# Ending Marriage Due To No Sex



## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

Whew - quite a few posts on the topic; here's my situation:

Been married to an older woman (10 years older) since 2001. We have a great friendship and are raising a good child together but there was never too much of a spark on my part in the beginning.

We never had sex all that much and since year one of marriage it's been really infrequent - I don't know but I would say 5-6 times a year. She could never orgasm unless manually stimulating herself while I basically held my penis inside her and remained motionless. It sucked. She finally admitted earlier this year that she had some hangups about having slept with other guys before me - through my explaining that I DIDN'T CARE or JUDGE HER for it she's gotten better in the 'O' department. The problem is she doesn't like sex much at all and I can't get her to change her mind. She won't do or receive oral, just kinda wants missionary and a little kissing and then done. There is no passion. There never really was. I married her because I cared for her and I saw what an awesome person she was. I never felt the butterflies, the constant ache for the other person so associated with falling in love but so incompatible with long term "proper" love (or so I've read). So, I burn with lust, and have a wandering eye - a lot. 

I am actually in counseling, having realized that I struggle with narcissism. Not the arrogant flavor, but the kind where you have a really low self esteem and are constantly trying to achieve/over-achieve at work, etc. to compensate. I did not realize that she had been emotionally unfulfilled through most of our marriage until I got the courage to start counseling. So, I believe that a good portion of our issue is of course my fault. The part where I am struggling, is that, since it's been this way (low low frequency of sex) from basically the beginning, I still believe we are just sexually incompatible. There was never a honeymoon period where we made out all the time. It's so infrequent I've lost my desire - all I can think about is, "well how long before next time". We talk over and over again about "doing better" but nothing ever changes. Not vacations, trips away alone, more foreplay, wine, etc.

She's all uptight, having been raised in such a religiously conservative home, about the idea of screwing other than for procreation and maintenance. She's admitted it. She's so focused on the concept that this life is brief and we need to worry more about eternity that I could scream. I don't understand why her faith, or Christianity in general, should condemn me to masturbation. And on that topic - she says I can't control myself. 

In my head all I feel is guilt, because I do believe I deserve to chance to be with someone more passionate. On the other hand, I know I've been self-centered and am afraid it's that tendency that is making me want to call it quits. She's a great mom, and a great companion but we just don't want to have sex with one another. It's not getting better; my heart hasn't been in it for some time 

Marriage Counseling ?? Or is it too late ?? I am out of options...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

If she will not agree to counseling to deal with her hangups and to properly understand the Bible, cut her loose and move on. Before a next serious relationship, deal with your self-worth issues and learn to be happy by yourself.

You both screwed up here. She screwed up by not fixing her baggage about sex before getting married. Also, it seems sometimes folks from religious backgrounds have guilt layered upon their hangups in the event of "fornication", as it's called.

You screwed up by marrying someone to whom you were not attracted. Would that have something to do with the low self-esteem issue? Did you maybe overlook some obvious red flags for fear of not finding someone more compatible?

I do agree that the issue probably started with your wife, simply because the sex was never good, and as a result of the bad sex you simply treated her different than you would have otherwise. And, the "lack of emotional connection" card often gets pulled out in these situations as a blame shift - odds are you could have been a perfect husband and still had a crappy sex life. But you still need to figure out why you would marry someone who did not turn you on.

FWIW, Scripture teaches that we are to meet our spouses' sexual needs. Mainstream Catholics and Protestants (brave enough to address the issue) will acknowledge this, although there is a significant minority who will argue this is not so, or that our concept of "need" is warped, etc. So, your wife could have a bad sexual upbringing and your marriage is suffering as a result. Another possibility is that your wife is just not into you sexually - so not into you that she is not providing for you despite her status as your wife and the religious mandate. Food for thought.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well, she's the one who said it...life is short. Move on.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You guys need more than marriage counseling. You should find a sex therapist too if the two of you are willing to try and fix this.

Be warned however that if you truly never had feelings for her, I doubt that either type of therapy will help and if you do go this route, it will be a long time before you see any (if any) progress.

