# Men, stress and sex



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

If I am pre occupied, stressed or under great pressure, sex is not the first thing on my mind so I ask this question of the men. 

My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?

I know everyone is different but if the general consensus is stress = lack of desire for sex then I will then know more about men than I do right now.

Thanks


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

As a man, I cannot think of anything that causes a lack of desire for sex. If he is stressed, showing him appreciation (not necessarily sexual) is a really great thing to do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I prefer the drink and massage and then real two person sex. Not a bj.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

I would gladly welcome a beer and a bj after a stressful day! It would be such a thoughtful (and sexy) gesture from an SO.


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## jman (Jun 20, 2012)

BJ sounds fantastic to me in that scenario, how do I get my wife to sign up???


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Sex and scotch would also do just fine  Or wine and a massage, or a 40 and 69...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex is a great stress-buster. A BJ is always the perfect gift for a man.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

If I am under stress, I find sex to be very relaxing. 

That said, the nature of the sex may be a bit different than usual. Not that I get kinky or anything, but the sex may have less of a sense of communication and more of a sense of urgency.

I think the common thread of these examples is that under stress, I need, more than ever, to lose myself in the act. 

* I may just want to kick back and enjoy a completely no-obligation BJ. Lose myself completely in the sensation. I don't want to have to think about anything. 

* I may want to pleasure my partner without regard to myself. Sometimes I can lose myself effectively by doing a massage, or by working over my partner with my finger tips and tongue, pushing her on to a climax. I may or may not want to join in when it's done. I'm sure this has all kinds of control-freak aspects to it.

* I may want to pretty much drag my partner off to the bedroom and jump right into things abruptly; again, taking control, but this time focusing on myself. 

A lot is going to depend on what is causing the stress, I suppose.

There is a BIG difference between the women I've had in my life and me on "sex during stress." Most women I've known do NOT even THINK about sex when they are under pressure, their mind is on the problem. _(I never understood this. I find that I can deal with whatever problem I'm having in my life better AFTER sex. The endorphins can help put things in perspective. I am relaxed and can attend to details. For me, it was much like taking a valium or an antidepressant -- with none of the inconvenient side effects like ED or Delayed Orgasm, but I digress)_

I've only experienced one woman, back in college, who seemed to have the same kind of feeling about sex. I was 20, she was 30, and we hooked up several times when she was under stress, sex was CLEARLY her outlet. 

My wife, occasionally, will seek sex during stress, but it may just be because, ironically, her sexual fulfillment had been put off too long because of stress. We have been undergoing a great deal of stress as a couple because of an aging and very ill family member who moved in with us for nearly a year. Not only was this an emotional situation, but we lost a great deal of privacy. Our house guest would go to the bathroom 3-4 times a night, and we had to keep our bedroom door open so we could rescue our guest if they fell or had problems. So, we would sneak a quickie now and then when we were pretty sure the elder was sleeping, but I knew it was mostly her being aware of how much sex helps ME relieve stress. I became the recipient of a number of quick, surprise BJs. Over all, the situation provided a very long dry spell for both of us. 

As for her own sexual fulfillment, my wife is very loud, it's nearly impossible for her to be quiet unless her mouth is full, and she must move around a lot before she can finish. Every once in a while, she would push aside caution and pretty much attack me and please herself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OK stress does not seem to put men off sex, that is good to know.

I am thinking I will pour his drink and whatever happens after that will be just fine. I was thinking BJ because I don't want him to feel like I am wanting anything from him. He already has enough people wanting his blood at the moment.



> There is a BIG difference between the women I've had in my life and me on "sex during stress." Most women I've known do NOT even THINK about sex when they are under pressure, their mind is on the problem. (I never understood this. I find that I can deal with whatever problem I'm having in my life better AFTER sex. The endorphins can help put things in perspective. I am relaxed and can attend to details. For me, it was much like taking a valium or an antidepressant -- with none of the inconvenient side effects like ED or Delayed Orgasm, but I digress)


Thanks for this, it is exactly what I wanted to know. I am a HD woman but when stressed I do not think about sex.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

well i hope his stress subsides. it seems like he has the right kind of woman by his side. i hope he is good to you, also.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Holland said:* My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?


