# have you ever needed to write something?



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

This is the first time I have ever posted. About 11 months ago my husband of 9 years turned 40 and two weeks later told me that he hadn't 'loved' me for 10 years (although he 'loved' me)(we have two children one of whom was aged 8 at the time!) and that he's spoken to a psychologist who suggested relationship counselling but that he thought it was 'hopeless'. I asked him to leave and he did. That began a long and devastating period of despair and confusion on my part which is still going now. The short version of my story is that he left for about two months and then came back in March - saying that he had 'always loved me' and that he had wanted to start an affair with someone else but that when he left all he could think about was me. Anway the boys and I were overjoyed and we started counselling and all seemed ok (not perfect) and then he just started sliding into a black hole and decided he couldn't committ and left again. That was three months ago - 
A couple of nights ago I googled 'my husband just left me' and I was amazed to find these stories which just pretty much sounded like versions of my own. It was freaky but kind of comforting at the same time. Although I have friends and a large family I never really feel as though anyone quite gets what I am going through. And yet when I read the posts on this site I suddenlt felt as though there are people out there who sadly do get it. Personally I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am hoping that by writing this and by joing this very sad community I may be able to begin to handle thinsg a bit better.....


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## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Just being able to write out your feelings helps in many different ways. I wish you the best in your adventure and I do sympathize with your situation.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Thank You. I think that one of the the worst parts of all of this is the fact that when people do this they actually (it would seem) wait until they have made up their mind before the pther party finds out...silense and withdrawal are very powerful tools and ones which are pretty much impossible to fight against - talking is everything...


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

knortoh said:


> silense and withdrawal are very powerful tools and ones which are pretty much impossible to fight against - talking is everything...


Sure is. He has closed himself off, and that by itself makes the world a darker place, where it's easy to doubt the love you have or the love you receive.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you know if this other person is still in his life? If so, that's going to be a problem.

Returning to the marriage/family is same old, same old. Have you tried to surprise him and be off-beat a bit? Be unpredictable. Put him off-kilter. Lovingly, that is. 

Is he depressed? Still interested in sex, hobbies?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

You are so right. Very few people out there actually "get it." I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either. 

Just remember, you are the most important person in this relationship. The only person you can change is yourself.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Treadingcarefully said:


> Sure is. He has closed himself off, and that by itself makes the world a darker place, where it's easy to doubt the love you have or the love you receive.


I hadn't thought of it in terms of light and dark - but you are correct It is also an easier place to be - I think when he talks to me he remembers and is confronted with the fact that I am not an inconvenient mistake but a warm, loving intelligent devoted partner who has simply been hurt very hurt very much - who wants to fact up to that when it is a conflict of interest?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls31 said:


> You are so right. Very few people out there actually "get it." I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either.
> 
> Just remember, you are the most important person in this relationship. The only person you can change is yourself.


And doesn't that take a while to take on board after years of seeing yourself primarily as a partner...I am not sure of whether I want to actually 'change' myself but I do knwo I can't change him...survival is my goal!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

dobo said:


> Do you know if this other person is still in his life? If so, that's going to be a problem.
> 
> Returning to the marriage/family is same old, same old. Have you tried to surprise him and be off-beat a bit? Be unpredictable. Put him off-kilter. Lovingly, that is.
> 
> Is he depressed? Still interested in sex, hobbies?


Yep I think he returned before he had actually thought through any of the reasons he left. I don't think it was boredom as such although I know that part of the reason that he returned last time was because of the sexual tension between us whenever we saw one another. The thing is he never stopped having sex with me - we had been togther 14 years and by my estimate we had had some pretty fair times- there had never been a lull as far as I remember. when he left the first time I asked how he could have continued sleeping with me if he was so unhappy. Now brace yourself for this answer - he said that he thought he had to keep on having sex because it was one of the good things in the relationship - so he was 'working on the relationship' . But then later just before he left the second time he said that when we had sex he 'felt' nothing - so there you go!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

dobo said:


> Do you know if this other person is still in his life? If so, that's going to be a problem.
> 
> Returning to the marriage/family is same old, same old. Have you tried to surprise him and be off-beat a bit? Be unpredictable. Put him off-kilter. Lovingly, that is.
> 
> Is he depressed? Still interested in sex, hobbies?


Oh yes - she is in his life and playing a big role as confidant and who knows what else. He stopped having contact with her for a while and when he left the second time told me he wasn't going to see her - but surprise surpise they have seen eachother (they have mutaual friends) and she calls him and I guess he calls her - I no longer feel that I have the right to enquire...


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