# Anger, resentment, and PTSD



## stlsundevil (Jun 10, 2013)

My wife and I will "celebrate" our 14th wedding anniversary tomorrow. We are currently working towards getting a separation. My wife informed me about a year ago that she was no longer in love with me and that it stemmed from years of me treating her in a way that she felt unloved. She says that this treatment has led to her building up anger and resentment for me and it basically culminated in her losing the "wife" love she should have for me. 

When she informed me about a year ago of this she outlined the areas that I was neglectful and I have worked very hard to improve in these areas. She has acknowledged that I've improved and made incredible changes. She has even gone so far as to say that the person I've been recently is a person that she would be happy to be married to. But she says that she can't get past the anger and resentment she holds towards me for the hurt that I instilled in the past. We have been going to counseling but thus far it has not helped much.

My wife was molested as a child by both her father and older brother. I don't know all the details, but I believe it took place over a period of a few years around age 11-13 for her. I believe it was inappropriate touching, but not actual intercourse. I was aware of this when we got married. My wife had gone through pretty extensive therapy prior to us getting together. She had even made amends with her father. Her brother died before I met her. On the surface she always seemed like she had done a marvelous job of putting the past behind her and doing positive things with her life. We have two great kids together. While we've have issues in our marriage I thought it was a good marriage for the most part.

A few years ago I agreed to leave my job and family and move back to my wife's neck of the woods. It was a tough decision but I knew she missed the Midwest and I thought it would be a good change. While I love the area we live in our marriage has fallen on hard times. My wife says the marriage was already an unhappy one for her long before we moved, she was just sort of putting on a happy face and faking it.

We don't have the money to get separate households right now, so we are sleeping in separate rooms. Our intention is to try to get our finances in order to have an actual physical separation after the holidays. I don't know if that will be feasible or not. My wife says that she does not know if she can get passed the anger and resentment she holds for me but that he is going to try and do this through counseling. She says she needs the physical separation in order to do this. She says that her past with the molestation causes her to hold, process and get past anger differently than some people. She didn't talk to her Dad for 2 years while she was going through counseling to get past the anger she had for her father. 

We've been on this roller-coaster recently where she says she needs her space, but with us being around each other it's so natural to be affectionate that we are. Then after a few weeks she says she starts to feel suffocated again and can't work on her anger, because I'm "right there".

Any help with knowing how to help someone that is going through this? I want to be supportive of her as this is a difficult thing for her and will probably bring back bad memories. But i also have been asked to give her space.

I forgive people very easily and generally don't hold anger and resentment for people. I get it out and move on. So it's very hard for me to understand how people need time and space to work through resentment. I've always felt it as a simple choice to let go of it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Getting past resentment is very difficult for people who have had their trust violated such as what your wife went through.

I wish I had specific advice for you but I don't. I can say this much much though... Letting go is a decision. It is a conscious decision and once made, it is a simple matter of learning the personal skills to put things in perspective, to desensitize yourself to triggers, to continue to make that decision to let go every day, through out the day. And maybe your wife hasn't actually made that decision yet. Maybe she is toying with the idea of making that decision.

Are you in therapy too? If not, it might help you wade through her issues so you can separate her issues from your issues.


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