# Do you regret D?



## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

I'm not sure if it's best to post this here or in one of the D forums, but figured I'd start here since my situation is specific to cheating. I'm a little over a year since D-Day and am leaning more and more towards ending my marriage. Not because of anything that's happened in the last year; ironically much of marriage has been better since the affair than it had been in years. I just can't let go of what she did and don't know that I ever will. 

Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.

Thanks!


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage.


That seems like an extremely high percentage. I am in the same boat, I just really have no desire to work on a marriage with someone who is disloyal. But, I am Wondering if it will be a huge regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

My question is what are the causes for regret?? Is it sharing kids or loosing the family?? And bit of finance. Apart from that what more?? I'm in the same boat, I'm moving towards D but don't want to regret later..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I came to greatly love my STBXW for who I believed her to be: the big-hearted, loving, spiritual, and most-effervescent woman that she was when I had originally met her, and came to know even better.

In time, she displayed signs of becoming somewhat distanced, but was still loving toward me nonetheless~ she just seemed to enjoy doing things more on her own accord and letting me do, pretty much, the same thing!

And while I do miss her personality and assertiveness so very much, I do not miss her latent deceitfulness and clandestine activity at all. But I will greatly miss being around her loving family, i. e. mother, siblings, cousins, and their families.

Let's just say that I, for one, will be quite glad when our divorce reaches finalization. But I will fiercely miss the love that I came to feel from her family!


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I understand how you feel about this. My DDay was back on July 15th, last year.
Its been about 6.5 months. The pain is less than it was, but the memory has not faded.

I suppose if you could see this in a few ways:

To what lengths did your wayward spouse plan on carrying out their affair (i.e. was it just a silly fantasy or were they very serious about it & planned on leaving the children with you, etc.)

Do you have children together? 

Has your WS been remorseful since DDay? 

How long did it take for your spouse to be remorseful?

Have they slipped up any since DDay (i.e. contact with AP)?

Has your WS been deceitful since DDay (i.e lying about affair details)?

Has your WS been doing the heavy lifting in repairing your marriage?


I think going thru a set of questions like this can give you some insight on where you stand.

For instance, if your WS hasn't been very remorseful, slipped up on no-contact, & been deceitful since DDay (like my WW), then you know your answer.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

So Farmer, those are all very good questions and honestly I wouldn't be putting myself through this misery if I had ANY issue with what my WW was up to. She's /we're on very thin ice and she knows it. That's kinda why I specifically said a remorseful spouse that was doing everything they could. 

As a bit more context, I actually had two days. Between dday 1 and dday 2 is honestly the hardest part of this whole mess and the part that's probably unforgivable. Long story short, it went from "a kiss" d-day 1, to underground for about a month and finally figuring most of the details out over a couple of weeks. It was not a fun time and exposed what a monster my wife could be.

Arbitrator, I like your perspective. Well most of it anyway, I'll be fine distancing myself from her batsh!t crazy family - oh the stories i could tell. It's no wonder she cheated. But I digress. I too love many things about my wife and she does a lot to boost my ego (less effing other guys, of course). I often wonder if she is someone I would date if I were single. It's hard to answer about the physical attraction since the beauty that comes from the unknown fades, but she has many, many qualities I admire.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

If my ex was truly remorseful and putting in the work of what it takes for a successful R during the first affair 5 years ago, I would probably regret the D.

But since he wasn't, we never had a good R and then he was starting another EA....yeah I'm so glad we are divorced.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

In my case, I knew absolutely nothing and suspected absolutely nothing out of her. It was only after she announced on one bleary March morning that she needed "distance" and that I would be "moving out" in sync with my youngest son getting out of school in May~and that we could work out our problems from afar.

I, quite dupingly, believed her. Some months after the separation, I then discovered cell phone, texting records, and FB communiques that evidenced not one, but two long-distance EA's/PA's with men from her distant past who she had reconnected up with on FB, all having gone on while we were still living under the same roof as husband and wife, and continued long after the separation~ and even continues up until this very day!

That more than proves the degree of premeditation that she originally exercised! She only wanted me to be far-removed out of sight from her family, and more especially her "new" paramours and love interests.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not my experience but a close friend. He believed it was the dealbreaker, his cheating wife tried her best, was over the top remorseful, he was adamant. A couple of years later life didn't went has happy as he hoped, started seconguessing, anger faded away with time, deeply regreted his raw decisions. He tried his way back... too late, she already moved on.
It seems a very common scenario, the main reason many coulselors, experts nad even lawyers suggest their cloents to calm down before any life altering decision.
Of course if you are too passive nad jump quickly to R only to find out later a false R you regret not taking the D path. NO way to know.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

No, not at all. BUT, it was not a long term marriage, and we didn't have children. I know I made the right decision, and I have been married almost 29 years to my now & forever husband.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

maybe I'm not a good example....my ex said he was remorseful, would call me very tearful, crying, beg for a chance....we'd go in for counselling that he set up, and then he'd be a completely different person....refusing to take all blame, trying to negotiate how much "freedom" he could have in our marriage.

He only showed remorse when it was evident that I was dead serious about ending the marriage. But as soon as I gave any inclination that I might try to work on things, he became c0cky.

So we divorced (messily), and I definitely don't regret it. Truthfully, I don't know how you can ever get that trust back, and I knew I'd be living in insecurity forever, so for me it was the best decision. Absolutely no regrets.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I guess from my above message, I was trying to put the question in the form of a formula or an equation. Its easier for me to see it that way....it helps me see all the factors that I think are important in a decision.

The difference is how much weight you give to each of the factors.

I also think you have to include in this formula, what your WS did affairwise. 
Did they have an EA or PA?

I can honestly say if my WW had a PA, we would be done.....really no need to work it out beyond that. But this is me. Even if we had children, we would be done.

Some people have children & a extensive history with their WS...so this factor becomes a lesser one.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I think it probably is a grey area. I have heard the 80% figure, but I wonder what the questions really were, what bias was introduced, etc. I would bet that the research was done to support the marriage counselling industry. Not knocking it, but I wonder....

