# Silent Treatment - dealing with



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Jeez. She doesnt do this much but it annoys the hell out of me. I know dont let her see this....

Any tips?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

What is she mad about?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So when she grows up maybe you two can have a healthy conversation and move on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There has to be a reason.

You hurt her feelings
You did something to upset her
Someone else did something to upset her and you didn't acknowledge it
You haven't given her the requisite attention
You haven't asked her what is wrong

Btw, men can also give the silent treatment. Have given and received the silent treatment. Sometimes it is better than the alternative, I.e. A shouting match where nothing is heard


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

More often than not a learned behavior. I learned it from my parents. To this day have to tell myself to not do it and actually talk with my wife so as to not be like them.

Talk with her. Did she learn this behavior too? Discuss it with her calmly and maybe you can get her to realize that passive aggressive behavior like this gets you nowhere.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> What is she mad about?


Probably not that relevant but anyway.
Stupid argument about the cat on the bed and I did go a bit too mad I must admit but still...


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> So when she grows up maybe you two can have a healthy conversation and move on.


You're not wrong there- bit too late for her though I think.... :-(


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

aine said:


> There has to be a reason.
> 
> You hurt her feelings
> You did something to upset her
> ...


I agree here that a cool down period is often good but this is just silly.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

bob1471 - She is afraid to talk with you.
Stop blowing up at her.
Give her space she needs to express her feelings without being bullied.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

Get it all too often. Hate it and she knows, but we find our way through. I usually make very clear that it (the silent treatment) is unacceptable and then leave it. An hour later i prompt again and she invatiably opens up to an adult discussion. Its tiring sometimes but then I'm sure i have some crappy traits.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Bob how long has the silent treatment been going on?
And I'll also add why she is mad at you is extremely relevant.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

bob1471 said:


> Jeez. She doesnt do this much but it annoys the hell out of me. I know dont let her see this....
> 
> Any tips?


How long do her silent treatments last?

I think it is learned, I think it's passive aggressive, manipulative, punishing, and unacceptable. However - if you can "out shout" and verbally "overpower" her in arguments, she may feel out of other options for finding a way to communicate to you how hurtful and abusive she finds your behavior. It is infuriating to not have your own point of view considered by a tyrant, er, I mean spouse.

I would ask yourself what prompts the silent treatment? Does it always follow arguments where you "go a little nuts" and don't consider her point of view? Or does she just randomly get pissy and decide to punish you with silence until you cave and give her her way? And how long does it last? A couple hours (cooling off) or a few days/weeks?

If you're not taking her seriously in arguments, and you're having angry outbursts - yelling, name calling, disrespecting - then I'd consider stopping that behavior and never arguing with her until you can be civil and treat her and her opinion with respect.

If she's just doing it to manipulate you, I would not tolerate it and I would leave and let her know you'll be home when she grows up, and if she ever treats you that way again, you'll leave and not be back. After all, there is no relationship when one person isn't speaking, so why be together?

My husband gave me the silent treatment 2 or 3 times and it lasted for 2 to 3 days each time. Both times he was angry at me over something I did, but I didn't believe his reaction was at all justified and he made no attempt to have an adult conversation with me to let me know he was upset prior to the "treatment." He was punishing me and I know he learned the behavior from his parents. 

I basically ignored him and went about my business during these "treatments" but the last one infuriated me and it occurred to me that I did not want to be married to someone I could not connect with. Seriously, we have plenty of issues others might consider much more serious than this, but the silent treatment to me? That is a bridge too far. I refuse to accept it ever again.

I told him that would never happen again if he wanted to remain married and it hasn't. I've also learned to respect his feelings about things even if they seem trivial to me personally. And to never "go a little nuts" in an argument.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Probably not that relevant but anyway.
> Stupid argument about the cat on the bed and *I did go a bit too mad* I must admit but still...


How mad? What did you do? Did you apologize?

I wouldn't talk to my husband either if he blew up inappropriately and wouldn't sincerely apologize.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

This may come off as sexist but I don't mean it that way.

My exposure to the silent treatment seems to stem from the reaction to not getting her own way, and not having any power on her side to get it. 

She does not have the power in the relationship to get what wants otherwise she withholds her presence and casual intimacy in the marriage to bend things her desire. 

I am not talking about being upset for an evening or a day, but carrying this on for 3 days to a week or more. It is evidence of an inability to communicate or lack of desire to try as she knows that will get her nowhere and might even embarrass her. 

I will be the first to agree that we men can be pig headed and insensitive. For me that is really not the problem and my perspective is skewed by an emotionally detached and manipulative spouse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ha, good luck with keeping the cat off the bed! If you have something you don't want cat hair on hang it up.

I'm confused, do you want her to talk to you or not? I guess if someone wanted me to talk to them they'd probably have excellent chances if they spoke to me calmly. If they yelled at me, particularly about something I didn't even freaking do, cold days ahead I suggest scarves.

If you're the kind of person who shouts first and asks questions later, then you also have to be the kind of person who apologizes and owns your side of the street. 

