# Can This Marriage Be Saved?



## whattodo25 (Jan 18, 2010)

My husband and I have been separated for a little over a year after only being married two years. I left him because he was very emotionally abusive and he decided to re-enlist in the Marine Corp, after promising me before we married, he was getting out. We had gone to counseling and that didn't seem to help. It escalated into him throwing things at me when we argued and that was my breaking point. Since then, I've let him come visit me a few times. During the visits, if we got into an argument, he still yelled and sometimes put me down, but it wasn't nearly as bad as when we lived together. Before he left for his deployment last May, he told me that when he got back, we were getting divorced. He got back in November, and I had wanted to try and make things work. He said he was done, filed divorce papers about a week ago, and last weekend tells me that he thinks he made a mistake and that he wants to try and make things work with us. This was after he got a DUI recently and tells me that now he wants to get out of the Corps rather than re-enlisting again in two years. 
I'm just not sure he will follow through this time in getting out and also that he has learned to control his anger and not put me down when we argue. He says he has changed, but I'm not convinced. So..now he's thinking about putting a stop on the divorce paperwork, unless I respond and thus, the divorce goes through. Anyone have any advice?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What about the relationship is worth salvaging? You need to do the math. Although given the circumstances you point out, my question is why would you want to stay in a marriage where you are shown so little consideration?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It would be a good idea for him to show you some solid evidence of change on his part. Can he commit to quitting the Corps on paper? Can he demonstrate a plan to control his temper and manage his tongue?

If you want to save this marriage, good for you. Think about boundaries, actions and agreements that you need to keep working on it. Then tell him about them (in a gentle, civil way!) and see how he responds.

Talk is all well and good. Make sure he shows you the action to back it all up.


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## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

If somebody consistently wants out of a relationship, only to change their mind at the last second, it probably means he is afraid of being alone. If you take him back, he might feel grateful temporarily but it won't last long and soon you'll just be back where are now. I don't think it's a good idea to get back together for either of you.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

not enough positive things to take a chance on him, sorry. He needs to know you mean business about him changing the way he is.....his mouth, his anger......when you see that change for a while you can re-consider your decision.....


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## whattodo25 (Jan 18, 2010)

Alexandra said:


> It would be a good idea for him to show you some solid evidence of change on his part. Can he commit to quitting the Corps on paper? Can he demonstrate a plan to control his temper and manage his tongue?
> 
> If you want to save this marriage, good for you. Think about boundaries, actions and agreements that you need to keep working on it. Then tell him about them (in a gentle, civil way!) and see how he responds.
> 
> Talk is all well and good. Make sure he shows you the action to back it all up.


His idea is for me to move back in with him for a couple of months to see how our relationship is after spending over a year apart. However, that would mean postponing my move to Florida from Arizona, which I have had planned for a few months now, and not working for whatever time I'm with him for. He's stationed in a small town about three hours from where I live. SO...not sure what to do. Take the chance and see how things are living together again to see if he's changed, and if the marriage can be saved or let him go now and focus on myself and my own career.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Tough, tough choice. I would suggest that you weigh your priorities and go from there.

I know you may want both (career and time for yourself, yet not a failed marriage), and are tempted to assess the chances of success for either. But if you turn the tables and figure out what is really most important to you right now and concentrate on that, it may work out better.

I feel for you, either way you seem to lose out. And a year can be a loooooong time.


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## whattodo25 (Jan 18, 2010)

Alexandra said:


> Tough, tough choice. I would suggest that you weigh your priorities and go from there.
> 
> I know you may want both (career and time for yourself, yet not a failed marriage), and are tempted to assess the chances of success for either. But if you turn the tables and figure out what is really most important to you right now and concentrate on that, it may work out better.
> 
> I feel for you, either way you seem to lose out. And a year can be a loooooong time.


Thanks! You have been very helpful.  I appreciate your input.


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