It seems that we all have some regrets in life. It seems silly to conclude that 80% of people have regret over D. How much regret would make more sense.

Generally, those that D have less money, less time with children, less security, etc. They have to start over with dating, new in-laws, step children, face social stigmas, and other challenges.

It makes me wonder how the "regret" compares to those that stay in a bad marriage, deal with resentment for infidelity, and all that jazz.

There are horror stories on both sides of this issue. We read about them everyday on TAM.

Sounds like I am writing a "life sucks, then we die" kind of reply. LOL! It might be like Yogi Berra said, "when you come to a fork in the road, take it." And then there is the yellow brick road...

Bottom line for me was that I felt neither one of us would really be happy again until we moved on. She (my WW) would not realize what her betrayal did to me unless we divorced. I would be stuck enduring pain and resentment because of it. Does that really go away?!?

It actually gave me a sense of challenge to move on. The desire to improve and experience life in new ways with new people was good too. 

I take the good with the bad. I don't regret that! In the end I have a fresh start, an beautiful new wife, and new plans for my future. No guarantees, but none of us ever really had them to begin with.

Enjoy the journey. I hope that made some sense, and gives you something to mull over in your state of limbo.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> So Farmer, those are all very good questions and honestly I wouldn't be putting myself through this misery if I had ANY issue with what my WW was up to. She's /we're on very thin ice and she knows it. That's kinda why I specifically said a remorseful spouse that was doing everything they could.
> 
> As a bit more context, I actually had two days. Between dday 1 and dday 2 is honestly the hardest part of this whole mess and the part that's probably unforgivable. Long story short, it went from "a kiss" d-day 1, to underground for about a month and finally figuring most of the details out over a couple of weeks. It was not a fun time and exposed what a monster my wife could be.
> 
> Arbitrator, I like your perspective. Well most of it anyway, I'll be fine distancing myself from her batsh!t crazy family - oh the stories i could tell. It's no wonder she cheated. But I digress. I too love many things about my wife and she does a lot to boost my ego (less effing other guys, of course). I often wonder if she is someone I would date if I were single. It's hard to answer about the physical attraction since the beauty that comes from the unknown fades, but she has many, many qualities I admire.


Trickle truth is a marriage killer. Honesty has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

WonderHow said:


> I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage.


This was a Cosmo survey of women (WS) that cheated and divorced while they were still in the affair (or simply because of it). They did this because they kept advising women to simply leave the M (instead of trying to work it out) if they started to be unhappy. This survey made them re-think that approach.

I'm sure the percentage of BS's that regret D'ing because of an A is much, much lower.

ETA: Might not have been just women surveyed, don't have a link to the reference handy.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This was a Cosmo survey of women (WS) that cheated and divorced while they were still in the affair (or simply because of it). They did this because they kept advising women to simply leave the M (instead of trying to work it out) if they started to be unhappy. This survey made them re-think that approach.
> 
> I'm sure the percentage of BS's that regret D'ing because of an A is much, much lower.


I think there is a difference between regretting a divorce and regretting that you didn't try harder to work on your marriage.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

I initially had some regret. I wasn't the person that I knew I could be and was dealing with a lot of emotional issues from the death of my Mom, death of my dog and subsequent estate battle with her husband that was just plain ugly and disgusting. All of this happened while we were married (short marriage, only 14 months and we only dated 5.5 months). 

We tried MC but even our counselor said that perhaps we shouldn't be married. Even tried reconciling AFTER our divorce was final (in my state you have to be separated for 1 year) but it became apparent that her perspective on life was from the viewpoint of addressing her needs and her needs only. Her partner's needs were secondary and often, if done at all, were met with hostility and resentment. 

I went through some soul searching and realized I was not showing the level of gratitude I felt for her and was reacting to her negative personality instead of staying above it. But in the end, I realized that I couldn't be happy with someone like her. It seemed like no matter what I did, she found fault with it and any time I addressed a concern I had with how she reacted to something, she'd deny, dismiss or deflect. But HAD to discuss all the issues she had with me.

It cost me a bundle (over $50k) for such a short marriage. But I no longer walk around eggshells, have a dog to give me company that she didn't allow, and basically live the life I had before her. No wonder all but one of her relationships have lasted less than 1 year. Unfortunately she wasn't completely truthful about this fact until after we were married. 

So for me, despite the stigma, cost and emotional heartache of being divorced after such a short period of time and probably not having kids, I'm glad we're no longer together. Some day I'd like to get married again but I'll do it much differently next time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> *Trickle truth *is a marriage killer. *Honesty* has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.


I can only wish that I had been *"trickle-truthed"* by STBXW~ perhaps I would have found out about her "extracurricular activities" that much sooner.

A blatant lack of *honesty* would be far more emblematic of her _modus operandi!_ As a cake-eater, STBXW absolutely wanted to be quite sure that the last person on earth that she wanted to know anything about what it was that she was doing, was "yours truly!"


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Bottom line for me was that I felt neither one of us would really be happy again until we moved on. She (my WW) would not realize what her betrayal did to me unless we divorced. I would be stuck enduring pain and resentment because of it. Does that really go away?!?
> 
> It actually gave me a sense of challenge to move on. The desire to improve and experience life in new ways with new people was good too.


You nailed exactly what I've been thinking. I don't see how she can be happy with our marriage with someone who's constantly on the fence about whether they want to be continue or not. And I'm sure the hell not happy and still have streaks of pure resentment where I can barely stand to be in the same room as her.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Trickle truth is a marriage killer. Honesty has more to do with a betrayal than the sex does. IMO.


Could not agree more. In the stream of facts about the affair she only volunteered one nugget of information (and it was a biggie but I would have figured it out eventually). That combined with some of the stuff I found in their skype conversations is something I wouldn't wish on anyone - even her and her AP. 