"Honey, I shouldn't have blown up about the cat. I had no right to take it out on you and I feel very bad about making you feel like everything is your fault. I know you're mad and I don't blame you because I really blew it. I hope we can talk this out soon."

If the silent treatment is because you blew up, IOW a defensive move, the. The burden is on you to reestablish communication.

If, however, the silent treatment is because they are mad at you because you did something or failed to do something..and they haven't even discussed it with you...ignore the childish behavior for as long as it lasts.

If the silent treatment is because they're mad and you're not sure why then say this: " I can see you're angry. Let me know when you're ready to talk." And then go about your day as if they are not present for as long as it takes.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

DoneWithHurting said:


> bob1471 - She is afraid to talk with you.
> Stop blowing up at her.
> Give her space she needs to express her feelings without being bullied.


Fair point. I do go too mad I must admit when we argue.

Something I need to deal with. We argue and she seems to keep relatively calm and I go overboard....


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> How mad? What did you do? Did you apologize?
> 
> I wouldn't talk to my husband either if he blew up inappropriately and wouldn't sincerely apologize.


Go too far. say nasty things. Lot of them are true but probably shouldnt be said.

Thats the problem Im right about the cat thing I think. The cat was in the middle I said look we cant even get close, can the cat go down the end. She wanted the cat to stay and that was it. I felt it disrespectful to our relationship that she'd rather the cat stayed in the middle.

Yeh stupid argument and it escalated. But still - its always small things with my wife where shes inconsiderate or a little uncaring and they all add up until I expode....


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Ha, good luck with keeping the cat off the bed! If you have something you don't want cat hair on hang it up.
> 
> I'm confused, do you want her to talk to you or not? I guess if someone wanted me to talk to them they'd probably have excellent chances if they spoke to me calmly. If they yelled at me, particularly about something I didn't even freaking do, cold days ahead I suggest scarves.
> 
> ...


Because I blew up.

The cat thing. So you think I dont have a point? I should suck it up and let the cat stay because she wants it there?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How exactly did you blow up? What did you say and do when she said she didn't want the cat to move?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > How mad? What did you do? Did you apologize?
> ...


Ill ask again. How long has the silent treatment been going on? Because I'll tell you that if my H flipped his **** over the cat being in the bed and called me nasty names I wouldn't be too keen on speaking with h for awhile, either. I wouldn't drag it out for days or anything, but itd be wise for my H to expect a frosty morning the day after that happened.
Eta: if you think the cat was a conscious c0ck block ok I get that but that's when you need to have a serious discussion with her about that.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

bob1471 said:


> Because I blew up.
> 
> The cat thing. So you think I dont have a point? I should suck it up and let the cat stay because she wants it there?


You have a point but you don't go about defending it in a way that you will achieve your goal which is to get the freaking cat off the bed.

Blowing up at her will only make her push back harder. She'll either yell back at you or, more typically go dark and give you the old passive aggressive silent treatment for days, meanwhile the cat is still there.

You can try reasoning with her about the cat, explain why it bothers you so much and if that doesn't do it then the next time you're alone with the cat drop it at the nearest shelter. If she asks have you seen it, just play dumb.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> Because I blew up.
> 
> The cat thing. So you think I dont have a point? I should suck it up and let the cat stay because she wants it there?



Unless the cat is peeing on your bed, yes you are way over reacting.

Go to Home Depot and buy some of the plastic carpet runner covering, the hard plastic that has the point nubs on the bottom. Place that on your bed nub side up and your cat will decide to nap elsewhere. If you can find the carpet running, get some heavy duty aluminum foil and unroll that on your bed. The foil doesn't work so well on thing that you use everyday because what the heck do you do with it when you go to bed.

Have you issued your very personal apology yet?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

IMO the "silent treatment" is typically part of a two street of bad communication. I learned to do it from my parents. My ex learned a different technique. The technique of getting offended and then defensive. The real issue lies in not being able to effectively communicate. 
As our relationship evolved, I learned early on that the "silent treatment" worked because it got her attention. Over time she came to develop a way of dealing with it. Once I broke radio silence and attempted to have an adult discussion (too late in hindsight) she would respond with "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" After hearing this a few times. I got the message that maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and so the "silent treatment" was reinforced as an alternative to attempting to resolve our issues.
You need to talk to her and even more importantly listen to her with an open mind. Real communication is the key. It is something we never really had in our marriage. If it can save yours - do it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

bob1471 said:


> You're not wrong there- bit too late for her though I think.... :-(


Sorry Bob, I that was my first thought and I went with it. Not much help to you I'm afraid. Having been married to someone who exhibited this behavior regularly (among others) I continue to find it mind boggling that "adults" cling so tightly to childish behavior their entire lives. Its sad that you have to be finding ways to "manage" your wife's dysfunction.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Livvie said:


> How exactly did you blow up? What did you say and do when she said she didn't want the cat to move?


I said she was selfish and nasty. And said that letting the cat take over the bed was bad for our relationship...

yeh bit much :-(


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen. Please give me the benefit of the doubt because I'm actually trying to look out for you.

