# Stepson possibly stealing...how to handle



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'm hoping to get some advice on how to handle this situation.

I've started a small side business that I do on the weekends. From the profits, I've kept some cash on me that I use just for my business. I do not spend this cash on anything else. 

This morning, I realized that my wallet felt much lighter and was easier to close. I counted the money and found that I was about $50-$70 short. I asked my wife if she took any money out of my wallet and she said no. So that leaves my stepson.

Long story, short....hes been asking me for money everyday. He doesnt want to work for it, he just wants to be given money. He stays home during the summer. He doesnt eat the food at home, skates all day, and comes home after we get off work and hes not hungry. I figure he has to be eating out with his friends because the kid is always hungry. Where is he getting money to eat out everyday? He broke his skateboard and asked for a new one. We told him no and his friend generously gave him one. I'm thinking he gave his friend money for it. 

Problem is, I've got no concrete proof it was him. My gut has been telling me to not leave my wallet lying around. I dont know why, but its just been a very strong gut feeling that he was going to take money from my wallet. Like I said, I dont touch this money unless its for my side venture. I know what I had Saturday and I havent spent a single dollar since, but I'm missing between $50-$70. There is no other explanation other than he took it and add in the fact hes been hounding us for money for the past few days....well its hard not to put 2 and 2 together.

So how should I handle this since I didnt catch him red handed and just have strong suspicions?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you need to talk to your wife about this, before you do anything else. 

C


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Does your wife agree he's stealing the money?

What's the situation between you and your wife concerning her son?

If it were me and I needed actual evidence I'd simply set him up and record the theft on video.

Can't really argue with that


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Waste of time to accuse without evidence.
I would lock up money. 

You have to talk to your wife about what the plan of escalating consequences should be.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> I think you need to talk to your wife about this, before you do anything else.
> 
> C


We have been talking all morning. She of course cant believe her angel could do that. I asked her if she believed he would be watching porn and get caught smoking like he did. That closed her argument pretty quick.

She thinks I'm forgetting something I spent money on. I told her I've been trying and hoping that I did forget. Saturday morning I spent the cash and had documented the amount. We did nothing the rest of the day. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I did nothing business related and, as I said earlier, I never use that cash for any other reason. 

My wife knows something isnt right, just like I do, but she just doesnt want to believe it. I've looked for every explanation possible. I dont want to believe it either. I just had an extremely large gut feeling he was doing this and he is the only logical explanation as to why money is missing.

Without actually catching him red handed, I dont know if I should confront him.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Difficult situation. You wouldn't want to be wrong and falsely accuse him, but based on what you say, he probably took the money.

If your wife is going to be on the defensive about it, maybe you should just ask your stepson directly. You could perhaps say that you left some cash lying around and did he think it was for him and perhaps took it by mistake. This leaves him a way out.

If he says that he didn't I think you're out of luck. Just lock up your wallet and other valuables from now on.

Concerning the fact that he always asks for money and doesn't work, is this something you can change? Is his mother in agreement with you that it's not right for a child to freeload off of his parents?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> We have been talking all morning. She of course cant believe her angel could do that. .


Oops! posted at the same time as you did. This is what I thought may happen...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

That's why you can't confront him. She is in denial.

What you should tell her is IF he is stealing, what is she on board with doing? Pressing charges? Kicking him out? Punishment? Then you tell her you may plant a hidden camera. 

Or just lock down your money. Stealing money is a relatively common problem with kids.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Omego said:


> Concerning the fact that he always asks for money and doesn't work, is this something you can change? Is his mother in agreement with you that it's not right for a child to freeload off of his parents?


I met her when he was 7. My wife suffered from a problem a lot of single mothers suffered from with their little boy. They felt guilty that the kid had a loser father so they became over protective and never showed them tough love. I told her my stepmother did that with her son and he has grown up to be a loser. An older friend of ours did the same thing and she said she regrets it so much because her son is in his 40s and still cant take care of himself right.