As someone else said in another post, if it were "just" an EA, I think we could have worked on things. In fact, when I thought it was just a kiss, I really threw myself into working on the marriage knowing full well that there were plenty of things that I was doing to make our situation not all rainbows and butterflies. In the end, I was rewarded with her diving right back into the A (fortunately a$$hat lived in another state so it was mostly online except the two "vacations" they took together).


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I like Farmers questions.. They really ring true. 

As a man who would have eaten sh.it off the floor to keep his wife when I first discovered her affair. 

Now what occurred after I found out is what destroyed any chances for her. Her talking and texting with this OM and having a picture of them together on her phone as a contact was the biggest fu.ck you to me. 

If I was abusive in any way I could completely understand and have to swallow it. But the reality is she had some issues and didn't know how to address them. I take my blame but she didn't need to have an affair to bring these issues to light and she surely didn't have to do the whole Fake R and buying this guy a Xmas present and the calling and texting, along with him having a public facebook page with them as the picture together that she didn't care about either. 

End result if that isn't showing me she has no respect for me, I have no fu.cking clue what does. The only thing that kills me is my kids.. I will miss them when I come home and they are not there to greet me. 

With all of this I love my wife, but reality is I need to bury it deep down and let go. Which I have. 

As was pointed out as well it was Cosmo and dealt with the WS not the BS. Thats a big difference.

My therapist told me I believe it was Harvard University that did a study following families of WS and what happens for 7 years afterwards. Again she told me that 85% of the WS regretted the divorce and felt they should have tried to keep the marriage. The other few percentages did not, but it was also included that in that 15% that a few actually had some sort of abuse going on in the previous marriage so its understandable why they didn't regret it. 

What happens is the WS spouse leaves and they end up fixing the BS for someone else. 

I won't regret the Divorce.. I only regret that my wife made it morally impossible for me to accept her back and that *KILLS ME *because of my kids. I never wanted my kids to grow up like this. Regardless of how you look at it, this sort of sh.it isn't going to sit well with the kids.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Hardtohandle, was your d-day recently? The reason I ask is that it's likely she still has her head so far up her a$$ she doesn't know up from down. If she follows the pattern my WW did, she'll realize the mess she's gotten her self into and try desperately to fix things. 

Only reason I bring that up is to be prepared and know what you will do. I told my WW about 2 months post d-day i was done and her balling kept me from going forward. She made lots of positive changes (which will be good for her and the kids and maybe even me) but a year out I feel like I've wasted a lot of time.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> I'm not sure if it's best to post this here or in one of the D forums, but figured I'd start here since my situation is specific to cheating. I'm a little over a year since D-Day and am leaning more and more towards ending my marriage. Not because of anything that's happened in the last year; ironically much of marriage has been better since the affair than it had been in years. I just can't let go of what she did and don't know that I ever will.
> 
> Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.
> 
> Thanks!


Did they mention the age of the people who regretted D or the number of years they were married?

Edit: I wasn't given a choice. I was forced to divorce her. I wasn't given a chance to discuss anything once she left. I was unable to discuss anything in that state of mind. I didn't come around till some time had passed after the divorce. I was confused by my doctors, my family and my coworkers. Each kept me in the dark and her in the light. I was never able to deal with the issues because they were and are not obvious to me. The only thing which is obvious is my depression. I will never know and her response to me was, "You're a good man, you'll find someone else". I don't know what that means and didn't know how to handle it at the time with all the other issues I was facing. 

Do I regret my divorce? I wish I knew. I don't even know if I should regret it or not. Do I still feel love for her after all this time? Yes. Does that mean a good, healthy true love? I don't know. The lack of truth and understanding is what is killing me. I cannot get past it and I believe her protectors know this would torture anyone. That is why I believe I have no information and had no communication since everything went down. 

There were things that happened which were caused by her actions before and when she left. These actions were not her 'normal' way of handling difficult situations. They were more like how someone who knew nothing about another person would act. Her actions were cold and calculated and cause me to question who she really is. I will never know. This is why I do not know whether or not I regret getting divorced. If I knew the truth, I may be able to find my answer. I may be able to work on me.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> I can only wish that I had been *"trickle-truthed"* by STBXW~ perhaps I would have found out about her "extracurricular activities" that much sooner.
> 
> A blatant lack of *honesty* would be far more emblematic of her _modus operandi!_ As a cake-eater, STBXW absolutely wanted to be quite sure that the last person on earth that she wanted to know anything about what it was that she was doing, was "yours truly!"


It all sucks. Cancer or cardiac arrest. Lol!

*This thread is loaded with great posts!*

So sorry we share a common denominator. It is too bad that we all have these issues to kick around.

I guess our silver lining is finding this forum, gaining new perspectives, and developing new relationships.

Time to shut off the computer, and go home to my new wife! Lol!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

While I wasn't married, I was engaged. 

Definitely don't regret leaving her, in fact in a screwed up way its a blessing. Nearly married her crazy cheating ass.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

WonderHow said:


> Hardtohandle, was your d-day recently? The reason I ask is that it's likely she still has her head so far up her a$$ she doesn't know up from down. If she follows the pattern my WW did, she'll realize the mess she's gotten her self into and try desperately to fix things.
> 
> Only reason I bring that up is to be prepared and know what you will do. I told my WW about 2 months post d-day i was done and her balling kept me from going forward. She made lots of positive changes (which will be good for her and the kids and maybe even me) but a year out I feel like I've wasted a lot of time.


My link tells my story. But in summary

*Sept 25 2012* when I caught her, she said she was done with the marriage..
*Sept 28* I begged to fix this she said yes
*Sept 29* she called OM and told them they were done
*Sept 30* went to Marriage Counseling.
*Oct 1* she got a phone from OM
*Oct 31* I caught her with phone. 
*Nov 1* She gave me and MC story I caught her so abruptly she didn't know how to terminate. MC understood and explained it to me. She was lying of course. She called OM again from MC office and told them they were over. 
*Nov 2* She contacts OM again. I can only assume it was the planned joke between them.
*Dec 30* I discover at least 1 Xmas present for OM. She said she is done, but still lies and say she contacted OM 1 week before Thanksgiving. Why she would lie at this point I have no clue.