But I'm about to sound like an *******. Which I am, but it's coming from a good place.

You're coming off to her like a total jerk. Seriously, all this about the damn cat? What the hell do you care if you have a cat on your bed? Are you allergic, or just being hypercritical and controlling?

Chill the hell out about your cat, and either learn to control your temper or go see someone to help you about that.

What is really the problem here? Are you this fixated on your cat, or are you really mad about something else?

Either way is totally ****ty path you've put your wife on with you. She will either get on a new path without you or you will get on a new path before she does.

I suggest the latter.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Ill ask again. How long has the silent treatment been going on? Because I'll tell you that if my H flipped his **** over the cat being in the bed and called me nasty names I wouldn't be too keen on speaking with h for awhile, either. I wouldn't drag it out for days or anything, but itd be wise for my H to expect a frosty morning the day after that happened.
> Eta: if you think the cat was a conscious c0ck block ok I get that but that's when you need to have a serious discussion with her about that.


Couple of days now....

Cat not used so much as a **** block - with her its more of cant be bothered to think of your feelings or be nice or romantic to you so stuff you the cat is staying....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You can spend your time being angry and getting silent treatments. Or, you can stop bickering over the small stuff and be happy.

Next time pick up the cat and put it on the floor.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Put loaded mouse traps on the bed. They kept my cat and dog off the couch


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> I said she was selfish and nasty. And said that letting the cat take over the bed was bad for our relationship...
> 
> yeh bit much :-(


Badsanta's cure for the "silent treatment" #38.1

STEP 1: Buy a new comforter for the bed that has kitten prints designed all over it.








STEP 2: Buy a custom t-shirt made that says *"Mayor of Pu$$y Town"*








STEP 3: Place the new comforter on the bed and wear your new t-shirt around the house while giving her the silent treatment. 

RESULT: You will begin to pick up on the fine art on non-verbal communication in a very humorous and sexual way!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Problem cat braise

1 cat cut in serving-sized pieces dusted in flour with salt and pepper

•1/4 c. extra virgin olive oil

•6 artichokes

•2 1/4" thick slices of slab bacon, diced

•1 small sweet onion, diced

•4 cloves garlic, minced

•1 carrot, diced

•1 lemon

•3 small tomatoes, peeled, seeded, and diced

•1/2 c. dry white wine

•2-4 c. homemade chicken broth

•garni of 4 flat parsley stems, 6 leafy thyme branches, 1 bay leaf tied up with kitchen twine Salt and pepper

•1/4 c chopped flat-leaf parsley (optional)

Snap the leaves off the artichokes until only the tender inner leaves remain. Snap off the stem. Trim the remaining green bits from the bottom of the artichoke, and cut off the inner leaves in a bunch at the point where they are very tender. Pare the tough green outer layer off the remaining stem, pairing the stem into a point. Now cut the artichoke bottom into quarters and remove the choke with a sharp knife from each quarter. Rinse to remove any traces of foin ("hay") and drop them into a bowl of water acidulated with the juice of half a lemon. 
2.Heat 2 T olive oil in a large heavy casserole or Dutch oven. Dredge the cat pieces in seasoned flour, shaking off excess. Brown over medium heat, turning regularly, until golden on all sides. Remove cat pieces to a plate and dump any oil remaining in the pan. Add 1 T of the remaining oil and the bacon dice. (Omit bacon if you only have access to the thin-sliced vacuum packed supermarket variety.) Sauté until cooked but not "crisp". Add the remaining T of oil and the onion and carrot. Saute for 5 minutes, then add the artichoke quarters and the garlic, stir one minute, and add the tomatoes and the white wine. Turn up the heat and reduce until syrupy, stirring constantly, for about 5 minutes. Lay the bouquet garni on top of the vegetables. Arrange the cat pieces on top, together with any juice accumulated in the plate. 
3.Pour in enough broth to come halfway up the sides of the cat pieces. Cover and bring to a simmer. Continue to simmer over very low heat about 1 hour or cook in the oven at 350 degrees for the same amount of time. The cat should be just tender and part readily from the bone. Don't overcook or it will become dry. Check the liquid level frequently and add more broth if necessary. Turn the cat pieces once. 
4.When done, remove the cat pieces to a warm platter and arrange the vegetables, removed with a slotted spoon, around them. Cover and keep warm. Strain the remaining pan juices into a smaller saucepan and reduce over high heat, skimming frequently, until reduced by 1/3. Pour over the platter and serve immediately. Sprinkle with finely chopped flat-leaf parsley if you like.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

bob1471 said:


> Jeez. She doesnt do this much but it annoys the hell out of me. I know dont let her see this....
> 
> Any tips?


It's a passive aggressive power play. The female version of The Sulk.

Yeah it's learnt and effective against equals because The Blame (tm) can be directed at anyone else who tries to do anything to fix the problem.

It's very immature and selfish so I doubt there is anything that can be done before she will take responsibility for anything such as actually communicating any relationship issues.


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