# In a daze.....



## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this post to be posted in (please feel free to point me in the right direction if it's not) but here goes...

I'm 31. My wife and I have been married for about 9 months and have been together for around six years....No kids, thankfully.

There have always been problems in our relationship. I don't know where to begin really. In very general terms, we never quite connected in the way we were "supposed" to. 

I am a high-achieving professional, but I have deep-seeded emotional problems. Trust, anger, depression, bouts of almost crippling anxiety, fear of failure, low self-confidence, family issues etc. In many ways, I am deeply, deeply ****ed up. 

She fell head over heels in love with me almost immediately after we met. I liked her and the affection, but certain things about her just didn't feel right. She didn't like my friends, she wasn't motivated in the same ways I was, she was extremely stubborn and reactive in ways that I just didn't like.

Our families were a source of continuous friction. Her family really wanted it to work between us. At several near break-up points her father actually interceded on her behalf and urged us to stay together.

My family never quite accepted her -- which was perhaps a product of my ambivalence. She and her family took this very hard, because it was basically a rejection of her...

Somehow we stayed together for six years and ended up getting married. Part of me blamed my mixed-feeling toward her on my own issues, part of me thought that somehow things were just meant to be and would work out and part of me thought that the whole idea of "love" is sort of a chick-flick, fairy-tale thing that girls are conditioned to buy into and that the reality is that people always have issues with their spouse that wax-and-wane throughout life (pretty cynical, I know).

Anyway things have come to a head. She moved out two weeks ago, and this morning we met with a marriage counselor and basically agreed that we should end this now.

Sorry for the long build-up. Basically, I am very sad. I look at old pictures of us and it is just overwhelming. Were things actually good at one point? Why couldn't I see it at the time? Is it me or her? I am ashamed of myself. What happens now? We had this big stupid wedding...People will snicker "9 months" when they find out. I'm going to be labeled. I don't have a good support network at the moment and I don't know how to piece things together and just start a new life. I'm scared and lonely......

Again, sorry to just dump this all out there. Appreciate any thoughts/ advice you might have....

Dave


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Dave22 said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> ...and part of me thought that the whole idea of "love" is sort of a chick-flick, fairy-tale thing that girls are conditioned to buy into and that the reality is that people always have issues with their spouse that wax-and-wane throughout life (pretty cynical, I know).


Actually, you got it right. Hollywood flicks are fairy-tail, and marriage issues in the real world are normal.



> Anyway things have come to a head. She moved out two weeks ago, and this morning we met with a marriage counselor and basically agreed that we should end this now.
> 
> Dave


So which is it? Do you want to end the marriage or do you want to save it?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

You need to seek IC whether you stay together or not -- you yourself said you have major issues.

Also, you both need to have you families back way off -- and let you live you own lives.

This is just a start from what you wrote.


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

AlmostYoung said:


> Actually, you got it right. Hollywood flicks are fairy-tail, and marriage issues in the real world are normal.
> 
> 
> 
> So which is it? Do you want to end the marriage or do you want to save it?



That's sort of it. Neither of us is happy with where things are now. My gut tells me this is over and never should have been. I guess my problem is trying to figure out how to swallow that pill.


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

jh52 said:


> You need to seek IC whether you stay together or not -- you yourself said you have major issues.
> 
> Also, you both need to have you families back way off -- and let you live you own lives.
> 
> This is just a start from what you wrote.


Thanks, the family thing has been really hard. The lead up to the wedding was a nightmare. 

We are both going to see the marriage counselor independently for a few sessions and then regroup. I'm going to see someone on my own to try to resolve my ****. 

It's just a pretty scary and confusing thing to see the wheels get set in motion and actually start down the divorce "process".


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Dave. My heart just goes out to you.

We are trained to believe in the fairy-tale love that lasts forever. The truth is, some loves do not last forever. I know you feel ashamed, but you really shouldn't. You are taking steps to move your life forward. Yes, you could spend another nine years and be unhappy and find yourself right back in the same spot.

And people will not snicker. Not the people who matter, anyway.

I hope you keep posting. Lots of support here, no matter what you decide. Good luck, amigo.


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, Dave. My heart just goes out to you.
> 
> We are trained to believe in the fairy-tale love that lasts forever. The truth is, some loves do not last forever. I know you feel ashamed, but you really shouldn't. You are taking steps to move your life forward. Yes, you could spend another nine years and be unhappy and find yourself right back in the same spot.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot for the kind words. I haven't told anyone yet and I am dreading those conversations with family, friends and co-workers. What sort of explanations are they entitled to? Should I just go somewhere new and start over? 

One minute you think you have a course in life more or less charted out for yourself, spouse, future kids, etc. and then the doubts that you always had, the feeling in the pit of your stomach actually comes to pass....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Dave22 said:


> What sort of explanations are they entitled to? Should I just go somewhere new and start over?


No one is entitled to an explanation. This is your life. If you want to share some details with family or close friends, then that's your choice, but I doubt you'll get much prying. It's always good to have a stock answer ready, something vague like, "we just had some problems we couldn't work out" or even "Thanks for asking, but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet." It's really no one's business but yours.

As to going somewhere new, that is completely up to you. If you are happy otherwise where you are (job, friends, etc), then heck no, don't leave.

Keep in mind -- this is a horrible personal trauma for you (and her, too), but it's not 1945 and divorce is not a huge social stigma anymore. You'll realize soon enough that no one will bat an eye over it.

Again, best of luck to you.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Dave22 said:


> Thanks a lot for the kind words. I haven't told anyone yet and I am dreading those conversations with family, friends and co-workers. What sort of explanations are they entitled to? Should I just go somewhere new and start over?
> 
> One minute you think you have a course in life more or less charted out for yourself, spouse, future kids, etc. and then the doubts that you always had, the feeling in the pit of your stomach actually comes to pass....