I've been telling her from day 1 that this was going to happen and shes finally seeing how right I was. I understand teenage boys and laziness. This boy is beyond laziness. I fear that he will be a constant financial burden on us for a long time. 

As much as i've tried to get this boy to get some work ethic, he has none. He is applying for his first job and I doubt he will last a week. He doesnt want to make money, he wants to be given money. 

I know he took the money. I know he is falling down a slippery slope in other things too. I see it, my wife doesnt it. He is weak minded and a follower. We've already busted him smoking. The other day he left a lighter on the hall desk. I know he is probably doing drugs at worst, smoking cigs at best. My wife will always be in denial but she knows deep down that he did it and that there are other issues.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> We have been talking all morning. She of course cant believe her angel could do that. I asked her if she believed he would be watching porn and get caught smoking like he did. That closed her argument pretty quick.
> 
> She thinks I'm forgetting something I spent money on. I told her I've been trying and hoping that I did forget. Saturday morning I spent the cash and had documented the amount. We did nothing the rest of the day. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I did nothing business related and, as I said earlier, I never use that cash for any other reason.
> 
> ...


1. Teens take stuff from their parents without asking.
2. They lie about it.
3. They'll grow up.

IF you catch him, then do something then. Right now, you have only two legitimate choices - one is to set him up to get caught and the other is to simply guard your stuff better. 

The choice you make will likely have far-reaching consequences with both him and mom, so tread carefully. If I was in your shoes (again... because I have been there a few times now!) I would be very watchful, never leave more than a small amount of money, and if it continued to disappear and my spouse didn't believe me, I'd then set up for the takedown and force a resolution.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> The choice you make will likely have far-reaching consequences with both him and mom, so tread carefully. If I was in your shoes (again... because I have been there a few times now!) I would be very watchful, never leave more than a small amount of money, and if it continued to disappear and my spouse didn't believe me, I'd then set up for the takedown and force a resolution.


My wife knows he took it. She just doesnt want to believe it. We asked him about it yesterday when we got home from work. Now I'm not expert in body language and eye movement, but lets just say those things were out of the ordinary when he was answering back. 

Bottom line, I know how much I had, and I specifically know the types of bills I had. I had 20s, 10s, 5s, and 1s. All I have now is 20s and 1s. 

The thing that concerns me is I've been warning my wife since day 1 that she has been "babying" him and not teaching him discipline, work ethic, and respect. Even when she grounds him for a week, that usually only lasts for a day or two. He is 16 and is beyond lazy, does not understand the value of a dollar, has absolutely zero work ethic, is very disrespectful, and apparently now a thief. Even before this, I was concerned because I see him going down a slippery slope.

As I said earlier, he is weak minded and a follower. Academically, he is way behind and at this point the school system pretty much just passes him because his remedial classes are a joke. He is already getting into smoking something. Not sure if its just cigarettes or weed.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> As much as i've tried to get this boy to get some work ethic, he has none. He is applying for his first job and I doubt he will last a week. He doesnt want to make money, he wants to be given money.
> 
> I know he took the money. I know he is falling down a slippery slope in other things too. I see it, my wife doesnt it. He is weak minded and a follower. We've already busted him smoking. The other day he left a lighter on the hall desk. I know he is probably doing drugs at worst, smoking cigs at best. My wife will always be in denial but she knows deep down that he did it and that there are other issues.


The situation is going to become more and more difficult for you, as you are not the parent. Does the mother work or are you responsible for both of them financially?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Omego said:


> The situation is going to become more and more difficult for you, as you are not the parent. Does the mother work or are you responsible for both of them financially?


We both work. She knows whats happening, she just doesnt want to believe it. 

She knows that he took the money but its one of those things that she needs to see for herself for her to totally believe it. She knows there is no other logical explanation for the money missing.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> We both work. She knows whats happening, she just doesnt want to believe it.
> 
> She knows that he took the money but its one of those things that she needs to see for herself for her to totally believe it. She knows there is no other logical explanation for the money missing.


