# What is wrong with me?



## mmjj (Aug 29, 2011)

I am a 29 year old woman and am recently engaged to a 32 year old man. We have been together for a little over a year. The problem is that I have no desire to have sex. When we first met we couldn't wait to have sex and we had sex several times a week. It was very passionate and spontaneous and we did things wherever we wanted whenever we wanted. We talked about marriage very early and I truly thought that he was the one I was going to marry. I went on birth control for the first time after we had been together for 3 months. I completely lost desire to have sex. I switched to another type of birth control and was on that for a few months and it improved slightly but I decided it wasn't worth it and went off it. It has now been 8 months and I still do not have the desire to have sex. It's like we stopped doing it for so long that I don't know how to go back.

I have had problems in past relationships with sex. It is always very good at first and then I lose desire and I stop. The guy then wants to talk about it and I don't know what is wrong or what to tell him. I have always had good excuses before. I was going to college for 7 years and was always stressed out, tired, or too busy. Or it was the holidays and i was working a lot and was stressed. Or it's because I don't feel attractive because I have gained 10 lbs and I don't feel in shape. I made it seem like it would eventually get better and I would want to again but it never worked out that way. 

It is only now with this relationship that I realize that I may have a problem because I thought I was going to marry this guy and be with him forever and those other guys just weren't right for me and that is why I lost all desire for sex. I have not been in school with this guy so I can't use that as an excuse. I have seemed to run out of excuses to give him. I truly do not know why I do not want to have sex. I told him not to bring up the issue with my lack of desire because in past relationships anytime they would bring it up after going so long without sex it would never get better only worst which would ultimately end our relationship. He has brought it up anyways when it started and it has just added to the pressure. I feel like sex is a chore and usually isn't fun and when we do have sex I want it over with. We are not spontaneous and it is strictly in the bedroom. I do not want him to touch me and recently I just feel violated when he tries to. I have turned him down more times than not and he is completely frustrated and has pretty much given up. His mood has changed and he doesn't seem happy to be around me. He thinks that I am not attracted to him anymore. I enjoy sex and whenever it is a new relationship I am very passionate and affectionate and I like to please them. I like the attention they give me and I like to feel loved and needed by them. 

I don't know if I am sabotaging every relationship by losing desire for sex and driving them off. I don't know if the guy I'm engaged to is the right guy now because I have lost all desire to have sex with him. I don't know if for some reason I am scared to get too close to guys that this is what I do so they will break up with me.

I just need some advice on what I can do to get the desire for sex back after months of not having it. It is very hard to go back after you stop. Is this relationship worth holding onto or is it my mind and heart telling me this isn't the guy for me? Is there something wrong with me that is making me do this in every relationship? Do I have a low libido and that's why I don't want to have sex?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

mmjj said:


> *I have had problems in past relationships with sex. It is always very good at first and then I lose desire and I stop. *
> 
> I don't know if I am sabotaging every relationship by losing desire for sex and driving them off. I don't know if the guy I'm engaged to is the right guy now because I have lost all desire to have sex with him. I don't know if for some reason I am scared to get too close to guys that this is what I do so they will break up with me.
> 
> I just need some advice on what I can do to get the desire for sex back after months of not having it. It is very hard to go back after you stop. Is this relationship worth holding onto or is it my mind and heart telling me this isn't the guy for me? Is there something wrong with me that is making me do this in every relationship? Do I have a low libido and that's why I don't want to have sex?


Well, you've done this often it seems which means it's not the guy. I'd bet the moment you break up with this guy and meet someone else, suddenly your libido will be fine and there'll be lots of sex. Then you'll get bored of him, and need to move on.

It seems right now you aren't ready to commit to one guy long term, due to your current nature and desire <or lack thereof>.

The answer is to break up with this guy and move on to the next, and continue to move on as long as that's what it takes to excite you. I wouldn't feel bad as what you've described is how half the guys out there operate. 

Don't get engaged. Don't get married. Be up front with the guys you see that you have difficulty with long term releationships. Most will be ecstatic with that arrangement.

