# Wife wants divorce



## Bconrado

I am in the army and i have been on tdy orders in germany since october. I have been in a relationship for 5 years and married for almost 1. A month after marriage was when i got my orders. Last month she called me to say that she had a one night stand 2 days earlier when she was drunk at a bar after her friends left her. She stated that she said she was married but that after talking and drinking she went off with the guy. She said she couldnt live with the guilt which is why she told me. I was devastated and then she told me that it made her realize that she hasnt been in love with me the past 2 years. Since the time that we separated because i was not paying enough attention to her. I changed my ways and from then on i never took her for granted. After 2 weeks of pain i realized that i want to make this marriage work and that i want to go to counseling to see if i can get forgive her. She states that counseling would be a waste of time and that she just wants a fresh start. She says she still loves me but isnt in love and wants to remain friends. I dont know what to do. I have a month left here and i dont know what i can do from here. We ask each other about each others days but she gives me the cold shoulder when i try talking about times we have spent together. She wont speak to anyone with any experience in marriage. She is 25 and only talks to 20-21 year olds from her job. I dont know if i should give up or continue having hope. and if so what can i do for this next month before returning home. Any help would be appreciated.


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## Emerging Buddhist

She has given you a gift and told you up front how she feels...

Having been military and once had a wife who was not so forthcoming as yours until it got ugly, it is time to let this go and accept that this was not the life partner you needed.

Sure it hurts, it always does, but look at it as something that cannot break your spirit... and keep your spirit there for somebody who wants it.

Let her know you understand she is not the one for you and begin to file amicably... have the wisdom to know this is over without too much anger or hurt (love yourself more than she did) and you will remain standing tall.


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## BluesPower

Emerging Buddhist said:


> She has given you a gift and told you up front how she feels...
> 
> Having been military and once had a wife who was not so forthcoming as yours until it got ugly, it is time to let this go and accept that this was not the life partner you needed.
> 
> Sure it hurts, it always does, but look at it as something that cannot break your spirit... and keep your spirit there for somebody who wants it.
> 
> Let her know you understand she is not the one for you and begin to file amicably... have the wisdom to know this is over without too much anger or hurt (love yourself more than she did) and you will remain standing tall.


OP, this post is totally correct. 

Further, she is most likely lying about all of it. The truth is probably that she has been screwing the guy for a while and is ready to move on from you. 

As much as you hurt, this is a gift. Do your time in the Military, and then look for another GF. It really does take a super special woman, esp at you guys ages, to be married to a military man. 

Trust all of us, you are better off...


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## BobSimmons

Not want you want to hear and absolutely it hurts.

For most who've been cheated on, it's the feeling of abandonment, and as you did trying to fight to keep them.

You're hurting, and it hurts even more because her head has been turned and you think she's going to run off and be happy with someone else.

She lacked respect for you when she cheated/was cheating. She tells you and you turn around and try to win her back probably makes her pity you and have less respect for you. You can never win them back that way.

Right now she's a prize, and you and whomever she's seeing are making her one.

She wants to leave, then show her the door. All this love you're giving, reserve it for someone who deserves it and will give it back.

There can be no balance in this relationship, if you're chasing and she's seeing someone else. It's not a relationship or a marriage.

Respect yourself, put yourself first and let her go.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

This will hurt for a while but you'll feel better bit by bit. As others have said better to find out now. 

Live your best life! It really sounds like she's not a military man's wife and will never be. She will cast blame on you if you let her, but don't accept it. You sound like a stand up guy.

Hang in there.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

She told you, she is done. Believe her. When women say they are done, they are done. Any pleading on your part will just cement it more in her head. She already blew it up by having an extramarital affair and there may be A LOT more. There is nothing to save anymore (and nothing you want to try and save). Give her No Contact (except for Divorce matters) and after a few months, you will feel much better.


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## Evinrude58

She told you she had a one night stand and couldn’t live with the guilt? LMAO in disgust.

I guess she can live with banging him every day for months, though—- that’s no big deal.

She is lying. She said it was one time just to hurt you without making herself look like the trash she really is in her own eyes. Once is too much.
But the truth would be more than any cheater wants to admit.

She is running off with her affair partner, simple as that. Itching your wife says is true other than she cheated, doesn’t love you, and she’s done. Believe that and move on. 

You will thank the trash one day for taking herself out of your life.

