# 2 weeks. 180-check, NC-check, what now?



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

It's been 2 weeks since she left.

Despite her initial eagerness to divorce, we have no separation agreement drafted. I didn't pursue it, she hasn't either.

I've been a total 180-er since the very moment she left. My only approach has been to calmly express to her that divorce is not what I wanted. No apologies, no begging, not much sadness. I've been a rock (torn inside though).

She called yesterday after no contact since last week. She said she wanted to see how I'm doing. I said I'm fine and need to get back to a meeting so we hung up.

I'm dying inside though. How long do I continue this? Should I even continue? She is not having an affair. I'm 99% sure of it. The 1% doubt is the result of reading this forum and how these separations usually end. 

What is the next step here? I don't think having no contact is serving me well here.

Please advice. I want our marriage to work. I truly care about this girl and she has clearly shown signs of doing the same. I know I can survive a divorce. In fact, for a few days I let her go in my mind. I'm a much stronger man now, but I still want my marriage to not end this way.

We've had very little communication since she left (2 weeks ago). Is this healthy?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Keep it up. Things will get easier/better.

It is healthy...even though it hurts like a betch.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thanks that_girl,

In what way do you say it will get easier/better? It will definitely get easier to not think about her, but wouldn't the same thing happen for her?

Isn't that counter intuitive to reconnecting?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't know. After Hubs moved home, even though we didn't have contact that much and would go days without it, he said he missed me sooo much the whole time.

But she is not your concern. YOUR concern is you. The 180 is for you.

When you let go, things fall into place--- we can't control it, we can only control ourselves and our reactions.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose your problem is that if you carry on, it will only spur her on to divorce. This is possible. The alternative of you 'begging' her though is much worse.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

accept, begging no longer exists in my vocabulary. I will never beg anyone for anything in my life.

However, assuming she has doubts about her decision (I believe she does), is there a proper way of approaching her with my dignity and attraction intact? Is there any contact that is better than "no contact" in order to make her miss me?

Thanks


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Yes! Use a third person to intercede.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Guess I could do that. Although, she seems to have a need to assure everyone that calls her (in shock) that she's made the right decision for both of us and I will one day "Thank her" for what she's done!!!

She's at her parents' home alone. That's pretty much what she does with her time most of the time. I don't understand it. I don't know how she can go through the anxiety of separation all alone and stay strong. 

She still has all my pictures on her facebook profile even though I removed them (as a part of 180) last week. 

I miss her so much.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Since you mention it. What do most of her friends think. With mine something similar. She gave way because non of her friends agreed with her and she was scared of losing them. That brought her to her senses and saw me in a different light.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

accept, no one, even her own sister is pleased with what she's done. The only person who seems to somewhat go with her mindlessness is her new co-worker. I'm glad everyone agrees with me that she will not find a better life without me because the love and commitment I have shown to our marriage is exemplary among friends and family.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Does her co-worker (female I suppose) know you. Or is it just because what your wife tells her about you.
I had something similar as I mentioned. Your best bet is that all these friends talk to her. I would give in on something just that she should not have to think she 'lost'.
She must be wanting something from you. Give in on it she shouldnt have to lose face.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

UPDATE:

We talked for 20 minutes tonight. That lengthy call was against my wish. I called to tell her that divorce was not my choice but I had to move forward with separating the accounts. She paused.

I said in a calm tone that I still loved her very much and didn't want any of this, so out of the blue she explodes and starts telling me I'm wrong to suggest to people that she might be having an affair because she's not.

I said "I don't know what to tell you. You left without a word and don't want to try MC either. Where does that leave me?"

She started crying saying she didn't want to tell me this but now she doesn't care (so I'm scared ****less she's gonna admit an affair). She said "I did say NO to MC, but I was angry. I'm willing to try it if you show me you're committed to it". So I become very happy inside, but then she continues "The way you have turned out to be just like your dad scares me. I can't end up like your mom. I can't stand the way you treat me during fights. Your dad treated you, your sister and your mom like dirt and you show no signs of concerns. Why have you forgotten about what he did to you? Why are you turning out to be just like him?"

