# I've started the divorce process



## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

*I've started the divorce process Now w/ dirt!*

It is agonizing. It seems like most of the people in this section of the forum have been left, but doing the leaving is no less painful. I feel I have to, since my husband is a sex addict, alcoholic and liar. I wish it wasn't so. I hold onto the statistic: Of those couples who remain married despite an affair, what percentage later describe their marriage as unhappy or empty? 78% Despite his regrets and promise of reform, there is no trust and he blew his second chance.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

everafter there are a few people who have done the leaving in this forum. It's not any easier. I'm sure you're very hurt that your husband wouldn't/couldn't change to save the marriage. It's never an easy decision and I'm sorry you're going through it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah, no matter who is the betrayer, if their is infidelity dishonesty or substance abuse the marriage will remain unhappy. It seems like the responsible one is usually the one to initiate divorce proceedings (the separation process itself is much more volatile I'd think)


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

Hi Everafter,

Sometimes its not even about doing the leaving but just the spouse being put in a situation to make a decision based on the circumstances. My H put me in a situation to make the decision with this because of his actions. Over the past few days I realized this process has been so draining because my H avoids me at all costs and he is the one who messed up. Luckily, my family has been here to help. The process is hard either way!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ever, what happened? Did he cheat and you got back together and he did it again?

I have no idea what the outcome is with reconciliation & infidelity as I myself am divorced but I do know that the trust was and has never been the same with my now ex. I still get triggers post-divorce and know even if we got back together, that part of our relationship tied (the trust, the innocence, the exclusivity). 

Good luck on your future. Not all of us make it in marriages, unfortunately.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I 100% agree with leaving in the case of adultery. However, I hope you guys are not talking about supporting the wayward - "you weren't affectionate enough person." after spending 36 years with someone. Right? Please say no, becuase I had plenty better reasons to leave her, but I stayed to honor my vows and I chose to concentrate on the many great times we had instead on the few negative ones that seem to overshadow every other aspect of our marriage in her eyes.

I think I understood you guys to mean that one is OK to leave in the case of indidelity and abuse. I agree with that.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ever, what happened? Did he cheat and you got back together and he did it again?


We separated in Feb. Worked with a MC and were back together in May. The last day of May, he thanked two callgirls for their threesome. And I found out that his business trip in April was a trip to Las Vegas with one of them, and that the 3 wk. business trip planned for this month, was a trip out of the country with her. ("Too busy for family vacation") Then I find that he rated her performance in Oct. ($430+$70 tip), and had been seeing her so much and rating her so highly, that other people wrote him to say he might get banned for shilling. He borrowed $38,000 from the 401K, spent $25,000 on a used car and who knows what else, except $150/mo. at the liquor store. He is remorseful, and wants to stay together, but I just can't. A 24 year marriage--don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

O....M.....G!!!

I cannot even comprehend this type of behavior...

Ever, I know things are bleak right now but they will improve with time. Trust is a funny concept. Maybe last time you trusted out of ignorance. Next time you will not be so open to be sure, but that doesn't mean you won't find someone who EARNS that trust and love through their ACTIONS. Hang in there


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

You have got to be kidding. He did _WHAT???_. You need to get away from that clown as soon as you can. Toxic.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Seriously. It is stories like Ever's that I want to print out and hand to my soon to be ex-wife. 

"See? SEE? And you are pissed because I didn't want to buy new living room furniture???":slap:

*Disclaimer* Of course it wasn't just the furniture...BUT STILL!


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Just figured out that he has seen at least a half a dozen different callgirls--one cost $650. The only good is, it's easier to be happy with my decision. To think that I had some guilt because I was walking away from his promises! And yes, I will get tested for STDs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please getg tested for STDs and go back in 6 months to retest. Divorce is def the best choice.


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## MrsBird (Feb 24, 2011)

Hey there,

I left my husband of 18 years. It's not easy - not at all. Especially when you have had issues of addiction, in which case you probably carried the load for both of you, covered things up and made nice. Leaving someone who is an addict is harder than you think, because you are so used to taking care of them and their needs. This makes it excruciating for you. You feel like you are abandoning them.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

MrsBird said:


> Hey there,
> 
> I left my husband of 18 years. It's not easy - not at all. Especially when you have had issues of addiction, in which case you probably carried the load for both of you, covered things up and made nice. Leaving someone who is an addict is harder than you think, because you are so used to taking care of them and their needs. This makes it excruciating for you. You feel like you are abandoning them.


Thank you for the empathetic note. My husband is a functional alcoholic, and I was totally blindsided by the sex addiction, but yes, I felt like I'm the quitter. The more I learn, and the way he continues to behave, makes it easier to be done.


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