# Engaged, supposed to discuss marriage now but long distance fiancee just ignores me.



## jsriho (Mar 17, 2010)

I'm going through a very confusing problem in my life at the moment. This might get a bit long but i would be very grateful for any advice.

I have been dating my current girlfriend for 6 years now, 3 have been together, the last 3 long distance.
As with every long distance (re VERY long distance, 8 hours by plane journey) there have been serious problems, almost entirely in the last year.

Our plan was for us to get married once I completed my postgraduate studies, however they did not go as planned and took a while longer than I anticipated.
I neglected her for quite a while as I focussed on my studies, and long story short in the final year she cheated on me.
I didn't find out she cheated until after i visited her and we got engaged. (she continued to cheat even after we got engaged. Again to cut a long story short I went to visit her again, we made up, she came clean, we made plans to get married. she then instantly backed out of those plans when we became long distance again, and we broke up.
She then desperately tried to get back with me, and we did, she cried constantly and begged me to trust her and forgive her. 

Initially I was sceptical about it, and I took things slowly. She really enthusiastic but i kept things going slowly at a pace I was comfortable with so I could be sure it wasn't temporary.

She was actually seeming very sincere, after a few months things were going so well between us, I figured this could really work out and again. Everything was the same again before we ever had problems. We began preparing plans to get engagement visas for her to come over and she was extremely enthusiastic, I was initially cautious but became really confident that it would work and once again I fell for her again and basically life was bliss, all we talked about was being together. 

Anyway it took me longer than expected to find a job and she (having quit her job to prepare to come over) started to get a bit antsy and irritable and distant... (similar behaviour to when she was cheating). I began to get a bit paranoid and kept trying to reaffirm if everything was okay with her, and she insisted there wasn't, but things were clearly starting to change again, our conversations decreased in frequency instantly... seems she started talk to friends who may or may not have advised/warned/scared her about the decision she was about to make. Just three weeks ago she was massively enthused living with me and getting married, then suddenly it started to change. It made me start to get worried and with the stress and pressures of looking for a job, especially when I felt that if I didn't find a job soon my relationship will be in jeopardy I lost my cool a lot of times. She is the type of person who runs away from problems instead of confronting them, whereas i prefer to confront them. So when we have a problem in the relationship she runs away and avoids me. I got angry many times and would repeatedly try and call her to solve the issues and she would just keep avoiding me more and more and it just frustrated me more and more, until it reached ultimate low point where we had a massive argument about 10 days ago where she said doesn't know if she loves me any more, (she is the type who is quick to blurt she hates me or doesn't love me but almost never means it). A few days later (as expected) she mentioned she was sorry for saying that.

It so happened that literally a few days later, I secured a job starting immediately and I am enjoying so much at the moment, almost like the complete dream job.

I called her excitedly her about it and expected her to be extremely relieved and happy that we can finally plan for her to come over and go ahead with the plans that just two weeks ago she was for... instead she hardly showed any happiness or excitement.

I was literally stunned. She never even called me or came online to talk about for the next 2 days. I had to actually contact her and tell her come on skype.

i asked her what was going on, she said she is scared the way I over reacted and got so angry and frustrated the week before and that isn't a good sign and she is making such a big decision to leave and she needs to be sure the relationship will work and based on the last few days she is having doubts about it. I admit due to various pressures I was a bit excessively upset, but that is completely out of character and was entirely due to the stress caused by her pressuring me to find a job and being so distant from me and to base a decision like that on simply a single argument during a stressful time seems a bit crazy to me but I'm open ears to alternate opinions. 

I was now tired of the rollercoaster ride. I'm 28, but I'm too young to put up with this on going stress.
She has made my life hell for the past 18 months by being so volatile, one minute so loving then the next minute distant and cold. 

One minute making plans for marriage then the next minute ignoring me. So I said its probably best we break up and she calmly said ok. So I said well thats it for good? 
She says not for good just for a while, she then adds maybe it doesn't have to be for a while she will think about it over the weekend.
I figured maybe she was just scared by my recent stressed behaviour so I emailed her a small apology and explanation for my stressed behaviour and at least tried reassure her that I'm not some scary angry person as she seems to think I am.
She never replied to it but I didn't really mind, hopefully she read it i figured.

I sent her an email tuesday morning asking how she was, told her how much I like my job etc, still no reply.

I tried to call her wednesday morning, she probably didn't answer because she knew it was me. So I sent her a email saying asking her why is she ignoring me, but if thats what she wants well i will just accept that and move on with my life.

Maybe it was harsh but in truth, all I can do is get on with my life.

For the first time in quite a long while I'm really happy with my life, I just graduated, I like my job and I'm full of confidence... when we broke up the first time, I was stressed low on confidence and had no job and still had not graduated and a complete wreck.

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking, I won't let this girl drag my life down again the way she did before, I don't know if it is a good idea to marry someone so indecisive and volatile.