Just realize there is nothing wrong with you, it's just what you want right now. People do change and in a few years you may be ready for something long term. Right now it appears you are not.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the above suggests that mmjj will wish to have multiple casual relationships and has no desire to commit, which I dont think is true from what I am getting from mmjj. I have the feeling that she loves her partner but can't drum up the intimacy that her and her partner deserve from each other

I wish it was easy as female viagra, but there is none (yet). Seek advice from your doctor or OB/GYN first as there may be medical issues involved (or at least rule that out). Next seek counseling, one with sex therapy experience.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Wow, that's a lot of work for someone whose libido is fine, but simply isn't ready for a long term relationship.

I personally don't think you need counseling or sex therapy. You are bored and not ready to commit. Instead of making it into a DIY project, move on and do what will make yourself happy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cross said:


> Wow, that's a lot of work for someone whose libido is fine, but simply isn't ready for a long term relationship.
> 
> I personally don't think you need counseling or sex therapy. You are bored and not ready to commit. Instead of making it into a DIY project, move on and do what will make yourself happy.


The risk is that this is the wrong diagnosis and this puts her in a continual pattern of casual sex and assuming she cannot commit. This may be the case but I don't think it should be assumed. The risks are too large. 

I think she sould seek professional help from a doctor.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you being honest with your self and them about what turns you on?

Or are you seeking out the same type of guys who after a while hold no attraction for you?

I hate taking hormonal contraceptives because they kill my sex drive.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you ever stopped to really evaluate the reason(s) why you lose desire in all of the relationships that you've had?

Are you afraid of making a commitment to someone? We tend to think that only men would feel like that, but it's not uncommon in women too. Are You Afraid Of Commitment? | Lifescript.com

In any case, you need to be completely honest with your fiance about how you feel, and you should not get married until it is resolved.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The pill sucked my libido. After stopping it, within a month, my sex drive was back in force.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> *The risk is that this is the wrong diagnosis and this puts her in a continual pattern of casual sex and assuming she cannot commit. * This may be the case but I don't think it should be assumed. The risks are too large.
> 
> I think she sould seek professional help from a doctor.


This isn't a diagnosis. It's who she currently is.

It's not like she's sleeping with a different guy every day. She's had a few short term relationships that don't carry any long term sparks. I think trying to 'fix' her with meds and by changing who she currently is makes as much sense to me as pounding a square peg into a round hole.

Breaking up and moving on is a far better idea in my opinion, than getting counseling and convincing herself that drugs and therapy are needed.

Anytime a relationship gets to the point of 'I do not want him to touch me' and 'I just feel violated when he tries to' it's time to move on. Anything less and she's just hurting the guy and staying in a bad situation.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

This seems to happen to most women once they are comfortable in a relationship, sexual desire fades unless actively cultivated. I don't think it has anything to do with being ready for a long-term relationship or with the guy not being the "right one". It's normal and can be dealt with by recognizing that you need to actively participate in your arousal. Make the choice to openly explore what turns you on with your partner.


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## mmjj (Aug 29, 2011)

Thanks for the advice and comments. I know sex is different for men and women. I have to feel connected with someone in order to have sex. Men have to have sex to feel connected to someone. For me I like to be clean, good breath, etc. I don't like to have sex in the morning cause I want to shower and shave and brush my teeth. I want to look good for him and I don't want him to think I am unattractive. I also want him to take care of himself and shower and smell good for me. When he stops doing that I feel like he isn't trying to impress me anymore and could care less about being romantic. I don't know how both of us can be connected to each other now and enjoy sex together. I don't feel the connection so I don't want to have sex.

I think I may have lost interest because I am bored and I think I probably do have commitment issues. But I am a relationship person and do not like to be alone. I have been in a 4 year relationship with the first year being amazing the second year so so and last two were not good. I have not been the reason for all my relationships that have ended. I am not a great communicator but I have tried to improve. I think I do not tell my fiance certain things because I do not want to hurt his feelings. Like if he has bad breathe I don't want to kiss him and I pull away. Then he complains that I pull away every time he tries to kiss me. He says it it like I am withholding sex or playing games with him but I am really not trying to do that.

