# So confused



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi, my husband or ex as he insists have been separated for 12 months.. A little background info, 4 yrs ago my husband had serious accident, we nearly lost him, while he was in hospital he lost his bf to cancer. He was basically in hospital for 7 months. He refused counselling in hospital. After he started getting on his feet I noticed small changes in him, he got distant with me, was so angry and he became in my opinion so self absorbed and selfish. Fast tracking two yrs later he was like a different person at times. He had a younger girl working 4 him and I believe maybe an EA was happening. This became a constant fight between us, I was so insecure. Then he was wanting to change his career direction, which I understood on one hand, as his accident was direct result of the at times dangerous job, but on other hand we had made plans, spent money and invested so much time into what we had. This was a dream of his for so long and I couldn't understand his wanting to walk away from it, this of course turned into another battle. In my frustration and desperation I made threats. Anyway he decided that he wanted kids and I to leave his family property where we had lived for almost 16 yrs. I did, I thought he'd quickly come to his senses. But he hasn't. He seems to b enjoying his independence. I get so angry and we fight, which pushes him further away, in the 12 months we have on several occasions been intimate but then he just regresses further.. He's insisting we're through. I keep telling myself that this isn't him, I believe he's going thru mid life crisis or something similar. His childhood wasn't easy, he had and has a mother who suffers from depression and he seemed to take the brunt of responsibility. I don't want to lose him, or our life. We have 3 gorgeous kids who feel their life is torn apart. I know I have to stop harnessing him, but its so hard. I'm scared that if I stop he will move on. I'm so worried that he has feelings for this younger girl, they have so much in common. Actually she kinda reminds me of myself 20 yrs ago, when we were so in love. He has been into life since primary school, I can't imagine my life without him. Does anyone have any advice??


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Raffles and welcome. Its sounds like your H is reacting to the recent stressors in his life. A near-death experience, the loss of his bf, these are huge, and combined with a family history of depression, could have sent him into a tailspin into depression. You can't force him to seek help for it. Hopefully he will, but in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself. 

Read up on the 180 (just search it here on TAM or google it). Following these strategies will help strengthen you so that, no matter what happens, you will be better able to handle it. 

Whatever you do, no more sex. When you provide that you are enabling him to cake eat (have his 'freedom' yet get his physical needs met by the wife he has abandoned). This is not fair to you.

Don't go along with referring to him as your 'ex'. You are still married.

I am concerned that he had you and the children leave the house. It may have been his family's property, but you have some rights here. Talk to a lawyer and find out what they are. I don't want to speculate as to what kind of a man makes his wife and children leave their home. Family property or not, he wants out of the relationship, he should have left.

Are you and the kids getting financial support?

Please find out what your rights are before this goes any further.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I would give him his space and not contact him unless absolutely necessary. No doubt you have made it clear that you want your family back together again, he knows this!
By keeping a distance he will stop seeing you as a source of pressure on him. Try not contacting him for a week or two. You may be surprised at the effect on him. If you don't stop harassing him he WILL move on. He will feel smothered. 
If he is seeing another woman this goes double. Let him miss you by not contacting him.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I would give him his space and not contact him unless absolutely necessary. No doubt you have made it clear that you want your family back together again, he knows this!
> By keeping a distance he will stop seeing you as a source of pressure on him. Try not contacting him for a week or two. You may be surprised at the effect on him. If you don't stop harassing him he WILL move on. He will feel smothered.
> If he is seeing another woman this goes double. Let him miss you by not contacting him.


:iagree:


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Yes he refuses help, says he's ok and this is what he wants. Again it's so not like him or the person he was. When I tell him we r still married even if we r separated, he says the bit of paper means nothing. This in itself is a complete contradiction to how he once thought. Yes I know I have to leave him alone. It's been to hard, I get lonely. I'm hoping by joining the forum ill b at least able to vent and talk. I know deep down what he is doing isn't my fault or responsibility but u get so many conflicting emotions. After 12 months it hasn't got any easier for me.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Sorry meant to say yes we r getting financial help and in this respect when I have needed extra money H helps, however after paying rent, bills there's not any surplus money., I work full time, but god it's tough.. I feel so guilty as the kids didn't deserve this and it eats me up that they don't have what both myself and H had. A family, my kids r at very crucial times in their lives, 15,14 and 11, and not having their family together is something they never imagined either,


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Raffles said:


> Thanks for the replies. Yes he refuses help, says he's ok and this is what he wants. Again it's so not like him or the person he was. When I tell him we r still married even if we r separated, he says the bit of paper means nothing. This in itself is a complete contradiction to how he once thought. Yes I know I have to leave him alone. It's been to hard, I get lonely. I'm hoping by joining the forum ill b at least able to vent and talk. I know deep down what he is doing isn't my fault or responsibility but u get so many conflicting emotions. After 12 months it hasn't got any easier for me.





Raffles said:


> Sorry meant to say yes we r getting financial help and in this respect when I have needed extra money H helps, however after paying rent, bills there's not any surplus money., I work full time, but god it's tough.. I feel so guilty as the kids didn't deserve this and it eats me up that they don't have what both myself and H had. A family, my kids r at very crucial times in their lives, 15,14 and 11, and not having their family together is something they never imagined either,


This forum saved my sanity when my H left. Keep coming. There is lots of support here.

