# calm down & talk to him...



## ILLqueen (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi guys,

I need some help, I am married to a wonderful man who helps around the house, makes me laugh and works very hard. The one problem we have though is talking about the budget. It's like he doesn't want to even discuss it & it becomes a huge elephant in the room. To make matters worse, we recently went through a very tough time financially, see we started a business together, everything was going well but when the economy went south, we had to close our business, and almost lost our house. Even though we're back on our feet, clawing our way out of the enormous hole of debt, I'm still absolutely terrified of being broke again. I'm sure this paranoia contributes to my husband's reluctance to talk about finances but in the meantime, I have to be surprised about bills, (most of the time after they have become past due), through the mail rather than him telling me which makes me even more anxious. 

It's so hard not to get incredibly pissed off when I find these things but I don't know how to talk to him to get him to be more open so we're not in this situation in the future. I'm an admitted control freak and know I need to get this under control but in the meantime, I need help to figure out how to talk to him. I've even laid it all out there with him admitting I have this paranoia and need his help, but he still won't help budget or even talk about money because he says I'll just blow up at him & won't listen...

I'm not sure where to begin...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

According to Dr John Gottman



> Another behavior that needs to stop is emotional flooding – the fourth divorce predictor based on Dr. John Gottman’s research.
> 
> Flooding is your physiological reaction to a perceived threat. The threat can be real, it can be an old tape replaying [a pattern], or it can be imagined. Automatic, instinctive, reactive processes [emotions] rush in to protect you from threat.
> 
> ...


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks for that article. 

You just taught me a lot about H that I never knew.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

ILLqueen said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I need some help, I am married to a wonderful man who helps around the house, makes me laugh and works very hard. The one problem we have though is talking about the budget. It's like he doesn't want to even discuss it & it becomes a huge elephant in the room. To make matters worse, we recently went through a very tough time financially, see we started a business together, everything was going well but when the economy went south, we had to close our business, and almost lost our house. Even though we're back on our feet, clawing our way out of the enormous hole of debt, I'm still absolutely terrified of being broke again. I'm sure this paranoia contributes to my husband's reluctance to talk about finances but in the meantime, I have to be surprised about bills, (most of the time after they have become past due), through the mail rather than him telling me which makes me even more anxious.
> 
> ...


Well Girl, I am in the same position as you. I am VERY particular about the budget and my husband often states its because I am trying to avoid the lifestyle I had growing up where we were broke and always moving. We already don't have a lot of money and technically we are broke (but we aren't poor) thank God! I am trying to definitely prevent us from going to poor and this can be prevented by properly managing the money, paying the bills on time, keep debt down, and avoiding late and overdraft fees. My husband asked me to manage the budget because he is horrible with saving, managing, and holding on to money. Every thing is spend spend spend, I'll pay my debts later. NO! Well, sorry for all the background, but I guess I wanted to let you know I truly feel where you are coming from. My husband doesn't really like to talk about the budget either because he would have to truly face what discipline he has to have to keep our household on track. I would say because your husband is such a great guy otherwise, making you happy and even helping around the house (my husband complains everytime he has to do something other than go to work and sleep.) To avoid getting surprised by bills, I would talk with him about YOU being the only one who checks the mail. Explain to him your worries about surprise bills and him checking the mail and throwing the bills in corner keeps you from managing the budget and maintaining you all's lifestyle. Also, since he seems to allow you to take care of the budget and you are a control freak, I say be a control freak over the budget. Maybe set up a chart where he can see how the money flows, in case he asks. This will allow him to see whats going on and he'll probably be happy that you are responsibly handling this chore and helping to make his life better. I wouldn't force him to look at it though. I would also make sure he has a spending amount of his own that you CANNOT be a control freak over. He can do whatever he wants. You should have your own as well if you like. (I personally sacrifice mine because of our financial situation, my husband, just has to be able to spend something.) At minimum though, you all need to sit down once or twice a year to plan stuff for the upcoming months and years (travel, savings increases, investments, and other things that may change the budget.) I hear people say that both should be involved in the bill paying, I disagree. It really depends on the couple, if one person is honestly trustworthy of the other taking on the chore of paying the bills, then why not! And he helps you around the house too! Girl, I say focus on those good things, handle that budget, don't get upset cause he doesn't want to sit down with you. You all be happy, and one day, he'll ask to see whats going on. And in the meantime, you can just continue to politely ask "when are we going to go over the budget together." He may continue to say no, but he'll get it, and he'll sit down with you one day, especially if he loves you.


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