I have been considering seeing a doctor and seeing about getting counseling to see if there are some underlying issues. I think I learned about sex at a very young age and it has always brought feelings of guilt and dirtiness. 

So how do people go about fixing the problem? I do want to work things out with him. He is an amazing person. He is the nicest, would do anything for me, very attracted to me, most considerate person that I have ever known and we are very compatible.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cross said:


> This isn't a diagnosis. It's who she currently is.
> 
> It's not like she's sleeping with a different guy every day. She's had a few short term relationships that don't carry any long term sparks. I think trying to 'fix' her with meds and by changing who she currently is makes as much sense to me as pounding a square peg into a round hole.
> 
> ...


I am sorry I do not know you personally knew this person. I thought you were giving an opinion. My bad.


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

From the guy on the other side (I'm mid 20's married no kids, good provider, otherwise thought my relationship was good) - you can read my thread if you're bored out of your mind:

If it's just not there and will never be again bite the bullet and take Cross's advice. If there's a chance it's something the two of you can work on, TELL HIM. Make him read some crap on here. Tell him that you even care enough to ask for advice about it.

I've tried everything. I once showered four times in a day because I kept anticipating a moment (but then it'd be yard work or go to the gym etc). Good Hygiene? check. Teeth? check. Dressed well? check. Doing things she liked? check. 45 minute back rub? check. 

Straight to bed? check.

If I could have been given any advice at all I would have taken it. If I had any indication that she cared or was trying to sort things out/work on it it would make me a lot more patient.

And if she's comfortable with the life I'm providing but has checked out on intimacy permanently? Shoot me.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

First quote is for you, Entropy. 



Cross said:


> Breaking up and moving on is a far better idea *in my opinion*, than getting counseling and convincing herself that drugs and therapy are needed.
> 
> *Anytime a relationship gets to* the point of *'I do not want him to touch me'* and '*I just feel violated when he tries to*' it's time to move on. Anything less and she's just hurting the guy and staying in a bad situation.


I have bolded the money quotes you have not addressed. You are singing two different tunes here, you know.



mmjj said:


> I think I may have lost interest because I am bored and I think I probably do have commitment issues. But I am a relationship person and do not like to be alone.


So, you're going to mislead this guy that repulses you and deny him what is basic to a relationship so you don't have to be alone? I was wrong, you do have issues. I assumed you just hadn't met the right guy and weren't ready for a deeper commitment. I still think this is the case, but you seem to have a fundamental communications issue. The problem is you have all the issues people hit after many years of marriage, and you guys are dating still and haven't even tied the knot yet.



mmjj said:


> I do want to work things out with him. He is an amazing person. He is the nicest, would do anything for me, very attracted to me, most considerate person that I have ever known and we are very compatible.


Yet he repulses you and you have no physical attraction to him currently. I think you should indeed go read Dearhusband's post and realize you are the same as his girl. 

I feel sorry for the guy you are with.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

dearhusband said:


> Straight to bed? check.


I've been there many times too. You do so much, everything seems wonderful, and then... nope. It is so confusing and frustrating because there comes a point where sex is the logical culmination of the romantic experience you are having, yet she suddenly has no interest. All the things she says she wants you to do for her don't do it for her. Yet you can be a c0cky jerk and she is all over you.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

mmjj said:


> I think I do not tell my fiance certain things because I do not want to hurt his feelings. Like if he has bad breathe I don't want to kiss him and I pull away. Then he complains that I pull away every time he tries to kiss me. He says it it like I am withholding sex or playing games with him but I am really not trying to do that.


This is the heart of your problem, or at least a major impediment to solving it. You could say something like "I want to kiss you so bad but we both need mouthwash first" and then lead him to the bathroom. Chances are his feelings won't be hurt at all, in fact he'll probably be damn happy to freshen his breath. It might hurt his feelings if you say his breath is bad in a rude way but it definitely hurts his feelings that you pull away every time he tries to kiss you. Instead of intimacy he experiences rejection and you won't even tell him why, even though you attribute the cause to a minor and fixable thing. Do you see the illogic of this? You claim you can't be open with him because you don't want to hurt his feelings but that's exactly what you are doing by not being open with him, you are shifting the blame and perpetuating your problem.


