he doing, who he's talking to at work (he didn't give me the same thought) its hard, but its helping me....I can only control me! And if he wants me now, its his job to rebuild, to worry where I am when I don't reply to his txt or answer his calls. 
I know you said the 180 doesn't really apply to your situation, but its really about you, focusing on you. Re-read it and try one step a day and it might help take the focus off him "some" while he's at work.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

If his "lady" friend is at work, then it's unlikely they haven't carried on their relationship. I mean, they have to work together. I can see why when he's at work you're having problems. 

No one can say if he is telling you the truth or not. And since he has betrayed your trust & faith and shows erratic behavior it's hard to rebuild it.

So what to do?

I mean, you're in a tough spot. At some point in time you have to make a decision to either trust as best you can and move on or not and then either live with it or move out.


Perhaps you need to develop more of life for you. Take up a new hobby or go out with the girls every couple of weeks (but be good)... Maybe if you can do some things for you it may be possible to put this in a better perspective to deal with.


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## dadeuslote (Aug 7, 2013)

His story hasn't wavered. He insists that she shut him down.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

dadeuslote said:


> His story hasn't wavered. He insists that she shut him down.


Uh-huh.

I got the same stuff form my betraying ex.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Uh-huh.
> 
> I got the same stuff form my betraying ex.


Yup.. me too.

First it was just friends that talked, then just kissed.. then just an EA for a couple months, then a year, then a PA for a couple years, then about four or five years with using my SILs apartment, calling out of work together, her stopping at his apartment in the mornings for years....

Had I just said "I believe her" when she said "EA".... It'd be just more of me not knowing the real story. She'd probably still be sneaking out to meet him.

So yea.. don't believe what the cheater tells you when you catch them. The affair was built on lies, it's what they do, they lie to you... Don't expect the AP to tell you the truth either, they also are lying to protect the affair...


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## mcp0227 (Jul 23, 2013)

I truly feel for u northerbelle...im going through the same thing...when at home all is good when apart, drives me crazy...wish I could help u but im in the same boat...


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