# Was So shocked



## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Hi I posted here over a year ago I think about my wife who was having an emotional affair well it turned out to be a sexual affair. I only found out because he kept pictures of the two of them in a motel room that his wife found and told me. She is very remorseful but they still work together. She will not quit her job ...she was offered a job in the same department for more money but turned it down because she would actually have to work hard and wouldn't have time to take calls from the kids or me. Of course she also wouldn't have time to run off to the mall or a close by park or the Holiday Inn either. Anyway she doesn't go out after work anymore and says she doesn't talk to him unless she has to for work, who really knows. I just feel anger . and resentment. To me this hasn't cost her anything although I know she feels the loss of my respect. But no one knows that is close to us. Some people she works with know but they all saw it taking place but none of our family knows. I don't want them to know because I don't want her to lose their respect for her. She only wronged me. My dilema is this we never separated and have put on a good show for the kids who are adults. but I feel like she is with me because of an obligation. She never was very sexually aggressive with me actually she never brought much to the table in that regard. and yet she wanted this other guy. I feel in my mind that if we had separated and it was out in the open she would have moved on because I think the only thing keeping her with me is that she wants to avoid her own embarrassment. I know she loves me and cares for me but I've never felt she lusted for me and it hurts to know she did lust for another man. What do I do?


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## sharon33 (Dec 22, 2009)

Did you find out or she tell you about it.
The best thing is to forgive her and just watch your back for now . Notice that i didn't said forget this is just a reminder that love hurts.If she really loves you she will not do it again.

and another thing , women sex drive pick up much later than men , if she don't think you can satisfy her any more , she will go for what you can't do , but in all respect still loves you.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm in the same boat, a long marriage and my husband decided to have an affair with someone he works with. I know we have not told anyone yet, only a month knowing about it, he says he has stopped all contact with her except for work related things. It's such a tough thing to think that they actually wanted to be with someone else. I think my husband actually feels a lot of shame as well, we have 2 grown children that know and my husband is still trying to come to terms with all that has happened. I don't truly understand what he is thinking these days, which leaves so many doubts and huge trust issues for me. I think it will all depend on what you can live with, fight for her, woo her again like you did when you first met, don't let someone else take her from you after 20 years, don't give up so easily, you can turn this around where you both feel good about each other, it only takes one strong one to keep it going.....
good luck and I hope it all works out for you.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

I was always the initiator for love making. and I always tried different things to get her aroused. She has said to me she was mean that she let outside things get to her and she made me pay the price. for most of our 27 years of marriage. I find it hard to forgive her because of all those years of her making me feel unwanted and then her going after another man who is just like her "the party guy and flirt" and me I'm the really nice guy stable responcible and as my therapist says "wise" but I feel like such a fool and I can't help but be jealous of the other guy because he actually felt wanted and desired by her. She chased after him, she never chased after me. She says I'm a terrific lover but I feel like the obligation maybe if I cut her loose and she chased after me I'd feel different but I'm afraid she'd just move on. and I'd lose this woman I have loved and lusted after for over half my life. But I feel like I deserve to feel desired. and right now I don't, even though she says differently


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Gar888 said:


> Hi I posted here over a year ago I think about my wife who was having an emotional affair well it turned out to be a sexual affair. I only found out because he kept pictures of the two of them in a motel room that his wife found and told me. She is very remorseful but they still work together. She will not quit her job ...she was offered a job in the same department for more money but turned it down because she would actually have to work hard and wouldn't have time to take calls from the kids or me. Of course she also wouldn't have time to run off to the mall or a close by park or the Holiday Inn either. Anyway she doesn't go out after work anymore and says she doesn't talk to him unless she has to for work, who really knows. I just feel anger . and resentment. To me this hasn't cost her anything although I know she feels the loss of my respect. But no one knows that is close to us. Some people she works with know but they all saw it taking place but none of our family knows. I don't want them to know because I don't want her to lose their respect for her. She only wronged me. My dilema is this we never separated and have put on a good show for the kids who are adults. but I feel like she is with me because of an obligation. She never was very sexually aggressive with me actually she never brought much to the table in that regard. and yet she wanted this other guy. I feel in my mind that if we had separated and it was out in the open she would have moved on because I think the only thing keeping her with me is that she wants to avoid her own embarrassment. I know she loves me and cares for me but I've never felt she lusted for me and it hurts to know she did lust for another man. What do I do?


Do you still love your woman? Do you want to heal the betrayal and move on? Do you want your woman to burn sexually for you, like she did for this other man, and also in risking everything for this other man? Do you feel threatened and somewhat jealous of this other man and wonder why it is that you are not even seeing this sexual side of your wife and maybe he did?

You can answer if you want, but it is most likely I know the answers are all "yes".

If you have time to read my profile, to see at this time 75 posts and to pick almost any of them will deal with this same issue: How a marriage will either flourish, or wither and die, because a man is, or is not, keeping his woman sexually attracted to him!

You say your woman was not sexually aggresive with you. How about a more important question, where you never sexually aggressive with her? If she was in the arms of another man then I already know the answer and so do you!