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## mmjj (Aug 29, 2011)

ren said:


> This is the heart of your problem, or at least a major impediment to solving it. You could say something like "I want to kiss you so bad but we both need mouthwash first" and then lead him to the bathroom. Chances are his feelings won't be hurt at all, in fact he'll probably be damn happy to freshen his breath. It might hurt his feelings if you say his breath is bad in a rude way but it definitely hurts his feelings that you pull away every time he tries to kiss you. Instead of intimacy he experiences rejection and you won't even tell him why, even though you attribute the cause to a minor and fixable thing. Do you see the illogic of this? You claim you can't be open with him because you don't want to hurt his feelings but that's exactly what you are doing by not being open with him, you are shifting the blame and perpetuating your problem.


I think I have made a lot of mistakes in this relationship and don't even know at this point if things can be fixed. I know I should have tried to fix the the small problems from the beginning and not let them get this far. My inability to communicate is a major problem. It is even hard to just write what I am thinking now. We haven't talked in two days and he left very upset. This has happened a lot more recently where we won't talk for days. 

It is very interesting to hear the man's side of the story who has a wife like me. From a girl in your wives position I cannot even tell you why I have lost sexual desire. That was my answer to his question when he wanted to talk. I said I didn't even know what else to say and I don't know what's wrong. 

I can see how things fell apart. For one I think it was definitely the birth control I was on for 5 month that changed me. Then when that went he started asking questions about our relationship all the time. Always saying I didn't find him attractive anymore and starting counting how many times he would initiate a kiss or holding hands always saying I never did. He was very patient at first thinking it was the pill and waiting to see if things would get any better. I know he was just trying to fix the problem by talking about it but talking about it made it worse. Then he started pressuring me saying things needed to improve, not just sex, but any affection and him getting my full attention when I was around him. I tried to improve, I started kissing him more, trying to be close. Then one time we had sex, I think I initiated it, I actually wanted to do it and after he said I didn't want to and he made me feel bad about it. He never pointed out any improvements on my part. It was always "you never kiss me first anymore", even if I kissed him five times that day it was still never good enough. He always seemed more negative, probably from the lack of sex, and it brought me down. Another thing I really didn't like is if we go to bed without having sex he doesn't want to talk to me in the morning, another lack of sex issue I know but I'm trying to be better with the sex stuff how do I want to have sex with someone the next day after he tunes me out all morning?

It is only recently that I feel disgusted by the idea of having sex with him and that is why i come for advice to see if the relationship is over at that point or if there is a way to make it any better. I know it isn't just me that needs to change by what I've read of guys needing to "man up" which I can see that making some sense in my relationship. What do you guys who have the wives like me suggest I do and enjoy sex again not just for him but me as well? What can he do?


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## mmjj (Aug 29, 2011)

Also, sometimes i feel inexperienced with sex even though I shouldn't with how many people I have had sex with. But I do nonetheless and some things that other guys have liked he doesn't and he likes other things that I have never done before and don't really know what to do. Maybe I have just felt uncomfortable not knowing what to do so I stopped. And I am not completely naive and have only done missionary but how am I supposed to learn what he likes without feeling completely stupid?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

mmjj said:


> Also, sometimes i feel inexperienced with sex even though I shouldn't with how many people I have had sex with. But I do nonetheless and some things that other guys have liked he doesn't and he likes other things that I have never done before and don't really know what to do. Maybe I have just felt uncomfortable not knowing what to do so I stopped. And I am not completely naive and have only done missionary but how am I supposed to learn what he likes without feeling completely stupid?


I always thought that when you are in an intimate situation with someone, especially if that someone is your fiance, part of the experience is being able to learn from and about each other.

You should work on communicating your fears to him - be honest with him. Let him know that you want to please him and you want him to help you learn how best to do that. You might be more than pleasantly surprised at his response. 

