# Torn on what to do



## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

I'm trying to not produce a wall of text here. I'd like to explain three things, First, where I've been, then where I'm at, then my question. 

*Where I've been:*
My whole life started out behind. I was born into an alcoholic/drug family. I spent most of my adolescence trying to survive. My life changed in my 20's when my girlfriend at the time dumped me. It put me on a quest to figure out human nature. At that time, I started dating my current wife who also came from a messed up alcoholic family. We started out wonderful but by 6 months happened, the fighting started. Our lives have been a rollercoaster ever since. We have four children, two of which have moved out. 

*Where I am:*
I've come a long way and now understand a lot of problems and figuring out how to think differently. My wife did not join me on that journey. Now, the fighting has been greatly reduced but her thought patterns still bug me. She tends to think the worst of me in any situation. She thinks that I'm unfaithful. I don't feel like some of her accusations are fair. My issue with her is that she never admits that she is causing issues and tries to turn it around to be my fault. 

*My Question:*
I've been with my wife for 25 years. I care for her but I don't feel like I love her any more. I don't hate her and I understand where she is coming from when she is accusing me. The problem is that I feel empty being with her, but I'm feel so guilty about wanting to ask for a divorce. This would be so much easier if I hated her but I don't. How do you divorce someone you don't hate? Has anyone divorced someone that they didn't hate but couldn't be with?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Where is she coming from when she is accusing you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

growingstronger said:


> How do you divorce someone you don't hate?


I got my financial ducks in a row. Then I called a good divorce attorney.



growingstronger said:


> Has anyone divorced someone that they didn't hate but couldn't be with?


Yes, I did. By the time I filed for divorce I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. There was no hate left. In fact, all I pretty much felt was indifference and a sense of relief to have that albatross off my back.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Glad you found TAM.

You've come a long way and you should be proud of yourself. Do you think there's a chance that your wife could learn (like you did) to look at things differently? 

If you told her that you've come to the fork in the road and that divorce was one of the options would this get her attention to work on herself and could this potentially help your relationship (if she was willingto do this)? Or has this ship sailed?

How old are the two kids who still live with you?

How old are the two that moved out?

Are they close by?

Why did they move out (because of the fighting between you and your wife)?

Why does your wife think you've been unfaithful?

With more info the people here can help you better.

Is your mind made up and you're just wanting to know how to go about breaking the news to her?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I think it helps looking at things from their perspective. What you may see as attacking and unfair, they may see as self preservation. She came from an alcoholic family, you came from the same. You both likely carry some baggage from that experience. It sounds like you may have adapted better than your wife or you may have your own vices that you haven't shared. 

Whatever the case, you both have similarities but your coping mechanisms are obviously skewed from survivalist instincts. Have you looked into therapy and marriage counseling? The hardest thing in a marriage is communication. Bringing in an arbitrator can help unearth underlying issues and have a referee to sort of keep communication open.

Maybe you would be better off apart, but divorce sucks. Been through it and sometimes it's impossible to heal, but broken communication can be bridged. There are drawbacks to staying and leaving. Make sure you have exhausted your possibilities.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Misery does love company.

You both are miserable, both for good reason.

You feel guilt for wanting to leave her, you feel even worse for staying with her.

You need to pull the rotten tooth that is your marriage.

The pain will not go away, it never does, until you pull the plug.

It will still hurt for some while afterwards, and there will be a hole left, where the marriage 'was'.

Wisdom says some teeth need pulling, some marriages need to end.

You know it is going to hurt.
You know it hurts already.
You know it will eventually feel better, after it, the marriage is gone.

Make an appointment with a rotten-tooth pulling, divorce attorney.

Oh, Novacaine or alcohol does not make things better....here.

Have at it, be done, is the only pain remover that will work in the long run.

...........................................................

An assumption: If you _feel guilty _about sharing any of these painful feelings with another woman, you should feel that way.

Accept and admit that you did wrong. 
There is no undoing this.

.........................................................

Waiting and delaying (without a viable reason) is the worst thing you can do.

Guilt is real, it is really a Bishop, do not make it a White Knight.