I didn't like her tone one bit, but let her continue. She said "If you want to change, then you have to show me and prove to me that you're changing".

To be honest, I wanted to tell her to **** off right then, right there because that was just too much, but again, I let her express her frustration (something I rarely allow her to do)

She said "You're being a total loser by becoming your dad. A loser, a pathetic loser".

At this point, I had enough of her hurtful comments. I said "I will talk to you later". She wouldn't stop, so again I said "Dear I will talk to you later" and hung up.

Now I'm just pissed off.

First of all, what gives her the right to leave our marriage and demand an immediate divorce if this is all she's hung up on? What the f***? Are we in high school?

Second, she has valid points about me acting like my dad during fights (verbally abusive). I'm not going to deny that. I need to work on this very hard regardless of how we end up.

Third, she has no right to tell me to prove anything to her. I only prove things to a devoted spouse who doesn't leave her marriage over the stupidest thing. I will only change for me and she can confirm the changes in me when she commits herself to our marriage "IN OUR OWN HOME". Not from her parents' place. 

Fourth, I love my parents and wouldn't want to hurt them but I do need to tell them about their negative influence in our marriage. How the hell can I do that without hurting them or feeling guilty. That's gonna be a *****.

I have no intention of contacting my wife ever again. I'm also planning to not talk to her for at least a week even if she calls. I have nothing to say to her and seems like she only wants to hurt my feelings for the time being (although she claims she loves me!).

I will draft two things:

1. Separation agreement - Divorce arrangements
2. Reconciliation agreement with professional help for both of us as a condition

I will present her with the 2 options at the end of January and after having a talk with her in front of our parents she can decide on which one she wants to sign.

I'm not gonna let her abuse my feelings any longer. I will just start working on my own issues. She can enjoy the new me only when she decides to address her internal anger via therapy. I'm not her f***ing therapist.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Sorry with all due respect I cant agree with you.
According to what you have told us and no doubt there is more I dont know, she sounds RIGHT.
You cant accuse her of an affair just because she left.
She has every right to say she doesnt want to end up like your fathers wife whether you like it or not.
I think you should sit down and think again. Phone her up or send a message that in this she is right.
She is your wife and comes first not your father or family.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

accept, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but her words, her tone and her attitude are as demeaning as ever. No real man can stand that kind of emotional abuse. 

Let's stay I stop saying stupid s-h-i-t to her during fights (which is what she wants me to do). What exactly is she going to do after? Drive me to the edge until I commit suicide? I have no doubt she will push me as far as she can. That's just how she views our marriage right now and I don't fully blame her. She's got issues of her own (never happy in life regardless of the situation) and needs to address them, but so far she has shown no signs of being interested in doing that (except the small hint tonight).

She basically said she wants my parents out of our life. Neither my parents or her parents have much to do with our lives. They rarely visit and have no say in our marriage (really, they don't).

I do admit my parents' divorce did really screw me up in many ways (I was 21 years old) and I have a mother whose health requires me to be in contact with her at least once a day.

My father was indeed abusive and controlling towards my mother and I set out to be a different person than him since my teen years. I cut all contact with him for 3 years actually. In the past couple of years we've somewhat reconnected and this drives my wife absolutely crazy. I'm sorry but he's my dad. What the f*** can I do about it? I would never ask my wife to cut ties with her family. That would be very unfair.

Now while typing all this, I'm realizing that what makes me a bad husband in our marriage is a result of the resentment I have towards my wife for putting my family down all the time. I just can't stand it. 

Is it really right for her to do this? 

We normally do fine on our own even when we fight about normal marriage stuff, but as soon as families become the topic we both lose it. Part of it has to do with our families not getting along all that well.

Our families were friends before we even met and now they're not on great terms (go figure!!!)


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## bpsleo (Jan 12, 2012)

synthetic said:


> It's been 2 weeks since she left.
> 
> Despite her initial eagerness to divorce, we have no separation agreement drafted. I didn't pursue it, she hasn't either.
> 
> ...


