# Has marriage counseling helped repair your marriage?



## CammyB

I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


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## Al_Bundy

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


I think you might have answered your own question. If you knew the marriage was worth saving and he was the guy for you then cost probably wouldn't have entered your mind. Even if it cost was a concern you would have said "we'll figure it out".


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## Hiner112

If all you need is someone to help you facilitate discussion and break you out of bad communication ruts, I think it can help. If you just need a neutral third party to discuss your problems, they can be that.

If you're going there because counseling is cheaper than a divorce, that ship might have already sailed. A divorce is cheaper than counseling and a divorce.


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## OnTheRocks

Worse than worthless in my experience. My first marriage counselor tried to tell me I didn't have the right to check my wife's phone, after I had caught her cheating. I laughed in his and my ex-wife's faces, and told them I'd stop at nothing to ensure I wasn't being lied to in my marriage. The second and last one said that her goal wasn't to salvage our marriage, just that we both end up haaaapy. 🖕


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## Young at Heart

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


I was in a sex starved marriage. First I tried some Do It Yourself marriage help by reading several books. That allowed me to understand that i was part of the problem in my marriage. After a lot of introspection I decided I needed to change my situation. I was mentally and emotionally ready to divorce my wife. However, I realized that I needed to change myself and change the way I related to women, otherwise if I got a divorce, I would likely make the same mistakes all over again in my next relationship. I started on a journey of self change in myself and the way I treated women. I made a commitment to myself to either try to fix my marriage or end it.

80+% of the problem in my marriage was sexual, so the type of marriage counselor I choose was a Sex Therapist. They are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual problems. 

My wife understood that there were problems in our marriage and agreed to go with me. The ST was extremely skilled and got my wife to understand her situation and what was at stake.

My advice is that it is worth it. It saved my marriage of about 38 years, but I offer a few cautions. You both need to be committed to rebuilding your marriage for it to work. The commitment might not be there at the beginning, but if it doesn't happen by some point, you need to stop. You need to interview and research your marriage counselor or sex therapist before your first session. 

There are many different approaches to marriage counseling, you need to find an approach you like. When searching for a sex therapist and marriage counselor, since I had read many relationship books, I knew the approaches I thought would work for my wife and myself. I like the Gottman approach. I also liked the Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy approach, but that is just me. I looked up the training of various marriage counselors prior to choosing one. I also read their approach. When you do go in for your first session, you will have probably submitted a statement to the marriage counselor ahead of time, that outlines the problems and what you hope to achieve. 

If you were hiring a contractor you would check their references and ask them for a schedule and what they thought they could do and how long or much it would cost. Most will probably be a little soft on with "it depends." However, most if pushed will say that after 3 months, you will probably have a good feel for if there is progress or if things are not improving. The advice I was given is that it will take a month of intense marriage counseling for nearly every year you and your spouse have had significant marital problems.

Again, my advice is that it is worth it if both partners are committed to improving the relationship. If your spouse is not, then I urge individual counseling so you can work on yourself and your contributions to the failure of the marriage. That way after the divorce is finalized, you will be in a much better position to find a new lover.

Good luck.


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## Laurentium

Speaking as a therapist who specialises in marriage counselling...


Young at Heart said:


> I like the Gottman approach. I also liked the Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy approach, but that is just me.


I like Johnson's EFT, and I've done a lot of training in it, but it's not for every couple in my opinion. I'm not so keen on Gottman but I'll recommend his books, particularly "seven principles", to some couples. I find Gottman's approach a bit intellectual, and most couples have an emotional disconnect not an intellectual disagreement.

@CammyB I haven't looked for your other posts so I don't know if you've said more elsewhere. Counselling is much cheaper than a hostile divorce, but a friendly divorce can be pretty cheap. I've seen it done without lawyers!

Generally I'd say counselling can work if both parties are willing to not try to "win" the counselling. People come in wanting to make their point and be heard, and that's fine, but soon they need to put 50% of that energy into trying to "get" what the point is their partner is trying to make, even if the partner is making it in a really clumsy or rude or angry way. The therapist can help by rewording the partner's point to be less clumsy/rude/angry if the couple will allow this. I'm often saying: "_don't immediately try to counter what your partner said". _

The couple where my heart sinks is the one where they both clam up and say "we never really argue".

