# Counsler changes her mind with advice wtf!!!



## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Ok we had our weekly visit tonight and she told us that she changed her mind on her advice that the (gift) sex she said to do for me 3 times per 7 day week was not what she now wanted..... it pisses me off big time she went on and on how a man doesnt wanna go to work but he has to because thats what needs to be done and how a wife has to do what she has to do to make her husband happy in that way because men are physical and now she f*ucking changes the plan so she now tells me i have to be patience and just go with out for say 3 months and also be the person my wife wants me to be and never raise my voice and listen and ect... if i want this to work i will do it.......WTF!!!!!! iam so let down by this woman to me its like handing a drug addict a needle and smack shes siding with my non sex wife kills me ...awwwwwww i had to vent tear it apart ladies and cry for me men.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I don't trust most counsellors most the time they are more screwed up than the people who see them. You have to be real cautious on who you are seeing for advice. 
I can't comment about your situation I don't know why your wife won't or don't have sex. What the problem is. 3 months yeah I can understand your upset.

It amazes me the number of people ,men and women, alike that don't know what they want or who thay are, but want to dictate how their spouse should act. Simply amazing.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am crying for you too, and I am a woman Let me know if you ever find the solution to the libido difference.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I don't think the work analogy is correct.

Now, I realize there is a huge difference when it comes to using a body and physical contact so I admit that up front. but there are times guys do things with women that they do not want to do. With my wife, it's antique shopping (never "shopping", just looking), chick flicks, clothes shopping for her, etc... I do these (and do them enthusiastically and without complaining) because she asks me to come along and it's part of the emotional bonding we have (I'm with her while she does something she likes to do).

Should a woman use her body to make a guy happy? No. But should she use it as part of keeping a marriage strong? I think so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What a crock. Fire her!

fwiw, IMO, most people become therapists because they are screwed up themselves.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

This is one reason i would never do marital counseling. its hard enough dealing with two people but to throw a third in the mix is just way too complicated. i'm all for individual counseling.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Did you talk to her about how that made you feel and ask her to explain how something that makes you feel so horrible could be positive for your relationship with your wife and your trust with the counselor?


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

ok i will start by saying i don't like counclers but i will also say this..

depending on what you and wife told councler in the beginning then she may of gone with one treatment but then finding what you and wife are now saying or seeing in not working or hell councler could of read a NEW book or new person came up with the "today fix"

ok there is my problem with counslers they are to be there to help to guide to give there counsling... but i don't care who you are unless you are a machine then you will side with one person or the other and there is never a happy middle.

also they read the uptoday stuff and want to run with it and maybe it has not even had time to be tested (you are the ginny pig) or worse they themselfs are stuck in the past and old ways.

yes my mother married my step dad counsler (i will note he is marriage 5 for my mother) and he left his wife for my mother... i really think he cheating on his wife for my mother... and he is a typical do as i say. i don't live at home have not at any time they have been married but i see his life and then i see what he tells others to do and let me tell you he and my mother have different beds and he is a counsler of marriage.... 

any way i agree did you tell counsler you thoughts do you have one on one sessions... some times you need to say things you are thinking with out putting it out to the spouse (remember words can cut worse).

if you don't feel this one is working you need to look around, but don't just go for one the is totally on your side that will not work either..


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Well my wife would like to continue to go... of course she does its in her best interested and the advice NOW falls in her favor.. the counsler said to me what if you were stationed in iraq?? i said well if i was there but im not im sure or would hope my wife would send me some videos or xx pics to help me along... i can not have sex for 3 months but why??? just to prove a point?? then what after 3 months im so bitter its another hurtle for me to then get over, im starting to see my wife started this but now its about me and my kids best interest so very hard for me to be this good husband i was and try to be even better i do see our sex drives are diffrent and iam really understanding and ask my wife is this ok is this cool ect but 3 months i just dont see it...i told her i would return but honestly my hearts not in it i asked her if we could see another counsler my neighbors seeing and she said why start all over again??? i said because if we dont and i get pissed off again id hate to throw away a marriage after 12 yrs because im running of emotions and bad advice ..i was close last time thank god i got a grip.. my wife agrees this whole thing started because she saw the diffrence in our drives and wanted to set me free... so i could find another woman who had the same drive.. i said i dont want another i want you just try and work with me here.. she still has over 5 orgasms a session and really enjoys it when we finally do it i dont see the problem...her love language is words of affirmation mine is physical touch lets work on it, she tells me ive always given her the positive words i asked why cant u try for me the physical touch she said shes not sure but will try............ as i type now kids off to bed asleep she came in and fell asleep i said why no asnwer so now i stew crazy!!!!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Maybe she's faking it. Five times in one session seems extreme. She is most likely doing it for you and in the end resenting you. Think about this for a moment, accept it and then you can change it.

