# Life "Fog"



## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

We often hear the term "fog" that is associated with those who are involved with extramarital affairs. What about the fog that we seem to experience prior to becoming a BS and probably even a WS? Maybe its pessimism, maybe its increased awareness by way drinking from a firehose, but holy cow this world is full of adulterers. I turn 40 in 2 months, and NONE of my friends have a marriage that wasn't touched by infidelity, and few people i know my age haven't been affected. When did this happen? I don't recall this being this obvious 3 years ago before my wife cheated. 


For those newbie males... hang in there man. Life does get better, and it does fade with time. You are def not alone buddy!


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I liken it to "Red Car Syndrome". You rarely see one til you own one.

It's also interesting in thinking about it the way you wrote it as it brings me back to when I read Stephen King's "It". The premise is this monster kills children every 30 odd years. It strikes the town seemingly out of no where, but when the people grow up they forget about it. They're in a sort of fog.

I also think a part of the fog you speak of relates to the fact that unless it touches your life, like cancer or drug/alcohol addiction, you're relatively shielded from it in a sense.


----------



## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I liken it to "Red Car Syndrome". You rarely see one til you own one.
> 
> It's also interesting in thinking about it the way you wrote it as it brings me back to when I read Stephen King's "It". The premise is this monster kills children every 30 odd years. It strikes the town seemingly out of no where, but when the people grow up they forget about it. They're in a sort of fog.
> 
> I also think a part of the fog you speak of relates to the fact that unless it touches your life, like cancer or drug/alcohol addiction, you're relatively shielded from it in a sense.


Nice analogies. 

I also think, like in my own case, many people feel it can't/won't happen to them: It only happens to bad people and bad marriages. I don't think the general populace knows about the fog, what it is, and how real and powerful it can be during an affair. Once the fog begins to creep in, you're no longer dealing with the same partner and marriage you've grown to love; and when/if the fog clears, the damage is already done. Who would think of fog as such a destructive force?


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I agree Cabsy. Most of what we see is romanticized movie/television crap. Watch any episode of night time soaps or daytime soaps or even "comedic" movies about infidelity or f'ng around on one's spouse cuz they're given a "Hall Pass".

No wonder everyone is in such a f'ng fog.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Oh, this could get me started. On how society and advertising and the Voice of Knowledge is a species problem, not a child of the internet or a sign of the times.

Fog is a good word. I liken it to that too. I think it goes much deeper than most of us realise, but that doesn't mean it can't turn the other way either. 

Maybe not in my lifetime will a large part of the human race "wake up", but in MY lifetime I certainly will fight to stay out of the fog. 

Kinda saying we're all in fog, to begin with. Following society's rules. Right, wrong. Ugly, pretty. Good, bad. 
All then we are all searching for happiness. 
It's supposed to work that way, right?

From the time you are born... here's the rules. Follow them. 
Become an adult. Now... go find your own way in the world, and be happy. :rofl:

Only problem is... while you are so busy judging yourself and others, measuring the standards, nobody bothered to teach us where that happiness was. 

Must be just waiting for that chance meet on the next bus... the damsal in distress or the carefree Fabio.... just haven't met the right one! 

Sigh.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What sort of A did your marriage in? Was it over many years?

What wouldn't she tell you that made going on impossible?


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Cabsy said:


> Nice analogies.
> 
> I also think, like in my own case, many people feel it can't/won't happen to them: It only happens to bad people and bad marriages. I don't think the general populace knows about the fog, what it is, and how real and powerful it can be during an affair. Once the fog begins to creep in, you're no longer dealing with the same partner and marriage you've grown to love; and when/if the fog clears, the damage is already done. Who would think of fog as such a destructive force?


I never in my wildest dreams thought my STBXH would do what hes done. Never... makes me think his persona was completely fake for 12 yrs. He was acting the entire time.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I don't know, but I think we sometimes unfairly associate "the fog" with adultery, when there are a lot of other damaging things that go on in a marriage that can put either or both partners in a "fog". In my case, I have only recently (in the past year or so) begun to see the dysfunction in my marriage. My H is emotionally manipulative/abusive. I was so young and naive when we got married, I didn't know what to expect out of marriage. I put up with way more than I ever should have...I enabled him to treat me that way. I did things as a way of coping with it that contributed to our dysfunction - like becoming emotionally distant and avoiding sex. To everyone on the outside, we have a great marriage. I even tried to convince myself of that by always portraying it that way to everyone, even my mom and dad. None of this - his emotional abuse nor my emotional & physical distance - were necessarily conscious behaviors. We were both in a fog about the reality of our situation. 

