# It's been 2 years....



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Ok, a quick background. 2 years ago my wife had an online affair with an old friend. She was intimate in her conversations and I dont know the full extent but I did see emails and chats which were very personal and had loving exchanges. Also some photos were exchanged (she didnt know those were saved online which I saw) that were graphic. Anyway we got through it kinda, I think I just dealt with it and let time pass. I think I accepted it and moved past to some degree but it was more cause I felt like I had no choice. the last year has been ok, but inside I just dont care. We fight like a normal couple about normal things but in my head I am always thinking that I could care less if we get over the fight. We have 2 kids and I could not stand not seeing them.

My work recently took me out of town for a few weeks, I havent cheated or anything but I am enjoying not worrying about things and being able to be the real me which I have not in the last 2 years. I just feel like a weight is lifted and dread going home again back to all that. After 2 years I would have thought I would be better. I havent had anyone to talk about this with as I feel embaresed and dont want anyone to know (though I wasnt the cheater) since I dont want people to have negative feelings. I love my wife but it feels more like I love her as a close friend or relative, no desire and no excitment. Like a long time friend not a wife.

I feel like I am still married for everyone else in my life and hate the thought of being an empty shell forever. Just curious anyone else who has gone this long after the affair - emotional or otherwise........


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

You are in the right place. You really need to heal from this, and yes, it will involve reopening old wounds to make sure they heal properly this time. 

The fact that this hasn't healed is what we call "rugsweeping" and will never allow the hurt to be healed if there is never any steps made towards honesty and restoration of the relationship. Hopefully others who can help u better than I will be here to lend u a hand.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

Wow, feels like you are going through what I went through. My husband cyber cheated twice, the 2nd time with an old love. I saw texts and videos that will be burned in my memory forever, extremely similar to what you are explaining. We sorta got through it, or so I thought until today when he told me he loved me but wasn't "in love with me" but that was of course after I caught him purchasing a prepaid cell phone on Friday. While activating his prepaid cell, he was texting me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me that evening. I feel like I have been taken for a fool especially this past year. 

Have you sought out counselling or therapy? If not you should try it, alone or together. Don't drag out a marriage and shouldn't be, but don't just give up either if there is still love there. You have a lot to think about but again, if there is no love you should truly move on for everyone's sake even your own.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

2years,

I hate to say it, but if you ever want to get over this you are going to have to face it. There is really no other way. 

The fact that you two never really addressed it before,tells me that you never took the necessary steps to heal, recommit and move forward to a stronger marriage.

I understand the feeling of embarrassment all to well, I know it sucks. This is just your ego talking...ignore it and address the problem.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

We did address it to each other and she completely stopped. She did everything you would want after and I figured over time it would get better. It did in terms of our day to day things but if she told me tomorrow she was leaving me I dont think I would be destroyed, maybe even a little relieved. I am emotional person and just feel like that connection we once had is gone. We just go through the motions. I feel bad because in her eyes things are ok now after 2 years. We still fight and she knows things are not the same but I feel like it's easier for her. She didnt loose the thought of how I felt about her, she is probably stronger for it thinking I stayed even thought she messed up. I think being away I am able to see how much I have been putting up an act since then, likely for our kids and for show to friends/family. I just dont want to go back to feeling dead inside when I return home.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You need to ask yourself if you are willing to live the rest of your life feeling this way?


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Yeah I know that is the hard question but really I know the answer to that. I guess the question is will it change with more time and I know that no one has that answer. I guess the real question is can I live the next 4.5 years until my daughter is out of HS or if that even matters really. I hate to not see them everyday and that would feel even worse I think. Plus I hate to make teens deal with even more, they have enough of their own problems.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Oh and the other thing is my own guilt. I am a nice person and have tried to be there for her when she needs it since everything. She has a very negative personality and her family is crappy (prob has alot to do with our issues) so I am her whole world. The EA was digital and no doubt what happend, she even had told me her friend was going to visit before I found out about the EQ but later said she didnt really want that to happen. If he did I have no idea if it would have become a PA. Anyway, I feel bad hurting her more when she has had a hard year (not that I plan to return home and end things right now). Her dad passed in Feb, her grandfather last month, and her mom is very unsupportive in general. To throw this on top is alot for a person and I do care about her I mean we have lived our lives together for 17 years and have 2 great kids. At the same time I feel like I am sacrificing myself for someone who doesnt deserve it and that I feel like is a sister more than a wife.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I can certainly empathize with your pain. I have found it does get better (less anxious, more fun) with time, but there's an underlying sadness / disinterest on my part that isn't dissipating with time.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Yup, not anxious and we do things together that are fun but its not the same, I still do not have the same interest. I think I hide it well (good or not to do it) but when we fight I know it's obvious. There is no thoughts of lets work this out, it's just like whatever and my mind thinks about why should I care about it when that is still in my mind.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