Give time and wait for the good result. Play by the ear as the situation comes. And reconcile and try to get her back slowly without making it obvious.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Again: The bible says in Genesis one has to leave ones father and mother and 'join' ones wife. I take it literally.
I perhaps would not have married a W who wanted this. But now that you are married and for some reason cant get on with them she has every right to demand this and you have to comply.
I who as my posts confirm am very much against divorce, and therefore biased, dont consider this worth getting divorced over.
A wife (and a husband) have to be 'satisfied and pleased' with life and it up to each to make help the other to achieve this.
*Is it really right for her to do this? 

We normally do fine on our own even when we fight about normal marriage stuff,*
It is not a matter of being right. She has to be comfortable as well.
I think your marrage can be saved quite easily if you really want to.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I really want to and I will save it. I hope she wants the same deep down. Something tells me she does.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What a day!

Sat my parents down and told them everything I wanted to say. Father left in anger, mother is pretending to understand. Got so much off my chest it was incredible.

Called the wife, went over to her parents' place (they're not there right now). Told her to sit down and listen to a few sentences I had to say without speaking back. I told her I deserved to be heard without getting interrupted. She complied.

I told her how I felt about her, how I felt about sometimes following my father's path, and how I will never "thank" her for breaking my heart by leaving me. I told her she is hurtful in her talks and I'm using our hurtful conversations as a practice to overcome my anger issue, but I will never ever consider her demeaning words/tone acceptable.

I told her from this day on, I'm only going to look ahead and not analyze things said and done in the past. I will be a new ME and would like to have her as the love of my life.

I didn't wait for her to say a word. Got up and left.

Feels so good 

At this point, I've said what I had to say. Let's see if she will find more excuses to push for a divorce. I will not resist anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

synthetic said:


> accept, I agree with you wholeheartedly, but her words, her tone and her attitude are as demeaning as ever. No real man can stand that kind of emotional abuse.


Dude, think for a minute how much is built up in her, and how much courage it has taken for her to stand up to you on this.

Her tone and her attitude is possibly the only thing she's got inside that's keeping her going.

So frankly, I advise you to be the real man and take the high road for the sake of your marriage. 

You got anger issues - ok, most men do - but an idiot lets it rule him and a smart man learns to rule it.

Which one are you gonna choose to be?

btw - there are programs that can teach you how to better manage and express your anger. To infact put it aside and instead deal with issues that are getting to you, instead of blowing up and letting the issues make you lose your cool.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Thanks Shaggy,

It took me a whole 24 hours to digest the core of her words and filter the hurtful ones. I'm glad I didn't respond to her right away. Probably a first for me.

I've told her what needed to be said. I've taken the action that I had to take in order to bring myself to peace with my family situation. I'm practicing to control my anger all day long. I'm not a freak. I don't get angry about too many things. Only when people target my weak spots (divorced parents is a very weak spot for children of divorce). She knows that and sometimes abuses that weakness of mine to get her point across. Well now she can't really do that anymore because I don't feel weak about my parents' situation. 

I hope this strength I have gained today lasts because it's been a long time since I felt so relieved.

Having said all that, I miss her so much I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask her to come back. That would just give her more reason to prolong this crap. I even went and dropped off our dog with her so she doesn't think I'm holding the dog as a hostage to get her to miss her home. 

I'm leaving for a work trip on Tuesday, coming back on Friday. It sure would be nice to come back home and see her all unpacked. Feels like an impossible dream, but I'm hopeful.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

synthetic said:


> I told her from this day on, I'm only going to look ahead and not analyze things said and done in the past. I will be a new ME and would like to have her as the love of my life.


Good points about this idea:

1. You can only control what happens in the future, not the past.
2. You are working to be a better man.

Bad points about this idea:

1. You need to analyze what you did in the past to become that better person. Those who forget history will repeat it and all that stuf.
2. It sounds an awful lot like telling her to get over it because you will change. If she has hurt and resentment, she will need to address it and likely need you to apologize where approrpriate before she move forward. She will also need to see actions (not just promises) before she can get over it.

Just some things to consider in your journey. Good luck.


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