 For the vast majority of men.. a GOOD thing ! Absolutely nothing outside of sickness deters my husbands interest in my touching leading to







...& the quickest way to get there starts with the blessid BJ.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Can't speak for other men, but the best sex for me is when I've been stressed and then it happens not long after I'm destressed. To me I dont really get into it if I'm still dealing with the thing that is causing stress is still present, and also if I feel like I haven't challenged myself in other ways then I don't want it as much. But when ALL my reward centers are firing in sync, then there is nothing more pleasurable...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> OK stress does not seem to put men off sex, that is good to know.
> 
> I am thinking I will pour his drink and whatever happens after that will be just fine. I was thinking BJ because I don't want him to feel like I am wanting anything from him. He already has enough people wanting his blood at the moment.
> 
> ...


HAVE YOU BEEN NOMINATED FOR SAINTHOOD YET?

A woman who sits around planning a BJ attack on her man instead of something that involves him using post hole diggers , pipe wrenches,and busting up ceramic floor tile.......

Maddam I doff my hat....:smthumbup:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well that made me laugh Woodchuck 

And yes Joe, he is an extraordinary man and very good to me.

SA sadly I was with a LD man for many years, stress or no stress, sex was not there. Now I find myself in a happy, wonderful life but with holes in my knowledge of men in general. It is good to know that the vast majority of men would think sex at this time is a good thing. I sort of feel silly for even having to ask.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

What?

No Steak?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> What?
> 
> No Steak?


:smthumbup:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> If I am pre occupied, stressed or under great pressure, sex is not the first thing on my mind so I ask this question of the men.
> 
> My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?
> 
> ...


That's a great idea! 

Stress does affect the libido of some men. A lot of ED issues can actually be traced back to out of control stress levels.

But a no-strings-attached blowjob would be seen as very relaxing, and stress free, in a way that reciprocated sex can't be to a man who has stress related libido problems.

Just make sure he understands that the offer is all about pleasing him, and not about hidden costs and expectations.

The only scenario that I can think of where this might not work is if the man has a known problem maintaining an erection. If so, especially after a stressed day, even a blowjob might trigger is anxiety over his ED, and not be welcome by him.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

*Re: having an all consuming crush!*



midnightdreams88 said:


> I had written a long message but I’ve now cut it down just to keep it straight to the point.
> I love my husband and I’ve been with him for 5 years. I see us as lifelong partners.
> The problem is he has erectile dysfunction and I’ve been very supportive about it but after 5 years it’s just started to affect my feelings towards sex.
> I recently got a message from an old flame and he wasn’t a boyfriend, he was just a great romp and he encapsulates everything about an alpha male. I know I’m not interested in anything but a good time.
> ...


Start a thread and on the Coping With Infidelity section and ask for opinions.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Are you looking for beta testers?


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

well looks like my husband falls into the other category (the minority) 
When he's under a lot of pressure or stress at work, he just likes to be left alone and given the freedom to take the shots...me leading him on/expressing interest/seducing him only seems like more stress to him - stress to perform... 

If I did something like you did, it would definitely cool him down initially...he'd enjoy the thought into it, the ensuing intimacy etc...but 50% chances are that sometime later he wouldn't be able to finish as his thoughts would again eventually wander to his stresses and how they caused performance-related anxiety in prior episodes... 
then poof... he snaps and its worse than when it started... 

I don't see many (if any) with such issues around here, so I think you should be quite safe with your gestures not backfiring...


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Are you looking for beta testers?


This is TAM. No betas allowed.

Ask her if she's looking for "alpha testers".


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That's a great idea!
> 
> Stress does affect the libido of some men. A lot of ED issues can actually be traced back to out of control stress levels.
> 
> ...


