# Is 2 years long enough to be patient??



## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

My husband and I have had different sex drives for a little over 2 years now. Mine is high, his is low. We have seen 2 different physicians who confirm his medications are not causing his LD. His testosterone level was low normal, so that isn't it either. He is 46, I'm 39. We've been married for 18 months.

Due to our jobs, we have two separate homes, about 2 hours apart, so we spend about 3-4 days a week together on average. If I could, I'd have sex every day we are together. He, on the other hand, is content with once every week or two. Furthermore, he doesn't like to kiss, other than closed mouth pecks, and doesn't want to give oral at all. 

I have talked to him about my need for intimacy, including kissing, occasional oral, and more frequent sex numerous times, yet nothing changes. I've asked him to help me get off in ways other than sex, even if he isn't in the mood...that hasn't happened either. 

I've simply become frustrated beyond belief and resentful at his apparent lack of initiative to help me meet my sexual/intimacy needs. When I discussed it with him - again - this week, his only answer is that *I* need to initiate sex more and that I can sometimes sit on his face after I get out of the shower. Otherwise, he doens't offer up one suggestion that he can or will do to help the situation.

He is a good man and husband in other ways - he loves my children and would do anything else I asked. My kids adore him as well, as does my family. So I feel somewhat guilty for complaining about this part of our marriage - but it's important to me!

How much longer do I wait? Is an ultimatum the answer? I want him to want me -- I don't really want him to have sex with me out of feeling forced to. I'm at a total loss of what to do next.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

At age 46 it is expected that a man's sexual drive will be lower than when he was 16. However, it will be selfish of your husband if he does not give due consideration to fulfill your sexual needs. 

He already mentioned that he wants you to initiate more. And it doesn't looks like he is withholding, you still have monthly sex, right? So it's the matter of persuading him to also initiate more, and to ramp up the frequency. I am sure all these good people here in this forum could share you their tips and tricks of persuasion.

Some men are slow to respond, but once you get them "in tune", they will respond and slowly rise up to match your level of desire. Maybe your husband is one of those. 

I wish you well in your efforts, Mrs. Rodeo.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Have you asked your husband if he has noticed a change in his sex drive over time or has it always been at its present level? 

It could be that he has had to get used to a lower level of sexual activity in the past (no partner or an unwilling partner) and it will take him time to adjust to your wants and needs (the two are differant). The fact that you are still having sex on a regular basis is a good start and as he has told you he would like you to initiate more then why not do so. Why not see if he wants to role play or change the timing / location / maner of your liason.

IMHO the last thing you should do is try and force the issue with presure or ultimatums.


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paul72 (Jan 22, 2013)

ok....men can fall into a rut of no sex.....plus you may be more saint in his eyes than *****. ...


so he isn't use to it...and he has a hard time seeing you as a sex object....

so how to breske his rut? get him off regular for a while.....blow home all the time...talk dirty...by doing this your stocking his fire again....ya see..his fire is out...you need to light it again..bu

and once he starts seeing uoull ad a sex object again...he'll start giving you what you need...

know this all may sound crude.....but for most guy without ed..... this should get them back to the bedroom 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The low to normal testosterone levels could still be the cause, and your H might want to get a second professional opinion on this.

Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but it is a vitally important part of it and I think neither of you should leave any stone unturned in this regard. How is health, generally, and is he overweight etc?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I agree with Cosmo - testoserone can still be some of the problem. Also you should know that for many men as they age, it takes action to get them going - they don't always just respond quickly without some direct stimulation. This started happening to my husband at about the same age as yours. 

So when he is telling you to initiate more - he may really be telling you he needs you to do more to help him get in the mood - it just doesn't happen so easily like it use too. Laying with him and kissing him may not do the trick any more. He may need you to do direct stimulation to get it up - oral or hand. Also kicking it up with new things can help - new places, dirty talk, new lingerie (but don't feel rejected if he does not get a hard on from visual anymore). Just as women's bodies change during menopause - so do some men's bodies change around this age. 

This book really helped us. We read it together. The massage technigues really work. 

All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 - 
Barbara Keesling Ph.D


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

secondrodeo said:


> My husband and I have had different sex drives for a little over 2 years now.
> 
> We've been married for 18 months.


Why did you marry a man when you knew this was a problem? Did you think it would change?

I think you settled thinking all his other great qualities would make up for the lack of intimacy. 