There are some counter-indications. It's a bad sign if there is:

ongoing physical aggression or threats of. I'd include suicide threats in that.
addiction or mental health problems that the partner is unwilling to address. But it's not for either partner to "diagnose" their partner's mental health. Labels are flung around rather easily these days.
likewise infidelity _that the partner is unwilling to address. _The "we need to put the past behind us" types.
extreme power imbalances. This used to be where one partner earned all the money, but the changes in the legal system have in many places corrected, or even over-corrected this. But if for example one partner will be deported if the marriage ends, it's hard to do fair negotiation.


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## Trustless Marriage

If you go this route my only suggestion is to go with someone with a lot of experience. I have had little success with this. One person said, after many meetings, that it just came down to me having to forgive and forget. Another wanted me to meditate with smoke sticks in the background. The only good it did for me was to let it out. Nothing has been resolved. Waste of time and money.


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## Laurentium

Trustless Marriage said:


> One person said, after many meetings, that it just came down to me having to forgive and forget.


Forgive, maybe. Forget, no.


> Another wanted me to meditate with smoke sticks in the background.


Eek! I'm hoping that was not the entire treatment.


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## 346745

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


Cammy, here's the deal with counseling: It can work if both people are willing to be open minded. We've seen three counselors. In each case, I really don't think my wife was as open to change as I was. Other night - we may return to see the third counselor - I told her that I realized I've done all the changing. I asked her what she's done to change. She paused. Could not think of one thing. Not one. That says a lot. Gotta be open minded, willing to change, willing to listen to ideas from the counselor you are paying to see. I think it's helped me as a person, but I'm not so sure it's helped our marriage. Not when one person does all the changing and the other does not.


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## LisaDiane

Laurentium said:


> Speaking as a therapist who specialises in marriage counselling...
> 
> I like Johnson's EFT, and I've done a lot of training in it, but it's not for every couple in my opinion. I'm not so keen on Gottman but I'll recommend his books, particularly "seven principles", to some couples. I find Gottman's approach a bit intellectual, and most couples have an emotional disconnect not an intellectual disagreement.
> 
> @CammyB I haven't looked for your other posts so I don't know if you've said more elsewhere. Counselling is much cheaper than a hostile divorce, but a friendly divorce can be pretty cheap. I've seen it done without lawyers!
> 
> Generally I'd say counselling can work if both parties are willing to not try to "win" the counselling. People come in wanting to make their point and be heard, and that's fine, but soon they need to put 50% of that energy into trying to "get" what the point is their partner is trying to make, even if the partner is making it in a really clumsy or rude or angry way. The therapist can help by rewording the partner's point to be less clumsy/rude/angry if the couple will allow this. I'm often saying: "_don't immediately try to counter what your partner said". _
> 
> The couple where my heart sinks is the one where they both clam up and say "we never really argue".
> 
> There are some counter-indications. It's a bad sign if:
> 
> ongoing physical aggression or threats of. I'd include suicide threats in that.
> addiction or mental health problems that the partner is unwilling to address. But it's not for either partner to "diagnose" their partner's mental health. Labels are flung around rather easily these days.
> likewise infidelity _that the partner is unwilling to address. _The "we need to put the past behind us" types.
> extreme power imbalances. This used to be where one partner earned all the money, but the changes in the legal system have in many places corrected, or even over-corrected this. But if for example one partner will be deported if the marriage ends, it's hard to do fair negotiation.


What do you think about the concept of "conscious loving" that Dr. Harville Hendrix has written about?


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## Married but Happy

If you both really want to fix your marriage, then it can help. If both are not seriously willing to put in the work, it won't help. My ex and I tried it (and did want to fix things), but it only made clearer that we needed to split up.


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## Al_Bundy

For some MC is just a box to check on the way out. As Tom Leykis used to say "Last exit before toll".


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## Laurentium

LisaDiane said:


> What do you think about the concept of "conscious loving" that Dr. Harville Hendrix has written about?


I know Hendrix's name, and his "Imago dialogue", but I've never really dug in to his work.


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## Young at Heart

Laurentium said:


> Speaking as a therapist who specialises in marriage counselling...
> 
> I like Johnson's EFT, and I've done a lot of training in it, but it's not for every couple in my opinion. I'm not so keen on Gottman but I'll recommend his books, particularly "seven principles", to some couples. I find Gottman's approach a bit intellectual, and most couples have an emotional disconnect not an intellectual disagreement.