All along she told everyone ( me, MC, relatives and friends ) that things were working out.

After Dec 30th the OM facebook page that was private, went public with a picture of him and her together of course along with other photos of them together. 

Add in the texting and calls after that also.

I'm currently waiting for my lawyer for the final redraft of the divorce paper work and she should sign it. Once the 45k clears from one of my retirement funds she will be out of the house. She needs that money to GTFO

12 years ago, about 1 year after first son was born I caught her looking to meet someone online. I got lucky that time I guess. We sort of half assed MC and just brushed it away eventually. 6 years ago she emailed her boyfriend she left for me 19 years earlier. He wasn't the best person with drug issue ( could say worse but I won't ). He is now a drug counselor in Florida. I only seen one email but she admitted to more to our current Marriage Counselor. She admitted to trolling. As my friend said to me, it seemed like we came out of that ordeal stronger and I felt the same way. I felt we understood each other a bit more. The sad truth is one month before our marriage she was looking up someone online. Again I had nothing but that. She begged and pleaded and cried, 30 days before our marriage. I just let it go.

I know, as does my wife and the MC that she has some issues expressing her feeling and issues because of her family up bringing. I can have a short fuse sometimes and she tells me it reminds her of her mother and that makes her calm up. Thats all nice and good, but she is my wife and an adult. Put your big girl pants on just talk to me or call the MC to talk to me.

It seems that she didn't have the backbone to tell me we had issues, but she had more then a backbone to have an affair and then lie to me and still tell me she was done with me along with talking and texting with me in the house and of course lets not forget facebook issues. Which is a story in itself.

End result its not the affair that has ended our marriage its what she did afterwards that I know she will never find the words to express how wrong that was. Trust me when I say if she ever, ever, ever tries to reconcile with me. It will be something that will be viral on youtube. I will admit I was a ball of sh.it when this all started. But eventually the cop in me kicked in and I had more then enough friends to rally behind me. Unfortunately for her I am playing chess in this game of life and she is playing checkers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Recovering a marriage is a long term project with two commited people. You are going to be over it in a year or two. Howeve,r you are not going to be over divorce either. Divorce is just as hard. Infidelity is as bad as a death to a close family member. It takes time to get over it. If there were multiple affairs, divorce is probably the best option, as the rule is, serial cheaters can't change. You have been betrayed, thats a given, recovery or divorce doesn't make that go away.

Reconciliation depends on both partners willing top really work on all of their issues. This keeps the marriage in a good place. Very few people stray from a great marriage though it does happen a lot here. Usually one spouse doesn't have the same rosey view however.

The 80% figure comes from people that are looking at life before and after divorce. Look up the statistics for life after divorce, children of divorce etc. These stats could not paint a worse picture.

And lots of betrayed spouses and wayward spouses take the ultimate way out...........there have been several attempts by waywards here and quite a few people have quit posting abrubtly. I feel certain some of them haven't made it.

One wife posted about her betrayed husband. He said he was going somewhere but went to a motel and ended it. I think maybe that thread was pulled as I have tried finding it several times and can't.

The big thing about recovery is how bad the wayward wants it. There are about three scenarios. The truly repentant, the cake eaters and the noway no how I just want out.

Success means no more lies, if that doesn't happen there will be trouble down the road. Thats why polygraphing and the threat of it is the best choice.

Have you read the wayward wife instructions and just let her go?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Recovering a marriage is a long term project with two commited people. You are going to be over it in a year or two. Howeve,r you are not going to be over divorce either. Divorce is just as hard. Infidelity is as bad as a death to a close family member. It takes time to get over it. If there were multiple affairs, divorce is probably the best option, as the rule is, serial cheaters can't change. You have been betrayed, thats a given, recovery or divorce doesn't make that go away.
> 
> Reconciliation depends on both partners willing top really work on all of their issues. This keeps the marriage in a good place. Very few people stray from a great marriage though it does happen a lot here. Usually one spouse doesn't have the same rosey view however.
> 
> ...


This post should be carved in stone. It is simple. It is true.

The regret issue really is that it happened. It ruined something that you thought was pure and sacred.

It is now your choice to deal with the aftermath, and what you decide is what is best for YOU. 

In the animal world they describe it as having to adapt or migrate. 

Neither is wrong. That is just how it is.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> I'm not sure if it's best to post this here or in one of the D forums, but figured I'd start here since my situation is specific to cheating. I'm a little over a year since D-Day and am leaning more and more towards ending my marriage. Not because of anything that's happened in the last year; ironically much of marriage has been better since the affair than it had been in years. I just can't let go of what she did and don't know that I ever will.
> 
> Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.
> 
> Thanks!


Be careful of statistics. I'll speak of my specific situation.

Do I regret that my two oldest children are growing up in a broken home type of situation...yes.

Do I regret not being married to my ex-wife

HELLS NO!!!!

I have met the most amazing woman and have remarried and have come to realize what a GOOD marriage is supposed to be. I realized just how EFFED UP!!!! my first marriage was on so many levels. How I was just used and abused to get her the life that she thought she'd have with me. She's also remarried since and genuinely seems to be happy and they guy (who happens to be the POSOM LOL) is actually a genuinely good guy (aside from banging my ex wife at the time LOL) More important than that, he's a great step father to my kids. 

I assign 10% blame on the OM and 90% blame on my ex-wife. My ex and I would've never made it regardless of the affair, so part of me is glad the affair happened because it just pushed the issue better, even though I'm in a no fault state, it still helped in my D, and frankly I forgive the OM because he's so good to my kids. He's even brought some sanity to my ex, she was HORRIBLE for the first 8 years after the divorce towards me in regards to my kids and he finally stepped in and set her straight because he was a divorcee who had his ex wife pull stunts with his kids.


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## matt82 (Jun 28, 2012)

My ex tried to fake being remorseful, but only after I confronted her with overwhelming evidence.