I have worked very hard for clarity and objectivity in viewing our marriage as it is. I've really tried to come out of the fog, realizing that our son learns by our example of what relationships are supposed to be like. And realizing that I have compromised too much in ways that are very important to me (# of children, our home, lifestyle). My H is still in the fog...despite some difficult talks we've had and my attempts to get us to go to counseling which he refuses, he acts like everything is all ok. As long as I NEVER bring up any grievances I have to him and as long as he does what HE thinks I need to be happy (he refuses to discuss my unhappiness b/c he thinks I'm wrong for being unhappy), he's happy in the fog. Unfortunately I've given all I can, and since I'm not welcome to talk with him about what makes our marriage unhappy for me, I'm planning to leave. He will be absolutely shocked, act like he had no idea, be angry at me for "doing this to him"...the fog is very, very thick at our house. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I'm a firm believer it's in large part due to a shift in societal acceptance. Affairs have happened previously, but previously were a badge of shame. Even if they were common, they still had a large associated draw back should it be revealed.

This no longer seems to be the case. We as a society say, well it's not that big of deal. Hence the change to "no fault" statutes in most states. 

I'll also argue the romanticizing of love and "the one" being a huge portion of it. So much is pushed on us as individuals that we owe it to ourselves to find "the one." True love, like we see in films, read in books and hear about from perfect couples. This fantasy of figuring out how to have "perfect love" is a driving force in overall divorce and seperation. When you have a society that feels entitled to living a fantasy, you have a society of dreamers. 

Unfortunately accepting reality that sometimes even the most amazing spouse is work, kills the fantasy. Which in turn fuels the never ending search for new. You can thank the way media and marketing sell love for this change. I've already made peace with this though and decided that I'm on the outside looking in.

Life fog is a product that has been sold and most people are happy to buy it.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think three thing have changed in America from what I have seen in my life time.

1. Woman's Rights Movement

2. Lack of RESPECT for others.

3. Honesty to your fellow man or boss or Government.

That would be my thought on this subject. David


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

When my husband cheated, all my friend's marriages seemed perfect. I told my friends what my husband was up to and mostly heard dead silence on the other end of the phone. Sure they were supportive but I knew there was no way they could understand.

Within the next five years, everyone of those friends had cheating spouses or was cheating themselves. These were long-term marriages I thought were happy until they began calling ME for advice.

Yesterday I was at a little league game and saw three separate men constantly tapping on their iPhones. I never would have thought a thing about it a few years ago but now it screams CHEATER to me.

I think this goes on way more often than even the highest of statistics predicts. Be wary of the "perfect" marriage.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Rugs said:


> When my husband cheated, all my friend's marriages seemed perfect. I told my friends what my husband was up to and mostly heard dead silence on the other end of the phone. Sure they were supportive but I knew there was no way they could understand.
> 
> Within the next five years, everyone of those friends had cheating spouses or was cheating themselves. These were long-term marriages I thought were happy until they began calling ME for advice.
> 
> ...


Texting/surfing nonstop?? Oh yeah cheating 100%. I think the same thing these days. I used to give people, including my ex, the benefit of the doubt. Mainly because I didn't think people were that sleazy. 

About 6 yrs ago my ex became addicted to facebook. He would stay up until 2 or 3am while I went to bed alone. I didn't think much of it although I was upset he didnt come to bed with me.

Turns out the whole time he was hooking up with ex girlfriends and sending I miss you messages back and forth.

Makes me sick. Why the hell did he ever get married anyway?


----------



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Cabsy said:


> Nice analogies.
> 
> I also think, like in my own case, *many people feel it can't/won't happen to them: It only happens to bad people and bad marriages*. I don't think the general populace knows about the fog, what it is, and how real and powerful it can be during an affair. Once the fog begins to creep in, you're no longer dealing with the same partner and marriage you've grown to love; and when/if the fog clears, the damage is already done. Who would think of fog as such a destructive force?


:iagree:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Modern life is to some degree poisoned by consumerism. There is not enough stability. Companies form intimate relationships with consumers based on insight into human psychology. The company bonds with you, trying to associate itself with your values and self image. At the same time competing companies want you to become unfaithful and start a relationship with them.

Much of advertising depends of images of sex, happy families, so no wonder people think there are consumer choice solutions to everything. In reality a quality life in relationships depends on hard work, honesty and courage. So life fog occurring on a massive scale.


----------



## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I deserve to be happy.

If I'm not happy it's because something is not letting me be happy.

If something is getting in the way of my being happy I'm free to leave it.

I deserve to be happy. 

My marriage sucks. It's not fulfilling/fun/exciting/interesting anymore.

I'm bored.

I'm getting older and I deserve better.

S/he is the most wonderful, exciting, person I have ever met. My soulmate. S/he is everything I always wanted!

I deserve to be happy. I deserve better.

. . .


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I deserve to be happy.
> 
> If I'm not happy it's because something is not letting me be happy.
> 
> ...


All of the above is what they tell themselves/each other. I didn't have a clue the first time. I knew he was not happy with himself, he thought life was passing him by, he was working too hard, I was busy with the kids, he thought he should be further ahead in his career, make more money, have more fun. 