I agree with you and tried to say in my post that before you sign on with a marriage counselor, you should know more about their training and approach.

My wife and I have gone to one of the Gottman weekend events. it was very intense and draining. However, it did much for both my wife and myself. My wife has a doctorate and I have a couple of advanced Post graduate degrees. So we found it of value. They also have a very good record here in Washington State. 

As to Sue Johnson's approach, as I said, I really like it and feel it helped us. 

My wife and I also worked through one of David Schnarchs Books reading them chapter by chapter and discussing then discussing with a marriage counselor. Schnarch is not for everyone. His early works are really hard reads, much like graduate school textbooks rather than self help books. In our counseling with the Sex Therapist who saved our marriage, we discussed different approaches. I told her I had read Passional Marriage and she was stunned, but wanted to know what I though of his approach.

I believe that you get out of marriage counseling what the two of you put into it in terms of effort and thought.

P.S. I enjoy your comments.


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## DudeInProgress

Laurentium said:


> Speaking as a therapist who specialises in marriage counselling...
> 
> I like Johnson's EFT, and I've done a lot of training in it, but it's not for every couple in my opinion. I'm not so keen on Gottman but I'll recommend his books, particularly "seven principles", to some couples. I find Gottman's approach a bit intellectual, and most couples have an emotional disconnect not an intellectual disagreement.
> 
> @CammyB I haven't looked for your other posts so I don't know if you've said more elsewhere. Counselling is much cheaper than a hostile divorce, but a friendly divorce can be pretty cheap. I've seen it done without lawyers!
> 
> Generally I'd say counselling can work if both parties are willing to not try to "win" the counselling. People come in wanting to make their point and be heard, and that's fine, but soon they need to put 50% of that energy into trying to "get" what the point is their partner is trying to make, even if the partner is making it in a really clumsy or rude or angry way. The therapist can help by rewording the partner's point to be less clumsy/rude/angry if the couple will allow this. I'm often saying: "_don't immediately try to counter what your partner said". _
> 
> The couple where my heart sinks is the one where they both clam up and say "we never really argue".
> 
> There are some counter-indications. It's a bad sign if:
> - ongoing physical aggression or threats of. I'd include suicide threats in that.
> - addiction or mental health problems that the partner is unwilling to address. But it's not for either partner to "diagnose" their partner's mental health. Labels are flung around rather easily these days.
> - likewise infidelity _that the partner is unwilling to address. _The "we need to put the past behind us" types.
> - extreme power imbalances. This used to be where one partner earned all the money, but the changes in the legal system have in many places corrected, or even over-corrected this. But if for example one partner will be deported if the marriage ends, it's hard to do fair negotiation.


You seem pretty insightful and objective in your posts, and I’ve always gotten the impression that you’re a pretty standup guy. 

That said, I have heard FAR more negative accounts/results than positive around marriage counseling.
And my own experience (while brief and focused on relatively minor issues) wasn’t BAD, just largely useless. 

Do you think it’s just that there are so many bad therapists out there, or does the nature of it just make it an uphill battle? 
- assuming you agree that there seems to be more negative experiences with marriage counseling than positive.


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## Laurentium

DudeInProgress said:


> Do you think it’s just that there are so many bad therapists out there, or does the nature of it just make it an uphill battle?


Well, I have no way to know for sure. I'll say this, it's a different discipline from individual therapy. I wouldn't recommend going to someone unless the majority of their work is couple work. And the other prevalent problem is couples leaving it much too late.


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## Laurentium

Young at Heart said:


> My wife and I also worked through one of David Schnarchs Books reading them chapter by chapter and discussing then discussing with a marriage counselor. Schnarch is not for everyone.


Yeah. I met and talked with him once. He died recently I believe. I like his "mind mapping" concept, alhough others have said the same thing in different words.


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## Ladyrare

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


It worked for us. We've consulted a psychotherapist and it helped us to have an open conversation between me and my partner.

I'm not saying that it will work for all, because to be honest, it's not a one size fits all situation. At the end of the day, the decision would still rely between you and your partner, and your willingness to reconcile.


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## oldshirt

IMHO if both people want to be together and both are willing to put forth sincere effort and the issues at hand revolve around barriers in expressing your wants and needs as well as communicating your dislikes, MC can be of benefit.