My kids are 23, 21 and 18, and it was hard on them when their father left. We are together again now, but I don't know if the kids, especially the youngest, will ever fully trust their father again. Don't know if I will.

Hang in there.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Does anyone else feel that by doing the 180 it feels like u r giving up and not fighting for what's important?? I mean it all makes sense and I do get it, but one part of me is saying u have to fight for what u know is right. I'm so scared that if I do this 180 completely it will give him the green light to go from EA to PA. I don't know if I will b able to cope with that... OMG this so isn't what I expected when I reached 40. Being 41 now I'm so unsure of my future..


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I have concerns about the 180 too?


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I know it looks like it might have the opposite result to what you hope. On the other hand, is what you are doing now helping? Chasing after your spouses will make you look weak and clingy. You want to show them that the opposite is true. Don't you think they will be intrigued by strong, independent women?

That said, the purpose of the 180 is not to get your H's back. That may prove to be a side effect, but the 180 is for you. You need to become strong and independent in case, and I know you don't want to think about this, your marriages are over. 

Take care of yourselves. You will need all the strength you can find to deal with the future, because whether your H's return or not, you are facing a long, hard road.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

By the way, you don't have to implement all the strategies in the 180. Pick the ones you are comfortable with.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Lee it makes sense, but it is just the opposite to what we would normally do. It feels like I'm giving up and agreeing with him, when that's not what I want. On the other hand I certainly c the benefits of it.. Guess its just hard in every sense.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks frostflower, I know your right. Coming to terms with my marriage being over is difficult and seems ATM impossible. I guess in truth a little of my fear is loneliness and if my H doesn't want me his life long friend and partner then who will? Pathetic I know..


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

There are really two things that I am worried about:

How will my girls take the actions of the 180? Being short with there father and not talking/ doing family outings. As soon as they are finished talking to there dad they hand me the phone
(facetime daily).

That and really just letting him know that I am moving on?

Thanks


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Lee that is same for me. They talk to their dad every night and they automatically give me phone. It's just what they r use to.. It's so hard trying to balance out feelings and knowing that it is hurting our kids.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The "opposite of what would normally be done"

How is the "normal" thing working for you?


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

It's not working Conrad. My head knows that, the heart just can't comprehend it,


----------



## alexlee83 (Oct 20, 2012)

The 180 is hard, and like a previous reply said, you don't have to apply all of them.

What I have done, and it is slowly turning things around with my wife is that we had no contact unless it was for the kids. Then I set about making sure that I was happy. Made myself look good and do stuff that I wanted to do.

She is a little confused with her feelings at the mo, and from 6 months ago when she hated me, has now in the last couple of weeks said that I look good, and she misses "us" but not the stuff that comes with being married. 

I'm not going to jump in but I've seen a turn around of her opinion of me. And that's a start.

Make YOURSELF as happy as you can be with just you and the kids. Get your hair done, and socialise with friends. He will stop seeing you as dependant on him and that in itself is an attraction!!

Good luck


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Thanks alexlee. I'm really going to try much harder. I don't like myself much ATM, so I guess it's hard to expect him to.. Glad things r getting better 4 u.


----------



## alexlee83 (Oct 20, 2012)

And that's where I was at when I first split with my wife. I had to learn to like myself and love my life on my own. I was surprised when she started saying all this nice stuff to me as like I said, she hated me when she decided to leave, and I didn't think she payed any notice to me!!


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Raffles,

After all the talking lastnight I started today strong. The girls were staying at the hubbys apartment. I let them call me in the morning and then they called again when they were on there way home. I did not call or text. They showed up and I gathered the girls into my car and and did not ask him to go but he ended up in the front seat going with us. There was no talking about the us just what the girls wanted to pick out. Then the girls and I started the carving the pumkins and he was like I am going to head to the apartment and start on my homework. He gave all the girls a kiss and was behind me so I thought he left and gives me a kiss on the head. Which he use to do but has not been doing it. He has called me two times today already. It is hard cause the girls will run to the phone when they hear his ringtone.
I have had a fun day with my girls. Bought costumes caved pumkins and made crafts and went for a walk.

How was your first day 180?


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> There are really two things that I am worried about:
> 
> How will my girls take the actions of the 180? Being short with there father and not talking/ doing family outings. As soon as they are finished talking to there dad they hand me the phone
> (facetime daily).
> ...


You don't need to be short with their Dad in the kids' presence. As for the phone, are the kids watching to see what you do? If so, simply say 'Bye' into the receiver and hang up. If they aren't watching, just gently hang up.

