# Wife has re-established contact with AP. How to proceed?



## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.

my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.

then an hour later the thread was deleted!!

I then checked our Sprint logs and she called him right after deleting the thread for 41 minutes.

it’s possible it was semi innocent and she just answered his business qs. But obviously deleting the thread and calling him same say after telling him to call her is super suspicious.
If you were me would you bust her on it right away? Or wait and see if there are more calls and texts that materialize?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


She has decided to end the marriage with an affair.
Now, it's all about division of assets.

Keep the business, if you can, but give her a slightly greater share of the shared assets to end the marriage quickly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would divorce her because she is still a backstabbing cheater who goes behind you and can't keep it above board.

I honestly wouldn't have been with her after the first time.

She is showing you who she is.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Now you know she can't or won't be reformed. 

I'm sorry, man, but the only logical place for you is out. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)




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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I find it unlikely that they have been no contact for the past 9 years, then he suddenly surfaced. It's possible, but unlikely. Can you go back and look at any other call logs? 

It's up to you if you need more information or not. What each person here would do really doesn't matter. 

She broke the agreement you had, and that could very well be enough for you. She proved that she is still hiding things, that she is not trustworthy, and that she still has the cheater mindset. Even if it was an innocent conversation and she just got scared, she still handled it incorrectly. 

I doubt it was innocent though, because that's an awful long phone call. 

If you need more proof that she is up to no good, then by all means, wait around if you can. But if this is enough for you, then it's enough. No need to pain shop.

Personally, if that was my wife (who has cheated) I would lose it. A phone call that long would not be innocent or necessary.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It doesn't matter what the conversation was about. She agreed to no contact. That was a foundational issue in you taking her back. She has now broken no contact and is hiding it from you. The question now is what are you going to do about it?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

You don't do business with an AP. This person should have been blocked.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> You don't do business with an AP. This person should have been blocked.


At least, only the husband does business with the AP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jonty30 said:


> At least, only the husband does business with the AP.


The idea is the get the man out of their lives, not to invite him back in for money!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Cynthia said:


> The idea is the get the man out of their lives, not to invite him back in for money!


👍👍👍


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jonty30 said:


> At least, only the husband does business with the AP.


I agree but the "business" I would conduct isn't approved for TAM consumption.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> The idea is the get the man out of their lives, not to invite him back in for money!


I understand that, but their business may be the only one in town offering a specific service.
He only deals with the husband and gets out. 

I'm agnostic in all things when it comes to business.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Straight to divorce.

DUUUUUHHH.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Logically, your only option now is divorce. You made it a condition of your reconciliation that she go no contact with him. She's now in contact and even worse, is doing it secretly.

Nope.


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## Runcible Spoon (Nov 4, 2021)

Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


I agree with this. Ask her what they talked about. It's not as if they are having another affair as yet.
Btw as soon as you said you had an open relationship in the past it was clear it would probably end in tears.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


Really, Are you that naive? He does that and all he will get is gaslighting, negating, and she smarting and getting deeper into concealment. 

OP should either hold on a little longer to find out what's really is going on, or immediately dump her because of her shady/sneaky behavior on that call which could mean that nothing good is going on. With her actions, she just demonstrated that she can't be trusted.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


All this says is you should have divorced her up front. You don’t sound that naive so it’s probably a conflict avoidant issue you have. You are only a chump if you allow it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wanted monogamy for you and then secretly cheated with another man, and you still married her??????
She’s clearly an incredibly selfish person who is devoid of any conscience. She’s a snake. Why are you bothered by the fact that she bit you? You knew what she was.

But yeah, I’d correct the mistake and put her walking. Deleted messages and contact with AP? There is no excuse for that other than secrecy and bad intent.

I’d move on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


Lots of very experienced people. Stick around and learn.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


It's not anger. Almost everybody here has experience on unrepented cheating spouses. We aren't interested in fooling around with it. 