Think about it


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Toffer said:


> You guys need more than marriage counseling. You should find a sex therapist too if the two of you are willing to try and fix this.
> 
> Be warned however that if you truly never had feelings for her, I doubt that either type of therapy will help and if you do go this route, it will be a long time before you see any (if any) progress.
> 
> Think about it


X2 on the counciling









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

My suggestion, go ahead and divorce. Don't waste your time and money on a therapist. You entered into a marriage knowing how she was from the get go, you even stated you had no real butterflies or anything really associated with love. You also stated you were burned with lust and have a wandering eye. 

I highly doubt things will change, she is who she is. You are who you are, and it seems you both are not sexually compatible. You said you cared for her and she was an awesome person, thats great, but not a real solid reason to marry.


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## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

From personal experience there is nothing worse in a relationship (aside from cheating) than not having a fulfilling sex life. As a woman it is just as important to me as saying I love you. You need to make yourself happy because you only live once, but please be respectful to her about it and do it the rigth way by talking to her. Good luck with everything!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Who's child are you raising? I find it interesting that you refer to the kid as "a good child" rather than "my" or "our" child. Not sure how you could feel sexual toward someone who has habitually been sexually unavailable. That doesn't mean you're selfish or indifferent. It means you are human and are trainable. My dog won't keep returning to an empty bowl forever. If I don't put water in my birdbath, the birds won't keep returning to it forever. They aren't stupid. 
If she has an aversion to sex, what's she doing with a husband? You don't need a marriage license to be a buddy.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Try to find a MC that is also a sex therapist. One that uses DR David Schnarch's method. Here's his book, A Passionate Marriage.

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage

Dr. David Schnarch | CrucibleTherapy

At least try professional counseling before you cut and run. IMO

Good Luck/


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## onkendiharon (Sep 17, 2012)

Hey dont know if you will ever get to read this but I was in a similar situation married a lady 6 years older than me we have 2 kids and I love her even after a hard six years of marriage.
She denied me sex for two years, was mostly missionary, refused oral sex to her, didn't allow me to touch her boobs no kissing it was hard been separated for
1 and a half years I married a younger woman six years younger and its been amazing.
At some point I thought there was something wrong with me but after I left and moved on I discovered I may have contributed to the break up but it was not entirely my fault I went through counselling to realize that she may have contributed unconsciously to everything but I had already left and couldn't sum up the energy to go back and work on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrcow (Jan 27, 2010)

I may sound like a broken record, but listen to the wind in a moonless night - what do you hear? "no more mr. nice guy"... "no more mr. nice guy"...

it isn't a miracle drug for all relationship problems, but still it is worth reading.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Bolt73 said:


> Whew - quite a few posts on the topic; here's my situation:
> 
> Been married to an older woman (10 years older) since 2001. We have a great friendship and are raising a good child together but there was never too much of a spark on my part in the beginning.
> 
> ...


If it were me I would take her to dinner and just say what you said hear in this post. then say if you want to work on a satisfying marriage for BOTH of us and that would entail a sexuall relationship ....a good sexuall relationship I'll give MC a try but if things don't turn around within say 6 months then I think we should go our seperate ways.


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## JamesStevl (Sep 19, 2012)

You should find a sex therapist too if the two of you are willing to try and fix this.


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## roverman (Aug 25, 2012)

sounds like you are married to my wife


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> If it were me I would take her to dinner and just say what you said hear in this post. then say if you want to work on a satisfying marriage for BOTH of us and that would entail a sexuall relationship ....a good sexuall relationship I'll give MC a try but if things don't turn around within say 6 months then I think we should go our seperate ways.


I just reread the original post and - eh, I would not even bother with this.

I just saw the part where OP's wife looks down on his MBing (the "lack of self control" card). So, it's not so much that she struggles to meet his need as she does not see his need as valid.

Trust me on what I'm about to say - I speak from lengthy experience. Nothing will improve until she decides to honor your need as you express it. She needs to respect you at least that much. She needs an ultimatum - respect your wants and needs (all of them, not just sex) as valid and equally important to hers, and resolve herself to meet them, or end the marriage.


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