I had problems with my H not wanting to see certain things about his son too (no stealing) but general laziness, bad grades at school, lying etc. My H was counting on me to turn him around, which did not work because I am not the parent and his son had been used to an extremely lax upbringing which didn't correspond to the way I raise my kids. My H works all of the time and has no interest in making efforts with his teenage son.

So I decided I would stop being involved and put the responsibility fully on my H. I told him that this is what I had decided to do, and he understood. He also thanked me for trying. As long as the child is polite, that's enough for me. I don't concern myself about anything else. It's worked out really well for me and now my H will have to deal with whatever problems are linked to his son (ie. the kid failing out of school).

I think that this is your best bet. Lock up your valuables, go about your business, and when your wife's son gets into trouble with the law, she'll have to deal with it. If she doesn't want to see the problem now, she'll be forced to see it later. Distance yourself from the entire situation. You'll be better off. As long as you have a cordial relationship with the son, of course, and as long as he's respectful.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Take away his opportunities to steal, lock your money away and lock your bedroom door any time you are not in there. I had to do this because of my son, and still continue because I don't fully trust him.

Kids will steal, lie and basically prowl thru your stuff given the chance, that's why you take away that option. As for confronting him....probably will do no good but I would certainly make everyone in the house aware that you know you are missing money, if nothing else it may make him realize you are keeping track.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Dealing with stepchildren can be hellish.

I don't think you have necessarily done anyone any favours by constantly pointing out to your wife what a feckless loser he will turn out to be. That's her baby you are talking about, and however ghastly a baby he may be, she will only get defensive of him.

He, I am sure, knows exactly what you think of him even if you have not said so in so many words. At his age he is far more likely to behave as he does in response than to buck his ideas up. He will also know that his mother is a pushover.

My approach when the teenage stepkids had to live with us was to lay down certain standards that had to be adhered to for us to live vaguely harmoniously under one roof and to make it known what the consequences were if the standards were not met. Then the consequences were absolutely applied. However I laid down very few standards; mostly it was up to my husband to deal with the upbringing of the children. If it didn't directly affect me, I let it fall to him. As a step parent you do need to tread carefully. 

I personally would not have said anything about the missing money beyond asking my husband if he had taken it. Then my approach would have been to lock down my cash and valuables so they could not be taken. Setting him up to be caught red handed is an option but you still have your wife to deal with and I can't see that any good will come of showing her some video footage. Unless she actually walks in and sees him dipping into the wallet with her own eyes you will always be the bad guy, even if she doesn't say so.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Set up camera and bait him in.

Does he have any responsibilities around the house? What is his way of contributing towards the household? 

He needs to get a job and start contributing financially as well.

Sooner you teach him responsibility and sooner he gets the job, the faster he will mature and learn that the only person that will take care of him is HIMSELF.

Confront him once you have the footage. If he stole before, he will steal again.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

He does have responsibilities but getting him to do them is another matter. It would be a compliment to call his "work" half assed. Hes always asking for money so I gave him the opportunity to cut our small yard for a decent allowance. Of course he cuts it like crap as fast as he can and expects to be paid. He gets pissed that hes working and doesnt take care of the equipment. After breaking my weed eater for the second time I no longer allow him to cut the yard.

His grandfather felt bad and told him he could cut his much bigger yard for cash. Needless to say his grandfather wanted to strangle him after about 20 minutes and basically told him to go home and he would finish. 

Anyways, he came home begging me for money the other day. He was asking what he could do for money. He wanted to cut the yard, clean, do anything for cash. I told him everything had been done and there was nothing for him to do at this time. Next morning when I grab my wallet as I'm leaving for work, it felt much lighter and thinner.

My wife knows in her heart of hearts that he stole it. She just wants to catch him red handed and she even told me to set a trap for him. Shes holding out hope that I misplaced the cash or spent it and just cant remember. 

Believe me, I get no joy out of thinking the kid is a loser. Unfortunately, he is. I've tried my hardest to raise him as I would raise my own but shes resisted me all these years because she feels sorry for him because his bio father is a total loser who abandoned him. I'm hoping there is still a way to get through to him but when I give him tough love he just views me as the A-hole step parent who gets mad at him because hes not my kid. 