Cromer said:


> I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


It's always the spouse that has more options that suggest it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


Nope not anger at all. Just knowledge and experience. Why beat a dead horse? Talk from what I’ve seen keeps you in limbo. I’ll tell you since you obvious don’t know but cheaters lie a lot.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Cromer said:


> I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


Self-respect is a lost aspect of today's society


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

She had an affair, she agreed to go no contact, she broke that agreement. She should have told you the min he instagrammed her, she didn’t. Why wait for anything else to develop???


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I would have her served without confrontation. She knows she did the wrong thing. You gifted her with reconciliation before. * Lawyer up now!*


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.


Here's the thing Dawg. Neither of you had a lick of sense getting married. When a couple has an open relationship, one or both are saying, "Hey, what you have to offer is not sufficient and I need other genitalia to fill the void". At that time, she pretty well proved she wanted her end of the relationship open but nachos. After "renegotiations" it seemed to have worked a while, but the curiosity of her old FB may have got the best of her. As a minimum, you need to have a talk with her saying your putting up hard and fast boundaries with a "one more strike you're out" penalty. Many suggest go ahead an giving her the old heave ho. Since you have no evidence it was more then possibly a little peek inside the kimono, cutting her a little slack won't end your world.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Cromer said:


> I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


Good to see you! Hows things going?
It is crazy. I catch another man with wife, im afraid he may leave on gurney, bag optional.

But if i found out another was with my wife...we are done. In my eyes she would be diseased. Sex with her would be a "No Go" and i refuse to stay in a nonsexual marriage.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Was the OM's inquiry related to ultimately doing business with you guys - or simply for his own benefit? 

Are you willing to divorce her based on this contact?

If the answer is no, then I suggest you do not confront because it would drive her underground.

Instead, gather whatever additional evidence you need to make a decision to divorce (VAR in her car, text monitoring software, sync her cell phone with a tablet you have access to, GPS... and/or consider a private investigator).

IMO, if you confront now, she will say the affair was 9 years ago and he's dead to her. And that she didn't tell you about the phone call and also deleted the messages because she knew it would upset you - and it was strictly a business call. It's typical cheater excuses but along with tears it's very effective.

If you do confront (and I can understand that), among other things, inform her that her reconnecting with the OM (plus hiding her tracks) has now destroyed your trust in her. That without trust you can't rely on her explanation of why or what was discussed. And therefore, you will assume the conversation included an inappropriate personal exchange of information that was either fishing or clearly opened the door for further inappropriate contact.

Finally, inform her that (under the circumstances that she created) - she has 100% of the burden to justify contact and prove there was nothing inappropriately discussed (her marriage, the good old days, her regrets, it was nice to hear from him, or her availability/encouragement for further contact). Also: did she say she missed him? Did he say or imply he missed her or wanted further contact (if so what was her response)?

Have her identify the major talking points of the phone conversation (including personal stuff). And then have her summarize what was said under each talking point. Make the talking points as well as each summary all subject to a polygraph.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


If I were you I would just call it. You are going to waste so much time and energy for so very little. Life goes on, you guys didn't work. You played with fire and it blew up. I would be more concerned about saving my bushiness, seems like a better investment. 

Since I am me, I hope you stay together for the innocent people's sake. 

I am curious whose idea it was to open your marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cromer said:


> I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


My man... How is it going dude?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

41 min call, deleted message. Did not speak of it to her husband.
Believing this is Anything other than cheating intent is a huge mistake and a show of weakness that WILL be exploited by his wife.