I think MC is helpful in opening lines of communication better and teaching more effective means of conflict resolution.

However MC does not make the drunk/addict sober.

It does not make the cheater faithful.

It does not make the abuse nice. 

It cannot make someone attracted to their spouse or make them horny. 

It cannot cure mental illness or personality disorders. 

It cannot turn someone of bad character into good. 

And it can not make anyone love someone else.


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## Numb26

oldshirt said:


> IMHO if both people want to be together and both are willing to put forth sincere effort and the issues at hand revolve around barriers in expressing your wants and needs as well as communicating your dislikes, MC can be of benefit.
> 
> I think MC is helpful in opening lines of communication better and teaching more effective means of conflict resolution.
> 
> However MC does not make the drunk/addict sober.
> 
> It does not make the cheater faithful.
> 
> It does not make the abuse nice.
> 
> It cannot make someone attracted to their spouse or make them horny.
> 
> It cannot cure mental illness or personality disorders.
> 
> It cannot turn someone of bad character into good.
> 
> And it can not make anyone love someone else.


I always felt that by the time a couple goes to therapy that the relationship was already over. It is the equivalent of taking your 1984 Chevy Chevette to the mechanic to keep it running another 6 months. Just junk the thing and buy a new car.


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## GC1234

I think if we would have continued to do it, it would have worked. My husband insisted he didn't need counseling. The only complaint I have is that my counselor said he knew about narcissism, but I realized that he really didn't know all that much about how to deal with it. (Our sister in law is a narc that has created many problems for us)


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## oldshirt

Numb26 said:


> I always felt that by the time a couple goes to therapy that the relationship was already over. It is the equivalent of taking your 1984 Chevy Chevette to the mechanic to keep it running another 6 months. Just junk the thing and buy a new car.


If a couple is being court-ordered to show up at a MC's office as part of their divorce process, that may be correct. 

But if both people are recognizing there is a problem and both people are taking an affirmative step towards resolving those issues then I do not believe things are that dire or hopeless at all. 

Sometimes both people just having the attitude and willingness to address issues is important in and of itself.


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## Numb26

oldshirt said:


> If a couple is being court-ordered to show up at a MC's office as part of their divorce process, that may be correct.
> 
> But if both people are recognizing there is a problem and both people are taking an affirmative step towards resolving those issues then I do not believe things are that dire or hopeless at all.
> 
> Sometimes both people just having the attitude and willingness to address issues is important in and of itself.


You may be right. But don't you think that if a couple wasn't able or willing to communicate without the help of a third party that would be an indication of core issues with the relationship?


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## oldshirt

Numb26 said:


> You may be right. But don't you think that if a couple wasn't able or willing to communicate without the help of a third party that would be an indication of core issues with the relationship?


My humble opinion is someone is unwilling to address issues and work on it, that is likely a game-over moment.


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## farsidejunky

My wife and I have been to marriage counseling twice.

The first time was in 2006, and our counselor was not very good. The results were mixed at best. 

We attended again in 2014, with a different counselor, and it/she was amazing.

So it largely depends on how good the counselor is, along with hoe committed both of you are to actually improving things. 

If one of the two of you is not committed, you will also likely get little from the process. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## uphillbattle

Yes and no. We went as a concession on my way out the door. Our counselor took less than a half an hour to strongly urge that we both need IC instead. Long story short, my wife got her diagnosis and has worked on many of her issues. I also received great perspective and helped me see how I can be a better person.


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## ConanHub

farsidejunky said:


> So it largely depends on how good the counselor is, along with *HOE* committed both of you are to actually improving things.


Freudian slip?😁

Aside from the ribbing, I agree with this 100%>


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## Mr The Other

Laurentium said:


> Speaking as a therapist who specialises in marriage counselling...
> 
> I like Johnson's EFT, and I've done a lot of training in it, but it's not for every couple in my opinion. I'm not so keen on Gottman but I'll recommend his books, particularly "seven principles", to some couples. I find Gottman's approach a bit intellectual, and most couples have an emotional disconnect not an intellectual disagreement.
> 
> @CammyB I haven't looked for your other posts so I don't know if you've said more elsewhere. Counselling is much cheaper than a hostile divorce, but a friendly divorce can be pretty cheap. I've seen it done without lawyers!
> 
> Generally I'd say counselling can work if both parties are willing to not try to "win" the counselling. People come in wanting to make their point and be heard, and that's fine, but soon they need to put 50% of that energy into trying to "get" what the point is their partner is trying to make, even if the partner is making it in a really clumsy or rude or angry way. The therapist can help by rewording the partner's point to be less clumsy/rude/angry if the couple will allow this. I'm often saying: "_don't immediately try to counter what your partner said". _
> 
> The couple where my heart sinks is the one where they both clam up and say "we never really argue".
> 
> There are some counter-indications. It's a bad sign if:
> 
> ongoing physical aggression or threats of. I'd include suicide threats in that.
> addiction or mental health problems that the partner is unwilling to address. But it's not for either partner to "diagnose" their partner's mental health. Labels are flung around rather easily these days.
> likewise infidelity _that the partner is unwilling to address. _The "we need to put the past behind us" types.
> extreme power imbalances. This used to be where one partner earned all the money, but the changes in the legal system have in many places corrected, or even over-corrected this. But if for example one partner will be deported if the marriage ends, it's hard to do fair negotiation.


The impression I have had from men comparing the UK to Denmark is that in the UK, the relationship is th man's responsibility and the woman's perception is the only reality. 
In Denmark, it seems much more balaned, and the British men who have been to counselling in Denmark will rave about how they were listened to. This included one man who commented "they agreed it was my fault for being a ****head, but it is my fault because I am being a ****head" and he continued to rate it very highly.
Would there be any truth in this perception in your opinion?


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## Blondilocks

Mr The Other said:


> This included one man who commented "they agreed it was my fault for being a ****head, but it is my fault because I am being a ****head" and he continued to rate it very highly.


Is he raving about their ability to make him understand that he is a ****head? Or, is he raving about their honesty and not pussyfooting around?


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## Mr The Other

Blondilocks said:


> Is he raving about their ability to make him understand that he is a ****head? Or, is he raving about their honesty and not pussyfooting around?


That he was given a fair hearing. On balance, he was a ****head, but his tale was given equal weight. It happened that it was his fault, but because of his actions, not because he was male.


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## Laurentium

Mr The Other said:


> The impression I have had from men comparing the UK to Denmark is that in the UK, the relationship is th man's responsibility and the woman's perception is the only reality.
> In Denmark, it seems much more balaned, and the British men who have been to counselling in Denmark will rave about how they were listened to. This included one man who commented "they agreed it was my fault for being a ****head, but it is my fault because I am being a ****head" and he continued to rate it very highly.
> Would there be any truth in this perception in your opinion?


I can't really say, not having experienced couple counselling in Denmark, and not really even having an inside view of other couple counsellors work in the UK, other than colleagues with whom I participate in case discussion groups. My impression, entirely subjective, is that couple counsellors who are properly trained in that discipline (eg 3 years specifically on couple dynamics) will be good at hearing both sides. Counsellors who are basically individual counsellors, with no or little training in couple work (eg a few weeks training) can be disastrous.


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## Bulfrog1987

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


For me, it did not. That was because my husband was not open, was not honest and had seen this counselor first and put all kinds of things in their head that they could not differentiate or weed out as manipulation. So said counselor already had an opinion of me when I was invited in. She told me I deserved the treatment I was receiving from my husband. That because of my actions, I deserved to be barricaded in rooms and be screamed at within cm of my own space. It was incredible to hear. He hadn't shared any part of his alcoholism, this woman was told lie after lie and then he brought me into it when I thought we were going with openness to heal what we had both done in our relationship.

It was absurd. However, therapy CAN help a couple if they are willing to put their pride aside and truly be open. That means be open to hear some hard stuff from each other and how each spouse needs love or support, not just your own idea of what caring for them looks like the way you like to be cared for. But if both people aren't ready to put in the work, then it's pointless to go together.


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## 346745

GC1234 said:


> I think if we would have continued to do it, it would have worked. My husband insisted he didn't need counseling. The only complaint I have is that my counselor said he knew about narcissism, but I realized that he really didn't know all that much about how to deal with it. (Our sister in law is a narc that has created many problems for us)


we are back with a marriage counselor we saw four or five years ago. He's the third one we've worked with. Counseling works if both people are willing to change. Which is why we are back in counseling. I'm willing to change ... need two


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## aaarghdub

Tried it… marginal impact. 