It won't.


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

First of all, he was single for many years (15) before we started dating. He masturbated every day at least once a day. We had frequent sex early in our relationship. It began to dwindle quickly, however. Around that time he began treatment for diabetes and high blood pressure. We asked the Dr to change his meds, thinking that was the problem. We tried 3 different meds, but nothing made his libido better. The Dr assured us that it could take a year for his body to get used to the meds and for his libido to return. It was during this time that we got married, trusting the Doc that things would improve over the next few months. That was almost 18 months ago.

We have had his T level checked twice, by two different docs. Same results both times. (Low normal.)

He has no difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. It's simply his drive that isn't there. 

I've suggested lingerie, he doesn't get turned on by it and says not to waste my time or money. I suggest porn - he used to watch it alot when single, but now he isn't interested. He does, however, look up random boob pics as he is a boob guy. (I'm a 36C, so I think I'm adequate to meet his needs there.) I talk dirty to him, which he likes during sex but not as foreplay or flirting. I sext him when we are working, he won't sext back. 

I appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions as I have no idea what else to try. I'm at my sexual peak, very open to trying almost anything sexually.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Check out the book I suggested abd read it with him.

What happens when you start kissing him and then move to oral on him - does he reject your advances?

Everything you described you have tried is visual - what about hands on initiating?


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## SGomez (Jan 26, 2013)

After reading the other responses, I think I understand more than anyone. When my husband and I first met, it was...crazy, awesome, 8-10 times a day sex, this was 10 years ago. Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up, and i can count on one hand the # of times we've had sex in the last year. And to the person that asked "what happens when you just start kissing him?" Well, mine stick his lips together like a kid getting medicine and lays there a dead fish, and although it took every ounce of f'ing courage I could get to try, yet again, i'm shut down yet again. how many times does a person have to accept flat our rejection. His response "you don't think I miss it too"? meanwhile, he's not doing **** to find out WTF is the problem. So, this leads me to believe, it ain't important to him. So..now what? Who has the answer to that riddle? He's great in every other way, cooks, cleans, is attentive, respectful, thoughtful in other way, we have a total 50% partnership.....btw, he had a T test and it was low so he's been on a patch for 3 friggin years, recently, upped to DOUBLE DOSE for 2 months - no difference. 
Every stupid sitcom or joke you see refers to the woman creating ways to avoid sex with her husband, what about those on the other foot?


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## SGomez (Jan 26, 2013)

YOU offering this "advice" has obviously not tried it in on a man whose not interested. What would you feel like if it actually grew SOFTER when you were trying to get it going? People that haven't been through it shouldn't offer advice on it -end of story


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SGomez said:


> After reading the other responses, I think I understand more than anyone. When my husband and I first met, it was...crazy, awesome, 8-10 times a day sex, this was 10 years ago. Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up, and i can count on one hand the # of times we've had sex in the last year. And to the person that asked "what happens when you just start kissing him?" Well, mine stick his lips together like a kid getting medicine and lays there a dead fish, and although it took every ounce of f'ing courage I could get to try, yet again, i'm shut down yet again. how many times does a person have to accept flat our rejection. His response "you don't think I miss it too"? meanwhile, he's not doing **** to find out WTF is the problem. So, this leads me to believe, it ain't important to him. So..now what? Who has the answer to that riddle? He's great in every other way, cooks, cleans, is attentive, respectful, thoughtful in other way, we have a total 50% partnership.....btw, he had a T test and it was low so he's been on a patch for 3 friggin years, recently, upped to DOUBLE DOSE for 2 months - no difference.
> Every stupid sitcom or joke you see refers to the woman creating ways to avoid sex with her husband, what about those on the other foot?


I can sympathize with you. My h said he had ED but will not do anything either. I was years. I finaily divorced him. But he was not a good husaband in other ways either.. did not help out, was not any company for me, would not work, etc.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

He is 46, with high blood pressure, diabetes, low-normal test levels, possibly overweight, and you're surprised his libido is low?

On top of that, how is your actual relationship? Are you guys in love? Passionately connected? Emotionally vulnerable? Are the waters smoother, overall?


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

jaquen, I have a Masters Degree in Nursing so I am well aware of possible physiological effects of his diabetes, hypertension, medications, etc. However, my concern is that his drive changed dramatically over a short period of time and has yet to return - despite everything I've tried and docs have suggested. 