I've tried my hardest to raise him to be a good man but he knows a chain is only as strong as its weakest link....and he knows how to break that link easily. He tells me he wants a job and I've been taking him to apply, but his writing skills and penmanship are so bad that no one is calling back.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You and your wife have a difficult hill to climb. 

I read oodles of disrespectful judgments about your wife and stepson. I wouldn't consider your wife to be the only weak link in this dynamic.

Hawk, you're the one here seeking feedback. The only person you can effectively change is you.

If you want the dynamic with your stepson to change, then you are going to need to change.

How would the look for you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> He does have responsibilities but getting him to do them is another matter.


Tough ****, he either does them WITHOUT you nagging or he is grounded. Take away TV....Phone....whatever else he likes.



hawx20 said:


> It would be a compliment to call his "work" half assed. Hes always asking for money so I gave him the opportunity to cut our small yard for a decent allowance.


Reason he asks is because you guys probably give it to him.

And no, yard work is CONTRIBUTION TO HOUSEHOLD, not something he gets paid for.

My 13 year old son LOVES cutting the grass and NEVER asks for money. He knows it's his way of contributing!!!

The reason why my kids don't ask for money, is because they know I don't do hand outs.

We don't do allowance either....




hawx20 said:


> Of course he cuts it like crap as fast as he can and expects to be paid. He gets pissed that hes working and doesnt take care of the equipment. After breaking my weed eater for the second time I no longer allow him to cut the yard.


He should've been paying to FIX IT. He owes you!!!



hawx20 said:


> His grandfather felt bad and told him he could cut his much bigger yard for cash. Needless to say his grandfather wanted to strangle him after about 20 minutes and basically told him to go home and he would finish.
> 
> Anyways, he came home begging me for money the other day. He was asking what he could do for money. He wanted to cut the yard, clean, do anything for cash. I told him everything had been done and there was nothing for him to do at this time. Next morning when I grab my wallet as I'm leaving for work, it felt much lighter and thinner.
> 
> ...


This sounds like a classic case of Mother spoiling her kid and doing SEVERE damage by doing so.

My brother in law is like this. Even though his mom had no money she bought him things and spoiled him. Now he is a 30 year old BOY that feels the world owes him everything.

Completely negligent/irresponsible and just plain stupid. Kid doesn't appreciate ANYTHING.

I can't stand people like that, makes me sick to my stomach.

Your beef is with your wife FIRST, your son second. 

You need to teach and show your wife how her son takes advantage of her "kind heart". Tell her "how does your son show you love?".

As in ACTIONS. Words are cheap, love is defined with action. What does her son do to show his mother that he loved her?

Chances are high the answer is NOTHING.

Show her REALITY, she is simply blinded by her "kind" mother heart and her son is using that against her.

VERY common BTW

I'm all about tough love, and thankfully I have a wife that is able to see through the BS (with a little help from me of course).


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

If you want cooperation first step is to stop cutting down her parenting and her child. How involved would you be if she kept yapping about what a louse of a step dad you are? Not saying the kid isn't a bum and a thief - but she will never see it if she is too busy defending him. We have that dynamic in our marriage. Until my husband has raised a child from start to finish (moved when they were teens) and raised a perfect child (two don't speak to him, one is a user), he can keep his judgements to himself. Not saying my kids are perfect angels, but judging and cutting them and me down gets blocked ears from me. If he approaches like he truly sees and wants to solve a problem - I'm all in. That said - OP might just be venting here and approach wife completely different - but if it is done negatively - she will be so busy defending that she won't see the big picture - son is stealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> My wife knows he took it. She just doesnt want to believe it. We asked him about it yesterday when we got home from work. Now I'm not expert in body language and eye movement, but lets just say those things were out of the ordinary when he was answering back.
> 
> Bottom line, I know how much I had, and I specifically know the types of bills I had. I had 20s, 10s, 5s, and 1s. All I have now is 20s and 1s.
> 
> ...