Id confront after seeing an attorney after having papers drawn and in my hand. If she was anything other than contrite, overly apologetic, basically groveling for another chance—// I’d truly send her on her way.

what she’s done is taken a step toward screwing him. May already be.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

An "open marriage", where only SHE is allowed to hump other guys is called "making you the cuckold". 

probably not your first choice for a relationship!!!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cromer said:


> I will never understand the open relationship thing, which seems to be almost the norm these days.


it is being pushed by all sorts of magazines, websites, and modern movies.

its just another sign of the coming "end of days"


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Some great, consistent advice here and well appreciated.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

bobert said:


> I find it unlikely that they have been no contact for the past 9 years, then he suddenly surfaced. It's possible, but unlikely. Can you go back and look at any other call logs?
> 
> It's up to you if you need more information or not. What each person here would do really doesn't matter.
> 
> ...


Yes, I can access the call logs but it's a tedius process. 

And you're right, the main issue is we based reconciling our relationship on no contact and she not only broke the agreement but she immediately hid her tracks.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> it is being pushed by all sorts of magazines, websites, and modern movies.
> 
> its just another sign of the coming "end of days"


An open relationship can work IF there is absolute trust, and both partners have to have secure attachment, complete honesty. Neither of us have that and we were bad candidates for it. I do know those who it works very well for.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

calidad2 said:


> Some great, consistent advice here and well appreciated. Before I end it, I feel compelled to have a conversation with her.
> 
> If you were me, would you just directly confront her on the thread and the call? Or would you ask a bunch of questions like: "have you had any contact with X in the last 5 years?" "When?" "how did you contact them?" "Calls?" "Texts" Emails?" etc. She'll know right away that I know about instagram but she won't know if I have awareness of other times and I may be able to pull more information out by interrogating her.
> 
> Thoughts?


What’s the point? Can you stay in this without trust? I doubt you’ll get much except, lies, excuses and I’m sorry I got caught.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Excellent advice, thank you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

calidad2 said:


> Some great, consistent advice here and well appreciated. Before I end it, I feel compelled to have a conversation with her.
> 
> If you were me, would you just directly confront her on the thread and the call? Or would you ask a bunch of questions like: "have you had any contact with X in the last 5 years?" "When?" "how did you contact them?" "Calls?" "Texts" Emails?" etc. She'll know right away that I know about instagram but she won't know if I have awareness of other times and I may be able to pull more information out by interrogating her.
> 
> Thoughts?


That depends, is what she has done enough for you to end the marriage? 

If yes, then there is no point for questions. Tell her you know what's up and that you're over. 

If no, maybe you want to base your decision on those answers. In that case, you could ask. If she lies, be prepared to end it. If she tells the truth, maybe there is something to work with. _Maybe._


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

calidad2 said:


> Yes, I can access the call logs but it's a tedius process.


If you're unsure of your decision, it may be worth your time to look into it. I would.


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> Was the OM's inquiry related to ultimately doing business with you guys - or simply for his own benefit?
> 
> Are you willing to divorce her based on this contact?
> 
> ...


Very good advice, thank you.

When I decide it's time to confront, If you were me, would you just directly confront her on the Instagram messages and the call? Or would you ask a bunch of questions like: "have you had any contact with X in the last 5 years?" "When?" "how did you contact them?" "Calls?" "Texts" Emails?" etc. She'll know right away that I know about Instagram but she won't know if I have awareness of other times and I may be able to pull more information out by interrogating her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> An "open marriage", where only SHE is allowed to hump other guys is called "making you the cuckold".
> 
> probably not your first choice for a relationship!!!


He also committed adultery remember.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> He also committed adultery remember.


When did he commit adultery? He mentioned that he found some one before marriage (when the relationship was open), the wife (girlfriend at the time) freaked out about it, and they closed things (but she secretly kept things open).

p.s. I might have missed something???


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## calidad2 (Nov 26, 2020)

Galabar01 said:


> When did he commit adultery? He mentioned that he found some one before marriage (when the relationship was open), the wife (girlfriend at the time) freaked out about it, and they closed things (but she secretly kept things open).
> 
> p.s. I might have missed something???


Yep, you got it correct.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

calidad2 said:


> Excellent advice, thank you.