Our relationship has been blissfully easy and full of love, compromise, and lots of laughter....It's just recently become somewhat difficult because I'm so frustrated. I don't understand why he won't at least help me get some sort of satisfaction, even if he doesn't want to have full sex. It seems very selfish to me. 

I believe I am a good wife and partner to him and he assures me that I am. He says there's nothing more he needs from me to be happy in our marriage. I make more money than he does, and we share all finances equally. I let him do what he wants and enjoys, whether its xbox time, golfing, or simply watching TV. We share chores equally. I show affection often by holding hands, snuggling close when sleeping or watching TV, randomly hugging him, etc. So I'm not sure what else I can or should do to increase his desire for me....


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Get him up off the couch to exercise and lose some weight.

Does he have a porn addiction?


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

He has started exercising 3-4 times per week (running). He has no interest in porn. According to the history on his phone and computer, he hasn't been looking at porn. He also says he hasn't enjoyed porn for a couple years anyway and he won't watch it with me, either.

I'm at a complete loss....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm still not understanding why you, a nurse, is baffled by his drop in libido when the man has more than enough health issues, including low test, weight problems, and just plain aging, to account for even a sudden decrease in libido. Even ONE of those factors can cause issues, but when they're all combined? It's a perfect storm for low drive in a man.

I feel like you're ignoring all the obvious reasons, and searching for some phantom excuse. It seems like the likely issues are staring you right in the face.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Have you point blank asked him why he won't do things to satisfy you? If so what is his answer?


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

Yes, I understand the physiological reasons his drive likely decreased. However, I do not understand why he hasn't attempted to do what I've asked in order to help meet my needs. Even if I weren't in the mood to have sex every time he wanted (speaking very hypothetically here...), I would make an effort to do other things to help him get off, or even have full on sex if that's what he was craving/needing from me. 

As a spouse, I feel a sense of responsibility for meeting my husband's sexual needs. I don't expect him to be completely satisfied masturbating and I don't want him to think someone else has to satisfy them. So I don't understand why he doesn't think of my needs in the same way -- and he can't seem to find the answer why, either.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

secondrodeo said:


> Yes, I understand the physiological reasons his drive likely decreased. However, I do not understand why he hasn't attempted to do what I've asked in order to help meet my needs. Even if I weren't in the mood to have sex every time he wanted (speaking very hypothetically here...), I would make an effort to do other things to help him get off, or even have full on sex if that's what he was craving/needing from me.
> 
> *As a spouse, I feel a sense of responsibility for meeting my husband's sexual needs. I don't expect him to be completely satisfied masturbating and I don't want him to think someone else has to satisfy them*. So I don't understand why he doesn't think of my needs in the same way -- and he can't seem to find the answer why, either.


:iagree:

Mrs. Rodeo, your love for your husband is admirable. I think there is some kind of psychological block for him to recognize your needs. Perhaps counselling is necessary. He needs to see the reality that you are not happy with your sex life, and he as the hubby has the obligations to do something about it.

I am wishing you the best of luck, and may I add, your husband is very lucky to have a caring wife like you.


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## secondrodeo (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you so much for the compliment. I try very hard to be a good wife, partner, and friend to my husband. 

I had actually made an appointment with a marriage counselor a couple of months ago, but the day of our appointment I was hospitalized so had to cancel it. Finances have been very tight so we haven't rescheduled, but I think that it is time to seek more help and answers.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

secondrodeo said:


> Thank you so much for the compliment. I try very hard to be a good wife, partner, and friend to my husband.


:smthumbup:

Barakallahufikum/Barukh HaShem/God Bless you, may God reward you for your efforts.

In the end, we cannot decide the results, it's all in God's hand, but we can decide how much efforts we are going to give. So, I always appreciate it when people giving their best efforts to make a stronger marriage.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

secondrodeo said:


> and doesn't want to give oral at all.





secondrodeo said:


> When I discussed it with him - again - this week, his only answer is that *I* need to initiate sex more and that I can *sometimes sit on his face* after I get out of the shower.


This struck my eyes as strange and interesting. He doesn't do oral but enjoys facesitting? :scratchhead: Perhaps my interpretation is wrong. 

Anyway, are you familiar with his porn habits? Plain vanilla porn or something in line of BDSM?

Maybe he wants to be dominated in bed but for some reason cannot express his desire?


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