I went through some stuff with my husband and stepdaughter like this. Almost identical except that my husband didn't "know" his daughter was doing those things... he believed her version, which was that I was just picking on her.

She ended up on meth and is now 18 and pregnant, living with the dad who refuses to call her a girlfriend and blatantly tells her he is moving out the minute he can afford to. (Neither of them support themselves financially. They pool their resources with another person who earns more than both of them.)

I hope your wife gets with the program, but it may already be too late if he is 16.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What would you do if you had video catching him stealing the money?

Whatever your actions would be, I would do them now (without needing the evidence).

Shaming is probably going to produce the opposite effect you desire. If you go the "tough love" route, make sure you include the love part.

I'd set up consequences for this, make sure he has to earn the money back. Sell his possessions to pay for it if necessary. Remove the "comforts" of life until he earns them.

Volunteering may work wonders. Have him do some volunteering at a homeless shelter, or do some mission work in a developing country. That kind of shock can really change a person.

But none of that is going to work if you don't have the support of his mother.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Well just to give an update....

Last friday we were grabbing a bite to eat and talking about my stepson and how I know he stole the money. As we left, the next building over he is there with his friends and he has a cigarette in his mouth. We both saw him, stopped the car, and my wife told him to get in the car now!

When we got home I knew he was on the ropes so I kept on him about the money. Sure enough, he confessed to taking it. I took away his cell phone and went through message after message about smoking and being high. There was even a message to a damn drug dealer for marijuana.

Finally my wife saw it with her own damn eyes and she cant deny it any longer. She said it was the wake up call she needed. Hes still a good kid but I warned her long ago he was heading down a dark path. Luckily I think now that she faces reality, we can get his butt back on track.

So his summer is over. He's grounded for the rest of it. His beloved skateboard is gone and hes dying without his cell phone. Hes been working at his grandparents house washing the car and mowing their yard and the money they give him comes straight back to me until he pays me back.

I just hope this is a valuable lesson learned. I know it was for my wife.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Glad it worked out for you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you guys considered some form of family counseling, or do you think you have it under control?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hawx20 said:


> Well just to give an update....
> 
> Last friday we were grabbing a bite to eat and talking about my stepson and how I know he stole the money. As we left, the next building over he is there with his friends and he has a cigarette in his mouth. We both saw him, stopped the car, and my wife told him to get in the car now!
> 
> ...


well its great your on the road to turning this boy around........how old is he?

you have complained about his poor standards in reguards to work and quality of work. If I may sugest something ......I would try working with him and teaching by example and praising him when he dose good. spending as much time with him as possible and explaining that everybody has to make their own way in the world and the sooner he realises that most likley he will not have as good a life by being a slacker as if he put his nose the the grind stone so to speak. When he slips up or has an attitude try to be patient but stern. may be some short and long term goals....like saving for a car and getting some schooling for furure employment.

some chores he should do just because hes part of a family and everbody has to do their part thats how families work. smoking pot!!!!!! go to the drug store and buy some testing kits. lay down the law its not allowed in this house and if want to be part of this family then you can either go find your own way in the world NOW or stop and have the continued suport of the family so you get a good fresh start at being a man who can provide for him self and maybe have a family of his own smoe day.


all this can be done with a kind hand and understanding but a firm stance and a willingness to stick to your guns when you need to.



good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

A lot of good advice and many perspectives have been expressed here. You have your wife's eyes open. Now you need to start building.

Do something with him. Pick ANYTHING he has done better than half-assed and compliment him. Because he's been good/helpful - whatever positive thing you can say about him, tell him you are taking him skating. Go out to the skate park WITH him. Ask him to show you some moves. Tell him it's cool/he's good at it. Time to go home. Brag to his Mom about him. Then drop it.

I think you need to develop a positive relationship with him. It sounds as if most of your interactions have been negative. Start with one positive hour.