Sorry but you’ve got what you’ve got. In my opinion I wouldn’t even confront. Hell man she knows what’s up you don’t have to tell her.
All you’re gonna get is the ‘I’m sorry you caught me’. She’ll just hide it better next time. 
IMO you’ve wasted enough of your life on this that you won’t get back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Repeated infidelity happens. You really want to wait around a few more years and get it again? Some do live on hopium and believe in fairy tales.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Galabar01 said:


> When did he commit adultery? He mentioned that he found some one before marriage (when the relationship was open), the wife (girlfriend at the time) freaked out about it, and they closed things (but she secretly kept things open).
> 
> p.s. I might have missed something???


Sorry I meant slept with someone else while they were in a relationship. They agreed in an open relationship and as far as I can tell they have both slept with one other person.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wouldn't end a marriage unless I had real proof that they were again in a relationship. If it was just one or two times of contact then I would wait and see what happens next.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I wouldn't end a marriage unless I had real proof that they were again in a relationship. If it was just one or two times of contact then I would wait and see what happens next.


Even though they agreed to _no contact_ and she broke it and intentionally hid it?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

calidad2 said:


> An open relationship can work IF there is absolute trust


Whats the difference between a spouse you don't trust ****ing another and a spouse you do trust ****ing another? I mean if youre ok with someone stroking her puzzy, why does it matter if you trust her or not? Obviously you don't trust your ol'lady but if you did, she may still bang the other guy. Your trust in her has little to do with what her actions may ultimately be.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Here is hat i don’t understand you knew she was a cheater, you knew she was a lair......you even broke up with her and then you marry her.....you can come back and tell us any excuse you want for marrying her but do you honestly think she was going to change her character....don’t this gullible again....draw up divorce paper throw them on the table and tell her that she can stop lying and cheating or you will file them in 24 hours....do not give her time to get defensive. Stop this insanity now


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


You should just immediately ask her about it so she knows these things don't go unnoticed. I mean there's an outside chance that it was some business thing, but unless they're both in the same rarefied business with no other resource to ask about it, highly suspicious. Don't miss a beat and just go ahead and tell her you know about it and saw that and reminder of your agreement.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> Even though they agreed to _no contact_ and she broke it and intentionally hid it?


I wouldn't jump straight into divorce until I knew more.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Numb26 said:


> Self-respect is a lost aspect of today's society


My wife's ex tried to push her into swinging/hotwife and it nearly makes her sick to talk about the trauma from those days. That's not her at all. But she's not the most assertive person so I can see how she could be manipulated by someone she loves to make them happy at her expense. Thankfully she is in a very safe place now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He already knows his wife is more than willing to bang this guy while she’s with him. This is not her first rodeo. She’s talking to him and deleting her conversations. There will be others. I’d divorce her for the intent, not the deed.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If you confront her with what you know and ask her questions she will dodge, deflect, minimize and trickle truth. 

You'll learn little to nothing and she'll be much more careful going forward and it will be difficult if not impossible to ever learn the truth.


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## Mr Steel (Sep 30, 2021)

bobert said:


> I find it unlikely that they have been no contact for the past 9 years, then he suddenly surfaced. It's possible, but unlikely.
> 
> Speak with her about it. Pay attention to her answers and body language and you'll get the truth. Prepare to split.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


You sound weak.
She has betrayed you.....is lying.....hiding things......and crossing boundaries.
She struck out.
A man who doesn't accept deceit and being crapped on would just tell her he knows and begin divorce proceedings.
You want to give her chance number 3?
Kick the liar to the curb.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


Wow......what weak, pa5hetic counsel.
Betrayal.......hiding.......lying......sneaking........"gauge how she reacts".....as if sticking with her is really on the table.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Runcible Spoon said:


> Wow! Lots of angry people posting!
> My take on it is that you try to talk to her, gauge how she reacts and take it from there. Ask her why she was on the phone so long?