Alot of what you wrote hit home to me. However, I'm on the other side of the situation. My STBXW's family never accepted me and it was a HUGE problem in our relationship. Her family would tell her repeatedly to leave me..etc..etc..

If she feels like you haven't stood up for her and your relationship with people in your family that don't approve of her or your relationship with her, then that could be a source of her resentment...I know it was in my case...

You don't have to say anything to anyone. Its your business, not theirs.. 

If you are both communicating with each other and you want to work on it, keep those lines open and clear.


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

geek down said:


> Alot of what you wrote hit home to me. However, I'm on the other side of the situation. My STBXW's family never accepted me and it was a HUGE problem in our relationship. Her family would tell her repeatedly to leave me..etc..etc..
> 
> If she feels like you haven't stood up for her and your relationship with people in your family that don't approve of her or your relationship with her, then that could be a source of her resentment...I know it was in my case...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insight. My family's attitude towards her and my failure to really push back on her behalf were a huge part of the problem and definitely led to her having feelings of resentment, etc.

The thing was that she picked battles that just didn't make sense. She thought my brother's girlfriend was catty and confrontational and from everything I saw there was never anything remotely like that. She thought my friends were unwelcoming, but I didn't see it.

We would argue about it and she just dug in. I had to negotiate with her to see friends and family. It's a chicken and egg thing. Did their subtle dislike of her lead her to resent them and my not taking her side, or did my friends and family see these things in her and basically just form their own opinions which they generally kept to themselves with mixed results.

I guess I could have just chose one side or the other and gone with that, but I always saw the good in her and friends/ family and it just never made sense to me to shut my friends and family out for her sake or to leave her because not everyone saw the positive qualities in her that I did.

I always thought she would mature or something but I guess the moral is you can't maintain a relationship on a hope that you're spouse will change.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

My wife left me because I refused to accept a second class role in her life. I was her husband and I should take priority over anyone else outside our life together... I was always put on the back burner, so she could play nice with people she would tell me she didn't actually like...And then there she was not defending me when they would insult me. She wouldn't defend me for anything. And that lack of defense killed my self esteem and made a deep devide between us.. We never really healed because it was always a new insult or comment that would be said and then she'd just let it happen..

I did the same thing.. I let friends leave, I lost contact with family to try to fix the problem.. But it was never me that was the problem.. She wouldn't defend me for anything from the same people that she would complain endlessly about...Yet their happiness was paramount over mine and hers..

My friends hated her, and some of my family does to. not for her lack of a backbone, but for the fact that she complain endlessly about it and then go and do the same thing over and over..

You need to find out just what it is that sets her off and either try to fix it, or move on. 

You shouldn't have to choose sides and in this case, as with mine, family made it impossible for us to grow together...and the end result was her cheating on me to get pregnant and then leaving me with nothing..

My father in law(a complete azz who should never of had kids), told us the DAY we announced our engagement that there is no hope of this marriage working and there is no divorce in his family.. Well...There is divorce in his family now and his comments went undefended by my STBXW and that wound never healed because everytime he would say it, she would just let him...


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

geek down said:


> My wife left me because I refused to accept a second class role in her life. I was her husband and I should take priority over anyone else outside our life together... I was always put on the back burner, so she could play nice with people she would tell me she didn't actually like...And then there she was not defending me when they would insult me. She wouldn't defend me for anything. And that lack of defense killed my self esteem and made a deep devide between us.. We never really healed because it was always a new insult or comment that would be said and then she'd just let it happen..
> 
> I did the same thing.. I let friends leave, I lost contact with family to try to fix the problem.. But it was never me that was the problem.. She wouldn't defend me for anything from the same people that she would complain endlessly about...Yet their happiness was paramount over mine and hers..
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that this had to happen to you geek down. In certain ways I see a similarity between how you're wife treated you/ neglected your feelings and the ways I and my family have been towards my wife.

What frustrates me is that she tries so hard around my friends and family and then overreacts to percieved slights that are not really there (IMO). For instance, my friends or family will talk about books or politics and she will just go out of her way to basically brag about her knowledge on the subject, even though she really isn't adding anything to the conversation. It's like she's trying to prove herself in these situations, but the end result is that people just think she is trying too hard. After a certain point, even the most patient people can't have a hard time listening to someone just try to show off their knowledge or insight. 

She's not really like this around her friends or family which makes me think it is just some sort of inferiority complex. I wish she could just relax and talk like a normal person and not try so hard.

She reads into my friends and family's reactions to her and thinks they are just bad people who want to blow her off. When I say that she just needs to relax, she blows up and says I never support her.

The support thing is an ongoing issue, because her mother had some pretty serious emotional/ behavioral problems and her dad has always stuck by her without any criticisms/ judgments, etc. and always says how madly in love with her he has always been and always will be. He says this in spite of his wife's recurring bouts with alcoholism and often abrasive comments towards others. 

I'm just not like that I guess. I can't just accept my wife's insecure/ antiscocial behavior and say "well that is just the way you are and I love you for it." It makes me angry and resentful. Should I have to abandon my friends and family because she can't overcome her own feelings of inferiority? If I don't isolate myself from friends do I love her less? Should I wait for her to grow out of these issues or am I the one that really needs to change?


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

She might be trying so hard so that she's not considered an outsider. I know my wife would do that and she'd talk and talk and talk about anything, everything, nothing just to get people to like her, and it made matters so much worse.

She is probably insecure because of the way your family is with her. not being accepted by family is a wound that never, ever heals and just keeps festering..


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