Next, ask him about his interests. What does he think he wants to do? What subject does his like (or hate less)? Even if it's graffiti art and there's no real living at it, encourage it - in that instance, buy some 1/4" plywood for him to paint a mural for his room on and help hang it. Whatever his interest, if it isn't illegal, encourage it.

Once you see the relationship evolving, discuss the future more. Instead of harping on grades, talk about life. Set expectations, i.e. after high school he goes to school - vocational, community college - something - or he gets a job. Make sure you and wife are on the same page here. Get on the computer and look up apartments. Estimate utilities, clunker car - show him what it costs to live. Let him pick the place, the car, the furniture from ads, etc. Give him something to think about as he considers his future. He has to come to his own conclusions - you just give him food for thought.

Lastly, if you give him a chore and he doesn't do it well, don't take it over. Age old trick for getting out of stuff - how many husbands don't bother to unload the dishwasher because the wife complains it isn't done right and pushes him aside? The husband just got out of unloading the dishwasher for the rest of his life now. The kid knows if he doesn't do it well you'll tell him to stop and you'll do it. Instead, go out there, take the weed eater from him and show him how it should be done. Go back out there and check. Missed a spot? Point it out, don't take the weed eater and do it for him. Same with the lawn. He got off easy at grandparents. Eventually he'll see if he does a bad job, he'll still have to do the work only it will take twice as long.

Tell him what to do (check string, oil, etc - whatever) and that if anything breaks because of his carelessness, he pays for it. Go ahead with the allowance only put it into a lock box. When there is enough to reimburse you, take it. Show him every time you put money in, and write the balance on a sheet of paper you keep in there. (Cleaning room, etc. is not a paid service - stuff that is above and beyond normal work such as cleaning garage.)

When there is enough, take him to buy a new skateboard. Tell him that he will be subjected to random drug tests and that you take the board away and no more skate park if he tests positive. Same with bad grades.

I think if you work on a positive relationship with him, have Mom on board with punishments and rewards he will turn around. Show him you have confidence he can be more and expect it. Set limits and enforce them. Encourage anything positive he has going for him. If everything is taken away all of the time he'll have no reason to try - that's why I think he needs SOMETHING to work for/look forward to. Show him you are trying to understand his interests. Get him to talk. Ask about his latest trick move, his favorite skater, get him to show you videos of his favorite skater on line after dinner. 

These are rough years and who he is now isn't who he will be. Yes, they are formative but don't you know people from your younger years who turned around? The partier who attends church every sunday now, and is a family man and involved in the community? Or the rumored ****ty girl who heads up the PTA now? Or the kid who barely passed English but he owns his own car repair shop? Don't write him off because he's lazy or careless now. He's immature because he's a kid, not a little adult.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Great post by EW. He doesn't just need consequences for his actions. He needs to see a path to better actions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sounds like he needs to live with his father.
Is that possible?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's stealing and smoking dope (at least). This isn't a "good" kid. This is a kid making very wrong, very stupid choices and he needs a very determined leash-jerk before it is too late. I would go easy on the compliments until he has done something to honestly earn them. If it is possible, I wouldn't have him work for his grandparents. He'd be working for me, under my nose, emulating my example, performing to my standards. I'm the one he stole from. He owes me, not his grandparents. He has violated my trust, not their's. He disrespected me, not his grandparents. If I had to take off two weeks vacation to work his fanny into the ground, It would be time well spent. Near the end of the two weeks, we'd go camping, to a ball game, or otherwise do some guy stuff, but only if he has honestly shown me some real effort. If he worked well, I'd start giving him assigned chores with clear standards. If he performed well, I'd pay him, praise him, and assign him something more challenging. Responsible behavior = more freedom. Immature behavior = hell on earth with massive adult supervision (which can always get more hellish and more massive).


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Pick up "Boundaries with Teens" by Townsend. It may give you some insight you haven't thought of. 

Don't hold back doing things with him. If I remember, you're really more his dad then the bio father. So rejection will be one the things that sends him spiralling.

As for your W, she'll need too understand parenting by guilt will hurt him, not help him.


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