This is the affair partner that broke them up. Why is there to be any question about the course of action? She should have never answered the message from the OM. She should have showed her husband the message immediately. Instead she hides it and calls her affair partner. She made her choice, she can live with the consequences. This is the one person on earth she should never have contact with.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I wouldn't end a marriage unless I had real proof that they were again in a relationship. If it was just one or two times of contact then I would wait and see what happens next.


Why, the deal to get back together was zero contact with her affair partner. She broke the deal for them being in the relationship. She will never tell the truth of how long they have been talking again. Let alone possibly meeting up from time to time over the years. She covered her tracks immediately, who’s to say this hasn’t been going on for years.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Calidad2, do the two of you travel at times for your business?

If so, is it together or alone?

Does your wife interact with other men with her duties with the business?

Has she ever hid anything else from you in regards to the business?

I would confront. If you are going to end the relationship for her hiding the contact she has with her AP then no need to wait. Simply tell her you know that she has been in contact with him and she has one chance to come completely clean. If she lies about it then she can’t be trusted, hand her your lawyer’s card. If she is completely honest, hand her your lawyer’s card.

Do talk with a lawyer before you confront her. Know what you need to do to protect yourself. Use a voice activated recorder to protect yourself from false DV accusations she might accuse you of. It wouldn’t be the first time a cheating wife has done this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP isn’t going to give consequences. He’s happy. He just wants what she is not— an honest woman. Sorry OP.
I think you’re a good dude from what I’ve seen.
Your wife doesn’t value you as she should.
If you were her best friend, she’d have told you when she got the AP’s message. I think you’re just a convenient, easygoing guy, that’s ok to have sex with and a good provider. But her strongest physical desires are for the guy that wouldn’t care to be responsible for her like you are.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You only have one play at this time: file for divorce.
If you do so swiftly and quietly, you might be able to gain the upper hand.
You might stun her enough, that she will be willing to do the work to become a safe spouse and repair the marriage (long shot at best.)
You would be best served to let the divorce play out, and if you truly want to R, you look at a new relationship with safe guards built in for you (prenup and other conditions to make you comfortable.)
However, the best move is to return her to the streets and find someone that truly wants to be in a relationship with you.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


Sorry if you don't want to hear this, but you have to get out. You won't trust her from this point forward, regardless of what her and this other person are up to. The writing is on the wall. You'll end up driving yourself crazy trying to rationalize why to stay and it won't work at the end of the day.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

hinterdir said:


> Wow......what weak, pa5hetic counsel.
> Betrayal.......hiding.......lying......sneaking........"gauge how she reacts".....as if sticking with her is really on the table.


The current state of (so many) men is truly depressing.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This was a serious breach of trust. She was so into this guy that she continued to bang him on the down low. Did she hope to monkey branch but OM was not interested in a real relationship? The guy’s question was nothing but a fishing tactic which your wife swallowed up. She deleted the evidence because she wants time to sample him again. A lot of logistics can be covered in 41 minutes. I agree with most on this board that it was a mistake for you to marry her. She has proven with her blatant cuckoldry that she’s not wife material. All that was missing was her impregnating herself with OM’s seed.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Unless your wife is ready to divorce you (IMO unlikely), she will lie and lie.

Cheaters only admit and speak to what you say you know. You never have to specify what you know or how you know it. Therefore, you're better off asking if she's been in contact etc like you suggested earlier.

Don't let her flip this onto you by calling you crazy etc. Just ignore her protests until she answers the question or agrees your marriage is over. Insist she answer the contact question: yes or no

Unless you're ready to divorce for breaking contact, getting her to admit she broke contact is just the beginning of a long painful & difficult discussion of why and what they discussed ... and how she plans to rebuild your trust.

Breaking contact with the AP is evidence that your wife either has feelings for the man; or she has poor judgement (you be the judge).

After she admits to breaking contact, you don't have to prove it was a 100% business call.