A man that is not dominant sexually to a woman is telling her emotionally that she is not desirable to him, and he is not the man to pursue her. When a woman feels this way, whether it is the facts or not, it is just a matter of time before she will find a man that will light her fire.

Here are the facts: 

1. A woman's sexual drive is just as strong as a man's, and will actually increase as she gets older. If this is not true in any marriage, the problem needs to be identified and FIXED!

2. A woman is not going to be lukewarm to a man. She is either to burn mighty for him sexually, or she is to resent him and when that happens the time for affairs is at hand. A woman may "like" a man, so much as it is even called "lets just be friends", but no matter how hard she may want to, she simply will not be sexually attracted to a man that is not dominant to her.

3. A woman will be irrestibly sexually attracted to the dominant man. This is the man that is control of himself and his environment. This is very important fact. This is the man that is confident and knows what he wants in life and is the man to pursue it, even to the point of letting the woman know this is how it is. When a good man wants to make his woman burn fiercely for him, this is his goal, to be the dominant man. This is uttermost sexually actrive to a woman, and will make a happily married man. 

4. A woman will resent a "weak man". This is the man that is not in control of himself and his environment. This is the man that is not in control of his temper, his addictions, his career, his physique. Also this the man that is not taking ownership of the emotional and sexual responsiblities of his marriage. This is the man that is appeasing the woman, bribing her for sex, begging her for sex, being the "nice guy", and the one who is only happy when his woman "lets" him be happy. This is not sexually attractive to a woman, and is miserable for a married man and will make him wish for the day of his death.

So the point is this: If you are wanting to save your marriage, then you must be more the man that your woman's other man. Even twice or three times this man. 

Tell your woman how YOU feel.

Tell your woman what YOU want.

Be the man to make it happen, and so much the man that your woman sees you will be happy either with her or without her (even if she is feeling this way regardless of your goals) then she will burn mightily for you and this other man will be left in the dust.

I wish you well.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

I was always dominant confident I always made my wife and kids feel safe they always came to me with problems because they knew I would make the right choices. I think my wife got caught up in the old scenario and this was all after we had had some long discussions about "us" what we wanted and expected from each other. She to this day says she thought we had a great marriage but she doesn't know why it happened. just that it did and if I hadn't found out by an anonomous letter from a co-worker of hers because they weren't being very discreet I would still not know. You see the scenario she got caught up in was she lost some weight started hanging out with a woman who just got divorced and was trying to set her up with guys . They would go out after work drinking having a good time then she'd come home to me. I expressed some concern about the amount she was drinking , not that she would go out but she really had no business driving because she was drunk. I was concerned for her and anybody else on the road. I think the fact I'd tell her to be careful and this guy would say have another and lets have some fun led them to strike up the friendship at work that grew into the sexual affair. Their first kiss was after she met him and some of his friends after work and drank to much. But it wasn't an alcohol thing they carried on for over a year at work and when no alcohol was involved . It was just something they had incommon. and I think I came across as a father figure voicing concern. I never yelled at her or forbid her just said I was worried about her driving after drinking. I guess it made me boring to her and he was exciting.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Gar888 said:


> I was always dominant confident I always made my wife and kids feel safe they always came to me with problems because they knew I would make the right choices. I think my wife got caught up in the old scenario and this was all after we had had some long discussions about "us" what we wanted and expected from each other. She to this day says she thought we had a great marriage but she doesn't know why it happened. just that it did and if I hadn't found out by an anonomous letter from a co-worker of hers because they weren't being very discreet I would still not know. You see the scenario she got caught up in was she lost some weight started hanging out with a woman who just got divorced and was trying to set her up with guys . They would go out after work drinking having a good time then she'd come home to me. I expressed some concern about the amount she was drinking , not that she would go out but she really had no business driving because she was drunk. I was concerned for her and anybody else on the road. I think the fact I'd tell her to be careful and this guy would say have another and lets have some fun led them to strike up the friendship at work that grew into the sexual affair. Their first kiss was after she met him and some of his friends after work and drank to much. But it wasn't an alcohol thing they carried on for over a year at work and when no alcohol was involved . It was just something they had incommon. and I think I came across as a father figure voicing concern. I never yelled at her or forbid her just said I was worried about her driving after drinking. I guess it made me boring to her and he was exciting.


You're a very trusting husband, allowing my wife to go out drinking with male coworkers/friends/etc is where I'd have to draw the line in my marriage (even before my wife had an affair but DEFINITELY now). I sympathize with your situation, though, I've been in a very similar situation. I think there is a lot of truth in what BBW has stated above, you can be respectful to your wife but still be the dominant partner in the relationship...since I've taken that stance I've definitely noticed an improvement.