If your plan is to go in hoping to duke it out for 45 minutes and have the therapist raise one of your arms in the air like after a boxing match dismiss that notion.

Ours did a lot of teaching which my wife thought was a waste of time and I found helpful. She’s also a board-certified therapist which I think created stonewalls for her (I.e focusing on his techniques, what was on his bookshelf and personal loathing for facilitating MC herself). She did NONE of the homework, not even the needs worksheet. Eventually she did realize she needed 1-on-1 but quit that over “him not letting her talk.”

You have to want to change and if either or both are conflict avoidant it won’t work. If you or your partner don’t do ownership and committing to homework, you might as well light your money or insurance co-pay on fire. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 346745

aaarghdub said:


> Tried it… marginal impact.
> 
> If your plan is to go in hoping to duke it out for 45 minutes and have the therapist raise one of your arms in the air like after a boxing match dismiss that notion.
> 
> Ours did a lot of teaching which my wife thought was a waste of time and I found helpful. She’s also a board-certified therapist which I think created stonewalls for her (I.e focusing on his techniques, what was on his bookshelf and personal loathing for facilitating MC herself). She did NONE of the homework, not even the needs worksheet. Eventually she did realize she needed 1-on-1 but quit that over “him not letting her talk.”
> 
> You have to want to change and if either or both are conflict avoidant it won’t work. If you or your partner don’t do ownership and committing to homework, you might as well light your money or insurance co-pay on fire.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good analogy about boxing match. However, I do feel like I’ve done seven rounds in the ring after a counseling session. She, too. Wanting to change is the key. Gotta be both of youse.


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## aine

In my opinion it is better if two spouses go to individual counselling first. learn to be better people without each other first. Then proceed to MC. In my own case MC was a waste of time as there was too much water under the bridge and my H got up and walked out in the 2nd or 3rd session. We never went back. if he wanted to now, I wouldn't as I am happy living under the same roof but separate.


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## 346745

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


We are in counseling - fourth go around since 2007 - and I am not sure. After a tough session like yesterday, very quiet in our home last night. Im willing to make changes, I’m honest. She is neither. Hard to succeed if both are not willing.


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## Laurentium

aine said:


> In my own case MC was a waste of time as there was too much water under the bridge and my H got up and walked out in the 2nd or 3rd session.





Longtime Hubby said:


> Im willing to make changes, I’m honest. She is neither.


In both of these cases, I might say MC is "working" in as much as you can see what you're faced with. If someone doesn't want to change, and the counselling makes that clear to the other one, that can be the answer.

I had a client the other day tell me that saving their marriage was the most important thing to them, but unfortunately the sessions clashed with their exercise class.


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## minimalME

…


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## christine29

When provided by a trained marriage therapist, marriage counseling yields positive results for 70% of couples receiving treatment. Approximately half of the couples who receive marriage counseling report that it assisted them in resolving all or nearly all of their serious issues.


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## 346745

We are in our second tour of duty with our third counselor. Started with one in 2007. She disliked him. Then a woman I disliked. This guy is good, we got better, fell off the wagon, Round Two. I am tired of being the one. I make changes; wife has made very few. That got old long ago


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## BigDaddyNY

Longtime Hubby said:


> We are in our second tour of duty with our third counselor. Started with one in 2007. She disliked him. Then a woman I disliked. This guy is good, we got better, fell off the wagon, Round Two. I am tired of being the one. I make changes; wife has made very few. That got old long ago


Hopefully she can get on board with making some positive changes. It is good you are still trying, IMO.


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## 346745

BigDaddyNY said:


> Hopefully she can get on board with making some positive changes. It is good you are still trying, IMO.


Thanks.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

Marriage counseling absolutely saved my marriage. But you have to go into it with an open mind and listen to what the counselor has to say. Some of it was positive and some of it pissed me off, but I held my tongue.

We have been married for almost 15 years and we are extremely happy and work well together. But the counselor opened my eyes and helped me realize how selfishly immature and stupid I was during our first two years together. I dropped a dead weight friend, quit expecting sexual acts simply because we are married, and started going on date nights and really talking to her. She got a better understanding of the importance of sex to a guy and got some tips on adjusting her way of communication during an argument.

Yes, it was expensive. But she had been a counselor for 30+ years and it was like she had been watching our marriage from day 1. We both followed her advice and our marriage has just gotten better and stronger over the years.