In view of her deceitful behavior and past affair with him, it's now 100% up to her to prove they didn't discuss anything personal or anything that would upset you. And because she was deceitful, proof doesn't include her excuses or promises that nothing inappropriate was discussed.

She needs to identify talking points (headlines) and a related summary - subject to a polygraph. Inform her that the details may make it difficult to R, but withheld information or lying as identified by a polygraph will guarantee divorce.

Remind her that under the deceitful circumstances and her previous cheating, it's reasonable for you to assume the entire conversation was inappropriate and encouraged future contact/meeting face to face.

Your wife's mind will be running over time trying to figure out how much you know and how you found out (including maybe the OM's wife or GF or someone that heard the OM mention he spoke with your wife.

Your wife's uncertainty with respect to how much you know (or how) gives you an advantage. Never reveal that information. Once she knows she'll hide it better the next time.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Straight to divorce.
> 
> DUUUUUHHH.


Being in an open relationship prior, swingers, whatever you want to call it, its all I need to know they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

calidad2 said:


> Very good advice, thank you.
> 
> When I decide it's time to confront, If you were me, would you just directly confront her on the Instagram messages and the call? Or would you ask a bunch of questions like: "have you had any contact with X in the last 5 years?" "When?" "how did you contact them?" "Calls?" "Texts" Emails?" etc. She'll know right away that I know about Instagram but she won't know if I have awareness of other times and I may be able to pull more information out by interrogating her.


It wouldn’t even matter - I’d file divorce papers and have her served!

She is sneaky and will take opportunities as long as you may not find out!
She isn’t even worth bothering with a conversation! She will lie to you!

Do you have kids? If so, have dna tests done ASAP.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Being in an open relationship prior, swingers, whatever you want to call it, its all I need to know they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.


True. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> True. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.


I mean seriously, people that have an open relationship because they like the variety...they all of a sudden say, "No, I want just one person for the rest of my life now"
Sorry, I don't think so. Can someone change to think that way? Maybe. 

But people who have no problem with each other going off and having sex with other people are not marriage material.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

drencrom said:


> I mean seriously, people that have an open relationship because they like the variety...they all of a sudden say, "No, I want just one person for the rest of my life now"
> Sorry, I don't think so. Can someone change to think that way? Maybe.
> 
> But people who have no problem with each other going off and having sex with other people are not marriage material.


Many people think changing rules in midstream will change mindsets in mid-stream.
I see a lot of postings about that on this site. 

Husband wants a threesome. Wife has a better time. Husbands decides threesome wasn't a good idea.
Husbands writes a post about how his wife is being sneaky and he's suspicious of an affair.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Many people think changing rules in midstream will change mindsets in mid-stream.
> I see a lot of postings about that on this site.
> 
> Husband wants a threesome. Wife has a better time. Husbands decides threesome wasn't a good idea.
> Husbands writes a post about how his wife is being sneaky and he's suspicious of an affair.


Even if swingers and open relationship people think they might want to go monogamous, you better believe they desire of that excitement of their previous lifestyle will come back at some point.

I'm thinking swingers will always get bored with trying to go legit.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

drencrom said:


> Even if swingers and open relationship people think they might want to go monogamous, you better believe they desire of that excitement of their previous lifestyle will come back at some point.
> 
> I'm thinking swingers will always get bored with trying to go legit.


I think so too. 
It's kind of like drugs. It's hard to have a life without drugs, if all you have known is drugs.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> Many people think changing rules in midstream will change mindsets in mid-stream.
> I see a lot of postings about that on this site.
> 
> *Husband wants a threesome. Wife has a better time. Husbands decides threesome wasn't a good idea.
> Husbands writes a post about how his wife is being sneaky and he's suspicious of an affair.*


The part in bold is usually the case but in this case it was the wife who changes her mind. The husband agreed to please his wife but she secretly continued having sex with her favorite sex partner. In that case it went from swinging to an affair. This went on for a YEAR. I can only imagine imagine the number of times they hooked up in that year. Knowing how the majority of times a woman will develop strong feelings fir her OM, it is very likely that this affair had an emotional aspect. 