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## Gar888 (Jun 2, 2008)

Cowboy fan I was a very trusting husband!!!! not anymore and she misses that


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Gar888 said:


> Cowboy fan I was a very trusting husband!!!! not anymore and she misses that


You definitely were, and still can be with time and effort from both of you. But it's more than fair for you at this point to set limits and boundaries for her, like no going out drinking without you, etc. Depending on her social life that may seem restrictive, but she should be open to discussing this possibility if she wants to make things better. Best of luck to you my friend!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The problem is, she knows that you're not going anywhere. Your love is no risk. There was risk with the OM. Tell her that you are leaving her and watch her freak. If she doesn't freak.... why would you want to stay. I agree with you. No lust, no love.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Stop the "trusting husband" to you and any other man reading this!

A woman is loving a man jealous over her. No matter what the words may be, based on actions this is the truth.

A woman will resent a man giving her "space" and the man will eventually find this out the hard way, take that to the bank.

Also never tolerate a woman going on "dates" at all. Nothing father figure saying "I'm concerned", but the dominant man instead saying "No". 

And if it's a problem for a woman to respect her man, then her bags can be packed and waiting for her with apartment ads circled in the newspaper. This will immediately clear up any confusion in her mind.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You don't even have to say "no" to her going on dates. That may trigger some oppositional behavior and up the ante.

Just say, "that would be a mistake". Then let her think that over.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I know how hard it is to keep this secret, as we are keeping my H's PA secret from family/friends. But you do need to let go of the resentment, as hard as it is, because that will just eat away at you and make you grow apart. (trust me, queen of resentment here which ultimately led to my H's PA)

Luv is right - are you "wooing" your wife? Are you being the fun/flirt? If that's the qualities that are standing out to you from the OM - then you need to be that too. For women, the emotional connection is huge, that makes the sexual connection possible.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

First of all, if she still works with the guy I would tell her that she needs a new job. This isn't hard to see. If she is around this guy every day there is always the chance that she will be with him again. I'm not trying to be insensitive to your strong feelings for her and your fear of losing her. But reality is she needs to saturate the distance between her and him with her absence...period. I don't see how you could ever trust her otherwise.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hrmm, I know that many of you have dealt with things and are more well read on these things but I can't get past pretending to be something your not. If your dominant be that way, If your not dominant be THAT way! Your wife loves you OR she doesn't. Making her love a behavior which is not yours, well I can't find logic or honesty there.

If you act different than who you are just to get the reaction you want from your wife, will you do this, uncharacteristically forever? And will she even believe it? Will she see through it? 

1. Foget about being "wronged" Your wife is human and allowed to make mistakes. I'm going to guess her purpose for being unfaithful was'nt to purposly hurt you.
2. If you think that she deserves some reprisal or punishment for what she did. Forget Her, you don't love her.
3. If you "love" her, forgive her accept what happend, leave it behind where it belongs.
4. Focus on today and the future. Decide if you BOTH want to be together for the right reasons, go to counseling and learn to communicate.

You also can't get your wife to be trustworthy by not allowing her to do certain things. She can do whatever she wants. I mean, are you going to feel better making her change jobs and not going out KNOWING that you maybe only preventing her future misdeads because your keeping distance between her and the temptation? If she truely loves you and knows that spending time with you is important. Let her actions speak.
Yea, no women i know take well to be "told" they need permission.

Question is for her, Does she want to stay married? If yes, then you two need to figure out how to communicate better. Also through that commmunication it's possible to discover that separation is best.
If you really love her, forget the past, be who you are, make her know how important she is to you. Be honest and open.


I Hope and wish the best for you.


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

> You also can't get your wife to be trustworthy by not allowing her to do certain things. She can do whatever she wants. I mean, are you going to feel better making her change jobs and not going out KNOWING that you maybe only preventing her future misdeads because your keeping distance between her and the temptation? If she truely loves you and knows that spending time with you is important. Let her actions speak.
> Yea, no women i know take well to be "told" they need permission.
> 
> Question is for her, Does she want to stay married? If yes, then you two need to figure out how to communicate better. Also through that commmunication it's possible to discover that separation is best.
> ...


Your idea of not putting demands on your cheating spouse (like no longer working at the job where the other person works), sounds noble on the surface. But the fact of the matter is that trust can only be restored when accountability is there. As someone who has been cheated on and is now restoring our relationship into a wonderful marriage, I can tell you that if your spouse is still spending daily time in the presence of the one they cheated with, it will hinder your ability to trust completely. 

This is not about "demanding" anything from them. This is about creating an environment where you can both feel comfortable with the restoration process. After my wife cheated on me and we both decided to make it work, she "wanted" to do everything she could to make me feel confident that she was serious about breaking off communication with the other guy. I can't demand anything of her, but I can choose the terms for the accountability she must show me. 

Here is an example that may make it more clear. If a person is trying to overcome drug addiction but continues to hang out with drug addicts, their loved ones will never really feel secure that they will not be tempted to indulge again. It seems simple enough to me. So...if a person commits adultery with another and continues to be in that person's presence on a regular basis, they are always open to giving in at a weak moment. Forgiveness is one thing and accountability is another thing altogether.

The cheating spouse has already proven they can not be trusted. If they are truly remorseful for what they did, they would not view the expectation from their spouse of cutting off communication with the "other party" an unreasonable request. Adultery is a horribly painful experience to go through and to overcome it requires exceptional actions on the part of both husband and wife.


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