Ask her what turns her on and study her. Then give it back to her without thought of your own pleasure. Focus on all of her exact needs moment for moment for one day. All women are different and so intricate in their workings but once you unlock the code you've got her admiration and affection. I'm wondering if you think you've unlocked the code but haven't.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

trenton....im a pretty good judge on her body theres no way to fake what i feel her body go through the hot sweat on her lower back at the moment and the tight muscles in back ..super wet longing for it deeper ect... she has a hard time taking it all but when she cums it all or nothing, i really cant see her faking all of that. oh i know its not all about sex with her she says she can never do it again which i find weird even though she enjoys our sessions... when we do it...shed be happy with 1 a week 7 days where as i want it at least 5 of the seven, i love everything about the act the smell, touch, sweat ect its my pref. notice im still up ....crazy what the mind can do when ur focused on an important task saving my marriage .yet her clear head she sleeps. sad to say the only way i see her really appreciate me is if i left and gave her some time by herself w/kids to see it on her own.. but im not that strong to be with out my kids. i offered her to leave and id stay w kids she said she couldnt do it either even though she still owns a house with her sis she could go to where as i have no place. i guess well have to stick it out together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Maybe she's faking it. Five times in one session seems extreme. She is most likely doing it for you and in the end resenting you. Think about this for a moment, accept it and then you can change it.
> 
> Ask her what turns her on and study her. Then give it back to her without thought of your own pleasure. Focus on all of her exact needs moment for moment for one day. All women are different and so intricate in their workings but once you unlock the code you've got her admiration and affection. I'm wondering if you think you've unlocked the code but haven't.


 I usually get 5 times in one session; usually have to stop husband cos it starts to hurt - he enjoys doing it for me before he gets his part.

There's a great book called 52 Invitations to Grrrreat Sex, and it really goes a long way to helping couples find out great ways to have fun in the bedroom. Maybe that's what she needs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveless1 said:


> trenton....im a pretty good judge on her body theres no way to fake what i feel her body go through the hot sweat on her lower back at the moment and the tight muscles in back ..super wet longing for it deeper ect... she has a hard time taking it all but when she cums it all or nothing, i really cant see her faking all of that. oh i know its not all about sex with her she says she can never do it again which i find weird even though she enjoys our sessions... when we do it...shed be happy with 1 a week 7 days where as i want it at least 5 of the seven, i love everything about the act the smell, touch, sweat ect its my pref. notice im still up ....crazy what the mind can do when ur focused on an important task saving my marriage .yet her clear head she sleeps. sad to say the only way i see her really appreciate me is if i left and gave her some time by herself w/kids to see it on her own.. but im not that strong to be with out my kids. i offered her to leave and id stay w kids she said she couldnt do it either even though she still owns a house with her sis she could go to where as i have no place. i guess well have to stick it out together.


This isn't about sex - it's about her feelings about you. She has to be in a place mentally where pleasing you is important. Usually, if the wife has issues with her husband, she will not want much sex with him. Spend your time on the issues, not the sex. Likely, she now feels you are so horny all the time that it's ALL you want. Likely, that's why the therapist says you need to take it off the table for now - to PROVE to your wife that she is NOT just a sex vehicle for you. I guarantee you that's how she now feels. 

I remember early on, every time my husband would cuddle with me, he'd want it to lead to sex. EVERY time. Guess what happened? I stopped wanting him to touch me AT ALL. Because I DIDN'T want sex all the time. So I'd rather go without touching him at all, to avoid having to have sex 5 days out of 7.

If you can't go 3 months without sex without hating your wife for it...is it really love?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> If you can't go 3 months without sex without hating your wife for it...is it really love?


If there's a good medical reason or something sure, you just man up and play support until the crisis is through. My wife had a very difficult second pregnancy and a horrible breast biopsy that put a damper on things for quite some time. It's no problem other than basic sexual frustration.

But he's been told - by a counselor no less - to just hold his **** for three months with no clear end to it after that. Simply because she doesn't like him / want to have sex with him. Dump the counselor for sure.

