# Need an outsiders view.



## frustrated2011 (Jan 2, 2011)

This will be a long winded post to get through all the issues, but I really need an outsiders point of view as I have asked my wife for a divorce.

This is my second marriage, my first was what I feel was due to being lonely in the military and I married my high school flame. She had no drive to better herself, but was a good person. I believe we just got married too young. I met my current wife immediately after that divorce.

Now on to marriage #2.

We got married in 2003 on Christmas Eve. 

For a couple years I was dedicated to my job and I played a video game at night which in turn became an addiction. During this time she tried to talk to me and I just didn't. She then went out and met a guy online and met him for "coffee". I had suspicions about adultery and being a jerk I checked her email and found emails from this guy talking about them having sex under the Christmas tree (he said it was a dream he had). She still says to this day, nothing but coffee was had. While we worked through this I never was truly able to gain trust.

Fast forward about 5 years later, and my best friends wife calls me and tells me my best friend and my wife have been texting each other. Usually at night while I was in bed. Once again I felt like trust has been broken. We are not talking on occasional text, there were texts at 3am, 50 a day or more at times.

We constantly argued, one of us would usually appease the other person for a short time, and things would go right back to normal. For the last 2 years she has slept on the couch. For the last year or so she wouldn't even give me a kiss goodnight and for the last 6 mos she has found an excuse to be over her sisters/mothers house a couple hours away. She would come home long enough to do some laundry, pack up and go do something else over there. Her mother has ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and has had it for about 4 years now. She is not really getting worse she just needed help getting her medicare/medicated in order. Her sister lives 10 mins from her mother, but yet my wife had to be the one over there doing everything. Most of the time she would just stay and watch her nieces or figure out what seemed like just another reason to stay. After being alone for the last 6 mos I finally felt as if it was time to end the marriage as nothing was being done to correct it. We even took Mort Fertel's course a year ago, and while things changed a little, the trust factor I cannot get over. When i talked to her she told me that I am "tiring" to be around. I am a very stressful person by nature and have been since I was about 12 years old.

I am devastated, I have been crying for 4 days straight, I feel guilty for wanting a divorce, I feel bad because she hasn't worked in 8 years. But she does have a nursing degree and is a state registered R.N., so she can find a decent paying job I am sure. She does a lot for my parents and is a great person, I just didn't always feel she was great towards me. 

I work very hard, make a good living and we have gone on 1 vacation. Most of the time the money is spent on bills, or buying / doing things for family members. When I brought up that we need to do things for ourselves before others, it was a huge argument.

People who have been around her have said she is "verbally abusive" and even guys at work have said "you need to put your foot down" on multiple occassions, but I can't feel anything other than "its all my fault." 

I do plan on going to see a therapist as well, but is this normal? Am I over-reacting? After talking to her she agrees that she doesn't think the marriage can be salvaged, but I just keep thinking that maybe there are other options? 

Just so many emotions, feelings of guilt and everything else are just surrounding me. I lost the one good friend that I had and for the last 6 mos have been alone with no one to talk to.


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## frustrated2011 (Jan 2, 2011)

Let me also add that her wedding band broken about 2 years ago and she never even attempted to get it fixed, so she hasn't worn the ring for those 2 years, while I have.

We have had sex 3-4 times in 2 years. I have tried to have sex with her and she is never in the mood.

I know I was not perfect, we consistently spent time away from each other at home. I know we both messed this up, its not one person or the other, but the emotions I mentioned above are still what I feel.


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## Lonely720 (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm in a similiar situation...as the wife...without the texts and thoughts of affairs as your wife had. 

My soon to be ex became very tiring. Nothing was ever good enough. The food I cooked for him, he didn't like. He only wanted meat and bread and it cooked a certain way every single meal. Just this one thing was tiring to me. I got so tired of cooking and eating the same thing that that alone caused fights. 

He also had to have the temperature at an unbearable temp for me. This alone made me want to leave the house and not ever return. I started working as many hours as possible and even staying at girlfriends houses making up the excuses that they were having problems and needed a girls night out. All because the DAMN temperature was miserable for me! I would get chills and even when wearing a sweatsuit/jogging suit. 

His sex drive also dropped all of a sudden. My friends would tell me that was just too odd for him not to be having an affiar. I didn't believe that he was, but I knew something was wrong and I made EVERY attempt to fix it. I made suggestions for our sex life and none were ever accepted. I made suggestions that I regret making, if that tells you anything! His excuse was he always had a headache...and guess what, it was never bad enough to see a doctor, but it was always bad enough for him not to be with me. 

Are you sure you didn't do any odd behaviors that made her want to leave the house and you? Do you snore and refuse to see a doctor? Seriously? 

So I filed for divorce...I have serious concerns since he wouldn't even help himself and I couldn't watch him waste away....but now he wants to help himself and I'm suppose to forgive years of heartache he gave me? 

We also spent lots of time apart. His job kept him out of state 10 months out of the year...I started growing one way and he started growing another way...

Your feelings are validated...Lots of us understand...


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