I definitely don't regret getting a divorce. My time is my own again and I don't have to put up with all the bull**** drama and headaches.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I'm glad someone liked my questions that I posed.
For me it is like an equation with the variables or factors having different weighted values (these are based on what I feel is important).


Factors to consider:

To what extent was your WS affair...EA or PA?

Do you have children together?

Do you & your WS have an entwined financial situation? 

How long did the affair last until you discovered it? 

To what lengths did your wayward spouse plan on carrying out their affair? 
(i.e. was it a fantasy or was it a very serious relationship where they planned on leaving you & your children, etc.)

Would you consider post DDay a progression into reconciliation?

Has your WS been remorseful at all since DDay?

How long did it take for your spouse to be remorseful?

Was there any fake reconciliation?

Have they slipped any since DDay (i.e. continued contact with AP)?

Has your WS been deceitful since DDay (i.e lying about affair details, trickle truth, etc)?

Has your WS been doing the heavy lifting in repairing your marriage (i.e. going to counselling, etc)?



I guess for me, my family stated it plainly....

"What does your WW have to do for you to say you've had enough."

If you can think about it all this very clearly with a cool head...then I think you can come up with a decision that you can live by.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

I know this is primarily rhetorical but I'll answer anyway...



Farmer_J said:


> Factors to consider:
> 
> To what extent was your WS affair...EA or PA?
> 
> ...


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No!


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## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

Absolutely, I regret having to divorce. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely! Do I think that our marriage could have been saved? No. But that doesn't mean I don't regret having to divorce. I really wish that he had been able to be a faithful man. I would rather have married for life the first time around, as I suspect would most people. 

If you ask me 20 years from now if I regret my divorce, I will probably tell you the same thing. You don't get married hoping to get divorced. 

I think the mistake is in defining regret. Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance, *or* disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

I think I will always be disappointed that it didn't work out. I sure thought it would. But does that mean that you should stay in a situation that isn't good for you? Not even.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

thatgirll007 said:


> Absolutely, I regret having to divorce. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Absolutely! Do I think that our marriage could have been saved? No. But that doesn't mean I don't regret having to divorce. I really wish that he had been able to be a faithful man. I would rather have married for life the first time around, as I suspect would most people.
> 
> If you ask me 20 years from now if I regret my divorce, I will probably tell you the same thing. You don't get married hoping to get divorced.
> 
> ...


I hate you.. This hit home for me. This is also very true and very sad.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

WonderHow,

Your words indicate that you are still early in the process, and weighing your options. It seems that your original question about regret is way to test the waters among us that have had a WS and went on to D.

It was several months for me to chose D and end the R. Limbo is a tough place to be. *Allow yourself to reach your decision at your own pace.* I just read a post on another thread about reacting to DD and taking time to think it through first. There is no deadline for you to decide. One poster was cheated on 12 years ago, and is still trying to decide.

You are in the bottom of a deep emotional hole. Let your strength come to you as you continue to improve for yourself.

Regret will be much smaller as you become more focused on your future, and not chosing based on an emotional reaction to what has happened.

It is like the reverse of courtship. You did not find, date, and marry her in a few days or weeks (I assume). The answer will become more evident as you explore your options, heal your wounds, develop plans, and envision yourself as a divorced person.

In re-reading my posts, I find my bias is toward D. I have very little regret for chosing my path at this point.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

One other thing that helped me was discussing the issue with a 2-3 very close, trusted people that were not emotionally vested in my marriage. They all wondered why I didn't move on sooner.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> I'm not sure if it's best to post this here or in one of the D forums, but figured I'd start here since my situation is specific to cheating. I'm a little over a year since D-Day and am leaning more and more towards ending my marriage. Not because of anything that's happened in the last year; ironically much of marriage has been better since the affair than it had been in years. I just can't let go of what she did and don't know that I ever will.
> 
> Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.
> 
> Thanks!


I'm 6 months from dday and hopefully less than a month from finalizing D. 

There are no words to describe what it's like trying to be around someone that I loved that much and trying to reconcile in my own mind how she could do something like that to me. I likened it to her as a baby who is crying for mother's milk and instead of getting it the baby gets stabbed in the leg, repeatedly. And all the baby can do is cry more and plead more for what it needs, yet the mother just keeps stabbing it in the leg instead.

The decision to D and the physical separation that followed was probably the greatest relief I have ever had in my life. (I don't regret it)

I still don't understand how she could have turned into this person and done this to me, but it no longer occupies all of my head space. 

With all of that said, I love this:



Hardtohandle said:


> What happens is the WS spouse leaves and they end up fixing the BS for someone else.


Edit to add: we have 2 children, 9 and 10. She took them away from me and there is no way in the world that I will ever be able to forgive her for _that_. I could have forgiven infidelity, I think, if she had been properly remorseful. I still cry everyday when I realize I won't see my kids that day.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> WonderHow,
> 
> Your words indicate that you are still early in the process, and weighing your options. It seems that your original question about regret is way to test the waters among us that have had a WS and went on to D.
> 
> It was several months for me to chose D and end the R. Limbo is a tough place to be. *Allow yourself to reach your decision at your own pace.* I just read a post on another thread about reacting to DD and taking time to think it through first. There is no deadline for you to decide. One poster was cheated on 12 years ago, and is still trying to decide.


Yeah I guess relatively speaking I'm early on. It's been a year since d-day. And, yes, you are correct I was looking for input from those who D and whether they felt it was the right decision. I guess for me it also goes into weighing the facts. All this sh!t is so cookie cutter that if a ton of people weighed in that they had regret after divorcing then that would be important for me to know. Curiously no one has. I wonder, though, if that's because you realize that's the path you've chosen and one that's not chosen lightly. In other words, if all of the second guessing was done before finally pulling the trigger.