But I also just completely confused by her behaviour. If she wants the relationship to end, just end it. I suggested we end the relationship and she declined (she did this many times before as well)

If she doesn't want me to contact her why doesn't she just say 'give me time to think' or 'I don't want to talk to you' The last day we spoke she said she loved me (but to be honest those words don't really mean much to me any more when she says it...she says it and seems to not even know if she means it)

Being flat out ignored without any explanation by someone you love is actually extremely hurtful. I've given up trying to contact her now, and to be honest I'm close to just filtering her emails and blocking her out of my life for good to prevent her from screwing me over again if i don't hear from her soon. I feel like she is either trying to hold onto me until she is sure she wants to dump me at which point she will suddenly do it and I'm not about to be played like an idiot.

Is this the case... or is it just pre-marriage jitters. Being completely ignored in such a long distance relationship means I have no idea what is going on or what to do.

Thanks for reading and any advice/criticism is welcome...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yikes. You must be tapped out and exhausted.

Sorry that she is not sharing in her joy but focusing on herself. Frankly, I think the way she treats you is shameful and that you can use a rest from this kind of dynamic.

Perhaps you should relax, let go, think about why you let her jerk you around so much of the time. You deserve better treatment, but you won;t get it unless you expect it for yourself.

Lyn


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## jsriho (Mar 17, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Lyn.

Yes I am beyond exhausted. From my point of view i've given up so much to make this relationship work only to have her self-destruct it every time. She is extremely self-centered it seems.


She wasn't always like this... maybe I let her push me around because I hope that when we are together again she will return to her old self. I can't believe that for the 3 years we were together and 2 years long distance that she was acting the entire time. 

But in the last 2 years all I see is an extremely self-centered and self-absorbed and spolit little child. She seemed more mature when she was younger if that makes any sense.

I'm thinking it was a mistake to take her back. A part of me wants to run away and never look back... but that is easier said than done...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Well, taking her back....was another learning experience, a way to get more information so you can make the best decision.

I was once in a long relationship with someone who was very self-absorbed. It was misery and I finally began to lose my health, so I ended it. It took me a good 7 years to make the break for good.

Then, I discovered what it was like to be happy.

Lyn


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## jsriho (Mar 17, 2010)

It can be difficult especially if you really love them.

This girl is really good at make you fall in love with her, being all nice and loving and then suddenly just turning it off and being cold and inconsiderate and selfish after she has you hooked... 

I've had 4 emails and 2 calls ignored over the course of a week now.

The frustrating thing is I'm actually okay with having the relationship end, but to have it end like this is probably the only way she can really negatively affect me... and of course for some reason thats the method she chooses. 

I email to her phone asking her to at least just give me some closure to the relationship, just say it is over and i won't even reply I will just leave and she still won't even do that... 

It's really cruel and is giving me serious stress headaches... even when we broke up after she cheated on me, I never ignored her, if she desperately tried to contact me... I bet I should have.

And to think she said she loved me the last time she spoke... what a joke... honestly I deserve better than this...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Yes, she seems sort of sadistic. It's tough when the other person is being silent because it feels like they have all the power in the situation. You can flip this dynamic by writing an email which says something to the effect:

This is it. Your self-absorbtion/narcissism/_____ , not to mention your lack of compassion and civility have finally reached their limit with me.

You will no longer be hearing from me and I expect to not hear from you, translated: we are officially done.

I hope you can work through this and grow into whom you are supposed to be. (my note: so she won't inflict herself on the rest of humanity.) No one deserves to be treated as you have, me, and I am no longer your personal martyr.

Should you feel the urge to contact me, save yourself the heartache. Your calls are blocked and so is your email. 

Best Regards,


------------------------

Just a suggestion,

Lyn


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## jsriho (Mar 17, 2010)

She eventually talked to me and told me she doesn't know if she loves me anymore, basically showed pretty much no feelings at all.

She calls me over emotional because in fact she just toys with me.

after telling me she loved just a week ago and a month ago was literally dying to be with me. She now says she doesn't know if she loves me and won't even try to save the relationship.

She shows no emotion and no compassion.

I've learnt to be careful of who you fall in love with.

I think I fell in love with the wrong person...


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Well, she sure doesn't sound like she knows what she wants or she isn't willing to be honest about what she wants or she is unstable. In any case, it's like you're tied to her horse and she's dragging you along. 

The important thing is to not beat yourself up. We fall in love with the wrong people, we break up, we heal and we learn to love, again. Hopefully, we become wiser and more discerning. Still, even that is no guarantee against a broken heart, as I am learning, myself. A broken heart doesn't have to be the end of the world. It can be an opportunity for a new chapter.

Best,

Lyn


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## jsriho (Mar 17, 2010)

Almost a year has past now, Long story short, she was cheating on me with the same guy again. She convinced me to get back together, we discussed marriage again, only for her to just suddenly run of with the guy she was cheating with,.

Turns out she was cheating on me for a long time... from even earlier in the relationship and that the entire relationship was a fake. A waste of 6 years...

Lesson learnt... dodged a bullet not marrying her

That was 6 months ago.
Moved on and am much happier now with her out of my life for good.
:smthumbup:


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## GoingCrzy (Mar 28, 2011)

Happy to hear that you moved on, i wish i could get an answer to my situation..... but hey one less unhappy man on earth makes me happy


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