No ED issues and he is very HD. The only time he isn't interested is when he is extremely tired which I have learnt to read.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Holland, just the idea that you are making this purely about pleasing him almost brought tears to my eyes - it is truly rare in my experience, I can't remember the last time a partner ever made it just about me, even once... your guy is a truly lucky man. Whatever you end up doing for him you will not be wrong.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Lon said:


> Holland, just the idea that you are making this purely about pleasing him almost brought tears to my eyes - it is truly rare in my experience, I can't remember the last time a partner ever made it just about me, even once... your guy is a truly lucky man. Whatever you end up doing for him you will not be wrong.


Lord, this is heartbreaking to read.

Sorry, Lon. You deserve so much better mate.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is heartbreaking to read Lon. Even moreso because I know the pain of living a life that made me cry. I lived that life for too many years. This is what gives me the extra motivation to never live that life again.

Yes you deserve better.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Stress sometimes dampens my interest... it ALWAYS decreases my energy and ability. 

If your man understands that there is no obligation to give, when he's probably burned out, then you're giving a wonderful gift. If not, he may be hesitant or even resist, because it can mean something that requires focus and energy when he's got none left. 

I don't drink, but if my wife planned the rest and undertook it, I'd be stunned and happy, but be honest, if I had my choice, I'd want a shower, oiled massage, and then the rest if the mood "arises".


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Holland said:


> It is heartbreaking to read Lon. Even moreso because I know the pain of living a life that made me cry. I lived that life for too many years. This is what gives me the extra motivation to never live that life again.
> 
> Yes you deserve better.


It wasn't sadness that kinda made me emotional about this thread, it was that this thread is very inspiring to me, gave me a really clear idea of what I want and also what I want to give in a relationship when I find someone right for me (and to be clear I'm not just talking about an act of sexual pleasure, I'm talking about an act of love from one spouse to another).


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

When I am stressed, "quickie" sex is a great release. I am so lucky that my wife understands this about me. The last time we went to Hawaii on vacation, or flight was delayed and we sat in the airport forever. 

When we finally got to the resort and checked into our room, I went down to the rental car to get the last 2 suit cases. Low and behold, as I exited the elevator and began to walk down the long hallway to our room, I saw a pair of red thong panties hanging on a door handle down the hall....MY HOTEL ROOM DOOR HANDLE!!!! 

This was my wife's way of recognizing my stress level and taking care of me in the shower as soon as we got unpacked. God I LOVE that about her!!!!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Holland said:


> SA sadly I was with a LD man for many years, stress or no stress, sex was not there. Now I find myself in a happy, wonderful life but with holes in my knowledge of men in general. It is good to know that the vast majority of men would think sex at this time is a good thing. I sort of feel silly for even having to ask.


I remember reading your story ... thankfully you got out of that marriage and found a good man who treats you wonderful. :smthumbup:

Yeah ...offering to do this while not expecting anything in return is the ticket I'd say... if you sense any slight hesitation...then ask how he feels and just BE whatever he needs during his de-stressing.

Can't go wrong with that ~ it is very giving ~ what every man so desires his wife to be .


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Holland said:


> My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?


Holland! Can you have a session with my wife????? PLEASEEEEE.

Well I am married for 4 years, I never had a kiss with tongue's involvement. She hates even if I try to go down at her ... I never asked her to give me a BJ, I would be happy if she just let me give her an oral. (BUT NO CHANCE) ...... She would do anything to avoid sex. I am not even allowed to touch her boobs unless she is TOTALLY seduced, which is once in a Blue moon. And actually keeps her both hands on her boobs so that my hand doesn't touch them even accidently. For her the most romantic sentence from me would be "Honey no sex tonight" ....... I have tried and she can very happily go for months without sex. 
And if once in a blue moon, she is feeling to have sex then she would lie down and let me touch her breast, and down there with fingers ............ and after having her orgasm she would prefer me to come over ONLY FOR MISSIONARY ....... and the requirement will be, that I do it quick ........ 

So actually I am totally pissed and stressed. And have tried to talk to her about it, and always, her answer is "I don't know what to do, I don't have as much desire for sex as you do."


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jaquen said:


> That's a great idea!
> 
> Stress does affect the libido of some men. A lot of ED issues can actually be traced back to out of control stress levels.
> 
> .