Family outings....I didn't have that quandary, but from other threads I've read, it seems to hinder the betrayed spouse's ability to move on. Maybe others can comment on that.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi Lee, it's going ok I guess. He sent me message this morning, and I messaged back and told him I'm not contacting him, I'm giving him the space he's been craving for 12 months. I asked could he just hold off on any future decisions until c how this goes.. Well that was silly of me I know., it got an immediate response to its not going to change anything.. He then tells me he's organising paperwork for divorce.. Not being able to help myself I replied that I had researched divorce (Australia) and u need to b separated 12 months, even though we have next week, we have had frequent physical encounters, do in my opinion that would deter a divorce. Well his response was pure anger, this do isn't like the person I knew, was r u telling me just because I f...ed u that I can't divorce u. That's BS.. 
Anyway I know I was weak, but at least a small step for me, after this comment I just said u do what u think.. I know it's not going to b easy, but instead of being down on myself I'm just going to take small steps.. 
Having someone else go thru it at same time is conforming. Even though we r all strangers we all have this in common., this arvo instead of messaging H when I felt the need I just jumped on this site.. 
Anyway Lee u seem to have done so much better than me today, good on u.,


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Raffles said:


> It's not working Conrad. My head knows that, the heart just can't comprehend it,


Can you elevate yourself to 50,000 feet and observe your reactions and interactions with new eyes?


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

I'm not sure I understand Conrad??


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Raffles said:


> I'm not sure I understand Conrad??


Observe her unemotionally... like you are meeting her for the first time.


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

We all have different problems and past but we are all fighting for the same things. Neither my husband or I have cheated or strayed. We just were not happy together and need to work on a few things. He signed a 6 month lease in August. It is hard not to contact him. I want to talk to him and see what he is doing. This is one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. Both his family and mine are very supportive of us and hoping that we get back together. I want him to want to come home and really work on our marriage, he thinks we are working on it now but how can we? He is not here, I see him twice a week when he sees the kids or when he is doing his laundry.

Just tired of being on the emotional rollar coaster..


----------



## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> he thinks we are working on it now but how can we? He is not here


Marriages fall apart because of our own issues that we bring with us into the relationship.

As long as the "parts" of the marriage are broken, there will be no healthy whole.

We first need to focus on what we can fix--ourselves.

Often, that means leaving the relationship to obtain the space we need to put ourselves back together.


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

Had an emotional day today. H bought down a basket filled with some stuff he thought I may want.. It's so hard to think of him cleaning out my things.. It feels like he's trying to erase any part of me. I know it's not rational, we have been separated for 1 yr, with the papers coming on Thursday to make it formal, but I guess I thought with my stuff that I left there when he asked us to leave, that I at least still had a chance of making him c how wrong he is.. But now that's changing., to add to my emotions, I just don't have the room for this. The duplex we r living in is small, as it is I have given the kids the bigger rooms, my room only has room for my bed and bedside table.. I don't have a wardrobe, so space is limited.. He did say hell store it for me, but my stuff in boxes shut away makes me feel so sad.. 
I just wish he would snap out if this haze or whatever the hell he's going thru and make his family whole again.. Not doing so great on the 180.. Why am I finding it so difficult to let go??


----------



## Raffles (Oct 20, 2012)

To top my day off.. I have hit a Kangaroo.. Totally wrecked my car.. Not sure why this is all happening..


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lee101981 said:


> We all have different problems and past but we are all fighting for the same things. Neither my husband or I have cheated or strayed. We just were not happy together and need to work on a few things. He signed a 6 month lease in August. It is hard not to contact him. I want to talk to him and see what he is doing. This is one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. Both his family and mine are very supportive of us and hoping that we get back together. I want him to want to come home and really work on our marriage, he thinks we are working on it now but how can we? He is not here, I see him twice a week when he sees the kids or when he is doing his laundry.
> 
> Just tired of being on the emotional rollar coaster..


He's doing his laundry at your place?!! Stop allowing that. He left. He no longer has that privilege. I know it's a chance for you to see him, but you are enabling him to cake walk, to be single but use you when he feels like it. Stand up and tell him to find somewhere else to wash his clothes. It may be hard, but you will be showing him that you are strong, which is actually more attractive than (pardon me for being blunt) a doormat. 

Show him a new you.


----------



## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Raffles said:


> To top my day off.. I have hit a Kangaroo.. Totally wrecked my car.. Not sure why this is all happening..


Sorry about your car, Raffles, but glad you're alright. 

Storing your stuff may be emotionally hard, but it might be a good idea. Having a lot of stuff in a small space might end up weighing on you. I find with stuff everywhere it weighs me down and I can't function properly. Having an uncluttered space makes a Hugh difference. If he is willing to store it, I would take him up on it. You can go through the boxes at your own pace and get rid of things you really don't need or want.


----------



## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Raffles,

I am so lost and pissed and angry. I THANK God everyday for my two girls but really I am having a hard time. 
August- house flooded due to a busted pipe took a month for reno
August - Husband moved out
September- laid off
Octover - birthday nothing from Husband
November 10 year anniversay.

Yes he spent the night, he says he wants to work on it but at times his actions say a different story. He says he wants to work on it but he does not want to talk about he says that is all we talk about - well yea cause I do all the talk and you say nothing- nothing is ever a complished. I love him but at the same time I am not sure how much longer I can hold on. I know that we are ment to be together but I am tired. I am hurt. I want to move forward with him. Just and emotional day. Sorry that I am all over the place...


----------