After a separation they try again after a promising NC. 9 years later he sends a bullish.. fishing message to her Instagram about a _business_ question and his wife calls her old affair partner for 41 minutes under the guise of discussing business but then deleted the message from her IM? Did they discuss logistics of secretly getting together again? I would be willing to place a substantial bet that the conversation went flirty very quickly and they discussed getting together just to talk, which everyone here knows is a cover to give his wife so she can try to play the innocent “it just happened “ that women use as though they have no agency.

I really hope that reason OP has not posted in a bit is because he is handling the situation like a boss and not that he’s running off to bury his head in the sand. If he wants protect his marriage, he better act quickly. His wife just seeing the guy will cause all the feelings she had for him to come flooding back in with a vengeance. Can’t remember if he said they have kids or not but restarting an affair usually happens VERY quickly. There will be no courtship, it will be a super fast hook up.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

jsmart said:


> The part in bold is usually the case but in this case it was the wife who changes her mind. The husband agreed to please his wife but she secretly continued having sex with her favorite sex partner. In that case it went from swinging to an affair. This went on for a YEAR. I can only imagine imagine the number of times they hooked up in that year. Knowing how the majority of times a woman will develop strong feelings fir her OM, it is very likely that this affair had an emotional aspect.
> 
> After a separation they try again after a promising NC. 9 years later he sends a bullish.. fishing message to her Instagram about a _business_ question and his wife calls her old affair partner for 41 minutes under the guise of discussing business but then deleted the message from her IM? Did they discuss logistics of secretly getting together again? I would be willing to place a substantial bet that the conversation went flirty very quickly and they discussed getting together just to talk, which everyone here knows is a cover to give his wife so she can try to play the innocent “it just happened “ that women use as though they have no agency.
> 
> I really hope that reason OP has not posted in a bit is because he is handling the situation like a boss and not that he’s running off to bury his head in the sand. If he wants protect his marriage, he better act quickly. His wife just seeing the guy will cause all the feelings she had for him to come flooding back in with a vengeance. Can’t remember if he said they have kids or not but restarting an affair usually happens VERY quickly. There will be no courtship, it will be a super fast hook up.


I'm just stating an example. I'm not intending to mean that it is only the husband. 
I'm just saying that, if faithfulness is not the expectation in the beginning of the marriage, it's almost impossible to really expect it at any point in time in the marriage or for very long any way.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife and I are in a similar "contract".

My guess is that he pinged her on IG, and she was just too damn curious to not respond. Maybe she felt that 9 years was a long enough time of silence so she didn't think it was a big deal. And it was a business thing. Even a business linked account. 

But then the phone call - guessing it was part business, part, "how have you been" catching up. But she knew the rules, and realized she had to hide the contact or you would go ballistic. AP was looking for a reason to talk to her. 100%

All logical. The real question is whether you can live with it, and if you feel this was a one time thing 9 years later, or if this is something she'll likely keep doing.

In your shoes, I would confront. I would tell her to start talking. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her what you saw, and you have a zero tolerance policy and that you will be contacting a lawyer to figure out your options. See her reaction. That threat will get the canary to sing, and then you can judge her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@calidad2, what did you end up doing about this? How are things going?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

calidad2 said:


> My wife and I had an open relationship before we were married. As soon as I started seeing someone she freaked and wanted to go monogamous. Only she kept her side open and turned her other partner into an affair. We split for awhile but eventually got back together and have made it work 9 years. She agreed on no contact with the AP.
> 
> my wife and I own a business together and AP contacted my wife on Instagram. I randomly saw a notification in Facebook because I guess her Instagram account is connected to our business page.
> So I read the thread and he had some business questions and she suggested they take a phone call and gave her number.
> ...


Yes bust her now. Sounds like your marriage is one side open. Not your side


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