I fall into this category. [ sometimes ]
When under severe stress if I do manage to get an erection, its very difficult to climax. My mind is not relaxed or focused, and its all over the place.
I cannot really enjoy sex when under stress. Just want to be left alone.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> If I am pre occupied, stressed or under great pressure, sex is not the first thing on my mind so I ask this question of the men.
> 
> My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?
> 
> ...


As a man, nothing gives me more stress than dealing with my sex life.

With all the stress I have in life, the last thing I want to stress about is if I can get some from my partner, so yes, not only would I be up for a beer and a BJ, I think it'd melt away a lot of my stress, at least for a few hours or days, depending on what kind of stress we are talking about.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

One thing that was not mentioned here is that anxiety often goes hand in hand with stress. Also feeling any kind of pressure to orgasm could cause more problems. (I rarely orgasm from BJ/HJ, but love them). 

People carry their stress in different ways, for me a little back/neck massage prior would be wonderful. 

You sure do sound like the complete package. You have a lucky man.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Hello old thread. Well in the end that night he took the lead anyway, got home, his drink was ready and he wanted some serious 2 people loving. 

I have learnt that sex is a good stress reliever for him. That he knows I am there for him, to be by his side and participate in some stress relief was the gift I gave him, he did not need one sided sex, BJ etc, he needed all of me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My job as a tool and machine designer was full of difficult technical problems, deadlines, and budget issues. When I got home, a double bourbon, a nice dinner, and an hour or two of leasurely lovemaking had me R&R'ed for the next round. A BJ would have had me ready to go back for a double shift.

Speaking of double shifts, back when we were first married, I had a job on an assembly line. If the 2nd shift guy didn't come in, I was required to work his shift too. It was 16 hours of hard physical labor.

I would drag myself home, shower, and crawl in bed to a nice warm woman...I was instantly erect, and I still remember the unbelievable intensity of those orgasms when I was totally worn out...WOW...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If my wife was waiting for me to get home, to give me crazy sex, after I've had a long very stressful day at work, that would blow my mind!!!! 

Sex to me, bonds me to my wife but also is for health purposes and major stress relief. Usually after sex, I'm very layed back, nothing bothers me, love to talk with the wife about her day, get extra stuff done, cuddle, it's almost like a drug effect.

I have never turned my wife down for intimacy with lame excuses.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Holland said:


> If I am pre occupied, stressed or under great pressure, sex is not the first thing on my mind so I ask this question of the men.
> 
> My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?
> 
> ...


I find that sex can be a good distraction for me when I am under a lot of stress. It takes my mind off of what I am needlessly worrying about. The exercise and physical exertion in having sex with my wife also helps my stress levels. I notice that I do masturbate in the shower more often when I am under stress....so for me, more stress doesn't equate to less sex.

Your husband is a lucky man by the way...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Holland said:


> OK stress does not seem to put men off sex, that is good to know.
> 
> I am thinking I will pour his drink and whatever happens after that will be just fine. I was thinking BJ because I don't want him to feel like I am wanting anything from him. He already has enough people wanting his blood at the moment.
> 
> ...


Good approach. I applaud your concern for your husband's best interests.

A note: for some women at least, this (a BJ as stress-buster) will seem like the epitome of being "used for sex". I will stress that this is not close to true. There is an important relationship / bonding aspect to you doing this. If he's any sort of decent guy, he will remember you were there for him in this most intimate manner and will reciprocate.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> My job as a tool and machine designer was full of difficult technical problems, deadlines, and budget issues.


Are you by any chance a Mechanical Engineer ?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Stress does affect me. A BJ with no reciprocation would make me feel guilty. I wish it didn't but it does. I have no problem giving to her with out recip but the other way around.......IDk I guess I'm weird!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Stress does affect me. A BJ with no reciprocation would make me feel guilty. I wish it didn't but it does. I have no problem giving to her with out recip but the other way around.......IDk I guess I'm weird!


I can count on much less than one hand how many times I've had a BJ without reciprocation.