Just out of curiosity, how many months were you in limbo before deciding on D? For probably the last six months deciding to D or not has been the predominate topic on my mind. The affair is just a secondary though.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> Yeah I guess relatively speaking I'm early on. It's been a year since d-day. And, yes, you are correct I was looking for input from those who D and whether they felt it was the right decision. I guess for me it also goes into weighing the facts. All this sh!t is so cookie cutter that if a ton of people weighed in that they had regret after divorcing then that would be important for me to know. Curiously no one has. I wonder, though, if that's because you realize that's the path you've chosen and one that's not chosen lightly. In other words, if all of the second guessing was done before finally pulling the trigger.
> 
> Just out of curiosity, how many months were you in limbo before deciding on D? For probably the last six months deciding to D or not has been the predominate topic on my mind. The affair is just a secondary though.


i guess you can let things play themselves out until at a point where you ll feel.satisfied with the decision
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Have you read the wayward wife instructions and just let her go?


I have not read wayward wife instructions. I believe I read the just let her go post though. 

I would appreciated info on both though


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> Yeah I guess relatively speaking I'm early on. It's been a year since d-day. And, yes, you are correct I was looking for input from those who D and whether they felt it was the right decision. I guess for me it also goes into weighing the facts. All this sh!t is so cookie cutter that if a ton of people weighed in that they had regret after divorcing then that would be important for me to know. Curiously no one has. I wonder, though, if that's because you realize that's the path you've chosen and one that's not chosen lightly. In other words, if all of the second guessing was done before finally pulling the trigger.
> 
> Just out of curiosity, how many months were you in limbo before deciding on D? For probably the last six months deciding to D or not has been the predominate topic on my mind. The affair is just a secondary though.


Wow! I was thinking that you were only a few weeks past D-day.

Your thought process is virtually the same as mine.

My exWW confessed to a PA after a 5 week separation due to me finding out about her 13 month EA. The PA D-day was in January of 2011. In the last week of May 2011 I discovered a different EA with that she had with my childhood/lifetime best friend. I also found out that she had been lying to my 17 year old son about me and blaming me for all of the contention.

Both of the EAs and the PA were going on at the same time.

My ah-ha epiphany was when my wife became angry at my friend's wife who talked to me one day a couple weeks after I discoved and disclosed the EA my WW had with her husband. 

My exWW was irrate that the BW had said that she couldn't believe that her best friend (my exWW) would do that to her. My exWW said, "she was never a good friend anyway." 

Holy Hell!

Ok. She cheats with two different men, blames me, lies to my son, and betrays her friend? I was married to her for 23 years. I had given her my all in so many ways. Sure, I did a few stupid things when she detached during her affairs, but nothing like that.

I spent the summer of 2011 thinking. I actually had a great time with her. I also began saving money in a new bank account to get out on my own. I point blank told her that I was going to find someone better. Emotionally I was gone, and no longer cared. Divorce sounded better every day.

I also decided to see what women were out there. Not dating, but just looking on the dating sites. Lots to choose from! It made me realize my bruised ego and pain would heal eventually and I would be stuck with a cheating lier that did not do a damn thing to help me recover or support our family life.

I jumped ship at the end of September 2011. Met a new girl about that same time, and started dating again. The D was final in February 2012.

You know what? I waffle to this day about being in limbo for those months. Did I make sure of my decision? Yes I did. I also think I waited a little too long to leave. It took me a long time to allow my emotions to stabilize and my mind to develop a strategy. In my heart I knew I didn't deserve to be put through this. * I deserved a loyal, honest wife. So do you.*
In the end, the regret is that I tolerated her for too long. I also regret seeing my sons suffer due to their shattered home. I regret my younger son believing lies that he was told about me (not my fault).

No regrets finding a new woman and starting over with her.

A long post for me. I sure hope that it helps you and all of those that lurk in pain wondering what they should do too!


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Wonderhow, I divorced my cheating wife (ex wife) as soon after the affair as I could. Since then, I have been questioning whether that decision was wise.
After long thought, I can safely say that it was the best decision I ever made. At the time, I was so full of anger, shame, disillusionment, and mis-trust, what kind of marriage would we have had? Our marriage was in bad shape, even before the affair, so add to that, all of the bad feelings FROM the affair and you have a recipe for hell. By divorcing, I regained my self-esteem, was able to see other Ladies and realize that I'm a pretty good catch. Also it showed her that she was at fault and that what she had with me was far better than her affair partner and punished her for her infidelity. In all marriages where there is infidelity, there HAS to be an acounting. Divorce was our accounting, and it has made life , Post divorce , much , much easier and more fulfilling.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

Interesting question that I am asking myself right now...Will I regret this? I am filing tomorrow morning - we have been separated for 6 months. I am filing not because of her EA itself, I am filing due to the LIES.

All of them added together are larger than the betrayal itself. Some big lies, thousands of small ones. The Lies continue today, and where I have drawn the line is when the WW begins to Lie to my daughter. I assume my WW thinks she is protecting her family with the Lying, in honesty, she is protecting her EA and EAP.

We see in this forum BS and WS R ing, true R with both partners working for the commom good of the family and the R is successful, maybe even come out of the Betrayal stronger -that was my hope when my DDay occured. But I am proceeding with the D due to the lack of concern for my WW's family, her children and myself.

I will go through with this D with a clean and clear conscience without the fear of regret because my stbxw is a LIAR.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Wonderhow, for you to ask this question makes me think you regret or at least have doubts recovering your marriage instead of divorcing your WW.

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. So you have a long way to go.

Was WW and the OM's affair fully exposed?

Is WW doing all that is required to recover, remorse, transparent, cell, passwords, emails, texts, PC, to verify NC?

Has WW answered all of your questions about the affair or is she still trickle truthing you?

Do you and WW still talk about the affair?

Another problem is WW has to quit her job. Going on business trips was her way to hook up with the OM. WW going on trips now have to be a major trigger for you.

There you are left home and you do not know if WW is meeting OM that night. Or if WW if going to a bar and having a ONS.

What is there that happened during the affair that has you bothered so much?

What is bothering you about WW post dday?

Did WW send OM a NC letter?