These are all things HE chose but when he met someone online suddenly he decided I was doing this to him, I was holding him back, somehow. She told him everything he wanted to hear, he told her how unhappy he was with me. 

It was the fog that drifted into his life and he reveled in it for a while until reality struck and he realized he was not going to give up me, his kids, his life here for someone he had never actually met, although they had planned on it, it never happened.


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I deserve to be happy.
> 
> If I'm not happy it's because something is not letting me be happy.
> 
> ...


This pretty much sums it up,

I would say that there are two other factors (certainly in my STBXW's case and in many other cases):-

1. thinking that happiness comes from outside you rather than from within, and imagining that something or someone else (the spouse, the marriage) is responsible for making you happy.

2. reaching a certain age and panicking that you are in the "last chance saloon" - if you can't find happiness now you never will.


----------



## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

I agree with Volt & PreR. I have one other comment though. Religion. Trust me, infidelity is probably fairly rampant in the homes of those who call themselves religious, or in my case, Christian. However, I don't think you have to be a devout Christian to have an extra layer of protection again this adultery insanity but I gotta think it helps at some level. My xW & I were going to church far less in the year leading up to my discovery of her A. 

Neither of us were overly religious when we were single. Once we had our first child, we joined a church. We wanted, like many parents, to raise our kids in a home where God mattered. Say what you will about religion, but I think it's helpful in laying a foundation of morals, values & integrity that should keep a potential cheater from actually doing so. 

I think all of us on TAM would agree that the damage/ carnage that adultery inflicts on marriages, children, & families is awful. For me, I think my xW may have been able to fight off the whispers of the devil in her ear if she would have been a better Christian. At least I'd like to think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

ExisaWAW said:


> I agree with Volt & PreR. I have one other comment though. Religion. Trust me, infidelity is probably fairly rampant in the homes of those who call themselves religious, or in my case, Christian. However, I don't think you have to be a devout Christian to have an extra layer of protection again this adultery insanity but I gotta think it helps at some level. My xW & I were going to church far less in the year leading up to my discovery of her A.
> 
> Neither of us were overly religious when we were single. Once we had our first child, we joined a church. We wanted, like many parents, to raise our kids in a home where God mattered. Say what you will about religion, but I think it's helpful in laying a foundation of morals, values & integrity that should keep a potential cheater from actually doing so.
> 
> ...


I am LMAO.. I'm sorry but the whole good christian thing cracks me up these days. I've always been wary of people who flaunt themselves as christians. And yet again I was right:

The woman my husband got pregnant is one of his daughter's friends, from church. She goes to church every Sunday, calls herself a good christian.

YET she had no trouble opening her legs for a MARRIED MAN, pursuing him relentlessly, taking advantage of his low point in life and vulnerability at the time, and letting herself get pregnant by him.

I wonder what she is telling her fellow church-goers? "Oh.. yes I'm pregnant out of wedlock and I had an adulterous affair with a married man". "Now I'm pregnant his wife has left him so I was partially responsible for the destruction of a marriage involving children too."

Good Christian... all the way. Don't even get me started.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't some people go to church to flirt and find sex partners?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

Hi Broken, I remember reading about your sitch. It really sucks, btw. I hope you are doing ok. Hey, don't get me wrong, Christians are just as flawed as others. The point I was trying to make it that by being exposed to the Bible & messages on sin & the avoidance if it, Christians MAY be more likely to steer clear. Certainly that was not the case in your sitch. 

I mean, my xW must have been asleep during most of the services we attended, lol. 

Look. I am a God fearing person. I try to live my life according to my understanding of His word. I fall short. We all do. My point was that IF we pay attention during the services, MAYBE it will help us lead a more moral life. Your point is well taken though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ExisaWAW (Mar 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Don't some people go to church to flirt and find sex partners?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh my! I must be nieve/ clueless. I really didn't want to hijack this thread on a religion tandem, but here's some food for thought. If you believe that the devil is alive & well, wouldn't he want to get as many so-called Christians to join him as possible? Sin is everywhere, even in church.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jenglenn (Jan 31, 2013)

38m3kids said:


> We often hear the term "fog" that is associated with those who are involved with extramarital affairs. What about the fog that we seem to experience prior to becoming a BS and probably even a WS? Maybe its pessimism, maybe its increased awareness by way drinking from a firehose, but holy cow this world is full of adulterers. I turn 40 in 2 months, and NONE of my friends have a marriage that wasn't touched by infidelity, and few people i know my age haven't been affected. When did this happen? I don't recall this being this obvious 3 years ago before my wife cheated.
> 
> 
> For those newbie males... hang in there man. Life does get better, and it does fade with time. You are def not alone buddy!



The only fog I saw as a BS before DD was being insanely and freakishly aware of what was going on (although denied). It's creepy when I notice dates of things that I find and remember my perspective at that time. I knew my WS, just thought more highly of him than he deserved. 

As far as cheating being more common- once again thank you social media for making it so convenient to start an affair and tell everyone about them.


----------

