# 1st post - wife and I seem to be drifting a little



## Grinder12000 (Jul 31, 2009)

We have been married for 12 years and all was well. Lived in a large city and moved to a small town.

The problem is that in this town I've, for various reasons, have become well known on several fronts. I've joined the local Main Street Organization, and have been told I've sort of giving the town a spark by getting people involved. 

I guess you could say I'm outgoing making friends and acquaintances. I'm a good husband but my hobbies must seem to take time away from my wife.

The thing is my wife is shy and is telling me that she is now feeling like she is just background. I ask her to come with me to meetings and so forth but she would rather stay at home even though people are always asking where is your wife we love her. 

She has no hobbies to speak of and I FEEL she depends on me to . . . how should I say this . . .entertain her??? (that sounds bad).

"Your always out doing things leaving me at home" type language. I say "I always invite and want you to come" and she says "I don't like doing those things" meaning being out with people.

SIGH! 

HOW can I fix this problem. Give up some things and stay at home? I've told her I will make a point of doing more stuff with her and now she says she feels pathetic and so forth.

double sigh!

Thanks for listening.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It sounds as if she may have self esteem issues and feels like she is living in your shadow at these events. Do you make time in your schedule for just the two of you? Do you spend that time doing things where you won’t likely run into acquaintances? How much time do you spend a week at these functions?


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## Grinder12000 (Jul 31, 2009)

self esteem issues - EXACTLY - this has been a battle. 

"How much time do you spend a week at these functions" on average maybe 3 hours. The BIG thing is my best friend for 50 years spends every other Saturday with me and the old "you have more fun with him" thing came up. 

I totally understand this as we do landscaping, drink a few brews, play poker and have a "guys" day. 

WE don't have a "couples" day because when I say what "should we do" she never can comment to anything" Movie? naa, go out to eat? Naa. Go for an all day road trip adventure? It became a 3 hour adventure because the other was so far away. So I'm stumped on WHAT to do. 

It sounds like I'm blaming her and perhaps I am but "I" want to fix this! 

What do woman like to do that is a couples thing.

OH - and without sounding weird - My photography is getting rave reviews, my home brew is winning competitions, my blog is getting 4000 hits a week and I'm getting articles printed in 3 or 4 news papers of late. FOR ME things are clicking! WHICH - is sort of a problem. Is she jealous???


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If you are spending just three hours a week on the community things, that in itself doesn’t sound like much. But add in the buddy time, home brew, photography, blog maintenance and writing articles for papers then I don’t see where you can find time for her. IMHO. I have no idea if she feels jealous but neglected? Very possible. Find more time for her. If she won’t commit to couples time, then plan one yourself. Make it for things she’d like to do. Surprise her with a weekend away at a B&B with some attractions near by she might enjoy. Better yet do it on one of the Saturday’s your buddy is supposed to visit so she knows she is your top priority. 

I’ve seen this before, she is feeling alone and if you don’t fill her needs she just might look for someone who will. Emotionally or physically. Address this now.


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## Grinder12000 (Jul 31, 2009)

Yea - it's ALL the things together PLUS - she hates her job and is easily depressed and (get this) her job is to council violent crime victims! Which HAS to be the worst job you can think of for her. 

Thanks. It's been a help just to hear a point of view. 

We spend home time but I would not call it quality - more like old marriage time.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

AMP you are so smart....:smthumbup::iagree: with your post.

Grinder: Your wife is speaking, LISTEN to her!


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