And it is not for lack of offering. My wife is one of those glorious, and apparently rare, women who loves to give head. Plenty of times she has gone down on me for the sake of it, with no expectation of reciprocation. But I love pleasuring her, and I gain even greater pleasure knowing that she's receiving. Many a session have ended with us both collapsed post-orgasm, with her saying "I wasn't suppose to cum!".


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## purplepanther (Dec 5, 2012)

Well, my man is the minority. When he is stressed the last thing he wants is me approaching him for sex. He thinks my initiation creates "pressure to perform". In fact, even when he is not stressed he hates for me to initiate sex with him. I love to give bj's but he doesn't get excited about it. I wish I could be appreciated by my husband for doing what you're doing because selfishly that would make me happy also. However, when stressed he really wants nothing to do with me and that makes me feel terrible. You are an amazing wife! I hope your husband notices unlike mine.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Holland said:


> If I am pre occupied, stressed or under great pressure, sex is not the first thing on my mind so I ask this question of the men.
> 
> My partner is under great stress ATM. If he came home to find his drink poured and his woman ready to give him a BJ with no reciprocation needed, is this a good thing or are men when stressed likely to be put off sex?
> 
> ...


If I'm stressed I'm not in the mood for anything even if I know sex would relieve the stress because hey - not horny. The best approach is to have the stress relief all day; affirmation via text, squeezing in a few jokes and flirts here and there to lighten the mood, giving me something to look forward to - try not to mention sex, just mention a massage for example, with that by the time I get home I'm happy to see the woman who kept me going throughout the day, and would love to make love to her. Especially if she starts off with a massage or showering with me after work.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Holland! Can you have a session with my wife????? PLEASEEEEE.
> 
> Well I am married for 4 years, I never had a kiss with tongue's involvement. She hates even if I try to go down at her ... I never asked her to give me a BJ, I would be happy if she just let me give her an oral. (BUT NO CHANCE) ...... She would do anything to avoid sex. I am not even allowed to touch her boobs unless she is TOTALLY seduced, which is once in a Blue moon. And actually keeps her both hands on her boobs so that my hand doesn't touch them even accidently. For her the most romantic sentence from me would be "Honey no sex tonight" ....... I have tried and she can very happily go for months without sex.
> And if once in a blue moon, she is feeling to have sex then she would lie down and let me touch her breast, and down there with fingers ............ and after having her orgasm she would prefer me to come over ONLY FOR MISSIONARY ....... and the requirement will be, that I do it quick ........
> ...




This is my wifee........:iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my husband was SUPER stressed, he couldn't get it up. Being that, he didn't want to try. It took about a month or so to get back to normal...and it's been good since.

So for him, stress just zaps his sexual drive. He says his brain just can't shut up long enough to feel sexy. But we're workin on it when he's stressed haha.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> When my husband was SUPER stressed, he couldn't get it up. Being that, he didn't want to try. It took about a month or so to get back to normal...and it's been good since.
> 
> So for him, stress just zaps his sexual drive. He says his brain just can't shut up long enough to feel sexy. But we're workin on it when he's stressed haha.


considering the perspective of a post-divorce single guy whose sex drive also tanks under stress like your H's does, I do say, sounds like the kind of problem that is much better to have when you are in a healthy marriage... Vs lonely and desperate, lol.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I fall into this category. [ sometimes ]
> When under severe stress if I do manage to get an erection, its very difficult to climax. My mind is not relaxed or focused, and its all over the place.
> I cannot really enjoy sex when under stress. Just want to be left alone.


This has happened to me as well. I was under a lot of stress and I went through a period where I just could NOT climax - lasted about 3 weeks straight then off and on for a few months even though the initial outside stress went away. And my STBXW was a woman who climaxed quickly. It was the weirdest thing, and it was not enjoyable for me or for my wife (who was thinking I was not attracted to her). I actually FAKED a climax a few times! (Anybody watch "the League"? I had to fake the "Vinegar strokes") It got to a point where - I was thinking about sports not to delay.... but just to get my mind off trying to climax!! The more I thought about it the longer it took. I read up a little bit and it IS a form of ED. Anyway, it went away, thankfully. I try not to think about it because it's like the shanks in golf. If you think about it, it happens....


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