If you deny a man a reasonable sexual outlet with his wife for three months when she is right next to him in bed, how is he going to to stay in love with her? Men don't work like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see your side, but we didn't hear what the counselor said. It's very possible she told him more, but as soon as she said go without, he quit listening.

Are you saying that a man will stop loving his wife just because he can't have sex for 3 months? Seriously?

I've seen plenty of threads where a man hasn't had sex for 2 or 3 years, and here he is, trying to get his wife to come back to the bed because he loves her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Totally agree with this. This is toxic. To reverse the logic what if it was a situation where a counselor said to the wife:
- You need to give your H sex every day for 3 months AND
- He is not going to give you any emotional support, or meet YOUR core needs during that time because he is angry about your past behavior. And at the END of the 3 months he is going to continue to demand sex every day, and he MIGHT start giving you emotional support or he might not. You just need to keep giving him 100 percent until he "feels" like actually considering your needs.

This is the counselor and the W teaming up to see if they can castrate this guy and take away any sense of the marriage being a partnership. 

This is the H as servant model. Very ugly stuff. 

A marriage can only heal when BOTH spouses make an effort.




Atholk said:


> If there's a good medical reason or something sure, you just man up and play support until the crisis is through. My wife had a very difficult second pregnancy and a horrible breast biopsy that put a damper on things for quite some time. It's no problem other than basic sexual frustration.
> 
> But he's been told - by a counselor no less - to just hold his **** for three months with no clear end to it after that. Simply because she doesn't like him / want to have sex with him. Dump the counselor for sure.
> 
> If you deny a man a reasonable sexual outlet with his wife for three months when she is right next to him in bed, how is he going to to stay in love with her? Men don't work like that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Again, we are only hearing his side. If his wife were to come here and post and say the counselor said the same thing, then I would agree with you. In fact, I did at first. But then I remembered the #1 rule at forums: we only get one side of the story.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

My wife was lead here by me but doesnt feel the need to post.... yes the counsler said ex that after she said she thought about us all weekend while on her time. i will go as long as possible with out if it means making her happy but when does it end... id like an alt way to be for both of us ...im not a bad husband so i dont see why this wouldnt work equal therapy.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This dynamic almost always ends badly. 




loveless1 said:


> My wife was lead here by me but doesnt feel the need to post.... yes the counsler said ex that after she said she thought about us all weekend while on her time. i will go as long as possible with out if it means making her happy but when does it end... id like an alt way to be for both of us ...im not a bad husband so i dont see why this wouldnt work equal therapy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveless1 said:


> My wife was lead here by me but doesnt feel the need to post.... yes the counsler said ex that after she said she thought about us all weekend while on her time. i will go as long as possible with out if it means making her happy but when does it end... id like an alt way to be for both of us ...im not a bad husband so i dont see why this wouldnt work equal therapy.


Did you ask the counselor that?

What ELSE is she having you two do? There has to be more to this than just not asking for sex.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

as far as the not having sex yes.. she said to not for 3 months , other than that she is still figuring us out she said,,mean while ive pin pointed the sex drive issue my wife confirmed it, ill be honest im trying to (take care )of myself in order to help this best i can for awhile i couldnt do it my mind was not there but now i have too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then she told you to put it away for now because it is obviously driving your wife away. Abstinence is not going to kill you, but cementing in your wife's mind that she HAS to put out could finish your marriage. You have to remember that if a woman has issues with you, she will be less likely to want to have sex; that's just how females are created. 

Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Read about Love Busters and Emotional Needs? It might help you understand what's going on. Your counselor is trying to figure out how each of you is LBing the other (though she may not call it that). You could shorten this by going to marriagebuilders.com and printing out the LB questionnaire for both of you to fill out, so you'll each know what you do to harm (make unhappy) the other, so you can stop doing those things.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

we did do the love buster quiz and we are following it my wife says im doing well not to do the things that were lb to her and she is also doing my lbs its great and its a time thing i dont wanna push her away and if i gotta jerk it for awhile i guess i will .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think you'll be disappointed in the long run. It really is a tricky thing, for women to feel safe with their husbands, which causes them to want to have more SF (barring mental issues). And the worst thing you can do is make her feel like if you can't have SF, you don't want her. Not saying you SHOULD do without, IMO a woman owes it to her husband to recognize the need for SF; just that she doesn't want to just be a warm body, you know?


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