Best wishes.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

mmjj said:


> It is only recently that I feel disgusted by the idea of having sex with him and that is why i come for advice to see if the relationship is over at that point or if there is a way to make it any better. I know it isn't just me that needs to change by what I've read of guys needing to "man up" which I can see that making some sense in my relationship. What do you guys who have the wives like me suggest I do and enjoy sex again not just for him but me as well? What can he do?


My big issue is there's a huge difference between low sex drive and 'disgusted and repulsed' by him. The former is fixable. The latter to me seems terminal, and that's why my advice has remained consistent that your relationship seems over.

As a man, it's some times easy to take our partner for granted. By 'man up', we mean do our part, a la foreplay, flowers, candles, mood, touching, and ensuring our partner feels special, appreciated, and loved. The problem I see with you is the same problem I see with DH's wife, in that he does these things and his girl is still 'repulsed' by him. He, like your guy, still loves his woman so he's confused and trying to fix himself when the problem is the girl.

I personally think when a relationship gets to the point where there's anti-magnetism, as in these two cases, it's on borrowed time, be it one month, or ten years.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

mmjj said:


> Also, sometimes i feel inexperienced with sex even though I shouldn't with how many people I have had sex with. But I do nonetheless and some things that other guys have liked he doesn't and he likes other things that I have never done before and don't really know what to do. Maybe I have just felt uncomfortable not knowing what to do so I stopped. And I am not completely naive and have only done missionary but how am I supposed to learn what he likes without feeling completely stupid?


All right, my turn.

You have a plethora of problems. 

Your loathing for your husband is, IMO, a result of your frustration with his frustration -- he hasn't given you the positive encouragement you need to feel better about sex and only seems to dwell on the negative. I say "seems" because you might be like my wife, who has self-esteem issues to the point of literally not hearing positives sometimes. Or you may not, and he might just be angry enough. This is fixable. If you start hearing more encouraging things and start feeling kinder towards him, the feelings of repulsion will fade. 

Secondly, you seem to have a sense of detachment about all this that leads me to think you have some personal relationship issues. Part of this could be the "Happily Ever After" syndrome (otherwise known as "Okay, we're married -- now what?"), a plague on our land spawned from the focus in female sexual psychology on the romance of courtship, not the romance of marriage. In short, you have the cultural models for falling in love, knowing if he's "right", and making your way up the aisle . . . but what models do you have for running a successful relationship? Just how is a "wife" supposed to act? It sounds as if your relationship is stagnating because you're bored -- not necessarily with him, but with the idea of the relationship. If you don't learn (or make up) a new model soon, then one or both of you is going to lapse back into "courting mode" and cheat or file for divorce. While difficult to accomplish, this is fixable.

Then there's the actual sex. Most women (most people, actually) have a tremendous amount of insecurity about sex, only about half of it justified. The sad fact is that most of us don't know more about sex than we get from popular culture, and there's not always a lot of useful data in Sex In The City and Cosmo. It sounds as if you have neglected to study the matter on your own, experimenting with masturbation, erotic fantasy, and knowledge of how both male and female sexuality works. Everything from positions, hormones, stages-of-life, sensuality, and (extremely important) what your partner likes. Truth is, you should have learned all of this stuff before you got married, but didn't. Now you're having a crisis of self-confidence that's making you doubt the sincerity of the relationship . . . and instead of working to fix the problem, you're considering it "ruined" and are considering running away. But you don't have to. Educate yourself. This is fixable.

Finally, here's some cosmic wisdom for you that you should consider: if you aren't happy with how your husband is acting towards you, remember that men need sex in order to communicate deeper emotions, and that rejecting him (and this covers a lot of territory) only encourages him to become more distant and cold, and pushes him to objectify sex and women in general in response. Women, on the other hand, need emotional connection in order to enjoy sex fully, which is difficult to do when your partner isn't speaking to you because you shut him down YET AGAIN last night, and every nerve in his body is taut with rejection, resentment, confusion, low-self-esteem, and doubts about the relationship. 