_Are Dee-_


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Where is she coming from when she is accusing you?


A lot of it comes from she doesn't feel that I love her. Even from early on in our relationship, she would tell me that I didn't care about her or her feelings. In my 20s, there was a time that I was talking to someone on the internet in a chat room. It was a girl but it was strictly platonic in my mind. I would let my wife read the messages. I didn't hide it from her, but when she read it, she would put her own twist on what she was reading and accused me of being unfaithful and cheating. I never felt that my conversations were anything more than conversations. Being dumb and not knowing what I know now, I thought she was overacting and I continued the conversations more covertly. Obviously, this just poured gas on the fire when she found out. 

Granted this was dumb on my part, but this is one of many examples of how she reacts to me. It's almost as if she wants to catch me so she can prove to herself that she was right. I understand now that her low self-esteem contributes to that a lot and that my past actions have reinforced it. But it's hard to be around her when all her judgement comes from a place I can't change or help. 

As another example, a bombshell she just dropped on me, she told me that her dad overheard someone speaking to my dad at our wedding 20 years ago. This person commented on how "big" the bride was and surprised that I would want to marry someone that size. Her dad was ****ty enough to tell her that day what was said...on our wedding day. She just admitted to me that she's been carrying that with her all this time. The hurtful part about that to me is she's been using that against me for 20 years. Something I didn't say, I didn't think, and I didn't know. 

It makes me sad that she thinks this way about herself but I know that I can't change her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How overweight was/is she? Does that contribute to the problems both of you have?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

growingstronger said:


> *It makes me sad that she thinks this way about herself but I know that I can't change her.*
> 
> Correct, you can't and never will change her. Only herself can do that.





growingstronger said:


> *The problem is that I feel empty being with her*,


as hard as it might be to you do to guilt, you must do what you think is the right thing to do for you.


growingstronger said:


> *How do you divorce someone you don't hate?*


Just present her with the divorce papers, that's all. No need to go through a tortuous path in order to do it.


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

sideways said:


> You've come a long way and you should be proud of yourself. Do you think there's a chance that your wife could learn (like you did) to look at things differently?


This is half my problem. She has been reading self help books and she has made a little progress so it gives me hope but then shows me so much of her deep seeded thoughts about me and it hurts to be around her. I know that she suffers and that's hard, but I know that I can't be the rescuer either. This is what puts in limbo.

We don't really fight much anymore because I don't let it get to that point. She claims to want empathy. I have tried that but it doesn't seem to have much impact. She is looking for me to agree with her assessment and tell her she was right. Not empathy.


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

Openminded said:


> How overweight was/is she? Does that contribute to the problems both of you have?


When we got married, she had a few extra pounds. Nothing major. It does contribute for her. She thinks that is all I care about even though I've never mentioned her weight. In my mind, it's nothing. In her mind, it seems to be everything.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

growingstronger said:


> When we got married, she had a few extra pounds. Nothing major. It does contribute for her. She thinks that is all I care about even though I've never mentioned her weight. In my mind, it's nothing. In her mind, it seems to be everything.


It might be "nothing" to you but something to her.

How tall is she and what did she weigh then (and what does she weigh now)?


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

sideways said:


> How tall is she and what did she weigh then (and what does she weigh now)?


I'm having a hard time understanding how this is really relevant.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

growingstronger said:


> I'm having a hard time understanding how this is really relevant.


He’s asking for context around her self esteem issues.


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

sideways said:


> How tall is she and what did she weigh then (and what does she weigh now)?


She's 5' 9" 175 then 195 now.


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## growingstronger (Oct 4, 2021)

Not sure why this thread died. I answered a few questions.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

growingstronger said:


> Not sure why this thread died. I answered a few questions.


It didn't really die yet...it's just that people get addicted to the more salacious threads and end up bombing those with posts, moving the tamer threads down the list. I'm sure other posters would have come back to this one shortly.

And for the record, you are correct - her weight has NOTHING to do with anything if it's not an issue for you.

So are you looking for advice and ideas of how to improve your relationship so you can stay with her? Or are you still looking for general support for leaving her?


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