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

This is brutal. I'm so sorry for your heartache my friend.



Hardtohandle said:


> My link tells my story. But in summary
> 
> *Sept 25 2012* when I caught her, she said she was done with the marriage..
> *Sept 28* I begged to fix this she said yes
> ...


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

theroad said:


> Wonderhow, for you to ask this question makes me think you regret or at least have doubts recovering your marriage instead of divorcing your WW.
> 
> Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. So you have a long way to go.
> 
> ...


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Your state of mind interests me. I was in your shoes that way.

It gnaws at you. It is good most of the time, but you know how unfair and aweful your wife can be toward you. Limbo sucks.

Will it happen again? What will everyone think if I can't "get over it?" Will a D destroy the kids, relationships, finances?"

I have much empathy for you. 

I received some great advice from a woman that I know who was betrayed, divorced, re-married, and divorcing a 2nd time. She said you should make up your mind to try out both sides of the decision; that is you plan and work on D one day, the next try to shift and work on R.

Sounds crazy, but it helps. I started making a mental list of the pros and cons. D won out. I felt better on the D planning days than I did on the R planning days.


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## oldmittens (Dec 2, 2011)

I was married to my wife for 15 years, when I found out about the affair she'd been having for the past two years with my best friend (former best friend now). I initially left but decided to come back and try, I did for a few months but realized I was capable of forgiving but never forgetting. I think that's what did it for me every time I was around her, I could not forget what she did, I tried to move on and in a lot of ways I did, but realized it only way I was ever going to truly move on was without her.

So to answer your question no I don't regret divorcing my wife,to be perfectly honest I think most reconciliations are bad ideas (not to disrespect those who try) Why be with someone that betrayed you, it's never going to be the same again, the trust is gone and while some trust can won back it'll never be the same.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

So it's been a crazy couple of weeks since I last posted. I had to go out of town for work and my wife joined me the weekend before and we made it a mini-vacation. It was around our anniversary and while it was technically an anniversary trip we kind of treated it that way. While I wasn't fully engaged, I still had fun. Then I came home and sh!t felt worse than before. The week I got back was also valentines week and while I've always been a non-valentines day type of guy, there was something about it that left me pissed off about everything.

Then this last weekend we had one of our "talks". The day was going pretty crappy for me already over just a lot of negative feelings and something that shouldn't have triggered me, but did. 

Anyway... I gave it to her. Told her what I was feeling. How down I was on us, etc, etc. I also blurted out "I don't love you anymore". Which on some level is true, but on another is not, if that makes any sense? This opened the flood gates of tears from her and I felt responsible for comforting her when I probably should have maintained my stance. I felt very little emotion when all this was going on, which I think is very telling with where I am.

For the life of me, I just don't know why I can't pull the trigger on this thing. She asked me several times if I wanted to leave and I couldn't just say yes. 

To complicate things there is a pretty significant business opportunity that would involve a move to the UK. But I would only do it if we all went together. So I would have to jump with both feet in with my relationship to take advantage of this business opportunity.

Oh joy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> What happens is the WS spouse leaves and they end up fixing the BS for someone else.


True that. Here we tell them to
Hit the gym to relieve stress. When they re-enter the dating pool at age 35+ alot of their "competition" is not in such good shape.
Know the signs and danger of cheating before it is cheating and can intercept before it becomes an issue like GNO's to clubs.
Alpha up alot of beta males. No they arent full alphas but end up a good mix of both that are alpha enough to command respect.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

It is tough. I remember it well. It feels like things are good again, but the wound is still there.

I remember talking to a friend during my limbo period. I said at that time (deciding to pursue D) it felt like I was shooting a puppy. It is so hard to love someone so deeply, then know they don't love you the same. Likely they never did. Now they seem sad, remorseful, and emotional. Is it real?

Now she probably is realizing how wonderful you are and how she screwed up the good thing she had with you. Maybe she loves you, or maybe she just loves her life with you. Truth is you will never know.

In my mind, I figured I would start with the separation and plans to D. My ex WW made it almost impossible to re-think R because she decided to file herself, act as if I was horrible, etc. The choice became a point of no return. It also made it much less of a regret for me. She did fish a few times after, but it was way too little way too late.

It sounds like you have a work reason to decide now. If you are emotionally detaching, it might be good to get some space away by separating. It would be telling to see how she is when you are no longer with her.

Sorry Bro. This is a heartache no matter what you chose. Look forward as much as possible. Tell yourself next year will be better no matter which path you follow.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

oldmittens said:


> I was married to my wife for 15 years, when I found out about the affair she'd been having for the past two years with my best friend (former best friend now). I initially left but decided to come back and try, I did for a few months but realized I was capable of forgiving but never forgetting. I think that's what did it for me every time I was around her, I could not forget what she did, I tried to move on and in a lot of ways I did, but realized it only way I was ever going to truly move on was without her.
> 
> So to answer your question no I don't regret divorcing my wife,to be perfectly honest I think most reconciliations are bad ideas (not to disrespect those who try) Why be with someone that betrayed you, it's never going to be the same again, the trust is gone and while some trust can won back it'll never be the same.



Old mittens summed up my situation to a T. Sounds like you too.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Wonderhow. There is a reason you are still stuck. First of all you never got the truth from 17 years ago. Have you pressed this issue? 

Second you never got closure. No matter how many buckets of tears she cries, she still got away with one. In a sense she was able to eat her cake and have it too.