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## Quintessa

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


I think the Marriage Builders program and working directly with Steve Harley is extremely helpful.


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## LostInPHX

My counselling opinion is it is not worth it. With a marriage counselor, I talked about all the things she did and how it hurt me and was given a pat on the back (basically) and paid $175 for an hour session. Nothing to help me cope with MY Problems with MY Hurt. No real solutions. I finally found a hypnotist/counselor and I received REAL solution from the 2nd meeting on hope to cope with my feelings and hurt. I was able to relay techniques to my wife that helped her as well. I'm also seeing the hypnotist side of him for other things I want to fix, but the affair was 50% of what we worked on. I just say, Look around for alternatives to just Marriage Counselors.


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## SongoftheSouth

didnt help us. Used EAP at work and after 2 sessions he said it was hopeless and recommended divorce (totally blunt). Tried someone else after and he was awesome but it cant cure a cancer and we divorced. He was skeptical about our chances too. My advice is try it but if someone tells you its hopeless believe them good luck


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## ah_sorandy

Nope! Enough said.


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## aaarghdub

Hard to say. Wife unilaterally declared we needed counseling but did a 180 when it was apparent after a few sessions that most if not all of the issues where from her family of origin and trauma. The straw they broke the camel’s back was heading he needed to work with her individually.

She subsequently didn’t do any of our homework and began complaining about the therapist who I thought was great. Suddenly she said “I think we’re good and it’s a waste of time” and dropped it.

It works if you’re going in as a team but my wife went in with a mindset of “that counselor is gonna make his head right” and was shocked when that wasn’t the case. 

The irony here is my wife is a therapist and with her issues needs to be sitting in the chair where vulnerability and accountability aren’t required (ie the therapist not client). She has zero problem identifying other peoples issues but is extremely allergic to it being done to her. It’s much easier to fixate on your hot mess of a neighbor across the street than your own hot mess.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Longtime Hubby

I don't know. those sessions can be brutal. It seems to me that I'm the one who has done most of the changing in our relationship. probably 75/25. Doesn't really seem fair. I'm willing to bend. she? not so much.


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## Young at Heart

Trustless Marriage said:


> If you go this route my only suggestion is to go with someone with a lot of experience. I have had little success with this. One person said, after many meetings, that it just came down to me having to forgive and forget. Another wanted me to meditate with smoke sticks in the background. The only good it did for me was to let it out. Nothing has been resolved. Waste of time and money.


We had a marriage counselor, not a sex therapist who wanted us to use a "talking stick" so we would not interrupt each other. I felt that it was "new age-like" nonsense. I brought a cheap Microphone from a Thrift store and gave it to the marriage counselor, as the symbolism was at least something that didn't cause me to roll my eyes or shake my head.


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## Mr.Married

After reading all the replies it would seem the “meditation with smoke sticks” has just as much chance as paying a professional.


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## lifeistooshort

OnTheRocks said:


> Worse than worthless in my experience. My first marriage counselor tried to tell me I didn't have the right to check my wife's phone, after I had caught her cheating. I laughed in his and my ex-wife's faces, and told them I'd stop at nothing to ensure I wasn't being lied to in my marriage. The second and last one said that her goal wasn't to salvage our marriage, just that we both end up haaaapy. 🖕


Yep.....mine said the same thing, that her goal was what was healthiest for both of us.

She told me I'd neve4 get what I needed from ex and that I should leave.

Counseling for communication issues can be good. Counseling foe cheating is just a way for the cheater to ******** and the chump to get bullied into sucking it up. 

Waste of time....counseling can't fix character problems.


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## Longtime Hubby

Young at Heart said:


> We had a marriage counselor, not a sex therapist who wanted us to use a "talking stick" so we would not interrupt each other. I felt that it was "new age-like" nonsense. I brought a cheap Microphone from a Thrift store and gave it to the marriage counselor, as the symbolism was at least something that didn't cause me to roll my eyes or shake my head.


She’d probably hit me with the talking stick.


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## BootsAndJeans

CammyB said:


> I am thinking about seeking marriage counseling for my spouse and me. It’s expensive and I don’t know if it’s worth it. I know divorce is more expensive so, I guess it’s worth a shot. What can I expect and does it actually help marriages?


 In my experience, Marriage Counseling has to be combined with individual therapy. Both spouse have to be committed to both.


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