It just sucks, how to make that leap you know you need to make. I know I need to be free and start fresh but I am a very caring person, just can stand hurting anyone especially my kids. I feel selfish for wanting to be happy at everyone elses expense.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

If you think you want your marriage to work you may want to try:

Stop Your Divorce - This WORKS - When Nothing Else Does

I am thinking about trying it myself....

I really wish you all the best!


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I really dont know I even want to anymore. 2 years is a long time. She has her good times when she is really sweet but there are more times when she is so negative and down. I just feel like such a jerk feeling this way when she thinks things are better. I dont want to live trying to avoid my own wife. I want to enjoy life and feel positive and happy. I dont want to have the person I live with bring me down, I want them to be the one who lifts me up and excites me.


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## sound1 (Dec 3, 2009)

Don't feel like its outta frame at its been 5 years since it all started with a EA lead to a 2 year separation that was as bad as can be insane if you will where the other men an sleeping with them just got outta control(maybe one day I'll write the whole thing down) she's gets bitter that im still in setback mode at times. I don't think she realizes the load that put on me (a large amount of details I haven't spoke of here so in all its been rs )


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

RWB said:


> 2years,
> 
> I'm also 2 years from catching my wife of 30+ years (serial EPA over 6 years).
> 
> ...


I mirror everything that RWB said, that was right on point. My wife cheated in our first year of marriage and I wanted to end it then, but decided to stick it out. I WAS able to get over it and completely put it out of my mind, like it never happened. Every once in a blue moon, something would remind me of it, but I quickly put it back out of my mind. Unfortunately for me, fast forward 16 years later and she had several more affairs recently that I just found out about. That was too much for me, so we seperated and will be starting the divorce soon. Your answer is that it is up to you. You can do it, but it takes time and effort and you have to truly, truly love your wife and she has to help in the process. You may want to consider sitting down with her and talking to her about it. If you are that close to leaving, I would try that before you announce that your not happy and leaving. Give her a real try and let her know how you feel and see how things go. It can be done, but it will always be there. I wish you all the best.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I know that is good advice. Its not so much the talking thing, its the reaction. I walk on egg shells around her in general. She does not deal with anything well. Gets bitter, then gets sorry. Before everything I could just deal with those issues but now the way she acts reminds me of her EA. I just feel like the EA on top of the bitter person she has become make me not want to try. I am going to talk about it with family (prob not go into that aspect just more general). I have never spoken about this to anyone since I did not want to cloud their views on her (that is sad to even say). I know my family feels like they walk on eggshells around her too so it would not be a shock


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I know I have forgiven her, but it doesnt mean I feel the same. I don't feel anger about the EA even toward the OM. I just know I dont love her like a wife. I love her like someone I have know for a very long time and is the mother of my kids. I just need to figure out is 2 years long enough for giving it a try.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you thinking about divorcing her?


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Yes. Sorry for the delay in response. I drove home 10hrs to see my sons game and celebrate my daughters bday then will be driving back for work. I do want a divorce, I know what we had is gone and I am not getting it back. I love her, but not in love. The weird thing is I really have no anger towards her about everything. I think the issue is just the kids. I just dont want to hurt them, I would do anything for them even stay with my wife. I just know that when they are out of the house in a few years what I am left with and what will happen so why delay?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

The opposite of love is not hate but apathy and this is what you have. Time to contact an attorney to understand your options. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think tha fact is you've never given yourself a chance. You need to find a good counselor. You have to want to move on to actually do it. You should do it for your kids. Look up statistcs for divorced kids, its truly shocking.

Acting happy makes you feel happy. Exercising helps tremendously (I like a good lifting fix). You just have to try harder. NOt easy but not impossible either.

Good Luck you can do it if you want to.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I agree on working out. I have been the last year and it does make you feel better (plus I lost about 40lbs). Feel better about yourself and a better outlook.


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