Your best bet would be to either D or use the threat of a D for a post nup in order to protect your business. She does owe you this much no? If she says no that will tell you a lot of how she values you and the high quality of life you bring her.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

WonderHow said:


> So Farmer, those are all very good questions and honestly I wouldn't be putting myself through this misery if I had ANY issue with what my WW was up to. She's /we're on very thin ice and she knows it. That's kinda why I specifically said a remorseful spouse that was doing everything they could.
> 
> As a bit more context, I actually had two days. Between dday 1 and dday 2 is honestly the hardest part of this whole mess and the part that's probably unforgivable. Long story short, it went from "a kiss" d-day 1, to underground for about a month and finally figuring most of the details out over a couple of weeks. It was not a fun time and exposed what a monster my wife could be.
> 
> Arbitrator, I like your perspective. Well most of it anyway, I'll be fine distancing myself from her batsh!t crazy family - oh the stories i could tell. It's no wonder she cheated. But I digress. I too love many things about my wife and she does a lot to boost my ego (less effing other guys, of course). I often wonder if she is someone I would date if I were single. It's hard to answer about the physical attraction since the beauty that comes from the unknown fades, but she has many, many qualities I admire.


I can't offer experiential advice, I was married to a wife who was a serial cheater, and I am so glad to be rid of her. If your wife was caught, lied and went underground, and was caught again, this kind of person is not trustworthy or respectful towards you, and this fits the pattern of a constant serial cheater. 

These people are not to be married, in my opinion, and will eventually cheat, again. If you are young, fit, good-looking and with a nice job, you will do very well out there in the dating world.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

So I keep coming back to this thread for the occasional vent.

Last night we were discussing an upcoming overseas trip where she and the kids will be joining me on the second half of a business trip. I realized that we need a "my wife can travel alone overseas with my kids" letter and I made a joking comment "just for this trip". She gets all sullen and says I hurt her feelings and doesn't understand why I would just say for one trip. Maybe she forgot that in my recovered Skype logs I found where she said she would take my kids to be with POSOM if "things got too bad". B!tch. As if I will ever trust her again.

To further complicate the situation, the expat assignment is starting to sound more and more interesting (financially, personally, etc) but it would mean really committing myself to a marriage I'm not sure I believe in anymore. 

There are so many things about my WW affair that I resent. The cost is absolutely enormous and goes far beyond just the emotional damage.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

WonderHow,
I believe your feelings are normal and justified. I think some of the best advice I got when I found out about my WW's affair was not to make any important decisions until my emotions settled. You are under no obligation to make any divorce decisions until you are rationally ready to.

One thing that helped me have patience about the situation was that I was now aware that my WW had giving me the "Keys" to my life forever. You now have the freedom to leave your wife anytime you wish...today...tomorrow...next year...or ten years from now. You are under no obligation to resolve this now. 

Focus on your kids, yourself, a hobby, a passion and put the big heavy decisions on the back burner until you are ready. Your gut will tell you when the time and choices are right.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

As I wrote I another thread I did it. Asked for divorce a couple of weeks ago and now trying to get everything in order to start the rest of my life. I honestly have mixed feelings - excited, sad, etc. 

I'll write plenty more later but have to get one thing off my chest that I'm absolutely furious about. We were talking about telling people tonight and she commented that her effing crazy mother said that they would tell her grandmother that I was leaving because I have girlfriend so as to make it easier on her. Are you effing kidding me. I'm absolutely furious just writing this. No wonder my ww cheated, her mother cheated, her dad most likely did, her brother did (as well as eventually taking his own life). Maybe a few foo issues there. I certainly won't miss that part of my marriage. 

Ok vent over. Will do a more complete update soon.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

It has been almost 5 years since my wife had a PA and I still find my self wondering sometimes if I would of been better off divorcing back then, or even now. 
Other then her getting upset sometimes when I trigger, or when I go through bad times she has done almost every thing that she needed to do. There was a time a first she was upset with me and left for a month so she could work through her resentments, which I have a hard time excepting now that I look back at it. 
I originally didn't want to because I was so insecure after D-day, and I thought I would never be able to find someone else. I am in my early 50's, and have Hep C. The Hep C isn't sexually transmitted but it still has a stigma attached to it. I think that it would make it hard to find another partner, and still do. 
I still have the times where I get the feeling that I might be happier if I was to divorce. My morals have always considered it a deal breaker, and I still have a lot of times where I feel like things will never be the same again. That the betrayal, lying, etc. that went on is not acceptable, and there are no real consequences for her, that she gets off scot free and I am the one that has to deal with her 4 months of selfishness, and self fulfillment.
I had been self medicating during the first 4 years of recovery, so now it's like I am finally having to deal with it because I am not numbing myself out to get through the pain. 
There are a lot of other things that are a player as well that effect my thinking of what to do. I wasn't the perfect husband either.
I just felt the need to reply though because I find myself having these thoughts as well.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't regret divorcing her. 

I regret waiting as long as I did to file.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On a Christian website on marriage and A's, I don't have the link here at work, it had a link to Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz. The article basically goes through a conservative Christian perspective on D. They reference Dr. Phil as giving solid advice without the Christian overtones. Anyway, the link to Dr. Oz was on how to detect if your partner is cheating. It was informative. 

The article on Dr. Phil's website is very useful if you are considering D and actually helps you with that decision. On Dr. Phil's website type in deal breaker in his search engine and it will give you a list of articles. 

R or D is difficult and painful.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I do not regret the D at all. It was my only practical choice. I do think that R is possible, but the WS must be willing to participate in the process and be remorseful.

WD


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

WonderHow said:


> Anyway, I have a question for those who had a remorseful spouse but ended up divorcing anyway. Do you regret divorcing your cheating spouse? I read somewhere that 80% of people who D wish they would have tried harder to save their marriage. I guess I'm just looking for what others may have gone through after divorcing the spouse who tried everything they could to save the marriage after they cheated.


My XW did a lot of things the forum told her to do. She messed it up along the way, but what WS doesn't?
She TT me some. Not to the degree I've seen other BS TT, but I was TT more than I should have been. 
But she did NC and passwords without argument. 
And she acted on her best behavior until the day we finally divorced. 

As for whether or not I regret it...
I don't know if I can honestly give you a straight answer. 
I am coming up on my 1 year DDay anniversary. My emotions are all over the place. 

I think D was right at the time. I had to show consequences would be in place. 
But cutting out the one person in my life who loved me was very painful and very difficult to do. 
Because without love, what is left? 

I don't think I regret it though. It did help me through some very rough times.


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