Sorry brother. Take it like a soldier and know that the pain will go away eventually, and you will find a real person to love again.


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## Bconrado

I appreciate all the replies and it has helped me see a lot more clearly. At first my biggest thing was having to come home to nothing but a broken home. i still have my family and my 2nd family which is my unit. I just wanted something at the end of that tunnel but a lot has put things into perspective. Thank you all.


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## Spicy

Welcome to TAM. I'm very sorry for the reason that brings you here. 
Sadly, there is nothing you can do now. Take the time to start healing, and don't waste your energy trying to revive a dead marriage. You will find another light at the end of the tunnel, in a faithful partner that will come into your life.
Hugs...


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## NickyT

Hi, I know this must be very painful and confusing. Your wife, IMO as an older person who has seen alot in my own marriage and many others, has done you a favor by being honest with you. Cut your losses and make it fast. You can't make someone love you. Honestly, she sounds too immature to be in a marriage. Thanks for your service.


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## Tatsuhiko

Give her everything she wants except for the "remain friends" part. She wants to remain friends so that she doesn't have to feel bad about breaking her marriage vows and treating her husband horribly. Make sure her family knows what she did. Divorce her and never speak with her again. Your best revenge will be living well. You can find a decent, caring, mature woman who will love you faithfully for the rest of your life. Just choose very carefully this time.


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## Bibi1031

She has been cheating and waited until you are almost coming back home to tell you the sad, yet very enlightening truth. She is done. She is not worth the pain and suffering you have felt by feeling guilty and not giving her the attention she despicably accused you as the reason for her cheating ways. She can't face the truth about her lousy behavior and shifts the blame to you.

Don't own it! Set yourself free from that terrible woman that doesn't deserve to be anyone's wife. You will be better off once the pain subsides. Live a great life; that will be your best revenge. You will find a much more worthy woman. You deserve so much better than what you settled for in this woman.


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## Smooth1981

I am military too. Going through something similar. I wanted mines to work too, did the letter writing, pleading ect and I looked absolutely weak! She still talked to me with disrespect and was still secretive about everything. Best thing you can do is cut your loses, trust me! I’m 36 with 2 kids which makes it a little more difficult but I’m making it day by day and feel a lot better! It’s funny as I agreed with divorcing and went 180, now she calls me all the time wanting to go out to eat, do things....how about “No thank you, have a great day!” It will hurt like hell at first but it gets easier.


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## Marc878

HTML:







Smooth1981 said:


> I am military too. Going through something similar. I wanted mines to work too, did the letter writing, pleading ect and I looked absolutely weak! She still talked to me with disrespect and was still secretive about everything. Best thing you can do is cut your loses, trust me! I’m 36 with 2 kids which makes it a little more difficult but I’m making it day by day and feel a lot better! *It’s funny as I agreed with divorcing and went 180, now she calls me all the time wanting to go out to eat, do things....how about “No thank you, have a great day!”* It will hurt like hell at first but it gets easier.


Nice job. You're way to young to keep yourself in this.


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## oldshirt

Responses in bold below. 




Bconrado said:


> . Last month she called me to say that she had a one night stand 2 days earlier when she was drunk at a bar after her friends left her. She stated that she said she was married but that after talking and drinking she went off with the guy. She said she couldnt live with the guilt which is why she told me.
> 
> *People who actually have guilt at having one drunken hook up usually try to make this right and usually seek reconciliation.
> 
> The fact she is seeking divorce means this is an ongoing affair and she wants to be with the OM.
> 
> She is just saying it was a drunken ONS in a feable attempt to make it sound better.
> 
> Cheaters lie. ..... about everything. *
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I was devastated and then she told me that it made her realize that she hasnt been in love with me the past 2 years.
> 
> *This is a well documented phenomenon in Chapter 4 of the Cheater's Handguide called "rewriting history." When their brains get flooded with all those feel-good and horny chemicals and hormones, it makes them think that the marriage was bad and that they did not really love their spouse in the first place.
> 
> And they lie. *
> 
> Since the time that we separated because i was not paying enough attention to her.
> I changed my ways and from then on i never took her for granted.
> 
> *Cheating is a character issue and is about the bad behavior of the cheater. It has nothing to do with the BS. You could have spent 24/7 at her side responding to her every whim and she still would have cheated. It's what cheaters do. *
> 
> After 2 weeks of pain i realized that i want to make this marriage work and that i want to go to counseling to see if i can get forgive her.
> 
> *WRONG ANSWER JACK!!! Now slap yourself in the face and go sit down in the corner and listen for a minute.
> 
> You gots that all wrong and completely backwards.
> 
> If she wants to save this marriage, it is up to her to go into counseling and therapy and see if she is able to do the heavy lifting required to earn back your trust. This is on her and it is her mess to fix if she wants to remain marriage.
> 
> *
> 
> 
> 
> She states that counseling would be a waste of time and that she just wants a fresh start.
> 
> *She wants to be with the OM. And yes, that being the case, counseling would in fact be a waste of time, money and energy. *
> 
> She says she still loves me but isnt in love and wants to remain friends.
> 
> *That is Chapter One in the Cheaters Hand Guide. ILYBNILWY is the classic buzzword for being in love with the OM and losing all love and respect for the BS.
> 
> Saying to be friends is just trying to church it up and put some paint on a turd to try to cover up the fact it is a turd.*
> 
> 
> I dont know what to do.
> 
> *uh yeah you do know what you need to do, you just don't want to actually do it. *
> 
> 
> 
> I have a month left here and i dont know what i can do from here.
> 
> *See you JAG and start getting your legal and financial affairs in order.*
> 
> 
> 
> We ask each other about each others days but she gives me the cold shoulder when i try talking about times we have spent together.
> 
> *Which makes you look weaker and more pathetic and reinforces her belief that the OM is the better man. *
> 
> She wont speak to anyone with any experience in marriage.
> 
> *That's because she is ok with this and wants to divorce and be with the OM. She has no need to speak to anyone. ......Oh, and her mouth is full.
> 
> I dont know if i should give up or continue having hope.
> 
> Hopium is a very addicting and destructive substance. It makes you think you can turn back the clock and make things the way they were before. It makes you think that she will come to her senses and throw herself at your feet and admit she was wrong and beg your forgiveness and will spend the rest of her days being the perfect wife and lover. The only way to beat the Hopium addiction is to not take any hits off of the Hopium pipe at all. Once you get the Hopium out of your system, then you can start to see clearly.
> 
> Don't do Hopium.
> 
> 
> and if so what can i do for this next month before returning home.
> 
> Start working with your JAG immediately. Do what he/she says.
> 
> Any help would be appreciated.*


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## Stormguy2018

Let her go. You're in for a world of heartache if you stay.


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## MaiChi

Very sad for you and very sorry to hear. There is not a lot you can do. She knows she wants to go now and all you should do is let her go without fuss. There is no need for you to remain friends even if you want to. Allow her to go like she says start afresh. 

If she stays she will always cheat and she will always tell you she loves you as a brother and not as a husband, which is always said to justify cheating. She has done you a huge favour by telling you so early in your marriage. Thank her for her honesty and let her go.


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## BarbedFenceRider

^^^^Spot on. She checked out. Now giver her HER orders. As for the friend thing....Nope. You don't want the pain shopping and mental movies. Time to move on. Oh, and thank you for your service. Now since you have orders for a month. Go find a hot german chick and remember, you are worth it.


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## Stormguy2018

Emerging Buddhist said:


> She has given you a gift and told you up front how she feels...
> 
> Having been military and once had a wife who was not so forthcoming as yours until it got ugly, it is time to let this go and accept that this was not the life partner you needed.
> 
> Sure it hurts, it always does, but look at it as something that cannot break your spirit... and keep your spirit there for somebody who wants it.
> 
> Let her know you understand she is not the one for you and begin to file amicably... have the wisdom to know this is over without too much anger or hurt (love yourself more than she did) and you will remain standing tall.


Well said. Let her go.


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## personofinterest

Drop the rope and walk away. You can do better. Let her twist in the wind like this....


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## Vinnydee

Once they tell you that they are not in love with you, it is over. Love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Just try to sometime. Most times they have found someone else as happened to me when I was in combat in Vietnam. Shame to say but many wives were cheating on their soldier husbands back then. Stress and fear of husband dying, lonely, needs affection, etc.. I understood why my fiancé cheated on me. I would have been OK if she told me she wanted to be with someone until I got home but she lied and gave me false hope and plans for when I got discharged. Heck, my marriage was not always monogamous so I would have been OK with ethical non monogamy but not the deceiving and lying stuff.

Lovs lost is rarely ever found again so act accordingly.


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