You want a warm, caring, giving, nurturing partner? Then quit talking about ending the relationship and starting fresh, because you're just going to repeat this again and again. Start learning about your own body and sexuality, and grow an interest in his. Once you both come to an understanding (and a new model for your marriage) you'll both get what you want, most of the time. 

But keep rejecting him? Either he'll cheat or you will. Whatever initially inspired you to want to be with this man, you'd better remember it quick and find a way to re-ignite it, or the marriage will be over.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

mmjj said:


> I have been considering seeing a doctor and seeing about getting counseling to see if there are some underlying issues. I think I learned about sex at a very young age and it has always brought feelings of guilt and dirtiness.
> 
> So how do people go about fixing the problem? I do want to work things out with him. He is an amazing person. He is the nicest, would do anything for me, very attracted to me, most considerate person that I have ever known and we are very compatible.


This seems to confirm what I was thinking before, that Individual Counseling might be the way for you to go. It doesn't seem to be biological - this has happened before and you're off birth control. 

You gave mixed messages: said you think you're bored with the relationship, yet said you want to work things out and he's amazing. Is he the "nice guy" that you keep around for comfort but he's not manly enough to entice you, and he's boring? Or is it truly a match that stimulates you in all other areas except sexually? 

"I think I learned about sex at a very young age and it has always brought feelings of guilt and dirtiness." - this sounds like the most valid piece thus far. When you avoid sex so much that it destroys a relationship you want, then something is wrong, and it goes deeper than what we can help you with. I suggest to start talking to someone to work it out. Even if you drop this relationship, it would seem that this pattern will continue if you don't work through what's going on with you. But don't come down on yourself too hard - many women have issues with sexuality for very valid reasons. If you can work through this, you can have the most intimate fulfilling connection that can keep you close to someone long term, so imo, it's worth it.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

I think Ian may of nailed it, everything he wrote makes perfect sense


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Except Ian missed the rather large detail that they aren't married yet.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP have you considered your problem may have little to do with your man? Post #1 sounds to this lay person at least there is some extreme underlying anxiety. You seem to idle at extremely nervous like constant combat stress. Do you often experience runaway thoughts, out of control thinking? Do you have a great deal of trouble focusing and maintaining attention at something? Do you suffer physical symptoms of chronic stress?


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## Youknowwho (Sep 1, 2011)

You wouldn't happen to be a Gemini would you? The loss of sexual desire in relationships sounds a lot like me. When I meet someone new, it awakens again. That's because I get bored easy. I found that when I try things like sex in public places and other things to mix it up, it helps some. If something is wrong with you, then something is wrong with me. If you really care about this guy and want to be with him, then express to him that you are bored sexually and really put forth the effort to try new things. I found for me that nothing gets me more aroused when I'm bored with someone than having sex somewhere where you can get caught by other people. That usually gets me turned on and going. lol


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I am a bit similar. But the bottom line is, if you are in a relationship, then it is your JOB to have sex with the other person - like it or not. We might not have that particular need but the other person surely does, so its our job to fulfil this part of the relationship. It is not kosher for them to get the need filled somewhere else, so it falls onto us to get the job done. Otherwise, might as well be single. At least then you won't have people nagging at you for sex every single day of the year. But then again, you don't get the lovey dovey things either, so yeah it is a hard decision to make!


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Been married twice and both times the sex diminished after marriage, and alot of guys I talked to say the same thing. They feel once the female realizes the chase is over, so is the sex. explains the frequency of affairs


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## mmjj (Aug 29, 2011)

Youknowwho said:


> You wouldn't happen to be a Gemini would you? The loss of sexual desire in relationships sounds a lot like me. When I meet someone new, it awakens again. That's because I get bored easy. I found that when I try things like sex in public places and other things to mix it up, it helps some. If something is wrong with you, then something is wrong with me. If you really care about this guy and want to be with him, then express to him that you are bored sexually and really put forth the effort to try new things. I found for me that nothing gets me more aroused when I'm bored with someone than having sex somewhere where you can get caught by other people. That usually gets me turned on and going. lol


No I am not a Gemini, I'm a Libra. I think it does have to do with being bored and getting comfortable. That's why it is always good in the beginning of a new relationship.

It has been a rough week trying to figure out how to make this relationship get better. I have thought a lot about the advice given. We had a very good talk about our relationship the other day and we both really love each other and want it to work. I am feeling more attracted to him. It pretty much took me seeing an actual end to realize that that isn't what I want and I am going to work on issues I have and see how it goes.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

NWKindaguy said:


> Been married twice and both times the sex diminished after marriage, and alot of guys I talked to say the same thing. They feel once the female realizes the chase is over, so is the sex. explains the frequency of affairs


This is a two way street. A lot of times the guy puts the relationship in neutral and stops 'chasing'. IMHO If you work on the marriage, much sex will follow. If you don't, well you might be having a lot of sex, but you'll have a miserable girl there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MMJJ--how do you feel emotionally right now? With yourself and also with your partner? Do you feel connected to him? Like you have a good relationship? My libido suffers if I feel my partner isn't connecting with me emotionally.

Another thing -- do you find most of your relationships start wtih a lot of sex and then it dwindles? Do you get off more on the "high" of the beginning of a relationship? Then find yourself becoming bored? Is it boredom? Or do you genuinely not like your partner?

When you sex drive suffers--do you find you aren't turned on at all by anything/anyone? Or just your partner? Meaning, do you still find yourself feeling sexy/wanting sex and maybe just not with your partner?

What things can he do that make you feel turned on? For me, when a man is romantic, it really gets me going. Tell him what things you like/enjoy.

Have you been to see a therapist about this? Any prior abuse? Psychosexual issue? Or hormones? Is sex seen as messy/bad from your POV?


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I too had the problem where after a while in long term relationships I had almost zero desire for sex. In fact, I'd pretty much avoid it like the plague because I'd rather be messing around on my computer, sleeping, doing dishes... anything. Sex was enjoyable when it actually happened but it took VERY low priority in my life.

What changed? I made a conscious effort to make sex a priority. I read a lot and educated myself about sex and what it means to men. I read about healthy sex in marriage. I knew I wanted that closeness that sex brings to a marriage and chose to try my best to achieve it. I turned over a new leaf.

At first it was very awkward as you can imagine. I was not used to being the initiator but after pushing my husband away for so long I HAD to be to fix things. This was very difficult for me and I felt so "not me", and that I was kind of acting, but I just kept thinking "fake it til ya make it". It worked. The awkwardness quickly faded and I was left with a new kind of relationship; one that I'd never really had before. It was all worth it.

I know it sounds rigid, but I started making little rules for myself to try to stay on track. I still do this sometimes when I feel I've been slacking. For example, at the time I initiated the change we were having sex maybe once a month at best. So I told myself I had to make the time for sex twice a week, initiating both times if he didn't, no excuses. I once made a rule I had to just give him a good BJ w/ no sex or reciprocation, once a month. It sounds silly, but this helps me keep track of how he's feeling (how much sex/attention he's received) even though these things apparently aren't on my natural radar.

Good luck.


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## leadsled (Jul 18, 2011)

VeryShyGirl said:


> I too had the problem where after a while in long term relationships I had almost zero desire for sex. In fact, I'd pretty much avoid it like the plague because I'd rather be messing around on my computer, sleeping, doing dishes... anything. Sex was enjoyable when it actually happened but it took VERY low priority in my life.
> 
> What changed? I made a conscious effort to make sex a priority. I read a lot and educated myself about sex and what it means to men. I read about healthy sex in marriage. I knew I wanted that closeness that sex brings to a marriage and chose to try my best to achieve it. I turned over a new leaf.
> 
> ...


Can this be sent out as a mass email to all of the wives of every guy that visits this site trying to figure out why their W have no libido? Men want and need that connection with their W. We like to feel wanted and desired just as much as women do. It amazing how a good sex life in a relationship can avoid so many of the marital problems. It may not solve them all but it is a good start.


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